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1686241698-101

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RICHARD PRYOR’S MONOLOGUE AT THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE [ 13/12/1975]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryors-monologue-saturday-night-live-1975/

Saturday Night Live, Season 1: Episode 7 Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Pryor! Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool. Miles always gets women, though, ’cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] “What’s happenin’?” I get women, too. I can’t keep ’em but I get ’em. Women always leave me, man! I don’t mind ’em leavin’ but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don’t tell me why! ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’ you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be … [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] “WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!” [as a cool, calm woman] “I’m leaving.” [as the man] “I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” [as the woman] “Don’t worry, you shan’t.” Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin’ for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin’ and they weren’t happy. And they get beat up a lot. No — drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin’: [quiet, polite] “Give me a Scotch and soda, please.” Real cool. ‘Bout a hour later: [instantly imitates a drunk, yelling at a bartender to his right] “WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I’M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn’t drunk when I came in here! And I ain’t gonna leave till I’m sober. Now, you can dig that, baby. Bartender?! Are you the bartender? Give everybody in here somethin’. Give ’em a beer. And twenty straws. Ha ha! Whoooo!” [applause, Pryor turns to his left] “Hey! Huh? What you lookin’ at, bitch? What? No, I don’t know what time it is. It’s time for you to stop messin’ with me. That’s what time it is. I know I’m ugly but I don’t look like no clock. That’s right, baby. [turns to his right] What? What are you worried about? You the bartender. If I say somethin’ to this piece of wood, then you say somethin’. Otherwise, you can freeze on your thing, baby. You know, ’cause I’ll bust you apart. Ha haaaa! Whooo! [turns to his left, looks up] What you want, big ol’ dude? Apologize to who? For what? I don’t care if she your mama– [suddenly falls to the floor and tries to fend off blows with his arms as if being punched and kicked by the big ol’ dude] Hey, man! Wait a minute, man! [rises] I’m just kiddin’, man, baby. What you doin’?! You done kick me in the ass, baby! [feels his sore ass] You in a world o’ trouble now! No, don’t hold him — let him go, baby! Come on, you want some of me? [puts his fists up to fight but is instantly knocked to the floor, bounces back up again] Wait a minute, man. I’m only kiddin’ ya now.” [pretends to vomit all over himself noisily, much applause.] That’s why I don’t drink so much. Take acid, either. White dudes take acid. They do. They take acid and go see “The Exorcist.” They crazy. White dude gave me some acid once at a party, too, jack. And I thought I was crazy before I took it. It saned me right up. Dude say: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “This is far out.” I said, “What?” Says: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “It’s far out.” I took it, jack. [mimes taking the acid, then as the white dude] “You’re gonna be trippin’!” ‘Bout twenty minutes later, I was at the party: “Hey, blood, what’s happenin’? [mimes one half of a complex handshake for two brothers] Everything is cool. White dude gave me some stuff I’m gonna be trippin’! You know, I ain’t goin’ no place without my luggage. Believe that. [runs his lips over his teeth, something feels funny, he puts his left hand up to his face, then starts waving it back and forth, his eyes riveted to his hand, then he starts waving both hands around in the air watching them intently] Look at this, man! I can catch my hand! [eyes bug out, mouth opens wide, a high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [suddenly the squeal becomes low-pitched and Pryor starts moving — and talking — in slow motion] Uh oh. I’ve got to get out of here! [running in very slow motion across home base, another high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaa! [suddenly stops, clutches his chest, in a normal but panicked voice] I don’t remember how to breathe! I can’t breathe! [opens mouth, bobs head] One, two, three. Ain’t nothin’ happenin’, man!” [nerdy white dude’s voice] “Told ya it was far out!” [tripping again] “I’m gonna die! I don’t even know who I am, I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! [keeps repeating “I’m gonna die!” over and over in an increasingly funky rhythm and then starts dancing goofily to the beat – it begins to sound like an auctioneer’s chant – abruptly, he stops and raises an arm triumphantly while speaking gibberish that sounds vaguely like an African tribesman – this segues into a brief pseudo-native American chant – finally, Pryor flaps his arms in slow motion as if about to fly away] What – in – the – world – is – happening – to – me?!” [Much applause. Pryor waves to the audience.]

1686241702-102

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GEORGE CARLIN ON ABORTION AND “PRO-LIFERS”

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-pro-life-abortion-and-the-sanctity-of-life/

George Carlin on the 1996 HBO special “Back in Town”, blasting “pro-lifers”, conservatives and generally “anti-women” entities such as the Catholic Church. Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked. Conservatives don’t give a shit about you until you reach “military age”. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they’ve been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life… pro-life… These people aren’t pro-life, they’re killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they’ll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it. They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state. Pro-life… You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do. And, you won’t see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn’t they?! They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on FIRE!! C’mon, you moral crusaders, let’s see a little smoke. To match that fire in your belly. Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we’re better than chickens… See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen. ‘Cuz chickens are decent people. But let’s get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn’t count them? If a fetus is a human being, how come when there’s a miscarriage they don’t have a funeral? If a fetus is a human being, how come people say “we have two children and one on the way” instead of saying “we have three children?” People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process. Continuous, just keeps rolling along. Rolling, rolling, rolling along. And say you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms? Hah? Human life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn’t be burning all this coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. See the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says “Gee, honey, I was going to pull out but the phone rang and it startled me.” Fertilization. But even after the egg is fertilized, it’s still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman’s fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who’s had more than more than one period is a serial killer! Consistency. Consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man, one of these pro-life guys who’s watching cums in his pants, huh? Here’s a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies and Debbies, and nobody’s saying a word to the guy. Not every ejaculation deserves a name. Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they’re against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sake! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You’d think they’d make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O’Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they’ve raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I’ll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I’m sure it’ll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said “Suffer the little children come unto me”, that’s not what he was talking about! So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say “Hey. Hey. If you think a fetus is more important that a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. For no pay and no pension.” I tell them “Think of an abortion as term limits. That’s all it is. Biological term limits.

1686241706-103

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GABRIEL IGLESIAS: I’M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID WHEN I WAS HUNGRY (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-im-sorry-for-what-i-said-when-i-was-hungry-2016-full-transcript/

[audience chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! [chanting continues] Give it up and make some noise for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias! -[song playing] -[audience cheering] [song continues] [song fades] Chicago! About time we do a special here. [audience cheering] Before I say anything else, you guys, a big hand for my friend, the man, the myth, the legend. Give it up for Martin! The two guys you see standing next to him are two of my oldest friends. Not only are they friends, they work for me. That’s Ivan and Tony. Give Ivan and Tony a lot of love. [applause] In addition to that– This is so special right here. Ladies and gentlemen, handing me the microphone tonight is the NFL’s Coach of the Year… and a former member of the baddest football team that ever… [audience cheering] stepped on a field, the 1985 Chicago Bears. Coach Ron Rivera! Thank you. Thank you. I gotta do it one time. Da Bears. Whoo! [laughs] I am super excited, you guys. Let me tell you. This is our 19th year coming to Chicago, okay? Nineteen years. The first time I came here, I got a chance to meet some people, and they says, “Gabriel, have you ever been to Chicago?” “No, it’s my first time.” “We’d like to take you out to eat if you’re down.” And I’m like, “Well, hello. I am very down.” They took me to a restaurant called Portillo’s. [audience cheering] You heard of it? So we get there, and it was very good. The hot dogs were delicious. I had a chicken chopped salad. It was amazing. Had a beef dip. Really good. But it wasn’t until the meal was almost over that these new friends of mine said, “We’d like you to try something you might not have ever had before.” I’m like, “That’s not likely.” I said, “What is it you want me to try?” “They sell a thing at Portillo’s called a chocolate cake shake.” [audience cheering] I said, “You had me at ‘chocolate.’” They said, “You gotta go up to the window and order it from the lady.” So I get up and walk over to the lady. She’s like, “Can I help you?” I say, “My friends are telling me that I need to try this thing called a chocolate cake shake.” “Okay. What size would you like?” “How good is it?” “You want a large.” “All right. Can I please have a large chocolate cake shake?” “No problem.” [imitating beeping] I pay, and she turns around. She turns around and walks over to this refrigerator on the counter. She opens it up, and she pulls out a piece of chocolate cake. I’m thinking to myself, “She must’ve misunderstood what I said. I didn’t ask for a piece of chocolate cake. I asked for a chocolate cake shake.” She must’ve heard what I was thinking, ’cause she’s walking by, like, “It’s gonna happen.” She walks over to the blender, she takes the freaking lid off, and she just looks at me and does this. And I was like, “No!” And she’s like, “Oh, yeah.” [imitating blender whirring] She pours it and she hands me this 44-ounce chocolate shake… which is way more than anybody should be drinking. The straw was so thick, you could almost fit your thumb in it. So I grab the shake, and I begin to attempt to drink it. So I’m– Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. And I can see the shake coming up. Mmm. Mmm. And it hit, and then all of a sudden– Whoo! Hell, you guys even have taco trucks. Now for anyone wondering about taco trucks, let me just let you know right now. That is real good Mexican food. I don’t want you being concerned, like, “No, there’s wheels under that restaurant.” Well, sometimes we don’t have a permit, okay? But it doesn’t mean the food is not good. For me to know I’m gonna have a good experience at a taco truck, I always research. I look to see who’s running the truck. For me to know I’m gonna have a good time, I wanna make sure that it’s an all-female crew. Not to sound sexist. It’s just that when it’s all women running the truck, they make me feel good about myself. They make me feel special. When I walk up at one o’clock in the morning, and I have a buzz, they make me feel good. [imitates knocking] “Hello?” They come to the window. “Hola, mi gordito. ¿Cómo estás? ¿Cómo está ese gordito chulito? Ese gordito. Qué bonito. A ver. A ver. Ojitos. Ojitos.” I feel like a kid. I’m like, “Can I have a taco?” “Whatever you want, mi hijito. A taquito for you.” Now, when it’s an all Mexican male crew running the truck– It’s late. They’re tired. They’re bitter. Customer service isn’t our strongest point at one o’clock in the morning. Then you gotta deal with a drunk knucklehead like me. [imitates knocking] “Hello?” They come to the window. “¿Qué chingados quieres, pinche gordo? What you want? What you want?” “Hey, what’s up, bro? Can I have a taco?” “Okay. What else?” “That’s it.” [clicks tongue] “Aah!” That’s not even a word! But you know exactly what he just told you. For some reason, Mexican people, and only Mexican people, have this sound that comes out of us that can just discredit anything you put in front of it. It doesn’t matter what it is. We can kill it with that sound. “I just graduated from college, top of my class.” [clicks tongue] “Aah!” “Fine, I’ll work at Burger King.” “Papi, this is my fiancé. He loves me.” [clicks tongue] “Aah!” “Fine, I’ll be a whore.” And speaking of whores, let me tell you where they put us up at. That’s a bad segue. No. There’s no whores at this hotel. Listen. I would like to personally thank the promoters for not only making this special happen, but for taking really good care of us. They put us at a hotel right across the street. And you know, you know when you’re in a good hotel when you get inside of the elevator, and it talks. It’s one of those. [imitates beep] [female voice] “First floor.” [imitates beep] “Second floor.” [imitates beep] “Third floor.” I’m like, “Man, she sounds hot.” [imitates beep] [female voice] “Fourth floor. Mmmm.” [imitates beep] “Fifth floor. Oh, yeah.” Martin asked me, “How far you going up?” I said, “All the way.” I gotta see how this ends. You know what I’m saying? [laughs] Oh, man. And by the way, since the last time we were here, I’ve had a few things change in my life. Some things happened that were so crazy that I couldn’t even believe it was a possibility. First thing that happened was, I had my first ever celebrity death hoax. Meaning that someone faked my death on the Internet, and it went viral. Someone wrote an amazing article that was read by over 30 million people that was so good, even I was like, “Oh, my God. I was so nice.” TMZ reported it for 30 minutes, until they called my publicist and confirmed that I was still alive. The article said that I had died October 31 from complications of Type II diabetes. And I’m thinking to myself, “That’s a hell of a day to kill a diabetic.” You know what I mean? That’s like killing Santa on Christmas Eve. Thirty million people read this article. No one thought to call me. Except Martin. -[audience cheering] -That’s right. Martin was the only one that called me. And I think that was just to verify that he still had employment. I got that phone call. [imitates phone ringing, line connecting] “Hello?” Martin was like, “Hey. You dead?” “No, man. I’m good.” “I figured. You would’ve texted me.” [imitates line disconnecting] And I would have, ’cause that’s the kind of friend I am. I even asked my son, Frankie. I said, “Frankie, did you hear I died?” “That’s what they meant.” “What do you mean, ‘That’s what they meant’?” “My friends were asking if you were okay.” “What’d you tell them?” “I hadn’t seen you.” “So apparently I died.” “Welcome back.” And that’s another thing that’s changed. My son, Frankie, is now 18 years old. [audience cheering] And one week away from graduation. [cheering continues] Yeah. You guys are clapping, but he’s not leaving. I asked him. “Frankie, what do you want to do with your life?” “Mm-mmm.” “Have you thought about college?” “Just now.” I’m like, “Frankie, you do realize that all you need to do is get accepted. I tell a lot of jokes. I will pay for your entire college education, no matter where you want to go.” [audience cheering] “As long as you get accepted. What do you think about that?” “Mm-mmm.” I say, “You want to go to school in California, we’ll make it happen. You want to go out of state, we’ll make it happen. Hell, I’ll even do one of those international programs.” The ones where you give them one of your children and they give you one of their children. -What is it called when you kid-swap? -[audience] Exchange. Thank you. Sorry. That’s right. “Exchange.” Some of you were like, “That’s called human trafficking.” Different program. I would love to do an exchange program with my son. But don’t give me a regular kid. If I’m gonna do an exchange program, give me a kid from a hard-core third world country, so he appreciates all the basic things most American children take for granted. That’s why I say give me little Tombutu. Give me Tombutu. I would love Tombutu, and Tombutu would love me. “Mister Fluffy?” “Yes, Tombutu?” “I was wondering, what time do we go to sleep?” “You go to sleep whenever you like. This is your room. We sleep next door.” “All of this is for Tombutu?” “Yes, all of this is for Tombutu.” “In my village, two families sleep in an area this big.” “Well, here in America, one big-ass Mexican kid sleeps right here. Enjoy.” Then I would take him to IHOP or Denny’s and let him order whatever he wants and just watch him lose it. “This is the Thanksgiving I heard of! Thank you, Mr. Fluffy! Thank you! If there is anything Tombutu can do for you, please tell me. Anything.” “Can you help me take out the trash?” “For you, I will eat the trash.” Meanwhile, my son’s on the other side of the world, on top of an elephant, trying to get Wi-Fi. I love my son very much, you guys. It’s just that sometimes he doesn’t get the position he’s in. He doesn’t realize it. Which is why I love it whenever he brings his friends over. He brings his friends over the house, and they’re constantly saying what I’m saying. And as a parent, anytime you tell your kids something, that’s one thing. When you can get their friends to say what you say, you can’t pay for that. And they’re always doing it. “Frankie, you’re lucky, man. Your dad’s trying to help you go to college. My dad wants me to get a job. Frankie, you’re lucky, man. Your dad’s trying to give you a car. My dad doesn’t even trust me to walk. You’re lucky, man.” And I hear this, and I’m like, “I love these kids.” Because my son is very numb to this situation. He’s very numb to all of you, and he’s very numb to “Fluffy.” Okay, he doesn’t see Fluffy. He sees “Dad! Dad!” I’m Dad. I’m the guy that tells him clean your room, take a shower and put on deodorant, which he does very well now! But you guys saw what I had to do to make that happen. His friends, on the other hand, they still get excited when they see me. They still geek out. I walk into the living room. They’re all sitting there. Frankie sees me. “Hey, Dad.” His friends see me, they see this. [imitating chorus singing] With, like, doves. [imitates wings flapping] Can you imagine if every time you walked into a room, that happened? “He’s here.” [imitating chorus singing] [imitates wings flapping] Ladies, imagine if your partner could do that for you. Huh? It’s your anniversary, a celebration, some magical moment, or you’re just laying there and you’re drunk. And you’re just like, “What are you gonna do to me? What are you gonna do?” [imitating chorus singing] [imitates wings flapping] One extra dove. [imitates wings flapping] And by the way, guys, if you’re ever able to pull off the doves, just leave it at that. Don’t try to top the doves. It’s very hard to top the doves. Don’t start running your mouth and talking smack. She’s laying there. Don’t start: “You don’t know what’s gonna happen to you. You’re gonna get it.” Don’t do that. ’Cause ladies, all you have to do is look at him and go, [clicks tongue] “Aah!” Anyways, back to my son’s friends. So my son has two friends that come to the house all the time. One friend, his name is Ken. Works a lot with computers. The other friend, his name is Fabian. He wants to be a police officer. Both of these kids are really good. Now I keep calling everyone kids, even though they’re all 18. But to me, they’re kids. I’m almost 40. I’m like, “Uh,” you know? Some of the conversations we have are very adult-like. And the other conversations, I’m like, “What am I doing with my life?” For example, at home– At home, when I’m hanging out, I usually just wear very similar to now, except the Hawaiian shirt. I usually wear a T-shirt that has Star Wars or Marvel Comics or Transformers on it. Cartoons. I like wearing stuff like that around the house. One day, I’m wearing a T-shirt that has The Avengers on the front. [audience cheering] Yeah. And I walk into the living room, and my son’s friend Fabian sees me wearing the shirt. So he starts pointing. I’m like, “What’s up, dude?” He goes– [inhales] “Weak.” “’Scuse me?” “Weak.” And then he says, “DC’s better.” “What did you say?” “DC’s better.” I’m like, “DC’s okay. Obama lives there. They pass laws. They got hotels, historic museums. It’s not a real state. I don’t know why you’re getting cray-cray.” He goes, “No, fool! DC Comics!” I’m like, “Hey, man. I’m almost 40. I don’t care. It’s just a really cool shirt. I like it. It fits… No big deal.” “That’s ’cause they are.” “You need to relax.” “They’re the best.” “You need to chill.” And in my head, I’m like, why am I having this conversation? I have better things to do, like trying to get my son on an elephant, but no. The kid in me is, “Why are they best?” He points at the shirt again. “Iron Man sucks. Batman’s number one.” I go, “Why?” “’Cause he is.” I go, “That’s not an argument. First of all, Batman’s not the best superhero. I hate to break it to you. He’s not.” [person cheering] I can hear people getting ready to boo. “Oh, no, Fluffy. Don’t go there. Don’t go there, Fluffy. Don’t do it.” Yes, I’m gonna do this. Watch this. Batman’s not the best superhero. Batman is the creepiest superhero. Batman is the creepiest superhero that has ever lived. He even sounds creepy. [imitates whooshing] [deep voice] “I’m Batman.” [imitates whooshing] “I’m Batman.” You don’t recognize that voice? [deep voice] “Want some candy?” [imitates whooshing] “Help me find my puppy.” Hello? He only comes out at night. His face is always covered up. He’s always waiting in alleys. And who does he talk to? A guy named Joker, a guy named Riddler. His name is Batman. Joker, Riddler, Batman. Joker, Riddler, Batman. Those are Mexican gang member names. Can you imagine if that was Batman’s real identity? At night. [imitates whooshing] “I’m Batman.” During the day. [imitates whooshing] “No, chingue su madre, soy Batman, loco– Todo el pinche día aquí trabajando y luego le parta la madre Joker–” “I’m Batman.” I said, “All right, Fabian, Mr. ‘Batman’s The Best.’ Based on my T-shirt– My T-shirt says Marvel Comics. I see Thor, I see Captain America, I see Iron Man. Who are some of the superheroes that DC Comics has that makes them better than Marvel? Go.” “Batman.” “You said that.” “Superman.” “That’s a good one.” “Wonder Woman.” “Okay.” “Green Lantern.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” I said, “I know the other superheroes, but Green Lantern? What’s his power?” “He wears a ring, and the ring gives him power.” I said, “That’s a fantasy. I don’t know any man who wears a ring who has power.” And if you’re not clapping right now, my point exactly. You can’t clap, can you? You can’t. You know why you can’t clap? ’Cause you’re sitting next to Kryptonite. He’s not even clapping. He’s like, “No, no, no, no. No. Me pega Wonder Woman. No, no.” [laughing] Listen, I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes– Sometimes I feel just a pinch, a pinch like a superhero, in the sense that I’m able to walk out in front of large groups of people, change people’s moods, make people smile, make people laugh, make people feel a little bit better. -[audience cheering] -Right? By that same token, like any superhero, I have my weaknesses too. I come out here and I make you happy. And then I go home. And I piss off one person. ’Cause she don’t want to hear about this. She doesn’t want to hear about you guys. I can’t go home and brag. “Baby, it was crazy in Chicago.” “That’s nice. Take out the trash.” “But they were clapping and chanting my name.” “Oh, is that gonna help? Okay. [chanting] Take out the trash! Take out the trash! Take out the trash! Take out the trash!” “But they told me they loved me!” [clicks tongue] “Aah!” [audience cheering] [audience chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Oh, my God. Do you guys have any idea how hard it’s gonna be to go home and take out the trash now? Thank you. [laughs] Oh, my God. This is awesome! I hear some of you too. You guys okay over there? [imitating coughing] That’s a big compliment, by the way. Anytime I hear people in the arena, and they’re freaking– [clearing throat] That lets me know I’m making you laugh so much, your own body is rejecting the activity that you’re participating in. Your own lungs are telling you, “This is not good for you. You need to leave.” But you’re stubborn. You’re like, “No! The ticket was expensive!” That’s usually from guys. From women, it’s a little bit different. Anytime I hear women laughing so much that they begin to snort. You’re already laughing. That tells me I’m making you laugh so much, I’m causing you to inhale and exhale at the same time, forcing you to make that– [snorts] And if I hear a woman snort more than two times, that tells me I made you pee just a little. I love that. You were pointing out the whole time. She’s like, “You asshole.” Thanks for having my back. Another thing that I now consider a compliment is that from time to time, I have people who are experiencing their first ever comedy event, and they’re not accustomed to laughing for long periods of time. And they get so excited and so involved with the show, that they forget. They forget to do a very basic thing. Called breathing! You’d be amazed how many times I’ve seen this in the front row. And they pass the hell out. The messed-up part is only I can see what’s happening. And– And they’re usually, like, “Fluffy, do something.” I’m, like– “Do something!” [imitating chorus singing] [imitating wings flapping] “He woke up! Thank you!” I had a lady one time… up in the balcony… who laughed herself unconscious. She went forward and wound up hitting her head on the rail that was in the aisle. Now I couldn’t see this because I’m onstage and I had spotlights in my face. It wasn’t until after the show was over, when Martin came back out onstage and he took the microphone. Then he tells me in my ear, “Bro, some lady just got hurt in the balcony. The paramedics are here. They have her in the lobby. Let’s check on her.” I’m like, “Let’s go.” So we go behind the curtain. Security is waiting for us with the car. So we jump in the car– [imitates door closing, engine revving] They raced us around to the front of the building. Now as soon as we get to the front, we see an ambulance. We start walking in. And now– Not to take anything away from this serious moment, because this really did happen. It’s a little bit funny in the sense that… my show just finished, and people are now starting to leave the building. They just saw me onstage a minute ago. Now they see me walking in the front door. You gotta see it through my eyes. “He’s big, but he’s fast. I don’t know how he did that one. That’s pretty good.” I come in, and immediately I cut right, to where the lady and the paramedics are sitting on the steps to the balcony. The lobby is starting to fill up with people. I’m trying to get from point A to point B without getting stopped. So I started doing this, and I know it’s gonna look a little weird, but it worked. “Are you okay? Are you all right?” People see me doing this, and immediately they’re puzzled. The way you looked at me now, like that. And they did this. “What the hell’s he doing?” It made everybody take two steps back and do like this. It created a hole for me to get to them. Then they see the paramedics, and they realize what I was trying to do. Everything was fine till I got really close. And then one of the paramedics calls me out. “What are you doing to the lady?” I go, “Listen, sir. The woman obviously sustained a head injury. I’m giving her a chance to process the fact that it’s really me. And I’m slowly… getting closer to her. I realize now that I’m in this incredible position where I can no longer walk up from behind someone at one of my shows and go, ‘Hey!’” “Why not?” “Cause then– ‘Clear!’” “Fluffy killed another one.” [imitates kick] So finally the lady looks up. She must have been 55, 60, little Asian woman. She sees me, and she’s, like– [breathing heavily] “You too funny. You almost a-kill me!” “I am so sorry. Are you okay? Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?” “Yes. Yes, feel better. I would like two T-shirt.” “I’m gonna get you two T-shirts.” “And two DVD.” I’m like, “You’re not that hurt. Get your ass over here.” So I stand her up, and immediately one of the paramedics– “Hey. She hit her head. She shouldn’t be standing.” I said, “I’m the artist performing here tonight. I accept full responsibility over this woman. I got her. It’s cool.” Plus, she’s tiny. We’re only walking ten feet to the merchandise table. No big deal. I say, “Come on. I got you. Let’s go.” As soon as we start walking, she starts venting. [breathing heavily] “Mr. Fluffy. You have no idea kind of week I have. My son, he marry this girl. She no cook, no clean. Move into my house. Now I have to cook and clean for two. Oh, some bullshit.” And I’m like, “Oh, my God. That’s gonna happen to me.” “Mr. Fluffy, I must apologize to you because I do not know who you are until today. I have a friend who give me ticket. She say, ‘Susie, you stress so much. You need to get out. Husband win ticket in raffle. Only have one ticket. You take it.’ So I look at the ticket. Ticket say, ‘The Fluffy.’ I don’t know what comedy show is because I never go comedy show. I see ‘Fluffy,’ I think is musical like Cats. I say, ‘Okay. I go see Fluffy Cats.’ So I come here early so I can get the popcorn and the soda. So I sit and I wait for Fluffy Cats. Next thing I know, your friend Martin, he walk out onstage with the big hair, big goatee. I say, ‘Oh, ho, ho. This not Cats. This not Cats. This Lion King. That’s a Mexican Mufasa.’ And he start crack jokes. I start laugh, laugh. I laugh. Then you come out onstage. I cannot take. I can’t breathe. I black out. And when I wake up, I have ice pack on the head, blood in the eye, and the two young white paramedics, they both touch me right here. They say, ‘Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?’” “What did you tell them?” “Ho-ho. ‘Never better.’ Susie never have two young white men touch me right here, same time. Oh, your show very special, Mr. Fluffy. Very special. You show like Make-A-Wish. If I have a scar–” “You’re gonna sue me.” “No. No, no, no, no, no. No! Not going to sue. If I have a scar, and the friends ask me, ‘Hey. How you get scar?’… now I have great story to tell. I’m going to say– [chuckles] ‘Two white men, same time.’ While Mexican watch.” [mouths words] I get her back to the paramedics. The paramedics are like, “She’s a handful, huh?” I’m like, “Oh, yeah. She’s horny. She likes you. Here you go.” As soon as I turn around, all I see is a lobby full of people and a bunch of cell phones. There’s footage of what I just told you out there. Everybody was recording what happened. What I thought was cool is everybody waited for me to finish with the lady and the paramedics. All of a sudden, when I turned around– [imitates whooshing] People started coming up. Some people wanted to shake my hand, some people wanted to high-five. One guy just wanted to hug me, and he didn’t say anything. He just hugged me, just– “Are you okay?” [shaky breathing] “You sure?” [shaky breathing] “All right.” Couple of kids are looking at me, like– And for me, I thought that was so cute, because I recognized that twinkle. I’ve looked at someone like that before. I’ve been starstruck many, many times. As a matter of fact, this past year, I got to meet one of my childhood heroes. I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger. [scattered clapping, cheering] Now some of you are clapping, some of you are like, “Wait, wait, wait.” Here’s the thing. I didn’t love him as a politician, and I was too young to know him as a bodybuilder. All I knew was The Terminator was my favorite movie, and he was the Terminator. So, here’s the story. I’m in LA, at this red carpet event for some movie I still haven’t seen. I’m standing there with my publicist, okay? I’m standing there with my publicist, and she’s explaining to me how the red carpet works. “Listen, Gabriel. This is what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna go down the red carpet, and then the paparazzi’s gonna start taking photos of you, and then someone’s gonna ask you some questions. It’s a lot of fun. Then we’ll go inside, and we’ll go to the after-party. It’s gonna be great.” As she’s telling me this, I’m looking around, and I look over and I notice– I see him. I see Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I freak out. [stammering, babbling] “It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger! It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger!” “Relax. Relax. You’ve never met Arnie?” I said, “No, I’ve never met Arnie.” “I work with him all the time. He’s really nice. Would you like me to introduce you?” I’m like, “Yes!” She takes me by the hand, and she walks me directly to Arnold. I’m freaking out so bad. I look like a big-ass toddler. We get over to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s area. He’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s already got a big group of people around him, waiting to take a photo. So I’m just patiently waiting. As I’m watching him, you guys– I gotta tell you right now. No one on this planet is better at meeting people than Arnold Schwarzenegger. He is the greatest people-meeter I’ve ever witnessed. The reason I say this is because when you meet him, he’s very engaging. He grabs your hand. He pulls you in. He looks at you in the eyes and he turns it on. When you meet Arnold, you get exactly what you think you’re gonna get. It’s awesome to watch. [imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] “How are you? So nice to meet you. You so strong. You pump iron? Ay! Look at you! This is incredible, got these lights and this red carpet. ’Scuse me. How are you? Ay! You so strong! You pump iron? This is incredible. Look at you.” People are walking away from him, looking at their hand. They’re looking at their hand, you guys. Ten minutes I’m watching Arnold Schwarzenegger light people up. Then I notice something else. I notice that Arnold has a handler, a guy who stands right behind him. And it’s this guy’s job to basically reset Arnold for the next person he’s about to meet. Arnold Schwarzenegger will never cut off a conversation with a fan. The guy behind him listens in on the conversation, and he determines when enough is enough, and then he signals Arnold to cut it off and move on. Here’s the signal. He grabs the back of Arnold’s arm, right there, two times. One, two. That lets Arnold know: cut it off, time to move on. Always to the left. Awesome to watch. “This is incredible with these lights and these special effects going on here. ’Scuse me. How are you? Nice to meet you. You so strong. Ay!” I’m, like– [gasps] So I yell out to the handler, “Hey!” And the handler turns around. “Hit him! I wanna meet him! Hit him!” And he starts laughing because now he sees that I see how the Terminator is really working. So he gives me one of these. Next thing you know, he is lighting Arnold up. He is hitting Arnold so fast, Arnold can barely keep up. “’Scuse me. Pardon me. How are you? ’Scuse me. Pardon me. High five. High five. ’Scuse me. Hello. How are you? Pound, pound, pound pound.” He’s coming down the line, coming down the line, and I’m just waiting. [heavy exhale] I stick my hand out, and he grabbed it. “How are you? So– I recognize you. I know who you are. You’re that comedian who does the joke about the Indian man trying to rob a bank, but he cannot rob the bank because they are making fun of him.” And in my head, I’m, like– [squealing] “He knows me!” Outside, I’m like, “Yeah, that’s me.” “You are hysterical. Give me your contact information. You are the funniest person– ’Scuse me. How are you? Nice to meet you. You so strong.” “Hey!” Meeting Arnold is like a really good roller coaster. You want to go to the end and meet him one more time. It was so cool because I’m watching him– And people started recording him. For me, it’s one of those things where I’m finding myself in a very interesting situation right now, because I like hanging out, I like going out. I’ve been drunk in Chicago many, many times. I like to have fun. Here’s the problem. [chuckles] I recently signed a contract with ABC Television in hopes of producing my very own sitcom for TV. [audience cheering] It’s not a guarantee, but I am guaranteed a pilot. Here’s the problem. ABC is owned… by Disney. Disney is such a huge brand that anytime someone threatens the way you look at that brand, they are dealt with in a very un-Disney-like way. This sitcom that I’m producing is about me. I play myself. I play Gabriel Iglesias. It’s about me, my family, my friends. My friend Martin… is not allowed on the show. Not per me. Take it up with the Mouse. They look at your social media. They look at your stuff online. If there’s anything about you that doesn’t fit that model, they will freaking– mmmm. And I’m paranoid, because Disney’s so big. They’re so huge. They own television stations. They own radio stations. They own Marvel Comics. They own Star Wars. I don’t need that phone call, you know? [imitates phone ringing, line connecting] “Hello?” [imitating Yoda] “Mmm. Fucked up, you did.” I’m so freaking paranoid, you guys. Because nowadays, people are always recording. If you do something that might look stupid, it can end up turning out even worse. For example, say I fall off the stage tonight and someone’s recording that. If TMZ gets ahold of that, it can go viral. And God forbid, something happens to me, it can make the news. [imitating reporter] “We’re standing here in front of the Allstate Arena in Rosemont, Illinois, where authorities believe Fluffy lost control. The 39-year-old comedian was found dead for the second time in two years. No one knows exactly what happened here tonight. Authorities had this to say.” [clicks tongue] “Aah!” [audience cheering] That’s why I’m saying I gotta be careful, because I still enjoy my habits. I still like drinking. Of course, some people pull me aside and say, “Gabriel, why do you drink? Why do you drink? You have so many responsibilities and people you take care of. Why do you drink?” “Because I have a lot of responsibilities and people to take care of.” Some of you already know because you’ve been to my shows in the past. My poison of choice is tequila. Certain alcohol I no longer mess with anymore. Like, I no longer mess with Jäger. [people shouting] See, first of all, any alcohol that will make you say its name… is not safe. That’s the only alcohol that will make you do that. That’s the only one you hear people– “Jäger!” You don’t hear anyone else. You don’t hear Mexicans– “¡Tequila! ¡Güey!” You don’t hear black people– “Hennessy, playa.” You don’t hear Japanese– “Whoo! Sake! Sake!” Jäger is scary for a few reasons. One, I’m Type II diabetic. I shouldn’t even be drinking. But Jäger has twice as much sugar in it. Second thing is the consistency. It’s very sticky. It’s like cough syrup. So if you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else. And it’s nasty. When you drink it, you’re, like– [groans, coughs] Pa la tos. Pa la tos. It’s horrible. If you drink too much of it, it holds on longer than anything else. You know? If you have one too many beers, you know what happens. You get the– [gurgles] Then you return it to the rightful owner. Jäger makes you feel like you gotta bring it back, but you can’t. All it does it make you dramatic for 45 minutes until it lets go. You’ve seen someone like that. “Hey, you okay?” “I’m fine, bro–” [retches] They can’t throw up. All they’re doing is six-minute abs. [grunting] People look at you the next day. “Are you into fitness?” “No, I’m a drunk.” Man, Jäger is scary. Another alcohol I refuse to mess with anymore… is wine. Look at the people– [clearing throat] “We’re from Schaumburg.” Those of you that don’t know, Schaumburg is the Beverly Hills of the area, so– I’m sure you figured that out. Um– My issue with wine is very simple. I don’t like the fact that wine is socially accepted. What I mean by that is that if you see someone with a bottle of wine, if you see a guy crossing the street with a bottle of wine, immediately he’s judged, but in a positive way, because wine is always associated with something high-class, something positive, something progressive, an anniversary, a celebration, a promotion. So you try to figure it out. “What do you think is going on over there? Graduation? Promotion? It’s gotta be good. Hey, good for you, buddy.” Women see a man with a bottle of wine, holding a couple of glasses, and immediately– [imitates woman’s voice] “Aw! Lucky bitch.” It’s still alcohol. It will still mess you up. The main reason why I don’t like wine is because you cannot accurately measure wine. You can measure real liquor. It’s called a shot. And you know after drinking enough times what you can handle and what you can’t handle. Because people who drink a lot love to brag about their drinking abilities. -They have their drinking number. Right? -[audience member shouts] They have their drinking number. You’ll hear ’em, you know. “Eleven shots of Don Julio. Whoo! Yeah!” They have their drinking number, even women. [imitates woman’s voice] “After four shots of Cuervo, I am so good. Four shots is my sweet spot.” [low voice] “What happens if you do five?” “I’ll wake up in an alley.” “What happens if you do six?” “That’s how I met Tyrone.” [mouthing words] See, with wine you cannot accurately measure how much you’re drinking unless you’re basing it on the bottle. And if you’re basing it on the bottle, then that’s a whole different issue. With wine, the glasses are always different sizes. Sometimes they’re big glasses. Sometimes they’re small glasses. And a lot of times you need to rely on someone to pour it for you. Sometimes they know what they’re doing. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they fill it up too high, which is not the proper amount. Sometimes they get it just right, which is a little bit less than half of the glass. Sometimes you get that greedy bastard from Olive Garden. You get that little sample. You have to hold it up in direct sunlight and do this. Then you drink it. “That’s pretty good. I got a coupon. Here you go.” And you never see wine drinkers drinking with real drinkers in dive bars. You might see ’em at a social gathering like this one or some corporate function, but never at a little hole in the wall. You’ll never see– “Jäger!” “¡Tequila! ¡Güey!” And in the middle– [English accent] “Merlot, I say. Oh, this is a fantastic establishment. I truly enjoy the decor here. This is amazing. This is brilliant, I tell you. Who cuts your grass? It’s fantastic.” I’m sorry. That voice always makes me laugh. I like it. It makes me smile, you know, when we’re here… in America. Whenever I travel and I perform in England, -that voice takes on a different meaning. -Whoo! I heard a “whoo.” Do we have people from the UK? [cheering] All right. Let me tell the rest of the people about you. I love it whenever people from the UK come here to the United States, because when we hear you speak, you sound incredible, you sound amazing, you sound educated, you sound inspirational. That accent is so proper. It is so proper. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, we’re drawn to whatever it is. You could be talking about trash, it sounds amazing. “Who could leave all this rubbish here? This is such a travesty. This is– All this destruction here all over the sidewalk. Someone must tend to this at once. This is ridiculous.” People are listening in. “I don’t know what happened over there, but the shit hit the fan. That guy from England is pissed. I don’t know. What the hell is ‘rubbish’?” See, it’s very different. Now, when one of us goes over there, man, it’s very, very different, because, see, we don’t sound the same as them. As a matter of fact, as Americans, we have a certain way with the English language. Do you understand how we sound to them? I mean, seriously, do you know how they look at us when they hear us speak? We sound like this to them: [Southern accent] “I’ll tell you, the other day I was hanging out with Phil. That sumbitch come over to the house. We had ourselves a good old time. Just me and Phil.” By the way, if you sound like that here tonight, I’m kidding. They’re just jokes. Don’t feel like just, you know, “I’m-a wait for his ass outside. I’ll see how funny he is when he gets to the parking lot. Fluffy, my ass.” I just think it’s funny… that, no matter what they talk about over there, they sound the same. It sounds the same, you know. Whereas with us, Americans, we speak according to our environment. We change it up. We morph. We adapt. We all have our– For example, we all have our “trying to get a good job” voice. When you walk in for that interview, you don’t sound the way you sound on a Saturday night when you’re having a couple drinks. You clean it up. You practice in the car. And when you walk in, you turn it on. “If you’ll check my references, you’ll see I’m more than qualified for this position. Please feel free to call Frank Torres. Frank will tell you the amazing job I did for him two and a half weeks ago. Listen, I’m ready to work seven days a week, 365 days a year. No job is too big. No task is too small. You can count on me. I’m the right person for the job. Please keep me in mind. Thank you for your time.” -And then you get to the parking lot– -[audience cheering] Then you get to the parking lot, and you’re like, “Whew! Hijo de la chingada. Ojalá me dé trabajo porque está cabrón, güey. [Spanish accent] I need a job, man. I need a job. Whew!” You guys know we all have our daytime voice that we have around our family and our friends and our children, you know. And then we have our late night voice, you know, our party voice. “Jäger!” And then, if you’re lucky enough, you have your late, late, late night voice. “That’s right. You don’t know what’s about to happen. You better get on– Te voy a agarrar… [mumbles] Te gusta así, ¿verdad?” Some of you are looking at me like, “Oh, my God, Fluffy’s a freak.” I’m just giving an example. All the kids are like, “Oh, this is different.” Sorry. I see those kids, and they’re just like– [gasps] Dad’s like, “Pinche Fluffy. No, no, no, no, no. Stupid. Bad Fluffy. Bad Fluffy. Bad Fluffy.” But, see, now over there, they sound the same no matter what they’re doing. When they apply for a job. “If you’ll check my references, you will see I’m qualified for this position.” When they party. “If you’ll pour the wine, I will drink it. It is brilliant, I tell you.” When they’re making love. “I’m going to part your legs like the Red Sea. I’m going to defile you in such an amazing fashion, you will rue the day you came across me at that local pub. I’m going to lower my drawbridge and introduce you to the queen! Yes, I shall. When you arrive at that magical moment, I want you to scream ‘victory.’” “Victory!” “My job is done here.” [audience cheering] The only messed-up part about that joke is that that’s the only joke the kids remember. Two weeks from now, you’re trying to get in the room. You’re like, “Why is this door locked?” And then you hear, “Victory!” I see a couple of young adults there. How old are you guys? -Thirteen. -[Gabriel] Thirteen. Wow. And next to you? -[Gabriel] How old are you? -Ten. You’re ten. [gasps] Okay. I am so sorry for what Martin said. Ten years old. I can’t feel too bad because you know what? Ten-year-olds are young adults. You are a young adult. I don’t see you as a kid. A kid to me, first of all, is someone who doesn’t have access to the Internet. You have, I’m sure, a tablet, a cell phone or access to online services, right? Services. “What the hell is he talking about?” Bad choice of words. You know what I mean, right? You’ve probably seen and heard a few things already. And the parents are like, “No, not my child. I lock their phone.” Yeah, but you don’t lock their friend’s phone. I feel bad whenever I say something that’s kind of, like, risqué whenever parents bring a four-year-old, five-year-old, six-year-old. And, yes, it happens. Then I feel bad. I’ll meet ’em after the show and I’m like, “I am so sorry for what you heard me say.” And it’s always funny to see the parents say, “Oh, they hear worse at home.” Nothing like watching a four-year-old confirm that. You know, just– [groans, chuckles] Like, for example, my son. He’s 18 years old, but he still doesn’t cuss at home. Okay? Whatever he does in public, I have no control over. But at home he knows he cannot cuss. One time. One time in, like, 13 years I caught my son cussing at home, and I couldn’t even get mad. He had fallen down the stairs. [laughs] I don’t mean to laugh, but think about it. What am I gonna do to him that’s worse than what he just did to himself? I heard it too. [screams] [imitates clattering sound] “Son of a bitch!” [imitates thud] I ran over. I didn’t even check his safety. I was like, “What did you say? Hey, you earned that one.” I said, “If you want to say the F-word, next time let me push you.” That’s when I knew he fell hard. “Really?” “No. Get up here. Come on.” [laughs] Cool. Welcome, you guys. Hope you have a good– I know you’re getting nervous, Dad. You’re like, “What’s he telling my son?” No, nothing. Being cool. But thank you for trusting me to bring your kids to the show. Yeah. -[applause] -Or your young adults. Sorry. Thank you for trusting me to bring your young adults to the show. By the way, I know I keep pointing at people in the front right here. [chuckles] If you’re here tonight… with someone you have no business being here with… and you see a camera coming by, just be like, “Hey. [hisses, grunts] Victory!” They’re very respectful. They’ll go to the next person. Don’t even worry about that. [laughs] Before I forget, you guys, I would like to thank the Allstate Arena for providing some amazing accommodations backstage. [audience cheering] Let me tell you right now, I love my dressing room for the simple fact that it has basic things that I really like, like light switches. A lot of these arenas are now starting to go green. So they’re taking away the light switches and they’re replacing ’em with sensors. Sensors are cool when they work. Know what I mean? You’re ten feet away, it senses you, and the whole room just– [imitates electrical hum] What I don’t like is when they’re messed up, you have to walk into a dark-ass room and establish your presence. [imitates electrical hum] But then you stand still for four seconds. [imitates hum stopping] “Shit!” [imitates electrical hum] In addition, backstage my sink has knobs on it. I have control of the temperature and pressure of the water, which in the Chicago area, I believe, is very important, especially in the winter. Oh, man, you guys are no joke in the winter. You need warm water when you wash your hands. You can’t rely on a sensor that gives you nothing but cold water, ’cause you wash your hands with cold water, your hands get all cryptic. You go outside, people are making fun of you. “Lookit. ‘Thriller.’” My dressing room, you guys, has a sink that has hot and cold– You can control the water. You can control the temperature. You can control the pressure. I hate it when they take that away from us and replace it with that little sensor. So now, in addition to being a comedian, now I gotta be a magician. I’m not a magician, but if you watch me wash my hands, that’s what I look like. Nothing. Then you walk away. [imitates water running] I feel like there’s someone behind the mirror messing with me. “Watch this.” [imitates water running intermittently] Some places stop there. Some places keep going. I like a lot of soap when I wash my hands. I like a good soap dispenser. I like the, you know, the pump, the– [imitates soap dispenser squirting] I hate it when they take that away from us and then they replace it with that little spout that goes next to the faucet. You stick your hand under it, and it gives you that little booger of soap. You know what I mean? That little moco. You put it under. You– [imitates dispenser spitting] You need more. So you pull it out and then go back in. But the sensor’s like, “No. It’s still you.” Now you gotta trick it, right? Once you get enough soap on your hands, you gotta try to wash it off. But you can’t wash it off then because the timer for the water has timed out. So now you have to back up and now you have to put on a second performance. Now it’s a race to get that soap off your hands. Once you get the soap off your hands, now you gotta try to dry your hands. Some places still give you a towel. Some places give you paper towels. Some take the paper towels and put ’em in a box on the wall with another sensor. And there you are. [imitates dispenser humming, paper tearing] Three inches of paper. Three inches, Chicago. You can’t do anything with three inches. Ask any woman. They’ll tell you. Or a guy. I’m equal opportunity. I need control of the paper. I need the crank, the– [imitates dispenser cranking] [imitates paper tearing] [squeaking sound] Some places stop there. Some places keep going. Have you ever walked into the bathroom stall… close the door, locked it, turned around, looked at the toilet and seen a blinking red light on the wall? And you’re like, “Really? Here too?” All you’re trying to do is get the tissue paper off the wall for the toilet seat. You take one step– [imitates toilet flushing] I haven’t even done anything. You grab the paper. [imitates paper crinkling] [imitates paper whooshing] [imitates toilet flushing] Hey! [imitates paper crinkling, whooshing] You turn around and you put it on like a cape. [imitates paper whooshing] And you let it slide down your back while you slowly try to time it just right. Just as you’re about to sit down, somebody walks into the bathroom and distracts you. [imitates door clicking] Huh? [imitates toilet flushing] But it’s too late. Your knees are bent. And unless you do CrossFit, you’re not coming back from that one. Then your bare ass touches the seat… and you’re like, “Aah!” And just when you think it can’t get any worse– [imitates toilet flushing] And all this water’s splashing up, hitting you right in the ass. And then the water goes down the drain and it creates that air vortex that goes right between your legs. So now you have a tsunami in the back, you have a tornado in the front. And who’s the victim? [high-pitched voice] Pikachu. And he’s holding on for dear life. You haven’t even made magic yet, and you’ve already been violated by plumbing. Now you do what you need to do. You finish. Now it’s time for clean-up, time for maintenance. So you reach over for the toilet paper. And the problem with using the restroom nowadays is that most venues, including this one, instead of putting a human-size toilet paper roll inside of the human-size toilet paper roll dispenser… they take their ass to Costco or Sam’s Club or one of these places where you buy in bulk, and they buy that giant gorilla roll of toilet paper. Then they come back here and they force it into that little tiny compartment… and then they close the door on it. [imitates door latching] So now this giant wheel is locked in place. You can’t even spin it. You’re just– [grunting] You can’t even find where it starts because they glue it. Out of desperation you gotta pull out your car keys and cut into the side of it like a bag of cocaine on Narcos. Then you get the paper. [imitates paper whooshing, snapping] You try to wipe. [imitates scraping sound] [screams] Chicago, a year from now, a year from now I am predicting that they are going to take 100% control of the restroom. You’re gonna be sitting there, and you’re gonna think of me ’cause you’re gonna see it. You’re gonna look over to get the toilet paper, and there’s gonna be a blinking red light on it. And you’re gonna be like, “Oh, my God, Fluffy called it.” And what are you gonna have to do? [chuckles] [imitates dispenser humming, paper tearing] One sheet. [imitates dispenser humming, paper tearing repeatedly] You’re gonna get frustrated and just sit on it, just– [imitates dispenser humming constantly] [imitates paper tearing] Sorry, bro. I know that was a lot of culo I threw at you right there. [laughs] She’s like, “It’s like Magic Mike.” [laughs] I am so sorry, bro. That was a lot. “Damn!” Yeah. You guys, I understand. I understand why they do this to our restrooms, why they put sensors in places, because they’re trying to save energy, they’re trying to save water. I live in California. We need water. Okay? We do. But some places need sensors, some places don’t. Some places are good at teaching us how to conserve energy and conserve water. Some places are horrible at it, like the hotel that we’re staying at. They have a very basic thing that they do. They have a little cardboard sign that hangs on the towel rack in the bathroom. All it says is, “Please help save water by reusing your towel.” On the back, a diagram shows you the millions of gallons of water that are saved every year when people reuse their towel. I reuse ’em at home. I got no problem doing that at the hotel. It’s my towel. Some people don’t want to reuse their towels. They’re like, “That towel’s dirty.” Well, if that towel’s dirty, then you suck at showers. Because theoretically that white towel should be white every single time you use it. But, no, people like to roll it up and then go expert mode with it. And now you waste more water trying to get that out. Like I said, some places are good at teaching us how to save energy, save water. Some places are horrible at it. I was at a university not too long ago very close to here. And this university has a lot of money, so much so that they have their own private police department on campus. It’s only for the campus. Now, that’s not a big deal. There’s a lot of colleges that have their own on-campus police. The difference is this college, somehow or another, wound up giving the police department Priuses to use for their patrol cars. -[scattered cheers] -Some of you already know the university. Now, look, this is not even a joke. My thing is that, if you’re an officer of the law… it’s your job to fight crime. The first thing that people see when you arrive on a scene is your mode of transportation. Your vehicle needs to establish dominance of the situation before you set one foot outside. In California, over 65% of California Highway Patrol officers now drive SUVs. So when you get stopped over there, you feel it. You’re intimidated by it. [imitates loud engine slowing] [imitates siren blaring, horn honking] And people jump out on the freeway. “Don’t kill me!” Now, imagine getting stopped by– [imitates high-pitched motor slowing] Don’t let me get stopped by a cop in a Prius… with attitude. “You know why I stopped you?” [laughs] ’Cause I let you? Imagine the first time they did a DUI stop. The cop probably didn’t even get out of the car. He just stayed on the radio. “Sir, step out of your vehicle right now.” “Okay. Okay.” [imitates door slamming] “All right. Is that a Prius? I must be drunk.” “Sir, walk the line.” “Okay, all right, all right, all right. Officer? [coughs] If I gotta go to jail, can you call a real cop car to pick me up?” “Stop being a smart-ass. Walk the line.” “Okay. Hey, real quick, real quick, real quick, real quick. Hey, hey, hey, charge my phone.” “That’s it. You’re going to jail.” [clicks tongue] “Aah!” [imitates high-pitched motor] [chuckles] I don’t know, man. -[man shouting] -A lot of time– Yes, sir? ¿Qué pasó? [audience members shouting] I love you too, bro. Give me cake, sugar-free. [laughing] Thank you. I gotta be careful. I almost slipped right there. He’s like, “I’ll catch you.” Yeah, you’ll catch me, you’ll catch me and you’ll catch me. It’s like SeaWorld without the water. I gotta start being careful, you guys, because I’m noticing now, after six specials, that a lot of my material, a lot of my stories are starting to come back to haunt me. Some of them in good ways, some of them not so good. For example, in 1997… on TV one time, one time, I said, “I love chocolate cake.” One time. Nineteen years later, people are still bringing me chocolate cakes. That is crazy. I mean, think about that. Nineteen years ago, and I’m still getting cake. I’ve only said it one time. Next thing you know, I talked about how much I love diet sodas. Next thing you know, people started bringing me diet sodas. In the following special, Aloha Fluffy, I started talking about how my son’s growing a little bit older and the hormones are kicking in and he needed to use deodorant. Next thing you know, his friends started bringing deodorant and people started bringing deodorant to my shows for me to give to my son. In that same special, Aloha Fluffy… I told a story, a story that went viral, called “The Racist Gift Basket Story.” [audience cheering, applauding] The story itself is about 15 minutes long, okay? I’m gonna give you the three-minute version of that story so you understand what’s going on. Basically, Martin and I are doing a show in Sacramento, California. We’re driving from LA to Sacramento. We’re passing through a small town called Fresno. As we’re passing through Fresno, we reach out to the local promoter who does the shows there. We’re good friends with him. And he tells us, you know, ’cause we’re trying to have lunch– And he goes, “He’s busy. But by the way, G Reilly’s in town.” And we’re like, “Oh, shoot, our friend G Reilly’s in town.” “He’s at the hotel.” “All right, he’s at the hotel.” We knew exactly where he was at. So I say, “Martin, how about we go and visit G?” Martin goes, “Let’s stop by.” I figured first let’s pick up some sodas, some drinks so we can surprise him. We get to the market. We walk in the door, we see a whole pile of gift baskets. Martin goes, “We should get him a gift basket.” I said, “Martin, G Reilly doesn’t like gift baskets, okay? He doesn’t like the fancy wine and the fancy cheese and the sausage. He definitely hates crackers.” -[audience laughing] -You don’t even know why that’s so funny. -But anyways– -[audience laughing] I said, “How about this, Martin? He doesn’t know we’re coming. Let’s have fun with him. How about we make him a racist gift basket?” And Martin goes, “What’s that?” I go, “You know, Martin, a racist gift basket, a gift basket designed to have fun with whatever race you’re trying to mess with.” Now, in G’s case, he’s black. It was easy. Now, I say easy not to be an ass. I say easy because there are so many stereotypes attached to African Americans. So we had this empty gift basket. What did we put in it? Fried chicken, watermelon, Kool-Aid, grape soda, barbecued potato chips, sunflower seeds, an Ebony magazine, a Chris Rock DVD called Bigger and Blacker, Magnum condoms, Newport cigarettes, a rack of ribs, the recipe for corn bread. We put everything but a white girl with a big ass in the basket. We wrapped it up really nice, we put a big bow on it and took it to the hotel. We had the girl at the front desk deliver it to his room. Martin and I are waiting in the hallway where he can’t see us. So she knocks on the door. [imitates knocking] G Reilly opens the door. She gives him the gift basket. He says, “Thank you,” closes the door. [imitates door closing] Martin and I run to the door, and we start listening to him opening up the gift basket. As he’s opening it, he’s getting excited. And he is enjoying every single thing he is pulling out of that basket. He is loving this basket until he realizes it’s a practical joke, and then he freaks out because he read the greeting card. The greeting card freaked him out because now he thinks that the KKK sent the gift basket. Some of you are like, “Why does he think that?” ’Cause that’s what we wrote. If you’re gonna do a practical joke, you go big or you go home. So he freaks out and he tries to run out of the hotel room. As soon as he gets in the hallway, he sees Martin and I laughing and he puts two and two together. So then he cusses us out. He forgives us, gives us a hug, high five, we go back in his room. And then I eat his chicken. What winds up happening is that story goes crazy on Comedy Central. People are giving ’em a hard time. They pull it. Next thing you know, I upload it through YouTube. Ten million views it gets on YouTube. Then they flag it because the word “racist” is in the title. So it gets pulled off. So then I reupload it. It gets another ten million. Then I had people share it. All in all, the video’s probably gotten about a little over a hundred million views. So here’s what happened. Just like… the chocolate cakes– [audience laughing] the diet soda… and the deodorant… before you know it, people started bringing me… Mexican racist gift baskets. Now, when it first started happening– Listen, guys, I’m not gonna lie. It was actually kind of cute because it was only other Mexicans bringing me these “Mexican racist gift baskets.” It started in LA after a show. This one guy walks up to me with a basket, and he’s like, “Hey, what’s up, homey? Got you a racist gift basket.” I said, “We’re the same race.” “Hey, whatever.” “All right, whatever.” I take it backstage, and all the items in the basket made it to my house. There was a Mexican blanket with a tiger on it, a bunch of bottles of Fanta, bottles of sangria, Vicente Fernández CDs, Mexican candy, pan dulce, sweet bread, mazapanes. Everything made it to my house. Now… the more East Coast we started traveling and the more Down South we started performing… the more… creative… the gift baskets started getting. Fast-forward to Mobile, Alabama. [audience laughing, oohing] Oh, it gets good. Earlier tonight, before we kicked off this special, my friend Martin was out here making a couple of announcements. One of the announcements that he made was, “If you brought a gift, please hold on to it until after the show. Don’t bring it to the stage. It could interrupt the flow of the performance.” The only reason why he makes this announcement every single night is because of one show in Mobile. So here’s what happens. I tell the entire “Racist Gift Basket Story,” the full 16 minutes, right? As soon as I finish, a guy from the back of the theater rushes the front of the stage. Now keep in mind this area is full. In Mobile the aisle was right up the middle. So the guy had a clean shot to me. He hauled ass like it was The Price Is Right all the way down. [imitating motor revving] Much like tonight, there was security there that night. Security sees the guy with the basket, but no one thought to stop him. All they did was, [Southern accent] “That’s pretty.” “Oh, that’s nice. That’s pretty, yeah.” So the guy makes it all the way to the front, takes the gift basket, and he puts it on the stage. Now he’s heckling me from where you’re sitting. I’m standing here and he’s like, “Fluffy!” “What’s up, dude?” [Southern accent] “I got this for you.” Thank you. “Open it.” I go, “Sir, we’re in the middle of a show right now.” I says, “I appreciate the gift. That’s very nice of you. But how about this? I’ll open it after the show.” “Oh, come on, Fluffy. I wanna see your face.” “Sir, how about this? How about you take the gift basket and bring it to the side where security’s at? And I’ll have security escort you behind the curtain. And then I’ll open it up backstage with you in front of me. How’s that?” And he’s not taking no for an answer. Now the problem is the crowd just saw me tell “The Racist Gift Basket Story,” and all of a sudden there’s a guy with a gift basket. They have no idea I’m not affiliated with freakin’ Duck Dynasty in the front row. So now I’m trying to defuse the situation before it gets crazy, but he’s not taking no for an answer. Next thing you know, he does something no other audience member has ever done in my 19-plus years as a comedian. He takes the whole crowd away from me, flips ’em, and then uses ’em on me… in five seconds. It was the most amazing, horrific thing I have ever witnessed. This is all he did: [Southern accent] “Come on, Fluffy! We wanna see your face! We wanna see your face! We wanna see your–” He gets 2,000 people behind him to start chanting. [whispering loudly] “We wanna see your face. We wanna see your face.” It was very evident this was not the first rally he’s ever led. The crowd is so loud, I can no longer hear myself over the monitor. So I’m like– I lost. So I get on my hands and knees. I put the microphone down, I grab the gift basket, and I start tearing it open. I reach in. Forget about pulling out Mexican soda, Mexican candy or a Mexican blanket. This dude was a pro. I started pulling out gardening tools. I’m pulling out a rake, a toy shovel, a toy leaf blower. [Southern accent] “Dig deeper, Fluffy! Dig deeper!” I pull out a soccer ball. I go, “Dude, it says Puerto Rico.” “They ran out of Mexico.” I pull out a brick. I go, “What’s the brick for?” “The wall.” I pull out an actual application for US citizenship. [audience gasping] I said, “There’s no way this can get any worse.” “Dig deeper!” I was wrong. I pull out an old-school box of Crayola Crayons. You know, the 64-pack that has a sharpener in the back? -[cheering] -Okay. There’s a window on the front of the crayons so you can see all of the colors that are in the box. All of the crayons in the box are brown except for one white crayon right in the middle. And I said, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” And he looks at me and he says, “Welcome to my world.” The crowd is laughing so hard, I know for a fact I don’t have a joke that’s gonna follow that. So I made like that was the end of my performance. I picked up the gift basket. I said, “Thank you, Mobile!” [imitates audience cheering] And I gave the guy a dirty look. “Motherfucker!” I go behind the curtain. Martin is waiting behind the curtain. And Martin’s like, “Bro. You killed it out there.” I go, “Martin, they weren’t laughing at my jokes.” “What were they laughing at?” And I showed him the application. And he’s like– [screams] “You’re not my friend. Not my friend.” So I walk into the dressing room, you guys, and I’m pissed, man. I walk in. I close the door. [imitates door slamming] Put the basket down. I’m scratching my head. I’m trying to think, “What could I have done to have prevented that from getting to where it went? Should I have grabbed the gift basket, moved it out of the way? Should I have had security grab the guy? Grab the gift basket and the guy?” Every idea that I’m coming up with is ending worse. Finally, I accept it. I jump in the shower. I get out. I get dressed. Security shows up. [imitates knocking] “Mr. Iglesias?” “Yeah.” “Ready?” “Yeah, yeah. Give me a second.” I grab my backpack. I put on my backpack. I walk over to the door, open up the door. “Let’s go.” He sees the gift basket on the chair, and he’s trying to be nice. “I’ll get that for you, sir.” “Uh– Yeah, bring it. Bring… Never know when you might need an application.” So now he’s escorting me out the back door of the theater into an empty parking lot on our way to the tour bus that’s at the very end of the parking lot. We’re walking for a good four minutes. All of a sudden, I hear this: “Fluffy! Whoo-ooh! Fluffy! Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Flu-Fluffy! Hoo-hoo, Fluffy!” I’m like, “Is he hog-calling me?” “I believe so, sir.” It’s the guy that gave me the gift basket, and now he’s standing next to the tour bus. So there’s no way I’m gonna get past him. So I’m like, “Man!” So we stop walking. Security’s like, “Would you like me to call for backup?” “You don’t need to. He’s not gonna hurt me. It’s just gonna get really weird.” I pull out my cell phone, and I’m trying to text Martin. “Come on, Martin. Get over–” He’s not replying. The guy gets tired of waiting next to the bus. So now he’s walking towards me, but he’s doing it in a really weird way. He’s walking towards me like I’m a dangerous animal. Okay? He’s doing this: “Fluffy. Fluffy.” “I’m not gonna do anything!” And he walks over, and he’s just ranting. “All right, look here, Fluffster. First and foremost, let me just tell you something right now. I’ve been watching your comedy for about seven years now, and my favorite joke that you tell is when you give that gift basket to your colored friend G. Man, first time I heard you tell that joke, I wanted to laugh really hard, but I couldn’t, right? ’Cause I was at a bar sitting next to two black people. You can’t laugh at a black joke in front of black people ’cause they get all uppity, start chanting civil rights and Rosa Parks and shit like that. And, hey, I voted for Obama, but it’s too soon to laugh. You know what I’m sayin’? Anyway, I took my happy ass home, and I got on the Internet, and I Googled ‘Racist Gift Basket,’ and your joke came up, and I had me a good old laugh, and I says, ‘You know, I love Fluffy’s sense of humor. He likes to push the envelope with his friends, and he doesn’t allow political correctness to interfere with a good friendship. At the end of the day, you’re still friends, you still love each other, you still respect one another.’ I said, ‘Hey, if the Fluffster ever shows his ass here in Mobile, be first in line to get me one of them tickets.’ And you came! So I tell my friends, ‘Let’s go! Let’s go see the Fluffster.’ I said, ‘But first, I’d bet you anything he’d appreciate it if somebody were to get him one of them gift baskets like he got G.’ Except we got you the UPS basket.” “UPS basket?” “Yeah, ‘What can brown do for you?’ So–” [audience laughing] “The problem is you didn’t laugh. You got offended, and I didn’t want you to get offended, Fluffster. I wanted you to laugh. But the problem is, is that, you know, I didn’t need you thinking that Mobile was a horrible place and we were horrible people. We were just trying to have fun with you the same way you had fun with G. We work very hard here, 40-plus hours a week myself. And the amount of money and time that we put into that gift basket is only because we love you. Hey, you have any idea how long I was on the goddamn Internet trying to find an application for US citizenship? In English? Are you shitting me? Everything’s in español. Hey, I voted for Obama. I ain’t got time for that. The bottom line is that I’m sorry for interfering with your performance. It’ll never happen again. I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and hopefully you’ll allow me to take a picture with you. I’m sorry.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, I’m a dick.” I said, “Listen, sir, you don’t have to apologize. I should apologize. I didn’t handle the situation the right way. But you gotta look at it through my eyes. I’ve never had anyone take an entire crowd away from me.” “That was pretty good, huh?” “Will you listen? Yes, that was pretty good. Look, I’m very sorry that I got upset. First time that happens. I won’t let that happen again. You don’t have to apologize. I will be happy to take a picture with you.” “Now, see– Now, see? That’s what I’m saying right there. That’s what I’m saying right there! All my friends are like, ‘To hell with that beaner.’ I said, ‘Nope. Nope. That beaner is good people.’” [audience applauding, cheering] And then he pulled out his camera, right? [imitates camera ratcheting] And he tries to hand this disposable FunSaver camera to this 19-year-old security guard who’s never handled that level of technology. He puts the gift basket down. We hand him the camera. He’s looking for an app. He’s looking for a screen. Meanwhile, the guy wants to pose with his arm over my shoulders. He’s a little shorter than me, so I gotta do this one right here, okay? He’s got me in this headlock, and he just starts talking. “Look here, Fluffster. Let me just tell you something right now. I really appreciate what you do. I’m gonna continue to pray for you, your family, your friends and your success because what you do is a godsend. It really is. In these times, you make people smile, you make people laugh. We need more of that in our lives. Look, I’m not trying to blow smoke up your butt, but look. I don’t have children, but if I ever had one of my own, I’d hope he’d have your spirit. God bless you.” “Listen. Thank you. Thank you very much. [audience cheering] Hey, buddy, listen. If there’s anything I can do–” “Hey, b-b-b-b-bah. D-Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Don’t say what you don’t mean. Let’s just take a picture. Don’t say what you don’t mean if you don’t mean it.” “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.” “Hold up the application.” Chicago, I love you. Thank you. Have a great night. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! [song intro] [audience cheering] ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to say hello ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to let you know ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ Mmm, you’re Fluffy, automatic ♪ ♪ Break it down, systematic ♪ ♪ Healthy, husky, Fluffy ♪ [Fluffy] Damn! ♪ Drive-thru fanatic ♪ ♪ Ladies, check out the figure ♪ ♪ Curvaceous and climactic ♪ ♪ Man, he’s hotter than a tan on a Jersey Shore fanatic ♪ -[Fluffy] Uh-uh, look here, Nacho Libre -♪Fluffy ♪ ♪ Mr. Fabulous in “Road Trip” ♪ -♪ Fluffy ♪ -♪ The palm tree to your toothpick ♪ -[Fluffy] Oh, hell, no! -♪ French braider, laugh instater ♪ ♪ Crackin’ smiles to South Decatur ♪ ♪ Fits and giggles instigator ♪ ♪ Fluffalicious makes it greater ♪ ♪ It’s time to say hello ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to let you know ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ Yeah, yo, Fluffy, what’s the status? ♪ ♪ Sho’nuff, yo, who’s the baddest? ♪ ♪ Yo, hit them funny bones with them comedic acrobatics ♪ [Fluffy] Martin! ♪ Feel the force, boy Quit all the chatter ♪ ♪ I’ll just get more Fluffy ♪ ♪ Hopefully the chocolate cake gets fatter ♪ [Fluffy] Mmm, chocolate cake -♪ Fluffy ♪ -♪ Worldwide to Cali-fresh, yes ♪ ♪ You got your Hawaiian shirt pressed? ♪ [Fluffy] Oh, my God, yes ♪ He’s full of soul and built tough like King Kong ♪ ♪ Everybody stand up, fluff it up ♪ -♪ And sing this song ♪ -♪ Come on ♪ ♪ It’s time to say hello ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to let you know ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ [people chattering] ♪ It’s time to let you know ♪ ♪ How to do the Fluffy Flow ♪ ♪ It’s time to say hello ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to let you know ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to say hello ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to let you know ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Fluffy ♪ ♪ It’s time to say hello ♪ ♪ This is The Fluffy Show ♪ ♪ Hey, it’s Fluffy ♪ [Fluffy] Oh, my God, yes.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

GABRIEL IGLESIAS: I’M NOT FAT … I’M FLUFFY (2009) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-im-not-fat-im-fluffy-2009-full-transcript/

[energetic music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] – El Paso, Texas, give it up for Gabriel Iglesias! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ – What’s up, El Paso? [crowd cheering] Thank you guys, very very much. Oh, my God. Ah, I got chills. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. [laughs] Thank you very much. Thank you. Whoo. I missed you too. Sientate, tio; sientate. Oh, my God. Somebody saw me running. Correle, gordo. Correle, correle. Yeah, I know, friggin’… [exhales] [laughs] Oh, my God, you guys. I know a lot of you are like, “What took you so long to come back to El Paso?” [crowd cheering] I don’t have a good excuse, but I hope this makes up for it. [crowd cheering] Man, I have some history in this town. Been coming here since July of 1 997. [crowd hooting] Yeah. Used to perform on the west side of town over at Bart Reed’s Comic Strip. [crowd cheering] I was here on my 21st birthday. I’ll never forget. Never forget it. And that’s the last time I drank in El Paso. Uh-huh. You guys don’t mess around. It was my birthday. I’m hanging out at the club, and they’re like, “It’s your birthday.” I’m like, “It’s my birthday.” “You want a drink?” “Sure.” So I started drinking and drinking and drinking. And then the staff was like, “Do you want to party?” I was like… [slurring] “I wanna party.” “You want to dance?” “I wanna dance.” I passed out, and I woke up at someplace called the O.P. [laughter and cheers] Now, see, you guys are clapping and you’re laughing because you know. [laughter] I didn’t know it was an “alternative” night club. I’m from L.A. I thought O.P. stood for “Orale Pues”. [laughter] And that is a messed up way to sober up, you know. I’m at the club. I’m dancing, you know. [beat-boxing] Hey. [beat-boxing] Hey! [laughter and applause] There was a little guy behind me going, “Pikachu.” He was like, “Yo tambien soy Pokemon.” No. Uh-uh. But it was kind of crazy. I was getting checked out by guys. I was like, “Oh, my God.” And I know they were checking me out, ’cause they were looking at me like I look at tacos. But then I thought about it. “Oh, my God, I just turned on a man. Shoot.” Man, I called my girlfriend. I said, “You better not mess up. I have options.” Uh-huh. I have memory. A few years back, I was doing a show at the Comic Strip, and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez, was in town doing a benefit. He calls up the Comic Strip, and he says, he says, “Hey, listen, I’m doing a benefit up the street. “Y sabes que, vato? “I’m gonna come down there, and I want to do some shots. Some tequila, some tacos.” I’m like, “Let’s do it.” He shows up to the club, and he says, “All right, get in the car. Let’s go.” “Where are we going?” “We’re going to Juarez.” “Juarez? Let’s eat some tacos here.” “I can’t afford you here. Let’s go to the other side.” [makes engine noise] So we wind up on the other side, and we wound up killing some tacos, and, you know, we wound up crossing the border. And when we crossed the border, it was a few months after I taped a bunch of water commercials here. You guys remember the water commercials? Yeah, and then they pulled me off the advertising because they said I was too fat to sell water. Whatever. So we’re crossing the border, and Immigration was right there, and they’re checking the cars, and we’re in a blue van. My buddy Jim, who’s sitting over there, was driving, and Border Patrol comes over to the window, and he goes— he opens the door and he sees me. He goes, “Oh, my God. It’s you. You’re hysterical. And I go, “What do you think of this guy?” And Paul was like, “Hey, what’s up?” And the guy was like, “Oh, my God.” So we wound up taking pictures at the border. And it was so funny, ’cause we’re outside the car, and we’re pretending to be arrested, right? People are driving by going, “Let Paul Rodriguez and Pikachu go!” They’re American! Let ’em go!” [laughing] It was priceless. We crossed the border, and Paul was like, “I want to go hang out and have a good time.” He went to this place off the 1 0 called Jaguars. [crowd cheers] It’s a “male,” you know, gentleman’s club, whatever you want to call it. So we go in there, and I’m like, “Oh, my God.” As soon as we walked in, I’m like— I’m thinking Paul’s gonna be all like, “Shh, I don’t want nobody to know I’m here.” Goes over to the DJ, and the DJ’s like, “All right, ladies, look who just walked in: Paul Rodriguez!” All of a sudden, there’s, like, 32 lap dances that stop like that. And all these girls, they bum-rush Paul. And I’m like, “Wow, I got to get funnier.” So we’re hanging out there for a couple of hours. So we wind up outside in the parking lot, And this girl jumped into the car, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez. “I love you. My mama’s a huge fan too. Here. Please, please, please.” And he, “Whatever, whatever, okay, come here, come here.” “Here, please, talk to her on the phone.” “Ora.” He looks at me in the front seat, and he goes, “Hey, tu, Iglesias. Here, be me.” He put me on the phone with the girl’s mom. I’m like, “Hey, senora. How you doing? “Yeah, you know, uh… “your daughter, she’s a real angel. Yeah. That’s what they call her here.” [audience laughing] Yeah, man, I love Paul. Like I said, Paul’s the… you know, one of the main reasons why I got into comedy. And he used to mess with me a lot; trust me. In my last special, I talked about how I had a Volkswagen Beetle. It was a true story. I really had a Beetle. And I got rid of it because I got tired of the fat jokes. When you’re a fluffy guy and you have a little car and all of your friends are professional comedians… oh, they’ll make you cry. Paul, especially. “How the hell did you manage to squeeze inside of that? “Hombre, I have never seen a car expand before “while someone was inside of it. “How do you get a stretch mark on the windshield? “That’s what I want to know. When you fart, does it go faster?” One after another after another. I’m like, “Oh, my God.” And you know what it is? It’s Karma. ‘Cause ten years ago, I did a joke about Paul Rodriguez on TV. I used to be on a show on the Nickelodeon Network called AII That. Some of you remember? Yeah? That was me, a lot smaller. I was only two X’s. I was a dos equis. Yeah. Anyway, as soon as the TV show season was over, they gave all the cast members gifts. They gave this one girl a TV, this one kid a DVD collection. Since I was the only one who had his own car, they gave me a car alarm with a remote start to it. A lot of cars have those now, but think back ten years ago. There was only a few that had the… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] My friends went, “Where’d you get that?” I looked at them, and I said… “Nickelodeon!” “That’s bad!” I go to show it off to everybody. I show it to my mom, I said, “Mom, go to the car. I got to use the bathroom. I left you a present.” [gasps] “Un present, okay!” So she goes to the car, and I started the car from the kitchen. [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] ” El diablo! El diablo! El diablo!” I had to run outside. “Mom, it’s not the devil. Lookit, lookit, lookit.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Nickelodeon!” “Oh, my God, mijo. Oh, my God, you scared me.” Me sacastes un pedo, mijo. “Oh, my God, mira. Smell, smell, smell. Smell, mijo, smell. ” I wind up doing a show in Hollywood at a comedy club, and I’m working with my idol, with Paul Rodriguez. Soon as the show was over, we go—you know, we’re walking out the door, and he walks up to me and he says, “You know, I like the whole fluffy thing you do. “It’s catchy. Sounds cute. Keep eating.” We walk outside, and my car is parked there first because I showed up late. So I’m—you know, my car’s right there and Paul walks by. “All right, take it easy.” He walks right in front of my car. And my friend goes, “Dude, show him your car. Show him Nickelodeon.” And I couldn’t help it, you know, freakin’… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Hey! Hijole!” What the hell? What is this?” “Paul!” “Nickelodeon!” “Hombre, cabron pinche, Fluffy, you gave me a heart attack. You take it easy.” Valet brings his car around, a brand-new Porsche 91 1. The car was nice. You know, it pulls up. [imitates roaring engine] Valet gives him the keys. He turns around and looks at me. “Hey, tu, Fluffy. Check it out.” I’m like, “Whatever. It’s not Nickelodeon.” [imitates car alarm beeping] The door pops open. [imitates whirring, beeping] Trunk. [imitates whirring] “I’m not through yet.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] [imitates engine revving] [imitates car horn playing “La Cucaracha”] [imitates beeping] “HBO.” [laughing and cheering] A lot has changed, El Paso. A lot has changed. One thing’s for sure; I’m still the fluffy guy. [cheering] And I say “fluffy” ’cause that is the politically correct term. For those of you that don’t remember, I used to say that there were five levels of fatness. Reason why I say “used to say” is because now there are six. Uh-huh. I met the new one in Las Cruces. The original five levels are big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn! People ask, “What could be bigger than damn?” The new level’s called, “Oh, hell, no!” [laughter, applause] What’s the difference? You’re still willing to work with level five. Example: If you’re on an elevator and you’re with your friend, and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other, and you’re like, “Damn!” But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That’s the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator. [deep grunting] “Oh, hell, no!” [rumbling] “No!” [rumbling] “No! No!” That’s the difference. The guy that I met was 6″8′, 614 pounds. [audience gasping] Uh-huh, “Aw, hell, no.” And he was offended at my show, not by anything that I said but because of the fact that now, at the shows, I started selling T-shirts, and, apparently, I didn’t have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to 5X on the T-shirts, and he was like… [in deep, raspy voice] “You don’t have my size.” I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know they made you.” [laughter] I have up to 5X, I don’t have [growls] “X” with a picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know. No. And by the way, you guys, I want to let you know now here in this theater and all over the world, wherever anybody’s watching this special, if you ever see me in public, either at a restaurant or at a hotel or anywhere, and you want to stop me and say hello or take a picture or anything, please. I welcome it and it’s an honor if you were to do that. I do not mind at all. [cheering and applause] Stop me anytime you want. I’m the same person. The same guy. Thank you. Seriously, the same guy you see now is the same guy you’d see outside. I don’t change, you know. You’re not gonna walk up and go, “Gabriel, can I talk to you?” I’m not going to be like, “Be gone from me. “Gabriel is my stage name. I’m not even Mexican; I’m Scandinavian.” No, trust me, I’m the same pendejo you’ll see outside. I don’t mind. I love it, you guys, trust me. You guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life and take care of my family, so I’m all for it. Not a problem. Trust me, right now it’s so crazy ’cause I’m still adjusting to people walking up to me. I’m checking into the hotel, and they already knew me, which was crazy. I go like, “Uh, hi, I’m checking in.” “Here’s your key, sir.” “But, um, um…” “We know it’s you, sir.” I’m like, “Ah!” [laughs] You know, I think that’s awesome. I needed that, like, six years ago. One time, I was trying to check into a hotel in Chicago at 1:00 in the morning because I missed my flight. Nobody’s at the front desk, just the little bell and a sign that said “Ring for service.” So there I am. Ching. Ching, ching. Ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Ching, ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. All of a sudden, I heard this. “I hear the bell.” All of a sudden, this lady came out. [exhales] “Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?” “Um, I’m checking in.” “You know what time it is? It’s tomorrow.” “I know, I missed my flight.” “Mm-hmm, whatever you say.” [exhales] “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. “I got a big-ass Mexican showing up late as hell. Okay.” [imitates typing] “What’s your name?” “My name is Gabriel Iglesias.” ‘”E’-glesias?” “Yes, Iglesias.” “Okay, ‘E’-glesias, okay, E-G-L-I…” “No, no, no, no, it’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “With an ‘I’? “But you said ‘E’…glesias. “You didn’t say ‘I’-glesias. You said ‘E’…glesias.” “It’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “Mm-hmm, whatever you say. It’s your damn name. “Okay? Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ [exhales] “You know, that’s bad for you.” “Oh, this right here? My grandmamma lived to be 1 00 years old.” “Smoking?” “Minding her own damn business. Okay? “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ “Okay, I found you in the system. I got you for two nights, full-size bed, non-smoking.” “I requested a queen-size bed.” “And you would have got a queen “if you’d have been here yesterday, “but it’s tomorrow and you’re lucky I’m talking to you, “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ What’s the ‘I’ stand for— ‘I need a bigger bed’?” “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. Nacho Libre is trippin’.” “Whatever. Give me a hard time.” A lot has changed, though, man. For those of you that don’t know by now, I finally became a dad. [cheering and applause] Yeah. Thank you. Hell, yeah. He’s ten. [laughing] Surprised me too. Yeah, they found me. And it’s not what you think. I didn’t discover that I had a lost child. It’s just that I hooked up with a beautiful woman who had a pre-started family, so basically I became a stepfather. You know, I just took over the payments. Best part for me is that my new son looks exactly like me. He’s fluffy too. [cheering and applause] Ten years old, 1 62 pounds. Yeah, he’s a little— damn. [laughter] And he’s the cutest kid. You talk to him— his name is Frankie— like, “Frankie, what do you like to do?” “I like microwave burritos and PlayStation.” “Me too.” Only problem is he wakes up early, 5:00 every morning. [knocking] [in squeaky voice] “Gabriel.” “What?” “I’m hungry.” “Me too. Make something.” And he does. I can hear him in the kitchen making Hot Pockets, you know, freaking— [beeping] [whirring] [beeps] And he opens the door and doesn’t close it, and the whole house freaking— [sniffs] [moans, laughs] ♪ Hot Pocket ♪ Delicious, oh. Oh, my God, and he’s so cute because right now he’s going through puberty, and I think it’s hysterical. His mom doesn’t think so. She’s like, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I caught him checking out a girl.” “How do you know?” “I was looking at her too.” She was hot! And I told my girl, I said, “Baby, don’t worry. “If he has any questions, I’ll be the man. I’ll take care of it.” ‘Cause I went through puberty at ten. And she’s like, “Oh, thank you.” I said, “Don’t worry, I took care of it. “You know, hey, I went through puberty at ten. I understand.” Plus, I had cable, so it was hardcore, you know. You know, what’s the difference now is that now you can program channels not to work. You couldn’t do that 20 years ago. You couldn’t block a kid unless you stayed up. My mom knocked out at 1 0:00, and right around 1 1:45… “The following program has not been rated “by the Motion Picture Association of America. “Due to its graphic sexual content, viewer discretion is advised.” [shrieks] I was ten years old; I lost my mind. I’m sitting on that couch; all of a sudden… [beatboxing sultry music] [in deep, sexy voice] “Are you ready? Uh-huh, oh, yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” “Oh, yeah.” “Yeah.” “Are you ready?” “I’m done.” And you know what’s crazy is, I know it’s happening at my house now ’cause one night I heard… [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” [laughs] “What’s he doing?” “Becoming a man.” And I was curious. I’m like, “I wonder what he’s watching,” so I started flipping through my channels, trying to find something that would “spark interest.” Sure enough, he’s watching Cinemax. Uh-huh, and I know that’s what he’s watching. That guy’s clapping— hell, yeah. [laughs] Cochino— yeah, I know. I know that’s what he’s watching because out of my TV, I’m getting direct sound, and then I’m getting, like, a little delayed echo down the hall. You know, so it’s like… [moaning] [distant moan] [in deep, sexy voice] “Yeah.” [distantly] “Yeah.” [moaning echoes] [in man’s voice] “Yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” I saw him the next morning. I said, “What were you doing last night?” “I was playing Nintendo.” “Yeah, whatever. You were playing ‘whee’.” And now he’s like… [sighs] Uh-huh, whatever, dude. Anyway, I know I’m sweating up here. The whole front row— you guys are like, “It smells like carnitas. He smells delicious.” Oh, big guys, I don’t know what it is. When we get hot, we smell like food. We should have our own cologne, huh? “From the makers of Tres Leches…” [spraying] “What’s that smell?” “Taco.” I’m a dork, I know. People ask me about the voices all the time. They’re like, “Do you do that just on stage, or do you do that in public too?” Like, no, of course I do the voices in public. I have to make myself laugh. You know, I like doing the voices in places where people can’t see me. Like drive-throughs. Oh, I’m evil at a drive-through, man, except the one by my house ’cause they know me. I mean, they really know me. I could show up at 2:00 in the morning or 2:00 in the afternoon, you know. [whirring, brakes screeching] “Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I help you?” “Yeah, let me have…” “Pull up.” [laughter] “I didn’t order.” “Gabriel, pull up.” [cheering] Whatever. Other places I’ve had fun—IHOP. Look at some of you— “IHOP? ” Yeah, let me explain this one. Next time you go to an IHOP, look for the podium. Usually on the weekends, they’ll have the podium set up right at the front door, and when you walk in, they’ll have a host and they’ll ask you, “How many in your party?” And you tell them two, three, four, whatever the case, and then when it’s time for your seats, they’ll call you with the little freaking— you know, they got the microphone on the side of the wall, and they’ll go, “Paging party of four, paging party of four, now serving.” When that party walked away, I grabbed her microphone and I said, “Paging Mexican party of 47, Mexican party of 47, now serving.” And the whole restaurant was like… All the guys in the kitchen. ” Orale guey!” Hell, yeah. I love IHOP. I go too much, you guys. I was at an IHOP one time during an earthquake. Wasn’t a big one. It was enough to feel it, but not freak out, you know. I live in California, so we get ’em a lot. But if you’re not used to that, you’re all… [screaming] “Earthquake!” You know, and I’m sitting there. I just rode it out, you know. [laughter, applause] [laughter, cheering, whistling] [sighs] Freaking earthquakes, man. You gotta choose which one you want, you know. Do you want earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, fires, floods? I live in California. I’ll take the earthquakes. You could sleep through ’em. You know, and then whenever they happen, you never believe it’s an earthquake. You’re like, “Is that an earthquake or a big truck?” Seriously, you’ll be like… [groaning] [mimicking truck horn] [screams] [laughing] Smell, smell, smell, smell. [laughing] [sighs] But, seriously, you can go to work and people are talking about how they were sleeping, you know. “Did you feel that tremor last night?” [yawning] You can’t sleep through a tornado or a hurricane. And I said that down South, and people were like, “Yeah, you can.” I said, “Not if it hits your house.” I’ve never seen that interview, you know. “Sir, what happened to your home?” [in Southern accent] “I don’t know what happened. “See, I woke up this morning, “and that son of a bitch was flipped over. “It’s the darnedest thing. “You know, I got a truck in the tree, “my dog is down the street, I can’t find my wife, “but that’s for a whole nother reason altogether. I was asleep.” “Sir, you were asleep?” “Damn right, I was asleep. “I got me one of them Tempur-Pedics over there. “Get ‘er done. That’s what I’m saying right there.” [cheering, applause] Whoo! [whistling] I love that impression, you guys. I love doing that. Every time I do it, somebody’s like, “Hey, that’s the redneck cable guy.” Mexicans, be careful. ‘Cause we have rednecks too. We do. And they sound exactly like the white ones. You guys are real quiet, huh? You don’t believe me? Watch this. White redneck: “I tell you what.” Mexican redneck: “Sabes que, guey.” [laughter, applause, cheering] [whistling] Uh-huh. White redneck: [imitating banjo] Mexican redneck— we put words and moves to that. ♪ Bailemos con el tuca ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el nazo ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el tuca tuca tuca tuca ♪ [cheering, whistling, applause] [cheers] Same guy. So be careful, man. [sighs] I had to take it easy with the voices once I got with my girlfriend. She, uh—she used to think it was cute, but then, you know, I scared her. One night we’re in the room, and she’s like, “Ooh, what are you gonna do to me?” And I was like, [in shrill voice] “You’re gonna get it!” [mimicking thumps] “Stop doing that!” [mimicking demonic laugh] Yeah. We used to role play. We used to play White House. Oh, that was so much fun back in the day. I’d wake her up at 3:00 in the morning. She’s like, “Who is it?” I was like… [mimicking Bill Clinton] “You know who it is.” [laughter, cheering, applause] “Ay, Senor, I don’t speak English.” [mimicking Bill Clinton] Hell, yeah. [laughter] That’s about as political as I get now, you guys. You know, things change. People ask me, “Do you get political?” I’m like, “No, not really,” you know. “What’s your take on Barack?” I’m like, “Well, he’s, you know, “he’s a lot smarter than the last one. That’s for sure.” I love his ass, man. [cheering, applause, whistling] Some people didn’t want Barack in office only because he was black. And I’m, like, how retarded— come on, you guys. You know, he’s Barack. He’s not Snoop Dogg. You know, it’s not like he’s going to come out, “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.” [beatboxing “Hail To The Chief”] ♪ Here we go again… ♪ [beatboxing continues] “Mr. President, Mr. President.” [mimicking Lil Wayne] Yeah-ya? No. Anyways, that’s as far as I’ll go with that. “He said he wasn’t gonna get political.” Yeah, I know. Gotta change that up, you guys. A lot of things are changing. A lot. Got the relationship now. It’s going good. I love my girlfriend. She’s here in the house tonight too. [cheering, applause] It’s awesome. We rarely fight. And I think that’s so freaking cool. And I know why. It’s because I do this for a living. Uh-huh, and she knows whatever we argue about will eventually end up right here. [laughter] It slows her down. You ought to see her. “You know what I think?” “Go ahead, say it, say it.” Uh-huh. Yeah. The only problem I have with my girl sometimes are her friends. I don’t like her friends, ’cause they’re haters. [scattered cheering] They are. Look, the guy’s clapping. Yeah, I know, man. It sucks. Every time I leave the house, and I go out of town for the weekend, they show up, and they start throwing little monkey wrenches in there, you know. [in female voice] “So he’s not here? “Where is he? How come you’re not with him? “What’s the story? What’s the deal? “How long have you been together now? “You’re not engaged? You’re not married? “What’s up? Is he gonna adopt Frankie? “What’s the word? What’s going on? “How come you don’t have a ring? “Norma has a ring and she’s a puta. How come you don’t have a ring?” [laughter, applause] So I’ll get these messed-up phone calls at, like, 2:00 in the morning when I’m the road, right. [mimics phone ringing] “Hello.” [mimics crying] “Baby?” “Yeah?” “Are you okay?” “Mm-hmm.” “What are you doing?” “Nothing. “I’m just here at the house, watching Cheaters. ” “Great.” Oh, wow, did you see that? I almost fell. Ooh! If I fall now, show’s over. [mumbling] Oh, my God. Yeah, there’ll be people outside. “We’re standing here live in front of the Plaza Theatre. “Where authorities believe Fluffy lost control. “Seven people were reported injured, “three were rushed to the hospital. “Authorities had this to say, ‘Damn!”‘ [cheering, applause, whistling] Whoo! Thank you. They’d be interviewing people. “Ma’am, what happened?” “It got dark.” “Sir, what did you see?” [mimics roaring, thud] “Se cayo Pikachu.” Yeah, l know. “He fell.” Uh-huh. But, no, anyways, let me finish to tell you what happened. So my girl started tripping out, and I start getting these weird phone calls. Finally, I got tired of it. I said, “You know what? I don’t need this. “You know, I don’t need it. “From now on when I take off on the road, no more phone calls.” – Yeah! – Look at that guy. “Yeah!” Are you here by yourself? [laughter] Uh-huh. Whatever, dude. [applause, cheering] Anyway… Here’s the thing: I took my girl to the Apple store. And I got her an iPhone. I got myself one and I said, “From now on, we’re texting each other.” And believe it or not, she was cool with that, because anytime she would send me a text, I would reply like that. I could be anywhere. Freaking in the bathroom. Freaking… [mimics ding] “What are you doing?” [laughs] “I’m blowing it up! I love you.” Send. And she’d reply, “Oh, my God, me too. I love you!” It sounds so stupid, but it was working out perfectly until one night I got drunk. [audience oohs] Oh, you want to hear this? all: Yeah! – You want to hear this? all: Yeah! – So check this out. I’m leaving a comedy club in San Jose, California. And I’m walking back to my hotel room, which is one block away. As I’m walking, I pass in front of this bar on the corner called Cinebar. It’s got all kinds of cinema and movie memorabilia in there. Looks cool; I’m walking in front, and there are people in that bar that just left my show. So I walk in front, and I heard, “Fluffy! Hey, let me buy you a shot!” I was like, “Well, you know, I don’t want to be rude.” [laughter] Can’t have that, right? So I walked in. I said, “What’s—you know, I’m on way back to my room. I’ll just do a couple shots, whatever.” So you know, one shot and then somebody, “Me too.” “All right, me too. Vamonos. Let’s do it.” “Me three.” “Me four.” 1 5 shots of tequila later… [audience oohs] [whistling, cheering] It occurs to me, “I think I should go.” I start walking towards the door. I took three steps, the cold air hit me. I got dizzy and I fell. Hard. I know I fell hard, ’cause when I hit the ground I farted. [laughter] [mimics fart] “Oh, my God, I farted!” My buddy Martin ran over, and he helped me up off the ground. “You okay, Gabriel?” [mumbling] We stumbled back to the hotel room, I sit down in the lobby, and I’m just like… [exhaling] “Are you okay, Gabriel?” “I’m okay, man. Where’s my phone? I gotta let my girl know I’m okay.” “You’re holding it.” “Oh, thank you, Martin. I love you. “I love you. You’re a good friend, man. You’re a good friend.” He goes, “What are you doing?” “I’m gonna text.” “Dude, just call her.” “No! “If I call her, she’s gonna know something’s up. “I’m gonna text her. Watch. “Baby, I made it back to the hotel. “I love you. Kissy-face.” Send. [mimics ding] “How did it go?” [laughing] “I farted! “I shouldn’t tell her that, huh, Martin? “Okay. It went good.” [mimics ding] Send. “What did you do after your show?” “Oh, here we go.” My buddy Martin is like, “Gabriel, man, Gabriel, don’t tell her— “don’t tell her you were at a bar getting drunk, man. Don’t tell her.” “Martin, I have to tell her the truth, bro. “We’re cool like that, man. “I can talk to her. “I can—I could tell her anything, man. “She’s not like your old lady, you know. Trippin’ all the time.” “Hey, Martin, take the pictures of the cochina off the internet.” “Whatever.” “Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? Forgive me, bro.” “Gabriel, lie.” “I can’t lie, man.” “Lie!” “I can’t lie!” “Are you that honest?” “No, I just won’t remember the lie. “Why get in trouble two times for the same stupid thing? You know what I’m saying, bro?” So I sent the message. “Baby, I made it… Oh, delete, delete, delete.” [chuckles] “Baby, I went next door “with Martin to Cinebar. “Had a nice time. “Kissy face, kissy face. “Kissy face. Send.” [imitates cell phone chiming] “Lucky you. “Wish I could’ve been there with you. “Tell Martin I said hi. I love you.” [laughing] Oh, my God. Martin, I just told my girlfriend I was at a bar with you, and she didn’t get mad. What the hell is she doing? [laughter, applause] Man, she told me to tell you hi. And she don’t even like you. So I scroll back to read what she read, and apparently, my stupid iPhone has this memory spell check feature, and it didn’t recognize the word, “Cinebar.” It flipped it and turned it into Cinnabon. So apparently, at 1 0:00 at night, my girlfriend thought I was having cinnamon rolls with my friend, Martin, which normally, would sound like an ugly lie, but considering her boyfriend is known as “the fluffy guy” who loves “chocolate cake,” it sounds real. I was like, “Oh, my God. “Martin, check it out! My iPhone lied for me.” [laughter, applause] I love you, iPhone! BlackBerry can’t do that. [cackling] A month later, my girlfriend heard me tell the story, and she’s like, “That’s a funny joke.” I go, “It really happened.” “How come you didn’t tell me?” I said, “The phone didn’t let me.” And her friends are right there. “See, he’s out there getting wasted, sending you messed-up texts.” “Whatever. Shut up, haters.” Yeah, a lot of things are going on. Um, in the house here tonight, you guys, I’m very happy she was able to make it. A lot has been going on. My mom once again here at my special… is in here. [audience cheering] Where you at, Ma? I know you’re out here. Oh, there she is. [audience cheering] Andale. She almost didn’t make it here tonight, you guys, almost. Uh, a month ago, my mom got admitted to the hospital. She got a little sick. Somebody forgot to take their medication, uh-uh. “I don’t need it pa’que… pa’que neces…ay, ay.” Yeah, uh-uh, remember that? Remember that? Right? Anyway, Mom… Sorry, I have to throw it at her so she makes sure she takes her medicine. Got to give my little shout-outs right now. Right here in the front row, you guys… if anybody saw my last DVD, in the bonus features, this gentleman right here, Freddy Franco— Fred Franco— has attended over 250 of my shows. Over 250 of my shows. In about five or six different states. At first, my girlfriend was like, “Psycho.” But he’s not— he’s cool. We’ve hung out with him. Just a—one of the greatest fans ever, and so I have to give him his props, you know. He, uh, took some time off of work to come out here. So thank you, Freddy. Man. Cabron, you’re die-hard. Please don’t ever turn psycho, please. ‘Cause I have some psychos out there. They’ll show up, and they’ll hang out by the car. “Gabriel.” [laughing nuttily] It’s funny because this is my— this is my third special. In the last special that I did, I did a bunch of references to police officers. And they weren’t exactly flattering references or jokes. You know, I was just kind of like saying, you know, the whole doughnut thing and, um…[laughs] Apparently, they became fans in some weird way, because I started getting phone calls to do police functions. In December, I had five Christmas parties. I got a phone call from my agent. He’s like, “Gabe, check it out. “CHP, California Highway Patrol, wants to hire you to do a show.” I go, “Really? What does it pay?” “They want you to donate your time.” “I think I’m busy.” “They told me to let you know you have a warrant in the city of Fresno, California.” I’m like, “Oh, they’re good.” So I did the show. And I’m gonna tell you guys right now— I’m gonna tell you guys right now, it was one of the scariest shows I ever did. A room full of nothing but cops. Everybody’s drinking a lot. And I’m scared, because if they get ghetto, who do I call? You know, I got to go out in the parking lot and find some gang member. “Hey, back me up!” So the show went good. It went so good that they asked me to do another show in California, in San Diego, for the California Highway Patrol Border Division. And I tried to make up an excuse that my car wasn’t working right. They said, “No worries. We understand.” They sent a patrol car to my house with a freaking uniformed officer. And I was like, “Oh, my God.” Best part was I didn’t tell my family he was coming. Oh, yeah, sometimes you have to create your own entertainment. It was hysterical. 5:00 rolled around. I’m like, “He should be here any minute.” Sure enough… [imitates doorbell ringing] “Frankie! Frankie, can you get the door, please?” “Okay, Gabriel.” So he goes to the door. Comes back, and he’s got, like—you know, he’s like… [whispering] “Gabriel. Gabriel, the police are here.” “Why are you whispering?” ‘”Cause something’s gonna happen.” When he said that, I’m like, “Oh, I got to freaking let him have it now, right?” I said, “Oh, my God, Frankie, they found me.” “What do you mean, Gabriel?” “I got to go, Frankie. I got to go. “Take care of your mom for me, okay? I love you. I love you.” “No!” “I got to go, Frankie.” And I saw the officer— I said, “Pretend you’re arresting me. I want to freak out my kid.” “No problem. Turn around and put your hands behind your back.” “I can’t reach. “Just hold my hand. “Walk me to the car. Just walk me to the car. “Come on, just walk me to the car. “He doesn’t know the difference, dude. “Just walk me to the freaking car. Come on.” I get to the cop car. He throws me in the backseat, right, and slams the door. And I ask him, “Is it okay if I yell out the window to freak out my kid?” “You want to use the microphone?” “Yeah!” Freaking… [imitates microphone feedback] “Here you go, sir.” And he hands me the microphone, and I said, “Frankie, this is the police. “We have your father. “We’re coming back for you in one hour. Do your homework.” [imitates siren warbling] [imitates car driving away] One minute later, my girlfriend calls me. “You’re an ass!” “What’s he doing?” “He’s doing his homework.” “That’s called parenting, baby.” [cheering and applause] [sighs, chuckles] He got even with me, though. He totally got even with me. I walked in the kitchen one morning. He’s sitting there, and he looks at me, and he goes, “Gabriel, I have a question for you. What’s a hooker?” [sternly] “What did you say?” “What’s a hooker?” “Where did you hear that?” “I was watching HBO, and there was a commercial “for a show called Hookers at the Point. “It said, ‘This Saturday at 1 1:30, “check out all the hookers.’ What’s that mean?” “That means we’re going out Saturday.” “What’s a hooker?” “Let it go, dude.” “Tell me.” “You don’t need to know.” “Tell me.” “Frankie, that’s for adults.” “You said I was an adult.” “I said you eat like an adult. “And what you do in the bathroom, “you are grown up— trust me— but you don’t need to know what a hooker is.” He throws a fit in the kitchen. “Hooker! Hooker! Hooker! Hooker!” “What are you doing?” “Hooker!” He won’t stop. I don’t know what to do, so I snapped. “Quit it!” And he stopped. And apparently, his mom heard that. Mm-hmm, and as soon as I yelled, [laughing] Oh…my God, he went from being my son to my girlfriend’s little cub once again. And here she comes from the other side of the house, mama lion, to protect her little, you know… [mimics theme from The Lion King] [roaring] [imitating hoofbeats] I could see her coming. [screams] [roaring] “Why are you yelling at my baby?” Oh, my God. “He wants to know what a hooker is.” [crying] “And that’s why you’re yelling?” Tears, right? “You said, if he had any questions, he could come to you.” “I didn’t know he was going to ask me that.” “You said, ‘Don’t worry, baby. ‘”I’m the man. I’ll take care of it.”‘ “Tell him.” “Are you serious?” “Tell him now.” [sighs] “Frankie, you want to know what a hooker is?” “Yeah.” “Those are your mom’s friends.” [audience laughing] [imitates car speeding away] They don’t like me anyway. At least now, when they come over to the house— “Frankie, who’s at the door?” “Hookers are here.” My buddies are like, “What did he say?” “Happy birthday.” [cackling] Oh, my God. Noticing we got a soldier in the front row, man. How you doing, bro? US Army? [cheering and applause] Thanks for coming, man. What’s your name? I can see…yeah, I can read the last name, Fuentes, but what’s your name? What’s that? Ricardo. Ricardo… you’re in El Paso. “Ricardo, cabron. ” Save Ricardo for over there, okay? Okay? “Ricardo!” I want you to sound like you’re in one of those noveIas. “Who is it?” [suavely] “It’s Ricardo.” “Did you bring a pistola?” [imitates gun cocking] Sorry, man, I’m just giving you a tough time, man. But thank you for coming, man. Thank you for what you do. [cheering and applause] Seriously, bro. I did a tour recently called “Around in the World in Eight Days.” We went to, uh, Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany, Turkey, uh, Greenland, Alaska, and Los Angeles. They had to drop me off. Iraq was crazy, you guys. When you land in Iraq, it’s not like landing here, you know, in El Paso, where the plane comes in… [imitates landing airplane] Over there, people take shots at the planes, so the plane comes in like this. Like that. And then, at the last minute… [imitates whooshing airplane] Caca. The whole plane smelled like chimichangas. It was terrible. [groans] [laughter] That, for me, was one of the scariest shows of my life, man. I’m in Iraq, middle of the night. Outside. No tent. Pitch black, helicopter flying, and there’s a spotlight on me. [laughter] And I’m supposed to be funny. And I can hear… [imitates gunfire] [imitates rapid gunfire] [imitates crying] [laughter] And the crazy part is that I saw a sign that was very familiar. They have Subways in Iraq. I was, like, “Is that? What is that? Is that? “It’s Subway. Oh, my God! Yeah!” I got back to my room. They have the stupid commercial there too, in their language. Oh, my God, I almost lost it. Same one. Freaking… ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel, hallel ♪ ♪ Hallel, hallel… ♪ [ululating] ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel… ♪ [applause and laughter] “Oh, my God, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.” [laughter] It’s crazy, man. You know what was crazy, bro? When I was in Iraq, they wanted me to go to different bases, but they wouldn’t let me go because they have to provide you with a helmet and a bulletproof vest. And apparently, the military does not have a Big and Tall. [laughter] They put that 75-pound vest on me. It looked like a bulletproof bib. Like if somebody shoots my snack, I’m okay, you know? [imitates ricocheting] Oh, it stopped right here. I’m, like, “Oh, my God.” No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No, man. We flew into Korea. That threw me off a little bit too. We go to check into the hotel, and it was kind of scary for me, because the phone had a big sticker on it that said, “Do not discuss classified information. Someone is always listening.” That’s freaky, ’cause I’m calling my girl back home, right? [imitates phone ringing, click] “Hello?” “Hey, baby.” “Oh, my God, where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, I’m so worried.” “Don’t worry, baby. Everything’s cool.” “Oh, my God, I miss you so much. Where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” So I’m trying to give her clues, right? [hums Asian-themed tune] “Germany?” “What?” “I’m kidding.” “Oh, thank God, honey.” “I wish you were home.” “Why?” “If you were home right now, we’d be in the room.” “Really? What else?” “And we’d be laying on the bed.” “Check you out.” All of a sudden, I heard a voice that said… [male voice] “What else would you do?” [laughter] [man clears throat] “I’m sorry. Proceed. Proceed.” [imitates phone thumping on receiver] Blockers over there. But I enjoyed myself, you guys. I had a lot of fun. I made the reference to the police officers, and, you know, sometimes there’s problems everywhere. Cops used to mess with me a lot. That’s why I love getting recognized now. Now, they’re just, like, “Oh, it’s you.” I’m like…[sighs] [laughs] That wasn’t the case six years ago. I did a theater show just like this one in the city of San Antonio. As soon as the show was over, “San Antone, ¿que paso?” As soon as the show was over, you know, I’m hanging out in the lobby, taking pictures and stuff. And then we go outside, and I get stopped in front of the theater in front of my own poster. How sad is that? You know, freakin’… [siren chirps] “What are you doing?” “Uh, standing.” “You have any ID?” [whimpers] [laughter and applause and whooping] “Keep going.” “All right!” Oh! Now, uh-uh. Every chance I get to have fun with them, I will. Last time I got stopped, the cop came to the car all mean. “You know why I stopped you?” I looked at him with a straight face, and I said, ‘”Cause I’m black.” [laughter] “Ha, ha. Hell, yeah, man. What’s up, playa?” He turned the flashlight on, you guys. [laughter] “Get the hell out of here, stupid.” [laughter] “Yay. Yay.” [imitates engine revving] Oh, and by the way, thank you to whoever brought the chocolate cakes in the back. I got them right before the show. Thank you very much. [applause and cheering] Very cool. Mm-hmm, And somebody brought Chico’s Tacos too. I thought that was great. [applause and cheering] Mm-hmm. Now, you guys here know what I’m talking about, but everybody that’s watching at home, they’re, like, “Chico’s Tacos? What the hell’s that?” It’s an El Paso tradition. If you come to El Paso… [cheering, applause and whistling] Just know that that’s, you know, that’s right here. That’s, you know… That’s the tradition in El Paso. I ran into people in other places like Chicago or New York. I’m, like, “Where you from?” “El Paso,” and I said, “Chico’s Tacos,” and they’re like… [gasps] Like, wow. Yeah. That’s hardcore. It is the craziest food I’ve ever tried, you guys. Craziest ever. Reason is, you know, they give you these little taquitos, and there’s, like, a sauce, and you pour it. And, like, the taquitos float, and it absorbs and… I never thought I’d see the day where I could drink a taco. [laughter] Mm. Yeah. And you got to have that at the end of the night. Don’t try to freakin’ plan out events after going, you know. Don’t say, “Oh, we’re going to eat at Chico’s and then go to the movies.” No, don’t do that. Don’t do that. You’ll be sitting there, like, you know, “Hey, this is a good movie, huh? This is the one where Nicolas Cage comes out and…” [loud stomach grumbling] “Anyway, he plays the bad guy in this movie, and it turns out really good.” [stomach grumbling] Then all of a sudden… [puffing] [laughter] [rumbling] [high-pitched screech] [laughter and applause] [high-pitched screech] You’re running by people. [rumbling] They’re, like… [sniffing] “Chico’s.” [laughter and applause] Mm-hmm. An El Paso tradition. [applause, cheering and whistling] You know what’s funny? Is that a year from now, they’ll be people watching this all over the world. Just, like, the first DVDs in Canada, Australia and Europe. This DVD will wind up somewhere in Australia. And they’ll be people in Australia going, “What the hell’s Chico’s?” [laughter] “Crikey, we got to go. We got to see Chico’s.” You watch, man. There’ll be people freaking out. [British accent] “I say, we must go try Chico’s.” [laughter] “It sounds splendid.” “Yes, it does.” “Drink a taco. “I never thought I’d see the day. “I’m going to try it. El Paso it is.” Oh, man. But, no. I got Chico’s Tacos and cakes. [cheering] You know? One night at one show, I received 1 1 chocolate cakes. And it was local, so I took ’em home. And that is an argument that nobody in this building has ever had at 3:00 in the morning. ‘Cause you don’t just walk into the house with 1 1 cakes. You make some noise. You know. [imitates doors slamming open and footsteps] And I walk in with the last two cakes, and my girlfriend’s in the kitchen. And she’s, like, “What the hell is this?!” I’m trying to be cute. “It’s a bakery.” [laughter and applause] “Where did you get all this cake?” I said, “Baby, the people at the show brought it.” “Are you gonna eat all of it?” “Eventually. I’m not gonna do it in one hit, you know?” Freaking two hours later. “Clear!” [laughter] “How do you know someone isn’t trying to poison you?” “With cake? Are you serious?” It’s, like, you live by the cake, you die by the cake, you know? No. Uh-uh. So we’re going back and forth, right? We wake up Frankie, and Frankie walks into the kitchen at 3:00 in the morning, and he’s, all… [mumbling] “Where did all the cake come from?” “The people at the show brought it.” “Tell ’em I said thank you.” “I’ll tell ’em you said thank you, Frankie.” “Gabriel, how come they bring you cake?” ‘”Cause ten years ago, I did a joke where I said, ‘”I love chocolate cake.’ Now people bring me cake.” “You should say you love Transformers.” [laughter] I’ll start doing it, all right? So my girl’s, like, “Baby, put Frankie to bed.” I go, “Frankie, you got to go back to sleep.” [grunting] “Want some cake?” “Yeah.” So I grab one of these tiny cakes that somebody brought me. One of those little tiny ones that has the plastic cover and the sticker on the side. And I handed to him. I go, “Here.” He goes, “A little piece?” I go, “Dude, it’s a small cake. You can have the whole thing.” And the look that came over his face at 3:00 in the morning was like he got a gift from God. [laughter] I said, “Here,” and he was, like…. [humming reverential religious tune] [applause, cheering and laughter] [whistling and applause] “Take it to your room.” [singing in Latin] [laughter and applause] I went to go take him to school the next morning. He’s in the bathroom crying. [imitates sobbing] “Hey, are you okay?” “Oh, my stomach!” “Your stomach? Too much cake?” “Yeah.” “Was it good?” “Hell, yeah.” “I’ll see you in the car.” 20 minutes later, he comes to the car, and he’s all sweaty. [breathing heavily] “You all right? What happened?” “I blew it up.” “Get in the car.” [imitates engine revving] I get him to school 45 minutes late. Usually, when I drop him off, you guys, I leave him on the side of the school, and they have, like, a drop-off zone with cones and a supervisor to make sure that your kid gets off safely. When you’re 45 minutes late, there’s nobody there, so I left him in front of the school. And apparently, that’s a no-no. You’re not supposed to do that. I didn’t know, you know? [engine purring, tires squeal] “Go for it.” “I’m not supposed to…” “I know, dude. Just go. You’re late. Go.” [grunting] [door closes, squeaking] Out of nowhere, here comes the principal. And I know it’s the principal, ’cause he’s, like, “It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal!” “Dude, relax. I’m 30. I don’t give a damn.” Here comes the principal. “Sir? Sir, this is not the designated drop-off area. “Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here.” I was, like… [whispering] “Watch this.” Senora… [speaking Spanish] [laughter] [applause, cheering and laughter] “That’s how you do it, homeboy. That’s how you do it.” That principal was amazing, ’cause she was, like, “Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. “Saca la huelta a la otro lado de Ia escueIa. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. Yo no soy pendeja.” [applause, cheering and laughter] Did that really happen? Yes. Mm-hmm. I felt so bad ’cause when I picked up Frankie, he’s like, “The principal yelled at me.” I’m like, “I’m sorry.” “I’m gonna tell my mom.” “No. It’s all right, dude.” We’re having a good time right now with his mom. And it sucks, you guys, ’cause we got into a fight that weekend. Eh… it was not too big, but it was, like, it was— it could have been prevented. My girlfriend’s backing the car up out of the driveway, and somebody had left, like, this— I guess they were moving, and they left this big box behind the car, and my girlfriend’s backing up, and I go, “Baby, baby, there’s a box.” “I got it.” [crashing sound] [laughter] Even Frankie was like, “Mom, he told you there was a box right there.” “Shut up!” So we get inside the house, and I looked at her and I said, “What the hell is your problem?” And sure enough, Frankie walks up. [whimpering “You guys are going to fight.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot— no, no, no, I’m sorry, Frankie. We’re not fighting.” “You’re yelling at my mom.” “No, no, no, no, no, I love your mom. She just didn’t hear me.” “You’re not mad at her?” “No, I’m not mad at your mom. “Baby, I love you, I love you. See, I love your mom— I love you.” [kissing] “I love your mom; everything’s cool. “You want to go play some video games or something? Come on, I’ll go play with you.” “Okay.” “Okay, come on. I’m not mad at your mom, dude, come on, let’s go. Say bye to your mom.” “Bye, Mom.” “Come on, let’s go, come on, we’re cool. I’m not mad at her; come on, let’s go.” [mouthing] “Come on, let’s go.” See, some of you are laughing, some are like, “Did— can he really say that?” [laughing] I snuck it in there, huh? [sighs] No, no fighting. But I had to make up the fact that I yelled at Frankie. I go, “Frankie, whatever you want to do, let’s do it.” “Gabriel, can we go to an arcade?” “Arcade? Dude, you have a Nintendo Wii at your house.” And then I had a flashback to 20 years ago. [in shrill voice] “¿Que, que? Arcade? “Cabron, tu tienes un Nintendo en la casa. You have a Nintendo at home.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m turning into my mom. Come on, dude, let’s go.” [imitates engine] I take him to this big old freaking arcade, right? And I felt so out of it because I didn’t know you couldn’t put money in the machines anymore. I’m— Man, I remember quarters. I’m thinking, “Here, five bucks,” and he’s, like, looking at me like, “Hmm?” “What? Go play,” and he’s like— he came right back. “All done.” I’m like, “Dude.” I didn’t know this. You have to go to another machine, put in money, and then it gives you a card, and then you swipe that card to play video games. And the game he wants to play doesn’t cost a quarter. It costs three dollars. A game. Big old machine called Dance Dance Revolution. [light cheering] Some of you know this game? Yeah, maybe, sort of. For those of you that don’t know the game, it’s pretty simple. It’s a dancing game, and there’s a big screen and then arrows come out to music, and whatever arrow comes out, that’s the arrow you have to step on when it comes out. Kind of cool, but all the music is techno and it’s loud. I know I’m getting older ’cause I’m like, “They got to turn that down.” [as male announcer] “Dance Dance Revolution Revolution. Get ready.” And the kids are like, “I’m ready.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] [light cheering] And that’s what they dance to. “Ready, go!” [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” And the kid’s like, “Whoo!” And I’m like… [panting] I love this game, but they need to have something that’s more fluffy-friendly, so that fluffy people and parents can hang and enjoy. We’re watching this game for over an hour. I told Frankie, “Let’s go play another game and then we’ll come back when the line goes down.” “The line never goes down.” Great. So I’m watching kid after kid after kid. You know, like, “Serious? How much is it?” “It’s three dollars a dance.” “Three dollars a dance?” And then I thought about it. Well, I paid $20 two nights ago, so… I guess three dollars isn’t that bad. [laughs] Now that I think about it. Some of you are clapping, some are like, “I don’t get it.” Yeah, whatever, anyway. So kid after kid. Then I found something out. You can always spot that one kid who you just know is going to grow up to be a little bit more… creative… than others by the way he plays the game. And all the other little kids— they know something’s up. They’re like, “You got to watch. “When Benji plays, you got to watch. Watch.” Sure enough, here comes Benji, right? “Dance Dance Revolution. Get ready.” [in effeminate voice] “I’m so ready.” I’m like, “Whoa… oh, it’s on.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] “Ready, go!” This dude took off. [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” “I know.” I’m like, “Wow.” Frankie’s like, “I’m next.” I go, “You can’t follow that. “You better come over here and play some Street Fighter, man. “Let me show you how to throw a fireball. Get your butt over here.” Oh, my God. I had to make it up to him another way. I had to take him… to Disneyland. I stopped going to Disneyland a long time ago. Because you know what? Those roller coasters are not fluffy-friendly. Disney cares. That’s why there’s safety there. You know, they have all those different harnesses. And if you’re over 300 pounds, just stay in the parking lot. You know, ’cause they got the whole, you know… [clicking] You’re fluffy, forget it. That’s why I love a ghetto-ass carnival. You know, those ones they build in, like, six hours? I can still ride those roller coasters. It’s only one bar, three clicks, that’s it. If it locks, good. If it doesn’t, “Hold on!” [hissing, clicking] Plus, fluffy people never fall. We never fall. You know who falls? The skinny guy that got stuck next to us. [laughter] That’s who… [screams] More room. [laughs] But me and Disney, no. No mas. But I had to because I messed up. I fell asleep on the couch, and I woke up all, you know… [groaning] …and Frankie was watching TV. He goes, “Look, Gabriel, look, Disneyland.” And I was like, “Dude, what’s the big deal, okay? “It’s Disneyland. What, you’ve never gone?” all: Aw… – “My dad never took me.” Oh, mother… Next morning… [whirring] [brakes screeching] [hissing] “Welcome to the magical world of Disney.” We walk in the park; he’s all happy. [laughs] We get into the middle of the park, and he’s so funny. He starts getting winded. I thought it was hysterical because up until then, I only saw myself get like that, you know. [panting] So to see a little ten-year-old version… [high-pitched panting] [shrieks] [laughing] Hysterical. I was dying. I go, “Frankie, you want to take a break?” “Mm-hmm, Gabriel, this park is big.” I’m like, “See? “It’s not a small world after all. Like, whatever, dude, sit down.” So we’re sitting down, waiting. All of a sudden, I start getting recognized at Disneyland, and that, for me, was cool. You know, people were walking by. [indistinct whispering] “Fluffy, can we take a picture?” “Sure.” [whooshing] And then… more people. “It’s him.” “It’s that guy.” “Pikachu.” Now I have, like, ten people around me like I’m a new character at the park. Best part is Frankie starts getting annoyed. He’s like… [groaning] “Why don’t they leave you alone?” “Frankie, these are the people that come to the shows. They’re the reason why you have a PlayStation.” [exhaling] [as Frankie] “Thank you.” “Here, now, start taking the pictures.” [laughs] So I told Frankie, “Frankie, what ride are you going to get on?” “Ride?” “Yeah. What ride do you want to get on?” “I don’t want to get on a ride.” “What the hell are we doing at Disneyland?” “The commercial said that Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth.” “Oh, my God. “That’s IHOP. The hell are we doing here?” We’re hanging out at IHOP, and, you know, we started talking, and it was kind of like a little bonding moment because Frankie— his dad isn’t in the picture and my dad wasn’t in the picture, so for some reason, you know, we got a little connection going on and it’s pretty cool. Frankie told me something, and it got me right here. He goes— you know, I’m talking to him. I said, “Frankie,” I says, “do you ever want to, you know, talk or see your real dad?” And he goes, “You are my real dad.” I was like, “Oh…” And then he followed it up with this— “I want my last name to be Iglesias.” [grunting] And then his mom walked in. “Me too.” They work together, they work together. I knew it. It’s a tag team. [murmuring] Whatever. Eh, another time, I took ’em to IHOP, you guys— too funny. We walk in there, we got my buddy Noah. We went to go eat, tore it up, walked out into the parking lot, and discovered that my car had been stolen. [audience groaning] Yeah, uh-huh. I was full too. I’m like… [groans] “We got to walk.” My buddy Noah— he’s trying to be helpful. He’s like, “Gabriel, don’t you have OnStar?” I’m like, “Yeah, but it’s in the car, stupid.” “Well, can’t you call the 800 number? Maybe they can track your car.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot, Noah, you’re a genius.” So I pull out my cell phone and my freaking, you know, OnStar card, and I call ’em up. [phone rings] [in mechanical female voice] “OnStar. “For OnStar service, press one. “Para servicio en espanol, oprima el numero dos. To report a lost or stolen vehicle, press three.” [beeps] “One moment.” [imitating Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” trumpet solo ] [line rings] “Thank you for choosing OnStar. “This is Kim speaking. How can I help you?” “Kim, they just stole my car from IHOP.” “I’m very sorry, sir. Can I get your OnStar number?” “Actually, Kim, I can’t read the card. “It’s kind of chewed up. “Uh, can I give you, like, a credit card or Social Security or something?” “Sir, just give me your name.” “Okay, my name is Gabriel Iglesias.” “Oka—” “Hello? “Kim? Kim?” “Do you spell that with an “I”?” [cheering, applause] [mimics thud] [mimics ringing] [in female voice] OnStar. For OnStar service press one. Para servicio en Espanol oprima el numero dos. Un momento. Por favor. [laughter] [applause, cheering, whistling] [imitates trumpet playing “Mexican Hat Dance”] [trumpeting continues] [mimics ringing] “I speak Spanish too, motherfucker!” [laughter, applause] I love you, El Paso. Muchas gracias. Thank you so much. [“Mi Gente” by Kumbia Kings playing] Thank you. [cheering, applause] ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Si yo, trabajo de sol a sol ♪ ♪ Si ser honesto es mi religion ♪ ♪ Yo no necesito que me digan ♪ ♪ Que es lo que puedo hacer, no no que no ♪ ♪ Si yo vine de lejos a esta tierra ♪ ♪ Fue por que havia escuchado Ia promesa ♪ ♪ Que aqui yo encontraria la manera ♪ ♪ Para poder vivir mejor ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪ ♪ Callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪ ♪ Callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Yo quiero que entiendan que en mi tambien corre el sudor ♪ ♪ Que yo quiero a mi tierra ♪ ♪ Que ami tambien me dueIe lo mismo que austed… ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Gabriel Iglesias: Hot And Fluffy (2007) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-hot-and-fluffy-2007-full-transcript/

[Latino-style music] [audience cheering] (male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen! From Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you! Thank you! Wow! [high-pitched screech] [laughs] Oooh! Oh, yeah, I have no pressure. [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can’t thank you guys enough for making this a completely sold-out house here– at the Fox Theater. [loud cheering] Yeah, well, a lot of people around say, Where are you gonna do your special? When you get to do your special, where you gonna do it? And a couple people say, Well, are you gonna do it in New York, in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A., New York wasn’t where I got my start, in 1997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage. [cheering and whistling] And I know some of you are looking at the background going, [high-pitched female] Okay, then if he’s showing Bakersfield love, how come he has a picture of Hawaii? [laughter] And just so you know, that’s not a picture of Hawaii, that’s a picture of the The Bluffs here in Bakersfield. [wild cheering and whistling] Woo! I love you guys, man. I have– I have way too many good memories here, man, some of them are kind of blurred because I was [birdlike noise]. You can’t hang out seriously here. You gotta be careful ’cause the Police here in Bakersfield, they don’t mess around. They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside, [siren] (male voice over bullhorn) What are you doing? Walking. But I noticed something though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you. But you gotta really make ’em laugh. You can’t just make ’em go, Ahh. You gotta make ’em, you know, [screech chuckle] I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself. I know this ’cause he told me. He was, like, [Southern accent] You don’t understand. I damn near pissed myself. [laughter] And here in Bakersfield, man, it’s no different, man. I love every part of this town. I even love Oildale. Oh, yeah. And for everybody watching at home, going, What the hell is Oildale? [chuckles] [imitates banjo] Yeehaw! But I still love it, guys, I still love it. But yeah, man, drinking here in town, you gotta be careful ’cause some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t. And you have no clue. Guys especially. You know how it goes. We get loaded, we turn into one of three people. We’re either the I love you guy, I hate you guy, or the “mere” guy. You know that guy, right? Shh, hey! Mere. I know ’cause that’s me. Oh my God, I can’t handle alcohol. People, when they get drunk they say things they don’t mean. You know when I’m drunk you hear something like Woo! I’m going running. [laughter] You better cut me off. Aw, hell, yeah man. And when I drink, I only drink like regular alcohol. I don’t do beer. Beer just doesn’t–no. Beer makes me talk to my body. I don’t like that. When I get drunk on beer, I get weird. I’m, like– [breathes into mike] [low growl] What’s the matter? [laughter] [low growl] Hey! You said you could hang. [low growl] Don’t talk to me there! [brrr] You talkin’ shit too? [audience woos and cheers] That’s what I say. You just gotta be careful, you know. And if you’re gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don’t do it. It’s not a good idea ’cause like I say, You know when you’re drunk. You’re doing laps in the parking lot and you can’t find the exit. Hello? Some of you make it out to the streets, you know when you’re drunk, you’re like, [rrr rrr] Behind you you hear– [truck horn] [drunken slur] Shut up, stupid! If you hear the magical sound [siren] one of two things will pop into your head. Either, one: [drunken slur] I’m okay, I’m fine. I can beat this. Or, two: [siren] [drunken slur] I’m gonna go to jail. [laughter] I’m gonna go to jail! I’m gonna go to jail! I gotta let you go, babe. I gonna go to jail. Tell the kids I love them. Bye. [rrr] I’m gonna tell you right now, again, if you can make the Police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the– [rrr and screech]. Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail, okay, you’re already–I’m gone. Have a little fun. [laughter] I don’t mean take off on a high speed pursuit. No, no, no, don’t do that. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get very far. I mean, if you’re drunk and you know you’re gonna go to jail, and you have tinted windows– have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop. [laughter] You have no idea how bad you’re gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He’s gonna come over to the driver’s side with a flashlight– And you’re sitting there… [laughter] [drunken slur] He was here a second ago. I don’t know where he went. [laughter] Excuse me? What?? Me drive? Aw, hell no, I’m fucked up. [loud laughter] [cheering and whistling] That’s sad because I know some of you are gonna try it. [laughter] [childish voice] Let’s do what the fat guy said! Do it! And for the record, I’m not fat. I’m Fluffy. [wild cheering] For those of you who still don’t know, there are five levels of fatness. Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and [shouts] Damn! I’m still number four. People go, How do you know when you’re number five? Well, ’cause people will tell you. If you try to get on an elevator that’s crowded and people stop you and go, Uh-uh. Damn! If you go to Disneyland and little kids want to ride–you! [laughter] [childish voice] I wanna get on that one. [deep growl] [child’s voice] Damn. Hey, I’m sorry, little kids are too honest, man. They’re like little alcoholics. I love Disneyland but they’re not fluffy-friendly. They’re not, man. They care about safety, you know, and that sucks, ’cause I could handle one bar. One bar, I’m cool. But now they got the whole–[clacking] If you’re fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock. You’re trying– People are in line, You can do it! One time I took a trip with my buddy Mondo. A big guy, another big guy. And I went with him because his family, they decided to go and he didn’t want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers. [laughter] So we’re hanging out at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes, Dude, we should get on a ride! I go, Which one? We can’t get on none of them, dude, we’re too big. He goes, there’s a ride here at Disneyland that’s called Splash Mountain. I go, What is that? He goes, It’s a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill, it goes down, and makes a splash. No seatbelt, no pull-bar. You just get in and go. I go, No seatbelt? No pull-bar? [high-pitched laugh] [laughter] So we get in line for our ride, we’re all pumped up, and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards. I go, What are those? He goes, oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill. Oh, okay, cool. So we get to the front of the line, and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset, the lady who takes her job way too serious. [high-pitched female] Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here. How many, five? Okay, three there, two there. We get to the front, How many peo–? [laughter] Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off. [beeping] [hissing] [chugging] [splashing] We’re splishing and splashing like little kids– [high-pitched laughter] Three minutes go by, the moment of truth, we get to the hill. [splash] [chugging] [chugging stops] [hissing] [laughter] My buddy Mondo turns around, he says, Dude, let’s flash the camera. [loud laughter] I said, You’re stupid. I’m down. [loud laughter] So as soon as they let us go, right? [hissing] [long howl] [loud laughter] [howl] [splash] We get off the ride, we are soaking wet, [screeching laughter] [squish, squish] We’re all rosado right here. We got a mean old baby rash. [squish squish] We go to buy the picture, and there’s a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen. [chuckles] And I ask my buddy Mondo, I said, Bro, what boat are we? He says, 22. I go, She’s covering 22! He goes, Oh, we better sneak out of here. Ho, yeah, we’re gonna sneak out. [squish squish] We get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by Disney Security. And you have not lived until you been stopped by a freaking man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse. This guy was like, [Southern male accent] Hold on! Hold on a second! Ma’am, move away your hand from the screen. You guys see what I see here? That’s a disgrace to this park! We can’t believe anyone could take such a photo. My question to you guys– Do you recognize the two big women in this picture? [laughter] And it wasn’t until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves. And that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45-degree angle, with no shirts on, going like this, [laughter] we both look like sexy bitches. [laughter] But again, if you’re gonna drink, just be careful, you guys. Some of you can handle, and some can’t– I got kicked out of a bar on Saint Patrick’s Day. I was performing at the bar. How do I get thrown out, right? I’m having fun, people are giving me free drinks. [high-pitched female] Here, have another drink. I’m, like, woo! I started pissing off the management and the owners of this Irish place that I was at. The bartender’s like, Hey, buddy, relax! Are you okay? Are you having a good time? I was so drunk I did this: [imitates Irish accent] I’m having a great time. People around me, Oh my God, are you Irish? I was, like, [imitates Irish accent] Aye! They’re, like, What part of Ireland are you from? Uh, downtown. Are you here by yourself? Oh, no, I’m not here by myself. Donkey! [laughter] Now if you’re not laughing, you need to get out more often because that’s a funny joke. That’s hysterical. Ask a 10-year old, they’ll tell you, [childish voice] That’s funny! I did that joke one night at Memphis, Tennessee. And some guy thought he knew why it was funny. And he was way off but he confronted me outside, all drunk, [Southern accent] Hey, you! Fluffy! I’m, like, What? ‘Mere. No, you ‘mere. And he walks over and he says, I have to tell you your show was hysterical. I done near wet myself when you said ‘Donkey!’ My friend Rod didn’t laugh so I had to explain it to him and he thinks I’m wrong but I know I’m right. Could yah set the record straight? Sure, what’d you tell your friend? Okay, look here, I told him the reason why it was funnier than hell when you said ‘Donkey!’– it’s ’cause you’re Mexican. [laughter] And you people ride Donkeys! [laughter] Normally, I woulda been all over this guy but two things, one, I was in Memphis, Tennessee, no support. [laughter] And, two, the guy was drunk. I just don’t deal with drunk people, man, uh-uh. When it comes to drinking and women, ladies, when you go out, make sure you take one guy with you. You need to take one guy, even if he’s– [high-pitched] Oh, my God! You need one. [laughter] ‘Cause a group of you get together, there’s always one who will elect herself the team captain, right? Try to rally the troops? Get everybody together– [high-pitched] Okay, look, [laughs] check it out, this is a–shut up! [laughs] Okay, look, this is what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna take my car, so leave your car, my car, leave your car, ready, ready, let’s go. They get in the car– [motor noises]. They get to the club– [motor noises]. [clicking heels] [high-pitched] Oh no, my purse! [clicking] They go inside the club, they start jamming, having fun, [club music beat] (male voice) Oo-lah! [club music beat] End of the night, that same girl who’s been the leader, the captain, she gets more hammered than everybody. She’s the biggest hypocrite walking, now missing a shoe, purse, keys, friends, car. Look, some of you are pointing, “That’s you, bitch!” [laughter] End of the night, she’s stumbling out of the club, [high-pitched laughter] I gotta pee. Not anymore. [laughter] She’s on the curb crying, mascara’s coming down her face, [high-pitched] I’m so wasted. Who the hell is gonna want me now? That’s when I come out. [shriek] Wassup? [laughter] I keep coming back to alcohol. I keep having these issues with it. Like, I got loaded one night, and I don’t know what happened, I accidentally wound up at this, um, “dance place”— gentlemen clubby place, right? I wasn’t driving, it was an accident. We pulled up to the place and– [motor noises]. [surprised] Ahhh! I knew where I was at. Even when you’re drunk, you could be drunk and blind, you know where you’re at, as long as you hear– [rapid music beat] [female screech] [laughter] I walked in there and I got recognized by one of the dancers. You gotta call them dancers or entertainers or they get mad at you. They’ll get mad. [high-pitched] I am not a stripper. Okay? I am an–entertainer. I’m like, Nooo, I’m an entertainer. You’re a nasty. Some girl recognizes you, [high-pitched] Oh my God! I know who you are! You’re famous! And I’m like, Oh, no. Oh, no. And some other dancer who’s spinning on a pole overheard “famous” and she stops. Just ee! [laughter] She walks over, Oh my God, you’re famous? Can I have your autograph? [drunken slur] You don’t even know me. I don’t care. Sign it! Okay, relax. What’s your name? Diamond. What’s your last name? Rodriguez. [laughter] To Diamond. With all my love and affection– Hurry up! I got mad so I wrote– George Lopez. [laughter] I was drunk. I didn’t care. I’m all loaded. She freaked out, she’s like– Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You’re George Lopez! I can’t help it, you guys, I was so drunk I did this, I said: [imitates George Lopez] I know, ha. [laughter] Ey! Ey, cabrona! Why you crying? Why you crying? [speaks Spanish] Esta loca. I won’t lie to you guys, George knows I do that. I don’t think he likes it. [laughter] I’ve done that to a couple of other people, you know, I did that to Paul Rodriguez, and Paul was cool. Paul was really cool about it. He was, like, you know, [imitates Paul] Hey, I heard there’s a guy out there who knows how to talk like me. ls that you? I said, [imitates Paul] Yeah, that’s me. [laughter] [imitates Paul] That’s purty good! I said, [imitates George] I know, ha. [laughter] Hey, can you do Mencia? [imitates Mencia] Da-da-daa! [imitates Mencia] Da’s how you do it! Now, Carlos knows I do that, and he gets mad at me ’cause he goes [imitates Carlos] You gotta do it–better! No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man, I won’t lie. If I don’t have my way, like, when I go to drive-thrus, and they screw up my order, [gasp] oh, I’m evil. I go back around and I start ordering but I throw them off by doing this. They’ll come on the speaker: (impersonal voice) Welcome to Fantastic Burger, how can I help you? I’ll do this: [high-pitched girl] Hello, sir? [laughs] Hi! Can I please have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries and a shake? [laughs] Double cheeseburger, order of fries and a shake. [girl] Oh, my God! Yes! Thank you, pull up to the window. Then I pull up. Oh, they’re not expecting–me. [laughter] [rrr, brakes screech] Oh, the look on their face is the best, right? (guy’s voice) Did you just order? They come back with a bag of food, Um, would you like ketchup? That’s where I let ’em have it. [high-pitched] Oh, my God, yes! [laughs] Hell, yeah, man. Oh, by the way, before I forget, I know I have a habit on my shows of sometimes throwing a little Spanish in there. If you don’t understand Spanish, I do apologize, okay? I promise I will be translating. I don’t want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or issues, you know. [male Southern accent] What the hell is going on in there! What kind of show is this? Now somebody better hit the SAP button on that son of a bitch real quick! I didn’t pay good money to hear some Samoan speak Spanish. I’m not Samoan, I’m–Fluffy. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Samoan, you know. And I’ve had this happen a couple times where people go, Are you Hawaiian? Why, no. It’s not just the shirt. I thought it was just the shirt but no, how can it just be a shirt? Just because you wear a freakin’ sombrero, that doesn’t make you Mexican. I see white people wearing a sarape, walking a donkey with a sombrero, you don’t look at ’em and go, Hola, amigo. No, you’re like, Hey, Ted. Hi. You know, and he’s walking around Hola. Come on. Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey! Come on. I don’t get it, man. But it’s funny though. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Hawaiian until I actually went to Hawaii, I found out that Hawaiian people actually look like swollen Mexicans. [laughter] They do! I got off the plane, I looked around, I was, like, [high-pitched] Oh, my God! My family! Even they were, like, Aloha brother, [unintelligible]. Orale! I loved Hawaii. Hawaii was great, man. They have a lot of different cultures there. They have a lot of Asian people. A lot. A lot of Koreans. I know this because I got a couple of shirts tailored at some places, and every time I go in, there’s always a Korean lady. An older Korean lady. Who was mean. l’d walk in and this one lady always had a comment to make. I’m there for a week and every day she had a different comment. I walk in one day and, I couldn’t say anything either ’cause she was 75 years old. I can’t say nothing back. But there I am, walking in. [ding-dong] The lady behind the counter, [imitates female Asian accent] Ohhh! Oh, looka who’s here. [laughter] Looka who’s here. Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka hard today. [laughter] [unintelligible] Whatever. [chuckles] Don’t make fun of me. But I can handle it, you know. I can handle it. People say, Gabriel, you go up there and you make fun of yourself. No, I don’t. I come up here and I tell you the things that I heard people say. There’s a difference. Sometimes I set myself up for jokes and I don’t realize it. Three years ago, I bought a Beetle. Not even thinking. [light laughter] That’s not the joke, shut up. [loud laughter] See, I can’t even tell you guys a story. [high-pitched laughter] Hmm. I wasn’t thinking, I bought the car ’cause it was affordable, economical, brand new freakin’ Beetle for, like, 1 7 grand. I was, like, [high-pitched screech] first new car. I go to show it off at my friend Martin’s house. I thought it was nice, I pull up, you know, [rrr, screech] Martiiin! He lives in the Hood, I don’t get out of the car. Across the street there are these gang members, they don’t really get into shooting people and stuff like that, they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I’m there in the Beetle and across the street I hear this, I’m, like, Martiiin! And over here, I hear– Orale. [laughter] Hey, what’s up, guys? How’s it going? (more distant voice) How’d you get in there ese. [laughter] Hurry up, Martin! [laughter] Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I’ve had some time to work on the car, I put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster. I thought I was bad, right? I pull up, [rrr, tires screech] [rrr, rrr] Martiiin! Orale! [laughter] Uh-uh, I’m not turning around. Hey. Uh-uh. Hey. I don’t see you. Yoo-hoo! [grrr] Hey! [grrr] What!! Check it out, hey, it’s the fat and the furious. [laughter] I didn’t even wait, man. [rrrrrr] I got rid of that car, man. I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV. It was nice for a while. This car freakin’ sucked on mileage. I got 11 miles to the gallon. Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos, you can’t. [laughter] You can’t be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars, What? What, what, what? [rrrrrrrrr] Twenty bucks right there. Hell, no. But it was kind of cool. It had a GPS navigational system in it. An OnStar which is really cool. I’m driving, and all of a sudden this girl’s talking to me, [ping] (pleasant female voice) Right turn, up ahead. Whoa. [ping] At three quarter tenth of a mile, left turn. And I’m, like, Whatever you say, baby. Being a big guy, I’ve noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows. I get people that’ll pull me aside and go, Gabriel, you’re a very funny guy, you’re very talented, don’t you think, perhaps, you’re living a little excess in life? And I’m like, Well, I love to eat. Well, don’t you want to live to be a hundred? Well, not if I can’t eat tacos. Or as many as I want. A lot of people think that just because you work out and lift weights, and you eat right and you do what people tell you to do, that you’ll live a long life. Maybe you will, but, you know, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were? I’ll measure by freakin’– you know what I mean? [cheering, whistling] What good is it to live to be a hundred but you didn’t do anything? You didn’t go out and kick it with friends, go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley at one time? You know? What good is it? You stayed in the house and you were safe. And I lived to be a hundred. You know, I don’t know. That’s why, I, um, I have a very big amount of respect for the crocodile hunter, rest in peace, but, come on, you guys, yeah, he died at 44 years old, but, he died doing what he loves to do. Not a lot of people can say that. If I die tomorrow from overeating, hoo-hoo, God bless me, that’s exactly how it was supposed to be. [cheering] You know how much adrenaline he had? Every single day, risking his life, you know how you feel when you’re about to cross the street and a car– [rrrrrr] and your ass almost gets hit, and you’re like– [screech] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! and then you’re hysterical. [high-pitched laughter] Oh, my God! I almost died. [laughs] Touch me. Touch me right here. Oh, my– And the rest of the day, you appreciate life, looking at the birds or the sky, [sings] You’re loving life. He did that every day. That’s why every day I try to live just a little bit of my life like I might not be here tomorrow. ‘Cause you never know. I don’t wanna die tomorrow knowing I coulda had a piece of cake tonight. Sure. That’s why people tell me Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you lift weights? What if I’m gonna die tomorrow? I don’t want to die sore. I wanna die full. When the coroner cuts me up, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. [laughter] And he’s gonna go, This guy knew how to live, right here, man. Good times. But again, the crocodile hunter, I give him a lot of love, a lot of credit but people go, [high-pitched] It’s such a loss to the nature community, you know, he taught us so much about nature. And I got mad when I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature and it was, like, No, he didn’t really teach a lot about nature, if you want to learn about nature, you watch Discovery channel or one of these nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he’s studying from afar. Crocodile hunter, no. Come on, every episode, [imitates Steve Irwin] Hey, how you doin’? Look over there, right there. It’s a “toiger.” That toiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds. I’m gonna touch it. [laughter] Hi, tiger. [grrr] Ow, he’s angry! He’s angry. Next episode, There’s a king cobra, the most venomous snake in all the planet. One “boite” and I’m dead. I’m gonna pick it up. [laughter] [hissing] He’s angry! If he really wanted people to think he was out there, man, America, we should’ve borrowed him, and sent him to Iraq. With no gun, just a camera crew. Do you imagine how bad that woulda freaked out the enemy? You’re a freakin’ soldier working for Al-Qaeda and you’re out there, you know, [imitates Iraq accent, unintelligible] And he’s walking toward him wearing shorts, [laughter] [imitates Iraqi accent, unintelligible] Crikey! [Iraqi accent] What is crikey? What the hell is crikey? And he’s walking up to him, Hey! Look over there, It’s an Al-Qaeda member. An Iraqi soldier, one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet. One push of a button and I’m gone! I’m gonna poke him with a stick. [scream] He’s angry! [laughter] I think he’s still angry. Yeah, man, this country, I love living here in the United States. I can’t think of anywhere else l’d want to live. Some people say, Well, you’re Mexican. Wouldn’t you rather live in Mexico? [whistles, shouts] Uh–[laughs]. I love Mexico, just visiting, just visiting. I like it right here. That’s why it kind of bothers me whenever people go, (female voice) What is it like being a Latino comedian? I go, I don’t know, I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. (female voice) What’s the difference? The difference is my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. [cheering] It’s hard, you guys, you know. Lo español. You speak a little Spanish, it freaks people out. (female) Oh my God, he’s speaking Spanish. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching Spanish programming myself. Some of the stuff is really cool. My favorite thing are the commercials because they’re always about sex. You don’t even know what the product is until like the last two seconds. It’s always some model walking out all sexy, [rhythmic music beat] [sexy female voice] Hola. [rhythmic music beat] [sucks in air] Ay, què rico. [laughter] And on the 28th second, [shout and short gasp] Pepsi. And you’re sitting there, going, I gotta go get a Pepsi. Oh ho yeah! [laughs] Oh my God! I have a thing for soda, I love it, man. I know they gave me water but– (female voice) Oh, a soda! I didn’t even see that right there. Excuse me, un momento. [laughter] Pepsi. [laughter] No, that’s actually diet, which is cool. I’m not on a diet, and it’s funny because people go, Why then do you drink diet soda? So I can eat regular cake. I love cake, man, are you kidding? By the way, I wanna thank the three people who brought me a cake personally. I have them in the back. I really appreciate it. That was very nice of you. The management and the promoters are freaking out there, like, Gabriel, why do they all bring you cake? I go, Because on TV I talked about one time how much I love cake. And so people bring it. My friend Mondo got mad, He’s, like, [Mexican male accent] Why don’t you talk about hookers? Somebody asked me earlier too, they said, Gabriel, when you get to do your special, are you gonna do anything about the country, are you gonna talk about politics? Well, I’m gonna talk first of all about how I love this country, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would agree. [laughter] He’s not–yeah. I don’t have to make fun of the president. He does it by himself. Okay? [whistling, clapping] He does it by himself. Every time he comes on TV, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. Especially during press conferences, (high-pitched female voice) Mr. President. Question. It’s been over a year. What is your plan for Katrina? [imitates Bush’s voice] Ha! We’re gonna find her. [laughter] That’s right. And we’re gonna bring Katrina to justice. We have every reason to believe Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda. Qaeda, Katrina, they both start with a “k.” Our president got elected. I didn’t vote for him, but then again, I didn’t vote for the other guy either. I was just, like–. How Bush won is beyond me. Americans, we love to vote but we don’t vote for Presidents. We vote for things like American Idol. Because that’s fun. Voting for presidents is not fun. Voting for American– Shebang! Shebang! That’s what they should do for presidents. Just put both guys on TV for one hour, call it something catchy like “Who’s Gonna Run This Bitch?” You put ’em on TV for an hour, let ’em argue 30 minutes into the special, you put an 800 number on the screen, and say “Cast Your Vote.” [phone rings, click] You’ve reached the presidential hotline. For George Bush, press three. John Kerry, press four. Other options, press five. You don’t like either one? Press five. [beep] Please hold. [high-pitched voice hums U.S. national anthem] [rings and clicks] [imitates Clinton] [chuckles] I knew you’d be back. That’s right. You know you miss your daddy. Oh, yeah. I’m such a dork. I don’t care. But I have fun though. One thing you guys definitely made possible is I have the ability now to travel and I never did that. I never used to travel until I became a comedian. I’m, like, Oh my God, there’s a whole other world out there. When I was hanging out in Florida, I got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different. It was an alternative park called Gatorland. It’s a real park, and I’ve met the owners and they’re really cool people but I gotta tell you : best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You call this park, this is what you hear. [phone rings and clicks] (male voice, Southern accent) Yeehaw! You’ve reached Gatorland, America’s premier gator extravaganza. You’ve seen ’em on TV, now come and see ’em live. Gatorland. You’re gonna love this park. Then he says this: Fer Spanish, press two. [laughter] Oh. I gotta hear this. [beep] I don’t speak Spanish but you’re gonna love this park. I was dyin’! I called him like ten times. Aw, it’s the best. I’m starting to sweat a little bit, huh. Too sexy, arrr. I don’t care though, I have a lot of fun, you guys. You guys have made a lot of things possible. At the beginning, when I first started, coming here to Bakersfield, to the Fox Theater, I used to go to this taco place, up the way called Taco Loco— [cheering and whistling] And it’s still there. I love food on wheels, you know. But this taco place has taken it to the next level. They’re really really good there, they’re not paying me nothing, I’m just talking about ’em, but I go to order and these guys were kinda, you know– the girls were cool but the guys were mean. I try to order some food, I’m like– [thuds] Hello? And the guy is like, Què pasò, gordo wha’ you want? Wha’ you want?? Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos, chicken and a Coke? Okay. What else? [laughter] That’s it. Tsk, awww. Whatever, dude. But we had a lot of fun. We got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here in town to get the word out to you guys about the show. They try to get me set up on the Spanish radio stations and I’ve done that in the past and it was okay. But the last few times I had to say no because they put me on the radio with a guy who’s like “from” Mexico. And I can speak Spanish but you put me up against somebody from the Motherland, hoo! I walk in the studio, I’m dealing with this one guy, right? We go on the air and he’s like [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Que paso! que paso! que paso! I meet that same guy in the hallway, he sounded just like that. Oh, hey, how’s it goin’? Que paso?! Are we on the air? No!! Why are you talking like that? Porque si!! And I freaked out ’cause you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids? Come two, three o’clock in the morning, his wife maybe wants to do a little “something” and she tells her man, [female Mexican accent] Honey, tonight, when the kids are sleeping, what are you going to do to me? Que me vas a hacer? [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Quitarte los calzones para ver ese cuuulote! Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [unintelligible] està presentado por Pepsi! Sì [whoosh]. I know somebody who doesn’t speak Spanish is gonna go home and try it tonight. Sì. [whoosh] (high-pitched female] You better stop that. Sì. [whoosh]. Just have a little fun. Like I said, you guys, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. A lot of things have been happening over the years. This past year I had the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of worked out a little weird. Well, but hey, all I can say is the winner is the winner, and he did what he did, and he got what he got. But hey, this ain’t bad for sixth place, is it? Huh? [cheers and whistling] Yeah, I’m not the last comic standing, but I’m the only one with a Comedy Central Special. [laughs]. I know my mom is here tonight. She’s like– [speaks Spanish]. I love my mom. She’s over here, you guys. Just say hi to her. Mom. [cheering and clapping] Right there. That little woman made me. And she tells everybody, (high-pitched female) No, he came out of here. Ay, hombre, this is the road to success. She is not shy. She cracks me up though, man. She likes what I do because it’s working, but she still doesn’t get the jokes. It’s not that she doesn’t speak English, ’cause she speaks perfect English. She just doesn’t see me as a comedian. She sees me as her son. I can’t tell her a joke ’cause then she questions it and kills it. I could tell her something, like, Mom, why did the chicken cross the road? And I’ll get, (high-pitched female) Who let out the chicken? It’s a joke. It’s no joke, baboso, you know how much I pay for those chickens? Never mind. No, you never mind. It’s cool, though, man. She’s seen me do a lot of things. A lot of people say, well, you gave your mom a shot, what about your dad? Well, he’s not in the picture. My father, um, ha, let’s put some beans out there, my father was a mariachi. Way–I swear to God–he was one of those straight-up you know, [ra-ta-ta-ta] And my mom hooked up with him about 30-plus years ago one night, and nine months later, tan-tan, and I came out– [laughter] So I have a vague memory of my father. I knew him until I was about maybe four years old. And then apparently they got the band back together and he took off. [laughter] I don’t remember exactly what he looks like, and sometimes I’ll take my mom out to dinner and I’ll go, Mom, I don’t mean to bug you about this, what does he look like? Do you have any photos I can get and idea and stuff? And my mom, she’s funny, she grabs a hot sauce. [high-pitched female] He looks like that. That’s funny, verdad? Eso està funny, verdad? [laughs and screeches] He look just like that. For those of you that don’t know, there’s a picture of a mariachi on the bottle of hot sauce. So, yeah, we’re doing okay. Somebody asked me, they say, Well, on your first special that you got to do, you kept talking about this guy, this friend of yours named Felipe. ls he a real person? He is a real person. And he’s an old friend. Known him forever. But he’s one of these comedians who doesn’t know when to stop being funny. And that’s why it’s hard sometimes to hang out with the guy, ’cause you know, I know when to quit. Especially around cops, when I hear [gun cocks] the joke is over. If I hear [siren] you get an apology. My friend didn’t know when to draw the line and we were hanging out one day and sure enough a freakin’ cop got mad, (deep male voice) Oh, you think it’s real funny, huh? You think it’s easy to be a police officer? You see that scar? I got stabbed in ’92. See that? Bullet wound, ’96. What do you got to say about that? And I was, like, I have nothin’ to say about that. And my friend, Felipe, is, like, Oh, yeah? What are you doin’? Fool, watch this. [screech] What are you doin’? He grabs my shirt, pulls it up, tells the cop, Fool, you see those stretch marks? Doughnuts, 1996. I said, Dude, he’s gonna kill us. I know, fool, but it was funny, huh? And speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright? Don’t get ahead of me, watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, I was, like, [gasp] Oh, you’re gonna get it when you get home! Oh, you’ve been so bad. So–[female screech] you’re gonna get it. I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right? [rrr] Sure enough– [siren] [shout] Ohhh! I pull over. [rrr and screech] Mm. Later. [ba-ba-ba] I’m sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking forever. I said, The hell with this, he’s taking too long. I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? And–[mmmm] [lascivious chuckle] [mmm] [high-pitched screeches] Oh, I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right? [deep male voice] You know why I stopped you? It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, ‘Cause you can smell it. Oh, he was dying, [deep male] Son of a bitch! Whatever, he let me go, man. So you just gotta be careful. If you can make a cop laugh, you got a chance. This past year, I got to experience something else. I experienced my first Raiders game. [loud cheering, clapping, booing] Now, uh– hey, listen you guys, it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened last year that I’m a fan. And I became a fan last year. [cheering and whistling] You can hate it if you want, but you know what? Not only did I become a fan, I did a show in Oakland. And I made a couple of jokes and references about the team. And apparently there were two players in the audience. I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s why they lost. They shoulda been at home, practicing. But there were two there. And they confronted me outside. They were big guys like so, You got a problem with the Raiders, son? I’m, like, [screech] They grabbed me, picked me up, and pinned me against the wall. Oh, my God. Luckily, they fumbled me and I got away. And people go, How do you come up with your material, Gabriel? How do you come up with the things you’re gonna say? Things happen to me and then instead of just going to a shrink, I suck it up and I come up here like when I did the joke about the freakin’ Volkswagen, I really used to own a Volkswagen. I didn’t just go, Let me see if this is funny. I had a Volkswagen. No, I lived it. People go, Why do you wear Hawaiian shirts? I’ve always worn Hawaiian shirts. Bottom line is simple. Why do I wear ’em? ‘Cause they fit. They’re colorful, and I’m sorry– When you wear a Hawaiian shirt and you’re living in the ghetto, people don’t think you’re up to no good. You’re not a gang member wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Nobody’s gonna take you serious, you know? [deep black male] Where you from? [male Hawaiian accent] Oh, Honolulu, eh. [laughter] You can’t be hard and colorful. [laughs] Uh-uh. No way, man. And believe me, I’ve had my encounters. I had a little encounter one time on a plane. Some guy was getting a little weird, and I’m like, Uh-uh, no more for me. Every time I get on a plane, there’s always drama. Always. One time I’m flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh. The plane drops 600 feet [whoosh] straight down. That was better than any ride you’ve ever been on. I don’t care who you are, you could’ve been freakin’ doin’ 20 years in prison, you killed a hundred people, you can be the baddest toughest dude ever. When you’re in a plane and it just drops out of the sky, [gasps] Woo! I was gay for five seconds. I’m not gonna lie! [screeches] [weeping] [screech] Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican, yes, I was. I was in touch with myself. It was funny, man. Before I go, I got one more good story to tell you. I took a road trip about a year ago after I got rid of the Beetle in the SUV. Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix to go perform at this club. Let me tell you who was in the car. I’m driving, I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun. He’s another Fluffy guy, we call him Sexy Bitch. Well, I don’t call him that, his wife calls him that. [high-pitched Mexican female] He’s a sexy bitch! Anyway, in the back seat I got my friend, Martin. Next to him is my friend, Felipe. So we take off– [rrr] we’re on the 10 freeway, we’re passing all these Indian casinos– [rrr] [whoops Indian style]. Sorry, we’re stupid like that. Anyway, all of a sudden all these cars start passing me. [rrr rrr rrr] I’m getting annoyed ’cause I’m driving a [loud truck horn]. I said, Next car that tries to pass me, I’m not gonna let ’em. So I’m looking in the rear view mirror, waiting, looking, waiting, waiting, and I see a silver dot. The silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it. Some of you guys are going, How do you know they’re hoochies? ‘Cause my friend Martin was in the back seat going, I feel a disturbance in the force. They try to go around and I cut ’em off. [rrr] [high-pitched laughter] I’m having fun, they’re back there– [light honk]. Whatever! [truck honk] My friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me, [male Mexican accent] Fool, what are you doing? Dude, don’t worry, I’m having fun. Gabriel, you’re gonna get pulled over. Dude, I’m okay, it’s cool. We’re arguing, going back and forth, I’m not paying attention. I don’t see a California highway patrol officer creeping up on us. All of a sudden I hear–[siren]. I look at the speedometer: one oh two. [audience ohhhs] Oh, I freaked out. [screeches]. I pulled over. [rrrrrrr] [braking sound] [psssssst] The little car that was behind me with the two hoochies, they got pulled over because they were going just as fast, [rrr and squeak] [laughter] I’m in the front seat of my car, freakin’ out. Oh my God, I’m gonna go to jail. I’m on the verge of tears. From the back seat, I hear my friend Felipe– Fool, what are you cryin’ for? What are you cryin’ for, fool? You’re not the one with weed in his pocket, are you? You have drugs in the car? I told you to slow down, didn’t l? But no! Picachu knows everything. Shoot! Everybody roll down your windows. [frrr frrr] Air out the car. Mondo, fart. Do something, man. The cop walks over to the window, looks in, sees my face, recognizes me from TV, he’s, like, Hey, I know you, you’re a comedian. Yeah, you’re that guy from Comedy Central. You’re the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel and you crank-call him and you call him a dirty Mexican, and then you go “But it was funny, huh?” Oh, I love that joke. That one and when you go, [high-pitched female] Chocolate cake! Ohh, I love that joke! I hate to do this to you but we got two cars involved. I need your license and registration. Okay, here you go. Here you go. So he takes my info, goes back to the car with the two girls in it, the whole time he’s back there, I tell everybody in the car, Check it out! He just recognized me from TV! Maybe if we have some fun with him, crack some jokes, maybe he won’t take the car. I don’t care if I get a ticket, but as long as he doesn’t take the car. Mondo, be silly, crack a joke. Martin, be funny. Felipe. [deep voice] What, fool? Shut the hell up! So the cop comes back to the car, What the hell were you doing out there? Before I could think of something funny to say, from the back seat I hear, “Fool, he was testing the suspension.” Oh, my God. This pothead’s gonna get me arrested. Officer, I’m sorry, that’s my friend, Felipe, that’s the guy from the special, the guy who says “But it was funny, huh?” He’s just trying to get me in trouble. I’m really sorry. Whatever. So he goes back to his squad car with my driver’s license, and he’s swiping it in a computer. The whole time he’s doing that, he’s being yelled at from the back seat of my car. Hey, officer, thank God you have a computer! Last week we got stopped in Mexico, that fool had a Rolodex. The cop starts dying. [laughs with screech] I go, Oh, we got him going, we got him going. I told my buddy Mondo, Give me my CDs. I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack, and I pop it in, track three is the theme song to Cops. I tell my friend, Felipe, Tell me when the cop starts walking. Okay, fool, here he comes. I crank that song as loud as I could. [static and beep] Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you, what you gonna do. [imitates beat music] Best part, now the cop is walking to the beat. [beat music] Even better than that, the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they’re freakin’ out. They’re, like, [high-pitched] Oh my God, we’re gonna be on TV! The cop goes to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them go. [rrrrr] Looks at our car and at this point, we’re halfway through the song, we’re, like, [sings reggae] ♫ Police no give Me no break ♫ [unintelligible] Got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots. The cop is in the middle of the freeway, dying. [screech and laugh] He walks over to the window and he’s like, Shut it off! [screech] [click] Yes, sir. Hands me my license and the registration, and he tells me, Gabriel, I want you to do me a big favor, I want you to keep this tank under a hundred. You think you can do that? Uh-huh. Do that for me, keep on doing what you do, and you have yourself a nice day. But, but, that’s it? No ticket? No ticket. I don’t know what possessed me to look at this man and go, Why? [laughter] How come the girls got a ticket? And he tells me the coolest thing, he says, ‘Cause they couldn’t make me laugh. [laughter] [cheering] Woo-whee! You don’t understand, Gabriel, I’ve been on the force now for 26 years. This is hands-down the funniest damn traffic stop I’ve ever been a part of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two sluts a ticket while listening to Cops? I damn near pissed myself I was laughing so hard. This is going in the books as one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer, I swear to God. The only story better than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him doughnuts. So he starts walking away, and just as I’m about to start the car, So does that mean I can keep my weed? [laughter] I turn around to yell at my friend, Too late, the cop is at the window, You wanna run that by me again, son? You heard what I said, fool. Oh, you think this a big joke, don’t you? You think that just because I gave your buddy here a break, I know who he is, I like what he does, I don’t know you, I don’t like you. Step out of the car. I turn around and my friend Felipe is, like, Whooo. I am so scared. And the cop pulls out his gun, [cocks gun] I’m freakin’ out, Oh my God! Back seat, my friend, Felipe: Whooo. Whooo. I am so scared. Fool, he is good. He is good. Then he points it at him. The look on my friend Felipe’s face, [gasp] [whispers] Priceless! Are you serious? Are you serious? I’m a-go to jail? The cop was like [cocks gun]– Nah, but that was funny, huh? I love you, Bakersfield! Thank you! [curtain music] (Martin) We’re gonna bring Gabriel back out to answer some questions for you. You guys wanna bring Gabriel back out? [wild cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you, Martin. You pulled it off bro, congratulations. I needed that the first time I– well, never mind. They want to ask you some questions, uh, Who we got first? This is a little different something we decided to do because there’s gonna be a DVD release with special features we figured why not, sometimes people do things and sometimes people wanna know information and rather than go on the Internet, you can ask the source. So, here’s you guys’ opportunity, anything you guys wanna ask me, go for it. What’s your name, homey? My name is Danny. Where you from? Visalia, California. Visalia in the house! Go ahead, Danny. This past summer I got on a rollercoaster, when I sat down, it went click, click, click. How many’d you get? Dude, I’m beyond clicks now. I don’t even get on. Like six years ago, bro, I could still go to Disneyland, and lean on–[grrr]. Now, I’m older, I hang out by the strollers. What’s your question, Patricia? How does your family feel about your success? Um, some of the family thinks that I’m doing pretty good. My mom is happy ’cause she’s got a car and it’s paid for. [laughter] There are some members of the family that think I’ve gone Hollywood, and I’m like, Okay. Some of the family members are really cool about it, and some are just kinda you know, hmmm. I love them all, but, you know, hey, whatever. Not everybody can get a check. [laughter] Hey, how you doin’? What’s your name? (Gabriel) JuIia! I know JuIia. You guys go back, eh? Way back. Like that? Like that. My question is to you, I know you’re making fun of me for having the runs and going to pee, and I know you have a girlfriend, I saw her, very pretty, but will you please marry me, my fluffy bunny? [audience goes oh!] “Fluffy bunny?” Wow. Girl, my girlfriend’s gonna jump you and my mom’s gonna help. Take one for the team. Thank you, though. Bye, now. Woo! [screech] Juan, Mexican name. Yeah. Què pasò. How you doin’, bro? Who’s your favorite stand-up and have you ever met him? My favorite stand-up comic, Robin Williams, and I met him last year. [audience cheers] Yeah. Thank you, man. What I was curious about is how you come up with your material. How do I come up with material? Uh, some people have writers, some comics are writers, I don’t know how to sit down and come up with funny stuff and then come out here and try to perform it. I usually react to things that are happening, like people getting up, walking to the bathroom, baboso. And it’s still the same guy, too. Things happen to me on a daily basis, and I find a way to make them funny, like, for example, sometimes at night, when I go to a drive-thru and they mess me up, I like to go back in line again, and mess with them. Like when they come on the speaker, Welcome to McDonaId’.s, how can I help you? I’ll just start messing with them. I’ll do like a girl voice and go, Oh my God, hi! [laughs] You don’t just write that, it’s kind of a spur of the moment type of thing. Then I come up here and tell the story. Everything you hear me talk about on the shows is usually a real story. How are you handling success? How am I handling it? I’ll let you know when this airs. I’ll let you know when the DVDs come out to see if I hang [unintelligible]. Honestly, bro, I don’t know how you would say how you’re handling it, I don’t forget where I’m from, that’s exactly why I wanted to do the special here because it was a– 1 0 years later type of thing. I still have my original best friend from way back in the day when I didn’t have comedy. When I would go spend Christmas at his house. And I have people that love me and care about me whether this happens or doesn’t happen. My brother will still let me sleep on his porch. So, it’s going good, man. Stay true to your roots. Thank you, bro. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy by the name of Fast Freddy. Fast Freddy has been coming out to see my shows for what, a good three, four years? 2000 you opened up for Weird Al Yankovic in San Diego. What year was that? Two thousand. So for six years, you have successfully stalked me. [laughter] [high-pitched cries] And made it to the special. This guy right here, is one of the greatest fans any entertainer could ever ask for. And he’s just been a really really nice guy. We did a show in Denver, Colorado, and he had his entire family reunion come to the show. And any time I said his name, they’re like, [screeches] But no, honestly dude, I appreciate your coming out tonight, and I’m gonna see to it you come out on the DVD, and you can burn it, make copies and give it to your friends and sell it at the Swap-Meet. But I really appreciate you and your wife always coming out to the shows. Man, you’ve shown a lot of love and I appreciate you showin’ the Hawaiian shirt. Oh, yeah. But what’s your question, bro? You’ve been all over the nation, performing. Where have been some of your favorite places to perform? I don’t wanna kiss butt but mmm, one of them. [wild cheering] Yeah. Uh, some favorite places have been like, um, Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas, Houston, Texas, uh, Florida, all over Florida. Miami. New York. I’ve had a lot of fun places. One of the most interesting was in Canada. I performed for Canadians. Eh. They say “eh” more than gang members. How you doin’, eh? Orale, eh. I love performing everywhere. There are some places that l’d rather not go back, I won’t mention them in case they sell the CD and DVD there. What’s your name? Salvador. Salvador! It’s like a soap opera name. (girl voice) ¿ Donde vas? ¿Quièn eres? (male voice) Salvador. Just messin’ with you, bro. My question is, what’s your mom’s favorite dish that she taught you how to make or not? My mom’s favorite dish, that she would cook? Yeah. Uh, Jack I n the Box. Drive-thru. See, my mom, yeah, she’s Mexican, but she ole school Mexican, she didn’t even wanna cook. When I was a little kid, my mom would go play bingo, she still plays it and she’d come home at like one o’clock at night, and I’m like Mom, I’m hungry. (female Mexican accent) Let’s go. We’d go hit a Jack in the Box and it became a routine. When I was a little kid, I used to be like this, then, years later, Jack in the Box. Mom, what’s your favorite dish? Tamales! Oh, she’s getting mad, [imitates] Tamales! [laughter] Yeah, ’cause she’d make ’em once a year for Christmas and make me cook ’em with her, I’m tying the pinche tamales, I’m holding– [high-pitched] Amàrralos! I couldn’t take a bath because there’s a bunch of freakin’ corn husks in the tub because she’s letting them soak. I smell like culo but she don’t care. [high-pitched] I have to make tamales! Hey, Nick, what’s your question? What’s your favorite joke? What is my favorite joke? Oh, that’s a good question. Donkey! I know it’s not exactly a joke but it makes me laugh every time I say it. Hey! I actually told a joke, it’s not even a clean joke, my very first joke that I told, when I was 1 0 years old, I did a show at my elementary school, I went up on stage and I said this, I said, [unintelligible] I said, Why did the chicken cross the road? And the whole crowd said, Why? And I said, To check out the chicks. My name is Philip. It’s not really a question, I just wanna say thanks, I’m just out of the Marine Corp and I’ll tell you what, man, you brought a lot of laughter to us out there. [inaudible] So I just want to say thanks to you. [unintelligible] You kept us alive through some rough times. So thanks a lot, brother. [chuckles] I appreciate it, man. I’m glad you could make it here, bro. Huh? Tacos, later, what’s up? For Philip and everybody in the Marines, guys, let them hear it. All the troops! [wild clapping and cheering] Go ahead, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. [unintelligible] Ven p’acà. Get to the mike, pendejo. Come here. All night you wanna say something, now is your chance. You wanna scream. Ven p’acà. What have you been drinking all night? [unintelligible]? Budweiserrr. Bud Liiites. He even says it with an accent, huh? Budweiserrr! Bud Liiite! That’s the way you do it. That’s the way they allll do it. What’s your question? Where’s afterward? Last time I was here, we were told you were gonna be in one place and you were at another. I wanna take it from you. What are you asking? Where am I gonna be next? Where we all gonna go? After hours? Fuckin’ Denny’s. [unintelligible] East side? Hey. Hey. East side, north side, west side? south side? [unintelligible]. What’d you say? East side, north side, south side? Cabron, it’s cold, we’re gonna stay inside. I don’t know which one is that. Alright, I guess that’s it, you guys. Hey, listen, I really cannot express how touched I am that you guys sold out two shows tonight, here at the very first place where I started. [wild cheering] This special is gonna air on Comedy Central either June or July and you guys can say you were part of it, and hopefully it looks really nice on TV. Maybe they’ll cut off a pound or two. We’ll definitely be back here, give us about another year and we’ll be back to do it again, and I love you guys, thank you for showing love. Have a good night! Thank you! Captioned by Blue 105 www.blue105.com (male presenter) Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Fox Theater in beautiful downtown Bakersfield, put your hands together, show your love for Martin Moreno! [cheering and shouting] Woo! Bakersfield! How are you guys feeling tonight? [loud cheering] We got a packed house, thank you for coming out, thank you very much for the Latinos in the house. Muchas gracias. Where you at, Rosa? We got enough Latinos in here to start a march. That’s beautiful. Where’s the white people? Make some noise, white people! [loud cheering and shouting] Wow. We are not marching anywhere. [laughter] Get back to work! Where’s the black folks? Make some noise, black folks! [a few voices] [audience laughs] Alright, two! Well, that’s all we need to keep the white people distracted from the Latinos in the house. I love black folks. Black guys have got to be the coolest men on the planet. You know that? That’s right. I’ll tell you right now. A black guy could punk a white guy into some fashion. [laughter] A black guy could show up wearing a clown suit talking shit, it’s a clown suit, bitches! Honk honk, that’s my cell phone, n i g g a. [laughter] There’d be a white guy behind him, Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit. They are cool. Latinos, we got it all twisted. We thought hard work was gonna do the trick. It’s hard work being Latino, right? You gotta sneak in through the desert, get a job without an I D, learn how to speak English. Black folks tried hard work for 200 years, you see where that shit got them. A boat showed up to Africa, it was a messed-up trip but a boat showed up. Can you imagine if a boat showed up in Mexico? Latinos would be running each other over, trying to get on. Vamonos, cabron, call your tio, it’s free, let’s go! Shit, you think we fit a lot of people in a car? Mess around and give us a boat? We’ll have people hanging from that anchor, Take me too! Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit. It looks like we got a lot of couples in the house. Couples, where you at? Make some noise, couples. [much shouting] Wow. Better you than me. I was married one time, had a traditional Latino Catholic wedding. Very traditional. My girlfriend was pregnant. [laughter] My son was the best man. It was traditional. I’m not doing it again though. And I knew marriage wasn’t for me, because at the wedding they were throwing minute rice. I knew it wasn’t gonna last, right? And my favorite part out of the whole wedding thing was the bachelor party. Are you kidding? Free beers, free lapdances, that’s a good time, right? Because strip clubs are expensive when you gotta pay, right? You got a big ol’ cover charge, you get all mad, I shoulda brought the VIP tickets I got last week. You walk in, beers are eight bucks, lapdances are 25 bucks, and then they trick you, two for one, two for one, but then the song’s over in one minute. What the hell is that? Who’s doing the music here? DJ ComeQuick? This is bullshit. It’s horrible. That is why I like strip clubs in Mexico. That is the shit right there. [cheering] And if you haven’t gone, you owe it to yourselves to take a vacation, just to check it out. [light laughter] Everybody is welcome in the Mexican strip club. You got your wife, you got your kids, come on in, they don’t care. First of all, there’.s no cover charge. There’s a midget about that big, just recruiting people. He’s got horns, whistles, make it look like a carnival. Come on in! You walk in, no cover charge. Two-dollar beers. One-dollar shooters. Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every lapdance has a happy ending. That is good times. You have got to be carefuI at the Mexican strip clubs. The girls look young. They’re legal, but they’re barely legal. It’s like it’s gonna be midnight and they’re like seventeen and a half. It’s like, alright. It’s like a New Year’s countdown. Five, four, three, two, hit the pole, baby, you’re legal. I’m telling you, one of these girls didn’t even have high heels. She had tennis shoes. She was dancing, little lights were coming on in the back. I’m Martin Moreno, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you! Coming to the stage, a very very funny man, you might have seen him at Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival. Please a big hand, M r. Noe Gonzalez. [cheering] [inaudible] Alright. Alright. Alright, I’m five foot three, fuck it, how you doin’ everybody? [shouts] Alright. There’s advantages to being short, right? Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick. Two Bud Lites, I’m gone. [laughter] There’s advantages. I could stand under a table when there’s an earthquake. I could just stand there. You guys good over there? Yeah, I’m good over here. The bathroom of the airplane, I fit in there. Tall people, you don’t fit in there, huh? Your knees are hittin’ the door like that. Not me, that’s like my living room, man. I’m like woo! This flight is takin’ forever. Let me wash my hands real quick. One thing that sucks is that people always know what I am for Halloween. Tall people, you can fool your friends. You show up to the party, everybody’s like, Who’s Batman over there? I don’t know, but there’s Noe right there. Last year I dressed up as King Kong. My friends came up to me, Hey, you’re Curious George, huh, bro? Come here! So I was just watching the movie of exorcism of Emily Rose. Have you seen that movie? That’s a scary movie, man, because the devil could just pop into you at any time. I didn’t know he could do that. You know, she was just walking down the street, How you doin’? [groans] That guy stayed with her, (deep male voice) Honey, I love you, I don’t care! [groan] And then his friends would get mad, he would take her to parties, Hey dude, your chick is triping by the punchbowl, look. [laughter] Nobody wants to drink punch, bro, take her home. (deep male voice) Come on, honey, let’s get out of here. Only white people get possessed by the devil. I’ve seen the first two Exorcists movies, guys. Latinos, we don’t get possessed by the devil because our moms would beat the shit out of the devil. Our mom with el diablo, [speaks Spanish angrily]. Traeme el tapatio, con el tapatìo se sale el diablo. Con el tapatio– Hijo de la chingada! [unintelligible]. Speaking of the devil, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Sorry about that. It was hard, man, because she had cable. [laughter] Man, she has N FL Preview, maybe I should wait till February. We’re always fighting. We got in a fight at six flags. We were right there in line for Superman, the ride. And there was these cholos in front of us, playing around with water guns, just shooting each other. They’re [psh psh] Go Raiders, hey! [psh psh] [laughter] And some water started splashing backward, right? She says, I’m getting wet, do something! And I saw they were cholos, you know what I mean? So I was, like, Take it, bitch! [laughter] We just got us splashed, you got drenched, you didn’t say nothing! Now you want me to go do something? She says, Fine, if I get wet again, I’m gonna go do something. I go, Oh, shit. So an hour goes by, and the cholos they start playing around with the water guns– [psh psh] and she got wet again, (female voice) That’s it! She ran over there, she had a full Coke. And she threw it on the cholos, You like getting wet, huh? You like getting wet? You like getting wet? I’m running behind her going, No!! [laughter] The cholos were standing there, all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky, Then they looked at me, Hey, bro, control your bitch! I was, like, Whoa. See? I told you you were a bitch. Didn’t I tell you–? Hey, bro, I’m not even with her, dog. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I can’t even get on the rides. Go, Raiders. So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago. All my friends pitched in, they gave me a Harley Davidson for my birthday. It sucked because I couldn’t reach it. I took it back, tried to get it custom-sized, they gave me a Moped. Moped sucks, they have like no power. I couldn’t go over a speed bump– [imitates small motor] So I just got a little dog. I haven’t named it yet. I like the way white people name their pets. You name them after real people, like, this is my dog, Benjamin. Hi, Benji. Latinos we don’t really care what we name our pet, we’ll name it after any object. I went over my cousin’s house, he says I brought a neat dog. He’s right over there. Fierro! [laughter] Black people, they always get big old tough dogs. A pit bull, [barks]. I’ve never seen a black guy with a cat. [laughter] I’ve never seen a black guy in the trees, looking for his cat, (deep black male voice) Where you are, kitty, kitty! Come on, motherfucker, we goin’ for a walk, bitch! Where’s my kitty? Come on, kitty, kitty?! Here, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh, kitty, kitty. [laughter] You guys have been a lot of fun! Thank you very much, guys! Have a good time tonight, guys! Have a good time. Coming to the stage, a very funny man, please put your hands together for M r. Armando Cosio. Thank you. Hey, what’s up? Hey, how you doin’? I know, some of you are looking at me, saying, Hey, didn’t they kill him last week? [laughter] That’s Saddam, man, that’s him. They hung ‘im. Yeah, well, the rope broke. Some of you guys are saying, That guy should work out. Should jog after the ice cream man. That’s what my old lady says. You should jog after the ice cream man. I go, Ha ha, real funny. You know I can’t jog after the ice cream man. He parks in front of the house. [laughter] On purpose. He’s right there, Hey, the gordo lives right here. Go ahead, crank up the music, crank that up. Subele, subele. He’s gonna come out right now. And when he comes out, we’re gonna make them run, and we’re gonna take off. Here it comes, here it comes. Go! Go, go, go! And that’s just the guy with the pushcart and little bell on the handlebars– [pring, pring, pring]. I know how to stop them, though. But hey, Jose, I’m gonna call the green man on your ass if you don’t stop it. Okay, gordo, don’t–don’t fuck around, gordo, okay? Don’t mess around, goddamn it, you son of a bitch, hijo de tu pinche madre, ay goddamn it. I got childrens and everything so don’t fuck. I give you credit. And I’m like, Alright, man. Give me a Choco-Taco. It’s a trip, man when on hot days he’s got beer in there. This is a guy that sells ice cream to our children. I say, Hey, Jose, what the hell is the beer for? No, no, tch, tch, tch. He forgets how to speak, he just blows air. Tch, tch, tch, ahh. Tch, tch, tch. [mumbles] Hot! It is hot, goddamn it. It’s hot. I know it’s hot but you got like a case and a half in there. No, cabron, it’s not just for me. It for my friend, the elote man. The corn guy. You know the corn guy, the elote guy, yeah? [cheering] Yeah. Yeah. [cheering] Same horn, every neighborhood. [squeaking horn] [sings out] Elotes! Elotes! That guy– he parks in front of my house too. Aqui vive el gordo? No, the gordo lives right here. He lives right here. Oh, I got a special horn for him. No, not the [unintelligible]. No, no, a special horn for him. Watch, watch. [squeaky gordo, gordo, gordo] Son of a bitch. Man. And I’ve been married for 32 years, so you know how that is. Yeah. Have to role-play with her and everything. The other day we had sex dolphin-style. You guys ever try dolphin style? Okay, dolphin style is like doggy style but if you hit the wrong opening, she’s gonna go, [eee eee eee] You guys have been a lot of fun, guys, thank you very much. Orale, Bakersfield! [cheering, whistling]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker (1999) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-bigger-blacker-1999-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen… live from the world-famous Apollo Theater… in Harlem, New York. Are you ready? Please welcome Mr. Chris Rock! What’s up… New York? There’s Brooklyn in the house. Well, I’m from Brooklyn. Shit, look at this. White people are up top tonight. You know, I was just in my hotel, a little while ago, on my way here… and I got in the elevator, right? I’m getting in the elevator… and these two high-school white boys try to get on with me… and I just dove off. I said, ”Y’all ain’t killing me!” I am scared of young white boys. If you white and under 21 I am running for the hills. What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the school? They don’t even wait till 3 o’clock either. Killing people in the morning. That ain’t right. The Trenchcoat Mafia. ”No one will play with us. ”We have no friends. We’re the Trenchcoat Mafia.” Hey, I saw the yearbook pictures. It was six of them. I didn’t have six friends in high school. I don’t got six friends now. Shit, that’s three-on-three with a half court. What the hell is wrong with these kids? I got people telling me, ”Come on, Chris. Come up to a school. Talk to the kids.” I’m like, ”Fuck the kids! ”Do you got a vest? Maybe I’ll think about it.” Everybody wants to know what the kids was listening to. What kind of music was they listening to? Or what kind of movies was they watching? Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy? What happened to crazy? What, you can’t be crazy no more? Did we eliminate ”crazy” from the dictionary? Fuck the records. Fuck the movies. Crazy! When I was a kid, they used to separate the crazy kids from everybody. When I was a kid, the crazy kids went to school in a little-ass bus. They had a class at the end of the school… and they used to get out of school at 2:30. Just in case they went crazy… they would only hurt other crazy kids. And we was all safe. We was all safe. Damn, the world’s coming to an end. You’ll have little white kids saying: ”l want to go to a black school where it’s safe.” That’s right, man. And everybody’s talking about gun control, got to get rid of the guns. Fuck that. I like guns. You got a gun, you don’t have to work out. I ain’t working out. I ain’t jogging. You got pecs, I got Tecs. Fuck that shit. You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. $5,000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5,000 there’d be no more innocent bystanders. That’d be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ”Damn, he must have did something. ”Shit, they put $5,000 worth of bullets in his ass.” People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000. ”Man, I would blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. ”I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money… ”and you’re a dead man. ”You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.” So even if you get shot by a stray bullet… you won’t have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ”I believe you got my property.” That’s right, man. See, everybody blames the kids as fucking crazy. Everybody wants to be mad at the kids for shooting up the school. What about the parents? The parents. The parents is really fucked up, man. Their damn parents need to go to jail for some of this fucking shit, man. ‘Cause everybody knows that crazy-ass kid that went to jail. You go, ”Man, he ain’t never had a chance. ”If you’d known his mama, you’d know he gonna be there.” I was at the club the other night, down at Life, chilling at the club. I’m chilling with this girl. She was dancing. It was about : a.m. I’m talking to her, and realized she had two kids at home. I don’t mind the two kids at home, that’s all good. But I’m like, ”What the fuck are you doing in a club… ”at 2:00 in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night? ”What the fuck are you doing here? ”ls it your birthday? ”Did you get a raise? ”Well, you got to get the fuck out. ”You go. I’m kicking you the fuck out. Yes, bye! ”Go take care of them kids before they rob me in years.” You got to get your kid on or your groove on. You can’t get both on at the same time. I’m tired of this shit. And a bunch of girls are like: ”You don’t need no man to help you raise no child.” Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you can do it without a man but that don’t mean it’s to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good fucking idea. I don’t give a fuck. You could be the baddest mama on earth. I don’t give a fuck how good you are. Ain’t nothing you can say more powerful than, ”I’m gonna tell your daddy.” Can’t fuck with it. Can’t come close to, ”I’m gonna tell your daddy.” You can have a gun at the kid’s head, ”I’ll blow your fucking head off.” -”So what?” -”I’ll tell your daddy.” ”Okay, okay.” Can’t fuck with it, man. I’m tired of bumping into these girls at the club… all late on a fucking weeknight. I got a little cousin who got left back in the first grade. Left back in the first grade… ’cause his mama’s out getting the groove on. You know how dumb you got to be… to get left back in the first grade? ”What’s four plus four?” ”Jell-O.” But that ain’t his fault. That’s the mama’s fault. That’s the mama’s fucking fault. That’s right. I’m telling my cousin, ”Tina, talk to your fucking kid. ”Talk to him, teach him some shit. ”If you said more words to him than, ‘Mommy be back’… ”he might know something.” That’s right. And it’s real easy to tell who kids are gonna be fucked up. It don’t take no scientist to tell who’s gonna have some fucked-up kids. If the kid calls his grandmamma ”Mommy”… and his mama ”Pam,” he’s going to jail. You ain’t saving no college money, you saving bail money. That money’s going to Johnnie Cochran. That’s right. If the kid can’t read, that’s Mama’s fault. That is Mama’s fucking fault. Now, if the kid can’t read ’cause there ain’t no lights in the house… that’s Daddy’s fault. You got this shit down? See, nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. There’s some real daddies out there. I’m not talking about the guy that fucked you and left. Fuck him, okay? I’m talking about the real daddies. There’s still some motherfuckers out there that handle their business. Motherfuckers wanna act like brothers…. There’s some brothers that handle their business. ‘Cause people don’t give a fuck…. Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio. Everything’s ”Mama. Dear Mama. Always loved my Mama.” What’s the Daddy song? Papa was a Rollin’ Stone. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody appreciates Daddy. Now, Mama’s got the roughest job. I ain’t gonna front. But at least people appreciate Mama. Every time Mama do something right, Mama gets a compliment… ’cause women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That’s right. And an occasional pair of shoes. That’s right. Women got to hear it all the time, or they lose their minds. And get Daddy to make sure you thank your mama for everything. ”Tell your mama how good the food is. Tell her how nice the house looks. ”Tell your mama how nice her hair looks. ”Did you tell your mama? You better go in there and tell your mama.” That’s right! ”Tell your mama.” Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. I’m talking about the real daddies that handle their fucking business. Nobody ever says, ”Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent.” ”Hey, Daddy, I sure love this hot water.” ”Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light.” Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. I’m talking about a daddy that handles his business. Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Think about everything that the real daddy does: pay the bills, buy the food, put a fucking roof over your head. Everything you could ever ask for. Make your world a better, safer place. And what does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. That’s all Daddy gets… is the big piece of chicken. That’s right. And some women don’t want to give up the big piece of chicken. ”Who the fuck is you… ”to keep the big piece of chicken? ”How dare you keep the big piece of chicken!” A man can’t work hours and come home to a wing. When I was a kid, my mama would lose her mind… if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident. ”What the fuck! You ate the big piece of chicken? ”Oh, Lord! No, no. ”Now I got to take some chicken and sew it up and shit. ”Get me two wings and a pork chop. Daddy’ll never know the difference.” Just can’t do it. Can’t do it. l don’t know, man. The world’s nuts. It’s all good for Clinton. Any time something bad happens, it’s good for Bill Clinton. Just gets people off his ass. ”Stop thinking about me. Good. Kids got shot. Good. ”Good. People are not thinking about me. ”Tornadoes. Good. ”People ain’t thinking about me.” Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn’t find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People’s Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She’d have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials. What the fuck did Clinton do? They was charging him with shit I didn’t even know was crimes. ”You got her some gifts.” So what he got her gifts? That’s his friend. You can’t buy your friend a gift? ”Tried to get her a job.” You can’t get your friend a job? Shit, % of the people in this room got their job… because a friend recommended them. It’s against the law to get your friend a job? Shit, she blew him for a couple of months. The least he could do is give her a recommendation! It’s the least he could do. See, people… everybody expects this holy behavior ’cause he’s the President. Expect him to behave this holy way. He’s just the President. He ain’t Rev. Clinton. lt ain’t Pastor Clinton. lt ain’t Maharajah Clinton. lt is just Bill Clinton. He’s just a man. A man’s gonna be a man. A man is basically as faithful as his options. That’s how faithful a man is, no more, no less. You see all these fat Republican guys going: ”l would never do such a thing. This is a travesty.” I’m like, ”Nobody’s trying to blow you.” Ain’t no -year-old girls trying to blow Orrin Hatch. Ain’t nobody trying to give Newt Gingrich some. I don’t give a fuck, you ain’t never gonna hear Newt Gingrich go: ”Man, I wish these hoes would back up off me. ”l wish they would just back the fuck up off me.” Let a player play, shit! That’s right. damn near impossible for a man to turn down sex. hard for a man to turn down sex. We can stop chasing it, and even that requires some rehab. But it’s hard for a man to stop. lf it chase us, we can’t run that fast. gonna catch us, we’re like: ”Shit, pulled a hamstring. You got me.” You can’t run that fast. See, it’s easy for women to turn down sex. lt ain’t shit for y’all to turn down sex. lt ain’t no thing for y’all to turn down sex. Y’all like, ”Why can’t you turn it down? I do it all the time. ”Why can’t you say no? I say no.” See, it’s easy for y’all. You know why? ‘Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That’s right. Women are offered dick every day. Every woman in here… gets offered dick at least three times a week. Three times a day, shit! That’s right, every time a man’s being nice to you… all he’s doing is offering dick. That’s all it is. ”Can I get that for you? How about some dick?” ”Could I help you with that? Could I help you to some dick? ”Do you need some dick?” Nobody offers us shit. We got to fend for ourselves. We can’t believe it when we get an offer. We’re like, ”Damn, this is my lucky day.” That’s right, man. See, this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal, a lot of this shit is Hillary’s fault. That’s right, I said it. I said it. lt had to be said. Somebody got to say it. Everybody’s like, ”Hillary’s a hero.” No, she ain’t. Aquaman’s a hero. He can talk to the fishes. What the fuck can Hillary do? A lot of this shit is Hillary’s fault, ’cause, ladies, you know your man. You know your man better than he knows himself. You know what kind of man you got. You know if you got the crazy, need-a-blowjob-all-the-time man. So sometimes you gotta save your man from himself. So you know what happens if he don’t get his medicine. So Hillary Clinton put us all in danger. She put the security of the free world in jeopardy… and she needs to suffer the consequences for her actions. That’s right, she’s the First Lady. She’s supposed to be the first one on her knees to suck his dick! Shit! That’s right. Monica Lewinsky shouldn’t have even stood a chance. Hillary’s supposed to already be down there like, ”Hey, I got it. ”I’ve got it. I got the dick. ”Tickle his ass, or something. ”Yeah, grab a ball, make yourself useful.” And they always been on Clinton. Before any of this happened, they was on Clinton. What was they on him for? Gays in the military. Everybody says, ”Don’t let them in.” If they wanna fight, let them fight, ’cause I ain’t fighting. I wouldn’t give a fuck if I saw a Russian tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue. I ain’t shooting nobody. So call me a f a g g o t. When the war is over, I’ll be the f a g g o t with two legs, thank you. You know what’s fucked up? Everybody gets so homophobic. People, we need to cut that shit out… ’cause everybody in this room got at least a gay cousin. Every last one of you got a gay cousin. You knew he was gay when y’all was kids. You was playing ball, he was jumping rope. He didn’t turn gay, he was gay then. He just didn’t have nobody to be gay with. Shit, I got a gay uncle. Call him Aunt Tom. Every Christmas, he comes over with his ”friend.” See, it don’t make no sense to hate nobody. It don’t make no sense to be a racist, sexist, or nothing, but…. It don’t. It doesn’t. It don’t make no sense… ’cause whoever you hate will end up in your family. That’s right, you don’t like gays, you’re gonna have a gay son. You don’t like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter’s gonna come home with ”Livin’ la vida loca!” Don’t you just love that shit? That’s a catchy-ass song. You just want to jump up on shit. ”Livin’ la vida loca! ”Come on!” I feel that shit. I’ll be driving, ”Livin’ la vida loca!” I love that shit. That ain’t going nowhere. That’s gonna be out a long time. That shit is like the Puerto Rican Whoomp! (There It Is)! I was talking about my gay uncle. See, your uncles prepare you for life. If you got enough uncles, they’ll prepare you for life… ’cause you got every type of uncle. You got your gay uncle, you got your alcoholic uncle. You got your stealing uncle. You got your molester uncle. Everybody’s got that one molester uncle. Your mama’s like, ”Where them kids at?” -”They’re with Johnny.” -”Get them kids! ”Hurry up, get them kids! Don’t leave them with your Uncle Johnny!” Later on, you get molested, your mama get mad at you. ”That’s what you get. ”Hanging around fucking Johnny. I told you about that shit! ”Now walk it off!” That’s your family. I don’t know. Let’s talk about Clinton. One thing Clinton did I didn’t like, raise taxes. Taxes all high and shit. You know what’s fucked-up about taxes? You don’t even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain’t a payment, that’s a jack. Got all these taxes: city tax, state tax, Social Security tax. You don’t get the money until you’re . Meanwhile, the average black man dies at . Shit, we should get Social Security at ! What the fuck, man? We don’t live that long. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD, something will get you. What the fuck is up with the police? My God! I am scared. I didn’t get rid of no guns. Fuck that shit. And I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad… made me think I stole my own car. ”Get out the car, get out the fucking car! You stole this car!” I’m like, ”Damn, maybe I did. ”Oh, Lord, I done stole a car.” You know what’s worse than taxes? What’s worse than tax is insurance. You got to have some insurance. They shouldn’t even call it insurance. They just should call it ”in case shit.” I give a company some money in case shit happens. Now, if shit don’t happen, shouldn’t I get my money back? That’s right, man, you better have some medical insurance, or you gonna die. That’s right, everybody. You got to eat right and exercise. No, you don’t, you need some coverage. Coverage will save your life. That’s right, we all gonna die, but at least if you got some coverage… you will die on a mattress. That’s right. When I was a kid, we didn’t have no insurance. We didn’t have a damn thing. You had to be damn near dead to see the doctor. You had to be way past Robitussin. That’s all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. -”Daddy, I got asthma.” -”Robitussin.” -”I got cancer.” -”Robitussin.” I broke my leg, Daddy poured Robitussin on it. ”Yeah, boy, let that ‘tussin get in there. ”Yeah, boy, let that ‘tussin get on down to the bone. ”The ‘tussin ought to straighten out the bone. good. ”lf you run out of ‘tussin, put some water in the jar, shake it up, more ‘tussin. ”More ‘tussin!” Y’all like doctors ’cause they don’t cure shit. They don’t cure nothing. Same diseases been hanging out since I was a kid, man. What’s the last shit a doctor cured? Polio. You know how long ago polio was? That’s like the first season of Lucy. Shit, Fred had an Afro with finger waves! Have you ever met anybody with polio? Anybody feel a little ‘poly around you? No. That’s right, they don’t cure shit. The same diseases been hanging out since I was a kid: AlDS, sickle cell, tuberculosis, cancer, Jerry’s kids still limping around. l’ve been watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon… for probably about or years now. Not one stitch of progress whatsoever. Come on, man. Lie to me, Jerry! What the fuck you doing, Jerry? Put a stick in the kid’s back, prop him up or some shit! Come on, call Steven Spielberg. Get some special effects on this shit! Get George Lucas on the case! CGI, motherfucker! What the fuck! Tie some string around him, make a cripple puppet or some shit. Lie to me! Where the fuck’s the money going? What, to keep Jerry’s hair black? Where’s the money going? Think about it. Frank Sinatra: dead. Dean Martin: dead. Sammy Davis: dead. Jerry Lewis got a full head of black hair. And if you ain’t gonna cure the disease, cut the kids a check! That’s right, you know the little boy who’s getting ready to die? Get him a table dance. Get him a table dance, for Christ’s sake! I’m sure the Make-A-Wish people hear that request every now and then. Get the boy a table dance. ”What do you want, Jimmy? You’re dying. Wanna meet Jim Carrey?” ”No, I want some big titties in my face. ” my last wish, come on.” That’s right, man. That’s right, we got AIDS out there. You think they’re gonna cure AIDS? No, they can’t even cure athlete’s foot. They ain’t curing AIDS. Shit, they ain’t never curing AIDS. Don’t even think about that shit. They ain’t curing it, ’cause there ain’t no money in the cure. The money’s in the medicine. That’s how you get paid, on the comeback. That’s how a drug dealer makes his money, on the comeback. That’s all the government is: a bunch of motherfucking drug dealers, on the comeback. They ain’t curing no AIDS. That’s all it is. You think they’re gonna cure AIDS? They’re still mad at all the money they lost on polio! Curing AIDS? Shit, that’s like Cadillac making a car that lasts for years. And you know they can do it… but they ain’t gonna do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the space shuttle that can go around the moon… and withstand temperatures of up to degrees. You mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an Eldorado… where the fucking bumper don’t fall off? They can, but they won’t. So what they will do with AIDS is the same thing they do with everything else. They will figure out a way for you to live with it. They don’t cure shit, they just patch it up. Get you to the next stop, so they can get more of your money. They ain’t gonna cure it. Hopefully, in our lifetime, you’re gonna see somebody go: ”Yo, man, you weren’t at work yesterday. What’s up?” ”My AIDS is acting up. ”You know, when the weather get like this, my AIDS just pop up. ”But I took some Robitussin. I’m fine now!” That’s right, man. AIDS is scary, man. I took my AIDS test, passed it, got . You know what’s scary about the AIDS test? What’s scary is you don’t get the results back for five days. Five days, that’s a long time. And you know what happens in those five days? You start reflecting. You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass… questionable piece of sex you ever had… and everybody got a few. And you’re like, ”God, what the fuck was I thinking? ” . She didn’t even have teeth! ”Oh, God! ”What the fuck was on my mind?” like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes. ”Remember me? I’m ltchy, the stripper from Miami.” You know what else happens after you take an AIDS test? You start calling up people to see if they’re alive. -”Hello, can I speak to Lisa?” -”This is Lisa.” -”Hello, can I speak to Tammy?” -”Tammy dead.” ”What happened?” ”She got hit by a bus.” ”Thank the Lord! Yes! ”Go Greyhound! ”Yeah, she got hit by a bus!” ”Livin’ la vida loca!” At least they’re still working on AIDS. At least they’re trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases, they just gave up on. There’s some diseases, if you get them, you on your own. They ain’t gonna have no telethon for you… R. Kelly ain’t singing no song. You just got this shit, that’s right. You get paralyzed, they don’t got shit for you. Look at Christopher Reeve, paralyzed. Superman can’t walk. What kind of sorry-ass shit is that? Superman can’t walk. What’s next? What the fuck! Aquaman gonna drown in the tub? What the fuck kind of injustice is this? Superman can’t walk. The Hulk gonna get the gout? What the fuck! Superman can’t walk. Now you go tell a doctor you paralyzed, they don’t got shit for you. ”Doc, I’m paralyzed. What you got?” ”Why don’t you take this chair and roll your ass around town?” ”ls that all the fuck you got is a goddamn chair? ”Where do I take this prescription, to a furniture store, motherfucker? ”I gotta go to IKEA? What the fuck is this shit? ”I said I can’t walk. I didn’t say I can’t sit!” That’s right. And if you go blind, they don’t got shit for you. Look at Stevie Wonder, been blind for -something years… got all the money in the world. Don’t know if he got hundreds or ones! It’s just a stack to Stevie. They don’t got…. Stevie can’t see shit. Can’t see the day, the night, the shadow, the shade, can’t even get a peek! Just a peek. Can we help Stevie get a peek? Get a fucking peek! The man wrote Songs in the Key of Life, Talking Book, Innervisions. Can we get this brother a peek? Just a fucking peek! ls that asking for too much? Just a…. That’s it. You tell the doctor you’re blind, he don’t got shit for you. ”Doc, I’m blind. What you got?” ”Why don’t you take this dog and have the dog drag your blind ass around town?” ”That’s all the fuck you got, is a damn dog? Man, if I could see, I would whup your ass! ”A fucking dog! What the fuck is wrong with you? ”Come on, give me a midget or something!” That’s right, blind people should get midgets. All blind people should get midgets. hard enough living life when you’re blind. Now they gotta learn how to talk dog. What kind of shit is that? You can’t see, so you can’t read the dog’s lips. You just listen. ”What, my shoelace untied? What?” ”ls it cold outside? What?” ”Is somebody at the door? What, motherfucker?” Just give blind people midgets. And if you’re a midget, it’s already hard enough to get a job. Just have the midget tell the blind man where to go. Be a seeing-eye man. Just walk in front of the blind man like, ”Yo, man, you gotta make a left. ”Just make a left, brother.” Racism everywhere, everybody pissed off. Black people yelling, ”Racism.” White people yelling, ”Reverse racism.” Chinese people yelling, ”Sideways racism!” And the Indians ain’t yelling shit ’cause they dead. So everybody bitch about how bad their people got it. Nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everybody need to calm the fuck down. Indians got it bad. Indians got it the worst. You know how bad the Indians got it? When’s the last time you met two Indians? You ain’t never met two Indians. Shit, I have seen a polar bear ride a fucking tricycle in my lifetime. I have never seen an Indian family that’s chilling out at Red Lobster. Never seen it. Everybody wanna save the environment. Shit, I see trees every fucking day! I don’t never see no Indians. I went to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. They didn’t have enough Indians for that shit. They had a bunch of Pilgrims. When it came time for the Indians, they had three real Indians… and the rest was a bunch of Puerto Ricans with feathers in their hair. What the fuck! Shit, I know Puerto Ricans when I see them. You can’t slip a Puerto Rican by me. That’s not Pocahontas, that’s Jennifer Lopez! Racism everywhere. Who’s the maddest people? White people. Not y’all. Y’all all right. You paid money to see me, we cool. The feud is over. No, you watch the TV, watch Minutes. You see white people pissed off, man. Man, the white man thinks he’s losing the country. You watch the news: ”We’re losing everything. We’re fucking losing. ”Affirmative action, and illegal aliens… ”and we’re fucking losing the country.” Losing? Shut the fuck up. White people ain’t losing shit. lf y’all losing, who’s winning? It ain’t us. It ain’t us. Have you driven around this motherfucker? It ain’t us. Shit, there ain’t a white man in this room that would change places with me. None of you would change places with me. And I’m rich! That’s how good it is to be white. There’s a white, one-legged busboy in here right now… that won’t change places with my black ass. He’s going, ”No, man, I don’t wanna switch. I wanna ride this white thing out. ”See where it takes me.” That’s right, ’cause when you white, the sky’s the limit. When you black, the limit’s the sky! That’s right, man. Now, when it comes to racism… do you know who the most racist people are for real, the real most racist people? Old black men. You find a brother over …. I know you white people know an old black man. You go, ”Willie at the job, he’s so nice.” Willie hates your guts. There’s nothing more racist than an old black man. You know why? ‘Cause an old black man went through some real racism. He didn’t go through that l-can’t-get-a-cab shit. He was the cab. A white man just jump on his back, ”Main Street. ”Left, n i g g e r! ”Left, you fucking n i g g e r!” You know what’s wild about the old black men? An old black man, he ain’t gonna let you fuck up his money. Whenever an old black man sees an old white man… the old black man always kisses the old white man’s ass. ”How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you. Whatever I can get you, you let me know.” As soon as the white man get out of sight, he’s like: ”Cracker-ass cracker! ”I’ll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! ”l wish that cracker would’ve said some shit to me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker! ”Cracker, kiss my ass, you fucking cracker!” The white man come back. ”Howdy, sir?” I got an uncle real crazy. My uncle B., years old, hates the white people, married to a white lady. And he sits around going, ”These crackers ain’t shit, except for Susie.” He tried to explain the whole thing to me one day. He said, ”Yeah, I got a white wife. I love her, she love me. That’s all that matters. ”But I’ll tell you this: if the revolution ever come, I’ll kill her first… ”just to show these crackers I mean business! ”Motherfucker, cracker-ass, motherfucker cracker! Shit, cracker, motherfucker! ”Hi, honey. ”Motherfucker cracker. I’ll kill my cracker kids, too!” That’s right, man. I don’t know, black…. What do we need, y’all? I think we need a new leader. We ain’t had a black leader in a while. In a long time. Somebody that moves you. You know, we had Martin Luther King, Malcolm X… and ever since then, a bunch of substitute teachers. We ain’t had the real thing. I want a motherfucker to move me. Who we got? Let me break everybody down. We got Al Sharpton, all right. Al Sharpton’s all right. He ain’t Malcolm or Martin… but if you get your ass whupped by the cops, he’s the guy to call. Of course, Al kind of looks like Bookman from Good Times… but don’t let that fuck you up. Who else we got? Jesse Jackson. Jesse’s all right. Jesse went over there, Jesse got them hostages. I don’t know how the hell he did that shit. He went over there with no money, no sweet potato pie. What the fuck did Jesse say? Jesse must’ve been, like: ”Do you want the United States to really be mad at you? ”Give the hostages to me.” That’s what he said, you know. What else we got? Farrakhan? Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don’t like the Jews, which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop… and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don’t hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don’t got time to dice white people up into little groups. ”I hate everybody! I don’t care if you just got here.” -”Hey, I’m Romanian.” -”You Romanian cracker!” We need a fucking leader, man. When we got no leaders, when something happens… we make the shit bigger than it is. big, but don’t make it bigger than it is. I’m watching the news, and like, ”Tupac Shakur was assassinated. ”Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin’s bullets.” I’m like, ”No, they wasn’t!” Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two n i g g e r s got shot. Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday. I don’t think you’ll see their pictures hanging up… in your grandmamma’s living room. ”That’s Abraham, Martin, and Pac. ”And right here, I got one of Jesus and Biggie on the seesaw. ”Jesus always in the air.” We need a leader. You know who I think the black leader should be? -Who I think the black leader should be? -Who? Pat Riley. Coach Pat Riley. No man has led more black men to the promised land… than Coach Pat Riley. He may not get us to the mountaintop, but he’ll get us to the playoffs. And that’s all we want. We got a lot of women here tonight. Love the women. You know who my favorite women are? Big, fat, black women. Give me a sister about pounds. The best people in the whole world. You know why? ‘Cause we live in a society where nobody likes who the fuck they are. Everybody’s on Prozac, or some shit. Everybody’s getting cosmetic surgery. Nobody likes who the fuck they are except fat, black women. Fat, black women don’t give a fuck what you think. She’s going out on Friday night. She got an outfit on. That shit match. She got the pumps on, and the pump fat coming out the pump. That’s right. lt looks like they baking bread in her shoe. ”Baby, your foot ready yet? I’ll just sprinkle some cinnamon on it.” That’s right. She got an anklet on, and that anklet’s holding on for dear life. Black women don’t give a fuck. She’s like, ”I’m sexy. ”I am sexy, yes, I am! ”l am the sexiest motherfucker here tonight! ”Yeah, I got a gut. There’s some good pussy under this gut!” That’s right. You want some of this so you can ”livin’ la vida loca!” Love the women, man. Women, women. What the fuck do y’all want? Do you know what you want? Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Do you know? What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything. That’s every woman’s answer: ”Everything.” Women want every fucking thing. Women act like life was just a big sale, or shit. ”I want to get the most shit before things close down.” That’s what fucking life is to a woman: everything. You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That’s it. Food, sex, silence. ”Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up!” Our goals seem very attainable, don’t they? Women, it’s hard to figure women out. It’s hard being a guy. We always think we can buy sex. ”If I take her here, she’ll give me some. If I buy her this, she’ll give me some.” Nothing get you nothing. A woman knows if she’s gonna fuck you within the first five minutes of meeting you. Women know right away. They’re shaking hands like, ”I’m gonna fuck him. ”I hope he don’t say nothing too stupid.” That’s right, fellas, don’t say nothing too stupid… because women are all about the mood. If she’s in the mood to fuck you, shut up and let it happen. ‘Cause if you say the wrong thing, them panties are coming up mighty fast. ”What’d you say?” She be on the phone with a girlfriend, ”Yeah, I was gonna give him some… ”but he just started talking. ”I hate a yakking man, child.” That’s right, man. Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie. ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act… sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. That’s right. Who are the biggest liars, men or women? -Men! -Women! Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies. Men, we lie all the time. We lie so much, it’s damn near a language. like, to call a man out for lying… is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him for double dribble. You gotta let some shit slide. Men, we lie all the time. You know what a man’s lie is like? A man’s lie is like, ”I was at Tony’s house. ”I’m at Kenny’s house.” That’s a man’s lie. A women’s lie is like, ” your baby.” We’ve all heard that one. ”It don’t even look like me.” ”He’s got your hat.” That’s right. Who the biggest liars? Women the biggest liars. Look at you, all of you. You’re a fucking liar. You! You’re a liar! You’re all liars. All of you are fucking liars! Masters of the lie, the visual lie. Look at you. You got on heels, you ain’t that tall. You got on makeup, your face don’t look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain’t that long. You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain’t that big. Everything about you is a lie, and you expect me to tell the truth? Fuck you! Men lie, we live lies. That’s why we so crazy. Every now and then, we catch ourselves living a lie. We create a whole lie-world around us. For instance, every man in this room is hiding some porno in his house. Every man in here got a pornography stash in the crib. That’s right. Not an illegal amount, just enough to get you by. Thank you. And when we hide porno, we go all out. It ain’t behind the refrigerator or under the bed. No, we become Batman when it’s time to hide some porno. That’s right, you hit the light switch, the whole bookshelf shifts to the side. You go down two flights of stairs into your porno cellar. Janet Jackme, Kobe Tai, Jenna Jameson, that’s right. But women always find the porno. But they don’t find it in the porno hiding place. Oh, no. Where do women find the porno at? In the VCR. And fellas are like, ”Damn, how can I be so dumb to leave it in the VCR?” I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause when you’re jerking off, you ain’t in your right state of mind. Your brain’s all cloudy and foggy. I’ll tell you exactly what happened. One day, your woman left early. You had the whole house to yourself. So you said, ”Let me get a little jerk before work.” So you in the house, getting your jerk on. Nice good jerk, too. You know, that ain’t-nobody-in-the-house jerk. That’s a good jerk. It ain’t like that somebody-in-the-next-room jerk. That’s a bad jerk. That’s like, ”Who’s that?” I don’t like that jerk. I’m talking about the good jerk, that nobody-ain’t-home jerk. So you get the Vaseline ready… and you just look at your dick and go: ”Scream if you want to. No one’s gonna hear.” And right then, your relationship’s in trouble. That’s right. ‘Cause if you can’t share what you’re like, you’ll have problems. When you love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can’t just love the white part of the bread. You gotta love the crust, the crumbs, the tiny crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That’s what the real motherfucker is. Whatever you into, your woman gotta be into, too, and vice versa… or the shit ain’t gonna work. lt ain’t gonna work. That’s right. lf you born-again, your woman gotta be born-again, too. lf you a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead, too… or the shit won’t work. You can’t be like, ”I’m going to church, where you going?” ”Hit the pipe!” That relationship ain’t going nowhere. Two crackheads can stay together forever. That’s right, what’s gonna happen? They’re gonna stop fucking, that’s right. They’ll stop talking, stop fucking. You ever been in bed with your woman, both talking dirty, and you go too far? You ever say some shit that gets you kicked out of bed? And the woman’s like, ”Fuck me, harder! Fuck me, Daddy, spank me!” ”All right, you ho.” ”Who you calling a ho? ”Who the fuck are you calling a ho? Untie me!” I ain’t no expert or no shit, but, fellas, if you’re gonna talk dirty to your woman… you got to talk with authority. You can get a woman to do any nasty little thing you want. You say that shit like a man, make a little eye contact… put a little bass in your voice, she will do that shit. She wants to do that shit. She’s dying to do that shit. Your woman is nastier than you ever imagined. But you gotta come correct… because anything you mumble ain’t getting done. You can’t be in bed all unsure, like, ”Excuse me…. ”Excuse me, I was wondering…. ”Ma’am, I have a request. Could you lick my balls?” ”I ain’t licking nothing. Lick your own balls!” See, if you just said it right, you’d been in there. Now you got dry balls. That’s right, confidence always wins. Do you realize, it is some women still don’t give head? Ninety-fucking-nine. Whenever I meet a girl that doesn’t give head… I look at them like a damn Betamax, ”They still make you?” And when it comes to head, there’s three types of women: A: Women that don’t give head. Bye, leave, see you. B: Women that give you just enough head to shut you up. You ever meet them women? They’re like, ”You okay?” I hate them women! And number three, my favorite woman: the woman that likes nothing better than to suck a dick. That’s right, God bless all of you! That’s right, you make the world a better place to live in. I want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote’s in it! Like you trying to get some Robitussin out of that motherfucker! That’s right. Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? ‘Cause at some point you just stop talking. That’s right, everybody stops talking after a while. You know how it is. You come home and you start nodding. ”Yeah, we cool. ”I’m gonna get a little something to eat.” Why do you stop talking? ‘Cause at some point, you have heard everything this person has to say… and it makes you sick to your stomach. You know what they’re gonna say before it even comes out their mouth… and you just wanna stab them in the neck with a pencil! Your can’t take the shit no more! And they’re like, ”Remember that time?” ”Yeah, I remember that time!” -”I ever tell you about–” -”Yeah, you told me about that time! ”Stop telling me the same shit over and over again! ”Why don’t you go out and get kidnapped, have some new shit happen to you?” That’s right. Fellas, you gotta talk. That’s women’s biggest complaint: ”You don’t talk. ”You need to talk, let’s talk. You don’t talk.” That’s right. Women love to talk. lf they had talking in the Olympics, a man wouldn’t stand a chance. Women love to talk, but they wanna talk to you. They wanna talk to their man. But women don’t want you to talk-talk. Women just want you to listen-listen. All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions… that will allow her to run her fucking mouth! You set her up, she’ll knock them down. Fellas, you want your woman to be happy? All you got to say is, ”How was your day? ”Honey, how was your day?” Know why? ‘Cause ”How was your day?” is a minute conversation to a woman. And as a man, you don’t really gotta talk. You gotta just act like you’re talking. ”Get out of here. Go on! I don’t believe it. ”You don’t say! Really? Get out of here! ”Go on. I don’t believe it. You don’t say? Get out of here. ”l told you that bitch crazy!” You gotta throw in, ”l told you that bitch crazy.” You know why? ‘Cause every woman’s got another woman at her job that she can’t stand. Women, y’all exaggerate everything. You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like: ”She’s trying to destroy me!” What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney’s! What’s she doing, ripping up your paper? Fellas, you gotta talk. Women, exact opposite. Y’all gotta learn when not to talk. That’s right. You ever notice how no man comes home straight from work? No man comes home straight from work. A man get off work, he got to go somewhere. He got to drink something, he got to smoke something… he got to watch the game, he got to hang with his boys… he got to take a drive. He got to do something that will mentally prepare him… for all the talking he gonna hear when he get home. Ladies, it ain’t that you talk too much. You just talk too much as soon as we get in the fucking door. Let a man get situated. We don’t need to hear everything right away. Soon as you take one step in, ”You’re not gonna believe this….” Let me get my other foot in the fucking door! Let me get something to eat! Let me get something to drink! Let me take a shit! Go in the fucking kitchen and get me my big piece of chicken! I’m out of here. Thank you, New York!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RUSSELL BRAND: MESSIAH COMPLEX (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-brand-messiah-complex-2013-full-transcript/

♪♪ (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪♪ (man speaking German) (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen… Russell Brand. ♪♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone who hears your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪♪ (cheers and applause) Hello, everyone! I’m really happy to be with you here in London. I’m from near here. I’m happy to be with you. Are you all right? – Do you feel basically – benevolent? You’re really near the stage for that level of enthusiasm. I’m really, really happy to be in London. I’ve been traveling around a lot. I’ve been in America a lot. So I’m incredibly grateful to be here. – I’ve spent a lot of time – in airports. Dealing with airport security has made me think actually have we not considered that with the world perhaps on the precipice of another Middle Eastern war, with environmental and economical disasters all around us, isn’t it possible that airport security have taken possession of fruit a bit fucking seriously? Have you got any fruit? – Have you been near fruit, – have you seen fruit? Remember those Munch Bunch commercials? You smell zesty. I got a pretty impressive criminal record for drugs. Hard drugs. Man drugs. I’m not keen to add to my charge sheet “was arrested on suspicion of fruit smuggling.” I don’t want to wind up in Wormwood Scrubs with me new cellmates. “Yeah, I fucking killed some cunt to get in here.” “I ran a pretty successful crime organization. What did you do?” “I smuggled a bunch of bananas into this country! “And I’d do it again, I would! I ain’t learned a thing!” I don’t do that voice often ’cause it comes to me too easily. (cheers and applause) – Yeah, I know, – I feel it too. Ah… “Messiah Complex.” – This is my show, – this is the image. It was designed by the American street artist Shepard Fairey. Messiah complex is a psychological condition wherein the sufferer believes themselves to be Jesus Christ, the messianic figure sent to Earth to save humanity. – Why would you be interested – in that subject, Russell? You’re such an unassuming, well-balanced young man. Well, my interest has been piqued by the knowledge that there is a mental hospital in Jerusalem with a ward exclusively dedicated to sufferers of the messiah complex. Don’t you think that’s a bit of a cruel thing to do to someone who thinks they’re Jesus… Put them in a room full of other people who also think that they are Jesus? – That’s going to cause conflict, – surely. “Oh, what a day it is to be the Son of God in Jerusalem’s holy city.” – “Ooh, I’m going to have to stop – you there, brother. “For it is I that wear the thorny crown and bear the golden chalice of our Lord.” “Oh, my brother, you are mistaken. – “You are sick – with a malady. “But I heal thee. I heal thee, I heal thee.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken.” “You are mistaken. But I forgive you.” “Oh, well-played!” What social, cultural conditions would require someone to conjure a Christ of the mind? What is lacking from our society where people are in so much desperate need for something to believe in they create their own personal Jesus in their heads? Well, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche famously said… All right, um, I should warn you at this point, okay, there’s clever things in this show, okay? Uh, don’t worry about it. – Maybe you are – a clever person – And you’ll already know – the clever thing, In which case you’ll get the warm, clever-person glow of knowing something, like the first few seconds of wetting yourself. “Oh, I knew the clever thing. – I already knew that – clever thing.” (mumbling) Or maybe you won’t know the clever thing, – you know, but don’t feel – embarrassed about this Because, you know, I only know this stuff because someone took the time to tell me. Just because I know and you don’t know, – it doesn’t mean – I’m better than you, – It just means I’m different – from you In a way that’s better. The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “God is dead.” Well, what are the repercussions of such a statement? The implications are that – there is nothing that we can – believe in That isn’t tangible and palpable, that can’t be described and understood by our senses. We can only believe in that which we can understand. To this, the British writer G.K. Chesterton responded, the death of God doesn’t mean that man will believe in nothing, but that he will believe in anything. Ooh. This means there is a vacuum of belief. What has fallen into this vacuum of belief? Well, I would argue one thing is the phenomenon of celebrity, where we have a pantheon of celebrities that we overvalue, over-worship, overpay, over-extol the virtues of, celebrate unduly. Now I’m aware of some hypocrisy at this point because I am a celebrity. – I’ve not come to London to moan – about celebrity, Not in these fantastic boots! I’m not complaining about a cultural ideology that has plucked me from a life of poverty and obscurity and dropped me into a life that’s kind of like a tumble dryer filled with tits and money. Like a crystal maze filled with vaginas. Keep that for later. I’m just saying what cultural consequences are impacting us as a result of that ideology? – That my friends are all kind of – normal people, – They are – impressed by celebrity. My mate Mick, for example… Mick is a very, uh, heavy person in body and mind and manner of, uh, speaking. He speaks in a slow, uh, faltering voice, as if he’s about to, uh, say something, uh, important, then he, uh, doesn’t. – But you will not fully – appreciate the phenomenon of Mick without seeing him, so here is a photograph of the moment Mick met Usher. (audience laughing) The reason this image is significant is because when it is discovered by extraterrestrial archaeologists picking through the wreckage of our civilization, they will assume that it was Usher that asked for that photo to be taken. Look at Usher. He’s all enthusiastic. He’s leaning in. Mick looks like he’s forgotten what’s happening. I would argue that this is because Mick has no integral relationship with Usher, his music or his dancing. He just acknowledges that Usher is famous and fame is a commodity to be craved. Now am I influenced by those ideas, me, as a person who has access to fame? – I thought surely not, I’ve done – too much work on meself. But then I remembered the Olympics, right? – ‘Cause when it was – announced that the Olympics Would be held in our country, I was very cynical. – I was like… – (scoffing) Fuck that shit. Sport is sanitized war. It’s a festival of propaganda designed to distract us from what’s truly important to keep us spellbound and docile, passive consumers reduced to nonentities, inactive – and not participating – in our society. But when the Olympics started and we won a few medals, I got so influenced and into it that by the closing ceremony of the games, I was fucking in it. Dressed as Willy Wonka on top of a bus, signing “I Am the Walrus.” – Doing a fucking – mobile! By then I didn’t want to hear anybody talking negatively about the Olympics. – “Hey, you realize this is – distracting us from wars.” I’ll fucking do a war on you – if you don’t get behind these – Olympics. Best thing that’s happened to this country! The day after that, a moment of which I was temporarily quite proud. I got a phone call from Noel Gallagher. (audience cheering) – Well, I hope you’re still – cheering him After this hurtful comment. He goes… left an answering phone message. “Well, well, well. “Two weeks of glory and how does it all end? “Old Mr. Skinny Legs on top of a bus murdering The fucking Beatles.” I don’t care about things like nation, concepts such as nations don’t mean anything to me. It’s an artificial construct. I don’t care about hierarchal systems such as the monarchy. For me, it’s a meaningless form of social control. But during the Olympics, – I don’t know – what happened to me. I was on a chat show, – the producer – came in and asked me, “Russell, in the next dressing room, “we’ve got two lady gold medalists, Olympic rowers. – Would you like to – meet them?” I said, “Yes! Yes, I would, ma’am!” – “Who are you – calling ma’am?” “The queen!” “Is she here?” “No, she’s here in my heart!” Because in that moment, I felt connected to the Olympic games, I felt connected to those lady Olympic rowers, I felt connected to the nation, – I felt connected to – the child, The tangled, broken boy I’d once been. All these phenomenon suddenly is linked as inextricably as the rings of the Olympic logo. Sounds quite good, doesn’t it? – Let’s see – what it looked like. (audience laughing) I look like an evil Jesus Mr. T. “I pity the fool who don’t get behind these Olympic games. I do, I pity them.” – My mate Matt, when he saw that – photograph, Said to me, “At what point – “did you take – your shirt off? And why?” – And the answer is, of course, – I recognized That the gold medals were the epicenter of the attention. I want to be the epicenter of the attention. That means I gotta get the medals then one-up them. – Shirt off plus medal trumps – just medals. I win. See Brian May in the top corner? He looks like he’s trying to explain what’s happening. “This is a confusing one. – “Okay, well, Russell, he’s an – extrovert character. – “He’s got excited, – he’s took his top off. – “Freddy would have done – the same thing. – We called him – Mr. Fahrenheit.” The problem with having an image such as this one in our shared cultural archive is that I look so fucking mental that this photo can be used to retrospectively validate anything that I might get accused of. What can I be accused of that seems implausible now that photo exists? “Hey, hey, did you hear? “Russell Brand’s been caught going into supermarkets and masturbating into the yogurts.” “Well, don’t be ridiculous. Why would anybody do that? That’s absurd.” – “Well, have – you seen this photo?” – “Fucking hell! – He does it! – “He’s addicted – to cock yogurt! “He thinks his balls are a dairy! – He stirs it in – with the tip.” – “Hey, you know, they found out – what’s causing global warming.” – “What is it, – corporate irresponsibility – And an inability to act on an – international level?” – “No, no, no, – it’s fucking Russell Brand.” “Don’t be stupid. – How can Russell Brand cause – global warming?” “Have you seen this photo?” “Ahh! “What’s he plotting behind those eyes? “What is he building in there? – What is he – building in there?” So how have I gone from a position where I was indifferent and indeed cynical about the Olympic games to being so fucking excited about it – that I’ve took me – top off on one day – And dressed up as Willy Wonka – on another? Well, because I received an alternative cultural narrative. What is informing me, what’s telling me the story of what the Olympics means? It is, of course… that’s a rhetorical question – I just done there… – Don’t know if you saw it. It is our media. It’s our media that tells us our stories, the stories we believe about ourselves and one another. Um, organizations like the “Daily Mail.” I don’t like the “Daily Mail” very much. Yeah, thanks. (chuckling) – Yeah, I didn’t feel like – I was really Going out on a limb there. – Friend of – mine once said, “Tyranny is the deliberate removal of nuance,” – meaning that things – are kind of complicated, – You have to think a little bit – to understand them. – But in the world of – the “Daily Mail,” Things are either good or bad, black or white… Preferably white. Another thing that the “Daily Mail” will do is they remove information from a context where it’s perfectly harmless and innocuous and resituate the information to cause the maximum damage possible. Here is an example of them doing it to me. I’d done this interview for “Rolling Stone” magazine once, – right, and they asked me a kind – of cute question. – “Hey, Russell, – what advice would you give to Any young pop stars out there?” – I thought this isn’t – a serious question, – I’m not meant to go, “Keep your – teeth clean, take your vitamins, – Write a letter to your mum – every day.” Right? It’s clearly a joke question that requires a joke answer. So I went inside of my brain, which has never really been my ally, to look for a joke answer. Here is the joke answer my brain come up with. Advice for young pop stars? – I think they should – all take heroin, – ’cause all my – favorite musicians did. Then… then my brain added… With a final flourish… Also, heroin is quite a strong drug and it will weed out a lot of the weaker ones. “Justin Bieber should take heroin,” says Brand! Without a trace of humor. – Like as if I’d done – a fucking press conference. – All right, everyone, thanks for – coming, thanks for coming. – All right, yeah, just sit there, – there’s a handout… Nice to see you again. – Is this on, – is this on, yeah? Thanks. – Justin Bieber should take – heroin! No further questions! They know I was joking, but they elect to render the information in a humorless way to create the most damage. I wouldn’t mind if it was like, they genuinely didn’t realize it was a fucking joke. But this is not what happened at the “Daily Mail” offices. Way down deep in the belly of the Earth at the “Daily Mail” where the demons lurk, virgins hanging on the wall, Hitler hails in the belly of the Earth at the “Daily Mail.” This is not what happened. – And you’ll like this bit ’cause – I do some acting here. I’m very good actor and I refute the charge that I’m not and that I’m always the same in every film I’m in… (cheers and applause) playing a version of myself perhaps with a hat on. Here is some acting. “Come in to my office where I am the editor of ‘The Daily Mail.'” – Sometimes a character will – speak in exposition To move the plot along. “Boss, I’ve had some terrible news!” “I can see that from your expertly rendered “facial expressions. “But first, I must finish the copy for tomorrow’s “front page of ‘The Daily Mail.’ “No immigrants, obviously. – “No gays, that’s disgusting, – isn’t it? Ed Miliband’s dad’s a bit of cunt, isn’t he?” “It’s Russell Brand!” – “Oh, that prick, – what’s he done now?” “He said… he said… he said that Justin Bieber should take heroin!” “Ooh, that is bad. “Was he acting, though? – “‘Cause he could have been – acting. – “He’s a very good actor, – isn’t he, Russell Brand? Maybe he was doing the acting that he does?” “I don’t think so, boss. Maybe he was joking?” – “Hmm, what, – a professional comedian – “who’s also a recovering – heroin addict? “No, no, no. “This bears all the hallmarks of the beginning of a campaign “to get vulnerable young pop figures onto hard drugs. “We gotta stop him now – “before he gives crack to – One Direction “and starts jacking up the royal baby. – “Also, I’ve seen some – pretty compelling evidence – “that he’s going into – supermarkets – “and wanking – into the yogurts. The guy’s a menace.” I don’t want to be part of their corrosive, corrupted narrative so I’m stepping outside of it. If you have a story, you’re going to need heroes. Here are the heroes that I have selected. – Tonight I want to – explain to you Why I love these heroes so much, why they are so important and I also want to subtly imply to you that I am a little bit like them. So watch out for that. – That’s going to be – fun for you. First hero. Gandhi. Now Gandhi I admire very much because he’s the pioneer of nonviolent protest and the ingenious form of public insurrection that makes it very hard for oppressors to control you or arrest you. – “I can’t seem to – arrest Gandhi. He’s gone all limp.” Brilliant. He’s inspired. – I also admire Gandhi because he – successfully united The Hindu and Muslim populations against the imperial invading force that were colonially exploiting India. It doesn’t matter who that country was. That is an irrelevant detail. Let’s just assume they were trying their hardest. My second hero, Che Guevara. I love Che Guevara because he gave up the life of an Argentinean aristocrat to live the life of a guerilla warrior in the Cuban jungles, fighting for the people. My next hero, Malcolm X. I admire Malcolm X because he is a great orator who told a new story to a subjugated class of people and elevated their consciousness and changed their destiny. And Jesus I like because I think I look a bit like him. All four of these men of course have one thing in common, they are all martyrs. – Gandhi, – shot dead. Che Guevara, shot dead. Malcolm X, shot dead. Jesus, I don’t know how he died. I mean, there’s no real information available on that subject. – I’m not going to spend my life – doing research. I’m a busy, sexy man. Jesus was of course crucified, which makes it all the more intriguing for in this picture, he’s wearing a crucifix necklace. Incredible foresight from Jesus there. Remarkable perspicacity from Jesus in this instance. “Hey, Jesus, what’s the, uh, – what’s the crucifix necklace – all about?” “You’ll see. Spoiler alert!” Would these men have garnered such emblematic potency if they had not died at the insistence of the state by the hand of the assassin but had died in the manner that I was reported to have done earlier this year? Yeah, I was pretty confused when I read that. The afterlife’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Basically, the same as before, just me Googling my own name. Here’s the story. “Actor Russell… “Brilliant actor Russell Brand, star of stage and screen… – “Actor Russell Brand – died today Shortly after a snowboarding accident.” – This bit’s pretty insensitive, – I think. Check it. “The actor, a novice snowboarder…” Don’t put that as number two – of the things – I’m fucking known for. Snowboarding. – “Oh, what did he want to be – remembered for?” “His snowboarding.” I just fucking died of snowboarding! Don’t make the fucking manner of my death the lynchpin of my legacy. Digging me out. “Elvis Presley died today. The singer and relaxed defecator…” He died on the toilet trying his hardest. – “Michael Jackson – died today. The entertainer and heavy sleeper…” Huh? “Today we lost Lady Diana, princess, tunnel explorer…” What? Ooh… I’m saying don’t say that. I’m saying it to say don’t say it. – I’m saying it so… – That actually happened. Look, someone said that. I’m saying this merely as a warning to say don’t say it. It’s like if anything, I’m sucking that concept out of the air into my body. – So in a way – it didn’t happen. Is this real? Are we in a vortex? – Is this – a parallel realm? Am I going to wake up in a ditch in Croydon tomorrow with my finger in my ass? What happened?! Wouldn’t be the first time. Diana is an important cultural figure as an archetype because of the way she appears in the narrative of her fame at different evolutionary points. Each of these points, female sexuality, you will notice, is either repressed or maligned as this is a necessary component of a misogynistic, patriarchal society. – When she first came to – prominence, she was rendered as The archetype of the virgin. Oh, Diana, see-through skirt. In the second archetype, she appears as the divine mother when she done them princes. In the third archetype, when her marriage broke down, she was rendered as the archetype of the whore! – Remember that, when her – marriage broke down? In fact, at the time her marriage broke down, – all the “Daily Mail” – wanted to talk about was, “How come she’s going out with that brown Muslim geezer? Why is one of them princes ginger?” Then… when she died… “She fucking what? Good-bye, England’s rose!” – Now she is rendered – as the fourth Available archetype, the martyr. The saint. “Death makes angels of us all “and gives us wings where we had shoulders, smooth as raven’s claws,” said Jim Morrison. Meaning that death has the power to sanitize, cleanse and help us to reevaluate the way we see people. Another example of this is of course Michael Jackson, who I earlier mentioned. – I love – Michael Jackson. I always loved Michael Jackson. – I think he’s – a great guy. – Yeah, yeah, some people here – love Michael too. Why not? – But do you remember there was – a time in the story of Michael Jackson where it wasn’t okay to love him no more? – Just before he died, – remember that? I loved Michael straight through that dip because me, I think, in the case of genius, you’ve gotta separate a man’s work from his hobbies. Anyway, we don’t even know if he done anything, do we? Let’s be honest. – We don’t know that – anything happened. We do know that he gave a $20 million out-of-court settlement to that kid Jordie Chandler. – Does seem like a lot of money – to give to a kid Who you didn’t fuck. – “Why’d you give – that kid $20 million?” “I didn’t fuck him!” – “I didn’t – say you did! Who’s saying you fucked him?” – “Well, I just so clearly didn’t – fuck him. – “Giving $20 million – to a lot of kids. – “Here you go, here you go, – here you go. “Hee-hee, hee-hee-hee! Don’t go!” Human heroes are incapable of fulfilling their roles – of gods – ’cause they are flawed. They are not distilled divine qualities as gods are supposed to be, but flawed, even in the case of truly great men like Gandhi. Gandhi, as close to a secular saint as is possible to be. Gandhi, author of the great maxim, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” – meaning if you – want a more peaceful world, Be a more peaceful guy. If you want a world free from oppression, be a guy – who don’t go around – oppressing people. I love Gandhi for many reasons. One of the main ones… Very consistent wardrobe. – He’d be a shit contemporary – celebrity. “So what was Gandhi wearing on the carpet tonight, John?” – “He’s wearing – a fucking blanket, isn’t he? “He’s always wearing a blanket. – “I don’t know why you – send me out here. – “It’s not that interesting, – I don’t know, it’s a blanket. It’s a normal blanket he’s always got on.” I’m going to tell you something about Gandhi now. You won’t like it. – You’ll feel a feeling – in your tummy, – Then you’ll – blame me for that feeling. It ain’t my fault. I love Gandhi. – I just want us all to be honest – with each other, okay? So remember while I’m telling you this, I love Gandhi. This show isn’t called “Gandhi: What a Wanker.” I love him. – But we’ve got to deal with – truth, haven’t we? So let’s try and do it. Now, Gandhi, he was often arrested for revolutionary activity inside of India and consequently imprisoned. His wife, a loyal woman, – who he married when she was just – 13 years of age… Let’s park that, one thing at a time… Would often go to prison with Gandhi and serve the sentence with him. One time while they two of ’em are banged up, Mrs. Gandhi gets very ill. – The British doctors – visit her at her bedside. – They say, “You’re very ill, – Mrs. Gandhi. “Fortunately, we can heal you – using our modern pharmaceutical – techniques.” Gandhi says, “No, no, no, no, no, we’re Hindu people. “We only believe in Ayurvedic medicine. – “So we don’t want any of your – modern British Pharmaceutical rubbish.” – Mrs. Gandhi goes, – “Ooh, do I get a say in this?” “Shh, I’ll handle this!” He wouldn’t let her have no medicine. She died. – There’s the feeling – in your tummy. Yeah, Gandhi… – Gandhi “be the change – you want to see in the world – Ben Kingsley ten Oscars dressed – in a blanket” Gandhi… Let his wife die, then two weeks later, as if orchestrated by an invisible karmic force – that designates – and designs all our reality, Gandhi himself gets ill from the very same condition. – The doctors visit – Gandhi at his bedside, go, – “Oh, Gandhi, you’ve got that – thing now, – “but with you being – a Hindu and only believing “in Ayurvedic medicine, – “you won’t want – access to any of our modern – British pharmaceuticals, – will you?” He goes, “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But now that’s it’s me, I will have it.” Ahh! Gandhi, no! Don’t make me think, Gandhi. You bastard. Gandhi was a snide. But I thought about it a little bit – and do you think it could be – that Gandhi understood He had a unique mission to liberate India from tyranny and as such, he was exempt from conventional morality? In the case of greatness with a unique mission, – are you exempt – from conventional morality – Or is that dressing it up – too much? ‘Cause I think this is actually quite a recognizable thing in everybody’s lives. – Men, you will all – understand this. Women, when you hear it, you should feel a flicker of shame – for the way you’ve – treated us. You know what it’s like. – You’re a man, – you’re me. – It’s nighttime, – you’re asleep. Ah, blissful dreams. Free, free from the tyranny and nonsense and lies of the day. Sweet, sweet sleep. “Russell, wake up!” “Hmm, all right. What time is it?” “Doesn’t matter. “Russell, I’ve just heard a noise downstairs in our house. “I think it’s a murderer. “Why don’t you go downstairs “with your face and your life and yourself and that – “and carry out some – investigation “stroke intervention which you are woefully under qualified to enact?” “Can we both go?” “No. Just you.” – “What about for better or for – worse, sickness and health?” – “In case of emergency – downstairs, – You’re on your – fucking own.” So I go downstairs in the scary, spooky all-different-now house, looking for a murderer, – wondering what – I’m going to say to him, Trying to remember sort of self-defense video stuff I’ve seen. – I think you’re meant to be loud – and take the fucking initiative – And that, shouting, – getting loud… “No! – No, don’t murder me, – I’ll murder you!” I have a cat. All the while thinking, why am I down here on my own? She’s up there. She should be here as well. – Like ’cause if I meet a murderer – and something happens And I die, that’s it, there’s no more me. – That’s end – of the me show. Gone, finished, over. If she was here as well, you know, and something happened… that would be really bad, but after an appropriate period of grieving, I could get another fucking wife. I can’t get another life. – Who’s going to carry on – my unique mission, Appearing in films as a version of me with a hat on? It’s vital stuff. So in a way, if you think about it carefully, after what you’ve just heard, isn’t it feasible that I’m a little bit like Gandhi? Yeah? It’s all right. Don’t feel obliged to applause. My ego’s in pretty good shape. – I’m standing on a stage, – comparing myself to Gandhi. What if I had died that night – at the hands of that imaginary – murderer? What if I had died on that fictional ski slope on a pretend snowboard? – What would – my legacy be? What kind of man am I? – What kind of life – have I lived? What are my achievements? Yes, sure, I am four times Shagger of the Year. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it almost makes the title of shagging worthwhile. But that’s not the kind of life that I want to lead. – That’s not the man – that I want to be. That is why I look to great men like Che Guevara for inspiration. – Che Guevara – is a complex figure. – He was a little bit – homophobic. He was somewhat ruthless, but we need only glance at Che to know that that is what a leader should look like. Glorious, glamorous, great hair, great beard, severe stare, intense guy. – That is what – a leader looks like. This isn’t. (cheers and applause) You know when extraterrestrials come to our planet, – you know what they’re – going to say, don’t you? “Take us to your leader.” – We’re going to – take ’em to him. – I’m going to be – embarrassed. They won’t believe us. – “Yeah, – he’s the leader.” “What, this guy? Him? “With the face like a little painted egg? – ‘Cause on our planet, he – wouldn’t be made milk monitor.” Look at him. – How can – he hold up a nation? – He can’t even hold up – his own thumb. “Oh, I think I’ve got me thumb up.” Doesn’t that bother you on a visceral level, as a mammal, that that is your leader? Uh-oh! It’s not right! What’s happened to us? – We’ve forgotten – who we are. Oh no. David Cameron would not die for what he believes in. He’d let us die for what he believes in, but he ain’t like a Che Guevara leader. – Che Guevara, a man who – died for what he believed in. Che Guevara, a man who, while looking down the barrel of a gun – that contained the bullet that – would end his life, Said to the man who was about to shoot him, “Shoot, you coward. – “You’re only – killing a man. – “You can’t kill – the idea. The idea lives on.” The idea to which Che Guevara was referring was communism. Now, I know communism isn’t a very popular idea anymore, – but I looked it up on – the Internet – And it just – means sharing. It’s not that bad. – We tell children – to do it. “Share, you little cunt.” People worry. They all know about… What about Russia? Lack of food, lack of freedom, gulags. – They didn’t do it – properly. They fucked it up. – They didn’t – follow the manual. They misused it. If someone doesn’t use it properly, you can’t blame – the thing itself, – right? That’s not fair. I mostly use my iPad for looking at pornography, right? So that’s not Steve Jobs’ fucking fault, is it? – “Hey, Steve, – this thing’s all clogged up. – “It certainly doesn’t – swipe. “Jesus. It’s like it’s been glazed.” – “Check your warranty, – you pervert.” For me, the travesty with Che Guevara is that he’s been reduced to a meaningless icon because of his unconventional appearance, great hair, great beard. His philosophy has been ignored. – And that for me is a very – great travesty. – I was determined not to ignore – the philosophy of Che Guevara For I want to be inspired. – I want to do something – that I believe in, Something that I understand. What issue could I speak about with authority? I found one. It’s drugs. I know a lot about drugs. – I’ve done a lot of – research. Research. I took a lot of drugs. Drug addict. – “I’m doing research here – in my lab.” “That’s a phone box.” “Get off me. Get off my equipment.” – “Well, – it’s a crack pipe.” – “Take your – hands off me, Officer! “I’m a scientist! Agh!” Because of this experience, when I was invited to the Houses of Parliament to speak before a drugs committee, in spite of my intuitive dislike of all forms of authority, I was glad to go because I wanted to express for me the important opinion that drug addiction is an illness, not a crime. Thank you. Thank you for cheering and sort of identifying – yourselves as drug addicts – as well. – You will be – sent to the gulags. Also, like it’s just… – I mean, not only is it sort of – ineffectual and kind of… I mean, so stupid to treat drug addicts as criminals, really, and it’s kind of daft to have drugs illegal. – I mean, – we’re in London. We live in London. Have you noticed that the illegal status of drugs doesn’t appear to be having a massive impact? Drug addicts do not give a fuck if the drugs are illegal. I’ve never seen this happen. When I was out there as a junkie… “Hey, you. You realize that’s illegal, don’t you?” – “What? – Shit! “I been doing this every day! – “Afraid I’m gonna be – addicted now. – When I stop, – my legs go funny.” – “You’re in a lot of trouble, – mate. – It’s fucking – against the law.” “Stop in the name of the law! – “That’s – a contraband substance. Subsection C, class A drug.” “Oh, fuck, shit, that’s my hobby out the window. – “Don’t worry, – I’ll get another hobby. “I can take up golf. – I’ve already got – the swing sorted.” Drug addicts don’t care if drugs are illegal. So I went to express some of these ideas to this parliamentary committee, but I got such a… hmm… Inherent dislike of authority, you know? I hate authority. If someone tells me what to do, I sort of say, “Well, fuck off. “That is one thing I won’t be doing. “We can discuss the ways in which I won’t be doing it later in the back of your police car, Officer.” – As a result, I took – a kind of adolescent, Truculent attitude to the proceedings and I went to Parliament, sort of dressed stupid. Very tight trousers, tight top, long leather coat, big thick belt, sunglasses, cowboy hat. I thought one of my mates would say to me, – “Russell, you’re not going to – Houses of Parliament Dressed like that.” – But one did, – so I had to. Predictably, there was a phone call from Noel Gallagher when I was in there. “Russell, why are you in the Houses of Parliament on my “television dressed as the WWF wrestler The Undertaker? – “People ain’t gonna fucking – listen to what you’re saying if You’re dressed like a cunt.” They will know, they will know. – But actually Noel – was right. People didn’t listen to me. They just focused on what I was wearing. – But I suppose – it’s fair enough. You know, politicians may have some difficulty trusting you if you go to Parliament dressed as Guy Fawkes. At the time I went to speak to that committee, – I also went on some – news programs To further explain some of my philosophies and ideas around the treatment and legislation around addiction. – I went on that thing – “Newsnight,” But I don’t like them programs, news programs, you know? I particularly don’t like “The News,” the main one. “The News.” “The News.” Fuck off. It’s not “the” news. – It’s up its – own ass. “The News.” – Yeah, – this is the news, man. No, no, no. What that should be called is “Some News Within Prescribed Parameters – “in Keeping With – the Agenda of Our Sponsors – “Designed to Exacerbate – Your Fear “and Limit Your Freedom – Followed By – the Weather Forecast.” Don’t antagonize when I was going there. – Don’t like – the studio environment. It kind of looks like… Why does it got to look like a spaceship for? – “Here’s the news – from the Enterprise.” – All the people in – the background on the computers – And the plastic desk and all – that stuff. And the music. – I don’t like – the music. It’s so bombastic and self-involved and grandiose. – ♪ Dum-dum-dum – the news ♪ ♪ Here comes the news I’ve got some views ♪ ♪ I’m going to fuck you in the mind with a cock of news ♪ ♪ Gonna ejaculate current affairs into your eyes ♪♪ Because of that, I felt of sort of agitated and irritated – and nervous – when I was going in there. – I had the demeanor and, – to a degree, Facial expression, that my cat has if you try to gently submerge him in water. – Let’s have a look at – the footage. Could we do more to break their addiction or is their compulsion just too strong? The recovering drug addict and comedian Russell Brand… “Here to tell us that drugs are just harmless fun “is this pie-eyed Charles Manson Rasputin figure.” I’ll tell you what’s really bad. I remember that moment. I remember the camera being on me and the red light coming on that indicates that they’re filming. And I remember thinking, oh, the camera’s on you, Russell. Come on, just do a normal face. You can do it. – You’re as good – as the other boys. You can do this. Looks like I’m thinking a very high-pitched noise. (shrieking) – It’s like I’m trying to break – the sound barrier with my mind. (vocalizing) People laugh at me. They laughed at me. Yeah. ‘Cause of my unconventional appearance, my great hair, cool beard, my philosophy was ignored. – Now any of you that – have been listening will know That that is exactly what happened to Che Guevara. Che Guevara is a man so successfully extracted from his image that at this point in time, he can be used as an exhibition for cars to promote their product. Have a look at that. That’s Che Guevara at a Mercedes exhibition. They’ve replaced the star on his beret with the Mercedes logo. Yeah, he’d be fine with that, Che Guevara. Not like he drove corporations out of Cuba at gunpoint or anything. I don’t want to belabor the point, but Mercedes is another one of the companies that made stuff for the Nazis. I can’t get too deep into after the whole Hugo Boss debacle. (cheers and applause) How come I get in more trouble for saying that they made stuff for the Nazis than they did for making stuff for the Nazis? Seems like a weird scale. Che is not alone among my heroes in being posthumously appropriated for corporate end. Here’s a photograph of Gandhi advertising Apple Computers. “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I can’t imagine that the change that Gandhi would wish to see in the world would be iPhones getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner – until you don’t know whether to – make a phone call – Or put some – cheese on it and fucking eat it. I can’t imagine that Gandhi would approve of the iPhone factory in China where working conditions were so bad that the people that work there, they were jumping out of the windows of the building and killing themselves and management solved that problem by putting nets up around the building. – I’d like to – have been at that meeting. “It’s happened again, boss.” “Ugh. – “That’s the fourth bloody – suicide this week. We’ve got to do something.” – “I’m so glad you’ve said that – because I’ve got a plan, right? “What we could do is pay the workers a proper amount of – “money, maybe – give them a pension plan. I thought maybe a Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. – “You’re really – over-thinking this. Put some fucking nets up.” Also, what do you say to someone who’s made the decision to jump off of a building and end their life when you’re getting them down from the net? “Oi, you. “Come on. “Down from the net. “Back to work. – “That counts – as your tea break. “It’s fun on there, it’s like a big trampoline. “Stop crying. “Get in there. Make them thinner.” “That’s not my department.” That ain’t the change that Gandhi would wish to see in the world. Unless maybe his wife worked at that factory. “Go on then, love.” – “You’re going to jump next, – ain’t you, Gandhi?” – “Oh, yeah, yeah, – I’ll be right behind you. Fuck off.” Why are they doing this to us? Why are they positioning our heroes in these meaningless landscapes? Why are they creating a cultural malaise – in which – nothing has nutrition, Where our food lacks nutrition, where there’s an emptiness in my stomach that can’t be filled by drugs or fame or money? Who is that benefits from this system? Who is that benefits from us having a void within ourselves that can never be filled? Who is that claims that they can fill this void? – Well, it’s people like this guy, – isn’t it? I never trusted him. – I never trusted him – when I was a kid. He’s the Jimmy Savile of corporate logos. I don’t like the idea of buying food from someone whose mouth looks like a horizontal vagina. Look at this stuff, man. – “M,” – registered trademark. I’m lovin’ it. Registered trademark. – How can “M” be a registered – trademark? That is one of our letters. – What am I supposed to do – if I need a word What’s got an “M” in it? Use a “B” on its side? – You “banipulative” – “boney-grabbing,” “botherfuckers.” – Also, check this slogan: – I’m lovin’ it. We heard it a thousand times. I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. But what does it mean? What does it mean? Well, they’ve dropped the “G,” interestingly, and apostrophized it because then it seems colloquial. They’re our friends. – Hey, I’m lovin’ it, – we’re lovin’ it. – We’re all – just the same. You can trust us. Also, by dropping the “G,” they make it colloquial – and therefore, – it can be owned. They can trademark it if it’s not a conventional piece of English language. Most importantly, though, by dropping the “G” and making it colloquial, it distracts us from the actual, literal meaning of the verb to love in the continuous form. I’m lovin’ it. The act of love. – ‘Cause I don’t think – McDonald’s would want us to have The image of Ronald McDonald in the act of love with his hard, thin, white clown cock, tapering towards the end, and his bright red pubes, sliding into a Filet-O-Fish. I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it, I’m lovin’ it. What are you loving, Ronald, with your fat-saturated food deliberated marketed at young people? Obese schoolboys… So you can waddle after them in – your clown shoes and fuck ’em, – you painted nonce? – I don’t mind a little bit of – hyperbole, – But these people – are going to town. – There’s actually a product that – I quite like… Dr Pepper. But unbelievably satisfying? That is a bold claim for a brown, fizzy drink. Unbelievably satisfying! – What does that even – fucking look like? – “Are you enjoying – that beverage?” “I’ll say I am! “It’s unbelievably satisfying. – “I’m going to have to – recategorize my understanding of “satisfaction to incorporate the experience I’ve just had. “I can’t believe how satisfied I am and I am me. “So who is it that’s satisfied – “and who is it that – can’t believe it? – It’s a fucking paradox – in a can is what I’m drinking.” If we’re using words like “unbelievably satisfying” to describe a brown, fizzy drink, what language is left for love? – “What was it like when you – looked into her eyes at the site “of the canal beneath the orange streetlamp? – “What was it like when you – realized in that moment – That perhaps you could – love again?” “Oh, yeah, that was unbelievably satisfying actually.” What language is left for God? – “What was it like when you – realized that your consciousness – “is invisibly interconnected – with all consciousness – “and there is no separation, – that we are all one, – “that we can change – our reality at any moment With a simple decision?” “Oh, you know, that was unbelievably satisfying.” – “What was it like when you drank – that Dr Pepper?” “Oh, hm, my teeth hurt a little bit.” – That is a more – realistic slogan. My teeth hurt a little bit. Or… or maybe the problem can be solved with a comma. Unbelievably comma… given the shit we put in it… satisfying. But you’d be hard-pushed to top our friends over at Gillette with their slogan… “Gillette. The best a man can get.” Is it? Shaving? Type of shaving. Well, I am a man and I’ve shaved before. So I’m just gonna offer this up there. Um, you know, shaving’s good, but have you ever been in a situation – with one person, they’re here, – and they’re Sucking your cock – and there’s another person here – and they’re putting Their tongue into your bottom? It’s better than shaving. Don’t set the bar so fucking low. – Though if you are – going to do that, – It is polite to have a little – shave first. Hmm… If a product has an advertisement it means you don’t need it. No one ever has to say, “Go to sleep. “Breathe. Love people.” – If they’re advertising it, – you don’t need it. Why are they doing this? – Why are they confusing us – with this erroneous, – Duplicitous – information all the time? This hyperbole, these lies, these meaningless claims, these peculiar offers? – Well, it’s obviously for money, – isn’t it, But they’ve got so much. – How much money – do they need? – All of the money, – all of it. Do you know there are 147 interconnected corporations that control half of the world’s wealth? That’s not very many, 147. That’s just that little back paddock there. Maybe we should just let them maraud throughout our planet and do what they want. And we could if it were not for things like global poverty and world hunger, stains on our collective soul. World hunger could be solved with $40 billion of investment. I know that sounds like a lot, but not compared to the $50 trillion controlled by American millionaires, $11 trillion of which is held in offshore bank accounts. Now I don’t know what an offshore bank account means – but it sounds a bit like – a beach. – Sounds like they’ve – got so much fucking money, They’ve sent some to go on fucking holiday somewhere. – The relationship between those – two figures, Of having that much money – and not using it to alleviate – the problem Is like having 500 quid in your pocket… Right, if I had 500 quid in my pocket and a starving child said, “Can I have 40 pence please?” Going, “No, fuck off! “500’s a round number, I need it. This money’s going on holiday.” Ha-ha-ha-ha! How can this story be maintained? How is that narrative succeeded? I suppose because it’s remained uninterrupted by better storytellers. Men like Malcolm X who said that people’s rights have to change and be acknowledged by any means necessary. Whatever it takes, whatever it takes. That’s what we’ll do. Whatever it takes. – Malcolm X, – a very great hero, Altered the narrative of his people. – Who taught you – to hate your hair? – Who taught you to hate the color – of your skin? My favorite Malcolm X story – involves the arrest of – Joseph Hinton. – Whenever anyone was – arrested in Harlem, His parish, Malcolm X would go to advocate for their release. – On this particular day in – Harlem, – When he was – in the police station, A crowd gathered outside as is often the case when Brother Malcolm would go somewhere. And there was that hot, febrile atmosphere that it can sometimes be before a riot. – You know, when it can go either – way at football, Or a street protest. I like that feeling. – Not ’cause I think that… I want – people to get hurt Or things to get smashed, – although I don’t mind things – getting smashed A little bit sometimes. I just like that feeling that reality isn’t permanent, that things aren’t permanent, – that they can be disrupted – and changed, – Even in very – trivial situations, Very trivial examples. – Like when I was at school, – you know, when you’re at school And you’re at your desk – and you’re doing your work – and through the window You see that a dog has come in the playground. “There’s a dog in the playground!” – The teachers don’t – want you to see it. Shut the fucking curtains. – “There’s a dog in – the playground! – “There’s a dog – in the playground! “Fuck algebra, fuck the police! “You can’t control us, there’s a dog in the playground! Nothing’s real!” I like it. – I like the disruption – of what’s normal. That’s why I go to riots. – I don’t go – so much now. I used to go to more protest riots, call them what you will. I got a good one. – This story – you will like it. But it involves some public nudity, so before I tell you it, there are two things that are very, – very important – for you to bear in mind. One, I was on a lot of drugs at the time, okay? And two, it was very, very cold that day. It was in SoHo. – There’s a huge crowd of – protestors. I’m part of that crowd and it’s that vibe of – oh my God, it’s – going to fucking kick off. I’m excited and I’m enjoying it, – but I’m not – the center of attention And it doesn’t seem right. I see in the distance a police van. – I think if I get – on that police van, – I’ll be the fucking center – of attention. – So I hustle through the crowd, – get on top of the police van. – Sure enough, – the crowd roars. “Yes!” Like Mick with Usher. Just the visibility is enough sometimes. “Yes, go on, that bloke” is the sort of feeling, – that it’s a positive – thing I’m doing. – So I feel I’ve got to keep – these people entertained. – I’ve got to keep their interest – sustained. And what do I do? – Like even in that – Olympic photograph, – I take my – fucking top off, right? So I just rip my top off. – The crowd goes, – “Yes!” – Like that… – They’re really into it. It’s a proud moment for me. Oh, fuck, I’ve not told you something really important. Malcolm X successfully negotiates the release of Joseph Hinton. – As the two emerge from – the police station, The crowd looked to Malcolm X to ascertain is this a situation for conflict or acquiescence? Malcolm X raises his hand and with a single hand gesture, the crowd immediately disperses. – Single hand gesture, – that’s all it took. – Everyone just – dropped it and went home. A New York City police officer observing that day said, “That is too much power for one man to have.” Back to me! – I’m on top of the van, – I’ve took my top off, – And I’m hearing – the crowd fucking loving it. “Go on!” – I think I’ve gotta keep these – people entertained. Take down my trousers. “Yes, go on, mystery man,” they’re saying. – I figured I’d just – take this to the nth degree, – Let’s take it to – the next level. I pull down my underpants, wave them above my head as a flag of anti-capitalism, a flag of triumph. Power to the people! Revolution! – About this point, I notice that – everyone in the crowd Has gone really quiet, right? I seem sort of embarrassed. I look down to the direction of their stare and I gotta tell you, right? – Some women – don’t know this. The male penis has an enormous capacity for variance in size. And he did not show up for me that day. It was really bad. Really bad. It looked like they were was a bald patch in my pubes. Honestly. – It was really… you know that – nightmare you have where you’re Naked in public at a riot on a police van with an imaginary cock? That… That happened! That’s my life! I was up there fucking freaked out, so I tried to just like wank it into a normal size, which is a sex crime. Indecent exposure, which is still on my criminal record. – Even the wanking was kind of – embarrassing. Not proper wanking, you know? It was like putting a Smurfs hat on, then taking it off again. – Smurf hat on, – Smurf hat off. Smurf hat on, Smurf hat off. So embarrassed, man. But I tell you, as soon as my hand went to my cock, that crowd began to disperse. It was like I was able to disperse an entire crowd with a single hand gesture. So in a way… I’m a little bit like Malcolm X. Malcolm X is obviously not a perfect human being and therefore flawed. – Served a lot of time – for drug dealing And for pimping women. Che Guevara, not perfect in spite of successfully – overthrowing a government – in his early 30s. – Apparently didn’t – change his shirts very much And smelled a bit. Disappointing, isn’t it, to find that out about Che Guevara. These men all represented the people’s interest against a visible, identifiable enemy. How would they cope now with our amorphous, unknowable foes when evil comes named after innocent fruit with the white beaming face of the clown hidden behind unknowable numbers and baffling words like “derivatives” and “bundles”? How would these men confront an evil that isn’t obvious and labeled? In the old days, history came up, tagged up with swastikas and obvious. Even in a picture of him as a child, I’ll bet you’ll recognize this man. – Right, you know – who that is, do you? Even at 10? Yeah. – Actually, it’s not me, – it’s actually Hitler but… Same basic personality type. Let’s look at Hitler as a 10-year-old boy before the abuse and torture he endured as a child, before the horrors he witnessed in the First World War, before the anti-Semitism – that swept across that part of – Europe and corrupted him And influenced him. – If you look into the eyes of – that 10-year-old boy, A 10-year-old Hitler, you can see that he’s already a right little bastard. At 10! Look at… “Take the photo, you pig dog. I’ll have you killed.” He’s already got two henchmen, also. “Yes, mein Fuhrer. – He is a poor – photographer.” My favorite thing though about this photo is that kid there, down in front of him. Look at his little face. – That is exactly the expression – I’d have if I knew that Adolf Hitler was right behind me. “Is he still there?” “Yeah, seriously. Adolf Hitler is right behind you, mate.” “I know.” “Don’t worry. He’s more scared of you than you are of him.” “I don’t think so.” That little kid, curiously enough, by some extraordinary quirk of fate is the Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein, the logician and thinker who continues to influence philosophy to this day. – Incredibly important – philosopher. Isn’t it amazing that in Austria, in one school, in one class, you have the best philosopher of the day and the worst dictator in history? You gotta feel sorry for the teacher of that class. “How’s work today, dear?” “Mmm. Another tough one, actually.” – “Oh really? – What happened?” “Well, okay. – “Just a couple – of examples. “Um. One kid said to me, ‘If you consider, Miss'”… – And that’s weird, ’cause I’m – a bloke, so that threw me… “‘If you consider, Miss, eternity not to be “‘an infinite temporal duration, “‘but the quality of timelessness, “does eternity belong to those who live in the present?’ “So that was tricky. – “A couple of paintings, – this little one now, – “fucking thinking about it all – through lunch. “Couldn’t really get me head around it. “Then there’s another kid, “just keeps asking me if I’m Jewish. “I’m worried about that boy. “He’s pushy, I don’t like him. “A lot to say, opinionated child. “Mind you, he’s a very enthusiastic student. “I will say that. Always got his hand up in class.” Oh yes, yes. Literally Sieg Heiling. You see that cross above Hitler’s head? Do you think that was done by a gleeful archivist? “Oh my God, I found a picture of Wittgenstein and Hitler in one class and what a break…” Or do you think it was Hitler’s teacher when Hitler left school… – “Watch out for this – little cunt.” What terrifies me more than the extremity of Hitler is the mundanity of Hitler. You know, not the terrible Holocaust or the horrific Second World War, but that Hitler is actually just a normal bloke. Hitler had an older sister called Paula. Paula Hitler. Paula Hitler. “Paula! You’ve used all the hot water!” “Oh, what are you gonna do?” “I will have revenge and ultimate power.” It’s the mundanity of Hitler that’s terrifying. He’s just a normal man, – just a normal person – like any of us. You know that in terms of our DNA, we are 98% identical to a chimpanzee. If we’re 98% identical to a chimpanzee, how different can we be from each other? Baffling idea. Do you know that 60% of human DNA is in a fruit fly? Those fruit flies, them idiots, you move fruit… they come up. – How do they get in there? – I hate them. – 60% of our DNA – is the same as them. 100% of my DNA is in my cat. But that’s because I get lonely sometimes. Oh. Oh. – Oh, come, Russell, have a good – laugh about Hitler, But don’t fuck the cat. – Well, he shouldn’t have such – a prominent anus then. Second-most noticeable thing about him. (meowing) Tail up in the air like a little furry fuck handle. 82% of human DNA is identical to the DNA in the feline species. 50% of human DNA is found in a banana. A stupid yellow crescent moon banana. So if someone says, “Hey, is that a banana in your pocket – or are you just – pleased to see me?” Say, “What difference does it make? “Just pop it in your mouth. – “Be careful with – the skin. – Why don’t you – find the day…” So if our heroes are all flawed and our villains are just mundane people like us, what can we believe in with impunity? Jesus Christ? – Surely we can – believe in Jesus. – Well, yeah, of course we can, – but which Jesus? ‘Cause I don’t want to believe in the Jesus Christ of the neo-Conservative right of Fox News, of Rupert Murdoch or the “Daily Mail,” that bigoted homophobic Jesus, the Jesus that they’ve manufactured to prop up their authoritarian ideas. – Like check this picture, right, – of Jesus that we was Mucking about with earlier. This is actually an image of Constantine the emperor who converted to Christianity in 325 AD fused with Sol Invictus, the Roman sun god that the people previously worshipped. So their allegiance would now be referred to this new Messianic figure who was associated with their leader. That’s why, look, that halo, the sun, that’s leftover from Sol Invictus. – There’s no mention of Jesus – wandering around with a halo in The fucking Bible. – “Thanks for the fishes – and loaves. – What’s – the fucking light bulb?” It’s not in there. They added that on to make the Romans think, “Oh yeah, he’s all right, he’s basically the same.” – You know, – Jesus seems really lovely, What I’ve read in the Bible. – Everything He says – seems kind of cool. Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. Give to the poor, receive treasure in heaven. The kingdom of heaven is within. Sounds all right, doesn’t it? Sounds sort of like a hippie Commie gay type of a guy. So where is this Jesus – of the far right – fucking coming from, Who’s really bothered about homophobia? In America, from listening to the neo-Conservative right, – you’d think – that’s all He cared about. Like, “Don’t be gay!” You’d think it was called “The Bible: Don’t Be a Fucking Poof.” Like… It’s not in there. – There’s one little bit in – Leviticus. – Don’t lay down – with another man. It’s not like a central thing. You’d think if Jesus was that concerned about homosexuality He had the perfect opportunity to address the issue in His top 10 do’s and don’ts. Put it in there. – Number 10: – Don’t be gay. Nip it in the bud. It’s not in there. No mention of the old “gayness” in the anus. As far as the 10 Commandments are concerned, homosexuality is not considered as important an issue as thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s oxen. So if you’re in a situation where you’re really buzzed up and you’ve gotta do something sinful for relief, Jesus would prefer it if you had gay sex to you coveting your neighbor’s oxen. “Jesus, I had a terrible day at work. – “I’m either going to – fuck this geezer in the ass – Or I’m gonna – covet my neighbor’s oxen.” – “Well, don’t do that, – you better… ” “Thanks, Jesus. – “I’m going to slide my hard cock – up into his ass, My balls banging on his balls.” – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, do what you – gotta do, mate. “Just don’t look over next door’s fence “at that oxen, then imagine in your mind “what it would be like if that oxen was your oxen. – Don’t do that, – will you?” “No, no, no, I won’t. – “I’m going to come in his – asshole. – “I’m going to suck my – come out of his ass, “kiss him with rivers of cum connecting our lips… “cum bubbles floating off into the sky like a homosexual snowstorm.” – “Yeah, yeah, – yeah, yeah, yeah. “Do what you gotta do, mate. Just remember, that is not your oxen.” So you have to download homophobic Jesus from media outlets like Fox News in America. Fox News is like “Daily Mail” live. I don’t like that Fox News. Not only is Fox News bigoted, it’s also misleading. – I once watched – it for 12 hours And there was not one story about foxes. – “A fox in a waistcoat – rescued a boy from a well.” – Just stories about immigrants, – really. – Not even stories, – just shouting. “Immigrants! “Immigrants! Immigrants!” All right. What? “Immigrants!” You know that an immigrant is just someone who used to be somewhere else. “Ahh! Have you always been there?” – “No, no, no, – I used to be over there.” “Ahh! “Keep still! “I can’t relax with people moving around. “Keep still on this spherical rock “in infinite space. – “Keep still on – the spherical rock – “with imaginary geopolitical – borders “that have been drawn in according to the economic “reality of the time. “Do not pause to reflect that free movement of global capital “will necessitate free movement of a global labor force to meet – “the demands created by the free – movement of that capital. “That is a complex economic idea “and you won’t understand it. “Just keep still on the rock. “And don’t be gay on it! “Gays! There are gays!” “What?” “Gays.” “What about them?” “There are them.” – “What are you – worried about?” “What if they do a gay marriage?” “I don’t know.” “Well, it’s a bit gay!” – “Yeah, I – think it’s a bit gay. – Yeah, shouldn’t worry, – I don’t think it affects you.” An astronomer told me once… – And this is in his jurisdiction, – so we can trust him. He said, “Russell, you will never understand the vastness “of the Milky Way, the galaxy that we live in. “It’s too big to conceptualize in your little, little mind. “So just imagine for a moment “that the Milky Way was the size of Great Britain, “then 30 times the size of Great Britain. “If that was our solar system… “Mars, Venus, us, you remember from school… “would fit into a single teacup somewhere in Croydon. “There are 400 million “known galaxies in our universe. “How can you know that “and then care if someone sticks their cock “up someone else’s ass? These are not the black holes we need to concern ourselves with.” It’s hard to live without meaning in infinite space when Nietzsche has said that God is dead, when Chesterton has proved that we’ll believe in anything, when Gillette say that the best a man can get is a type of shave, when Dr Pepper tells us we should be unbelievably satisfied with a brown drink, what’s left to believe in when our heroes are flawed, when our villains are mundane? What can unite all of us together, what can we all share? What can unify us against the tyranny and the oppression, the fear, the loneliness and the emptiness? What’s left for us? – God? – Can we believe in God? – Well, I do, but you’re not – going to trust me. – I’ve proved over – the course of the evening I’m a fucking lunatic. But Einstein, we can trust Einstein, can’t we, who, when asked if he was religious, responded, “Well, there are forces in this universe “that I will never understand “and I hold these forces in great reverence and to that degree, I am religious.” I suppose what Einstein is saying is that the realm of the senses is limited and prohibited in any judgments we make within that tiny little limited realm. I’m not of any actual fucking value. With our sensory perception, for our sight, an optic level, we can only see between infrared light and ultraviolet light. There are thousands of rays of cascading light invisible to us, all around us. We have a limited decibel range that we can hear. We can’t hear the sound of a dog whistle. We can’t hear the sound of me thinking on the news… Thank God. How would we conceptualize smell if none of us had it? – If that concept was inaccessible – through lack of Sensory instrument of the nose? – How would we understand – the difference between The smell of paint and bacon – and Che Guevara’s – shirts? – It would be – meaningless to us. But just because we don’t have the information, that doesn’t mean the information isn’t there, that there aren’t frequencies, energy, interconnected prism… Because we can’t see it that don’t mean it ain’t there. Us not knowing about something – don’t mean that the thing – doesn’t exist. My cat doesn’t know there’s an Internet. There’s an Internet. “Meow. “I don’t know. I’m too sexy.” “Yes, you are. “Come here. – And now another – quick dip.” (shrieking) – That’s why I think – we need stories that Are tied to permanent phenomenon. Stories that can’t be forgotten or submerged. The Celtic people that used to occupy these islands, revered the rivers, – thought the rivers – were sacred. So that would prevent them – from ever being disrespectful – to the rivers Or polluting the rivers. The Nordic people thought their ancestors were in the trees, so mass-deforestation wasn’t an option. The Native American people believed that God is in the soil. How then would you feel about fracking? No wonder these stories have been rewritten and forgotten. No wonder our heroes have been replaced by sequin-covered vacuous fools. You can’t have a society with these kinds of members because these men rewrite history. You can’t have a man with a brain like Gandhi, a heart like Che Guevara, the courage of Malcolm X. – I’m aware that these are – the qualities of the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion are looking for in “The Wizard of Oz.” That doesn’t undermine them. All I’m saying is I’m glad that I have these heroes that represent values outside of our popular culture and I urge all of you to choose heroes as well – because if you – don’t choose heroes, Heroes will be chosen for you and they will not represent values that empower you but powers that enslave you, ideas that enslave you. – I’m not saying this is – something you have to deal with Immediately now, like, “Fuck, I better get a hero! You, Russell!” No. – That’s not why I’ve gathered – you all here. It’s not going to turn into a rally. Everyone take your clothes off! – Let’s fuck each other, – it’s cool now! Whoo! – “But I’m here with – my mum! Sorry, it’s what he wanted.” My mum’s here as well, don’t freak out. My mum’s here listening to that come river… that bit. Just thinking, “Oh, there he is, my boy.” (laughing) It’s funny ’cause it’s true. – She don’t mind that – sort of stuff. – That’s why I’ve – got this personality now. – “Well done, well done, – darling.” I suppose what’s interesting is that inherently, innately, we already possess the creative power to control our own lives and to control our destiny. – Like, you see earlier, we were – mucking about that crucifix That Jesus was wearing. – Well, of course, Jesus has the – right to wear that crucifix – Because that’s – the resurrected Christ. See the wounds in His hands, the resurrected Christ. But also the cross was a religious symbol that preceded Christianity. African cultures worship the crucifix, Celtic cultures worshipped the crucifix – and it was widely regarded – to be the intersection – Of the two energies – necessary for life… Male and female. – And from the intersection of – those two energies, All life, all reality can be created. The vertical male phallic energy… – On a good day, if you – don’t take drugs, – If the weather’s – nice and warm… Perfectly normal, thank you… Intersecting with the horizontal vaginal energy of the female. Not like Ronald McDonald’s mouth, a sloppy blow job. (shrieking) No one needs that fucking shit in their religious life. – Where those – two energies intersect, All creativity is possible. We already have divine creative energy within us. – That’s what these stories are – trying to remind us, And we share that energy with each other and with the soil. And what is the most powerful of these energies, – the energy that the patriarchy – and misogyny Constantly tries to repress? The divine female sexual energy, the creative energy of the female. That is why I worship divine sexual female energy. Yes, thanks, thanks, thanks. I’m saying that not only because it’s true but also because it’s nearly the end of the show now – and I know if I say – stuff like that – About women – and divine sexual energy, At the end of the evening, there’s no way I ain’t getting laid after the show tonight. – How can you – compare the potency – Of the creative forces within – humanity? How can you even imagine the male energy has the potency of female sexual energy? Just witness the orgasms. “Oh! “More, hit me! Oh!” Versus… (groaning) (snoring) Female sexual energy’s so sublime, delicate and divine, even in masturbation, it’s an aesthetic spectacle, as if accompanied by a breeze and muslin drapes, a delicate Rachmaninoff concerto across the clitoris. (vocalizing) Oh, that’s so beautiful. A sexuality so divine, so pleasing to the eye that it can be used on the telly to advertise chocolate. Flake adverts, Galaxy adverts, – that’s fucking female sexual – energy. “Oh, Flake, Flake, oh!” You cannot use male masturbation energy to sell chocolate. (grunting) “Have a Flake!” I’ve given up masturbation now as a result of a trip to London Zoo. I see a chimpanzee doing it. (imitating chimpanzee shrieking) I thought, no, man. – It’s not different – enough. Also male masturbatory energy, – that is the energy – of bigotry. – That is the energy – that doesn’t allow us To transcend the circuitry of it, the angry Rupert Murdoch, George Osborne, David Cameron energy of wanking. – Can’t even get his – fucking thumb up, – Can you imagine – what his cock looks like? Jesus Christ. Them people don’t know how to fuck properly. That’s why they’re angry. – That’s why their – policies are so ugly. George Osborne, that man… Try and think of him fucking. Try and think of it. – Doesn’t know how to – move his hips. – Doesn’t know – how to do the final move. Doesn’t know the G-spot, under turn. Doesn’t know how it works. – That’s why – they’re so angry. – They’re wanking – all the time. Cuts, cuts, ah! Guilty, angry little conservative wanks. – George Osborne never had an – orgasm that didn’t end up On his little tummy. Angry little wanks. “Cut the benefit! Ah!” – I bet when he comes, – it frightens him. “Oh! (speaking gibberish) “Bad boy Georgie! Bad boy Georgie!” They don’t want us to have free, liberated sexual energy, access to the divine and infinite for our own infinite creativity. That is why I worship at the altar of the vagina. There will never be a clearer metaphor for God. From nothing comes all life, comes all creation and I’m happy to whisper my prayers and liturgies there on my knees night after night. And get it all in your mouth also. Don’t be scared of nothing down there. Don’t be afraid of anything on each other’s bodies. – George Osborne, – he wants boundaries, barriers, Rules down there. – “Don’t put that bit – in your mouth. That’s where poo poo comes from.” Get it in your gob! Right in there. Dilate it. Make it wink. And while we’re on the subject, let’s address the inequality and hypocrisy in the heterosexual world of the male/female ass-lick pact. How can rimming be considered a fair swap between the genders when the commodities are so different? The female, as if it’s been drawn by Walt Disney. “Ah, come here.” “Ahh!” So cute, so perfect, like it could dispense nothing more toxic than little pink Tic Tacs. (vocalizing) “Ahh!” Get it in your gob. Free them. “Ahh! Ahh, I’m coming, I’m coming!” They always tell you. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” “I know, I know. It’s obvious, it’s obvious.” They don’t do that with other stuff. “I’m having a sandwich, I’m having a sandwich! I’m parallel parking, I’m parallel parking!” – Sometimes – I do it though. A little announcement. “I’m coming.” With me, it’s more warning. “I’m coming, so if you want to, please hurry up.” “My jaw hurts now.” – Liberate yourself – down there. Get it all in your mouth. (vocalizing) (vocalizing continues) – I’m coming, I’m coming, – I’m coming!” (vocalizing) “Right. Now you do me.” (grunting) Walt Disney’s circle replaced by the King Kong hair knot. Come on, take a bite of the old leather bagel. The Tic Tac tune drowned out by German oompah-pah music. (vocalizing) (imitating farting) – You want someone to put – that in their mouth, You’ve gotta make ’em come first. – You gotta make them access – the heroin That’s already within them, – the divinity – already within them, – The revolution that’s in every – single one of us. That is why I guarantee to any woman kind enough to sleep with me tonight, you will come first. Any woman that I sleep with will always be the first coming. And I will always be the second coming and that is why I’m a little bit like Jesus. (cheers and applause) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪ ♪ Feeling unknown and you’re all alone ♪ ♪ Flesh and bone by the telephone ♪ ♪ Lift up the receiver I’ll make you a believer ♪ ♪ Take second best put me to the test ♪ ♪ Things on your chest you need to confess ♪ ♪ I will deliver you know I’m a forgiver ♪ ♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪ ♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪ ♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL MAHER… BUT I’M NOT WRONG (2010) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-but-im-not-wrong-2010-full-transcript/

In front of a live audience at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium at the Progress Energy Center for the Performing Arts in Raleigh, North Carolina, the Emmy-nominated host of Real Time with Bill Maher performs an all-new hour of stand-up comedy.  Among the topics Bill discusses in his ninth HBO solo special are: Whether the “Great Recession” is really over; the fake patriotism of the right wing; what goes on in the mind of a terrorist; why Obama needs a posse instead of the secret service; the drug war; Michael Jackson; getting out of Iraq and Afghanistan; racism; the Teabagger movement; religion; the health-care fight; why Gov. Mark Sanford will come out looking good, and how silly it is to ask “Why do men cheat?”; and why comedy most definitely didn’t die when George Bush left office. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. That’s okay. Thank you. You are so kind. Please. Thank you so much. Wow! What a– Thank you for that screaming ovation. You know, oh, I picked the right city this time. Oh, it’s true. I– You know, I– Thank you. Okay. Thank you, sir. All right, I get it. You are only flesh and vagina. But please, I’ve got to do a show now. We love the South. We, like I have a backup band. You know, me and my crew. We love the… Because you know, they are not politically correct. That’s what I love about them. They have fun. They laugh. You know, they don’t boo. And you know, ever since the Great Recession began, I have started every show with a prayer. No. How ridiculous. No, with a thank you. Because in this economic time, you know, a dollar is a hard thing to come by. I– I know. I better be fucking good. I know this. Because I tell you, your boy John Edwards said one thing right. He did. He said there are two Americas. And he was getting laid in both. I love this guy. He wrote a cute card today. He rhymed… perk breasts with D.N.A. test. I think that’s… But you know, they say the… They say the recession is over. I– You know, come on. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said if this van is rocking, it’s because we live here now. You know, I mean… That’s one thing you can say about Americans. They take a lot of shit. What is it going to take? Some day, soon I hope, people are gonna rise up and kill bankers. Bankers… Poor bankers. They are not feeling the love these days. At my branch, when you make a deposit now, the teller puts her tits on the glass. You know… Don’t you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt? You know, Osama Bin Laden once said that one of his goals for Al-Qaeda was to bankrupt America. Well, sorry big guy. A Jew named Bernie Madoff beat you to it. You know, right? Yeah, we did it to ourselves. Like Bernie Madoff, this always kills me. People say, “Where did all the money go?” I’ll tell you where the money went. It never existed in the first place. Because America doesn’t make anything anymore. That’s the little secret about our economy. What have we made lately? War. War. And Snuggies. Right? That’s what we make: Bullshit, Snuggies and ShamWows, Flowbees and Bedazzlers and… boner pills and Botox and… Fucking, you know, pizza with cheese in the crust. You know, it’s a whole industry. How can we get cheese into… How can we get cheese into Hanukkah? Or a snow tire? You know, it’s like… How much manpower went into thinking about… bratechnology over the last decade? Wonderbras and miracle bras and water bras. It’s just pushing the tits up. Am I wrong? Am I missing a big thing about this industry? It is pushing the tits together and up, so the boner pills have something to work with, you know? The whole economy is just about keeping people hard. It really is. Y– You know, they sell something now, I’m not kidding, called a talking tombstone. That’s right. Before you go, you record a cassette, a little message in a cassette which they then put into your headstone, so that when people approach your grave, you’re yakking. You know what? You’re dead. Let someone else talk. That’s really how I feel about that one. I mean, it’s no wonder we owe China a trillion dollars. I opened a fortune cookie the other day, it said, “Pay up, deadbeat.” Our Secretary of State used to go over to China and lecture them about human rights. You know, now it’s just, “I’ll suck your dick.” It’s just– It’s just an “I’ll suck your dick” economy. Now that’s our foreign policy. That’s our economy. But hey, at least now, we have a plan for recovery that doesn’t involve Jesus coming back. That’s something. We’re going to stimulate our way out of trouble. We got a stimulus program. I mean, yeah, we are spending a metric fuck-ton of money. But you know, it’s not for shits and giggles. We have to spend this money, anyway. ‘Cause this country fell apart in the last 30 years. Ever since they started giving all the money to the top 1%, the roads, the bridges, the infrastructure, the electrical, health care… It all went to shit. This country… This country reminds me the time I went to buy mushrooms. It’s a true story. In the early 80’s, I remember I went to buy mushrooms from the drug dealer. My friend Rich and I, we were young comics in New York. You know, living in little fucking rat-infested boxes. You know, we went to the drug dealer’s apartment. I was very impressed. It was this big apartment on the east side. And it was all lit by candles. I mean, I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer but I didn’t do coke. I didn’t. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work. But I– I was there to buy mushrooms, which I considered a good drug, and consider a good drug onto this day. But you know, I remember, I was very impressed with this guy, with the long hair and the candles. And I got outside and I said to my friend, “Boy, that guy was so cool with all the candles.” He said, “You moron, he has no electricity.” He said– I’ll never forget this– “He put the electrical bill up his nose.” And that’s what America did. In the last 30 years, we put the electrical bill up our nose. And I love the Republicans now. They’re like, “Boy, we can’t afford things like health care. “Some asshole ran up the debt.” I don’t know how it happened but… You know, look– No, it’s okay. It’s not a rally. I mean, I have my issues with this president, but he did inherit a mess like no president ever. He– He… He’s… He is the maid after Led Zeppelin has been in the room. You know, what I mean? Wow. And what I give him unequivocal props for is that what he has been able to do just by presidential decree right away, he did. You know, we’re closing Guantaunmo Bay. We can have stem cell research again. We can talk to other countries. We don’t… teach abstinence in the schools, you know. You can’t change the world in a day, but you can try to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture, you know. No, I know. No, I know you know. I know you know. But the Right Wing, they just hate it when I call America stupid. This bugs them like you can’t believe. What they never understand is that I don’t wish America was stupid. But it is stupid. But those are two thoughts. And now, that’s… That’s one more than they can really handle. But I don’t hate America. I love America! Thomas Jefferson lived in America and Mark Twain lived in America and Billy Holiday and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of. You see, I have love for America in perspective. I– At least, I would think so. You know, they have this rock hard erection for America. They have this uncritical child-like love of America, where to even question it– to considering how super duper, star-spangled awesome we are is… is just kind of wrong. You know, so, they are always getting their panties in a bunch about some… stupid sentimental symbolic bullshit. Like I remember the first week in office, they got a picture of Obama, ’cause it’s a big scandal, in the Oval Office without his suit coat on. Oh, fuck. Call 911. You know, because Bush never took his jacket off in the Oval Office. And Reagan never did. Yeah, I’m not surprised. This is something people do when they are working. That’s– When they are working, they take their coat off. It’s not a slippery slope. Oh yeah, one day, he takes his coat off. And the next day, he comes in with cornrows and a neck tattoo, you know. There’s a black light poster of Pam Grier where the bust of Teddy Roosevelt used to be. “Where is the President?” “He’s throwing dice in the rose garden.” “He’s out behind the laundromat.” It’s terrible what’s happened to America since… You know, they have this… It’s all sentimental-like… You know, Michelle Obama, one of Barack Obama’s many wives. ‘Cause you know, he’s a Muslim from Kenya. You know this. But she committed the ultimate crime against the right. She said the thing they can never forgive during the campaign. She said that she was proud… of her country for the first time in her life. I almost dropped the Bible. That I was using to help me masturbate into my gun. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. We’re– We’re surrounded by rednecks ’cause if you drive 30 miles out. Come on… It’s… It’s… You know what I’m talking. But proud of her country for the first time? Why don’t you just say, “Let’s go skull fuck Billy Graham “on the face of Mount Rushmore… “and Martha Washington eats pussy.” That is a thought crime against apple pie, and she needs to wash her mouth out with the blood of Ronald Reagan, which was shed for us all. But– Come on. I mean… Girlfriend does kind of have a point. You know, she’s only been an adult 25 years. Haven’t been exactly our best years. Highlights include impeaching a dude for his penis. And electing the cowboy from Toy Story twice. So… But honestly, for the longest time, every Republican election has been based on some sentimental bullshit. The flag or the flag pin or the pledge or ‘It’s Morning in America.’ “Bill Clinton got a blowjob in the Oval Office!” “And the Dixie Chicks insulted President Bush on foreign soil!” And when that happens, it hurts the feelings of our troops and then Tinkerbell’s light goes out and she dies. Yes, the love of our troops. The ultimate in fake patriotism. Are you kidding? The troops… We pay them like shit. We fuck them and trick them on deployments. We… nickel and dime them on medical care when they get home. Not to mention the stupid wars that we send them to. Yeah, we love the troops the way Michael Vick loves dogs. You know what… You know how I would feel supported if I was a troop overseas? If the people back home… were clamoring to get me out of this pointless errands. That’s how I would feel supported. Don’t hold your breath on that one, fellows. ‘Cause, you know, when America invades a country… Oh, we love you long time. Seriously. We never… We leave like Irish relatives, not at all. We have tens of thousands of troops in Korea and Japan. We have over 50,000 troops in Germany. “Hitler, ladies and gentlemen, “I think we got him.” You know, why are we doubling down on Afghanistan? I think I lost the thread on this one. I do. You know, Bin Laden attacked us. And then we got him. Oh, no. We didn’t. Okay. Okay… But he was in Afghanistan so we invaded Afghanistan to get him. But we didn’t. And then he moved to Pakistan. But we’re still in Afghanistan because– And that’s where I lose the thread. And I’m not the only one. ‘Cause I know the media– When they cover this story, when they get to that point, that’s when they go to the video of the terrorist training camp and they’re on the monkey bars. You know… Monkey bars. Like it’s supposed to scare the shit out of me. Oh fuck, there are some people reading the Koran who are on monkey bars. Something is going to blowup. I mean, come on. I mean, do you even have to be in shape to do that line of work? I mean, are… Are terrorists like, “Does this suicide belt make me look fat? “Because I want to be in the best shape of my life “for this Jihad. I want people to say that he was–” You know these plots that the government is always bragging about that they stopped before we got blown up. Give me a break! Like Bush used to always brag about the Liberty Seven. You know, these seven black guys in Liberty City, Miami, who were planning on blowing up the Sears Tower in Chicago. Well, you know, they didn’t even have a gun. Probably the only seven black guys in Miami without a gun. But they were planning on blowing up, you know… In the same way that Spanky and our gang were planning on building a space ship. These guys… They couldn’t blow up the Sears catalog. I mean… Blow up the Sears tower. Right. Well, that was– That was Plan A. Plan B was just to fuck up one Sears store. You know, just… And just the Home and Garden Department. You know, this… They were go to buy a dress, wear it once and return it. You know, the whole time… Guantaunmo Bay has been open, we have convicted three guys. The most senior of which was Bin Laden’s driver. Ooh, yes. That’s what they said on FOX News. They have been crowing about it for months. Yeah, we got Bin Laden’s… We got the man who took orders from Osama Bin Laden. Uh, yeah, orders like “pull up a little.” “Take the bridge, it’s faster.” You know… It’s funny, the– This guy who… You know, the Underoo bomber I call him. Remember on Christmas, you know, he was going to blow up that flight, you know. And right after Rudy Giuliani comes out and he says, “Well, you know, when Bush was president, “we never had a terrorist attack.” The way they rewrite history. Oh, that one time. Sure. Well, I mean, if you’re going to count that! Fuck, every president deserves a mulligan. I mean… You know, the bottom line is that it’s stupid to use the Army as we are doing to fight terrorism. They don’t have an army. They have exploding underwear. You know, Iraq, the only thing I would say about that is next time we go to war for oil, get some oil. You know, we didn’t have to torture people to beat the Nazis. We didn’t have to tap phones to beat the Soviet Union. But I live in a country now where I assume every call, you know, is tapped. I treat every call like a drug call. I do. Remember the old drug calls? “Yeah, I’d like two shirts, please.” “And no seeds in the shirts this time.” Don’t you hate it when there were seeds in your shirts? Ah, you kids today, you don’t remember the seeds, you punks. You just go to the store and buy it. But we had to deal with seeds. There is another war that never ends, right? The drug war. I just like to point out that Keith Richards is alive. And Michael Jackson is dead. I know. I’m… But I’m not wrong. Okay… No, we all loved Michael Jackson. But it is so ridiculous how America is obsessed with finding out what killed Michael Jackson. Put his doctor on trial. We got to get to the bottom of this. How could a constantly anesthethised, drug addicted, noseless skeleton, have slipped away from us so suddenly? Oh, America! I could never leave you. You amuse me! You’re like my dog. Dumb, I suppose, but you make me laugh. I just have a different view of health than mainstream America. People know this. You know, Michael Jackson’s autopsy report, it said he was in good health. To me, he looked a little pale. I don’t know. And you know… And Michael Jackson’s memorial, which, by the way, was a kick-ass music extravaganza in the middle of the day on free TV, Stevie Wonder got up and he said, “We needed Michael here on Earth. “But God needed him more.” And I remember thinking, “Really?” God needs people? God needs singers? God’s up there going, “Oh, fuck. There is nothing on.” “There is never anything on. “I’m tired of Sinatra and Elvis, Andy Williams. “Get that Michael Jackson up here! “I used to love that moonwalk thing he did. “Get that motherfucker up here! He’s going to entertain me.” So… Okay, so this brings me to the part of the show that’s about religion. No, I usually do not– I usually do not introduce topics. But believe it or not, even at this point, people walk out when I talk about this. You think it comes preadvertised but, you know… But I’m just saying this, in case you were thinking of walking out. I just want you to know two things. One, that until this point, it was a pretty good show. You can’t deny that. I am just saying this if you walk out, you will have at least seen a half-hour. You know, they can be like… all right. But also, I’m not going to talk about it forever. Okay, just a few minutes. Indulge me. I don’t have to guild the lily. I’ve made my points on this subject. I know “Religulous” played in Raleigh. There was a lot of… Thank you. Let me tell you something. There was a lot of Southern states. For that movie, I got a lot of messages from people that said I had to drive 300 miles to see this movie. And I used to always say, “Well, that’s good practice “for when you need an abortion because… “that’s probably the same 300 miles you are going to have to…” So, just let me answer a couple of the criticisms that were leveled at me for making this informed here. ‘Cause I think they were bullshit. And the first one was, “Oh, Bill. You’re such a meanie.” “Why do you have to go after religion? It gives people comfort. “It doesn’t hurt anything.” Okay, well, other than most wars. The Crusades, the Inquisition, 9/11, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girl schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor rape, human sacrifice, burning witches, suicide bombings, condoning slavery and the systematic fucking of children… There’s a few little things that I have a problem with. So… Okay. Again, not a rally. And I see people in the front row who are like “Fuck you, Bill Maher.” “When my wife dragged me to this show, “I expected a little something different.” A sweater vest in 2010. That… Let me guess, Republican? But anyway… But I think I know the reason that the god who doesn’t exist put me on Earth. I do. I think… It’s– It’s to make that connection for people who say, “It doesn’t do any harm.” So let me give you some practical examples. Okay. Number one, the Pope. Who I love. I’m not knocking the Pope. He’s a fantastic Catholic celebrity. He is… He’s– The Pope– This is true. The Pope has a Facebook page. That’s true. I’m not making that up. The creepy thing is Under Relationship status, he put ‘It’s Complicated.’ That’s– That’s the creepy thing. But the Pope last year went to Africa for a reunion with Romel. It’s just a joke. Again, I’m not– No, it’s a joke. I– See– The thing– I’m not after the Pope. By the same token, when it’s the Pope, I don’t pause to make a joke. Okay, he’s just a man. He puts his dress on one leg at a time like everybody else. He’s not holier than us ’cause he, you know, wears a costume. I can buy a pointy hat. I just don’t. Okay. But I’m not mad at the Pope for that. He wasn’t a Nazi. But what I’m mad at him for is going to the continent most ravaged by AIDS and telling them they couldn’t use condoms. So don’t tell me religion doesn’t do any actual harm. All right. Not a rally. Thank you. Not a rally. Here’s another example… Very practical. Close to the home. Stem cell research. Now, as you know, for the last eight years, we couldn’t have stem cell research because President Larry the Cable Guy– Not funny, I know– Cock-blocked stem cell research because, you know, when he got into office, he asked a very important question. He said, “What is stem cell research?” And they sat him down and they explained when a daddy loves a mommy very much– Look, you know, what is this stem cell? It’s a microscopic specklet of goo in a Petri dish, or as the Conservatives call it, a baby. Except it’s not a baby. You know how I know this? Because you know what they do with it? They freeze it. They put it in the freezer. You can’t do that with a baby, okay. I mean… I don’t know a lot about babies. I’ve never even touched a baby. But I know you can’t put one in the freezer. You know how I know this? Because if Americans could do that, oh, they would. Oh, absolutely. There are yuppie couples. It’d be like, “Geez, we’re so busy this month.” “Fuck. And we’ve always wanted to see Italy. You know, “just put the baby in the freezer.” “When we get back from the trip, we’ll thaw it out.” Okay, here is the last thing I’ll say about this, and then I’ll get off it. But in a recent poll, 61% of Americans agreed with the statement religion solves all or most of my problems. Which is great. Expect for one little thing. It doesn’t. Oh, yeah. That’s right. It doesn’t. You can’t pray away global warming. And that’s the difference… between religious people and sane people. We– It is. We fear different things. I fear climate change. They fear a demon in a red body suit with a pitch fork. I fear terrorists getting a nuclear bomb into the port of Long Beach. They fear not getting picked when their imaginary friend comes back for the Rapture. You know, the– “Oh, I was in the bathroom. “And the Rapture came. Fuck, I–” Here is a frightening statistic. One out of four Americans believes that Jesus will return to Earth in their lifetime. See, that’s religion. Ego. Masquerading as humility. Jesus is coming back. Of course he’s going to want to meet me. “Hi, Jesus! Bob Flemstine, big fan.” “Big fan. “I know you’re crazy busy with the Rapture and everything. “But could you sign?” I– I don’t want to be that guy, but… So, you know, people come up to me all the time and they say, “Bill, I’m with you. I saw your movie. “We’re right here. “You know, I don’t believe in that crazy Biblical nonsense, “just the central story.” Oh, you mean the stupidest part? I mean, come on. God had a son. I mean, time-out. God had a son? He is powerful beyond all imagination. He exists in a realm above time and space but he has kids? What is this bonanza? He has a son. God had a son and he said to him, “Jesus, I am sending you down to Earth on a suicide mission.” “But don’t worry, they can’t kill you “because you’re really me. “But it is going to hurt for a few days. “I’m not gonna lie about that, son. “There’s about three days you’re going to hate me. “But I’m doing this for you. “I mean me! “What am I saying? I’m me. You’re me. “You’re you. But… “I know myself but I have you. Me! What am I saying?” Anyway, all right. Now… “Now, Jesus, here is the plan. “I, God the father, wink, wink. “I’ll go down to Earth first. “You see, we’ll split up the work ’cause there’s two of us. “Not really. “I’m going down to Earth and I’ll see if I can’t find a… “virgin Palestinian woman to impregnate “so that she can give birth to you. “I mean me.” “What am I saying?” It’s like Faye Dunaway in “China Town.” My sister. My daughter. My sister. My daughter. I mean… It is one of the silliest stories I’ve ever heard but I don’t mean to offend. But you know, I– Look, I get it. Jesus was a cool guy with the hippy philosophy and the long walks on the water that turns into fishing trips with the guys. I– You know, I’m down with all that. You know, it doesn’t sound crazy that story to us because we’re used to it. It’s been around for 2,000 years. To really understand how whack religion is, you have to look at the new religions. Which for this country is Mormons and Scientologists. Who I think should merge and make more montology. But that’s where you really see it. Because, for example, every religion has a creation myth. You know what the Scientology Creation Myth is? They think that 12 trillion years ago, a time frame no scientist believe exists, but okay… 12 trillion years ago, a galactic warrior named Xenu was looking to depopulate his planet so he took all the souls to Earth, bury them under volcanoes and blew them up later with atom bombs. Now just for a moment, imagine the balls it takes to stand in front of another human being and tell them what happened 12 trillion years ago. And I don’t mean in general terms like the planets were cooling. I mean he knows the dude’s name. Xenu. Oh, yeah. That cat from 12 trillion– Yes, of course, Xenu. I mean if someone tells you this… story, the only logical response is to say, “Well, I guess anything’s possible.” And then backpedal while maintaining a smile and dialing 911 in your pocket. ‘Cause that’s fucking crazy. So you know… Jesus, Xenu, either you believe in ghosts or you don’t. People say what’s the harm with religion? It’s mass delusion. Any time there’s mass delusion, bad things do follow. So I’ll get off that now. But, you know, mass delusion… We have it in politics too. I don’t know if it’s exactly separated but… I saw a recent poll… 58% of republicans don’t think Barack Obama is an American. Because he has a “birth certificate” that looks exactly like everyone elses. But no. He’s not an American. Hawaii is not a state. And um… They’d like to give him a blood test. He might be a werewolf. You know what, I will show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma. How about that? Right. As a comedian, you can always depend on Sarah Palin to take a drink of water. That’s what I– That’s what I love about this bitch. Okay. But… But you know, I mean, a lot of this birther stuff is obviously just racism. It’s funny the way– Racism has really grown up if you will, you know, from the Jim Crow days. It’s just a lot more subtle. You know, it’s– During the campaign, Last campaign, I remember in Pennsylvania, a Northern state, something like 10% of the people told pollsters, that is, they said right out in public, that they were “not ready” for a black president. You know, and the media treated this very– Yeah, not ready. You know, nothing racist there. Just not– Not ready. You know, the man’s not ready. I’m not ready. Please, I am very fragile right now. Maybe in 10 years, I could bear the sight of a black man getting on Air Force One, but right now, I’m– I’m not ready. Okay. You know, I mean, look. Conservatives, there are– I know so many of them. They do my show. They’re nice people. So many of them so nice. But they do have a blind spot about race. Which is why they… The only racism they can see now is reverse racism. Right. This was the big problem with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is that she was a reverse racist. Yes, that’s the problem. For too long, Puerto Rican women have had their boot on the neck of the white man. But I’m telling you, the Conservatives are nice people. They don’t see it that way. They don’t dislike Sonia Sotomayor as a woman or a person or a cleaning lady, you know. The– It’s just that, you know, you have to understand the tea bagger mindset. They have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from this that used to be that was better. It’s really the 1950’s, okay? That’s what they think was Shangri-La and you know what they never get is that… It’s kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era. ‘Cause it wasn’t that good for a lot of people. It was good if you were a white man. It wasn’t that good if you were Mexican or Black or Jewish or disabled or gay or a woman. I mean… You know that… You know that in the 1950’s, the big sitcom was the Honeymooners, right? And every week, Ralph Kramden at some point in the show, when Alice got under his skin, he would say, “To the moon, Alice!” That’s right. America’s biggest sitcom star would basically say, “You stupid cunt. If you continue to annoy me, “I’m going to punch you in the face.” “I’m going to ball up my fist “and punch you in the fucking face until you hit another planet.” And America was completely cool with this. They were like, “Well, he is the husband. I mean, “if she’s annoying him, he has every right “to punch her in the face.” It’s hard to imagine Ray Romano doing that, you know. So you know, to be pining for this era, and that’s what it always is. The cry from Goober Nation. Always about, “We want our country back!” You know, like it went anywhere. And Obama is taking away our freedoms. What– What freedoms exactly has he taken away? I think just the freedom to live under a white president? I think that’s the only freedom we’ve actually seen taken away. And you know, there’s a– And ever since Obama came on the scene, there is a word that has been sticking in their throats that they would love to say, but they can’t. ‘Cause it’s not the 1950’s. They would love to say this word. It begins with “N” and ends with “R” and it’s not ‘Nation Builder’. But they can’t. So they call him a… Socialist or a Communist or a community organizer. You get the– Every name in the book. The funniest during the campaign when they ran out of every other word they said, “He was a celebrity.” Oh, fuck. Not that of all things, a celebrity attracting large crowds to stadiums. Whatever. If you like that sort of a thing. Lots of people who believe in you. Yeah. John McCain was in the much more appropriately sized function room at the Olive Gardens. And half of those people came for the free prostate exam. Oh, I kid the Republicans. They can fill stadiums, like the Superdome during Katrina. They filled that one. What I said you didn’t boo. Look at your boo. I kid the Republicans, with love. It’s all love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they going to run? Sarah Palin reading off her hands. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote tax cuts on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing? Tax cuts? This is like, if you saw the coyote’s paw and it said, “Roadrunner.” I mean, tax cuts. Well, that’s what she wrote for the tea baggers. For her husband, she wrote other hole on her ass. Nothing funny about that, sir. I agree with you. Nothing funny about that. I cannot wait to get home and tear this sweater vest off. But really, who do they got? They got Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, who I believe is a department store mannequin. I think that’s who they’re running there. And uh… And of course, Bobby Jindal. The 19-year-old head of the A.V. Department in Louisiana. I mean… Have you seen that Bobby Jindal guy? I– I think the Republicans think he’s black. I do. I do. I think they are like, “We got to get some of that Obama mojo working for us.” “Who we got? “We got Bobby Jindal. We got Bobby Jindal. “Great. We got Bobby Jindal.” “He is a what?” “Close enough.” Okay, that’s close enough. He– He sure ain’t white. We know that. No, ironically, the two great white hopes of the Republican party for 2012 is going to be John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada and Governor of Argentina, Mark Sanford. I mean, South Carolina. Both who got caught cheating. On the bright side, it’s good to see Republicans fucking women again. For a while there, we didn’t know, but uh… But actually Mark Sanford, your neighbor, It’s why I do this show here. There’s so much material. But I think in the long run, he’s going to come out good. Because you know what? He’s the one politician who got caught. And it wasn’t lust. It was love. And we have the emails to prove it. Did you read his emails? I mean, they were like you’ve opened up a new chapter in my life where I am content just being. You know this is the stuff that gives women a pussy boner. Really. “I long for the touch of your fingertips “and a deeper connection to your soul.” He wrote that. I mean, how does the wife compete with that? “I make a nice pot roast?” I mean, what the– But you know, this was love. I think women are going to embrace this. ‘Cause every other politician we ever caught, it was always just this sick sort of take advantage lust. Always some pathetic campaign roadkill. “My wife just looked the other way. “Touch my cock.” “When that door closes, you have three minutes to blow me.” “And then I’ll go out and shake hands with people.” You know, it’s like– I know. No, the one I– the one I actually admire in this realm, Elliot Spitzer, got a hooker, okay? Honest. Honest. Not to mention that he is the Elliot-ness of the financial world. We could use his talents now. But, you know… Okay, he got a hooker and then there was all this editorial, hand-ringing. For months I read article after article about we have to stop prostitution, the exploitation and the abuse. And there is some of that. And we should try to stop that. But you know… In the interest of keeping it real, I just like to say in 21st century America, a lot of chicks are just ho’s. Just ho’s. There’s no abuse. There’s no exploitation. They’re just ho’s. That’s why rappers are always thinking about ho’s. # Oh, we got ho’s, In different area codes, # # Everywhere we go, We see the same– # Every– There’s just a lot of ho’s. There’s just a lot of lazy bitches who go, “Gee, I can work 40 hours a week at Kentucky Fried Chicken… “Or I can blow Colonel Sanders for 10 minutes.” But really, America, get over the denial about sex. They don’t even know what it is. It’s not real. A hooker… Spitzer gets a hooker. And then I constantly read, what sort of fantasy was he trying to fufill with a hooker. Okay. Let’s get something straight. When he was home masturbating, that’s when he needed the fantasy. Okay, he was home masturbating. He was thinking about a woman when he was fucking his hands. That’s when you need fantasy. You’re fucking your hand. When he got the hooker, that was reality. You see? Person. I’m in a human being. I’m fucking a person. Reality, I’m fucking my hand. Fantasy. Person, reality. Hand, fantasy. You know. It’s not like, you know… Your hand is good. It’s not like, “Oh, hand!” Happy Valentine’s Day, ladies and gentlemen. Or as Tiger Woods calls it, “My busy season.” Hey, he’s the latest one. They sent him to sex rehab. Oh, give me a break. Sex re– He’s a sex addict. Yes, it’s very sad. He was hiding pussy around the house. It’s– He had it up in the chandelier. Oh, it was so sad. Tiger Woods in sex rehab. This is not going to work. He asked for a therapist with big tits right away. But, you know, every time in America, some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story. “Why do men cheat?” Oh, take a wild fucking guess, would you? I think you’re overthinking this. They’re not looking for fantasy. They’re looking for sex. That’s it. They want sex. And not just sex. They want new sex. The way women want new shoes. Right? You have shoes. They’re perfectly good shoes. You don’t want those shoes. You want new shoes. We want a person. You want a shoe. But you’re morally superior. I’m sure I’ll get that some day but… But, you know… Okay. I’ll get to you later. But you know, the denial. And not just hetro denial. The gay denial is even worse. Did you see that HBO special on the Reverend Ted Haggard? You know, all these Christians who get caught being gay. And of course, they can’t even admit that there’s such a thing as homosexuality. “It’s just sinning…” You know, Ted Haggard’s quote. I’ll never forget. It’s true. He said, “He was impacted by homosexuality.” I swear. “Impacted.” Yes, mostly when he was on his stomach, he was impacted by– He was compacted by homosexuality, I think. I mean, Senator Larry Craig gets caught in the bathroom at the Minneapolis Northwest Terminal Airport with his foot all the way, halfway under the next stall. Doesn’t deny it. In the– This is the gayest pickup place in America. Don’t ask me how I know this. But you know, you think if you were caught in this position in that place, you’d just be like, “Okay, you got me. What can I say? “This is how I was made. “I was drawn this way. I’m gay.” End of story. But, no. To concoct this defence, this making it a cause that “No, I just happened to need a wide stance. I– “I speak for all innocent heterosexuals.” “I mean, I’ve shat in quite a few stalls in my life. “I never needed to put my foot anywhere near the other stall, “let alone halfway into it.” “I mean… “I… I can’t imagine what would be “so wrong with my ass.” “What intestinal issues I would have “to need to stretch this much to pinch out a loaf?” “But if I had it outside, I wouldn’t be shitting in public.” Listen to this, there was a– Couple of years ago, this big megachurch Reverend in Alabama died. Under very embarrassing circumstances– I shouldn’t say his name– Gary Aldridge, the Reverend, Gary Aldridge, close friend of Falwell, had a megachurch, big Republican fundraiser… Get this, he was found dead of what authorities called auto-erotic affixiation. Yes, yes, people know the term from David Carradine. No joke. But that’s how he died too. Same thing. He had a rope tied around his throat. One tied around his balls and the third rope, tying them together. You know, on the bright side, he did earn a merit badge. So… All right. One joke. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. I did one joke but… But, listen to this. The Reverend Gary Aldridge was found hanging hogtied wearing two rubber suits with a ball gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass. Or as it’s known in Republican circles, “natural causes.” And what I love is, I swear to you, I’m quoting verbatim. The church put out a statement after that saying we are taking this in the strong arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and we ask the public to refrain from speculation. Right. You die with a dildo up your ass and people just talk, talk, talk. And this is why I found it so silly that the media has been fretting for the last year that comedy is over because Bush is gone. Can comedy continue without Bush? Yes, I think it can. Is Obama a slightly harder target? Good. I’m glad he is. I’ll take that for the team. I’m glad my president isn’t a moron or a horn dog. Fantastic. You know… Now, on the other side, people– audiences have to get used to the fact that when I make a joke about Obama, I’m not making a joke about all black people. Same way as when I made a joke about Bush, it wasn’t a swipe at all retarded people. And I also think now that Obama has the job, he could black it up a little. Throw us a bone. You know, do something. Put a shark tank in the White House. Get fat, talk in rhymes, something. Would it kill him every once in a while to put on a purple suit with 20 buttons up the front? Come on. I got kids to feed. I also would feel a lot better if instead of the Secret Service, he had a typical black celebrity’s entourage. I would feel better. If he had like eight, 350-pound bling wearing, tattooed, thuggie, ex-con motherfuckers, I would sleep very well at night. I want to see Ving Rhames and Suge Knight around this president… at all times and… I think every black celebrity should have to give up one member of his entourage. Like an expansion draft in baseball. You know, just… Come on, Busta Rhymes, you can afford a cousin. That would be country first, right? Everybody’s talking about country first. You know, country– See, this is what a lot of people had a problem with McCain. I used to like McCain. But when you run for President, under a banner that says “Country first” and you pick Palin… You know what, we’re Americans. We’re used to a lot of hypocracy, but that’s a bridge too far. To set up your whole deal as… you know, “It’s a dangerous world out there and I, John McCain, “am the only thing that stands between you “and blood thirsty Al-Qaeda.” “And if I die, this spokesmodel from the car show will take over.” Come on. You know… Yeah, you can say I’m piling on the Republicans. But you know, they do it to themselves. They have chosen to become an anti-intellectual party. It’s okay to have ideological differences. You need ideological differences. But they keep nominating people who just don’t know enough to do the job. Sarah Palin is a bimbo. Bush was a bimbo. Dan Quayle was a bimbo. People who just don’t know enough. Oh, it’s sold to us by saying, “Well, you want to have a beer with them.” “Here’s a guy who want to have a beer with–” Yeah, I want to have a beer with them and I want to take the bottle and crack it over their fucking head. You know, when did– When did dumb… become synonymous with real American? “We’re the backbone of this country.” Calm down, sling blade. You’re actually not. Statistics will prove. They’ve such a high opinion of themselves, don’t they? You know… That, like, Obama went to make the commencement speech last May at the graduation at Arizona state. And you know, it’s customary to give the speaker, whoever it is, an honorary degree. But Arizona state did not give it to Obama. They said his body of work is yet to come. Right. He’s the first black president of the United States. Let’s see if he makes something of himself. Are you kidding me? What posers! Arizona state– You gave it to Tommy Lasorda last year, for crying out loud! Arizona state. “Oh yes, we have standards.” “We’re the Harvard of the Navaho Valley. We– “We can’t be giving that to anybody.” “First black president.” “I guess it is eye-catching on a resume but–” Fuck you. I’ve been to that school. It’s a party mill. It’s a football school. You know when strippers say, “I’m working my way through college.” That’s the college. You know, they… These folks– They just won’t give it up that he’s really president. You know. Conservatives. I got to say, you know, when the election goes the wrong way for them, it’s not legitimate. They just can’t stand. They’re so bitter that their claw, their bony liver-spotted crypt keeper claw got pried off the levers of power so they just went mental. Like you know what they cannot keep on the shelves in America? Guns and ammo. Even though Obama and every other pussy Democrat has never even mentioned the issue, these people are so sure that he and his Negro army are coming for their guns. They’re gonna confiscate your guns and indoctrinate your children and socialize your wealth. Then they’re going to replace apple pie with chicken and waffles. And I think they’re going to appoint a cabinet of Shaft, Foxy Brown, Dolemite, Mandingo, Super Fly, Cleopatra Jones and Blackula. I mean, it’s all just fear of a black planet. Isn’t it? I mean, what does Rush Limbaugh do for a living? He scares white men as they get into their truck for lunch. You know… It’s always some… some new liberal boogie man who’s going to snatch the American dream away from the real American. The blacks or the French. The Mexicans or the gays. The environmentalists or Hollywood, or activist judges… feminazis… Hillary. You know, Ooh, if you can demonize Hillary, you’re good. A blander centrist, you will never meet. Che Guevarra in a pant suit, she is not. If you hate Hillary, you were molested by a real estate lady or something. Really. That’s– That’s what they do. They stoke up this fear in people and get them to vote against their own economic interest. Joe the Plumber. Perfect example. Remember, they– They held up Joe the Plumber as the epitome of the guy who was going to lose if Obama wins the election, ’cause Obama is going to steal the American dream from Joe. Oh yes, I’m snaking out a septic tank. Pinch me. But Joe hated Obama ’cause Obama was going to raise taxes 3% on people making over $250,000 a year. Even though Joe didn’t have a job, didn’t have any money, didn’t even have a plumber’s license. But he was going to! “I’m going to buy that plumbing business, Alice, “and we’re going to be rich!” Joe was getting killed on the taxes on the imaginary business in his head. This is what they do. They get the people to vote against their own interest. Health care. Did you see the people this summer at the town hall meetings fighting health care? These obese, stressed-out, angry old white people, heart attacks waiting to happen. You saw that guy with the sign that said keep your government hands off of my medicare? You saw this? Who did he think was running medicare? Sears? Monsanto. I mean… You know, drawing a Hitler mustache on Obama? Right, Obama’s Hitler ’cause he wants to give you health care. That’s such a Nazi thing to do. It really is. Whenever I think of the Nazis, I think health care. Look, you know, socialized medicine. This is the word that they phrase it. They always invoke to get, “Oh, so, so, can’t have that. That’s a slippery slope to the Gulag.” ‘Cause, you know, Americans hate Socialism. They don’t know what it is, but they know it’s… something super awful like gay marriage or child pornography or something really– Oh, please. Arkansas doesn’t have Capitalism yet. You’re worried about Socialism. They’re still curing people with moonshine and leaches down there. Plus we already have Socialism… in America. We just have it for the rich. There was no… There was no problem with Socialism at the beginning of the Meltdown when Henry Paulson walked into the Oval Office and demanded $700 billion for the banks right away. No time to read the fine print. “What’s that, lassie? A.I.G.’s in trouble?” “Well, run to Fort Knox and get them all the gold, girl.” You know this nonsense about “Let’s give all the money to the rich people. They create jobs.” No, they don’t. They eliminate jobs. That’s how they get richer. They’re not interested in creating jobs. They’re interested in creating wealth for themselves. You read about these pricks with their $1,000 shower curtains and their private jets and their gold faucets and the… antique commodes and the “Eyes Wide Shut” orgies or whatever… I mean, there’s no end to the bullshit rich fucks will spend money on. “It’s 9:00, time for my wine enema.” Use the good stuff tonight. So, I’m glad that the executives at Shitibank and… Skank of America and Notorious A.I.G. got to keep their sailboats. But… You know what? That we bailed them out and they’re charging 30% interest on credit cards. I mean… You know, and the Democrats are okay with this? That’s the problem in America. The supposed, progressive party is in bed with the same lobbyists as the other clowns. And you know, when Obama ran for President, every rally he would say, “This is your time.” Well, you know what, President Chocolate Thunder, this is your time. You know what, you need to get a little harder. I said this months ago. He needed to lay it on the line against the corporations. And I agree with the people who now agree with me. You know, he needs a little Bush and Cheney in his personality. Not policies, personality. Because, you know, they had terrible ideas, but they got them through and they didn’t care who liked them. In an interview once, they asked Dick Cheney, they said, “You know, most people now don’t want troops in Iraq.” And Cheney said, “So?” In other words, we won the election. Now we’re going to do what we think is right. You have an opinion? Go Twitter it to Rick Sanchez. And the next time somebody says to Obama, “You know, the people think that your health care policy is Socialism.” He should say, “So?” The people can’t name three branches of governments. They’re full of fear and misinformation. Drag them to it. Try to explain health care to them. It’s like trying to explain to your dog, “Why you’re going to the vet?” Just open the car door and jingle the leash and talk like this and he’ll go. Just give the people health care. These tea baggers are protesting it. Five years after they have it, they’ll forget they were against it. They’ll like it. They’ll be defending it. They’ll have signs that say, “Keep your government hands off my Nazi health care!” But, I don’t lose perspective. I know if the election had gone the other way, and it was now old man McCain and Cruella de Ville who were running the show, it would be a barber economy and we’d be at war with Honduras, so… I try to keep in mind what Obama always says which is that you can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the necessary. Which is pretty good. And a quote from Voltaire, by the way. Who Bush thinks is a Harry Potter character. So… I gotta say, that’s something I love about Obama. He never loses an opportunity to give it to Bush. Even when he was being inaugurated. As Bush was sitting like five feet away. And he just kept giving him shot after shot after shot. Never by name. You know, just… “We are ready to lead again.” That’s cool. I mean, he is cool. You got to give him that and… I– You know how I know he is cool? ‘Cause I know a lot of women who say, “Boy, I would love to be his Monica Lewinsky.” I know. I’m not saying you go for it. I just think– I just think it’s a good thing for the country when the chicks want to blow the president. I do. I think it’s good for the country. The chicks are in a better mood. Everybody else is in a better mood. It just– It’s a lot about mood. Come on, we are a fragile people right now. We have to be– you know, keep that mood up. Obama knows it. You see, like, he does everything he can to remind us that we have something new and energetic and fresh. You ever notice that whenever he is introduced, he always runs up to the podium. Even if it’s just two feet away, he gives us a little run to put it in our mind that it could be McCain with the walker, you know. It could have been… # dum-dum-dum-dum # That would have been so… dun! ‘Cause whether you like it or not, the President is the most ubiquitous presence in our lives. He’s the one guy who is on TV every day. That’s for eight years, it was like the channel was stuck on “hee-haw.” And now, I just feel better. You know, for one thing, this is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city… From a place I would go. He’s from Chicago. I love Chicago! I go there. Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas or Plains, Georgia or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! These are reasons small towns are small. No one wants to live there. It’s true. So you know, I relate to this couple in the White House. They relate to each other. Which is something I haven’t seen also in my lifetime. You know, I mean, they look at each other in the eye! They fist-bump. I think he’s getting a little first nookie. I do, you know. Sometimes, you see. He looks at her like, “How would you like to fuck the most powerful man in the world tonight?” And I love her. She looks at him like, “Maybe.” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. ‘Cause I knew you would be here. Thank you. A pleasure. Thank you. I have one other surprise for you, ’cause we’re way over time and you know, Real Sex 28 is coming up. We got to get out of here. Seriously… Damn, you laughed too much. But, you know, I was just talking about Obama and I have to say that you know, he got the Nobel prize for peace. You know, a lot of people said, “What, he’s conducting wars.” I agree. But also, he’s made this outreach to the Muslim world which I love. ‘Cause I don’t want a million or billion people being pissed at me for any reason. You know, that is the one area where we have to lower tensions and there are a few signs that things might be getting better. I read in the paper the other day that for the first time, Saudi Arabia had a fashion show. Their top designer, Muslim Dior… is on a world tour with his spring line and they just happened to be in Raleigh, North Carolina tonight. And I asked some of the models if they would come over. Would you like to see the… You would? You want to see the Muslim Dior fashion show? Okay. Then, start the music because I think you will really like this. Ah. Sleek and stylish in this wool blend. An ajeeba is hot, hot, hot! And not just from wearing a suffocating tarp in the desert. It’s a look that screams, “Look out world, I’m a woman of the 12th century.” Turn heads without losing yours. In this sizzling Saudi sheath, be the wife that he calls for tonight. And every night. Ah, here is lovely Neema in a coketter’s little outfit that showcases the girl inside the woman inside the stifling female containment unit. It’s first class clothing for second class citizens. And it shows off your curves in all the right places. The top of your head, your shoulders and absolutely nowhere else. Dress it up for morning prayers or dress it down for midnight stonings. This one says my mulla brings all the boys to the yard. Oh, isn’t Kaleela just scrumtous in this business, casual abaya by dawn of the Koran? It’s a throwback pullover that says, “I’m too sexy for my Shiite.” You’ll be proud to walk five steps behind your husband in this ensemble. It’s also perfect for when you don’t like leaving the house, because if you do, you’ll be beaten. Available at K-Mart by Isaac Jihadi. And finally, here comes lovely Annan. Annan is wearing a daring French cut with a plunging eye slit. Slut! This one comes in black and dark black. And it’s guaranteed to get your man so hot he’ll want to crack you on the ankle with a long stick. Whether you’re on the go or simply knowing your place, nobody does refreshing like Muslim Dior. By the way, Annan is the winner of Saudi Arabia’s “Next Top Model” and I think you can see why. How about a hand for the fashion models from the Muslim Dior show? All right. We got to get out of here. Thank you. You were great. I appreciate it. Thank you, folks.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Pablo Francisco: Ouch! Live From San Jose (2006) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pablo-francisco-ouch-live-san-jose-2006-full-transcript/

“Are you ready?” “Brokeba…homies”. That’s good. It’s about a six on that one. “Are you ready?” Pablo! Pablo! “All right, here we go.” No, that’s a three at most. “Alright. Hey.” “Hi, I’m William Hung. Hello.” That’s about a seven. Pablo! Pablo! “Are you ready? Are you? Are you ready?” Yes, I’m ready. Okay. Alright. Here we go. – Ouch. Yes! Thank you for coming out. Yeah, the music, yeah. So what’s up, San Jose? Scream at me! Right there, baby. Sing it! It’s good to be here. I was in San Francisco last night. That place is just off the hook. Party. Drinking. You gotta go to rehab after you go to San Francisco. “Hi, my name is Pablo. It’s the lights of San Francisco!” I saw some band last night. Did you ever go on a blind date with a chick? This chick was hot. “Come on, let’s go out, let’s do it!” Let’s go to dinner. “Let’s go to a concert, let’s go!” Okay, anything for pussy. Come on, let’s go. We saw some Death Metal band. Yeah, the singer sings like… “This is pretty funny, who are they?” “This is real serious!” “Decomposure! That’s David Bloodclot from Decomposure.” Do we have some of that music? Play some of it. Yeah, that’s a jazzy part. “Yo, sing it, baby!” Cut it off. He gives me the album. “Here’s our album, man, play it when you’re…” And they took themselves seriously. “Our next song comes from our first album.” “What’s he saying? I don’t know.” “He’s a monster, he sings like a creature.” “Hell, yeah!” “And they all have goatees and look menacing.” “Right on. Badass. This song’s about politics and Israel. Hell, yeah.” They’re all idiots. “This song is from our first album, Fight for a Stupid Cause.” How do you write lyrics to that? “Umm, let’s see here. I don’t know if I…” “Maybe…” “Dude, how do you spell…?” “How do you spell that? I’ve got writer’s block.” “My musical influences are Cookie Monster…” “Is cookie! Is cookie!” “…Jabba the Hut…” “…my cat when it’s in pain..” “Come on, get it from here. Come on.” “Come on, get out.” “He’s a monster singer. Sounds like a creature.” Background bassist: Chewbacca. “Got my background orchestra.” Bullcrap. “I work part time at Hot Topic.” Have you seen the freaks that work there? I love that place. I want to get a good laugh. Let me go to the Hot Topic. They’re Gothic. They’re cool. Have you ever walked in there? “Can you help me?” Darkness falls across the land The midnight hour’s close at hand Selling clothes for you to return Every employee has lip rings or ear… They change them every day so they don’t know what hole to put them in. Maybe this one today. And black fingernail polish. That’s… There’s a leak somewhere. They’ve probably got leaks where they put their earrings… “Where’s that coming from?” “Get me a bucket of water so I can find it.” “There it is! Found it.” Lip rings! They’ve got lip rings. One’s okay, but like, twelve of them? Hellraiser! It looks like a paper shredder, or something. “Do you want your receipt, Sir?” “Credit cards are not working, man!” “I’ve got a chain that goes from my eyebrow to my ear-” “- all the way down to my nipple. I pull and it flushes the toilet.” “I’ve got a silver nugget in my pecker.” “Make it longer. Nuggets.” “I go through all the pain that I covered up.” “I’ve got a nugget. If I can’t get it up when I’m drunk, I use a magnet.” “Put it on the refrigerator. Get some lettuce, bread, beans, milk.” Beans. “Beans?” “That’s right, man, and I’ve got tattoos, bro.” Every Death Metal guy has tattoos. “I’ve got tattoos that represent nothing.” “Well, this one represents I can’t hold my liquor at 3 a.m.” “And this one right here is a dragon, and skeleton-” “- that merges into…it transforms.” You ladies really screw up on your tattoos. “I’m going to get my little Japanese symbols.” Yeah, right. “Let’s tease him, girls. Come on.” “Let’s go to the nightclub and show how wild we are. Come on.” “It’s Japanese!” Hey, great. But I can’t read Japanese. “It means ‘freedom’. In Japanese.” In Korean it means ‘kick me’. “Stop it! Don’t!” You gotta live up to it, though. If you’ve got a tattoo, you’ve got to live up to it. “I’m wild, but deep inside I’m a big wuss.” “You want to party? Come on, what’s up?” They’re like, “No, I got a test in the morning”. Don’t be a rookie. If you wear a tattoo, like Cher. She knows how to wear a tattoo. You know Cher… Baby save all your tears The little string up the butt. If I can turn back time Yeah. She makes you feel. She knows the man’s mentality. You feel like you’ve had sex with her when you talk to her. Have you seen that video? If I can turn back time She’s on that big ol’ boat with the Navy guys. Every single one of them is thinking, “We’re going to fuck her!” And she leaves them, Blue balls you’ve got big blue balls Look at that picture. At the funhouse, “Make it in the mouth”. “Come on guys. One ball in, think of the prizes you can get.” “Come on down to the Fair Pablito. Here’s one, make it in the eye.” “We’re going to the fair, Booboo.” Ladies. “I’m going to get the American flag.” Or get Indian. Indian Cherokee. That’s what I’m going to get on my woman’s butt. “Right there. It means ‘all talk, no play’.” Ladies, if you want to turn on the guy, get the Xbox controller. Do that. “Game over.” Guys, if you get a tattoo, make it work for you. Right here, on your belly, get half a gun. “What’s up, man?” “Whoa, shit!” “He has a gun, whoa.” “I’m coming in this party, wassup?” “Whoa.” If you have a small pecker, get a bigger pecker. Get a police badge or something. You’re drunk in your car, a cop pulls you over. “I can drink in this jurisdiction.” But thank you for coming out to the show here in San Jose. It’s great. San Jose, you’ve got that little train that goes into downtown. That’s kind of trippy. Bar, sidewalk, train. “Let’s drink and then…” No guardrails to help you out. Like a real train: “Watch out, you may die if you cross this.” This one just… You gotta watch out. I saw some guy running in a suit, and his tie is caught in there. “Hey, there’s my friend, I want to…” I’ve used the train to my advantage. “Come on, you want some crap?” “Wassup, step back, man. You want something, let’s do it.” “Step back…” You have no gentlemen’s club here. You have non-alcoholic nude bars. “I’m on my way to the non-alcoholic nude bar.” “A round of waters for all my friends.” “Get me an orange juice that tastes like melted popsicle and spit.” I know those… From the first… “It’s going to happen. She likes me. Yep.” “Dang, man!” It’s the non-alcoholic nude bar! I’d rather watch my sister shower naked. Non-alcoholic nude bar! You’ve only got Coke and whatever…water. Bring your own juice, they get pissed off. “You got your own juice? Get the hell out of here.” Bring your own liquor, that’s what you can do. Orange juice with a little bit of…mmm, vodka. The girls get pissed off at all naked bars. “It’s a fantasy, baby. It’s a fantasy.” “Where are you from? Come on, let’s party.” “This is a fantasy. While the song’s playing, we’re in it together.” “Then fantasize this one dollar bill is a twenty.” At the non-alcoholic nude bar! Then I went to San Francisco. Chinatown. Chinatown. Alright. Chinatown, alright. Everybody walks fast in Chinatown. “Leave me alone. I very angry.” “Very sad. Very angry.” “Can you tell me where to go to a good restaurant?” “Leave me alone.” Everyone’s just walking fast. Everyone walks fast in Chinatown. If Chinatown had music, it would be… They walk fast in Chinatown… “I have to go to the bathroom…” Okay. “Very angry.” How do you get directions in Chinatown? “What you need to do is go…down… up…” “When you get to… you’ve gone too far.” They’re smart, though. They speak American and Chinese. Only when they step out of Chinatown, though. “…and I got the Dobson Report the other day.” “Let me go back there and check that out.” Chinatown. Chinatown. My friend lives in Chinatown. One of my best friends lives there. He lives in an all-Chinese residence. And you can hear the Chinese people having sex. The walls are thin, I thought it would be like… But it’s not like that. It’s like… “What, are they having sex? What’s going on over there?” “Are they fighting?” “That’s what I thought.” “I thought they were fighting, but they’re really getting it on.” They go slow and then they end quick. When they’re done, that music comes on. You want to see what they look like. Are they a hot couple? ‘Cause in Chinatown. Everyone looks like Jackie Chan in Chinatown. Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan! “Jackie Chan’s the nicest guy in every movie.” Thank you. Thank you. “But everybody wants to mess with him.” “Leave me alone. What happening?” Have you seen this movie? “What happening? Leave me alone!” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Do you want the diamonds? Leave me alone.” “He’s been taking martial arts for twenty-five years.” “But I want no trouble.” “I’ve just been studying punches and breaking necks, but for exercise.” “I want no… Leave me alone.” That’s every Jackie Chan movie… The guy is up to a headlock, kick. “You must make a stupid face when you do it.” “He can really take on 12 people, dude.” Bullcrap. Do you believe all that martial arts stuff? “Bruce Lee is badass.” They put some colored paint on his chest. “He can really take on 12 people.” Of course he can! “Near miss. You go down on purpose. I tell you what to do.” “Check’s in the mail.” “Leave me alone.” “Jackie Chan…” He always says the word ‘pan’ when he fights. “Pan. Pan. Leave me alone. Pan.” What, spraystick non-Pan? “No. Leave me alone. Pan.” “He’s the nicest guy in every movie-” “- but everybody wants to mess with him.” “Hey you, what are you eating?” “I eat banana.” “Leave me alone.” “Get him!” “Hey you, where are you going?” “I’m going to church.” “Leave me alone.” “What’s that noise?” “I’m breathing.” “Get him!” Remember when martial arts were just real? Now they just walk on water. Walk on water. “I jump four stories to kick you.” “Jet Li is all special effects.” “Kill him.” “Here come bullet.” In every movie, Jackie Chan tries to play a different character. In Shanghai Noon he’s an Indian. “I am Indian. Hello.” “Hello. I am Indian. Hello.” “He’s an Indian. I believe he’s an Indian.” With Owen Wilson… Oh, it’s cool. He’s an Indian. ” Rumble in the Bronx.” He’s a store owner, he owns a store. “You leave my store alone.” “I’m cool. I’m cool.” “In Rush Hour 2 he’s a detective.” “Hello. Ding-dong.” “Rush Hour. Cover me!” “He’s a detective.” He’s Drunken Master, have you seen that one? “Drunken master, hello. Ding-dong.” ” Drunken Master.” What next? He’ll try to be a standup comedian? “In the forbidden world of comedy-” “- it takes one man to change a light bulb.” “He traded his black belt for the Borscht Belt.” “His own government dared him to go on stage.” “Knock-knock. Who’s there? Jackie Chan’s Fight Night at the Apollo.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Beef.” “Beef who?” “Beef broccoli.” “He does his own stunts-” “- but unfortunately, he does his own jokes.” “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Orange.” “Orange who?” “Aren’t you able to kick your ass?” “You! Your mother is so fat.” “How fat is she?” “She’s so fat, her intestinal tract is Great Wall of China.” I wrote that one yesterday. “Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Boo.” “Boo who?” “Crybaby” “You’ve probably seen all those martial arts in their stupid styles.” “Like ‘crane’.” “I stand like a crane.” “Bear.” “I learn from bear.” “Mantis.” “He knows, praying mantis.” “As a young child, they put him in the desert.” “Then he learned from a praying mantis.” Mine would be: “Paper. Rock. Scissor.” “Paper in your face.” “Rock in stomach. Scissor on nutsack.” Or Molesto. That would be mine. “He molests his own opponents.” “Watch out, he’s going to touch you in your thingy. Watch out.” “And he dry humps.” “What the hell? Watch out.” “I’m going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’s going to touch your dirty spot.” “He’II grab you for dry humping.” “He’II make them feel unsure.” “I’m leaving this fight, I’m unsure.” “I need a counselor.” “Go and see the master, go to see counselor.” Holy smoke, I’m sweating my butt off. There we go. Yeah. You guys are great for coming out. Thanks for coming out to the special. Alright. Spider-Man. I saw Spider-Man again. I just realized Spider-Man’s a big puss. Isn’t he? “Don’t die, Uncle Ben.” “Hey, Booboo. Hey. Mary Jane.” “Going to get some pussy, Boo?” Spider-Man: “Uncle Ben! Don’t die!” “Peter! You’re a pussy.” You’re a blocker. You’re a cockblocker. Cockblocker. He’s a sex blocker. I can say it since it’s Comedy Central. Sex blocker. Basically a guy who will go out of his way to make sure- – another guy doesn’t get intimate with a woman. He messes up the foreplay, even the sex. He’II knock on the door when you’re in a bedroom. “Dude, you gotta feed your fish!” “Yeah, Dude, they’re on top of the tank.” “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Brian.” Spider-Man is a big cockblock, isn’t he? He’s a blocker. That’s what the Green Goblin should have said- – when he had him gassed up: “Okay, Spider-Man.” “I ought to squash you like a bug.” “But you, going around New York, blocking everybody.” “Don’t you know Mary Jane’s going out with Harry?” “But no. You’re blocking everybody.” “You and the Daredevil are a bunch of cockblockers.” Because any superhero can get any puss. I guess so. “With great powers comes great pussy.” That’s right, they do. He’s Captain SexBlocker. Sexblocker. Look, it’s a truck, it’s an asshole, it’sa SexBlocker. Able to sexblock a whole bar. “You gotta pick up that wedding ring.” “Where’s those diapers? I thought you were gay. Did you fix that?” That’s right. He blocked that whole damn bar. He’s Captain SexBlocker. That’s right, my roommate. Every guy has his own technique. My roommate does. And every guy denies it, too. “Dude! It’s bros before hos.” Alright. “I would never do that.” Every guy has a technique. My roommate would do this to me. I’d be this close to getting a girl home. “You want to party?” “Yeah, let’s do it.” “You’re hot.” “Okay, it’s cool.” “Let me go to the bathroom.” My roommate: “Did you know he has herpes?” “Are you serious? Oh my God.” “I don’t know you, but I care about you.” “And he has herpes. Don’t look over there, he’s over there.” “Oh my god. I’m getting out of here, this is terrible.” “Hey, where’d she go? Who did this to me?” Captain SexBlocker! When you’re at the house, at the house, that’s the worst. You know, every guy has his own technique. He makes the 90120 faces. Did you ever watch those shows? They make that face like they’re smelling something bad. Is that Luke Perry’s ‘Dylan does it’? “On the next 901-whatever-20.” “Dylan’s dick is one inch.” You’ve got to smile at the end. “And Jason comes along, too.” He has a lot of pictures of himself. He’s a male dancer- at the Stardust in Las Vegas. He leaves 8 x 10 pictures of himself over the fireplace. The girls check it out. There are stupid ones, too. You know, posing. Who does that? “Girls check it out.” “Dude, why do you put your picture up there?” “Because when girls come over and they see I’m a male dancer…” “They put down their defenses, you know.” And he has really cheesy ones. And girls come over and see it. “Oh my god, who is this?” “You are so hot.” “Really? Thanks.” The girl goes, “I was a Budweiser girl, then Jaegermeister”. “My boss has a nice pool and he gets a photographer to come over.” “You want to see my portfolio? – Pablo, you don’t mind, do you?” “Let’s go in my room for seven hours.” And take her away. I think the best way to cockblock somebody… The best way to block somebody is this: Burn a disc of the cheesiest songs. So when he brings home a girl, just play that music. “Pablo, this is Brittany. We’re going to be in the bedroom.” “Can I play some music so I don’t hear the thumping?” “Yeah, go ahead.” I can’t stop this… “Dude, what the hell?” You can’t hump to that. Just keep on. Just keep playing music. “I’m sorry.” Tequila You gotta time it right. When the bed creaks, put the next song on. He did the Monster Mash I was working in the lab Late one night “Dude, what’s up, man?” Wake up Make up On the table Any System of a Down song you can’t… Whatever that was. It’s gotta be 1950s songs or something. Can you imagine someone pumping to that? Lollipop, lollipop… “I’m really sorry about this.” “Dude, what’s up, man?” “I’m playing music, what’s the deal?” Or put William Hung on. That would be good. Talk to me Tell me your name You got to… You got to… Right on, William Hung. Sing it, baby. Talk to me William Hung. He took the American Dream and shit on it. I saw him in real life. He really talks like that, I swear to God. He does, and he has an ego, did you know that? I go, “Hey! William Hung!” Don’t talk to me, don’t tell me your name “Wait, William Hung, wait!” William Hung… We all played the best practical joke on him. We don’t even know each other and we just, “Do it! Fuck it.” “Say he’s good, let him sing.” “You’re good, man. You go out there and show them!” “You really think so? You really think I can do it?” Talk to me, tell me your name He has a Christmas album out. Hung for Christmas Now he’s dissin’ on our holidays. That’s why his face is so flat. He went Christmas caroling- and they slammed a door in his face. Jingle bell, jingle bell… Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer… Frosty the snowman, he’s a… William Hung. Now he’s coming out with another album. Now he’s doing duets with famous stars, can you believe that shit? I swear to god, stars are lining up. Musicians, to do songs like… I don’t have much But I know I love So let me be Not me to know We no got the eye That’s right, he’s William Hung. “I’m Casey Kasem and now you can hear all your favorite hits-” “- with all your favorite stars.” “That’s right. My head is so big, it’s 10 friends on MySpace.” “That’s right. So sit back, relax and listen to Joe Cocker-” “- with William Hung…” And so we’re up where we belong On a mountainside With a side of rice I can show you the world Sun and shimmering splendor Call me dingdong… If you don’t… “That’s right, he’s not from China, he’s from Singapore.” “Because he sings really poor.” Thank you. And he also does the theme from Grease. My name is William. I sing at the malls. My face is flat. I can bite a wall. Come on. What? His face is flat, I swear to god. I saw him in the Las Vegas airport. His teeth hang out… He looks like sand people. He has those teeth out. They’re off the gumline. What does that sound like? Sounds like people playing basketball. “Man, that was off the gumline.” He should market his teeth. “It slices, it dices.” “It’s the William Hung teeth. That’s right, Susan.” “Take carrots and tomatoes and put it with the William Hung chopper.” She bite, she bite. He’s doing a Mentos commercial. Mentos, remember those commercials? Mentos. You always have a happy ending. Could be a guy robbing a bank, it’d still have a happy ending. It doesn’t matter what comes Freshness better with life Mentos freshness cool of life. Nothing gets to you like Mentos… Talk to me. Talk to me. He’d be a good cockblocker. Black people don’t cockblock, though. They see you with a girl, they compliment you. “Yo, man. Is that your girl?” “Yeah, man, what about it?” “Yeah, go for that, man! Take that, whoa.” You’re in bed with your girl- – and they just come out of the sheets. “Go for that!” “Come on, we don’t got no time!” That’s why they write the best love songs. To break the ice for us. Black people are the most important thing that happened to this country. They want us to break the ice. Put Latino songs on, girls are walking. You never know. You girls change your mind so much. We tried candies, flowers, movies, diamonds. “I don’t know. I may feel like this. Let me go home…” “Maybe I should? Should I sleep with him? I don’t know.” Come on… “No whammies!” “Aw…she changed her mind.” Black people, that’s why they write every song. They could write about… They could write songs about anything. They could write songs about arguing with their women. Shut up. Can’t you see two men are talking. They could write about a transvestite and make it sound good. When I first saw you, baby I knew you were fine But you had a dingdong And it changed my mind Forget the appetizer Forget the main course I knew you were a guy when your voice was hoarse You got a dingdong and tits You got a dingdong and tits Ya know you got a Dingdong and tits Thank you. Your camel toe looks like a catcher’s mitt I’m just joking. “Don’t make fun of black people.” “Chinese people. Latinos. What about that protest? Come on” That protest, they asked me to be in it. “Hey, dude. You want to be in the protest?” I did, I went there. I was driving to a topless bar- – and I took the wrong exit. Next thing you know, I’m in it. “Mexico!” The longest carwash I’ve ever been to. “Hey, dude, yeah.” “Okay, l’II tip you, you…” Never go to a Latino protest with a Datsun 280 ZX. Everyone is, “Hey, you want to sell it?” “Hey, dude, you want to sell it?” The protest. Yeah, black people went there, too. They were there at the protest. “Yo, where’s the pussy?” The protest, they get in your face. “Mexico!” “Mexico! What’s up, dude, Mexico!” “Puerto Rico!” That’s great, can you clean? No! It’s a joke. “Mexico, man! I’m proud, dude. I’m proud of Mexico.” “Go back.” “Screw that shit!” I’m just kidding, come on. Mexico. Mexico. They want jobs. “We want jobs, bro. What do you do?” “I’m a comedian.” I’ve never seen Mexican comedians straight from Mexico. “Over the fence, to the stage. Give it up for Ricky Impanela!” “Okay, how you doing?” “You ready for some bumper stickers?” “I’m a comedian from Mexico, I’ve got some bumper stickers.” “This one reads ‘Jesus Saves because he shops at Walmart’.” “This one says ‘My other car is probably yours’.” “This one says, ‘Guns don’t kill people, my cousin does’.” “Okay, the next time you want to get a family portrait, do what I do.” “Put your whole family in back of a pickup truck-” “- run a red light. It takes a picture.” “You ever go to a Mexican store?” “Did you ever go to a Mexican store-” “- and they got American cereals in Spanish?” “Antonio the Tiger.” “Fruit a Lupes.” “Honey Nut Bandejos.” “And my favorite: ‘Special…que?’.” Some of those guys, they wear the big belt buckles. Have you seen them? The big Latino cowboys. They walk around and the sun hits that and makes it get all hot. It’s like a skillet and it burns their huevos. “Hey! Caramba, the huevos…” “Huevos fritos!” They’re tough, though. They’ll kick your ass. “You got a problem?” “Hey, partner. You got a problem?” “Let’s go, man to man. One on one, me and you.” “Richard! – Let’s do it man, right now.” “Man to man. – Richard!” “Where’s Richard? He took off?” “Okay, tomorrow.” I just can’t get into the cowboy country thing anymore. Whatever it was… “Come on, let’s…” “Hey come on, let’s do it. Let’s do our little dance.” “Look kind of like little vittles.” This is too…don’t you like to get loose when you dance? “I’m free.” “No rules!” Country dancing: “Come on, let’s do…” “What, how do you do this?” You get criticized the whole time. “Step with me!” “I’m trying!” You ever see a tough cowboy walk in the bar like he’ll kick your ass? And then he does the cheesy country dance? “Hey! You want some crap?” “Right here right now! Let’s go! Hey, there’s my song!” Cowboys… Brokeback Mountain, did you see that? They got it at the hotel, I saw a little bit of it. That’s all I saw…a little! I know this cow… Brokeback Mountain. “Two cowboys that were straight went to Brokeback Mountain.” “That soon turned into… Cornhole Canyon.” “Come on.” “…I love you, come on.” “I’m a naked cowboy…” “And I have my boots on, but I’m naked.” “I’m going to get some water from the creek.” “You want to see my bum bum bum buck?” “I’m going to do…water…” They took it out of the theaters because they said- – that the sex scenes were too…explicit. They’re in the tent. “Come on, let’s git…” Put spit in his hand. “You want some, let’s go, me and you, partner.” “Come on, we don’t got all day.” “That’s not butter!” Come on. No condom, no nothing? I mean, jeez. I don’t know if they had a condom, but they had… Can you imagine? Those guys chew tobacco, cowboys. Gets in your culo…hey! “Come on there.” “Spit that out first!” Skoal bandits. “Hey, man. Ride horses?” “No.” Brokeback Mountain. Now they’re coming out with more movies about homosexuality. This next movie, it’s not Brokeback Mountain, it’s about gay gangs. Gay gangs. That’s what they got. Gay gangs in San Francisco. There’s nothing wrong with that. Come on. Here we go. “Out of the closet. Into the streets.” “Not only were they fighting for their love.” “But they were fighting against each other. Gary Busey:” “Hey, man, you better watch it.” “You guys are trying to lick your quack quack in your nutsack.” “And Danny Glover plays a corrupt police chief.” “Yeah, put it in your mouth.” “There you go. Put it in your mouth.” “Put your black sack in my mouth, Jack.” “They were homies. They were homie-sexuals.” You guys are great for coming out. Here it is. After the show, don’t give me drugs. People are like: “You want some pot, man? You look like you’re really high-strung, man.” “Let’s smoke some pot, dude.” “Let’s get in a circle and talk about other pot that we’ve smoked.” “My friend got…” “He gave me a call, see all the buds, man…” They got some weird drugs out there. I went to rehab. Anybody been there? I had to go one time. My parents caught me doing drugs. Ain’t that nice? You’re in high school and gotta go to rehab… I was doing coke and pot and…party! Party! I can’t believe I graduated, I was partying so much. Know how they caught me? This is the funniest thing. My parents left town. They went to South America. “Yeah, let’s party!” And it was my birthday. “Man, they left town on my birthday.” I come back, and it’s a surprise party when I’m high. “Surprise!” That surprise party turned into an intervention. “Go to your room. Why are your eyes all glassy?” “Can we open presents first?” If you ever go to rehab, it’s the weirdest place to go. But I got kicked out, though. After two weeks. I did. I went there because I was having a good time. “I like drugs because I’m partying.” But a lot of people there go: “I do drugs because my Daddy touched me in my bumbum.” “That’s why I drink. My Daddy touched me in my culo.” They must love that. “Because you love to party!” “My Daddy touched me. Get cocaine, hookers and discoteques.” I got kicked out of rehab. I had this one roommate, a kid: “You’re going to go down, bro.” “Huh? What’s going on?” “You’re going to go down, man.” “Why?” “You’re just making a joke out of everything.” And they take you to this AA meeting. I go to the meeting, right. The AA meetings. And you have to tell them everything. “My name is David, and I’m a drug addict.” “My name is Pablo. I sleep with David.” “Whoa, screw you, man! Screw you!” Out you go. Out you go, Pablo. Out you go. My roommate still does drugs. My god, he does cocaine. He gets all paranoid and shit. “Someone’s out the window.” They get high and look out the window. “Someone’s out there.” “What’s up, man? The girls are over here. What’s the deal?” “No, man. Someone’s out here. Someone’s out the…” “Dude, come on. What’s up?” “Let go of me! Someone’s out…” He looked out the window so much, he had a sunburn of the blinds. He looked like a Viper car. So one day I just put a mirror behind there. And he was, “Shit! Whoa!” There’s always that one guy who gets all paranoid and hears voices. “You hear that? Be quiet. Someone’s on the roof.” “You hear that shit? Be quiet, man. Remember at 7-Eleven?” “When you heard that voice, remember? Shh!” “Maybe that guy followed you, bro. Be quiet. Shh.” “He’s upstairs.” “Oh, that’s my heart! Damn it, man, don’t do that!” Thank you. I did ecstacy before, did you ever do that? Like it’s cool. “You ever do that? It’s fun!” I did it in Miami. I know, I was in between shows, two years ago. I’m going to this techno club. By myself. You walk in there… “She asked me to dance two hours ago.” “We’re still going with this.” Those songs last so long, you don’t know when to stop. You’re just dancing with 400 people. And everybody’s high on drugs. They’re on E. They call it E…ecstacy. E. “Are you E-ing?” Some beautiful girl. “Are you E-ing? Come here.” “I want to talk to you. Are you E-ing?” “No, I’m Pablo!” “No, I’m serious.” “Yes, I’m Pablo.” “No. Are you on Ecstacy?” “Ecstacy, what does that do?” “It makes you horny.” I’m like, “Shit. I’m on it right now.” “They must have slipped it in my drink when I was 12.” “I’m serious! If you want some, l’II sell you some.” “How much is it?” “It’s 40 dollars.” “If you buy some, we’II go back to your hotel.” “Let’s do it!” I reach in my pocket to get the money and I realize I’m doing a drug deal. On the dance floor. I swear to God. You know what, the police could be out there, undercover police. So I had to make it look like a dance. She gives me these two pills. I swear to God. And stamped on them is the Mitsubishi sign. I guess they stamp the drugs with like, Superman or Mitsubishi. “Mitsubishi makes this?” “No wonder they sell a lot of cars.” If Mitsubishi really did this, wouldn’t that be cool? That’d be great if they really did. “Would you like a mint before you go on to the showroom?” “I love this car. I love this car.” “I’m going to hump the tailpipe.” It’s going to get really exhausting. So I take both of these pills. Right? Some people here have done this. I didn’t know to take just one. “Take one now. And in 10 hours, take another one.” “Wait. I just took both of those.” “What’s that?” “I just took both of those.” She says, “I gotta go”. “No, come back! Sandy! You just can’t walk out of a drive-in movie.” Next thing you know, the bouncer looks at me. “Yo, man. Yo, man, are you okay?” I walk up to him. “I just took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Are you serious? Are you serious, man?” “Yes. I just took two hits.” “I’m over here, man.” “Yes.” “I took two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy.” “Oh, man.” “What’s going to happen?” “You’re either going to go to jail. Or you’re going to die.” “But the good news is, you’re going to feel really good.” “Please, what do I do?” “How long did you take it?” “10 minutes ago.” “Then you’ve got 15 minutes before it kicks in.” “You gotta be in a hotel or something.” My hotel is 8 blocks away. So I figure l’II go. “KITT. I need ya, pal. KITT.” I get into my car. Yeah, and it was a Hertz. I didn’t want it to get towed. So I’m driving, and I see my hotel room. South Beach is packed. I’m going two feet every five minutes. “Get the hell out of the way! Before I have sex with all you guys.” “In a conga line!” I’m driving, and all of a sudden, this warm feeling… Something warm inside. A new world! “Get the hell out of the way” “We’II kill the unicorn tonight.” I’m trying to change the radio station and I’m changing myself. It is like the most craziest… I get into the motel room. “Give me some coke or something. I’m so…” I’m so horny, I’m watching the porno. And I try to hump the TV. I was watching it so much even the people in the porno- – looked at me like I’m weird. “What the hell?” If you’re on two hits of Mitsubishi ecstacy, the feeling is like- – having an orgasm every two seconds for six hours. You’re just walking around… I was having sex and sounded like Mr. Magoo. “Oh, you know you want it. Oh, and you know that feels good.” “Oh yeah, Magoo. You’ve done it again.” It’s like having an orgasm for six hours straight. The only problem is you’re walking around with the face. Then you try to smoke marijuana with it. That’s when you really start thinking up the stupid shit. “Chicken pot pie.” “Those are my three favorite things.” Thank you. You do weird stuff when you’re on that stuff. “Old people should use Viagra so they don’t roll off the bed.” Cocaine. Miami. That’s where Scarface is at. “Scarface in Miami.” I’d like to see something crazy. You get all wasted. You get the double DVD box set of Scarface. You see the most crazy shit. “You’ve probably seen AI Pacino as Tony Montana.” “Now on double DVD see footage never seen before.” “See Tony Montana do a drug deal with Kermit the Frog.” “Okay. The money stays in back, okay?” “If I’m not back in 15 minutes, something’s wrong, okay?” “Okay. Let’s go.” “Hiyo! Hola, hola.” “Entra, entra.” “Is it okay if my friend is outside to know that everything’s okay?” “Sure. Come on in.” “This is Mrs. Piggy.” “Hola, Piggy. Hello.” “And I am Kermie.” “And I’m Tony. So, Grover says that you okay.” “That’s good. So do you have the money?” “I don’t know. Did you bring stuff?” “Not with me now, but it’s nearby. It’s in the car, huh?” “No. You want me to go outside, we try again?” “Where you from, Tony?” “What difference where I’m from?” “You stop messing around, frog. Get to the business, okay?” “I just get my stuff at Sesame Street.” “Oh yeah? Can you tell me how to, how to get to Sesame Street?” Thank you. Next stop, New Orleans. “Gotta go to New Orleans.” New Orleans, that’s a strange town. After Katrina. Katrina! It doesn’t even sound evil. Katrina! I think they would have left if it had a different name. Katrina doesn’t sound scary. “Yo, man. Katrina coming?” “Shit. Suck my dick.” They should have called it Scorpio. Hurricane Scorpio. “Scorpio coming. Yeah, let’s get out of here, man.” New Orleans. I was in a hurricane in Florida. Hurricane Georges! Hurricane Georges! That sounds like a pissed-off, gay hurricane. It just comes into town… “Stupid trailer!” “You, car! Get out of here.” “Whose dog is this? In the damn ocean!” “Stinker.” “I’m blowing everything.” New Orleans, man, they make the grossest food there, too. I mean, cajun food. That is made of…what is that? Latin food rules the earth, we all know that. Yes. Cajun food, they get all drunk, like alcoholics. “Hey, are you hungry?” “Let’s cook some jambalaya rice and hot dog weiners.” “And some beer and a milk carton of whiskey.” “What the hell was that? A snail? Put it in there.” “Drink it all up. Swish it in your stomach. Puke it out. Call it gumbo.” Gumbo does look like puke, I swear. Doesn’t it? “It’s like eating backwards.” Everything’s in Tabasco, too. “That’s right, we marinate in tabascy.” “We deep fry it in tabascy oil. Then we smother it in tabascy.” “And then we hickory smoke everything with our breath.” They eat that food everywhere. In their taxicabs while driving. There’s a guy. Big old belly. “What is that smell?” “It’s delicious.” He’s eating it with a fork. “Yeah!” His belly was so big, every time we went over a speed bump- his belly would hit the horn. I played that Grand Theft Auto game. Are you familiar with this? Grand Theft Auto? I’ve never seen anything so evil and fun at the same time. It’s a guy running through town just killing everybody. And getting jumped by Haitian gangs, doing drug deals- – getting hookers, and he wants his money back. All to 1980s music. So I like to do… Yeah, and he’s running through a fake town called San Andreas. We could do it in a real city, with a little help of my friends. We’re going to try one tonight. Grand Theft Auto in San Francisco! Hit it! Hey. Thanks a lot, everybody! Good night! Pablo! Pablo! Pablo! That’s very nice of you. Thank you so much. Good night.

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SARAH SILVERMAN: WE ARE MIRACLES (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-we-are-miracles-2013-full-transcript/

“Few comics could get away with such an irreverent act, but Silverman pulls it off with her disconnected style that blends vulgarity and vulnerability.” — CHICAGO-SUN TIMES Hey, I like your knee socks. They’re not knee socks. They’re fashion tights. It’s all one… whatever. You wouldn’t get it. Yeah, I do. You mean they’re opaque black up to the thigh, sheer black up top. Yeah, that’s… that’s exactly right. Yeah, I like it. I think it’s hot. Yeah, I like it too. I’ve just been really into, like, wearing my thighs out lately. I feel like it’s sexualish and superpowery. Mmm, you like that superpower sex, huh? Yeah! Yes, I see why you think that’s funny. Like in your world, that’s probably really clever wordplay. Could you guys buzz off? I’m trying to focus. Focus on what? The wall? “Focus on what? The wall?” That’s what you sound like. No, I’m shooting a special here for HBO. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s kind of a big deal. At Largo? That’s, like, barely 300 seats. Well, I’m actually doing it in the… the littler room. The little room? That’s like 50 seats. 39 with the fire marshal code. Whatever! Hey, you need to call your agent. Can’t be doing no HBO special for 39 people! That’s like super tiny. It’s called intimate, fuckface! What’s that, pot? Mmm mmm. It’s a bunch of stuff. Hey, tell us a joke. What do you call a car full of Mexicans? What? Pains in my ass… …hole. Please put your hands together for Miss Sarah Silverman. Tell me I’m great. What? Tell me I’m great! Tell me I’m great! You’re crazy-8. Crazy great. Oh. I very rarely, occasionally, obsessively watch porn on my phone. And when I do, I integrate it into my nighttime rituals. I wash my face. I floss. I take a puff. Then I brush. Then I do my stretches. Then I type in my search words. Let me just say, my search words are not anything I would want to happen in real life. I don’t know why they’re my search words, but they are. A great man once said, “The heart wants what it wants.” So my search words are: gangbang… would not want that to happen in real life; um, amateur… ’cause I don’t like seeing, like, piercings and tattoos… it takes me out of it; cum… which I would not have thought you had to put “cum.” I thought that was a given in pornography. You have to put “cum.” If you don’t, you might not get cum. If anything, I would think you’d put non-cum if you don’t want cum. And then there’s one more. Oh, high-fives. So… I put my iPhone… I lean it against my water on my nightstand. And… I think I’m maybe the only person that watched this video all the way till the end end end, like when the video freezes. It’s, of course, a gangbang and, you know, basically ends with all the guys coming on the lady’s face. And… I don’t know why face was the quiet word there. All the men come on the lady’s face. And then right before the video freezes, I heard a guy say to her, “Hey, great job. I know you were sick.” You find humanity… in the oddest of places. So my mom was in the hospital and I visited her. I don’t need segues. The brain doesn’t work that way. A train of thought bounces around from thing to thing. But anyway, speaking of a whole bunch of men coming on a lady’s face, my mother’s been sick. And I visited her in the hospital and she said, “It’s weird, you know?” There was this Jewish volunteer service that came by and they were visiting the Jewish patients, which is nice, but isn’t that so, like, elitist? Like what, do they, like, banana around the non-Jewish patients? Like, “None for you.” But my mother’s last name is O’Hara. She married a John O’Hara. And she said, “They visited me. Like, how they did know I was Jewish?” And we looked into it and it turns out they count how many times you press the call button. I had a, um… you ever have a memory and you… that you haven’t had since the event happened? You know what I mean? It’s so crazy. I had this memory of being like three and I would shower with my mother. And, like, my mom’s… okay, my mom got her water from the showerhead, like that’s where she would get her water with which to cleanse herself. That water would then cascade down her ample bosom and, like, pike off of her ’70s Jew bush… that was my water. And that’s the thing, it was a happy memory. I associate it with happy. I don’t know why. Like, it was my very own curly shower or something. Maybe because we didn’t need words. You know, it wasn’t like she was like, “You get your water from my pubes,” you know. We didn’t need any of that. It was like I was… I was like a native that knew you could get water from this leaf or something. It was very… animalistic. I was a bedwetter well into my teens. And when you’re a bedwetter, there’s only one group of people you can feel better than: bedshitters. And unfortunately they’re hard to come by. You know? I love this… The HBO 39. But I grew up in New Hampshire, and there are not many Jews in New Hampshire. And we… we weren’t really raised with any religion. We were just Jewish in that it oozed out of our pores, you know. Um, but I didn’t feel so different until maybe like around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus. I remember even then thinking, “It’s not like we killed baby Jesus.” I mean, the man, like… He had quite a run. He was 33. 33 is young. If someone dies now at 33, it’s terrible. But I mean, back then, in the olden oldie-timey times… 33 was like elderly. 33… dying at 33 was like he had a full life, you know. And by the way, you’re welcome. If we had not killed him, he wouldn’t even be famous. You know, and nothing seems crazy when you’re used to it. There’s so much crazy shit everywhere. We’re used to it. And everything seems crazy when you’re not used to it. That’s why so many comics make fun of Scientology, right? Because like… well, because it’s a batshit crazy religion, but it’s no more batshit crazy than, like, every single religion. It’s just new, you know. Christianity is super old, but it’s fucking crazy. I mean, it’s… you’re born a sinner. By being born, you are a sinner and you’re going to hell. But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven. No big deal. If you’re a murderer… same thing, it’s just apologize and go to heaven. You can be Hitler and go to confession and say, “Forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews.” And the priest would just be like, “No problem. Say 10 ‘Heil’ Marys.” And Hitler goes to heaven. Hitler goes to heaven… is the name of my band. Scientology is weird because it’s new. It’s… it feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life. He had to change his name to “L. Ron” because there was another Ron Hubbard in the Writer’s Guild. That’s how recent a religion it is. And people who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews, “I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer. You’re being fucking ridiculous!” But we live in the greatest country in the world. A country where we have freedom of religion and separation of church and state, only we don’t at all and nobody says anything ’cause we’re used to it. It says, “In God we trust” on our money. It says, “In God we trust” above the judge’s bench in a courtroom, in a court of law where you have to put your hand on a Bible… the Christian Bible. It’s not my Bible. I mean, if… if I tell the truth, it’s because I tell the truth, not because I put my hand on a book and made a wish. It’s fucking crazy. That’s craziness. And stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. I think… I think it’s a mistake. Not because they can’t, but because it would’ve never occurred to them they couldn’t. You’re planting that seed in their heads. It’s like saying, “Hey, when you get in the shower, I’m not gonna read your diary.” “Hold on. Are you gonna read my diary?” “What? Are you crazy? I just said I’m not gonna read your diary. Get in the shower.” Girls grow up so fast. It’s like they don’t have childhoods anymore. They’re sexualized so early, you know. I… a girlfriend of mine has a little baby girl and I babysat her. I changed her diaper… totally shaved. Six months old. What a country. That’s my new catchphrase. I know that Yakov Smirnoff said it in the ’80s, but I’m repurposing it with a malaise. I just wanna shake girls. All the girls here, I wanna just tell you you don’t need a vaginal deodorant, okay? I know it seems like a real thing because there’s real commercials and for some reason we trust that… that commercials mean it’s real, you know? And there’s real products on shelves. No, it’s a made-up need made by greedy, money-addicted, faceless corporations preying on a woman’s greatest insecurity… smelly vagina. If you use regular soap and water in the show… use whatever you wash your asshole with. How about that? Surely that’s strong enough for your disgusting vagina. Rinse, and if when you get out of the shower, there’s still like something, like a rancidishness coming, um, go to the doctor. Don’t spray perfume on it. That’s fucking crazy. That’s what a crazy person would do. Do you see now? Are your eyes open? Are you living a conscious life? I’m lucky I don’t have to worry about that because… I’ve been with a few men who have told me that my vagina smells like a, um, a peach… a peach tree. A… a peach tree dish. Is that a thing? That joke took real acting. Real-life acting. You had the craziest reaction. He just… his arms were folded and he just went like… Like, “Oh, Sarah! You’re incorrigible.” Oh, I’m corrigible. It’s not all “The Man.” It isn’t. It’s not all corporate America. It’s us too. We have to take responsibility too. We shit on ourselves. We-we scrutinize ourselves. We-we-we… we think that self-deprecation is modesty. It’s not. It’s self-obsession, and there’s no room for anything else. You think… you think Mother Theresa walked around complaining that the tops of her thighs touched? I mean, they didn’t. She was stick thin, the fucking bitch. But she wasn’t like, “Okay, this is fine, okay? But it’s like then I clench and it’s all oatmeal.” No, she was busy. She had things to do. You know one thing I’ve noticed, people who say the phrase, “Threw me under the bus,” um, say it lot. You know? And I don’t think it’s because they get thrown under the bus a lot. I think it’s because they… they deflect blame a lot. I think it’s because they look inward not a lot. And I… you know, Jesus had a great quote… and I know all his quotes are great. There’s no Jesus B-sides. But… and I’m paraphrasing… but it’s basically like, “If you don’t deal with your shit, your shit deals with you.” You know, but it had like “doth” in it. And… it’s so true. And I made a short list that I think can help people who don’t look inward ever. Um, one: if you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you. If you have terrible luck with roommates, you’re the terrible roommate. It’s you, doll. If you feel like the whole world is judging you all the time, you’re an alcoholic. I don’t know why, but specifically alcohol. Dear sirs, your middle-aged pierced ear tells a different story than you think it does. To women of a certain age: your heartbreaking and drastic attempts to look younger are the reason your daughter doesn’t dream about her future. Insecurity burbles up in all corners of us, you know. Either you have a chip on your shoulder, you feel like people are disrespecting you all the time, or you get really braggy. You want people to know who you know, but you, like, hide it by shitting on them. Like, “How many fucking videos of a monkey smelling his assy fingers and falling out of a tree can Helen Mirren send me? It’s like ridic.” Look at my space work there. It’s impressive, isn’t it? What does that tell you? BlackBerry. Guess what? Guess what? I don’t even own a BlackBerry. I shadowed someone who does for months… to do that bit. There are people that… it’s their survival. It’s the way they deal with life, to see themselves differently than the way the rest of the world sees them, you know. You get the idea if these people were one or two degrees more onto themselves, they’d fucking kill themselves. I consider myself one of them. I get out of the shower and I’m like, “Nice try, mirror. Those are obviously my mom’s boobs.” Sometimes insecurity proves you right. I mean, I… when I moved to L.A., I had an eyebrow. And my roommate at the time was like, “Hey, let’s go make this into two. Like, each eye can have one.” And so I went to her waxing lady. I had never been to like a waxing lady and the lady called me in and I’m like following her into a room and she turns around and she goes, “What are we doing today? Just the mustache?” I don’t have a mustache. What? I bleach my mustache. That means it’s invisible. Bright yellow means you can’t see it. But she did, she waxed it, and I remember walking out of the door and being like… I could feel the wind on it, you know? What about this one? “Yeah, whatever.” That, like, jerk-off thing. I believe that’s from insecurity. “Yeah, whatever. Pfftt.” What is a guy saying when he does that? He’s saying, “Whatever it is we’re talking about here, I don’t give a shit.” Really? I think you do give a shit. If he didn’t give a shit, wouldn’t he be just be like… I think you do give a shit, sir. What is he saying? He’s saying, “Whatever it is we’re talking about here, please don’t think I care. Oh my God, I would die if you thought I cared. In exchange, feel free to know my personal jerking-off style. It is so important to me that you think I don’t care about whatever it is we’re talking about here, I’m willing to exchange that for you knowing that my masturbation style is that, like, I don’t… I don’t move my hand. My hand is still and I, like, fuck my hand. My hand is locked. And then, like, I fuck… I pretend it’s a vagina. I’m not a faggot. And I fuck my hand. I make it like she’s shorter than me. Like it’s lower and I have to like scoop it in. Oh, fuck you. Sometimes I say it. I go, ‘Scoop. Scoop. Scoop.’ But please don’t think I care. Oh my God. I would die.” Traumatic things happened to that guy. Traumatic things happened to all of you, by the way. Traumatic things happened to all of us. We just don’t realize it because there’s no music informing us how to feel or what’s gonna come up. There’s no slow motion. It just happens in real time and then the next moment and the next moment. My sister used to babysit me when I was three. And she would… she would… okay, I used to think this was a heartbreaking story about me. It’s a heartbreaking story about my sister Susie, because she was so, um… she was so starved for love, she was so needy for love. And she would come out and she’d say, “Sarah, if I drink this orange juice, I’m gonna turn into a monster.” And I was so scared. I wish I had the foresight to say, “Hey, how about don’t even pour the orange juice?” But I didn’t. I didn’t think that far ahead. I was three. And I’d go… “Susie, no no!” She’d go… whip open the laundry nook and put on this brown leather ski mask… which why the Silverman family needed a brown leather ski mask I still do not know. She puts it on and she like… I mean I thought I was going to die. I felt the feeling of I’m going to die when I was three. And then this is what’s so heartbreaking, she’d go… “I will only turn back into Susie if you hug me.” Like, I wish I had the wherewithal to be like, “Suse, you want a hug? I’d love to hug you. Let’s cut out the middleman where I shit my pants.” But instead I’m inching towards this monster I’m terrified of to hug it. Oh God, I’m sorry. That’s every relationship I’ve ever been in. There you go. Breakthrough on stage, HBO Special. She would take the… that threw me for a loop. She’d take the biggest knife out of the kitchen drawer and be like, “It’s so funny. Like, I could kill you right now. Isn’t that funny?” She gets so upset when I bring this up. No, she’s so sweet now. And she… it literally makes her cry when I bring this up, but thank God, umm… she doesn’t have HBO. But she’s like this liberal, hippy, feminist rabbi that lives in Israel now and she’s got five kids and her oldest daughter is going to Brandeis next year, which is… only from Israel can going to Brandeis be a step down in Jewy-ness. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Brandeis. It’s not technically a Jewish school, but I think the team mascot is a nose. If that helps you at all. Okay, this would be terrible if I had just made it up. I didn’t. This is really upsetting. But the University of North Carolina did a study and what they found was that 9/11 widows give great handjobs. And I… Don’t shoot the messenger. I wish it wasn’t true, but… or I am happy for them and their new… boyfriends. I made that up. I’m sorry. I made that up. I thought of it and it made me giggle, and then I got really sad, and then I still needed to say it to you. I don’t know what part of me needs to say to you that 9/11 widows give great handjobs. That’s dark. That’s something I’m gonna talk about in therapy. But I wanted to say it. I needed to say it to you, and so I built a frame around it that forced you to not be able to blame me for saying it. And… but you know what? I feel like you should take some of the blame. Honestly, because you decided to believe that the University of North Carolina would spend money on a study of, what? Trauma-based handjobs? That’s crazy. You’re crazy. You’re being crazy right now. Hmm, I need more rape jokes. I do. I… rape jokes are a hidden gem in comedy. Let me explain. Rape, obviously the most heinous crime imaginable. Rape jokes are great. No, because they make a comic seem so edgy and so dangerous. And the truth is it’s like the safest area to talk about in comedy, because who is gonna complain about a rape joke? I mean, I would say rape victims, but they’re traditionally not complainers. I know. That’s a tasteless joke about the fact that rape victims often don’t report rape. I mean, the worst thing that could happen really is someone comes up to you after a show and is like, “Look, I’m a victim of rape and I just wanna say I thought that joke was insensitive and inappropriate and totally my fault and I am so sorry.” Yeah! Right? Let’s take back the night back. Oh God. I hope I don’t have to say that, you know, no woman is asking to be raped. I actually do think there are some women who are asking to be motorboated. I have a dog who is 19 years old and that’s true. And he… you know, sometimes the audience claps because they’re really happy for me that I took care of a 19-year-old… No, forget it now! Don’t. Stop. He has got these beautiful big blue eyes floating over his big brown eyes and he, um… His breath, um… I’ve really really thought about this. His breath smells like if all the farts from all the different, like, cultures and nations in the world combine together… and then passed through my grandpa’s teeth. And he was constipated and it’s so heartbreaking. You know, when a dog gets constipated and they… you can tell because their little knees like quiver. They quiver. And he’s pushing so hard and then, like, something broke through and his mouth made a shape I’ve never seen on a dog. I didn’t know it was possible. It was like a perfect circle. Like, “Ohh!” And his little tiny rectum was bleeding… Awww. …and I went to take a picture and I… for the vet. “The vet”… is what I call Twitter. And… You know, when you take a picture, but it’s video and you don’t realize it? It was basically a picture, but it was like a second and a half and it had breath, ended with me going like, “Urg.” He’s great now. He shits like crazy. Only thing that keeps him from shitting in his pants is he… he… he doesn’t wear pants. That’s a terrible joke. If you do have a dog, here’s a great game. You’re gonna love this. When you’re having sex, lock eyes with your dog. And then you see who looks away first. It’s a fun game. Pussy. “Pussy” is a word… it used to have so much power over me. When I was in high school, the word “pussy,” it was so… it grossed me out and yet it was titillating and I just had… I felt like I had Christmas lights inside me. It just affected me so much. I don’t even understand how, but when I was young it was like if somebody said it or if I read it somewhere or sometimes I would write it down and look at it… Now I’m just dead inside. Pussy, pussy. Who cares? I found a way to make “pussy” gross again. It’s so simple. All you have to do is puff out your cheeks when you say it. Like, “Puhssy.” Puhssy. Puhssy. Now say that becomes old hat, you can add some elements: um, a deadness in the eyes, a lisp. “Puthy.” “Hey, man, you wanna go out and look for some puthy?” Puthy. Puthy. You look so confused. You don’t know how to feel. Just like me when I first heard “puthy.” If you’re drunk and throw up on a man’s penis mid-blowjob, you can save the moment if you can muster a “ta-da.” I love you guys. This is embarrassing. This is a… this is a confession, okay? Uh. Sometimes I get an orgasm from giving a blowjob. Is that normal? Is that, like… to get an orgasm from giving a… oh, not giving a blowjob, taking a shit. Ohh. I… you don’t understand. I’m at a show too. You’re my show and that joke… is so fun to tell because, like, at the first juncture, the guys are like this, and the girls are like this. And then it just goes whoo! It’s like the wave. Don’t forget God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there. I’m just kidding. There’s no God. I believe in miracles though. I really do. I mean, they’re obviously science-based. But… they’re beyond my comprehension, so to me they’re miracles. That’s what miracles are. And we are miracles. Think about this: every single person in this room tonight, all 39… including me, 40 of us, there was a time in history… a blip ago in the scope of history… where we were all microscopic specks. That was far out, right? Everybody got deep. There was a time where you could fit a million of me on the head of a pin. There was a time where I lived in my dad’s balls. That’s the only life I knew. There was a time where I literally was choking on my dad’s cum. I was five. No, I’m just kidding. That’s disgusting. Erase. That’s not part of that joke. I… It’s just it went in my head and then I… I couldn’t be alone with it. There was a time… my dad, Donny “Schleppy” Silverman, who does my taxes, who I Skype with every Saturday… there was a time where I literally exploded… out of the-guy-who- taught-me-to-ski’s penis hole. I can’t believe I was ever that thin. I’m an Obama person. Yeah? I like him. I’ve liked Obama since before he ran for president the first time, when he was a senator in Chicago. Not like I’m so smart or hoity-toity. I just… he was on Letterman and I thought he was cool. And I remember when he decided to run for president, I was like, “I’m gonna work on that campaign.” And I did. And because I live in Los Angeles, I could go to this fundraiser out here that was just star-studded, like a who’s-who. And you could walk… you know, he was just a senator at the time, so you could walk right up to him and pet him and I did. I wanted to think of something smart to say or a question to ask and I was like… “Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you ever encounter any racism?” And I’ll never forget what he said. He said… he said, “I’m Kanye West.” And I was like, “Totally. I’m Kanye West too. We all are. I get it. I get it.” We’re so divided. We live in a very divided country. Like, it’s crazy, you know? It’s not even about ideas anymore. It’s not even about ideals anymore. It’s just teams. It’s just the Red Sox and the Yankees. It’s just hatred, you know? And I think whether you’re liberal or you’re conservative, it’s so important to remember that we, all of us, love our families, love our country, believe what we’re doing is right. You know, maybe liberals are a little more open-minded, a little more progressive. You know, maybe conservatives are a little less progressive, a little more faggotish. But I pray for them. I do. I was just literally praying for the billions of teeny, tiny Republicans that die every single year in hookers’ assholes. I know what some of you are thinking, and you’re right, you’re right. “Really? That’s what you’re gonna pick on, the Republican Party? That’s what you’re pick… choosing to pick on? You know, I mean, surely there are Democrats that have butt sex with prostitutes.” You’re right. You’re 100% right. There are. But Democrats aren’t trying to take my rights away. So when a Democrat gives a hooker anal warts, she can then go to a clinic and get that shit zapped. It’s just bewildering to me that a party that is so about having big government out of their backyard is so intent on legislating my “puthy,” my pussy. My pu… my pussy. People don’t make the simplest connections, you know? Hmm, I feel like I have shit here. I don’t? That’d be my biggest fear. Okay. Do I have anything in my teeth? I ate blueberries. Yeah, people don’t make the simplest connections. I think because we’re so close to our own lives, you know, but even in deep ways, but even in not deep… like I used to work at a club… like a music club kinda like this. It had tables and I was… you know, I lit the candles at the tables and put the fliers out and stuff. And the band that was playing had sound check. And they did their sound check and left. But the drummer stayed and she was just sitting at her drums, watching me set up. And I was talking to her and I made some stupid joke and she goes, “Ba-dum-bump.” I was like, “You know that comes from drums, right? You’re sitting at drums.” It’s like people who go, “Don’t get your dog from a breeder! Get your dog from a shelter. You’re a fucking asshole if you get your dog from a breeder.” Okay, I agree. I got my dog from a shelter. But it’s always coming from a woman who’s like nursing a baby with four other kids and I just wanna say like, “Get your people from a shelter. You know there are human puppies in shelters, right?” But people don’t like people as much as they like dogs ’cause they don’t… they don’t see what they hate in themselves looking back in a dog’s eyes, you know? If Africa was just all Labradoodles dying of AIDS… we would take care of it in one day. But I wanna have kids. I’m great with kids. I am. I have a lot of bits. Like little girls between, like, two and six-ish, I like to go like this, I go… “I’m gonna tell you a secret. You cannot tell anybody. I’m a princess. But I dress regular so people treat me normal.” And their brains fucking explode. It’s so funny. And then the rest of the day, they’re spying me like I’m a celebrity, which I know I am, but a lot of toddlers don’t know that. And it does, it levels the playing field. Or boys or girls like toddler age, like two-year-olds, if their parents, like, introduce me, I like to go, “I’m your new mommy.” They’re so into their mommies at that age. – They’re always like… – “No, you’re not.” And then I go, “I’m just kidding.” And then just as they start to relax, I go, “I’m your real mommy.” That’s more just fun for me. But I do, I want a baby. The thing with me is, like, the caveat is I don’t want like a 10-year-old in 10 years. You know what I mean? I want a baby. I figured out a solution I think works for me. I’m not preaching it to anybody, but, um, like, I think I’m gonna adopt, like, terminally-ill babies… every six months to two years-ish or… I feel like there is a blanket of judgment in this area. Why? Are you thinking, “What kind of person would look to adopt a dying baby?” I mean, I think an amazing person. I’m amazing. I have a hu… my heart is too big. Like, I can’t take it. My heart can’t take… I don’t like being made to feel. Like Pixar movies? No fucking way. “Wall-E”? Like the idea to me of a lonely robot in space breaks me. Good, bad… I don’t wanna feel. I don’t like it. Like, my mother sent me an email that said, “Elephants reunite after 20 years!” Delete. I am not even gonna read that. That will kill me. I’m afraid it will kill me. Those commercials with a starving kid in Africa with flies buzzing around him? I have to remind myself, like, “It’s just an actor. It’s just an actor.” I love being able to see all 39 of you. Like, it’s so cool. But you know who’s amazing is the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Just to… you know, they… if you’re not familiar with what they do, they work with terminally-ill children and young adults. And what they will do is they will grant these kids any wish they dream up, except for not dying. Which I feel like I’m being nitpicky, ’cause what they do is amazing, but like, I feel like that’s gonna be maybe even like 60% of their #1 wishes. I just feel like if there was a suggestion box or something, I’d say, “Maybe call it Make-another-Wish.” You guys did a great job. I’m gonna reward you with an incredible song. Oh oh. Is this in tune? Are you a musician? Oh, you should get a haircut. All right. Let’s make this real hot and sexy. Nothing but the best for the Largo 39. ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ You better be a singer ♪ ♪ And not somebody ♪ ♪ Cutting me in line ♪ ♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ You better sing a solo ♪ ♪ And not be someone treating me unkind ♪ ♪ If you call yourself a diva ♪ ♪ It better be for reals ♪ ♪ And not some sad, pathetic ♪ ♪ Kind of front ♪ ♪ If you’re selfish and you’re thoughtless ♪ ♪ And you’re broken ♪ ♪ And you’re heartless ♪ ♪ You’re probably not a diva ♪ ♪ You’re a cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt cunt cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cunt ♪ ♪ Cu-uuunt ♪ ♪ Cunt. ♪ Thank you so much. Good night! Hey, how did it go? Oh, it was, uh… you know, it’s hard to say ’cause it’s me and it’s… comedy is so subjective, you know. But I guess if I had to say in one word, I’d describe it as, like, “game changer.” Oh, that’s two words, what am I saying? Um… “mind blowing.” That’s two words again, God! Okay, I’m gonna have to describe it in two words. Uh, “great job, Sarah.” Hey!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic (2005) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-jesus-is-magic-2005-full-transcript/

I said ‘Shut up, you stupid twat’ And… – Oh my God. – I know. Because… And then I’m like: ‘Oh fuck, what did I just do?’ But then the audience loved it. They went nuts. And she looked like an idiot, like they’re all like, she is a stupid twat that should shut up. – That’s awesome. – So it was like felt really good. So that’s on the record. It’s all like… So many more copies. Called someone a stupid twat on it. Who knows. I just glut out the record finally. It’s so good, so good. Perhaps I’m a bit producing it. It’s crazy. Wow! And then this book. The stupid idea I had about how guys are jerks. I went on Oprah with it. Oh my God, why didn’t you tell me? I would have loved to see that. I didn’t know how would it go, I wanted it away. You know. – Can I come on to? – Yeah, for sure. Oh my God, that’s so cool. What’s going on with you? What about that pilot? – I got it. – Awesome. I know. I’m waiting to hear for it’s gonna get picked up. And that looks really good. They really like it. Awesome! It’s so great! And Dacky was in it. Cause I brought him to the table reading they needed a dog for one scene and then like “He’s perfect” He is perfect. And then I sold that script to this Comedy Central. – A sports thing. – Sport show of all things. I know. I don’t even know anything about sports. Who loves. It’s concept, I guess. What about a… What about you? What’s been going on? I haven’t seen you in a while. So much. – Wow, really? – Yeah. I’m doing a lot. So… You’ve been getting out a lot. I actually wrote a show. Wow, cool. Are you shopping it around or…? No it’s doing it. I mean it’s… – I mean it’s gonna be on. It’s a show. – On TV? No, but it’s actually like a play slash movie. – It’s cool. Like in a theatre. – Wow. Yeah. It sounds amazing. What is it? What’s it about? Are you like the star of it? What is it? It’s about a … the Holocaust. Yeah. And it’s kind of a… But it’s funny. And it’s also musical. – Oh my God, that sounds awesome. – I know. When are you doing it? It’s a real opus, you know. You know what, tonight. And it’s actually tonight so I’d better skid detail. – Right now? – Yeah. I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do pre-pro. Can we come see it? I wanna see it. Shit. It sold out. It’s totally sold out, every scene. I know, it sucks. What if we just hang backstage and like watch from the wings or something? Yeah. Can we just be backstage? We can stand by the curtains and be quiet. I can’t think why not. – So will you let us know…? – Yeah, sure, definitely. I’m excited. I’m totally excited. So see you guys tonight. – Good luck. – See you at the show. Fuck! “Here I go again with my big mouth.” “Spelling off like I got some going.” “I wrote a show and it’s playing tonight?” “I’m so foolish shit man. What was I thinking?” “I gotta write a show but how am I gonna do a show. And I don’t even have a show to write.” “I never wrote a show, but if I ever wrote a show, I bet that all of them would know and thinking bites.” “You know what. Fuck down.” “I could write a show.” “I could write a show. I’ll just do it.” “I’ll write a show.” “All it takes is elbow grease” “And I could write a show.” “I’ll write a show tonight.” “I hope I do it right.” “I could take this mixed up world and put it in a show.” “I’ll write a show alright.” “And I’ll have it by tonight.” “All I need is a theatre space and a bag of weed and a star.” “A star!” “Great!” “Good job, Sarah. I’m writing a whole show for tonight. I don’t even have a star. Who’s gonna be my star?” “She’s gotta be pretty and she’s gotta be smart.” “She’s gotta be funny and she’s gotta be hot.” “She’s gotta have a perfect smile just like me.” “I just need a star but who could it be?” “Julia Roberts?” “Nah.” “Nicole Kidman?” “Are you kidding, man?” “Sandra Bullock?” “Sandra Bullock.” “She’s gotta be the kind of girl that blows your mind,” “She ought to be better than those three twats combined.” “She’s gotta have a thing that you just can’t define.” Me. It’s me. You are beautiful. No. Not like this. Alright. I’ll do it. “I got what it takes. Got what it needs. Got what a show needs.” “I, I’ll show them more, little of me. I’m what the world needs.” “Hear the train coming it’s coming for me.” “I’m going to Star Town.” “Hear the train coming it’s coming for me.” “I’m gonna be a star now.” I’m a comedian, that’s what I do. How do we become whatever it is that we become? How is he a lawyer, how is she a hooker? How are we whatever it is we become? I think what it is, it’s like as we grow up from child. You know. In our childhood we have all these disfunctions and they kind of… they melt together and they form a formula. An individual formula, it drives us to be whatever it is. We’re driven to be, you know. For comedians it’s definitely like any kind of humiliation, you know. I know for me. I was a bad wetter willing to my teens. And continue to have a bevy of, you know, unwanted hairs. And I… I was raped by a doctor, which is a so bitter-sweet for a Jewish girl. Thank you. I knew something good would come out of that. Out of rape. I am… I wear this saint Christopher medal sometimes because I’m Jewish but my boyfriend is Catholic and it was just…. It was cute the way he gave it to me, you know. He said if it doesn’t burn through my skin it will protect me. Who cares. Different religions, you know. I mean… I guess if you in time with an issue, I suppose would be like if you’re having a baby… You got to figure out like how you wanna raise your baby. …or whatever, you know. Which wouldn’t even still not be an issue for us because we’d be honest, you know… … and just say, you know like Mammy is one of the chosen people and … … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic. That’s not nice. You know Jesus is magic you know because he turn water to wine and he… I think he made the Stature of Liberty disappear. … or something. You know that Jews got all, you know they don’t want. But then Jesus movie came out, you know, and but now the Jews didn’t want people to see it. Because they felt… Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I’m one of the few people that believes it was the blacks. I don’t care. Good. I hope the Jews did kill Christ. I’d do it again, I’d fucking do it again on the second. By here is breaking stocks clacking. This way. My boyfriend and I were on like second or third stage, you know, we’re like… …we’re finally comfortable. You know around. Like I’m finally comfortable enough to pee in front of my boyfriend, which is so great, you know. Cause now I’m gonna try it in the bathroom. And… …we take showers together and you know it’s really… I guarantee if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you step out of that shower your breasts will be sparkling clean. Sparkle in. I was licking jelly out of my boyfriend’s penis and all of a sudden… …all of a sudden I’m thinking “Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.” You know it’s like… Those clues. You know. Of becoming our parents. It’s scary. So scary. Try to get that lilts like that. It’s a fun. What if fun cut. So scary. Can I steal you for a minute? Like that kind of voice. I’m so into that. I don’t know why it’s fun. Can I steal you for a minute? I’m on a birth control pill. Cause I do a lot of fucking. But I want like I wanna try something else, because it’s really hormonian and… I’m always looking… I’m always asking my friends what they use for birth control. …take a little poll, like I ask my friend Charlie what he and his wife use for birth controlling. He said he just cums all over her face. I’m gonna try that. He has kids already. My boyfriend, he has kids. I mean they’re like… He’s got a boy and a girl, they’re nine and eleven. And they’re great. You know what, he actually made them those ages to commemorate 9/11, which I hate. You know it has a lot more than a pin. I always think like I should get on it if I wanna have kids. I just… You know, once you had thirty you know you’ve got to decide fast Cause it can be difficult to conceive, it can be dangerous. And the best time to have a baby is when you’re black teenager. I’m not like a hoydie-toydie kind of girl. I don’t wanna jewels. I’m not like… I don’t really… I’m not into jewelry or anything. I’m such a hypocrite. There’s a jewel that I think is … I guess I’m in such a jap. There is one jewel that I think is stunning. That I… It’s just like a classic. By jap I mean Japanese. But it’s a… It’s just gorgeous. You know. And it’s really… Its rare. You know it’s only found like on the tip of the tailbone of Ethiopian babies. They debone the babies. I know that sounds so bad when you say it out aloud. But no, if you saw it… So worth it. You know it’s like… How do I even describe it like a… …like if a diamond had that newborn baby smell. I have a moral issue with it obviously cause they’re treating the unions that debone the babies really bad. Pick your battles I guess. It’s so cute. I can’t wait till Sunday I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece. I shouldn’t have favorites, I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t help that she is crazy about me and I just love that in people. And I can make her laugh so easily. I’ve always been able to make her laugh. Like literally since she was a baby. I could make her laugh, which is so great. And you know what babies love. Ethnic jokes. She came out of the closet recently, my niece. Announced to the family that she is a lesbian. She is seven. Did I mention that? And I don’t even know she knows what a lesbian is. But I support her completely. I’ll tell you it’s heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound likable, but when you’re seven. You know, week is a long time. You know. It’s like… She goes to a school where the kids are not allowed to play tag on the playground. And the reason that they give is that they say, you know, if a kid loses a tag it could give him low self-esteem. First of all it’s fucking retarded. Okay. And, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t say that. And by retarded I mean, they can do anything. I think self-esteem is born out of things like, you know, I don’t know preserving pasts… …losing, you know, or getting through disappointment. Like that. Maybe we should be giving these kids a reason to win. We should be giving them motivation…. …you know, to win. I tell my niece every time she loses a tag an angel get AIDS. For instance. You have to speak her language. You know what I mean. I tell her, you know, that a beautiful angel… …gets full blown-ins. And you know what, she wins. So think about that. I tell her that when God gives you AIDS… When God does give you AIDS by the way? I don’t know. Make lemonades. It’s called, it’s positive spin. You know. I mean it’s… That’s what we should steal from corporate America, you know. That’s what we should steal, one positive thing we should take from the man, you know. Is positive spin. The whole idea of taking something terrible, something tragic and spin it up into something good. And if American Airlines were smart their slogan would be: “American Airlines – first through the towers.” Because it is something in which they came firsts. Right? Right. Obviously I’m not trying to be literal of the events of the September 11. They were devastating. And they were beyond devastating. You know, I don’t wanna say especially for these people or especially for these people. But especially for me. Because it happened to be the same exact day that found out that the soy chai latte is like 900 calories. I had been drinking them everyday. Cause you hear soy. You know you think healthy. And it’s a lie. But it was also the day we were attacked. Devastating. Remember the rage, you know. And then there is no place to put it. Where do you put it? I’ll tell you what I did – domain names. I bought OsamaBinLaden.com, OsamaBinLaden.net, OsamaBinLaden.org. And who’s he gotta come to, big ass. Guess what, it’s not for sale. Looks like you’re gonna have to be Osama 1. And then who is laughing last – America. America is. Was a tough year for me, I actually… it was the same year I suit my manager for sexual harassment. which, I don’t know if you know anything about show business, but something that… …boy, you know for a struggling actress to suit her manager out here in Hollywood It’s something that … It takes a lot of guts to do. You know. Especially because he didn’t do anything. We were in Scotland for a tress camp. The whole agency went. Oh Jesus! – That’s horrible. What happened? – What the fuck is this, Karl? You got fire. What? What!? Wochie water. I’m fucking jam this up somebody’s ass. I mean come on Sarah. You asked for it. I asked you for use your jam up your own ass, Karl. Would you ask me for it? Fidgy water! I only drink Fidgy water Did you ask for Fidgy water? Cause I’ll… Okay, now I’m mad. Now you got me mad. I don’t drink this water. It tastes thick. Listen to me. I would break down walls for you okay? I will go into my guy’s office and I will personally, you know, masturbate him into a cup for you. Is that what you want? What do you want me to do? You wanna me go liposuction Herbie Weinstein… …and give you some of his fat? What is it you dream of? I wanna be a part of a Sarah’s dream. I want you to take your dreams and I want you to use me as a tool. And I want you to carve your dreams out of wood, real wood. Oak. And then I want you to… …deepen in what you lack. So they never change. Never change. What did the agency send you for the show? I told them to send you a gift. Cheese in sausage platter. Cheese in sausage? I wanna take this. I have an early morning meeting. Best part of a strawberry. Best part. Are you ready to do the show? No I’m not ready to do the show, because I can’t even lubricate my fuck damn throat. You know what. I’m gonna call… I’m gonna call Gogie Water and I’m gonna get mad at myself. I’ll get my phone number. I wish I had my cell. No, you know what, Karl. Forget it. Right. You just have my fucking understudy do it. You’re up for a show? Get out there and knock them dead, alright? This is so gay. I just promised myself that I’m… ..totally should stop the show for a second… But I just promised myself that I would… …dedicate this performance to my nana. Who although this mean I’ll be your cup of tea specifically. But she was very supportive of me. And we were very close. And she passed away a year ago. This is for you nana. I’m sorry. She was ninety-six so obviously I suspect fowl play. I am spending my own money and I’m getting her body exhumed. And I am going to get a full rape exam performed. And I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. And my parents are not behind me. What else is new? They never are. They don’t believe in me. So they’re wrong this time. That sucks for them. Oh God please let them find semen in my dead grandmother’s vagina. My shit and I’m sorry and that belongs offstage. “Can you blow your old nose, can you tie your own shoe?” “If you had go grey once would you even know what to do?” “When you make the duty is it in your pants?” “Or trousers as they suddenly damp?” “Are you mad because your grandson is gay?” “Is it a bummer that your pubes are all grey?” “When you clear your throat is it really disgusting?” “Does it go on for hours and miles?” “You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon.” “It’s not cold in here you’re just dying.” “You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon.” “You in the back, you are dying soon.” “You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die soon.” “We’re all gonna die but not as soon as you, guys.” “You’re gonna die, you’re gonna die. You’re dying.” “Do you think I’m lazy?” “That’s hilarious.” “You’re seen around, dye your hair and take drugs.” “The more you shrink, the bigger your mouth gets.” “It drives me crazy how you chew your vomits.” “You told me you hated my perve.” “I’ve been within you.” “Pick up your prescription. I’m not your candyman. Bagabooms.” “You’re gonna die soon, you’re gonna die. You’re dying.” I’m just sensitive and my skin is peeper thin. And people don’t realize that cause I’m sassy and I’m brassy. But I am… I just… You know I see care commercials with these little kids with the giant bellies and the flies. And these are one and two year-old babies, you know. Nine months pregnant. It breaks my heart in two. It breaks my heart in half. And I don’t give money cause I don’t want them to spend it on drugs. I give. You know I give. You know, I mean I this past summer sent 15 really fun sweaters to this village in Africa. In really fun colors. Expecting nothing by the way. They called their money together, whatever they call it. And bought a stamp and sent me a postcard, thanking me. And it’s a, you know, “Thank you”. That day we had enough sweaters for every single member of the village to get one. And that they were delicious. I am working on an open letter and it goes like this: ‘Guess what, Martin Luther King. I had a fucking dream too. I had a dream that I was in my living-room. It wasn’t my living room, but it was like play in my living room in the dream. And I walk through to the backyard and there’s a pool and as I’m diving in there’s a shark… …coming up from the water with braces.’ So maybe you’re no so fucking special. Martin Looser King. Yeah. I wanna be the first comic ever to shit on Martin Luther King. People only talk about the good things. They don’t mention he was a litterbug. He would lock… He’d roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up. Well his family suffered and he would laugh. I just think people should know everything. Before they give someone a day. I’m a comic I’ve something to say. That’s the difference. Learnmedy, that’s what I call it. When I was a… When I was little I saw my father’s penis by accident and I just… I wasn’t scarred by now but I think it really affected me just because I was so young. You know. And so drunk. I did… This is fucked up. When I was in high school I went out with my father’s best friend and that’s embarrassing, you know. My father having a fourteen year old best friend. It’s like the way you treat your kids. You know the way you raise them it forms everything they become. All the hang-ups or whatever they had. I went to get some water, I went to liquor store down the street to get some water. Some delicious Fidgy water actually. Which for some reason just tastes better. And as I’m walking in. There’s a man standing outside of the door. Leutering outside the door. And as I walk by he goes ‘I want pussy’. First of all I’m not considered or anything I just… But he, you know… He was talking to me. He definitely was talking to me and he was like ‘I want pussy’. I think it was more like ‘I want pussy’. I can’t do these accents. The point is I had every reason to be offended, to be angry, you know, or whatever, but I felt sorry for him. It made me sad, because he was so obvious to me. That this is the person who grew up, who was a child you know, whose mother and father probably never gave him any pussy. You got to think before you judge people. There’s the point. Because it’s a cycle. I have a joke to that part but. Anyway. The point I’m trying to say is that kids need role models. They need adults in their lives that they can mold their own lives after. Otherwise they gonna grow up and they’re gonna be fucked up. Look at strippers. Right? Strippers should be role models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes. I don’t have the guts. And I don’t think a lot of you do either. You excluded, sir. They deserve the purple heart for that, the purple asshole. I have never… I mean the closest I’ve ever come to waxing my asshole is once I got it washed and styled. They say, you know, strippers, they end up being in porn. It’s like a gateway job to porn. I don’t know. What you gonna do? I’d never do it. And I could if I wanted to up in approached. Or if I did it would be purely, you know, for political reasons… …because I do not think there are enough Jewish women represented in porn. Fuck my tokus! I’m a bad Jew. I’m a dirty Jew. Fucking dirty Jew. Fuck my fucking tokus. We have fun. Can I steal you? People think Jewish women aren’t sexy. That’s such a bullshit, you know. Put on a sexy neglige. I have a long neck, that’s probably one of my best features. Out of many good features. But it’s… I’ve a very swan-like neck. And my neck is actually six inches long, completely flaccid. I am cheating. I’m measuring from the base of my balls. I was watching a porn and it was like series of vignettes and this one scene featured Ron Jeremy, very famous pornographic lesbian. And he, in the scene he’s masturbating on to a lady. But I noticed that his pinky was out. And found out why he does that. I found out why he masturbates with his pinky out. It’s because he’s classy. I’d like to sing a song. If I may. With your permission. This is a song dedicated to all the porn actors and porn actresses out there.. I know that my guitar is Steve. Did porn for a wile, gay porn. Ladies it was work, it was a job. Trust me, but… I was in gafro. You got gafroed all over your face. But seriously, let’s take it down a second. Jennifer, can we take it down, get some mood light in here? Wow, sexy. Sexy lighting. This is a song… Is there anything on me at all? “You give yourself to all lovers.” “Sharing all your liquidness.” “Temporary happiness.” “It’s you.” “There’s a hole in your butt. Where the duty comes out.” “There’s a hole in your butt where the penis goes in.” “Your vagina had so many penises in, that you might as well talk about the times they were not in it.” “Just roll on the times that are more unique.” “Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?” “Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?” “There’s a dream in your head that will never come true. There’s a sticking this all over and it didn’t come from you.” “You wish your dad had been there but more often times he was not. You can’t put your arms around the dirty gang-bang cumshot.” “But that’s all you get.” “That’s all you get.” “Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?” “Do you ever take drugs so that you can have sex without crying?” “There’s a hole in your heart where the sorrow poures out. There’s a hole in your heart where ambivalence sets in.” “All the penises in the country.” “All the penises in the world.” “All the penises in the galaxy.” “Want your hard hole” Thank you. Thank you for this Silverman. You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie. The anthem is Nazi. Okay. Nazis are assholoes. And I’ll be the first one to say it. Some edgy. Nazis are motherfucking asshole wipes, dicks. They cute when they’re little. I will get that. You’re so cute. Why can they be so small? I always know when its Hitler’s birthday. Cause they announced it on Entertainment Tonight. Right before they got a commercial, you see like a silhouette. And then they say, you know,”This man is responsible for the deaths of six million Jews.” Is it Ted Danson? Patrick Doughy? My niece is… my lesbian niece, they all families for a Julian. She goes to hebrew school and loves it. And she called me up and she’s like, you know “Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews?” And I corrected her and said you know, I think he is responsible for killing six million Jews. And she said “Oh yes, six million, I knew that but seriously, I mean what’s the difference?” The difference is sixty million is unforgivable, young lady. Kids, you know. Try to figure them out. I can’t. Who could? My nana was a survivor of the Holocaust. I’m sorry, alleged Holocaust. And he had the tattoo, you know, the number and thank God she was at one of the better concentration camps. She had a vanity number, it’s said a… “Bedazzled.” Just kind of fun. You know I don’t understand the… … Jewish people who drive German cars. It’s so… It’s not a secret. that companies like Mercedes and BMW and you know, Hitler commissioned Volkswagen. These are companies that built cars for the Nazi war affair. Jewish people who drive German cars it’s so gay. It’s just gay. And on the other side of the thing there’s companies, you know, there’s Mercedes, companies like that who… Boy, you know, if they could have only had the foresight, if they only could have seen into the future. The kind of business, you know, the amount of money they’d be making from Jewish consumers. I don’t know, maybe they’d help not killed the Jews. But, you know… Instead they helped, facilitated genocide of a people who would ultimately become their best customers. Any Jew will tell you it’s just bad business, you know. And now I feel preachy. But I just … I really believe this to be true. I believe that if black people were in Germany during World War 2, that the Holocaust would have never happened. I do, you know. Or not to Jews. I got in trouble for saying the word ‘chink’ on a talk show. On the network talk show. It was in the context of a joke, you know. Obviously that would be weird. I’d be like a really bad career choice. But nevertheless the president of an Asian-American watched our group out here in Los Angeles. His name is Guy Ayoki. And he was up in arms about it. And he put my name in all the papers, calling me a racist. And it hurts. I mean as a Jew, as a member of the Jewish community… …I was really concerned that we’re loosing control of the media. I’m right. I mean like what kind of world do we live in, where a totally cute white girl can’t say chink on network television? It’s like the 50’s. It’s scary. There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with, at all. One is Guy Ayoki, the other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my coke. He’s all ‘Me Chinese, me play joke’ If you have to explain it, Steve, it’s not funny. It’s not funny. We have to break it down. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. So… It’s what I tell Asian people all the time. They don’t listen. Midgets. You know the politically correct word for ‘midget’ is ‘little person’. Which just tickles me because it’s like the only politically correct word that actually more insulting than the original one. Midgets don’t like being called ‘little people’. They much prefer ‘Yes you are!’ Thank you for laughing at that. I appreciate it. I always feel crappy when I do that joke. It gets such a good laugh. I just feel like. What did midgets ever do? You know as a people to deserve to be marked. They’re human beings born extra crazy small. I don’t think like anybody here thinks we should make fun of midgets. But we do anyway. I think it’s because… I’ll tell you why we make fun of midgets. We’re not afraid of them. That’s what it always boils down to, cross the board. I mean, I had a joke with the word ‘n i g g e r’ in it, that I thought was so edgy. And so hip. I was doing it all over town at comedy clubs and I was at one this one club… …doing my show and I look in a front row and a whole front table is black people. Or African American people. And you know what? He was half and half. I’m pretty sure. But the point is I didn’t do the joke. And you get ask yourself, is that an edgy joke or is that the racist joke? I didn’t do it cause I was afraid of them. I didn’t. And I ended up changing that joke to chinks. So you live and you learn and hopefully you grow. I was going… I was about to go on a talk show and talk about that whole kind of idea how we make fun of people that we’re not afraid of. But we refrain from making fun of people we… that scare us. And I was about to go on and a segment producer came over to me and he said. You know, instead of n i g g e r s say the N word. And I said, great, what do you want me to say for chink? And he said ‘Say chink.’ Why? I’d like to sing a song for you now. It’s twisted. A love song. Oh shit. I did that on rehearsal too, I forgot and the guy, one of the guys working in a back said ‘Plug it in’. And I said “Yeah, we will fucking rip it up”. Plug it in. One, two, three, four. “I love you more than bears love honey.” “I love you more than Jews love money.” “I love you more than Asians are good at math.” “I love you even if it’s not hip.” “I love you more than black people don’t tip.” “I love you more than Puerto Ricans need baths.” “I love you more than girls love dolls.” “I love you more than dogs love balls.” “I love you more than the white stuff in us it.” “I love you like Gary Busey.” “I love you more than Dikes love pussy.” “I love you more than my after show monster bone heap.” “Jewish people driving German cars.” “Jewie people buying German cars.” “What the cock is that shit?” “But maybe it’s like take back for night.” “Maybe it’s like a bleeding hearts grow old and swing to the right.” “Maybe it’s like when a f a g g o t calls himself a f a g g o t.” “Jewish people driving German cars.” “It’s the opposite of foo-boo.” “But maybe it’s Patty Herst siding with her kidnappers, maybe it’s like African miner killing diamond-bering gangster robbers.” “Maybe it’s like when blackeyes calls each other n i g g e r s.” “Cha-cha-cha.” My friend Ryan Lynch came for me tonight. We got drunk and… he got drunk I don’t drink, but I think I… something happened. I dared him to deep his balls into his drink for a dollar, for a second. And would not do it. I just thought it’d be funny if he like, I don’t know, play… like pleate them in. He wouldn’t do it. I just think it’s interesting, like I know exactly why he wouldn’t do it. And this is interesting. He wouldn’t do it because he knew if he put them in his drink and they floated… …we would know that his balls are bewitched. And I just… love that, you know. I love like getting into the psychology of people. I did not lose my virginity until was 26. And that’s true. 19 vaginally. But 26, you know, what my boyfriend calls the ‘real way’. You know what, that’s a fucking disgusting joke. And I don’t do that. That’s a fictional. That’s a joke, I mean I don’t… That’s fucking nasty. And I don’t… My asshole is… It’s totally for decoration. It’s like an appendix. I tell people that I was shocked. I am… And my friend Mike was… he was like on last night ‘Oh, you know, it’s not disgusting, it’s natural.’ It’s like trying to sell me on it being natural. First of all duty comes out of there, okay. And second of all fucking duty comes out of here. I don’t need two reasons when duties involved. I’m like going off and then remember as I’m talking that Mike is gay. And I now have to backpedal and say like ‘no, your asshole is like your vagina. That’s totally cool’. I think on my figs, I’m a comedian. And he took me to the gay march this year and it was blast, I haven’t been there before. And it’s so fun and it’s just crazy. I just don’t want… like I don’t wanna be labeled as straight or labbled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me. You know that’s white. I can say that, by the way, cause I used to go out with a guy who was half black. Who totally broke up with me. Cause I’m a fucking loser. I just heard myself say that. I’m such a pessimist. It was a worst attitude. He’s a half-white. And he totally broke up with me. And it’s funny now, like what is it? King size 20-20 or whatever. Like I know it so obvious to me now why he broke up with me. Cause he has so fucking low self esteem. And I can’t compete with that, like everybody knows somebody who… it’s like anything you say to them they gonna take it. They gonna hear it in the most negative way. You know what I mean. And he was like. You could give him… Like I gave him a compliment, alright. I told him he probably would have made like a really expensive slave. Like in the olden time days. Not now. What does he do? Right. It goes through the roobe gold berg, you know craziest straw of his low self esteem. And it hit his ear and he heard something. Fucked up. I can’t control that. Like I can’t control what he hears. He has to learn how to love himself. Before I can stop hating his people. As a people. I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin. I do talk a little bit about race. The important thing its like the… Like if I based my material on stereotypes. That would be messed up. It would. But I don’t. Okay. I base it on facts. Fact the SAT test, the test that basically decides whether you go to college or not. Is called truly byest towards Caucasians. That’s a fact. Okay, I heard that somewhere. Fact… It the year 2004 women still get paid 70 cents to every dollar a men gets paid. And that’s a fact. Okay. Fact, every 30 seconds in this country a person of color jumps up and down and waves their arms behind a local news reporter. Fact. I went out with the Mexican man. Do racist people go out with Mexican men? I don’t think so. No, they’re filthy. It’s so hard like… I feel about like it’s jokes. You know like this woman came up to me last night a she was Mexican and… …she was so irate, you know she was so angry. And he came up to me ad she said ‘You know I’m Mexican and I don’t stink’ And it’s just broke my heart. Like I had to explain to her like you can’t smell yourself. Thanks a lot. Thank you so much. And we would love to, and I mean the royal We, leave you with a song. Something inspirational to live with. Amazing grace. “Amazing grace how sweet it sounds. That save the rash like me.” “I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see.” “It was grace that taught my heart to fear. And grace my fears relieved.” “A precious day that grace appeared the hour I first believed.” “Amazing grace, how sweet it sounds, that save the rash like me.” “I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind by now I…” “Was blind by now I’m…” “Blind by now I see.” “I say no good people turn their hips each day so satisfied I’m on my way.” Good night! Come in. Hi. Oh my God, you were so great. Thank you. It was awesome. It was amazing. It’s like all new material. And rape, and AIDS and Holocaust, just like you said. I was so cool. You must be so proud of yourself. It is so great. I am. Wow, look at this, it’s so pretty. It’s beautiful. Oh my God what a spread. Do you guys want something? I’m so hungry actually. I’m starving. Yeah I’m dying. This is like my dinner. I’ve got some Wochie water, delicious. If you want. Actually it’s just the last one, so just you can split it. When do you drink a whole water? I always leave it. Do you want some? No I’m good. I can open. This one is open. Thanks for coming by. And I’m sorry I just think I want… … like me alone. Oh yeah, of course. We all just, you know, we’ll call you. Like now. Okay. It’s okay. We’ll go get a drink. Great job. We gonna get a drink and… Have a good time. It was awesome. I know! Bye Sarah. Bye-bye. Thank you. You did it, kid. Come over here, I got a secret for you. You’re fucking amazing. You are a star. And I’m a star fucker. I didn’t get any sleep. I went to sleep at 1 in the morning. I woke up at 3 in the morning. Because I was just excited. I made myself stay in bed, but it was like this in bed. What are you gonna do? Maybe I’ll take a nap. You know. When I’m dead. Alright? Fuck yeah! What is that noise, It’s a child laughing. It’s really hard, guys. Seriously don’t go into acting, cause it’s totally like harder work than you think. You know what? It just like.. I just… It helps me realize I’m alive. Going out with the guy who drives German car. And I’m looking for a Yin to my Yang. Looking for a Yin to my Yang. He hates women too and I love it. So fuck you. A bird shit on me. A day before yesterday. Do you feel lucky? I felt lucky. Yeah. I was like… I imagine the birds, they lay eggs and they’re like ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe it came out of my pussy’. My name is Laura Silverman I’m actually Sarah’s sister. In real life. And I’m playing her friend which I’m not in real life. And I’m Brian Posehn, her friend. And I’m actually playing her sister. Hey guys. -Hey. We’re doing a little… Hi Sarah. Feature out. In the scene we sink in. Cool. Yeah. No. We just doing joke… So how is it working with Sarah? It’s horrib… great. It’s if you really-really into Sarah it’s great. Because Jews into Sarah. Yeah. So we have a common interest. Three of the actors just died from that. I’m 1 year and 1 month pregnant I’m 13 months pregnant, I just found out. That’s what Steve calls his wife – the Cuntintsky. I’m not married. Whatever. Fuck you. Fucker. Alright you’re good there. Motherfucker. Okay guys. I came in here to have gas. Like Marla Thomas that just walked in on her father under a coffee table with girl take mission on it. What’s f…. What’s funny? I would love to know what’s funny? You guys better go. Thanks a lot. Fuck. Fucking take it! The best time to get pregnant is when you’re a black teenager. Nazis are assholoes. But that’s totally not true because they’re cute when they’re little. Sarah Silverman was profiled in the 10/24/2005 issue of The New Yorker magazine, in an article titled “Quiet Depravity.”

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BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM D.C. (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-live-from-d-c-2014-full-transcript/

Broadcast live on September 12, 2014 from the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. * WOMAN: At the tone, the time will be… KEITH OLBERMANN: From the Warner Theatre… [Audience cheering] In Washington, It’s “Bill Maher, Live from D.C.” [Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here in the balcony. And I am Michael Moore. Welcome, everyone. Moments ago… How’s it going? Moments ago, Bill Maher finished the first part Of this marathon, His first part of his Lollapalooza here With the completion of the first part Of the two-hour live, live extravaganza, Michael. Yes, and we’re going to follow Bill for The next 5 minutes, hopefully only 5 minutes. He’s over in Chinatown, across town here, And he’s getting in his dressing room right now. He’s going to change clothes, Getting into some more casual clothes for his standup. Has he gone into the room yet there? The door is closed. Bill is in there right now. The door is… Bill is in there. He’s in there right now. The door is always closed, I know, From Bill’s rules. Well, having been on the show a few times, I can tell you what he’s doing right now. Well, tell me what he’s doing right now, Michael. He’s lathering And then rinsing and then repeating, And then lathering and rinsing And repeating again. He is a very clean individual. What part of the body are you talking about, Michael? Well, his… well, listen, all I can hope for is That there’s a surveillance camera in there, so that we can Turn the tape over to Commissioner Goodell after the show. [Cheering and applause] Or not, as the case may be. The moments of preparation that are going into it… We’re seeing something unprecedented In comedy tonight, Michael. We’re seeing a man trying to be funny For an hour in one theater, and then stopping the funny, Then getting into a car with a motorcade, Going through Washington, and then trying to resume being funny later on. This has not been attempted, we believe, Since, uh, what was it? It was Archduke Ferdinand… In Sarajevo in 1932. Yes, yes. And then repeated again for 8 years during the George W. Bush administration here, so… You know, he’s still in the room. Keith, he’s still in the room. I don’t know what’s going on there. What is the penalty for delay… oh, here we comes! And he’s out of the room. Here he comes out. He’s all dressed. He’s ready to go. He’s on his way! He’s on his way to the Warner Theatre here! All right. Look at him! Man, and he is fit! Look at that man go. And they’re not gonna get him… Wait, wait, Keith. I think he got dressed a little too quickly. It does not look like Bill is wearing his protective cup. [Audience laughter] Well, I hope nobody was looking for that, by the way, Michael. But he’s off. Here comes the motorcade. That’s right, more… Look at this! He’s got a police… he’s got a police escort! Look at this! How does… You know, normal politicians of this town, They have to just settle for, like, regular escorts. Mm-hmm. This guy has got a police escort. Clearly, the million dollars he gave to Barack Obama has paid off here tonight. Nobody can travel through Washington, D.C., this fast. Look at this. This is, once again, your tax dollars in action. [Laughter] This is just amazing. Wait a minute. Are those real cops or are those actors that have been hired? I think I see an HBO logo where it should say “Police.” Yeah. Heh! Well, they are the same thing in this jurisdiction, HBO and the police department. They’re coming up to the National Gallery There, folks, if you know Washington, D.C., The beautiful National Gallery With all of our fine art works. [Applause] The route… we should mention this, Michael… They’re headed down towards this, uh, What’s it called again? Pencil… He’s gonna go to… yeah, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue right now. There will be a turn there. Yes. I think he’s going to go right. If he goes left, We’re going to have about an hour and a half to fill. [Laughter] I just got word from the control room That Haley Barbour has just killed a man Backstage just to watch him die. [Laughter] We cannot confirm this yet, but, uh, But actually, before the show, we did see… The people didn’t see this on the air… But Nancy Pelosi was tackled by Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. It was pretty gruesome. Well, to get back to what we see… Oh, here we go now. Here they come. There’s our Capitol! That’s it. I know that building. It’s open. They, uh, they don’t… They only have the… That’s the wax museum, right? They never close down. The… the turn they made… There’s a Popeyes there now. They got a Popeyes in the basement. They want past the new… How would you know about the… They went past the… How would we know? They went past the Newseum, which, of course, is The newest monument in Washington to… Back in that time when we used to have news. Yes, I remember that. That, uh, they’re on their way. Here they come now. Now, they’re on Pennsylvania Avenue, Actually heading toward the White House, which… we’re down near The White House, and by the way, Keith, This is the 200th anniversary this month Of the British burning down the White House. Little-known fact… They asked their Canadian regiment of the British Army to do the burning of the White House. The Canadians, being, of course, great comedians forever… True story… they went across the Potomac into Virginia, freed some slaves, and asked them if they would like To do the honors of striking the match, And that’s exactly what happened. And now we’ve lost the signal… there we go. Now we’re back. We’re back on. Oh, there he is. There’s Bill. Where? Where is he? Oh, well… he may be On one of the motorcycles. What is he… They’re going by the FBI Building right now. The J. Edgar Hoover. Oh, dear. Wait a minute. Oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, no! What’s going on in the street? There’s a Boy Scout helping an old lady across the street! Oh, no! We’ve got to get this show started! They’ve stopped the motorcade! The motorcade is stopped. The old lady seems to be terrified. What is she ter… she sees some smoke coming out of a crack In the window from the back seat. Tell her not to worry. All right, we’re going to… I don’t know what we’re going to do about this. What’s our plan here? Have you ever done standup before? No. I… I’ve… This is… we’re live right now on HBO. And this is… Wait, wait, wait! The car is opening. Oh, no! Bill is run… He’s left the car! He’s left the car and is running to the Warner Theatre! Look at this man go! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! The humanity! Look at… look at this! Where’d he go? We’ve lost him! Michael… Here he is! Bill Maher has gone rogue. We’re gonna have to do the show, Keith. We’ve lost… wait a minute. There he is. There, way in the back. See him, everybody? Here he comes! There he is. Look at him go. [Cheering and applause] Look at the power in those thighs. Would you say he’s a bantamweight or a featherweight? Actually, kind of a cross, kind of a half-bantam, half… Sort of a phantomweight, I would say. Look at… man, this guy can run. He can move. Oh, he’s coming in! He’s getting ready to come in the building here. Oh, my God. Well… Wait a minute! Are we in trouble if ISIS is watching this? [Laughter] You know, actually, Bill used to date a woman named Isis, But we won’t go into that. Well, yeah. All right, everyone, here he comes! Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, my God! Take it over, Keith! [Cheering and applause] KEITH: The final powdering. The insertion of some extra-funny funny words That he’s been using exclusively, like “boobs.” MICHAEL: Look at this. BILL: There’s water up there, right? Yeah. KEITH: A little water. MICHAEL: They’re talking to him. BILL: OK. They’re going to have to cut his eye. Giving him the microphone. The moment is nearly here, Michael. * WOMAN: At the tone… MICHAEL: Here we go! KEITH: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Bill Maher! [Cheering and applause] * Thank you. Thank you. Ay, ay, ay. That was a… [Cheering and applause] Thank you very much. There was an old lady and a Boy Scout in the middle of the street. I had to run 3 blocks at breakneck speed. Oh, thank God I’m white. [Laughter] Oh, but thank you. Heh! Thank you for hanging out here. [Cheering and applause] Now it’s your turn. Are you all Washingtonians, are you excited about what’s going on in this town? AUDIENCE: No! Really? ‘Cause what’s going on in this town? Nothing. Now, in the country, there’s elections coming up. Are you going to vote in the midterm elections? [Cheering and applause] Really? Wow. See, the problem… [Person yells] What’s that? The problem is that the liberal base, You know, doesn’t show up for the midterms. Well, maybe you do. [Laughter] But mostly they don’t, you know. Each party has their base. You know this. Liberals have women, minorities, younger people. Conservatives have, uh… [Person yells] Uh… [Laughter] People who make sighing noises when they get up. That’s who they have. People buying gold from Glenn Beck. That’s… Heh heh! The Rascal scooter crowd. Here’s a sad fact about America. Do you know that most people who have Rascal scooters do not need them? They just hit 60 and went, “Fuck it, I’m done walking.” It’s true. Heh! And, of course, the other reason why it’s going to be tough for the Democrats is ’cause, as usual, The Democrats are running away from something good that they did. [Person yells] Now… let me finish. [Laughter and applause] I ran 3 blocks. Let me do it. [Cheering and applause] [Bill chuckles] No, they gave people health care, which is a good thing. They should own it. [Cheering and applause] But Democrats always get so intimidated whenever Republicans act like drama queens, which, of course, is always. Everything is always the end of the universe. They’re always shitting in their overalls that… President Blackenstein has done something… Outrageous and unpresiden… “He’s declared himself a king!” Oh, for fuck’s sake. You know, he’s using executive action, which every president has done, of course, But when he does it, oh, my God, he’s Dracula Crossed with Hitler times lung cancer. Ted Cruz, the patient zero for the dysfunction in this town. [Cheering and applause] I swear to God, this year he said, uh, “This year, Senate Democrats “Will be voting on a constitutional amendment to repeal the First Amendment.” [Laughter] I know. Exactly. Really, Ted, no one would vote on such a thing, but listening to you talk, it is tempting. Now, what is making right-wingers crazy these days is that not only did America elect a black president, It went ahead and re-elected a black president. This is my little pet theory About why they’re crazy. I mean, the first time, they didn’t like it, but they were like, “Well, everybody experiments.” [Chuckles] Now they’re like, “Oh, shit!” What if that once-you-go-black thing is true?” [Bill chuckles] “What if it turns out the coloreds is good at presidentin’?” And I think the coloreds is good at presidenting. I do. And I think I know why. Because I think, When you grow up black in America, You have to learn how to be patient with stupid white people. [Cheering and applause] And, folks, That is a lot of what government is, no matter what color you are… Being patient with stupid white people. Do you ever see Obama when he comes out of a meeting With Mitch McConnell and… John Boehner, These mental giants he has to work with? And he always tries to put a positive spin on it, Praises them whenever it’s at all appropriate, He gently criticizes when it’s absolutely necessary. It’s like watching a really good special-ed teacher. It is. [Applause] Heh! Things are so bad politization-wise in this town. Michelle Obama this year came out… I think just to test the Republicans… Came out for drinking more water… Just to see if they would come out against water… [Laughter] And they did. Predictably, they did. I mean, we should have seen this coming because Michelle Obama’s First Lady project… You know, in America, we don’t elect women leaders, Like 80 other countries have done. We have first ladies, and we give ’em A little First Lady project. “What’s your project, First Lady? “Beautify America. Isn’t that wonderful, folks? “She’s going to beautify America. “Thank you, First Lady. That’s terrific. “What about you, Laura B…? Oh, literacy.” Who could be against that? And right in this… [Person yells] What? Her husband! [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Ha ha! Right, I do this whole thing in another show, but that’s What you explode in applause for. And we wonder why we have a bad government. Anyway… Um… heh heh! No, I mean, that’s what we do. We give the little project to the First Lady because We pat them on the head, and Michelle Obama picked Getting the kids in better shape, which is right in this tradition, not controversial. Just saying, “Hey, kids”, “Don’t eat lard for lunch every day and… Get a little more exercise.” Well, on the right, you would have thought she farted in Jesus’ face. “Fuck you, black lady, tellin’ me how to raise my kids. Fuck you. That’s my freedom right there you’re…” “I will raise a brood of lethargic, poisoned blimps If I want to.” “Those aren’t our fat cells, those are freedom cells, you…” It’s always freedom with these people… But, you know… But I’m telling you, it’s not logical with them. What’s blowing their minds is that they got their ass kicked twice! [Cheering and applause] Twice! They were so upset about this that after the last one, They did an autopsy. Their word. I’m not being snarky. That was their word… autopsy. These are people who don’t do introspection a lot, But their minds were blown. They had to find out, “How could we have lost twice to Cedric the Entertainer?” [Laughter] Heh! So they literally made a list of things it could have been. One was, “Maybe our ideas suck.” No. They got rid of that, like, in an hour. Before lunch, they threw that one away. “Are you kidding? Our ideas are fuckin’ awesome.” Who would not want to vote for an agenda of protecting insurance companies from sick children… Thinking up new places to take a gun… And naming buildings after Ronald Reagan? I mean, if that’s not the perfect prescription… OK, so it couldn’t have been that. So they went to the second thing it might have been… “Maybe the last two times, We had flawed candidates.” No. Oh, please. Mitt Romney and John McCain, flawed? I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. I… OK, first, the world’s oldest man… [Laughter] Chooses the world’s stupidest woman. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] And you’re saying that’s flawed? And then, Mitt Romney? I can’t believe I was so scared That Mitt Romney was going to be president That a million dollars flew right out of my pocket. What? What the hell happened that day? [Cheering and applause] But… heh heh!… Money well spent. I’ll tell you something, Mitt Romney, if nothing else, Taught me about Republicans, because here’s the thing you have to understand about Republicans. They’re not logical. It’s all happening in the gut with them. It is. I mean, logically they don’t exist. They’re a crazy patchwork of Jesus freaks and gun nuts And generic, obese suburbanites And the super-rich, but… But what they all have in common is this belief that life in America was perfect in Appleton, Wisconsin, in 1958… Before there were gay marriage or regulations or recycling or certain types of light bulbs you had to buy Or “Dora the Explorer” and… And, you know, on that level, Mitt Romney is the perfect candidate. That’s the one thing he’s sincere about, The one thing that’s authentic about him. He is a 1950s sitcom dad. All Mormons are. They’re all… Even the women are 1950s sitcom dads. Mitt Romney legitimately eats meatloaf and he tells knock-knock jokes And he says “darn” and “dern” when he’s really pissed off, and he fucks the same woman quietly in the dark decade after decade. Why? Because he loves freedom. [Person yells] OK, stop yelling out. I promise what I have is better. Stop. [Cheering and applause] People are watching this at home. Ha ha ha! Now, these are the same people who are always… you know, it’s always about the freedom and “I want my country back.” “Country back”? You know what, assholes? I travel this country. Almost every weekend. I wish it had gone somewhere. It hasn’t. I wish Obama had transformed it With his magic Kenyan wand, but it’s still The same Kentucky-fried place it ever has been. But I’m telling you… drama queens, you know, during one of the Obama scandals, one of the many scandals that “A”… aren’t scandals, And “B”… Obama had about as much to do with as Michele Bachmann had to do with mapping the human genome… But… during the IRS scandal, A Republican Congressman said, “Is this still America?” [Sighs dramatically] Oh, it’s always a Mexican soap opera with these people. You know what? Yeah, I think it is still America. I think when the IRS looks a little more into groups with names like Fuck The IRS, It’s still America. But they love to make these assertions backed up by nothing. They love to say, for example, “Obama is the most radical president we’ve ever had.” ‘Cause, you know, they’re the ones who know history so well. Michele Bachmann once said, “Thank God for the founding fathers, who worked tirelessly until they eradicated slavery.” I was at the Lincoln Memorial today. Nothing in there now. Just it’s… Rick Perry could not place the correct century for the American Revolution. He thought it happened in the 1500s. Rick… Sweetheart, come on. 1776. There’s a musical by this name. People sing it. Mexicans know this date. Children know this date. Everybody knows, when Jesus sat down to write the Constitution, it was in 1776. That’s the year the British stole the Wright brothers’ plane And flew it into Uncle Tom’s cabin. We all know our history. [Chuckles] Not the 1500s. Fuck. That’s when Washington crossed the Danube… To blow up that abortion clinic. No. No, I made that part up, but… Sarah Palin… [Audience groaning] Who’s carrying my baby… [Cheering and laughter] Let me finish! Sarah Palin once said that Paul Revere made his ride to warn the British… She said this… About the Second Amendment 11 years before it was written, So I think when they say he’s the most radical president we’ve ever had, what they mean is he’s black, OK? This is… this is the word that sticks in their throat. They are dying to say it every minute! “He’s black! Does nobody see this?!” “There’s a black family eating off the White House china, “And nobody… ” But they can’t say that, so they’re always calling him a terrorist or a communist or an Afro-communist, the loud tribesman, And every euphemism. Newt Gingrich always calls him “the food stamp president.” Nothing racist there. Wink, wink. “I’m just saying that when the first black president became president, “All he wanted to do was walk through the ghetto, passing out food stamps. “I’m just say… nothing… when he wasn’t selling crack, obviously, or throwing dice behind the Dumpster at Popeyes chicken.” Those are the goals he had, but nothing racist. I mean, first of all, can you imagine taking moral advice from Newt Gingrich? A man who left his first wife when she got cancer… People know this… Left his second wife when she got MS, and they write about that. But I think the deeper question is, How come, when Newt Gingrich fucks you… [Laughter] You get very, very sick? I think we should look into that first. [Cheering and applause] So you know what? They can deny all they want that there’s something racial going on here, But there is a kind of “in your face” disrespect for this president I’ve never seen anywhere else. Heckling him at the State of the Union. [Applause] “You lie!” Remember that guy? The governor of Arizona sticking her finger in his face, Bill O’Reilly interrupting him every two seconds. People don’t do that to presidents. There was a Republican Congressman who said, “I cannot stand to be in the same room with him.” You know, they hated Clinton. They didn’t say that about him, and his come was on the furniture. So I… I think there’s something racial going on, Which is not to say that liberals can’t be stupid about race, too, but at least their stupidity comes from niceness. You know, they’re too sensitive. I just say the word “race,” and I can feel the sphincters tightening… Which is silly! Like, if I say… And I’ve said this before and I’ve gotten booed… That I think tattoos look stupid on black people. [Scattered applause] Right. It’s not racist. I just can’t make out what it is. I mean, “Is that a rose or a baby’s head on that?” I just can’t…” That’s not racist, and honestly, I don’t think tattoos look good on anybody. [Cheering and applause] Especially… Especially the ones in writing. Really? You couldn’t just remember that? “Only the strong survive.” Yeah, you know. A Post-It note on the refrigerator. Is there anybody walking around, “Oh, I wish I could remember what my philosophy of life is.” “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Thank you, arm!” Ha ha ha! “You really saved my ass! “Say thank you to the ass. “Oh, look, I got one back there, too. Oh, shit, it’s in Chinese.” I can’t wait for the people who have the Chinese symbol to someday get that translated: “Enjoy the dog meat, whitey.” You know, that’s what it probably says. But I tell you something, of all the racists I think In the Republican party, you know who the worst one is? Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Yes, and I’ll tell you why. [Cheering and applause] Donald Trump sued me last year for $5 million. Do you know this? Yes! 5… And here’s how this came about. Donald Tru… heh heh! Donald Trump. Donald Trump thinks [As Donald Trump] we have a feud… [Regular voice] because he won’t do my show. As if I could give a fuck if that moron did my show. We have a feud because he became a presidential candidate. Now you’re on my turf. And not just a presidential candidate, a one-issue candidate… All about how Obama was illegitimate as a president. Remember, he was sending his investigators [As Donald Trump] to Hawaii… Who were finding amazing things? [Regular voice] Yeah, like the price of the Mai Tais in the hotel bar and, “What an idiot our boss is” To send us here on an expense account.” Amazing things. Yeah, we’re still waiting for those results. Anyway, so after Obama releases his long-form birth certificate, Trump goes to, “Well, now I want to see his college records.” You know, ’cause a black guy getting into college? Something fishy about that, all right? So he offers the President of the United States… Real class… $5 million to release his college records, so I offered Donald Trump… Yes, on the air… $5 million if he could prove that he was not the love child of his mother and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter, cheering, and applause] Wait. Heh heh heh! Not… Not for no reason because we showed with pictures that there are only two things in nature that have that exact same color hair… Donald Trump and an orange-haired orangutan. [Laughter] And this dummy releases his birth certificate and sues me and goes to the press and turns what was a one-night, one-joke gag into a three-month national debate over whether his mother fucked an ape. [Laughter] He is not a bright man. So… [Chuckles] I am not going to say another word about Donald Trump. All right. I’m going to say one more thing about Donald Trump. No, no. One more thing. But it’s not even really about him. I’m just using him to ask a moral question. Are you ready for a moral question? [Applause] You sound like a great crowd. Are you ready for a moral question? AUDIENCE: Yes! Great. Here it is. It’s 1956. You’re in the locker room at Penn State. [Soft laughter] You see a 10-year-old Donald Trump walking into the showers with Jerry Sandusky. Do you save Jerry? A moral question, ladies and gentlemen. [Chuckles] Now, look, I tell you something, I understand why Donald Trump votes Republican. I understand why anyone in the top 1% of wage earners Votes Republican. They represent you perfectly. Anybody else who votes Republican are Just one of corporate America’s useful idiots. [Applause] It’s true. I mean, we’ve seen the people at the Tea Party rallies. They’re not wealthy. How come their agenda is exactly the same as the Koch brothers’? How come in their mind the problem with our economy is not banks that are too big to fail or CEOs That make 500 times what the average worker makes or lobbyists who write the laws, literally? No, the problem with our economy is poor people hoarding money. [Laughter] The takers! If there’s one thing that drives Republicans nuts! I mean, obviously, other than the scourge of voter fraud. Don’t… don’t get me started on that. But this other thing that drives them nuts, it’s the takers. The 47%. Remember them? The 47% of them who don’t pay any income taxes. Just mooching off the federal tit. Sucking on the tit of… “Get off my tits, you… My tits are sore from you people sucking on my tits so much.” This is why they hate Obamacare. They see it as just another giveaway. You subsidize one kid’s inhaler, Every kid is going to think breathing is an entitlement. [Laughter] “That’s not blood you’re coughing up, Billy. That’s freedom.” [Laughter] But, of course, the problem with Obamacare is not too much socialism. It’s still too much capitalism. You know, every other big-boy country in the w… [Audience member whistles, others applaud] Thank you, liberals. [Cheering and applause] Every other big-boy country in the world has figured this out, That you can have 90% of the economy. Just certain things should not be left to the profit motive, like health care, like people living and dying… Like prisons should not be for-profit, And they are in this country. Education should not be for profit. Elections should not be for profit. Wars. Halliburton shouldn’t be making a killing Making a killing. [Applause] But on the Right, there is this perverse view that the free market is always the perfect answer for everything. And government… [blows raspberry] “Government! Government should only do three things… Bomb Arabs, pay farmers not to grow corn…” [Laughter] “And name buildings after Ronald Reagan.” That’s always a winner, isn’t it? [Chuckles] You know this. No, I just want to know from the Republicans, how do they do it? How do they get struggling and working-class people to vote for them? [Woman yells] What is it? [Woman yells again] Again, the… MAN: Jesus. Yeah. OK, you run with that. [Laughter] [Man yelling] No. Actually… MAN: ribbon cutting… BILL: What’s that? MAN: your vow to kick Donald Trump’s ass at the Post Office Pavilion Ribbon cutting. WOMAN: We love you, Bill Maher. [Cheering and applause] BILL: I’m so glad that my HBO special has turned into a Tea Party rally. [Laughter and applause] Hopefully, the difference is we have security. No, it’s ironic because Obama’s slogan was Hope, And I think what the Republicans always sell is Hope and the word they use is “soon.” I notice they use that all the time. After the State of the Union last time, the Republican rebuttal, the guy said, “You know”, “Democrats are always talking about haves and have-nots. “That’s not how we see it in the Republican party. We see haves and soon-to-haves.” [Laughter] Fuck you. This is so cynical. This holding out the carrots. “I’m going to be the next one. Soon for me!” It’s pathetic. It’s like the way my dog looks at me in the car, like, “Tomorrow you’ll let me drive?” [Laughter] The senator from Florida, Marco Rubio, in his stump speech, He always says, “When Americans drive through a wealthy neighborhood, they’re not jealous. They look at those fine houses and they say, ‘Congratulations. We’ll be joining you soon.'” You know what, other than winning the lottery, What path is there for the nurse, you know, or the fireman, the cop, all the people we say are our heroes? The soldier. What path is there for them to be joining you soon in the mansion on the hill? I happen to know this one is bullshit Because for whatever reason, when I was a kid, my father used to like to drive through wealthy neighborhoods, Like, you know, when the Christmas lights were up. I never once heard that we would be joining them soon. [Laughter] This never came up in the car. He just liked to look. It’s like we went to the zoo. He didn’t think he was going to be a rhinoceros. He just wanted to look at it. [Applause] [Chuckles] It’s funny also the way that people who hate socialism so much are the first ones online for government giveaways. Tea Party people love Medicare. They love Social Security. It’s perks. That’s what government is. It’s giving people free shit, and people love free shit. Every government does it, including the Republicans. Bush did it. Remember the prescription drug program for the elderly? It wasn’t needed. They were getting their drugs through Medicare, but, you know, it’s a vote getter. [As George W. Bush] “Hey, here are some free drugs. Have a drug…” You know, Viagra had just come out, So, “Hey, have a boner on Bush. What do you think about that?” [Laughter] “Hey, remember me on election day,” “Won’t you, folks?” “I’m the guy who gave you that boner… George Bush…” [Regular voice] Really. That’s all it is, perks. Same as religion, by the way. Religion is also perks. Those perks are just better because, you know, you’re selling an invisible product, so… You know, really… Nobody ever came back from heaven and gave it a bad Yelp review. [Applause] “Oh, I was expecting so much more. What a disappointment after all the hype.” No. Ha ha! Now, people know this about me, I’m not an especially religious person, but, um… [Laughter] No, it’s true. That is true about me. But I got to say, I kind of like this Pope Frank. First of all, he’s just a lot more… [Applause] Cosmopolitan than every pope. You know, he’s from Argentina. He was a Jesuit. His real name is Jorge Bergoglio. Sounds like an expensive pair of shoes, doesn’t it? “Hey, look at these Jorge Bergoglios. They’re, like, 850 bucks.” And, also, I love it that, you know, he doesn’t take this shit too seriously. You know, a couple of months ago, this woman called up the Vatican and said that she wanted to take Communion again and they wouldn’t let her because she was divorced and remarried, which I remember is a big no-no in the Catholic church. And the Pope actually called her back and said, “Yeah, go ahead.” He did. He was like, “Ah, just… fuck it… and do it. “You know what? Just fucking do it. They got a lot of rules around here, but just do it.” I mean, he’s like that. The first pronouncement he made when he became Pope, He said atheists can go to heaven. And we were like, “Well, we don’t believe in it, “But it’s a nice gesture. We appreciate that.” And trust me, when he said that, The other dudes in the Vatican were like, “Oh, we got to prepare the poison now. This guy is just off message.” And he is. He is the Joe Biden of Catholicism. He really is. [Applause] A couple of months in, he said, “We shouldn’t judge gays.” [Cheering] And the Vatican people were like, “What?!” “What are you talking about? That’s what we do here, gays judging gays. That’s our whole thing.” [Laughter and applause] So… [Cheering] Now, how about my man, John Paul II, becoming a saint this year? [Faint applause] Oh, you people are so jaded. You know what? This is big. This is sainthood, baby. OK, let me tell you, let me school you on what goes on in the Catholic church. To become a saint, you need two confirmed miracles. Confirmed. No bullshit. [Laughter] I love the Catholic church. I love the way they take their own shit so seriously, the bullshit they invented. And then they’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s serious.” [Laughter] So here’s what happened. John Paul II died in 2005. Remember, Bush went to the funeral. Oh, it was like his best day in office. He was like a kid at the circus. He fucking loved it. It was like… [As George W. Bush] “Oh, nobody is answering any hard questions about me, and there’s other world leaders here and a dead Christian guy and there’s colors and pageantry.” [Regular voice] He was in heaven. OK. Ha ha! So he dies in 2005. Got his first miracle in 2007, Which is, like, ridiculously early, but I knew he could do it. And when he got that one, I fucking called it. I predicted… I said he is going to drop another miracle within five years, And he fucking did it. He got his second. You know what the second miracle was? I am not making this up… A brain-sick peasant in Costa Rica prayed to the dead Pope to get better and did! [Laughter and applause] Doesn’t get any more confirmed than that, OK, people? One thing happened, and then another thing happened. It’s called science. Look it up on the Google. [Chuckles] But you know what, the silver lining in this is that millennials… not religious. They just did a survey. Millennials… So much less religious Than any other generation we’ve ever had in America. And people talk all the time… [Applause] about how the Republicans have a problem with women, which they do, of course, and they have a problem with minorities, which they do. But what they don’t talk about is They have a problem with young people Because the Republican party gets more religious And the young people get less. In the last Pew survey… Get this… 48% of Republicans said evolution is a lie. 22% said Obama is or very well might be the Antichrist. Like that’s a thing. [Laughter] Here’s a great one from that poll. 44% said Obama will “Find a way to stay in office after 2017.” [Laughter] Wow. That is full-on “eat a paint chip” nuts. [Laughter] “Find a way.” Here’s a great one… 41% of Republicans think Benghazi was the worst scandal in American history. Second worst was when Kanye West grabbed the mike from Taylor Swift, obviously. Second worst day, but… Yes, they are… so obsessed with Benghazi. They want to know whether it was planned, like Pearl Harbor, Or unplanned, like a Palin pregnancy. [Laughter] If you watch Fox News, it is Benghazi 24/7. Here’s what happened in their Fox News mind… in their bubble. Here’s what happened when the shit started to go down in Benghazi. They called up Obama… Not his real name. His real name is a series of African clicking sounds. [Clicks tongue] That’s his name. So… They called up President… [Clicking tongue] Wait. Let me… Let me get this. Ooh. Ha ha! [Clicking tongue] That’s his name. They called up that guy, but he was praying to Mecca, so he couldn’t take the call. So then they called up Then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Who took the call but said, “I don’t care if Americans are dying. I’m having lesbian sex. Now, go away and bring me another big plate of pussy.” That’s what she said. Here’s one. Ha ha! Here’s one. You probably could guess this one that I love from the poll of Republicans. 45% of Republicans think that Obama is probably not a real American because he “feels foreign.” “Feels foreign.” Well, you know what, to me, John Boehner feels female. [Laughter] He does. He… ha ha! He wears a lot of bronzer. You know, he gets teary over nothing. I’m always like, “This guy is tanned, rested, and hormonal”, for crying out loud.” Is he the speaker of the House or the mother of the bride? [Laughter] Maybe that’s the source of the Republican problem with women because they sure do have a problem with women. You know that Obama beat Mitt Romney among single women 67-31. Those numbers you don’t often see in American politics. That is a very clear message, and the message is, “Get off me.” Oh, women must be so tired of Republican Congress people being medical supergeniuses about their vagina. It’s… [Applause] Let’s switch it up for a while and hear what gynecologists have to say About the national debt, shall we? I mean, when did this start in America That everybody gets to weigh in On women’s private reproductive issues? Hobby Lobby. Who gives a shit what Hobby Lobby thinks? Hobby Lobby gets a vote? They’re a Pentecostal yarn store. You sell glue sticks to cat ladies. Why are you getting to voice an opinion on somebody else’s… [Laughter] Politicians never used to talk about this shit, And now they can’t stop. Mike Huckabee, who wants to be president of the United States, said this year… He said, “Women vote for the Democratic party” “Because Democrats are the party of government And they pay for their birth control.” And then he actually said, “And women can’t control their libido”… Especially around Mike Huckabee. Am I right, ladies? [Chuckles] If anybody would know. I mean, this never used to happen. They had contraception in the fifties. I swear to God, Eisenhower never once used the word “libido.” I mean, if somebody had asked Eisenhower about contraception, he would have went, “What?” “I was a general.” “I sent men to kill and die. I don’t care what you do with your come.” “Go ask your mommy.” [Applause] But… [Applause] And, you know, the old-school Republicans, the indoor Republicans, the potty-trained Republicans, they want to get these other nuts to stop talking about women’s lady parts, but they can’t help themselves. It’s like Dr. Strangelove’s arm, you know? It’s just, “Uh! I can’t help it.” Even when they try to impress women, they fuck it up. Remember Mitt Romney with the “binders full of women”? Right? I’m not making that up. Mitt Romney actually said, trying to big himself up about women, said, “You know, when I was governor, I wanted” To hire women…” “But I didn’t know any.” That’s where the binders came in. That’s when he ordered… “Bob, get me everything we have on women.” [Laughter] “This could be big, Bob. I want to get in on the ground floor. “I don’t want to get scooped on this one. Women as workers. “This could be really something. “They work for less. I know I love that. So let’s get on this right away.” [Applause] There was a Republican Congressman from Missouri who said that fetuses masturbate in the womb. I could not make… [Laughter] I know. You thought that was the baby kicking. No, no. That’s whacking, not kicking. No. That’s that. [Chuckles] You know what? I have done every drug known to man. [Scattered cheers] This thought never came into my mind. [Laughter] I mean, a lot of crazy thoughts came into my mind, and I swatted them away, But never once, no matter what I was doing, Did I ever think, “Yeah, there’s kids whacking in there.” That’s probably…” I mean, why would you even say that? Why? Of course! Because they’re all abortion nuts. That’s why. They’re always trying to prove that science knows that life begins earlier and earlier. “How can you kill that kid? He’s having a great time in there. He’s whacking, and he’s watching videos…” Oh, yes, the one branch of science they believe in. Sorry, global warming. If only you were caused by sluts fucking, we could do something about you. [Applause] It’s always about sluts fucking. I’m telling you, these people never got over the sexual revolution. Fuck. They never got over the Civil War. What am I talking about? But especially the sexual revolution. In their mind, life begins when a man and a woman share an appetizer. [Laughter] And God loves every single, solitary speck and goo of human life until it tries to sneak into America, and then life can go fuck itself. [Cheering] Oh, yeah. America is a shining city on a hill. And we don’t need a bunch of Guatemalan kids Tracking mud through it. No, they’re crazy in the mind because America is finally changing. This is what is so scary to them. Hispanics are ascendant in this country. We do have a black president. A third of the country can get gay-married. A third of the country has medical marijuana. [Applause] America is changing. Two states have regular old roll up a fatty and watch “SpongeBob” marijuana. [Cheering] I’m telling you, it’s a new dawn of some kind. There’s a Hindu in Congress, there’s two Muslims in Congress. There are 6 openly gay people in Congress. I know we missed it this time, But the NFL… The barrier has been broken… Is going to have a gay player very soon. [Applause] I predict in five years, the NFL will be completely gay. [Laughter] [Chuckles] There will be new penalties like, “Eligible man downfield.” “Roughing the snapper.” You know. That’s the snapper now. I made that part up. No, it’s true. This is what’s rocking their world, is that heterosexuals are not getting married anymore And gay people are. It’s nothing logical. It’s just this onslaught of gay and pot and black and Hispanic! You know, it’s the sixties dorm room That they were never invited into. That’s the problem. I think that’s the problem. [Applause] I just hope that Democrats will evolve on the pot issue as quickly as they did on the gay marriage issue because I notice… which is to say not very quickly at all… But as soon as gay marriage hit 51% approval in the polls, Ooh, there was a lot of evolving on it. Suddenly… ha ha! And I notice a lot of them use the same excuse, which was, “Well, you know my kids have gay friends”, “And we had them over to dinner. “It was lovely and none of them leapt across the table and tried to have anal sex with me. So I guess it’s all good on the gay thing.” Well, don’t hold your breath for that. I’ll say this for the Republicans, Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls. The repeal of… [Audience member applauds] Thank you, one person. The repeal of don’t ask, don’t tell in the military was polling at 75% approval. That’s super-high in America. Nope. Democrats still needed to do one more study to cover their ass. So they did a study to find out whether having gays in the ranks Would impede readiness. [Scattered laughter] Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this? “Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me…” “While I fire this rifle at those targets down there.” “Let me dig in here.” [Clears throat] “And then we will repeat the experiment when you’re not blowing me.” “And we’ll see if it impedes readiness, all right? “Here we go. “A little to the left. No, not you. You’re perfect.” [Laughter] Really? [Applause] [Chuckles] I have to ask, how come it is that in the military and the clergy, they talk about homosexuality like it’s this thing that if you’re around it at all, you will be tempted. I mean, I’ve been in show business my whole life. I’m around it. I was never tempted. I never walked into a wardrobe trailer and went, “Ah!” [Laughter] “I bet I could fuck a lot of the guys in here.” Because I don’t fuck guys. But somehow in the military and the clergy, it’s like dessert at a fine restaurant. Just… “Oh, don’t put that in front of me.” [Laughter] [Applause] “Oh, you’re bad. No! No.” “Well, I haven’t sucked any all week. I suppose I could have one.” And, you know, whenever you see a Congressman or a clergyman get caught with a young boy, I notice that the go-to first excuse to let everybody down easy is Always the words, “I am not a perfect man.” If you hear “I am not a perfect man,” Just put the cock in his mouth right there. [Muffled] “I am not a perfect man.” [Chuckles] “But I’m not gay. Oh, come on! Where’d you get this shit?” “Honey, am I gay? Do I do anything gay?” [Laughter] Don’t you feel bad for the wife in a sex scandal, although I actually think the age of the sex scandal is over because the technology we have between “TMZ” and the NSA, nobody can get away with anything. Look at poor Anthony Weiner. He never even got laid. [Laughter] He was just typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating, and happily. You know, sometimes these women would write back to him and say, “We could make this happen for real,” And he’d be like, “Ew.” [Laughter] “What do you mean, ‘for real’? How gross! “You mean I touch you? No! I’m typing and masturbating and typing and masturbating.” This must be a generational thing, honestly. I don’t associate typing with sex. I associate typing With term papers that are due the next day. That’s what I associate typing with. [Applause] But it’s certainly not the case, as so many people say, That they’re hornier now… More now than ever. They’re not hornier more than ever. Kennedy was hornier than any… The founding fathers were the horniest generation of all. It’s just that they couldn’t get caught back then. There was no way you could send a picture of your penis to a woman. I mean, you could but you had to sit for a dick portrait. [Laughter] “Yeah, a little to the left, Mr. President. Thank you.” You’d have to frame it and put it on a carriage. It was a… well, you know. But this is the age we live in. People put their shit up online. We’ve seen Anthony Weiner’s penis. We’re going to see a president’s penis someday. This is why I am so for circumcision. You know, th… [Scattered cheers] There is this movement to get rid of circumcision. Oh, people hate it. “It’s child abuse and genital mutilation” And it’s desecration of the human flesh.” Whatever! I am for it. And if everybody’s gonna put their junk online… Anything that makes a penis look less like something that lives in the ocean… [Laughter] Should be applauded, encouraged, and federally funded. I will be in your office tomorrow looking for funding. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You were an awesome crowd. I thank you for coming out, Waiting for me to arrive, the whole 9 yards. Thank you, HBO and our staff, And everybody here in Washington. It was so great. Thank you! [Cheering and applause] * MAN: Real… [Cheering continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Rock: Kill The Messenger – London, New York, Johannesburg (2008) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-kill-the-messenger-london-new-york-johannesburg-2008-movie-script/

What’s up? Yeah! Yeah! What’s up, Johannesburg? What’s up, New York? What’s up, London? Ah! Yes, I’m in Jo’burg! I finally made it! Whoo! Now let’s hope I make it the fuck out of here. Cos it is violent right about now! And I ain’t talking about the jungle. Man, oh, man, it’s good to be here, man! It is so good to be here. The first time I’m ever playing Africa. Africa, first time playing Africa, South Africa. I was on safari with my family, out there taking pictures of the animals. And you’re driving around, and you got this guy what you call the tracker. The tracker is amazing cos you just driving around and the tracker goes, “Stop, stop, stop, stop.” And you stop the jeep and he leans down and puts his finger in some piss. He’s like… “15 miles to the right should be zebra.” And you get there and there’s zebra! There’s zebra! Wow! Zebra! And you drivin’ some more and “Stop, stop, stop.” Then he leans down and picks up a little shit pellet and… “Mmm! Ah! Mmm…” “13 miles to the left, rhinoceros.” And you get there and there’s a rhino right there! You’re like, “How the fuck’s he do this shit?” And it was beautiful. I’m out there taking pictures of the rhino, I took the pictures of the zebra. And I was having a good time and I’m out there with my family and I felt great, till I looked over at another jeep and I saw a bunch of white people taking pictures of me. I didn’t see a… Hey, I ain’t no animal! But they had a tracker tracking my black ass. Evidently, I musta dropped some chicken or su’um at another spot, and they’re like, “Ah, chicken bone. 13 miles to the left, n i g g e r s will be there.” This is a crazy time, man. This is the time to be onstage. This is the time to do a special, man. Cos this is a special time. A lot’s going on right now, that’s right. Big election year in the United States. It ain’t your election, but you paying attention. You damn right you are. That’s right. George Bush has fucked up so bad… he made it hard for a white man to run for president. People are like, “Give me a black man, a white woman, “a giraffe, a zebra, anything but another white man! “That last one fucked up my roof.” Now who do we have running for president? Who the hell is running for president? We got two guys, man. We got John McCain. John McCain, 72 years old. He was too old 10 years ago. 72! He’s so old, he used to own Sidney Poitier. Come on, man. I don’t need a president with a bucket list. 72 years old! My God. How many 72-year-old people did you see today just doing shit? 72… Old people don’t even use old people to do shit. Seventy-fuckin’-two. Two! You see he hired his nurse to be his vice president too. What the fuck is on her mind? Sarah Palin, out there shooting mooses and shit, and holding up the moose and shit. I see her holding a dead moose, I’m like, “What the fuck is Michael Vick in jail for?” She shot a moose! What the fuck? My God! John McCain, how you gonna make decisions about the future when you ain’t gonna be here? He’s old! The motherfucker’s too old. When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. Cos if you was younger, you’d have got out the way. Then, you know, you got a real choice, man, Barack or McCain. They tryin’ to… McCain just got that old story. This motherfucker been telling the same story for 40 fuckin’ years. He a war hero. He a war hero. He a war hero… that got captured. There’s a lot of guys in jail that got captured. Shit. Fuck that. I don’t want to vote for nobody that got captured. I want to vote for the motherfucker that got away. That’s what we got, man. So who’s he running up against? Barack Obama. Barack Obama, man. Barack Obama! Yes! Black man! With a black name. I know it ain’t that black here, but in America, that’s about as black as a name could get. Barack Obama. That’s right next to Dekimbe Mutombo. That’s right, Barack, man, he don’t let his blackness sneak up on you. If his name was Bob Jones or something, it might take you two or three weeks to realise he black. But as soon as you hear “Barack Obama”, you expect to see a brother with a spear… just standing on top of a dead lion. Barack Obama! You expect to see the bass player from The Commodores come out. I’m not talking about Lionel Richie. I’m talking about them shining n i g g e r s behind him. Barack Obama. We ain’t never seen a brother like Barack Obama. Nice-looking brother, young. Young! Every time I see Barack, I’m like, “So when you getting back with New Edition?” This young brother. My God. And Barack is so calm and cool. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even realise he’s the black candidate. Like he thinks he could win this thing fair and square. Like he thinks having the most votes is gonna mean su’um. Shit! They will change this whole system on his black ass overnight? You better ask the Indians about white men and rules. They will change all this shit. With a straight face too. “Hey, man, you got the most votes. “Too bad you lost. “That’s how we used to do it. Ha-ha! “We don’t really count votes that much no more.” They don’t give a fuck, boy. And they in Barack’s ass. Whoever Barack know is being investigated. If you know Barack Obama, they are tapping your phone right now. They are in your ass. And that’s where McCain has the advantage cos all his friends are dead. Yeah, man, but this whole election is so… is so weird. Just the way they report on it, the way they cover it. Everything’s so racial, racial, racial. “How many white people are voting? How many working-class white people? “How many white people over 4’8″ are voting for Obama?” You know? And the crazy thing is, whenever white people vote for Barack Obama, which is a lot of the time, they go, “Well, you know, they listened to the issues “and they felt Obama spoke to their issues. “They went over the issues, they weighed the pros and cons, “and they felt that Obama spoke to their issues.” And whenever black people vote for Barack, they go, “Well, they black, he black, I guess that’s why.” Like we don’t even have names on our ballots and shit. Like it’s just scratch ‘n’ sniff on our ballots. Like it’s just pictures of milkshakes. “No. Strawberry? No, chocolate! Chocolate. “I vote chocolate. That’s what I want.” Don’t get me wrong. Don’t get me wrong. We are very excited about Barack Obama. Black people are very excited about Barack Obama. But we’re not just voting for him cos he’s black. We’re voting for him because he’s black and qualified. That’s why we’re voting for the motherfucker, yeah! That’s… That’s why we behind him. You know, it’s not like we’re voting for Flavor Flav. Yeah, boy! Flavor Flav! I love Flavor. Loved him for 20 years. I love the Flavor Of Love show. I think it’s quite entertaining. But Flavor Flav must be killed. In order for black people to truly reach the promised land, Flavor Flav has to be shot. These are important times. We got a black man running for president. We don’t need a n i g g e r with a fucking clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head. Not this year, Flavor. Put a suit on, n i g g e r. Put a suit on! Not this year, Flav. Not this year. No, no, no. But we’re very… We’re very, very, very excited, man. I’ll tell you this right now, white people that are here. If Barack Obama wins, if you have any activity in your life that involves black people that is supposed to happen the day after election day, it will not get done. Election day’s a Tuesday. That Wednesday, don’t schedule no black shit. Like, if you gotta fly, ain’t nobody carrying your bags. You got to get your own motherfuckin’ bag. We got a black president, motherfucker. Shit. It’s going to be hard for Barack Obama to be president, man. Cos Barack Obama has to overcome a handicap that the other candidate does not have to overcome. That’s right. It’s gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be president because Barack Obama has a black wife. And I don’t think a black woman can be first lady of the United States. Yeah, I said it. I said it in Johannesburg, I said it. I said it in London, England, I said that shit. I said it at the Apollo Theater, I said that shit. I don’t believe a black woman can be first lady. You know why? Cos a black woman cannot play the background of a relationship. Don’t get me wrong – a black woman could be president with no problem. First lady? Too much shutting up in that job. Can you imagine telling your black wife that you president? “Honey, I won. I’m president.” “No! We president. “And I want my girlfriends in the cabinet. “I want Kiki to be Secretary of Defense. “She can fight. She can fight.” No, no, you can’t have no black first lady. That’s too much work for the secret service. “We can’t let her through, sir. We can’t let her through.” “It’s my fucking wife, man. She’s gonna kill you!” No, no, no. That’s right. Barack Obama really want to be the president, he got to get him a white girl. Yeah, I said it. Why? Cos a white girl will play her position. The black girl wanna play your position. You under the quarterback going, “Hike, hike!” She right next to you, “Hike, hike!” “We can’t both hike.” “I don’t give a fuck.” That’s right. You get you a white girl, she do exactly what you need her to do. “I need you to run left, slant right.” “OK, Daddy, I got ya.” And you win. Whoo, black women get mad when I say that shit, boy. “Oh, you need a white girl? You think you need a white girl? “Fuck you, motherfucker. “You think you need a white girl? “As soon as you all get a little money, you want a white girl. “Soon as you get a little money, you want a white girl.” “Actually, before we get money.” Oh! Oh, don’t worry. I’m a bring it back. Black women get pissed off at some interracial dating, boy. Black women get mad as a motherfucker. Black women get angrier than southern white men. They get pissed the fuck off. Especially if they see, like, a white girl with a famous black man. Ooh! They get fuckin’ mad. They see, like, a white girl with Denzel Washington, they fucking start shaking. They ready to punch that white girl in the face. “What the fuck you doing with Denzel? “Trying to take our good black men. “We only got eight.” That’s right. Black women get mad. They get mad at us, the black man. They get mad! They get mad at us cos we like to exercise our variety. That’s right, that’s right. Black men like to exercise their variety. When the black man is looking for a mate, we check out the whole menu of women. We’re like, “Uh, you got any specials?” Sisters get mad. Sisters will get in your face, like, “You don’t like your mother.” They get all up in your grill. That’s right. But they act like they mad at the black man. But no! They’re not mad at us. They’re mad at themselves. That’s right, yeah. I said it, I said it. Yeah, I’m looking right at ya! I said it. You are mad at yourself. Cos I’m a tell you the real reason black women get so mad at interracial dating. Oh, I’m a break it the fuck down tonight. The real reason black women get so mad at interracial dating – it ain’t all black women, but it’s most black women – the real reason black women get so angry at interracial dating is cos black women are not attracted to white men. Don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck a pretty white boy. They’ll fuck Matthew McConaughey or George Clooney, Brad Pitt, they’ll give Beckham some pussy, yes. But black men, our standards ain’t that high. We’ll fuck any white girl. A matter of fact, the bigger, the better. It’s just more white to love. There’s white women in this room right now, don’t even have scales in their house. They know they gaining weight when too many black guys start hitting on ’em. “It’s like these black guys are all over me. “I gotta work out.” That’s right. Black men love a big white woman. Shit, a black man will drop-kick Keira Knightley to get to Rosie O’Donnell. Boy, we will tear that Rosie pussy up, boy. Shit, move that gut to the side, there’s some good pussy under there. We don’t give a fuck! We’ll fuck the whole View, Rosie, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, it’d be “the view from the back of that ass.” Shit, we’ll fuck Rachael Ray, right after that shit. Fucking Rachael Ray with her plump ass and shit. I’ll fuck her right in the arm fat, right here. Right in this motherfucker. Right in this motherfucker. “Whose arm is this?” Just need a crease. That’s all a n i g g e r needs is a crease. Just a crease, n i g g e r. That’s a crease. I’ll fuck her in the arm fat and have her make me some biscuits when that shit’s all over. That’s right, man. That’s right. And that’s what makes black women so mad. Cos they know Rosie O’Donnell could walk into any black club in Harlem tonight and get her a black man. She don’t even like men… but she can get her a black man. And it don’t work the other way around. There ain’t a bunch of black women out there trying to fuck George from Seinfeld. That’s right. You see a black woman with an overweight white man, that means her credit is fucked up. Like, she’s in financial straits. “Girl, what you doing with him?” “They was gonna take my car.” Yes, yes, yes, man. Yes, yes, yes, man. I don’t know, man. Let’s go back to the election for a second, man. It don’t matter who wins this election right now. It don’t matter Barack or McCain, it don’t matter right now cos Bush is still in charge. George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don’t give a fuck? Bush don’t give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hanging from a cliff, getting ready to fall to your death, that’s right, and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks, he wouldn’t give you one. “Bush, I need a fuck!” “Oh, you know I don’t give a fuck. “Here’s a fuck. Psych!” Bush is unbelievable, man. This guy’s unbe-fucking-lievable. Just the things that have gone down since he’s been the president… It’s unprecedented how bad this guy is, OK? He ain’t the worst president of the US, he’s the worst president of presidents. He’s the worst PTA president, president of the block association, president of major league baseball, World Wide Wrestling Federation… The worst president ever! This motherfucker. Just the shit that has gone down since he’s been president is unbelievable, man. Unbe-fucking-lievable. The mortgage crisis going on right now, people losing their houses. One month your mortgage is 900, the next month it’s 9,000. You got to look outside to see if you moved. “Shit, this can’t be the same neighbourhood.” Fucking gas is through the roof. Gas is so expensive right now, soon they’re going to start selling gas in bars. It’s gonna be like, “I want to send half a tank to the little lady over there in the red.” I think pretty soon people are gonna be fucking for gas. I think people are already fucking for gas. Some of y’all in here tonight are fucking for gas. Like, “Girl, why you with him?” “He filled up my tank.” Ladies, if a man fills up your tank, you gotta fuck him. A quarter of a tank? Handjob. You gotta get to work, right? You gotta get to work. Gas is so fucking expensive. I don’t even get it. So let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil… With oil, but gas costs more? That don’t make no fucking sense. Now I didn’t go to no fancy school or nothing, but I tell you this right now, if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house. Yeah. Like, gas is so expensive now, whenever I fill up my tank, I just whip out my dick and jerk off right at the gas station. That’s what I do, if I fill it up, I jerk it off. You know why? Cos when I spend that type of money, I’m used to coming. You ought to try it. Next time you’re running low, you’ll get happy. “Holy shit, I’m almost out of gas. Good!” That’s right, man. Shit, fucking gas is through the roof. This shit is no joke, man. And you know, they’re just trying to get you, man. And they keep saying, “Is America ready for a black president? “Is America ready for a black…” I hope Barack wins, man. I hope he wins. I really do. I hope he wins. I hope he wins, just so as a black parent, I could stop giving that “You could do whatever you want to, baby” speech. That my kids could just go out and shit. I don’t have to say it every time they walk out the house, “No matter what they say, you could be whatever you want to be.” Cos white parents don’t have to say that shit. Cos it’s obvious, that’s why. You try to say that shit to a white kid, they go, “Yeah, I know. I know. “I know, I can be anything. I know, I know. “I know, if I work hard, I can be anything. Yeah, I know. “You know what? Even if I don’t work hard, I can be anything.” Tired of that shit, man. But they keep saying the same thing, “Is America ready for a black president? “Is America ready for a black president?” Well, we should be. We just had a retarded one. America, man. Crazy. So much going on right now. And race is the big issue, the biggest issue in the world right now. Race. It’s a big thing, man. Racism all over the world. It will never die, it will never die. It will only multiply, baby. Racism all over the world. Even in my life, there’s some racism. People go, “Really?” Yeah, yeah. Yes, in my life. I will give you an example of how race affects my life, OK? I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. I live in Alpine, New Jersey, right? My house costs millions of dollars. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. In my neighbourhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there’s me, Mary J Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighbourhood. So let’s break it down. Me, I’m a decent comedian, I’m all right. Mary J Blige… Mary J Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the earth, Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live, Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He’s a fucking dentist. He ain’t the best dentist in the world. He ain’t going to the dental hall of fame. He don’t get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He’s just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the black man gotta fly to get something that the white man could walk to. That’s right, baby. Shit, I had to make miracles happen to get that house. I had to host the Oscars to get that house. And to this day, I don’t even believe it’s my house. That’s why I keep a bag packed right by the door… just in case the white people that really own the place show up one day. “Time to go, blackie.” “Damn, I knew this day would come. “Good thing I’m packed.” Do you know what a black dentist would have to do to move into my neighbourhood? He’d have to invent teeth. Racism, man. Racism out there, man. Only thing that makes me more angry than racism, only one thing makes me more angry than racism, is black people that are shocked at racism. Cos whenever something racist goes down, they always manage to find one black person that can’t believe it. “I can’t believe Imus would say that.” I’m like, “Where the fuck you from?” There’s nothing a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off guard. Ever. I’m always looking for some racism, no matter where the fuck I’m at. I’m like, “Where the racism at? Where it at? Where it at?” No matter where I’m at. I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin, doing an interview, talking about Madagascar 2. Say, “Yeah, Regis, Madagascar 2 is real good, man. “I play a zebra again. This motherfucker’s great.” And in the middle of the interview, Regis will pull a pencil out of his pocket, stab me in the neck, say, “Take that, you fucking n i g g e r! “Take that you dirty, greasy n i g g e r! “Take that, you fucking n i g g e r!” And I’ll be like, “I should have seen it coming. “I let Regis get too close.” I’ll be mad at me. I’ll apologise. “Hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. “I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry.” Yeah, man. Race, man. Big, man. We live in a crazy time, man. We live in an insane time, man. We live in a time where if you say the wrong thing, you in trouble. This is the first time in the history of the world where white men actually have to watch what they say. White men are getting in trouble for saying the wrong words. That’s unbelievable, man. And a lot of white guys, “Hey, that’s not fair. “You can say whatever you want. You can say n i g g e r.” Yeah, when I last checked, that was the only advantage I had to being black. You want to switch places? You scream “n i g g e r” and I’ll raise interest rates. Yeah, this is the first time in the history of the world where white men have to watch their tongue. And now, white guys, don’t worry about it. You know, that’s how life works, man. That’s how life works. Sometimes the people with the most shit have to shut up and let other people talk shit about ’em. That’s how life works. That’s right. Sometimes the people with the most shit get to say the least shit. And the people with the least shit get to say the most shit. So if you want to say the most shit, get rid of some of your shit. That’s how the world works, man. Some people get to talk about other people, and that’s just how it goes, man. For instance, like, fat girls can say whatever they want to about skinny girls. Fat girls can talk about skinny girls all day long, “Fucking skinny bitch, fucking skinny-ass anorexic, “bulimic, fucking regurgitating bitch. “Fucking Cheerio-belt-wearing bitch, salad-eating motherfucker. “Hope she chokes on a crouton.” But skinny girls can’t talk about fat girls. That’s just mean. “Look at these big bitches. “Do they freebase gravy? “Food is not your friend. It’s not your friend.” For instance, you know… Short guys can talk about tall guys all day long. Short guys can say whatever they want to about tall guys, “You tall bastard. “You tall motherfucker. “I hope your head hits an air-conditioning vent. “I hope Bin Laden flies a plane into your lips.” But tall guys can’t talk about short guys. That’s just mean. “Look at these midget motherfuckers. “Fee fie foe fum!” Like poor people can talk about rich people all day long. Poor people can say whatever they want to about rich people, “You fucking rich bastard. “I hope your yacht hits an iceberg in the summer. “Fucking ice… I hope your Picasso falls off the wall and kills your mother. “You fucking rich bastard.” But rich people can’t talk about poor people. That’s just mean. It’s like, “Look at these broke bastards. “Perhaps we should raise the prices so we don’t have to see these people again. “Is that a Hyundai? “With cloth interior. Ooh!” Yes, man. That’s right. You gotta watch what you say. Even some black people have to watch what they say. Even some black people. What’s my man on Grey’s Anatomy? Got fired. Got fired for calling somebody a f a g g o t. Yeah, we live in a crazy time. You gotta watch what you say, baby. Between the internet and all these shows, say the wrong thing, your career is over. But here’s the crazy thing, man, it’s not about the words sometimes, man. It ain’t about the words, all bad words ain’t bad. Sometimes it’s about the context in which the word is said. It’s not always the word, it’s the context in which the word is said. You know, depending on what you’re talking about, you say, “You the finest bitch I ever seen.” That’s a compliment. It ain’t the word! It’s the context in which the word is being said. So my man on Grey’s Anatomy, it ain’t that he called somebody a f a g g o t, it’s like, how did he say “f a g g o t”? How did he say it? Did he come in early one day and go, “Morning, f a g g o t”? Cos if he did that, he should be fired. But how did he say it? Was he having a fight with this person? Was he having an argument? Do they have a relationship of some sort? How did he say it? And here’s the other thing, if they was having a fight, well, I just think personally, if you having a fight with somebody, you should be able to say whatever you think is gonna hurt this person the most. What, I gotta be politically correct and mad at the same time? Like if I’m driving and somebody crashes into me, and they got one leg, I’m a talk about the leg. “Hey, you one-legged bastard, no wonder you can’t brake. “I hope you got some two-legged insurance.” But how did he say “f a g g o t”? Now here’s the real question nobody wants to ask. What if the person that he called a f a g g o t… was acting like a f a g g o t? I’m not trying to disrespect any gay people. I have gay friends. I know I have gay fans. I know some of y’all are here tonight. I just want to say… thanks for the money. I’m all for gay rights. I hope you get the right to get married and buy cereal and… whatever you being denied, I hope you get it cos I think gay fans are some of the best fans to have cos they can buy tickets faster than anybody. You know why? Cos they don’t have any fucking kids, that’s why. You never see no gay homeless people. There’s no gay homeless people and there’s no Asian homeless people. That’s just the homeless rules. The homeless discriminate. Yes, they do. You’d think they would be more understanding. But where was I? What if the person that he called a f a g g o t was acting like a f a g g o t? Cos you don’t have to be gay to act like a f a g g o t. You don’t even have to be a man to act like a f a g g o t. Anybody can act like a f a g g o t. Let me give you an example. I love Gwen Stefani. I think No Doubt is one of the best groups in the world. I keep a No Doubt CD in my car. And I sing that shit to the end, I’m like… I won’t even get out my car until the shit’s over. I’m like… I fucking love me some Gwen Stefani, right? Now if I’m driving my car and I’m at the light, and you’re in the car behind me, and the light’s red, and I’m blasting some Gwen Stefani and I’m like… And you’re in the car behind me and the light’s red, cool. But then the light turns green. And I don’t see it cos I’m in Gwen Stefani heaven. And I’m just goin’… Now the light starts fucking blinking. It’s getting ready to turn red again! And I still don’t see it! And I’m in my car going… Now if you’re in the car behind me and that light’s getting ready to turn red, and I’m going… If you’re in that car behind me, you have the right to go, “Hey, f a g g o t, the light’s about to change!” Shit, even Elton John would call me a f a g g o t… at that moment. It’s not the word, it’s the context in which the word is being said. That’s what’s going on. It ain’t the word, it’s the context. Now, speaking of words, now they’re trying to get rid of the word “n i g g e r”. Trying to get rid of my beloved “n i g g e r”. Shit. Last year, the NAACP had a funeral for the word “n i g g e r”. Well, tonight is Easter. Shit. That’s right. Whenever the word “n i g g e r” is spoken, it is always followed by the same question – “Can white people say n i g g e r?” And the correct answer is… not really. You have to check with your n i g g e r consulate, talk to your n i g g e r representative, and they will tell you the n i g g e r rules where you are at that particular time. We live in a crazy time where Dr King and Mr Mandela’s dreams are coming true. Black and white people and Asians, Indians, and everybody’s hanging out together. Interracial posses. It’s unbelievable what’s going on, man. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It’s unbelieva… All my black friends have a bunch of white friends. And all my white friends have one black friend. Yeah, man. But if you are in an interracial posse, you have to figure out, you know, what are the rules of the interracial posse? What are the Dr Dre rules of your crew? That’s right, cos, you know, what are the Dr Dre rules? What are the rules when a Dr Dre song comes on the radio or plays at a club? What is the procedure that goes into effect? Cos sometimes I’m with my white friends and a Dr Dre song will come on. And there’s a lot of “n i g g e r s” in a Dr Dre song. And they want to enjoy it, but they can’t really enjoy it around me. So they start taking out the “n i g g e r s” or mumbling the “n i g g e r s”. And that’s just a sad sight to see. It’s just sad to see some white person trying to do a n i g g e rless rendition of a Dr Dre song. It’s just fucking depressing. They’re trying to rap along without saying “n i g g e r” and they’re like… I don’t know what the fuck to say. But I know when I’m not there, shit, they lean into that shit. “He’s not here. Turn it up!” They’re like… …On his back! And kill him! I hate n i g g e r s! “Say, hey, man, that’s not even in the song.” “I got a little carried away. Sorry about that. “They should put it in. They really should.” Don’t worry, white people, get your Dre on. Get your Dre on, get your J on, get your Kanye on. It’s all right, it’s all good. It’s gotta be in the song, though. It’s gotta be in the song. It’s got to be in the song. So the question remains the same, can white people say “n i g g e r”? And the answer is the same. Not really. There’s some exceptions, like, “Fuck me harder, n i g g e r.” A lot of white women trying not to laugh in front of their husbands right now. “Honey, I was in college. “I had to see what it was about. “He made me say it.” But the question remains the same, can white people say “n i g g e r”? And the answer’s the same – not really. But wait a minute. There’s one exception. There’s one exception. There’s one instance where white people can say “n i g g e r”. And I’m a let it out tonight. I’m a let it out here in Johannesburg. The one time that white people can say “n i g g e r”… The white people are like, “This is what I paid for. “It’s a fucking great night now.” The one time white people can say “n i g g e r”… Here goes. Listen closely, cos I may never say this shit again. The one time white people can say “n i g g e r”… OK. If it’s Christmas Eve and it’s between 4:30 and 4:49 in the morning, if you white, and you on your way to Toys R Us to get your kid the last Transformer doll, and right before you walk into Toys R Us, some black person runs up beside you, smacks you in the head with a brick, knocks you to the ground, stomps you in the face, “Take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker, “take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker, motherfucker. Take that.” Riverdances on your head, “Take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker, cracker-ass motherfucker, “take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker,” Takes your money, pisses on you… and runs away. If you white, at that moment, you can say, “Somebody stop that n i g g e r!” As a matter of fact, if you white and that happens to you, you can say “n i g g e r” for a whole month. But you got to walk around with the police report in your pocket. In case any black people catch you saying “n i g g e r”, the police report will act as your freedom papers. “I heard you saying ‘n i g g e r’. Let me see your fucking papers. “Give me the papers! Show me the papers!” “Christmas Eve. “4:48. “You just made it, motherfucker. “Pissed on you! “I hope they catch that n i g g e r.” Oh, man. Having a good time up here, man. Good time up here. Apollo. Apollo! Up here working. Up here working. I’m up here trying to do my thing. This ain’t really work, though. This is not really work. This is my career. It’s not really a job, this is my career. You know, some people have jobs, some people have careers. Some of y’all in the audience, some of y’all got jobs, some of you have careers. Now the people in the audience with careers need to learn to shut the fuck up when you’re around people with jobs. Cos they don’t want to hear your career bullshit. Keep that shit to yourself. OK? Don’t let your happiness make somebody sad. Cos that’s what it does. No, no, man. But I used to work. I used to have a job. I used to work at a Red Lobster, I used to work at Red Lobster in Queens Boulevard. I was… Oh, I served you? Good, good. No, no, I was a dishwasher. I used to scrape shrimp in the garbage cans then load up the dishwasher. And that was my real job. I never got a raise, I never got a promotion. They kept me in the back. They kept me back there cos I had really fucked-up teeth and they didn’t want people to think that shrimp fucked up your teeth. And that’s what they do at restaurants, they put the ugliest people in the back. So if you don’t like the people in the front, you don’t want to see the people in the back. And that was my real job. I wasn’t working my way through school, or in telling jokes, that was my life. 1989, I was scraping shrimp. OK? And people go, “Chris, how’d you end up like that? “How the fuck did that happen to you? Minimum-wage job?” I’ll tell you exactly how that happened. I dropped out of school in the 10th grade. Dropped out in the 10th grade, which is the dumbest thing you could ever fucking do. You know why? Cos when you drop out in the 10th grade, you really might as well have dropped out in the second grade. Why? Cos you qualified for the exact same jobs. Matter of fact, the person that dropped out in the second grade is more qualified cos they have eight years of work experience. Yeah, man. I used to scrape those fucking shrimp, man. It used to kill me. But I’ll tell you, now I have a career. I’ve been blessed with a career. So if you’ve got a career, thank God. If you’ve got a job, I hope you get a career one day. That’s right. Cos when you got a career, there ain’t enough time in the day. There ain’t enough time! You got a career, you look at your watch, time just flies like, “God damn, whoa. It’s 5:35. “Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project.” Cos there ain’t enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there’s too much time. That’s right. You look at your watch like, “Aw, shit, 9:08.” You don’t even trust the time when you got a job. You’re like, “What time you got? What time you got? “What time you got? What time you got? “9:15?” Whoever got the latest time is the right time. “He got the right time. He got the right time.” You ever play the time game with yourself at work? You ever play the time game where you go, “I’m not gonna look at my watch for two hours. “That’s right. I’m a sit here and scrape these shrimp.” Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape. “OK, an hour’s passed. “Maybe I should look… “and feel good. “No, fuck that. I’m a wait a whole another hour.” Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape. “All right, two hours passed. “Time to look and feel good about myself.” And you look. “Fuck! 15 minutes.” You ever been so miserable at work that you spend extra time just sitting on the toilet? You don’t even have your pants down, you’re just like… “I hate this fucking job. “I hate it!” People around you taking smelly shits. That don’t even faze you. You’re like, “I don’t give a fuck. “You keep shittin’ cos I ain’t quitting.” You know how you can tell you got a real bad job? When they give you that half-hour lunch break. Whoo! There’s nothing worse than a half-hour lunch break to a grown person. “Why don’t you just get a little spoon and give me some apple sauce while you’re at it?” A half-hour lunch break. By the time you put on your jacket, walk around the corner, go to the sandwich spot, order a sandwich, wait for them to make it, then get in another line to pay for it, 28 minutes have passed. Now you rushing back to work, you’re eating your sandwich, spilling beer down your shirt. When you get in, your boss got the nerve to go, “Hey, you’re eight minutes late.” “Fuck you!” Do you realise even criminals in jail get an hour lunch break? Like, “Can I at least eat like a murderer? “I bet if I shot your ass, I could finish this sandwich.” But you gotta work. Gotta work. We all gotta work. We all gotta work. Why? We spend money on things we used to get for free. We spend money on things we used to get for free like… water. You could still get free water, but nobody does it. That’s right, we spend money on water, buying bottled fucking water. Do you know how many people on earth right now are dying of thirst? How many people walk 10 and 20 miles to get some fresh water? And we so fucking spoiled, we buy bottled water. Do you know what it means if you buy bottled water? That means you only use tap water on your ass. And you wonder why people want to blow us the fuck up. We got ass water, that’s why. They dying of thirst, we be like, “I gotta wash my ass. I gotta wash it.” Fuck, man. You know why they call it tap water? Cos you just tap it on your nuts, that’s why. Man. Bottled water, man. You know the craziest thing we spend money on? The craziest thing… We all done it. You done it. I done it. We all done it. The craziest thing we spend money on… ringtones. The phone used to ring for free. But “bring-bring” just wasn’t good enough for some of y’all. “I need a ring that expresses who I am. “I need to hear SexyBack when my phone rings.” And now they got us. Now they got us. We gonna have ringtones for the rest of our lives. People, “No, we’re not.” Oh yes, we are. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going to happen in this crazy George Bush deregulated world we live in. Here’s what’s going to happen… The phone company is going to buy the ringtone company and then they gonna start selling us phones that don’t fucking ring. They gonna make you buy a ringtone or else you’re gonna have to guess when your phone is ringing. “Hello? Hello? “Hello? Hello? I pick it up every four minutes just in case. “Hello? Hello? “Damn, I need to buy SexyBack.” But you gotta get your money right. You got to get your money right. Men, you must get your money right. Men, you hear me? You have to get your money right. It’s important for men to get their money right. Women, it’s important for you to get your money right, but not as important as it is for us. Why, women? Cos no one will ever not fuck you cos you’re broke. Your pussy will never be turned down for financial reasons. It ain’t gonna happen. That’s right. Pussy’s like Visa, accepted everywhere. That’s right. Next time you don’t got no cash, go, “Do you take pussy?” “Of course we take pussy. “Who doesn’t take pussy? “How much pussy you got?” Shit. Brother, I love being a man, but I just wish I had a pussy. I really do. I wish I had a pussy just for negotiation purposes. Just so when I’m negotiating a deal, I could put that motherfucker on the table, “What about now?” “It’s a deal.” Yeah, man. It’s hard being a man today. Hard being a man today. Why’s it so hard to be a man? Cos nobody cares about men. Nobody gives a fuck about men. You see a homeless man on the street with a dog, you feel sorry for the dog. Say, “We got to get that dog some food.” “What about the man?” “Oh, fuck him.” Say, every night on TV, I see there’s a new missing woman. “We gotta find Carole. Where’s Carole? “We must find Carole. Carole didn’t come home last night. “Where the fuck is Carole?” I never seen one of these things for a missing man yet. It’s like, “Bob didn’t come home last night.” “Good. “I hope he never comes home. “Probably out fucking Carole somewhere.” That’s right, hard being a man today. Why’s it so hard being a man? Cos you got to deal with today’s woman. Today’s woman. And today’s woman is a hard one to deal with, boy. What’s the show all the women watch today? Desperate Housewives. Desperate Housewives. Bunch of women living in nice houses. Some of them don’t even work. They all cheat on their husbands. They need to change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives to Ungrateful Bitches. Every week, they fuck the pool boy, the gardener, and he can fuck real good too. You know why? Cos he don’t have a full-time job, that’s why. Shit, I could fuck that good too if I had an extra eight hours to work on my stroke. You know what? I’m not even that good in bed. I don’t give a fuck. My bills are paid. “You better let this security make your titties tingle.” Shit. I have never knocked out the pussy in my life. I’ve never knocked out the pussy in my life. I’ve won by decision. That’s right. Two out of every five times I fuck you is good. Two out of five. Them other three are horrible. But just when you’re ready to pack your shit, I give you a good one. “Where’d that come from?” “Viagra.” That’s right, man. What do women want? What the fuck do women want? Everything. Everything. Everything. All around the world, it’s the same answer – everything, everything, everything. That’s right, man. Only women could get away with that answer. Nobody else is allowed to say “everything”. When a man wants something, he goes, “Damn, I want that. “I want it bad. I got to figure out what I got to do to get that.” When a woman wants something, she goes, “Damn, I want that. I want it bad. “I gotta figure out who I could get to get me that.” Big differences, man. Women want a lot, man. Women want you to get on one knee and go, “I love you more than anything else in the world, “I think you’re the most beautiful, intelligent creature on earth, “and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.” But we ain’t saying that. We’re not saying that unless we really fucked up bad! We gonna keep that one in our back pocket. We’re not gonna just break it out on a Tuesday. Ladies, if you ever hear a man talking that shit, he might have fucked your sister. OK? Ladies, do you know what the most romantic words a man could say to you? The most romantic words a man will ever say to you are these words… “I ain’t going nowhere.” It don’t get no more romantic than… “I ain’t going nowhere.” You know why? Cos when a man says, “I ain’t going nowhere,” what he’s trying to tell you is, “I’ve actually thought about going somewhere. “I talked to a lawyer. I looked at a place. “And I realised I’m gonna go through this same shit with the next girl, “so why not just stay here and be miserable with you?” “I ain’t going nowhere.” You in there. So much difference between men and women, man. One of the biggest differences between men and women, men are actually happy when women go out with their girlfriends and have a good time. When you go out with your girlfriends and have a good time, we’re happy for you. You come home and go, “Me and my girlfriends are gonna see Sex And The City.” We’re like, “Great! Now I don’t have to take you to see that shit.” “Why don’t you go see Mamma Mia while you’re at it?” And you go see it and you come back, you’re like, “Sex And The City was so good. “You shoulda saw the wedding! “Carrie got married to Big. I can’t believe it!” And we’re fucking happy for you. We’re happy for you. But it don’t work the other way around. Women never want us to have a good time. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Fellas, if your woman come home from work and you got a smile on your face that she didn’t put there, she gets suspicious. “What the fuck you smiling about? “I ain’t fucked you in three weeks. What the fuck you smiling about?” That’s right, fellas, when you go out with your boys and your woman says, “How was it?” Just go, “It was all right.” Cos if you go beyond “all right”, you gonna be in a fight. You can’t be like, “Baby, it was unbelievable. “I had the best time of my life. “A-Rod hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth. “I couldn’t believe it!” Watch what happens the next day. You waitin’ for your food. No fucking food. “Baby, what’s up with the food?” “Why don’t you tell A-Rod to cook you some? “Your fuckin’ boyfriend, A-Rod.” Yeah, man, women want it all. So many fucking differences. A lot of dates tonight. A lot of dates. A lot of men took women out tonight they haven’t even fucked yet. Say, “I’m gonna take her to see Chris Rock. “I’m gonna close this deal with some Chris Rock tickets.” Yeah. Yeah. 10% of that pussy is mine. Save me a lick or something, OK? Every man in here that’s with a woman he hasn’t fucked yet, is all thinking the same thing… “When do I whip it out? “Do I just shove her hand down there when we kiss good night “and watch her move it like she got cerebral palsy or some shit? “Do I put it on a tray like an appetiser? “Sprinkle some parsley around there? “‘Bone appetit! ‘ “How should the lighting be? “Should I put some Vaseline or some lotion on it?” Can’t just whip out an ashy dick, right? And then once you whip it out, there’s always the chance that the woman goes, “Could you put that back? “Could you put that?” Shit, you know how hard it is to get a dick back in the pants? A fucking black dick? God damn! What the fuck? Your dick is out there on a false alarm. Then your dick looks up at you like, “What the fuck was you thinking? “Got me out here for this bullshit.” That never happens to women. Women never whip out a titty and hear, “Hey, put that titty back. “If I’d known you was whipping out titties, I wouldn’t have come upstairs. “Put the titty back. “Are we gonna watch this movie or what?” The other fucked-up thing is, guys, once we whip it out, we never know what we got. We never know if it’s big or not, cos women lie to us about our dicks so much, we don’t know what the fuck we got. Cos when a woman’s in love, your dick’s huge. And the more they hate you, the smaller your fucking dick gets. So you don’t know what the fuck you got. You all disillusioned. Your shit is bigger and smaller. You don’t know what you got. You walking around with the big-dick walk with the little dick and shit. Walking like this… when you should be walking like this… We don’t know what the fuck we got. I don’t know what I got. I mean, I’m lucky. I’m skinny, so I got a little backdrop. And everything looks bigger against a little backdrop. Like if you wide, it looks like your dick’s at sea and shit. I don’t know what the fuck I got. But you know how you can tell if a woman think you got a big dick? You know how you can tell if a woman think you got a big dick? After you whip it out, she just starts looking at it. And then she says under her breath, “Hello.” That’s the universal big-dick greeting. Like, “Hey, hey, welcome to Pussonia. “We got a lot of work for you.” Men and women, so many fucking… differences between men and women, man. So many fucking differences. The biggest difference between men and women, one of the biggest differences, men cannot go backwards sexually. Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can’t fucking do it. Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. They can’t do it. That’s right. They can’t do it. I don’t care… The best woman can’t fucking do it. Can’t fucking do it. They can’t do it, can’t do it. Fellas, you ever gone through some hard times with your woman? You lose your job or something? Your woman tries to console you, “Hey, baby, don’t worry. We gonna get through this. “I know we got bills, but if we gotta get rid of some shit, we will get rid of some of this shit.” She’s talking about you. Can’t do it. Fellas, if you lose your job, you gonna lose your woman. That’s right. She may not leave the day you lose it, but the countdown has begun. Women can’t do it. Ladies, remember the first time you ever dated a guy with his own car? Remember that shit? You was leaving the club, your girlfriends got on the bus, you were like, “Bye, bitches. “I’ll see y’all later. “I’m getting in this warm-ass car.” And from that moment on, you were like, “You better have a car. “You ain’t getting this pussy without a car. “I am not getting on the fucking bus in February. Fuck that.” And that’s how the fuck you roll for the rest of your life. Ladies, remember the first time you ever dated a guy with his own apartment? You got in there, you were comfortable, you were like, “I could really enjoy getting fucked in here. “I can scream and holler and break shit, “yell instructions. “I will never fuck in nobody’s mama’s house again.” And you never did. You never fucking did. Ladies, remember the first time you ever had a man take you on vacation? Say, “Whoo! This is great.” And from that moment on, every man you dated had to take you somewhere. You let ’em know as soon as you met ’em, “Hey, this is passport pussy. “If you think you can handle this pussy in one time zone, you are out of your fucking mind.” And women love to tell you how much better the pussy gonna get when you get to the destination. “You ain’t got nothing yet. Wait till we get to Jamaica.” You get to Jamaica, it’s the same pussy you had in Johannesburg, in London, in Brooklyn. Only difference is now it’s got a little bit of sand in it. And the crazy thing, the crazy thing, women love to tell you… Women got their own money now. Women have their own fucking money now. And women are like, “Hey…” Women are like, “Hey, if you don’t take me on a nice vacation, “I’m a find me a cute guy and I’m a pay for shit.” But that only lasts for like 30 days. Cos women don’t like paying for shit. That’s right – pussy costs money, dick is free. Any money you spend on dick is a bad investment. Cos when it comes to women and money, I’ll tell you right now, nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There is something about a woman reaching for her wallet that just dries up the vagina. It’s almost like the wallet is sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy of getting wet for. And later on, when you go to the gynaecologist, he’s like, “Oh, my God, you’ve been paying for shit. “Another $500, you gonna be in menopause.” Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Men cannot go backwards sexually. Can’t do it. Once we get the sex we like, that’s how the fuck we roll. We get stubborn in our old age. We’re like, “I like my coffee like this, “I like my steak like this and I like to fuck like this. “And if you ain’t fucking like I’m fucking, then get the fuck out.” Ladies, don’t get mad at us. Don’t get mad at us. Get mad at our ex-girlfriend. She’s the one that spoiled it for everybody. The ex-girlfriend that did everything, she fucked it up for everybody. Call up one day, you’re like, “You did what? You licked his ass? “Now he want everybody to lick his ass. Thanks a lot, bitch.” That’s right. Ladies, your man is nastier than you ever imagined. Your man has been watching porno since he was 12 years old. He has pornographic images in his head and he wants to relive some of this shit before he drops dead. That’s right, ladies. Get up on it. Get up on it. Listen to what the fuck I’m about to say, OK? Just because he came don’t mean you made him come. Did you hear what the fuck I just said? Just because he came does not mean you made him come. Every man in this room got two levels of come. Every man in here got two levels of come. And level one comes out easy, it comes out like ketchup, “Drip, drip, drip, drip, “drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip…” Just say “come” and it comes out. “Drip, drip, drip, drip.” But level two? If we got a woman doing the precise nasty shit we like, wearing the nasty shit we want her to wear, saying the nasty shit we want her to say, it will shoot out like a civil rights hose… “Free at last! Free at last!” It’ll take a fucking eye out. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, that’s right, that’s why you got to be very careful about what you introduce in bed. Ain’t no such thing as one time when it comes to sex, cos if we like it, it’s on the menu. That’s right. You got to be very careful. You can’t be like, “Ooh, I’m a wear high heels tomorrow.” No, you gonna wear high heels every day. If I ever see the bottom of your feet again, this relationship is over. Like, “Ooh, I’m a do a girl for your birthday.” No, you gonna do a girl every day. You better get some bunk beds in this motherfucker. Shit, I remember the first time I ever had a girl suck the come out of my dick and swallow. Oh! That felt so good, I could read Arabic. I was breaking down the Da Vinci code. And right then, I said, “Spitters are quitters. “Spitters are quitters!” There are a lot of women in here grossed out, “Come in the mouth? That’s fucking disgusting. “You always want to come in my fucking mouth. “Get the fuck out. You better call that ass-licking girl. “You are not coming in my mouth. Fuck that.” Yeah, half the women in here are grossed out, and the other half are in loving relationships. I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you! Awesome. Chris fucking rocks. It was brilliant. My cheeks are actually hurting me now. Chris rocks! – It was awesome. – Excellent. It was excellent. The best show I have ever seen. Fabulous. He was great. He come over from the States, he come to the UK, he was the top dog. He’s the fucking… He is the man. He is the man. I want to marry you, Rock. Will you marry me? No, it was excellent. It was great. We had a great time. Amazing, brother. Amazing. Humbled. Do it again. Come back again. – Awesome. – Fantastic. Best show ever, yeah. Very good. Very, very, very good. Don’t need antidepressant any more after listening to him. It was wicked, man. I haven’t laughed non-stop like that in ages. – It was wicked. – It was awesome. – Chris, you rock. – We love you! Chris Rock, man, rocked. – Brilliant. – Chris Rock is amazing. It was wicked, man. Really funny. Awesome! Fabulous. Fantastic. – Fantastico! – Great. Hilarious. Awesome. Awesome. My cheeks are sore. Brilliant, brilliant. It was brilliant. Fantastic. – It was sick. He was crazy. – Awesome. – Excellent. – Fantastic. – Great. – Great. It was great. It was brilliant. Really good. – Fantastic. Awesome. – Perfect, perfect, perfect. I love you, Chris Rock. You rock! You rock! It was absolutely fantastic. Chris Rock’s a beast, man! – He is crazy! – He’s wicked. Pretty sweet. – It was fantastic. – Excellent. Yeah. Lived up to his reputation. He was great. – Brilliant. – Funny. He was brilliant. Come back again, Chris. – Chris Rock rocks! – He rocks! He’s the best. We’re all in happier relationships.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

PATTON OSWALT: ANNIHILATION (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-annihilation-2017-full-transcript/

Comedian Patton Oswalt returns to Netflix with “Patton Oswalt: Annihilation.” The deeply personal and powerful stand-up special dives into the last year of Patton’s life, following the passing of his wife, and how he worked through the pain and grief by finding humor. Oswalt also explores topics including the angst of social media, the current political climate and being tricked by robocalls. Filmed at Chicago’s Athenaeum Theatre. Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt. Thank you. Okay, guys, please. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Oh, thank you! Thank you. Thank you all. Please! Oh, dear God in heaven! Thank you for that. Wow! Um… Thank you guys for coming out and being so enthusiastic and… happy about, like… um… I’m genuinely… I’m genuinely surprised that you’re in such a good mood, especially with what… I’m sure you guys saw what just went down on Twitter five minutes ago. Did you… You didn’t see? The… No? I’m kidding. Nothing happened. But that’s the world we’re living in right now basically is every… “Oh, fuck, what did he do? What? Wait. What do you mean?” I almost feel like I could get out of a mugging using that for the next couple of years. Like if someone put a gun in my face, “Give me your wallet.” “You know what, take my keys, man. It’s over. Go check Twitter.” “What?” I just bolt. Like I could… make it… to survive. Because that was… My routine in the morning is, uh, the alarm goes off on my phone, I get up. Have I had any calls, any texts? Okay. I check e-mail, then I check Twitter. And now my feet are on the ground and I can start my day. And now the routine’s the same, except the alarm goes off. Okay, any calls, any texts? All right. Check e-mail. But I check Twitter like this now, “Oh, shit! Oh, what did he do? What did he do?” And no matter what is trending, I immediately link it to Trump and it’s bad, like, in my head. Like if puppies are trending, I’m like, “He killed all the puppies. There’s no puppies. They’re all dead. He killed every puppy. Somehow he managed to kill every… “ How hard did your rectum cinch up when… Remember a couple months ago when “Korean peninsula” started trending? And you’re like, “The fuck is that?” By the way, when I saw that, I didn’t even go directly to nuclear war in my head. In my head, I’m like, “Oh, God, he went on TV and went… ” And I was like, “Oh, God. Oh!” Like, he was… trying to describe an episode of MASH he had just watched. And then like… now missiles are flying, or something. I don’t know, but… Fuck. Look at this shit. Look at this! Look at th… I started off this year… I was focused. I was gonna get fit. I was gonna work out every day. I was gonna cut down on sugars. And for the first 19 days of this year… I was on it. I was committed. And then January 20 rolled around, that inauguration came, “Fuck it. No, I don’t give a shit.” “Ice cream for breakfast, that’s… ” I wonder how many Alcoholics Anonymous chips went sailing across ponds when that… when… When, like… When Trump hand hit the Bible, there was just, all over the country, “See you in four years.” Whoosh! Eight! Nice. All right. I think that’s one of the reasons people don’t like Trump so much, is that he really has shoved our faces, very hard, into how not evolved and progressive we are as a country, as we like to tell ourselves. I think there was maybe a little bit too much back-patting after we elected Obama twice. There was a little bit too much, “You’re welcome, Earth. Yeah, that’s right, we, uh, we’re pretty amazing. It’s America 2008. We’re, uh, on the vanguard. That’s right. Yeah, you’re welcome. Pretty good. Pretty amazing.” And then after eight years of Obama, it was time to elect either a very qualified woman or a racist scrotum dipped in Cheeto dust. And… the country said, “Ah, see what the scrotum has to say. I don’t know. Maybe he’s… something kind of new.” We couldn’t go from black guy to woman. It was just too much of a jump. Going from Obama to Hillary for us, I think what it is is imagine going skydiving for the first time and your feet hit the ground, your heart is thumping, all that adrenaline. And someone just runs up and says, “Hey, let’s go bungee jumping right now.” You’re like, “I need to just sit on the couch for, like, a week and eat Triscuits and watch X-Files reruns. I can’t just go right to fucking bungee jumping.” That’s what… Trump is our sitting on the couch, watching X-Files after. Because clearly a big part of the country while Obama was president was internally going, “Black guy!” So, they needed this racist palate cleanser, if you will. This cup of white supremacist sorbet. And by the way, we will have a woman president, probably sooner than later. But keep… Guys. Guys. Guys! Easy. No! We will have a woman president. But just keep in mind that after she serves her term, the choices will very probably be a very qualified gay guy and then a KKK dude with the ass cut out of his jeans and… The country’s gonna go, “Let’s see what the KKK guy… I don’t know. Maybe he has… some ideas. I’d love to hear them. I mean, his ass is hanging out. That’s fresh. I never… saw that before, right?” I empathize with Trump. I don’t sympathize with him, but I get it. I understand his origin story. I know why he’s got this job. You know it too. He went to the Correspondents’ Dinner. Obama made fun of him, and he sat there and said, “No. I’m taking your job. Fuck that. You don’t make fun of me.” And then he spent $40 million and broke his ass for a year. Now he’s got the job and the job sucks. He… He did it out of spite. I’ve done so many dumbass things out of spite just to piss someone else off. I’m like, “I don’t fucking wanna do this shit.” So I get it. And especially because his life before the presidency was amazing. It was amazing. It was jets and golf and hookers. It was just nonstop fun. And now he’s got to sit and talk to the trade minister of Luxembourg. I get it. Trump becoming president because Obama made fun of him, that would be like, imagine if… the head of linguistics at Rutgers made fun of David Lee Roth. And then… David Lee Roth is like, “I’m gonna take your job. Zibbity, bobbity, boop.” And then he, like, spends a year and all this money… gets the job, goes cartwheeling into the linguistics department. “Yeah, head of linguistics, everybody. Diamond Dave! Bring out the coke and the hookers.” Then the guy’s like, “Oh, no, we’re gonna be talking about the lack of recursion in 16th-century Germanic poetry.” Dave’s like, “I… ” “No? Nothing? That’s not how… Okay, that’s fine. That’s great.” And that’s it for the Trump material. That’s all… because look, I could… And by the way, people that tell me, “You comedians must be so happy. Trump is president. It’s just all this free material.” You know what, yes, there’s a lot of material, but there’s too fucking much. It’s exhausting. Being a comedian while Trump is president is like, imagine there’s an insane man on the sidewalk just shitting on the sidewalk and yelling about Hitler and… So you’re looking at him and immediately think of the funniest joke about shitting on the sidewalk and yelling. You turn to tell it to a bunch of people and then behind you, he’s taken the shit and made a sombrero out of it. So, you turn and you tell your amazing shitting-on-the-sidewalk joke, and everyone goes, “Oh, no, that was… Dude, turn around. He made a sombrero out of it. Do a sombrero joke.” Oh, fuck! I can make fun of shit he did the last couple of days. By the time this thing airs, you guys are gonna be going, “Wait. What? What was that again? ‘Cause he took his dick out when they lit the Christmas tree. I don’t know why you’re talking about… Oh, yeah, the Paris thing. Well, I totally forgot about that. Yeah.” Fucking Donald Trump is sour cream in the sauna. There’s no, like… “Shit! Oh, fuck, I gotta… “ Thankfully, Trump put some light on a huge issue that’s facing this country though. Huge issue that we’ve got to… we’ve got to do something about. You know what I’m talking about, of course… white genocide. That’s right. Oh, yeah. It’s real, folks. Look. White people, we used to be in charge of, like, 99.9 percent of shit. And in the recent years, that number has plummeted to 96.4 percent. We are on the way out. And thank God, Trump gave voice to these embattled white people. How ballsy do you have to be as a white person to use the term “white genocide”? That… Especially if you’re talking to, like, someone who’s Jewish or Native American or African American. And you’re like, “Oh, hey, I totally get it now, dude. I get it. Yeah. No, like I used to watch Schindler’s List, and that’s a great movie, but I could never completely relate to it. Like, I’m only… But then The Force Awakens came out. And there was a black storm trooper, I’m like, ‘Holy shit.’ I totally understand Auschwitz now. I get it. I totally get it. Yeah, man, when that guy… When he took his helmet off and it was a black guy, I’m like, That was our Trail of Tears, right there. When that helmet came off. My God, dude, I’m fucking with you, man.” “Gotta keep the races pure!” Oh, I hope they don’t use that out of context in the promo. That would be really weird. Putting that one… Patton Oswalt’s got a new Netflix special. Gotta keep the races pure. Tune in this… September. You’re gonna wanna binge this one. It’s a terrible segue. People are still obsessed with pure races. Which, by the way, there were pure races for ten minutes when the earth cooled, that’s when we had pure races. And then everyone just started fucking each other, and now we are what we are now. And by the way, have you ever met someone who’s really Caucasian? Or mega Asian? Or super African? It’s creepy. Pure races are like, “Oh, God, one of you guys fuck a Mexican, because this is way too much. The black, white and yellow, I just think penguin. Get some earth tones in there. Something! Aah!” There’s even a thing you can do. I’ve done this. It’s called, um, 23andMe. 23andMe is this company, and what you do is you spit in a cup, and then you mail the cup to some nerds, and then they look at it under… they spin it and look at it under the microscope. And then they send you back a map of the world with all of your DNA markers on it, show you where all your DNA came from. So, I did it. Send in my cup, get back my map. I unfold it. I’m looking at it, and I got all the pasty countries covered. I had every one… There’s Ireland and Sweden and England. I got it. Then I had a huge spike in Mongolia. How many years was my dad in Vietnam? Hmm? They have an 800 number. Call them and they’ll go over your map with you. I called them up and said, “I got my map. And yeah, there’s all the pasty countries. And, uh, hey, what’s with Mongolia? What’s the deal with my Mongolian DNA?” And the guy on the phone didn’t even pause, he immediately said, “Yeah, that’s Genghis Khan.” Sorry. What? He goes, “You’re related to Genghis Khan. Most people are related to Genghis Khan.” I go, “You serious?” He goes, “Dude, Genghis Khan fucked everything.” “There are trees that are related to Genghis Khan. That’s all he did was fuck.” And that must have been some amazing cum in Genghis Khan’s balls, because not only was he in tight, leather-skin pants that do not breathe, like sperm-killing heat, then put him on a saddle for ten hours a day. The saddle just crushing his nuts. Bam, boom, bam, bam! Then he would take over a village and get off the horse, “Hey, everyone, look, really quick. I’m Genghis Khan. Before we go further, it’ll take 10 minutes, I’m gonna fuck everybody. That’s what I do. I fuck everybody. I’m really good.” His cum’s like, “Why are we still talking? Let’s make babies. Let’s do it.” If I send a text near my nutsack, my bloodline is done. I have the weakest… “I don’t know why you added that Emoji, Patton. We can’t. There’s no way. You cannot pass along your information, my friend.” I’m a terrible candidate for defending the white race, so please don’t recruit me, Nazis. I’m a terrible fighter. I’ve been… I realize I’ve been in fights, but only as a featured extra. Like I’ve never actually “participated.” It was less of a conversation and more of a lecture, if you know what I mean. Just no reach, no punch. Even when I watch, like, when a fight is going on, I get tensed up. I’m the guy… I’m never the guy going in going, “Hey, stop this. What are you guys, nuts?” I’m the guy at the edge of the crowd… No fighting skill. I’ve seen one genuinely great fight in my life that actually inspired me and encouraged me and gave me hope for us as a species. Um, this was way back in 2000. I was… It was Christmastime, and I was drinking at a bar above the Roxy on Sunset Boulevard. There’s a bar above it, it’s called On the Rox. Get it? ‘Cause it’s on top… So, um… There’s all these office parties up there. Everyone’s getting plastered. And then below us in the Roxy, there’s a rock show going on. And everyone’s doing drugs and drinking. And then next door is the Rainbow Bar and Grill, a big heavy metal, headbanger bar, and they’re all getting wasted. And then 2:00 a.m. rolls around, “Everyone out in the parking lot. Get your cars. Bar’s closed.” So all three venues let out at the same time. Drunk office workers, drunk metal heads, drunk concert goers, all in a big drunken blob at 2:00 a.m. on Sunset Strip. So there’s a group of people, all in suits, clearly an office party. They’re waiting at valet to get their car, and one of the members of their group was this black guy who was 5’3″, and I can’t stress this enough, really wide. Just this round, roly-poly butterball, with a big, chubby, round face and his little fat chubby hands. He’s got a big cigar in his hand. He’s talking with his friends about stuff. And there they are chatting. Then out of the Rainbow Bar and Grill come these two big dudes. Good-looking dudes. Muscular dudes. Wearing suits, got the collar open, showing off the chest. One of the guy’s got a cowboy hat on and cowboy boots. The other guy’s Middle Eastern, got a gold chain. They look good. They had clearly gone out to get some pussy that night and no pussy had been got. And you could see the vibe coming off of them, which was, “We are gonna start a fight. I wanted… My skin’s gonna hit skin at one velocity or another tonight. I tried to go slow and easy.” So they’re coming out and they walk by this group of office workers. And the cowboy guy kind of deliberately bumps the black dude. He keeps walking, but he turns around and goes, “Hey, watch it,” to the guy. Black guys says… “Well, you watch it. I’m not moving. You’re moving. I don’t have to watch it.” The… The cowboy guy says, “What?” Now, had I been the black guy, my response would have been, “Oh, my God, I’m so completely in the wrong right now. Please let me apologize to you. I will watch it. You win. Don’t kill me.” But the black guy’s response was, “I said… I don’t have to watch it ’cause I’m not walking. You’re walking. You watch it.” The… The cowboy guy says, “That’s it motherfucker. Fucking boots are coming off.” And he kicks his boots off. I know. Now this doesn’t happen enough in real life, but you ever… I love it when a whole group of strangers are hanging out, even people that wouldn’t normally be friends, and then a way bigger douche bag shows up. And just for a second, everyone’s friends, just reacting to the douche bag. Because suddenly total strangers are like, “Did he say he’s taking his boots off? You heard that? Okay. Whatever.” If there had been a Nation of Islam guy and a skinhead, they both would have gone, “Did he just say he’s taking off his boots? He said that, right? Okay. I thought I was going crazy.” So… Now… the fucking cowboy guy is now barefoot on the pavement… snaking in on this dude, the short 5’3″, wide, chubby black guy. He looked good doing it. I think this guy fucking knows kung fu. And he’s fucking moving in. He’s gonna fuck… The black guy is not reacting. He’s just standing there with his cigar, watching the guy move in. The cowboy guy gets right up on him, gets his hands on the black guy’s lapel. And then the black guy… He didn’t put his cigar down to do this, which haunts me till this day. Cowboy’s got his hands around his lapel, and the black guy just… picked him up. And when I say picked him up, I don’t mean he went like… I mean, vroom, off his feet. It took that much effort. The guy… He was holding the guy over his head, and then he immediately dropped him. Now, the… The cowboy guy’s evening in his mind did not include being lifted up over someone’s head, so he only fell five feet, but he absolutely did not break his fall in any way. Everything hit, like, nose, chin, knees… just blam on the asphalt. And then blood. And he was clearly so much pain that his brain was like, “We’re not gonna process this. Why don’t you just stand up.” And so he immediately gets up, he’s like… He’s still trying to motherfuck the guy, “Fuck you. Come on, man!” But he’s just barely standing, he’s in so much… And to his credit, his friend, the Middle Eastern guy, was, “Ah, we’re good. Thank you.” And grabbed the guys boots. “Let’s get you in a cab, buddy.” His friend was immediately sober. “We’ll get you a cab and go right home.” Pushes his friend in a cab and they ride off. And now I cannot take my eyes off this black guy. By the way, when they left, the black guy just turned to his friends, “So, are we bringing in muffins on Monday for the Christmas party or what are we… ” Like never even again mentioned what had just happened. So, I can’t take… I’m like, “What the fuck did I see? What is this?” It took me a while looking at the guy, and I realize, “Oh, he’s a powerlifter.” ‘Cause real powerlifters, the serious ones, their bodies, they look like these little chubby guys. It’s like their torso turns into a bicep. It’s just one lifting… It’s like a bicep with a dick and legs. And that’s his… that’s his one move, just lift and drop. Like if… Like, “What was your favorite fight you’ve ever seen, Patton?” “It was like a Street Fighter video game. It was, like, lift and fatality. Like that was the whole… “ Oh, okay. Speaking of thinking I’m going crazy… and I’ve said this a few times… and audience members are going, “Yeah, that’s happened too.” So it’s not just happening to me, but… Okay, before I say this, you all have gotten robocalls, where you pick up the phone, “How would you like an exciting time-share?” Oh, fuck it, and you just hang up. It was a goddamn robocall. But I’ve gotten a couple of calls recently where I pick up the phone and it’s a woman’s voice, and she’ll go, “Hey, how you doing?” I’m like, “I’m good.” Then she goes, “So I wonder… Hang on, something’s wrong with my headset.” And she’ll adjust her headset. Okay, so it’s not just me. And then I’ll go, “Oh, that’s okay.” And then she’ll start talking and it’s just a recorded pitch for a… The whole thing is a recording, including the, “Something’s wrong with my headset.” And three different times I’ve gone, “That’s okay.” And then they go into their stupid pitch. And then when I hang up, I’m like, “You motherfucker.” Like I’m so angry, “I’m gonna burn your building down if I figure out… ” ‘Cause they just tricked me and I’m so angry. Also it makes me… First I’m angry ’cause they tricked me. Second, I’m angry because what that means is some robocall company had a meeting and said, “We can’t just have them pick up the phone and the guys goes, ‘Would you like a’- We gotta add a little zest and pizzazz to hook ’em, then they’ll listen to the whole thing, and the idea… it means they… ” And they found some failed screenwriter, out-of-work playwright, and the idea that the man or woman came up with and got paid for, the level of drama they came up with was, “Oh, let me just adjust my headset.” That’s as far as they went. If you, okay, if you’ve already committed to just completely bullshitting me on a robocall, entertain me, just go for it. When I pick up that phone, like, “Hello,” I should hear like, “He’s stabbing me. Oh, God, I’m… I’m bleeding out. I saw… He’s killing everyone in the office. I’m hiding. Please listen. I promised my son when I left today I would sell one time-share in Boca Raton. If you could just please… Oh, God, please just hit ‘two’ on your phone.” Pick up the phone, “They’ve launched the missiles! They emptied all the silos! The only safe place is Sandy Cove in Monterey, California. Press ‘two’ to hear about an exciting new offer! You need to repopulate the earth!” Let’s meet my front row. Hi. – Do you live in Chicago? – I do. – What do you do in Chicago? – Um, I do public relations. What was the last thing you had to public relate? Uh… I work for a credit union. Ooh, a credit union. What a… the fucking exciting, glitzy world of PR. “Could you try to tell people that our 3.9 spread rate has now gone down to 3.6 percent? And… if you could add a little zhoosh and sparkle to it, that would be fantastic.” You’re sitting there with… All right. So, you… What did you need to relate to the public about this credit union? Uh, we have a new credit card. A new credit card! And how did you make that exciting? I don’t know that I did. Oh, my God! Wow! I… She literally just went, “I think I failed. I don’t think I made… I don’t think I did it.” You said that like you literally realized it that moment. It wasn’t till I brought it up to you, you’re like, “I failed it. Oh, my God! They depended on me! That was their exciting new card and I told people it was made out of shit. What was I thinking?” You didn’t make it exciting. What was the… What was your biggest success so far as a PR person? What’s the thing that you related the fuck out of to the public? What do you consider… What do you consider your Sgt. Peppers in the PR world, so far? Oh, gosh. Oh. Is it too many to name, or has it been a string of disasters? Am I talking to the worst PR person in the Windy City? Probably. Really? You’re laughing a little too confidently at that, “I think he might be.” “He might just be. That’s right. I… This is funny. I destroy lives. That’s what I… ” What would be a thing you would say, like, “Fuck, I really nailed that one.” I… Oh, my God, this is depressing. There’s, like, nothing here. My prior job, I worked for a labor union. You worked for a labor union, and you said, “No, man, I gotta rock and roll this shit up and start working PR.” You’re depressing the fuck… This is awful. I’ve like… I’ve made someone realize they’ve made a horrible mistake in their life. This is a terrible way to start off crowd work. Now the whole front’s going, “Please don’t talk to me. I-I actually like my life. Please don’t ask me what I do. Don’t make me question my existence.” Let me go destroy someone else. I’ll be right back. – Hi! Do you live in Chicago, sir? – I do. – In the city? – Yes. – What do you do in the city? – I work in construction. In construction. Do you actually build with your hands? Are you the guy going, “We need a load of steel for the… ” You’re like… You’re the guy in the trailer, right, making calls? – “Yeah, you guys are good.” – So you’re the guy like… “You guys go up there with your little hard hats and… ” Smart. Very good. But hang on, did you have to work your… Did you have to earn the trailer, or did you start off in the trailer? Will you ever work walking the high steel? – Not once. No. – Never. You fuckin’ college puke! What the hell do you know about a guy with his lunch pail up 80 stories, watching his best friend fall into a bucket of hot rivets? Just got all blue-collar. I’ve literally never done any physical labor in my life. Do you get guys on the site just going, “You never… ” Like, is that a plus or a minus that you’ve never actually been up on the site or they don’t give a shit? – They might have a chip on their shoulder. – A little chip on their shoulder. That’s right. It’s fuckin’ Bruce… They’re Bruce Springsteen and you’re Radiohead, man. They don’t… You know what I mean? They’re out there born to run, and you’re, “Oh, androids and depression.” Ooh! Did you study construction in college, or how did you get into construction? – Civil engineering. – Civil engineering. You college puke. Look at you! What do you know from a book? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. What was the latest project you helped construct? – The Obama Center. – Oh, the Obama Center! Nice! Good! Thank God. What is it? Is it gonna be a giant brick building in the shape of the words “miss me,” or, like, how is that gonna…? When you say Obama Center, is it like his library or like more of a thing… or is it like a… What happens at the Obama Center? – It’s a museum. – Mm-hmm. It’s an interactive space and like a library as well. Wow. And you have the last cubic inch of hope under glass in there, right? You have the last cubic inch of optimism that you have under a little light. You’re only allowed to look at it for just a second. They just, “No, that’s it. No, move, move, move. Don’t touch!” Wow. I don’t know if I can follow Obama Center, but I’m gonna talk to one more person. Let’s see what happens. First, I made a PR person question their life. Then I talked to the guy that’s building the Obama Center. Now let’s talk to a child pornographer. Let’s see… Let’s take this right into the fucking toilet. How about you with the cool glasses? Hi, sir. Do you live in Chicago? You live in… Cool. You live in the actual city. – Yeah. – What do you do in the city? – I’m a comedy writer. – You’re a comedy writer. Oh, this is gonna be death. All right, um… Sorry. When you say… you’re a comedy writer, who do you work for? – The Onion. – Oh, The Onion. Well, I’m not talking… You put on this event. I can’t… This is like talking to the boss at the Christmas party. “Hey, let’s bring him up here, guys. This is good. This guy’s nutty. Come on, let’s see what he has to say.” How does it… You write for the A.V. Club or the actual Onion website? Uh, The Onion, the satirical part. The satirical part? How does… Sorry. How does the Whiplash feel watching reality just pissing all over satire every day? Like, how do you even… How many… How much… How many cubic feet of coke are snorted in the offices every day at this point? I mean, it’s got to be nuts. How are you guys coping? I think pretty good. – Pretty good? – Yeah. You know it’s just gonna get more and more insane. Like, you don’t know… Oh, fuck, dude, I actually feel weirdly bad for you. You know what you could use? Some good PR. Let me introduce you to this… There you go. You call her. There you go. That’s right. Call her. Let her fail you. That’s all I ask. Then for relief, go to the Obama Center. Both you guys, meet at the Obam… You two meet at the Obama Center. And you’re like, “We’re having an iron… You have an ‘irony’ deficiency.” Stupid. Oh! Yes. I’m just killing time. This next section is very hard for me to get into. But it was really nice… That was a fascinating front row. Wow. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. That was… So… The, uh… Just over a year ago, um, I became a widower. And, uh, I have… I’m moving along as best I can. It is, you know… I can get up and I can do my job. I can be a dad. But, uh, it’s not, you know… it’s still… The wound is there. It is healing. It’s not shut yet. And, uh… Ooh, by the way, if one more person wishes me strength on my healing journey, I’m gonna throw a balloon full of piss into every candle store on the planet, because… it’s… It is not a healing journey. Uh, and calling it a healing journey makes it harder, by the way. When I’m… When it’s 4:00 a.m. and I’m in the backyard crying, and looking at the sky in my underwear, uh, you know, it doesn’t feel… I’m like, “I think I’m fucking up my healing journey right now.” If they would call it a “numb slog,” then I could at least go, “I’m nailing it. All right. I’m… right where I need to be on my “numb slog.” And also, it… There’s no sense to it. It doesn’t have… And that was my, you know… my… My wife was a true-crime writer and researcher, and the phrase she hated the most was, “You know, everything happens for a reason.” She’s like, “No, it fuckin’ doesn’t. It’s chaos. It’s all random. And it’s horrifying. And if you want to try to reduce the horror and reduce the chaos, be kind, that’s all you can do. It’s chaos. Be kind.” She would just say that all the… “It’s chaos. Be kind.” Now… I would always… We’d have these huge philosophical arguments where I was like, “I don’t believe in an intelligent creator, per se. I think that there might be a lattice work of logic and meaning to the universe that maybe we’re too small to see.” And she was like, “Sweetie, it’s all random. It’s all chaos. It’s chaos. Be kind. It’s chaos. Be kind.” And we would go back and forth. And then she won the argument in the shittiest way possible! And if there is some intelligence up there with a plan, then his or her or its plan sucks. If part of the plan was looking at me and Michelle as a couple, and go, “Well, I gotta take one of them. Now, let me see. She investigates cold cases and tries to bring a sense of relief and sense to bereaved families. And, uh, he talks about his dick in front of drunks. Now, who… should I take off the planet right now?” That’s like looking down and seeing, like, Louis Pasteur and the guy who fluffs the donkey at the Tijuana fuck show. And you’re like, “Well… those donkey dicks aren’t gonna get hard on their own. I gotta… Someone’s gonna invent pasteurization eventually.” And then everything failed me. Everything. Pop culture. All this shit, all my little escape routes that I used to go to for comfort… comic books, science fiction, film, literature… all that stuff immediately failed me. Especially superheroes in comic books. Out the window. Every superhero, all these action heroes I worship, it’s always… it’s always a widower, someone who has lost a wife or a child or their whole family. And they do the thing that everyone does the minute you lose a loved one. You know what I’m talking about, CrossFit and martial arts. That’s the first thing you do. You get really cut. I mean, look, that’s what I did, guys. I got right super into Taekwondo. Look, the… And by the way, all these guys… They have the Batman and the John Wicks of the world. Uh, they’re always shown, like, standing over their wife’s grave, at night, in the rain, in a trench coat, looking grim and focused. And that’s… Cemeteries close at 6:00. I know this. That’s bullshit. If they’re doing that, that means they climbed over the fence like an asshole. There was some guy in the security hut looking at the monitor, “There’s that douche bag climbing over the gate again. We’re open nine hours a day. I don’t know why he comes here at night. Stand there with that Offspring song playing.” Batman especially. Batman can go fuck himself. That guy… His… He’s nine years old, his parents are gunned down in front of him, and he travels the world becoming this superpowered ninja, fighting… What the… At best, at best, Bruce Wayne would have grown up to be Gotham City’s most annoying slam poet. That is the best he would have become. That’s the best… He would have been one of those trust fund… He would have been a fat vegan, I know that. He would have been a fat vegan. You ever see a fat vegan? – “I thought you said you were a vegan?” – “You know, Oreos don’t have any anim… ” All right, fuck you right… He’d be on stage with his poems, “Bang, bang, in the alley.” Everyone, “Boo!” Second worst day of my life… was the day that my wife passed away. That is the second worst day of my life. The worst day of my life was the day after when I had to tell our daughter. Uh, my wife passed away while she was at school, so in between screaming and vomiting and freaking out, I talked to the school and told them what happened and what do I do. And the principal talked to me. She was amazing and said, “She can’t come home from school and then you tell her and then she has to go to bed. You can’t, like… Oh, you know… You can’t send her off into sleep and that trauma’s just hit her. Tomorrow’s Friday. Keep her out of school. Have a fun daddy-daughter morning. Then at noon, tell her and then be there with her while she works through it. It’s gonna be horrible, but just be there. Give her the day. Do it… ” She said, “Tell her in the sunshine.” That’s how she put it. So we did it. In the morning, we went and had fun. And then, uh… I sat down… with my daughter, and I looked… I looked at my daughter and destroyed her world. I had to look at this little girl that was everything to me and take everything from her. And I’ve… That… That I… That’s gonna be longer for me to recover from than my wife passing away. It was horrifying. And hours and hours later, after crying and holding her, you know, and I said, “Whatever you need to do, I will do it. If you don’t wanna go to school for a month, you don’t have to go. If you wanna… We’ll travel anywhere. I’ll stay here with you. You know, I canceled everything. I just wanna be… ” And then after she calmed down, she said, “I wanna go to school on Monday. I wanna go to school on Monday.” I realized what she was saying is, “I want some normalcy. If my mom were here, I’d be going to school on Monday, so I’m gonna go to school on Monday. Even if it’s an illusion, I’m gonna grab a little bit of that.” And I go, “I will take you to school on Monday. We’re going. We’re gonna go, okay?” And Monday morning rolls around and I’m bringing her to school. And now, I haven’t slept in four days and I’m bringing my daughter to school. So, as we’re walking up, it looked like a junkie had found a kid. And was just, “She said the grown-ups get free apple slices. Is that true?” So… He, um… And I’m on the edge of hallucination at this point, from grief and sleeplessness. All of her little friends who have been told over the weekend what happened and the parents sat down with them, these adorable six- and seven-year-olds are coming up and firing questions at me. Not meaning to be mean, they have no filter. They’re little kids. So, I’m surrounded by these adorable faces saying, “When Alice’s mom died, were you sad?” Like, just kind of melting, “Yes, I was sad.” “It’s great to talk to children.” A couple of her friends, without meaning to, let slip a little too much about their home lives, though, in their questions, which was kind of interesting. “Is Alice gonna have a stepmom?” “I’m not really thinking about that right now. I don’t know.” “Because when my mom and dad stopped living together, I had a stepmom right away.” “I bet you did. Is she teaching you Russian right now, because… I bet she’s not teaching your mom pilates anymore.” All right. We got through the summer, which was it’s own nightmare. And then first day of first grade, which I had to do alone. Normally my wife would go online and fill out the forms. I was like, “I can’t. How am I gonna… ” And I somehow did it. And I’m walking her up to first grade, and I’m like, “I can’t believe I actually… There’s lunch in her lunch box. She has a backpack. I got her new clothes. Okay. Maybe I can do this?” Um, but it also hit me as I’m walking her up there. I had not visited my wife’s grave since the funeral. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t bear to go there. And I’m like, “You know what. Goddamn it. I’m gonna visit Michelle’s grave and I’m gonna sit and talk with her and I’m gonna say, ‘This world need not concern you anymore. I’ve got it. You go do whatever you have to do. You’re not gone because I see so much of you in Alice, and I will keep that healthy and happy and growing. That’s my job now.'” And I was gonna tell her all of that, so I go to the cemetery. 10:00 in the morning. Clear blue… It was beautiful out. There’s a little bench near the headstone and I’m sitting there and I’m about to start talking, telling her this, “This world may not concern you.” Thirty feet this way… there’s an Armenian family having a screaming argument with each other. And their daughter is, like, this teen Goth girl, who’s walk… I don’t know what this meant, by the way. She kept pointing to random parts of the ground, and the father would just go, “No!” Then… seventy feet straight in front of me, there’s an adorable Chinese family all sitting in beach chairs, eating pizza at a headstone. And they have a boom box and they are blaring Céline Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” Blaring. Except there’s no real bass, it’s all treble, so it sounds like it’s being performed on a dentist drill, like it’s so… And I’m sitting there trying to go, like, “Uh, this world may not exist… ” “No!” “You go… I see so much of you in… ” “No!” Finally I was, “You’re a ghost. Just fly behind me in the fucking car. I’ll talk to you there. I can’t… This is insane.” Now I know why superheroes come here at night. I get it. Okay. I-I’m sorry, Batman. You were right. You were right. The most fucked-up part of grieving, and this doesn’t happen as much as it did in the first few months, but it still happens… And they don’t talk about this in my grief group or in the grief books… are the days where you very seriously have hours where you think, “Hey, maybe I’m the one that’s dead.” What if I died and the horror of my body dying was too much for my brain to accept, so my brain has invented this fantasy world of the next worse thing. Which would be my… And by the way, beyond my wife passing away, which is horrible, there’s also really horrific evidence around me that I might be dead and imagining this hell… based on what the fuck is going on around me right now… in the world, like this is… If my mind were to invent a hellscape, it would kind of look like this. I mean, is this… I mean… The flying Razor Bats with the three-headed genitals haven’t showed up yet, but… if they do, someone confirm that they’re there is all I’m asking. Oh, the other awful thing… about when my wife passed away was that two weeks after she died, it was the week leading up to Mother’s Day, which… And I’m like, “Oh, my gosh.” I called the school and they said, “Oh, you can’t bring her to school. She’s gotta go out of school this week. You gotta take her out of town. It’s too soon. Go do something fun.” And my wife is from Chicago, so her whole family still lives here. I have this amazing network of… It’s a gigantic Irish brood and they’re fantastic. My daughter has all these amazing cousins and aunts, so I said, “We’re going to Chicago all week, and you’re gonna have adventures and running around.” And we did. It was fun. Museums and parks and sleepovers and all kinds of nuttiness. And she had such a good time, and I kept her mind off of Mother’s Day. I fuckin’ did it. I got to that Sunday, Mother’s Day itself, where I’m, like, “I’m gonna spend Mother’s Day, we’ll be at the airport and we’ll travel. And I’ll make that day really fun and I’ll fill that with adventure. I’ll keep her mind off it all day. We’ll be home, and we’ll deal with this all again next year step-by-step.” Now we’re at the airport, we’re walking up to the security gate, I’m like, “I think I pulled this off. Here, sweetie, here’s your ticket. Give her your… ” She loved to hand up her ticket. “Here it is.” Said, “Here’s your ticket.” She gives the gate lady her ticket. I give the gate lady my ticket. She’s a very old, sweet Polish woman, and we’re walking onto the plane. Just as we’re about to go down the tunnel, her hand falls on my shoulder and she says, “I hear what happened to your wife.” She looks at Alice, “To your mother, to be without your mother on Mother’s Day. I-I… My mother died when I was your age. I never get over it. I never… I’m still so sad. My father never get over it. It broke him. He died alone. But when you are sad, what I tell myself is that also there are so many other sad people. Okay, have nice flight.” We get on the plane and Alice is crying, I’m crying. It was just this nightmare. And, you know, ever since then, every major holiday, I live in fear that this Polish woman of doom is just gonna… fuckin’ rear up and just ruin… Like Halloween this year, we went trick-or-treating. Every door I knocked on, I thought it would open up, “Little girl! Oh! Halloween without my mother! It is the saddest thing. Everyone that’s dressed as a ghost, I want to look under the sheet. Are you my mother under the sheet? They never are. My mother is never under the sheet. Here is some candy from my country. It is made from birch bark and ink. It is called ‘don’t’! Oh, little girl!” Take her… This is funny. Take her to the mall at Christmas. Put her on Santa’s lap, beard comes off, “It is me! Oh! Christmas without my mother is the saddest thing in the world. Don’t you agree? Every stocking is hung by the chimney with tragedy! There will never be a walnut or a tangerine in the toe. Oh, little girl! The loneliness pushed my father into a spectrum of sexuality called beyond gay. Little girl!” Fuckin’… Arbor Day. “I’m in the tree.” All right, okay, fine. Now goddamn it. Yes, Arbor Day without my mother. Jesus Christ. Halloween especially. That’s my daughter’s favorite holiday. Mine too. We love Halloween. And this… one of the things… My daughter is friends with this really sweet girl who goes to a painfully progressive elementary school in Los Feliz. They’re very nice, but it’s a little much. It’s a little… “Hey, we don’t have any walls here, man. And, uh… Like, we don’t give out A’s or F’s. Like, instead of an A, we give out a drawing of a pomegranate. And instead of an F, it’s a picture of a smiling, frowning, possum. And then we try to ask, ‘How could you make the possum not frown?’ And we have… ” Oh, shut the fuck… But… they do do a really cool Halloween carnival every year. And the kids put it on, so it’s very, very handmade and charming. And my favorite part is, they do this haunted house. And the kids put on the haunted house, so it’s very, very basic. It’s just… They make a maze with garbage bags. You go down the maze and a ghost goes, “Boo!” Then there’s… And my daughter loves it, even though she’s terrified. Like, she wants to go in, and then I carry her and she hides her face. And she’s hiding her face, but then I hear her laughing. And I’ve been taking her since she was three. Um, this past year… some of the adults decided to help out on the haunted house, so me and Alice and a bunch of other kids, we go into the haunted house, and the first thing that happens is a woman dressed as a witch pops out and says, “I’ve killed Harry Potter!” And all of the kids go, “Whaa!” Immediately start crying. And then the witch realized, like, “No, but he’s not really dead. He used an amulet to trick me. You’ll see at the end. There’s a story if you go through the maze. You’ll see… ” So they decided to add a fucking story element, which you can’t do in a haunted house. It’s just shit popping out. There’s a werewolf and a ghost and… Instead, we went into a room and then adults came out and just pitched us shitty movie sequels. That was the haunted house. The house of shitty movie sequels. “What if the Titanic didn’t sink? Now follow me on this. If the… ” And I was bummed out because that haunted house, the first time I took Alice when she was three, I saw one of the scariest things I have ever seen. And I go to some of those professional, you know, “It’s the massacre corn maze,” or some kind of… This was put on by kindergartners and it scared… Okay, so again, we’re going through the maze, and a ghost pops out and a witch… And so the last corner that you turn, there’s a long hallway, at the end of the hallway is the exit. So when I turn the corner, at the end of this long hallway, there’s a single red lightbulb. And underneath the lightbulb, a kindergartner had gotten lost. And the kindergartner was wearing an adult monster mask that’s on him at this crazy tilt. So, I’m just holding Alice, and at this point, I’m being the dad, like, “Whoa, there goes the witch. Oh, look at the ghosts. Here we go.” I turn the corner and I see this thing at the end of the hall, just this little like… I almost shit my pants off. Like, “Boom!” I’ve never… Holy fuck, it was so unnerving just this shape. Even the werewolf popped out, I’m like, “Get out of here. There’s a real demon right there.” I have friends who run professional haunted houses. Save your money. Get a bunch of kids, fill them with Skittles. Put adult monster masks on. Let them wander around. The feces fumes coming off… of your thing will replenish the ozone layer. I’m pitching movies. Still pitching movies every now and then. I still do it. I wanna write a movie and get it made. That’s one of my dreams. But I wanna be… But I wanna be like… I wanna write something original and new, and there’s nothing more demoralizing than pitching a movie, because you will always reference other movies when you pitch a movie. And you feel so uncreative when you do it. Like, “So, at the beginning, uh, the office, I want the same kind of energy as The Newsroom and All the President’s Men. With all the background dialogue.” You’re like, “I’m a fucking idiot.” So just once, I would love to go in and pitch a children’s movie, like a G-rated movie, but only reference hard-core porn when I’m describing the scene, as if everyone in the room has seen it. So, I’m like, “Oh, yeah, this is gonna be a really fun movie. Um, I love the first We Love Ice Cream movies. Uh, so this is We Love Ice Cream 4. And what I wanna have happen is… So, remember the little kid in We Love Ice Cream, the first one? Now he’s grown up and he’s going to college. He doesn’t wanna run the old ice-cream shop. He’s got all these dreams. He wants to get out there in the world and do it. Um, but then his dad has that stroke, and he’s like, ‘Oh, my gosh, do I just let the ice-cream store close or do I go out and follow the dream I wanna do.’ We’re gonna have that moment in the first act where he decides, ‘Yes, I’m gonna run this ice-cream store.’ And I want that kind of… Remember in Marines Don’t Kiss, where’s she’s getting… she’s blowing the dude and the other dude is underneath her and he’s fucking her. Then the third guy wants to ass-fuck her and fill all of her holes, right? And you could see it in their face, ‘Yeah, fuck me in the ass.’ Like that same confidence of that I’m gonna… as in that scene, yeah. That will propel us into the second act when all these bills are piling up, and he just, ‘My God. How am I gonna keep the store open? And my career is going away. There’s no way I can pay for all this. And it’s just gonna be this burden, just this huge… ‘ Remember in Yank My Doodle, It’s a Dandy, when… the, um, all the guys are just jerking off on her back. She’s on all fours in the hotel room and then… But you can tell like, ’cause she just has that lake of cum on her back, so just… I want him to have that, just feel that same burden as the lake of cum that’s on her back. ‘How will I run this ice-cream store?’ You know like that. ‘Oh, my gosh.’ Um, but then, and then ironically in the third act, we find out that the stained glass window on the second floor of the family home is actually this priceless heirloom worth like half a million dollars. That’s gonna pay off the mortgage and help him hire people so he can… So ironically, the whole solution was there right in the opening scene. It was there right from the beginning. Like, remember Hungry White Asses Filled with Angry Black Dicks, Part 4? No, no, part… I’m sorry. I’m so stupid, Part 3, when she gets hired to find the guy with the question-mark-shaped mole at the base of his cock, and she sucks off everybody. She sucks off the delivery guy, the pool boy, the pizza guy. Just dick, dick, dick. Suck, suck, suck. Just fucking every direction. Just dicks going into her mouth. And then, oh, it was the fucking guy that hired her in the beginning. So, they come full circle. It’s that, you know, like… And you feel that same relief of, ‘Oh, that was the dick right there.’ You want me to write up a treatment? I think it sounds really fun. No? We could… ” That’s a weird bit to end this set on, isn’t it? That was a bit I was always working on and I could never make it work. And it always cracked Michelle up because she loved shit that was so filthy and rude and goofy like that. And right now, I’m still wounded and I’m healing, but there’s people out there, especially the people in power. I’m sorry to get… I’ll leave you with this. There’s people that wanna create wounds that will not heal. That’s the turn-on for them, so just… I’m just gonna end this by quoting Michelle Eileen McNamara, “It’s chaos. Be kind.” Thank you. Good night.

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Paul Mooney: A Piece of My Mind – Godbless America (2014) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/paul-mooney-piece-mind-godbless-america-transcript/

Let me see if I could go down some of these credits ’cause we’ll be here for two days if I do them all. Let’s see. Of course, he’s a writer for the great Richard Pryor, the Saturday Night Live. Also, he wrote for Red Fox, Sanford and Son, Good Times, Which Way Is Up, Bustin’ Moves, Hollywood Shuffles. He played Sam Cooke in the Buddy Holly Story. He also wrote for Fox’s In Living Color, created the character Homie Da Clown. Okay, let’s move on over to Chapelle Show. I told you we’d be here for two days. The Godfather of Comedy, Paul Mooney, hanging out with us in the studios. He’s been in here before, so he knows how it goes down. He’s performing at the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center. Mr. Mooney, it’s always an honor to see you. We appreciate you stopping by. Aren’t you going to tell them what time, and where to get the tickets? Yeah, we’ll get to that. We got time. Are you sure? So this is of course, the Godfather of Comedy, for sure, for sure, Paul Mooney. So this is going to be a historic event. Hey, y’all! My name is Chucky Jenkins, and we’re on the red carpet at the Paul Mooney, Godfather of Comedy taping. Godfather of comedy, man. That’s the man behind a lot of the Gs. Come on, why not go and study one of the greats, man? We got the Kings of Comedy, but we about to watch the Godfather. Paul Mooney, man. He’s definitely the greatest. He’s a legend in comedy, I mean. I just came down to show my support. Definitely a blessing and a pleasure to be here and be apart of this event, man. Paul Mooney, is big. I love having him on the radio show, and I support him 110 percent. So tell us what brought you out to the Paul Mooney Show? Well you know, I’ve always been a fan of Paul Mooney. I think he’s hilarious. We were driving by and we saw, “Hey, Paul Mooney’s going to be here!” We said we’re going to have a little date, tonight. I’m honored to be here to see this brother do his thing and throw down. He’s a master, and I just love him. Ladies and gentlemen, show your love, give it up for the Godfather of comedy, Paul Mooney! That’s yours. It’s you big man. You yeah, ’cause you’re the only one that got that head big enough to wear it, like mine. No, I’m just giving that to you, so you keep that. It’ll be worth something, and I’m serious. ‘Cause I done been there. I done seen them all die. It’ll be worth something. Hold on to it. I want to get right to it because… White folks, y’all have went crazy. Do you believe the things that come out of white people’s mouth? It’s like this exorcism, like they’re possessed. Saying wild shit. Is it Beck? What’s the white man’s name at the White House? He doesn’t want us to have Martin Luther King. “You don’t own Martin Luther King.” Did you hear him? “We didn’t own Abraham Lincoln.” We know you didn’t own him because he was black. We owned him. We know our own people. That’s why they put him on that penny. They didn’t think he was worth a god damn. The Indians said it best. “You cannot hide your blood from your people.” Don’t want us to have nothing! We don’t try to take nothin’. White folks, we don’t try to take nothing of yours. Why do they try to take our stuff? We don’t try to take nothin’! We didn’t try to take Elvis. We didn’t try to take Joan of Arc. We didn’t try to take Helen of Troy. We don’t mess with their shit! We do not fuck with they shit. Do we fuck with they shit? Come on, be real! We don’t try to take they shit! They always trying to take our shit and recycle it, and say it’s theirs. American Idol, it’s so English. It’s so brilliant, American Idol. American Idol is the Apollo with white judges. Keep this shit real! But always trying to take our stuff. Ain’t that a trip? We just loved us some Tina Turner, remember? They took her. Remember Lionel Richie? We loved him! They took him! They take our shit! I ain’t bullshittin’! If I’m lying, correct me. They took James Brown. Oh, they gave him back. They took O.J. They gave him back! Anything we like, they take! Remember the Cookie man? They took them god damn cookies! Remember Essence? White folks own it. See? The Apollo, white folks own it. BET, almost black television, white folks own it. All we’ve go left is Jet. And, I’m worried about ’em. White folks, I’m just being open with you. Don’t look crazy. I’m being open! I’m the best black friend you can have. I’m telling you the god damn truth. Stop taking our shit! Can’t we have something? They don’t want us to have a headache. “Take these aspirin!” “You can’t have no god damn headache!” I’m just bringing it real! I’m putting it on the table. How come white folks, you got to explain this to me. How come what’s on us is ugly, but when it’s on you, it’s cute? Look at this black woman, beautiful, big, full, yours too, full, black, lips, look full on you. “You bangy b!tch.” On the white lady, “Ethnic, the look, full, sexy.” Ain’t that deep? Look at your black skin. Beautiful, black skin. On you, “Oh, black thing.” On the white lady, “Your tan is gorgeous.” Your cornrows on you. “You little pickaninny.” On Bo Derek, “A 10.” Ain’t this shit some shit? I ain’t making it up. Ugly on us and cute on them. “Your big, full, bangy, butt.” “Your big, african ass.” “Ol’ big ol’ af…” “You bangy b!tch!” “White girls, sexy, full.” That a b!tch? What if we’ve been killed on the freeway and white folks come by, “I’ll take those lips.” It’s a damn shame. We’ve got to fight back. We’ve got to stick with our shit. We’ve got to stick with our beauty. They can’t tell us what’s pretty. We know what pretty is! Everybody then went crazy. They taking all our folks to jail. They taking them all to jail. I say to you black people that been in jail, or going to jail, don’t be shamed. Don’t be shamed. That’s where they took Jesus. They took him straight to jail. That’s where they took Martin Luther King. They took him straight to jail. Malcom X, they took him. You’ve got good company. You get in jail, be proud! Just me and Jesus! Taking everything from us! I’m telling y’all black folks, we got to get back. We’ve got to pray ’cause they taking everything. You know prayer is strong. We’ve got to pray! Got to pray ’cause they taking shit! Who’s that little, skinny, white girl with big lips? She live with Brad Pitt. Angelina! Salt. That b!tch is getting ready to play Salt and Pepper. I can’t make it up! They have just picked her to play Cleopatra. She is the third white woman. First, it was Claudette Colbert. Then, it was Elizabeth Taylor. Now, it’s her. The third white woman. White folks, y’all ought to be ashamed of yourself telling that lie. Cleopatra was black. She was black as Cicely. She was black as Cicely Tyson! She was black! Cleopatra V, she was black. Egyptian. That’s in Africa. That’s not some small village in Sweden. Her daddy was nubian. You keep telling that Greek lie. “She was half Greek.” That’s a lie. She married a Greek for power. She killed him. She never even fucked him. She was a bad, black, b!tch, bad. An arrogant. Her daddy was nubian and proud. She only screwed two men. Cesar and Marc Anthony. If she done screwed anybody else, we would’ve known it ’cause they would’ve been talking about it. She was black. “Aw, that old black b!tch fucked him.” You know how they talk. She went to Egypt. Here entrance into Rome, the gold all that shit them white folks are still talking about it today. She wore them out, and she was arrogant. Cesar, she had children by Cesar. She seduced him and Marc Anthony. Cesar tried to give her a gift, and she wouldn’t accept it. When a b!tch won’t accept a gift that’s a bad b!tch! She said, “A gift?” “What could you possibly give me?” “I am the queen of Egypt.” “That Egypt has not already given me.” Now, that’s some bad shit. You can’t give her a gift? God damn. But they want a white woman to play her. But I got one better than that. I’m getting ready to drive you all crazy. I got one better than that. Who’s this white woman they say, “She’s the greatest actress ever to step on American stage.” Meryl somebody. What’s her name? Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep. Guess who she getting ready to play? Who? Harriet Tubman. I can’t wait for the reviews! I can’t wait. The white reviews. “She was absolutely brilliant!” “The makeup was phenomenal!” “Some of my best friends are black.” “I felt as if she was my best friend.” “When she freed the first slaves, “I got naked in the theatre.” See, you laughing ’cause you know I’m bullshitting you, but that Hollywood so god damn crazy, it might be true. I saw an old re-run of Bananza. Horse ordered a mail-order bride. Chinese, of course. Then when she got there, guess who she was? Marlo Thomas, I can’t make up no shit like that. What’s that little, big lip, white actress, got big lips? She was in some movie that I hated because the movie was so offensive. The Blind Side. I was so offended by that movie. I went there, and I thought it was a Stevie Wonder story. It pissed me off. I used to hate her, then I started liking her when I found out she hid that little, black baby. She had a black baby. She hid it from the white world, and then she hid it from her husband. When a white woman can hide a black baby from her husband, that’s a hiding b!tch. I say, when they getting ready to repossess my cadillac, I’m going to let that b!tch hide it. They won’t find it. ‘Cause she could hide some shit! That’s a sneaky, white b!tch. “Sandra, what you doing with that “extra piece of chicken?” “Nothing, nothing.” “Sandra, you can’t eat those 12 watermelons.” “Oh, god.” Guess who she getting ready to play? Guess who she getting ready to play? Who? That black woman who invented the hot comb. What’s her name? Madam Walker. And, her little, black baby going to co-star. “Here’s a comb, Mama.” “Mama, here the comb.” “It’s hot baby. It’s hot blow on it.” I’m telling you, these white folks they went crazy. My generation, and I see it’s a bunch of you. You know, we go way back. It’s a bunch of us. Our generation, back in the day, we could’ve been signed with Motown. We were some singing folks, weren’t we? We loved to sing! Ain’t going to let nobody, turn me round, turn me round. Keep on walking, keep on talking. You remember! Come on, y’all! Talking ’bout freedom now. Motown! We shall overcome. We shall… We were some singing! And passive. You slapped us, we’d turn the other cheek. You’d put your dogs on us and we were scared. We were scared to go to jail. We were scared to die, but we could sing. And, white folks loved us ’cause we sang. And, said anything to us. We sang! And, anybody that loved us, they hated it. That’s why they hate Obama so much ’cause we got Kunta Kinte up in that motherfucker. We don’t have Toby, and that’s the problem. What goes around, comes around. I love it. I love every minute of it. I love my black president. I love him. I love my black president! I love my black president that can walk like a pimp! I love my black president that can play basketball! I love my black president that can GQ his ass off. I like my black president that can wear their sunglasses, got that black wife, with that big, bangy, black ass, and them pretty ass black kids. I love my black president! He’s perfect for America! Perfect! He got them big, white man ears. He looks like Malcom X. He talks like Martin Luther King. Oprah loves him, and he shits apple pie! I love him! I don’t know where you guys where when he won, but I was in Harlem. That’s where I live, with the white folks. And, we went crazy! We ran up and down them streets all night. “Obama, beat yo mama!” “Obama beat yo mama!” I went stone crazy. I went to the first public bus, and I told them white folks, “Get in the back where you fucking belong!” “Obama is president!” Then, I went to the first soulfood restaraunt ’cause I knew the price of chicken was going way down. I said, “Get me 100 wings for 10 cents b!tch!” “Obama is president!” You better get my black president. My black president can’t do no wrong with me. He’d been in there a year. He’s been Aunt Jemima and god damn Uncle Ben. Cleaning up this shit. This bullshit. “He should bring the troops home.” Bush should bring ’em home, he sent them. Just blaming him for every god damn thing, every move. God, he got class. He got dignity. He’s smart. I couldn’t. If I was… I’m serious! If I was in that White House, the way they talk about him, if that was me, I’d walk out on that lawn at the White House early one morning, I’d pull my pants and I’d take an old-fashion country shit. I’d shit right on the lawn. Put this on YouTube! For all the news, “The president took a dump this morning.” “The dog went crazy.” Hillary can say, “I’m a woman.” “I’m running for president.” That whore in Alaska can say, “I’m running for vice president.” Obama can’t say he black ’cause if he does, it starts trouble. His blackness will get him in trouble if he says it by association. He can’t go and talk to Farrakhan. Bush could talk to however he want to talk. His whiteness protects him. He’s still the President Bush. He’s still got that white skin. He’s got that color. He’s got the complexion for the protection, for the collection. Look at that little actress. That little, crazy, drug-addict, little white girl with the big lips. They let her out. What’s her name? Lindsay. Let her out! The jails are overcrowded. Look at this young black girl. Your little black ass wouldn’t be getting out. “We’re overcrowded. Oh, really?” “Tie that black b!tch to a tree.” “She ain’t going nowhere.” “Ain’t no room, make some room.” “The storage place is 19.99 a month.” “Lock that b!tch in one of them rooms.” “They filled up. Bring her to my house.” “I’ve got a double garage. I got one car in there.” “Nickname that b!tch cadillac.” “Put her in there!” “You ain’t going nowhere.” “Ain’t no room.” “Fire the cook, then make the b!tch cook.” “She going to work. She ain’t going nowhere.” “Black b!tch going to cook.” “She ain’t going to do nothin’.” “She going to be right here.” The lying ass, drug-addict. “Somebody stole my passport.” You lying b!tch. If she had stole the truth, “I snorted my passport.” Then I’d believe it. Make more sense. She went to school with my daughter. She went to school with my daughter, Lindsay. Did you know she was an honor student? Did you know that? “Yes, your honor. No, your honor.” If that had been Lil’ Kim, she would’ve went straight to jail the first god damn day. Lil’ Kim lied. Perjury. What the white people say? What the judge say, “Don’t lie to us black b!tch.” “You going to jail.” That was the message. “Black b!tch, don’t lie to us.” Two years. What’s the man in the O.J. trial? Mark Fuhrman, the policeman, he perjurized. He should have got five years. What he get? A book deal and fame. That skin. Complexion, for the protection, for the collection. I’ve known O.J. since he was 18. I knew O.J. when he had his black wife. I knew when the little black child drowned, all that. I met Nicole when she was 18. Cute… but a drug addict and a hoe. Keep it real, and O.J. was taking care of all of them, okay. That shit was about drugs and sex. That’s what that was fucking about, okay. That’s for real. That’s what it was about. A bunch of folks went to jail. and a bunch of folks got killed that night. They didn’t tell you about. Trust me, and Mark Fuhrman… This is just my opinion, Mark Fuhrman was fucking her. I’m sure of it. Drug-addict hoe, okay. What’s the little, white boy that’s got them a little mistake with glasses? Still talk about his family wants to sue. – Kato? Goldman? – Goldman, yeah. He ain’t brought no god damn glasses. It was about drugs. You know she made him suck that pussy. You know that. When they got up there in heaven, they was up in heaven, the both of them, you know what she told him, you know. “I told you this juice would kill ya.” Mean, mean, but funny. And, you black people stop getting this Chris Brown bullshit twisted, and this is not a joke. Stop getting it twisted! That girl beat the shit out that boy. She damn near killed him. He’s lucky to be alive. Them girls from the islands, they’re cute, but they violent and they’re jealous. She beat the shit out that boy. She almost killed him! That’s why that boy bitter. He was scared! You’ll bite when you’re scared. Mike Tyson, scared. He bit. Somebody whooping your ass, you’ll bite. That’s what you do when you’re scared. Bite this motherfucker. You bite when you’re scared. You don’t beat no woman’s ass. That’s after kill. Beat her up, then now I’m a bit you. No. You bite when you’re getting your ass whoop. That’s when you bite! When you’re scared! The girl damn near killed that boy. He’s lucky to be alive. He’s lucky to be here. He lucky she didn’t use that umbrella. You know that b!tch got an umbrella! He’d be singing with Stevie Wonder, now. She’d done put his eyes out. She tried to kill him! She called her girlfriend up. She called Naomi up. She called her. “Get over her, Naomi. Bring your cellphone.” “We whoopin’ some ass tonight.” “Hurry up, it’s a party! Hurry up, baby!” Naomi says, “I’m busy, I can’t come. I’m busy.” “I’m whooping the chauffeur’s ass. I can’t come!” Says, “I’m busy, I can’t come.” “I’m busy shining up my blood diamond.” She damn near killed him. Listen to her new song. Listen to her lyrics, listen to it. She tells on herself. “I had everything ’til I had to beat your ass.” Listen to his lyrics. He tells. The boy got brain damage, listen to him. He thinks he’s a transformer. She’s slick, she’s shroud, and the white folks love them little island girls. They’re light-skin, cute, and they have that Eartha Kitt shit going. They have an accent. They love ’em! But they some shroud b!tches. She got a big, big forehead. You’ve seen her forehead. She was forehead beating him. They don’t leave scars. It’s a damn shame. Black folks, stop getting it confused. If that girl got in the ring with Muhammad Ali’s daughter, she’d beat her ass! Now, let’s talk about the embarrassment. The embarrassment. Tiger Woods. Embarrassing! He has embarrassed every black man on the planet. He has no game. No pimp game, no street game, no black man game. He is such a little punk. That’s a cry baby. Man up! Man up! Such a little white boy. ” I’m not the only one.” Get the fuck up out of here with that bullshit! Cabacolasian. He know what he is now. Them Asians hurried up and gave him back to us. His daddy must be turning over in his grave. His daddy was black. His daddy married a black woman before he met that Filipino woman. Tiger Woods got black brothers and sisters he don’t even talk about. Keep this shit real. Man up! You see the press conference? “Family and friends.” And he’s the only black thing standing there. Embarrassing! A little punk! He sound like that old singer. That old, I’m sorry. Brenda Lee, he sound like that old b!tch. So sorry. I apologize ’cause I didn’t know. Little sissy! All them white women that he fucked, they should get some dildos and fuck him. He’s a little punk. Man up! Kissin’ that ass. You see him kissing that white man’s ass? At the press conference. Boy, you’ve got billions and trillions of dollars! You don’t have to kiss nobody’s ass! You got money, man up! Man the fuck up! Give me a billion dollars, and press conference me tomorrow morning. Yeah, them white women sucked my dick, and you can suck my dick too! Fuck you! End of press conference! Them white folks will shut that shit down like rats ran in the room. The only thing wrong he did was screwing all them white women. He left them alive. All that money, he could get off on murder. He can get off! A dream team, a dream team. I could hear the dream team, now. “If the rubber don’t fit, you must acquit.” Now, they got him in a sex rehabilitation hospital. What the fuck does that mean? They’re going to cure him? Well, they better get rid of them white nurses ’cause he’ll fuck ’em. If they want to cure him, they better hire some black nurses. Better hire some black nurses, ’cause he says he only fucks black women the month of February and June 10th. But he married Becky. He married Becky. He married Becky. Becky, nanny, model, slash, hoe. The b!tch was a hoe. Hoes like hoes. That’s why he got busted. You can’t trick a hoe. A hoe can’t trick another hoe! Bring your b!tch ass home, hoe. I know what you’re up to. Bring your ass home. He pissed Becky off. Becky is getting 750 million, okay. More money than ever, ever! If your black ass would’ve been married to Elvis and asked for that kind of money, them white folks would’ve arrested you. “Arrest that b!tch!” “Put her and her kids in jail.” “The b!tch is trying to steal from Elvis.” “Give the b!tch $7.50. Get that b!tch out of here.” “Food stamps and a bus pass, give it to her.” “B!tch ain’t getting no 750 million.” “Is this b!tch on drugs?” Becky’s getting 750 million, and if he brings any of them whores around the kids and ain’t married to one of them, Becky says she can fine him 10 million. I can’t make this up. She getting palimony, alimony. She getting all that shit, and she fining him. Becky, you don’t want to piss Becky off. ‘Cause that boy, let’s keep this shit real. Let’s not be scared. He got a Becky ass whoopin’. That white woman whooped his ass. He’s running around there hitting them white balls with the golf club. That b!tch said, “Give me that club.” “I’m getting ready to hit some black balls.” You know all that shit happened that night. She beat his ass. That white woman beat the black out that boy. That’s why he ran into that tree. All was left was the Asian. Michael Jackson just had a god damn birthday. Okay, Michael Jackson, and you guys get it out of your head. Look, you tell a lie enough it becomes the truth. These white folks was lying on Michael. Michael was not no god damn pedophile. That’s a god damn lie! He wasn’t no fucking pedophile! All that shit was about money. That first boy admitted it. His parents made him tell that lie. He wan’t no pedophile. Now, he was x-files. Every time I saw him I went, Scully, Scully! Made that boy take his pants off, and look at his penis and all that bullshit. That’s what killed that boy. That’s what started it. Disgracing that boy like that. It’s a damn shame. That was the start of it. That fucking Hollywood, them bastards! I try to keep up, what they say. What they do, and what they try to make us fucking believe. Wait a minute. This what I want to know. So I know I’m not going crazy. Who is this black woman that owns Popeye’s Chicken? Where does she come from? All of a sudden, “Oh my Popeye’s Chicken.” “You buy them,.” “You going to love my biscuits! Oh, Popeye!” Where the hell does she come from? Has she been in the basement all this time? Fry b!tch, fry! Now I see she owns it. Have you seen it? Is she the Pine Sol lady’s sister? Who is she? Is she Uncle Ben’s daughter? Where she come from? Is she Aunt Jemima’s niece? Where she come from? Is she Mrs. Buttermilk’s granddaughter? Well, who is she? “Popeye’s Chicken! Oh my chicken!” Where this b!tch come from? And Aunt Jemima looks like Tyra Banks. They have changed Aunt Jemima’s image. She looks like the next top fucking model! She got a perm. Have you seen her? You wouldn’t think she knew anything about pancakes. I was on an airplane, going to Europe, in first class with some rich, rich white woman. ‘Cause you know when a white woman get rich, they start talking for reals. They some funny b!tches when they get drunk. We was talking about Aunt Jemima. She says, “I don’t give a damn “what that b!tch got on.” “She better get in that kitchen “and cook them pancakes.” “I don’t care what she got on.” “I’ll buy that b!tch a Gucci bag.” “Cook me some pancakes!” Popeye’s chicken! Thank you, you got to help me. I think I be seeing things. Now, you’ve got to help. Guess who I saw selling furniture on television? That god damn, Magic Johnson. What is up with Magic? Selling furniture! Then I said, he owns Staples, Check Cashing Money Loan Tax, Fat Burger, the theater, those restaurants. I’m serious! God damn! He used to be the poster-child for AIDS. Now, he’s just got his hands in all the business. What kind of AIDS did he have? Financial aids? I WANT IT! I sat down at a big benefit in Hollywood, and white man on crutches hobbled up to that stage, he was pissed. He said, “I’m HIV positive.” “I was so offended.” I said, fuck you! You trouble maker. You didn’t call me when you were getting AIDS, don’t call me when you got it. Everybody going to die, you just know when. Get the fuck up on out of here. I’m not being cold! Everybody in here going to die. All of you going to kick the bucket. You going to die, just wait. Death is coming. But you into that money. You into that illusion of inclusion. You have money. Worshipping that god damn money which it ain’t about shit! Your wealth and your health is in your brain and in your health. The rich man will give you all his money for your health and your sanity. That’s where your wealth is. The one’s that are clapping you know. You other fools, you actually think that money’s something. It’s an illusion. You will never see a Brinks truck following a hearse. You won’t be seeing that. They bury people. They don’t bury money. Merv Griffin had all the money. All of it! Didn’t keep any of it. He gone. That big, titty, white lady had all the money. She’s gone. Christina Onassis had more money than all of them. Gone! You cannot take it with you. But you must give the Egyptians an A for effort. They tried to take that shit with them. My grandkids, my kids, they ain’t like us. They ain’t like us. They ain’t scared to die. They ain’t scared of no god damn dogs. White folks, tell them they can’t ride on the bus. Go tell them. You a bad motherfucker? Go tell them. Those little hip-hoppers. The ones that wear their pants… Go tell them they can’t ride on the bus. Go on tell them. Ain’t going to be no bus. Everybody going to walk to school! They will tear that god damn, shoot, kill everybody on the bus. They’ll burn that motherfucker up. Everybody have to walk. Ain’t going to be no god damn bus. No singing, they don’t give a damn! White folks, go tell them they can’t drink in the white drinking fountain. Go tell them that. You can’t drink here. Then, bring your ass up there to drink. There’ve been some bad, little motherfuckers. Those care nothing about jail. Don’t care about going to jail. That’s a plus, not a minus. They don’t care about no god damn jail. And bring your little German Shepherds, bring ’em. They got pitbulls! They’ll chase you and your German Shepherd! These two little, young white b!tches, you should see your faces, they’re like this. You know I’m telling you the god damn truth. You got them little black friends. You know how crazy they are. They crazy! Care about no god damn German Shepherds. I’m from that old school. Them white folks love them dogs. They love them dogs. They used to sick them German Shepherds on you. Just trying to get us. I’m a human being. Nobody protested that. They just back there hiding. “Sick ’em. Get ’em.” I remember them dogs, I don’t give a damn about a dog! I’ll choke the shit out of a dog! I remember them dogs. I’ll give a dog to a Chinese family. Give a damn about no puppy. I’ll run a puppy over. Back up, make sure it’s dead. ‘Cause white folks will take a baby and leave it in a garbage can in front of the fire department. “Give a damn about no baby.” “Fuck that baby. I didn’t want that baby.” But not a puppy! They just did it the other day. The man hit and ran, and hit people and ran. Hit ’em and ran! They won’t hit a puppy. They know they going to hell if they hit a puppy. They’ll leave the dog, they’ll leave the cat, all the money. Fuck the grandkids, they’ll leave the cat millions of motherfucking dollars! They taking everybody to jail. What’s the little rapper’s name? Little somebody, what’s his name? Lil’ Wayne! They took Lil’ Wayne’s ass to jail! Lil’ Wayne! Locked him up! Heavy security, trying to keep him from big Wayne. They are just on that television. These white folks, the things that come out these white folks mouth. It’s too much. That brother that went crazy. That brother that went crazy on his child ’cause they kept calling him the N word. That boy, and his little white girlfriend. She told, “Leroy, come home please.” “They’re just so racial, they so racial.” He got tired of that shit. Called his mom and told, he wish he could kill some more white folks. Won’t be calling him that no more. He went crazy. He went postal. But the only good thing about it, it’s just horrible, I don’t want nobody killing nobody. That’s horrible, but the good thing them two or three black folks that work with him, they could do whatever they want. Come late, they can do it. Ain’t going to be no problem. “Go on, take your Christmas “and your New Year, take all your vacation.” “Your job is still here. Come back when you want to.” “Your job is here.” You could get killed. “Your job is still there.” Oh my god, brother. They are trying to pick somebody to play Elizabeth Taylor. They can forget it. Ain’t nobody pretty enough. Who’s pretty enough to play Elizabeth Taylor? They going to show that b!tches old movie. None of them white b!tches in Hollywood, with all that fake shit, they can’t play Liz. Liz wasn’t fake. That was a pretty ass white woman, and big ass titties, real titties. That we never saw, just cleavage and diamonds, and rubies. That b!tch worked them big titties. We never saw ’em. Now, them hundred men she married, they saw them big ol’ titties! Liz is too pretty. They can’t find nobody. I’m sorry, brother. There ain’t nobody that comes god damn close. She too pretty. They’ll have to show her old movies. She was a freak of nature ’cause she was English. You know the English are not attractive. Starting with that ugly ass queen. That’s an ugly b!tch. Come on, be real. That b!tch look like sheep shit in shallow ass water. She ugly, her mama was ugly, her daddy was ugly, her son is ugly, his new wife look like Dane Edna. These some ugly motherfuckers. Keep it real! Ugly! If she’s the queen, what the fuck does the witch look like? Ugly b!tch! Ain’t going to get me to say that b!tch is cute. ‘Cause she white, you want me to, she’s a… No, ugly ass, stank, look like a billy goat. She looks like Chelsea’s mama. Ooh, my ass! That’s another ugly white b!tch. She ugly. She’s ugly by white standards. Here own race say she ugly, but don’t be made at me. She ugly! I saw the wedding veils, of so many god damn veils, she don’t want no helicopters at the wedding. No cameras, b!tch! That’s don’t want to do, now. Y’all are scared. You’re scared! Master, Paul goin’ get us in trouble, Master. That b!tch is ugly! You be scared! I ain’t scared! I ain’t scared. White folks love you when you’re scared. There’s only two kinds of black people in America, today. You either running free, or you running scared. How you running? I’m not dumb. Race has nothing to do with color. I ain’t stupid. ‘Cause there’s a bunch of you black-anglo-saxons. Their skin is black, but that brain is white. When I get mad at you guess what I call you? You graham cracker motherfucker. Dr. Laura going to make me like Mel Gibson. And, you know he’s crazy as cat shit. Another one that pisses me off, that god damn prostitute over there in Alaska. That hoe ass b!tch! That tramp ass b!tch! Hoe, hoe! I’m from the streets. I was raised with pimps. I know a hoe when I see one. Hoe, slut, tramp, no respect! Don’t have no respect for Obama. Up there talking about God and all that perpetrating, little devil worshiping b!tch. She don’t fool me. A hoe. Talking about she can see Russia from her window. No, b!tch. You can see ’em in your bedroom. You’re fucking them motherfuckers! You tramp ass b!tch! A hoe, tramp, slut, hoe. Suck a dick, b!tch, and do Playboy. She don’t have no respect for my black president, and I don’t have a god damn respect for her whorish ass. The apple don’t fall far from the tree. The daughter’s a hoe too, another hoe. That white boy wasn’t going to marry that tramp. He just wanted the pussy. He was playing that b!tch. Now, that old white woman ain’t had none of them babies. That young girl had all them babies. That’s why one of them’s illy formed. Keep the shit real. Keep this shit real! I’m taking you back. You know illy formed. You know what I’m talking about. It’s dark up there nine months out the year. That’s all they do is fuck up there. Ain’t nothing up there but hoes and vampires. I see some of your black faces. Oh, master. Paul’s goin’ get us in trouble, master. Master. Is we sick, master? This oil. This oil. I didn’t know oil scared white folks. I would’ve spilt some oil along time ago. Always messing up shit and want somebody to help. That white man’s so good at tearing up shit, ruining shit, the atmosphere and everything. Just fucks up everything, then wants you to hold hands and sing, and help him, and green, and saving the polar bears, there’s only two and help. If I see a polar bear, it ain’t going to be but one, I’ll kill it. Helping that white man. I didn’t help you fuck this up. I ain’t helping you cleaning up shit. When I leave my house, I turn all the water on. Hope there ain’t no water when I get back home. I drive all day up and down that freeway, just throwing shit out. Pick this up, pick this up. All that shit you see out there on the freeway, I’m the one throwing that shit out. He want you to hold hands, and sing, and green. I’m not into all that. Fuck that. He loves to tear shit up, and then sing about he wants you to help him. ‘Cause white folks like it when it was white, that’s when they’re the most happy. That’s when they’re at their most happiest. You got to study their body language, when they were running this shit back in the day. Go back. Go back to Miss America, remember? Remember Bert Parks, remember? White people were in white heaven. Oh, there… The body language. There she is Miss America! Sing it, Bert! Oh, there she is… And she was blond, they were white white. Miss… They were so happy. They tickled just tickled pink. Miss America. Sing it, Bert! Get it, Bert! Oh, there… And, I told you God always has to intervene. God got involved in that, and made Miss America black five years, straight in a row, remember? You remember. You remember. White folks fired Bert Parks. They got mad. “There’s going to be no more singing.” “Get your ass out! We don’t need you!” Bert Parks got fired. It became verbal, and it was mean. “There she is.” “Oh, black thing. There she is.” “Officer, there she is, officer.” They were not into that. But God always gets involved. Who’s that Miss USA? The little white drug-addict, remember her? I loved her! Wasn’t she your favorite? That was my favorite Miss whatever it was. Hun, what’s your talent? My favorite, my favorite. See that little white girl. That little big lip, white girl. She was in Miss what was it? Miss something. Just recently, and she lost ’cause they asked her a question about Arizona, and she said, “Yeah, states should have its rights.” They voted against her. They got pissed off. She lost. She was cute. The little foreign girl won, but that little white girl was cute. She could have won. I wish she let me write for her. She would’ve won. All she had to say is, my Indian friend said they hope everybody goes home. She would have won! The press would’ve ate it up! Brilliant, diplomatic, but she had to be a stupid b!tch. “States should have their rights.” States do not dominate human rights. It don’t work that way. Just read history. It don’t work. I want to tell you this, I’m not dumb. I do race, and I talk about… It has nothing to do with me. I’m reacting to my environment that I’m in, all of it. It’s not a clean up. I understand it, but I’m not stupid. I know that we are all in this together, black, white, fat, skinny, whatever it is. Because trust me, we are either going to hang together or we going to hang separately. But guess what kids. We’re going to hang! Because these motherfuckers up in that politics, are crazy! They don’t give a damn about nobody. We should have a revolution every four years. We should go up in that White House and chop off heads. They’d act right then. Every four years, we go in and chop some heads off. Hurry, hurry! Put the money back! They’re coming! Put the money back! ‘Cause they thing they can just say and do whatever they want to, that we don’t count. Look at history. No outside country attacked Russia. Russia fell what? Internally. Because the way they were treating their people. This race shit is going to be our downfall. If we don’t get this shit together, we at war right now. We at war. Those people are fish bowling us. We at war! We talking democracy and freedom, and they watching our every fucking move. This racial shit, we better put it on hold. We could get back to it after the war, but we better put this shit on hold. ‘Cause I travel all over the world, all over the god damn United States, and I remember when going to the airport and all that was fun. Now, I get sick, stomach ache, cramps. I get fucked up when I got to go to the god damn airport. When I used to leave the county back in the day, before 9-11, I leave the country, I get into another country, I’d be there five minutes and I’ll have an accent. Be there in France and England, I come back with an accent in five minutes. Well, the shit has changed. Now, I leave with an accent. No English. No English. Did you get your census papers? It’s against the law if you don’t mail it back. Did you know that? What they ask you? What’s the first thing they ask you? Any Indians in the house? These white folks are still looking for Indians. I got on the phone. I called them. I said, I thought you killed them all! ‘Cause remember when we was kids? One little, two little, three little… Remember, we was killing them motherfuckers. There ain’t none now, remember? One little, two little, three… Remember? Now, you have to go. If you put down, yeah there are three Indians in my house, that next morning. Yes. We’ve come for the Indians. Them motherfuckers want some Indians. I tried to figure it out. I said, how come these white folks hate Indians so much. I figured it out. You cannot make an Indian a slave that’s why. Indians go catatonic on your ass. There not going to move until you open up that casino. Trump and the boys did not want those Indians to have casinos. They had propaganda. They had commercials. They did not want… It was okay for the white folks to have them. They didn’t want those Indians to have them. I don’t know if they came here, but in California and New York, they were on TV every 10 minutes. I can’t make this shit up. I ain’t this good. “The Indians.” “They made over 80 million dollars this year.” “They’re not paying taxes.” “I didn’t vote for that.” White folks showed that. I said, how come they can’t let the Indians make their commercial. The white man stole our land. They’re not paying rent. I didn’t vote for that. How ’bout that? How ’bout that? Indians were no joke! Indians were not punks. They rode horses bareback. That’s some macho, tough, bad motherfucker. I’m talking about, they rode them four or five years. You think you’re bad and macho. Go ride a horse bareback right now. Do it for 15 minutes. You will be in the hospital for two years, all your shit will be fucked up. You’ll have to get skin graphs, new balls. Go on! 15 minutes! You tough! Go ahead, bareback! They were no joke, and the bow and arrows were no joke either. If they had guns, we’d all be sitting here with a piece of pipe and feathers. Bow and arrows were no joke. Them white folks be on them stage coach. “Haven’t seen my family in eight months.” “I can’t wait to get home.” Don’t you black people think you the first person the white man put out there to pick cotton. You weren’t the first. There was a huge audition for that. They put the white folks out there. They b!tched, they complained about the sun. They wanted their lawyers. I’m not going to sing and pick cotton. You’re not fucking my wife. This is bullshit! They complained and complained, and they got rid of them. Chinese ran off. Mexicans kept picking oranges. No, cotton! Amigo, cotton! Here we come, picking ’em and singing. My god! They’re singing. They must like it. God knows what He’s doing. Look at the full picture. God picked us to be the slaves because we could handle it. That’s why, we could handle it. We the baddest race on the planet. If the white folks would’ve been slaves, the shit would’ve ended in 20 minutes. Chains, and it’s not gold! Call my lawyer! Get your things, Susan. We’re out of here. You know, I am the very first person to say that Clinton, President Clinton, was a black person. I did it on the Apollo. I have it on film. I did. Everybody sound bited it, and recycled, and hopped on that shit, and pretended it came from them. That was me. I had a whole list to why I thought he was black. I’ve changed it since then. He’s a pimp. He makes pimp moves. The government, everybody trying to get them Asian girls, remember? They would not give them up. He went over like a pimp. Give me my b!tches, and they gave ’em up. You know, his M.O. It was some dick sucking on that plane. You know he told them Asian girls. Let’s make this a happy ending. I love me some Madonna! I went to Vegas. I love some Madonna. That old b!tch. I love Madonna. I love her ’cause she stole that black baby from Africa. When over there, vogue, vogue, vogue. Africans were fascinated with her moves. Vogue! They looked up, and that black baby was gone. You seen her with that black baby! It looks scared! Like it’s looking for it’s real parents. I love Madonna ’cause she’s real, and she’ll change up on your ass. She was over there in England faking it for 10 years, married to an English man. Yes, of course. It’s England, and tea time. Then reality set in. Madonna said, “Wait a minute.” “Let me divorce this motherfucker.” “This tea ain’t for me.” She said, “I’m going home. I want some dick.” “I want some big dick, thick dick.” “I’m going home.” She got that ballplayer. What’s his name? Yeah! She fucking him like a virgin. Get him, Madonna. It was funny up until she was fucking that brother. Y’all got real quiet. Where in the hell are these diseases coming from? Now they got some new shit on TV. Where these diseases coming from? The flu, the swine, the this, the lyme. Where this shit come from? All of sudden, all these god damn diseases. Where was these diseases when we could’ve used them? In slavery. Master, I’s a slave? I got alzheimer’s. Master, I forgot. Where was this shit when we could use it? What’s that shit, you just say shit? Tourette? What is it called? Yeah. Whatever that shit’s called. What’s it called? – Tourette. – Fuck you, Master! Fuck you! Where is this shit when we could’ve used it? What’s the stuff you get with your hands? What is it called? Yeah! Master, I can’t. I got carpal tunnel. I can’t pick cotton, master. Master, I got Michael Jackson disease. You know white folks don’t pick cotton. Where is this shit when we could’ve used it? You know the one thing. You know the one thing… You ain’t going to even guess why. You know the one thing about white people that really pisses me off about white people? And really insults me. Their cooking shows. These motherfuckers can cook! Have you seen their shows? They cook their ass off! But back in slavery, they act like they couldn’t boil water. I can’t boil water. Let Aunt Jemima do it. She’s sick. Well, get Uncle Ben to do it. I can’t do this. They must’ve been in the bedroom making so much fun about us while we down there cooking. You motherfuckers think we can’t cook. Ain’t that a b!tch. They can cook they ass off. All that time, tricking us. Some dirty motherfuckers. Watch the shows! Every fucking channel. Am I wrong? Cooking this, cooking that. I said, look at this shit! These motherfuckers can cook! It’s dumb. Always trying to keep people fucking dumb. Why they all… This racial profiling, why they all acting shock like this is new? Shooting in the back, all this bullshit. Why is this new? When have you ever read where an off duty, black cop, has shot a white cop in the back? Never! Never! It don’t happen. It doesn’t happen, but it sure happens the other way around. And, who hates who? White folks are safe in our neighborhood. They could walk around at night naked. We ain’t safe in theirs. Keep it real. Who hates who? Do you live here? That racial profiling shit. Do you live in the area? Do you? What is where I live have to do with this red light? Here’s my license, my registration, my insurance, what is all this other shit? What does it matter where I work? Where are you going? I’m driving ’til I run out of gas. I don’t have to tell you where I’m going. No, sir. We’re just curious. If I tell you where I’m going, I’m going to get in trouble. Why is that, sir? ‘Cause I’m on my way to your house, b!tch. Every minority in here, you all have got stories. You know the police, and what they talk, and the way they act, and the shit they’ve said, and the dis-refucking-respect, and the craziness. I cannot make this up. I’m not this good. I’ve been in the car with a car full of white folks. I’m riding shotgun. They pull us over. The police ask me for my license. I’m not even driving this motherfucker! Then asking the white folks, are you safe? Are they safe? I could be in a car full of white folks, help, help! Police will come by, “Shut up! You must’ve did something!” I’m in the car, two seater, Mercedes, Hollywood. The Mercedes cost 150 thousand, them bad motherfuckers. My drunk, rich, white friend, and I’m glad the police pulled us over, this motherfucker’s drunk. They take me to jail. I said, He’s drunk! “You influenced him. Come with us!” Then, you got to be double-jointed, and in the circus to pass that driving test. That drunk thing, you know. Put your leg up, touch your, go backwards, bend over, stretch over, say your ABCs in German, French, and African. Then, you get out, and the drunk test they scare you to death. “WALK A STRAIGHT LINE!” I ran. Don’t give me no head start. It’s dark too. They still standing there. “I guess he wasn’t drunk.” It’s hard being black. I’ve been black for a long time. I’m tired, I’m exhausted. I could go to the emergency hospital right now and just drop dead. What happened? He was tired of being black. It’s hard! Got to go through all kind of bullshit every fucking day of your god damn life! I’m going on an interview. You know I can’t make this up. I got a shirt and tie, you know how we do, when we trying to get something. I’m dressed up, and I got my car parked to a white woman. She dressed. This white woman sees me. I can’t make this up! Turns around and runs! I chased that b!tch for 15 blocks. She took her shoes off running! If she’d have been in the Olympics, she would’ve won all the god damn gold. We go in the store. We start a parade. They start talking in tongue, we pass by shit. I’m in New York, I’m coming to do somebody’s show at a five star hotel, and I’m getting… It’s seven in the morning, and I’m getting on the elevator. A woman, she’s about 36, latin, she’s getting off, and she says to me, “Can I help you?” I said, can you help me? Who in the fuck are you? “I’m the maid on the 5th floor.” I said, well b!tch go make up a bed, and get the fuck out my face. She was telling me, I’m not where I’m suppose to be. B!tch! It doesn’t have to be white people. It can be black people. I’m in first class up at the god damn airport. The b!tch going to tell me, “Do you know what line you’re in?” I said, b!tch do I look like Stevie Wonder? I know what line I’m in, and you can’t wait on me. Get your fucking manager! I don’t like your attitude, the way you talk. Listen, when I get a god damn first class ticket that fucking machine they all know everything. They know it before I get up there. They know. Ask me no god damn, silly ass question. I get in first class and the stewardess going to come up to me and say, “Can I see your first class ticket?” I said, yes. But I ain’t pulling it out my pocket, but I’m saying, yes. “Can I see it?” I go, yes. “Well, give it to me.” I said, I will when you ask everybody else on here to see theirs. She came back muted. ‘Cause white folks are slick with words, they’ll get you. This what they’ll say to you, “When is the first time you had syphillis?” They won’t ask you, have you ever had it? That’s a different question. I was like, I think 16, maybe not 17, and a psychiatrist was talking to me. The psychiatrist got to talking about sex and all this other stuff, right. So, I thought he was playing the dozen because he said, “Well have you ever “seen your mama naked?” Now, you know you don’t talk about my mama. I said, well motherfucker, have you ever seen your mama’s sloppy ass pussy? I started playing the dozen with this motherfucker. I said, your mama’s stinky, motherfuckin’ ass. When I left the office, I told them, there’s a freak up in that motherfucker! My mama! You know I went off! White folks can’t ask me, you’ve seen me on that tube, you can’t ask me too much. You better stay away from me when you get to asking questions. Ask somebody else ’cause I’m getting ready to off! I was on some show, The Talk Room, some shit, and white boy got in my face. “Well, what is it you want from me, Paul?” I said, I want your mama, b!tch! That’s what I want. If you’re going to declare war, declare it. I was on CNN. CNN goes all over the world. Pigmies watch CNN. It’s about the N word. The white woman went all up in my face. “Now, Paul.” “When someone white says the N word…” No, it doesn’t bother me. She got mad. She wanted to hear some other shit. She kept coming, I said to myself, I’m going to get this b!tch. “Well, Paul. It doesn’t bother you, why?” And, she was close enough to kiss me. I said, why. ‘Cause I like a little salt on my cracker. I called that b!tch a cracker, and she dropped the mic, and all the lights went off. It was 20 cameras and 90 lights while they was saying the N word. Minute I called that b!tch a cracker, everything shut down. Then they asked me about BET. “Well, why do you go on BET, Paul?” “What do you think?” Like, they used to own us. “Thanks, Paul.” White folks are slick. Then they said this. White folks are slick. “Now, Paul. We know there’s a racial problem.” “What if you can handle it, you can control it, “how would you handle it?” Now it’s a clean up time. It’s cooning time. I’m suppose to coon now. The coon door opened. I said, how? Kill every white person on this planet. They said to end racism. That’s the only way. “Well, Paul. You couldn’t mean that?” “Your mother could be white.” I’d have to kill that b!tch too. “Well, Paul. Can’t we be friends?” Yeah, when I get even. I’m going to wear the tight shoe, and you ain’t no better than me, you going to wear the tight shoe too. ‘Cause human beings are a trip. He could be my best friend. I could go to him and say, my brother’s fucking my wife, and he’ll go, “That’s the most horrible “and saddest thing I’ve heard this year.” But if I go to him and tell him, my brother’s fucking your wife. He’ll go, “I’m going to kill that motherfucker!” See the difference? See the difference? Race means everything in America. When you have the complexion for the protection, for the collection, that white skin will protect you. That’s why when I see homeless white people I just start crying. What a waste of white skin. Everybody talks crazy when it comes to race. You black people talk real crazy. “My Indian grandmother…” Fuck you and your Indian grandmother. Always leaving Africa out the picture ’cause that’s a negative to you. Well, it should be the positive, but it’s the negative. We got to re-brainwash ourselves. We have to re-brainwash ourselves. Race. Hawaiians, we’re Samoans. Yeah, some more black people. The Filipinos, negritos. And you black people from the islands, I don’t care if you right up here. You think that you’re better than us ’cause they dropped you off first. Don’t let the Asians fool you. Rice didn’t come from them. Rice came from Africa. We introduced rice too white folks to in slavery. We threw the rice at the Asians. They were terrified. “Don’t touch it. Pick it up with sticks.” The rest is history. Race is a trip. Mexicans was thinking they was white folks. They forgotten about the Alamo. The burrito can stay. You have to go motherfucker. Vámanos, ándale, pronto! Race is deep. All my Puerto Rican friends, “I’m Spanish.” Oh, a tall Mexican. “No, I mean I’m Spanish.” I thought that was a language. What am I speaking? – English. – Couldn’t I talk crazy? – I’m English, really I am. I speak it. I rest my case. Everybody gets it twisted. If you take an African zebra to Canada, it does not make it a Canadian zebra. It makes it an African zebra living in Canada. Don’t get it twisted. Don’t get it twisted. Salsa is an African love dance. It’s not up for discussion. It’s what the fuck it is. Keep it real. Keep it fucking real. Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Cubans, ain’t nothing but black folks that can swim. Africans, I can’t stand Africans. I don’t like Africans ’cause they have attitude. They have attitude towards us, and they act like they mad at us. You got it twisted. We are mad at you. We waited, and nobody came for us! You punk motherfuckers! Any other race would’ve declared war on America, and asked for their people back. Africans wrote us off like a bad check. Then they going to show up 400 years later with a briefcase full of watches. I don’t need no god damn watch. I KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS! I don’t know if it was NBC or CBS, one of them white shows, networks, they had it on there about kids and race. Everybody went into shock. Just recycling and coping that black woman and young black girl that did the doll test. Our little black kids, they’re brainwashed. We’ve got work to do, black folks. They think black is evil, and ugly, and bad. I saw that shit. They just asked the wrong questions. I wish I could’ve been there. Where’s the little serial killer doll? The white one. Where’s the little doll that tell lies? The white one. Where’s the little doll that steals all the money? The white one. They’d a told me to get the hell out the room. “You leave! We don’t have enough white dolls!” “Get out of here!” Where’s the little rich doll that does drugs and goes to jail? The white one. Where’s the little doll that fucks the president? The white one. The children, the children! Listen to them. They’re trying to talk to us. Listen to the children. They’re speaking. The children are speaking. They’re speaking. The children are speaking. A six-year-old girl walked into her mother’s bedroom, and mama was giving daddy head like Linda Lovelace. She was with her seven-year-old friend. She went into shock, said, “Would you believe that b!tch beat my ass for sucking my thumb?” The children, listen to them. A 12-year-old girl, sit down and write a letter with her mother, to God. She wanted a bicycle, said, “Dear, God.” “I want a motherfucking bike.” Her mother was in shock. “Are you a gang member?” “Where did you learn to talk like that?” “We’re catholic, we’re christians.” “You go to mass, you confess and you come back.” The little girl went to mass, she confessed. You’ve been up in there. She saw those statues of Jesus and Mary, she stole them both. She went home. She said, “I’m going to write a letter to God.” “Dear, God.” “I got your son, his mama, “and I want my motherfucking bike.” The children, listen to them. A 12-year-old boy walks into his daddy’s bedroom. Daddy’s giving mama, pumping her, not missing a beat, tearing it up. Little boy’s in shock. It’s his mother. Daddy looks over at his son. He don’t care. He just laughs. Keeps stroking her and winks. 12 weeks later, he goes into the little boy’s bedroom. Little boy’s got grandma spread eagle tearing it up. Daddy’s like you, in shock. Little boy looks at his daddy said, “Ain’t so funny when it’s your mama, huh?” Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. * * * Awesome! It was wonderful. It was incredible. I mean, Paul Mooney, he’s classic. Enlightening, absolutely enlightening. Paul Mooney is the best, man. He keeps it real. That’s what I like about the brother. He keeps it real, and he’s a legend. Paul, what I’ve loved about you so much is that you really are just an incredible political satirist. Let’s talk about our president. Who? Bush? Barack Obama. They killed him the same night he won. What do you mean? Is that a fake Barack Obama out there. That is an android. A who? Hit the music! That’s a robot. You haven’t seen them white folks movies? The government’s on their way, right now. The show was off the chain. Paul Mooney’s a legend. My stomach hurts from laughter. I’m tired. He wore us out. We’re clowning in the backstage area of the legendary Paul Mooney. That’s right, legendary writer, also a legendary comedian himself. He had a lot of funny stuff. I know he had the one about if black people could fly, they’d all look like crows. We love Paul Mooney! We love Paul Mooney!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AZIZ ANSARI: BURIED ALIVE (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-buried-alive-2013-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen… Aziz Ansari! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be really good. I have one prepared which is convenient ’cause we’re filming and everything. Uh, so, let’s begin. I, uh, turned 30 years old this year. Yes, it’s been a good year. I have found this year to be the year where a lot of my friends are getting serious about their lives. You know, they call me up. They say serious things. They’re like, “Aziz, you’re not gonna believe it! I just had a baby!” And I always have the same reaction. I always go, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That sucks! “I’m so sorry that happened. “Why weren’t you guys not using condoms or birth control? “You’re gonna have to take care of that thing forever! “All right, well, I’ll talk to you later. “I’m going to go do literally anything I want, “’cause I don’t have a baby “so all my options are still options.” I hate those phone calls. I also hate those emails. Your friends send in those emails. They’ll attach a photo of the baby. They’ll write something cute to welcome the baby. “Hey, everyone! Welcome Lindsay to the Universe!” I always just write back, “Unsubscribe.” Yes, I don’t recall signing up for this mailing list. Please remove me from all future updates. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw your baby in my trash. And now everyone has video cameras on their phones and everything so you can get videos of the babies. Every single video I’ve gotten is exactly the same though. Kid shows up on the screen. End of clip. That’s the amazing footage they needed to share with everyone. “Brian’s first steps!” Look, I walk all the time. I’m not impressed. I’m gonna start sending my own clips back. “Look at this shit. “Brian has nothin’ on this! He has no swagger in his step. He almost fell down after three steps.” Meanwhile, I’m running advanced shit. I can high-step. I can run if I want to. I can even tip-toe behind Brian, push him on the ground and then step on him with my next step. So, that’s how advanced my shit is. Some of these people aren’t ready to have kids, either. You know, you ever have friends like that? They’re about to have kids. You’re like, “What?! No! They’re dumb. Why? I got a friend. He got married recently. He’s kind of a goofball. I asked him, I said, “Hey, you’re not gonna have kids, are you?” He’s like, “Maybe next year.” I was like, “Dude, “you still have a chain wallet. “You can’t have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time. “Ah, if your wallet is causing you so much problem you have to chain it to your person… you’re not ready to bring life into the world. If you go to like, pay for the baby with a chain wallet, they should like, Oh, no, no, no. we got to put this one back– Whoop!” I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. If someone came up to me with a baby like, “Hey, you got to look out for this baby.” I be like, “Sorry, I got my own things going on right now. I don’t have time to look out for this little, brown baby.” In this scenario, I’m assuming it’s a little Indian baby. If it was a white baby I’d be like, Get that thing away from me. It’s disgusting!” White babies are gross, man! I’m sorry! They’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet. And look, I’m 30 years-old. That’s a totally reasonable age to have a kid, but to me it’s still terrifying, you know. They have that show 16 and Pregnant. They’re should be a show called 25 and Pregnant. I’d be like, “Oh, no, those poor kids! “They have their whole lives ahead of them. It’s a shame things turned out that way. What happened?” “Me and my husband decided to start a family.” “Bbp! Irresponsible decisions.” That show is the most depressing television show I’ve ever seen. ‘Cause You know, any other reality show where there’s like a big fat guy or something and at the end of the episode he’s eating right, he’s exercising. You’re like, “All right, things are gonna get better. “Yeah, things are gonna get better. Good job TV show. Things are gonna get better.” 16 and Pregnant and you’re like, “Whoa, that’s never getting better.” The only good thing that happened this week was the guy almost got a job at Arby’s… and the girl won a fistfight with her mom. This is brutal. And they don’t do anything nice for the kids at the end of the show. There’s no money. There’s no new house. Come on, do something for those kids. Like maybe at the end of each episode Xzibit could show up. And the kids would be like, “Oh, my God. “Xzibit, are you here to pimp our rides?” And he’d be like, “No, I’m gonna raise your baby as my own! You’re free to go back as being teenagers!” And they’d be like, “Thank you, Xzibit. Thank you so much for our lives!” Then Xzibit would take the baby and put it on a bus with all the other babies he’s collected, and then you do a second show about Xzibit trying to raise 30 babies by himself. I, I do find the 16 and Pregnant show kinda mean-spirited. You know, ’cause you got a camera crew there, like, “All right, you don’t have any money. “No one’s helping you raise your children. “All hope is lost… And, cut! “Good luck with everything. We got to go. “Let’s go! Sorry. “There’s this other 16-year-old girl “that lives down the street “that had all the advantages in life. “She’s about to have an amazing birthday party. “We’ve got to film that for a second show called Super Sweet 16. It’s a shame you guys can’t switch places for a week ’cause her shit is sweet.” Ugh, I hate the girls on Super Sweet 16. Whenever I watch that show I’m like, “Ugh, could someone impregnate this girl and ruin her life please?” What an awful person. That’d actually be a better show. If they just did horrible stuff to that girl for a week. “Meet Amanda. She’s 16 and horrible. “So we cut the brakes in her car. “We put a bunch of holes in her condoms. Let’s see what happens this week.” Do those girls not watch the other show? Do they not realize how fortunate they are? They’re sit there complaining about the dumbest stuff just like, “But, but, but, it’s not the right car. It’s not the car I wanted.” They just moved into a car on the other show. Three people are living in a ’89 Honda Civic Coupe. There’s more people than doors. “But the lights aren’t right.” Their kid isn’t right. Their kid has a tooth coming out of his nose, and they can’t pay for a dentist with a tooth in his mouth. The kid’s gonna have to brush his nose for the rest of his life. “But, but, but the balloons aren’t the right color.” Their kid isn’t the right color. They had the wrong father. That’s how crazy shit’s getting over there! It’s a perspective. Do any of you guys have kids? A round of applause if you got kids somewhere? Wow Aren’t you scared your kid’s getting kidnapped right now? I mean, it’s like eleven O’clock on a Wednesday. Where is your kid?! Seriously. Where is the kid? Who’s watching the kid? Some dumb 15-year-old that lives down the street that’s probably just giving a hand job to some other 15-year-old idiot. Seriously, get out of here! Go! Leave! Leave! Go! You’re sitting there, “Ah, ha, ha, ha!” “Your kid’s in handcuffs!” Probably not. Maybe, but probably not. Look, I’m just saying. I would be worried constantly if I had a kid. I think about how much my mom let me run around when I was a kid. Ten years-old running around by myself… going to the mall, to the video arcade, to the toy store. Crazy. I should’ve been getting molested all the time. Like, I don’t know how it never happened. Not even once. Not even once. Keep in mind I was the cutest kid of all time. Like, take the most adorable little, brown puppy you can imagine, turn that into a person. That was me as a kid. I mean, who wouldn’t be trying to fuck that? Just an unbelievable level of cuteness. My theory is that I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters. Like for child molesters, I was kind of like the hot girl at the bar. They’re like, “Oh, my God, Aziz is here! Aziz is here! Aziz is here!” Okay, you can do this. You can do this. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. Confidence. Kids like confidence. Let’s do this. “Hi, Aziz!” “Hi.” That’s a, that’s a cool uh… Ha, ha, that’s a cool uh– That’s a great… All right, well, see you later. Ah! You’re so stupid! You didn’t even say anything! Who am I kidding anyway? This is Aziz we’re talking about. He could fuck any grown man he wants. You know what’s weird? As I can tell, you guys feel sad for the child molester in that joke. I could see it in your faces. You’re saying, “Ah, he’s not gonna get to fuck little Aziz. He seemed so nice.” You know what’s strange? At some point in your life you actually got to sit down and make sure you weren’t molested. ‘Cause it could be buried. That’s the thing. So at some point you actually got to sit down and think really hard. It’s like… “No, I wasn’t. My childhood was cool. I was mostly just playing with trucks.” ‘Cause it can be buried. If my stuff is buried, I want it to stay buried. I don’t want to wake up when I’m 43 and be like, “Oh, shit! I fucked my T-ball coach. Totally forgot about that– Buried.” You read these news stories. Man, there’s some sick people out there. You read these news stories. Some sick people. You read news stories like, like, “Oh, the soccer coach has molested the kids for years.” For years? Why do the kids keep going back to the same soccer camp? The only reason I ask that is ’cause I quit soccer ’cause another kid pushed me down on the ground. If I was forced to perform oral sex, I definitely would’ve been done. That would’ve been it for soccer. There’s no way I would’ve went back. That would’ve been a firm deal breaker… guitar lessons would’ve started next Tuesday. So… Wh-what, is my mom gonna get mad at me, “Hey, Aziz, you got to go to soccer practice.” “I’m not going.” “Really, young man? Why aren’t you going to soccer practice?” “Um, the coach is making all the kids suck his dick! “Is that enough reason for me not to go? “Is that enough reason? Oh, am I grounded now? “And no video games? I’ll take that over “an old man jizzing on my belly, “thank you very much. “So send me to my fucking room. I’ll be there not sucking some old man’s jig!” “Knock on my door when those cupcakes are ready.” You know what’s crazy is there must be kids that talk like that now. You know what I mean? ‘Cause kids aren’t innocent anymore. They know everything. In your head you imagine a kid being like, “Something bad happened.” Kids are like, “A cock was in my mouth, Mom! “Thanks for signing me up for golf! “It really got me out of the house! It also got a penis near my face! So thanks!” If there’s anyone here from the paper, feel free to quote that bit in your article. It’s a scary time to be a kid, man. I just saw this documentary about bullying. And I know you’re always hearing that. Oh, really, kids getting bullied in school, “that’s what they’re making a big deal about now?” That’s kinda what I thought going in, then I saw the documentary. First scene, kid is sitting on a bus, he looks at this other kid and goes, “Hey, how’s it going?” The kid goes, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your face off. “I’m gonna put it on my face “and then look in the mirror and make fun of myself. That’s how much I hate you.” So I saw that and I thought, All right, yep. This is a problem. Wow, that was terrifying! God damn, that’s not bullying and teasing, that’s some demented shit to say to another person. Bullying and teasing was the nonsense I did when I was a kid. “Hey, you’re fat.” “Hey, you’re brown.” “Shut up, you bozo!” “Get out of here, you dingdong.” That’s fine. Do that all day, no one’s gonna get hurt. I would’ve never went up to some fat kid and been like, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your fat off… “then use it to make a fat suit and then dress up “as a fat housekeeper ala Mrs. Doubtfire. And then I’m gonna start working for your family.” No. That was a psycho zone everyone agreed not to go into. And it’s so hard to see this documentary because nothing happens to the bully kids. They’re beating the crap out of the kid, saying this awful stuff, nothing happens. That wouldn’t fly in the adult world. That wouldn’t be tolerated in any workplace or anything like that. Like, that wouldn’t fly in Ikea. Like if you worked at Ikea and you went up to some other employ like, “I’m gonna murder you, you fucking dork!” They be like, “All right Phil, you can’t sell lamps anymore. Now get out! You’re done! Get out!” “But look at him. He’s a nerd!” “You’re a psychopath! Get your meatball severance package and leave!” I felt so bad for the kids, man. They would try to tell the teachers. Teacher wouldn’t do anything. Kid goes up to the teacher and says, “Uh, he says he’s gonna cut my arms off and glue ’em on my butt so I can look like a minotaur.” Teacher is like, “Ah, well, maybe he won’t do it. See ya later.” Do something, man. I remember one time when I was a kid and someone actually physically hit me when I was growing up in South Carolina. I’ll never forget what happened. Kid hits me. I go tell the teacher right way. Teacher goes over to the kid immediately and just goes, “If you touch him again I will end you.” And that was it. Bullying done. No one’s ever bothered me again in my life. She scared everyone on earth. ‘Cause that’s how the bullying should be handled. ‘Cause that kid was like, “All right, well, “I don’t want to be ended, whatever the fuck that means! I’ll leave him alone.” Having a kid is a crazy gamble. No one ever talks about it in terms of being a gamble, but it is. Think about what position in life you’re in when you decide to have a kid. It’s usually a very safe position. You know, you’re married, you found a mate. That’s huge. You usually have a job and a home. That’s very difficult to lock down. It’s like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle and then you’re just like, “Fuck this puzzle! Let’s have a kid!” And then the kid just shits all over the puzzle. The puzzle is ruined. You’re never putting it back together again. It’s destroyed. And now you have this kid. And here’s the gamble– here’s the scary part. You can do everything right, you can read all the books, and you could still have a total piece of shit kid. You could have the worst kid. You could have one of the bully kids. That could be your kid. You don’t know. You could have a total piece of shit. Teacher’s like, “Ah, your son…” “Yeah, I know. He’s shitty, okay? “I hang out with him all the time. “He’s the worst. What do you want me to do, huh? “I have to feed and shelter him “or I get thrown in jail for some reason. “Ooh, I’m sorry he’s ruining your mornings. “Guess who hangs out with him on afternoons and weekends? Me. So how about a little sympathy for me.” “Well, sir, have you thought about–” “No! There’s nothing to think about. “There’s nothing to do, okay? It’s not his diet. “He doesn’t have too much glutin. “He’s just shitty, okay?! Some people are nice. Some people are shitty. “My kid is shitty, all right? I’ve accepted it, all right? “I made a mistake, okay? “I gave up my best years raising this monster! “I could’ve started a band! I play bass! “But no, I didn’t do that. Instead I have this thing. “Ooh, something that looks like me and my wife put together. “Uh, great. Eat your vegetables. “Can I throw a baseball at your face and you catch it half the time? Fuck me!” Now, I’m not saying I don’t like kids. I like kids. I have fun hanging out with my friends kids, and joking around with them– whatever. They’re great. But I do feel like when I talk to my friends that recently had kids, it does seem they had to give up everything for the kid, and that’s very scary. You want to have a very depressing conversation? Talk to a couple that just had a kid. Ask them about the last night they went out for themselves. They will describe the most boring typical mundane evening out with the same enthusiasm a normal person will describe a three-way sexual experience. I’ll show you what I mean. Over here, a guy describing a three-way sexual experience, over here, a couple that just had a kid. “So we go back to my house, “I got these two really hot girls. “So we go to the mall I got two tickets to Rango“… I know what you’re thinking. Aziz, shouldn’t you update that to a more recent film? No. These people go to movies that are as old as shit. They’ve been trying to see Rango for a couple of years now. Next thing you know, they’re taking their clothes off. Next thing you know, we’re eating nachos. Skin is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. These girls were freaks… Into freaky things such as cheese. Let me get a sense of you guys as an audience. Clap if you’re married right now. Clap if you’re married. You guys here in the front. How long did you guys know each other before you got married? Five years? That’s always an interesting figure to me how long people knew each other before they got married. Clap if you knew your person five years or less. Okay. Clap if it was three years or less. All right. Clap if it was two years or less. We’re all laughing ’cause you’ll probably get divorced. That was a crazy idea. Why’d you do that?! You didn’t need to do that. You could’ve just kept dating her. Wh– Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? What happened? Did you lose a bet or something? Look, of course, I could be totally wrong. You guys could be soul mates. I don’t know. But to me two years doesn’t seem like enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Two years? Two years? I’ve had sweaters for two years. You be like, “What the fuck am I doing with this sweater?” “Bbp, so stupid looking. “I can’t believe I ever thought about keeping that sweater for the rest of my life.” That’s a sweater. Another thing people do that scares me, they’ll marry their high school sweetheart. That’s strange to me. To meet someone when you’re like 16 years-old and just go, “All right, I’m done.” Well, I don’t think I’m gonna run into anyone interesting in my 20s or 30s. I’m just gonna lock this shit down now… for no reason at all. Think about all the dumb things you believed when you were that age. Think about all the stupid decisions you made. Imagine being stuck with any of those decisions for the rest of your life. Even just little things. All right, well, I guess I got this Bob Marley poster over my bed for the rest of my life. It’s cool though because I took a bunch of little photos of Bob Marley and I put it together to look like a big photo of Bob Marley. It’s a mosaic. I just don’t think you have any idea what your adult life is gonna be like when you’re 16 years-old. You realize how awful my life would be if it turned out the way that I thought it was going to when I was 16 years-old? You know what my big plan was? I was gonna go to college and major in Business and Biology. That was the plan. First I hit you with the business and you think it’s all done. And then I come back– Boosh!– Hit you with the Biology. What was I gonna do with this stupid double major?! Sell organs on the black market very efficiently? I have friends from college. They’re starting to get married. I went to one of the weddings and I asked the groom, I said, “Hey, why did you decide to get married?” He goes, “Well, I don’t know. We’ve been dating a few years now.” Wow! That’s a terrible way to answer that question! Especially with that tone and cadence. Well, I don’t know. That’s not the appropriate tone and cadence to answer that question. That’s the appropriate tone and cadence if someone’s like, “Hey, why’d you buy a FIJI water?” “Well, I don’t know. The bottle looked kinda cool.” Perfect. That’s a fantastic moment to use that tone and cadence. So well done… That’s also not a reason to get married, you know. “We’ve been dating a few years now.” I’ve been eating at the same taco stand for a few years now. I’m not gonna commit to that taco stand for the rest of my life. Everything’s following my current relationship with a taco stand. Now if the taco stand were to move into my apartment with me I might be up for that, ’cause then I’d have delicious tacos whenever I wanted but, the economics of taco stands wouldn’t allow such a thing. I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Aziz just compared women to tacos. He must not think that highly of women. No, I just think that highly of tacos. One thing I love about marriage though is the proposal. I think that is so sweet. Here’s this moment where you know you’re gonna change the life of yourself and this person you love forever and you can plan it out and you can make it the most beautiful amazing perfect moment. You don’t get to do that with most big moments in your life, but with the proposal you can. So, sir, five years guy, what did you do to make it the most beautiful amazing perfect special moment ever? Set the scene, okay? What city are we in? We’re in Philadelphia. Don’t feel like traveling too far. Let’s just do this shit in Philly. Okay, so we’re in Philadelphia. Where are we at in Philadelphia? At a five star restaurant– Don’t worry, not a three star– a five star. I like how you– You couldn’t wait to say “five star.” You’re like, “Five star restaurant!” We’re at a five star restaurant…Okay. And so, you’re at the five star restaurant and, you know, it’s dinner I imagine? “It was lunch”! Oh, shit! I should’nt have assumed! This is the shit you leave out. “Five star”… Maybe the lunch prix fixe won’t be a big deal. I mean, it’s the same food! They serve the dinner menu at lunch, guys! So lunch at the five star restaurant. I mean, at this point you got to wonder, Lunch at a five star restaurant. Dinner at a four star restaurant… I feel like, I feel like lunch loses a star. There’s no five star lunch restaurants. There’s four star lunch restaurants that operate as five star dinner restaurants. Okay, okay, we’re at lunch, five star restaurant… and what period of the meal do you decide to ask? ‘Cause that’s very difficult, you know? You can’t ask like, you know, before you order ’cause it’s like… What, he asked before you ordered?! What the hell? Isn’t that kind of a scary idea?! What do you want to have, the most awkward lunch of all time?! “No? Well, you want to split some jalapeno poppers? So you ask before you even order? Wow! And then, Miss, did you– what happened? Did you immediately say “yes”? What was the situation? You didn’t say anything?! Well, that’s even like more morbid than saying “no.” “Do you want to marry me?” All these people are looking at me, bitch. Say something. You didn’t say anything? Were you thinking about? Were you taken aback? What happened? You wanted to eat?! You wanted to eat? And were you down on one knee? You were down on one knee and you’re just waiting. And what’s going on through your head? “The breadsticks were coming out.” Hold up! What five star restaurant drops breadsticks on the table? Sir… I’m gonna ask you something… and I need you to be very honest with me right now. This restaurant… when it comes to their breadstick policy… does the word “unlimited” come to mind? I don’t even know what is happening. I have done this, I have done this in every city on my tour… this is the most bizarre shit ever. Did you see this coming at all? Did you know this was coming? Come on. Come on, now. Come on. It’s lunchtime… The waiter has dropped the breadsticks… We’ve all read this book. We know how this story goes. Now I’ve talked to people all over the country about their proposal stories, and you know what I learned? I learned that ultimately it doesn’t matter what you do for your proposals. Some people go and do this big grand gesture. Some people do simple, sweet things. Ultimately, what’s really beautiful is that you found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing you just asked them. It’s the most insane thing you could ever ask another person to do. It really is. It doesn’t seem as insane as it is ’cause we’re all familiar with marriage as an institution. But imagine if marriage didn’t exist and you’re a guy and you asked a woman to get married. Imagine what that conversation will be like. You be like uh, “Hey, so, you know, “we’ve been hanging out together, “spending a lot of time together…” “Yeah, yeah, I know.” “I wanna keep doing that ’til you’re dead.” “W-w-what?” “I wanna keep hanging out with you ’til one of us dies. “Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.” “W-what, w-what– Who’s that guy?” “It’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal.” “W-w-what’s he wheeling in?” “It’s a cake with two tiny dolls that look like us. “Eat a slice! Now feed a little bit to me!” “This is really strange. Why are we doing this?” “Tax purposes.” That’s pretty much what you’re asking. This is another thing that baffles me about people being opposed to gay marriage, you know. Here these people, they found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing and then some other person’s gonna be like, “No, it’s weird. I just– I just– I just think it’s weird.” It’s pretty much the only argument at this point really. I don’t see how you can really be opposed to gay marriage at this point. Like you know you’re on the losing side. There’s no way it’s not gonna go through. All the demographics that are really opposed to gay marriage. They’re all gonna be dead soon. Like, whenever they ask young people, young people are like, “What, what are you talking about? “All music is free right now. “What the fuck are you talking about? “Oh, two dudes are kissing? I’m about to watch every movie ever right now.” They don’t care at all. But seriously, how do you not know you’re on the losing team at this point? These are the same people that were opposed to like uh, women voting or black dudes playing baseball. What was the last thing they were opposed to? Interracial relationships. If you’re opposed to interracial relationships, guess what? I’m fucking white girls. There’s nothing you can do about it. Any time I have sex with a white girl, I think about those people for a few pumps and it’s such a great feeling. Just like– It’s just not right! Well, it’s in there so I don’t know what you’re gonna do about it. Seriously, all of you here, next time you have sex with someone of a different race, think about those people for a minute– you really should do this. It’s very important. It’s your duty as an American, and I promise you, nothing feels better than orgasming while thinking about all the progress we’ve made in civil rights in this country. I still can’t believe it’s an issue. It just baffles my mind. That whole Chick-fil-A situation… Whew! That was quite a conundrum for me. ‘Cause, you know, obviously I’m very pro-gay marriage, but, I’m also very pro-delicious chicken sandwich. It’s like, Ughh… What do you do?! I stopped eating Chick-fil-A. I’m never gonna eat Chick-fil-A. I don’t eat it anymore. That is the saddest thing you could ever applaud. “You are so brave, Aziz! “How you find the strength to resist those “delicious chicken sandwiches we will never know. “But you are a man of principle and we applaud you!” I mean, I still eat the nuggets all the time. So it’s not that hard. No, no, I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t. I don’t. But that was a strange situation, right? I was so jealous of homophobic people. Man, what a delicious way to support your hateful cause. I don’t have opportunities like that in my life. I wish I did. I wish the places that made food that I found so delicious, also took political stands I can get behind. Like my favorite place to get a cheeseburger is Shake Shack. I love Shake Shack. It’s so delicious. You realize how excited I’d be if I went to Shake Shack one day and they’re like, “Hey, just so you know, part of our profits now go towards fucking over people that work at United Airlines customer service.” “What? What? Yes! Yes! H-h-how are you doing this?” “Well, any time you buy a burger, “part of the money goes towards paying people on Craigslist to shit in their cars.” “That’s fantastic! Can I get 75 cheeseburgers, please?” I do want to get married at some point I think. I’m not sure when. I was in India recently and my grandma asked me, she goes, “Uh, Aziz, when are you gonna get married?” I was like, “Egh, I don’t know if you’ll be around.” She’s old! That was a fun trip. Uh, I spent a lot of time with a cousin of mine that lives there. He’s around my age. And it was really fascinating to me the dichotomy of our two lives. My life is totally different ’cause I was born and raised in America and he was born and raised in this poor part of India where my family is originally from. My family’s originally from a poor part of India. They’re not from the part of India ‘study abroad programs’ are based. They’re from like the South Carolina of India. It’s pretty rough. For real. Like the way you take a shower there. It’s not the way you take a shower here. The way you have to take a shower at their house is you fill a bucket with hot water and you take a smaller bucket and you pour the water on. That’s to conserve hot water. And it’s a little strange ’cause, you know, I jerk off in the shower on occasion. If you’re showering with the bucket method, you can’t jerk off in the shower. Uh, that silence is way too terrifying. Even people that jerk off in the shower here, no one turns the shower off and goes in the corner like this– Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat… No, that’s some serial killer shit. “Oh, so sorry, that noise I made, Dat-dat-dat… That’s not the noise it makes when a dude jerks off. Um… If some guy comes up to you and starts jerking off and he goes, Dat-dat-dat… Look out, that’s a robot from the future that’s been sent back in time to jizz in your face. But the thing about being there in India was, you know, I didn’t feel like jerking off… all the time. You know, because there’s was less sexuality there. Women are dressed more conservatively. There’s not like sexy posters and magazine covers everywhere. It’s a way different vibe. I came back to New York after that trip and I was like, “I wanna fuck everything!” There was just so much sex in your face constantly and I never realized just how desensitized I was. You know, I see the most graphic sexual imagery and it goes to my head like it’s nothing. I saw an ad for a gym in New York, this is a real ad for a gym. Okay, it’s an ad for Equinox gym. This guy is laying down on a couch, his clothes are coming off, shirt’s coming off, pants are coming off. There’s a woman straddling him, her clothes are coming off, and it’s just so sexual. Like it honestly looks like this woman was sucking this dude’s dick and someone was like, “Hey.” She’s like, “Huh?” And they took a photo. That’s how sexual it is. And I’m just sitting there looking at this and it’s like, How did this become an ad for a gym? This does not– How? This would not fly in India. They’d be like this, “This has nothing to do with gyms.” Please take this down. This is… This is a bit ludicrous. So how’d it become an ad? I’m not sure. At some point they must’ve had a meeting. They’re like, “All right, well, we need a new Winter campaign. “We need some ideas. Bruce, what do you got?” Here’s what I’m thinking. We have a gentleman on an exercise bike. He’s riding the bike and it says, “Ride Your Way To A Better You.” Hm, Bruce, I like that. I like the tag line. I like the imagery. That’s very nice. I like that a lot. Does anybody else have anything they want to pitch? David, what do you got? I just got a photo of two people fucking and underneath it I wrote “Equinox.” David, that’s fantastic! Let’s put those up all over town. Bruce, pack your shit up and get out of here. You’re done. So, my cousin is there in India. Totally different life, way more conservative lifestyle. I don’t think he’s dating or anything like that. He’ll probably have an arranged marriage. A lot of people in India still have arranged marriages. My dad had an arranged marriage. It was to my mom. That’s how they arranged it. And it’s interesting. Whenever I tell people that they’re always like, “Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? And they only ask that ’cause it’s an arranged marriage… Those questions are totally valid for any marriage. Those people are married– Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? See? It still makes sense. I read a little bit about arranged marriage. I read some research and stuff they’ve done. Very interesting. I found this study they did where they took couples that had arranged marriages and they took couples that had non-arranged marriages and they measured their happiness levels. In the first three to five years non-arranged couples were happier. But when I looked at it 25–30 years down the line, the arranged couples were happier. So, who knows? I don’t know. My parents are just as happy as any old white people I’ve ever run into. But, I don’t think I can do an arranged marriage. I talked to my dad about his experience and, uh, you know, he was like, “Well, uh, I met your mom and a week later we got married.” And I was like, “Whoa! How long did you talk to her for?” He’s like, “Hm…30 minutes.” Thirty minutes? “Like an episode of How I Met Your Mother 30 minutes? That’s how you met my mother?” Thirty minutes isn’t a lot of time, man. Think about all the crazy things you learn about people– weeks, months, years into a relationship. I be like I would get an arranged marriage and three weeks in I’d be like, “What, you don’t watch Game of Thrones? I knew shouldn’t have signed up for this shit. “We should’ve discussed DVR preferences. “What did you erase all my shows for? Celebrity Ghost Stories?” That’s a real show, by the way. They asked me to be on Celebrity Ghost Stories, but, uh, I said no, ’cause I haven’t seen any ghosts. I like ghosts though. Whenever you hear about ghosts it’s always the same kind of stories. You know… “Ghost was wearing old timey clothes. “Ghost was turning my lights on and off. “Ghost was turning my faucets on and off. Ghosts, I’m trying to sleep!” It’s like, all right, take it easy. These people died hundreds of years ago. They’ve never seen running water before. They’re blown away. They’re just sittin’ there… Where is the well? How is the water getting here?! All the ghosts come in here look at this. Now it’s dark– Bsch!– Now it’s not– Bsch! They’re not going “Boo”, they’re going, “Oooh, modern advances.” I hope I see a ghost at some point. ‘Cause if I see one, it would be very interesting ’cause I live in a modern building– a newer building– so if I saw a ghost, it would be like a modern ghost. You know, I would just wake up in the middle of the night, there’d be a dude in the corner texting. Boo. Those would be the best ghosts. Those would be the best ghost stories. You come home one day, you turn on your TV, you look on your Netflix. “What, Mad Men Season 5, previously viewed’? “I never watch– “Ghosts! They’re on Season 5!” Those would be the best ghosts. You wake up in the middle of the night, there’s some ghost standing over your bed. “What’s your WiFi password?” That was a long tangent on ghosts. But, I guess ultimately, what scares me about marriage is where do you find this person? You know, a lot of times most successful relationships, uh, people meet through work, school, mutual friends. But what’s most interesting to me is when people just meet in life, just randomly. You know, I have a friend, he got married. I asked him, I was like, “Hey, uh, where’d you meet your wife?” He was like, “I was leaving Bed Bath & Beyond. “I was looking for my car. I drive a gray Prius. “I saw a different gray Prius. I thought it was mine. “I walked up to it. I realized I had the wrong car. “But I bumped into Carol. We started talking. That was that.” That’s unbelievable. Think about all the random factors that had to come together to make this one moment possible– this one moment that changed these two people’s entire lives. First off, this guy has to live in particular town, then he has to get a gray Prius. Then, he has to need to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, he has to go to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, there has to be another guy who also lives in town, also drives a gray Prius and also needs to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, also goes to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond at around the same time. Then, they have to both park somewhat near each other. My friend had to leave before the other guy leaves. See the wrong Prius, thinks it’s his, walk up to it, then the woman, Carol, needs to be near the wrong gray Prius for a million other random reasons. They bump into each other. They start talking. Their entire lives are changed. That’s the most amazing and terrifying thing about life. It is ’cause the amazing thing is that at any moment any one of us can have that moment that totally changed our lives. You could be leaving the show tonight, bump into someone… It could change your life. You don’t know. That could happen. The terrifying thing is… what if we’re all supposed to be at Bed Bath & Beyond right now? Doesn’t that scare you? I’m so scared of that. What if you’re missing your moment? What if you’re not supposed to be here? What if I’m not supposed to be here? My friend’s entire life changed ’cause he went to Bed Bath & Beyond one afternoon. The most casual of decisions had the most tremendous of consequences. Why did he go to Bed Bath & Beyond that afternoon? Well, his roommate had clogged the toilet and he needed to get some Drano. Few weeks later he’s falling in love with this woman. It’s amazing. It’s all ’cause some other dude ate some bad Chinese food one day. And then years later it gets crazier. Those two people have a kid. They come together and do the most incredible thing two human beings can do. They bring a new life into the universe. It’s all ’cause some other dude took a really huge shit one day. That’s the most amazing story you’ll ever hear in your life. No, don’t look at me like that. That’s the most amazing story. Who’s ever take a huge shit and thought, “I just brought life into the world.” Where do you meet this person? I think it’s very hard to meet someone you really connect with, that you really feel a deep connection with. I think that’s hard. I don’t think those people just come around all the time. I think it’s a very special thing. And I think it’s very hard to find, especially nowadays. I mean, yes, there’s great people around, but, man, there is so much riffraff out there right now. The percentage of riffraff has never been higher. It’s very high. I don’t know. Maybe I’m romanticizing the past, but you think about like older generations, you know, people in their 20s– 60s, whatever. You just imagine a different vibe. You know, imagine men wearing nice suits, women are dressed all nice, everyone’s speaking properly– just a classier vibe. Like if those generations could be a font they would be “Times New Roman.” I look at my generation… We’re fucking Comic Sans. You can’t take us seriously. We’re Comic Sans. People that are single and out there, you know what I’m talking about? You go out with people sometimes and you’re just like, “What, you’re a person?! “Hold up. You’re a person? How? You’re so dumb, “How are you– How do you pay rent? “How do you have a job? How are you paying taxes? How is the world not crumbling around your idiocy?” You meet people so dumb you get scared for their safety. You’re like, “Shit, I’d better walk this person home. They might just walk in the street and get hit by a bus! They can’t even have a conversation. They’re just texting and Instagramming photos of salt shakers. What happened to people?! You meet people so bad sometimes they’re not even Comic Sans. They’re straight-up wing dings. That’s how scary it is. So what do you do? We learn to adapt. We have new things now. We have things like online dating. One in five relationships is formed online now. That’s a true statistic. I have a friend, he met his wife on one of those sites and I asked him, I was like, “So, what’d you search?” ‘Cause that’s weirdly romantic. He types in this phrase, all these algorithms and things come together, this woman’s face comes up, he clicks it… that becomes the woman he spends the rest of his life with. So I asked him, “What’d you search?” And he goes, “Jewish and my zip code.” “What, that’s all you were looking for, “just something Jewish close by?! “You don’t want to drive too far?! “Proximity was a big factor here?! “Jewish and my zip– “I found a Wendy’s that way a few weeks ago! “I typed Wendy’s and my zip code then I got some nuggets, he got a wife the exact same way!” Some people still don’t want to do online dating. Feel like there’s a stigma to it. That’s strange though. You ask those same people. “Hey, you ever meet people in bars?” I was like, “Yeah, sure. Why not?” Don’t you see? Online dating’s the same thing, it’s just a different interface? In a bar you walk around and you see people’s faces. Online you see those same faces, they’re on a web page. The difference is online dating is like going to a bar and having superpowers. You know what I mean? Online dating is like being able to walk into a bar and just go, “All right, let’s just eliminate all the other dudes.” Um, ooh. Let’s eliminate any women who that are already in relationships. You can do crazy things like that. You can’t do that in the real world. In the real world you can’t walk into a bar and go, “Jewish and my zip code.” You can’t do that. The other interesting this is different sites mean different things. You know, match.com. Looking for a relationship, something a little more serious. okcupid. I’m trying to fuck something tonight! eHarmony. I’m gonna die soon. I don’t wanna die alone! How do we do this? I just got a computer two weeks ago. Let’s go! The craziest thing I’ve heard with online dating is I have a friend who’s gay and I asked him, I said, “Hey, you ever do online dating?” He’s like, “Yeah, I use Grinder.” And I said, “What is that?” It’s an iPhone App. He turns it on, all these dudes faces start popping up, I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are these guys?” And he goes, “Oh, Grinder uses my GPS to find the closest Grinder users close to me– different circles by their face being what they’re up for. So this guy has a green circle, that means he’s ready to go, and… he’s ten feet away. And then I looked over I was like, “Holy shit, there he is!” It was the same guy. That’s the most unbelievable technology. Straight people are so pathetic. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime or maybe we can get dinner or something? I don’t know.” Gay dudes are like, “I wanna get my dick sucked and there he is…Done.” That’s a strange impression of a dude getting his dick sucked. I mean, I never sucked anyone’s dick before, but if I was sucking someone’s dick and I looked up and they’re just like,. I be like, “Hey, man, you wanna be a little more appreciative? I’m sucking your dick, for god-sakes!” I did a show one night and this woman came up to me afterwards and she goes, “Aziz, why don’t they make Grinder for straight people?” And I think they tried, but it failed miserably. ‘Cause I don’t think any woman wants to turn on her phone and be like, “All right, there’s a guy 15 feet away “that wants to have sex with me. Oh, wait. “There’s a guy eight feet away. There’s a guy five feet away– “three feet away… Okay, every guy around me “wants to fuck me. Well, now I don’t feel safe in the world. So I’m gonna delete this.” I really think that might be the most incredible technology that’s come out in my lifetime. For real. I don’t even know how you’d even explain that concept to someone a few generations ago. You show ’em an iPhone they’re like, “Okay, it looks like a mobile telephone device, “you use it to call other people with similar devices– “have telephone conversations. Uh, to be honest, “that part doesn’t work that well. “But, if you’re interested in putting your penis “inside some other man, I can tell you for certain, that dude is down.” I see why people are turning to online dating though. You know, because if you don’t do online dating, what are your other options to meet people outside your existing social circles? Your big options are bars and nightclubs. Are you really gonna meet someone like in a bar? I have friends that go out with girls they meet at bars and they’re like, “The girl wasn’t that great.” Yeah, of course she wasn’t that great. You met her at a bar on a Tuesday at 1:30 a.m. That’s when riffraff is hanging out. You know what girl you’re gonna meet that hour is this, “Wheewwww!” Is that noise as a person. That noise tells you everything you need to know about a certain type of girl ’cause nothing nice, positive or intelligent has ever come after that noise. It’s always stuff like, “Whew! “Let’s drink the rest of the Tequila out of that dumpster! “Whew, give me an Orbits! I just blew a guy “in the changing room at Target and I forgot to get Orbits “which is why I went there in the first place! “Whew, I’m really attracted to that guy “with the backwards baseball hat and the button-down shirt that’s yelling and being aggressive for no apparent reason!” Those guys are the male counterparts to the “Whew” girls. Now, I don’t dislike anyone based on race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, anything of that nature. But, if you’re a white dude in a bar with a backwards baseball hat and a button-down shirt, there’s a pretty good chance I fuckin’ hate you. You know who I’m talking about? They’re not always dressed that way. And of course I’ve met gentlemen dressed that way that are nice, thoughtful people, but I’m talking more about a state of mind–an attitude. I’m talking about the guys when you leave a crowded bar they’ll say something like, “Yo, bro, you were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me… I wanna sit all these guys down one day and just go, “No one’s pushin’ on you, okay? This is a crowded place, there’s limited room and people are trying to leave. It’s an accident. No one’s ever left a crowded bar, “Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. “Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha!… “Did you see it? Did you see it? “I was pushin’ on him! I was pushin’ on him! He had a drink in his hand…” No! No one’s ever done that in the history of human interactions. But then that guy wants to fight me now. Really? You got to fight me over this? We’re gonna fight now, really? This is the big battle you’ve been training for with all the weights and protein shakes? This to beat up me? Me? A guy who’s built the same size as a starting forward for a JV girls basketball team? Don’t you have some Asian symbol tattooed on your arm you can look at that’ll calm you down for a few minutes? “Respect Thyself and Environment.” Sorry about that. I forgot for a minute. Again, you never see those guys saying anything nice, positive or intelligent. You never see them in a bar slamming a shot down. All right! Let’s be really quiet and respect everyone else’s space. You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Back to molecular Biology lab, immunology– Let’s go fuckin’ find a cure for Lupus, bro! You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Those girls are really hammered. Let’s make sure they get home safe. No. Ah, I feel bad making broad generalizations about men and women like that, but… I’m pretty confident. To me it’s one of those things. It’s like saying, black dudes are blown away by magic tricks. Stereotypes are fucked up, but that’s one’s on point. If anyone has footage of a black dude seeing a magic trick and not being blown away, show it to me. I’ll never say that again. But until I see that footage, that’s my favorite racial stereotype ever. That’s the best one. Nothing comes close. Oh, what do you got? Jewish people are really cheap. No, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, his mind explodes. Bu-bu-but Asian people open up dry cleaning places a lot. No, no, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, for a few moments he thinks it’s real, like there’s a sorcerer on earth. If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is what happens, all right? They see the magic trick and then this– Boosh!– They got to walk away a minimum of 30 feet ’cause everything they know about reality has just been destroyed. They have to reassess existence from the ground up. Well, what always happens? They always turn around. That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s a beautiful way to treat things in life that you don’t understand. You realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way… black dudes treat magicians? I’m serious. What if homophobic people saw gay people, they’d be like, “Blah, it’s so gross! “I don’t understand this lifestyle! why’d he get married?” “Oh, wait. “This doesn’t effect my life at all and any love and joy “in the world is a beautiful thing. “It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing!” That’d be a better way for them to conduct themselves. It’s a real phenomenon. If you don’t believe me, this weekend go out to some fancy nightclub. Look around. See if you find an African-American bouncer walk up he’d be like, “Sorry, we’re at capacity.” And he’d be like, “Oh, really? What if I give you the money?” He’d be like, “Oh, we don’t do that here.” And I’d be like, “Oh, yeah? What about this quarter behind your ear?” He’d be like, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know you were a wizard! “Come on in! Come on in! Come on in! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Okay, I’m sorry. You guys are cool. “You guys are cool. I just need to see an ID. “What do you mean check my back pocket? “Whoa, that’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing!” I’ve been ragging on those kind of jock-like-frat meathead guys, but if you want me to be honest, I really feel like all guys of this generation is kind of a sad state of affairs. Like, gentlemen are gone. We just have ‘dudes’. I get so bummed out when I talk to my friends that are like single females when you talk to them about what they’re looking for. It’s such a sad conversation. They’re just like, “You know, just someone nice… and clean.” That’s pretty much all they’re looking for. The bar is so low right now. Like, if you’re a nice dude and you’re clean, like you brush, shower, use deodorant every day, you’re in the top one percent. You can pretty much fuck anybody, I promise. Just be nice and clean, women will take notice. Don’t try to act cool. Just be nice and clean, women will notice. They’ll be like, “What? What? What? “You just held the door open for me “and you’re wearing pants? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go!” I haven’t seen a dude in ‘not’ cargo shorts in three years. Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “Did you just lift that heavy box and help me load it into my car? “Can you lift your penis and load it into my vagina because…I thought courtesy was dead.” Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “You just texted me and it wasn’t a photo of your dick? Come on, let’s go. This guy just texted me words!” Wow. There’s no sadder sign of the times than that, huh? Men are out there texting women photos of their penis. All the time. You want to see something amazing? Watch this. Clap if you’re a woman in the audience. Okay. Now clap if a dude has sent you a dick photo before. Was there even any difference in the applause?! There was just like two people who were like, “Well, I don’t have a cell phone. So… “I guess I haven’t gotten one, but many have been emailed to me, yes, but, uh”… That is so crazy. How did such a bizarre thing become so commonplace? That’s unbelievable. Thirty years ago, if I went up to some woman and I was like, “Hi. “I, uh, recently took some photos of my penis… “and, uh, I just got ’em developed and… “some of the shots look fantastic. Could I maybe get your mailing address, send you a few copies?” I’d get thrown in jail the next day and the headline would read, “Polaroid Dick Bandit Busted!” It’s a strange thing. And Miss, you sitting here in the front, you said a guy sent you a dick photo. Now tell us about this. Now first off, this doesn’t reflect badly on her some dude fucked her phone without her permission. Now who was this guy, was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? You don’t want to talk about it? I mean, it’s not a big deal. All right, Miss, you sitting here right next to her… A guy sent you a dick photo, right? Tell us about this. Now was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? Let’s say… the most recent time. She’s like, “Aziz, you don’t understand my life. I have an archive.” Let’s say the last time it happened. Was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? “Dating”? About how long into the relationship before it was like, “I’m gonna so something romantic today”? A month in? And when he sent the photo, did he say anything with the photo or was it just the photo? Just the photo. That’s what I thought. Folks, this is another thing I’ve learned in my research. Approximately 88.9 percent of all dick photos… have no message. Just the photo. Such a strange display of male arrogance. It’s like, “What am I gonna do? It speaks for itself.” So stupid! First off, everyone knows what your dick looks like. No one’s surprised. All dicks look the same. They’re just dumb and boring looking. No one’s ever got a dick photo and they’re like, “Wow! It’s so beautiful! I’ve never seen one like this! “Everyone, come in here look at this glorious penis I just got sent! Ah! It sparkles!” No. They all look the same. Yes, there’s some variations in size here and there, but generally, everyone knows what your dick looks like, unless it’s not circumcised. In which case, it’s terrifying. Keep it to yourself!” So, next this guy sends you a dick photo. No message. And, did you write anything back, or did you say like, “I’m not gonna say anything”? What was the situation? ‘Cause that’s a tough situation, right? Like if you don’t write anything back it’s hard for him to like change the conversation. You can’t send a dick photo and be like, “Uh… You wanna go to a five star restaurant later maybe?” That’s a tough predicament. The last question I want to ask you. The photo you got, was the gentleman erect in the photo? Yeah, I guess so, right? You can’t send one where it’s like– Can you help me?! Ughh! That’s not a strong move at all. I’m gonna do the rest of the show like this. No other comedian’s done a special from this squatting position. No, I’ll stand back up. I myself, I’ve never sent anyone a dick photo, but I wanted to do an experiment to see what it would be like to actually send someone a dick photo and see what kind of reaction you would really get. So I did an experiment. I had a friend. She didn’t have my cell phone number. I got her cell phone number from another friend and I decided to send her a dick photo. So, I downloaded a white dick off the Internet. I ran it through a bunch of Instagram Hipstmatic-type filters, made it looked like a really hip dick… and then I sent it to her. And this is what happened. So first off, I just sent kind of like a generic hello-type text and I was like, “Hey, uh, good meeting you the other night, Libby. What’re you up to?” And then I sent her the dick photo and underneath I wrote, “Boom!” An hour goes by… No response. Now, I want to keep the conversation going, but I don’t want to seem too eager, so I just send her a text that just says, “Question mark.” She writes back, “Who is this?” I said, “We made out at the club a while back, and you said I should give you a buzz sometime. Well– Buzzzzzz.” Twenty minutes go by. No response. I write, “I feel like you don’t like me. “Don’t be mean. By the way, did you get my earlier text?” Dick photo again– Boom! She writes back, “I don’t respond to people I don’t know sending me pictures of their dick.” I said, “That’s too bad. I thought you were special.” Twenty minutes go by. “I still do.” She writes, “Stop texting me! Delete me off your phone! Never contact me again!” And I said, “That’s cold. “I’m gonna store you in my phone as ‘Liquid Nitrogen’ ’cause that’s how cold you are.” An hour goes by. “If you were inside a barrel and someone dipped “a banana inside you and they dropped the banana “on the ground, the banana would shatter… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” Another hour goes by. “If you were inside a truck and the truck flipped over “and you spilled all over the T-1000 from Terminator 2… he would harden… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” She writes, “I know what liquid nitrogen does! Stop texting me!” And then I realized I only had one last text to send her. So, I sent her a photo of a soft penis and I wrote, “This is what my heart feels like right now.” What is today? Today is what, Wednesday? Yeah? Anybody got any big plans for the weekend? Anybody going to the club over the weekend? Clubs are crazy places, man. That’s a crazy place to try to meet someone–at a club. People that go to clubs know it’s bad though, right? No one goes to a club like, “All right, “it smells like vomit, I can’t hear anything, “and the worst people in the world are here. Let’s do this!” No. They know it’s bad. But when you look in a club people are having a great time. They’re having the best time. You know why? It’s ’cause the music they play in nightclubs tricks people into thinking they’re having a good time. There’s this new kind of song that’s come out that kind of brainwashes people into thinking they’re having a great time. Think about it. What kind of song is playing any time you walk into a club now? It’s always something like, […] And, if it’s not one of those songs, it’s one of these songs where the rapper or the singer is engaging in these very luxurious activities and simply by virtue of listening to the song, you are now somehow also partaking in these activities with them. Like I’d be one of those songs like, […] Dude’s in the club, “Oh, shit! I’m on a jet right now? “Where’re we flying to? I got work tomorrow! “Who’s paying for the jet? “Don’t put it on my tab! “No, we can’t split the jet! I didn’t even have any of the jets!” They should make a song that’s like a reality check for all these people, you know? Maybe a song that’s like, […] Philadelphia, thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much. Wow, wow, wow! I– I can’t tell you what a treat it is for me to get to travel around the country and perform in lovely theaters like this. It’s my favorite thing I get to do in my career and, uh, I thank you for that. I have found no matter what I do in my career though, my dad is never impressed. Like, uh, he’ll call me up, he’s like, “What are you doing this summer?” I’m like, “I’m going to do this big theater tour, do a part in this movie.” He’s like, “What part are you doing in the movie? “Are you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “No, just one of the smaller parts.” He’s like, “Why aren’t you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “You’re a Gastroenterologist. “You put cameras in peoples butts. “Why don’t you go star in a movie? I saw your last movie. It was shit, literally.” This is true. One time I sent him this video clip. I performed at this event that President Obama spoke at and I spoke and then the President spoke. When the President spoke, he mentioned me in his speech. He gave me a shout out. He was like, “Aziz Ansari, “I wanted to thank you for what you said earlier. “I also want to let him know, Aziz, I got more Twitter followers than you do, man.” And I was like, “Whoa, the President just burned me. That’s pretty cool.” I send the clip to my dad. He writes me back. “Why don’t you have more Twitter followers than the President?” I got to meet the President at that show. That’s pretty crazy. You never think You’re ever gonna get to meet the President. And I was so nervous. You know, I was downstairs and it was just me and “The Roots.” “The Roots” had performed at this event as well. And he’s coming down– Yeah, they’re fantastic. From Philadelphia, right? And, uh, you know, so he’s coming down. I’m very nervous, you know, ’cause there’s like Secret Service guys around– “POTUS will be down in two minutes. “POTUS will be down in two minutes. POTUS down in two minutes.” And I’m expecting something very brief, quick and formal. You know, just like, “Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. That’s what I’m expecting. All right? This what happens instead. I’m not exaggerating. He comes down—- Oh, snap! It’s “The Roots”! What’s goin’ on? You guys are like my house band. You’re at every event. And I’m just there like, “What? That’s how he talks?” And he’s just running around chopping it up with all “The Roots” guys, being very charming and cool. And, uh, he goes up to one of “The Roots” who has like a flower lapel in his jacket, something kinda like this, and he’s like, “Uh, what is this? Are you a magician? “You can pull a rabbit out of there? Look at this fool– Ha, ha, ha!” Which, by the way, further backs up my black dude magician theories cause… I have not seen the rabbit out of the flower trick. So he says hi to them and he finally– he comes over to me and, uh, we start talking. He’s very nice, super charming… Exactly how you’d hope for him to be and it’s time for us to take a photo. And I’m there with a friend of mine and she has a purse. And he’s like, “Let’s get a good photo of the three of us. “Let’s get a good photo. Ah, put your purse down. “Don’t worry about your purse. Your purse will be fine. We got good security back here. Ah-hah!” And that’s when I realized this dude acts the exact same way I would act if I was the President. Just running around, talking shit, cracking jokes. “What’s up?! How much did we raise tonight? “$5 million? Fuck it. Let’s go to the club. “Let’s celebrate! “Turn that into a campaign event, $20,000 a head. I’m DJ-ing. DJ POTUS, let’s go!” These are my favorite gigs I get to do as a comedian. A lot of times when you’re a comic you get asked to do these weird things that make no sense like, um, I got asked to go to this charity event once. It’s this charity called “Make It Right.” They rebuild homes in the lower 9th ward in New Orleans. It’s a very cool cause. And they’re like, “Aziz, could you help us out?” And I was like, “Sure. What do you need?” They’re like, “Could you host our After Party?” And I was like, “What does that mean?” They’re like, “Could you introduce Seal?” And I was like, “The singer guy, like, “I am just gonna go up there and say some stuff and then Seal is gonna pop up?” “Yeah.” And I was like, “You know what? I love New Orleans. This sounds cool. Let’s do it.” So I’m there in New Orleans. I’m backstage with Seal. Seal has no idea who I am. I’m not on Seal’s radar, sonar– nothing, and… it’s time for me to do his intro and this is what I do. I go onstage, I go, “Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer, “he’s actually running a little bit late. “So, uh, he wanted to know maybe if I can sing one of his hit songs for him in order to kill some time. So, I guess there’s nothing left to say but– What’s that, Seal’s here? Sorry, I can’t hear you. What’s that? Seal’s ready to go? Hm, I feel like at this point maybe I should finish my version. And I did that shit for way too long and… Finally I bring Seal up. Seal doesn’t even say anything to me. He just puts his arm around my shoulder and goes… ‘Cause I get it, you know? Seal doesn’t know I’m a comedian. He just thinks I’m some crazy brown guy that’s seizing the moment… So I can impress Seal and sign to Walrus Records and start my R&B career as The Brown Penguin. But the event went well. I did get to meet Seal. Very nice, very smooth. Everything he said was so smooth. You know, I was standing in a elevator with this girl. He looks over. He goes, “My only regret “is that I do not have a photograph to capture this moment…forever. And I was just like, “Oh, my God. “Seal, I wanna fuck you. That was…beautiful. No one ever speaks to me like that.” And then I realized Seal’s lyrics are not lyrics. That’s how he talks all the time. Seal’s at the optometrist. The optometrist is like, “Seal, what’s wrong with your eyes?” He’s like, […] “Seal, what the hell are you talking about? “The weather should not be affecting “your vision that way, Seal. We need to run some tests. “Sheila, get a bunch of snow here. Let’s see if Seal’s eyes start getting wide.” You’re at a dinner party with Seal. “Seal, how’s the chicken?” […] So…So the event went well. I had a good time. The next day they had another event. It was like a charity dinner, charity auction. So I went to that. Had a lot of fun. They had a lot of wine there. I drank a lot of wine. And then the next day I woke up and I was like, “Oh, Wh-what did I do last night?” We’ve all had those moments. I had maybe one of the most bizarre instances of that happening though. ‘Cause I woke up the next morning I was like, “Oh, what did I do last night? I think I bid and won a charity auction to be an extra in the next Tyler Perry movie. Yep, this is 100 percent true. I paid an exorbitant amount of money at a charity auction so me and a friend of my choice could be extras in the next Tyler Perry movie. So, next summer when you go to see a Madea Goes To Jail 3 and you see me and Seal in the background just… You’ll know why. Guys, thank you so much. Philadelphia! You guys were amazing! Thank you very much for coming out! I really appreciate it! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, the married couple! Dick photo people! Thank you very much! Thank you!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

AZIZ ANSARI: LIVE IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-live-in-madison-square-garden-2015-full-transcript/

Thank you so much. Thank you very much, New York. Holy shit. This is Madison Square Garden. Oh, my God. Bring the house lights up for a second. Let’s just see everybody here a second. Bring the house lights up. Thank you. Thank you so much to all 12,000 of you predominantly white people that showed up tonight. I really– No, there’s minorities in the mix. I’m just kidding. Yeah. Uh, I’m a… I’m a minority, and I am… Yeah, I am the first generation in my family that was born in America. Anybody else first-generation people? Yeah? Clap, yeah? Yeah! Pretty amazing thing our parents did, right? They came to this country. They maybe didn’t know anyone, maybe didn’t even speak the language, and they figured it out. Very brave, courageous thing. And I feel like we never sit down and thank them for it. And we should, ’cause that’s such an amazing thing, you know, for someone in your family to at some point, to just be like, “You know what? Fuck China! Let’s get out of here. Let’s go. Let’s get out of here. I’m tired of living in this village. Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s move to America. I’ve seen photos online, it looks dope. Let’s go. Let’s go.” ‘Cause you know they had friends that were dicks that were like, “What? You can’t move to America. You don’t know anyone there. You don’t speak the language. What are you gonna do for work?” “I don’t know, man. We’ll figure it out. Worst-case scenario, we’ll cook food and we’ll sell it to white people, okay?” “You got a Master’s degree in Chemistry. You don’t know how to cook.” “They don’t know what Chinese food tastes like! I’ll just put some chicken in a box with some orange sauce and I’ll serve it to ’em.” “Ooh! What are you gonna call that dish? Orange chicken?” “Yeah! Maybe I will call it orange chicken! Maybe I’ll call it Number 36. We’ll see!” Pretty amazing, though, right? Like, all those stories, they’re amazing to me. Amazing stories. I hear immigrants say stories like, “Oh, I came to Brooklyn with $20 in my pocket.” That’s incredible. Is our generation that amazing? I don’t think we are. I don’t think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I don’t think we can pull that kind of shit off. Like, could you imagine if you sent me to Brooklyn with $20 in my pocket? I’d get there the first day and be like, “Oh, man, I’m out of money! I just bought too much fresh pressed juice! Guess I gotta move back.” “Hey, Dad. Yeah, I’m coming back to India, huh. Things didn’t work out here. Uh, I made a bad investment in juice.” My parents told me a little bit about their struggles. They moved to South Carolina. That’s where they chose– Yeah! ‘Cause they were trying to find a place that combined racism… and horrible public schools… and they’re like, “Ooh, South Carolina! You’re right in the middle of this very unnecessary Venn diagram. Let’s do this!” And, you know, they told me a little bit about it. And, you know, my mom told me her first day in America was the scariest day of her life. And I was like, “Wow, why do you say that?” She’s like, “Well, I got here. I didn’t know anyone. I was so far away from my friends and family. Uh, I barely even knew your father.” They had an arranged marriage and she’d known him for, like, a week at that point. This is serious. And she said she got here and she’s in this small apartment, it’s empty and she didn’t know what to do, and she felt so scared. I was like, “What did you do that first day?” She’s like, “I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone. Your dad was at work the whole day. And I just sat on the couch and I cried.” I was like, “Oh, that’s so sad. How did you get through that?” And she’s like, “It was just one of those moments where I just knew I had to be brave and figure it out. You ever had moments like that, Aziz, where you were so scared, but you knew you had to be brave and figure it out?” And I was like… “No! My life is super easy ’cause you did all the struggling. So, my shit’s really easy.” I’m not gonna have any struggles to tell my kids about. What’s my story gonna be like? “Oh, son, once, when I was flying from New York to LA… my iPad died.” My kid will be like, “Fuck you, Dad. We’re teleporting to Mars!” My dad told me a little bit about his struggles. My dad’s a doctor. And he said when he first got here, it was very hard ’cause the head of the hospital was very racist and would never send him patients. He’d always send patients to another doctor that lived three hours away. And I was like, “Oh, that stinks. How did you figure that out?” And he said, “Well, what eventually happened was the head of the hospital got very sick and he had a stomach problem.” My dad is a stomach doctor. And so he called for my dad. He’s like, “Oh, send that Indian guy in. I don’t want to go to the guy three hours away.” And my mom was like, “You shouldn’t go. That guy’s racist, he never sends you patients. Why should you go?” My dad was like, “No, I’m gonna go, ’cause I think we need to be the bigger people here.” So my dad goes and he starts treating the guy. And then my dad poisons him and kills him. And then my dad became the head of the hospital. And that’s what you gotta do when you’re an immigrant! Handle your shit! Kill some racist motherfuckers if you need to! How many of you guys– Clap if you don’t eat meat. Anyone here not eat meat? Clap if you don’t eat meat. Okay. Now, clap if you don’t eat meat ’cause, um, you saw a documentary or you read a book that freaked you out about the meat industry. Clap if that’s the situation. A few people. Now, clap if you’ve just seen that stuff in general. Like, video of a factory farm or read something that, like, freaked you out about the food industry. Clap if you’ve seen that stuff, yeah? That’s a lot of people. Now, clap if you saw that stuff and you’re like, “Oh, my God, that’s disgusting. It’s cruel, it’s inhumane. The government definitely needs to properly regulate the meat industry. There’s no excuse for this. The government definitely needs to properly regulate the meat industry. But, in the meantime… I kinda still gotta eat meat ’cause I don’t want to feel weird and hungry all the time.” Isn’t that so frustrating? ‘Cause no one wants to support that stuff. But you know what the problem is? Salads need to step their game up, okay? Like, salads aren’t bringing it hard enough. Vegetables aren’t bringing it hard enough. If food is a basketball game, meat is killing it. Meat is just like, “Ribs! Fried chicken! Steak!” Meanwhile, vegetables are like, “Uh, does anyone want any cauliflower? What about some snow peas? Does anyone like Brussels sprouts?” “Yeah, I’ll take those Brussels sprouts and I’ll wrap ’em in some bacon!” That’s how powerful meat is, right? You go into a kitchen, you smell bacon and go, “Are you cooking bacon right now? Is that bacon you’re making right– Is there any way you have a second piece of bacon that I could eat as well? Is there any…” No one’s ever walked into a kitchen like, “Are you steaming carrots right now? Are you steaming carrots? I can smell the steam from the other room. Is that some broccoli and cauliflower? Are you making a medley right now? Are you making a motherfucking steamed vegetable medley right now? Oh, don’t tell me that’s brown rice in that bowl! Don’t tell me that’s brown rice! You better fix me a plate now!” Even if you don’t eat meat, even if you’re just eating vegetables, do you know everything that goes into the vegetables? There’s all this messed-up stuff with vegetables, too, like child labor and all these issues. Like, how come every vegetable’s always in season, right? Every vegetable’s always in season, right? You never go to the grocery store and they’re like, “We don’t have asparagus at the moment. They’re just not growing.” No, no, no. They have everything all the time. ‘Cause if it’s not growing here, they just go to South America, and there’s some guy with a sword going up to little kids like, “Dígame, dígame! Pick the asparagus! Pick it! Pick it! Pick it! People in America need to eat it and see if it really makes their pee smell weird!” Just never google how anything you consume is created. Just never google it, ’cause it’s always gonna bum you out. I used to buy this orange juice called Simply OJ, ’cause I’m dumb and I see words like “simple” and “natural,” and I’m like, “Mmm, okay, well, clearly, there must be a grandma squeezing oranges into a bucket, and, you know, then she pours that in a little bottle.” No, no, no, no, no. That’s what was happening for, like, three months, and then Coca-Cola bought the company. They slit the grandma’s throat… and now a bunch of little Asian kids just jizz into a banana peel, and that’s Simply OJ. Something like that. I can’t… quite remember the specifics, but… something like that. Everything, man! Eggs! You know how they make eggs? This is how they make eggs, okay? They genetically engineer two different types of chicken. One type of chicken is called the layer chick. Just lays eggs, right? And they have another type of chick called a broiler chick. This is the chicken they, like, pump up with a bunch of hormones so it has, like, huge breasts and legs, and that’s the one they use for the meat. And I’m reading this, I’m like, “Well, what happens to the male layer chicks?” They serve no purpose, right? They can’t lay eggs. They can’t be used for meat. What happens? They just get murdered! In insane ways. Like, they’ll take all the male layer chicks and they’ll throw ’em into a big chicken woodchipper. Um, another thing they’ll do is they’ll put ’em in a big plastic vat and just put a lid on it and suffocate ’em to death. And, yeah, it’s a bummer. Like, none of us is into that. Like, we’d all check “No” on that box. But the problem is, this kind of information, this kind of footage, it just hasn’t been seen in the right context to elicit the kind of mass outrage that would actually result in some changes, you know. Right now, it’s in these obscure documentaries or books or whatever. But what if it was in a different context? Like, what if there was a CNN camera crew that did a raid at rapper Ja Rule’s house? And they saw he had a big plastic vat where he was just suffocating chickens to death. We’d all be like, “Ja, you monster! What are you doing?” And he’d be like, “I’m sorry, I just wanted some eggs! I had to make ethical compromises in order to achieve economies of scale! ♪ It’s murda!” ♪ I’ll admit, when I first wrote that joke, I was like, “But will people remember Ja Rule?” Oh, how foolish I was! If you’re not familiar with Ja, um… he had a strange string of hits a few years ago, where… every song followed this very strange formula where they’d have a woman with a very beautiful voice, like Jennifer Lopez or Ashanti, and they would sing the hook. And then Ja would come in and sound like someone that was getting stabbed in the stomach through their ulcer. Like, every single song was just like, ♪ R-U-L-E ♪ ♪ What’s my motherfucking name? ♪ ♪ R-U-L-E ♪ ♪ And what am I doing here? ♪ I feel like I gotta do that whole bit on a talk show or something. ‘Cause whenever you do a bit like that on a talk show, the person always gets in touch with you. So I feel like I have to do it, just so I can get that amazing phone call one day, where it’s just like, “Aziz?” – “Yeah. Who is this?” – “Ja Rule, baby! Saw the way you integrated me into that bit about factory farming in the egg industry! I never knew that shit! I’m never eatin’ meat again! You know where I can get some more literature on this subject? Maybe a pamphlet on how to adjust to a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle? ♪ Put it on me!” ♪ Soon, Ja starts getting really passionate about the cause. He starts filming his own PSAs. “Every day, millions of chickens are living in tiny cages the size of a piece of paper. They’re shittin’ all over each other in these disease-ridden factory farms. This is the meat we’re puttin’ in our mouths! This is the meat we’re puttin’ in our children’s mouths! If you think the government should probably regulate the meat industry, ♪ Holla, holla!” ♪ Guys, if only you knew how long it’s taken me to find the perfect stand-up bit to showcase my frustrations with the meat industry… and my flawless Ja Rule impersonation… then you’d know my struggle. You know what I’ve realized recently? Creepy dudes are everywhere… and they’re so much more prevalent than I ever realized. And it really sucks, ’cause women have to worry about creepy dudes all the time. And it’s very unfair because men never worry about creepy women. Like, men never are concerned about creepy women. That’s not a thing. There’s never been two dudes, walking alone, late night in a park, like… – “Hey, man, I think we should speed up.” – “Why, what’s going on?” “I’m pretty sure that woman behind the tree is masturbating to us!” “Oh, God! Oh, God! Should we get a cab? Should we just keep running? Ahh!” No two dudes have ever faced that dilemma. There’s never been a dude who’s told a story like this, “Yeah, so I’m at the club, like, minding my own business, right? And then this creepy woman comes up to me. She’s like, ‘Hey, can I buy you a drink?’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m fine.’ ‘Let me buy you a drink.’ ‘No, I’m fine.’ She’s like, ‘Let me buy you a drink!’ I’m like, ‘Okay, okay, okay.’ And so, you know, she buys me a drink and I take a sip to be polite, and then she’s just like… that’s a nice set of balls you got down there. What do you think about me sucking on one of those bad boys later?’ And I was like, ‘Uh, that’s quite all right.’ And she’s like, ‘Oh, but you’ll drink the drink, though! You’ll drink the drink, though! To be clear, I can’t suck the balls, but you’ll drink the drink, though! You’ll drink the drink, though! You’re twisted! Ladies, let’s get out of this club! Dudes here are busted!'” No dude has that story. No dude’s ever barged up into his friend’s apartment in a panic, like, “Oh, my God! Dude, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know where else to go! This is so crazy! Oh, my God! I’m so freaked out right now! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I was walking down Third Avenue, and this woman just whipped her pussy out at me. And she just started chasing me like, ‘Ahh! Do you wanna touch it?'” No guy here has any story like that. No guy here has any story like that. Every woman in here has at least three stories like that. I promise you, they do. Creepy dudes are everywhere, man. They’re on the Internet. Oh, they love the Internet so much! Such a great showcase for them. It’s really startling if you look at the difference between the way men are treated on the Internet and women are treated on the Internet. You know, me as a guy, let’s say I tweet something like, “Hey, guys, I’m doing a show in Phoenix. Get tickets!” I might get a mean tweet, where some guy’s like, “Oh, yeah? I’m never coming to Phoenix, ’cause you suck! Yeah, I got him. I did it, yeah!” If a woman tweets that, though, her mean tweet will be different. Like, if a woman tweets, “Hey, I’m doing a show in Phoenix. Get tickets!” Her mean tweet will be like, “Oh, yeah? Instead of going to Phoenix, why don’t you come to Buffalo and suck my dick? Yeah! I got her! I did it, yeah! Let’s go watch Transformers again! Pshh!” No women are harassing me like that. Women just don’t harass dudes in that way. I never get tweets like that. No women are ever writing me stuff like, “Oh, hey, Aziz, I bet you give good head! Yeah! Suck my pussy, Aziz! Suck my pussy, Aziz!” No women are out there writing me like, “Oh, hey, Aziz, I wanna take your head and squeeze it in between my titties till your beard pops off. Yeah!” No women are saying that. No women are out there like, “Oh, Aziz, you’re putting out a new stand-up special? Why don’t you put your fingers in my pussy instead? Finger me, Aziz! Finger me, Aziz! Let’s go watch Dirty Dancing on Blu-ray!” Pshh! No women are saying that ’cause, in general, women don’t do dumb shit like that. That’s not a thing they do, really. Men do this shit all the time, and it’s so dumb. I did a show with a female comedian once. She got on stage and the first thing that happened is some idiot in the front just yells, “Take it off!” If you’re a dude, never yell, “Take it off.” Unless a woman has placed a tarantula or a scorpion on one of your shoulders, there’s no reason for you to yell, “Take it off!” I’ve seen dudes yell “Take it off” in a strip club! She has a routine planned. She’s trying to tease you, you dumb motherfucker! What would you rather her do? Just, like, walk out there completely naked? Another thing… Another thing creepy dudes do… they’ll just follow women. You know what I’m talking about? Like, they’ll just see a woman and be like, “Okay!” And just follow ’em around for, like, a really long time. Terrifying. Raise your hand if you’re a woman and you’ve ever been followed around by a creepy dude. Raise your hand high! Raise it really fucking high! Everyone just look around and see how many hands are raised right now. Yeah, that’s way too many people. That should not be happening. One woman told me she eventually got rid of the guy by walking into a pet store where you needed to get buzzed in. I’m not sure why this pet store had such intense security… but, um… she said, she went in there and said, “Hey, there’s a creepy guy following me. Don’t buzz him in.” They’re like, “Okay.” And she said she just waited there until he left. And I was like, “Wow, how long did you have to wait?” And she was like, “Mmm, 45 minutes.” Forty-five minutes of her day gone ’cause this creep decided to follow her. God! But I get it, man, you gotta be safe. These guys are crazy. You never know, they may follow you to your home or your apartment where you live. And if you’re a creepy dude doing that, what’s your dream scenario at that point? Like, what’s your best-case situation? Like, what do you think’s really gonna happen? Like, the woman’s just gonna get to her door and just turn around, just like, “So… are you just gonna stand there… or are you gonna come up and fuck me?” That’s never happening. That’s never happening! There’s a greater chance of a tornado grabbing a woman and blowing her into your penis than there is of you somehow seducing a woman that way, you fucking creeps. What can you do for real, though, man? One woman told me a story that was kind of cool. She said, one time, she had a creepy guy following her and, uh, she saw another dude that she thought was like a good dude, and said, “Hey, can you pretend to be my boyfriend? I think there’s, like, a creepy guy following me. Can you pretend to be my boyfriend?” And the guy did it. And it helped her out and the creepy guy went away. I was like, “Oh, man, that’s really cool,” right? She had faith that this other guy would be a decent human being. And he was, and he rose to the challenge and it helped her out, you know? I would do that. If any woman in here was like, “Hey, Aziz, could you pretend to be my boyfriend?” I would do that shit, I would get into it. I’d be like, “I got this! What’s the situation?” “There’s a creepy guy following me.” – “Where is he?” – “He’s right behind us.” “Oh, fuck! He’s really creepy. He’s rather large as well. Are you sure we shouldn’t be seeing other people? Just kidding, I got this.” “What are you gonna do, Aziz?” “Oh, I’m gonna beat the shit out of this guy!” – “Really?” – “Yeah. But first, I need to run a quick errand.” – “What is it?” – “I gotta buy a dog. Let’s go in this pet store and wait about 45 minutes.” Clap if you’re in a relationship right now. Relationship folks. You know what I love about relationship people? I love how they tell the story of how they met their person. You know what I’m talking about? It’s a very specific type of storytelling where it’s like, “Oh… …and we’ve been together ever since.” That’s like a fun way to tell a story, right? But I don’t think it’s fair that frustrated single people can’t share their stories in the same manner, right? Like, those are more relatable stories. Like, I would love to hear a woman tell a story like this, “So, Rachel’s like, ‘Come get a drink. Come get a drink. Come get a drink.’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m not coming out tonight.’ She’s like, ‘You never come out. How are you gonna meet someone if you never come out?’ So, I’m like, ‘Fine!’ So, we go to the bar and there’s this really cute guy. He’s sitting by himself and he’s drinking a whiskey. And Rachel’s like, ‘Go talk to him. Go talk to him.’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m not saying anything.’ And she’s like, ‘You go talk to him or I’m gonna talk to him for you.’ So, I’m like, ‘Fine.’ So, I walk over… and I go, ‘Hey, are you waiting on someone?’ And he goes, ‘Yeah, I’m waiting on my girlfriend.’ So, I sat back down… and I haven’t seen him ever since!” That’s a story we can all relate to, right? Or what about a story like this, “So Bryan’s like, ‘Come on, man. Let’s go to one more bar. Let’s go to one more spot.’ I’m like, ‘I’m pretty beat. I think I’m just gonna call it. It’s like 3:45 in the morning. I’m gonna go home.’ He’s like, ‘No, no, no, no. This is a late night spot. There’s always girls there. You never know, you never know, you never know.’ So, I’m like, ‘Fuck it.’ So, we head to the bar and, uh, it was closed. Guess it was a slow night, so, uh, that was that.” Or what about a story like this? “So, me and her, we’ve always been really close, but, you know, nothing’s ever happened, never hooked up or anything, just been friends. And we’re out this one night, she’s just broken up with her boyfriend and we’re having a couple of drinks, and it starts getting a little flirty. Then it starts getting a little touchy-feely. Next thing you know, we’re back at my place and we’re having sex. And this is, like, amazing sex. It’s been, like, pent-up for years. And it’s one of those things that just felt right, you know? And at one point, she just looks me right in the eyes and she just says, ‘I don’t think we should do this!’ So… I pulled my penis out… we went to sleep, and it’s been an awkward situation for… it’ll be a year in August.” Those are the stories we can relate to. Being in a relationship, it’s tough. It’s a lot of work. But I think being single is even harder, especially right now. Very odd, frustrating time to be a single person. And I like the idea of being single in theory. But what does that mean? You meet a bunch of different people, you get to know ’em, you find someone you really connect with, hmm, maybe pursue something more serious. That sounds good, I would sign up for that. But that’s not what being single is anymore, right? This is what being single is now, “Hey, it was great meeting you. We should get together sometime.” “Yeah, that’d be great. Be in touch.” – “All right. Bye.” – “Cool.” “Hey, what’s up? You wanna grab some drinks tonight?” “Yeah, yeah, I’m with some friends in this neighborhood.” “Oh, cool. We’ll be down there soon.” – “Can’t wait to see you. Cool.” – “All right. Bye.” “Hey, what’s up? We’re almost there.” “Shit, we just left.” Why? Why’d you just leave? Isn’t that a rude, shitty thing to do? You invited me somewhere and then you left before I got there. “Maybe we’ll meet up tomorrow.” “Tomorrow is perfect. Text you later and make a plan.” – “All right. Bye.” – “Cool.” “Hey, what’s up? Should we grab those drinks tonight?” “Oh, drank way too much last night. Gonna stay in today.” That’s not what was discussed yesterday! Would you like a transcript of our conversation? You may scroll up on your phone. “Maybe we can meet up on Thursday.” “Thursday’s perfect. Text you later and make a plan.” – “All right. Bye.” – “Cool.” “Hey, what’s up? It’s Thursday. Should we get together tonight?” And that’s what being single is now. All that garbage. That’s what it is a lot of times. It’s pretty much like you’re a secretary for this really shoddy organization… trying to schedule the dumbest shit with the flakiest people. And I’ve realized this flakiness, it doesn’t even have to do with dating or anything. It’s actually a symptom of a bigger problem we all have. You know, we’re all part of the rudest, flakiest group of people ever. Like, if you’re alive right now and you have a phone, you’re a rude, shitty person. You just are. Like, has anyone here tried to make plans with anyone in the past couple of years? Has anyone tried to make plans with anyone? It’s the most frustrating experience. ‘Cause what happens anytime you ask someone to do something nowadays? It’s like, “Hey, you wanna do this fun thing?” “Maybe. Maybe, I could try. We could see about… maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.” No one wants to commit to shit. ‘Cause they’re terrified that something better is gonna come along. It is so rude. Why do we do this? I think it’s ’cause we’re also part of the least lonely generation, the least isolated generation, you know? It used to be a big deal when you finally got to see your friends in person, right? Nowadays, it’s not as much, ’cause you’re always connected with your friends, you’re always– Wherever you are, work, school, whatever, you’re always texting, e-mailing, joking around. So, when you see them in person, it’s not as big a deal as it used to be. You know, now it’s like, “Oh, man, it’s so good to see you. I just went on this crazy vacation!” “I know, I saw all the pictures. Leave me alone.” It used to not be like that. It used to be a big deal when you saw your friends, right? Think about what you’d be doing, like, 40 years ago, you know. Think about what that would be like. What you’d be doing, like, on a Thursday night. You know, you’re just sitting in your house, by yourself… you’re in a wooden chair… eating a can of beans. You have nothing. You’re not connected to anyone. No entertainment. “Oh, uh, maybe I’ll listen to some music.” All right, just the music you own, or you can sit around and hope a song you like comes on the radio, and then grab a cassette and run over like a little bitch. “Oh, I missed the beginning!” Maybe you’ll stay in and watch a movie. All right, what’s it gonna be? Home Alone, Jurassic Park or Mrs. Doubtfire? That’s all you have. You have nothing! And then, in the corner of the room, you have your one outlet to the outside world, right? Your landline. And if you were lucky, at some point it would ring and you’d be like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hello! Who is this? Phil, thank you so much for calling. What would you like to do? That sounds great! I’ll see you there at 8:00.” And you would be there at 8:00. And Phil would be there at 8:00. And if Phil wasn’t there by 8:15, you’d be like, “Oh, my God! Phil is dead. Phil has died! We were supposed to see Police Academy and now he’s dead!” ‘Cause that was the only polite way to cancel on people back in the day. You had to die. Now what do your shitty friends do? They’ll call you like an hour before. “Hey, you know, I’m feeling kind of tired. So, I think I’m just gonna stay in tonight.” “Oh, you’re tired? What, were you doing a bunch of manual labor? Were you, uh, building a habitat for humanity? Or…” “No, I just did one of those online surveys that tells you what character you are from a particular TV show. And I’ve done, like, seven of them, so I’m feeling kind of tired. And, you know, I’m just so tired, I don’t feel like driving and everything.” Hold up! You’re too tired to drive? The car moves. You don’t do shit, you just sit there. How is this a valid excuse? Did you recently purchase a Flintstones -type vehicle where you need to run along? I don’t believe you did. So now, when you make plans, you got to remember how flaky everyone is, right? You got to factor that in. You got to change your approach. You know, you look at my phone on a Sunday, when I’m trying to find someone to get brunch with, I look like a psychopath. It’s just like, “Hey, you wanna get brunch? Hey, you wanna get– Hey, you wanna– Hey, you wanna– Hey, you wanna– Hey, you wanna–” And it’s this weird list of my best friend to the shittiest person I’d eat pancakes with. But I get it. I get it, man. I understand why we’re like this. We all have the same nightmare. You know the nightmare. The nightmare is you do commit to doing the thing with Phil, right? And you get there, like, “This is fun, Phil. I’m glad I came. We’re getting to catch up and stuff. It’s good.” Then you get that phone call. “Dude, where are you? Biggie and Tupac faked their deaths. They’re doing a show right now. I have an extra ticket. Where are you?” “I’m upstate picking apples with Phil!” We all have that nightmare, and I do think there’s a new thing, where we always want the best, you know? Whatever we’re doing, we wanna do the best, funnest thing. Whatever we’re buying, we want the best. We have all these options, and we have all this information at our fingertips to research it. And we always want the best. Why not have the best? And a lot of times it’s very useful, right? I made some more educated decisions in my life. But, at a certain point, doesn’t that stuff become debilitating? Like, now it’s gotten to the point where before I make any choice or decision in my life, I have to google something to make sure I’m not fucking it up. You know what I mean? Like, the other day, I had to get a toothbrush. Before I left my house, without even thinking about it, I googled, “Best toothbrush.” That’s right, I’m about to get the best toothbrush. Why? Why do I need the best toothbrush? Every other toothbrush I bought on a hunch has been fine. Like, what is the big fear now? Have you ever run into someone with no teeth, and be like, “What happened?” “Bought the wrong toothbrush. Should’ve done more research!” And when you take these kind of mentalities and you throw ’em in the dating world, things get crazy, man. Things get really weird, you know. You people that are married, been in long relationships, you have no idea what it’s like out there right now. Everything has changed. Take your most basic problem as a single person. What is it? You like someone, they don’t like you back. Or the reverse, someone likes you, you don’t like them back. Okay, at one point in time, that used to be kind of a weird thing. It was awkward, it was a conversation, it was something you had to deal with, right? Now, what do people do? Someone likes you, you don’t like ’em back? Just pretend to be busy forever. That’s what people do now. They pretend to be busy forever, and then they conduct this strange psychological experiment, where it’s like, “Mmm, how much hope does this person have? How many times do I need to pretend to be busy before they realize this many scheduling conflicts is statistically impossible… and something else is going on?” Now, look, I don’t think it’s coming from a bad place. I think you’re trying not to hurt someone’s feelings, right? What are your other options? Um, you could say nothing and give people silence. Or you could just be honest with them. Those are your big three options, right? Clap if what you do is pretend to be busy. Clap if that’s your move. Okay. I’d say that’s my move as well, okay. Clap if what you do is, you say nothing. You give people silence. Okay, and finally, clap if you’re just honest with people. Okay, now let’s say the situation is reversed and someone else is dealing with you. How do you prefer they handle the situation? Clap if you prefer that they pretend to be busy. All right. Clap if you prefer that they say nothing, that they give you silence. Why the fuck would you prefer that? This is a hypothetical thing. That’s your preference? You’re into confusion? Sorry, this isn’t a good way to do polls. I shouldn’t shit on people after certain responses. I apologize. And finally, clap if you prefer that they’re just honest with you. I’d say I’m in that camp as well. Well, well, well, I think our findings are pretty clear, right? We’re all really shitty people. Whenever we’re dealing with others, we’re like, “I’m gonna pretend to be busy. I don’t wanna say anything.” When other people are dealing with us, we’re like, “Why must we all play these games? Can’t we all just be honest with one another?” And the other thing is, we all say we prefer honesty, myself included, but can we really handle honesty, you know? I talked to a woman once, she’s like, “Oh, I’m just honest with people. I don’t mess around. I’m just honest with people.” I was like, “Really? All right. I’m a guy, I ask you out for dinner, you don’t wanna go, what would you say?” She said, “I would say, ‘I’m not interested in getting dinner with you.'” And on one hand, that’s really nice, right? There’s no games there, you know exactly where you stand, you’re not wasting your time. On the other hand, though, could you imagine actually receiving a text like that? “Hey, you wanna get dinner sometime?” “I’m not interested in getting dinner with you.” God damn! What are you, a demon? That’s the meanest, coldest shit anyone’s ever said to me, okay? I’m a person. I have feelings, okay? I’m just a fellow human being that wanted to break bread with you and get to know you a little better. Is that such a horrifying situation? I was basically like, “Hey, you want some free food?” You’re like, “Not if your presence is involved. You got a gift certificate? I’ll go with my friend.” I don’t know what the best way to deal with it is, man. I do think it’s tough. I do think silence might be the worst, though. Silence to me seems like the rudest, most cowardly way to handle a situation. And it’s also the one that hurts the other person the most, right? We’ve all been on the other end of that. That’s the worst, man. The worst is when you meet someone you’re really into and you feel that connection. You know what I’m talking about? When you meet that person… “Oh, my God. We both felt that. No games this time, deep connection. No games, deep connection. No games… deep connection.” You send the first text, you’re all confidence. “Forget about it, it’s done. Wrap it up, put it in a bag, write my name on it… ’cause it’s done.” Twenty minutes later, no response. “Okay, well, I’m sure she’s just busy with a couple of things, and any minute now…” Three hours later, “Fuck! I put too many exclamation points in my text! What was I thinking? I should have said ‘Hey’ with two ‘Y’s, ‘ not three ‘Y’s.’ I’m so stupid!” Three hours earlier. You’re looking up vacation packages on Orbitz, you’re planning birthdays, holidays, a whole life together. And now it’s all gone away, and you have no idea why. And this is when people start going crazy. ‘Cause in the past, let’s say you’re in a situation like this, someone doesn’t call or write you back, you get over it with time, right? Out of sight, out of mind. The problem now is, we don’t give ourselves the luxury of out of sight, out of mind. ‘Cause what happens now when you get into one of these situations? We all become detectives. We start opening up tabs: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. “All right, let’s see every single thing this motherfucker’s doing instead of texting me back. GPS on screen two! Instagram on screen three! Let’s see what they’re looking at right now!” And it’s a brutal thing to do to yourself. You should not do it because, ah, you’re in the most vulnerable position, right? You put yourself out there. You’re like… ♪ I like you, baby You like me ♪ Any guy or girl in that situation, that’s what they’re feeling. And you’re just waiting for something to put your heart at ease, but instead, you’re getting nothing. Then you go on the Internet, you’re reading stuff like, “Mmm, eating ice cream and watching Dexter. Hash mark, I really need a man.” “What? I just asked you out! You know I follow you! You know I’m reading this. What kind of evil is inside of you?” And it seems like an area where we could all be a little bit more thoughtful, right? Uh, ’cause, look, anytime someone asks you out, whether it’s a guy asking a girl or girl asking a guy, whatever the scenario, that person is paying you a huge compliment, right? They’re basically saying, “Hey, out of the infinite number of things I could do with my time, what I’d like to do is spend some time with you, ’cause I think there’s something special about you, and I’d like to get to know you better and see if there’s a connection there.” That’s a very nice thing for someone to say, I feel like you should respect that a little bit. So, maybe don’t post your dumb photos and stuff up. Like, you wouldn’t treat people that way 20, 30 years ago. Twenty, 30 years ago, if someone asked you out and you weren’t interested, you wouldn’t send a package to their house, “Here’s some photos of me and my friends at the beach. Here’s a photo of a puppy I saw on the street. Here’s a bunch of photos of me and some other guy. Am I fucking him? Maybe. Why don’t you think about that for a few hours?” So, that’s it, man. Anyone here that’s single, they have some version of that nonsense in their phone, right? Clap if you’re single and you met someone in the past few days, past week or so, and you’ve been texting back and forth. Clap if that’s your situation. Clap right now. Okay… If you’re in that situation, do me a favor right now. Pull out your phone and scroll to the very, very first message that you have with this person. And when you get to the very, very, very first message, come on to the front stage over here through this aisle here. So, go ahead, pull out your phone, scroll to the very first message, when you get to the first message, come to the front, right here, in front of this gentleman here. Miss, you at the top message? Yeah? All right, so how long ago did you meet this person? Uh, September 2nd. September 2nd. Okay, so let’s see what happened, okay? So… he sends the first message. He sends it Tuesday, September 2nd at 11:26 p.m. Odd time to send a first message. He says, “Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot, it’s Chris.” He said his last name, but I don’t wanna repeat it in case he gets murdered. “Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot.” I like that, “dot-dot-dot.” “Hey, Ashley…” “It’s Chris. It was nice to hang– It was–” It started so smooth. “Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot, it’s Chris.” And then he goes, “It was nice to hanging with you…” Chris, no! Proofread! “It was nice to–” His voice changes for the rest of the bit now, after that. Earlier, it was, “Hey, Ashley, it’s Chris.” Now it’s, “Hey, Ashley, it’s Chris. It was nice to hanging with you at BM. Hope you’re recovering well. Let’s grab a coffee sometime.” And then, you send a text back the next day at 1:05 p.m. You say, “Hey, exclamation. Glad you made it out alive. Headed to Soho House with Erica now. I’m also around after 6:00 tomorrow or in the afternoon Friday.” Whoa! You must really like this guy! Who the fuck… Who the fuck opens up their schedule that much? If the Dalai Lama was like, “I really wanna get tea with you sometime, Aziz,” I’d be like, “Uh, let’s just check in next week, Dalai Lama.” And so, then he sends a message Thursday at 11:55 a.m. and he goes, “I thought I’d see you at Marquee last night.” And then, he tries to send… Sorry, all these places sound kind of douche-y. I’m really sorry. No judgments here, but… It’s not like, “I thought I’d see you at that MoMA exhibit.” It’s like, “Why weren’t you at the club? There was a foam party!” And then… you guys text back and forth, you get the coffee. Did you guys get the coffee? – Uh, yeah. – And how was the coffee? – Did you have fun? – It was okay. Yeah? It was okay? All right, so let’s see where things are right now, okay? Yesterday, 9:44 p.m. “So, what did we miss at Marquee last night?” God damn it, Ashley, go to some better places. Quit wasting your life in these shitty clubs. No, no, no, it’s fine. And then he says, “Is that what you’re up to tonight?” And then you say, “I’m on my way to the Aziz show at MSG.” And he goes, “Oh, okay, dot-dot-dot. Enjoy.” Ashley, I think I speak for everyone here when I say, “Fuck this guy.” Thank you very much for sharing that with us, Ashley. So, that’s it, man. That’s what everyone has to deal with now. When they meet someone, they have to engage in that kind of stuff. And I was in that world for a long time. And it can be fun, but it can get frustrating. And now I’m in a different world, now I’m in a relationship, and the rela– Don’t do that shit. Don’t clap. That is so rude to all the single people here. I used to do stand-up where I said I was single, no one ever clapped, no one said shit. No one was like, “Get it, Aziz! Fuck everybody! Now is your time!” Both things are very fun. It’s fun being single, it’s fun being in a relationship. They’re both fun, all right? But I’m in the relationship right now and the relationship’s going great. But it’s also fairly new, it’s about a year and a few months. I feel like whenever you talk to people in longer relationships, they’re always like, “Oh, my God. Those first few years are such a magical time. You have to enjoy that, it’s so amazing.” And it’s weird being in the magical zone, and knowing that the magic is gonna change soon. You know what I mean? Like, right now, things are crazy. Like, right now, um, you know, last time I was in New York, there was a bad snowstorm, and I stepped in this huge puddle of sludge and my foot got soaked. And the first thing I did was I sent her a text. I said, “You know how you feel days like today, when you step in a puddle of sludge and your foot gets soaked? Every second with you, it feels like the pure opposite of that.” Aw! And yes, that’s a little cheesy or whatever, but I’m just sharing that so you know, that’s where my heart is, right? But what’s weird is knowing that that text will eventually change, right? Like, people in long relationships, doesn’t that text eventually change? Doesn’t that text eventually become like, “Fuck! I stepped in some sludge. Do we have to get dinner with your friends? Can you tell them I died in a hovercraft accident? I never wanna see ’em again. Why do we always hang out with my friends? ‘Cause they’re better people!” But I hope we’re able to maintain some version of that love as things go on, ’cause it’s an amazing thing. It’s so beautiful to get messages like that. She sent me a message one time, she said, “You feel like home to me. Even if we’re in a hotel or something, I feel like I’m home, ’cause I’m with you. And when I wake up and I see your face, I remember that I’m home. That’s one of the reasons I love you so much.” She sent me that when I went away for five minutes to take a shit. You realize how awesome it is to be shitting and to read a message like that? It was like waste was leaving my body and love was coming in. It was… an amazing feeling. Did you guys know there’s actually two different types of love? There is, it’s true. There’s two different types of love. There’s passionate love and companion love. Passionate love is like the crazy love you feel when you first meet someone and you’re going crazy, you’re just like, “Ahh!” But that eventually calms down into something different called companion love, which is not worse, it’s just different, less intense. And, you know, it’s kind of a bummer, but I get it. I understand why we have the two different types of love. You couldn’t just have the crazy love your whole life, ’cause then society wouldn’t function, right? We’d all just be in our homes, just staring at each other like… And the streets would just be filled with homeless children eating garbage, riding large animals. I get it. So that’s why we have two different types of love. But when I first heard about that, I was like, “Wouldn’t it be interesting to just have the crazy stuff for a while? What would that be like?” Maybe, instead of having one long relationship, you have a bunch of shorter relationships. Your graph of love and happiness is just like, boom, boom, boom! But, you know, I don’t think you can do that graph. I’ve tried to do that graph, I’ve seen friends try to do that graph. And, yes, it can be a lot of fun for a while, but eventually that graph gets weird. You know, eventually that graph becomes something like this. You know, it’s like, “Oh, shit! Me and the boys, we’re going out tonight. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. Oh, my God, there’s so many hot girls here. Yeah, this one girl is really into me. Yeah, we’re going home together. Yeah, we’re having sex. Yeah, I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I came! This feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty. I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here! This feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty. Okay, okay, okay! I got out of there. I got out of there. I just got some brunch. I just got some brunch. I’m drinking some water, I’m drinking some coconut water. I’m getting hydrated. That’s right, I’m getting hydrated. I’m ready to run it back! That’s right! Night two, me and the boys, we’re going out tonight! This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be– Okay, no one’s really out tonight. Okay, so, uh… More of a low-key type situation. Okay, me and the boys will just get drunk by ourselves. No shame there. Okay, it’s getting little bit weird, uh… We’ll just get some tacos. Tacos are delicious.” You wake up the next morning, “Oh, my God! Why did I eat three quesadillas then a bowl of cereal? That was really unnecessary. Okay, well… I’m just gonna go back to bed. I feel like garbage, and uh… God, you know, this is fun, hooking up with these hot girls or whatever, but frankly, I wish… I just had someone I really cared about, that I could hold. But I don’t have that person, so… I’m just gonna jerk off and go to bed.” So now, I’m trying the relationship graph. But the relationship graph is fucked up too. Like, if you take the traditional definition of a successful relationship, and you put it in that graph, that graph is fucked up too. This is that graph, okay? You meet the person… “Oh, my God, all these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing! All these– Okay. Some of the experiences are getting repetitive. Some of the experiences are getting repetitive. But you know what? I love this person so much. We’re getting married! Yeah! We’re getting married! Oh, my God, we have a wedding! All our friends came! This is so fun! I can’t believe it! I’m a husband. I have a wife. Oh, my God, this is the great– Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, this is so hard! Oh, my God, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, okay, okay! The kid’s walking around and talking and saying stuff. This is amazing. I’ve never felt so proud of anything in my entire life. Oh, my God, we just had another kid! Oh, my God, we just had another kid! Why did we stop using the birth control? That was so stupid! And why did we think it would be easier the second time around? This is not analogous at all! There is now two goddamn people at the same goddamn time! It’s so much harder! We gotta– Oh, my God, we gotta pay for all the stuff! How does anyone afford children? We gotta get them into a good kindergarten. What the fuck’s a good kindergarten? They just sing songs! Who is fucking that up? Okay, okay, okay, okay, we got them into the good kindergarten. We got them into the good kindergarten. We got them in. Now they’re in elementary school. They’re drawing pictures and stuff, this is pretty cool. Okay, now they’re in adolescence. Oh, these kids are fucking pricks! I fucking hate these kids! I want them to die! I want them to die! I want my whole family to die! I don’t really want them to die. I just wanna feel what it would feel like to murder every single person I live with. Okay, I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Okay, now they’re in high school. They’re in high school now. This is good, they’re in high school, a little bit older. I can hang out with them. Oh, God. One of the kids might be having sex. Yeah, he might be doing drugs. I gotta put spyware on his phone to make sure he’s not messing around. This is my life now. I gotta read this mess whenever I get home from work. ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ ‘Nothing. You wanna come hang out later?’ ‘Maybe.’ ‘All right.’ ‘Well–‘ Will you fucking buy some weed already so I can justify this use of my time? Okay, okay! One of the kids is going to college. He’s gone, he’s gone. Oh, shit, the other kid’s gone. They’re both gone. It’s just us in the house together again. We’re spending time together again. We’ve refound our passionate love! Finally, we can travel the world! I’m too tired to travel the world. Let’s just take it easy. Let’s just take it easy. Let’s just take it easy in the house. It’s fine. We got the house to ourselves. This is good. You know, it’s okay. It’s kind of boring, but it’s good. We don’t have to work and stuff. It’s okay. It’s fine, the kids come to visit every now and then, it’s okay. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God, my wife is sick. Oh, no, my wife’s sick. Oh, no, my wife just passed. Oh, God, I’m all by myself. I’m so alone. Oh, God, I’m sick now too. I’m sick now too. I can’t even walk. I can’t even walk. I’ve walked my entire life, and now I can’t even walk. But now I get to get one of those Rascal scooters! I’m gonna drive that motherfucker everywhere!” New York, thank you so much! Thank you again for coming out, I really do appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. You guys can sit down. Thank you so much. Um, serious question here. Has anyone here ever seen a ghost? I love ghost stories. Someone once told me and my girlfriend this really scary ghost story about a little boy. And it was so scary, and she gets really scared of ghosts. So, I started doing this thing where every now and then we’re asleep, I’ll just wake her up in the middle of the night and I’ll just be like, “Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, boo… what’s that little boy doing over there?” And she hates it! And I love it! And I do it all the time. What I’d really like to do, though, one day, is… And this is like something… I don’t know if it might be too messed up to do, but, um… She’s, like, the nicest, sweetest person. Anytime I need a drink in the middle of the night, she’s always like, “Oh, I’ll go down and get it.” I’m always like, “No, no, it’s fine. I’ll get it.” But what if, one night, I was like, “Yeah, can you go down and get it?” And then she goes downstairs, and there, unbeknownst to her… I’ve hired a little boy. And he’s wearing, like, old-timey clothes. And as soon as she gets downstairs, he’s just like, “Mommy, where have you been?” I wanna do it so bad! But I can’t. I’ve thought it through, there’s three reasons why I can’t do it. One, I would never wanna scare anyone that bad, right? That’s a terrifying thing. Two, if I did pull it off, I’d live in eternal fear over what the fuck she was gonna do to get back at me. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure she’s not gonna let that one slide. And three, this is probably the biggest reason not to do it, she would murder the little boy. Like, the little boy’s dead. So, I don’t think I can do it. I’m a good boyfriend, though. She’s never really been upset with me about anything, that I can think of. The only time I remember she was kind of mad was once, when I was flying from New York to New Zealand. I was gonna be gone for a while to go to a wedding. I was calling her when I was on the plane to talk to her before we took off, and I got her voicemail, so I texted her. I was, like, “Hey, it’s me. Just wanted to talk before the flight took off.” And she texts me back and says, “I called you four hours ago.” And I could tell she was upset, ’cause she also included the emoji of the Indian guy with the gun beside his head. This tipped me off. So I called her back and I was like, “What’s up with that? Why you gotta say that? What did I do?” She’s like, “I called you four hours ago.” I was like, “I know. I was busy packing and everything. I knew I’d have time to call you when I got on the plane. That’s why I waited.” She’s like, “Oh, you were busy? You were busy. Well, I looked on your friend’s Instagram and he posted a photo of you hanging out by the pool, snapping Polaroids. So, I feel like, if you have time to hang out by the pool and play with your Polaroid camera, I think you have time to call me back.” And I was like, “Okay, I’m sorry.” Cut to a week later. It’s Valentine’s Day, I’ve done all this romantic stuff, and it’s time for us to exchange gifts. I have her gift, it’s all wrapped up, and I’m just like, uh… “So, hey, remember, like, a week ago, you were upset that… I didn’t call you back and I was hanging out by the pool, playing with a Polaroid camera? Well, the reason I was doing that is, I bought you this nice vintage Polaroid camera and I just wanted to make sure it worked before I gave it to you. So, here’s your gift.” Fuck you! And she felt horrible, which is the greatest Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever received. New York, thank you again! This was awesome. Thank you guys again so much for coming out. Thank you very, very much. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. This was fucking awesome. Thanks. Good night. These are my parents. Thank you again. Good night.

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JUDAH FRIEDLANDER: AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE UNITED STATES (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/judah-friedlander-america-is-the-greatest-country-in-the-united-states-2017-full-transcript/

I think being an American is a preexisting condition. My hair used to be black. Now every year white hairs show up. Next year more white hairs moving in. It makes me mad, makes me sad ’cause it means my head is getting gentrified. And… there is nothing I can do to stop it. Pretty soon I won’t be able to afford it. But I keep moving forward because I’m an American. I just wrote a movie about a piñata that comes back to life and murders all the children that beat her with a stick. That’s right, I said her. It’s piñata, not piñato. Okay? Piñatas are females who have been getting abused by children at the encouragement of parents for centuries. I like trilogies. That’s why I’m so excited about World War III. The original was a landmark. Everyone loved that one. A lot of critics and fans think the second one was better than the first, and… We’ve all been waiting over 70 years for the final chapter in the trilogy. I wish they would just give it to us already. I… I think the next one could be the highest-grossing. I just hope they don’t ruin it with too much merchandising. I do a lot of charity work. Anyone else? You seem like great people. I just donated to this organization, Doctors Without Passports. It’s a group of doctors who wanna help sick people in foreign countries but they’re not motivated enough to get a passport. Try to chip in and make a difference. I wrote a self-help book for trees. It’s called How Not to Become a Book. I’m hoping to sell 10 million copies. I just made a documentary about the horrors of human trafficking during rush hour. I’m always trying to help people. Anyone from far away? Or, uh…? – Where are you from? – Guatemala. Yeah. – Guatemala. – Guatemala’s not that far. I was actually there this morning. I, uh… I was gonna fly in for the show, but it was nice out so I parkoured my way over here, and so… I care about the planet, I don’t use up carbon footprints, just real footprints. What else? Who else? – Mexico. It’s pronounced Mexico, okay. Mexico. – Where in Mexico? – Monterrey. Mm-hm. It’s Monterrey. Monterrey. I used to live in downtown Monterrey, Mexico. What part? I lived on First Street. Sorry, it was Uno Street. It was Uno Street. The number one street in Monterrey, Mexico. That’s why it’s called Uno Street. Welcome, great to have you here. – Where you from? – England. England, at one point, you used to own the whole world. What happened? I don’t think you are an evil, imperialistic nation. I think you were simply a country that was in search of better-tasting cuisine. I, uh… I think one day your troops wandered over to India, took a lunch break, and were like, “Wow. This curry is just dandy. Let’s take this recipe back to the queen.” Your general said, “No, this is too good. We should surround this nation with our troops and protect this chicken tikka masala recipe. Make sure it stays authentic.” And, England, you used to own us. Yeah, you did. You used to own us. And then we defeated you. Took your language and perfected it. You got nothing left. Your last piece of dignity, David Beckham, lives here. He named his son Brooklyn, it’s over. That’s the second American Revolutionary War, Beckham naming his son Brooklyn. The tie is up at seven. – What do you do, England? – I organize events. You organize events. It sounds like you’re a terrorist. I’m gonna kick your ass after the show. Any other countries? – Germany. Where in Germany? West Germany. Have you learned the name of the town yet or…? Or you know it’s in the western part of your country? As a German I expect more precision with your answer. – Lithuania. – Lithuania. Got a zero from the crowd, sir, but I… I think it’s one of the top, uh, ten ex-Soviet countries. I, uh… Welcome. What do you do for a living? – Student. – Student? You get paid to go to school? Okay. What do you study? – Physical education. – Physical education. You study physical education. So, when kids are in gym class, you’re looking through the window and taking notes? That’s a crime in this country. Well, all of you, uh, Mexico, Venezuela, Argentina, Germany, Ireland, Australia, Netherlands, Switzerland, all of you, welcome to the number one country. Welcome. Thank you for coming all the way from your little amateur, junior varsity country to an actual real, professional and number one country. Netherlands, beautiful country. Most indecisive country in the world. You’re the Netherlands, you’re also Holland. And when you meet someone you tell them to call you Dutch. You’ve been a country a long time now, pick a fucking name. Healthiest country in the world. Everyone bicycles every day in the Netherlands. Yet they’ve never won the Tour de France. Sad, dude. Twice. Switzer… No. That’s a Dutch myth. Yeah, that actually never happened. Netherlands, what’s your rank worldwide? What do you guys rank? We’re number one, but what do you guys rank? Last time I checked the charts, I didn’t see you guys on it. I know you’re one of the top 30 countries in Europe, but, you know, like worldwide, what’s the rank? You don’t know? Let’s go to the stats. All right, Netherlands, uh, how many, uh…? How many gun murders a year do you have? Like three? Four? We have 30,000. And you know why? ‘Cause we’re number one. And think about it, why does America have so many more gun murders than the Netherlands? It’s because our country has superior aim. We’re… We’re better marksmen. You all have no hand-eye coordination. That’s… That’s why you’re playing soccer. That’s why you never won the World Series. Netherlands, another question. Um… When a woman in Netherlands gives birth to a baby, how much time is she given off of work and maybe even paid for that time off of work? One year. Women in Netherlands are given a year of paid leave after giving birth. Know how much time women in America are given off of work after they give birth to a baby? Zero. And you know why? It’s because our women care about the economy. That’s why the euro is going down. Number one. Netherlands, another question. Um… How many people imprisoned in the Netherlands? I don’t mean emotionally, but literally, how many people imprisoned in the Netherlands? – We close down prisons. – You close down your prisons? No. No one has the courage to steal? Just sad, dude. Just sad, dude. You probably have about 350 people in prison. We have 2.6 million people in prison in this country. That means we have a government that cares so much about its citizens it awards 2.6 million of them free meals and housing. And some of them are given a lifetime supply. And they cannot say no. It’s a mandatory gesture of unconditional love. I’m sorry your government hates you. We have 2.6 million people in prison in this country. Kim Kardashian has 50.7 million followers on Twitter. We are incarcerating the wrong people. That’s the way I see it. I was just in Italy. Have you been there? – Did you like it? – Yes. Really? I was not impressed. I traveled all over Italy, not one Olive Garden in the entire country. All these tiny Italian restaurants that nobody’s ever even heard of before, not one good enough to warrant opening a second one and starting a chain. Just failing across the entire country. Sad, but… We even have the greatest Irish restaurant in the world, McDonald’s. That’s why the Irish have been moving here for decades. Now, where do you guys stand on professional sports teams using racist mascots? I’m against it. But what about McDonald’s and their mascot? Now, like I said, McDonald’s, greatest Irish restaurant, and the Irish are known for often having fair skin and reddish hair. And you look at the McDonald’s mascot, it’s literally a fucking clown. A painted white face, blood-red hair and nose. How is that not offensive to our friends in the Irish community? Why are they not marching and protest…? I think they must be too drunk to notice. I can’t think of one reason they’re not sticking up for themselves. Question for the Europeans in the crowd. How come when you go to Europe nobody ever really tips the, uh, waiters and the waitresses at a restaurant? – They have better minimum wage. – No, sir. It’s because they have inferior waiters and waitresses. America has the most elite waitstaff on the planet. Plus we’re just a more generous country. We’re givers. That’s why we have military bases in over 80 different countries. We care. America has military bases in Europe, Europe has zero military bases in America. Why? Because they’re fucking selfish. And we have the best drones in the world. Drones are designed to do a surgical strike, to take out one person at a time. Ours often kill up to 20 or 25 people at a time. That’s an overachieving victory drone. Now, I’m against the military using drone strikes because it takes away American jobs. And… Now, outside the military, drones are starting to deliver packages. That takes jobs away from birds. This country used to have carrier pigeons, and now they are all out of work. That’s the real reason we have Angry Birds. We’re the fattest country in the world. Another reason we’re number one, and we keep getting fatter. Why? Because the galaxy is expanding. We’re the only country adapting to it. European countries, you’re too healthy. Pretty soon you’re gonna lose your gravity and float in outer space, and then we will wobble over and take your land. That’s why California gets those earthquakes. Too many skinny people, not heavy enough to hold that earth down. The Midwest, no earthquakes because people are fucking solid. I teach science part-time online at Dunkin’ Donuts Academy. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. We’re number one in type 2 diabetes. – Any other countries? – Canada. – Where? – Canada. Why did you say that? We were having a good time without… We’re all here having fun and you had to say Canada. Canada, do you realize we could’ve invaded you at any point in history? We were just never interested. We actually marched all the way through your country, skipped it, then took Alaska. Like, “You want this?” “No.” “What about this here?” “Not feeling it.” “Oh, look, Alaska. We’ll take that.” Canada, in the War of 1812, you burned down the White House and we still did not invade you. Because we came to the realization that living in Canada was punishment enough. So polite, Canada, so polite. I was just on Canadian Tinder. It was, uh… There was no swipe left, only swipe rights. Just… Too polite to say no to anybody. Said, “Well, not my type, but who knows, it could work out. It could work out.” – A lot of Canadians hate America. – No. No, you do, but you don’t admit it because you’re too polite and nice. – That’s true! – And you hate us because you think we hate you. But we don’t hate you, we just don’t notice you. Canada is like, “America, show us some love. We’re Canada, we have free healthcare, no violence.” We’re like, “We’re busy.” You see, America, we’re the cheerleaders and the quarterbacks. And Canada is like the nerdy kid who just moved here even though he’s been here the whole fucking time. Understand what I’m saying? Canada gets American news. America does not get Canadian news unless it’s a story about a crackhead mayor acting like a stupid American. See, Canada, when you’re better than us, we ignore you. When you dumb it down, we wanna hang out. This will sum up the entire Canadian-American dynamic. As an American, you go to Canada, you don’t have to switch American money over to Canadian money. That’s how friendly and polite they are. They save you that hassle of going to the exchange place just so that you, a foreigner in their land, can have more free time. Very nice. If a Canadian comes to America and tries to put one little shiny, sparkly Canadian quarter into some dirty slot in an American parking meter, we’re like, “Get that fucking shit out of here.” That’s the relationship. And as a result, Canada has low self-esteem. And there is proof in your money. Who is printed on American money? American presidents for the most part. And who is printed on a lot of Canadian money? The Queen of England. How do you think that makes the Queen of Canada feel? Dear Canada, before you want America to love you, learn to love yourself. We’re just a better country, Canada. You have red and white in your flag. We have red, white, and blue on our flag. That’s why we’re number one. We’ve got red, white, and blue in our flag just like Cuba and North Korea. We’re a flawless nation. America is the greatest country in the United States. You cannot argue that. How does it feel being in Canada, living so close to greatness? Yet so far away at the same time. It feels awesome. Way too much energy for Canada. Way too much energy. Israel. – Where? – Israel. Cool. Where in Palestine are you from? – Any other countries? – Israel. – Where? – Here, Israel. – Where in Israel? – Right here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah… I ju… This is not Israel here, so… I’m from right here in Israel. Wow, no wonder why there’s so much conflict with Palestine. Like everywhere we go is Israel. Doesn’t matter. If, uh… we built settlements down here, yeah, that’s Israel. We take a plane to New York, that’s Israel, too. Okay? Wherever we go, it’s fucking Israel, okay? So, you’re from Israel? Cool. You’re Asian. Yes, you are. You’re Asian. Israel is in Asia. It’s not in Africa. It’s not in Europe. The Mideast is not a continent. You’re Asian. Jesus was Asian. Santa Claus is Asian. That’s why all the toys say “made in China.” I was just in China, met a 5-year-old boy. His toy said, “I made this.” I like China. China has my favorite air quality. I don’t trust the air in America. I don’t trust what I can’t see. In China, you can see it. I trust that. It’s honest air. Without transparency, they achieve transparency. You’re from Israel, what should happen? Should Israel have a two-state solution? A one-state solution? Or just a free-for-all? What should happen? – I’m gunning for the two states. – The two-state? Okay. So, you’re thinking maybe you should do what we did in our country with Carolina? For centuries it was just Carolina, and… they were always at war with each other. North… The north part of Carolina was building settlements in the southern parts and making life very, very difficult for them. They would sometimes throw rocks back at them, and… And then we split them up into two completely separate states. North and South Carolina. And now they are the two most shining examples of perfect states in our country. North Carolina and South Carolina have had zero problems and are the best states in the nation since we did that, so… I don’t know, maybe you’re right, or maybe not. Uh… How about you? What do you do? You look like you teach chess to cops. Smart but solid. Sounds good to me. – Yeah? Where is home? Australia? – Yeah. – What part? – Melbourne. It’s pronounced Melbourne. Yeah, it’s Melbourne. You almost got it. You almost got it. Melbourne. M-E-L-B-O-U-R-N-E. Melbourne. Australians are always mispronouncing their own names. They don’t say Melbourne, they say Melbourne. They don’t say Perth, they say Perth. And it has nothing to do with your accent. I mean, as a country, you’re acist against the letter R. I think the actual name of your country is Raustralia. But you efused to say R more than one time in a word. Australia, you’re a lot like America. But you’re a lot behind us. You’re a lot younger than us. You’re a big country like us, but you’ve only got cities along the coast. You’ve got nothing in the middle. Here in America, we’ve got cities along the coast and throughout the middle. Except nobody wants to visit the cities in the middle. So, even though you’re behind, you’re actually ahead. Well done, Raustralia. Now, ahem… Australia, why are you so far away from the rest of the world? What’s up with that? I think it’s because you’re scared. Of every country. Except Okay, where you from? – Denmark. Denmark, very nice, too. That’s Scandinavia. Beautiful part of the world. Interesting part of the world, Scandinavia. Almost all white people… yet still segregated. The popular people are in Sweden, the rich people in Norway, artsy people in Denmark, and the depressed nerds with zero self-esteem waiting to kill themselves are in Finland. And… the people you do not even acknowledge are in Iceland. So, it’s interesting how you work out these things. Is anyone from another, uh, state? Anyone from another state? – Where are you from? – Chicago. Chicago. Correct answer would’ve been Illinois. See? That’s Americans right there. We’re dumb, but we’re confident. One of the many reasons we’re number one. – Where did you grow up? – Spain. – Where? – From Spain. It’s pronounced España. España. Why do you change the name of your country when you go to other countries? – You call it España? – Sure. Sure? You’re just agreeing with me now? Or like is that the answer? – Seriously. – Okay. Then you should call it that in… Wherever you go. – Yeah. – Okay. When someone from the United States goes to Spain they don’t say they’re from Estados Unidos. They get it wrong in a different way. They say they’re from the States. But no one ever here, if someone asked if they’re from here, say they’re from the States. If you’re already here and you say you’re from the States, they will think you’re not fucking from here. I met some people a few weeks ago and I asked them where they were from and they said South Korea. I’m like, “No, just say Korea.” ‘Cause when you say South Korea it sounds like you’re North Korean pretending to be South Korean. If you’re here and you’re from one of the Koreas, we know it’s South Korea. What’s the lamest state in the country? What’s the lamest state? – Utah. – No, no, no. – Delaware. – No. – Delaware. – No. – New Jersey. – All inferior states, yes, but not the lamest. The lamest? Washington state. It’s the only state that has to specify that they’re a state. Because if you just say Washington, you think Washington, D.C. Which is not even a state. You don’t say, “Where you from?” “Virginia state.” Yeah… No. But Washington state you say. How about this table, where are you from? – New York. – New York, that’s here, sir. Sir, let me explain something. You ask someone where they’re from and they say the name of the city you’re currently at, it implies you don’t know where the fuck you are, okay? – Where in New York do you live? – Tribeca. Tribeca. It’s a very dangerous neighborhood. Look at someone the wrong way on the streets of Tribeca, they might unfollow you on Instagram. Tribeca is one of the most diverse neighborhoods in New York City. Where else can you find hedge fund CEOs living right next door to venture capitalists? Both upstairs from a CVS that’s inside of a Walgreens. Which are both inside a Citibank. Where else can you find that but the melting pot that is New York City? Our slogan is “Welcome to New York.” We are the only city whose slogan is sarcastic. Like, “What is this shit? The ATM just took an additional $60 out of my account. Holy fuck, where’s my phone?” Welcome to New York. Our slogan is “go fuck yourself.” A lot of the new kids moving here do not know that. They listen to Taylor Swift sing a song called “Welcome to New York.” And when she sings it, she means it. That’s not right. I’m trying to tell you if you’re walking around the city, and you happen to see Taylor Swift, rob her. So that she can learn what her own song means. ‘Cause she doesn’t fucking know. The new regime wants to bring back the policing tactic of stop-and-frisk. What do you guys think about that? I’m against it. Stop-and-frisk was proven to be unconstitutional and ineffective. Studies show that 90 percent of the people who were stopped and frisked by police were black and Latino men. And 95 percent of the time they were stopped and frisked, they were innocent. There was no reason for them to be stopped and frisked, yet they were stopped and frisked. So, what does that mean? Cops are gay. Cops are gay. And they prefer black and Latino men 90 percent over all other men. And I think that is discriminatory towards other men who want to be molested and squeezed by sweaty cops. That’s my stance. A friend of mine just went to a pro-police brutality rally, and the cops beat the shit out of him, they… Be very careful what protests you go to. Protesting, one of the most important things you can do, just double-check which one of these you’re going to. If you’re transgender you should be able to go to whatever bathroom you think you should go to. I don’t know what the deal about that is. I think we all grew up in households with unsegregated bathrooms. It’s not until we ventured out in the public they started segregating bathrooms. And I think even more importantly, as a nation, we need to start shitting outside again and marking our territory and taking this country back from the other animals. – Yeah. – Other animals try to infiltrate us. Look at dogs, they’re wearing clothes now trying to be like us. We’ve gotta stamp this out before it’s too big of a problem. I think God is fake news. No, not your God. I’m talking about that other God. People are freaking out about fake news like it’s something new. What about the horoscope section in the newspaper? That’s been fake news for at least a couple of months at this point, right? Kale is delicious. Fake news. That’s fake news. It’s fake news. I think O.J. Simpson… is innocent. I saw the trial, he was in court. They put a glove recovered from the murder scene, tried to put it on his hand, his hand was too big. The glove did not fit. Donald Trump has very small hands. Donald Trump framed O.J. Simpson for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Trump is a career racist. At the time, O.J., one of the most popular black men in America. It’s a closed case. And if you disagree with me, you’re fucking racist. Well, they say love wins. I think hate has a pretty strong track record. – Do you think love wins? – No. – No. – No. No, it doesn’t. Because love is not a competition. If you view love as something about winning or losing, you don’t know what love is about. Sometimes I get deep. You gotta be fucking ready for it. I think Trump was an excellent candidate for hate. I think Bernie was a good candidate for love. I think Hillary was neither. So, love never even got to the finals. Well, who is ready to join the rebellion and fight for democracy? That’ll do it. Yeah. That was just the energy level necessary to overthrow a dictatorship. I… I think some of that energy and a couple of new apps, and, uh, we’ll be just fine. Apps make the world go around. Always remember it was the, uh, Voting Rights app of 1965 that got black Americans the voter protection they needed. And it was not until the great ice bucket challenge of 1920 that women got the right to vote. Once that went viral, things worked out perfectly for women forever without a glitch. Think we should have had a recount? – Yeah. – Yes. I don’t think we should have had a recount. Because I think as a nation one of our strong points is not math. Well, it’s official, Donald Trump is the 45th greatest president of the United States. I… I just can’t believe that Donald Trump is now living in government housing. You know, he has fallen off so hard. He used to be at the top, now he is in the projects. He is in the White House. Fifty bucks says in six months he tries to flip it, sell it for a profit. If Trump had any balls he’d do his next press conference in fluent Russian just to fuck with people. I did not vote for Donald Trump. I wrote in Eric Trump. I just think he’s so cool. Eric Trump always looks like he just realized he lost his keys. He always looks like he just found out someone else is sleeping with his wife, and it’s his dad. He can’t do anything about it ’cause it’s also his boss. We live in an oligarchy, but with, uh, humidity it feels like a dictatorship. I don’t think the mother of all bombs did a good job raising her kids. I think Mike Pence thinks being gay is a choice because he made a choice to be straight. Mike Pence was just in Korea, near the DMZ. He made a speech and he said the era of strategic patience is over. So, I guess he’s coming out of the closet any second now. I’m against North Korea using nuclear weapons. Because that is cultural appropriation of the United States, and that is not okay. I think I’m gonna have to be the next president. Yup, 2017, that’s my year. Not waiting until 2020. 2017. I’m challenging Trump tomorrow, three o’clock, White House parking lot. I’ll be like, “Let’s go, Trump. One-on-one for the presidency. Oh. You wanna wait three years? Are you scared? Let’s fucking go now.” I’ll take him down in the first debate. I’ll be like, “Yeah, Trump, I’ve got a question. How can you look at your two sons, Donald and Eric, and still be pro-life? How can you do that? You have two minutes to answer the question. One minute for each son. Done.” He does have a big following, but I will defeat him. He’s got some of the Republican vote, some of the Democrat vote, some of the antiestablishment vote, he’s got the racism vote, he’s got the sexism vote, and now with the support of Chris Christie and Ben Carson, he has the sleep apnea vote as well. But I will defeat him. Any questions about my presidential platform for 2017? Any issues close to your heart you would like me to address? Nothing? You lead privileged lives. There’s not one issue you’re concerned about? Global warming. Everybody’s gotta start taking off their clothes. It’s getting hot, it’s time everybody starts appreciating each other’s bodies. Solid question. – Yes. Over here. – Healthcare. Healthcare? We don’t need it. We’re Americans, we’re strong. Europeans need it because they’re inferior and they have no confidence. When I’m president I say everyone gets healthcare. Except the insurance companies. Fuck them. We kill them off first then we can really change lives. A lot of European countries look down on America ’cause they have healthcare, and we don’t. But at least we have air conditioning. Air conditioning is illegal in Europe. At least in America, we can get a fatal disease and have the dignity of rotting in a cooled-down apartment. Instead of being stuck all healthy and sweaty in Belgium, or as I call it, the Delaware of Europe. No one has been to Delaware. See? No one has been to Delaware. Maybe you drove through it accidentally and you were like, “What the fuck is this?” Then you said, “Oh, it’s the first state? I guess we’ve made a lot of improvements since then. Let’s try to forget this shit ever happened.” When I’m president I’m gonna make Puerto Rico the 50th state. I’m demoting Delaware. It’s our first state, we’ve yet to be impressed. Puerto Rico is getting a shot. International policies. Foreign policy step one, invade North Dakota. Send North Korea a message. Strategy, strategy. Foreign policy step two, invade Switzerland. That’s what they get for being neutral all these years. When you are silent, you side with the oppressors. How will we defeat them? By using their own Swiss army knives against them. We’ll poke them with that, cut them up with those little scissors. We will defeat them physically and psychologically. And it will not cost us a dime because we will use their Swiss army knives. Foreign policy step three, unblur Japanese porn. Hear me out. It’s more complicated than you think. It goes back all the way to World War II where there were a lot of atrocities. One of them, we dropped two nuclear bombs on Japan killing thousands and thousands, devastating their country for decades. Thirty-five years later, Japan blurred the genitals in their porn. Victory: Japan. It’s time for a truce. Let me ask you a question. Do you like Hawaii? – Never been. – Okay. Well, as president I’m gonna move it to Lake Michigan. Hawaii is beautiful, it is too far away. Move it to Lake Michigan, it’s a five-minute canoe ride from downtown Chicago. Easier for the entire country to visit. Do you all like California? Yeah! Do you like New York? Both cool, again too far away. I have a solution. California here, New York here. We take the bulk of the Midwest and we move it above Canada. New York and California come closer together. You can now take the E train from the Empire State Building to In-N-Out Burger in 23 minutes. By moving all of that land around, that’s gonna create jobs. Yeah! Economy thing. I’ll solve the homeless crisis in this country. A lot of homeless in this country. And what else do we have a lot of in this country? Cars. Right? Young man, what do cars run on? Gas. No, roads actually, sir. Roads. Cars run on roads. And what do some roads have? Tollbooths. Little houses. We make the homeless full-time, live-in tollbooth operators. They’re already good at asking for change. It’s a perfect fit. It’s a perfect fit. I just solved the homeless crisis in America. I think the term homeless can be derogatory. At the beginning of time, everyone was homeless. So, I prefer the term old-fashioned. – Any other issues? – Abortion. Mandatory. Mandatory. I’m a feminist, I’m for women’s rights 100 percent. You want your rights, you got them. As a nation we are overpopulated. Ladies, this is your chance to shine. I’m for women’s rights 100 percent. When I’m president, I’m not gonna have a first lady. Because I think ranking women is sexist. A lot of women in this country get paid less than men to do the same job. It’s a disgrace to the nation. So, I’m gonna make pay equality a reality by lowering men’s wages. We will now have the equality we’ve always dreamed of. Parenthood is usually better when it’s planned, so, uh, we’ll keep Planned Parenthood. I, uh… I actually became a father when I was 15. And at the time I realized I wasn’t mature enough to raise a child of my own, so I adopted. I think I did the right thing. – Any other issues? – Same-sex marriage. You’re talking about gay marriage? Okay, also mandatory. Also mandatory. If you’re a guy and you wanna marry a girl, you’ve gotta fuck a dude first. If you make that work, your relationship with a woman will be pretty simple someday. Plus, some gay guys like hooking up with a straight guy, and all women love putting men through tests. So, it’s a win-win-win situation. Gay marriage was legalized about a year ago. There were a lot of celebrations in New York City. It’s a very exciting time. It was a conflicting time for me because I love gay people, but I hate rainbows. I, uh… I think rainbows are offensive to the blind. I used to be blind. But then I went gluten-free and cleared that shit right up. – Oh, my God. – Now I have better than perfect vision. These glasses make my eyes weaker. If I took these glasses off, your vision would get blurry. You’re welcome. Any other issues? – Immigration. – What? Immigration. You can stay, you can stay. Sometimes you’ve gotta do the right thing. But I’m deporting your friend at 8:30 tomorrow. I don’t like his attitude. When it comes to immigration, let everyone in, have a big party. Unless we have proof someone’s a violent criminal, we need border security. And I have a plan. To seal the borders I’m going to hire the company that makes DVD wrappers. If it takes an hour and a half to open up a DVD package, imagine what they can do with the borders. And if a criminal does sneak through, he gets a free DVD. He gets a free DVD, takes him an hour to open it, and you fucking nail him there. Immigration is a very tricky subject. Just last year, 10,000 children came up through Central American countries, through Mexico, across the U.S. border, and then got busted in Texas. Our government was trying to decide: “What do we do with these 10,000 desperate children?” I think we should have let them stick to their plan, which was get to Canada. I think it’s presumptuous of us to think we were their final destination. We have no healthcare, we’re overcrowded. Canada has free healthcare and could use a few fucking people. Woo! I’m also gonna build a wall through the middle of Mexico. That way they’ll get confused and sneak into Mexico. Strategy. Strategy. Any other issues? We’re getting a lot done. Any other issues? – Legalized pot. – No. What are you, afraid to break the law? You’re sitting at home all day going, “I wanna smoke pot, but I don’t wanna get caught and get in trouble”? Toughen the fuck up, break the law. Be a rebel, break the law. Now, I’m a drug war reenactor, and, uh… If you get busted for doing drugs, tell the cops you’re a drug war reenactor, they get confused, it sounds pro-military, sometimes they let you off. I don’t do drugs. I’m a role model to children. But I believe doing drugs is a personal choice, not the government’s business. So, yeah, when I’m president I’m gonna legalize drugs. But I’m not gonna start with marijuana. I’m gonna start with heroin. If we legalize heroin first, it will be very easy to legalize marijuana after that. Strategy, strategy. You’ve gotta know how to work Congress. Fuck it, I’ll start by legalizing crystal meth. I’ll sidestep Congress. I’ll take it to the people. I’ll mail everyone in the country an envelope. You mail back teeth, that’s a yes. Power to the people. Climate change. I am for climate change. I don’t want the same weather every day. That’s fascism. Who thinks climate change is real? Who thinks it’s man-made? – Yeah. – Yeah. That’s where you’re wrong. Think about it. Temperatures are going up, glaciers are melting, sea levels are rising. Why? Fish are trying to take over the planet. Earth has always been 71 percent water. Now fish want the whole fucking thing. Eat as much sushi as you can. Japan has been leading the way on this for years, it’s time for the rest of the world to step it the fuck up. I teach science part-time online at ChristianMingle.com. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. So, you think climate change is real? You think it’s bad? You’d like to curb it? – And where is home for you? – Uh, Baltimore. – Baltimore? Okay. – Yeah! And do you live in a…? Do you live in a house or an apartment? I live in… Well, I live in New Jersey now, but I’m from Baltimore. Okay, first of all, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. In New Jersey, do you live in a house or an apartment? – Apartment. – In an apartment. – And is it a new or old building? – From the ’80s, so it depends on… – Uh, what floor are you on? – Third. – You have an air conditioner? – Yeah, thank God. Then you are for climate change. Air conditioning literally is climate change. Unless you have your air conditioner on, build a fire in your living room, and let them battle it out, then you are fighting climate change. Otherwise, you’re part of the fucking problem. We’ve gotta save water, people. We’ve gotta save water. That’s why I don’t shower. I just smear hand sanitizer all over my body. I’m sticky, but I’m clean. And I’m saving the planet. Any other questions about my presidency? – Any other issues? – Russia. Russia. We show them Rocky IV. Russia has never seen the entire film Rocky IV. Rocky IV was released in Russia, but it was a heavily edited version. They cut it down to 17 minutes. It ended when Apollo Creed died in the ring and they freeze-framed on Rocky’s crying face. So, they showed it 80 times a day in the theaters. The highest grossing film ever in Russia. They never saw the ending, so we have to show them the real movie and that will clear it up. The point is I think we should build a wall. Around Donald Trump. – Yeah! – I, uh… Put, uh… Put mirrors on the inside, that way he’s happy, and… I think when Mexico hears about this they’ll be like, “You know what? We’d like to pay for this. We think this is a bueno investment.” – Coal. – The economy. We don’t need to bring back coal, but I’ll bring back the VCR repairman jobs. This country was built on VHS tapes. VHS repair jobs used to be the biggest industry in the nation. It was the heart of our economy, and now it’s gone to shit. VHS is the premier way to watch a movie at home. Sure, those critics out there will tell you that Blu-ray has a sharper image, but VHS is sharper emotionally. And… When I’m president I’m gonna make college free. You gotta pay for high school. You gotta pay for high school. You’re gonna pay for it one way or the other. Might as well be cash. And I’m going to raise the minimum wage to 15 bucks an hour. And I’m going to lower the maximum wage to 14.50. Put those CEOs in their place. Who here recycles? I’m gonna ban recycling. Because I think segregating garbage is racist. Brown v. Board of Education, 1954, separate is not equal. All the trash gets put in this disgusting dirty bag while the recyclables get a cute little shower and then put in this privileged sky blue clear bag. It’s not right. And I’m gonna ban brunch. Because I am against corporate mergers. Breakfast and lunch coming together. It’s too much power. I’m gonna break it up. And I’m gonna ban the Winter Olympics. It’s wrong that whatever country wins the most medals at the Winter Olympics gets to invade Ukraine. I don’t know why that is part of the official Olympic platform, but I’m against it. And I’m gonna add three moons. This is America, we shouldn’t have to share our moon with any other country. If we add three, we’ve got a total of four, now werewolves can go out and party once a week. They’re restricted to once a month. That’s why they get violent. They’ve been in solitary for 30 days straight. Mermaids have been protecting our ocean borders for over 200 years and still do not have the right to vote. It’s wrong. The key to surviving the zombie apocalypse is… dentistry. Before they turn into zombies, the dentists extract their teeth, and then they gnaw on you with their gums and just give you a nice massage. Just relax the whole planet. Zombies plus dentistry equals world peace. – Has anyone here ever seen a UFO? – Yeah. Really? I have never seen a UFO. Because I’ve always been able to correctly identify the alien spacecraft that I have come across. You see, that’s the difference between you and me. Do you think dinosaurs went extinct? I do not. I think dinosaurs are bone creatures who live underground. And archaeologists dig them up, ripping them out of their homes and murdering them. And then they sell their body parts to museums where they are put on display to scare children. It’s a big problem. Other questions about my presidential platform? Gun control. I think if Jesus had been American, and had a gun, he’d still be alive today. They try to nail him to the cross, he’d be like, “Not so fast, you pieces of shit.” Jesus, America, victory. In a perfect world people would be good enough at karate so they wouldn’t need a gun, but I realize not everyone can be a karate hero like myself. Now, it’s not my style, but if you have a gun and you go hunting and eat what you hunted, that should be okay. But if you have a gun and kill a person, right to jail. Unless you eat the person, then I think it should be okay. Let’s get a friendly poll here, nobody’s opinions are wrong, nobody boo, let’s get a friendly poll. Who here, by round of applause, wants less guns? Okay. Who wants more guns? Okay, you’re both wrong. Karate is the answer to gun control. Fists don’t run out of knuckles, feet don’t have to reload, elbows don’t get jammed. I live in New York City. A guy tried to mug me last year and he had a gun, but I had a bucket of diarrhea. I dumped it over his head, he shot himself. That’s karate strategy. New York City has a program to get illegal guns off the street. Guns for cash. Where if you have an illegal gun, you can turn it in, the government won’t ask any questions, they give you $200, that illegal gun is off the street. When I’m president, I’m doing the exact same thing nationwide, except with Ashton Kutcher movies. If you own a movie starring Ashton Kutcher, you can turn it in, no questions asked… and we will give you $500,000… and a gun. Just trying to make America better. How do you feel about parents who don’t vaccinate their kids? I don’t think anti-vaxers are anti-science. I think they are just pro-diseases’ rights. And it’s about time somebody stands up for bacteria. Fracking, where do you stand? For or against it? I’m for it. I think they’re just trying to kill the devil. If they drill deep enough one day they’ll hit the devil right in the skull. I guess you guys are pro-devil. – Are you all religious? Yes? No? – No. It’s okay. How religious are you? If you see a big building, do you call it a skyscraper or heaven tickler, what do you say? I’m just trying to gauge. The Bible says love thy neighbor as thyself. What if you hate yourself? That’s caused some problems over the years. I used to think I was Jewish. I used to think I was Jewish. And then some Jewish people told me I wasn’t Jewish. According to a lot of Jewish people, unless your mom’s Jewish, you’re not Jewish. No fucking exceptions. My name’s very Jewish. My dad’s Jewish, but my mom’s Catholic. A lot of Jewish people, when they meet me think I’m Jewish by their definition, and when they find out my mom’s Catholic they think I tried to trick them into thinking I was Jewish and I’m some kind of evil fake Jew. According to Hitler, if one grandparent was Jewish, he considered you Jewish and had you sent for extermination. So, in a way, Hitler was actually more inclusive of the Jews than many Jews today. Racism, where do you stand? For it or against it? A lot of undecided. Racism, big problem, but we’re still number one at it. Racism is everywhere you look, it’s part of the country’s founding structure, it’s still there and it’s never gonna get better unless people at least start talking about it. It’s everywhere you look. Hollywood’s racist. Anyone know what the first Hollywood blockbuster ever made was? – Birth of a Nation. – Birth of a Nation, 1915, based on a book called The Clansman. And in the movie, the KKK are the good guys. Hollywood should be like, “Yeah, we fucked up on that one, sorry.” Start a dialogue. Then there’s a chance things can get better. A lot of black people in the movie are white people in blackface. Hollywood should be like, “Yeah, we fucked up there. Sorry.” Hollywood will take a white show and make it whiter. Anyone remember the show Everybody Loves Raymond? The lead actor, Italian-American, dark brown hair. His wife on the show, dark brown hair. Their three little kids on the show? All blond. That’s Hollywood taking a white show and making it whiter. If they’re whitewashing a white show, imagine what they’re doing to any other show if that show gets a chance. But that’s what Hollywood’s about. It’s about thin, blond and white. So, how do we solve this problem? We invade Sweden. We invade Sweden, the blondest, whitest country in the world, and everyone will be like, “Why did America bomb Sweden?” And we’re like, “Because Hollywood’s racist.” That’s the American way. When we have a problem, we invade the wrong country and everything is perfect. Hollywood has made some progress, though. Uh… The TV show How to Get Away with Murder changed its name to Become a Cop. I was like, “That’s a pretty bold move coming from a corporate network like that.” What’s your favorite Asian film Hollywood made? Mine’s The Last Samurai, starring Tom Cruise. Good job, Hollywood. Good job there, too. Racism is everywhere you look. I think astronauts are racists. Yeah, I said it, buddy. I think astronauts are racists. – What year did we land on the moon? – ’69. 1969, right at the tail end of the civil rights era. Right when black Americans had been marching and protesting and getting some legislation passed so they could get a bit of human rights. And a bunch of white guys got on a rocket and left the planet. To start an all-white race on the moon. I’m not even gonna guess what the N in NASA stands for. I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna do it. And they didn’t bring any women because they were sexist. They were afraid of being defeated by a woman in a no-gravity zone. So, they made their new home the moon, or as they called it, “White Junior.” I think the New York City Marathon is racist. Ten thousand white people chasing five Africans. The most racist sporting display I have ever seen. I’m like, “Stop chasing them, they’ve done nothing wrong. And you’re not gonna catch them… you fucking slow racists.” And if you didn’t laugh at that, you might be a fucking slow racist. I wanna talk terminology for a second. A question for black people in the audience, just to make everyone uncomfortable, the term black, is it preferred? Or African-American? – Hello? Hello? – Oh, my God. – Anyone wanna answer the question or…? – Black is fine. You like black? Okay. What about this? You hear this on the news. Sometimes the news will refer to a black person as a person of color. You don’t like that? Okay. If the news refers to a black person as a person of color, they should start referring to white people as a person without color. Sad. Just fearing the sun every day, praying for the night. White people are so oppressed, living on a planet that circles the very thing they fear every day. Since the beginning of time. All right, let’s lighten up the mood a little bit. Uh… Reparations. Reparations. Should black Americans receive reparations? One person says yes, the rest of you, fucking racist. Fucking racist, remember their faces. I think black Americans should receive reparations. How do you think it should be given out? No ideas? Nothing? – Economic allowances. – Trump Tower! Economic allowances. Okay. I was thinking white slavery. White slavery. If you’re black American, you can own Donald Trump. Please! Or his creepy kid Eric, he could be a house slave. Donald, way out in the field. Far, far, far from the home. – Whoa, what did you drop? – A candle. A candle? Okay. Sorry, can’t relate. I’ve, uh… I’ve never dropped anything before. I have perfect grip, so just… I’d like to relate to what you’re going through, but I can’t. I hope you can power through. – ISIS. – Are you afraid of ISIS? – You tell me. – Yeah, I think you are. I think that’s the reason you asked the question. Have you ever had a close call with ISIS? You ever get home late at night… honey’s like, “How was your day?” You’re like, “Pretty good, almost got fucked up by ISIS. Fortunately it worked out.” Nothing to worry about. That’s the news trying to scare you. The news is talking about something from another country, and it’s coming here, so you better be scared. They do the same thing with diseases. Like the Zika virus. It’s a disease from another country and it’s coming, so be scared. Nothing to worry about. Look at me. I’ve had Ebola for six weeks. I’m fucking perfect. A few years ago it was the swine flu. When that happened, I gave a pig the human flu. Fight back. Fight back. This country needs to toughen the fuck up. – Any other issues? – Citizens United. I think we should… Citizens should unite against Citizens United. I think… You just earned yourself a cabinet position, well done. I think eventually everyone gets the death penalty. It should really be called the murder penalty. If you were on death row, what would you request for your last meal? Taco Bell. Okay. I’d request the finger of the guy flipping the electric switch. Buy myself a few extra minutes. For a beverage I’d request the blood from the warden’s body. And then my dessert would be freedom. You see? Strategy, strategy. You gotta look at the big picture, not just the short satisfaction. Europeans and Canadians live longer than Americans. Americans die sooner than Europeans and Canadians. – And why is that? – Healthcare. No, it’s because we’re efficient. We get shit done faster. You Europeans and Canadians are slow, you’re lazy, you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, and you’re greedy. You’re taking all this time to get shit done, you never accomplish anything. We get shit done and let it go, we let the next generation take over. We’re progressive that way, we share, you know. Uh, you guys are clock hoggers. You know, just… Sexual education? I don’t think it should be part of school. I, uh… It should be something you learn on your own. It might not work out well, but you’ll remember it better. Comprehension, very important, everybody. Very important. It’s not what you learn, it’s how well you learn it. How do you approach income inequality? How much you need? How much you need? National drinking age. How old are you? – How old are you? – Old enough. – How old are you? – Twenty-eight. I’m raising it to 29. What about North Korea? Okay, this guy’s a spy. This guy’s a spy. Nobody talk to this guy after the show. Don’t give him a hug, he’ll plant something on you. He’ll plant a tracker or something. Second row, what’s your name? What do you do? – Yeah. – I work in social media. Social media. What is that? I help… I help brands be good at social media. You help brands be good at social media. So, what’s an example of a brand being good at social media? I don’t understand. – It’s complicated. – It’s complicated? So, what are some of these brands? Bud Light is one. – Bud Light? – Yeah. Does anyone follow Bud Light on Twitter? Because, you know, there’s lots of stuff happening in the world these days… and when I see some breaking news, I wanna be like, “What does Bud Light think about this?” What would your presidential slogan be? Worst question of the night, sir. No slogan. It’s a movement, buddy. It’s beyond that. I expected better from you, dude. – Your running mate. – What? – Your running mate? – I won’t have a running mate. First, I’m not running for president. I’m standing for president. Running means you’re scared. And I will not have a VP because I view having an assistant as a sign of weakness. Heroes stand alone and get shit done. If I had a vice president, the first thing I’d do in office, I’d karate kick him in the face. Let him know who runs this fucking country. – Any other issues? – Term limits. I think we should have term limits for citizens. Everyone gets four years, and if you do a good job and your neighbors don’t think you’re an asshole you can stay for another four. Maybe people would be a little nicer to each other that way. We have a lot of weird holidays in America. Christopher Columbus Day, that’s a weird one. It’s about the guy, Christopher Columbus, who discovered America. Germany, do you have a holiday about the person who discovered Germany? No? Then I guess it’s not a country worth celebrating. It’s a weird holiday, Christopher Columbus Day. He’s the guy, Christopher Columbus, who discovered America. Even though there was millions of people living here for thousands of years. He called them Indians. He thought he landed in India, but he landed in America. But he just kept calling them Indians. They pretty much slaughtered all Indians, and we have a holiday celebrating that guy. That’s kind of weird. How should we celebrate Christopher Columbus Day? Here’s a thought. You know when you’re in a big building on a high floor and go down to the lobby, but the elevator’s crowded and someone else has pressed floor three, but you weren’t paying attention, so when the elevator stops on floor three you get off because you think it’s the lobby, and instead of realizing that and turning back around into the crowded elevator and admitting you’re a moron, you’re like, “Hey, sorry, I’m a fucking idiot. I wasn’t paying attention. I thought it was the lobby.” No, you don’t admit it, you just stay on floor three and you pretend it’s the lobby. And then you murder everyone on floor three. That’s how we should celebrate Christopher Columbus Day. Just a thought, just a thought. Thanksgiving, that’s an American holiday. Canada, you celebrate Thanksgiving. On the wrong day, but you celebrate it. And, Canada, what are you thankful for? That you border America. That’s it, that’s all you got. Germany, you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s because you got nothing to be thankful for. Always try to remember that. We celebrate it because we’re such a narcissistic country we need a holiday to force us to say thank you once a year. Because normally we do not say thank you. We say “you’re welcome” a lot. Often after a country did not say “thank you.” They usually said, “Ouch. Cut it out, stop.” And we’re like, “You’re welcome.” Why do we have turkey on Thanksgiving? Does anyone know? Why do we have turkey on Thanksgiving? Are you completely uneducated? Nobody knows? It’s okay if you don’t. The government doesn’t want you to know the truth. The real reason we have turkey on Thanksgiving is because just 80 years ago this entire country was enslaved by turkeys. And it was not till we invented the baster we were able to rise up and conquer the evil turkey. That’s why today on Thanksgiving not only do we kill and eat a turkey, we stuff shit up its ass to humiliate the turkey and send the message that it never happens again. I teach American history part-time online at Axe Body Spray University. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. What’s Christmas about? – Presents. – Presents? No. Jesus. Wrong again. – America. – Nope, it’s about killing trees. Because just 90 years ago, this entire country was ruled by trees. And it was not until we invented the ax that we conquered the tree. That’s why on Christmas, not only do we kill a tree, we put it up in our living room by the window so other trees can see it, and let them know we’re not fucking around. Sometimes we put up a fake tree to let them know they can be replaced at any time. And then we give each other presents to show our human superiority, and presents are wrapped in paper, which is made out of trees. Know your fucking history, people. Can you believe that we’re the only country that celebrates the Fourth of July? America’s birthday, most important holiday on the planet, and we’re the only ones celebrating it. It’s fucked up. A lot of countries hate America. Why do some countries hate America? Let’s hear it, foreigners. We’re all friends. Why do some countries hate America? They’re trying to police the world. We try to police the world. Because we bomb countries that never attack us. That’s what the government refers to as a nonissue. Way off, buddy. The real reason other countries hate America is because America has the greatest cheese in the world. American cheese is the greatest cheese on Earth. That’s why each slice comes in its own protective wrapping. To preserve and protect the subtle nuances and amazing super glory of justice that is American cheese. Other countries don’t have the technology to replicate it, so they’re jealous and they hate us. In France, you get a wedge of Brie, it’s unwrapped, broken cracker bits, bloody fingernails. It’s fucking disgusting. I teach international politics part-time online at Kambridge, with a K. You guys should definitely take one of my courses. Do you like the zoo? – No. – Yeah. – Why not? – Because they’re slaves. It’s true, they’re segregated. In theory the zoo is nice, but you go, it’s segregated. You have gazelles fenced in here… lemurs caged in over here. That’s why one day I’ll open up my own zoo. One room, every animal out for themselves. With a naked guy in the middle trying to get out alive. That’s a zoo. I’ll have some gorillas playing tug-of-war with an anaconda, 100 chickens attacking a giraffe. That’s a zoo. That’s right, I’m having chickens in my zoo. They’re the underclass of the animal world. I’m also gonna have pigeons, or as you might call them, homeless birds. What animal don’t you see at the zoo? The cow. But what do you see at the zoo? A snack bar, where you get a cheeseburger. So, cows are at the zoo, just in a different presentation. We have a lot of problems in this country, but we gotta appreciate the progress that we have made in certain areas. Twins, for example, today have full rights. Forty years ago, twins had no rights in this country. Forty years ago, you could kill a twin, it wouldn’t matter. On trial for murder, judge would be like, “You killed a man.” You go, “Yeah, Your Honor, but there’s a fucking other one right there.” And he’d be like, “Oh, my bad.” Then they’d just let you off. But today, twins are safe. It’s still legal to kill a triplet in this country, but twins are safe. – What are you doing later tonight, buddy? – Tonight? Catch up with some mates, smoke some weed. Pretty nice. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I got a copy of Planet of the Apes, and tonight I’m gonna break into the zoo and screen it for the apes. Start a revolution. Humans made a film about the apes but never showed it to the apes. That’s not right. Tonight, that’s gonna change. Do you wanna go? Sorry, apes only. This is their time. I’m actually going on vacation tomorrow. I’m excited, going away for three weeks. – It’s gonna be great. – Where you going? Coney Island. Coney Island. For three weeks, gonna away from it all. Just relax, get some culture. Who knows? Maybe hook up with some island girls. See how it goes. You gotta see the world, people. Well, I expect all of your votes tomorrow. Yep. You guys have done a great job tonight. Sir, you started out as the worst audience member… and you worked your way up to the bottom 20 percent. I always knew you had that kind of potential. Sir, I did not talk to you… because I don’t like you. I think you have a serious attitude problem. As a matter of fact, nobody make eye contact with him after the show. Well… I recommend that you guys, uh, stick around after the show and watch the credits. I heard they’re really cool. Other questions before I go? Any other questions? Any other issues? – Trade. – Trade? I’m gonna trade you for another audience member. Any other issues before I go? – Marijuana. – Immigration. Marijuana, immigration, good combination question. Only immigrants get to smoke pot. Yeah! Any other issues? The environment. You for it or against it? I don’t understand the question. As president I will keep the environment. I will not deport the environment or put a roof up over the country or a sky wall as some people are asking for. I think climate change won the Cold War. When I’m president I’m gonna move the border every day. Keep this country on its toes. I might have it go through Cincinnati one morning. They’ll be like, “What is going on?” I’ll be like, “Should’ve checked the border app on your phone.” Any other questions? Other questions? – Prison system. – What about the prison system? We have one of the most diverse prison systems in the world. Outsourcing in automation. Are you a robot or a human? Describe your perfect day. Anything where that doesn’t happen.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

CRISTELA ALONZO: LOWER CLASSY (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/cristela-alonzo-lower-classy-2017-full-transcript/

What’s up, San Antonio? Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, I’m so excited to be here! Thank you, guys, for coming out. I love San Antonio. I got here last night. And I asked this chick, “What do you guys do here for fun?” – And she’s like… – “I’ll tell you what to do.” “You’re gonna drink, you’re gonna get plastered, you’re gonna end the night with Five Guys.” I had no idea Five Guys was a burger place. I’m like, “Wow, you must be popular!” “I’ll start with one.” My idea of a threesome is me with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I don’t know what we’re doing. It’s so good to be here. I’ve been traveling non-stop for over a year. And I’ve seen all of the country, and wow! I was recently in North Carolina and I went into this bar, and I asked the bartender for an Old Fashioned. So he took away my voting rights. I was like, “Whoa, that’s…” “Whoa! Whoa!” I’m kidding. I’m Latina. I don’t vote. We don’t vote! We don’t vote! Not unless it’s American Idol or The Voice, right? We don’t do it! We don’t do it. I’m kidding. I love to vote. I do it, like, five, six times in an election. I love it that much. Am I the only one that just got tired of the election? The election we’ve had… 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I’m done. And you know what pissed me off? When I started hearing people say, “We need to go back to the good old days. We need to go back to the good old days.” You ever notice it’s only white people saying that shit? Brown people, when was our good old days, right? Hmm. If it was really the good old days, why don’t you ever see black people doing Civil War re-enactments, right? You never see that! Never see that conversation. “Hey, Lamar, what are you doing this weekend?” “I’m gonna go to my neighbor’s house, I’m gonna cook and clean for free.” “You know, like the good old days.” I’m Latina. When was our good old days? When JLo became Selena? That’s what we get? That’s what we get? Okay! That’s what we get. Selena. For those of you that don’t know Selena… Selena is the closest thing Latinos have to a superhero. She is a Mexican-American singer. She died over 20 years ago and we still talk about what she could’ve done. “Oh, if Selena was still here… Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho!” “Ooh! Trump would build a wall, she would knock it down with her voice!” ♪ Um-biddy-biddy-bum-bum ♪ Down! Down! Down! Down! Down! Oof. We shouldn’t laugh, guys. Trump’s gonna build a wall. He is! Shut up! He is! He’s gonna build a wall. All the way to California. You know what’s after California? The ocean. Fuck it. We’ll swim. I don’t care. Build a wall! Does he know if he builds a wall, all he’s doing is making us amazing athletes? We gotta run, we gotta climb, we gotta swim. He’s making, like, an immigrant triathlon. First place is freedom! He’s gonna build a wall. Doesn’t he know we use tunnels now? Build that wall as high as you want, stupid. We’re underground! We should help them. We should do a BYOB party – bring your own brick, and we just build it, like… Stupid! Did you guys see that dude? Did you guys see the tunnel Chapo had when he got arrested? That shit looked like a Disneyland ride! There was lights, a guy selling tickets, a two-hour wait. There was a Starbucks. “I’ll have the Chapo-ccino, I guess.” Isn’t it weird to think we have a candidate… that has to tan that’s trying to deport everybody that doesn’t have to tan? That’s fucked up! When you think about it, tanning is such a double standard because white people can go and be dark for a week. I can’t go anywhere and lighten. That’s bullshit. I like hearing white girls talk to their friends. “- Hey, girl, you wanna go tan? – Let’s go be ethnic for a week.” “Don’t worry, we’re still white.” “Hi, I’m Becky. I have cornrows. Fuck it.” I love it! It’s a double standard. White people have tanning booths. There’s no bleaching booth for me to go to! I would love that! Go in, like, “Hey, I need to be two shades whiter this week. I’ve got a job interview.” Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh! Ooh! Ooh. I’m sorry. I dropped something. The truth, right? So weird… What a weird time we live in politically, you know? I live in LA. In California, weed is legal. – Yeah! – Isn’t it weird? No, don’t. Think about it. How fucked up is that? We started legalizing weed before immigrants. How fucked up is that? We started legalizing weed before immigrants. When I was a kid, I was told weed was a drug. “Don’t do it. It’ll ruin your life.” “Don’t do it. It’ll ruin your life.” Now they’re like, “Ah, we were messing with you. Go ahead. Get high. Go!” “Ah! Go!” “Lupita, watch the kids. I’m gonna go smoke. Bye!” Lupita’s like, “Can I get a green card?” “Hell, no! You can get a pot card, though, right? Huh?” “Can I get papers?” “Rolling papers? Hell, yeah, you can, Lupita! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!” San Antonio, I’m home. I’m from Texas. I’m from South Texas. Ooh! Oh! I love it! I come from a small town. We had a really big, bad gang problem. The problem was, we only had one gang. How do you only have one gang? Who are you fighting with? No-one. The gang started tagging walls in our town, “TCB number one, bitches!” No-one would argue with them. So the next day it would be like, “Uh-huh, that’s right.” After a month, they just had a wall of positive affirmations on the wall. People would say, “Is that your church?” “No, that’s our gang.” “They’re confident. We’re proud of them. They’re gonna be big.” If you guys don’t know what it’s like to grow up with a gang, let me put it in perspective for you. It’s kind of like when there’s a Walmart and a Target near each other. And you gotta pick which one you’re with. It’s all about territories and colors, you know. Walmart’s blue. Target’s red. If you’re Walmart, I don’t wanna see a red pullover in my neighborhood, bitch, or I will slash you, like I slash prices up in this bitch! I don’t even care! Walmart for life. I’m kidding. I’m Target. I’m gonna tattoo a bullseye. I grew up poor. It’s weird, when you’re a kid, you don’t know that you’re poor, because you always think that everyone lives like you. When I was in fourth grade, I realized I was poor because I was a really big fan of New Kids On The Block. I loved them, right? I couldn’t afford to see them in concert, right? So I had this fantasy when I was a kid, you know, that I was gonna meet them and they were gonna fall in love with me, right? No joke, you guys. This was the fantasy. Fourth grade. I was gonna be the maid on their tour bus. And I was gonna clean things so good… that they were gonna fall in love with me! In my head, I thought they were gonna get on the tour bus and be like, “Oh, my God. Who made that bed right there?” You know what I mean? “Oh, my God.” “This tour bus is so clean. Who made that bed right there? Who made that bed right there? Who made that bed right there?” You know? Like, yes. Yes. And then I would say, “I made that bed.” And they would be like, “We love you now.” And I’m like… That was it. I was in fourth grade. Then 20 years later, I thought about that story, I looked back and I was thinking, “Why the fuck was I a maid in my own fantasy?” Like, even in my fantasy, I can’t give Latinos better jobs? And then I started thinking about it, and you know why? It’s because a lot of the women I knew, that’s what they did for a living. They cooked at restaurants. They cleaned houses. They came here and had those jobs to get a better life so that their kids didn’t have to do those jobs. And when I understood that, I realized that as a woman, I wanted to break that glass ceiling, you know? Yeah. But as a Mexican, I wanna clean that shit, too. You know what I mean? Where’s the Fabuloso? The purple one! Bitch, like there’s any other kind! I finally got to see the New Kids when I was 33. They reunited, right? My boyfriend at the time went to the concert with me because he wanted to see me lose it. He’s like, “Hey, are you gonna be okay?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m 33. I got this, bro.” “I love you! I love you!” Oh, my… And then within minutes, I started realizing, “Oh, my God… This is a stadium full of 30 to 40-year-old women watching these grown-ass men… talking about dating chicks in high school.” I was like, “Oh, my God. They didn’t update the songs at all!” Because now I’m an adult, right? I remember, when I was a kid, I used to love the song “You Got The Right Stuff” . And I’d love it because the lyric was like, “First kiss was a sweet kiss, second kiss had a twist.” And I’m like, “Oh, my God. They’re Frenching.” Right? But I’m 33 at that point, so I’m like, “Third and the fourth kiss, we’re doing it.” “Those tickets were expensive, my friend got a babysitter, you gotta give me more.” “You gotta hang tough and give me more.” They really should update those songs, though. I mean… “You Got The Right Stuff”. I’m in my 30s. The song should speak to me, you know? ♪ You got good credit ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ Your FICO score turns me on ♪ Yeah! You know, it’s weird, in your 30s, you’re not old, but you realize in your 30s, every year you start realizing there’s one thing every year you can’t really do any more, you know? I live in Los Angeles. I’m at that age where the only way I can get into a nightclub is by telling the door guy that I’m looking for my underage daughter. But then I have to pretend to look for the bitch the entire night. “Where’s Stephanie? I don’t know where Stephanie’s at. Is she down here?” “She’s not down here.” Oh. I am Catholic. I’m what I call a barely Catholic. Like, I’m barely… My parents, my family… I’m Catholic because my family is, but I don’t know a lot. I know the basics. When people find out I’m Catholic, they love asking me questions. I’m like, “Oh, God. Let it be an easy one.” “Who’s the guy on the cross?” “Jesus! Yes! Yes!” “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Sometimes they get harder. “Why do you use holy water at church?” “Oh, God. It’s because we hate vampires.” You ever notice Latinos are the only ones that name their kids “Jesus”? “This is my son Jesus Rodriguez. He works at Papa John’s.” “Oh!” “Jesus has come a long way!” You never meet a white guy named Jesus. “Hi, I’m Jesus Rosenberg. I work at Goldman Sachs.” It’s insane. You guys ever notice that you always find out what you think of your friends when you can’t remember their names? Because then you have to describe them to people. And you never say nice shit about that person. It’s always, “What’s that guy’s name? The fat one. Loser. Lives with his mom. Hector! Hector! Yes!” “Yes! Hector! Hector! Yes!” “Tell him hi.” “I don’t think you like Hector, dude.” It’s insane. I’m a first generation American, you know? It’s hard to be first generation because you have to learn how to be American and teach your parents how to be American, too. Like, for me in Texas, I’m a big sports fan. I love sports. I’m from Texas. I love football. Now… Here’s the thing. People don’t understand, when you’re a sports fan, when you have a team, that’s your team. Those are your boys. Whether they suck or they’re good, those are your boys, you know? People are passionate about sports. I’m from Texas. I like football. I love the Cowboys, right? Not everyone clapped. See, five minutes ago, you all loved me, but now… I get it! You know how hard it is to be a fan of a team that sucks? It’s like you’re dating that guy that can’t get his shit together. Every season, they make promises they can’t keep. “No, baby, come back. This year, I promise you a ring.” “Oh, great!” It never works! My friends tell me all the time, they say the same thing, “Switch teams, you gotta switch teams.” That’s my team! I can’t do that. That’s my team. It’s like having a kid that’s flunking math. You’re like, “I’ll cheer for the neighbor’s kid. He’s smart.” You can’t do that! You can’t. You show up wearing a jersey, “Neighbor’s kid, 82.” What pisses me off about watching sports is the press conferences after the game. Do we have to interview them when they lose? Everybody wants to find out, “Why did you lose? Why did you lose?” “Well, shit, the other team scored more. That’s how it works.” What a terrible time to get interviewed about stuff! Can you imagine if that happened to you? For shitty parts of your life, you have to give a press conference? You get fired from a job, “Why did you get fired? Why did you get fired?” “Well, shit, I steal office supplies, so I…” “We’ll get them next time.” I’m first generation. It’s hard, man. Because, again, you have to teach your parents how to be American. It’s tough because you’re learning it, too, you know? You guys, my mom… had never seen Girl Scouts before in her life. Never. The first time she saw Girl Scouts… she thought they were Border Patrol agents… ..in training. She thought Border Patrol had a kid unit. And every time she saw the cookies, she would hide from them. I’d say, “Mom, they’re not trying to deport you. They’re selling cookies.” “Ah, that’s what you think! Oh-ho-ho!” “That’s how they get you! God, you’re stupid!” “That’s how they get you. You get hungry, you buy Thin Mints. And then I’m back in Mexico. No cookies in this house! No cookies!” What people don’t understand, though, is that when you grow up with immigrant parents, you have to rely on them to do their version of American holidays. So they gotta go with what they know, you know? Like, my mom was from Mexico. People don’t understand, Mexico is south of us. But life is totally different there. They don’t get that. My mom, she didn’t grow up with Santa Claus. There was no Santa Claus in her village. There was the three wise men. Now, we celebrate December 25th, like everybody else. But we celebrate January 6th, too. That’s our big day. And I have a theory that we do January 6th because all that shit’s on clearance by that time. That’s what we do. So one year, my single mom tried to do her version of Santa Claus, right? I wake up, there’s a gift-wrapped box with a card that says, “Santa Claus.” I look at my mom. She’s like, “I am Santa Claus.” “What?” “I am Santa Claus. Merry Christmas.” “No, no, no, I did not bust my butt so this white guy takes credit for my shit. I am Santa Claus. Me. Ho, ho, ho!” “Ho, ho, ho!” “And I say it in Spanish with a J. Ho, ho, ho! I am Santa Claus.” She was a cute woman. My mom, not kidding, she would buy photo frames, picture frames, and she would keep the pictures that came with the frames. And she would hang them up on the wall. And she would call them her white family. And every time we would get in trouble, she would use them as an example. “Cristela, you’re flunking math. Why can’t you be like your cousin Peggy?” “She’s graduating college. Why can’t you?” People don’t understand, when you grow up between two cultures of any kind, it’s hard because you start realizing that certain things you do that are considered, you know, like, American are ridiculous to the other side of your family. I had to ask my mom for permission to go on spring break to go swim with the dolphins, right? “Mom, can I go swim with the dolphins?” “What’s that?” “How much is that?” “$200.” “Do you get to eat the fucking thing after?” “Oh-ho-ho!” “No, go, and then when your brothers are hungry, we’ll show them a picture of you riding the dolphin.” “Oh, my God. She’s exercising with her food. Okay!” “I’m gonna go bike-riding with tamales. I’ll be right back.” I tried asking her for an allowance once. She said, “No, you get one. I allow you to live here for free, stupid.” “I allowance the lights, I allowance the food, all the allow!” My mom was like a die-hard Catholic woman. Like, she was super Catholic. She loved God but she hated people. In my neighborhood, we were always visited every weekend by the Jehovah’s Witnesses, right? Every weekend. My mom couldn’t stand it because she’s like, “I’m team Catholic. Why are they trying to convert me?” And every day, they would come in. One day, they knocked. “Da-da-da.” “Excuse me, ma’am. Have you found God?” She’s like, “No, but if you find him, tell him we’re fucking starving in here. Bye.” We ended up getting a dog and that dog used to bark at everyone. Everyone, right? My mom loved it because the Jehovah’s Witnesses stopped coming. And one day, the dog died, and they caught on, and they came back and started knocking, and my mom wasn’t ready for it. She’s like, “No! Woof!” “Perro woof!” Perro woof? How the hell does the dog have an accent? Perro woof? That’s so crazy. Isn’t it crazy to think how fast the year goes by? Every year, you get older, I feel like I can’t believe we’re already at this point. Like, you know? Every year goes by quicker and quicker. It’s insane, you know? And I feel bad because at this point, I told myself that I was gonna get my shit together this year. This was gonna be the year, you guys! I’ve been trying to get in shape. Ooh! You guys, I went to the gym today. Oh-ho-ho! Man, I’m going inside tomorrow, but… I had to find it first, dude! It’s right next to my McDonald’s. I had no idea. It’s hard. You ever realize how hard it is to get in shape? Because everything costs money. It’s expensive to get in shape. Everything costs money. Workout clothes are expensive. You guys, I went to a store called Lululemon. Now I know why they lose weight. They can’t afford to buy food after they buy that shit! It’s insane! If you don’t know what Lululemon is, it’s a store that sells workout clothes for people who don’t need to work out. They’re thin. I went into the store, right? Guess what I found out. I’m too fat to fit into their workout clothes. I’m too fat to work out? I have to lose 20 pounds before I can start working out. I didn’t wanna leave empty-handed, so I looked for anything that fit. I’m like, “Where the hell are your headbands? You don’t have headbands? Wristbands?” “You don’t sell key chains? They don’t sell key chains here!” Finally, I found a sports bra that kind of fit, right? Kind of fit. Like, if I light a candle and pray… I can put it on. You know when you try clothes on that fit, but you don’t know how you’re gonna get them off? “I need scissors.” Like that, right? I looked at the price. 80 bucks. 80 bucks! I was like, “80 bucks? For 10 bucks, I can go to Home Depot and hire a day laborer to hold them up when I go jog.” “Ándale, Pepe.” It’s expensive! I keep trying to work out, but I don’t think I wanna work out. I always say the same thing. “I am gonna start on Monday.” And then Monday comes, I eat a doughnut, and I’m like, “Damn it!” “Now I gotta wait till next Monday!” I can’t start on Tuesday! It’s insane. I recently bought the Zumba DVDs. Now, there’s a Zumba DVD set that comes with maracas. It’s like the little weights, right? So you can keep the beat along with them. The other day, you guys, I popped it in. Oh, I wish you had been there, man. Oh! I was killing it, you guys. I was, like, sweating. I was like, “Oh, my God. That must have been 20 minutes.” Four minutes. Four minutes. Four. Four. Four. Four. Cuatro. I got tired, right? I go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. There’s a bag of popcorn right next to it. I’m like, “Oh, my God. That looks so good.” So I pop the bag of popcorn and go back into the living room with my popcorn and my water, and the DVD’s playing. I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m working out!” So what do I do? I sit down and I watch the DVD like it’s a movie! Like… “I love Zumba.” And you can’t just work out, either. You gotta eat healthy food. You know? Healthy food is expensive. And that’s bullshit because poor people can’t afford it. I hate that. I can’t stand that. People don’t realize, when you grow up poor, you don’t learn how to eat right, because it’s not about eating right, it’s about eating. People don’t get that. When I was a kid, I was raised on McDonald’s because that shit was cheap. I mean… single mom, McDonald’s. Dude, the McRib came back more times than my dad, you know what I mean? I say that in every city in case he’s out there. Back when I was growing up, you could feed a family of four for, like, 20 bucks. Family of four, 20 bucks. But if you wanna make a salad at home, boom, $1,000. I went to Whole Foods. My God, that store should have layaway. What the fuck are we doing at Whole Foods? I walked in. They’re like, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “No, I’m just here to visit my tomatoes, thank you.” “I think I’m gonna get them out next week. I’m really excited.” “I’m buying eggplant. They’re checking my credit.” I started walking around the store. They were having a sale. Ooh! Ooh! A sale at Whole Foods. Six bucks for a pint of strawberries. Because they’re organic. Six bucks. I was like, “Ho-ho-ho-ho! That’s a lot of money. I’m sorry. For that much, you’d better show me a photo of white people picking the fruit. What the fuck is that?” Forget Jose and Maria, man. I want Becky and Brian out in the field picking that. Healthy food is so expensive. And how do they justify it? How do they justify it? Now they tell you the life story of every animal you’re about to eat at the store. You walk down the aisle, it’s like Ancestry.com for cows. Every animal has its story. “Oh, this milk is hormone-free. This beef is grass-fed. This chicken is cage-free.” “Fuck, these animals had a better childhood than I did!” “I grew up in the hood, I had bars on my window, but this chicken was cage-free. Okay!” Oh! There I am in the bedroom. “How is it outside, chicken?” “I wish I could be a cage-free kid, but…” “gangs.” This chicken is expensive because I’m paying for the hobbies it had when it was alive? This chicken’s $20 a pound because it played the cello and it liked to surf. That’s an awesome chicken! Why are we eating it? If I had to eat something that had an awesome life and didn’t do shit, screw the chicken, I’d eat a Kardashian. Oh, my God! Have you seen their butts? They could feed villages for months. That’s what people don’t realize and it bugs me, that when you grow up poor, life is different. People don’t get it. When you grow up without money, life is different. You have to learn how to live without certain luxuries in life, you know? Luxuries. Like air-conditioning. Or food allergies. I didn’t even know those were a thing until, like, five years ago, man. It’s insane. Isn’t it weird that the more money you make, the less food you’re allowed to eat? When you’re poor, you eat whatever you can because you never know when that next meal is coming. We don’t have the luxury to be allergic to shit! That’s a conversation you’ll never hear in the hood, you know? “Yo, man, they killed Mario.” “What, drive-by?” “No, peanuts.” Drive-by honey-roasted. And don’t misunderstand me. I grew up poor, but I grew up happy. You know? Like, you don’t need money to be happy. It fucking helps, but… you don’t need it. It’s like I said before, when you’re a kid, you don’t know you’re poor. Because everybody you live around is pretty much on the same level. You don’t get it. I grew up in the 80s. In my neighborhood, everyone was poor. Back then, the only way you could tell someone had cash, you’d walk into their living room and they would have a set of encyclopedias. “I knew Juan was doing good.” “I didn’t know he was doing encyclopedia good!” “Nita, he’s got the Q!” I feel like half of you don’t know what the fuck an encyclopedia is. Right? It’s the internet but in books. It’s where the word “Wikipedia” came from. Isn’t it weird to think that people don’t know what encyclopedias are? They don’t know the pain of having to do homework with that shit. Getting a book report… Having to go to the library, hoping the volume hasn’t been stolen yet. You show up, it’s gone. You’re like, “Oh, I’m gonna make up some shit about Japan! I don’t know!” Isn’t it weird that that’s where we are with technology? We used to have books everywhere. Books, books, books. Most of us didn’t read them but they were there. Now everything we’ve got is in our little phone, right there. Everything. Technology can be so amazing and it can be so terrible at times, you know? You know what pisses me off? It’s great for kids. It sucks for me. It pisses me off that kids will never know the pain of having to save up money to buy a whole record album or CD for one song. Do you remember when you had to do chores? You’d hear a song on a thing called the radio… or MTV, and you’re like, “I want that!” You’d have to save up, like, 20 bucks, hoping the whole thing was a hit. Because if you bought a CD that was a one-hit wonder, you’re like, “Fuck!” You never get over it! I spent 20 bucks on Whoomp There It Is. 20 bucks! I thought Tag Team was back again. They fucking never showed up! “Rico Suave.” I thought I was fucking guessing good on that one. But technology isn’t all great. I mean, some parts of technology suck. I’m gonna assume that everyone in this room, we have all been screwed over by autocorrect. At one point or another, right? We’re not stupid. Why does our phone wanna fuck up our friendships, dude? And it sucks when you text in another language. I text with my sister in Spanish, right? Okay, so the other day, I was texting my sister. I’m trying to call her a pendeja. For those of you that don’t know, pendeja is a term of endearment. Right? You know? Like, it means bitch, but it depends on how you say it, you know? You could be like, “Bitch!” or you could be like, “Bitch!” You know what I mean? I’m more like, “Hey, bitch!” You know? And I text her, I’m like, “Hey, pendeja.” She writes back, “Why did you call me a pencil?” “Fuck me!” “You’re, like, all stupid. You’re a number dos pencil. You don’t even…” Even worse… a couple of months ago, a friend of mine sent me a video of a puppy. I love puppy videos. Love them, right? I wrote back, “Tee hee hee, I love puppies.” Autocorrect changed “Tee hee hee” to “Hey Jew Jew.” She’s Jewish. And not only that, autocorrect capitalized every letter. Like I’m fucking yelling it at her. “Hey! Jew! Jew! I love za puppies!” It went from being cute to a hate crime in one second. I started thinking, “Oh, my God. What if that happens when I need help?” I send out a text like, “Help, I’m stuck in a ditch!” and she’s like, “Help, you stuck up bitch!” I have to take care of her. She’s one of my only girlfriends, you know? I don’t have a lot of girlfriends. I’m a tomboy. I grew up with guys. I grew up with brothers, you know? I’m not very girly. And I come from an old-school Mexican family. They expect you to always wear makeup and be dressed up, you know? My mom would be like, “Why aren’t you wearing makeup?” “Because I’m going to bed, dude! It’s, like, late!” “And how are you gonna find a man in your dreams?” As a tomboy, what I wear… Now, what I’m wearing, this is like my typical outfit. T-shirt, jeans, sneakers, I love it, right? Very comfortable. Dress like that every day of my life. And I’ve noticed I’m usually cool with it, but I’ve noticed that every now and then, people judge me on how I dress. And it sucks because they always guess wrong, normally. You know? And it’s annoying. And I’ll tell you, the places that it happens a lot at are the expensive stores… where people think that I can’t afford to shop there. You know what I mean? Look… I don’t wanna brag… but I’ve got money. Okay? Okay? I’ve got the kind of money, like, when I’m sick, I go to the doctor. In the United States. That’s rich. When I get sick, I’m like, “Grandma, keep your Vicks. We’re going to the doctor.” That’s how much money I’ve got. Rappers make it rain champagne, I make it rain penicillin. I’m like, “Right there. Everybody…” So I was at Bloomingdale’s, in the clearance section. I can afford clearance, not the regular-priced stuff, okay? I’m at Bloomingdale’s and I see a bag that I like and it doesn’t have a price. And I stand by it and people start walking and no-one stops, right? They just walk, walk, walk. Finally, a woman walks by. I’m like, “Da-da-da-da! Hey… how much is this bag?” She’s like, “Oh.” “It’s $800. Hmm.” “Okay.” “I’m gonna buy that bag.” She’s like, “Oh, are you? Hmm.” “I’m just gonna take the bag and hold it up front until you’re ready to check out.” Bitch! So we’re at the cash register, right? And she’s typing, typing, whatever. It’s taking forever, like she doesn’t think I’m gonna buy the bag, like halfway through I’m gonna be like, “JK, I’m poor! Bye!” Typing, typing. Here’s a thing you gotta know about me. My mom taught me to never complain. We don’t complain. If I get the wrong food at a restaurant, I eat the wrong food. I don’t complain, right? But this woman’s being so terrible, like, obviously terrible, right? “Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.” I’m like, “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve gotta stop you. You are being awful. You’re being rude and I’m gonna teach you a lesson. Now, I don’t even want this bag.” “I’m buying this bag because I’ve got the money to buy this bag. And not only that. This bag is for me, and I want you to gift-wrap it.” “That bag is for me, but I wanna surprise myself: ‘What did I get me?’ I want you to surprise… Gift-wrap it. Gift-wrap it.” And I stood there. I’m like, “More ribbon.” I pay, she gives me the card, blah, blah, blah. I’m like, “I’m doing this to teach you a lesson. I don’t know what it is about me, but for some reason, you think that I can’t afford to shop here. I don’t know what you expect me to wear to this store, like, what, a fucking wedding gown?” “Need I remind you that I’m shopping at Bloomingdale’s, and you’re fucking working at Bloomingdale’s, okay?” “Now give me my fucking bag. Thank you.” I left. I was walking off. You guys, that is the closest… That was like the movie Selena. Like, “We don’t want that dress.” You know what I mean? Like Pretty Woman: “Big mistake.” Like, that’s where I was. I left. I was like… I was waiting to get outside and just lose it, you know, like… I walked out of that store with pride. I walked out of that store with dignity. And I got into my car and I was like, “Yes!” And I drove to the closest Bloomingdale’s to return that fucking bag. Because I couldn’t afford it, but I taught that bitch a lesson, and that’s all that matters! That’s a lot of money! I don’t have that kind of money! Oh, my… But I’ve got 12 bucks for the gift-wrap, oh, yeah! Oh! 800 bucks! You know when you ask… When you ask for the price of something and it’s too expensive, but you gotta pretend it doesn’t mess with you? “Oh, 800 bucks!” “Only?” “I’ll take five of them.” But on the inside, you’re like… “That’s two tomatoes at Whole Foods!” Man, I buckled it in like it was a baby. “Nobody touch it! I’m returning it!” I am a tomboy. There are things I like that are kind of girly, like my music. I love love songs. And one of my favorite love songs has been ruined by a commercial. It’s the abused puppy commercial from Sarah McLachlan. Do those commercials have to be 30 hours long? And they’re always in the middle of the funniest thing you’re watching. You guys, those commercials have ruined that Sarah McLachlan song for me. A couple of months ago, I was taking a shower, I had my iPod on shuffle, loving life. Killing it. Listening to, like, Ace Of Base, “TheSign” like, nailing it, right? ♪ I saw the sign ♪ Hell, yeah! End of song, boom, shuffle. ♪ In the arms ♪ ♪ Of the angel ♪ Why? It became the most depressing shower I’ve ever had! I was washing myself with my own tears! ♪ Fly away ♪ ♪ From here ♪ Why? The fucking puppy! San Antonio, I just wanna say thank you so much for coming tonight. It means a lot. It’s a very special night for me. I’m glad you guys came out. Most of you might remember, I had a show on TV called Cristela. Thank you. I… – I loved that show and… – Bring it back! I wish I could. I can’t bring it back. But thank you. That’s my dad. “Mija, what did you say about the McRib?” I loved that show. That show… That show was really about a part of my life where I’d moved in with my sister, I helped take care of her kids and my mom, and it was very important for me to do that show. You might notice, in my stand-up, I talk a lot about my mom. And for me… if you saw the show, she was this very crotchety old woman. She hated everyone, you know? But, like, if she made fun of you, that meant she loved you. You know what I mean? And for me, my mom was always the star of my show. I talk a lot about my mom because I feel like when we talk about immigrants… we never really give them a heart or a soul. And I wanted people to know the story of my mom and know that she was a real person and she was like that, and that she went through a lot so that I could be here tonight. That’s why I do it. And, you know, for some people, my experience isn’t their Latino experience. And I get that, you know? I just wanted to show mine. I wanted to show my life, you know? The show wasn’t called Every Latino In The World. It was called Cristela. And for me, I wanted to show a mom like that because you ever notice that the moms on TV, they’re never like that? They’re always kind of the same. They’re always very happy. They never get mad. My mom used to get mad, you know? They never get mad. Think about it. Paper towel commercials. You guys… the kid will drop, like, a gallon of orange juice. Orange juice! That shit’s expensive! I don’t care if that’s Sunny Delight or Tampico. That shit is expensive. For those of you that don’t know Tampico… Tampico is an orange liquid. You can buy, like, 30 gallons of it for a dollar. And it glows in the dark. Like, why the fuck does it glow in the dark? I keep a gallon of it in the fridge in case there’s a power outage. I just take it out. I’m like, “Everybody follow the Tampico.” “Everybody.” It’s like a highlighter you can drink. Tampico. The mom and the kid clean it up, then they have a dance party. My mom wasn’t like that, you know? And, you know… You guys have been a great audience and I’m actually going to tell you a story that I don’t normally tell people, and after tonight, I will never tell this story again. But it’s a story of the kind of woman my mom was, in case you didn’t believe that she was really like that. This story is a very true story and it… It takes a lot out of me, but I wanna say it, because, again, I’m trying to let people know what kind of mom my mom was, what kind of person she was. When I was 21… I moved to Los Angeles by myself. I didn’t know anybody. And I lived in my car for a very long time. And my family didn’t know that because I was the baby, and I didn’t want them to worry. And at 21, my oldest brother calls me and tells me… that our mom is sick and I have to go home. Now, I’m 21 and… it’s a hard thing to hear. So I go home to visit my mom, and when I get there, my brother tells me, “You know, we didn’t wanna scare you. She’s pretty bad. We brought you here so that you could say bye to her.” Now, at 21, we all think we know everything. We all think we’re adults, we have our shit together. But trust me, when you get news like that, you realize that you’re nothing but a kid. Your 30s, 40s, any time you get that, you realize that you’re still a kid. When I heard that, I didn’t know what to do. Because I had that chance. Now, you gotta know, I come from an old-school Mexican family. We don’t tell each other how we feel. You know, like… we hide it. We make fun of each other. We don’t hug, we don’t kiss, we insult each other. “Hey, fatso, you’re fucking fat!” My family wasn’t like that. Like, that’s what we did. We didn’t hug and stuff. And I thought to myself… “If you’re like this first generation and you’re one of the few that’s doing the first of everything in your family, do something, do the first of something. Tell this woman what you think of them, what you think of this person. Tell her how you feel.” I thought, “Can I tell my mom how I really feel?” And I thought, “If not now, when?” I went inside to her room… and she looked different. Sometimes they don’t tell you that they’ll look different. And the moment I saw her… I cried. And I was like… “I love you. You’re the most important person in my life. Everything I do, I do to honor your journey. And if I could bargain with God… I would shorten my life so that you could have a longer one, and I would take care of you until you died and make sure that you had the happiest life ever.” And she started crying. Which surprised me. I didn’t know she could. And it was sad. At the same time, I thought, “How great is it that I got the chance to say that? How great is it that I had that last moment, that I got to tell her how I felt, how much I loved her… right before she died?” And then she didn’t die. She didn’t fucking die! Do you know how awkward the next day was? “Oh!” “You’re still here?” “Uh-huh!” That woman… lived for another year. And every day, she would make fun of me. And called me a pussy. For being so weak. Every day, “Cristela, I want a hamburger.” “You can’t have one. You’re sick.” “But you love me!” Thank you, guys, for coming, San Antonio! Thank you so much! You guys have been amazing! Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you! Thank you. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jack Whitehall: At Large (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jack-whitehall-at-large-2017-full-transcript/

Filmed on location at the Eventim Apollo Please welcome Jack Whitehall. Show business, baby. Show business. Wow! How amazing is this? Here we are at the record of my first ever Netflix special. Yeah. I don’t know why I’m talking into this. I’m on a head set. I doubt that’s even on. I doubt that is even… I mean, not even plugged in. Literally just a prop. This is an international show. I’ve realized, right, trying to do the international show, that the cultural divide is much greater than we think. The biggest difference, I realize, between us and our American cousins, when I went to California, was the attitude to drinking. Completely different. I heard sentences in California that I’ve never heard before. Like this: “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did you see Larry? Larry had four glasses of wine with dinner. I think Larry… may be an alcoholic.” Yes, I know. Four glasses of wine with dinner in America: you’re an alcoholic. Four glasses of wine with dinner in Britain: you’re the designated driver. Nothing, though, sums up the differing attitudes to drinking in the UK and the US than what we encourage our children, our little babies, to leave out Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Do you know what the kids in America leave out Santa Claus on Christmas Eve? Milk and cookies. “Hey, Santa, I’m gonna leave this big old glass of milk. It’s packed full of calcium so your bones can be strong and sturdy. Love you, Santa. Santa Claus, love you. I love you, Santa Claus.” What do the children of Britain leave out Santa Claus every Christmas Eve? Sherry. Neat liquor, which we have our children believe Santa Claus is downing at every house, whilst operating a sleigh. “Could we leave him a cookie, Daddy?” “No, eating’s cheating, you bastard.” “Go grab some tinnies for the elves, you little…” “Daddy?” “What?” “Why am I American, and you’re from the north of England?” “I don’t know. Jack messed up your voice. Now he’s messing up mine. I’ve gone Jamaican.” Every time. I probably should have asked, before I launched into all of that… And before I ask you this question as an audience as well, I need you to understand something very important. This… is a safe space. Seriously, OK? This is the trust tree. Everyone climbs and nobody falls. Yeah, even I find that one a bit camp, but… Trust tree. OK? Safe space. Do we have any non-drinkers in? Burn the witch! Sorry. Sorry. Yes. That was very loud. This guy nearly shat himself. I’m sorry. I didn’t meant that, madam. Sorry. I have a huge amount of respect to you. I come from a family of heavy drinkers. My dad, he drinks a lot. This is how big a drinker my dad is. I took my dad to a McDonald’s the other day, for the first time ever. He asked to see a wine list. Very confusing, McDonald’s. They’ve got salads, carrot batons… I swear, we are a year away from McQuinoa. That’s why I like KFC. KFC, they know what they are. There’s no healthy options in a KFC. No airs and graces with a KFC. Here is some deep-fried shit for you to eat out of a bucket. We’ll even chuck in a wet-wipe because we can’t trust you to wash your hands. Go on, eat it piggy. “I wonder what the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices is.” Salt! It’s not rocket science. I just want to make clear, I’ve never complained in a restaurant. I’m British. I would never complain in a restaurant. If I’m with someone that complains in a restaurant, I die inside. “Don’t say anything. Don’t make a scene. Just eat the nut, all right? We have an EpiPen at home. We will deal with it later. What? No. Everything’s wonderful. She’s loving it. Her neck is always that big. That’s very normal.” Ex-girlfriend, Ella. Or Nut-Ella, as we used to call her. No, no! Oh, God rest her soul. The other thing my dad can’t get his head round is technology. I’ve got a great prank that I play on my dad. You’ve got to try this. If your parent is a bit of a technophobe, what I do, is I wait for my mum to buy a new bit of machinery for their house. Doesn’t matter what it is: laptop, coffee machine, new printer. And then I tell my 76-year-old dad that said piece of machinery… is voice-activated. Oh, my God, you have not known true joy until you have seen a 76-year-old man tell an electric blanket to go fuck itself. I’m not being ageist, OK? I think it’s very important that we respect our elders. I was visiting my granny recently. My dear old Nan. You know. Got to check the will… Check they’re well. Check that she is well. My granny is very much from a different generation. Oh, my God, we were clearing out her house the other day. We found some quite dubious things on her shelves. Oh, dear. I know. I know. I took her aside. I was, like, “Granny, come on. It is 2017. Who is still using VHS?” Yeah, the racist doll is not great either. Also, this is exactly as I found it in her house. If you’re going to have your racist doll out on display, which you shouldn’t, please do not have your racist doll out on display above your copy of Nelson Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedom. She’s unbelievable, my granny. She’s in a nursing home now, and she sits there in her commode. You know, the chair with the potty underneath it. That’s not the funny bit, mate! She sits there on her potty, knitting, watching Murder She Wrote. Right? And she doesn’t have a lot of fun. And it got me thinking, because I saw this article recently about the writer, Aldous Huxley. This is such bullshit. I saw a tweet. Do you know what Aldous Huxley asked for on his deathbed? LSD. Now that is the attitude more old people need to be taking. More of the elderly need to start experimenting with recreational drugs. I’m not saying do drugs when you’re younger. That’s a bad idea. You might get into them. But when you’re 85, living in a nursing home, fuck it! If I lived in a nursing home I’d get on it all the time. Also, they’ve got the perfect set-up: disposable income, nurses on call, daytime television, a chair you can shit yourself in… It’s bloody perfect. I’m just bored of hearing people talking about their grandparents when they go, “How did your granny die?” “She died in her sleep.” Like that’s a good thing. Who wants to die in their sleep? I want my granny to go out all guns blazing. I want people to ask me, “Jack, how did your granny die?” “She dropped an E and had a stroke whilst doing the worm to Antiques Roadshow. “ Don’t do drugs, kids. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not into the drugas. I did have an experience recently. I went away on a lads’ weekend. Oi, oi! Lads! Lads! Lads! I was with Digby and Rupert and… Quite the threesome… That sounded less gay in my head. That’s the most overrated thing in the world: the threesome. Sorry, this is a bit of an aside. I had a threesome once, at school, OK? It was with this beautiful Italian exchange student called Maria and this chap called Monkford, and… No, you just get in each other’s way. Eventually I had to be, like, “I think it’s best if you leave us two together.” Fortunately, she was very understanding. Monkford. Odd chap, but a bloody good teacher. So, lads’ weekend. Lads’ weekend, OK? We went to Amsterdam. So, we’re in Amsterdam and me and my chums, Rupes and Diggers, we’re down this kind of back street, and one them, Diggers: naughty guy. Diggers is smoking some of the weedy puff. I’m not into it, as you probably guessed by the fact that I called it weedy puff. “Weed.” That’s how normal people talk, Jack. So he was smoking some weed, and he turned to me and he went, “Jack, do you want a suck on this?” Not… not suck. Not suck. That is not the word that he used. That is not what he… This is going well. “I was with my friend and he asked if I wanted to suck…” That is not… I’m having a brain burp. Not suck. What’s the word? Puff! Thank you to the crack whore down the front. “Do you want a puff on this weed?” Anyway, I said no because, you know, we’re in public. It’s not a great look. What if someone sees? He went, “Jack, two things. Firstly, it’s legal. Secondly, we’re in Holland. No one knows who the fuck you are. Smoke it.” Now, I’m not proud. I gave in to the peer pressure. This is why you cannot smoke a spliff on the street in the year 2017. I shit you not. As I put this spliff to my lips I looked up, and the bloody Google Maps car with the 360 camera was driving past. I read something about Google the other day. You know last year, in the UK, from advertising alone, Google made 66 million pounds. Which, after tax, is 66 million pounds. We’re going to some highbrow territory this evening. We have silliness and gimmicks at the beginning, but this is a sophisticated show. I’m nearly 30 now. OK? I had a dinner party the other night. We talked about mortgage rates. Sophisticated show for a sophisticated audience. So, dick pics… This is actually a very serious story, OK? Very serious story. Because last year I had a dick pic scare. Why is there laughing over there? I said that this was a serious story and if I’m going to share it with you, there needs to be mutual respect. Don’t blow down the trust tree. Serious story. So, last year I had a dick pic scare. A friend of mine calls me up. He’s, like, “Jack, there is a dick pic of you circulating online.” Fucking watch it. “There’s a dick pic of you online.” I was so distressed. “Oh, my God, this can’t be happening.” Then I thought, wait a sec, this really can’t be happening. I have never taken a photograph of my penis in my life. So, unless they’ve got hold of Mr Monkford’s laptop, this ain’t me. I call my agent. I’m very distressed. I’m, like, “Make this go away. Get a lawyer. Shut it down. Make it stop.” Hung up the phone. So distressed. Heart pounding. My friend sends me a link to this dick pic. I click on it. Comes up on my computer screen. I mean, 100%, this was not a photograph of me. But, my God, it was… the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen. It was unbelievable. It was long and tanned and sinuous. It looked like Aslan’s tail. Magical! My agent called me back: “What do you want to do?” I was, like, “You know, I think we should just leave it.” I was re-tweeting it. I was favoriting it. I made it my profile picture. You’ve got to own these things. Got to own these things. This is the thing, OK. I have had these scandals in my career, and I’m always on the verge of another. Because I put my foot in it. I can’t help it. I nearly did it on a big scale last year. Last year I was asked to host the Royal Variety Show. The prestigious, annual charity gala, attended by a member of the Royal Family. The year that I hosted it, it was attended by Prince Harry. I was, like, “I’ll start by paying Prince Harry a compliment. Get him on side.” So I walked out. Five thousand people. Black tie. Royal Albert Hall. I was, like, “Your Royal Highness, I would like to start by complimenting you on the bravery and the courage that you showed in Afghanistan. A ginger in that heat? Fuck me!” I’m glad you laughed, because on the night that one went down like a dead corgi. From there on in, hard work. End of the show, the one thing you’ve got to do, as host of the Royal Variety Show, is lead the cast in a bow to the royal box. So, I’m stood on stage, end of the show, next to Sir Elton John, national treasure, and One Direction, regional trinkets, and they’re there, and they’re there. And do you know why I didn’t do the bow to the royal box? Because Elton John, Sir Elton John, national treasure, a man who I have never met before in my life, thought it would be funny, live on TV, in front of 5,000 people at the Royal Albert Hall, as I was about to bow to the royal box, he leant in and whispered in my ear, “I wouldn’t bend over in front of me, love.” And there’s cameras everywhere. They caught the exact moment he said it. Pulled out of the bow. So that was quite bad: act of treason, live on stage. It gets even worse. Afterwards, they have this black tie charity reception. God, these stories are so relatable. So, I stupidly decided that I would invite, as my plus-one to the charity reception, my mate, Dave. Some of them are laughing: “Jack, you do not have a friend called Dave.” It’s short for The Earl of Daventry. OK, it’s a fake name. He’s not called Dave. I’ve given him a fake name for this story because he doesn’t come out of it great. Now, what Dave is: Dave is your dickhead friend. So, I’m hanging out with dickhead friend at the bar. You don’t hang out with a dickhead friend. You man mark him. So I’m man-marking dickhead friend at the bar. Prince Harry walks over. Prince Harry walks over with two armed security personnel. Just remember that for later on in the story. These guys have guns. So, he walks over. Me and Gabe stood here, at the bar. Dave, not Gabe. That went well. Give him a fake name and then just say his actual name out loud. What do I do? Do I start again? Fuck. No… I can’t believe I’ve done that. I normally do that story and I just say his name, and the Netflix lawyer was, like, “You have to give him a fake name.” So I made up the name and then I just said his actual name. Can they beep it? What have I done? OK. Well, his name isn’t Dave. His name is Gabe. So, I guess we’re going with Gabe. Gabe Turner is his full name. He’s on Twitter. This goes out all over the world. He’s gonna kill me. OK. Sorry. Stop crying and get on with the show. OK. Right. So, Prince Harry walks over to me and Gabe Emmanuel Turner… So, Gabe, Dave, whatever. I’ve forgotten his name. Gabe, OK, is a big guy. He’s got cauliflower ears, shaved head, like, big rugby player, all right. The kind of guy you wouldn’t want to throw under the bus. Anyway, Gabe is a big guy. Prince Harry walks over. He decides he’s gonna do a little joke. He walks over. He’s, like, “Mr Whitehall, is this your bodyguard?” I was, like, “That’s so funny, because he’s very tall. You’re so amusing.” Probably cut that bit out as well. So, no, the problem is, I was so busy laughing at Harry’s little joke, I didn’t realize what was unfolding next to me. It was like one of those moments in life where everything happens in slow motion. I turned to my left. I could see that my dickhead friend was gearing up to drop a clanger but there was nothing that I could do to stop it from happening. Do you know what his response was, to getting called a bodyguard? By the fifth in line to the throne? At a black tie charity reception? He went, “Oi oi, fuck off, Ron Weasley.” Shots fired. Shots fired. To be fair to Harry, he leaves it just long enough for me to think that my friend is about to be executed by the security services. And then, cool as you like, goes, “Well, I’d rather look like Ron Weasley than Shrek.” Thanks to Gabe Turner, my career over here was in tatters. The knighthood was out the window. I was never gonna be allowed on TV ever again. But I was, like, it’s fine. Because this is gonna be the year that I break America. No, don’t whoo. America, very much still intact. I got an American manager. Chad, the American manager. Never heard more crap come out of a man’s mouth in my life. “Kid, what you gotta think about me is that I’m not your manager. I’m your team mate. OK? And there is no ‘I’ in team.” No, but there is one in “bullshit.” Tricked me into signing with him, did Chad, as well. He was, like, “You sign with me, there is a movie with a part in it. Oh, my God. This part, it was written for you kid. It was written for you. I represent the director. You sign with me, the part is yours.” I was, like, “Great, thanks Chad. Sign me up.” Joined the agency. Auditioned for the part that was “written for me.” Didn’t get it. Went to see the film six months later. Do you know who was playing the part that was “written for me”? Idris Elba. Idris Elba. I’m not having a pop. Obviously, Idris is a great actor. And in hindsight, he made a much better Nelson Mandela than I would have. “I have been on a long walk to freedom.” No, it wasn’t right. Don’t do the voice. It’s not even the worst audition Chad got me. The worst audition came when I was in America last. Before I tell you what this was for, I need to give some of you a little bit of back-story about my acting career. When I was at school I was a big fan of drama. I know. Shock, horror. Not the only fan of drama, though. The other guy that was really into drama at my school was a chap called Robert Pattinson. There he is. Young R Patz, star of the Twilight films. And, every time there was a school play at my school, Robert Pattinson would get cast in the lead role, and villager 17… would go to this guy. Yeah. Laugh it up! For some reason, my drama teacher wanted the star of his play to be the young James Dean and not the young K D Lang. It’s fair to say that, over the years, I’ve built up resentment towards R Patz. He became my rival. Rival’s a strong word. Nemesis. He is my nemesis. I’ve made jokes about him before. I’ve called him a wooden actor. I’ve written an entire show about him. I have milked that titty dry for every droplet of its bitter, bitter milk. Eventually, one day I was, like, “You need to put that anger away in a box. You need to hide it away and you need to get on with your life.” And I vowed that I would never speak about Robert Pattinson on stage ever again. And it was going really well. Until Chad called me up out of the blue. He was, like, “Kid, oh, my God, I got you an audition for a movie. This part is amazing, and get this: in this movie you would be starring opposite… Robert Pattinson.” OMG. FML. WTF. And, you know what the word was that chimed? “Opposite.” Not below. Not beneath. Not behind Robert Pattinson. Opposite Robert Pattinson. After all these years of feeling inadequate, finally, me and my nemesis were on a level playing field and it felt amazing. I was, like, “Chad, tell me about the part. What are we? A couple of swashbuckling heroes? You know, good cop, bad cop? Two dashing gents competing for the hand of a fair maiden?” He went, “No, not quite. In this movie, you would be playing Matt, and Matt…” Get ready for it. “Matt is Robert Pattinson’s character’s mentally handicapped brother.” Yes. I thought it was a tasteless joke as well. Ten minutes later, that dropped into my inbox. It was a genuine audition to play the younger brother of Robert Pattinson with, to use the politically correct term, Chad, learning difficulties. I had to go away and have a little think about this offer. I told my friends. They all thought it was hilarious. I told my father. My father, slightly more pragmatic about the whole situation. He went, “Well, you’ve got to go for it, son. Those kind of parts are Oscar bait.” “Look at history: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Rain Man, Forrest Gump… You know what they say, son: play a mong, get a gong.” No, they do not say that. You have just said that. But, here’s where the ego of the actor kicks in. Within about five minutes I’m thinking, “Well, he has got a point. This is my chance to prove to the world that I’m a serious actor. I’m taking the audition.” It was the weirdest audition I have ever done. The first thing that was unusual about this audition is that there was no script. I was told that I would just have to walk into the room, with the casting director, and improvise in character. Well, I had to ask some questions. I went in. The casting director was there. I was, like, “Um, hello, I just needed to know, um, how… mentally, you know… do you want me to be?” He said, “What you’re doing now is fantastic.” I haven’t started! The note that came back was amazing. They referred me to the original email. “What we want from your character, everything about him should be dulled and emotionless. From facial expressions to the tone of his voice.” I said, “Is it not gonna look weird if I’m doing the exact same thing as Robert Pattinson?” Burn! Yeah. Yeah, I didn’t get the part. It’s fine. It’s fine. I didn’t want it. My career as an actor has all been about the near misses. Harry Potter. I auditioned for Harry Potter when I was 11. Got so close and was just pipped to the post by that bitch, Emma Watson. Frozen. Oh, my gosh. That was another Chad classic, OK? Chad calls me up out of the blue. “Kid, I know you love Disney movies. How would you like to be in Frozen? ” I was, like, “My God, which princess am I playing?” He went, “You’re gonna be a troll.” Fine. I’ll be a troll. I played Gothi the Troll in Frozen. Yeah. We all remember Gothi the Troll from Frozen. One of the main parts. Yeah. One line in Frozen. This was my one line in Frozen. Ready? “I trollfully bid you farewell.” Don’t all applaud at once. Jesus. I’m well aware of how pathetic it was. But I was so excited about my one little part in Frozen. I went in. I nailed it. I left that sound studio. I told everyone that I was gonna be in Frozen. “Gonna be the star of a Disney film. Grab a selfie while you can.” Film comes out. I am watching Frozen on the screen. It gets to the bit in the enchanted forest. I see my character there in front of me. Gothi the Troll, the fat little fucker, right there. He clears his throat. He goes to speak, and the camera cuts away to Princess Elsa. And she starts singing some lame Disney song about being a princess. I’m sorry. I was shouting at the screen. I was, like, “Oi, excuse me, Elsa, zip it, bitch. Gothi had something to say.” Well, I’m asked to leave the cinema. I call Chad. I’m, like, “Chad, what happened? I was just watching Frozen and my line does not appear to be in it.” He was, like, “Oh, kid, I’m so sorry. I forgot to tell you. Disney called and, unfortunately, your part in the movie has been reduced to a non-speaking role.” “A non-speaking role? Chad, it is an animation. That means I’m not in it.” “Hey kid, calm down. You’ve got to just… let it go.” “Let it go? Don’t give me ‘let it go’!” “Like, it’s fine. It’s gonna look great on your IMDb.” “Oh, it’s gonna look great on my IMDb, is it, Chad? It’s gonna look good that I’m the 81st listed cast member of 82? I’m below the guy that made the grunting noises for the fucking reindeer.” “Uncredited.” That is the only evidence that my performance in Frozen exists. Which is probably for the best, given the circumstances. Thank God there is not a picture of me doing a press interview in front of a poster for a film that I’m not in. Oh, wait, no. There is. A picture of me doing an interview for a film that I’m not in. And look at that smug face, as well. You’re not in the film, mate. And that would be fine, if it had never seen the light of day again. But, as we’ve already established, some of my friends are dickheads. And one dickhead friend in particular, Mr Gabe Turner, found out about the existence of this picture and thought it would be funny to share it all over social media. Not only that: Gabe figured that if I was promoting this film that I’m not in, maybe there are other films that I’m also not in, that I could have been promoting. So, the following day, I log onto Facebook and this is on his wall. The next day, I log onto Facebook, and that is on his wall. And this is the best one. Time and effort has gone into making it. On the third day I log onto Facebook and that is on his bloody wall. The troll got trolled. It’s been a challenging year, because I love Disney more than anyone else. I love Disney so much, but it’s been challenged this year. The other thing: I went to America. I was staying in a hotel for two months and they messed up my booking. I check in. They’re, like, “Sir, there has been an error with your booking. It doesn’t matter, though. We’re gonna pop you in our sister hotel.” Well, it turned out their sister hotel… was the Disney hotel, in Disneyland, Anaheim, where they were expecting me to live for two months of my life. I went, “No, unfortunately that cannot happen. I cannot live in Disneyland because I am a grown man.” I came to America because I wanted to be put onto a TV show, not the sex offenders register. And, don’t get me wrong, I love hotels. I love staying in hotels. I love staying in hotels for the same reason that we all love staying in hotels: I love stealing from hotels. And I’m so good at it as well. I’ve got it down to a fine art. They’ve got their little tricks to try and stop us from nicking their shit. You go into the bathroom and they’ve got the shower gel mounted on a wall bracket, which is why I always take a drill. Or the little passive-aggressive notes. Have you been into one of those? I was staying in one. I open the cupboard. They’ve got this: “If you would like this robe, it will cost you 30 pounds.” So I nicked it and left that. Another one they’ve got in the Disney hotel: Disney characters, embroidered onto all of the towels. Yes. I know. That sounds sweet, until you’re drying your bollocks on the face of the old man from Up. Just there in the bathroom, tea-bagging a grieving pensioner. “Oh, God… I’m sorry about your wife.” There’s too much Disney in the Disney hotel. This is the problem. They’ve got Disney characters on all of the walls. Disney wallpaper, Disney bedlinen, Disney music in the elevators. Disney characters, that work at the hotel as members of staff. All the main ones. You know: Cinderella, Aladdin. Gothi the Troll… All the famous ones that we love. And they’re not allowed to break character at any point during your stay. Have you got any idea how fucking annoying that is? I nearly turned into Jack Nicholson from The Shining. You check in and Goofy’s on reception. In the restaurant, Donald Duck’s manning the carvery. I can pinpoint, though, the exact moment… that my childhood died. I’d been there for two weeks. I’m in my room. I’m tired. I’m alone. I call down to the front desk. Mickey Mouse answers the phone. “Hey, hey, hey buddy. What can I do for you today?” “Mickey… I need to activate the porn channels on my TV.” Inner child: dead. You don’t want this. These are your heroes. Having an argument with Simba at the front desk about your itemized bill. “I want to speak with someone more senior. Fetch me… Mufasa.” Not good at complaining. There’s certain situations in life, right, where every time I fall apart. Complaining is one of them. Passport control. That’s another. Can’t do it. And I don’t have anything to hide. It doesn’t help that I have the creepiest passport photo that has ever been taken. People, thinking you’ve got a bad passport photo, you have not seen anything yet. Brace yourselves… for this shit. What is that? I look like I’ve just taken Liam Neeson’s daughter. Yes. Very funny. “Benedict.” We can all read. So, every time I approach passport control, that is in my head. I’m about to hand that over. It does not excuse how much I fall apart under the most basic of questioning. I walk up. I’m, like, “Hello.” “Where are you traveling from?” “France… no, Spain. Shit, sorry, Italy. Didn’t sleep on the plane. Drugs didn’t work. Not drugs, drugs. I mean, drugs like sleeping pill drugs. I don’t have any drugs on me. I’m not a mule. Don’t look at my bottom. I have explosive diarrhea… Not like a bomb. Shit! Just said ‘bomb’. Well, it’s just a word. The more you say it, the less offensive it becomes. Bomb! Bomb, bomb, bomb! You’re all looking at me like I’m a terrorist. I promise you, I’m not a terrorist. I’m just plain old Jack. ‘Hi, Jack.’ Not hijack. Shit! No, don’t shoot!” Here’s another one I’ve never understood at airports. Why do people think it’s acceptable to cut in line at airports? Never acceptable to barge the line. All right? Some people think there are exceptions. Like, if you’re late. Not an excuse. I was waiting to check in, in the airport. This woman comes barging to the front and proffers this bullshit: “Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. I’ve got to get a flight.” Well, no shit, Sherlock. We’re in a fucking airport. Why do you think I’m here? To buy a big Toblerone? Please, let me get out of your way with these bags which I take everywhere. Back of the line! Is what I wanted to say. Unfortunately, as I’m British, that came out as: “Please, after you… dickhead.” The celebrity queue-barge. Not acceptable. I’ve seen that happen first-hand. I was in Disneyland, the park. Thunder Mountain. Got to make the most of these situations. In the line, 30 minutes. All of a sudden, this little jumped-up Disney star, this little, kind of, precocious Justin Bieber type, with his entourage, swept to the front of the queue. All the Americans were fine with it. I’m sorry. I’m British. I had to say something. I had a full-blown argument with his manager, then and there. She kept name-dropping this show that he was on, like I gave a shit. She kept going, “He is from Make a Wish.” I was, like, “Never heard of it.” Arrogant little bastard wearing a cap so no one would recognize him. She kept going, “He’s not got long.” I’m, like, “We’ve all got places to be, love.” Well, that one divided the room. Don’t worry. That is a joke. I didn’t actually say that. But I thought of it. So I’m going to hell. I hate travelling. The other reason I hate travelling is, I can’t sleep in public. And I can’t sleep in public because I sleep with my eyes open. Medical condition, not just a habit from boarding school: “Watch it.” Four percent of the population sleep with their eyes open. Anyone else? No one. There might be. We don’t know they’ve nodded off. If I fall asleep with my contact lenses in it’s pretty peculiar. A friend of mine took a photograph of me passed out in public. This is the look. Oh, yeah. Hello, ladies! Such an embarrassing photo for me to show you. Please don’t tell anyone that I was on a bus. It’s so bad, this situation, so bad, that someone complained about me once on a plane. I know. I was, like, “It is a medical condition, OK?” But, looking back on it now, I can see it from my fellow passenger’s perspective. Because he did not know that I slept with my eyes open. Also, not the only trick that my body plays on me when I fall asleep. Yeah. A couple of you are ahead of me here. I imagine, for my fellow passenger, it was quite unnerving that, for the duration of a three-hour flight, every time he turned to his left, the passenger in the seat next to him appeared to be slumped there, gazing into his eyes, drool tumbling from my bottom lip, nursing a semi. I hate travelling on the plane so much. I’m a nervous flyer as well. And I don’t think they do enough to help us nervous flyers. Safety demonstration. Can we drop that already? Why do we have to start every flight with them performing a little pantomime entitled, The Horrific Ways You Could Die on This Plane. Also, if you’re gonna keep it, update it. I think I speak for us all when I say, we have got the seat belt fastening down. We have a routine on planes. And everyone’s used to the routine, so no one questions it. Well, I’m the guy who questions the routine. Finally, this is some relatable material. Air travel: we all do that. Jack Whitehall, everyman comedian. Relatable. So, I’m in my flat bed on the top deck… …doing something that we’ve all done loads of times on the plane. Drinking a glass of champagne. No, no. Lifting up the blind for take-off and landing. And, for the first time ever, I decided I would ask the stewardess why I had to lift up the blind for take-off and landing. It is a question… that I regret asking. Because I have fact-checked her response, and this is the genuine reason on the Civil Aviation website. I said, “Madam, out of interest, why do… I have to lift up the blind, for take-off and landing?” She looked at me. Do you know what she said? She went, “Well, sir, if something were to go wrong with the engine, then you are the pilot’s eyes.” I beg your fucking pardon? I’m not ready for that level of responsibility. And no one told me that when I purchased the ticket. I was very much under the impression that I was travelling as a passenger, not bloody co-pilot. Also, I think you may have picked the wrong guy. I’m the guy you want, keeping an eye out for engine failure? This guy is your look out? Really? Also, how does that scenario play out in your head while we’re nosediving towards the ground? I look out of the window and see smoke billowing from the engine. I’m meant to just amble up to the cockpit, put my head through the door: “Awfully sorry, gents. Your eyes in the back, here. I don’t know whether you’re aware of this but one of the wings has fallen off. You might want to buckle up. I will send someone through to show you how it’s done. Thank you.” “The pilot’s eyes”! I’ll be the pilot’s flapping asshole, all right? I don’t want any responsibility on a plane. Like the emergency exit row seat. That one with the leg room. Does anyone take that when they fly? Oh, you’re braver than me. No amount of leg room in the world is worth that level of responsibility. Because I’ve sat in that seat. I know what happens. She comes up to you, the stewardess, at the beginning of the flight. She goes, “Sir, if we needed you to, could you open that door?” And you go… “Yep.” And that’s it. There is no training or psychological assessment. If that’s an important job, which I suspect it is, I want the people to be screened. I want there to be an auditioning process. I want to meet every fucker on the plane and take a vote. It cannot just come down to the person that was willing to pay 15 quid more. Do you ever see the person in that seat and think, “Fucking really?” I was walking onto the plane the other day. The guy in the exit row seat had spilt a milkshake all down his front. I stopped dead in my tracks. Is this a wind-up? This is the guy, when the shit hits the fan at 30,000 feet, our lives are in the hands of fucking Milkshake Mike over here? He’s gonna open that door? The guy can’t even open a bloody Nesquik. I take myself out of the equation. Right? Because I can’t trust myself. Because we don’t know what we’d be like in an emergency until it happens. Yes, we all like to think we’d be a hero. We all like to think we’d be the person that would be tearing off that door, picking up little old ladies, sending them down the inflatable slide. I’m not sure that’s how you do it. But there is a strong possibility that, in fact, in an emergency situation, I would be the kind of person that would be hurling women and children out of the life raft to make room for my luggage. I’ve never paddled a boat before. That’s what we’ve learnt! It’s like a gondola. What the fuck? I could be a bastard. I don’t know. In fact, I think I do know. I would be. That’s the only bit I do like about safety demonstration: “Please make sure you attach your oxygen mask before helping others.” Yep, not gonna be a problem. “We meant children.” Yeah. The only way I am attaching an oxygen mask to a child before me is if it’s a fat kid that I can use as an airbag. Wow. That’s the one that got you. Make a Wish? Fine. Fat kids? No. I’m in a… relationship. A long-term relationship, We’re getting to that stage where she’s dropping hints. We’re not married yet. Posh girls are the worst for hints. Five years in, girlfriend turns to me. She’s, like: “I can’t keep introducing you as my boyfriend. That sounds so childish. I could call you my partner, but that’s quite formal. Lover? Soulmate?” I was, like, “Landlord is fine.” “Landlord? And I’m your tenant?” I was, like, “No, tenants pay rent. You’re a squatter.” It’s fine. That actual girlfriend was evicted, and the current… My current girlfriend is great. She doesn’t pressure me. We have big conversations. The kid conversation keeps coming up. I’m not sure whether I’m necessarily ready to have a child at the moment. Someone sniggering at the idea of me reproducing. Thank you very much for laughing at that. But you’re right, it’s ridiculous. I can’t even look after a phone. And you drop a phone, you can get a new one. Doesn’t work like that with kids. Same goes with upgrades. You get a slow one, you’re stuck with it. That… that was amazing. As I told that joke, I looked over there and saw a Dad point at his son. That’s made my night. Thank you very much. Oh, no. What just happened there: I remembered what the next joke is. And if you didn’t like that one, you’re gonna hate this one. Just can’t do it. Go on! I’m gonna do it, obviously. Obviously. If they don’t like it, it’s your fault. Peer pressure, OK? OK. Now I’ve got it. I’ve got it. OK, we’re talking about having kids and I’m in bed with my girlfriend. These are just jokes. It’s all fun. I’m sweating. Right. I’m lying in bed with my girlfriend and she turns to me. Sorry. She didn’t do that. “What? What’s happening?” Lying in bed, she turns to me, and she throws this curve-ball at me: “Jack, would you ever consider adoption?” I went, “Well, only if you got pregnant.” All my friends now, they’re all getting kids. Loads of them are getting married. Loads of my mates are getting married now. I lost four friends last year. That sounds like I’m never gonna see them again. Statistically, two of them will come crawling back. Realistically, four. I don’t object to people’s happiness. What I object to is their delusion of my level of interest in it, sometimes. Wedding lists. Oh, the wedding register. That is the worst. The first time I got a wedding list through, I thought it was a wind-up. These are grown adults. “Here is a list of the gifts that we want.” I had to run to the mirror to see whether I’d grown a beard and a fucking sleigh. I always get to it late as well, when there’s only two things left, and all you can get them is a butter knife or a yacht. The problem: these people are taking the piss. It’s bad enough when it’s something mundane, like plates. They wanted plates the other day. You didn’t have those before? “Yes, we just thought it was time to stop eating our food directly off the table.” Or when they go high-end, that’s even worse. My friend from university, my best mate from uni, on his wedding list is asking for a Royal Albert tea set. I’m, like, “Mate, I’ve seen you eat Cheerios out of a slipper.” Forty quid as well, for the Royal Albert tea set. No way. In the end, I gave him a kettle and some mugs that I got for free. Thank you, Travelodge. The only thing that I like about weddings, and you must have seen this. It’s so good. The best thing about going to a wedding is bumping into a bloke that you met on the stag weekend, that is now… with his missus. Complete transformation. Gone is the swaggering and posture. Now his whole body is crumpled like a paper cup. The Borat mankini has been folded away for a rainy day. Now, a neatly steamed suit. Best still, is when the voice has changed. All of a sudden, because they’re with their missus, they’ve started talking like they’re in Pride and Prejudice. You walk over: “Oi, oi, Stevie-boy, the lager monster!” “Greetings and salutations, Jack. May I introduce you to my radiant fiancée, Claire?” “Oh, the fun vacuum.” “What? Oh. No, no.” “You made that joke: she’s the only vacuum that doesn’t suck.” “The vicar’s sermon was wonderful. It nearly moved me to tears.” “Funny, that, because the last time I saw you crying you were led down some stairs in Estonia by a prostitute with an Adam’s apple.” I can’t handle them. I can’t handle stags. Every stag I’ve ever been on, there’s always one member of the group that reveals a true darkness in their soul. It’s always the one you least suspect, isn’t it? It’s always the quiet one. The groom’s “friend from home.” “This is my mate Colin.” “Hello! Oh, the journey I had down here. The Hanger Lane gyratory was chock-a-block. Thankfully, I had my good friend Classic FM to keep me company.” Yeah, got Colin down: wearing a fleece, just ordered a Sprite. Bit of a square, but probably a decent enough guy. Cut to five hours later. Colin is being escorted out of a TGI Friday’s for shitting in a woman’s handbag. The stag-do kitty. That’s never worked in the history of mankind. The stag-do kitty. “Yeah, chaps, we’re all gonna pay into the kitty, and then this kitty will last all of us for the entire weekend.” Gone within 20 minutes. “What? There was a grand in there.” “Oh, yeah, sorry, Colin bought a gun. He’s fucking weird.” Then the journey back from the stag: the most depressing flight in existence. You’re all there, on the plane. Shivering wrecks. Like broken men returning from war. The deafening silence throughout the fuselage of a thousand stories that can never be told. You’re sober for the first time in 72 hours and now, only too aware that you’re sat in public wearing a T-shirt that says “Lord Bumalot.” You think it’s bad for you? You turn to the back of the plane and there he is. Colin, strapped into his seat like Hannibal Lecter. He’s got a black eye, a criminal conviction and hepatitis B. The fear slowly creeping across his face that, come Monday morning, it’s back to work, teaching in his primary school. There’s women laughing. I can see their faces as I’m doing this routine. They’re laughing, but looking down their noses at us. They are tutting away, going, “Oh, you boys, why do you do it?” You know why you don’t have a leg to stand on, ladies? Because whereas, on a stag weekend, one of us turns out to be Colin, on a hen weekend, you’re all Colin. So, I go to a lot of weddings. I went to my first Muslim wedding the other day. That was an experience. I learnt the exact extent of my religious tolerance that day. It’s got quite tense in here. Don’t worry. Me at a Muslim wedding: what could go wrong? So we arrived at this wedding. It was one of my girlfriend’s friends. We walked in, so I went, “So, where’s the bride?” “I haven’t met her. It’s an arranged marriage.” I went, “That’s weird… Not weird. Didn’t mean to say weird. This is a day where we must celebrate our cultural differences. Plus, it’s ammunition for the best man’s speech.” “There is no best man’s speech at a Muslim wedding.” “Again, that does seem quite unusual but this is a day of love and tolerance. Where’s the bar?” “There is no bar. It’s a dry wedding.” “Get in the fucking car.” It was a wedding without alcohol. Let me just repeat that. It was a wedding without alcohol. You cannot have a wedding without alcohol. That is like having a funeral without a corpse. You cannot have it. That’s what you do at a wedding. That’s what you do. You drink. You drink afterwards. You drink during if that is an option. I’m not religious. If I ever do get married, 100% I’m having holy communion. Cheeky pick-me-up half way through the service? Hell, yeah! I’m gonna get the priest to drop a little shot of Jägermeister into the chalice. Jesus-bombs all round. I want to make one thing very clear as well. I don’t wish to be disparaging about the Muslim wedding ceremony. The fact that the Muslim ceremony is about more than getting drunk in a field with a load of strangers: they definitely got that right. And the fact that I could not cope at one sober, is purely a reflection of how sad and pathetic a little man I am. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t cope being around so many strangers without a drink. I was grabbing my girlfriend every five minutes. “Hey, maybe we could get some drugs.” “We’re not getting drugs. This is a wedding.” I’m on my phone, slyly googling: “Which drugs are halal?” None of them. None of them. Then I checked myself. I’m, like, “Why am I doing this?” This is what I do: if I’m in an uncomfortable social situation, I regress. I become the man-child again. I don’t want to do that. I want to be that guy that can present a better version of himself in public with his missus. So, I was, like, “For once in my life, I’m just gonna behave.” My girlfriend, she’s with her friends, talking about some book they’ve all read. And I’m over here, just very politely drifting off into a coma. No one knows. I sleep with my eyes open. All of a sudden, this little 13-year-old kid, OK, comes up to me, like a serpent in the garden of Eden. This kid walks up to me, right. Prods me in the ribs and he goes, “Jack… would you rather…” Oh, my God, didn’t I nearly just cry! Who remembers playing Would You Rather in the school playground? The greatest form of mental combat known to man. I looked at this kid with joy and life in my eyes. I was, like, “Little man, I hope you’ve brought your A-game, because you have just stepped into the dojo with the master.” A look over my left shoulder would have informed me that the book club were very much aware that I’d drifted off from their conversation to play a game of Would You Rather with a 13-year-old child. But did I care? Did I fuck. I rolled the dice. I was, like, “Hit me, little man. Hit me.” He looks up at me. He’s, like, “Jack, would you rather… suck chocolate off a tramp’s dick…” Oh! Nice start, my friend. Nice start. My head, now, a swirling vortex of counter questions. I’m thinking, is this milk chocolate or dark? Is this penis flaccid or hard? I’m thinking, I really like chocolate, but I sure as hell am not a fan of dirty old tramp dick. I look to my girlfriend, for moral support if anything else. Oh, dear. Woop-woop. The fun police have surrounded the building. And they want me to come out with my hands held high. But I can’t do that for two reasons. I do not know when the next opportunity to play Would You Rather may be. And, two, more importantly, I cannot carry around the burden of not knowing what the alternative is to sucking chocolate off a tramp’s dick. So, for the second time that evening, I rolled the dice. I was like, “You made an excellent start, but you and I both know, this game lives or dies by the quality of the next option that you lay before me.” Yeah. By this point, the kid was quite scared of me. “Tread very carefully, my friend. Tread very carefully.” At this point, though, it was like the pupil became the master. This kid looked up at me unwaveringly and do you know what he said? He went, “Jack, would you rather suck chocolate off a tramp’s dick… or… have a tramp suck chocolate… off your dick?” Boom! Mind grenade. My face contorted in joy and wonder. Like the first time I’d seen “boobies” displayed on a calculator. I was, like, “What the fuck?” At this point though, our game is brought to an abrupt end as I’m physically manhandled to the corner of the marquee by my girlfriend and told, in no uncertain terms, that as a responsible adult, I should have shut him down, rather than ask the boy if the tramp had teeth. You would! You would. I’ve made undignified exits in my time, but nothing compares to getting dragged, screaming, from a Muslim wedding as you shout back to a 13-year-old kid: “I’d suck the dick.” Once upon a time, there lived the trolls. And of their clan, there was one whom all revered. Yes, admittedly he didn’t speak much, but when he did, he was the wisest of them all. Oh, don’t you worry. I am just as disappointed in this costume as you are. I wanted to look like one of the trolls from Frozen. I’ve ended up looking like the love child of Shrek and Ron Weasley. What’s happened with the nose? One day they’ll take you seriously. Why do you keep looking down there? Oh, my God. Have I got camel toe? Stop it! Stop looking at my troll toe. Stop objectifying me. It’s the end of the show, which means that there’s only one thing left me to say. Are you fucking joking? Can you not move it to me? Do you know how hard it is to walk in this? Big moment. What’s going on? ♪ There’s a voice in every person ♪ ♪ Who the fuck’s this? ♪ ♪ A simple wish so strong ♪ ♪ To catch the wind To take a breath ♪ ♪ To spin it into song ♪ ♪ I had a line, love. ♪ ♪ There’s a tune in every human ♪ ♪ Beating in their chest ♪ ♪ But I think we all agree ♪ ♪ A princess sings it best ♪ ♪ I’m Gothi the Troll. I have a line. ♪ ♪ Get over it Get over it ♪ ♪ It’s me they want to see ♪ ♪ Get over it Don’t throw a fit ♪ ♪ No troll can upstage me ♪ ♪ I’ll drown them out ♪ I’ll get this. ♪ But that’s OK ♪ ♪ ‘Cause no one cares one bit About trolls anyway ♪ ♪ He wants to go to Hollywood ♪ ♪ And show them he can act ♪ ♪ Because there aren’t enough Posh English boys already doing that ♪ ♪ But he didn’t make the cinema ♪ ♪ So, well, tough luck, that stinks ♪ ♪ But if Robert Pattinson had done it ♪ ♪ He’d be on the screen ♪ ♪ He’s so sexy! ♪ ♪ Get over it Get over it ♪ ♪ It’s me they want to see ♪ ♪ Get over it, you moaning tit ♪ ♪ It’s me they want to be ♪ ♪ You had your little whinge ♪ ♪ Now go away ♪ ♪ ‘Cause no one cares one bit About trolls ♪ ♪ No one cares one bit About trolls ♪ ♪ No one gives a shit about trolls ♪ ♪ Anyway ♪ I trollfully bid you farewell!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

CHRISTINA PAZSITZKY: MOTHER INFERIOR (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/christina-pazsitzky-mother-inferior-transcript/

Christina P is a female comic with a dark sense of humor who refuses to be forced to choose between the classic “madonna/whore” stereotype that many female comedians are shoehorned into. She talks about being a mother and parenthood from the perspective of a true individual, rather than having her femininity being shtick or a burden. She also covers other topics like selfies, lack of bjs post marriage, Midwestern dads, GILFS, her own hardcore Eastern Block parents and an especially hilarious insight into what happens when you tell little boys not to cry. [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Christina P! [cheering, applause] Oh, stop it! Stop it. Sit down, sit down. All right. Stop it. You guys know I can’t handle that much approval. [laughter] Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for coming, Seattle. This is so exciting! [cheering, applause] Oh… a lot has happened since I was here last time. That’s right. I made a person come out of me! Yeah. I don’t know if you guys have, uh, children, but having a newborn, it’s, uh, well, it’s a real miracle, you know? I’d say the real miracle is that I stayed sober for nine months. Am I right, ladies? Ha ha ha ha! Here’s the thing though, having a baby, like, it broke me down emotionally, spiritually, physically. Physically, my body is dog shit. I got tits like Rick Ross. I don’t know. This is a pretty white audience. Jonah Hill. Yeah, Jonah Hill. And it’s so funny because the– the big thing is breast-feeding in public, right? That’s a big scandal. “I don’t wanna see boobs while I’m eating nachos at the restaurant.” “Oh, well, don’t worry about that, sir, because once you have babies, you don’t have boobies no more.” That’s right. ’Cause now I got mom tits. That’s right. Soggy, hanging, mushy, purple nipples! Brown, “covered in skin tags, Morgan Freeman-looking” mom tits! Boobies are for young, beautiful girls– like you. You are– How old are you, Sugar Cans? Twenty-five. Ha ha ha ha! Twenty-five. “What’s gonna happen tomorrow? I don’t even know.” [snorts] “I might go to brunch or, like, Netflix and chill– Whatever. It’s so great. Look at you. See, you’ve got boobies. Everybody stop and look. These are boobs. Crane your neck, lady. Look, yeah. Those are perfect. See, boobies, you want to just snuggle and… and… You know, like a soft-serve ice cream. You wanna mash it in your face! Aaah! But mom tits… Mom tits you wanna throw in the trash. And it’s messed up because, like, none of my, uh, girlfriends told me how hard it was having children. Like, women don’t admit to feeling ambivalent sometimes about raising kids. Instead they use soft language, and they say things like, “Well, hmm… having a child, it’s, uh… [chuckling] Well, it’s challenging.” I’m like, No. No! No. Sticking to a diet is challenging. Doing a yoga pose is challenging. Holding in a fart during a massage… Which I can’t do anymore, by the way. No, I love my son. I do. He was, like, the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the love of my life. His name is Ellis, and he’s 18 months old. And I– I love him so much. And I am– Thank you, yes. Thank you for love. Oh! I love him so much, and I am a fierce mama wolf. And I would slit all of your throats… [screams] …to save my kid’s life. But… But sometimes I might lock myself in the bathroom and clean my ears, and I might just push that Q-tip all the way in. It’s challenging. Nobody tells you that, like, pregnancy, that’s the fun part. Being pregnant was so fun, you know. ’Cause I would get the ultrasounds every week, ’cause I was, like, an old mom, and I would mess with those nurses. They’d have that wand in me, and I’d be like, “Oh, hey, can you see if my high school boyfriend’s class ring is still in there? Can you tell if my son is gay? How ’bout black? I don’t know.” The best part was lying to my husband. Because they don’t know anything about the female body. You can tell them anything, you know. I’d be like, “Oh, Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo, there’s so much I can’t do now that I’m pregnant. Oh, I can’t have wine. I can’t eat sushi. Oh, yeah, I can’t give blow jobs either. No. I read on the Internet they make the baby autistic.” Of course, he’s like, “So?” It’s challenging. It’s kinda crazy when you think about it though, like, philosophically, when you think about how much it takes to make every one of you, every human being. I mean, like, a woman carries you lovingly in her body for nine months. And then [raspberry] births you. And then carries you in her arms for two more years and feeds you and loves you and reads to you and sings to you. And I gotta tell you, most of you, not worth it. A lot of goddamn losers on the planet. Just genetically speaking, millions of Snookis… one Beyoncé. Most of you won’t win a Pulitzer Prize or a Cracker Jack prize. What can you do? But my favorite part of having a baby is they tell you to have a birth plan, right? A fucking birth plan. As if you got anything to do with bringing a child into this world. It’s between God and that baby. Got nothing to do with you. But all these nutbags in LA, they’re like, “Oh, Christina, you gotta have that baby naturally. You gotta do it natural. You gotta give birth naked in a creek. You can bite on branches for the pain. Argh! Well, women have been doing it that way for thousands of years.” Well, yeah, before drugs were invented. They were like, “Christina, what’s your birth plan?” I was like, “Motherfucker, I plan on not feeling shit!” Give me the 1950s birth. Put me out, wake me up three days later with a baby and a martini. Let’s hand that kid off to some nice overweight black lady in a maid costume. Let Maisy raise it. Well, here’s– The black guy’s laughing. It’s fine. Guys, relax, okay? I mean… I can feel your collective anuses tightening. Like, “This is Seattle. We don’t joke like that.” So they told me– They were like, “Christina, you’re gonna have to have a C-section.” So we schedule it. ’Cause they were like, the baby’s head is so big, and you’re so small. Like your… your meow is so petite. So, I was like, “Awesome. I’m gonna have my C-section, yeah.” Okay. So what do you think happened on the day of my planned C-section? Moms? That’s right. I went into labor! And I squeezed a human out of this tiny, little fragile meow. And I had to have an episiotomy. [women] No! Oh, yeah. For those of you who don’t know, they had to cut my taint. [giggles, snorts] The area between my balls and my butt hole. Whoo-hoo-hoo! [laughs, snorts] Wow! Wow! You think childbirth is scary. Uh, not as terrifying as that first post-episiotomy dump. Holy shit, that is a nail-biter, huh? [nervous giggling] Oh, ’cause it’s all Frankenstein loose-meat sandwich down there. Yeah. Do you guys have Arby’s here? You know what I’m talking about? You dip it in the juice and then the… Oh. Nobody tells you that stuff, man. Nobody tells you. And nobody tells you this, okay? It’s not good, but– I don’t mean to scare you guys, but when you have a baby… you kinda hate your husband. I mean not– Just for, like, a lot. You really hate him. Just in the beginning, you know. You’re so full of hormones, and it’s so traumatic, it’s so weird. And, I mean, you could be married to Gandhi, and you would just still just hate him! Like, I remember breast-feeding our son in the middle of the night, just breast-feeding our kid at 4:00 in the morning, rocking, muttering to myself in the dark. “You motherfucker. Well, your career keeps going. I’m stuck here breast-feeding this baby. Well, have fun in New York. That must be nice.” “Can I help you with anything?” “Yes, you can grow a pair of tits. How ’bout that?” But then it passes. It passes. And then you go back to normal, you know. And, actually, I really like my husband. I like him. I love him. I don’t know why people marry people they hate. You can choose who you marry. This isn’t India. Just… I love my husband. I laugh at his jokes. I think he’s fantastic. And then all day, every day, I wanna punch him in his dumb face. And it’s not the big things that make you wanna kill your spouse. It’s little stuff. Little stuff. Like, why does he have to ask me where everything is… all the time… in his own goddamn house? Like I’m Carson, the butler, and we live in Downton Abbey or something. All day on a loop– “Where are the keys? Where’s the dog? Where’s the garage?” When we got married, we were so poor we lived in a studio apartment. A studio apartment. And he had the nerve to ask me where stuff was. “Where’s the spatula?” I’m like, “Motherfucker.” Everything we own… is out. Like, what… How lazy are you? But I don’t nag. Don’t nag. It falls on deaf ears. Do what I do: Use positive reenforcement. Positive. Like Cesar Millan. [Spanish accent] “I use calm assertive energies. I am the pack leader.” So when I see the behavior I’d like to see more of, I encourage it. I’ll see him doing something, I’ll get up behind him, I’ll be like, “Oh, oh, yeah. Mmm, you loading up that dishwasher? Oh, you know clean dishes make me wanna suck stuff.” But don’t say that unless you mean it ’cause… they’ll come looking for payment quick. And then you gotta be like, “No!” Or whatever that stupid… Well, no, ’cause there’s a small window where a woman will do that, you know. And I mean like in the beginning of the relationship, that’s the best for a guy. That’s blow job season. In the beginning, we’re so thrilled to be there, we’ll blow you for anything. You got me tickets to the comedy show? [grunting] Six-piece McNuggets. [grunting] You open the car door for me? [grunting] And then you get married, and it’s like… “Honeymoon blow job? No, we stopped serving that yesterday. Yeah, that ain’t on the menu anymore, my man.” You better get that while the getting’s good. But you gotta do that stuff, you know, you gotta, “Oh, I love it.” Well, you have to, man. I don’t wanna be single. Are you kidding me? No way, not in this era. Uh-uh. No way. ’Cause women, you know, we can’t just get all old and fat like in the good ol’ days, you know? Like, now, now we gotta maintain our fuckability at every era of our lives. It’s exhausting. You know, Kathy Bates is an amazing actress because she kinda has to be. You know, I mean, like, you turn 30, you pump out a kid, and now they call you “MILF.” Blah-blah-blah! Forty, and now I’m a cougar. [snarls] Then you’re a grandma, and you’re like, “Ah, sweet. I’m out of the system.” No, you ain’t. Now, now, they call you a “GILF.” “A grandma I’d like to fuck.” No, not Nana. Not sweet, butterscotch candy-givin’ Nana! No! And here’s the thing that’s wack. There’s nothin’ for dudes, right? They don’t call you guys animal names or acronyms. They don’t call you guys “DILFS.” Well, it’s true, you know, ’cause there’s no such thing as a dad you wanna fuck. Well, no, I know this because I’ve been in the airports in the Midwest, and I have seen the dads. Oh, I’ve seen you dads. “Really, Dad? You think some woman is gonna be like, ‘Oh, yeah. Dad. Oh. I love those faded blue jeans you got on. Mm-mmm! Oh, is that a brown braided belt? How do you keep those white New Balance sneakers so white, Dad? Oh, oh, is that a phone holster? Ring-ring, official dad business. Dad, I love the clever way you kept those glasses on your head with that rope.’” But what always gets me, dads, it’s always in the jeans. Oh, it’s always in those jeans. ’Cause they’re always so high… and so tight. They’re so high and tight. [cheering] Yeah! You can almost see the outline… of Dad’s vagina. Right next to that expired Subway punch card in Dad’s wallet. Oh, my God. Who am I? Who are we? Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe I’m a parent. I can’t believe I have to raise a human in this world. The world is so messed up. And– And I feel bad for this generation. I really feel bad for millennials, for you guys, like… yeah. Well, ’cause everybody hates you so much. See? They hate you. [laughs] “Yeah, kill her. Yeah.” I know, it’s so messed up, and I think the reason that people don’t like you that are my age is because you guys like yourselves so much. You guys have self-esteem. And my generation, we did not. Like, we hated ourselves. Like, our song was “Loser,” by Beck. Right. But it’s not your fault, man. What happened was the Gen Xers– I’m a Gen Xer, I guess, on the tail end of it, whatever– we overcompensated for our crummy childhoods, and we oversteered the ship, man. And now there’s helicopter parenting and attachment parenting and homeschooling and unschooling and paleo diet and vegan diet. Nobody can get their feelings hurt. Safety obsession. In my neighborhood, a child can’t even walk to the park by themselves unless they wear a sign that says “free-range kid.” Yeah, we’re all freaked out about stuff that we decided on long ago. Things like vaccines. There are people who are not vaccinating their children. Yeah. And you know why? It kind of happened, in part, because of Jenny McCarthy. -You know who Jenny McCarthy is, yeah. -[audience murmuring, booing] Former Playboy playmate, uh, author of nine books. Nine books. The Ernest Hemingway of cum Dumpsters, yeah. So… Uh, which is fine, but Jenny– What happened was Jenny– Jenny read a study, or somebody read it to her, and… the study linked autism to vaccines. It was later totally disproven, okay? But, in the meantime, this dum-dum went on all the women’s talk shows… and told women not to vaccinate their children. And now you have women in LA saying things like, “Well… I don’t have to vaccinate my kid ’cause there’s no such thing as whooping cough or polio.” Well, yeah, because of the vaccine, you dumb cunt. [cheering, applause] Yeah. That’s kind of how it works. Everyone gets the shot, and then we’re all immune to the disease, but it only works if we all participate. Like a potluck or a circle jerk. And why are we taking advice from the lady who married the wrong Wahlberg? I was reading about the greatest generation. So these are Americans born during the Depression era, so they grow up all poor and shitty. And then… And then, lucky them, they got to go fight World War II. But here’s the thing. They came back from the war, and they built this country into the powerhouse economy that it was at the time. Discipline, hardship, fortitude. Now, I’m not saying that this generation… hasn’t had its share of hardships. I mean, who can forget… the great gluten intolerance? Or the peanut allergies that ravage the nation’s kindergartens? Or the horrors… of dial-up Internet? I can’t say it. But you guys have renamed collard greens “kale.” That was pretty awesome. That was good, right? Whatever. You know what? The greatest generation, they played Call of Duty too. Except for real in foxholes… in France. There’s no rebellion in you guys. There’s no rebellion. You guys are supposed to hate your parents’ music, not remix it, right? You know that. It ain’t your fault. We sucked it right out of you. We sucked the rebellion right out of you. And we did it by making you offended at everything. It’s a full-time job being offended. “I’m offended.” Do you know that people are offended by things Justin Bieber tweets? Who I love. I love Justin Bieber. He is so pretty. He is growing into a lovely Hilary Swank. I adore him. But he’s not offensive. Come on, man, come on. I mean, I grew up in an era with a bad bitch named Madonna. Yes, now, Madonna, in the “Like a Prayer” video, was burning crosses… and French-kissing black Jesus. Whoa! Now, that’s offensive. Especially because we all know Jesus is white, right? Up tall, my man. Yeah. Racist, racist. Wow. Did you see that? Wow. “Make America Great Again.” I heard you, sir. Offended. It’s so stupid. I grew up in such an offensive household. My parents divorced, and then my mother remarried to an Indian guy. Like a fuckin’… [imitates sitar] Like… Indian guy, man. Like diarrhea, not cowboy. Indian. Temple of Doom, not Dances with Wolves. 7-Eleven, not 911. There it is. There it is. I call that guy the “Turbanator” every day. There were no tears. Whatever. Remember… Remember a time… Remember a time when you just had a racist dad? Even if you weren’t white, your dad just hated every other race. And he said crazy stuff all the time. Like, “The Chinese are eating all the cookies. Women can’t read.” I didn’t internalize that stuff. You know how much sexist crap I heard growing up? You think I let them define me? No way. Yeah, man, don’t let the outside world tell you who you are. Instead I just went, “Oh, yeah, my dad’s an asshole.” And I moved on with my life. Don’t let them tell you. And stop it. Stop trying to make old white guys politically correct. It ain’t gonna happen. It ain’t gonna happen. And it’s not their fault, you know. ’Cause they were raised like serial killers. It’s true. Guys your dad’s age, they were told as little boys not to cry. Could you imagine that? Telling a little boy, like, “Ah, suck it up, sissy! Quit your crying, homo!” You know what happens, by the way, when you tell little boys not to cry? They grow up to become men who grab women by their pussies. That’s right. I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’m gonna raise a boy in today’s world. I mean I can’t, um– I can’t dress him up in blue. Well, because he hasn’t chosen his gender identity yet. It’s child abuse. I have to call him “toddler self” or “baby self.” Have you heard about this stuff called “non-binary”? [giggles] Okay. This is mind-blowing to me. I don’t know. Uh, so there’s this thing– It’s not the same as sexual orientation. It’s not like being gay or straight or bisexual. It’s your gender expression, right? So, in the morning, you could be like, “Hey, I’m a woman.” And then by lunch, be like, “I’m kind of a dude.” You can be astral-gendered. Yes, color-gendered. You can be animal-gendered. You can ask that people call you different pronouns, like “zim, zer, or zey.” Imagine explaining non-binary to your dad. My dad was like, “Oh, yeah. [Hungarian accent] We used to call them faggots.” Well, you can’t explain that stuff to old people. Okay? My dad still doesn’t get the difference between the TV and cable remotes. It’s been 15 years! But that whole non-binary “zim-zer”… That stuff’s always been around. That’s not new, by the way. That ain’t new. But… But the zim-zers have always been spectacular. They’ve always been exceptional. You know what I mean? They’ve always been, like, David Bowie. Not Keegan who runs the juice bar at Whole Foods. But whatever. I don’t discriminate based on gender or sexual orientation or race or weight. None of that, man. I don’t judge based on that. I judge based on grammar. [hooting, applause] Yeah. Oh, yeah. If I have to hear one more person say, “Me and Tom are going to the beach,” or “Me and Stacy are going to dinner.” It’s never “me and so-and-so,” fucktard. -You sound… [man] Yes! You sound like Cookie Monster when you say that. “Oh, me lost me cookie at the disco. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!” Yeah, me is gonna have an aneurysm if I have to hear that one more time. And you don’t go and check out books from the “liberry.” You don’t go to Starbucks and order an “expresso.” It’s not “irregardless.” J.Lo’s ass is not “volumptuous.” And you don’t lack the “stanima.” [applauding] Yeah. But my personal favorite is when people are like, “You know what, Christina? That’s just a blessing in the skies.” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah? Way up there, huh?” [sighs] And then Caitlyn Jenner happened. Oh, are we sufficiently sick and tired of Caitlyn Jenner? [snorts] Yeah, I’m over it. Over it. -[applauding] And I’m not ragging on Caitlyn because she’s transgendered or a member of the LGBT-QRSTUV, sometimes-Y community. How many letters are we gonna add to that? It’s like solving the final puzzle on Wheel of Fortune . “Call me Caitlyn. Call me Caitlyn, damn it.” All right. Shit. We’ve been calling you Bruce for 70 years. Give us a minute! We’ll catch up to you. “Caitlyn.” Caitlyn’s not, like, a hot girl name. You know, you’d think that you’d wait 70 years to be a woman, you’d choose kind of a– kind of a sexy name. You’d think one of her girlfriends would have been like, “Look, bitch. Uh-uh. Caitlyn– Caitlyn ain’t a hot name. Caitlyn does your taxes. But Krystal? She’s a whore. Like, Caitlyn will go down on you. But Krystal? She’ll eat your ass.” Yeah. I mean, the honest-to-God truth is, why I’m annoyed with Caitlyn Jenner, is ’cause that whole thing happened and it was like the sky opened and comedy manna just fell. And all the comedians were like, “Yes! Ch-Ching! Here it is, guys! Bruce is Caitlyn. Let’s go.” But we weren’t allowed to make fun of her. Nobody was allowed to make fun of Caitlyn Jenner because Caitlyn Jenner’s a hero! Caitlyn Jenner’s a hero! All right, all right, Caitlyn Jenner’s a hero. But let’s not forget the other hero, which is Photoshop. Am I right? Okay? A little– It’s still a little ratchet, you know. “Uh, Christina, that’s trans-phobic.” Well, she wants to be a woman, it’s time to get criticized like one. [cheering, applause] Oh! Welcome to the sisterhood, bitch! And fuck you for joining after menopause. She can handle it. Caitlyn’s a big girl. She can handle the jokes. She’s a member of the most famous family in the world. And the TV show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Oh, my God, I’m over it, man. I love the title. It’s very misleading, first of all. Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Keeping up with them? Like, whoa, what are these women doing? Are we digging wells in Uganda? Are we feeding Romanian orphans? Nope. Just waxing our pussies. It’s our fault. Women. We’re watching this crap. And then there’s spin-off shows. There’s Kourtney and Kim Take New York and Kourtney and Kim Take Miami . How about Kourtney and Kim Take Algebra? I’d watch every episode of that show. “Oh, my God. Math is hard. Can’t I just blow someone to do it for me?” Well, you’re in luck, Kim. The Miami Heat’s in town. Oh, right. Like those guys can do math. Come on. Kourtney and Kim. What the fuck? If those two girls weren’t rich, it would be Kourtney and Kim Take Your Order. I mean, I don’t know. They’re okay. I mean, they’re pretty. That’s awesome. I just feel like I don’t– I don’t, uh, like the narcissism. They’re just too narcissistic. This whole thing– What is that where you take the same picture of yourself over and over? -What is that called? -[man] Selfie. Mental illness. Thank you. Yeah. [laughing] “Love me, Daddy? How ’bout now?” “Maybe if I get enough ‘likes’ it’ll fill the void in my heart.” [whines] I don’t know. I grew up in a crazy– We grew up in a crazy, resilient time. You know that our generation is considered the least-parented generation? That’s true. Look that shit up on Wikipedia. It’s there. The least-parented. And we dealt with crazy stuff, man. Like, uh, crack cocaine. And AIDS. And Friends. I remember when AIDS first came out, you didn’t know how you could get it. Nobody knew how you could get AIDS, and people would say crazy stuff like, “You can catch AIDS from a toilet seat at a musical.” -We had no idea. -[mild laughter] I like that joke so much more than you do. [laughter] I’m never gonna stop telling it. Never. It’s for me. Just for me. Yeah, we were the least-parented generation. We were latchkey kids. You know what that is, Millennial? “Is that a band?” No, it’s not a band. Okay, so a latchkey kid– Here’s what it was. You had a key to your own house and you would go to junior high school or whatever and school would let out, and then rather than arrange for proper child care… you would let yourself into your own home. And then… I don’t know. You could be alive by the time your mom got home. And we ate terrible food, food you could only cook in a microwave ’cause you couldn’t use the stove until your mom got home. Yeah, I grew up on a steady white trash diet of tater tots, frozen pizza with that fake cheese– it wasn’t even cheese, it was rubber– and Chef Boyardee in the can. Oh, it was so good, with the fake meatballs. And then you’d eat it and have, like, an electric orange ring… around your mouth. People are like, “Are you wearing lipstick?” “No, just the glow of a healthy diet.” [laughs] But to this day, my death row meal is macaroni and cheese. [audience] Whoo! Dude, that is my jam! I love that shit! Now, my husband grew up with two parents who never threw plates of food at each other. [mock blabbering] Mm-hmm. So he didn’t know how to make macaroni and cheese. Right. So I was like, “You’d better get your entire life… I’m gonna show you how to do this.” So I was showing him how to make macaroni and cheese and explaining to him how it’s never cheesy enough. There’s never enough goddamn orange powder. It’s never cheesy enough! He goes, “Why don’t you open up a second box… take the flavor packet out of that one… and put that on the first.” I was like, “Motherfucker, we’re not millionaires! Oh, okay, Rockefeller, yes. Oh, I bet you pay for Pandora too, huh?” Uh-uh. We had things called PSA’s– public service announcements. These taught you how to raise yourself. There were commercials on television that taught kids how to not get set on fire. And little Emmanuel Lewis would come out– little Webster– “Hey, kids, we know you love to play with matches. Nobody’s gonna tell you to stop. But if you get set on fire– I don’t know, stop, drop and roll or some shit. That’s your problem. And that’s one to grow on. Except for me. I’m a forever puppy.” And then there was, um– there was a dog who wore a detective’s costume. McGruff! Ironically, the detective’s costume also looked like a pedophile’s… outfit. And he had that terrifying East Coast accent. And he’d be, like, “Hey, kids! You see a guy who’s got a van in an alley who says he’s got somethin’ to show you, don’t look! That guy’s gonna fuck you! Now, take a bite out of my cock– I mean, crime! Crime! Crime.” It’s interesting, ’cause once you have kids you start to look at how you were raised, you know. And my therapist is always saying things like, “Well, Christina, you know, your parents, they did the best they could.” Not really. Nope. [laughs] I mean, I have empathy for them because they were immigrants. My parents had a hard-knocks life. They escaped from Hungary during Communism and– For those of you who might not remember, Communism… is when Rocky fought Ivan Drago. So my parents escaped from a country full of murder and poverty and corruption and they moved to Detroit. Yeah, kind of a lateral move. But, uh– My mom is gone now. But she was– she was really crazy. And, like, not– Mmm. Not the way every comedian comes up here and is like, “Oh, my mom’s so crazy. One time she mixed ranch dressing with Thousand Island dressing.” No, my mom was legit cray-cray. Like tinfoil on the windows to block out alien frequencies. Wouldn’t use the telephone or send e-mails because they’re listening! Turns out they are, but that’s… another story. Ah! Mom’s always right. [chuckles] I still have my dad, and my dad is, like, a hard-core Eastern Bloc dude, you know. He was a forklift mechanic his whole life. He eats sausage three meals a day. Hates feelings, loves Speedos. That’s my dad. And my father had a real love for our family dog. And as dogs do, this one died. And he was reminiscing with me the other day about our family dog. He goes, “Ah, Christika, ah, fuck, I loved this dog. I mean, I come home from work, he’s happy to see me. I go take a piss in the other room, he’s following me. I have so much love for this dog. I have a– What’s the word? Unconditional love. I don’t feel this way for anybody else.” Yeah. Our son was learning how to walk. It was, like, the most awesome moment in a parent’s life. Right? “Oh, my God, my baby’s walking.” And my dad’s there and we’re encouraging him. We’re like, “Come on, baby, you can do it! Come on, Ellis, you can do it! Good job, good job, good job!” My dad goes, “Ah, shit. Come on, come on, come on, come on. All this ‘good job, good job, good job.’ How about at, like, the end of the day, one ‘good job’?” ’Cause we’re raising a Russian gymnast. You know, you gotta… My therapist says I’m being too negative, so I wanna close this special on something positive. Let’s talk about death. -Yay! Okay, good. Yeah! [applause] Oh, how fun! I hate it when old celebrities die. Not when it’s the young ones. When it’s the young ones I get excited. “Oh, is Macaulay Culkin finally gone?” Any day now it’s gonna happen. Put him on your death pool. I just hate it because in LA when an old celebrity dies, they cover it on the news 24-7. I remember when Nancy Reagan died. It was like, “Oh! Oh! Nancy Reagan dead at 94! The tragic and untimely death… of Nancy Reagan.” And you’re like, what? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen this year for Nance? Did you think she was gonna join CrossFit and learn Mandarin? Ninety-four! You shouldn’t live that long. Did you know, in the medieval period you died at 35? Thirty-five, lights out. And you died of crazy stuff. Like, a dragon would come out of the sky! [hisses] Breathe fire on you! Orcs with their machetes would just– [snarls] Slice you right in half, man. Ninety-four? What are you gonna do with that much life? And I’m not, like, suicidal or anything like that. Like, I love life. I am a goddess. I made life. But there’s only so much shit you can do on the planet. You know what I mean? Like, you’re born, hopefully, in a first-world country, right? If you’re lucky, you get two parents. Maybe one of them is remotely normal. You go to junior high school. You learn to smoke some cigarettes. You turn goth. You get finger-blasted by some nice guy behind the racquetball courts. In the summer of 1991 you go to Lollapalooza and drop two hits of acid instead of one, freak out and lose your mind during Jane’s Addiction’s “Ocean Size.” You have to leave, and you forever regret that because they broke up shortly after and you never got to see them perform. You go to college. You study philosophy. You graduate, only to find that they aren’t hiring at the philosophy company. You get a job, or 22 of them in the course of four years, that you either quit or get fired from until you find something you really enjoy doing, and you stick to it and you grind it out, week after week, in seafood restaurants, hibachi grills and dive bars and comedy clubs until finally, finally, after 14 fuckin’ years, they give you your own goddamn comedy special in Seattle! [audience cheering] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah. You get married, you pump out some kids, you get a mortgage. You come to the comedy show. You make the mistake of sitting in the front row. You go home. You screw. You take a shit. And then you die. And that’s it. Unless you’re Buddhist. Then rinse and repeat. And that’s life! And that’s life. And it’s beautiful because it’s finite. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end. But some people don’t want to leave this planet. Mm-mmm. Some people get greedy with life. Greedy motherfuckers. People like Dick Clark. Oh, you remember Dick Clark, right? Hosted American Bandstand and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve . And he was really good. He was on TV from the time television was invented. Quite literally. Literally. And he was really good at his job. Until one day… Dickie had a stroke. And I mean like a… [groaning] A stroke. It was bad. So bad. Like… You ever see, like, a 15-year-old Chihuahua? Like, a really old one? Blind in one eye, patchy fur, that gnaws on itself. [snarling] But with an ironic name like Sunshine or Hope. That was Dick Clark. I know, and you’d think that somebody who worked in television, where this is really important, might step down from the gig. Not old Dickie. This narcissistic douche bag… refused to stop hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve … because he was convinced he was the only person in show biz who could count backwards from ten to one. Now, I wasn’t there for the last time he hosted New Year’s Rockin’ Eve , but, I mean, I’d like to act it out for you, if I… [audience cheering, applauding] [laughing] Well, I guess I have to. Okay! Here we go. [clears throat] Dick Clark hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve for the last time. Here it is. Hey, we’re comin’ at you live from Times Square. We got Dick Clark down on the ground. Hey, Dick, tell us, how do all those hot guys and gals look tonight? I can see their pussies! [laughs] Ah, Dick, we never know what you’re gonna say. Hey, why don’t you go ahead and just do the countdown, Dick? Just go ahead and count us down. Ten… four… Salmon is delicious Aw, geez, these Puerto Ricans basically fuck in the street, don’t they? Well, that’s it for us. I’d really watch that show if he did that. I think my therapist is right. I’m being too negative. That’s why I’m gonna get positive on death. Here is my proposal to you, Seattle. You give me the last two weeks of your life and we go on… your last cruise. Hear me out. I get us a nice ship. A nice one. Not that Carnival Walmart-at-sea shit. Like a… Like one of those Italian ones, you know? You come on my boat, I give you a bag of black tar heroin… and a bunch of filthy needles. ’Cause who gives a shit, right? [laughs, snorts] And we do all the drugs you’ve ever wanted to do. It’s LSD, GHB, DMT. We call Cosby, get some quaaludes. Crystal meth. Cocaine. We get so high that we grind our teeth down to nubbins. [yapping] We have the cosmic realization that there’s only one of us here. We’re all spokes on the same wheel of human existence. There is no man, there is no woman, there is no black, there is no white, there is no non-binary– [whispers] There is no non-binary. We’re all manifestations of one glorious, loving being. Love is the only thing that matters. Love is the only thing that is real. Control is an illusion. The only thing you can control are the thoughts in your head, and as Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. And as Bill and Ted said, be excellent to each other. [cheering, applause] Yes, thank you. Thank you. [clears throat] And after that the buffet, because we haven’t eaten in, like, four days. And it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. It’s, uh, macaroni and cheese with plenty of orange. Chef Boyardee. As many cans as you like. There’s a chocolate fountain that guys can stick their wieners in. “Whoo! Look at me!” So we’ve done the drugs, we’ve done the eating. And now comes the sex. Oh, the sex. And it is Sodom and Gomorrah. Everybody runs a train on the millennial. Oh, there’s so much fucking and sucking and 69, or whatever that is. And there’s so much cum. There’s so much. And just when you think there can’t be more cum… Katy Perry comes on board. And she blows all the guys. But none of the wives or girlfriends get mad because Ryan Gosling, he comes on board. And he listens to all of us. Glorious. Glorious. Okay, so, you know, that’s it. It’s the end of the two weeks and we’ve done all the partying we can handle. That’s it. It’s the end of the road. And that’s when I bring out the catapult. Oh, Seattle sees where this is going. Some cities don’t. I bring out the catapult, I put you in it and– Psssshhh! I shoot you off into the ocean and you get eaten by a megalodon shark. Guys, those are real. The shark eats you, digests you. [imitates fart] You know, craps you out. And then your soul goes to heaven. Because in my world, we all go to heaven. That’s right. And you get to meet God. And holy shit. It’s Dick Clark! “These Puerto Ricans are fuckin’ everywhere up here!” Thank you guys so much! [cheering, applauding] What a wonderful night! Thank you so much for being here!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies (2009) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-howard-live-dingledodies-2009-full-transcript/

[# Kasabian: Club Foot] [Cheering] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome to the stage… Russell Howard! [Cheering] Hello! Well! Well, well, well! That was a fairly nice welcome. Thank you very much! I love it here. I love Brighton, it’s fantastic. What l love is how people go, ”Fuckin’ watch out! It’s full of poofs.” ”And?” ”They’ll get you!” – ”They’ll get me?” – [Laughter] ”They’re gays, not ninjas. – ”They’re not gonna…” – [Laughter] ”..leap out of the window, bum me and escape on a death slide, l’ll be all right.” – It’s not like that! – [Laughter] You don’t drive into Brighton and have gay men banging their wangs against your car. Stop it, you beasts! [Honks] Stop it! # I am what I am! Cock-waggling bastards! [Laughter] There’s just a few of them and they’re very nice. I like it here. You had a good day? How’s Brighton? ls it fun? What’s the best thing about Brighton? – [Man] Leaving! – Leaving? [Laughter] Well, it’s gonna be a lovely gig when the crowd are funnier than I am! ”I’ll deal with this everybody. Leavin’. Have that. ”I’m Terry. I don’t fuck around with my heckles. I just get the job done!” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – I’m a sales manager. Oh, you’re up there? What do you sell? How aggressive. ”Whatever they fuckin’ want. That’s what I sell. ”Oi! Old lady!” ”Yes?” ”You’re gonna buy an iPhone, all right?” ”Yes.” ”You’re gonna buy five of them.” ”OK.” She’s quite a crippled old lady. You son of a bitch! – What do you sell? – Mercedes. Mercedes? – Do you fuck! Look at you! – [Laughter] ”Mercedes!” That’s just the name of one of your prostitutes. ”Mercedes, Debonair…” The Brighton pimp. ”She’s Mercedes. ”She’ll wank you off and give you a Ferrero Rocher and pop it up your arse.” – [Laughter] – Bit much that, bit much. You all looked so… ”Ah! No, I don’t think so. ”We don’t put Ferrero Rochers up people…” Has anyone ever had that? As if you’d admit to it on a DVD. ”I’m doing it now! Oh!” I’ve often thought, sexually, it’d be quite nice, you know when water’s in your ear… I’ll start the gig in a minute by the way. You know when water leaves your ear? It’s one of those rare moments in life you don’t give a shit you’re like… Ah! Oh! Imagine having sex whilst water was leaving your ear. How good would that feel? Ah! Ah! You’d have to tell your partner. That would really freak him out if you start… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Here come the latecomers. – Just one man on his own. – [Booing] And look at the way you’re holding your hands like that, just… You’ve got T-shirts on that say ”I love Russell”, girls. That’s… Yep, OK, it’s quite nice. [Laughter] A little bit weird at the same time. And, lucky, you’re sat next to the nutters! There you go! ”We’ve done drawings of him and we’ve made little Russells out of pineapple.” Why were you late? Please don’t make it anything bad. What happened? – Why were you late? – I’m just late. – ”Nothing, I’m just late. Deal with it.” – [Laughter] ”You’re not my real dad. Grow up. ”I had to mow my plentiful lawn. Fuck you, Howard, and all you stand for.” Just edging, before… Rrrrr! ”I’ll be there when I’m there, OK?” What do you do? I like you. I like your confidence. ”l was just late, Russ.” What were you doing? What made you late? – Drinking. – Lovely stuff! Excellent! ”Bollocks! I’ve gotta go see that dick, haven’t l?” ”Yeah, yeah, l’ll go, I’ll go.” ”Just one more.” ”All right, one more. What’s the worst that can happen? ”Oh! I’m on a DVD. ”Shit.” [Applause] Don’t matter. Pleasure to have you here, man. I’ve forgotten what I was talking about. That’s a bit awkward. Look at you! Lovely! You did that! What do you do, mate, when not bellowing like a town crier? ”Hear, hear! Over there you’ll find Mercedes, good girl, good girl.” [Laughter] – What do you do, mate? – Bus driver. Are you really? Hence why you did that. ”Everybody off!” Everyone off quite camply, apparently. [Breathily] ”Thanks, bus driver.” What’s your favourite stop? You don’t have one, you treat every one with respect. That’s fine. Have you ever… [Quietly] Hey, let’s be honest. Have you ever just braked a little bit hard when you’ve seen an old lady in the middle? ”That was a fairly rubbish day. I’m approaching a roundabout.” So lovely, innit? Just the entire bus full of stamps and Werther’s Originals. Just Horlicks in your face. Bfff! Has to be an old lady, weirdly, doesn’t it? Look at you! ”Yes, it does, actually. Yeah, that’s er… ”That’s bus driving standard. If an old woman sits there, it is on.” Yes, lovely. Well, this is gonna be clearly quite a good gig. Well done, you, for being interesting. Anything else before l start the show? – [Woman] Whoo! – Just one… Oh! That was lovely! One whoo and one woman, ”No!” [Laughter] ”I’ve come here for material. l haven’t come here to listen about bus natter, OK?” I like bus… I like trains. I like watching ladies on trains, which sounds pervier than l wanted it… I don’t cover myseIf in coats and wait for them. Ladies! Not like that. I like watchin’ ’em fall asleep. ls there a lovelier thing in the world? [Groans] Especially when they get the wobbly head. And when you get snippets of dream, is there a lovelier thing than that? [Yells] ”Helicopter!” ”Willy Wonka, never again! Who?” ”Poundland!” I was watching this the other day, it was so lovely, I was on this train… I don’t know why… ”Train!” There were four women and they looked after one who was getting the wobbly head. ”Cover her up, she’s dribbling a bit. ”Come on, sisters, let’s get together and look after her. Our fallen princess.” I’m sat there going, ”You do not get that treatment if you’re a man, do you?” ”I’m definitely going, lads. Look after me if I pass out.” ”Yeah. On your way, dickhead, on your way. ”Right, he’s out cold. Gentlemen, let’s go to work. ”Shave his eyebrows, put his hand down his trousers, ”give me his phone, text his mum, ‘I am gay’, send… ”I do believe this is our stop. Everybody off quietly. ”Wait for the train to pull out, knock on the window. Yah!” That’s what happens if you’re a man and I speak as a man who’s arrived at Paddington Station with the word ”paedo” on his face. [Laughter] I did. Spelt with two Es. That’s what really annoyed me! ”You spelt it wrong!” ”You’d know!” ”That doesn’t mean anything!” ”I can spell the word ‘goose’, I’m not out laying an egg!” Walking around London like a Chuckle Brother, that’s not good! That’s one of the world’s mysteries. How did the Chuckle Brothers become children’s entertainers? You wouldn’t let ’em near your children, would you? Especially that gimpy one… ”Hello!” Looks like he spends his entire life sniffing trampolines. [Laughter, groaning] ”To me, to you!” ”Get the fuck out of my garden!” [Laughter] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Walking around with ”paedo” on your face. I would get bullied all the time. I used to get bullied when I was little. Really badly, cos l had a lazy eye and I’ve had an operation but it’s still bad if I look at the camera. I used to get picked on… ”Look at him. ”He’s obsessed with his nose!” [Laughter] ”Who said that? Which one of you said that?” And I went to my dad for advice. I used to cry a lot, – I looked like a Picasso in the rain, and… – [Laughter] ”Dad, l need advice.” ”Over here, son.” ”Well, stop moving then.” He did that thing, has anyone ever been offered advice from your dad… It’s never like, ”Brick in their face, this’ll deal with it.” It’s always like, ”Well, son, if you say this to the bullies they’ll bully you no more. Hmm! Hmm!” Never works. I cringe every time I think about this. Me, aged ten, stood in front of these bullies going, ”Bullies, how can my eye be lazy… ”when it wanders around so freely?” [Laughter] ”I think you’ll find I’ve got an imaginative eye. Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! ”As you were. You’ve been dealt with linguistically. Boo yeah!” They kicked the shit out of me that day. ”Get him! Imaginative eye!” I really wish I could travel back in time. ”Don’t worry, little man. In the future this is going to be mildly amusing.” ”Who are you!?” ”I’m you from the future!” ”Well, make ’em stop then!” ”Sorry, I need new material for my DVD.” ”If one of you could dress up as a clown and rape him, ”that would really finish this bit.” [Laughter] I’m not a time travelling rapist, l’ll be honest. Although, I… Not although! [Laughter] But I was on about time travel the other day, this lady in Manchester… I’ll ask you the same question. Where would you travel if you could travel back in time? Where would you go? – Fair enough. – [Laughter] No? No answers? [Overlapping calls] – Did somebody say Jupiter? – [Laughter] You can still go to Jupiter. It’s not time-specific, it’s distance-specific. Who the fuck is your science teacher? No, this lady in Manchester, it was brilliant. I said, ”If you could travel back anywhere, where would you travel?” and this woman went, ”Jesus’ time”. Now, there was a lady who doesn’t fuck around with numbers. But it made me think, when we think about Jesus, I bet you Jesus, if you met him, he was a right player. Can you imagine? In a crowd of this size. ”Oh no! Shit! We got no food, have we? ”Just got this fish and bread! ”What we gonna do? What’s Jesus gonna do? ”He’s gonna do this.” Whoomph! Fish and bread everywhere. He’s like that, ”Fuckin’ line up the prostitutes. ”Bam! Bam! Bam! ”Keep that out the book, it’s Jesus time.” – [Laughter, applause] – I’ll bet he was a right hound. Applauding the mere idea of Jesus doing that. Bsh! Bsh! I bet he was! Constantly! ”D’you see that? Bit o’ magic. There you go. D’you know who my dad is?” I doubt he did that, let’s be honest. Nobody’s ever done that! ”D’you know who my dad is?” Nobody’s ever said that. Unless it’s a particularly X-rated version of Oliver Twist. ”I just don’t know who he is. ”Water in my ear!” [Groans] That bloke’s off. Oh no! I feel really bad now… [Woman] It’s just two pints! – It’s just two what, love? – Two pints. It’s two pints? l’ll be honest, I don’t understand the heckle. It’s lovely. Are you implying that two pints of lager is on or they’ve had two pints and they now need a wee? They need two pints? Right. What’s goin’ on now? I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Feels like I’m being mocked by a pub landlady, it’s a lovely feeling. ”Two pints.” ”I don’t know what you’re on about.” ”Have a go on them, seriously, have a go on them. Do you want a beer or not?” ”I’d quite like a beer.” ”Touch ’em. Touch ’em.” ”Get out me pub.” [Gasps] I met Jonathan Ross recently. I was in a toilet backstage, he bursts in and goes, ”You’re thingamajig, aren’t you?” And I panicked and went, ”I can be whoever you want me to be.” Oh! I said that out loud. [Applause] We’re the same. I drift into situations, I’m an awkward fucker. I went to the Darwin exhibition recently at the National History Museum. – Has anyone been? – Yeah! There was some whooping over there! How lovely. What was your favourite bit about it? [Girl] Er… All of it. OK, fine. Fair enough. ”Brain?” ”Er… All of it.” I liked his handwriting, Charles Darwin’s handwriting, it’s properly squiggly-wiggly. Obviously that wasn’t how they said it. [Posh accent] ”You’ll find the handwriting is particularly squiggly-wiggly. ”And, oh, look! A butty-wutty-fly!” [Laughter] But I was obsessed by his handwriting and I was gonna take a pho… [Laughter] What sort of fuckin’ run is that? [WoIf-whistle] – Like a fuckin’ hobgoblin! What was that? – [Laughter] What happened to you in the toilets? ”Two pints!” What? That’s without doubt the best run I’ve ever seen back into a gig. ”Oh dear. ”Well, I’ve started running like this. ”If I get as low as possible I am invisible.” Aw! You were the kid at school who used to hide behind the lamppost. ”Good luck findin’ me.” [Laughter] You weren’t allowed a real instrument at school, were you? # Kumbaya, my lord! # Bangin’ your head. It’s fine, everyone’s welcome. Are you all right now? Are you settled? Thumbs up. What happened? Was there a… Don’t say ”two pints” again. Please don’t say this. I haven’t even started the fucking gig yet! – Go on. – [Man] You met Jonathan Ross! I met Jonathan Ross? I know I met Jonathan Ross! Look at people trying to help me! How lovely is that? ”Russell! You met Jonathan Ross! ”Christ! He’s off-piste! He’s off-piste!” [Laughter] ”Somebody make him some soup!” How lovely are you? Normally, ”Fuck off!” ”Russell! You were edging your way back towards the Darwin museum! ”Stay on target! For the love of the maker, stay on target!” I was in the Darwin museum and l had an incident with a nine-year-old girl. – That’s what I wanted to tell you, because… – [Laughter] Wait! I was taking this photo because his handwriting obsessed me, because with Charles Darwin you assume a neatness of the mind, don’t you? But his handwriting was all over the shop. l thought, ”Havin’ a go on that.” It said ”No photos”, l thought, I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna take one, show it to my mates. They’ll love that. ””Ere you are. Look at his handwriting. Innit all over the shop?” – ”Er, yeah. Er…” – [Laughter] ”Be honest, Russ, we’d rather look at lesbian porn but this is absolutely fine.” They’re obsessed with it, my mates, just makes me laugh. Honestly, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two ladies on the end of a double dildo but for me it’s one of the funniest things imaginable, isn’t it? It looks like they’re on a see-saw, it’s as simple as that. ”This is lovely, this!” You can’t help but imagine a third sexual partner just out of camera shot on one of those weird rides you used to get… [Laughter] But then I have an odd sense of humour. I’ll give you an example. I found myself laughing, full-on laughing, at my genitals in the bath, right? I was… Has any man ever done that? I was there glaring at my knackers… Glaring’s the wrong word, it wasn’t a showdown! – But… – [Laughter] l was looking at them, giggling like an idiot, cos it struck me for the first time that my balls looked a little bit like bearded survivors from some form of shipwreck. I’m not proud of this. It made me laugh, which made my nuts jump up and down and then l started giving them voices, I don’t know why. ”We’ve drifted for so long!” ”I miss my wife!” Giggling like an idiot, and then I had this feeling of fear come over me which was, ”Have I locked the door?” Can you imagine that? If your mum caught you engaged in some form of scrotal pantomime? ”How long have you been there?” ”Long enough, Russ. ”Long enough to see my oldest son sing Celine Dion at his penis.” I’m awkward, l always will be. So l was at the Darwin exhibition, taking a photo. From nowhere, this girl comes up to me. She’s nine. ”What are you doing?” l forgot how to talk. Has anyone ever had that? l should have gone, ”Just back off. I’m taking a photo. ”Deal with it. I’m 29 years old.” But l didn’t, I went… [Groans] Have you ever got like that? Sometimes you get it in a lift. Someone says, ”What floor?” and you’re like… [Groans] ”Shit! I’ve forgotten how to talk.” So you overcompensate. ”Five!” Now they think you’re fuckin’ backward. ”Five!” And the temptation is always to act up in a lift, innit? [Groans] ”You smell like my fourth victim! ”Number six, please!” Took a photo, showed it to her. ”Delete it.” ”I don’t wanna delete it.” ”I’m telling the man.” ”Don’t tell the man.” So, in the middle of the Darwin exhibition, I had to scamper back, show her, show her that I’d deleted it, in the Darwin exhibition, I went, ”I’ve deleted it.” She walks off. Now what l should have done was punched her in the face, taken a photo of it and gone, ”Survival of the fittest.” But… [Laughter] My brain gave me that information three days later. ”Russell, it’s your brain here. Just like to point out how you can out-weird that child.” ”I’m in Tesco now!” I was offered a bag for life in Tesco the other day. – I can’t commit to that. – [Laughter] I don’t know what bags are gonna be like in the future. I’ll feel like a dick if I’ve got a plastic one in 2024. ”My bag packs itself and speaks Spanish.” ”Piece of shit! What can you do?” ”l can suffocate a child.” ”That’s all you’re good for.” [Laughter] I’m always doing it. Sometimes you do things, you got no idea why you’re doing it. For example, you get a cold can of Diet Coke. It’s not enough for you to go, ”That’s freezing”. You have to find somebody you love and put it on their head. You can’t not do it, can you? [Grunts] You don’t do that with any other food. ”This soup’s boiling. In your eyes!” For some reason you become a fizzy torturer. ”All right, Mum? Fanta to the knees!” ”Argh!” ”Dad! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’! Holidays are comin’!” We’re all connected weirdly by odd things we do. We all laugh at stuff we shouldn’t do sometimes. Like I was at the zoo… You know those things where you think, ”Shouldn’t be laughing, too late. Ha-ha!” A friend of mine works in the psychiatric ward. Patient the other day, walking along, threw some drinks at the wall. My friend said, ”Why did you do that?” This bloke went, ”God told me to do it.” Apparently a bloke sat in his pyjamas went, ”l said no such thing!” [Laughter] You can’t help it. You’re only a human, you have to let the giggles out. I had a lovely one at the zoo recently in Sydney, where it was great. And, er… I really like zoos, erm… ”Really?” ”Yeah.” People get… ”Oh my God! How could you go to the zoo, Russ? ”They keep those animals caged up! ”Why don’t you just fucking put a cigarette out on a polar bear?” ”Thickhead, it’s a monkey!” We all want to be happy and we’re all gonna die, now back off, you know? I’ve got no time for any of that. These people, they normally kinda wear flip-flops even though it’s raining. ”Ugh! Deal with it! I’ve got a Che Guevara T-shirt on and I’ve got some beads. Meh!” And they say things like, they’re always like, ”You know, girls, with all the trouble in the universe ”I’m not sure I could bring a child into this world.” Oh really?! Cos your penis is linked to world misery, is it? [Laughter] ”Jenny, stop kissing my cock, somebody’s been mugged in Peru. ”I’m coming, Rodrigo, I’m coming!” Fuck off! These idiots. ”I don’t own a TV.” Doesn’t make you better than me, it just makes you a weirdo. [Laughter] You’re missing out on The Inbetweeners and the Compare the Meerkat advert – and both of those things… – [Applause, cheering] ..make you mental. Feel the excitement! Isn’t it amazing? We’re gonna look back at the recession and go, ”Do you know what got us through? ”A meerkat dressed up in a stately home… ”looking at us, tilting his head and going ‘Simples!”’ [Kisses] That was it! That was enough, you know? So I was at the zoo and this brilliant bloke, Australians are fuckin’ hilarious, this bloke was like, ”Couple of years ago…” And they don’t know they’re being funny. [Australian accent] ”Couple of years ago some bloke got into the lion enclosure ”and tried to read the Bible to the lions.” [Laughter] – ”They fuckin’ killed him.” – [Laughter] ”It’s a bloody long book.” Implying that that was the reason why they did it! ”Well this is dragging.” ”It’s too preachy. It’s too preachy.” ”I prefer Catcher In The Rye. Shall we munch his nuts?” You have to laugh. My favourite ever of ”belly laugh from nowhere” moments. A girl in our school called Lydia was trying to make her calculator work. She was repeatedly knocking it, not that seductively, but she was trying to make her calculator work by knocking it against the desk. Mr McDonald, our teacher, went, ”Lydia! How would you like it ”if l banged you against the desk?!” Oh! The greatest day of school! We laughed for three years. ”Stop laughing, children!” ”We can’t stop laughing.” Things make you laugh and if they do, fuck it! l was on the train the other day. We went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove, and my friend went… – [Laughter] – Exactly. l was laughing already. Then my friend topped it by going, ”I bet you money that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.” [Laughter] [Applause] What a thing to say! But when you think about it, she probably does! She’s got a sense of humour. I bet if she’s bored at a function, her and Philip have this lovely code. ”Philip? Philip! ”Hey, Big P, Big P.” [Sniggers] ”Mother’s talking. Big P, Big P. ”Check it, check it, man. Check it. ”Would you like to visit Didcot Ladygrove?” ”For real, baby, for real. ”And when we’re done with that we’ll visit Walton-on-the-Marsh.” ”Son of a bitch!” I bet they’ve got a lovely lifestyle. She must have a sense of humour, she’s married to him. How easy’s his job? Bangin’ her and being racist. I could do that. ”There you go, Liz. Chinky-winky-woo!” The royal family are amazing, aren’t they? Prince Harry. It’s really extraordinary cos a lot of us love him. I quite like the bloke. He has that kind of… The Sun newspaper can’t make their mind up about Harry. One minute he’s a ”war hero”, next minute, ”racist!” Make your mind up. ”We don’t mind him killin’ foreigners but don’t call ’em names.” [Laughter] We like him because Prince Harry has the Boris Johnson X factor, doesn’t he? It doesn’t matter what you think about Johnson politically, you’d love to go on the piss with him. You’d end up in a nature reserve with Johnson going, ”Fucking come on, let’s paint an elephant with Tipp-Ex.” [Laughter] You’d be behind him with a hole punch. ”Coming, Boris!” ”Ha! Ha! Ha! Ring a ring a roses!” It’s the same with Harry, we love him. He’s done so many things that we’re meant to be appalled by, he might as well have a weekly show called These Are The Things I’ve Done, and we’d watch it just to see him go, ”Yeah, man. ”I made a pube beard and I Sellotaped it to a swan. Big wow, OK? ”Big fucking wow, Britain! Huh? ”Next week I’m gonna light my farts and teabag a gibbon. Come on over! – ”Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s Harry time!” – [Laughter] We’d watch it! He’s brilliant! He’s ferociously stupid. That’s why we like him. It’s the same as Susan Boyle. That was the whole beauty, the fact that she was mad. She may as well just have wandered on, rubbed shit in her face and gone, ”Ha!” and we’d have still voted for her. ”I’m dangerously ill!” ”Sing it, bitch!” [Laughter] We like Harry because he’s thick. Proper stupid, it’s brilliant. Think about it, most of us went to comprehensives, he had a hundred grand spent on his education. lmagine that. Hundred grand, he went to Eton, the finest education money can buy. He got two A levels, one is an E in geography, one is a B in Art. Can you imagine that? If your dad has spent a hundred grand on your education? ”l done a drawing and l sort of know what a hill is.” Slap, slap, slap for you! The media really ramp things up that we don’t give a shit about, like the Daily Express headline the other day, ”Swearing is the blight of Britain.” Well, it’s not, is it? And if it is, we’re really not doing that badly. l doubt there’s anyone in Gaza dodging white phosphorous, going, ”This is horrific, this is so bad.” ”It could be worse, apparently a lady in Rochester heard a man say cunt in Asda.” [Laughter] There’s things to care about. Luckily we’re evolved and we don’t really give a shit about many things. Swine flu, nobody cared. It’s been upgraded to class 6, we stilI don’t give a shit. When swine flu first… AIthough it’ll be quite funny if, when this DVD is released, everyone’s died of swine flu. – Just one bloke, ”Very funny, dickhead.” – [Laughter] ”Very funny indeed! ”I speak to you from the future. ”[Oinks] I speak to you from…” [Laughter] We weren’t worried. When swine flu first came out we imagined just walking into a doctor’s surgery holding a pig wearing a sombrero. D’you reckon any kids have tried to bunk off school by going, ”Mum, I’ve definitely got swine flu.” ”Well, you haven’t, have you, Tom? You’ve got bacon on your face.” [Laughter] I read this horrible story… there’s too much fear in the world. I read this story the other day that some parents have started buying their kids stab vests to go to school with. As if your first day isn’t terrifying enough! ”Let’s just pop your stab vest on.” ”Where am I going?!” ”To a place of learning. There you go. I like you, they probably won’t. ”There you go. You’re a lion! ”They’re gonna stab you and I’m fine with that cos Loose Women’s on. There you go.” How fear-mongering’s that? ”Before you go to school, here’s a cyanide pill in case you get cornered ”and a bomb-proof pencil case, ”best pop a mouse trap up your arse in case your teacher’s a wrong ‘un. ”On your way.” [Laughter, applause] Too much, isn’t it? Too much! Let ’em just fucking go to school. All we had was wedgies! Too much. Like North Korea. Christ alive! Terrifying. You got this pensioner testing nuclear weapons underground. How paranoid is that? Calm down, North Korea. ”We need to defend ourselves.” ”Nobody wants to get you. You’re gonna be fine.” That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm. You’re gonna be absolutely fine. Jesus Christ! And talking of our MPs, we just don’t like them, do we? Like the MPs expenses. What was your opinion of that? – [Man] Cunts! – ”Cunts” said the man at the back. – I think that’s pretty much the opinion. – [Applause] That should have been the front cover of the Sun, ”Cunts”. Just you leaning out your van like that. That’s how we felt. One MP claimed 23p for a lemon. Fuck! How cheap do you have to be? l’ll give you the lemon myseIf, you pikey shit! 23p for a lemon? People claming for moats, for tennis courts, for lawnmowers, for swimming pools! ”It’s legal, it’s legal.” So’s waking your nan up dressed as Hitler, just don’t do it. ”Meaarghh! ”Make me jelly, bitch!” ”Ja, mein Fuhrer! Ja!” You’re allowed to do a lot of things, just have some moral decorum! And then on top of this you get idiots going, ”Makes you wanna vote BNP, dunnit?” Not really! Not in any way! Where’s the link there? [Northern accent] ”Cos that bloke’s had his moat cleaned and I’ve paid for it. ”He’s left me with no option but to become a racist.” [Laughter] – Has he? How does that work? – [Applause] ”Moat: cleaned out. Me: racist. There’s an obvious link there.” There is no link. That’s like watching somebody mow their lawn and going, ”I’m off to punch Ainsley Harriott in the face.” ”I’ve cut Kris Akabusi up and put him in my bin.” ”What the fuck have you done that for?” ”I seen a bloke eating a cake!” There is no link. They’d still claim, luckily they’ll never get in power, but they would still claim, wouldn’t they? It wouldn’t be $500 for horse manure, it’d be 20 grand to have the white cliffs of Dover engraved with the words ”fuck off”. [Laughter] You know what l mean? it’s just kind of… We don’t like our MPs, it comes down to that. We want change. It’s because Barack Obama‘s so… just brilliant. You’re looking at him across a river going… [Tuts] ”Aw! Can we…” [Laughter] It’s like looking at your dad who’s a bit fat and going… [Sighs] – ”l’d like that dad, actually.” – [Laughter] He’s brilliant, isn’t he? l tell you what, you know when someone’s beloved of the world when they get away with a disabled joke on telly. That is true power. And nobody gave a shit. Did you see it on Jay Leno? There was a laugh over there, you obviously saw it. Jay Leno went, ”You’re pretty good at bowling.” Barack Obama: ”Yeah, in a sort of Special Olympics way.” Everyone went, ”Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. He’s lovely.” Fuck! lmagine if Gordon Brown had said that, or David Cameron! We’d have thrown disabled people at him! ”Fuckin’ arsehole! Pass me Stephen Hawking.” [Mimics Hawking] ”Aim for his eyes.” – It’s what we’d have done. – [Applause] I don’t know whether you’re applauding because you like the sentiment or the mere idea of slinging Stephen Hawking at people. Just loading him in a catapuIt, aim him for Spain. ”You fuckers.” Whoomph! [Laughter, applause] And now you’re really applauding. Sounds like a BBC3 show, doesn’t it? ”Hi, I’m Vernon Kay, welcome to Stephen Hawking Slingshot.” [Laughter] ”You have to decide in which nation he will land. ”Are you ready, Stephen?” ”Yeah, I’m fine.” [Laughter] ”Well, let’s oil up the slingshot and…” [Sniggers] ”Let’s get ready to rumble!” Whumph! ”I’m here in Sweden.” So, erm… Where was I? Well, I was talking about something… Yeah, Barack Obama – wonderful man. The reason why we like him, I think, is because he looks clever. It’s nice, isn’t it? He looks like he thinks. We haven’t seen that in a fair while. Cos you used to look at George Bush and go, ”I could probably beat him at Trivial Pursuit” and that is not good enough. He’d eat the pieces, that’s not even good. Barack Obama would annihilate you, wouldn’t he? He’s amazing. Forward-thinking, cultured, intelligent. He’s trying to bring peace to the Middle East. He’s also reversed stem cell research. I don’t know if you know this, but George Bush was anti-stem cell research because he didn’t want to upset God. How funny’s that? The idea that God could get angry. ”They’re trying to make tiny versions of themselves! I’m absolutely furious!” He won’t be. He’ll be there going, ”This is incredible! Clever little fuckers! ”Have you seen this, Gabriel? ”First the George Foreman Grill and now this. It’s unbelievable. – ”Look at that!” – [Applause] ”Every day is wonderful. It’s called an iPod, Gabriel. Hm? Hm? ”Put it on shuffle. Put it on shuffle. ”That’s the stuff G.O.D. likes.” People get obsessed with music, don’t they? You hear people go, ”You know why kids are violent, don’t you? Bloody rap music.” It’s such a ridiculous argument. ”The Wu-Tang Clan, that’s to blame.” We don’t blame chill-out music for lazy fuckers… [Laughter] ”Look, you’ve been on the dole for three years. Curse you, Dido!” Some bloke crawling on the floor. [Groans] ”What’s wrong, mate? Have you got ME?” ”No, Enya!” – [Laughter] Ridiculous! Then they blame… ”Computer games! That’s why kids are fucked up! ”They see the computer games, they’re so violent, they re-enact them!” You’re like, ”What? No, they don’t!” You know? I don’t walk around dressed as an Italian plumber and try and eat mushrooms. [Laughter] I don’t go near a wall and go… [Hums Tetris music] ”I’m getting a Tetris flashback! Stop me!” But people love to be angry, don’t they? There’s nothing worse than an old lady or an old man who’s given up on life, you know? ”I’ve been alive for 60 years. l really hope I don’t enjoy the next 20.” ”I quite agree. I say we wander around like T-rex’s trying to shit out pianos.” Searching out misery. The world is full of woe and wonder. Don’t look for misery. Like, there’s nothing better than an old lady who thinks, ”I’m nearly dead. Let the good times roll.” We’ve seen them everywhere, those lovely women with twinkly eyes and wrinkly thighs and, ”Fuck it”. ”That’s right, Mr Bus Driver, I’m gonna sit here. Fuckin’ do your worst, dickhead.” Just gettin’ out a tiny knife. ”I’m comin’ for you.” My mum‘s like that, she’s brilliant. The biggest gig of my life, Wembley Arena, right? My friends saw my mum, as people are filing into this gig, pointing at her vagina, going, ”That’s where the magic comes from.” – [Applause] – It’s just beautiful. How lovely and weird’s that? Nobody knew she was my mum! All they’d seen was a very old lady declaring that she had a magic fanny! Like a weird extra from Heroes. I’ve never been prouder. ”All right, Sylar, watch this.” Whumph! ”That’s what you’re dealing with, mate. I just pulled a rabbit out of my chuff. ”Try and steal that power.” She’s brilliant. I’m lucky to have plopped out from that lady. She’s wonderful, right? l was brought up in a very odd way. Like did your parents ever just pull really extraordinary pranks on you? And you go, ”Well, that is a bit much.” I remember once I was in Lanzarote and we were eight, and l was taking some rubbish to a chute late at night. It had gone quite well, it was a job, and I thought, ”I’m havin’ a skip, I’m skippin’ back.” I’m skippin’ back, it’s going quite well. Around the corner two werewolves appear. [Laughter] And they say, ”Bleargh!” – And l gently pooed myself, right? – [Laughter] Mid-skip. Low moment, right? Now, turns out it’s my mum and dad wearing the woIf masks. ”Ah-ha-ha! Isn’t that hilarious?” ”Not really. I shat myself.” Now, I’ve only recently found out that they did not buy those wolf masks in Lanzarote. They bought them in England! Which is brilliant and mental at the same time! ”Look what I got, David. Couple of wolf masks!” ”Let’s put ’em on immediately and scare him. He’s sleeping, it’ll probably scare him.” ”Can I hold you just there, David, because I do believe we’re going to Lanzarote. ”Let’s get him in a foreign country, properly out of his comfort zone ”and then really shit him up.” Brilliant. That’s got to be better, hasn’t it? Being raised by people who have a sense of fun. I’ve got no time for the ”What’s next?” brigade. You’ve seen those people, you’ve heard them. They listen to the news and invent their own misery to go with it. ”Free TVs for prisoners? What next? Ice cream vans for paedophiles? Hm? Hm?” You’re there going, ”No, that’s not going to happen.” ”Free contraceptives for teenagers? What next? ”Toddlers dressed as gimps? Bah! Bah! Bah!” ”No, that’s not gonna happen.” ”Abortion at 26 weeks? What next? ”Fannies fitted with nooses?” You’re there going, ”No, none of these things will happen. You’re inventing your own misery. For fuck’s sake, try and enjoy life. They just wander round going, ”CCTV. Big Brother. Local post office. ”Rage. Rage. Immigration. Ga-ga-ga! Ga-ga-ga! ”Enough to drive you mad. This country’s gone to the dogs.” Just fucking streams of bullshit. My personal favourite – ”This country’s the worst in the world, it’s enough to drive you mad!” Yeah, I bet there’s some bloke in some war-torn African village as we speak, just weeping on the floor. ”What’s wrong, mate? Why are you crying? ”Is it cos you got no money, no food, no home?” [African accent] ”It is none of those things. ”Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.” [Applause] ”Is there no God?!” We don’t give a shit about so many stories. Like that story about the 13-year-old boy that got that 15-year-old girl pregnant. Now, we were meant to go, ”Oh my God! Britain’s broken. What a palaver!” But, let’s be honest, my reaction was, ”Hang on, he’s 13 and she’s 15? ”Impressive.” How good is he at Laser Quest? You know? I could not have done that. I couldn’t have made a girl pregnant. I was weirdly proud of him. I was like, ”Go on, you little scumbag, well done. ”I’m surprised you didn’t start a fire by your shell suit rubbing against her.” I couldn’t have done that when I was 13. I struggle with girls now. I was on a train the other day and this girl came up to me and went, ”Excuse me, can you look after my bags whilst l go to the toilet?” And l… All l had to do was go ”yes” but for some reason I went, ”You’re not allowed to go when it’s in the station.” – [Laughter] – Oh Jesus! So this poor girl sits down. ”OK. Didn’t realise you were the poo monitor.” So she sits there till the train moves away. ”Can l go now?” ”Yeah, you’re probably all right now.” And then other people start asking me cos they’ve see… ”Can l go?” ”I don’t work here.” [Laughter] ”Just respect the rules. Jesus!” What’s funny, because of this 13-year-old getting this 15-year-old pregnant, it turned out he wasn’t the dad, that was quite humorous, secondly, we now have sex education for 5-year-olds being mooted by the government, amongst other policies. One of them is, they’ve got this scheme they’re gonna teach parents how to wake their children up in the morning. I’d argue that’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever heard out loud, isn’t it? If you can’t wake your kids up, sew it up or lop ’em off. ”This is an alarm clock. If you set it to seven it beeps twice and you wake the child up. ”So there we go. What do you use at the minute?” ”I hit them with a brick.” ”I’m gonna take your kids away, you fuckin’ monster.” It’s just depressing, isn’t it? Sex education for 5-year-olds, people are very upset about it. ”Too much! Too soon!” Calm down, they’re not gonna teach them technique. ”This is how I like to do it.” Slap on some funk. [Moans] ”Just make eye contact and then just drive it home! Drive it home!” Kids aren’t gonna rush home, put action dolls around their car and go, ”Mum, look, I’m dogging, I’m dogging!” [Laughter] It’s not gonna be any of that, it’s gonna be some poor teacher trying to talk to 5-year-olds about love. Can you imagine a harder job than that? ”Kids, we’re about to learn about love.” ”Well, good luck with that, I’m gonna lick that tree. ”I don’t wanna learn about dicks!” Imagine a harder job. ”Children, there’s a complicated thing called love. ”We meet somebody, there’s a feeling deep inside. We don’t really know what it is, ”but we know that whenever we’re near them it’s wonderful and comforting. ”Eventually, your penis or vagina ”becomes very friendly with the other person’s thingamajig. ”And it can be quite pleasurable… ”or painful… ”depending on how you do it. ”Any questions?” ”Yeah, l got a question. ”My brother reckons when you close your eyes, everyone in the world becomes a cat. ”Well? ”Cos if you close your eyes, you could be a cat right now. ”l open ’em, you’ve changed back again. ”Clever little bastard. ”I’m off to lick the tree.” ”It’s the worst way to learn. A teacher can’t teach a child aged five about sex.” There’s worse ways to learn than that. You can watch a duck go at it. Jesus! Yeah! You know what that looks like. It’s bloody horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen duck sex? Christ! You don’t forget that! The noise alone. Wah! Wah! Four on one, they’re dunking the head, the feathers… Wah! Wah! No wonder Orville wore a nappy. Jesus! ”I want to fly!” ”You’re gonna struggle walking, Orville, they fuckin’ ruined you! ”Somebody get a safety pin! ”Don’t look down! Don’t look down!” ”I want to…” ”Shut up, Orville! Lift his head up! ”He’s in tatters!” Or you could listen to the Pope. That’s worse. The Pope recently went to Africa and said that condoms weren’t useful in the fight against AIDS. He said that abstinence was the way forward. l imagine God in heaven going, ”That’s easy for you to say! ”You’re an old man in a dress! Nobody wants to fuck you! ”Abstinence? There’s fuck all to do in Angola! ”They haven’t even got a Nando’s!” Sex education for… It has to be better than the way we learned. Cos how did we learn? Through rumours, animals, or porn we found in woodland. And as a boy that was one of the most terrifying moments of your life. Can you remember that? Maybe you’ve not been through this. You might be quite young. Well, you’ve got that ahead of you, its fucking terrifying. You look at a pornographic magazine for the first time, look at a lady with your mates, ”Do you like it?” ”I love it, it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.” But in your head you’re going… [Shrieks] ”That’s terrifying! ”Kill it! Kill it! ”It looks like Rio Ferdinand’s smile!” [Laughter] [Applause] That’s what you’re thinking. [Yells] ”It killed Boba Fett! It killed Boba Fett!” That’s what you’re thinking. You’re frightened! Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, you’re gonna be rubbish at it the first time. As you get older, occasionally you’re all right, you have those amazing moments where you go, ”This is going all right. Hm-hm! ”Yeah! I’ve snuck this out from nowhere.” It’s a lovely feeling, you feel so manly. If you’re a beta male like me… there’s probably a few proper fuckin’ geezers in here. I’m not a manly man. A lot of people now have dogs, killer dogs! You leave me alone in a room with a dog and I’ll dress that dog up. [Laughter] ”Somebody looks like Sherlock Holmes!” ”Get the fuck away from me.” You know? I’m not a manly man. The only time I get manly is when I light a fire or put up a tent. It’s a lovely feeling that. You suddenly become very Alfie. ”Right, you darlin’, in the car, Daddy’s gonna put this tent up. ”That’s right, I’m gonna put up this tent and then I’m gonna make you pregnant.” An hour later, ”l can’t get the pole in the hole.” People will think you’re trying to kill an immigrant. It’s one of those… – [Laughter] – That’s just a joke. It’s one of those… That was quite lovely. ”Is that racist? I’m not sure. ”I’ll just fan myseIf with the Guardian. This is awkward.” And we can all agree with that! It’s quality! If you’re a fuckin’ beta, runty man, when you’re havin’ sex you feel so fuckin’ alive! You feel incredible! You feel powerful! You’re thinkin’, ”l’ll tell you what, if a burglar breaks in now, ”l’ll knock him out with my cock!” Think it! Never say it! Never say it! ”You’re gonna do what?” ”Nothing! Not gonna do anything!” What a Crimewatch reconstruction though, can you imagine that? l wouldn’t hit his head, it’d be thigh at best, let’s be honest. That’s if l was on a trampoline wanking, and to be honest if you’re on a trampoline wanking you probably wouldn’t need to hit the burglar, he’d probably get the message. ”Yah! Fuckin’ steal from me?! I’ve been wanking on a trampoline, fucker!” ”All right! All right!” Doesn’t matter how you learn about sex, always bad the first time, right? I lost my virginity underneath a bridge. Underneath a bridge in a place where trolls linger, that’s where I lost it. I could have banged a troll, I don’t know. There could be a lazy-eyed little troll going ”Daddy! Daddy!” It was dark down there. I was having sex… This poor girl, I tried my best. I felt very much like the Scottish football team at a World Cup, ”It’s just a pleasure to be here.” You want your 11-year-old self to be there just to prove to him that the future’s gonna get better. ”Look at that, that’s your willy in a girl. I know. Innit spectacular?” Admittedly it would be a bizarre episode of Quantum Leap, but… you know what I’m driving at, right? Now, I’m having sex with this girl, it’s going very badly, primarily because I’m not very good, she isn’t very good and my mates are watching me. Genuinely. We were at an army camp, ”How’s it going, Russ?” ”It’s a bit weird, to be honest. ”You’re looking at me in a tree and that’s really putting me off my stroke.” ”I’m fine with it.” ”I know you’re fine with it, Paul, ”but it’s really weirding me out. ”Are you wanking?” ”No, no. ”A little bit, yeah. ”I don’t mind. Do you mind?” ”I mind a bit.” ”There’s a woodpecker here who really minds.” ”I imagine he does, you’re wanking on his house.” I tell you what’s never good. When you’re losing your virginity… and somebody tuts. That’s never good. [Tuts] Oh dear. [Tuts] Oh no, what a fuss. That’s never good. I’m pretty sure at one stage she went, ”Oh, for goodness’ sake.” That’s never good. But I persevered, then she obviously thought, ”I’m gonna have a bit of fun.” So in the middle of it, I’m losing my virginity, she looks over my shoulder with exquisite acting, suddenly just went… [Sharp intake of breath] Shh! And I cacked it. I was like, ”Wha…?” Properly terrified. ”What is it? What’s behind me?” [Pants] There was a beat of silence, she looked deep into my eyes and went… – ”Boo!” And honestly… – [Laughter] ..the fear that went through… I was like, ”Ngah! Ngah!” I’ve never made a noise like it. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah!” l sounded like a camel with an ice cream headache. ”Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah!” It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life, but it led to one of the greatest. I don’t know if you’ve ever been inside somebody whilst that person is giggling. Oh, my God! What a feeling! It’s unbelievable! It’s like your dick is getting a handshake off Michael J Fox in a hurricane. It’s going… [Groans] – [Applause] – What a moment to arrive from nowhere! Brilliant! You know when life suddenly goes, ”I can do this.” You’re like, ”Oh-ho-ho! That’s quite weird and lovely.” So strange. That’s why I’ve got no time for… I’m not really a fan of technology, like communicating through… Twitter can really fuck off as far as I’m concerned. People say, ”Well, Stephen Fry’s on Twitter.” Yeah, he’s also on anti-depressants. And Stephen Fry’s got something to say, somebody else is just like, ”I’ve just eaten a banana!” ”Lovely. He’s invented a word.” Shut up. Texting, I hate. When you’re together in a relationship, fuckin’ amazing, like stars colliding. When you’re apart you have to check in. Technology ruins the mystique of us all. ”Where have you been?” ”Who knows where I’ve been. ”Such is the mystery of Howard.” ”Have you been to the cinema?” ”Yes.” ”You don’t know what film though, do you? Wooh!” ”Was it Star Trek?” ”Mm.” I hate texting. You have to check in, there’s no mystery. ”I love you, l miss you, I want you.” ”I love you, I miss you, I want you.” And you realise after a while your relationship’s pretty much become a Tamagotchi. ”l better feed the beast, I don’t want it dying on me. ”I love you, Sarah.” Just lose the… Has any text ever been worthwhile? ”What are you doing?” ”I am eating a potato.” ”Why did you not put a kiss on the end of that?” – ”I’m eating a potato.” – [Laughter] ”You need to put a kiss. When you don’t, that means you don’t love me any more.” ”I do love you! I love you so much! I don’t know the etiquette. ”There are times when I miss you like a recently separated Siamese twin, ”but at this fucking moment I’m eating a shitting potato!” Send! [Cheering] ”Who is this?” ”I’m so sorry, Nan.” [Laughter] ”Please tell me you didn’t get the earlier photo of my penis.” ”I did. ”Why no kiss?” ”I’m eating a potato.” Because if you spend your life sort of looking down and communicating like that, you don’t see what life has on offer. And it’s amazing, sometimes tiny things can be really, really lovely. I was on a tube the other day, I saw a pregnant lady, right? Her husband or boyfriend was rubbing her tummy going, # Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly # I said, Daddy is rubbing Mummy’s belly… # And l was there going, ”That represents everything I want in the universe.” It was so lovely. But you can’t join in. [Laughter] # Stranger is rubbing Mummy’s belly # Ah, don’t be freaky, don’t be freaky # Come on, baby… # Little things sometimes make you so happy. Happier than they should. I’ve got a new shower gel. I can’t leave myself alone. Sniffin’ myself whenever I get the chance. Orange and mandarin. You feel like you’ve been licked all over by a panther who’s had 15 Fantas. It’s incredible. You know that lovely feeling when you’ve had a horrible dream, you wake up, you’re like… [Grunts, gasps] ”I’ve got to do my maths GCSE!” Then it slowly dawns on you. ”No, I don’t.” [Laughter] ”I’m 29. ”My teachers are all dead.” What a moment that is, you know? Or that noise in the cinema. I love that. That’s another tiny bit of loveliness. You know when there’s a big glossy trailer? It always goes, ”Coming soon – July 2009. The Destroyer!” You will always hear one lone voice go, ”Well, that looks fuckin’ shit.” – [Laughter] – You love that noise. Sometimes followed by, ”I think it looks all right actually.” [Mumbles] ”..absolute shit…” Things from nowhere sometimes make you really giddy. Like watching drunk people, I love that. You know when someone’s a bit wobbly drunk and they put a bollard or a cone on top of a bus stop? How heroic’s that? ”I’m pissed. Fighting? Nightclub? Women? ”No, that bus stop needs a hat. That looks great.” The point I think I was trying to make is you never know what’s gonna make you happy. It can arrive from nowhere, like me and my family do a very weird thing with our dog, – which, I mean, we don’t like… – [Laughter] ”It’s a full moon! Shave it!” I don’t mean that. I recommend you do it. When you’ve something naughty to say, that maybe you shouldn’t say, simply pretend the dog has said it, it’s a wonderful game. My dad is the champion of this game. We use him as an evil conch, my dog Bert. Stroking him. We were watching The Snowman at Christmas. Beautiful film. Childhood film. My dad starts going, ”What’s that, Bert? ”This is the biggest advert for grooming you’ve ever seen?” So then the rest of us go, ”How could you, Bert? It’s an absolute classic, you disgusting dog.” [Whimpers] My brother jumps in. ”It’s a good job the snowman melted or that kid would have an arse like a slush puppy?” ”Oh! What an appalling dog!” Makes you so happy and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Sometimes you see something and you’re like, ”Wow! I’ve seen that. ”I will tell my friends about that. That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.” I was in a pub beer garden recently. I saw a full-size Jenga topple on to a pissed dwarf. Now… [Laughter] You don’t know what do. You’re like, ”Oh my God! ”Am l even allowed to laugh at that? I really want to. ”I know that makes me a bad person but if it was a big person and it hit him I’d laugh, ”but because he’s small I don’t know what to do.” Before the bricks hit his tiny face he went, ”Fuckin’ hell!” A bloke two seats along went, ”That was like 9/1 1 .” [Groans] The world’s a mad place sometimes, isn’t it? l saw this the other day – I saw a man have an argument with a parking meter. It was brilliant! It was in London. He put 50p into the parking meter, the 50p came out, he threw it away. He walked away from the parking meter, he obviously got to about here and went, ”You’re gonna leave it there, Dave? ”You’re gonna let that parking meter get away with that? ”Cos he’s made you look like a monkey, Dave, and you ain’t no monkey. ”Turn and face him, Dave.” And he turned to face him. He had a chat with his brain that went, ”I’m gonna need words when I get there,” and his brain went, ”I’ll give you words. I’ll give you words.” And the words that his brain obviously gave him, just after he’d punched this parking meter in the face, were, and I quote, ”You fucked-up gypsy.” [Laughter] It’s just mental, isn’t it? You’re there going… – Well… – [Applause] But what’s lovely about it, everyone in the room has been in a situation like that, when you’ve lost it with an inanimate object, you can’t help it. My mum has called a kettle a fuck-sandwich. She’s got no idea why. When you lose your keys, that’s the best. When you start talking, ”Where are you, keys? ”Seriously, where are you? Stop fucking around, it was funny for the first time. ”Come on, keys. Daddy needs the keys.” As if the keys… ”You’ll have to find me, Daddy. ”The pleasure’s in the chase.” Then you always inevitably go to God, ”Seriously, God, where are the keys?” As if… ”Hang on a minute, Rwanda, bigger issues. ”They’re by the microwave, Russell, they’re by the microwave!” It’s not gonna be like that. We always leap to the Lord in moments of pain or pleasure. If you hit your hammer on a thumb you’re like, ”Ah! God!” Sexual bliss, you’re like, ”Oh! God!” You can be as agnostic as you like, nobody has ever gone, ”Big Bang Theory!” It’s as simple as that. It’s interesting, He’s always there. And if you’re into religion, fair enough. It’s quite trendy to knock it, but whatever you need to get through life is your business, isn’t it? Like Richard Dawkins… He’s obviously a wonderful man with a really amazing mind, but he’s currently writing a book warning children against the dangers of fairy tales. Now, I would argue that’s a battle that isn’t really worth it. ”Children, I’m gonna tell you just why Humpty Dumpty is bullshit.” – [Laughter] – Do we really need that? ”All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty back together again? ”Well, let’s analyse that, shall we? ”Why would Mr and Mrs Dumpty call their first-born son Humpty? ”Bullshit. ”Point number two. An egg can’t walk, an egg can’t talk, an egg can’t climb a wall, ”if an egg were to fall off a wall he would not cry for help. ”Point number two – bullshit. ”Furthermore, how can a horse put an egg back together again? ”A horse has hooves, they gather no purchase. ”I’ll tell you a story, you little fuckers. ”A man is…born! ”He…works! He dies! ”Sleep well.” You need imagination. You need fairy tales up until the age of eight cos the world’s fuckin’ terrifying. It’s one of the greatest moments when your dad goes, ”I’m gonna tell you about Little Red Riding Hood.” ”Fuckin’ preach it, Papa, fuckin’ preach it.” ”There’s a wof in a dress.” You had me at woIf. You need imagination when you’re little. l remember once my brother was really upset, right? So in an attempt to help him… He was crying and I said, ”Don’t worry…” I’m eight, ”Don’t worry, Dan. – ”I can eat sadness.” Now… – [Laughter] I can’t. I can’t do that. But it really worked. I mean, I made a tool out of myseIf, I had to walk around the room going… [Laughter] But sometimes a little bit of imagination is fine, you know? I saw, the other day, a kid, he was about eight, eating a fun-size Milky Way. He turned to his mum and went, ”Mum, it doesn’t matter how many of these you eat, it never leads to fun.” How depressing’s that? ”You all right? Do you want a Happy Meal?” ”Life is suffering, Russell, life is suffering.” I just can’t deal with that level. Maybe I’m being mawkish, looking through rose-tinted glasses, l remember being very excited by a lot of things. If I had a fun-size Milky Way l’d have been looking at it going… [Gasps] ‘Nother! I’d have been very excited. l was excited about going to a Harvester. Christ! Can you remember that feeling? ”We’re going where? Fucking unbelievable!” Bragging in school the next day. ”Sorry, l can’t concentrate on your trivial shit, Miss, but I was at the Harvester last night! ”I went to the salad bar twice. Touch me!” Everything was exciting when you’re eight, that should be the way the world is! Remember the first time you saw a rainbow? Can you remember how exciting that was? ”Dad, there are colours in the sky. ”There are colours in the sky!” ”Well, that’s a rainbow, son.” [Gasps] ”And there’s a pot of gold at the end of it.” ”Oh my God.” ”And it’s guarded by a tiny leprechaun.” ”Pull over, Dad. ”Pull over right now. Let’s get that gold and pay off his mortgage. ”Mother, you’ll have gold teeth in the morning. Ring-a-ding-ding!” We looked for a rainbow… How weird’s this? Me and my little brother, we took a knife just in case the leprechaun acted up. [Laughter] ”Better pack a blade.” ”Yeah, small man syndrome. ”He might get naughty.” So… Thank fuck we didn’t find a tiny bloke! Imagine that! ”Where’s the money, fucko?!” ”I don’t know.” ”Pay up, you little Irish bastard!” Life is for living and it’s great, isn’t it? It’s really great when you’re reminded of that. Recently I had some anal issues and l thought l was gonna die, by which I don’t mean I can’t put my CDs in order. I mean, I thought I was gonna die of cancer of the bum. Erm… ”Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Jesus! You vicious bitches! ”Ha-ha! It’ll rot him from the inside!” God! How horrible was that? As ever, I went to the doctor’s and I pulled down my trousers… – Obviously, we had a chat. – [Laughter] Just wander in, ”I’m not very well.” ”I can see that. ”This is a dentist.” But l walked in, we had a chat about the bum cancer, and he said, ”Take your trousers down.” You’ve never done it slower in your life. l got my pants down to about there and just heard his booming voice go, ”In the other room.” And…you have a decision to make there. Do you pull ’em up? Do you waddle with pride? You waddle, you’re going for the waddle. The thing about waddling, the last thing you wanna do is waddle before a man’s gonna pop his finger in your Richard because now you’re a wiggling target, right? He thrust himself into me, had a wiggle around. Started chatting – that’s a first! ”How you getting on generally?” [Hoarsely] ”I’m fine. ”Can you draw the curtains? We’ve gathered quite a crowd.” ”Look, it’s H from Steps and he’s getting fisted!” ”I’m Russell Howard!” But it’s great… when you have a scare and then suddenly you go, ”Yeah, I’m doing it. I’m alive. ”I’m gonna hang out with people that I fucking love.” I love that. Hanging out with my girlfriend, my mum, my mates. Specially your mates, those fucking dangerous mates. The crazy mates you’d like to be. My friend Tom, one of my heroes. I fell in love with him age five. He stood up in the middle of a nativity play and went, ”Well, enough’s enough.” [Laughter] Heroic. He was the front end of a donkey. He was a genius. He was the leader of our gang, every gang had a leader. He always used to tell about sexual advice. ”Seriously, there’s a thing called Mars Bar parties.” ”We’re 11 .” ”I know. What you gotta do, ”pop a Mars Bar up the girl’s… [Whistles] She loves it.” ”Does she?” ”Yeah, she definitely loves it.” ”Can we not just kiss them?” ”Nope.” – [Laughter] – ”That is frowned upon.” So we took some Mars Bars to a disco. Aged 11 , music’s playing. [Hums tune] Music quietened down. We saw the girls we liked. When we saw a girl we liked we simply took out the Mars Bar and shook it at her, like that was gonna be enough. [Swishing sound] It didn’t work! We looked like we were teasing diabetics! At the end of the night boys are kissing girls, we’re in the corner of the room eating Mars Bars. ”It would be a waste to put it up their fanny.” ”I quite agree.” He’s the leader of our gang. He’s wonderful. We were watching that story about Elizabeth Fritzl last year and that’s one of those stories that really resonates with you, isn’t it? You can’t conceive of that level of sadness. You’re watching it and imagining it and it’s just horrific. Tom was there going, ”We should do something.” ”Okey-dokey! What are you gonna suggest?” What we suggested, what Tom suggested… We were sat there going, ”This is horrific, this is bad.” Tom went, ”We should get together, everyone who’s decent in the world. ”We should show her all the things she’s missed.” Imagine that. Like a conveyer belt of kindness. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? People turning up, ”This happened to me in 1995, thought you’d like it.” ”I seen this in 1987, take a bit of that.” ”This is Nelson Mandela. Tell her your story.” Just fill her full of joy and love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful? This conveyor belt of fucking hope. l was there going, ”That is a remarkable idea. But what would we show her?” And Tom went, ”You know what we’d show her. ”We’d re-enact the story.” Everyone has that, don’t they? You know that one moment? Like vapour funny, you know? You’re sometimes on a train and your brain goes, ”Remember this.” You’re like, ”Yeah, two years ago.” [Chuckles] ”That was fucking brilliant!” It happened to me when I was 17. I was not very cool aged 17, l was having… Cos when I was 17 I was having one of those chats where, all the time… ”What would you rather be, deaf or blind?” ”I dunno, that’s difficult.” ”Would you rather have like a chocolate face or bread for feet?” ”Russell, if you had no arms and no legs but really long anal hair, ”would you lower it down over the side of a cliff if l was in peril?” [Laughter] ”Slightly different from the other questions you’ve asked.” But l had quite a plentiful bush. I went, ”I’d help you.” Now, at this moment my friend Ritchie lit my anal hair. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that happen to you but that is pain beyond pain. I’d leap to the floor, patting my arse like that. My mates leg it. My friend Rob’s mum comes home to find me… She’s called Mrs Miller, she comes home, she finds me on the kitchen floor, on her kitchen floor like a meIting wookie and she is not happy. ”ls that any way to behave?!” She doesn’t know it’s been done to me. She thinks I’ve done it to myself and waited for her. ”You little pervert! I’ve seen you with your lazy eyes looking at my jubblies, ”and now I come home to find you on my kitchen floor with your arse on fire ”wanting me to look up your arse, you little bastard!” ”You’ve misunderstood! You’ve misunderstood!” Horrific moment in life. l wasn’t allowed round Rob’s house for a fuckin’ long time! Six months later, Rob’s having a party, ”Come round.” I think, ”I’ll come round.” We’re in the middle of this party, it’s fairly rubbish. ”Is there gonna be girls there?” There’s no girls, there never were. In the middle of this, there are people passed out, there’s about seven of us and my friend Tom goes, ”Russ, let’s go upstairs. ”We could go upstairs. ”We’ll put on Mrs Miller’s swimming costume.” [Laughter] ”We’ll put it on backwards and we’ll pretend we’re wrestlers.” Do you know, I honestly remember looking at him thinking, ”You genius!” You should have seen us. God, I’ve never run so fast in my life. We were up there, talcum powder, giving ourselves names, padding our way downstairs, we knew this was gonna be the greatest moment of our life. [Giggles] We got to the door, Tom goes, ”You go ahead, I’ve got something special planned.” I thought, ”You idiot. This is my moment.” I adjusted myself, leapt into the room, sure enough… ”Is that any way to behave?! ”Is that my nightie?” I was wearing it as a cape. What l should have said is, ”It is, I made a mistake, I’m so sorry, ”a thousand apologies, I’ll never do this again.” I didn’t say that cos I was cocky, I was 16 and l was pissed. l went, ”Yeah, do you want to wrestle?” Now… – the noise… – [Applause] She was shouting at me. She was very angry, shouting at me, I’m cowering. All of a sudden my friend Tom leaps into the room and I am well and truly saved. Because, evidently, this creative little weirdo had found some boot polish. [Laughter] That’s right, people of Brighton and people at home, my friend Tom had blacked up! That’s what he’d done! [Laughter] ”What the fuck have you done?” He leapt… All of a sudden I’m fine! I’m just a cross-dresser! He’s a gay racist! You didn’t know if you were allowed to laugh! ”Fuckin’ hell! Am I allowed to laugh? ”If I do she’s gonna kill me! I don’t know what to do!” Cos where he’d leapt into the room one of his testicles had wriggled free. It was the loneliest-looking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It was like a fat man stuck in a train door! ”Is that any way to behave?!” And he looked back at her and went, ”Sometimes.” Yes! That is the story we’d tell her. Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, what a genuine pleasure it’s been to do this. l hope you had fun. It’s been fuckin’ wonderful. Thank you very much indeed. [Cheering] Thank you very much! [Cheering continues] Thank you very much! Whoo! Well, fuck me, what fun. – [Girl] Fuck me! – OK. Wow! There you go. It’s gonna be quite an interesting encore. Erm… – [Laughter] – I-I can only… What was that? [Indistinct] That’s no way to behave? Beautiful, beautiful. You don’t want me to have sex with you, madam. Ooh! It’d be a bit… See? Look at that. I can’t… Look how… A minute ago I was all confident, ”Yeah!” ”Have sex with me.” [Groans] ”What? Yeah! Where?” [Groans] ”Right in your fanny and everywhere?” [Applause, cheering] ”I… ”I-I don’t… I don’t know if they have condoms big enough.” Oh dear. Furthermore, I have a girlfriend who l love. [Audience] Aw! [Clicks tongue] What a moment between you and me. [Chortles] How funny’s that? Me bogling for my girlfriend. You like that, baby? You like the way I move my ass? Have you seen the birds of paradise do that? It’s one of the loveliest things. Do you know about the birds of paradise? Cheer if you do. – [Cheering] – Isn’t it great? Have you seen it? David Attenborough. When the bird of paradise likes a lady bird… – Obviously like that. – [Laughter] The ladybird, that’d be a real stretch. ”My God, what’s he doing?” ”Eight dots. I gotta do this. Can’t wait till l tell the fellas about an eight-dotter.” That’s the only way you look at ladybirds, isn’t it? ”Two dots.” [Scoffs] ”Two dots.” ”Three dotter!” But the way the birds of paradise do it, it’s amazing. What happens is, when they see a lady they like they fly over to her and suddenly they go from very normal black-looking birds to blues and yellows and greens leaping out of the man. He does a really amazing dance, he’s like that, ”Yeah, yeah. ”Green? You want a bit of green, baby? ”Like a little bit of yellow? Blowin’ your fuckin’ mind! You like my plumage? ”Hey, how about a little bit of violet? That’s the way I… Hm?” The girl could not look any less bored. She just sat there. [Groans] ”Another day, another boogie.” ”Another boogie? Well, check this shit out, baby? You like the way l thrust my thighs? ”Thrust my…” And then she flies off, right? What’s brilliant, he flies back to his mates, who are on a branch, and his mates are like, ”Yah! You do know you were being videoed?” ”Eh? ”What? What?” ”Amber’s in the hedge.” ”He’s in what? ”Oh, fuck’s sake. I was going on about my plumage. Why didn’t you say something?” ”Coke can to the face!” So, no thank you. Any other questions? [Indistinct] Most awkward moment of my life? Er… I would argue putting marbles up my brother’s bum was a fairly tense moment. When your mother looks at you. That takes some beating. How about you? [Boy] The first time I met my girlfriend’s dad I tripped over and rugby tackled him. You rugby tackled your girlfriend’s dad the first time you met him? That doesn’t happen. You obviously thought to yourseIf, ”I’m going. ”Well, it can be a fall or a story.” And what did you do after that? Pretended I was unconscious as well. – Oh! That is beautiful! – [Laughter] Go on. Let’s re-enact it. Come up here, we’ll re-enact it. I’ll be the dad, it’ll be fuckin’ brilliant. ”I wonder where that little fucker is who’s boning my daughter? Oh, hello.” Wait! Wait! Bloody hell! Build up the tension. You nearly fucking killed me. Jesus! Don’t shoot your load straightaway. Build. Right. I haven’t even invited you through the door yet. No wonder you fucking went for him. So… Well the… Wait. [Laughter, applause] My wife and my daughter say that you’re the man who’s come round to try and win her hand in marriage. What are your credentials? Er… I got a distinction in my media product. Excellent. The world needs collages. So, I was thinking we’d walk towards each other and hug. How do you feel about that? Right, so… [Cheering] When in Rome… So we’re both unconscious at this stage. – So what happens from here? – Erm, well… – He was un… – [Laughter] He was unconscious for about five minutes and I was ”unconscious”… – Oh, you were faking? Of course. – Yeah. For about ten seconds. And then I got up and went, ”What happened?” Survey the scene. So just re-enact what happened. So, I’m out cold, right? Oh Jesus. He seemed like such a lovely boy. And here I am lying on… [Hushed] Get over to them! – [Mic thumps] – [Laughter] What happened there? [Cheering, applause] What happened? Uh… Well, as I went to shake your hand you sneezed and fell backwards, pulling me down with you and hitting your head on the floor, then headbutting me on the rebound and knocking me out. Sounds entirely plausible. – Come here. – [Applause] I am gonna take you into the house to meet my wife and daughter. – [Cheering] – Turn. It’s as easy as that. [Laughter] Right, I think I want a girl now. – Who… – [Laughter] Where did that go? Sorry, man, that was really… That could have really hurt. Did anyone get hurt? Sorry, I was looking down your top there, madam. I came over and went, ”Oh! Jesus. Fuckin’ hell.” Well, l’ll be honest, as ever in Brighton, you know… It always ends weird here cos I’ve got to leave my DVD with people at home watching it knowing there’s a boy backstage. ”Whatever happened to the boy?” Maybe we’ll do that as a DVD extra. We’ll find out, wouldn’t that be great? He’s just chained to a radiator. At the beginning of the next DVD he’s all withered, like a Dorian Gray face, and me going, ”Ha ha ha ha! We take him everywhere.” [Groans] ”Let me see my loved ones.” So, ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, it’s been the weirdest gig, as ever, but fuck it. It’s been a genuine pleasure. Thank you so much for coming, hope you had fun. Ta-ra. Farewell. Goodnight! [Cheering] [# Kasabian: Club Foot] # One, take control of me # You’re messing with the enemy # Said it’s two, it’s another trick # Messin’ with my mind l wake up # Chase down an empty street # Blindly snap the broken beats # Said it’s gone with the dirty trick # It’s taken all these days to find you # l tell you want you # l tell you l need you… #

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RICKY GERVAIS LIVE 2: POLITICS (2004) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-2-politics-2004-full-transcript/

The Houses of Parliament, home to British politics. But you don’t need to come here to see politics. Politics is everywhere… everywhere… everywhere… everywhere… Transport, Law and Order, N.H.S., Education Teachers moaning and that Defense. So the next time you’re walking around your town, open your eyes and see the politics that… Sorry, mate. Sorry… Actually… This illustrates my point. Look at this poor little fellow. He’s really political! Isn’t he? Let’s take a closer look. One: He’s a bit racial. What sort are you? What sort am I? Egyptian by Bath. Egyptian. Now, you can’t get more political than that, these days… ’round that sort of area. – So, so you’re wearing a fez? – No, mate. – Let’s get him a fez. – I’m not wearing a fez. – Just put a little fez on… – I’m not wearing a fez. – It’ll look really good, mate. – I’m not wearing a fez! I’m not wearing a fez! So, right. One: racial. Two: handicapped a bit. Is it rubbish? Well, I’m disabled if that’s what you mean. What sort are you? I had polio… You can’t catch it! Ok. So you’re leg mental but not head mental. So that’s two. Three: gay. I’m not gay! Well, no, no… – You probably get what you can. – I’m not gay! And that’s that. Nothing to be ashamed of. So that’s three political hot potatoes all in one little weird fellow. I’m not gay. – Can I get you out? – No. Oh come on, let me see what it looks like. – I want to see what it looks like. – You’re not right, mate. You’re not right! – Please, come on, please. – You’re not right, mate! You’re not right! – Let me just have a look! – Get off! – Come on, mate! – Fuck off! Come on! Can I have it back now? – So you’re out working for the BBC are you? – Yep – I’ll tell you what… – Do you want me to read you a little story? – I’m 31, mate. Should really be walking by now, then. Aren’t they grumpy, some of them? Got a little hat and everything. Still not happy. Please welcome to the stage… Ricky Gervais! Hello. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening. I hope you enjoyed that little short at the beginning. Or, Ash, as I call him. They’ve got names, they’ve got names. Individuals. You’re learning something already, ’cause that is totally factually accurate, that short educational film. He is really Egyptian. He is really disabled. He’s not gay. He wanted me to point that out. He is heterosexual. In fact he’s looking for a girlfriend, and wanted me to sort of do a shoutout, for any prospective wives. How can I big him up? The sex is shit but you can park up right next to Tesco’s! So, swings and roundabouts… Every cloud… Right? I can’t wait for him to see this show. It’ll be alright, he’s a good sport… if the sport is table tennis. They fucking love that, don’t they? They can’t get enough of that. You alright there? That is high, innit? I did the Royal Albert Hall last month and that’s fucking scary. That was good actually, ’cause that was a charity event. And I don’t do enough for charity. I do a bit, but you can always do more. But I look at it like this: it’s a pain, innit? Nothing in it for me. All the money was going to teenage cancer. I say, all the money, after expenses, you know? Shouldn’t cost me anything, should it? So, I went by helicopter. Fucking brilliant! There are so many charities these days. I do do what I can. But when I was growing up there was just Oxfam. You knew where you were, know what I mean? You’ve done well if you’ve got shares in that, that’s gone from strength to strength, innit? ‘Cause you’re always out “famming!” There are loads… And you get them coming up to you in the street, with their little tunics on, and you have to cross the road, but then you get got by another set, you know what I mean? And I’ve been caught about six times, and I filled them out. Once you’re caught, you fill it out. Particularly now that I’m recognized. So I don’t get, “Oh, he was mean.” Or, spotted in Heat: “Gervais says no to Alzheimer’s!” It’s alright if it’s for Alzheimer’s, ’cause I go: “We did this a minute ago, mate…” That really worries them. No, but you give your bank details and your telephone number. I’ve had no bad experiences with that, I must say. I have had my fingers burnt once, with a charity appeal. It was actually in a broadsheet newspaper ’cause I thought it was quite reputable. It was for sponsorship of a child, a Rwandan orphan. And it had a picture of a little 10-year-old Rwandan girl and a picture of a Cabbage Patch Doll. And I remember, it said, “Cabbage Patch Doll, 28 pounds.” “Little Zuki, just five pounds a week.” So I filled the form out and I sent it off. And as soon as I posted it, I thought, “Fuck, if she lives till she’s 18…” “…it’s costing me two grand!” I’d have paid for the Cabbage Patch Doll outright… But the way they worded it, they made that one look like the better deal! It’s confusion. So, just look, be careful… I don’t want you to get stung like I did. It can’t be a con, like that one was. Oh, dear, so yeah… I warmed up at the Royal Albert Hall, for you. Actually I did do a couple of Walmarts, before that. And I just want to tell you about one of them, absolutely true story. We did this little theater. And we stayed in a place just outside Luton, called Dunstable. Fuck… It’s good. We stayed in this two-star hotel. Me! Full of white trash. I don’t want to deny my roots, but I’m out of that now. I expect a little bit more. The road manager came out and said, “I’ve booked you in.” “Just go straight in, just go straight through the bar, and your room’s at the end of the corridor.” “Just hide out there. No one will bother you, and I’ll pick you up at 9:00 tomorrow morning.” “You’ll be alright.” He went, “Oh, I must warn you, there’s a wedding on.” Oh, for fuck’s… And honestly, I walked in, it was loud, packed with people… Bloke in a suit, could have been the groom, I don’t care. I walked in and he went, “Brent!” Oh, for fuck’s sake… What’s the best he thought could happen? What was he hoping for? That I’d hear him shout that and turn around and go, “Who said that, then?” “That is brilliant!” – “Was it you?” – “Yeah, it was me.” “Brent, you little sausage…” “Did you just think of that? Just shout it out? That’s brilliant! Oh, God…” “I was going to bed, but do you want to be mates?” It’s got better. About a year ago-I work in XFM sometimes-and about a year ago I got into the lift and just as the lift doors were closing, a bloke sort of made it. And I think he was a workman there, a little logo on his shirt, and he clocked me and he went: And I went: And then he went, “Where’s Monkey?” And instead of going, “That’s not me, mate, that’s Johnny Vegas.” I went, “Oh, he’s at home.” But he started going, “I think you were brilliant in those,” and I was going, “Thanks very much!” But I can’t complain, I have had a good year. Went to America at the beginning of the year. Won a couple of Globes, thank you very much. No, no, I’m not saying that to show off. – “Brent!” – Cunt… I’m telling you to compare it with the week I had before I went to America. And that wasn’t such a good week. I was sitting at home, and it was about the second week of January… I was watching telly, and there was that program “Celebrity Stars and Their Doubles,” with Dale Winton. Yeah, sure, there was a Brent lookalike who won his category. Just a fat bloke. He had a tie and a goatee… just a fat bloke. The most like Brent in the world. Unbelievable. About 45, about 18 stone… In fact he was so fat, that when he got up to get his award off Dale, he actually had that fat bloke waddle. And Dale Winton said: “You even walk like Ricky Gervais!” Not even Brent anymore. Just a fat bloke he was, then. So I’ve started wearing black all the time now. I’ve got a complex. It’s slimming. It works! Pavarotti always wears black, doesn’t he? And now you see him in pastel and he’s a chunky little fucker! So welcome to my new show. A bit worried about what to charge. 25 quid’s a lot of money. And I looked at other TV comedians who were charging less than me and I thought: Fuck it, you get what you paid for. Some people charge 25. Jim Davidson. Live. 25 quid. “Strictly no spastics.” Except Jim, they put him off. That’s a word you don’t hear very often, innit? “Spastic.” Again, in the ’70s, all the rage! No, but they changed their name. Not individuals, I mean, the society. The individuals, they weren’t… Well, you know what I’m gonna christen it! It was called the Spastics Society. And that was a normal word. And they changed their name to Scope, because “spastic” had started being used as a derogatory term. Particularly in playgrounds. Bullies would pick on little disabled kids, and they’d say, “Oh, you’re spastics.” They changed it to Scope. And now that doesn’t happen. It can’t, does it. I mean, what would happen now if a bully picked on a little fellow in a wheelchair? “Oy, spastic!” Little fellow in a wheelchair would just go, “I think you’ll find it’s Scope.” “Oy, Scopey!” “Fuck!” My impression of a wheelchair user. Not Thora Hird, that’s just that. She had a plush one. She didn’t even bother with that. Never off her ass, was she? She could walk, I’d seen her walk… She goes shopping in one of those things, all the way home, right up to the front door. Key in the door, straight in the stairlift. Feet haven’t touched the ground yet. Up to the bathroom, lowered into the bath. Never off her ass. Give her an award, she’s up there like a fucking greyhound! Same as that Steven Hawking. Blazing! The most intelligent man on the planet and I’m having a go. Brilliant! The most intelligent man on the planet, but not such a good judge of character. Happily married, kids… Nurse… And now, according to some (my lawyers have told me to say) she leaves him out in the sun, she smacks him around the head for a laugh. Isn’t that terrible? He must be thinking: “What happened to all the fucking blowjobs?!” Spell the whole word! But… There’s no evidence. The charges were dropped. So that’s not how he got the cuts and bruises. It was probably all the skateboarding he does. So… Why politics? Because… I want to give something back to society. Fuck off! I do! You don’t know! And I can’t enjoy this life when I see… Injustice Suffering Inequality And I want to live and die if necessary by the morals I hold dearly. Like Martin Luther King and Gandhi. And… Ben Elton. People have a problem with Ben Elton now. They think he’s sort of sold out all his principles… And just made as much money as he could, and he’s just an annoying little twat. That may be the case, but they never have a go at Gandhi, do they? And that’s what I’m here for, a bit of balance. Never mind having a go at Ben, what about Gandhi? He can be annoying. I’ll tell you a story about Gandhi, a true story. When he came to England in 1930 or something… I haven’t looked up if it’s 1930, I can’t be bothered because I have to get ready for tomorrow… Right. It was 1930-something. He got off the plane. Pretty sure it was a plane. Heathrow. Terminal 1. Oh God, Mahatma Gandhi… In our little country. Surrounded by journalists, photographers. They couldn’t believe their luck. And one little journalist went, “Mr Gandhi?” Respectful, right? “Mr Gandhi: what do you think of Western civilization?” And Gandhi said, “I think it would be a good idea.” Ooh, you sarky… For someone who doesn’t want to get in a fight, he’s a little bit… Isn’t he? Fucking hell… And what happened to sarcasm being the lowest form of wit? Oh no, highest form of wit, when Gandhi says it! If I’d have been that reporter I’d have said, “Hmm, very good. I’m not putting that.” I’ll ask you again: “What do you think of Western civilization?” I told you, I think it would be a good idea. Alright, ok. I’m taking back your degree from London University. Oh, and your National Health specs. What do you think of it now, Mr Magoo? Sarky bastard… He went to the same university as me, University College London. And I think it was there where I turned away from politics. Because I’d been interested all my life, particularly at 15, 16, 17… Becoming politicized, hanging out in the sixth form, discussing communism and stuff… And I’d do things, I used to sell Anti-Nazi League badges and collect for the miners, ’cause it was noisy, mainly. And I even had that poster of Che Guevara on my wall at home, to annoy my mum. It backfired. She thought it was Robert Lindsay. And then when I got to college, there were people better at that then me. Know what I mean, there were people that really meant it. And I was thinking, “Oh God, was I like that?” I’ll give you an example. I did Philosophy. And after a few weeks, you had to choose your options for the three years. Compulsory subjects were Logic and Greek Philosophy, and you had to choose about six others. And I chose Philosophy of Science, Philosophy of Mind, Morality. And there was a Marxism option. And I thought, that’d be great, I’ve always been interested in that. And it was only a small department, about 25 people. The tutors were all out and you had to queue up and take the thing you wanted. And I looked over at the queue for Marxism… And there were ten people in this queue. Three of them were wearing berets. And I thought, God, I can’t spend three years in a room with what I used to call at the time “cunts.” The first bloke I sort of hooked up with was the opposite of that. He was this big, lumbering chemist called Pete Brown. And I think he was about the first person I met, and he lived literally opposite me in the corridor. Ifor Evans Hall in Camden. 18, like the rest of us, but the mind of a 55-year-old fascist cab driver. “Society was going to the dogs” and “God, the things I could do if I was in charge.” That sort of thing. And I remember there was an advert at the time… for Strongbow. And at the end of the advert, two arrows are fired from a longbow, and went: and split the wood on the bar. That gave him the horn, that advert. Because he used to imagine executing muggers and rapists like that. And it would come on and he’d go quiet, and he’d be watching it, like that. And then ad’s over and he’d go, “Ooh, that was in the head.” And he also used that to exorcise demons. Like, you’d walk along the street, and it was like the early ’80s. So if he saw someone coming the other way, like a bloke with long hair and make-up or something like that, he’d just watch him and he’d go: He’d be imagining killing him! Once we were walking home from college and he used to go in every day and buy his Evening Standard. And it was a little kiosk I think it’s still there. It was like just two piles of Standards and a little old woman selling them. And he went in this particular day, bought his Standard, 10p, and the cover story that day was a big photograph of an old-age pensioner. And she’d been mugged and there was a picture of her, cuts and bruises. Awful story. And the old lady, just making conversation-she probably said it to everyone who came in that day-she went to Pete: “It’s awful, isn’t it?” And he went, “Yeah.” “Yeah, she’s 93. Scarred for life.” But you leave it, don’t you? Pete went, “Well, that’s not scarred for life then, is it?” She went, “What?” “You scar a baby for life, don’t you?” “If she lives till she’s 100, she’s only been scarred for 7% of her life.” He did the maths for her! Like this old woman’s meant to go, “Yeah, you’re right. Fuck her!” But politics starts from an early age. You don’t need to go to college to be exposed to politics. I think it starts from year nought. It’s in little sayings and songs, nursery rhymes, fables. They’re charged with morality for kids. And I remember, I must have been as young as 6 or 7 ’cause it was infant school. And the first Monday of every month, the deputy headmaster used to do a fable at assembly. And it was his best day. Now, he used to make it last about a half an hour to forty minutes and he thought he was Peter Ustinov. And looking back, I think all the other teachers were going, “Look at that fucking wanker showing off for 6-year-olds.” He’d take his shoes off as well. I’ll tell you one that he told, a fable. It was the fable of the two mice. The lazy mouse and the industrious mouse. All through the summer, there was lots of berries on the trees… The sun was shining, it was lovely and warm. The lazy mouse would be eating berries off the tree, taking a bite, throwing it away. There was loads. The industrious mouse… He’d have a berry, sure. But he’d eat it all and he’d save one as well. The lazy mouse: “Ah, forget that, I’ll just eat these berries.” Running around, ok. The industrious mouse says, “You know what, you should look forward to winter, ’cause those berries won’t…” “Oh fuck off, ya square!” I’ll adapt to it. So anyway, you get the picture. So all through the summer, he’s eating berries, he’s running around, sunbathing. The industrious mouse, he’s busy collecting berries, freeze-drying them, chopping wood with a little axe that he’s fashioned out of a twig and a tiny little sliver of flint. And he’s tied it on with a horsehair. Thus making it easier for him to stockpile wood for the much colder season. He hasn’t got a fire at the moment. He’s too hot, if anything. Just lying there… But come winter, burn the wood, make the fire. So… summer. So to cut a long story… I’m making it last longer than needed, for fuck’s sake. So autumn comes, same pattern. Lazy mouse, he’s just fucking about eating the last of the berries. The industrious mouse, he’s collecting the last of the berries. He’s got… too much wood, if you want my opinion. But it’s not gonna run out. The stuff at the back’s gotta be damp… Circulate it. Doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he’s doing his best. The lazy mouse, he’s just having a laugh, he’s loving it all, he’s just kicking through the leaves… Underneath the leaves. You can’t see him, ’cause he’s too small but you can see the leaves sort of move like that. You sorta go: “What’s that?” It’s just Lazy Mouse. You can’t, but that’s what happening. Don’t think it’s a ghost or something like that. If you could go in there, like with a really high-tech… you know like in Discovery Channel… You’d probably see the lazy mouse going: Winter comes. The ground is cold and hard. There’s no berries on the trees anymore. It’s freezing. The lazy mouse is out there, he’s scrabbling around, he can’t find anything. The industrious mouse is in his cottage that he’s built out of just odds and ends. Roaring twig fire. Pipe! Rocking chair. Or a pebble. Just a pebble. Sort of modern. Don’t they hibernate? This is bollocks, isn’t it? These mice didn’t, anyway. So he’s there and there’s a knock at the door. “Who’s that?” So he goes over to the little door. Tiny knob, obviously. “What do you want?” It’s obvious what he wants, isn’t it? And he goes, “Oh, well, it’s cold, and I’m hungry…” “Well… ” Definitely smokes now. “That’s not my porn mag.” Right? He goes: “Well I did warn you, didn’t I?” “Yeah…” “Never mind. Come on in and share with me.” Where’s the moral there? What is the moral of that tale? Fuck around, do what you want, then scrounge off a do-gooder! It’s a terrible lesson for kids! Most of the kids in my class kept that up. He also told the one about the boy who cried wolf. A boy, looking after his sheep. Gets a bit bored. It is boring. Probably tired as well, ’cause if you’re counting ’em you’re probably getting a bit drowsy, aren’t you? Anyway. So, gets a bit boring. He’s got nothing to do here in… The Bible. Anyway, so… Long time ago. And he goes, um. It’s just a Monday, that’s the worst day. And he’s just bored, and he goes: “I know what, I’ll have a laugh.” And he goes: “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!” And the villagers come out and go, “Where’s the wolf?” “No, no, there’s no wolf here.” “Oh, you fucking…” So next day: “That worked a treat, I’ll do that again.” He goes: “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!” “Where’s the wolf this time?” Still no wolf. “Oh, you fucking…” Third day, there really is a wolf. And he goes, “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!” But the villagers don’t come ’cause they don’t believe him. And we were told, the moral of that is, “Never tell a lie.” No it isn’t. The moral of that is never tell the same lie twice. A terrible lesson for kids. Nursery rhymes… Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown. Which I later learned meant his cranium! I thought his hat fell off or something! and Jill came tumbling after. And that is a true fable of the time, I think of the 16th century, about two illicit lovers who used to go up to the hill, out of the sight of the villagers, and have it off behind their spouse’s back. What’s the moral there? Don’t fuck around with sluts or you get your head caved in? I’ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don’t sit on a wall if you’re an egg. How is that applicable to an 8-year-old human? You either go, well, what’s the moral there? “Don’t sit on a wall if you’re an egg.” What? Of course I wouldn’t. “If you’re an egg?” It’s not gonna happen, is it? Are there eggs reading that, going, “Oh, I was gonna jump up there, not now…” “Oh, God… Wait, don’t get on there if you’re en egg!” – “No, why not?” “Read that.” – “Fuck!” Don’t send horses to perform medical procedures… Of course they couldn’t put him together again! It’s obvious. They haven’t got the dexterity. It’s obvious. I wouldn’t have sent them in the first place. An experiment… it’s not an experiment. They can’t… They can’t even scrub up. They haven’t got thumbs, let alone opposable thumbs. They couldn’t sew to save their life. If I had to design a perfect egg-crushing device… it would be a hoof. Doesn’t matter if they’re kings’ horses or Steptoe’s horse… All the king’s horses… Certainly don’t send all of them! It’s gonna be chaos! What if we had been invaded by France that day? Bloke comes running to the bloke in charge, goes: “You in charge of all the king’s horses and all the king’s men?” “Yeah.” – “Well the French are coming!” – “What?” “Where are all the king’s horses and all the king’s men?! The French are coming, quick, where are they?” – “The egg…” – “What?” “What?” “It’s, it’s, uh… the egg!” – “What are you talking about?” – “I sent them to mend an egg.” “Are you fucking mental? Are you mental?” “They can’t mend an egg!” Also… I only know that he is an egg from pictorial evidence. And he is clearly an egg. An egg-thing. An egg with eyes. And other things. Trousers. But… that’s not mentioned in the whole thing. That would be the first thing I’d mention. Nevermind, I’d go: Once, right, there was an egg that could climb walls! Left that out! If… your surname is Dumpty, don’t call your firstborn Humpty! He’s already an egg. Like that’s not enough of a stigma! – “How’s the baby?” – “It’s an egg.” – “Just an egg.” – “Oh really, what are you going to call it?” – “Humpty Dumpty.” – “Well, don’t make it worse.” That is a wind-up there. Just call him Johnny or something. Just put a balaclava on him. The worst he’ll get is “Fatty Johnny.” Humpty Dumpty the egg? He’s gonna get the piss ripped out of him! He probably jumped off the wall. So, what is politics? Politics is the art or science of governing. Governing people and governing society. What’s the best way to live, how do we live in harmony? That’s what we’re looking for. Democracy is the closest thing we’ve got to everyone sorta just chipping in. But even that’s got problems. Who gets the vote? Should everyone get the vote? Dangerous question. The political philosopher Nietzsche said that not all people do deserve the vote and not all men are born equal. This was classically misinterpreted by Hitler, who went way too far with it. Imagine that: you’re a great scholar, Nietzsche, and you write that, and you get called to Hitler: – Alright, Nietzsche? – Alright, Adolf. – Yeah, just been reading your book. – You like it? Brilliant. Love all that, love all that… Man and superman, not everyone’s equal, kill all the Jews… Sorry? What? – Not everyone’s equal, kill all the Jews… – I didn’t… I didn’t write that. Yeah, I read between the lines. You’ve totally misinterpreted the whole point of it… – Yeah? – Yeah, definitely. It’s awful. It’s dreadful. Have you been killing… …Jewish people? What? Have you been killing Jewish people? How many have you killed? How many have I killed? – Six mill… – Six million! Yeah, I don’t want to go on about it, I’m not going to do any more. Leave it at six. Move on… Is it time for tea anyway? Yeah, but be careful in the future. I know. You writing any other books at the moment? – Well, I am but I’m scared to tell you about them. – No, I won’t do anything. What’s your new book called? My new book is called: “The Gyppos: Do We Need ‘Em?” Not a traditional subject for comedy, the Holocaust. I’ll give you that. Probably why Spielberg didn’t put a laughter track on Schindler’s List. It would’ve ruined it. When Schindler’s List came out in American cinemas, they actually banned popcorn. That’s true. And I think that’s a great idea, but I think they should ban it in all films. I don’t want to go and watch a film with someone grazing next to me, you know what I mean? Obviously, I did it in that because of all the people that died in it. But what about all the people that died in Mad Max? Let’s keep it fair. And that was more recent. It was the future, so it was really recent. I think Schindler’s List is a fantastic film. And I didn’t watch it at the cinema actually. I got it out on video, about a year later-by mistake!- ’cause I’d never heard of it, and I was in Blockbuster, sorta late one night, and I was a bit drunk, and I thought it was a porn film. No, ’cause I saw 18 certificate, top shelf. I thought, oh, black and white. Dodgy home movie, you know? German sounding-they’re the best. And what swung it, it was that quote on the back from Barry Norman: “Have a box of Kleenex ready.” Rubbish. I used about two. There was a shower scene! Shut up! Lenny Henry, 30 quid! Fuck off! This lecture, as you’ve worked out, is about political change. But how do you change things? Well, we’re not all in power by definition. Some of us haven’t even got the vote. But, if you’ve got a voice, and in our country we’ve got freedom of speech, you can change things. Slowly, but you can be heard. And that’s one way. I used to work at University of London union. And there wasn’t a day that went by where there wasn’t a march that started outside, or people giving out flyers and leaflets and stuff. And I always used to take them, to read them, because I wanted to know what people were giving up their time for. And I remember one was a leaflet boycotting Nike and some other designer labels for using third-world sweatshops. Particularly China. And there was a frightening statistic on this leaflet, I’ll never forget. It said that the CEO of Nike has amassed 5.2 billion dollars and for a female worker in one of his sweatshops, in China, to earn that, she’d have to work 7 days a week, 8 hours a day, for 10,000 years. But they don’t want to! Lazy… There’s another thing on there, it’s absolutely true. One of the supervisors in one of the sweatshops in China has been accused of sexually assaulting one of the female workers and he’d been… That’s not funny, is it? …and he was suspended, but fled the country before he’d come to trial. And the CEO of Nike was asked an awkward question about this at a press conference And he said, “No, he wasn’t sexually assaulting her.” “He was trying to wake her up and must have touched the wrong places.” What? That’s a bad excuse, innit? Touched the…? Mrs Chang… Mrs Chang… Just shout! Don’t touch her at all. Mrs Chang… But I love bad excuses, when it’s sorta embarrassing, sort of heinous, things like that. A friend of mine I went to college with was a medical student, and when he did his degree, he did an internship or a junior doctorship at University College Hospital. And he was working nights, it was about 1:30 in the morning, and this guy came in, and he had a bottle of sauce stuck up his ass. As you do. Completely disappeared. He hadn’t left enough out, he hadn’t thought of the return journey. Even Hansel and Gretel sorta left breadcrumbs, didn’t they? He hadn’t thought it through. He was getting so into it, the whole bottle up there, then he couldn’t get any purchase… You know, tie a bit of string to it or something, just think ahead. Or… empty it out, fill it with concrete, put a broom handle in it, let that set, and then you’ve got the full length of the bottle, and a handle. But he hadn’t put as much thought into it as me… Amateur. And also, instead of going in there and saying: “Excuse me, mate.” “You’ve got a sauce bottle stuck up your ass.” “I know what I was doing, you know what I was doing…” “Get it out and I won’t do it again.” Instead of saying that, he went through this whole face-saving rigmarole of filling out an accident report, just making it worse for himself, and this is the excuse he gave. He said: “Well, what happened was…” This is a great excuse, right. He said, “I’d been shopping at Safeway” “and I came home with my shopping and I realized that I’d locked myself out of my house.” “So I put the shopping on the doorstep” “and I saw I’d left open a bedroom window.” “So I tried to climb up the drainpipe” “but as I was climbing the drainpipe, my belt broke” “and my trousers and pants” “fell down.” “I went to grab them, I lost my grip, and I fell and I landed on this bottle and it went straight up…” “And that’s what happened.” Ok, so, got it out for him. And when he left, they made an amendment to the accident report. My mate put, “This story would be somewhat more believable” “if Safeway sold their bottles of sauce with condoms already attached.” Oh, the condom. Fuck. He knows I’m lying… Why’d he put a condom on it, anyway? ‘Cause he was then gonna use it on his chips? But how mean is that? If you’re into… You know what I mean? Shoving condiments up your ass. Buy two! They’re only 79p! I guess, I don’t know… One for chips and one for asses! You know where you are! You don’t have to make bad excuses! My favorite leaflet of all time… I bet some of you haven’t even got a favorite leaflet, have you? Sort it out. No, it really is… You’ll see why. And I kept it with me for about three months and showed it to everyone. It was a leaflet that came round the union, in about 1994, ’95. And it was a Terrence Higgins leaflet about safe sex. And it was aimed at the last demographic of gay men that weren’t taking HIV seriously enough. So it was very hard-hitting and seen, and it used really, sort of, colorful language to get the message across. And I remember it so well. The title of this flyer; you know it’s going to be a good leaflet when this is the title, this is the opening gambit. It was called: “You know, you don’t always have to have anal sex.” Thanks very much. Think of a couple of old-age pensioners just queueing for their flu jab. They’re just browsing, Reader’s Digest… What’s this one? “You know, you don’t always have to have anal sex.” See, I fucking told you! So, that was what it was called, right. And it was a ten-point plan of alternatives to… you know… that. So, #1. Always started the same as well. Always started with, “Why not?” Why not. Like, casual. Like a recipe or something: Why not throw in an onion? #1 was this: And it had these little diagrams, like little drawings like you get on safety things on planes. Anyway, #1. Ten-point plan. #1 was: Think of this as medical advice. #1 was: “Why not just wank each other off?” – I’ve got a new leaflet! – Oh, what’s it say? Why not just wank each other off? Ok. Casual. #2 #2 was great. Again, just a casual suggestion. #2 was: Always the same, “Why not…” #2: “Why not come on his back?” Why not? When is that? It’s so casual! Why not?! Imagine you queue up to see a GP… “The GP will see you now.” And he’s sorta waiting, “Come in, sit down. What can I do for you?” “I’m gay and I’m worried about HIV.” “Um… come on his back!” #3 Whenever I show this to people, when I got to this one, people were laughing and then they went, “Oh…” #3 is the worst one. #3 is: “Why not come in his hair?” Not the hair! On the back! Come on the back, sure. On you go, go on. Hurry up. Where are you fucking aiming that? Not on the hair! Fuck off! There! Fucking better not… I’m putting on a shower cap. #4 Oh, #4. I’ve not before, or since, heard such a great use of the term “e.g.” as in this next sentence. #4, I swear, was: “Why not come into a piece of fruit?” “e.g. watermelon.” What? Like if they put it out without that people are going, “Well, what fruit?” “Watermelon, thank you! I need to know what fruit!” I need to know exactly what fruit. I don’t want to get it wrong. I thought asses were alright, I was wrong there. I don’t wanna make… So watermelon, yeah? Good. #10, I’ll just tell you #10 because #10 might be the greatest sentence of all time. And I think the bloke writing it was under pressure from his boss. He’d done nine and his boss came and said, “How’s it going?” – Done nine. – We need ten. I can’t do ten! I’m struggling. I’m doing hair, I’m doing backs… We need ten. You’ve got till 5:30. And this is what he came up with. This is… #10, and I swear, right, was: “Why not both come out of a window?” Why? Ready? And it didn’t even say make sure it’s not a ground floor window! Morning! No, this is #70, #90’s there. I think they’re out. And that leaflet… This is a confession, this is a confession… That leaflet must have affected me, and that was ten years ago. Last summer I was walking down Old Compton Street. It was about 10:00 at night and just before I got to Mamma Mia a pigeon shat on me. Obviously a pigeon. Then I went: What did I expect to see? Two going, “Got him!” That is the best leaflet of all time, isn’t it? But a serious message. I think the last successful protest was to bring the gay age of consent down to 16. It’s what I was talking about earlier… It forces the hand of democracy, being heard, and there was millions of people in that march saying, “This is what we want. We want the law changed. And the government, it was 1997, they said, “Yeah, if that many people want it, that’s a referendum.” They changed the law and they brought the gay age of consent down to 16. I didn’t see many 16-year-olds on the march. It was mainly 42-year-old men with leather trousers, shaved grey hair, and backpacks, but… 16-year-olds are busy, doing homework or watching it on telly probably, going: “We’re gonna get buggered.” No mothers on the march. No 55-year-old women going: “What do we want?” “For our sons to get done up the ass!” “When do we want it?” “Well, soon, before they’re 17, please!” But I don’t think it matters who fights for your right to take it up the ass. At this point I just want to make sure we’ve covered gays and nazis. Good. Ok, we can move on. Gays and nazis… But enough about the Conservative Party. Satire. They have had their fair share of sleaze, haven’t they, the Conservative Party? And not like… I mean, all parties get a little bit of sleaze, but it’s not like cool stuff, like Labour, like punching a farmer or having two Jags. Do you remember that Conservative MP, Stephen Milligan? Found dead with a noose ’round his neck, amyl nitrate-laced orange in his mouth, bag on his head, ladies’ tights. I’ll be honest: I think he was wanking. But again, freedom to do what you want as long as you don’t hurt anyone. I mean, he hurt himself, he went too far, accidentally strangling… You know, that is the problem with the old asphyxia-wank. You’ve gotta do it just right or you go too far and you actually die and then your wanking days are over. So, you know, if I was into that, wanking it to an inch of my life, wearing ladies’ tights and sucking oranges with a bag on me head, I’d have a close friend, I’d just say, listen: I love nearly killing myself whilst wanking, wearing all this stuff… If I actually get it wrong one day and accidentally kill myself, come ’round, leave the noose, and get rid of all that other stuff. Just say it was suicide. And how do they know they’re into all that? How do they first…? Was he getting ready one day, and he’s tying his tie, went a bit tight, went… Fucking hell! And when they do that and they nearly die, and they survive, then they’re swinging there when they finish and they get a glimpse of themselves in the mirror, do they ever go: What the fuck am I doing? The first apocryphal tale or urban myth I ever heard was about masturbation. Not surprising, you hear those sort of things when you’re 14, 15. And that is a 14-year-old boy’s main pastime. And it was told to us by a guy called David Beasley. I talked about him on my “Animals” show. He’s the one that said: If you get captured by cannibals, they show you pornographic pictures so you get an erection and there’s more meat. And usually urban myths start with “A friend of mine,” right? Not this one. He said: “I was wanking the other day, lads.” Go on… He said, “I was on my bed at home” “and I was naked,” “and I had my eyes shut, and I was listening to music, I had my headphones on.” “And when I’d finished,” “I opened my eyes, and my mum had been in and left me some tea and biscuits.” David? Deaf… Oh dear. There’s my firstborn. Whacking away like a little monkey, isn’t he? Very proud of him, very proud… If he carries on like that, he’s gonna come! I better leave this, so he knows his mother saw him. Think of that! Your mother walking in on you furiously masturbating. The other way ’round is worse. But we believed that at the time. I think he believed it. He told me another story which I have no reason not to believe. He said his brother was going for a job interview and he had to change trains at Crewe. And he was on the platform of the train and he shat himself. As you do. Just filled with diarrhea. And he thought, “Oh, for fuck’s…” And he had to make the interview. So he looked, he had ten minutes, before the train. And he looked close by, he saw a Millets. So he scrouched over to Millets and went in, and went, “Quick, mate. Levis, 36!” Got the bag, made the train, went straight to the toilet, locked himself in, opened the bag, took his trousers off, took his pants off, poked them out the window, cleaned himself up, flushed it all away, opened the bag: It was a jacket! And when he told us that, we were going: “Oh fuck, what would you do? What would you do?” And my mate, Bob, trying to be cool, went: Just cut the corners off the carrier bag. Are you gonna still make the interview then? Morning! Oh that? Shat myself! What’s the pension scheme like? – Made the interview? – Yeah, phew… Thank God for a carrier bag to hide my awful. Unbelievable. There are more drastic forms of protest though than marching and leaflets. In 1963, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, as a protest against the Vietnam regime, went out into a public place set himself alight and burned to death. Did no good, ’cause that’s not a threat or a deterrent. If a little monk comes up to you and he goes, “You better stop all those things you’re doing.” “Otherwise I’m gonna set myself alight.” You’re going to set yourself alight? Fill your boots, mate. Then no one cared and I bet you don’t even know his name, do you? I do. I’ve looked it up. Absolutely true. His name was Thich Quang Duc. Or crispy duck, to his mates. John Lennon, a less drastic form of protest against the Vietnam War: The famous sleep-in. He stayed in bed for a week with Yoko Ono, and that was it. And people were going, “Brilliant.” Genius, that’s excellent. I bet that little monk was fucking gutted! Hold on, what? Burn yourself to death or shag Yoko? I love it when rock stars get involved, I absolutely love it. The political song: Look out, mate, he’s got a guitar! He’s saying what he thinks… in C. It’s ok when it’s people like, you know, Bob Dylan, but I love it when pop stars have a go. Do you remember Culture Club’s classic? They’d been singing “Karma Chamaleon” for too long and they came up with “The War Song.” And in that, they go: War, war is stupid And people are stupid How’s that gonna change your mind? I mean, if you’re into war, you’re loving war, you love it, it’s your favorite thing… I mean, you’re in a plane, you’re gonna bomb the shit out of a country, I can’t wait to get there, I love bombing people. Oh, nearly there. Put the radio on. War, war is stupid And people are stupid We’re going home. Boy George there… He piled on the pounds when he gave up the smack, didn’t he? There’s a fable there, kids. Every action has a consequence. Billy Joel, after singing things like “Uptown Girl,” he then revealed his classic, his protest song against the world. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” And in that song, he… it’s basically a list in chronological order from 1949 to 1989. And he just mentions six to eight things in each verse. I’ll just read it, he goes: Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe That’s not a song! That’s a conversation with Rain Man! I think the first protest song that actually made a difference was, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” And particularly poignant to us in Britain because we used to own and run Africa. And then the end of the ’50s, they won independence, and slowly we started giving it back to Africa. By the end of the ’60s it was totally Africa-owned and Africa-ruled. Of course, in the ’80s we get a phone call… Thatcher answers. “Hello?” – Hello, it’s Africa. – What do you want? We’re all starving and that. Give me that phone! You should’ve thought of that before you wanted independence! Yeah, we didn’t know there was going to be a drought. Drought? I’ll give you a fucking drought… In the long, hot summer of 1976 we had a hose pipe ban in Reading. My poor mum having to make loads of journeys with a bowl of water for the lawn, under the cover of darkness, with her back. We’ve all got fucking problems, mate. Drought… And there was a government advert at the time that said: “Save water. Have a bath with a friend.” Which I did. I say “a friend,” he was more a friend of my Granddad’s. Ten quid’s a lot to a kid in Reading. We used to call him Granddad Charlie actually. He wasn’t our Granddad, he was just an old bloke who used to live across the road from us and used to always come ’round to play with us whenever he saw our parents go out. What? Lovely old man. He used to play with us. He taught me to wrestle. And… what? Lovely old man. Lovely old man, old Granddad Charlie. And he used to do magic tricks. Oh, it was great. And he used to have a magic hat and he used to sit down and put the magic hat on his lap. And he’d show us there was nothing in it. There was nothing in it. And he’d put the magic hat on his lap, and we couldn’t tell our parents, ’cause it’d stop the magic. I think that’s how it works. We were only little. And we used to have to queue up with our eyes shut and all take turns in feeling the little rabbit in that hat. Whenever it got to me it was scared stiff, poor little thing. And it was always in a bad way, didn’t have any ears or any fur. Poor little thing. I made it sick once! It’s not true… There is no Granddad Charlie. I wasn’t abused. And if I was, I’d save it for my autobiography. That’s the way to do it. So, anyway. Thatcher on the phone to Africa, goes: Look, I can’t come myself, but I’ll send you… …lead singer of the Boomtown Rats? He’s not doing anything. – They went, alright. – Yeah, don’t call again. See, the protest song about the greatest living African is The Special AKA’s “Free Nelson Mandela.” That’s what they said. They said, “Free Nelson Mandela,” and it worked, because like that, six years later he was out anyway, so… Incarcerated for a quarter of a century, Mandela. Released in 1990, so he’s been out about 14 years, now. And he hasn’t reoffended, so I think he’s going straight. Which shows you prison does work. I came here to change attitudes tonight, and I think I’ve done that. I want to leave you with something now to show that knowledge is power. It’s a true story actually. We were talking earlier about third-world sweatshops, and they really are awful places. And there’s women and children that are abused, and they literally get a few pence an hour and it’s for big conglomerate companies to make billions of pounds. And I was shopping with a friend of mine a couple of years ago. His name is Rob, and he had a sudden death in the family and he had to get a suit for the funeral. And he was in a band, he was on the dole, he didn’t have a suit to his name. We went to these sort of cheap places in Oxford Street and one bloke said, “I’ve got a lovely suit. 29 pounds.” And I thought, what is this going to look like? I couldn’t wait for him to have to buy this suit. We went over to it, and it was alright! And I was gutted. It was a classic sorta dark suit, and it was nice. It had an electric blue, sort of satin lining. He was made up. So just to piss on his bonfire, I said, well, if it’s that cheap and it’s that well-made and it’s not on a sale, it means someone’s been exploited. He went, “What?” And I went, “Yeah, it’s awful. Women and children exploited…” You’d just be adding to the problem, right? And he didn’t buy it. And he went and sold a guitar, at the record and tape exchange, and bought a suit for 150 quid. And I felt bad, but then I thought: Well, I was probably right. They probably have used like really awful, cheap labor. And so, just by doing that, even though it’s one person’s little change, if everyone changes, then we can all, you know what I mean, make a difference. Still, 29 quid though… Thank you very much. Thank you. Has everyone heard of Karl Pilkington? Yeah… He’s my producer, on my radio show. For those who haven’t heard of him, he’s a guy-talking about attitudes-he’s a man whose attitude hasn’t changed from about the age of 5. He’s from Manchester and you can ask him anything and he’s got an opinion on it. It’s usually rubbish but… Right. An example, ok. I tell him about how I’m doing this show. I said I’m doing a show called “Politics.” He went, “Why?” And you can’t answer it. And he said, “You wanna talk about that David Blunkett?” I went, “Why? What’s he doing?” He went, “Oh, he’s up to his old tricks again.” “He’s only gone and banned people having sex in public, hasn’t he?” And I went, “Well, yeah, but surely that’s a good thing, Karl.” And he went, “Yeah, but would he have done it if he could see?” It is a twisted logic. We once-on air, this was-we were talking about blind dates, have you had a blind date. And halfway through, Karl just piped up and went, “I went on a blind date once.” – Really? – Oh yeah. – What’d you do? – Went for a drink and that. – Was she nice? – Yeah, she was really good, really fun. It was great. – Did you see her again? – No. – She had a problem with her marrow. – A what? – She had a problem with her marrow. – Her bone marrow? Oh. Yeah, she had a wasting disease. So I thought, what’s the point? On air! And so, flustered, I went, “Oh, Karl, if she’s listening you’re for it!” He went, “She’ll be dead by now.” Unbelievable. I’ll just tell you one more before I go, one more. This was last year, during Wimbledon week. Again, on air, he said: Did you watch any of Wimbledon last night? I went, “No…” “They let some little wheelchair fellows have a go on Centre Court.” Little wheelchair fellows! No irony. And I went, “Alright, yeah. Any good?” “No, they were rubbish.” I went, “Why?” He went, “They couldn’t get a rally going.” And I went, “Well, Karl, to be fair, they’re in chairs, on grass…” He went, “Don’t put it on telly then.” And I… On air! And I went, “Oh wow. Everyone’s entitled to be, you know…” “Yeah, well let them do something they can do, then.” And I-foolishly-I went, “Like what?” And he said, “Swingball.”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anjelah-johnson-not-fancy-transcript/

Not Fancy was filmed at the City National Grove in Anaheim, California. Anjelah Johnson talks about touring and prepping for her trip to Europe, her teen-inspired wardrobe (and jewelry collection), marriage and of course her family. The following is the full transcript of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anjelah Johnson! Oh, hi. It’s so cool. Look at us, guys. We’re here, Southern California. ♪ Hoo, hoo ♪ Um, I don’t know if you guys notice anything different about me. Hey, short hair, don’t care. ♪ Hoo, hoo ♪ I cut my hair, y’all. You know what I noticed? People judge you based on your hairstyle. Ever notice that? Right? ‘Cause I used to have really long hair, and I’d wear it in a ponytail every day ’cause I didn’t know how to do anything to my hair, right? So just, ponytail every day. So… people thought I was a lesbian. Hey, where all my lesties at? ♪ Hoo, hoo ♪ Thank you for coming. All my lesties. That means a lesbian bestie. Lestie. I wore my hair in a ponytail. Everybody thought I was a lesbian, right? So now I cut my hair short. So… people still think I’m a lesbian. I think it’s more than my hair that gives off the vibe, ’cause sometimes I’m a little tomboy, right? Like, I call everybody “bro.” “Hey, what’s up, bro?” Everybody’s “bro,” no matter who I’m talking to. “Hey, Anj, how was the movie last night?” “Bro. Bro, it was so good. Seriously, Mom, you should see it.” So good. Or, like, if somebody gives me a compliment, I usually just say, “Oh, thank you,” right? But sometimes I’m like, “Oh, for real? That’s wassup.” “That’s wassup.” Who says “That’s wassup”? I’ll tell you. Boys, lesbians and me. That’s wassup. I am married, though. Uh, to a man, to clarify. Um, and here’s the thing. My ring is fancy, right? My ring is fancy, but I’m not fancy, okay? I mean, like, my chandeliers? These are some fancy chandeliers, but I rented those. I mean, like, I’m not fancy. This is how fancy I am not, you guys, okay? I live in Los Angeles, so every now and then I have to go to these, like, red carpet Hollywood events where you get dressed up all nice and you walk the red carpet and they take pictures of you and they go, “Anjelah, who are you wearing?” “Oh, uh… Forever 21!” “I got these at Claire’s right here.” “They’re gold, but now they’re like rose gold.” I’m not fancy. Even on planes. I’m not fancy on planes, you guys. Like, my husband and I just flew to Europe. And we flew first-class, but it was like a fancy first-class where, like, everybody got their own private, individual, like, spaceship-type seat and there was all kinds of buttons everywhere. So I was a little confused at first. I was like, “Wait a minute. Uh… am I flying the plane?” “Uh, excuse me. Um… I didn’t do real good in school.” And, like, all I wanted to do was lean my chair back a little bit so I could relax while I was watching my movie, right? So I’m trying to find the “lean back a little bit” button. “Okay, that’s it right here. That’s good.” “I’m laying down. I’ll just sit up. It’s fine.” “This how rich people sit?” It was fancy. And they had hundreds of movies for us to choose from, right? We were going to Europe, so I wanted to be prepared for all I was about to experience there. So I decided to watch the movie, Taken. It’s a good movie. At one point, I leaned over to my husband. I was like, “Uh, babe… don’t get taken.” “‘Cause I ain’t gonna be able to find you.” Serious, this guy is so smart… Liam Neeson. He’s, like, the smartest guy in the world. You guys, if you ever hear about me getting kidnapped, don’t call the police. Call Liam Neeson, please. This guy is solving crimes from across the world on the phone. On a flip phone. He don’t got a data plan, nothin’. He’s gonna figure it out. Talking about, “Is the wind blowing to the east?” “Uh, which way the east, Liam Neeson?” If I ever meet Liam Neeson in person, I think I’m just gonna start crying… ’cause that means that he found me. Told all our friends we were going to Europe, right? They started warning us right away. Like, “You’re going to Europe? Watch out for gypsies.” I’m like, “Gypsies? What’s ‘gypsies’? Like Egyptians?” “Are they mad at us? Did we do something to them?” They’re like, “No, gypsies. They will rob you and take all your stuff, right? They got all kind of gypsies. They got old lady gypsies, little kid gypsies, sneaky squirrel gypsies.” My road manager Lauren, she used to live in Europe, so she even told me… She was like, “Okay, listen. If a woman comes up to you and throws her baby at you, don’t catch it.” I’m like, “Just let the baby fall?” She’s like, “Yeah, ’cause as soon as you catch her baby, all her gypsy friends are gonna stick their hands in your purse and your pockets and take all your stuff.” I’m like, “Da-a-a-ng! Well, that’s dedication.” Shoot, at that point I think she kind of earned my stuff. Right? ‘Cause, like, if you’re throwing your baby at someone, that’s straight dedication to the game right there. Respect. Right? ‘Cause, like, if she’s gonna throw her baby at me, she’s gonna trust that, one, I’m gonna catch her baby, right? And that, two, I’m gonna give her baby back. You know what I’m saying? ‘Cause, like, what if she throw her baby at me and I miss? Now her baby on the floor with a concussion. Right? Or what if she got a really cute baby and I don’t want to give it back? You know what I mean? Like what if it’s a half-Black, half-Asian baby? I’m gonna keep that one. But now I have the upper hand in negotiations, right? Like, “Oh, you want your baby back? Now you want your baby back. Give me my iPhone.” “You can keep my wallet. I’ll cancel my credit cards. I need my phone book contacts.” ‘Cause I don’t know anybody’s phone number by heart. You guys know people’s phone number by heart? No, right? Like, I know nobody… my mom, my husband… nobody’s phone number. If I’m in an emergency situation and people are like, “Hurry, give us your mother’s phone number so we can call her,” I’d be like, “Okay. It’s ‘Mom.'” “Right. What’s her phone number?” “M-O-M.” Let’s just hope they don’t ask me for my husband’s phone number. “Hurry, give us your husband’s phone number.” “Okay, it’s Pooky Boo Lover Buns.” By the time we landed, I was hyped. Like, I was ready to fight somebody. Right? Every time I saw a baby, I was flinching. Just, like, punching random strangers for no reason. I’d just finished watching Taken. I think everybody’s trying to kidnap me. We were checking in at the hotel. The guy at the front desk, he was nice. He was like, “Welcome. Would you like some help with your bags up to your room?” I was like… “No, gypsy.” “Hmm, nice try.” Our first stop was Rome, Italy. It was awesome, you guys. We went to the Forum, the Vatican, the Colosseum. And, like, this trip really made me realize that I should have paid attention in school. For real, ’cause, like, all I kept thinking was, “Man, if I didn’t cut class all throughout high school, I would probably be having fun right now.” I mean, but it was still cool. Even if you’re not a history buff, like, it was still pretty amazing. Like, ’cause I was standing there in front of the Colosseum, just really, like, almost emotional, ’cause I’m like, “Dang, I cannot believe that, like, right here, years ago, is where they filmed the movie, Gladiator.” You know what I’m saying? Like, Russell Crowe could’ve been right here. Poof! After that, we took an 11-hour train ride to Paris. Let me tell you, an 11-hour anything is terrible. To anything, like, even a massage. Everybody likes a massage. Go for an hour, maybe two hours. But 11 hours, your skin gonna fall off. And, like, I don’t know what I was thinking, ’cause we could’ve jumped on a plane and been there in like five minutes, right? But in my mind I thought it was gonna be romantic, right? I was like, “Oh, let’s take a train to Paris. It’ll be so romantic. Like, there’ll be a caboose in the back where they’re dancing, wearing flapper dresses, celebrating ‘The War Is Over.'” It’s not like that. If you’ve never been on an overnight train, let me just paint the picture for you. I almost died that night. The smell on this train was so bad, it literally almost choked me to death. Have you ever tried to hold your breath for 11 hours? I almost died. And there would’ve been nobody to charge in my murder. They would have been, “Oh, my God, who killed her?” “Smell.” “Smell killed her.” This is what it’s like. You get on the train, and they have cabins, and there are six bunk beds in each cabin. If you don’t buy all six bunk beds, they just stick some rando in there with you. So good luck, okay? So this is what it’s like. We get on the train, and in the first cabin there’s a Chinese family, then there’s a Haitian family, then there’s us Americans, and then there’s, like, an Italian family, then a French family. Like, there’s just all kind of different people, right? Like, it’s kind of like a buffet. Go with me for a second. Like, you know how sometimes you go to a buffet and they got the seafood and the Italian food, and then they got the Chinese food right next to the barbecue? And you’re like, “Wait, that’s too many smells. I can’t figure it out.” It was kind of like that, except it was like a two-week-old buffet. Yeah, it wasn’t fresh. And, like, I’m not really a diva, okay? I don’t consider myself a diva, but that night, it was questionable. ‘Cause, like, I just kept trying to find somebody that worked on the train. Like, “Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Um… can you point me into the direction where passengers can breathe?” “Yeah, similar to this, but preferably unscented.” “Oh, this is the only section? Oh, okay… ’cause we bought a first-class ticket and it’s not really a first-class smell.” “Okay.” “Just go back to my seat? Okay, thanks.” I felt like I was being human-trafficked into Paris. I kept looking for Liam Neeson. I couldn’t find him. When we got to Paris, we went to the Louvre. That’s where they filmed that movie, The Da Vinci Code. I kept trying to reenact the scenes, but they don’t like it when you do that. And the bridge that you walk across to get to the Louvre is, like, the lovers bridge, right? Where you go with your lover, you get a lock, you lock it onto the bridge and then you throw your key into the river, and it’s supposed to be like you’re locked in love forever, right? So we did that, but our lock came with two keys, so I threw one in the river. I kept one in my pocket just in case this fool act up. You know what I mean? Don’t play with me. Click. It was an awesome trip. My husband and I had a great time. And some of you may know that my husband is actually a Christian rapper. Yes. Uh, most of you probably didn’t even know Christian rap was a thing. Oh, it’s a thing. Yeah, it’s legit. Don’t get caught sleepin’ on that Christian rap game, homie. His last album went triple Pentecost platinum. Booyah. My husband is a Christian rapper, right? And I’m a Christian and I’m a comedian, but I’m not a Christian comedian. Let me explain. I don’t have jokes that are like, “So Matthew, Mark, Luke and John walk into a bar.” “Sinners.” It’s not my style. And, like, a lot of my comic friends, they always tell me, “Oh, you’re so conservative.” Right? And then my Christian friends are like, “Oh, you’re so edgy.” But, like, I just do me. You know what I mean? Like, I can’t be anybody else but me. Right? Just do you and do you well. You know what I’m sayin’? Like, I’ll tell you the truth. I love Jesus, okay? Yes, I do. But I will punch a ho. I mean, like, I don’t want to. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t want to fight you. Like, if you’re yelling at me, go ahead and yell at me. I don’t even care. You wanna say some curse words at me, say some curse words. I don’t even care. But if you are right here… in my face? Like, if our eyelashes… is braided together… I will cut… you. In the name of Jesus. We’re in Southern California, so there’s probably some cholos here tonight. I see you, Boo. Uh, recently I was invited to cholo church. It’s kind of like regular church… but a little different. Right? ‘Cause, like, at regular church they’re very warm and inviting. “Hi. Welcome to Christ For The Nations Baptist Church. Come on in. Two of you? Okay. It’s your first time here? Come sit up in the front, closer to the anointing. Up in the front. Two seats. Thank you. Two seats. Praise the Lord. Hallelujah.” It’s a different congregation at cholo church. The people at cholo church, the Lord has really brought them through some stuff. And by stuff, I mean 10 to 15. This is how the guy was giving the announcements when I first walked in to cholo church. “Yeah, what’s up, eh? Church about to get started. I’m gonna have to ask y’all to take your seats. If you don’t have a seat, one will be appointed to you.” “Yeah, what’s up, eh? You need some seats in the back? You need some seats? Sabes que, come right here in the front.” “Come right here in the front. What I say? Why you acting all scared for?” “Uh, you’re pointing at me with your hand shaped like a gun. It’s literally a handgun.” But this church was legit, though. I gotta give ’em that. They were straight-up. They were legit. Like, when I say you could see Jesus on him, I mean literally, ’cause he had Him tattooed right here. Straight dedicated. My husband and I been married for three years. Thank you. I’m learning a lot, you guys. I’m learning about marriage, I’m learning about my husband. One thing I learned about my husband is that, um… he’s not real handy. Like, he don’t really like to fix stuff around the house. It’s not that he doesn’t like to, it’s just that he can’t. And, like, to me, a guy who could fix stuff, like, that’s hot. Any ladies in here agree that’s hot? Right? That’s hot. Like, you could be real ugly in the face… …but if you could fix my plumbing… …and rewire some cables… …ooh, girl, that’s hot. My poor husband. He cannot fix an appliance to save our lives. I’m serious. If our lives depended on my husband fixing the microwave clock for daylight savings… …we are gonna die. But it’s okay, ’cause you know what? What he lacks in handiness, he makes up for in actual hotness, ’cause he’s real purty. Don’t hate. He’s real good-looking. He’s, like, way better-looking than me. Like, in our relationship, I’m the one with the good personality. Another thing I’ve learned about my husband is, uh, we don’t really like the same sexy-time music. It’s kind of important. ‘Cause recently my husband, he’s trying to set the mood, right? “I’m putting on some sexy-time music.” But to me, it sounded like a church song. I said, “Uh, babe, what is this?” He says, “A love song.” I said, “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’s a love song to Jesus.” “What we trying to do, get our praise on or get our freak on? What’s happenin’?” “You trying to multitask me? That’s what you’re trying to do?” Listen, you guys… I have some advice, okay? Take it or leave it. Whatever you want. If you are trying to have sexy time while listening to Pandora, upgrade to the commercial-free version, please. I mean, ’cause the last thing you want to hear is: “Hey, girl.” “Are you in good hands with Allstate?” Well, I was in good hands. But now I just wanna pay some bills. I remember our first emergency. I had to rush my husband to the hospital because he had kidney stones. – Aww. – I know. And I had heard a while back… Somebody told me the most pain a man can ever feel is kidney stones, right? So, like, I’m trying to keep that thought in my mind as I’m looking at my husband who is, like, hunched over in pain, moaning, groaning, crying a little bit. ‘Cause I’ll be honest, you guys. There were a couple times where I did think to myself, like, “Mm, you need to man up.” Right? ‘Cause my husband, he’s over here like… “Babe, it hurts! Babe, it hurts!” And I’m just like, “Babe.” “What’s wrong?” “What’s it feel like?” “Like a cramp?” “Is it like a period? “Oh, you want me to take you to the hospital.” “You’re funny.” “Just grab the heating pad.” Ladies, I tried to tell him just curl up in a ball and rock back and forth. It didn’t work. And the thing was, we were about to go to bed, right? And I wasn’t feeling well, so I had just taken NyQuil. So I’m trying to rush my husband to the hospital, dozing at the wheel. By the time we get there, he’s dying in pain, I’m intoxicated. The doctor’s trying to communicate with us, like, “Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on here? Um, who drove you guys here?” And I was just like, “Um… Your Honor?” “Can I say something?” “I drove us guys here.” “But I have an excuse. I’m on NyQuil. He’s just a baby.” So they admitted us both. It’s pretty expensive. Right now everybody’s talking about affordable health care, right? But, for me, my health care has always been affordable because my cousin June is my primary doctor. And, uh… Although June has never been to medical school before. She works front desk at a doctor’s office, so… she hears a lot. She wears scrubs to work. I trust her. Sometimes I call her for advice. I’ll be like, “Hey, June, I’m really congested. What should I do?” And she’ll be like, “Okay, this is what you wanna do. You want to get a cup of hot water, squeeze a whole lemon into it. One teaspoon of hot sauce, one teaspoon of pepper. It’ll clear you right up.” I’m like, “Okay, first of all, this prescription sounds delicious.” “I’m gonna be real honest with you. I’m probably gonna make some extra and eat it with chips later.” My problem was, I would take advice from anybody wearing scrubs just because they look smarter than me, right? I used to until I realized that there’s a store in the mall where anybody could buy scrubs. You don’t have to be a doctor, you don’t have to show a license, nothing. You just walk in, pick your favorite color, boom, Dr. Anjelah. So I’m gonna do it, you guys. I’m gonna go buy myself some scrubs, okay? I’m gonna use ’em as my pajamas. I’m gonna sleep in them at night. Then I’m gonna wake up early in the morning, throw on some tennis shoes, run over to Starbucks for my morning coffee where everybody keeps letting me cut in front of them in line ’cause they just assume I got off a late-night shift at the hospital, saving lives. Yeah. No, yeah, it’s a genius plan, you know, until there’s an actual emergency at Starbucks. Right? Could you guys imagine that? Some guy at Starbucks lying on the ground, having a seizure? Everybody’s looking at me like, “Oh, thank God you’re here.” Right? What am I gonna do? Tell him a joke, hope he laughs his seizure away? This is what I would do, you guys, okay? I would get in real low, right, so nobody else could hear me, and I’d just be like, “Um… excuse me. Sir? Hi.” “Okay, listen. Um… these are just my pajamas.” “Yeah, anybody could buy them. Okay, look, I’m not a real doctor, but don’t worry about it ’cause I’m gonna give it my best shot. All right, I got this. Everybody move back, please. Move back. I need some space. Everybody step back. Okay, you call 9-1-1. You, give me a skinny vanilla latte and a breakfast sandwich. You, I need a cup of hot water, some lemon and some hot sauce, stat.” Then I’d just start saying any word I’ve ever heard on Grey’s Anatomy. “Uh, you, uh, defibrillate his aortic valve.” Another thing I’ve learned, being married, is we’re not always gonna see eye to eye on things, you know? No, we won’t. And like, for instance, okay, there is a hierarchy in the Latino culture. We don’t talk about it, but it’s there. There’s all kinds of different Latinos, right? Mexican, Puerto Rican, Salvadorian, Cuban, Colombian, Dominican, blah-blah-blah-bian, bleh-blah-blah-bian, bleh-bleh-bleh. All kinds of us, right? And, like, my husband, he’s Puerto Rican, okay? Any Puerto Ricans here tonight? Hey. All seven of California’s Puerto Ricans came out tonight. My husband, he’s Puerto Rican, right? So he thinks Puerto Ricans are at the top because they have J. Lo. All right. We get it. Team Puerto Rico: one point. Well played. Me, I’m Mexican, okay? Any Mexicans here tonight? So, pretty much everybody else. Okay. I’m Mexican, so I think Mexicans are at the top because we have the best food. These are just facts, you guys. Google it if you want to. We’re not even, like, the best in the Latino foods. Like, we jumped into regular food category. You know what I mean? Like, ask any of your friends what their favorite food is, and nine out of ten times they’re gonna go, “Oh, uh, favorite food: pizza, Chinese and Mexican.” They don’t say Latino. “Oh, I like Latino food. All-encompassing Latino food.” Nah, bro, they say Mexican. That’s wassup. I mean, for the most part, people don’t even know the difference between us. They think all Latinos eat Mexican food. Ask any random white guy, “Hey, name a Latino dish that is not Mexican.” “Uh, fa-jee-tahs.” No, that’s Mexican. “Kay-suh-dill-uh.” No, that’s also Mexican. “Nacho Bellgrande.” That’s American. Nice try. Team Mexico: one point. I may think Mexicans are at the top, but I’m not the top Mexican. I still don’t speak Spanish. I know. I wish I did. Any other Latinos here that do not speak Spanish? Where you at? See? I’m not the only one. Air fives. Where the Latinos that do speak Spanish? Where are you guys at? Oh, congratulations. You’re better than us. I bet you put it on your résumé, too, huh? “Bilingual, Spanish and English. Happy face, happy face.” Well, good for you. Felicidades. I wish I spoke Spanish. I got Rosetta Stone. I’ve had it on my computer since 2006. I’m still on level one. Caballo, caballo, caballo. Bicicletas son verdes. Bicicletas son verdes. This is why I’m still on level one, you guys. Every time I hear that little computer lady say, “Bicicletas son verdes,” it sounds real rhythmic, like a song. “Bicicletas son verdes.” So I just keep pressing the button. Over and over. Bicicletas son verd… Bicicletas son verd… Bicicle… Bicicle… Bici… Bici… Bici… Bici… ♪ Bicicleta ♪ ♪ Bicicleta ♪ ♪ Caballo ♪ ♪ Caballo, er, er, er ♪ ♪ Caballo ♪ So I’m still on level one. I’m not really learning Spanish, but I do have a new favorite song. “Bicicletas Son Verdes.” ♪ Pa-pa pom-pom ♪ A lot of times people just assume that I speak Spanish, right? They’ll just start saying Spanish words at me really fast. And I don’t wanna come out right away and be like, “Whoa, whoa, wait. I don’t speak Spanish.” Right? ‘Cause I’m ashamed of myself. So what I do is I just like to go along with the conversation as long as I can. And then, like, at the end, I just give them like a go-to Spanish phrase like, “Ay, qué bueno.” But it usually has nothing to do with what they’re talking about. So they’re just like, “Huh?” “Claro que sí. Claro.” “No? No claro? Okay. Well, I haven’t learned that song yet.” I still don’t have kids. I still don’t want kids. But I baby-sit a lot. I do. I baby-sit. My friends always ask me to baby-sit their kids. The one person in the group with no actual parenting experience. You know what? I learned that kids are smart. And by smart, I mean manipulative. They know how to get what they want. They know how to get out of trouble. “I run this house.” And they do. They run the house, right? Like, I was baby-sitting my godson Elijah, right? He’s four years old, right? He wouldn’t eat his dinner. I said, “Elijah, eat your dinner.” He just grabbed his food, put it up to his mouth, and then he put it back down. I said, “Uh, Elijah, I can see you. I’m a real person.” “You’re not eating your dinner.” He goes, “Yes, I am.” I said, “Elijah, I’m gonna call your mom. I’m gonna tell her you’re not eating your dinner.” You know what he said to me? He goes, “Okay. Can you tell her I’m thirsty, too?” What a jerk. I said, “Uh, I’ll tell her why I spanked you. I’ll tell her that, huh? Oh, your mom doesn’t do spanks? Well, she’s not here, is she?” And that was the last time I baby-sat him. Yeah. And my sister just had a baby last year. He’s so cute, you guys. Cutest baby in the whole wide world. I know I’m biased because he’s my nephew. But then there’s actual facts that you can Google. So… He’s so cute, you guys. He’s half Vietnamese, half Mexican. He’s a little Vie-xican. And he has the whitest name ever… Austin Reed Williams. Ay, que guero. I know we didn’t start off very Latino with “Johnson,” right? But my brother-in-law, who’s Vietnamese, he was adopted by an all-American white family, and that’s how he got the last name “Williams.” Like, he was born in Vietnam, they put him on a plane, flew him to America, and now he’s white. I’m serious. He’s the only Vietnamese person I know that listens to country music, chews tobacco and goes hunting on the weekends. He considers his camouflage shirt to be his “good” shirt. Oh, yeah, he has embraced ‘Merica. He’s Vietnamese, super white, and he married a Mexican. He’s all kinds of confused. And the crazy thing is, he speaks better Spanish than my whole family does. ‘Cause he works in construction with real Mexicans. My family‘s very Mexican-American, okay? We speak very little Spanish. My in-laws are super Puerto Rican. They speak very little English. But they try, okay? They try. Like, my mother-in-law will call me sometimes. She’ll leave me a message on my voice mail like, “Hola, mami. It’s your mother-in-law. Eh, call me.” So sweet. They’re super Puerto Rican. Like, they should win Puerto Rican Of The Year award. No, they’re really good at it. Like, I don’t know how they do it, but no matter what they’re talking about in any conversation, they can seamlessly bring up Marc Anthony. You can have a conversation with my father-in-law. He’ll be like, “Hey, the Yankees, they’re gonna be good this year. But if not, it’s okay. Marc Anthony, he gonna do a special on TV. I’ll record it for you.” My mother-in-law is very traditional, okay? She likes to drink her Pilon coffee, watch her stories, make room on the wall for another Puerto Rican flag somewhere… Or coasters, or a bath mat, or a clock. Puerto Rico everywhere. And she likes to keep up with us in our busy lives, right? So we taught her how to use Instagram and Facebook. I’m sorry, “Fay-book,” um… Which is great, ’cause now sometimes I’ll be going through my comments from people. They’ll be like, “Hey, love your videos. When are you coming to Michigan?” “Hey, we were at your show last night. Had a great time.” “Hola, mami.” “It’s your mother-in-law. You look too skinny in that picture.” “Eh, call me.” So sweet. Now that’s she’s on social media, she loves to watch my every move. Everything I do. Like, remember when everybody was doing the ALS ice bucket challenge? Right? Well, I did one too, right? So I posted it on Instagram. My mother-in-law calls me the next day. She goes, “Anjelah, I seen you ice bucket video… pero I didn’t see no ice.” But she’s really proud of us, too. Like, she’s super proud. Like, anytime we’re in a newspaper or a magazine, she’ll cut it out, put it in a frame, put it on the wall, right? Super proud. And recently I noticed that she’s started printing out our Instagram photos. So now, if you come over to my in-laws’ house and you look on the wall, you’ll see a family portrait from the 1980s, a picture from my wedding day, and my lunch from eight months ago. Hashtag “foodie,” hashtag “nomnom.” She’s learning. I’m getting older, you guys. I’m getting older. I mean, we all are. We’re all getting older. But it’s about me right now. I’m getting older, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like I’m getting older, but I am noticing myself starting to do older things, okay? Like, I’m noticing, like, the questions that I ask nowadays are like old people questions. Like, “What time is breakfast?” “Do you accept coupons?” You know, stuff like that. And, like, my friend went to a wedding, right? And I feel like young people would ask questions like, “Oh, you went to a wedding? Was it fun? Was there an open bar? Did you meet anybody?” Right? Like, stuff like that. Me, I ask questions like, “Oh, you went to a wedding? Did they let you take the centerpiece home?” “How about the food? What kind of food did they serve? Was it, like, buffet-style? It’s the best. How about parking? Was it valet? Self-park? Ugh! Brutal.” I think I’m getting older because I’m starting to give way too many details to things. Right? Way too many details. And I see my dad do that. He gives way too many details to stuff. Like I can ask my dad a very simple question. “Hey, Dad, are you coming to visit me this weekend or next weekend?” His answer should sound something like, “This weekend.” Or “Next weekend.” No, not my dad. No, you ask my dad that question, this is the answer you’re gonna get: “Oh, well, hey, I requested time off from my supervisor. He trying to tell me that I didn’t request the time off when I know I did, and then here he goes giving Diego like two weeks off. You’re not even supposed to have two weeks at a time, right? So I said, ‘Look, I’m gonna call my union rep, okay?’ Sometimes if you just say ‘union rep, ‘ they get all scared. So I said, ‘Look, I’m gonna call my union rep.’ And then he goes, ‘Fine, you can have your time off.’ But he almost didn’t give it to me, but then he did. But he almost didn’t.” “So… this weekend…” “…or next weekend? Too many details, Dad. You’re not invited anymore.” I think I’m getting older ’cause I hear people around me say things like, “Turn down for what?” And then I tell them what. “Turn down for what?” “Uh, it’s really loud.” “Turn down for what?” “You have work in the morning.” “Pshh! Turn down for what?” “You have three kids now!” “It is about that time. To turn it down.” ♪ Pa-pa pom-pom ♪ Anybody here ever do jury duty? Yeah? I had jury duty not too long ago. And we were one day into the trial, and all of a sudden I was released because apparently I am a terrible juror. This what happened. Um, okay, first of all, I don’t know if anybody here has ever been to the movies with your black friend, okay? And your black friend likes to talk to the movies like the actors can hear them. You know what I’m saying? Like, “Ooh, you better run!” “He right behind you!” He right behind you!” “He ain’t even runnin’.” It was a similar situation in the courtroom. This what happened. The first piece of evidence they put up on a screen is a picture of this woman’s face that’s just, like, beat-up, bruised, swollen. You can’t even tell it’s a woman, right? You’re supposed to see the picture, register it, and make a mental note. Well, I can make a mental note. I just have a hard time not saying my mental note. So the picture comes up on the screen and my response is: “Ooh, what?” “Oh, hell no! Da-a-a-ang!” “That’s her face?” “But that’s her face, though?” “Da-a-a-ang. Wait, wait, wait. Put it back up.” “Lawyer lady, put it up real quick, please? Oh, hell no.” “Uh-uh. Guilty!” “He did it.” “That’s him right there.” They don’t like it when you do that. Even the process to get picked to be on a jury is terrifying, right? And, like, I speak in front of people for a living. That’s what I do, right? But all of a sudden, because I’m in a courtroom in front of maybe 30 people, even I’m nervous, right? ‘Cause, like, the judge is talking to me, and I’m just nervous ’cause a judge is talking to me. I feel guilty for no reason. And the judge is asking me questions like, “Juror number 11, how do you feel about scientific evidence?” “Scientific evidence…” “I didn’t do very good in school.” “Uh, she said ‘scientific.'” “I feel like I should say a big word.” “Um… scientific evidence… is usually presented as factual evidence in cases where certain circumstances do not provide a level of authenticity that has been derived through process of elimination, having been determined in the petri dish…” “…to show you that, in fact, it is scientific.” “So… yeah.” Then the judge just starts taking notes, right? Two attorneys, they start writing notes. I’m like, “Uh, did I win that one?” Now it’s the attorneys’ turn. Now they get to ask me questions. “Juror number 11, earlier you said that scientific evidence was usually correct. I think that’s what you were trying to say. Do you have much experience with scientific evidence?” “Um… other than Law & Order: SVU…” “…no, not a whole lot.” Now she has to have a serious conversation with me about a TV show. “In these episodes of Law & Order: SVU, has there ever been a case where the scientific evidence was proven incorrect?” “Um… well, I haven’t seen every episode…” “…but there was this one time where Jennifer Love Hewitt was guest-starring. And she did a good job. I thought she did real good. It was like a new role for her. It was real serious. She had to cry a lot, so I thought she did good. Anyway, there was this guy. He would follow her to work every day since she was like 16 years old, but he would rape her all the time, like every day, every day, every day, every day, every day. And like, first of all, I don’t know how she didn’t see him, ’cause even I saw him right at the beginning of the episode. I was like, ‘Yeah, that’s him walking right there.’ But that’s ’cause, like, I’m real good at figuring stuff out like that. Typewriter lady, don’t forget to put that I’m real good at figuring stuff out. Anyway, they found some DNA evidence, and they couldn’t connect it to him, so then he got to go home.” “So do you still feel that scientific evidence is usually correct?” “Ohh. I see what you did. Wait a minute. Have I seen you on an episode one time?” ‘Cause I do watch Law & Order: SVU all the time, you guys. And it’s got me thinking that not only am I a terrible juror, but I’d probably be a terrible police detective as well. Because, like, they show these detectives… Olivia Benson, right? Yeah. Detective Stabler, Detective New Hot Latino Guy. Right? And they show ’em in these adrenaline-pumping situations, right? They’re chasing a perp down an alley. All of a sudden, they trip and fall. They just get back up and start chasing him again. Has anybody here ever fallen before? It hurts… you guys. If I trip and fall down, I’m staying down. For a while. Rubbing my knee. I will be the cop that calls in like… “Officer down!” “Officer down.” “Are you shot?” “No, but I need some Neosporin!” “Hurry! There’s little rocks in it!” To be a good cop, you have to know your north from your south, your east from your west. You’ve seen the episodes, right? “Suspect’s heading southbound on First Street.” This would be my call: “Suspect made a left.” “Uh, north or south?” “Definitely not to the right.” “Uh, in which direction?” “Towards McDonald’s.” They show ’em chasing this perp into a dark, empty warehouse, right? They have their gun out. All of a sudden, this guy just pops out of nowhere, and their response is: “NYPD! Freeze!” Where, like, my response would be: Boom! “Who was that?” But now he can’t tell you who he was. I’d probably be a terrible 9-1-1 dispatcher. God forbid you have to call 9-1-1… and I answer the phone. “9-1-1. What’s your emergency? There’s a guy trying to get in your house? Well, did you lock the door?” “You didn’t lock the door? Well, that was dumb, huh?” “I mean, like, you don’t watch movies or…” “No… Yeah, no, I’m sending the cops. They are on their way, but it’s gonna be, like, 15 minutes. You better find a hiding spot.” “And don’t get under the bed. They always look there first.” When I first started doing stand-up, I got kind of famous on YouTube for this joke about getting my nails done. Oh, you’ve heard it? It’s… It’s crazy ’cause, like, when this video first came out, I had no idea it was gonna blow up like that. Like, so many people have seen this video to the point where now I get scared when I walk into a nail salon. ‘Cause, like, I don’t want them to recognize me and then, like, cut my finger on purpose. But then blame it on me like it was my fault. “Honey, relak your hand.” “You want to wak your eyebrow?” “Uh, no, thank you.” “Honey, you need to wak.” “I lie your eye sadow. It look nice. Your eye sadow. Look down. Look down.” “I lie the sadow.” Now sometimes the girls that are getting their nails done, they recognize me. Like, “Hey, you’re the girl that does the nail salon…” “Mm, no!” “What, are you crazy?” Right? ‘Cause, like, one time I was getting my pedicure done, and the lady that was doing my pedicure, she said to me: “What your name?” And it wasn’t like your typical friendly greeting, like: “Hi, honey. How you do? How you mom?” It was different. It was very like: “What your name?” I said, “Anjelah.” And she goes, “That what I thought.” “Oh, shoot. Vietnamese people have YouTube.” I started getting all nervous. She could tell I was getting a little uncomfortable, so she goes, “Don’t worry, I don’t tell nobody.” “Oh, thank you.” Besties! People always ask me, like, “How’d you learn to do that accent? Who taught you how to do that?” Right? Well, I grew up in a place called San Jose, California. It’s the Bay Area’s Westminster, okay? So I grew up eating pho. Do you guys eat pho? Right? So I grew up eating pho. And I would put all kind of chili sauce in my pho… ’cause I’m Mexican. So I put all kind of chili sauce in my pho, and the lady that worked there, she would get mad at me ’cause she thought I was just playing around and wasting all her sauce. So she would yell at me. She’d be like: “Don’t put the too mut the sah!” “If you put the too mut the sah, you met the whole thing up.” “If you do the sah, you do the one tam.” “You do sah, no sah.” “Sah, no sah.” “Mah-mah say, mah-mah sah, mah sah, no sah.” “If you met the whole thing up, you don’t get to take back.” “She don’t get to take back!” And when that joke first came out, a lot of people loved it, right? But some people hated it… and I started getting hate mail from people. Aww. Yeah. Like, I would get a letter. And you could tell it was written by a Vietnamese person. ‘Cause, like, I would read a letter and it’d be like… “If I see you in the street…” “…you don’t want that to happen.” Oohhh! Then it started getting real crazy, right? I started getting death threats. One time after a show, this Vietnamese guy, he was so mad at me, he yelled at me, he cussed at me. But he didn’t cuss correctly. He come up to me real mad. He was like… “What the fut?” Real mad. F-U-T. “What the fut?” I was like, “Mm, sir, I don’t even know if that counts.” I’m Anjelah Johnson. Thank you guys so much for coming out to my show. I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you so much. Have a good night. * * * Further reading: Anjelah Johnson is unapologetically herself in new Netflix special – Review by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya for The A.V. Club Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy – Review by Anthony Damiao for EXCLAIM!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

SARAH MILLICAN: CHATTERBOX LIVE (2011) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-millican-chatterbox-live-2011-full-transcript/

– Five minutes, Sarah. – I’m just gonna go and have a quick snack. (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Millican. (Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to my show. Er, it’s much appreciated. I was gonna start off with a bit of advice. I’m not really very good at giving out advice. I’ll give an example of how. I was in a supermarket and I saw this young couple wandering around, and the girl said to her boyfriend, “Have we got everything?” And he said, “I think so.” And I looked in their basket and all they had was a bottle of rosé and a cucumber. And I just thought there’s no way they’ve got everything else they’re needing for a salad. And what I should have said is, “Lube, love. “That’s what you need. “Lube.” But I didn’t. She’s gotta learn the hard way. (Audience laughing) The bit of advice I’ve got is for the ladies in the room. I’ve discovered, as a woman, how you know whether or not you’re overweight. It’s during the throes of passion when your partner picks you up, whether or not they say “One, two, three” first. It’s my favourite joke. It’s getting less funny as the days go on. (Laughing) Thank you for coming to the show. The show is called Chatterbox, cos that’s kind of what I’ve always been. Talking was sort of the only thing I was criticised for at school. Er, I mean by the teachers. I was criticised by the other kids for loads of things. Something of a nerd. It’s really hard to believe, isn’t it? Oh. I think it’s quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That’s quite cool, isn’t it? Fuck you, teachers. Just hope the same fate didn’t befall the school bike. I had no idea that there was a film called Chatterbox, so I got in and I googled it. Such a film does exist. It’s American. It was made in 1977. It’s not available on DVD, which gives you a fair indication of the quality of the thing. And the film Chatterbox is about a woman with a talking vagina. So that man who came up to me… must have thought it was gonna be a live stage version. He must have walked in and gone, “That microphone stand’s too high for a start.” But I have managed to get a hold of the film on video, proper old school, and I’ve only seen the first two minutes but I’ve already decided that it’s brilliant. In the first two minutes, a man and a woman have sex, they finish, she says something like, “That was lovely.” That doesn’t sound very American, does it? I can’t really do accents. I’ve made it sound more Geordie than it actually was, haven’t I? “That was champion, pet.” That’s what I say after sex. Unless it wasn’t champion. I’m no fucking liar. So she’s relatively positive about the experience and then her vagina goes, “It was all right.” How many times have you wanted to say that? “It’ll do. “I’ll do it properly on my own later on. Don’t worry.” The women are laughing and the blokes are doing this. “This is gonna be shit.” But, I, er… It’s nice to be out among so many people. I do spend a lot of time on my own. I live on my own. I do like living on my own, though. When I first decided to live on my own… My mam and dad don’t really understand why people would want to live on their own. My mam said, “People only live on their own if they’ve got no friends.” And then my dad made me look up the word “hermit” in a dictionary. But my dad did give me some good advice when I was looking for flats. He said, “I don’t think you should get one that’s got a balcony. “Cos what with living on your own, there will be a high suicide risk.” Wonder if I should have been bearing that in mind when I was viewing properties. You know, “Is that oven gas or electric? “Is that light fitting really strong? “Can it hold a decent weight? “Ten stone?” “Fuck off.” “Eleven stone.” And a half. And then another fucking half. But I do, I like living on my own. Does anybody else live on their own? Give us a wave if you live on your own. We’ve got a nice lady here. What’s your favourite thing about living on your own? – The telephone. – The telephone? I like that you did that. Just in case, you know. It’s just the North I live in. It’s not, you know… the Dark Ages. The telephone. What do you… Did somebody not let you have a telephone in the old days when you lived with other people, you poor bugger? Did you live under the stairs? In what way the telephone? So I can speak to people. “So I can speak to people”, she said. No, I know what a telephone’s for, love. It’s gonna be one of those nights, isn’t it? Who else lives on their own? Give us another wave. Hello, flower. Nice lady at the back there. What do you like about living on your own, love? – Walking around naked. – Walking around naked. There’s a confident woman. It’s good cos I’ve got a friend who lives on her own. I said, “What’s your favourite thing about living on your own?” She said… “Whenever I do a massive fart, “I go, ‘Good girl’.” (Laughing) You can have that if you like. Lady at the back, er… – Is it a flat or a house that you’ve got? – Flat. And if somebody broke into your flat while you were in it, what would you hit them with? – Have you thought this through? – Not so much. No? Well, let’s have a think now. If you’re like… – (Audience laughing) – We’ve got to fix her. If you’re, like, in the living room, for example, is there something to hand that you could clobber somebody with? – Remote control. – A remote control, you see. Multipurpose. “I can watch whatever telly I like and I can fucking hit somebody.” I asked a lady recently and she didn’t know either. And I said, “What’s normally to hand?” And she went… “Empty bottles.” I said, “I don’t even think you’d notice if somebody broke in!” (Slightly slurred) “I don’t care who you are, shut the door on your way out, “cos I can feel a fucking draught.” My friend’s got a rounders bat down the side of her bed. Er… I mean for protection. Whoa. But she’s been told that that’s not allowed – it’s classed as an offensive weapon. She’s allowed to have a rounders bat down the side of her bed if it’s accompanied by something it would normally accompany. So now she’s got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well. And I’m the same cos I’ve got a massive knife and a massive fork. So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak, I’m champion. But I live in a flat as well, and the flat opposite mine has been empty the whole time that I’ve lived there, so I just never bothered getting any curtains. And I regularly wander around in just my knickers, cos I’m 35 and I don’t give a shit. And a friend came around for a cup of tea and she said, “Have you noticed some young lads have just moved into the flat opposite?” I said, “I hadn’t noticed.” She said, “Don’t you think it’s time you got some curtains?” As far as I’m concerned, if some young lads are looking at me wandering around in my knickers, I’m still the winner. Just wonder how long it’s going to be before they get fucking curtains. Look at me. (Laughs) Shoop! Please. But I think I’d quite like an animal at home. I think that would make the place feel a little bit more sort of cosy. Give us a cheer if you’ve got a pet at home. – (Cheering) – See, I’d quite like a cat. If I could have any animal, I’d probably have a cat. But I can’t have a cat cos my boyfriend’s allergic to cats, so I can’t have one. – (Man) Dump him. – Well, precisely, flower. We’ll split up and that’ll sort it out. Most people don’t have something to look forward to at the end of a relationship. “I can’t wait till he starts fucking other women. “I’m off to the pet shop. Fuck you!” But if I did get an animal, I’d have to be careful cos whenever I had animals as a child, I always loved them a little bit too much. There’s a name for people like me. It’s Hamster Squeezer. (Groaning) Look at his little face. When I was about seven, I had a little dog, and I loved it so much! Have you ever stroked a dog so hard you could see the whites of its eyes? When you stroke along its back, its little back legs buckle cos of the pressure. I do worry about my boyfriend. Cos I love him so much. Love him so much! (Shrill groaning) Look at his little face! – Is spunk supposed to be red? No. – (Audience groans) (Laughing) That’s a great reaction. The women are laughing and the blokes are going, “Don’t do that. That’s not fucking funny.” Now is probably quite a good time to tell you that I’m a lot ruder than I am on the telly. So brace yourselves. I tend to feel guilty as well. The thing I feel guilty about the most at the moment is the fact that I don’t give blood. Give us a cheer if you give blood on a regular basis. – (Scattered cheers) – A few. Could always be more. I think it’s the marketing that’s to blame cos I heard the advert on the radio, and the advert goes like this – “Would you like to save a life?” And I thought… “Not really bothered. “Do I know them?” But I’ve heard that you get a half-hour sit-down. Is that right? Yeah, and you get a cup of tea, is that right? – (Woman) Yeah, and a biscuit. – Oh. “Biscuit. “Did you know about the biscuits?” Who said biscuits? Where are you, love? Nice lady there. What kind of biscuits? What’s the best biscuit that they have at your place? – Bourbons. – (Man) Yeah! Bourbons, and somebody in the middle went, “Yeah!” Got a big Bourbon fan in tonight. So can anybody do… The Bourbon’s pretty good. Can anybody do better than a Bourbon at their blood place? – (Man) Club biscuits. – Who said that? Where are you, fella? Hello, fella. Do they have a variety of Club biscuits or just the one flavour? – I just go for the orange ones. – You just go for the orange ones. You’re not a hero at all, are you? You’re just going for the free orange Clubs. Excellent. Are we gonna get any better than an orange Club? I don’t know. – (Man shouts) – Who? What was that? – (Man) Party Rings. – Party Rings. Are you nine? (Laughing) Do they… Are they fanned out, like on a plate, all fancy? That’s what I’d want. Jelly and ice cream as well. That would… Party Rings. I haven’t had a Party Ring in years. Can anybody do better than Party Rings or orange Clubs? No, that’s it. They’ve got no… Sorry, I could… I could compete with the lady with the Bourbon, but I’m fucked against the orange Clubs. This is the sort of thing that we need to know. This should be in the advert. The advert shouldn’t be, “Would you like to save a life?” The advert should be… “Do you like sitting down?” “Bloody love sitting down.” “Do you like cups of tea?” “I love cups of tea.” “We’ve got Party Rings!” “Oh, if you’ve got Party Rings, “why don’t we see if you need some fucking bone marrow while we’re on.” (Scattered applause) I did a show in Manchester and a lady shouted, “At my place, if you pretend you don’t feel very well, “they give you a sandwich.” (Moaning) “Prawn mayonnaise.” (Chuckling) But I, er… In this job, I tend to travel, mostly around the UK. I’m from a place called South Shields. Have we got any North Easterners in? – (Scattered cheers) – Excellent. The loud women, hello. (Laughs) No, welcome. Thank you very much for coming. I mean, I’m from South Shields but I actually live in Manchester now, and I mostly work around the UK. Occasionally, I get to go abroad. I went to Australia last year for the Melbourne Comedy Festival, which was great. It was great until it came time to come home. When because of the “fucking volcano”, got stranded for an extra week, and you find you don’t get any sympathy off your friends if you tell ’em you are stranded for an extra week. My friend said, “You were stranded. “For an extra week. “In Australia. “Well, boo-fucking-hoo.” I said, “But listen to the word that you’re using. It’s ‘stranded’. It’s not a good word.” You could be stranded on the end of Brad Pitt’s cock and you’d want to go home eventually! I mean, after a week or so, obviously. For snacks if nothing else. I think that explains why his girlfriends are always so skinny. Doesn’t provide enough snacks. But while I was in Australia, I got a call from the fraud department of my credit card company inquiring why I was spending so much on my credit card. She said, “Can I check a couple of transactions?” And I said, “Of course.” The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal, and I had withdrawn the money, so that was all above board. The second one, she said, “You spent a ã102 in a place called… “Holt’s.” And I went, “Oh… “Um, yeah, er, yeah, that’s right. Er, it’s a chocolate shop.” And she went, “ã102!” And I went, “Yeah, it was for presents. “For me.” Cos I was nowhere near Brad Pitt’s cock. I did get a nickname while I was out there. I’ve never had a nickname before. I’ve been called things but that’s different, isn’t it? I think that’s bullying. My nickname is The Cake Pigeon. Cos whenever I walk past a cake shop… (Chuckles) Walk past. Whenever I press myself up against a cake shop, I go… (Coos) And because I talk about cakes on stage, sometimes people bring cakes to shows for me, which is lovely but can sometimes be a little bit weird. Some lady came up to me a few months ago at the end of the show, she handed me a small fruitcake and said, “This is for you.” And I said, “That’s lovely. Thank you. What a nice thing to do.” And she said, “I’m sorry it’s just that… “but it’s all we had in.” I said, “Have you been looking through your cupboards? “It’s not the fucking Harvest festival, pet. “You buy the ticket, you can just come to the show.” Which really pissed off the woman behind her who was standing with a tin of fucking peaches. But I have developed… People call it a muffin top if it hangs over your jeans. A muffin top. I don’t really like that name. So I’ve started calling mine my cake shelf. It’s nice, though, isn’t it? Cos it sounds like a good place to keep your cake. Somebody said to me, “Are you pregnant?” I said, “Only if I’ve been fucked by Mr Kipling. “And, yes, it was exceedingly good.” But I’m a bit of a… a bit of a worrier. I don’t worry about age any more. I’m 35. I’m past caring about age. I did worry when I was about to turn 30. I worried about turning 30. So I asked friends who were also approaching their 30th how it was going to affect them. One guy said, “It means I’m closer to retirement.” Which I thought was a positive way of looking at it. But my favourite answer came from a bloke who said, “I just need to make it to 34, and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.” But I was gonna say I worry about my weight but not enough to do anything about it yet. Although I bought a cross trainer, but apparently that’s not enough. Just to buy it. Although it’s in the spare room and whenever friends stay over, I have to move it into the hall and then back again, and I break a sweat and I think, “Ooh, it’s paying for itself.” I think the problem is just the fact that I eat whatever I like and I don’t give a shit. (Man cackling) Some people who are very similar to me in the audience. (Imitates man’s cackle) (Laughs) It’s probably the longest our mouth’s been open without some fucking food in it. (Imitates cackle) Huh! Exactly the same as me. It’s a fucking hobby. I was in a restaurant with my friend, and I said, “I like it in here cos they’ve got multicoloured food.” And she said, “I think you’ll find they’re called vegetables.” (Laughs) But I don’t worry any more about the fact that I can’t really see my fanny. – (Man groans) – Er… Just the thought of my fanny or all fannies make you feel quite sick, sir? Is it my fanny in particular or you’re just not a big fan of fannies? – (Inaudible) – You’re not a fan of fannies. I’ve got some cock stuff later on. You’ll fucking love that. I don’t need to see my fanny any more anyway cos I’ve got people for that now. Er, one person. “People” sounds bad, doesn’t it? Well, there’s two. It’s a job share. I can’t see my fanny cos of my belly, but I can’t see my belly cos of my tits. Hurray! As long as they stay, I’m all right. If they go, I’m fucked. Well, probably less so. I started buying women’s magazines. I bought one recently, cos on the front cover it said that some female celebrities had put weight on and they were now curvaceous. I thought, “Let’s have a look and see how curvaceous they are.” So I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said that she had “ballooned”. I repeat, she had “ballooned” to a size 12. Size 12. I’d give my right arm to be a size 12. My right arm might be a size 12! But in a moment of stupidity, I was letting it toy with me… be getting myself some thigh-high boots and sort of fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister, “Where would I get thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?” And she said, “Well, trannies must get them from somewhere.” I’ve discovered the most horrific way you know you’ve put weight on. I don’t think this is commonly known so I feel like I should spread the word. This happened to me in January, and it is genuinely upsetting. Where my boyfriend lives is a block of flats. Round the back of the block of flats is a car park. In order to get into the car park, you have to go through a barrier like an arm that lifts up… when it senses a car is near. I mean, I was carrying two big bags of shopping, but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206. But a friend of mine… Actually, I’m not going to call him that. It’s not appropriate. I’ll call him a male acquaintance. Let’s do that. A male acquaintance of mine with whom I have never had a dalliance… said to me, “You know what, if you lost a couple of stone…” I said, “The rest of this better be a fucking equation.” “If you lost a couple of stone, we could probably go out.” (Audience exclaims) I said, “Only if the couple of stone I lost was me fucking head.” (Cheering, whooping) I was on holiday with my boyfriend last year and he lifted me up, like in a romantic fashion. And put me down again, obviously. Um, in a different place. Otherwise that would just be weird, wouldn’t it? (Laughing) Play the guess the weight of the lady stall at the fairground. “Too fucking much!” And when he put me back down, cos I’d been reading Jane Austen on holiday, I came over all sort of… (Giggling) Like I needed a fan. And I said, “Was I, er… Was I very heavy?” And he’s supposed to follow the lead and say something along the lines of “Why, you weighed no more than a dry leaf.” (Gasps) Well, he didn’t. He went “Manageable”. But I found recently that I’m not very good at relaxing. I get… I get quite wound up. I’m on the go all the time. I’m a bit of a workaholic, to be honest. And when I get in from work, wherever I’ve been, I’m rubbish at that winding down bit before you go to bed. I’m quite interested in how other people relax. Nice fella in the front. How do you relax when you get in from wherever you spend your days? Is there something that you do to help you wind down? Probably sit down, watch TV. You sit down. That’s a good start, isn’t it? Just sit down. “Oh, I’m relaxed.” And you watch telly. What time do you normally put the telly on? – About 6:00. – About 6:00. Anything from 6:00 onwards, quite good for a few hours, isn’t it? When I get in from work, it could be anything from midnight to 4:00 in the morning. So, unless I’ve remembered to record something, I’m stuck with… fucking Babestation. If you don’t know what Babestation is, it’s a soft porn channel where on the screen is a relatively uneducated lady… I’m guessing. And, er… And she’s on the phone and across the bottom of the screen is a telephone number that you can ring, presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons. Although I don’t think there are any rules that say you can’t ring her up and chuck her a couple of sums and see how she gets on. I’d probably just give her careers advice cos I used to work for the job centre. “You’re very good on the phones. You could work for Orange. “They’re used to people ringing up and moaning.” So we’ve got telly watching from the fella at the front. Thank you. What about nice fella there in the nice blue shirt? – What would you do to relax? – Take the dog for a walk. Take the dog for a walk. So is it the exercise or the fresh air or a combination of the two? – Fresh air in London? Yeah… – Fresh air in London? Oh, yes, I forgot. Do you have to wear a little mask? Do you? No. Do you just go under a certain level and then you’re all right? What time do you go walking with the dog? Is it tea time? Four o’clock. – Tea time. – Three o’clock. Three o’clock. The specifics aren’t that important, love. We’ll come back to me in a minute, don’t worry. Three o’clock in the… So that’s afternoon? Cos I used to go… Like years ago, I used to go running. I know, fuck off, it’s hard to believe. Er… It didn’t last very long. But I used to go… I used to go running around the park but really early on. There’s a time, there’s a window that you can go. Cos it has to be before everybody gets up to go to work cos they’re the people that point and laugh. But after the dog walkers cos they’re always the ones that find the bodies, aren’t they? It is, isn’t it? It’s always that. It’s always… “Oh, found by a dog walker.” Thank fuck I went out after them. So I’ve got walking the dog. What else do we do to relax? Let’s have people shouting out. (Man) Self-gratification. OK, do you just tell yourself you’re brilliant or do you have a wank? Cos I did a show, er… I did a show in Birmingham, and I asked a man how he relaxed when he got in from work and he said one word. The beginning of the word sounded happy and midway through the word it just changed and sounded desperately sad. I said, “How do you relax when you get in from work?” And he went, “Masturbation”. I don’t find that very relaxing. Er… Am I sharing too much? I don’t find masturbation very relaxing cos I’m a bugger for multitasking. I’ve been known to put my tash cream on and go, “I’ve got five minutes, I’ll have a quick…” You make sure you don’t mix your hands up, though. (Audience exclaims) And, you know, you get it done on time, cos if you don’t you can smell burning flesh. Some people are genuinely appalled by that. And other people are going, “That’s a really good idea.” How do you relax? Shout out different ways. (Woman) Wine. It was a nonspecific amount as well. “Wine.” I don’t really drink much. Anybody like me who doesn’t really drink? – (Audience members) Yes. – Oh, they sound so sad. “We’ve gotta drive these fuckers home tonight.” Are we big drinkers? Cheer if you do like a drink. (Cheering) See, I’m not a very good drinker. I’ve had some quite bad experiences. I once went out with a friend of mine. She’s lovely, but her husband’s a bit iffy. And… Yeah, we went out for a few drinks. And the next day I was really ill. And I rang her and I said, “I’ve got no idea why I’m this ill.” We’d only had like two glasses of wine. And she said, “Oh, that’ll be Dave. He will have spiked your drink.” I said “Really?” She said, “Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed. “But I didn’t mind so much cos I got loads of hoovering done.” So you got telly, we’ve got drink, and how else do we relax? (Woman) Knitting. Yeah, where the fuck are you? Where are you? Knitting. – (Woman) I’m from Boldon. – You’re from Boldon. Hello. This means nothing to them but hello. – (Scattered cheers) – (Laughs) Oh, OK. So you knit. Do you just knit like a long… I imagine it’s just always scarves. Or do you knit actual things that you can force onto people as “presents”? Socks. (Cheering and applause) And it does actually look like a sock. Well done, lady. That’s what I’m doing. Oh! Have you brought it in case you were a little bit bored during the show? “Cocks. She’s talking about cocks again.” So knitting is a good answer. My friend said to me, “Have a bath. It’s a good way of relaxing.” I thought, “That is quite a good idea.” I normally have showers. I think showers are more time-efficient. But I still buy all the things you put in the bath – the lotions and potions and the bath bombs, all that sort of stuff. My bathroom looks like I’ve ram-raided Lush. The only time I ever have a bath is when I’m in a hotel, I’m on the road, maybe, and I’m in a hotel room. I’ve got a bit of time to myself. But I don’t take my lotions and my potions, cos you don’t, do you? Instead I’m stuck with time, but like an inch of shower gel/shampoo/fucking toothpaste. With which I’m expected to wash a 12-stone woman. I mean me. I don’t provide a service. “Come on in, Brenda. Get on the scales. “You’re all right. Go get your clothes off.” So, my friend said, “Have a bath”, so I had a bath and it was all right. It was all right. But I thought, “I bet I can make this better.” So I had a cup of tea in the bath. (Gasps) There’s something really satisfying about being the same temperature on the inside as the outside. I was in the bath the other day. I had a cup of tea. Had a bath bomb in. We all know what a bath bomb is. It just fizzes around and makes the water all smell nice and feel nice. My boyfriend was walking past and I shouted him in and he said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “Doesn’t it smell nice?” He went, “It does smell nice.” I said, “Feel my arm”, and I lifted it out the water, “Feel that”, and he went, “Ooh… “slimy.” So I relaxed for another 20 minutes and then it was time to get out the bath. But I still had a bit of tea left. And I thought, “I’m not going anywhere till I finish my tea.” So I just pulled the plug and let the water all drain out. And I ended up sitting in an empty bath. I felt a little bit beached. But it wasn’t altogether a horrible experience. Nobody was like spraying us with water trying to keep us alive. So I finished my tea and as I stood up to get out the bath, a tidal wave of water came from behind me. I was totally confused. I looked at the front and it was empty. I looked behind, still about that much. I had formed a seal around the bath with my arse. (Sighs) That wasn’t very relaxing. But I do sometimes struggle sleeping as well. Just occasionally, I have the odd bout of insomnia, and I thought maybe I’ll buy a CD, and get these CDs that have got soothing sounds and music on. I thought I’d get one of those, that might help us drift off to sleep. I noticed Paul McKenna has got a CD out, hasn’t he? I Can Make You Sleep. He’s a very confident man, Paul McKenna, isn’t he? It’s not “I’ll give it a bash.” I Can Make You Sleep. He’s also got I Can Make you Thin, which I had thought about getting cos it sounded like a challenge… for him. I Can Make You Thin. Can you? Can you, Paul? Bring it on, motherfucker. He’s also got I Can Make You Rich, and I thought, “I wonder if that’s his happiness box set – thin, rich, sleep, done.” When I first started going out with my boyfriend, I was living in a flat where the boiler was broken and it was freezing, and he sent a text saying, “If I was there, “I would make you warm, I’d make you come and I’d make you breakfast.” And I thought, “Now, that’s a fucking box set, isn’t it?” I’m not suggesting that that should be Paul McKenna’s next box set. I Can Make You Come. Can you? Can you, Paul? Oh! Fuck, he just did. He’s good. He’s good. I thought I was giving up smoking. (Giggles) I do a lot of driving in this job. I don’t find driving very relaxing. I get quite stressed behind the wheel and I bought something that I thought might help in certain situations. And what I bought was a Shewee. Now… – (Men groaning) – Some of you know what it is. If you don’t know what a Shewee is, it’s a little funnel ladies can use to have a wee standing up without having to remove any clothing. It’s quite practical, quite functional. Women use it for music festivals, or for going walking or hiking or that sort of thing. I bought it cos I got stuck in traffic. I wasn’t just like at the lights for ages going, “Come on. Come on. Fuck it. I’m just gonna piss myself.” No, I was driving on the M6 between Manchester and Birmingham and a lorry jack-knifed and there’s 150 cars stuck for two and a half hours. All the men got out of their cars, they all had a chat with each other and then they stood in a big, long line on the hard shoulder and had a wee and I was really jealous. So I got in, ordered a Shewee. It arrived. It’s pink, obviously. And I also bought an extension pipe. Cos I thought if that ever happens again and I get to wee alongside the men on the hard shoulder, wouldn’t it be great if I had the biggest cock? “Is that all you’ve got, love?” “Has anybody got a shoulder I can rest mine on?” But I’m quite practical like that. I’ve only been driving a few years, but when I first passed my test, my dad, who I get my practical side from, said to me, “Right, the following things you should always have in the boot of your car – “you need a blanket, “you need a flask, “you need a shovel.” And he’s right, cos whenever I’ve killed a man, I’m always parched. But I am quite practical, I’m quite logical, in some ways I’ve got quite a male brain, and in other ways, I’m quite girlie and quite feminine, quite emotional. To be honest, I think I’m a bit of a mishmash of the genders. I mean in a personality way. I don’t mean like, “I’ve got a bit of a knobble I can’t explain. “Does yours look like that?” My friend invited me round for tea. She said, “Come to mine, I’ll cook all your favourite food.” What a lovely thing to do, so of course I went. Couple of hours later, we’re sitting on the sofa putting the world to rights. And she blurted out, just out of nowhere, she blurted out, “I don’t think my lady parts look like other girls’ lady parts.” What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I realised the whole night had been a ploy. Favourite foods, my arse. “Come and look at my fanny.” I said, “I’m not looking at it. I’m not looking at it. “But if you draw it on a bit of paper, “I’ll have a look at that.” So she drew it on a bit of paper, and I drew mine as well, and we compared them. And they were very similar. She seemed much happier. She said mine was tidier. I don’t really know what that means. But I know I definitely don’t want to look at hers now that I know that it’s messy. But it could have been worse than drawing on paper. I could have just put some paint on and done a potato print. Sometimes wouldn’t even need the paint. Oh! (Audience exclaims) (Gags) (Chuckles) But what I’ve been doing with audiences is asking the ladies what’s best about being a woman, and the men what’s best about being a man. And then working out whether I’m more male or female depending on you guys tonight. It changes every night and it’s fun for you, but it’s ever so slightly terrifying for me. Let’s get cracking. I’m gonna write them down cos I’ve got an awful memory. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do we think… – (Woman) Always being right! – Fucking hell! “Always being right.” Where are you, love? – Oh, there you are. Always being right. – (Woman) Yeah. Wow. Are you in a relationship at the minute? – No. – Yes. You are? Is your partner with you tonight? – (Woman) Yeah. – Are you all right, love? Yeah? Always being right is a good answer. We need a couple more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? (Woman) Free dinners! Free dinners? – Where are you? – (Woman) Cos blokes pay for them. – Free dinners. – (Woman) Yeah. OK. – Who pays for the actual dinners? – (Woman) He does. – The fella? – (Woman) Yeah. OK. They’re not really free, though, are they, love? (Inaudible) Ah! (Chuckling) Hope that pizza’s worth it. Ah! Oh! Wow. And one more for the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Nothing. – Nothing? Did you just shout out “nothing”? Nobody’s ever said that before. Why don’t you like being… Are you, like, due a big operation soon, love? “I’m done, I’ve had enough. “I’m gonna get a cock.” Would you rather be a man? – Maybe. – Oh, you’re not really sure? So, you’re not… OK, I’m just gonna put “indecisive” down for you. Maybe that fella will buy you a dinner. – Then I would change my mind. – Then you would change your mind? Wow. Shallow as well. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do you think the best thing is about being a woman? (Woman) Tits. Hello, lady. “Tits!” How long have you had them? Quite a while. I got mine when I left school. I mean, that’s when they grew. I don’t mean like, “You’ve done quite well in your GCSEs. Have some tits.” “Tits” is a good answer. Thank you. And there was another lady shouted out. Are you upstairs or downstairs? The lady who shouted out something… Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love. I just said that we’re better at everything. That’s all. – We’re better at everything. – (Woman) Yes. I love that. One woman went “Yeah!” and the rest of you went “Oh, fuck.” “It’s gonna kick off now.” Better at everything. Everything! OK. Er, do any of the fellas wanna shout out something that they think they may be better than that lady at? (Man 1) Everything. (Man 2) Pissing through letterboxes. Pissing through letterboxes. We’ve got Shewees. We can fucking do that now. (Cheering) Maybe you are right, lady. Well done! (Laughing) And we need one more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Being psychic. – Being psychic. Oh, OK. Are you trained? No. Are you in a relationship at the moment? Yes. Is this… Oh. Oh, lovely… Hello, lovely lady. Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic? No, she’s not, is she? That’s cos it’s not real, is it? The reason she’s not is cos it’s not possible. Er… What do you think I’m thinking now about you? – (Indistinct) – That you’ve what? Got nice glasses. Er… Well, OK. Let’s go with that to make her feel better about herself. (Laughs) “That I’ve got nice glasses.” That’s brilliant. No, that you’re a loon is what I was thinking. Whatever. OK, let’s get some fellas. Nice fella here. You’re quite young. How old are you? – I’m 23. – (Man) Twenty-three. What do you think is the best thing about being a man, love? – Saturday football. – Saturday football. – Do you play football or is it watching? – Watching. Is it gonna kick off if you say who you support? Will it kick off? No, it should be all right. Should be all right. Are we ready? – Who do you support, love? – I’m an Arsenal fan. (Booing) I’ve had this answer before and I said to this fella… He said football and I said, “Will it kick off?” And he said, “I don’t know.” And it was exciting and the whole room was tense and it was in Liverpool, the sort of place where it might well divide opinion. And he went, “Hull!” And everybody in the room went, “Who?” Watching football is a good answer. Thank you very much. Let’s get more fellas. The fella who shouted out about pissing through letter boxes. – Is that your answer? – (Man) Yeah, that’s it. Nothing else. Nothing else? The best thing about being a man. “That’s it, done.” “Pissing through letter boxes.” I’ve got a Shewee now. I’m definitely gonna have a go at that. There was a… A bloke said the best thing about being a man was peeing standing up. I said to him, “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had a wee?” And I was doing this, and he went, “In a water bottle on a stage once.” Oh, OK. Let’s put that back. I’m very thirsty. It’ll be champion. So, thank you very much, fella. Let’s get some more fellas, best thing about being a bloke? (Man) Not being a woman. Is that you up there, fella? What did… Somebody said… Was it you? “Not being a woman?” What do you think you’d hate about being a woman? (Woman, indistinct) Not being able to wee at the side of the road. Yes, you just take things that have been said before and pass them off as your own, love. What would you hate about being a woman? (Man) Not being right. – Not being right? – (Audience exclaiming) It’s gone from being quite a nice answer to, like, a rally, hasn’t it? Bless him. She’s… Yeah. She’s just doing that “I’m sorry” face. “I’m sorry. I have this all the time. He’s a dick, I cannot help it.” Well done, lady, for putting up with that shite. You’ve taken him off the street so we don’t have to go out with him, well done. (Indistinct) We had another fella shout out, but I didn’t quite hear it. (Man) Orgasms. That’s the best thing about being a man? One at a time. That’s like, “Do you want that whole packet of biscuits?” “I’m happy with one biscuit. “I’ll come back to you in about half an hour and I’ll try for another biscuit.” His wife’s going “Ah, ah. “It’s fine, I can feed myself, love.” I’ve never made a parallel between orgasms and biscuits, but I like it. Thank you very much. Let’s get some fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Not having a vagina. – “Not having a vagina.” (Men, scattered) Ooh. I think some of the men are disagreeing with you. Which is quite an odd turn of events. Not having a vagina. I feel… You’re so against vaginas, sir, I feel like, you know, somebody should rub one in your face before the end of the show. It’s not gonna be me. Fuck off. I’ve got knickers on that go up to my bra. It would take too long. When was the last time you saw one? Like, on the way out. Yeah. – Was it on the way out? Maybe… – (Indistinct) – About 14? – Yeah. That was when you were born? No. That was when you last looked at one. – OK. – I have seen them on TV… You’ve seen them on TV? As far as I’m aware, you have to sort of seek them out on telly, don’t you? I don’t think it just pops up in the middle of, like, Crimewatch. Maybe it does. You’ve seen them on TV? Is your reaction much like whenever I do a joke about vaginas and you do that, “Oh!” Is it the same then? Do the noise that you do whenever you see a cock. What was that he… There was no noise. He just… He got so excited. No noise came out. (Gasps) It was almost an intake of breath, wasn’t it? Rather than a noise like a… (Gasps) Like that? Like when I see a big cake and nobody around. Not having a vagina. Thank you very much. Let’s get two more fellas shouting out best thing about being a bloke. – (Man) Reverse parking. – Who said that? (Audience exclaiming) (Scattered applause and cheers) It’s, like, three men clapping. “Reverse parking.” Reverse… Let’s test him. Shall we test him? There’s a lady in the front. “Yes. Test him.” Reverse parking. How long you been driving, love? (Man) About 30 years. 30 years. It was easier then, though. It was like horses and carts and that. (Laughing) And can you… Let’s test him. Can you… Can you reverse, like, in first time? – (Man) Mostly, yes. – Mostly. Oh, at least he’s honest. Mostly. Er… And can you… Er, let’s have a think, what else? Can you reverse around a corner? – (Man) Yes. – Fuck! Have you got any points on your licence? (Man) No. (Woman) Yes! Ooh! (Audience exclaiming) Relationships stand for fuck all when it’s men against women, have you noticed? “Yes, he has.” – (Indistinct) – Officially my favourite answer now. What did you say, love? Three points for speeding while rushing to help an old lady. (Audience groans) While you were rushing to help the old lady, you could have killed her friend. That would have been funny. Well… In hindsight. Maybe it’s not at the time. Thank you very much for your answer. – Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) No periods. – “No periods.” – (Low groans) Oh! (Laughs) Well, the women all hate you. That’s a good answer. Let’s get some more fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Having a beard. – Having a beard! Having a… Er, is that laziness or do you like the way it looks? – Feels. – Feels? You like the way it… Do you just sit at home and just… (Moaning) OK. I do this when I’m driving. People pick their nose when they’re at traffic lights, I do what I call feeling for beard. So I do that. Fuck, I’ve got one! I’ve got one! Fuck! Let’s get some more fellas. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Grindr. – Grindr. – (Clap) – Ooh, there was one clap. You might have found a mate. Do you want to explain to those who don’t know what Grindr is? (Man) It’s all right. Is that an app where you can find a gay man, is that right? – (Man) Yes. – Excellent. OK. It’s good that there was one other clap, though, isn’t it? I feel like he might have found somebody tonight. But chances are you probably already knew where he was and had sussed him out and decided you didn’t fucking like him. We’ve got more for the blokes. We need another one from the ladies. – Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasms. (Scattered applause) A small pocket of women are clapping and some of the men are going… “What? “Do you mean, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? “January, February, March. “2009, 2010…” Multiple orgasms. Okey-doke. Now let’s work out whether I’m more male or more female. This is ever so slightly terrifying. “Always being right.” I don’t think that applies to me. “Free dinners.” Fuck, no, I’ve got self-respect. Er… Tits. I’m with you all the way, love. So I’m gonna tick tits. Sounds good. I like that. Tick tits. I don’t think we’re better at everything. “Not having a vagina.” Well, I do. So I can’t tick that one. And reverse parking. Sometimes I get it in first time and I’m genuinely surprised when that happens. Nobody more surprised than me. I just pull in and go, “Ooh, it worked!” So I can’t tick that one. And I can’t tick “No periods.” I clearly can’t. I don’t mean clearly. Oh, uh… I mean, I have periods, but it’s not… Is it? No. If I walk ahead will you check the back of my skirt? And yeah, “Multiple orgasms.” Tick. I can now piss through a letter box. Awesome. “Watching football.” I’m not interested in football so that doesn’t apply to me. And Grindr wouldn’t really help me an awful lot, I don’t think. Beard. I’m going to tick that as well. It’s like a part-time job keeping on top of mine. You’re laughing, but it’s my life. So, I am one, two parts woman and… Oh, no! Two parts man. I feel like I should show you at least a bollock. I’ll tell you my favourite answers. My favourite girl answer. She wasn’t even a woman, she was a girl. She was 16. And she said, “The best thing about being a woman, “we can look at boobs whenever we like.” It was a good answer. She said, “Well, men have to earn the right to look at your boobs.” I thought she seemed awfully young to know about such things. I said, “Give us an example of something a man would have to do “to earn the right to look at your boobs.” And she quite simply said, “They have to be nice.” – (Audience members) Aw. – And it was a lovely moment, but loads of the women in the room went, “Oh, my God! She’s right. “We’ve been showing our boobs to bad men for years.” My favourite male answer is a man said, “The best thing about being a man is dicking things.” I had to have this explained to me. I didn’t know what it was. Dicking things is the act of hitting things with your dick. Two days after I met him… (Giggles) ..I met a lovely lady, and she said, “Do you remember the man who said ‘dicking things’?” And I said “Yes”. She said, “Well, he’s my fiancé.” I said, “Did you know about the dicking things?” “No.” She said she had to go over all the surfaces with a Flash wipe. I’ve only been doing stand-up for about six years. And before that, my life was quite substantially different. I was married and I had a job that I hated so much, I used to try and get knocked over on the way in. I wasn’t suicidal. Just a couple of ribs or a leg. Well, like I say, my life is quite different now. I spent some time with my sister recently and she said, “You’ve changed.” Ooh! You know that voice that they put on. The big-sister voice, that even though at 35 and 41 still frightens the shit out of us. “You’ve changed.” I said, “How have I changed?” She said, “You never used to eat peas when you lived with us.” That’s the kind of crazy lifestyle she thinks I’ve got now. I always get free peas everywhere I go. Obviously, we stay in hotels. When you’re on the road, you stay in hotels and normally quite reasonable ones, but sometimes I get put in quite posh ones. People put me… I’ve never… I’ve never been in a hotel room before that had a bidet. Has anybody else… Give us a cheer if you’ve had a go on a bidet. – (Cheering) – Where the fuck have I been? – Has anybody got one at home? – (Woman) Yeah. Shut up! Who’s got one at home? The knitter. You’ve got two bidets? Are they, like, side by side, so you can, you know, at the same time? Well, we bought the house from some Italians. Oh, well, that explains it all if you bought the house from some Italians. Well known for their dirty bits. You’ve got an upstairs bidet and a downstairs bidet? That’s amazing. Maybe you can answer this question, then. Cos I’ve never been on a bidet before. I know, I’m 35. Shut up. I said, “I’ll have a go.” I had a bit of time. Uh… But there aren’t any instructions and I didn’t really know how it worked. Maybe you can answer this question. Am I supposed to face the wall? No. Is that not right? I didn’t know. Is that not right? No. I didn’t know, but like I say, I had a bit of time so I tried it both ways. One way it was all right. The other way it was bloody lovely. By the time I’d finished you could eat your dinner off it. Of course, I had to go back on then cos it’d be covered in gravy. We don’t have bidets where I’m from. Just have damp flannels. But I’m never gonna get a bidet. I’ve got a flat with four rooms. I’m never going to get something that takes up so much space that I’d rarely use. Having said that, I have still got a cooker. I’m not very good in the kitchen. I know where it is, cos that’s where the biscuits are. I couldn’t remember the verb “to cook” the other day and I rang me boyfriend and said, “I’ve just ovened a pie.” But Jamie Oliver’s got these 30-minute meals now, hasn’t he? 30-minute meals, bless him. He still thinks we’ve got half an hour to do the tea. 30-minute meals, nothing to boast about. I can do a good spaghetti Bolognese in four minutes on high. In 30 minutes, I expect to have ovened it, eaten it, fucking shat it out by then. I tend not to see my friends of an evening, cos I work most nights. So I see my friends, we go out for lunch. I really like going out for lunch with my friends. Went out with one of my friends… She’s lovely, but she’s bit of a moaner. Went out for a nice meal, she complained about the food, so we had to send the food back, and I made some hilarious remark about how the chef’s now gonna go and wank in our soup. She came out with the best answer ever. She just went, “Oh, good. I haven’t had sex in ages.” Now, surely she doesn’t think that merely ingesting spunk… is the same as having actual sex. If only it was that straightforward when you can’t really be bothered. “Just bung it in a smoothie. I’ll have it later on.” Could be one of my five a day. I took my mam, dad and my sister out for a nice meal just before Christmas. And midway through the meal, my mam said, “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “What are we talking about now?” “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “Are you talking about a suicide pact?” And she went, “No. We’re not gonna call it that.” So, I sort of did the “What the fuck?” face at my sister. The… And she quite calmly just said, “As long as they leave me a letter explaining it, “cos I’m not gonna go to prison for them.” Just getting steadily worse. So I looked at my dad, cos my dad’s like the voice of reason in our family. And I said, “What do you think about this?” And he went, “First I’ve heard of it.” He did look genuinely gutted as well. Like he had massive plans for what he’s gonna do after my mam had died. When I was in Australia I missed my family terribly and I used to Skype them once a week. You know Skype where you can see each other through your computers? It makes home feel closer, I think, if you can see people’s faces as well as hear their voices. They’d sit around their computer – Mam, Dad, my sister – in a semi-circle, once a week. And at the end of every call, – they’d lean in and kiss the webcam. – (Audience) Aw. Which was lovely, but terrifying the first time it happened. Ahhh! I know my sister knows about computers. I know my dad used to work with computers, but I’m pretty sure my mam doesn’t really know how it works. I know that she definitely doesn’t know that I can still see her face even when I’m not talking to her. Cos I’d talk to my mam, then I’d move on to my sister, and I’d go, “How’s work?” And my mam would do this. I used to Skype my boyfriend as well and I Skyped him every day. And I work, you know, away from… There’ll be people in this room tonight who work away from home, and I don’t think it gets any easier the more you do it. I was in Australia for six weeks and midway through I just got quite flat and quite sad, and just really wanted to go home. And on one of those days, when I rang my boyfriend, when his face came up on the screen there was such a well of emotion in here, that the first thing I said to him wasn’t hello. The first thing I said was, “You’re too far away.” – (Audience) Aw! – So he moved the webcam. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I meant geographically. He just got the laptop and went like that. “Is that better, love?” (Chuckles) Bless him. But whenever I spend time with my sister, we always go shopping. Cos my sister’s a really good influence on me. For example, if I buy make-up I always buy cheap make-up. Cos if I buy cheap make-up, I can buy more make-up. That’s how my mind works. My friend said to me the other day, “I like that glittery eyeliner you’ve got on. Where did you get that from?” I said, “It’s from ASDA.” She said, “Really?” I said, “Yeah”. I said, “It smarts a bit, but it was only four pound.” But my sister said, “Why don’t we just buy one thing that’s good quality, “a bit more expensive and will last?” I said, “That’s a good idea.” So I bought a blusher. And you know how make-up, all the colours have names these days. My blusher’s called “Orgasm”. I said, “Why does it have to be called Orgasm?” Why can’t it just be fucking peach? I mean, “Peach”. Would be more fun if make-up was swearier, though, wouldn’t it? “I like your nail varnish.” “Thanks very much, it’s called Shitting Red.” My sister was determined to embarrass me in front of our parents. And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” I said, “Look, we’re 35 and 41. “Are you really going to reduce us to children?” And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” I said, “Right, shut up. I’ll tell him.” So I said, “Dad…” You gotta limber up for this kind of conversation. I said, “Dad.” He went, “Uh-huh.” I went, “My blusher…” (Sighs) “My blusher’s called Orgasm.” And he thought he’d do a funny joke and he said, “When you put it on does it make your face do this?” And I went, “Whoa!” “Whatever you’re about to do, you must never do when I am there.” God! I do… I like going shopping, but I don’t find shopping very relaxing. What normally happens is I go in a shop that I like, I try on some clothes that I like. Most of them won’t fit, and I walk out shouting something along the lines of, “Oh, so I’m an 18 in here? Well, fuck off.” And then I have to go and buy a handbag to calm down. Cos you’re never too fat for a handbag. (Applause) Although these days they’ve got those ones that have just got the short straps and they just go right under your arm. I think it’s just a matter of time before I have to get buttered out of a handbag. And I know what I’m talking about as well, cos I was once cut out of a dress in Monsoon. That wasn’t my favourite day. The lady said, “I’ll just go and get the scissors. “Why are you crying?” “Cos I’m gonna have to wear this dress for the rest of my natural life “and I don’t even know if I fucking like it.” I’ve been buying myself new knickers recently. Whenever I buy knickers, I always buy daft knickers. So they’ve always got like cakes or cats or stars or hearts or slogans, that sort of thing. Generally from a supermarket, occasionally from Marks and Spencer’s if they’ve got an offer on. Three for a tenner, try and fucking stop us. One of the supermarkets has recently had a range of superhero knickers. And they’re awesome. And I’ve got enough pairs now that I can be invincible for five days in a row. I rang my sister cos I thought she’ll want to know about these. She said, “What sort of thing have they got on?” And I said, “I’ve got some with Wonder Woman on and some with She-Ra on.” And there was a little pause, and she went, “The footballer?” I love that she thinks I’ve got knickers with Alan Shearer’s face on. I love a slogan on a knicker. I love a slogan on a knicker. Erm… The best slogan I ever had, it said, “I’d do anything for love.” And on the back, “But I won’t do that.” I mean, it was written on in Biro, but still. I went into Marks and Spencer’s recently to try some clothes on. And the same thing happens that always happens when you try clothes on in there. The lady took the clothes off us that I wanted to try on, she hung them on the rail, she gave us the tag, she swished the curtain. All very normal so far. But as she swished the curtain, her parting shot. She said, “Just give us a shout if you need any bigger sizes.” (Audience) Whoa. So I swished it back just as quickly and went, “I think you’ll find you mean ‘different’, you bitch.” While I was in Marks, I went to the lingerie department. In the lingerie department they had a stretchy, lacy, all-in-one kind of body stocking type of thing. Presumably for sort of sexy time. I can’t imagine any actual practical use. Maybe straining vegetables. And on the bottom of the packaging, it said, “One size fits most.” That clearly used to say, “Fits all”. You gotta pity the poor woman who had to go in and go, “You need to change your packaging, pet. “It doesn’t fit all. “It’s still on one leg.” But I told you I don’t have children. – Give us a cheer if you have got kids. – (Cheering) – And if you haven’t. – (Louder cheering) More energy, I like it. I don’t have children, and it’s by choice. I just don’t really like them. I’ve never been very maternal. Apart from the tiny kittens. (Grunting) There’s a reason right there. Shouldn’t have fucking kids. “I’m sorry, it just popped.” I think if you ask any woman who doesn’t have kids what would worry them about having kids, the answer would be childbirth. It’s a reasonable thing to worry about cos what you’re basically doing is you’re forcing a person out. That’s what you’re doing, you’re… forcing a person out. I’ve never forced a person out. I’ve forced a couple in. With a shoehorn. No, it was just my thumb. One of the reasons I’m not very good with kids, I was never around them as a child. I was always the youngest. My mam had my sister, then she had me, then she had her tubes tied. When she went to the hospital the nurse said, “Are you sure?” She said, “Yeah, we only wanted two. We got two. “We’d like to go ahead with the procedure.” And the nurse said, “What if one of them dies?” And my mam was like, “It’s not like I just want any two.” “Well, we’ve got a set of bunk beds. It seems a shame to waste one.” I do have friends who are mothers. Mothers do a brilliant job, don’t get me wrong. But the kind of mothers that I don’t like, and we all know one of these, are the mothers who have four or five children, and who think that you don’t know how to do anything because you don’t have kids. It can be the simplest of tasks, you know the sort of thing, sort of, “Well, I mean, I know how to open a tin of beans, “cos I’ve got children. “Don’t know how’d you know how to open a tin of beans, “cos you don’t have children, do you? “No. Aw!” “But I could probably open a tin of beans with my fanny, but I bet you fucking couldn’t. “With the ring pull as well.” I say that so you don’t think I’ve got a big jaggedy fanny. I was in the shop and this little boy came running over, maybe about five-year-old, came over, put his hand in mine and shouted, “Mummy!” And I thought, “Ooh, I sometimes forget my keys, but I think I’d remember that.” Then his dad came over. I thought, “I wonder if this is like the best chat-up line ever.” And his dad’s gonna go, “No, no. That’s not your mummy. “Remember your mummy left us cos my willy’s too big.” I had to go to family planning just before Christmas. Oh, my God! I was the oldest by 20 years. I was mortified! And the lady said, “Do you want some free condoms while you’re here?” And I thought, “Out for nowt.” Just before Christmas, probably use them as stocking fillers or something. And she said, “Would you like flavoured ones?” And I thought, “You bugger, this is advanced compared to when I used to go.” And I said, “Look, love, I’m 35. “The only flavour I’d want a condom to taste of is cock.” Apparently they don’t do those. So I had to settle for the two most popular lines, which were Lambrini and Greggs pasties. (Applause) Told you there’d be some cock ones coming round for you, flower. Let me ask you guys a question. Shout out, anybody in the room who’s ever broken anything during sex. Takes a bit of settling in. Yeah. You broke something? – Where are you? – (Woman) Lamp. – A lamp or a lamb? – (Woman) A lamp. (Imitates lamb bleating) (Laughs) Where are you, love? There you are. Hello, love. It was a lamp. What kind of lamp? It had a, like, ceramic base to it. Ooh, a ceramic base. Oh. And did it just… Was it, like, movement and it just toppled off or… – Yeah, pretty much. – Pretty much. – Did anybody get hurt or was it all right? – No, it was all fine. It was all right. So, we’ve got a lamp/lamb from the lady over there. Lamp is a good answer. Thank you very much. What else have we got? – (Man) Bed. A bed. Where are you, love? Hello, flower. Up there. And you broke the bed. Was it fixable or did you have to buy a new one? – We got a new one. – You got a new one? OK. There’s lots of giggling going on there. Is it… Let’s have a look. Is it the partner that you’re with? Well, I mean, sorry, but if you sit in couples like that I’m gonna make assumptions about you, flower. Er, so it’s this lady here, the one that’s looking desperately like she wishes she wasn’t here. So, did you insist on the new bed? Was it a chance to get a new bed? It was at uni and the landlord said I had to buy a new bed. It was at uni and the landlord said you had to buy a new bed. Did he come in and inspect it? Did you lose your bond? It’s what happens, isn’t it, when you fuck a bed to death. Something’s gonna have to go. Was anybody hurt or was it all all right? It was fine. So, we’ve got a bed, thank you very much, couple, who love sitting next to each other so much. So, we’ve got a bed and we’ve got a lamp. What else have we got? – (Woman) Dessert table. A dinner table? Who said a dinner table? – Dessert table. – A bird table? Were you the bird on the table? – What did you say? Shout louder. – I said dessert table. A dessert table? All of my tables are dessert tables. I’m just guessing, but are you quite posh? “Er, this is for the bruschetta. “Then we move over here and we’ve got…” I don’t know, sausage and mash? Don’t know. Er… I can’t even think of a posh main course. Did you say coq au vin? Fucking surprise! He’s got it on the fucking brain! Do you really have a table just for desserts? – Yes? – (Woman) No. We worked in a restaurant. Oh, you worked in a restaurant. So you’re really not posh. No. And was it… Did it have… Why were you having sex at work? I like that there’s at least 60 per cent of the room going, “My sex life is rubbish.” So, was the restaurant still open? Were people, like, trying to get the jelly and ice cream from round you, and that? We were under the dessert table. Under the dessert table. Don’t I feel like a proper tit now. See, if it was me, I’d probably… I’d want to be in, like, writhing in amongst it. And then I’d just go, “You know what, fella, I don’t really need you.” (Scattered applause) Oh, crème brûlée! See, I thought of a posh pudding. Yes! Did you get caught? No. Well, now everybody knows cos it’s on a DVD, isn’t it? “I think I used to work in Nando’s with her.” (Laughs) Dessert table is a good answer. Thank you very much, love. What else have we got? (Woman) Rear-view mirror. – A what? – (Woman) A rear-view mirror. A rear-view mirror. OK, there’s lots of questions here. Erm… Hello, by the way. – Er… was the car moving? – No. No, OK, that’s safety first. Gotta get that out of the way. Was it knocked off with an arse, by any chance? – I think so, yeah. – You think so. Did you not notice till you were trying to drive away? “There’s something not right. No, it’s not the spunk in my hair, it’s… “That’s normal. It’s Tuesday. “Can’t seem to see behind me.” “You’ve still got it in the cleft of your arse, love.” Now, just… Did it shear off or just unclick? Because you can slot them back in, can’t you? Apparently. Shut up. – Did it? – It was quite an old car. It just came off. It was quite an old car. Oh, yeah, classy, aren’t you? Having sex in an old car. – Well done! Was it through the day? – No! No, no, obviously. Look, you’re like, “What do you think I am, some kind of monster?” Anybody else… You know how everybody talks about dogging and everything, and I don’t know anybody who does it. Maybe I do. But every time I see two cars together, I just go, “Dogging”. Just automatically. One of them sometimes is an RAC van. “Dogging.” No, they’re not. So, a rear-view mirror is a very good answer. Thank you, flower. Have we got anybody else? – (Man) Blood vessels. Blood vessels. (Audience groaning) We’ve gone all the way from lamp to blood vessels. Er… Where were the blood vessels? Laying there as you do, I thought he was dribbling on me. You thought he was dribbling on you. (Audience exclaiming) We need to know the rest otherwise I’ll not sleep. Just put your fingers in your ears if you’re already feeling a bit sick. We’ve all… Did you just say “You’ve all been there”? Then there was a bit too much dribble. Too much dribble. It’s a telltale sign, pet. Turned the lamp on and looked like a butcher’s slab. You turned the lamp on and he looked like a butcher’s slab. You looked like a butcher’s slab. He was champion. He was ready for the next go. – Passion killer. – So… Yes, it would be a passion killer. If it wasn’t a passion killer, there’s something wrong with you. So, you didn’t actually work out where the blood came from? – It was his nose. – Oh, it was his nose. It could have been a lot worse. Probably the most painful one I’ve had so far, – a man said he’d broken his banjo string. – (Man) Ohhh! It’s about cocks. You should like this one. Snapping them and that. No. If you don’t know what a banjo string is, you should just google it when you get in. I’m not gonna tell you, I’m not your mam. Ew! Shouldn’t be your mam that ever tells you that. “Now, things you need to know. What can snap on a cock?” I love that noise when you say “banjo string”, and a lot of people in the room know what it is, and other people are going, “Why was he playing a banjo? “I don’t get it. Doesn’t sound very sexy to me. “It’s not a sexy instrument.” Thank you very much for that, flower. God, I hope everybody is all right now. Jesus Christ. There was a man, actually… I did a show and a man shouted out that he’d broken his foot during sex. And I said, “Did you carry on or did you stop?” And he said, “Carried on.” And I recognised his accent. He was a Geordie. And I thought he probably didn’t even put his fucking pie down. It’s a very personal question and I am grateful to those of you who did join in, thank you very much. What sometimes happens is people go, “I won’t tell her in front of all those people, but I’ll send her an email when I get in.” And I’m like, “Ooh, I’ve got an email. Oh! Oh!” Although I have got a man who, er… a man who sorts my website out. So, he actually filters my emails. Mainly because I’m not very technical, but also… Because for a while I was getting loads of pictures of men’s cocks just sent to me. And now he can print them off so I can put them on the wall. Just as a border. It’s not too much. “Would you like to sleep in the cock room this evening?” But probably my… Probably the best one that I’ve ever had by email, – a lady said she’d broken a man’s pelvis. – (Scattered groans) Yeah, it was a one-night stand, she was on top. He was screaming. She thought he was having a marvellous time. But my favourite one in a show, a lady said she’d broken a man’s spirit. (Scattered applause) Think we’ve all done that from time to time. I broke my vibrator once. That counts, right? And normally when I break things, I give them to my dad to fix. I cannot do that. So I just whacked it off the bedside cabinet and got it going again! It’s not really a joke, that one. It’s just a tip for the ladies. I told you I live on my own. My boyfriend also lives on his own. Some people think that’s quite odd that we’ve been together a few years and we don’t live together. We feel like we’ve got the best of both worlds, because we have a few days a week together and a few days a week apart. And it’s sort of ideal. There was a time that he moved in with me for three months because he was between flats and it made sense. And I was fine with it because there was an end date. I’m a bit stuck in my ways. “I love you, but bye!” And while he was at mine for those three months I worked away for a week, and when I came back some things had changed in my flat. And I said, “Er, love, erm… “er… one of the towels smells of bums. “You got any idea what that might be?” Without even thinking, he just went, “That will be my bum towel.” So when he did eventually move out, as a housewarming present I brought him a small, brown hand towel. It’s good because it’s brown. He doesn’t have to wash it. He can just crack it and use it again. But his mam came round to his flat… His mam’s lovely. She came round to his flat and she said, “Got you a new duvet set.” He said, “I don’t need a new duvet set.” She said, “You have one you just wash and put back on. This way you’ll have a change.” He said, “That’s lovely, thank you very much.” So, she put it on and it was lovely. It was all patterned, sort of matching. It was really nice. It was a little bit flowery for him, just a little bit flowery for him. And he went to have a look and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He came back out and he went, “She’s made my bed gay.” I said, “No, love, just cos it hasn’t got spunk and dinner on it doesn’t make it gay.” “Clean, that’s the word you’re looking for. It’s clean.” And his mam had overheard and she came in and she said, “It’s not a gay bed. If it was a gay bed, there’d be shackles.” What DVDs has she been fucking watching? (Sighs) But he is a lovely man. He’s lovely. We were in bed the other day and he got quite animated. And, er… And he shouted out “Feel how hard that is!” And I thought, “You bugger, it’s Tuesday, we didn’t have this booked in.” Turns out he was talking about the skin on his feet. I thought about taking him to one of those places that are popping up all over, where it’s got a tank with a fish in and you put your feet in, and the fish nibble at the hard skin. I thought about taking him to one. I cannot do that. The poor little fish. They’ll think he’s got fucking shoes on. I’m just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead. But he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. He’s a genuinely good man. And in January this year, I said to him, “I think it’s about time we started talking about the future.” And that’s what I expected from him, like an awkward silence. Maybe some footsteps as he walked the fuck out of my life. But he didn’t. He just smiled. Just really like a beaming grin. And I was really touched and I thought, “Oh, my God! He wants to spend his future with me. “Yay!” And I said, “Are you sure you’re all right talking about the future?” And he went, “What? Like flying cars and that?” But I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend and I never would. But I think I’ve found the acceptable face of adultery. I was sitting on a train, on the aisle seat, and a blind man got on. And he was using the tops of the chairs as sort of leverage to get along the carriage. And at one point the train wobbled and he lost his balance. And he put one hand firmly on my boob. And I let him. I even crossed over for when he came back from the loo! But we’ve started sort of spicing things up in the bedroom. There’s different ways you can do this, as I’m sure you know. The first way is you can have a shower. Nice couple here at the front. Have you ever had a shower together? Oh! He thinks he might and she doesn’t. Because the first thing I said to my fella, I said, “You know what?” He was going in the shower and I said, “Maybe you’d like some company?” And he said, “Just give us five minutes till I’ve washed my arse.” But whenever we have a shower, it always starts off really well, and then halfway through I realise, “This is just cleaning now, isn’t it? “There’s nothing sexy going on any more.” It’s when he says the words “Arms up.” But he is very thorough. Other things you can do… You can get dressed up. Got a nice couple in the middle. Fella, have you ever dressed up, like in an outfit? No, you haven’t. How old are you guys? I’m 38. Thirty-eight. See I asked a couple much older than you guys, so late sixties, early seventies. And you can always tell when a couple have been together too long. They had that sort of empty, sad, hollow expression. And the way you can tell is when you ask them how long they’ve been together, and before they do a number, they always do a little horse impression. So, you go, “How long have you two been together?” And they go… (Exhales) “30 years, 40 years. Fuck knows.” So I asked the old man, “Have you ever dressed up in an outfit or a uniform for sex?” And he went “No.” I looked at his good lady and I said, “Is there anything you’d like him to wear in bed?” And she went “A shroud.” But I also asked a young lad, much younger than you, sort of 16 or 17… I shouldn’t have been talking to a 16-year-old boy about sex. But I just thought it would give us something to rub my button to later on. (Audience groans) Does everybody… People know what that is, don’t they? People have different names for it. My friend said, “What’s rubbing your button?” And I had to do a little action. And she said, “Ah, you mean checking your lettuce.” Don’t know what that is. But this young lad, 16-year-old, of course he’d never dressed up for sex. Just having sex is excellent. But I asked him if he got dressed up, what would he dress up as? And he went, “Fireman. Fireman… “Ooh, ooh, Spider-Man! Spider-Man!” “We’re not talking about sex any more, it’s just pyjamas.” I was gonna say that I’ve dressed up, but I haven’t really. It’s slightly different. I was once on top and he tried to put a sock on one of my boobs. It’s not the same thing, is it? No girl ever wants to hear that her boobs are lovely and long. And it stayed on as well. And I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or not. Other things you can do. You can use food. Let’s get… What about… Fella on the end, what kind of food you think you could use in sex? – Ice cream. – Ice cream is a good answer. What about nice fella in the nice shirt, what kind of food you think? – Chocolate. – Chocolate! Did somebody shout cucumber? Ice cream and chocolate. And what about nice fella here? What kind of food you think to use in sex? (Man) Absolutely no idea. Absolutely no idea. Oh, look at his wife’s face. To be honest, she looks quite happy, like they haven’t even needed that. “We haven’t got to that stage that you’re at with your boyfriend of five years.” Fuck off! I like asking fellas, cos fellas come out with a variety of interesting answers. No offence to the ladies, but ladies always say chocolate. Chocolate sauce… Fucking hell! Put a Twix up there, whatever. As long as I can have a chocolate bag afterwards. I asked a man recently what kind of food he had used in sex. And he said noodles. I’ve had a bloke say chips and a bloke say curry. I think men are picking things they’re probably gonna have for their tea anyway. Just using their partners as plates. But I asked an old man, an old man in his eighties. I said, “What food do you think would be good to use?” He said ice cream. And ice cream’s a good sort of classic answer. But it wasn’t so much the answer he gave as the noise he made while he was thinking. Because he went like this… What was he thinking while he did that noise? “What goes well with vagina? “Ice cream!” My favourite answer was a guy who just said cream. But he went like that… Like squirty. I thought, “Well, obviously, you’re not just gonna spoon it at her, “hope she catches it in all the right places.” Then he went like this, he went, “Pack her full.” Oh! I’m so glad that you’re as horrified as I was! “Pack her full.” To be fair, he was a plasterer. “Just smooth that over. Not getting any more bother from that crack.” But the last thing you can do is dirty talk. We thought we’d give it a go. We’ve never done it to previous partners. We thought we’d give it a go. And I said, “Well, I’ll start off.” Because I’m, you know, an independent woman. I didn’t do that. That’d be a really weird way of starting off, wouldn’t it? “I’m ready.” I didn’t know what you’re supposed to say and I just sort of went, “Ooh, er…” (Sighs) “Erm… “I’ve been a bad girl! “I’m sorry about that.” And he just went, “Apology accepted.” But recently, I’ve had a bit more practice and he went, “You’ve been such a bad girl…” (Giggles) “..that I think I’m going to have to punch you.” (Scattered applause) He’s gone too far there. Hasn’t he? But I misheard him. He hadn’t said punched, he said punish. Which is apparently entirely acceptable in terms of sexy lingo. But he hadn’t thought it through, cos I said, “What kind of punishment did you have in mind?” He said, “Do the dishes!” But we’re clearly not married. Give us a cheer if you are married. (Cheering) And if you’re not… (Louder cheering) More energy again. Have we got any divorcées in? – (Cheering) – Yeah! Fucking… The happiest of all. “Been there, done that. Fucked it off.” Now, I’m divorced. And when I got divorced, it came as quite a surprise to me. Erm… Surprise is probably the wrong word, isn’t it? Shock’s probably a better word. Surprise just sounds like you burst out of a big cake. It would’ve been better had he done that, cos at least there would have been fucking cake. For a while after getting divorced, I found I wasn’t invited to quite as many weddings. I think people thought I was going to walk in like the bitter divorcée and go, “Uh-huh. “You enjoy your fucking day. See how long this bastard lasts.” I’ve recently been invited to more weddings. I went to one a few months ago and instead of having a wedding cake, they had a spiral cake stand that had cupcakes all the way around and a massive cupcake on the top that I sort of had my eye on. But I suspected maybe one of the wedding party had claimed that as well. The groom came over to me and said, “Thanks for the recommendation.” Cos I had recommended the cupcake shop. That’s a scary day, when you’ve just recommended a cupcake shop and you don’t even live in that fucking town. He said, “Thanks for the recommendation. I know you want the cake. “The band’s gonna come on in a minute, do two sections. “In their break, that’s when we’re gonna do cake stuff.” So pretty much every time the band looked like they’d come to the end of a song, I just stood up. When I was eventually right, I went over to the cake stand, I picked a cake, my boyfriend did the same. My friend, my friend’s wife. Four of us picked our cakes, went back to our seats, smug as fuck that we’d missed the queue. “Mmm, mmm, mmm.” Glanced across expecting to see a long line of people. The only people that were there were the bride and groom having their photos taken at the cake stand. The groom came over later on, I said, “I’m really sorry, but I think we might’ve jumped the gun on the cakes.” And he said, “Don’t worry, when I put the photos up on Facebook, “I’m gonna tag every gap with your fucking name.” Me and my fella try and be romantic to each other whenever we feel like it. Sometimes we celebrate Valentine’s Day, sometimes we don’t. We didn’t this year, we did last year. Last year, a few days before Valentine’s Day, he said to me, “I could do with some suggestions, sort of on the present front.” I said, “That’s fine.” Because I know some women like a surprise, but I’m happy to know what it is, cos I’m really busy and I don’t have time to take the bugger back. So I said to him, “There’s a shop called Accessorize that I love. “You could pretty much get anything in there and you’d be on safe ground.” I described the kind of thing that I like, it’s relatively inexpensive costume jewellery. This sort of thing, sort of beads and little flowery earrings. Sort of quite plasticky, quite girlie. You know, quite cheap. Nothing that looks like actual jewellery. And he said, “Fine. Logged.” I do love him, but that’s what he’s like. “Logged.” And off he went. And I want to show you what he bought us. Bearing in mind, the last thing I said was, “Nothing that looks like actual jewellery.” First thing he bought us was nine pairs of identical diamanté earrings. Just in case I was thinking, “That’s not enough diamanté earrings “for a girl who has got her ears pierced just the once”, another three pairs of almost identical diamanté earrings. The ladies might well have noticed, especially near the front, that they’re not from Accessorize, they’re from Claire’s Accessories. So I said to him, “They’re lovely, thank you. “But you didn’t… So you didn’t make it to Accessorize, then?” He said, “I went to the girl shop.” I said, “Yes, it’s a 12-year-old-girl shop.” I reminded him that that’s where we got presents for his nieces, who are 11 and 12. And he went, “Yeah, cos they’re girls.” His logic was brilliant. I thought he must have walked in Claire’s Accessories and gone, “She wants anything from in here.” I’m lucky that he didn’t come home with a tiara with fucking kittens on it. He said, “There’s something else in the bag.” “Oh, great!” He said, “I got you a couple of bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” He said, “They’re bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” They’re like, “I’m off to McDonald’s and I want to fit in.” I said, “They’ve got a hinge, so that you can get them in your ears.” He said, “That’s so that you can get them on your wrists.” He thought of everything apart from anything I told him. I said, “I hope that when you got to the till you didn’t say they were for your girlfriend. “Cos if you did, you might well be on some kind of fucking register now.” What I’ve decided to do to help me relax is just to find things that make me happy. Because I think generally whatever makes you happy makes you relaxed. And I thought at 35 I knew everything that I liked. But in the last 12 months, I found two new things that I didn’t know I liked. The first one was courtesy of a nice lady on Facebook who said, “I understand that you like chocolate, but I don’t know if you know this fact, “that if you have a square of Dairy Milk “and a square of Galaxy at the same time, “it’s so good “that it makes you do sex noises.” I mean like good ones, I don’t mean like, “Ow! Ow! Get it out, get it out!” I can tell some of you are now working out your route home via a newsagent’s. Ah! This show should be sponsored cos I’m telling you to go and buy chocolate. The show is not sponsored, but if a future show is called Dairy Millican… then maybe things have changed. The other thing I didn’t know I liked. I told you I don’t have kids. A friend of mine had a baby in August last year. I thought I’d buy a present for the bairn, because that’s what you do. I went into Marks, went into the baby section. Had a wander round. Realised that while I don’t like children, I really love tiny clothes. Picked up a couple of baby clothes for the actual child and then saw the smallest jeans I’ve ever seen. So I bought them. And I didn’t give them to my friend. I brought them with us to show you. (Audience exclaiming) They do look a little bit like aspirational jeans, don’t they? “Someday, I’m gonna get in those fuckers.” I don’t know what to do with them. They’ve been in a bag since August last year. Can’t put them in cupboard because I don’t have a cupboard for children’s clothes. I can’t bin them. Imagine finding a black bag with just those in. I might have to kill a child to avoid looking weird. Well, I started thinking of different ways to justify keeping them like… what if a baby visitor got caught in the rain? That has slightly sinister qualities as well, though, doesn’t it? “Well, let’s get you out of those wet things.” So I googled “people who like tiny clothes” thinking there must be more than me. There’s probably a website, maybe a support group where me and my tiny jeans could fit in. Nothing. The only name that kept coming up over and over again was Cheryl Cole. Because she fucking wears them. So, if Cheryl Cole ever comes round to my house and shits herself… And if when she shits herself, she accidentally gets a little bit on her shoes… These are only like a month old. A different friend of mine had a baby a month ago. I said to my boyfriend, “I’m gonna get a present for the bairn.” And he knows me so well that he said, “While you’re there, why don’t you treat yourself?” Yes! So, I picked up a little cardy and a little pair of jeans for the actual child, and then I saw those and I thought, “I’m fucking having them.” I’m aware that it’s weird. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. But I didn’t want it to look weird to the lady on the till, so I made sure they’re all the same age group. And all sort of matched colour-wise and I put them on the counter. She said, “These are lovely.” I said, “They’re for my friend. She just had a baby.” She said, “If that’s the case, would you like some gift receipts?” And I said, “Just for the cardy and the jeans cos I’m going to keep the plimsolls for me. “Oh, shit!” My friend said, “Are you gonna get a denim jacket to go with them?” I said, “I’m not trying to build a tiny Bryan Adams.” I’m so grateful for you all to come tonight. Thank you very much for coming. I’m going to leave you on a story. Me and my fella don’t really get nights off together very often. So when we do, we try to make the most of it. And went out… We call them a date night. Went out on a date night recently. Had a curry, lovely curry. Got in, put a DVD on. Everything going really well. Halfway through the film, started getting a little bit amorous, little bit frisky, which I suppose is one of the points of the date night. Seemingly, we’d forgotten that two hours before that, we’d had a curry. – Nevertheless, he went downstairs. – (Man) Ugh. Don’t mean for a glass of water. I already told you I live in a flat. Fucking work it out. The only reason he’d go downstairs is to do the bins. And that should never be a euphemism for that. “Do you fancy, er… “Do you fancy doing the bins later on?” It doesn’t work, does it? No. So he went… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. Do you know why I do it like that, in that little stupid voice? (Indistinctly) “Downstairs.” That’s not how I ask him for it, by the way. (Indistinctly) “Downstairs, will you go downstairs later on?” (Indistinctly) “Will you do the bins?” So, he was… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. And there’s no nice way of saying this to you lovely people, but I could feel a fart brewing. (Audience groans) Nobody knows what to do, do they? There’s no plan of action for this. So what I did, and I don’t really know why I did this, certainly don’t know why I’m telling you lot. Similar to in the film Rain Man, I started going, “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh.” And he carried on, cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyoncé. (Scattered applause) We’ve clearly not got the hang of the whole seduction thing. I think that’s fairly evident from what I’ve told you so far, isn’t it? I walked in on him the other day and he was lying on the bed just in his pants. You know how men think that’s attractive. And he had one bollock hanging out. And I thought, “I’m gonna have to pull him on it.” No! Er… Question him on it, not pull him on it. (Imitates horn honking) If only they made that noise! If they made that noise, I’d never leave the little buggers alone. (Imitating horn honking) I said, “Do you know that you’ve got a bollock hanging out?” He said, “Yes, I do. I put it out especially for you.” You lot have been such a joy. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I’ve been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much, good night! (Cheering, whooping) (Whistles) (Whooping) Hello. (Laughs) Thank you very much. I’ll tell you a little thing and then I’ll let you go home. I’ve started doing this thing. Maybe some of you do this. I’ve started listening to people’s conversations on the bus and train. And I was listening recently to two old ladies. They were talking about what they would do if they were men for a day. I thought, “This is gonna be good, “because these old ladies have got this wealth of experience. “These answers are gonna be quite insightful.” I was out for lunch with my friends and I asked them the same question. I said to my first friend, “What would you do if you were a man for a day?” Without even thinking, she just went, “I’d have a wank!” “It sounds like you need to. You sound a bit tense, pet.” Second friend, “What would you do?” She said, “I’d do everything.” And I thought she meant like in a sexual way, like she’d fuck everything. I said, “Is that what you mean, you’d do everything?” And she went, “No, no, just all the little jobs around the house.” But these old ladies, different generation to me and my friends. In their eighties they were, and one of them just said, “Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?” The other one said, “Knowing my luck, I’d get a Tuesday. “And what can you do on a Tuesday?” And my third friend, and I will leave you with this, my third friend took ages to answer. I said, “Come on, give us an answer.” And she said, “OK. “The first thing I would do is go and find my ex-boyfriend, “and thwack my hard penis across his face! “And see how he likes it first thing in the morning!” You’ve been lovely. Thank you very much! Good night! (Audience whooping)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-im-your-girlfriend-2016-full-transcript/

(techno music playing) ♪ ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Whitney Cummings! (cheering) I have to pee. I’m good! What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. This has been a dream of mine for a very long time, so thank you for being here, for showing up. I really appreciate it. Thank you for wearing shorts, sir. You were getting ready, you’re like, “I’m going to Whitney’s dream come true, and I’m gonna… “I’m gonna wear these seersucker…” operative word: suck… “shorts. “I just want her to look at my scrotum the whole night to let her know what I think of her accomplishments.” You know, just that thigh. You know, that weird part of your thigh that just looks like a swollen vagina? That’s what I’m looking at. Really appr… Thanks for shaving, sir. And where’s the camera. Is there a camera in the… And for you guys at home, if you’re watching this on YouTube, fuck you, Go to HBO Go, like an adult, so I can get ten cents, okay, out of this view. (cheers, applause) Thank you. I’m wearing heels tonight, it’s the least you could fucking do. I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy. Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young? Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s? – 20s? – Audience: Whoo! That’s what you do in your 20s, you “whoo.” Hold old are you? – 27. – 27. Well, you’re 30. (laughter, applause) Younger than 27? – Woman: 24. – 24! (laughing) Yeah, life’s about to fuck you up real bad. I love seeing girls in their 20s. It cracks me up, man. It reminds me of when I was in my 20s. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I was such an idiot. Like, when I was in my 20s, I was the worst combination of… I was arrogant, but I was also, like, delusional, you know? Like, when I was in my 20s, I thought that I was a catch. I thought I was funny and interesting and smart, but I wasn’t. You’re not. Okay? It’s just that guys want to have sex with you, right? So they laugh at your stupid jokes. They listen to your boring-ass stories. And then you start getting an ego. You start thinking you’re awesome. Then you turn 30, and guys stop wanting to have sex with you, and then you’re just left with a terrible personality. That’s what happened to me. I got enabled in my 20s, now I’m in my 30s, and I’m just a… dick. I’m the worst. I’m loud. I’m obnoxious. I’m bossy. You know? But I think I got confused about what guys like. ‘Cause you remember there was a rumor going around for a while that men like strong women? People would say that. They’d be like, “Men like strong women. Men like independent, strong women.” Yeah, no they don’t. Okay, I’ve seen porn. Men like Asian schoolgirls with duct tape over their mouths. (laughter, applause) That’s what men like. Literally, in porn they have categories you can pick from. There’s a menu on the side. It’s like, “girl-on-girl, college girls,” there’s no “CEO.” (laughter) Guys aren’t watching porn, like, “Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah.” It sucks. It sucks because I feel like I worked my ass off to accomplish my goals, to accomplish my dreams. Now I feel like I have the best life ever. I have the career I want, but guys are not into that. Guys aren’t into self-sufficient girls, you know, who are independent. That’s not a turn-on. I’m not a sexy woman. My dirty talk is not sexy. I’m like, “Hey, wanna come back to my house… that I own?” (laughter) Not a turn-on. Guys like girls to be, like, vulnerable and coy. Guy’s like girls to be like “Mmm… “I’m lost. “Can you help me? Mmm… Your dick’s too big, it hurts. Mmm…” It doesn’t. (laughter, applause) I’m in my 30s. Nothing fucking hurts anymore. My lower back kind of hurts. – (laughter) – That’s another… That’s a different story. So, I don’t know what to do, you know? I can’t stop achieving my goals, right? I can’t stop doing what I love. So I feel like what I need to start doing is when I meet a guy that I like, I just need to acknowledge what they find unattractive about me and just straight up negotiate with them. I’m gonna be like, “Look, I know I’m not 24, but… “I have a pool.” “I know I’m not adorable and coy, but I can pay all your bills. I can get you out of debt today!” There’s so much evidence in our culture that you guys like tiny, fragile women. You know, especially in our vernacular. Even the fact that you guys call us “baby.” No one else think that’s weird? Especially in a sexual connotation. Baby is the only socially acceptable increment of age you can say to a woman in bed, you know? You can’t be like, “Yeah, bend over toddler, yeah.” “Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!” I don’t like it. I think it’s creepy. That’s when a guy calls me “baby” in bed, I’ll be like, “Waah!” And then I just shit my pants just to make a point. Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo. Guys like girls to be babies, and guys like girls to be bad. Right? You guys like “bad girls.” So bizarre. It always happens, you start dating a guy, it’s only a matter of time before you’re having sex and he’s like, “Are you a bad girl?” I’m always like, “No. I pay my taxes on time.” And, also, I feel like before we play this game of Are You a Bad Girl, we should agree on a definition of bad that works for both of us, okay? I’m a comedian, my taste is a little bit off. If I was really gonna double down on the bad girl game, I’d be like, “Yeah, I’m a bad girl, I have herpes and I didn’t tell you, yeah.” – Man: No! – “No”? “It’s not… That’s not an aphrodisiac, okay, right. We’ll circle back, I’ll work on that.” Guys like girls to be babies, guys like girls to be bad, and guys like girls to be exotic. Guys are into exotic girls now. I know this because a girlfriend of mine set me up on a blind date with this guy, then she called me and rescinded the date. She was like, “Yeah, it’s not gonna work out. I found out he’s only into Cuban girls.” I was like, “All right, I can put on some self-tanner, and drink out of a fucking coconut. What do you want?” And she was like, “No, it’s not about the skin color. “He’s not into Brazilian girls, he’s not into Spanish, it’s just Cuban.” And I was trying to figure out like, what is the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba. The only thing I could deduce is that Cuban girls must be super fun to date ’cause they’re super easy to impress ’cause they’ve never had American products before. So, he’s like, “I got you a Coca-Cola.” She’s like, “Oh my God, he’s a millionaire!” Yeah, you guys have to read the news to get that one. I think it’s gonna be harder and harder for you guys to find these kind of weak, submissive women. ‘Cause women aren’t like that anymore. Women are badasses now. All my girlfriends are strong, self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know? And I… Here’s the thing. I think feminism is working, but I don’t know if you guys like it. I think you guys are mad at us about it, and it’s coming out in nefarious ways. Like, the way guys talk about women has gotten more aggressive. The way guys talk about having sex with women has gotten super violent. I was talking to a guy friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and he goes, “I hooked up with this girl the other night. Destroyed that shit.” It’s like, “Excuse me?” He goes, “Yeah, dude, I murdered that shit, bro.” It’s like, first of all, you did not murder her. She’s fine. She’s at home. She might be a little disappointed, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna get through it. She survived the wrath of your murderous dick. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! You did not kill her. You might have given her a urinary tract infection, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna bounce back. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to talk about women. And my theory is that women have gotten stronger, and as they get more self-sufficient, you guys are getting more aggressive towards us. ‘Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys didn’t talk that way about women. You guys would say, you know, like, “I’m gonna tap that.” Right? “I’m gonna hit that.” Now it’s like, “I’m gonna murder it.” I feel like in 10 years, it’s gonna be so disgusting. Guys, you’ll be like, “Hooked up with this girl the other night. “Scalped the bitch, bro. “She’s a full amputee now. “Motherfucking no legs. “Eats from a tube. “My dick. You know Helen Keller? My dick did that.” It’s too much. I don’t think music is helping. Music has gotten so rude towards women. Have you guys heard the song “Fight Night.” No black people here? That’s embarrassing. Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica. (laughter, applause) Are you applauding? Like, some kind of white power rally? Don’t applaud that! Oh, God. The song goes, “I’m gonna knock that pussy out like it’s fight night.” That’s a song. There’s another song that says “I’m gonna beat that pussy up.” I’m like, I’m sorry, what did our vaginas ever do to you? Besides give you life and make you feel amazing all the time? How ’bout instead of beating it up and knocking it out, how ’bout maybe, I don’t know, giving it an orgasm? I don’t know. (cheering, applause) I would like to hear that song. “I’m gonna make you climax, girl. I’m gonna make you trust me.” I… (laughter) I would like to hear that song. I blame rappers. It’s not just male rappers, female rappers are just as bad. You guys know Nicki Minaj? Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans? I used to love Nicki Minaj. But then I heard her talk, and it wasn’t good. So, she sounded like such a hypocrite, and I think she’s a bad role model ’cause she was up there, and she was like, “You know, men don’t respect me in the rap game because I’m a woman, and people don’t respect me ’cause I’m a woman.” I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all. We don’t respect you ’cause we can see your asshole. Has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a woman, okay? We respected Mary J. Blige just fine. Here’s my point. I think that women should be able to be sexy and glamorous, and feminine and professional. You could be a myriad of things. But as you’re getting dressed for your album cover, you also have to acknowledge basic human nature and neurology, okay? You have to acknowledge the fact that men’s brains are basically only designed to look for holes. It’s pretty much all they’re doing at any given moment, just scanning for crevices. They’re like gophers, just looking for holes to get into. Counting, like, two, four… eight, that’s a golf course. Constantly adding them up. So, sometimes we have to help you guys out. You get very distracted by that, right? When I look at Nicki Minaj’s ass, I think awful, terrible, shameful things. I’ll be like, “Yeah, I bet if I hit that from behind that shit would pop.” I’m like, “Oh, my God!” So, I can’t even imagine what you guys are thinking, you know? And here’s the thing, I’m a comedian. I want you guys to listen to what I’m saying, I want you to think I’m funny, I want you to focus. So, I’m not gonna do stand-up like this… (laughter) (cheering) This is not the most effective way to do stand-up, right? I’m not gonna be like, “Hey, guys, did you see that election coverage last night? “Yeah!” No. You can’t focus because if I’m standing like this, you’re either looking at my ass, which you’re not, which is very insulting. Is that your girlfriend? Right there? Yes? She… He goes, “Clearly.” Why, because you’re not allowed to look at an ass that’s two feet in front of your face? I like her. She runs a tight ship. I respect that. He did not even look. So regardless, you’re either looking at my ass, or worrying about my knees, one of the two. So, that’s not the best position, and I think that that’s just a hypocritical way to operate because guys can’t have their dicks out, you know? Like, male rappers can’t rap with their dicks out. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I wouldn’t be respecting him either, or listening to what he was saying. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I would be calling the police, which is such a testament to the nature of man. That when a woman is naked, you’re like, “Look at that beautiful woman,” and when a man is naked, you’re like, “There was a crime. Something horrible happened over there, guys.” It’s an interesting time. We’re living in a fascinating time. We’re living in a time where women have money, okay? Which is… Do you realize how new that is, right? That’s like 30 years old, or something, and there’s no blueprint for how to operate, and I think it’s really messing up the power dynamic. Like, the fact that I can pay my own bills, that’s such a big deal for me. I thought that making money was gonna solve all my problems, especially my relationship problems. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I had to date guys that had money ’cause I didn’t have any. But now that I make my own money, I felt like it opened up this whole new pool of broke guys that I couldn’t date before, so I’ve been doing that. They’re much nicer. And the last guy I dated, I paid for everything. I paid for trips, I paid for dinners, and now that I’ve sort of been the man in the relationship, now that I’ve been in your shoes, I now understand why you guys hate us. It’s ’cause we owe you so much fucking money. And something happens psychologically when you start to pay for someone where you start to hate them. Start to hate everything about them. You resent them. You start keeping score of everything they do. One day he came home. He was drinking a coconut water. It’s like, “Coconut water? What are you, the queen of fucking England? “How ’bout you drink out of the tap like a goddamn man, how ’bout that?” And then they nag you. They always need something from you, you know? He’d be like, “Do you wanna go to dinner?” I’m like, “You just ate yesterday. Do you have a tapeworm? What’s the problem?” I feel like I now understand why you guys are always so disappointed in us, too. ‘Cause something happens when you start paying for someone where you start to get these high expectations for their behavior. Like, as soon as I started paying for him, I started expecting him to like, do chores out of nowhere. Like, one night we went to dinner, I spent $200 on dinner, the next morning I woke up, I was like, “This is weird, it’s 8:00 a.m., and I don’t smell eggs. Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mommy’s hungry.” It’s tricky. I also started noticing all these, like, unspoken rules that happen with the expectations based on who pays. Like, the expectation if the man pays for the woman is that she’s gonna have sex with you, right? But when I was paying for the man, the expectation was I am not gonna have sex with you, and we’re gonna stay up all night talking about my dreams. We’re gonna read some horoscopes tonight, bitch. And then I saw, like, all the insidious institutionalized sexism. Like, every time we would go to dinner, the waiter would automatically give him the check. And then he would fucking take it, and then when the waiter would leave, he would slide it over to me. I was like, “Oh, hell no!” If you take the check, you’re paying. You better find yourself a Groupon real fast. I also get now why people stay in relationships too long. Because money makes things stickier. Like, I feel like I stayed in that relationship three months too long just ’cause I didn’t want to get a bad return on my money. Because dating is such a terrible investment. Which made me think, like, I can’t believe we just run around spending money on relationships that we don’t know is gonna work out. It’s a terrible investment. I feel like there should be some kind of insurance in place to protect us. Like, I feel like dating should be like checking into a hotel. Okay, you and I are gonna start dating. As soon as we start dating, you have to put your credit card down. Three months later, if you want to break up, I’ll be like, “All right, well, let’s look at your bill. Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or you can’t fucking leave.” And now that I’ve spent my hard-earned money on someone that I never see, I can’t stand that it’s just assumed that you guys pay for everything. I think that is so messed up. I’m on your guys’ side about this. I think it’s insane that it’s just socially constructed that you pay for everything. I think that’s nuts. I actually think if you guys take a girl to dinner three times and you pay, and then you never hear from her again, I think you should be able to call the police. That’s some bullshit. I am very ashamed of how the relationship ended, though. I’m embarrassed about it, but I think it’s important to talk about. I think I just lost respect for him because he wasn’t contributing in any way financially. Which is messed up because I feel like women don’t contribute to relationships all the time, and that’s okay. But I think the problem is human nature. I think for evolutionary purposes, we are hardwired to stop being sexually attracted to men when they show any kind of weakness. And I know this is true ’cause one time I was dating this guy, I was madly in love with him. Like, I thought that we were gonna get married. We’re walking down the street, and he tripped and fell. And I instantly fell out of love with him. I just… Like, I couldn’t… Like, I was embarrassed to even be near him. Like, I was disgusted by him. I think my primal brain was like, “No, he is not a provider. “He cannot protect you. “He’s a danger to you and the whole tribe. The whole species is in trouble.” It’s cold-blooded, man. Cold-blooded. I love that women have money now. It’s so cool. But I feel like there’s still this residual stereotype. Even though women have money, there’s this stereotype that all women are gold-diggers. You know, like all my guy friends truly believe that women want to have sex with them, get pregnant with their baby, and just take everything for all they’re worth. Take them for all their… shorts. I don’t want your shorts. Okay? I’m not interested. I know that this is true, ’cause last year I dated a guy who treated me like I was a gold-digger. Backstory: First of all, he did not have a job. That’s important. The second is kind of graphic, which is that something happened to me when I turned 30 where I just could not use condoms anymore. – I’d… – (cheering) Oh, okay. Well, that’s really aggressive. Just… troubling. No, I think it’s actually because I got health insurance. Something happens when you get health insurance. It’s very liberating. I was like, “This is Obamacare’s problem now. It’s not my problem.” So, I said to him, I was like, “Hey, I don’t have anything, so if you don’t have anything, let’s just not use condoms.” And he’s like, “Yeah, but I feel like we should still use condoms, you know, like, so you don’t get pregnant.” I was like, “Oh, no. We’re good. I’m on the pill.” He was like, “Yeah, but the pill, it’s only 98% effective.” I was like, “I’m sorry. “Do you think that I want your broke-ass fucking baby? “You think I’m scamming to get your shitty kid? “So I can take you for all you’re worth? “What am I gonna take, your fucking roommates? “The five grown-ass men you live with in a studio apartment? “I’m not a gold-digger. I’m the one with the gold, dummy. “Okay, trust me, if I got pregnant with your child, “my lawyer would come over, and they would… terminate that shit himself, okay? We’re good. We’re fine.” Ridiculous. I don’t want a white baby. What am I gonna do with a white baby? That’s embarrassing. I’d like to think I’m a little more successful than that. Brings me to a topic I’m very passionate about, which is birth control options that are available to women. I can’t believe that we don’t have better options for birth control. They all drive me crazy. What are you on? – What are you taking? – It’s an IUD. You have an IUD. Come up here, we’re gonna take it out. I hate this product. Is yours plastic or metal? – Plastic. – Yours is plastic. Okay, well, she’s got a McDonalds toy in her body right now. Most of them are metal, some are plastic. Most of them are a little piece of metal they put inside your uterus. I’m like, I don’t want metal inside my body. I don’t wanna be going through airport security and having the guys behind the x-ray machine like, “Oh, look at this slut coming through. “This bitch had to put a tin can up in there to stop all that sperm.” No, I don’t want metal in my body. What if there’s a storm? “Guys, I can’t make it tonight, it’s raining.” I hate this product. Mostly because, like, they would never develop that product for men. That would never be a product on the market for men. Right? You and I would never be dating, and you’d be like, “Babe, what should we do for birth control?” I’d be like, “I have an idea. “How about we take a metal rod and put it up your dick hole, “and leave it there for about five years, or until it gets infected. Is that a good idea?” I hate this product. And it has like, three pages of side effects. I can’t believe that they release a product with three pages of side effects. I’m like, “Go back, it’s not ready.” I looked at the side effects for the IUD. It was like migraines, abdominal pain, and depression. I was like, “I might as well have a fucking kid.” What about you? What are you up to? Pill. The pill. Do you know which one? No? This fucking generation, man. They don’t even… They’ll just put anything in their mouths. They don’t even care. Like, “Oh, poison? Fine.” You don’t even… Do you know what color the box is, at least? – It’s pink. – It’s pink. Motherfuckers. I hate that. That drives me nuts. Like, that is so… Everything about the pill is insulting to me. The fact they make the box pink. The pill is pink, as if all women just like, love pink. And if the pill being pink affects your decision of whether you’re gonna take it or not, that means you’re 10 years old and you’re too young to be on birth control anyway, okay? Second of all, if you want me to remember to take my pill every day, don’t make it pink. Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies. I can’t stand the pill. I actually just read this article about how the pill works. Basically, the way the pill works is it tricks your body into thinking you’re pregnant. Your brain starts producing the same neurochemicals and hormones as if your body is pregnant, you know this. You watch Oprah. Good girl. And then you start being attracted to more alpha males. Their pheromones start smelling stronger, and you’re attracted to alpha males, the kind of man that could protect your future offspring. The problem is that in modern times alpha males are signified by tattoos and motorcycles, which explains why I’ve been dating such assholes since I’m 15 years old. The way that it works is that I meet a nice, sensitive guy I want to share my future with. I start taking birth control to plan it, and then all of a sudden, I only can have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray. That’s not fair. And it’s an example of how biology has not yet caught up with modern technology. It’s the 21st century, I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. We have street lights, okay? We have alarm systems. I don’t need an alpha male. I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can google “Can I take Xanax while pregnant?” That’s my baby’s father. Okay? I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud. I hate the pill. Everything about the packaging of the pill is so insulting. Like, even the fact that it’s the only medication that comes with a calendar. Like we’re too stupid to remember to take our pill every day. The guys that developed it are like, “They can’t handle taking their pill every day, “so let’s make it look like a tiny advent calendar, “and we’ll trick them into taking it. They’ll be like, “‘Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'” I feel like the calendar’s actually for you guys. ‘Cause I know you guys like, go and look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning, and you’re like, “Oh, Wednesday’s empty, thank God.” They put so much effort into trying to make sure we don’t forget to take our pill. Like, they make a patch. Have you heard of the birth control patch? It’s like a sticker you put on your shoulder that administers the medication for you. It’s like, can you imagine getting a girl naked and seeing a giant patch? Like, “Ooh, she’s slutty and she has a bad memory. That’s wifey material. Put a ring on that shit.” So, I told my doctor I didn’t want to use birth control pills anymore, and she was like, “Oh, well, you should use the morning after pill. You know, the plan B pill is now available over-the-counter.” I’m just like, “How lazy can you be?” The guy’s like, “Do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Ugh. Let’s just deal with it in the morning.” Which, by the way, we’re not gonna deal with it in the morning. I’m the one that has to deal with it. I’m the one who has to wake up at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line. And you realize the morning after pill is $49? I have never had sex with a guy and the next morning been like, “Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks.” And it’s not just 50 bucks ’cause you can’t just buy a morning after pill alone or the cashier’s gonna think you’re a slut. So, you gotta buy a bunch of other products to put on top of it to hide it. You know? You gotta crowd it with like, Q-tips and floss, and a bunch of other shit you’re never gonna use. What else is there? Am I missing anything? NuvaRing? That’s not still happening, is it? NuvaRing? What are you doing? The pill. What kind? Do you know? You’re on Ortho Tri-Cyclen? That’s some ’90s shit. I was taking that in the ’90s! Bitch, you are loyal. I like that. Are you still on AOL? Jamming out with a Walkman, she’s like, “Unh!” with her CD, “Mmm.” – NuvaRing. No NuvaRing? – Woman: Yes! Yes, okay. Let’s… Do you have it in right now? – Yes? – Yes! Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just wanted to get a visual, thank you. I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys. I just… To me, the NuvaRing, that is just proof that doctors get stoned out of their minds and just start brainstorming ideas for women’s birth control. They’re like, “Oh my God, oh my God, I have an idea. “What if we took a piece of tupperware “and made it in the shape of our dicks “so when we’re having sex we can, like, play basketball with our dicks?” They’ll be like, “Yeah, two points! Two points! Two points!” The only logical explanation for that. I know a lot about birth control right now because I recently had to do something kind of cool. I have an announcement to make. Do you guys want to hear it? Audience: Yeah! Last month I froze my eggs. (cheers) I always love this reaction from people. ‘Cause the women always clap and the guys just panic. Like, they just… They think they’re in trouble or something. Which is so weird to me because I thought guys would love that I froze my eggs. I thought I would be, like, the sexy, awesome girl who doesn’t want to get pregnant right now. But no, it’s not hot. It’s not an aphrodisiac. Guys aren’t into it. You can’t be hooking up with a guy and he’s like, “Hey, do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Don’t worry, boo, my shit’s on ice down by the airport.” Guy’s aren’t into it. Maybe it’s ’cause you guys don’t know what it is? That’s what I think. Do you know what it is? No idea. Just based on the words egg freezing? Just freeze ’em? Just freeze ’em? Just… That’s… What’s that move? Just freeze ’em. You mean, like… They’re not in my freezer. It’s not like a freezer drawer. Just put ’em in the fridge. Just… You know what this guy is? Just based on your response to that, you seem like you’re, like, “literal guy,” you know? Like, everyone’s dated literal guy. The guy who in an argument just sticks to the facts. You’re the guy who’s like, “No, I didn’t say you were a bitch, I said you were being a bitch.” And then you’re like, “Shit, I gotta regroup. Hold on.” What about you? Do you know what it is, egg freezing? Yes, you do? What? Cryopreserve your eggs. Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs. That was good. You’ve been watching some weird porn, obviously. Yeah, so basically, I just realized that most guys don’t know what it is. I found this out because the week that I froze them, I had to be on bed rest for a couple days, and I had to cancel a gig. So, I told my agent can you tell the manager I need to reschedule it. I go to the reschedule date, the manager runs up to me, he’s like, “Are you okay? I heard your ovaries were removed!” I was like, “Okay, let’s just talk about this.” So, essentially, you freeze your eggs if you want to get pregnant at some point, but just not right now. Like, I’m not ready. I would like to have a kid at some point, but I’m not responsible enough yet. I still leave coffee on the top of my car like twice a day. I should not be a mother right now. And biology is again completely backwards. Like, it’s ridiculous to me that a 15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily, but a 45-year-old woman can’t. Like, I have never met a 15-year-old girl and been like, “You would make a great mom. “Love your Instagram selfies. I think you’re ready to be responsible for a human life.” No. And all my girlfriends in their 40s are fucking awesome. They’re all like superheroes, they can do anything. I have a girlfriend the other day had a splinter, she ripped it out with her teeth… like it was nothing. I have a girlfriend, she’s 45, she can return things at a store without a receipt. That’s like some Jason Bourne shit right there. I’m really glad that I did it. I feel like it took off all this pressure that I had on me, you know? Like, I realized before I froze my eggs, there was just this constant inner monologue that was like, “Is this the guy you’re gonna be with? If not, you have to move on to someone else.” And I felt like I had to accomplish all my professional goals by the time I was, like, 35. And it was just in the back of my mind all the time. Like, I’d be in traffic, and I’d be like, “You guys, let’s go! “I’m rotting from the inside! “We gotta move, okay? Uterus is molding, let’s move!” I feel like you guys will never understand that pressure because you guys don’t have that clock. Guys can have kids as late as they want. Clint Eastwood had a kid at like, 70 years old. Robert De Niro had one at like, 68, which is so weird to me. The idea of having a kid at 68 years old. That’s like being like, “I really want a kid, but only for, like, 10 years. “And I want to be deaf for most of it. That’s…” I’m so glad I did it. It took all this pressure off. Like, I used to be this stress case, now I’m just chilling, man. So easy. Like, my agent calls me up, he’s like, “Where’s that script?” I’m like, “I don’t know, I’m high as fuck. “Call Sarah Silverman or some shit, man. ‘Cause I’m watching Game of Thrones again today.” Hey, camera. I… Thank you. You freeze your eggs for a couple of reasons. If you want to postpone having kids, also if you want to get a surrogate at some point, which I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of getting a surrogate. It’s like you hire a woman to carry your kid for you, which I really want to do at some point. But I feel kind of guilty about that idea because when you get a surrogate, you’re essentially, like, asking another woman to do your dirty work for you. It’s like, worse than a guy getting a hooker. ‘Cause when you get a hooker, you guys just want to use a woman’s body for an hour. I want to use it for nine months, and totally wreck it. I’m literally gonna destroy that shit. Not nice. I just feel like I would like my kid so much more if I didn’t carry my kid. Does that make sense? Like, I totally support those toddler and tiara moms. I think those kids should work. I think they should have to tap dance to pay for all the damage they did to those poor women. Although I feel like if you have a surrogate have your kid you can’t control the kid as well. You know? Like, the way my mom used to guilt me into doing things was she’d be like, “I carried you for nine months.” I’d be like, “Oh… That’s a good point.” But if, like, I had a surrogate, what am I gonna say? I’m gonna be like, “I had to drive 10 minutes to pick you up. Traffic was a nightmare.” Yeah, it’s not as good. When you freeze your eggs, the doctor asks you if you want to get a donor, like a sperm donor. Because if you want to freeze embryos, you know? Like, basically it’s if you freeze an embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg, and I was like, “I don’t have any sperm available in my house at the moment.” So, he’s like, “Maybe you should get a donor.” And I wasn’t really ready for that, but I got super obsessed with the kind of person who would become a sperm donor. So, I went online and I was, like, on the donor site. You’d think that sperm donors were complete losers. Not true. In order to be a sperm donor, you have to be at least 5’8.” I was like, I’m sorry, what shallow bitch was 45 years old, not married, no options, goes into the sperm bank, is like, “Oh, 5’7”? Never mind. “I’m gonna get on Farmers Only and take my chances. Fuck that weirdo midget.” And in order to be a sperm donor, you have to have at least four years of college. I was like, I don’t want my sperm donor to have four years of college. ‘Cause if you have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re a drug addict. And if you don’t have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re an entrepreneur and I like your hustle. You can be my baby daddy any day. – Man: I will! – You will? I’m good. Pass. Got me into some trouble. I got cheated on. Has anyone been cheated on? Okay, well, you’ve all been cheated on, just so you know. Sorry you have to find out like this. I fond out in the stupidest way. We were at a movie theater and I dropped my phone in between the seats. So, I asked him if I could use his phone to call my phone. I’m holding his phone for maybe eight minutes. He gets three different text messages from a girl he had programmed in his phone as “Sandylicious.” Think about this. Really think about how hot a girl has to be for a guy to take the time to program in that long of a fucking name. He was like, “S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I…” And you know that shit autocorrected like six times, so he had to go back to the beginning. “S-A-N-D, shit. “S-A… Still worth it… D-I-L-I…” So, I had to confront him about it. I was like, “Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious texting you at midnight on a Friday?” And he goes, “Oh, she’s my friend.” Why don’t you just punch me in the tit? It would be less insulting to my intelligence. Like, I’m just curious, has that ever worked in the history of time? Has any girl ever been jealously freaking out and the guy was like, “Oh, she’s my friend,” and the girl was like, “Oh my God, I am so sorry! “I was totally overreacting. “Go back to texting your bro, Sandylicious.” No! I have a lot of guy friends in my phone, none of them are programmed in under “Joey smooth dick.” That’s not my friend. We’re not friends. I feel like you guys don’t know this. It’s also so obvious when you’re getting lied to by a guy ’cause you guys all lie the same exact way. You guys need to have a meeting, or start a chatroom or something. Because you know you’re getting lied to by a guy because he will repeat the question you ask him in the answer to buy time to make up the lie. So, I’ll be like, “Hey, where were you till 3:00 in the morning?” “Where was I? Until 3:00? “In the morning?” It’s like, can you just make up your lie in the car like an adult, please? Can I at least get that respect? And you know you’re getting lied to when a guy goes, “Ugh, well… Well, what do you want me to say right now?” You want me to make up your lie? How lazy can you be? And then you know you’re getting cheated on when a guy goes, “Well, what’s your definition of cheating?” I’m like, “Uh, if you had fun without me, you cheated. It’s very simple.” Another announcement to make, which is… being cheated on now is extra hard for me because when I was in my 20s, no one ever admits this, but when I was in my 20s, I cheated. Now’s your time, girl. Live it up. I was… I cheated in my 20s because I was an idiot. I was insecure and I was worried the guy I was with was gonna leave me for someone else. Who cares the reason. The point is getting cheated on now is even worse because I know what you’re doing because I’ve done it, and you’re gross. I used to do the shadiest things when I used to cheat. I used to program guys’ names in my phone as other things so the guy I was dating didn’t know what was going on, you know? And then he’s be like, “Hey, why is Bank of America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?” “That is weird. “You know, they’ve really stepped up their customer service. “They really wanna make sure my check clears. I am gonna thank them in the morning.” He’s like, “All right, well, why did Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?” “Bizarre! “That’s disgusting. We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!” I don’t know if, in general, as a society we’re getting grosser, or if the Internet’s just bringing it to the surface, but I just think, in general, there’s a movement towards perversion that feels new to me. The first thing that made me think this was a couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy, then we went on a second date. On the second date, he asked me if I could squirt. Let’s talk about it. Look, first of all, I do not squirt. Just so you know, I am not a squirter. I am not squirting. I am not a squirting lady. I don’t know if I’m just dehydrated? If I need more Gatorade in my life? I’m not squirting, okay? I mean, if you want, I will compromise, and I will pee on you. I’d rather not, but if that’s your thing, I’m sure I could fashion some pee. I’m gonna have to turn on the faucet. I’m not into it. Here’s the… This is new. This is a new thing. Five years ago, I never heard about squirting. Okay? Five years ago, I feel like the gross, taboo thing everyone wanted their girl to do was anal. It was all about anal, right? Now anal’s just like… You just have to do that now. It’s not even weird anymore. It’s just, like, on the menu. It’s not just for birthdays anymore. It’s happening. Which, I do not think that’s okay. I think we need to make it weird again. I think we need to make it taboo again. This is how I know anal sex has gone mainstream. I have a girlfriend, she has a daughter who is 16 years old. She goes to a Catholic school, and she said her girlfriends in the Catholic school at 16 years old are now having anal sex instead of regular sex so that they don’t technically lose their virginity. Right? Have you heard of that? My thing is if you’re having anal sex at 16 years old to stay right with God, I have news for you. There is no God. Get a new religion, ’cause your God fucking hates you. No. No. Stay away from my butt. I have a house. No. I have worked too hard. That’s my point. You guys are getting ungrateful. You guys have lost sight of the fact that our bodies were perfectly designed to have sex with you, anatomically. Whatever you believe in. Say, it’s evolution or God. Say you believe in God. God perfectly designed the female body to have sex with you. Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement. Boobs here if you want a little… Perfect. The head moves back and forth in case you don’t want to look at her face. God thought of everything. And then God was putting the female body together and was like, “Ugh, there’s this other hole. “It’s a terrible hole. “Horrible things come out of it. “It’s awful. We can’t put it in the front or else men would never have sex with women.” God’s like, “You know what I’m gonna do? “I’m gonna hide it. “I’m gonna put it in the back “in, like, a ravine. “I’m gonna put big pieces of fat on either side of it. “He’ll never even know it’s there. She can walk away naked, he’ll never see it. “It’s genius. Genius! “The female body is complete.” Cut to God looking down now. A guy’s like, “Eh, eh, ehh…” God’s like, “Oh, my God! “How did they even find it? “I hid that thing pretty well. They’re animals!” No. Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh. No. Not squirting. Nope. We’re starting a movement here tonight. Hashtag no squirting. Get it going. No. You know why? It’s… You guys are pushing it now. You’re ungrateful, you’re spoiled, and you’re pushing it. Like, do our bodies not do enough amazing things? Enough miraculous things? We can make a life. We can get pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies. We can give you orgasms. Now you want us to put out fires? It’s too much. That’s too much. And I’m a pretty slutty person. The fact that there’s something I won’t do, that’s bad. That is off the grid, okay? I’ll do anything. I will literally do anything ’cause I’m fun. I am fun. I’ll do anything. What do you want? Spank me? Great. Go for it. I will try not to laugh, but go for it. Choking, that’s the new thing. Everyone’s gotta get choked now? Choke me. Great. Choke me. I’ll even throw in a little “Ehh…” I’m fun! I’m fun. But you’re pushing it now, okay? I’m not squirting. Who has time for that? Okay? I’m not gonna clean up squirt. No. I have a job. I don’t have time for that. You gotta go to Home Depot, you gotta get a tarp, you gotta put the tarp down. My bedroom looks like Dexter’s garage. I’m not living that way. Was sex not awkward enough before squirting? Do you remember the awkward talk before sex? Used to be like “Hey, do you have a condom?” Now it’s like, “Hey, do you have a ShamWow? Shit’s about to get crazy.” You don’t want me to squirt. You do not want me to squirt because if I could squirt, I would use it for evil all the time. Any time I was in my boyfriend’s car, I’d be like, “You sure you want to text that girl back? I didn’t think so.” I’m worried. I’m worried for the next generation of boys. ‘Cause now guys in their… Teenage kids, they watch porn now before they ever actually see a naked woman. Before they ever actually have sex, they’re watching porn. And they think that’s gonna happen. They think that women are just these human Bellagio fountains, just squirting constantly. They think they’re gonna walk into that. Remember our generation of boys, they would show up to lose their virginity with like, a rose. Now kids show up to lose their virginity with just a snorkel, an umbrella, just flippers. It’s not healthy. It’s all just escalated way too far, way too fast. Do you remember, like, the good old days, like our generation, we used to have, like, first base and second base, remember? It used to be like first base was, like, kissing. Remember? Second base was, you know, hand up the shirt. Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme. Now, like, first base is just sex. Second base, squirting. Third base, gangbang. A home run, he just takes you out in the alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body. It’s a war zone out there, man. ‘Cause one day, you guys will become desensitized to squirting. One day, that will be boring to you, and then what are we gonna do? We just gonna have to pull out our intestines and throw ’em in your face? It’s not good. I think we ought to draw a line. We gotta just take it down. It’s getting too intense. It’s like every week you guys come out with a new way to humiliate us. You guys wanna have sex with our boobs now. You guys wanna squeeze our boobs and fuck ’em? What are you doing? What guy was ever having sex with a woman and was like, “Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh. “I wish I had another one that was completely dry. I know what to do.” No, that’s my heart, you idiot! Get your dick off my heart. You guys have gotten spoiled. You have too many options. That’s the problem, you have too many options. You guys are like… It’s not Whac-A-Mole. I’m a human being. I have feelings and dreams. And parents. You guys are pushing it. It’s getting more… Like, I just feel like you never come back from that, having a man’s… torso in your… face. I feel like one day, one day I will be a mother, right? Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing. One day I will be a mother. I will be holding my beautiful baby, I’ll be looking down at my beautiful baby’s eyes, we’ll be having this beautiful mother-daughter bond, and then I’m just gonna have a flashback to just a dick just a dick, just a dick… It’s not how I wanted motherhood to go down. Excuse me, I have to fix my hair after my dick hit it. You guys are getting desensitized, and it’s like, I feel like you guys are getting more violent towards us, also. It’s like, the new thing you guys want to do is the gagging thing? (gagging) Is that sexy to you? (resumes gagging) You into that, sir? You into that? Is that your thing? You like that, Internet? If you’re into that, just go to jail now. You’re gonna end up there eventually. What, you want to put your dicks in our throats until we… That’s where I breathe out of. You wanna fuck my oxygen supply now? Is that what it’s come to? Do you even like me? Should I leave? Like, what is the psychology? The psychology of it is like, “Yeah, my big dick’s gonna make her gag.” You know what else makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap. It’s not that big of a deal. I asked a guy friend of mine about this. I was like, “What’s up with the gagging thing? What’s happening with the gagging thing?” He goes, “Oh, gagging’s awesome ’cause it makes the girl cry.” What?! I thought guys hated it when we cried? Now I know when guys leave the room when I’m crying. They’re going to the bathroom to jerk off. Weirdos. I don’t like it. I just think about all this and I’m like, you know what? I just feel like women, we’re always the ones having to do the gross, kinky, nasty, tricks in the bedroom. I feel like you guys need to come up with a couple fucking tricks. (cheering) Thank you. I will strike a deal with you, okay? I will learn to squirt if you teach your dicks how to blow bubbles. Thank you guys so much for coming out to the show, everybody! Thank you! (cheering) Thank you! Hi, cuties! Thank you! First and foremost… I just want to say thank you so much for coming out. It’s always been such a big dream of mine to have an HBO special, so this is a very big deal for me. Thank you. Thank you. Um, and I would like to dedicate this special to my father who is right now going through something. Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much. And, as promised, I will now take some pictures with you guys because I know that the only reason you guys came here was to get a fucking selfie, and you haven’t been listening this entire show, and you’re just trying to figure out how this is gonna benefit you and your Instagram feed. So… (laughing) So, what we’ll do is you guys can put your phone in selfie mode. I think you probably know how to do that, you live in Los Angeles, all you do is take selfies. So, hold it up and I’ll get in the background of it. So, uh, let’s do it. Thank you, guys. I love you. ♪ ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I LOVE YOU (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-i-love-2014-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t fuckin’ watch it! You did not watch it, no you didn’t. ‘Cause if you had watched it, I wouldn’t fucking be here right now. No. I would be here. This is my favorite thing to do in the world. It is so good to be back doing standup. The last couple years were kind of… interesting. I think the most intense thing that happened to me was I went through a really painful breakup, but I’m glad it happened because actually I learned a lot. I feel like, you know what, I figured out why couples breakup. I think it’s this… I think couples break up because we’re all operating under different definitions of the word love. If you think about it, we say this word to each other, and I think it just makes us raise expectations. You know, I feel like if we were all to just agree on a universal definition of the word love, we’d stop disappointing each other so much, you know? So to me, my definition of love is being willing to die for someone… that you yourself want to kill. Which is kind of confusing… like if someone were to break into my house and hold up a gun to the person I love, I would jump in front of the gun. I’d go, “Wait, no, stop! Let me do it! Dude, I am begging you!” I also think in this culture we express love in a very twisted way. In this culture we show love by giving each other presents… jewelry and trips and stuff… and to me, that’s not what love’s about. That’s too easy, you know. For me love is about the way you treat a person on a daily basis when no one else is around. Little things, you know? Like if you love me, for example, the second sex is over, if I was on top, don’t push me off you… as quickly as possible… If you love me, you will let me dismount with a little fucking dignity. You will let me dismount like the swan that I am. Thank you, sir. Or, if you were on top, by some fucking miracle… don’t use my body as a pushing off point. When you get off, don’t push off my face… to go check your phone. It’s about respect. Love to me is about respect. Little things, you know. If you love me and we’re taking a shower together, don’t pee. Why is that so confusing? Don’t-don’t make me stand in your piss… like a fucking asshole. Use your head. You know, if you love me, you’ll think ahead. Little things like if you love me and you buy me lingerie as a gift, don’t buy me a small top and a medium bottom. Okay? If you love me, you will buy me a large top and a small bottom, and I’ll exchange that shit on my own time. Love is just like don’t be stupid. You know, little things. Like if you love me, let me wake up before you start having sex with me. Can I get some gum? Can you just give me a sec… This isn’t prison. I’m going to say ‘yes’. Have a little faith in yourself, you know? I also think that phrase “I love you” is tricky because I think when you’re in a relationship for a long time, it starts to lose its value, you know. It starts to deteriorate. Like when you first say I love you, it’s such a big deal. You know, you’re like “I love you”, but after awhile, you’re just like “Love you!” Then after that, you’re just like, “You, too”, and finally you’re just like “Fuck you!” Love is dangerous, you know. It’s a very dangerous thing we do. We give someone else the ability to hurt us. At any moment you could just get your heart broken, have your life ruined just like that, and I think that makes us all a little tense. I think we’re all a little on edge, you know. Love is so insane that when you hear about someone who’s in love who does a terrible thing, you side with them. Like when I hear about a woman who killed her husband, the first thing I think I’m like, well, what the fuck did he do? That poor woman! Love makes you think about things you never thought you’d do before, you know? Like getting married. This last relationship I thought I was going to get married. For me, I never thought I was going to get married because I have all this divorce in my family, you know, but I also think that when you get older as a woman, marriage just becomes a little more appealing because marriage is set up for girls as an offer that you just cannot refuse, you know? If someone came up to me on the street randomly and marriage as an institution did not exist, and someone was just like, “Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you whatever the fuck you want?” And then you get to move into somebody else’s house and get on their health insurance plan… And then if they cheat on you, you get half their shit, no questions asked. Would you be interested in that? Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get all that shit? Well, you just have to have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know, fuck it. I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit. Where do I sign up? It’s not that we love you. We just want shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like we don’t always have sex with you guys because we like want that dick. No! No! Okay? Half the time I have sex with a guy, it’s because it burns calories. I’m like oh, God. I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go to the gym, so… I should probably just fuck this guy. But I really go for it, you know. I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights. I get in there and… In this last relationship, I was going so insane that I started doing research to try to figure out what goes on chemically in your brain when you’re in love. And I read this book called The Female Brain. Has anyone read this book? Ooh! One… dude? All right, what you got going on over here considering the fact that you’re with a dude? Why would you need that book? I respect that. You just wanted to get a head start, just kind of figure it out. So you’re just here alone? I respect that. You’re not going home alone… that’s for sure. That book’s amazing, right? This book is all about the way women’s brains are wired, and essentially it said that we have like millions of more emotions and hormones and like synapses that connect… basically, it’s a miracle that we’re not crying all the fucking time… which is a bummer because I feel like guys hate that, you know? You know, I feel like guys hate that women are so emotional and sensitive, right? You guys think women are crazy, right? Yes? Okay. All right. You think this is fun for me? You think I would ever choose this for myself? You think I enjoy crying every time Adele is on the radio? That’s embarrassing, okay. You think I enjoy Googling your ex-girlfriend three hours a day? You think I have that kind of time? You think I enjoy trying to guess every one of your security question answers? Oh, shit! What street did he grow up on? It’s weird because that’s all I hear from guys is that women are crazy. Women are so crazy. But I have tons of girlfriends, and I hang out with my girlfriends alone all the time, and when guys aren’t around, women are super cool, rational, logical, but then they start dating some dude, and they lose their mind. Women are not crazy… you guys fucking make us that way. Okay? I’m just sayin’, take your passwords off your fucking phones. It’s just weird because I feel like being crazy and sensitive… like that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. I think that’s kind of an asset, you know? I think girls should be paranoid and hypervigilant and emotional because we’re responsible for raising helpless babies. Okay? We can’t think like you guys. We can’t be fucking sociopaths… or else babies would just die… all the time and our species would be extinct. Like if we felt like you guys, we would give birth to a baby, you know, take it home from the hospital if we even went to the hospital… because I don’t need a doctor. Then we would like put it in the sink for a month. Just throw Doritos on it, every now and then spray it with Axe Body Spray… And when we were done with it, we would just like put it on Craig’s List, like, ah, I can get a few bucks for that. I feel like you guys think that we like choose to be crazy, you know? It’s an act of choice. Like I feel like you guys think that we wake up on any given morning and just decide we’re going to have a terrible day. I feel like you guys think we wake up and we’re like oh my God, I’m going to have such a good day today. I’m going to hang out with my boyfriend, we’re going to go hang out, see a movie… you know what? No. I have a better idea. I’m going to wake up, feel fat for two hours… then get mad at my boyfriend because he said good morning in a weird tone… then I’m going to break up with him in my head… I’m not going to tell him we broke up. It’s none of his fucking business whether we’re together or not. Then I’m going to go spend $200 on jeans that don’t fit… then I’m going to go eat cucumbers with barbecue sauce on them… then I’m going to get mad at him again because he suggested we see a Scarlett Johansson movie… what the fuck is that? Then I’m going to go spend two hours online looking at wedding dresses. Not a great day for us, either, you know? I think it’s funny that guys are never called crazy because I feel like guys do things that are like, crazy, you know? But guys are never called crazy. Like, for a guy to get called crazy, he’s got to be like… he’s got to be like naked in an alley jerking off on a dead pigeon… singing bible hymns like “Over the River”… But even then we’re like, oh my God, that guy is homeless. That is so sad. Do you have a dollar? Give him a dollar. But for a girl to get called crazy, we just have to send you two text messages in a row. She’s fucking crazy, man. She’s fucking stalking me, bro. She’s obsessed with me, man. I’m like I don’t know, I’m not crazy. I’m just locked out of the house. Can you let me in the house? I’m not stalking you. I live here. My house. We live together. I’m not obsessed with you. I hate you, so… Guys are never called crazy, but I feel like guys do things that are actually crazy. Like things that would put you in an insane asylum. Like you guys will talk to athletes in the TV. You think they can fucking hear you. That’s literal schizophrenia. That is a mental illness. Like I was watching some of my guy friends a couple of months ago. They were watching a Giants game and they were talking to Eli Manning. They were having a conversation with this person. They were like, Eli, listen to me. Eli, listen to me. We have been through this, bro. I’m like, bitch, you’ve not been through shit with him, man. He cannot hear you, and even if he could hear you, why would he take advice from you? You can’t even get your Heinekens in the fucking garbage can. I feel like you guys watching sports should give you a little more sympathy for us because now you know what it’s like to yell at a man and have him completely ignore you. Every day is Sunday for us. You guys say the meanest things to these athletes, the meanest things. Like they were watching Tom Brady and they were like Tom Brady, you suck. Tom Brady sucks. I don’t know that much about football, but I’m pretty sure Tom Brady doesn’t suck at football. I’m pretty sure you suck. I’m pretty sure all you suck at football. I just wish these athletes would stand up for themselves, you know, against these horrible things you say. I wish just one time Tom Brady would look directly into the camera and be like, “Hey man, fuck you, I got this… “I make 20 million dollars a year “and you can’t even do a fucking sit-up… Get off my dick, man.” That’s where you guys get delusional about sports. Like I feel if we get delusional about like relationship stuff, but sports is where you guys kind of lose your mind. Like I have this guy friend who… he carries a football around in his car… like bitch, you’re 50. No one wants to play football with you. Like to him it’s like… like it’s not over yet, you know. Like in his mind he’s going to get a call… Like any minute he’s getting a phone call. If the coach of the Giants doesn’t call him like, “Hey, man. “Eli’s hurt… You still got that football in your car?” I’m trying to kind of take responsibility for my part in being crazy, you know? I’m trying to be more mature in relationships, and I don’t think that it’s just women who are biologically fixed to be crazy… I don’t think that’s it. I think there’s a lot of socialization that messes us up, too. Like I realize I have incredibly high expectations for romance, and I don’t even know where they come from. Like I realized recently when I get off a plane, I fully expect the guy that I’m dating to be waiting for me at the airport, surprising me. What shitty movie did we see… You know what? I actually… I think it was Crocodile Dundee… I swear to God. Remember in the ’90s all those guys were like just rushing to the airport? Because as an adult, today, I will fully get off a plane. I will go on the escalator and I will be like… Fucking asshole. Which is so unfair to you guys, you know? Because if you guys were to actually do that, it would be a complete disaster. If the guy I was dating showed up at the airport when I got off the plane, all tired and sticky and shit, I’d be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He’d be like oh, I just, you know, wanted to come surprise you at the airport. I’d be like, you drove to the airport? I drove to the airport. Now we have two cars at the fucking airport! What lot are you in? You’re in lot B? We have to take a bus to your lot? Oh, you piece of shit! That’s crazy, you know, but I think there are a lot of things that contribute to us being a little irritable, you know? I think that part of girls being crazy is the fact that being a female is just so frustrating. Like there’s so much work we have to do, there’s so much maintenance that goes into it, and most of what we do is to make you guys think we’re attractive, so we’re resentful, you know. I feel like by 9 AM we already hate you. Okay? Because of all this shit we have to do from 8 to 9 AM to make you think we’re fuckin’ pretty. Like do you know the kind of shit that goes on in your bathroom, sir? You don’t know. You’re wearing shorts. And what are those… are those Crocs? Oh my God, white people are so embarrassing. Unbelievable! And she… you don’t understand the kind of stuff that goes on in the bathroom. She’s working hard and you’re wearing… your pajamas. This is unbelievable. Do you realize the things that we do? We spray aerosol. We inhale aerosol every day. Okay? Then we put on makeup which is just chemicals and poison… then we put on perfume which is pure alcohol. It’s not that we bitchy… we’re just high… most of the time. Bitches are just lit up everywhere. Have you ever seen a girl put on perfume. She’s like eh, eh, eh… Ah-h-h. Okay, let’s go. Where we going? The torture we put ourselves through… it’s just annoying, you know? Like do you know what eyeliner is, sir? Do you have any idea? A little bit. A little bit, little bit, little bit. Sorry, I can’t stop looking at your scrotum. Unbelievable! Eyeliner… no idea. Just based on the word eye…liner. Zero? Nothing. Zip. Guys don’t even know. Do you have any idea, sir? – I can take a hint. – You can take a hint. Okay, let’s see. You apply it to your eye. See, this is… he’s my worst nightmare. This is my worst nightmare. This is literal guy. This is the guy who in a fight, he just sticks to the facts. To win… he’s the guy who’s like, “No, no, no I didn’t say you were a bitch. I said you were being a bitch.” And you’re like, okay, I got to go regroup… I’ll be right back. Does any guy know how eyeliner is applied? This amazes me. The guy has no idea. With a brush. With a brush… no! That’s another masochistic thing we do. That’s eye shadow… it’s applied with a brush. The point of eye shadow is to make us look like we have black eyes, so why don’t you take a good hard look at yourself and why you think that’s attractive, sickos. I can’t do eye shadow myself. It’s actually difficult to do. I just have to be like baby, can you punch me in the face? I’m going to work. Eyeliner… nothing. This is amazing to me. Eyeliner. What’s that? Do you know how? With a pen? No! What else, what’s close to pen? – A pencil. – Pencil! Doesn’t that sound a little fucking dangerous to anybody else? We’re putting pencils in our eyeballs. Like I think the first thing you learn as a child is do not get a pencil near your eye… until you become an adult woman… in which case we want you to put it inside your eyeball every morning. We know you’re probably going to do it while you’re driving. We don’t care… only way to get a man to like you. I was worried that it was taking some kind of toll on our eyesight, like collectively as women, you know. I feel like putting ink and pencils and dye… this has got to be bad for our vision. You know, sometimes women see shit that’s just not fucking there. I think there’s a correlation. I used to always accuse my ex of checking out hot chicks in front of me. He’d be like what chicks… I don’t see any chicks. I’d be like I don’t know, motherfucker. I don’t have any peripheral vision anymore, from all this eyeliner. I see hot chicks everywhere. So much suffering. There’s so much pain involved in being a girl, you know? I don’t think women are weak. I think women are too strong because we just endure it. We just take it and don’t complain about it, but I do think that it manifests in other ways. Like next time you’re talking to a girl and you think she’s acting like shitty or unreasonable, just remember that she’s got a polyester string in her asshole. Yeah, she’s probably a little stressed out, okay? We’re all a little on edge, and I think that’s probably why. A guy will be like what’s up your ass? I’m like uh-h-h. I can tell you right now, it’s a polyester string I paid $35 for. That I can’t even put in the fucking dryer. Do you have a question? I can’t do a lot of it, you know. I can’t do high heels. I cannot do high heels because I feel like it makes me shitty. I get in a bad mood when I’m wearing high heels, you know. It’s just so weird to me. Some of you guys are here with girls tonight whose feet are bleeding. But you’re not doing anything about it. It’s not even weird… you’re not getting them a Band-Aid, nothing. It’s just accepted that we like limp around, you know. I also don’t like it because I feel like when I do, the guy that I’m with will get mad at me for wearing heels, you know? He’ll go why are you wearing those high-heeled shoes? It’s going to ruin our whole night because you’re going to be complaining the entire time about your feet hurting and I’m going to have to go get the car and pull the car around. Like um, hey bro, I’m wearing heels so that you want to fuck me. Because if I don’t, you’re going to leave me for someone who does. I’ve seen porn, and none of those bitches are wearing Aerosoles. Just go get the car. Like I’m always trying to look good for guys and it’s always backfiring on me, you know? Like when I’m taking too long in the bathroom… you’re taking forever in the bathroom. We’re going to miss our reservation. I’m like I’m sorry… I’m just in here trying to make you think I’m pretty. I’m not in a huge rush to get to the restaurant. It’s not like I can eat anything once we get there anyway. I’m fucking starving to death. I haven’t had bread since ’95, so just be cool, man. Then we get in trouble for that. Why are you always on a diet? You’re always on a diet. I’m on a diet because I’m trying to get the body of the women you jerk off to after I fall asleep. It’s not just that I love lettuce. Okay? I don’t love lettuce. What is the confusion. It’s always something, man. Why are you always cold? Why are you always cold? You’re always cold. I’m cold because I lasered my entire body… so that you would think I’m soft, you fucking pedophile. Unbelievable! Actually, there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know. You know there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know and I feel like if you knew about it, you’d be a little less frustrated with us, you know? Like there’s so much stuff you guys don’t know. Like you guys don’t know about the voices. No one told you about that shit, huh? You think it’s bad when our mouths are moving… no, that’s the best case scenario. It’s when our mouths are shut that you need to be concerned. Because that means we’re fucking thinking. That’s when all the problems start. Because I feel like in this culture girls are taught to be so self-critical. You know, we compare ourselves to such an impossible physical ideal that we’re always judging ourselves. You know, I’m so insecure at this point I just have this constant inner monologue saying the meanest shit to me all the time. It’s just like, “Hey, Whitney, “your thighs are touching… “You probably shouldn’t have had that cheese “last night, you fuckin’ pig. “You haven’t gone to the gym yet today… “that’s an interesting choice. “I guess you’re just going to die alone. “Even if a man does marry you, you’re so loud he’s going to leave you for an Asian girl.” Just the meanest stuff, constantly. But I feel like guys don’t have that same insecurity, you know? Obviously. I don’t think guys are self-critical like that. I feel like guys doing a monologue is totally different. I feel like guys doing a monologue are like, “What’s up, bro? “Looking awesome! “Really killing it today, per usual. “Dude, I don’t think you need to shave today… “that weird black hair growing out of your back looks cool. “Dude, do not shave your face. “Fuck your girlfriend and her bloody chin. “Fuck her! “Dude, I’m thinking you should wear “those awesome cargo shorts again today. With socks and sandals.” Must be nice. Must be nice to like yourselves. I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out what guys are thinking about, you know? That’s like our favorite thing to do as girls, right… ask guys what they’re thinking, you know? “Hey babe, what are you thinking about… ” it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” Like we got to stop doing that. That has never gone well for any girl. Like no girl in the history of time was ever like “Hey babe, what are you thinking about…” And the guy was like, “Well… …I’m glad you asked. “I was just thinking about how young you look “and how much I love monogamy. Can we talk about it?” No, it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” But, you know what… I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I think guys really do think about fuckin’ nothing. Like I feel like guys drive down the street and this is pretty much what goes on in your mind. Driving down the street just in your car… “Tree. “Tree. Damn, she’s got big tits.” But then that’s pretty much it. Right? If there’s no emotion, it’s just like thing, thing, stuff, thing, thing, stuff, thing. But for me to drive down that same street, nightmare. Stress. Memories, emotions, triggering. So much drama. For me to drive down that same street, it’s like, Oh my God, look at that tree. My ex-boyfriend had a tree in his yard. Oh my God! I miss him so much. Oh, look at that tree. That tree’s thinner than me. What the fuck… I hate trees. Well, who’s this bitch with the big tits? And that’s just to get to Rite-Aid. It’s just a saga. You know, I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine. I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine and I was just telling him, you know, that I think that being a girl is just more of a challenge sometimes because we have more to think about, you know. We have to worry about all this superficial stuff… our, you know, nails getting done, our hair, our clothes and matching and purses and stuff. He’s like “Yeah, yeah, but that’s not our fault. “That’s not our fault because women don’t dress for men. Women dress for other women.” Does anyone fuck… I will fight you right now… All of you. Women do not dress for other women. That’s such a ridiculous philosophy. Look, I’ve never been getting ready putting on a miniskirt like yeah, my waitress tonight is going to love this. Like, no, women do not dress for other women and I know this because I have girls’ nights in my house. And when girls are alone and no guys are around, we look like sea creatures. Okay? It looks like a pirate ship crashed into my house. Okay? We all got dreadlocks, we’re wearing slankets around, pajama jeans, all our leg hairs just in corn rows. We have our dicks hanging out. If a girl comes over with makeup on, I’m like, “Bitch, go wash your face. Whose team are you on?” I do think this idea, though, is kind of at the root of the philosophy that people think that women don’t like other women. I think that happens because when we’re super dressed up to impress a guy and we see each other, we avoid each other because we’re so embarrassed of all the pathetic, desperate shit we’re doing to impress a dude. You know, like when I’m super dressed up in a push-up bra and a mini dress and heels and I see a group of girls, I’m not like, “What’s up, bitches? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” No! When I see a group of girls, I’m so humiliated at all the dumb, slutty shit I’m doing, I’m like, “Oh God, hi. “Um… “I know this is bad. “It’s just that he’s really shallow and um, “I’m in my 30’s now, so I’ve got to make a move, “you know what I mean… and he’s got a 401k… you get it.” I don’t like that idea that women don’t like other women. I don’t think that’s true. I just think that women support other women when it really counts. You know, we come in and have each other’s back when it really counts… like when we go to the bathroom together. You want to know what’s going on in there? There’s one girl having a bad night, a bunch of bitches who have never met each other in their lives are like soldiers at war, nursing each other’s wounds. One girl is on the floor… I’m like, all right, pull those Spanx up. Somebody get a Band-Aid for that blister. Someone… her eyebrow just melted off… gotta get a Sharpie to draw that shit back on. All right, someone get some Super Glue for those eye lashes. Her hair extensions just fell out… someone get a stapler to staple that horsehair back on her head. Now, bitch, you wipe the tears off your tits and you listen to me right now. You’re going to go back out there, put a smile on your face and pretend he’s interesting. Go! Thank you! I don’t like that at all. I think when women are nasty with other women, it’s much more subtle, like it’s much more insidious, you know. Like I have this girlfriend, every time I see her, she’d be like, “Hey, hooker. ‘s up, slut?” Which that’s never going to feel good, you know? But to me it’s just a reminder that I think we need to stop using the word hooker as a pejorative term. I have a lot of respect for hookers. I think they work very hard and they do a lot of the jobs that we don’t want to fucking do. They are cleaning up a lot of messes out there. They are American heroes. I also think hookers look at us like we’re the idiots, you know? They look at us and they’re like, “Those bitches are having sex for free? What a bunch of fuckin’ whores.” So silly. I don’t know, man. I feel like when I was trying to figure out what guys were thinking about, I came across some stuff that was just too discouraging, you know. Like I came across an article that said that guys think about sex at least every five minutes. Was that like disturbing, right? Like you guys are responsible for like really important shit like wars and bombs, and you guys can’t focus for five fucking minutes… Like important men are thinking about sex every five minutes which is like Barack Obama thinks about sex every five minutes which probably explains why he’s always stuttering during his fucking speeches. It’s like, dude, get your shit together, man, you know? But you’ll see it happen. You’ll see him giving a speech and you’ll see that five-minute mark hit. You’ll see sex enter his mind. He’ll be like, “We’re going to go into Afghanistan “and we’re going to discuss the… “um, we’re going to, “ah, we’re going to get on the, uh, Dude, I just saw that, man. You were just thinking about titties… Afghan titties. I saw it happen. It’s just concerning to me. I feel like there are a lot of jobs where you guys probably need to focus, right? Like heart surgeons think about sex every five minutes and heart surgeries are like five hours long, so that’s like 60 times. Like you know heart surgeons are just sitting there looking at an open heart like yeah, I’d put my dick in that. I said it. It’s kind of weird, though, that guys think about sex. Like we’ve accepted it so much as a society now. You know, it’s so institutionalized. We’ve embraced it, you know. Like there’s just a restaurant called Hooters… that’s just a restaurant. Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that for women, you know, called like Dongs. Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant. Nobody would ever eat there. We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex… I gotta be honest. It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon. No. No. So it’s like some weird shitake mushroom coming out… It’s always going up like a snorkel. Like why is it up? Get it down there! It’s always like on one side, all mis… why is it so misallocated? Disgusting. Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that for women where the waiters were dressed up to arouse the women eating there, they would not be in Speedos, okay? They’d be wearing suits, carrying briefcases, holding up their perfect credit reports. Like I feel like girls don’t need like sex while we’re doing our jobs, you know. Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah. Just put that butter on the pan, girl. Just get it in the roast. I just realized I don’t know anything about cooking. Did you see the wheels just turning there? Like it wasn’t even clo… Roast? No one does a roast anymore. I’m going to work on that. You guys just need sex all the time. Like in completely nonsexual situations, guys need sex, you know. Like sports, perfect example. Football. You guys are watching football and you’ve got these amazing athletes on the field doing amazing things, incredible. They’re flying, they’re doing phenomenal things. Not enough for you. You still need whores around the perimeter… of the field. God forbid there’d be two seconds without a tit in the background of something you’re watching. Cheerleaders crack me up, man. So funny to me because that’s so obviously a guy’s idea, you know. Like a guy obviously thought of that because the cheerleaders still cheer even when their team is fucking losing… they cheer. No real women would ever act like that. If her man was out on the field for five hours on a Sunday bombing, she wouldn’t be like go, baby, go, go. She’d be like Jason, we’re leaving. First of all, you’re embarrassing me, okay? Second of all, I’m freezing cold, I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes. Wrap it up. I think I figured out why guys like sex more. I think it’s biological. I think it’s because sex is so much better for guys. You know, it’s so much easier. Like for a guy… sex is better for guys because it’s so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm. You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm, it’s just like… it’s like you just… Pretty much all that has to happen is you just have to kind of walk into something or… There has to be like a drizzle out, you know. Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men’s orgasms to three basic categories. Like there’s three basic ones… The first one is like you just got shot in the back with an arrow… The second one is like you’re puking… And the third one is a rare one, but it’s for the guys that are like secretly psychos and they hate women and it’ll come out like right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere. They’ll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah. Shut up, you dumb whore! I’m like, oh no! I thought we were in love. You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard… it is so hard to have an orgasm. It’s… I cannot wait to have one. I hear they’re great. I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm, you’ve got to be like… you’ve got to be like focused. You have to be like emotionally connected. You’ve got to be relaxed. You’ve got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder because you guys watch porn and you think that the porn stars are having orgasms, but they’re all faking it and they make it look so fucking easy. Like porn stars will be just like’ “Ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.” That’s nothing. That’s she’s coming down from a meth binge. Nothing’s happening to her. I can’t compete with that, you know. Like if your girl is having an orgasm, she’s not going ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming. If your girl is having an orgasm, she’s going’ “Do not fucking move!” I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. Bastard! Slower. Tell me you love me… you better fucking mean it this time! Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit! Pull my hair, not the extensions! Shut up, you dumb whore! Seriously, for me to have an orgasm, like my right leg has to be behind my left shoulder… Like you’ve got a charleyhorse in your ass, you know. You got those crazy bloodshot eyes going, veins in our foreheads. Our foreheads look like your dicks… just veins… I know it’s not easy for you guys, either. Now you guys have to like do so much work. You guys have to hit the same spot like 500 times, you know. That’s why I like to be helpful during sex, you know. That’s why I treat sex like the game “Operation”. If the guy misses, I’m just like… I used to be very against porn, you know. I thought it was bad for women and like degrading and shit, but now I kind of like it. Uh, because you know why… because I watched it, and when I watched it, I learned so much stuff that I had to be kind of grateful for it. I learned watching porn that the girls in porn they’ll request to the man where they want him to finish which I didn’t know that was an option. See, nobody told me that we had a vote in that. I’ve just been taking whatever shots have been coming at me… since 1998… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been storming the shores of Normandy… That’s a history joke. I don’t know. Now that I know that’s an option… to request where you’d want the man to finish… I’m I’m ready. Now I’ve got some ideas. Maybe like, yeah, I really want you to come… In the bathroom? You just want to time that out… whatever you’ve got to do to just… In the sink! I like the big one, though. The big one in porn is the coming on the face. That’s the big one, right? Yeah. Let’s talk about it. Like I really think that as a society we kind of need to discuss why we like this so much, you know, and why you guys think that we like love it. Like who told you that we like need it? No, nobody ever wants this to happen to them. If a girl asks you to come on her face, it’s because she thinks you’re going to breakup with her. Always buys you at least another month or so. My problem with it is like the second it’s over. You know, I try to be fun. You know while it’s happening I can get into it, you know, because while it’s happening you can be like yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah. Look at us. Yeah, hit me, hit me. Yeah, ooh, yeah. We are so crazy. We are wild and crazy… Can I get like a towel or something? Or maybe like a baby wipe or some… or maybe like a pick ax because now it’s turned to stone. I can’t open my fucking eyes. He’s not going to help you. He’s too busy taking photos to send his friends. You guys are animals. But I get why guys watch porn. I get it now because it’s so obvious. It’s just that naked women are hot. All naked women are hot. You know, there’s so much to look at, yeah. It’s disgusting of you. You’re with a date, man. That’s going to be a fight. But, right? All boobs and butts… they all look amazing, you know? That’s why you guys watch porn. Girls don’t watch porn as much because naked guys… uck! Such a bummer, you know. It’s just such a… this whole Wes Craven situation you got going on… it’s just disgusting, you know. It’s a lot… it’s a lot to take. Because like when a dick comes on the screen, we’re not like yeah, “Look at that dick. Yeah, I want that dick.” No. When a dick comes on the screen, we’re like, “Oh, there’s a dick. “What’s it doing? “What’s the dick doing? Does it see me? Does the dick see me?” Like there’s just nothing attractive about it, you know. Like dicks are so ugly… that the second you guys are born, someone has to cut some of it off. To make it even somewhat presentable to society. You guys love your dicks though, man, you love them. You’re going yeah! Dicks! You guys walk around, you lead with it. Lead with it, just walking around, just letting it go. Yeah, just loving my dick. You know when you guys are alone, you’re just like… You guys walk around so proud of it. You guys walk around like you got a first place trophy in-between your legs. I got news for you… it doesn’t look like a first place trophy. Looks like an old yam. Have you seen it? Have you… you know what… no, you haven’t seen it because your hand is always on it. You’ve never actually seen it before. Always touchin’ it. Always touchin’ it, touchin’ it, touchin’ it. What do you… what are you do… Are you cleaning it off, like are you trying to get three wishes out of it? Leave it alone. Just let it just dry off. You know what that means, right? You’re always touching your dicks. You know what that means… you got dick on your hands… all of you. You have dick, dick, dick, dick, dicking hands. All of you. You see guys know that. Guys are in on it. That’s why guys are always giving each other the fist pump. They know, you know. Did you ever see two guys walk towards each other? Like hey man, what’s up, man? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been touching my dick today, too, man. Yeah, we both got dicks. We got dicks. Like that’s like your whole day. Just like eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. That’s the trick. That is the trick of dating is that when you get back out there, you’ve got to see all these new dicks, you know? I know, it’s a lot. Like when you live with someone for a while or you’re married, you get used to their dick, you know? It’s like it grows on you. It’s like a basset hound… like it’s ugly but it’s yours. You know. It’ll come over and like hey, what are you doing? You’re like hi, dick, what’s u-up? Do you want to hang out? No, not really. But when you’re single, man, you’ve got to see all these new dicks. You know, you’ve got to, you’ve got to really get in there, you know. But the problem is when you see a new dick because every new dick is a whole new set of WebMD searches. You know. You’ve got to inspect the new ones. You’ve got to make sure everything’s legit. You’ve got to make sure everything’s, you know, safe. You know, but the problem is when you get that close to a dick, you’re that close to a dick. You know what happens when you’re that close to a dick. Yeah. You’ve got to put that thing in your mouth. And it’s not because we want to… it’s because something happens when a woman’s face is within like a foot of a man’s dick where a hand will come down… And you can’t get out… it moves with you. Oh shit! Fine! That is so rude! Man, I don’t mean to be mean about it… I just feel like you guys don’t see it from our perspective, you know. You don’t see what we see. You know, we’ve got to see this super weird transformation happen that is so creepy, you know. Here’s the thing… anything that changes in shape, size, and color without your permission is a little fucking weird. You know. Like from our point of view, it is terrifying. Like this is what it looks like from our point of view, just so you guys know. Okay, it’ll start out just hanging, chilling. You’re touchin’ it, touchin’ it. Then you’re like… it’ll hear like a noise or… Um? “Would you like to play?” I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming down for the show, everybody. Thank you. I just want to say I really appreciate you guys coming out. Standup is my favorite thing to do in the world and I do it for you guys. So, thank you so much for supporting me. I love you very much. Bye, everybody.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RUSSELL HOWARD: RECALIBRATE (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-howard-recalibrate-2017-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Russell Howard! Thank you very much indeed. It’s nice to be happy. ‘Cause the world’s awful at the minute, isn’t it? How depressing is the world? Look at politics in this country. The right are too right and the left are too left. And none of them speak for us. It’s ridiculous. “Brexit means Brexit. I want my country back.” And over here it’s just as bad. “What are we gonna call female fishermen?” It’s not your country. Vag-anglers. Can we not… discuss something that matters? When the fuck did Piers Morgan become socially relevant? When did that happen? Every day that toxic prick’s telling us what he thinks. He always says the same thing. “l’m just saying what the man in the street’s thinking.” Fuck off. I’ll tell you what the man in the street’s thinking. “She’s all right. What’s for tea? l’d like to be a Jedi.” That’s… That’s what the man in the street is thinking. Piers Morgan doesn’t speak for me, doesn’t speak for you. No one knows what makes us happy. Do you know what makes me really, really happy? I like looking after my nephew. He’s three. Lot of fun, hanging out with a three-year-old. ‘Cause you can teach them things and no one knows you did the teaching. Here is my gift from me to you. I taught my nephew to say this. “Yes. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” It makes anything creepy. That is the beauty. It couldn’t have worked better. My sister came home. She’s like, “Wes. Mum’s back. Do you want a bath?” “Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” “What have you done to my baby?” “I’ve made him better. Look at him.” My brother taught him chat-up lines. Oh, my God. The day we had. We were in the park and this girl went, “Oh, my God. He’s so cute.” “Are you a light switch? ‘Cause you’re turning me on.” “Make him stop.” “Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” People are wonderful. They sometimes drift into your life and cheer you up. I was in an elevator in New York and two women started laughing. Proper, deep… I started laughing just because they were laughing. I said, “What are we giggling at?” This woman looked at me and went, “Sugar, has anyone ever told you… you look like Ellen?” And oh, my God. You’ve… You’ve never heard laughter like this. I looked at myself and said, “l’m fucking Ellen. I look like Ellen.” That wasn’t even the weirdest thing. One of them started squeezing her friend’s breasts. Fifty years old. Honking each other. I’ve never got more instantly English in my life. I genuinely said out loud, “What’s going on here?” It was like a monocle fell down and I toppled off a pony. Listen to her answer. Still squeezing her friend’s breast. She just went, “It’s her birthday.” What a world. No man has got that excuse. Imagine that, mate. You’re down the pub, just tickling your mate’s… “‘Cause it’s his birthday is why. Darren, come over here and tickle Dave’s spuds.” * For he’s a jolly good fellow * I’d quite like to be a lady, you know? When I was a kid, me and my brother used to play a game called Lady Wrestling. We stopped when we were seven ’cause Dad said, and I quote, “You’re going to jail.” Do you know what we used to do? We used to tuck our willies between our legs and have a fight. That was it. Just… And the loser was the first person who was tickled enough that their willy fell out and they no longer resembled a woman. I can still see my dad’s confused face. Just, “What’s that bloody noise?” “I’ll deal with it, darling. Don’t you… Fuckin’ hell!” “Morning.” “Get your dick out of your ass and get ready for school!” “Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Yes! But I would. l’d like to be a lady. It’s the kindness that women show. When you’re drunk, you’re lovely to each other. I was in the tube recently. There’s a load of girls, all a bit pissed. One of the girls got stuck in the tube door. None of her friends laughed. None of them. “Sarah!” They rescued her, started stroking her hair. “I was scared, girls. I was scared.” If that was a man, he’d still be on the fucking Underground. “Lads, seriously. It’s moving now.” Nyaah! “Say hello to Facebook, you fat fuck. You’re gonna die! Tickle his balls. Tickle his balls.” That’s what happens, isn’t it? If one of your friends passes out, you don’t look after him. Your weirdest mate will go up to him, get his balls out, pop them on his head or in his mouth. Do you ring the police? No. You take picture after picture. No woman has that story. That’s why you’re better than us. You’ve never made that call. “Gotta go, Steve. The usual’s happening. Sarah’s out cold and Linda’s rubbing her fanny on her face. I gotta Snapchat this. Get a good one, Miriam. Get a good one. Hashtag muffling.” Exactly. “Muffling.” I’ve just invented a word… for a thing that will never happen. It’s vital to laugh. Vital to laugh at yourself. I’ve got a lazy eye. I know it looks silly. People often point that out. A woman came up to me recently and went, “‘Scuse me. When you cum, do your eyes look normal?” I don’t know. I’ve never masturbated in front of a mirror. Imagine that with my girlfriend. “Look at my eyes. Am I a real boy?” It’s good to laugh at ourselves, isn’t it? I had a brilliant one recently, right. I was waiting for a train in Bristol. And because l’m on the TV all the time, people were coming up to me and they were taking pictures. But they weren’t asking. It was weird. l’m stood there. Five different people. “Hey, look. There you go.” Five of them. l’m stood there. I didn’t know what to do. I was so embarrassed. Two little kids even went, “Oh, yeah. Let’s get him as well.” I’m so ashamed of what I said. This is the truth. I looked and went, “Hey! Stop taking pictures of me! Come and have a chat!” I obviously set myself to dickhead. This is what I said. “I may be famous… but l’m still a person.” But this is where life is wonderful, because this bloke looked at me and went, “Mate, you’re stood next to a Pokémon.” I nearly… Fuck! You have… You have to take things on the chin. It’s vital to laugh, isn’t it? And you never know when laughter’s going to drift into your life. Like, I feel America’s pain. When Trump was elected… My granddad died the same day that Trump was elected. It was like he was stood there, going, “I ain’t living through that shit. Night-night, everyone!” But this is the truth. When I found out my granddad had died, and he meant everything to me, I was on holiday in Mexico. My mum rang me up. She started crying. “Russell, your granddad’s dead.” And I started weeping with her. And yet, at the exact moment I found out that he was dead, there was a Mexican man who was five meters away from me, who just went… I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. It was like the soul of my granddad was looking down, “Russell looks a little bit upset. Beardy man, do the dance.” And the funeral was even better. I’ve never… It was so beautiful. My dad did a eulogy. Every word my dad said… Words became memories. They flew from his mouth. They soared into our heart. They made us cry happy tears. Could it get better? Yes, it could, my friends. Because my nan started heckling. Nothing prepares you for a moment like that. And she made me laugh at a funeral before. She was a funny, funny lady, my nan. We buried a dog, right? It was our dog. We buried the family dog and my mum went, “Who would like to say good-bye?” And my nan went… You know that feeling when you’re not allowed to laugh? The head says “no.” The belly says “yes.” I went to a humanist wedding last year. I am not a bad guy. My friend got married. She walks down the aisle to the theme tune from Jurassic Park. My brother had a glass of water next to me and went… But that’s my brother. I love him. You never know what he’s gonna do. We were in New York earlier this year. There’s a sign in the middle of Times Square that says, “The worst thing you can do if you think you smell a gas leak is nothing.” And I was like, “Well, that’s not true, is it? You could light a match.” That’s what I thought. My little brother looked at that same sign and went, “Well, that’s bollocks, isn’t it, Russ? You could fuck a dog. Just saying that’s probably the worst thing that you could do in that situation. ‘Can you smell gas?’ You start buggering someone’s Labradoodle. Fucking Americans.” You never know what he’s gonna say. We met a girl who had nine fingers in New York. I said, “What happened?” She went, “My little finger was bitten off by a wolf when I was four.” Most people would edge away from that. Not my brother. Straightaway he went, “Fucking hell. Bet you don’t go to many rock gigs.” And you know when you’re like, “Well, we’re all going to die.” She started laughing. They had sex that night. But sometimes he goes too far. There was an incident between my brother and my sister. l’m not saying what he did was right. l’m saying it was funny. Her husband was hit by a car. Yes. I think we can all agree that’s very sad. He was riding his bike… Clink! And he broke both of his arms. My sister rang me up. She said, “Russ. He’s in hospital. He’s okay. He’s just broken his arms. Can you look after my baby?” I was like, “Of course I can. I will do that.” That’s how I responded. Not my brother. This is how he was telling people. “You heard? Carrie’s gotta wipe two assholes.” But you know that feeling when you want to laugh? I love those moments in life. I had a brilliant one earlier this year. I went to Liberia for Comic Relief. Comic Relief, as we all know, is an international charity. People donate money to people in need. There was a village in Liberia that had been decimated by Ebola. And, for some reason, they bring comedians to Africa to help. Doctors would make more sense. “Nope. Bring on the funny-funny man.” There was a village that I went to visit. They had a new school that had been built out of the money that Comic Relief raised. There were children going to school for their first day ever. It was amazing. And, for some reason, I was selected to take those children to school. I was confused. The kids were confused. The villagers were utterly baffled. Here’s a question. Anyone here ever walk some kids out of an African village? Is that a “no”? Let me tell you this. It’s the weirdest moment. It’s, “Morning. Hello. Hello.” You should’ve seen these elders. They’re like, “Where is he taking the children? Who the fu… Does he work for Madonna? Who is this? Look. No. That is Ellen. Hello, Ellen!” “I’m not Ellen!” It was amazing. Fifteen million people watch Comic Relief. There’s a cameraman watching my every move. And the BBC didn’t put this on. And I said, “Why?” And they said, “Russ, you look so embarrassed. It was so funny. But we didn’t want you to look like a dick.” They should have let the world have that moment. Here’s what happened, right? We got on a bus. There was an eight-year-old girl. There was a six-year-old boy. They were very excited. We were going to school. The mum came with us. There’s a cameraman watching my every move. The mum started singing a song. How did the song go? I’ll tell you. * Oh, thank you, Jesus * * For bringing Russell * She started stroking my face. * Thank you, Jesus * * For bringing Russell * What the fuck would you do? The cameraman nearly died. This poor fucker’s like, “Jesus Christ alive. I really want to laugh, but l’m not allowed. But if I don’t, l’m gonna shit blood.” The kids started singing. They were like… * Thank you, Jesus, for bringing Russell Thank you * He’s like, “l’m gonna die here.” And then it took a really strange turn. ‘Cause the little girl looked at me and went, “Sing!” What would you do? I either look like an idiot in front of England or I break her heart. I started singing. I was out loud… * Thank you, Jesus * * For bringing me * “Louder!” “All right.” * Thank * I could see my dad at home. “Fucking come here, quick! Russell’s on the telly! He thinks he’s fucking Jesus!” * Thank you, Jesus * And then my brain went, “Mate, you need to stop singing about Jesus. Why don’t you sing a children’s song?” “That’s a brilliant idea, brain. Then it won’t be creepy.” But rather than explain that, I was so flustered, I just started singing a children’s song louder than the kids. From nowhere. They were like… * Thank you, Jesus, for bringing Russell * * Old MacDonald had a farm * * E-I-E-I-O * I kid you not. The little boy looked at me and went, “What is an E-I-E-I-O?” “I don’t know what an E-I-E-I-O is.” “Then why did you say…” “I don’t fucking know! I’m just trying to save Africa.” And this is how it felt at my granddad’s funeral. We’re desperately trying to concentrate. But my nan is so funny. My dad is talking about my granddad. My nan had a cough. She was like… “I got a cough.” “I know that. Stop looking at me.” Nobody was laughing. Everyone was concentrating. Everyone. Nobody wanted to be the person that went, “Aaah!” And then she did something beautiful. My nan connected everyone. In the middle of something as sad as my granddad’s funeral, we found laughter. Because my nan roared out loud… “Has anyone got anything I can suck?” That was too much for the Howards. We lost our collec… Just a room full of people… I could see my little brother fighting the urge not to go, “Fucking hell, Granddad. You picked the wrong day to die.” It was… poetry. And you’ve all been there. Everyone in this room has been in a moment like that. You know? When you’re lost in laughter? There is no past. There is no future. You’re just swirling in giggles. I think it’s all we can do. Giggle at the madness of the world. Every day you switch on the news. The news in this country is just, “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Raining.” That is the news. Donald Trump said the other day he’s not gonna visit Britain – until he gets a warm… – He’s a wanker! Because he’s a wanker. There you go. I couldn’t even finish it. But that’s… that’s a real measure of the feeling, isn’t it? I didn’t even finish the sentence. “You wanker!” That’s how we feel all across Britain. Do you know what they’ve done in Scotland? He’s got a golf course in Aberdeen. They’ve had to put extra security staff on at that golf course ’cause Scottish men keep breaking in and shitting in the holes. That’s how we feel about Mr. Trump. It’s the most Scottish reaction. “I don’t like that bastard one bit. l’m with you, America.” Yet lots of people at the minute, “We can’t let Trump come to England. We can’t. We can’t let him meet the queen.” I think we can. That’s how we get rid of that bully. That’s how we get rid of that bigot. We use Liz… as bait. Think about it. “Come in, Donald. Come in. Probably weary from the battle and shit. Come in. Pull up a pew, doll.” We don’t know what the queen‘s like. Let’s be honest. We’re all very different at home to how we are at work. I bet she’s the same. I bet you she fucks around with the guards. Just walking along one day… “Nobody will ever believe you.” You would, wouldn’t you? Just every day. “Morning. ‘The queen did a dab.’ I think not, furry hat. Come in, Donald. Come in. This is Prince Philip, my husband.” “There you go. That’s that, love.” That’s all he’s said in 20 years, isn’t it? “Okay.” They have to get the camera off him before he pulls out a fiver and goes, “I fucked her.” “Okay, Philip. Come on.” “Come in, Donald. Probably wondering why you’re here.” “I am. I wonder so much. There’s so much wondering. I wonder. You wonder. We all wonder. I wonder why, when I play golf in Scotland, the ball never goes in the hole. I don’t get this.” “You’re wondering why you’re here.” “I am.” “Well, we’re here to knight you. We think you’re splendid. Kneel down. Philip, blade. Oh, fuck. It slipped. Oh, l’m so old and weary. Why did I do it? I’ll tell you why I did it. Because nobody grabs my pussy is why, Sonny Jim. And this is called muffling. Film me, Philip. Film me.” * Every day l’m muffling * Imagine seeing that on the news. “We go live to Buckingham Palace.” * Ding, dong, the dickhead’s gone * Smushy, smushy! Wouldn’t that be lovely? People need to die. Why not start with a few morons? Why do we bend over backwards for idiots? Fucking let ’em go. You’re not helping anyone. You’re thick as pig shit. “Mind the gap.” If you need help with that, if you’re thinking, “I want to be in the gap,” let them go. Just means there’ll be one fewer person on Love Island. That’s all that means. I bought a pair of trainers the other day. There was a sachet inside the trainers that honestly said, “Silica gel. Do not eat.” Who the fuck eats it? Are there really people who go… “Trainer pudding! It’s naughty bubbles, isn’t it? It’s naughty bubbles.” We no longer sell curved croissants in our largest supermarket because enough people wrote to Tesco complaining that they struggled putting jam on curved croissants. That is a thing. We were defeated by bendy bread. “Dear Tesco, not being funny, but I was going like that, and suddenly there was jam on the table. Help. Tony, it’s happening again.” It’s awful. Some people can’t eat bananas. “Where’s it going? Where’s it going?” The world is so depressing, you know? Like, my little cousin… This killed me the other day. He went to the zoo. He was given a note from his school of what to do in the event of an ISIS attack. At the zoo. He’s 11. He’s excited. You can’t even go to the fucking zoo now without being terrified. And do you know the advice that his teachers gave him? It said on this note, “Run or hide.” Cheers, guys. What did they think he was going to do? “Shit. It’s ISIS.” * Kumbaya, my lord * * Kumbaya * Let’s fight them with Christian love. * Kumbaya * It’s awful, isn’t it? I wasn’t afraid of ISIS. I grew up in the ’90s. What were the big fears in England in the ’90s? Eating red berries off the side of the road. Chinese burns. Wedgies. Leaning back on your chair at school. Do you remember those weird rumors? “Don’t lean back on your chair, Russ. There was a boy that did it once and now he’s ‘spastamicated.'” “I don’t think that’s how you say it.” “That’s how he says it now.” Girls running up to you in the playground. “Pick a number. Pick a color. Now pick a number.” “What origami nonsense is this, Sarah?” “Number!” “Three.” “One, two, three. Color!” “Red.” “R-E-D. You’re a dick.” We used to go to school with our names sewn into our clothes. Your underwear. That was the most baffling. There was never gonna be a moment in the middle of geography… “I gotta get my balls out, boys. I’ll tell you what. I fucking love erosion. I gotta set my sack free.” The only time you would remove your pants at school would be if you shat yourself. And then the last thing you’d want is something that linked it back to you. “Some shitty pants here. It says ‘Russell Joseph Howard.’ Hit him with recorders.” Wasn’t afraid of ISIS. I was afraid of my little brother. Little bastard. We used to have a thing called the landline. Do you remember that? It was a phone in the kitchen and a phone upstairs. We always forgot about that one, didn’t we? We thought we were having a private conversation. We weren’t. The rest of our family were listening in to everything we said. Every time I used to speak to a girl, my brother would be on the top phone making this noise. “What are you doing, Russell?” “l’m not doing anything.” “He’s wanking. He’s wanking. He’s wanking.” l’d run upstairs to punch him in the face. I wasn’t allowed. He had epilepsy, the selfish little bastard. I had to get a lamp and go like that. “Whoa!” But that’s what you should be doing when you’re 11. Trying to give your brother an epileptic fit. But this note went on. I don’t know whether this is the saddest thing or the funniest thing I’ve ever read. He’s 11. He’s going to the zoo. This is the note he got from his school. “If you do spot a terrorist, tell the teacher.” I swear to God. It said this. “Do not attempt to negotiate.” What? Wow. Could you imagine that? Just some ISIS… “Just kneel before our ISIS flag.” “Nathan! Negotiate.” Just some kid from Bristol, like that. “What’s all this fuss? What’s my name? It’s Nathan, mate. It’s written on my pants. What’s your name? ‘Cause you sound spastamicated. What do you want?” “What do I want? I want to burn down this zoo, overthrow your government, and fly my flag above the Houses of Parliament.” “Oh. Do you want a Mars bar?” “He’s got the Mars bar. What do you think?” “Do you have a Kit Kat?” Wait. “Have we got any Kit Kats?” “No. I ate it. Shut up. I didn’t realize we were gonna be infiltrated. All I got left is a Twix.” “Fucking snap it in half, Wayne. These goat-fuckers don’t know what a Kit Kat is. Let’s negotiate. Before I give you this Kit Kat, we’re gonna settle it the old-fashioned way, the Bristol way, the children’s way. I need you to tuck your willy between your legs.” It must be so hard being young, you know? Do you ever think about that? I grew up in the ’90s. We didn’t have social media. All we had to do was develop a personality. Whereas kids now, you gotta develop a brand. Trouble is, that’s tricky. You gotta convince the world you’re more interesting than you are. And the trouble is, you’re not. Because you haven’t become you yet. We wonder why kids are anxious the world over. Imagine that. Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook. Every thought, every picture, every moment, online, judged. We wonder why they’re frazzled to shit. We didn’t have that. What did we do in the ’90s? Fuck all. Mostly we sat on walls, thinking. That was it. Sat on a wall. Slowly becoming myself. No one attacking my still-growing brain. Luckily, l’d been born with a lazy eye and the ability to only breathe through my mouth. “All right, Marie. My mum’s picking me up at 5:00.” She’d walk up at about 7:00, my mum. Just at home, ironing. “Fucking leave him there, Dave. He does my bloody head in. Don’t be daft. He’s a funny-looking kid. No pedophile’s gonna go near him. To be honest, he talks so much they’ll never have time to get their cock in his mouth.” Not a joke. That is a direct quote. I was always safe. Just some bloke pulling up in a car, “Get in.” “Thank you very much. * In a car with a bad man * I would point out, if you’re gonna bang me in the woods, l’ve got hay fever.” “Get out.” “All right. Always talking myself out of a deal.” It’s very different now. That’s what l’m trying to say. l’ve been hanging around a lot of schools. I got that wrong. l’ve been filming them. l’ve been interviewing them. Interviewing. l’ve been interviewing kids for a TV show that l’m doing. The stuff l’ve learned. Fuck me! Do you know 40% of the kids that we’ve spoken to, when they lose their virginity, they film it. Yes. That is the correct response. Who is that confident losing their virginity? “Sarah, just lie there. You’re gonna be here for quite a while. Camera one, are you focused? Camera two, are you ready? Vision. Sound. Okay, everybody. Let’s make a motion picture. l’ve cum.” It’s an awful idea. If you filmed me, it would have been horrendous. “Am I doing it right? Is it going well? Thank you so much for this opportunity. l’m having a lovely day. I really am. Fucking pollen count. l’m too big, aren’t I? l’m too big. I don’t want to hurt you. That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want… l’m not in. I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize. Turn off the cameras. I didn’t realize.” Filming it, man. It’s ’cause we learn through porn and kids are trying to emulate porn stars. It’s fucked. We’re obsessed with porn in this country. I saw a teenage boy the other day watching porn on the train. He wasn’t touching himself. He was just watching it. Who the fuck watches porn for the stories? Just… “Aww! I knew they was gonna get together. It’s like Ross and Rachel, isn’t it?” And it gets weirder. Thirty-two percent of boys… I found this out. I was reading about it in the papers. When they lose their virginity they cum on the girl’s face. They think that’s what they’re meant to do. It isn’t, you fucking mongrels! You better cherish her, not make her look like she’s got the flu on a trampoline. Don’t copy porn. I didn’t lose my virginity dressed as a German plumber. And I can feel you looking at me. There’s probably people at home watching, thinking, “Well, you’ve changed the evening. That’s quite a hideous image.” There may be some people in this room that have come as a family. And it’s gonna be a fairly tricky car journey home. Just… Boy in the back, “l’d like to point out, Mum, I never spaffed on any girl’s face. I didn’t even know what spaffing was until he started going on about it.” But why am I talking about it? It’s a good question, right? I found out last year that one in four 16-to-25-year-old girls in the western world self-harm. One in four. And it really upset me. And I was thinking about it so much. And the trouble about me… l’m such a megalomaniac. l’m like, “Well, I can fix that. l’m Russell Howard. I can bring peace to the galaxy.” ‘Cause it really upset me, man. I couldn’t get it out of my head. And now, every time I see a 16-year-old girl who looks upset, I want to creep up to her… crawl into her brain, and kiss away the problems. But that ain’t gonna help, is it? Mwah! Mwah! * Oh, thank you, Jesus * But it’s horrendous. One in four. And why is it? Why are our young women slashing and attacking themselves? I think it’s ’cause of the pressure. This insane world that we live in now. All these… Like, have you seen the latest social media trends? Rib cage bragging. Where supermodels lean back and they brag about their ribs. No, I can’t speak for women. I can speak for every man who’s ever walked the earth. No man has ever looked at a lady and gone, “Fucking look at the ribs on that!” ‘Cause we look at you like you’re women, not percussion instruments. We’re not get, like, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!” Know what I mean? Oh! Yes! We’re not gonna flip you over and go… Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Some of you may do. I don’t know how you conduct your business. But when you’re under pressure… And I think it’s very hard, being a young person in the world these days. If you want to get an education in England, it costs you thousands. If you want to get a job, you get zero contract hours. You do a job like a nurse or a doctor, something that matters, and orange people on TV get paid more than you for fucking on an island. And on top of that… We’re all… looking for love. We’re all looking for love. Young women are looking for love. In the last 20 years, men have become assholes in the way we woo you. It’s awful. Do you remember mixtapes? Do you remember how cute we used to be? “Here are some songs. I heard these songs and I thought of you. And I think you will hear these songs and think of me. And we will have a special cuddle.” Those days are gone, man. If you go on Tinder, it’s just, “There’s a photo of my dick.” You’re like hobbits walking through a cock-shaped woodland. Just… * Where’s my prince * “Where are all these dicks…” It’s fucking mental. No wonder you’re cutting yourselves. You’re dodging dicks all day. And the things you do for us… And l’m talking from a heterosexual relationship point of view. I don’t know about the other sweethearts. But the things that women do for men… I was talking to a 21-year-old woman about pubic hair. I built up to it. I didn’t just… I didn’t just walk up, “Let’s talk minges. You know my name.” But she said something that broke me. She went, “I shave it down there ’cause I don’t want the boys to laugh at me ’cause it looks horrible.” How upsetting is that? If you want to shave your bits, do it for you. Don’t do it for us. ‘Cause no man has ever found himself in paradise going, “Well, this is lovely. But look at the lawn. There’s not even a rock feature.” I don’t think you should shave it. That’s just my opinion. I think it looks too scared. I think… It does. Looks like a little rabbit’s nostril just… “Where’s my coat? Where’s my coat?” It should be hairy. The old women in here, you don’t muck around with that, do you? You keep it swinging. You keep it loose. You keep it hairy like a buffalo in a blizzard. Just… “Bring on the winter!” There’ll be an old lady in here with a fanny like Jon Snow’s coat. ‘Cause sex is the best thing in the world. When you’re truly lost in fuck. It’s sensational, isn’t it? But it doesn’t look like porn, as anyone in this room who’s ever filmed themselves can prove. “Let’s watch it back.” Don’t ever watch it back. It’s horrific, isn’t it? You’re like two potatoes fighting. “Are you gonna cum? l’m gonna cum. I think you’re gonna cum. l’m gonna cum.” I just think it’s horrible. If you’re a young woman, you’re losing your virginity, and then some bloke… Boom! “Spaff on your face. That’s where that goes.” It’s fucking horrible. When you lose your virginity, it should be awful for both of you, not just for her. We shouldn’t throw spunk on girls’ faces. We should throw petals at their feet. The things they’ll do for us… The blow job. What a thing. They’re wonderful, blow jobs. When you’re young, you’re collecting them. You can’t believe how lucky you are. “Another one for me.” When you’re older, a blow job is useful. If you’re in a long-term relationship, that’s how you know how old you are. You’re like, “It’s my birthday. l’m 52!” It’s a wonderful thing. The very fact that you let us put our dirty dicks in your magical mouths. Five points to Gryffindor, you heaven-sent angels. It’s wonderful. And it’s not us at our finest. What we’re trying to say is, “Thank you. Thank you. I can’t believe you’re doing this, you angel sent from above.” But you’ve seen us. Do you know why we’re like that? ‘Cause you’ve got our brain in your mouth. “What are you saying, Darren? I don’t understand.” I say we get rid of porn. For a year. And it’s gonna affect me. l’m a touring comedian. l’ve traveled the world. l’ve watched a lot of pornography this year. There’s been times on this tour when my penis has looked like an ’80s joystick. Black and red on top. But it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s got too aggressive. Have you seen this? This is the latest. When the camera’s over the shoulder. It’s meant to make you feel like you’re making love to the lady. It doesn’t. It makes you feel like you’re on the shoulder of some bloke you don’t know like some kind of wanking parrot. I say we get rid of porn for a year. Let’s see if we can recalibrate. l’ve got an idea. This is my great idea. We get rid of porn… and we get kids. No! Wait. To be honest, what l’m about to say is probably going to get a similar reaction. We get kids to watch their parents make love. That is my idea. Think about it. Think… It’s gonna be tender. If l’m watching my mum and dad go at it, it’s gonna be sweet. “Ready, Russ? Here we go. Just bouncing on your dad’s dick. Having a lovely evening. You’ll notice he hasn’t spaffed in my face. He’s not degrading me in any way. You’ll notice my bush is positively Wookiee-like. Having a smashing evening, aren’t we, David?” “Yep. Having a tremendous night, love. To be honest with you, it’s fairly weird what with Russell being in the corner like the fucking Blair Witch, but… Luckily he’s got a lazy eye and he can’t focus.” That’s my idea. I think it would be tender, you know? My mum and dad love each other. And my dad is always complimenting my mum and bragging her. I think if they made love it’d be tender. I don’t know if anyone’s got a dad like that. It’s lovely and weird at the same time. My dad’s always like, “Whoa! Bloody hell. Your mum, eh? Whoo-hoo!” You can’t join in. You’re like, “Yeah, fucking Mum. He’s shagging Mum. Give her one for me, you lucky bastard. Go on.” He gave her the most English compliment you can give a woman the other day. “Do you know the best thing about your mother’s ass? I can slap your mum’s ass, go and make myself a cup of tea, and when I come back, it’s still wobbling.” My mum was like, “Thank you very much, David.” I think we need to do something, man. One in four. It’s really odd, what happens, like, l’m very, l’m very aware. I think we all are. We’re very aware of how troubled we are at the minute. We’re all a bit frazzled. We’re all a bit mad, aren’t we? Know what I mean? In the last couple years we’ve all realized, “l’m a bit crazy.” Know what I mean? I have thoughts that I never used to have. l’m about to go to bed and my brain’s like, “You’re gonna die. Dead in a ditch.” Sometimes my brain will suggest I do a thing that I would never do. “What if you put your mum’s head in a microwave?” “The fuck?” “What if an eagle stole your dog?” “Fuck off.” That’s why l’ve started vaping cannabis. That’s my way of dealing with it. I know it’s not the best way, you know? And it might send me madder, but… It’s nice, isn’t it? Cannabis. ‘Cause it lets you put your brain away. “It’s all too much for me. I just need to drift.” I love it. It’s the only drug, as well, that makes you giggle and paranoid, which is a brilliant combo. “Who’s laughing?” I got stoned with my brother. It was amazing. We were watching Star Wars. He was like, “This is shit. Why is it, when they get their lightsabers out, you never see any moths?” I got stoned with my mum. I recommend you do that. She’s like, “Cows have got no emotional range. See them in a field, they’re always the same, aren’t they? l’ve never once heard one go… ‘Moo.’ They must be happy. You’d never know it. You’d never know it. Be a nightmare if you worked in a toy shop, wouldn’t it, Russ? Imagine trying to sell a toy zebra. You’d never find the bar code.” She doesn’t need cannabis, my mum. Her brain is wonderful. We went to a restaurant the other day where you eat in the dark. It’s in London, right? And my mum went, “I don’t know, Russ. What if I forget where my mouth is?” She keeps a hula hoop underneath her sofa. I found it the other day. I was like, “What’s this?” And my mum, “Well, when I watch the news and it’s awful, what I do, I pull out the hula hoop, I have a little dance, and I feel better.” And then she said this. “I think you’ll find there’s a lot of ladies my age that do a similar thing.” Fucking no, there is not. How much better would the world be if there was? “Your husband’s dead.” “You’re joking.” You can learn a lot, you know? And l’ve got a fucking messed-up brain. I had an amazing conversation. I don’t know if anyone here is genuinely worried about death. I am. All the time. Like, this has been the fun gig, but I’ll go to bed tonight and my brain’ll be like, “You’re gonna die. Nothing you do matters, you piece of shit. Dead in a ditch.” And that is tricky. And this tour’s been hard. It’s been amazing. But my granddad has died, my nan has died, and my uncle Tim has died. Three people that I adored are no more, and there’s bullies and bigots and idiocy everywhere. I was talking to my dad about it. I was really upset. I was like… And my dad, my dad’s a bit of a philosopher. He’s disgusting. But he says wise things. The other day Mum said, “Dave, do you wanna watch Britain’s Got Talent?” And my dad went, “Watch? Britain’s Got Talent? l’d rather shit in my hand and clap.” So he recognizes… the reason mainstream TV exists. To keep us all thick so the government can pass the laws. “There’s the cakey program. There’s the dancy program. We’ll just get on with this, okay?” “Cakey dance-dance. Cakey dance-dance.” I was talking to my dad about death. He said something that’s disgusting. And this’ll be too much for some of you, I think. This side of the room, you’ll be all right. This is gonna… This is genuinely hideous. I apologize. But it’s the funniest, most profound thing anyone’s ever said to me. I was talking to my dad about death. I said, “Dad, what’s the point? Granddad’s dead. Nan’s dead. Uncle Tim’s gone. What’s the point?” My dad said this. He went, “Should I tell you what life is, Son? Life is just moments. What you gotta do, go along, grab as many of them as possible, and hopefully they flash before your eyes before you die.” If he’d have stopped there, it would have been quite uplifting. But this is my dad. And this is what he said to me. “You made it. You’re here. That is incredible. Do you know how lucky you are to be alive? You could have died on my belly. l’m being serious. Literally thousands of your dead brothers and sisters… Dead in socks. Dead in socks. I’ll often open up the sock drawer and cry over the never-babies I could have had. But I got you. And I love you. There’s grace in you, Russ. I love you. And when you talk that shit, it kills me. ‘Cause you’re my boy. It’s very easy. You’re here, then you’re gone. Do your best, and don’t be a dick.” It’s an amazing way of looking at life, isn’t it? That’s… That’s the truth. Look at us all here. All here. In this moment, right now, we are alive. Look at us. We’re alive. Every one of us could have died on our dad’s bellies. That is a fact. Don’t fight it. Don’t fight it. Some of your dads may be at home now killing siblings. And we shouldn’t be appalled. We should be recalibrated. Reinvigorated. This is our earth. We have the capacity to make it better, and we’re failing. We’re in a terrible state the world over. Division and bullshit and bigots. Like, you travel around. You do gigs. This is an amazing place. That’s why I came to Brighton to do this. I did it in the middle of Gay Pride ’cause it’s the height of loveliness. Exactly. But l’ve been to places… Like, I was doing some gigs in the deep south in America. I was chatting about gay marriage. Turns out not everyone’s a fan. I had a lot of fun that night. ‘Cause I was telling them l’d quite like to be gay. That is the truth. – Hey! – Exactly. But you all have these moments. Like, when you think, “I wonder what it’d be like to be gay.” Like, I love my girlfriend. She’s an amazing human being. My girlfriend is a doctor, and she goes out with a comedian. Do you know how hard a life that is? She’s gotta deal with mental health, vulnerability, then she’s gotta go to work. You have those moments where you think, “If I was going out with a boy, right?” A man. A man. A man! He’s a man. He’s a big lad. He’s called Keith. If he came home and he was in a mood, I could fix that. I know how men work. “l’m in a mood.” We’d play computer football, l’d wank him off, sorted. There is not a man alive… “You’re better now, aren’t you, Mr. Grizzly?” “I am. Thank you very much, Russell, for understanding the complexity that is me.” “I did, didn’t I? Who’s Daddy’s little soldier?” “It’s me.” You can’t, nor should you ever do that with women. But, if that was an option… Because we’ve all had those rows. Like, my girlfriend is incredibly intelligent, like all women. But if she wants to win an argument she becomes eight. That’s what you do. “You all right? What’s wrong?” “If you don’t know what’s wrong, then l’m not going to explain to you what’s wrong. Yes, I could fix this by talking rationally like I always do, but l’d rather this row went on for two years.” “Just tell me what’s wrong.” “Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” My girlfriend, she’s brilliant. She works all the hours God sends. She works for the NHS. It’s an amazing institution. And… She has to live with me. It’s a difficult life. Right? And she found… She was in our attic. Now, we’ve only recently bought the house. She found a suitcase in the attic. She sent me a text. “What the fuck have you been doing in the attic?” I was like, “I haven’t been in the attic.” She was like, “All right. Then what’s this?” And it was a picture of a suitcase. So I sent her a text back, “It’s a suitcase. This is a very easy quiz.” Yeah, I know. Even as I sent it, I could feel my thumb going, “I don’t know, Russ. Are you sure?” She sent me pictures of the three things she found in this suitcase. It’s not my suitcase. It belonged to the person we bought it off. I don’t know what the fuck she thought I was doing. First thing. Four tins of Heinz tomato baked beans. Number two. An R.E.M. CD. And number three, and probably most troubling… a very large, black strap-on penis. We’re all thinking the same thing. If you’re English, you think thank Christ you’ve never been on Cash in the Attic. “Is it a family heirloom?” “Fucking hope not, mate. That would explain why your eyes are crossed.” But what did she think l’d been doing up there? That’s what puzzled me. Like, “Bye. See you at the hospital looking after the people.” And then running up to the attic like that. Putting the strap-on on and just knocking beans on the table. * Everybody hurts * “It’s so hard being famous.” * Shining, happy people * * Knocking beans on the fucking table * * With my big old cock of doom l’m swinging * It was the weirdest argument l’ve ever had. She’s like, “Is that what you want to do? Do you want me to bum you in the attic?” You’re like, “Absolutely not! You can barely parallel park.” But now I own a strappy. I can’t get rid of it. I can’t bury it. l’ve got a dog. Do you know what I did with it? I put it underneath my mum’s sofa. I can’t wait for bad news. Mum’s like, “Oh, my God. An earthquake. I need to dance away… Fuck! This draft excluder’s got balls, Dave.” I don’t understand it, you know? I was chatting about gay marriage at this gig, and I was getting… Like, you’ve all heard those stereotypical heckles. They still exist. “Gay marriage is not natural.” Neither is marriage. It’s not natural. You don’t see it in the animal kingdom. l’ve never seen a duck dressed as a vicar. Never seen it on an Attenborough nature documentary. “Here we see the hippo. She’s out and about in her bachelorette party. She’s getting muffled in a dance as old as time.” It’s absurd. I don’t understand it. What I don’t understand, more than anything, is people who go out of their way, searching to be annoyed. Looking for bigotry. It’s absurd, you know? ‘Cause we can make each other so happy. And I think we should have that on the end of the news, you know? ‘Cause that’s what the world is. The world is woe and wonder. We have awful things happen, and there’s little moments of beauty that make us glad to be alive, you know? I met a woman at a zoo recently. She was about 60. We should see this on the news. She was blind. She was at the zoo. And her family were like, “Are you having a good time, Mum?” And she went, “Not really. l’m blind. You’ve brought me to a zoo.” I fell in love with her. This is the sentence that got it. She went, “It’s just noises and smells.” I love moments like that. I was on a plane recently. I heard a voice in the sky go, “Will you stop touching your willy?” I thought it was God. I was like, “You shouldn’t have given me such a sweet one, then.” I looked around. There was a mum telling her son off. This kid was four. Grabbing himself. She’s like, “Will you stop touching your willy?” The kid looked at his mum and went, “Oh, Mummy. I love it.” There’s nothing you can do with that level of wisdom. “Mother, if you had one of these you wouldn’t leave the damn thing alone.” “You’ll go blind!” “Yes, Mummy. Then I’ll have a dog and a willy.” Here’s a moment that should be on the end of the news. I was in Edinburgh the other day. I was walking along. This bloke leapt out. – Whoo! – It may have been you. – Are you from Edinburgh, madam? – Yes. Good. I was walking along and there was a bloke that leapt out from a hedge. And he went, “Whoop.” “You all right?” And he went, “Yep.” He said, “Can you do me a favor?” I said, “It depends, doesn’t it? I mean, you were in a hedge a minute ago.” This is what he said to me. He looked at me and went, “Please do me a favor, Russ. Please. Please do this. My son is a huge fan of yours. He’s in a car just down there. You can, please, go up to that car, open the door, and scare him.” You’re like, “Fucking right, I will. In fact, I found this in my attic, mate. Which… Which car is it? l’m gonna melt his braces.” We were giggling. Me and this stranger. It was so lovely. This is what he said to me. He went, “You can’t go big enough. Really go for it.’ You can’t go big enough.” What he should have said: “Don’t go too big. My son is eight.” I didn’t know. Poor little kid. I thought he was just a little fella. I ran up. I opened the door. Fuck, man. I really went for it. I just went… The kid looked at me and went, “Fuck.” His dad went, “Hey. Who taught you to swear?” And the kid went, “Him.” That’s what we should have on the news. ‘Cause we can be so kind to each other, you know? And we have those moments when the world is beautiful. Like, about a year before my nan and granddad died, we went to see Nan. She was in hospital. And everyone I loved went to see her. It was really beautiful. It was a surprise. And she was in the hospital bed like, “All right, Russ. How you doing?” “l’m very well. How are you, Nan?” “l’m a bit poorly.” And we’re all gathered around her. Everyone was there. My Auntie Gary was there. She’s my favorite auntie. She’s called Auntie Gary because she self-injects botox and she looks like the British pedophile Gary Glitter. “All right, Gary?” “All right, guys. How you doing?” She can’t show emotion. It’s an absolute, fuck, horror show. We’re being silly. It’s the Howard way. We’re taking the piss out of each other. My brother had a girlfriend at the time and he was trying to be normal. He couldn’t really do it. You should’ve seen him at Christmas. “Is everyone all right for drinks?” “What the fuck is this? Last year you pissed in a glass and went, ‘Apple juice?'” He’s destined to be a weird uncle, my brother. I love a weird uncle. They make Christmas so great. Mine is called Cuddly Barry, right? He came around at Christmas. My mum went, “Bloody Barry’s coming, the dirty shit. He’d shag anything that moves. I mean it. You watch the dogs. They freeze.” They did. They’re like, “Shit, it’s Barry. Don’t move, seriously. Oh, no. Can you smell gas?” That’s what my brother’s gonna be. We’re all being very silly. It’s the Howard way. Dicking around. My granddad wasn’t joining in. That was the saddest thing. ‘Cause my granddad was the best. My granddad was 4 foot 8. But he was 10 foot tall full of stories. It’s what granddads do. They just drift into your life, tell magical lies… and then drift away. I remember I was about six. I was eating toast. My granddad walked into the kitchen, just from nowhere, and went, “Yep. I reckon I could walk on my hands from Edinburgh to London.” “Amazing. Are you gonna do that, Granddad?” And he looked at me and went, “No! I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.” And he drifted away. But he wasn’t like that towards the end of his life. My granddad had dementia. And it’s the worst. If you know anyone with it… It robs them of them. And he didn’t really talk. And it was really sad. He was very, kind of, frozen inside himself. And then it happened. He became himself again. We’re all gathered around my nan. My granddad grabbed my nan’s hand and just went, “Where you been? I haven’t seen you for ages.” I know. It was amazing. All of us melted. My granddad’s like, “Look at her. Ain’t she the prettiest girl you ever did see?” We’re like, “Oh, my God. l’m gonna die. l’m gonna die.” It was like my granddad had pulled his heart out, pressed it against my nan’s heart, and gone, “Forever, isn’t it? It’s forever. I know l’m a daft bugger. I know I talk nonsense. But you feel that heart. That beats like a train for you. ‘Cause I love you now the same way I always did.” And we’re there going, “Yeah.” In my head l’m going, “This is it. This is one of these moments your dad was on about. Grab it. Hopefully this will flash before your eyes before you die, ’cause it was love. It was pure, beautiful love.” And, as ever with my family, there was a little cherry on top. Because my nan had clearly never received public love before. We’re all looking at Granddad. And he’s sending it. He’s sending it. We look at nan. My nan’s like that… She didn’t know what to say, so she just looked to him and went, “You need your hair cut.” And we all laughed. It was beautiful. We were lost in laughter, you know? That’s the best. That’s why I don’t understand it. Those are the moments that are worth living. And people go out of their way at the minute. Hunting out… “I wanna be annoyed. What can I be upset by? It’s the immigrants, isn’t it? It’s the immigrants. This is my bit. This is my bit. This is my bit.” Fuck off. We don’t have time for this nonsense, you know? It’s like I said. I was doing this gig, and just hearing these heckles. “Gay marriage upsets God. That’s why there’s thunderstorms.” “Is it? Who the fuck was your geography teacher, mate? In ancient Greece all they did was read and bum each other. The weather was lovely. ‘Steady on, Socrates. l’m gonna lose my page.'” Gay marriage upsets God. Well, God upsets me. He’s a fucking weirdo. He could have selected any noise for the fox to make when it makes love. And that’s what he went with? “Well, I think we’ve absolutely nailed that.” “I don’t know, God. It sounds like someone raping a bagpipe.” God’s a creepy prick. He made penguins. He gave them wings, but they can’t fly. What a wanker. “Look at these. Oh, they do nothing. God’s a cunt.” I don’t understand it. It’s time to recalibrate, you know? There’s enough bigotry in this world. Like, when we legalized gay marriage, it was ridiculous. Like, do you remember what Lord Tebbit, the Tory peer, said in the House of Lords? This is a man who has a say in our laws. He just went, “Gay marriage could lead to a lesbian queen.” That was his input to the debate. Like Liz was gonna go, “It’s legal, is it? Off you pop, Philip. Hello, Britain. There’s gonna be some changes around here. This is Linda. She’s my top bitch. That’s it, Linda. Does it taste like stamps?” It’s… It is unlikely. It’s unlikely that that’s gonna happen. And the point l’m making, if you can deal with your… Point l’m making… The idea that some Tory peer is telling us, “The idea of a lesbian on the throne is utterly ridiculous.” I say, “Fuck off, old man.” There’s lots of things… There’s lots of things that are ridiculous in the world. The fact that nurses in this country are using food banks. The fact… Exactly. The fact that children in this country go to school malnourished. The spelling of the word Chihuahua. “Chihuahua.” The English national anthem. That’s the most absurd song in the world. We’re English. We love singing it. But we don’t believe in God. We know she’s safe. And yet, you’ve seen us. * Oh, magic man in the clouds * * Look after the lady what’s safe * * Why have we not evolved? * It’s the time for this country to recalibrate. We need a new anthem that can bring everyone together. I wanna hear this at Wembley. * God save our NHS * * It really is the best * * Liz will be fine * * Help those in poverty * * Stop kids self-harming for me * * Give Donald Trump a lobotomy * * E-I-E-I-E-I * * O * We’d sing that. Ladies and gentlemen of the Brighton Dome, thank you so much for coming. What a gig! What people! Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Well, that’s very kind. Thank you very much indeed. Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton, to the future! * Absent friends * * Here’s to them * * And happy days * * We thought that they would never end * * Here’s to absent friends * * Little Jean * * Seberg seemed * * So full of life * * But in those eyes * * Such troubled dreams * * Poor little Jean *

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

CRAIG FERGUSON: I’M HERE TO HELP (2013) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-im-here-to-help-2013-full-transcript/

– The first time I saw Craig Ferguson, I was in the hospital on morphine, And the nurses came in and I was laughing my head off. And they said, “what is going on?” I’m like, “this guy’s so funny!” – I’m excited just to be in the same room as Craig. He’s my celebrity crush, actually. We’ve already talked about this. I get to go. – I hope tonight he swears… A hundred times! I don’t wanna hear the bleep! – He’s got a robot skeleton sidekick, And he calls his fans the robot skeleton army. It all makes perfect sense. – If you watch the show and you don’t like it, then I can’t help you, ’cause it’s the best I can do. So fuck you. – It’s a great day for America, everybody! It’s a very exciting day for me. I’m very, very happy to be here. Here in Washington D.C.! I’m very happy to be here. I love this town… With its things. I do, I love it here. I’m very excited to be here. I’m very excited to be in the historic… No, I’m very happy to be here. I know everybody says that. Everybody says, “oh, I’m so happy to be here!” And you can’t blame them. You can’t blame ’em. And you can’t walk on a stage and go, “ah, fuck! Not this dump again!” That gets awkward. Even if you’re thinking it, which I’m not! No, I’m very happy to be here! “Craig, how can we trust you? How can we trust you? We’ve been hurt before.” Here’s how you know I’m genuinely happy to be here. About two years ago– a little less– My wife had a baby. Thanks, everybody! I had sex! Yeah, so there’s a little baby. There’s a baby living in my house– An actual living baby in my house. So you know I am fuckin’ happy to be here. This whole idea of doing a special And stand-up comedy shows Just so I can get a fuckin’ night’s sleep. That’s all it is. I just want a night in a hotel, Some room service, and some porn. That’s all I want. Something delicious, and then room service. Don’t worry, I’m not just here to get away from my children. I’ve got a joke for you. I’ve got a joke, don’t worry. I’m sure I do. I do! I have a joke– A joke for you told to me by my friend drew carey When he was fat. That’s important– when he was fat and funny. Not this thin drew carey. Not this thin, Orville Redenbacher motherfucker That he is now. Fat drew carey! Fat! When he was funny. Because fat is where comedy is stored. That’s what I tell anybody that sees me naked. I’m like, “what are you talking about? These are my jokes. There’s titters. There’s a couple of titters here. People tittering, there like a… And there’s my big finish. Here. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not just here to get away from my children. I’m not. I love my children. Of course I do. They’re beautiful… Whatever their names are. They’re gorgeous. No, they are. I love my kids, I do. And I was– I adore them. I was right there when they were born. I was right there when they were… Conceived. I think. You can’t be sure. One of them’s Asian. That’s not true. That would be awkward though, wouldn’t it? Like, congratulations, mr. Ferguson. Look! An Asian baby. No, I was definitely, you know, there– Well, I don’t know if I was there when they were conceived ’cause, you know, conception takes place up to 24 hours later after sex, you know, in the woman’s body. So I might’ve been doing what I do after sex, which was standing by the refrigerator crying. I’m a dirty whore. Anyway, I was definitely in the room when my kids were born. I was right there in the room. I watched that baby come flying out and then the other thing come flying out after the baby. I’m like, what the fuck is that! What’s that thing! They’re like, don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about it? It’s the same size as the baby! What the fuck is it! Like, what is it? I’ve only budgeted for one. Does that go to college? What is that thing? What is it, the kit? What is it? They’re like, don’t worry about it. I’m like, I am worried about it! They’re like, no, no. And the doctors and nurses going, “oh, isn’t it so beautiful? Isn’t this such a beautiful experience?” I’m like, it’s all right for you to talk like that. You’re only here for the day. I’ve gotta come back to this area later on with a completely different agenda. I’ve watched this baby coming out, I was like, ahhh! Agghhhh! Agghhhhhh! Oh! I’m gay. One of my wife’s friends said to me, after she had the baby– We’ll get on with the joke in a minute. One of my wife’s friends said to me, after she had the baby, now, don’t pressure her into having sex again too soon. I’m like, too soon? After what I’ve seen, I don’t know if I ever want to have sex again. But it goes away, that feeling. I’m assured. No, but I love my kids, I do. Children are our awesome. They’re great. I believe they’re our future. It’s just when they’re babies– Anyone who’s got a baby knows– Anyone who’s got kids– Babies are fuckin’ unreasonable shits! They are! I mean, kids are beautiful. They’re adorable. Oh, it’s Christmas in their little pajamas and shit. But, oh, my god! When they’re babies, they’re fuckin’ evil! They’re screaming and the poo. And they go, agghhhh! They cry over it. You can’t reason with a baby. You can’t talk to them. You can’t say, come on. I’ve put on your diaper, I fed you. What’s wrong with you? They just cry over every argument you’ve got. They cry right over the top of you. It’s like living with Glenn Beck. Ha, there’s a risky joke in d.C. At the same tim– It’s like living with a psycho midget German prostitute! Which I have done, actually. In Amsterdam in 1987 for a little while. But it’s the screaming and the poo, The screaming and the poo. It’s like, ahh! I mean, my wife is great. But the screaming and the poo! And the baby’s like that as well, The screaming and the poo! And it’s the sleep deprivation that drives you fuckin’ crazy. I haven’t slept in two years. Really. It’s not like they keep you awake all the time. They wait. They’re evil little shits. They wait. They wait. They wait until they see you falling asleep. They’re like– Gahhhhh! Ba-gahhhh! Everybody in here who’s had a baby at some point has thought, “I think my kid might be the Antichrist.” One of us is right. Sleep deprivation is weird, though. It makes you think really weird thoughts. You know that studies have proven– My own studies have proven this. No, this is true. Studies have proven that three days without sleep has exactly the same effect on your body as a tab of acid. And I’m talking real acid, not the shit that you kids take today. Or that, “oh, this ecstasy! I’m trippin’. It’s just like acid. Look, I’m trippin'” Look at– you’re not trippin’. Look at you walking around, talking, breathing, Being able to converse, dance and shit. That’s not trippin’. That’s coffee, you little fuck! I’m talkin’ acid! I’m talkin’ acid! I’m talkin’… Saigon… I took too much acid. I did. I took a lot of acid. I know that’s probably a surprise to you, but I did. I did. I took too much– here’s what happened. I took it once, and I thought, “oh, my god, this is horrible!” So I took it about 30 more times, Just to make sure. And I didn’t do acid the right way. I mean, you’re meant to take acid by a stream, by a river, with unicorns and the babies and lovely– Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh Ahh ahh ahh ahh I didn’t do it like that. I did acid in Glasgow in the 1970s, And we did it once the bars closed. We would drink all day– All day in rainy old Glasgow– And then, at 11:00, when the bars shut, Somebody would say, “anybody fancy a fuckin’ “transcendental experience? I’ve got acid.” And we’d take acid after drinking all day. And that is not the way to do it. I– It’s not. You know, I once took acid After 12 pints of Guinness. You may well judge me, you fuck. Never do acid after 12 pints of Guinness. There’s your p.S.A., kids. Don’t do acid after 12 pints– Just don’t do it. It’s horrible! Leprechauns flew out of my ass! I was, like, “aah! “aaaah! How many are there? Aah! “aaaaaah! “aa– aaaaaaaaah! Aa– a!” Final– and they were like, “hee hee! Touch his lucky charms on the way.” I did too many drugs is what I’m saying. I did too many drugs. And when I say I did ’em, I fuckin’ did ’em. I didn’t experiment with them. You know when people say, “oh, yeah, when I was in my Late teens and 20s, I experimented with drugs”? No, you fuckin’ didn’t. You’re not a scientist. You didn’t experiment with ’em. And experiment is you get a white coat, You get the drug, you feed it to the dog, You film it, you put it on YouTube. That’s a fuckin’ experiment! That’s–that’s science. It’s not science to blow a dealer for crack. That’s not science. That’s art. Anyway, you know, sleep deprivation is bad, But the drugs is worse, so I don’t do ’em anymore. I don’t do drugs, don’t do that. That’s not to say– I’m not one of these people that stopped taking drugs and then to say you all have got to stop too. You know when people, they stop taking drugs, they get very evangelical? It’s like, “I’ve stopped taking drugs. Now you must all stop taking drugs.” I don’t feel that way about it. I-I feel like I’ve got a connection with you guys. I think my aud– I think we have a thing. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I really mean this. I really do. I don’t give a fuck what you do. I’ve got kids. You’re fuckin’ grown-ass people. You can do what you fuckin’ like. Oh, you know the people that go on tv, And they think they can tell other people how to live ’cause they’re on tv. Don’t drink, don’t– It’s not that hard to get on tv. I’m on fuckin’ tv! Honey boo boo is on tv! Honey boo boo! Like, what? And people have a hard time with my accent? I mean, what the fuck is this? These people sound like they’re yodeling underwater. Here’s my honey boo boo. I don’t– I don’t subscribe to that. I don’t like people going on tv And telling other people how to live, like dr. Phil. Doctor– fuck you, dr. Phil. You’re not even a fuckin’ doctor. Dr. Phil. Hmm, let’s have a look at this. Dr. Phil. What’s your problem with dr. Phil, Craig? Well, it’s the fact he’s not a fuckin’ doctor! “what are you talking about, Craig? He’s dr. Phil.” That’s right. That’s his name–dr. Phil. It’s not his qualifications. He’s Phil mcgraw, phd. Phd? Isn’t that a doctorate? Fine, you let him take out your fuckin’ appendix, motherfucker. He’s not a doctor. “Craig, are you saying Oprah lied to us?” Yes! I’ve gotta keep moving now. Oprah’s people have scopes. Gayle, up in the balcony. “you motherfucker, I tell ya…” Dr. Phil’s not a doctor, he’s a phd. Like, if your appendix bursts tonight– Dr. Phil’s there, or a doctor. Who you going with? Exactly! It’s not that hard to get on tv and tell people how to live. The fuckin’ Kardashians are on tv! Not that I’m against that, actually, I’m not. That there Kim Kardashian’s got a lovely ass. She has. There’s always room in show business For someone with a lovely ass. That’s how I got started. Make way for leprechauns. No, great asses cause a lot of fuckin’ problems. I’ve lost half my stuff twice due to great asses. That’s all my stuff once. No, a lot of trouble in the world caused by great asses. War–wars, human suffering is caused by great asses. The first documented war in human history– The siege of Troy, the Trojan war– That was caused by a great ass. Helen of Troy, renowned for her great ass, was living in Greece. And she was visited by Paris, from Troy. He was, like, “ooh, that’s a lovely ass. Come live with me in Troy.” and she’s like, “okay.” And she went to live in Troy with him. And the Greeks were furious. They marched over to Troy. “show us her ass. How dare you!” And the Trojans, who I always imagined to be french, for some reason, were like, “no, you can’t see her ass. “I’m lookin’ at it right now. “I think I’ll rub butter on it. Garlic butter.” Ten years the siege of Troy went on. Ten years! And then, eventually, the Greeks were like, “you know what? Fuck you! “we’re going home. We left you a horse.” And the Trojans– The Trojans, who were fuckin’ stupid, Let’s be honest– The Trojans are people who named themself after a condom! Like, how did they die out? Guess, motherfucker. The Trojans see the horse, they’re like, “oh, look, they left us a lovely horse. “what’s this? Oh, ‘thank you for the war.’ That’s nice. Bring it inside.” I mean, even if they just listened for a second at the side of it, you’d have heard, like, “shut up.” “no, you shut up!” “I thought we agreed no farting in the horse.” “I can’t help it. I get nervous before a battle.” Siege of troy caused by a great ass. The war between the roman empire and ancient Egypt. Caesar, Antony and Cleopatra. That was all about Cleopatra having a fantastic ass. She had a great ass, and Mark Antony’s like, “I’m going to Egypt. Fuck you.” And then Caesar was furious, and he got his army together, And they marched on Egypt. He was like, “show us her ass! Show us her ass! Show us her ass!” ’cause Romans spoke with British accents, apparently. They do. They–if you see any movie About ancient Rome, they always talk in British accents. Like, “Caesar, a messenger.” “oh, lovely. Bring it over. I’m just having tea.” “sire, some news from downton abbey.” “really? Come on over here.” It’s true. All movies about ancient Rome, The Romans talk with British accents, Which is ridiculous– they’re Italians. They’d be like, “hey, what’s a comin’ a go?” But you watch any movie about ancient Rome, they’re– Or any of these ancient movies. If you want to make an ancient thing, you know, Ancient movies and the like, Everyone talks with British accents. Which really fucks me off, because I can’t concentrate. It takes me out of the movie. I always expect something weird to happen because I watched a lot of Monty Python When I was a kid. A lot! So whenever I hear them go, “Caesar.” “yes? What?” I always expect, like, A little bunny rabbit or something to come. Or a giant drawing of a hedgehog or something To come out. Even the good ones– even the ones like, you rem– You know that movie the 300? That is a fuckin’ great movie. And my buddy gerry butler is in that movie. He plays the king of the Spartans. Now, I’ve– I’ve known Gerry for twent– Did you see Gerry’s abs in that movie? Holy crap! They’re awesome. I saw him after I saw the movie. I’m like, “Gerry, your fuckin’ abs in that movie, They’re amazing.” He was like, “yeah, I worked really hard.” I went, “yeah, man, it was great.” He went, “not just that. Here’s the thing. “they do thing thing– they put makeup on it, “and then they king of cgi it so your abs look really great.” I was like, “oh.” He said, “now, don’t tell anybody.” So I didn’t. No, I just made that up. Anyway, all I’m saying, in that movie– I don’t know why I told you that. ’cause I’m a shit, that’s why. No, in that movie, where Gerry has that great speech, you know. But I still– I still hear Monty Python. Like, even when he has that great speech. When he’s like, “tonight we dine in hell!” And I keep expecting someone to say, “what are we having?” “what the hell are you talking about?” “well, you know, I’m a vegetarian. “so is Michael. I just wondered “if there’s a vegetarian option in hell. Or maybe we should pack something.” Look, all I’m saying is wars have been started Over great asses. Great asses cause a lot of problems, a lot of wars. You know, Cleopatra, Helen of troy. Who else? Um, Hitler. “Hitler had a great ass, Craig?” Yeah, fuck it. Okay, let’s see where that goes. No, Hitler– Hitler did have a great ass. It’s an unpleasant fact of history, But we have to face it. Many of the Nazis had great asses Due to the marching. That’s what it was. “Adolf, your buns are so firm and tight. What is your secret?” “oh, you know, just diet and goose stepping. “this is my thing. “mm… Mm… “ooh, feel the burn. Ooh, that’s when you know it’s working.” I don’t know that many Nazis did that, but… Maybe they should have. Good ol’ Nazis, that’s what I say. That’s a phrase you don’t hear often. Good ol’ Nazis. No, listen, Nazis are very useful If you’re in my line of work Because, you know, it’s the one group of people You can really fuckin’ stick it to, and nobody cares. Like, no matter what I say about Nazis, It’s very unlikely I’m gonna get a letter Or a tweet or an email tomorrow from somebody saying, “dear craig, I am a nazi, and I am very upset… At this negative stereotyping of nazis.” ’cause even if you are a nazi, and I’ve upset you, Fuck you, you’re a nazi! Even–even the neo-nazis– “neo,” of course, means new. The neo-nazis. Well, what’s new about you? “well, we March up and down, and we hate ethnic minorities.” I’m like, that’s not fuckin’ new. That’s the same as the old nazis. You wanna be a new nazi, You gotta bring something new to the party. Bedazzle that swastika, mister. Let’s see some heels in those jack boots. I gotta move, ’cause these guys definitely got scopes. No, nazis are just useful if you do what I do Because, you know, there’s only two groups of people You can talk about with any degree of safety. Everyone else is very, very touchy. And I don’t mean touchy like mr. Macgoogin That used to live next door to me when I was a kid. That’s right, laugh at my pain, ya bastards! “craig, I’ve got some change in my pocket.” That’s rubbish. He’s a lovely man. No, everyone is very, very sensitive. Everyone’s very, very– you can’t talk about anyone. There’s only two groups of people You can talk about with any degree of safety– Nazis and canadians, that’s it. That’s it. Nazis–who gives a fuck if you upset nazis? And canadians–’cause canadians have figured out– They’re very smart, they figured it out. They have realized it’s a fuckin’ joke! Canadians are like, “oh, oh, yes, that’s right. It’s a fuckin’ joke!” To be honest, canadians are just happy to be included. It’s just like, “he’s talking about us.” “I know, I know. We’re on our way.” Not that I’m comparin– I’m not comparing nazis to canadians. They’re not the same at all. Nazis, bastards. Canadians, lovely. Lovely people, canadians. Gentle, civilized, beautiful people. Till you give ’em a hockey stick. Then they lose their fuckin’ minds! Like “aaaaaah!” I don’t know why the canadian army bothers With tanks and guns and bombs and shit. They should just give the guys hockey sticks And go, “there you are, boys. The taliban have the puck.” Aaargh! Sorry! But that’s all you can talk about, Nazis or canadians. I–apparently I can upset large groups of the community Without even fuckin’ knowing I’m doing it. I got into terrible trouble recently With the transgender community, who were very upset with me. There were, you know, emails and tweets And letters to the show. They had this parade up to the show. I mean, a fabulous parade. It looked great. But they were– And they were really mad at me, and I was like, Whoa, fuck, I don’t want be hating on the transgenders. Not at all. So, you know, I got in– I got in touch with their– their chair– Their, uh– I got in touch with their chief. The chie–the chie– “chief transgender, craig?” yes, their tribe. Uh… The transgenders. No, I got in touch with a prominent member of– No, see, that’s not a good way of saying it either. I don’t even mean to do this! I got in touch with a well-respected figure In the transgender community. I’m like, “what the fuck, man?” I didn’t say “man.” I said, like, “what the fuck?” Like, I don’t want to he hating. Why are you guys so mad at me? I don’t–I don’t– you got me wrong. I’m not hating on you. What happened? He said, “well, you do these sketches on your show. You did this sketch on your show.” I went, “I know they’re shit. You’re overreacting.” He’s like, “no, no, no. In one of the sketches, You wore a dress, and it was very disrespectful.” I’m like, “oh, fuck, that’s it? “well, you should know I’ve been disrespecting you at home “as well. “actually, one night in amsterdam 1987, “I was downright fuckin’ rude to your entire community. Good time.” But I don’t want to be hating on transgenders. I really don’t. I mean, if you’re a transgender person, And you’re here tonight, first of all, you look great. And secondly, good choice in d.C. Yes. Who’s to know? Hey, I never said a fuckin’ thing. You thought it. I didn’t say shit. No, I don’t want to be hating on transgenders, I don’t wanna– Transgender, by the way– If you don’t know what transgender is, First of all, what? Transgender is someone who believes they’re trapped In the wrong physical body. A man trapped in a woman’s body, a woman trapped in a man’s body. You know, that’s a tough place to be. I don’t want to be hating on someone who’s in that position. I sympathize with that. I empathize with that. I look at my own naked body in a mirror and I’m like, “look at–fuck, look at me. I’m a man trapped in the body of a middle-aged woman. Look at me. I’m not even a hot middle-aged woman. I’m like an out of shape delta flight attendant. Look at my saggy little tits and my flat ass. On the upside, though, I do seem to have an enormous clitoris. that’s too much? All right, that’s too much. All right. Well, we found the edge. You’re right, that was too much. But while we’re on the subject, Is it “clitoris” or “cli-toris”? “clitoris” or “cli-toris”? There’s always a big argument In my house all the time. Like “‘clitoris,’ ‘cli-toris,’ ‘clitoris,’ ‘cli-toris.'” I’m like, “honey, why are we arguing about this thing? It doesn’t exist.” Oh, it’s a fuckin’ joke! It’s a joke! Look at me! You think I don’t know my way around a clitoris? Look at me! I’ve spent half of my damn life doing this. Oh, god. I’ve been doing this around the world. Counterclockwise for american girls, Clockwise for australian girls. I can do the clitoris. I can do your clitoris from here. Look, this is me doing it. Mmm. You feel that? That’s me. whoo! Hey. pow. “craig, it’s like you’re a magician.” Yes, it is. You’re right, that was too far. “clitoris,” “cli-toris,” “clitoris,” “cli-toris.” I suggest a name we can all agree on. How about “ladycock”? I’ll take that as a yes, there. Now look, I don’t want to be hating on transgenders. I don’t believe in hating on people for what they are. It’s not my thing, man. I’m, like, love all the people. Like, fuck this. I’m like a hippie, you know, Except I’m angry and scottish and clean. It’s very difficult to be a hippie if you’re scottish. You can’t really do it. It’s ’cause of the, you know, the easy sexual thing. It was like, well, fuck, no. Oh, no. It’s not that we believe sex is sinful. We don’t. We just believe it’s sinful if you enjoy it. To this day–I’ve lived in america 20 years. But to this day, whenever– you know, during an orgasm, I still try and look stoic. Even if I’m on my own. Anytime, I’m like, “ah, that’s–that’s very nice, right? “mm-hmm. “oh, yeah. “and thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. See you next time, regis.” And that’s really the way it is. Oh, it’s a fuckin’ joke. Relax. Or is it? No, I don’t believe in hating on people. I mean, fuck that. Life’s hard enough. I don’t want to be hating on people. I also think it’s bad karma. It comes back and gets you anyway, If you start all that fuckin’ oppressing people. Like, it seems to me every couple of months, There’s always some fiery preacher who’s always like, “I hate the gays. I hate the gays. “I hate the gays. Oh, I hate the gays “with their sweater vests “and their ‘house hunters international.’ I hate the gays. I hate the gays.” And they hate the gays. And then they get caught in a massage parlor Blowing an Armenian sailor. Now if this happened once, I’d let it go. But it hasn’t just happened once. It happens every couple of months. And you fuckin’ know I’m telling the truth. Every couple of months, there’s like, “I hate the gays. “I hate the gays. I hate the gays. I hate the gays. I hate the gays.” I’d go as far as to say if you are really interested In oppressing and hating the gays, It might be a sign you’re gay. So you know, before you begin your system of oppression, You might want to, you know, just try some gay things. Gentle gay things, mild gay things. Put some scatter cushions out. Shave with the grain. Suck a cock or two. I’m here to help. Suck a cock or two, see what– If you don’t like it, who loses? No, no, you’re right. That’s too far. Is it? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Look, I have to say, I don’t–I don’t– I’ve been all over the United States. Really, I’ve been in every state in the union. I’ve performed in every state in the union. I’ve been all over, and I have to tell you, 99 % of americans that I’ve met Don’t give a fuck about what you’re doing or what you’re up to as long as you stay the fuck off of their property. “I don’t give a fuck what you wear or who you do it with, But you stay the fuck off of my lawn.” And that’s it. It’s just–you know, it’s just easier To look at other people’s shit. Then you don’t have to look at your own. There you are. Where’s my fuckin’ phd? That’s it. That’s it. That’s why the gossip, you know, websites And the tabloid magazines are always, like, Fuckin’ in other people’s shit. But you know what? I’m fuckin’ sick of it. I’m fuckin’ sick of it. I’m sick–every time I go in a fuckin’ supermarket, There’s all these tabloids around, and then it’s always “brad pitt, jennifer aniston, angelina jolie— What’s gonna happen now?” who gives a fuck? I don’t care. Seven years this shit’s been going on. “brad pitt, jennifer aniston, angelina jolie– What’s gonna happen now? What’s gonna happen now? I don’t care. If you don’t know the story, very briefly, here’s what it is. Just very briefly, here’s apparently what happened. Brad pitt and jennifer aniston were very happily married, And they used to live in a lovely house in malibu. And they were asleep one night. And while they were asleep, angelina jolie Crept into their house. And she was wearing– She was wearing a striped shirt, And she had a bag with a dollar sign on it. And she stole brad pitt. Stole him like he was a fuckin’ toaster. I’m like, come on! I don’t believe this shit for a minute. And they always paint it as, like, you know, Brad pitt’s this kind of dumb guy. He’s like, “I don’t know.” And angelina jolie’s like, Like snidely fuckin’ whiplash. And poor jen, her heart has been broken one more time. Like, oh, for fuck sakes, come on. Men can’t be stolen away like that Just ’cause another hot woman comes along. I can’t finish this without laughing. No, wait, that’s not true. We’re not that shallow. I know that you think we’re shallow, ladies, But we’re not that shallow. Well, not after the age of 40. Then we just get, you know, like, “fuck it. I’m good here. I’d need to move all my stuff. It’s fine.” You know a perfect example of that is the actor warren beatty. Warren beatty, for, you know, for 30 years– The ’60s, the ’70s, the ’80s– Warren beatty shagged everybody, everybody. He was like, “hi, how you doing? I’m warren beatty. “what’s up, baby? Warren beatty. Hey, welcome to australia. I’m warren beatty.” He shagged everybody. Then he met annette bening, and he just–boom–stopped. And the tabloids were like, “whoa, Annette Bening must know that trick you can do with your finger.” You know that trick? You get yourself a gay friend, he’ll sort you right out. Or a doctor. Or a gay doctor friend. It don’t matter. Look, just learn the fuckin’ trick. No, but the tabloids were like, “whoa. Oh, no. What does annette bening have that all these other women don’t have?” I say, I tell you what she has, a fuckin’ tired warren beatty. That’s what she has. He’s like… Warren Beatty shagged everybody for 30 years, And now he’s in his mid-70s, he has three teenage daughters. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it? Anyway, brad pitt, angelina jolie, and jennifer aniston. Oh, brad. And angelina. And jennifer– oh, poor jennifer! Her heart has been broken. I’m like, “shut the fuck up.” come on, Jennifer aniston’s a very capable, successful woman. Stop this. She’s a– and if Jennifer aniston had done What a smart woman does when she marries someone, she’d still be married to brad pitt. When a smart woman wants to stay married to a guy, after the wedding, she fattens him up a little bit. Not too much. Just enough to slow the fucker down in case he gets any ideas. “have some dessert, honey. You’ve been working so hard. I love your little love handle, little muffin tops.” Fatten him up a little bit, get him to wear a lot of sweaters, maybe. A lot of knitwear, a lot of sweaters with little patterns on them. The that guys think they’re little patterns, but they’re not patterns. They’re hieroglyphics other women can read. It says, “back off, bitch. Fatty’s mine.” If Jennifer aniston had played her cards right, six months after she married brad pitt, He’d have looked like alec baldwin, He’d have dressed like regis, she’d still be married. But oh, no. She had to keep him hot. So in the middle of the night, In comes the husband stealer. Angelina jolie– what a bitch. What a bitch, with her six children, three of whom were adopted from war-torn countries. What a bitch. Angelina jolie, that husband-stealing bitch that gave $10 million to charity last year. What a bitch. Angelina jolie, the U.N. Ambassador for children– What a fuckin’ bitch! Calling angelina jolie a husband stealer Is like calling hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it? That is true. Hitler was a vegetarian. He was. They don’t tell you that at whole foods, do they? “do you know who else was a vegetarian? Hitler.” “give me some sausages.” It’s true. Hitler was a vegetarian. He was a teetotaler. He didn’t drink. He didn’t smoke. And he was an artist, too. He used to do little landscapes, little watercolors. If he wasn’t the worst prick who ever lived, He’d probably have his own show on npr. that would be awesome. “well, it’s been a quiet week here in berlin. “craig, this may be going too far.” I know. “then why are you doing it?” I don’t care. “surely you must care a little bit.” Not much. Nah, hitler wouldn’t want to be on npr, anyway. He’d want to be on fm. He’d want his own morning zoo show, A drive-time in the morning show. That’d be hitler, yeah. He’d want his own posse. He’d be like, “welcome to drive time in the morning With hitler, goebbels, und Mel Gibson.” Yeah, that would be better, yeah. “hey, what’s the traffic like this morning, Mel?” “well, it’s a little backed up on the freeway. I blame the jews.” I was very surprised to find out that mel gibson was a nazi. I did not see that coming in the movie “what women want.” I was very surprised to find out that mel was a nazi, But not as surprised as the city council of the town of sterling, In scotland, who after the movie Braveheart, came out, Decided they were gonna put up a statue To the great Scottish patriot William Wallace, Who was played by Mel Gibson in that movie very well. So they put up a statue of mel fuckin’ gibson Right in the middle of town. And then it comes out mel’s a nazi. And they were like, “aw, fuck! “one of you kids get up there and draw a little mustache On that thing.” Then everyone in hollywood was saying, “oh, come on. Mel gibson’s not a nazi, he was just drunk.” I’m like, “really? You can get that drunk?” I was a blackout drunk for 15 years. I never went “third reich” on anybody’s ass at any point. How’s that? It was like, “maybe I’m a lightweight. That’s what it is. I was one tequila away.” I’m like, “I’m staggering. I’m staggering. “okay, one more. Oh, I’m goose-stepping. I’m goose-step–” Then, when he gets caught being a nazi, Mel Gibson did what everybody in Hollywood does when they get caught being a fuckin’ jerk. He runs away to rehab. Rehab in Hollywood is like “safe” When you’re playing games as a kid. It’s like, “oh, oh, oh, rehab. “rehab. Yeah. I blame the Jews. Rehab.” Which pisses me off, ’cause I went to rehab. It’s true. I went to rehab 20 years ago For chronic alcohol and cocaine addiction, Which seems a little unfair to me, Because although I did drink a lot, and I certainly took a lot Of cocaine, I never thought of myself as a cocaine addict. I always thought cocaine was just a kind of vitamin That helped you drink more. I still kind of believe that. But it’s true. I went to rehab. You can go to fuckin’ rehab for anything now. It doesn’t have to be anything like that. You can go to rehab for anything. I went to a Hollywood party– this is true–recently. And this guy came over to me, and he was like, “hey, you’ve been very open about your struggles With drink and drugs.” I’m like, “it’s not really a struggle. I haven’t had them for a long time.” He was like, “yeah, but you’ve been very open About your past with it.” I’m like, “well, it is what it is.” And he said, “well, I have a substance abuse problem.” I was like, “oh, really? What’s your thing?” He’s like, “chocolate.” I was like, “oh, man. You know what you should do? You should go fuck yourself.” He was like, “oh, man, that’s harsh.” I’m like, “no, no, you’re a fuckin’ idiot! You’re not addicted to chocolate. Shut up.” If you’re here tonight, and you think You’re addicted to chocolate, you’re not–you’re stupid! I know you think you’re–I mean, I know what it’s like. I’ve eaten too much chocolate in my life. I understand that. Sometimes you eat A little too much chocolate, you go, “oh, I feel bad.” But it’s different. I’ve never gone out, and I thought, “mm, I’m just gonna have an almond joy.” Then you have an almond joy and go, “oh, fuck! “I’ve got to have more almond joys. “I got to have another one. I got to have more. “oh, get a snickers bar up my ass. “I got to get a snickers bar. “oh, pour hershey all over my tits, hershey over my tits. “I got to rub chocolate all over fuckin’– “ah, stick it in my taint. “I got to have chocolate all over me. Ah, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!” Then wake up three days later on the floor of a piggly wiggly with a sore ass and a tattoo. That’s fuckin’ addiction. But there’s also a downside. Look, I’m not judging you. If you think you’re addicted to chocolate, Then you’re just a fuckin’ idiot. I’m not saying there aren’t other pathologies. I understand there are different pathologies. I understand there are different addictions. But it’s hard to know what’s what. You can’t pathologize the human condition. I mean, there are some things you go, “wait a minute, You’re just a fuckin’ asshole.” Like, the–like sexual addiction, right? Sexual addiction. I understand there’s a problem there. I understand there’s a compulsive behavior. But how do you know when you’re a sex addict or just you? “well, let me tell you…” No, there was a very big Hollywood star that got into terrible trouble with sex addiction. I won’t say his name, ’cause he’s on the show a lot, and it would be a little disloyal. So let’s just call him blavid bluchovny. Did you just fuckin’ tell him who blavid bluchovny is? “I think it’s jack black.” It’s not jack black! Holy shit. I know you people don’t give a fuck about Hollywood, But really? Anyway, I don’t know if blavid bluchovny is really a sex addict. I mean, the last time he was on the show, I went to his dressing room, and I was eating a banana in front of him… Doing this. It’s very difficult to do that and eat a banana at the same time. I was, I was, like, wearing a low-cut top. And nothing happened. Nothing at all. He just kept crying and asking me to unlock the door. I was like, “put the lotion in the basket. Put the fuckin’ lotion in the basket.” I’m getting very concerned that my Silence of the Lambs Impression is getting very like my Mick Jagger impression. “Put the fuckin’ lotion in the fuckin’ basket.” No, I’m just saying. Look, I’m not–what happens, It’s Hollywood, I think, does this. Hollywood tries to, you know, pathologize everything. It lets everybody off the hook. I mean, Hollywood is– what happens is, these ideas, They take place in Hollywood. Strange ideas take place in Hollywood. And then Hollywood exports pop culture. So it goes out, and it gets into the mainstream. And that’s why people believe fuckin’ stupid shit. See, I live in Hollywood. And let me tell you something, There are more douche bags per square foot in Hollywood than anywhere I’ve been in my life. And I include fuckin’ England. I’m not kidding. Like, and it’s not like– not everybody’s bad. I’m not saying that. But there are– You know, there’s, like, two basic types Of people in hollywood. You got the gullible people, who are not that bad. You know, they go to hollywood to be discovered. They go, “I’ve got to be discovered.” What do you think you are, penicillin? And they’re not bad people. They’re just stupid and a bit greedy. I mean, I get it. I was like that too, And still am a bit. But it’s the people that prey on them that are weird. You know, the people that say, “you better believe “what I believe, or you won’t be discovered. “better give me your money. “you better believe what I believe. “you better, you know… Psychology is bad. You’ll die if you do any.” Thank you. One psychiatrist in the back going, “finally, something for me. “for I am a nazi… “who practices psychology. I’m an unusual man, I admit.” Anyway, what I’m saying is, you know, It’s just that Hollywood– these weird fuckin’ ideas start happening in Hollywood. And then, because Hollywood exports the, you know, Pop culture, it gets into the fuckin’ mainstream. And then weird shit gets believed. Like, this is true. In Hollywood, there’s, you know, just, like, normal people you think are normal. And they’ve got such weird fuckin’ ideas. There’s a friend of my wife’s, a lovely woman. Friend of the family, really. She’s a lovely woman. You know, her kids go to the same school as my kids. You know, she’s a soccer mom, drives her kids to school, All that, just, like a normal, regular woman. Except every couple of months, in order to get rid of the “negative energy” in her body, she puts a hen’s egg in her vagina. That may be the noise she makes as it goes in as well. I don’t know, it depends if it’s been in the refrigerator or not. All I’m saying is– she does. She puts a hen’s egg in her vagina. You know, her own vagina, not my wife’s vagina. No, I–no. No, she puts– She puts a hen’s egg in her vagina. And I’m thinking, “look, that’s dangerous.” That is dangerous. What if you were out somewhere, and that hatched? “is your vagina clucking?” “would you like it to?” Look, I’m not trying to rain on your parade. If you want to put, you know, an egg in your vagina, You’re just an idiot. No, it’s just stupid. I mean, my wife said to her, “does this work? Really, honestly, does it work?” She said, “you know, it does. “I know it sounds weird, but it does. Whenever I take it out, I feel such a sense of relief.” Like, yes! I don’t even have a vagina. The idea of a hen’s egg in my vagina makes me uncomfortable. I fell victim to that kind of thinking too, though. When I first moved to Hollywood, I was very, very twitchy. I had just gotten sober. I was very, very twitchy and very volatile, Very–ooh, even twitchier than I am now. I was like–you know when Daffy Duck drinks a potion in a cartoon or something? And it’s like… Like that twitchy. And I was like that all the time. So, you know, the only employment I could get is that of an actor, ’cause you can do that if you’re insane and stupid. Yes, you can. Here’s how you do it. You pretend things. It’s like, “oh, it was very hard work in this movie.” “really? What did you do?” “we pretended things.” “oh, fuck, that must have been really hard.” Here’s how you do acting. Oh, what’s that over there? There’s nothing there. I just–I fuckin’ acted right there! Anyway, one day– I was working as an actor, And I was working with this very new age actress, a very nice woman, a lovely woman, A very caring person, but very new age and very Hollywood, and very all that, kind of, you know, eggs and all that kind of stuff. And when we weren’t on the set together, I’d visit her in her trailer. No, I would visit her in her trailer. And I was so twitchy and upset. And she said, “baby, your problem isn’t alcoholism.” I was like, “it isn’t? Fuckin’ great. Let’s get drunk.” She’s like, “no, no, no, no. “honey, your problem isn’t alcoholism. “Your problem is that your aura is misaligned. Your aura is all out of whack.” And I’m like,”my aura? What, you mean, I’m farting?” She’s like, “yeah, but no. “No, what happened–your aura, baby, it’s all out of whack. “You need to have your aura worked on. “You need to have an aura adjustment. You need to go and have an aura massage.” I’m like, “you’re fuckin’ high.” She’s like, “you got to go, or no more visits to my trailer.” I’m like, “okay.” So I went. I went to this place. It really exists. It’s in Hollywood. It’s an aura massage spa where you can go and have your aura massaged. And I went. And I walked in. And it’s just like regular spa place you go for a massage, You know, the people wearing the white coats And the little rocks and the little trees and the little fountain and the Enya music playing and all that stuff. And like any guy going for a massage, I’m thinking, “am I gonna get jerked off here?” I mean, you know it’s not gonna happen, but it might happen. I mean, it’s not gonna happen, but it might happen. This might be the one time when the therapist goes, “you know, this is unethical, but I can see the problem. Here, let me just take a…” I try and instigate it now. You know when they say, “any problem areas?” Like, “I have a lot of tension right here.” You know, you don’t want it to happen, but it might, and you want to be ready. That’s why straight guys always ask for a female therapist. ‘Cause you think, “well, if I’m gonna get jerked off, I’d prefer if it was a lady.” You know it’s not gonna happen, but it might. Look, any guy that says to you if he goes for a massage that doesn’t go through his head, he’s fuckin’ lying to you. That goes through your head. You know it’s not gonna happen, but it might. That’s how you can tell when a guy’s been for a legitimate massage. He comes out relaxed and a little bit disappointed. It’s like, “how was your massage, honey?” Like, “ah, it’s good. It’s great. Really got my shoulder.” Anyway, so I go to get my aura massage, and it’s just like a regular massage. You know, you lie on the table, take your clothes off, towel over your junk. Big towel. Big, giant beach towel over my junk. And then the massage treatment is exactly the same As a regular massage. The therapist comes in, very nice young woman. And it’s the same as a regular massage, except this is the therapist’s hands, Then this is a foot of air, and then there’s you. And in here is your aura. I’m like, “are you fuckin’ shitting me?” But, you know, they really sell it. So you know, you don’t want to be an asshole. And they say all the same things, like, “how’s the pressure there?” And I’m like, “good, good. That’s great.” And they’re fuckin’ doing it. And I’m like, “I am such a fuckin’ tool for being here.” And she’s saying all these things like, “oh, there’s a knot there.” And I’m like, “oh, yeah, that’s the spot, yeah.” I felt such a prick. And I was actually getting tense and angry and angrier at myself, and angrier and angrier. I was so fuckin’ tense, by the time she finished– I was so relieved, I felt as if I had a hen’s egg removed from my vagina. And then, when I went to go and write the check… You know, I was at the receptionist. And the receptionist said, “when you make out the check, make it to the aura, you know, Chakra Chiropractic Clinic.” And I’m like, “this is chiropracty?” And she said, “no, no, no. But if you call it that, you can claim it on your insurance.” And I was like, “oh… Doesn’t that fuck with your aura?” And I left in a cloud of smug. But that happened. That’s true. Yeah, thanks for that round of applause for being a dick. No, but that really happened. There’s nothing new in that, I suppose. I mean, humans have believed in shit for years. And we believe in utter fuckin’ rubbish. It is a miracle we are still here. It really is. We are fuckin’ stupid. Do you know that for a couple of hundred years in the middle ages– this is true– people believed that the cure for blindness— In places in Europe, this is a real– You can google this, and it comes up, and then you know it’s true. The cure for blindness– apparently, in parts of Europe, they believed that rubbing dog shit in the eyes of a blind person would cure their blindness. I know. That’s what, probably, the blind person said. He was like, “oh!” And they believed it for a couple of hundred years. It wasn’t, like, an afternoon. I can understand trying it. I can understand, like, “oh, fuck. Bob’s gone blind. What the fuck are we gonna do?” “I don’t know. It’s the fuckin’ middle ages. Try dog shit.” “Okay. We’ll rub dog shit in his eyes.” But it’s not like it worked. It’s not like somebody went, “oh, the smell is awful, but look at the beauty of nature.” It doesn’t work. And you know the blind person was like, “oh, what the fuck are you guys doing?” Like, “it’s a special lotion from France, bob.” “no, it’s not. I’m blind, I’m not stupid. “I’ve got that blind person sense of smell. I can tell you whose dog this is.” You know when people glamorize the past? I’m like, “really? What about going back To rubbing dog shit in our eyes?” See, when I hear people romanticize the past and all that, I think about that. You know, like, you know, back in the day, When people would go, “oh, yes, things were so lovely Back in ren faire times.” Like, “shut the fuck up. No, they weren’t.” “yes, things were great. Everyone was a gryffindor.” It was a terrible time. The past was awful. Fuck the past. I grew up in the past. I did. I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. You had disco. We had rickets. Kind of the same effect. You’re going… You’re right, that’s too far. “dear Craig, I am a transgender Nazi with rickets, And I am very upset.” It’s a fuckin’ joke. But whenever people glamorize the past, I’m like, “really? – Modern medicine. There, fuck you and your glamorizing the past.” I hate that idea. Modern medicine, if you can afford it– Shut up, Canadians– Is the miracle– is the miracle of the age. See, it’s true. Whenever I’m in d.C.– It used to be Walter Reed. Now it’s a different place slightly out of town. But the Walter Reed– You know, it’s for our soldiers that get, You know, wounded in battle. And what the doctors can do for those guys there Is un-fuckin’-believable, unbelievable. it’s true. I mean, they’re working with extraordinary patients. I mean, amazing guys. I met a guy there, a marine. It’s true. He had lost both of his legs Below the knee from an I.E.D. And he’d had them replaced with prosthetic legs, you know, Legs and feet, and he was walking around. He said he had no pain. He had no limp. You know, and, you know, he was, like, handling it really well With a good attitude. He was really kinda fine with it. He was helping the other patients. The only way you could tell is ’cause he was wearing shorts. And I said to him, “man, you’re handling this so well.” And he’s like– and this is true. This is exactly what he said to me. He said, “you kidding me, pal? I came in here 5’10”, I’m leaving 6’2″.” That fucking amazing? That’s what he said! Came in 5’10”, leaving 6’2″. See, that right–that’s a fucking american badass, right there. “came in here 5’10”, leaving 6’2″.” Hoo-fucking-rah. See, that’s another reason why you don’t want to be fighting against these guys. Can you imagine? ’cause he was like– He wanted to go back. His unit were still overseas. And he was like, “I want to go back. I want to go back.” And the military are like, “you’ve done enough.” He’s like, “no, I want to go back.” Can you imagine what it would be like being the fucking Taliban, going, “oh, my god, you shoot their legs off, they come back fucking taller!” It’s fucking– can you imagine the astonishing bravery in that young man? I mean, the fortitude, the courage in that individual. That’s unbelievable to me. I don’t have a teaspoon of that in my body, not a fucking ounce, not an atom of that in me. I shit my pants watching Shark Week. Although I went on Shark Week once. I did. Yeah. No, the discovery channel phoned me up. And they said, “hey, you’re always talking “about Shark Week. You want to go diving with sharks?” And I was like, “fuck, yeah.” Which is how I answer the phone, apparently. So I went. And I was really brave about, you know, the shark diving, right until I had to do it. I was, uh– Fuck, man. It was horrible, ’cause it was in the Bahamas, which is a lovely place, the Bahamas. And they flew us to the Bahamas. Now, if you’ve ever been to the Bahamas, you’ll know this, because everybody that’s from the Bahamas or is taking you to the Bahamas will tell you… “Sean Connery lives here.” They’re all like, “oh, Sean Connery lives in the Bahamas. Sean Connery lives here.” “what accent is that, Craig?” it’s one I can do. “is it Bahamian?” close enough. But it’s true. They’re very proud of Sean Connery living in the Bahamas. And when you get out of the airport–it’s true– If you’re very quiet, you can hear him. In his garden, he’s like… “just pruning the roses. “I wonder what’s for lunch. “I’ll just go over here. Oh, I think I left my thing over there.” Anyway, Sean Connery lives in the Bahamas. So I was there for the sh– for the Shark Week. Like, really? Like, really? ¶ the phantom of the opera is there ¶ “this is the curse, my friends. “sometimes, when you attack the clitoris with gusto, It is difficult to turn it off.” Thank you, Dracula. “you’re welcome.” You got to get out more, really. Someone’s been doing you clockwise. It’s simple mistake. I’ve done it myself. Anyway, I went shark diving. I went shark diving in the Bahamas. I get to the dock, and the boat was there, And the dive master was there, and I was like, I said, “hey, where’s the cage, you know, the shark cage?” He’s like, “there’s no cage.” I went, “oh, yeah, there fucking is. “I’ve seen this on tv. There’s a cage. “the guy from tv goes in the cage, “cage goes in the water, shark comes up and goes, “rah!” “the guy from tv goes, ‘oh, that was intense,’ “and goes home completely intact. There’s a cage.” He’s like, “no, it’s not that kind of diving.” I’m like, “really? What kind of diving is it, ‘the Scottish guy is bait’ diving?” He’s like, “get in the boat.” So I get in the boat. Now in this place, they go shark diving every day. And they go to the same place every day. The same place every day! The sharks know you’re coming. They’re already there. I’m not kidding. They’re swimming in circles. They’re playing volleyball and high-fiving each other and shit. There’s a big wiseass shark off in the corner, going… And that’s what you jump into. That’s what you have to jump into. And you have to jump in. You have to, because there’s attractive women on that boat. And like any heterosexual man, I would rather be torn apart by large, meat-eating predators than risk the possibility that one of those women is a massage therapist that’s gonna go crazy and jerk me off in the boat. Now, you know it’s not gonna happen! But it might happen. But it’s certainly not gonna happen if you start crying and poo your wet suit… Which was my first choice. So I jumped into the shark-infested waters. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I did. I jumped into the shark-infested waters, and I was amazed. The sharks were not what I thought they were gonna be at all. They were beautiful. They were like, “hey. hi, dude.” They were like Osmonds. And you could feed them bits of fish off of a spear gun, just like Osmonds. And I said to the dive master later– I mean, you can’t talk to him underwater. You sound like honey boo boo. It’s like… But later on, I said to him, “that was amazing, Feeding them the fish with the spear gun.” And he said, “yeah, yeah.” I said, “but what would’ve happened If we’d run out of fish?” He said, “well, they’d probably just swim away.” I said, “have you ever tried it?” He said, “are you fucking crazy? They’re sharks.” And then, when we were coming back on the boat, I was talking to the kids that worked on the boat. And it was all American kids, college kids, kids on the lam, you know, and that, you know. They were–and they– I was talking to them. And I said, “has anyone ever been bitten? You know, even a little nibble or a scratch from a shark?” And every single one of them showed me fingers off, bits of ear missing, toes, fucking bite marks on their ass. I went… “you motherfuckers!” Like, as high as that as well. I was very upset. I was like, “you motherfuckers!” Like, dogs in the Bahamas were like… “we’re a motherfucker?” Sean Connery was like, “who said ‘motherfucker’? That was– that was very high pitched.” But the sharks were beautiful. They were amazing. I mean, these creatures are really wonderful, And we should not be afraid of them as long as we are on land. No, they’re lovely. They’re beautiful animals. I wouldn’t have believed this if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But this is true. I really saw this. In many species of shark, the male of the species has two penises, side by–yes. Side by side, two penises. I saw it. A male nurse shark swam towards me. He was like, “hey, what’s up? Mm-hmm. “how you doing? Oh, oh, oh. look at the penis.” “penis.” Two penises. I was like, “look at you, mr. Mister.” Like, that’s why they’re so confident. They’re like, “hey, heh heh, yeah.” That’s why they’re so angry as well. Two penises, no hands. “I’ll swap you a penis for a hand.” Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’d said that. Is it penises or penii? I’ve never had to use the plural. All right, one night in Amsterdam in 1987, I guess. But they were lovely. You know what I was thinking? What a terrible thing it would be, though, for the drug companies of America if the human male had two penises. I mean, you would never sell any viagra or cialis or any of that shit. I mean, what are the odds of both of them failing at the same time? It would be like aircraft engines. One of them would go out. It would be like, “don’t worry. Everything’s fine. “We train for this all the time. “All the time, we train for this. “We’ll get you where you need to go. “Might go a little lower or a little slower, But it’s not a problem. Very routine.” I’m kind of enjoying myself now. I’m gonna do this for a while. Kind of having a good time. I just thought these animals were beautiful. And the reason I wanted to swim with the sharks is because I love nature documentaries. I adore them, and I– It was the way I bonded with my father when I was a kid. We used to watch them. We used to watch these BBC nature documentaries on British television. They were shown here on PBS. Beautiful, big documentariesnNarrated by sir David Attenborough, Who has that lovely voice. He would always say like, “here in the Serengeti, you know, “huge wildebeest moving across over there. Oh, so lovely.” And he would talk quietly like that to make you think he was there. He wasn’t there. But he wanted you to think he was there. He said, “I’m talking quietly. “there’s a fucking lion right there. “So shh, fucking lion. I’m very brave. Fucking lion right there.” But of course, he, you know, he wasn’t there. He was in a sound studio in London. It was six months later. He’s looking at the footage. He’s saying it. It’s, like, the same, you know, when you hear the sound of the lion eating the zebra. And you hear all that… You know, they add that later on. It’s a guy in a studio watching the footage, going… There’s not a sound guy in the middle of Africa going, “quiet, everybody. Lion eating a zebra.” They add it later on. It’s a guy, a specialist. He’s like… It’s the same guy that does porn. aah! Anyway, that’s–and when we watched these documentaries, it was when my father did the one joke of his life. He did one joke in his life, and it was this. We were watching a nature documentary, the whole family. It was my mom and my dad and my brother and my two sisters. We were watching this documentary about chimpanzees. And they were all being very naughty, little hairy bastards, running around throwing poo on each other. And–and my dad said, “oh, yes. There’s Craig and his friends. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” And I was like, “noooo!” and he was like, “yes.” The rest of my family are like, “yes.” Scorn. And because it got a laugh, he would then say it every time we watched a nature documentary. Like, for years and years afterwards. And it didn’t make sense, like, we’d go– We’d watch a documentary about seahorses or something. And he’d go, “there’s Craig and his friends.” I’d be like, “dad, I’m 40. Fucking give it up.” But he would keep going until he got a laugh. He wouldn’t shut up until he got a laugh. Like, he’d keep going. It’s the same technique I now use on the studio audience in my television show. I know that shit isn’t funny, but I know I’m keeping going, ’cause they know they’re not fucking going anywhere until they laugh. You may leave. No, you know, people say to me, “Craig, why do you call the studio audience hobos at your show?” And I’ll tell you why, ’cause they are. Some of them, anyway. I’ll tell you how I found out. ’cause after the show one day, I went to the restroom. And I use the same restroom as the audience. Show business. And I went into the restroom. And there was a gentleman who had been in the audience, washing his feet. That’s a clue. He was washing his feet. I was like, “hey, what’s up?” He’s like, “just washing my feet.” I’m like, “yeah, go ahead.” And–and he said, “I love your show, man.” I said, “thanks very much.” He said, “to be honest, I don’t care for you. The accent, it’s irritating.” Like, okay. He said, “but I just love coming here. “I love coming here to– “you know, I can wash my feet, they give us some snacks, And they pay me 10 bucks an hour.” I’m like, “what? They pay you 10 bucks an hour?” He’s like, “oh, yes.” I was like, “fuck, wait there.” So I go and see the producers of the show. I said, “are we paying hobos 10 bucks an hour to pretend to like me?” And they said, “oh, yes.” What the fuck? They said, “everybody does that.” And apparently, everybody does. I didn’t know. They said, “everybody does it.” All the daytime shows, all the late night shows, all the award shows. Any show with an audience, the Emmys, the Oscars, The Grammys, fucking anything. They have this team of hobos that go from place to place. I don’t know how they get in touch with them. It’s like a bat signal or something, and… And they’re seat fillers, because nobody wants to see an empty seat on tv. So these people, you know, they wait and if– So like, at the Oscars, if Tom Cruise has to go to the bathroom during the Oscars, a hobo will go over to his seat and, you know, fill the seat. And if Tom Cruise wins the Oscar while the hobo’s in the seat, the hobo has to go up and collect. That last bit isn’t true, But that would be fucking awesome if it was. “Oh, I’d like to thank everybody under the bridge.” It would just be more entertaining. Anyway, yeah, my dad watched the nature documentaries. My mother hated them. But my mother was a very different person. She was someone who glamorized the past, which was weird, ’cause my mother grew up in Glasgow in the 1940s, when it was being carpet bombed by Nazis. But she would always say, “oh, things were better during the war.” I was like, “how can you say that? You were being carpet bombed by Nazis.” And she was like, “yes, but you could leave your door open at night.” I’m not–I don’t want you to think I have hard time with my parents. I love my parents. They were great people. I adored them. And my childhood was idyllic. There was never any problem in my childhood. That’s why I became an alcoholic stand-up comedian. No, I didn’t– they were good, my parents. They were good people. You do your best with your kids. The minute you have your own kids, you forgive your parents. You’re like, “oh, fuck. I get it.” But I try– “yeah, okay, I get it. Kids are assholes. I understand.” But I try, you know, I try not to do what my parents were a little bit guilty of. They used to always say, “oh, you kids have got it too easy.” And I try not to do that to my own kids. But it’s fucking hard not to. It’s fucking hard not to when I see them, and they’re sitting in the back of the car with a five-point seat belt molded fucking thing in the car and the safety helmet and the– then the intravenous cheerios into their arms. Fucking screen with around-the-clock Teletubbies. Fucking… I’ve seen a lot of fucking Teletubbies in the past two years. That shit’s weird. Weird. Now, remember who’s talking to you here. That’s fucking weird, and I know weird. I have smoked Nepalese temple ball on a beach in Sri Lanka at sunset at a Hindu funeral. But when I see the Teletubbies, I’m like, “what the fuck is that?” Wait. What–what is that? “uh-oh.” “uh-oh” what? “Uh-oh, fall down.” “Uh-oh.” Remember a few years ago, there was a big controversy? People said, “hey, one of those Teletubbiess is gay. That tinky-winky. Tinky-winky is gay.” Tinky-winky’s the one– the pink one with the triangle on his head that carries a handbag. I’m like, “why would you think he’s gay?” Tink–I’ve seen a lot of Teletubbies. Let me tell you something, tinky-winky is not gay. Tinky-winky is a fucking drunk. It’s like tinky-winky’s like, “uh-oh. Tinky-winky fall down.” “tinky-winky want a little drinky.” Tinky-winky’s not gay. Po, the one with the cock on his head, he’s gay. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I try not to give my kids a hard time. But it’s hard. You know, you see them in there with their fucking child seats. There were no child seats in my dad’s car. There were no fucking seats in my dad’s car. It wasn’t technically a car. My dad was a mail carrier. We just had a little post office van. When we went around a tight corner, he’d be like, “aim for a soft parcel.” Ooh, shit! I was going to tell you that joke Drew Carey told me. I forgot. No, I want to tell you this joke. It’s important, because I love this joke. This is a great joke. It’s a really good joke, Because it involves a traveling salesman. And I like that because too many jokes today don’t. Traveling salesmen are going away. They’re going away. They’re being replaced by guys calling you up from India, pretending they’re not in India. “Hello, this is Scooter.” “How about that… local team?” “Are you happy with your long-distance provider?” Well, they can fucking reach me from India, Scooter. So, yeah, I’m all right. Anyway, this is a joke… This is a joke that involves a traveling salesman. And I like this joke. A traveling salesman walks up to a house, and he knocks on the door. And the door is answered by a ten-year-old boy who’s wearing a bra and panties and high-heeled shoes. He’s smoking a cigar and drinking a scotch. And the salesman goes, “whoa, son, are your parents home?” And the kid says, “what the fuck do you think?” And that’s my joke. – Oh, my god, it’s gonna go all the way! Ohh!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: Equanimity (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-equanimity-2017-full-transcript/

“Equanimity” was shot in Washington, D.C., and it covers the material that Chappelle developed in his monthlong stint at Radio City Music Hall in 2017. [“Killing Me Softly with His Song” playing] [woman vocalizes] ♪ I heard he sang a good song ♪ ♪ I heard he had a style ♪ [camera shutter clicks] ♪ And so I came to see him To listen for a while ♪ [audience cheers] ♪ And there he was This young boy ♪ ♪ A stranger to my eyes ♪ ♪ Strumming my pain With his fingers ♪ ♪ Singing my life with his words ♪ ♪ Killing me softly with his song ♪ [Dave Chappelle] I came back here where I started because I will shoot my final Netflix special tonight. [audience cheering] That’s right. And after this shit… it’s time to make America wait again. I’ve done too well. You know, if you black in show business and do too well, it’s scary. You got to get the fuck out of the casino while the getting’s good, while you’re still winning. If you don’t walk away from the table, that’s how n i g g a s get Kevin Harted. You already know. That’s my man. I’m just saying, if he got a sex tape out… well, it’s just a matter of time for me. But you know why I be thinking sometimes I wanna stop doing comedy, and you know… I don’t wanna sound like a braggart saying this, but the real, like, reason I wanna stop is because I’m too goddamn good at it. I’m dope, n i g g a, like– I’m not even– I’m not even exaggerating. It’s not exciting. Every night before I come out on stage, I’ll be backstage like, “I’m sure this is gonna go well.” And it always does. I’m so good at writing jokes… And this is not even an exaggeration. I actually write jokes backwards. I will write a punch line with no particular setup in mind. I just put it on a scrap of paper, and I’ll throw that scrap of paper in my fishbowl. I have a fishbowl in my house filled with random punch lines. And every once in a while, I’ll shake the bowl and I’ll dig in there and pull one out, and see if I can make that shit work. And I picked one for this special. It’s not an easy punch line to pull off. Are you ready? [audience] Yeah. Here it goes. The punch line is, “So I kicked her in the pussy.” I haven’t finished the joke yet. I just know whatever happens in the beginning of the joke, at the end of the joke, for some reason, I’m gonna kick somebody in the pussy, and it’s going to be hilarious. You know what’s weird? I’ve always been this talented. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t. You know, when I was growing up, I was probably about eight years old, and at the time, we were living in Silver Spring. Yeah. Yes. Common misconception about me and DC, a lot of people think I’m from the ‘hood’. That’s not true. But I never bothered to correct anybody… because I wanted the streets to embrace me. As a matter of fact, I kept it up as a ruse. Like sometimes I’ll hang out with rappers like Nas and them, and these motherfuckers start talking about the projects. “Yo, it was wild in the PJs, yo.” And I’ll be like, “Word, n i g g a, word.” But I don’t know. I have no idea. My parents did just well enough so that I could grow up poor around white people. To be honest, when Nas and them talk about the projects, n i g g a, I used to get jealous. Because it sounded fun. Everybody in the projects was poor, and that’s fair. But if you were poor in Silver Spring, n i g g a, it felt like it was only happening to you. Nas does not know the pain… of that first sleepover at a white friend’s house. When you come back home on Sunday and just look at your parents like… “Y’all need to step your game up. Everything at Timmy’s house works.” Remember the first time you saw that? The cold winter and to be at a white friend’s house and see them motherfuckers in their living room without their coats on? Timmy was one of my first white friends, like, in my life, man. Good dude, too. He moved to Silver Spring from Utah of all places. I guess his family was affiliated with that Mormon church they got down there. Me and him used to hang out. One day, I was at his house, just hanging out, and Timmy says, “Dave, why don’t you stay for dinner tonight?” I said, “Oh, man, I’d love to, but I can’t.” If I’m not home before dark, my mother will kill me.” That was a lie. My mother had several jobs. I hadn’t seen her in three or four days. And the only reason I lied to Timmy was because at that point in my life, it was my experience that white dinner wasn’t delicious. I’d rather go home and fry some bologna or some shit like that. But then old Timmy threw me a curveball I wasn’t expecting. He said, “Oh, it’s too bad you can’t stay, Dave, ’cause… Mama made Stove Top stuffing.” I said, “What the fuck? Stove Top? Hold on, n i g g a. Let me make some phone calls real quick.” I had seen that commercial so many times, I had dreamt of getting my hands on some of that Stove Top stuffing. Finally I met a motherfucker that actually had a box of Stove Top in the house. I couldn’t miss this opportunity, so I pretended to call my mother. Then I came back and I said, “Timmy. Timmy, you’re not gonna believe this. Great news. Mom said I can stay.” He said, “Fantastic.” He said, “Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll help set the table, and then we can say the blessing?” I had no interest in setting this motherfucker’s table or saying these crazy-ass Mormon prayers. I just wanted the goddamn stuffing. I told Timmy, “You know what? I’d love to help, but let me go wash my hands first.” My plan was simple. Wash my hands slowly, and by the time I’m done, the table will be set, the blessing will be said, and all that there will be left to do is eat. Went to the bathroom. I wash my hands very slowly. I must have been in there for about ten minutes. And suddenly… one of his mothers came to the door. She was like, “Hi. David, right?” I said, “Yes, ma’am.” She said, “Timmy tells me that you’re planning on staying for dinner.” I said, “I hope that’s not a problem, ma’am.” She says, “No, it’s no problem. We’d love to have you. It’s just that we weren’t expecting company. And I’m afraid… there’s not enough Stove Top stuffing… for everybody.” So I kicked her in the pussy. Ladies and gentlemen… I told you I’m dope, n i g g a. I told you that I was gonna say it, and you still didn’t see it coming. And that’s why I make the big bucks. Oh, my God. But there’s a more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now. And this reason is the real reason that’s been percolating, and it really is the crowd. Not you. I’m talking about the crowd on the big stage. It’s too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle. Motherfuckers are so sensitive, the whole country has turned into bitch-ass n i g g a s. Everything you say upsets somebody. You know, I can remember when it all started. It was when I was doing Chappelle’s Show. When I was doing Chappelle’s Show… I used to do the show, and then on the weekends, I’d do concerts and shit like that. So, I’m doing a concert, and there was a couple in the front row. Beautiful couple. The wife… The wife was obviously Asian. You could see it in her face. The husband… this motherfucker was mysterious, to say the least. Couldn’t quite pinpoint where he was from. Caramel-colored fella, very nice hair, but he could have been from anywhere. Bangladesh, Mexico. I can’t guess with a n i g g a like this. All I knew for sure about this guy… was that his wife was a bitch. I could see that in her face, too. No, he was laughing and having a good time, and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show. I couldn’t figure it out. And then I realized at some point that she was pregnant, and I was smoking on stage. I said, “Oh, my God. That’s probably why she’s mad.” So I started to put my cigarette out, but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker coughs. So I just kept smoking. I thought to myself, “Bitch, that baby will be fine. Relax.” Then I tried to break the tension. I just asked her– This is all I said. I go, “Hey, where are you guys from?” And I could tell that she was on to me. Very condescendingly, she says, “I’m from California. If you’re asking my ethnicity… I am Chinese.” And her husband was just cool about the shit. He was like, “I’m Mexican, bro.” I said, “Well, I’m sorry if I offended you by asking, but you’re very beautiful couple. And, miss, there’s no question that you’re gonna give birth to the hardest-working baby this world has ever seen.” It’s not a bad joke. She got very upset. She got up to leave immediately. She didn’t just leave. She had to take one last dig at me on the way out. “I will never buy one of your fucking DVDs again, Dave Chappelle.” I said, “Ma’am, with all due respect… Chinese people don’t buy DVDs.” And the crowd went crazy. We were all laughing and having a good time. I didn’t even think anything of it. And then, just three days later, this lady sends a fucking letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote “racist.” Huh? And… And I’m quoting her, “insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage.” I was like, “Word, bitch, I was?” If she had just done a little bit of research… She would know that I myself am in an interracial marriage. That’s right. In fact, my wife is Asian, too. Surprise, bitch. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving. But my wife’s not Chinese. She’s Filipino. That’s right. And our kids look Puerto Rican somehow, so there you go. I don’t give a fuck about interracial marriage. In fact, you know what? My mother is half white. -A lot of people don’t know that. -[woman screams] All right, you a little too excited, but okay. A lot of people don’t believe me when I say that, but it’s true. You can’t tell looking at me. But if I grew my hair out… you would think you was at a fucking Katt Williams concert. My shit is… My shit is beautiful. But motherfuckers are just taking it too far. I don’t know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive. You know who hates me the most? The transgender community. Yo, yeah, these motherfuck– I mean, I didn’t realize how bad it was. These motherfuckers was really mad about that last Netflix special. It’s tough, man. I don’t know what to do about it ’cause… ‘Cause I like them. Always have. Never had a problem with them. You know. Just fucking around. A matter fact, I think I make fun of everybody. I mean, as a group of people, they have to admit that… it’s kind of fucking hilarious, man. I’m sorry, bro. It’s like… I’ve never seen somebody in such a hilarious predicament not have a sense of humor about it. They’re born feeling like they’re something other than they’re born as, and that’s… That’s kind of funny. I mean, it’s funny if it’s not happening to you. It’s like that white black bitch that’s in the news all the time. Rachel Dolezal. She always says that. She– She– She was– She’s a white woman, but then she dressed up like a n i g g a and… shot her way up to the very top of blackness. And I always wanted to meet her just so I can understand. I just wanted to have dinner with her, so I can just look in her eyes… and call her a n i g g a to her face. What the fuck is that bitch talking about? “I identify as black.” That is trans-talk, lady. Stop biting. Stop biting. There’s a big difference between her and a trans. The difference between her and a trans is I believe transgenders. I don’t understand them either, but I know they mean what they say. Them n i g g a s cut they dicks off. That’s all the proof I need. Never seen somebody just throw their dick away. Don’t need it. I don’t understand, but I believe you, and I support your decision, motherfucker. But how far is Rachel willing to go? Hmm? What is Rachel willing to do so that we blacks can believe that she believes she’s actually one of us? Bitch, are you willing to put a lien on your house? So that you can invest in a mix tape that probably won’t work out. She didn’t even change her name. Didn’t even change her name. Her name is Rachel. I can’t believe in that name. You want my support , you gonna have to change your name to the blackest shit I’ve ever heard. Bitch, you gonna have to change your name to Draymond Green. I don’t know a blacker name than that. That shit is black on paper. If you type “Draymond Green” in the Airbnb… that shit will log off automatic. People get mad, bro. People get mad about everything I say. I was doing a show. I was in Portland, Oregon. And I was checked in a hotel under the name Charles Edward Cheese. I came back to my room late at night… and there was a note. It was like a letter on my desk. It was addressed to “Mr. Cheese.” So, obviously, I’m gonna assume that whoever wrote this letter must be an intimate friend. This is not some kind of name that a person would just guess. But then I open the letter, and it turns out I don’t know this person at all. It’s a fan letter. I’m not even used to the idea that I have fans, but I’m grateful for it. And… And even though I’m grateful for fans, I… I don’t read those letters. Be nice if I did, but realistically, it’s like, “What am I, Santa Claus, n i g g a? I don’t have time for this. Got shit I wanna do. I’m trying to chill.” Read all these dreams and wishes from strangers. But then– But I read it. I’d already opened it, so I just read the whole letter. And you know what, man? Whoever wrote this letter truly loves me. I mean, they were really fucking nice in the letter. And then they described to me what it was like to come to the show. How excited they were and how much fun they were having. And then they said… that when I got to my jokes about transgenders… that they were quote, “devastated.” ‘Cause turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender. I’m gonna be real for a second. As a policy, you gotta understand, I never feel bad about anything I say up here. And I would never admit this to you if I hadn’t locked your phones up. But it was the weirdest thing, like when I read this letter… the shit made me feel bad. I didn’t feel bad about what I said, you understand. I felt bad that I made somebody else feel bad. To be honest, I don’t even know what I said that upset that person. I have so many transgender jokes. [laughs] But I feel like… I feel like it was probably… this joke I’m about to tell you right now. Sorry. And it’s not even that bad of a joke. It’s a true joke. I mean, it’s not true, but I– I had read in the paper that Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of Sports Illustrated. And I know it’s not politically correct to say these things, so I just figured, “”Fuck it, I’ll say it for everybody else. Yuck.” You know, sometimes, I just want to read some stats. I don’t know why you gonna cram some man pussy in the middle of the sports page lines. I just didn’t think that was the place for it. But I wasn’t saying anything like Caitlyn Jenner’s a bad person. I’m not mad at her. I’m not even mad at Sports Illustrated. If I’m mad at somebody… I’m probably just mad at myself. You understand? ‘Cause deep down, I know that I am not strong enough… to not look at those pictures. And I don’t think I’m ready to see what she’s trying to show. So, Caitlyn… goddamn it, if you go through with this thing… bitch, you better go hard or go home. I want you to go all the way. Hustler style. Do you know what Hustler style means, miss? That means spread the lips… I hope she spreads the lips and there’s an itty-bitty dick inside. The show is behind the curtains. I don’t know what I said that upset that person. But I’m gonna tell you something. When I read that letter… in the moments after I read it, I did something that many black men in America do not have the time or the money to do. I thought about how I felt. Asked myself a very basic question that I don’t think I ever directly contemplated. I said, “Man, Dave, if you’re writing all these jokes, do you have a problem with transgender people?” And the answer is absolutely not. The fuck you guys think I am? I don’t understand all the choices that people make. But I do understand that life is hard, and that those types of choices do not disqualify you from a life with dignity and happiness and safety in it. But if I’m honest… my problem has never been with transgender people. My problem has always been with the dialogue about transgender people. I just feel like these things should not be discussed in front of the blacks. It’s fucking insulting, all this talk about how these people feel inside. Since when has America given a fuck how any of us feel inside? And I cannot shake this awful suspicion that the only reason everybody is talking about transgenders is because white men want to do it. That’s right. I just said that. If it was just women that felt that way or black dudes and Mexican dudes being like, “Hey, ya’ll, we feel like girls inside.” They’d be like, “Shut up, n i g g e r. No one asked you how you felt. Come on, everybody, we have strawberries to pick.” It reeks of white privilege. You never asked yourself why it was easier for Bruce Jenner to change his gender than it was for Cassius Clay to change his fucking name? And if I were to be brutally honest… [man] Go, Dave. …the only reason I ever have been mad at the transgender community, is because I was at a club in LA and danced with one of these n i g g a s for six songs straight. I had no idea. Then the lights came up and I saw them knuckles. I said, “Oh, no!” And everybody was laughing at me. WorldStar. I said, “Why didn’t you say anything?” Then I heard that sultry voice. “I didn’t say anything, Dave Chappelle, because I was having a wonderful time. And I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it.” I said, “You knew how I’d feel.” And she said, “I’m going home. I don’t want any trouble from you.” I said, “Home? It’s only two songs left. I mean, we might as well… finish the night.” And we ended up having breakfast together. Oh, grow up. That doesn’t make me gay. I just titty-fuck them. Those titties are as real as any titties in LA. It was two o’clock in the morning. I was just borrowing a little friction from a stranger. Whoops! It’s the madness of youth. It’s the types of mistakes a man makes when he’s young. I wouldn’t even know that it’s necessarily a mistake. It was a wild night out. But I don’t do it like that anymore. I’m old. I’m 44 now. Right. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever started to physically feel my age. You can– It’s tough, man. You know how I know I’m getting old? This is embarrassing, but… I was in my hotel room. I was– I’m not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old. I just gave up in the middle like nothing even happened. I don’t like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It’s old. An old-looking dick. It’s got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the ’90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, “Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around. Jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out.” I see my age in my children. I came home from the road, this is not long ago. I’d been gone for– If you picture, I was gone for weeks and weeks, and when I came back, nobody was home. Not one person in my family thought that maybe I’d like to see them when I got back. They knew when I was coming back, but they just weren’t… They just weren’t home. And that shit was a wake-up call. You know, like, when my kids were little, and the tour bus would pull up to the house, these motherfuckers would spill out. “Dad is home. Hooray!” And they’d hug me and kiss me. And then, as the years went on, they’d get less interested. “Hey, everybody, look, it’s Mr. Promises back from the road.” But an empty house, that’s… That’s some cold shit. I went into my oldest son’s room. I was like, “Hello? Hello?” He was gone. I’d never done this to him before, but for some reason, I just did it. I just… I just looked through his shit. Just to see who this motherfucker was becoming. I found these notebooks, and I started going through the notebooks, and it was all this wonderful poetry in them. It was his handwriting. I didn’t even know this n i g g a wrote poems. Then I look through his drawers, and I open up his middle drawer… and I found this rolling paper. And I looked down at them papers, like, “Oh… that’s where that poetry is coming from.” And that shit broke my heart. I mean, I smoke weed, but I mourned my son’s innocence. And I cried a little bit… and I took his papers upstairs in my room. Rolled some weed that I’d hid from the family. And I got really high. And then I got paranoid… so I put his papers back how I found them… so he wouldn’t know what I was up to. This n i g g a won’t even know that that happened till he sees this special. Yeah, n i g g a, I found your papers. He’s a cold motherfucker. This kid is only 16 years old. Listen to what he did to me. This motherfucker calls me up… in the middle of the night. It was one o’clock in the morning. He goes, “Dad, don’t be mad.” I knew something was terribly wrong. I said, “What’s going on?” He said, “Listen, I’m fine. And don’t forget you told me to do this. I’m at a party, and my designated driver had too much to drink. Me and my friends need you to come pick us up.” I said, “Jesus Christ. It’s one o’clock in the morning, n i g g a. I am shitfaced.” But then I figured fuck, it’s better me than some kid. I might as well roll the dice and go pick my n i g g a up. I said, “All right, I’m coming to get you. Give me the address and I’ll be right there.” And then he gave me the address, and I was shocked. I said, “Son, you are not gonna believe this, but… I’m at the same party, n i g g a.” They grow up fast, don’t they? Can I ask you a weird question? I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to answer it, and if it doesn’t go well, we’ll just edit it out anyway. Is it weird to be the only white people in a row? I mean, you can be honest. Does it feel strange? Are you worried at all? Give me your money, motherfucker. I’m just fucking with you. This guy’s got ice in his veins. He didn’t even buckle. You know, like many black men my age, the first time I voted was eight years ago. That’s right. I saw Obama on TBS, said, “I’m voting for this n i g g a.” I remember the day I voted for Obama. I voted in Ohio. And my vote matters in Ohio. Ohio is a battleground state. But when I pulled up to the polls, all of the soldiers were in line. There were so many black people in that goddamn line, I didn’t even know it was the polls. I thought it was the check-cashing place. We were hugging each other , and old people were singing hymns and spirituals and shit. It was like the OJ verdict times ten or some shit. I’ve never seen black people that happy. Eight years later, I’m pulling up to the polls again. This time, I’m driving a brand-new Porsche. Because the Obama years were very good to me. I was early voting… and when I parked my car, I figured out something that it would take the rest of the country another week to figure out. I understood that Donald Trump was gonna be our next president. Because in Ohio, unlike DC, you could see the results in the parking lot. All these goddamn pickup trucks and tractors and shit. And then I walked up, and I saw a long, long line… of dusty white people. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these were the poor whites. I must tell you, I’ve never had a problem with white people ever in my life, but full disclosure… the poor whites are my least favorites. We’ve got a lot of trouble out of them. And I’ve never seen so many of them up close. I looked them right in their coal-smeared faces. And to my surprise… you know what I didn’t see? I didn’t see one deplorable face in that group. Saw some angry faces and some determined faces, but they felt like decent folk. No, they did. In fact, I’m not even lying, and not to sound fucked up, but I felt sorry for them. I know the game there. I know that rich white people call poor white people trash. And the only reason I know that is because I made so much money last year, the rich whites told me they say it at a cocktail party. And I’m not with that shit. I stood with them in line, like all of us Americans are required to do in a democracy, nobody skips the line to vote, and I listened to them. I listened to them say naive poor white people things. “Man, Donald Trump’s gonna go to Washington, and he’s gonna fight for us.” I’m standing there thinking in my mind, “You dumb motherfucker. You are poor. He’s fighting for me.” And they all looked at me. They could tell who I was voting for, just as easily as I could tell who they were voting for. But do you guys know what we all had in common? Not one of us, not a single one of us, looked like we felt good about what we had to do in that booth. We were just doing our goddamn duty. Yes, I voted for Hillary Clinton, of course I did. I voted for her because I liked what she said vastly better than I liked what he said. To be honest with you, at that point, that shit was like watching Darth Vader do the “I Have a Dream” speech. That bitch is mean as hell. She’d already Karate Kid swept Bernie Sanders legs from underneath him. Boy, it was hard voting for that shit. But it was the lesser of the evils. I know you were a Clinton supporter, miss. I am sorry to say like that. It didn’t feel bad voting for her, but it didn’t feel as good as it should’ve. She was gonna be our first woman president. They were gonna make coins out of this bitch. And somehow, she just missed the dunk. Of course she should’ve beat him. You know what voting for her felt like? It was bittersweet. It felt like I was lucky enough to eat Halle Berry’s pussy. And whilst I was doing so, she fucking farted in my face, man. Now you understand, I’d still do it. But, boy, I wish she didn’t fart in this great nation’s face. I voted that day, and then that same day I flew to New York City. I had work. That night, I was in a comedy club in New York, and I said to an audience almost exactly what I just said to you. And I didn’t know that there was a journalist in the room. And this journalist wrote an article. The headline of the article said, “Dave Chappelle is an avid Donald Trump supporter.” Yeah. I had no idea the paper said that. You know how I found out? My wife called me from Ohio the next morning in a goddamn panic. “David. David, what the fuck… is going on in New York?” I said, “I’ve been good, but what have you heard?” My wife said, “The paper is saying that you’re a Donald Trump supporter.” I was like… [sighs] I said, “Don’t worry about that shit, baby. Nobody in their right mind would believe that.” And she said, “No, David, people believe it.” And then she started reading the comments to me. Oh, they were terrible. All these black people calling me all kinds of Uncle Toms and shit. I should tell you, this is a very serious allegation from one black to another. I was incensed. Uncle Tom? How am I Uncle Tom, n i g g a? You the one that reads the Observer. Anyway, all this shit goes down. And Saturday night rolls around, and now Trump is the president, and I’m hosting Saturday Night Live. And I didn’t really prepare my monologue. I just kind of winged it. At the end of the monologue, I don’t even remember what I said. I said something like, “Fuck it. We’re historically disenfranchised, and we’re gonna give him–” Something about, “We’re gonna give him a chance if he gives us a chance.” I don’t know what I said, but whatever I said, I really wish I didn’t say that shit. It was not worth the trouble. Walking to the barbershop and all them black people be looking at me like, “Yo, Dave, what’s up with your boy?” Yo, n i g g a, yo! He’s not my boy. ‘Cause I don’t care if you’re Republican or Democrat, if you support him or not, any objective person is gonna have to admit that this motherfucker is having a terrible go of it. He really is. We’ve had presidents before that have done bad jobs, but this shit is worse than a bad job. It’s scary to watch. Holy shit. It’s like seeing a crack pipe in your Uber driver’s passenger seat. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Yo, he is lunching, n i g g a. I watched… I watched Donald Trump in a press conference. And this motherfucker had all the media gathered, and this n i g g a literally, literally asked the media to their face to stop finding shit out. I was like, “Yo. Yo, this motherfucker is bugging.” And then… I’m not even making this up. His lips started sweating. His lips. Have you ever seen a motherfucker’s lips sweat? What the fuck is wrong with this n i g g a’s lips? It’s like if you’re on a plane, right? You ever been on a plane… I get scared to fly. I do it all the time. I’ll be scared on there. And sometimes a plane will hit turbulence. And then I get nervous, but I always look at the flight attendant, and she looks calm, and it makes me feel calm. But if that bitch’s lips were sweating? It’s terrifying. Like, “Yo, n i g g a, why are your lips sweating? What do you know?” And then… I’m not making this up. This motherfucker grabbed the podium, he goes, “You don’t know how scary the things I read in my briefings are.” And I was like, “Holy shit, man. You ain’t supposed to tell us that, bro.” That’s bad leadership. As a parent, you think I’m gonna sit my kids down, “Hey, little man, come here real quick. I’m gonna holler at you for a second. Yo… I’m three months behind on the rent, n i g g a, and I am worried. Very worried. Go on, go to school and have a productive day. I was just thinking out loud. Getting some shit off my chest.” I’m like, “What the fuck are you doing, bro?” This is bad, man. Jesus Christ. All this motherfucker’s ideas sound like “high people” ideas. He doesn’t think these things through before he tells us. He tells us what he’s thinking as soon as it occurs to him. That shit sounds nuts. “I’m gonna go to China, and I’m gonna get those jobs from China and bring them back here to America.” For what, n i g g a? So iPhones can be $9,000? Leave that job in China where it belongs. None of us want to work that hard. What the fuck is he thinking? I want to wear Nikes. I don’t want to make them shits. What the fuck are you doing? Stop trying to give us Chinese jobs. “I am going to bring back coal.” Coal?! I’m not even exaggerating… I have never in my life even seen a fucking lump of coal. I honestly don’t even know what coal is for. If you gonna have motherfuckers digging in the dirt looking for shit, find me some truffles, n i g g a. That’s what I’m about. At least truffle prices are getting out of control. If it gets any worse, I’m gonna be back down to regular butter like everybody else. Terrible, terrible job. This motherfucker hit North Korea with rap battle threats. “Fire and Fury.” Like, “Yo! Yo, what you doing?” This is fucking Korea, man. Kim Jong-un is a scary motherfucker. He might be as crazy as Trump. Some scary shit. And if you one of them naive motherfuckers that thinks that a war with Korea is gonna be easy, then you don’t play Call of Duty at three a.m. like I do. ‘Cause that’s when the Koreans play. Fucking eight-year-old Korean kid took out my whole goddamn platoon last night. I’ve never seen somebody in an office so high with the most just basic fucking solutions. Like, you know… “We should not let any more Muslims in the country till we can figure out what’s going on.” Did he just say, “Figure out what’s going on”? Who doesn’t know how to do basic math? Let’s count it out, okay? It’s been 17 mass shootings in the United States. Four of them were done by Muslims. None of those four Muslims were from any of the seven countries in your stupid-ass original ban. And since he brought it up, the other 13 shootings were done by the tiki-torch whites. These are facts. You don’t see me trying to ban white people from the show to keep the rest of the audience safe. It’s a fucking terrible idea, because it’s mean and it’s racist. And most importantly… it would be catastrophic to my bottom line. If there were no white people here tonight, I might leave this bitch with $1,800. This man needs to realize that we all need each other. And that’s why we will never, ever be able to beat China. Because everybody in America is racist, and everybody in China is Chinese. This motherfucker called it all wrong. And don’t believe the media either, ’cause as all this shit is happening, the media is trying to make us believe that the extremities amongst us are the norms. We can disagree, that’s fine. And most of us are keeping a cool head about this shit. You know what I mean? Americans generally respect one another’s beliefs, even if they don’t share those beliefs. I know I do. I respect everybody’s beliefs, except Amish people. ‘Cause they are the only ones that I can say clearly, “Their God is wrong.” Speed limit is 75 miles an hour in Ohio, and one lane of traffic is blocked by a goddamn horse and buggy. N i g g a, your God is ridiculous. All the Amish people around my way know me, too. Not from television, obviously. They know me from the streets. ‘Cause when I see them horse and buggies, I pull the Porsche over and talk to ’em. [imitates brakes screeching] “Ezekiel. Ezekiel, are you sure that God doesn’t want you to have any of this technology or this energy? Huh? Hmm? Huh? I can’t hear you. Let me turn this air conditioner off. What did you say?” And them n i g g a s be like, “Get away from me, ye. Ye tried to tempt me like the devil.” “Devil? Nah, bro. I’m trying to put you onto the game, Zeke. It’s a big world out here, n i g g a. I just went 25 miles in 30 minutes. That’s a day’s journey for you. You don’t even know what the weather’s gonna be tomorrow, do you? I do. You don’t even know that there’s a valuable Pokémon on your shoulder. [imitates game beep] Ta-ta.” And then I drive away. -[men and women shouting] -Huh? -Oh, my vape pen? -[man] Yeah, I want to hit it. You want to hit my vape pen? Oh, sorry, n i g g a, I’m trying not to get herpes. My bad. I’ve been playing cat-and-mouse with herpes for 30 years now, but… Every night, I go to the club, I be like, “Not tonight, herpes.” No disrespect. I’m not saying you have herpes. I’m just saying one out of five people do, so let’s just… Let’s just all be careful around this motherfucker and make sure that… we leave with the lips we came with. Sometimes I think that the media is hard on Trump. ‘Cause I’ll see shit that they get on him about that doesn’t seem bad to me. N i g g a got into trouble about not staying in the White House enough. Who gives a fuck? This motherfucker was rich. He used to shit in a gold toilet. It’s true. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the White House. It looks like a very nice place to work, but… I wouldn’t want to live in that Scooby-Doo-ass house either. That shit is… terrifying looking. Imagine you trying to jerk off in the crib, and Abraham Lincoln’s just looking at you like… Shit, Bush didn’t stay there, either. He was rich, too. He was like, “Fuck that. I’m going to my ranch in Texas.” Obama was the first motherfucker to move into the White House like, “This is a nice place. Look at this rug.” The media got on him about putting Jared Kushner in his cabinet, and I didn’t think that that was the worst thing he’d done. I mean, it was still early. It’s not unprecedented. Kennedy had his brother as attorney general, right? This motherfucker’s a Washington outsider. To be honest with you, I’d probably do the same thing. As a matter of fact, I do. You think I go to a Hollywood meeting with all them white folks by myself? I bring my n i g g a Mac Mittens from the streets. I don’t even know his real name. Everybody just calls him Mac Mittens. But I know he’s not qualified to even listen to these meetings, but this motherfucker just makes me feel good. And all the white people look at me like, “Dave, do you mind asking your friend Mac Mittens to excuse us so we can talk business?” And I say, “Fuck that. Anything you say to me, Mac Mittens can hear that shit.” And he listened to the whole meeting. When they done talking, I just look over to Mac Mittens, and if he gives me the signal… “Meow-meow!” I’ll sign the papers. It’s a gut check. Or how about this one? Remember when it was the day after the election, and the president of Taiwan called Donald Trump to congratulate him? And Donald Trump, of course, took the call and talked to the president of Taiwan. The problem with that was… Taiwan doesn’t have a president. The United States functions on what they call “a one China policy,” and Taiwan is a renegade province of said China. And Donald Trump didn’t know that, and picked up the phone and started yammering away, and… the media ate his ass up. And I’m not gonna lie, I was laughing, I was like, “Oh, shit. This dumb motherfucker is in trouble.” And then that night, I was in bed drifting off to sleep, and then, I had to admit it to myself. I was like… “I didn’t know that shit, either.” And then I realized the media got the story wrong. The story wasn’t that Donald Trump took the call. The biggest story is that nobody told Donald Trump not to take the call. That’s terrifying. Goddamn, n i g g a, you don’t have a Mac Mittens on your team? It wasn’t like they were calling the White House. They were calling the switchboard at Trump Tower, and they were getting through, anybody. “Mr. President, there’s a Rikki-Tikki-Tavi on the phone for you.” “Yes, put him through. Hello. Hello, Rikki-Tikki. Good to talk to you.” “Mr. President, there’s a John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt on the phone.” “His name is my name, too. Put him through. Hello. Hello, John Jacob. Let’s talk business.” How many people in this room are not originally from the United States? -Round of applause. -[applauding] Where are you from, bro? You right there. [man] Iraq. You’re from Iraq? Ewww! I’m just fucking around. How long you been here in the country? [man] Twenty-three years. Twenty-three years? Are you a citizen yet? You are? Congratulations, n i g g a. Congratulations. Well, welcome to this great land. You know, I’m gonna give you a history lesson, ’cause I’m sure this wasn’t on your entry exam. But every naturalized American has heard something about what I’m about to tell you. Picture, it’s the early ’50s in the United States. This 14-year-old boy goes down… from Chicago to Mississippi to meet his extended family for the first time. He’d never been to Mississippi. And before he went, his mother said to him, very pointedly, she said, “If a white man looks you in your eyes in Mississippi, look away.” And I don’t know what you know about black people from Chicago, but they’re not a scared people. Legend has it, he was in front of a convenience store, hanging out with his cousins, having a good time, and a white woman walked out of the store, and he thought she was pretty, and he said… [wolf whistles] “Bye, baby.” Not realizing that he had just made a fatal mistake. Four days later… Four days later, a group of adult white men burst into this family’s home and snatched a 14-year-old boy out of bed, in front of his family that was powerless to stop them, and he was never seen alive again. His name was Emmett Till. They found his body maybe a few days later. It was in a creek, tied to a wheel so it would sink, horribly beaten and bloated. Hideous. And lucky for everybody in America… his mother was a fucking gangster. She was. If you can imagine , in the very midst of a mother’s worst nightmare, this woman had the foresight to think about everybody. She said, “Leave my son’s casket open.” She said, “The world needs to see what they did to my baby.” And every publication here in the United States, from Jet magazine all the way to the New York Times, had this boy’s horribly bloated body on its cover. And if our Civil Rights Movement was a car, this boy’s dead body was premium gas. This was a very definitive moment in American history, where every thinking and feeling person was like… “Yuck! We gotta do better than this.” And they fought beautifully, and here we all are. And the reason that I bring that up tonight and why it’s relevant now, is because less than a year ago, the woman that he allegedly whistled at… admitted on her deathbed… that she lied in her court testimony. And you can imagine, when we read that shit, we was like, “Ooh! You lying-ass, bitch.” Was furious. That was my initial reaction. And initial reactions, we all learned as we get older, are often wrong or more often incomplete. They call this phenomenon “standing too close to an elephant.” The analogy being that if you stand too close to an elephant, you can’t see the elephant. All you see is its penis-like skin. You gotta step back and give it a better look. And on stepping back and thinking about it for a few moments, I realized that it must have been very difficult for this woman to tell a truth that heinous about herself at any point in her life. Even the very end. And I was grateful that she had the courage to tell it before she left this world. Because it’s an important truth and we needed to know. And I said to myself, “Well, thank you for telling the truth… you lying-ass bitch.” [audience cheering] And then time goes on, and then after time, you can kind of see the whole elephant. And it’s humbling. ‘Cause you realize that this woman lied and that lie caused a murder. But that murder set in motion a sequence of events that made my wonderful life possible. That made this very night possible. How could this be that this lie could make the world a better place? It’s maddening. And that’s how I feel about this president. I feel like this motherfucker might be the lie that saves us all. Because I have never felt more American than when we all hate on this motherfucker together. Jesus Christ. It’s good. And when it happens, I can see everybody that’s stuggling. So if I’m on stage and I tell a joke that makes you want to beat up a transgender, then you’re probably a piece of shit and don’t come see me anymore. Or if you don’t understand that when a football player takes a knee during the national anthem, he’s actually standing up for me, then you might not want to fuck with me anymore. ‘Cause I swear no matter how bad it gets, you’re my countrymen, and I know for a fact that I’m determined to work shit out with y’all. And if that woman that said that heinous lie was alive today, I would thank her for lying. And then I would kick her in the pussy. Thank you very much, Washington, DC. God bless you and good night. [cheering] [“Reaching Through the Darkness” playing] ♪ Reaching through the darkness… ♪ [crowd continuing cheering] ♪ Just like Him Breaking through the darkness ♪ [man rapping] ♪ Hey, yo, Material All right, could dry the tears ♪ ♪ Of a thousand peers For a thousand years ♪ ♪ And a thousand cheers Born to erase my fears ♪ ♪ I’m better off living life Where Jesus is ♪ ♪ Not an atheist But them Christian kids ♪ ♪ A little too judgmental About my sins ♪ ♪ And I aim to win But I miss the mark ♪ ♪ Paul, Peter and Joseph Will now depart ♪ ♪ But I follow my heart Without any disguise ♪ ♪ Blood dripping from my sleeve ‘Cause my heart don’t see ♪ ♪ That intentions are public With smiles and positivity ♪ ♪ Behind a fake is a snake That could murder me, murder! ♪ ♪ Life’s filled With things you never heard-a ♪ ♪ Been trying to get in Since n i g g a s was really word up ♪ ♪ Struggles that I’ve been through Make the average man curl up ♪ ♪ Godson, “Coming, Grandma” Saying, “Hurry up!” ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪ [vocalizing] [woman] ♪ Reaching out for dreams Just like me ♪ ♪ Reaching through the darkness ♪ ♪ Glorious as a daybreak is ♪ ♪ Just like Him Ringing through the darkness ♪ [man rapping] ♪ Hey, yo Scriptures I spit ♪ ♪ They be glossy in nature ♪ ♪ Themes that I dream in my mind Might save ya ♪ ♪ I am no savior Seen as an ambassador ♪ ♪ And dance around the bull With a cape like a matador ♪ I’m rich, biatch! [audience cheering]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: The Bird Revelation (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-the-bird-revelation-2017-full-transcript/

Recorded at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles in November 2017 [Dave Chappelle] Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean. You know what I mean? It’s a tough position to be in. So I say a lot of mean things, but you guys got to remember. I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s funny. [audience laughing] And everything’s funny till it happens to you. [laughing] [“Revelations” playing] [man rapping] ♪ Revelation ♪ [girl echoing] Don’t stop. Keep on… – [man] ♪ Sunshine ♪ ♪ Ecstatic ♪ ♪ Flaco ♪ [woman] ♪ Boogieman ♪ [man] ♪ I’m standing in the sun Getting black as I want ♪ ♪ You playing good D And that ain’t backing me up ♪ ♪ Sky woke a baby Ain’t no jackin’ my hem ♪ ♪ I got a whole lot to say So I ain’t talking to them ♪ ♪ I hear knees dropping I turn it up louder ♪ ♪ Black freedom, black genius Black power ♪ ♪ Black ink For printing the black dollar ♪ ♪ Until I CIA ♪ ♪ I say, “Now what?” ♪ Phew. Well, it’s the last show. Here we are. Los Angeles. The world capital of… rape and dick breath. [laughing] The fuck has been going on out here? [laughing] Keeps getting worse. Just when you think it can’t get worse, they got Charlie Rose today. [laughing] It’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. [laughing] Charlie Rose. Who’s next? Captain Kangaroo? [laughing] Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I’ve been in show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. [laughing] It’s really some scary shit. I gotta tell you. Harvey Weinstein‘s probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, “Yeah, he rapes.” [laughing] I’m not sure this motherfucker has a choice. Not a handsome man. A lot of meat and extra skin on his face. Yeah, he’s ugly. You know, the sad part is he’s done so well in life, he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly. You know, when you’re good-looking, everybody will tell you. “Oh, you look wonderful, you’re so great looking.” But when you’re ugly. You gotta figure that shit out for yourself. [laughing] It’s a lot of putting clues together, really is. “Why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right shit on.” [laughing] If it was Brad Pitt doing that shit, you wouldn’t have heard a peep. Girl would’ve just come back down like, “I got the part.” [laughing] [applause] Yuck! [man] Good one. Yet, and yet, it is important that I acknowledge ladies. You are absolutely right. There you go. And we gotta all be mindful of that, guys, because… this could have happened to any of us. It could of happened to me. I can see that. I see myself showing up, “Hi, I’m here for my three a.m. with Mr. Weinstein.” [laughing] “Hey, Harvey, I got your text. I’m here to talk about the script.” [laughing] “Seems like it’s going to be hard to read in candlelight, but I guess I could try.” [laughing] Sound like a fucking nightmare. Could you imagine that shit? Could you imagine you was in a business meeting and a motherfucker pulled their dick out? [laughing] In the middle of the meeting? I’d be like, “Yo! Yo, my man, that is the most unprofessional shit I’ve ever seen. In all my days.” [grunting] [laughing] “Just let me finish, Dave Chappelle.” [laughing] [grunts] “I’ll put you in all three Lord of the Rings. ” [laughing] [applause] [chuckles] “Hurry up, n i g g a. I have other meetings, you know.” [laughing] “I have a 4:30 a.m. at Brett Ratner’s house, and uh…” [laughing] [chuckles] “I believe it’s a wardrobe fitting.” [laughing] [laughs] Wow. I mean, it is really bad out here, isn’t it? Kevin Spacey is out here, grabbing men by the pussy. [laughing] I didn’t even know that was possible. Jesus Christ. He got the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. That’s who he– that’s who he got. The last time. It sounded like he was more than that, but… that’s who– that’s who set it off. He was 14-years-old. And Kevin Spacey accosted him at a party, which I gotta say, by the way, just for the record, I went to a lot of parties in my day. Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it. [laughing] Not even when I was 13, you know what I mean. [laughing] Who was the kicker with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing n i g g a s like… [chewing] “I’m having a good time, n i g g a.” [chewing] [chuckles] Yuck. Ironically, the kid grew up to be gay anyway. Which means… Kevin Spacey can sniff that shit out like a truffle pig. [sniffs] “Yeah, he’s one of me.” And not to victim blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into. [laughs] I know I didn’t say that right, but it’s true, n i g g a, like… You know why I said that though? ‘Cause I went to an arts high school. And, like, all them n i g g a s was gay, man. Like, in a high school, all them dudes was gay. And them gay dudes is way more mature than the rest of us. And we didn’t know why, we just knew they was mature. Ever seen a gay dude at lunch? Perfect posture, they just sitting there. [laughing] Eating responsibly. Then they take that thermos out. You be like, “What the fuck is that?” [laughing] “Is this n i g g a drinking wine with lunch? ” [laughing] We didn’t know what it was. Because we were young boys just trying to figure out who we were. And we didn’t realize these gay dudes were fighting to be who they knew they already were. Some impressive shit. They were fearless, the gay kids. Fucking fearless. I’ve never seen a scared gay dude in my life. What kind of man has no fear? You could be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude, and them n i g g a s still be like, “I’m thirsty.” “Shh. Shh!” [laughing] “I’m thirsty, David. I need something to drink.” “Shh.” [laughing] “Well, then shoot me. I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration. N i g g a, I am thirsty. I need some water.” [laughing] All jokes aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn’t have done that shit to that kid. He was 14-years-old and was forced to carry a grown man’s secret. For 30 years. Jesus Christ, he must have been busting at the seams with that one. The saddest part is, if he were able to carry that secret for six more months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends. [laughing] Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark… [laughing] dark, dark times. New York Times said that Louis CK jizzed on his own stomach. [laughing] [chuckles] Now, I’ve busted a lot of nuts in my day. None of them were newsworthy. [laughing] [chuckles] Shit was really gross. ‘Cause they didn’t just say it like I said it. They didn’t just say, “Jizz on the stomach.” They said it in that fucking Pulitzer prize-winning style that the New York Times has. It was very descriptive, like, you know what I mean? “Louis CK’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny , slowly drizzling down like lava , covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair.” [laughing] Like, Jesus Christ, I’m trying to eat some huevos rancheros,  and this n i g g a is… [laughing] [laughs] And you know the tough part of being a comedian is knowing the motherfuckers. Everybody comes up to me like, “Did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing?” “No, bitch. I did not know.” [laughing] The fuck you think we talk about at the comedy club? “Hey, how was the weekend?” “Great, man. I was just jerking off in faces and cumming on my own stomach, having a good time. You know how this business is.” [laughing] No, I didn’t know. They act like we sit around like Grease. ♪ Tell me more, tell me more Did she put up a fight? ♪ [hums melody] [laughing] [chuckles] Sorry, I don’t know the choreography, but you get the point. You get the point. [chuckles] Shit was intense. [laughing] But Louis was like the turning point. I mean, you know, all these allegations are terrible. Louis’s was the only– I shouldn’t say this but fuck it, his allegation was the only one that made me like laugh. [laughing] Well, if you think about it… [laughing] Because all his friends are reading it and he’s jerking off and he’s surprising people. He’s surprising them, he’s jerking off. [laughing] I just picture all the comics in comedy just reading that like, “What?” [laughing] It’s terrible. I know, it’s terrible. I’m sorry, ladies. You’re right. You are right. But at the same time, I mean, you know what I mean. I don’t know. Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis. That was like… I don’t know, it might be disproportionate. I can’t tell. I can’t tell. This is like where it’s hard to be a man. One lady said, “Louis CK masturbated in front of me, ruined my comedy dreams.” Word? [laughing] Well, then I dare say, Madam, you may have never had a dream. [laughing] Come on, man. That’s a brittle spirit. [laughing] That is a brittle-ass spirit. That shit is too much. This is a grown-ass woman. You know what this shit is like? It’s like COINTELPRO. You know what that is? It’s the programming the FBI had on J. Edgar Hoover. In this program, one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state. It’s a loop button. That’s why they’ve got all these fucking sex tapes with Martin Luther King fucking bitches. But lucky for us, he actually had a dream. -[laughing] -[applause] You think if Louis CK jerked off in front of Dr. King, he’d be like, “I can’t continue this movement. [laughing] I’m sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped. I didn’t know this n i g g a was going to pull this dick out and jerk off like this. I just thought we were gonna get a couple drinks and chill.” [laughing] [chuckles] Show business is just harder than that. Them women sounding like… I hate to say it, y’all, they sound weak. I know it sounds fucked up. I’m not supposed to say that, but one of these ladies was like, “Louis CK was masturbating while I was on the phone with him.” Bitch, you don’t know how to hang up a phone? [laughing] How the fuck are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, man. I’m just saying, I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are. Don’t forget who I am. Don’t forget what I am. I am a black dude. And don’t ever forget how I got here. My ancestors were kidnapped. I don’t even know where the fuck I’m from. They were put on the bottom of boats. They sailed them across the Atlantic. Many of them died. Only the strongest survived. And once they got here, they beat the humanity out of my people. They turned us into beasts of burdens. They made us do their work, and the irony is, hundreds of years later they’re calling us lazy. We fought in the Civil War. We damn near freed ourselves. Then, with Reconstruction, black people did great. My great-grandfather was a very wealthy man. But then the Black Codes came, Jim Crow came, and it was a hundred years of unspeakable oppression again. Lynchings, all kinds of terroristic acts to keep us in the margins of society. Yet, we still fought. And Dr. King was born. And then, things got better. Twenty years after Dr. King was assassinated, Michael Jackson was moonwalking on television. Something, something, something. Barack Obama. [laughing] Donald Trump and… Now here we all are. 400-year nightmare. Took us 400 years to figure out as a people that white people’s weakness the whole time was kneeling during the national anthem. [laughing] That’s a brittle spirit. That’s right, n i g g a . ♪ On the rockets red glare… ♪ [screaming] “What are you doing, n i g g a? Stand up!” -[laughing] -[applause] The vice president of the United States got involved. Mike Pence got involved. He went to the game himself. “These n i g g e r s will have to stand when they see me.” And all the football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence. “Is that Mike Pence? Come on, y’all. Wu Tang bow.” [screams] Foiled. [laughing] Brittle spirit. I could kill every white person in America at one time. Know how I’d do it? I would just wait for the Super Bowl. Right when they sang the national anthem, I’d have OJ Simpson walk to the 50-yard line with them bad knees. [laughing] “Is that OJ Simpson on the field? What the hell’s he doing here?” “Oh, I know what he’s gonna do. Stop him!” [laughing] [screams] You gotta man the fuck up, yo. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, because I know you’re upset with what I said. But, you know, I know you’re– I know you’re right. But come on, baby, it’s me. I was right once, remember that? [laughing] Does anybody remember when I was missing from show business for 12 years? Remember when I had this really popular show and I quit? I remember I walked away from $50 million. A lot harder than walking away from Louis’ freckled dick. [laughing] [applause] I didn’t know that I’d ever work again. And yet, here I am tonight. Did my dream die? No. [laughing] I remember that shit. You don’t remember that, when I quit my shit? On the way out the door I said, “Something’s wrong in Hollywood.” I believe they said I smoked crack. That’s what I remember. I remember they called me crazy. So really, you know, you’re right, ladies. Congratulations. Enjoy it. And they’re coming for you, bitches. [laughing] They’re coming for you. [mumbles] One person that’s uncomfortable– Know who’s the most uncomfortable motherfucker in the room? The n i g g a that’s right. I was right at an orgy once. Nobody fucked me. [laughing] I was just walking around like Tom Cruise at the movies, just looking. [laughing] And ruined the whole orgy by accident. It’s easier to ruin an orgy than you think. All you gotta do is wait for it to get kind of quiet and then go, “Eww.” [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] [laughs] And I feel bad. But I just feel like this is all happening for a reason. And, ladies, I want you to win this fight. Ten years ago I might have been scared, but, you know, I got a daughter now. So if you win, she wins. So I’m rooting for you. And I agree with you. At least, ideologically, I do. I don’t know if the– I don’t know if you’re doing it right, but I mean, who am I to say? I don’t think you’re wrong. I just think that… You can’t make a lasting peace this way. You got all the bad guys scared. And that’s good, but the minute they’re not scared anymore, it will get worse than it was before. Fear does not make lasting peace. Ask black people. And that’s what it is. What this city really needs… Without irony, I’ll say this. The cure for LA is in South Africa. You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another. Because the end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t. The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals. They are victims, and the system itself must be tried, but because of how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information , the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did. Tell him how you participated. Because men want to help, they’re just scared. Ben Affleck tried to help. “What happened to these ladies is disgusting.” “Oh, n i g g a, you grabbed a titty in ’95.” “All right, fellas, I’m out.” [laughing] “Fuck that, I ain’t helping.” I just want to help. I want to be a good guy. Like, I can’t even say the word “me too” anymore. A n i g g a was like, “Dave, I’m going to the comedy club.” I was like, “I am also going to the comedy club.” [laughing] And I didn’t even know it was happening, but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks because I can’t watch porn the same. Like, I watch it sometimes, but I can’t– I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles. “Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard rod.” I can’t click on that. Come on, n i g g a. Give me something I can click on. “Dude gets sucked off by a midget.” “Little person!” I say to myself. [laughing] Takes me hours to find one clip. “What the hell is this? Marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with… vaguely homosexual guy whose penis is the same color as mine.” Click. [laughing] [laughs] [whooshing] A lot of black dudes haven’t been getting “me too-ed.” I don’t want to jinx myself. You know why, though? Obviously, black women go through the same thing, right? The reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us. Because they know that no matter how bad we black dudes are, white dudes are very mean. They’re scared to see us get punished. My wife is Asian. She’d tell on me in a goddamn second. [laughing] [laughs] Ain’t no fucking up in the Chappelle household. The wildest shit about it is I live in Trump country. I live amongst the tiki torch whites. Poor white people. And I’m rich. If it’s ever pitchfork time, n i g g a, I’m in a lot of trouble. [laughing] And nobody in my family believes me. I’ve been trying to tell the kids, “We gotta run these drills.” They’re like, “We don’t wanna run your stupid drills.” [laughing] “Too bad, son. You have to. If tiki torch whites come outside, what are you guys supposed to do?” “Come on, Dad.” “What are you guys supposed to do?” “Squint our eyes and stand next to Mom.” “That’s right.” -[laughing] -[applause] “And what are you gonna bring me?” “Your gun and your groundskeeper uniform.” “That’s right.” [laughing] “I’ll go outside and see what they want.” [laughing] It is wild, bro. Where you from, man? Hmm? Where you from? -New York. -You from what, Manhattan? Brooklyn. You are from Brooklyn, aren’t you? You look like you can rob somebody with a hammer. [laughing] Brooklyn n i g g a s rob you with shit they find around the house. [laughing] “I just got stabbed with a toothbrush. This n i g g a must be from Brooklyn.” [laughing] I’m fucking around. Yeah, man. Well, you ladies were right. Be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me. They do. Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear. Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17. I couldn’t even pay my bills. You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up. One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room. They gave me $25,000 in cash. I was probably 18, 19 years old. I was scared. I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning. Never been that terrified in my life. Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want. I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.” Then I thought, “Holy shit. What if I had a pussy on me all the time?” [laughing] That’s what women are dealing with. I’m going to tell you right now. [cheering] It’s real talk. If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, “Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn,” I’d be like, “N i g g a, I can’t accept this.” [laughing] I empathize, man, you know. Everybody gets mad because I say these jokes, but you gotta understand that this is the best time to say them. More now than ever, and I know there’s some comedians in the back. Motherfucker, you have a responsibility to speak recklessly. Otherwise my kids may never know what reckless talk sounds like. The joys of being wrong. I didn’t come here to be right, I just came here to fuck around. It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from. [exhales] I wonder what happened to me. Where did I go for 12 years if I wasn’t raped? [laughing] [laughs] Maybe there’s something else going on. Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it. Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something? You can go to the bathroom, Brooklyn, you don’t need to hear this shit. [laughing] [chuckles] You see that motherfucker right there? He’s under an enormous amount of pressure. He is. Just being big and black with that hairdo, n i g g a, these motherfuckers are a suspect for everything. [laughing] Except white collar crime. [laughing] [laughs] [sighs] Sometimes I want to talk about where I went, but y’all don’t want to know. I was gone for a long time, n i g g a. I was in the upside down. [laughing] Scary being a white dude now, isn’t it? A little bit, no? Well, you’re not going to get “me too-ed.” You know what I mean. It’s funny for a black dude to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us. All my heroes were either murdered by the government or… are registered sex offenders. [laughing] Sad. I know, man. We’ve already been through it. Like Michael Jackson. Remember when they said all that shit? They never proved anything till his dying day. But they said that he did some very heinous things. And one time I watched a documentary about it. They were talking all this shit Michael Jackson allegedly did, and as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home– Neverland Ranch. You’ve ever seen Michael Jackson’s house on television? Um… Well, the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do at that place. [laughing] And I saw the whole thing. Exotic animals and Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds and shit. And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that… I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did. His house didn’t look sexual. It looked like… he was flossing with those motherfuckers. [laughing] Didn’t look like he’s trying to fuck kids, looked like he’s trying to impress ’em. Like, this n i g g a’s Jay-Z for kids. [laughing] He’s just walking through his house. “This is my cotton candy machine. It makes three tons of cotton candy a day. You can have all the cotton candy you want. [laughing] This closet is filled with nothing but custom-made karate slippers. Isn’t that cool? [laughing] Shall I have my monkey bring us more cupcakes? [laughing] Hey, guys, let’s watch a movie. What movie do you want to see? Home Alone? No, don’t touch the DVD player. Macaulay Culkin’s here, he can act it out. Come on, Macaulay. Act out Home Alone for my guest. ” And the kids were like, “Man, you are all right, mister. [laughing] This is fantastic, man. We had you all wrong.” “Hmm? [laughing] All wrong? What? I don’t understand. What do you mean?” “Huh? Oh, well, you know, man. We thought it was gonna be the usual. You were gonna have us come over and give some wine cooler and… you know, suck our dicks.” [laughing] “What? Suck your dicks? Ooh, you faggot ass kids! [laughing] Nobody trying to suck your dick, n i g g a. I was trying to show you a better life. [laughing] Bubbles. Get these kids the fuck out of my house. You’re just like everyone else.” Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism. You know what I mean? We must never forget that R. Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl. [laughing] And he also wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.” [laughing] Same guy, same lifetime. [laughing] If I showed you that video of him peeing on that girl, and scored it to “I Believe I Can Fly,” you’d be torn. ♪ I used to think that I could not go on ♪ You wouldn’t know how to feel. ♪ If I can see it ♪ [laughing] It’s okay, my career ended many years ago. [laughing] Order. [laughing] I know, I’m terrible, I’m terrible. I’m sorry, everybody. I’m sorry. [exhales] Wanna know what happened to me? [audience] Yes. Nah. [laughing] It’s tempting, but I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe at the end. When I run out of things to talk about. Actually, I’m almost there. [laughing] I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not– I just didn’t have a good go of it. I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show. I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t go, “Hey, good luck with your future endeavors.” [laughing] That’s not what happens. It was cold out there. For real, I had to watch it all go down without me. I had to watch all those people do my show. Key & Peele and Amy Schumer and… Mind of Mencia. I’m not gonna say they were doing my show. I’m just saying they were awfully similar. I was mad. People would come up to me on the street, “Yo, n i g g a.” Most people thought I was crazy, but sometimes people come, “Yo, n i g g a, you did the right thing, man. You my hero.” N i g g a, I don’t want to be your hero. I want to be rich. [laughing] Never choose to be a hero, ’cause heroes die uncomfortable deaths. All I wanted to be was Paul Revere. I just needed one heroic moment, you understand? “Paul Revere’s Ride” was only one night. And then 40 years of him being like, “Hey, y’all, remember that time everybody was asleep, and I was up, and the British was coming? Boy, it’s a good thing I was awake, n i g g a, everybody be dead. Psh.” [laughing] That’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for Colin Kaepernick. I do, man. I’m fascinated with him. I want to make sure he never has to play football again. He can if he wants to. I just don’t want to have to. ‘Cause why the fuck not? I know he’s rich and people’d be like, “I’m not giving a GoFundMe to rich dude.” But you should. You should because that motherfucker’s life was going great. He’s so light skinned, he didn’t have to say he was black. [laughing] And yet, he took a knee during that anthem for us. Thought about us when things were going good, when his belly was full, when he was– He didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that, and they took his livelihood away from him. Like, man, that shouldn’t be the way it is. Every fucking person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down. And we watch. Over and over and over again, we watch it. We should pay those motherfuckers for blowing the whistle, because they make our lives better, and we could change the narrative. We could make one motherfucker have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another motherfucker brave enough to do the right thing. And if you did that, the n i g g a s like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t rape for 40 years because a bitch want a stupid ass part. We should take care of each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to be like, “Remember that time he was gonna kill Jesus but then he got all that money?” [laughing] Real talk, man. It’s not a racial thing. It’s about us making our society better. It’s about like even these women that are coming forward, and everyone says they’re brave, and many of them are. And a few of them– a few of them sucked the dick and got buyer’s remorse. [laughing] You know, that’s a huge omission from this narrative. This wouldn’t have gone this far if some women weren’t willing to do it. You can’t ask every woman to hold the line. Some women can carry things heavier than others. So we should fight for one another. We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger. And then we can beat the thing. If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact. You have to have men on your side. And I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna have a lot of imperfect allies. I’ll tell you what happened, but I can’t say it directly. There’s a book to me that encapsulates my entire experience. Before I left the show. And the book is called Pimp. It’s written by a guy named Iceberg Slim. Yeah, bring it up here. This is Matthew. Matthew’s from France. He’s white. And yet, he has an original copy of this book written by a black American who was a pimp in the ’40s. Iceberg Slim. His real name was Robert Beck. He got the name Iceberg because he was in a bar in Chicago, and there was a shootout in the bar, and a bullet went through this n i g g a’s hat, and he still finished his drink. Pimps love shit like that. They said, “Man, you’re ice cold.” And he said, “I like that.” And it stuck. This book is so heavy in the front and has a glossary of pimp terms, because the ideas are so foreign to the American ears. For instance, do you know what the phrase “mileage on a ho” means? [laughing] Of course you don’t. Mileage on a ho is a very wild concept. It means that pimps understand there’s a finite amount of bad shit a person can do before they lose their fucking mind. And a good pimp can look at a woman that he’s never seen before and call it. She’s good for 500 fucks. That’s her mileage. Anything over that, that bitch is gonna spill. They do it to you. Why the fuck you think most of us work from nine to five? ‘Cause nine to six might kill a bitch. [laughing] Iceberg Slim was the one that broke down what a bottom bitch was. Does anyone know what a bottom bitch is? Anyone? What’s a bottom bitch, sir? It’s your, uh– it’s your prostitute that’s the best out of all of ’em, that bring in the most money. That’s right. That’s exactly right. Are you black? [laughing] That’s right. A bottom bitch is a pimp’s number one ho. She’s even a bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. I will repeat. She’s even the bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line. If the pimp was McDonald’s, then the bottom bitch is his French fries. [laughing] The rest of them bitches like fish sandwiches and cherry pies and shit like that. [laughing] Iceberg Slim breaks down some of the coldest capitalist concepts I’ve ever heard in my life. He describes in detail how these men break women so that they will give them the money that they make with their own bodies. There’s a story in here so cold, it makes me shudder to think about it. Iceberg Slim is trying to control the woman that he finds uncontrollable. So he asks an older pimp how he can rein her in. And the older pimp says, “Oh, that’s easy, Iceberg. All you have to do is beat that bitch with a coat hanger. And then run her a bath. And give her some pills. She’ll be so grateful that you fixed her, that she’ll forget you were the motherfucker that beat her in the first place.” That’s some cold shit. Now. At the end of this book, Iceberg Slim tells a story. It’s kind of the crescendo of the book. And in the story, Iceberg Slim’s bottom bitch is at the end of her mileage. If she was good for 500 fucks, she was at for 498. [laughing] She was bubbling, you could see it. She was going crazy. She started saying all kinds of shit. “I always wanted to be in the circus.” Circus? This bitch is losing it. [laughing] “I can juggle, too, you know?” Juggle? [laughing] He had to let her go. It was hard to let a bottom bitch go, and he wasn’t ready to let her go because his organization couldn’t handle losing her. But she didn’t know that. She didn’t know how important she was. So what he did was, he called her to ignite her. He said, “Look, bitch, you and I got to part ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, I don’t need you anyway, because I know somebody at Ringling Brothers.” He was like, “All right, whatever. [laughing] I got one last trick for you. It’s a big money trick. You do this for me, you get paid, I get paid, and we go our separate ways.” She said, “Fine, motherfucker, what do you want me to do?” He said, “Okay, there’s a guy in that hotel across the street. He’s waiting for you in room number seven. I want you to go over there and fuck him. But before you do, I need to put some of this stuff in his drink. And then he’s gonna fall asleep. When he does, his briefcase on his bed, bring the briefcase to me. That’s the trick, bitch. Can you handle it?” She said, “Fuck yeah, I can. I can’t wait to get rid of you.” And then she ran outside, jumped on a unicycle and peddled across the street. [laughing] And Iceberg watched her. He’s like, “Man, she’s pretty good.” [laughing] “If I never jerked off in her face, maybe she would’ve been in the circus now.” [laughing] [laughs] And she runs up the motel steps and disappears in room number seven. She’s gone for a real long time. Real long time. So long, in fact, that Iceberg got a little worried. But then, suddenly, she came back. [gasps] He says, “Where’s the briefcase?” She said, “I didn’t get it, Daddy.” “What do you mean you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?” She said, “I did everything you said, but that man didn’t look right. Something wrong, Daddy.” “What do you mean? Did you put that stuff in his drink?” “I did everything you said, Daddy. I put all of it in his drink.” He said, “Wait a minute, bitch, you put all of it in his drink?” Now he had to see for himself. So the two of them go to the motel, and they go into room number seven. And on the bed laying lifelessly is the white man that she was supposed to fuck. Iceberg said, “You right, bitch. He don’t look good. What the fuck?” So he called a friend of his that was a doctor that was close by. And the doctor came in, gave the guy a thorough examination and told them both what was obvious. “Slim, this motherfucker is dead.” “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, no. Oh, no. We killed him!” He said, “Calm down, bitch. We didn’t do anything. [laughing] You killed this motherfucker.” And then he reached on the bed and he grabbed the briefcase. He popped it open. It was filled with money. More than any of them had ever seen. Iceberg took a little bit of the money and gave it to the doctor, and the doctor left discreetly. “All right, bitch, let me think. [sighs] I can fix this for you. I know somebody I can call. But if I call him, I’m gonna owe these motherfuckers a big favor.” “Oh, God, Daddy, please. I don’t want to go to jail.” “Neither do I, bitch, so you shut up.” He picked up the phone. She heard him mumbling in the phone a little bit. He hung up the phone, and then she was pacing the room, and he was just standing there cool, and they were waiting and waiting, and then suddenly, a van pulled up downstairs. Two guys get out with a carpet. They walk upstairs, they roll that carpet out on the floor, they throw the body in the carpet. They roll that motherfucker up like a burrito, they pick that shit up, and they throw it in the back of the van. They come back up and Iceberg opens the briefcase again and gives them a little money. He says, “I’ll get in touch with you guys later.” They say, “You’re not going to get in touch with us, we’ll find you.” He said, “Whatever, n i g g a.” And they bounced. “Oh, God, Daddy. Oh, God.” He says, “Relax, bitch. Listen. We getting the fuck out of here. You go downstairs and you get the car. We gotta leave separately.” She went, she got the car. Iceberg grabbed that briefcase, waited a few minutes, looked out the window, and then he went down with her. They both got in the car, and they drove off. She was a blubbering mess. “Oh! Oh, we did all this shit!” He said, “I told you bitch. We didn’t do anything.” You killed the motherfucker, and I cleaned him up, and now we got us a secret. Okay? I know I’m not going to tell, bitch, is you?” “Oh, no, I ain’t gonna tell.” He said, “All right, baby, cool. I’m gonna need you to stay with me for a while till this shit cools down.” She goes, “Okay, okay. Okay.” That’s the game. That’s how the whole shit works, ladies. You understand? This bitch was at the end of her mileage. She was at for 498, she ended up tricking for Iceberg for another six months. She must have turned another 200 tricks for him. Do you understand? That’s some cold shit. And the cold shit about it is that the dead guy on the bed wasn’t even dead at all. This motherfucker was just a friend of Iceberg’s acting like he’s asleep. The doctor wasn’t a doctor. He was a motherfucking butcher that happened to have a white coat. [laughing] And the dudes who came in the moving van clothes was dressed like movers because they were movers. Iceberg had gotten a new apartment. [laughing] And the bag of money… was Iceberg’s money in the first place. The money he got from all those women. That’s a cold game. That’s the motherfucking capitalist manifesto, and that’s why I went to South Africa. So now we got us a little secret, bitch. [laughing] [“Revelations” playing] ♪ And “cc” a central bank ♪ ♪ Loose change body slamming Big money tanks ♪ ♪ We tell God thanks ♪ ♪ Ya’ll tellin’ us that God don’t rank ♪ ♪ That’s why your breath stank, yuck! ♪ ♪ Lay off the bacon and the smokes ♪ ♪ Quit laying off the good working folks ♪ ♪ Quit the hoax ♪ ♪ And lay off the corny color jokes ♪ ♪ Corn chili to populate A color is woke ♪ ♪ Ya big dope, yuck! ♪ ♪ Keep ’em out your face Keep ’em in your prayers ♪ ♪ Either that Or keep ’em in the crosshairs ♪ ♪ Better still Keep an even dose of each ♪ ♪ ‘Cause until you get justice You won’t get peace ♪ ♪ Peace, peace, peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The gunshot that said ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The firefight lit, ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Killers just killing Don’t know what they kill for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ War ♪ ♪ Revelations ♪ [girl] Don’t stop. Keep on. [man] I’m rich, beyotch! [car horn honks]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-live-at-the-apollo-2013-transcript/

Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And so this world was awkward for me growing up, because I grew up in a mixed family, well with me being the mixed one in the family. My mother is a black woman, Xhosa woman, born in South Africa. That’s one of the languages with the clicks, Xhosa. Xhosa! So a black woman and then my father is Swiss, but they didn’t care. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mum was arrested for being with my dad. She would get fined, she would get thrown into prison for the weekend, but still she’d come back and she was like, “Woo! I don’t care! I don’t care! Woo! Can’t tell me who to love! I want a white man! Woo!” She’s crazy my mum, just crazy. And my dad was also like, well, you know how the Swiss love chocolate. So he was in there, you know. And so – and so they got together and they had me, which was illegal. So I was born a crime, which is something I don’t think they ever thought through, because as a family we couldn’t live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn’t even be seen together. My father would have to walk on the other side of the road and he could just wave at me from far like a creepy pedophile. Well, like a pedophile. I didn’t have to say creepy, like a pedophile because creepy implies there’s some other sort of pedophile. There is none. There’s no classy pedophile. There’s no need, like “Afternoon, ladies. Afternoon. Afternoon. No, no, just browsing, just browsing.” He’s so classy! No, he’s a pedophile. Alright… And, my mum could walk with me. My mum could walk with me, but if the police showed up she’d have to let go of my hand and drop me and act like I wasn’t hers every single time, because we weren’t supposed to exist as a family. So my mum would let go. It was like a little game we played. The police would show up like, “Woo!” She’d be like, “Oh! I don’t know. I don’t know. No, he’s not mine. He’s not mine. No, I don’t know.” It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed. It was a tough time. And – and the downside of being light was that just that being light I was different. People mocked me, gave me names like mixed-breed, half-caste. I hate that term half. Why half? Why not double or twice as nice? I don’t know. People give you weird names, I just wanted a cool name, you know. I wanted to be black, to be honest. That’s all I ever wanted. Especially since one day growing up, I met an American and he was shocked that in South Africa we had all these titles. And he said to me, “Well, you know, Trevor, if you go out to America, they’ll label you as black.” I said, “Really?!” He was like, “Oh, hell, yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha — yeah, buddy, everybody is black out there. Yeah! You’d be super black.” Well, that sounds good to me, super black! Yeah. And I made a choice like, “First chance I get to go out to America, I’m going to get a piece of that black.” And I did boarded a flight. It was an 18-hour journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn’t sleep a wink. I just sat there in my chair like a madman watching every single black American movie I could find. Just sitting there going crazy, practicing like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah! King Kong ain’t got shit on me! Yeah! Yeah! I’m – sorry? Oh the chicken, please. The chicken. Thank you. No, that’s fine, thank you. Yeah! Put it in your mouth, yeah!” 18 hours of flying, 18 hours of practice. I landed in New York and I was fluent in my black American. Fo’ shizzle my nizzle. I had everything. I had the walk. I had the talk – I was so black, I was even laughing like “Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Oh, my man! My man! Oh, that’s you? That’s you? Ha-ha!” That for me is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so cool and confident. They’ll make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It’s magic. They’ll just walk up to you and go, “That’s you? That’s you? Nah, nah, for real, man, this you?!” And you’ll be like, “Yeah, I think it is! Yeah.” And I was that black. I was super black. I was loving it, until this guy walked up to me. I don’t know him, he didn’t even know me, tapped me on the shoulder in the airport he’s like [Spanish Language]. I said, “What? You’re talking to me?” He said “Yeah, I’m talking to you, man! I’m just saying, we made it, baby. We made it baby, eh?” Now that we’re here, our kind, we got to stick together, hombre.” “Our kind?!” 18 hours of flying and I wasn’t black. I was Mexican. Mexican. So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not? And then I’ve also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact with him for many years because of apartheid and so now we’re starting to learn each other, which is taking time, but we’re doing it slowly. I think the language will help me you know, because I don’t think he’s proud of me. He loves me, but I haven’t earned his pride. I think partly because of my job. As a comedian I don’t rank that high in the world of German ‘anythings’. Comes across in the small conversations, like one day we’re having lunch. My dad looks at me and goes, “So, Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? Do you work?” I said, “Yeah, Dad, I’m a comedian, a stand-up comedian.” He’s like “Oh, yeah, yeah, so the clown, eh? Yeah.” “No. Whatever.” German’s holding me back. You know. I dream of impressing him with his language. I’ll get to his house one day. He’ll welcome me at the gate, like, “Ah, clown boy!” I’ll be like, “Guten tag, vater.” It’s epic. It’s got that feeling. So I’ve started learning. I learn in different ways. You know, watch German movies, play German speeches on my iPod when I sleep. Your brain remembers things you don’t even know, it’s beautiful. The only hiccup was it turned out I’d downloaded some of Hitler’s speeches. It’s not like Google warned me. Don’t judge me. Google wasn’t like, “Oh, not those ones!” No, it just let me download everything and so I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It’s just I’ve been told that when I speak German sometimes I sound distinctly Hitler-ish, which I found out in Germany, which is not the best place to find out that you’ve got Hitler vibes. I would have rather found out at home. And, actually, it’s funny now, not so much then. I was in Cologne, Germany, beautiful area, I’ll never forget. I was walking around and I went into like a little sandwich shop, like one of those Subways where you make your own sandwich and I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, “Guten tag. Kannst ich sie helfen?” I looked at her and I thought, confidence, Trevor. Confidence! I said, “Guten tag! [German Language] Und ein Pepsi Cola drinken, bitte!” And she shat herself. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She went pale, she looked me straight in the eye and she said, “Der schwarze Hitler!” Which means the black Hitler. I was so happy. Yeah, because she said Hitler, but at least she said I was black. You guys have been fantastic. Thanks for having me.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DAVE CHAPPELLE: HBO HALF HOUR (1998) – Traduzione italiana

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-hbo-half-hour-1998-traduzione-italiana/

Ho iniziato a 14 anni, è stato allora che mi sono reso conto. Wow, dieci anni prima di me. Sì, ma ho una curva dell’attenzione bassissima, sto già pensando di smettere e far qualcos’altro. Sapete quale fu il mio primo lavoro? Dovevo mettermi un costume del cazzo da biscotto e distribuire volantini per un ristorante alla Capitol Hill – che si chiamava “Cookie Bay”. – Il “Cookie Bay”? In pieno agosto. Da che tipo di biscotto eri vestito? Da povero, irascibile e sudato biscotto al cioccolato… Signore e signori, in arrivo per voi da San Francisco, diamo il benvenuto a Dave Chappelle! Grazie! Grazie a tutti voi. Grazie. Come va, San Francisco? Mi piace la vostra città, è bellissima. Un posto molto colorato. Non ho visto molto. Mi ha chiamato un amico e mi ha detto: “Dave, “ti diverti a San Francisco?” Certo. “Hai visto i monumenti?” No. “Vuoi andare a vedere Alcatraz?” Che razza di nero entrerebbe in prigione tanto per sport? Ho degli amici in carcere che non visito. Non sopporto le prigioni e non mi piace la polizia. Mi hanno svaligiato casa a New York, non l’ho neanche chiamata la polizia. Volevo, ma non posso… Casa mia è troppo bella. Non che sia un granché, ma è troppo bella per me. Conoscete i poliziotti di New York. Appena aprono la porta: “Ehi, il ladro è ancora qui! “Caso risolto, Johnson. “A quanto pare si è introdotto qui e ha appeso foto della sua famiglia “dappertutto! “Mai vista una cosa del genere.” Cerco di stargli alla larga. Una volta ho dovuto pagare la cauzione a un amico in prigione, è stato orribile. Ero spaventato. Ho dovuto camminare dritto nel ventre della bestia. Cercavo di sembrare il meno minaccioso possibile. “Salve. “Sono qui per prendere un amico…” “Oh, bene. “Già che sei qui… Somigli a una descrizione. “Cammina da questa che controlliamo.” È così che ci beccano. Vittime di quelle maledette descrizioni. Potrei portare rancore e dare la colpa ai poliziotti, ma no… Vi dico io di chi è la colpa: di quei maledetti ritrattisti degli identikit. Continuano a disegnare lo stesso fratello tutte le volte. Chi è quest’uomo generico a cui somigliamo tutti? Mi piacerebbe vedere quando lo fanno. Nella stanza degli interrogatori: “L’ha visto? “Ha visto l’uomo che ha cercato di derubarla?” Sì! “Sì, l’ho visto! “Era alto 1.80! – Uno e ottanta? – Sì. – E portava il cappellino al contrario. – Bene. “È un’ottima descrizione: il cappellino – era al contrario… – Sì. – Ed era nero. – Ok. “Grandi labbra, naso largo, pene ciondolante. Signore, non dica altro! “Lo disegnerò a memoria. “Fammi vedere se ne ho uno pronto che facciamo prima.” Alla radio dicono: “A tutte le pattuglie, “cerchiamo un uomo di colore tra l’1,40 e i 2,10 di altezza. “Pesa tra i 60 e i 170 Kg. “Ha le Nike. Trovatelo! I criminali sono pazzi. Non so nemmeno perché lo fanno. Se vogliono beccarti, ti beccano. Possono. Hanno la scientifica. Ne avete sentito parlare? Quei tizi trovano indizi che nessuno immagina di cercare. Dico sul serio. Se lasci un pelo pubico sulla scena del crimine loro lo troveranno. “Che cavolo è questo? Tutti indietro! “Abbiamo una pista.” Guardano il pelo e cominciano a ricavarne informazioni. “Sembra ci sia stata una colluttazione. “Ora del decesso: 3:07” È incredibile. Una volta ho visto un processo su Court TV. È stato imbarazzante. Era un caso di abuso sessuale, ma sapevo che l’imputato mentiva, si capiva. Si difendeva con troppa enfasi. Le sue risposte non avevano nulla a che fare con le domande, erano del tutto irrilevanti. Gli facevano domande facili: “Si trovava vicino alla scena del crimine la sera dell’incidente?” “Figlio di una cagna, ti ho già detto che lavoro al Burger King!” È andata avanti così per ore. Poi il procuratore si è stancato della farsa… Ha chiamato gli esperti della scientifica a testimoniare. Hanno detto: “Vostro onore, “siamo pronti a testimoniare. “Abbiamo trovato sperma dell’imputato… “sotto la stufa.” Ho pensato: “Maledizione!” Altro che impronte digitali. Se trovano il tuo sperma, sei stato lì almeno un minuto. Ma quello che mi chiedevo… Sotto la stufa? Si trova così facilmente lo sperma? O lo hanno cercato? Entrano sulla scena del crimine: “Questo posto è un casino… “Cercate lo sperma!” Oppure entrando, qualcuno è scivolato? “Oh, mio Dio! “Che diavolo era? “Sperma!” Ne trovano su ogni scena del crimine. Cosa stava facendo il ladro? – Abbiamo la merce, filiamocela! – Aspetta un attimo… “Devo lasciare il mio biglietto da visita. “Il bandito dello sperma colpisce ancora!” Non capisco più cosa succede… Davvero. Guardavo la TV, ditemi se sono io… Forse sono impazzito. Sono impazzito io o le pubblicità non c’entrano più nulla con il prodotto? Fino alla fine non capisco nemmeno di che cazzo stiano parlando. Ormai è tutto una sorpresa. Avete visto lo spot della donna che ha un occhio nero? C’è questa donna che compare in TV, con un occhio nero e piange: “Io fumo crack “e mio marito mi picchia…” Poi si sente una voce che dice: “Hai preso il latte?” Cosa diavolo c’entra? Non ha nulla a che fare col latte… Non sono un esperto di pubblicità, ma posso fare uno spot migliore di quello. Lo farei molto semplice, col primo piano di una tetta. Con lo slogan: “direttamente dal produttore”. Se non si vende così, non lo venderà nessuno, ve l’assicuro. Siamo nel 1997, le tette sono l’industria del 1997. Certo che lo sono, io sono un cliente… Sono andato in uno strip bar alle tre di pomeriggio. Non va bene. Cioè, non sarebbe grave se fossi passato davanti per caso e avessi deciso di entrarci. Macché. La verità è che sono uscito di casa apposta per vedere delle tette. Non potete giudicarmi, ci sono tette là dentro. Gli uomini sono così. Se uno ti corre incontro e dice: “Ehi! “Non entrare in quell’edificio. Ci sono donne nude che mostrano il seno.” Saresti come un bianco in un film dell’orrore: “Farò meglio a controllare… “Voglio vedere di persona.” Gli strip bar sono posti strani… Non dico che siano posti da evitare. Io ci vado, ogni tanto… Ma sono posti strani, con una strana moralità. Ogni volta che vado a uno strip bar ci sono sempre dei tizi che spuntano fra il pubblico e mi urlano: “Ehi! “Ehi, amico… Signore? “Signore! Le dispiacerebbe levarsi il cappello? “È una mancanza di rispetto verso le donne…” Certo, posso metterle 20 dollari nel culo, ma sarà meglio farlo senza cappello in testa. “Mi scusi, amico mio. “Ecco qua, Bubbles. “Scusate per l’incidente del cappello.” Sapete perché quei bar sono così popolari? Perché gli uomini non sanno affrontare le donne nella realtà, così a volte dobbiamo ricorrere alla fantasia. La realtà in questo senso è molto triste. Le donne hanno fatto molti progressi in brevissimo tempo e questo cambia tutto. Non posso impegnarmi in un rapporto. Ho appena mollato la ragazza, sono evaso da “Shawshank”, sono libero. Non voglio tornare indietro. Non riuscivo neanche a discutere con lei. Si dovrebbe riuscire a parlare, se c’è un problema nel rapporto. Si dovrebbe riuscire a parlare di qualsiasi problema, vero? Ma voi donne dovreste attenervi all’argomento specifico. Tirate in ballo qualsiasi argomento, pur di vincere… Vi faccio l’esempio dei piatti: “Piccola, potresti almeno lavare il piatto quando hai finito di mangiare?” “Eiaculatore precoce.” “Come? “Perché tiri fuori questa cosa? “Non credo nemmeno di esserlo.” Non credo, se vengo è perché è il momento giusto, altro che cazzi! Per quanto mi riguarda, non vengo veloce abbastanza, sono stufo di farmi sempre denigrare. “Dave, come hai potuto? “Come hai potuto venire?” “Stavo scopando! “Tu che cercavi di fare? “Venire? Beh, ti ho battuto… “Devi lavorare sui tuoi tempi, piccola, il mio record è 1′ 20”. Non puoi arrabbiarti con me per avere obiettivi diversi nel sesso. Sono uno scopatore sprint. Voglio solo stabilire il mio record personale. È come alle Olimpiadi. “Ed ora ecco l’uscita!” Non andava tutto male, non resteresti altrimenti. No, non è vero, io lo farei. Ci divertivamo, guardavamo del porno insieme, ecco quant’era giusta. So che sembra sconcio, ma è divertente. S’impara a conoscersi a vicenda. E lei ha imparato a conoscere me. Una volta guardavamo un porno insieme, non scorderò mai la prima scena del film. Era roba hardcore. Due uomini e una donna che trombano. La salto immediatamente. Era troppo per i miei gusti. La scena dopo era con due donne e un uomo. Mi ci sono soffermato un minuto. Dovevo vedere di cosa si trattava. E lei l’ha notato… “Ma cos’è? Cos’è questa schifezza?” Due uomini e una donna: gli uomini non si toccavano, ma le donne sì. Due donne sì, due uomini no. Perché fa schifo agli uomini? Vi spiego io perché. E datemi pure del pazzo, ma penso che ogni uomo etero abbia una regola. È la regola di un pene solo a fantasia. Il mio cazzo è la star della mia fantasia. Nessun altro pene può fare la guest star nelle mie storie. È un ruolo per Dave Chappelle. Dovete guardare al quadro d’insieme: con due donne e un uomo in una stanza è tutto diverso, è pieno di carezze ed abbracci, amicizia e cooperazione. Il lavoro di squadra funziona alla perfezione, amici miei. Ma con due uomini e una donna sola in una stanza il lavoro di squadra non va. Sarebbe un po’ brutale, se volete un mio parere. “Io le prendo i capelli!” “E io la sculaccio!” La poveretta finisce come un pollo allo spiedo. “Aiuto! “Tiratemi fuori!” Nella vita… Ci sono troppe stronzate che ti stressano. Tutto il mondo è infestato dalla droga. Dall’odio e dalla droga. Odio le droghe. Sapete che mi ha detto un amico? Sapete con cosa ha a che fare? Il suo padrone di casa è un tossico di crack. È terribile. Ti mette pressione. Se il tuo padrone di casa si fa di crack, vuol dire che DEVI avere l’affitto! Viene e fa: “Ce l’hai l’affitto?” Non è neanche il giorno giusto, è solo il 10. “Dai, mi serve! “Dammi solamente 20 dollari oggi e poi… “Il resto alla fine del mese.” Ogni paio d’ore: “Ehi, mi serve un altro po’ d’affitto. “Questo posto cade a pezzi, spese impreviste.” Arrivi a casa in anticipo da una festa e lui è a casa tua, che fruga. “Che ci fai in casa mia?” “Dov’è il lavabo, sono venuto a ripararlo.” “È in cucina!” “Credevo fosse nel cassetto. “Verrò a ripararlo domani, quando passo per l’affitto.” Sapete cosa odio delle droghe? Quando quelli della mia età o più vecchi si fanno di crack, mi girano le palle. A un certo punto sei troppo vecchio per sperimentare con le droghe, dovresti piantarla. Se non l’hai fatto prima di un certo punto, non l’hai fatto e basta. Comunque va bene drogarsi da vecchi. Hai 75 anni, ti sei guadagnato il diritto. Cazzo, se avessi 75 anni, mi farei di coca, eroina, tutto, me ne sbatterei i coglioni. Camminerei per strada e penserebbero: “Cazzo, quel vecchio è fuso.” Non puoi farti tutto. Forse l’erba. Se devi farti qualcosa, fatti una canna. L’erba non è come tutto il resto. L’erba è una droga di sottofondo. Puoi farti un po’ d’erba e rimanere ancora lucido, non sei perfettamente a posto, ma funzioni. Niente di più dell’erba, però. Ho fatto quell’errore una volta, un tipo a una festa mi ha dato della roba. Mi fa: “Amico, prendi questo: “è un funghetto.” L’ho messo via e poi me ne sono dimenticato. Un paio di giorni dopo l’ho trovato in tasca e ho pensato: “Perché no?” Perché pensavo che fosse come l’erba, roba da sottofondo! Avevo pianificato la giornata come se fosse stato erba… Lo mastico, poi vado a tagliarmi i capelli dal barbiere e quindi al cinema. Lo mastico… Fino a qui, tutto bene. Poi sono andato dal barbiere, circa un’ora dopo… È divertente, perché fra me e me pensavo: “Uh, “questa roba fa schifo! “Sa di piede d’atleta, “ho un po’ di nausea, ma non sono davvero sballato.” Poi ho guardato lo specchio e ho visto il riflesso del barbiere. Sembrava che un pene gigante mi stesse tagliando i capelli! Mi sono cagato sotto. Ho iniziato a dirmi: “Dave, calmati. “Sei fatto. “È l’effetto della droga. “Ok, sai bene “che è impossibile “che un pene “possa tagliarti i capelli.” Ma ho iniziato a spaventarmi, non ce la facevo più. Sono saltato su dalla sedia, coi capelli tagliati a metà. Poi ho dato al barbiere una manciata di soldi. È stato strano, le palle si sono aperte… Sono corso a casa il più in fretta possibile, stavo sclerando! Ho guardato l’orologio ed erano le 2:42. Ho detto: “Cazzo! “Le 2:42. “Devo ripigliarmi, “non mi sono mai sballato così presto.” Mi faccio una doccia. Ero ancora sballato. Mi dico: “Forse la musica mi aiuterà.” Ho ascoltato ogni CD che avevo ed ero ancora fatto. “Esercizio! Ecco che farò!” Ho fatto il giro di corsa del quartiere quattro volte! Ancora sballato. Ho fatto un pisolino. Mi sveglio. Sto a pezzi. Guardo l’orologio ed erano le 2:43, cazzo! Ascoltate questa canzone. È la canzone che cantava mia nonna quando puliva. È uno spiritual. Una canzone da schiavi. Non tutti lo sanno. Voi bianchi fischiettate quando lavorate… Da questo si capisce che tipo di lavoro fate veramente. Io studio queste cose. La cosa importante sulle razze è leggere e vedere un po’ di cose… E viaggiare è sempre una buona cosa. Viaggiare mi ha reso un intenditore di razzismo, per così dire. Differisce da regione a regione. Qualcuno è stato giù al Sud? Quindi sapete di cosa sto parlando. Il razzismo laggiù è così al bacio, cazzo… È perfetto. Cotto alla perfezione. È normale, è alla luce del sole… Non ci sono segreti in Mississippi. Tutti sanno qual è la prassi. – Buongiorno, negro! – Buongiorno, signore! Qui no. Qui nelle grandi città è diverso, è come un segreto. E dovremmo essere come loro. Dovremmo parlare apertamente e sfogarci un po’… Con dei limiti, però. Senza dire tutto ciò che vi passa in mente, sarebbe forse un po’ troppo. Un bianco cammina per strada, pensando ai fatti suoi e un fratello gli si avvicina: “Ciao, “tu, oppressore bianco, schiavista stupratore dell’Africa.” “Ma ciao, “mio amico grandi labbra, tiralance.” “Touché, muso pallido. “Dimmi un po’, che hai fatto oggi, eh? “Opprimi nuove terre e ne converti i popoli al cristianesimo contro la loro volontà?” “E tu cos’hai fatto oggi? “Ti sei scottato i labbroni con la pipa del crack e hai saltato il colloquio di lavoro?” “Calma, bianco, questa era pesante. “Queste chiacchiere mi hanno messo sete. “Se mi vuole scusare, vado al negozio coreano a prendere qualcosa da bere… “Salve… “Occhi a mandorla che distruggi l’economia del quartiere, aprendo il tuo negozio “e prendendo i soldi dalla nostra comunità.” “Oh, buon pomeriggio, tu che dai sempre un’occhiata senza comprare nulla, “negro dal fare sospetto.” Dopo un po’ potrebbe diventare eccessivo. Non c’è niente da fare, se sei americano sei razzista. Impariamo sin dall’inizio a generalizzare. Non guardiamo mai agli individui, raramente lo facciamo. Io sono razzista e so di esserlo. Sapete come lo so? Perché l’altro giorno sono stato razzista con me stesso. All’improvviso mi sono confuso. Ho dimenticato in che squadra sto. Stavo sfogliando un giornale e mi è balzato all’occhio un articolo che parlava di uno che ha denunciato i grandi magazzini. Non lo hanno lasciato vestire da Babbo Natale perché è nero… E mi ha sollevato la decisione dei grandi magazzini, ma è sbagliato… Non c’ero preparato. Non ero pronto all’idea di un Babbo Natale nero, avrebbe fatto cagare… Non avremmo potuto scartare i regali fino al 28, 29. “Scusate il ritardo, bambini. “Babbo doveva passare da delle gnocche a Las Vegas… “Ho dovuto vendere dei regali per tornare. “Dove sono i biscotti?” Siete un gran bel pubblico. Davvero. Sono felice di vedervi qui. Sono nervoso… Lo sono. Spero di non diventare troppo famoso con questo speciale. Non voglio essere così famoso, voglio piacere per quello che sono. Un ragazzo molto famoso non sa mai perché piace alla gente… Per questo motivo, se sfondo, dovrò fare dei test alla gente. Se conosco delle ragazze dovrò travestirmi al primo appuntamento. Per vedere se sanno chi sono davvero. Al primo appuntamento la vado a prendere direttamente al lavoro. E poi la faccio salire su un camion della spazzatura. Solo per vedere come reagisce. Direbbe: “Aspetta un attimo… “Ti sembro un sacco d’immondizia? “Non vedo sacchi neri da far salire su lì. “Porta via da qua quel camion, chi ti credi di essere?” In quel momento mi toglierei la maschera. “David Chappelle!” “Esatto, troia!” Grazie, grazie mille. Ho avuto l’heckler peggiore di tutti, sapete chi era? Un’epilettica! Cosa cazzo puoi dire a una che ha una crisi durante lo spettacolo? – Ero al Washington Square Park. – Colpa delle luci? Non sapevo cosa fare, pensavo mi prendesse in giro, perché girava in tondo e poi ha iniziato a scuotersi. Sembrava stesse ballando, ma poi è caduta e stava avendo un attacco! Come se avesse usato la sua crisi per disturbarti. Sì, e poi qualcuno ha gridato: “Prendete un cucchiaio!” E otto persone avevano dei cazzo di cucchiai in mezzo al parco. – “Chi va in giro con un cucchiaio?” – Beh, gli eroinomani, per farsi la roba. Oh, è il cucchiaio che vorresti in bocca. Preferirei ingoiare la lingua che avere un cucchiaio per l’eroina in bocca.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DAVE CHAPPELLE: THE BIRD REVELATION (2017) – Transcripción completa

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-bird-revelation-2017-transcripcion-completa/

Original English transcript here [Dave Chappelle] A veces, decir algo gracioso es cruel. ¿Me entienden? Es difícil estar en esa situación. Yo digo muchas cosas crueles, pero deben recordar que mi intención no es ser cruel. Solo lo digo porque es gracioso. Y todo es gracioso hasta que nos sucede a nosotros. [“Revelations”] ♪ Revelation ♪ -Don’t stop. Keep on… – ♪ Sunshine ♪ ♪ Ecstatic ♪ ♪ Flaco ♪ ♪ Boogieman ♪ ♪ I’m standing in the sun Getting black as I want ♪ ♪ You playing good D And that ain’t backing me up ♪ ♪ Sky woke a baby Ain’t no jackin’ my hem ♪ ♪ I got a whole lot to say So I ain’t talking to them ♪ ♪ I hear knees dropping I turn it up louder ♪ ♪ Black freedom, black genius Black power ♪ ♪ Black ink For printing the black dollar ♪ ♪ Until I CIA ♪ ♪ I say, “Now what?” ♪ Bueno, es el último espectáculo. Aquí estamos. En Los Ángeles. Es la capital mundial de la violación y el aliento a pene. ¿Qué mierda ocurrió aquí? Y empeora, aunque no lo crean posible. Hoy suspendieron a Charlie Rose. Las noticias de mañana no serán muy interesantes. Charlie Rose. ¿Quién sigue? ¿El Captain Kangaroo? Todo el mundo viola como pan caliente. Empiezo a preocuparme. Estoy hace 30 años en el mundo del espectáculo. No sabía que corría tanto peligro. Da muchísimo miedo. Debo decirles algo. Harvey Weinstein fue el primero que, con solo una foto, me hizo pensar: “Sí, es violador”. No creo que tenga elección. No es apuesto. Le sobra mucha carne y piel en la cara. Es feo, pero ¿saben qué es lo triste? Le fue tan bien en la vida que de seguro no sabe que es feo. Cuando eres apuesto, todos te lo dicen. “Te ves increíble. Eres muy apuesto”. Cuando eres feo… …debes darte cuenta tú solo. Debes atar los cabos. ¿Por qué no me dejan entrar en el club si me vestí bien? Si Brad Pitt hiciera algo así, nadie se enteraría. La chica volvería diciendo: “Conseguí el papel”. Aun así es importante que les reconozca algo a las damas. Tienen la razón por completo. Lo dije. Todos debemos ser conscientes de esto, porque podría sucederle a cualquiera, también a mí. Me lo imagino. Me imagino que llego a las 3 a. m. a una reunión con el Sr. Weinstein. “Hola, Harvey. Recibí tu mensaje. Vine a hablar del guion. Es difícil leer a la luz de las velas, pero puedo intentarlo”. Parece una puta pesadilla. ¿Se lo imaginan? ¿Se imaginan ir a una reunión laboral y que un hijo de puta les muestre el pene? ¿En el medio de la reunión? ¡Por favor! “Por Dios, es el comportamiento menos profesional que vi en la vida”. “Déjame acabar, Dave Chappelle. Aparecerás en las tres de El Señor de los anillos“. “Apresúrate. Tengo otras reuniones. Veo a Brett Ratner en su casa a las 4:30 a.m. Creo que es una prueba de vestuario”. La situación es muy mala, ¿no? Kevin Spacey va por la vida agarrando a hombres de la vagina. Ni sabía que eso era posible. Por Dios santo. Está el caso del actor de Star Trek: The Next Generation. La última vez parecía que era más que eso, pero él fue quien lo inició. Tenía 14 años, y Kevin Spacey lo abordó en una fiesta. Por cierto, debo decir que fui a muchas fiestas de joven. Nunca fui a ninguna fiesta buena en donde hubiera niños de 14. Ni siquiera cuando tenía 13 años. ¿Me entienden? ¿Quién quiere juntarse con tipos que comen goma de mascar? “Lo estoy pasando bien”. Irónicamente el niño resultó ser gay de grande. Eso significa que Kevin Spacey lo huele como perro de caza. “Sí, es como yo”. No es por culpar a la víctima, pero es el típico problema en el que se mete un niño gay de 14 años. Sé que no sonó bien, pero es cierto. ¿Saben por qué lo digo? Porque fui a una escuela de arte, y todos eran gais. En la secundaria, todos eran gais. Los gais son mucho más maduros que el resto. No sabíamos por qué. Solo sabíamos que eran maduros. ¿Alguna vez vieron almorzar a un gay? Se sientan con postura perfecta. Comen con responsabilidad. Luego sacan un termo. Uno piensa: “¿Qué mierda es eso? ¿Está almorzando con vino?”. No sabíamos qué era. Éramos pequeños. Intentábamos descifrar quién éramos. No sabíamos que los gais luchaban por ser quien ya sabían que eran. Es impresionante. Los niños gais son intrépidos. No le tienen miedo a nada. Jamás vi a un gay asustado. ¿Qué clase de hombre no tiene miedo? Si estuvieran en medio de un secuestro, los gais igual dirían: “Tengo sed. Tengo sed, David. Necesito algo de beber. Entonces, mátame. Prefiero morir antes que deshidratarme. Tengo sed. Necesito agua”. Fuera de los chistes… Spacey no debería haberle hecho eso a un niño. Tenía 14 años, y Spacey lo obligó a cargar con el secreto de un adulto durante 30 años. Debe de haber estado por estallar con esa información. Lo más triste es que, si lo hubiera ocultado durante seis meses más, me enteraría de cómo termina House of Cards. Sí, señoras y señoras, son épocas… Son épocas muy oscuras. Según The New York Times, Louis C. K. acabó en su propio estómago. Yo también me masturbé mucho de joven, pero nunca salí en las noticias. Fue un asco, pero no lo contaron como yo. No usaron la palabra “acabar”. Lo dijeron con su estilo típico, digno de un Premio Pulitzer. Son muy descriptivos. ¿Saben de qué hablo? “El semen de Louis C. K. salió despedido como un volcán de misoginia, se derramó lentamente como lava, cubriéndole el pene pecoso, y goteó despacio sobre un cúmulo ardiente de pelo rojo”. Por Dios, yo quería comer unos huevos rancheros y ahora… Lo más difícil de ser comediante es que conozco a esos tipos. Todos me preguntan: “¿Lo sabías? ¿Sabías lo que hacía Louis?”. No. No lo sabía. ¿De qué mierda creen que hablamos? “¿Qué tal el fin de semana?”. “Excelente. Me masturbé frente a otros. Acabé en mi propio estómago. Lo pasé bien. Sabes cómo es la cosa”. No lo sabía. Se piensan que es como Grease. Cuéntame más ¿Ella se resistió? Perdón. No sé la coreografía, pero ya me entienden. Me entienden bien. Fue muy intenso. Lo de Louis fue un momento decisivo. Todas las acusaciones son terribles, pero la de Louis… No debería decirlo, pero a la mierda. Su acusación fue con la única que me reí. Piénsenlo. Todos sus amigos lo leyeron. Él se masturba y sorprende a la gente. Me imagino a todos los comediantes leyendo el artículo y diciendo: “¿Qué?”. Es terrible. Lo sé. Perdón, mujeres. Sí, tienen razón. Pero, al mismo tiempo, ustedes me entienden. Por Dios, le quitaron todo a Louis. Puede que sea desproporcionado. No me doy cuenta. No sé. Por esto es difícil ser hombre. Una mujer dijo: “Que Louis C. K. se masturbara frente a mí me arruinó mis sueños“. ¿En serio? Señora, me atrevería a decir que nunca tuvo ningún sueño. Vamos. Qué espíritu más frágil. Tiene el espíritu muy frágil. Decir eso es demasiado. Hablamos de una mujer adulta. ¿Saben a qué se parece? Al COINTELPRO. ¿Saben qué es? Un programa del FBI durante la época de J. Edgar Hoover. Entre todas las cosas que hacían, una era investigar los hábitos sexuales de cualquiera que consideraran enemigo del estado. Por eso es que hay tantos videos de Martin Luther King cogiendo mujeres. Pero, por suerte, él realmente tenía un sueño. Imaginen si Louis se masturbara en frente de King, y él dijera: “No puedo seguir con el movimiento. Lo siento, pero la libertad de los negros deberá esperar. No sabía que este tipo me mostraría el pene y se masturbaría. Creí que nada más íbamos a beber unos tragos”. El espectáculo es más difícil, y las mujeres parecen… Odio decirlo, pero parecen débiles. Sé que suena mal y no debo decirlo, pero una de ellas dijo: “Louis se masturbó mientras hablábamos por teléfono”. ¿Acaso no sabes colgar? ¿Cómo mierda sobrevivirás en el mundo del espectáculo si ese de veras es un obstáculo para cumplir tus sueños? Sé que Louis estuvo mal, pero se me imputa un mayor grado de responsabilidad que a estas mujeres. No olviden quién soy. Y no olviden qué soy. Soy negro. Y nunca olviden cómo llegué aquí. Mis ancestros fueron secuestrados. No sé de dónde mierda soy. Los transportaron en barcos al otro lado del Atlántico. Muchos murieron. Solo los más fuertes sobrevivieron. Cuando mi pueblo llegó aquí, les quitaron la humanidad a los golpes. Nos obligaron a hacer su trabajo, como bestias de carga. Lo irónico es que, años después, nos llaman vagos. Luchamos en la Guerra Civil. Fuimos para liberarnos. Con la reconstrucción, a los negros les fue bien. Mi bisabuelo era muy adinerado. Pero luego llegó el código negro. Llegaron las leyes de Jim Crow, y hubo cien años más de opresión. Hubo linchamientos y ataques terroristas para mantenernos al margen. Igual seguimos peleando. Nació el Dr. King. Y luego todo mejoró. A 20 años del asesinato del Dr. King, Micahel Jackson bailaba en la televisión. Y años más tarde, Barack Obama. Donald Trump. Ahora estamos todos aquí. Fue una pesadilla de 400 años. Tardamos 400 años en darnos cuenta, como pueblo, que todo este tiempo la debilidad de los blancos fue que nos arrodilláramos durante el himno. Qué espíritu más frágil. Así es. Y el rojo fulgor de cohetes… “¿Qué haces, negro? Levántate”. Hasta el vicepresidente se involucró. Mike Pence fue personalmente al estadio. “Los negros se pondrán de pie cuando me vean”. Los jugadores alzaron la vista y vieron a Pence: “¿Es Mike Pence? Vamos. Todos juntos. Toma esto”. Plan frustrado. Espíritu frágil. Podría matar a todos los blancos juntos. ¿Saben cómo? Esperaría al Super Bowl. Justo cuando empiece el himno, le pediría a O. J. Simpson que entrara en la cancha con sus problemas de rodilla. “¿O. J. Simpson salió a la cancha? ¿Qué mierda hace? ¡Ya sé qué hará! ¡Deténganlo!”. Oigan, compórtense como hombres. No quiero ser irrespetuoso. Sé que les molesta lo que digo. Sé que tienen razón, pero, vamos, soy yo. En un momento, tuve la razón. ¿Lo recuerdan? ¿Recuerdan cuando desaparecí doce años del mundo del espectáculo? Renuncié a un programa muy popular. Rechacé 50 millones de dólares. Fue mucho más difícil que rechazar el pene pecoso de Louis. No sabía si volvería a trabajar. Pero aquí estoy esta noche. Volví a cumplir mi sueño. Recuerdo esa mierda. ¿Recuerdan cuando me fui y dije: “Hollywood está enfermo”? Dijeron que estaba drogado. Recuerdo que me llamaron loco. Así que tienen razón, mujeres. Felicitaciones. Disfrútenlo. Acaban por ustedes. Acaban por ustedes. Cuando es uno solo, es incómodo. ¿Saben quién es el que está más incómodo? El que está en lo cierto. Una vez estuve en una orgía, y nadie me cogió. Caminé por el lugar observando, como Tom Cruise. Y arruiné la orgía sin querer. Arruinar una orgía es más fácil de lo que creen. Solo deben esperar a que se haga silencio y decir: “Qué asco”. Me siento mal. Siento que todo esto ocurre por un motivo. Quiero que ganen la pelea, mujeres. Hace 10 años, me habría asustado, pero ahora tengo una hija. Si ganan, ella gana. Así que las aliento. Estoy de acuerdo con ustedes. Al menos, en cuanto a la ideología. No sé si el modo es el correcto, pero ¿quién soy yo para opinar? No creo que estén equivocadas, pero tampoco creo que así alcancen una paz duradera. Asustaron a los tipos malos. Eso es bueno, pero, en cuanto dejen de tener miedo, la situación será peor que antes. Con el miedo no se llega a una paz duradera. Pregúntenles a los negros. Es así. Lo que esta cuidad necesita… Y no lo digo irónicamente. La cura para Los Ángeles está en Sudáfrica. Ustedes necesitan reconciliarse los unos con los otros. El fin del apartheid debería haber sido un baño de sangre, según cualquier medida de la historia humana, pero no lo fue. El único motivo por el cual no fue así fue que Desmond Tutu, Mandela y los demás entendieron que, si el sistema es corrupto, las personas que se adhieren a él y a las que incentiva ese sistema no son delincuentes, sino víctimas, y que el mismo sistema debe ser juzgado. Pero como el sistema está muy dividido en cuanto a la información, la única manera de averiguar cuál es el sistema es que todos digan lo que hicieron. Digan cómo participaron. Muchos quieren ayudar, pero tienen miedo. Ben Affleck quiso ayudar. “Esas mujeres vivieron algo horrible”. “Tú tocaste una teta en 1995”. “Bueno. Me largo. Así no se puede”. Yo quiero ayudar. Quiero ser un buen tipo. Ya ni puedo decir: “Yo también”. El otro día me dijeron: “Voy al club, Dave”. “Yo iré al club al igual que tú”. No me di cuenta cuándo ocurrió, pero me convertí en feminista en las últimas tres semanas, porque no puedo ver porno. A veces, miro porno, pero no puedo hacer clic en los videos con ciertos títulos. “Un tipo le mete en el culo a una chica su dura…”. No puedo hacer clic. Vamos. Quiero un video que pueda ver. “Una enana se la chupa a unos tipos…”. Pienso: “Mujer pequeña”. Tardo horas en encontrar un video. ¿Qué mierda es esto? “Una feminista poco arreglada disfruta de sexo consentido con un tipo un poco homosexual que tiene el pene de mi mismo color”. Clic. Notarán que no muchos negros reciben acusaciones. Toco madera. ¿Saben por qué? Es obvio que las negras pasan por el mismo acoso, ¿no? El motivo es que las negras, luego de la esclavitud, no nos acusan. Porque saben que, por más malos que seamos los negros, los blancos son muy crueles. Temen ver cómo nos castigan. Mi mujer es asiática. Me acusaría sin dudarlo. En la casa de Chappelle, no se jode. Lo peor es que vivo en la tierra de Trump. Vivo entre los blancos con antorchas tiki, los pobres. Y soy rico. Si llega la hora de cazar con horquillas, tendré muchos problemas. En mi familia, nadie me cree. Intenté convencer a mis hijos de hacer simulacros, pero ellos dicen que son estúpidos. “Lo siento, hijo. Debes hacerlo. Si aparecen blancos con antorchas, ¿qué deben hacer?”. “Por favor, papá”. “Pregunté: ¿Qué deben hacer?”. “Entrecerrar los ojos y acercarnos a mamá”. “Muy bien. ¿Y qué deben traerme?”. “Tu arma y tu uniforme de encargado”. “Así es. Y yo saldré a preguntar qué quieren”. Es difícil. ¿De dónde eres? ¿De dónde? – Nueva York. – ¿De dónde? ¿Manhattan? – Brooklyn. – De Brooklyn. Por supuesto. Tienes aspecto de poder salir a robar con un martillo. Los tipos de Brooklyn roban con objetos domésticos. “Me apuñalaron con un cepillo de dientes. El tipo debe de ser de Brooklyn”. Es una broma. Así es. Las mujeres tenían razón. Para ser sincero, ser mujer debe de ser aterrador. Sí. No sé nada de ser mujer, pero conozco el miedo. Vivía en Nueva York a los 17 años. No tenía dinero. ¿Cómo lo conseguía? Hacía espectáculos para narcotraficantes que querían lavar dinero. Un día di un espectáculo muy bueno y me pidieron que los viera. Me dieron $25 000 en efectivo. Debía de tener 18 años. Tenía miedo. Agradecí efusivamente y metí el dinero en el bolso. Me subí al metro, en dirección a Brooklyn, a la una de la mañana. Nunca había tenido tanto miedo en la vida, porque nunca había tenido algo que otro podría querer. Pensé: “Por Dios, si la gente supiera cuánto dinero llevo, me matarían para robármelo”. Luego pensé: “Por Dios santo. ¿Y si llevara una vagina conmigo todo el tiempo?”. Las mujeres deben lidiar con eso. Les diré algo… Lo digo en serio. Si esos traficantes me dieran una vagina y tuviera que llevarla a Brooklyn, les diría: “No puedo aceptarla”. Siento empatía por ellas. Todos se enojan porque digo estos chistes, pero deben entender que es el mejor momento para decirlos. Ahora más que nunca. Sé que hay comediantes presentes. Tienen la responsabilidad de hablar con imprudencia. Si no, mis hijos jamás sabrán lo que significa hablar con imprudencia. Es la dicha de estar equivocado. No vine aquí a estar en lo correcto. Solo vine a bromear. Ahora hace más calor, ¿no? Me pregunto de dónde salió el calor. Me pregunto qué me ocurrió. ¿Adónde me fui durante 12 años si nadie me violó? Quizá ocurrió otra cosa. Quizá estas violaciones no son lo peor. ¿No sería increíble? Puedes ir al baño, Brooklyn. No es necesario que escuches esto. ¿Vieron a ese tipo? Está bajo mucha presión. Es así. Es grandote, negro y tiene un peinado que lo hace sospechoso de cualquier cosa. Excepto de delitos de cuello blanco. A veces quiero hablar de eso, pero ustedes no querrán saberlo. Me fui mucho tiempo. Estuve en “el otro lado”. Hoy en día, da miedo ser blanco, ¿no? Un poco, ¿no? Bueno, a ti no te acusarán. Me entiendes. A los negros, nos resulta raro ver a los blancos pasar por algo así porque nosotros siempre lo vivimos. Todos mis héroes fueron asesinados por el gobierno o son agresores sexuales. Es triste. Lo sé. Ya lo vivimos. Como con Michael Jackson. ¿Recuerdan lo que decían de él? Jamás demostraron nada hasta su muerte, pero dijeron que había hecho cosas atroces. Vi un documental en el que hablaban de todo lo que Jackson supuestamente había hecho. Mientras enumeraban las acusaciones, mostraban fotos de su casa, el rancho Neverland. ¿Alguna vez vieron la casa de Jackson en la tele? Para resumir, los chicos tienen muchas cosas para hacer en esa casa. Vi toda la casa. Había animales exóticos, ruedas de la fortuna y carruseles. Cuanto más mostraban, más seguro estaba de algo: “No creo que Michael Jackson haya hecho las cosas de las que lo acusan”. Su casa no parecía sexual. Parecía… …que estaba presumiendo. No parecía querer cogerse a los niños, sino impresionarlos. Era como el Jay-Z de los niños. Iba por la casa diciendo: “Esta es mi máquina de algodón de azúcar. Fabrica tres toneladas por día. Coman todo el algodón que quieran. Este armario está repleto de zapatillas de karate. ¿No es increíble? ¿Le pido a mi mono que traiga más pastelitos? Oigan, miremos una película. ¿Cuál quieren ver? ¿Mi pobre angelito? No toques el reproductor de DVD. Aquí está Macaulay Culkin. La actuará. Vamos, Macaulay. Actúa la película para mis invitados”. Y los chicos decían: “Vaya, no es mal tipo, señor. Qué bien. Teníamos una impresión equivocada de usted”. “¿Una impresión equivocada? ¿Qué quieres decir?”. “Bueno, ya sabe. Pensábamos que haría lo normal. Creíamos que nos haría pasar, nos daría alcohol y nos chuparía el pene”. “¿Qué? ¿Chuparles el pene? Qué asco, maricas. No quería chuparles el pene. Quería mostrarles una vida mejor. Bubbles, echa a estos chicos de mi casa. Son como todos los demás”. Hollywood no es el lugar indicado para el absolutismo moral. ¿Saben de qué hablo? No debemos olvidar… …que R. Kelly orinó a una niña de 15 años. Y también escribió “I believe I can fly”. Fue el mismo tipo durante la misma vida. Si les mostrara el video en el que orina a la chica y pusiera “I believe I can fly” de fondo, estarían en un dilema. ♪ Solía pensar que no podía seguir ♪ No sabrían cómo sentirse. ♪ Si puedo verlo ♪ Todo bien. Mi carrera terminó hace muchos años. Orden. Sé que soy terrible. Lo siento mucho. Perdón. ¿Quieren saber qué me ocurrió? Es tentador, pero no quiero hablar del tema. Quizá al final. Cuando me quede sin temas de conversación. De hecho, ya casi me quedé sin temas. Solo intento contarles que lo que me sucedió no fue… No pasé un buen momento. No sé qué creen que sucede cuando alguien renuncia a un programa exitoso, pero no te dicen: “Suerte en tus próximos proyectos”. Eso no sucede. Lo pasé mal. Tuve que presenciar cómo todo seguía sin mí. Vi a muchos hacer mi programa. Key & Peele . Amy Schumer.  Mind of Mencia. Bueno, no hacían mi programa, pero había muchas similitudes. Estaba enojado. De vez en cuando, alguien se me acercaba en la calle… La mayoría me creía loco, pero algunos me decían: “Hiciste lo correcto. Eres mi héroe”. “No quiero ser tu héroe. Quiero ser rico”. Nunca elijan ser héroes, porque los héroes tienen una muerte violenta. Yo quería ser como Paul Revere. Solo necesitaba un momento heroico. ¿Me entienden? La cabalgata de Paul Revere solo duró una noche. Y luego estuvo 40 años diciendo: “¿Recuerdan esa noche que todos dormían, menos yo, y nos atacaron los británicos? Qué bueno que yo estaba despierto o todos estarían muertos”. Por eso quiero empezar una colecta para Colin Kaepernick. En serio. Me fascina. No quiero que necesite volver a jugar fútbol. Que juegue si quiere, pero que no tenga la necesidad. ¿Por qué no hacerlo? Sé que es rico, así que nadie querrá donarle dinero, pero deberían. Deberían porque ese tipo tenía una vida genial. Tiene la piel tan clara, que ni pasa por negro. Sin embargo, se arrodilló por nosotros durante el himno. Pensó en nosotros cuando la vida le sonreía y ganaba bien. No pensó en nada, ni en su sustento, y lo privaron de él. No debería ser así. Cualquiera que defiende a otro siempre recibe una paliza, mientras nosotros miramos. Miramos cómo sucede una y otra vez. Deberíamos pagarles por tomar medidas, porque ellos mejoran nuestra vida. Podríamos cambiar la historia y lograr que uno de ellos obtenga un buen resultado por hacer lo correcto. Así otra persona tendrá la valentía de hacer lo correcto. Si lo hiciéramos, tipos como Weinstein no violarían durante 40 años porque una mujer quiere un papel de mierda. Deberíamos ayudarnos entre nosotros, para que ocurra algo como: “¿Recuerdan cuando iba a matar a Jesús, pero luego le dieron dinero?”. Hablo en serio. No es una cuestión racial. Se trata de mejorar la sociedad. Se trata de las mujeres que hacen estas denuncias. Muchas de ellas son valientes. Pero algunas, unas pocas, chuparon penes y luego se arrepintieron. Esa es una gran omisión. Esto no habría llegado tan lejos si ninguna hubiese aceptado. No se les puede pedir a todas que luchen. Algunas pueden cargar con más que otras. Debemos luchar por los demás. Debemos perdonar a los más débiles y apoyar a los más fuertes para solucionar el problema. Si seguimos atacando a individuos, el sistema seguirá intacto. Deben tener hombres de su lado. Les diré que tendrán muchos aliados imperfectos. Les diré lo que ocurrió, pero no puedo ser directo. Hay un libro que, a mi parecer, condensa toda mi experiencia antes de irme del espectáculo. El libro se llama Pimp. Lo escribió un tipo llamado Iceberg Slim. Sí, tráelo. Él es Matthew. Matthew es francés y blanco. Aun así, tiene una copia original de este libro, escrito por un estadounidense negro, un proxeneta en los años cuarenta. Iceberg Slim. Su nombre verdadero era Robert Beck. Lo apodaron Iceberg porque un día hubo un tiroteo en un bar de Chicago, una bala le atravesó el sombrero, y él igual terminó su trago. Le dijeron: “Eres frío como el hielo”. Y dijo: “Me gusta esa idea”. Y le quedó el apodo. Es un libro muy pesado. Tiene un glosario de términos de proxenetas porque sus ideas nos resultarían muy extrañas ahora. Por ejemplo… ¿Saben qué es el “kilometraje de una puta”? Claro que no. Es un concepto muy loco. Significa que el proxeneta entiende que la gente puede hacer cierta cantidad de cosas malas antes de volverse loca. Un buen proxeneta detecta el kilometraje de cualquier mujer tan solo con mirarla. “Puede soportar 500 cogidas más”. Ese es su kilometraje. Si supera esa cantidad, se volverá loca. Les hacen lo mismo a ustedes. ¿Por qué creen que la mayoría trabaja de nueve a cinco? Si fuera hasta las seis, podrían morir. Iceberg Slim es el que explicó qué significa ser la “puta principal”. ¿Alguien sabe qué es? ¿Qué es, señor? Es la mejor de todas las prostitutas. Es la que da más dinero. Así es. Exactamente. ¿Eres negro? Sí, la puta principal es la favorita del proxeneta, hasta lo ayuda a mantener a raya a las demás prostitutas. Lo repetiré. Hasta lo ayuda a mantener a raya a las demás prostitutas. Si McDonald’s fuera el proxeneta, las papas serían la puta principal. El resto de las putas serían los sándwiches de pescado y esas mierdas. Iceberg analiza algunos de los conceptos más fríamente capitalistas que jamás oí. Describe en detalle cómo los hombres quiebran a las mujeres para que ellas les den el dinero que ganan con la venta de su cuerpo. Aquí hay una historia tan cruda que me hace estremecer. Iceberg intenta doblegar a una mujer que le resulta incontrolable. Le pregunta cómo controlarla a una puta más vieja, y ella le responde: “Es fácil, Iceberg. Lo único que debes hacer es darle con una percha. Luego prepárale un baño y dale unas pastillas. Estará tan agradecida por tu ayuda que olvidará que tú fuiste el hijo de puta que la lastimó en primer lugar”. Ese es un relato muy cruel. En fin. Al final del libro, Iceberg cuenta otra historia. Es el punto culminante del libro. En esa historia, su puta principal estaba por llegar al final de su kilometraje. Si podía soportar 500 cogidas, iba por la 498. Se notaba que se estaba volviendo loca. Decía cosas como: “Siempre quise trabajar en el circo”. “¿El circo? Se está volviendo loca”. “También sé hacer malabarismos”. “¿Qué?”. Debía dejarla ir. Es difícil dejar ir a una puta principal. No estaba listo. Su organización no podía darse el lujo de perderla, pero ella no lo sabía. No sabía lo importante que era. Así que se reunió con ella en una cafetería. Le dijo: “Escúchame, perra. Debemos separarnos”. “Está bien, desgraciado. No te necesito. Tengo contactos en Ringling Brothers”. “Como digas. Te tengo un último trabajo. De mucho dinero. Haz este último trabajo. Cobramos el dinero y nos despedimos”. “Está bien. ¿Qué quieres que haga?”. “En el hotel de enfrente, hay un tipo que te espera en la habitación siete. Quiero que vayas y te lo cojas. Pero antes, métele esto en su bebida. Se quedará dormido. Cuando se duerma, busca un maletín debajo de la cama y tráemelo. Ese es el trabajo. ¿Puedes hacerlo?”. “Claro que sí. Estoy ansiosa por deshacerme de ti”. Salió corriendo, se subió a un monociclo y cruzó la calle. Iceberg la miró y pensó: “Es muy buena. Si no le hubiera acabado en la cara, quizá ahora trabajaría en el circo”. La puta subió las escaleras y desapareció en la habitación. Estuvo allí dentro durante mucho tiempo, demasiado. Tardó tanto que Iceberg empezó a preocuparse, pero al rato apareció de la nada. “¿Qué ocurre? ¿Y el maletín?”. “No lo conseguí”. “¿Cómo puede ser? ¿Qué te ocurre?”. “Hice todo lo que me dijiste, pero el tipo no se veía bien. Ocurrió algo malo”. “¿A qué te refieres? ¿Le pusiste lo que te di?”. “Sí. Hice lo que me dijiste. Le puse todo en la bebida”. “Espera un minuto. ¿Le pusiste todo el frasco?”. Tuvo que ir a revisar. Entraron juntos en el motel y fueron a la habitación siete. En la cama, sin vida, yacía el blanco que ella debía cogerse. Iceberg dijo: “Tienes razón. No se ve bien. ¿Qué diablos hiciste?”. Entonces, llamó a un amigo médico que estaba cerca. El médico entró, revisó bien al tipo y les dijo lo que era obvio: “Slim, el tipo está muerto”. “Dios mío, papi. Por Dios, ¡no! Lo matamos”. Él le dijo: “Tranquilízate. Nosotros no hicimos nada. Tú mataste a este tipo”. Luego, sacó el maletín de abajo de la cama y lo abrió. Estaba repleto de dinero, más del que jamás habían visto. Iceberg tomó un poco y se lo dio al médico, quien se fue discretamente. “Déjame pensar, perra. Puedo solucionar esto. Sé a quiénes puedo llamar. Pero, si los llamo, les deberé un favor muy grande”. “Por favor, papi. No quiero ir presa”. “Yo tampoco. ¿Podrías callarte?”. Hizo una llamada. Murmuró un rato al teléfono y luego colgó. Ella caminaba de un lado al otro, mientras que él esperaba tranquilo. De repente, se detuvo una camioneta en la puerta. Se bajaron dos hombres con una alfombra. Extendieron la alfombra sobre el piso y arrojaron el cuerpo sobre ella. Enrollaron el cuerpo como un burrito y lo metieron dentro de la camioneta. Cuando volvieron, Iceberg volvió a abrir el maletín, les dio dinero y dijo: “Más tarde los llamaré”. Respondieron: “No. Nosotros te encontraremos”. “Como digan”. Y los hombres se fueron. “Por Dios, papi. Dios mío”. “Tranquilízate, perra. Debemos largarnos de aquí. Baja y busca el auto. Debemos salir separados”. Ella bajó y buscó el auto. Iceberg tomó el maletín, esperó unos minutos, miró por la ventana y bajó con ella. Ambos se subieron al auto y se fueron. Ella estaba destrozada. “Hicimos una cagada…”. “Ya te lo dije. No hicimos nada. Tú lo mataste, y yo me deshice del problema. Ahora compartimos un secreto, ¿sí? Sé que yo no diré nada. ¿Y tú?”. “No, no diré nada”. “No te preocupes. Debes quedarte conmigo hasta que todo se tranquilice”. “Sí. Está bien. Bueno”. Ese fue el engaño. Así funciona esa mierda. ¿Entendieron? La puta ya no daba más. Había llegado a las 498 cogidas, pero trabajó seis meses más para Iceberg. Debe de haber hecho 200 trabajos más. ¿Lo entienden? Es una porquería. Lo más cruel es que el tipo muerto ni siquiera estaba muerto. Era un amigo de Iceberg que se hizo el dormido. El médico no era tal. Era un carnicero con una bata blanca. Los tipos que llegaron en la camioneta eran de una compañía de mudanzas. Iceberg se había comprado un apartamento nuevo. En cuanto al maletín con dinero, siempre le perteneció a Iceberg. Era el dinero que obtuvo de esas mujeres. Fue un engaño muy cruel. Ese es el manifiesto capitalista de mierda, y por eso me fui a Sudáfrica. Así que ahora compartimos un secreto. [“Revelations”] ♪ And “cc” a central bank ♪ ♪ Loose change body slamming Big money tanks ♪ ♪ We tell God thanks ♪ ♪ Ya’ll tellin’ us that God don’t rank ♪ ♪ That’s why your breath stank, yuck! ♪ ♪ Lay off the bacon and the smokes ♪ ♪ Quit laying off the good working folks ♪ ♪ Quit the hoax ♪ ♪ And lay off the corny color jokes ♪ ♪ Corn chili to populate A color is woke ♪ ♪ Ya big dope, yuck! ♪ ♪ Keep ’em out your face Keep ’em in your prayers ♪ ♪ Either that Or keep ’em in the crosshairs ♪ ♪ Better still Keep an even dose of each ♪ ♪ ‘Cause until you get justice You won’t get peace ♪ ♪ Peace, peace, peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The gunshot that said ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ They shout peace, peace, peace ♪ ♪ The firefight lit, ba-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-day ♪ ♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-day, hey! ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Killers just killing Don’t know what they kill for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ Can I get better? Don’t know what that’s for ♪ ♪ And more ♪ ♪ Rumors and rumors and rumors of war ♪ ♪ War ♪ ♪ Revelations ♪ Don’t stop. Keep on. I’m rich, beyotch!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DAVE CHAPPELLE: EQUANIMITY (2017) – Transcripción completa

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-equanimity-2017-transcripcion-completa/

Original English transcript here [“Killing Me Softly with His Song”] ♪ I heard he sang a good song ♪ ♪ I heard he had a style ♪ ♪ And so I came to see him To listen for a while ♪ ♪ And there he was This young boy ♪ ♪ A stranger to my eyes ♪ ♪ Strumming my pain With his fingers ♪ ♪ Singing my life with his words ♪ ♪ Killing me softly with his song ♪ [Dave Chappelle] Volví aquí, donde empecé, porque esta noche filmaré mi último especial de Netflix. Así es. Y luego de esta mierda… …es hora de que EE. UU. vuelva a esperar. Me fue demasiado bien. Ser negro y que te vaya bien en el mundo del espectáculo, da miedo. Debes largarte del casino antes de empezar a perder dinero. Si no te vas, puede sucederte lo mismo que a Kevin Hart. Ya saben. Es mi amigo, y si publicaron un video sexual suyo… …es cuestión de tiempo para que me ocurra lo mismo. A veces pienso en dejar la comedia y ya saben… No quiero parecer fanfarrón, pero realmente quiero dejarla porque soy muy buen comediante. Soy genial. Ni siquiera estoy exagerando. No es emocionante. Cada noche, antes de salir al escenario, pienso: “Sé que saldrá bien”. Y siempre sale bien. Soy tan bueno escribiendo chistes que… Y no es una exageración. Escribo los chistes al revés. Escribo el remate sin pensar el contexto. Lo escribo en un pedazo de papel, que luego arrojo en una pecera. En casa, tengo una pecera repleta de remates al azar. Cada tanto, la sacudo, meto la mano, saco un papel y veo si puedo hacer funcionar esa mierda. Tomé uno para este especial. No es un remate fácil de usar. ¿Están listos? Sí. Aquí va. Les diré el remate. “Así que le pateé la concha”. Aún no dije el chiste. Sin importar cómo empiece el chiste, al final, por algún motivo… …le patearé la concha a alguien, y será muy gracioso. ¿Saben qué es lo raro? Siempre fui muy talentoso. No recuerdo no haberlo sido. De pequeño, cuando tenía alrededor de ocho años, vivíamos en Silver Spring. Sí. Sí. Una idea errada que se tiene sobre mí es que creen que me crié en el gueto. No es cierto. Pero nunca me preocupé por corregirlos… …porque quería que la calle me acogiera. De hecho, conservé la mentira como artimaña. A veces me junto con raperos, como Nas y otros, y los desgraciados hablan de los complejos. “La vida en los complejos era salvaje”. Respondo: “Tienes razón”, pero en realidad no lo sé. No tengo idea. Mis padres ganaban lo suficiente como para vivir en la pobreza rodeados de blancos. Para ser sincero, cuando hablaban de los complejos, solía ponerme celoso. Sonaba divertido. Todos los que vivían allí eran pobres. Era justo. Si eras pobre en Silver Spring, sentías que eras el único. Nas no conoce el dolor… …de la primera piyamada en la casa de un amigo blanco. Cuando vuelves a casa, miras a tus padres como diciendo: “Tienen que mejorar. En la casa de Timmy, todo funciona”. ¿Recuerdan la primera vez que vieron eso? Era un crudo invierno y, dentro de la casa de un amigo blanco, vi que nadie usaba abrigo. Timmy fue uno de mis primeros amigos blancos. Era buen chico. Hay tantos lugares y se muda desde Utah a Silver Spring. Supongo que su familia estaba afiliada a la iglesia mormona que hay allí. Solía juntarme con él. Un día, estábamos en su casa, y me dijo: “¿Por qué no te quedas a cenar?”. “Cielos, me encantaría, pero no puedo. Si no vuelvo antes de que oscurezca, mi mamá me matará”. Era mentira. Mi mamá tenía varios trabajos. Hacía cuatro días que no la veía. El único motivo por el que le mentí es que, en ese momento de mi vida, pensaba que la comida blanca no era deliciosa. Prefería ir a casa y freír una salchicha o algo así. Pero luego Timmy dijo algo que no me esperaba: “Qué mal que no te puedas quedar, Dave. Mamá preparó relleno Stove Top”. “¿Qué mierda dices? ¿Stove Top? Espera. Permíteme hacer unas llamadas”. Había visto los anuncios tantas veces que soñaba con probar ese relleno. Al fin había conocido a alguien que había comprado una caja. No podía perder la oportunidad, así que fingí que llamaba a mi mamá. Luego volví y dije: “Timmy, es increíble. Buenas noticias. Mi mamá me dio permiso”. Respondió: “Fantástico. Acompáñame, ayúdame a poner la mesa y luego diremos una oración”. No tenía ningún interés en poner la mesa de este desgraciado ni en decir una oración mormona loca. Solo quería el maldito relleno. Así que dije: “Me encantaría, pero primero iré a lavarme las manos”. Mi plan era sencillo. Pensaba lavarme lentamente, para que, al terminar, la mesa ya estuviera puesta y la oración dicha, y solo faltara comer. Fui al baño. Me lavé las manos muy lentamente. Habré tardado unos diez minutos. Y de repente una de sus madres se me acercó. Me dijo: “Hola. Te llamas David, ¿no?”. “Sí, señora”. “Timmy me dijo que piensas quedarte a cenar”. “Espero que no sea problema”. “No es problema. Nos encantaría que te quedaras. Pero no esperábamos compañía. Me temo… …que no tenemos suficiente relleno Stove Top… …para todos”. Así que le pateé la concha. Señoras y señores… …les dije que soy genial. Les dije que lo diría, y aun así no se lo vieron venir. Por eso gano millones. Dios mío. Pero hay un motivo más importante por el cual dejaría la comedia. Es el verdadero motivo, que se estuvo propagando. Hablo del público. No de ustedes. Hablo del público a nivel general. Es muy difícil entretener a un país que tiene oídos tan frágiles. Todos son tan sensibles que se convirtieron en criticones de mierda. Todo lo que decimos molesta a alguien. Recuerdo cuándo empezó. Cuando hacía el Chappelle’s Show. Cuando hacía el programa… Además del programa, los fines de semana, daba conciertos. En uno de los conciertos, había una pareja hermosa en primera fila. La mujer era claramente asiática. Te dabas cuenta por la cara. El marido… Ese desgraciado era un misterio, por no decir otra cosa. No sabía de dónde era. Tenía piel color caramelo y pelo bonito. Podía ser de cualquier lado, Bangladesh, México. Era imposible de adivinar. Lo único que sabía con seguridad… …es que su mujer era una perra. También se le notaba en la cara. Él se reía y se divertía, mientras que ella miraba el espectáculo con el ceño fruncido. No entendía por qué. Hasta que, en un momento, noté que estaba embarazada. Yo estaba fumando en el escenario. Pensé: “De seguro está enojada por eso”. Empecé a apagar el cigarrillo, pero luego la oí hacer la típica tos falsa de los no fumadores. Así que seguí fumando y pensé: “No le pasará nada al bebé, perra”. Luego, para romper la tensión, le pregunté: “¿De dónde son?”. Noté que quería hacerme caer. Me respondió con condescendencia. “Soy de California. Si preguntas mi origen étnico… …soy china”. El marido se lo tomó bien. Respondió: “Soy mexicano, amigo”. “Disculpen si los ofendí con la pregunta, pero son una pareja hermosa. Señora, sin dudas dará a luz al bebé más trabajador que jamás exista”. No es un chiste malo. Se enojó mucho. Se levantó para irse, pero, antes de salir, me lanzó un último comentario: “Nunca volveré a comprar uno de tus putos DVD, Dave Chappelle”. Respondí: “Señora, con todo respeto… …los chinos no compran DVD”. El público enloqueció. Todos nos reímos y divertimos. No le di importancia. Tres días después, esta mujer le envió una puta carta a mi promotor pidiéndole que no me reservara más espectáculos porque, según ella, soy racista. Además… La citaré: “Fue insensible a la índole de mi matrimonio interracial”. Pensé: “¿En serio, perra?”. Si hubiese investigado un poco, sabría que mi matrimonio también es interracial. Así es. De hecho, mi mujer también es asiática. Sorpresa, perra. Nos vemos en Acción de Gracias. Pero mi mujer no es china. Es filipina. Así es. Y nuestros hijos parecen puertorriqueños. No me molesta el matrimonio interracial. De hecho, mi mamá es mitad blanca. Hay muchos que no lo saben. Se entusiasmaron demasiado, pero está bien. Muchos no me creen, pero es verdad. En mi apariencia, no se nota. Pero si me dejara crecer el pelo… …pensarían que están en un concierto de Katt Williams. Mi pelo es hermoso. Pero los cabrones van demasiado lejos. No se por qué o cómo todos se volvieron tan sensibles. ¿Saben quiénes me odian más? Los transgénero. Sí. No sabía que me odiaban tanto. Esos desgraciados… Me enojé mucho por el último especial de Netflix. Es difícil. No sé qué hacer, porque a mí me caen bien. Siempre me cayeron bien. Ya saben. Solo bromeo. De hecho, creo que me burlo de todo el mundo. Como grupo, deben admitir… …que es muy gracioso. Lo siento, amigos. Nunca vi a nadie en un aprieto tan gracioso que no se lo haya tomado con humor. Nacen sintiendo que son de otro sexo, no del sexo con el que nacieron. Es bastante gracioso. Al menos, si no te ocurre a ti. Como esa mujer blanca y negra que sale en las noticias. Rachel Dolezal. Siempre lo dice, que es… Es blanca, pero se vestía de negra. Subió y llegó a la cima de la negrura. Siempre quise conocerla para poder entenderlo. Solo quiero cenar con ella para mirarla a los ojos… …y llamarla “negra” a la cara. ¿De qué mierda habla? “Me identifico como negra”. Eso dicen los transgénero. No saques tajada. No saques tajada. Hay una gran diferencia entre ella y los transgénero. A los transgénero, les creo. Tampoco los entiendo, pero sé que hablan en serio. Se cortan el pene. No necesito más pruebas. Nunca vi a nadie arrojar su pene: “No lo necesito”. No los entiendo, pero les creo y apoyo su decisión, cabrones. Pero ¿hasta dónde está dispuesta a llegar Rachel? ¿Qué está dispuesta a hacer para que los negros aceptemos que realmente se cree una de nosotros? ¿Estás dispuesta a embargar tu casa… …para invertir en música que probablemente no rinda frutos? Ni siquiera se cambió el nombre. Ni siquiera se cambió el nombre. Se llama Rachel. No puedo creerle con ese nombre. Si quieres mi apoyo, cámbiatelo por la mierda más negra que jamás he oído. Debes cambiártelo por Draymond Green. No conozco un nombre más negro. Es negro hasta por escrito. Si escriben “Draymond Green” en Airbnb… …se les cerrará la sesión automáticamente. La gente se enoja. Se enojan por todo lo que digo. Di un espectáculo en Portland, Oregón. Me registré en el hotel bajo el nombre Charles Edward Cheese. A la noche, volví a mi habitación… …y encontré una nota, como una carta, sobre el escritorio. Estaba dirigida al Sr. Cheese. Por supuesto, supuse que el remitente era un amigo íntimo. Era imposible que alguien adivinara ese nombre. Pero, al abrir la carta, noté que no conocía al remitente. Era de un admirador. No me acostumbro a la idea de que tengo admiradores, pero me siento agradecido. Y aunque agradezca a los admiradores… …no leo sus cartas. Sería bueno que las leyera, pero para ser realista: ¿Acaso soy Papá Noel? No tengo tiempo. Quiero hacer otra mierda, como relajarme. No quiero leer deseos de extraños. Pero la leí. Ya la había abierto, así que la leí. ¿Y saben qué? Quien la haya escrito realmente me quiere. Me escribió con mucha amabilidad. Me describió lo que sintió al ver mi espectáculo, lo entusiasmado que estaba y lo mucho que se divirtió. Pero luego me dijo que cuando empecé con las bromas de transgéneros, y lo citaré: “quedó desconsolado”. Al parecer, el remitente era transgénero. Hablaré en serio un segundo. Deben entender que, como norma, nunca me siento mal por nada de lo que digo aquí arriba. Jamás lo admitiría si no les hubiera quitado el celular. Pero fue muy extraño, porque cuando leí la carta… …me sentí mal. No me sentí mal por lo que dije. Me sentí mal por haber hecho sentir mal a alguien. Para ser sincero, no sé qué dije para ofenderlo. Sé muchos chistes de transgéneros. Pero creo… Creo que probablemente hablaba de este chiste que les voy a contar. Perdón. No es un chiste tan malo. Es un chiste verdadero. Bueno, no. Leí en el periódico que Caitlyn Jenner estaba pensando posar desnuda en un número de Sports Illustrated. Sé que no es políticamente correcto decir algo así, pero pensé: “A la mierda. Lo diré por todos los demás”. Qué asco. A veces, solo quiero leer las estadísticas. ¿Por qué quieren agregar la concha de un hombre en una revista deportiva? No me parece el lugar correcto. Pero no dije que Caitlyn Jenner fuera mala persona. No me enojo con ella ni con Sports Illustrated. Si me enojo con alguien… …es conmigo mismo. ¿Me entienden? Porque, en el fondo, sé que no tengo la fortaleza… …para evitar mirar esas fotos. Y no creo estar listo para ver lo que ella quiere mostrar. Así que Caitlyn… Por Dios, si aceptas hacerlo… …más vale que lo hagas bien. Quiero que muestres todo. Como en la revista Hustler. ¿Me entiende, señora? Hablo de separar los labios… Espero que abra los labios y se vea un pequeño pene adentro. El espectáculo está detrás del telón. No sé por qué esa persona se ofendió. Pero les diré algo. Cuando terminé de leer la carta, en ese mismo momento, hice algo que muchos negros en los Estados Unidos no tienen tiempo o dinero para hacer. Pensé en cómo me sentía. Me hice una pregunta básica que creo que nunca había considerado: “Dave, si escribiste todos esos chistes, ¿tienes algún problema con los transgénero?”. Y la respuesta es por supuesto que no. ¿Quién mierda creen que soy? No entiendo todas las decisiones que toman las personas. Pero entiendo que la vida es difícil y que esas decisiones no te impiden vivir con dignidad, felicidad y seguridad. Pero para ser sincero… …mi problema nunca fue con los transgénero, sino con el diálogo sobre los transgénero. Creo que estas cosas no deberían discutirse frente a los negros. Es insultante escucharlos hablar de cómo se sienten en su interior. ¿Desde cuándo a EE. UU. le importa cómo nos sentimos en el interior? No puedo quitarme de encima la horrible sospecha de que el único motivo por el que se habla de los transgénero es que los hombres blancos quieren serlo. Así es. Lo dije. Si solo las mujeres se sintieran así, o si solo los negros y los mexicanos dijeran: “Me siento mujer”, nos dirían: “Cállate. Nadie te preguntó. Vamos. Debemos cosechar fresas”. Apesta al privilegio de los blancos. ¿No se preguntan por qué a Jenner le resultó más fácil cambiarse el género que a Cassius Clay cambiarse el puto nombre? Y si soy crudamente sincero… Adelante, Dave. …el único motivo por el cual me enojé con los transgénero es que, en un club de Los Ángeles, bailé con uno de ellos durante seis canciones seguidas. No tenía idea. Luego se encendieron las luces, le vi los nudillos y dije: “¡No!”. Todos se rieron de mí. “¡Pelea!”. Pregunté: “¿Por qué no me dijiste nada?”. Luego oí su voz seductora. “No dije nada, Dave Chappelle, porque lo estaba pasando maravilloso… …y no estaba segura de qué opinarías”. “Ya sabías lo que opinaría”. Me dijo: “Me iré a casa. No quiero problemas contigo”. Respondí: “¿A casa? Solo quedan dos canciones. Bien podríamos… …terminar la noche”. Terminamos desayunando juntos. Maduren. Eso no significa que yo sea gay. Me hice una paja con sus tetas. Tenía tetas tan reales como cualquiera en Los Ángeles. Eran las dos de la mañana. Solo me froté con un extraño. Es la locura de la juventud. Uno comete ese tipo de errores de joven. Ni siquiera sé si fue un error. Solo fue una noche loca. Pero ya no lo hago. Estoy viejo. Ahora tengo 44. Sí. Es la primera vez en la vida que siento la edad en el físico. Se siente. Es difícil. ¿Saben cómo lo sé? Me da vergüenza decirlo. Estaba en la habitación de un hotel. No mentiré. Me estaba haciendo la paja. Me la estaba haciendo con ganas. ¿Y cómo supe que estaba viejo? Me rendí en el proceso, como si nada hubiera pasado. Ya no me gusta mirarme el pene. Tiene aspecto distinguido. Es un pene viejo. Se ve viejo. Está rodeado de pelo entrecano. Mi pene se parece a Morgan Freeman en los noventa. Sin las pecas. Mi pene narra: “Dave me sacó y empezó a pajearme. Me pajeó. Pero con menos vigor que en su juventud. Ambos supimos que no saldría nada”. Veo mi edad reflejada en mis hijos. Hace poco, llegué a casa luego de un viaje. Para que se lo imaginen, me había ido durante varias semanas. Cuando llegué, no había nadie en casa. Nadie de mi familia pensó que quizá querría verlo. Sabían cuándo volvería, pero igual nadie me estaba esperando. Fue un llamado a la realidad. Cuando mis hijos eran pequeños y yo llegaba luego de una gira, los desgraciados se me acercaban corriendo. “¡Llegó papá! ¡Viva!”. Me abrazaban y me besaban. Con el paso de los años, fueron perdiendo el interés. “Miren todos. El Sr. Promesas volvió de su viaje”. Pero ¿la casa vacía? Cuánta frialdad. Entré en la habitación de mi hijo mayor: “¿Hola?”. No estaba. Nunca le había hecho algo así, pero esta vez lo hice. Revisé sus cosas. Solo quería averiguar en quién se estaba convirtiendo. Encontré unos cuadernos y empecé a revisarlos. Estaban repletos de poemas increíbles. Era su letra. Ni siquiera sabía que escribía poemas. Luego le revisé los cajones. Abrí el del medio… …y encontré papel de fumar. Miré el papel y me di cuenta: “De aquí viene la poesía”. Se me rompió el corazón. Yo fumo marihuana, pero lamenté la pérdida de la inocencia de mi hijo. Lloré un poco. Me llevé el papel a mi habitación. Armé un porro con marihuana que tenía oculta y me drogué mucho. Luego me puse paranoico, así que dejé el papel en el mismo lugar… …para que no supiera lo que había hecho. No lo sabrá hasta que vea este especial. Sí, amigo, encontré el papel de fumar. Es un tipo muy frío. Solo tiene 16 años, y oigan lo que me hizo. El desgraciado me llamó en la madrugada, a la una de la mañana: “Papá, no te enojes”. Sabía que había ocurrido algo muy malo. Dije: “¿Qué ocurre?”. Respondió: “Estoy bien. Recuerda que me pediste que te llamara. Estoy en una fiesta, y mi conductor designado bebió mucho alcohol. Necesitamos que nos vengas a buscar”. Dije: “¡Por Dios! ¡Es la una de la mañana! ¡Estoy completamente ebrio!”. Pero luego pensé: “Mejor yo que un niño. ¿Por qué no jugármela y pasarlo a buscar?”. Así que dije: “Iré a buscarte. Dime la dirección y voy”. Cuando me dijo la dirección, me sorprendí. “Hijo, aunque no lo creas… …estoy en la misma fiesta”. Crecen rápido, ¿no? ¿Puedo preguntarles algo? No quiero que se incomoden. No es obligatorio que respondan. Si sale mal, lo editaremos. ¿Les resulta extraño ser los únicos blancos de la fila? Es decir, sean sinceros. ¿Se siente extraño? ¿Están preocupados? ¡Dame tu dinero! Es una broma. Tiene hielo en las venas. Ni siquiera parpadeó. Como muchos negros de mi edad, la primera vez que voté fue hace ocho años. Sí. Vi a Obama en la televisión y dije: “Votaré a ese negro”. Recuerdo el día que voté a Obama. Voté en Ohio. Mi voto importa en Ohio porque es un estado indeciso. Pero, cuando fui a votar, vi a todos los soldados en fila. Había tantos negros en esa puta cola que ni sabía que era para votar. Pensé que era para cobrar cheques. Nos abrazamos entre todos. Los ancianos cantaban himnos, canciones religiosas y demás. Era como el veredicto de O. J. multiplicado por diez. Nunca vi a negros tan contentos. Ocho años después, volví a ir a votar. Esta vez, en un Porsche nuevo, porque los años de Obama me trataron muy bien. Llegué temprano a votar. Cuando bajaba del auto, comprendí algo que al resto del país le llevaría una semana entender: que Donald Trump sería el siguiente presidente, porque en Ohio, a diferencia de Washington, ya se veía el resultado en el estacionamiento. Estaba lleno de camionetas y tractores. Empecé a caminar y vi una cola muy larga… …de blancos polvorientos. Sí, señoras y señores. Hablo de los blancos pobres. Les diré que nunca en la vida tuve problemas con los blancos, pero para ser transparente… …los pobres son los que menos me gustan. Traen muchos problemas. Nunca había visto a tantos de cerca. Los miré fijo a la cara cubierta de carbón. Y me sorprendí. ¿Saben qué no vi? No vi ni una cara deplorable en el grupo. Vi caras enojadas y otras decididas, pero parecía gente decente. En serio. No miento. No quiero parecer loco, pero me dieron pena. Conozco el juego. Sé que los blancos ricos llaman “basura” a los blancos pobres. El único motivo por el que lo sé es que el año pasado gané tanto dinero, que los blancos ricos me lo dijeron en una fiesta. No estoy de acuerdo con eso. Hice la cola con ellos, como todos debemos hacer en democracia. Nadie se cuela para votar. Y los escuché. Los escuché decir ingenuidades típicas de blancos pobres. “Donald Trump irá a Washington y luchará por nosotros”. Mientras tanto, yo pensaba: “Eres un desgraciado, imbécil. Eres pobre. Está luchando por mí”. Todos me miraron. Sabían a quién votaría, tal como yo sabía a quién votarían ellos. Pero ¿saben qué teníamos todos en común? Ni uno solo de nosotros parecía sentirse a gusto con lo que debíamos hacer en la cabina. Solo cumplíamos nuestro deber. Sí, voté a Hillary Clinton. Por supuesto. La voté porque lo que ella decía me gustaba mucho más que lo que él decía. Para ser sincero, en ese momento, era como ver a Darth Vader pronunciar el discurso “Tengo un sueño”. Esa perra es malvada. Ya había arrojado a Sanders al suelo con un golpe a lo  Karate Kid. Cielos, era difícil votar esa mierda. Pero era el mal menor. Sé que apoyaba a Clinton, señora. Lamento decirlo así. No me sentí mal por votarla, pero tampoco me sentí bien, como debería. Iba a ser la primera presidenta. Iban a acuñar monedas con su cara. Y de alguna manera, perdió. Claro que debería haberle ganado. ¿Saben qué sentí al votarla? Un sabor agridulce. Me sentí lo suficientemente afortunado como para comerle la concha a Halle Berry, pero fue como si, en el medio del asunto, me hubiera tirado un pedo en la cara. Se imaginarán que igual lo haría. Pero desearía que no se hubiera tirado un pedo en la cara de nuestro país. Ese día voté y, al siguiente, viajé a Nueva York. Tenía trabajo. Esa noche, en un club de comediantes, le dije al público casi lo mismo que les dije a ustedes. No sabía que había un periodista presente. Este periodista escribió un artículo con el titular: “Dave Chappelle es un partidario ferviente de Trump”. Sí. No tenía idea del artículo. ¿Saben cómo me enteré? Al día siguiente, mi mujer me llamó en pánico desde Ohio. “David, ¿qué mierda… …ocurre en Nueva York?”. Dije: “Me porté bien, pero ¿qué escuchaste?”. Me respondió: “Según el periódico, eres partidario de Donald Trump”. Qué alivio. “No te preocupes por esa mierda. Nadie en su sano juicio creería eso”. Me dijo: “No, David. La gente lo cree”. Luego me empezó a leer los comentarios. Eran terribles. Los negros me llamaban tío Tom y cosas parecidas. Les diré que llamar así a otro negro es una acusación muy grave. Estaba indignado. “¿Tío Tom? ¿Yo soy el tío Tom? Tú eres quien lee el Observer”. En fin, ocurrió esa porquería. Llegó la noche del sábado, Trump ya era presidente, y yo presentaba  Saturday Night Live. No tenía el monólogo preparado. Simplemente, improvisé. Para cerrar, no recuerdo las palabras exactas, pero dije: “Históricamente, nos privaron del derecho al voto. Le daremos una oportunidad si él nos la da a nosotros”. No sé qué dije, pero sea lo que sea, desearía no haberlo dicho. No valía la pena. Ahora, cuando voy a la barbería, los negros me dicen: “Dave, ¿qué le ocurre a tu chico?”. “¡Oye, no! No es mi chico”. Más allá del partido o de si están a favor o en contra de él, cualquier persona objetiva debe admitir que este desgraciado lo está haciendo muy mal. En serio. Tuvimos otros presidentes que hicieron un mal trabajo, pero esta mierda es peor que eso. Da miedo verlo. Por Dios. Es como ver a tu conductor de Uber con una pipa de crack. ¿Qué mierda le pasa a este tipo? Oigan, está probando suerte. Observé a Donald Trump en una conferencia de prensa. El desgraciado reunió a todos los medios y literalmente les pidió a la cara que dejaran de averiguar cosas. Pensé: “¡Vaya! Este desgraciado está bromeando”. Y luego… No estoy inventando. Le empezaron a sudar los labios. ¡Los labios! ¿Alguna vez vieron algo así? ¿Qué mierda le pasa en los labios? Es como cuando volamos en avión. A mí me da miedo volar, aunque vuelo todo el tiempo. A veces, hay turbulencias. Me pongo nervioso, pero siempre miro a la azafata. Si la noto tranquila, me tranquilizo. Pero ¿a ese desgraciado le sudan los labios? Es aterrador. “¿Por qué te sudan los labios? ¿Qué sabes?”. Luego el desgraciado se sujetó al estrado y dijo: “No tienen idea de lo aterradores que son los informes que leo”. “Por Dios. No se supone que nos digas eso, amigo”. Implica mal liderazgo. Ni como padre le diría a mi hijo: “Oye, ven aquí. Rápido. Me quejaré un rato contigo. Debo tres meses de alquiler y estoy preocupado. Muy preocupado. Ahora ve a la escuela y ten un día productivo. Solo pensaba en voz alta. Quería desahogarme”. Es decir, ¿qué mierda haces, amigo? Es muy malo. Por Dios santo. Todas las ideas de este tipo parecen ideas de un drogado. Pareciera que no piensa las cosas antes de decirlas. Dice lo que piensa tan pronto como lo piensa. ¡Es una locura! “Iré a China. Le quitaré esos trabajos a China y los volveré a traer a Estados Unidos”. ¿Para qué? ¿Para que los iPhones cuesten $9000? Deja esos trabajos en China, donde pertenecen. Aquí nadie quiere trabajar tanto. ¿En qué mierda piensa? Quiero usar Nikes. No quiero fabricarlas. ¿Qué mierda estás haciendo? Deja de intentar darnos los trabajos de los chinos. “Volveré a traer el carbón”. ¿El carbón? No exagero. Nunca en la vida vi un trozo de carbón. Para ser sincero, ni siquiera sé para qué sirve. Si pondrás a personas a cavar en busca de alguna mierda, mejor pídeles que busquen trufas. El precio de las trufas se está descontrolando. Si sigue subiendo, deberé volver a comer mantequilla normal, como el resto. Es muy malo en su trabajo. El desgraciado amenaza a Corea del Norte como en batallas de rap: “Fuego y furia”. “¡Oye! ¿Qué estás haciendo?”. Estamos hablando de Corea. Kim Jong-un es terrorífico. Puede que esté tan loco como Trump. Da mucho miedo. Si son de esos ingenuos que creen que ganarle a Corea es fácil, se nota que no juegan al Call of Duty a las tres de la mañana como yo. Los coreanos juegan a esa hora. Anoche un coreano de ocho años venció a todo mi pelotón. Nunca vi a nadie en un puesto tan alto con soluciones tan básicas, como por ejemplo: “No debemos dejar entrar a ningún otro musulmán en el país hasta que averigüemos qué ocurre”. ¿Acaba de decir “hasta que averigüemos qué ocurre”? ¿Quién no sabe hacer cuentas? Contemos juntos, ¿sí? Hubo 17 tiroteos en masa en los Estados Unidos. Los musulmanes organizaron cuatro. Ninguno de ellos pertenecía a ninguno de los siete países que enumeraste en tu estúpida prohibición. Y ya que él lo mencionó, los blancos con antorchas tiki organizaron los otros 13 tiroteos. Son hechos. Yo no prohíbo la entrada de blancos en mi espectáculo para mantener a salvo al resto del público. Es una idea terrible, porque es cruel y racista. Y más importante aún… …arruinaría por completo mi recaudación. Si no hubiera blancos en el teatro, saldría de aquí con $1800. Este hombre necesita darse cuenta de que nos necesitamos. Por eso es que jamás podremos vencer a China, porque en Estados Unidos todos son racistas, mientras que, en China, todos son chinos. El desgraciado se equivocó. Tampoco les crean a los medios, porque mientras ocurre esto, los medios intentan hacernos creer que lo acostumbrado es estar en extremos opuestos. Podemos estar en desacuerdo. Está bien. La mayoría de nosotros mantenemos la calma frente a todo esto. ¿Me entienden? Los estadounidenses suelen respetar las creencias de los demás aunque no estén de acuerdo. En mi caso, es así, respeto las creencias de todos, salvo las de los menonitas. Es el único caso en el que puedo decir sin dudas: “Su dios está equivocado”. En Ohio, el límite de velocidad es de 120 kilómetros por hora, y ellos bloquean un carril con una puta calesa tirada por caballos. Oigan, su dios es ridículo. Todos los menonitas que se me cruzan me conocen. No de la televisión, por supuesto. Me conocen de la calle. Porque cuando los veo en sus calesas, detengo el Porsche para hablarles. “Ezekiel. ¿Estás seguro de que Dios no quiere que disfrutes de esta tecnología? No te oigo, amigo. Permíteme apagar el aire. ¿Qué dijiste?”. Y ellos me responden: “¡Aléjate de mí! Intentas tentarme como el diablo”. “¿El diablo? No, amigo. Intento enseñarte a vivir, Zeke. El mundo es muy grande. Recorrí 40 kilómetros en 30 minutos. Ese trayecto te lleva todo el día. Ni siquiera sabes cómo estará el clima mañana, ¿no? Yo sí. Ni siquiera sabes que tienes un Pokemon valioso detrás de ti. Hasta luego”. Y luego me voy. – Oye, el cigarrillo. – ¿Qué? Necesito ese cigarrillo. – ¿El electrónico? – Quiero una calada. ¿Quieres una calada? Disculpa, amigo. No quiero contagiarme de herpes. Hace 30 años que juego al gato y al ratón con el herpes. Siempre que voy al club, pienso: “Esta noche no, herpes”. No busco faltarte el respeto. No digo que tengas herpes. Pero una de cada cinco personas sí, así que tengamos cuidado con esa mierda y asegurémonos de irnos con los mismos labios con los que llegamos. A veces pienso que los medios son muy duros con Trump. Lo critican por cosas que no me parecen tan malas. Lo critican por no quedarse el tiempo suficiente en la Casa Blanca. ¿A quién mierda le importa? Es rico. Solía cagar en un retrete de oro. Es cierto. No sé si fueron a la Casa Blanca. Parece un buen sitio para trabajar, pero yo tampoco querría vivir en esa casa salida de Scooby-Doo. Tiene un aspecto aterrador. Imagínense intentar pajearse en la cama frente a la mirada de Lincoln. Bush tampoco se quedó. Él también era rico. Dijo: “A la mierda. Me iré a mi rancho en Texas”. Obama fue el primero en mudarse a la Casa Blanca y decir: “Es muy bonito. Miren esta alfombra”. Los medios lo criticaron por nombrar a Jared Kushner. No me pareció tan terrible. Aún era temprano para opinar. Ya había pasado. Kennedy nombró ministro de justicia a su hermano, ¿no? Es un intruso en Washington. Probablemente yo haría lo mismo. De hecho, lo hago. ¿Creen que voy solo a las reuniones de Hollywood con todos esos blancos? Llevo conmigo a mi amigo Mac Mittens. Ni siquiera sé su verdadero nombre. Todos lo llaman por su apodo. No está capacitado ni para escuchar esas reuniones, pero me hace sentir bien. Los blancos me dicen: “¿Le pedirías a tu amigo que se retire para que podamos hablar de negocios?”. Y respondo: “Claro que no. Mac Mittens puede oír cualquier cosa que quieran decirme”. Escucha toda la reunión. Al terminar la charla, lo miro. Si me da la señal… …firmo los documentos. Sigo su instinto. ¿Qué tal esto? ¿Recuerdan que, al día siguiente de las elecciones, el presidente de Taiwán llamó a Trump para felicitarlo? Por supuesto, Trump aceptó la llamada y habló con el presidente de Taiwán. El problema es… …que Taiwán no tiene presidente. Estados Unidos reconoce el principio de “una sola China”. Taiwán es una provincia renegada de esa China. Donald Trump no lo sabía. Atendió y empezó a vociferar. Los medios se lo comieron crudo. No mentiré. Me reí de él. “Mierda. El imbécil se metió en problemas”. Pero esa noche, cuando me estaba quedando dormido, tuve que admitirlo. “Yo tampoco sabía esa mierda”. Luego noté que los medios no habían contado bien la noticia. Lo importante no es que Trump haya atendido. Lo importante es que nadie le dijo que no atendiera. Eso es aterrador. Por Dios, ¿no tienes un Mac Mittens en tu equipo? No llamaban a la Casa Blanca. Cualquiera llamaba a Trump Tower y le pasaban la llamada. “Señor presidente, un tal Rikki-Tikki-Tavi quiere hablar con usted”. “Sí, pásamelo. Hola, Rikki-Tikki. Un placer hablar contigo”. “Quiere hablarle un tal John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt”. “Vaya, se llama como yo. Pásamelo. Hola, John Jacob. Hablemos de negocios”. ¿Cuántos de los presentes no nacieron en los Estados Unidos? Aplaudan. ¿De dónde eres, amigo? Tú. De Irak. ¿Eres de Irak? Estaba bromeando. ¿Hace cuánto vives aquí? – Hace 23 años. – ¿Hace 23? ¿Ya eres ciudadano? ¿Sí? Felicitaciones, amigo. Bienvenido a este gran país. Te daré una clase de historia. Seguro que esto no estaba en el examen de ciudadanía. Todos los estadounidenses nacionalizados oyeron hablar de esto. Imagínate el país a principios de la década de 1950. Un niño de 14 años va desde Chicago hasta Misisipi para conocer a unos parientes lejanos. No conocía Misisipi. Antes de salir, su madre le dijo, con mucho énfasis: “Si un blanco te mira a los ojos en Misisipi, aparta la mirada”. No sé qué sabes sobre los negros de Chicago, pero no son asustadizos. Según la leyenda, estaba frente a una tienda, pasándolo bien con sus primos, cuando una mujer blanca salió de la tienda. Le pareció bonita, así que le silbó. “Adiós, cariño”. No se dio cuenta de que había cometido un error fatal. Cuatro días después… Cuatro días después, un grupo de blancos adultos irrumpieron en la casa de la familia y raptaron al niño de su cama, enfrente de su familia, que no pudo hacer nada para impedirlo. Nunca lo volvieron a ver vivo. Se llamaba Emmett Till. Encontraron su cuerpo unos días después. Estaba en un arroyo, atado a una rueda, para que se hundiera. Estaba todo golpeado e hinchado. Horrible. Por suerte, para todos los estadounidenses, su madre no se dejaba. Así es. Como se imaginan, la mujer vivió la peor pesadilla de una madre, pero aun así tuvo la previsión de pensar en todos. Dijo: “Dejen abierto el ataúd de mi hijo. Todos tienen que ver lo que le hicieron a mi bebé”. Y en todas las publicaciones del país, desde la revista Jet hasta el  New York Times, salió, en primera plana, la foto del cuerpo hinchado del niño. Si el movimiento por los derechos civiles hubiera sido un auto, el cuerpo del niño era como gasolina de lujo. Fue un momento determinante en la historia del país. Cualquiera pensante y con sentimientos dijo: “Debemos mejorar”. Lucharon con valentía, y aquí estamos todos. El motivo por el cual lo menciono esta noche, por el cual es relevante, es que, hace menos de un año, la mujer a quien supuestamente le silbó admitió en su lecho de muerte que mintió ante el tribunal. Como se imaginarán, cuando leímos esa mierda, pensamos: “Maldita perra mentirosa”. Estaba furioso. Esa fue mi primera reacción. Al crecer, aprendimos que las primeras reacciones a menudo están mal o incompletas. Este fenómeno se llama “estar muy cerca del elefante”. Según la analogía, si estamos muy cerca del elefante, no podemos verlo. Solo vemos su piel parecida al pene. Hay que dar un paso atrás para observarlo mejor. Luego de dar un paso atrás y pensarlo unos minutos, comprendí que a esta mujer debe de haberle sido muy difícil contar una verdad tan atroz sobre ella misma en cualquier momento, incluso al final de su vida. Agradecí que tuviera el valor de decirlo antes de irse de este mundo, porque es una verdad importante y necesitábamos saberla. Así que pensé: “Gracias por decir la verdad, maldita perra mentirosa”. ¡Sí! Entonces, pasa el tiempo. Con el paso del tiempo, empiezas a ver todo el elefante. Te llenas de humildad, porque comprendes que la mujer mintió y que esa mentira condujo a un asesinato. Pero ese asesinato puso en marcha una secuencia de sucesos que hicieron posible mi vida maravillosa, que hicieron posible esta noche. ¿Cómo puede ser que esta mentira convirtió al mundo en un lugar mejor? Es exasperante. Eso es lo que pienso de nuestro presidente. Ese desgraciado puede ser la mentira que nos salve a todos. Porque nunca me he sentido más estadounidense que cuando lo odiamos todos juntos. Por Dios santo. Eso es bueno. Cuando eso ocurre, veo a todos los que están luchando. Si digo un chiste que los incentiva a golpear a un transgénero, es probable que sean una mierda, así que no vuelvan a verme. O si no entienden que, cuando un jugador de fútbol se arrodilla durante el himno, se está alzando en mi defensa, entonces no querrán meterse conmigo. Les juro que, por más que todo empeore, son mis compatriotas, así que sé con seguridad que quiero resolver nuestras diferencias. Si esa mujer que dijo esa mentira atroz estuviera viva hoy, le agradecería por haber mentido. Y luego le patearía la concha. Muchas gracias, Washington D. C. Que Dios los bendiga. Buenas noches. [“Reaching Through the Darkness”] ♪ Reaching through the darkness… ♪ ♪ Just like Him Breaking through the darkness ♪ ♪ Hey, yo, Material All right, could dry the tears ♪ ♪ Of a thousand peers For a thousand years ♪ ♪ And a thousand cheers Born to erase my fears ♪ ♪ I’m better off living life Where Jesus is ♪ ♪ Not an atheist But them Christian kids ♪ ♪ A little too judgmental About my sins ♪ ♪ And I aim to win But I miss the mark ♪ ♪ Paul, Peter and Joseph Will now depart ♪ ♪ But I follow my heart Without any disguise ♪ ♪ Blood dripping from my sleeve ‘Cause my heart don’t see ♪ ♪ That intentions are public With smiles and positivity ♪ ♪ Behind a fake is a snake That could murder me, murder! ♪ ♪ Life’s filled With things you never heard-a ♪ ♪ Been trying to get in Since niggas was really word up ♪ ♪ Struggles that I’ve been through Make the average man curl up ♪ ♪ Godson, “Coming, Grandma” Saying, “Hurry up!” ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪ ♪ Reaching out for dreams Just like me ♪ ♪ Reaching through the darkness ♪ ♪ Glorious as a daybreak is ♪ ♪ Just like Him Ringing through the darkness ♪ ♪ Hey, yo Scriptures I spit ♪ ♪ They be glossy in nature ♪ ♪ Themes that I dream in my mind Might save ya ♪ ♪ I am no savior Seen as an ambassador ♪ ♪ And dance around the bull With a cape like a matador ♪ -I’m rich, biatch!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DYLAN MORAN: LIKE, TOTALLY… (2006) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-like-totally-2006-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Dylan Moran! Hello! Hello! Yes, yes…hello. Hello, it’s very nice to be…and… You may as well be in London… while you`re being. Fantastic place. Cosmopolis. People from every corner of the Earth,… every creed, every religion, every culture come here to vomit in minicabs. Sometimes, you know, you might take it for granted, you see, you might get this notion that there’s a better life for you elsewhere, because that’s what happens to people… they get stressed out somewhere like this. They think: “you know we should…I don’t know… go to the country… somewhere…’Somewhere Shire'”. It’s a very bad idea. I…I…I grew up in the country. You don’t…you don’t wanna go there. You’ve got everything here. You’re not gonna realize your dreams somewhere else. You can do it all here. You could be trapped in traffic in Tufnell Park for twenty years… And you’ll never have that experience anywhere else. You don’t wanna go to the country, anyway. Most of you know nothing about it. You talk about it all the time…you read about it in the Sunday supplements. You’re never going to go. Why would you go? It’s a disgusting place. It’s always wet even when it`s dry… There’s nothing there. Farmers aren’t really people. You know this. They’re just necessary. We need somebody to kill cows. Cows are supposed to be killed. En masse as well. I have this certain very…well…limited sympathy with vegetarians…You know… I don’t…I don’t mind if you’re vegetarian cause you had an accident or something years ago. You fell down some steps and now you can’t chew properly. I don’t mind that…but all this vegetarian-on-principle stuff is wrong! You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re big lumbering stupid things… they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them. In the library and everything… Nobody actually wanted them originally. You know, they were just mid-conversation that kept getting bumped into by these cretins… Couldn’t take it anymore. “Give me a fuckin’ fork, I’m gonna deal with this.” What people really want are squirrels but they’re too quick. Don’t go to the country. When is the last time you spoke to somebody from the country? Have you ever had a conversation with these people? – “What did you do today?” – “I had some soup.” – “Oh for fuck’s sake…get me outa here. “Please gimme a cappucino before I pass out. I need a mugger.” “I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.” And of course these people are friendly. …course they are. They talk to you. They haven’t spoken to a real person in years. And they bring you into the house and they dry all your clothes… even though you’ve not been in the rain or anything. And offer you the local thing. “You must try the local stuff.” Don’t eat it! You know why it’s local? It’s shit! That’s why it’s local. If you eat it, you’ll turn into one of them. You go red, you start spouting bigotry… and eating tweed with lamb fat dribbling down your chin. Don’t go near of any of that stuff. People say: “I’m gonna go. It’ll be great.” “We’ll have a solar panel toilet…. we’ll get the whole family thatched.” Rubbish! And then you get these articles about how unhealthy modern life is in a city. You know…you get mobile phone tumours… far more likely in the city. Well you know what? So is everything else. Including sex, coffee and conversation. And the conversations are totally different as well…there. You’re sophisticated people. You meet up every nine months… to have a coffee with somebody and bitch about your best friend who’s not there. – “I hate them.” – “I hate them more than you do.” Here they come. – “Hi, how are ya?” – “Do you want a nimbacino?” And in the countryside… because there’s nothing to do… Do you know what people do there? They…they…they go to each others’ houses, they come to your house and drink tea. All fucking day. They crawl for twelve miles to come and drink tea. ‘Cause there’s nothing else to do. And what people do then… It has its own kind of native hostility. You know, they bring out all the food in the house and put it in front of that person… and say: “There, eat that!” Because…because if you don’t put on a good spread you’ll be ill-spoken-of in the village. So people bring out nineteen different kinds of potatoes. Sheets of ham. Waves of ham. You take a bite out of the middle, you save yourself the price of a poncho. They put it in front of that person and they say: “Fuckin’ eat that!” And they stay there all day. Eat everything you have. Drink everything you have. And they never know when to go. You know? They’re not sophisticated. They sit there. You’re there…one o`clock in the morning… with the grandfather clock between your pyjama’d knees… staring at the motherfuckers saying: “Please, go home!” And you end up saying terrible things: “Look, we drank everything in the house…” “I don’t think that minicab is coming…” “I know we had eight or nine bottles of wine and half a bottle of whisky…” “but I think you should drive. I do.” “I will personally sellotape your hands to the wheel.” “Get in the fuckin’ car. Go away from here please.” And then, you know, there’s the…there’s the extreme version of that idea of escape. People think they’ll emigrate, that’s it. Their…their…their new life will be somewhere else. “Much better than here. I can’t take it anymore.” Where would you go? People… people fling themselves all over the planet. People end up in Australia. Why would anybody want to go there? What is the point of that country? I was…I usually never leave the house but, we all went to Australia recently. The whole family. It was a ridiculous place. Located three quarters of a mile from the surface of the sun. People audibly crackling as they walk pass you on the street. That’s why they all barbecue. You don’t need to cook somewhere like that. You just bring the shit out, fling it on a grill, and it bursts into flames. It’s not supposed to be inhabited. And when they’re not doing that, frying themselves outside,… they all fling themselves into the sea. Which is inhabited almost exclusively by things designed to kill you. Sharks, jelly-fish, swimming knives. They’re all in there. And then, you know, there’s the…where else… There’s the…this is the new world…. You know, and the other part of the new world is…is America. And people think: “That’s got a lot of promise.” Still… Even though, we’re all a bit funny about Americans now….a bit. I think the reason that happened… all that bad feeling about America… is apart from everything that they’ve done… It’s because American stupid people sound… stupider than every other kind of stupid person. Some people are just thick but you put up with them. But Americans are annoying when they’re thick. Because they say: (accent) “Well, you know, I was …” They’re talking about one of those terrible… incidents that happen every other day in America. They say: (accent) “Well, you know, I was there and the guy came in,…” “and he had…like…a gun, you know,…” “and he was…like…shooting, and everybody else was totally dead.” It sounds a little divorced from reality somehow. So I think that’s why there’s ill feeling about the place sometimes. Because of everything the administration has done. You know, it’s like the really bad flatmate of the world. (accent) “Oh, sorry. Did I break all your shit? I didn’t know it was yours.” “Yeah, I’ll replace it some time…” “um…with my stuff.” And… because it’s the only remaining empire. Of course, you had an empire once. Britain had a great empire. And impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world …with great style. You just marched in and said: “You, you and you, fuck off off! We’re having tiffin.” And everybody sort of went: “Oh, right, I’ll gonna be off now. That’s fine.” And it took centuries for people to go: “Hang on a minute…” “We live here.” The American style is totally different. Far more insidious. This empire is run on a totally different basis. What America does…is it has a nosy in some place… some war-torn, fucked up place… and it looks for oil or chocolate or whatever it wants. And all the indigenous people obviously get pissed off. And they begin to meet. They begin to foment. They ring each other up and say: (accent) “You, Habuwa, let’s meet and foment… at six o’clock.” In the local bombed-out cafe, they gather round and they say: (accent) “What are we go…” I’m doing a pan global accent, OK? It saves time. because America gets around a lot of places. “What’re we…” And this represents poverty. “Hey listen…” “Hey! Haguga, listen,…” “What’re we gonna do ’bout the fuckin’ imperialistic Yankee big dog, huh? What’re we gonna do?” “They come in here…they fuckin’…they look around, they take our stuff. What’re we gonna…?” “I’m talkin’ to you! Put down the beans! Listen, what’re we gonna do?” It’s kind of…Al Pacino from China via Brooklyn. But the em,… And what the America does… while these people are talking,… they very, very gradually build a Starbucks around them. They all become addicted to latte and they lose the will to rebel. And then they turn into Americans… after a couple of weeks…the kind of people who come up to me and say: (accent) “Hi, I’m Irish.” “My grandmother was O’Flaherty. Did you know ‘er?” I always say: “Yes, yes, I did…” “But then again everybody did.” But that’s a particular kind of American obviously. The kind of Americans you see in Europe… who often, for some reason, seem to be very generously proportioned. And the…you see them in museums blocking up the exhibits going: “What is this? Can we eat it? Where are we? Can we …..” And yet when you go to America you see that it’s a very, very…because it’s so competitive and everything. People are ultrafashionable and very thin, really. I think the Americans you see in Europe are all the ones… who stay in their apartments, get food piped in and then they’re just shipped out to Europe. But the ones over there… You see these amazing looking people. They don’t look real at all. These incredibly exiguous women. You know, those people who look like they can’t support the weight of their own teeth and their head. Stalking in and out of fashionable restaurants. I don’t know what they do in there. Maybe they just rub pesto on their legs or something and… You know, they look like they weigh as much as a photograph of themselves and…and… Very fashion conscious. But people have this idea that it’s… that it’s still the promised land. You know, somewhere like California where everything is fruitful and abundant. But… Arnold Schwarzenegger… is the Governor of California. There’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen!? Do you know how that happened? ’cause I’ll tell you. You know how he got into that position? He got there… by lifting things. Now you and me, we avoid lifting things. It’s unpleasant. Especially heavy things. Even a five-year-old child knows this. They go: “Huh? No…hahaha…fuckit… no. I gonna put a Lego up my arse. I’m not doing that. No…no.” He took a different approach. He lifted the heavy…and you know, you lift something when you have to. Piano falls on granny… you lift the piano. ‘Cause granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. Sunday lunch continues. He didn’t do any of that! He went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it… and put it back down and didn’t move it anywhere. And then he lifted it again… hundreds of times. And said to the people who had stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour. “Look how good I am… ” “at lifting the heavy thing…” “in my underpants.” Now that…sounds a little dim. But it was they who said: “You’re the man.” “You’re the one we want to deal with immigration and water rates and taxes and all that kind of shit.” Now, wait… what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job? You know, this must have been someone who came to work covered in children’s blood every morning. He drives one of these vehicles, you know, these things they’re called Hummers. You know? It’s like a big four-wheel-drive thing. Huge. How small does you cock have to be? To make you walk into a car show-room and say: “Listen, I need something in the size of a school…” “… so people know I’m around.” As if driving wasn’t already aggressive enough. You see people behind the wheels and these things. They change,… you know, in those big built-up vehicles. You have them here in London, you know. Because it’s difficult obviously…the coffee’s on one side of the street, you have to get your newspaper from the other. It’s tough, I know. People change, they get behind the wheel of those things. They lose the ability to distinguish between an empty packet of crisps and your children. Driving is incredibly aggressive. I started to learn recently. I don’t know…I don’t know how to drive and it’s fairly pathetic, you know, ’cause I’m…I’m thirty…nearly thirty-five. It’s ridiculous. And then I started getting nervous ’cause I can’t swim either and I thought, “What if I crash into a lake? I am $%%%!$!” You learn very, very quickly that it is mostly about swearing actually. That’s all you’re doing… swearing in a box with wheels. ’cause you don’t swear like that with any other activity in your day. You don’t allow yourself. It’s ok when you’re driving for some reason. If somebody blocks you when you’re a walking You’re positively Edwardian in your manners. You do this sheepish little smile together. And you step aside. And you both do it at the same time. And you go: (accent) “Oh, for goodness’s sake, what to-do?” “Hohoho, dear me!” “I’ll just…er…I’ll just…oh, we did it again! Do you believe it. I can’t believe it…” “We should be on the stage…” “One more time…I’ll just… Oh, how did we ever get this far as species?” But for some reason… in a car that becomes: “You spoke buggered!” From, you know, an eighty-nine year-old church warden. (coughs) Excuse me, I have a… something…it’ll clear up. It might take me with it but, you know, we’ll see… And all this aggression is terrible actually. You see that everywhere. People have…you know…you think you’re mad at the other motorist in that case. Probably something else. You know…it’s probably something in your own past that you’re probably…I don’t know… mad at your mother or something. That’s why you find yourself as a forty-five year old person on the street shouting. There must be a story behind all those people you see mumbling on the street, having those intense conversations that look really, really significant except nobody else is there…and… You know, you’re probably mad at something… I don’t… Because everybody remembers: you’d be alone in the kitchen and… twilight would be dwindling and you could hear… the far-off cries of the other children playing nearby… and you know…you’d be alone in a kitchen ’cause it was your special treat time… when the…the jelly would come out just for you… and your mother would appear at your side… just this vision of Laura Ashley print dress… smelling of magnolias and biscuits…and… put the jelly in front of you… and…and…and you would pull your chair in… and then the old-fashioned bar of ice-cream would come down, the one that had to be cut with a bread knife before the two sides were flanked with wafers… and you would lift your little spoon up excitedly to press it in… and winkle out that first divot of black jelly and…and and then the cage would come down! The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside. She would strike a match off her forearm… and go and tell you to dance in the front room for money. And you never forget that shit. You know, it never goes away. But…this idea of the good life being elsewhere does possess people. And I suppose a lot of people now… because Europe is freed up and everything… people move within Germany… a lot of… within Europe rather… I mean I said Germany but I meant Europe. I don’t know why I said Germany but loads of people did go to Germany actually, recently for the World Cup. A lot of English people went over to make uninformed prejudicial remarks… about German people and Germany. Totally ignorant and bigoted. Know nothing about it… but they feel free to insult it. Because they’re English and they’re bigoted… and…because Germany is a toilet. A truly dreadful place. Nobody ever has any reason to go there. It is…it is a totally dreadful place. And that’s just the way it is… because if you’re talking to a, you know, a modern… I went there. On the same weekend I went to Australia and California and it’s a… you see, the thing is you’re talking to a modern, nice, affable, German person… and they’re saying to you something like: (accent) “You know, well, it’s a critical time right now for Germany within Europe,…” “also globally…economically we’re pretty good. We have been better.” “But we’re very vibrant in the theatre and arts and so on…” All the time you’re listening to this, you’re thinking: “Hmmm…hmmm…yeah, yeah, hmmm, hmmm… Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…” “and the Hitler when you did the Hitler thing with Hitler. ..Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…” And the people look like pork. You can’t get away from that. They do. They look like pork scratchings on a towel. And you can’t eat the food because you would have to complain about it… and that would mean speaking German. It’s a disgusting language. Nobody should ever speak it. Even Hitler was vegetarian. That’s how bad the food is. And you couldn’t speak German ’cause it’s a horrible sound. It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil being kicked down a stairs. Somebody is talking to you in German, they’re saying: (accent) “Haken die haken…(etc)” You think: “What is happening to you from behind? ” “How can we make it stop? Please, go away.” Now, that’s not… prejudice, that’s just observation. And the… thing is English people are very bigoted, though, I find. I say that as a neutral Irish person. You know, Ireland wasn’t involved in the war at all. Ireland’s reaction in the war was to go: “What? There’s a what on? Sorry, what? I’m not dressed.” “What is it? What? “you want to what? You need…you need a…what?” “What is…? War? It’s all over, is it? Or will…good…yeah.” “What do you want?” Not very useful. But English people are quite prejudiced, I think. Because I’ve noticed this recently. ’cause I have lots of English friends who are very dear to me and… I realized recently… when you’re talking to an English person… and you’re from elsewhere, they share with you. They do a lovely thing… when they’re talking to you. They…they impersonate you as they’re talking to you. Somebody says to me: (accent) “Do you want another drink then?” You know, in that English voice that suggests they’re just about to die at any moment. – “Do you want another drink?” – “I would. I’d love another drink. That’d be great. That’d be grand. Thank you.” They do you. They go: – (accent) “I would, yeah, That’d be great. That’d be grand. That’d be lovely.” – “What the fuck are you doing?!” – (accent) “Nothing. It’s just funny ’cause you’re Irish and that, you know…” ’cause that’s still how Irish people are seen. As twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm… high stepping around the world going: “Ill paint your house now but watch out, I might steal the ladder, hohohoho.” Which is only half true! The thing is though that Irish people are just far more emotional. We include emotion in our culture. If you’re talking to an English person… you don’t know if they’ve recently died or just got married. ’cause of that English smile… (accent) “Hello, hello.” Looks like you’ve a rotten oyster under your tongue. “Hello. Good morning. Don’t touch me. Stay away. How are you…? Hello.” And… Either that or when emotion does appear it’s violent. They come and play football with you and rip the shit out of the stadium and eat the chairs. Whereas in Irel…somewhere like Ireland… it’s more hot-blooded. There’s drama included in the fabric of every day. Every…it’s there every moment. People wake going: “Oh god!…” “What time is it?” “It’s six minutes to nine.” “Is it?” “I thought it was only seven minutes to. We’re all fucked” “What’s the weather like? Don’t tell me! I can’t bear to hear. I’ll look myself…” “Aaagh! It’s fierce – mild!” “What are we having for breakfast? Are you gonna do that thing again…” “with the bread when you put it in the box and burn it?” “Whose trousers are these? Come on, we’ll both try them at once…” “and see who wins.” It’s just… much more emotional at all times. For no real reason. And I think sometimes I’d love to be like you. Cool and calm and unemotional. Protestant, in short. What a…it’s a fantastic religion. It makes absolutely no demands upon you at all. Which is why it’s not a great religion. All great religions are built on shame. You don’t have any of that if you’re protestant. You go to the church, you sing a few hymns,… have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank. You see… You have the freedom of mind… to walk into a room and see a plate of biscuits, say. And you look at them and you think: “Well, there’s a plate of biscuits, I might have a biscuit, I might not,…” “I might have one later. I might put it in my pocket and give it to somebody else.” “I don’t really mind. It’s just a biccie.” It’s not like that if you’re catholic. You walk in the room, you see the plate of biscuits, there could be other things going on in the room. The room could be on fire, it could be full of naked clowns killing each other with crossbows. This doesn’t matter to you because all you see is the plate of biscuits. ’cause you think: “Oh no, I’m gonna eat them. I know I am.” “I’m gonna eat them. I’m gonna eat them all. Oh no, I know I am.” “I’m even walking towards them. I wasn’t aware of that but I am now.” “I’ve actually started to eat the biscuits. Help me! Help me!” “Oh they’re delicious. Oh the shame! The shame! The shame!” “Oh I can’t tell which is nicer.” “The biscuits or the shame!” “It’s a child’s biscuit. That’s perfect!” “I don’t deserve a grown-up one with dark chocolate on it.” “Oh, they’re so nice. Now, they’re all gone.” “The shame! The shame! That’s all I’ve got left.” “Nothing can make me feel better now…” “except cocaine.” On and on and on. And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people… who turn to Jesus… tend to be the sort of people who haven’t done that well with everybody else. Like the people who are here, for instance. They say to themselves: “Well, I can’t get it right in this lifetime but in the next life it’ll be right.” In the spiritual afterlife. Which makes no sense at all…really. It’s your choice of course if you want to believe all this… but why would you want a spiritual afterlife? Surely you should sort the spirit out now while you’re here. This spirit is what is challenged, the spirit is what suffers all the knocks. The spirit is the thing you’ve got to master. If you are going to have an afterlife why not just have a physical afterlife? Just come back as a tentacle and a set of lips… looking for huge lumps of chocolate to fuck? It’d been much more… you know, reasonable. ’cause the fact is, you prop yourself up with your compulsions all the time. I’m…I’m quite a compulsive person. I only worked this out recently. I’m compulsive but I’m also very indecisive. I don’t know what I want but I know that I want it now…and… I thought for ages, you know, everybody was like this. I thought everybody woke up a couple of mornings a week… in the shower with Marmite-clotted handcuffs… but apparently not. You know, there are sensible choices obviously. I don’t take loads of drugs… ’cause it’s tedious. Everything becomes too routine. You take the drugs, you stay there for nine hours going: “nnnnnn” Then you run out of “nnnnnnn” and you have to go and buy more. It’s just this endless cycle of repetition. I don’t get it. And..um…you know, you can’t…you can’t… you can get addicted to all sorts of things… …except fruit. But Jesus isn’t a very good role model for children, I don’t think. You know, they’d be far better of with somebody who’s less whiny. He did complain an awful lot, Jesus. – “Oh, nails! Oh, vinegar!” – “You’re the messiah, get on with it.” “Would you stop?” Batman is a far more useful role-model for children. He was orphaned as well…he didn’t moan about it. He went to Tibet and did press-ups and things… with bunsen burners and came back and put on the ears and… got up on the roof ready for anything… dealing with his own personal issues. Jesus moaned all the time. You’ll see this in the pictures, pointing outside of the picture. In all the catholic iconography, pointing: “I want that one. What’s he got? He’s got cream on these. I want that. What is that?” Or blaming people: “It was him. He hurt my feelings.” But…anyway… Now…I meant to talk about something else earlier on and I forgot what it was. I’ve remembered what it is again but I’ve also forgotten. And that’s really what adulthood is like most of the time. You know you spend a lot of time walking back to the room… to get the thing that you left the room so that you would go and use it somewhere else and… you’re on your way back to the room to get the thing. You forget… not only what it is but what room it was in and… you’re faced with the people who love you looking at you going: – “What do you want? Why are you here?” And you go: – “I don’t know.” You spend an awful lot of time like that. And children aren’t like that,… which is why they look so young. Because they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they’re walking around they have a very definite purpose. They’re walking, walking and it’s a great walk as well. It’s not an adult sort of bemused shuffle. It’s that: – “I’m going over here.” You say: – “Why are you going over there?” – “’cause I have a harmonica.” – “What are you doing with the harmonica?” – “I’m going to put it in the toilet.” And… – “Why are you doing that?” – “Enough questions! Goodbye.” Because children express themselves. That’s how they look young and vibrant and alive. And why we all envy them. The child, you know, the children are…are… can be incredibly difficult to understand when you’re grown-up. You forget that you were a child. Something simple like a child going to bed. You know, you say: “Bed time, bed time, bed time.” That’s not what the child hears. What the child hears is: “Lie down in the dark!” “For hours!” “And don’t move!” “I’m locking the door now.” So the child has trouble with that so of course you make a concession, you read a fairytale or something. You know, all the wisdom of the world compacted into little story. And you say: “There was a little girl lost Many, many miles from home.” “Walking through the woods late, late at night…” “with the creatures all hooting and howling and the bushes around and stepping…” all over the roots of trees. And she came to the old sty and began to climb it…” “but it broke, you see, it broke…” “and she fell down.” “But when she got herself up she was alright…” “and you could see the lights at home. And she began to walk towards home…” “and then a thing ate her.” “Good night!” – “Night-night.” You probably sent the child to bed because you were just tired talking to the child. ’cause the child asks you questions, you see? And this is one of the great things about having a child. You look forward to teaching this child about the world… and how it works. But the child..child…children.. the child-ren… child-ren are… they’re like children but they’re bigger and they’re webbed. They… they’re not really interested in your views on the world. You know, they have their own questions: – “What is the name of the spaces in between the bits that stick out on a comb?” – “I don’t…I don’t know. I’m not…I’m not sure.” – “What do you called the place underneath the kettle?” – “I don’t know! Bed time! Bed time!” But it’s difficult. Children sleep in your bed. This is part of having children. It’s very important for a child’s development to sleep in the grown-ups’ bed. Because their…their bones are growing in particular directions. You see what happens is children are actually very sophisticated. They sleep in your bed for a reason. The child is born, it takes a look around and thinks: “Well, this isn’t quite what I’d hoped for.” “These people are idiots.” “I wouldn’t have painted the house like this at all.” “But I’ve got to make the best of it so how do I…” “I’ve got to maximize my resources…” “so the key thing is to stop these people having any more children.” So children get urine samples sent through the post and sprinkle it on their beds. They’re busy people. They don’t have time to pee the beds themselves. And they crawl into your bed. And because their bones are growing and everything they can only sleep in certain positions obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two. But the thing that really relaxes a child is to have their big toe nails lodged squarely in your respective genitalia. That ensures a blissful night’s slumber. Then the sexual kidnapping is complete. “No touchy-touchy, no kissy-kissy.” “You two needs lots of sleep. I have many questions for tomorrow.” Very important! But you lose so much of that natural, human panache that children have. You know, you tell the child to go to bed and it puts that against what it wants to do… and synthesizes. And says: “I hate you!” “I really hate you!” As they’re scratching their arse with a toy elephant. Now… if you could retain that sense of self in your adult life you’d have totally different experience. At work telling your boss: “I hate you!” While scratching. “I really do. Everyday is the same !+$%$!# #%@@. I don’t know why I keep coming back.” Difficult to keep a hold of though. That’s why adults are confused a lot of the time. Adults are terribly confused, messed-up people. That’s because they forget really. They don’t have to pretend all the time. Really the fact is you’re not an adult at all,… you’re just a tall child holding a beer… having a conversation you don’t understand. The Middle-East… “Yeah, I know it was really bad. Yeah, I wouldn’t have done that, yeah.” Hysterectomy… “Very painful. The shoulder is very painful area …” Being intimidated… I get intimidated by men, by other men. You know, we were talking about the driving lessons, there are guys talking in pubs about machines and cars. There’s a whole culture of that. They’re talking about the grenumbulator On their whinny wax on the car. And they turn to me and they go: – “What kind of car have you got?” – “I don’t know but when I’ve got one…” “it’s gonna be a blue one. Hahaa!” Man are always intimidating one another, competing with one another. They’re more aggressive I suppose. They did this…er…study actually… in the University of Chicago… with women. And they worked out that women are incredibly good at reading male faces. You know, there’s two types apparently. There’s a kind of round, soft, sensitive-faced person… who’s a good person to have around. And he’s good for you, good for a family. Gentle and caring and can emphatize. And then there’s the other type which is more… kind of stronger jawed, more masculine looking…smaller eyes,… you know, King Kong is what we’re talking about here. And this…interestingly, this was the kind of male favoured by women for what was called in the study ‘brief relationships’. What the *!%* is that? When we don’t have to roll your tights down the whole way. What is a brief relationship exactly? Now I’m talking about all this obviously, I’m talking about children and all that kind of, you know, jobs, mentioning these things to pretend to you that I have an ordinary life. And this is because I’m…you know…relating to you…and you’re ordinary people… looking up at me with a mixture of awe, envy and lust. And the thing is… my life is very different. I can’t pretend it’s not. You know, when you go to work in the morning and you’re going to the newsagency… and everything to get your lunch of crisps and fags or stones… or whatever it is you people live on… You know, it’s a long time since I has lived in a house or ate food.. You see, all these magazines because of the times we live in now, the culture… you know…this celebrity stuff…all these… this wall of dreams behind you… it’s, you know, Brad and Angelina and me and everybody else up there… looking down on you, making you feel even more ordinary. But what you forget is that we all want to be you. We all want to have, you know, 2.3 children and live in a house where nobody speaks to one another… and work in a building society or something. We lie awake at night tossing and turning, masturbating with both hands… with boutique chocolates falling out of our mouths,… wishing we could be you living somewhere like Willesden. And… It’s doubly difficult for me ’cause I’m an Irish celebrity. That’s very hard gig, you know. ’cause not many people do it. There aren’t very many of them… and none of them are cool. You look at Geldof or Bono or anything …they can’t do cool. You put, you know, Bowie or Lou Reed on the cover of Time magazine…of course they look cool. ’cause they can do all that stuff… all those looks. You know, the ones that say: “I don’t even know you’re there…” “but if I did I’d ignore you.” “I’m having people flown in from other galaxies just to come and scratch me.” You can’t do that if you’re Irish because you have a…the face. You know, and an Irish face always looks like it’s been told two very important pieces of information at the same time. At one shoulder somebody’s just run up and said: “You’ve just won a hundred million thousand pounds and loads of stuff.” And at the other shoulder somebody’s just whispered in their ear: “But you only have three minutes to live.” That’s why everybody looks like this: All the politicians and everybody you see on television always… look like they’re just about to pull a ham sandwich out of their pocket… and it doesn’t actually belong to them. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the first bit. I’m gonna go away and I’ll see you in a little… Thank you. Bye. [INTERVAL] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage Dylan Moran! You’re the man! (Heckle) That’s right. (heckle) Thank you for sharing. Now… – Tell us a story! (heckle) What’s that? – Tell us a story! (heckle) – I appreciate everything you’ve done. I loved your early work, I think it’s only getting better. So I was talking about something… and then I stopped. And you agreed…we left it there. But now, the thing is to get to it… what I really meant say was… you know, you probably all went and got a drink and everything in the interval… and, you know, were propulsed along by your own needs… having them filled. Which is what we do. Some people like… some people are taking pictures on phones. I don’t…why…why people do that… It’s very weird… Everybody does that now. We all take pic… you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it. Even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture… ’cause you’re too busy recording it… so you retrospectively going to look back on where you weren’t… and tell yourself you had a good time. And… but that’s what holiday photos are, aren’t they? You go away, you come back,… you say: “Look! It’s…” You show your friends: – “Look! It’s…it’s us.” – “I know.” – “Yeah, but look, we’re eating hummus.” – “What a transformation.” – “I hope you enjoyed yourselves.” Because…you…that’s what you’re telling yourself. It’s your reward to go away. It’s still the time of year people are going away. And you can’t really enjoy it. It’s very hard anyway. There’s the only one airline servicing the world now – Air Denial… where everybody gets on and they pretend they’re in a cafe… where they’re trying to shut out the one thought that has actually kidnapped their mind, which is: “We’re all gonna die.” And you pretend you’re in a cafe and that’s what the people are there, who work on the planes… are supposed to support you in this fantasy cos they come along and they say: “Would you like red or white wine…” “with your piece of vulcanized lizzard’s *$*! from the moon?” “How about an extra bread roll there to dip in your otter vomit pate?” And you go: – “Red or white wine? What you’re gonna have darling?” – “I don’t know. What are you gonna have?” All to shut out the one thought which is in your mind, which is: “We’re gonna die! We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die! Right now.” “The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal,…” “we’re all eating and I’m the only non-terrorist aboard.” “We’re all going to die!” And you kind of…the only enjoyable bit actually about being up there… is…is if you have a family… you’re with your children… and you get to see the young person you used to be sitting a few rows ahead of you… who’ll always oblige you by turning around and giving you that scowling look. ’cause your child reacting to air pressure… is expressing themselves by going: “.ablkasdkfjasdf..” And they look around disapprovingly… as though you’re going to clock that look and go: “Oh sorry, I’ll slit their throat.” “…after all you paid for business and you’re a busy, busy guy, aren’t you?” You kind of prop yourself up with all those things,… you know, holidays and stuff. Especially in this part of the world. When people get depressed here they don’t really handle it very well. In other cultures they do something useful. You know, they have a rain dance or they throw stones on one another or something. But here, when people get pissed off they go: “I can’t carry on, I don’t understand my life anymore,…” “I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t !+$%$!# handle it, I can’t deal with anything…” “including these cornflakes. I just don’t know what’s going on.” “I’m f…I can’t do it.” “Ah ah…*!%* it, I’ll buy a CD.” “I’ll get a CD and a jacket! *!%* everybody!” But… because you’re out of your mind, not feeling well,… you go and you buy stuff you didn’t really want anyway,… you know, ‘The Ecuadorian Women’s Folk Choir Doing The Songs of Kenny Rogers’… and you bring it back, some canary yellow jacket with purple buttons up the front… and you look at this and you think: “What is the #%@@?” “What was I thinking?” So, you take it to a charity shop. That generally is the extent of our charity. We give away all the #%@@ we never needed or wanted in the first place. And that’s why charity shops themselves have that incredible funk of depression. That layered smell and all the women who work in there are a hundred and three. And…they were twenty when they turned up for work that morning,… they just aged in the smell. Presumably as well there are people going into those shops as well who think… when they look at the stuff they go: “That mirror in the shape of a cello…” “covered in seashells is a !+$%$!# bargain. Do you have any more of those?” “Do you? I need about ten.” So what takes you out of that? What will get you away from all that? All the interiority you don’t need. Children are very good actually for that. Teaching you about the world. Peeing on you. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself and your past… if you wake up with somebody sitting on your face… saying: “I’m hungry.” But you know, you…women…women are more supportive of one another around children. If a woman gets pregnant, you know, other women pitch in and they sort of talk about it… and it’s far more useful, you know, men, when men are about to have a child,… if they have young male single friends, they’re not…they’re not so good. You know this. You know, your male friends arrive and they stand there and they look at you and they come and see the baby… and they don’t really know how to deal with it. You know, they don’t get it ’cause they go: “Well, I’m here, you know, your house is a medley of disgusting smells,…” “there’s nothing to eat, everybody’s wearing bathrobes,…” “there’s no bar, I can’t *!%* anybody, why am I here?” Women tend to be more mature. You know, men look at breasts the way women look at babies. “Aww, isn’t that lovely?” And they… if a woman gets pregnant all the women she’s ever met in her whole life… will appear from all corners of the earth to support her… by telling her horror stories of all the pregnancies they’ve ever heard about. “It’s fantastic what you’re doing. I love the way you’re handling this.” “It won’t be like what happened to Michelle.” – “What? What happened to Michelle?” – “Oh, did I say Michelle? I didn’t mean to mention that, I’m sorry. Don’t worry.” “She was a fool. She ate vegetables and drank water.” “The baby came out her ear. You’ll be fine.” “You’ll be absolutely fine. Nothing will happen to you.” “She can’t sit down now. Nobody in the family talks to one another.” “You’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.” Men are…men remain envious of women, despite what women think. Men…men would like to…to be female…sometimes. To understand things more…to have access… to have the freedom… to ask these questions that women say every day: – “Why did you put the towel…the wet towel…” “on the bathroom floor? You left it there! Why did you do that?” – “Well, me and the guys were talking about it over a period of weeks…” “you know, in the bunker…” “and we figured that was the best place for it.” “It wouldn’t work in the kitchen.” The questions that everybody asks now are the questions that everybody has always asked about each other. You know, you still hear all this stuff: “What do women want?” As though it’s really mysterious. As though it’s a big deal. All that women want is what anybody wants. You know, friendship and companionship and respect… and a certain amount of leadership with submission… and a kind of cooperation at all times… and pre-emptive empathy and you know,… general telepathy. It’s no big deal, is it? And then when the same questions are asked of men. “What is it that men want?” You’re always told that it’s really very simple. You know, something like “lingerie”… Now historically there hasn’t been a big demand… for male lingerie from women. Because there’s a limited amount you can do with male genitalia. There’s a limited amount you can do with anything… that looks like it’s hanging out of the side of a shark’s mouth. And… it doesn’t really matter if you put a velvet gown around it. It’s not gonna do the trick. We’re told that this is what…what…what men want – lingerie…you know… for women to look like cakes. “It’s not enough that you want to be with me and love me.” “You must first be a French fancy.” And… Now women don’t want that. Traditionally women have been attracted to uniforms. So it’s not difficult to know what women want. Fascists – that’s really what they’re all after. Say what you like about nazi Germany They turned heads. Everywhere those storm troopers went… “Check him out before he kills us!” That happened a lot. But sometimes I think it passes through the mind of heterosexual people… that it might be easier to be gay. ’cause obviously…you know… there’s apparently… less… errrrrr….responsibilities outside yourself. That’s how it would appear sometimes. And also…you know…if you’re straight… and you’re pissed off or stressed out… what do you do really… you know, you have an extra piece of cake or a couple of drinks you shouldn’t really have. If you’re gay you can go to a toilet and *!%* a stranger. Now that’s…that has got to work some of the kinks out, hasn’t it? Afterwards he must think: “Yeah, I can deal with my emails now.” But because of that then you get straight people disparaging gay relationships… and saying: “Well, they can’t be meaningful, you know, if they…you met in a latrine.” But most heterosexual people in this country and around the world… meet each other and get together with one another… when they’re totally, totally drunk. Smashed…out of their minds… they could not spell their own face. And they go home with that person. You might spend months with that person… or a year… or you might have a family. This is what happens. This is how you meet. But you wouldn’t buy a toaster when you’re drunk. ’cause that’s too important. It’s got to be crispy in just the right way, hasn’t it? I think that’s why you see couples… sitting with their new babies outside cafes and so on… drinking tea, looking at one another, looking to the pram,… looking into the middle distance and back to one another… because they’re thinking: “Oh…wh…what the *!%* happened?!” “I just thought we were gonna have a few drinks. Who’s this guy?” And love is incredibly…er…mysterious as you know. And it’s still the thing that troubles most people for a lot of their lives… until they work it out…and which you… you may do eventually. You hear the conversations in the restaurants, the lovers speaking to one another. And it never really changes. People compete with one another as they’re telling each other that they love each other. – “I love you.” – “I love you.” – “Yeah, but I really love you. I mean I love you.” “I love pencils you have sucked and thrown away twenty years ago.” “I love your eyebrows and your ancestry and everything about you!” “Just eat your food and let me love you. Don’t speak!” And… they don’t know of course at the time that that dialogue is just… from a very bad science fiction film written by nature. Really what they’re saying to one another is: “The race must continue! The race must continue!” “My vadudium is pointing at your phenungulator.” “The race must continue!” And if they don’t handle it properly you see them forty years later,… the same people in the same restaurant, if you have the time… you go there and you see them and they communicate on a different way now… In middle age… In some cultures it’s called ‘silence’. Unless I’m missing something and they’re saying a lot… with the fork hitting the plate. And if their eyes do meet this time it’s not intimacy, it’s embarrassment. The man makes that noise as he chomps his chop… in his throat…a kind of horrible sound… this…”Hhhmmmnnnngggg..” Sounds like a Balkan curse. And… the woman has her own noise of disquiet. The “hhhhhhmmmmmm…” As she’s spearing her salad. Like a…you know…sounds like a dove having a dump. And then they… they go home to the bed they’ve sheared for… sheared…when you shear a bed it’s a…its a difficult process. It…you know, when you go home you’re a bit… had a couple of drinks… and the bed’s all wooly, and you have to… and you have to get the clippers out. “Here we go again. Don’t move.” And… and when they’ve sheared the bed they share it… and they get in with… and they have real intimacy… which takes years to achieve, you know… you’re not gonna get it with somebody you don’t know very well,… not that there really is such a thing as ‘casual sex’. What is that? What is that supposed to be? It’s never really casual. You always have to turn up…and the… it’s never casual unless you’re both wearing Sherlock Holmes’s hats or something… and you’re covered in crisps, one of you is eating an omelette,… the other one is doing a crossword. Then it’s kind of casual. I’m talking about real intimacy. When people don’t mess around with all that manipulating the phrase “I love you.” People…you get this all the time: “I love you. I love you. I love you I love you…” “Bake me a cake or go away.” Children can master those three words. – “What do you want for breakfast, darling?” – “I want sugar fried in honey.” – “No! You’re having fruit, bread, wholesome things like that.” – “I love you, Daddy!” – “I love you too…” “Sugar you say? I’ll be right back.” I mean it’s just hard to like certain foods. Look at this. I’m trying to addict to myself to it. It doesn’t work for me…fruit. It’s just God showing off: “Look at all the colours I know.” Horrible stuff! You know, when somebody comes to your house for dinner or the weekend or something… and they don’t bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates or biscuits or something… you %#%$! about that person when they leave saying: “Mean *!#%%%$!**%*. Didn’t bring anything.” You never hear anybody saying: “They didn’t bring any fruit.” “Not a single melon. We had them for three weeks.” “I didn’t see a grape.” Nobody likes it. That’s why they put mirrors around it in supermarkets. You just catch sight of yourself and you think: “Fuckit, I’m dying…I better eat some of this.” They don’t do that with the eclairs, do they? Horrible! You have one – confirm that it’s awful. Ah, it’s got stones and things in it. What is the point? What was I saying? I have no idea what I was saying. What was I saying? It doesn’t matter. But um…yeah, you know…it takes ages as well, it goes on and on and on. Now!…the…the…the…the…um…the other thing…you know… I don’t know! Yes! Intimacy…and what is real and what is not. And I suppose…you know… the conditions have to be right of course for…for…for…for love to happen. You know…it is much more difficult to be female, I grant you that. Because the body’s more complicated. You know, if you’re born a woman all these things happen to you. You’re a baby, then a child, then a girl, then a girl-woman and all these things are going on. It’s a constant opera with masks keep falling to the floor throughout your life. “Who am I? I don’t know! Watch out I’m !+$%$!# nuts.” And… If you’re a male, you know, you’re born, you have a finger up your nose… and the other hand on your dick and you get taller. And that is really it. And it’s fairly amazing… to think of the…the…the ludicrous taboos… that persist amongst us, informed, intelligent, able people. Just from biology. For all these years… it is still a difficult thing to talk about menstruation… with a woman if you’re male. And you find this out as a young man… very quickly. ’cause you’re talking to somebody and you’re saying: “Listen…listen…I agree with everything you’re carving on the kitchen table.” “I do.” “I really, really do.” “But do you think it’s possible you may feel this way… “perhaps because of your per…aaaggghhh!!!” That first high-kick to the thorax generally does the trick. If you address the subject at all thereafter… it’s always in the most feeble way. You go: “Yes, yes, I know, haha, yes,…” “have you seen the Moon?” You don’t… And we’re told and it’s traditional… that things have to be just right for a woman… for certain exchanges… and acts to happen between you. If you care about somebody… really, properly care…it has to be just right. You know…we’re told that men don’t need very much. They just…you know…they just appear. All circumstances are fine for any sensitive occasion. Whereas with women things have to be right. You know, people are saying “I love you” all the time to reassure one another. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” In bed as they’re making love. – “I love you. I love you.” – “Why have you got ham in your bed?” This is what women say. – “Why?” – “I don’t know. It’s there. “Are you hungry? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry?” “You might be hungry later. I don’t know. But it’s there. I’m prepared.” And… – “What is the noise? There’s noise downstairs.” – “It’s nothing. It’s my flatmate.” “Forget it. He won’t hear anything.” “I’ll tell him everything later anyway. Don’t worry about it…” – “No, we must have music.” – “Alright! Christ! I love you. I love you.” “Now…there.” – “Not Wagner!” “I feel like I’m being invaded.” – “Oh God! What’s the point?” “You’re just lying there anyway, you’ve taken all the lingerie off. This is too easy.” “Can’t you hide under the bed and send up a flare or something.” “This has to be a game for me.” All these games. All the fear. Very difficult to tell some people you love them, of course. Very difficult to tell your father you love him if you’re a man. – “I love you, Dad.” – “Oh yeah…hmm…hmm…oh yeah…yeah…” “You ok for money?” – “I’m very good for money. I just want to tell you that I love you.” – “Oh…yeah…yeah. I’ll tell your mother.” You know, it’s a difficult thing. So these people talking in the restaurant… maybe about what they don’t really understand, will find out later. With everything that happens to them. And when they go to bed at night years and years later they do achieve a kind of real intimacy. But you have to know somebody very well to be able to say: “I hate the way you breathe.” “Why do you breathe like that? It sounds like it’s coming through your !+$%$!# forehead!” “I haven’t slept in 35 years!” “Do you have any idea how fat you actually are? Do you? Do you have any !+$%$!# idea?” “No, you don’t, do you? Because your little face…” “…is an island trapped in the sea of flab!” “I would stab you to death but I can’t…” “afford to take the two weeks off work!” Nothing that can’t be sorted out by a nice cup of tea. But it is difficult. It is of course… the people who…who…who love you, who know you… who can wound you. That is the terrible vulnerability. These people know how you…how you… how you work. You can take all kinds of abuse from strangers or people at work or… people on the street. It doesn’t matter. You brush it all off. But you don’t have to get rage or obscenity from somebody who knows you. They just have to say the right thing at the right time. “Your nosehair…” “which is grey…” “is in my eye.” That’ll do it! We’re all… very woundable. We all want a certain treatment. You want to hear things said in a certain way. I heard a terrible story… I…I…I didn’t even…I didn’t think this kind of thing happened. But this happened… This guy knows a guy, it happened… the guy I know, knows another guy… it happened to him. And..I’m… very well connected. And… he told me this man was in bed with his…with his person…and… they were making love. And she actually called out the wrong name. I didn’t think that could happen. She called out the wrong name. And when I heard that I thought: ‘How would you ever recover from something like that?’ You’d be destroyed! But then I realized, you know, it wouldn’t even have to be the wrong name. Somebody could just say your name in the wrong way. Because everybody wants to hear: “Oh, John!” But you don’t want to hear: “John!” Or: “John?” But the very worst, you know, patronizing, comforting one: “Ohhoho, John.” These things can change your life! Ladies and gentlemen, that is all from me. Thank you very much for coming. I’ve enjoyed talking to you. Good night. Ok…you know..quickly ’cause… you’ve got to go. Hm? Listen, the thing is… you will get to a certain point in your lives. You get older, you know. You may have read about it. And… people don’t age well in this country. Look at them… You see continental people, tourists, they come around,… you know the people who are bicycling around in their red and yellow cagoules… pointing at cathedrals… With springy white hair… and rimless, lenseless, glassless spectacles. Having a wonderful time… Living on yoghurt,… going home and having sex… even though they’re eighty-three hundred years old. It doesn’t happen like that here, in Britainand Ireland. You see people aging. It’s all wrong. They’re wearing brown. They’re at bus stops. They bend over… holding a half a tin of cat food in a plastic bag. Talking about the weather they haven’t seen in the last 15 years. Mumbling rubbish… getting closer to the graves… so they don’t have that far to jump when it actually opens up. Denying their vitality. That’s not the way we should age. You should be as alive as can until you’re totally dead. In all respects. In every sphere. It is…wait! I think you see… this is a popular movement. It is of course dangerous. You have to take advice. You know, you can’t be gung-ho about it. If you’re going to make love to somebody and you’re very, very old and they’re… very, very old you have to be sensible. It is…I hate to use the word ‘lube’ but I just have. You have to pretend you’re swimming the Channel. It’s…look you change, you all… your body changes… it’s a tinder box down there. It would be a terrible way to be found the next morning – two charred skeletons still smouldering in the wheel-barrow position. Nobody wants to be remembered like that. You want to be remembered with affection… and dignity. You might have to think about what you’re going to say. You might have to say something quite good. You probably won’t. You’ll say something rubbish like: “Do you think this is off?” They’ll be the last words you’ll ever say. Or worse: “Hey everybody, watch this!” But before you do… it’s great if you can meet the other person you’re supposed to share this mystery with. And you know when that happens I think. People know when that happens to them… because you often meet that person at a particular time in your life. Sometimes when you’re young and poor. You know, when you’re living in a room. You’re both live in rooms… where you have all your #%@@… ’cause you’re poor. And it’s lit by candlelight and you climb the stairs… to that person’s room. They’ve been to yours and now you’re going to theirs. It’s serious. And… you’re standing opposite that person and there is a moment… where you realize you’re not looking at an expression of… fleeting lust or some sort of passing of the time… you know…in the surrounding befuddlement. Where actually…you know each other… you know you want to be together. And you realize it and it’s an amazing moment when you… the other person’s actually taking their clothes off in front of you… smiling from the very middle of themselves at you… saying: “I want to be with you.” And you’re looking at them with their bare shoulders all shimmering in this… roseate candlelight. And you realize this is the person for you. And then… and then the cage comes down! And your mother jumps from the wardrobe! With a cigarillo pointing out of the corner of her mouth… and you kill her with a trowel. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. Good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

CRAIG FERGUSON: TICKLE FIGHT (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-tickle-fight-2017-full-transcript/

Comedian and Emmy-winning television host Craig Ferguson brings his quick wit and offbeat humor to the stage as he returns with his second Netflix original one-hour stand-up special. Performing before a packed-house at Montreal’s Ludger-Duvernay Theatre at the 2017 Just For Laughs Festival, Ferguson tackles topics including the challenges of growing a beard, his love of hating magicians, coming of age in the 70’s, social media angst, and sharing what he believes to be the oldest joke in the world. [“Can your Pussy Do the Dog” by the Cramps playing] ♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪ ♪ You better move along… ♪ ♪ At the break of dawn ♪ ♪Now doggone it, baby… ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog… ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Well this whole mess useless now as a whistle on a plow ♪ ♪ If your pussy can’t do the dog… ♪ [applause] [audience cheering] [chuckles] Hey, you. Hi, everybody! Hi! Look at me going backwards and forwards to annoy the cameramen. [audience laughs] I’m very happy to be here with you tonight. I– Do you know why I’m doing this? I’ll tell you why I’m doing this. It’s absolutely true. I used to start every show with “It’s a great day for America.” When I was touring around America, I’d say, “It’s a great day for America,” and that’s what I’d say. And then… right about November… [audience laughing] [applause] Yeah. Right? All right, all right. Right about November of last year, I’d say “It’s a great day for America,” and people would go fucking crazy! At each other! So I started doing this… in case anyone has a scope. [audience laughs] It’s a very difficult time, of course, for talking about– What I do for a living– You talk, people get very angry. People are very– The world is divided right now. Divided. You know, 70 percent of people are like, “Boo!” And 30 percent of people are like, “Bah!” They were like that before. But the world is divided over his opinion right now, and it’s very difficult to make everybody happy. You know what I’m talking about, right? We know who I’m talking about here. That’s right. My beard. [audience laughs] But it’s not a beard, everybody. It is not a beard. It is a mustache with an [French accent] accoutrement. [audience laughs] ‘Cause, you know, this what happened. I grew a mustache, and then I was like, “Oh, that is too fucking creepy.” So… so I had to go an extra bit to kind of bring it down a little bit, but I can’t really grow a beard. See? Look. Come on. Oh, my God. Look at your beard, you handsome fuck. No, you. It’s not TV. I can fucking see you. That is a great– See, I wish I could grow a beard like– Look at it! Jeez! You grow a beard like taking a shit, right? Like, “Foom! Pfft! Beard.” This is two years. Like, the mustache comes pretty fast. I’m like,”Look at my mustache. I look dashing but weird and creepy like The Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” but… I heard this takes a long time, but I’ve got– This is a mustache with an accoutrement. I’ve got other mustaches all over my body. I do! I have a handle bar mustache under each nipple. I have a whiz bang on my ass. That’s a whiz bang mustache. You know what I’m talking about, right? Whiz bang mustache; a curly mustache with a curly bang– a whiz bang. Not the wiz bang sex thing. Which I think is a thing. Yeah, wiz bang’s gotta be a sex thing. Like, a wiz bang. I think a wiz bang is when you have sex with someone from a Harry Potter film, and… and then you shout, “Wiz bang!” at the end. “Wiz bang! Ten points to Gryffindor.” [audience laughing] “No, thank you, Hagrid.” [audience member hoots] I’m covered in mustaches all over my body. People are outraged, but I don’t care. Got a little Hitler mustache above my junk. I do! Yeah, I do! Why not? I got Hitler mustache above my junk, which is great, because when I get excited, it looks like I’m giving a Nazi salute in my pants. [chuckling] [German accent] “Hi, baby. I’ll have sex with you now.” “Oh come on, Craig. You can’t make fun of the Germans.” Yes, I can. It is the only group of people left on Earth you can make fun of. It is! You can’t make fun of fat people, or thin people or mi– Short people. You can’t say “short.” “No, don’t say it.” “I’m not going to!” You can’t make fun of anyone! Actually, not even Germans. They have to be Germans from the 1940s. [audience laughs] No, you can make fun of Germans. They don’t care. Like, [German accent] “Oh, it’s okay. Make fun of us. It’s all right. Pull our hair. Tweak our whiz bangs.” Germans don’t give a flat fuck what I think. That’s my new thing I say to appeal to kids. Flat fuck. Hashtag: F-F. “Flat fuck” is probably a sex thing, too. Yeah. [chuckles] A flat fuck… is sex in a British apartment. [audience laughing] [British accent] “I say, would you like to have a flat fuck? And by ‘flat,’ I mean ‘apartment,’ and by ‘fuck,’ I mean ‘tea.'” So… [chuckles] [Southern accent] “So, you’d like me to have tea with ya in your apartment, and not sex in any way.” [British accent] “Absolutely.” “Whiz bang this way. Walk this way.” No, I am covered in hair. It’s all right. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Everything’s going to be all right. I have facial hair, which is– Really, it’s interesting. When I was doing the late night show, people would get so angry when I was– I could talk about anything else. I could talk about religion, or politics, or anything. They’re like, “It’s all right. He’s just a douchebag from a different country.” But… when I grew facial hair, people would go crazy. Cat ladies were like, “Ah!” They were like that anyway, but still! Even today. You know, on the on the internet, on Twitter, which is usually such a supportive forum of… [audience laughing] Somebody on Twitter said– I’m going to go on with the show in a minute. I will. Somebody on Twitter said, “Craig, that facial hair makes your mouth look like a horizontal threadbare vagina.” [sparse laughter] [laughter increases] [applause] [chuckling] I realize half of the guys in this room are like, “What the fuck is he doing? Why’s he touching the side of his mouth like that? That’s weird. Is that a European thing?” “Yeah!” [chuckles] People get very– Cat ladies would get so mad. [stammers] “Craig, you can’t have a mustache,” they used to tweet. “You can’t have a mustache. Tom Selleck has the mustache. That was a real one. Tom Selleck has the mustache.” I’m like, “It’s not their mustache.” It’s not like The Highlander: [Scottish accent] “There can be only one.” Anybody can have a mustache. Come on. I don’t know why cat ladies get so annoyed at me having a mustache. Anyway, what the fuck is a cat? A cat’s, like, 80 percent mustache. That’s what a cat is. A mustache, asshole, and claws. That’s what a cat is. It’s also the name of my lawyers. So no illegal videotaping, or you’ll be getting– I don’t know. There’s kind of a rumor amongst the cat ladies that I don’t like cat ladies, which is not true. It’s not true at all. I was raised by a cat lady. Well, you know, not really. My grandmother was a cat lady. She didn’t have a cat, but she was an angry, unpleasant bitter woman, and I think that kind of counts. I had my first sexual experience at my grandmother’s house. Oh, not like that! Don’t be so sick! A little bit like that. No, not like that! No, I was at my grandmother’s house. I used to stay there after school, because my mom had a job. So my grandmother used to look after me, but she didn’t have time to really look after a little kid that was a fat little annoying boy. She had angry letters to write and stuff, so… This is before Twitter. It was a tough time for cat ladies. So she used to leave me alone and what I would always do is I found the Sears catalog, the Scottish Sears catalog, and I used to go to the ladies’ underwear section of the Scottish Sears catalog. It was very erotic. Big giant robust women, in whalebone corsets… standing around in fields pretending to eat apples. [audience laughing] I’ve got a bit of a stiffy just talking about it right now. [chuckling] There’s kind of a rumor with the cat ladies. What I’m saying is the cat– By the way, the cat ladies think that I don’t like cats, which is not true. I love cats. I’ve got a cat. I’m not one of these guys that, like– Guys say this. They’re like, [deep voice] “I don’t like cats. I don’t trust them.” Trust is a human concept. I have three dogs. I wouldn’t lend them money. [audience laughs] [as a dog] “It was just ’til the end of the week.” No! You can’t trust animals like that. They think differently. You can’t trust of hamster with your weed. [audience laughing] I learned that the hard way. I will say this: I love all God’s creatures, or all the universe’s creatures, whatever your belief system is, but I… I don’t care for hamsters. That’s the only one. I don’t like them. They’re bastards. I don’t like hamsters. I was raised– I wasn’t raised by hamsters. [laughs] That would be great, though, if I was. Like, “Why does he do that all the time?” [chuckles] No, I hated hamsters when I was growing up, because they break your heart, hamsters. They’re little bastards. ‘Cause they all– they keep– They’re suicidal. All hamsters want to do is die. We went through one a month. Every time you got hamster, all it wants to do is get behind the refrigerator and die! We moved house when I was about 16. We moved the refrigerator, there was a pile of hamster bones behind it. And they had formed into a church. [audience groans] You’re right. That got a little too dark. But you know, it’s worth trying. Anyway, let’s go on with the show. Right? We’ll go on. Here’s the thing. No, here’s the thing. If you’ve ever seen me before, you’ll know that you’re in for an evening of crushing disappointment. [audience laughs] Maybe that’s if you had sex with me before. I’m joking, of course. If you’ve ever see me before, you’ll know what I like to do with the evening is tell a joke. Just one. That’s all I usually have time for, because I get easily sidetracked. But I do have a joke for you this evening, and I’m very excited about it, because it is, in fact, the oldest joke in the world. [audience] Woooo! Wait, don’t do ghost noises. I don’t want to get scared! But It is the oldest joke in the world. I don’t know if it’s the old– Here’s the thing. My friend Cara is an Egyptologist, right? And she’s in Egypt, because… why not? Very little point in going to Winnipeg if you’re an Egyptologist. “Find any pyramids and shit?” “Not a thing.” So, she’s in– she’s in Egypt, she called me up and said, “We are on an archaeological dig right now, and we believe we have found the remains of a public bathroom.” I was like, “Oh, weird.” She went, “Yeah, but even weirder, on the wall written in Hieroglyphics, is a joke.” I was like, “Wow.” I don’t know if it’s the oldest joke, but it’s the first written joke in the world. Before this joke, jokes were told in the oral tradition, which would never work today, but they are– [audience laughs] But it’s the first written joke. And of course, it was a huge change in human society when jokes arrived, and they started writing them down. Writing changed everything. You know, and it was a huge leap forward. You know, and it split down the middle. Some people really were for writing. Like, “Writing is going to be great! Writing is going to change everything. Sooner or later we’ll get to the enlightenment through writing.” And then there were people who didn’t like writing. They were like, “No, we don’t like it.” At least, we think they thought that. They left no record of how they actually felt. But you know there were people against even writing. There would be people like, “Oh, I don’t know if it’s a good idea. All this writing’s gonna lead to fornicating.” [audience laughs] They always do. You know, it’s always whenever something arrives, anything at all, whenever there’s any change, humans are against it. It’s the only thing that unites all humans, is their hatred of change. Which I think is really weird, because it is the only thing you can absolutely guarantee: That there’s going to be change. There’s always going to be change. For example, in America, in November of last year… [audience laughs] [chuckles] …there was a bit of a change. Don’t worry, I’m not getting into the politics of it. I’m not that guy. I’m not going to think it, but I have to say this. When I saw that, I was like, “Hmm. Shit.” I have only ever regretted leaving late night once. [audience cheering] When I heard… [applause] When I heard… When I heard Donald Trump was running for president, I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” [audience laughs] That’s like when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. It’s just beautiful. I mean, come on! That’s a gift. I used to have to work at monologues. Now this fucker runs for president? [audience laughs] And I knew right away. I knew right away he was gonna win. Right away I knew. Other people were like, “No, he’s not gonna win.” I knew he was gonna win right from the very first debate. The very first one. The first Republican debate, when it was Jeb Bush, said to Donald Trump– Remember Jeb Bush? Wasn’t he adorable and non-threatening? Jeb Bush said to Donald Trump, he said, “Uh… Donald, you said something bad about Mexico, and my wife is Mexican, I would like you to apologize to her.” And Trump said, “No.” [audience laughs] I was like, that’s it. He’s gonna fucking win. And I– You know, it always happens. I’m thinking, “Jeb, you fucking idiot. You idiot. You have painted yourself into a corner. You said to a man, ‘Apologize to my wife.’ That man said, ‘No.’ Now you have to fucking hit him. It’s in the Constitution of the United States!” [applause] I knew he was going to win. I knew– I knew he was going to win. I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Just that amount of self-confidence. I know America. I’m American. I’ve studied Americans. They like someone who’s confident. It doesn’t matter if they’re right. Just confident. It’s that level of self-confidence is unbelievable to me. I was watching him, I’m like, “How often does somebody like that turn up?” [audience laughs] I mean, it’s that level of confidence. Look, you can like him or hate him, or you can agree with him or not agree with him, but… that’s inspirational. Do you think he ever wakes up like a normal human being at four o’clock in the morning, and thinks, “Maybe I’m a dick.” I don’t think so. I think he wakes up and goes, “I’m not a dick.” Everybody thinks that, but I don’t think he does. I think he’s totally confident. Like, “Oh I’m not a dick.” And even like half of his own party are calling him a dick, and everybody from half of the world is calling you a dick. Maybe more. You know, it was so difficult for me as well. I felt personally that I’d been shortchanged, because where I come from, in Glasgow in Scotland, the word “trump” means “shit.” [audience laughing] You’d say, “I had Indian food last night. I’ve been trumpin’ my brains out all day.” Or, “Ah, shit! That seagull just trumped in my hair.” No, that’s not true. But if somebody tweets it… [applause] That’s right. That’s how stuff becomes true now, everybody. Tweet it, retweet it, retweet it, fucking true. [audience laughs] See, it used to be… in the old days of journalism– you young kids won’t remember this, but in the old days of journalism, they used to do something called “fact checking.” And fact checking, what they would do is they find out if something was true first before they reported it. Isn’t that adorable? [audience laughs] Now it’s like, “Got to be first!” Like, “Is it true?” “Who fucking cares? Get it up there! Quickly! First! Tweet, retweet, tweet!” It’s on the website. “Boom, boom!” Right? It’s on Buzzfeed, right next to “Six Celebrities who are taller than you’d think.” [audience laughing] “Wow, Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one? I can’t believe it.” Oh, she is. She is. We can make that happen. Like, if we start tweeting tonight, “Reese Witherspoon is six-foot-one,” in about a month, she’ll be six-foot-fucking-one. She’ll be going for jobs as, like, this sassy blonde, and they’ll be like, “No, she’s too tall.” “What height is she?” “Six-foot-one.” “Are you sure?” Reese Witherspoon will google herself, and go, “What the fuck is going on?” I’ve never met her, but I’m sure that’s how she talks. “What the fuck is going on?” and then she’ll, like a little hamster, then she’ll go behind the refrigerator. All right, all right. You’re right. That was too dark. Anyway, look, the point is, I think I’m gonna shave my beard off. -[audiene oohs] -Oh! Excuse me? Did I say, “Let’s have an audience poll”? [audience laughs] No. I think I’m gonna have to shave it off. I’ll tell you why. Because I have a 16 year old son– I have two sons, but one of them 16, and he said something to me about my beard, and I’m like, “You…” [audience laughs] He said– he said, “Dad, I like your beard.” I was like, “Mm-hmm.” He was like, “Yeah. Makes you look like a magician.” [audience laughing] “Fuck you.” That’s how you deal with teenagers, parents. You know, good parenting: “Fuck you.” [chuckles] ‘Cause he knows– ’cause he knows I hate magic and I hate magicians. Oh, yeah. “Ta-da.” “Fuck off.” I don’t like it. “Oh, what’d you call–” “Put them away!” “Look what’s in my hat.” I don’t care what’s in your fucking hat. See, now I tell people that I don’t like magic and magicians, and they’re like, “Craig, what are you talking about? You love magic. You love magicians. You’re the only late night host in the history of late night television that had Magic Week twice a year for ten years. You are the magician’s friend.” Au contraire, motherfuckers. [audience laughs] No, I don’t like magic and magicians. I didn’t have Magic Week on the late night show because I like magic and magicians. I had Magic Week, ’cause my friend Chris likes tequila. Let me explain. I couldn’t tell this story before, because it’s technically illegal. It’s illegal. What’s CBS going to do? Fire me? It’s too late. So, here’s the thing. -[audience cheers] -Thank you, everybody. [applause] [chuckling] So here’s the story. Here’s what happened. This is true. This is why it happened. Just when I started doing the late night show, my friend Chris went to Las Vegas for the first time. Uh, he’s a nice kid from Wisconsin. Crazy, lovely guy, and he never been to Las Vegas before. So he went, and he was there for the first time, and he loved it. It was fantastic. He was staying at the MGM Grand, the one with the big lions and stuff. And his first morning there, he goes down to the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. I don’t have you been to Vegas, but it’s very classy, and you can eat anything you want. And he’d never been, and he was like, “So I can have anything? Anything at all for breakfast? Anything?” And they’re like, “Yeah.” “Okay, I’ll have tequila. Ha-ha-ha.” And they thought he was cute, so they gave him tequila. Which is not a good idea. You should never– Kids, never have tequila for breakfast. Tequila for breakfast can lead to tequila for mid morning snack, and… What happened is that Chris started drinking tequila at 9:00 a.m., which is very bad idea. And right at about two o’clock in the afternoon, he did something which you should never do on tequila. He had an idea. [audience laughing] Here’s what happened. He was like… [mutters] And he goes outside, ’cause he thought, “I have to see a bit of outside.” He goes outside, and the complimentary limousine for the MGM is outside. And the driver isn’t in it, but he left the engine running, because of the air conditioning. So the engine’s running, and it’s got “complimentary limousine” written on it, and he thinks… “Well, if it’s complementary… That’s French for ‘free,’ isn’t it? [French accent] Complementary. I’ll take it!” So he got in the limousine, and he drove it away. [audience laughs] That’s not allowed. He drove this complimentary limousine away, and he was driving down The Last Vegas Strip, and he’s like, he starts– He’s not a bad guy. Chris is a good guy. He starts to go, “Wait a minute. What have I done?” He’s got “Bad Chris” on one shoulder, and “Good Chris” on another shoulder. Bad Chris is like, “Yeah, let’s make for the border! Ha-ha! Fuck everybody!” And Good Chris is going, “Chris, what are you doing?” ‘Cause Good Chris is gay. [audience laughing] That doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry. [chuckling] What are you doing, Chris? Eventually, Good Chris won the day. And Chris is like, “Oh, my God. I can’t do this,” so he stops the car. This is true. He stopped the car in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip, and he got out and there’s fucking helicopters and cops chasing him, He was like, “It’s fucking going off!” and he put his hands up, and he did what many– certainly I might do in that situation, he put his hands up and he started to cry. Big salty wet tears falling down. But unfortunately, the Last Vegas Police Department have seen a grown man cry before. [audience laughing] And their hearts did not grow three sizes that day. And they took my friend Chris, and they put him in jail. In jail. Chris can’t go to jail. He’s a beautiful, smooth kid. He’s gorgeous. I mean, he’s really a handsome guy. I’m not gay, but I’d start a tickle fight with him, see where it went. Oh, we’re tickling. Ha-ha, buddy. We’re tickling. Ooh, we’re kissing. Okay, we’re kissing. [audience laughing] That’s all right. It’s cool. [laughs] Anyway, here’s the thing. As they take Chris and put him in jail, he’s freaking out. So, you know, he’s like– They say, “Okay you get to make one telephone call. Only one.” And he’s freaking out, he’s still kind of drunk on tequila, and he can only remember one telephone number. The place where he works. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS. That’s true. So I got a call in my office that afternoon. This guy says, “Will you accept a call from The Last Vegas City Jail?” I was like, “You bet I will! [audience laughs] [applause] Yes, indeed! I was wondering what the monologue was going to be tonight. Yeah!” So, well… I actually thought it was family, so I– [audience laughs] But it was Chris, and he was like, “Man, I fucked up! I’m in a jail in Vegas. I’m in a lot of trouble. I stole a car, and oh man, it’s bad.” I was like, “Chris! Oh my God! This is awful. Don’t start any tickle fights, don’t look at them in the eye. Don’t worry buddy, I’m gonna come get you. I’m going to get you out of there, buddy. You hang tight.” He’s like, “Okay,” and I hung up, then I thought, “I’m not going to Vegas.” [audience laughs] Then I thought, “I gotta get him out of there. He’s way too smooth to be in jail in Las Vegas.” No– You know, he’s not equipped for that kind of thing, so… I thought, “How am I going to get him out?” I don’t know if you know this about me, but in the 1980s, [chuckles] I worked in Manhattan. I worked in the Manhattan Island area of New York City, and I was still “waiting on my green card confirmation.” [audience laughing] and so I worked in construction for some guys who had an informal employment arrangement, and… [audience laughs] I kept in touch with one of the guys from the life back in the 80s, so I called up this guy– You know, let’s call him “Tony.” I call up Tony, and I’m like, “Hey, Tony. It’s Craig. He was like, “Hey, what’s a come and a go? Tutti frutti. Ay-ya-ya. Ay, ha-ha! Oh, icecream!” He’s Italian. I call up Tony, and tell him about Chris. He’s like, “I don’t know anybody in Las Vegas.” I was like, “Oh, no.” But he said he did know a guy in Philly who might be able to help, so we called up his friend in Philly. Let’s call him “Carmine.” [audience laughs] Also Italian. But Carmine didn’t know anyone in Vegas, either, but he did know a guy in Chicago. I’m like, “All right.” We get on the line and call this guy in Chicago. Let’s call him “Frankie.” Um… So, we got– [chuckles] And Frankie does actually know a guy in Las Vegas, We call up this guy– That– This is what happened. Three Italians and a Scotsman on the– It’s not even a joke! That’s what was happening. [audience laughs] And we call up this guy in Las Vegas. I swear, it’s true. A judge in Las Vegas that you know, Frankie knows. And… I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but it’s true. This is how you know it’s true, ’cause it’s so outlandish, you’re like, “That can’t be true.” But it’s true. The judge was completely honest, and in no way open to a bribe. [audience laughs] I was like, “This is fucking Las Vegas we’re talking about, right?” But the judge was like, “No, I can’t help you, fellas.” But we got talking, and threatening, and… [audience laughs] And eventually, it turned out that– I swear this is true. It could only happen in America. It could really only happen in Las Vegas. It turned out the judge was not only a judge. He also represented magicians. [audience laughs] [chuckles] I swear it’s true. Now, the magicians that this judge represented, they weren’t kind of like, you know, white tiger magicians or David Copperfield, or anything like that. They were off the strip magicians. You know, North Las Vegas magicians. Guys that were jumping out of dumpsters, going, “Eh!” So we talk to this judge, and the judge says, “All right, Craig. I’ll tell you what. You book Magic Month– A month of my magicians, and I’ll let your buddy walk.” I’m like, “Magic Month?” He went, “Magic Month.” I went, “Fuck it, Judge. Hang him.” [audience laughs] So we argue a little bit. We get it down to Magic Week. And I book five of these shitty magicians, and Chris walks, and… What was he really guilty of, anyway? High spirits in Las Vegas? Well, the judge pointed out technically it was grand theft auto and a DUI. One to five in Nevada, first time. I know. Tickle fight. That’s how, you know– That’s how I had Magic Week, because I had to get Chris out of jail. Now, I know that explains one Magic Week. It doesn’t explain Magic Week twice a year for ten years. It’s not like I was running a crime syndicate in Las Vegas. What happened was, I booked five of these shitty magicians, but if you remember that late night show, shitty magicians was kind of the vibe I was going for. [audience laughs] But when I tell people, “I don’t like magicians.” They’re like, “Craig, you love magicians. Who are you, man? You like cats. You’ve got more than one mustache. You hate magicians? You’re not the guy we made up in our heads when we were watching free TV when we were high. [audience laughs] We don’t recognize you.” And I understand. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m 55 years old for God’s sake. [audience hoots] How dare you? Ooh, still not dead. Look at you. No, 55. I was like, “I should have been dead a while ago, I think, really.” Thanks. No! I don’t know what happened. I’ve changed beyond all recognition. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I don’t– I don’t fuck around. I don’t take drugs. I don’t gamble. I don’t eat meat. I don’t do dairy. I’ve got Mormons coming up to me saying, “You should lighten the fuck up, pal.” [audience laughing] [applause] [chuckling] You know what it is? It’s– Los Angeles did it to me. Los Angeles turned me into a pussy. Actually, I kind of stopped drinking before I went to LA. Stopped taking drugs before I went there. Stopped taking drugs before– Scotland, really, I did all the drugs. That’s right. I did all the drugs in Scotland. No, I did all the drugs. Like, “Does anyone have some heroin?” They’re like, “No, Craig’s taken it all.” “But we want to do Trainspotting.” “Sorry.” I did a lot of drugs in Scotland. That’s– that’s where I needed them. Not to escape the violence, and Sectarian hatred. You get used to that. [audience laughs] It’s like living next to the airport. Hardly notice it after a while. [screams] What, what? Oh, ha-ha. Yeah, yeah. No, I needed drugs in Scotland. Not to escape that kind of stuff, but to escape my mother’s sense of interior design. Now remember, I came of age in the 1970s, the worst design period in human history. It was awful. It was a terrible time to do it. You young hipsters bring it back even fucking ironically. It was a terrible time in the 1970s. It was awful. Life was hell. They had nylon bed sheets in the 1970s. What kind of madness is that? Nylon bed sheets? That’s crazy! When I was staying at my grandmother’s house, when I was 16, I used to have to sleep in the spare bedroom. There were nylon sheets on that bed, and I was in there, I was 16, with a Sears catalog. [audience laughs] You got a teenage boy and a Sears catalog, there’s going to be friction. And fiction plus nylon equals electricity. [audience laughing] I thought Jesus was angry with me. [applause] It was a terrible time in 1970s. Everyone had sideburns. Everyone had sideburns! Men had sideburns, women had sideburns. Everyone was covered in hair. It was terrible. Everyone was hairy. It’s true. If you look at 70s porno, it looks like a documentary about bears. [audience laughs] [chuckles] No, I came of age during the– There’s this terrible period in human design, and then you combine that with my own Mother’s– Listen, I loved my mother. I did, but she had the design instincts of a Middle Eastern dictator. Maybe worse, even. If Saddam Hussein had come to her house, he’d have been like, “This is a bit over the top. Don’t you think?” [audience laughing] ‘Cause Saddam Hussein talked like gay Dracula. [audience laughs] That’s so… [chuckling] My apologies to any gay vampires. [groans] [as a vampire] “Finally, a joke for us. One. One joke for us.” It was terrible in her house, because it was the 70s, and because it was my mom’s design. Those of you that were around in the 1970s, we used to– we used to sit around the TV. A TV was like a phone, except you couldn’t get calls on it. It was weird. Uh… Uh, but we used to sit, and it was a small room and a TV, and then those of you that remember the 1970s, you’ll remember that wallpaper. You probably remember. The wallpaper with the onions? The kind of onion thing on it? There was onions and a kind of a line held together by kind of a membrane. You know I’m talking about? It was kind of like a brown and yellow kind of onion. It looked like Larry King’s testicles on the wall. Not that I’ve seen Larry King’s testicles. [audience laughing] I’ve seen one. But it was from a distance. He was running away, so… “Why are you chasing me?” “Come on Larry, let’s have a tickle fight.” [chuckles] It was like, they had a Larry King testicle wallpaper which was– Oh, my God. It was horrible. Then on the ceilings, in the 1970s, they used to put this stuff that looked like whipped cream with porridge in it. It looked like– It looked like seagulls’ shit with grit inside it or something. This– this weird ceiling gunk. It was like meringues on the ceiling. Highly flammable. You get on nylon sheets and jerk off… the whole thing would go up. [audience laughing] Ta-da! So… So, you got– [chuckles] You got that Larry King’s testicles on the wall, and there’s seagulls’ shit on the ceiling, and then shag carpeting. Shag carpeting looked like mammoth pubes on the floor. Shag carpeting the color of an Orange Julius, or perhaps a particular president. There’s, uh… There’s orange shit on the floor, the things up there, and the fucking that. It was like… [applause] It was like being on bad acid in that room. And sometimes, I was on bad acid in that room. And then, in the center of the room, there was the pièce de résistance. Which of course, as you know, is French for “piece of resistance.” [audience laughing] Conversation piece coffee table. Everyone had one in the 1970s. We were no exception. They had to be good, right? It had to be kind of, like, a flamboyant thing. Like, “This is our little Versailles in the middle of our house.” And ours, it was meant to look like this ornate coffee table. It was meant to have four marble legs, but we couldn’t afford marble. So, it was like gray plastic with a purple line drawn on it. It was very penis-y. [audience laughing] Like four straight penises coming at ya. Sounds better than it was. [laughs] Four penis-y legs, and then– And then on top of that, a fabric which has since been outlawed since the 70s: Burgundy velveteen. It was terrible. And then it’s on top of the burgundy velveteen, a tableau made out of some kind of recycled metal, uh, of horses galloping. But it wasn’t horses galloping like that, galloping along. It was like they were coming towards you. It was their faces. Like, “Ah!” Four horses, and then on top of that, smoked glass, ’cause you gotta have smoked glass, ’cause it’s the 1970s. So, it looked like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming at you from some sort of dangerous volcano. It was impossible to do drugs off of that table. [audience laughs] I’d chop a line, go down to get it, see the horses, shit my pants, and run away. No. It was bad. So, you know, anyway, I don’t do drugs anymore, I don’t drink, You know, I’m cleaned up. I’m all right. I’m a vegan, for God sakes. Truth. No, save your energy, vegans. [audience laughing] [laughs] No, I am, though. I am vegan. It’s weird when you’re vegan. It makes people angry, doesn’t it? People get angry when you say– Well, Americans get angry. They’re like, “Vegan? You hate America now?” Americans get angry. Canadians… they don’t get angry. They just don’t understand the concept. Like, [Canadian accent] “Vegan. Okay! [audience laughing] Can you have bacon?” But people think you’ve joined a cult, or something, when you become a vegan. Like, “Can you have an egg?” It’s like, “I can have what I want. It is a dietary choice.” It’s not like if I have an egg, the vegan SWAT team are gonna show up. “Hi, we’re the vegan SWAT team. Oh, we’re tired.” [pants] [audience laughs] No, it’s just a choice. That’s what it is. You get old enough, you start to notice, you know, certain things have an effect on your body. For example, if I eat an egg, I don’t take a trump for three days. Oh, that’s a thing now. That’s a thing now. Yeah. It’s a thing now. [cheering, applause] That’s a thing. But you know, it’s– Then it’s the opposite if I drink milk. If I drink milk, it’s like… “Hrrrm. Hrrm, ah. Ow, ooh.” [whooshes] It’s like one of these weather guys in a hurricane or something. It’s horrible. [audience laughs] It’s just that I notice things have an effect. For me, the big one of course is alcohol. If I drink alcohol, I have an allergic reaction, which manifests itself in a craving for more alcohol. [audience laughs] And of course, that leads to more alcohol, and more alcohol. Before you know what’s happening, I wake up three days later in a shallow grave in Bogotá, with my fingers smelling like Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] [audience] Ooh. [applause] Wait, wait. You just fucking “Ooh” me? You just ooh-ed me, and then gave yourself a round of applause for ooh-ing me. “Ooh. Yeah, we showed him.” Let me just point out, it was not me that did that. [audience laughing] [imitates Bill Cosby] [applause] [chuckles] Look, what I’m saying is I don’t drink, and I don’t do drugs, I’m a vegan. You know the real reason I became a vegan? I know it’s probably not– It doesn’t behoove me to say it, but you know who I blame. Netflix… Fuckers. [audience laughing] My guess is this will be cut out. But… -[applause] -[chuckling] Welcome back from the edit, everybody. [audience laughing] [chuckling] No, you know what? Netflix is an excellent thing, isn’t it? [audience cheers] No, here’s the thing. I watched a documentary about, you know, uh, bad meat, or something, on Netflix. And I’m like, “Oh, no.” I stopped eating meat for a couple days, and then I tried to go back, and I can’t. It’s still in my mind. I keep thinking about it. It’s like the Sears catalog, but like food. Can’t get it out of my head. Can’t go back. Netflix has changed me. It’s changed me. Because of Netflix, I had to go to Japan. [audience member] Woo! -Let me explain. -[audience laughs] This is a true story. I– When I was about 13 years old, when I was 13, my father and I went on a father-son trip, the only one we ever took, to visit my uncle James, who lived in Long Island, just outside New York. It was my first time in America. It changed me. I wanted to go there. I wanted to be part of all that. I wanted to go and live in America. So, when my– So when my own son, you know, my oldest boy turned 13, I said, “Wherever you want to go in the world, son, you and me go there. Just you and me, and we’ll go there.” And I’m hoping like, “Come on, Montreal!” [audience cheers] [applause] Or “Wherever you’re watching this on Netflix.” I was like that. [audience laughing] “Wow, how did he know we were at– Yeah, no, people really like it here. In ‘our region'” So… [audience laughs] because we– we’ve been watching Netflix, I said to my son, I said, “Anywhere you want.” And because we watch Netflix– He watches Japanese anime. He loves anime. And he loves, like, Cowboy Bebop, and Soul Eater, and I guess Pokemon, and all that stuff. It’s all this amazing stuff. He loves all that, so he said, “No Dad, I want to go to Japan.” I never really thought about going to Japan. I wasn’t for it. I wasn’t against it. It just never really occurred to me. It was like having sex with a ginger person or something. It just never really… never really came up. [audience laughing] Maybe once with Carrot Top, I thought about it for a minute, but… I don’t like props. So, they… [chuckles] But I was wrong to not want to go to Japan. I mean, Japan is amazing. Somebody here must have been to Japan. Anyone been to Japan? It’s an unbelievable place. Beautiful place. I think when Japanese people visit the west, they must think we are backward heathen Medieval savages. Just by the way we clean our bottoms. And they may have a point. I mean, look, think about this. Imagine– I wouldn’t wish this on you, but imagine you got a little piece of… trump on your hand. [audience laughs] All right. Imagine you got a little piece of shit on your hand. It can happen. I don’t know. You’re at party, a tickle fight starts, you know. Suddenly, your fist is covered in human feces. Oh come on. We’ve all been there. [laughing] I feel happy not to be on CBS. But yeah… [audience laughs] No. Imagine you got a piece of shit on you, right? You don’t you don’t get a piece of dry paper off the wall, and go, “Okay, that’s it. Clean now. Yeah, that’s good. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] That’s what you do in the bathroom in the west. Poop, scrape, done. Japanese bathroom: Entirely different experience. You go to Japanese bathroom, it is tran-scen-fucking-dental, my friends. It’s beautiful. You walk in a Japanese bathroom, the lights change. It knows you’re there, and the Enya music starts up. [hums new-age tune] It’s beautiful, and the portal opens up to another dimension. It’s unbelievable. It’s just gorgeous. And you sit down in the seat, and it is warm. Warmed by electricity. Not that fat guy in front of you at the airport. Electricity! [applause] You’re like, “This is nice,” and you do your filthy business, and then when you’re finished, it knows when you’re finished. Which I think is weird, ’cause sometimes, I don’t even know when I’m finished. [audience laughs] But it knows. And when you’re finished, and you’re done, water jets start up. Water jets from underneath. You’re like, “Oh! What’s going on?” It’s like little midget firefighters are down there. Shhh! “Come on! Let’s get it out of here!” “Not on my watch! God damn it! Come on!” Like, “Oh! Oh, my God.” [audience laughing] When that’s over, you think, “It can’t get better than that.” You are wrong. Then, when that’s over, dryers start. Dryers! [hums deeply] It’s like monks are chanting directly into your anus. [humming deeply] [growling] [audience laughing] When that’s over, you think, “It can’t get better than that.” You’re wrong again! When that’s over… Ff– poof! A mushroom cloud of scented talcum powder. [audience laughing] I was like, “Oh!” [applause] [sobbing] It’s not often I say this, but I left that bathroom a better man than walked in. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Actually, the truth is, when it was over, I just sat there, like, “My God. Wonder if I could go again.” [audience laughing] But the toilet knows. “You can go again in four hours, 23 minutes.” “See you then, Nessen 5000.” “Take care, Space Cowboy.” So, thanks for that, Netflix, I guess. I, um… Just to think about it. I’m working for Netflix. We all kind of work for Netflix now. Like, it’s changed the world. This Netflix thing. You know, being able to watch shows when you want to watch it. There’s not just Netflix. There’s Netflix and Hulu and Crackle, and you know, Ass Bandit. I don’t know, all the different ones. And they– I don’t know if Ass Bandit is one. -But you know what I mean. -[audience laughs] There’s all these different things. You can watch whatever show you want to watch when you want to watch it, which I think is a good idea. Except… when it comes to the news. I don’t think you should be able to watch the news when you want to watch the news and what you want to watch, because it can have– that’s at the core of what’s going wrong, because all the conservatives watch Fox News so they can get the news the way they agree with it. And then all the liberals, they watch all the other media outlets to get the news the way they agree with it, and then people who don’t give a fuck just watch CNN. ‘Cause they really don’t give a fuck. That should be their thing now. [deep voice] “CNN: We don’t give a fuck.” Look out for my next special on CNN. [audience laughs] I get my news from the BBC. -[audience cheers, applause] -That’s right. Because, like many people, I believe if I hear the news in an English accent, -I’m somehow smarter than everybody else. -[audience laughs] Kind of works, though. It kind of works, that English accent. I don’t know why it works. I’ve met plenty of stupid English people. ‘Ello, Gov’na. ‘Ello. Wanna wiz bang?” [audience laughing] But that upper class English voice, it does it every time. I don’t know why it does it to me. It shouldn’t but it does. I hear the news, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah.” It’s like when they– [British accent] “Today in America, Donald Trump said something very naughty, and everyone is very upset.” I’m like, “I can imagine they are, BBC. Thanks for the info. I’ll just make a cup of tea, put some petrol in my lorry, and go away.” It’s that voice that does it every time. If you ever want to imply dignity and bearing, you use an English upper class voice. It always works. In Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi when they’re trying to get the Great Jedi Knight. They used Sir Alec Guinness. With that voice it was beautiful, that, [British accent] “So… you want to be a Jedi.” Which sounds great and much better than, [Southern accent] “So you wanna be a Jedi? [audience laughing] [snorts] Feel the force, Luke.” That voice does it every time. That voice. They did it with Hannibal Lecter too in Silence of the Lambs. ‘Cause he was just serial killer, but that’s not scary enough. You want to make him a very clever serial killer that will eat you after he kills you, so he would say, you know, that voice,Tony Hopkins, [British accent] “Do you hear the lambs, Clarice?” [audience laughing] Very frightening. It’s not frightening if you just said, “Do you hear Lambs?” I was never very frightened by that anyway, to be honest. I was frightened enough, but not extra frightened. I’m frightened of serial killers, but not of cannibal serial killers, ’cause once you’re dead… [audience laughing] It’s the whole fucking point of being dead, isn’t it? Bon appétit, motherfucker. I don’t care. At that point, you know, you can get the news from CNN. You don’t give a fuck anymore. Afraid of cannibals? Kidding me? Frightened of death a little bit. Stand to toy that notion. It worries me. You young people, you don’t even think about it. Fuck you man, with your great beard. “What is death? Is that like no wifi?” Yeah. It is. [audience laughing] [chuckles] You know, in about 50 years, they’re gonna have to start burying people with their phone like that in their hand. ‘Cause if it’s not on social media, it didn’t happen. “Here’s me decomposing. [chuckles] Hashtag: Mortality.” [audience laughing] I realize being angry at young people and their technology is a sign of aging. I’m sorry. I don’t mean it. It’s just that I’m kind of annoyed at smartphones. I– I understand that they are very useful. But they’re very addictive, and I have a bad history with addiction. And I… I don’t know if anyone has a good history with addiction. “Yeah, I was addicted to heroin. It was awesome.” Uh… But I have a history with it, and I think they’re addictive, but they’re so useful. I mean, I suppose heroin’s useful as well, sometimes when you’re, “I just can’t sleep.” “Try heroin.” [audience laughs] What it is, is like, they’re so– They’re so useful they’re really useful. Like, I used one recently. Got me out of a medical emergency, my cell phone. Well, it wasn’t a medical emergency, but it was a thing. I was on the road, I was touring, and I– I developed a lump in my ass. [audience laughs] Oh, yeah, thanks. That’s a big laugh. Thanks a fucking… “Oh, ha-ha! Oh, a lump in your ass!” [cackles] No, I got a lump in my ass. It was horrible. And you know when you’re young, you get a lump in your ass, “Lump in my ass! Ha-ha! Let’s go out!” But… You get older, you think, “Lump in my ass? Is this it? Is this how I’m gonna go? -[audience laughs] -Ass lump? Is this gonna be– this gonna be my TMZ thing? ‘Oh, the curse of late night. Another ass lump. A former late night ass lump death.'” I called up my doctor in Los Angeles, and I described the lump in my ass, and he’s like, “Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Do you have a smartphone?” I was like, “Yeah! Is that it? Is it radiation in my smartphone? Is it giving me ass cancer?” He was like, “No, you idiot. You have a smartphone?” I went, “Yeah.” He said, “All right. Take a photograph of the ass lump and email it to me.” I was like… “Doctor! [audience laughing] That usually has gotta be the third date.” But… he’s a doctor, so… I got around there, thanks the Kundalini Yoga, and I took a selfie. It’s very close up. It was very, you know, it was a very kind of– Right. You wouldn’t be able to tell. Like, you wouldn’t go, “My God! An ass lump!” It was an abstract looking thing. It looked like a tie dye T-shirt, or something like that. You know what I’m talking about. Yeah. Next time you see one, you’ll remember our special evening together. [audience laughs] So anyway, I sent him a picture of my ass lump. He’s like, “Oh yeah, what you got there, Craig, is a hemorrhoid.” I was like, “Oh! I’ve never had one of those.” He was like, “Well, congratulations. You had a good long run. Now you’re one of us.” I was like, “What I do about it?” He said, “Just put some cream on it.” I said, “No, not the hemorrhoid. The photograph. -What do I do with the photograph?” -[audience laughs] He’s like, “I don’t care.” And this is how you know I’m a small-minded, petty, vindictive man, ’cause I swear this is true. I went to the caller ID section of my smartphone, and it’s the photograph that comes up when my ex wife calls me. -[audience laughing] -I swear it’s true. Doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo, doodle-loo-doo doo– [screams] The pain in my ass. [audience laughs] [chuckles] But I’m addicted to my phone, and then you try put it down, you feel it– strange shit happens to you. I had a– I had a paranormal experience because of my smartphone. Let me explain. It’s a true story. After I, uh… after I finished the late night– I quit the job one day. If you’ve ever quit a job, it’s great the day you quit, and then the day after, you’re like, “Oh, fuck.” [audience laughs] So I was in day one of “Oh fuck,” and I thought, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” What I do when I can’t think of what I’m going to do is I go on a road trip, and my best friend in the world, my buddy John, lives in a town called Prescott, Arizona, which is about– Which is about a six hour drive from LA. That’s how you know John’s old. He’s quite an old fella. Because he lives in Prescott. Everybody in Prescott is old. I fucking love going to Prescott, ’cause people I don’t know in the street call me “kid.” Like, “Hey kid, what are you doing in Prescott?” I’m like, “Just delivering newspapers, Mr. Peterson!” [audience laughing] I wear a hat with a little propeller on it and shit. Anyway, so I thought, “I’ll drive out and see John out in Prescott, Arizona.” I drive out to Prescott, and just as I’m getting there, this giant fucking western storm opens up. These huge black clouds, and, ch-ch-ch, lightning. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Well, you’ve seen a storm. It was like that. It was a really big one. I was like, “Oh, fuck,” and I just drive into Prescott… I decide to go and stay in the hotel I saw driving into Prescott. I’m going to tell you the name of this hotel, ’cause you’re not going to believe the story I’m gonna tell you, and you’re gonna wanna google the name of the hotel. And this is true. The hotel is called the Hassayampa Inn. In Prescott, Arizona. Hassayampa. It’s an old Yavapai Indian word. “Hassayampa.” It means, “Follow the river as far as it goes.” Which, I don’t know why you need a word for that. [audience laughing] How often does that come up? [as Native American] “Where are you going?” “Hassayampa.” “Again?” “Shut up, Janice.” Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s called the Hassayampa Inn in Prescott, Arizona. It was a beautiful little Victorian Inn, but the rain was coming down, I was like, “Oh fuck,” so I run in, I go to the hotel, I get in there, and it’s kind of– there’s an old-timer behind the reception desk, looked like Wilford Brimley with a cat on top of his mustache. And he’s like… [grunts] And I was like, “Excuse me, sir, I haven’t booked a room. Is there any way I can stay here tonight?” And he was like, “Yeah. The place is empty. [audience laughing] You can have the bridal suite. Room 426.” I was like, “Great! I’ll take it.” I go into the bridal suite, I was like, “Wow this is beautiful.” It was a beautiful room, and like a suite, really. So I take out my smartphone to send home a picture of it, and my phone died. I’m like, “Oh, shit.” ‘Cause I left the charger in the car, and it is fucking poppin’ awful. Lightning and rain and stuff. So I call the front desk, I’m like, “Excuse me, my phone’s not working. Do you have a charger?” And the guy said, “There’s a phone in your room, sir. You’re calling me on it right now.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Yeah, all right. Never mind.” I left the charger in the car, and I thought, “I don’t want to go out to the car and get the charger. Look at the rain. You know what? I can deal without my cell phone for one night. Come on! I’m not addicted to my cell phone.” So I put my phone down, and I thought, “I have to pass the time. It’s late at night, I’m a man on my own in a hotel room. I’ll watch late night television.” I turned it on, I thought, “Nope, that’s not for me.” And then… I thought, “A man on my own… in a hotel room.” Check the sheets. They were nylon. [audience laughs] But even then I wasn’t tempted– Yeah, I’m 55. Can’t jerk off anymore. If you haven’t got someone to do it for you by now, leave it alone. [audience laughing] It’s a personal opinion. Anyway, I thought, “I can leave my smartphone alone. I’m not addicted.” And then I started to feel– Listen, you know what I’m talking about. I know withdrawal. I know what it feels like. And I was like “Wow, I fucking– This is not good.” I started to have palpitations, feel a bit panicky. I was like, “Fucking hell. This is bad. It’s about the phone?” And then I’m like… [pants] And then I started to feel real panic, like a panic attack. Like, ‘What the fuck?” I started to feel like I was seeing things out the corner of my eye, and I’m like… I was like, “Fuck this shit.” I run out into the car to get it, and the rain’s coming down, get the charger as it rains. You can see my nipples through my shirt and everything, I was like… I was gorgeous. I looked like Fabio in the front of a book. I was like, “Ah.” I got the charger, and I came back to the room, and I plugged in the phone and I waited, and the little half-eaten apple came up, I was like, “Oh, thank God…ah.” Then I was like, google something, “Reese Witherspoon’s six-foot-one. Fuckin’ A.” [audience laughs] Then I google, and you’re going to do this, I googled “The Hassayampa Inn, Prescott, Arizona,” and this is what I got. “The most haunted hotel in America.” I was like… [screams] Really! And then I read this thing, and it says, [deep voice] “Yes, the Hassayampa Inn– Very haunted. On no accounts stay in room 426, in the bridal suite. I was like… [screams] I was like, “What the fuck?” I run down to the front desk, the old-timer was there, and I said, “Has anyone ever complained about paranormal activity in room 426?” And he turned into a bat, and flew away! [audience laughs] All right, I made that bit up. I added that bit, but… apparently there’s a ghost in that room, and she doesn’t like men. If I single man is staying on his own, she’ll go into the bathroom and steal his toothbrush. I know. And I go into the bathroom, and my toothbrush had gone! Then I remembered I’m European, I didn’t have a toothbrush. But if I had… [audience laughing] It was scary is what I’m saying. Oh, shit. I never told you the joke. All right, here’s the joke. The oldest joke in the world. This is true. This is– [chuckles] Sure it’s true. Why the fuck not? You know… Everything’s true now. “Fake news!” “Fuck you it’s true.” All right… Everything’s fuckin’ true. But this is true. It is. What happened is my friend Cara, who is an Egyptologist, she calls me up from Egypt and says, “We found this joke.” I was like, “That’s great. Tell me the joke.” So she tells me the joke, but I don’t speak Ancient Egyptian. It was like, “Owl, owl, guy with a dog’s head.” And I’m like… It’s not that funny. [audience laughing] Wow, I had no idea so many Ancient Egyptians were here this evening. You guys are like, “Oh! [chuckles] Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha! Nice one! Ha-ha! Good! Finally, a joke for us. Two! Two jokes for us.” [chuckles] So she tells me the English translation of the joke, and I’m like, “That’s weird. I know that joke.” The joke was told to me by Drew Carey, one of my oldest friends. I’m like, “I thought Drew was from Cleveland.” [audience laughs] I’ve known him for 20 fucking years. He’s got a house there and everything. So I called up Drew, and I said, “Hey man, you know that– That joke you told me?” And I tell him the joke. I said, “That’s the oldest joke in the world.” And he turned into a bat flew away. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It’s getting more and more stupid, isn’t it? All right, no, this is true. What happened is, I called him up, I said, “You know that joke you told me?” And I tell him the joke. I said, “That’s the oldest joke in the world,” and he said, “That is weird.” And I said, “Yeah!” He said, “No, what’s weird about it is I didn’t tell you that joke.” I went, “What?” I said, “No, you told me that joke.” And I was like, “Shut up, Drew Carey!” And he was like, “You shut up, Craig Ferguson!” I was like, “No I won’t!” He was like, “No, I won’t!” Then we started to kind of tickle fight, then we were kissing. We were kissing. It was a really strange phone call. [audience laughs] All right. I got sidetracked. Here’s the joke. This is the joke. The way I heard the joke, it wasn’t– It wasn’t set in Ancient Egypt, but in every respect, it’s exactly the same joke. It’s about two hunters, but the way I heard about it, it was, you know, it was set in a gentleman’s club in Victorian times. It was very different to a gentlemen’s club now. You know, a gentleman’s club now is like, “Hey! Give me a dollar, I’ll give you chlamydia,” but back then… [audience laughing] Sorry, I was just doing my job. You pay extra for those seats. Um… So here’s the joke. Anyway, the joke is this: It’s two hunters: An old hunter and a young hunter, and they’re going through the trophy room of this club, you know, and the old hunter is showing off. He’s looking at the heads on the wall, and he said, “This here… This a lion that I shot in Africa. I used to be a dentist in the Midwest.” You remember that? Remember that? Do you remember that was the thing that everybody in the world was mad at? Simpler times, huh? “This a lion that I shot in Africa. It’s a very frightening story. I was just walking through the jungle, and the lion lept out at me. Came towards me, I was like, ‘Oh!’ And he’s coming towards me, Sharp-sharp claws, bitey-bitey mouth, scary eyes, I was like… [pants] and he comes very close, I take out my gun, shot him right between the eyes.” The young hunter says, “Good, sir. Good. Well done.” He was like, “Yes, yes. And this… This is a very similar story. This is a tiger. I was walking through the Jungle in India, this tiger jumped out at me, stripey face, scratchy claws, bitey mouth. Coming towards me, he’s gonna bite me! I take out my gun, and I shot him right between the eyes.” The young hunter says, “Very good, sir.” He goes, “Yeah, and here, the scariest story of all: The rhinoceros. I was walking across the Serengeti, and I heard, ‘Thumpity-thump thump. Thump, thump, thump. Thump thump thump,’ coming towards me, I turn around, it’s the rhinoceros! He’s coming towards me, big stompy feet and a big spiky. He’s coming towards me, stompy, spiky, he’s gonna kill me! I take out my gun, and I’m like, ‘Oh!’ I drop my gun, and… [screams] …and I shit myself.” [audience laughs] The young hunter says, “I would have too. That sounds terrifying.” He went, “No, not then! Right now, when I said, ‘Ah!'” To be fair, I did not say it was the best joke in the world. Jokes have improved immensely since then. But it is, in fact, the oldest joke in the world, and so, with that… we are done. [audience groans] That sounded a little bit like relief. [audience laughing] You got your one joke… and that’s all you’re going to get. Unless you get the special Netflix subscription, which gives you an extra joke. [audience laughing] Look out for that on the website. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much. I’ll see you next time. -Good night, good night, good night. -[applause] ♪ Here kitty, kitty ♪ ♪ You better move along… ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Cuz the big cats walk ♪ ♪ At the break of dawn ♪ ♪ Now doggone it, baby♪ ♪ Ooh, I said doggone ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the hound dog, baby? ♪ ♪ Can your pussy do the dog? ♪ ♪ Well this whole mess useless now as a whistle on a plow ♪ ♪ If your pussy can’t do the dog ♪ ♪ I’m the king of the jungle ♪ ♪ They call me tiger man ♪ ♪ I’m gonna do the bird ♪ ♪ If I can, if I can ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Craig Ferguson: Does This Need To Be Said? (2011) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-does-this-need-to-be-said-transcript/

It’s a great day for America, everybody! I’m always delighted to be in Nashville. I’m always happy to be in the south. I feel this great affinity with people in the south, because I share your pain. I know what it’s like to have everyone in the world think they can do your accent better than you can do. Right? And then they want to do your accent to you to help you! “You from the south? Hickity dickity dickity.” Listen, I’m gonna try something tonight. Because we’re doing the special and the cameras are here, and because I’m in the south and I feel a little more comfortable here, I wanna try something I don’t normally do. Um, I’m gonna try and tell you a joke. I know what you’re thinkin’. “Oh, Craig, come on. “Not a joke! “Not from you, Craig! “There’s professional comedians for that kind of thing. “Not a joke from you, Craig. “From you, we want tales of the old country, Craig. “Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with Shrek. Tell us about that! What was that like, Craig?” Oh, we found a blue-Haired donkey, all right! That’s right! No, I wanna tell you this joke. It’s important for me, Because it’s a dirty joke. Steady. No, it’s a dirty joke, And I can’t tell it on my tv show, ‘Cause it’s such a dirty joke. And there’s cuss words in it too. Oh, yeah. I…listen, I will be cussing tonight. And just so’s you know… no, I will. I will. Don’t f*ckin’ “ohh” me.” I’ll be cussin’. Now, don’t wave your finger at me. You knew when you got here there’d be cussin’. If you thought you were comin’ here tonight, and every time I cussed, a little flag was goin’ up here, And someone’s going, “tootsy fruitsy,” or somethin’. “Ooh la la.” I swear it’s gonna be a long f*ckin’ night for you if you thought I was gonna do that. I can’t cuss on tv, and it bothers me. No, it does. I…yeah! It does. It does bother me. ‘Cause when I was a young man, I was in punk rock groups and everything. And I was like, “f*ck you, man! “F*ck you! You’ll never get me wearing a suit and sittin’ behind a desk!” And now, every night… Wearin’ a suit, sittin’ behind a desk. Can’t even say “f*ck.” “Ah, your movie sounds great, ya f*ckin’ asshole.” No, I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression, all right? I wasn’t just in punk rock bands, by the way. I was also in a heavy metal band once. One…one heavy metal band. Whoo! Oh, yeah. Ah, you know, if you’d have heard us, You wouldn’t be making that noise. You’d be like, “aah!” And running out. We were ter…we were the worst heavy meal band. We were terrible. I was 15 years old when I was in this band. We were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear. Yeah, we looked like marble smugglers. Yeah! We were terrible! 15-year-old heavy metal band. And you know your heavy metal band’s gonna suck when you’ve got a clarinet player. * get your motor runnin’ * But we had to have the clarinet player, ’cause his dad had a car, and he was willing to drive us around, So we had to have the f*ckin’ clarinet player. But the clarinet player was an artist, and he said, “I’ll do the bass drum skin. It’ll be f*ckin’ awesome.” We were like, “really?” He went, “yeah. “It’ll be a picture of a stag. “But get this, a stag with its antlers on fire.” We were like, “F*ck, yeah!” Yeah! Yeah! But no, see, It didn’t work out like that, ‘Cause he wasn’t that talented, this kid. So it didn’t look like a stag with his antlers on fire. It looked a badger with red hair. I was the clarinet player. Yeah, that’s right. But no more! Now I sit on tv and I can’t say “f*ck.” It bothers me, you know? It bothers me that I can’t cuss on tv. ‘Cause I’m a very cussy man. I am a very cussy man. Not an angry cusser. I’m not one of them “f*ck you” cussers, like that. Like a, “f*ck you! F*ck! F*ck!” Like that. Like, “f*ck!” I don’t have to do that. I just like doing that. But I’m not one of them, “f*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!” Guys, Like that, like a dog. That’s what dogs are saying, “f*ck.” They are saying it. Not in, uh, adorable dog language. They’re saying it in English. “F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck!” F*ck. F*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Dogs are saying “f*ck.” Cats don’t say “f*ck,” but they’re thinking it. They’re thinkin’, “f*ck you.” No, I like to cuss. I’m not an angry cusser. I’m not a “f*ck you” guy. I’m not…I’m more kind of like, “Shut the f*ck up.” Like that. Like friendly cussin’, like, “No f*ckin’ way!” Shit, f*ck, no!” Like, that helps me be more adorable to people. I know, I’ve heard all the arguments against cussing. You know, “oh, Craig, come on, cussing just shows a lack of vocabulary.” And I think, “oh, shut the f*ck up!” No, it does not. Some of the greatest minds in history love to cuss. Shakespeare cussed all the time. But he did it in that fancy ren fair language, So nobody knew he was cussing. And like, “to be or not to be? F*ck if I know.” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he meant. Uh… What I’m saying is, I like to cuss. It helps me be friendly to people. It emphasizes my friendliness. Like if you see…if you see a friend of yours, right, and they’ve got new pants on, and you go, “Oh, those are nice, new pants.” They’ll go, “oh, thanks very much.” But if you go, “whoa! Great f*cking pants!” They’re like, “I know! Aren’t they? “Man! I saw them in the store! I was just like, ‘f*ck’!” I understand you gotta be appropriate. You can’t walk up to the Pope and say, “Great f*ckin’ pants, your holiness.” You couldn’t do that. Well, that doesn’t work anyway, ’cause, well, the Pope doesn’t wear pants. He wears that big dress. He wears these… he’s got a big ol’ dress. And the…and the hat. Actually, two hats. He’s got the big hat and then the little hat for windy days. “Hey, what’s the weather like today?” “It’s a little bit windy, Pope.” “Okay, I’ll wear the little hat.” I’ll get to this joke in a minute, but you see, the… Do you know the Pope… this is true. I will get to the joke. But you know the Pope actually has special slippers designed for him by the Italian fashion designer Prada. This is true…they make ’em just for the Pope. It’s not like you can go and buy a line of them. You can’t go to the gap and go, “Give me some Pope slippers.” It’s just for the Pope. And they’ve got, you know, special designs and a little crest and writing on them and stuff that says P.O. on one and P.E. on the other. “Ah, read-A my slippers here. I’m-A the Pope.” “And-A my name is-A Pepo.” * I’m-A Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * * I’m Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * All right, you’re right, you’re right. You’re right. That’s too much. Lay off. You can go too far, Craig. You’re right. Anyway the Pope…the Pope doesn’t talk like that. He’s not even Italian anymore, the Pope. He’s German. Yeah! So he doesn’t… he wouldn’t talk like that. He would…he would be more kind of, “As you are no doubt aware, I am the Pope.” “Observe my slippers.” “My name is Pepo.” “I realize this is an unusual name for a German, “But… “My family was in the circus. So shut up, all right?” All right. You’re right. I won’t do the Pope. That’s ridiculous. What I’m saying is, I’m not allowed to cuss. I can’t cuss, you know, on tv, and I’m not allowed to cuss at home, either. I can’t cuss at home. ‘Cause I’ve got a 9½-year-old son. And for some reason not connected to his DNA, he seems to be an attack dog for the f*ckin’ fcc! He does! He follows me around with that little jar of his. “You said the f-word, daddy. Nickel in the jar.” I’m like, “f*ck you!” He’s like, “nickel in the jar.” “F*ck you!” “Nickel in the jar.” Like, “who in the f*ck are you?” “Nickel in the jar, daddy!” I just pay him in advance now. I’m like, “son, there’s 20 bucks. I gotta call your mother.” Do you know what my son said to me? He said, you know, he asked me what the f-word means. I said, “it’s a naughty word, son.” He’s like, “no shit, dad, I’m gettin’ rich.” There’s a nickel. I can afford it. No, he said to me, “what does the f-word mean?” I said, “it’s a very naughty word, son. “It’s very, very naughty. It’s a…it’s a naughty word for sex.” He’s like, “you know about sex, dad?” I was like, “yeah, I remember it vaguely. Why do you ask?” I said, “do you know about sex?” He said, “yeah.” I said, “ooh, wait there. “This will be adorable. I’ll get the video camera. I’ll ask him about sex. This’ll be great.” ‘Cause he’s 9½. What’s he gonna say about sex? “Santa, angels, moonbeams.” It’ll be adorable. He’ll be like that Bill Cosby, kids are funny little motherf*ckers. That thing. They… I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he means. Anyway, so, you know, I thought, “I’ll film him, you know. “He’ll tell me about sex. “Then I’ll wait till he’s about 14, “And then I’ll say, ‘hey, remember that money “‘In the swear jar? “‘I’ll take it back now, or this shit goes on YouTube, you little bastard.'” You’re welcome, parents. So I set him up, and I said, “do you know about sex, son?” He said, “I know all about sex, dad.” I went, “all right, what do you know about sex?” He said, “I know all about sex. “Penis, vagina, glory hole, Dirty Sanchez, Rusty trombone, Cleveland steamer.” I’m like, “what the f*ck? What the f*ck? What the f*ck?” “What the f*ck? “Cleveland steamer. What is that? Well, never mind! Never mind!” I never taught my son about sex. I never, I didn’t! I will never teach my son about sex! Just like my father never taught me! And his father never taught him, and… Actually, it’s a f*ckin’ miracle Scottish people didn’t die out in the middle ages. Scottish people don’t talk about sex! We can’t; it’s too embarrassing for us. We can’t talk about it. If a… If a Scottish person wants to talk about sex, we just kind of giggle and walk backwards and point at our genitals. It’s true. If you go to Scotland and you see someone that looks like they might be special and they have to go to the bathroom, they don’t… they just find you attractive. Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don’t even talk about sex. It’s just like, “Uh, get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson, lift up your skirt.” “We’ll take a look at your magic baby door.” Ah, nobody talks… so I said to my son, I said, “who… who taught you about sex, son? “This is awful. W-Was it the creepy guy in the school parking lot?” I said…’cause my son goes to the same school as Charlie Sheen‘s kids. So I thought it might be that, you know. Whoa! Hey, whoa! Whoa! Hey, what… you “ooh” me for Charlie Sheen, and you’re okay with the Pope thing? What the hell happened to you? “Aw, Craig, come on. “Charlie Sheen! “What did he ever do, “apart from hold a knife to his wife’s throat on Christmas eve?” “Put the hooker in the closet!” Aw, poor Charlie. You’re right. I shouldn’t go after Charlie. He had to go to jail on Christmas eve. Yeah, in f*ckin’ Aspen! The jail in Aspen has been on the cover of architectural digest! So I said to my son, “who taught you about sex, son?” He said, “the teachers.” I said, “the teachers at school?” He went, “yeah.” I went, “fourth grade?” He’s like, “yeah.” I’m like, “what the f*ck?” “See, that’s a nickel.” I went, “f*ck you!” But I…I don’t… there was no se… I never got taught about sex when I was in the fourth grade. I never actually had the fourth grade. I was in Scotland. I was working up a chimney. Because there was no sex education in Scotland. And…well, that’s not true, actually. When I was about 15 years old, in science class one day, I remember the… I was sitting around with the rest of the guys in stag… Um… And we were waiting for the science teacher to come in one morning. His name was Mr. Weir. Nasty, bitter old vicious alcoholic. Don’t know what the f*ck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970s. It was like, “do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job’s yours.” Anyway, we… We were sitting in science class, and we were waiting for Mr. Weir to come in, and, you know, and then he came in, and we knew there was something wrong when he came in, ’cause he was like… And he was… this is true. He was carrying a little aquarium with him. A little fish tank. But there were no fish in it. It was just…no water. It was just a rock with two toads on it. And he said, “Pay attention, everyone.” “This is Mr. And Mrs. Toad. “They’re married. “They were married in a church. “By a protestant minister. “And now, they… eeh eeh. “Now they want to have a baby. See how Mr. Toad is pushing his shame branch…” “See how he’s pushing his shame branch “against Mrs. Toad’s magic baby door? Do you see that?” That was my sex education in school, and that was it. Watchin’ two toads f*ckin’ in a fish tank! That’s it! The miracle of new life. “Ehh.” That was all I ever knew! For years, I thought the only way to get a girl to go out with you was run up behind her, grab her hair, spit in it, and shout, “ribbit!” It’s stran– if I saw a woman I was attracted to across a crowded room, I’d be like… Pff! You know the weirdest thing, it f*ckin’ works! It does! You gotta go, pff! They’re like, “get lost, you freak.” “Pff! Pff!” “I like him.” That was it; that was my sex education, the two toads. So consequently, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m not like the youngsters today with their new ideas about sex. You know, photographing your genitals And texting them to each other and all that shit. What the hell is wrong with you people? “Ah, this’ll be sexy. Ca-Ching!” No, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m a romantic…I don’t need all that emailing and phones and cameras and shit. I’m a romantic. I’m an old-fashioned about sex. I couple of hookers, some blow, a midget. I’m good, I don’t… That’s how we used to do it! That’s how we used to do it. That’s the old-fashioned way. When things were simpler. I don’t…I would never send any of them sexy emails. That’s how you get caught. I’ve never sent one. I don’t mind getting them at craig@theinternet/google.Com. But I… Seriously. I’d never send a sexy email. That’s how Tiger Woods got caught. He was sending all them sexy emails from his phone, and then his wife was in the kitchen one day, and she’s like, “oh, I can’t find the kitchen phone. “I’ll just use Tiger’s phone. Might as well… ” Aaah! “Tiger! I’m gonna need the nine-iron for this. Come here, you bastard!” See, even Tiger Woods got caught in that big sex scandal. I was like you ladies. I was outraged. Outraged. It’s kind of good if you’re a guy, though. ‘Cause it just makes you look great. “Ah, I’m sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, honey. “I was too busy not having sex “with 14 mistresses. Uh…sorry.” See, when Tiger Woods got caught in the sex scandal, and everybody said, “oh, Tiger Woods. “His career is ruined. “He’s ruined! He’ll never play golf again! “He will never play golf again! He’ll be hopeless now.” And I’m thinking, “are you sure? Are you sure? Are you thinking this through?” I think, once this blows over a bit, he’s gonna be better at golf. Better! Because, clearly, he never practiced before. He wasn’t practicin’! He’s just f*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! “Hey, Tiger, Tiger. You want to go to the driving range?” “Sorry, no time. Just f*cking and winning!” And then when he did come back to golf, And everybody’s…like, The whole country watched his return to golf. Tiger’s return after the scandal. Everybody’s watching. And I’m thinking, “what the hell do you expect to see here?” It’s professional golf. He’s just gonna golf. What do you think? He’s gonna go nuts and f*ck the hole or something? Like, “I’ve got to make this putt. I’ve got to get back in the… ah, f*ck it. Aah!” The whole country. We’re all watching it. Everyone watching his pants as he walked up the fairway. It moved. It moved. Did you see it? It moved. Seeing a big celebrity gets caught in a sex scandal like that though, and I hear about it in the morning, I’m like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Easy day at work.” It’s awesome. Oh, yes. It was, like, the best one ever was when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. I was like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Oh, fantastic. He shot his lawyer in the face?” “Yeah.” “Oh, beautiful.” “Did the lawyer die?” “No, the lawyer lived!” ‘Cause if the lawyer dies, you have to wait a day. Hey, hey, for a human, it’s three days. Wait, wait. Wait. Let’s just stop for a second and discuss what kind of f*ckin’ reaction that was there. “Oh, Craig, that’s a terrible thing. “Actually, now that we think about it, Now we agree with you. Yeah.” Even lawyers are like, “he’s right. We’re assholes.” I met Dick Cheney when I was at the White House. I was speaking at the white house correspondence dinner, And I met Dick Cheney there. I was terrified. He’s like a f*ckin’ Bond villain. He is! He’s like… He does this with his hand. There’s nothing there. He just does it. He’s stroking an imaginary pussy. If that’s a crime, lock me up. But… I was actually terrified when I met him, ‘Cause I said some mean things about him in the speech, And then after I was like, “oh, is that okay?” He went, “oh, no, I loved it. “I can take it. I enjoyed myself. “I…I enjoyed it very much. Now you, you enjoy your audit.” And you know what? I got f*ckin’ audited. I know. Yeah, anyway, that’s my job now, apparently, pick on celebrities that get caught with their pants down. I never used to give a shit about it, but now I have to pay attention to it, apparently. The first time it happened… When I got the Late Night Show, the first one I ever had to deal with was the Kevin Costner sex scandal. Remember that? Yeah, nobody f*ckin’ remembers that. Which tells me two things… One, Kevin Costner has a great publicist, and two, none of you f*ckers was watching my show in the first year. It’s all right. “That’s right. I don’t even f*ckin’ watch it now.” Well, very briefly, the first…the Kevin Costner sex scandal, actually, it was golf related, again. He was in Scotland, of all places. Kevin Costner went to Scotland to play golf at St. Andrews, the royal and ancient home of golf. And apparently, after his golf game, or allegedly, for legal reasons, he was getting a massage, and he asked the masseuse for a happy ending. What we would now call an Al Gore. All right, all right. Okay. Anyway, by the way, when he did this, you know, uh, he wasn’t just on any vacation in Scotland. He was on his honeymoon. Oh, mm, yes. Feel a little more comfortable judging him now, don’t you? “Oh, thanks, Craig, yes. Now we can enjoy it just a little more.” No, apparently… I don’t know if it’s true, but apparently that’s what he did. He asked the masseuse for a happy ending. And I’m thinking, “Kevin, who the hell goes to the royal and ancient home of golf and thinks, ‘I wonder if I can get my three wood-polished while I’m here’?” And I’m thinking the masseuse is Scottish. Are you out of your mind? If I could get a Scottish woman to give me a hand job, I would never have f*ckin’ emigrated. What the hell? You’re a bad girl, aren’t ya? Anyway, so apparently he did this. I don’t know if he did it or not. But I heard about it, and, you know, I thought, “Well, it’s my job now to make fun of this. This is my job, I guess.” And so that night I talked about it on the show. I, uh, I didn’t do much. I punned on his movie titles a little bit. I think I said Lap dances with wolves, And… Field of creams, I think I did. People will come, Ray. No, I… I didn’t do that. I didn’t do that! I didn’t. I didn’t. I f*ckin’ should have done that, But I didn’t do that. Anyway, that’s what I did that night on the show. And then the next night you move on to the next thing. I’d forgotten all about it. You move on. You get the robot or the puppets, or whatever the hell you’re doing, and… Before…you know, a couple of weeks after that, I get invited to a big Hollywood party. Now, I don’t normally go to big Hollywood parties, ’cause I’m not normally invited to big Hollywood parties, but I got invited, so I went. And I got introduced to Kevin Costner. And I’d forgotten all about this thing, But he had f*ckin’ not. I don’t know if you know this, but Kevin Costner has a tv. And occasionally he can’t sleep. Oh, f*ck, it was awful. He got right in my face about it. He was like… And I was like… And he was like… And I was like… And he was like… Anyway, I talked to him for a while, and he’s not a bad guy, Kevin Costner, as it turned out. I felt terrible. I just felt awful. I thought, “oh, I’m a dick. “I’m a f*ckin’ dick. And now Kevin Costner hates me. Bah.” So, no, I…I…really, I felt awful about it, and I thought, you know, from now on, I’m gonna try and not offend celebrities if I can avoid it, but you can’t f*ckin’ avoid it. You can’t. I mean, you can upset them… Some of them have very fragile egos. I know. It was news to me. In fact, that’s the noise I made. No, you can upset people without even knowing you’re doing it. I got into terrible trouble with the actress Kate Winslet, and I didn’t even know until we tried to book her on the show. And the bookers called up her agent, And her agent said, “Kate will never be on that show. Not after what Craig said about her.” I was like, “I never said anything about her. I never said a… oh, yeah, I did, yeah…” Well, I wasn’t really talking about her. I was talking about the movie Titanic, which she was in. And I love that movie. I love the movie Titanic. It’s a great movie. I particularly enjoy the work of Leonardo DiCaprio. I think he’s a great actor. Fat, thin, beard, no beard, happy, sad. He can do f*ckin’ everything. And… I have only one problem. At the end of that movie when they’re, you know… They’re in the water, the ship sunk, and she’s on the door and he’s in the water, And he’s like, “I’m dying.” He’s really good, isn’t he? I mean, that’s how good he is. He’s like, “I’m…I’m dying. It’s so…so cold. I’m dying.” And she’s like, “yes, you are dying. It’s terribly sad. Bye.” I’m thinking, you know what? There’s room on that door for two people, right there. I mean, this isn’t some hardwood piece of shit we’re talking about. This is a giant door built in the shipyards of Belfast by union members. This is a big…this has been curled and worked at. There’s brass fittings on… This motherf*cker is mahogany. This is a big, big door. Cuban families come to America on doors like this. By the way, a word of advice, never say that in Miami. Anyway, I had a problem with the logic at the end, ‘Cause I thought the two of them would get on the door, So I…you know, I was talking about it, And I’m a passionate person. I was getting involved and talking about it, and in the heat of the moment I said, “Oh, come on, Kate. Move over, you fat b!tch.” Now I don’t mean… Hey, let me finish. Let me finish. I don’t mean she’s fat. She’s not fat. She’s not fat. And even if she was fat, I wouldn’t comment on a woman’s weight. What am I? I’m f*ckin’ suicidal? I’m not an idiot. I don’t comment on a woman’s weight. I’m post feminism. I understand. I’m a reconstructed man. I’m like, “keep your f*ckin’ mouth shut.” I understand it. I would never comment on a woman’s weight. I don’t do it. I don’t think it’s right to do it. And I felt ter– and I struggle with it too. I…I feel your pain, sisters. So I– honestly, I felt terrible, So I called up the agent myself. I went, “you know what? God, I feel awful about this. “This is a terrible thing. “Look, let’s get Kate on the show, “And we’ll do a show about this, “‘Cause this is bullshit. “I don’t want to be that guy. “I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not that guy. “We’ll get her on the show, we’ll talk about it. “I’ll say I’m a sorry. I’m a dick. I’m a douchebag. She’s gorgeous. We’ll do all that.” And the agent said, “I’ll just have to call someone, and I’ll call you back.” And I went, “oh, right.” And she called me back five minutes later And said, “Kate will never be on your show.” And I said, “fine. Tell her she’s a fat b!tch.” But… But she’s not. She’s not a fat b!tch. I… I don’t know the woman at all. I never met her in my life. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman in every way. Well, not every way. She’s an actress. She’s probably a f*ckin’ sociopath. But… But she’s not a fat sociopath. And you know what? Even if she was fat, even if she was, I wouldn’t care, ’cause I like that. Huh. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I like it. I like a woman with a bit of unh! I do. I like a bit of “ooh, yeah.” I like a bit of “let’s get you up the stairs.” I like all of that. I do. I like… I like to slap and then watch the wave. I like all of that. There’s a name for men like me that like women like that. We’re called heterosexuals. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, if your man likes you to be too skinny, very, very skinny, he’s not your husband. He’s your gay friend. “Someone’s looking a little bit fat.” “Really? Someone’s looking a little bit gay.” You’re welcome, girls. Use it anytime. Anytime you like. For free and for fun. My gift to you. Anytime you like. Use it. Enjoy your fries. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I have to deal with the celebrities and then f*ckin’ teach them a lesson when they get into trouble. And my heart’s not in it. The worst one was when I had to do The David Letterman sex scandal. I was like, “oh, f*ck. Really? Thanks.” ‘Cause I don’t know if you know. David Letterman is my boss, right? Now this is my boss, and he’s caught in a sex scandal. Now the job is, you know, make fun of the people who are caught in the sex scandal, but in this case, it’s my boss. Now I have to do the job, but I’d quite like to keep the f*ckin’ job. It’s like trying to do a Rubik’s cube in a burning building. I was like… Shit. Shit. Shit. Actually, when I first heard about Dave’s sex scandal, I shat my pants. It was awful, because… What, you can’t say “shat your pants” in Nashville? All right. I soiled my britches when I heard about it. What I mean is, I got afraid, Because I was walking around the house in the morning, And the tv was on, and I wasn’t paying attention. I was just doing my thing, getting ready and stuff. And the tv news was on, and I heard the anchorman say, “CBS late night host caught in sex scandal.” I was like, “Fabio, you b!tch!” And then I was like, “oh…” What can I tell you? I like big women. Do you remember? I’m gonna get to this joke. Do you remember when… Do you remember when Fabio got hit in the face by a goose? Remember that? Fabio did… They were opening a new amusement park somewhere. I think it was in Florida or the Midwest. Busch Gardens, it was called. I’d go. That’s a great name, actually, Busch Gardens. Busch Gardens? You had me at “busch.” But they… But they were opening up this new amusement park. This is a true story. And they said, “we need to get a celebrity,” you know, for this new amusement park. Someone that’s gonna bring in the kids. They’re like, “oh, Fabio.” And they go with Fabio. And it was the first ride of the roller coaster, and Fabio was gonna be, you know, the first guy to ride the roller coaster at Busch Gardens. But they have the… they had this thing. Fabio was in the front car, and it started up. And it was kinda going… going up the thing, the hill, for the first time, and Fabio was sitting there, and his shirt was open and his hair’s all blowing. He’s like, “aah…” It wasn’t even windy. He can just do that. He was like, “aah…” And just as it got to the top, just the… A goose is flying by. And the goose went, “f*cking hell, is that Fabio? What the…aah!” And as the goose is dying, It’s thinking, “what are the f*cking odds of this? Death by Fabio?” But they had to do an emergency stop of the roller coaster, and they brought it around quick, and Fabio was all f*cked up. He was all… oh, it was terrible. No, you shouldn’t laugh. It was awful. He was all mad. He was angry. There was feathers and beak marks. Little webbed footprints and stuff. And he was all… “aah.” He looked like he’d been eating a live chicken or something. He’s like… And he…but he was okay. But a couple of days later… this is true. He tried to start a kind of we are the world thing for people that had been hit in the face by geese while riding on roller coasters. That’s true! * we were hit by geese * it really hurt * the little beak went in my cheek * * and now I’m f*cked… But, actually, it didn’t work out, because, you know, they looked it up, And they’re like, “actually, in the history of the human race and roller coasters, this has never f*ckin’ happened before.” The odds are astronomical! This could never happen, but it did. And you know what? See, when something that unlikely happens, something that weirdly out of the ordinary, that, to me, proves the existence of god. Proves it. You know god exists and god has a sense of humor. ‘Cause god’s watching Fabio, and he’s like, “Is that Fabio?” “How does he do that thing with the shirt and the hair? It’s not even windy over here.” “Hey, come here and look at this. “Come here, come here. “Just come here. It’s…it’ll be fun. Come here.” “Yeah, I’m gonna. I’m gonna. “Yes, I am. Boom. Yeah!” How do you feel now, atheists? Think about that when you’re driving home in your Prius, you f*ckin’ hippie. That’s right. I said it. I said it. Get an engine, you communist. I don’t like you, and I don’t like your f*ckin’ little car. I don’t like them Priuses. They’re too quiet. I feel like I’m gonna wake up one night and there’ll be one at the end of my bed. “I recycle.” “Do you?” That’s how I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I now no longer have a struggle with faith. I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I will prove to you right now tonight the existence of god using my unlikeliness theory. Right? Here it is, the unlikeliness theory. I will prove to you now the existence of god. Siegfried and Roy. Bear with me. For this we have to go back in time. We’re going back in time to Vienna, Austria. It’s 1974. There’s a little fog in the street. Just that little fog, like a Smashing Pumpkins video. A young man is walking the streets. He is forlorn and dejected. His name is Siegfried. “I am forlorn and dejected. “I am doomed to a life of loneliness, “For no one will ever share my interests. My only two interests are lion taming and c0ck.” “Who in all of Austria Would also be interested in lion taming and c0ck?” “Hi, Siegfried. I’m Roy. I’m also interested in lion taming and c0ck.” Two gay Austrian lion tamers? What are the f*ckin’ odds of that? What are the odds of that? “I also like white tigers.” “I love white tigers!” How do you feel now, atheists? Let me ask you a question, atheists, when you’re driving home in them little Priuses. Who do you call on when the brakes fail in that little shit box? “Oh, no. Help me, spontaneous chemical reaction.” What am I talking about? Oh, yeah, Dave sex scandal. The Dave sex scandal was terrible, terrible for me. The only thing that I was grateful for, there was no sex tape. ‘Cause, you know, I love Dave, but I don’t want to see that. Actually, I don’t watch the sex tapes. I try not to watch the celebrity sex videotapes, ’cause a lot of these people are gonna be on the show, and I don’t want that in my head when I meet someone for the first time. Like, “oh, yeah, I remember his c0ck from the internet. How you doing?” That’s why Tommy Lee has never been on the show, ’cause I’ve seen that one. Actually, before I saw that video, I didn’t know Tommy Lee was Scottish. And the other one that I wish I’d seen but I never saw were the Carrie Prejean sex tapes. Do you remember Carrie Prejean? She was a miss California beauty queen. No, you don’t, but thanks. Uh… “I haven’t made a noise for a while. Aah!” Carrie Prejean was a miss California beauty queen who became miss USA, and she got into terrible trouble, because during the question-and-answer part of the beauty pageant, you know, when they grill the girls to find out if they’re smart enough to be beauty queens, They… If you don’t get this right, you’re ugly. And by the way, beauty is decided by Donald Trump? That’s like a midget deciding who’s the tallest. What the f*ck? Did you “ooh” me for Donald Trump? F*cking seriously? Anyway, Carrie Prejean was this… She got into terrible trouble, ’cause during the question-and-answer thing, It came out that she was against gay marriage. So all the people that are for gay marriage were like, “what?” And all the people that were against gay marriage were like, “hooray!” But then her time in the media was f*cked up, because sex tapes came out where, apparently, she had been sending sex tapes to her boyfriend on her phone… Just of her, just her on her own, no one else in the tape, which I think is a level of confidence I could only aspire to. That’s amazing. “I’m making a sex tape.” “Really? Who’s in it?” “Just me.” “Who else do you need?” Actually, when a woman does that, that’s…that’s actually awesome. Now, women…that’d be great. A man should never do that, though. Never send…no woman wants to see that on her phone. That would be bad. Ugh. Here’s me thinking about you, honey. Whaa-Ha! Can’t wait to see you tonight. A woman would get that on her phone… she’d be like, “aah! Ah, take out my eyes! I can never use them again!” She got into terrible trouble, this Carrie Prejean woman, and she had to go on Larry King to defend herself. By the way, I love Larry King. I do. I really love Larry King, and I hate that he’s retiring and being replaced by some British f*ck. We don’t need foreigners on American television. What the f*ck is going on? That’s right! She had to go– I do. I love Larry King. I do. Larry King is…like, that’s the way you should grow old, Like Larry King. Larry King typifies, for me, the spirit of the punk-rock movement. Absolutely, ’cause he’s like… you know, like you young people, you’re like, “I don’t give a f*ck what you think, man.” You give a f*ck. You comb your hair. You wear deodorant. Larry doesn’t f*cking give a shit about any of that. Larry doesn’t give a f*ck what you think. It’s true. I’ve been on his show. Larry will look you directly in the eyes, fart really loudly, and not break eye contact. It’s like… What’s wrong? Don’t you like brisket? I f*cking love Larry King…I love him. That’s the way I want to grow old, like Larry King, not giving a f*ck. That’s how you get old. Like, see, when I was a young comedian in the comedy clubs… I was, like, 23, 24… I was like, “all the older comedians are hacks, man. They’re all assholes. They’re all f*cking hacks.” But now, you see, I’m 48, And I hear the young comedians talking, And I’m like, “shut the f*ck up, you douche.” And stop touching your groin when you’re telling jokes. It doesn’t make you edgy. It just looks dirty. They’re like, “hi, everybody. I’m edgy. Whoa, oh, oh.” “Here’s a new style of comedy… me touching my c0ck.” I don’t have to keep doing this. I just like doing this. “Hey, everybody. I’m edgy. I’m edgy. Mm-Hmm. “Have you ever noticed how some things are like other things?” Now, I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married three times. I’ve been through rehab. My balls touch my ankles when I stand up, but, no… I never noticed how some things are like other things. Shut up! It’s true. My balls are leaving me… Slowly. Sometimes I feel I’m being followed by twin hamsters. Are they still there? I’m getting away, though. Anyway…oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you this joke. So here’s the joke. It’s an old joke, which means I stole it. I didn’t really steal it, but if you do what I do for a living and go on the internet accidentally and google yourself accidentally… F*ck you. People will say that you steal things all the time. I noticed that. This is not kidding, right? I googled myself. I don’t do it anymore. I googled myself by accident. I came into the room, and I tripped and fell and typed my name in google on the computer. Like, oh! I googled…and somebody said in this chat room on the internet… I’m not kidding. This is true. Somebody said… Said, “that Craig Ferguson, yeah, he stole the whole Scottish thing from Mike Myers.” Now, listen, I know Mike Myers. I like him. He’s a very nice man, but he’s Canadian. And in this same chat room… I’m not kidding. In the same chat room, somebody else…this is true. Somebody said, “no, no, he didn’t steal his act from Mike Myers. He stole his act from Ellen Degeneres.” Now, listen, I know and like Ellen Degeneres. She’s a very nice woman, but come on! I’m not butch enough to do Ellen material. I do kind of look like an old lesbian, don’t I? I kind of do. I’ve noticed it. I know. I know. It’s all right. We can just… you know, we can talk about it. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, I’m like, “F*ck, K.D. Lang.” There’s this idea that people are meaner than they used to be. Because of the internet, you know, people are meaner. They’re not meaner. People are not meaner than they used to be. People have always been assholes, except you guys. But they… But they are, and people are not meaner. What happens is the technology is just faster. It’s just faster. What happens is, you have this crazy idea, and there’s a crazy, angry thought, and you’re like, “I’ve got a crazy, angry thought.” Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom! And it’s out. And you don’t have time. You don’t have time to slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is, “does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” Three f*cking marriages it took me to learn that. Three. It’s like…it’s the technology. It’s too fast. Like, in the old days… In the middle ages, if you had a crazy thought, You were like, “I got to write this down. “I’m so angry. I’m so crazy. I’m gonna write this down. “Well, I better learn to read and write, “Because it’s the middle ages, and only monks and priests can read and write.” Right, well, okay, a couple of years of that… “I’m still angry. I’m gonna write this down. “I’m gonna need…oh, f*ck it. I’m gonna need parchment. “All right, parchment and weave the parchment. “Weave the parchment. Right, got some parchment. Oh, f*ck, a pen. Give me a chicken.” “Right, chicken. Oh, f*ck, ink. “Crush the berries. Crush the berries. “Right, parchment, berries, pen…let’s go. “Right, capital letter to start off… “Big medieval capital letter with things going around it, “Little trees and squirrelly bits. “God’s hand coming down… a little castle, a tree, “A brook, a dwarf, all kind of things, “Little tigers and designs. You know what? I’m just gonna let it go.” Three weeks for the letter “f,” 30 seconds for “uck it.” Also, of course, with the internet, you’ve got that kind of hidden feeling. You’re kind of protected. You’re kind of… You know, you’re kind of anonymous. It’s kind of like in your car. You’re a bit more of a dick when you drive than when you walk, ’cause you’re kind of protected. It’s like the same thing. Like, you would never walk like you drive. You never walk up behind somebody and go, “Oh, come on, get a move on. “Oh! “Oh, what? Come on! “Oh, invisible friend, look at this. “Oh. Oh! I know you’re on my side, god. Come on!” Like, getting round in front of them and slowing down… “How do you f*cking like it, huh?” “Learn to walk, you bastard.” You wouldn’t do that, ’cause somebody would kill you. Men are particularly bad at this. I’m as bad as any other man. You know, we think if we have a big machine, a big badass machine, like a big truck or a big car, It makes us a big badass person. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. It makes you the owner of a big badass machine. That’s all. I saw a very good example of this when I used to live in London. I lived in London, and I saw a traffic accident one day between a guy on a big Italian motorcycle… Beautiful, big thing, A big “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go, “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go”… And… And a little Mini Cooper, you know, a little kind of… Beep, beep. And they had this accident. It wasn’t too bad. But the bike went over, and the Mini Cooper went into the curb, and the guy on the bike was f*cking crazy. He was incensed. He got up, and he gets a bike chain. He goes over to the Mini, and the doors are still closed in the mini. He goes over, and he’s f*cking mad. He gets the bike chain, and he’s like, “you crazy motherf*cker! You got to… Well, it wasn’t like that. It was London. He was like… “I’m terribly cross with you right now.” “Ooh, you’ve made me grumpy.” And I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, well, the Mini Cooper is a small car, so the person in it is gonna be small, and he’s gonna be able to bully and intimidate them. And, of course, the door opens, And this f*cking head starts to come out… This huge, giant c0ckney head, big thing, no hair on the top, just bits of bacon and fur and stuff. And this guy… like, one eye in the middle, and he’s like… He gets up, and he… And he’s wearing one of them pinkie rings that guys wear when their hobby is murdering. And he gets…he gets up to his full height, and he looks down at the guy, and he’s like, “What the f*ck do you think you’re doing?” And the guy with the chain said, “I saw a bug on the roof of your car, and… it looked like it might be a sting-Y one. I was chasing it away.” But what happened is, he was made to be responsible for his actions. But that won’t happen to you on the internet. Nobody on the internet… No big c0ckney’s gonna come round to your house If you’ve been on the internet and stuff a bike chain down your pants and slap you… Unless you go to the right website maybe, and then… Chaindownyourpants.Com, If that exists. It will by midnight. I’ll see you there. Now, I noticed when people were getting f*cking mean on the internet… What happened is I accidentally googled myself… Fell over, typed my name in… after I got married. I got married again, and I went on the internet to see how happy everyone was for me. F*cking hell. It was awful. One woman… I think it was a woman. Her name was susan123 or something, and she said, “married again, eh? Hmm. She’s a user, and he’s a pervert.” And I’m like, “how do they know us?” I did. I got married… I got married again. I got married to a Yankee woman. What? You wouldn’t make that noise if you were a real Yankee. You’d just sit there quietly smug in your cardigan. No, I did. I married a Yankee woman from up in the new Hampshire area. And they’re very… very posh kind of Yankees, very kind of upper-class Yankees, which is freaky for me, Because they don’t even sound American. You know, they sound… they are American, but they sound like English people. They’re like, “oh, yes, “We’re terribly American, yes. “We’re terribly American. We enjoy gum, and we detest al-Qaeda.” They do. They sound like upper-class English people. They’re so posh, they don’t say the word “yes.” They say, “ears.” They’re like…you say, “would you like a drink?” They go… “Ears, that would be lovely.” I remember that. I remember that from when I lived in London. Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. And I… I always enjoy doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Oh… although with me, there was always cuddling afterwards. But it’s very confusing having sex with an upper-class English girl, because they’d be saying, “oh, ears, ears, ears. Ears! Ears!” I’d be like, “oh, all right, then.” And the midget would be like, “what the hell are you doing?” I’d be like, “never mind.” And then when they start saying, “oh, I’m arriving. I’m arriving!” I’m kidding. I never heard that. But… They’re very strange, though, the Yankees. They’re very, very strange to me. They’re weird. They’re so tight-ass. They’re like… “ears.” It’s like, even when they get drunk, they’re tight-ass. Like, when my people get drunk, we go crazy. We’re just like… “Oh, Danny boy! You don’t f*cking know me! You…I f*cking love you!” “I’m all right! I’m all right!” “I know! I’m good!” Oh! And the men are worse, but when Yankees get drunk… When Yankees get drunk, they’re just more tight-ass. You go, “are you drunk?” They go, “ears.” They’re like the Addams family. When I first met them, they were…I go to the house, there was a plate of cookies going round, and I went to take one, and somebody said, “Not that one. That’s for mother.” Very strange. Not like my family at all. My family aren’t upper-class or posh or anything. We’re more kind of… How do you describe my family? Carnies, I guess. Carnies. We’re kind of carnies. We are, you know, working-class people with psychic abilities. That’s what we are. My father had a very unusual psychic ability. He could, um, detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a “y”- shaped “u” branch And he could find water with that. Which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. “I think there’s water over here, son.” “It’s a swamp, dad.” Not only could my father find water with a stick. He could find a bar with his shoes. Hang on, son. Hang on. Hang on. Whoa, oh, what’s this? What’s this? Come on. Right again! I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my dad. He wasn’t a drunk or an alcoholic. He was just Scottish. I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic… Or a good one, depending on your point of view, I guess. I certainly threw myself at it with gusto. There was no half-measures with me. People never said, “I wonder if he’s a…” “No, no. He is.” So I mean, I’ve been sober for a very long time and people still say to me, they say, “Oh, Craig, how much did you drink back then?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” It’s not f*cking Weight Watchers. It’s not like you wake up in the dumpster and go, “oomp, 14 units. I need a meeting.” That’s one of the few upsides of active alcoholism. Very little in the way of paperwork. It’s one of those weird things, being an alcoholic. Everybody thinks they know about it more than you do. It’s kind of like having a southern accent, You know what I mean? It’s like people do it back to you. Like, “yickety-dickety.” It’s true. People think they know about it. They’re like, “oh, you know, This is what you have to do.” I was like, “oh, shut the f*ck up.” You don’t know about this. It’s like… people like me, when we listen to people who are not alcoholics, and they’re having drinks and they say, “Mm, oh, I’m gonna have to stop now. I’m starting to feel it.” And I’m like, “that’s the f*cking point.” That’s the point! “Oh, I’m…I’m starting to get a little drunk.” Yes! Starting to feel it is not the end of drinking. It’s the beginning of drinking. Anyway, look, I’m gonna tell you this joke. It’s very important that I tell you, ’cause this is what I want to do. I want to tell you this joke, and we’re done. I love this joke. This is the best joke I ever heard. It’s the most beautiful joke in the world. No pressure. It’s just a great joke. I love this joke. It’s a joke which I think says everything about men and women And about life and the universe and how we must all come together and try and love each other a little bit. It was a joke made famous in Britain in the 1970s by a British comedian called Bernard Manning, who was a lovely man. Well, he was a fat, profane alcoholic, but I liked him. And he used to tell this joke, and here it is. He used to say… “Ladies and gentlemen… “I’ve got my wife her Christmas present. “For Christmas, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go f*ck herself.” Sorry, I love that joke. And that’s it. That’s the joke I came to tell you. And we’re done now. That’s it. It’s over. The joke has been told. Thank you. No, I’m done. The only thing that remains for me to do is to thank you for your southern hospitality, your weirdly creepy friendliness, and your, uh… and your adorable accents. Yuguda-Diggada-Doo-Doo. I’d like to thank you the only way I really know how… In the form of a song. It’s a song that goes a little something like this. * * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * I think I did it again * I made you believe * we’re more than just friends * * oh, baby * it might seem like a crush * but it doesn’t mean * that I’m serious * ’cause to lose all my senses * * that is just so typically me * * oh, baby, baby * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent * you see my problem is this * I’m dreaming away * wishing that heroes, they truly exist * * I cry watching the days * can’t you see I’m a fool * in so many ways? * but to lose all my senses * that is just so typically me * * baby, oh * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent *

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Jerry Seinfeld: I’m Telling You for the Last Time (1998) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerry-seinfeld-im-telling-you-for-the-last-time-full-transcript/

The special aired live on HBO on August 9, 1998 from the Broadhurst Theatre in New York City. Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld. Thank you. Thank you. That was very, very nice. Thank you very much. Thank you. Standing ovation. Now I know there’s always a… Scuse me? Perfect start of the show. Thank you. I know it’s not easy for an audience to give standing ovation. There’s always a few people that don’t really wanna do it. I’ve seen those people. They’re always like… “Are we doing’ this now?” So, anyway, I’m thrilled to be back here in New York. I love how certain things about New York never change. They’re always constant, they’re always there for you. The cabbies and the BO. What is with the BO and these guys? How long are these shifts? Can’t we get this man a ten minute break for a shower? You’re in the back and it’s coming through the glass. You’re just going: “What in the…” Not only they put that cherry puppet stuff on the dashboard so you get a cherry BO. I don’t know what that’s supposed to be… Even the fruit showers more often than this. The funny thing about being in these cabs is that when you’re in Manhattan for some reason you don’t get scared, no matter how fast the guy goes. Well, you know, he’s driving fast and recklessly… but he’s a professional. He’s got a cab driver’s license, I can see it right there. I don’t even know what it takes to get a cab driver’s license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed driving cabs in this town. Also helps to have a name with like 8 consonants in a row. Did you ever see some of the letters in these names? What is the “O” with a line through it, by the way? What planet is that from? You need a chart of the elements if you wanna report the guy. “Yes, officer, his name was Amal and then the symbol for Boron.” “No, it’s not Manganese. I had the periodic chart with me at the time.” But I love to travel. I love it whether it’s a car or whether it’s a plane. I like to get out there, I like to keep it moving. I love airports. Feel safe in the airports thanks to the high caliber individuals we have working at X-ray security. How ’bout this crack squad of savvy motivated personnel? The way you wanna setup your airport’s security, is you want the short, heavy set women at the front with the skin tight uniform. That’s your first line of defense. You want those pants so tight the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open, you can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear life. Then you put the bag on the conveyor belt. It goes through the little luggage car wash. Then you have the other genius, down at the other end, looking at the little X-ray TV screen. This Einstein was chosen to stand in front of X-rays 14 hours a day. It’s his profession. Looking in that thing… I have looked in that TV screen. I cannot make out one object. He’s standing there… “What is that? A hairdryer with a scope on it?” “That looks ok. Keep it moving.” “Some sort of bowling ball candle? Yeah, I got no problem with that, just…” “You know, we don’t wanna hold up the line.” So, I go to the bathroom in the airport. What is the story on the sinks in airport bathrooms that they will not give us a twist-it-on twist-it-off, human-style faucet? Is that too risky for the general population? Too dangerous? We gotta install the one-handed, spring-loaded, pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucet. You know, those ones you gotta go: “Hey I got a little water there” “Hey I got a couple of drops.” What is it they think we would do with a faucet? Turn them all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes? “Come on, the water’s on, let’s go!” “I turned it on full blast.” “You idiot! We’re businessmen, we’re gonna miss our plane.” “Who cares! Water!” That’s how they think we’re gonna act. Jerry Seinfeld: Playboy Interview (1993) Do the people that work in these shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? “Yeah, $14 a tuna sandwich. We think that’s fair.” Then you get on the plane. The pilot of course always has to come on the PA system. This guy is so excited about being a pilot, he can’t even stand himself. “Well, I’m gonna take it up to about 20,000.” “Then I’m gonna make a left by Pittsburg.” “Then I’m gonna make a right by Chicago.” “And then I’m gonna bring it down to 15,000.” He’s giving the whole route, all his moves. We’re in the back going: “Yeah, fine.” “You know, just do whatever the hell you gotta do. I don’t know.” “Just end-up where it says on the ticket, really.” Do I bother him with what I’m doing? Knocking on the cockpit door: “I’m having the peanuts now.” “Yeah, that’s what we’re doing back here.” “I thought I’d keep you posted.” “I’m not gonna have them all now, I’m just gonna have a few.” “I don’t wanna finish it because it’s such a big bag.” Then the stewardesses have to come out. They have to do their little emergency equipment show. You know, that thing they do. One of them reads it, the other one acts it out. “Hey, we have seatbelts and oxygen masks.” “Things for you to use.” They show you how to use the seatbelt, in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965. “Oh, you lift up on the buckle! Oh!” “I was trying to break the metal apart.” “I thought that’s how it works.” “I was gonna try and tear the fabric part of the belt.” “I thought if I could just get it started…” Then they’re always pointing out the emergency exits, always with that very vague point though, isn’t it? “Where the hell would these places be?”, would you say. The plane’s at a 90 degrees angle, your hair is on fire, you’re looking for this. How you think you’re gonna do there? She’s thinking: “I’m getting out before you’re getting out.” “You’re dead, you’re dead, I’m gone.” Then they always have to close that first class curtain, too. They always give you that little look. “Maybe if you would have worked a little harder…” I wouldn’t have to do this. It’s all a tiny world on the airplane, isn’t it? There’s always that little tiny table there, tiny computer, little cramped seats, tiny food, tiny utensils, tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirror, tiny faucet. So, there’s a small problem, there’s gonna be a slight delay, we’re gonna be a little late. I always go in the airplane’s bathroom, even if I don’t have to go, I gotta go in there. It’s nice. It’s like your own little apartment on the plane, isn’t it? You go in there, lock the door, the light comes on after second. It’s like a little surprise party. But I’m always impressed of the amount of equipment that they have in that place. I mean it’s little, but they got tissues, towels, closets, compartments, tiny slot for used razor blades. They always have that. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much they’re using up razor blades? Is this what’s happening? What? Is the wolf man flying in there, for Christ’s sakes? Who could shave that much? So, I’m supposed to go to Florida next week after we’re done here. That’s where my older relatives live. I don’t really wanna go. Florida… A lot of old people down there. You know, they live in those minimum security prisons. That’s where they put all the old people. What’s with all the security there? With the guard gate, with that arm coming down, the guy’s got a uniform, guns… Are the old people trying to escape? Or, are people stealing old people? What is the security problem? I just can’t drive around there. You know how these old people drive… They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. And they left that turn signal on since they left the house that morning. That’s a legal turn in Florida. It’s known as an eventual left. You can signal this week, turn any following year of your life. What is that age that old people reach when they decide when they back out of their driveway, they’re not looking anymore. You know how they do that? They just go: “Well, I’m old and I’m coming back.” “I survived. Let’s see if you can.” One thing I like about being with my older relatives is it makes me feel like a kid again. You know, they’re feeding you. You’re trying to steal candy. Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. That was… First ten years of my life, I think the only clear thought I had was: “GET CANDY!” That was it. Family, friends, school, they were just obstacles in they way of the candy. I’m out for the candy here. I’m just thinking: “Get candy! Get candy!” That’s why you have to teach kids not to take candy from a stranger if they’re playing in the playground, because they’re such candy idiot moron brains… They’re just: “This man has candy, I’m going with him.” “Goodbye. Whatever happens to me. Get candy, get candy…” “Don’t go! They’ll torture you, they’ll kidnap you.” “It doesn’t matter, he has an ‘Old Henry’. I have to take that chance.” “Get candy, get candy…” So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like: “What is this? What did you say?” “What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy?” “Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?” “Are you kidding me? When is this happening? Where? Why? Take me with you!” “I gotta be a part of this. I’ll do anything that they want.” “I can wear that.” “I’ll wear anything I have to wear.” “I’ll do anything I’ll have to do to get the candy from those fools” “that are so stupid they’re giving it away.” So, the first couple of years I made my own costumes which of course sucked: the ghost, the hobo… Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I’ve got the Superman Halloween costume, not surprisingly. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn’t it? That was good about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with. You go to your first house: “Trick or…” Snap! “It broke. I don’t believe it!” “Wait up, you guys! I gotta fix it!” “Hey, wait up! Wait up!” That’s what kids say. They don’t say: “Wait!” They say: “Wait up! Hey, wait up!” ‘Cause when you’re little, your life is up, the future is up, everything you want is up. “Wait up, hold up, shut up.” “Mamma, clean up”, “Let me stay up.” For parents, of course, everything is just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down”, “Slow down”, “Come down here” “Sit down”, “Put that down” So I had my little costume, I was physically ready, I was preparing myself, I did not try on the costume prior to Halloween. Do you remember… This is an obscure one but… On the side of the box, I remember from my Superman costume, it actually said: “Do not attempt to fly!” They printed that as a warning ’cause kids would put it on and… going off the roofs. I love the idea of the kid who’s stupid enough to think he actually is Superman but smart enough to check that box before he goes off the roof. “Let me see if it says anything about me being Superman…” “Oh, wait a second here, I…” So, anyway, but if my hopes were up I was thinking that this is probably the same exact costume that Superman wears himself. When you put these things on, it’s not exactly the super-fit that you are hoping for. It looks more like Superman’s pyjamas, that’s what it looks like. It’s all kinda loose and flowing. The neck line kinda comes down about there… flimsy little ribbon string in the back. Plus my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway. I don’t recall Superman wearing a jacket. Not like I had: cheap __quarteroid__, phony fur. “Boy, I’m Superman but it’s a little chilly out and I’m glad I have this cheap little 10 year old kids jacket.” So I’m going out trick-or-treating but the mask’s rubber band keeps breaking and keeps getting shorter. I’m fixing it, it’s getting tighter and tighter on my face. You know, when it starts slicing into your eyeballs there and you… you’re trying to breathe through that little hole… getting all sweaty. “I can’t see, I can’t breathe but we gotta keep going, we gotta get the candy.” And a half an hour into it you just take the mask: “Oh, the hell with it.” Bing-bong! “Yeah, it’s me, give me the candy.” “Yeah, I’m Superman, look at the pants legs, what do you care?” Looking at those last years of trick-or-treating you’re getting a little too old for it. Still out there, going through the motions. Bing-bong! “Come on lady, let’s go.” “Halloween, doorbells, candy, let’s pick it up and…” They come at the door… they always ask you the same stupid questions: “What are you supposed to be?” “I’m supposed to be done by now.” “You wanna move it along the three musketeers.” “I got 18 houses on this block, sweetheart.” “Just hit the bag, we hit the road. That’s the way it works.” Sometimes they have that little white bag twisted on the top… You know that’s gonna be some crap candy. Doesn’t have the official Halloween markings on it. “Hold it, lady. Wait a second. What is this? The orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut?” “Do me a favor, you keep that one.” “We have all the doorstops we need already. Thank you.” “We’re going for name candy only this year.” Food is so complicated as an adult… You see people in the supermarket. They’re just sweating out. Nobody knows… “what do I eat… the proteins, the carbs, the fat content…” “Oh, my God, the fat content!” We’re just walking up to each other: “You look good. What do you eat? Maybe I’ll eat that.” The whole supermarket itself is designed to break down your sense of having any life It’s like a casino. There’s no clocks, no windows, no easily accessible exits… Did you ever not buy anything in a supermarket and try to get out of there? It’s impossible. There’s no way out. You can see what happens to people. When they walk up to the supermarket, they really have a whole sense of purpose. “I’m gonna get this, I’m gonna get that, I’m gonna pay for it, I’m gonna get out of here and get back to my normal life.” You see that same person 10 minutes later just… “What aisle is this?” “Why did I come up here?” Always noticing something new. “Oh, they got them in muskeet flavor now…” “What is ‘muskeet’?” “I wonder if it’s made from mosquitoes.” Produce section I always find challenging. There’s always some special thing you’re supposed to know. You know, about each fruit… “Summer time make sure your peaches are…” I don’t know, whatever it is. You gotta fake it… you know, I’m shaking stuff holding it up to the light. “Yeah, that’s a good one. I’m sure glad I found that one.” Cantalopes rolling down the aisle. “See the way that’s fading left, that one’s not ready.” “I don’t want that one.” I’m very impressed with this seedless watermelon product that they have for us. They’ve done it. We now have seedless watermelon. Pretty amazing. What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon, I wonder? The melons aren’t humping’, are they? They must be planting something. How does this work? And what kind of scientists do this type of work? I read this thing was 15 years in development. In the laboratories with gene splicing or, you know, whatever they do there… I mean, other scientists are working on AIDS, cancer, heart disease. These guys are going: “No, I’m going to devote myself to melon.” “I think that’s much more important.” “Sure thousands are dying needlessly but this… that’s gotta stop.” “Have you ever tried to pick a wet one off the floor, it’s almost impossible.” “I really think we should devote the money to these studies.” Milk is a big problem for people in the supermarket. They’re never quite sure if they have it, if they need it. They bury it way in the back in the supermarket. You gotta find it, you gotta hack your way through all the displays. “Yeah, there it is. There’s the milk.” “Do we have any milk?” People are never really sure if they have milk. You think you have milk, you might have. “I know there’s a carton in there, I don’t know how much is in it.” “Well, what shall we do?” ‘Cause you wanna be sure. There’s nothing worse than thinking you have milk and not having it. You know, you got the bowl setup, the cereal, the spoon, the napkin, the TV, the newspaper, everything’s ready to go. You lift up the carton and it’s too light. “Oh, no!” “Too light!” Sometimes you think you need milk: “Hey we’d better pick up some milk.” Like many of you are thinking right now. “You know, he’s right. Maybe we should pick up some milk.” So you pick up some milk on your way home. And then you discover you already have milk. And now you got way too much milk. That’s no good either. Now it’s a race against the clock with the expiration date. That freaky thing. Now your eating punchbowls of cereal, three meals a day. You’re washing your face with milk. Bringing cats in from all over the neighborhood. “Hurry up and drink it! Come on, it’s almost time!” “Get back over here…” How do they know that that is the definite exact day? You know, they don’t say like it’s in the vicinity, give or take, roughly… They brand it right into the side of the carton. “That’s your goddamn day right there.” “Oh, don’t screw with us.” “We know what day is the final day.” “And then it is so over.” Have you ever had milk the day after the date? Scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl. “It’s after the day! I’m taking a big chance!” “I smelled it, you smelled it, what is it supposed to smell like?” “It smelled like milk to me.” I don’t know how they’re so definite, though. Maybe the cows tip them off when they’re milking them. “July 3rd” To me the only thing tougher than the supermarket is the drugstore. The drugstore’s really challenging because you have no idea what they’re talking about. You’re just looking at the ingredients… I had a cold a couple of weeks ago. So I go in there and I’m looking… The entire wall is cold medication. And you can’t understand anything so you’re just reading ingredients. Did you ever catch yourself reading ingredients in the drugstore? “Oh, this has .03 tetrahydroziline! It’s a good amount of that.” But it’s so hard to figure out. Sometimes they have: this one’s quick acting, this one’s long lasting. “Hmm, when do I need to feel good?” “Now or later?” “I don’t know.” They always tell you how the medicine works on TV in the commercials. That’s my favorite part, with the guy that says: “Here’s the human body” and there’s always this guy… No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. He’s always got the tube coming down here and then the circle area. These are the complex inner workings of the human body, I assume. I’m sure, when you go to the medical school, they put that up on the board the first day “Ok, everyone, now remember, you got your tube coming down from the mouth” “and that goes into your circle area.” “That’s pretty much all we know.” “That’s it for today.” “Don’t miss tomorrow,” “we’re gonna practice making people waiting in the little room in their underwear” “and then you’ll all be doctors.” “That’s all there is to it.” Then they have to show you the pain… the part where they say: “Here’s where you hurt.” Pain is usually represented by some sort of lightning attacking the guy, glowing redness is popular, sometimes parts of the guys body will just burst into flames… Sometimes the whole guy is out of focus. I never had a doctor saying to me: “-Are you having any pain?” “-Yes, I am.” “Are you having any lightning with the pain?” “Have you been in a fun-house mirror at any time?” Then they tell you about the pain relieving ingredient. There’s always gotta be a lotta that. Nobody wants anything less than ‘extra-strength’. ‘Extra-strength’ is the absolute minimum. You can even get ‘strength’. ‘Strength’ is out now. It’s all ‘extra-strength’. Some people are not satisfied with ‘extra’, they want ‘maximum’. “Give me the ‘maximum-strength’.” “Give me the maximum allowable human dosis.” “Figure out what will kill me and then back it off a little bit.” Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? “Clear out, everybody. I’m working with pills up here.” “I’m taking them from this big bottle and then I’m gonna put them in the little bottle.” “That’s my whole job.” “I can’t be down on the floor with you people.” “Yes, I’d like to get this prescription pills, please.” “All right, but you wait down there.” “No one come up here but me.” There’s a little bit of arrogance in the medical community, I think we can all live with that. Like, when you go to see the doctor, you don’t see the actual doctor first. You must wait in the waiting room. There’s no chance of not waiting. That’s the name of the room. The doctors are all back there… “We can’t take them now, we’ve already got this room.” You sit there, you pretend you’re reading the little magazine, you’re actually looking at the other people. “I wonder what he’s got.” “That guy is a goner.” Then they call you… You get very excited when they call you ’cause you think now you’re gonna see the doctor. But you’re not. Now you’re going into the next, smaller, waiting room. Now you don’t even have your magazine. Now you got your pants around your ankles, you’re sitting on that butcher paper they pulled out over the table… Sometimes I bring a pickle with me and I put it next to me right there on the table… …in case the doctor wants to fold the whole thing up for a to-go order. “Get your pants off and get in there and I will tell you what I think.” Doctors always want your pants off. “Take your pants off. The doctor would like to see you with no pants.” “Just get them off.” “- It’s my head.” “- I said, take your pants off.” But I hate the extra wait, so I start screwing around with some of his stuff. “Maybe I’ll turn that thing up a little bit.” “Whatever the hell that does.” Take all the tongue depressors out, lick’em all, put’em all back in. I, too, can play at this waiting game. Just once I would like to say to the doctor: “You know what? I’m not ready for you yet.” “Why don’t you go back in your little office and I’ll be in in a minute.” “And get YOUR pants off.” “Then we’ll see what’s what.” Why is it doctors need that little office for, anyway? Little books, little stupid aquarium. I guess he doesn’t want people to see him looking stuff up: “What the hell was that?” “Jesus Christ!” “That was kinda gross.” “That wasn’t the tube or the circle.” A friend of mine is going in for a nose job next week. Guy. You know what the technical term for a nose job is? Of course you do… It’s New York. Everybody… Rhinoplasty! Rhino! This guy is aware he has a bit of a problem… he’s obviously sensitive about it, that’s why he made the appointment. Do we need to compare him to a rhinoceros? When you go for a hair transplant you don’t say: “We’re going to perform a cue-ball-ectomy on you, mister Johnson.” “We feel the chrome-dome-ia has advanced…” “to a level we term skin-head-ia.” “These are all medical terms, if you don’t understand.” Of course, everybody wants to look their best, they’re all out there, everybody wants to look good, guys, gals, sexuality. I’m a single guy, by the way, there are no other guys attached to me. Thank you very much. Thank you. I love you, too. But I do feel the need to see other people. I was kinda engaged about 10 or so years ago. Didn’t wanna get married, that was the closest I got. I can tell you this: if you’re engaged and you don’t wanna get married it’s a little tense. It’s like you’re on that first hill of the roller-coaster but you don’t really wanna go on the ride… going click-click, click-click… I was best man at a wedding one time and that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought… ‘Best man’ I thought it was a bit much. I thought we had the groom and the ‘pretty good man’. That’s more than enough. If I am the best man, why is she marrying him? I had to wear the tuxedo which, I am convinced, was invented by a woman. “Well, they’re all the same, we might as well dress them all the same.” The tuxedo also functions as a wedding safety device for the bride… …in case the groom chickens out, everybody could just take one step over and the ceremony continues. That’s why they don’t say: “Do you take David Williams to be your faithfully wedded husband?” They say: “Do you take THIS MAN?” But, men and women will never understand each other, we all know that. It’s just not gonna happen, just forget it. I know I will not understand women. I know I will never be able to understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax pour it on her upper thigh and rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider. I’m not spending anymore time working on that. And I know women don’t understand men. I know there are women looking at me right now wondering: “what goes on in that little brain of his?” “I bethca I could manipulate that brain.” I betcha you could. I betcha women would like to know what men really think… the truth, the honest truth. You wanna know what men are really thinking? ‘Cause I could tell you. Would you like to know? Alright, I’ll tell you. Nothing. We’re not thinking anything. We’re just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. To just kinda check stuff out. We work because they force us to, but other than that, this is really the only thing we wanna do. We like women, we want women. But that’s pretty much as far as we’ve thought. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites… These are the best ideas we’ve had so far. Honking the car horn amazes me! This is gotta be just the last living brain cell in this guys skull that comes up with this idea. She’s on the street, he’s in the car. Beep-beep. “I think I made my point.” What is she supposed to do? Kick off the heel, start running after the car? Grab on to the bumper? The car comes to a stop… “It’s a good thing you honked.” “I had no idea how you felt.” Why do men behave in these ways? Why are we rude, obnoxious, getting drunk, falling down, peeling rubber, making kissing Why are we like this? I know what you ladies are thinking… “No, no, not my guy. I’m working with him, he’s coming along.” No, he’s not. He’s not coming anywhere. We, men, know: no matter how poorly we behave, it seems we will somehow end up with women anyway. Look around this room. Look at all the men you see with lovely women. Do you think these are special men? Gifted men? One of a kind men? They’re the same jerks as any of the ones that I’m talking about. They’re doing just fine. Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world today. Wherever women are, we have men looking into the situation right now. We explored the Earth looking for women. We even went to the Moon just to see if there were any women there. That’s why we brought that little car. Why would you bring a car, unless there’s some chance of going on a date? What the hell were they doing with a car on the goddamn Moon? You’re on the Moon already! Isn’t that far enough? There is no more male idea in the history of the universe than: “why don’t we fly up to the Moon and drive around?” That is the essence of male thinking right there. All men kinda think of themselves like low-level super-heroes in their own world. I’m not even supposed to be telling you this. But when men are growing up and are reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman… these aren’t fantasies. These are options. This is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind. I’ll give you a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway, moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car? Without fail, he’s got the arm out of the window holding the mattress. This is classic male idiot super-hero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 mph… “I got it! I got it!” “Don’t worry about it.” “I’m using my arm!” But I’m sure there’re many dates going on in this room right now… Dating is not easy. What is a date really but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. “Well, Bill, the boss thinks you’re the man for the position,” “why don’t you strip down and meet some of the people you’ll be working with.” Sex doesn’t make anything any easier. It only makes it more complicated. Women have two types of orgasms: the actual ones and the ones that they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this. Which is: we’re fine with it. “You do whatever the hell it is you gotta do.” To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway. And determining a female orgasm is like being asked: “What did you see after the car went out of control?” “Well, I remember I heard a lot of screeching noises…” “I was facing the wrong way at one point…” “and in the end, my body was thrown clear.” I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people… They’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. I’m impressed by that. I don’t know how they missed it. A Chinese farmer, gets up, works in the field with the shovel all day… Shovel… Spoon… Come on… There it is. You’re not ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues… And why is McDonald’s still counting? This is really insecure, isn’t it? 40 gillion, 80 million, zillion, billion, killion, tillion… What is this? Does it mean anything to anyone? 89 billion sold. “Ok. I’ll have one.” I would love to meet the chairman of the board of McDonald’s… Just to say to him: “Look, we all get it.” “You have sold a lotta hamburgers.” “Whatever the hell the number is.” “Just put up a sign: ‘McDonald’s, we’re doing very well!'” “I don’t need to hear about every goddamn one of them.” What is their ultimate goal? To have cows just surrendering voluntarily? Showing up at the door: “We’d like to turn ourselves in.” “We see the sign… we realize we have very little chance out there.” “We’d like to be a ‘Happy Meal’ if that’s at all possible.” I was in London about a month ago, the World Cup was going on. I enjoy any sporting event where nations get involved. I find that the most exciting. The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event, although I think I have a problem with that silver medal. I think, if I was an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last then win the silver. If you think about it… if you win the gold, you feel good. If you win in the bronze, you think: “Well, at least I got something.” But if you win that silver, it’s like: “Congratulations! You… almost won.” “Of all the losers, you came in first of that group.” “You’re the number one… loser.” “No one lost… ahead of you.” And they don’t loose by much. These short races… Three hundredths of a second, two hundredths of a second… I don’t know how they live with that the rest of their lives. ‘Cause they gotta tell the story. Everyone wants to hear the story. “Wow! Congratulations! Silver medal!” “Did you trip? Did you not hear the gun go off? Tell us what happened.” It’s a hundredth of a second. People say: “What was the difference in the margin there?” Eh, uh, that was it. I trained, I worked out, I exercised my entire life, I never had a date, I never had a drink, I never had a beer, I was doing push-ups since I was fetus, I flew halfway around the world, everybody I knew in my whole life was there, the gun was shot… Eh, ooh! And they always have that photo finish… That photo finish is always: silver, gold. This is the whole race. Gold, silver, bronze. Dead last. Greatest guy in the world… never heard of him. The guy’s gotta be thinking: “If I had a pimple, I would have won!” Some of the events in the Olympics don’t make sense to me. I don’t understand the connection to any reality… Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon. That combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun… ski, bang, bang, bang… It’s like combining swimming and strangle a guy. Why don’t we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers… And that other one that I love is the looge When the guy wears this slick suit… This is on the bob-sledge run, but it’s not even a sledge. It’s just Bob. It’s just a human being hanging on for their life. This is the whole sport. “Oh, he pointed his toes. Oh, this guy’s a tremendous athlete.” The looge is the only sport that I’ve ever seen that you could have people competing in it against their will If they were just grabbing people off the street… “Hey, hey, hey… what is this?” “I don’t wanna be in the looge.” You put the helmet on, you wouldn’t really hear them screaming… You’d just… “You’re in the looge buddy.” World record. Didn’t even wanna do it. I wanna see that event next year: ‘the involuntary looge.’ I consider myself something of a sportsman. I like sporty type things. Scooba-diving. Did that in Australia… that was a lotta fun. A great activity where your main goal is to… not die. It’s really all I was thinking about the entire day. “Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die…” “There’s a fish. There’s a rock. Who cares? Don’t die…” “Let’s swim, and breathe, and live…” “Because living is good” “and dying… not as good.” So I go with this guy… Mister Scooba-Guy. He takes me to the store, makes sure I buy everything I need… I had the waterproof wallet… nylon… in case we run into a sea turtle that can break a 50. Waterproof watch… That’s important, gee… “You’re completely out of oxygen and look at the time.” “Geez, now I’m dead and I’m late.” I like these somewhat high risk things: the scooba… I’ve gone hand gliding, I’ve gone skydiving, I like a little bit of risk… I don’t know, maybe that’s why I do this… I saw a thing, actually a study that said: speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing. Number two, was death. Death is number two? This means, to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. Skydiving was definitely the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Let me ask you this question in regards to the skydiving: what is the point of the helmet in the skydiving? Can you kinda make it? You jump out of that plane and that chute doesn’t open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on, the helmet’s talking with the other helmets: “It’s a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly.” “You never jump out of a plane unless you got a human being strapped underneath you.” “That’s basic safety.” There are many things we can point to as proof that the human being is not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet… Why did we invent the helmet? Well, because we were participating in many activities that were cracking our heads. We looked at the situation… We chose not to avoid these activities but to just make little plastic hats so that we can continue our head cracking lifestyles. The only thing dumber than the helmet, is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly it’s not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it’s in. At least the helmet is functional clothing. I appreciate that. Clothing to me, for the most part, is just such a tremendous pain in the ass. If you think of the amount of time, mental effort, physical energy, that goes into your clothes: picking’em, buying’em, does that go with that I don’t think I can wear that, I’m missing a button, this is dirty, I gotta get something new, that’s up my ass, can’t wear this… I think we should all wear the same exact clothes. Because it seems to be what happens eventually, anyway. Anytime you see a movie or a TV-show where there’s people from the future or another planet they’re all wearing the same outfit. I think the decision just gets made: “All right, everyone, from now on, it’s just gonna be the one piece silver suit” “with the V stripe and the boots.” “That’s the outfit.” “We’re gonna be visiting other planets, we wanna look like a team here.” “The individuality thing is over.” The dry cleaner I can’t stand. ‘Cause I don’t think he’s doing it. I don’t know what goes on back there but I cannot conceive such a thing as actual dry cleaning. We all accept it ’cause we see the stores everywhere. But, think about it. Dry? What is dry? You can’t clean something dry. What do they do? Tap it, shake it, blow on it? There’s gotta be some kind of a liquid back there. Did you ever get something on your clothes and get it off with your fingernail? That’s dry cleaning. That is the only dry cleaning. I brought this guy a suede jacket… got spots on it ’cause I was in the rain. He says: “there’s nothing we can do.” “Water ruins leather.” Aren’t cows outdoors a lot of the time? What? If it rains do the cows go up to the farmhouse “Hey, let us in. We’re all wearing leather out here.” “Hey, open up, man. I’m suede.” “I’m living suede.” ‘Dry clean only’ is definitely the only warning label that human beings actually respect. They look at cigarettes: “This will give you cancer, kill you an the kids.” “It’s good, I’ll do whatever the hell I want.” “Don’t drink this medicine and operate heavy machinery.” “Who cares. That’s for people who don’t know what the hell they’re doing.” “I’m a pro.” But if you have something that’s dry clean only and somebody goes to put it in the washing machine “Don’t put it in the washing machine! It’s dry clean only!” “Are you crazy, are you out of your mind?” It is amazing what people will believe. I watch these infomercials late at night… If it gets late enough the products start to look good to me. I have actually found myself sitting there thinking “I don’t think I have a knife that can cut through the shoe.” “I don’t think any of my knives are good enough to cut through shoes.” “I’m gonna get this knife and cut my shoes off.” “That seems pretty good.” I think the dumbest thing you can do late at night is “I’m gonna get this thing and get in shape.” It’s 3 in the morning, you got potato chip crumbs on your shirt, you got one eye open, one sock hanging of the foot. “I’m gonna start working out with this thing.” “I’m gonna order this thing.” “This is all I need to get in shape.” “This is a fantastic device.” Rip-off. We can’t stop getting ripped-off. We’re gonna get ripped off. We think we’re not, we think we’re very clever, we think we’re gonna foil the crooks. We go to the beach, go in the water, put you wallet in the sneaker, who’s gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? “I put it down by the toe. They never look there.” “They check the heels, they move on.” When you have a TV set in the back of your car and you gotta leave the car in the street for a few minutes so you put a sweater over the TV. “It’s a couple of sweaters, that’s all.” “One of them is square with an antenna coming out of it.” So feeble the things we come up with to foil the crooks! The ‘Wanted’ posters at the post office… You’re there, you got your package, you’re trying to mail something, this guy’s wanted in 12 states. Yeah, now what? Ok. I check the guy standing in line behind me… if it’s not him, that’s pretty much all I can do. Why don’t they just hold on to this guy when they’re taking his picture. “The guy’s there with you!” “Come out from behind the camera and grab him!” “No, we don’t do that. We take their picture, we let them go.” “That’s how we get the front and side shot.” “The front is his face, the side is him leaving.” Why don’t they put the pictures of the criminals on the postage stamps? Let the postman look for’em. He’s out there walking around all day. He’s got the uniform on. Can’t he do something? “We got another letter for you, mister Jon…” “I think that’s him…” So we really had a good time… This is the end of a long tour. When you’re on the road you always have to do whatever anyone suggests that day. Because you have nothing to do and you have no ideas so you do whatever anyone suggests. So, a couple of weeks we go to the track. I did that a couple of times in my life. Betting on the horses… you can’t possibly win. I don’t understand what we’re betting on… Do the horses know that it’s a race? Are they aware? What is going on here? After the race are the horses walking back to the stable: “I was third, I was first, I was ninth.” I think they’re thinking: “Oat bag, I get my oat bag now!” “Oat bag time.” I gotta bet on this idiot? I mean, I’m sure the horses have some idea that the jockey is in a big hurry. I mean, he’s on him, he’s hitting him with this thing. He’s going: “Come on, come on” Obviously he’s in a hurry, the jockey’s in a hurry. But the horse must get to the end and go: “We were just here! What was the point of that?” “This is where we were.” “That was the longest possible route you could take.” “Why didn’t we just stay here? We would have been first!” I’ll tell you one thing the horses definitely do not know. They do not know that if you should accidentally trip and break your leg at any point during the race we blow your brains out. I think they’re missing that little tidbit of information. I think if they knew that you’d see some mighty careful stepping coming down that home stretch. “Take it easy, take it easy.” “You win, I’ll place… whatever.” “The important thing is your health.” I’ve gone horseback riding. I can’t do that. They don’t give you the really good horses when you’re not good at it, I found out. The guy says: “What level rider would you say that you are?” I say: “I don’t know… Zero, nothing, whatever the system is.” “I can’t do it. Is that clear enough for you?” “I’m going where the horse wants to go.” “That’s my level.” After they hear that, they start looking around: “All right, is Glue Stick back yet?” “How ’bout Almost Dead? Why don’t you saddle him up?” So I get on this U-shaped lightning-quick steed… I got the only horse you could put your feet flat on the ground while you’re riding it. “I’m riding a hammock here.” Looking up at my friends: “I don’t think that we all got the same kind of horse here.” It’s kind of a secure feeling. I could walk along with him if I wanted. And the horse wasn’t too thrilled with having me either. ‘Cause I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. So he takes control. Going this way, going that way… Then they just stop. “What? What is it?” And they look up at you… “Chill-out hop-along. I know the trail.” “I’m here every goddamn day, ok?” “And I really appreciate the kicking while I’m taking a leak, too.” “Thanks a lot. That really improves the already wonderful life that I have.” “People either sitting on me or kicking me while I’m peeing.” “I’m living in a paradise here at the ranch.” I get out of a car that has 300 horsepower so I can sit on an animal that has one. Why do we even use the term ‘horsepower’? Is that to further humiliate horses? The space-shuttle rockets have 20 million horsepower. Is there any point in still comparing it… to the horses? Any chance of going back to using rockets with horses, trying to keep track of how many we’re gonna need? “Hey, horse. There’s a rocket engine that broke down.” “Can you get 20 million friends together really fast?” “20 million? That’s a lot.” They make glue out of horses. I don’t know who started that. Who saw that potential? That’s pretty amazing to me. Working in a stationery store, a horse walks by: “Hey, wait a minute!” “I think he could be glue.” “How do we pick out the really sticky ones?” “You leave that to me.” “What about that one over there?” “He’s weaving around. He looks like he’s out of his mind.” “He’ll be ‘crazy glue’.” To me the toughest part of that horse life is that trailer. Why do they make the horse trailer like that? Is that the best way to move a horse out on the highway? With their huge fat disgusting rear ends right in my face? Do the horses like it? They’re probably standing in the back, going: “Do you feel a draft, Bill?” “I can’t see anything back there, but it’s awfully breezy, isn’t it?” “You don’t think our huge fat asses are hanging out the back of this truck, do you.” “Why the hell would they do that to us?” “They already ride us around and kick us while we’re peeing, why would they stick our ass out of a truck?” But I have fully adjusted to the road. I like hotels. I enjoy tiny soap. I pretend that it’s normal soap and my muscles are huge. And you can always tell when you’re in a fine quality luxury hotel when the TV is bolted to a solid steel beam and welded into the wall. Is this a big problem in the hotel business? People coming up to the desk: “I’d like to check out.” The main thing is the bathroom, the shower, that’s gotta be good. That’s why I don’t like to stay with people on the road. I don’t want to be in other people’s showers. I don’t know how to operate them. You can never get the ratios right on the dials. Sometimes a 16th of an inch is a thousand degrees. You gotta get out of the way of the water. There’s always that little hair stuck on the wall, too. And you wanna get rid of it but you don’t wanna touch it. I don’t know how it got up that high in the first place. Maybe it’s got a life of its own. So you gotta aim the shower head at the hair… That never works. You gotta get a pool of water from under the shower and over to the hair. Get it down a foot at a time like this. The hair is hanging on. But… we have to fight these battles. We’re all alone in the bathroom. Whatever goes wrong you have to handle it. Did you ever go to a big party, go into the bathroom, flush the toilet, the water starts coming up… This is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being. You’ll do anything to stop this. You’ll loose your mind, start talking to the toilet: “No, please, don’t do this to me!” “No, come on, you know this is not my responsibility.” “I didn’t make this happen.” “I’ll get you the blue thing, the man in the boat, just let me off the hook this one time.” Thank you very much. You’ve been a wonderful audience. Thank you for coming.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

TODD BARRY: SPICY HONEY (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-barry-spicy-honey-2017-full-transcript/

[fire crackling] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Todd Barry. [applause and cheering] Thank you. Oh, my God. -[cheering continues] -[Todd] Ooh. [Todd] Oh yeah, that’s how you do it. Oh, my God. Thank you. Aah! Nothing like that comedy special applause… that you only got when you do a comedy special… [laughter] and never ever, ever else. Kind of a typical Todd Barry front row– Actually, not… Some women. [laughter] A typical Todd Barry front row is guy by himself, empty chair… guy by himself, empty chair with a graphic novel on it… [laughter] guy by himself, Pop-Tart. [laughter] Guy brings a Pop-Tart from home. Puts it on the unsold seat… because his social skills are a bit questionable. One might call him a dweeb. [laughter] You guys are a good crowd. No one’s texting. That’s good. Sometimes I see someone texting in the crowd, I’ll call them out, and they say, “It’s an emergency.” “It’s an emergency.” One of those really urgent emergencies, where you don’t have to leave a comedy show. [laughter] What kind of texting emergencies happen at a comedy show? “Hey, Bob, your house is on fire.” “I’ll tell you what’s on fire… [laughter] the comedy stylings of a young man named Todd Barry.” [laughter] “Seriously, someone’s been killed.” “No one is killing harder than Todd.” [laughter] “I don’t want to read another word about my house… now that Todd Barry is “in the house” and is, in fact, tearing down the house. He’s so amazing. It sucks that I’m at this show, and you’re at my burning house.” [laughter] How does that even happen? It’s weird. Anyway, call the fire department.” I’ve got to get back to the show. It’s so amazing. I called a woman out for texting. She says, “I’m not texting, I’m Googling you.” [laughter] Googling me? What are you trying to find out, if maybe I’m doing a show in town or something? “Oh, wow, this guy does stand up comedy. That’s a coincidence. [laughter] I wonder if he’s funny. Ooh, there’s a clip. [laughs] This guy… You’re funny. I have to catch you live some time. I’ll check your tour dates… Ooh, tonight… Oh that’s really close by.” Audiences can be rough, not just for comedians… My girlfriend’s an actor. This is a true story. She’s doing a play… Front row center at the play, in the middle of the play, a woman pulls out an iPad, starts using it. Middle of the play… Not an iPad Mini… That would have been fine. [laughter] I’m talking about a full-size iPad. Third generation… You know, the heavy one. They sent an usher to talk to this woman… Before he got there, the woman did the right thing… She dimmed the iPad. [laughter] That’s why she thought he was walking over. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I know, it’s a little intense. Tell you what, I’ll meet them halfway. There you go. I can still play my Solitaire… they can still do that thing they’ve been rehearsing for a year and a half.” [laughter] Maybe she got pressured into the iPad. Maybe she was at the Apple Store, talking to the salesman, like, “I don’t know. Do I need this? What can I do with it?” “You can do a lot of stuff.” -“Like what?” -“You can surf the web, you can check your email… -Let’s say, you’re at a play… -[audience laughs] you don’t want to watch it anymore… [laughter] What do you do in that situation, huh? Watch it anyway? My God, that’s bananas. Whip this baby out, make your own fun.” She was like, “I can never do that with my laptop. That would be rude.” [laughter] My girlfriend’s cool. Falls asleep mid-conversation with me. She’ll fall asleep for two seconds, then want to tell me about a crazy dream she had… [laughter] We’ll be having a mundane conversation, -“Hey, want to get Thai food later?” -“Yeah that sounds…” “Oh, my God.” -[laughter] -[Todd exhales] -“What’s wrong?” -“I had the craziest dream.” -“When? Last night?” -“No,  just now.” [laughter] -“While you were blinking?” -“That wasn’t blinking.” “That was full on Stage Four REM sleep.” [laughter] “What happened in the dream?” “I’ll tell you what happened, you and I slowly crawled through all 50 states.” [laughter] “All 50 of them? Slowly? Wow. I think that was probably a quick crawl.” She was like, “Nope that was… Oh, my God, I just had another crazy dream.” -“What happened in this one?” -“You and I counted all the grapes.” [laughter] -“In our refrigerator?” -“No, all the grapes.” [laughter] “We counted all the world’s grapes?” My girlfriend got me to watch an entire season of Project Runway. [soft cheering] She goes, “We’re going to watch a whole season.” I was like, “Alright, I guess.” Two episodes in, I’m like, “Seriously? A yellow belt and yellow shoes? [laughter] What are you thinking, Aaron? Do you want to win this?” [laughter] You’re a  good crowd. I might do an extra 10 seconds for you guys. [laughter] I said that recently onstage, “I might do an extra 10 seconds…” A guy in the audience said what I thought was, “Make it funny.” [laughter] So, I started insulting the guy. He’s like, “Why are you doing that?” “Because I said I’d do an extra 10 seconds. -You said, ‘Make it funny.’ ” -He goes, “I said, ‘Make it 20.’ ” [laughter] I had to apologize for the first time in my life… [laughter] on or off stage. [laughter] I did an interview recently for Canadian Public Radio. In the interview, I referred to myself as the hottest comic on the planet. [laughter] And I kind of laughed when I said it. The guy laughed… A few hours later, I went on the internet, a woman had posted that quote. Next to it, she wrote, “This is why I avoid male comedians from the US and Canada.” [laughter] Because you don’t understand jokes? [laughter] Seems like a really solid reason… to avoid all comedians. Not sure why you’re so specific. “Because of this quote, I’ll be avoiding comedians of one gender from only two countries in the entire world. And as I continue to hear more jokes and not get them… I will be adding more countries.” [laughter] And ladies, watch yourselves. I am not the hottest comic on the planet. It’s not going to happen. Not motivated enough. You got to be motivated to get really big. I’m not motivated. I don’t even like motivated people, they bum me out. [laughter] I heard a guy talking once, he’s like, “I like to make goals.” I was like, “Alright, calm down. [laughter] Let’s make that your next goal.” [laughter] To bring it on down.” He’s like, “You know once I achieve a goal, I immediately make another goal.” Oh, I like the sound of that. Sounds like the  perfect way to never enjoy your life. “It’s just one goal after the other, no space between them. That way, I walk around disappointed 24/7… by choice.” I make goals too. When I achieve a goal, I buy a two pound bag of Doritos. And I savor them as I think about my latest accomplishment. [vocalizing] Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmh. “Sure did a good job loading up that dishwasher. [laughter] But, I can’t rest on that. I’ve got to make another goal. Paper towels running low. Two weeks from today…” Just moved into a new apartment, hired a professional home organizer. She was tough. She wanted me to throw stuff out. I was like, “Nice try. That’s not organizing. [laughter] That is throwing stuff out.” Huge difference between organizing and throwing stuff out. I would never pay someone $400 to help me throw stuff out. I know what a garbage can looks like. I will pay someone $400 to help me organize the stuff… I should probably throw out. I saw a home organizer on TV make this suggestion: she said, “Take all the clothes in your closet, line them up in the same direction. When you take something out to use it, put it back in the opposite direction. And at the end of a year, only keep what’s in the opposite direction.” Anyone who can follow through on that system… [laughter] is already the world’s most organized person. [laughter] There’s now a guy who’s knee-deep in hamster skeletons. [laughter] He’s like, “Allow me to show you what I did with my closets.” [laughter] Some of my “never been washed ever” clothes are in one direction. Others are in the opposite direction. Those are the only items I’m keeping. Everything else has got to go… really soon… in a year.” There’s a best-selling book about home organizing, I think it’s called, The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up, something like that, written by a Japanese woman. Her main philosophy is to take everything you own, you look at it one by one and go, “Does this bring me joy?” And if the answer is no, you get rid of it. Based on that, I’ll be burning my apartment to the ground… [laughter] with me in it. [laughter] “Does this bring me joy?” You can’t ask that question when you’re a hoarder. “Does this bring me joy? It’s a copy of AOL for Dummies. [laughter] Back on the shelf… [laughter] next to EarthLink for Dummies. Keeping them organized.” Anyone have roommates? You have roommates, sir? Sir. This is gonna be a problem. It’s a huge mistake I’m making right now. You have roommates? [scattered laughter] Never mind. -[laughter] -[Todd giggles] [laughter continues] No time to figure out what’s going on there. [laughter] I live alone, of course. Too old, too famous to have roommates. Not sure where the joke was there. [laughter] I never liked roommates. Even when I was younger I didn’t like them. I know people who loved having roommates. They described these living situations that sounded horrible to me, but they’d be smiling. Like, “It’s pretty great.There’s six of us in a one bedroom apartment. Bands come through town on tour, so we invite them to stay with us.” Eww. [laughter] “Why are you doing that?” Because they travel for work? Lots of people travel for work. How come you’re not, “Sometimes there’s an insurance convention in town, so we invite a pack of Liberty Mutual agents to stay…” I’d never let a band stay with me, I don’t care what band it was. If The Beatles were still around and wanted to come over to my place for 10 minutes, I wouldn’t let them. I know what that would be like. “Paul, what are you doing, man? Don’t go through my shit.” What, Ringo? No, you can’t have my WiFi password. [laughter] Dip into your 4G, motherfucker. [laughter] You’re in The Beatles.” You guys are all over that 4G line. Huh? [laughter] “Beatles, I don’t know who they are, but 4G, ooh… Something current… we can sink our teeth into.” I was walking around in New York City, I walked past one of our many vocal drug dealers. [laughter] He was doing the usual pitch. He’s like, “Weed, cocaine, weed, cocaine.” I kept walking, he was like, “Hey, don’t be bashful, now.” [laughter] “Yeah, that’s what you’re picking up on. Shyness. It stops me from doing everything I really want to do. It stopped me from asking a girl to prom in high school, now, it’s stopping me from buying cocaine from a guy leaning against a falafel truck. [laughter] I’m bashful. You have heroine too? I’m introverted. [laughter] Crystal meth? Hey, not for this timid fella.” [laughter] I love the idea of a bashful guy buying drugs on the street… inching his way up to the drug dealer, [laughter] [high-pitched voice] “Excuse me… [laughter] are you the… criminal who sells the drugs? I want to buy some drugs, but… I’m embarrassed. I have a really ugly wallet. [laughter] I got it on Overstock.com. It’s got little soccer balls on it. I don’t even like soccer. It cost me $0.75. And I want drugs… [laughter] and I’m bashful.” You’re loving that joke, huh, sir? This guy was like…Aah! A little fool… Aah! I’m fucking with you, sir. [laughter] Dollar pizza places opening up everywhere. Oh, yeah. [hoots from audience] I feel guilty going to the dollar pizza place. Too cheap. If I’m at the dollar pizza place and I see a guy ask for a napkin, I’m like, “Oh, no you don’t. [laughter] Dick move. [laughter] Says “pizza for a dollar,” not “pizza plus free napkin.” This guy will be out of business in two minutes. Reach into your pocket, hand him another nickel. Stay away from that garlic powder… [laughter] or I’ll kill you.” [laughter] I had a fun experience at the dollar pizza place recently, I ordered my slice, the guy put it on the counter, I quickly handed him a dollar, but I dropped the dollar… right onto the slice. [laughter] So now I’m looking down at a dollar slice… with one topping. [laughter] An actual dollar. It looked like the perfect cover for New York Magazine’s Cheap Eats issue. [laughter] [scattered applause] It left me with a real dilemma, because I’m a germaphobe. But I’m more afraid of paying two dollars for a one dollar slice of pizza. [laughter] So, I did the classy thing. I stared the guy down… until he gave me a new slice. [laughter] Then I walked away, pretending I didn’t know he would pass off the filthy slice to someone else. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s what you’ve got to do when your profit margin is .0001% Can’t be like, “We’ll just throw this one out. No, someone’s going to get it. And it ain’t gonna be me. Unless the guy ahead of me also dropped a dollar on his slice. [laughter] In that highly unlikely scenario, the whole thing would blow up in my face. [laughter] What comes after the pizza jokes? I forgot. Oh yeah, I remember. [laughter] [woman cackles] Don’t worry, That’ll be cut out. [laughter] Everyone at home will be like, “How did he know what to do after the pizza joke? [laughter] I feel like that would be a roadblock.” Thinking about that pizza. It fucking seamlessly went right into the next… Oh my God. Wow! I am a germaphobe. People disgust me all the time. I was on a flight recently, this guy was trying to figure out how to get his bag in the overhead, but he had his phone in one hand. He was very confused. He was going, “What do I do here? [laughter] A two-handed job. [laughter] But, I’ve got the phone in one hand. [laughter] I know what I can do…” Shoved it in his mouth. [laughter] Option one: Shove it in your mouth. [laughter] Maybe he was looking down the aisle, saw all those people waiting to board, and was like, “I want this flight leaving on time and my pocket’s all the way down there. [laughter] Look who we got right here, ready to work. [laughter] There’s still a lot of room in there. I could have totally packed my hiking boots.” I saw a bunch of boy scouts at the airport, like, a hundred boy scouts… You can go 30 years without seeing one boy scout. Then there’s 100 of them at the airport. “Wow, I thought y’all were out of business. Where are you off to? Getting on a plane to go camping? That’s weird.” [laughter] I was a boy scout for three weeks, never made it to the booking a flight phase of that experience. [laughter] I really was a boy scout for three weeks, and they did uniform inspection. They’re like, “You’re not wearing regulation socks.” I said, “I’m sorry about that. Also, I quit. [laughter] That’s all I need to know about this organization. A 50 year old dude just walked up to an 11 year old… and insulted his socks. It’s creepy, I’m out here, I’m an artist.” [laughter] You’ll see, Scout Master. Forty years from now, I’ll be doing a comedy special… I don’t know what network. [laughter] Yes, I did sign the contract already. And still don’t know the answer to that question. [laughter] No one’s told me that. I know, it’s kind of strange.” [laughter] Took a vacation, went to Guatemala… Saw some stuff  I’ve never seen before, saw a volcano for the first time. That was beautiful. What else did I see? Oh, guys riding mopeds down rocky roads, steering with just one hand… because they’re holding a baby with the other. [laughter] I saw that so many times, it stopped bothering me. [laughter] First time you see it, it’s like, “My God, look at that lunatic, he’s holding a baby riding a moped.” Second time, you’re like, “Oh, my God, what a crazy coincidence, for only the second time in my entire life… and just two seconds after the other time, [laughter] I’m seeing a guy riding a moped holding a baby.” Third time you see it, it’s like, “So many cute babies here in Guatemala.” [laughter] And then, yes, you rent a moped. You know where you take it, the adoption agency. Adopt yourself a little cutie pie, go for a spin. [laughter] “Oh, yeah. I get it now. Whoa! It’s about living on the edge. It’s about making a baby live on the edge… while I remain relatively safe. I love my little thrill-seeker. His twin brother’s pretty cute also. I’m holding two babies. [laughter] The whole time, I’ve been holding two babies.” The only people who knew that were the forensics experts in the crowd. They’re like, “I actually knew that by the curve of the arm. There’s no way that would be one baby. I study this kind of shit. I know. But, I mean, most people don’t know it.” Good coffee in Guatemala. Mmm. I took a two and a half hour tour of a coffee farm when I was there. Oh my God, it’s so complicated growing coffee. So much has to happen between planting it to when it’s sitting next to someone while they’re writing a terrible screenplay, [laughter] dreadful short story… or I’m sitting there writing some amazing, flawless comedy. [laughter] I was in Portland, Oregon looking for a coffee shop. Went on Yelp. I found a review of a place, where they said, “The baristas here are presumptuous.” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.” Presumptuous… “May I get you something to drink?” “Whoa! [laughter] Easy, Tiger. Damn, what did I do to deserve that, huh? You blindsided me. A guy walks into a coffee shop, gets in the coffee line… ‘May I get you something to drink?’ I was warned about you. [laughter] So presumptuous. And the little waxed mustache, a little pretentious.” Yeah, that was the word he meant to use. I saw a guy walk into a coffee shop, holding a cup of coffee… from a different coffee shop. I could not imagine being that ballsy. [laughter] Just walking in there going, “Yeah.” “Well, well, well… What do we have here? It looks like someone else is in the coffee business too. Huh? [laughter] Just like these nice folks across the street. Tell you what, they probably have the best coffee, but good news, you have better tables and chairs. [laughter] So, I’m going to sit down with their superior coffee and use your free WiFi for four hours. You want to serve me a drink? I’d love a glass of water. Then, I’m going to use your bathroom ten times. What’s in it for you? The big payoff at the end, when I ask you to watch my stuff while I go across for a refill.” Someone told me at good coffee shops they don’t like you to add anything to the coffee, they find it insulting. I asked a barista about this. He’s like, “Yeah it’d be like adding sugar to red wine.” “Would it be like adding sugar to coffee? [laughter] Or do we have to use your ridiculous example? [laughter] “It would be like playing racquetball with a ferret.” [laughter] “My, oh my, that’s stupid. Fill it to the top.” This guy really said this to me. “It’d be like adding sugar to red wine, except that no one’s ever thought of doing that. What I asked you about, ten million people do every hour. Also, there’s a bowl of sugar right here. Yes, my finger is in it. Look, I’m swishing it around. I didn’t come here with sugar, how did it get here? Oh, you put it out? Am I supposed to make banana bread or something? Oh, It’s for the coffee. Ooh, I’m confused.” A guy approached me after a show once. He was like, “Todd you’re not going to want to hear this, but… there was someone in history who did put sugar in their red wine. I was like, “Alright, who’s that?” He goes, “Hitler.” “Okay. I’m going to keep doing the joke. [laughter] I’m going to take my chances that you’re one of very few people who would call me out and correct me… with that obscure trivia about Hitler. And I’ve got to ask, how many biographies of Hitler did you read… before that was brought up? ‘Oh, there’s this one other thing about Hitler… [laughter] You don’t want to bring him to a wine bar.'” [laughter] So few comedians can combine three hours of coffee jokes into a Hitler joke. [laughter] [exhales] [softly] That was good. [laughter] Did you have dinner tonight, sir? What did you have? -Buffalo wings -Buffalo wings. Oh, my God. Solid. [laughter] At a sports bar? At a sports bar. Holy shit. [laughter] I’m acting like that was an amazing guess… when it’s the only place that serves buffalo wings. Which sauce? -Just regular. -Regular. Oh my God. I didn’t realize my fans were pussies. [laughter and applause] [man cackles] I don’t think I’ve ever used that word that way. [laughter] I almost didn’t, but you were so fucking delighted by it. [laughter] I don’t eat right. Some people eat worse than I do. I saw a guy eating lunch by himself. He had a burger, fries, milkshake and a beer. Burger and fries looked delicious. Milkshake and a beer was a little confusing… even if you don’t care about your health. The guy’s like, “Yeah, burger, fries… Milkshake. Yeah, I’ll have a beer also. [laughter] Yeah, both… No, no… [laughter] Trust me, I have a good feeling about this.” [laughter] He’s like, “Alright, milkshake… Mmm. Strawberry, my favorite. Mmm. Suddenly the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. [laughter] At least I found the quick and easy way to take in 45000 calories.” [laughter] I’m a picky eater. Any picky eaters here tonight? [audience hoots] A woman raised her hand. You’ve got to reward politeness. [laughter] You’re picky? What won’t you eat? Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds. That’s your opening… [laughter] That’s her opening. You know about sesame seeds? They’re completely flavorless and innocuous… [laughter] Number one food pet peeve. [laughter] Sesame seeds… [laughter] I’ve got to hear the next one. [laughter] -Curry. -Curry. [laughter] Okay. Alright, one more. [laughter] -Um… Peppercorns. -Peppercorns? [laughter] Why do you hate Asian people so much? [laughter] There’s no room for that in my audience. [laughter] How cool would that be if I had her thrown out? [laughter] [mumbles] It’s because of the sesame seeds. I’m a picky eater. I have three categories of food: Foods I like… foods I don’t like, but I understand why people like them, then there are foods that baffle me. Food I like, let’s pick an easy one. Pizza. Yum, delicious. No need for further discussion. Second category, sushi. Don’t like it. I totally get why people like it, though. What a beautiful, beautiful, awful-tasting food that is. [laughter] I remember the one time I tried it 17 years ago at the Cincinnati Airport. [laughter] I did not enjoy it. No second chances for sushi. [laughter] You blew it, sushi. I gave you every opportunity to be good with that quarter of a bite that I took and spit out immediately. Third category: foods that baffle me. Egg salad. If I’m at a diner and I see someone order egg salad, all I can think is, “So you read all 75 pages of that menu? [laughter] And that’s the item that popped?” [laughter] “Oh, honey, look what I found. [laughter] A little diamond in the rough. [laughter] Top of page 59. Flip ahead. [laughter] Cold, smelly eggs. I’m sorry, cold, smelly, disgusting eggs. [laughter] I got so excited, I read that wrong. [laughter] Smashed together with cold, awful mayonnaise, also made with cold, smelly eggs. Served on… Mm, mm, mm, mm, mmh… white bread. [laughter] Baby, this is why we go to restaurants.” I told that joke once, and when I said the part about getting sushi at the Cincinnati Airport, two women up front started talking to each other. I was like, “What’s going on?” She was like… “Why would you get sushi at the Cincinnati Airport?” Ooh, good eye. [laughter] I better rewrite that one. Huh? [laughter] Mmmm… I’ll say Tokyo from now on. [laughter] You know, to make it a better joke. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] Mm, mm, mm. Wow. Couples here? You guys a couple? Yeah? Ever get massages together? No? Why not? [woman] He’s not big on massages. He’s not big on massages? Okay. Well, definitely don’t compromise and do some. [laughter] You think she wanted to eat fucking buffalo wings tonight? [laughter] [applause] [softly] Wow. [sighs] There’s not a lot of feminists left in this world. [laughter] [softly] Just me. I had a girlfriend a while back. We got foot massages at a Chinese Foot Spa. I thought that would be romantic. We walked in there, tranquil music was playing, She sat in a chair, I sat in a chair next to her. A woman walked over, started gently massaging my girlfriend’s feet. A guy walked over, started punching my feet… [laughter] really hard… for a while. Until, at some point, I had to go “Hey, buddy… I might need you to stop.” Not something I was anticipating saying when I thought about getting a foot massage. “I’m going to get a foot massage, better get a safe word ready.” [laughter] So I thought the massage was over for me, but then the woman looks at the guy, looks back at me, and she’s like… “He and I can switch, if you like.” “Oh, I do like. I like the way you work. You have a light touch, and you’re a problem-solver. Get over here, feather fingers. Sir, beat the shit out of my girlfriend’s feet.” [laughter] You’ve got to splurge in life. I bought a $14 bar of soap once. Saw this in the store, just stopped in my tracks. Heard a voice from above. [in a deep voice] “Todd, it’s time.” [laughter] “Time for what?” “Time to go to the next level.” “Next level in what?” “In how much you spend on soap.” “Oh, I didn’t expect that to be the next level.” “It is, Todd. What do you think successful people spend on soap? I’ll tell you, $14 a bar. Buy it, Todd, it will get you singing in the shower.” So I bought it. Totally got me singing in the shower. Got me singing things like, ♪ Ooh what was I thinking ♪ ♪ I should have bought Dove ♪ ♪ Let me rephrase that The CVS house brand of Dove ♪ ♪ It would be The identical soap experience ♪ ♪ I’m having now ♪ ♪ The only big difference is I’d have 23 more bars waiting for me ♪ [laughter] ♪ What a colossal waste of money ♪ I told that joke at a club once. When I said Dove soap, a table in the back cheered. [laughter] I was like,”You don’t work for Dove soap do you?” She was like, “Yes, we do.” [laughter] Long story short, made them send me a case of soap. [laughter] And I’m not lying, they sent me a big old box of soap. I would call it an uncomfortable amount of soap. [laughter] I like getting free stuff, but I’d like to explore other soap options… [laughter] before my 700th birthday. [laughter] But you do get free shit when your a celebrity, and…. I’ll ask for it, too. [laughter] If I meet someone, they tell me what business they’re in, I want their product, I just go… “Give it to me.” [laughter] It works sometimes. I’m going to hook myself up with some stuff right now. Sir, what do you do? Unemployed. All right. [laughter] Pretty good seat for an unemployed person. [laughter] I told them specifically, people with jobs only. [laughter] What kind of job do you want? I want to be a stand up– You want to be a stand up comedian? Oh my God. So, I’m giving you a gift tonight. [laughter] Alright, well… Do you, do you do stand up now? [man] Yes, I go to open mics. You go to open mics. Alright, that’s the way you do it. Alright… You’re bumming out this whole crowd. [laughter] Just for the future, comedians don’t sit up front. [laughter] [inaudible] Regular people… Comedians. I didn’t hook myself up with anything. Sir, what about you? [man] I work for a record label. You work for a record label? Oh my God. [laughter] Get me a free Spotify account. [laughter] [mumbling] Aw…that wasn’t… I think that’s the most hurtful thing I’ve ever said to anyone. [laughter] Why did you say Spotify? What label do you work for? Sacred Bones. Sacred Bones? Oh my God. Heavy Metal label? No. Folk? [laughter] There’s some folk on the label? No there isn’t. [man] Dark Folk. Dark Folk. Holy shit. [laughter] Super slick answer, man. Who’s your biggest act? David Lynch. David Lynch? My favorite singer. [laughter] Actually, him and Martin Scorsese are my… two favorite recording artists. This guy doesn’t know what a record label is. He works for a film distribution company, and he’s like… “Is this a record label?” “Have we ever talked about records here?” [laughter] I forgot why I started. Anyway, free records, thank you. [laughter] Let’s do another CVS joke. “Oh, shit, Todd.” -“Seriously?” -Yeah. I live near a big CVS. Walked in their recently. Perfectly timed. Just as a guy was asking if they sold sausages. [laughter] -I was two feet into the store here. -Do you sell sausages? I was like,”Ooh… This might be an unexpectedly delightful trip… to CVS. Let’s see how this plays out.” -“No sir, we don’t sell sausages.” -“You don’t?” Ooh, he’s surprised… [laughter] that CVS does not sell sausages. I guess when he walked in and saw ten types of bed pans for sale… it’s like, “This is the place to get kielbasa.” [laughter] When he’s there refilling his son’s lice-killing shampoo prescription… it’s like, “It’d be crazy to leave here without some chorizo.” [laughter] I memorized two sausages for that joke. [laughter] Shoes are untied. Fuck, what do you do? Are you gonna–? Yeah, I actually do. [applause] Double knot? No, that’s good, man. [laughter] You redeemed yourself. [laughter] The last person I would have thought would have done it. [laughter] I asked you a simple question about an hour ago. [laughter] An hour later, you’re tying my shoes for me. [laughter] Oh, my God. That’s better than a free David Lynch album. [laughter] I saw a doctor on TV talking about how to work exercise into your daily life without going to the gym. He had an interesting suggestion. He’s like, “We all make three phone calls a day, right? They last 10 minutes each. Just walk around while you’re making these phone calls. That’s 30 minutes exercise every day.” I said, “I haven’t made three phone calls in the past year and a half. [laughter] They don’t last ten minutes each. But I don’t want to go to the gym, so I will give this a whirl.” Start calling people up. Taking a little walk. “Hello, Hunan Palace? [laughter] I was wondering what kind of food you specialize in. Oh, it is Chinese food? Okay. No need to yell. What time are you open until? Is it fun being open until 10 o’clock? If you couldn’t be open until 10, when you be open until? No, this is not a prank call. I’m working out. And I’ve got to say, not really feeling a burn yet. I need you to hang tight for another eight and a half minutes. I have more questions. So, you’re stranded on a desert island… You can only bring one Sheryl Crow album. [laughter] You’re damn right, Greatest Hits.” [laughter] I never dropped my phone in the toilet. That’s a good thing. If someone tells me they dropped their phone in the toilet, their next sentence has to be, “So, of course I left it in the toilet… [laughter] because it wouldn’t even occur to me to reach into a toilet… to avoid buying a new phone.” Some people say, “But I put it in a bowl of dry rice after.” Oh, the way a surgeon preps his scalpels. [laughter] I think I saw a show about that on the Discovery Channel. It’s called Uncooked Rice: Nature’s Disinfectant. I asked this woman if she ever dropped her phone in a toilet. She goes, “I did, but there was no pee in there.” Really? Never? [laughter] That is the luckiest series of events ever. They’re installing a new toilet… you’re first in line. Mayor cuts the ribbon… The glare from the scissors blinds you. You slip, you fall, you drop that phone. Where does it end up? Aah, the crystal clear waters… [laughter] of an innocent virgin toilet. This friend of mine still uses a BlackBerry. I said, “Have you thought of getting an iPhone? He goes, “I want to get one, but I’m afraid of getting robbed. I don’t want to get robbed.” Like he’s going to buy one, and then that day, an emergency meeting of iPhone thieves will be called. Leader’s up there, “All right fellas, I got some great news for you… I know we’ve stolen lots of iPhones in the past few years, but never have I been able to say… tonight we are stealing Reggie Baumstein’s iPhone.” [laughter] “Come on Boss, don’t tease us. Reggie Baumstein uses a BlackBerry. [laughter] We’ve been on that guy’s trail for years.” “I know we have, fellas, but I got the fax this morning. Reggie made the switch.” Like downloading apps. That’s fun. Right? Hell, yeah. Sometimes I try to think up apps, to see if they even exist. Like, I wanted a big clock app for my phone, so I could put it on the stool sometimes, and look at it to make sure I didn’t do one second more than I was supposed to. So, I put in the search bar, I put in “Big Clock”. What came up? An app called “Huge Clock”. [laughter] [applause] Even people who have seen Big Ben are like, “Oh my God.” “It pales in comparison.” It’s a good gig for me. I’m making a ton of money. [laughter] All the bar money, too. It all goes to me. The whole thing. If you had drinks tonight, I get all that money. No, I’m not Jimmy Buffett. Someone told me Jimmy Buffett is so powerful in the music industry, he actually gets part of the bar money when he plays an arena. I guess you can do that when you’re Jimmy Buffett, though. You know? Just go into the promoters office before the tour, and like, “You know, there’s a song I’ve been doing for 45 years… it’s called “Margaritaville.” Really gets people drinking. I don’t think I’m doing it this tour.” “Well, I wish you would.” “Alright. Half the bar money.” [laughter] People do ask me how much money I make, though. Happens all the time. I get it. It’s a weird job. They’re curious. But I can always tell when they’re going to ask. They’ll be like, “Todd, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a comedian.” “Oh! [laughter] Good money in that? Probably shouldn’t ask, but do you make an okay living doing that?” “It’s totally wrong for me to ask, but I won’t stop myself.” “What kind of money do you make doing that?” So, I have to think of a lie, and it can’t be in either extreme. I can’t say I make 10 dollars a year, they won’t believe me. I can’t say I make 100 million a year, they won’t believe me. I have to figure out what their estimate is, then add just enough… to drive them crazy. [laughter] I thought of the perfect amount. I say I make about $940,000 a year. [laughter] “No. Seriously? [laughter] There is no way… Are you fucking with me? [laughter] Honey, you think this guy makes $940,000 a year? I mean… if he was lying, he would have said a million, right? [laughter] This guy makes 940 K. Good on him.” Here’s the twist in that joke, that is what I make. [laughter] Joke had a twist in it, people. It’s like, The Crying Game of jokes. [laughter] That’s my only point of reference for a twist. A movie that 11 people saw 28 years ago. [laughter] Got a great voice. Huh? I’m talking about myself. A woman told me once that my voice is like butter. She goes, “Your voice is like butter.” I played it cool, I didn’t say anything stupid to her. I didn’t say,”Well, your voice is like grilled corn on the cob. [laughter] Some people like it with butter.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like a stack of pancakes hot off the griddle. You know, before anyone’s put any butter on them.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like dry toast. Ooh, why is it dry?” I think you know the answer. No butter.” What I did say was, “Ooh, butter’s not really the best thing for you.” I didn’t even say that. I said, “Really? You like my voice? [squeaky voice] Oh, my God, you want to hang out? What are you doing? Where are you going? I don’t understand. Why are you walking away? Don’t you want to hear more of this butter?” Don’t worry about that one. [laughter] Easy cut. [laughter] That was a little treat for you guys. “Seriously, Todd? As a treat you gave us a not-that-great joke?” It’s a  hit or miss joke, it’s not a bad one. This guy’s like, “Man, I wish I could take notes.” [laughter] A little jet lag, caught one of those noon red eye flights. [laughter] I call all flights “the red eye”, makes me feel like a real businessman. People love telling you they took the red-eye. “The Red eye’s great. Get on the plane at 1:00 AM. Sit upright for six hours. [laughter] Land in New York at that sweet, sweet time, 4:55 in the morning. [laughter] At work by 8:00, passed out in a conference room by 8:15. [laughter] Looking for new job at 8:30. [laughter] Simply impossible without the red eye. [laughter] I stay in a lot of hotels. Things go wrong in hotels. When things go wrong in hotels and you complain… their favorite way to fix things is to offer you a free breakfast… no matter what the complaint was. “So, Mr. Barry, you opened the door to your room you found a family of eight already in there?” “Yes, that’s true.” “I’ve got some good news for you. Sure, there’s nine of you, but only one of you is getting a free breakfast.” [laughter] You’re going to love looking at those eight sets of jealous eyes… as you’re sitting on the bathroom floor in your room eating microwaved eggs. “So, Mr. Barry, you found six dead dogs in your bed?” “Yes, that’s true.” “Well that must have made you hungry.” [laughter] Why don’t come on down to the front desk, my friend… I’ll give you a coupon good for a free breakfast… conveniently served between four and six a.m. [laughter] You’re a trucker. Right? “I am hauling a big load of amazing jokes from town to town.” [laughter] Went to Chicago. They have a really nice Walgreens in Chicago. They do. They converted an old bank into a Walgreens. It’s beautiful. The vault is the Vitamin section. I walked in there, I was so impressed I went on Twitter and wrote, “I have to give out my first annual Best Walgreens Award.” the winner is Chicago, Milwaukee Avenue location. Some guy writes back immediately. “The cops killed a guy there a year ago.” [laughter] Okay. What do you want me to do now? [laughter] Take the award back? [laughter] A little late for that, my friends. First annual Todd Barry Best Walgreens award. I’m not going to take it back ’cause a guy was shot there a year ago. Didn’t happen while I was in the store. It’s not like I was walking around the candy aisle, and a guy gets gunned down next to me, I’m like… “This is a nice Walgreens.” [laughter] I wonder if that’s the original tile. Stayed at a hotel in Chicago. A few weeks after I stayed there, I got my credit card bill. There was a charge from the hotel that I didn’t recognize… for 100 dollars even. So, I called up the hotel. I go, “What’s going on with this charge?” She’s like, “It looks like something was missing from the room.” “Okay, what’s that?” She goes, “Let me look it up.” “Oh, the bedspread.” [laughter] The bedspread’s missing. “So, you think I stole a hotel bedspread.” [laughter] I don’t steal things from hotels, but if I ever start… I assure you… it will never be the bedspread. I would rip out the carpeting, [laughter] throw it in a backpack, then run through the hallways grabbing stacks of unwashed room service trays… before I stole the most disgusting thing… [laughter] in the entire building. There is no one stealing… a hotel bedspread. Even an actual thief, who needs a bedspread… but can only afford the hotel room, is not standing there going, “Sweetie, we need a bedspread, right? Can we afford one? I think they cost $100 even. [laughter] I got an idea. Open up the suitcase, baby. Is there room for a king size bedspread in there? [laughter] There is? That’s weird. [laughter] Grab this thing… take it home get it sanitized for 200 bucks. [laughter] And the fact that it’s horribly ugly is just a bonus.” [laughter] I’m going to do one more thing. Alright? Here we go. I found this article in Esquire magazine. It’s a men’s magazine with articles like how to get a good gin and tonic at the Houston Airport. [laughter] Anyway… it’s an article written by woman called “How to feel good to a woman.” It’s advice for men on how to make women feel good. I’m now going to read this article. [laughter] And I’m going to insert comments. “Wait Todd, you’re not just going to read? I think that is very artistic.” No, I’m taking it to the next level. This is a real article… called “How to feel good to a woman.” Here we go. “If I’m taking a shower at your place, stack fresh towels, thick and white and fluffy, more than I’ll need.” [laughter] She needs more towels than she needs. [laughter] “I stayed over at Bob’s place yesterday. It was terrible.” -“What happened?” – “I took a shower.” “Oh my God, he didn’t have any towels?” “No, he only had one towel for the one shower I took.” [laughter] “Wait, he only had the perfect amount of towels?” Yes, he had towels in direct proportion to how many towels I needed.” [laughter] Sounds like an asshole. [laughter] “I’ll need a toothbrush, conditioner…” No toothpaste. [laughter] I’ve used conditioner for many different things, but… never as toothpaste. “You know that awesome serendipity when you descend into a friend’s basement to watch the game and he’s got the scene set: hot wings, cold beer within arm’s reach, a video console setup for halftime…?” I don’t know what any of that means. First of all, I don’t know anyone who has a basement. That’s weird. A basement. Who the fuck has a basement? And if I did, and I went to their house for the game, I wouldn’t be like “Hey those wings you paid for… they’re not within arm’s reach. [laughter] Not very serendipitous of you.” [laughter] Anyway, she says that, because “that’s how I want to feel in your bathroom.” [laughter] “Body scrub, new razor. Holy shit, a loofah.” That’d be more like, “Body scrub, new razor. Loofah. Holy shit, he’s gay.” [laughter] “Kiss me for longer than you can handle…” [laughter] Fair enough on that one, I guess. “even when you know that more is on the way.” Hey. [laughter] I never assume more is on the way. [laughter] “Open mouth and bench the tongue.” Yes, she’s suggesting open-mouth tongueless kisses. [laughter] Sounds fun, right? [vocalizing] [vocalizing continues] [intoning] “Why are we kissing like this?” “I read it in a magazine.” “I got a tongue. It’s on the bench. It’s benched. [muffled] I bench my tongue. This is a good way to kiss. All those years I haven’t been kissing like this.” “Urgent but not desperate.” Anyone who is urgent and not desperate, not reading this. [laughter] “Your arms are tight around my back and my waist, and they stay there… [laughter] forever.” Long after we’ve broken up. [laughter] Glad your husband is being so cool about this. [laughter] “Don’t shave for three days, and then kiss my neck.” [laughter] “Actually, can you shave next time? You scratched me.” [laughter] “Smell like something all the time. [laughter] Choose a small world and invoke it. Maine… the state, a forest… the wet end of August.” [laughter] I’d try to smell like the wet end of August, if I knew what that meant. [laughter] “It’s warm and damp, and you’re felling trees in a flannel shirt. Moss and sweat and hard won timber. Try Kiehl’s Original Musk Blend Number One, so I can wear it when you’re not around.” Why don’t I get your own bottle, and you never be around. [laughter] “Now kiss my neck again.” So we went all of August without a neck kiss? [laughter] “Hold me like nothing can slither between us…” Hey… It was your idea to fuck at the reptile house. [laughter] “…but so I can detach if I want to. I always give women the option to detach if they want to, since the other option is against the law. [laughter] There is no, like, “No, you can’t detach, even though you told me you wanted to.” “The key is in the grip, encompassing but not fierce, one arm around my waist and the other across my shoulders.” -That’s called a hug. Thank you for that. -[laughter] Everyone’s done that. “Hands are a Goldilocks dilemma.” [laughter] How else would you describe hands? If I had a little nephew, and he was like, “Uncle Todd, what are what are hands?” [laughter] “You remember that dilemma in Goldilocks?” [laughter] “Dilemma, Uncle Todd? I don’t know what hands are.” “They shouldn’t be as soft as mine, but they shouldn’t catch skin either. If they’re oyster-shucking rough, use a drugstore lotion. If they’re too soft, build me a desk from raw wood.” [laughter] “Well Lisa, we’ve been on a couple of nice dates, but… [laughter] not sure we’re to the point where I’m building furniture for you. But I appreciate the wood preference. It’s been noted.” “Don’t pull my hair. Push it.” [laughter] I’m going to pull it. [laughter] I’m going to overrule you on this one. I’m not going to push your hair. While doing open mouth, tongueless kisses… [vocalizing] Aw, yeah. Ooh, an iguana. [laughter] Goodnight. Thank you. [cheering and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

MAZ JOBRANI: IMMIGRANT (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maz-jobrani-immigrant-2017-full-transcript/

[Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” playing] ♪ Swingin’ while I’m singin’ Givin’ what ya gettin’ ♪ ♪ Knowin’ what I know ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Maz Jobrani! ♪ We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ As the rhythm designed to bounce What counts is that the rhymes ♪ ♪ Designed to fill your mind ♪ ♪ Now that you’ve realized The pride’s arrived ♪ ♪ We got to pump the stuff To make us tough ♪ ♪ From the heart, it’s a start A work of art ♪ ♪ To revolutionize, make a change Nothing’s strange… ♪ What’s up, D.C.?! Oh! Oh! Kennedy Center, how you doing? Whoo! Whoo! ♪ Fight the power, fight the power ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ Oh, my God. This is amazing. I don’t think Public Enemy ever thought someone would be dancing Persian… to “Fight the Power.” ♪ Fight the power, ohh ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai Ohh, oh-oh-ohh ♪ ♪ Ohh, lai-lai-lai ♪ Whoo! Oh! I am excited to be here. This is a dream come true. I’ve been wanting to shoot a special in Washington D.C. for the past 20 years, since I started doing standup. I swear to God. And it’s happening here. I’m excited. I’m excited. It’s so cool. And I love D.C. It’s so diverse. When I start my shows, I always want to see who’s in the audience. By applause, where’s my immigrants? Immigrants, by applause. Let me hear you. Yes! My people! My people! Immigrants. Immigrants. Non-immigrants. Let me hear the non-immigrants. You’ve been here several generations. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for coming, white people. Thank you. You made it official. Thank you very much. What’s your name, white man right there? What’s your name? – Ed. – Ed! Thank you, Ed. Thank you. Ed got the license, we showed up. This is so cool. I’m an immigrant, too. I was born in Iran. I grew up in America. Where’s my Iranians? Let me hear the Iranians. Yes. Yes. Ed, I knew they would be here because it’s part of the nuclear deal. They have to show up. Yeah. Thank you for coming, Iranians. Where’s my Arabs? Arabs? Yala, habibi! Yala, yala! By the way, white people, that’s how you get Arabs. If you’re looking for Arabs, go… They volunteer. They have to. I could totally work for the TSA. I would find Arabs all day long. I’d trick them. I’d be like, “Take out your liquids, computer and… Right here. Five. I got five. I got five.” What kind of Arab are you guys right there? You. – Syrian. – Syrian! Thank you, Syria, for coming! Yes! Thank you! Yes! Syrians are welcome here. You’re welcome. We love you. We love you. That’s right. That’s how we roll. Thank you. This is amazing. Any Indians in the house? Indians? Yes! Look at you guys. I love you guys, too. I love you guys so much, I married one of you. Yeah! Yeah! Well, there’s a billion of you, so odds are we’re gonna marry you. It’s either them or Chinese, you know? Any Chinese people in the house? Chinese? Thank you, Chinese lady! You’re gonna have to up your game. There’s a lot more Indians than you now, so you might want to, you know… – What’s your name, Chinese lady? – Stephanie. Stephanie. What a very Chinese name. Stephanie. Such an ethnic name. What other backgrounds? Who else is here tonight? Where? – Pakistan! – Wait, stop. Pakistan, don’t yell like that. Take it easy. This guy. Haven’t you been watching the news? Pakistan. Pakistan! Aah! Okay. – What? – Azerbaijan! – Azerbaijan? And what were you saying? – El Salvador. El Salvador, Azerbaijan. Together for them, right now. Okay. Guys, Netflix is international now, so we’re gonna keep going till we hit every country. Listen, the reason I was asking all this is because I want to make a point. There’s a lot of people that come from around the world that come to America, we’re immigrants, and we love America. We come, we love America. Right? People need to know. There’s a lot of anti-immigrant sentiment right now. People need to know that we love America. We come here for a reason, and we contribute, by the way. We contribute to America in many ways, right? We contribute… with business and intellectually, in many ways. Even culturally, we contribute. I’m about to contribute to the American culture right now. You ready? I’m gonna teach you something. This is an Iranian thing that we do. I want you to take it. Now you can use it. Ed, if you’re ever singing a song, and you get stuck in that song, I’ll teach you how to get out of that song. If you don’t know the lyrics to a song, all you gotta do… ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ Yeah. It’s an Iranian thing. It gets you out of any song, Ed. Any song. Like the song “Fight the Power.” If I didn’t know the lyrics… ♪ Fight the power Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ “Lai-lai-lai” works! It could be any song. Ed, you could be singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to a kid. You get stuck. You go… ♪ Itsy bitsy spider Went up the water spout ♪ ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ That’s it! “Lai-lai-lai” is a great way out of a song. Guys, if I ever sing the national anthem at a baseball game, you’ll know when I’m stuck. I’ll be at the baseball game, at the Washington Nationals. ♪ O say can you see ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ And the home of the brave ♪ Yes! That’s right! That’s how I will sing the national anthem. And then I will be deported. Oh, my God. Speaking of being deported, Trump is president, and… Yeah, I know. I still can’t believe it. Every time I see him talking, I’m just waiting for him to go, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” You’d be like, “Oh, my God, it’s been the longest sketch ever. Wow!” Oh, my God. I gotta tell you, I know some of you might’ve voted for him. I know that some immigrants actually voted for Trump because they wanted fewer taxes, but they ended up with fewer relatives. Yeah. That happens. I’ll be honest. When the whole Muslim ban thing… people were saying Muslim ban… they asked me, “Are you afraid?” I go, “I’m not afraid personally of the Muslim ban.” Because the honest truth is I’m really not that religious. I was born in Iran, but I’m not really religious. I’m not really Muslim. I’m more like Muslim-ish. You know? This is how Muslim I am: I could play a Muslim in a movie. You’d go see it, you’d believe it. You’d go to a movie, you’d see me on the screen. “Allahu Akbar!” “Oh, he’s good. Look at that. Wow.” “He speaks the language. Wow. He’s… He’s fluent in Muslim-ish. Wow.” But the honest truth is I’m not that religious. If I were really Muslim, I would have to fast during Ramadan. I don’t fast during Ramadan. I couldn’t drink alcohol. I drink alcohol. I would have to pray five times a day. I don’t pray. The only time I pray is if I’m almost in an accident. And then I just go, “Oh, Jesus!” Yeah.  Yeah. Yeah. It’s the wrong God! It’s the wrong God! I just say, “Oh, Jesus,” because it’s faster. “Oh, Jesus!” “Oh, Muhammad!” Takes too long. Takes too long. Takes too long. Yeah. If you go, “Oh, Muhammad,” you’re gonna get in the accident, you’ll be in the ambulance, on your way to the hospital… “I should’ve gone with Jesus.” You know what I’m saying? I’m just saying. I’m just saying. So, I wasn’t too worried about the Muslim ban personally, but my cousin Majid… that guy is screwed, okay? He’s a real Muslim. He prays five times a day, fasts during Ramadan. Like, he’s gotta go, you know. No, I didn’t say it, Trump said it. He’s gotta go. I love him, he’s a nice guy, but he’s gotta go. I’m just saying, if the FBI shows up at my house and goes, “Are there any Muslims?” I’d be like, “Yeah. Majid.” I’m not gonna lie to the FBI. Actually, guys, it was kind of sad, because, like I said, I’m Iranian and my wife is Indian, so our kids are all colored up, and… it was very sad. When Trump won, my little six-year-old girl came up to me. She was scared. She goes, “Daddy, am I gonna get deported?” Yeah. And I said, “No, baby, you’re not gonna get deported. You were born here. You’re not gonna be deported. But Cousin Majid’s gotta go. You might want to say goodbye.” You know, as a comedian, it’s been really hard to keep up with Trump, because he says so much crazy shit all the time. It’s been really hard. I swear to God. Listen, I don’t know if you remember… a little while ago, he was doing a press conference, and I actually was watching. I felt sorry for him, he was doing the press conference, for no reason, he decided to volunteer some information. Nobody asked him. He just decided, “By the way, I just want everyone to know that I won this election with the most Electoral College votes since Ronald Reagan.” And the reporter goes, “Sir, actually, Barack Obama had more Electoral College votes than you did.” He goes, “Okay, fine. But I won with the most Electoral College votes for a Republican since Ronald Reagan.” And the reporter goes, “Sir! Actually… George Bush Sr. had more Electoral College votes than you did.” He goes, “Fine, I won with the most Electoral College votes for a Republican in this election. Can we agree to that?” I wish that’s what he would’ve said. What he actually said was, “Well, someone told me.” Who told you? Some guy in the bathroom? What the hell? Was he in the bathroom? “Hey, by the way, you won with the most Electoral College votes since…” “Can I go tell the world? I want to go tell them that.” Guys, I was watching that. I felt sorry for him, because I realized he’s not qualified to be the President of the United States of America. He just is not. He is not. And listen, let me tell you something. Listen. That’s not to poo-poo on him, okay? None of us are qualified… No, this is the Kennedy Center. Two of you are qualified. But most people are not qualified to be the President of the United States. This is the most important job in the world. It’s not the managerial position at Carl’s Jr., okay? And it’s the only job where people go, “You know what? I want an outsider. I want someone who’s never done this to go in there and give it a shot, see what happens.” You don’t hear anyone ever be like, “I want a surgeon who’s an outsider. Someone who’s never operated before. Someone who will take my left eye and put it in my right eye.” That’s who we have as president right now. Just not qualified. I have a feeling when he had his first intelligence briefing, I can imagine him saying something like, “Wow! There’s so many countries!” Couldn’t you imagine that? He’s like, “Wow. Malta’s a country? Really? I thought that was an ice cream. You mean Madagascar is not an animation movie? What?!” The only place he seems to know is Mar-a-Lago. Every week, Mar-a-Lago, Mar-a-Lago. How much time is he gonna go… And he keeps sending Jared Kushner, his son-in-law, to the most dangerous places in the world. I think he’s trying to get rid of his son-in-law. I swear to God. Every week: “You go to Iraq. I’m going to Mar-a-Lago. You go to… Yeah, you don’t need a vest. No bulletproof vest. Go over there. I’m gonna go to Mar-a-Lago.” It’s a mess, and we’ve seen it, and part of it is… Listen, guys, it’s like, uh… we saw it with the travel ban. That was so poorly done. I gotta admit, as an Iranian-American, I was offended by the travel ban, because the fact is, they were trying to sell it to America, saying that it was for America’s safety, to keep terrorists out of the country. And none of the countries on the travel ban had committed an act of terror in America. Right? Yeah, and then they had the balls to introduce Travel Ban 2.0. Like it’s an iPhone update. They just… I was so upset. I was watching TV, and Kellyanne Conway was on TV, and she was trying… No, listen. No, of course. Yeah. Yeah. How do you really feel about her? Listen, I was watching her on TV, and she goes, “It’s just a little bit of an inconvenience at the airports. It’s not a big deal. After September 11th, when there was further scrutiny at the airports, I did not mind being scrutinized, because it was for my own safety.” I wanted to shake her and go, “It’s not just a little inconvenience.” Because I heard the real stories. As an Iranian-American, I was getting the real stories. There was families being torn apart, people that needed medical attention that couldn’t get it, weddings being canceled, all kinds of stuff. And I got so upset, I went down to Los Angeles International, LAX, and I protested. I went down to the protest. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I gotta tell you guys, if you haven’t protested, you should. It’s so much fun. No, find any protest, you just go down and you march. It’s so much… I swear to God. He’s been president… every weekend, I find a protest. It’s great. No, you just go down there, they give you cookies. It’s delicious. And it’s good exercise. I’ve been getting really good exercise. People go, “You been doing Pilates?” I go, “No, I’ve been doing Trump-ates. Just do Trump-ates, Trump-ates, Trump-ates.” Guys, I was excited. I went down to LAX, and I was marching. We were all marching, some guy comes up and goes, “Bro, this is the most amazing thing in the world. This is the most diversity I’ve ever seen in Los Angeles.” And I go, “Bro, that’s because we are at the airport. People are literally flying in from around the world as we speak.” He’s like, “But there’s Asians.” I go, “That’s because AirAsia just landed! You think everybody shows up at a protest with luggage? What the hell?” There was some poor Korean guy. He was just trying to cross the street. This guy: “Excuse me, excuse me. Yeah, excuse me. Yeah, I know. Trump must go, but so must I! I have to… I go to Disneyland, please. Excuse me.” Ed, let me tell you something I learned at the protest. White people born in America protest differently than people of color and other people not born in America. We were down there, all marching together, everything’s going fantastic. We’re marching, moving forward. And then suddenly the riot police came out, and I was like, “Oh, shit. I’m just gonna go protest over here for a minute.” But the white dudes did not care. They’re just, “Out of my way, copper. Here I come. It’s my right. Here I come, copper. Out of my way. It’s my right.” He was just walking. “It’s my Third Amendment, my Ninth Amendment.” He knew the amendments! “It’s my 45th Amendment right.” I was in the back. “There’s 45 amendments?” I swear to God, I saw a white guy with his finger in the face of the riot police guy, just waving his finger, and the riot cop had his hand on his baton, ready to go. He was waving. I’m in the back. I’m like, “Calm down, white guy! You’re gonna get us in trouble!” The Mexican guy: “Now’s a good time to go to the bathroom. Feet don’t fail me now!” Guys, I was so scared at the protest. I’ll tell you how scared I was. I took my passport to the protest. Yeah. Who takes their passport to a protest? Immigrant. I wasn’t gonna get deported. If the cops stop me, “Officer, I’m with you. God bless America. God bless you. Make America great again, Officer. Officer, I’m with you, but my cousin Majid… you can have him if you want.” My God. As you can tell, I’m a Democrat, I’m liberal, but I have Republican friends. I love you no matter what side you’re on, whether you’re Democrat, Republican. If you’re Republican, I love you. Even though you did what you did, I still love you. Election night, I was at a party with a lot of my liberal friends, and when Hillary lost, my liberal friends were devastated. They were crying. They were devastated. And I, too, was devastated, but not just because she lost, but also because I donated $1,000 to her campaign. So, as I was watching her lose on TV, I’m like, “This bitch… just lost me $1,000! You mean I didn’t have to donate $1,000?” Don’t get me wrong. I’m not such a baller that I just donated $1,000 out the gate. No. I donated 250 because I felt that’s what I could afford. That was my civic duty. It was done. But any of you, if you donated to either side, you know how it works. They email you a week later asking you to donate again. So, a week later, I got an email: “Maz, thanks for the 250. But if you give us 250 more, you’ll put us over the top. We’re gonna win this shit.” I’m such an idiot. “Honey, I just got an email from Hillary Clinton. She said 250 more, they’re gonna win it. It’s on our shoulders.” I fell for that shit four times. Who’s the asshole now? I still remember that night. Oh, my God. I was shocked. Everybody was shocked when Hillary lost. Trump was shocked when he won. He didn’t expect to win. Go look at the video of when he comes up on the stage when he wins. Watch how slowly he walks. He can’t believe we voted for him. He’s like, “Are you sure? They voted for me? After all the shit I said, they voted for me? Really? Oh, my God!” I actually don’t think he wanted to win. I don’t. Yeah, I’m telling you. I’m serious. He’s a megalomaniac billionaire businessman who likes to tweet. He didn’t want to win. He was trying to say crazier and crazier stuff, hoping we wouldn’t vote for him, but we voted for him. I knew he wanted to lose when he came out and said that Barack Obama was the founder of ISIS. Remember when he said that? “Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS.” Then the next day, he goes on a conservative radio show, and the announcer tries to help him out. He goes, “Sir, do you mean that Barack Obama’s policies led to the creation of ISIS and therefore where we are right now?” And he goes, “Nope. I mean Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS.” I was watching that. I’m like, “This motherfucker’s trying to lose!” Oh, my God. But people voted for him. Again, some of you might be here. The number-one thing I heard a lot of Trump voters say: “I love him because he says what’s on his mind. He just says what’s on his mind. He just says what’s on his mind!” You go, “What are your thoughts on his policies?” “I don’t know about his policies. He just says what’s on his mind.” I thought that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard till I went to visit… Yeah, seriously. I thought that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard till I went to visit my mother, my own mother. Iranian lady. She had fallen for the line. My own mother. She goes, “Maz, I like this guy because he say what is on his mind.” I go, “Mom, are you crazy? He’s anti-immigrant. If he becomes President, your relatives can’t come to visit you.” She goes, “I don’t like them anyway.” She goes, “Maz, he say what is on his mind so I don’t have to say what is on my mind… which is, ‘Stop visiting me, you cheap bastards! What am I, the Air-b-and-the-b?'” Right? A lot of immigrants like Trump. A lot of immigrants get in this country, and they don’t want any more of them coming. I was in an Uber with an older Armenian guy. This guy loved Trump. Barely spoke English, but he loved Trump. Whole drive, he was trying to tell me what a great politician he is. He kept saying what a great “politic” he is. The whole drive, the Armenian guy: “Donald Trump, number-one politic. Very good politic. Number-one politic. Very good number-one politic. Number-one very good politic.” Finally, I go, “Dude, he’s anti-immigrant. You’re an immigrant!” He goes, “Yes, but I’m here. For me, good politic. For my cousin, not good politic. Very bad.” I go, “You got a cousin Majid, too?” But no matter what you say about Trump, you have to admit he does say what’s on his mind. He does say what’s on his mind. Like when he said, “If you want to pick up women, you gotta grab them by the pussy.” Yeah, I know. I didn’t say it. He said it. I know. I got so upset, I went to my mom. “Mom, did you hear what your guy said? He said if you want to pick up women, you gotta grab them by the pussy.” My mom goes, “Reminds me of your father. May God rest his soul. And his hands. His very busy hands.” Guys, think about it. This is now part of our presidential political history. It’s gonna be in the books. Our kids will have to study it. Our kids are gonna study. John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” And Donald J. Trump said, “Grab them by the pussy!” Yeah! It’s in the books. And then the next day, his supporters: “It was just one pussy. What are you all… The pussy was there, he grabbed it. What are you gonna do with a pussy? You’d grab a pussy, too! Wouldn’t you grab a pussy?” He himself came out and said it was “locker room talk.” Guys, in my 45 years as a man, none of my friends have ever told me that that was the move. I thought maybe that’s why I wasn’t getting laid in high school. I didn’t know that was the move, you were supposed to walk up… “Hey, Gwen, how you doing? What’s going on? What a beautiful day. I got you, Gwen! Don’t move. I got you. Yeah. Yeah. Got you by the pussy. It’s like Capture the Flag. I got you right there. Capture the Flag.” We’re living in crazy times. Because here’s what it is: Trump needs to start taking responsibility for his words, because his words have meaning. They do. They do. They do! He says stuff, and there’s been a rise to racism, there’s been a rise to hate crimes, a lot of anti-immigrant sentiment out there. He needs to take responsibility, because the things he does emboldens racists. There was that guy in Kansas who went out and shot two Indians, and then went and told someone that he shot two Iranians. Got the wrong people, but he still… whatever. It’s crazy. And then the Arabs, forget it. You guys, don’t even… Don’t speak Arabic on an airplane, or you’re not going anywhere. You know what I’m talking about? Even before Trump was president, did you hear about the Iraqi guy who was on a Southwest flight going from LA to San Francisco? He was on the phone, speaking Arabic to his father on the phone. Passengers overheard him, kicked him off the plane. You heard about that, right? You’re nodding. What’s your name? – Isa. – Isa. You heard about that, right? This poor guy was just walking down the aisle, Arabic on the… Just walking down, like… “Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha.” That’s not Arabic, but that’s what it sounds like. He was just going, “Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha.” Isa, does that mean anything… “Halamaha, halamaha”? Am I getting close? How about “Hala, alamahala”? Is that closer? I feel like I’m saying something. “Halamahala!” This poor guy, just going, “Halamaha, halamaha.” I’m not sure if that’s how he was walking, because that’s not very threatening. If he was going, “Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha.” The passengers would be like, “There’s a gay Arab dude… sashaying down the aisle. He’s just going, ‘Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha. Chanel No. 5. Halamaha, halamaha.'” I’m telling all my Arab friends, do not  “halamahala” on a plane. Because “halamahala”  is not flying. You “halamahala,” you’re gonna end up on a bus. Not sure where you’re going. People are afraid of immigrants. And if you watch Fox News or any of those networks, you, too, will be afraid of immigrants. Oh, my God. I tried to watch a half an hour of Fox News. I was afraid of immigrants. Guys, I swear to God, there’s so much death and destruction and Armageddon on the… There’s a lady… Judge Jeanine Pirro… Oh, my God. This lady is always screaming at the TV, like, “The end of the world is coming.” And she’s really upset and angry. “Yeah, here we go…” I tried watching once. She was freaking out. She has this digital American flag behind her. She’s like, “The Mexicans are gonna take our jobs, and the Muslims are gonna kill us, and we’re gonna get eaten by sharks. We’re gonna get eaten by Mexican Muslim sharks! With the Zika virus!” I was like, “Aah!” You need a break. Guys, the way I take a break: I watch sports. That’s how I take a break. My wife watches the Kardashians. That’s her break. I know, it’s just brain-dead stuff. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t pay attention to the… The only time I paid attention to the Kardashians was when Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn Jenner. Right? Remember that? I know some of the Middle Eastern people get uncomfortable when I talk about that stuff. Right now, Ed… “Maz, please talk more about the Trump politics. I don’t want to talk about… Sex change make me very uncomfortable.” Guys, I’m all for it, all right? Anybody that knows with that much conviction that they want to be another sex, good for them. Yeah! I’m serious. That guy knew that he wanted to be a woman, all right? I can’t even decide what to eat for dinner. Ask me, “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know. Sushi, Italian, Chinese, I’m not sure.” This guy? “Woman.” Ask me, “Want to be a woman?” “I don’t know. Let’s have some sushi. We can talk about it.” I’m very liberal when it comes to that kind of stuff. Even when gay marriage became legal all over the country, I was so excited. I sent out a tweet: “Congratulations to my gay friends. You can finally get married.” An Arab dude tweeted me back: “Maz, gay marriage is not accepted in our communities.” I hit him back. I go, “What are you afraid of? They’re gonna start proposing to you, you hairy bastard?” Right? You think you’ll be walking down the street, a gay guy’s just gonna jump out of a bush? ‘Marry me!'” Stop judging, man. Take care of yourself first. Right? Deal with yourself first. Oh! And it’s been positive news for the LGBT community. It’s been positive news for the LGBT community. Yeah. Now, I know right now there’s a group of Persians in the back, they’re confused. I guarantee you someone’s dad does not know what “LGBT community” is. They think it’s a bank. I guarantee you. I swear, right now there’s a guy: “LGBT Community Bank? Maz, I am with HSBC, but I can go LGBT. Is good interest rates?” “LGBT” stands for “lesbian, gay, bi and transgender.” They just got more confused. “He said ‘buy’ and ‘transaction.’ That’s a bank.” He was an Olympic champ, man. I watched the… My mom was watching the last Olympics when Usain Bolt won. Right? Fastest man in the world. Usain Bolt won. My mom called me up. “Maz, did you see? Hossein Bolt just won.” I go, “Mom, it’s Usain.” “No, it’s Hossein. They forgot the ‘H’.” I go, “Mom, it’s Usain. He’s a Jamaican.” “No, he’s one of us. Hossein. He’s Iranian, maybe Arab. But he’s Hossein.” I go, “Mom, he’s black.” “We have black people! Southern part of Iran, we have black people.” She was… She was trying to take credit for Usain Bolt. You know how much it’s got to suck to race against Usain Bolt? Because you know you’re gonna lose every time. Every one of those guys at the Olympics had to train four years of their lives. Eat right, exercise, do everything right, sleep right, fly to the other side of the world. They show up at the starting line, and Usain Bolt shows up. Every one of them was hoping he would have food poisoning from the night before. Every one… “Oh, come on! This is bullshit!” If I trained four years of my life, ran, exercised, slept right, did everything right, flew to the other side of the world, Usain Bolt showed up, I would do something to get noticed. Something. When the hit the gun, I’d go the other way. Think about it. They would have to interview you. Right? They’d have to come up after the race. “Why’d you go the other way?” “In my country, you hear a gun, you go that way. We have war in my country. Let me come to your country, please!” Oh, my God. Where’s the guys that are in their forties? Guys in your forties, where are you, by applause? There you go, right there. What’s your name? – Farid. – Farid, how old are you? – Forty-something. – Forty-something? That’s 49½. Farid, I’m 45. Let me ask you a question. When you watch the Olympics, do you still, in the back of your mind, think if you started training right now… that in four years you could compete in one of the events? Do you still have that fantasy? Farid, I have not given up. I still watch. I go, “I could do some of this shit.” I was watching the diving. I go, “I could do the diving.” If I trained four years of my life, every day, I thought I could do it. Farid, I’m not delusional. I wouldn’t start the first day on the high dive, do a triple axel. You know what I’m saying? The first week, I would just bounce. Just one week… Just one week, I’d bounce. Week two: Cannonball. I’d work my way up. Farid, I got so into it that I actually started doing the research. I go, “There’s gotta be a team that needs a diver.” Not Team USA, because USA always has the best. I thought maybe Iran could use a diver. I actually researched to see what Iran won the medals in last time. They won in taekwondo, wrestling and weightlifting. All individual sports. We can only do individual sports. Yeah. People from that part of the world, Iranians, Arabs, Armenians, Indians, we can only do individual. We can’t do team sports. No, because we don’t get along with each other. We’ll never win the World Cup because we argue with each other. You know what I’m saying? Guys, I’ve played soccer my whole life. Anytime I’ve played on a team with Iranians, we start the game with 11 players, end it with three. And it’s not because the referee gives us red cards. No, we argue and walk off. Every game, there’s a guy: “Pass the ball! Pass the ball! You don’t pass, I’m leaving! You don’t pass the ball, I’m gonna go. You gotta pass the ball!” Every game. And then one hour later, we’re all at a Persian restaurant. It’s a love-fest. One hour later, same guy: “I’m so sorry. Listen, buddy, I love you. I love you. I got crazy. I get crazy. You didn’t pass. I was open. You didn’t pass. I was open. I was open. Open. You didn’t pass the ball! I love you. Next time, pass the ball. For now, pass the kebab. Pass the kebab for now. Next…” Guys, I got so into this that I actually started watching to see… watched the competition a little bit. I was watching the diving team, and the announcer comes on. He goes, “Diving next for China, Ming Ling Li just turned ten.” I was like, “Shit! I’m old enough to be her great-grandfather.” Maybe I can babysit at the next Olympics. Athletes remind you you’re getting older. Athletes and kids. Who’s got young kids here? Anybody? There you go. Farid. Right there. Farid, how old are your kids? I have a five-year-old and two-and-a-half. Five and two-and-a-half. Adorable, right? You love them, right? But they’re also the most exhausting people in the world. Those who don’t have kids, let me explain what it’s like. When you don’t have kids, when a three-day weekend comes up… Monday’s off… when you don’t have kids, you make plans. When you don’t have kids… “My God. Monday’s off? Let’s go to the beach, then we’ll go to a barbeque, and then we’ll go see a movie, and then we can go get a tattoo, and then adopt a pet. Then we go for a hike, then we take a nap, then we go for another hike, but backwards the second time.” You make plans. When you have kids, first of all, you forget that Monday’s off… until you wake up on Monday and they’re still there. You turn to your wife, like, “Why aren’t they going to school?! Presidents’ Day?! What kind of bullshit is that? How are they gonna become president if they don’t go to school? They should totally go to school.” This is how exhausting kids are. A little while ago, Los Angeles Unified School District… LAUSD… got a terrorist bomb threat, shut down every school in LA. Every kid in LA was sent home. Every parent in LA was like, “Aah! Shit! Are you sure it’s real? Could we wait and see what happens? I had plans!” Farid, my kids don’t go to public school. They go to private school, so they gave us an option. They said we could either send them to school or keep them at home. I was honest with them. I go, “Guys, Daddy’s paid. You’re going.” But I gave them advice. I said, “You see a bomb, just go the other way.” But I told them, “Go back to Math class. I paid for the full day, though.” Guys, I did that joke. My eight-year-old son was in the audience. He came up to me after the show, goes, “Daddy, remember that day you sent us to school on terrorist bomb day?” I go, “Yeah.” He goes, “There was only four of us there.” I was like, “Shit.” And he goes, “And two of us was me and my sister!” I go, “Actually, I didn’t want you to go. Your mother wanted you to go. I love you. She’s al-Qaeda. If you see something, say something. That’s all I’m saying.” I don’t know if you guys remember that. It was crazy. Los Angeles Unified School District got the terrorist bomb threat, shut it down. New York City got the exact same bomb threat on that same day. Did not shut it down. That’s the day I realized, in LA, we are pussies. Soon as we got the bomb threat: “Shut it down, close the schools, lock it up, everyone inside, inside! You want to go in the backyard and play? Just put on some sunblock. We have a lot of sun rays in Los Angeles. You gotta put on sunblock. You want to eat lunch? Okay, organic only, because we only eat organic in Los Angeles, okay? You want some grapes? Can you please cut the grapes? Our kids in Los Angeles don’t know how to chew grapes. You gotta cut the grapes. If you give them a full grape, they just choke. Our kids in LA don’t know how to just… They can’t…” Meanwhile, New York City got the exact same bomb threat. “Yo, ISIS! I got your bomb threat right here! Right here, ISIS! Right here!” And that was the five-year-old schoolgirls. That’s how they talk in New York City. Guys, I guarantee you, right now there’s a group of Persians in the back… “Oh, my God. He grabbed his balls! I thought he was gonna do political material. Why did he grab his balls?!” Ed, “tokhm” means “balls.” Go for it. Say it. Tokhm. – Tokh? – No. Tokhm! – Tokh. – No. Tokhm! With a “T” and then “khm.” – Tokhm! – Tokhm. – Tokhm! – Tokhm. But quick with the “M”. Not too long with the “M”. You don’t want “Tokhmmm.” That’s something else. – Just tokhm! – Tokhm! That’s pretty good. See? This is a… This is a learning experience, ladies and gentlemen. Immigrants giving to the culture. Arabs, how do you say “balls” in Arabic? – Baydat! – Baydat! Baydat? Like, “Don’t buy this, baydat.” Arabs are always trying to sell you something. “Don’t buy this. Baydat! Baydat! I give you good discount.” Stephanie, how do you say “balls” in Chinese? That’s a good one. I want to hear that. Teach us. – How do you say “balls” in Chinese? – I have no idea. You have no idea. What the hell happened to your guys’ languages? – Qiú! – What is it? – Qiú. – Chill? – Qiú. – Qiú? C-H… – Q-I-A-O. U-I-A-O? Chuiao! There’s a lot of vowels in your balls. Right? Chuiao! They way you do Chinese: “C”, “H”, “I,” “A”, “O”, “U”, sometimes “Y”. Chuiao! I love it. Chuiao. Chuiao. That’s pretty close. Urdu. How do you say it in Urdu? – Tattay. – What? – Tattay. – What? Tattay! I feel like you have to go, “Tattay.” Tattay. Tattay. Right? Tattay. Someone raised their hand over here. Yes. What language? – Ukrainian. – Ukrainian. Oh, shit. How do you say “balls” in Ukrainian? – Yaytsya. – What?! Yaytsya? Yaytsya? Sounds like they’re shocked to see the balls. In Ukraine: “Yaytsya!” Sign language! Did you just say “sign language”? You got sign language?! Oh, no. Really? This is how you do “balls” in sign language. You win. That’s the best. Show me again. How do you do it? You gotta go down, and then up. You sure those aren’t elephant balls? I love it! See, guys? Immigrants are contributing to America as we speak. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. How did we end up on balls? Oh, yeah. My kids. Farid… are you guys raising your kids modern or traditional? – As modern as possible. – As modern as possible. I started hearing a lot of people complain about things I never knew we were supposed to complain about. I started hearing people come up and be like, “My dad never played catch with me.” I tell him, “My dad, Iranian dad… Immigrant dads don’t play catch with anybody.” I came to America, six years old. If I went to my dad when I was six, asked him to play catch… “Hey, Dad, let’s play catch,” he’d be like, “You’re lucky you’re in America. You want play catch? I send you to Iran. You can play catch with Khomeini and Saddam Hussein.” I guess we’re not playing catch. The things people will say. People say, “My dad never said, ‘I love you.'” I tell them, “My dad, Iranian dad… Immigrant dads don’t even know what that means.” If I went to my dad… “Dad, do you love me?” “Ehh. I am growing used to you.” Immigrant dads don’t say… Immigrant parents don’t say “I love you” all the time. In America, we have to tell our kids we love them all day long. In the morning, “I love you.” Lunchtime, “I still love you.” Afternoon, “I loved you more than lunch and breakfast. I love you even more now.” Even when they get in trouble, you gotta tell them you love them. My son gets in trouble… “You’re in big trouble. You did not clean your room! But just know that I love you. I’m your father. I will always be here for you. I am the wind beneath your wings. I love you so much. I don’t want you to grow up and have issues with me. I love you so much, I’m gonna clean your room for you. I love you more than your mother loves you. She sent you to school on terrorist bomb day.” Immigrant parents don’t say they love you. My parents had sayings that indicated that they might love us. My dad always used to say, “You’re the light of my eyes. You’re the light of my eyes.” “You’re the light of my eyes!” You’d be like, “Wow!” Yeah, don’t clap. Don’t clap. Because I would be like, “Wow, does that mean you love me?” He’d be like, “Ehh. That means I can see you in the dark. Watch what you’re doing.” Oh, my God. Kids are running the world now, man. You know how I know? Because when I was a kid, I used to have to play with the kids of my parents’ friends. Now I have to play with the parents of my kids’ friends. Yeah. I’d be five years old. As soon as we entered the party with my dad, we’d show up. My dad: “Go. Go play with Amir.” “I don’t want to play with Amir!” “Go play with Amir!” “Amir’s 29 years old!” “That’s not my problem. That’s his problem. Till he finds good wife, he’s their son. Go play with him.” I was five. I’d run in the room… “Hi, Amir. You have any Legos?” “No, dude. I have weed.” Here’s another way I know that kids are running the world. You know how many parties my wife and I have left because the kids need to go home and unwind and rewind and wound down? You know how many parties we’ve been at? It’s been happening. “Guys, what a great party. It was just getting started, but we gotta go home. The kids gotta unwind and rewind and wound down. I know, you just brought out the best tequila. We were gonna party, but we gotta go home. The kids gotta unwind and rewind and wound down. I know, we were just about to have an orgy, but we gotta go home. The kids gotta unwind, rewind and wound down.” My parents did not leave one party for us to go home and unwind and rewind and wound down. Not one. If we got tired at a party, they’d be like, “You want to sleep? Okay. Go find a pile of coats. Fall asleep on the coats. Make sure one of the coats is my coat so I don’t forget you when I’m going home.” You would constantly be asleep on a pile of coats, and they’d come, they wouldn’t even wake you up. They just throw you over their shoulders. You’d be half-asleep. You’d think you’re being kidnapped every night. They’d throw you over their shoulders. You’d be, “Oh, my God, this is the fifth time this week. They kidnapped me again!” And they thought they were doing good parenting. They didn’t know any better. “Hossein, look what a good father I am. I put my son to sleep on a pile of coats. What a good father. Hossein, give me a shot of vodka. I want to celebrate. Shot of vodka. He’s asleep. Hossein, I’m driving home. Give me a shot of vodka. I want to celebrate. Driving home.” We didn’t have drunk driving when I was a kid in Iran. We didn’t have seat belts when I was a kid in Iran! You’d be in the back of the car. Every turn, you’d end up on a different side. Your dad in the front: “Hold on to your sister! You’re her seat belt. I love her. You are the light of my eyes.” Now, in America, you’ve got to put your kid in a car seat till they’re 35 years old. With a helmet on. And a video player. Just saying… Where’s the couples without kids? Where are you? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Congratulations. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. We love our kids. Right, Farid? But when you don’t have kids, you have so much freedom, you don’t even know. Yeah. If there’s any advice I can give you, take advantage of the freedom you have. You guys have so much freedom when you don’t have kids. When you don’t have kids, you go home and just make love. Just go home and make love. When you don’t have kids, you go home and role-play. Yeah, you go home and role-play. I know some of the Iranians just got confused again. I guarantee you right now, some guy: “Roll play? They’re gonna go bowling? Why they go bowling? Why they go…” Role-play is when you pretend to be someone else during sex. When you have no kids, you guys can go home and just do Tarzan and Jane. You go home… “Hey, go in the other room. When you hear me ‘Tarzan,’ just swing. Just swing. Use whatever. Use a chandelier. Just swing in. We’re gonna have sex in this foyer. When you hear me go… Swing in! Sex in the foyer!” When you have kids, you can’t Tarzan and Jane. Right, Farid? You can’t Tarzan and Jane when you have kids. You’d wake the kids up! It would be the quietest Tarzan and Jane you’ve seen your entire life. When you have kids, you’ll be like… “Psst! Jane, wake up. I told you, don’t drink red wine, Jane. Red wine puts you to sleep, Jane! Jane, me Tarzan! Don’t leave me out here alone with Cheetah. I played with my Cheetah last night, Jane.” The Iranian guy’s confused. “He has a monkey named Cheetah?” When you have young kids at the house, you can’t have sex in the foyer. There’s Legos all over the foyer. You ever stood barefoot on Legos? That shit hurts. You’d be like, “Ow. Jane. Ow. Wait. Hold on. Jane. Ow. Jane. Ow. Don’t move, Jane. Ow.” When you have kids, you’re too tired to have sex. You know how many nights my wife and I, we’ve taken the kids, we’ve done the unwind, the rewind, the wound down, showered them up, went to tuck them in… When you tuck them in, that’s when they start manipulating you. You tuck them in, you start walking out. “Daddy? I’m thirsty.” “Here’s some water. Hurry up. I might get laid.” You start walking out. “Daddy? I’m hungry.” “Here’s a cracker. Let’s go. I still have a chance.” Start walking out. “Daddy, I gotta poo.” “Of course you do, because you ate and drank when you shouldn’t have. And now Daddy’s not gonna get any because of you, son. Thanks a lot. Daddy’s going to bed with blue balls because of you, son.” The Iranian guy’s confused again. “Blue balls is bowling. Blue balls, bowling. Blue balls, bowling. LGBT Community Bank. I got the whole show.” You know how many nights my wife and I have done all that stuff? The unwind, the rewound, the unbound, whatever it is, the tucking them in. We end up in bed together. We are so exhausted. We look at each other and go, “Babe… why try to have sex and ruin a good thing? We’ve got Netflix! We’ve got Netflix! Just hold my hand. Scratch. That’s a good… That’s a good scratch. That’s a good… Oh, yeah. Scratch my head. That’s a good scratch. That’s a good scratch.” Yeah, that’s what happens. When you’re married with children, you turn into monkeys. Just scratching each other all day long. This is what it is. You know what it is? Men and women are just different. We’re both dealing with the same stresses, but when you have kids, a man can disengage and decompress quicker. When it comes to sex, men are ready to go anytime, anyplace. Women need time to decompress, get in the right frame of mind. Women, when it comes to sex, one little thing can throw you off. A man could be underneath the house, rewiring the house. The wires could all be out in the most precarious, dangerous positions. And from the distance, you can hear his wife just go, “Sex!” And a man would go for it. He would run through the wires, get electrocuted. He’d show up: “Hey, did you say… Did you… Sex? You said sex? You said sex? You said sex? You said sex. No, I got electrocuted. That’s fine. You said sex! I got electrocuted. You said sex! I gotta go to the hospital. Let’s have sex. I gotta go to the hospital.” Women, very different. One little thing can throw you off. A woman could be like, “I’m not in the mood right now because my hair was supposed to be like this, but it’s like that.” And men, we’re so stupid. We’re like, “I got a comb. I could comb your hair. Then we could go have sex.” And women: “No, you didn’t hear me. My hair was supposed to be like this, but it’s like that. Like this.” “Well, I got a comb and a brush. I could do your hair, we could have sex.” We’re so dumb, we keep pushing till the real reason comes out. “I got a comb and brush. I could make this happen.” “No, you’re not hearing me. My hair was like this, but it’s like that. You forgot my birthday, asshole!” “Uh, okay, well… heh heh. Happy birthday. Here’s the comb. Surprise! I’m gonna go rewire the house.” That’s why, guys, depending on the number of people you have living at the house, gotta spend a little more time getting your wife or girlfriend in the mood. If you have no kids at the house, you go home, have a glass of wine, make love, it’s fantastic. When you have a couple of kids in the house, you’ve got to spend a bit of time getting your wife in the right frame of mind. If you have your kids and the in-laws, you’re not getting laid. It’s not happening. It’s too much traffic. It’s not gonna happen. Really hard to pull off. If I want to make love to my wife at eight o’clock at night, I’ve got to start getting her mentally prepared from eight o’clock in the morning. I swear to God. Isa, this happened recently. I woke up one morning. I was like, “Today is the day.” I don’t know if it was a full moon. I was excited. First moment I saw her, 8:00 in the morning at breakfast, I just threw a random compliment. Just walking by, I go, “Hey, babe. You’re looking good today.” She goes, “Oh, my God. Thank you for noticing my highlights.” As I walked away, I was like, “The seed has been planted.” It was like  Mission: Impossible. Lunchtime: Poetry. I don’t even know poetry. I’m just walking by… “Hey, babe… ‘To be or not to be.'” That’s all I got. Like, “Oh, my God. Shakespeare. Thank you so much.” Afternoon: Foot rub. She didn’t want a foot rub. I gave her a foot rub. Started rubbing her feet. She had dead skin. No big deal. I turned it to my advantage. I go, “Babe, your dead skin makes me feel alive!” She goes, “Eww, that’s disgusting.” I go, “So is my love.” Yeah, I became Antonio Banderas for two seconds. “So is my love. I am Puss in Boots.” I went, I ran, I got the kids tucked in, everything was done, they’re ready to go. I come running back inside. I go, “Babe, let’s do this!” She goes, “I’m not sure I’m in the mood right now. My hair was like this. Now it’s like that.” I go, “Babe, come on. The kids are asleep. I did the poetry, the foot rub. Let’s do this. And then she goes, “Um… okay.” Which isn’t the most flattering thing in the world. But for a guy, “okay” is a “yes.” Men, when it comes to sex, we have no ego at all. All she has to say is, “Yeah, I got nothing better to do.” A man would be like, “She’s got nothing better to do! I’m getting laid!” Guys, I thought “okay” meant that it was a done deal. “Okay” does not mean it’s a done deal. It’s not a done deal till it’s a done deal, okay? I messed up. I got cocky. I thought “okay” meant we’re done. I got cocky. I went to the bathroom to go pee just before we get started. Just a little tinkle before we get started. Just a little pee, a little tinkle before we get… And I farted. Just a little fart. Just the beginning. Pfft, pfft. Just the beginning. Pfft, pfft. Just pfft. Just pfft, pfft, pfft. Just pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Just a pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Just a pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Somehow, all the way from the other room, she heard. She goes, “Really?” I go, “What?” She goes, “I’m not in the mood.” I go, “Come on!” She goes, “My hair was like this. Now it’s like that. There’s farts all over the place.” Now I’m trying to sell her on the fart. I go, “That wasn’t a fart. That was a celebratory… There was more to that… I was gonna go pfffffft. There was more. I was just testing to make sure the kids are asleep. Pffffft. Better that I fart in the bathroom than during sex. You don’t want pffffft. That’s not good.” She goes, “I’m not in the mood.” I go, “Neither am I. We have a lot of Netflix. Hold my hand. Just scratch. That’s a good scratch.” Yeah. And that’s based on a true story. I swear to God. Right now, Ed, I guarantee you, some of the Iranians: “Oh, my God! He’s doing fart jokes? He was supposed to do political material. Why is he doing fart jokes?” Ed, “guz” means “fart” in Persian. If it makes the sound. If it’s quiet, it’s just “choss.” We’re connoisseurs. We have two ways. So, give me “guz.” Say “guz.” “Guz.” And then say “choss.” You’re fluent. Isa, how do you say “fart” in Arabic? – “Drat” and “fuss.” – What is it? – “Drat.” – “Drav?!” Oh, you have two as well? Look at that. We have very similar languages. You got “fuss”? So, my “choss” becomes your “fuss.” Choss. Fuss. This is like the conversion rate. – And “guz” becomes… – “Drat.” “Drat.” It sounds like you’re farting. “Drat!” Whoo! “Drat.” How do you say it in Assyrian? How do you say “fart”? – “Arteta.” – What? – “Arteta.” – “Arteta.” Sounds like your fart is an artist of some sort. I give you arteta. Arteta. Do me a favor. Take out your phone. Somebody google “fart in England.” Yell it. Say what it says. Google. What does it say? “Fart in England.” Just google it on your phone. Go ahead. – We’re gonna get kicked out. – I’m telling you, don’t worry about it. Google “fart in England.” Say it loud. What does it say? – “Trump!” – “Trump!” “Trump!” Yeah! Yes! Yes! In England, they say “trump” for “fart.” They’re very smart over there. Listen, we started with Trump jokes. We ended with fart jokes. We’ve come full circle. That’s the show. Thank you very much, Kennedy Center. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ Thank you, Kennedy Center. Thank you, Netflix. Thank you, D.C. I love you guys. ♪ Motherfuck him and John Wayne ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m black and I’m proud I’m ready and hyped, plus I’m amped ♪ ♪ Most of my heroes Don’t appear on no stamps ♪ ♪ Sample a look back You look and find ♪ ♪ Nothin’ but rednecks for 400 years If you check ♪ ♪ “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” Was a number-one jam ♪ ♪ Damn, if I say it You can slap me right here ♪ – ♪ Get it ♪ – ♪ Let’s get this party started right ♪ ♪ Right on, what we got to say ♪ ♪ Power to the people, no delay ♪ ♪ To make everybody see ♪ ♪ In order to fight the powers That be ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ELLEN DEGENERES: THE BEGINNING (2000) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ellen-degeneres-the-beginning-2000-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome Ellen Degeneres. Thank you, thank you.. Thank you very much. Yeah, woo… This is a very emotional night for me, you have no idea, ehm or maybe you do now. This has been quite a journey for me and… to lead to this night, because since I made the decision to come out three years ago… Easy for you to say, yeah… My life has been very interesting the last three years. And I knew people would maybe want me to talk about it, some people may not want me to talk about it,… and I went back and forth trying to decide should I talk about it or not. Ultimately I’ve decided: NO, I don’t want to talk about it. It has been talked about enough… How can I even, what would I say? I feel it would be best expressed… through interpretive dance… “HEY EVERYBODY, I AM GAY!” So, that’s what happened… It is interesting, because… being down there, and I know a lot of people have been down there, it doesn’t matter, what the reason is, and it is a very symbolic thing, it’s a mental thing… when you are down there, there are times, you do not believe you will ever… ever get up again. It’s a scary place and it’s very dark… But I believe that is when you grow the most, when you face your fears. That’s when you grow. So I have decided, I am gonna face every fear I have. I am gonna challenge myself every opportunity I get. People always try to make you feel better: There is nothing to fear but fear itself. OK, great, now I am scared of fear, thank you very much, wasn’t before. I also decided to get rid of the need of approval… That is a strong addiction, need of approval, isn’t it? I am on a patch right now actually, it releases a small doses of approval, until I no longer crave it, then I’m gonna rip it off. Cause if I make that decision to get back on the stage, I thought I cannot worry, what people think about me. There are things that need to be said that I will say… I will… I know, a lot of people don’t want me to say them, cause people think once something has stayed a certain way for a certain amount of time, leave it alone, don’t change it. But I think, things need to change… and I will point them out to you tonight I will say these things. For instance: Do we still need directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? Oh yeah, I’ve said it… Whose shampooing for the first time? Anybody? And if you are, you can’t read anyway. You’re like a wild crazy ape person that has been raised in the wild by monkeys or wolves or something nurturing that would raise ya. Reptiles won’t raise you, they don’t even raise their own young, Don’t expect them to raise you. Those monitor lizards don’t even look that dangerous, but those tail’ll whip around, slapping your head and break your neck. So if you are in the wild, try to catch the eye of a monkey or a wolf or something like that… Don’t look them directly in the eye, that is threatening to them actually… Just sideways, if you walk next to them, and kinda glance… Actually, if you are lower, that is even less threatening… just… Don’t smile, if you show your teeth, that’s also threatening. So say some hikers find ya… you know… That is a big find; if they find a crazy wild ape person, they’re gonna bring you back to civilization certainly. But they’re not gonna just throw you in the shower and expect you to know how to shampoo your head… They’re gonna shampoo your head for you… And then you would mimic that. That is how you survive so long in the wild by mimicking things… So who needs the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? And it is not bad enough there are directions, there is a 0800 number on the back. In case the directions are too vague for you. Rinse and repeat, but how many times? To be the only thing to be more pathetic than calling the 0800 number is working at the 0800 number. Alright, let’s go through this again, shall we? Right… I am gonna stop you,… did you wet your hair first? You’re welcome… That’s my job. Thank you… Thank you for holding? It’s about the size of a quarter in the palm of your hand? No, can’t be two dimes and a nickel… No, can’t be three nickels and a dime. What, cause it can’t spread out that way… that’s why… then you just rinse and repeat… Oh my… How old are you? You should repeat seven more times then. What a fascinating story… What did you survive on? Nuts and berries or what? Wolves? MY GOODNESS… And they just nuzzled you?! Aaaw… No, I can’t help you with the conditioner, you’re gonna have to call that line on your own. I’m fascinated by animals… all of nature fascinates me.. You ever watch ants? You have the kind of time like me? It’s for a while there. It’s interesting, because if you watch them… they’re always in that long single-file line, if you notice that… They’re always in that single-file line, they don’t have to be… There are no lanes painted for them they were forced to stay in… They can go anywhere on the ground that they wanna go, but they stay in the line. Don’t you think, there has got to be the one ant, that asshole ant in the back, just filled with road rage back there, just… “Common, let’s go!” You’ve ever noticed, sometimes an ant will pick up a dead ant and walk around with that dead ant carrying that around? That’s to get into the car-pull lane to pass up that line. I’m pretty sure. And we kill them like crazy… Just any kind of way, we can kill ants, we kill them… orange soda, any kind of liquid will do… just kill ’em… cause the smaller something is, the easier it is for to kill it, cause… we don’t see their little expressions right before we’re killing them… It’s true, we’ll just kill anything.. Fly gets into the house.. kill it right away! Kill the fly! What’s wrong with us? What is the matter with us? We’ve named them, they’re called HOUSE flies, that is their name. They know, where to be… You don’t see a horse fly trying to get it in there… they’re on a horse sw, they stay on the horses… Flies are amazing, they are inside… They’re flying all over the place until they find a mirror, you noticed that? They find a bathroom mirror and they are there for about an hour… they don’t move… I think, it is cause they think, they’ve found another fly. They’re having a conversation with that fly: Thank god, I thought I was alone… You look very familiar. I am very attracted to you… You’re a good listener.. OK, here is the deal: I think there is an open window, you go tell the other flies we’ve have found a house, I’ll wait here… Go, I’m gonna wait here… Alright, I’ll go… Hey, you wait here… Don’t come with me! Are you mocking me? Stay very very still! There comes that human! Finally, she’s gonna read that Greenpeace newsletter. Why is she rolling it up? I don’t like to kill things, I really don’t, I’ll try not to kill st, if I can avoid it, I’ll get it out of the house. People like to kill things, a spider gets in, whatever, kill it… I will take a piece of cardboard and I’ll try my best to get it out of the door, if I can… anything, that is in the house. Not anything, let me qualify that… If it’s a burglar, I’m not gonna take a piece of cardboard… OUT, OUT,… Sir… Sir… OUT! If a spider gets in the house, people wanna kill the spider right away. Spider doesn’t know, you don’t want it in there. It’s not like you posted signs all over the place: “KEEP OUT SPIDER” Which to me would be very arrogant assuming they only speak English… But our ego tells us, we are the only ones that have any kind of feeling, we’re the only ones with the relationship, we’re are the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you are ruining. There is a conversation going on outside with the other spiders: Did you hear about Chris? Sneaker… And now Stephanie has 900 babies to raise all alone… She’s got her legs full, I tell you that, right now… Chris was so kind, wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s just been though for them lately, they just lost their web last week. Those humans think, they are so smart… Let them try shoot silk out of their bottom, see what they could make. It’s true. Admit,… if you look at a spider web, that is magnificent to me… Look at a spider web and see what they can do. Look at a bird’s nest and see what that is… At least nature uses every single thing they’ve got… We don’t, we’re capable of so much more and we just don’t use it… You know that Nelson Mandela quote: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,… our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us… “Bla, bla, bla,… ” whatever he says.. It’s true. They say we use 10% of our brain… 10%… Imagine, what we could accomplish, if we used the other 60%… do you know, what I’m saying? I like to think I am smart and I am constantly reminded just… left and right, that I am just not as… smart as… Every single time I drive my Toyota Land Cruiser into an underground parking structure, I duck… every single time… Don’t trust it… I am loosing my mind just slowly the older I get,… I am doing things that are starting to scare me, like I’ll be walking out of the house, I’ve just had a banana, so I’ve got the banana peel in one hand my car keys in the other hand… I go to the trash, I throw my car keys away and I walk out with my banana peel. Constantly doing things like that… I forget people’s names all the time.. that’s a REALLY bad one for me… People I totally should know, too. They are coming up to me at a party night I just start panicking and I have to do that fake-out thing: I am sorry, remind me again, how do you pronounce your name? [‘kath-ee], ok… So the emphasis is on the first syllable… [‘kaeth-ee] For some reason I was gonna say [kaeth-‘ee]… Look at you… I have a hard time staying focused for long periods of time… That’s… I try,… I really try… I do… Somebody is talking to me and I’m there as long as I can possibly hold on and then I just driiiift off… I don’t know, where I go, but I’m not here, just the mouth moving in front of me. Have no clue, what it is, they’re saying… Then I realize I am gone and I don’t know, how long I’ve been gone. So I start to come back… I just catch the word “leotard” and I am like “what the… ” and I’m back… And I am wondering, if they know that I was gone and I am back… cause my facial expression has changed so drastically… So I try to play with it like what it looked like before, so it wasn’t so… Still I am not listening, cause I am worried about my facial expression and what that’s looking like. Then I totally go off again, like: Is it everybody I talk to, is everybody boring, or is it me, do I have ADD? If so, I’m sure there is some kind of clinic, or some place I could go get tested for that… to find our for sure, but who’s got that kind of time and patience to… call them up and make an appointment and find out where they’re located, drive down there and take a test… sit around and find out the answer… I know I have ADD, cause I don’t have the patience to go and find out, if I have ADD. It’s like people, who take Ginkgo Biloba every day. If you can remember to take it every day, you DON’T NEED IT! So anyway… so now I am back and there is that space… that silence… they’ve clearly finished talking… And you’ve no idea, what they said… So you have to do that fake-out thing… That is not good enough, they’re still kinda staring at ya… Do, what I do, if I can help you out, I am pleased to do it, cause I know, it’s an awkward situation for all of us… I always say something about Gloria Estephan… I’m telling ya, it works, if you commit to it… She can work in any conversation you can possibly… It could be like: “Whats that got to do with copper plumbing?” And you’re like: “Gloria Estephan is the copper plumbing of the music industry. ” I mean, look at her, she’s beautiful, durable, reliable, indestructible. Look, how she came back after that bus accident, are you gonna debate me on this? And do that, that brings it on home… I think people talk too much anyway… talk, talk, talk… Sometimes people’re talking and in my mind I’m like: “Shut up, shut up,… ” “bla, bla, bla… ” Right? People are sc… alright… Now you’re with me… People are scared of silence… Aren’t they? You find silence, people always have to fill it with st. The world is so full of noise. It is so hard to find silence. I believe that silence is golden. It is the one thing I hold on to. It is where all of our answers are. It is, where our truth is, our passion,… our path,… our everything. All of the answers are in silence, if you can find it. I was outside not too long ago, I tried to meditate. I closed my eyes. And I got to that still place,… that everybody talks about. Just for a moment, but I was there. And the first message that I got… so strongly and so clear was… we are all one… Every living thing, we are all connected. The next thing I felt was this little tiny thing in the palm of my hand… there is this little mosquito in the palm of my hand, this little prehistoric-looking creature… this strange bug… And I’m thinking about, what I just thought, I look at this thing… then I just killed it… and then I went back to my lovely state of being… the next thing I heard was: “Would you like anything else or will that be all?” told the waiter I was meditating, “idiot, thanks a lot for interrupting… ” He wouldn’t get any tip, I’ll tell you that… It took him forever to get that veal anyway, so… I decided an outdoor coffee was not the place to be spiritual, people are too rude and stupid… So I left… I started walking to my car… which was like three blocks away… because the parking situation is crazy… cause the world overpopulated with the wrong kind of people… and back to the loving place… so I am walking and I see my car, and I see a meter-mate standing at my car… writing a ticket… and I’m like: “Oh, please, wait, stop, please don’t write the ticket, I am here. ” and she’s like: “I am sorry, but you’re parked illegally in front of a fire-hydrant. ” and I like “Oh, illegally in front of a fire-hydrant. ” And she is like: “Please, stop talking to me that way. ” And I am like: “What way?” It was fun… and so… I said: “Please, be compassionate,… ” don’t give me the ticket, I’m here… and she said: “Oh, I’m sorry,… ” I’ve already started writing, I can’t stop. Oh that’s how, you’ve already started writing, so you can’t stop… OK… Well,… I would not like to hit you, but my fist is already in the air, OK? and back to the loving place. So I get in my car, and I lit up a cigarette and prayed to where I would be lead… and I heard: “Drive!”, it was her… And I’m like: “Alright… ” So I start driving… It is so hard to drive and be compassionate and loving. Cause the way people drive… it’s just enough to… I’m telling ya… I was behind sb, they were going so slow… I could had gotten out of my car and walked around it going. Sorry to have to pass you, but you’re going a little too slow. Anyway, so I went to go around them to give them the I-hate-you look. How else are they gonna learn?! It’s up to us… so… I went to go around them and it was… a nun… can you believe that?! I was like: why don’t you take a vow no to drive… drop it like a bad habit. …and back to the loving place and… again praying to where I would be lead… Then I see a health-food store just right there, appears right before my eyes. That seems spiritual, I have never been in a health-food store before… I don’t know, if you’ve ever been in a health-food store, but hey, if this is healthy, sorry, don’t wanna be it. Oh, I aspire to be you… uhm… They are so proud of themselves, too… Guess how old I am! I don’t know… Guess how old I… 30? I am 16, but the point is I’ve never had diary… OK, whatever,… They think they know it all. Let me see your tongue.. What? Let me see your tongue… You’re full of toxins. I said: “You are full of toxins, what a stupid thing to say to me?” I needed a herb… for st inside, I mean like a spleen or something that is inside… Cause st needed st… because of st that happened… and so… they do this thing called kinesiology… they put the herbs in your hand and if your arm goes down, you need that… which is so… stupid,… it sounds stupid, but but it’s not, it works, I tell you what, because last week I was in Gucci,… and I had a sweater in my hand and it went right down. Couple of minutes earlier I had a dress in my hand and it didn’t go down at all… Don’t need it… So anyway, so then he said… he, she… I don’t know, what it was… It’s name was Earth Spirit… Was that a boy’s name? Earth Spirit is all like: “You need some wheat grass juice. ” And I was like: “Wheat grass juice, do I need a sprout wrap, too?” He said: “Youre aura is brown.. ” I said: “Youre aura is brown, what a stupid thing to say to me?!” We’re gonna have to call the security guard… Oh, the health-food security guard, what is his name? “Whispering Pine”? Why, is meat breath offending you? So anyway, they kicked me out, I left… and… So I’m driving again… back to the loving place and praying to where I would be lead.. and then it hit me: You’re out of rum… If you’re quite, it’ll come… So I went to the liquor store and… no parking ever, you know,… so I had to park across the street in some parking-lot, because again… you know… wrong kind of people… So I am going to liquor store getting the rum and a pack of smokes… and some rolling papers… Peace! So I come out and go to my car… Parking attendant standing right next to my car He wasn’t there, when I got out… parking attendant standing right there Oh, you can’t park here for that establishment. You must go in here and purchase st and get validated… I said: “Please, be compassionate, idiot. ” “No, you have to go in here… “ Anyway,… it looked like a spiritual type place: It was called “Pleasure Chest”, or st like that.. Some type of toy store, I would guess… unsafe toys… cause I’d been playing with some of them… this pogo stick is going to hurt sb… I don’t know… who… is gonna.. it’s bad… on your back… and it’s… not sturdy… so… that’s what I was thinking.. Anyway… I had to get st… and it was getting late.. I didn’t wanna deal with the traffic and have to get into the car-pull lane. So I bought a blow-up doll, which they had… I don’t know, if I didn’t blow it up properly, or… Anyway, it was deflating, it was loosing air… that’s the… And so, I had to pull over on the side of the road and… why they put the valve in the crouch area, I don’t know. It’s silly… it’s what it is blowing up… So there I am on the side of the road… Linda… I named her… That’s when there is a knock at the window… and it’s a cop of course… And I thought, OK… This does not look good at all.. And it does not help matters any that I am naked.. Now, I’ll tell why that is.. Well, if you are going to buy a blow-up doll,… before warned that they do not come with clothes… I don’t know, what that’s about, but there is no clothes or anything… You can’t ever dress them up… So I thought, I am not gonna look like a crazy person, driving around with a naked passenger. I am not STUPID… So there I am NAKED… Well except for the harness, but forget about the harness… and the captain’s hat and the paddle and so. There I am on the side of the road getting handcuffed… in my harness and a captain’s hat and a paddle holding Linda… and the cop said: “You have the right to remain silent. ” I was like: “Finally, that’s what I’ve been… ” looking for all along… It is hard to find the silence, isn’t it? just hard.. Even when it’s silent, it’s not silent… Even at night, when you are trying to go to sleep… just quiet.. Your head just doesn’t stop, Your brain just goes and goes… ?all these nuns, equator; fragmented, weird thoughts? that just pop in you head, that is when you find at how boring, YOU actually are. It’s just you, just your thoughts… you’re trying to go to sleep all of a sudden I like grapes. That was a good restaurant, we went to today. That was some good tuna salad. Not too much mayo… I should start making my own tuna salad. Silly to go out and pay for st, I can make at home. I should have ordered st I don’t know how to make… like eggplant and parmigiano… or st like that. I’ve never really liked eggplant, but the parmigiano sounds interesting. I think I left money in my pants. If it’s a one I don’t care, but if it’s a twenty I wanna get that out of there. It’s fun to find money though, that’s fun… You’re not really finding money, it’s your money… I got to remember that… money in the pants, money in the pants… What’s in the pants? Money. Money in the pants… em ‘n’ the pee, em ‘n’ the pee,… Ah, now I have to pee… I just peeded, I don’t really have to pee, I just think I have to pee… If I don’t pee now, I am gonna get up in the middle of the night… and gonna be mad, I didn’t pee now… Now, I am not gonna wake up to much… I am just gonna keep my eyes closed and pee with my eyes closed… Get back in bed, that is when the weird images start, that is the next phase, just these images… Giant olive,… what? Cloris Reachman’s face How come? And that’s when the song starts… and you cannot stop the song or anything… The more you try to stop the song… the more the song goes over and over again in your head… just… Bye Manan.. Stop it! Please, stop! Bye Manan… Stop it! Please! Shut up! Shut up! And then you hear: “Shut up!” Who’s talking? And that’s when you realize, that it’s you inner child, just playing with you… just talking back and forth to you… Cause you don’t play with our inner child anymore… so your inner child is wide awake and just wants to play… and here you are negotiating with you inner child that night… Please, I have a very busy day tomorrow,… Oh, please, I have a very busy day Bye Manan… Stop it! That’s why people are so angry and grumpy and ragefull all day long, cause their inner child has kept them up all night long.. and their exhausted and their inner child is just sound asleep now… That child doesn’t go anywhere… we still have that child in us, each one of us has that child… that we need to play with every day and we would sleep better… I don’t know what happens… but somewhere along the way we just get so jaded, we loose that joy, and that bliss, when you look in a child’s eyes they’re happy with just about every single thing Just watching them learn, how to walk. Their eyes are just… they can’t believe they’re walking. they’re so excited that they’re walking and just that’s so happy for them… and then we get older… I got to walk… No, I’ll get it… We lose that sense of play that we should all… I don’t know… Why do we stop playing games? Just go to a total stranger tomorrow on the street… Just go to them and touch them: “You’re it!” and just run away… It would be so fun, you know! Maybe they will here? just do it back to you. Just try it tomorrow.. Have a giant game of tag going on the street all the time Everybody playing with their briefcases and backpacks… walking along,”Who’s it?”, “Ugh… You’re it”, “No, you’re it!” At work just play,… when your boss comes in looking for you just play hide-and-seek… just duck behind the desk… What are they gonna do? Fire you? Was just playing hide-and-seek… I… Children are so amazing, they just remind you of how simple things should be… I have a godchild that is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.. my godchild, she’s an angel… she’s just a little precious… just… ray of light… she’s two… or six… I don’t know… but she is… Kids have fun so easily… You are on a plane and there is a kid in front of you… a two-year old… or a four-year old… peek-a-boo… that’s all they need… they don’t care about in-flight entertainment or anything. peek-a-boo is enough for them, just to make them giggle. all it takes for you to make a little kid just giggle is go: “Boo!” and then they duck down, they’re so excited… they never get tired of that game though… They will play from here to Paris… they just… A couple of hours in, you’re trying to end that game… I don’t know… my imagination is… that stops me… sometimes… when you’re a kid imagination is fun. and nobody tries to stop you. When you get older, all of a sudden you use your imagination to keep you from doing things. At least for me… like… I wanna do st and I’ll just think… oooh.. what if? You know that thing? Let’s say for instance: I am out of cheese, ok? And then I’ll think: Oooh, but what if… I go to the store and they’re out of cheese? I’d be like:”How can you be out of cheese?” and they would be like: “What do you mean like, how can we be out of cheese. ” “You’re out of cheese, people run out of cheese. ” Then I’d be like: “Yeah, but you’re a store… ” you should have cheese stocked up in the back, for people like me… coming in looking for cheese… and that is when they send the manager over, who thinks he is so cool for being a manager. Cause his picture is framed in front of the store, cause he is the manager. and he would be like: “What seems to be the problem, MA’M?” which to me is so condescending as”little lady” and I’d be like: “The little lady’s problem… ” he’d be like: “Who is the little lady?” I’d be like: “Shut up and listen to me… ” You’re out of cheese and I want some… He’s like: “How about some cottage cheese?” Like he is gonna negotiate the situation, he is a diplomat. He is the manager… And I’d be like: “I don’t want cottage cheese… ” I want cheddar cheese… sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese and not the same thing. Just cause they have cheese in the title, doesn’t make it a cheese at all. It would be like going to a music instrument store, “and say I’d like to buy a trumpet and they’d say:” “I am sorry, but we’re all out of trumpets, but would you like a shoehorn?” See, that is not the same thing, Mr. Manager “Thank you for the shoehorn!”… You know… He starts getting all nervous and everything cause a crowd has formed… and then he starts feeling humiliated, cause their all sitting around and mumbling. What seems to be the problem? I don’t know, she wants some cheese. and so he just slaps me right across the face. And so… that’s when Skip, the part-time guy, who works there, who hates the manager… cause he thinks he is so cool for being the manager… and treats Skip like shit, cause he is just a part-time guy. Skip is gonna quit on the phone and go back to school anyway. He doesn’t even need the money, he is from a wealthy family, he’s just doing it for the experience, cause his family wants him to work on summer. So anyway, he takes the hose and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye. but that’s when he is leaning down to pick up the cottage cheese. So he misses him and get the old woman who’s standing right behind him, she’s there picking an avocado, cause the older you get the less you eat. And all she wants is the avocado… So she screams out: My eye, I’ve been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose. That is when her nephew, who is visiting from Austin, Texas… is two aisles over picking out tortilla chips… cause he thinks they are gonna have some guacamole.?it’s one avocado. and so he start running: “I’ll help you, aunt so-and-so!” running and then, when he is running down the aisle… he slips on the water from the produce hose, break his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs right there… gets a stitch put into his cheekbone, just one, but it’s still a stitch chaos breaks out… it is all over the Hard Copy and Entertainment Tonight, Access Holywood Lesbian Demands Cheese, Causes Riot I don’t even want the cheese… To me the key to being fashionable… and I’ve been interviewed on this hunderets of times… is standing out, but fitting in… that is what it is.. You don’t want to wear st too wild… that sb notices and is kind of freaky, you know but you also don’t wanna wear some outfit that someone could have exact same thing on when you show up at the party. That’s embarassing.. I don’t know, if it has happened to you, but it’s happened to me twice… Both times, it was William Shatner and I’ll tell you st… I think, I look better in the tubed top and I’ll say it… I don’t know, I dress kinda boring… I don’t care… I don’t go for the trendy stuff I don’t unders… sometimes I think, the fashion designers are just trying to see what they can get away with… You know, they come up with some of these things and I am just looking at them like I’m talking about the sarong and sari which is the same thing… I think, and if not, I am so wrong and so sorry, but… There was a time, there was the dressing room. You could walk into a door, there were a whole door… and you could close to door and you could try on clothes… and cry… or whatever you do in a dressing room… But you had a door. There is no door any longer… You go to try and close ’em… the door is just getting higher and higher up… and lower and lower down You’re trying to get undressed behind a 2×4 back there… People can the underwear going down around your ankles… I don’t know about you, but I always take my underwear off no matter what I’m trying on. Just a habit really… That’s so the salesperson can get to you. cause they couldn’t before… for the door, they’d just be on the outside of the door: “Can I get you anything, you need anything, everything alright?” “How is everything? Can I get you anything?” Now they can just poke their head in: “Can I get you anything?” “How is everything? Everything alright?” Rollin’ upside down on their little car mechanic?(car creeper). I said, I would call you, Rachel, I don’t need anything. Scoop… Booa, they check on you a lot, don’t they? What could be going so wrong, that they need to check on you that often. “MY BRA IS IN MY ASS!” “RACHEL!” I’d like to see how far they’ll go to help you, if you tell them your bra is in your ass. “Oh my, it’s in the ass?” Do you need a different size or color I don’t know what to do… about the bra in the ass.. I’ll get the manager, I don’t know… And they have taken the mirror out of the dressing room. So you are forced to walk out to take a look at yourself. So they get another crack at you, to tell you, how you look. Cause you don’t have opinions of your own. That looks fabulous… Really? Yes, your ass looks fabulous… That is how they get you. They tell you, your ass looks good, you are buying it. That blouse, makes your ass looks fabulous… Is that your bra? Well, it makes your ass look fabulous. The ass is such an important thing, that we check out our asses like crazy, when we try on clothes… ?check out our ass, our entire facial expression changes. We make the ass face suddenly, it is that kind of… That’s my asssssss… And that’s my ass that way… I’m gonna walk away, and that’s my ass… We don’t make the ass face, when we are at home… naked, looking at ourselves in the mirror… Totally different face then… ?that there? I am amazed by people, who are just so comfortable with their nakedness… it doesn’t matter, what they look like… they’re just totally comfortable being naked. I love that… I mean, I… I admire that in p… I think that people… that are like the ones most compfortable being naked… are people, who videotape their sex… You gotta be so confident about your body… videotaping your sex… Because, no matter, how much your partner loves you… in the heat of everything, stuff is moving so fast… and going on, you know… You’re watching it back on video tape, you’re risking your partner going: “I never saw that before!” “Have you seen this on yourself right there?” I don’t know, I just… feel like… People, who videotape their sex there is only one of two reasons that you’re doing it cause, either you are so egotistical… you’re looking at it together going: “Look at us!” We are hot! Look at us, look at us… Look at me, look at me… Look at you, look at me again, look, look, look… Look at me, you Or you are looking at it together like football players to try to improve for the next time… to get better, you know… Alright, let’s take a look right here, shall we? OK,here is what I’m talking about, see how your elbow is up so high? and your back is arched right there? Not the best time to do it, I think I’d hold on with that until… THERE… that is when you do it, right there. And what’s going on right here? What’s up? What is happening right there? Huh? I’ll tell you: nothing… A lot of energy, a lot of energy… Look at my face! Nothing going on! You might wanna check in once in a while. I know I am biting my lip, it’s to keep from laughing. Where did you come up with that little techniq? Did you make that up? I thought so. Don’t do it! Don’t cry! Come on! This is how we learn… Let’s go, get back in there and try again, come on! What do you mean, you are not in the mood? I don’t know, I don’t understand a lot of the stuff that people are into. But I do believe, that everyone has the right to do, whatever they wanna do with their bodies. If it makes you feel good, do it. It is your life… It is your body… Two contending adults… I just don’t understand a lot of it. Like people who are into the Mile High Club? Wanting to have sex in the bathroom on the b… I don’t understand that, I have questions! How do you even have room to fit two people in there to have sex? I barely have room to have sex in there by myself. I have to leave the door open a smidge cause my leg has to be like that… That’s how I like it! Sex… that’s a… boy, that will separate you… You tell sb what you are into… and people are: “Uuh, you like that? You are weird!” That separates people like crazy, when you talk about sexuality. Very interesting, we have this huge debate going on right now… about same-sex marriage. There are people, who are against it, there are people, who are for it. and the people, who are against it some people say: Marriage is a union between a man and a woman… it’s always been that way and it should always remain that way. if we change it and it’s between two people of the same sex. then, what is next? Someone could marry an animal? That’s where they go to right away. These people scare me… And they think, we are weird. I don’t wanna marry a goat, I really don’t I can’t imagine marrying a goat, I can’t even imagine dating a goat. Getting to the point that you’re so serious to make that kind of commitment Till you’ve lived together for a while to figure it out and see of you are compatible. I am just picturing the apartment with you and the goat. Photographs all over the place. You and the goat on the beach running holding hands… You and the goat with the 4 for 1 photo strip Sunday morning, you’re trying to read the paper… It’s trying to eat it… Don’t you eat that section, I haven’t read that, yet. Don’t you eat, don’t you eat, come here… Love you, you… goat. I think that would be a though day even for the most liberal parents the day you bring the goat home. Mom, dad, this is Billy… We are in love… If you don’t like st, say you don’t like it, say you disapprove of it. say, it’s your opinion, that you don’t like it… or it’s wrong. Everyone’s got a right for their opinion. I fully believe that. But when people bring God into it and say: God says this, God wants this, God believes that… I don’t know, how you do that. I don’t know, how you speak for someone else, because until you are sitting with someone and hear it for yourself with your own ears… out of someone else’s mouth it’s hard to speak for someone else That’s what I believe… I have learned in this business to not believe anything I read or hear until I sit down with that person and hear it for myself. That’s one of the ? of this business. You get to meet a lot of interesting people. and you get to have a lot of interesting conversations. I’ve been lucky enough I’ve met the president, and Oprah, and Madonna, and lot of people and so… it was a matter of time before I would met God and I have. What a day that was! I will tell ya something, this was magical for me cause I was invited over to God’s house one afernoon… for a fondue and chablis. Normally, I don’t like chablis, but it was nice, it was dry… with a peppery oak aftertaste. I’m getting ahead of myself, anyway, so… I get up to God’s house. As I am pulling up, Jeniffer Love Hewitt was just leaving. She is sweet… So I go in and I’m sitting in God’s living room… and I’m waiting… It’s bright in there, let me tell you that. Every lamp was on, crazy, crazy bright in there. So I’m sitting there and I’m waiting. And I started thinking… Wonder what he is dressed like… I wonder, if he’s wearing that robe all the time. Because I feel like that about the Pope like once in a while, don’t you think he throws a pair of shorts and a tank? Chillin’ out… Then I start thinking: I wonder, if I am dressed appropriatelly to meet God. I don’t know, how you are supposed to dress… and then I realize, God’s seen me naked. I just took my clothes off. So I’m looking around the living room and in front of me there is a coffee table with two magazines on: Teen People and Guns and Amo. A poster of a kitten on the wall: Hang in there, baby! Pictures of Jesus EVERYWHERE… I mean You can’t even believe, how many pics of Jesus there were. Picture of Jesus on a pony with a cowboy hat. Picture of Jesus on a beach with the T-shirt that said: My parents created the universe and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. I was getting nervous, I’m gonna meet God… and just a minute, I don’t even know, how to greet God. Do I shake hands? Do I courtesy or do I bow? Do we hug? I feel close enough to God. To hug God, but I know, many people want to hug me because TV does that. But I don’t want to hug a lot of these people. It’s just trying to be respectful. A couple of minutes later, God walks in the room carying a try of fondue and chablis. I would say, she was about forty-seven, forty-eight years old… Just beautiful, beautiful black woman. We just immediately hugged… she smelled so good,… she said, it was Kelvin Klein’s Obsession. We sat down and started drinking the chablis and talking about the weather… what was gonna happen to it. I was asking different questions, a bunch of questions… I was just curious about. What is the hardest thing about being God… She said, trusting people… You never know, if people really like you… Or if it’s just cause you’re God. People always want st from you. they want money and they want more money… that’s what they ask a lot, nobody ever thanks anymore. The only people, who thank, are boxers and rappers. Rappers are singing songs like: “Slap the bitch up the ass. ” I’d like to thank the Lord Almighty for this award… Praise Jesus… Nobody cares about the miracles anymore. Miracles just go by unnoticed. I said: “What was the last miracle?” and she cried… she was upset that I had to ask. It’s the toilette that flushes automatically. Before that it was the George Foreman Grill cause the fat just dripps right off… So anyway, I guess, it was the chablis, or st, but I’d loosen up enough to say: God, I have to admit, I really felt alone a lot, I felt like you didn’t exist, I didn’t believe in you for a time. She said: “Do you remember that day you were walking on the beach… ” I said: “Yeah. ” She said: “I was there. ” I said: “There was just one set of footprints though. ” She said: “I was on your back… ” I tought I felt a heavy that day. I thought it was water retention. No, that when you’re bloated… I am there… That comforts me… I’m not gonna bore you with everything we talked a lot of stuff… she told me the meaning of life and stuff like that… but anyway. I was leaving, I was walking out the door, and I turned around and I said: God, I have to say I am sorry. I am so sorry that we are killing all the animals. I am so sorry that we are chopping down all the trees. I am sorry that we are filled with hate instead of love I am sorry that we call each other names and judge each other. I am sorry that we go to war and kill each other. I am sorry. and she was silent for a few seconds. Then she looked at me and she said: Have you seen Gloria Estephan’s hair lately?

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FAHIM ANWAR: THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fahim-anwar-theres-no-business-like-show-business-2017-full-transcript/

♪ ♪ – Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Fahim Anwar! – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming to my special, guys. Really cool to be shooting it here in L.A. I’ve lived here for, like, ten years now, and I don’t love it, just because everyone out here is trying to make it, you know. Everyone’s delusional. Like, you could walk up to any random person in Hollywood and be like, “Hey, I’m a big fan.” And they’d be like, “Thank you.” “Thank you, really appreciate it.” Even if they were just a walker on The Walking Dead. They’d be like, “You’re familiar with my work, yeah. Does this ring a bell?” “That’s me. “That’s me, bro. “Lot of lozenges that day, you know? Just got to coat the throat.” It’s so funny. Like, nobody wants to grow up out here. Everyone has Peter Pan Syndrome. That’s why everyone dresses so weird in L.A. It’s like everyone’s closet in Hollywood is just a lost-and-found box. You know? They’re like, “All right, Friday night, what do we got? “We’ll do vest with no shirt on. “Sombrero in ski boots. All right.” Everyone on Sunset Boulevard just looks like a Sims character. “Hey, what’s up, you want to fuck? “No, all right, keep walking. “What’s up, you want to fuck? “No, all right, same as… okay, yeah. Don’t get discouraged.” I live a little outside of Hollywood. I live in Koreatown. Yeah. You know you’re not doing well when you live in another ethnic group’s town. There’s this McDonald’s I’ll go to sometimes, just to get out of the house. And… You got to break up the day, you know? So I go there, I get a tea, the guy gives me the tea, and I go, “Do you have any honey?” And he goes, “Honey?” Like I just blew his mind. Like he’s never heard of that combo before. I go, “Yeah, honey.” He goes, “Mm, let me check.” He goes in the back for way too long. I don’t see him for, like, 20 minutes. And then he pops out and he goes, “We’ve got, like, honey mustard.” Like, why… why would you suggest that? Like that’s even an option. Is anyone like, “Oh, yeah, that’s the same shit. “Yeah, bring that out. “Do you have any barbecue sauce or chipotle mayo? “I’m trying to make the most disgusting cup of tea “ever known to man. “Do you have a raw hot dog you could plop into there? “The tea will cook it. It’ll be like a fucked up version of pho.” Like, that went through several logic gates in his mind, and he was still like, “We got honey mustard, “in case you got, like, a coffee filter “and you can, like, filter out the mustard. “Maybe you got, like, a butane lighter “and you can burn off the mustard. “You can MacGyver some honey out of this, dog. “Just don’t give up. I believe in you.” I was walking around my neighborhood. It was a super sunny day, and then it just started raining out of nowhere, like, really hard. And I passed this block, and there was this Mexican dude selling all these umbrellas. And I was like, that was pretty fast. Like, where did he get all those umbrellas that fast? And then I realized, Mexicans in L.A. are just always selling what you need before you even know you need it. You ever been on a romantic dinner date with a girl, and then out of nowhere, they’re just like, “Roses? Hmm…roses?” Just like the “Duck Hunt” dog. Just, “Roses?” You’ll be coming out of a club at 2:00 a.m., like, “Oh, fuck, man, I’m starving.” “Tacos?” “Tacos that I grill on a shopping cart?” Business was slow over here. I like how no one will eat at a B-rated restaurant, but they’ll eat at shopping cart tacos all day. “Ah…it’s all good, dude. “Oh, dude, ten tacos for a nickel. “That’s crazy dude. How do they… It’s nuts.” They’re just always selling what you need before you even know you need it, you know? Like, your plane could be going down, you look in the aisle, there’s a Mexican guy like, “Parachute?” “Parachute. Senor, parachute for the lady?” “It’s good to do… for the lady.” There’s a lot of pigeons in my neighborhood. I like pigeons. Pigeons are like the hipsters of birds, because they have the ability to fly but choose not to. They’re like, “What are you, flying?” “Yeah, I used to do that. This is my new jam.” I was sitting on a bench in my neighborhood in front of this, like, huge flight of stairs, and I thought this pigeon was gonna, like, flap down all of them, but he literally just took the stairs. Then he looked at me and he went, “Leg day.” “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to whip this French fry into smaller pieces with my beak.” Some people don’t like pigeons. They think they’re a nuisance. You know, like flies. Nobody gives a shit about flies. You’ll swat them, be like, “Fuckin’ get out of here.” But we don’t do that with bees, really, right? Because bees have the ability to sting you, so there’s a level of respect. A bee is basically a fly with a gun. People act the same way too, like, “Oh, shit, it’s a bee. Just let it do whatever it wants.” “We don’t have any honey, okay? “Just leave us alone. “Here’s an empty Coke can. Just fucking leave.” The bee’s like, “Well, well, well… “What do we got here? “Oh, this potato salad? “You don’t mind if I walk around all over it right quick, do you?” “What you gonna do about it? “Yeah, that’s right. “This is my picnic now. Fuck your Sunday.” Just flies away. This is a fun show. This is, like, ideal for stand-up, like, you know, great crowd. I had to do stand-up on a hip-hop show recently, which was the worst, because it’s a very different energy, you know. Everybody was wilin’ out for the hip-hop. They were like… “Put your hands up! “Put your hands up! All right, now we’ve got a stand-up comedian.” I’m like, “Hey, how’s everybody doing tonight? “Y’all ready to have way less fun? “Y’all ready to bring the energy way down? “Bust out your sleeping bags, ’cause it’s about to get drowsy up in here.” That’s like a girl jerking a dude off and he’s like, “Ugh, I’m about to come.” She’s like, “Before you do, please welcome Fahim Anwar!” “Hey, what’s up? “I know you’re getting jerked off right now, “but these are some things I was thinking about earlier today. “Just want to run them by you before you jizz, if that’s cool.” I had to do stand-up on an urban show recently. And urban show is a little different than, like, a regular stand-up show. First of all, there’s always a DJ in the background. And sometimes he’ll chime in. Sometimes he’ll be like, “Ha-ha,” or, “That’s crazy.” I noticed all the comics, whenever they got introduced, they wouldn’t just come up and do their jokes. They would, like, dance for a little bit beforehand. The emcee would be like, “All right, I want y’all to make it loud for D Ram!” “DJ, cut that shit.” “Yeah, how y’all feeling tonight? Y’all good?” Every single one of them did that. I went first on the show. I didn’t know that was an option. Next time I get booked on the show, I want to do that but, like, dance for way to long. They’re like, “All right, I want y’all to make it loud for Fahim Anwar!” “DJ, cut that shit.” Yeah. “Yeah, how y’all feeling tonight? Y’all…oh, I’m out of time?” “I danced for too long? Oh, my bad.” I like hip-hop. I like old-school hip-hop. Like, they were playing “Ain’t No Fun” the other day, and it just hit me, like, hip-hop when I was growing up, I feel like, was way more vulgar than it is today. There’s a part in that song where Snoop Dogg, he goes… ♪ Guess who’s back in the motherfuckin’ house ♪ ♪ With a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth ♪ It’s just so unnecessary, you know? Like, the song works without that. But Snoop’s like, “Nah, it stays.” I feel like an old man when it comes to hip-hop nowadays. I’m like, “You kids with your Kendrick Lamars, “trying to bring about social change. “Back in my day, we rapped about jizzing on faces. “That’s the rap music I know. “We rapped about gargling ball sacks. “It was a simpler time in the ’90s. “I would hop on my friend’s pegs and go to Circuit City “to get to my music. “And if he didn’t have pegs, “I’d have to balance on two tiny screws. “And if he went over a puddle, I would gash my calf, lay down in the Safeway parking lot.” I grew up on Death Row Records. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, anything they put out, I would buy. What I love about Death Row is, they would just have random women sing the hook, right? Like, nowadays, it’ll always be “featuring Beyonce” or “featuring Rihanna.” They would just have random women. Like, nobody knows the chick who goes… ♪ Doggy Doggy Doggy Dahhh ♪ ♪ Doggy Daaahg ♪ Nobody knows who the fuck that is. She’s just out there. She’s just mopping the floor at Arby’s. “You know I’m the ‘Doggy Dogg’ girl? From the ’90s.” You forget too, though. Like, remember skits? Skits used to be such a big part of the rap album. And a lot of the skits were just sound effects of them having sex with women. Like, on Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic,” there’s an entire track where all you hear is… “Yeah, you like that?” “Yeah, the doctor’s in.” How are they getting that audio? Is there a boom guy in the bedroom? Like… “Getting some great stuff, Dre. “Just keep pounding away. You’re gonna like what you hear.” Also, how insecure do you have to be, as a rapper, to put that on your album? Like, “Yo, you don’t think I’m fucking? Track eight.” It’s like, you don’t need to do that. You’re Dr. Dre. Everyone assumes you’re having a ton of sex. Like, rock stars have been around for ages. They don’t do that. You’ll never listen to a Beatles album and after “Twist and Shout,” you just hear, “Hey, I’m Paul McCartney, and I’m getting my dick sucked right now.” “It feels wonderful!” “Hey, Ringo, you got to get in on this. This girl’s slobbering all our knobs.” I saw Straight Outta Compton, the NWA movie. You guys see that? Yeah, it’s a great movie. You kind of forget that it’s a period piece, because it takes place in the mid-’90s. It feels very current, though. It feels very today. But there’s one part in the movie where you’re reminded that it’s the mid-’90s. And it’s when Eazy-E is in the hospital and the doctor tells him he has HIV, because he looks up at the doctor and he goes, “But I ain’t no faggot!” And nobody corrects him. Nobody’s like, “Eazy, that’s a term you can’t really use anymore.” Even the doctor was like, “Faggot or not, I’m afraid you have HIV.” “Sorry, Eazy.” I saw it in the movie theaters. I like whenever I’m at a movie theater and somebody has to cut across. What I’ll do is, like, I’ll fake tuck in. I’ll just do my upper half. “Yeah, you got enough room? “Yeah, you should have enough room now. “You good? “Yeah, it’s all you, bro. Yeah, not a problem at all.” Like, I pick up on movie clichés, just as a comedian. Those are, like, my favorite things. These are some of my favorite movie clichés. There’s always that scene in a movie where a girl and a guy, they get back to one of their places, and they’re making out like… like, ripping each other’s clothes off so fast. Like, what’s the rush? The only time I’ve ever gotten home and taken my pants off that fast is to take an emergency shit. “Oh, fuck, oh, shit. “Oh, fuck! “Oh! “Oh, oh… “Oh-ho-ho, god. Oh…oh..” There’s, like, a split second before it becomes a story only you know about. “Oh! “Oh-ho-ho. “Oh… Too close.” Usually it’s your own fault too. You’ll have, like, five cups of coffee and then hit the freeway during rush hour. You’re like… “Ah! “Dah, move! “Go! “Not like this. Ugh…ugh!” You start forming a contingency plan in the event you do shit your pants. “Okay, I need somewhere with a secluded area. Is there a marina nearby where I could Dexter these pants?” Just in a speedboat with no pants on. Tie your khakis to a cinder block. “Good-bye, my dark passenger.” Another scene I like is when, like, they’re making love in bed and the guy’s on top like… And then his phone rings like… “Where were we?” “I got to take this.” That would never happen in real life. Once a guy starts, nothing can derail him. There could be an earthquake. Like, “Shouldn’t we get under a doorframe?” “Buh! “If we die, we die. Sometimes my house shakes.” “Your house shakes?” “Yeah, I’m by railroad tracks.” “Is that a gas leak?” “No, I farted. Stay where you are. Don’t move.” Also, nobody talks about protection in the movies. Is everyone just straight-up raw-dogging? They’re just like… I guess it’s not as good a movie if she’s like, “Hey, do you have a condom?” And he’s like, “Uh, uh, yeah. “Ugh… “Buh… “Ah, fuck, I can never tell… “Ah, I’m losing my boner, fuck! Aah-ooh. “I guess we don’t fuck in this movie. Maybe in the sequel.” Isn’t it crazy how many sperm cells there are, and there’s just one egg? That’s high-stakes drama, right there. That should be a reality show. “Millions of sperm, one egg. “Who will be the baby? “Last week, we left off with Chad “swimming around in a circle. Will he get out of this pinch?” They’d have cool profile intros on all the sperm cells. “What’s up, my name’s Trevor. “I’m from the left nut sack. And I’m gonna fertilize the egg.” “Hello, my name is Christopher, “and I’m not here to make friends. I’m gonna fertilize the egg.” Whenever they get kicked off, they have to do that into-camera confessional. He’s like, “You know, obviously, “you know, I didn’t want to end up on the bed sheet. “Oh, fuck. Turn the cameras off, fuck.” Somebody told me I look like their Uber driver the other day. Like, why would you tell somebody that? That’s something you keep inside your brain. What compels someone to be like, “No, he has to know”? Everybody takes Uber and Lyft nowadays. I feel sorry for cab drivers. But they’re trying to trick people, like, “No, this Uber.” I’m like, “Why is your car yellow?” “Just fucking don’t worry about it. Get in.” Everybody takes Uber and Lyft because it’s slightly cheaper than a cab. But what you save in money, you pay for in conversation. You’ll be halfway through your trip and be like, “You know, I guess I never really did get over my parents’ divorce.” I don’t understand. People will talk to their Lyft drivers all day, but if their cab drivers were like, “What do you do for work?” they’d be like, “Enough with the chit-chat, Ahmed! I don’t pay you to talk.” Did you ever think that one day your cab drivers would just be random people with free time on their hands? Never. How do you not know that one day your house won’t be on fire and some 21-year-old kid with a smartphone will show up like, “Hey, what’s up, I’m your firefighter. “I was the closest one to the blaze. “Don’t worry, I brought a Super Soaker, stand back. Oh, the pressure’s building up. It’s a good sign.” “Fuck, the fire’s a lot bigger than I thought it would be.” The problem with Uber and Lyft is that it’s made getting into random cars so commonplace. You’ll get into a truck. You’ll get into an SUV. You’ll get into a Smart car. Like, I could take my car tonight, just go to a bar at 2:00 a.m., be like, “Hey, somebody get an Uber?” Some drunk guy will be like, “Catch you guys later. “It’s here. “Hey, what’s up, man? Take me.” And I could just drive to the woods and murder this guy. He would just be on his phone the whole time. “Wait, this isn’t West Hollywood. “Agh! Agh-agh!” So, you know, I’m in L.A. I do stand-up. That’s my main thing. But I’ll audition for stuff as well. And it’s not going very well. I’m getting a lot of one-and-dones. They’ll be like, “That was great. Thanks for coming in.” I’m like, “Really? It didn’t feel great.” “No, it was really good.” Like, their face gets more contorted the more they’re lying to you. “No, it was so good. “You crushed it, thank you! “So please leave. “My face hurts. I can’t keep this up.” I want to talk about one audition I had for the Disney Channel. So I went out for the role of Q-Pop, who was a hip-hop dance instructor. So there was two parts of the audition. The first part was like a regular audition. They had lines and scenes. And then the second part, they wanted you to dance, because it’s a hip-hop dance instructor. So I finished the first part of the audition, and the guy looks up at me, and he goes, “Now dance for us.” Like a Roman emperor. The only way it would have been more belittling is if he bit into a peach. “Dance for us.” “The juices.” “Bring me another peach. I’ve hit the pit.” And they didn’t have any music in the audition. No boom box. They just wanted to make it as sad as possible. So I’m just dancing… in utter silence. All you could literally hear was just the rustling of my clothes. And some of you don’t know this about me, but I used to be an aerospace engineer. I worked at Boeing for about 31/2 years before I quit to do stand-up full-time. You ever been outside your body, observing a situation in a moment in your life? There was a point during the audition where I was like, “You used to build airplanes.” “What the fuck is wrong with you?” And then I just body-rolled out of the audition. Thank you. Little bit about me. Both my parents are from Afghanistan. That never gets that response when I do the road. You could hear a pin drop normally when I say that. White people don’t know this, but I’m like the Tom Cruise of Afghanistan. No, I’m just kidding. There’s an Afghan version of Top Gun. I was the star. I mean, it’s not a big deal. No, I’m just kidding. Yeah, parents are from Afghanistan. It’s the worst time to be a brown person in America right now. It’s very strange being the most feared ethnic group in the country. It’s like, move over, black people. There’s a new kid in town. Thanks for keeping the seat warm. No, I take that back. One on one, you’d probably be more afraid of a black guy than you would me. Like, if it was a dark alley in the middle of the night, you’d be more afraid of him than me. But on public transportation… I feel like I win that one, especially if I was using a Nokia cell phone from the early ’90s. “I’m playing Snake, bro. Don’t worry about it.” Nobody with an iPhone blows themselves up, right? You’re like, this guy’s on a two-year contract, at least. We’re safe. But if it’s a shitty flip phone, you’re like, “This guy is pay-as-you-go. “He’s got nothing to lose. “Boost Mobile? Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Very over-protective parents. You know, I have to fly around a lot doing stand-up. And whenever my mom finds out about a gig, she’ll call me up the night before. She’ll be like, “I want your flight number. “I want the name of the hotel you’re staying at. I want the phone number of the comedy booker.” I’m like, “What are you gonna do with this info? “You live all the way in Seattle. Like, if I die, I die.” My mom thinks she’s Liam Neeson from Taken. Like, if something were to happen to me, she would just call the comedy booker up like, “I have a very special set of skills.” He’s like, “What are you gonna do? You’re just a mom.” “Look behind you.” “What?” “No one fucks with my son.” I’m like, “Mom, thank god I gave you his contact info. “Untie me. Sorry, boys, but I tell my mom everything.” Growing up, I was never allowed to partake in sleepovers, which is a very… See? You know what I’m talking about. White people are like, “Why? That makes no sense.” It’s a very American thing to do. It’s not a big deal. But I wasn’t allowed to, and the reason being… this is a very Middle Eastern fear… is, my parents thought that I would get molested. These are my best friends that I’ve known for years and years. I was like, “Dad, I’m not gonna get molested.” And my dad is like, “Don’t sell yourself short.” “You’re a very attractive child.” And I was like, “You’re just saying that “’cause you’re my dad. You don’t really mean it.” And he’s like, “No, pedophiles would kill “to get in those OshKosh B’Goshes. I mean, if I wasn’t your dad, I mean…” No, I’m just kidding, come on. Growing up, my dad, he would always mistake video games for real things that were happening on TV. All the time. Like, me and my brother would be playing “NBA Jam,” and my dad would walk into the room and be like, “Oh, the Lakers are playing the Celtics.” Then one of us would dunk from half court, and he’d be like, “Wow! “Wow! “That guy just did 17 front flips “before slam dunking. “That guy’s good. “What, the net is on fire from a jump shot? “This is the greatest game I’ve ever seen in my life. “What is this ‘boom shakalaka’ “the reporter keeps on talking about? Why is Will Smith on the Lakers?” It must have been super awkward for him the following day at work by the water cooler. He’s like, “You guys see that game last night? “It had to be on SportsCenter, that 17-front-flip dunk? “Then this Italian guy got in the go-kart “and was driving around town. “There’s banana peels everywhere. “There’s a big turtle shell epidemic. Be careful out there.” I’m curious. Who out here is dating? Anybody dating? Clap if you’re dating. Yeah. I’ve realized dating is essentially guys just pretending to have way more money than they really do. That’s all it is. Like, we’ll take you to some fancy French restaurant, then we’ll take you to go see a play. Even after all of that, a lot of times, a girl still won’t like you, which stings, as a man, because that means she’s not even into the rich version of you. Women like tall guys. I always hear that. They’ll be like, “I need a tall man. I like to feel safe.” It’s 2016, you don’t live in the fucking jungle. Such a bullshit excuse. Just say you like tall guys, you know? What if titties make me feel safe? Also, ladies, you can’t claim to be taller than me if you can’t even walk in the shoes that make you taller than me. They’ll be like, “I don’t date short guys. “If you’ll excuse me…oh, fuck. “Oh, shit. “Oh, fuck…oh! I’m still taller…oh!” That’s my favorite thing in the world, just watching women in high heels walk down steep hills, ’cause it’s like a baby calf being born. Why are your hands always in front of you too? Like, you’re gonna Tony Stark your way out of it? “J.A.R.V.I.S., set coordinates for the club.” Women like romantic comedies. I always hear that too. You’ll watch them and be like, “How come guys don’t act like that in real life?” But you don’t want that. You would be super turned off if guys acted like that in real life. Like, if I walked up to you and I was like, “I can’t sleep without you. “I can’t eat. I need you in my life!” They’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy?” “This guy is way too into me. It’s too much pressure.” The only time guys act like they’re in romantic comedies is when a bunch of us are together and one of us gets a text message with the promise of sex. We’ll be hanging out, and just out of nowhere, like… “Yo, this chick says she’s at my place and wants to rip my pants off.” And everyone’s like, “What are you doing? Go after her!” “Go to her. She’s the one.” I feel like, generally, women are kind of skeptical, just always, like, questioning things. Even guys you really like, just always questioning things. You’ll be on a date with a girl, overlooking the city skyline, and be like, “Hey, isn’t this beautiful?” She’ll be like, “Do you do this with all the girls?” Just fucking enjoy the view. “Is that your move? You go on dates with girls and try to have sex with them?” Yeah. That’s my move. That’s every guy’s move. Guys don’t question things. If a guy’s getting a BJ behind a Chipotle dumpster, he’s not like, “Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second. “Do you do this with all the guys? “Is that your move? “You just give beejes behind dumpsters? “I don’t want to be another notch on your belt, Becky. I thought I was a snowflake, but I’m just like the rest.” There could be a line, and we wouldn’t care. Like, “Hey, what’s up? “Is this thing moving fast or slow? Cool.” I remember one time, I went on a date, and at the end of the date, I went in for the kiss, and then I got the pull-back. Nothing makes you feel like the Elephant Man faster than the pull-back. Like, “Agh, don’t look at me! “Please love me! “Am I worthy of love? “No? Okay, sorry.” The one good thing about getting the pull-back is, at least you know where you stand in the relationship. You know, no one gets the pull-back and they’re like, “All right, so I’ll see you sometime soon?” No, you go, “It was nice knowing you.” “Which way to the cave? This way?” Just Google Maps. Word of advice, fellas, if you ever do go in for the kiss, make sure you’re at least in front of her place, because one time, I got the pull-back in a parking structure. And I’m like, I still got to drive this chick home. This is the most awkward car ride in my entire life. The turn signal had never been louder. “A lot more turns than I remember there being. It seems there’s more turns on the way back.” When I went in for the kiss, she was like, “What are you doing? What are you…stop.” I go, “What do you mean, what am I doing? “This is the fifth time we’ve hung out. Like, how do you not know this might be on the way?” Like, I hate when girls will play dumb or be oblivious to situations they’ve put themselves in. Like, some girls will be on Tinder and they’ll write, “If you’re looking to hook up, keep looking.” Hey, you’re on Tinder, not eHarmony. That’s like a girl being behind a glory hole and being like, “I hope random cocks “don’t pop through this wall. “I hope that doesn’t happen. “Why is it so hard to find a good man behind this glory hole?” A cock pops through with an engagement ring on it. “Yes, random cock, a thousand times yes! “Oh, it’s the same girth as my finger. It’s kismet.” I was driving the other day, and I was waiting for this guy to cross in front of my car, you know. And then he shoots me one of these. He goes… Like he’s Magneto. Like I’m trying to run him over but I can’t. What the fuck? “Not today.” You ever see somebody cross the street comically slow, where you’re like, this cannot be a real person? How fucking slow this person is walking. I had to wait for this elderly man. Every step was a miracle. Like, “Oh! “I’m doing it! Feet, don’t fail me now.” He was walking so slow, a black guy passed him. One time, I was waiting for a black guy to cross the street, and he was just walking in place. And then he took one step forward… and then started moonwalking. I’m like, “You’re fucking going backwards!” Like I said, I always have to fly around, doing shows. And you ever been on a flight and you catch yourself watching somebody else’s movie for way too long? I’m watching Frozen with no sound for 40 minutes. It’s in front of my own headrest, but I’m like, “I like this version. I’m already emotionally invested.” I hate flying Southwest the most, just because they’re, like, the funny airline. Everybody who works there thinks they’re a stand-up comedian, which is aggravating as a stand-up comedian, how easy the crowd is on a plane. It’s very hard to do this for a living, but on a Southwest flight, people just fucking give it up for anything. They’ll be like, “At this time, we’ll have you turn off all iPhones, BlackBerrys, and…blueberries.” And people are like… “Is that a real phone model? “That’s a fruit. “Those guys are like fucking Richard Pryor up there. “Why are you a flight attendant? Follow your dreams.” I always see families traveling together at the airport, and parents will have their little kids pulling these tiny Spider-Man suitcases that are, like, this big. Just pack for your kid. Why does a toddler need his own suitcase? I just picture this little kid waking up in the morning in his racecar bed, like, “Oh, no, I overslept for my flight to LaGuardia. “Fuck. “Let’s see, I need my Ninja Turtles. “A scoop of ice cream. “It’s a long flight. I might get hungry. “Tell the shuttle to wait for me! Tell the shuttle to wait!” […] One time I got to the gate for my flights and there was… there was like five middle eastern dudes in traditional garb. You know, they had like gowns, turbans, beards, and all the white people were freaking out. They was just like sweating bullets, like, “fuck, it’s going down,” and one of the guys he confided me. He was like “hey man how come you’re not nervous about this?” and I was like “do you think that if they were terrorists they’d be dressed up like that?” “Okay we’re going to blow up the Southwest flight tomorrow”. “So I should wear my extra big turban? To fly under the radar? Should I bring my bowling ball with a wig coming out of it? Shall I do that?” It’s crazy there’s a lot of Islamophobia going on nowadays like there’s this a munitions manufacturer in Idaho that’s selling pork coated bullets so that if you shoot and kill a Muslim person it’ll prevent them from getting into paradise. How much do you fear Muslims when you’re applying werewolf rules? What do you think is gonna happen if I get shot one of those bullets? It would be like [aaarrrggghhhh…] “what are these things?” “Pork motherfucker!” “My only weakness…” Do you think God is that technical – I’m up at the pearly gates and he’s like “look it’s a shame you got murdered but there was pork on those bullets… I’d love to let you in but rules are rules…” kachunk!.. Ahhhhhhhh!!!! It’s crazy like I’m not even like that Muslim, you know, but I find myself having to defend Islam a lot. I got into an argument with a guy, I was like “not every Muslim is a terrorist,” and he was like “there’s no white terrorists” … “I see no white terrorists bro.” I was like, “yeah but you guys have mass shooters.” And he was like “so do you…” “Oh yeah. But we just got into it.” Although I will say the closest thing white people have to a terrorist is Timothy McVeigh, the Oklahoma City bomber. He’s like the M&M of terrorism. He was so dope even Middle Eastern people were like “yeah, I give you that. He is very good. Good timing. Good execution. He’s in my top five. It goes him, chemical Ali, Mohammed Atta, Kyra’s one…” For some reason… they’re in there.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

MICHELLE WOLF: NICE LADY (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michelle-wolf-nice-lady-2017-full-transcript/

Comedian Michelle Wolf (The Daily Show with Trevor Noah) stars in her first HBO special — an hour of stand-up featuring her observations on feminism, dating, and other social issues. Nice Lady is directed by stand-up comedian and writer Neal Brennan – [music playing] – [chatter] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle Wolf! [cheering, applause] Oh, stop, stop! Thank you, thank you! Guys! Boy! What a time to be alive, huh? I probably don’t need to say this, but I should just let everyone know, – I am a feminist. – Woman: Whoo! I– yeah, one person, that’s all. Uh, that’s about average. Oh, feminism is fairly unpopular, so I should also point out I’m not, like, a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist. We all have our lines. Mine is at the bar. It’s like, “I want equal pay and a chardonnay!” Well, then, just the chardonnay. I do think as feminists we’re fighting for too many things right now. Like, there’s some feminists that are like, “We wanna be in charge of stuff and we wanna get paid the same.” And then there’s other feminists that are like, “We wanna free the nipple on Instagram.” It’s like, “Hey, can we focus? I know she’s more fun, but can we focus?” It’s like if during the Revolutionary War, if some soldiers were like, “We wanna be independent!” and then other soldiers were like, “We wanna free the nipple on Instagram!” You’d be like, “Yeah, maybe England should stay in charge of you. You sound like you’d be fairly irresponsible.” Also just logically, we focus our attention and power on one thing. We’re much more likely to get it accomplished. So, personally, I think we should go after equal pay. But if all the women voted, and we got on the same page, and we wanted to go after nipple, fine, I’ll fight nipple, I’m a team player. It’s just hard for me to even believe that that was a woman’s idea. Sounds like a man infiltrated a meeting and he was like, “We gotta get these nipples on Instagram! Did you hear we can’t? It’s not fair… for the women. You know me, my main concern is the women.” [exhales] “It’s why I call ’em ‘the women.'” And the whole debate is men are allowed to have their nipples on Instagram; women aren’t. Well, here’s an easier solution. Just get male nipples off of Instagram. I’ve never seen a man’s nipple and been like, “Oh, now my day’s better. Boy, do I love looking at those useless skin tags.” We gotta focus! We gotta focus on what we’re fighting for. Stop going after shiny objects. Like, we kept campaigning to get women on money. We’re gonna get one. I don’t care who’s on my money. I mostly use a credit card, and there’s a picture of a cat on that. And I picked it, ’cause I’m the person you think I am. There were a ton of options. I was like, “Cat.” And then I saw a second cat option. I was like, “I gotta open another account.” I can’t choose between two cats! I’m not a monster. No, I don’t wanna donate to your children’s charity. Like, why you wanna put a woman on a dollar, anyway? It’s not like a man’s gonna look down at it and be like, “Oh, right, I gotta start respecting these. I’m sorry, stripper, I can’t give this to you. I mean, Mrs. Stripper.” So much is happening right now. I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out how Hillary lost. I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. I think it’s ’cause no one likes her. Like, I voted for her, but I don’t like her. Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, I’d be like, “I’m sorry. I have to go to the bathroom.” And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I’d be like, “I’m sorry. I have to use the men’s room. I just made a life choice.” But you shouldn’t like Hillary. She’s a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful. We’re never gonna have a nice lady run for president. Nice ladies aren’t in charge of things. And if you’re in charge of something and you think you’re a nice lady, no one else does. [laughter and applause] There are whole email chains about how much you’re not a nice lady. And Hillary isn’t nice, she’s not fun, she doesn’t go to brunch. She eats, like, a hard-boiled egg in the morning and then nothing the rest of the day. She doesn’t even peel it. She just squashes it in her fist. She gets hungry in the afternoon and then slaps a man and goes, “Full now.” [applause] And I get it, I get not liking Hillary, but the one thing that I think is completely unforgivable is some people would be like, “Well, you know what it is? I just can’t listen to her. She has such a shrill voice,” and it’s like, [shrilly] well, sometimes… [laughter] …that’s just what happens to your voice. Sometimes you’re a person with a shrill voice, and there’s nothing you can do about it, ( increasingly shrill ) ’cause you don’t get to choose your voice! I was never like, “Oh, you know what, I’ll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside. No, no, I want it to be so shrill that if I suck the helium out of a balloon, it wouldn’t change my voice at all.” That might be a 100% real thing that happened to me. I wasn’t like, “No, leave the sexy voices for someone else. This hair will take care of the rest of it.” That’s a real one-two punch. “Hi, how are you?” [deeper] “Well, this seems like it’ll be normal.” And I get it, I get it! You don’t want four years of this voice, just like I know you don’t wanna wake up next to this voice. You don’t want me going, “Hey, good morning! Oh, you lost your boner?” This is a real wind-out-of-the-sails kind of voice! This isn’t a phone sex voice. No one’s calling in to hear, “Where do you want to put your penis?” It’s not a fun voice, I get it, but it is the voice of someone that gets shit done. It’s like, “Hey, I’m gonna keep talking unless you agree to this!” We gotta focus, ’cause a lot of times I think people think we’re moving forward, like women are moving forward, we’re making progress, and I’m like, “Is that progress?” Like, Sports Illustrated will put a plus-size model on their swimsuit issue, and a lot of women will be like, “Bravo, Sports Illustrated. You’re so innovative.” That’s not innovative! They just finally realized that men will also masturbate to fat women. You wanna be innovative? Put a completely clothed woman in there and just talk about her personality. Like, “This is Rhonda. She loves quilting. Let’s get into the detail.” Even women would be like, “I don’t wanna read that.” Also you don’t have to yell it. It’s a magazine. [chuckles] And there’s this whole wave of women right now, that we’re showing that we’re confident by posting naked or almost naked pictures online. Being like, “I don’t care what you think about my body. I’m confident. Please like and subscribe.” And it feels anti-feminist to be like, “Don’t post that,” but at the same time, I don’t know what our goal is here. I don’t know what we’re working toward. Like, I think there’s other ways to show that you’re confident. Like, I don’t think Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s ever been like, “I gotta get out of this robe and show people what I’m really about. Plus I know you’re all dying to see this little bird body.” [laughter] We want every woman to be confident and every woman to be beautiful. We have to be beautiful. Like, Bruce Jenner turned into Caitlyn, and immediately we were like, “She is so brave and beautiful.” Okay, fine, I’ll give you brave. [laughter] She wants to be who she is and she should be, but she should know who she is is an okay-looking older lady, the kind of person that if you were in a room, you’d be like, “Oh, she could help me move.” [laughter] But that’s a great trait! That’s why we should respect people, not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty friend or a friend that can help you move? Always a friend that can help you move, because then maybe you’re the pretty friend. We gotta stop, we gotta stop telling everyone they’re beautiful. We need ugly people. Ugly people get shit done. There’s no one in a lab trying to cure cancer ’cause he was just drowning in pussy. He’s working very hard to cure cancer so that later he can drown in pussy. That’s the American dream. If you want your children to be successful, tell them they’re ugly, tell them every day. And I know, parents, that’s very hard because you made a perfect angel, but you look her in the face and you say, “You have a face that means you’re gonna need to work hard.” That kid will change the world or murder you. But that’s a risk you should take for us. And I’m glad, I’m so glad we live in a world where people like Caitlyn Jenner can exist. I just wish we were saying what we really wanted to say about it, which is I’m glad you get to be who you wanna be. We should all be who we wanna be. I still fucking hate your personality. Whether you’re a man or a woman, Caitlyn, you still killed a lady with your car. Yeah. That lady’s still dead. She can’t come back as a man. [laughter] And everyone’s like, “She’s so brave, she’s such a hero.” Well, if Bill Cosby turned into a lady, would we just forget about all the rapes, like, more than we already have? He’s getting away with it. The detective work on that has been lazier than his eye. Oh, come on, I think the least we can do at this point is make fun of Bill Cosby’s eye. [applause] For years, for years people were like, “Don’t, he’s a legend.” His eye is, like, the only part of his body that was like, “I can’t do this anymore. I gotta look away.” And he was like, “One Quaalude for you, and one Quaalude for you. Shh, go to sleep.” So much is happening! We’re trying to figure out where trans people can go to the bathroom… Who saw that one coming? Probably trans people. And here’s the thing. Most politicians are men, so men are making the laws, and they think that if trans women use women’s bathrooms that women will feel unsafe, and I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what happens in a women’s bathroom. [laughter] And to be fair, we have made it very mysterious. We always go in groups, there’s a huge line outside, people go in, but they never come out… It’s a whole Willy Wonka situation. When we finally do get back to the table, we’re all giggly, and you’re like, “What happened?” And we’re like, “We can’t say. But I have new hair now. Also this is my new best friend Ashley. She’s gonna live with us.” Every woman has some sort of Ashley from the bathroom in their phone. Men do, too, but for a very different reason. So we’ve had– we’ve made bathrooms very mysterious, but in reality, in a women’s bathroom, at any point, if you see genitals, something has gone terribly wrong. We’re a very private people. No one’s walking in the bathroom being like, “Labias out, ladies! Let’s get to comparing. You’re another redhead. I wanna see that.” No, we’re private! We go in the bathroom, we go in the stall, we lock the door, we pee, poop, or cry, and then we leave. The only thing we’re ever really worried about is “Do they know I’m the one that pooped?” I tried to cough a lot and only go when the hand dryer was on… which is a crazy thing for women to worry about in a women’s bathroom. Who are you trying to impress in there? If anything, you should poop very loudly, ’cause then if there’s an attacker in there, he’ll be like, “Well, not that one!” [laughter] “I’m evil, I’m not crazy.” That’s good self-defense in general. You have to walk home late at night, fart the whole way. Be your own rape whistle. Like, “Not [imitates fart] to-[imitates fart] -day.” That’s a great strategy if you just accidentally fart in public. Like, you thought it was gonna be silent, and then your body betrayed you, next time just be like, “Yeah, that was just a warning. I’m a very dangerous person. There’s more where that came from. Now if you turn your attention back to this PowerPoint…” [laughter] “…you’ll see that third-quarter profits are on their way up.” Men, you wanna make bathrooms better for women? Get those four-year-old little boys out of there! Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls being like, “Are you my mom?” “I told you, not anymore, Kevin!” And I don’t know why men are so concerned about our bathrooms. I’m worried about your bathrooms. You don’t lock yourselves in a stall. You just stand up against a wall and watch each other pee. You have your pants undone while you’re looking at a wall. You are just ripe for the raping. [laughter and applause] And you designed both bathrooms. You gave yourselves a shittier bathroom. Give yourselves enough stalls, sit while you pee, rest those legs. You gotta be tired from stomping on us all day. [cheers and applause] Seriously, I feel bad that men don’t get to sit while they pee. You have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. You have to walk in the bathroom being like, “I’m going to poop now.” Women, we get to be like, “Hey, I’m pooping now!” [laughter] “This is a fun surprise afternoon poop.” “This has turned my day around. I’m so glad I had that yogurt this morning. Thank you, Jamie Lee Curtis.” [applause] Stop it! Stop using “We’re protecting women” as your excuse for getting things done. It’s bullshit and it’s insulting. I’ve never, ever been scared of trans people. The only people that have ever consistently scared me are straight men. You guys have a terrible track record. [cheers and applause] I like to think all those women clapping are with a guy right now, and they’re like, “I do?” No, you keep using like, “We gotta protect women from trans people.” When gay people wanted to get married, you were like, “Well, we can’t let that happen, because then they’re gonna start fucking dogs.” Yeah, you only ever said that because you thought about fucking a dog. You were like, “People want to fuck dogs,” and gay people were like, “I mean, not us.” And you were like, “Some people do! Some people love a cute little puppy butt.” [laughter] [barks] Stop it! Stop using “We’re protecting women” as your excuse. I was on a date. A guy offered to walk me to my door. He was like, “I just want to make sure you get home safe.” That’s bullshit! That’s not why you’re walking me to my door. That’s your last-ditch effort to touch a boob. At that point in the night, the most dangerous thing at my door is you! And if a robber came by, I don’t think you’d be able to do anything about it, ’cause earlier that night at dinner, I learned you have a gluten allergy! [laughter] You can’t protect me from a biscuit. Also, that’s why you’re not coming up. There’s nothing less sexy than hearing a guy be like, “Well, I can’t eat bread.” ‘Cause I’m gonna need you to be okay with yeast. [laughter and applause] But did you get it? I just wanna make sure you got it. I’d hate for there to be someone in the back being like, “I didn’t get the yeast part.” Go home, call your mom. She’ll tell you all about it. And there are so many big things happening right now. Like, the environment is in terrible shape, and most people pretend that they care about it. I don’t believe anyone actually does. If anyone actually cared about the environment, there’s no way fountains would still exist. Fountains are a real big fuck-you to thirsty people. Imagine bringing a little kid from a third-world country to see a fountain. He’d be like, “Look at all the water! Can I have a sip?” And you’d have to be like, “Oh, no, no! That’s for decoration.” “Well, can I at least grab the money out of it?” “No, those are wishes…” “that were thrown there by people that can afford to throw money. And you know what they didn’t wish for? Water. Now, come on, I’m gonna show you a water park. That’s where the water’s for peeing in.” But climate change, it is a real big deal, and everyone says, “Mother Nature.” And I do believe nature is a woman, because she’s trying to kill us in the most passive-aggressive way possible. It’s not some sort of immediate fire or flood or a cool explosion. She’s just like, “What? I raised the temperature a little.” [laughter and applause] “Oh, are you uncomfortable? Well, maybe I wouldn’t have if you’d taken out the recycling like I asked! I’m fine.” Nature is a woman, and she hates us women. She hates us! She gave us all the icky stuff. She’s a mean girl. We’re the ones that bleed every month. She made orgasms impossible to find. We’re supposed to have the babies and then feed them? That seems like a thing you could’ve split up. There were two people involved in that! You got most of the way! You gave men nipples! What happened? All of a sudden at the last second you were just like, “You know what, we’re gonna keep it over here with women. But, men, hang on to those nipples. Do whatever you want with them.” And we’re the ones that have the babies, and she made the hole too small, way too small. That’s a real square-peg, round-hole situation. It’s a design flaw. If every time an elevator went down a building it broke the building… [laughter] …you’d be like, “We should fix that.” Every time I hear a woman talk about giving birth– honestly talk about giving it, not the Facebook version of like, “This is magical and I’m blessed”– honestly talk about giving birth, it always feels like the beginning of an infomercial where some guy’s gonna pop out and be like, “Are you tired of a hole ripping from your vagina to your butt? Is pooping on a table in front of strangers leaving you feeling embarrassed? Have you been pushing for 20 hours with no end in sight, thinking, ‘There’s gotta be a better way!’ Well, there’s not!” [applause] And that is why I don’t recycle. ‘Cause if Mother Nature’s not gonna take care of my house, I’m not gonna take care of her house! Also, recycling is very hard. [laughter] I do think, though, there’s a really serious problem right now that no one’s talking about. I think right now it’s a really hard time to be a man. You guys are struggling. You can’t be the first to do anything anymore. You’ve done almost everything. It’s almost like there’s no reason for you to live. [laughter] It’s a great time to be a woman. I mean, we’re at rock bottom, but we can only go up. We’ll still have the first female president, the first woman on the moon, the first woman to assassinate a president… [laughter and applause] It’s exciting! It could be you! I think it would be very easy for a woman to assassinate a president. She just had to be beautiful and walk up and be like, “I just wanna talk to the president for a second.” [laughter] “Please?” I’m posed like all my bones are broken. [laughter] We haven’t had a female assassin because women are too nice. We’ve got close enough to kill the president, but instead we just end up having sex with him. That’s a very nice thing that we do. In general, I don’t think we’re thanked enough for that. Think about it. Monica Lewinsky had the president’s dick in her mouth. She could’ve assassinated him. She could’ve been selfish and gotten anything she wanted. If you don’t think you can get anything you want when you just have a regular guy’s dick in your mouth, next time bite down just a little and see if he isn’t immediately like, “Yeah, fine, we can go on vacation with your sister! Just release, release!” Try it when you go home tonight. It’ll be fun. She had the leader of the free world’s dick in her mouth. She could’ve assassinated him, she could’ve gotten anything she wanted, but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him, and then we were mean to her for being a nice lady. I thought at least men would’ve stood up for her and been like, “Hey, that woman’s a patriot!” But it’s a good time to be a woman. We’re on our way up. It’s exciting for us. But, men, you’re done! It’s over! There’s nothing new for you to do. You’ve been to the moon! You’ve been all the presidents! Even if you were like, “I’m gonna win an Olympic medal and then turn into a lady,” you’d be the second! [laughter and applause] I feel bad for men. I think it’s a really hard time to be a man right now. You have a ton of erection medicine. I hope everything’s okay. Seems like it might not be. And I’m glad you guys have erection medicine. I think that’s great. A soft penis is very sad. A soft penis looks like the sound of sad. [laughter] You know, like, wow. If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft penis, he’d be like, “I know you’re talking about sad. Thank you.” That’s actually how they taught Helen Keller. They just let her feel a soft penis, and she was like, “This means sad.” [laughter] “Thank you for teaching me this new word.” It’s the only way you could’ve done it. I actually think a soft penis feels very neat. Every woman in here, if you had a soft penis at your desk at work, you would play with it all day. It’s soft and squishy. It’s a stress reliever. Sometimes I’ll have a soft penis in my hand, and it’ll get hard, and I’m like, “Hey, you’re ruining my good time. This is less fun now.” How I feel about soft penises is as close as I’ll ever get to understanding about how men feel about boobs. ‘Cause those are also soft and squishy. I’m guessing that’s part of their appeal. Now, imagine when you felt them, if all of a sudden they got rock hard. You’d be like, “These seem like weapons.” That’s how we feel about your penis. But it’s good. You guys got erection medicine, that’s great. No one should have a broken body part. But you make it hard for women to get birth control, and that’s not fair. That’s like saying, “Let’s have a duel, but only one of us gets a gun, and on average that gun shoots 20 million bullets.” And we’re just asking for a shield, and you’re like, “No.” We don’t even want another gun. We just want a shield. We’re saying you can have all the players on both hockey teams. We just want one goalie. It doesn’t even have to be your best goalie! We’ll take your third-string goalie! You can give the Zamboni guy a stick. We just need someone to hit a couple pucks away! [laughter and applause] Even cars get windshield wipers. Come on, give us a chance! There’s a downpour. [laughter] We should be constantly given birth control! It should be annoying. Like, when you leave a restaurant, instead of mints it should be birth control. When you push a door instead of pull it, birth control should pop out. Like, “You’re not ready yet.” [laughter] “Let’s work on some other skills.” It’s a human! You’d be making a human! It should be hard to make a human! It’s hard to make a croissant. [laughter] It takes three days to make a croissant! You can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom. Like, how many people here have successfully made a croissant? How many people here have accidentally made a human? And those two people are never the same, ’cause croissant-makers are planners. And they’re usually a little less fun. Now, if when you had sex you accidentally made a croissant, that would be great. [laughter and applause] Finally, women would be like, “No, I’m paying for the drinks, and we’re leaving now. Drink it up, little lady, we’re going home! I’m hungry and I want a flaky snack!” Then finally men would be like, “I feel like you’re just using me for the croissant. I mean, I don’t care, I just want you to know how I feel.” [laughter] And if having sex with a black guy meant you got a chocolate croissant, that “never go back” thing would be 100% true. [laughter and applause] Even white men would be like, “Go! I get it! Go! You have to go! The croissants are better! And bring one home.” It should be hard. It should be hard to have a human. We have enough. We don’t need as many as we used to. At this point, if you wanna have a baby, you should have to take a test or two. Something simple, like, “Let me see your iPhone screen. Oh, it’s cracked? Then no!” [laughter and applause] You can’t carry a phone, you can’t carry a baby. They’re wigglier. I don’t want to have a baby. This isn’t an abortion joke. I’m not pregnant. I’m not like, “I don’t want to have a baby, and I gotta get out of here!” I don’t want to have a baby or a family. I want a career. That’s what I want. And I know there’s a lot of people out there that are like, “But, Michelle, you don’t have to choose. You can have it all. Women can have it all.” Yeah, stop saying that. You act like “all” is good. “All” does not mean good. You’ve never left an all-you-can-eat buffet and thought, “I feel really good about myself.” [laughter and applause] “Mm, that crab and pudding is sitting really well together. I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs.” “All” is not good. And even if we do try to have it all, even if a woman out there definitely wants it all, we’ve put up too many obstacles in your way to make it possible. It’s like, “Oh, congratulations, you’re having a baby? Great. Couple things… We’re gonna need you to get that car accident of a body back to work as soon as possible, because this is America and we don’t think you need time to recover. Also, you should breastfeed. It’s what’s best for the baby. But don’t do it in public, you pig. Do it in the old janitor’s closet underneath the bridge with the rest of the breastfeeding trolls. And don’t ask to take time off from work when your kids are sick. We’ll think you’re not dedicated. Also, why are you such a bad mom? By the way, your salary is just enough to cover the cost of childcare. And we know you’re exhausted and you don’t really know who you are anymore, and you’re trying to balance your old life and your new life, but, quick, go have sex with your husband! He’s about to leave! He doesn’t understand what you’re going through! Quick, go now! And, sweetie, smile!” [cheering and applause] I don’t want it. Men don’t try to have it all. They’re just like, “I got a job and a sandwich. I’m good. My wife says if I behave for another year, she’ll give me a section of the garage where I can sit.” [laughter] “I love sitting.” I don’t want to be a mom. I wouldn’t mind being a dad. [laughter and applause] That seems like more fun, and there are great dads out there. There are very good dads out there, but a great dad is still just an okay mom. A fork is a shitty spoon. I know, I can’t be a dad. It’s very upsetting. I don’t wanna be a mom, so I want a career. And I thought knowing what I wanted in life made me special, but it really just kind of makes me a waste. Like, having a baby is arguably the coolest thing your body can do. Like, I have a friend who has one arm, and then she just had a baby that had two arms. [laughter] You can make shit you don’t even have! Also, how pissed did she have to be when she saw that sonogram, like, “Two arms?! This is bullshit! I give this sonogram one thumbs down!” Imagine how frustrating it would be to be tying your shoe with one hand knowing you have two new hands growing inside of you that you’re not allowed to keep! Two new hands that you will push out of your body that will walk away, wave good-bye, and never love you as much as they should. Not to mention you can grow a penis inside a vagina, like the world’s most terrifying greenhouse! Find me a horror movie with a scarier plot! It is the coolest thing your body can do. Me not wanting to have a baby is like a bird being like, “No, I’ll walk.” “Okay, but you’re built to fly.” “I know. I’m gonna walk. And believe me, these wings work. We’ve had to cancel a couple flights.” That was the abortion joke. [laughter and applause] You have to have one. Joke or abortion. I don’t know, take your pick. We care so much about how we look! Women, we put in so much effort into being beautiful. And I think we should be more like men ’cause they don’t really care about their bodies, and look at them! They’re successful! They’re presidents! They’re CEOs! You never heard a CEO go, “I wanna get profits up and keep costs down and love me for me!” You know who should care about their bodies? Men! You have weird bodies, men! You’re gross! Your balls are gross! I’ve never seen a guy and been like, “Oh, I can’t wait to get his pants off and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs!” What is it? It’s like a goblin’s coin purse. It’s like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar? You’re like, “Please be grapes.” Balls seem like a real God whoopsy. It’s like when you’re putting together furniture and you have a couple leftover pieces, and you’re like, “Aah! Those were supposed to go somewhere. They look important. I guess I’ll hang ’em from a satchel!” Even the name sounds like a mistake! Like, “What are you gonna call ’em?” [gruffly] “Scrotum!” “Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a bad time. I’m so sorry.” You are so lucky that we get our faces near them! If a woman puts your balls in her mouth, you should pay her a lot of money. And not like a prostitute kind of way. In like, “That was a very nice thing you just did, and I don’t know how to say thank you. Here is some money.” It’s a selfless act! It’s selfless! There’s not a single woman in the world sitting around in her book club being like, “You know what gets me off? A lumpy skin sac hanging out my mouth.” I don’t know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy. Your balls are saggy! You wear a bra! And you make it fancy! You dress up for me! [laughter and applause] I get one wrinkle, my career is over. I have to put paint on my face to leave my home, and you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly, dangly bags of crap. You should have to put makeup on them! Or, at the very least, googly eyes. I don’t know if that would be better or worse, but it would be fun. “He’s happy! He’s sad! He lost his boner.” A real Mr. Magoo. And the thing is, I think we should all be ashamed of our bodies, every single one of us! Like, that’s why we wear clothes! That’s why animals have fur! You ever seen a shaved cat? You look that cat in the eyes, and you’re both ashamed. If you saw a turtle outside of its shell, you’d be like, “Get the fuck back inside your shell!” I don’t care how confident you are in your weird, turtle-y body. Also, can we be sure that turtles have bodies? Is it just a head and feet? It seems like it might be a scheme. And I’m the worst, because I say we shouldn’t care about how we look, but I work out all of the time. I run every day. I love running. I have no idea what I’m training for. ‘Cause I am not physically gaining any skills. Like, the only way working out is ever gonna help me in life is that at some point someone tries to rob or rape me by chasing me for three to five miles at a moderately slow pace. From the beginning, if some guy’s like, “Watch out! I’m gonna rape you!” I’m like, “Nuh-uh, not unless you can keep this up for 30-ish minutes. Although, I’m gonna have to stop about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. Could you help me with that? No funny stuff! Could you help me with that?” Women, we spend so much time trying to be beautiful. We spend so much time when ugly things are constantly happening to us. Like, every month we get our period. I know… we’re not supposed to talk about it. It’s very nice that we don’t talk about it. It is the only time a human is bleeding and that’s not what the conversation is about. Like, if Paul got his arm ripped off and it was shooting blood and he walked into the office… I should tell you, a couple of my guy friends have come up to me after the show and been like, “Hey, you shouldn’t use arm-ripping-off as your example. It’s too extreme.” “Oh, is it?” One of them actually said, “You should use nosebleed instead.” “Oh, you think it’s like a nosebleed?” [laughter and applause] All this time, I could’ve just tipped my hips up and it would’ve gone away. I’m such a dumb lady! Both arms viciously torn from his body! [laughter and applause] It’s torn from his body, he walks into the office, no one’s gonna be like, “How are the expense reports coming, Paul?” And Paul wouldn’t be expected to respond, “Great! And I feel fine. Just a normal day for me. Nothing weird happening here. I don’t want to murder you.” Paul wouldn’t be sneaking off to a corner of his office to see if blood had gone through his bandage. That’s happening at your work. Women are walking around being like, “Did I tie my shoe? Oh, I’m good, never mind.” [laughter and applause] And you poor, dumb men are like, “She doesn’t even have laces! Carol’s having a weird day.” The only thing you ever really ask about periods is “When is it gonna be over?” And we always give you the same answer. “Soon.” ‘Cause we have no fucking clue. It could be over in 20 minutes, it could be over in ten days. It can be over in three days and then take a break for two days, and then come back for a day. It can be gone, and then we just put on clean underwear and it’s like, “I smell white.” [laughter and applause] A period’s like an outdoor cat. You know it’s coming back, but you have no idea when. And it’s probably gonna have a mouse. I don’t know what mouse is in that analogy, but it’s gross. Every day, every day, at some point during your day, you talk to a woman who has her period and you don’t know it because she says things to you like, “I’m good. How are you?” when all she wants to do is lay down on the ground and fart. [laughter] That’s it, and like a fart you never even heard before. A fart that after you heard it, you’d be like, “I don’t know who you are as a person.” Like, men, if you don’t know the kind of fart I’m talking about, it’s the kind of fart you leave a party for. One where you’re like, “Get your coat! We gotta go! No, it’s not safe here anymore! Something might’ve happened! Get your coat!” Like, “But, honey, we’re on a cruise ship.” “It doesn’t matter! We’re going swimming!” That kind of fart. A lady fart. You know that picture of Marilyn Monroe where her skirt’s blowing up? Yeah, that wasn’t an air grate. That was a period fart. Masturbate to that. You also say things like, “Why are you so emotional? Why are you so emotional?” Well, maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t shit in a week and I got a turd the size of Danny DeVito inside of me. Just a real angry Danny DeVito who’s like, “I’m not going anywhere! I was the star of Twins.” That’ll make anybody cry. I think if men got periods, we’d have a three-week work month. They’d be like, “Let’s sync up. We gotta take a week.” But I also think if men got periods, they would’ve figured out a better way to deal with it. They would’ve demanded a better way to deal with it. They’d be like, “All the money in science, we got a problem. Put down your cancer tubes. We got a problem. We’ll save the children another day. Now bring the monkeys. The monkeys can help. It’s all hands on deck over here.” And those poor monkeys are like, “I have to get lipstick put on me. Every day I got to feel pretty. I don’t want to work on periods.” Women, it’s our fault we’re not further along in period technology. ‘Cause we’re okay that our best solution is a rolled-up piece of cotton. We’re okay that our best solution is a craft project from a special kid, one who was like, “I made you a Christmas ornament.” The only advancement we’ve made is sometimes they’re smaller. Because that was the problem. We were causing too much of a commotion carrying our bazookas to the bathroom. Women trade tampons stealthier than drug dealers trade heroin. [laughter and applause] I’ve given out four tampons since I’ve been onstage. If there was only women dealing drugs in The Wire, no one would’ve gotten caught. Stringer Bell would still be alive. Stringer Bell is what I call taking out a tampon. Is that gross? ‘Cause a woman did it today and then shook your hand and said, “I’m good. How are you?” [laughter and applause] I’m single. – [laughter] And I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don’t want a kid. I don’t want anything in my life to be more important than me. And maybe that’s selfish and mean, but the jig is up: I’m not a nice lady. [laughter and applause] And a lot of my friends, they’ll say things like, “But aren’t you scared of dying alone?” Is that why you got married? So you wouldn’t die alone? So you’d have five minutes before you died where you’re like, “Well, this isn’t the worst. Those 40 miserable years were wor–” [laughter] He died. [laughter] I’m not scared of dying alone. I’m terrified of people seeing how I live. I live like a divorced dad who’s not trying to get custody of his kids back. There’s just hot sauce in the fridge. One side of my bed is covered in laundry. It’s now in the shape of a person, and every morning when I wake up, I roll over and I’m like, “Today I’ll try to be better.” I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t even like dating. I don’t. Sometimes I try to do it. Sometimes I try to be a nice, normal lady. I’ll go out on a date. I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. I thought that’d be fun– a big, strong guy who could pick you up and then set you down in a controlled manner. The date was not fun. All he talked about was exercise, and then finally in the restaurant we were in, that song “Empire State of Mind” came on. You guys know that song, right? ♪ New York, concrete jungle ♪ ♪ Where dreams are… ♪ He sang the whole song, both Jay-Z and Alicia’s parts. This joke is three minutes long. That song is four and a half minutes long, which means after this joke is over, he’d still be singing for a minute and a half. You know if someone sings at you for more than four minutes, you’re legally allowed to kill them? [laughter] So, finally, the bill comes. It’s $84. He throws down 40 and he goes, “Is that enough?” And, listen, I’m an independent woman, I’ll pay for half my meal, but that’s not half. So, I never really want to see this guy again, but he keeps texting me. And one day he just sent me a picture of his bed. And I didn’t know how to respond. I was like, “Congratulations on making your bed?” So, one of my friends goes, “Just text him you’re not interested.” And then my other friend goes, “Text him the weirdest stuff possible. Then he’ll leave you alone.” I was like, “That’s the one I’m gonna do.” And I’m gonna read them to you now. [laughter and applause] I took screenshots of them, and I just have to scroll through a ton of selfies to get there. And I know a lot of people don’t like selfies. They think you shouldn’t take them. I think you should take them and you should post them, but you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. Like, “This is me looking cute 67.” Okay, can you just confirm that these are real text messages? Yeah, those look pretty real. All right, you heard it from that guy with a puka-shell necklace. [laughter] I guess we’ll have to trust him! No one’s ever said that about a guy with a puka-shell necklace before. They’ve been like, “I gotta cover this drink.” [laughter and applause] He goes, “Hey, Michelle.” I go, “Hey, Wildcat.” That’s a pretty strong start. We’ve been on one date. “Wildcat” is an aggressive nickname out of the gate. “‘Wildcat?’ LOL. That’s new. Kinda like it. What made you choose that nickname?” And I go, “Just something tick-tocking in my old noggin.” [laughter] That should be it, right? If someone texted you that, you’d be like, “Oh, she’s insane. I have to never talk to her again.” But instead, he comes back with “Love it! Keep it up. How was your day?” And, honestly, I get a little excited at this point, because he’s still holding on, and I know I can just shift it into a higher gear to lose him. I feel like I’m in a car chase, and all of a sudden I’m like, “All right, buddy!” [imitates engine revving] That’s a pretty good car sound. He goes, “How is your day?” and I respond with, “Still chipping away at the ham.” [laughter] That’s not a saying! For that to be a saying, it means that at some point in time, people spent their day chipping ham, and it took so long, they’d have to send word to their loved ones, “Honey, I’m sorry. I can’t come home for dinner tonight. I’m still chipping away at the ham. You know, at my job at the ham-chip factory.” Which does sound delicious. And this is how I knew he was a formidable opponent. He came back with, “Shit, make sure you leave a slice for me, too!” [laughter] “And by the way, I have the honey to go alongside the ham.” Gross! What’s the honey? I don’t want the honey! Take the honey away! If the honey’s what I think it is, no woman has ever wanted the honey. Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, but, honestly, it’s an inconvenience. Most of the time we’re like, “Hey, wipe this up. I’m getting sticky!” So, I don’t respond. I need time. I need to regroup. I need to train. Normally when I’m this stressed out, I go to the gym, but I can’t do that. Couple of days later he texts me, “Hi, Wolfgang. LOL.” And I 100% believe he LOL’d at that. [laughter] He was like, “She gave me a nickname. I’m gonna give her a nickname. Wolfgang! Ha-ha! I am the best.” “Hi, Wolfgang. LOL. I was wondering if you’d accompany me Friday night. I’m taking some of my clients out for their birthday.” And I responded with, “No dice, Squirrel Man! Got plans on plans on waffles.” [laughing] That is some of the best work I’ve ever done. I’m pretty sure Squirrel Man is a huge downgrade from Wildcat. If someone started calling me Wildcat and then switched to Squirrel Man, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, what did I do?” And I don’t know what “plans on plans on waffles” means, but it’s too much before breakfast. And this bitch comes back with “Oh, cool, make sure you don’t forget the syrup.” [laughter] And I don’t know what to do at this point, because I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with me, and I think maybe I’m falling in love with him. So I text him “I love you,” and then I never heard from him again. [laughter and applause] Thanks a lot, guys! You’ve been great! I’m Michelle Wolf! ♪ She was an American girl ♪ ♪ Raised on the promises ♪ ♪ She couldn’t help thinking that there ♪ ♪ Was a little more to life ♪ ♪ Somewhere else ♪ ♪ After all, it was a great big world ♪ ♪ With lots of places to run to ♪ ♪ Yeah, and if she had to die ♪ ♪ Tryin’ she had one little promise ♪ ♪ She was gonna keep ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ All right ♪ ♪ Take it easy, baby ♪ – ♪ Make it last all night ♪ – ♪ Make it last all night ♪ ♪ She was an American girl. ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL HICKS: LIVE AT LAFF STOP, AUSTIN, TX, AND COBBS, SAN FRANCISCO, CA (1993) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-live-at-laff-stop-austin-tx-and-cobbs-san-francisco-ca-1993/

Recorded Live at Laff Stop, Austin, TX, and Cobbs, San Francisco, CA (Spring and Summer 1993) Well, folks, this is kind of a sentimental evening for me because . . . this is my final live performance I’ll ever do, ever. No biggie, no, no, no, no, no hard feelings, no sour grapes whatsoever. I’ve been doing this sixteen years, enjoyed every second of it – every plane flight, every [. . .], every delay, every canceled flight, every lost luggage, living in hotel rooms, every broken relationship, playing the Comedy Pouch in Possum Ridge, Arkansas, every fucking year. It’s been great, don’t get me wrong. But the fact of the matter is, the reason I’m gonna quit performing is I finally got my own TV show coming out next fall on CBS. So – thank you. I know. It is not a talk show. (heavy breathing) Dear God, thank you, thank Jesus, thank Buddha, thank Mohammad, thank Allah, thank Krishna, thank every fucking god in the book. (heavy breathing) Please rela— (heavy breathing) No, it’s not a talk show: it’s a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled ‘Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus’. So y’all be tuning in? Cool, cool. Cool, it’s a fairly self-explanatory plot, ah . . . Each week we let the hounds of hell loose and we chase that jar-head, no-talent, cracker asshole all over the globe . . . till I finally catch that fruity little ponytail of his in the back, pull him to his knees, put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black cock of death (shotgun boom) and we’ll be back in ’95 with ‘Let’s Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton’. So. Thank you very much. I’m just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious and making us pay a higher psychic price than we imagine. In fact, that’s how I pitched it to the networks exactly, I said ah . . . ‘I’d like to do a show where I rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious’, and the guy at CBS said, ‘Will there be titty?’ And ah I said, ‘Sure, I don’t know, sure.’ Boom! A cheque falls in my lap and ah . . . I’m a producer. I never knew it was that easy. All these years I been trying to write scripts and characters and plots and stories that had meaning. ‘Will there be titty?’ Sure. Boom! I’m a . . . I’m a producer now. ‘Where’ve you been all our life, boy? We been lookin’ for you in Hollywood. What are these titties gonna do? Jiggle? You’re a fuckin’ genius. Give him another cheque. I can’t write enough cheques for you. You’ve answered our prayers in Hollywood. Jiggling titties, who would have thunk of it?’ I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus . . . by telling our children a giant bunny-rabbit . . . left chocolate eggs in the night. Now . . . I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race. Anybody? Anybody got any clues out there? Where do you get this shit from, you know? Why those two things, you know? Why not goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer, you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog-wild, you know? At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back, going across your floor to your sock drawer, has a miraculous connotation to it. ‘Mummy I woke up today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer.’ ‘That’s the story of Jesus.’ Who comes up with this shit? I read the Bible, I can’t find the word ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book. D’y’all have different books of the Bible than I do? Are y’all Gideons? Who are the fucking Gideons? Ever met one? No! Ever seen one? No! But they’re all over the fucking world, putting Bibles in hotel rooms. Every hotel room: ‘This Bible was placed here by a Gideon.’ When? I’ve been here all day. I ain’t seen shit. I saw the housekeeper come and go, I saw the minibar guy come and go, I’ve never laid eyes on a fucking Gideon. What are they – Ninjas? Where are they? Where’re they from – Gidea? What the fuck are these people? I’m gonna capture a Gideon. I’m gonna make that my hobby. I am. I’m gonna call the front desk one day: ‘Yeah, I don’t seem to have a Bible in my room.’ People suck and that’s my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-A-Sketch, I’ll do it in three minutes to prove the fact, the factorum, I’ll show my work, case closed. I’m tired of this backslapping, aren’t humanity neat bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes, OK? That’s all we are. What do you say we ah . . . lighten things up and talk about abortion. You know . . . I feel like I’m losing some of you here and I wanna win all of you back with this one. Let’s talk about abortion. Let’s talk about child-killing, and see if we can’t get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let’s talk about mass murder of young, unborn children, see if we can’t coalesce into one big healthy gut-laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, I’ve never seen an issue so divisive. You ever seen – it’s like a civil war, in’it? Even among my friends, who are all very intelligent, they are totally divided on abortion. It’s unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks . . . How are we gonna come to a consensus? You oughta hear the arguments around my house. They’re annoying, they’re idiots, they’re evil, they’re FUCKS! Brothers, sisters, come together. Can’t we once just join hands and think of them as evil, annoying idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that’s me, Libra rising: the Scales. And, strangely enough, Shiva the Destroyer. (laughs) Who would have thunk it? ‘We’re pro-life.’ Ooh, you look it. Look like you’re filled with life. All the little kids: ‘Please don’t adopt me, please don’t adopt me.’ ‘We’re your new Christian pro-life parents.’ ‘Oh, where’s the tower, where’s the gun, where’s the tower, where’s the gun? I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. (gunshot sounds) Does my penis make me a bad boy? That’s what they told me.’ (gunshot sounds) Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block. The ones that have the good albums. Suddenly I’m adopted by the Flanders, you know. ‘Hi Bill, in’it a beautiful God-created morning?’ Heurf! ‘We’re pro-life’. What does that make me? You know what I mean? You’re so pro-life, you’re so pro-life, do me a fucking favor. Don’t block med-clinics, OK? Lock arms . . . and block cemeteries. Let’s see how fucking committed you are to this premise. ‘She can’t come in.’ ‘She was ninety-six. She was hit by a bus.’ ‘There’s options.’ ‘What, have we gotta have her stuffed? What are you talkin’ about? She’s dead.’ ‘We’re pro-life. Get her out of that casket, get her out! She’s not going. We’re pro-life people. They’ll be no death on this planet.’ Pro-life. And I always think, you see my theory, here’s my actual theory beyond ah . . . the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here’s my real theory, so: if you’re so pro-life and you’re so pro-child, then adopt one that’s already here that’s very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it, to get it out of a horrible situation. OK? People say, ‘Why don’t you do that?’ and I say, ‘Cos I hate fuckin’ kids and could care less.’ Couldn’t give a fuck. Don’t care at all about abortion. It’s your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that three-month-old kid in your belly is not a fuckin’ human being, OK? It’s a bunch of little congregated cells. You’re not a human . . . till you’re in my phone book. (laughs) There. My hat is now in the political ring. There is a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people: come together! ‘No!’ We’re kinda having trouble getting off the boards, but you know. ‘Are you gonna be there?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Then I ain’t fucking coming.’ ‘You’re our strongest member.’ ‘Fuck you!’ ‘That’s what I’m talking about, you asshole.’ ‘Fuck off!’ Damn, we almost had our meeting going. It’s so hard to get my people together. (quietly) Dont give a fuck about little fucking kids. ‘I’m pro-life.’ God, I wanna hang with you and play Twister. ‘That’s pornographic.’ Damn! I hate playing with the pro-life people. And oddly enough, that face . . . is the exact same face . . . non-smokers have, too. ‘I’m a non-smoker. I’m pro-life. I’m a pro-life non-smoker.’ Let the party begin. Ow, (singing) do do do do do do. I been getting that look a lot recently, cos I started smoking again. (audience cheers) See, I don’t know how with a support group like you I fucking failed, you know? Damn it. How did I fail with y’know, everyone helping me out? ‘Bill’s gonna kill himself, whoooooo! Bill’s gonna lose a lung, yeahhhhh!’ [. . .] No, but I’ve been getting that look a lot lately, cos I started smoking again and . . . performing abortions, so. I mean everywhere I turn now, you know what I mean? I don’t wanna get out of bed most days to be honest with you. Scraping a uterus here, it don’t bother me. Is this bad for a dead foetus? Is this – oh, once the baby’s dead this doesn’t matter, does it? OK. Hate to hurt the little piece of flesh in there. Don’t let the clothes fool ya, it’s still fucking me! But I’ve always found religion to be fascinating. Ideas such as how people act on their beliefs. Pro-lifers murdering doctors. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pro-lifers murdering people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I . . . ah, you know, it’s irony on a base level but I like it. You know what I mean? It’s real basic irony, but still you can get a hoot. It’s a hoot. It’s a fucking hoot. ‘We’re pro-life, and we’ll kill your ass.’ That’s what fundamentalism breeds though, no irony, you see. They take the word literally, you know. Fundamentalists, yeah, yeah. Well, once again I recommend a healthy dose of ah . . . psilocybin mushrooms ah. Three weeks ago two of my friends and I went to a ranch in Fredericksburg, Texas, and took what Terence McKenna calls ‘a heroic dose’. Five dried grams. Let me tell you, our third eye was squeegeed quite cleanly. (makes squeaking sound) Wow! (makes squeaking sound) And I’m glad they’re against the law. Cos you know what happened when I took ’em? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours, going, ‘My God . . . I love everything.’ The heavens parted, God looked down and rained gifts of forgiveness . . . on to my being, healing me on every level, psychically, physically, emotionally. And I realized our true nature is spirit, not body, that we are eternal beings, and God’s love is unconditional: ’n’ there’s nothing we can ever do to change that. It is only our illusion that we are separate from God, or that we are alone. In fact the reality is we are one with God and he loves us. Now, if that isn’t a hazard to this country. Do you see my point? How are we gonna keep building nuclear weapons, you know what I mean? What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s gonna fuck up the economy! The economy that’s fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government’s cracking down . . . on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah. It’s interesting, introducing the two drugs that are illegal – alcohol and cigarettes – two drugs that do absolutely . . . nothing for you whatsoever, and drugs that grow naturally upon this planet, drugs that open your eyes up, to make you realize how you’re being fucked every day of your life. Those drugs are against the law. Wow! Coincidence? I don’t know. I’m sure their motives are pure. But ah . . . isn’t that great? Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour. ‘Hee hee he ha ha ha ha! This grew on cow turds! Heaven is in a cow’s butt! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I know where heaven is!’ ‘Where?’ ‘In a cow’s ass! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Zchurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Oh my God! Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I may know only reality and only you.’ Stuff like that. ‘I took mushrooms and went to Astroworld and I had a really bad time.’ You’re a moron. They are sacred. Go to nature. Who wants to be on the Black Dragon, tripping. I would fucking be puking, man, about fifty yards, with each hurl of the Black Dragon. (screeches) Possessed Dragon. I just think it’s interesting to see how people act on their beliefs, you know what I mean? Cos all your beliefs, they’re just that. They’re nothing, they’re how you were taught and raised. That doesn’t make ’em real. That’s why I always recommend a psychedelic experience, cos it does make you realize everything you learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily true. There’s dick jokes on the way, please relax. (laughs) You’re going, ‘This guy better have some good dick jokes, I’ll tell you that, honey. I mean, this guy better have a big, long, purple-vein dick joke to pull himself out of this comedy hole.’ Throw down the big purple-vein dick and I crawl out of it and that’s gonna be the joke at the end. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, hey, the clown got the laugh: cool. OK folks . . . it’s confession time. It’s a confession in the way of a question. Is anyone here like me in that they are compelled, obsessed and drawn beyond their will . . . to watch the show Cops60 every fucking night? I’m not alone? (hysterically) Oh, thank God! Thank God! I thought I was alone! Hi, I’m Bill and I’m a Cops watcher. ‘Hi Bill.’ I am OBSESSED by that fucking show. I can’t . . . I can’t not watch it. I’m like a guy with a sore tooth: I can’t quit touching it, you know. Ow, ow. Oh, Cops is on. Ow . . . owwww. I’ve never been in so many trailer parks, ever. Ow. Each night I’m in a different – I could buy a trailer right now, I know that much about ’em from the show Cops. Ow – ooh, a double wide . . . oww. This is sick, man, I can’t . . . you know. And I love it, cos every night it’s the same show. A woman has been beaten by her husband, her head looks like a melon, the cops are called on a domestic call, cos . . . the trailer next door . . . couldn’t hear the results of the American Gladiators contest or something, over her shrieking. I don’t know why they called. I don’t know how they had a phone, but anyway . . . The cops are called, right? And they come into the trailer, her fourteen little cracker spawn are peering around her gingham skirt. Their eyes are so close together, the left eye is in the right socket and the right eye is in the left socket – some genetic mutation due to inbreeding here, I don’t get it. What does their family tree look like? A stump? And every time the woman stands up for the fucking guy. Head looks like a melon. ‘He didn’t mean to hit me, Officer. He didn’t mean to hit me. He’s a good man. Don’t take him away. I fell asleep in the driveway and he run over my head with the truck. He’s a good man. He don’t mean no harm. He’s passed out under the trailer right now with his dog, Skeeter.’ Fuck cops, send in the swat team. She doesn’t need children. K? And that’s a judgement call that I’m making but it also happens to be true, which gives it the force, that extra oomph. She needs no more children. K? OK. Can’t support ’em! Can’t feed ’em! Can’t raise ’em! Don’t even love ’em! Poink. Bring ’em out, why don’t you just get the fucking Cops camera to shine it up your fucking pussy and film the little criminal COMING OUT! This is crime prevention. Here comes another illiterate, unwanted child. Cuff him, Banano. Wah! Wah! Wah! Can you calm down on your rutting just for a couple of seconds, until we figure out this FOOD/AIR DEAL? ‘Well, who are you to judge? Who are you judging? What makes you think you know better than Jesus?’ ‘He didn’t mean to hit me, Officer.’ And she stands up for this guy! This fucking cracker’s balls deep in that whore every night! I haven’t been laid in three fucking years! It’s not right! I got backed up semen that’s about to make my head explode. Next time I come it’s gonna be like a wax dart shooting outa my dick. Sh-dooom! Some one-eyed chick my girlfriend, you know. ‘I’m not blowing you again. I wan– I’m gonna get through this life.’ ‘Baby, I’ll buy you a dog. Please blow me.’ I don’t mean to let you all in on more than you care to know about me, but . . . it blows my mind. What is the psychology of women that put up with wife-beaters, man? You know? What the fuck’s the psychology to that? It really makes you feel hopeless, man. You try and be a good guy, a nice guy, an’ an’ an’ you ladies, yeah, I know, and you know what? I know y’all love Billy Ray Cyrus. Don’t lie to me. He’s a . . . I’m talking to the women here. Yeah, bullshit! Fuck you. You do. Oh yeah, he sold 5 million albums and now all the guys here bought ’em. Fuck you! ‘He’s a hunk.’ Fucking homunculus mongoloid. No wonder this country’s becoming like dog patch if that’s who you wanna rut with. Fuck, any woman here would fucking almost break her pelvis opening her legs for that mongoloid fuck . . . to drop his filthy cracker seed into your fucking womb. Liar! Liars! LIARS! All right, man. Good evening everyone– oh, Jesus Christ. I’ve had more people in bed before than this. Fuck, man. In fact they were at the hotel. I left them to come here and do this. Don’t I feel like a fucking idiot? Y’all . . . don’t – OK. This could be one of my last performances, ladies and gentlemen. This week. I’m serious. I’ve had it. Sixteen years I’ve pounded my head against the mentality of America, which I, I, I ascribe to about . . . I’d say it’s about an eighth-grade emotional level that we’re at, as a country. And ah . . . you’re doubting that? You don’t think so? Really. OK. Well, anyway. You know, go watch Who’s the Boss and then we’ll chat later, I ah . . . please don’t debate me, it’s my one true talent, OK? I have twenty-three hours a day to develop these little webs of fucking conspiracy, so please. Relax and enjoy your hair. And your little cracker spawn are back at the hotel, choking down the minibar contents, probably fucking each other and producing more little crackers to come fuck with my life . . . you inbred, redneck, hillbilly, fucking tourist, you. Good evening. How are you tonight? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to No Sympathy Night. Welcome to You’re Wrong Night. Boy, I’m in a mood. You know . . . could be this haircut. Every time I look at my hair I go, ‘Fuck it, someone needs to die.’ Generally I think it’s me, but ah, I don’t have the balls to do it so . . . so I continue to walk around with my hair. Ha ha ha! OK, shut up. Shut the FUCK up. FUCKING morons. You FUCKING morons! And God wept, I believe is the next verse. As did the world. As more knobby-kneed white guys walk the planet with their black nylon fucking socks, their fat, fucking tick-like wives and their little, fat, fucking hateful children. Blocking the doorway, it’s a doorway, MOVE IT! ‘Huh, we’re on vacation.’ You’re on a mental fucking vacation, that’s what you’re on, pal. Try waking up and enjoying the life you’ve chosen, OK? Instead of calling the travel agent and getting the big budget deal. It’s a T-shirt nirvana. I am your herder. Kneel in front of me. Tonight, check politics on your fucking porch while your wife wiggles her fucking dong and fucks her own pussy with it, you fucking redneck, hillbilly piece of shit, you. Fuck America, if that’s America, then fuck you too. Good evening, everyone. How y’all? Good? Everyone good? Welcome to my show. Hey . . . (laughs) ‘Moo. Moo.’ Coupla cows are getting arrogant out there. ‘Moo. Moo.’ Come on, Shep. Get that one cow who’s leaving the pack. (barks) ‘Moo.’ Go back to the herd, moron. OK? I have this weirdest style, don’t I? I . . . ha ha ha ha ha ha! ‘Bill, you do a little kind of joke that’s kind of funny, then you start telling us you hate us and you dig a fucking hole. Where’s Bill going? He’s going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke.’ It’s my particular style. Just— it’s OK. It’s all been done in ah . . . in hate. Now. I am like the angry sheep-herder. That’s what I am. I’m ranting under the stars with my herd. ‘Gee Bill, are you talkin’ to us?’ I’m talking metaphorically about America, all right? Not y’all. I give y’all more credit. I assume that you’re ah enjoying this, or if not at least emotionally involved, which is important. Even if it’s anger. Really. It’s OK, man. That’s what this is all about, man. It’s supposed to be a fucking catharsis, man, you know? It’s supposed to be release from the fucking daily grind. I wish it worked for me. (wheezy laugh) I’m killing me, join me. I was over in Australia and I was asked, ‘Are you proud to be an American,’ and I was like, ‘I don’t know. I didn’t have a lot to do with it, you know. My parents fucked there, that’s about all. You know, I was in the spirit realm at that time. “Fuck in Paris! Fuck in Paris!” but they couldn’t hear me, cos I didn’t have a mouth. I was a spirit without lungs or a mouth or vocal cords.’ They fucked here. OK, I’m proud. I hate patriotism. I can’t stand it, man. Makes me fucking sick. It’s a round world last time I checked, OK? You know what I mean? I hate patriotism. In fact, that’s how we could stop patriotism, I think. Instead of putting stars and stripes on our flags, we should put pictures of our parents fucking. Gather people round that flag and see your dad hunched over your mom’s big four-by-four butt. See if any boot rally mentality can circle round that little fucking image. God . . . damn, I’m out of here! Fuck it! Get your mom, shut up! Let’s go garden. You never see my attitude in the press, that’s what bugs me. You never see my point of view. For instance, gays in the military. Now, I don’t know how y’all feel about it. Gays who wanna be in the military. Here’s how I feel about it, all right? Anyone DUMB ENOUGH to wanna be in the military should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. I don’t care how many push-ups you can do. Put on a helmet, go wait in that foxhole, we’ll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. You know what I mean? I’m so sick – I watched these fucking congressional hearings and all these military guys and all the pundits, ‘Seriously aww the esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral’— excuse me! Aren’t y’all fucking hired killers? SHUT UP! You are thugs and when we need you to go blow the fuck out of a nation of little brown people, we’ll let you know. Until then . . . when did the fucking military get all these morals— ‘We are the military. Is that a village of children and kids? Where’s the napalm? Sh-boom! I don’t want any gay people hanging round me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t wanna see it.’ And don’t tell me it’s the military protects our freedom. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, there ain’t no one out there who’s a fucking threat to us, OK? They don’t exist. Oh – I’m talking now only of countries we don’t arm first. All right, if you wanna split hairs, you got a point. ‘Bill, what about the nations we sell arms to and then go blow the fuck out of ’em?’ OK, they might be scary for about a day. We give them the old weapons, we use the new ones on them, you know. Fucking Iraq found that out, huh? You have the Scud, we have the Patriot. The SCUD TIMES TWO, you fucks! Just keep selling ’em the shitty shit, you know. We’ll be fightin’ them next, they’ll have muskets. Dhoosh! ‘America won a war with this.’ ‘Yeah, a hundred years ago! They got new shit now.’ ‘Fuck!’ (Ssssssssss) ‘What is that?’ ‘It’s musket repellent.’ ‘I can kill you by looking at you.’ Oh, there’s a threat to America, yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to that fucking Cops show, cos I’ll tell you who the threat to freedom . . . no, no, not the threat to freedom. I’ll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country – it’s us. That’s why they show you shows like fucking Cops so you know that state power will win and we’ll bust your house down and we’ll fucking bust you any time we want. That’s the message. Why don’t they just have a show called Stormtrooper? Or better yet, how about IRS? Argh! Every week the IRS has a special celebrity guest. ‘This week it’s Red Fox on IRS Bust.’ (singing) ‘Da da da da! Da da da! Da da da da!’ (Ding dong!) ‘Who dere? Who dere at my door? What y’all want?’ ‘The rings on your FUCKING FINGER!’ (singing) ‘Da da da da!’ ‘See you next week when we go down to Texas and meet Willie Nelson! On IRS!’ Cos that is the message they wanna leave you with. To keep you afraid and keep you fucking impotent. Keep these lying scumbags doing their fucking dirty work. ‘What about Clinton? Is there any hope in Clinton?’ There’s no fucking hope in that guy. They’re all the same. I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. ‘I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.’ ‘I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.’ ‘Hey wait a minute. There’s one guy holding up both puppets!’ ‘Shut up! Go back to bed, America: your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinking beer, you fucking morons.’ Ba ba ba na. (two gunshots) Hicks was shot by a quiet loner. Though the shots had two different calibrations, we feel that one gun shot them both. He was a quiet loner who had a family and kids. How are you a loner with a family? How does that work? I’m kind of bummed because I’m missing right now, even as we speak, my favourite cultural train wreck: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I’m like a rubber-necker, man. Every night it’s the crash of fucking metal when that show starts. Me and my friends have a little office pool wondering exactly which episode and which guest is gonna be on the night Jay finally puts a 9mm in his mouth and blows his Dorito-shilling head off his fucking body. I think it’s gonna be Joey Lawrence from the show Blossom, ah . . . other of my friends beg to differ and think Patrick Duffy a more likely culprit. ‘Oh, hi everyone. Welcome to the show. Tonight we have Joey Lawrence. Hi Joey, how are ya? It’s good to see you again. Boy, it was always my comedic dream to be forty-four years old and interviewing a little Tony Danzer wannabe every three months. Boy, I’m fulfilled as a human spiritually. So . . . so, so, so anyway, Joey, you’re sixteen now? You’re sixteen years old?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘That’s great, you’re sixteen. You got a licence? You drivin’? You drivin’?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘That’s great, you’re sixteen, you got a licence. You got a car? You got a car?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘You got a girlfriend, hmmm? You dating somebody? Anybody special?’ ‘Yeah. No. Well, she thinks so. I don’t. Hee hee hee hee.’ ‘Good God, what have I done with my life?’ BOOM! His brain splew out, forming an NBC peacock on the wall behind him. Cos he’s a company man to the bitter fucking end. It all started when he did the Doritos commercial. Here’s the deal, folks. You do a commercial, you’re off the artistic roll call for ever. End of story. OK? You’re another corporate fucking shill, you’re another whore at the capitalist gang-bang. And if you do a commercial, there’s a price on your head, everything you say is suspect, and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink. (makes choking, then splashing sound) Selling Doritos on fucking TV. What a fucking whore. And not even when he needed the money, either. You know, if you’re a young actor, OK, I’ll look the other way. But the guy, you know, he makes 3 million a year, he decides to hawk Doritos to make more money. You don’t got enough money, you fucking whore? You gotta sell snacks to fucking bovine America now? ‘Hi everyone, I’m Jay Leno. Anyone remember when I was . . . when I was funny? Here, eat Doritos. They’re good—’ (makes choking sound) Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV. (snorting and snarling) ‘They’re good ’n’ crispy. Here Satan, try the nacho-flavoured ones.’ ‘Cool and flavourful.’ (snorting and snarling) ‘Tonight on the show, er, we have Joey Lawrence and Patrick Duffy.’ Yes, tonight’s the night! Fuck, if that was his line-up he’d use an Uzi in his mouth. (makes machine pistol sound) Rrrrrrrrrrrrr! Just chewing fucking lead. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr! ‘What have I done with my fucking life?’ Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! ‘I used to be funny!’ Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrr! Oh, quick, change his clip! Arrrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrrr! He’s a fucking blood-sprinkler! Pow! Pow! Pow! Arrrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! The next night: (singing) ‘ba da da da da. Ba ba ba da!’ ‘Ed, Ed ah, did you enjoy your vacation?’ ‘You are correct, sir.’ ‘Doc, that’s a really nice red coat. Is that the colour of it or is that Jay’s brains?’ Ha ha ha ha ha! ‘He’s just jealous cos he’s never been on the show.’ You’re so right. Do a commercial, you’re off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you’re a corporate whore and ah, end of story. And yes, I have been offered commercials, so I’m not jealous, and I turned them all down because I’m not a salesman. Aha, oop! And I don’t need money that is built on blood. So. Man in audience: Who offered to you? Bill: Well, in England I did this really . . . this is classic England. I got offered a . . . this is the product. You ready? Orange drink. I’m going, ‘What’s the name of it?’ ‘Orange drink.’ Classic England, right? Just such a socialist fucking nightmare over there, right? (laughs) That’s the drink. ‘It’s orange drink.’ I said, ‘Yeah, you really got my act down good, guys. That’ll be great. You know, when I’m ah done ranting about elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That’s why I drink orange drink.’ Yeah, right. See, don’t you see how it’ll all fit in. Don’t you see how every word I said would be hollow and filled with nothing. You do a commercial, you’re off the artistic roll call for ever, and that goes for everyone . . . except Willie Nelson. Twenty-four-million-dollar tax bill, Willie was a little looser than the rest of us. I just avert my eyes when he sings about tacos, you know what I mean? It’s so fucking . . . (singing) ‘I’m sitting here, selling tacos, oh waiting for the woman in the rose tattoo. My butt is so loose.’ Oh, this is so sad. Is he done yet? No. (singing) I love picante and iced tea. Taco Bell hasn’t called me. Oh, my butt hurts so bad.’ Oh, this is so sad. Is he finished yet? No? (singing) ‘I love nachos with chips ’n’ dippin’, love the things that I can get ’n, oh my butt is hurtin’ me.’ Oh, poor Willie. Poor fucking Willie. Oh God, let’s pass the hat. Get him off the Taco Bell commercial! We gotta save Willie! You know what I mean? You want a better world, ladies and gentlemen? Legalize pot right now. You wanna end the deficit? Legalize pot right now. I am so sick of hearing about the goddamn deficit, I could fucking puke blood. (vomiting noise) There ain’t no fucking deficit, it’s a FUCKING lie and it’s a FUCKING illusion in the first place. But you wanna end it, you wanna end it, legalize pot: biggest cash crop in America. Deficit’s gone. But I am so sick of hearing about, ‘Well, your leaders misspent your hard-earned tax dollars, so you, the people, now have to tighten your belts and we got to start paying this back, because we, your leaders, misspent your money.’ You know what’d make tightening my belt a little easier? If I could tighten it around Jesse Helms’61 scrawny little chicken-neck. Ah, I feel better about the sacrifice right now! You fucking, tobacco-pushing, motherfucker! You are the worst fucking drug-dealer in the fucking world! You scrawny, rightwing, fear-mongering piece of sucker of Satan’s COCK! YOU SUCK SATAN’S COCK! YOU FUCKING CHICKEN-NECKED LITTLE FUCKING CRACKER! I’d tighten my belt if that were the case. I’d eat bolony for a week, you know what I mean? I’d sacrifice. Boy, Jesse Helms. Isn’t that a great one, i’n’t he? Just another little fevered ego tainting our collective unconscious. Cos you know, anyone – like Swaggart62 – anyone that far to the right is hiding a very deep and dark secret. You do know that, right? I’m an armchair fucking psychologist, but anyone that – you know when Jesse Helms finally dies, he’s gonna commit suicide first of all in a washtub out back underneath a pecan tree. He’s gonna slash his wrists and he’s gonna write in blood, ‘I been a bad boy.’ But you know they’re gonna find the skins of young children drying in his attic. Swarms of horseflies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN, over and over, his wife going, ‘I always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.’ Anyone that far to the right is fucking hiding a deep, dark secret. Speaking of Satan, ah . . . I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn’t Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Am I the only one? Can’t you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle, and Bush just chhhhhhhhhhh! Just stand around pissing on him, and he can’t– his little piggly-wiggly dick can’t get hard. ‘Aargh, aargh, I can’t get hard. Reagan, pee in my mouth.’ ‘Well, how’s that, Rush?’ Still can’t get hard, so they call in Barbara Bush. She takes her pearls off, puts ’em up his ass, then squats over him, undoes her girdle, her wrinkled, flaccid labia unfolds halfway down to her knees, like some ball-less scrotum. ‘Aargh, aargh, aargh.’ She squeezes out a link into his mouth. Finally his dick gets half-hard. ‘Ohhhh.’ A little clear bubble forms on the end with a maggot inside. The maggot pops the bubble and runs off and joins a pro-life group somewhere. Am I the only one who sees that, or . . . or not? Thank God I’m not alone. Thank God I had the insight to notice Rush Limbaugh is a scat-muncher. He munches scat. (laughs) ‘Jesus, Bill.’ I’m so proud of that little dark poetry there. Started, I came out with the word ‘scat-muncher’ and it went from there, and I just . . . immediately thought of Rush. Folks, it’s time to evolve ideas. You know, evolution did not end with us growing thumbs. You do know that, right? Didn’t end there. We’re at the point now where we’re going to have to evolve ideas. The reason the world’s so fucked up is we’re undergoing evolution. And the reason our institutions, our traditional religions are all crumbling is because they’re no longer relevant. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! They’re no longer relevant. So it’s time for us to create a new philosophy and perhaps even a new religion, you see. And that’s OK, cos that’s our right, cos we are free children of God with minds who can imagine anything, and that’s kind of our role. How do you evolve ideas? I’ll give you an example right here. By the way, there are more dick jokes coming: please relax. I know I’m starting to lose them a little bit here with this shit, I’m like digging a fucking hole right now. And another thing . . . ‘Where the hell did Bill go? He dug himself right through the planet.’ I can hear people heckling in Chinese right now. ‘Why . . . why you gonna do dick joke? Do dick joke. [. . .] No one want to hear your philosophy; they want to hear dick joke.’ Oh, what a completely rational heckler, hmmmm. ‘They pay to hear dick joke, not to hear you talk about the President Bush.’ Here’s how you evolve an idea; I’ll give you an example. Why is the drug Tsar of this country – well, let’s go back. Why do we have a drug Tsar in this country, a)? b) Why is he a cop? Why isn’t he a guy in recovery, who’s had an alcohol and/or drug addiction and overcome it? And why doesn’t he help people with the same problem with compassion rather than condemnation? Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They’re sick. They’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in jail. See, it makes no sense. And if we evolve the idea, you see, the planet might be more compassionate and something like HEAVEN might dawn. I want everyone here to take the five dried grams I taped under y’all chairs right now. Under your chairs: check ’em out. Let’s go, man. The fucking UFOs are waiting in the fifth dimension. Let’s go! We’ll do it later. We’ll do it as a closer. Shit, man. Mushrooms grow naturally on the planet. They’re against the law. Marijuana grows naturally on the planet. It’s against the law. Do you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don’t know . . . unnatural? I was down in Australia when the Waco debacle ended, and I was very bummed because I thought that was the most fascinating story of the year, bar none. And everyone was so upset with that guy cos he called himself Jesus, right? And I said, ‘Come on, you know. The guy’s real name . . . is Vernon. Let him be Jesus for a couple of months, you know what I mean? What’s it to you?’ Who’s gonna follow a messiah called Vernon, anyway. You gotta be Jesus, that’s part of the Messiah deal. ‘And Vernon spake.’ Yeah, yeah, what are we doing? ‘I’m followin’ Vernon.’ ‘Where y’all going?’ ‘To the drive-in. Heyah! Joe-Bob Briggs said the movie was real good. Vernon’s going. He’s my Messiah. He said he’d get us some beef jerky. Whoo!’ ‘I follow Vernon.’ Isn’t that weird, though. People always snap and think they’re Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they’re Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. ‘I’m Buddha.’ ‘You’re Bubba.’ ‘I’m Buddha now. All I gotta do is change two letters on my belt. Bubba – Buddha. Come over here and read my Scripture. Vernon’s a false prophet. Bubba-Buddha’s the real man.’ I was in Australia, and the Australians had a big contingency at the Branch Davidian compound, and I’m from Texas so they were very curious. They were asking me all about it, you know. ‘Oh, this guy’s so weird, in’t he? This guy Koresh is so weird.’ And I was thinking, well, wait a minute. Frustrated rock musician with a messianic complex, armed to the teeth, and trying to fuck everything that moves. I don’t know how to tell you this: sounds like every one of my friends in Austin. I don’t know if this is gonna be an isolated incident. Waiting for Will Sexton to build a compound somewhere. I don’t even know what that means. I don’t even know what . . . that was an Austin name; I picked it out of a hat. Pick your own Austin guitarist. Have fun with the joke. But I thought the whole thing was an absolute disaster and a debacle, and if any of y’all have been watching public access and seen the footage, which was not shown on any major news media source, of the tanks, Bradley tanks, shooting fire into the compound, which I think went against the party-line story, which was that they shot tear gas in order to help the mothers and the children to get out, to convince them – oh, they’re destroying the compound, they’re getting the moms and children out, you see . . . the soft sell is definitely the FBI’s way. And anyway, so the major news said that the Branch Davidians started a fire. If I’m not mistak– correct me when I go off the story here – a-a-a-and that the Branch Davidians, and all they did was shoot in tear gas, and yet I’ve seen with my own eyes and my (squeaking sound) squeegeed third eye footage of a Bradley tank shooting fire into the compound, which . . . in’t that odd that no major news source has picked up on that? Huh, you’d think that’s newsworthy. Cos that basically means that the government, from the FBI, the ATF, up to Janet Reno and including Clinton, are ahm, liars and murderers. Ha ha ha ha! And – wait, there’s more – and . . . I mean, the implications are vast. Ahm, you know. And if the ATF and FBI had any honor, if there was any honor left or dignity on this planet, they would commit hara-kiri while first admitting what they’ve done. They’d kill themselves, cos they are liars and murderers. ‘Oh, we had to bust the compound down, cos we heard child molestation was going on.’ Yeah, if that’s true, how come we don’t see Bradley tanks knocking down Catholic churches? I’m talking if child molestation is actually your concern. ‘Well, there was a meth-amphetamine lab on it.’ No there wasn’t. And not one child came out of there saying they were molested. Not one child. They don’t want the voice of reason spoken, folks, cos otherwise we’d be free. Otherwise we wouldn’t believe their FUCKING horse-shit lies, nor the fucking propaganda machine, the mainstream media, and buy their horse-shit products that we don’t fucking need, and become a Third World consumer fucking plantation, which is what we’re becoming. Fuck them! They’re liars and murderers. All governments are liars and murderers, and I am now Jesus. Now. And this is my compound. I’m sorry if anyone here is Catholic, ah . . . I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually sorry just the fact that you’re Catholic. Got to be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence. And I love watching the Pope bounce around in his little Popemobile. That’s the . . . that’s got to be hoot number one on my fucking CNN list. Just, I want a whole show with the Pope just bouncing around in that all-terrain Popemobile, with the three feet of bulletproof Plexiglas around him. Boy, there’s faith in action. You see, you know he’s really the spokesman for God, because only God’s spokesman would need Plexiglas bulletproof, don’t you think? Don’t y’all read that the same way? I don’t know. Christianity’s the weird one though, you know. Christianity’s such an odd religion, you know. I was raised that way, you know, and you can just suffer for it. You know, the whole image is that, you know, eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. (laughs) That’s the message, isn’t it, that we’re brought up with. Believe or die! ‘Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.’ I’ve been compared to Koresh before. People said I was like Koresh, except . . . without the guns or pussy. And ah . . . means I’m just a real annoying guy, basically. ‘But you must understand the Seven Seals.’ ‘What, the seven— is this a circus? I’m with you. What? Seven seals. Right.’ ‘They hit the ball up their nose. Seven of them. I saw it when I was a kid. I don’t understand it.’ And I knew Billy Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq.63 Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days. Isn’t that interesting? He launched twenty-two cruise missiles against Baghdad in retaliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty-two, I think 3-million-dollars-apiece missiles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Ahm, I think that’s a little bit overdoing it, if you ask me. Ahm, you know what we should have done? We should have embarrassed the Iraqians, you know what I mean? Here’s how we could do it: we should have assassinated Bush, and said, ‘That’s how you do it, towel-head. Don’t fuck with us.’ And see, if Bush had been the one who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life. We should do a car-bomb derby with them, that’s what we should do. Car-bomb derby. Put it on after American Gladiators. We’d just watch it, big ratings, ‘It’s good, I like Car-Bomb Derby. We beat the Iraqi team again. I love that.’ And that way we’d all be on equal ground again. And I believe in equality. I believe there is a commonality to all humanity: we all suck. OK, thank you. I have this feeling, man, cos you know there’s a handful of people actually run everything. That’s true. It’s provable, it’s not a fucking— I’m not a conspiracy nut. It’s provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling who’s ever elected President, like Clinton was, no matter what your promises you promise on the campaign trail, ‘blah, blah, blah’, when you win, you go into this smoky room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there, and you’re in this smoky room and this little film screen comes down, rrrrrrrrrr, and a big guy and a cigar (po po) ‘Roll the film.’ (po po po) And it’s a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you’ve never seen before . . . that looks suspiciously off the grassy knoll. And then the film, the screen goes up, and the lights come up, and they go to the new President, ‘Any questions?’ ‘Ah, just what my agenda is?’ ‘First we bomb Baghdad.’ ‘You got it.’ But we’ve got to come to some new, some new ideas about life, OK? I’m not being facetious about abortion. It might be a real issue; it might not. It doesn’t really matter to me, cos what matters is, if you really believe in sanctity of life, then you believe it for people of all ages. That’s what I hate about this fucking child worship syndrome going on around. ‘Save the children. Think of the children. God, how many children were in the Waco? The children!’ Hey, what does that mean? They reach a certain age, they’re off your fucking love list? Fuck your children, if that’s the way you feel, and fuck you with ’em. You either love people in general from all ages, or you shut the fuck up. ‘Bill, what kind of philosophy is this, Bill?’ I don’t know yet. I’m chasing this philosophy like a hound. I don’t know where it’s heading. (barks) Trying to tree it, you know. ‘Who are you to tell people when to have kids or not?’ I’m me, it’s true, shut the fuck up. Quit thinking you’re gonna fucking make the world better by bringing more little fucking cabbages to the planet. Why don’t you try loving the people that are already fucking here, OK? Instead of living for a future that never fucking comes. It doesn’t exist. It ain’t coming. There is no future. There’s no such thing. It doesn’t exist. ‘You’re our future! THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE!’ There’s no such thing, asshole! Take some mushrooms and squeegee your third fucking eye! (makes squeaking sound) ‘Oh my God, there is only this moment!’ (makes squeaking sound) The argument doesn’t work with me, flapjack. Go back to your fucking crackerjack lifestyle, and I’ll meet you at the evolution bell-curve. I’ll be sitting there awhile. It’s kind of a tortoise-and-the-hare-story. (makes sound of crickets chirruping) That’s Bill, waiting for people to catch up. (crickets chirruping). ‘We think science is gonna save us, Bill!’ Oh, FUCK! (crickets chirruping) Take mushrooms, folks, squeegee your third fucking eye. (makes squeaking sound) The TV has clouded it over, OK? TV is like taking black paint to your eye. Chhhhhhhhhh! Take mushrooms. (makes squeaking sound) What do you think, mushrooms were here by accident? You think it’s a fucking accident mushrooms grow on cow shit? Where do you think ‘That’s good shit’ came from? Childbirth . . . isn’t natural. I’ll let that sink in. Childbirth isn’t natural. We’re not supposed to give birth. We’re not supposed to age or die. Did you know that? We’re supposed to live for ever. We’re supposed to be in a garden right now, leaning against a tree, naming animals, and the fact that you don’t know the name of every animal in the world tells me something. You know what it tells me? We left the garden too soon. ‘What’s that?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘It’s a wombat.’ ‘Shut up and go back to the garden. No rutting till you name all the animals.’ We have to have a beautiful world where children can come to. OK? That would be knowing your world. (laughs) OK. Men don’t want children. No man in this room wants children. Any man who thinks or says he wants children is no longer a man but a pussy-whipped freak of nature, who should be at home reading leather-bound copies of Donahue transcripts, renting Alan Alda films and buying Michael Bolton’s CDs, cos you’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club. You’re out. ‘I don’t know with all the margaritas we buy we can afford a child, honey.’ And I’ll go you one further. And this is the one, folks, this is the idea that has made me virtually an anonymous figure in America for the last sixteen years. I have watched my crowds dwindle, I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick. If you have children here tonight, and I assume some of you do, I am sorry to tell you this: they are not special. Oh, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Let’s not have any— wait, wait, wait, don’t misunderstand me. I know a lot of y’all: ‘What? Well, I don’t . . .’ Wait, wait, let’s be clear on this. I know you think they’re special. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m aware of that. I’m just trying to tell you, they’re not. Ha ha ha ha ha! Do you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm. Did you know that? Two hundred million sperm. And you mean to tell me you think your child . . . is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm that load – we’re talking one load – connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? Two hundred – you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest . . . with a grey gym-sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. Maybe even Gidea. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you too . . . egg-carrying beings out there. With that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I’ve tossed universes . . . in my underpants . . . while napping. Boom! A Milky Way shoots into my jockey shorts. Ohhhhhhhhh! What’s for fucking breakfast? Thank you very much! Zchurrrrrrrrrrr. Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Segura: Disgraceful (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-disgraceful-2018-full-transcript/

Transcript of Tom Segura’s new Netflix Special Ball Hog (2020) now available here [Internal link] Filmed at the Paramount Theatre in Denver [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… [audience whistling] Tom Segura! [audience cheering and clapping] [inaudible dialogue] Whoa! What’s up? Holy shit. Thank you, Denver. That was amazing. [audience whooping] Thank you so much. I wish I was home right now. -Um… -[audience laughs] No offense. Not personal. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. I’m like, “Well, I wish I was home right now.” -Uh… [audience laughs] I think it’s your thought too. I think you’re like, “I hope this is good,” but also, “Wrap this shit up so I can go home.” [audience laughs] I actually think that’s the meaning of life. Like, people are always philosophizing, “What is the meaning of life?” I’ll tell you the meaning of life. The meaning of life is, “Fuck this place. Let’s go home.” Now… [audience laughing and whistling] Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away from never leaving our homes again. -[audience laughs] -And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. There… There are a lot of indicators if you’re paying attention. Like, number one, do you ever really process that you don’t have to leave your home to buy anything? You’re like, “Yeah, I order some things online.” No, no, no. You can sit on your couch, pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, “I want bananas. And I want hammers. And… [audience laughs] -I want an eagle’s beak.” -And then… -[audience laughs] Amazon’s like, [blows raspberry] “It’s on your fuckin’ doorstep.” How about that? [audience laughs] Isn’t that insane to you? You don’t have to leave your home to see people. You should. You don’t have to. Just hold up the same device and be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] “Bye.” And you saw everyone. But the number-one indicator that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you. -Now… -[audience laughs] if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t been watching TV. There are endless commercials that air, where basically, a guy comes out and he’s like, “Doesn’t it suck to sit up?” [audience laughs] Something like that. And I guess the people are like, “It does suck!” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, get this fuckin’ bed. [audience laughs] You don’t have to sit up no more.” [audience laughs] They try to advertise that it’s for snoring. It’s because you’re a piece of shit. That’s why you got that bed. [audience laughs] All you’ve done is lay down. You’ve been sleeping for hours, and your first thought when you wake up is, “I don’t even want to sit up. I want to go from here to…” -Mm… -[audience laughs] Well, wakey-wakey, little turd. How are you gonna change the world? That means in two years, we’re gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us, and we’ll just go, “Food.” And then a mechanical arm will come out. [audience laughs] And then you’ll go, “Shit.” And the bed will open. [audience laughs] And you’ll go, bah! And you’ll shit through the bed. [audience laughs] And then you’ll be like, “I’m tired. [audience laughs] I wanna rest. Oh, yeah.” -Mm… -[audience laughs] And we’ll all be 800 pounds. -I can’t fuckin’ wait. Now… -[audience laughs] Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently. I was on… [audience cheering] That’s right. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth. -[audience laughs] -And… Yes. You may have seen him. His name is Brent Crystals. And…. [audience laughs] I beat him in this contest because I’m a better person, -but that’s not what I want to talk about. -[audience laughs] I lost about 50 pounds, and you know… Yeah. Maybe… Maybe you’re out there right now and you’re thinking, like, “Hey, man. If you can do that, I can do that.” Probably not. [audience laughs] I mean, look what I’m doing right now. Can you do this? I don’t fuckin’ think so. [audience laughs] I’m just an awesome guy. But… [audience cheering and clapping] You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get… I get so many messages. People are like, “You inspired me.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t mean to.” [audience laughs] People ask me like, “Will you coach me into weight loss?” -And I’m like, “Absolutely not.” -[audience laughs] One guy hit me up like 50 times. “Give me a message to get this kick-started.” “I’ll give you a message. When you look in the mirror, do you say, ‘I fuckin’ hate you’? Then you’re not ready. [audience laughs] Cry more and eat less.” Send. -That’s my message. -[audience laughs] Hey, you asked me. Now… I’ll tell you, on a grand scale, who’s helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks. And this is true. They have a national training campaign to try to trick you into ordering food. And this is why. They know you’re going to order a beverage. So, they try to lead you into food. Pull into any Starbucks drive-through. And now they greet you, they say, “Welcome to Starbucks. What can we get started for you to eat today?” -And you’re like, “Wait, what? -[audience laughs] I just wanted coffee.” And they’re like, “No shit. [audience laughs] What else do you want?” [audience laughs] You’re like, “I don’t know, sausage? I mean, what do you have?” [audience laughs] I don’t respect that. I like my shame straight-up and honest. And nobody does that better than the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out. And if you’ve never been… [audience cheering] If you’ve never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin’ life together and go. And I want you to go simply so you can experience the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food. ‘Cause you pull up and you go, “I’ll have a double-double, fries and a Coke.” And they go, “Will you be eating in the car?” [audience laughs] “Yeah, I think so.” [audience laughs] And they go, “I bet you will, you fat, fuckin’ pile of garbage.” Doesn’t that question sting? You’re like, “Am I living in my car? Why am I eating in my car?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they’re like, “Leave with dignity.” But if you say yes, it’s an open tray, and they go, “Eat out of that, pig.” [audience laughs] And then it falls in your lap and they go, “Pick it up!” [audience laughs] And you’re like, [mumbling] “Hot dog, french fries.” “Are you gonna jerk off when you get home ’cause you’re lonely?” And you’re like, “Yes, yes.” “We’re gonna give you a free milkshake because you’re bummin’ everybody out. We’re fast food workers. You’re making us sad. Get the fuck out of here.” [audience laughs] You can’t say “retarded” anymore. [audience laughs] It was just here. Don’t you remember? -“Retarded.” That’s how I… -[audience laughs] People get very upset. I don’t really support the arguments against it. When people are like, “You shouldn’t say it.” “Why?” “What if there’s one over there?” And you’re like… [audience laughs] We never said it like that. We were never like, “Look at that guy!” [audience laughs] You didn’t say it like that. You said it to describe an idea, or a situation, you know? If your friend was like, “I’ll pick you up at your house, and then we’ll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house. And we can get your bags. And then, we’ll come back over here after that.” And your like, “That’s retarded. Why the fuck would we do that?” [audience laughs] But now you can’t say that. Now you’ve gotta be like, “That’s not… smart. Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me.” [audience laughs] It’s not the same. You can’t say, “That’s gay.” Damn. [audience laughs] I used to abuse that expression, I’m not gonna lie. And never for anything remotely sexual. I just would say it all the time. If you were like, “I’ll have a water, no ice.” I’d be like, “That’s gay.” You know? [audience laughs] “Why do you have so many balloons? That’s gay.” Shit like that. [audience laughs] Can’t say it anymore. Now, to be clear, you can say “that’s gay.” But it has to be for something overtly gay. Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line, each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them. And they’re marching and going, “I want the come. Give me the come. I want the come.” -And then you can go, “That’s gay.” -[audience laughs] And even then they’re like, “Take it easy.” And you’re like, “All right, jeez.” [audience laughs] You can’t say “midget.” Goddamn it. [audience laughs] I never thought we’d lose that one. [audience laughs] You can’t say it. People get very upset. I never said it to be cruel. And let’s be honest. It was perfectly acceptable for years. The best part about the word midget, before it became offensive, is that it’s specific. You know what someone’s talking about. That’s what was great about it. You could be like, “I was at the zoo today and I saw a midget.” And you’d be like, “Did they feed him to the lions? What happened next?” [audience laughs] But now, I can’t say that. Now, I gotta be like, “I saw a little person.” -And you’re like, “Was it a child, or…” -[audience laughs] Like, “No. Under 4’11” with the hands.” “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] Now you know what I’m saying. So… You might be sitting in your seat now, going, “Tom, what can we still say? [audience laughs] What can we say?” I’ll tell you what you can say. White racial slurs. [audience laughs] All of ’em. Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky. Have fun. [audience laughs] Say ’em all you want. And if you’re not white, and you’re going, “Wait, are you saying I can say those?” -That’s exactly what I’m saying. -[audience laughs] Nobody cares. Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, “Hey, you fuckin’ guinea.” [audience laughs] And he’ll go, [laughs] “I don’t care. [audience laughs] I don’t give a shit.” It’s not a historically disenfranchised group. The best slur of all, for me, I think, is honky. And I’ll tell you why. The word honky is hilarious… in and of itself. But for some reason, truly racist white people have latched onto that word. It’s like this great indicator to know if someone’s racist. If they act like that word is offensive, run, okay? [audience laughs] You don’t believe me, watch the news. Next time there’s some racial fight in the news, they’ll find some hillbilly. “What happened?” He’ll be like, “Well, he called me a honky.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “Did you pass out from laughing hysterically, or what happened next?” He’s like, “No, I stabbed him.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. That’s fuckin’ crazy.” I’ll pay you to call me a honky. I don’t care. It’s a great word. I saw a racial fight recently, which is terrible, but I watched it. [audience laughs] How are you not gonna watch? You’re gonna watch every fight, you know? Fights have that weird quality. Fights are kinda like hand jobs, in that you don’t really want one, but you’re like, “We’ll see where it goes.” You know? [audience laughs] “Will you give it a kiss? No? All right.” So, you know. [audience laughs] Had to take a shot. So… I’m in Philadelphia, walking through the park in the middle of the day. Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park. I’m walking through this park. And as I’m walking through it, I see a white guy. And he yells across the park to a black guy, he calls him a n… [mumbles] -And… -[audience laughs] When you hear that and you’re in public, you’re like, “Oh, my God. [audience laughs] I’m gonna die.” That’s your first thought. And then, another black guy, I don’t know if he lived in the bushes, but… [audience laughs] He popped out of the bushes, like… [audience laughs] if this is a bush right here, I just saw a black guy go, “Mm-mm. No. [audience laughs] Not in my park. Uh-uh” But it’s like, no one else saw that guy. Only I was like, “Oh, my God! I see that guy!” Like that. [audience laughs] It became my own personal movie. I watched him line up like the honey badger. He was like, “That one? All right.” He fuckin’ sprinted across the park. And he tackled the white guy. So instinctively, I just went, “Get him!” [audience laughs] But it took me a second to realize, I’m the only other white guy in the park. [audience laughs] Yeah, so like, ten black people turned and I went, “No! [audience laughs] Him, him! Our him!” [audience laughs] And they were like, “What?” And I was like, “I’m out, that’s what.” [audience laughs] And then they killed that white guy. [audience laughs] And for the record, I don’t give a fuck if they did. You know why? There is no such thing as white-guy loyalty. Okay? [audience laughs] I mean, there is, but those guys are obvious as they hold torches. -But the rest of us… -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] The rest of us are not having that shit. Let me tell you something, man. I’m jealous of inner-racial loyalty. ‘Cause I see it. If you’re white, you see it with other races. Asians, black people for sure. What I’m talking about… There could be a dangerous situation. Let’s say it’s a fight, and there’s a black guy in that fight. And then another black guy, that doesn’t know him, will go, “I’m gonna involve myself. [audience laughs] Just on account of us being of the same race. At our core, we are brothers.” I see that, I’m like, “Wow.” ‘Cause when you’re white and you’re in that situation, you’re like, -“Fuck that guy. I don’t know that guy. -[audience laughs] Do whatever you want to him. I don’t give a shit.” Let you do something like that guy in the park, and then look at me like, “Are you gonna help out?” You should know something. You’re about to get murdered. Okay? [audience laughs] I will fuckin’ take pictures as you’re beaten, and upload them, #honky #deadhonky. Fuck you, cracker. I’m out of here. Now… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] I’ll tell you, it is fantastic to be in the people’s republic of Denver. It is a great city and, uh… [audience cheering] Absolutely love it here. I think you’ve probably already taken it for granted, your lax weed laws. And you forget. You forget the struggle that we all went through at one time. [audience laughs] We’re all traumatized by it. I hope you acknowledge that. We our traumatized by our upbringing, okay? If you’re over four years old, you are traumatized by this nation’s laws. And this is what I mean. I bought weed last week. The same dude I buy it from all the time. It was a public place. The first thing I said to him when he gave it to me? I go, “I’m gonna go put it in my car.” And he goes, “Why?” [audience laughs] And I just, instinctively, I go, “Cause weed.” And he goes, “Tape it to your fuckin’ forehead. Who gives a shit?” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.” [audience laughs] But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed. And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal, and so crazy for so many years, but also, highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all. [audience laughs] There’s a zero percent chance they will understand what we’re talking about. It’d be like trying to tell a kid now, like, “Hey, you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people.” They’d be like, “What the fuck are you saying right now?” It would be the same thing. I’ll sit my son down one day and be like, “You know when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died.” [audience laughs] And he’ll be like, “Why? Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?” [audience laughs] “They didn’t sell it at 7-Eleven. Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.” [audience laughs] “Where are we going?” “Chill out.” “All right.” [audience laughs] The three-hour round trips to buy weed. “What kind of weight were you moving?” Twenty dollars’ worth of marijuana. [audience laughs] That kind of major shit. [audience laughs] I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time. Not a trailer park. A solo trailer. The most terrifying housing situation that exists. Where other trailer people are like, “Get the fuck out of here.” Kick ’em out. [audience laughs] I just walked up to that shit, 15. This dude’s like, “You trying to get a sack?” -I was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah.” -[audience laughs] “We could go do that.” I was like, “All right. Cool.” And he goes, “We just need to go get it.” I was like, “You don’t fuckin’ have it? [audience laughs] Isn’t that your sole responsibility?” I tried to play cool, “Let’s go get it.” He goes, “I’ll go get it. You stay here and watch my place.” And I was like… [audience laughs] “Okay.” [audience laughs] Then he goes, “There’s a .357 and a shotgun on my bed. Anybody comes in here, blast ’em.” [audience laughs] Inside? Paralysis. [audience laughs] But what I said was, “That’s what’s up.” -Like, yeah, man. Pow. -[audience laughs] [imitates explosion] [audience clapping] Then he stopped at the door. “But don’t shoot my mom.” I go, “Can we get a description before we agree to terms? [audience laughs] How about a height and weight on old mom?” [audience laughs] Not everybody agrees on weed. That’s fine, I don’t care. Like my parents, we don’t agree… They are not cool with weed. I don’t care. They’re old. I still love them. [audience laughs] My dad’s a Vietnam vet, you know. Some of them are cool… [audience whooping] -[man] Yeah! -…with weed. Some of them are not. Some don’t want to talk about Vietnam. -My dad does. -[audience laughs] Some are like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And my dad’s like, “What do you want to know?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I wanted to know as a kid. It’s terrible to ask a stranger this, but this was my own father. And I’d seen a lot of movies. So, I’m like, “You were in the war. Did you kill anybody?” The first time I asked him, he goes, “No, I didn’t.” I go, “All right. Okay.” A few years later, I asked him again. “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “I was a lieutenant. I was in charge of people. It didn’t work like that.” I said, “Okay.”  A few years later, I asked again, “You ever kill anybody?” And he goes, “I threw grenades into bunkers.” [audience laughs] I go, “Were there people in there?” He goes, “There were, yeah. [audience laughs] Just little pieces by the time I got in there.” [audience laughs] Then last year, I go, “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy.” [audience laughs] Whoa. I can remember the first time we ever talked about weed. Because it was Christmas Day. That’s why it stood out. I was 12 years old. I think my sister brought it up. She was like, “I want to smoke weed.” And my dad goes, “You want to know what I think of marijuana?” And I was genuinely curious. I go, “What, Dad?” He goes, “I was at a party one time. And somebody pulled out a marijuana cigarette. And I said, ‘I’m out of here.'” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Cool story, nerd. You got any other ones?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, yeah. One time, I was in Vietnam, and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana. So, I found him, and I picked him up by his throat, and I threw him on the ground, and I put my M16 in his face. And I said, ‘If you ever come here again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.'” And I go, “Do you have any stories in between those two stories?” [audience laughs] Jesus. It’s Christmas, bro. Goddamn. [audience laughs] Two years after that, there was a woodpecker fuckin’ up our house. [audience laughs] This will all make sense. And… [audience laughs] Woodpeckers can really damage your house. I remember my dad paid a guy $500 to patch up that part of the house. A month later, the woodpecker returned. This time, my dad did not call the guy. He woke me up, his teenage son, on a Saturday morning. Picture you’re dead asleep. And my dad, whispering in your ear, with his potent dad breath. [audience laughs] He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep, “I need you to shoot a bird.” [audience laughs] I just go, “I don’t do that.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Figure it out.” [audience laughs] So, I said, “Okay, Lieutenant.” And I got an air rifle. I shot the woodpecker. I remember, I shot it mid-peck, so it was going… [imitates woodpecker] [audience laughs] Landed in front of me. So much bigger up close. Really big. Red feathers, distinct features. I was blown away. I bagged it up, I threw it away. I went over to my girlfriend’s house, I started telling her family about it over lunch. I should mention, at the time, my girlfriend’s family ran a wildlife conservation center. So… [audience laughs] I didn’t know my audience. But… I heard a few forks drop, and I look up. And her dad goes, “Oh, my God. You killed a long-billed woodpecker. That’s an endangered species.” [audience murmurs] And I go, “Oh.” [audience laughs] I said, “My dad made me do it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “How does that make you feel, knowing that you did that?” And I said, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy. -It was fuckin’ awesome. -[audience laughs] I loved it. [audience cheering and clapping] Those birds are extinct now. I did that shit. I don’t give a fuck. I’m crazy.” So… [audience laughs] Oh, man. Don’t you hate everyone? -Um… -[audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about you guys. But, uh… [audience laughs] No, I’ve been on this tour for a long time. Too long. And I meet people sometimes after shows, you know. I meet people, and it’s always a roll of the dice. I’ve been meeting lunatics. I mean, I meet people. I met a guy after a show recently. I’m shaking people’s hands, saying hi. Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh… [mumbles] And I go, “What?” [audience laughs] And he goes… [mumbles] I said, “Where am I from originally?” And he goes… [mumbles] [audience laughs] I said, “I was born in Cincinnati, but I moved around a lot. [man] Yeah! And he goes, “Huh.” [mumbling] And I go, “Are you a person that’s talking to me right now?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then I decipher that what he’s saying is, [in Southern accent] “I’m from Lafayette, Louisiana, about 20 miles south of there. There’s a bunch of Seguras down there. I thought maybe you’re from there too.” And I go, “Oh. Fuckin’ no.” [audience laughs] [mumbling] And then I realized, we have this whole population of Cajun people living amongst us, like they’re one of us. [audience laughs] And they’re not. Why do they have rights? [audience laughs] This guy had the audacity to ask me, he goes… [mumbling] [audience laughs] I said, “Did you just ask me if there’s a Redbox around here?” [audience laughs] [mumbles] I go, “I don’t fuckin’ work here.” [audience laughs] Like, I thought he was moments away from being like, “I do declare. I am a cartoon character and I’ve come to life.” Here’s all I’m saying. I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you. [audience laughs] What are we gonna miss out on? [in Southern accent] “Where you gonna get your shrimp?” -Oh. -[audience laughs] What a contribution. [audience laughs] [in Southern accent] “No more gator, no more shrimp.” [audience laughs] Fuckin’ inbreds. So… [audience laughs] Cracker-ass inbreds, [laughs] we don’t need you. [audience laughs] Fuckin’ tell ’em. They’ll see this shit. Fuck you, cracker. So… [audience laughs] Probably checked in to 400 hotels this year. And when I tell you that this has happened to me more than half a dozen times, I am not exaggerating. Every hotel check-in begins, usually, the same. It’s standard. Hotels, you know, the people at the desk, they go, “Last name?” And this just happened to me. “Last name?” And I go, “Segura.” And the guy goes, “Whoa. Are you Japanese?” [audience laughs] And I go, “Hundred percent, yeah.” [audience laughs] He goes, “We don’t get a lot of Japanese people here. That’s pretty cool.” [audience laughs] So, I have to stop him, and go, “Hey, man. I’m not Japanese.” And he goes, [in gruff voice] “Segura. [audience laughs] Segura! Sounds Japanese.” I go, “That’s ’cause you’re saying it Japanese. [audience laughs] I could be Smith, and if you want to go [in gruff voice]  ‘Smith…’ -[audience laughs] -then it’s Japanese.” And he goes, “Well, what are you?” Which is fuckin’ rude. [audience laughs] Can I just say, it’s never important to ask that question. “What are you?” It’s never important to ask that. It’s sometimes important, but… -[audience laughs] -not a lot. When is it important? Sushi chef, accountant, 100-meter dash. -Outside of that… [audience laughs] Sometimes it matters, so… I tell ’em. I go, “Segura is Spanish.” And he goes, “That’s weird. You look white.” [audience laughs] And I go, “I am white.” And he goes, “But you’re Spanish?” And I go, “Correct.” He goes, “Do you speak Spanish?” I said, “Yes.” And he goes, “So, you’re Mexican.” [audience laughs] And I go, “No.” And he goes, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughs] I said, “What’s going on is you failed fuckin’ social studies. [audience laughs] And you’re not too good at geography either.” And then I see his head drop like he feels bad. “Look, man. You understand there’s white people in Mexico, you know that.” -And he goes, “No, I don’t.” -[audience laughs] I said, “There’s white people there, black people there, even Asian people there. And if you really want to shit your pants, those Asian people, -they speak Spanish too. -[audience laughs] You don’t expect it, but they’re like, ‘Dim sum…’ [speaking in Spanish] -They are… -[audience cheering] Asian, and they speak Spanish.” [imitates explosion] Now, as you can tell, I speak beautiful, perfect Spanish. And… It is to no credit of my own. My mother is Peruvian, and her English wasn’t good. So, she spoke to us in Spanish. And that’s how I picked up on Spanish. I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, “Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.” And I’m like, “I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why is this…?” They’re like, “It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.” So, I get that reaction, or I get people who are like, “You speak Spanish? Yeah, I speak Spanish too.” I’m like, “No, you don’t.” They’re like, “No, I took four years in high school.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I played football for four years in high school, and the Broncos aren’t giving me a look this week. -So, no, you don’t.” -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] Your Spanish sucks. With a capital “M” for mierda. Now… [audience laughs] I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household, which means I listened to a lot of Spanish music. I only point that out… I think it’s important to point out, when you listen to Spanish music, it influences who you become, like all music would. For me, I used to listen to this singer named Juan Luis Guerra, a Dominican singer. And he would sing, just a lot of love songs. Songs with titles like “Si Tu Te Vas.” Which means, “If you were to leave me.” And the lyrics go: [speaking in Spanish] Which means, “If you leave me, my heart would die.” I’m ten years old and I’m like, “Oh, shit. [audience laughs] I don’t want that to happen.” So, I would balance it out. I would listen to a lot of Todd Shaw. And you might know him by his stage name Too Short. And he would sing songs… [audience laughs] like “Blow Job Betty.” And… [audience whooping] I would go back and forth between these two great songwriters, you know? [singing in Spanish] ♪ I bust a left nut, right nut In her jaw ♪ ♪ Sperm on her cheeks Is all ya saw ♪ And that’s how I go through life today. [audience cheering and clapping] Today, I’m basically like, “Hola…” [grunting] [audience laughs] Sorry, Mom. Now… [audience laughs] By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? I did it… [audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, “Why does this feel so good?” I think it’s a taste of power. Like most of us, we have no power in our everyday lives. But if you’re alone in an elevator, -you are lord of the elevator shaft. -[audience laughs] You get to decide, like a king with his drawbridge. There’s “Hold Open,” and “Close.” And you can watch people walk up and be like, “Mm-mm.” -And you hit that. -[audience laughs] And then you see it close, and you’re like… [laughs] [audience laughs] Sometimes, a second later it opens, and you’re like, “Fuck!” [audience laughs] You get nervous energy, like you’re a kid. You’re like, “I’m in trouble.” [audience laughs] It’s always some lady who’s like, “You didn’t see me?” “I don’t even know how this thing works. So many buttons. I tried all of them.” [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I think it’s a parking lot. Just hear me out. It doesn’t matter what you drive. If you drive something, that parking space is yours. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. -[audience laughs] Don’t you love that moment? Like, you’re walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday, and you’re done shopping, and see you people like, “Ah… [audience laughs] Where will I park?” [audience laughs] And then they see me. “Hey, are you…?” -I’ll be like, “I don’t know. -[audience laughs] Maybe.” I like to give them false hope. Do you ever do that? They’re waiting for the brake light. First, they have their blinker on, like that’s an official… “My blinker’s… That shit is mine.” “Okay. Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?” [audience laughs] But they want your brake lights to appear, ’cause that means you’re starting the car. So I’ll just hit my brake. And release it. [audience laughs] And you feel the tension rising. You’re like, “This is exciting.” [audience laughs] And then they snap, and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing?!” [audience laughs] And that’s when I go, “I’m eating In-N-Out. I’m… [audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I’m gonna have this burger now. It’s probably gonna take an hour, I don’t know.” Then, as soon as they drive by, “No, I’ll eat it later. I’m gonna take off. [audience laughs] Yeah. I’m very philosophical, you guys. I feel like life is about timing, you know? Timing. When to pull out, when to… -[audience laughs] -stop wiping. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? And I think the answer is never. Thankfully, one of my friends doesn’t think this way. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? Now… Yeah, I know. They’re tough. So… [audience laughs] He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. -And then… -[audience laughs] he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. Now, if you’re like me, you might be wondering, “Wait, are you friends with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?” No, it’s a grown man. So… picture me in the tunnel of the stadium, -like, “Hi, guys. – [audience laughs] Keep your head up.” [audience laughs] “Can I have an autograph?” And he said they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “Fuck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] [Segura laughs] Oh, my God. And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. Now, if you don’t follow football and you’re like, “I don’t know who that is,” well, how can I best describe him? Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot. [audience laughs] And then, that happened two more times. What’s up? [audience laughs] I’ll give you a sense of his vibe as, bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. He is not approachable. So… [audience laughs] my honky-ass friend… [laughs] [audience laughs] [man] Whoo! the biggest honky in America… [laughs] [audience laughs] goes, “Pacman! [audience laughs] Will you sign this football?” And he said Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? All right, cool.” [audience laughs] My friend just decides to make it more clear. He’s like… “It’s a football. And you play it. [audience laughs] And I just watched you. Uh… [audience laughs] Will you sign this?” And he said Pac goes, “What the fuck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “I think, ’cause I’m actually shitting myself as it happens.” But now he knows he’s got one shot. Pac walks right up to him, like, “What’d you say?” My friend, he just goes, “Look, man. It’s a football. [audience laughs] It’s for my dad. And my dad loves you.” He said Pacman looked at him and he said, “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him.” [audience laughs] That’s the end of the story, but… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] [Segura laughs] Don’t you love the juxtaposition of angrily being like, “You tell that motherfucker,” but then, “Don’t forget to say thank you.” [audience laughs] I’ve been trying to incorporate that into my life. I was at an airport bar, I was getting up, and they called my flight. The bartender goes, “Somebody recognized you. They sent you a drink.” “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it. And he goes, “What the hell did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] I said, “Fuck his mother, I appreciate her. Tell him that.” [audience laughs] Asshole. So… I still haven’t found a place for it, but I’m working on it. So… I met, um… Like I said, I meet a lot of people. I met a woman after a show recently. They’re allowed at my shows. And… [audience laughs] See? They’re here. And, uh… [audience laughs] She came up to me and she was like… [giggles] [audience laughs] -It’s a very specific woman, all right? -[audience laughs] I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression. Everybody’s like, “I know who you’re talking about right now.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause every city has…. [giggles] [audience laughs] You know my favorite part of that woman? If you go, “Why are you laughing?” She’ll go, “I’m not.” [giggles] [audience laughs] Okay. So, she comes up to me and she goes, “Funny show.” [grunts] And I go, “Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” So, I go… [audience laughs] I go, “Thank you.” “Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?” And I was like, “Ugh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I’m not gonna…” [audience laughs] She goes, “Yeah, I get it.” And I was like, “Good.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “I’m super horny.” And I go, “Okay.” She goes, “I’m horny the way guys are.” And I go, “No, you’re not.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “Yeah… I am.” [audience laughs] And I said, “You’re really not.” And she goes, “Yeah, why do you say that?” And I said, “Let me tell you a little story. [audience laughs] When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. I looked 47 years old.” [audience laughs] It was alarming to other students. [audience laughs] They would see me walking through the door, and they’d be like, “Are you a fuckin’ administrator here or something?” I’d be like, “I’m a freshman. I’m 18.” And they’re like, “You’re a narc, that’s what you are.” [audience laughs] This is my birth face, man. I’m 41 Jump Street. So… [audience laughs] With this face, came great responsibility. I bought alcohol for our entire dorm. I don’t mean three or… Everybody. It wasn’t even a challenge. I looked so old, that when I walked into liquor stores, they’d be like, “Hello, sir. How’s the stock market today?” Shit like that. [audience laughs] I bought booze. Everybody got booze. I did the same thing with pornography. Let me tell you, before you jump at me like, “Why would you do that? You could just watch it in your dorm room online.” Well, the story takes place in 1997, and… [audience laughs] there was a lot of buffering back then. That is the truth. [audience laughs] I don’t know if you remember the late ’90s or were even around, but porn in the late ’90s was like, “Ah. Hm.” [audience laughs] “Ah. Hm.” Who am I kidding? I use my right hand, so, “Ah. Hm.” Now… keep in mind, I’m not buying porn for a couple buddies. It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college. You can’t wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were. [audience laughs] I would go door-to-door, and guys would hand me cash and their wish list. They’d be like, “I want black cocks, asses and feet. Don’t fuck it up.” -I was like, “All right.” -[audience laughs] Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like… [audience laughs] “Mom said not to forget.” [fakes laughter] [audience laughs] So, one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn. And the owner of the store comes up to me. “You should go to this other store.” And I’m like, “That is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man.” [audience laughs] So I go, “Why?” And he just goes, “I just think you’ll like it.” And so I go, “Okay.” I go. He sends me to… I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a cement-block building with no sign or address. The kind of building that’s like, “I don’t know. You fuckin’ guess what’s in here.” [audience laughs] Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt. Which, I think we all know, is the international uniform for the last guy you’ll ever see. Now… [audience laughs] this guy… is behind the counter. He looks up and sees me. And the first words out of his mouth are, “Piss fetish?” -And I go, “What? -[audience laughs] No.” And he goes, “Oh, I got a full bladder. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughs] I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.” [audience laughs] I said, “Well, then, show me around. -Let me see what else you have.” You know? -[audience laughs] I don’t want to be closed-minded. So we go through the store. He shows me movies and toys. He goes, “We got a booth. You can put in a quarter.” And I go, “Yeah, I got it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “But this here’s our VIP. And you’ll notice, there’s a hole in the wall. And if you’re standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole. And they’ll go just… like… this. And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole, and [clicks tongue] someone will suck it on the other side. [audience laughs] And my dumb ass goes, “Is it a guy or a girl?” [audience laughs] He goes, “You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?” [audience laughs] So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me. And fear shooting down my spine. As I was certain I was gonna get kidnapped and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty. So I said… [audience laughs] “I”ll just take my movies. Thanks.” So lady, when you say you’re horny “the way guys are,” I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are. [audience cheering and clapping] And she goes, “Yeah. I’m not that horny.” And I go, “I know.” [audience laughs] See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are. If you’re a woman here with a man right now, you should know he is two drinks away from walking to that booth. -And honestly… -[audience laughs] I’m no better. If he had answered my question differently… “Is that a guy or a girl?” He went, “I don’t know.” I’d be like, “I don’t fuckin’ know either, so…” [audience laughs] “She’s got a rough chin on her, for sure. Where’d you go, man? I don’t see you anywhere.” All right. I lost some of you on that one. That’s how that goes. -So… -[audience laughs] I see. Some women are like, “Mm-mm. [audience laughs] My man would never do that.” Okay. Sure. [audience laughs] You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited “pig-tential.” [audience laughs] Just needs a little nudge from you, coach. How about that? [audience laughs] Doesn’t go both ways. Isn’t that fascinating? If you’re a guy, you can’t be like, “I want you to eat it from behind.” She’ll be like, “The fuck did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] But a woman can go, “I want you to eat it from behind.” And we’re like… [mumbles] -[audience laughs] “I’m gonna take some home in a doggie bag.” [barking] [audience laughs] [audience whistling] I’m getting older. I know. We all are. But I am. I feel like I’m getting old. And I know you guys are looking up, you’re like, “What? You’re perfect.” But that’s on the outside, you know? [audience laughs] You know what the biggest kick in the balls is? Is when your vision starts to decline. Especially if you’ve had perfect vision. I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve had excellent vision. I’ve had vision that’s off the charts. Like, if I’m hanging out with friends, and there’s a sign ten blocks away, I can see it. “How do you see that?” “Jesus loves me. I see it. I can see it right now.” [audience laughs] And now I have, like, the squint of death. Or I look at shit like that. People are like, “You all right?” “Yeah. I’m just looking at shit. Don’t you ever look at shit?” [audience laughs] And it’s tough to accept. I’ve been in denial. You know where you can’t be in denial anymore? The DMV. I went to renew my license. And when you go, you sign and you pay. Very casually, the lady goes, “Can you read line three?” And I was still arrogant about it. I was like, “Pfft. Check this shit out. [audience laughs] A, X, G, L, seven.” She goes, “Seven?” [audience laughs] I go, “What the fuck is that? [audience laughs] I don’t think I’ve ever seen that symbol before in my entire life.” And she goes, “That’s a T.” So, I went… [chuckles] [audience laughs] “Pretty close.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Yeah, you’re right. That’s pretty close.” [audience laughs] It’s the Los Angeles DMV, so… I leave. I’m in a panic. I go straight to my doctor. I go to the same abusive asshole doctor I’ve been seeing for over a decade. [audience cheering and clapping] I walk into his office. I go, “Dude, test my vision.” And he goes, “You should get a prostate exam.” [audience laughs] I’m like, “For my eyes?” And he goes, “You should do it.” “I’m not even 40.” He goes, “Try it.” -I’m like, “Try it? -[audience laughs] Like a sorbet? Just see if I’m into this flavor?” And he was like, “Yeah.” And I go, “All right, you’re my doctor. So, okay.” So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. He lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, “That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,” like that. [audience laughs] It’s moderately funny. But if someone’s finger is going in your ass, as they say that, you’re laughing. I promise you, you’re laughing. [audience laughs] Just out of appreciation, you know. You’re like, “You said cock.” [laughs] [audience laughs] That’s crazy. And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. He goes, “You feel all right.” I go, “Okay.” Then he goes, “Hey, if you want a second opinion, -I could put another finger in there.” -[audience laughs] So, I go… [laughs] “Get it out.” [audience laughs] He goes, “Well, stop laughing. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. I can’t get my finger out until you stop laughing.” And I go, “Get it the fuck out. Now.” [audience laughs] Then I sit up. I go, “Did you just give me a prostate exam so you could run those two lame-ass jokes by me?” [audience laughs] -And he goes, “Yes, I did.” -[audience laughs] And I said, “It was really funny, actually.” [audience laughs] Then he tested my vision. He washed his hands, he tested my vision. [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re right. You have latent farsightedness.” I go, “What does that mean?” This is his quote. “Your vision’s always sucked. You just didn’t know it.” [audience laughs] I go, “Do you care to explain more?” He goes, “Think of it like this. Your eyes have been fighting to make you think you can see well. And now they’re tired. [audience laughs] That’s why you’re here.” I go, “Dude, that’s like me saying, ‘I’m young, uh, and my skin got tired. Now I’m old.'” [audience laughs] He goes, “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” I go, “No, it isn’t. [audience laughs] I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know. [audience laughs] I used to have hair, but they got tired, then they fell out.” And he goes, “Now, you’re getting it.” I’m like, “Dude. [audience laughs] How do you get paid to do this?” And I get why you laugh at my physical flaws. Physical flaws are funny. They just are. Disabilities are not. But some are. [audience laughs] Most aren’t. We know those ones, you know? Like, if there’s a 10K or a quilt. That’s pretty bad, but… [audience laughs] The rest are up for debate. [audience laughs] If you’re sitting here and you’re like, “Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?” Well, luckily for you, I have three examples. First… foreign accent syndrome. Some of you know about it, some of you don’t. It’s real. You can look it up on your way out of here. Some people experience head trauma. Not funny. But they wake up speaking their native language with a foreign accent. Very funny. [audience laughs] I defy you to watch interviews with these people and not piss yourself laughing. [audience laughs] Do you understand? Like, a farmer in Alabama who’s normally like… [mumbling] -That guy… -[audience laughs] hits his head and is now like, “Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh… It fell.” That’s not funny to you, you piece of shit? Really? [audience laughs] The best case ever of foreign accent syndrome happened in the UK. Not only was it a British woman who lived her entire life in the UK, she’d never left the town she was born in for 33 years. She was in an accident, and she woke up speaking English, but with a Chinese foreign accent. [audience laughs] Did you hear what I just fuckin’ said? [audience laughs] Do you now believe in God and his awesome sense of humor? [audience laughs] A British lady, who, her whole life, was like, [in British accent] “Hello. It’s a bit of a whiffle, isn’t it? – Like that. – [audience laughs] Now says, [in Chinese accent] “I have not had my conversation, -and it’s over three year now.” – [audience laughs] First, do you know how hard it is to do that impression without squinting? Secondly… [audience laughs] if you’re getting uncomfortable, like, “Whoa. He’s mocking an Asian accent?” No. She’s white. This is fine. -A white… -[audience laughs] British lady just happens to say, [in Chinese accent] “Would you like… a cup of tea? [audience laughs] Taste good? [audience laughs] You want milk? You want biscuit? Oh, good. You want me suck the dick now?” -I don’t know, whatever. -[audience laughs] She’s a nice British lady. She can say whatever she wants. If you’re sitting in your seat right now and you’re like… [grunting] “I don’t think it’s funny.” Well, don’t get your tits in a tussle. I got two more for you. So… [audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] What about persistent genital arousal disorder? [audience laughs] That is a fancy way of saying, “Never not coming.” These are people that have orgasms every 90 seconds. And they can’t have jobs. Why can’t they have jobs, Tom? ‘Cause they’re coming all the time. [audience laughs] It’s not appropriate for you to be like, “Can I try on this shirt?” And the guy’s like… [grunts] [audience laughs] “Fuck your shirt. I’m gonna wear my old shit. I’m not wearing your fuckin’ shirt.” Can you imagine? You’re like, “We’re out of orange juice.” Or… -[audience laughs] -Oh. “Just bring water, that’s too much sugar. I don’t want any more of that.” Some people suffer from both of those afflictions. It’s rare, but it happens. Can you imagine that? You walk up to somebody like, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad passing away.” And he’s like… [audience laughs] “That feels good.” [audience laughs] I made that one up. That’s not true, but… [audience laughs] That was cheap, but that was fun. Now… If you’re still not on board with this, how about an old reliable one? You know, how about Tourette’s syndrome. Yeah. Maybe you’ve heard of that. If you haven’t, let me tell you. When I was in fifth grade, my parents sent me to a new school on a Wednesday. I’ll never forget. It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, “In the name of the Father, and the Son…” And the kid in the row in front of me goes, “Fuck your cunt.” [audience laughs] And I’m like, “Oh. Uh-uh.” Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, “Holy Spirit.” -Starts reading from the Bible. -[audience laughs] -This kid goes, “Lick my balls! -[audience laughs] Fuck you!” I am laughing so goddamn hard. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I’m having a stroke. I’m ten. I’m like… [mumbling] I have tears running down my face. And finally I am able to get out, “How come nobody else… [audience laughs] is laughing?” [audience laughs] And the kid next to me goes, “He’s got Tourette’s. It gets old.” [audience laughs] Three years I was at that school. That shit never got old. That was… [audience laughs] the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon me. And I’ll tell you this. The greatest day of my life, up until the day my son was born, was the day we had a substitute teacher that year, and they didn’t warn her about him. [audience laughs] Your imagination is serving you correctly. [audience laughs] It was glorious. I watched a ten-year-old boy break a grown woman’s spirit. [audience laughs] These poor substitutes don’t know what’s going on in your class. She walked in… Somehow, they didn’t tell her. And she’s like, “Read chapter three.” And his ticks would build. Meaning, they would start small. So he would be sitting in class, like… [mumbles] [audience laughs] [mumbling] So she goes, “What’s going on?” And we’re like… [gasps] “She doesn’t know.” [audience laughs] And he would do this every day. He would take markers and paint his own shirt. Every day he did it, but she doesn’t know about it. She sees it. “What are you doing?” “What do you think, bitch?” -[grunts] -[audience laughs] Then he starts painting his face with the marker. And she goes, “Stop that.” And he goes, “Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.” And she’s like, “What’s happening? What’s happening?” And we go, “That’s Kevin. Why are you crying so much right now?” [audience laughs] She killed herself. She’s dead. So… [audience laughs] She’s out of teaching, but she’s fine. So… I know. Some of you guys are like, “Jesus, he’s a real jerk.” I’m not that bad. I’m not. I’m a new dad. How about that? I, uh… Yeah. [audience cheering and clapping] Yeah. It’s the best. It’s awesome. Guys always hit me up. I don’t know why they trust me. “Should I do it?” And I’m like, “Of course you should do it. It’s the best. It’s awesome. They’re amazing. And also, being a dad is easy, man. Super easy. It’s way easier than being a mom.” [audience laughs] Here’s all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously. Don’t abandon your kid. That’s it. That’s all you gotta do. [audience laughs] No, I do believe being a mother is inherently harder, especially at the beginning. And that’s why I don’t like when I hear men complain about it. I have friends that are like, “My kid cries a lot.” And I’m like, “Yeah, ’cause you’re his dad. That’s why he cries a lot. If I saw your face first thing in the morning, I’d bawl my fuckin’ eyes out too, so…” What do you mean, “He cries”? He can’t talk, you dumb-shit. “Ah” means something. Figure it the fuck out. That’s why they make them so cute. Did you know that? [audience laughs] It’s so you don’t strangle them. [audience laughs] My son is so fuckin’ cute. He’s not Asian-baby cute, but he’s right below that, you know? [audience laughs] Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined. I would throw away 20 white babies to have an Asian baby. [audience laughs] But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so… [audience laughs] Five? I don’t know. Can we please stop, collectively, as a society, stop pushing the myth that having a baby is a selfless act? I hear people say that shit. “It’s the most selfless thing… -[mumbles] -[audience laughs] that you’ll ever do.” No, it’s not. It’s not selfless. It’s selfish. Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall in love with a miniature version of you. [audience laughs] What’s more selfish than that? You’re like, “This is awesome. It looks just fuckin’ like me. [audience laughs] I’ve never loved anything more in my entire life. [audience laughs] My favorite parts of you are the parts that look like me. [audience laughs] Some parts look like you. Those parts are all right, but… [audience laughs] the parts that look like me are amazing. I would do anything for you, mostly because I feel like I’m doing it for myself. [audience laughs] You’re the best, new fresh me.” [kissing] [audience laughs] That’s what you’re doing. You’re populating the world with more of you. You’re saying, “I’m fantastic. [blows raspberry] -Here’s another one of me.” [audience laughs] Do we really need that many more of you? Yeah? I mean, do we? I mean, Martin Luther King Jr. had four. I get it. He should’ve had ten. But you? [audience laughs] All excited about, “Crab legs are on sale at Costco on Sunday, y’all.” [audience laughs] I think we’re all good on you. I think maybe you should stop. Now, I’ll be real with you. If you’re wondering about it, about parenthood, you’re gonna have no more time. It’s okay, ’cause you’ll still have moments. Time and moments are different. What’s time? Time is like, let’s say tomorrow you sleep in till noon, and then you eat food in bed. And then you go, “Fuck today.” And you go back to sleep. [audience laughs] You got a lot of time on your hands. Moments are like, you take a sip of something. “That’s good.” That moment is now over. See? [audience laughs] You live in moments. Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right. That’s why. Yeah. I love it, man. I clear the bed. The dogs can watch, but nobody else, you know. [audience laughs] I’m at the point now where I taunt myself. Any of you do that? I’ll lay in bed and I’ll be like, “Who’s been a good boy? Oh. [audience laughs] Who’s been good? Who’s been bad?” And then I grab my balls from behind, like, “Who the fuck was that? [audience laughs] Did you…? You brought somebody?” “I didn’t bring anybody.” But… I keep it exciting. I’m telling you the truth! [audience laughs] “Cool shoes, Tom. Where’d you get ’em.” All right, I’ll tell you. So… [audience laughs] I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon. And did a few shows. Big show like this. A group came up to me afterwards, and they go, “We noticed you have Nikes on. Do you like them?” And I go, “Yes.” [audience laughs] “Do you want to come to Nike headquarters tomorrow?” And I said, “Not really. No. I like your shoes. I don’t want to see your office, man.” And he goes, “Well, you can shop at the employee store.” So, I go, “What’s that?” He said, “It’s a warehouse that has every product imaginable. And you would get 50 percent off.” And I go, “How about I rent a U-Haul and I empty your fuckin’ store tomorrow?” [audience laughs] He goes, “Have at it.” I get excited. Next morning he calls me. He goes, “I wanted to tell you, you can come to Nike, but you’re not allowed to shop in our store.” And I go, “Why?” He goes, “We put your name in our system, and it was flagged.” I’m like, “Flagged. By Nike. For not doing sit-ups? What the fuck is that all about?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “No. You’re a person of influence.” And I go, “Excuse me?” He goes, “You’re an entertainer. We call that a person of influence. You’re not allowed to shop in the store.” I go, “That’s fucked up.” “You can try to go through the entertainment division.” “What’s that?” And he goes, “That’s free stuff.” I go, “All right.” So… [audience laughs] I get that number and I call. And this guy answers, “Nike Entertainment.” And I go, “Hey. Tom Segura.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m a person of influence.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m calling about my free shit.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “All right.” And I go, “So, how do you want to do it?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “We’ll regroup, and we’ll get back to you.” And I go, “Okay.” And they never called, so I bought these Adidas for $130. So… [audience cheering and clapping] Fuck you, Nike! [audience laughs] Let’s see if you even survive without my purchases now. [audience laughs] You want to know how crazy that company is? I told that story in New York City at a show. And the next day, a Nike executive got my cell phone number, and called me and goes, “I was at your show last night. And I think it’s very rude that you’re telling that story.” And I go, “Pfft. I think it’s rude that you didn’t give me free shit.” [audience laughs] “I think you should stop telling that story.” And I go, “Fuck you. [audience whooping] Get out of here, man.” [audience cheering and clapping] And he goes, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] And I go, “Why don’t you change my diaper?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “What?” I said, “You heard me, bitch.” [audience laughs] And it was at that moment I realized, we have this amazing insult at our fingertips -that we’re just not utilizing enough. -[audience laughs] Why isn’t “Change my diaper” part of the lexicon? It should be the ultimate insult. It should be “Fuck you.” “Why don’t you fuck your mother?” “Why don’t you change my diaper?” Game over. [audience laughs] I’m serious. Rappers should wear them in videos, and be like, “Change my diaper, bitch.” [audience laughs] The president of another country should tell ours… [audience laughs] “Change my diaper, orange man.” [audience cheering and clapping] And listen. If you’re a parent, you know exactly why that insult is so appealing. If you’re not, let me key you in on a little secret. There’s a reason your asshole is the only part of your body you can’t physically see. It’s a fuckin’ horror show, okay? [audience laughs] When you have a little one, you have a front-row seat for years. And my son shits with his eyes closed. I don’t know how often you do that. I’m guessing it’s twice a year. Maybe the day you get back from Cancun, and when you tell the lady in the Thai restaurant, “Yeah, I can handle my spice.” [audience laughs] My son, every single shit, he’s like… [grunts] And when he’s done, he makes eye contact, and you’re like,  “Whoa.” And he pushes out the last bit as he stares through you. He’s like… And you’re like, “Ugh. You’re nasty as hell. Gross.” Just once, it would be nice if, as I’m cleaning my son’s shit-filled asshole, if he would look up at me. “Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” And I’d be like, “Yeah. And I appreciate you.” [audience clapping] Thanks, Denver. You’re so much fun. Have a great night. Appreciate you very much. Thank you so much. [audience cheering and clapping] You’re the best. [audience cheering and clapping] Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Love you. Good night.

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Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-let-me-explain-2013-full-transcript/

The show starts with Kevin at a party with friends and fans. Some of the fans start getting on his nerves by saying things that they say Kevin said-he denies it and accusing him of doing things that he says he didn’t. One fan even accuses Kevin of being a LAB, which stands for ‘Local-Ass-Bitch’ and it refers to where he performs his stand up. Kevin gets so angry that he tells his agent, who luckily is also at the party, that he needs to book Madison Square Garden right now, so he can explain his side of things. Clips are shown of Kevin performing in other countries such as Sweden, The Netherlands, Canada and England, all to sold out crowds. The rest of the movie, he is shown at Madison Square Garden, New York, performing to a sold out crowd [At a club] Harry Ratchford: This is Harry GoodSpeed and the Plastic Cup Boyz, here at the Kevin Hart mix and mingle after-party, baby. It’s going down. Let’s go, baby! Hey, yo, that little jackass right there dancing! Kevin Hart: Hey, come on, get this! Craziness, as usual. Crazy. Yo, I’m about to make a toast. You trying to roll? Harry Ratchford: No, no. I got some girls in the stairway waiting for me. Kevin Hart: All right, well… Ew! Nasty ass. Brian, come on. And stop leaving me, jackass! Spank, I’m about to make a toast, yo. Kevin Hart [to the Crowd]: Hey! Hey, yo! Yo! Everybody, real quick. Let me get your attention. Welcome to my mix and mingle event, everybody. Yeah, that’s right, boy! We’re toasting to a great year, man. It’s been a great year for me. We’re gonna have a blast tonight. Drinks are free, it’s all on me. Crowd: What up, Big K! Kevin Hart: It’s a celebration! Have fun, everybody! Party guy: Kevi-Kev! Baby boy! Kevin Hart: What’s up, baby? Party guy: How you feeling, baby? Good to see you. Hey, thank you for inviting a dapper brother like me. Kevin Hart: No problem, man. Party guy: They say you ain’t been talking to your dad. Is that shit true? Kevin Hart: No. Let me explain something to you. Listen, that’s not… Party guy: Get your shit together. Kevin Hart: No. No, dude. Hey, hey. I can explain what… Girl[s]: Hey, boo! Kevin Hart: Wow! How you doing? Girl[s]: Is it true you don’t fuck with dark-skinned bitches no more? Kevin Hart: Huh? [tries to cover camera] You ain’t even dark-skinned! Let me explain something to you. Girl[s]: No, no, no, no Kevin Hart: I said… Wait, now. Girl[s]: I don’t wanna hear it. Neither do my girls. Kevin Hart: Do your girls? Listen, let me talk to you. Harry Ratchford: [Pulling Kevin away]What are you doing, man? Kevin Hart: You got some goddamn nerve! Harry Ratchford: Get your ass over here, man. Kevin Hart: That girl be yelling at me. I can fucking yell back. Harry Ratchford: N i g g a, you asked for that! That’s the price of fame. Kevin Hart: That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Harry Ratchford: I can’t deal with you, man. I need somebody to talk some sense into your dumb ass. Kevin Hart: Harry Harry Ratchford: Yo, Spank! Kevin Hart: That’s stupid for you to get Spank. Harry Ratchford: Yo! Listen, jackass over here mad, ’cause he can’t compare to Eddie Murphy. Kevin Hart: What was that? Spank: What? Kevin Hart: First, quiet. First of all, I never said anything like that. Spank: Dude! That’s the price of fame Kevin Hart: What the fuck are you… I never said… Let me explain something to you, Spank. What I just said… Spank: Ain’t nobody trying to hear that shit. Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, Na’im! Fucking Kev over here getting upset because Soul Plane bombed. Na’im: It bombed. It flopped Spank: That was yesterday! Na’im: That’s the price of fame. You asked for this. Fan: Kev, Kev. Kevin motherfucking Hart Kevin Hart: Who the fuck is this? Fan: No. Hold on, man. Listen, I’m a fan. Kevin Hart: Oh, thank you Fan: But only in America. Kevin Hart: What? Fan: You ain’t shit until you perform in Paris. Kevin Hart: Okay Fan: Old LAB-ass n i g g a. Local-ass bitch. [subtitle: LAB / adj /: local-ass-bitch] Crowd: Come on, y’all. Kevin Hart: Hey, Terry! Hey! Get him out of here! Fan: Hey! Hey! [On the roof, Kevin is alone] Kevin Hart: I can’t believe this shit, man. Whoo! You got to be kidding me. I can’t even enjoy myself at my own mix and mingle party. I put this party together! Why can’t I enjoy myself? ‘Cause I’m dealing with a bunch of people who wanna tell me about my life. Why you gonna talk to yourself? You know what? Be a man and confront somebody. Want me to explain myself? [pause in thought] That’s exactly what I’mma do. [walking back into the club] Nate! Nate! Where’s Nate at? Y’all seen Nate? Nate! Come here. I know what I wanna do. I want you to call the Garden, tell them I’m coming down there to get some shit off my chest right now. Nate: Kevin, all this food, and you want Olive Garden, man? For real? Kevin Hart: Nate, ain’t nobody talking about no goddamn Olive Garden. I’m talking about Madison Square Garden, Nate. Tell them I’m coming down there right now to explain some shit. Nate: We can’t just call the Garden. Kevin Hart: God damn it, Nate! What are you doing? Okay, look, we don’t go back and forth. That’s not why I pay you. Okay, I pay you to do what I ask you to do. Right now, what I’m asking you to do needs to get done. So do it! Nate: Kev, you know how many people Madison’s gonna hold? Kevin Hart: God, Nate, if I… Why am I going back and forth with you? Huh? Is that your job? You don’t go back and forth with me. Nate, I’ll punch you. I’ll double-punch your face, and I’ll break both of your eyes. Nate: You seriously the boss, Kev, all right. Kevin Hart: You’re goddamn right I’m the boss. And let me tell you something about the boss. Sometimes, when the boss gets hungry, he turns into an elephant. Which means he needs some nuts. And right now, I’m about to get some nuts. Nate: Exactly what does that mean, though, Kev? Kevin Hart: Shut this party down. Right now. Nate: Shut the party down. Madison Square Garden. This n i g g a crazy. Kevin Hart: I’m about to go to Madison Square Garden and explain. Nate’s setting it up right now. Don’t try to talk me out of it! I’m doing it right now! Don’t try to stop me! Guy at the Party: Oh, shit! Kevin Hart: Don’t try to stop me! Plastic Cup Boyz: Hey, Kev, hold on! Kevin Hart: Well then, try and stop me! I’m going! Plastic Cup Boyz: Hey, Kev, what you doing, man? D.J.: What the fuck you doing, man? Don’t be touching my shit! Nate: Shut your ass up, man. Everybody, listen up! This party’s officially over. Kevin’s about to go to Madison Square Garden ’cause he wants to explain. Good night. Crowd: Shall we go? Where? He’s going to explain! Go! Go, go, go, go! Plastic Cup Boyz: Kev! Wait! Crowd: Oh, shit. Move, bitch! Kevin Hart: Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Party Guy: Oh, hell no! Why this motherfucker didn’t take the elevator? Kevin Hart: God damn it. I should have took the elevator. Plastic Cup Boyz: Kev! What you doing? Kevin Hart: Get your goddamn hands off me. Plastic Cup Boyz: But the Garden? You gonna do the Garden? Kevin Hart: You’re damned right I’mma do the Garden! Plastic Cup Boyz: Man, he crazy. Kevin Hart: Why shouldn’t I? Plastic Cup Boyz: It’s gonna be 30,000 people at the Garden, my n i g g a. Kevin Hart: There’s 30,000 goddamn people at the Garden? Well, didn’t nobody tell me that. I’m out, I’m out. Right now. I’m going. I’m about to leave. To the Garden. Phew! [clearing his throat] Relax. Breathe, Kevin, you are fine. You’re ready for this. Okay? It’s time! It’s time that you explained this shit. [In a mind cloud] Girl[s]: Is it true you don’t fuck with dark-skinned bitches no more? Kevin Hart: Why would I not like dark-skinned girls? I don’t even know where that came from. I’m friends with so many dark-skinned girls. So many. My daughter’s dark-skinned! I love my daughter. So I guess I don’t love my daughter? Boy, I will tell you. [In a mind cloud] Girl[s]: I heard his little ass don’t even talk to his ex-wife no more. Kevin Hart: Okay, me and my ex-wife are friends! What are you talking about? “The divorce, did Kevin change?” “Oh, he Hollywood now. Kevin Hollywood now, ’cause he got a divorce.” Please. We’re friends. We’re applicable. We’re applicable. I hope I said that word right, ’cause I don’t even know. [subtitle: He meant Amicable. We were scared to correct him.] But we are. That’s the best thing about being a comedian, I can address it. I can talk about it my damn self [In a mind cloud showing a picture of his DUI arrest] Hollywood reporter voice: Hey, look! It’s that hysterical comedian, Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart: Yeah, well… There ain’t no way to explain that. That’s just… It’s a bad day. [In a mind cloud] Fan: Old LAB-ass n i g g a. Kevin Hart: Okay, okay, now that’s enough… Fan: Local-ass bitch. Kevin Hart: I’m not gonna tolerate that. Not after what I’ve been through this year. You’re not gonna call me no LAB, no “local-ass bitch.” You know why? I traveled the world doing comedy, people. I did! You know what, I don’t like the fact that I’m telling you this. I would much rather show you. Look for yourself, people. [Montage of his world tour] Kevin Hart: This is my second time coming back here, and you guys have shown me nothing but love. Fan[s]: Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Awesome. Kevin Hart is the funniest man alive. Kevin Hart: You ain’t got no daddy Thank you for the love. Thank you for the support. Fan[s]: We totally love him. Keep coming! It was amazing. I love Kevin. Kevin Hart: I fucking love you, Toronto! Thank you! Fan[s]: The show was awesome! It was great. We love you, Kevin Hart! I feel such genuine… Kevin Hart: You have no idea how much I love and appreciate y’all for the fucking support that you guys have given me. [On the tour bus] Plastic Cup Boyz: You about to shit, ain’t you? Kevin Hart: No, no. Ain’t no shitting on the bus. Plastic Cup Boyz: It is if it’s shitting on a good bus. Kevin Hart: No shitting on a bus. Plastic Cup Boyz: Downstairs? Kevin Hart: No, ain’t no shitting on the bus at all. I’m calling a team meeting right now. No shitting. No shitting on the bus, dude. Plastic Cup Boyz: I can’t, man! I shit at least seven times a day. When they gotta shit, we’ll pull over and go to… So we can pull over? Yeah. Kevin Hart: Yeah. We ain’t telling you to shit on yourself! Plastic Cup Boyz: Well, I will. Kevin Hart: I got a rule. A n i g g a shit on a bus, you gotta pay that $500. Plastic Cup Boyz: $500 to take a shit? That’s a fine. So, how do I say. Kevin Hart: “What’s up, everybody?” Okay. Now, how many people know who I am? Ask them. Crowd: I love Kevin Hart! Kevin Hart: Let me say something. I have never been to Oslo in my life. Never, ever. And the first time I come here, you guys welcome me with a sold-out show. Genuinely, I fucking thank you. Fan[s]: I loved him in Soul Plane. Definitely his best work. Well, Kevin, you’re awesome. It was nice seeing you in Denmark. Yeah. We’ll miss you, and you definitely need to come back. All right, all right, all right! [Non-English language] [Subtitle: We love you Kevin Hart!] [Subtitle: You and I are getting married tonight.] Kevin Hart: Amsterdam! Thank you for the love. Thank you for the support. You wanna see if n i g g a s is weird or not? Be on a bus with them for 10 hours. You’re gonna see a lot of shit. Plastic Cup Boyz: We’ve been driving for eight hours. We could have been there in one on a goddamn plane. Kevin Hart: I think it was a smart decision. Plastic Cup Boyz: Man, this is the dumbest shit he ever did. Don’t nobody do this. He’s still the same dumb motherfucker he was goddamn 27 years ago. Just look like a bunch of idiots on a double-decker bus. Kevin Hart: Either get on a plane for two and a half hours, or take a bus for 10 hours and be with your friends and talk to one another. Plastic Cup Boyz: Some people on here stink. There’s a stench from hell. It’s just a lot of funky-ass… It’s like gumbo. …I’ll-hygiene-ass n i g g a s on this bus. Kevin Hart: It’s fucking disgusting. That’s why I stay back here in the quarters, you know. Me and my lady, we lay back here in comfort. Hey, the tour bus was a mistake! Birmingham, you guys are amazing. Thank you for the love. I’m out. Fan[s]: It was chill!/ The show was hilarious. I love you!/ That was amazing. That was a brilliant show. Kevin! …all the way. You gotta see him, you gotta see him. Brilliant. Excellent. He’s sexy in real life/ All right, all right! I’m gonna marry you. Whoo! Kevin! Come back to the UK and smash it again, Kevin Hart. The guy is good all the time. Kevin Hart: Wow! London, this is crazy! I can’t believe this, man. I came here and sold out. I appreciate you all. I love you all. Friends of Kevin: I really feel like Kevin has grown into the young mogul that he really wants to be. Kevin was a guy that was true to his story. He knew where he came from, he knew where he wanted to go. I’ve seen where we started. And to see him go from a hole-in-the-wall bar in Atlantic City to performing in front of 15,000 people, you know, you gotta take your hat off. I mean, he can go into Norway, and Sweden and Denmark, and get the reception that he’s getting. He’s becoming a global brand. Fan[s]: Everything he’s done, we’ve pretty much seen on YouTube. YouTube/ YouTube. On YouTube, everything. I then saw him on YouTube and I thought he was hilarious. But I’ve seen his stuff in YouTube, and I love that, man. I’ve seen, like, every show on YouTube. I’ve seen all your shows on YouTube, man! [Counter showing 63,000,000 views on YouTube] Friends of Kevin: I’m some 1,000 miles away in other countries, and the love that this cat is getting… He’s so loyal. Like, he doesn’t want anybody to feel like he’s not there for them. This is a team. This has been running for four years strong, and we all work good together. Kevin Hart: God, be that angel in my corner like you always are. Mom, I know you’re watching over me, and I know you’re proud. Amen. * * * [Stand up Begins] [The crowd cheers as Hart enters in hip hop fashion with bright signs, music, and fire. While he walks around stage.] Kevin Hart: I know I’m in Madison Square Garden, and this shit is sold out. Y’all better make some fucking noise! I’m gonna say it again. I know I’m in fucking Madison Square Garden. This bitch sold out. Y’all better make some fucking noise! Uh… [Pause as crowd cheers. Hart is pointing to backstage] You see my fire? You see my fire? You got to be a big deal to have fire, people. [pointing at himself] It means I’m a big goddamn deal. Let me tell you why I got fire. Let me tell you why. I went to go see Jay-Z and Kanye perform, right? These n i g g a s had a bunch of fire. I was like, “Yo, this show is the shit, ’cause they got fire.” No comedian has ever had fire. I’m about to be the first comedian with some fucking fire. So… Because of that, throughout my show, you’re gonna see a bunch of pointless fire. You’re laughing? I’m not playing. I’m dead serious. You think it’s a game? Give fire for these bitches one time. [fire explodes, Hart raises his hand with the fire.] There’s about to be a bunch of fucking fire. This show’s gonna be hot. Literally. [Pause as crowd cheers] Um… Lot of shit to talk about, man. I wanna talk about the fact that I’m happy. I’m happy right now, people. Uh… [crowd cheers] I wanna explain why I’m happy. First of all, my divorce is final. That’s the first reason why. [crowd cheers again] Now, here’s what I wanna explain about my divorce. Everybody assumes that because you went through a divorce, you went through a fucked-up period of life. You hate each other. You’re enemies. It’s not true. At the end of the day, that’s the mother of my kids. I’m always gonna respect her as the mother of my kids. She’s happy, she’s moved on. I’m happy, I’ve moved on. I’m happier than she is, though. [crowd laughs] I am. No, I am. I’m doing a lot of happy shit right now, people. You have no idea. I took a fucking walk the other day. Do you know how happy you gotta be to take a goddamn walk? To just go outside and start fucking walking? I knew I was happy because I was talking to myself while I was walking. I was like, “You hungry?” [talking is a different voice] [mouth click] “I could eat.” [talking normal again] It was just me, though. Right? Nobody else was there. I stopped, I fed pigeons. That’s some happy shit! You gotta be happy to feed pigeons. Here’s a beautiful thing about me feeding pigeons. When I was done feeding the pigeons, I didn’t have to lie about it. See, when you’re married, you lie about shit like that. Because you don’t believe that your wife would ever believe that you were doing something as dumb as feeding some goddamn pigeons. There’s not a married man sitting in this audience right now that can go out and feed pigeons, and his wife calls, and she says, “Babe, where you at?” And you go, “I’m feeding pigeons.” And she believes that he was feeding some fucking pigeons. It’ll never happen. It’s an argument off the bat. “Where you at, babe?” “I’m out here feeding pigeons.” “You ain’t feeding no damn pigeons!” “What’re you talking about? I am feeding the pigeons.” “Then put the pigeon on the fucking phone.” “What?” “Let me talk to the goddamn pigeon.” [making pigeon sounds] “That ain’t no pigeon.” [Waving his hands like a woman talking] “Tell the bitch sitting next to you that’s making pigeon noises on the phone, when I see her, I’m gonna beat her ass. Oh, fake pigeon noise making ass’bitch… Oh, not knowing how to sound like a pigeon ass’ bitch… Matter of fact, tell that bitch that when I see her, I’m gonna grab a real pigeon and smack the shit out of her with it. She could see what a real pigeon sounds like. Oh, false pigeon vocal chord having ass’ bitch.” I’m fucking killing y’all, man. Get fire on these bitches one time. [Fire from backstage, Hart waves his hands again] [crowd cheers] I… I’m at a point now where I understand who I am as a man. I know my pros, I know my cons. Here’s, here’s what’s bad about me, people. I’m a liar. I love to lie. Uh… I don’t know why. I wish I could stop. I can’t. I think I’m sick. It’s a disease. Um… I don’t even tell good lies. I tell a bunch of dumb-ass lies on a regular basis. Let me tell you something. There’s nothing worse than telling a dumb-ass lie and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie. For example, I don’t like talking on my cell phone. I can’t stand talking on my phone. But I don’t know how to tell people that I don’t like to talk on my phone. I think that makes me, like, an asshole, so I’d much rather lie about it. Here’s how I got caught the other day. I’m in my car, I’m driving. My boy calls me when I’m driving, I pick up, “Yo, what up?” “Kev, what’s going on?” Instantly, I lie. I said, “Dude, I can’t be on the phone like that. I’m out of the country. I’m not trying to have a high-ass phone bill.” [putting his hand up] This is no bullshit. This is what I heard, he said, [making a strange face] “N i g g a, ain’t that you at the stoplight right there in front of me?” I said, “What?” I’m so oblivious at lying, I waved. “What’s up, man? What’s going on with you, baby?” “Why you said you was out of the country?” “I didn’t say that. I never said that.” I don’t wanna be a liar. I don’t. I blame y’all. It’s your fault. ‘Cause y’all put me in positions where I have no choice but to lie. For example, I’m here. I’m in New York. I’m at the airport. I’m in baggage claim, right? This girl sees me, she goes off. She loses her fucking mind. Soon as she saw me, she was like, [in a very strange girl-like voice making extreme body movements] “oh, my God, no, Kevin! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! I can’t believe this! God must be playing a trick on me! God must be playing a trick on me! Oh, my God! I said I was gonna see you and then I see you, and now I’m looking at you. Oh, my God, I can’t believe it. Oh, my God! Can you do me a favor? Can you wait here for, like, 30 minutes? My mom is about to land. She would love to get a picture with you.” [Back to his normal voice] I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I’ll wait. Go ahead, go get her.” As soon as she left, I took off. [crowd laughs] Bitch, I’m not standing here for no No! Kill yourself. Die! Today! Death to you, bitch, die! I’m not fucking waiting for you. But I can’t say that. If I say that, that makes me, like, an asshole. There are certain lies that I can’t tell. For example, I can’t tell big lies. Reason why I can’t tell big lies is because I’m one of those people that start to believe the lie. Like, once I get that ball rolling, I can’t stop. You know who I respect? I respect people that work a nine-to-five job that could show up late for work without an excuse. They show up, take full responsibility. “Hey, I’m sorry I’m late. It’ll never happen again. I overslept, I apologize. It’s irresponsible on my behalf. If I do it again, fire me.” I respect people that can do that. ‘Cause I can’t do that, ’cause I’m a fucking liar. I am. If I’m late, something happened. I don’t give a shit. Something drastic happened. “Yo, dude, sorry I’m late. I was on the highway and a fucking baby was running on the highway. Yeah, I know, right? Shit’s crazy. So I get out of the car, I start chasing the baby. In my mind, I’m like, ‘Why’re you running, baby?’ That’s what I’m thinking, right? I’m like, ‘What do you do?’ ‘Cause I can’t just grab the baby and throw the baby in the car, that’s kidnapping. I fuck around and go to jail. I got a little butt, I’ll get raped. I know they’ll fucking rape me in jail. I ain’t trying to get raped. So I had to make a decision. I was like, ‘Shit, what do I do?’ So I decided to adopt the baby. What I did was, I downloaded this app on my iPhone, this Adopt the Baby app, right? I put the barcode on the baby head. Boop! That way the baby knew he was my baby. I put the baby in the car, I go to pull off, I turn around, a deer was running towards the car. So I’m like, ‘Oh, shit! This deer is about to eat the baby!’ That’s what I’m thinking, right? But then I looked closer, I noticed the front part of the deer was a deer, the back half was a zebra. It was half deer, half zebra. So I’m like, ‘Oh, shit! It’s a deerbra!’ Like, that’s what I’m thinking, ‘It’s a fucking deerbra.’ So I call the zoo, I’m like, ‘Yo, there’s a fucking deerbra out here on the highway!’ He was like, ‘What’s that?’ I was like, ‘Half deer, half zebra.’ He was like, ‘Did you just make that up?’ I was like, ‘I think so.’ Um… He said, ‘Well, bring it down.’ So I get down there, he sees it, he’s like, ‘Oh, shit, it’s half deer, half zebra!’ I said, ‘That’s what I was trying to tell you on the phone, it’s a deerbra. He was like, Okay, what do you want? Do you want money for it?’ I said, No, I don’t have that type of time. ‘I gotta get back to the car because my new son is in the car by hisself. So I get back to the car, turns out, the baby that I thought was a baby wasn’t a baby. It was a grown-ass man with Benjamin Button disease. Let me tell you how I figured this out. I figured this out, ‘ cause when I got to the car, the baby woke up. I was like, ‘Hey, I’m your new dad. I’ve just adopted you. He was like, ‘You ain’t my dad, bitch! I’m 65. I said, ‘Goddamn!’ He said, ‘I got a disease. I was like, ‘You got that Benjamin Button. He was like, ‘Where’s my deerbra? [confident face] I said, ‘I knew that was a fucking deerbra, I knew it was. I just took it to the zoo. He was like, ‘Well, how the fuck am I supposed to get home? [strange face] I said, ‘You ride that motherfucker, man? Anyway, long story short, that’s why I’m five minutes late for work, ’cause it took a long-ass time for me to get the fucking deerbra in the car.” Understand something, people. Lying will ruin your life. Lying will ruin your goddamn life. Lying ruined my marriage. True shit, sweetie. Lying ruined my goddamn marriage. That’s a lie, I cheated. [crowd laughs] Let’s talk about it, though, let’s figure it out. Don’t judge me. Let me explain. Um… Yes. Yes, people, I cheated. Am I ashamed of it? No. No, I am not. Do I wish that I could take it back? No. No, I don’t. Let me tell you why. You can’t evolve as a man if you never make a mistake. The only way that you could be perfect is to fuck up. I get it, I fucked up. “Don’t cheat.” Nah! Whatever. Now, do I.. Do I think cheating was the problem? No, I don’t. Cheating was not the problem. Lying about cheating was the problem. If I’d had been honest about it, might have worked it out. But I wasn’t. I lied. And I didn’t just lie on myself, I put my best friend in my lie. Now I don’t think that’s a bad thing to do. Let me explain why. If you’re my best friend, I shouldn’t have to ask you to lie for me. I shouldn’t have to ask your permission for me to put you in my lie. You know why? ‘Cause you’re my best fucking friend, bitch. That’s your job. The day that we signed up and said that we best friends, that means that [pointing back and forth] my bullshit is your bullshit. And your bullshit is my bullshit. If you’re my real best friend, you should know that I need you to lie for me by the look on my face. If I’m looking at you and I’m not blinking, if I’m like this… [staring wide eyed with his hands open] [crowd laughs] that’s a goddamn sign. That means, “The bitch got the drop on us. My back is against the wall. This is not a test. It’s the real deal, help me! Help me! [very exaggerated] N i g g a! Help me! My friend Harry ignored all signs, okay? Let me tell you how shit hit the fan. I come in the house, right? Come in the house, like, 4:00 in the morning. I’m drunk, people. Drunk as shit. I have no balance. I’m all over the place. I’m rocking back and forth. Soon as I walk in the house, she wakes up, she goes off. “You know what? I’m sick of this. I know you’s probably out with some bitch. You was probably messing with some bitch.” Now, I’m drunk, I don’t wanna respond, because I don’t have any balance. I’m rocking back and forth. You don’t look believable when you’re rocking back and forth. So I had to choose a stance in which I looked believable. So I chose this. [standing with his legs in a lunging position and his hands at head level] I said, “Let me tell you something, listen to me. “Wasn’t nobody with no bitch, okay? You’re wrong. Matter of fact, to prove you wrong, I’m gonna call Harry. Harry not expecting me to call right now, so Harry don’t have no reason to lie. And I’m gonna put it on speakerphone. [pointing] About to make you feel stupid. Watch this. Watch how fucking stupid you feel. Watch. Watch this. [dialing his phone] Harry. Harry, real quick, don’t lie.” Let’s stop right there. [Crowd laughs] Let’s just stop right there for a second. What does that mean? What does that mean, people? Lie. It means, lie. Right now. That means, “The bitch got the drop on us. My back is against the wall. This is not a test. It’s the real deal, help me! Help me! [very exaggerated] N i g g a! Help me!” Harry ignored all signs. I’m gonna tell you exactly what Harry said. I said, “Harry. Harry, real quick, don’t lie. Where’re we coming from right now?” He said, “Man, you was with that bitch with the fat ass.” [In his strange girl like voice] “What? Oh, no. “No, no, no, no. “Oh, no. No, no, no, no.” Yo. [high pitched voice] I was so fucking scared. I was so scared. I mean, this bitch gonna kill me. She’s gonna fucking kill me. [normal voice] See, but understand something. I’m not mad at Harry. The reason I’m not mad at Harry is because Harry has done some dumb shit, but I understand who he is. See, Harry might be the smartest dumbest friend that I’ve ever had in my life, okay? Let me tell you the dumbest thing that Harry has ever done. Harry invented the code for us to use to let each other know when we were around our women. Basically, if somebody used the code, it means, “Don’t say anything stupid. You might be on speakerphone. Don’t say nothing dumb. The phone might be loud enough so my girl can hear whatever it is you’re saying.” It means, “Don’t say anything that could jeopardize our relationship.” The code was, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” That’s the code, people. “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” Here’s what pissed me off about the code. [exaggerated] Harry invented the fucking code. So there’s no reason why Harry should have messed up the code. Here’s how Harry messes it up. I’m in the car with my lady. I’m driving, she’s in the passenger seat. Harry calls me when I’m in the car. I got the Bluetooth shit in the car, so my phone rings, the whole car rings. Harry’s name pops up on the dashboard. I answer, “What up, boy?” “Kev, what’s going on?” “Ain’t shit.” This is how I knew the conversation was about to take a turn for the worse. This is how I knew it was about to get filthy. He said, “N i g g a!” [blank stare and strange look along with noises] “Harry, hey, hey. Man, I’m hungry as shit!” He said, “I’m not. I just ate.” “What? What! Harry!” Harry! Harry!” I said, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” He says, “Yo, you should go to Subway and get the footlong for five dollars.” “What the fuck! Harry! Harry!” I said, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” He said, “Oh, that must mean you’re ready to eat these white bitches.” [In his strange girl like voice] “What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I ain’t eating no white bitch. I ain’t eating no white bitches. “I never did. Oh, my God, no. Oh, no.” [normal voice] Yo, have you ever been in trouble with your girl to the point where you’re afraid to look at her, [pointing to his head] but you can feel her staring at the side of your goddamn face? I was so scared, I never looked at her. I just looked straight and started making dumb-ass noises. [beatbox noises while driving] I started pointing out shit. “Oh, look, a deerbra! You see it? I just saw a deerbra.” I’m fucking killing y’all, man. Get fire on these bitches again. [Fire from backstage, Hart waves his hands again] [crowd cheers] Now, here’s the thing. I’m not upset with Harry for doing all the dumb shit that he’s done. Reason why is because I’ve learned so much from Harry. Like, literally, now I know what to do, what not to do. I know what I want, what I don’t want. And, fellas, I’m not selfish with this information. I feel like it’s my job to educate y’all. I can tell you what you want in your life, what you don’t. I can tell you the one thing that you do not want in your household. Fellas, the one thing that you don’t want in your household is a female that doesn’t trust you. Only thing that’s worse than a female that doesn’t trust you is a female that doesn’t trust you that has no proof for why she doesn’t trust you. That bitch is crazy. Let me tell you why. She’s crazy because she has so many thoughts in her head about what you might be doing, and it pisses her off that she can’t figure it out. That’s why she sits in the house all day, trying to put pieces to a puzzle together that doesn’t exist. [leaning down with a crazy look] “Oh, he done fucked up. Oh, this n i g g a fucked up. What the fuck is this right here? Oh, I got his ass now.” This is a woman that’ll look at you and say crazy shit like, [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to side] “Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy, n i g g a.” You ever see a girl say shit like that? She look crazy as shit while she say it. [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to side] “Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy.” Let me tell you something. Any bitch that do this shit right here… [leaning down with a crazy look, leaning on one side] is a goddamn psychopath, you hear me? Any bitch that argue with you to the side, [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to side] “Oh, you got a bitch fucked up, you hear me? You got me fucked up. You got me fucked up. You got me fucked up, n i g g a.” That’s a different level of woman. She’s fucking crazy. This woman is so crazy that when she thinks, when she thinks that she’s caught you cheating, before she talks to you, she’s gotta have a conversation with herself. She’s gotta talk to herself. [Walking to the side] Here’s my impression of a crazy woman talking to their self. [Walking around stage drastically] “Oh, yeah. Oh, we got his ass now. We got his ass now. “You ready, bitch?” “Bitch, I’m ready.” Ain’t nobody there, it’s just her. Now, she’s so crazy that she can’t even stick to the plan. The plan is to see you. When she sees you, she’s supposed to show you whatever she found. You’re supposed to talk about it, figure out the next steps in your relationship. But she’s crazy. There’s so much bottled up emotion and built-up tension inside. As soon as she sees your face, she snaps. She fucking loses it. Soon as you walk through the door, “Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Don’t say shit! You’re a piece of shit! [In his strange girl like voice] Oh, my God, [scream] no.” Hey, have you ever seen a woman go from frantic to calm? Like, real fast? [angry] “Motherfucker, you’re a piece of shit! [sad] “I can’t believe you’re hurting me! [angry] “But it’s gonna be the last time that you do some shit like this to me. [sad] “I don’t give a fuck about it! I don’t give a fuck! [angry] “Let me tell you something, n i g g a. You’re gonna get your shit together, [sad] “or you’re gonna get out!” She’s a fucking psychopath, man. Crazy women always wanna tell you what you did. They always wanna run down the story. [angry woman] “Let me tell you why you fucked up. Last night, you come in here, you’re a little drunk, you’re a little tipsy. You start to go to sleep on the couch. You take your pants off, you put your pants on the floor. Something told me, something told me, something was like, Girl, go through his pants. I was like, ‘All right.” [crazy face] That’s the crazy girl face. [crazy face] “All right. So, I get up, I go through your pants, I found a receipt. You had a receipt in your pants for some gas. But it wasn’t any old kind of gas, it was regular gas. That’s funny, I’m with you all the time. I’ve never seen you use regular gas.” Ladies, let me ask you a question. Why is it that whenever you’re arguing with your man and you repeat yourself, the second time you say it, you get loud as shit as if you solved the case? “That’s funny, I’ve never seen you use regular gas. I’ve never seen you use regular gas! You know who put the regular gas in the car? That regular bitch that you was with. That’s who put the regular gas in the car. Shut your ass up! Shut up! You’re caught. You’re a piece of shit! Look at you! You got glitter all on your face. Mismatched socks!” Now, ladies, let me explain something to you. 99% of the time you are right. 99% of the time you are right. That 1% when you’re wrong, that’s the day that men live for. We live for the day that we can make you look dumb as shit. That’s our goal as men. I’mma tell you three words that you never wanna hear come out of your man’s mouth. If your man ever hit you with these words, shut up. Don’t say shit, he’s about to make you look stupid. If you’re going off, you’re snapping, “Shut the fuck up. You’re a piece of shit. I hate you.” [angry noise] If he hit you with this right here, [pointing, using a deep smooth voice] “Are you done? Are you done?” He get cocky. “Are you done? Are you done? Okay. Okay.” I’m about to shit on this bitch right now. Are you done? You’re done, right? You’re done, right? Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay. [normal voice again] “I’m laughing, I’m laughing because you don’t even know what happened. See, last night, you was the one at the club that started to drink a whole bottle of Patron by yourself. You’re the one that passed out in the club. I’m the one that picked you up, carried you out of the club, put you in the car. We got in the car, we started driving home, I realized I lost my wallet. I said, ‘Damn, babe, we need gas. I don’t have my wallet. You got any money on you? You said, in a very drunk voice, I got three dollars. I said, ‘What the fuck are we supposed to do with three dollars? You said, ‘We gonna put some regular gas up in this motherfucker. I said, ‘Fine. We put the regular gas in the car, I drive home fast, ’cause I didn’t wanna run out of the regular gas. When we got home, you felt sick because of the way I was driving. You fucking went upstairs, you start throwing up. I got naked, I got into bed. I kept my socks on, though. First of all, you know I sleep with my socks on because I got ugly feet. I’m insecure about my feet. My fear is, if I don’t sleep with socks on, we’re gonna get robbed. And whoever has the gun is gonna look at my feet and they’re gonna be like, Oh, shit. Ew!’ Barn! Shoot me in the fucking foot. I’m gonna have another ugly-ass goddamn foot. So you start calling me. You’s like, ‘Kev, come help me. I’m throwing up. I come running to the bathroom, you got throw-up all over the floor. I stepped in it, ew, took my sock off, I put your sock on. That’s why my sock got a ball on the back of it. Picked you up, put you on my shoulder. The reason why I got glitter on my face, it’s because you use that cheap-ass glitter lotion on your ass. So when I held you like this, your ass was rubbing against the side of my goddamn face. Ran in the room, I threw you in the bed. I didn’t get into bed, ’cause you smelled like throw-up. I’m not getting in the bed with nobody that smells like throw-up. You know why I’m not getting in the bed with nobody who smells like throw-up? ‘Cause it’s gonna make me fucking throw up! So I went downstairs, I slept on the couch. With that being said, don’t say shit else to me. You’re wrong! I’m out!” This face that women make is priceless. [making an innocent face] “It’s not even like that. Listen, come here, it’s not even… I don’t even wanna debate… Listen, come here, let me suck your dick. I wanna suck your dick. Let me suck your dick while the football game is on, for the whole game. I’m gonna suck your dick for the whole game.” Men are so stupid, we’d be in the middle of storming out. “For the whole game? You would do it for the whole game? For half-time and everything? You’re gonna suck it for the whole game? Deal. You got a goddamn deal. “Well, you better get to sucking right now, ’cause it’s a long game.” Now, here’s my advice to you, fellas. If your woman is going through that insecure period where she’s questioning you, she’s going through your shit, my advice is, stop her. “Babe, stop, whatever you’re looking for, don’t look anymore. You’re right, I’m wrong. I need to do better.” The reason I say do that is because you don’t wanna see your woman go through that crazy point of no return. See, I’ve seen a woman get here. It’s unattractive. The reason why it’s unattractive is ’cause when a woman reaches a certain level of crazy, she doesn’t know that she’s being crazy. Everybody else knows. Everybody else sees it. “Hey, that bitch in the corner with the diaper on her face is fucking crazy, yo. She’s fucking crazy. She’s a psychopath.” Everybody else knows except her. Here’s the thing, I was in that situation. I saw a woman get crazy. Let me tell you how I knew this one chick went wild, okay? We’re in the house one day, arguing, all fucking day. Gets to the point where I’m like, “You know what, I can’t argue with you no more. My head hurts. I’m done. I’m getting in the shower. I’m getting dressed. I’m going to the store.” True story, people. Exactly what I do. Get in the shower, get dressed, get in my car, start driving to the store. On the way to the store, I hit a speed bump. When I hit the speed bump, I hear a lot of noise in the trunk. Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom! “That’s weird, I ain’t put shit in the trunk. What the fuck is all that noise in the goddamn trunk?” I’m small. I get scared fast. So I get out of the car, I pop the trunk, this is some true shit. I pop the trunk. When I pop the trunk, this bitch was stooped down in the trunk like this, looking at me. [stooped down with a crazy look] I see her in the goddamn trunk. I see her see me see her in the goddamn trunk. “I just caught you in the trunk of my car. You gotta say something to justify what the fuck I’m looking at. What the fuck are you doing in the goddamn trunk?” With a straight face, she looks at me, jumps out of the trunk, rolls her eyes and takes off, as if I never saw her. [acting like he’s running] Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude. I had an attitude because we live together. Like, “I’m gonna see you tonight. We have to address this at some point in time.” I said, “No, fuck that. We’re gonna talk about this right now.” I get in the car, I drive home. Here’s where it gets crazier. When I get home, she in the kitchen cooking, right? I walk in the house, she said, “Hey, babe, you hungry?” “Bitch, what the… [confused face] Oh! I don’t wanna talk about no goddamn food. I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk and you popped out of the goddamn trunk like a goddamn Jack-in-the-box. The fuck were you doing in the goddamn trunk?” With a straight face, she looked at me, she said, “I wasn’t in no goddamn trunk.” [confused face] “Bitch, I saw you see me see you in the goddamn trunk.” [leaning to the side with a crazy face] “You ain’t see me in no goddamn trunk. You must have saw one of them other bitches you’ve been fucking with, goddamn trunk, n i g g a!” It messed me up so bad, I started thinking. I was like… [confused face] “Did I have another bitch in the trunk? I might have… Oh, no, I might have put another bitch in the trunk and forgot she was in the trunk.” These are real-life situations. And after something like that happens, every man’s reaction is the same. We all say the same shit, we all do the same shit. “I ain’t getting with no crazy-ass woman. Ain’t no way in hell I’m getting with a crazy-ass woman. I’d rather be with myself.” That’s what you do, you live the single life. Single life is amazing at first. Reason why it’s amazing is because every night, you’re with your boys, you’re drinking, you’re meeting women, having a good time. Reality doesn’t hit you about how bad the single life is until you call your friends to go out, and on that night, none of your friends are available, ’cause they’re out with their women. That’s when reality hits you. “Yo, what up, boy? What you want to do tonight?” “Oh, man, I ain’t doing nothing. It’s cupcake Tuesdays. Me and my lady, we’re making cupcakes. Red velvet. I get to lick the bowl and everything.” “‘Lick the bowl’? Man, get the fuck off my phone.” “Hey, don’t be mad at me ’cause you ain’t got no bowl to lick.” “What?” Then you start to rethink your whole decision. “Damn. Did I have a good woman? Shit, man. I might have had a good woman. You know what, I need to get my lady back.” Thing is, you can’t go back the way you left. You gotta reinvent yourself. You gotta make it look like you’re making an effort to get your woman back. Here’s how dumb I am. This is what I do. I come back. “Babe, I got an idea. It’s gonna be great. It’s gonna put the spark back in our relationship. It’s gonna make us fall in love, okay? We’ve never done it. Let’s do it for the first time together. We should both take ecstasy one time. We should pop the pill. Hear me out. Hear me out. It’s an emotional drug, okay? It’s gonna make us talk. We’re gonna have sex. It’s gonna be the best.” She said, “Fine, let’s do it.” She takes the pill. Her pill gives her all the right reactions. I take the pill. My pill… Okay. My… My pill made me believe that I was a drug dealer. This is some real shit. I wish I was making this shit up. I can’t make this up, people. I don’t know where it came from. I snapped. We were talking. She was like, “Babe, I just wanna be happy. I want the disrespect to stop.” “Let me tell you something, you’re worried about fucking disrespect? That’s what you’re worried about? Hmm? What you need to be worried about is how I’m gonna deliver this kilo of cocaine to fucking Pablo.” She was like, “What? What’re you talking about?” “Girl, what the hell do you think I’m talking about? Where you think all this money come from? Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh? [leaned over slightly with a funny look on his face] You think I’m out here making funny money? Is that it? Huh? [dancing like a gangsta] Bitch, I’m in the game. I’m out here in the fucking streets. Okay? I gotta cook it, cut it, bake it, boop! Fly that shit.” She was like, “Oh, my God, what about the kids?” “Fuck them kids, bitch. I’m out here riding around and getting it, bird gang. You don’t even know my life, bitch.” Listen, let me tell you how messed up I was. I was ass naked, walking around the house like this. [holding his hand with his pointer finger out like it’s a gun] In my mind, this was a gun. I really believed that my hand was a gun. I was making threats. I said, “Let me tell you something. If anybody on the block try to touch my product, chitty, chitty, bang, bang, n i g g a s gonna die.” She was like, “Calm down, calm down.” This was how I knew she was fucked up. This was how I knew she was fucked up. [turning around] ‘Cause I turn around like this, right? [acting dramatic] She was like, “Don’t shoot me.” “Ain’t nobody gonna shoot you. I got the safety on. You need to fucking chill out.” Y’all are laughing? I’m being serious. I was messed up. I tried to fuck a beanbag that night. I was ass naked on the beanbag for two hours, doing this shit by myself. [moving provocatively] I was sweating, but I didn’t know it was me. I thought it was the beanbag. I was like, “Oh, this beanbag’s wet as shit. This beanbag’s about to get this long dick. That’s what you’re gonna get, beanbag. You’re gonna learn today, beanbag. You hear me? You will learn today.” That’s an old chapter of my life, people. Right now, I’m in a new chapter. In this chapter, reality has hit. Reality is, I’m single. Fucking dating. I can do what I want now. Now, here’s the scary thing about dating for me. I believe in karma. Whatever you do in life is gonna come full circle at some point in time. I know it is, okay? My fear is, I’m gonna fuck around and fall in love, and I’m gonna get hurt. When I think about getting hurt, I think about the ultimate level of getting hurt. Like, I’m gonna try to surprise my lady on her lunch break. She would be in the car giving some dude head, I’m fucking around to see it. Now, I know I’m not strong enough to deal with that. I’m too emotional. I break down. [In his strange girl like voice] Hmm. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. “Pick your head up. Don’t finish. Don’t finish it. “Jesus, take the wheel, please.” I know I can’t deal with it. Some men are. Some men can. Some men are strong enough to catch their woman in a sexual act, like giving another man head, to the point where they can go up to the [opening the car door] car, open the car door and say one sentence. In that sentence, they’ll let a woman know how much he loved her, how bad she hurt him and where he is mentally, and he can walk off. Some men can pull it off. “You know what, I loved you the best that I could. What I could do, I did. What I didn’t do, I tried. Fuck it.” He’ll walk Off. She’ll feel bad. “Why am I doing this? [popping noise out of his mouth] [crowd laughs] I don’t wanna do it no more.” Did you get it? That was the dick. Did you guys get it? This was the dick. Did you get it, you got it? All right. Some men are different. Some men are killers. Some men are thugs all the time. “No, fuck that! Fuck that! If I see my girl in the car giving some dude head, I’m gonna go up to the car, I’m gonna grab him, drag him out of the car, I’m gonna beat the shit out of the dude.” That’s how some men feel. [speaking to someone in the audience] “Would you do that, man? Chainz, would you fuck him up? You’d whoop his ass? You’re gonna fight the guy with his dick out? His dick is out. This guy’s got the hard dick. That’s the wrong answer, Chainz. I don’t like that answer. I don’t think you thought about it. Should’ve thought it through.” His fucking dick is out. I can’t fight a dude with a hard dick. It’s not gonna happen. The reason why is ’cause I’m small. When I fight, I gotta get low. [crouching down] I gotta get your legs. If your dick is out, at some point in time, that’s gonna cause a problem for me. At some point in time. “Yo, you got my girl out here in a fucking car? Hmm? Huh? N i g g a?” [diving forward act, then having a strange look then a crying face and a scream] Yo, you’re gonna lose your fucking mind if a man’s dick hit your head in front of a group of people watching the fight. You’re gonna do some shit you never thought you would do. You’re gonna fuck around and grab it. [grabbing his mic tightly and screaming and wrestling with it] You’re gonna say some shit you never thought you would say, “I’m gonna rip it off! This dick is coming with me! This is my dick! I got two dicks now!” Yo, if you grab a dude’s dick in a fight, you gotta kill yourself that night. You have to die that night. You can’t go on living. ‘Cause for the rest of your life, you’re gonna be known as the dude who grabbed the dude’s dick that day in a fight. “There goes the dude who grabbed that dude’s dick that day in a fight.” “What was I supposed to do? The dick was on my head.” “Hey, man, get your dick-grabbing ass out of here, man. Nobody trying to talk to you, dick grabber.” Look, I had a thought the other day that scared me. I thought about the fact that my kids are eventually gonna have a stepdad. That’s kind of scary to me. I’m gonna tell you why. I start thinking to myself like, “What if I can’t physically beat the stepdad?” ‘Cause I know I’m not gonna like the guy. Small problems are gonna become big problems. So in my mind, shit will happen. Like, one day I call the house and in the background, I hear, “I said, ‘Put the dishes in the sink.”‘ But in my mind, what I heard was, “You and your dad can suck my dick in the sink.” [looking around] I gotta fight. I gotta fucking fight now. Because I’ve thought about it. I wanna be prepared for this day, if it ever happens. So right now, I’m currently taking self-defense class. All right, this is no bullshit. This is not a joke. It’s the wrong time to mess with me. I know a lot of shit. My teacher just taught me how to take a gun out of somebody’s hand. [holding his hand in gun fashion] Like, if somebody points a gun at me like this, [he performs the action with his hand] I’m trained to grab your wrist, bend it, take the gun, point it right back at you. No bullshit. I do it all the time in class. I’m the best. [cocky look] It’s at a point where I had a conversation with my friends, I said, “Look, dude, if we out and somebody pulls a gun out, let me handle it, okay? “I’m the only one here that’s trained for this type of combat.” He was like, “You sure?” I said, “Trust me, I’m sure.” Here’s how funny life is. We’re walking out of the club, right? [leaned down slightly] I’m a little tipsy. I get to the car, this guy comes from behind the car. He’d ducked down, he had a gun. [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] He was like, “Everybody get naked. Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.” All my friends got scared and started getting naked. I was calm. I’m standing there, I’m looking at him. I’m even laughing a little bit, ’cause in my mind, I’m like, [wide eyed] “You don’t even know… what I’m trained to do.” Right? That’s what I’m thinking, right? So he got mad, he says, “You think it’s a game, little n i g g a? [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.” And it scared me, because my teacher only taught me to take guns from people holding it like this. [holding his hand like a gun normally] He had it like this. [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] [crowd laughs] I’ve never seen that. We never worked on that in class. So I didn’t know what to do. So I got naked. I did exactly what he said. I got naked. My friends were like, “Do something.” I was like, “I can’t. He’s a killer. He’s the real deal. This guy’s the real deal.” I got security after that. Actually, that’s a lie. That’s a lie. I didn’t get security after that. I tried to hire my friend, Wayne, as my security guard. Reason why is because Wayne was big as shit. So I was like, “Why would I fucking pay somebody else “when I can give you that extra money? You ain’t got to fight nobody, just look like you would if something were to happen.” He’s like, “All right, I’ll do it.” I said, “Done. You’re hired. You’re my security guard.” Um… Here’s why Wayne got fired. Let me tell you why. We were at a club, right? This guy pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air. [using his hand as a gun, he points it up] Bop! “Fuck all these bitches!” I got scared. Wayne, what should we do?” With a straight face, Wayne said, “Play dead.” [with a confused look] I said, “What? What’d you say?” He wouldn’t answer me back ’cause he was in character. He said… [puts his head down and closes his eyes] [crowd laughs] “Wayne! [with little jumps] Wayne! Wayne!” He gonna go, [looking down] “You better shut up before you get shot.” What the fuck? After that, I hired this guy named Steve. Now, Steve was the real deal, people. Let me tell you why. Steve made me feel like a star. We went places, Steve moved the crowd. “Everybody move! Move! Watch out, Mr. Hart’s coming through.” I never had to look behind me. Steve always had my back. Steve got fired, because we was at a club one day, I’m at VIP section, right? VIP is separated from the dance floor by a velvet rope. I’m standing behind a velvet rope. I say, “Steve, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” [moving the rope] The guy operating the velvet rope moves it. Me and Steve walk to the bathroom. I use it, I get done, we come back. The guy operating the velvet rope was talking. That’s fine, I’m patient. I’ll wait till he’s done. Steve felt like I shouldn’t have to wait. [picking up the microphone stand] Steve decided to pick me up and place me over the goddamn rope. Let me tell you something, people. I’ve never felt more like a bitch in my life. I was like, “Steve, no, don’t do this, please.” My back leg came up. “Look at me. Look what you’re making me do. Stop, Steve. You’re fucking fired, man.” After that, I hired these two ex-cops turned security guards. Now, these guys were very professional. My problem with them was that they were too professional. Like, their level of security was way too advanced for my level of celebrity. Like, I don’t… I don’t know who they thought I thought I was. I don’t know where the miscommunication came, but it was too much. Like, we go to Applebee’s. True story. Fucking Applebee’s, okay? There’s a empty booth. I go slide in the booth. [sliding in, with a squeaky noise] [crowd laughs] That’s how I slide in the booth. I love Applebee’s. [sliding in, saying “Applebee’s”] Applebee’s, Applebee’s, Applebee’s. So I’m in the booth, right? I’m sitting next to the window. He goes, “Kevin, switch seats with me. “I don’t want you sitting next to the window.” I said, “Why not?” He said, “There might be a sniper outside.” [blank, confused look] “Looking for who? “Ain’t no sniper looking for me at no fucking Applebee’s. No. I’m not at the sniper level in my career. I’m not there yet. Like, you probably gotta worry about a dude putting his dick on the glass. [spreading his arms out, putting his tongue out, and moving his pelvis] That’s my level. I’m at the dick-on-the-glass level. [spreading his arms out, putting his tongue out, and moving his pelvis] That’s my level.” Like, the shit that I’m afraid of, people don’t think about. I’m gonna tell you what I’m terrified of. Y’all are gonna think I’m crazy, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. Scariest shit in the world to me are bum hands. A bum’s hands are the scariest shit ever. You could say I’m crazy all you want. I’m willing to bet you all any amount of money right now, if y’all walk outside after this show, and a bum comes up to you and flicks your lip, [flicks his lip] [crowd laughs] bet money you’d kill yourself tonight. Bet whatever you wanna bet that you’d fucking kill yourself tonight. If you walk outside after this show and a bum comes up to you, “Give me a dollar, man.” “What?” “Man, you better give me a fucking… [flicks his lip multiple times] [crowd laughs] “Give me a fucking dollar, man.” [screams, moves and looks crazy] “What happened, man? He shoot you?” “Motherfucker flicked my lip, man.” Oh, my God! That’s the scariest shit ever. Like, you gotta get rid of that lip. You can’t keep that lip. That lip’s gotta go. You gotta buy a new lip. I don’t even know where to get lips. What would you do if you got jumped by three homeless people, and they held you down? [moving around like his is held down] “Get off of me. What is this about?” And then the leader come out, and you see him like this. And he… [holding his hand out and then starts flicking his lip] Oh, my God. You know how dirty his hands are? Oh, my fucking God. That’ll be the quickest bump that you’ve ever gotten in your fucking life. Pow! Bump! That fucking fast. You gotta explain it. “Hey, man, is that a fucking herpy?” “Mmm-mmm. It’s a bum bump.” “What?” “What the fuck is a bum bump, man?” [Hart begins laughing] [crowd laughs] A bum… A bum… Hold on, hold on. I gotta get it out. I gotta get it out. Hold on. Hold on. “What the fuck is that, man?” it’s a bum bump.” “How the fuck you let a bum touch your lip?” “I thought he was trying to tell me a secret.” “What? What the fuck was a bum trying to tell you?” “He tricked me. He was like, ‘Hey, man.’ [points with his finger then leans his head forward] “I said, ‘Huh?’ [flicks lip] He got me. That’s…” [Hart laughs] Get fire on these bitches one time, man. [fire from backstage] [Hart laughs again, so does the crowd] A fucking bum bump. Watch… Watch how y’all look at bums when y’all leave the show. Watch… Watch how defensive y’all are. “Excuse me, man, can you spare some change?” “N i g g a, what the… “Hey, man, you better get your ass out of here, n i g g a. You out here trying to flick lips, cuz? You out here trying to give a n i g g a a bum bump, n i g g a? I know what you’re… [Hart laughs again, so does the crowd] You ain’t gonna give me no bum bump, n i g g a. You better get the fuck out of here, man. Knock your ass out, man. I don’t want no bum bump. No, he got my n i g g a like that. He told him a secret. My n i g g a leaned in. Mmm. Fucked his whole shit up. This n i g g a’s shit was all bum bumpy for, like, two weeks.” [crowd continues to laugh] I really believe shit like that can happen. I’m a weird thinker, people, I’m a weird thinker. I’m glad that I’m a weird thinker, though. Me being a weird thinker has made me a better man. It’s made me a better father. Let me explain how it’s made me a better father, okay? Me thinking about my kids eventually having a stepdad is what made me a better father. ‘Cause now, not only is it important for me to make sure that I’m around, but I need them to understand who I am and what I represent to their lives. Now, ’cause I see them so much, I notice everything. Like, my son is at this imagination stage. Like, I thought the shit was a phase. It’s not. It’s not going away. Like, my son really thinks that he’s Spider-Man. On some real shit. And when he gets mad, he webs me. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise] Now, because I’m Dad, I just go along with it. [has his hands up and moves around a little] Ahhh! I act like I’m caught. This is the shit that makes me laugh. This is how he releases me from the web. [moving his hand in circles] And he walks off. The shit’s hilarious. Now, it’s me and my son, we’re bonding. See, but as a parent, you don’t realize the effect that you have on your kids. Whatever you do in the house, your kids are gonna mimic when they’re outside the house. I learned this lesson the hard way. I go pick my son up from camp, right? My son is outside arguing with this little boy over a truck. I’m watching. I’m not gonna break it up. I want my son to be a boy, let me see how he handles himself. Little boy takes the truck from my son. [pulls away with a noise] My son gets mad, takes the truck back. [pulls back away] “Mine!” Little boy comes back, punches my son in the back of the head. [smacks the mic with his hand] My son falls. This boy starts whooping my son’s ass. Listen, I don’t know who was training this little boy, but they were doing an amazing job. This boy could fucking fight, okay? I’m not gonna break it up. I’m gonna let my son take his ass-whooping. He will learn from it. I’m watching. I see this with my own two eyes. My son gets mad, rolls over. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise] [Hart gives a confused look] [crowd laughs] “What the fuck are you doing, man? It’s not real. What are you doing?” The parents are looking at me. “Why would you teach him that? Why would you even teach him that?” [grabbing and pulling up] I run over, I grab the little boy off of my son. This is the longest walk back to the car that I’ve ever had with my son in my life. He just kept looking at his hands. He was like… [walking and looking at his hand] “I don’t know what happened, Dad. I don’t know what happened.” So I get mad. I’m like, “Dude, if somebody’s fucking hitting you, you ball your fists up, you hit him back. You don’t let nobody hit you. You ball your fists up, you hit him back.” Now, he doesn’t like it when I come down on him. So he got mad. He webbed me. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise] Now, when he webbed me, I had a choice to make. Do I act like the game that my son believes in isn’t real and no longer exists and fuck his imagination up? Or do I allow his imagination to continue to run wild? He’s five. I said, “I’m gonna let his imagination run wild,” act like I was caught. Ah! [has his hands up and moves around a little] Ahhh! This… This is what I heard. This is what my son said. [looking at his hand then looks up] “I had it turned off, Dad.” [looks disappointed then walks away] Said, “What the fuck is going on here?” Look, my kids are hilarious, man. I got stories for days about my kids. I took my kids horseback riding, right? This might have been, like, the best worst day that I’ve ever had with my kids in my life. I wanted to find a place that was suitable for kids and adults so we could make a day out of it. I find this ranch, right? Me, my kids, my brother, my friends, we all go. We get there, they got ponies. My kids get on the ponies. There’s a smaller trail at the ranch. They ride the ponies around the smaller trail. Me, my brother and my friends, we go on the big horses. We’re gonna do the big trail, okay? Here’s what happened. Everybody gets on their horses. They’ve got their feet in the stirrups. They’re ready to go. I’m last to get on my horse ’cause I was filling out the paperwork, I’m paying for this shit. I get on my horse. Here’s strike one for me. [sitting on the stool with his legs out] I go to put my feet in the stirrups, right? Okay. Okay, this was the problem. [moving his feet around] Like, if I put this foot in, this foot wasn’t going to make it. I couldn’t get them both in, all right? So I tell the guy. I say, “Hey, man, I think I need smaller stirrups.” He was like, “Don’t worry about it. You don’t need them.” I was like, “Mmm. Yes, I do. ‘Cause everybody else has them. I wanna look like everybody else.” He was like, “Trust me, you’ll be all right.” I was like, “I don’t trust you. I wanna look like everybody else.” He said, “Look, do you wanna talk to the instructor?” I said, “Yes, I’ll talk to the instructor.” Keep in mind, the instructor is why I chose this ranch. This guy is supposed to be a horse guru. [counting on his fingers as he says…] He was gonna teach us how to physically control the horse. He was gonna teach us the verbal commands, and he personally was gonna take us on the trail. Problem with this guy is he cannot speak English, people, okay? I can’t make this shit up. This is the speech that he gave before we started the trail. Word for word. He goes, [with a creepy smile on his face and a strange raspy voice, laughing between most words] “Okay. Ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Okay. Okayyy! Okay. Okay. [gibberish] [moving his arms and legs in for emphasis] Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm! Like that, kick twice. Mmm! Like that. All right, let’s ride.” “What the fuck did he say? Did you hear what he said? “Hey, man, you gotta say it again for me. I didn’t understand what you said.” This is how I knew it was bullshit. He said the same thing in the exact same way. He said, “Okay. Ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Okay. Okayyy! Okay. Okay. [gibberish] [moving his arms and legs in for emphasis] Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm! Like that, kick twice. Mmm! Like that. All right, let’s ride.” I said, “We’re gonna fucking die. We’re about to die.” My friend said, “Kev, stop bitching. Let’s just go.” Keep in mind, I have no stability. My feet are just dangling [swaying his legs] from the side of the horse. I have nothing to hold on to, except this little stump thing in the middle of the fucking saddle. I said, “Fine, I ain’t gonna say shit else. Let’s go.” My horse starts to trot. He’s not running, people. He’s trotting. I have no balance, so [swaying his legs again] I’m all over the place. I’m like this, right? My feet kicked the horse in the stomach. That’s a sign for your horse to speed up. My horse takes off. [wide eyed] Listen to me, people. This n i g g a took off! Now, I’m scared, ’cause I don’t know what to do with my feet. [holing his feet out strait] At one point in time, I panicked, had my feet on his neck. Like, I was like this, right? [bouncing up and down with his legs still extended and a scared look on his face] I was like this. But I couldn’t hear shit, ’cause the wind was blowing. It was like… [moving his hand past his head and blowing into the mic] I hear my friends in the back. They’re like… “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!” I don’t know what they’re saying. I assume that they’re saying, “Let go.” That’s what I think they’re saying, “Let go.” [spreading out his hands] So I said, “Fuck it! Jesus, take the wheel.” Right? I roll off like a black-ass tumbleweed. Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap. My… [Hart laughs] The horse keeps going. My friends and my brother, the instructor, everybody pulls up next to me. It’s at a point where I’m pissed. I’m like, “Yo, I’m not doing this shit no more. I’m out. Fuck this trail. I’m done. I’m going back, I’m getting my kids, I’m walking back to the hotel.” My boy, Spank, was like, “Kev, you can’t fucking walk back. We’ve been riding for 25 minutes. It’s gonna take you, like, an hour to walk back.” I said, “Fine.” I looked at the instructor, I said, “Well, you’re gonna take me. You’re gonna take me back right now.” [reaching down and pulling up] He puts his arm down like this, grabs me, pulls me, picks me up, puts me on the back of his horse. This is why I will never ride a horse again in my life, people. For 25 minutes, for 25 goddamn minutes, I’m on the back of this n i g g a’s horse. [moving his body like he is riding uncomfortably and awkward] [crowd laughs] I turn around, my friends think it’s funny. They’re taking pictures, right? [clicking his fingers like he is taking a picture] I said, “Put the camera up! [waving his hand up and down] Put the goddamn camera up!” The instructor kicked the horse in the stomach, the horse starts running. He reaches around, grabs my lower back. [Grabbing behind himself] He starts pulling me in, right? [making a thrusting movement] Now, I’m scared, so I can’t let go, [hugging himself] so I’ve got my arms around his stomach. I’m fucking the shit out of this n i g g a in his back. He speed up, I speed up. I gave him, like, 75 pops. The shit that pissed me off, while I’m in mid-pump, he’s gonna turn around and go, [turning to the side] “Let’s ride.” I said, “Man, get the fuck off of me.” [stands up and raises his hand] [crowd cheers] New York, it’s been real. My name is Kev Hart. I fucking love y’all, man. I appreciate you. Thank you. Get fire on these bitches one more time, man. [fire from backstage] Thank you, New York. [bows] [crowd continues to cheer] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Before I go, I’m gonna end on a fucking note from the heart right now. Uh… And I’m gonna try not to be a bitch and get emotional up here. Dude, I am now one of few to fucking perform as a standup comedian in Madison fucking Square Garden. [getting emotional] [crowd cheers] Hey.. Listen to me. Listen to me. You have no idea the fucking feeling that I have going through my body right now, man. This is a fucking dream come true. [crowd cheers] Hey, this is a fucking dream come true, man. Thank you for being loyal. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for fucking enjoying me. My name is Kev Hart, I love y’all. [raises his hand and walks off stage to the same hip hop song from walking on]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Hart: What Now (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-what-now-2016-full-transcript/

In the film’s spy sub-plot, set before the events of the performance, Kevin is an agent for MI6 [Agent 0054] and attends a poker game event with his date Money Berry [Halle Berry], only for it to go horribly wrong. In the performance portion, which takes up most of the film, was filmed live on August 30, 2015 in front of 53,000 people, at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Financial Field.   [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! [CHEERING INTENSIFIES] No. That’s not good enough for me. Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium out tonight. So I need to hear that! I need to hear that! So I’ma ask my city one more time… Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! [CHEERING LOUDLY] Yeah! Yeah! Yes! Goddamn it, we about to get loose. I can honestly say that the city of Philadelphia has my back. Is it safe to say that, Philly? It’s safe to say that. I think it’s only right that I show Philadelphia that love back. Can I see Philadelphia behind me? Can I do that, please? Can I see my city behind me? We about to have a good time tonight. We love you, Kevin! The name of this show is called What Now?, people. The reason why I decided to call it What Now?, is because that’s the question that I get the most. “Kevin, what the fuck are you gonna do now?” I love that question because I always have an answer for it. I’m alive. I’m still experiencing shit, which still means I have stuff to talk about. For example, people, I’m engaged. I’m about to get married again soon. Okay? [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yes. I told my lady, I said, before we get married, we gotta move. I did tell her that. It’s not that I don’t like where we live. I just don’t like the area. It’s not the house, it’s the area. See, I don’t wanna be in Hollywood, staring at all the Hollywood shit. So I moved out to the suburbs. Fucked around, moved around a bunch of wildlife. I don’t like the animals around my house. This is real shit right now. Right now, I have a raccoon problem, people. Not raccoons. A raccoon. One raccoon. This raccoon’s a bitch. I can’t stand this raccoon. I got glass doors in the back of my house, right? I’m sitting in the living room, I can see into my backyard through the glass doors. Outta nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors. But not like a raccoon should, not on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. Motherfucker walked up to the doors like this, swear to God. This is real shit. Scared the shit outta me. It looked like a N i g g a was walking in my backyard. That’s what it looked like. I saw him, I said, “Oh, shit! “Look at that goddamn raccoon right there!” He saw me, I see him, we’re looking at each other. This is what scared the shit outta me. To get a better look in my house, he put his hand on the glass, and started looking in the window. I see him, he see me. He starts fucking with the locks. [GRUNTING] When he couldn’t get in, he got mad. He fake shot at me twice. Bang, bang! Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. This is a true story. You gotta understand, people, I don’t like raccoons. I can’t stand raccoons because I don’t like the way they look. They look like criminals. They got a black mask, gloves. Everything about a raccoon says crime. My lady gets home, I said, “Babe, we gotta get the fuck out this house. “A raccoon came up to the glass doors, “put his hand on the glass, saw me, shot at me twice. “Bang, bang! “Then he grabs his dick, disappeared into the dark.” My lady goes, “What do you get out of lying so much? “Like what does that do for you?” I said, “Who the fuck is lying? “Who makes up a lie about a raccoon come up to the window, “going bang, bang, grabbing his dick, disappearing into the dark? “Like, whose life is that bad that they gotta sit at home all day, “and make some shit like that up?” She said, “Obviously you, because you’re lying, Kevin. “You know how I know you lying? “‘Cause a raccoon can’t go, ‘Bang, bang.’ “You know why? ‘Cause a raccoon don’t have no thumbs. “So how can a raccoon go, ‘Bang, bang’?” “Bitch, maybe he did this. Maybe he just did this right here. “What difference does it make? “The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “We got a dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose, “you worried about his fucking thumbs. “You need to get your priorities straight, that’s what needs to happen.” I got a lot of animals out there, people. Coyotes, mountain lions, rattlesnakes. It’s at the point now where I don’t like taking out trash. I’m being honest with you. The reason I don’t like taking out trash at my house is ’cause to take out the trash, I gotta walk outside, I gotta walk down my driveway. Trash cans are at the end of my driveway. My driveway is long as shit, people. Okay? It also gets real dark in my driveway. Reason why it gets so dark in my driveway at nighttime is because I turned down the option to get lights going down the side of my driveway. Reason why I turned down the option is because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of me because they knew that I had money. I don’t trust people that do this when they talk. Like that’s how you talk to me, like, “Hey, man, you gotta get some lights. It gets real dark out here. “You gotta get some lights.” I don’t need no fucking lights. It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the fuck I need lights for? I was wrong, people. I need lights. Can’t see shit in this goddamn driveway. You gotta understand, I don’t like being in the dark, hearing animal noises, especially when I can’t see the animal. It fucks with me. When you’re by yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit. When you hear this… [CHITTERING] [HISSING] You do stupid shit when you get scared. [SCREAMS] “You bite me, I’ll bite you back, bitch!” You start doing shit you saw in the movies. “What are you waiting for?” It got to the point where I start grabbing the trash, running down the driveway, throwing the trash in the trash can, running back to the house. One day I locked myself out of the house. Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people. “Open up the door!” [SCREAMS] [CRYING] What is this when you get scared? [CRYING] Whenever you’re afraid, the first person you see is fully responsible for whatever you were afraid of. “Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time I was outside? “Some shit licked my neck, I’m out here calling you. “You in here cooking, that’s your problem.” It got to the point where I told my lady, I said, “Yo, I’m not taking out trash anymore. I’m not gonna do it.” She said, “Well, I’m not gonna do it.” I said, “You don’t have to.” “It’s not a woman’s job, it’s a man’s job. “I’ma make my son do it. “He’s seven years old. “It’s time for him to start pulling his weight around here. “He don’t do shit.” That’s the beautiful thing about being a dad. You can do what you want when you want, can’t nobody say shit about it. I woke my son up at 2:00 in the morning with a complete bullshit story. I kicked his bed. “Get your ass up! Get up! “Didn’t I tell you to get that goddamn trash out last night?” First of all, that was a lie. I never said that. Never said anything like that. He woke up, he was confused. “What? What? No. “You never said that. What?” “You calling me a liar? You telling me I’m lying? “Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out.” Private schools are fucking my kids up. My son, he said, “All right, all right. All right.” He goes, “Let me get my flops.” What? “Your flops? “Boy, if you don’t get your black/white ass down these goddamn steps, “get this fucking trash, I’ma knock your head loose in here.” My son goes downstairs, he grabs the trash. He’s about to walk outside, he sees it’s real dark. He goes, “Dad, it’s real dark outside. Can you come with me?” “No. No, I cannot. “No. “It’s not my journey, son. This is your journey. “It’s about you becoming a man. “You gotta do this by yourself.” My son grabs the trash, he’s literally walking outside. He goes down the driveway. I could tell when he got scared, ’cause he stopped. He started doing this shit right here. He started looking around. When he looked at me, I said, “See, that’s why I don’t like doing that shit. “Go, you’re all right. Finish. Finish.” He put the trash in the trash can, starts walking back. Outta nowhere, my son takes off running. I mean, running, haul assing towards the house. Running as fast as he can. I got scared because I couldn’t see what he was running from. I couldn’t see it. So I closed the door. I closed the door. No, I did. I know it was wrong, but I did it. I don’t wanna lie. I shut the door. I told myself, depending on what it was, was gonna determine if I open up the door or not when he got back. If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on the glass. I was gonna say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. “I hate that it had to be this way.” My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love get attacked by an animal that I can’t beat. That’s a fear. What do you do? What do you do? You look happy. Are you in love, man? What do you do if you see your lady running down the driveway as fast as she can? Outta nowhere, the Tasmanian Devil jump out, grab her face from the back? You wanna know the answer to that question? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what the fuck you do. That’s the Tasmanian Devil. You ain’t never seen no shit like that. If you look outside and all you hear is… [SNARLING] You’re not fucking going out there. [SNARLING] All you gonna do is react. [SCREAMING] Oh! Oh! Oh! “Get the fuck off of her! “She had enough!” My lady got mad at me when I said that. She got pissed off. She got pissed off. She said, “So if I got attacked by an animal, “you wouldn’t come out there and help me?” I said, “It depends on the animal. “If it’s a cat, I’ll come out there and kick the cat. “I’ll kick the shit out of a cat. “But if it’s a mountain lion, fuck no. I’m not going out there. “Ain’t no way in hell.” She says, “So you would just let me die?” “If that was God’s plan. I’m not gonna… “I’m not gonna fuck with God’s plan. “Who am I to rewrite what God wrote? “That’s what God wrote next to your name. “It said ‘death by mountain lion attack.’ “Who the fuck am I to rewrite that?” I’m being honest with you all. You know the real reason why I wouldn’t help my lady if she got attacked by a mountain lion? I don’t know if I wanna be with a woman that survived a mountain lion attack. I don’t… I don’t know if I’ma feel the same way about you when you come out of that attack. Like, what if he got you good? What if he bit your neck up? Or if he bit your shoulder off? You ain’t got no shoulder no more? That’s tough. That’s tough. I can’t be with no girl that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t. I’m sorry. You can call me an asshole all you want. I can’t be with a girl that can’t do this. Mmm! If you can’t do that… If you can’t shoulder shrug, bitch, I can’t be with you. You can’t shoulder shrug, bitch? Mmm! You know how many times you shoulder shrug in a day? You know how many times you shoulder shrug? Look, you did it a little bit just now. Little bit. Look at you. Little bit. Ladies, let me tell you something. You don’t know how important your shoulders are until you lose one of them. Life will change without both shoulders, I promise you that. I tell you what, you could kiss halter tops good-bye. That’s over. Every shirt you put on gonna look like a goddamn toga outfit. All that shit coming across the chest. I don’t wanna be with a toga bitch. I don’t want her. The girl that look like she won a pageant every day. [LAUGHING] You won every day? Oh! Here come Michelle. Here come Miss America. I don’t wanna be with her. I tell you what, if you got one shoulder and we get pulled over by the cops, we’re going to jail. We’re going to jail. ‘Cause everything you do is gonna come off as sarcasm. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” “No.” “Get the fuck out of the car. Right now! Get out the car! “You wanna be a smartass? You’re going to jail.” “I’m not! I’m not! This is how it is. I’m stuck with this. “Don’t do this, please.” Cop have a tough time grabbing you out the car. “Get your ass out the goddamn…” You can’t be cold with one shoulder. You can’t shiver with one shoulder. Ain’t nobody gonna believe you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “It’s freezing in here.” “No, bitch, you twitching. That’s drugs. I know drugs when I see it.” “Get your high ass out of my goddamn house. “You’re high!” If you only got one shoulder, the only game you’ll be good at is a game of tag. Can’t nobody tag you. You out there dipping everything. [GRUNTS] “Shit!” [GRUNTING] “I can’t tag this bitch, man! “She out here dipping everything.” “You gotta go for the shoulder side.” Ladies, I can feel you judging me. Stop judging me. I feel it. “Kevin, you wrong. You wrong. “That woman loved you. “She was with you from the beginning. She held you down.” Let me tell you something, ladies. You can’t hold nobody down without two shoulders. It’s a scientific fact. You need two shoulders. I’ll start it with you guys. I’ll ask you a question. Sweetie, do you think you’re the type of woman that could stay with your man regardless of any freak accident? Yeah? You know why I love asking women that question? Because your answers are never realistic. See, women answer questions with emotion. Emotion made you say yes. “Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!” That’s emotion. You don’t even know the fucking scenario. You don’t even know what happened. So I’ma give you a scenario. Let’s say you and your man taking a walk. Beautiful day outside. You look at your man, you say, “Babe, I love you more today than I did yesterday.” Out of nowhere, an orangutan hops the fence, attacks your man. The orangutan takes his kneecaps. He can never do this again in life. He is straight-legged for the rest of his life. You can deal with this right here? This ain’t gonna fuck with you every day? Every goddamn day, this ain’t gonna fuck with you? Looking at this? Butt-ass naked, going to the bathroom like this. This ain’t gonna fuck with you? You a goddamn liar. One of those days, you’re gonna fucking snap. “If you don’t go sit your straight-legged ass down… “Walking all straight all over the fucking house! “Sit your no-knee-bending ass down!” You’re gonna get mad ’cause you still wanna do knee-bending shit. “Hey, babe! Babe! We still going bowling on Tuesday?” All your friends hate when you bring him ’cause he takes too long to bowl. They get mad. “I can’t stand when she brings his ass! “He can never relax. He’s so uptight!” You get mad. “I can’t relax ’cause I ain’t got no knees! “I got attacked by an orangutan!” Your black girlfriend’ll be there. She’ll never believe shit. “An orangutan? Really?” That’s my “black girl don’t believe shit” face. “Orangutan? “Really?” Why is that? Why don’t black women believe shit? What happened? What happened? You can’t convince a black woman of shit. “Hey, babe. Babe, don’t walk over there. “It’s real slippery right there.” “Slippery? “Really?” She walk over there anyway, trips, falls, hits her head. “Oh, my God, it’s slippery over here. “They need to put a sign up.” “Bitch, I just told you, it was fucking slippery over there.” “Did you tell me? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] Could you still have sex with the guy that can’t bend his knees? If he was aggressive about it? That’s an honest question. Could you have sex with a guy that can’t bend his knees? “Hey! Hey! “Get over here and get some of this lock-knee dick.” “Don’t run! Don’t run! Don’t run!” [LAUGHS] It look like he be skiing on your ass, that’s what it look like. When he cums, it looks like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp. Oh! Look at all the black women. “Ski ramp? “Really?” [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Oh! Stop it. Cut it out. Stop trying to make me feel tall. This is how I think, people. I’m a drastic thinker. I’m not worse than my lady, though. My lady is the queen of hypothetical thoughts. You know what I feel like? I feel like all women suffer from this disease. Women love to ask men questions about shit that would never happen. You love it. “Babe, babe, what would you do if… “Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really, but if it did, “what could might be, huh?” You love it. True story right now. Me and my lady, we’re on a boat. Right? We’re on a boat. We hit a wave. She go, “Oh, my God, babe, what if we would’ve hit that wave, “and I would’ve fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean, “and then a shark would’ve started swimming around me? “What would you do?” “I’ma get the camera and start taping. “Some shit about to go down. I don’t know.” “Stop being an asshole and answer the question!” “What do you mean, answer the question? “It’s a shark.” Like, I don’t know who she wants me to be in her head. Like, what N i g g a is that tough that he sees a shark and goes, “I’m sick of this shark shit!” And jumps in the water to fight the shark? I’m not that guy. I don’t have that muscle. She said, “Well, what if the shark attacked me, “but I got away, and I swam back to the boat?” I said, “That would never happen. What kind of attack was this?” She said, “What do you mean?” “What do you mean, what do I mean?” “What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?” She said, “The shark bit off one leg, one arm.” “The shark bit off one leg and one arm, and you swam back to the boat? “That’s what you’re telling me? “Was it on the same side? “‘Cause on the same side, you’re just gonna go in a circle. “This is all you’re gonna do right here, is one big-ass circle. “You ain’t going no-fucking-where.” “Stop being an asshole, Kevin, and answer the question.” “I can’t answer the question if you don’t make the question make sense.” She said, “Fine. Alternate the sides. “He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this side.” I said, “So, what, you wanna know “what I would say when you got back to the boat?” She said, “Yeah. What would you say?” “Well, who else is on the boat?” She said, “It’s just us. It’s nobody else on the boat. Just us.” “Okay, let me get this straight. “You get attacked by the shark, “shark bites off one leg, one arm, “you swim back to the boat, “you climb up on the boat, “you’re standing in front of me on one leg, “it’s nobody else on the boat, nobody else. “If it’s nobody else on the boat, “I’ma push you back in. I’ma push you back in. “Shark gotta finish that. He gotta finish that. I’m not going home with that. “I didn’t leave with that. Why do I have to go home with that? “That’s not what I left with. “The shark gotta clean that plate. Clean that plate, Mr. Shark.” That’s what my mom tell me, “Finish your food. “You better finish that fucking food.” Y’all can think I’m an asshole all you want. This is how I think, man. I told you, I’m a drastic thinker. This is why I told my family we need to move. I’m not the father for the environment that we live in. I’m not. Good thing about my family is we table everything. Everything is up for discussion. I told my son, I said, “Look. I told you I wanna move. “Tell me why you wanna stay.” My son told me flat-out, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I don’t wanna leave my room.” I get it. I went all out for my son’s room. My son used to be into Spider-Man, now he’s into Batman. So I went out, I got his whole room painted as Gotham City. I put the bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile. Batman is on the actual ceiling. When my son first saw the room, he went off. [GROWLS] “Dad!” [GROWLS] [CHUCKLES] He was like, “I love it!” [GROWLS] I told you all, private schools are fucking my kids up. They are. My son has a lot of white friends. They got real long hair. So my son gets excited, he does this shit. Listen, listen to me. It makes me so mad. Do you understand me? This shit makes me so fucking mad. The reason why is because his hair looks just like mine. It’s just like mine. So I’m like, “What are you doing?” He was like, “I couldn’t see you.” “Bitch, you see me. Don’t… “Don’t do that. “You see me. I’m right here. “Don’t act like you can’t see me.” He was like, “I just wanna play.” “Fine, go. Go play.” My son goes in his room, he plays all day. All day. It’s time for bed. I say, “Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your face, get into bed. “I’ma kiss you good night.” My son gets into bed, I kiss my son good night, I cut out the lights, I walk out. When I walk out, I hear a bunch of screaming. “No! “Don’t do it, Batman, please!” What the fuck? I go running back in the room. I run back in the room, this woman made Batman glow in the dark. So Batman… Batman… [CHUCKLES] Batman looked like he was about to rape my son. He was just staring at my son. Hey, I’m not gonna lie, I got scared. I said, “Get the fuck out of the bed! “Get out the bed before he swoop down on your ass “and I can’t do nothing about it!” I can’t beat Batman. My daughter said, “Dad, I don’t wanna move because I love the space.” My daughter’s favorite game to play at the house, she loves to hide from people, wait for you to walk by, jump out and scare you. [SCREAMS] This girl’s patience is unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like, I’ve seen my daughter go hide, but then I forgot that she went to go hide. So, like, five, six hours go by. I finally walk by, she jumps out, but she’s too weak to scare me. [SCREAMS SOFTLY] “What took you so long, Daddy? “I haven’t eaten anything all day. “I’m so hungry. “My lips are dry, they’re bleeding. “I need some water right now, I swear to God.” My kids are characters, but my kids are my best friends. Honestly, they’re my best friends. I love the fact that me and my kids talk. We communicate. Now, I’m not gonna lie. I’m not gonna act like it’s all perfect, because it’s not. We butt heads. I recently got mad at my kids because I feel like my kids don’t put a lot of thought into the gifts that they give me. This shit pisses me off. I’m serious, they’re making me mad. I go all out for my kids. So I feel like when it’s time to do something for me, put the same time, energy and effort into it that I do when I do shit for you. This is what made me mad. For my birthday, my son gave me a handprint. This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a piece of paper, said, “Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix.” Came home excited. “Dad, I got you something for your birthday. “You’re gonna love it. Close your eyes.” I close my eyes. I’m emotional, I start crying. “Boy, don’t do this to me. “Don’t do this. “Not today. “Don’t do it today. What is it?” He said, “Open your eyes. “Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love you.” I looked at it, I said, “I’m gonna be honest with you, son. “I don’t really feel like you do. “I don’t think this is a good representation of your level of love for me. “This is a shitty gift. “It’s a fucked-up gift.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her book bag. I saw her. I said, “What the fuck is that?” She looked me in the eye. “Mmm, trying to figure it out. I don’t know yet. “I don’t know what I want it to be.” Now, I’m not gonna lie to y’all and say I didn’t hold a grudge, because I did. I held a grudge. I held a grudge all the way up until my son’s birthday. My son’s birthday came, he woke up, he was hyped. “Dad! You know what today is?” “I sure do, son, it’s your birthday. “We gonna turn up like we always do.” My son goes to school, gets home. When he gets home, I got a bunch of presents wrapped up in boxes laid all out on the bed. He opens ’em up. I had 57 handprints in all the boxes. He saw it, he starts crying. He was like, “What is this?” I said, “Those are high fives. “I got you high fives.” He said, “But I didn’t ask for these.” I said, “Neither did I.” You selfish son of a bitch. You better be lucky I didn’t take a picture of my ass and put it in that box, tell you to kiss my fucking ass, that’s what I should’ve did. “I should’ve let Batman rape you.” I said that. Swear to God, I said that. I know it’s wrong, but I said it. When I really wanna piss my kids off, I let my dad spend time with them. That’s how I really get to them. Here’s the thing. My kids love their grandpop, they really do. They just don’t like to be with him for too long ’cause my dad is too loud. It’s like the older you get, the louder you get. This isn’t even a joke. This is how my dad walks in my house. This is his entrance. “Where the babies at? “Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!” That’s his entrance. It’s at the point now where I can’t even let my dad watch my kids by himself. I gotta watch my dad while he watches my kids. ‘Cause he does too many stupid things. I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket. Candy with no wrapper. It was loose. It was just in his pocket. He said, “Huh, huh, y’all want one of these?” “What the fuck is that? What are they?” He said, “Peppermints.” “Ain’t no goddamn peppermint. “Where the lines at on that peppermint?” He said, “My jeans must have rubbed it off.” “N i g g a! “You’re not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint!” “Fine, more for me.” Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take that peppermint out of his mouth, put it back in his pocket. Those were half-sucked on peppermints! He’s not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck-and-saves. That’s a suck-and-save! That’s an old people trick. Old people love to suck on candy and save it. “I’ma save this till after church.” “Nana, eat that fucking candy! “Little piece of candy left, Grandma. “Eat that fucking candy!” [AUDIENCE CHEERING] My dad is a character. The shit that I’m telling you, you can’t make up. I bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday. I’ve never seen my dad use the phone. Never. He comes downstairs one day, he goes, “Hey! “I wanna take the kids to go get some pizza.” I said, “First of all, you’re not going anywhere “with my kids by yourself. “We can go as a group.” I said, “Where you wanna go?” This is true shit. You cannot make this up. My dad takes his phone out of his back pocket, this is what I hear, “Cyrus, where is the closest pizza spot?” “What did you just say?” [SHUSHING] “Cyrus, where you at? “Talk to me. “Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” He starts shaking the phone. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up.” My dad thinks there’s a N i g g a living in the phone! “It’s ‘Siri’, you dumb bitch! “‘Siri’! “Not goddamn Cyrus.” He’s a character. I love him, though. Hates the fact that I don’t whup my kids. Hates it. My dad is old school, old generation. Old generation believes in whupping the kid’s ass. That’s all they believe in. It’s not that I don’t. It’s not that I don’t. I don’t want y’all to think that I don’t. I just don’t feel like I need to whup my kid’s ass. My voice is enough. “Shut the fuck up!” That’s enough. Private school kids, they get scared fast. [SCREAMING] “Dad’s going crazy again! “Let’s go to our secret spot!” Private school kids. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. It does piss me off that my kids don’t have any edge. I want my kids to have edge. But they’re not. I’m not a thug, I’m not a killer, people. But I got some edge to me. You need edge to survive in life. My kids aren’t gonna have that edge. The reason why is because they’re growing up different than I grew up. My son definitely doesn’t have it. I gave up. I don’t even give a shit. It is what it is. Swear to God, it is what it is. I’ma tell you the day that I gave up. The day that I gave up, I got some of my friends over to my house that I grew up with. We’re in the kitchen, we’re having a thug-like conversation about our pasts. “Yo, Kev. “You remember when Ronald got shot “in the back of the head?” “God damn, I do. “I really do. “Died on the spot.” “What about Terry? “You remember Terry got shot in the back?” “Fuck! I remember that.” I hear my son coming down the steps. I hear his flip-flops popping. [CLICKING TONGUE] They’re popping fast. [CONTINUES CLICKING] So that means he’s walking with a purpose. Something’s wrong. He gets downstairs, he got an attitude. “Dad! “Wi-Fi’s down!” What the fuck? What? “Well, you want me to reboot it? “‘Cause nobody else seems to care.” “Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go.” “I’m thirsty, could I have a Capri Sun?” “Son, get the fuck out of my face. “Just go. Go! “Them tight-ass pajamas. “Take your ass upstairs. Go. “And put on some loose pajamas!” Now, I don’t know what made me more upset. That, or my friend going, “Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?” I said, “What did you just say?” “I’m saying, he said that they’re gonna reboot it. “If they’re strapped, we’re strapped. “I’ma die for mines.” “What the fuck are you talking about, man? “It’s the Internet, jackass! “It’s the Internet!” “Well, you need to say something, “’cause we almost lost a life today.” “Whose life? “You was gonna kill my son?” “Depending on what side he was on.” What? My dad called me over the holidays. “Hey! “I miss you. “I miss you, I miss them babies. “I wanna come see y’all.” I said, “Dad, all you gotta do is tell me when, I’ll put you on a plane.” He said, “Well, I wanna bring Connie with me.” “Dad, you wanna bring Connie, you can bring Connie.” “Well, before I bring her, I need to know “if your house is wheelchair accessible.” “Well, Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair, “so I never felt the need “to wheelchair-accessorize my home.” “Well, you need to get it right. “Connie’s in a wheelchair now.” “What the fuck happened to Connie? “Why is Connie in a wheelchair?” “It’s a long story. “She got hit by a car.” “Okay, first of all, you just told the story. “It wasn’t that long at all. “Second of all, how’d she get hit by a car? “What happened?” “Look, boy, I ain’t got time to talk to you about that. “I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining. “Legally, I can’t talk about it “’cause the case is still open.” “The case? “You got a case?” “Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house.” “Fine.” I don’t know what wheelchair shit is, people. I have no idea what wheelchair shit is. True story. I went out, I bought a handicapped sign, I put it in the driveway. True story, swear to God. ‘Cause that way, when they pull up, I look like I support. Like, hey. Hey. Look who’s welcome here. Like, hey. They get there, my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car, puts Connie in the wheelchair. He rolls Connie in the house. Connie gets in the house, she goes off. “Oh, my God! “I love it! I love it! “I wanna see the whole house!” She says, “Spoon, push me all over so I can see everything.” My dad snapped. “No! “No! “Sick of this pushing shit!” That’s what he said. “I’ve been pushing your ass all over the place all goddamn day. “Wherever I sit you is where you’re gonna have to stay “until I feel like moving you again.” I said, “What? “Why can’t she just roll around the house by herself?” He said, “‘Cause when I sit her down, “I’ma lock the back brakes so she can’t move.” “For what?” “Because I love her! “And I don’t want her rolling out of my life, that’s why.” “Okay, all right, stop. “Everybody, stop. Stop.” I said, “Look, y’all just landed, man. “Everybody’s a little bit on edge. “This is what we’re gonna do. “We’re gonna have a family night. “I’ma order some food, we’re gonna watch a movie. “That’s what we’re gonna do.” I order some food, I say, “Connie, go in the other room. “Go pick out a movie you wanna watch.” Connie goes in the room, she picks out a movie. She comes back. The movie she picked out was called The Conjuring. For those people here tonight who do not know what The Conjuring is, The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie that came out a long time ago. I said, “Connie, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to watch that “because of everything that’s been going on around the house.” My dad says, “Stop being a bitch.” I said, “No, Dad, I’m serious. “A raccoon shot at me twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. “I don’t have lights in my driveway.” He said, “Stop being a bitch! “Connie wants to watch the movie, “we’re gonna watch the movie.” Fine. We watch The Conjuring. After the movie’s over, it did exactly what I thought it would do, scared the shit out of me. My dad and Connie, they wanna go upstairs and they wanna go to sleep. Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs, Connie and my dad get into bed, they go to sleep. Me and my lady get into bed, my lady goes to sleep. I’m up. I can’t go to sleep, ’cause I got The Conjuring on my mind. I hear this in the hallway. [THUDDING] [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once. [RUMBLING CONTINUES] “Hey, babe, are you up? “I just heard some shit in the hallway.” “No, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” “Go put some shoes on so you can go see what it is with me, “so we can both go see what it is.” “Stop, Kevin, I’m asleep. “Just go see what it is.” I hear it again. [THUDDING] [THUNDER RUMBLING] You ever get so scared that you don’t know where to put your hands at? “All right! “Don’t make me come out there! “‘Cause if I get out there, I’ma be there!” I don’t even know what that means. I was scared. It was the first thing that came to my mind. She said, “Stop yelling at my ear, just go see what it is.” “Well, you’re up. It don’t look like you’re asleep, “so you should come with me. “Fine, fine. I’ll go by myself.” I sleep naked, so I had to get up, I had to put a robe on. I grabbed my robe, I start scared-walking towards the hallway. Scared-walking is when you’re walking, but you’re leaning backwards just in case… Just in case some shit goes down, you can get the fuck up out of there real quick. It’s quick. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. I get to the hallway. As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the lights on. [SCREAMS] I don’t what it is, people act like lights can stop a murder. Like… Like a murderer will see lights and be like, “Man, I was about to stab you in the neck, “but you got these fucking lights on, I ain’t gonna do it now.” They don’t give a shit about lights. I start scared-walking down this way. Scared-walking. I’m scared-walking. Scared-walking. Out of nowhere, my daughter jumps from behind the wall. [SCREAMING] Listen to me. Scared the living shit out of me. All I can tell y’all is that she learned from her past mistakes. She had a canteen on this hip, she had a fanny pack on this hip with snacks and shit. I don’t know how long she was there, but it had to be for a long time. I was so scared, I turned around, I jumped down my flight of steps. I got 15 steps in my house. I just jumped. When I jumped, the air got the best of my robe, it blew my robe up. My dick, my ass, everything is out. Somehow my car keys fall in my hand. Don’t know how. I don’t really care. I land, I run out the front door, get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing. I start dying laughing. The reason why I was laughing is because I realized that I don’t give a fuck about my family. I was like, “I don’t care. “I don’t care! “I don’t care!” I didn’t go wake my son up. I didn’t go check on my lady. To be 100% honest with you all, I don’t even know if that was my daughter or not. In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring that was clapping at everybody goddamn near her. I turn around and back out the driveway, my dad is sitting in the backseat of the car. I said, “What the fuck is going on here?” My dad goes… [THUNDER RUMBLING] “Did you hear that shit?” I said, “What?” “Did you hear that shit? “We gotta get the fuck outta here!” I said, “What about Connie?” He said, “What about her? “I can’t carry that goddamn chair downstairs by myself! “I locked the back brakes. “The back brakes are jammed. “I can’t get the back brakes unjammed. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” I said, “If you was that scared, “then why didn’t you leave already?” He said, “‘Cause a raccoon kept coming to the car “going ‘bang, bang,’ and then he grabbed his dick, “disappeared into the dark. “We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!” He pulled out his iPhone and he said, “Cyrus, wake your ass up! “Get my ass up outta here right now! “We ain’t got time for you to be fucking asleep, Cyrus.” “It’s Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri.” The toughest part about that night was the next morning when I got back home. Oh! Oh, no, we left! I’m sorry, I forgot. Yeah, we left. Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves. We got the fuck up outta there. The reason why the next morning was so tough ’cause as soon as I walked in the house, my lady was in the kitchen. She was like, “Where did you go last night?” And I told her, I was like, “I left.” She said, “What do you mean, you left?” I was like, “I left. I saved myself. “The only reason why I came back “is because I didn’t see anything on the news “so I knew you were still alive.” I told the truth. I did. The reason why I told the truth is because I told myself that I’m not gonna lie anymore. The only way I’ll lie is if the truth doesn’t sound believable. Ladies, please, please try to understand that. That doesn’t mean I was out cheating or fucking. It means that whatever I was doing just doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud. That’s it. That’s all it means. Everybody that follows me knows that all my comedy comes from a real place. First and foremost, understand that I’m older now. I’m 36. My friends are older than me. 42, 46, 47, 48. We go out, we do older guy shit. Me and my friends go to a lounge, this is a true story. When we get to the lounge, for some reason, we’re watching ping-pong on TV. We are locked in to this ping-pong match. Outta nowhere, my friend Joey goes, “You’d better be lucky we don’t have a ping-pong table. “If we did, I would bust all y’all’s ass.” I said, “Bet money, bitch.” That’s me and my friends’ biggest problem. We’re competitive. The word “bet” sets off that competitive nature. I said, “Bet money, bitch.” Harry said, “Bet.” Wayne, “Bet.” Spank, “Bet.” Joey, “Bet.” “Bitch, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Motherfucker, bet.” “Bet.” “N i g g a, bet.” “Bet.” “Bet it, bitch.” “Bet.” “Bet.” “Fuck you, bet.” “Bet.” We get in the car, we drive to Walmart. We drive to Walmart, we buy a ping-pong table. We go back to Joey’s house, we set the ping-pong table up in the kitchen. We get to playing ping-pong. Our game looks nothing like the game that we were watching on TV. So we decide to add alcohol into the mix. Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot. You get slammed on, gotta take two shots. You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely, gotta take three shots. Somewhere along the line, the game got so competitive that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts ’cause he said he wasn’t getting enough lateral movement in the house. Here’s the fucked-up part about that. It was Joey’s house. All Joey had to do is go upstairs and change into a pair of goddamn jean shorts. Here’s the second fucked-up part about that. Joey went upstairs to get the scissors to come back downstairs and cut his jeans into jean shorts. Somewhere along the line, I get slammed on. I go to return the ball, I miss the ball, run into the wall, fall down, black out. I wake up, it’s 10:00 am. Holy shit. It’s 10:00 am! I wake up, I look at my phone, I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages. Fellas, I’ma tell you something. The worst thing that you can do in life is not respond to your lady’s text messages. Do you hear me? That’s the worst thing that you could do. The reason why I say that is because your woman will then proceed to having a conversation with herself through the messages that she’s sending you. Listen to me. This is what that conversation looks like. [CELL PHONE CHIMES] [SINGSONG] “So this is what we doing now? “Wow! “I guess this what we’re doing now. “You know what? “I hope that bitch is worth it. “Wow! “So you telling me that bitch is worth it? “You know what? “Don’t even come home tonight. “Wow! “So you really not gonna come home tonight?” [IN NORMAL VOICE] She’s drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions that she drew by herself. It’s a sickness, ladies. It’s a disease. First thing I do, I haul ass into Joey’s room. “Joey! Wake your ass up! “What the hell you let me sleep over here till 10:00 am for? “You know damn well I gotta be home.” He said, “Let me stop you right there, Kev. “First of all, I don’t know where you have to be. Okay? “What I do know, is that I’m where I’m supposed to be. “I know that. I know that much.” He said, “It sounds to me like you need to make better life decisions.” I said, “Joey, don’t start that shit. “Don’t start that. “This is serious. “It’s 10:00 am! “I can’t just walk in the house “with nothing wrong with me at 10:00 am. “I’m not drunk, I’m not injured. “I can’t stroll in the house perfectly fine and be like, ‘Morning,’ “and just go to bed like everything’s all right at fucking 10:00 am.” He said, “Why not? That’s your house.” “I don’t give a fuck whose house it is, Joey! “It’s the principle!” I said, “Reverse it. “Let’s reverse it. “Let’s say your lady stayed out all night. “You’d been calling and texting her all night, “she ain’t responded to nothing. “She just walks in the house at 10:00 am. “In your mind, what was she doing?” “Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick, “that’s what that means she was doing.” I said, “That’s my point. “That’s what she’s gonna think I was doing.” “Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick, that’s what you telling me? “Well, you ain’t sucked no dick over here, I’ll tell you that. “This ain’t the dick-sucking house, “so I don’t know where you did that at.” “Joey, shut your dumb ass up! Shut up! “Bottom line, I’m not going to my house like this.” I said, “Joey, I got a plan. “This is what I’m gonna do. “Get up, get dressed. “Put on the same clothes you had on last night. “We’re gonna get in my car. “I’m gonna run my car into a wall, okay? “That way the airbags deploy. “When they deploy, I’ma take a selfie. “I’ma post it. “I’ma be like, ‘Fuck! Another accident! Shit happens.’ “#HospitalReady. “#iLoveMyLadyTho.” Um… “#TheDevilisALiar. “#JesusTookTheWheelAgain.” The point that I’m making is that I was willing to go through all those drastic measures just to avoid telling the truth. The truth is, I was playing ping-pong. But if I walk in the house at 10:00 am, as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen, and she like, “Where the fuck was you at last night?” And I go, “I was playing ping-pong!” And then her black girlfriend pop out and she like, “Ping-pong? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] I’m in trouble. I know my lady, people. I’ma tell you the worst thing about my woman. The worst thing about her is her sense of humor. After I proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months. I’m in Atlanta, I’m filming a movie. I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag, I find a pocket pussy in my bag. For those people here tonight who do not know what a pocket pussy is, a pocket pussy… A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket. I don’t know, people. It’s self-explanatory. I think the definition is in the title. All I know is, I didn’t put it in my bag. I call her. “Hey! “You put this pocket pussy in my bag?” “Yes. “Yes, I did.” “For what?” “Because you’re gonna be gone for two months. “If you get the urge to do something, I suggest you do it “to that pocket pussy.” “Girl, get off my phone. Bye.” “Bye.” I hang up the phone, unpack my bag, I put the pocket pussy on the table. I walk by that pocket pussy for three days, people. Each day became more difficult than the day before. Day one… Day one, I was cool. “Ha! “She bought a pocket pussy, put a pocket pussy in my bag! “She crazy, bought a pocket pussy!” Day two. “Let me read the package. “What does it say? “Like, what is it?” Day three. “I’ma open it ’cause I wanna smell it. “Is it real? “Like, what is it?” Day four was the saddest day of my life. Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the pocket pussy. Let me tell you when it got bad. It didn’t get bad until I caught a reflection of what I was doing in the mirror. I was going to work on this pocket pussy, people. I swear to God. I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking shit. “You think I’m just gonna walk by you every day? “That’s what you think? “You asked for this. “You wanted this just as much as I did.” I was so disappointed in myself. Let me tell you, here’s why I was mad. I was mad at the fact that they make contraptions for men. Like, fellas, if we wanna use something to please ourselves sexually, we look like creeps. Perverts. Women, you got it made. You got cute shit. You got the bullet. The bullet is this big. You can fit it in your coin purse. Use it at your desk at work. [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] [MAKES BUZZING NOISE] [MOANING] “You all right, Carol?” “I am now.” “What the fuck happened to you?” It’s not the same for men. I’ve been to the sex store. The shit that I saw, it disgusted me. The pocket mouth. The pocket ass. The pocket titties. I was disgusted. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! I bought all of it. I did. No, I know. I know. That’s one of the longest walks I’ve ever taken back to my car in my life. When they give you that pitch-black pervert plastic bag, you’re trying to look normal. [FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING] You look like a fucking creep. Everything about you says “creep”. You’re trying to speak, “How you all doing? Everybody all right?” “Get your freaky ass outta here, man! “I see that black plastic bag full of dicks. “Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass outta here, man.” “Right, all right. Got you.” I was excited when I got back to my hotel. I laid it all out on the bed. I was like, “All right. “Who’s gonna get this dick first?” I was excited. I was excited ’cause I created the perfect woman. I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth. Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head and left it all over the place. [LAUGHING] “I couldn’t do it. I can’t do this shit. “I can’t use this.” There’s only one thing that I’ve ever used for sexual enhancement. One thing. One thing. I don’t give a shit, I’ll tell the truth. I’ll be honest with you. I was having a bad week. It was a bad sex week for me. I was cumming fast all week. It was a premie week. That’s what I called it. It didn’t get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath. [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] Your lady ever give you that? She roll over on you… [EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE] “You want me to rub your back? “You all right? You want me to do anything? “I’m not drinking enough water, that’s the problem. “I’m not drinking enough water. “I’m dehydrated. “I really think that’s the problem.” I’ve only used one thing for sexual enhancement. One thing. Good thing about me and my friends is we fucking… We talk. We confide in one another. I called Nate. I said, “Nate, I don’t know what’s going on with my body, man. “I’ve been cumming fast all week, dude. “Is this a medical issue? “Like, really, do I need to go to the doctor? “Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?” He said, “Shut your ass up. You’re a man. “Happens to the best of us.” He said, “If you wanna fix this right away, I’ve got this numbing cream. “You put the numbing cream on your shit before you do it, “it’ll numb you up, you’ll last forever.” I said, “Nate, I need that tonight.” True story. I go to Nate’s house, he gives me the cream, I put it on at his house. I call my lady, I start talking shit. “Hey, you’ve been running your mouth all week. “As soon as I get home, “Operation Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back is in session. “As soon as I get home.” “Whatever, whatever.” “Ain’t no whatever. “Hole-In-Your-Back as soon as I get home.” I get home, we go at it. She stops me, she starts giving me head. [MAKES SUCKING NOISE] I stop her. We start doing it again. I’m talking shit. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! “You did this! “You did this to yourself! “Look at you sitting there, looking all stupid. “With that dumb-ass goddamn look on your face. “Can’t say shit now. “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something! “Say something!” She said, [IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE] “I can’t feel my mouth.” [IN NORMAL VOICE] I said, “What?” She said, “My mouth feels numb. “I can’t feel my mouth.” I look down, slobber and shit coming out the side of her mouth. It dawned on me she done sucked all the numbing cream off. But as a man, you can’t tell on yourself. You gotta take this to the grave. So I just made some shit up. I said, “You must be allergic to these pillowcases. “These are new pillowcases.” She’s like, “I know.” She said, “I know, I’m gonna throw them in the trash.” I said, “Yeah. “We gotta get rid of these.” This is what almost made me shit on myself. She said… She said, “I don’t feel pretty.” “You don’t look it right now. “This is fucked up. “This is bad for everybody. “You over here with that permanent “going-down-on- the-roller-coaster face.” This is fucked up. “Oh, no. Oh, no.” I let, like, a week go by, then I told her. I told her what happened. I didn’t give a shit. I told you guys, I’m 36. 36 is the perfect age to stop giving a shit. The shit that I used to care about, I don’t care about anymore. Like when I wear white underwear. Now, I don’t care about wearing ’em. Back then, if I had, like, shit stains in my drawers, I would try to get my drawers before she saw them. Get ’em out of the house. Get in my car, drive, cut ’em up, throw ’em out at different exits. “She ain’t never gonna find these. “CSI couldn’t find these.” Why do women love to argue about obvious shit? Like, she found a pair of my drawers with shit stains in them one time, she confronted me. “Uh, excuse me. “What is this?” “Bitch, it’s shit. “What do you think it is? It’s shit. “It’s perfectly placed in the crack of my ass. “What else would it be? “What, you think I got a Sharpie and I’m fucking with you? “You think I got a brown Sharpie, “and I’m like, ‘She’s gonna think this is shit?’ “Smell it, it smells like shit.” I got mad ’cause I knew where I hid them. So I tried to flip it. I was like, “What the fuck you doing behind the dresser? “I hid those behind the dresser!” Shit that I used to care about, I don’t care. I don’t care about not giving a shit as long as I don’t go crazy. I don’t wanna become crazy. I respect crazy people too much. The reason why, I’ve had too many situations with real-life crazy people. I’ma tell you, the craziest situation I’ve ever been in, one night, I’m drunk. I’m hungry. Everything’s closed, so I stop at a gas station. I go to the gas station and it’s crowded. There’s like 13 people in line. I want my chips and snacks that bad that I’m willing to wait in line. I decide to open up my chips. I start eating them while I’m in line. Out of nowhere, the guy in front of me snaps. “Sick of this shit! “Bitch on the register all fucking slow! “I bet you’ll speed it up “when I start shooting these motherfuckers in the head!” When I turned back around, we locked eyes. We’re looking at each other. I panicked, I was like, “You took the words right outta my goddamn mouth! “I was about to say the same shit!” He said, “Yeah, ’cause me and you brothers, that’s why. “Don’t worry, I got this one. “You get the next one. You can leave.” I said, “Thank you.” I left real fast. I didn’t say shit. I just walked out. Let me tell you something. One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was the day that I had to walk by 13 people that have just been told that they was about to die when I got chose to live. The reason why I was mad was ’cause they kept staring at me on my way out. I was like, “What? “He chose me. “What do you want from me?” This one lady was like, “Call the cops.” I was like, “I can’t. “My phone’s dead. “Just like you.” And I walked out. I was like this. I was just happy to be alive. I got stories like that for days. I can give you guys, by far, this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life by far. I’m at the airport. I just landed. I’m on my way to baggage claim. While I’m walking to baggage claim, out of nowhere, my stomach tells my ass that I gotta shit right now. I’ve never felt anything like this in my life. I had to shut my body down. Don’t nobody know what’s going on except me and my ass. I had to lock my ass up. That’s when you just get tight ass. I’m having a conversation with my ass. “Come on, man. “You really gonna do this shit right now?” My ass was like, “Yup, right now.” “You can’t wait 20 minutes till I get back to the house?” “Nope, you got 20 seconds. “Clock starts now. “19, 18, 17, 16, 15…” I say, “You got to be shitting me.” He said, “I’m not, but I will.” “Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!” I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport, but I don’t have a choice. The reason why I don’t wanna go to the bathroom at the airport is because I don’t want people taking pictures of me going to the bathroom and coming out, posting it. #KevinHartStinkybutt. People play too much. Social media shit has gotten out of hand. But I can’t hold it, I have to go. I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport. I’m in the bathroom stall, right? Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up. [TOILET FLUSHING] This is what it looks like, people. No, I’m for real, this is a life-size photo. This is really what it looks like. This is how small I am on an actual toilet. I’m in the bathroom. It’s 6:30 in the morning. I’m by myself. By myself. It’s quiet. It’s just like this. Quiet. This is what I hear outta nowhere. “Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man? “I wanna get a picture with you when you come out.” Immediately I put my feet up. I did this right here. I said, if he can’t see my feet, he’ll go away. He’s like, “Come on, man, I saw your feet already. “I know you’re in there. “Just gimme a timeframe. “How long you gonna be?” “Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man.” “Come on, man, that’s too long. “My flight leaves in like 10 minutes. Just pinch it. “Pinch it off for me.” “What the fuck? “What? No, man. “Ain’t nobody’s pinching nothing, man. “Just get outta here.” “Kev, don’t do me like that. “I’m your biggest fan, man. “I support everything you do. “What would you do if you was me?” “I would let me shit by myself, man. “Just get outta here.” He said, “Kev, come on. “You know what? “This is what I’ma do, I’ma get my picture real quick. “I’m just gonna put my phone over the stall, “I’ma snap a picture real quick.” The fear that went through my body of looking up and seeing a camera flash. Oh, my God, I was scared because I didn’t put toilet paper on the toilet seat. I didn’t have time. I didn’t want that picture to get out ’cause I didn’t want my fan base to know that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes. I said y’all gonna lose respect for me if you find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats. Listen, the reason why I had to go to the bathroom was because I drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee. My lady drinks coffee. She had a vanilla latte, I tasted it. I said, “God damn, babe. That’s good. What is that?” She said, “A vanilla latte.” I said, “Yo, I’m gonna get me one. “Where’d you get it from?” She said, “Starbucks.” I said, “I’m going.” She said, “Babe, “I should go with you ’cause you’ve never been.” “Girl, shut up. I’m grown, “I’ma go by myself.” “No, babe, I’m serious. “You don’t know how it works there. Let me go with you.” “Girl, shut up. I’m fine.” I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks. She keeps calling me while I’m on the way to Starbucks. “You get there yet?” “You okay?” “You need my help?” Now I’m getting nervous. Like, what the fuck is this place? I’m really getting nervous. I get to Starbucks, I’ve never seen anything like it. I open the door, it’s mayhem. All I hear is noise. “Gimme the frappe whap. “Frappe whap. “Frappe what, frapped lat. “Frappe whap, fat lat.” I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m scared. I’m in line. I don’t even know how I got in line, but I’m there. I’m like, in the middle. I’m trying to fit in, but I know I don’t. I’m sweating. I’m next. Here’s what I don’t like. I don’t like the pressure that the barista put on me for not knowing the lingo. It’s my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. My first time. I’m like, “Good morning. “Um… “It’s crowded, right? Shit. “Um, what do I want? “Let me get a… “Let me get a vanilla lattet.” “I’m sorry, sir, what’d you say?” “Is it… “Lemme get a vanilla latex. “Lattet. Let me get that.” “You mean latte?” “Yes, that’s what I mean. “Let me get a small vanilla latte.” “Okay, sir, that’s one tall vanilla latte.” “No. That’s not what I want. “I don’t want a tall, I want a small.” “Sir, a tall is a small.” “No, it’s not. “If that’s the case, I would be tall. “Tall is tall, a small is small.” You know what, I don’t wanna cause a rut. “Whatever your version of a small is, lemme get that.” “How would you like that, sir? “Would you like that iced or hot?” Fuck is going on, man? What you talking about? Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat shit. “Would I like it iced or hot? “Would I like it iced or hot? “Fuck. Um… “Shit. “How would you get it?” The lady behind me was like, “Mmm.” She only had one shoulder. I stopped talking to her immediately. I said, “Let me get it iced.” She said, “What’d you say?” I said, “Hot. “Hot ice. Icy hot. “Put it together like that. “That’s how I want it. That’s how I drink it.” “Sir, would you like it whipped or blended?” [SINGSONG] “Would I like it whipped or blended? “Shit. “Fuck. “Would I like it whipped or blended? [IN NORMAL VOICE] “You know what, whip it. “Whip it, whip it real good. Just do that.” “Sir, for $2 more, do you wanna make it a skinny?” “Well, you know, I ain’t trying to leave with the fat bitch. “Do what you gotta do, man.” “Sir, what kind of milk would you like? “Would you like whole milk, skim milk, 2%, soy?” “I didn’t even know there was that many milks, man. “Fuck. Shit. “What, you all got the heat on? “God damn, my fucking ass is sweating. “Can you back up? “God damn, back up! “You don’t see I’m trying to take this test? “Shit. “How many? You say there’s four milks? “Fuck. “Put them all in there. Give me every milk you’ve got. “I want every goddamn milk you got. Put it in there.” “Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put cinnamon on top?” “You know what? I just want to cancel it. “I don’t even know what I have at this point. “Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking cake? “Just let me… “Let me get a banana. “Can I get that banana? “Just put some water in my hand “so I can put it on my face real quick.” “You want that water to be hot or cold?” “What the fuck is your problem, man? “God damn! Will you back up? “Back up! “Shit! “Relax, bend your knees.” “I can’t bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan.” The black girl popped out. “Orangutan? “Really?” [AUDIENCE ECHOING] I’m gonna be honest with y’all. I don’t like people that drink Starbucks coffee. I really don’t. Matter of fact, if you’re a real Starbucks drinker and you’re here tonight, make some noise. If you’re a real Starbucks drinker. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Okay, all of y’all can suck my balls. I wanted you all to know who I was talking to. Here’s my question. Who the fuck do you think you are? Like, do you hear what you order? Do you hear what you’re asking people to bring you back? Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody? You don’t even drink it, you’re just being nice. “Hey, man, I’m going to Starbucks real quick. I’ma get a bottle of water. “Somebody want something?” It’s always one guy. You can tell he drinks way too much coffee ’cause he got too much energy. [GRUNTS] “Hey! Yay! Hey-yay-yay! “You going to Starbucks? “You going to Starbucks? You going to Bucky’s? “Do me a favor, man. Let me get a, um… “Let me get a caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it? “You ain’t got it. I’ma say it one more time. “Caramel macchiato. “Caramel macchiato. “Light ice. Not heavy. “If it’s heavy, I’m not gonna drink it. “Do me a favor. “Tell ’em to put a little bit of soy in it. “Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go… [SMACKS LIPS] “‘Oh, boy.’ Okay? “Three whips. “Take that third whip to the top of the lip “so I can take a sip, you got it?” “Let me make sure I got it. “Let me say it back to you. “Black coffee. Did I get it? “Is it black coffee? “‘Cause if you think I’ma go across the street and say what you just said, “you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday. “Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy. “Enough for you to suck my dick and go… [SMACKS LIPS] ‘Oh, boy.’ “When you get to the top of my dick, “slow down so I can know you really sucked that shit.” Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. Thank you! [AUDIENCE CHEERING] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you! God damn it, thank you! I love y’all! Thank you, man! [AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING] Thank you! From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom, thank you! I love y’all, man! I’ll tell you what, Philadelphia. This is a fucking moment, dude. This is a moment. You hear me? It’s a moment. When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible. You hear me? I see some of everybody. We all came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. If you can laugh together, you can live together. If you can live together, you can love together. I live by those rules, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that shit happen tonight. In my city, I made fucking history, goddamn it. I’m in the record books, you hear me? I am in the record books. My name is Kevin Hart, and this has been the best night of my fucking life. You hear me? Thank you all. I appreciate you so goddamn much. Good night. Peace. That’s a show! Did you see that? 53,000 people! Did you feel that energy? That love in the building? Yes. I saw it, Kevin, you were great. What’s wrong? What’s going on? You know the man you killed? Yeah. He wasn’t the leader. What you talking about? They’re back. They’re here? We gotta go! Get the fuck outta here. KEVIN: It’s Agent 5-4. I need a helicopter ASAP. DISPATCHER ON RADIO: We need an ID challenge. Password, please. Um… [SOFTLY] National Geographic titties are my favorite thing. DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4. You’re breaking up. Please come again? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Titties with no nipples on National Geographic are my favorite thing to watch on TV. Titties with no nipples? That’s your password? DISPATCHER: ID confirmed, Agent 5-4. Helicopter en route. Thank you. We’re picking up two inbound bogeys about half a mile east of your location. Shit. They’re on our ass. [TIRES SCREECHING] [TIRES SCREECHING] KEVIN: Oh, shit. Get in. So what now? Now? Well, now we do the same thing on a global scale. I think it’s time to show the world just how funny Kevin Hart is. SINGER: [SCREAMING] Kevin!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Tucker: Live (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-tucker-live-2015-transcript/

[upbeat music playing] [exhaling] [indistinct conversations] [crowd cheering] [inaudible] [audience cheering uproariously] What up? Stop! Stop! [audience applauding] I’m so glad y’all came out tonight! Y’all here with your loved ones. Give it up for everybody here with a date! Y’all lookin’ good! First date. Yeah, y’all gotta be careful when you’re first datin’, ’cause people will do anything to get you, and then when you marry ’em, they change on you. And it’s men and women, too. ‘Cause you… Fellas, you, before you know– ‘Cause you see people, you out there with your dates, some of y’all datin’ now. See, you ain’t out with the real person, that’s their representative you out with right now. You don’t know who the hell you out there sittin’ with… until you marry ’em. [chuckles] ‘Cause, fellas, you ask a woman to do anything for you before you marry ’em, if they want you, they gonna do it. Men, too, they do the same thing. Men and women do it. Fellas, you can ask a woman, say, “Baby, you go get me somethin’ to eat? And somethin’ to drink, please? Something…” She’ll be like, “Okay. Is that all you want?” “Yeah, baby, that’s it. That’s it. Thank you, baby.” “No, thank you.” [audience laughing] “So, you want a lot, baby, or a little bit? Here you go, baby.” You do that. You marry her and ask her, “Baby, you get me somethin’ to drink? And somethin’ to eat, please?” [in gruff voice] “Go get your own goddamn drink. Who the hell you think you’re talkin’ to?” [audience laughing and applauding] [mouthing] What the fuck? “Baby, you hear that?” [in gruff voice] “Yeah, I heard! It was me, God damn it. Who the hell you think it was?” “Baby, what happened to my baby?” [in gruff voice] “Your baby right here, God damn it!” [growling] [screams] “I want a divorce!” [in gruff voice] “You can’t divorce me. You didn’t make me sign a pre-nup!” [screams] But marriage is good, though, marriage is good. You just gotta be careful, man. ‘Cause I’m tired of datin’. Datin’ ain’t cool, man. Datin’ ain’t… Especially, you know, sometimes you date and you think… You date a little younger than you, you think that’s cool. That ain’t cool, man. This new generation, there’s somethin’ wrong with ’em. I don’t know what’s wrong with ’em. I’m serious. I was datin’ this girl, and it was goin’ good, you know. I thought it was cool. I said, “This is gonna be good.” You know, we got close, it was wild, and we started makin’ love, and I was like, “This is good. She might be the one. She might be the one!” And I opened up my eyes and she was tweetin’. I said, “What the hell you doin’ tweetin’ with the– What is wrong with you?” [audience cheering] “Put that damn phone down! You are rude as hell!” She’s like, “People need to know what you doin’.” I said, “Uh-uh! No! Not this! No!” I took the phone and said, “What the hell are you tweetin’?” Talkin’ ’bout “Chris handlin’ his business.” I said, “You can tweet this, but that’s it. That’s it! That’s all.” What the hell’s wrong with you? Somethin’ wrong with this new generation. Better enjoy it. This might be it. This might be the last time. [audience laughing] Tired of datin’, man. I dated out of the country. You think people don’t know you that well, but they know. They know me over there, too. Dated a girl, man, who didn’t even speak English. I thought it was cool. My friend’s like, “Do you realize she don’t even speak English?” I said, “Do you realize I don’t give a damn? Do you see how fine she is?” All she knew how to say was, “Money! Money, Chris! Money!” I should have known there was a problem. She said, “What ’bout my family, Chris?” What ’bout…” I said, “What about your family? Shit.” “They need money, Chris. You have it. They need it!” I said, “Shit… I already got a family that want my money. No, you better go back to your village. It’s over. This is over.” “Chris, this is not right, Chris…” “You’d better go learn English, ’cause you don’t hear what I’m sayin’.” I dated outside my race, I dated all… I dated a white girl. It was cool at first. She had me doin’ stuff I never did before, like showin’ up on time, and… [audience laughing] Got me hooked on Starbucks. It was pretty cool. Everything was cool till she took me rollerbladin’. Then we broke up. I almost broke my damn ankles messin’ around with her ass. She was leavin’ me and shit. She was good. She said, “Chris, come on. It’s okay. Follow me!” Spinnin’ around and shit. “Just relax! Go side to side like I showed you! You’re spillin’ your Starbucks, Chris. You can’t play basketball every day, Chris.” I said, “This shit sound racist. Slow your ass down, Samantha! Told you it was my first time. Get these goddamn rollerblades off me. It’s over. It’s over!” I dated a ghetto girl. I was scared as hell every time… She said, “Close your eyes.” I’d be like, “For what? What for? What you want?” “Ain’t nobody tryin’ to rob your punk ass, Chris. Now put your arms up!” I was like, “People know where I’m at.” She said, “No, I don’t wanna date no damn punks.” Crazy, man! Datin’ is crazy, man. You gotta be careful, man. You gotta be careful. But you got somebody good, man, just keep ’em, man. Don’t go– Ain’t nothin’ out there, keep ’em. Nothin’ out there. You got somebody that’s half good, try to fix ’em! If they got small problems, not big ones. Those small ones, you can try to work with ’em. [audience applauds] And treat ’em right. Fellas, surprise your wife! Surprise your wife. Don’t be doin’ the same thing all the time. Buy her roses and sunflowers and even sunflower seeds. Whatever you can afford, I don’t care. “Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow. They’ll grow one day. You can eat ’em, too, baby.” She’ll go, “Lordy, that’s so cute. He’s so cute.” When I get married, I want my wife to have a sense of humor, ’cause I’m-a surprise her. She ain’t gonna know what the hell I’m-a do. She gonna be scared. She ain’t gonna know when I’m-a come home. She gonna always be cookin’ and be like, “Chris, that you? I’m cookin’ now. Don’t let me mess up this food! He’s so crazy.” I’m gonna come home, she won’t know what– I’m-a come home with a gun and a mask, through the window. “Get on the ground! Get on the ground! Whatcha doin’? Whatcha cookin’?” [screams] “Who are you?” “Baby, it’s me. It’s me, baby. It’s me.” [audience laughing] “You’re so crazy! I didn’t know who you were, fool. [kisses] You’re so stupid! Why you had to break the window, Chris? That’s the third window. So stupid. You better not have messed up my roses outside. I love your crazy ass. You make me sick. [kisses] So stupid. You’re always surprisin’ me. Chris!” I’ll be like, “I know you didn’t know who I was. Yeah, you didn’t know who I was. You scared? Why you scared? You was scared. I know you’re scared. You were reaching for the phone, weren’t you? Callin’ the cops?” Don’t stop right there, fellas! Go up to her job. Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job. Gun and a mask. Go in and… “Get on the desk! Get on the desk! Get on the desk! You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’.” “What are you doing, Chris? This is my job! You goin’ to make me lose my job! You’re so crazy. [moans] You’re so stupid. I love you. Your crazy ass. You’re so stupid! [kisses] Get outta here. I’ll see you when I get home. [whispers] Get out of here! Get out of here!” “I love you, baby. I love you. See you when you get home.” [audience laughing] Be careful, guys. Don’t play too much. One time she gonna come home and fool you. She’ll come home like, “You don’t have no business playin’ like that in the park.” [stammers] [audience laughing] “What the hell you talkin’ about? I was at work today.” -“You weren’t in the park?” -“Hell, no! You know I had to work! And why didn’t you call the cops? God damn, baby!” “It’s your fault! You play too much. I don’t know when the hell you’re gonna jump out of everywhere, and…” “It’s your fault. You knew I had to work today.” Be careful, though, fellas. If you wanna get married, ask the right people. Don’t ask the wrong people, because they give you the wrong advice ’cause their marriage is messed up. Ask the right people, ’cause I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” He was like, “Don’t do no stupid shit like that. Don’t do no stupid shit like that. You’re free. Get out there, boy. You’re a black stallion. Get out there and buck! Get out there and buck, boy!” [audience laughing] “Get out there and have some fun! You’re free.” I said, “Uncle John, you’ll put your back out actin’ like that. Stop it.” I ain’t ask him nothin’ else. I asked my granddaddy ’cause I thought my granddaddy’d give me better advice. I said, “Granddaddy, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” I thought he’d give me good advice. He told me… He said he glad he recorded his weddin’, so he can rewind it and walk away a free man. [audience laughing and applauding] Any married couples like their marriages? -That’s good. That’s beautiful. -[audience applauding] I haven’t been married. I’m scared to get married. I’m scared. I just made some money. I ain’t tryin’ to lose the shit right away. Marriage sometimes ain’t a good business deal. I’m looking, you know. I’m looking, though, but, you know, I need a woman gonna help me, though. I don’t care nothin’ about fine. You gotta be more than fine. You gotta be able to– -[audience cheering and applauding] -That’s right. You gotta be able to do some other stuff. You got to be able to fill out a 1099 and shit. That’s right. You need to be able to help me out with my taxes and shit. You better have an accounting degree to be with me. Take care of your business, man. Don’t listen to people. Do your own business. Be careful who you listen to, ’cause that’s the last time I let Wesley Snipes help me out with my taxes! [audience laughing] [scoffing] Almost got both our asses locked up, man. I’m gonna kick Wesley’s ass! I wanted to Passenger 57 his ass! Nino Brown his ass. I’m serious, man. He told me and Ron Isley the same thing. Ron Isley was pissed off. I talked to him last night. Ron’s still mad about it. He said, ♪ I’m-a kick Wesley’s ass ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “Ron, let it go, let it go! Put the cane down! Put the cane down, Ron. You don’t wanna do this.” Wesley gonna tell us that mess… We was out one night in Hollywood, he gonna tell me we didn’t have to pay taxes. “Man, we ain’t gotta pay no goddamn taxes, man.” I said, “Wesley, what the hell you talkin’ about?” “I’m Blade. Blade don’t pay no goddamn taxes. You pay taxes, huh? [chuckles] Gee Money, you ain’t gotta pay no taxes and shit, man.” “I ain’t Gee Money, I’m Chris. What the hell is he talkin’ about? This ain’t New Jack City. Wesley, stop smokin’ that stuff!” Good thing about owing the IRS, though, everybody else got to wait. Bill collectors try to threaten you, they can’t even threaten you in this economy. Talkin’ ’bout, “If you don’t pay the house note, we gonna come and get it.” I say, “Well, shit, come get it. It’s upside down anyway. Come and get it.” [audience laughing] “Don’t you wanna talk about it?” -“No! You said you’d come and get it. Now, come and get this shit!” [audience laughing] “Well, let’s talk about it, Mr–” -“No, no! I don’t wanna talk about nothing. I don’t want that house no more anyway. I don’t go down there anyway.” People, you know, people will say, “Save your money.” You know, you’re young. You don’t want to hear that. They say, “Save your money for a rainy day.” I say, “Shit, it’s raining today. I’m about to go get me a Ferrari. I’m about to go have some fun!” I was doing crazy stuff, y’all. I was doing crazy stuff. I bought two houses right next door to each other. Just crazy. I was my own next door neighbor. It was crazy as hell. I was borrowing stuff from myself and shit. “You got some sugar we can borrow?” “You know I got some sugar we can borrow. What you talking about? You’re me and I’m you, man. Go on up there and get it.” “You ain’t gotta talk to me like that. Damn, dude. I ain’t wanna be rude. I was gonna ask you. Damn. You gonna act like that, long as I’ve been knowing you. Shit.” Crazy, man! I’m cutting back though, now. I’m saving my money. I’m smart. Being smart with my money. I ain’t doing that buying up all these houses no more. Smart! Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri are getting an apartment together. [audience laughing and applauding] And Terrell Owens is movin’ in, too, with us. [audience laughing] [chuckles] And bill collectors get on my nerve, too. They get the– They get on your nerve. They call you. They call you, just messing with you. There’s no reason, just… I don’t care though. I tell ’em. I tell ’em. I say, “Look, people owe me, too. Shit.” “I’m serious.” I said, “Call Terry, he owes me $200. Put that down on the bill.” They say, “We don’t know who no Terry is, or where he is.” I say, “I don’t know where his ass at neither! Let’s find his ass! Can’t you see he’s the problem? Shit. We’re up here fussing, he’s running free with our money. You gotta look at who’s the problem here.” Bill collectors make me sick. They always go, “We need the money.” They act like you owe them the money personally. “We need the money.” I said, “Look, I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. You know what I mean? I owe the company the money. You stay the hell out of me and that American Express’ business.” American Express make me sick, too. I should have left home without it. They get on my goddamn nerve. They don’t tell you to stop, but they want their money when you owe ’em. “Uh, you’re overdue.” “So, why y’all didn’t stop me?” I’ve been getting so much on a credit card, I’ll be like, “I think somebody else did it.” I’m like, “Who the hell did this shit? I didn’t buy all this shit! When the hell did I buy a statue?” “May I remind you, I’ve seen you shopping with Michael Jackson.” “Oh, shit!” I remember that. Michael talked me into getting that shit. You ever loan somebody some money and they get an attitude with you when you ask for it back? And they’d be like, “God damn, man! Shit! God damn! You’re still worried about that little-ass money?” He looked me up and down like this, “Little-ass money…” “That shit wasn’t little when you borrowed it, God damn it! Give me my goddamn money!” “Rich as you is? Let me tell you how much money you got.” “No, what? No, no, you don’t know what I got.” “Damn, man, I told you I was gonna pay you on Tuesday. Shit.” “Well, you told me last Tuesday, not any Tuesday, man. Go get my goddamn money! What the hell is wrong with you?” That’s why when people ask me for money, I take pictures of them now. I take pictures ’cause they don’t remember. They don’t remember! When they was crying and shit when they was asking for the money, I take pictures of ’em. I say, “Remember this shit? Look at this picture. Look at it. Remember, you was begging. You was crying so much. You don’t wanna live no more. You see this shit. Give me my goddamn money, man!” Then they try to deny it, “Man, that ain’t me.” “That’s a close-up shot. That is you! That’s when you was on your knees. Right there! Give me my damn money!” You can’t trust nobody, man. I’m gonna be like Oprah. Oprah Winfrey don’t trust nobody. That’s why she’s so rich. Oprah don’t trust nobody. I remember one time Oprah invited all these celebrities to her house, and I came and all these celebrities were in her house, and everybody came over, and she had everybody in the yard. Wouldn’t let nobody in the house. We was like, “God damn! What kind of shit is that?” [audience laughing] Everybody asked everybody, “Have you been in the house?” “No, I haven’t, no.” -“You’ve been in the house?” -“No, that’s why I asked you.” “I mean, she won’t let nobody in there, but Gayle and Maya Angelou. Shit. Damn. ‘Cause she don’t trust nobody else.” I tried to get in with Maya Angelou. Told Maya Angelou I need to use the bathroom. “Miss Angelou, I gotta use the bathroom. Can I go in there with you?” She was like, “Hell, no, son!” [audience laughing] “Who the hell do you think I am? You know I’m wise. Oprah don’t want nobody in that house. I’m gonna get me a ride back on that plane. Shit, I gotta go home tomorrow.” Everybody want you to trust ’em. McDonald’s got two windows. Two windows! One where you pay and the other one where you get your food. I’m like, “Man, if I give y’all my money, I want my food, man. Same time! Same time! What the hell is wrong with y’all? You better go up there and get my goddamn food, man!” “Sir, sir, your food is at the next window, calm down.” “No, no, you take your ass up there. You go get my food and come back. I gave you my money, I want my food, man! I don’t know you, man! I don’t know who the hell at that next window. That could be another store. I don’t know who the hell up there.” People blowing their horns behind me, so I said, “Man, they’re playing with people’s food up here! Y’all can fall for this shit, but not me! Now, go get my food, man. You go up there and get my food, and you come back, that’s what you do. All right, you don’t wanna do that? I ain’t going then. I’ll stay right here. I don’t give a damn. [audience laughing and applauding] Go get my food, man!” They gonna call the cops on me. Do you believe that shit? Any cops in here? Where they at? Y’all play too much. Where they at? Cops play too much, don’t they? They play too much. They’re childish. Hiding in the woods, waiting for somebody to speed. Man, that’s childish! [audience cheering] You trying to go to work, they playing hide-and-go-see and shit. You know how they do, hiding and shit? Just hiding behind stuff. You know how they… [audience laughing] “Shit. Shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!” [mimicking police siren] Making all that damn noise, messing up your hearing and shit. “Man, turn the shit down. You got me!” Messing up my damn hearing over a damn ticket! Then they’re talking with you like you’re some little kid. “Turn that goddamn car off, boy. Turn it off! APB, we need a three-four-five. Tupac just went through here like a goddamn bat out of hell. Get down here now! Where the hell were you going, boy?” “You ain’t my daddy. Who the hell are you? Don’t talk to me like that. You ain’t my daddy.” “Why was you speeding, boy?” “‘Cause I didn’t see you.” [audience laughing] “Why was you hiding, man? Tell me that. Why was you hiding? That shit ain’t fair, man! There’s good people out here trying to go to work. Playing games and shit.” “Boy, watch your mouth, son! Now, I ain’t gonna tell you again! One more time, out of you. One more time. Now, you’ve seen us behind you. Why the hell you start speeding up?” “‘Cause you was catching up, that’s why. I don’t just give up. My mama didn’t raise me like that.” Cops, man. That’s why I love when I get over on ’em. Don’t you love it when you get over on a cop? When you’re speeding and you think they got you but they done already pulled somebody over. Don’t you love that? You be speeding and you be like, “Oh, shit, he done got me. God damn. Oh, no, he done already got somebody. Oh, he’s not gonna stop me! [mimics car accelerating] Hey, man, you should’ve waited, man. I was going way faster than him. I got some weed and some cocaine!” [mimics tires screeching] Cop be mad at you, “Goddamn, son of a bitch! APB, goddamn, down here, now! Where the hell is that son of a bitch going? God damn it, I missed a big one messing with this old-ass lady.” Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss Michael, man! I miss him. [audience cheering] Michael was the king, man! Real, like, true life king! Y’all seen me in the video? I was in one of his videos. Y’all seen me in “Rock My World”? I couldn’t believe I was in that video. I kept messing up the video looking at Michael. I was like, “God damn, I can’t believe I’m in this goddamn video!” Michael was getting mad. [mimics Michael] “Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris, look straight. What the hell are you doing? You’re messing up my video, Chris!” I go, “Mike, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m in the video with you, man!” “Chris, believe it. Chris, believe it! Shit. You’re messing up my video, Chris!” [audience laughing and applauding] “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I can’t believe it.” Michael was so cool, man. Michael changed my name. I didn’t even say nothing. He started calling me “Christmas” and shit. First, I didn’t know who he was talking about. I didn’t know who he was talking to. He was like, “Hey, Christmas.” “Who’s Michael talking to?” Michael, “I’m talking to you, Chris. I’m talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It’s beautiful, Chris. Reminds me of Christmas. Christmas trees, presents, fireplaces… It’s beautiful, Chris. You should keep it, Chris.” He convinced me. I’m like, “Do sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Okay, Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. We’ll keep it for a little while.” Went up to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. But Neverland was really, like, Neverland. You go there, Michael had big golden gates. You go through the gates, the music come on, everybody’s… [vocalizing] I’m like, “God damn! This really is Neverland. I don’t never, ever wanna leave. Shit.” It be fly, too. Michael had us ride on a little train to the house. “This is some shit, right here. Michael got a train in his house.” We get to the house. Man, Michael be sitting there, cold-blooded, like Michael Corleone. He’d be sitting in the living room. His people get your bags. You ain’t gotta worry about that. Michael be saying, “How are you? How are you doing?” We’d be sitting there talking, all of a sudden something magical would happen. Like, two giraffes just walk by the window. Like, “What the fuck was that? Michael, was that two giraffes just walked by the window?” “No, it was three. It was three giraffes, Chris. It was three.” “Michael, that was fly as hell!” “I know, I know. That’s why I bought ’em. That’s why I bought ’em.” “There ain’t no more animals free like that is there, man?” “Couple of elephants, one lion. We can’t find that lion.” “What? What? What the fuck?” “It won’t bite you, Chris.” “It won’t bite you, Michael. That lion don’t know me. Better find that damn lion.” Michael was cool, man. We’d hang out with Michael. Michael liked rap. He liked that 50 Cent song, “In Da Club.” He liked the beat, so he’d be jamming to the beat. We’d be riding in the car, Michael’d just be jamming to the beat. He’d be like… [beatboxing] Michael’d be getting down. He’d just play it back… [continues beatboxing] All of a sudden, you know… It’s cool till he starts singing the words. That’s when it sound crazy. He’s like, ♪ You see me in the club With a bottle full of bub… ♪ “Michael, Michael, no! Michael, no! Don’t sing the words.” “Chris, I love that song, Chris. I love that beat. I love it, Chris. That is a cold-blooded beat. I love that beat. Of course I wouldn’t go in the club with a bottle full of bub, Chris. I wouldn’t do that. But I love that song, Chris.” -“That didn’t sound right, Mike.” -“I know, but I love it.” He liked Rick Ross, too. He loved– Sometimes he’d be… Just going around places… [grunts] He’d be doing a song going… [grunts] I’d be like, “What the hell was that?” I said, “Michael, was that you?” “No, no.” -“Did you hear that?” -“I didn’t hear nothing. I don’t know what that was. I thought you did it. I don’t know who did it.” One time, I caught him. He’s all… [grunts] I said, “Michael, I saw you. I knew it was you!” “I’m sorry, Chris, I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love Maybach Music. I love… They’re so cool. He’s so crazy. [grunts] I love that. He’s so free. I wanna do that on my album. -[grunts] [audience laughing] He’s so crazy. So silly. [grunts] Crazy guy.” I said, “Michael!” One time I did something real cool with Michael, though. I went over Barry Gibb’s house from the Bee Gees. You know Barry Gibb. I was like, “Damn, this is fly.” We was watching the Oscars at Barry Gibb’s house of the Bee Gees. And we were sitting there and all and hanging out and stuff. And I said, “God damn, I’m sitting here with Barry Gibb and Michael Jackson.” And all of a sudden both of ’em start singing. They were singing “How Deep is Your Love.” I said, “God damn! This is Michael Jackson and Barry Gibb singing right in front of me. Ain’t nobody gonna believe this shit.” There was just me and a dog looking. The dog even seemed surprised. [mimics dog] “God damn, this shit is fly! Shit, what is this?” -I said, “Do you see this shit?” -“Yeah, I see the shit. Michael Jackson, Barry Gibb, sure.” So they start singing. Michael starts singing first. Man, I never heard him sing live before. He was like… ♪ How deep is your love? How deep is your love? ♪ ♪ I really need to know ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools ♪ ♪ Breaking us down ♪ ♪ And we all should let it be ♪ ♪ And the world should be… ♪ And then Barry came in. ♪ I believe in you ♪ [singing gibberish] And then I got caught up and came in. ♪ Come to you on a summer breeze ♪ ♪ And you know I can stay and you know it ♪ And Michael’s like, “Chris, no. Chris, no.” [audience laughing and applauding] “Chris! Chris… No, Chris. What are you doing, Chris? Barry, I’m sorry, Barry. Chris!” I said, “Michael, I’m sorry, I got caught up.” “No, Chris, no. Stick with the jokes. Chris, no. What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, Mike, I got caught up, man. -It sounds so good.” -“No, Chris, no! You said you wouldn’t say nothing, Chris. Barry, I’m sorry. Chris, what’s wrong with you? No. I’m sorry, Barry. I’m sorry. Chris, what are you doing?” “I’m sorry, Michael, it was just sounding so good, I thought I–” “No, Chris, no. Chris, go to the car, Chris, go to the car.” “Michael, man, I won’t say nothing else.” “I know you won’t say anything else, Chris. Go. Beat it, Chris. Beat it, Chris.” “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I–” “Chris, go, go, I told you not to– You always want to be starting something. Go, just go. Go. I don’t wanna hear it, Chris.” [giggles] Michael the man, man. Michael performed live, man, Michael was incredible, man. Michael’d do some… Michael’ll go out there and do… [vocalizes] He’d be talking to your girl, you don’t even say nothing. You don’t even say nothing. You’d be like, “You take her, Mike. Go! Go take her. I got to come with you though, Mike.” [giggles] Michael be coming to sing, going, ♪ Lookin’ out across the night sky ♪ ♪ The city winks a sleepless eye ♪ ♪ Get you alone ♪ ♪ Shake my window ♪ ♪ It’s such an amusing sight ♪ ♪ When we say why, why ♪ ♪ Tell ’em that it’s human nature ♪ ♪ Why, why does he do me that way? ♪ Give yourselves a round of applause. [audience applauding] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ Thank y’all for supporting and coming out here. Y’all got to stop messaging me about this Friday stuff. God damn, y’all. Thank you for supporting me in the movie. Everybody want to see me do another Friday. I go through the airport, and the security people just stop me just to ask me that. “Oh, I got to do a check here. Hey, man, you gonna do another Friday? Turn around, man. Turn around. Come on, man. Wish you would do it. Cube wanna do it. Come on, man, do it. It’d help you with your taxes. Come on, man.” “Stay the hell out of my business. Do your job. Make me late for my flight.” I appreciate y’all lovin’ the movie. I ain’t gonna do another one. ‘Cause Cube didn’t pay me for the first one, shit. [audience laughing] He said he’d give me some CDs and some weed. I said, “Hell, no.” [mimicking Ice Cube] Talkin’ bout, “You ain’t even tried it yet, Chris. You ain’t even tried it yet.” Cube, I don’t want no damn weed. I want some money! Cube’d be talking to you, but it’s like he rapping to you. [rapping] ♪ You can do it Put your back into it ♪ “Is he rapping or talkin’ to me? Cube, what’d you say?” [rapping] ♪ Don’t stop Get it, get it ♪ “Man, would you stop rapping to me?” He’s doing movie lines. “Either they don’t know, they don’t show, or they don’t care what’s going on in the hood.” I said, “Cube, that’s Boyz n the Hood, man! Would you stop acting?” My family tripped out when they found out how much money I was making. My family acted a fool. They just act cray, all of them. They found out how much money I was making, all of them just quit their jobs. They just quit. I said, “What the fuck?” I said, “Wait a minute. What y’all doin’?” They were going around singing, ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪ ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪ ♪ We rich, rich, rich ♪ ♪ We rich, we rich, we rich ♪ I said, “Y’all ain’t rich. I’m rich. You better get y’all jobs back before it’s too late. Shit. What’s wrong with y’all?” It was crazy, man. Everybody wanted something, man. My brother was reminding me of stuff he did for me when I was five years old. He said, “Man, remember that time you was walking across the street and that car was comin’? And I said, ‘Hold up, wait a minute.'” [audience laughing] “You got to remember that, man. Chris, you wouldn’t even be alive now, man. Loan me the money for the house, man. Damn.” I said, “I don’t remember. I’m too young, I was too young.” You can’t ask nobody how they’re doin’. It always leads back to money. I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, how you doing? Good to see you.” “Oh, man, God damn!” [audience laughing] “God! Chris, man. [groans] Chris… Really bad. Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris…” You know somebody in some pain when they say, “Oh…” They’re howling your name. [moaning] “Oh, Chris, Chris I’m so glad you said something, son. The Lord must be speaking to you today, Chris.” [audience laughing] “Chris… I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna pay all these damn bills, Chris.” I said, “Uncle John, I don’t know how the hell you’re gonna pay them neither! God damn! I just asked you how you was doing, man! Damn! Why everything gotta lead back to money?” On a trip, man. My daddy tripped out. My daddy tripping, going to tell me his doctor said he need a new car ’cause the old car messin’ up his back. I said, “Daddy!” [audience laughing] He gonna swear me down, “Look at the prescription. That’s what the doctor said. Look at the prescription. Nobody trying to trick you. Shit. That old car killin’ me, son. That’s what the doctor said. You want your daddy to die, boy? Go on, look at the prescription. See that, it need to be blue and convertible. It’s good for my spirit, son. That’s what the doctor said. I didn’t make up nothing like that.” I said, “Daddy, no.” My daddy wanted a new car because I bought my mama a new car. ‘Cause you know, when you make a little money, first thing you do is take care of your mama, right? You take care of your mama. [audience applauding] In black families, that’s what we do with this new generation money, take care of your mama. But then my parents, they separated when I was young, which is cool ’cause my daddy was always around. They separated and then I bought my mama a car, my daddy wanted one. Well, I said, “Daddy, I ain’t going broke ’cause you and Mama don’t love each other no more. I ain’t buying no two cars, I ain’t doing it.” I said, “You better get back with Mama. Shit.” I said, “Ride in the back seat. Y’all ain’t gotta talk. Shit. So what’s love got to do with it?” My daddy left home, he left home when I was younger and stuff. He thought we was all sad, but we was cool because it was like, “Shit, it’s too crowded in the house anyway.” We were happy. “He need his own place. Shit. Always turning the TV and shit. Nobody wanna watch no damn Dallas.” [chuckling] He thought we were sad, and he came back one day to talk to us, we was like, “Oh, shit, I know he ain’t comin’ back, is he?” I said, “Daddy, you ain’t coming back, are you? Don’t be a quitter now.” [audience laughing] “You don’t want us to grow up to be quitters, do you? Besides, we done took your room. Mama in our room now. We got the big room.” “Go get your ass out in front of me.” I worked for my daddy, too. Don’t work for family. You ever work for family? Don’t work for family. You ever got a whoopin’ at your job? That’s embarrassin’ as hell. My daddy would… My daddy would whoop us anywhere. “Get your ass in there. Do what I told you to do.” I’m like, “Daddy, come on, wait till we get home.” “You don’t wait for me, God damn it. -You’ll do what the hell I tell you to.” -“Daddy, please!” My daddy come home and just whoop everybody in the house. Be whoopin’ my friends and shit. “Get your ass up there. Do what I told you to do.” “Mr. Tucker, Mr. Tucker, I ain’t your son!” “Get your ass out of my house, then. I told you not to come down here. You need an ass-whoopin’ anyway, God damn it.” “I’m-a tell my daddy.” “I catch him in my house, I’m-a whoop his ass, too!” One time, my daddy whooped me and my brother like slaves. Like two slaves, ’cause he came home, he was mad. He came home from the Atlanta dairy, he was mad. We didn’t know he was mad. We did something, broke something, so we tried to tell on each other. So we ran up to him, -“Daddy, he did it.” -“No, he did it, Dad.” My daddy whooped both of us. He said, “Both of y’all go downstairs, take your clothes off, and lay on the couch.” We was like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “What Daddy say?” [breathing heavily] “All I heard was lay down there butt-naked or something, on the couch.” “Oh, shit. We shouldn’t have said nothing, man.” We were downstairs, man, my daddy was– Waiting, butt-naked on the couch. Lookin’ at each other, “What the hell we do, man? Why did we say something?” [sobbing] My brother tried to be strong, “Be strong, boy. You hear me, Chris? Don’t let him break you, Chris. Don’t let him break you.” [sobbing] “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” “Cry inside, Chris.” “Okay, okay.” He hit my brother first, he’s like… [popping] My brother said, “Ahhh! Daddy, I’m sorry, Daddy!” I laughed so hard, I didn’t even hurt when he was whooping me. [laughing] “Daddy. Daddy, stop.” We were in the room, like, “What’s all that ‘be strong’ shit? What happened to that, where did that go? Hmm? Where’d that go?” “Daddy hit me hard ’cause I’m older and shit.” “Yeah, right.” Yeah, man. My daddy is somethin’ else, man. It’s a trip though, being the youngest. I’m the youngest of six kids. You learn a lot when you the youngest of six kids. You learn what not to do. ‘Cause I seen my brothers and sisters get whoopin’, and I’d be like, “What’d you do? Why Daddy whoop you like that? God damn. Shit. Daddy tore your ass up, what’d you do?” “I didn’t take out the garbage.” “All that was over garbage? Shit. Damn. Daddy’s serious about the garbage, huh? [exhaling sharply] What day the garbage man come? What day? Tuesday. Okay, I’ll remember that shit. Tuesday.” Being the youngest, you don’t get no college fund. My brothers and sisters messed that all up. I asked my dad about college, he was like, “Shit. You better find something to do. Talk to your brothers and sisters. They had your college fund. They messed it up.” That was okay, though, I didn’t care, shoot. I barely got out of high school. I wasn’t gonna start that shit all over again. I was barely… I barely got out. My teacher kept me back. I said, “What you keepin’ me back for? I don’t wanna see you again and you don’t wanna see me again. Let me go! See what I can do. Let me be all I could be!” I used to get on teachers’ nerves, they used to hate me. They used to get mad. They’d say, “Listen, Chris, if you act up again, I’m gonna call your mama.” I said, “If you gonna call my mama, you gonna have to pay the phone bill, ’cause the phone been cut off for two weeks.” [audience laughing] She’d be pissed off, “Get out of my room! You make me sick! Go to the principal office!” I’d go to the principal’s office, I didn’t care because I was in the principal’s office so much, I was cool with the principal, we were tight. He’d be like, “What’d you do this time? Get in here, get in here. Get in here, close the door. Sit down. What’d you do this time?” -“Call my mama, pay the phone bill.” -“Man, you crazy! You’re a fool, Chris. You’re a fool, boy. You gonna make me suspend your ass. I’m just playing. I’m just playing. We ain’t gonna suspend you. Give me my peanuts.” I used to sell candy. I had the principal hooked on peanuts. He was hooked on salt. He’d be mad if I don’t show up. “Where the hell you was yesterday? Shit. Shit. You got me hooked me on this shit, and you don’t show up for school. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, boy. I can only do so much, Chris. You know I’m playing. Get out of here. Don’t be late, boy. Don’t be late again.” School was fun, man. I found out– I tried to play sports, you know, every guy wanna play sports. I ended up not playing it. I wasn’t that good. I tried to play football, I wasn’t that good. I broke both of my wrists in practice and shit. Ambulance came, they were like, “God, how you do that shit?” I said, “Man, just take me to the doctor. God damn. I don’t know how I did it. Damn! Take me to the hospital! Stop asking all these damn questions! Shit.” I used to play, man, ’cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally. I wanted that jersey ’cause I wanted to run out there. That’s how you get the girls. I used to run out there in the pep rally, I used to run out there. Jersey clean, I ain’t played one game. Coach never let me in a game. I’m up there, I be in the bench talking about the team ’cause we losing, “They sorry as hell. We’d win if he’d put me in the game. Shit.” One time, somebody got hurt. Coach put me in the game. I was like, “What the hell?” He said, -“Tucker, get up here!” -“What the hell he want?” “I want you to go in the game, wide receiver. Somebody got hurt.” “Shit.” I didn’t know none of their plays. I was like, “Shit. Coach, game almost over–” -“Get in the game!” -“What–” I got out there, I ain’t care, I said, “Okay, shit, I’ll go out there.” Quarterback say he’s running with– In the huddle, he said we gonna run, run the ball. They gonna run the ball. I said, “He ain’t gonna throw it to me, so I’m gonna have some fun.” I was good, because I played with my older brothers and sisters. I could fake somebody out in a minute, I was good. Playing street ball. I could… Whoa! I said, “I’m gonna fake them out. I’m gonna get out there.” He hiked the ball, and I faked it. Ah! He fell down. I was like… [whooshes] I was out there, I said, “Oh, shit.” I saw my mama in the stands, I said, “Hey, Mama. I’m going pro. I’ll buy you a house, Mama.” I knew I was cool. He was gonna run the ball. All of a sudden, quarterback threw the ball at me, I was like, “What the fuck are you throwin’ it at me for? Oh, shit, that ain’t the play, God damn, man! He knew I didn’t go to practice last week. Shit.” I was hoping something would happen, like a bird would hit the ball or somethin’, a little rain or somethin’. Ball came, I dropped it, I was like, “Shit.” My whole family was up cheering. Everybody’s like… I dropped the ball, they was like, “That ain’t our brother. Our brother’s number ten. We don’t know who that was. We don’t. Come on, Mama, let’s go. Come on, he gave up on us, we’re gonna give up on him. Shit. Embarrass the Tuckers like that. Let’s get out of here.” Oh. We had fun in school. My daddy one of the daddies, he’d do stuff with us. That’s what he was cool about. He did a lot of stuff with us. But it was cool until he forget we was his kids and shit. One time, he called my sister a bitch, and we was like, “God damn, Daddy!” We was playing cards and she said he didn’t put up. He got mad as hell, “She gonna tell me what I God damn did, shit. I put my money up.” -We was like, “Daddy!” -“I don’t give a damn shit. I knew her when she couldn’t talk or walk. Don’t tell me what I did, God damn it.” My sister was crying. I was like, “It’s gonna be all right.” [crying] She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh. My daddy called me a bitch. Uh-uh.” I said, “Stop it, stop it. It’s okay. He done called everybody something. He called me a punk bitch. Let it go. Now get your head up and get back in the game.” My daddy funny, man. One time he lost his mind playing cards over at my sister’s house. Lost his mind. He was losing a lot of money, and lost his mind. He thought my sister’s roaches was helping her cheat. Boy, it got shit crazy. ‘Cause he kept getting bad hand after bad hand. He just got frustrated. He was dealing and– We didn’t know how much money he lost, but he just got to hallucinating stuff. He would be just shuffling his cards. [mouthing] “Shit.” He’d shuffle them again like his hand gonna change. [audience laughing] “I knew there was some shit going on in here. How long that goddamn roach been on that wall, looking at my goddamn hand? I wanna know who the hell working with this roach.” My friends are all, “God damn. Your daddy crazy as hell. We quit, man. Y’all can have the money. There’s something wrong with your family, man. Y’all gotta work that shit out.” My mama wasn’t like that. My mama was different, my mama was strict. Anybody got a strict mama? My mama told you something, she meant it. One time, my mama told me… I got lost in the mall. My mama didn’t even look for me. She didn’t even look for me. I had to find a security guard to help me look for my mama. I was like, “Come on, man, hurry up, before she leaves. Mama! Mama, where you at? Mama! I’m sorry!” Man, I went everywhere in that mall looking for my mama. My mama wasn’t even in the mall no more. Found my mama in the parking lot backing back. I was like, “There she go. Mama! [sobbing] I’m sorry, Mama.” She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. I thought you had a ride home. The car is too full.” [mimics engine accelerating] [mimics tires screeching] “Mama, I’m only five years old!” “But you think you grown. I told you not to leave my side!” [mimics engine accelerating and tires screeching] “Mama!” I thought she was gonna come back, she left me out there all night long, I’ll tell you something. [sniffles] Wouldn’t nobody even kidnap me. Kidnappers don’t kidnap black kids. We too much trouble. We ask too many questions. We’ll be in the backseat asking questions, we won’t be quiet. We’ll be scared, but we wanna know what’s going on. [breathing shallowly] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Where we going? Mr. Kidnapper? When we gonna eat?” [audience laughing] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Can you put the radio to a black radio station, please?” [audience applauding and laughing] “Maybe a little Babyface, Earth, Wind & Fire or somethin’? I’m getting a little scared, man.” Kidnapper just goes, “Just get the hell out, boy! Get the hell out of the car! Drive me even more crazy, God damn! Do you realize your life is in danger, boy? Get out!” [sputtering] “You kidnapped me, man! You get more money if you keep me alive. Shit.” Yeah, my mama, man, she didn’t play, man. My mama made us go to church. Made us. We hadn’t even sinned yet, we still had to go to church. “All right, get up. You are going to church!” “Mama, can’t the preacher come here sometimes? We always going to him. He can preach on the kitchen table, Mama.” “Get up! You are going to church! Make me sick. Making me late.” She’s always talkin’ bout we making her late. And she ain’t dressed, neither. Walkin’ around with her bra on. “You are making me late! I can’t get dressed fooling around with y’all!” “You can’t get dressed ’cause you ain’t dressed, Mama. You late, too. We’re just a late family.” “Making me sick!” She’d be mad at us every Sunday. She’d fix her some breakfast, she wouldn’t fix us nothin’, she’d be mad at us. We’d be so late she gotta eat it in the car. She’d come to the car with her food. And one time she brought it to the car and gave it to me to hold, but I didn’t hear what she said, and I thought she was giving it to me. And I ate my mama’s breakfast. Man, I ain’t never seen her this mad before. ‘Cause all I heard was, “Here.” I didn’t hear, “Hold this.” I didn’t hear that. And she says, “Get that door! Get the door! You make me sick. Every Sunday, we gotta go through this! Here! Hold that.” And I got it, I was like, “Huh? I thought Mama was mad at us. Well, she said, ‘Here.’ Why’d Mama fix me coffee?” My brother was in the backseat, “Man, what the hell you doing? That’s Mama food.” “Shut up. Can’t stand to see me have nothing. Just like Grandmamma said, ‘Crabs in the bucket. Don’t even have to put a lid on the top.’ Mama fixed this for me! Mad ’cause you ain’t in the front seat. Make me sick.” All of a sudden, my mama said, “Hand me my plate.” “Shut up. Mama, what’d you say?” “Boy, I said, hand me my plate!” “Mama, you mean the plate you gave me?” “Boy, the plate I told you to hold!” “Mama, you said, ‘Here.'” “Boy, I said, ‘Here, hold my plate.'” “Mama… [whimpers] Mama… Mama, you still love me, Mama?” “Boy, what are you talking about?” “You know how sometimes I be doing stupid stuff, Mama?” “Oh, I know you didn’t sit up there and eat my food! You get out of this car and you walk to church. You hear me? You get out and you walk to church! You got enough energy, get out of here!” [sputtering] “Mama, I’m sorry! I left you the biscuit, Mama!” I had to walk all the way to church, y’all. I didn’t care, I was full. I got in the back of the church, my brother was back there. We were back there talking. My brother was like, “You crazy.” I said, “You crazy. Let Mama treat you like that.” My brother’s like, “You gonna go to hell.” I said, “You already living in hell.” We back there talking and my mama friend see us and say… “Uh-uh.” Sister Russell saw us back there talking, she went, “Uh-uh. Back there embarrassing Sister Tucker. They ought to be ashamed of theirselves. Somebody get Sister Tucker. Touch Sister Tucker. Mmm-mmm. Chris back there talking. Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Hey! Mary, look. Mary. Mary, look. Look, Mary.” [mouthing] “He made it to church. I thought somebody was gonna kidnap him, you make me sick! Back there talking! Chris! Chris, shut up! Shut up, boy! You hear me? Shut up!” And I knew she couldn’t get up and move, ’cause it was the middle of the church, so I said, “Mama. You shut up, Mama.” [audience gasps] My mama… “Boy, are you done lost your mind, Chris? Now, I said shut up, boy.” “Mama, I said shut up, lady.” “You wait till after church, you wait till after church, Chris.” “No, Mama, you wait till after church, Mama. You hear me? You wait till after church, Mama! Ain’t gonna fix nobody no breakfast!” “Boy, you done went crazy, boy! -You, you wait–” -“Mama, you wait, you wait.” My mama so mad at me, they thought she was shouting. She mad at me, “Lord, I’m-a get him, Lord, I’m-a get him! He ate my breakfast, Lord, he ate my breakfast!” [chuckles] I love church, man. I love going to church. It’s fun in church. I like to see the people shouting in church. Especially the older ladies shouting in church. You know, the mothers? ‘Cause the mothers, they don’t go to clubs no more, so the only chance they get to dance is in the church. So they be getting down. They be sharp, too. They be having their suits on with the– Shiny, with the pretty hats and they get to shoutin’. They be getting down, they be like, oh… I be like, “Get down, Sister Scott.” Sometimes I go out there with them, “Go ahead, Sister Scott. Go ahead, Sister Scott! You still got it, Sister Scott!” “I know I still got it, boy. You gonna get in trouble, Chris. Your mama looking at you, Chris. Your mama right over there. 1952, doing the romp here, baby. I ain’t lost a step, look at that. Your mama gonna get you, boy. You crazy. I heard you ate her breakfast. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. What is wrong with you?” “How’d you hear about that?” Man, mothers know everything. It’d be scary sometimes in church. You know the people that run around in church scare everybody. They just bust out screaming… [screams] “Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord!” Even the pastor be scared. “Who the hell was that? There’s a demon in the church. Go to my office and get my oil… and a hot rag. I’m gonna get that demon right up out of this church. We not gonna have this in this church. That ain’t one of my members. I know all my members. And ain’t none of them that crazy.” Some preachers be a trip, don’t they? Some preachers be stingy. You ever been to a church, preacher’s stingy? Preacher have a pitcher of lemonade up on his pulpit, and two cups, don’t offer nobody nothing. Talking about, “Can I get an amen, church?” “Hey, man, pass some of that lemonade! You know it’s hot in this church! You know the water fountain don’t work.” -“Who said that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Hot as hell in this church!” “Who the hell in the fifth row?” Church be hot! You don’t care. Church be so hot the flies leave. “We going to a white church. It’s too hot in here. Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. [buzzes] Shit, the window closed. Somebody open the window! Oh, shit, man. We don’t want to be no member no more! Come on, man! Let’s get the hell out of here. Let us go! Y’all, n i g g azz.” [audience laughing] [chuckling] Preacher be moving too fast through the Bible, he don’t care nothing about this. He don’t wait on nobody. “Now, turn to John 45. I’ll wait for you.” You’ll be looking for it. “Hey, is John in the front of the Bible, or the back of the Bible? Hey, is John in the front of the Bible? Something wrong with my Bible, I think it’s broken. God bless you. God is going to bless you. You mean like that.” Soon as you get to John, “Go to Luke 45.” “Pastor, slow down.” -“Who is that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Nobody don’t know the Bible like you.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row?” “I don’t know, some brother.” Then the preacher keep you there all night long. Then got the nerve to say, “I want you all to come back for tonight’s service. It’s gonna be a fine, dandy time tonight.” I’m like, “Man, look outside, it is tonight. Look outside, it is tonight! We done been here all damn day.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row? Get him out of here! Messing up my sermon.” Now I’m a father. I’m a father now, I’m raising my son. -[audience applauding] -Thank you. Kids are free, man. Kids are the only people on Earth that can come and stare you in the face, look at you, and then walk away, don’t say nothing. Kids do it all the time. They just come up to you like this. [audience laughing] They make you feel uncomfortable. “Hey, little kid! What’s wrong with me? Come back here! Stay free, little kid. Stay free, man!” Kids tell you the truth. They’ll tell you if your breath stink, too. They’ll tell you. Kids will tell you, “Your breath stink.” -“What? What you talking about?” -“Your breath stink.” “Don’t talk to me like that.” “Don’t talk to me like that. Your breath stink.” “Your breath stink.” “No, your breath stink. You just say that ’cause your breath stinky.” You don’t know whether to be mad or nice to them. “Thank you. Bad-ass kid.” ‘Cause grown-ups ain’t gonna tell you your breath stink. They just walk around with y’all, they’ll tell everybody else. “Man, you smell his breath? God damn, he smell! Whoo! Shit! Did you smell his breath? [laughs] I gave him some gum, the gum didn’t want to go to him. I was like, ‘Damn.’ I mean, his breath be kicking it. Can smell it over the phone. I’m talkin’ bout, his breath stinks.” I wanna take my son to Africa, though, I wanna take him to Africa. Any of y’all ever been to Africa? Go to Africa. Especially if you’re black, go see your ancestors. I went to Africa, they took me out there, I went out there for a genealogy thing. I went out there to see my ancestors. They took me out there, I did this thing. And they took me out there. They took me way out in this village, on this dirt road, all the way out to this village. They took me, and they showed me and said, “These are your people.” I said, “Don’t none of these people look like me. They done tricked my ass, got me all the way out here in the desert.” I was about to leave, till one of them reminded me of my Uncle John. He was like African Uncle John. He’s like, [in African accent] “Oh, my God, it’s so good you are here, Chris! I am so glad you are here, man. You don’t know how much… we pray for this day, man. I don’t know how the hell we gonna pay for this village, Chris.” I said, “I don’t know how the hell you gonna pay for it neither, man. Well, African Uncle John, I already got an African Uncle John. Now, I brought y’all some Coca-Colas and some shoes and I ain’t giving y’all nothin’ else. Where’s my Jeep? Get me the hell out of this village! Get me out of here!” When you’re a celebrity and you go to Africa, they do special stuff for you. They have people meet you at the airport. They had a big band meet at the airport for me. They had drums, they had signs and stuff. But I was tired ’cause it’s a long way to Africa. I got there, I thought I was gonna get some sleep before everything happened. I got off the plane, I said, “I’m gonna get some sleep.” And they was like, “There he is!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ Chris Tucker Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I’m like, “What the hell is going on? This is so– Mmm-mmm. Hey, man. This is great, man, but I am tired, man. Could we do this a little later?” [in African accent] “No, please. That’s disrespectful, please dance.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I said, “Man, this shit is disrespectful. Man, I am tired. I had a 16-hour flight, man, come on now. Can we do this later, man? Take me to the hotel.” “We are walking to the village. Please follow me.” “What?” “My itinerary said the Radisson, man. I ain’t goin’ to no damn village.” “Please, Mr. Tucker, just follow us, it’s not far. It’s only 200 kilometers…” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Two hundred kilometers! I don’t know how far that is, but that sound far as hell, man! Where the Jeeps at?” “It’s not far, Mr. Tucker, don’t worry. If you get tired, get on my back.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Shit, I’m tired now.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Get my luggage! Get my luggage!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [audience applauding] Thank you! Stuff happens in Africa, though, you don’t see nowhere else on Earth. I saw a cheetah walk through the hotel lobby. I was the only one scared, the Africans weren’t even scared. I’m like, “God damn, there’s a cheetah in here! Look at that goddamn cheetah!” My security guard was behind me, I said, “Get in front of me, shit! Supposed to be protecting me. Anybody gonna get bit, it’s gonna be your ass.” I was scared. The Africans weren’t even scared. They were over there, rubbing it, [in African accent] “Oh, look at the cheetah. Look at this cheetah. What are you doing in this hotel? What are you doing? You don’t belong in here.” Pettin’ it and rubbing it, “What are you doing here? You must go outside.” He opened up his mouth, “Look at his teeth. Look at his teeth. Look at the designs in his mouth. He kill a man one bite, he kill a man one bite.” All of a sudden he slapped the cheetah on the ass to get him out of there. “Get out of here!” [exclaims] I was like, “What the hell is wrong with him?” The cheetah went crazy, he was like… [hisses] [snarls] [snarls] I ran out of that hotel so fast, I was like, “Shit! That cheetah gonna kill us!” And the cheetah was so fast, it ran by me, I was like, “Oh, shit, the cheetah! Get my ass back in the hotel. Close the doors of the hotel! What the hell y’all got the doors open for? You know cheetahs are coming in here and shit.” -“It only happen once a year.” -“That’s enough! Shit! Scared the hell out of me.” Africa is great. I went on some great trips. I went to Africa one time with Bill Clinton. That was fun, we went to, like, three or four countries in Africa, and Clinton was great, man. We had so much fun. We had so many places to go, we started getting bored, sometimes we just started playing games. I started doing impressions of Bill Clinton and he started liking it. He was like, [mimics Bill] “Oh, shit. That sounds just like me. That sounds– Oh, that sounds good, that sounds great. I like that.” He invited me to Africa, man. He invited me, he said, “Tucker, you wanna go to Africa with me? I think you’ll like it. You’re black, I’m black. I think you’ll like it. Come on. It’ll be fun, come on.” So I started doing impressions, man. Everywhere we went, he wanted me to do him. We’re at little parties at night… “Tucker, come, come do me. Come do me. Come on over here.” Every country we went to. Finally, I got tired, we got to Nigeria and he wanted me to do it in front of the president of Nigeria. I was scared. Shit, if I mess it up, they’d put me in jail. I just said, “No, not now.” And he said, “Tucker! Come on, come do me. Come do me. Don’t act like that, come on.” I said, “Mr. President, I’m tired, it’s been a long trip. -Maybe I won’t do it this time.” -“Tucker, come on now, I need you. I set it up now. Come on, don’t let me down. You want a ride home, right, huh? You wanna ride commercial or private? You let me know, Tucker. That’s a long-ass flight home, Tucker, that’s a long flight.” [audience cheering] Clinton got Barack elected! Clinton came out there and said, “I’m telling you right now, I’m going to tell you the truth. You ain’t gonna like this, I’m gonna tell you right now. You won’t be laughing after I say this.” And black people, we love Clinton because Clinton knows how to break it down, we’d just be listening, “God damn!” We’ll be listening like he ain’t supposed to be telling us. “Clinton, you ain’t supposed to be telling that shit. We aren’t supposed to be hearing all this!” “No, I’m going to tell you ’cause you need to know! These Republicans are crazy as hell! They tried to put me out of office. Shit! And the economy was up! They don’t give a damn, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not bullshitting you.” [audience cheering] He said… [giggles] He said, “Now, listen, if you’re black, you should really hear this.” And black people were like, “What? What is it?” “The Republicans are trying to bring back slavery, I swear to God! I’m not lying to you!” He know how to rattle us. “What?” “Vote for Barack, I bullshit you not. Do it. I told ya, I’m going to break it down today. I’m not gonna lie to you.” He did good for Barack. Barack was like, “God damn, that was good. Shit. Bill, that was a good-ass speech. I thought you was running for president, God damn. It was so good. [chuckles] You made it hard for me. How the hell I’m-a follow that, Bill?” [mimicking Bill] “Well, do what you gotta do, bro. I told you I was going to set you up. And that’s what you wanted, that’s what you asked. You wanted four more years, you called on your boy Billy. I’m gonna do it for you. [audience cheering and applauding] I’m gonna hook you up. I’ll do it right here. If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do what I do. I’m not gonna mess around with ya.” Barack was happy as hell. He came out there, “Give me five, yeah. That’s my boy, that’s my boy right here. That’s my dawg, that’s my dawg, right.” But Barack knew he was gonna get back in office when he got Bin Laden. Remember when he got Bin Laden? He knew it! He came out there, man, he was ready! He was in front of the White House lawn, he was ready. He said, “No, no. I got this. I got this. Uh, America, la-di-da-di, we got Bin Laden. Got his ass. We got him. We got him yesterday in Pakistan, 0400 hours, I sent the SEAL team over there to get him. Matter of fact, I went with ’em. And I saw him. I said, ‘Look, there he is, right there, look at him. In the window, fixin’ breakfast and shit, like he ain’t did nothing, look at him.’ I said, ‘Give me the gun. I’ll get him, I’m the president. Shit, I’ll go get him.’ So I went in and busted in there, I said, ‘Bin Laden, la-di-da-di, bitch! [imitating machine gun] Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. Let’s get on the plane. I got some chicken on this plane, come on, let’s go. Let’s get the hell out of here. Thought we forgot. Shit, no.'” Barack couldn’t believe he won the first time, remember he won the first time? He was like, “God damn, I won? Shit! Oh, shit! I was just playing, God damn. What? What the hell? Shit. I was just bullshitting.” -“Mr. President, come this way.” -“Who you talking to?” -“You.” -“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Shit. God damn, I gotta get this in my head. God damn, I was– I just wanted to find something to do, God damn. How am I gettin’ around?” “Air Force One is right over there, sir.” “God damn, I got a plane? Shit! Baby, come look at this shit. Michelle, we got a plane. God damn. Look at this! Sasha, Malia, go sit in captain’s seat. That’s your daddy’s plane. Go on up there. I got a goddamn plane for wherever the hell we wanna go.” I love his walk. Barack even got that little African walk. African-American, African walk. He’ll be walkin’ and drums be going off. [beatboxing] [vocalizing] Barack ain’t gonna put up with reporters yelling out no more, he ain’t gonna put up with that. He was doing the first year, they would say, “Mr. President, you’re a liar!” Barack was like, “Who said that shit? Who said that? Who said that? Come down and slap the hell out of you, who said that shit? Don’t talk to me like that, I’m President of the United States. Shit. I’m from South Side, Chicago. I’ll come down and whoop that ass. Come on, not this term, not this term. I put up with that last term, not this year. Not now. Not no more, I swear. You’re talking to Barry here, God damn it. Barry!” Reporters are a trip, man. These reporters be all over the place, man, they be… White reporters will go anywhere. You never see no black reporters over in these Lebanon and shit, we don’t do that. White reporters will be right over, like Anderson Cooper, all of them be over there. [mimicking Anderson] “We’re right here and there’s a bomb right behind me. It just went off. My ass is hot. I don’t know how the hell… Oh, my Lord. I don’t know why I’m here.” We’ll be on the TV, black people, “What the hell are you doing over there, Anderson? Get your ass out from over there! I don’t wanna see your ass get blown up! Turn the channel, I don’t wanna see this shit.” Black reporters, we don’t be going over there. They be trying to get us over there, we don’t go over there. That lady will be in the newsroom, CNN, and be like, “We’re about to go to Tyrone. We’re going to Tyrone in Libya. Tyrone? What’s going on over there in Libya? Tyrone? Where is he? Where is he, he’s not showing up here. Where is he? Oh, there he is. Tyrone! Hi, Tyrone. What’s going on in Libya?” “I don’t know.” “Tyrone, where are you?” “I’m downstairs in the newsroom.” “Tyrone, aren’t you supposed to be in Libya? How come you’re not there?” “Same reason your ass ain’t there, Kathy!” “Tyrone, you’re gonna get fired for this.” “I don’t give a damn. I quit! Shit! At least I’m alive!” [chuckles] Barack’s the man, man! You know, they try to get him, “Mr. President!” He’s too smart, he went to Harvard, you know he went to Harvard. You couldn’t catch him in nothin’. Barack never answer a question. He always say, “Look.” That’s all he say. He won’t answer the question. He avoid all of ’em, and he say, “And… and…” He’ll do some shit like this with his thumb, I don’t know. I think this means, “I’m-a kick your ass if you keep messing with me. Keep saying some shit like that. Keep saying it. Kick your ass.” He never answers. He always say, “Look.” If the reporter’s like, “Mr. President, what’s going on with the job situation and the gas prices?” “Well… well, see… See, we… [stammers] Well, look, we’re looking into all that. And we’re gonna get to it. We’re gonna… we’re gonna fix it.” And white reporters don’t play that shit. They be like, “Mr. President, what’s this ‘look’ shit? Answer the goddamn question!” “Well, you see, you see what I’m talking about? Y’all see this, right? This is what I’m talking about. We don’t need this in this country and look at this shit– This press conference is over. You don’t talk to me like that. This shit is over. Look at that shit, it’s over. Get up on this thing, let’s go up in this plane, I got some chicken up on this plane. Let’s get the hell out of here. Come on.” He gonna be doin’ what he wanna do now, he ain’t gonna be hidin’ nothin’. Him and Michelle are gonna be fighting in front of the White House lawn, it’s gonna get crazy. [audience applauding] “That’s okay, if she wanna go, let her go. Let her go, if she wanna go, let her go. That’s what she wanna do, let her go. She can’t take my helicopter, though. Tell her take that station wagon she came from Harvard with, take that. Gonna act like that? You know, I got all this stuff on my back. Matter of fact, if you wanna go, Michelle, take your mama. Take your mama with you. Take your mama. Sick of that. Don’t wanna hear it no more. Can’t take my kids, though. Sasha and Malia are staying with me. Wanna smoke a cigarette, I smoke when I want to. Stressed out. Take my helicopter… I need my motorcades and my helicopter. I’m the president, I got shit to do.” You know they be fussing sometime, you know. Barack be rushing her a little bit too much, rushing Michelle onto Air Force One, “Come on, babe, let’s go. I got some chicken on the plane. Let’s get up here. Let’s go.” You know, Michelle come back, “Don’t be rushing me. I don’t work for you. Shit.” Barack come back, “Oh, baby, come on, it ain’t like that, baby. Come on. Why you so mad, baby? What you gonna do? Divorce me? Take half the country? Come on, baby, don’t do that. Take half the White House? Baby, come on, it’s not that serious, don’t do that.” Michelle come back, “Nobody want this broke-ass country.” [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music playing] Good night, Atlanta! I love you, God bless y’all! [audience cheering uproariously] [announcer] Atlanta, Georgia, give it up for your boy, Mr. Chris Tucker! Let him hear it, Atlanta. I am a black Arab. Oh, shit! [men laughing] [inaudible] -Thanks so much. -Pleasure to meet you. Thanks so much. See you guys, man. Here, here! -Where’s Jackie? Where’s Jackie? He’s in Hong Kong. We are all sheikhs. This is Sheikh Terry. He’s so rich, he don’t even know how rich he is. That’s how rich he is. How many oil fields do you have? -I don’t know. -[chuckles] He’s so rich, he don’t like to count his money. This is Tony. He’s so rich, he doesn’t even talk. He doesn’t talk, he’s that rich. He don’t– How rich are you? I’m rich, too. I have to admit. But not like these guys. Okay, okay, I am. I own these guys. You see my Nikes. I love Americans. Some stuff American, some stuff. Abu Dhabi desert, baby! [speaking imitation Arabic] [singing in imitation Arabic] That camel said, “God damn! Who the hell is on my back?” He said, “Who? Who had those church shoes on, on my back? Look at his shoes.” [men laughing] Bond. James Bond. I’m Sheikh Tucker. With my Nikes on. Sheikh Tucker wears Nikes. ♪ We’re gettin’ Arab money Sheikh, Sheikh Tucker ♪ You ready? We’re ready. You ready? Okay! You don’t talk! I’m ready. He’s not supposed to talk! He talked! I can’t believe he talked! He must be excited. Let’s go. [men laughing] Taking advantage of every moment. Every minute. Every hour. Money is not everything. Money do not bring you happiness. It only brings you trouble. Oh, shit! God damn, he’s tall! Singapore! Singapore! Whoo-hoo! [indistinct chatter] [woman giggling] Whoo-hoo! [Chris in Australian accent] Here in Australia! Down under! Come with me again… ♪ To the land down under ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill (1999) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-dress-kill-1999-full-transcript/

‘San Francisco. ‘Town city of gleaming spires. People live here. ‘Golden Gate Bridge. ‘The Romans came here. They built buildings with things. ‘Ducks. Cows. Cows who look weird. ‘And convicts.’ (# Spooky modern jazz) ‘Criminal element. San Francisco is no exception. ‘Criminals who look quite ordinary ‘but are more criminal than you could ever guess. ‘I’m taken in their prison transportation, down, down, ‘towards Alcatraz. ‘Once a Native American paradise, ‘where people worshipped the gods of the Native Americans. ‘But now a prison, as the guard tightens the chains ‘and signals to the people and prison wardens of Alcatraz – ‘prisoners coming, prisoners coming! ‘The torture gear there. He tightens the chains ‘as the man in the back says, “No more drugs for you. ‘”You can’t afford any till Tuesday.” ‘Yes, drugs are rife. ‘Everyone here is in for a big old crime. ‘The woman in red, she’s in for stealing hubcaps. ‘What a hellish crime! ‘She will never see her family again. They’ve been sent somewhere. ‘But they try to keep their spirits up. ‘Gallows humor, yes, it happens in all prisons. Alcatraz. ‘As the FBI agent takes photos of likely troublemakers, ‘the guard signals again – “for God’s sake, prisoners coming!” ‘Coming now. Prisoners. ‘Prisoners coming, coming, coming through. Pris… Pris… ‘People holding on to bananas as more drugs money is exchanged ‘for favors and drugs, mainly. ‘The FBI woman takes a close-up photo of somebody’s kneecaps. ‘How tight can chains be pulled, for God’s sake? Alcatraz.’ I started here in ’65 and I got 30 years plus a few months. ln 30 years I’ve found out people from everywhere are all the same. ‘Freddie Dingo there, a few wise words from him. ‘FBI agent looks on as the woman in red stares – in terror. ‘The prisoners are led off, off to Alcatraz ‘as special FBI agents check the prison transportation vehicle ‘to make sure no one has Sellotaped themselves to the ceiling ‘or hidden underneath, disguised as a wheel. ‘Freddie and Jeff Stinger here, famous bank robbers, ‘being taken to Alcatraz at the end of their life. ‘Alcatraz. In the sun, it’s almost pretty. It’s got a lighthouse. ‘And a big thing at the back that looks like a monster. ‘But no, it’s Alcatraz. ‘Once an island paradise, now a penitentiary. ‘Tonight’s show is brought to you by the prisoners of Alcatraz.’ (Cheering and applause) In heels, as well. Yeah. Yes, I’m a professional transvestite so I can run about in heels and not fall over. If women fall over in heels, that’s embarrassing but if a bloke falls over in heels, you have to kill yourself. End of your life. It’s quite difficult. So, San Francisco. # San Francisco, San Francisco! ? Not San Fran, no, apparently not. I didn’t know, I would’ve said San Fran but you’d go, “We don’t like San Fran. Fuck it.” Or what’s the other one? Frisco, you don’t like that, either. (Audience hissing) And you’re a city of snakes, I see. (Hisses) Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. No other cities have snakes as much as you. New York, no fucking snakes. Paris, London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of fucking snakes! (Hisses) We did that at school. So you can call it “the City”. The City. OK, and you don’t tell tourists about, er.. the weather in July and August. You don’t fucking tell anyone. They’re all going round in summer shirts going, “Jesus Christ. “I can’t see! I can’t see! “Fog, there’s fog!” And it really shifts it, your fog. I saw John Carpenter’s film The Fog and that fog shifts it. I thought, “That’s Hollywood – fog moving fast.” But your fog is that speed. Busy, busy, busy. It could be late to get in someone’s face somewhere. It runs down the road, doesn’t it? Boom! Whoosh! Nyyyaoum! Faster than the fucking taxis! Of which there are five. (Laughter, cheering and applause) I don’t know what that’s about. You’re a no-taxi city, aren’t you? Five taxis, all going, “I got people in.” Hours. Nyyyaaaoum, nyaaoum, nyaoum. Nyaowww, nyaowww, rrrowwww. Then when you get in, they don’t know where they’re going. I had to tell the guy, “Get in the back, I’ll drive.” He’s sitting in the back going, “I don’t know. “I’ve only lived here four million years.” Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare. The guy in the front, no steering wheel, going, “What the fuck? “What the fuck’s this one?” Pulling levers, levers. Is it four levers that just do fuck all? He’s always ringing that bell, going, “Help! Help!” Ding-ding-ding! Endless bell-ringing. What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bells. Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It’s the same bell. (Quiet chuckling) Never link those two together again. (Big laugh) So, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes. I say that and people go, “Oh, yeah, yeah.” I was going to be in the army. Cos if you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. It’s not drag queen. Gay men have got that covered. And this is male tomboy. People get that mixed up. They put transvestite there. No! Bit of a crowbar separation, thank you. Gay men I think would agree. It’s male lesbian. That’s really where it is. Because… It’s true, most transvestites fancy women, that’s where it is. Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on make-up when you’re up there, that’s where it is. I used to keep all my make-up in a squirrel hole up the tree. The squirrel would keep make-up on one side, nuts on the other. Sometimes that squirrel would be covered in make-up. “# La-la, la-laaa… ? “Oh, ooh! “What? “Fuck off.” He seemed to say. Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands. Occasionally they stop and go… As if they’re going, “Did I leave the gas on? “No, I’m a fucking squirrel.” And occasionally they go, “Fucking nuts! “I’m fed up with them, always. I long for a grapefruit.” Yeah. So that’s very much like the army. And, erm… (Laughter) The running, jumping, climbing trees, not the squirrel bit. And I was into a lot of the army stuff – running, jumping, standing still, “found you!”, flag, hat. Bang! I liked all that stuff. I liked blowing up milk bottles. Kill the milk bottles, explode them, yes. It seemed fun, it was a thing of power. There’s all this National Rifle Association here. 13-year-olds get hold of weapons from their grandfather’s arsenal. “I’ll borrow the Howitzer, the M-16 machine gun, the Uzi…” What the fuck’s the grandfather doing? This kid in Arkansas helped himself to a ton of military weapons and went and blew away his school. The NRA says that guns don’t kill people, people do. But I think the gun helps. I think it helps. Standing there going, “Bang!” That’s not gonna kill too many people, is it? He’d have to be really dodgy on the heart… Bang! Bang! Boom! Bang! Rat-a-tat! Boom! Bang! I think they should just try that. But shooting clay pigeons, yeah, go for that. Clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whizz through… Fffoooh! Fffoooh! They do nothing, they don’t even eat flies. Spiders eat flies so they’re all right, keep them. Flies don’t eat fuck all so kill them. Clay pigeons get shot in the air. Wait till they land! Then go up to the clay pigeon… Much easier. Yeah. So I didn’t join the army, as you might have noticed. And, er… Yeah. Cos there’s not much make-up in the army. They only have that night-time look and that’s a bit slapdash. And they look a mess. You can’t join. Even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, if you’re a bloke wearing a lot of make-up, they don’t need to ask. So you can’t join. They go, “No, it’s the wrong shade of lipstick for the army.” They’re missing a huge opportunity, because one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. So what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing. The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic make-up and a fantastic gun. The opposing force is going, “Fucking hell, look at these guys. “Look at that. “They’ve got guns! Jesus, where’s my gun? “Ah, bugger. “I was so surprised. Were you surprised?” Anyway. So yes, so… # Do-doo do-doo do-doo, bom-bom ? And transvestites get lumped into that weirdo grouping. There was a guy in the Bronx when I was in New York, he was living in a cave, like you do, and he was coming out and shooting at geese, a lot of weird things going on with him. ln his cave, the police found a collection of women’s shoes. They said, “He’s a transvestite.” But he’s a weirdo transvestite. I’m much more in the executive transvestite area. We travel the world, it’s more executive. J Edgar Hoover, what a fuckhead he was. They found out he was a transvestite and they go, “That explains his weird behavior.” Yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite. Executive transvestite. It’s a wider community, more wide than you’d think. Yes. And, erm… I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Oh, yes. You tear your history down, man. “It’s 30 years old, let’s smash it and put a car park here.” I have seen it in stories. I saw a program on something in Miami. “We’ve redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago.” People are going, “No, surely not! No! “No one was alive then.” We’ve got tons of history lying about. Big old castles. They just get in the way. “There’s a fucking castle, l’ll have to drive around.” Disney came over and built Euro Disney. They built the Disney castle there. Everyone was like, “Make it bigger, they’ve actually got them here. “And they’re not made of plastic.” We’ve got tons of them. You think we all live in castles and we do. We’ve got a castle each. We’re up to here with castles. We just long for a bungalow or something. I grew up in the ’70s. The careers advisor used to come to school. He’d tell the kids, “I advise you to get a career, what can I say?” He took me aside and said, “Tell me your dreams.” “I want to be an astronaut, discover new things.” He said, “Look, you’re British, so scale it down a bit.” “All right, I want to work in a shoe shop, then. “Discover shoes that no one’s ever discovered in the back of the shop.” “Look, you’re British, so scale it down a bit.” “All right, I want to work in a sewer, then. “And discover sewage no one’s ever discovered “and pile it on my head, surface and sell myself to an art gallery.” He said, “What the fuck have you been smoking? “You certainly haven’t been smoking in a bar in California.” Cos you can’t! No smoking in bars now and soon, no drinking and no talking. (Cheering and applause) Be careful, California. You’re supposed to be the crazy state. In future you’ll say, “Come down the library, we’ll have a wild time.” “I don’t know where that fucking book is, it could be anywhere. “There’s a lot of them about.” Yeah, so… So yes, so, er… There was a spirit of ex-empire, that things can’t be done. ln America, I felt there was a spirit of “can be done”. “Go, do it! What do you want to do?” “I want to put babies on spikes.” “Go, then! “Go, what a wonderful idea. It’s the American Dream!” “Hi, I’m crazy Eddie. “I put babies on spikes. “Do you want a rack of babies? We’ve got babies on racks. “Mmmm… “They taste of chicken.” They do! Babies taste of chicken. Cannibals say human flesh tastes of chicken so babies must too. And chickens taste of humans. (Nervous laughter) Good. I’m glad you’re coming with me on that. Yes, so, erm… This is all true. And, erm… So, yeah. So everyone had empires in Europe. France and Spain and Britain. Turkey, the Ottoman Empire, full of furniture, for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard. The Germans, very organized, always built an empire. Eins, zwei, eins, zwei. Very Prussian. Then they’d celebrate with a World War, then lose the whole fucking empire by the end of the war. The ’30s. Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War, Russian front not a good idea. Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. In Risk, you could never keep Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it. Seven extra men in every go but you couldn’t fucking hold it. Australasia was the one. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and up. And Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. So that’s fun. I think that’s funny. Cos he was a mass-murdering fuckhead. And that was his honeymoon as well. Double trouble. “Eva, let’s marry.” “Where should we honeymoon?” “In a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. I’ve already arranged it.” “Oh, how romantic, Adolf.” “Yes, I thought.” Fun. What a bastard. He was a vegetarian and a painter. He must’ve said, “I can’t get ze fucking trees… “Damn! I will kill everyone in the world!” He was a mass-murdering fuckhead, as many historians have said. And, erm… But others got away with it. Stalin killed many millions. Died in his bed. Well done there. Pol Pot killed 1 .7 million Cambodians. Died under house arrest, age 72. Well done, indeed. They got away with it because they killed their own people. We’re sort of fine with that. “Oh, help yourself. “We’ve been trying to kill you for ages, so kill your own people.” Seems to be. Hitler killed people next door. Ohhh. Stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we? Pol Pot killed 1 .7 million people. We can’t even deal with that. If somebody kills someone, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick. 20 people, they look through a hospital window at you forever. Over that, we can’t deal with it. Someone who’s killed 100,000 people, we’re almost going, “Well done. “You killed 100,000? You must get up very early in the morning. “I can’t even get down the gym! “Your diary must look odd. ‘Get up in the morning, death, death, death, ‘”lunch… ‘”death, death, death, afternoon tea, death… ‘”quick shower…”‘ So I suppose we’re glad that Pol Pot’s under house arrest. 1 .7 million people, at least we know where he is. Just don’t go in that fucking house. I know people who’d love to be under house arrest. They bring you your food. “Just stay here? All right.” (Hums laconically) “Have you got any videos?” You just sit there all day. Pol Pot was a history teacher and Hitler was a vegetarian painter. Mass murderers come from the areas you least expect it. I don’t know how the flip comes over but it happens. So we built up empires. We stole countries, that’s how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. You sail round the world and stick a flag in them. “I claim lndia for Britain!” They’re going, “You can’t claim us, we live here. 500 million of us.” “Do you have a flag?” “We don’t need a bloody flag. It’s our country, you bastard.” “No flag, no country, you can’t have one. “That’s the rules that I’ve just made up. “And I’m backing it up with this gun that was lent from the NRA.” That was it. Queen Victoria became Empress of lndia. She never even went there. She was one of our more frumpy queens. They’re all frumpy, aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousins marry. Bottom of the gene pool, you’re scraping the barrel. “I haven’t got enough for any more of you royals, sorry.” First rule of genetics, spread the genes apart. But the royals are obsessed. “Are you royal? “Then you can marry me and our lQs will go down the toilet.” Fantastic. That’s why there’s no crazy royals. “Hello, what do you do? You’re a plumber? What on earth is that?” So, yeah. After the Second World War, that’s when the empires dissolved. We came first in the war but we were financially fucked by the end. Cos for a time it was just us and the Nazis. They’d been making weapons for ages. We were going, “Get the tanks out!” “We haven’t got any.” “Get that ice cream van out, then.” “Kill!” “All right, oh, fuck it. “Fuck off.” “Everything! Just throw everything at them! “Orange Fruities and Zooms, throw the Zooms! “Fuck off, you bastard! “Pots and pans! Throw the pots and pans at them!” By the time America came in – you were watching a US cavalry film. The US cavalry always comes in towards the end of the film. “OK, let’s go, America.” (Sings fanfare) “I love the smell of Europe in the morning. How are you?” We were going, “Fucking hell, where’ve you been?” “Having breakfast. “So, what’s going on?” America did well. Russia did well, and deservedly so. Half a million American and British soldiers died and about 26 million Russian soldiers and civilians died. That’s 50 times as many. It’s unbelievable. And no one mentions this. These are figures I discovered. Napoleon had been steaming in 100 years before – “I’m gonna kill them! “Ooh, it’s a bit cold! “Right. OK, bad idea.” And then Hitler – “I’ve got a better idea! “Oh, it’s the same idea.” No wonder they set up the Eastern bloc, for a buffer zone. So that’s where they’re coming from. About 20 million Nazi Germans died but they did start it. And, er… Yeah. So it was that. And Southern France collaborated with the Germans, embarrassing, so since then they’ve been kind of spiky and kind of French. I’m very positive on the French. My family way back was French. I go with it but they are kind of fucking French at times. “All of Europe, you must do this.” “Well, we’re not gonna. “We’re gonna have a sandwich.” And Germany and Japan seem to have a natural instinct in a very generalized way, for organization and being military but there’s a strong Green Party there, kids with beards, it’s OK. And, er… I think Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in whenever something breaks out. “Look, we’ve done the killing before, take it from us, “just chill…chill out, all right?” They organize peace really quickly. “Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized.” It’d be brilliant. That’s their destiny, man. Yeah. Italy invented Fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, “We’re all Fascists.” But most Italian people are always on scooters going, “Ciao.” They’re into football and life and they’re not Fascists. “We’re all Fascists.” “All right. Ciao.” No helmet on. Those ’50s films like Roman Holiday, it’s like that. Everyone’s cool. After World War ll the world said, “Europe, give these countries back. “Let’s give them back. Britain?” “What?” “What’s that behind your back?” “India and some other countries.” “Give them back.” “Oh, all right. “There’s that one and that one.” “Falkland Islands.” “Oh, we need the Falkland lslands “for strategic sheep purposes.” And then it was a case of no empire, no longer. But in America, it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16… (Mumbles) They left from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth. How lucky is that? “Is this Plymouth? We’ve just come from Plymouth. “We’ve gone round in a circle, lads, back on the boats.” They said, “This is where our God has brought us to. “We can practice our religion, raise a family. “There’s nobody here. Excuse me. “Nobody here. Yes, a land empty of human existence. “Who the fuck are these guys? “What’s all this, please? “No, we don’t want any of your food, thank you very much. “Just put some clothes on.” Meanwhile, that winter… “Excuse me, do you have any food? “I love all this, lovely idea.” (Laughs nervously) “I’m sorry we were a bit brusque when we first arrived. “We didn’t realize you owned the entire country. “But you have no system of ownership? Mm. Interesting. “That’ll be useful later. Food, thank you very much. “There’s more of us coming but we’ll keep our promises.” So the government lied to the Native Americans for many years. Then President Clinton lied about a lover and everyone was surprised. A little naïve, I feel. As kids we lied our heads off. “I didn’t do it. I was dead at the time. “I was on the moon. With Steve.” Your dad’s going, “I haven’t accused you yet.” “Oh, all right. What…what’s… what’s the ques…? l… What?” “Did you brush your teeth?” “No. Yes. What’s correct? “I was dead at the time.” Then when you’re more mature, you start telling the truth. “I’ve broken a glass. Is it expensive? “I’ll pay for that. I’m sorry.” You do that so people might go, “What a strong personality. “I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.” “I broke other things, I smashed that. “That’s gone and I’ve just thrown the cat out the window.” Ooh, yeah. So perjury. But if you commit perjury, I don’t care. You have Murder One, Murder Two. There can be a difference in the level of murder. So perjury’s the same. Perjury One is saying there was no Holocaust when millions died in it. Perjury Nine is when you said you shagged someone when you didn’t. Swing with it. (Hums) So, yeah, so… ln America the Native American situation and slavery didn’t do very well. ln Europe we’ve got a new thing, the European Union. 500 million people, 200 languages, no one’s got a clue what they’re saying to each other. It’s the cutting edge of politics in an extraordinarily boring way. We’ve got 15 different countries in the European Union. And trying to get them to decide anything is a bit… “Back up. Oh, you’re… I’m with… You’re with him?” For 18 years we had a right-wing government in Britain and their policy towards Europe was, “No! No! No! I can’t…. “# La la-la-la-la-la-la laa-laa la-la-la ?” Now our government is much more, “Bonjour! Hola! Takk! Da!” (Imitates banjo playing) Brrrrmmm…. “Ciao!” Britain needs to be in the driving seat of Europe. Or in the passenger seat, that’s OK. Then you can sleep for a bit. “Are we there yet?” At the moment, Britain isn’t even in the European car. We’re at the traffic lights, going, “We’re gonna clean your windows.” Yes. And we had the pagans in Britain. You didn’t really have pagans, you had the Native Americans and it was more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence. The pagans were into sex, death and religion in an interesting, night-time telly type of way. And the druids! Long robes, long beards, early transvestites, didn’t get their shaving together. They built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one’s built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fuck a henge is. Before Stonehenge there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge. But, er… But a big, bad wolf came and blew them down and three little piggies were relocated to the projects. But they built Stonehenge in an area called Salisbury Plain in the south of England. And Salisbury Plain where they built it is very… (Eerie chanting) # Ooooooh-ohhhh-oooooh ? It’s a mystical thing, build it in a mystical area. You don’t wanna build it in an area that’s – ? Ya-ta-da-dah! # Hup-doo-doo-doo, dup-dee-doo-doo! ? There you build Trump Tower. Erm… And the stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep and other measurements as well! And the stones are not from round there. Remember, this is BC…ers-ders-thfm. This is before the BC-AD changeover when everyone was going, “Is it AD yet?” You didn’t wind your watch back, you had to get a new watch. “Oh, it’s AD, is it? Fucking hell.” And the Muslim people going, “AD? Who’s he?” (Man laughing heartily) Yes. Good laugh there. The stones are from 200 miles away, in Wales. These guys were carving the rocks out of a very living mountain. (Welsh accent) “Fantastic! Building a henge, are we? Fantastic. “Marvelous religion the druids have got, “a lot of white clothing, I like that.” They’d smash out a huge stone, put tree trunks down to roll it on. “Walk it along, here we go.” Boom! “Help you push them along? All right. It’s not far, is it?” And the druids going, “Heave, everyone! “Well done, everyone, you’re doing very well. “You’ll love it when you see it, I’ve seen some of the drawings.” After 200 miles – “You bastards! You never told us 200 miles! “200 miles in this day and age? I don’t even know where I live now! “I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here.” They set the stones up and the druids are tinkering. “That stone and this one, can we swap them round?” Then came the Romans with their gods that they’d borrowed from the Greeks. They conquered Greece and stole their gods and renamed them with Roman names. The Roman gods before were crap. Geoff, the god of biscuits. And Simon, the god of hairdos. They had the god of war, the god of thunder, the god of running around and jumping. “Let’s get some of those! Thank God, cos we had crap gods.” Yes. The emperor Fabulus put that into operation. There should’ve been an Emperor Fabulus. “I am the Emperor Fabulus!” “Oh, yes, so you are.” “And my son, Fabulus II. “And him…really interesting guy.” So, yeah. And the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol and everything he stood for. Then Henry III came along, a big hairy king. Erm… And, er… He said to the Pope, “Mr Pope, I’m going to marry my first wife, then divorce her. “I know what you’re gonna say but stick with me, it gets better. “I’m gonna marry my second wife and cut her head off! “Not expecting that, are you? “Third wife, shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. “Fifth into space. Sixth on a Rotissomat. “Seventh made out of jam. Eighth wife…” And the Pope’s going, (Italian accent) “You crazy bugger! “What are you, a Mormon? You can’t marry all these people! “That’s illegal. “You can’t do this. I’m head of the Church… “Ciao. “I have to keep up standards. “What have you been reading, the Gospel according to St Bastard?” So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film… (imitates Connery) “Then I will set up a new religion in this country. “I will set up a religion, the Psychotic Bastard religion.” And an advisor said, “Why not call it Church of England?” “Church of England, actually. Much better. “Even though I am Scottish myself.” That’s the birth of Church of England, the Anglican church. Disgusting. That’s no basis to start a religion on. Nothing to do with the Protestant church. Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and stole all the money off the monasteries. Rape and pillage. The Protestant faith started around a similar time. That was about Martin Luther, a German, who pinned a note on a church, saying, “Hang on a minute!” But in German, so, “Ein Minuten, bitte. “Ich habe einen kleinen problemo avec diese Religione.” He was from everywhere. So, yeah. The Protestant faith was tacked on by Elizabeth I a bit later. “Oh, some principles, thank God.” Now Church of England is more, “How are you?” More of a hobby type – “Hellooo.” Lots of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. (Chuckles) “Yes, that’s what I thought. “Do come in, you’re the only one today. “Now, the sermon today is from a magazine that I found… “that I found in a hedge. “Now, lipstick colors this season “are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match. “And, er…this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus. “Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey “he must have got tarted up a bit. “We will now sing hymn 405, “O God, What On Earth Is My Hairdo All About?” (Drearily) ? O God, what on earth is my hai-airdo… ? There’s something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The gospel singers are the only ones that go crazy. It’s amazing, and it’s borne out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that, and this joyous singing. And the Church of England, all the Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people with power and money, enough to make Solomon blush, they’re all singing… (Dirge-like) # O God, our help in ages past # Our hope for years to… ? They’re the only people that can sing hallelujah without feeling. # Haaallelujah # Haaaalleeelujah # Joyfully we… # Lark abooouuut ? (Applause) And… (Applause continues) No, it’s… It’s just not kicking, is it? God must be up there going, “What on earth is that?” God, who is James Mason, “What on earth is that, Jesus? “Jesus Christ, what on earth is that?” “Don’t take my name in vain, Dad.” “Jeezy Chreezy, what on earth is that?” “Don’t call me Jeezy Chreezy either. “I went down, told them to hang out, drink wine, “they split into groups – Catholics, Protestants, “Jesuits, Methodists, Evangelicals, Free Presbyterians, “the Locked-Up Presbyterians. “The Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers. “The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we’ve had it checked out.” “What does the Holy Ghost think of all this?” “He’s useless, got a sheet over his head.” “Whoooo…Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost! “Holy Gho-o-o-ost!” “Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby-Doo.” “I would’ve succeeded if it wasn’t for that pesky God and Jesus.” Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters, two of the most major characters in American literature. I think it’s fantastic, because they are cowardly characters. They believe in cowardice and sandwiches. Can you think of any in the realm of English-speaking literature, cowardly characters that you identify with? You’re with them all the way – “Go, Shaggy! Go, Scooby!” The rest of the guys who drive the van? “Fuck off.” Scrappy-Doo – a Magnum. Boom! “Thank you, Grandad.” (Delayed laughter) Well remembered. If you can think of any other character, I’m willing to learn. Somebody said Falstaff, a Shakespearean character. It’s that level of greatness. Falstaff you sort of identify with but he’s melancholy. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time. “Rrroh, rroh, Shaggy, Scooby Snack! Rrroww-wow-wow!!” You love them, you’re with them. There’s part of us that’s Shaggy and Scooby at every stage. So if you travel round the world – your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time – two tricks. One, say you’re Canadian. That helps. It works in Europe, it’s very good. The second is say, “Shaggy and Scooby.” They go, “Shaggy and Scooby?” International credit card. So, yeah. So the pagan religion, it was this earthy thing. But Christianity is split into many areas. Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone – ? Boom-boom boom-boom “Row, you bastards!” Original sin – what a hellish idea. “Father, bless me, for I have sinned. “I did an original sin, I poked a badger with a spoon.” “I’ve never heard of that one before. “Five Hail Marys and two Hello Dollys.” “All right.” “Bless me, for I slept with my neighbor’s wife.” “Heard it. “I want an original sin.” “Oh, I’m terribly sorry.” Anglicans don’t have that. “Vicar, I’ve done many bad things.” “Well, so have l.” “What shall I do?” “Drink five bloody marys and you won’t remember.” Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time, you can’t get really headstrong about it. Like the Islamic jihads we hear about. We get scared. We assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There’s a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, remember this. We assume every day three jihads are issued by every individual. It seems they’re everywhere. “The fruit shop short-changed me. A fucking jihad on them.” Bump into someone. “Hey! Fucking jihad on you!” “How many jihads is that, Dad?” “24. I can’t keep up with them.” I don’t think that’s happening. You can’t do that in Church of England. “You must have tea and cake with the Vicar or you die!” The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk!” “But it hurts.” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you?” That’s what it would be, tea and cake or death. “Tea and cake or death! “Tea and cake or death!” Students with beards. “Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!” Cake or death, that’s easy. Anyone can answer that. “Cake or death?” “Cake, please.” “Very well! Give him cake.” “Thanks very much. It’s very nice.” “You. Cake or death?” “Cake for me, too, please.” “Very well. Give him cake, too. “We’re gonna run out of cake at this rate. “You. Cake or death?” “Death, please. No, cake, cake, sorry.” “You said death first. Death first.” “No, I meant cake.” “Oh, all right. “You’re lucky I’m Church of England. “Cake or death?” “Cake, please.” “We’re out of cake! “We only had three bits and we didn’t expect such a rush. “So what do you want?” “So my choice is ‘or death’? “I’ll have the chicken, then.” “Tastes of human, sir. “Would you like a white wine? There we go. “Thank you for flying Church of England. Cake or death?” “I asked for the vegetarian.” “There we go, Mr. Hitler. “Like a little wine? Thank you, you Nazi shithead.” So, yes. The pagans had big festivals on Easter and Christmas. Christians had big festivals at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. Hm-hm-hm-hmm? Cos…Jesus I do think did exist. He was a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi area, the Nelson Mandela area – relaxed and groovy. The Romans thought, “Relaxed and groovy? No.” So they murdered him. Kids eat chocolate eggs because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross… Well, you tell me. It’s got nothing to do with it, has it? People are going, “Remember kids, Jesus died for your sins.” “Yeah, I know, it’s great.” “No, it’s bad.” “It’s bad. It’s terrible. “Whatever you want. Just keep giving me these eggs.” And the bunny rabbits, where do they come into the Crucifixion? There were no rabbits going, “You putting crosses in our warrens? “We live below this hill, all right?” Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It’s the spring festival. Christmas time, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket. “Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus. What would you like for Christmas?” “Peace on earth and goodwill towards men.” “What about a clockwork train?” “Yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don’t care.” The Christmas fir tree? There’s none of them in Nazareth. The partridge in a pear tree song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren’t there going # And a partridge in a pear tree… # Five go-o-old rings! “Come on, loosen up, Judas.” “Oh, all right.” # On the seventh day of Christmas… “Judy, come on, loosen up.” “Don’t call me Judy. I’ve told you.” “Ooooh!” “Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I’m a bit short. Ahhh!” “Right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci’s painting the picture, “everyone get your positions, here we go.” “Jesus, why the big arms thing?” “I just thought l’d do a big arms thing.” “I’ll do a big arms thing as well.” “Me, too. I quite like the big arms.” “Look, we can’t all do big arms! “We’ll look like a squadron of Spitfires. “I’ll do big arms and you look at me and go, ‘Ooh, he’s doing big arms.’ “Leonardo, have you got that one? Now, a fun one as well.” That partridge song, the only bit we like of it is… # Five gold rings! ? People go berserk at that point, running in from other rooms. # Five go-o-old riiiiings! ? You know. The rest of it we don’t know. Above that it’s ? Twelve…monkeys mating, eleven…donkeys dancing # Ten pygmies…farming, nine socks a-swimming… # Five gold rings! ? This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. The American national anthem I notice is a bit hazy in the middle. You start and finish strong but the middle’s a bit… # And fish in the sky # And a…m…big monkey pie… I’ve seen guys up there halfway through, losing it. “What the fuck is it?” “I came second, I’m from Turkey, I don’t know. “Do you want some furniture?” In Britain, we don’t win many Olympic gold medals. Because we’ve chosen not to. It’s a political statement. Because we hate our national anthem. Cos it’s God Save The Queen. The Queen lives in a big house with barbed wire and people with guns. That’s one saved fucking Queen. She’s overly saved, she has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work, raise a family. We don’t have nannies. It’s what you gotta do in your life. God Save The Queen, no. God Attack The Queen, that’s what it should be. # God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her, that bite her bum # Let them chase after her and rip her knickers off… ? That’d be fantastic. She’d have to fight the dog with a handbag with a brick inside. “Crazy dog!” “Rrrargh! Kill the Queen.” “No, crazy dog!” Maybe she’d kill the crazy dog and everyone in Britain would go, “Fair play to the Queen.” The Queen would have self-respect for the first time in her life. Yes. lt would work. It would be fantabulous. But in America you do win the gold medal. You stand there, hand on the hearts. Only you and the Roman Empire have ever done that so be very careful. You are the new Roman Empire, you realize that. There’s no one else going. The other big power is China but they’re a bit of a “Ah… Oh…” kind of thing. A thousand million but they’re all just getting ready. You’re the Roman Empire so you’ve got vomitariums and orgies ahead. Let the President lead the way. Cos no one cares in America and… I don’t know. ln Europe we’re just watching you, going, “What are you doing?” ln France they wouldn’t care and in Britain they would get shot. If the Prime Minister had done something everyone would go… (Clears throat, mumbles sheepishly) “Can the government comment on the recent affair?” “The government would like to say… (Coughs, mumbles sheepishly)” “Thank you.” You do sing the national anthem and I’ve worked out how to do it if you’re lost in the middle. The Tannoy systems at big stadiums, it doesn’t matter. All that people care about is the look. 70 per cent of what people react to is the look. 20 per cent is how you sound, 10 per cent is what you say. So if you look and sound good – # Baaah wair sa fahhh! # La-la… ? Big mouth. The eyes. # Ah-sarrr! Fah shirrr… ? Use the hand. # Oh sharr… # La-la shar la la laaaa # Da da-da, da-da shar-harrrr # Daaa da… ? Keep confirming and denying things. # Raaa da-da duppa shar-la… ? Everyone will go wild! (Cheering and applause) Erm… (Squeaks) Er… Oh, yeah! I’m a… I’m an action transvestite, really. You know, erm… As well as being an executive transvestite. Cos it’s running, jumping, climbing trees. I went snowboarding in Aspen and you look cool when you snowboard. You cannot but look cool because you’re nailed to a plank of wood. As long as you’re vertical, you’re going, “Hey, yeah.” (Whooshing) Skiing you can be kind of, “Whooaah… Clunk. Ooooh.” There’s a lot of that stuff. But this is just… (Purring engine) There’s only two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool. The second is dead! Pow! I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60,000 miles an hour. You have no idea. The police never pull you over. They never go… (Siren wailing, whooshing) “Oh, fucking hell.” The police need to walk up to you in that condescending way. “OK, what do you think you’re doing?” They can’t do that on a snowboard cos they have to go… “Your tail light’s out and, er… “you’ve go no knees.” So that didn’t happen. I was going fast, and I fell and smashed my head. My head was fine but my neck went, “Oh, no. No, thank you.” So I had to see a chiropractor in New York. They’re different to osteopaths because of the spelling. And, er… They’re both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board. “Chiropractor. Yeah, chiropractor. “93 letters. Chiropractor.” And they…they crack your bones. They take X-rays but it’s pointless. Cos whatever’s wrong – “I’m gonna crack your bones. “Diphtheria. I’m gonna crack your bones. “Your head’s come off. I’m gonna crack your bones. “lt looks like your mother…” When they crack your bones it goes, “Urgh!” and then, “Arrhhh.” but not sort of, “Ahhh…” but sort of, “Arrrgh!” All the way up your spine. “Crack your bones.” They arrange you into a nice, comfortable… Rrrah-CHAH! Rrra-poom! Sometimes it doesn’t crack, it just goes… Then they pull a mallet from their belt and try to make the noise. “Make the noise, I live for the noise.” They do your head as well, get it into a nice position. You’re thinking, “No, I don’t think it’s supposed to go round that far! “Thank you very much. Thank you.” You trust them. They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants and they’re pushing your spine away with a broom. “What’s this one all about?” “I have no idea.’ Wha-boom! (Sings fanfare) “Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried.” Also, if you’re in a restaurant and you’re choking to death, you can say the magic words – “Heimlich maneuver”. If you’re coughing, you say Heimlich maneuver and all will be well. The trouble is it’s very difficult to say when you’re choking to death. (Coughing and spluttering) Heim…rmeuvr… Heim… “Your hymen’s been removed?” “No, no… “Heimaneuver…” “You need it removed? Right.” I don’t know how you remove a hymen. But, er…yeah. Heimlich maneuver, developed by Dr. Heimlich, who woke up one night and went, “A fist, a hand!” Hoocha, hoocha, hoocha… lobster. “Yes. “Yes. Hilda, wake up!” “What is it, Dr. Heimlich?” “Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I’m your husband. “Loosen up, don’t be so bloody Prussian.” “Well, what is it, Günter?” “I have invented a maneuver.” “What are you, a bloody tank commander now?” “No. My name is going to be famous in restaurants!” I don’t think he actually did it that way. He must have experimented. He was German, organized. “Hans, I want you to swallow zis golf ball.” “I cannot breathe.” “I know. “I will now make you breathe with the cunning use of…” (Spluttering) “I still cannot breathe.” “Maybe this will help.” “Jesus fucking Christ.” “OK, maybe with a frying pan. Pow! “It must be a combination. “No? OK. “OK, two frying pans. “Frying pan in the bollocks. “Bollocks…frying pan…” Boom-boom boom boom boom! Whooo! Clung. “Oh, he’s dead.” Other doctors – “How’s it coming along?” “Not very well at the moment. “It’s not really a maneuver at the moment. “It’s more of a gesture. “As the National Rifle Association says, “it’s not guns that kill people, it’s maneuvers.” Yeah. But, er… ? A-mo-merr-mo-mer ? I’m a film nut as well. I used to break into film studios. There’s a studio called Pinewood Studios near London. I broke in when I was 15 and I crept around, creeping, hoping some guy with a big cigar might go, “Hey! A creeping kid. “For my film The Creeping Kid. “You, you’re in.” “Me? Oh, yeah!” But no, it didn’t happen. They were filming tall, angular veterinarians. And I didn’t have my bag. And my hand up a horse’s… Anyway. So, erm… Yes. So, l… We’re known in Britain for making the smaller films. Lately we’ve pulled out of that with Trainspotting but the smaller film, the Room With A View With A Staircase And A Pond type movie. Films with very fine acting but the drama is rather subsued – subsumed? A word like that. Sub-something or another. Just sort of folded in. Everything’s people opening doors – “Oh, I’m… Oh.” “What?” “Well, l… Oh.” “What is it, Sebastian? I’m arranging matches.” “Well, I thought you… “I’d better go.” “Yes, I think you better had.” (Sings morose melody) And you can’t eat popcorn to that. Whereas if the film did any bit of business in America, some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would remake it and up the budget by 50 million and it would be called The Room With A View Of Hell! Staircase Of Satan… Pond Of Death. People open the door – “You’re fucking in here all the time, “in here with the fucking matches! “What are you fucking doing with the fucking matches?” “Don’t talk to me that way! “You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? “You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?” “I am your wife.” “That don’t matter. “I say again. You fuck my wife?” “All right, yes. I fucked your wife. I am your wife and I fucked her.” “Daaah, you’re gonna… “Fucking matches, I can’t get… “I’m gonna drive round town and put babies on spikes.” Thboom! Hooha-hooha-hoo. Floom! Zi-zi-zi. “Oh, no! Space monkeys are attacking.” A whole new part of the film. “Hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaaah!” Poom! Poom! Poom! “Damn, it’s jammed. “Janine? I love you, really. Even though you fucked my wife.” (Explosion) “A fucking handbag. “With a brick in it. “It’s the Queen!” Don’t know who that is. Yeah. We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. The French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary War, they play more esoteric characters. Their characters go, “I am Pierre. I have come from Paris. “I have come to have sex with your family.” “Help yourself. “Because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette.” You know your own history, yeah? You don’t know who he is, do you? “The Spanish-American War? The French Banana War? What?” Revolutionary War. Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. Forget it. We play bad guys. Take The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star, just full of British actors opening doors and going, “Oh, I’m… Oh.” “What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?” “It’s just the rebels, sir. They’re here.” “My God, man. “Do they want tea?” “I think they’re after something more than that, sir. “I don’t know what it is but they’ve brought a flag.” “Damn, that’s dashed cunning of them. “Ah, Lord Vader.” (Heavy breathing) (Deep voice) “Hello.” He was only impressive cos he had that James Earl Jones voice. “I am Vader. The Force is strong with you.” If he had a much more… (Camp cockney) “‘Ello. “Look, I’m Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? “Luke, the Force is strong with you.” “Is it?” “Yeah.” “Who told you that?” “Some bloke. “He said the Force is really rather strong with you.” “How strong?” “Er, as strong as a small pony.” “That’s quite strong, that is.” The film would never have fucking worked, would it? Yeah. The Great Escape. British actors, I’m British, link-up there. Steve McQueen. Action hero, action transvestite, link-up there. The story is based on a true story about 76 British prisoners who escaped from the prisoner of war camp in Silesia in Poland. They’re all experts at escaping. They’re all put together so they say, “Let’s work together.” Steve McQueen plays the American who is dropped into British films in order to make them sell. In America, that is. You’d go, “I’m not gonna see it, it’s full of British guys “and what the fuck do I know about British things?” I was in… Where was I? I did a gig in Memphis and this guy came up to me, and this was fucking weird. This guy had two kids and he said, “You British?” I go, “Yeah” but wanted to go, “No, I’m from Mars, actually.” “You British?” “Yeah.” “Hey kids, Jimmy Sue, Bobby Will, Fishy Bob.” He said, “Talk British to my kids.” I said, “I’m not gonna talk British to your kids. It’s English. ‘Ello?” The kid’s going, “No, Dad, we wanna see…” Not with this accent. (Slow, slurry) “No, Dad, we wanna go see the man “emasculating a donkey over there.” “Talk British to my kids or I’ll get my arsenal of weapons out.” So that was fun. So yes, The Great Escape, yes. It’s all true and Steve McQueen’s there to make it sell. He’s cool. I’m a very big fan of Steve McQueen. Bullitt. Fog. No fucking fog in Bullitt. That film The Rock, when they’re all out on Alcatraz. “We can’t send this nuclear weapon to San Francisco, we can’t find it! “It’s covered in fog!” “All right, we’ll have to get Oakland, then.” Fight, fight, fight. Oakland, San Francisco. East Bay. You’re not called West Bay, are you? No, you’re just “the City”. “Are you going to the City today?” “I might go to the City.” And Oakland’s just a collection of houses, is it? So… So, yes. The Great Escape – “We’re gonna do the biggest escape “in the history of people escaping from things.” “Fantastic.” Steve isn’t really part of this. He’s hanging out, playing baseball, does an escape, gets caught. The British dig three tunnels – Charlie, Barley and Farley. Four. Charlie, Barley, Farley and Wally. No, five. No one expects the Spanish tunnel king. There’s people in charge of shoring it up, breathing apparatus, people putting things on trolleys, lighting apparatus, people disguising the entrance so it looks like a kibbutz. “I’ve turned my uniform inside out, turned my buttocks into a hat “and I now look like a German officer. “But I have no buttocks. “Jawohl, mein Herr. So habe ich einige wenige Lacher bekommen.” “Well done, Simpkins. That’s a line from Monty Python, isn’t it?” Donald Pleasence doing forgeries on bits of tin can with a bit of jam. Clang. On the day of the escape, Steve McQueen has joined up. The British have trilby hats, overcoats, canoe, bit of a rabbit. And, er… Steve’s just there in jeans and a T-shirt. Disguised as an American man. He romps out, jumps on a motorbike, knocks a guy off. Within 15 minutes he reaches Switzerland. This is from Poland. And if you don’t know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, Beirut… the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and then Switzerland. Where the Nazi gold comes from. So, yes. (Imitates people muttering about Nazi gold) I love that. Whenever I say something slightly weird, you all mutter. “I’m catching the ferry right now.” Anyway, so Steve’s just damn cool. As soon as he gets on the motorbike, the music cuts to… (Sings action film theme) The British are all down the train station. “Can’t we do a motorbike? Damn. “Yes, a train ticket. “lch möchte einen Ticket to… nach, erm…er… “London. No, not London! Erm… “Calais. That’s nice and Nazi, isn’t it?” “Ihre Pässe, bitte.” “My passport? All right.” Clang! Clang-clang-clang! “It’s a bit clangy and a bit jammy.” “Yes, I’m from the steel and jam area of Stuttgart.” The British are getting hassled, Steve’s away. Remember, Jim Rockford nicks an airplane in that film, flies to Switzerland and he gets about 20 miles away from it in an airplane. Steve’s on a fucking motorbike and he gets there. Before him. What’s he got on the fucking motorbike, jet wings? The British are being hassled, the Gestapo are after them. They’re on boats, bicycles, a rabbit, a kangaroo, pogo stick. Steve’s over the first line of barbed wire. lnto the second line of barbed wire. Doesn’t quite make it but lives to tell the tale. Meanwhile, the British are all rounded up and shot in the head. What signals is this giving to kids from Britain and America? American kids saying… (Shaky accent) “Steve, you’re damn cool. “I’m with you, man, all the way. Lived to tell the tale, good on you.” Don’t know why he’s Australian, but anyway. “Absolutely. G’day.” We just watch it thinking, “We’re fucked. “All that planning, the logistics, we get fucking blown away.” Chip on my… Fish and chips on my shoulder. Engelbert Humperdinck, he was a man. That’s not his real name. He’s from Britain. There’s very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey. His parents were not Humperdincks. They never said, “What should we call him “so he does not get the shit kicked out of him?” “We shall call him Engelbert.” “Good. That’ll work.” His name was Gerry Dorsey and he released songs as Gerry Dorsey. Songs such as… (Mumbling) Ah Ooh Of Umbachar… Which didn’t work cos no one could hear him. Then his manager said, “Let’s change your name, that’s the problem.” Gerry Dorsey became Engelbert Humperdinck. I wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through. “Zingelbert Bembledack! “Yingybert Dambleban. “Zangelbert Bingledack. “Wengelbert Humptyback. “Slut Bunwallah.” “What?” “All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns. “Steviebuns Buttritrundle.” “Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey.” “No, we can’t. “Zingelbert Bimbledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwallah, “Klingybun Fistelvase, “Dindelbert Zindeldack, Gerry Dorsey, “Engelbert Humptyback, Zangelbert Bingeldack, “Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingerbert Wingeldanck…” “No, go back one. “Engelbert Humperdinck. That’s it.” And it worked! But he’s dead now. Did you hear? Today on CNN, I heard just as I was coming out. Very weird because Frank Sinatra was recently as well. – Yeah. Mmm. – (Silence) This is what I heard on the telly when I was coming out. No, it’s not true. No, it is true. He was in LA and something happened. That’s all I caught. It was just before I came out. No, it is true. Er… He was in a car in LA, something hit him or something like that. No, he’s all right! He’s fine. He’s cooking, he’s jumping, doing his thing in LA. How do I know? I don’t know. I think he’s got a cold, that’s what they said. No, a tan, that’s it. Back in the ’60s, though, President Kennedy became the President of the USA. He went to Berlin, stood on the Berlin Wall. He said, “People of Berlin…” (Hearty American) “People of Berlin.” I can’t do an impression of Kennedy. “People of Berlin…” No. James Mason playing him – “People of Berlin, I’ve come to you to tell you something about “the American states. “I sound a bit like God, don’t l? Yes. “I’ve come to say that every free citizen of the world “is a citizen of Berlin. I wish to say to you… “Ich bin ein Berliner.” And the crowd went fucking wild. Trouble is, “Ich bin ein Berliner” means “I am a doughnut”. This is true, this is what he said. “I am a doughnut.” And… As I say, 70 per cent how you look, 20 per cent how you sound, only 10 per cent is what you say. He said, “I am a doughnut,” they went wild! “Ich bin Berliner” is “I am a Berliner” but “Ich bin ein Berliner” is the name of a doughnut. It’s like going to Frankfurt. “I am a Frankfurter.” “We’ve heard about that one, Jackie.” Hamburg. “I am a Hamburger.” Lucky he didn’t do a tour of Germany. “I am a hamburger, a frankfurter and a doughnut.” People in Berlin must’ve gone, “Did he say he was a doughnut?” “I thought he said he was a doughnut, too. What does that mean?” “It’s slang. He’s American, he’s a doughnut. “A fuckin’ doughnut. Fuckin’ doughnut. “He’s a fuckin’ doughnut! A fuckin’ doughnut. “He’s a fuckin’ doughnut.” “That’s what it must mean. What do you think, Dr Heimlich?” (Coughing) “I don’t… I don’t know. “I have swallowed a football and I can’t get it out… “Can you perform my maneuver on me, please? The me maneuver.” “Huh?” “Hilda, get me a map of everything.” Kennedy also made a speech about space. “By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the moon.” At the same time, our Prime Minister in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang… You don’t know anyway, do you? You have no idea. It was Sir Fritz Bunwallah. Engelbert Slapdeback… who was Prime Minister, stood up and said, “By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man “on the surface of the earth.” And so he did. But, er…yeah. It was kind of weird. Cos, er… Er… I mean… We couldn’t do the space race. We had no money. Rationing didn’t stop till the year 2001 . I still haven’t even lived that long. We didn’t have any money. You were getting space rockets tested – a cat, a dog, a fish, a monkey up into space. The fish was interesting. We didn’t have enough money to put a man in a tracksuit up a ladder! I would’ve been there – “Go, man!” “I’m going, I’m going, ‘ang on. “Just hang on to the ladder! “Hello, Swindon, I am here. “Swindon, can you hear me?” “Swindon here. We’re monitoring you on our instruments. “We’ve got you on a tuba.” (Quiet laughter) “That should be a bigger laugh for that joke, I think.” “Yeah, I can’t quite understand it, I thought it was really funny. “Swindon – a knackered, kind of Fresno town…” “They don’t seem to be going for it. “They’re obviously bastards. “Anyway, Swindon, I’m nearly at the moon. “Actually, that’s an understatement. “Have you got more ladder? We’re not quite at the moon yet. “But I can see right over the top of the houses. Fantastic!” But they went to the moon. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins going round, working out the IRA thing. Neil said, “One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.” Good line, but not his line. I bet that was given to him. He was coming down the steps going, “A small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. “Don’t get it wrong. Don’t fuck it up. Here we go. “I’m a small man with a giant… Shit. “One man small giant to… to men’s… “What was it?” You gotta say something. You can’t get out onto the moon and go, “Oh, it’s all sticky. “It’s covered in jam.” You can’t go, “Fucking hell, l’ve been in that spacecraft… “Right, I need a piss.” You can’t wind down the window – “Is this the Sea of Tranquility? “There’s no one around.” He had a sense of humor so he should’ve used it. That lunar module – fixed camera, not panning left and right. He could’ve said, “As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility, “the mountains, the earth – you’re looking back at yourselves. “Over to my right, I can see… “a fucking monster! There’s a monster behind me! “Oh, no! Help! “Aaah! “Get off my leg! “Oooooh…. “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! “Nnyyaaah!” Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit. (Roars) Neil saying, “They’ve got me, Houston. The monster’s caught me. “He wants cash. “He’s got my hand behind my back, I think he knows jujitsu. “He wants cash for my life. Send a million…two million dollars. “Leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. “I don’t know, the North Shore. What the fuck…?” Oh, it would have worked. They went to the moon and brought back rock. The trouble is we’ve got rock. That was the one thing we didn’t need. “Rock, Neil? I don’t know whether you looked at the planet “but it’s made of fucking rock.” “But it’s moon rock.” “This is earth rock, Neil, come on. “Earth rock with special minerals. It’s rock, isn’t it? “Have you heard? On the stock market, rock’s gone up three points. “No, it hasn’t, has it? Cos it’s fucking rock. “We wanted diamonds or sherbet or a squirrel with a gun.” So on the moon they found rock. They’ve found ice as well. Rock and ice. What an exciting planet. Obviously a party planet. They went to Mars and found more rock but it’s red this time. We’ve got the most boring solar system I’ve ever heard of. And I’ve never heard of any. Not one fucking monster has turned up in the history of looking. We’ve been ready for monsters, we’ve been waiting for them for so long. Pictures, stories, documentaries, films, programs, television things. Not one fucking monster! Nothing, not even a squirrel with a flute has turned up. (Sings jaunty flute tune) “Monster! Very small monster!” “Get the flute off him, that’s where he gets his power.” (Sings tune) I think the world needs monsters. Because we’ve got this thing of… Humans are very good with a little bit of adversity. Not too much but enough. So in the Cold War… The Second World War is better, the Cold War was negative. World War ll had everyone pulling together against something. Positive stuff came out of it. Now that the Cold War is gone, everything’s loose and free. Everyone’s obsessed with upstairs. The X-Files, lndependence Day, Armageddon, Deep lmpact, Deep Throat… erm…erm… All these things. We’re all looking upstairs now. And in America, terrorism is happening. The Oklahoma bombing, which everyone was sure was some lslamic thing. You found out it was white guys from nearby. That must have freaked you out something rotten. “These guys from around the corner? They look like us. Oh, fuck.” Yeah, bit of a weird one. And, er… And the Aryan supremacists have ideas of “get some chemical weapons and kill people.” “What does that achieve?” “Nothing, really.” It won’t work. White, black or blue supremacists, especially the blue supremacists, they’ll never work. If people from the same genetic group intermarry… Hello, cousins marrying. Hello-oo? IQ down the toilet. Hitler was trying this. The first generation of Nazis – “Sieg heil!” The second generation – “Sieg heil.” The third generation. “Er…Sieg… “Er… “I have no idea.” The FBI caught a guy trying to access anthrax through the mail. Who the fuck do you write to for anthrax? Is there a big desk? “More requests for anthrax? Thank you. “Dear Mrs. Stevens, thank you for your request for anthrax, “one of the most dangerous chemical weapons known to humankind. “We have pleasure in rushing to you three buckets of anthrax “for your own personal use only.” This guy was doing it fraudulently, he was cunning. “Dear Sir, my name is Daisy. I am a cow. “Erm… I wish to take my own life “so please send me three buckets of anthrax, “as anthrax is designed to kill cattle “and I want to end it all right now. “PS I cannot shoot myself, as I have no opposable thumb.” But it is, it’s the… Pedigree dogs and mongrel dogs are the proof of this experiment. Pedigree dogs are all inbred, you take their grandmother and nephew… And they’re all next to each other in the genetic pool. They look good but they just go, “Er…woof.” “What do you think about the latest doggie situation?” “Er…w-woof. “I like meeting other dogs.” Whereas the mongrel, with a black patch on a white face, furry on top and sleek below because a lion shagged a whippet, that’s the one. That one nicks your credit cards and drives to the Bahamas. I’m gonna finish up today by talking about puberty, which is a spiky subject but it is interesting. Kids shooting people, which you’ve had in America. Because guns don’t kill people, it’s just that certain noise they make. And, erm… Er… It’s the bullet ripping through bodies, that’s what kills people. Have guns but don’t allow any ammunition. We’ve got it sorted. They’ll just go… “Errrr… Oh.” So, yeah. Before puberty… At school, I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite, cos I thought they might kill me with sticks. “Why?” “He said a word we didn’t understand. “And he won at Scrabble with it.” So, yes. Most transvestites fancy girls, you can tell people this. “Most transvestites fancy girls.” “Who told you that?” “A transvestite.” “Probably lives in a cave.” “No, an executive transvestite told me.” “Oh, really? Well. Fantastico.” So, yeah. I played kiss-chase with the girls. Tag a girl, she has to kiss you. But then puberty came and destroyed my confidence, my everything, which could be part of what causes these kids to go and commit murder. It is such a hell of a gear change. Before puberty, girls and boys go, “Girls, eurgh!” or “Boys, eurgh!” It gets to puberty, you start going, “Girls, oooh,” or “Boys, boys.” Whatever sexual preference, you start switching on. You think, “I want to get off with people, l’d better look my best.” Then Mother Nature says, “No! “You will look the worst you’ll ever look in your life!” “Where did I get all this from? “Eurrrrgh!” We repulse ourselves. I’d look in the mirror and go, “I’m certainly not gonna shag me.” That’s what narcissism is all about, looking in the mirror and going, “I’d like to have sex with myself.” It’s a self-attraction thing. When you’ve got the acne thing, you go, “No way.” Parents should tell you. “Your hair will go greasy, your face will become a plague area. “Here’s a book on the Black Death. “Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a sexy way “but in a continuing plague theme. “Down here – I’m not even gonna talk about that. “But here’s a picture of your Uncle Jim. “Sorry, it’s the other way up. “No, that’s your aunt. Sorry. “That’s Queen Victoria.” Um, yeah, so, er… Puberty is over months and years. It should be one day. Get the fucker over with. Go into school… (Squeaky) “Sorry I’m late.” By the time you get home… (Gruff) “I’m off to get a job with a drill.” And that one day at school will be weird – (Swinging from high to low) “Sorry, I don’t know. “Can I be excused? I seem to have the plague.” Then I had to chat up girls. l’d never used my voice to do that. When your voice is breaking, it’s hard. (Silkily) “Why, Susan, I really… (Squeakily) ..kind of fancy you.” “I saw you in the… (Squeaks) ..playground.” I had to chat up girls. l’d only tagged them before. I didn’t have the power to say, “Susan, I saw you in class today, “as the sun shone with a brilliant light that caught your hair. “lt was haloed. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul. “I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, “and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you.” But no. At 13, you’re just going, “Hello, Sue. “I’ve got legs. “Do you like bread? “I’ve got a French loaf. “Bye. “I love you.” So it was all not working very well and, er… Later, when we become more mature, we have that line, if you’re getting on well with someone you can say, “Do you want a cup of coffee?” If they go, “Yeah, OK,” then sex is on, yeah? That’s the unwritten rule. Doesn’t always work. If the President of Burundi says, “Would you like a coffee?” you’re not supposed to go, “I’m in here.” “And how do you take it?” “Any way I find it, big boy. “Oh, just a cup of coffee? Oh, right! “I thought you meant, ‘Do you want a cup of coffee?’ “So you’re from Burundi, are you? Fantastic. isn’t it? Near Tanzania. “No, I learnt them all when I had chickenpox. “I gotta go now cos my grandmother’s on fire and…” But normally it works if you keep the chat sexy. “I like my coffee hot and strong. “Like I like my women – hot and strong. “With a spoon in them. “Ah, the curve of the spoon and the curve of your breast. “I’d like to run the spoon across my lips and…” Then you’re pretty close, yeah? I was a very driven boy scout. Very driven boy scout. Driven everywhere, I was. And, er… And I, er… It’s such a crap joke. Other nights I’ve never said it cos it’s so crap. I’m just laughing that you laughed. But I was. I was a driven boy scout. No, I was actually just driven. You know, I was just… Forget this. Anyway… I had all the badges. I had my Landing On The Moon badge. You know, advanced badges. My Nuclear Fusion badge. And my Menachem Begin Disguise Kit badge. Which was great. I was a chief scout – had my own tribe. Me and this other chief scout went on an outing as chaperones for these younger girls. Ten girls, two boys. Good odds for a shy kid. We go to an activity center where you climb a tree and eat a sausage. It builds your character so you know about sausages. We go swimming and I’m doing splashy-splashy with a girl I fancy. She’s doing splashy-splashy. l’m going, “Fucking hell, splashy back!” Splashy-splashy is the aquatic equivalent of “Do you want a cup of coffee?” I think, “I’ll do swimmy-swimmy and maybe she’ll do swimmy-swimmy “in a kind of chase me-chase me way. “Then we’ll do catchy-catchy and underwater sexy-sexy.” But I was so elated that splashy-splashy was working that I swam like a boy chased by sharky-sharky. I swam and I swam and I swam and I was in Egypt when they caught up with me. And that’s a long way from England cos it goes England, Venezuela, Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon… It’s near Switzerland. So yeah, it just wasn’t working. I was saving my virginity. lt’s cool to lose your virginity at 13. You say, “I was 13. She was 25. I was an animal. What can I say?” But I was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts. And, er… And I was getting on, I was 18. They said, “Have you done it yet?” I said, “I am not from your country.” You go to college, still nothing. I thought, “Stop saving yourself for some imaginary person. “Just lose your virginity. “Find anyone, as long as they’ve got a pulse. “Or not. “Pulse optional.” I was 21 before I lost my virginity. 21 . That’s not cool at all, is it? But then I tell everyone about it, so that’s quite cool. And I’ve done it since then. And, erm… But the weirdest thing is I lost my virginity a year before I lost my virginity. A year before, when I was 20, I actually had a night of way-hey-hey. So the next morning was a post-virginity breakfast. “Just sit there. # Breakfast, cereal, bacon and eggs. “# Bit of coffee bubbling away, freshly squeezed mango juice… ?” She’s going, “You’re chipper.” I go, “Yeah, fucking hell, cos last night…ha-ha-haaa! “# Lost my virginity ?” “Oh, yeah? With who?” I did this for an hour. I was going, “With you. With you. What the…” (Clucks wildly) “What the fuck was last night all about?” And we had a conversation. The word “ejaculation” was said. And the word “premature”, as well. And I came back with, “No. Ejaculation mature. “Mature ejaculation. Not premature. “Post-mature. Veteran ejaculation. “Wise, learned man ejaculation. “Mature man who does the washing-up.” But no, she vetoed it. She was China in the United Nations Security Council. In the United Nations Security Council of my virginity. So it just didn’t work. It fucked me off, I tell you. But she’s dead now, so… No, she was in LA in a car with Engelbert Humperdinck. So that’s the end of my show. I do like to end the show with a kind of “oh” feeling. And, er… And I think I’ve done that quite well. Thank you for being here. Hope you enjoyed it. (Cheering) (Whistling) (Cheering continues) (Clapping dies out) (Cheering and clapping) (Clapping fades in and out) (Clapping) (Applause slowly builds) (Brief silence, then laughter) (Applause slowly builds) (Brief burst, then laughter) (Clapping in sync with Eddie) (Laughter) What? (Applause) Now, I just want to talk quickly about language, then we can all go. Yeah, they say Britain and America are two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean. And it’s true. No, they say two countries separated by a common language. That’s the line. It’s an Oscar Wilde line, I think. And we do pronounce things differently. Like you say caterpillar and we say caterpillar. And, er… You say a-LU-minum. We say alu-MIN-ium. You say cen-TRl-fugal. We say centri-FU-gal. You say leisure. We say “lizuriay”. You say bay-sil. We say bah-sil. You say ‘erbs and we say herbs because there’s a fucking H in it. (Laughter and applause) (Applause dies out) But you spell through T-H-R-U, and I’m with you on that cos we spell it “thruff”. And that’s trying to cheat at Scrabble. “How can we get that ‘ou’ sound?” “A U will work.” “An O as well?” “We don’t need it.” “No, I think an O in.” “OK.” “And a G as well.” “What?” “Yes, a G would be good. We need a silent G in the background “in case of any accidents or something.” “All right.” “And an H as well.” “Fucking hell. Hang on.” “An H in case some herbs come along.” “All right.” “And a Q and a P and a Z. “Look, it’s a word in Scrabble that’s 480 points.” So, yes. And, er… We do have slight differences in that arena. But in Europe, we have 200 languages. 200 languages. Just count them. I know you won’t. And future generations of Europeans – I’m sorry – but we’re gonna have to be bilingual. English speakers hate this. “Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed. “Good Lord, man! You’re asking the impossible.” “But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.” “Yes, but they’re cheating. “Everyone knows marijuana’s a drug enhancement “that can help you on track and field “to come last in a team of eight million…” (Laughter) “..eight million other runners who are all dead.” I don’t know how the Dutch do it. We’re gonna have to learn and reason one is for being groovy and doing it. But the second, we lose a lot of business in Europe cos German people phone up, “Wir haben fünf Millionen Deutschmark…” “Just fuck off, will you, mate? “He was speaking German. I told him to go away. Fuck off. “I dunno, something about fünf million in Deutschmarks. “I told him to get knotted. We don’t want his deustchy markys. “We do? We do want that? I’m terribly sorry. “Oh, fuck. Redial.” Yeah, so, er… So I’m into this idea. It’s a positive thing, man. I took my last show, Glorious, to Paris and I did it in French. And the French people stared at me with that look in their eyes of, “Quoi?” Because there’s no stand-up in France and they’re not used to English people speaking French but I did it because we could be the biggest melting pot in the world. 500 million people. All we have to do is melt a bit. Fucking move it around. It was partly that and partly just to go, “Yeah, wherrr.” I learnt French at school up to the age of 16. Then I kept talking it endlessly after that. At school, the first page I learnt in French was full of things that are difficult to get into conversation. “The mouse is under the table.” La souris est en dessous de la table. Just slip that in when you’re buying a ticket to Paris. “Le train à Paris, oui? “C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes. “La souris est en dessous de la table?” The other line was, “The cat is on the chair.” Le chat est sur la chaise, slightly more easy to fit in. And, “The monkey is on the branch”, le singe est sur la branche. Very difficult to get into a conversation. Not a lot of jungle in France. Monkeys thin on the ground. Thin in the air. Just generally pretty trim. And, yeah. So it just wasn’t working. We go to bars and cafés. That’s where we go. We sit there and we have chats in the cafés. “J’aime beaucoup le café, le café noir et très fort, “très chaud. “Avec une cuillère dedans. “Ahhh. “Ah, le virage de la cuillère, le virage des poitrines. “Je mets la cuillère dans la bouche…” “Je suis le Président de Burundi.” “Ah, oui! Burundi! Je le connais bien! “Tout près de Mozambique. “Non, Tanzanie, Tanzanie! Ha-ha-haaa! “Oui, je les ai appris quand j’ai les pox de poulet. “Je dois partir maintenant parce que ma grandmère est flambée.” If you don’t speak French, that was fucking funny, all right? We go and get hotel rooms – “Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?” “Oui, nous avons les chambres, nous sommes un hôtel!” “OK, je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit, a large bed, “avec une vue de la mer, a view of the sea. “Avec une douche. “With a spider.” “Oui, monsieur.” “Er…c’est chambre 42, monsieur.” “42, merci beaucoup. Mais – la souris est en dessous de la table, “le chat est sur la chaise “et le singe est sur la branche.” “Quoi? “Il y a un singe sur la branche? “Le chat? La souris? “Où est le singe?” “Le singe est sur la branche.” “Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?” “Non. “Le singe n’est pas dans la chambre. “Michelle est dans la chambre “avec le Président de Burundi.” The only way I could get that into a conversation was to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and a chair and wander round heavily wooded areas. “Come on, come on. “Someone’s coming. Quick, positions. Les positions, maintenant!” “Boulot! Boulot! Tout de suite! “Vas-y, vas-y. “Bonjour!” “Eh, bonjour. “Qu’est-ce qui se passe?” “Bonjour, je suis Anglais, je suis ici en vacances. “C’est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bras, très belle.” “Ouais, ouais. (Inhaling) “Ouais, ouais. “Tu es un travesti?” “Ouais, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. “Je suis un travesti executif. “Un travesti d’action.” “Très bien.” “Mais la souris est en dessous de la table, “le chat est sur la chaise “et le singe est s… “Est… “Le singe est disparu.” Cos the monkey would fuck off. He’d do his own thing. He was a bloody monkey. He was a cheeky monkey. He knew my French wasn’t good, so he’d go and do things. “Ah, regarde – il est sur une bicyclette. “ll joue au banjo. “Et il fume une pipe. “Maintenant il arrête, il lit un journal, il a un journal. “Et maintenant il est dans l’autobus! “ll conduit l’autobus. “Et Sandra Bullock est dans l’autobus! “ll y a une bombe dans l’autobus! “ll faut conduire l’autobus plus de 50 kilomètres par l’heure. “Et Keanu Reeves! Là! ll arrive dans la voiture! “ll a pas de cheveux et Jeff Daniels est déjà mort. “Regarde, il se jette dans l’autobus. “Et Dennis Hopper, ooh, Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!” That was the film Speed in French. Which in France was called La Vitesse. Or it should have been. But in fact, it was called Speed. Yeah. So in conclusion, ladies and jelly spoons… Erm… America, you have the American Dream. We haven’t got the European Dream yet. We’ve got to get a dream to build on. The American Dream is to be born in the gutter and grow up and get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go… The American Dream. A fantastic dream of money in your ears and swimming through fivers. The American Dream. In Europe, we haven’t got a dream yet. Well, the dream was… “Oooh. “Whuurrrr. Get off, ya fuckin’…” “Oohhh…ohhh. “Flag. No. “Whaoooh. (Gasps) “Oh, God. “Hilda. Hilda, wake up, Hilda.” “What is it, Dr. Heimlich, you waking-up type person?” “I have dreamed the European Dream – “that everyone spoke a different language and hated each other. “Oh, that’s true, isn’t it?” That was the dream. But maybe now, the dream is to be in the south of Europe – in Greece, in Italy, in Spain – and to be on a moped with no helmet on going, “Ciao.” That’s a cool dream. It’s not much but it’s as good as we’ve got. And it’s pretty funky, cos when you die, you look a mess. I don’t know. I just like it. Cos you’re on a fucking hairdryer. There’s dogs walking faster than you. It’s just pretty damned cool for me. That’s the European Dream. Thank you very much. (Cheers, applause and whistles)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIMMY CARR: FUNNY BUSINESS (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-funny-business-transcript/

[classical music playing] [applauding and cheering] Wow! Good evening, London. You well? -[audience] Yes! -Fabulous. You are in very safe hands this evening. I’ve been doing comedy now for, uh… money and sex. It’s going very well. I live in North London now, and a guy came up to me in the high street near where I live. He was all excited. He went… [gasps] “I didn’t recognise you!” I said, “Yeah, you did.” I should really have explained when I walked on, as well, I look like this because my dad is Irish and my mum is Roger Federer. [chuckles] Speaking of looks, we were watching proper BBC News the other day and Liz Hurley came on the news. Not like that, obviously. Ah… But she was on the news. She was promoting some new TV show, and they did this thing. They would only get away with doing this on the news. They put her age after her name. So, it said, “Liz Hurley, 50.” And my girlfriend turned to me and went, “I hope I look that good when I’m 50.” I said, “You don’t look that good now. What do you think’s gonna happen? You’re gonna get to 49 and invent a time machine, are you? Best of luck.” Liz Hurley’s a good-looking woman. -You’d agree with that, wouldn’t you? -[audience agrees] Yeah, I mean, I don’t wanna be crude… Well, I do wanna be crude, but not till later on. I’ll ease it in. It’s a gift. Um… Liz Hurley’s a good-looking woman. Put it this way, I would ride her like a stolen bike. You look as if you may require further clarification there, sir. What I’m saying is, I would crawl over broken glass to suck the cock of the last man that fucked her. We’re all clear, we’re all clear. We’re all caught up. Ladies spend ages getting ready for a night out. Not all of them, obviously. [audience laughing] No, you were probably in a hurry. Don’t feel bad. I was just randomly pointing down to whoever’s sat there. So, that’s… That is nothing more than a happy coincidence. Well, you’re laughing, but the eyes are fucking daggers. I’m in all kinds of trouble. My girlfriend spends ages getting ready for a night out. I’m not sure what she’s getting ready for. Disappointment is my best guess. Nando’s and a movie. That’s our classic date night. And I love the cinema. Don’t get me wrong. Love the cinema. My only issue with the cinema, it’s only a little thing, but I get annoyed by the popcorn. I think the popcorn in a cinema should have a very clear warning label on it, saying, “May contain nuts.” Because if you’re with me, it might. “I know you said you wanted salty. Wait.” Because I’ve cut a hole in the bottom of the container. And I’ve sort of placed it there. And I’ve shoved my genitals through the hole. And then when the lady I’m with has reached in to get popcorn, innocently enough, she’s touched my genitals, and that’s caused me to ejaculate. And it’s that ejaculate that’s caused the salty flavour you’re so familiar with. I’m happy to explain any and all of these as we go through. It’s clearly a mixed-ability group. Horror films. Anyone else like horror films? [audience] Yes! I like watching horror films hiding behind the sofa, ’cause that way, my neighbours don’t know I’m there. I like those black-and-white films where no one says anything. Interracial porn. Don’t panic. I’ve checked, and that one’s fine. Flooding. We had pretty bad flooding last year. I saw a woman on the news, in her flooded front room, crying. I thought… “Crying’s not helping. If anything, you’re making matters worse, luv.” [laughs] See, the flooding was pretty serious. We knew the flooding was serious ’cause it happened in London. That’s when you know it’s serious. It’s not as bad when it happens in the West Country, is it? Chance for them to get some use out of those webbed fingers. [audience laughing] Oh, sorry, we’re taping this this evening for Netflix, so I should explain. The West Country, sort of Louisiana. There you go. I’ll translate as we go along. Is there anyone in from the West Country? [man] Yes! Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your romantic night out with your sister. I was just making a joke. Having a bit of fun. Having fun. Last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels. I skidded on some ice and took out three pedestrians. I recently wrote a book about poltergeists. And I’m pleased to say it is flying off the shelves. Proper fucking jokes in this show. My friend said to me, “What rhymes with orange?” I said, “No, it doesn’t.” How do they get all those drugs into our jails? I guess they’re smuggled in by some asshole. I’ve only given you a joke. You’ve just given me a look as if to say, “Yeah, so we do that. What’s your fucking problem?” What do you do for a living, sir? Have a little think. I mean… I’m not busy. Relax. You’re an accountant? Where were you when I fucking needed you, mate? -[audience laughing and applauding] -Eh? No good showing up now. No good showing up now. [laughing] If you’re watching this on Netflix in America, don’t Google that. -I’m a good guy. -[audience laughing] Shh! What a lot of comedians do on stage, is they bullshit the audience. They’ll tell an audience they’ve recently broken up with a girl. It’s bullshit. The reason they do it is to elicit sympathy from attractive female audience members, so then after the show, they’ve got that sympathy in when they’re chatting to them at the bar. They can try and sort of chat ’em up, try and pick ’em up, ultimately, try and shag them. Rest assured, I would never do that because I think it would be disrespectful to the memory of my wife. I just need to be held. Have we got any Christians in? Is anyone here a Christian? [man] Whoo! Christian there? What’s your name, sir? Andreas. Andreas? Well, very nice to have you in. An offer just for you, Andreas. Would you be interested, Andreas, in buying some magic beans? I’m only asking you, Andreas, ’cause you are fucking gullible. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m sure Andreas won’t mind me sharing that with the group. You know you are. You believe the story of a 14-year-old girl who finds herself pregnant. And when asked about the pregnancy, as well she might be, she goes, “This? Not what you think. I was raped by a ghost.” Really, Andreas? Fast-forward 2,000 years. Jeremy Kyle, would you believe her then? Would you? Fuck! I mean, you’d watch it, but you’d watch it thinking, “Joseph, mug. Mary, slag.” Daily Mail “Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat Living in Luxury Shed.” “Have you declared that gold, frankincense and myrrh?” Andreas, you don’t look annoyed. You all right? -Yeah. -You’re fine. Of course you are. I got a guy annoyed with that the other week. I did that bit of material, and there was a guy down the front, a middle-class guy, I got him really annoyed. You can tell when you’ve annoyed someone middle class ’cause they get a bit bobbly-headed. He had a point to make, and it was rattling around in his head. I said, “What’s your point?” He said, “I notice you make those jokes about Jesus and the Christians, but would you say that about Muhammad or the Islamic faith, I wonder?” I said, “It’s a very good point. Well made. Have you thought about blowing something up? No one’s scared of you.” Seriously, what are you gonna do, Andreas? Forgive me? I try not to censor myself on stage. I should say that early on. You know, if I think something’s funny, I think you might think it was funny as well, and then we’d all have a laugh, release some endorphins, and the world would be a very slightly better place, yeah? And if anyone’s offended, eh, fuck ’em! But I wrote a joke recently that I worry about telling. I wrote a joke about the negative stereotypes that still prevail in our society concerning women. And I worry about telling that joke, because I worry, “Well, if I were to tell that joke and it were to be misconstrued as genuine misogyny, it could really light the fuse on some bitch’s tampon. I would feel awful. I’m not sexist. I’ve got nothing but respect for every woman I’ve ever slung one up. Pride and Prejudice. Spoiler alert, in the end, Mr Darcy slings one up her. It’s very good. Oh, here’s an interesting fact. The most common superstition in Britain today is a belief in horoscopes. And there’s a name for people that believe in horoscopes. They’re called single women. Are there any single ladies in? Shout, single ladies! [women] Whoo! Who’s the single lady down there, give us your… What’s your name? -[woman] Laura. -Laura? What’s your date of birth? What month? -February. -What star sign is that? [audience] Pisces. [Jimmy] Pisces. So February, and what’s the exact date? Twenty-sixth. The 26th? It’s just, you die alone. Normally, this is a really upbeat bit of the show. Nine times out of ten, Mr Right is just around the corner, but… [exhales] [laughing] Well, not alone-alone. A cat eats your face. But it’s not great news, is it? It’s not… I really hope this hasn’t ruined your last night out. So, we should find out more. What do you do? I’m a student. You’re a student. And what are you studying? -Engineering. -Engineering? -Where are you from? -China. From China? I’m fucking big in China. Well done, me. Are you living here, or you’re just… You’re visiting? And you decided, “I’ll tell you who I want to see. That fella.” You’ve made a terrible decision. This is filth. You definitely didn’t Google me in China. I’ll tell you that for nothing. There’s no way I made it past that firewall. -Um… -[audience laughing] [audience applauding and cheering] Tremendous! Some people think it’s good luck if a bird shits on them. And they’re called German porn stars. If you don’t get it, Google it. I find most young women make a lot of noise in the bedroom. I guess they’re not expecting to see anyone at their window. Now, my job is writing jokes. All I’ve got to do for a living is write jokes. Pretty easy job to have. Now, sometimes, I don’t even have to do that. Sometimes, you just overhear people saying something, and you think, “Well, I can just tell people what I overheard, and that’s enough. Just report speech. That’ll do.” I had this happen recently. I was in a supermarket car park. You couldn’t find a more boring place to be. Just walking back to my car with a coffee. I overheard these two men having a conversation. It was clearly gonna be a fight, but it wasn’t a fight yet. So as I walked by, I just heard a snippet of conversation. That is all I needed. I’ll tell you what one man said to another man, we’ll all have a laugh, and we’ll move on with our lives. I heard one man say to another, “You can’t park in a disabled bay, you spastic!” [audience laughing] Shut the front door! “You can’t park in a disabled bay, you spastic”? How could you be that right and that wrong that quickly? It’s remarkable! Of course, political correctness has changed the world. I don’t mind tackling the tough topics. Here’s my view on immigration. I sort of think these Bulgarians and these Romanians, they come over here, taking our Polish people’s jobs. [audience laughing and applauding] People that adhere to political correctness are, in my opinion, retarded faggots. I can see some of you sitting in judgement, thinking, “‘Retarded faggots.’ That is an offensive phrase.” But it’s not that offensive a phrase. Not when you compare it to my impersonation of… a retarded faggot. “I want a cock in me. I’m a really good bummer.” That’s offensive. Compared to that, phrase doesn’t seem as bad now, does it? I’ve been described, London, as a sex symbol. And that symbol is a question mark. Followed by a “no”. [chuckles] I’ve had sex with a lot of different woman. The first time I had sex, I wanted it to be special. Well, not special-special, but consensual. I actually didn’t lose my virginity until I was in my 20s, and, really, the reason was being fussy. Most women are really… fussy. And what made it worse was my best friend lost his virginity in year 11, which would have been pretty cool, but he was home-schooled. [audience gasps and laughs] It’s not as bad as you think. Fit mum. It could’ve been worse. It could’ve been ugly dad. Cheer up, everyone. Well, look, I’ve got the easiest job here. I just tell jokes. It doesn’t get any easier than telling jokes. Let’s find out what other people do. Do we have any nurses in? Is anyone a nurse? -[scattered cheers] -A few nurses? You’ve got your hand up there. What kind of a nurse are you? -[inaudible] -You talk to them over the phone? -Yeah. -Are you sure… If you’re… If people think you’re dressed as a nurse, and you’re chatting to them on the phone, I think… I’m not sure… “You’re feeling very stiff, are you? I see. I think I can help.” Any other nurses? What else we got? Geriatric? Can’t go wrong with geriatric, can you? If you give ’em too much of something, and then, “Oh, he’s dead.” No one’s doing an autopsy on a 91-year-old. Fuck it, you’re fine. Any others? [woman] Intensive care! Intensive care? That’s interesting. So the other nurses… Do you care about your patients? You care? Do you care about your patients? Do you? Little bit. Not like she fucking cares. Intensively. “Hope they make it.” Any others? What else we got? [woman 1] Paediatric! [woman 2] Student! Sorry, student? We should get together and have a chat after the show ’cause I’m also not a nurse. -What, sorry? -[woman shouts indistinctly] Sorry, did you just say dental? A dental nurse? Well, I think we can all agree, that doesn’t count. -Definitely doesn’t count. No way. -[audience applauding] Are you joking? Let me ask you, sir. I don’t know what you do for a living. If I gave you a disgusting pink fluid to drink, and there was a sink there, and I said, “Rinse”, -would you be able to… -[inaudible] …work out where to spit it? You would? We don’t need you! We don’t need you. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “Some asshole’s got my pen.” Social networking sites. Are you all on the social networking sites? [audience] Yeah! They’re bloody good, aren’t they? They help people to meet people. That’s what they do brilliantly. I’ve got a friend of mine, gay friend of mine, joined Grindr a couple of weeks ago, and his social life has been such a whirlwind, he’s hardly been able to sit down. That’s a joke about super-aggressive anal sex. You got that? Well, that is to your credit. Lesbians get a lot out of Internet dating. I’ll explain. We’ve all got pretty good gaydar these days, haven’t we? We’re all familiar with gaydar, the term, yes? [man] Yeah, yes. So gaydar is the voice in your head that, when you meet a gay guy, goes, “Oh, a gay guy.” If you say out loud, “Bummer on the loose! Bummer on the loose!” That is homophobia. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Yeah, I just said that. Deal with it. But with lesbians, the gaydar certainly needs to be more finely tuned, doesn’t it? For the lesbians, it needs to be more finely tuned. But, yeah, sometimes, it’s very difficult to know whether a woman is a lesbian or just a regular girl in a very bad mood. [audience laughing] And if you’re a lesbian, and you didn’t find that funny, well, you’ve proved my point for me. Are there any lesbians in? Does anyone favour the flatter shoe? [scattered whistling] Any lady golfers? Is anyone here “allergic to nuts”? Would any of the women in here describe themselves as crack addicts? [audience laughing] Or vagitarian? Seriously, are there any lesbians in? [scattered cheers] [audience laughing and applauding] Well, you’re definitely one of the butcher ones, aren’t ya? Maybe there are none in. That would be a very weird thing. Maybe no one’s full-time. Gay dudes pretty much go full-time, don’t they? You meet very few bisexual men. I’ve met, like, a handful in my life. Of bisexual men. They’re like fucking unicorns. Men make a decision about dicks early on. Either, “This one’s good. The rest can fuck off.” Or, “These are all delicious!” [gurgling] It’s one or the other forever. Whereas, with the lesbians, it could be a mood thing, can’t it? It could be a mood thing. “Spaghetti” is, I believe, the term. Straight until wet. [audience groaning and laughing] If you’re not laughing, you’re learning. And that’s great, too. Great to learn. We had a lovely lesbian couple in recently. They were sitting sort of front and centre. And I got chatting to them. And, you know, as well I might, I said, “Girls, what would it take to get you back on solids?” And one of the girls, quick as a flash, went, “12 inches.” I said, “Well, I could give you 12 inches… in three instalments.” Of course, the big question, at the moment, globally, is “Should gay men be allowed to get married?” And I’m a liberal. I say yes, as long as they find the right woman. I could have been gay. I failed the oral. Don’t neglect the balls. There’s a lesson. [chuckles] There is one sexual grouping that annoys me in society, one grouping. And it’s actually heterosexual men. It’s only been the last couple of years. 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. As a result of doing that show, I’m now associated with Rachel Riley. -And as a result of that… -[audience cheers] Well, this is the problem. I’ll be on trains, in bars, hotels, wherever I happen to be. Men will come up to me. They won’t even say hello to me. They’ll just come up to me and go, “Rachel Riley. I’d give her one!” “Well, she’ll be thrilled. How can we get in touch?” I mean, I get it. Rachel Riley is a very attractive woman. If she was my daughter, I’d still be bathing her. [audience exclaiming and laughing] True story. Um… But let’s be realistic. I’m 43 years of age. Rachel Riley is 28. I look at her and think, “Aw, if only you were ten years younger.” The thing that’s annoying about straight men, as well, it’s all about surface. Just about looks and nothing else. It’s never about her mind. And her mind is the extraordinary thing. She’s so clever. She’s like a walking, talking Stephen Hawking. She’s brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage ceiling. [audience exclaiming and laughing] Too soon? Fuck him. He was always shooting his mouth off. I think everyone’s here. Is there an empty seat there in the middle? You haven’t been stood up for a date, have you, madam? -No. -No? -It’s her carer. -It’s her carer? [audience laughing] Someone’s not getting laid tonight, but totally worth it, sir. Well played. -100% worth it. -[audience applauding] Good on you. I had great latecomers the other week. So, I think everyone’s here, but I had great latecomers the other week. So I was playing this venue, and it had a wooden floor. And this couple walked in about, you know, half an hour into the show. They walked in, and the lady had really clumpy shoes on. So as she walked in, it was, like, the loudest thing you’ve ever heard, as she walked in. And it really pulled focus, and they sat sort of front and centre. And so, I thought, “Well, I’d better say hello.” I said, “Well, how come you guys are late?” And the guy said, really aggressively, he said, “She’s pregnant.” Immediately, I’m on the back foot. I went, “Right. When’s it due?” And he went, “About nine months.” Fucking legend! Now some of you sent me text messages during the evening, and thank you very much. And some of you sent me text messages, and fuck you very much. I’ll show you what I mean. First one in. “Jimmy, are you disappointed that instead of being hung like a donkey, you laugh like one?” [audience laughing and applauding] [laughing] I really wish I didn’t laugh at that. Especially like that. “What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke? Your mum can’t take a joke.” “Can you stop dissing my dad? Thanks, Jesus.” Is that Andreas? Have you got an emoji of a church on your phone? Tragic. [chuckles] “Went to my daughter’s netball finals the other day! What a semi!” [laughing] “Hey, Jimmy. It’s mine and my boyfriend’s one year. Threesome?” Well, whose one-year anniversary is it? Where are you? Hello, how are you? Can I just have a look? Nah, I’ll be all right, thanks. [audience laughing] “What is your stance on midget porn?” Like a deep lunge. [audience laughing] Sorry, sir, we made eye contact. I really feel like we’re in this together now, mate. That’s tough on the hamstrings. “Please, can you take the piss out of my fiancée? She’s five months pregnant and ginger.” [audience laughing] [laughing] Where’s the ginger pregnant lady? Where are you? I’m not gonna take the piss. I’ll say to you what I say to all ginger women I meet who are pregnant. Well done! Well done. You tricked someone into fucking that! [laughing] “I became a proud dad today. My son is actually four, but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.” [laughing] There’s a ring of truth there, isn’t there? “He doesn’t do much. He can’t even kick a fucking ball.” “Hi, Jimmy. What would you do to make a wedding day stand out and be even more special?” Leave her at the aisle. Who’s getting married? Who sent me that? Who’s… You two are getting married? You are… I mean, I don’t want to be rude to you, sir. You seem like a lovely fella, but you are punching way above your weight. That’s unbelievable. How have you done that? Has she got low self-esteem or have you got money? What’s going on? You can’t see it, but this is… I mean, they’re like different species. This is… Well played, man, well played. Well, madam, I’ve got a tip for you. Or if you like, I could put the whole thing in. [audience laughing] [Jimmy laughs] She said yes, yeah? She hasn’t said much so far. You’re 100% sure she’s gonna marry you? [mouthing] She’s wearing the ring. She’s wearing the ring? Yeah, ’cause girls hate jewellery. I remember now. Fucking terrific. Well played. Go on, what else have we got? “My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said, ‘Son, that’s three schools this year. Maybe teaching isn’t for you.'” [audience laughing] [laughing] “Hey, Jimmy, what would be your advice for finding my friend David a girlfriend? Thanks.” Right, where’s David? Hey, David. How are you, mate? [David] I’m good. And you’re looking for… How long have you been single? -Too long. -Too long? Not to worry. Do you like engineering students? Of course you fucking do. What do you think? [David replies indistinctly] You don’t… Sorry. “I don’t live in this country”? Sir, do you remember earlier when she was a student in this country, studying engineering? She’s giving all that up… not to be with you, but to make sure it doesn’t happen. That is a… What do you do? -I work in a gym. -You work in a gym? Okay. And do you… Do you know that you’re gay yet, or not? [audience laughing] ‘Cause I know this can be a tough way to find out, but I’ve got the super… I’ve got, like, the deluxe gaydar, and it turns out what you like is not that. You work in a gym, do ya? Hmm… Are you muscly? Why am I seducing a man now? This doesn’t seem… [laughing] I’m gonna try and sleep with him just to prove a point. Come on. Did any other single ladies see him and like the idea? -[women] Whoo! -You… I, well… That sounded like… I mean, I’ve also got “slagdar”. That… I mean, it might not be a relationship, but that will fuck you in half. What else we got? “Jimmy, I went to the gym last week, and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Anyway, she made a formal complaint, and I’m banned for life.” [laughing] It’s a shame that wasn’t a “he made a formal complaint.” That would’ve been perfect. [chuckles] “What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?” I don’t know, what is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? “I wouldn’t pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.” [laughing] The Lego Movie.” [audience cheering] “Don’t let them take the piss out of your clothes, Jimmy. That’s the best material you’ve got.” [audience laughing and applauding] So mean. Quite enough of that. [laughing] Thanks for those. My girlfriend gets annoyed by my loud chewing, but I don’t complain about the pubes in my teeth. It’s a joke! My girlfriend hasn’t got pubes. Yet. [audience laughing] If you only laughed when I said “yet”, you’re a bad person. There’s something you can get, gentlemen, if you have, or you perceive that you have, a small penis. It’s called an Audi convertible. Have you got an Audi convertible? She just gave you a look like something in the joke related to you. You’re saying it definitely wasn’t the car. Okay… [laughs] -What do you do for a living, sir? -I’m an osteopath. An osteopath. Okay. I mean, just say masseuse if you mean masseuse. Tired businessman away from home. Full of questions. Curious as to what an osteopath might do. And what about you, the other half? What do you do? -I’m his sister. -You’re his sister? [audience exclaims] Um, well, I don’t approve. You’re not the other half. You’re his sister. Okay. And you guys, you’re just out on a Saturday night… on a date. This is the worst Tinder has ever got it. It’s my birthday present. This is your birthday present? Well, I… Well, happy birthday. I can’t ask your age ’cause you’re a lady, but, um, how much do you weigh? Go on, what, what… Is it a big birthday? -Is it a big birthday, small birthday? -Twenty-three. Twenty-three? You’re so young. Well, look, why don’t we make it special? After the show, come backstage, and I’ll finger blast you. [audience laughing] It’s a joke. I’ll fuck her. All the teachers at my school were really strict. I remember every Monday morning, I had to give the deputy head. Now, I keep on getting asked, “Why aren’t there more female stand-up comedians?” It should be 50-50, right? ‘Cause the population is 50-50. Men and women laugh at the same things. We think of the same funny things to say in life. So it should be 50-50, the sort of proportion of comedians on stage. But it isn’t. And I was wondering why. I think it’s ’cause women have an ability that men don’t possess. Women have the ability to think of something funny to say, and then not say it. Because it might “hurt someone’s feelings” or be inappropriate. Well, men don’t really have that gear. What we’ve got is probably best described as Joke Tourette’s. If we think something might be funny, we are fucking saying it. Not later on, when everyone’s calmed down. Right fucking now. We could be at your mum’s funeral. “All right, luv, she’s not the only thing that’s stiff. Well, nothing ventured. She was already in a terrible mood. Lovely spread, she’s got a face on. There’s no pleasing some people.” My Joke Tourette’s occasionally gets me into, like, proper trouble. Have we got any police in? Any police officers? -[woman] Whoo! -Oh, there’s one over there? Look, I got stopped speeding. Not the worst thing I’ve done. Face facts. So I got pulled over for speeding, right? And the police officer came round to the window of the car and did the usual thing of going, “Do you know how fast you were going?” I said, “I’m sorry, Officer. Clearly too fast. I’m so sorry.” Couldn’t have been nicer and more middle class about the whole thing. And he went, “Eighty-eight miles an hour!” And I said, “I was trying to get back to 1955.” Three fucking points on my licence. Would you have let me off? -[woman] No! -No? What, you think 88’s too fast to be doing in a 30 zone during the day? In my defence, I was fucking hammered. I hate oversleeping, waking up and suddenly realising, “Ah! I’m in the wrong lane!” Must be tough being an air hostess. Their ears must pop all the time, what with sucking the pilot’s cock so hard. Joking. I’m sure they get used to it. PC thinks it’s helping, but I’m not sure political correctness really changes anything. Because of political correctness, you’re not meant to say “air hostess” any more, are you? You’re meant to say, if it’s a woman, “sky waitress”, and if it’s a man, “homosexual”. Doesn’t really change anything. I joke a lot about sexism and misogyny, just because I view them as ridiculous, sort of, risible things in our society. But when you hear a story about someone being actually sexist, it blows your mind that people could be that ignorant. I heard a story recently. I was flying to New York, and I got chatting to the flight crew. They told me what had happened the week before. I’ll tell you the story. So, you know when the pilot does the little Tannoy announcement at the beginning of a flight? He does the little, “Hello, I’m your captain, Jonathan, and we’re flying at 38,000 feet to New York today.” And you’re sitting there, flicking through a magazine, thinking, “Couldn’t give a fuck who you are. And I know where we’re going. It says it on the ticket.” You don’t get that anywhere else, do you? You don’t get that in the back of a taxi. “Hello, my name’s Eric, and we’re going to your house.” “Wind your neck in, Eric. Drive the car.” So, on this occasion, it happened to be a female pilot. So it was, “Hello, my name’s Sharla, I’m your pilot today, and we’re flying at 38,000 feet to New York.” And this guy on the flight undid his seat belt, got up, got his hand luggage down from the overhead, and started walking down the aisle. So the cabin crew are having a little hissy fit. They said, “Sir, you’ve got to sit down. We’re about to take off.” He said, “No, I’m getting off.” They said, “What’s the problem?” He said, “Woman driver.” What a fucking lunatic! It’s not as if she had to reverse it into New York. [audience laughing] I don’t know about you, London, but I get terrified flying at the best of times. ‘Cause you never know how reliable or durable the condom in your stomach is gonna be. Do you all listen to the safety announcement when you fly? -[audience] No! -You’ve got to! Otherwise, you’re not gonna know where your whistle is when a maniac blows you out of the fucking sky. [whistling] “Take that, ISIS!” [whistling] [audience cheering and applauding] For all the fucking good it does, the crash position might as well be that. “Hope we don’t die.” Doesn’t matter. I mean, the bad news is, when a 747 crashes or blows up, everyone dies. The good news is you don’t have to listen to the safety announcement. There’s really no point. You’re never in a bar the night after a plane crash, with a friend, going, “It’s awful, isn’t it? Did you read about that? Three-hundred people. What a terrible thing. What an awful way to go. How shocking.” Someone at the bar never goes, “Plane crash? Couldn’t help but overhear. Yeah, I was in one of those. Nah, I was fine. Thank you. Well, no, ’cause I was sat like that. So the fireball went round me. The guy next to me, though? Decapitated. It’s his own fault, really. He had the tray table down. What was he hoping for? No, no, at 3,000 miles from land. Right in the middle of the Pacific, yeah. No, they found me straight away, about ten minutes. How?” [whistling] [audience applauding] Has anyone ever made the right amount of pasta? That’s my little toe in the water of observational comedy. I’m not really sure if it’s for me. Obviously, if I was any good at observational comedy, you know, I’d probably get five minutes of fun out of that. [inhales sharply] You’re on your own. Is anyone here gluten-free? [scattered cheers] You’re gluten-free? Fun fact for you. It is possible to be gluten-free and shut the fuck up. No one cares. [laughs] I don’t like spending too much time with my girlfriend’s family because her husband is getting suspicious. My girlfriend was in the park doing one of those “race for life” things. When I say “race for life”, she was fleeing a rapist. It’s how we met. I tend not to get heckled that much any more. I used to get heckled a lot. -I kind of– -[loud noise] [audience laughing] [laughing] That was properly Tourette’s-y. Well played. People with Tourette’s, what makes them tick? [audience gasps and laughs] But genuinely, I like it when people join in at shows. I got the best heckle of my career last year, at someone else’s show. I went to see another comedian up in Edinburgh, my friend Nick Helm, and I got heckled at his show. That is not what should happen. That is what happened. And I was sat at the back. It’s about 200 people in the room. I was sat at the back, trying to stifle my laugh. I’ve got a weird laugh. I laugh on an in, not an out. So instead of going “ha, ha”, like a normal human might, I go… [laughs] It’s weird, right? [continues laughing] It’s a weird, honking goose of a laugh. [laughing] But if I know I’m gonna be laughing, and I knew I was gonna be laughing at my friend’s show. So I was sat at the back, and I was kind of repressing my laugh. I was… Closed mouth, and sort of keeping it locked down. I was… [stifled laughter] It sounded like someone had smuggled in an owl. [stifled laughter] But there I was for the first 20 minutes, just sat at the back very quietly… [stifled laughter] About 20 minutes into the show, he did a song on stage, and I found it hilarious. I had a proper, full-on laughing fit. Like proper… [laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] It sounded fucking mental. It sounded like a seal getting finger-blasted, is what it sounded like. And Nick just stopped the show… and went, “All right, Jimmy? I don’t laugh when I come to see your shows.” Well, with that in mind, why don’t we have a proper heckle amnesty. If you would like to have a heckle, this would be the ideal time. -Not– -[man] Wanker! [man 2] You look like you fucked a pig! I look like I fucked a pig? Do I still owe your mum money? Is she annoyed, is she? [audience cheering and applauding] There you go. Sorry, ma’am, I haven’t got any coins on me. -[man] My partner thinks you’re too crude. -Your partner thinks I’m too crude? So she’s been brought along to the show and it’s not really for her? Are you going to make it up to her somehow later on? Yeah. Maybe pop a thumb in her ass while you’re fucking her? [Jimmy laughing] Madam, you can’t sink down any lower in that seat. That is as low… That’s as low as that… [whimpers] [laughing] [man] When does the comedy start? When does the comedy start? -[audience booing] -It’s a classic. It’s a classic heckle, right? What’s your name, sir? [man] Rack! Like shoe rack? You’re called Rack? Where are you, Rack, up there or down there? Loving your work, Rack. It’s one of those things. If you don’t think the comedy’s started, you’re right. And if you think the comedy has started, you’re right. ‘Cause it’s a very individual thing, isn’t it? And if the show’s not for you, it’s not for you. I feel bad if you paid all this money to come and see me, and you don’t think it’s funny. You’ve had a disaster. But I suppose, Rack, you have learnt a valuable lesson. You’ve learned life’s not fair. You pays your money, you takes your chance, sometimes it’s a good show, sometimes it’s not for you. But I’ll give you another example, Rack, so you haven’t had a wasted evening. At least you’ve learned something. Another example of how unfair, Rack, our society is. Let’s say, if a man… You or I, sir, let’s say, if a man sleeps with loads and loads of women. What is he? He’s a stud, he’s a player, he’s admired in our society. That isn’t an opinion, that’s fact. If a guy sleeps with loads of women, he’s a player, he’s a stud, he’s admired. But if a woman sleeps with loads and loads of men, she’s called Rack’s mum. [audience laughing and applauding] [cheering] I’m fairly… It’s all right for me to say that ’cause Rack’s mum’s not gonna be here, is she? Saturday night? You’re having a laugh. It’s her busiest evening. She does a special two for one. This sort of stage on a Saturday night, I imagine Rack’s mum looks like a plasterer’s radio. [audience laughing] What was that, Rack? [Rack] Your face is like a 42-inch widescreen TV! My face is like a 42-inch widescreen… TV? In that… -[Rack] It’s very wide! -It’s very wide? [stammers] Okay. Um, I’ve just… I’ve just said that your mum’s a prostitute. And… And you just said, “Your face is wide.” I don’t… Rack, I don’t… I’m not sure if you know how this works. I’ll tell you why it’s wide as well. [babbles] All that, it’s… It… [Jimmy laughing] Aw, bless him. Um… Any other heckles? Should we do one more? [man] How about a heckle not involving mothers, girlfriends, or sex? A heckle not involving girlfriends, mothers, or sex. Well, where are you from, sir? Let’s do one. [man] Canada! You’re from Canada? So you’re an American, but you’re not armed. [audience laughing] Ah… Aw, well, Canadians are always… Whenever I meet a Canadian, they always explain to me, “No, I’m not an American.” I get the same thing with New Zealand and Australian people, they sort of go, “No, I’m not Australian. I’m actually from New Zealand.” I think they’re mistaking me for someone who gives a fuck. Are there any Australians in? [scattered cheers] Well, welcome back. You’ve paid your debt, you’ve returned to the scene of the crime. [laughing] [gasps] Someone over there. Hello. [chuckles] Who the fuck is that? Hello, who? The Shining? [Jimmy chuckles] Steadicam, I love… Fucking hell. Look how my ego’s gotten out of control. Who… Are you filming him? I mean, I don’t want to be a dick about it, but I feel like the action’s really up here. You’re just filming a fat dude in the second row. Okay, fine. [man] Oh! What do you mean, “Oh”? He’s got a mirror in his house. He fucking knows. He’s all right. [applauding] [Jimmy laughing] -So… -[man] Oi, you posh twat! [audience gasps] Oh! Well, a fun fact for you. Your girlfriend’s got two cunts. She’s sat next to one of them, isn’t she? [audience laughing and applauding] I’m sorry. I called you a cunt there. I’m terribly sorry. I’m sure you don’t have the depth or the capacity to give pleasure. [audience gasping and applauding] I went to a proper showbiz party recently, and Brad Pitt was there. And they say, “Never meet your heroes”, but I think Brad handled it really well. A lot of people think cooking your partner a meal is the most romantic gesture you could make. The least romantic gesture, if you’re interested, is this. On my birthday… I’m a very lucky man. On my birthday, my girlfriend likes to wake me up with oral sex. Last year, I nearly suffocated. No, last year, on my birthday, my girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, genital warts. You can tell a lot about a woman from looking at her shoes. For example, if they’re behind her ears, she likes you. When a man changes his status on Facebook from “single” to “in a relationship”, I think it should say, “under new management”. Now, some couples… Are there couples in? Give a shout, all the couples in the room. [audience cheers] -Loads of… -[woman] Whoo! Sorry, mate. That’s sort of rubbing it in, isn’t it? [laughing] There are some couples who are very free and easy with their bodily functions. They don’t mind their partner being in the bathroom while they’re taking nature’s call of a morning. Their partner could be brushing their teeth while they’re taking care of business. I think we all know what I’m saying. And there’s a name for those people. They’re called… fucking animals. You disgust us. I’ve got some advice for the men in the room. Okay, I’m gonna keep this simple ’cause men are inherently simple creatures. Gentlemen, I’ll just say it. Gentlemen, never say “fanny fart”. It’s a good example of your Joke Tourette’s. Not everything in life needs to be a little joke. Actually, a lot of ladies are very self-conscious when they do a muff puff. The last thing they want is you making a joke about their massive cunt grunt. Embarrassing Bodies? -[audience] Yes! -It’s a fabulous piece of television. Embarrassing Bodies? So, we play a game in our house. Embarrassing Bodies with their medical problems before seeing the doctor, we pause the TV and try and guess what is up with that. So this girl, this 18-year-old girl, pretty little thing, Embarrassing Bodies. We pause the TV and try and guess what the problem might be. We could’ve been there all week, we wouldn’t have got it. She was having surgery on her nuni. On her vajayjay, her twinkle cave. Her peachy pocket. And the thing was, there was nothing the matter with her cunt. Perfectly healthy piece of equipment. She was having, get this, cosmetic surgery on her vagina. And me and my girlfriend paused the TV. We went, “Well, the world’s gone mad.” That isn’t a medical problem. That’s a psychological problem. If anything, that’s a societal problem. That a girl’s self-esteem could be that low at that tender age that she feels she needs to go under the knife in order to live up to some idealised version of what she thinks her genitals should look like ’cause she’s seen something online. That’s crazy. That’s body dysmorphia. And they shouldn’t be facilitating that kind of madness on what is normally a very socially responsible show. -[man] Yeah! -Yeah. So we unpaused the TV, and as soon as we… It’s a very visceral programme. So they cut back to a close-up of her most intimate lady garden, bathing suit area. And both me and my girlfriend agreed. We both said, “Well, that needs fucking fixing! It’s like a badly packed kebab. [audience gasps and laughs] Who has garlic mayo and chilli sauce? What the fuck?” I thought I’d never seen one I didn’t like. She had a fanny like a kicked-over trifle! Apologies to any ladies in with… fannies like kicked-over trifles. It’s quite rough from here on in, people. Strap in! Are there doctors in? I know there’s nurses. Are there doctors and nurses? Give us a shout, all of you. -[scattered cheers] -Quite a few of you around. The thing that impresses me about doctors is not what should impress me. It’s not the fact that they can save lives. That’s what should impress me. No. What impresses me about doctors is their ability not to recoil in terror. Doctors look at stuff every day. They look at stuff and they go, [sniffs] “Oh, that’s a bit… It’s a bit whiffy. It’s a little bit gamey. Oh, oh… I can… I can smell that in my eyes. We’re gonna try and help you with that.” Ooh… Whereas you or I would go, “Why the fuck are you showing me that, you monster? Throw yourself off something!” I asked a doctor recently, I got chatting to this doctor. [chuckles] I said, “What’s the thing that’s made you want to recoil in terror the most in all your years of doctoring?” Right? And I thought he’d have to think about it. Straightaway, he came back. He went, “A 95-year-old vagina.” [audience groaning] I said, “I’ve seen one of those. It was on a 30-year-old Scouse girl.” It’s not the years, it’s the mileage, innit? [laughs] Oh, if you’re watching this in America, for “Scouse girl”, read “New Jersey”. I’ve got a question for everyone in here. Who here has had bad sex? [scattered shouting] Who’s not saying ’cause they’re with the person they had the bad sex with? Have you ever had a girl cry during sex? That’s a weird thing. I suppose women are more emotionally engaged with their physical being. That or the balaclava scared her. Should we talk about the weird shit people do sexually? -[audience] Yes! -Correct. We shall. My ex-girlfriend used to like to be choked during sex. I’m 90% sure. We only tried it once. If anything, I was too good at it. Have you all heard of the donkey punch? [audience] Yeah! The donkey punch is where you’re having the fun, Greek-style bum sex anal action with a lady, yeah? And just as you’re about to finish, nut, ejaculate, come, we’re all clear. Just as you’re about to… [clears throat] You, um… You punch her in the back of the head. Now… Now I know that sounds cray-cray in a bad way, but hear me out. Any medical professional will tell you, when you punch someone in the back of the head, all the sphincters of the body, of which your bum is one, all the sphincters are on lockdown. They all go, “Whoa! The fuck was that? Whoa!” It’s like a submarine locking off compartments. “Whoa! No one in, no one out. What the fuck? Whoa!” That “whoa” is a very fun way to end proceedings. Now obviously, you don’t have to punch your partner in the back of the head to get that kind of result. How long have you guys been together? Five years? So, a long-term, loving relationship. Congratulations, guys. So, sir, just turn, look your partner in the eyes and say, “Look, later on, when I’m fucking you in the ass, would you mind clenching the sphincter of your anus just as I’m about to ejaculate?” Just have that conversation now. Just… Away you go. [pops lips] You’re right not to, sir. You’re 100% right not to. It’s… Even after five years in a loving relationship with a beautiful woman, it’s still too awkward a conversation. Take your chances. I don’t know much about women, but I know this. It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission. The seagull? You all heard of the seagull? It starts well and ends horrifically. There’s a pattern emerging here, I’m sure you realise. So this is where you’re making love to a lady on the beach, yeah? So everyone’s melted away at the end of a lovely summer’s day. And you find yourself under the moon and the stars on the beach. So far, so good. You decide to be spontaneous, and make love to your partner. Fantastic. The seagull is where you whip it out, pop it in the sand, and then stick it back in. [audience exclaims and groans] I know! It’s called the seagull because she goes… [mimics seagull] Have I missed any? What other kind of craziness have we heard of? [scattered indistinct shouting] -What? Was that “angry pirate”? -[man] Yeah. Angry pirate. Well, that’s… Okay, that’s when a lady’s going down on you, and you decide, “I’m not having enough fun. I need more fun in my life.” So just as you’re about to finish, you pull out and come in her eye. Not eyes. Eye. Singular. It’s like a trick shot. And then as she gets up to deal with that situation. “What’s going on there?” You then kick her in the shin. And what you’re hoping for is the, “Ar, ar, ar…” of the angry pirate. What other sexual weirdness have we heard of? [man] Spider-Man! The Spider-Man is a thing. So, that’s fairly vanilla. That’s when you’re behind a lady. That’s key to the operation. You’re behind the lady, and you’re working your magic. And then you… She’s facing that way. That’s key. You pull out, catch. Women are inquisitive creatures. She’ll want to know what’s going on. “What’s happening back there?” “Spider-Man!” There’s a Spider-Man, there’s also a Superman. The Superman’s where you come across a lady’s shoulder blades, grab a sheet, pop that down. And then you’re hoping when she gets up, she has a cape. So, there’s Spider-Man, Superman. There’s also a Batman. I was doing a show the other night, and a bloke went, “Batman!” I said, “What’s the Batman?” He went, “Kill her parents.” [audience laughing] Teenage boys masturbate a lot. Nothing to be ashamed of. When I was a teenage boy, I had a sock called the Dream Catcher. We’re all familiar with the danger wank, yes? Very much the preserve of the teenage boy. It’s where you’ve taken matters into your own hands. Some hand-to-gland combat. You’re knocking one out, having a wank. But you don’t just want the sexual gratification, you also want a frisson of excitement. Some adrenaline pumping through your veins. So mid-wank, you call for someone in the house you do not have a sexual relationship with, and then try and finish said wank before they arrive. The classic, of course, “Mum! Mum!” And then try and… I mean, obviously, it could end in tears. You could end up glazing your mum like a doughnut. [audience groans and laughs] Shall I just leave the phrase “glazing your mum like a doughnut” hanging in the air? I’ve looked at so much Internet porn, the virus my computer has is HIV. We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently, and my girlfriend said, well, some of you may share the sentiment. She said, “I don’t get porn. Why would I want to watch two people have sex?” I said, “Two? People? Now you’ve lost me.” Has anyone here ever looked at porn online? [scattered cheers] Oh, really? About 15 people? Well, what a statistical anomaly you are, London. So I was looking at some gentlemen’s special interest material recently on the Internet, and this ad popped up for a penis-enlargement cream. I thought, “Well, I’ll read on. I’m not buying a fucking Audi.” Um… Basically it said, “Rub this cream on your penis and it’ll get bigger.” I thought, “Well, I’ll stop you there. Rub your penis without the cream, it’ll get bigger.” That is the nature of rubbing and penises. They bloody love it! Second thing, if this stuff actually worked, wouldn’t the guy in the after photos in the advert also have massive hands? He did not. I got in trouble for a joke last year. Now, I don’t mind getting in trouble for a joke if it’s worth it. If it’s, like, a really edgy joke. I got in trouble for a joke that’s so mild. I said, “Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me. And I never thought I’d hear myself say that.” We got, like, 50 letters of complaint from the National Association of the Deaf. And what I wanna know is, who told them? I said I was sorry. Would they listen? I got talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours. We just clicked. Fucking anthropology jokes. I’ve got it all. [laughs] I was gonna give you some advice, ladies and gentlemen. Little bit of advice. If you get bitten by a dangerous dog, like a Staffordshire bull terrier, any dog whose jaw locks when it bites you, what you’re meant to do is stick a finger… How can I put this politely? Up the ass. Now, key thing I was not made aware of, it’s got to be the dog’s ass. Can’t just be a passer-by you like the look of. Or your own. Sharks. Sharks are twice as likely, twice as likely to bite a woman as a man. So, gentlemen, if you’re swimming with a woman, and you see a shark, here’s what you do. You punch it as hard as you can on the nose, and you throw it towards the shark. Here’s some advice. Women aren’t meant to go camping when they’ve got their period, because what’s the point in taking you if you’re not gonna fuck us? [audience exclaiming and laughing] It’s a joke. They’re actually worried if you’re menstruating and you go camping, you might attract a bear… and then bite its fucking head off for no good reason. It’s basic bear safety is what it is. Basic bear safety. [audience cheering and applauding] That is, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much my show. Oh, there is a collection after the show. It’s not a charity thing. It’s not for my taxes. We’re actually raising money for a sex change operation for my brother. I don’t want to go into too much in the way of detail. Suffice it to say, it is the ultimate practical joke. He’s going to wake up the day after his stag do, with a terrible hangover and amazing tits. It’s gonna be huge. Now, should we… It’s that sort of stage of the evening. It’s late on, right? -Should we try some rough stuff? -[audience] Yeah! If you drink or smoke during pregnancy, you can lose the baby. It’s worth a shot before you splash out on another abortion. -[audience laughing] -[scattered] Oh! Don’t give me the “oh”. I’m not made of coat hangers, am I? [audience gasping and laughing] That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people that thought that was funny and then there are good people. Um… I get away with murder in jokes. I think ’cause they’re so clearly jokes. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Possibly a “ooh”. But it’s so clearly a joke. It’s not an opinion. I’m not trying to change your mind about anything. I’m just trying to make you laugh. But actually, my dirty secret is, sometimes, when I’m at home writing jokes of a day, I look back at what I’ve done, and I’ll just go, “Well, that isn’t transgressive, or taboo, or edgy. That’s just wrong. That’s just 100% wrong.” And then, another bit of me, quite a big bit, goes, “Yeah, funny though.” If we’re gonna be fancy about it, it’s cognitive dissonance. It’s two opposing thoughts in my head at the same time. I think, “It’s wrong. It’s funny.” Is it okay to say something that’s 100% wrong if it’s funny enough? [audience] Yeah! Well, you say that, but it’s not like 100% wrong where you’ll go, “What are you like? Cheeky!” You’re much more likely to go “ugh”. -Shall we give it a go? -[audience] Yeah! Okay. If I was to say to you… It’s about language being boring, if it’s about anything. If I was to say to you I was with a girl, and she was really aroused. Well, firstly, you might be surprised. Secondly, bored. That is a boring way of speaking. “I was with a girl. She was really aroused.” Boring. But if I was to say to you, “I was with a girl. She was wetter than a spastic’s chin!” [audience laughing and applauding] That’s the only difficult thing about doing comedy, is to know where to draw the line, right? It’s difficult to know where to draw the line. I’ve got a friend of mine whose father has Parkinson’s. And I was chatting to him and his father. I was round at theirs, having tea, and they asked, they said, “Well, what can you joke about, and what can’t you joke about? Would it be okay, for example, to joke about Parkinson’s?” And I was like, “Mmm…” [audience laughing] It’s quite funny when I say it. When his father tried to retell that joke to his mum… Ha! [audience gasping and laughing] I’d like to end the evening this evening Charlie Hebdo. I don’t know if you’re aware of them. They have a satirical magazine in France, and they tell jokes. And because they tell jokes, some people that couldn’t take a fucking joke shot them. It’s terrible. I’d like to do a joke in solidarity with those guys. -For the end of the gig. Yeah. -[audience applauding] Whenever I see footage of a mosque… Can anyone else feel a tension in the room? Whenever I see footage of a mosque… This one’s also for you, Andreas, the Christian. I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender. I don’t care who your imaginary friend is. I think it’s all pretty fucking risible. Whenever I see footage of a mosque on the news or in a documentary, everyone bowing their heads to pray, Guess Who? And someone’s just said, “Does he have a beard?” [audience laughing] [applauding] Listen, I’ve been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. [audience cheering and applauding]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Stewart Lee: Stand-Up Comedian (2005) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-standup-comedian-full-transcript/

Recorded on 10 March 2005 at The Stand, Glasgow Pre-show music: ‘The Breath of Coldness’ by Evan Parker Stewart appears. Music changes to ‘Mr. Lee’ Stew invites four people onstage. He gives them party poppers and tells them to explode them on his signal. They do so and return to their seats, leaving stew alone at the mic, a few strands of party streamer draped over his head. So, on September the 11th, 2001 … I was actually on holiday, right. That seems distasteful now. But I wasn’t to know at the time. You know, I didn’t plan it. The holiday, I mean, not the attacks. And I was actually in the city of Granada in southern Spain, right. It’s an interesting place. Granada was kind of the last point of Muslim occupation in medieval Europe. It’s still a very mixed city – lots of mosques, lots of churches, lots of Arab Spaniards and white European Spaniards, all getting on fine. And I was walking around there on nine-one-one – the 9th of November, reclaim the calendar, we invented those dates – I was walking around there on the 9th of November, nine-one-one, and I went into, er, a little Spanish bar. And on television there was all this film of buildings on fire, and things falling down, and people running and screaming. And I said to the barman, ‘Where’s that?’ – in Spanish, ‘¿Dónde está?’ And he said, ‘Nuevo Yorica.’ And I thought, ‘Oh, it’s in Colombia or somewhere, it doesn’t matter.’ And then I watched for a bit longer, Glasgow, and I realised that it was New York, where English-speaking people live, and therefore a terrible newsworthy tragedy. And I don’t know if you remember, do you remember the planes, flying into the, yeah, the World Trade …? ’Cause we got that on the news in London, I don’t know if you had it here. And … I don’t want to make any assumptions, you know … Um … So I was watching that in this, this Spanish bar. And then George Bush came on the television news, and he said, ‘We are gonna get them folks what done this.’ And that annoyed me for two reasons. One, because it was grammatically inaccurate. And secondly, ’cause you could already see the terrible kind of cultural fallout of what this was going to mean. There was suddenly a horrible tension between the Arab Spaniards and the white European Spaniards in this previously happy bar. And after a while, I, I couldn’t stand the tension any more, so I went into the Gents to do a wee, and, er … A couple of people over there sniggered at the word ‘wee’. That’s fine, I know this is a tense subject to open with and I’m, I’m happy that the word ‘wee’ has helped defuse the atmosphere a bit. So … So I was standing there in this Spanish bar on the 9th of November doing a wee … out of my cock … and … and it was yellow … and smelt of wee. And while I was doing it, this thing happened that happens when you get a bit older, where, when you kind of release the pressure on the front sphincter, the, the, the back sphincter kind of loosens off of its own accord, you know. While I was there, this Arab guy came, and he, and he, and he stood next to me but I didn’t make eye contact with him, ’cause I was embarrassed, er, about the wee. And world news events. But, you know, while I was there, ’cause I was a bit older the, the, the front sphincter slackened off, the back sphincter went of its own accord. And suddenly, a little fart came out, right. But it was only a really tiny fart, like the kind of fart a vole might do. Or Anna Friel. It was a fart that smelt mainly of hair and was comprised principally of ideas. But it was a fart nonetheless. And the Arab guy, he, he heard the fart. And he looked across at me. And I looked back at him. And he laughed. And then I laughed. And I realised everything was going to be OK. And then I went back into the bar. By now the situation was even worse, even more tense. The room had kind of split along racial, religious lines. There was a horrible tension in the room. And then suddenly Co-lin – Colin – Powell went on the television – we invented those names, his name’s not … he’s not Co-lin the Barbarian, his name’s Colin, he should be running a photocopier repair workshop – Colin Powell went on television on the 9th of November, Spanish bar, and he said, ‘We are gonna launch a crusade against them folks what done this.’ And being in a largely Muslim town, full of murals of crusaders cutting the heads off Muslims, you realise what an inappropriate word ‘crusade’ was to use on the 9th of November. It went down really badly. And as a, a world statesman, Colin Powell should be aware of how words change their meaning, culturally. Saying ‘crusade’ on the 9th of November, it’s a bit like if I were to get a job as a maths teacher, teaching maths in a German town somewhere near Belsen. And I was to say to the kids, ‘I’m going to set you a maths problem. I want you to work through it, and on the last page, fill in your final solution.’ You know, it would be received badly. And as a world leader, Colin Powell should be aware of these kinds of cultural shifts in language. But he said ‘crusade’ and it went down really badly with everyone in the room, so there was an even worse atmosphere than before. And then the Arab guy that I’d had my kind of moment of epiphany, of kind of human trust with in the toilets, he was standing just in front of me. And he looked across at me with these eyes full of hope, as if to go, ‘What are we going to do?’ And I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I couldn’t just do another fart at will. You know, I’m not a nineteenth-century French music-hall entertainer. I’m the opposite of that. In four main ways … there isn’t time to go into now. But … But someone went, ‘Aw,’ disappointed there. If you seek me out afterwards, I’ll clarify the exact position. But I knew I had to do something, so … It was my moment. So what I did was, I just kind of lifted my leg up like that. And I sort of acted it out. I went, ‘Ugh, fuck, smell, ugh, horrible!’ And he laughed. And the guys he was with laughed. Gradually the laughter spread all around the room. There was a critic from the Independent at the back not laughing. But he didn’t really get what I was doing, you know. It was a kind of mixture of the sacred and the profane, it just went over his head. But eventually everyone in the room was laughing. And I realised that with that one inane, puerile, scatological gesture I had achieved more for world peace than any politician had all day. ’Cause farts are funny, Glasgow, right? That is the international baseline of all humour, farts, right. And you can be as sophisticated as you like, Glasgow, but at the end of the day you have to admit farts are funny. And you go, ‘No, we don’t actually agree with you, Stew. I saw a hilarious, satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies, it was hilarious.’ Was it? Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn’t. ‘But I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend, Stew, satirising the government, with his voice going up at the start of the sentence and going down at the end. It was hilarious.’ Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn’t. And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines will be as funny as that. And I ran this show in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, right, in August and, um, every year in Edinburgh they have a prize for comedy, right, organised by Perrier – the Perrier Awards. Perrier of course owned by Nestlé, Nestlé top of the World Health Organisation list of unethical companies. It suggested that their milk-marketing policies contribute to the death of 1.5 million children every year. So every time you laugh at a Perrier-nominated act, a little baby dies. Bear that in mind. And every year in Edinburgh, they always give that award to comedy to a human being speaking about some stuff. But if they had any integrity, they would give the Perrier Award to the genuinely funniest thing that’s going to happen in Edinburgh all August, which is just going to be an old Scottish tramp doing a fart in a wood. But, Glasgow, if a tramp farts in a forest and no one hears it, is it still funny? Yes, it is. ’Cause it’s some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse. And if the Perrier had any integrity, which they don’t, they would give that Perrier award to comedy to a fart. And if Channel 4 had any integrity, which they don’t, they would sign up that fart for its own twelve-part Channel 4 comedy series deal. Some laughs, some doubt in the room. People going, ‘We’re kind of with you theoretically. We understand this is some kind of satire of something. But how would that actually work, Stew? An invisible cloud of shit-smelling gas with its own Channel 4 series?’ I don’t know, Glasgow, I don’t know. But what I say to you is, could an invisible cloud of shit-smelling gas with its own Channel 4 series be any less funny than The Friday Night Project? So the day after the 9th of November – which is the 9th of December, nine-one-two. Do the math … s … I flew back from Spain to Heathrow Airport. I got a minicab from Heathrow Airport to Stoke Newington, Hackney, north-east London, where I live. And on the way, I had to go past the Finsbury Park mosque, which you’ll know if you read the news is the kind of hotbed of Muslim radicalism in Britain, run by Abu Hamza until recently. That’s the guy who has an eye patch and hooks for hands. An eye patch and hooks for hands. That’s not a good look for a religious leader. It’s a good look maybe if you’re considering auditioning for extra work in the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean. But it’s not a good look for a religious leader. The Archbishop of Canterbury does not have an eye patch and hooks for his hands. He has a big festive Christmas beard in which robins might nest. And that helps us to take his pronouncements on the ethics of the family and modern society more sympathetically than we would if he had hooks for his hands. We’d be suspicious. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Only one hook! No, a woman there saying it’s only one hook. I think that it’s hooks for hands, I think he’s got two. But of course luckily the element of doubt’s been introduced here. Umm … I’m able to go away and check that. Er, if it’s factually inaccurate, I can remove it from this video … [male audience member heckles unintelligibly] … as I can everything you’ve said. So it’ll just look like a sixty-minute stream of uninterrupted success. Although, ironically, I may consider leaving this part in to give the illusion of it being a genuine event. What do you think of that, viewers at home? This is simultaneously dishonest, and yet also satisfying. But Abu Hamza of course, he’s in Belmarsh at the moment. He’s in the process of being deported to America, where he is guaranteed a fair trial. Irony there. One of the many comic tools we’ll be using tonight. So. So I was driving past the Finsbury Park mosque on the, er, 9th of December, the day after the 9th of November, and it was all kicking off outside. There’s Muslim demonstrators on one side of the street complaining about the reprisals they’ve suffered, police in the middle trying to keep order. And on the other side of the Seven Sisters Road, British National Party members standing near the Arsenal shop, their spiritual home. And they’re shouting out, ‘SEND THEM BACK! SEND THE MUSLIMS BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM! BRADFORD, WOOD GREEN, LEEDS, LIVERPOOL, MANCHESTER, BIRMINGHAM AND OTHER BRITISH INDUSTRIAL CITIES WHICH REQUIRED CHEAP LABOUR IN THE NINETEEN-SIXTIES AND SEVENTIES.’ And it looked, Glasgow, like there was going to be a full-scale religious race riot. And so I said to the minicab driver, ‘Stop. Let me out. I can help here.’ And I got out the minicab. I pushed through the British National Party blokes. I pushed through the police line. I pushed through the Muslim demonstrators. I ran into the mosque, some guy tried to get me to take my shoes off, I don’t know what that was about, there wasn’t time, I carried on through. It was a nice, hospitable gesture, but it was ill-timed. And I ran up the prayer tower to the minaret, where the call to prayer is broadcast out to the faithful of North London, and I snatched the little microphone out of the stand there, and I pulled down my underpants and I shoved it up my anus. And with a concerted effort of mental and physical willpower, I farted into it. But on that occasion, it didn’t really help. In fact, some eyewitnesses to the ensuing carnage were subsequently to suggest that it may have made the situation worse. And my heartfelt message of peace and goodwill to all men was misunderstood. Although I take some comfort in the fact that a similar thing often happened to Jesus. I’m not saying I am Jesus. That’s for you to think about at home. But if I was Him, this is the kind of place I would come, isn’t it? A simple, humble place. Not the Glasgow Empire, I’d come here. But I’m not saying I am Jesus. Not in the current climate. Erm … But I think there’s a kind of European smugness where we look at America’s hysterical overreaction to the events of the 9th of November and we go, ‘Thanks for that, America, thanks. You’ve set us off on a course of the destruction of world civilisation as we know it. Thanks for that. Thanks.’ But you mustn’t hate the Americans, right? America is currently the most hated country in the world. Americans don’t know that. They don’t read, or watch news. If they did, they would be unhappy. Osama bin Laden flew planes into the World Trade Center, it was a waste of time. If he’d really wanted to hit America hard, where it hurts, he should have carpet-bombed the country with a weapon that Americans would never be able to understand – world geography examination papers. Shops which don’t have the word ‘barn’ in their name. And the metaphysical concept of shame. But you mustn’t hate the Americans. Don’t hate them, Glasgow. Americans live in a kind of state of ignorant, prelapsarian bliss. They don’t know what’s going on. And because of that, it can be very relaxing to go to America and watch them. If you go to America and look at Americans in their natural habitat – er, the theme park, the shopping mall, the race riot, the high-school massacre – and you watch them walking around, looking at colours and shapes … and lights … and words … sometimes imagining what the words might mean … It’s very relaxing, Glasgow. It’s like watching carp in a pond in a stately home, er, their mouths opening and closing. It’s charming. But you mustn’t hate the Americans. They’re not a naturally curious people. Most Americans do not own passports. They’re not a naturally curious people. If you were to lock an American for sixty years in an empty underground bunker which contained nothing but a woolly tea cosy, the American would not even be curious enough to be tempted to see if the tea cosy would make a serviceable hat. They’re far more likely to arrest the tea cosy, intern it illegally in Guantanamo Bay, and then repeatedly anally rape it until such time that it admits that it was actually a member of an al-Qaeda training cell. Even though at the time of the alleged offence the tea cosy was actually working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton. Some laughs there, other people are a bit confused. ‘What’s he talking about?’ Right? OK, well, again, that’s a kind of bit of satire of the fact that some of the British citizens held in Guantanamo Bay were tortured into saying that they’d been in al-Qaeda camps, even though at the time they were supposed to be there, they were actually working as shop assistants in a branch of Currys in Wolverhampton. Other people I sense are going, ‘Yeah, we know about that. That’s not what’s confusing us. What’s confusing us here in Glasgow is the idea of a tea cosy working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys. How could that possibly work?’ And again, Glasgow, I say to you, I don’t know, I don’t know how that would work. But what I say to you is, could a tea cosy working as a shop assistant in a branch of Currys actually be any less effective than some of the people currently employed there? ‘Hello. I don’t know if you can help me. I’m interested in buying one of those iPods.’ ‘I’m sorry, sir. I won’t be able to help you, on account of the fact that I am fashioned entirely from colourful wool. Perhaps you’d like to ask one of my colleagues – the cardigan, the mitten, the balaclava helmet.’ And again, you’ll notice there a list of three things. Really they ought, comedically, to build. But the balaclava helmet was a disappointment. It didn’t get the laugh one would be hoping for there. Umm … And I knew that was going to happen, right, ’cause like I say, I ran this show in Edinburgh for a month last August. And I thought – I’ll be honest with you, Glasgow – I thought the balaclava helmet was going to get a big laugh. Ironically, I’ve been touring this. The only place the balaclava helmet did get a big laugh was in Aldershot, which is a military town, so they probably have a different relationship with it. But on the whole, people don’t find it funny. Now I was confused, because for me, the balaclava helmet is one of those inherently absurd items. I thought it would be a good topper there, but it never works. So the first kind of week of the run, the month run, I kept swapping the order around, I was going, ‘Perhaps you’d like to talk to one of my colleagues, the balaclava helmet, mitten, cardigan. Cardigan, balaclava helmet, mitten,’ whatever. And after weeks, still nothing … It never got any laughs. Then, after about ten days, um, one of my friends in the audience, the Actor Kevin Eldon, who you may remember from Channel 4’s Packing Them In in the early nineties – the best, the best work he did. And erm … I said to him, ‘Why do you think that isn’t working?’ And he said, ‘Well, the problem is, all the items in your list are made of wool. And the tea cosy has already said to the customer that it won’t be able to help him on account of the fact that it is made of wool. So for the tea cosy to suggest to the customer that he seeks assistance from other exclusively woollen items, you know it simply adds insult to injury, it makes the situation worse.’ So I said, ‘Yeah, I’d never thought of that, you know. What shall I do?’ And he said, ‘Well, just think of three things that aren’t made of wool and you’ll be all right.’ And I thought, ‘Yeah, I will, right, but I won’t write them down. I’ll come out every night and I’ll just make them up. I’ll exist in the moment. I’ll trust it to chance. I’ll improvise like Eddie Izzard … pretends to do.’ And … no! And, when you’ve tried to do it, you realise why he doesn’t. It’s hard. It’s hard to do. It’s much easier to just go ‘er’ in every sentence and give the illusion of spontaneity. And so … So I came out … let it go, let it go! … so I came out the first night, I went, ‘Yeah, perhaps you’d like to talk to one of my colleagues.’ And I said, you know, ‘The stick, the wood.’ And then I said, ‘The toaster.’ And again, there was no laughs. I thought, ‘Why’s that?’ And I went home, and I thought, ‘Yeah, the problem is the toaster is an electrical item and people are thinking, “Is that working in Currys or is it for sale there?”’ Yeah, but I was chasing the problem down. Basically, I realised I needed three things that were neither electrical nor woollen. Right. But it’s quite hard to think of that. Sir, think of a thing. AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Weather vane. Weather vane. AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: The act of cunnilingus. Weather vane. The act of cunnilingus. And … AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: A banana. What? AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: A banana. A banana. Weather vane, the act of cunnilingus and a b– … Well, admittedly, those are, those are quite good. They’re not electrical nor wool. And weather vane, banana – good. The act of cunnilingus is particularly good ’cause that takes us into an area where actual concepts, not just things and objects, are working in a shop. It’s certainly … I was in Aspen, Colorado, two weeks ago, in America. You beat them hands down. Their first two suggestions were a scarf and a kettle. Woollen and electrical, straight … Although, to be fair, this wasn’t the part of the set they liked least, you know? After the nine-one-one opening, a lot of the American audience had been shaken off in, in Aspen. If anything, arguably the New York warm-ups were worse. But … It’s weird, ’cause, ’cause about two weeks into Edinburgh, some kid emailed me and he went, ‘You know that bit you do about people being so bored they wear tea cosies as hats?’ I went, ‘Yeah.’ He goes, ‘Um, there’s a Spike Milligan or a Billy Connolly joke like that,’ he said, ‘from 1972.’ So, basically, I must have kind of remembered that and copied it. So that bit, the first half of it is plagiarised and the second half doesn’t really work. But I was making a number of crass generalisations about Americans there. I don’t really believe any of them and I did it for comic effect. And I don’t understand how anyone can have a kind of generalised view about another nation or race. I certainly don’t, and I think it’s because I’m, I’m different to a lot of you. I’m not necessarily better, but I am … I’m different. And I’m better, let’s face it. But … But … And I think it’s because I feel a little bit kind of removed from your human society, ’cause I’m actually, I’m adopted, I’m an adopted man … so I’m suspicious of notions of identity or nationhood. For example, I grew up thinking that I was English, right, but about two years ago I found out – and this is true – I found out that my real father is Scottish, right, which of course means that I’m Scottish, ’cause, as you’ll know, Scottishness is passed on through the male genes. Like a disability. And, er … it … it overwhelms all female chromosomes. And that’s why there are no Scottish women, are there? There’s no Scottish women. There are men in kilts, but that’s just nature trying to find its own level. And if a Scottish man wants to breed, of course, you have to travel south of the border. Normally, you get as far as a major English railway station, get off the train, lie down in a gutter, drunk, and hope some pollen lands on you. And … and I can say that, remember, because I … technically, I am Scotch. Yeah, Scotch, yeah. Genetically, if not culturally. But I think that, even though I grew up thinking I was English, I think I always knew that I was one of you, you know. ’Cause I’d go into school, Monday mornings, and people’d go, ‘Did you see the sport at the weekend, Stew? The brilliant sport that all men must like, with England winning in it? It was good, wasn’t it?’ And I’d go, ‘No, in fact it filled me feelings of revulsion and disgust.’ Then they’d go to me, ‘What about the rich tapestry, the tableau of English culture and history? Do you take no pleasure in that?’ And I’d go, ‘No. In fact, the whole notion of English culture just makes me feel kind of mentally, physically and spiritually bereft.’ And they’d go, ‘What about the English language, the tongue of Shakespeare, Shelley, Blake? Churchill? Does that not stir some residual national pride in you?’ And I’d go, ‘No. In fact, whenever I hear an English accent, I have to be physically sick.’ And I would hear my own voice answering their question and I would start vomiting as I spoke. So I hated, as a child, I hated being English. And yet conversely, I always harboured secret cravings for shortbread, offal and heroin. (You seem to like that.) You know, deep-fried heroin if I could get it. With sauce [‘soss’]. Heroin supper, £2.95. But … So … I think I always knew, Glasgow … I can hardly believe this is happening … I think I always knew that I was a Scotch man. And so I always knew, and … But … But … So … I think I always knew, Glasgow … I can hardly believe this is happening … I think I always knew that I was a Scotch man. And so I always knew, and … But … AUDIENCE: Scottish! Yeah, Scottish. Thank you for correcting me, sorry. Er … you know … it was an error I made on purpose for comic effect. And I’m glad that there’s so little trust in me in the room that people are going, ‘He’s a fucking idiot! He doesn’t know … He’s insane! What’s he talking about? He hasn’t done the most basic research.’ But … No … Even despite that, I always knew that I was Scottish … In my heart, in my brave heart, I always knew that I was. OK, shout out if you’ve seen the film Braveheart. You’ve all seen it, shout out. AUDIENCE: Yes! OK, now you’ll know more than any other audience I’ve played in the last three weeks that Braveheart is the shittest film ever made, right? It was. It was directed by the reactionary Catholic bigot Mel Gibson, and it’s full of basic, fundamental historical errors which insult your race, and mine by association. Right? Here’s … Here’s just three off the top of my head. Firstly, William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, he wasn’t some, you know, noble savage living in a mud hut, we all know that. He was a privileged, educated nobleman, right? Secondly, it’s not mentioned by Mel Gibson in the film, but there’s some evidence to suggest that he actually fought as a mercenary for the English as a teenager. That’s conveniently missed out. Thirdly, you know that French princess he’s supposed to have sex with? This French princess, in the film, you remember? And the implication is that he gets her pregnant and she marries Edward II of England, so it’s his kid. Now – she was a real historical figure, that French princess. But at the time of the death of William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, she was only four years old. Now, Glasgow, I’m not saying that William Wallace, Brave heart, your national hero, didn’t have sex with her … You know … He probably did. But if he did – and he did, he definitely did, right – it would have been a far less romantic scene than the one enacted by Mel Gibson in the film Braveheart. It may have happened in a tent, but it would still have been not a romantic scene. Because that would have made William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero, a paedophile. A Scottish paedophile. The worst kind of paedophile that there is. Coming at you … through a bothy … with shortbread on its face … muttering unintelligible sexual threats in a frankly incomprehensible dialect. Another weird thing about that film is, you know in it, like, um … Fine, leave at this point. Er … It gets, it gets worse. A man leaving there to go away and think about the idea of a paedophile Braveheart in the privacy of a toilet cubicle. Another weird thing about that film is that in it, if you remember, like, er, Mel Gibson makes a big deal about the fact Edward II, the English prince, was gay, right, as if not only did he oppress the Scots, but he did it in a kind of gay way, which makes it worse. But … the irony is, again, it’s not mentioned in the film that William Wallace, Braveheart, your national hero himself, was actually gay. And … No, he was, sir … And we know this from some information that’s come to light in the last couple of years. Firstly, about two years ago, they found a cache of love letters hidden in a nook at, er … at, er … Glamis Castle or somewhere. And the letters were exchanged between William Wallace and Robert the Bruce. And they were full of declarations – they were – they were full of declarations of love and details of their, of their sexual encounters, the very vigorous sexual encounters that they had. That’s one thing. Then, about a year ago, they found some, um, graffiti on, er, a wall … on an old Scottish wall, on the wall … on the wall of a broch, actually, which is… the Broch of Gurness, which is a real place in, er … the Orkneys. They found it there. And it said, um … The graffiti, which is real, it existed, it said, er … ‘I am a gay, signed William Wallace, “Braveheart”.’ And the ‘Braveheart’ bit was in inverted commas, so they knew that meant it was real. ’Cause it was like a fun nickname, you know, it was, like, real. So … Now … So, er … Wow, Braveheart, our national hero, was gay. And when – you know – when I was talking about this in Edinburgh in the summer, people were going, ‘Well, why didn’t we know about that, you know? Why …?’ And the reason is ’cause the graffiti and the letters were written in Gaelic, so it wasn’t translated. And people are going, ‘Well, why wasn’t it translated? That’s just the ancient language of our nation, of the Scots. Why wasn’t it translated?’ Well, it wasn’t. What Gaelic actually was, was a very kind of highly evolved form of medieval Scottish homosexual patois. And the clue’s in the name if you look at it, right. Gae-lich. That means ‘gae’ – homosexual, gay – and then ‘lich’ is language or tongue. So Gaelic is literally the language of gays. And … you know … I was booed off at the Assembly Rooms for saying this in Edinburgh. But it’s true. And I don’t think it’s … I think it’s really great that, that our national hero, er, William Wallace, was gay. Because Scotland’s always been a much more progressive, liberally minded kind of a nation that’s not afraid to show its feminine side. And I think that, um, compared to England, which is a very backward kind of bigoted place. And I think that it’s really good that as we enter the twenty-first century, one of your national folk heroes can embody a kind of progressive notion of sexual identity. I think that’s a really brilliant thing. And I wish that some of the English, er, folk heroes, like, er, King Alfred or, or Robin Hood or King Arthur had, had been gay. But … but they weren’t. And … it’s only William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish one, that definitely was gay. And of course another … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robin Hood, surely. Sorry? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Robin Hood, surely. Someone, er, said that Robin Hood was, surely … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Men in tights. And someone there saying ‘Men in tights’. But of course the ‘men in tights’ addition to the Robin Hood legend was made in the nineteen-eighties by Mel Brooks. The, er, facility to make those kind of tights didn’t exist in medieval England. If it had have done, maybe they would have worn them. I’m sure that a thin denier tight is, er, an ideal garment for medieval combat, offering as it does no protection whatsoever to the human leg. But … of course the other major inaccuracy of that film was that in the Middle Ages there was no such country as Scotland. Scotland was actually invented, as you all know, in 1911, by the McGowan sweet company as a way of marketing Highland toffee. Because of course, traditionally, we think toffee’s better if it’s manufactured at a high altitude. But again, I was making a number of kind of crass generalisations about, about the Scots, about my country there. And I don’t, I don’t believe any of them. Again, I did it for comic effect. But you do meet people who have very fixed notions about other groups of people. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. I got in, er, a cab in, in London in December, and about five minutes into the journey, a propos of nothing, early on a Sunday morning, the cab driver turned round to me and he said, ‘I think all homosexuals should be killed.’ Now, whatever you think of that, Glasgow, as a statement, you have to admit it’s a bold opening conversational gambit. You know, with a stranger. And I was a bit taken aback. I went, ‘Oh, why do you think that?’ And then there was a pause, ’cause he’d obviously never had to go to the next level of the argument, fraternising mainly with cab drivers, so … where that was just accepted as a point. No … And he said, ‘Well …’ after a moment, he said, ‘Well, because homosexuality is immoral.’ And I said – this is honestly true – I said, ‘Um, I’m not sure how much weight you can afford to place on the notion of morality in this argument, because morality’s not a fixed thing. It changes its parameters, culturally, historically, over time.’ I said, ‘For example, look at ancient Greece. To this day, we still take most of our most fundamental principles about ethics, aesthetics, er, philosophy, medicine, science, whatever from ancient Greece. And yet’, I said, ‘in ancient Greece, love between two men, far from being immoral, was actually considered the highest, most ethical, most profound, if you will, most moral form of love that there could be. So all I’m saying’, I said to him, ‘is I’m not sure how useful morality is, given its flexible nature, as a cornerstone of your argument on this subject.’ And then he said to me – this is honestly true – he said to me, ‘Well, you can prove anything with facts, can’t you?’ For a minute, I went, ‘Yeah.’ And then I thought, ‘Hang on! That’s the most fantastic way of winning an argument I’ve ever heard! “You can … I’m not interested in facts. I find they tend to cloud my judgement. I prefer to rely on instinct and blind prejudice.”’ And I came of age, for want of a better phrase, in the, in the nineteen-eighties when we had political correctness. And people look back at that and they go, ‘Oh, political correctness was shit, wasn’t it? Being fair to people.’ And I think, ‘Maybe it was good, ’cause people wouldn’t have said that, and you wouldn’t have had happen what happened in May last year, right.’ If you remember, er, Ron Atkinson, the football manager, he got in trouble for calling a black footballer a lazy, thick nigger. Right? And loads of people complained about it, understandably. And then on May the 17th, Jimmy Hill, the BBC-employed football commentator, came out in Ron Atkinson’s defence. And he said that, in his opinion, it was a load of fuss about nothing. He said, ‘What you have to understand’, Jimmy Hill said in the papers, 17th of May, ‘is that in the culture of football, calling a black man a nigger is just a bit of harmless fun.’ And I thought, ‘Call me old-fashioned … I mean, I know the culture of football has a very broad definition of harmless fun, broad enough to include carrying out a racial assault and still getting in the England team, er, gang-raping a teenage girl in a London hotel room, and yet perversely allowing Jimmy Hill to carry on living. But surely that can’t be the case.’ But Jimmy Hill went on to qualify his statement. He said that in his opinion, calling a black man a nigger was no more offensive than calling him, Jimmy Hill, ‘Chinny’, because he had a big chin. And again, I read that and I thought, ‘Call me a square from the past, but surely the word “nigger” is more offensive than the word “chinny”?’ Because the word ‘nigger’ comes with a whole weight of cultural and historical significance that is not really there for the word ‘chinny’. You know, there are not, um, there are not people standing for election now on the grounds that ‘People with big chins should be sent back to wherever they come from – Chinland probably, I don’t know, I haven’t done any research into it, obviously.’ And there were not vast swathes of humanity historically enslaved on the grounds that they had big chins. If there had been, all popular culture as we know it would be entirely different. There would not be a blues root underpinning all the late-twentieth-century popular music that you love if the Mississippi delta had been populated exclusively by disenfranchised ex-slaves with big chins … ‘Woke up this morning,   Got a big chin.   It’s not that much of a problem to be honest.   I won’t base an entire musical genre on it.’ And you don’t hear news reports saying, ‘A man was beaten to death in Hull last night. The violence is thought to be chin-motivated.’ Although in Jimmy Hill’s case I’d be happy to see an exception made. Kill him! Kill Jimmy Hill! But kill him in an ironic way! Break into the Natural History Museum, steal the jawbone of a blue whale, the largest chin currently known to science, and beat Jimmy Hill to death with it, in an example of what sociologists are already calling chin-on-chin violence. But we shouldn’t be surprised, Glasgow, to find out that Jimmy Hill is evil and mad, right, because all people that are involved in the business of football or play football or go and support it or watch it on television, or even know anything about it, are filthy, reactionary scum, right. Er … Take Gary Lineker for example, right. Gary Lineker is a twisted, evil man. You’re going, ‘No, he isn’t, Stew. He’s nice. He’s like a velvet owl.’ He isn’t, right? Gary Lineker is evil. Gary Lineker chooses to advertise crisps, right, and with the benefit of early-twenty-first-century super-science, we now know that crisps, rather than being a life-giving health food as we previously thought, make little children fat, and then they die. Right? Now, about six years ago, due to a tragic chain of events, I didn’t live anywhere for about four months. I had to sleep on the floor of an office in West London. And I ate mainly … I couldn’t cook anything, so I ate mainly crisps from the garage. And during that period, I put on about four stone. And someone said to me, ‘Do you not know that a single packet of crisps contains your full daily allowance of saturated fats?’ And I just thought that represented good value. It was Gary Lineker looking out for me. I trusted his velvet-owl face to look after me. And … But he chooses to advertise crisps. Why does Gary Lineker advertise crisps? He can’t need the money. He’s on television all the time, isn’t he, amusing us. His family run a fresh fruit and vegetable stand in Leicester market, Lineker’s Fresh Fruit and Veg. He could advertise that. He could help save human lives. But instead he chooses to advertise crisps. Why does Gary Lineker advertise crisps? It can only be that Gary Lineker is sexually aroused by the idea of obese children dying. Now … There’s one person clapping over there. Of course, remember, for a comedian, the only thing worse than no one clapping is the sound of one person clapping, ’cause it suggests you’re out on a kind of a limb. But to try and find out more about people who like football, I went on your internet, on your World Wide Web. And um … I went on Jimmy Hill’s website, which is real. It’s called, er, jimmyhill.co.uk, and there’s a guestbook there where you the public, that’s you, can leave your opinions. And, er, a bloke called Scott had been on it. Um. And um … I’m not allowed to read out what his actual email address is, but if you go there, you can find it. Erm, so, you know, do that. Anyway, he said … um, Scott says, in the guestbook of Jimmy Hill’s website, he says, ‘I agree with Jimmy’s views that Britain is rapidly becoming no more a land which is populated by genuine British people born here. Please don’t get me wrong,’ writes Scott, ‘I am no Nazi or xenophobe as the pressure groups or government would have you believe. I’m just someone who was born in this country and hates to see it going to pot now.’ And it would be easier to take Scott’s views seriously if he hadn’t spelt the word ‘xenophobe’ Z-E-N-A-P-H-O-B, which of course just means someone who has an irrational hatred of Japanese Buddhism. But it is easy, Glasgow, right, in the current climate of paranoia to make a kind of race-based error, right. I’ve done it myself. Er, I’ll tell you how it happened. I haven’t been doing this for a few years, and one of the jobs I’ve been doing is working as a kind of arts journalist, writing about stuff. And last year I was really excited, ’cause I, I got to interview Ang Lee, the Taiwanese film director, um, about the Incredible Hulk film that he’d directed. And I was really excited, ’cause I’ve read the Incredible Hulk comics since I was about, er, six years old and I still read them now. And I will take … To prove that, I will take any question on the Hulk from you now, to prove that. Any question … AUDIENCE MEMBER: What colour is he? What colour is he? Have you asked me that because you know that’s … there’s a more complicated answer, than you … AUDIENCE MEMBER: Er … no. No. OK, well … Bad luck, because he was, er … You want me to say he was green and everyone will go, ‘Aha, that’s funny.’ But actually, for the first, er, six issues of Astounding Stories in 1960 – there’s a man nodding there, with a T-shirt saying KILL EVERYONE NOW on it, the kind of person who knows these facts – um, for the first six issues, he was of course grey. Of course. Um … But because of the dot-printing thing, the colours all used to run together, so it came out a blur. So they made him green after the sixth issue. And he’s been green [sic] twice since then. Erm … once in a six-issue mini-series written by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale called Hulk: Gray. He was grey in that. That came out last … year before last. Available in hardback now. And um … he was also grey in the comic strip between about 1989 and ’94, when Peter David was writing it and he made him go in a nutrient bath and that made him grey. I’ve lost you now as well. I’ve beaten you. I’ve beaten you, with your KILL EVERYONE … No, you don’t claim to be an expert but you looked at me with a doubtful face, as if, ‘This is going to get him.’ But look, I know more about the Hulk than you, and I’m older than you. So! No, that’s fine. So, so I was really excited to, to interview Ang Lee about the Hulk, and um … ’cause he’d made the film. But, but when I interview, I try to make a little joke to put them at ease, you know. So I rang him up. He was in New York, I was in, er, London. And I said to him, ‘Ang Lee, you have directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ Then there was a long, embarrassed pause. And then Ang Lee said, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ And I said, ‘I said, Ang Lee … you have … you’ve directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But, erm, don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ And there was another kind of silence. And then Ang Lee said, ‘I’m sorry, can you repeat that?’ And I said, ‘There’s no need, it was just a stupid joke.’ And he went, ‘No. What did you say?’ And I said … ‘I said, Ang Lee, you’ve directed the Hulk film. You must be very excited and proud. But, erm, don’t make me anglee. You wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee.’ And he, he didn’t say anything. And I said, ‘I expect loads of people have made that joke to you.’ And he said, ‘No. No one’s ever said it before. Why did you say it? Why?’ And I said, ‘Well, Ang … You know the Hulk film?’ And he went, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘Well, in that, Bruce Banner – he’s the Hulk – he says, “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” And your name’s Ang Lee and you directed it. So I said, um, “Don’t make me anglee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee,” um, because “Ang Lee” sounds a bit like “angry”.’ And Ang Lee said, ‘No, it doesn’t.’ And I said, ‘Come on, Ang, be fair. “Ang Lee” does sound a bit like “angry”.’ And Ang Lee said, ‘No, it doesn’t. “Ang Lee” is a completely different word to “anglee”.’ And I said, ‘I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?’ And Ang Lee said, ‘Yes. “Ang Lee” is a completely different word to “anglee”.’ And I said, ‘I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make, Ang Lee, because what I’m saying, if you listen, is that “angry” sounds a bit like “Ang Lee”, so if you swap them round, people can see there’s a slight change, there’s some sort of joke there. Ang Lee … what you’re saying is actually the same word as “anglee”. If you swap those two words round, no one would notice the difference. It wouldn’t work. But that’s not what you’re … What you appear to be saying is that “anglee” is a completely different word to “Ang Lee”, but it isn’t. They’re the same thing. I can’t understand … It’s very simple, the joke I made. I can’t understand how you’ve got into this kind of fix. I never …’ And then he went, ‘Oh, I get it,’ he said. ‘Is this a joke about me having a Taiwanese accent?’ And I was mortified. I went, ‘No, it never even occurred to me that you would think that. It’s just a simple thing about the words, the syllables “ry” and “lee”, sounding the same. My own surname is Lee, I’ve had thirty-six years of fun with that syllable. I know what I’m talking about. I can’t see why you would begin to think …’ And he went, ‘No! You’re anti-Taiwanese.’ And I went, ‘I’m not. I don’t even know where Taiwan is. I’ve got no interest in it.’ Which made it worse, to be honest. And then he got, he got like a lawyer on from Universal, and I had to … Shouting at me, saying I was anti-Taiwan … I had to get my editor on from the paper to stick up for me … We ended up having this kind of four-way argument. It went on for ages. He was going, ‘You’re anti-Taiwanese,’ he was saying. My editor was going, ‘No, he isn’t, he has no history of anti-Taiwaneseness at all.’ And there was, like, this thing. And then Ang Lee started shouting at me about it. And I went, ‘Well, I can’t see what your problem is. Why don’t you just listen to the joke? It’s obvious.’ And then in the end he went, ‘Don’t make me anglee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m anglee!’ And I said, ‘You’ve proved my point, you fucking Taiwanese idiot!’ He said, ‘Don’t call me that!’ He got another bloke, an adviser. I had to get someone else on, the publisher. There’s like a six-way, two-hour debate going on. In the end, we argued for so long that Ang Lee missed his 2.30 dentist’s appointment. That’s the time he goes to the dentist, Glasgow! Don’t let him tell you any different. He doesn’t even need to write it down. They offer him an appointment card, he rejects it. He says, ‘I’ll remember it by thinking about my own pain.’ I’m going to shout out some questions now. I need you to answer loudly to them. The answer to most of them is yes. OK, one, two, three. Who likes alcohol? AUDIENCE: Yes! Louder! Who likes sweets? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes cream cakes? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their favourite food, whatever it is? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one. OK, here’s another one. Who likes, er, who likes, er, The Simpsons? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Spider-Man? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their favourite fictional character from their own childhood? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes their own beloved mother? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one again. OK, here’s another one. Who likes snowflakes? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes sunshine? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes the universal concept of eternal peace and happiness? AUDIENCE: Yes! Who likes Osama bin Laden? Yeah! Who likes Ben Elton? Oh, it’s no one again. It’s fucking weird, it’s weird. That is weird, ’cause I must have done that thirty or forty times, right, and every time, without any element of manipulation, more people like Osama bin Laden, a multiple murderer, than Ben Elton. I think why, why would more people like Osama bin Laden than Ben Elton? And I think it’s ’cause when you compare the two of them, compared to Ben Elton, Osama bin Laden has at least lived his life to a consistent set of ethical principles. ’Cause … Yeah, clap, let him hear you. So, er … ’Cause people hate Ben Elton, and every now and again a journalist has the courage to ask him why this is. I’ve seen it happen twice in print and once on Parkinson. Parkinson said to him, he said to Ben Elton, ‘Ben Elton, why do you think everyone hates you?’ And Ben Elton said – he did – and Ben Elton said, ‘Well, Michael, it’s ’cause in this country, people don’t like success.’ But he was wrong about that. The real answer is much more simple. It’s just that in this country, people don’t like Ben Elton. And they don’t hate him through the kind of conduit of the notion of success. They hate him entirely on his own terms, because of who he is and the bad things that he’s done. And I think if you’re my age, you can kind of understand why it is. ’Cause if you’re, if you’re over thirty-five, you’ll remember before Alternative Comedy, when you’d watch comedians, and it had no kind of relevance to you and you didn’t understand what they were talking about and who they were. And then The Young Ones came along, and all that, with Ben Elton, and you thought, ‘At last, something for us.’ Then, of course, over the years, Ben Elton’s changed. He’s worked with Queen, who were one of the British bands that broke the, er, cultural embargo on South Africa under apartheid. He’s worked with Andrew Lloyd Webber, who’s worse than that. And, er … And a song that they co-wrote was performed at the inauguration of George Bush. And when questioned about it, Ben Elton said he didn’t see it so much as a celebration of George Bush as a celebration of the President of the United States of America. But of course, they’re the same thing. That’s why that argument doesn’t work. But the problem is he’s kind of been compromised by proximity to, to success. And, and if you think about it, all the great comedians are kind of outsider figures, commenting on society from outside. Kind of holy fools, shaman clowns, outsiders. Spike Milligan was able to remain an outsider by virtue of having long-term mental-illness problems. Um … Bill Hicks has been able to remain an outsider because he died of cancer at the age of thirty-two. Michael Barrymore has been able to remain an outsider by becoming the subject of a murder investigation after a man was found dead in his pool. I admire Barrymore’s commitment to this abstract notion of the outsider shaman-clown figure. And I think it’s good … I think it’s great to be on this late at night in Glasgow talking about this idea. But um … But lately I have more sympathy for what we in the trade call Elton’s compromise. And … ’Cause … In the last few years I, I directed a, a show and it was, it was kind of a hit in the West End. And I had to meet loads of famous people on, on press nights and, um, and opening nights. I met, er, Bonnie Langford. Yeah. I met her twice. I met, er, the tall one from the Three Degrees, Sheila … something, her name is. And one night, I found myself shaking hands before I realised who it was, with Michael Portillo, right? I looked up. I thought it was the little wooden goblin from the Cuprinol advert. But it was Michael Portillo, someone whose policies I had marched against as a student, or would have done if I hadn’t been drunk. But theoretically … There was worse to come than Portillo. On June the 16th last year, I heard a rumour that Cherie Blair was going to come and see the show, right? And I thought, ‘Well, I hope that’s not the case.’ You know, I don’t want to have to meet her. ’Cause I’m one of two million Britons that marched against her husband’s war. I think it’s unethical. I think it’s going to come back and bite us in the arse and we’ll be in trouble about it for decades, once the dust settles. And I, I don’t want to have to be like some E-list celebrity New Labour apologist. I don’t want to meet her, no way. And then the next day, the woman from the public-relations company for the show rang me up. And she said, ‘I’ve got some great news, Cherie Blair is coming to see the show, and she wants to meet the cast and the creative team afterwards.’ And I went, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t do it. I’ve got … This is where I draw a line. You know. You d–,’ I said. ‘You don’t even want me in the building. If I’m there, I’m going to get kind of political Tourette’s syndrome and just do something like fly an anti-war banner off the stage, or make a speech at the end, or just do something to Cherie Blair that’ll wipe that … whatever that is … on her face. You know, make it go.’ And she said, ‘Well, that’s a shame, because … Does this change your mind?’ she said. ‘She’s not coming on her own. She’s coming with her guest, who is the president of Scope, the Spastics Society.’ Right, and this honestly happened. I was put in this weird position where you want to make some ineffectual gesture against Cherie Blair, but you don’t want to snub a person from a worthwhile charity, Scope. You know, so … I thought, ‘Well, I know what I’ll do. I’ll go down, and after the show I’ll say to Cherie Blair, “I hope you’re happy, Cherie. I hope when you look across at Tony every morning, you think of all those thousands of people killed in his war, and I hope you’re happy when you think of all those little kids in Baghdad and Basra with their arms and legs blown off, maimed, crippled for life.” Then I’ll turn to the woman from Scope, and I’ll go, “Maybe you can have a rummage around in one of your charity shops. See if you can find them some cardigans.”’ But in the end, I didn’t do that. What I did was, I said that I would go, and then I just didn’t. Yeah. But … We’re back talking about the war again. Last, last bit. And er … Like I say, there’s this kind of assumption I think from us here in Europe, where we look at, particularly in Britain, where we look at America’s hysterical reaction to the 9th of November, and we think, ‘Well, you know, that wouldn’t happen here. We wouldn’t do that, ’cause we’re reasonable, sensible people here in Britain.’ But we don’t have to look very far back in our own cultural history to see an example of us losing the plot as a, as a nation. And I’m talking of course about the death of Princess Diana, the late Princess of Wales. It was in the news again last summer because of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, which you’ll remember was a rubbish fountain. And fulfilled very few of the job-description criteria of fountains. But it’s ongoing, it’s ongoing. The story never goes away. I remember when she died, um, ’cause about two days before the state funeral, I went down to Kensington Palace where Princess Diana had lived to, to look at all the tributes left outside, you know. And in amongst all the bunches of flowers and sympathy cards, and poems little kids had written, and drawings and paintings people had done, whatever … in amongst all that, I honestly saw, and this is true, I saw a life-size inflatable model of E.T. It was honestly there, outside Kensington Palace, two days before the state funeral. And I stood there looking at the inflatable E.T. for some forty or fifty minutes. And I thought to myself, ‘How did that get there? Who would have thought that that was an appropriate gesture?’ And I imagined a household somewhere on that awful autumn Sunday morning, where perhaps the wife had woken up first, and she’d watched the news and she went through to her still-sleeping husband, and she said … ‘Please. Please wake u– … I need you to wake up and be with me now. There’s been a t– … Some terrible news. I need you to get up, come in the front room and watch it on the television with me, ’cause I can’t be alone. So please wake up.’ But you know, he’s asleep, he’s asleep. He’s going … [lying down, as though half-awake] ‘What? It’s fucking … It’s half past six on a Sunday morning. I am asleep. I know I’m speaking but I am asleep. I don’t want to get up. I’m asleep. So … just … I know you’re upset but just say what it is. What is it?’ And she’d have gone … [stands up] ‘Please. If you … If you love me, just this one time, just get up. And … Because it’s an awful thing and I need … I can’t be alone. I need someone to comfort me and share. Just … please. Get up.’ [lying down] And he’d have gone … ‘Look, I was out late last night. I’ve got, I’ve got work at seven … tomorrow. This is my … this is my one day for sleeping in. I don’t want to get up till about half past eleven, to be honest. And even then I’m not going to get dressed. I’m just going to be, like, in my pants and stuff, just sitting around. I kind of … I don’t know what you … If you were just to say what it is … You know … What is it?’ [stands up] She’d have gone … ‘Princess Diana, Lady Di, has … she … has been killed.’ [lying down] And he’d have gone … ‘No! [pounding fist on floor] Not the Queen of Hearts! The Rose of England … and Scotland, and Wales, and bits of Ireland, no! How did it … There’s no God! How did it … why? How did it happen?’ [standing up] And she’d have gone … ‘It was in a car crash in Paris last night. They don’t know the exact details yet. But she’s dead.’ So presumably at that point, he’d have got up, got out of bed, tried to get dressed, you know, get some kind of grip on his emotions and his feelings. Calm down his grief. And then he’d have said … ‘I’d better go out and get a life-size inflatable model of E.T. You know, for the gates of her home.’ And his wife would have said … ‘Yes. But you’d better hurry, ’cause there’ll be a rush on those now. We don’t want to be the only people not putting one there.’ And I was talking about this onstage in Croydon at the time it happened, and a bloke shouted out, ‘I was there! And I saw that! And it wasn’t a life-size inflatable model of E.T., it was a life-size inflatable model of ALF!’ I didn’t even know what an ALF was, I had to ask him. He said, ‘Oh, it’s an American kids’ TV thing. It’s an alien – A-L-F, Alien Life Form. It’s like a cross between a pig and an aardvark, from space. And it sometimes wears a nappy, and it says kind of wise-ass things.’ And he said he’d seen one of those there. I didn’t see an ALF outside Kensington Palace, before the … And I’m not saying there wasn’t one there, maybe there was at some stage. But by the time I arrived, it had got covered up under flowers or carried away on a river of infants’ tears. I don’t know, I didn’t see it. It never goes away, it’s back in the news now, the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. Last year, people went, ‘Oh, it’s great, it’s, it’s what she would have wanted. It’s a place where families can hang out, children can play. It’s what Princess Diana would have wanted.’ It isn’t. What Princess Diana would have wanted would have been to have not been killed. And then in death, not to have become the unwitting receptacle of the hysterical, overemotional, shrieking grief of twats. That’s what she would have wanted. It didn’t even work! It didn’t even work, Glasgow! Children were supposed to be able to play in it. They kept falling over, breaking their arms and legs. They made it out of slate, or sheets of ice, or something. They were getting dogshit-eye-blindness disease from the water. In the end, they had to close it down, fence it off, put warning signs on it like a decommissioned Chernobyl nuclear reactor. ‘Don’t go near the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain! It’s dangerous! Don’t even look at it! You’ll get cancer and die! Run away!’ But it’s ridiculous. There should be a memorial to her, there should be a memorial to her, because she did some amazing things. She worked, worked with charity and landmines. And she got one GCSE in domestic science. And to achieve that, and only that, when born into such a position of privilege and wealth, requires a steely determination of focus. You’ve got to know from an early age that you want to achieve next to nothing, and work hard at it, when all the odds are in your favour. And that’s why there should be a memorial to her, the People’s Princess, right. That’s why I’m going to make my own, I’m going to make my own memorial fountain to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain. It’s going to be called the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain Memorial Fountain Fountain. But it’s not going to be some state-approved, Viscount Althorp-subsidised architectural carbuncle. It’s going to be simple, like she would have wanted. It’s going to be me, lying on my back in Hyde Park, near the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, naked, with a colander over my penis. Every hour, on the hour, I’ll piss up through that. Children can come and play in it if they want, families can gather round, I don’t mind. You can do it yourselves, Glasgow, do it yourselves. You don’t even need a colander. That’s gilding the lily, to be honest. Just do a piss anywhere you want. In the street, in your house, in a library, in an antenatal unit, in the face of a treasured family pet or an elderly relative. And if a policeman says to you, ‘What are you doing? What on earth do you think you’re doing … madam?’ just say, ‘I’m paying tribute in the only way I understand to the memory of Princess Diana, Princess of Wales.’ I’ve been Stewart Lee. Thanks a lot for bearing with us tonight, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Now go. Exit music: ‘Queen of the World’ by Lloyd and Claudette.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Rock: Never Scared (2004) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-never-scared-2004-full-transcript/

Chris Rock pulls out all the stops in his no-holds-barred stand up comedy special which aired in April 2004 on HBO. Gleefully making fun of rap music over the years, the Jacksons, Kobe Bryant, R. Kelly, Krispy Kremes, strippers “paying themselves for college and giving a smart lap dance while wearing clear heels,” the dynamics of relationships between men and women, he also makes some very strong (but humorous) points when talking about how the government advertises approved medicines while maintaining a hypocritical attitude on drugs and weapons, and he drives the issue home as to the politics of wealth which draws a clear difference between Whites and Blacks (or non whites). Hilarious within an inch of its life, Chris Rock’s Never Scared is an excellent 90 minutes and maintains his own status as a strong comic presence. by nycritic [IMDb] * * * Recorded on March 24–26 2004 at the DAR Constitution Hall, Washington, D.C. I think he’s a funny guy. He’s original, he’s hilarious, he’s a superstar, and I have two tickets for me and my baby to go see him. Gonna be a great show. As he says, there’s black folks and there’s n i g g e r s. I think he’s a very progressive black man. I think he’s true with everything he says. He hits home, I mean, all his jokes are on point and you know exactly what he’s talking about. DC, are you ready? DC, are you ready? Give it up for my brother, the one, the only, Chris Rock!!! Thank you! Thank you all for coming out. Yes. Welcome. Sit yo asses down. Sit yo black asses down, man. Thank you all for coming out to my fourth HBO Special. That’s right, baby. Number four! Yeah! Yeah, this is the Kill Bill one, you know what I’m saying? Gonna do it right, man. It’s good to be here in Washington, DC. That’s right. Lovely Constitution Hall, that’s right, man. Now I haven’t toured in a long time, I haven’t done a special for a long time. I was waiting for special things to happen, and a lot’s happened in my life since the last time I was on the road, man. I had a little baby girl. It’s not a big deal. I mean, even roaches have kids, right? But I got a little baby girl. And it’s amazing when you have a girl – you’re a man and you have a girl, it’s eye-opening. Cos I realise I’m the man in her life. And my relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life. And every man in here has dated a woman with some daddy issues. That shit ain’t fun, OK? She giving you a hard time over some shit her daddy did in 1969, OK? That shit ain’t never fun. Sometimes I’m walking with my daughter, talking to my daughter, I’m looking at her in her stroller, and sometimes I pick her up and stare at her and I realise my only job in life… is to keep her off the pole. Keep my baby off the pole! They don’t grade fathers but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up. Yeah. You went mighty wrong there, baby. You thought you had a household? No, you got a ho camp. I’m not making fun of the strippers cos some of these girls were abused. Some of them just missed a few hugs. Some of them were like, “Daddy, can we talk?” “Hey, I’m watching the game.” “I’ll show you! “I’m gonna dance naked to Mötley Crüe records. “I’m gonna change my name to Cinder Buns “and I’m gonna wear clear heels.” When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big old ho convention and all the hoes got together and said, “We need something new. “Something that just says ‘nasty’.” One girl said, “I got it! Clear heels!” “Ooh, girl, you disgusting. You all right.” I got nothing against strippers. Somebody’s gotta do it. Somebody has to take on the monumental responsibility that the strippers do. Somebody’s gotta do it, somebody has to entertain the married men of America. Somebody has to do it. OK? Your wife, you know, your wife will take care of you but she ain’t gonna entertain you. Give your wife clear heels – “What the fuck is this shit? “Get this ho shit out my house. “Now wash your hands so you can eat.” I got nothing against the strippers. But the strip clubs are very addictive. Not to me but to other people. They are addictive. Every guy in here got a friend that’s addicted to strip clubs. Addicted like heroin, OK? Addicted. You know those guys that cannot function in a normal club. You take ’em to a normal club, they ask one girl to dance – “Would you like to dance?” “Maybe later.” “Yo, man, let’s go to the titty bar. “Man, these bitches is stuck up, man. “I gave this bitch a dollar, she didn’t do nothing.” No. We all got those friends that’s addicted to strip clubs. You know those guys that go to the strip club in the daytime? If you at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems. You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat at the buffet. How the fuck could you eat at a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you that hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D’s or some shit. Rwandan refugees won’t eat that shit. At a damn strip club. Titties and Tater Tots don’t mix. I got nothing against strippers. What I got a problem with is the stripper myth. You know the stripper myth. There’s a stripper myth that’s being perpetuated throughout society. The stripper myth is, “I’m stripping to pay my tuition.” No, you’re not. There’s no strippers at college. There’s no clear heels in biology. Shit, man. I didn’t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, “If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio.” “You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.” Now, I’m 39 years old, 39 years old. Yep. Some people are like, “Really?” Yeah. New Jack City‘s a long time ago. Now, I’m 39, right? And I still love rap music, I love rap music. You know, I love it! You know, I’m 39, I’m that age, I’ve been loving rap music forever. As I get older, I realise I’m gonna love rap music when I’m 80. Whatever music was playing when you started getting laid, you gonna love that music for the rest of your life. So I’m always gonna have a soft spot for Whodini, you know what I mean? Now I love rap music but I’m tired of defending it. You gotta defend rap music cos people always go, “That’s not music, that’s not art. “How can you listen to that garbage? How can you listen to that trash?” In the old days, it was easy to defend rap music. It was easy to defend it on an intellectual level. You could break it down intellectually why Grandmaster Flash was art, why Run DMC was art, why Whodini was art, and music. You could break it down intellectually, OK? And I love all the rappers today but it’s hard to defend this shit. It’s hard, man, it’s hard to defend “I got hoes in different area codes”. On an intellectual level. It’s hard to defend “Move, bitch, get out the way”. Well, as you can see, there’s a bitch in his way. Now he needs to move. Thus the term, “Move, bitch, get out the way”. You need to open yo eyes so you can get the bitches out of yo way. My favourite song right now is impossible to defend. It’s impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourself for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit. To the window! To the wall! To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet! Skeet! Skeet! Skeet! And you know what’s real wild? You go to a club, you see girls dance to that shit. To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat! To the sweat drip from my balls! My balls! I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. “Daddy, where d’you meet Mommy?” “She was singing about balls at a club.” That’s why people always say rap music is misogynistic and it’s degrading to women. But what I realise, man, is women that like rap don’t give a fuck. Women that like rap don’t care what they saying. If the beat’s all right she will dance all night. Women don’t give a fuck. The nastier the better. I see girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. Just on the floor, like – Smack her with a dick. I’ll put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear. Fuck her in the eye. Blind the bitch. And you know what’s wild? If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and misogynistic, they all give you the same answer – “He ain’t talkin’ ’bout me.” Smack her with a dick. I’ll put a dick in the ear. He said your name! “No, he didn’t.” Smack her with a dick. Love rap music, tired of defending it, man. It’s weird with rap music because people either love it or hate it. Even the United States Government hates rap. The Government hates rap. You know why I say that? Cos they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers. They don’t got no clues, no suspects. They don’t have shit when it’s a dead rapper. They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line for a dead rapper. The cops just piss around the body. Smack her with a dick. If you wanna get away with murder, just shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in they pocket. “This is a rap killing, let’s get outta here.” The Government hates rap. Look at all the rappers, all the dead rappers. I’m gonna list these motherfuckers, man. Biggie Smalls, man. Biggie Smalls gunned down outside a party in Los Angeles. Now Biggie weighed about 400 pounds. So they had to shoot him for a while. There was some reloading in that drive-by. It’s like the bullet had to hit another bullet that went in before it… just to really do damage. They don’t got no clues, no suspects, a hamburger wrapper, nothing! Jam Master Jay, man. Jay, man, I miss Jay. I miss that man. Gunned down in a recording studio in Queens, OK? They had surveillance footage of people coming in and out, they ain’t arrested nobody. It’s like the guy came in the studio, shot Jay, recorded an album, then left. They ain’t get nobody. No clues, no suspects, not a Odor-Eater, nothing! Tupac Shakur, man. Tupac was gunned down on the Las Vegas Strip after a Mike Tyson fight. Now how many witnesses do you need to see some shit before you arrest somebody? Shit. More people saw Tupac get shot than the last episode of Seinfeld. And you know what’s fucked up? Every year, Tupac comes back from the dead, records a new album with clues in it… Every record got a clue if you listen real hard. “The brother in the red shot me dead.” Right there! Track four! Pac is trying to tell us something. Listen again! “It was a n i g g e r named Kevin.” Right there! Pac is reaching out to us. Listen! The Government hates rap, man. And only rappers get gunned down like this. I’ll tell you right now, if Billy Joel, Elton John and David Bowie got shot, they’d have Bruce Springsteen’s house surrounded. The Government hates rap. Only the good rappers are dead, only the good ones. Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive. The Government hates rap. You mean to tell me they can find Saddam Hussein in a fucking hole but you can’t tell me who shot Tupac? Shit. They found Saddam Hussein in fucking Iraq. Tupac got shot in Vegas! In fucking Vegas! Not on no side street, the motherfucker got shot on the Strip! In front of Circus Circus! Damn. It’s all fucked up, the whole world’s fucked up, man. Michael Jackson lost his mind. What the hell is wrong with Michael? Another kid? I thought it was Groundhog’s Day when I heard that shit. Another kid? Get the fuck out of here. That’s how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much, we let the first kid slide. Hey, man, the man made Billie Jean, leave him alone. Another kid? I’m fucking done. I’m done with Michael! I was a fan my whole life, I am fucking done, I am handing in my glove, OK. I saw Michael on 60 Minutes. Ed Bradley tried his best to make Michael look like a mammal. Or somebody that drank water and breathed air, right? He gave Michael the easiest questions in the world, the easiest GED questions in the world, and Michael could not pass the test. It’s like, “Uh, Michael, “do you think it’s proper for a 45-year-old man “to sleep in a bed with 13-year-old boys?” “Yes!” “OK, let me rephrase that. “Would you let your children sleep in the bed of a 45-year-old man “that’s been accused of child molestation?” “Yes!” Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, “N i g g e r, is you crazy?” Like he wanted to take the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward, say, “Get the fuck off my show.” “I thought you said it was 60 minutes.” “It’s ten minutes, get outta here. “Ya nutty n i g g e r, what the fuck is wrong wit’ you?” I’m done with Michael, man. You see Michael go to court 20 minutes late. What kind of black man gonna come to court 20 minutes late? This ain’t Barbershop 2. This is court, motherfucker. Shit. He don’t even wear a real suit to court, coming in there looking like Cap’n Crunch. Shit, who’s your lawyer? Franken Berry? Better take your black ass to Banana Republic and get you a decent suit. What the fuck is wrong with that boy? I’m done with Michael. Another kid? That’s like another dead white girl showing up at OJ’s house. And OJ going, “I know what you’re thinking…” Michael Jackson going to jail. It’s gonna be a sad sight when Michael Jackson goes to jail. Oh, we gonna shed a tear when Michael Jackson go to jail. It ain’t even gonna be sad the day he go in. It’s gonna be sad like a month later when that perm grows out of his hair. The shit’s all nappy and grey. When his make-up’s all fucked up cos he don’t get the Crayola people to fix his face no more. That’s a fucking sad-ass sight. Remember we used to have arguments about who was better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won. Yeah, man, Michael went crazy, then Janet lost her damn mind, whipping out her titty on a Sunday afternoon. On a Sunday afternoon! What the fuck is wrong with this girl? This ain’t Déjà Vu. This ain’t Magic City, motherfucker. It’s the Super Bowl! A titty on a Sunday afternoon. People coming home from church, turn on the TV. “Oh, Lord!” A titty on a Sunday afternoon. And a 40-year-old titty at that. You can’t just whip out a 40-year-old titty. That’s yo man’s titty. That is yo man’s titty. 40-year-old titty – yo man’s titty. 20-year-old titty – community titty. That’s for all to see. The titty couldn’t even believe it was outside. It was like, “Oh, shit, what the fuck’s going on? “Close the door!” Michael’s crazy, Janet lost her mind, now I gotta see Jermaine every week for the blow-by-blow. I thought I was done with Jermaine. I got the Do What You Did When You Did What To Me album. I thought I was done with Jermaine. Jermaine looked crazier than Michael. What the fuck is up with Jermaine? Is it me or is Jermaine the greasiest n i g g e r you ever seen in your life? What the fuck? My God, man! Does he spray Armor All on his face or some shit? Just greasy motherfucker, my God. Just glistening like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter. Just slimy. Just greasy, shiny motherfucker, my God. When Jermaine’s on the TV, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen. I can’t see shit – Jermaine must have been on. The police can’t even capture his ass cos he just slips out. The police are like, “Somebody throw some sand on that n i g g e r! Please!” Jacksons lost they mind, R Kelly lost his mind and shit. What the fuck is wrong with R Kelly? He got a lot of balls, OK? Talk about, “It ain’t me!” Got a damn sex tape out. “It ain’t me.” Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That’s you, OK? There’s a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed! Best R & B ’98, that’s you! I can’t even believe R Kelly would come outside after this shit. At one point on the tape, R Kelly’s eating this girl’s ass out like it’s Puppy Chow. He’s in her ass like he’s got diabetes and her ass got insulin in it. Lookin’ like the movie 28 Days Later. R fucking Kelly, man. The whole world’s going crazy, man. Siegfried and Roy, the tiger bit the man in the head, and everybody’s mad at the tiger. Talk about the tiger went crazy. That tiger ain’t go crazy, that tiger went tiger! You know when the tiger went crazy? When the tiger was riding round on a little bike with a Hitler helmet on. “Oh, shit, I’m a crazy tiger. “Oh, Lord, I’m crazy. What is I gon’ do?” Whole damn country’s all fucked up. We so desperate for entertainment everybody’s falling for this magician, David Blaine. What the fuck is this shit? Are we so desperate that we fall for a trickless magician? Where the fuck’s the trick? Cut a lady in half! Pull a rabbit out a hat! Do something. What’s his last trick? “I’m in a box… “and I ain’t gonna eat. “I’m in a box and I ain’t gonna eat.” That ain’t no trick, that’s called living in the projects. Shit, man. Kobe Bryant lost his mind. What the fuck is Kobe thinking? What is on Kobe’s mind going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? You gotta bring Johnnie to that shit. The girl’s still alive, Johnnie’ll knock this out in two weeks. “Is she breathing?” “Don’t worry about it.” Kobe wouldn’t miss a practice if he had Johnnie. What the fuck? It don’t look right, man. Some people are like, “If you hire Johnnie Cochran you look guilty.” Yeah, but you go home. What, you wanna look innocent in jail? I’d rather look guilty at the mall. Kobe might go to jail, you never know. A lot of people, “Oh, Kobe ain’t gonna go to jail cos Kobe’s cute and cuddly. “No, he’s cute and cuddly, he’s positive.” Yeah, Kobe looks cute and cuddly on TV cos when you see him he’s standing next to Shaq. But in real life Kobe’s like 6’9″, 6’10”. Shit, when he get to court, he gonna scare the shit out of them white people. They gonna look at him like he’s a big old black praying mantis. He gonna sit down at the witness stand, his knees gonna be up here. Put his hand on the Bible, it covers up the whole Bible. And you see the girl, she came to court, she wasn’t fucking around. She looked nice. She got a nice pantsuit on, got her hair in pigtails. Yeah, she ain’t gonna have on no clear heels now, no. That’s right. She got on some comfortable flats. And some thick-ass stockings. The thickest fucking stockings you ever seen in your life. You gonna think she broke her leg, that’s how thick them stockings is. She gonna come in the court like this. “Your Honour, my stockings are fucking thick.” A lot of people say, “Well, this is what Kobe gets for cheating. “He cheated and that’s what he gets. That’s what he gets.” I know some of you women been cheated on before. I know some of you… OK, fuck it, I’m sure most of you women been cheated on before. Some of y’all are with the guy that cheated on you right now. And the guys are like, “Would you shut the fuck up?” “Do some old shit, ‘toss my salad’, one of them.” No. Men are just low, ladies. Some women are like, “If I lost weight, he wouldn’t cheat. “If I was more beautiful, he wouldn’t cheat.” Yes, he would. He would. There ain’t nothing you can do, ladies. The only thing you can do to stop your man cheating… The women are like this… Only thing you can do… is be there. Where? There. Wherever he’s thinking about fucking her. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose yo ass. “Hey, honey, look, a sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now.” Oh, man! No. The beauty don’t matter. Kobe cheated on his wife and Kobe’s wife is fine. Kobe’s wife is gorgeous. My God! That’s a fuckin’ señorita out this motherfucker. A hot tamale out this motherfucker. Kobe’s wife is fine shit. I would trade my wife and two aunts for Kobe’s, man. I’ll throw in a cousin and my momma if I have to. Come on, Momma, we got to close this deal. Don’t let all this celebrity news fool you right now. All this stuff going on in the news is just a trick to get yo mind off the war. That’s all it is. It’s a trick to get yo mind off the war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson’s house, Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get yo mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me. “We gotta go to Iraq cos they the most dangerous country on earth. “They the most dangerous regime in the world.” If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks. Get the fuck outta here. Looking for weapons of mass destruction. Can’t even find a Wiffle ball bat. Ain’t even a fucking fly-swatter yet. Give me something, shit! Attack, motherfucker. Let me get a fucking paper cut over that motherfucker. Nothing! Not a damn thing. “Weapons of mass destruction.” They got whatshisname, they got Saddam Hussein, that’s cool. I was a little sad when they got Saddam. That’s kinda like the Coyote catching the Roadrunner. I guess Acme finally made some shit that worked. I didn’t even know we was after Saddam, I thought we was after Bin Laden. What the fuck happened? I thought we was after Bin Laden. Shit. When did Bin Laden give Hussein the baton of hate? When did he pass it on? “They hate me, they hate me… “they hate you! Run!” “Oh, shit.” Shit, man, when I heard we was after Hussein, I was like, “Really?” That’s so ’80s. The whole war seemed like a bad VH1 special. Hussein’s back and Bush is back and Cheney’s back and Paula Abdul’s back. Shit, before you know it, it’ll be Hammer time again. Stop. Hammer time. No, when the war started, it was great. Brought out a lot of patriotism. Patriotism’s beautiful. But slowly but surely, the patriotism turned into hate-riotism. When the war started, it was great. People had their flags up. People screaming out “USA!” for no reason. You go to a baseball game, a football game, a basketball game, people are, “USA!” I’m like, “Hey, calm down. “That’s got a little German on it, don’t you think?” You know, people start freaking out. People got it… At first the war was cool. People got into this whole hate the French thing. I don’t understand that shit. “Fuck France, man. They don’t wanna help us out. “Don’t eat no French fries. Fuck the French, man. “Motherfuck France, fuck ’em, man.” Cos they wouldn’t help us out in the war. The United States is the biggest, most powerful country in the world. Why the fuck would anybody help us in the war? Would you help Mike Tyson beat up Urkel? Don’t make no sense! But people started freaking out. The war was weird. On TV you’d see these weird white guys. Nobody here, you guys are OK. See these weird white guys getting overly patriotic and they have their fucking flag hats on and their flag drawers and their flag pick-ups. “I’m American, man, I’m American. “Fuck all these fucking foreigners. I’m American!” You’re like, “Hey, calm the fuck down.” There was a lot of accepted racism when the war started. “I’m American. Fuck all these foreigners.” And that was cool. Then it was, “I’m American. Fuck the French.” That was cool. “I’m American. Fuck all these Arabs.” And that was cool. Then they went to, “I’m American. Fuck all these illegal aliens.” Then I started listening. Cos I know n i g g e r s and Jews is next. It’s like, any day now! That train’s never late! And people started screaming they was American. A lot of white people scream they American as if they got something to do with the country being the way it is. Like they was on the Mayflower or some shit. When you break it down, there ain’t even that many Americans in this room, contributing Americans. Check this out. If you a veteran, if you fought in any war for the United States, you are American. God bless all the veterans. Big up to the veterans. I can’t say nothing wrong about the veterans. OK? You American. Now if you swam here from some shitty country that didn’t allow you Bubblicious, you too are American cos you overcame obstacles and made sacrifices to actually get here. You are a true American, OK? You really are. Don’t let nobody tell you no different. Everybody else, you’re just lucky. You’re just lucky. All you crazy white people, “I’m American!” All you did was come out of your mother’s pussy on American soil. That’s it. You think you’re better than somebody from France cos you came out of a pussy in Detroit? The whole country’s got a fucked up mentality, man. We all got a gang mentality. Republicans are fucking idiots, the Democrats are fucking idiots, conservatives are idiots and liberals are idiots. Anyone that makes up they mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool, OK? Everybody… No, everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with a gang – “I’m a conservative, I’m a liberal.” It’s bullshit. Be a fucking person. Listen. Let it swirl around yo head. Then form yo opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, OK? I got some shit I’m conservative about, I got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal. And they keep trying to scare us. Everybody’s trying to scare us. Telling us to be on the lookout for al-Qaeda. Like, “Where?” I ain’t scared of al-Qaeda. I’m from Brooklyn, I don’t give a fuck about al-Qaeda. Shit. Motherfucking al-Qaeda. Shit, did al-Qaeda blow up the building in Oklahoma? No. Did al-Qaeda put anthrax in your mail? No. Did al-Qaeda drag James Byrd down the street till his eyeballs popped out of his fucking head? No. I ain’t scared of al-Qaeda, I’m scared of Al Cracker. Cracker Al. Gotta look out for Cracker Al. He’s a dangerous motherfucker! But American people, whenever you leave… I love my country, but whenever you leave, you find out people really hate America. It’s good sometimes. Cos we got so much shit, OK? America’s the only country in the world where people go hunting on a full stomach. It’s beautiful. That’s how good we got it. America’s a great country. But here’s the thing, people hate America cos we can’t make up our mind what we wanna be. America does good things, America does bad things, America does schizophrenic things. One cool thing America does, that I love, is we feed other countries. It’s beautiful that we feed other countries. Yes, it is! But we only feed them when they’re starving. Why can’t we feed them when they’re hungry? They didn’t just wake up with flies around their lips and bellies out to here. It took a while for shit to get that bad. And our government’s like, “Nah, wait for the flies. “Two more weeks. Wait for the flies. Come on, more flies!” And we send them food. Do we send them the good shit? No. What do we send them? Grain. Anybody here have grain today? Anybody going to McGrainies after the show? Why can’t we send them the good shit? Why can’t we send some Cheez Doodles, some Funyuns, some Twinkies? Why can’t we just pour some gravy on the people? Just get a big old vat of gravy and pour it out the helicopter. There you go. Drink up. Have some gravy. People going, “I love America! “It’s raining gravy!” Shit, give them a Whopper, it’s only 99 cents. Shit, we call ourselves humanitarians, meanwhile we’re dropping 50-pound sacks on 40-pound people. But I love America, man. We got a lot of freedom in America. For instance, abortion’s legal. It’s beautiful that abortion’s legal, man. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women. Cos you know they’ll fuck you. You ain’t gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels! “What you doing here, girl?” “Fucked up again.” The abortion issue, it’s a woman’s issue. A woman gets pregnant, she don’t wanna hear shit from the man. “Fuck you, I don’t need you, motherfuck you.” Unless she decides to have the baby. Then she’s like, “Where’s my cheque?” When a woman gets pregnant, it’s a choice between the woman and her girlfriends. A woman gets pregnant, her and her girlfriends get together, and they have a little abortion tribunal, and they vote on the baby like it’s Survivor. Each girlfriend puts in her two cents. One goes, “Child, you should have that baby. “That man got some good hair, it’s wavy, it’s wavy.” The other girlfriend goes, “Why are we talking about this? “Ain’t we going to Cancun next week? Get rid of that baby!” And that’s how life is decided in America. Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant, you’re only allowed to say two things. And guess what, fellas? You can’t even suggest abortion. If you say, “A”, you fucked up. You can’t even suggest abortion. Guess what, guys? You don’t wanna suggest abortion. If you suggest abortion and then she has the baby, when that kid’s about five, six years old, he gonna be cursing yo ass out. You go, “What’s up, little man? How you doing?” “I’m alive, that’s how the fuck I’m doing! “You wanted me dead, huh, bitch? “I’m alive, motherfucker. “I should bust a cap in yo ass.” You don’t need that drama. So do not suggest abortion. Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant, you only got two things to say. Two ways to try it on. Now, the first thing you can say is, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re pregnant. “I’m so happy. I can’t wait for you to have this baby. I love you so much.” I’ll try it again. “Wow, I can’t believe that you’re pregnant. “I’m so happy. I can’t wait to have this baby. “I love you so much.” That’s cool. Now, if you don’t wanna say that, you got one more choice. A woman walks in the room, tells you that she’s pregnant, you look her dead in the eye and you say… “So what you gonna do?” Good, it ain’t just me. One thing I don’t like about America is we got real bad drug policy. Horrible drug policy. We got people in jail for getting high. For getting high, man. That’s fucked up, man. The Government says drugs are illegal because we’re trying to protect society. But they don’t give a fuck about yo safety, they sell guns at Wal-Mart, they don’t give a fuck about you. No, the Government’s like this – they don’t want you to use your drugs, they want you to use their drugs. So every night on TV you see a weird-ass drug commercial trying to get you hooked on some legal shit. And they just keep naming symptoms till they get one that you fucking got, OK? It’s like, “Are you sad? Are you lonely? You got athlete’s foot? “Are you hot? Are you cold? What you got? You want this pill, huh, motherfucker. “You got to take this pill.” They don’t even tell you what the pill does. You see a lady on a horse or a man in the tub. And they just keep naming symptoms. “Are you depressed? Are you lonely? Do your teeth hurt?” What the fuck? I saw a commercial the other day that said, “Do you go to bed at night “and wake up in the morning?” Shit they got one. I got that. I’m sick, I need that pill. The Government trying to get you hooked on some legal fucking shit. And that’s the truth, man. The reason coke and weed are illegal in America don’t got shit to do with yo safety. The reason that coke and weed are illegal in America is cos the best coke and weed ain’t made in America. If they made the good shit here, there’d be a coke and weed restaurant on every fucking corner. That’s right. Wouldn’t be no Starbucks, it’d be Weedbucks. McDonald’s, McCokeald’s. Uh, get me a Happy Meal and an eight-ball, thank you. Krispy Kreme, Kracky Kreme. That’s how good Krispy Kreme doughnuts are. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are so good, if I told you they had crack in it, you’d go, “I knew something was up. “I knew. These doughnuts are too damn good, man. “Got me knockin’ on the doughnut window at two in the morning. “Come on, man, open up, man. “Give me one more doughnut! I’ll do anything! “I’ll suck your dick!” That should be the new slogan for Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme – so good you’ll suck a dick. These are some good-ass doughnuts. You’d be mad if your kid ate your doughnuts. “You know what I had to do to get them doughnuts? Leave them alone! “Now I gotta go out and suck some more dick for doughnuts. “Kids will never learn, shit.” No, man, the Government, they will never legalise drugs in America. OK, the first reason they will never legalise drugs in America is because the Government makes way too much money putting our brothers and sisters in fucking jail. That’s first of all. For bullshit. The second reason the Government will never legalise drugs in America is because, God forbid, some brown people got wealthy. Can’t have that. Cos drugs come from brown countries. We can’t have wealthy brown people. There are no wealthy black – or brown – people in America. We got some rich ones, we don’t got no fucking wealth. People go, “What’s the difference?” Here’s the difference. Shaq is rich. The white man that signs his cheque is wealthy. “Here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. “Bling-bling!” I’m not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth, OK? I’m talking about the white family that owns all the Similac. Those rich motherfuckers. I’m talking about the white family that owns the colour blue. Those rich bastards. I ain’t talking ’bout Oprah, I’m talking ’bout Bill Gates, OK? If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money he’d jump out a fucking window. He’d slit his throat on the way down. “Ah, shit. “I can’t even put gas in my plane.” I’m not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Cos wealth will set us fucking free, OK? Cos wealth is empowering. Wealth can uplift communities from poverty, OK? A white man gets wealthy, he builds Wal-Marts and makes other white people have some motherfucking money. A brother gets rich, he buys some motherfucking jewellery, OK? Do you know what the fuck I’m talking ’bout? I ain’t talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Wealth is passed down from generation to generation. You can’t get rid of wealth. Rich is some shit you can lose with a crazy summer and a drug habit. Fuck, Rick James was rich. One minute you’re singing Super Freak, the next you’re doing Old Navy commercials. “Give it to me, baby! Give me corduroy!” Not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all white people’s fault that black and brown people don’t have any fucking wealth. Maybe – now just maybe – maybe if we didn’t spend all our money on rims we might have some… to invest. We don’t give a fuck, boy. Black people, we love rims. We will put shiny-ass rims on any piece of shit car in the world. We don’t give a fuck. A brother would put rims on a toaster if you’d let him. “Yo, man, I got some raisin toast sittin’ on 22s. “22s! Look at the motherfuckers, look at ’em! “And they spinnin’, look at they spinnin’! “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’!” We don’t give a fuck. Money’s new to black people. We the most money-wasting motherfuckers on the face of the earth. We spend money like we think the shit’s gonna rot. Brothers riding around with TVs in the headrests of the car. The TVs is on and ain’t nobody in the back seat. I ain’t talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Now, when it comes to acquiring a fortune, when it comes to acquiring wealth in the United States of America, different people have gone about it in different ways. There’s a saying about wealth, there’s a saying about fortunes, and the saying is, “Behind every great fortune there’s a great crime.” And some of the richest, most powerful people in the United States are the descendants of drug dealers. Kennedys, Brockmans, it’s all drug money. They call it bootlegging but that’s just a white word that means drug dealing. They didn’t sell boots, they sold the crack of their day, OK? They killed cops and kids, and that’s cool, good for them. Now… when it’s time for other people to come up and acquire wealth the rules change. One of the number one rules when it comes to acquiring wealth goes like this. The rule is, only the white man can profit from pain. Only the white man can profit from pain. So if you’re black or brown, you can make money and prosper and get rich in America. But whatever you decide to do, it better be positive. Cos if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed, OK? Every now and then Oprah has a show where she’s just giving away money. You know why? She’s trying to keep the Feds off her back. Only the white man can profit from pain, OK? White man makes alcohol, tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day, OK? Some of y’all ain’t even gonna make it home tonight cos of alcohol. Driving home, “That Chris Rock sure is funny. “Oh, shit!” But it’s all right cos it’s all white. White man makes cigarettes. Cigarettes are the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every fucking day. Cigarettes are so dangerous, it kills motherfuckers that don’t smoke! That’s how fucking dangerous cigarettes are. That’s right. First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, people talking into machines. “Hey, what’s up, man? “I love cigarettes. This shit is good.” But it’s all right cos it’s all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled n i g g e r s from Mississippi. Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get 60 years for a pack of Newports. But it’s all right cos it’s all white. That’s right. White man makes guns, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns, kids shoot up each other in schools, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns, no problem. Black rapper says “gun”, Congressional hearing. Like, “My God, that n i g g e r said gun! “And he rhymed it with fun!” And that’s why people hate America… the hypocrisy of our democracy, OK? That’s why they hate America. But let me tell you right now, the number one reason people hate America, the number one reason, is because of our religion. Americans worship money. We worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from Government, but on your money it says, “In God we trust”. All my life I’ve been looking for God and he’s right in my pocket. Americans worship money. And we all go to the same church – the church of ATM. Everywhere you look, there’s a new branch popping up, reminding you about how much money you got or how much money you don’t got. And if you got less than $20, the machine won’t even talk to you. The machine’s like, “You better go see a teller.” You ever go to a teller and try to take out $8.50? It’s disgusting. Man, you gotta wait on that long-ass line. People doing real transactions in front of you. You get up to the fucking front, fill out your form. Eight-fifty. The fucking teller looks at it, she looks at you, she looks at the chit. She don’t even take the money out the drawer, she take it out her pocket. “Wastin’ my time. Get the fuck outta here, shit.” I think every bank should have a box of ones by the door for they broke-ass customers. I don’t need free checking, I need lunch money. Trying to buy me some pork fried rice, man. Here’s the other thing, man. Drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out $300 at four o’clock in the morning for something positive? Shit, when you press that machine at four o’clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen and go, “Come on, man. “Save your money, man. “Don’t buy drugs, buy some rims.” “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’! They spinnin’! “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’!” Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn’t church’d be empty. Now, I love America, man, I must say. I love America. I got to say, America is the greatest country in the world, OK? It’s the greatest country in the world. In the whole world. It’s the best place. There’s no place I’d rather be or be from. And we are all lucky to be here. Everybody in this room, lucky to be here. Even black people, lucky to be here. But if you black, you gotta look at America a little different. If you black, America’s like the uncle that paid your way through college but molested you. You gotta forgive, right? You gotta forgive. What’s the biggest issue in America right now? The most divisive issue in America is affirmative action. A lot of people think it’s to do with the ’60s, the back of the bus, separate lunch counters. No. When you see footage of the ’60s, see black people, see us getting sprayed down, dogs getting sicked on us, little girls getting burnt up in churches, that’s just white people being nice. Nicer than they was in the ’50s, ’40s, and ’30s. Shit, there’s black people that died in the ’30s that was looking down from heaven in the ’60s going, “Man, them n i g g e r s got it good.” No, affirmative action was put into place to offset policies that the United States Government implemented during slavery that affect us today. When I talk about slavery, I’m just talking about a period of time where black people had no rights. So you’re talking about the 1600s to about 1964. You know, give or take a year, depending on when yo town decided to act right. People go, “What happened during slavery that could affect us today?” A lot of shit happened during slavery that affects us every day. For instance, during slavery, they used to take the biggest, strongest slaves and breed them and try their best to make big, strong super-slaves, OK? That’s right. And there’s evidence of that today. Like the NFL, for instance. NFL stands for N i g g e r Fucking Large. They bred the slaves, and this is why black people dominate every physical activity in the United States of America. We’re only 10%% of the population, we’re 90%% of the Final Four, OK? We fucking dominate all this shit, OK? Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track, even golf and tennis. As soon as they make a heated hockey rink, we gonna take that shit too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait till you see Lebron on some skates. You ain’t seen shit yet. He just gonna have one skate, chilling, “What’s up?” He ain’t gonna have a stick. He gonna smack the puck with his dick. Slapshot bi-atch! So that’s what they did to the big, strong slaves. And you know what they did to the smart ones? Or at least the ones they thought were smart. They killed them. That’s what they did. That’s right. That was the policy of the United States Government, to kill smart black people. That’s right. So the real smart motherfuckers had to hide the fact that they were smart. The law of the land was, if you read, you die. If you read, fucking die, OK? So you know what that means? The first black drug dealers didn’t even sell drugs. They sold books. “Yo, man, I got two pages, man, got two pages, man, check it out, man. “Yo, man, I got a word, check it out, man, I got a new word. “I got a new word, man. It’s new, man, it’s new, man.” So think about the poor slaves that could read but had to hide it. Think about the poor slaves that could read but was scared to teach they kids to read for fear they’d be killing they kids. Think about the poor slave who used to drive the buggy into town every day. Used to drive the buggy. He’s driving the buggy – and he could read. And up ahead he sees a real busy intersection. He’s driving the buggy. And then he sees a stop sign. Now he’s got a real dilemma. “Oh, Lor, “what is I gon’ do? “Oh, Lor, what is I gon’ do? “OK, if I go across this intersection, “I’m-a have a accident. “If I stop at this sign, these crackers’ll kill me. “Oh, Lor, what is I gon’ do?” And he don’t know. And he’s riding the buggy. He says, “Fuck it,” and goes through the intersection. He has a big old accident, wipes out. Wipes out, almost kills somebody. And the police come. “N i g g e r, what’s wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? “You could’ve killed somebody, n i g g e r. You see that stop sign?” “I don’t know what you talking ’bout, sir.” “N i g g e r, you see that stop sign right there?” “Do you mean that octagon thing? “N i g g e r, who taught you octagon?” Don’t get me wrong with affirmative action. I don’t think I should get a job over a white person if I get a lower mark in a test. I don’t think I should get accepted into a school over a white person if I get a lower mark. But if there’s a tie, fuck ’em. Shit, you had a 400-year head start, motherfucker. White man, you gonna be all right. You know, a lot of people say, “If you’re the smartest and the brightest, “you won’t need affirmative action, if you strive to be the smartest and the brightest.” They say that as if the country is run by the smartest and the brightest. I was in black schools and white schools so you can’t tell me shit. When you go to a class, there are 30 kids. Five smart, five dumb, and the rest are in the middle. And that’s all America is – a nation in the middle. A nation of B and C students, that’s all the fuck it is. A nation of B and C students. But let’s keep it fucking real, OK? A black C student can’t run no fucking company. A black C student can’t even be the manager of Burger King. Meanwhile, the white C student just happens to be the President of the United States of America. Other people got they problems right now in America. What’s the other big issue in America right now? Should gays be allowed to marry? The beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is it’s the absolute only issue the President will answer. The President don’t give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. “Mr President, when’s the war gonna end?” “Well, we’re talking to people, we’re looking for stuff, it’s out there, “you never know how it’s gonna end.” “Mr President, when’s the economy gonna pick up?” “Well, we’re talking to people, “and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator.” “Mr President, what about gay marriage?” “Fuck them faggots.” Damn, that’s some harsh shit. People always say, we can’t have gay marriage cos marriage is a sacred institution that happens in the church. It’s sacred! No, it’s not. Marriage ain’t sacred. Not in America. Not in the country that watches Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? And The Bachelorette and Who Wants To Marry A Midget? Get the fuck outta here. Shit. Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. Get the fuck outta here. Michael Jackson got married. How fucking sacred is that shit? But I’m married. It’s a beautiful thing, man. And I don’t cheat. I don’t. No. Not because I’m a great husband, just cos I’m tired of getting caught. Gotta put the girls in the mistress protection programme. From now on your name is Carol. If anybody calls you Lisa, ignore ’em. OK, Lisa? “OK.” Bitch, you gonna get us killed! The fuck is wrong with you? You won’t last five minutes on the streets. Now I don’t cheat, man. Another big reason I don’t cheat is cos I never meet any girls that wanna fuck me. I’m just not that celebrity. I don’t bring it out of them. Women see Denzel Washington, they go, “I’m gonna fuck him.” They start kicking off shoes soon as they see his ass. Women see me, occasionally they wanna fuck me, but when women wanna fuck me, they get real practical about it. They go, “You know what? I bet you if I fucked Chris Rock, “I could get him to pay my Visa bill.” I have paid so many college loans in my day. I have put more girls through school than the United Negro College Fund. Shit, I should’ve had my own dorm at Howard. “And this is the Chris Rock Cafeteria. “Chris loves sloppy joes!” Yes, I’m married, and bored out of my fucking mind. But it’s a beautiful thing, a beautiful thing. If you’re in a good relationship, chances are you’re bored out of your fucking mind. All good relationships are boring. The only exciting relationships are bad ones. You never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow in a bad relationship. You never know when you’re gonna walk in and go, “Hey, you gave me crabs!” That’s exciting. I wonder what tomorrow’s gonna bring. And those are the choices you got in life. You can be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere. Married and bored or single and lonely. That’s right. Marriage is some boring-ass shit. Once you get married, you gotta hang around other married people and that’s just disgusting. You ever go to dinner with six neutered adults? A bunch of women talking about Diaper Genies and hair colouring. “You know, if you leave it in too long it stings.” Shut the fuck up. A bunch of men talking about barbecue grills and routes to work. “Sometimes I take the highway but if it’s backed up, I got some side streets “that get me there in half the time. Check it out. “L-95 is clear sometimes…” Shut the fuck up! I hate married people. It’s fucking disgusting. If you go to eat dinner with single people, single people eat for an hour and 30 minutes and leave, cos they got fucking to do. Married people close down a restaurant. They start ordering coffee and dessert. Start talking to the architect. “I like the thing you put right there.” Start talking to the cook. “What’s in the tea?” “Water, bitch! “Hurry up, we got a lot of not fucking to do. “If you hurry up, we can not fuck all night.” I hate married fucking people, man. And, fellas, once you get married, you become your wife’s pet. You become a fucking pet. Cos women like to get they husbands together that don’t even know each other, and have like a grown man play date. Put you in a room with some other married motherfucker and go, “He likes baseball just like you.” And you’re in some room with some fucking stranger going, “I like baseball.” “I like baseball too. Yeah.” “Yeah, baseball, good.” “Yeah.” “Honey, who the fuck is this? “Get me the fuck out of here, I don’t need no new friends. “If you wanna help me out, introduce me to a girl.” I hate married people, man. Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring a single crackhead. Just to spicen up the activities. Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please. Married and bored, single and lonely. The problem with relationships, people want too much. Everybody’s looking for a soul mate. “We’re soul mates, we’re one, we’re soul mates. “I’m a Pisces, he’s Aquarius, we’re perfect. We’re soul mates, it’s incredible. “His moon is my star and it’s a soul mate. “We complete each other and finish each other’s sentences. “The other day I said, ‘Honey, it’s gonna rain,’ and he said rain too! “It’s amazing! It’s like we’re telekinesic, we’re telekinesic. “It’s incredible, my God.” Nobody gets a soul mate. It don’t happen. Nobody. Not even James Brown, the godfather of soul, he don’t even get a soul mate, as we all saw a couple of weeks ago. James Brown looking like Nick Nolte. Like, he put the good foot in her ass. Nobody gets a soul mate. All you gonna get in life if you lucky is a mate. Just a mate. Somebody you fuck, go to movies with. You fuck, go to another movie. You fuck, go to a comedy show. You fuck, go to your grandmomma’s house. You fuck, go to your momma’s house. You fuck, go see another movie. Somewhere in between fucking and movies, he goes, “Wanna get something to eat?” That’s all relationships are, they ain’t that complicated. It’s fucking and eating. If you don’t like fucking somebody and you don’t like eating with them, y’all don’t need to be together. And the longer you’re with somebody, it’s more eating and less fucking. You don’t remember the last time you fucked but you know you had rice and beans on Wednesday. You’re never gonna get a soul mate, the perfect person. You’re never gonna meet somebody that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan. It ain’t happening. Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man. There’s always a obstacle in the way. You’re never gonna meet the perfect person, it’s never gonna happen, OK? Every now and then, God likes to play practical jokes on people. God will send you on a double date with the perfect couple. You ever been out with the perfect couple? Ever made the mistake of going on a double date with a couple that’s actually in love? You in the middle of your bullshit relationship. And you sit down with two people that’s in love. You can’t even eat your food cos you can’t believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand, you’re like, “Oh, shit. “He’s really listening to what she’s got to say. “They really like being around each other. “Man, we can’t hang with them no more. They gonna break us up!” “Can’t let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life. No way!” See, the thing is, men, we are ill-prepared when it comes to relationships. We are ill-prepared. That’s right. You would think by now women would rule the world. You would think women would rule the world. But they don’t! They don’t. You know why? Cos women hate women. Women hate women. You do. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, “Fuck that bitch.” Women hate women. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think there’s other fish in the sea. If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, “Man, she’s nice. I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, when they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him. “And I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around they man. A good girlfriend too. “I’ll go shopping with her “but I ain’t gonna leave that bitch with my man for five minutes.” I remember one time, one time I was in a restaurant, me, my wife, her girlfriend. My wife said, “I’m going to the bathroom.” I say, “OK, I’ll see you when you get back.” She said, “No, you coming with me.” And she made me come with her. And she did the right thing cos I’d have fucked the girl. I’d have fucked her on the quesadilla, I don’t give a fuck. Nah, man. But one thing I learned, man, once you get married, fellas, women wanna be responsible for all your happiness. All your happiness. You got that? Not some of it. All of it. Fellas, you ever have your woman catch you jerking off? Ever have your woman catch you jerking off? Did she get mad at you, even though she wasn’t thinking about fucking you? Here’s the real deal, she ain’t mad you was jerking off. She’s mad you was making yourself happy. “How dare you make yourself fucking happy? “I’m in charge of happiness in this house. You’ll be miserable till I fucking say so. “Take your hands out yo pockets!” Another thing with women, one thing about women, women hate for you to expect anything. Don’t expect shit. A woman can cook for you every day for five years. Every day food is on the table, every day at 7:49, every day. The day you come home, there ain’t no food, and you ask nicely, “Honey, where’s the food?” “What am I, your fuckin’ maid? “You need to learn how to cook for yourself, you stupid motherfucker.” So, fellas, in order to avoid this, what you gotta do is act super-nice every time she does anything. No matter how little it is, make a big deal out of it. If she pour you some water, you gotta go, “Wow, water! “Get outta here. You’re incredible! You’re so smart!” She fucking folds a napkin. “Wow, look at that! You’re incredible.” You gotta treat ’em like retarded kids, OK? Man. That’s right. Married and bored, single and lonely. That’s right, guys. Here’s the thing – when you’re married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you’re single, you wanna kill yourself. Better her than me. Anybody in this room that’s ever been in love will testify to this shit. If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing the motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practised your alibi in front of the mirror… you ain’t been in love. The only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker was an episode of CSI. Man, they thorough. I’d better make up, they might catch my ass. That’s right, man. See, relationships are hard. But in order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to have the same focus. And we all know what that page is, what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work, both people have to have the same focus, and the focus is all about her. It’s all about her. She’s already there, fellas, she’s waiting for you to come aboard. Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. “Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans, “fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you. “Now let’s go out there and try and make this bitch happy.” Yes. It’s all about her, fellas. Say yes to everything. Everything. Everything you can afford, say yes to. Just say yes. Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth. “Honey, can…” Yes. “Honey, I…” Yes. Just get a stamp. Yes. Another thing, fellas – don’t argue. You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument, it’s impossible. You will not win, cos men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cos we have a need to make sense. Women ain’t gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument. Cos she not in it for sense, she’s in it for distance and irritation. “How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?” They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming. “Motherfucker, I’m serious! “Oh, shit, let me get the fuck outta here.” That’s right. And like I said, try your best to make her happy. Try your best. But here’s one thing nobody tells you. You can’t make a woman happy. It’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. Women are always complaining about something. Women like to complain, women save up shit to complain about. “He don’t even know I know but I’m gonna get his ass on that shit next month.” They like fucking complaining. They love it. No matter what you do, she’ll be mad. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, she’ll still complain. “Why’d you make me come so hard? “This diamond dick is cloudy. “Why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.” No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you. If you work all the time, “Why you work all the time? You ain’t never home. “You always leavin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you home all the time, “Why you all up under me? “Let me get some fucking room to breathe. “Damn, stop sweatin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you make more money than her. “Fuck you. I wanna make decisions too. “You ain’t my fucking daddy, I don’t need you to take care of me. “I hate this shit.” If she makes more money than you, “You broke motherfucker. “You never have no fucking money. Fuck this shit. “I don’t wanna make all these decisions. I need to be taken care of. “I hate this shit. I can’t take it.” And the number one reason your woman’s always mad, fellas, the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off… cos you ain’t her first choice. Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you but not saying nothing? In her mind, she’s thinking, “How did I end up with this ugly motherfucker? “Lord, this motherfucker’s ugly and stupid. “I had a good man and I blew it. “Damn, Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please. “Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new. “Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him! “If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead.” Nothing gets you ready for marriage, man. Nothing. Nobody. Nothing gets you ready for marriage. Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never fuck again. If you like fucking, marriage ain’t for you. Shit, I haven’t fucked in seven years. I’ve had intercourse. Intercourse is when she gets out of the shower on the nice sheets. Fucking’s in the back of a rental car when your woman’s going, “Come on, get some!” Nobody gets you ready for that shit. Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never get pussy again. If you like pussy, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t had pussy in seven years. I’ve had vagina. I hate vagina. I came out of a vagina. As soon as I got out, I said, “Man, I got to get me some pussy.” See, they don’t prepare you. They don’t tell you married women don’t have pussies. Married women have vaginas. If you go to a wedding and the woman’s throwing the bouquet, she ain’t throwing the bouquet, she’s throwing the pussy. “I won’t be needin’ this no more.” And the woman that catches it is gonna get married cos now she got two pussies. You gotta marry the two-pussy girl. But it ain’t just men that lose out on marriage. Women, you lose out too. Women, once you get married, he will never lick your pussy again. Pussy, vagina, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. He will never lick it again. I see some married women with tears in they eyes right now. He will never lick your pussy again. Forever ever. “Forever ever?” Forever ever. He will never lick your pussy again. That’s right. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll give it one coat. But he ain’t gonna put the finish on it like he used to. He used to put a spit-shine on your pussy. You had to put on shades just to look at your pussy. Put a little sticker next to your pussy – “objects in pussy may appear closer than they actually are.” Nobody gets you ready for this shit. That’s right, fellas, once you get married, no more blow jobs. If you like blow jobs, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t had a blow job in seven years. I’ve had fellatio. When you’re single, you get the best blow jobs in the world, 8, 12, 15 minutes straight like the girl’s auditioning on your dick, like she’s giving your dick a second opinion, like she’s going for her scuba licence. You get married, every married man I know gets the same lazy-ass blow job. It’s like three licks. “Is it hard? Put it in. I gotta fold these clothes.” What kind of lazy-ass blow job is this shit? If we was at a restaurant I would send it back. Waiter, this blow job ain’t ready yet. Yo, marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough. Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years, and did it with no fucking problems. Made to do hard labour in 100-degree South African heat for 27 years, and did it with no problems. He got out of jail, after 27 years of torture, spent six months with his wife and said, “I can’t take this shit no more!” I’m outta here. Y’all take care. Thank you! Best show ever. It was hilarious. Once you get married, life is over. No more blow jobs! I’m telling you, don’t get married. I’ll come and see him again. My dimples hurt, I laughed so hard. See? I just pissed on myself. What a great show! That was great. I really enjoyed it, it was wonderful. Great show.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BRIDGET EVERETT: GYNECOLOGICAL WONDER (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bridget-everett-gynecological-wonder-2015-full-transcript/

Recorded at Joe’s Pub at the Public Theater ( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you work really hard, and you dream really, really big… “and you stick with it, one day when you’re big, big girls… “if you’re really lucky… “you just might be the next Bridget Everett.” Do you know how much I’d like to suckle on Bridget’s titties? So much. I am vegan, and I would like to suckle on Bridget’s tits. I want to suckle those titties. You ever seen a raccoon in a garbage? That’s me… with Bridget’s pussy. I’m gonna suckle that titty Chardonnay. Fucking drink it all up. The garbage is Bridget’s pussy and I’m the raccoon. I don’t care that I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t care who knows. I want those titties. I just love cabaret. If Jesus Christ were alive today, he’d have great tits… he’d be singing cabaret and his name would be Bridget fucking Everett. Bridget. Bridget. Bridget. ( PHONE VIBRATES ) Oh, shit! ( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ) My baby! Boy, it really is windy out here… but it is expected to get increasingly windy as the night goes by. That concludes part seven of our– Excuse me, my water just broke, you filthy, fucking cunt! ( CROWD CHEERING ) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, Bridget Everett! ♪ Everybody better freak the fuck out ♪ ♪ The Bridge is coming down She’s turning it out ♪ ♪ No one can tell where that woman’s been ♪ ♪ But she’s smiling in the night Her mouth filled with sin ♪ ♪ So get ready and hold your man tight ♪ ♪ Because a bitch is fucking hungry she’s ready to bite ♪ ♪ Her legs are burning The lion will scream ♪ ♪ Little boys everywhere living the dream ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it up ♪ Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Joe’s Pub! My name is Bridget Everett. Some of you may not know me, but you will not fucking forget me! I’m coming here tonight to get drunk and talk about love… whatever the fuck that is! I hope you’re ready, honey! Because shit is about to get ridiculous! That’s right, honey, I’d fuck anything… even you. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother couldn’t be here tonight. But if she was here, she would tell you that there are three things in life that matter. Living large, loving large and Barry fucking Manilow! Yeah! ♪ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck some shit up ♪ What’s up, everybody? Anybody freaking out right now? Yeah, you should be! Oh, shit. Let me just clear up a couple quick things. Bridget, you wearing a bra? Nope, don’t need one! Next question. What the fuck? What the fuck is about to happen? You don’t know and neither do I! Hey, honey, hi. You guys been to the show before? And you’re sitting in the front row? You sick bitch. All right, let me just sit down for a second. I was just recently diagnosed with shortness of breath. You ever seen a pussy before? Oh, shit! You like feet? Yeah? That’s cute. I got two. All right, ladies and gentlemen. I know a lot of you, you look up here… and all you see is a classic, all-American beauty Bridget Everett. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t always like this. When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking. Like for a while, I had just one front tooth… and my brothers back in Bryant called me Fang, right? So I joined the swim team to get some dignity and some self-respect. And I was good, and the better I got, the broader my shoulders got… and then they started calling me Lurch, that guy from the Addam’s Family. You call me that in the street, I’m gonna cut your dick off, okay? Thank you so much. And then, my nipples came in. Like not my tits, just my nipples. And they got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty. So, I ran home, it was a Friday night. I remember, because I was watching Dallas and the Dukes of Hazzard, right? And I’m sitting on the couch, and I’m crying. And my mom, she looks at me, she says, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” She said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” And then she slid her hand down the back of my pants. Like not in a fucked up way, but because I got real soft skin, you’ll see. Then she said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Well, Brock and Brian got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty.” Do you know what she said to me? Do you know what she said to me? She said… ♪ Ooh don’t you cry ♪ Then she said, “Come with me, let’s have a drink.” She said, “Bridget, you’re a woman now. “You gotta stand tall and be proud of what your momma gave you, do you hear me?” ♪ You got the little nippy titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ She got the tube sock titties she put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ I got these beaver tail titties I put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them low-ridin’ titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the Tic Tac titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got them ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them baby soft titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the mouse trap titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the health insurance titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the rubber ducky titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the hammerhead titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got the it’s your good night titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the nah nah nah put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the flapjack titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ And we bounce bounce bounce we bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the Wu-Tang River sing peach pit titties ♪ ♪ Tic Tac Crackerjack Champagne jamming titties ♪ ♪ Ding dong New York City Just want titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce ♪ I’m just gonna do a quick costume change. Now, a lot of people come to this show… and they worry about the Tender Moments, my band… because they don’t get to see much, you know? But this part… is for them. Is there anybody here tonight that’s in love? How about you two with the matching sweaters from the Upper East Side? Are you guys in love? See, the way I always thought it would be was like… every morning you wake up, right? And she gives you a little kiss and your heart purrs like a little kitten, is that right? Every morning. And then like, if you wake up feeling all fat and shit… he says, “Don’t worry about it, baby. You still got great tits.” Is that right? And when you make love, he knows not– not just when, but how hard to choke you, am I right? Me? Yeah, I’ve been in love, too, thank you for asking. The year was 1982, she’s a very pretty girl. She was, um, a little Downs-ey, but I like that shit, you know. Her name was Jeanine… Jeanine the Machine and– Nobody would talk to her, you know, so I sat with her at the lunch table… and played Two Square with her and tetherball and all that bullshit, you know. And my friends Stephanie and Ilana, they were pissed. So I thought, you know what? I want to have a sleepover, a little slumber party, old school. It’s 1982, that’s the kind of shit people used to do back then… when they fucking cared about people. So I have everybody over there, we’re in my basement. And the mood was, um, I’m just gonna say, you know, RFC… real fucking chilly. Nobody was looking at anybody, nobody was talking or anything. I thought, “You know, let’s play a little game of ping pong.” Who doesn’t like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong. You guys like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong? So there we were. It was Stephanie and Ilana versus Bridget and Jeanine. Stephanie slammed a ball right into my little pooter right here… but I caught that motherfucker. Just– That’s when this thing still had a little spring left in it. She sits down her paddle. I dropped the ball. She says, “Hey, Bridget, how about a game of truth or dare?” I said, “I’m about it.” So I sit everybody down. I freshen everybody’s drinks. Stephanie looks at me, she says, “All right, Bridget, truth or dare?” I said, “Dare, bitch.” she said, “I dare you to take Jeanine into the closet and French kiss her for 45 seconds.” I said, “No problem.” So I take Jeanine by the hand, I walk her into the closet. And I do what I do. And I gotta tell you, her tongue was so sweet… it tasted just like a green apple Jolly Rancher. And up until that point, I’d never made love to anybody… other than my brother, but this shit felt nice, you know? So we’re laying there in the closet, you know? And I can feel that little fucking Jolly Rancher on my tongue. I’m holding her little TST… her little tube sock titty. I lift up my dress and I say, “Hey, I wore these for you.” “You want to touch it?” She said no. Hit the track. Are you sure? ♪ Say what you want babe when you look at me ♪ ♪ Say what you need baby I’m on my knees ♪ ♪ Say what you want baby when you look at me ♪ ♪ I’ll give you everything you’re gonna need ♪ ♪ I can’t read your mind no girl I ain’t got no crystal ball ♪ ♪ But if you get on your knees and you sing out to the little woman ♪ ♪ I’m gonna give you what you need ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ I’ve been watching you baby every single day ♪ ♪ I’ll keep watching you baby Don’t you walk away ♪ ♪ Ain’t no question baby Where you gotta be ♪ ♪ I’ll take you every place You need to be ♪ ♪ You got all the ladies standing in line ♪ ♪ Trying to kiss the ring ♪ ♪ But you got a woman here who knows what you need ♪ ♪ Welcome to the land of the free ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me Yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ Open wide. You remember me? You want to go for a ride? Come here. Hop on. Hop on. Hop on. Ladies and gentlemen… you know what they say? They say memories, you never know when you’re gonna make one. Jeanine, are you ready to dance for me? Are you ready to dance for me? Sure. You ready? You ready? Help her out! Here we go! ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ Give it up for Jeanine! I’ve been pregnant many times. And even though I never carried one of those babies to term… I still consider myself a wonderful mother. Hold on, I have a surprise for you. Uncle Adam? Thank you so much. My friend Amber came over to my house one time. She said, “Bridget, what’s with all the dolls?” I said, “Those aren’t dolls, those are my babies.” Thank you, Adam. This is Olivia. Here, hold my baby. Well, a few weeks ago, it was my birthday, right? You know, it was a big one. And, um, Mommy was getting a little cranky around the house. So my kids, they said, “Mommy, you gotta get out of the house.” I said, “Okay.” So, I left Saturday morning, and I got home sometime Monday night. I can’t tell you what I did, but I know I had a real nice time. Anyway, Tuesday morning I wake up, right? And I can smell smoke. Are there any mothers in the house? Okay, good. What’s the first thing you think of when you smell smoke? I’ll tell you. Where are my babies at? So I look to the left, right? I look to the left, and there’s Precious in her jar. And then– The twins were over there, the red-headed twins were over there behind the couch… but I didn’t see Olivia. And then I remembered that Mommy came in a little hot Monday night, you know. I don’t know what Olivia said, she might not have said anything… but I put her in time-out, you know? And she’s such a good, little girl, that she stayed there all night long. But Mommy never came and got her, because Mommy was drunk. And by the time I found her– This is a cautionary tale, you’re very pregnant. By the time I found her, her little legs had buckled… and her face had melted to the radiator. And she looked at me and she said, “Mommy, is it bad?” Ssh. She said, “Mommy, is it bad?” ♪ Who’s got the sweetest eyes ♪ ♪ You do ♪ ♪ Who’s got the brightest smile You do ♪ ♪ Every day is Sunday when I’m spending it with you ♪ ♪ Doesn’t matter where we are I need you ♪ ♪ Darling you make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ ♪ You give the sun its fire Who you do ♪ ♪ Darling you make the angels sing and you are my everything ♪ ♪ You make the choir swing Oh you do ♪ Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Olivia always had the sweetest, little singing voice. I mean, it’s not the same now that she’s got this little shit stain on her face. It’s like when your cousin did all that cocaine for all those years… and his nose slid off his face. Now when he talks– She’s a very brave, little girl, ladies and gentlemen. She never likes to miss a show. Here, hold my baby. This one’s for my little girls. Get ’em up on their feet and take them around the room. Put her hands up. Put her hands up. Fellas, are you ready? We’ll do that tight little chorus. ♪ You make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ Get off your feet and walk my fucking baby around the room, motherfucker! Just because you dumped your load all over town… and don’t take responsibility for a woman’s baby… doesn’t mean you can’t take responsibility for my baby tonight! ♪ Darling, you– Put your hands up, everybody. ♪ Darling you ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ I know a lot of you look up here… you’re like, “Man, there’s a woman that’s really got her shit together. And you’re right. I got great tits. I got the voice of an angel. And I got a pussy. I got a pussy. I got a pussy that’s– that’s so soft… that when you’re inside it… It feels like you’re sliding up and down a stick of butter. Do you like butter? Everybody likes butter, right? Everything’s better with butter. It’s like you’re always at the movies. That’s right. Duh-duh… Some people are like, you know, “Bridget, you drink too much. But I don’t drink ’cause I have a problem. I drink because it’s fucking delicious. And I know that some of you got problems. I mean, I look around the room and I see some really fucked-up looking people here tonight. Jeanine, if you weren’t before, you are now. Do– do you have a family? Do you spend the holidays and shit with them? You know you don’t have to, right? Just kidding. No, I love my mother. I’m a momma’s girl. And a lot of what she told me… brought me here to this stage tonight. Right? She said, “Bridget, always eat before you go out to dinner… “so you don’t embarrass yourself.” Check, done. Number two, your father’s a prick. Check, done. And number three– now go home and tell your baby this tonight. She said, “Bridget, a woman isn’t really a woman until she tries anal.” Hit the track! This song goes out to anybody with a pussy! And I’m not talking about a vagina! I’m talking about a pussy! ♪ There he was just a standing on the street ♪ ♪ With them lazy blue eyes was he lookin’ back at me ♪ ♪ I said boy where you goin’ Don’t care where you’ve been ♪ ♪ You want to drink fucking love It’s a win win win ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you walk what you’re gonna do to me ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you talk You’re gonna give it to me ♪ ♪ So please take my number I’ll tell you where I live ♪ ♪ Gonna leave the light on Give give give ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ Hot sweet and sticky like Mrs. Butters worth ♪ ♪ Lick your fingers stick it in and get your money’s worth ♪ ♪ You’re a big, tough daddy with a loaded gun ♪ ♪ Whip it out slap it down and let your motor run ♪ ♪ I’m gonna let it let it rip to the tippy tippy top ♪ ♪ Shit starts poppin’ there ain’t no way to make it stop ♪ ♪ Oh what I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Dance break! ♪ This kitty is hungry give her her bowl ♪ ♪ Pop into the center of this Tootsie Roll ♪ ♪ I’ll say one more thing and then I’ll be done ♪ ♪ Put your– ♪ In my hot brown bun ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I What I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Let me hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Just the ladies! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your turn, fellas! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Ladies, show these motherfuckers how it’s done! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ I can’t hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Last time! Cut the track! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your mothers love you, New York City! Did you get any good shots with your camera over there? Okay. I want you to have a Christmas card. Okay. Anyway, I just want you to take a look around the room, okay? Look to your left and look to your right. and know that I’m about to give somebody the cunning gift… that you’re never gonna forget. Ladies and gentlemen, you can call it making love. You can call it having sex. But somebody’s getting fucked tonight. Hit the track. Dr. Jason. ♪ I’m coming like a cheetah when she sees her prey ♪ “‘Cause it’s hunting season every single day ♪ ♪ Oh you’re smooth like butter and I’m fucking like a kitty ♪ ♪ You got me wet like the rain ♪ ♪ Pouring on the streets of the city ♪ ♪ My name is Bridget and I’m here to say I’m gonna make you my baby in every way ♪ ♪ Take baby home and put you to bed ♪ ♪ Pull down them pants and give you head ♪ ♪ Slap you in the face and get on top ♪ ♪ Ride that thing ’til the wheels come off ♪ ♪ Pound that thing and spit on you too ♪ ♪ That’s just what a lady do ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track… cut the track. Cut the track… cut the track. What’s up, Mr. Giggles? I was wondering if it would be okay if I sang you a song. Would that be okay? Okay. Would you go sit on the stool in the middle of the stage? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You remind me of Jeanine, you remember Jeanine? You’re like a little Downs-ey, a little. Let me ask you a quick question. Let me ask you a quick question. What kind of dick you got? Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. You got one of them two-tone motherfuckers, is that what you got? You got a little two-tone dick, hmm, hmm, hmm? Pink on top, brown on the bottom, is that what you got? You whip it out, it looks like a Benetton ad? Is that what you got? Hmm, hmm, hmm? Little peppy boy, hmm? No, that’s not it. That’s not it. Maybe you got one of them B-Double-Ds. You got a B-Double-D? You know what a B-Double-D is? Hmm? A Baker’s Dozen dick? Hmm? That’s when that shit is like 13 inches and it’s so big… you can’t get the flag all the way up the pole. So when you’re laying on top of your baby momma… it’s like you’re taking a dozen down comforters and trying to stuff ’em in a dorm room dryer. Is that what you got? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… no, no, I know, I know, I know. You got a little COC up there, don’t you? A little can of corn, is that what you got? Got a little can of corn up there, don’t you, baby doll, mm-hm. And I don’t know if like– if you’re into like the culinary classics, you know? Like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, ham and cheese… fucking potato and sour cream, whatever the fuck it is. You know… nothing tastes as good as corn… and a little pad of butter. You like that, Larry? Because, Larry, I’m a dreamer, and I know you’re a dreamer. We’re all dreamers here, we’re living in New York City. Right? You gotta be a fucking dreamer to be here. Right, Larry? And everybody in this room, everybody here is waiting… for cabaret to catch fire, it may, it may not, we don’t know. In my dream, Larry… my dream is to play Madison Square Garden. But you know what? That may never happen. So here’s what I want you to leave here with tonight, okay, Larry? I may never play Madison Square Garden… but I am gonna sit on your face. t the track. ♪ Hey old friend ♪ ♪ Come sit with me ♪ Excuse me. ♪ Don’t be lonely tonight ♪ ♪ Oh please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’ll dance under the moon ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ Stay right here until the night is through ♪ I’m in demand. ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ For me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Please stay with me ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, put your candles in the air! Hold me. Larry… ♪ Oh I don’t care if tomorrow never comes ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight old friend ♪ ♪ You’re the only one ♪ ♪ So please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’re gonna dance under the moon yeah ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ We’ll stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Til the night is through ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ But me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ Lay down, Larry. ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Put your legs up, Larry! Let’s fly! ♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me yeah ♪ Yeah! Give it up for Larry, everybody! Take a bow, Larry. Thank you, have a seat. ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the Tender Moments! Mike Jackson! Matt Ray! Carmine Cavelli! Adam Horowitz! Thank you, Joe’s Pub! Goodnight! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. You weren’t exaggerating. You really do feel like butter. Yeah? You like that? Mm, yummy. ♪ ‘Cause we’re living the dream and we ain’t gonna stop ♪ ♪ We’re living Yeah we’re fucking living ♪ ♪ We ain’t gonna stop ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

D.L. Hughley: Unapologetic (2007) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/d-l-hughley-unapologetic-transcript/

[Audience cheering] (DL Hughley enters from stage left with his head cocked and grabs the microphone) Hey now! How yallll doiinnnnnn. How yall doin chocolate city? Goddamn. Now, there’s some good looking people around here. Give yourself a round of applause. [Audience cheering] That’s nice! It’s a mixed audience too, man. It’s the doctor sitting next to the motherfucker that’s gonna rob him after the show. [Audience laughter] That shit– Look at all the white people ohhhhh shiitt. (Widens his eyes and rotates his body away from audience) Man I was at the capitol today. I had no idea the capitol was right next to the roughest fucking neighbor I ever been to in my whole goddamn life. [Audience laughter] I saw a squirrel with a bullet proof vest on. [Audience laughter] Fuck this shit ah. I mean the capitol is surrounded by pedophiles, criminals and drug addicts and that’s just the House of Representatives. [Audience laughter] (Laughs) That’s true. [Audience cheering] You know DC is a black city. They got to bus white people in. Aint that a bitch? (Chuckles) (In a monotone politician sounding accent): We’re going to the city. Let’s all go together. [Audience laughter] I don’t understand it. Now we got everybody running for president. We got a Mormon, a black man and a woman. Sounds like I’m getting ready to tell a bar joke, don’t it? [Audience laughter](Laughs) Hilary Clinton. Every time she get in front of a black audience she talk black. You ever notice that? She going to fuck around and slip up. (Mocking Hilary Clinton) “Bitch, Please! Ohh, oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that shit out loud.” (He heals over and puts his hands on his knees) Who else we got? We got John McCain. He running for president, but he’s 70 fucking years old. Seventy years old, you can’t be president. You must be out your fucking mind. [Audience laughter] Seventy. The only job you should ever have is a greeter at Walmart. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience laughter] I ain’t bullshittin’. If your birthday got 190- anythang in it, you should be taking a nap. [Audience laughter] Let your ass be president you fall asleep on the button and blow us all up. What the fucka–? Now, Giuliani, he’s running for president. And his sole qualification is that he was mayor of New York when 9/11 happen’. You know, he was there…. so he an expert on terrorism. That’s like me seeing a pregnant woman and go, “ooh, she must be an espert on fucking.” (Widens eyebrows and eyes) [Audience laughter] She was there when it happened. (Raises his arm like “what”) We got Mitt Romney running for president and he’s a Mormon. And Mormons up to 1978 believed it was a sin to be black. Ain’t that a bitch? (Chokes on ‘that’ as if he is in disbelief) [Audience laughter] We talking about 1978. That’s two years after the Jefferson’s. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughter] How could you believe Weezy aint going to heaven? That’s— Well, I guess you could go to heaven they had a loophole we could get to heaven but we had to be real good and once we got there, we still had to be slaves. Ain’t that fucked up? (Raises an octave when he says ‘fucked’ for emphasis) You spend your whole life giving up hookers and drugs and walkin’ in Gods light and your reward is to be the limo driver for Donny and Marie. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience laughter] And the big question is, Barack Obama is running for president. (Mocks a news reporter): Is the country really ready for a black president?Ha! After the motherfuck we got, come on, now. [Audience laughter] Ha, come on. [Audience cheering] Let’s be realistic. Heh. How bad could we fuck up? What are we gonna do? Steal an election, start a war, and give our friends jobs we know they ain’t qualified for? [Continued audience cheering and laughing] What the fuck are we gonna do? I don’t understand—of course shit would be different if we had a black president. You have questions at the White House you never had to answer. (Mocks the presidents assistant): “Mr. President, uh, you know. You’re president now. You don’t have to carry your own gun.” “Uh…Mr. President, I know, we love dogs too, but pit bulls are illegal in Washington D.C. Mr. President.” [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, you wife asked for a hot comb. We don’t know what the fuck that is. [Audience laughter louder] Is the comb already hot or do you heat it up? We asked Condoleezza Rice and she didn’t know either. [Audience laughter and cheering even louder] So we don’t know what that’s all about.” (Laughs)[Audience cheering] “Mr. President, are you going to get sleepy after every single meal, Mr. President? We don’t know what itis is, Mr. President.”(Laughs) [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, the kitchen called and they said they serve other things besides wings, Mr. President. [Audience laughter] Or what you like to call ghetto crab legs, Mr. President.” [Audience laughter] “Mr. President, do I have to give you dap every single time I see you, Mr. President? Can’t I just nod in agreement?”(Raises his arm as if he confused, mocking the assistant) Barack Obama’s biggest problem is not his color. It’s his name. That just don’t sound like an American president. Were used to John and George and Bill. Barack Obama that sounds like the owner of a 7-Eleven, don’t it-ey? [Audience laughter] Every time I say that shit, I want a Slurpee, goddamn. [Audience laughter] I just, and of course, it would be historic if he became president. They’d put his face on money. All the fucking good money taken. They’d probably piss us off and put his picture on a food stamp and wed be madder than a motherfucker. [Audience laughter] (Mocking the general population in a monotone voice) “Have you seen the Obama Bucks? That’s—what’s—that’s nice.” [Audience laughter] This is D.C. and of course, everything happens here. It is where the immigration debate is raised. And they want to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out. I’m like, who the fuck gonna build it? [Audience laughter](Laughs twice) I know we ain’t. (Holds stomach as if he was taking blame for something) And I cannot imagine white people working in the sun that long, (mocking a white person) “Oh, lord. How many more bricks do we have to go? Jesus. Jose, help me with the wall. As long as you’re on the other side when we finish no one will know. Please Jose.” [Audience laughter] Arizona, California, Texas, New Mexico and Nevada was all Mexico until the 1900s. Them motherfuckers’ ain’t crossing the border. We moved it. [Audience laughter] These are the people who build our homes watch our children and grow our food, and we want to insult them by building a fucking wall? If were gonna build a wall, at least put their names on it. And tell them it’s a monument or something. (Motions in the air) This is for you, Lupe. Here’s your name right here. (Points as if he is pointing to a wall with Lupe’s name on it) [Audience laughter] This nation was founded by immigrants. Everybody in this motherfucker took a boat. [Audience applauding] Some of us willingly. (Laughs) We actually have a law here that says if Cubans leave Cuba and make it to America, they get to stay. So if I was Mexican, I’d float over to Cuba and ride back with them motherfuckers. [Audience laughter] (Mocking border patrol and a Mexican immigrant) “Are you Cuban” “Si” “Are you sure?” “Si” “All right, let ‘em in…. but if he touches a piñata he’s out of here. I swear to God” The statue of Liberty you go to New York, it has an inscription on the bottom by Emma Lazarus that is a tribute an invitation to– to immigrants. Give me your tired, your poor, you huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, and I lift my lamp by the golden door. That’s—that shit is beautiful. [Audience applauding] But if we don’t mean it, let’s scratch that shit off. [Audience laughter] Or at least put, (mocking Americans) “P.S. Except for Mexicans. We reserve the right to refuse the service to anybody. She’s holding a lamp, not a leaf blower” [Audience laughter] I don’t understand it man. We have a law here. (Gets tripped up on what he was saying) Uh, y’all riding a yellow bus or something? What the fuck–? [Audience laughter] All kind of shit going on. I don’t understand. Of course you can’t say nothing to nobody no more. Everybody’s politically correct. You can’t say nothing no god damn more. That’s the fucking deal. It all started with—remember Mel Gibson said, (mocking Mel Gibson) “Jews started all the wars,” but he couldn’t take the heat for it. “No, no, I don’t hate Jews. I was drinking.” Mark Foley who molested the little boys the little pages in the—in the—(laughs) in the page program (mocking Mark Foley) “I don’t molest boys, I was drinking” Well, I done drink a lot in my life. I’ve never hated a Jew or fucked a little boy. I have gotten drunk and fucked a fat woman, but that’s okay. (Shakes his head and raises his eyebrows) [Audience laughter] People saying shit, it all started with that Michael Richards too. This motherfucker said “n i g g e r” eight times before the audience decided they were offended. (Mimicking audience) “Wait—wait a minute [Audience laughter] (looks around as if he was shocked) was that the eighth ‘n i g g e r’ right there? That was eight. Eight. Well, I usually allow myself two ‘n i g g e rs’ a year, but this is ridiculous.” [Audience laughter] (Laughs) People act like rappers and comedians came up with the word ‘n i g g e r’. We didn’t. ‘N i g g e r’ is older than baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie. [Audience laughter] You show me a white man that ain’t said ‘n i g g e r’ and I’ll show you a 2-year-old. Fuck that shit-eh. [Audience laughter] That’s the fucking deaaaaa (prolongs deal and laughs). [Audience laughter] Jesse Jackson’s gone on TV. (Mimics Jesse Jackson) “We should stop using the word ‘n i g g e r.’” Well, Jesse, if we do, you won’t have a job. [Audience laughter] And if the po-leece can’t say‘n i g g e r’ how they gonna tell us to get out of the car? (Mimics a police officer and a black man) “Get out of the car, sir.” “Oh, fuck him, he’s bullshitting us.” (Laughs) [Audience laughing] Look at all the white people. (Mimics his audience) “I wish I could say that. I do” (shakes his head and moves it forward mocking his audience. Moves all the way until his hands are at his knees) well you can, just not here. (Laughs) Do it in your car, like you always do. (Laughs) (Mimics white person is their car) “N i g g e r!” (Imitates car motor revving and moves across the stage with his hand around a fake steering wheel) [Audience clapping] I don’t know how I’m gonna stop saying ‘n i g g e r’ when it describes some motherfuckers I know so perfectly. [Audience laughter] Everybody know that one motherfucker that can only be described as, (covers his face as if he is embarrassed) “That n i g g e r, there. Goddamn!” ooh, ooh. “Oh this n i g g e r here, shit! How did he get my goddamn number, this n i g g e r here?” (Continues to have his hand over his face) (Laughs) Truth is I know black men and I know ‘n i g g e rs.’ And they all have their place. If I’m hanging out at dinner, I like to hang around with black men. But if the shit break out, here tonight, it’s AND a n i g g e r working for me tonight. The n i g g e r made my hotel arrangements. (Soft laugh) The black man picks up my money. [Audience laughter] ‘Cause you know, them n i g g e rs there, boy they—“where my money?” (Mocks a ‘n i g g e r’ in the situation) “You were supposed to get some money?” [Audience laughter] “I didn’t know you was supposed to get some money.” I—So tired of the shit I see. This dude got offended, man. Just always offended. I say what the fuck I feel. I ain’t trying to hurt nobody’s feelings. I was talking to this Asian dude and I called him ‘Oriental’ This motherfucker (mocking an Asian person) “I am not Oriental, I am Asian!” Motherfucker, I don’t know?? All I know is y’all run from Godzilla the same fucking way. [Audience cheering and laughing] That’s all the fuck I know. What the fuck I know? (Chuckling while saying) And all the white people (Mocking the white people in his audience, sounds like a cry) “I wish I could say that too. I can’t say anything.” The only cool thing about being a black comedian is you get to say shit other people can’t say. That’s the fucking deal. But that’s it. That’s the only advantage, man. But if y’all want, we can switch places. We’ll rule the wooorld [Audience laughing], and you get to say “n i g g e r” “bitch” and “ho.” [Audience laughter] And well throw in some of your white women to make it even. [Louder audience laughing] We’ll give em back to you. Everybody getting in trouble. Don Imus got in trouble, man. Don Immus, I don’t know why somebody would take him seriously. That motherfucker look like a werewolf that didn’t finish changing. [Audience laughter] Like he was just about to turn into a werewolf, but the moon went down and uh shit! (Turns his body quickly around towards the back of the stage as if he is in disbelief) (Mocking Don Immus) “Where’s my cowboy hat?” And Al Sharpton, he was on TV more than the Lady Knights of Rutgers. Ain’t that a bitch? At one point, I thought he played for Rutgers. I’m like, who is the chubby chick with the perm? (Points as if he is pointing to his TV, pauses in this position) What the fuck–? I don’t understand that shit, man. It ain’t what you’re called it’s what the fuck you answer to. When we was growing up your mom used to say shit like (mimics his mother) “they talked about Jesus you think they gonna talk about you?” Sticks and stones can break your bones motherfucker he can say what he wants just don’t let him put his hands on you that, we used to hear that shit all the time, man. [Audience clapping] I remember, uh, I mean freedom of speech is a zero-sum proposition. Either you believe in or you don’t. Pretty soon they gonna tell us we can’t say shit. And that’s the fucking deal, man. I don’t understand none of that shit. I don’t get upset about nothing. You can call me what you want. Like I said it’s what I’m going to answer to. Like Don Immus called them girls nappy-headed ho’s, and that was wrong, ‘cause they wasn’t ho’s. [Audience laughter] But two or three of them motherfuckers was nappy-headed. Don’t act like it’s just me. Fuck y’all. [Audience laughter] I know something about nappy hair. I can swim and the middle of my hair won’t get wet. Fuck y’all. Shit. [Audience laughter] A sister’s hair and sweat don’t go together, no goddamn way. You know sisters can’t take water in their hair. Are you fucking crazy? You’ll start the game looking like Halle Berry. By the fourth quarter you look like me. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughing] “Is that Ben Wallace?” “No that’s Bonita Wallace.” (Busts out laughing) [Audience roaring] I go all over the country and I realize, man, there’s other things we could be doing. Like, I don’t knock nobody’s house. I really try not to, man. But you know, we have a lot of problems in our community other than what happened with Don Imus. Like, Don Imus in the grand scheme of things don’t matter. You know that 93 percent of black people killed in this country are killed by other black people? One in three black people in this country and in this city in particular, can’t read. That’s a fucking problem. There are more black men in jail than are in college, and we fucking around with Don Imus? Fuck that. (Scuffs) But I guess that makes sense ‘cause apparently that was the one white man that was holding us back. [Audience laughter] (Laughs) Now we got rid of him, shit gonna go good. Y’all know that shit is funny. Fuck y’all. Y’all know its fucking funny. [Audience laughing louder] We have different experiences, man. (Scuffs) I’m so tired of white people falling off cruise ships, I don’t know what the fuck to do. What is this shit all about? [Audience laughter] It ain’t like we ain’t been drunk on boats. We just don’t fall off them motherfuckers. (Mimics himself on a cruise) “Awhhh nawww, I’m going back to the bar.” I stopped—I don’t like cruising to the Caribbean ‘cause all them fucking islands look alike. I don’t even think that boat went no goddamn where. [Audience laughter] Just wait for everybody to fall asleep and pulled back in. (Mimics himself having a conversation with an islander) “Is this Jamaica?” “Yeah mon, yeah mon.” And you get seasick, so they say take this patch. Put it behind your ear to stop the boat from rocking. Like motherfucker, why don’t you put the patch on the side of the boat? Shit. [Audience laughter] I stopped liking cruises when I saw the Titanic. Women think it’s a romantic story. I think it’s dumber than a motherfucker. He fucked that girl one time, had to give her the whole piece of wood. Fuck y’all. [Audience laughter] You can have half. [Continued audience laughter] You ain’t even met my mama yet. Fuck you. Shit. [Audience cheering] Shit happens I don’t fucking understand man. White folk getting shot at work don’t know what the fuck to do. If you—if you not sure what to do, watch us. When we leave, come, goddamn it. ‘Cause we easing out the building. Look at this crazy motherfucker right here. [Audience laughter] This place about to be on the news. Come on Jose (mocking the same Mexican as previously described) “Si. Si. Si. Si.” [Audience clapping] White folk walking right up to the trouble. (Imitates a whiter person in the building) “Hey what are you doing here with the camouflage on? Nobody told me it was casual fri—“(Imitates gunshots and body motions like he is getting shot) We be at home watching the news. (Mimics himself as he is watching the news) “I was just there. Oh. They done killed the supervisor. I’m applying for the job tomorrow.” Fuck that shit. We just have different experiences. Like white folk ain’t scared of the police. They talk shit to them. (Mimics an angry white person getting pulled over by the police) “Hurry up and write the goddamn ticket, you son of a bitch! [Audience laughter] Fucking pig! All this crime going on and you’re fucking with me? There’s a black guy and a Mexican. One of them done something. Goddamn it! Give me your badge number asshoooole.” That shit don’t work for us, do it? (Mimics a black person getting pulled over by the police) “Give me your – oh (slams the microphone next to his side to indicate gunshots and moves his body as if he is getting shot) Help me, Jose! No speak-a English. No, no.” [Audience laughter] We got a different relationship with the po-lice. You ever had the po-lice follow you so long you get suspicious of your own goddamn self? [Audience laughter] “Maybe I did kill them motherfuckers, actually…” You ever notice the more fucked up you are the better you try to drive? When you real high, you stop 20 feet before the light. [Audience clapping] Slip your seat belt on. You got a bottle of liquor on the seat next to you, so you put a seat belt on that motherfucker too. (Bends down like he is talking to the liquor bottle next to him in the car) “Hey if they stop us, act like we ain’t together.” And when you high, everything look like a police car. Don’t it? “Oh shiiiiiit. Check out the police. Hey bitch, take that ski rack off your car.” You done made me our out a bag of weed, fucking with you. Let’s go back Jose.”(Mimics Mexican from earlier) “Si. Si. Si. Si.” (Walks away) [Audience laughter] Everything’s fucking crazy, now, man. And now we don’t want to know what’s going on in the news, so they anesthetize us with bullshit stories. I mean, Paris Hilton. I don’t even know what the fuck she is famous for? What the fuck did she doooo? ‘Cause her mom and daddy own hotels? You don’t never see them Ramada bitches. You ever see them out? [Audience laughter and clapping] (Look of confusion on his face) You don’t see them Motel 6 ho’s, you don’t see them out. And now she going to jail, but I bet she keep her panties on in jail. I bet you that. [Audience laughter] I’m so glad Michael Jackson didn’t go to jail. (Laughs) That’s. That’s one motherfucker ain’t cut out fo’ the penitentiary. [Audience laughter] They’d have been passing his ass around like a joint. (Imitating inmates) “Would you like a hit of the king of pop?” “Why yes, I would.” [Audience laughter] I felt bad for the courtroom artist, ‘cause that bitch had to draw Michael Jackson. (Scuffs) And that can’t be easy, ‘cause his color ain’t even in the crayon box. [Audience laughter] You gotta mix some shit up to draw Michael Jackson. (Mocking someone deep in thought) “I’m gonna need some peach and some yellow.” [Audience laughter]“Are you drawing Michael Jackson?” “Yes I am ho!” Some motherfuckers ain’t cut out for jail, like Ken Lay. The CEO of, uh, Enron. This motherfucker was supposed to go to jail and pay 30 million dollars. And what’d he do? He died. And uh, that taught me a valuable lesson. If you owe a motherfucker that much money, just die. Fuck that shit. [Audience laughter] (Makes a funny face) Shit, I hope when I die the last check I write bounce like a motherfucker. (Scuffs) (Mimics someone trying to bounce his check) “Mr. Hughley, there seems to be— (makes a long squealing noise) [Audience laughing] He did it on purpose. That n i g g e r there. Goddamn.” (Shakes his head) Maybe that astronaut. This woman found out her man was fucking around so she drove from Texas to, to Florida with a diaper on ‘cause she didn’t have time to stop and shit. Ain’t that somethin’? And what I want to know is, what car you know go 900 miles without stopping for gaaas? [Audience laughter] So you’ll stop for gas, but you’ll just shit on yourself? What is that? [Audience laughter] “Hey ma’am, can I help you?” (Mimics the woman, straining his voice like he is pooping) “No, I’m all right.” Somebody needs to change that baby. Shit. (Motions like he is smelling something bad) They gonna be selling these to crazy-ass women everywhere. Llaughs) (Mimics an informational commercial) “Have you ever been on your way to choke a bitch ‘cause you find out she’s fucking your man? All of a sudden, you got to take a shit. Try new AstroDrawers. For the woman on the go with no place to do it.” [Audience laughter] I read about this—I remember this skydiving instructor she found out her man was fucking around. She invited the woman he was fucking to go skydiving. And like a dumbass, she went. [Audience laughter] And was shocked that the parachute didn’t open up. Just a note fell out that said, “Bye bitch!” [Audience laughter] “You must not know about me. You must not.” (Singing to the tune of Irreplaceable by Beyonce) [Audience laughter and cheering] I don’t understand. And I’m actually sad when any human being dies. I’m not passing judgment. I’m just telling you how I see it. Now, when five people claim to be your baby daddy, you a ho. [Audience laughter and clapping] She had more nuts in her than a Snickers bar, that’s all the fuck I’m saying. [Audience laughter] Alec Baldwin got in trouble because people got upset because he called his 11-year old daughter a pig. (Mimicking the people complaining about this in a whiny voice) “I can’t believe that an adult would talk to a child like that.” Are you out of yo fucking mind? Compared to the way we got talked to when we was growing up? (Mimics his mother) “If you don’t sit down and shut the fuck up, I will knock the shit out of you. Ignorant son of a bitch. [Audience cheering] Got me cussing. No I’m saved too. Shit.[Audience laughter] Boy you cost me a trip to heaven, I will fuck you up (really intense). I swear to god. I, I’m sorry, Jesus. Amen. Amen. (Puts his hand over his face) Please, Lord, don’t let me raise up and choke the fuck out of this motherfucker, please.” [Audience laughter] Shit, when I was in third grade, my mama shot me. Ain’t that a bitch? [Audience laughter] Yeah with a .22, but it still hurt. I don’t understand it man. These fucking kids, I don’t understand. They’re soft too, man. They’re fucking soft. You leave ‘e in the car in the summer and they die. What type of shit is that? [Audience laughter] We got left in the car in the summer and we didn’t die. We had sense enough to get out of the fucking car. It’s hot. We’re in the car. We gonna die. Not me. I’m gonna get out the car. [Audience laughter] (Mimics a conversation between him and his brother at a young age) “Mama said don’t get out.” “I’m taking a whuppin’ but I’m getting out the car. It’s easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.” Fuck that shit. [Audience laughter] Our mothers use to treat us—oh man. I remember I was 5 years old. I told my mother I was gonna run away. (Scuffs) She went (imitates his mother) “don’t nobody want your nappy-headed ass but me. Who the fuck wants you but me?” [Audience laughter] Oh, man. MY mom used to send me to the liquor store when I was 8 years old to get liquor and cigarettes. (Reenacts a conversation between his mother and him at 8 years old) “Hey mama, they ain’t gonna give me that shit. I’m 8.” “Hm! Take this note.” [Audience laughter] Don’t act like it’s just me. Fuck y’all. (Laughs) [Audience clapping] My mom used to have me so stressed out I had to smoke on the way home. (Mimics his 8 year old self) “Oh, shit. I can’t take it.” (Puts his hand over his face as if he is stressed out) It’s harder for kids. Teachers are having sex with kids, which I find downright disgusting. They weren’t doing that shit when I was growing up. [Audience laughter] I have been denied a good education.(nods head) They was fucking like that, I’d have went to school on a Saturday. (Mocks a conversation between his father and himself at a young age) “Where you going son?”(Uses a deep voice to mimic his father) “School.” “But it’s Saturday.” “I know Daddy, but they fucking in school.” “Well, let me come down here with you, make sure everything’s all right.” [Audience laughter] You never see no sisters. They don’t do that shit. Black female teachers don’t do that shit. A sister is not gonna have sex with no kids. A sister ain’t gonna give no pussy unless you got a job. (Mimics a black female teacher) “I know you 6, but you better get a paper route or something. This is school. School is for learning. And the first lesson is, pussy costs. Get a job, goddamn it.” I ain’t never seen so many fat-ass kids in my whole fucking life. How the fuck you 5 and fat? Fat-assed 5-year-old. Fuckin 5 and fat. “Come here.” (Mimics a five year old with a high pitched voice) “I can’t. I’m five and I’m fat.” You know why they fat? ‘Cause they don’t go outside and play. When was the last time you was driving down the street and kids was outside playing? When we was growing up, we couldn’t go outside, we’d lose our fucking minds. That’s how your mom used to punish you. (Mimics his mother again) “Either I’m gonna whup your ass or you can’t go outside.” You take the whupping like a motherfucker. [Audience laughter] You be outside sniffling and playing. (Pretends to be sniffling and crying) “I’m outside, though.” These kids are something else, man. And I mean, when I was growing up, every boy, every boy tried to fight his father. It was just a rite of passage. You had to. My father started moving a little slower, and I Uh-huh. I can take this motherfucker. He’s slow. So one day, I tried. I don’t really remember a lot about it. [Audience laughter] but I can say he wasn’t as slow as I thought he was. [Audience laughter] At one point, I thought I was fighting three motherfuckers. [Louder audience laughter] “How did you get behind me?”And my mother was on the porch cheering him on. (In a high pitched tone he mimics his mother) “Fuck him up, Charlie! Fuck him up!” I had to call time-out. Time—time—time-out. I know you exhausted. I am. I am. [Audience laughter] And now I see my 18-year-old son looking at me the same way. You know, but he—this motherfucker ain’t never had a fight in his whole goddamn life. I’m, I’m not the first fight you want to have, son. You want to work your way up to me. [Audience laughter] Go in there and fight your sisters or something for a while. ‘Cause there ain’t no way in the world I’m gonna let a child of mine kick my ass. And even if you do win, where the fuck you gonna live? [Audience laughter] You will be an undefeated, homeless, hungry motherfucker. “I won, but I’m so hungry. I want to go home!” (Mimics his son in a crying defeat. Throws his head back) (laughs) [Audience laughter] There were so many things I was never concerned about but now I am, like you know the older you get and the more you look around, you see how the world has changed like global warming never seemed to mean shit to me until a couple of years ago when that tsunami happened, you remember 200,000 people died in that, no animals died, that’s true. Animals sensed what was going on and got the fuck out. And now they tryin to use them for an early warning system, like a chicken gonn tell us what’s goin on. (Man): “Whats’ wrong boy?”(Chicken): “You’ll find out” (Hughley moves his head like a chicken, bobbing up and down). Chicken “It’s about to be fucked up around here; Come on Jose” Jose: “si si si si”. I don’t even know how the fuck you get killed in a tsunami, one of the first signs of a tsunami is that the beach leaves. If I ever go to the beach and the beach ain’t there, then I’m takin my black ass home. People stay and try to figure out “I came all the way to Thailand see the beach and it has the audacity to not be here. I demand that, oh, here it comes” (Long laughter as Hughley looks up in awe at a huge wave about to crash into him). Oh my god, that’s a lot of water Jose. Jose? (Looks around for jose) Screams Jose! Hurricane Katrina, another example for me of global warming, I was actually in Japan when Hurricane Katrina hit. And I don’t speak Japanese but I kept watching the news and they kept showin people runnin, and they kept sayin refugees, and I said refugees; what the fuck happened in Haiti? It wasn’t refugees, it was American citizens, if you was stealin clothes or food to survive you wasn’t lootin. However that one motha fucka who was pushin that 60 inch plasma t.v. through six feet of water, he was lootin like a motha fucka like, the fuck you stealin a tv while you on tv you dumb son of a bitch. Where the fuck you gonna plug it in at? Whooo that n i g g a god damn (Hughley puts his hand in his head for 5 seconds while the audience laughs). “How come they didn’t’ leave”, that was the biggest question in the country; “they should’ve left, they had plenty of warning they should’ve left”. Well that’s the poorest area of the country, the average income’s about $8000 a year in a lot of parts of new Orleans. That kind of money you ain’t goin no fuckin where, plus black people feel like we got a special relationship with god. “Ima wait on the Lord”. “God gon gimme a sign”, and he will, but you gotta stop lookin for the big shit, the burnin bushes and the rumbling clouds. Sometimes God just sends a weatherman sayin “all this shit right here (Hughley waving his arms around an imaginary map) “Is about to blow down the street”. That’s from the book of dopplar radar 911 now get in the fuckin car. The more things I see the more things that amaze me I’m glad to see so many white women out here, it was a rough year for yall, it was a rough couple of years, you couldn’t turn on the news, without a missing white woman, its just every time. (Hughley pretends to be a news anchor) “Another missing white woman. We go live to bed, bath, and beyond”. (Audience and Hughlely laugh). The first missing white woman was the runaway bride in Georgia, this bitch had the biggest eyes I ever seen in my whole fucking life. You can’t kidnap someone with eyes that big. She’ll see you coming (With wide eyes) “You tryin to come kidnap me huh”. “I was, but you saw us now. I read about this one white woman who broke her black husband out of the penitentiary in Tennessee. Ima get me a white woman, fuck y’all shit. You can’t get a sista to pick you up from the airport. (pretending to be sister) “Ima drive around TWO TIMES, if yo ass ain’t out, I’m about to go”. I got a nail appointment I don’t know who you think you fucking with, what is wrong wich you”. (Hughley and audience laugh) You know it’s fuckin true man. I can understand it, white women are disappearing at an alarming rate, and between abduction anorexia and black athletes, there ain’t gonna be no more white women left for y’all. Fuck yall, y’all know its true. The only people not laughin at that are white women and black men “Fuck you D.L., that’s not funny” (Hughley and audience laughs). Gas is so high, gas cost more than cocain, ain’t that a bitch. I’m not sayin I know, I’m just telling you its high. Gas is so high, I saw two brothas standin in the drive through. (Hughley pretends to be in a drivethrough line) “Fuck that, I’m…”(Goes forward, waits, then turns around) “Get off my bumper mother fucker it ain’t…” I read recently that there were an increase in bear attacks, of course black people tend to not know that, because, we tend to not get attacked by bears. Get attacked by a bear you gotta go to the woods, and we ain’t go to the woods. If you dun see a black man in the woods, something dun gone horribly wrong. A bear wouldn’t even know what the fuck we was. (Hughley pretends to be a bear and looks around confused) “What is that” “I don’t know, but he sure is fast” “Do you smell weed?” “HUH, that’s that n i g g a der god damn fuck”. Whole lotta shit I don’t understand man. The abortion issue is raised again, I’m not gonna say whether I’m for or against abortion, what I’m against is a bunch of men sitting around the white house deciding what women should do with they bodies, that’s the fuck I’m against. That ain’t got shit to do with you. Cus the big question is, when does life begin, at conception or when the babies an embryo; anybody with kids know that they life don’t begin till they can pay they own fuckin bills. Until then you just a motha fucka livin off me. I’m confused by people who generally claim to be pro life, cus they generally are against abortion but for the death penalty and for war, which is kinda fuckin confusing to me. “Yeah we want the baby to grow up, that way WE can kill him”. Its amazing how Christian we claim to be but we do things the opposite of what/ the way Christ asked us to, you ever notice that? Like we always, I was driving down the street through Virginia and I saw two bumper stickers, one that said “I support the NRA”, right next to that was another bumper sticker said “what would Jesus do” Ain’t that a bitch. I ain’t no bible scholar but I’ma guess he ain’t gonna have a gun. I mean I remember when he was being crucified he said “forgive them for they do not know what they do”, not “when I get down from here Ima pop a cap in you motha fuckas. I talk all the shit I want cause I know I’m goin to hell. Can’t be no hotter than Washington in the summer time god damn. Shit. It was so hot today I knew I couldn’t have been a slave fuck yall shit. I’d be telling them “master let me and I’m thinkin they planning to escape, its hotter than a motha fucka. Huh gimme some lemondade and I’ll draw you a map, it’s hot” (Hughley strokes his head as if he is hot”. We are blessed to live here, you know we got a lota, in in addition to the economic opportunities we have, we have shit to eat, that’s the fuckin deal, we the most overweight nation in the world cus we can eat, we have so much food we get diseases you only get from having so much food. We got some shit here called lactose intolerance “Nunnnmm I can’t fuck with dairy, dairy fucked me up numnnnnm woo. I can’t do it” And that’s cause you got choices, cus I bet they ain’t got that shit in Ethiopia I swear to God “Adul do those milk cartriges hurt your stomache?” “Yes but not as much as hunger, hunger hurt”. (Hughley acts as if he is in pain). “I need to eat please, help. What I love to see is men and women out together cus women get drunk and try to pretend like they don’t know what the fuck they did (woman’s voice) “Did I do something” (Man’s Voice)“you sho did” (Woman)“gimme a kiss”(Man) “you must be out yo fuckin mind. We not kissin no more this week. I know where yo mouth been nasty ass.” (Woman) “Every time I drink with you my ass hurts.” (Man) “Maybe you fell; you should check your balance”. I’ve been married for 21 years, you know what I’ve come to realize, you can’t be the same man you were before you got married, you gotta give some shit up. It’s incumbent for a man to sacrifice, to to to to a uhh, successful relationship, you gotta sacrifice, you gotta give some shit up. You gotta give up hope. Hope is a single man’s game, don’t no married man need no hope. Say you driving home this lovely woman, “oh I hope she cooks”, she didn’t’. “Hope she ain’t mad”, she is. “Hope I can get some head”, you won’t! A married woman stop giving head the minute she say I do. (Woman’s portrayal) “I do, now I don’t have to suck any dick anymore, thank God (puts head in hands). Married women give head with other shit on they minds (speaking with a full mouth)“Hurry up I gotta take my cornbread out”. I hate valentine’s day, that’s the dumbest fucking holiday in the god damn world, I gotta give you flowers for the same pussy I was getting from you the night before for free, what kinda shit is that? And edible panties wasn’t meant for each and every one of y’all, some of y’all got too much ass ain’t no way in the fuck you can finish all them draws. They get mad (girl voice) “you ain’t gonna finish?” (man voice) “girl I’m full now, shit. I need a nap and a doggy bag. Wrap it up I’ll carry it with me to work tomorrow.” Some brotha warmed it up in the break room microwave (pretends to use a microwave) (coworker) “What you eatin” (original man) “Some draws I didn’t finish last night”. The more prettier a woman is the more bullshit you’ll put up with, pretty women get away with fuckin murder. A pretty woman could start crying here right now, every man would say “girl you alright”? Ooh I hate to see a pretty girl like you cryin. Ugly girls catch hell when they cryin cus ain’t nobody give a fuck. (pretends to be ugly girl crying) “auuahhhhh” hey girl, get away from my car. Don’t make me throw another rock at you, get the fuck away from my car. (Camera pans out for 2 seconds, laughter can be heard, camera goes back close to Hughley as he smiles). Women love a man that can make them laugh, you can make a woman laugh, you can have any woman you want, that’s fuckin true. Brothas be mean “cook me some breakfast bitch.” (Woman’s voice) “You never make me laugh anymore”. (Brotha’s voice) “Cook me some breakfast bitch HaHA.” Don’t try that at home, I was just fuckin around, now some of y’all… (Hughley freezes with his arms extended to the audience with a slight grin on his face). They say the biggest problem with men and women is that we have problems communicating, and I can understand that because, uh, men and women come from two different worlds. Men come from the world that’s here, women come from a fuckin world they make up. You ever gonn hold a conversation with your woman and you tried to understand her, and halfway through the conversation you go “what the fuck are you talking about? (Hughley has a confused look on his face) I don’t even understand what you sayin.” You know what I’m sayin, you don’t even know what the fuck you sayin, do you? Women do shit that is certifiedly insane. Putting towels in a fucking bathroom ain’t nobody been to fucking use, what kind of shit is that? (Woman’s voice) “Don’t use those towels” (Man’s voice) “Well what are they in there for” (Woman’s voice) “THERE NOT FOR YOU!” Everytime I get out of the shower I rub my dick across those towels, fuck those towels. I don’t give a shit about these goddamn towels. And you know why we’re laughing, cus we all do it, that’s why. (Motions to be rubbing himself off in multiple places with a towel). Women come in the bathroom (Woman’s voice) “Do these towels smell funny to you? They smell like nuts”. The only thing worse than taking a shower with a women is taking a fuckin bath, you motha fucka’s run the water 25 degrees higher than we can handel it. “What did you set this motha fucka on, hell? To you it’s romantic, to me its like boiling hotdogs, this shit hurts” You see how long it takes us to sit in the tub (Pretends to be getting in tub) “uhh, uhhhh, uhhhhhh, ay girl stop splashin, stop splashin, stop fuckin around. My nuts are on fire”. (Woman’s voice) “how come you stop talking to me after we finish makin love?” Cus something in pussy makes you sleepier than a motha fucker that’s why. You get some pussy, you can’t stay awake. (pretends to be having sex)“What’d she put in here? What is it, an ambient in here or something? I can’t keep my eyes open“. You get some pussy and eat a turkey sandwich, you in a comma, (blinks eyes a lot and looks tired) “I think she’s tryin to kill me. I gotta lay downawnan” (Hughley Laughs) They fucking hate when we use their toothbrush, what’s that shit about huh? (Woman’s voice) “DON’T USE MY TOOTHBRUSH! THAT’S NASTY!” (Man’s Voice) “After the shit we was doin to eachother last night? That was nasty, I had my face in your ass, what the fuck are you talking about?” (Woman’s voice) “I don’t care. That’s Nasty.” And they fuckin hate when we leave the toilet seat up, boy they hate that shit. I never even understood why, but do you understand they fall they whole ass in the bottom of the bowl? Feet dangling over they edge? Two oclock in the morning all you hear is (Woman’s voice) “GOD DAMMIT!!! YOU DIDN’T EVEN FLUSH YOU NASTY SON OF A BITCH! I’m so tired of my ass being wet I don’t know what the fuck to do!” That shit cracks me up I do it on purpose. You know how hard it is to put the toilet seat down, two oclock in the morning you stagger to the bathroom with that hard dick that won’t bend? You just… (Hughley uses the microphone as his penis and walks over to a stool; the stool is a toilet and he tries to find an angle with the microphone to pee from). All of a sudden your shit splits three different ways, you… (Hughley looks confused) Thank god we got these towels right here (Hughley pretends to wipe up pee on the stool with a towel). Oh well (Hughley Laughs). Don’t act like it’s just me, fuck y’all. Women love to spend time with you, but only with the shit that they wanna do. Oh and they wanna do some boring shit. (Woman’s voice) “Let’s get up in the morning, we’ll go to breakfast, and then we’ll go to Costco”. (Man’s voice) “The fuck do I wanna go to Costco for, I don’t wanna go to fucking Costco. Let’s stay home and drink some wine and watch some porno.” (Woman’s voice) “NO! We goin to Costco”. Women love Costco cus they get that membership card and think they got all the power. (Woman’s voice) “He with me, come on you can come in” (Hughley, pretending to be a woman, pretends to show a membership card to a Costco worker and ushers in her husband multiple times). You can get shit at Costco you don’t even fuckin need. “OOO a helicopter seat. I’ll put this shit in my car”. I guess it’s good that y’all pick the itinerary for the day, cus if we did it’d be the same shit. (Man’s Voice) “Look here baby, you’ve been askin me about spending some time together, so I want you to know I heard you, you gonna get up, then you gonna make some breakfast, and then you gonna give me some pussy, and then we gonna lay down and take a nap, and when we wake up you gonna make some more lunch, and then you gonna give me some pussy. And then the game gonna come on, and we gonna be quiet”. And all the men are going “That’s a good ass day!”. The women are going “fuck you, we’re going to Costco.” (Camera pans to back of Hughley for a second and shows the crowd while they laugh, and then returns to a close up of Hughley). Ever tried to talk your woman into watching porno? They lose their god damn mind. (Woman’s voice) “You like that shit?” (Man’ Voice) “I sho do”. Porno ain’t nothin but a love story with all the words taken out. My wife walked caught me watchin porno (Woman’s voice) “What the fuck are you doing?” (Hughley’s Voice) “You know good and god damn well what I’m doing.” (Woman’s voice) “Are you thinking about me?” (Hughley) “Fuck no you in the next room! I thought you was goin to Costco! Take this helicopter seat back it don’t work.” (Camera pans to behind Hughley and then returns to a close up view) I don’t know man. I was readin about stem cell research man and apparently the president vetoed this because he believes that the stem cells are for future life. But I can guarantee you, if you could prove stem cells could enlarge the size of a man’s dick that shit would pass tomorrow. (Hughley having a conversation where two people talking)(Guy 1)“He has Alzheimer’s he won’t remember anything”(Guy 2) “He’ll remember how big his dick is, you see the size of the dick on this guy?”(Guy 1)“He’s paralyzed he can’t walk”(Guy 2) “But his dick is so big he can push the button on the wheelchair with it are you fuckin crazy?” The greatest medical development in the last 10 years has been erectile dysfunction drugs, that’s the fuckin deal. And they originally weren’t for your dick, they were originally experimental heart medications. Some dude walks in “huhh, my chest hurts” (Doctor) “Here, take this pill. How’s the chest” (patient) “It hurts but my dick is hard as a mother fucker” (Doctor) “What about the chest?” (Patient) “Fuck the chest give me two more pills”. And they say that shit can make you blind, ain’t that a bitch if you finally get your dick hard and you can’t even see your woman “Sheila?.. I don’t care my dick is so big I can use it for a cane” (Hughley uses the microphone as his penis and feels around the microphone stand with it as a blind person would use a cane). “That’s the garage”. (Hughley continues to search around the microphone pole with his “penis”). They got this shit called Cialis, shit lasts 36 hours, 36 hours of fuckin, that ain’t fun. You’ll just be chap and dehydrated. (Woman’s Voice) “You ready to go again big daddy?” (Man’s voice) “Girl get the fuck away from me. Bring me some Gatorade and some baby powder. My nuts are on fire. First that bath, now this, this shit is painful”. Cialis got the dumbest warnings in the world (Announcer’s voice) “If you have an erection for more than four hours, you should call a doctor”. If I got an erection for more than four hours Ima call a hooker, I don’t know about you. My momma always said share your toys. Got some shit called Avitra and one of the side effects can cause penis disfigurement, that really ain’t worth the risk, cause you will not get a lot of action when your dick’s shaped like a yam. (Lots of laughter) That don’t turn the ladies on, ya… You know they gonna ask you (Woman’s voice) “Why’s your dick shaped like a yam?” (Man’s voice) “Just call me sweet potato pie baby”. (Hughley pauses as people laugh). Whole lotta shit going on that I don’t understand. (Points at audience member) How you doin man? (Audience laughs and Hughley pauses) Yes, it’s that fuckin time. You know what fuckin time it is. HAHAHA look at all the black people (imitation) ”aww shit. That’s just why I didn’t sit in the front.” (Hughley points at another person in the audience) She getting up like she goin to church (Hughley gallops backwards, yelling) “ayy shit ayy”. (To original audience member) How you doin man? (man from audience) “Great, how about you” (Hughley, mockingly) “Great” Are you alright? Are you on some medication or some shit? This motha fucka driftin off like it’s a methadone clinic (Hughley closes his eyes and acts like he is on a sort of drug; he droops and falls for moments before returning to a regular height) What’s this, a field trip you on or somethin? And look at you, don’t look away because that not gonna stop me from fuckin with you ya (Hughley imitates the man turning away) “Don’t look at him. If you don’t look at him, he can’t see you. Everyone knows that”. (Hughley asks the man and the woman next to him) Y’all married or just fuckin around? (To the man specifically) Are you alright? You must push on doors that say pull, huh (Hughley pretends to push on a door that won’t open, pretending to be the man) “How come everybody get in but me?” Ima leave your ass alone, I know something is wrong with you.(Hughley asks a new two people) How you doin, y’all together? Look at that, white dude, black woman huhhhh. Uhh huhhh. And they tryin to pretend like they ain’t with each other (Hughley turns one way and pretends to be the man) “I don’t know you”. (Hughley turns the other way and pretends to be the woman) “I don’t know you!” (To the man) You been to a family reunion yet? Aww you gonna have a ball. (Hughey pretends to be member of the woman’s family at a reunion) “Ayy uh, snowflake, snowflake, lemme hold $20 snowflake, don’t be like that” (Hughley pauses and laughes). You gotta go, it’s gonna be funna then a motha fucka. What do you do cat daddy? (Man) “I’m a bartender”. Oh that’s how (Hughley laughs) that’s how you met her (Hughley laughs again). (Hughley pretending to be the man) “You want another long island baby, here you go baby”. (He serves the drink and the puts his pinky in his mouth while bouncing up and down) “Ooh, that shit is NICE”. (To the woman) What do you do, sweetiepie? Are you alright? (She nods yes). Are y’all motha fucka’s together? What is wrong with y’all? What do you honey? (Woman) “I work in a cosmetic store”. (Hughley again) Cosmetic store? Did you (Hughley laughs) did you meet this motha fucka at the cosmetic store? Lemme leave yo ass alone, something wrong with y’all. (To a black man). How you doin man, how long you been out? (The audience erupts with laughter, but the man is expressionless). This motha fucka looks like a suspect (Hughley imitates him) “Get that camera out my goddamn face! I ain’t fuck no bullshit”. (To another man) How you doin sir? Oh goddamn, that shirt’s tighter than a motha fucker goddamn. You in here with a leotard on, huh. (Crowd erupts in laughter as Hughley pretends to pull on his clothes around his crotch and butt, as if they were tight to his skin). (Imitating the man and his date) “Are you ready?” (As he’s pulling on his clothes)“In a minuite, shit!” (To a different woman) How you doin babygirl. Oh you got some this glasses on, god damn. You could watch this show from philly, huh. You probably think it’s two people on stage (pretends to be the girl) “Fuck both y’all”. Hope you ain’t got no job where you suppose to see. Cus if you work at a bank errybody gonna wait in yo line. (Hughley pretends to be waiting in a line and keeps looking at the length of the line “Ima wait for old girl rightttt there.” (Back to the previous man with the tight shirt). How you doin tight shirt, you alright? I know you uncomfortable than a motha fucka, you. Every time you breath, you pop a button or something. Now what do you do big man? (Man) “I work for a law firm”. (Hughley) You work for a law firm? You’re not a lawyer are you? (Impersonating the man) “Your honor, I would like to make a motion for dismissal, at least a recess, I have to loosen up my shirt”. (Hughley pauses and laughs with audience). Ima leave yo ass alone, fuck around and jump on me, none of yall won’t do shit. It’ll be on the news tonight (impersonating a news anchor) “Today, there was an assault on comedian D.L. Hughley, there was no description of.. what… this coming in… I believe the suspect was wearing a, uh, body suit” (Audience and Hughley laugh). You know black people gonna see it “HEY BODY SUIT!” So you married? (Man nods no). Nah you can tell, you can tell you not married. You can tell this dude’s married (Hughley points to the very first man he made fun of), he ain’t got no hope in his godddamn eyes, he’s just glad to be outside at night. (To the man) What do you do big man? (Man) ”Huh”? (HughleyI) Huh? What the fuck is with this group right here? Is that your wife? No? Ayy, look at her, she went (Hughley nods his head no as his imitates the woman sitting next to the man). How long y’all been fuckin around? (The man symbols 1 year). Ah, one year, look at her (woman’s voice) “I didn’t know we were fucking around”. Hey Gary, send this young lady a drink, say its from him but it’s really from me. (The man holds a thumb up). There are some rules to this shit. If she do something freaky to you tonight, you gotta make her say my name one time here. Y’all been great, thank y’all very much for coming out. (Camera pans out as crowd gives Hughley a standing ovation, he walks away but then walks back up to the mic). I’ve been doing this a long time and every time I come out here it’s one of the best audiences out there (Screems from the crowd can be heard) goddamn. And I uh, I say a lot of things that hurt some people’s feelings and I wanna tell you sincerely, if I hurt uh your feelings, fuck you if you can’t take a joke, I love y’all, thank you very much. (Music plays, the credits roll, and Hughley leaves while the camera pans the audience).

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable (1994) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-unrepeatable-transcript/

Recorded at the Albery Theatre in March 1994 1. Opening Numbers Well… God! God! Jesus… Eh, hello… ( hums a tune ) So – yes, showtime. (hums opening showtime tune) Actually, it’s kind of a crummy beginning, just walking out and going like this, isn’t it? I haven’t really got beginnings worked out; I really- I think in the West End, people are expecting a huge beginning, something like out of a musical, you know? 400 people will be on in the first number, even if the cast is only 30; 400 people on, going, (singing) “It’s Hollywood…” (mimes 50’s musicals number) They’re always going on three directions at once, you know… (mimes multiple dancers) Or if it’s Shakespeare on the West End, then there’s moody lighting- three old people saying, “When shall we three meet again? Tuesday? Okay… I’ll get back to you on that. I’ll just drop a dime in the cauldron…” If it was Pinter in the West End, then two people would come on, face different directions and… I’m not sure, I haven’t really read it. I should, but no- you know, some people are widely read; I’m thinly read. I’ve read fuck all! Not very proud of it. You know, some people say, “I’ve read Dr. Benoski’s book on cat eating by…” I haven’t read anything, you know. It’s cause I’m partially dyslexic. I was fully dyslexic until I met someone who was more dyslexic than me, and said, “You’re only partially dyslexic.” There’s a lot of rivalry in the dyslexic camp. “Rivvvalry” with three “vs”. “How bad is your handwriting?” “Oh, mine is all over the place!” Yeah, but it’s been all right… 2. The Rules of Advertising So anyway, advertising! Yes, that’s what I brought you here to talk about! Yes, advertising… Because I’ve been looking at it, and I’ve realized that certain people in the advertising area are being paid huge wads of cash in brown bags in order to subtly adjust our minds. Because, in the old days, before the ‘50s, I don’t know, it was much more blatant, adverts were more like, “Come on, there it is! (pointing) Come on! Haven’t got all day, there it is!” And as consumers, we were, “Oh, okay, I didn’t realize! Sorry! Don’t hit me!“ (running towards the product) Nowadays we have choice, don’t we? We’re much more choosy, and we’re much more aware of what we can buy, so adverts are more subtle, they’re the soft sell, much more like… (humming a tune and pointing discreetly at product) “Oh, look at that! Those two people like it, and they’re shagging…” That’s what happens, isn’t it? Shagging sells everything! That’s it, there’s an advert for coffee- You come around, “Cup of coffee?” “Ooh, let’s shag!” Yes! Adverts for chocolate bars, two bits of chocolate bar, one eats one, one eats the other, “Oh, let’s have a shag!” That stuff for cleaning the floor, clean the floor clean, and then you shag on the floor… Dog food, dog eats dog food… anyway… So… not sure what happens there, but… Now, the washing area- the washing powder, washing clothes, laundry- all that kind of stuff is a very advertising-laid area, with a huge amount of adverts saying, “Wash your clothes! Wash your clothes! Oh, no, I’m gonna shag you…!” And I think if it wasn’t for the advertising, we’d probably just spray our clothes, and (smells it), “Oh, that smells okay now that I’ve sprayed it…” 3. The Ceremony of Laundry And it’s quite a ceremony! Washing your clothes, you can take it down to the launderette; that’s one way. You’ve got a bag- three months’ worth easy of laundry, you pushed it into a bag, and you drag it down to the launderette, wearing clothes that should be in the bag, really, yeah? That’s what you wear to the launderette, that’s why you’ve gone to the launderette, because you’ve got nothing left! You’re wearing dressing gowns to work, it’s that bad! So you throw it in the wash, and you’ve got big machines down the launderette, huge machines with the big porthole windows, and you shove it all in; you never separate out the laundry, shove it all in! And you’ve got one choice – “bizarre wash”! That’s what you get. And you sacrifice a few socks and a pair of pants to the god of launderette, who sits in the back of the machine with a pair of chopsticks, going, (mimes eating with chopsticks) “Oh, lovely, yes… A sock, lovely! A bit of fabric softener… Yes, in it goes…” And you take the washing out, shove it into a tumble-dry, and the tumble-dry glues it together, with static electricity, so that you get the washing out, put it on your head, and walk out (mimes balancing the washing on his head). Next day, you put on a pair of socks, and the rest of the wash says, (motions following) “We’re coming, too! We’re coming!” (mimes kicking the rest of the wash) “Go off! I’m just wearing these.” “Nooo… static!” All day, you’re trying to chat someone up – “Yeah, I know… (kicking wash away) Piss off! Sorry, I don’t know whose it is… it’s stray washing! Yeah… Look, fabric softener! Go! (mimes throwing fabric softener like a stick)” Or you can wash your clothes at home, and at certain people’s houses, they have machines with a huge dial with all the letters of the alphabet on… and no instructions. You just have to guess. “Well, I’ll have an ‘H’ wash – want an ‘H’ wash.” And you stuff it all in, and once you get the stuff going there’s a pair of socks coming, “Sorry, we’re late! Sorry! We were in the back, where you left us. Oh, is the program started? Oh…” And then you let the socks back in the wash, and they’re going, “Excuse me… sorry, pardon me… I’m supposed to be in, I’ve got tickets!” Or you’re doing white clothing wash, you say, “I’ll wash all my white clothes,” and you shove all the whites down, in a big pile, and you put some clothes in there that are almost white. You shove them in there, and then you take them out, put them to the side… “Actually, that would be fine in there… Maybe not… No, I’ve washed them a few times now…” And for a couple of days, you just go back and forth, and then you shove it all in. The rest of the deeper coloured clothes say, “Oh, he’s doing a whites wash first! That pisses me off! Okay, blue underpants, you will infiltrate whites wash. You are our best undercover clothing! We’ve done you some forged papers, you’ll be disguised as a white handkerchief, okay? These have been done by Donald Pleasance, so they should be good. I believe you’ve been practicing a white handkerchief accent?” (high pitched) “Yes, I have, yes, I have…” “Very good, now off you go!” And the blue underpants go… (mumbling in high pitched voice) sneaks inside the white wash, usually inside a shirt; shirts are a bit dopey, aren’t they? (mimes dopey behaviour) So it gets in, the whites wash goes in, and as soon as the clothing start going around the wash, the blue underpants comes up to the window, and goes, “Hello! Blue underpants here!” “Blue underpants in the white wash! Get them out! Let’s smash the glass!” And the blue underpants are going, “I’m draining, I’m draining…” And if all your clothes came out a vibrant blue, it would be fine, wouldn’t it? But your clothes tend to come out a color that’s called “Pants Left In Wash.” And people know, and they point, “Yeah, yeah…” And then they stab you! Apparently, sometimes, you know… Yeah… 4. The Sophisticated Consumer Nowadays, we’re more sophisticated as consumers. We go into supermarkets and we read the labels. (mimes reading label) “This jam is made by Nazis with dead trees, bits of mud and spit.” I don’t think I’ll have that one… (mimes picking another jar up) “This jam was made by groovy people and fruit who agreed to be in the jam in the first place. Volunteer fruit, better known as free-range fruit, allowed to casually chat to chickens.” ‘Cause you know the free-range chickens are so pushy, aren’t they? They go, “Oh, yes, all this field we range through now… and when they put the next field, we’ll range through that one too. And the big house, we’ve knocked that down… the farm house, yes. And that’s our Range Rover over there, yes.” You’ve seen those Range Rovers with the high seats, and the chickens driving along, with such attitude, keep rolling down the window (clucking) Depends on how much you’ve smoked, I suppose… Yes, so anyway, we’re more sophisticated, and the adverts are generally more sophisticated, they have stories, and graphics and cryptic adverts that you have to work out what they’re talking about, and then you go, “Oh, I see!” and you don’t buy it. But not the washing powder people, they’ve done research and come to the conclusion that everyone prefers this bloke with the clipboard thing. This has been going on since the ‘50s, someone who’s locked in a supermarket going, “Are you happy with your wash? Excuse me, are you happy with your wash?” After a while, (rushing) “Are you happy with your wash? Are you happy with your wash? Tell me, (rushing) are you happy with your wash? Listen, (rushing) are you happy with your wash?” A small dog, “Are you happy with your wash?” “I’m a dog! I don’t know…” 5. The Secret Service But I’m also interested in the Secret Service. Good link, eh? No, I was watching this recent thing- Prince Charles, people have been attacking Prince Charles. It’s sort of a surrealist movement that’s been attacking Prince Charles, with hairspray, bits of jelly, you know… There was one with a starting pistol- now you can’t start someone to death, can you? Doesn’t work. “Bang!” (starts running) “What’s going on? I’m having a chat with the people of Australia.” “Bang!” (starts running away again) After about 100 of those, you’re pissed off, aren’t you? You’re not actually dead. But he was very cool, Prince Charles, he was very… (pulling at his cuffs) He was doing all this cuffs thing that he does before he makes speeches, he always does it. I think it’s a nervous thing, as if he’s going, (pulling at cuffs) “Where’s my fucking shirt?! I’ve got no shirt on.” Or it could be a magic trick he’s doing, “Nothing here… nothing here… bunch of flowers!” So he was just doing that, and the first shot went, “bang!” and he’s like, “Missed.” Second shot, “bang!” (moves to duck it) “Do you have a problem?” And we see the Secret Service people, they’re always there, in the suits and the jaws and the dark glasses, one hand always in there, as if at any point they could just go, “Bunch of flowers!” And they look so good, they give out this feeling of elite, highly trained, “Ohohoho, don’t fuck with us!” That kind of thing, and they move- you’re not focused on them, because they’re always shadowing, they never come in front of the person, they never come in front, like, “Fuck it! Me and him, come on!” It’s a bit too proactive if they go, “Come on, I’ll take you all on, come on! Oh, where’s he going?” They’re just cool and calm in there, with “bunch of flowers!” They give out this feeling of elite and highly trained, until you see some sort of rumpus, attack kind of thing. I’ve seen the Reagan one on television a few years back, and this one with Prince Charles, and the image changed from elite and highly trained to… (mimes disorganized attack) “Fucking get him, Kev! Get him! Run, Charlie, run! Hit him with a broom, hit him with a broom! Ruffle his hair, I hate that! Run! Run for your life! Hit him with a bucket!” (bonk) It’s not really what you want, isn’t it? It just doesn’t look controlled; you want kind of like Dr. Spock kind of thing- not Dr. Spock, Captain- Mr. Spock kind of thing, where he comes in and does that sort of thing there, and he goes, “poof!” Not this sort of, “Rough him up! Please shut up! Tip him over!” (sighs) Yeah, that’s what I think. So it doesn’t look very safe, that. 6. “Then You Should!” I’ve also been watching this program, “Question Time,” which isn’t- that’s the problem with “Question Time” – no one answers anything! That’s the trick. Basically, you ask another question back, that’s the way you get out of it. People say, “Would you like to explain, Mr. Prime Minister, why everything’s gone wrong with something or other?” And you always get someone that says, “Well, if you remember 20 years ago… I wasn’t there, so it’s not my fault.” And then you sit down, and everyone backs you up behind you, going “Toilet paper! Toilet paper! Toilet paper in our time! Good work, mate, whatever you say…” But the main competition seems to me to be getting up, especially the cabinet members, in front of the bench, they get up to this big podium with a huge ring binder, with all their physics revision notes on it, that’s what’s in there. “After you let all of this by, you should fuck off!” And the other side is going, “Well, we’re not gonna let all of this by tonight, so fuck off there!” They’ve just got some huge ring binders, with all this bloody stuff on, that’s what the competition seems to be. And actually you can get away with anything! I mean, John Major got away with a very good one just recently, he was talking about civil service, and there was a reporter that came out saying it was very wasteful or whatever, and Major said, “If you don’t think that civil service is the best in the world… then you should!” Kind of a dodgy argument there, you know… “Then you should.” I remember when I was five, going, “You smell… ‘cause you do! You’re a tree… ‘cause you are!” (rolling eyes) “Then you should!” Politically, I am a radical liberal, that is my position. I would be a liberal, but the image of a liberal is sort of – because left and right have been in power for a long time in Britain, the image of a liberal is one of, “Oh… I’m not sure, and you’re…? Oh, really? And you…? Oh, really? I’m on the fence here…” But not for me, I am passionate about free health service for all, that’s a world idea, I think that’s very groovy, but also, if you have an idea, in small businesses or businesses don’t have to be sort of rape and pillaging things; that can be groovy. “Revolutionary liberal,” that sounds better to me, I think, storm the House of Parliament, kick the fucking doors in, get in there and say, “Look, we’ll pay for the damage.” Have a revolution, just budget for it, yeah? You know… 7. Communication I’m into being European as well, I’m positive on that, and I think we have a problem – English people in general have a problem. We tend to go into the world, going, “Hello, hello… Hello, do you speak English? Hello!” You know, in Afghanistan. “Hello, sausage, egg and chips, please… A sausage, egg and chips. Okay, two sausages. Do you speak English? You just don’t try, do you?! Here all day speaking Afghan…” Which is a dog, isn’t it? In Holland, they speak four languages, and a lot of them are “quatrilingual” – they speak Dutch, German, French and English. And they smoke dope as well! How do they have time? In Britain, we officially don’t and we speak one language. And in fact in Holland they don’t actually smoke dope, ‘cause they can, ‘cause it’s legalized, you know, so when you’re there, it’s like, “No, no, I live here I don’t need to, man,” whereas when British people go there, they just go mad, and go, “Fucking ‘ell!” (mimes shooting up, smoking and going generally bonkers) “How long have you been here, man?’ “A minute!” “You seen the canals?” “I am a canal.” Yes… so I’m also into people who shout for a living, I’m quite into them as well. There’s these market sellers; they’re in markets all day, going, “4 pence a pound! 4 pence a pound! (swinging from high to low) 4 pence a pound! 4 pence a pound!” “Excuse me, how much are the apples?” “20 quid, man.” “You were shouting 4 pence a pound.” “Oh, I shout 4 pence a pound, but the fruit is 20 quid! It’s very expensive…” And you go, “But it looks quite nice, a wall of fruit on the front steps…” So you say, “All right, give me some apples and some oranges and stuff,” and they always reach behind to this fruit graveyard… “Just let me add some fruit here… there we go. It’s a bit runny!” And there’s auctioneers! They’re crazy people that shout for a living. There’s the posh ones, from Sotheby’s and Christie’s, they’re going, “This is a 14th. Century Ming thing… made out of Ming… by Mr. Ming, in the Ming period. If you don’t like Ming, then chuck this one, that’s what I say. Do I hear £2 million?“ And people do phone bidding! Don’t do phone bidding, it’s dangerous! You’re in there going, (sotto voce ) “£2 million?” “I’ll take that.” “£2.1 million? £2.2 million?” “Yeah, we’ll take that.” “Sold to the bloke on the phone…” “Oh, he’s gone! I think he’s called Greg… No, it was just ringing, I picked it up, I don’t know! I work in the kitchen! I’m sorry… I’ve only got a tenner… One, two…” And there’s auctioneers out in the countryside, in the cattle markets. They’re just crazy people, they’re out there going (nonsensical auctioneer speak that turns into a song and dance) All the cows and sheep are going, “Is it me up on this one, or you?” (singing and dancing continue) And if you ever attend that, don’t move at all! Don’t move a muscle! Don’t cough! (attendant coughs) Auctioneer: “£4,000.” “No, no.” “£5,000.” (mimes for auctioneer to stop with both hands) “£10,000.” (flips auctioneer) “Another £2,000. Total of £19,000 to the man bidding against himself for this small dog here.” The dog’s going, “I’m not happy with me wash!” “What are you doing here?” 8. Cats and Dogs Cats and dogs are very interesting with human beings, ‘cause we have a pet relationship with them, and we’re the only animals that do this, you know. Giraffes do not have pet gazelles. “Gazelle, go and run in Africa.” They don’t say that. And we have pets because they lower our blood pressure, this is apparently official – they lower our blood pressure. I don’t know how they do that, (mimes petting pet) you sort of stroke them, you go to sleep, and while you sleep, the dog puts one of those big, puffy things in your arm, and… (mimes taking blood pressure) “It’s 180 over 60.” “What does that mean?” “I don’t know, I’m a dog!” Actually, when doctors do that, they’re not actually taking your blood pressure; they’re just fucking around with this. They’ve actually got a jumpy spider behind your back and that’s why they’re… (mimes moving spider around) ‘Cause I saw one once. “There’s a jumpy spider behind my back!” “Yeah, that’s what we do! It’s jumpy spider-time! We’re into jumpy spiders.” And the spider is going… (motions spider jumping about) True! Yeah – so anyway, that’s what they do; your dog takes your blood pressure, and you fall asleep, and the cat drains all the blood from your body… and sells it to one of those mobile blood banks. That’s why sometimes you wake up, feeling all anemic, and you see your cat and dog counting out fivers, as the van pulls off. You ever had that? Yeah… I don’t know, they lower our blood pressure. You stroke a dog, the dog goes, “oooooooo…” and cats go (drilling sound), because they’re drilling, aren’t they? That’s what they’re doing. They’re drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they’re behind your sofa, they’re just drilling. (mimes drilling) They’ve got goggles on, it’s okay! There’s a compressor over there… Your friends come and say, “I think your cat’s drilling behind your sofa!” “I don’t think so, that’s purring, that noise, isn’t it? Cat, are you drilling?” And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), “No, no… Drilling? No! No, I’m a cat! How would I know how to drill? That’s purring you’re thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here… no drilling. No, no, okay… “ (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it. Cats are much cooler than dogs though, aren’t they? Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal. You have no control over your cat! You can’t say to your cat, “Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!” ‘Cause the cat’s just gonna be sitting there, going, “Interesting words… Have you finished?” While you’re shouting all this to your cat, your dog’s next to you, going… (mimes obeying all commands) “What the hell are you doing? I’m talking to the cat!” “Oh, I’m sorry!” You wouldn’t even dream of training your cat. “Cat, come for training. Now stay… sta… hello? Hello? “ They just don’t care, they just piss off. And… dogs and cats eat dog and cat food, and you get this “new and improved” cat and dog food thing, and – I don’t know how you tell whether cat and dog food is “new and improved.” Do humans go (mimes sampling it), “Mmm, lovely!”? I mean, dogs just eat anything, dogs go… (mimes dog eating with both hands, very quickly) And you say, “Is that new and improved? Does it taste good?” and the dog is going, “Uh… I don’t know… Oh, it’s all over my shirt now! Jesus!” Whereas cats are much more choosy, cats will look through the food… (mimes cat touching food with paw) “So this is..? “New and improved,” is it really? Is it really..? Well, I’m going out.” (walks away nonchalantly) And they walk up to the cat door, they just stop there, they turn around and go, “Keys?” (mimes cat leaving) Of course, your dog can’t go, your dog’s going, “Can I go?” “No, I’m busy at the moment.” “But the cat went out!” “Yes… “ “And I can’t go?” “No, no… He has a cat door, you see.” “Oh, right… And why?” “Well, I have no idea.” I wonder who was the first cat that persuaded a human to put a cat door in. You know, they just do. We throw sticks at dogs, that’s the level we have dogs at. You’d never dram of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, “Oh, he’s dropped the stick! I better go and get that… (mimes chasing after the stick) You dropped your stick there. Thought I’d bring it back… And you hang on… (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with the eyes as it’s thrown again) Did you see me? I just brought that back! And then you thr… you dropped it again? It’s very weird what’s going on here… Now hang on to it this time, I don’t want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you… Don’t fucking throw it!!” That’s why the third time, when they come back, they won’t give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) “No… I won’t let you take it!” And the cat door thing is a vertical version of those saloon bar doors, where gunslingers in westerns would push their way in, and say, “I’ve come for you, Jack McGoo.” And someone at the bar would say, “You’ve come for whom, sir?” “Jack McGoo. Johnnie Googer? The Googer family? Oh, I’ll go away, then.” And these expensive westerns- the cats have seen them on the telly. You watch a cat coming into the kitchen. Sometimes they just come in, just like gunslingers. They push their way in through the cat door, and just stand there, on one hip… and all the dogs in the kitchen just stop moving. The dog eating the food…. (mimes all the dogs’ actions) Other dog playing piano… (mimes as if to show the weapon) So he can get the tail out. Yes… And cats are like that because they’re more responsible. They go outside, the fast car goes (sound of car speeding away), and they go, “Ooh, it’s a Mazda!” Whereas dogs, dogs just go mad, they get outside and go, “Got to chase, chase… Chase! Chase the car! Car! Car! Car!” (mimes dog chasing car) They chase cars up to 4,000 miles. “Car!” They catch up with the car… (panting) “Tag! You’re it!” (takes off running in opposite direction) And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… (mimes cat jumping) Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … (mimes wobbling) You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, (mimes tentative walk) “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! Walk it out!” Yeah, that’s it. 9. “Oy, Darling!” Contrary to what you may be thinking, it’s not all roses being a transvestite, you know? It’s not that- you know, people say, “Oh, you transvestites, living off the state,” they say. “Why don’t you just get back to Russia.” “What’s in Russia?” “Oh, I don’t know! A lot of transvestites, apparently.” And in Russia, they say, “Get back to where they told to you to get back from…” I don’t know what these people say. But also, some people say, “Oh, I wish I was a transvestite!” and I say, “Well, if you work hard at school, maybe one day, you know… After your exams…” So all right, this is what happens. If you’re a transvestite, people do gossip, I knew it would happen. They do car noises about me, that’s kind of weird, they go (making car noises) Have you noticed that in films there are lots of car chases? There are no car chases in books, are there? (mimes reading from book) “He looked up in the mirror. Behind him, the man was driving. He looked in the mirror and then he was driving. Oh, they drove faster, faster, driving fast and looking in the mirror. The other guy was pulling a face and driving fast, and then there was a terrible crash.” Just doesn’t fucking work, does it? Anyway… So yeah, that’s me; people gossip about transvestites, but I told people I was a transvestite, so that steals their thunder. “Have you heard…? Oh, he told you! Bastard! (mumbles) I bet he’s not a transvestite! Yeah, that’s it! I bet it’s a tax-dodge to get a clothing allowance, yeah…” So… oh, yeah! Clothes, wearing things. Women put on trousers back in the ‘20s, of course, we all know this, and at that time, people say, “Women can’t wear trousers! (growling) Back to Russia!” And women said, “And why not?” “Oh, very clever! Yes… Very clever question. Why not?” You know, ‘cause there’s no reason, is there? Women wear whatever they want now, they have total clothing allowance, which is groovy; and so women wear what they want, and so do I! Yeah, that’s what it is; it’s just a choice thing, yeah. But you do get a certain amount of stick that goes with it, you know, certain people in the street give me a hard time – they’re dick-headed men, usually, and they hang out in groups of five, I think it’s because they have a fifth of a personality each, so they form a group of five… (audience claps) I appreciate your applause, but I don’t do this for applause… No, I do it for cash; it’s much better. Anyway, they do, they hang out at Leicester Square, actually, in groups of five. They’re just there, you know, just waiting to shout at people. Must be a sad fucking life, they say, “Oh, five o’clock! Better go to shout at people.” (mocks shouting) They do, they shout at people. (mimes dickhead man) “Oh, a bloke in a dress! Bloke in a dress!” (cackling) “Bloke in a dress!” (resumes cackling) “I told him! Yeah… And he agreed, he is a bloke in a dress. Didn’t make very much sense to tell him…” And they shout at women as well, I don’t know why they shout at women. “Oy, darling! Oy, darling! (cackles) Oy, darling! (cackles again) I told her too! Yes…” I think there’s an idea of trying to chat up women, that’s what it is. “Oy, darling, you and me! You and me! You and me…” And if one woman ever did say, “Okay, let’s go now!” I think that would totally freak him out. (freaked) “She said yes! She said yes! That’s not the deal, she’s not supposed to say yes. I don’t know what to do! Have you got any instructions?” ‘Cause you can’t go out with someone like that, ‘cause you say, “What do you want to eat?” and they go (growls) “Pig runs.” And actually there’s a code, when they shout- if people shout at you, there’s actually a code. When they’re shouting at you, “Oy, darling! Oy, darling!” means “I’m a wanker! I’m a wanker-! I am a wanker! We all are, aren’t we?” They do this on building sites as well. I’m sure there must be some builders on a sixth floor scaffolding, putting bricks on top of bricks, and doing the carpentry and the electrics and stuff, but there are lots of builders up there on the sixth floor, who just seem to be leaning over the edge, (mimes reading) “Hey! Fucking ‘ell! The cat sat on the mat! Eat cheese banana… I can’t read that one. Fuck off!” And construction companies must go mad. “I’m sorry about your building, we got on the sixth floor, everyone was just shouting off the balconies! They say they’re calling out the plasterers to prayer…” 10. Discrimination And when I was a kid, ‘cause I knew I was T.V. – T.V. is the abbreviation of transvestite, by the way, which is a bit confusing with television being T.V. as well – but when I was a kid, I realized I was T.V., and I didn’t tell other kids at school, on a cunning survival plan I worked out, yes! “Don’t tell other kids and survive school,” that was my plan. I just thought if I was five and said, “Look, guys, I happen to be a T.V. I just thought I’d explain this to you ‘cause I thought you could deal with this information in a positive and groovy way.” And that they would say, ‘Well, thanks for the information, and we’d just like to say we appreciate it, and we’ll grab sticks and let’s go!” (yelling and miming a chase) That’s what I thought would happen, probably no if I had the guts to say it, ‘cause I noticed if you do have the guts to say it, “Yes, I am a transvestite, I don’t care,” then people go, “Oh… Why is he not…? Oh…” ‘Cause people want to go, “Oh, you are a transvestite, “ and if you say, “No, I’m not,” and deny it, then they go, “Ah! Ah!” (pointing finger) “No! No!” “Ah, ah!” That’s the bully thing. It’s like the people in the street, they would be shouting at me for some time, and I decided to say, “Yes, is there a problem?” You know, some people are going, “There’s a bloke in a dress,” and I go, “Yeah…” and then they’re going, (sighs) “A bloke in a dress… A bloke in a- he’s a bit comfortable, the bloke in a dress… Shouldn’t we be backing off of this, going (mocking sounds and pointing finger)? He doesn’t have the victim mentality we usually request at this point of the debate…” That’s what they’re thinking. No, I didn’t tell kids at school, ‘cause there’s a fascist elitism going on in the schoolroom. You still have big kids saying, “All you kids, give me stuff or I’ll kill you, that’s how it works,” and all the other kids saying, “No, we, the United Nations of Small Children, have placed a sweets embargo on you, big hairy kid. I’m Dr. Boutros Boutros-Ghali’s small kid. We’ll also be sending in two small kids with blue hats on to check the dismantling of your sweet-eating apparatus.” So there’s a lot of gay and lesbian people around, and that’s groovy, and they have – what they’ve done is they separated sex and sexuality from what you do for a living. So you work in a bookshop? Okay, you’re good at selling books, you get on well with the customers? That’s what’s important, not who you sleep with or not. ‘Cause in the old days, they used to say, “Oh, you’re gay… You sell books? You probably shag the books! Yes, I’m sure! So we fire you for no reason at all…” Nowadays, it has improved, but if you’re a T.V. – this is what you have to do if you’re a T.V., because the image – the gay and lesbian people really don’t associate with the T.V., they say, “Well, we don’t know about that, go and live in a ditch somewhere.” It’s a bit poor cousins, twice removed, that kind of thing. But I think – also, ever since I came out as a T.V., if I’m relaxed about it, everyone else seems to go, “Yes, so what’s the problem?” Since I’ve come out, most people go, ‘Yeah…” 80% of the country, I think, don’t really give a monkey’s; they just go, “Well, all right, you’re a T.V., great. I’m cooking eggs, I don’t…” (mimes cooking eggs) Then, there’s 10% of the people who are a bit groovy, and this 10% of people, who are totally homophobic, who go, (growling) “Back to Russia!” It’s okay, if they wanna be homophobic, that’s all right; as long as they’re homophobic behind closed door and don’t touch anyone, I’m fine with it! I know a few people like that… So that’s what I say. 11. Fear Also, fear- I’ve looked at fear in a big way, because coming out you have to deal basically with the whole world going, “Oh, you’re an abominable snowman,” and me going, “No! Don’t think so! No…” And you have to deal with this whole fear thing, and I tend to go towards things that scare me now, I think that’s very positive – not anything, like leaping off a cliff onto spikes scares me, and I don’t go, “Let’s go! Here we go… (mimes putting on helmet and jumping) “Oh, belly flop!” No, not all things, but I just notice this fear thing. And there are not many blokes in makeup, so people tend to react to you sometimes really weird; sometimes I walk past people, and they go (mimes jaw dropping) You know, and I don’t know what to do about that, so I just go, ‘Hello.” They drop out, no more (mimes jaw dropping) Sometimes news agents are quite interesting. You know, the news agents probably see a lot of people coming in, not many blokes in makeup, and they see me and I see the signal goes through to the brain, and the brain goes, “No information on this! No information! No information! No previous experience in this area… No previous… no previous… no previous experience… Don’t know what the fuck to do. Suggestions, get all the packs of crisps out of the way.” “Okay, we’ll do that…” “So I’ll tie all these papers together.” “All right…” “What- what- what do you want?!” I can see that in their eyes, and I say, “I want a pack of crisps! I’ve got money.” And they go, “What, you eat crisps? Thought you wanted to shag crisps!” “No, I don’t do that…” It’s funny, as soon as you start talking, they go, ‘Oh, all right…” Yeah… Interesting… 12. The English Evangelists So I’m into ideas, this is my thing, because you’ve got to be if you deal with this. People who are philosophers write their ideas down on how the world works, and you can pick and choose. Religious I have more of a problem with, I am not a religious person, ‘cause they all tend to be exclusionist, in a way. I mean, there’s four or five big ones, and each one tells the same, “We are the main religion, by the way, and all you guys… no, sorry, you’ve got it wrong.” And the next one says, “No, ours is. We’ve got the thing upstairs, and no, no, no…” So it doesn’t tend to bring the whole world together, so I like world ideas. I also think that if you institutionalize an idea, it can go wrong. That’s probably where it starts going on. Like Mr. Jesus, of the Christ family – oh, the Christ family, they had a great carpentry and everything! But he wasn’t writing things down when he was preaching, he wasn’t going, “’The meek shall inherit the Earth.’ Ooh, get that down! That’s a crackup! There’s a chapter-heading, that one! Yes!” No, he just spoke his stuff, and then he was killed by the Romans, and then 300 years later, the Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, who were friends of Barry, Mango and Midge. Well, no, I still have a problem with these names – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John – they’re English! These are English people, I mean, you know, this is Galilee, Judea! You got names like Judas, and Jesus, and Elijah, something like that, but Matthew, Mark, Luke and John?! “Yes, that’s our friend Jeremy, that’s Sebastian, and… Kenneth. We’re all from Galilee…” Fucking ‘ell! Yeah, so… There was actually a disciple called Zebedee , yeah. All the disciples have people named after them in Christian countries, but not Zebedee. It was one Zebedee, and then, about 2,000 years later, a thing on a spring with a big mustache. ‘Cause Zebedee was a disciple with really weird ideas! He came up with the chocolate eggs idea, being given up by bunny rabbits at Easter, you know… “Fucking ‘ell, Zeb, what are you on, man?” “The eggs are chocolate, we can put things inside, you know?” “This is Galilee! They’re gonna melt!” “That’s true, yeah… Fucking hell! I never thought about it …” Must have got lots of fridges… (mimes writing) “Perhaps not.” But in the Medieval period, the Christian religion moved into the monasteries, and everyone had to wear brown; brown was the fashion, it was about 200 years of fucking brown… That’s why the monks mumble, (walks around while miming reading) “Brown again, brown… Spring fashion still brown, Autumn brown… fucking brown!” ‘Cause you had two looks – hood up or hood down, that was it. Hood up was for mysterious… (hums chant) and hood down for, “Surprise! It’s me!” They should have had a big afro underneath. (mimes afro expanding) “Fucking ’ell!” And they would dance to Gregorian chats, too! (singing mock Gregorian chant) It really never kicks in as a music, does it? (singing house percussion) So… and also they would copy the Bible from Greek into Latin, and the first letter of each page would be huge and ornate, ‘cause that’s how they used to read the Bible in the old days, “When Jesus came up the mountain…” to wake people up. (mimes waking up startled) 13. Quirks of Nature As human beings, we think ourselves pretty damn groovy. We do, because we have two things – we have communication… and we have thumbs. These are two things – communication, so we can say things like, “Well, I suppose so,” and thumbs so we can pick things up. Otherwise we just go (mimes pushing something around) , like cats do. You know how cats do that with a little ball of something or other…? ‘Cause if cats had thumbs, they’d go… (mimes picking up ball and putting it down repeatedly) It’s not so much fun, is it? Cats have a thumb half way up their leg, don’t they? They have a “lazy thumb,” it’s called, and the other reason they use it is to flick rubber bands at people. (mimes flicking rubber band) “Ow! Who did that? Did you do that?” (cat stares innocently) “Did you do that, cat? Did you flick a rubber band at me?” (stare continues) “Found your drilling equipment the other day.” (over) “He’s found the drilling equipment. The humans have found the drilling equipment. Open up Charlie tunnel. We dig ‘round the clock.” Next day, you find your cat walking over the cat litter… (mimes dropping excavated soil while walking around and humming) Not in leggings, of course… And you go, “I’ve got three cats wearing trousers! What the hell is going on? And the cat litter- I emptied the cat litter! It’s up to here! They’ve gone mad! Also, I found three cats at the bottom of the garden, they’ve dug their way out. One was dressed as a postman, and had German passport papers… Another one dressed as a German guard, and the third one was in a motorbike, going to Switzerland! Steve McCat’s his name… Another two were riding a boat, and another one was James Garner…” Anyway… “He couldn’t read, he was on a plane, James Garner… “I’m talking about “The Great Escape” here… Yes, so… What the hell was I talking about? Yes, human beings! Yes, we value ourselves pretty highly, but there are other animals that do amazing things, we just sort of skip over this. Like birds- birds fly, it’s an amazing thing; when you’re a kid, you really appreciate it, until you see one bird fly into a window, and you go, “Ah! Live in the sky, die in a window, yes…”Whereas we just got planes going straight into a cliff, or something, which is much more healthy. But birds do amazing things- every Winter they fly South, for their holidays, and they don’t get permission, they do it by ESP. “Calling all birds! Calling all birds! We’re gonna mass outside Mrs. Stevens’ house. She’s recently seen Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds,” so it should freak her out a bit… Bring your hooded look with you. Oh, yes, we’ve chosen Greece this year for our holiday, you’ll be pleased to know. Please bring suntan cream, especially you robins, who always get terribly burnt.” And they all mass up, all the birds, looking mean and (growling), “Yes, we were extras in the film, yeah.” And they’re ready to fly, but then one bird must know where to go, and he goes, (mimes taking off) and they go, “It’s Steve, the bird! Follow Steve, the bird!” They all shoot up in formation, but they don’t go to Greece for a couple of days; they just fly ‘round and ‘round, and ‘round, and ‘round; there must be 60 birds back in formation, doing this (mimes flapping wings and walking around) who must be going, “Who the fuck is flying this year? Not Steve the bird! He’s terrible… We went to fucking Greece last year…” All the while Steve the bird has a huge map all over his face (mimes dealing with the map while flying) “All right, all right, don’t push! Let me get this map down… Now… Is that the Church of the Squire? That’s the post office… This is the Lake District! It’s the Lake District! Hold on, where is Greece?” Also, they sing! Birds do birdsong, and it’s a beautiful thing, and people record it down, and say, “It’s a beautiful bird song,” and they put it on tape, but we know that the bird’s song is territorial! It’s a claim for their territory, if you translate the verses into English. If you translate it, it says, “Fuck off out of here! You young sparrows, get a haircut! I know your Dad!” You know that song, “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square”? He actually sang, “Fuck off out of Berkeley Square!” True, yeah… And then there’s flying fish! Flying fish are weird! All fish swim, except the flying ones… And why do they fly? They take off out of the water, fly along, but they don’t have feet; they can’t walk on the ground, they don’t go and perch up on trees and stuff, so once it’s up in the air, they go… (mimes flying) “Fancy a swim?” Strange! Mountain goats! Mountain goats scamper up mountains – you never see mountain goats halfway up a mountain, knocking things in, clicking things on… “Okay, climbing now… okay…” They never use it, unless they do an overhang, if they go on an overhang, then… Mountaineers are half way up, and all these mountain goats keep… “Fucking mountain goats! There’s a hand-hold right there, mate, just go on…” Mountain goats get to the top, take photos… (mimes mountain goats posing) Then straight back down! (mimes mountain goat speeding down the mountain) Past the mountaineers – “Don’t worry, we’re doing lengths! We’ll be back again!” 14. Survival Swimming Oh, yes, takes me back to swimming! I swam widths and lengths, more of a widths person myself… It used to be, “Well, we’re going to go swimming. All of you kids who can swim, off you go and look very lean and fit and cut through the water like… things that cut through the water. All of you, fat kids, here’s a bit of a puddle. In you go and humiliate yourselves in the shallow end…” We’ve got this float thing, a white, batted paddle, and you get in the shallow end… (mimes going in the shallow end of pool) and do widths across… Oh, it was terrible! It was an aqua zima frame, it was. You get to the side… (panting and turning around) And you just crawl like a really slow waiter or something, you know? You had two positions, this position or Captain Speedy! (mimes bowing down head and pushing paddle) I did “Bronze Survival” Swimming, yes! I could save people in a bronzy kind of way… Yes, what would happen was… “Gold Survival” Swimming, they were very good, they’d bring you all the way in, save your life, give you a wash and brush up, and give you the bus fare home; very good service. Silver Service, they’d bring you all the way in, and just sort of serve up some food – come on, go with that! “And “Bronze Survival,” we’d just bring them up and leave them in the shallow end – “Go on, you can move now!” “You’re supposed to take me all the way in!” “You paid for Bronze, you get bronze, mate!” But point five of Bronze Survival was very interesting – it said, “When you fall into the water, remove- quickly remove your pajamas…” “Pajamas?” And I just mentally thought, “I must remember for the rest of my life ‘in pajamas…’” “Remove your pajamas from your body, tying off the arms and legs and the rest of everything, and then whip them over your head very fast, and then fit them to the size and consistency of a small boat.” All the rescue ships are going, “We must pick up the survivors! The ship has sunk… Look! A kid on pajamas in the back!” (sound of motorized boat approaching, mimes waving and hair moving in the wind) Someone holding on to the legs of your pajamas, waterskiing behind… (skier waves too) Don’t think it was gonna happen! 15. Enterprising Insects And then, there’s bees and wasps. When you’re a kid, bees and wasps are out to get you, so you run from bees and wasps. (mimes running while chased away by bees and wasps) “Bees and wasps!” And they’re always just behind your head… “There’s a wasp behind my head!” They’re on a tractor beam, gotta cling on there… And they just chase you, and your Dad, who’s working with the bees and wasps, comes out and tells you, “Stand still!” and you go, (in a very low voice) “What? No…” And the wasps go, “Thanks, Dad!” (sounds of speeding and crash) And later on, you realize that bees aren’t so bad, because they only sting you once, and they only sting you as a last resort, which is the equivalent of the “do or die” card in “Escape from Colditz, The Board Game.” And also they make honey, and that’s an amazing thing! Bees make honey?! We’ve known this since we were kids, so we take it absolutely for granted, but bees are insects, furry body, red- not red, yellow and black stripy, hairy leggy, big ears- big eyes! Big ears as well, but they leave them behind when they go out. Got out of that one. Medium size wings, you know- they’re buzzy things, you know, and they make honey?! Which is in your morning, on your breakfast-y toastie, in a jar, kind of- how do they do that?! I mean, do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy? What is going on? Earwigs going, “Get the chutney under that stone there. (singing) We make chutney all day… It’s an earwig’s life, ain’t it? Put the chutney in there, there we go.” And spiders, saying, “Gravy, yes… no problem at all, mate. We’ll make spider gravy, the way spiders like to make it, yes… Put that cube in there… Hold on, Legs… There you go, mate. Can we get the measuring jar back when you’re finished?” It’s very weird! So they way bees make honey, is they get 10 bees together, they fly down to a supermarket, they get a jar of honey, and they bring it back, that’s how! And the Queen Bee just gets a big knife, and spreads it in… in some artist’s fashion, in the big combs in the back. The worker bees just look on, and the drones come in occasionally and go (drone sounds) “Would you piss off, you drone bees?” (drone sounds continue) That’s bees; wasps have this one sting thing that works for them. “I’ll sting him, I’ll sting him, (singing) I’ll sting this guy over here… pow! I’ll stick this brick for no reason, I’ll sting this thing, and this guy once again…” And they sting whatever they want, and then they get back to the hive and make nothing! Nothing at all! They just smoke dope, all day long… all through the Summer, and so the old sting is stoned out of his brain… (wobbling about and singing) “Fancy a carpet? (singing continues) I used to be a flyer, yes… Fly through the sky, those were the days… Me and Baron Von Richhovenwasp… Yeah, now I’m a rambler, no longer a flyer, I ramble… (singing) I like to ramble cross carpets… Oh, I’m dead! (mimes dropping dead) Yes… And also, bees look for pollen; they find pollen, and when they do, they come back to the hive. “I’ve found pollen.” “Where did you find pollen?” And instead of telling the other bees, they do an intricate dance in front of them. (singing and dancing) “Brian, where’s the pollen?” (resumes singing and dancing) “Where’s the bloody pollen, Brian?! All this leaping about can wait until later!” Why doesn’t the first bee who found the pollen say, “Follow me! (buzzing) Here it is.” That could work, couldn’t it? No, they don’t think… 16. Horror Movies on Telly But television, television… no link. Bees sometimes are on television, and television – is that what you want? (chuckles) It’s not like sometimes bees watch television, but they do, when they fly by, you know, and they go by a telly, and they just stop… (buzzing sound) ‘Cause, you know, they’ve seen it, or it’s a repeat, or something. I’m interested in television, even though I only rarely go on television to say that I’m not going on television that I am on television, because… (sotto voce) which is working quite well… I’m into it, I like it as a media; I think the whole world is getting hold of it, it’s becoming a good communication tool, where it brings us closer together; and I think that’s a groovy thing. But also the B-movie genre, this big dumping ground of films on television has become a huge cultural item, ‘cause there’s so much of it! And I love it, I tend to watch television only now between 12:00 and 4:00 in the morning, and you get this rubbish on! Absolute- I can watch it, I don’t know why… I’m addicted to crap; but no, there’s the horror movies that come on, and you know they’re on telly, even if you’re not watching, ‘cause all the theme songs are… (singing overdramatic music) “Oh, my God, oh, my God!” And all the titles in the films are, “The Thing That Came from Somewhere,” ”The House That Jack Built…” You know… Expensive horror films have more expensive theme tunes, with sort of choirs of small children, going… (singing eerie melody) 17. Dracula, or Dracul, or Drac… And then, there’s “Dracula.” “Dracula” is the most successful of them all, the biggest myth in our mind. Dracula, or Dracul, or Drac, or “D,” depends how well you know him… But there’s a weak link in the Dracula story, which is if you see one Dracula film, or one presentation having to deal with Dracula, you know what to do. Because if a vampire came in here right now, we’d all do the sign of the cross, we’d do stake through the heart, and then we’d do garlic bread, yeah? Perhaps garlic bread as a starter, and then the stake through the heart as dessert… The cross in the middle, stake… We’d work it out. Yeah… we’d all know what to do. And also I think we’ve all been thinking this without actually sort of consciously bringing it forward; when you watch this film, you think, “Does fingers work?” Just doing the sign of the cross with your fingers- do you have to have a cross with you, or can you just do that? (crossing fingers) If it’s just fingers, it’s great; anyone can do it, you know. If you have to carry a cross around, we know that the cross works, okay; but if the tops gets knocked off, it’s a T-sign- does that work? Does the vampire go, “Er… that’s a T-sign! I’m not upset by that!” But if you hold your thumb up above it, it’s a cross, which means it’s a shape, so fingers should work! And if it’s so, they’ve got no chance- vampires are going, “Ah, ha, ha! I will bite you now!” And you go, “No, fingers!” “Oh, sorry.” “Ah, ha, ha!” “No, I’ve got fingers too!” “Oh, yes, you do!” “Ah… oh, you know too? Okay…” And he just becomes like one of those questionnaires people that you meet on the street. (mimes vampire holding clipboard, trying to question people) And also I think a few other things should work with vampires, like a chainsaw – that should really work. If you take a vampire, and you remove his arms and legs with a chainsaw, that’s gonna slow him down a bit, surely. “See the vampire, see him fly…” (crashing noise) “Slowed down a lot, that one!” “Ah, but I’m Dracula! I am here!” (evil laugh) “But you’re in a trolley, mate.” “Yes, there was a chainsaw, you see? Could you just bend down here? I’ve just dropped my keys. Could you just bend down?” “No, you’re gonna bite me, aren’t you? I know… just piss off, mate!” (trolley noises) Also they piss around with the myth… in a lot of them, but especially in the vampire one. We all know that Dracula must be in bed by dawn; all the vampires must be in bed by dawn, otherwise they go (blows raspberry) and turn into jelly with smoke. Now we know, this is a firm plank of the myth, but if you saw Francis Coppola’s “Dracula,” with Gary Oldman as Vlad The Impaler, (imitating Oldman) “I’m Vlad the Impaler.” (as Sean Connery) “I am Vlad The Impaler.” That was Sean Connery in the film “Never Say Never At Dracula Again.” (as Connery) “I’m Dracula, I’ve got this thing on my watch, see… (stretches wire out of watch) This capsule here, you put it in your ear and it explodes…“ Yeah, sorry… Yes, Gary Oldman as Vlad The Impaler, and in the middle of this, they want him to have scenes with this woman called Mina, who looks like his old wife, from years ago, and in the middle of it, they shoved it in – they sneaked it in, in fact, just very quietly, “Not many people know that vampires can go out during the day…” and people watching are going, “yeah…” I was going, “No, ‘old on! Absolutely not! No way!” I mean, what is a low-power vampire anyway? They can go out during the day, but they’re called “low power vampires.” What the hell is a low-power vampire? They go… (mimes jumping about flapping arms) Can’t actually fly anyway… and they leap in front of you, “Ah-ha-ha!” (blows raspberry) That’s all I do. No, I’m a daytime vampire, go on, thank you. Ah-ha-ha! (blows raspberry again) Cheers. Sign of the cross to you too, mate. (continues to blow raspberry to passersby) At least react!” People are going, “Officer, there’s a nutter in the park!” “Oh, it’s a low-power vampire, they’re no bother this time of year. Be in bed by nightfall…” (sighs) Yes… true story. I saw one vampire film once called “Dracula Is Dead!” He started off dead, and I thought, “Oh… no climax here!” But then, they said, “Not many people know that vampires can come back to life once they’ve been dead-ed!” I go, “No!” But then they said, “Oh, yes, if a pig comes by Castle Dracula on a Tuesday, playing a banjo…” That’s a crowbar plot move… So he’s back to life, and he gets to England. Four Victorian people saying, (as James Mason) “Let’s go to Castle Dracula in Transylvania for no reason at all. Will you come with me? I, James Mason, will go there. Come, Agatha, Tabitha, Bagatha, let’s go to Castle Dracula and… create a plot for this film.” And in Transylvania, they always go to a pub there, for a bit of local color; lots of people with big beards that you know is strapped over the ears…(mimes joking around with fake beard) “Which gap to drink through?” Pull the beard, have a drink, put it back, yeah… “Oh, certain folks around here aren’t from ‘round here…” “We’re from Devon. We came over for the ski. Food’s a bit weird, but okay…” “Hello, my name is James Mason, and we’re going to Castle Dracula. This is Agatha, Tabitha and Bagatha… Name’s a bit weird, but there you go.” “Well, I wouldn’t go to Castle Dracula if I were you, sir. You’ve got to film if you go up there, it’s very strange.” “We nevertheless wish to go to Castle Dracula, though. The film is about four people gong to a pub.” “Oh, no one laughed at that joke, mate! You’re a crap James Mason! You’re not coming out of that one! You fucked up!” “Yes, I did, I planned to fuck up there; just to show you how to escape from a fuck up.” So they go to- I don’t know where I was going with that- but they always go up to Castle Dracula in a coach driven by a total monster; big, hairy thing going… (evil laughter) “Back to Russia!” And Castle Dracula looks like hell on toast, you know, and all the victims in these films have had their common sense glands removed… If we were in that coach, we’d be going, “We get the fuck out of this coach now… Man-eating wolves, I don’t care! We’re walking back!” Everyone in the coach is going, “A tad slower, cappy? Oh, delightful place! Kind of spooky…” Saw these people go camping in millions of films. “Let’s go camping in the forest of Death and Blood.” “Whoa-whoa-whoa! Forest of Death and Blood? Is there a story behind the name, maybe?” “Well, yes, there is. Everyone who goes in dies from death and blood.” “I’ll pass on this one. My cat’s exploded and I thought… I’ve got a bad leg anyway.” But they go off and camp in the forest, and then a storm comes in, they can’t go back, and the bridge’s been blown up by squirrels… And they stay in a house, a wooden house, and in the middle of the night some twit says, “Look, there’s something moving in the forest about eight miles away! I’ll go and check…” Don’t check, please don’t check… That’s what curtains are for, you go, (mimes peeking through window) “Oh, my God!” But they say, “I’ll go check, and I’ll take a thimble with me… Don’t come near me, I’ve got a thimble!” They never listen to the music, do they? (singing ominous melody) We’d be going, “I’m not going down there! It’s spooky down there.” (ominous melody continues) “It’s spooky down here too.” (mimes taking a step and hearing ominous melody repeatedly, until he takes a step and the music is lively) Sometimes this guy is determined to get there… (singing ominous melody) “Piss off, you cellist! Stop following me in the forest!” (mimes cellist walking away while playing) The guy goes deep into the forest, and once he does, you know he’s had it. He’s going… “Oh, it’s is an axe murderer! It is! We weren’t sure… I thought it was either you or a badger! You know, could be a badger or an axe murderer, and it’s you! (mimes axe murderer whacking character) Oh, send a party!” 18. Star Trek But there’s one B-movie that became so huge it became a name movie, and everyone’s talked about this, it’s been multi-talked about- that doesn’t mean anything, really – and everyone’s talked about “Star Trek.” And that is the thing, but it’s so weird, ‘cause “Star Trek” had 60 television episodes, that were repeated forever, and there are two spin-off series now and six films, and nothing has ever done this! I mean, “Batman” is sort of doing a bit of this now, but not like that. And it’s huge! I was trying to work out why, and I think it’s because the characters in the film became bigger than the actual actors, in a sense that if you ever saw “T.J. Hooker,” this cop series, it was Captain Kirk playing T.J. Hooker, not William Shatner, the actor! You’d just think it was the commander, Captain Kirk, who’d come down to Earth and said, “I’m gonna be a cop for a bit,” you know… If you ever see the television series again, don’t watch the actors in the stories out front, going on in the scene; watch the people in the back, who’re working away in all these cardboard and flashing lights, essentially, ‘cause it’s just a set, and they’re going, “I’ll pull lever B now…” There’s a lot of clipboard work, have you noticed? People go around on clipboards, going, “Yes, you’ve got a machine, well done… And the machine… would you like to sign on that? Thank you…” With a clipboard, there’s a lot of clipboard people in there. Spock was there, he had this big cylindrical bag… sort of computer screen that he was looking into, saying things to Captain Kirk: “Captain Kirk, we’re going to die in .28 seconds. Oh, should I have told you that earlier? Sorry about that!” And he’d put Twix and stuff neatly down, then he would just sneak in and… (mimes eating in hiding) And Uhura over here, in the swivel chair, going, “Mr. Spock is eating a Twix! He’s eating Twix!” “Shut up. Shut the fuck up! (sternly, as Spock) Shut the fuck up, Uhura!” He couldn’t get overemotional, Spock; no matter- all the actors should have just stomped on his foot, while shooting the scene, because he couldn’t go, “Fuck off!” He’d have to go (mimes restraining himself) “Captain, I’m very annoyed with Uhura.” (mimes threats) Or pour black soot over that oval computer screen he’s always looking at. “Oh, God, I’ve got this stuff all over my face! I gotta… (restraining himself) I am not happy…” And there was Uhura, and she had fingers; it was always different fingers. “Captain, it’s Starfleet Command on finger three.” (swiveling around in chair and switching fingers) “It’s the Klingons on finger two, Captain. It’s your Mom on finger four.” And Spock- no, Kirk, Captain Kirk, in the big swiveling chair, he’d keep records, press a button and go, “Captain’s log – Supplemental Bidoo-bidoo-bidoo, that’s all.” He’d sign a lot of clipboards all day – “Thank you very much, clipboard… ‘To Cliff from Captain Kirk’ Well done…” And there’s Chekov and Sulu, down the front, both driving, they both had steering wheels! Too many steering wheels… but you never saw them in the morning, when they came in to the starship Enterprise, going, “Oh, get the engine on, Chekov! It’s fucking freezing in here! Boy!” (mimes starting up ship) You also never saw them backing up either, Chekov going… (mimes backing up) “Captain Kirk, put your head down a bit.” Scotty- the actor playing Scotty, he must have hated the scripts! Every week, the same sort of script-thing. “Oh, not again! Not the same script, for fuck’s sake! ‘No, Captain. I cannot do that, Captain. I have no ability to do that, Captain. What speed you wish for, Captain? No, I cannot provide that at this time. No, you’ll never guess; it’s the engine. No, it’s the carburetor that’s gone this time. No way, who’s there? The cat’s eaten the Delethian Crystals, you see, and it’s coughing up fur balls, and…” He could never do anything! There was Kirk going, “Scotty, we need to go back to 9 in five seconds, or we’re toast!” And he goes, “I can give you 30 miles an hour in a week, Captain, how about that?” And there was Dr. McCoy, a doctor so dramatic- so overly dramatic! Down at the surgery, going, (overacting) “Jim! Jim! Christ, Jim! Jim, it’s me, “Bones,” Jim! Me! McCoy! How long have I known you? Jim! Me! Spock! Christ, Spock! Man! Jim! Spock! Me, “Bones”! “Bones”! Me! Spock! Christ! This boy is dying of lurgey! Lurgey, Jim, lurgey! Five lurgeys, two of them I’ve never heard of! Christ, Spock! Jim! How long have I known you, Spock? Jim’s known this boy… Christ! Jim, Spock, me, Christ… I have to remove his brain, his liver, his lungs, and his spleen, and I have to do it with a torch as well…” (mimes using torch) They always do that torch thing… Then they would all get bored. “Let’s beam down somewhere! Last one down the energizer room is a wanker!” (mimes rushing to energizer room) And you knew, if all the name cast were beaming down, they were coming back; that’s how it was. But if there was a new bloke beaming down with them… (mimes subtly pointing at the new guy) “Who’s he? You got really worried about the new bloke, especially if he was wearing a red jumper… (sotto) “Who the fuck’s he?” “That’s Stevens, sir. Stevens, from Accounts.” “Accounts? Didn’t know we had an accounts department. Stevens?” (campy cockney) “Yes, sir? Oh, hello. I’m from Accounts. I thought I’d just beam down on this landing party… Well, last time the figures were a bit weird, you know? 400 packed lunches were eating, and there was only two of you beaming down! So I thought I’d beam down; put my best red jumper on…” “”We’re all wearing light blue, did you notice that? There’s a target on the front of your shirt, yeah…” “Oh… oh, really?” “It’s okay, prepare to beam down.” “All right, Captain.” (humming eerily and shaking all over) And the rest of them are looking at him… “What’s all that about, Stevens?” “I thought I was beaming down!” “We’ve got a machine to do that. We pull that lever, you see…” “Oh, you bastards! You just let me do that!” (mocking sound from Captain Kirk) Then they beam down to an oval of gravel, with six big rocks in the back… every week. “Captain, strong déjà vu here!” And they get out these machines… (machine beeping) “Captain, this entire planet is made of “willy-wee.” And also you, Captain, and I checked with Sulu and Uhura, and everything we never thought of is willy-wee. I think this just must be a box of “willy-wee…”” But then there was the phasers. Now the phasers were just there; you just had two settings – kill or stun, but it should have been a much more amazing weapon, ‘cause they had very advanced technology. There should have been many more settings, not just kill or stun. Kill, stun, limp- that’s a nice one, isn’t it? All the “Star Trek” people over there with the phasers, and all the people on the planet would be over here, going, “It’s people… invaders! We must get them! Yeah!” (mimes attacking and suddenly limping after phaser is shot) “They’ve set their phasers on limp, oh… Get out of here.” Or set it on “Bit of a Cough” setting, even lower. (mimes attacking and getting a coughing attack) “Get some Spectrum, quick!” Or it could have “Depression” setting, that’s, you know, an emotional setting. (mimes attacking and sudden onset of depression) “Oh, bugger! It’ll never work, let’s just… I don’t know, my whole life down the drain… Invaders, invaders…” “Bad Ice” setting, that could work. (mimes attacking, then skidding on ice) Bear with me, please, I’ve thought of 100 of these. “Ice-cream Van Nearby” setting, that’s one. (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by buying ice-cream) “Oh, two, three…” (mimes eating ice-cream) Then you have “Sudden Interest in Botany” setting – (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by a plant) “Ooh! (mumbles) Repot every summer…” “Water in Ear After Swimming”! (mimes attacking, then jumping about to get rid of water in the ear) Oh, yeah, and finally, this is very totally finally – “Oven Left On At Home” setting. (mimes attacking, then turning around and running in the opposite direction) “Oh, shit!” So that is it. That is my totally nonsensical show; I hope you enjoyed some of it, if not, the intention was there as an escape route. So thank you very much for being here, and thank you for bearing with me. Cheers, good night.

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Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking (2013) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-laughing-and-joking-transcript/

Recorded at the London’s Hammersmith Apollo (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jimmy Carr! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thanks very much. Good. Good. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE continues) That’s… …far too kind. Well, let’s crack on, shall we? Good evening. Are you well? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – Fantastic. I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy. Not that impressive, is it? The hardest-working man in comedy. That’s like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. (LAUGHTER) No offence to any burns victims we’ve got in. Are there any in? If there’s one, there’ll be fucking loads. They tend to stick together. (LAUGHTER) And we’re off! (LAUGHTER) Someone came up to me outside and went, “I thought you’d be younger.” I said, “I was.” (LAUGHTER) I’m 40 years of age, but girls still check me out. I wouldn’t mind but they’re so bloody obvious about it, pointing and whispering. (WHISPERS) “Stranger danger.” (LAUGHTER) Every night after the show, I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door. And, sometimes, I let ’em out. (LAUGHTER) Are there any comedy groupies in here this evening? Any gag hags? Any chuckle fuckers? The only reason I ask is if any girls come up to me after the show, looking for sex, I’m going to have to disappoint you. I mean, we can have sex… (LAUGHTER) …just it will be quite disappointing. I wouldn’t lie to you, it would be like throwing a sausage up an alleyway. (LAUGHTER) More information than some of you wanted. OK. I’m a stand-up comedian, a TV host, an actor and a writer. People ask me, “What’s your secret?” I’m the M4 rapist. Ssh! It’s a joke! I have never been wrongly accused of rape. (LAUGHTER) We all like a laugh, yes? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – That’s the one thing we’ve all got in common in this room – we all like a laugh. It’s a very British thing, I think, to come out, of an evening, with the express intention of just having a laugh. Here’s a great fact about this country – the average person in Great Britain laughs out loud ten times a day. Not everyone, obviously. If you work in a hospice or with learning-disabled adults, it could be ten times that. (LAUGHTER) The sky’s the limit! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, that’s my laugh, which is… Someone said my laugh was weird. My laugh isn’t weird, it’s wrong. Cos you’re meant to laugh on an out breath, aren’t you? You’re meant to laugh on a “Ha-ha!” “Ha-ha-ha-ha!” I laugh on an in breath, so it’s, “Ah-ah! Ah-ah!” (LAUGHTER) Sounds like a goose being interfered with! (LAUGHTER) Someone asked me the other day, “Is it fake?” Why would you fake that?! (LAUGHTER) “Ah-ah! Ah-ah!” They say that laughter is the best medicine, so maybe, just maybe, if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs… (LAUGHTER) I’m a dreamer, what can I tell you? I was at a show recently… I don’t know if anyone’s had this experience. I was at a show, watching a band, and… Standing just under the fire escape, watching a band play, pint on with a mate, relaxing, and a lady from the venue came up to us – in the little waistcoat and the little name badge – came up and went, “Excuse me, you’re going to have to move. “Because, if there’s a fire, you’re blocking the exit.” I said, “I tell you what, love. If there’s a fire, I’ll move.” (LAUGHTER) ‘King retard. (LAUGHTER) What did she think I was going to do in the event of a fire? Just stand there, going, “Nobody move! “Why has everything gone orangey and hot? I don’t like it!” Oh, mobile phones off. I should have said that at the top of the show. Mobile phones off as a courtesy to the other patrons in the auditorium. I say “mobile phones” – what I mean there is “phones”. No-one’s brought a landline, have they? And let’s face facts, the landline is dead. When the landline goes in our house, there’s panic! “Shit the bed, who the fuck is that? We’re both here.” (LAUGHTER) A lot of people text whilst driving. I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret when we’re drunk. (LAUGHTER) I saw a thing on the news that said that bad drivers are going to get on-the-spot £100 fines. I thought, “That’s a bit sexist.” (LAUGHTER) Did you understand that? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (BABY VOICE) Yes, you did! (LAUGHTER) (BABY VOICE) Yes, you did! I’m not being sexist. How could I be? Some of my best friends are slags. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Now, is this sexist? You can be the judge on this. Sorry for being rude. But do you think chat-up lines are sexist? No, they’re not. They are fun, right? I mean, they’re cheesy, but they’re meant to be cheesy, that is their charm. What’s that one? I like that one, “Get your coat, “it’s cold in the boot of my car.” (LAUGHTER) I don’t know if this has happened to you. I was checking into a hotel recently. It’s about one o’clock in the morning, after a gig up in Manchester. Walked into the reception area and the guy recognised me and went, “Oh, Mr Carr, we’ve put you in a disabled room.” (LAUGHTER) I said, “Right, what’s the difference “between a normal room and a disabled room?” And he said “The disabled room’s got a walk-in shower.” (LAUGHTER) That’s taking the fucking piss, isn’t it?! (LAUGHTER) I’ve got a question for you, ladies and gentlemen. Does anyone in this room believe in the supernatural? Ghosts and spirits and the like? AUDIENCE: Yes! Quite a lot of you. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. (LAUGHTER) Grow up. (LAUGHTER) That’s me being cynical, but that’s this job. Being a stand-up comedian, I think, makes you a bit of a cynic. Has anyone in here actually seen a ghost? – (WOMAN WHOOPS) – Well, go on, what did you see, Madam? Tell us the story. (LAUGHTER) And there was no-one there! (LAUGHTER) Go on, what did you see? WOMAN: I’m not telling you now, you’ve made me nervous. “I’m… I’m not…” I make you nervous? You’ve seen the undead… (LAUGHTER) …and I make you nervous? (APPLAUSE) Doesn’t really show me in a good light, does it? Go on, where were you when you saw the apparition? I was in, um, a friend’s house. You were in a friend’s house? – Yeah. – Right. And her stepfather was… Her stepfather was what, sorry? (LAUGHTER) I think I may have cracked this case already. (LAUGHTER) There’s a stepfather involved. (LAUGHTER) Was there “ectoplasm”? (LAUGHTER) Go on, what happened? Were you upstairs? – Were you…? – I was in his son’s bedroom. You were in his son’s bedroom. (LAUGHTER) Course you were, love. Go on. He wasn’t there but, um, he died at the same time as I started seeing this weird shit and I woke her up, basically. He had died? You should have mentioned that sooner. (LAUGHTER) And then you started seeing weird shit? – (LAUGHTER) – I’m loving this. There’s a special name for people that have seen ghosts. – Schizophrenic. – (LAUGHTER) All the best with your future. (LAUGHS) Quite an in-depth story. I’ll leave it at that – stepfather did something terrible… and you’ve recoded that memory. Of course, not all fat people are jolly. Some of them are women. (LAUGHTER) You shouldn’t be mean. Fat girls have got feelings. Mainly, they’re hungry! (LAUGHTER) It’s only a joke, isn’t it? It’s only a bit of fun! I told it the other night and a girl got up and walked out. Well, waddled out. (LAUGHTER) I presume offended, possibly just peckish. (LAUGHTER) Whenever I’m in the changing rooms at the gym, I’m always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else’s. But then, in fairness, it is erect. (LAUGHTER) Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls – do they blow themselves up? (LAUGHTER) In Palestinian passports, under “Occupation,” do they just put, “Israel”? (LAUGHTER AND GROANS) That joke is only there to test where the Guardian readers are sitting. (LAUGHTER) No further questions, back to the knob gags. I do talk about sex a lot in my show. I talk about sex all the time on stage and a friend called me on it recently. He came to see the gig and he went, “You talk about sex all the time. Are you obsessed?” I said, “Well, I’m not obsessed.” But sex is the great universal topic for comedy. It’s still quite taboo to talk about it openly in public. Everyone’s interested, everyone cranes forward and there’s a lot of tension around sex, and where you find that kind of tension, that’s also a great place to find laughter, so sex is a great topic for comedy. But it’s difficult to stand in front of you good people and talk about sex without sounding crude. So, to try and mitigate that, to try and alleviate that, this evening, if I refer to a vagina at any point, I’ll be calling it a twinkle cave. (LAUGHTER) As in, “So there I was, licking out her twinkle cave…” (LAUGHTER) “…while she deep-throated my tummy banana.” (LAUGHTER) It’s nice to be nice, isn’t it? I saw a woman wearing a top, it said “Superdry” on the front… (LAUGHTER) I said, “Have you thought about lubricants or HRT?” (LAUGHTER) “Maybe a little bit of Aussie charm?” Are you familiar with the term “Aussie charm”? It just means… (SPITS) …one of those. (LAUGHTER) Australian charm – you’re welcome. A very pleasing look from the ladies of London, as if to say, “Well, I didn’t know that had a name but, yes, that does happen.” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) My girlfriend bought a T-shirt for £80. That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a T-shirt, am I right? It said D&G on the front. I suppose, fair enough, one of her tits is bigger than the other. (LAUGHTER) (HIGH-PITCHED HONK) (LOW-PITCHED HONK) (LAUGHTER) I thought my girlfriend was a slag when she told me I was her thirty-second lover. And then I realised she was talking about time. (LAUGHTER) There is a minimum comprehension level – you may be asked to leave. I’m sorry. (LAUGHTER) My ideal woman would be a single mum… once I’d finished with her. (LAUGHTER AND GROANS) It’s a joke! I’d pay for the abortion! (LAUGHTER) Ah, got you again! I fucking wouldn’t. (LAUGHTER) Let’s talk about something a little bit more serious. It can’t all be slapstick abortion stuff. Um… (LAUGHTER) My first wife was from Thailand. (MAN CHEERS) Well, don’t, cos you’ll feel bad. It’s actually quite a sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died… of testicular cancer. (LAUGHTER) Probably the best way I could describe it is her twinkle cave was an outie. (LAUGHTER) I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt. I thought, “That shows a lot of balls.” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Let’s hear from all the heterosexual men in the room. Give us a shout, all the heterosexual men. (MEN CHEER AND WHISTLE) I’m guessing, from that expression… (LAUGHTER) “I can’t remember which one heterosexual is.” (LAUGHTER) “I’m not taking a chance, maybe this is how they recruit them!” (LAUGHTER) The most annoying thing my sister does is that show, Chatty Man. (LAUGHTER) That’s the most annoying heckle that I get at gigs. I like it when people join in, I like a bit of a heckle and a bit of fun. But the most annoying one I get is when I’ve set up a joke, just about to do the punch line and then someone goes – invariably, it’s the same thing, it’s always, “Where’s Alan? Where’s Alan?” It is not my, like, bête noire, it’s just a bit annoying. “Where’s Alan?” MAN: Where’s Alan? – (LAUGHTER) – He’s at your house, fucking your dad. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I think we all knew… Including him, I think we all knew that was a trap. (LAUGHTER) I could feel you, as one, going, “Hold, hold, hold!” And then one brave soul over there said, “No. “I’m taking one for the team.” Or rather your dad is! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Of course, not all gay people are happy, camp and fun. Some of them are lesbians. (LAUGHTER) If you’re a lesbian and you didn’t find that funny, you’re surprising no-one. (LAUGHTER) Are there any lesbians in? No, my gaydar is pretty much honed in on this… this pair down here. Hello, how are you two? – You all right? – Yeah. I presume you’re a couple. – Married, yes. – You’re married? Oh, congratulations. Fabulous. How long you been married? Since October. Since October? My God, it’s new and fresh. Have you even finished consummating the relationship? No. You don’t know when you’re finished, do you? That’s one of the problems… (LAUGHTER) …with your lifestyle choice. “We’ll just put that on hold, we’ll be back in a minute.” (LAUGHTER) So you’re married, you’re committed to each other. Well, it’s maybe a crazy question to ask you because you’re in this long-term relationship and you love each other, but what would it take to get you back on solids? (LAUGHTER) Quite a lot. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) She’s a definite no and you’re a maybe. OK, good. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) I love my job. I tell you what, I’m going to do a test and see whether we’ve got any other sisters in the room, see if there’s any other lesbians. “Sisters.” Like I’m a lesbian – I’ve got the haircut, come on! (LAUGHTER) I look a bit like K.D. Lang, I could get away with it. (LAUGHTER) I’ll test the heterosexuality of the other ladies in the room, just a simple question to test this. Ladies, have you read Fifty Shades Of Grey? – WOMEN: Yes! – You’ve all read that book? You love that book! I would describe Fifty Shades Of Grey as the ultimate flick book. (LAUGHTER) It was the bestselling book last year. What’s the world coming to? (LAUGHTER) It was the bestselling book last year. I can prove it – last year, wettest on record. (LAUGHTER) I think it’s a very interesting book because, although it’s not a great piece of literature, it’s more gusset typing… (LAUGHTER) …it’s interesting because it’s pornography for ladies. That’s what it is, right? And, men, that book is in our houses, isn’t it? Fifty Shades Of Grey is in our house and we’ve not even picked it up. We’re not looking at your pornography, ladies. We’re not interested in your kind of pornography. We’re very happy with the service broadband is providing. (LAUGHTER) Ladies consume pornography in a very different way to men. The genders are very different in our consumption of pornography. Here’s a fact, gentlemen, that will blow your minds about women’s consumption of pornography. Women watch porn films… to the end. (LAUGHTER) You know why? To see if they get married. (LAUGHTER) Well, it’s probably as good a time as any to talk about how political correctness works in stand-up comedy. Because some people think it’s a free-for-all – you can say whatever you want because of freedom of speech. That is not the case. There are rules and regulations that govern what I do. Basically, how political correctness works in stand-up comedy is, if you are directly affected by something or involved in something, you get a free pass – you’re allowed to joke about that thing. So, for example, homosexual people can joke about being gay. Disabled people can joke about disability. Black or Asian people can joke about race. Those are the rules. So, these two paedophiles walk into a park… (LAUGHTER) Child abuse – there’s a touchy subject! (LAUGHTER) I saw a headline in the paper, it said, “Police smash paedophile ring.” (LAUGHTER) I thought, “Good, let’s see how they fucking like it.” (LAUGHTER) Have we got any teachers in this evening? Give us a shout, any teachers. – (CHEERING) – Oh, loads of teachers in. You work bloody hard, don’t you, teachers? Half the year, five hours a day. Whew! (LAUGHTER) I’m not knocking it, I could never do what you people do for a living. Not because it’s difficult – I wouldn’t pass a CRB check. (LAUGHTER) I’ve actually got a bit of a soft spot for teachers. I used to go out with a teacher and she was lovely. But if ever I wanted sex, she always insisted I put my hand up first. (LAUGHTER) – That is ruder than it first appears. – (LAUGHTER) You’re welcome. (LAUGHTER) Have we got any special needs teachers in? – (SCATTERED WHOOPING) – Oh, there was a whoo over there. – What’s your name, madam? – Danielle. Very nice to have you in. All I was going to say about special needs teachers is you are the best and the brightest, in my humble opinion. The best and the brightest teachers. Because… I can prove it. We all know teachers socially, yes? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – Everyone knows teachers. Teachers are always moaning on about, “Oh, I’ve got homework to mark this evening.” Not you, eh, Danielle? (LAUGHTER) You’re not grading potato paintings, are you? Fuck it! (LAUGHTER) Your evenings are your own – fair play. (LAUGHTER) Was that a little “Yay”? – (LAUGHTER) – I can see the other teachers looking. “I’m fucking annoyed, I didn’t think of that!” (LAUGHTER) What, sorry? – WOMAN: I used to teach at your school. – You used to teach at my school? – At Burnham. – At Burnham Grammar? Did you…? Not when I was there, surely? – Obviously not. – No. Unless you moisturise a lot. Where are you from? (LAUGHTER) I’m from Belfast, but… You’re from… You’re from Belfast? Right. BELFAST ACCENT: “Ginger and community!” (LAUGHTER) Fa-fan-fa-far-far? (LAUGHTER) Fa-fan-fa-far-far? Aouf-ao-ao? I was just saying what you said to me back. I don’t… (LAUGHTER) Well, how come you’re teaching over here, then? Are you in the witness relocation scheme? What the fuck happened? (LAUGHTER) Fucking grass! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) What do you teach? What subject? – What? Sorry? – English. English? You can barely fucking pronounce. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I did Countdown recently – the TV show, not Dracula’s special-needs brother. One for the staff room. And I got asked when I did Countdown, when I did Countdown I got asked by every man that I know, everyone asked me, “How fit is that Rachel Riley off of Countdown? “How attractive is she, when you meet her?” And it wasn’t like a rhetorical question, they wanted me to answer. And I thought, “Well, I should be able to say “how attractive a work colleague and a friend is without sounding “misogynistic, without being sexist, shouldn’t I?” Let me… You be the judge. Rachel Riley, let me put it this way, I would crawl over broken glass to suck the cock of the last man that fucked her. I don’t think that’s overstating it. Ha ha-ha! I’d like to fuck her brains out – it’d take ages. Ha-ha. Now, I should warn you there will be some audience participation this evening. Apologies. And the only reason I mention it explicitly is because sometimes, when I ask someone a direct question, they get a bit flustered. I think it’s because they’re used to seeing me on TV, so then, when I ask them a direct question, they get a bit, “What the fuck is going on? “I didn’t press the red button. It’s gone all fucking interactive.” I got a guy wonderfully flustered the other day. Front and centre, where you’re sitting. I went, “Are you married or single?” He went, “Single.” And the girl next to him went, “He isn’t.” How could you fuck that up?! There was a lovely little pause and he went, “I think I might be single now.” Who’s seen me live before? Give us a shout. AUDIENCE: Yeah. Well, you’ll know that every year my friend Chris does illustrations for me, for jokes that I write that I think are a bit esoteric, that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed. Would you like to see them? AUDIENCE: Yes. Well, good, otherwise he’d be fucking gutted and we’d be having some quiet time. Which would be shit. I’ll show you some. Obviously we’ll kick off with some thoughts and ideas that I’ve had recently. Right, so, if you like looking at flowers but you can’t be arsed with gardening, simply run down a kid outside your house. (GROANING) I can’t believe you didn’t think of it. On Bonfire Night, I hope our neighbours keep their pets locked up, because there’s something about fireworks that makes me really horny. You don’t get many homeless gay men, which is a shame because they’d be fucking bums. I was outside a nightclub recently and I discovered that women can be bouncers if you’re travelling fast enough when you mount the pavement. The thing I worry about when I hear kids in the Third World are working 18 hours a day to make my trainers is when are they going to get a chance to finish my fucking laptop? I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me, “Do you want white or brown toast?” I said, “All toast is brown. You’re thinking of bread.” At any one time, a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 different types of urine on them. – (GROANING) – And that’s why they’re called peanuts. (LAUGHTER) Wayne Rooney wears the number 10 shirt. Or as he calls it, “The stick and the circle.” (LAUGHTER) All the celebrities get plastic surgery these days. Coleen Rooney’s just had some work done on her arsehole. He’s had a hair transplant. My friend reckons football violence and regressive behaviour are triggered by primitive tribal rivalries which are projected onto opposing teams and then expressed through exaggerated displays of loyalty. But he’s a lying Gooner twat, so he can suck my fucking cock. All that groaning and grunting in women’s tennis – it reminds me of sex. In that I’m watching it happen on screen whilst masturbating. To explain spot fixing in cricket, it’s what happens when something I don’t understand is done by someone I’ve never heard of in the middle of something I couldn’t give a fuck about. Spiders used to give me nightmares. Anyone else? AUDIENCE: Yeah. So I’ve stopped eating them just before bedtime. Of course the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you’re probably Australian. Are there any Australians in? – Yay! – Welcome back. I don’t like zoos. I prefer to see lions, tigers, elephants and bears in their natural environment. The circus! Is anyone here afraid of clowns? – Yes. – Are you afraid of clowns, sir? There’s actually a special name for people that are afraid of clowns. Mummy’s little benders. Ha ha-ha! This may interest you, though. Clowns have to register their facial design to make sure that other sex offenders don’t use it. Dwarves… …often get overlooked. (LAUGHTER) I can say that – they look up to me. Can we treat ourselves to another dwarf joke? I tell you what I know about dwarves – very little. Come on(!) Here’s a random fact. It’s random, but it’s true. One in ten British kids is now conceived in an IKEA bed. True. How it works is their parents insert flap A into slot B and then screw until the nuts tighten. Ha-ha ha-ha. In 2009, Nadya Suleman of California gave birth to octuplets, two daughters and six sons, earning her the nickname Octomum. Although she’s also known as Gigantosnatch. Those babies were walking before she was. (GROANING) (APPLAUSE) Ha-ha! I think the men in the room will be able to relate to this. My girlfriend always wants to stay in and watch Downton Abbey. But I want to go out and get a new girlfriend! I thought it’d be OK for me to have sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on a break. But, apparently, I ruined that weekend at Center Parcs. I was going to tell you a story about the poshest place I have ever been. I got invited last year to Clarence House, where Charles and Camilla live in central London. I got invited. I’m involved in this hospice charity cos I’m such a fucking terrific guy. Not because I was press-ganged into it. No, no, no! Maybe a little. Anyway, I’m involved in this thing. So Camilla is the patron of this great charity. So she organised, like, drinks and a concert and dinner in her home to, you know, thank the corporate sponsors and to get more people to donate money, raise a bit of money, raise awareness, that sort of thing. In her home, though, she put on this event. So we’re all in her front room. Literally Charles and Camilla’s front room. It’s the most ornate… Like, high, beautiful ceilings and they’ve got a telly and a couch in the corner like normal people might have, but every square inch of mantelpiece and shelf and sideboard has got a beautiful object on it that they’ve been given by visiting dignitaries, or they’ve picked up on their expensive travels of the world. It’s a very intimidating space to be in. So we’re all standing there having a drink and she’s coming round saying hello to everyone. And she gets to me. And because I’m a dick, as I feel we’ve established… …she gets to me and goes, “Oh, how are you involved?” And I went, “Never mind about that. “Have you seen Cash In The Attic? “Cos we’re sitting on a gold mine here.” And to her credit, it’s absolutely true, she went, “Yes,” winked and fucked off. Brilliant. I did another weird Royal thing last year. I did the Jubilee. Did anyone see the Jubilee? – Yeah. – I did a little thing where I had to introduce Grace Jones in a Hula Hoop. Nice work if you can get it. In order to do that, I had to get past security at Buckingham Palace. Here’s what it consisted of. So I met an armed police officer. His only job is to guard our Queen, to make sure that no-one steals our Queen and uses her head to photocopy it and make their own money and stamps. I don’t know. So I walked up to this armed police officer outside Buckingham Place. I said, “Security?” He went, “Yeah.” Here’s his question. He said, “Are you an al-Qaeda?” I went, “No.” “As you were.” I thought, “This guy seems fun.” So I asked him. I said, “Does anything funny ever happen when you’re rolling with the Queen?” He said, “Yeah. I’ll tell you this story. Has to be in confidence though.” I said, “You can trust me.” (LAUGHTER) Ha-ha ha-ha! He is not a good judge of character. I’m also in al-Qaeda. No, I’m not. Or am I? No. (CHUCKLES) But… So… So he told me this story. He said the Queen… her whole entourage, she travels with about 15 people, they went up to Glasgow last year. She was opening a drop-in centre for homeless alcoholics – of course in Glasgow, where else would you fucking put it?! It’s very much ground zero for homeless alcoholics. It’s their biggest export. So the Queen’s there and she’s cutting through the ribbon like a fucking ninja and all the usual suspects are there. There’s the mayor, there’s the local dignitaries, there’s the chairman of the charity, the people that work in the local office. And they’ve got a couple of the homeless guys, the alcoholic homeless guys from Glasgow, that the charity has helped in other locations, suited and booted, washed and brushed, there to meet the Queen, so that she could see the people that had benefited from her kind works. Lovely. So the Queen, as we all know, has only got one bit of shtick, which is the question, what do you do? That’s her only question. She doesn’t point like that – that would be mental. But… that’s her only question – what do you do? That’s all she asks. She said to a Scottish, alcoholic, homeless man… …what do you do? And he came back, rather epically I feel, with, “Same as you – nothing!” Apparently she was fucking terrified. A friend of mine quite recently – a couple of months ago – got proper, old-school, flashed. Guy in a mac, at dusk, in a park – one of those. Sorry, I’ve added that. I don’t… I don’t know if he did that. You would though, wouldn’t you? You’d give it a bit of cock slap. You’d probably treat her to the windmill, wouldn’t you? Hoo yay! Anyway, she got proper old-school flashed and she shouted, “Rape!” I thought, “Don’t give him ideas. “Don’t workshop it, you fucking lunatic.” Has anyone in here been flashed? WOMAN: Yeah. Go on, what happened, madam? Is it a funny story, or is it distressing? I was in a club and this guy flashed me. – In a club? – Yeah. In a club and someone flashed you in the club? Yes. Are you sure you didn’t get off with a man in a club? No. “I was kissing him and I undid his zip and then he flashed me.” Go on, what happened? Tell me the story. It was in the middle of the dance floor. Middle of the dance floor and he was throwing some shapes. And one of his was… No, my friend told him that we were lesbians – to get rid of him. – So, to get rid of the guy, – your friend told him you were lesbians? – Yes. That’s how these two started, but then… they liked it so they stuck with it. And did that work? No, she said, “We don’t like cock.” And then he… She said, “We don’t like cock”? So, sorry? So, someone got his cock out in the middle of the dance floor in a club and you went, “Oh, no, sorry, we’re lesbians.” You could’ve just told him to fuck off. You’re incredibly polite. “I’ll make up an excuse so he doesn’t feel bad. I… “I don’t want the flasher to feel rejected.” How nice are you? And has anyone else been flashed? – MAN: Yeah. ANOTHER MAN: I got arrested for flashing. – You got arrested for flashing? – Yeah. Well, don’t take it out on me. (LAUGHTER) What do you mean, you got arrested for flashing? Well, I was going for a piss. You were going for a piss. This sounds like bullshit to me. You were going for a piss. Where were you going for a piss? Set the scene for us. I’ve never met anyone that’s flashed. Go on. Going for a piss in a primary school. – It was in a car park… – (LAUGHTER) – Got in a car park, OK. – Outside. In a car park, outside, you’re going for a piss. Caught short. Late at night. – Fine. OK. – Yeah. And, er, I needed a piss. So I went up against a tree. – You went up against a tree. – Yeah. Turned out it wasn’t a tree, it was a fat girl? Go on. So you walked up to a tree to take a pee in a car park. This doesn’t sound terrible. So far, I’m on this guy’s side. Go on. So there was a woman in the trees. There was a woman in the trees? Sounds like you’ve broken dogging etiquette by pissing on someone. So you went up to take a piss on a tree and there was a woman in the tree? No, she was walking. There was a pathway. – She was walking. OK. – And it was outside a police station. And it was outside a police station. What kind of a fucking idiot are you?! You went for a piss in the police station car park? Why didn’t you just turn yourself in? That’s a cry for help if ever I heard one. “Lock me up before I hurt someone.” And what… Did she scream? Did she…? – What happened? – No, she went into the police station and they came out and arrested me for indecent exposure. They came out and arrested you for indecent… Is it because you’re a bit ginger? Do you think they would have let you off if you hadn’t been quite as…? I’m sorry about these lights as well. We could well be giving you skin cancer. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I don’t… I think I’m on your side there. If you were taking a piss, that’s not indecent exposure, is it? What do we think? Are we on this guy’s side? ALL: Yeah. There’s one man, “No.” Stop pissing outside, you crazy fool. But… Cos there was a woman in the other night with a story. She said, “Oh, I got flashed.” And then she told me this story and I wasn’t sure. She said, “I got flashed.” I said, “Has anyone got flashed?” She said, “I got flashed in Disneyland.” I said, “I’m all ears.” (APPLAUSE) She said, “I was in Disneyland Florida. “I was walking in past the hotels in Disneyland and into the park. “And I looked up at one of the hotels “and the guy was opening his bedroom curtains, flashed me.” I said, “No, he didn’t. You are a Peeping Tom.” My girlfriend wants a diamond ring. And the only reason I know that is it’s pretty much all she fucking talks about. Let’s face facts. The only way my girlfriend’s getting a diamond ring is if the vajazzler slips. I don’t really understand the vajazzle. I mean, I know what a vajazzle is. I know what it is. They whip away all the hair from your fou fou and then they diamanté it. I say “they”. I imagine you can get some Pritt Stick and glitter and have a crack yourself. Have a sparkly crack yourself, you’re welcome. Um… I just don’t know who that’s for. I’ve never met a man who said to me, “Oh, I love vaginas… “…but I wish they were a bit more zhooshie. “A bit more sparkles wouldn’t go amiss. I want a glamour puss. “A showbiz entrance.” Has anyone had a vajazzle? – WOMEN: Yes. – She has. What… What motif did you go for, madam? I actually had a heart cos I was a little bit embarrassed to ask for one. You had a heart because you were embarrassed to ask for…? – Like, something spectacular. – You were embarrassed to ask for something spectacular?! So, you were fine with someone putting glitter on your fanny, but you went, “I don’t want to ask for anything embarrassing.” How adorable. And was it for a special occasion, or was it just…? – No, I just thought, “Why not?” – You thought, “Why not?” Well, plenty of fucking reasons. Basic hygiene. Your boyfriend could chip a tooth. Ha-ha-ha! And it was definitely a proper vajazzle, not a Liverpool vajazzle, which is just a euphemism for herpes? (GROANS AND LAUGHTER) Ha-ha-ha! Has anyone else come across a vajazzle? – MAN: He has. He has? Not hers, I hope. – Go on, what did they have? – Um, I can’t remember. I was my stag do. You can’t remember, it was your stag do? (GROANING) Ooh-ooh… You can’t remember anything? Sounds like a Liverpool vajazzle to me. “No, love, I don’t know what happened. It’s just really itchy.” Fucking hell! Obviously I could never get a vajazzle because I don’t have a vajayjay. But I would consider glitter balls. You know, for a special occasion. Oh, speaking of special occasions, there was a couple in, a couple of weeks ago at one of my gigs, 35 years married. I got chatting cos I thought, “Quite an incredible thing in this day and age.” I got chatting. I said, “What did you get her for the anniversary?” And he said, “Deep-fat fryer.” I said, “Well, what did she get you?” And he went, “Chips.” And they seemed thrilled with that arrangement. It got me chatting to people about what is the worst gift you’ve ever got? Birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentine’s – what is the worst piece of shit you ever got? (INDISTINCT RESPONSES) Ahem, we’ve had a heckle. Go on, what was that, sir? A little bit louder. MAN: Tickets to this show. AUDIENCE: Ooh! No, that’s fine. What’s your name? – What? Sorry? – MAN: Toby. Toby, do you mind me sharing with the group? – TOBY: Go for it. – Thank you very much indeed, Toby. That makes it much easier cos there’s a heckle. It was quite a good heckle, quite a funny heckle, but we have to do a heckle put-down now. God. I would love if I could just let it go, but I can’t. There are rules. But you don’t mind me sharing with the group so it makes it much easier. We can go old-school. – ANOTHER MAN: Stop stalling. – What? Sorry? – Stop stalling. – Stop stalling? Don’t panic, sir. I’ve got this. I’ll have to put you on arsehole waiting. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha. Toby’s mum… …is so fat… she’s a fucking disgrace, Toby. Your mum is such a chunm-monkey-wobble-slob, fatty, boom-blatty, blubbernaut, she’s so fucking fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders had finished. Boom, boom, boom-boom, boom, ba-ba-ba-bum. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) True story. Ahem… You, sir. What did you say? What was it? Stop stalling? Yeah? What’s your name? (AMERICAN ACCENT) Gary. Are you trying to say Gary? Watch me. Ga-ry. Ngyergh. Ngyergh. Ngyergh. …the fuck is that?! Well, Gary, if you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. (GASPING) Uh-huh! Ha, ha-ha! Worst gifts? What’s the worst gift? – What, sorry? – WOMAN: A breadmaker. You got a breadmaker? I’ve.. Your husband bought you a breadmaker. What a fucking arsehole! No, I just hate the whole concept cos breadmakers… I bet he spent like 200 quid on a breadmaker. That’s convenient, isn’t it?! Cos you don’t live near shops and bread isn’t fucking cheap(!) Oh, I’ll just make my own. That’s fine. Cos the ingredients cost more than a loaf of bread, but don’t worry about it. So, what did you get him? (SHE RESPONDS, INAUDIBLE) Instead of an engagement ring, you…? (AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS) You got a breadmaker instead of an engagement ring? (GASPS CONTINUE) You broke up with him, right? You’ve just divorced him? – Yay! – (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Why did you go through with marrying him? I mean, that must’ve been fucking awkward in the office. Oh… “Look at this!” “Ooh, it’s a nice one! Sparkly!” You poor thing. Any other bad gifts? – (SEVERAL PEOPLE SHOUT) – You got what, sorry? MAN: A dog pooper-scooper. A dog pooper-scooper? Do you have a dog? MAN: At the time, yes. At the time, yes? What the fuck have you done with your dog, dude? What happened to your dog? – MAN: I don’t have him any more. – You don’t have him any more? (GASPS) Toby’s mum ate him! (APPLAUSE) The fat bitch! (LAUGHS) Sorry, dude! Um… Any other bad gifts? MAN: Nothing! What did you get? Nothing? MAN: I got nothing! Jesus, listen to the bitterness there! I think there are worse gifts than nothing. So, like this, like… Women get bought Hoovers by their other half. And it’s not just a shit gift, it’s a bit of a dig. “At least something in the house has got some fucking suction!” (GASPS) “Well, you said you wanted a bag and a belt! “That’s got both! You’re welcome!” There was a girl in the other day for her 21st birthday. From her nana… Now, nanas are mental anyway, but her nana bought her, gift wrapped, beautifully gift wrapped, an Argos catalogue. With two pound coins Sellotaped to the front. – AUDIENCE: Aw! – “Aw, pikeys!” The worst one I think a lot have – Secret Santa. – You do Secret Santa at your work? – MANY PEOPLE: Yes. It’s a nightmare, to get something good for under a fiver, a tenner. I went out and bought a Braun moustache trimmer. She was livid! No pleasing some people. Not like she didn’t need it. Um… The… (LAUGHS) The best gift is obviously anal sex. Um… Not for a Secret Santa! That’s a fucking disaster! But no, it is! It’s better to give than to receive and anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving, unless it stops giving, in which case, it tears. (GROANING) Ooh, too much? (LAUGHS) The worst one that I think a lot of people have bought – gift vouchers. Who here’s bought gift vouchers? MANY PEOPLE: Yes. What were you thinking? You walked into a shop and went, “Excuse me, could you help me?” “I’ve got some money here, this is accepted everywhere. “Could you fix it for me so it just works in this one shop… “for a limited time period? “I should explain, it’s a gift and I’m fucking idiot!” It’s a great feeling when you get a woman you’ve been chasing for… miles! I’ve known thousands of women in the biblical sense and, by biblical sense, I mean made-up women that don’t really exist. A lot of people just drift into relationships without really thinking about it and we call those people… men. A lot of men say, when they first get together with a woman, they can’t initially tell if it’s “the real thing”, but I can, cos I’ve got a special little indicator that sticks up. Come on in. Sit down. What’s your name, madam? Alexa. – Alexa? – Yeah. What is it, some sort of cystitis? What’s the matter? – What do you do for a living, Alexa? – Um, lots of things. – You do lots of things? – Yeah. (CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLING) Yes, I think I’ve seen a card advertising your services… “Are you new in town?” Go on… (LAUGHS) Don’t let me guess! – So, I’m an aspiring presenter. – You’re an aspiring presenter? – Yeah. – Ooh! Well, I’ll say to you what I say to all aspiring presenters that I meet. I’ll have an Americano, please. (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Oh, I fucking love my job. Um… Gentlemen, do you remember what you were doing the first time you told a woman that you loved her? I do, I was lying. Don’t give me that look. It worked. I fucked her. We went out for a drink the other night, me and my girlfriend, and we chatted about what people actually think about when they’re having sex. Not a conversation I would recommend. She said to me, “What kind of a man fantasises about his partner’s friends “whilst he’s actually having sex with his partner?” And I said… “Promise you won’t get mad?” What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship? Give us a shout. – MAN: Sex. – Sex. How long have you been together with your woman? – MAN: Four years. – Four years? And sex is still the most important thing? Well, you, sir, are a liar. Up to two years, I would give you. Up to two years is fine. Sex is the most important thing, you’re ripping each other’s clothes off, it’s fantastic. After two years, what’s that coming up on the inside? It’s coming up pretty fast. Sky Plus! Any other thoughts? Most important thing in a relationship? – WOMEN: Trust! – Trust. A lot of the ladies saying trust. – Any other? – (MAN SHOUTS) – Cricket? – MAN: Cooking. Cooking? Cooking’s the most important thing? Are you the guy from Quantum Leap and have you just got here from 1970? Cooking’s the most important thing in a relationship. Have you ever become engaged by awarding someone a breadmaker by any chance? (LAUGHS) Not the weirdest answer. The weirdest answer I had recently. I said, “What’s the most important thing in a relationship?” And a bloke went… “Consent.” (LAUGHTER) There was a guy up in Edinburgh and I said, “Most important thing in a relationship?” He went… (SCOTS ACCENT) “Me!” The terrified-looking woman next to him going… – Any other thoughts? – MAN: Lubricant! Lubricant? Well, if you run out… (SPITS) Any other? MAN: A puncture repair kit. – What, sorry? – MAN: A puncture repair kit. A puncture repair kit? (LAUGHTER) That’s funny, I like that. I think it deserved more. Come on. – Um, any other? – WOMAN: Love. What, sorry? – WOMAN: Love. – Love? Grow up! Who are you in a relationship with? Your My Little Pony? (LAUGHS) Any other thoughts? The most important thing? – WOMAN: Laughter! – Laughter? I don’t know about that. I do think a sense of humour is what I look for in a woman, cos if a woman can see the funny side of life, she’s much less likely to press charges. (LAUGHS) The most important thing, I think trust. For me, I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship, because, if you’re with a woman, and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s not going to tell your wife? I do love it when a woman says those magic words that mean she’s definitely up for sex that night. “This drink tastes funny.” I’m joking! You can’t taste it! I’m not a prude. You’d agree with that, wouldn’t you? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – I’m not prudish. Here’s the thing! I don’t like swearing during sex. Who wants to hear that kind of language, especially from a child?! (SHOCKED GASPS) Ooh, the look you gave me there! You prefer a sweay kid! Fair enough! I had a thing happened to me recently. A little bit embarrassing. I got caught… I didn’t think this could happen when you’re a grown-up. I got caught masturbating… by my girlfriend. What do you say?! “Sorry I woke you!” “You’ve got sleep in your eye.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like celebrities that are only famous because of who their parents are. Like Calum Best and Peaches Geldof and Jesus! I heard a reporter on Sky News say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.” Yeah, obviously! That is the bare minimum you need to qualify. It was something about burning your copy of the Koran in Afghanistan and I was watching it thinking, “I would never burn a copy of the Koran, “because I’ve got a Kindle.” “Just delete it. Don’t fuck about.” I’m not worried about Islamic suicide bombers. They can only do it once. A Hindu suicide bomber, that is more of a threat. (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Because of the reincarnation. (LAUGHS) “I don’t know what’s going on!” I was gonna talk to you about terrorist threat levels in this country, cos our government picked the weirdest words for our terrorist threat levels. You know sometimes they announce them at the end of the news? The weather, the pollen count and then the terrorist threat level, for no reason at all. And it’s words that I don’t understand. So, at the moment, the terrorist threat level in this country is “substantial”. I asked a police officer, “What am I meant to do with substantial?” He said… “Watch yourself.” I said, “Well, I’m not involved!” Do you know what the highest terrorist threat level is? How’s this for a creepy word? “Imminent.” What the fuck am I meant to do with “imminent”?! I imagine clench. I mean, I’ve never been near a bomb when it’s gone off, but I imagine that – take the edge off, wouldn’t it? And we all know that isn’t the highest terrorist threat level. The highest terrorist threat level, as we all know, is “I don’t care if this does look racist, I’m getting off the bus.” “That is a massive rucksack and he doesn’t need to be saying his prayers out loud. “I’m fucking doing one.” (APPLAUSE) Where middle-class guilt is overtaken by fear, you know you’re in trouble. Of course, with these jokes, I could face the wrath of Islam. Which I’ve always thought sounds like a shit pub. “Where are we going?” “Wrath of Islam.” “Oh, for fuck’s sake! “There’s no booze, there’s no fruit machine! “There’s no pork scratchings!” “Yeah, but women can get stoned.” (GROANING) Sometimes, doing this job, you feel very exposed. Not when I’m doing jokes, but when I’m doing an observational bit of comedy. You feel like, if no-one can relate to this, I’m gonna feel a fool. So, share with me if you’ve had a similar experience. It’s always embarrassing when you get an erection during a prostate exam. And they realise! “Hang on, you’re not a real doctor.” Hey, joke’s on her, she hasn’t even got a prostate. Have we got any teenage girls in? Give us a shout, any teenage girls? – (WHOOPING) – I’m sorry. I realise that is a creepy question! Teenage girls, the reason I ask, I read a thing recently that said that 90% of teenage girls are sexually active. Bullshit! A lot of them just lie there! “I’m frightened! You’re not my real dad!” (LAUGHTER) I often get asked by young guys, young men after the show often ask me, “Can you laugh a woman into bed?” And the short answer? Yes. Obviously, she’s too young for you if you have to say “peek-a-boo”, but, yeah. You can laugh a woman into bed. The tough bit comes 20 minutes later, when you’re trying to laugh her into a taxi home. I don’t want to make a big deal of this, but I recently adopted a newborn African child. He was just seven pounds, plus postage and packing. That’s how they get you. If only they’d put holes in that box. (GROANING) And that is the joke, interestingly, that Richard Curtis said was a bit much for the Comic Relief gig. Have you all been on that first foreign holiday abroad? The first foreign holiday you went on without your parents? Everyone been on that holiday? MANY PEOPLE: Yes! Has anyone not been on that holiday yet? – SEVERAL PEOPLE: Yes. – Oh, quite a few of you? You’ve got a lot to look forward to. It’s an amazing trip. It tends to be all the guys go away together, all the girls go away together, somewhere hot in Europe that’s cheap that year. We went away, five of us, that went all the way through school together, we just got our A-level results, went away for two weeks in Faliraki. It was awesome! Sun, sea, sex and sand – that’s what we were looking for, that’s what we found. It was an amazing, life-affirming, wonderful holiday. Well, in those two weeks, I had sex with 12 different people. I’m not bragging. I was gang raped. Still, I didn’t let it spoil my trip. If there’s a fight, I let my fists do the talking. (SOFT VOICE) “Please don’t hurt me.” I went to a fairly posh, single-sex school, but I never really fitted in. I think it’s partly because I’m male. Partly because I was 35 when they caught me. (LAUGHS) My granddad always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room, which is ultimately what led to him losing his Disability Living Allowance. I was up in north London, I saw a guy in the high street with a guide dog and a white stick and I went up to him, I went, “You must be blind.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I said, “There’s a tree over there.” “Don’t be a dick about it.” You never forget your first, especially if they’ve got an unusual name. Akela? There’s something I don’t understand about a woman’s G-spot. I can’t quite put my finger on it. – I can drive a woman… – (LOUD LAUGHTER) Well done! That’s hit home there, has it? Touched a nerve, so to speak? How very apt. I can drive a woman wild with my tongue. Would you like me to demonstrate? – SOME PEOPLE: Yes. – OK, pay attention. All the action is happening here, young man. Drive a woman wild with your tongue. “Have you put on weight?” That easy. Anal sex is overrated – it’s fucking shit. And it hurts like buggery! I tried it with my girlfriend. She was bored to tears! (SEVERAL WAVES OF LAUGHTER) Has everyone that’s gonna get it got it? Let’s move along. We’ve been together now for 12 years, me and my girlfriend, so to keep things fresh in the bedroom, we do a little bit of role-play. She pretends to be a nurse and I pretend I’m still attracted to her. (LAUGHTER) That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people who thought that was funny, and then there are unattractive women. Some girls like to have the lights off for sex to happen. They like all the lights to be out before they have sex. And they’ve got a name. They’re called fugly munters. I’ve never had a complaint about that joke. I’ve never had a woman come up after the show and go, “Excuse me, I’m a fugly munter. “How do you think I feel?” Hungry? Are there couples in? Give us a shout. (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) I’ve got a theory about sex in long-term relationships. So, the received wisdom is it’s men that instigate sex within a long-term relationship. It’s the man that says, “Shall we go upstairs for a bit of slap and tickle, “bit of how’s-your-father, “bit of sticky belly?” Whatever you call it in your houses. But it’s the man that asks. I think that is misogynistic bullshit. That’s like saying the man’s got the sex drive and the woman is just passive. I reckon it’s about 50-50 in most relationships. The reason you don’t notice when women asks for sex is because when women ask for sex, it happens. We’ve got the expression “getting lucky” because we’re rolling the dice, ladies. If your woman says to you, “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yep.” It doesn’t matter what else is going on. You could be full of flu, you could have just received devastating news, you could have just been shot in the leg… by her. “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yes, I do.” But sometimes, gentlemen… You’ll know this. Sometimes in a long-term relationship, you’ll suggest becoming amorous with your partner, you’ll suggest having sex, and she’ll say, “No!” And then she will give you some kind of mercurial strange reason as to why sex could not occur at that moment in time. And you would like to respond. You’d like to argue back, but you can’t think of anything because you can’t think at all because all the blood is somewhere else. So I thought, “Why don’t we take advantage of the situation we find ourselves in? “Why don’t we workshop it?” What reasons have you heard, gentleman, not to have sex? And we’ll come up with a response. What have you heard? – MAN: Headache. – Headache? – MAN: Tired. – Tired. Let’s deal with those in order. Headache. Easy. If a woman says, “Look, I’ve got a headache,” just say, “I’m going to be right at the other end. “I could not be further away from that problem. “Also, I’m going to fuck you. We’re not doing sudoku. “You’re not going to need your wits about you.” Tired… Tired is like the modern equivalent of headache. And I think genuinely if a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’m tired,” what you’ve got to do, you’ve got to listen, obviously. You’ve got to acknowledge. It’s not enough just to listen. She’s got to know that you’ve heard. And then make a suggestion. That’s my advice, anyway. Don’t demand anything from a woman. Make a suggestion. So if a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’m tired,” I’d say, “Of course you’re tired, I hear you. “You’ve got the kids, you’ve got the house, you’ve got work. “You must be exhausted. “So why don’t you, and it’s just a suggestion, “but why don’t you… “do what you normally do and just fucking lie there?” (LAUGHTER) “You lazy fucking cow.” – Any other excuses for not… – MAN: Pregnant! – MAN 2: Too young! – Pregnant? She’s too young. (LAUGHTER) This is a long-term relationship you’re in, right? She says, “I really can’t have sex with you, I’m too young.” Yeah. – And what was that one? – MAN: Pregnant. Are you trying to nudge her towards a three-way? (AUDIENCE GASPS) Is that bad? Clearly, yes. MAN: She’s dead! (LAUGHTER) I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’ve got a pirate in the house. (GRUFFLY) Hoist the mainsail! She’s dead. She’s dead? And yet you’re still hearing a voice saying, “No.” That isn’t her, that’s your conscience, you monster! – Any other excuses for not having sex? – (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) Your cock’s too big? Try fucking a grown-up! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Any other… (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) MAN: She’s on the blob! Sorry, sir, can you just repeat what you said there? MAN: She’s on the blob! She’s on the blob. (LAUGHTER) How nicely put, sir(!) I think… I think a lesser man might have said, “menstruation,” or “her time of the month” or maybe “period”. Even “Arsenal are playing at home.” Or “She has the red devil in her belly.” “Up on bricks.” But you went with the much more genteel… (COCKNEY ACCENT) “On the blob! “She’s on the blob, ain’t she?” I think, in all seriousness, if a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got my period,” I would say, “Well, your arse isn’t bleeding, is it? “Yet. “Yet… “Give me a moment to work my magic.” The best one I heard recently, someone said… A very nice gig in Cambridge… “Are there any reasons for not having sex within a long-term relationship “that you’ve heard from a woman?” And a woman went, “Morning fanny.” I said, “What?” She said, “Morning fanny.” I went, “Yeah, I heard you. “I don’t know what that is. What’s morning fanny?” And she said, “Do you know morning breath? “It’s that downstairs.” (AUDIENCE GROANS) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Morning fanny. Who knew? (LAUGHS) I’m telling these rather bawdy jokes, but I’m actually quite a sensitive kind of guy, quite metrosexual. I remember the first time I got together with my girlfriend, 12 years ago now, the first time we had sex, the first time we hooked up, I cried. I don’t know whether it was the physical act or the emotion of it or the pepper spray, but I teared up. (LAUGHS) People do weird shit sexually. Shall we talk about some of the weird shit people do? AUDIENCE: Yes! Gerontophiles. If you’re not familiar with the term, gerontophiles are people that find the very elderly sexually attractive. I know. Bit of a mouthful, isn’t it? Gerontophile. I prefer to call them OAPaedos. They like a bit of granny fanny. Where’s the harm? 50 Shades Of Grey – a very different thing for them. Years ago, this woman introduced handcuffs into our sexual relationship… when she called the police. I said, “I’ll come quietly.” If you strangle yourself during sex, it’s called autoerotic asphixiation. If you do it to someone else, it’s called a serious sexual assault. My bad. A fluffy. Do you know what a fluffy is? A fluffy is when you’re having sex with a woman and… Sorry, scratch that. Not when you’re having sex with a woman. When you are making love to a lady. And as you make love to that beautiful lady, a fluffy is when she farts on your balls. Couple of things, couple of quick things. Firstly, really? That’s happening enough that we needed a special term for that? And secondly… how do you ask for that? Not that I would want that to happen, but… when you find out that’s your thing, how do you ask for it to happen? Because presumably no-one asked for that the first time it happened. That was a happy accident. He was working away and one slipped out. And he thought, “That’s not an unpleasant sensation.” But then it’s very difficult to ask for that to happen again. It’s very difficult to come across as Mr Darcy, the king of romance, when saying to the woman in your life, “Would you mind, later on, when we make love, “farting on my balls?” Much easier… take her out for Indian food and hope for the best. Has anyone in here ever walked in on people having sex? – MAN: Yes. – What did you walk in on, sir? – My parents. – Your parents? (AUDIENCE GASPS) What kind of… What kind of special hug was Mummy doing with Daddy? What did you actually see when you walked in? MAN: Awful things. – (LAUGHTER) – What was your dad up to? His balls, presumably, but… Did you… Did you get an eyeful? Sorry, obviously not like that. That would be awful! You’d have to think that was premeditated… if you walked in and he was, “This is going to be brilliant.” You saw your parents? I presume you followed the classic etiquette of walking in on people having sex, which is, you walk in, I see, off. And in your case, straight to therapy. Has anyone else walked in on people having sex? – MAN: Yes. – Go on, what did you walk in on, sir? My daughter. (AUDIENCE GASPS) I don’t know why that’s bad, but it’s so much worse. Because if it was your son, I think we would all go, “Yeah, go on, son. Go on, my son.” But with your daughter, you can’t walk in and… “Go on, love! “Oh, you look like you’re fucking loving that. “There’s my little girl.” I mean, hopefully, it was a guy you approved of. Was it a guy you approved of? MAN: He’s sitting next to me. (LAUGHTER) He’s sitting next to you? (APPLAUSE) I hope you obeyed the etiquette. You walk in, you walk out straightaway. There are certain things people do sexually, though, that that could not be your response. Are we all familiar with the rusty trombone? It’s a sexual practice whereby a lady is kissing a guy’s arse. I don’t mean that metaphorically. I mean that in a far more literal and rimmy type sense. As that’s going on, she’s also administering a hand job. So there’s this movement and the pursed lips. Well, you can see how they got to “rusty trombone”. I’ve got no problem with the name, per se. My question is, if you walked in on people doing that, what would your response be? (LAUGHTER) Are you sure?! Got a question for the ladies. All women I know have got a very clear line. On one side of the line, things they’re happy, confident, comfortable and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner. On the other side of the line, things they’ve been asked to do but they’ve said, “No.” What I would like to know, ladies, is what have you been asked to do that you’ve said, “No”? I don’t mean reverse-park or wash up. Where do you draw the line is really what I’m asking. What have you been asked to do that you’ve said, “No”? You look confused. Did you not realise you could turn shit down? Know what I mean? You’re just hearing now. – WOMAN: Anal! – You draw the line at anal? – What, sorry? – WOMAN: Yeah, totally. “Yeah, totally.” But on his birthday, yeah? Man up, lady. That’s where you draw the line? OK, any advance on that? Any other weirder things? WOMAN: Threesomes! A threesome? What kind of threesome was it, madam? Was it two guys and you, or a proper one? Go on, what kind of threesome was it? WOMAN: Two women. Two women. I think, see… I think on the surface that sounds misogynistic, doesn’t it? He’s gone, “I need two women to satisfy me cos I’m such a man.” I don’t think that’s what it’s about. I think he was thinking of you. He was thinking, “Wouldn’t it be lovely if, after lovemaking, “she had someone to talk to?” Thinking of you. He loves you. Any others? Any advance on this? (MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) Egging? What, sorry? MAN: Pegging! (LAUGHTER) I’m not sure if I’m mishearing or you can’t talk. It’s tough. Go on, what are you saying? – MAN: Pegging. – Pegging? Pegging. What the fuck is pegging? Isn’t that just running? What’s pegging? MAN: It’s where she gets a dildo on and does you up the arse. Do you mean foreplay? (LAUGHS) And she wouldn’t do that, sir? What a prude! (LAUGHS) Any… WOMAN: Blumpkin. Blumpkee? What’s a blumpkee? It’s when you give a guy a blow job while he’s having a shit. (AUDIENCE GASPS AND SHRIEKS) I think… If I’m not mistaken, she just said, “It’s when you give a guy a blow job “while he’s having a shit.” I mean, I’m sorry, madam, a guy asked you to do that? You know what, though? I admire that guy! Because that’s what made this country great. That’s what made… civilisation great. Daring to dream. There’s an optimistic man. “Oh, I’m having a shit. I’ve had loads of shits. Pretty boring. “What about… “This whole area is free. “It’s all going on back here.” At what point in the relationship did he ask for that? – The end. – The end! (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Not a bad way to end a relationship. Things aren’t going well, you’re not getting on. “I’ll see if she’ll suck me off while I’m having a shit.” Cos if she says yes, I think she loves you. Any other weirdness? The reason I’ve asked that question a few times now is because it’s my favourite bit of the show. Because I know that there are women out there who are currently having pressure applied to their legs… by the men in their lives. There are men out there going, “I just wanted to fucking try it. Shut up.” (LAUGHS) The weirdest one I heard about recently from an audience member was a Simba. Have you heard of a Simba? (SMOTHERING OF APPLAUSE) You know a Simba? A Simba is… It’s from The Lion King, I believe. It’s when you’re with a beautiful lady, you’re making sweet love to her, and you finish on her chest. Fine. Little bit disrespectful, some might think, but fine. And you take… Simba. Bringing a little Disney magic to the bedroom. I’m not sure my girlfriend would appreciate a Simba. But I think… I think I could just do it on my own. I think the next time… I think the next time I’m at home and I’ve got broadband and a bit of time to myself, I think I might try and finish there. Simba. I’ve got a tip for the ladies. Or, if you like, I could put the whole thing in. (LAUGHTER) Just a short one. Do you want to know the secret to the perfect hand job? Use your mouth. (LAUGHS) I left my last girlfriend cos she got really fat. “I’m pregnant.” There’s always an excuse. Breast-feeding in public. Does that annoy anyone else? AUDIENCE: Yes. Annoys me. The baby’s head gets in the way. Can’t see a fucking thing, can you? No, no-one likes having their parenting technique criticised. But would you agree that seven is too old to be in a pram. Would you agree with that? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – Yeah. Would you have said anything? Cos I said as much. “It’s a wheelchair.” “Is it?” (LAUGHTER) Who’s got kids? Give us a shout. – (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) – Who hasn’t got kids? (AUDIENCE SHOUTS MORE LOUDLY) We sound happier. Which is weird, because we’re not trying to get anyone to join our gang. People with kids never stop going on about it, especially when you’re my age. People with kids… (WHISPERS EERILY) “Join us. Join us. “We’re so happy.” You don’t look happy, you look tired. (WHISPERS) “Join us. “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” Medical professionals! I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to have 12 hours’ sleep. I’m not even tired. Of course, the pill revolutionised the way that women control their bodies. Before its invention, our poor nanas had to take it up the wrong ‘un. Or face falling down the stairs… in a hot bath drunk on gin with a coat hanger chaser. (GROANS) My best friend’s wife is having a baby. And I asked him, I said, “What do you want, a boy or a girl?” And he thought about it. He said, “I wanted a blow job.” Really mournful. I like getting a blow job off the missus. I don’t know if you get this. I don’t know if you get a blow job om my missus, but… The thing I like about oral sex with my partner… I think the thing most men enjoy about oral sex with their partner is not anything sexual, ladies. It’s the peace and quiet. Ladies, if you’ve ever been going down on my guy and he’s gone, “Oh, oh!” that’s not your technique, that’s not the sound of his sexual ecstasy. That is the sound of a man not being asked a question. I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids, but if I had kids, I think I would have them adopted. (LAUGHTER) People criticised Madonna, but the kids she adopted, Fairtrade. (LAUGHS) Have we got any dads in? Give us a shout, all the dads. (MEN SHOUT) Did you cry at the birth of your first child? – (A FEW SHOUT) – Very few of you admitting it. A lot of guys are embarrassed by the fact they cried at the birth of their first child. I think it’s cos they don’t quite know why they cry. There’s different theories. Some people think it’s the biological bond with the child that you meet for the first time. That can’t be it. You’re only meeting it for the first time. Not like the mother that’s been carying it inside her. That’s more of a biological thing. With the guy, hmm, no. Some people think men cry at the birth of their first child because of the gift that’s been bestowed on them by the woman in their life. That would make them tear up. No. I think the real reason most men cry at the birth of their first child is because they see what the little shit’s done to the missus. “Oh, no! “Now she’s got a vaganus.” (APPLAUSE) Um… If my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral, she would be spinning in her ditch. When I was a kid, I didn’t want to imagine my parents having sex, so I’d watch them from the wardrobe. Can closet gay agoraphobics ever come out? How can you possibly explain the concept of death to a young child? Well, you need a hammer and a hamster. He’s not gone to live on a farm, has he? He’s all over the fucking shop. It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm. But apparently I ruined that funeral. I remember in the playground, “My dad’s harder than your dad.” It’s not really the issue. The issue is, both our dads have erections in a playground. Researchers have created a contraceptive pill that deactivates sperm before it reaches the womb. My girlfriend has got something similar called stomach acid. 10% of women have cried in a shop changing room. I guess they weren’t expecting to see me there. Here’s an interesting fact. The reason morris dancers wear bells is so blind people know they’re cunts, too. They say, “A problem shared is a problem halved.” Didn’t really work with AIDS, did it? Do you know you can get AIDS from a toilet seat? But only if you sit down before the last guy’s got up. My girlfriend asked me recently, “What’s happened to your sex drive?” I said, “I burned it and smashed it with a hammer. “I was worried the police were going to get hold of it.” Humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure. But a dog will do it for a biscuit. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Look. If you suffocate in a “bag for life”… (LAUGHTER) …you’d be fucking livid, wouldn’t you? The irony’d kill you. I recently read Great Expectations, and it wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be. I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation. – Would you like to see it? – AUDIENCE: Yes! I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret. You know those human statues you get in the middle of town? You know the ones? Painted silver and gold, stand stock-still? And if you give them 50p when you walk past, they move their hand, like, a fraction. Actually works out cheaper if you’re going to get past them every day just to buy a Taser. I had a thing happen in the high street the other day. You know the charity muggers? You know the ones with the clipboard and the optimism in the high street? I dodged two of the cunts and the third one got me with what I considered to be an unfair tactic. The backwards walk ‘n’ talk. So I hadn’t stopped, I hadn’t made eye contact, and she told me her sad story as she trotted along backwards. And the wording was just perfect for me. She said, “Do you know how often – “people die from AIDS?” – I said, “I’m not an expert, “but I’m guessing just the once.” I saw an extraordinay anti-AIDS thing recently. I was in Johannesburg last year doing some gigs. And I saw in Johannesburg this charity had printed a leaflet with everything you needed to know about HIV and AIDS, cos there’s a lot of myths about AIDS in South Africa. So they printed out this leaflet and, cos they raised more money than they needed, they decided to attach a condom to every leaflet. Good idea. So they stapled a condom… Genuinely true. The Everest of fuck-wittey. It’s weird… Are there any South Africans in? (A FEW SHOUTS) There’s quite a few. It’s weird, the linguistic differences you notice when you travel. Like, in this country when you say, “I’m not racist,” what you tend to mean is, “I’m not a racist.” In South Africa… when someone says, (SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) “I am not a racist,” it means, they’re about to say something fucking racist! Is this racist? Do Chinese people have Guess Who? (LAUGHTER) I tried that joke for the first time in a tiny little 50-seater theatre above a pub and there was a Chinese lady, front and centre, and she laughed enough that she sort of bent forward and it looked like I’d gone, “No.” It’s freaky. Genuinely weird. I like to think… I like to think of myself as an equal-opportunities offender. I like to think I offend everyone, and therefore no-one. Cos it’s like a blanket-bombing approach to offence. I’m not picking on any group and also I’m not really making any points, am I? I’m just trying to make you laugh for a couple of hours. That’s my only job in this world. I’m not trying to make any points or change anyone’s mind about anything. And the best defence of a joke is always, “It’s just a joke. I was only joking. “Relax. I was just trying to make you giggle.” When you try and say something that’s true, earnestly from the heart, that’s when it can fuck up much more spectacularly in your face. I’ve got a story about this. Do you want to hear it? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – It’s a story about PC blowing up in a friend’s face. So, this mate of mine… It’s quite a long story, which is unusual for me, but it’s a doozy. You’ll enjoy it. This mate of mine runs a comedy club out of university. He’s in his mid-60s now. He’s been running it since the early ’80s. It’s a legenday club. Anyway, he runs this thing. He’s quite a right-on kind of guy. If there’s a petition to sign, he’s signing it and forwarding the e-mail to me. If there’s a march to go on, he’s on the march. Very right on, political, involved kind of guy. Anyway, he runs this comedy club. This incident happened about 12 years ago. He decided to put on a night of American stand-up comedy. There happened to be three American stand-ups in London the same weekend. OK? So he decided, “Instead of just booking one, I’ll book all three of them, “make it like a themed evening, like the Fourth of July. “We’ll get hot dogs and Budweiser and what have you. “It’ll be fun.” So, everyone comes to the evening. There’s 300 people in the club and he’s all excited about it. The first act goes up on stage. He’s a black American stand-up out of New York City and he does what I would refer to as an Uncle Tom routine. If you’re not familiar with the terminology, that means he did a racist routine. All his jokes were based on negative racist stereotypes. He got away with it. He was a very charismatic performer, he was very handsome, but the material was… It was terrible. I mean, at best, it was… White guys drive like this and black guys drive like this. Nonsense. Ill-observed nonsense. At worst, it was stuff that would make your skin crawl, OK? He totally got away with it that night. He got a big round of applause at the end of a half-an-hour set. And he walked back to the green room at the club and my mate went in after him. And he went up to him and he said, “I want a word. “You’ll get paid for tonight’s gig, there’s no problem with that. “But you would not be welcome back at my club telling those kind ofjokes. “I think it’s racist, I think it’s wrong. “I don’t think it’s OK for you to tell racist jokes “just because you’re a black guy. I think, if anything, you should know better. “I think it denigrates the struggle of the African-American people, “and you can never say that no-one’s told you so cos I’m telling you so right now. “It’s racist and it’s wrong.” And the comedian went… …”I agree. “When you’re right, you’re right. “But I’m the other black comic. “I haven’t been on yet.” I’ve been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much for coming out. Cheers. Appreciate it. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Ta-da! Thanks very much. Cheers. Thanks for coming out. Couple of quick things. Sometimes if I buy a girl a drink after the show, she gets the wrong idea. She thinks I’m just a nice guy buying her a drink. No, no, no. Who’s going out after this? Who’s going out tonight? (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) Loads of you. Well, I’ve got nothing but admiration. I mean, well done, but I can’t wait to get home to bed. I’ve had a lovely night, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you but I want to get to sleep now. I’ve got to an age where I talk about sleep like I used to talk about sex. You should have seen me last night. I was at it for eight hours. Eiderdown sheets, blackout blinds, the fucking lot! This morning, the snooze button did not know what fucking hit it. Well, let’s break out some rough stuff. It’s that time of the evening. Tell you a couple of jokes that Channel 4 told me were not acceptable. (CHEERING) It was the week of the tsunami. Remember the tsunami? All I wanted to say was the tsunami was terrible. Tokyo was covered in raw fish and seaweed, a situation the mayor described as “delicious”. Could have been worse. I could’ve said “dericious”. But I didn’t because that would have been razy lacism. I had a similar thing with Hurricane Sandy. Remember Hurricane Sandy that devastated the eastern seaboard of America? All I wanted to say was it was the worst thing to hit New York since those two planes. Possibly they got it right on that one. I tend to get into trouble with the papers for a joke once a year. Obviously last year I went rogue. But I tend to get in trouble for a joke with a journalist once a year. Last year the joke that got me into trouble with a journalist was this one. You probably remember it from the last show. Why are they called Sunshine Variety Coaches when all the kids on board look the same? Now, the word “variety” is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that joke. Right? It’s not that bad. The journalist in question said, “You can’t say that about retarded children.” (AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS) Time out. Cos Variety, the children’s charity, they do great work, they do a lot of stuff with mentally disadvantaged children. But they also do a lot of stuff with physically disadvantaged children and socially disadvantaged children. You can’t lump all those kids together and go, “Bunch of retarded kids.” You can’t call anyone “retarded kids”. You’re a journalist, you should know better. And also, being offended on behalf of someone else in my mind is literally fuck-all. That’s just you taking the high moral ground. For you to be offended, I think, minimum, you have to be the one that’s offended. So, if you’re genuinely offended by that last joke, you’re retarded. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) While we’re talking about charitable stuff, as you leave this evening there’s going to be a bucket collection. There’s people with buckets and tins and I’ll just briefly tell you what it’s about. We’re collecting money this evening for abused children, and if we raise between us just £500, we can buy their silence. That’s clearly a joke, right? The reason I say, “That’s clearly a joke,” is because I did a gig in Croydon a couple of months ago and a woman genuinely came up to me after the show and went, “Where are those collection tins?” Just unpick that for a second. So not only did she not realise that was a joke, she wanted to help! Is anyone totally unoffended by anything I’ve said? (A FEW SHOUT OUT) You’re totally unoffended by anything. What’s your name, sir? – Hamdi. – Hamdi. Unusual name. You don’t hear that every day. Well, I imagine you do. It’s your fucking name. – What do you do, Hamdi? – Student. – You’re a student. What are you studying? – Economics. – Economics. Whereabouts? – Royal Holloway. Royal Holloway. Maybe if you’d worked a little bit harder for your A-levels… I’m just saying, Royal Holloway is not… I mean, come on, there are universities that have always been universities, there are universities that used to be polytechnics that then became universities and then there’s Royal Holloway, which I think used to be a 24-hour garage. Then they got a delivery of books and they fucking went with it, God love you. Right, let me try and offend you. Um, all right, when I was at school, a mate of mine got caught wanking in the showers. Nothing? Well, it ruined the school trip to Auschwitz. It is not going to get any more offensive than that, dude… to joke about the worst thing that has ever happened. I can’t tell you a more offensive joke than that, but I can tell you a story about me that will change your mind about me and then change it right back. Do you want hear it? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – OK. It concerns… It’s basically telling you about what it’s like being famous. What it’s like is, people ask you to do things. And it’s nice to say yes, because normally it’s fun stuff. “Do you want to be on Top Gear?” Yes, I do. “Do you want to do a jubilee?” Yes, I do. “Do you want to come and visit a hospice? It’s palliative care for teenagers.” Yes, I do. I got that call about six years ago. I said, “Yeah, I’ll go.” I didn’t know what some of those words meant. I thought, “It sounds all right. Teenagers. I imagine that’ll be fun.” Now, it transpires “palliative” translates to “dying”. And I found myself in a situation where I went, “Well, I’ve got to go, “I’ve said I’ll go,” and thinking, “This is going to be shit.” Hand on heart, I thought, “This is going to be fucking shit. “But I said I’d go, so I’ll go.” So I went there with very low expectations. I thought, “I’ll be lucky to get through this without tearing up.” I went there. It was genuinely… I couldn’t believe what a fucking arsehole I am. Because it was genuinely inspirational. It was brilliant to go. If you get a chance to visit a hospice, go to a hospice. They’re amazing. Cos… I don’t know what inspires you. I like that idea of carpe diem, living in the moment, now being where happiness is. And if you meet life-limited teenagers, they are having that because they are aware of how precious time is. I think we often forget in our day-to-day lives. It was amazing to go and be around. I’ve been back many times since, and I’d recommend it as a thing to do. It’s really fun. They don’t want to be shut away, they want to be part of society. The thing that blew me away when I went there was an incident. So, if I go out to get coffee before the show, if I go to Starbucks… Obviously, my coffee shop of choice. Similar views. But if I go out to get coffee before the show, if there’s a group of 15-year-old girls in the coffee shop, they’ll be really flirty with me, not because I’m some super-attractive dude, but because I’m a celebrity, and there’s a cachet to celebrity in our society, for better, for worse. There just is. It’s a fact. So I’m used to that kind of flirting in that context. I wasn’t expecting it within the context of palliative care for teenagers in a hospice. There’s a girl in there… She’d just turned 15, pretty little thing, and she’s a massive comedy fan. And she had all the DVDs and seen everything on YouTube, like, really into it. And she was really flirty and really tactile. And I thought… Well, all she wanted was a kiss. And I thought, “Well, where’s the harm? “She’s going to be dead before she can testify.” (AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS) I can see you think that’s bad. But I can make that worse… …with just two words. True story. It is a true story. It just happens to be about a different Jimmy. (APPLAUSE) Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. Cheers. # We hope you enjoyed your stay # It’s good to have you with us # Even if it’s just for the day # We hope you enjoyed your stay # Outside the sun is shining # Seems like heaven ain’t far away # It’s good to have you with us # Even if it’s just for the day. #

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIMMY CARR: BEING FUNNY (2011) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-being-funny-transcript/

Recorded live at the Birmingham’s Symphony Hall Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Altogether now. 5,4,3,2,1 Ladies and gentlemen. Please give it up for Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s not fuck about. Before we get started who has seen me before? Who has never seen me before? You sound happier. I’m not entirely sure this is working. According to Ofcom… The people that make guidelines for television. According to Ofcom, the most offensive words on TV are the F word and C word, but I’m live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the fuck I like. And those cunts can’t do anything about it. I got trouble getting up tonight, Had to organize a baby sitter. I don’t have children. I found out, they are cheaper than escorts. She is 17, there is nothing she won’t do for 50 pounds. It’s sort of half a joke, That isn’t? Cos its quite funny but also true. When I’m away from home I sometime get love sick. Well, They call it chlamydia. I spend a lot of my time away from home, cause this is my job. I travel around the country telling jokes to people. I love it. But I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels, because I have to travel. I was in a hotel couple of weeks ago, walked into the hotel room, as I walked in there, just on the TV it said: “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought: “That’s a bit specialist” I’m joking. I was gutted, no Spas porn. I’m sure you’ve all seen this, Birmingham. On trains, they have got seats reserved for elderly, disabled and pregnant people. Begs the question: who is fucking all these old cripples? Have you ever heard something so dumb its almost brilliant? So stupid that it takes you a moment to work out what just happened. I give you an example. I was on a bus. I heard this girl get on the bus. Walked up to driver and go: “Can I get returned?” And the driver went: “Where to?” And She went: “Back here.” It took me like an extra beat to… what’s going on? Oh she is a fucking idiot. “Case Closed.” People worry about their physical appearance. We all got silly hang-ups. Personally I worry that one of my ball is bigger, than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil Nuts” Makes me giggle. Cos it tickles when I do it. The first few weeks of joining weight watchers, you are just finding your feet. Well done. Altogether or not at all on the laughter I think. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Don’t fuck about. You getting it late nonsense. Are there any ginger people in tonight? We got any ginger people? We have contained the problem there Good.. Ginger people get given hard time. People say very unkind things about gingers. But I think you should be destroyed humanely. I can talk, check out the look. I’m rocking like a Lego Hitler. Das is Sta, hm? When I broke up with my last girlfriend I said: “I blame myself, I should never have let you… let yourself go.” But you have so you have to fuck off.” Do you read the Sunday papers, Birmingham? Do you read the Sunday papers? I like the papers on Sunday morning. These are nice times to reflect on last week and also to look ahead for next week. We read the Sunday paper like News of the World in bed, Sunday morning. Couple of weeks ago. Tea, toast, Sunday paper. What could be nice… What could be more British anyway; my girlfriend turns to me, there is some sex scandal in News of the World. As there invariably is. My girlfriend turned to me and went: “I hope I never find out you are having an affair”. I said: me too. You could be moral arbiter on this one Birmingham. Right? You be the moral arbiter on this one this evening. I have got a friend he got dumped by his girlfriend. She ended their relationship. Just because he said something. They were making love, they were mid-coitus. Fucking. As he orgasm, as he arrived, ejaculated, came. Most intimate, but also most vulnerable time for man. As that occurred as he… He said: Bang! and dirty is gone” I can see two distinct groups of men. There are some men looking at as if to say: “I don’t think that’s not bad”. “I think she has over-reacted a little bit.” And I can see other men looking at me as if to say, “Note to self.” You gotta be very careful with jokes in the bedroom. Cause it quite funny to say to the girl Who is sucking you off: “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But its even funnier if she says: “Well, its not full.” Having sex with someone at work is all right. As long as you don’t work in a Primary school. I have got a friend who is a part time teacher. Well, they all are part time. Are there any teachers in? Come on, its your own time you are wasting. Where the teachers? Give us a shout. The teachers What was it that first attracted you to… children? Not all teachers obviously that will be mental. But P.E teachers, They are Rongans. Do you know what P.E is short for? Paedo. It’s a fact. You can look that up. You know why so many American kids die in high school massacres? It’s cos they are not allowed to run in corridors. Take your time with that. That’s wrong on number of levels. I don’t know if you have notice this Birmingham. Its very difficult to get the first kiss right. You wanna be firm but gentle…. You wanna be manly…. You don’t wanna wake her up. First dates are very delicates. Anyone on first date this evening? Is anyone on first first date? No? – Yeah, yeah. On your own? Seems a little bit suspect, doesn’t it? “We are going somewhere very special.” Sorry, I realised women don’t masturbate You just expect us to believe You really enjoy baths. Well, good luck if you are on first date You see first dates are very delicate. Cause if you call her the next day She will think you are too keen She’ll be put off. If you never phone she’ll think the worst of you. So what I do is a compromise, I phone her the next day and call her a slag. Sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think: “This doesn’t feel right you are my best friend.” You not even allowed on the couch. “Bad Dog, Down Boy.” Did I say, “Down Boy?” Ah, I have made it gay. I fucked a girl with one leg. Should have used my cock. You know, I realize this joke doesn’t require a mime. Its Saturday night in Birmingham. Come on! I said to my girlfriend, I said: “Do you wanna experiment with role play with rape fantasy?” She said: “No!” I said: “That’s the spirit!” Rape is such a horrible word its such a harsh brutal, awful word. Rape. That’s why I prefer to call it: “A struggle snuggle.” You couldn’t stay mad at a struggle snuggle. Could you? Bloody adorable. Now, I been a comedian now for about ten years. I been doing this for about ten years, I thought this year.. I thought this year I would try and get a bit better. Not a crazy idea right? One of things I was quite weak on was regional accents. Is anyone here good at regional accents? – AYE. You could barely say the word “Yes,” there so… You are not even good at talking, never mind accents. But I was no good at doing regional accents And its one of those things as a comedian. Its quite good if you could be good at regional accents. Cos it’s good for telling jokes. I thought well I Go away I do some research. This evening I would like to give you a master class in regional accents. Cause I have discovered the secret and secret is this. All you need is key phrase to get you started in regional Dialect and then you go on with it. Once you get started once you get it in your head you’re fine. But getting started can be tricky. So I would kick off with, I tell you what I’ll kick off with Scouse? Any Scouses in We have got Scouse over there? Where is the Scouse? Give us a shout. Don’t worry. We are not gonna take your benefits away. This is the phrase I use to do the Scouse accent. This is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in the Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “A can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Little head bubble just comes if you say it a few times. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Let’s make Scouses feel at home. Let’s every one, on 3 “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” OK? 1-2-3 – “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Fantastic, Birmingham. Bloody well done. Obviously that’s just to get you started. Once you get started then you say something properly authentically Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I’m going on the rob.” “I gotta get a presie.” “It’s me gran’s birthday.” “She is 30.” Anyone in from Belfast? You are Belfast? Where is Belfast? Hey Belfast. This is the phrase I use to get Belfast accent right. “Ginger and Community.” The terrifying stare is optional. But I find it helps. “Ginger and Community.” “Community” Has more syllables than you thought it had. OK, lets try every one, lets go Belfast. “Ginger and Community.” 1-2-3 – “Ginger and Community.” Perfect. You are now all qualified to say “There is a bomb in the car.” Roller Coaster, Pooper-Scooper, Umpa Lumpa, Kawasaki. Four unrelated words. Meaningless in all respects other than if you are trying to do the Geordie accent. In which case they are fucking gift “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. Kawasaki. Makes me happy. All together, Rolla Costa – “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” – “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. – “Umpa-lumpa.” Kawasaki. – “KAWASAKI.” Perfect. Are there any Geordies in? No. Presumably they are outside with their shirts off fighting. But I wonder what the fellas are up to? Welsh. Have we got any Welsh people in? – Yeah! My God we have got an army. I have discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn’t so much a phrase. Its more a state of mind. To do a good Welsh accent you just gotta sound… Confused. “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Let’s all try. “Whose coat is that jacket?” – “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” – “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Perfect. “See those two houses… the one in the middle is mine.” “That paper you sitting on. Are you reading that?” “I came out of the shop and there was my bike, “Gone.” Anyone from Manchester? No one from Manchester? Accent is pretty easy for Manchester You just need three words. “Saw it.” “All right.” “Not Bad.” You know one of my best friend is from Manchester. He is called Ali. He was named after where he was conceived. Any Scottish people in? We got Scottish? Hello. You are living the stereotype, aren’t you love? Obviously for the Scottish accent. Probably the best phrase to use is “There’s been a murder!” Chances are, there’s probably fucking has been. Of course living in Scotland, the main benefits are: Unemployment and housing. See the Scouses here are perked up. Like a Chave meercat. There’s is a bit of drink problem in Scotland. I hope you don’t mind me saying? Up there, they think I’m a double act. And drunks. You wouldn’t believe the fucking drunks. Whereabouts Scotland you are form? Fort William? I don’t know where the fuck that is. What? What sorry? You got sort of accent that meets speech impediment I think. Lockness Monster? You introducing yourself? Sorry. Didn’t mean it. Sorry. But the drugs in.. Drugs in Scotland Up there a drug called metadone: I can’t believe its not heroin.” Think that the easiest accent in UK is the West Country. Cause the West Country is just a pirate voice. Isn’t? Who can’t do a fucking pirate voice? Arrrgh! I’m going on a date. With my sister. Hope my mummy doesn’t find out. I’m cheating on her. Are there people in from West Country? Hey there, Hi. Hello. I’m not being patronising. I just thought it will be a treat for you to see hand with five fingers. Look like that.. Now what would be the phrase. You always gonna try and do the Birmingham accent What would be the phrase for Birmingham? All right? All right? Other Phrase that comes up a lot in Birmingham: “It’s fucking shitty.” “All right?” “It’s fucking shitty.” Any other phrases for Birmingham? What was that? That was all just vowels! What was it? have ya al right? have ya all right. Have you had a stroke? Said I shouldn’t really joke about stroke if I ever had a stroke I would be laughing at the other side of my face. Are there any other words? Any other key phrases for Birmingham? Ah what sorry? Cup of tea? How am ya? How am ya? How am ya? Poorly educated. Have we got any other exotic accents in the room? Any one from over seas or anywhere exciting? Anyone from UK that we have missed. Any other place in the UK – Jersey. Jersey? You haven’t got an accent, you tax dodging scum. Who knew there was that much anti-Jersey feeling? Simmering under. Finally some one said it! You are basically French, now fuck off. Has anyone got a different accents we haven’t covered. Essex? You Muggy MILF you Fucky Slag. Come on, Come on Fucking Slag I don’t know how they make Essex men. Presumably a man who fucks a chicken. They got a lot of that going on Any others? What, Sorry? Aussie? I can do Aussie… Yorkshire! Yorkshire? It’s 25 Pounds a ticket, i thought we priced you out Yorkshire? Yorkshire. Say what I like and I like what I bloody well say. Wicked, Tele, Froogle Cricket. My favourite Yorkshire phrase is “tin tin tin.” Which means: “It isn’t in the tin.” Tin tin tin. Tin tin tin. Where is Australian? Give us a shout Australian man. You still fucking there? Where are you? I can do Australian. Is it the Prime Minister or President. I can never remember. But I can Alaf from Home & Away. Which ever one he is. You are acting like a bloody hoon mate. Alarigan and prized Galaveer What ever the fuck a Galaveer is. Whereabouts in Australia you are from? Melbourne. So you weren’t affected by the flooding, were you? Is that why you sat so high up? “I’m not taking any fucking chances but” I mean people..You know. People lost every thing in the flooding. Cos they had forgotten to tie their Kangaroos down. Serious. People Drowned. And you wouldn’t have expected that. Cos they all were wearing hats with corks on. Any others? What? What was that one? You are Chinese? You don’t really sound Chinese Sir. I’ll be honest with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would… It would smack a “Razy Lacism”. Oh That take you a long time innit? “Hang on, Hang on. Oh no. Got it” Any others? Jamaican? Jamaica? You know what my name is? You aware of this? Oh well this will be a treat for you. I would like every one in the room to say my name in Jamaican accent. 1-2-3. – JIMMY CARR. I’m “Jamaica.” Did he went: “Yeah.” Bombaclat. Apparently we got some bombaclat in. I don’t know. Hold on a bloody minute. Any others? Dublin? Where is the Dublin? Hello! You from Dublin? I saw documentary about your weddings I thought that was terrific That’s my fav.. You know I’m a plastic paddy. What they call a plastic paddy I got Irish parents, Irish passport, Born in Ireland But I speak and present myself in this way because I was raised and educated in home county’s which goes to show what you can do. When you apply yourself. Do you wanna hear my favourite Irish joke. Maybe only Irish people get this joke. I’ll tell you and see. What’s the difference between a riot and a gypsy weeding? You can’t buy a gate at a riot. Maybe that’s just an Irish thing I don’t know… Well, we’ll move on. Every year in my show I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception. So what I thought I do right now is show you some of the pictures I have done to illustrate the next jokes. Do you wanna see them? – Yeah. Excellent news. Cause that is what happens next I had some ideas. I kick off with some ideas I have had a idea for a Rape Alarm that when you press it plays Benny Hill theme music. You know to make it more of a keeper. Some advice for you. The best way to test the temperature of bath is with the Baby’s elbow. I had an idea how to proper par currency the Pound against Euro and the Dollar. What you do is you print new Pounds and this time the Queen is smiling. And if things get really bad… tits out your majesty. Lil joke for you. What would you get if you cross the Queen and prince Philip Killed in a tunnel. -Carr Killed by Fiat Driver- Too soon? Its been 14 years. Get over it. All right, Point taken. I’ll drop that from Royal Variety. I say that Prince Philip have already pissed himself. Although he is 82.He probably piss himself anyway. Some thoughts for you. When you think about it a Rhino is just a Unicorn that didn’t moisturise. Gillette. Gillette claims to be “The best a man can get”. What about a blow job from twins? Whatever happened to Jedwood? The speed men shaving adverts. If I shave to that kind of speed my balls are being shreds When I was told I was bipolar I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Friend’s of mine got OCD. For those of you that don’t know OCD is an abbreviation It’s just a shorter and quicker way of saying. I’d be a really annoying girlfriend. True Story. If all the veins in your body were laid out in straight line You would die. Let’s talk about some social issues. My neighbour is noisy and nosey. He is always banging on the walls shouting: “Is anyone there? I have fallen, is anyone there?” It’s none of your business, if anyone is here. Still he has gone quiet now. Childhood is now effectively over by 11. Which is when pubs close and uncle Terry gets home. Owh. Uncle Terry. I was traumatized as a child. Our Priest was cheating on me. I just want to reach out to people that have attempted suicide and say: “Come on, Have another go.” Keys to the city, That’s a weird thing. Keys to the city. Course they don’t have that in Liverpool do they? You just get given a coat hanger. As of fashion statements Socks with sandles says: I’m either a German, a paedophile or a cunt. Quite possibly… all three. Apologies to any paedophiles or cunts we have in. Its not gonna be any Germans… it’s a comedy gig. Health: Lets talk about health. Health is important. Isn’t it? I heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy Its a good idea to take off your weeding ring. So I did Posh Spice. Victoria Beckham. She is so thin she gotta be careful when she has a bath Cause if the water is to hot she could turn into stock Obese Children put a lot of strain on NHS. Not to mention See-Saws and swings You know if things carry on as they are it is predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43. I tell you what, let’s talk about religion, that could not possibly upset anyone If Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is be in Christ? Then, aren’t Christians just in the way? Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age gap. Now you have notice out of deference and respect to our Lord and Saviour: Jesus Christ I have let him bum me. I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious. Feel the tension in the room… I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious, he knows the Quran backwards. Which is handy cause that’s how you read it. Surprisingly well informed and inoffensive joke about Islamic faith. And that’s because I’m not a fucking idiot. What the Christians gonna do? Forgive me? Good luck with that. Speaking of Christians any Catholics in? A few Catholics. Catholics are a weird bunch. Look at the Rosary. Basically anal beads. Thank you very much. Excellent. Now I think next thing for me career wise Ladies and Gentleman will be doing some sort of interview show where I talk to people. You know this kind of set up. Couple of chairs. You face off against each other. Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton. Those kind of shows. That would be great to get but you can’t just start doing that on TV like day one. That would be tricky. So I thought what I would do on this tour is practice. Get some one out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and get a bit of practice with the interviewing. So to that end, does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame? Oh go on, your hand goes straight up, what do you do? You are on TV in Poland. I will take that to mean, you work in adult film business. You been on Polish TV. That’s a claim to fame well done you. And Polish Radio. Well Finally. That fucking sealed the deal. Ok. Any other claims to fame, Interesting jobs? Any other? It could be from anywhere. You are a priest. Who is a priest? You are a priest? I’m looking at you. I think you might had some dealing with priests. Just stand up, just for a second. Turn around so that people can see you. You see, I mean, am I… am I being cynical? Cause he is definitely not a fucking priest. Any other interesting jobs? What sorry? – I own my own pizza shop. You own your own pizza shop. Is that a fucking job for yourself. “I own me own Pizza Shop.” There is a massive problem with obesity in this country, you should be fucking ashamed. Pizza, well done!! And best Pizza you say? – Voted best pizza in Britain. Voted best pizza in Britain by….. You? Best independent Pizza Co…. I didn’t care the first time. Any other unusual jobs or claims to fame? – I’m a funeral director You are what? – Funeral Director. A Funeral director.. Love.. Your voice couldn’t go any better with your job “He is fucking dead.” “How am ya?” “Dead” “Its fucking shitty” A funeral director, That’s interesting.. I mean as a job that’s fascinating. Any other interesting jobs? What’s your name? Caroline, What you do Caroline? You work in T.V. What do you do in T.V.? You work on what, sorry? You work on Holby City. Well done. I love it. I Love what you have done with Holby City. I think the fucking genius move with Holby City was casting Hugh Lauriho, and changing the location to America. Well done you. I think we should talk to the Funeral… Should we talk to the funeral director? Funeral director. What are the chances of you getting down here. Don’t fucking jump or we would have to bury you. Make your way down to here then we can talk to funeral director. That sounds exciting While he is making his way down… Yeah give him, give him a smash While he is making his way down cause its a big old venue, it’ll take him a minute. Any other claims to fame in the room any other exciting… You are what? You are a palaeontologist? In Birmingham? In any case if Dinosaur.. Its dinosaur bones, yes? And you look at those not just dinosaur, have you got any part time job in Aztec? What else do you look at? Different fossils. WOW! Palaeontology is brilliant wonderful scientific thing to do. I did a project on Dinosaurs when I was six. I loved it. I was very excited, I did lot of pictures and I stuck them in and I did a whole project on Dinosaurs and I love them. And then what I did, and – this is an interesting note to you – I grew up. Still doing my Dinosaur book, I like it. Rrraaa! I will indulge you.. What’s your favourite Dinosaur? Velociraptor. Because of Jurassic Park. Ah, But you might as well have said Barney Grow up. Where the fuck has this undertaker gone? I’m starting to worry that there has been a death in the village and he’s been called away Where the fuck is he? Where the fucking hell did you come from? Come and say Hello! You are a funeral director. Hello, How are you? Come and say hello. Right, how are you Sir? Have a sit down. I’m all right. What’s your…. Sorry, how am Ya? …………. OK. You are not a gangster rapper. Just hold that like…. Hold that like a normal human being. What’s your name? I didn’t even get your name. John! John, OK. Well I will set this up properly. Hello, my name is Jimmy Carr and I’m joined this evening by John The Funeral director from Birmingham. John, tell us sir, what is your… What is your average day? Involve making coffins and doing funerals. Doing Funerals? Yeah, yeah, “making coffins”. Yeah, yeah, collecting deceased, I’m slightly terrified by you. How do you… So you collect the body? In a hearse or? Just the back of transit? In the private ambulance. Sort of like a transit but a bit more sophisticated. Bit more sophisticated. When you say “private ambulance”, is it just a transit with ambulance written on it in paint , in dirt? Not really, Not quite like that. So you go and collect them from the.. So you have to turn up all kind of you know in black suit and stuff? Do you? Yeah, yeah, that’s why I’m sitting here and nobody recognizes me. They are not gonna recognize you anyway cause they are dead That’s probably…. I just.. I can’t believe I’m here with you. Nice one.. This is unreal. Must be lovely to meet some one who is still breathing. Lovely fucking change for you. Do you get involved in the embarming? Not so much now. When I first started I had a bit you know, I had with that stuff, but not so much now. I been doing it for years. Sorry, so “not so much now” sounds like there was an incident that stopped you from doing it. Nah Nah Nah Sounds like, well hang on get away from there I tend not to.. Do much with the bodies any more If that’s.. That’s the right thing to say. You don’t do so much with the bodies now? No No. I’m more to do with coffins and funerals. Now you work in this industry. Is there any…Now necrophilia is something that is talked about. I’m only asking Cos, because people think they are gonna get away with it. But ultimately you know, they’d get caught cos some rotten cunt will spilt on them. It’s my necrophilia joke everyone. You are welcome, I haven’t been caught yet. You haven’t been caught Do you know any of my favourite, like funeral joke? Not undertaker joke. I don’t know if it like based on the true thing. You might even know this even. There, there.. Old lady, beautiful nice old lady her husband died, she goes to the funeral parlour or where you work She was talking to the guy that does your job and he says:He is beautifully laid out That classic sort of thing always: “Never looked better, Looks lovely But” “I wanted him to be in his blue suit, and you got him in brown suit” “Could you put him in his blue suit, I mean his brown suit” and guy says: “Not a problem madam” and then leans out on door and goes “Change the heads on two and four” Cos presumably once you burying them Do things get stopped Do people get buried with jewellery? Na na nothing like that. Its a nice watch man Just so you live in Birmingham? Just outside Birmingham. Black Country. Black country in a Black Country. Racist That’s an interesting thing. How did you get into being a… I did my work experience when I was in school You did your work experience Yeah yeah Sounds like you turned up to that meeting late What’s left sir? Well you are gonna be working with corpses That’s quite a cool thing. Isn’t? Sure Has anyone ever woken up? No. Cos you hear stories about something to do with fluids in spine You hear stories about people kind of bolt up right Oh never, Never Nothing like that Nothing like that.You just position them How you want your own way John You come up with the thing you like I think its an interesting thing to do It a lifeless ordeal to work as funeral director kind of corpses and things And death you gotta deal with it. Part of life Whatever I feel, I should give something back and the thing I’m good at is writing jokes. I’m good at doing one liners so I would like to do A joke for you about any.. Its sort of like.. It’s what I can do. What I can offer the world is jokes. So what would you like a joke about? Could be anything at all. Could be funeral directing could be getting married, Could be anything you want Anything at all. I will write a joke of the top of my head just really quick Drum and bass Music. Why did.. Why did the Lion get lost in the forest I don’t know Because Jungle is massive. I think.. I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing Why don’t you go for something else. Something more difficult. Anything at all Motor Bikes All right OK.OK two motorcycle guys Bikers Like Hells Angels Bikers. Two Guys massive Bikes Walk into a bar. They are all in Holy Debs and kit Whatever Helmets on. Walk into a bar. Barman sees them coming. Bar man Goes: “Drinks, Gentlemen?” And the Bikers go: Cos, its two of them That’s pretty good though. Time out, Could you just…. John, This is not like a set up thing? I don’t know you right? So off the top of my head you said Bikers you could’ve said anything Motor Bikes and I did Bikers and off the top.. Two of them and then.. Brilliant. John every one. Give him round of applause Thank you so much Really appreciate coming out man. Thank you so much. John everyone I very much enjoyed my brilliant motor bike joke There was no joke there John We were just fucking with you He is the nicest man. I hope when I die he buries me Don’t interfere John Leave that alone I didn’t like it when I was alive Right, More of me My Girlfriend said to me during sex She said: “Did you remember to lock the front door?” I said: ” yeah, There is no way you gonna escape” I had a relationship with a blind girl Which was rewarding but challenging. It took me ages to Get her husband’s voice right. You didn’t see that coming Neither did she… Who picks up guide dog’s shit? Some young women drink so much they black out And can’t remember what happened the night before If that’s you, Don’t worry Love I made a video I shouldn’t joke. my grand dad was an alcoholic We used to call him “Alcho Pops” I remember I used to press flowers Well I say they used to fall over a lot in the garden Have you been to cinema recently? has anyone been to cinema? There is an advert now in cinema telling you not to buy pirate DVDs Because its not the real cinema experience And it goes on to say, because if you buy a pirate DvD Someone might get up in the middle of film And go for a piss and you think, Yeah that is annoying But its a lot like being in the cinema My ex girlfriend bought me the Kamasutra last year as a gift Which put me in very awkward position. I would like to talk about a sex act that i don’t fully understand Are you all familiar with the 69 Yes? I like the 69 as much as the next man Hoping that isn’t a man that would be terrible. I like the 69 but I don’t really understand it because its incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being But how does 69 ever occurred Only ever happens when the man says to woman “Would you do that thing that I like?” And woman goes all right “but only if you do the thing that I like” Not a problem there you go And the woman says: No because the last time I did the thing that you liked You were little bit sleepy afterwards You fucked off to sleep. You said we’d call it 68. It’s like the 69 but I owe you one I like every thing about 69 apart from the view. The Paraneium or tint I like to call it the Amanda Holden. Because Like Amanda Holden, on Britain got talent last year Its the bit between ass hole and cunt Piers fucking Morgan. He is interviewing people now When I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinson’s, I didn’t mean his fucking job You shaking your head at Parkinson’s joke That’s inappropriate. All right lets try some rude stuff see how we get along. Lady wind Queefing Fanny Farts The Expulsion of air from Vajayjay during sexual intercourse A Cunt Grunt There are two main responses when a queef occurs. Some couples it doesn’t matter how gnarly and squishy the noise They deny the queef. Did you hear anything? No I didn’t hear anything And they move on Some couples its a funny little noise They’ll have a little giggle they move on Not a problem. I like to go on a third way I like to pretend that vagina is talking to me. What’s that? “there’s a boy trapped down in a well” I like to think of myself as The Vagina Whisperer. What happened? Did you get a phone call? This Scottish lady got a phone call I imagine drugs are arriving any minute You all right? You switched it off and it rang anyway Ah well, I’m not buying that fucking story Don’t worry. It’s OK. Its only a phone Don’t feel bad Oh sorry, Its a late alarm to come and see me Come and see me that I’m fucking late. You are not the one that I booked for the interval? Are ya? Its very difficult to get the dirty talk right. Have you noticed this? Its very difficult to get dirty talk right like in long term relationship its fine. Because you know where your boundaries are and you know your partner but on a one night stand fraught with danger I’ve got a story concerning a friend of mine He is quite good at pulling We were all at a party together and he pulled a girl that none of us knew. Ended up back at her place having sex well done him. High Five He told us the story the next day he said she started it They were having sex She said: “Talk dirty to me” Or more accurately: “Talk dirty to me” So from the Rolodex of filth in his head he came forth with this. And this would be fine for many of the ladies here. Within the confines of bedroom. Within the boudoir this would be an ok thing to say. With the long term loving trusting partner One a one night stand, Maybe not He said: “You love it you slut.” She said: ” I’m not a slut.” And that was a very awkward moment. Awkward as moments can be When you just insulted some one you are balls deep in He apologised profusely needless to say and they moved on. I imagine there’s a story there Madam. Well you know how you got a phrase you are not meant to say, Its all You could think to say. It’s on the tip of your tongue So like two minutes later my friend he somehow lost track of he wasn’t meant to say Says it again “You love it you slut.” She said:” I’m not a slut” And he got into an argument with her he didn’t mean to. It was like a reflex When she said: “I’m not a slut” for the second time. He went: “We have just met” She said: You don’t know me. He said: “But that just proves my point.” Are there any couples in this evening? Give us a shout, the couples. – YEAH uh, Lots of couples in tonight This is a bit silly I think, uh But for valentine I got my girlfriend sex vouchers as her present I didn’t realise they were transferable. Turns out they accept them at Whole Work. You get to the stage in long term relationship where you wanna experiment sexually But you know it could be awkward and.. And what if she finds out I’m ten years being into a relationship now Any one beat that longer than ten years? – Yes What’s the longest we got in the room? 13? 26. Any one more than 26? 28. More than 28? For how long? Sorry? You been married together for 43 years? I think come on; 43 years. Now I obviously, I don’t know what’s its like after 43 years I think that’s an extraordinary commitment. Specially in this day and age. That’s quite something I don’t know if its same for you but I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years Things have got quite predictable in the bedroom Now when I lower my entire bowl bag into her mouth She is pretty much guaranteed to wake up. Same? You could see that he just went: “Yes I,,” You look worried on their behalf they have been married 43 years. Don’t panic They have tried everything. What’s your relationship with them? How do you know them? That’s your mum and dad? That’s nice Well I hope that image of your dad tea-bagging your mum hasn’t… I hope, I for one… I don’t know about looking your parents in eyes again. I don’t think you’ll Be able to drink tea. Hi! Shit, Sorry This would be hard for you to believe I used to be a gentleman I didn’t use to talk about my sexual exploits even with my close friends Never Kiss and tell ALways keep it you know, keep it private Private life for a reason is private Now, I will talk about anything It’s great for me because its catharsis But also, I think its good for everyone Cos you talk about things everyone feels a bit more open and Bit more normal Cos you know there are weird things. Here is an example of an intimate detail i don’t mind sharing with you My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse But its not a problem Because, I … Can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spat it back in my face. When my first girlfriend choke to death. It was a terrible blow. I had to finish myself off. There are inequalities between the sexes and I think its universally acknowledged Men get an easier deal in our society than women I can think of an example Where men get a very rude deal You know early on in a relationship before you live together When you Just kind of staying over in each other houses. Very exciting phase in a relationship In the history of the world No man has ever been staying over a girl’s house And found a vibrator in her bedside drawer and there’s been a problem. There is only one reaction on record and That is as follows: “Owh! Hello!” Cheeky What she like But when she finds latex vagina in your socks drawer There is hell to pay. Explanations must be made I say sock drawer, Actually its the Office I say latex vagina it was the receptionist All right let’s hear from men of Birmingham. Give us shout The Men? – YEAH Specifically give me shout, the heterosexual men of Birmingham -YEAH. Same voices just a little bit lower Have you all.. Had you had the conversation the pub conversation, The classic pub conversation If you had to sleep with a man who would it be? You had that conversation? You had that conversation? You haven’t have that conversation? I’ll save you the embarrassment sir, I tell you what happens in that conversation. So you are in the pub with a mate having a drink talking about love and life, Whatever Out of nowhere, you mate goes: “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “Well if you had to who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t So no one.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t though, So no one.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well…” “Puff!” I got accused of being gay the other night. I was on stage doing a gig And I had a pink shirt on. Someone accused me of being gay. Gay.. Gay Shirt, Pink Shirt.. Gay. I can’t think of a more masculine colour for a shirt than a pink shirt Cos A pink shirt shows the world you don’t know how to put a wash on. What could be more masculine? I often get asked: What celebrities have you been with? Have you slept with? I don’t wanna give it the biggin, It was years ago so, Probably it doesn’t matter if I say Do you wanna know? – YEAH. Gary Glitter. Have any of you seen my impressions? Have you seen my impressions before? I don’t do many. I do a few umm I’d do one one for you now. Are there any lesbians in? Does any one enjoys smashing pastis? No? Are there any lesbians? There must be some lesbian surely. What? Is there pool tournament on? Where are the lesbians? you up there somewhere? There are some lesbians up there. Hello girls how are you? You all right? Very nice to have you in. The impression that I do Its more like piece of physical theatre than impression per say but its the… Hang on cameraman is coming to get the lesbians. Its more a piece of physical theatre than an impression But actually its breakup of same sex relationship between two women. And I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish when love breaks down. When you still love that person but you no longer in love with that person. You gotta go you separate ways. Would you like to perform me for you now? OK Just gimme.. Gimme a second. What did you think was gonna happen? I feel duty bound now. What’s your name madam? What? Cheralle? OK Fine, Cheralle. Who are you with? Who is the other half? Rosie. Hi. I feel duty bound to ask you the question I have asked every lesbian I ever met. What would it take to get you back on solids? Oh, I got a maybe, Yes I’m two Bacardi Breezers away. Come on. I often get asked about hackles, That’s a very common question for me. People wanna know what’s your favourite hackle, what’s the worst hackle, That kind of thing I was doing a gig last year. On Rapier Wit tour. The last tour I was doing a joke about Paralympics. Now, when you are doing a joke about Paralympics you gotta be a little bit careful when you are setting up a piece of material like that. That you are not fuck witted, disrespectful. So I was setting up quite carefully, I got one sentence in. All I said was: “My favourite event of the Paralympics.” This guy at the back of the room quick as a fucking flash went: “Cripple Jump.” I wish I hadn’t but i fucking pissed myself. The other one I loved. I was doing a gig last year in Cardiff and front row centre where you sitting madam, out of nowhere, 20 mins into gig he just went “Dragon”. So there was not massive pause before he said “Dragon”. It was just to let you know what happened there. In my head I had to go: “Whose coat is that jacket.” To get you started in the head. 20 minutes in and he just went “Dragon” I went: “What?” He went: “Dragon”. I know but what you want. He went: “I would like a joke about dragon please.” And he said it like I was the cunt for turning up in Wales without any dragon based humour. So in the interval I felt duty bound to go and write a joke about a dragon. Do you wanna hear my dragon joke? – YES Ok. Two dragons walk into a pub Don’t panic Johnnie, Makes sense “Brilliant.” Oh I love John. I’m just imagining a funeral.. You know What do they call it when funeral.. and the cars Precession yeah. Funeral precession with drum and bass Has your Hearse got blue lights underneath it? I think that would look quite good like it was haunted. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other: “It’s hot in here” The other one says: “Shut your mouth.” Now I thought what we might do this evening Birmingham. Obviously You have all come out to see the show this evening. I’m very grateful for that. I love my job I love the fact that you came out to see me live. But we are also friends here And you have bought tickets to come and see me at the show So I tend not to get hackled in the way like I used to get hackled When I used to play the clubs When you used to play the clubs you are unannounced, You know the venue was bigger than the name So people would come along they wouldn’t be invested If they didn’t like it they would shout rude things out I used to love that, Proper aggressive hackling I thought why don’t we .. Cos people tend not to do it at these kind of gigs. Cos People don’t wanna fuck up the evening for themselves or for anyone else. Hold your horses just one second. People tend.. One notable exception People tend not to wanna fuck the gig up. But I thought it’s quite nice, It’s quite a fun thing, hackle So why don’t we have a hackle amnesty? Little Two three minutes, Where you can just fill your boots If you got something abusive to shout Have at it – Cunt, Fuck Bum. Have you actually got Tourettes? That was fas.. so quick Cunt, Fuck Bum Fuck Bum, That’s a weird thing to shout Fuck Bum Like the rudest words you know Fuck Cunt Bum Any other hackles? What? Sorry? Peter Kaye was sold out so you had to come here. Ah! Unlucky! I bet he wouldn’t have called you a cunt. Unfortunately I’m not Peter Kay. Cunt. It’s very different kind of show Peter’s show is good too Any other hackles? My crisps tasted rubbish? Oh no, you didn’t. Oh no, you didn’t. I became Latino there for a second. “No you didn’t” Did you see.. I had crisps Jimmy Con Carne crisps The good people of Walkers for comic relief They Brought out flavour of my crisps It was me and Al Murray, Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry. And then they made these crisps and every packet they Sold, They gave five pence to the starving people in Africa. I said to them: “Why don’t you just send them the fucking crisps?” It got to be make more sense. Isn’t? Cos they can’t be as fussy about the flavours. If you’re starving you’re fine aren’t you? No these are bit.. Nah fair enough. Any other hackles? When’s the comedy on? When’s the comedy on… Really? What’s your name sir? – Ah! Can’t remember. What’s your name? – David. David? What’s your favourite colour, David? – Blue. Blue. OK. Seems like the fairest way to deal with you David. There are so many things I could say Number between 1 and 8 David? – SIX Six. And you said to me: “When’s the comedy on?” It says if you want my “Cum back” You’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. These… These things don’t lie David. These things don’t lie. I’m kidding. She swallowed the lot. Any others? What sorry? I have got a big nose? What are you.. Fucking retarded? I mean, I literally don’t have a big nose. That’s like a weird… It’s like an insult you heard someone else used “That got a big fucking laugh.” That’s gonna work with the comic with the big nose. What’s your name , Sir? Thomas? What do you do, Thomas? You’re a student? What are you studying? Mathematics? Are you at school, Thomas? I don’t know we should continue this any further Cos it started to feel like grooming. You at school? “Yeah, I am at school.” “You got a big nose” I haven’t. Any other hackles? Oh what was that? That sounded good. what was that? What was it? I’m a Paedophile? I was just fucking chatting to him. I have done nothing. Any others? – Jimmy! Yes? – I fucked your mum. Dad? Any other hackles? What, sorry? Posh Prick Posh Prick seems a bit harsh. What’s your name , Sir? Miles. Miles. You think I might be a bit posh. All right Miles, What’s your favourite colour? Blue. Seems like the fairest way to deal with this B-L-U-E Number between 1 and 8 Miles. Four. hmm Says: “If you have come as a cunt you have won.” Pretty good news. Any more for any more? Who the fuck has the side party? You gonna kick yourself when I tell ya: Me… I think you know your doctor isn’t great If the STI check is a taste check My girlfriend used to smoke after sex. So we started using lubricant. I was with a girl and she said: “I want this night to be magical.” And it was After I fucked her, I disappeared I got into an argument with my ex. and in the middle of argument she went: “What kind of idiot you take me for?” I couldn’t resist, I went: “A fat one.” In my defence she was fat. She didn’t get sun tan. She got crackling. She was legally required to make a beeping noise when moving backwards. She wasn’t that big when we got together but she Bloomed. I mean I have seen girls put on weight before. But she took the biscuit. On the plus side… Just a nicer way of saying it. I quite like the euphemism. Of course the classic euphemism if someone is gay, Instead of saying gay You would say, He is a friend of Dorthie’s If some is very fat, I like to say: “He is friend of Greg’s.” I had a super awkward moment on stage recently So I was on stage doing gig, I said: “Any questions?” And someone went: “Are you gonna have any children” I said: ” I don’t wanna make you feel bad about asking, But My girlfriend and I” “Actually can’t have Children” … The way we do it. Now he is trying the other way Cos you can’t get pregnant in mouth either. Are there any parents in? Give us a shout parents. Has anyone got parents? You had to think about that You are an idiot. Only point about parents is all parents have got a favourite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favourite. All it mean is “You weren’t it.” Unless you are an only child. If you are an only child and your parents went out to tell you. They didn’t have any favourite. That is bad With her last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery. She wasn’t in there to pick it up from sorting office. In a long term relationship its important to be a good listener I think she’s asleep. I might pop down stairs for a wank. Are you familiar with the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? You heard the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? Yes? – YES I have got a friend that didn’t know what that meant, I used it in a conversation and he didn’t know what it meant I had to explain what a Fuck Buddy was I said: ” it was like a friend you have regular sex with.” He said: “How is that different from a normal relationship?” I said: “That you are friend….” “… and you have regular sex with him” “Its like the opposite of the normal relationship” I found out that the hard way There is a big difference between hanging out with a mate’s girlfriend And hanging out off a mate’s girlfriend Its a lovely term of phrase I can get a job on Sky Sports I have got into an argument with my girlfriend She said: “You treat this house like a hotel” I said: ” I have never snorted cocaine off the hooker tits in this house” I told my girlfriend that top she was wearing was too revealing She said: “Jimmy sometimes cries after sex.” We got into a row… You would be familiar with this if you are in a long term relationship This is kind of scenario for a row That I think happens a lot We got into a fight on the way back from a party So we went to this amazing party. It’s about 2:30 in the morning. We are driving home So I’m driving. I haven’t had anything to drink, Stone cold sober driving. She’s had quite a lot to drink. I mean in terms of units of alcohol She had an awful lot to drink But she is not drunk and I know she is not drunk I know she is not drunk Because she told me she wasn’t drunk Four hundred fucking times You know like sober people don’t Worst thing about this argument I didn’t even say anything someone else Said something and she was talking about that And I just agreed with the the fact that other person said And it was a fact. It wasn’t a point for debate, it was a fact So driving along right, She is talking a lot I’m listening a little OK My Bad But she is telling me abou the evening in real time And I was there for most of it so I don’t need to be hearing this A lot of stories involve me So driving along She tells me the story.. She got to a point This mutual friend of ours This girl that we both know. She said: “That girl, That girl said that my dress was short” I went: “Yeah it is.” “You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go with her to party?” “Why don’t you drive her home?” It was.. Sure.. It was really short I mean it was what I would call a Grey hound. You call it a grey hound? Or just an inch away from there? It was a really short skirt. So like I went: It is short Yeah. She went: “Uh, You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go back to party and drive her home if you fancy her so much” “Do you mind me saying I got fat legs.” Suddenly fucking Chubaca is in the car “………….” What the fuck.. she is just snorting Next thing I know like within 20 seconds she is pulling on the car door We are doing 40Miles an hour in the middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning She is going: “I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” Trying to open the car door. She is opening it.. She is not wearing the seat belt, Cos she is pissed Opening the car door, Safer.. Um, Opening the car door… I had to stop the car. This is dangerous. Right? So as soon as I stop the car she fucks off out immediately Teetering on heels up the road. No coat, no money, no keys, no idea where she is fucking going “I’d walk home, I’d walk home.You don’t need a fucking girl, I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” . ” I’d walk home” So I had to do the dutiful boyfriend thing of driving along 4 fucking miles an hour “Come on get back in the car” “Its all my fault” It’s not my fault. I haven’t done fuck all here. Come on get back in the car, I will buy you chips. Please just get back in the car. Anyway, Long story short I got arrested for Curve Prowling. I don’t know about you but I think the best thing about a big passionate argument Is tumbling into bed together afterwards And lying in cold grim silence until dawn. Are you asleep? ” I can’t asleep I’m too full of hate.” Any fans of make up sex in? Anyone had a good make-up sex? Give us a shout. Yes – YES! Make up sex is pretty awesome but timing is critical Cos if you go over excited you go for make up sex too early And argument still happening, That is a little bit rapey Let’s hear from ladies of Birmingham. Give us a shout ladies? You have sounded very good spirits Do you think you are easy to live with Ladies? – YES The vast majority said “Yes” This is gonna be educational and informative. I’m gonna tell you how easy you are to live with ladies. I’m gonna do it with a couple of questions. OK? Have you ever met a gay man? – YES! Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree and full of life. “We are going dancing!. Bacardi Breezers! Ha yeah!” Well that’s what we were like before we met you. Interesting little fact for you: 3% of all new homes are built specifically for pensioners. And they are called coffins. My grandmother, I loved her to death… Smothered. I’m joking, I fucked her. Now I don’t normally do political stuff on my stage show on the tour But I saw something that caught my eye recently. It was in Croydon. Any one in here from Croydon? One person down there hope you are having a night of crime Sorry nice tie, My bad So it was this thing. It happened in Croydon. I saw it a local paper down in Croydon. and it was a BNP campaign Are you familiar with this carnival of cunts? It was British National Party campaigner was handing out leaflets In Croydon high street And you know when people are handing out leaflets. I mean how the got leaflets in Croydon high street for the BNP. is the Everest of stupid. Needless to say. But he is.. He is handing out these leaflets You know sometime you don’t look at leaflet When you are in high street. You just pick it up and kinda of take it and couple of steps before you look at the thing So i just picked the leaflet Oh, British National Party, That’s interesting. “Bam” And properly connected with a punch Nope I’m not advocating violence. Never solved anything But on this occasion I would let it go because he gave BNP campaigner a black eye And that is pretty genius. Cause for that fucker that is adding insult to injury. A lot of planning is going on in London for 2012 Olympics. Sadly most of it is done by AL-Qaida. I just don’t understand it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber? On the off chance You might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a catholic priest and have them now. Life is for living. Am I right? My favourite suicide bomber of last year… Oh you are better than me. Cos you haven’t got a list. Whatever! Um.. My favourite suicide bomber.. Oh well I have got a couple that I really liked. The Detroit bomber.. Do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas? So he flew into Detroit airport and he had an explosive device in his underpants. The triggering device went off. The explosives did not detonate. So there was smoke blowing around but everything didn’t blow up straight away.. Just smoke blowing. So the other passengers you can imagine in America post 9/11 how they put him out. They didn’t run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stewardess. No. They stamped the fucker out. It quite a camp Flamenco style id if this is anything to go. Possibly with a…. But I mean they fucking ruined this guy They didn’t kill him but they ruined him. Now, normally I would say: “Well, you know what, fuck him.” He was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas. Fuck him very much. But my heart goes out for this guy. Cos his court case is coming up in America in the next couple of months And he is gonna have a very tough time in Court of law defending himself Cos the prosecution has got it so easy. The persecution are just gonna go You telling the truth? Yeah I’m telling the truth “Were your pants on fire?” My favourite suicide bomber though He was an assassin suicide bomber. In the United Arab Emirates. OK? He was sent to kill one man. He didn’t. He just killed himself. Technically a win for them but I’m very happy with that. OK. So he was sent to kill this guy and in order to get close to the guy he was gonna Try and kill he had to conceal the bomb He had the bomb concealed.. Wait for it… Up his bum Literally a: “Suicide bummer.” I mean if are gonna start putting bombs up their bums The shit is really gonna hit the fan. Now I don’t know how that bomb was detonated But I like to think in this Day and age, Even someone as fuck witted as a suicide bomber even someone that morally retarded would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation And that bomb up his bum would have been detonated something along the lines of “Pull my finger.” And the passers by went: “What did he have for lunch?” Oh I have got some more pictures. Do you wanna see some more pictures? – YES. -Let’s see some more pictures. I was gonna talk to you briefly about sports Ladies and Gentlemen Chinese gymnast Lu Li Is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the Olympic games Lu Li which is 4feet 3 inches tall Wow Wee… Was the second smallest Ice dancing. Of course Ice dancing won’t be around. Any fans of ice dancing in? Ice dancing of course won’t be around ever because of global warming And AIDS. Snooker and Dance: Snooker and dance have seen their viewing figures Steadily decline since the introduction in 1983 Of remote controls Just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool The rest are on remand in other cities Wayne Rooney. He is not as clever as he looks Let’s talk about technology. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking is sort of half man half computer I bet when he dies, Its a virus He has got medical insurance and Norton. In America they are called Astronauts In Russia they are called Cosmonauts And in Britain they are called balloonists The greatest ride at Disney Is the girl that works in the Topy apple kiosk Pornography. I’ll come to that later.. If you pardon the expression. And the expression of course would be of turtle shitting. The thing with internet porn is that it still has the power to surprise us. I saw something on internet the other day that really shocked me. It was one man having sex with one woman There was no gang-bang , no DP , No Anal, No Dwarves No Three way, No Water sports, No Girl on Girl ,No Gagging, No Rimming No Granny Fanny No DV No DA No Shemales, No MIlfs No one looked barely Legal. It was just one man having sex with one woman I thought: “Who comes up with this crazy Shit” Let’s talk about sex. Adult supervision To me Adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras. The average speed of ejaculation is 43 Miles/hour Which is why it is so important to keep it away from children 20 is plenty Around children you got to be very careful with the language you use for example Say fiddle sticks instead of vibrators I don’t think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators You have made your decision No more sitting on the fence Either. Hermaphrodites …Can go and fuck themselves. A Transvestite is man who dresses to look like a woman And woman they dress to look like is Jane McDonald. Someone told my girlfriend they best way to improve oral sex was to hum. All I’m saying is theme from Corrie is not erotic Anal sex for women is like Marmite It’s brown and it smells funny. Condoms come in packs of three Ideal for married couples cause its Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine I don’t think you should ever treat your woman as a sex object but I do Think you should give her rinse after you have used her You don’t agree? You rather be left looking like a plaster’s radio My girlfriend has got a cleanliness problem downstairs Kitchen is a fucking state I’m joking. She actually got a viralin yeast infection in her vagina Let’s talk about relationships. The last relationship I had I ruined By blurting out: “I love you” too early Which gave away the fact I was hiding behind the curtains People often ask me about the most embarrassing moment its probably When I was first introduced to my girlfriend’s parents I remember my girlfriend saying: ” There’s the bad man there” I don’t like the term “Partner” Cause it makes you sound like we are fighting crime I don’t like the term housewife also, Stay at home mum I prefer to say: “Lazy Sluts.” My girlfriend says she is good at doing two things at same time. If that’s the case.. Why is the threesome out of the question Don’t judge me I improvised Not that bad it has got a face I often walk around the house naked Until the neighbour chase me inside Some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues They had to use a surrogate mother And because of medical Thing they had to use a sperm donor So really what I’m saying is Some people I don’t know just had a baby One of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is When you wake up in the morning Your eyes are so sticky you could hardly open them My girlfriend has it a lot. Sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits Right, Final one of these. This is my favourite joke in the show I’m gonna try not to fuck it up but I slightly Fucked it up last night because I giggled half way through I’m gonna dig deep for Birmingham. Come on. OK. I can do this When I broke up with my first wife I didn’t want anything from her in settlement Except a pint of milk, Four egg yolks, Vanilla pod An ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of Single cream She mixed the whole up in the bowl and she threw it at my face On the plus side, I did get custardy. (custody) Thanks very much I think civil partnerships are gay Apparently one of the biggest fear is the unknown like… I don’t know Apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman But what if you wanna find a woman who is still alive Did you read this, Did you read about this American man that is suing his ex-wife to Get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married That is taking the piss My father always used to say to me: “There is no such word as cunt” I said: “No, I called you a cunt.” People claim to be into recycling But you should see their faces when rinse out a condom I do a little bit of baking. Anyone into baking cookies and cakes and things? I do a bit of baking my speciality is A brownie with nuts which I call a Scout. Come on, Where is your sense of fun Do you get annoyed by cold callers You know on an evening You’re at home relaxing after hard day at work watching TV, flicking through magazine The phone rings its a strange voice you don’t recognize, Talking about something you’re not interested in Oh Mr. Jimmy I have your baby now you send money quick. You bad man Fuck off Do you get this , Do you get the public private phone call problem So this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues Or in the pub surrounded by friends You get a phone call of your other half And the end of phone call they say something That You’d normally say something back Is like your thing but you don’t wanna say it cause its people around and is bit embarrassing So the end of the phone call goes All right, Bye You know I do There’s people around I don’t want to Don’t be like that. All right, I will say it I wanna choke you with my cock. A charity worker came to my front door And they were collecting for a homeless shelter So I gave him a card board box Beggars can’t be choosers. Am I right? I did one of those nude calenders for charity Child line were livid I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers It was brilliant, two hours, one joke. I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers All right, Final thought. If only Africa Had more mosquito nets then every year we could save Millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly Of AIDS. I had been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed Thank you. Thank you You are far too shy Thanks very much. Cheers Very nice of you Birmingham. I couldn’t ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings That’s pretty much my show I thought a nice way to end might be There’s a theory in comedy Lenny Bruce, The American was first to say: “Audience is Genius” The idea is, the audience you regulate comedy You decide, what a comedian can and can’t say on stage Because, If you don’t laugh at a joke It is not socially acceptable If you do then just by definition It is socially acceptable I thought we could put that to test tonight We could start gently work our way up and see At what stage Birmingham goes: “Ah for fuck sake.” Do you wanna give it a go? – YES Ok. We will start gentle. We’ll work our way up So every one’s comfortable at some stage people stop laughing and then that’s the end Hmm, exciting. I’ll start gentle. Pope Benedict. Incidentally he is called Pope Benedict because he comes with hollandaise sauce Hang on!. That’s not a hollandaise sauce. Benedict! As head of Catholic Church Pope Benedict is boss of every Catholic priest in the world He is effectively King of the Paedos. I read about a catholic priest that exposed himself So they defrocked him They don’t hang themselves. do they? Well they do, That’s part of the problem This scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees You would finish that one in your own head Some what ironically I personally I don’t think Pope should worry about the sex scandal It would all be sorted out when Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour Comes back from the made up. Well, You all seem pretty happy with little bit of Christian bating . Yeah? Should we take it up a gear? – YEAH My girlfriend could be really loud during sex I don’t know why. She knows no one is coming to help Fine? Up another gear? – YES Treat them mean, keep them keen You all heard that expression? Treat them mean, keep them keen Treat them mean,you’ll keep them keen If that was really true,If that had really worked Treat them mean, keep them keen Wouldn’t the Jews absolutely adored the Germans? Really? Really? A round of applause on the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever! Where do we go from there? Its the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Hang on! This might offend some of you People say…. Smug sanctimony it is In my Opinion People do say from time to time you hear them: “Princess Diana should have been wearing a seat belt. “If she’d been wearing a seat belt, She’d be here with us today.” To those people I say this, I say: “You try “Snorting cocaine off a cork in the “Back of the Limo while wearing a seat belt and can’t be fucking dumb.” – Fucking hell I saw that little shaky head there I presume that was disapproval madam But to me that looked like you were going: “It can’t be done, I’m sure million fucking times.” Where do we go from there? Cause we had one Fucking hell But Everyone else seems fine You better fuck off A child can drown in just four inches of water But he might as well run a bath That feels like it should have been more offensive than it was A child died in that joke. And I tend to do word play so you get away with murder with word play Literally in that last joke Because people go: “Its just a joke, It doesn’t really matter.” Actually when you talk about real stuff That’s happened in your life. That’s a bit darker , Sort of observational stuff which people think of As being more sort of family friendly. But when you talk about real stuff that’s happened to you That’s where people get more offended. If it happens to be darker And you know there’s a weird thing where That’s where comedy is useful When bad things happen and you need a bit of cheering up That’s where comed has a purpose in our lives Let’s talk about something that happened to me recently And I’m fine talking about it So, I don’t think it should be a problem for you to hear about it. But it is little bit more… Because it is a real thing.Some people get a bit edgy a bit more Offended by the stuff that is real. My girlfriend recently had a miscarriage It was doubly bad because I.. Had to pay for it. That feels that we are getting somewhere. I realize that abortion can be a very upsetting thing For a woman. But at the same time who doesn’t get a little confidence boost When they lose a bit of weight. Well let’s cut to the chase on the show. Let’s talk about what you can and can not say on stage. Very good friend of mine, A guy that I worked with for last ten years We are pretty close, we have written jokes together and we know each other. He knows I said this on stage, He is fine with it. Franky Boyle. Do you all know Frankie Yes? – Yes Frankie got in lot of trouble last year. For doing a joke on stage that contained the word, “Down Syndrome” And I thinks it’s sad. I think It does nothing more than betray his ignorance and insensitivity. What a spastic. Why they call Sunshine Variety coaches When all the kids on board look the same? Well, If that joke is getting round of applause , I’m out. Happy to back away from there. Its a weird thing though cos I suppose thing that we all got common in this room Is that we all share a sense of humour We are all laughing at same kind of things. The weird thing where I laugh the very loudest just before I have a sense of humour failure. I find, If its closest to the edge.. The funniest jokes for me are jokes that i laugh at and as I’m laughing out I go: “I’m a terrible human being.” Funny though, But I’m terrible human being. Do you wanna hear the joke that got me? – YES I heard a joke, It’s an Australian joke Just a pub joke from Australia That gives you an idea how fucking brutal it is The Aussies came up with it. Are you sure you wanna hear this? – YES. I’ll just.. I’ll Cleanse my palette before I tell you this Like a.. Like a sorbet How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. I know. I know. I know. Don’t think I don’t know cos I know I know, I know, I know There is no use giving me a look as if I didn’t pay 25Pounds to listen to this filth Cos you did and you know you did I realised my jokes can often be brutal and cruel And when you think about the content, What I’m talking about in these jokes It is unacceptable. Frankly. But then, Only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh There is no message here. No one’s learnt anything this evening. Have they? I fuckin hope not. Cos I mean, The only purpose for these jokes is make you laugh for two hours It’s releasing endorphins, That’s all I’m doing up here. They are just jokes. I’m just messing around And some people, Some people just like being offended It’s a weird thing. I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this Woman came up to me afterwards at the signing face like fucking thunder and went: “That was disgusting , rude , juvenile, filth” “No better than last year” Fuck off Don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do with that Bloody crazy fool. Um.. Sorry about that joke You realize that joke about the Australian Pub joke You realise, That’s the only joke you will now be able to remember. Whenever the most offensive joke is the only one you’ll be able to recall The next time you are at a family wedding or a funeral. “Fucking hell.” Poor John! “I just.. I know you are here to collect the body” “I have lost my husband, I feel so terribly low” “Maybe, Maybe a joke will cheer me up” “How do you make a gay fuck a woman?” “I’m getting your coat.” Well I haven’t been up here on my own this evening First and foremost I interviewed him earlier He is a funeral director. If you die wouldn’t you wanna be looked after by him When I say looked after I mean nothing more than what is normal John every one. Give him round of applause Thanks John. Thanks for coming down Thank you so much for coming out Specially this evening cos its being sort of you know the DVD record which is always A bit of nerve wrecking gig. And I fucking love playing Birmingham. I love coming here and I couldn’t if you didn’t buy tickets to come out to the show So Thanks so much I really do Appreciate it cos I love my job. Thanks so much (Elbow – One Day Like This)

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Katt Williams: Great America (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-great-america-transcript/

[announcer] You seen him on Pimpin’ Pimpin’. You seen him in American Hustle. You seen him in Friday After Next. He is single-handedly shutting the Internet down. Give it up for the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams! [audience cheering] [“Bad and Boujee” playing on speakers] ♪ Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbox ♪ ♪ Cookie ♪ ♪ Fuckin’ on your b!tch she a thot, thot Cookin’ up dope in the Crock-Pot ♪ ♪ We came from nothin’ to somethin’, n i g g a I don’t trust nobody, grip the trigger ♪ ♪ Call up the gang, they come and get you Cry me a river, give you a tissue ♪ ♪ My b!tch is bad and boujee Cookin’ up dope with a Uzi ♪ ♪ My n i g g a s is savage, ruthless We got 30’s and 100 rounds, too ♪ ♪ My b!tch is bad and boujee Cookin’ up dope with a Uzi ♪ ♪ My n i g g a s is savage, ruthless We got 30’s and 100 rounds, too ♪ ♪ Offset, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ ♪ Rackings on rackings Got back ends on back ends– ♪ [music stops, then audience cheers] Oh, man. I gotta honestly say, I have done seven, eight specials. Nothing is messing with Jacksonville at all. Let me say that. Off top. Lit. We did not– They don’t know. We better let them know. This the most famous county in the world. [audience cheering] People know the county and don’t even know the city. You hear it from out of nowhere. I’m gonna let somebody from here say it. [audience shouting] It speaks for itself. Good old Jacksonville. Y’all did not disappoint, thank y’all so much. Two sold-out shows in J-Town right here. So beautiful. Your weather sold out. Y’all don’t know it. If you don’t travel, you don’t know, this Jacksonville sun… [audience laughing] This is its own sun. It don’t follow no sun rules. You come to Jacksonville, you used to heat. You look at the heat, you’re not even scared. You like, “What, 89? Ain’t nobody give a fuck about no 89.” You mean Jacksonville 89. That’s slave heat. You be like, “I wouldn’t have been able to run away today. They’d have had to beat the shit out of me today.” Love Jacksonville. Y’all got everything. Even your shit that ain’t the top is still the top. The Jacksonville Jaguars is doing they shit. [audience cheering] That’s right. Fuck all them stats. [audience laughing] Fuck all them stats and accolades. Jacksonville Jaguars know two things for a fact: They know they weather is better than yours… and they know they uniforms look better than yours. Them n i g g a s be modeling on the sidelines. Love it here. You come to Jacksonville, you ain’t ready for it. I don’t care where you from, you not ready for this. If you love water, you could overdose in this motherfucker. Jacksonville got water, water, water, and water. They got a creek, lakes, rivers. The river go the wrong way, it– If you not from here, you not– You gotta be specific when you talk to your Uber driver. You can’t say nothing like, “I’m by the bridge.” [audience laughing] There’s 1,700 bridges in this b!tch. “You mean the black bridge, the yellow bridge, the blue bridge that’s part Transformer that go up and down?” They don’t tell you that till you’re high on the balcony. “I think I saw the bridge move.” Beautiful shit. The military’s in the house. Where the military at? Make some noise for the military. Yeah. In the right parts of Jacksonville, you could feel safe. But they need to tell people that ain’t from here that there might be military helicopters flying past your balcony, or it will fuck up your whole blunt experience. I’m not speaking from knowledge. I’m just saying if you was… standing out there with a blunt and see two military helicopters, that’s the first time you swallow your whole blunt, lit and all. You: [grunting] N i g g a, that was the real military. Where the fuck is we at? In Jacksonville, you’ll see shit you don’t see nowhere else. Generally, you’d just go somewhere and look on the map and pick places out. Not– Mm-mm. You need a tour guide in Jacksonville from Jacksonville to tell you where you can and cannot go. You don’t just wanna be driving around, looking around. You’ll see some shit that’ll scare you as a n i g g a. “Confederate Park? What? [audience laughing] What the fuck am I doing by Confederate Park?” Most cities got one ‘hood. [audience laughing] See how the audience laughed at that? Most motherfucking cities got one ‘hood. The whole map is free. They tell you don’t go here. Not in Jacksonville. They got spots all around the map you should look out for. All the ‘hoods sound like… dangerous sitcoms. “Tonight, on another episode of Washington Heights.” Something going down on Washington Heights, I’m sure of that. If I know any of the ‘hoods in America, I know. “Stay tuned for another edition of Cleveland Arms.” [audience laughing] It’s got “arms” in the title. I know that’s dangerous. Eureka Gardens. [audience laughing] Eureka means “Surprise! Maybe you shouldn’t be here.” If you looking for gardens… Jacksonville do it big. It ain’t just ‘hoods, they got certain streets. If you even type it in your phone… your phone will not let you make it there. If you type in “Moncrief”… [audience cheering] your phone say, “Relocating.” [audience laughing] What? [chuckles] Just beautiful shit. Shit you only gonna have in Jacksonville. Jacksonville is the biggest motherfucker city out there. Every ten blocks is another motherfucking neighborhood. If you comfortable, don’t be comfortable too long. Enjoy yourself. Most places, when you go to the gas station, the only thing you gotta look at is the price of the gas. Not in Jacksonville. You gotta look at some other shit than the price of gas. You have to look at all the surroundings of the gas station. You ever decided you didn’t need gas as bad as you thought you did? [audience laughing] You ever gotten back in your car to not get the gas? “Oh, I don’t need this gas. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I can make it almost home if I keep on going. I’ll get a little closer to somewhere–” There’s 32 motherfuckers out there. They selling pit-bull puppies and frying fish. Mm-mm. I’m not gonna do all that for some gas, I’m not. Love Jacksonville. Jacksonville, they got shit at all ends. If you wanna shop, they got great shopping. They got great shopping, and then they got ‘hood shopping. [audience laughing] If you looking for the great shopping, you listen for the white-sounding official name. “Town center.” [audience cheering] That sounds official. “Town center.” We built this mall, then we built the rest of the town. The black mall sound like a club. “Going down to The Regency.” They got two-for-one drinks at The Regency. Who don’t wanna go there? Free before 11. One thing I like about Jacksonville is, no matter where you eat, all the food is good than a motherfucker. Y’all know how to eat in Jacksonville, everything. We had 12 things, everything was good. Go to Jacksonville Beach, they got white people making Caribbean food and shit. “Y’all ain’t got no Jamaicans back there? Who the fuck is jerking this chicken?” Let me find out a white woman is jerking this chicken like that. Most places you go, if you hear a crazy name, you can’t eat there. But here in motherfucking Jacksonville, if they tell you it’s good, it’s good. That motherfucking Soul Food Bistro. [audience cheering] I don’t even know if them n i g g a s know what “bistro” means, but it’s good as shit. Food so good, you be looking for a slave in the back like, “Who is making–? Show me somebody look like a slave back there. Who is putting they foot in this corn bread?” The real reason we love coming here is because when we come here we get a real taste of what the fuck America is. We get everybody in the same building at the same time at the same place in Jacksonville at the beautiful Florida Theatre. Y’all won’t believe who we got here. Where’s all the Hispanic people in the building? Make some noise. Hispanic people, is y’all in here? [speaks in Spanish] [audience cheering] Thank y’all for hanging out. Where’s the Filipinos in the building? Make some noise. Filipinos? Thank all 80 y’all for spreading around. Y’all didn’t even sit together. That was good as Filipinos, y’all spread out. Where’s all the white people? Make some noise, white people. [audience cheering] Look at white people sounding strong. [woman screams] Y’all still hanging with minorities in this administration. We appreciate that, white people. We know some of y’all had to sneak here on the Mayport Ferry. Black people, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. We can all feel safe tonight. [audience laughing] It’s beautiful. Beautiful. We got young people in the house. Where’s everybody 25 and under? Young people, where y’all at? Thank y’all so much for coming, we appreciate that, young people. Where’s all the rest of us? Where’s 25 and older? Make some noise. Okay, y’all grown in the motherfucker. I get it, y’all grown. If we could tell young people anything, we’d tell you: enjoy your motherfucking youth while you got it. Whatever the fuck you’re trying to do in your dreams and shit, do it right the fuck now… while your body is still with you. ‘Cause the rest of us will tell you this getting-old shit is for the birds. That shit do not let off. Once it’s on your ass, that’s it. Your ass fitting to get old right now. It’s fucked up. Fucked up. We didn’t know it was gonna be like this. I used to laugh at my grandfather making all that noise getting out the bed. He: [grunting] I’m there judging this shit. “Look at this lazy-ass n i g g a. He know there ain’t nothing wrong with him at 6:30 in the goddamn morning.” Now we’re getting older, we see. This shit is for the birds. Your mind is still young, but your body has checked the fuck out. Ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn’t listen? You was like, “It’s time to get out of bed now. [audience laughing] I’m gonna get out of bed now. I’m gonna lay here ten more minutes and get my shit together.” Your body has given the fuck up. You start getting older, you gotta change shit. I used to be able to watch TV all night long. Not no more. Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep. ‘Cause these motherfucking commercials is too scary and too not specific. You scared and don’t even know what the fuck you scared of. I’m not the only person here who think he might maybe could possibly have mesothelioma. [audience laughing] Don’t none of us know what the fuck it is. They just keep scaring us with it. “You might have it. You might have it. It’s worth some money.” Every time I cough, I think I done caught it. [coughing] Now, I’ve fucked around and caught mesothelioma. I drank that miso soup that one time. I think that’s where it come from, I’m not sure. It’s fucked up. You start getting old, and shit change. You gotta deal with it. When you young, the only way you can hurt yourself is if you in an accident. You start getting older, you can fuck yourself up not doing a goddamn thing. You young, you had to hurt yourself to be in an accident. You get older, you see your friend, he got a cast on all his ribs and shit. “Goddamn, n i g g a, did you get in a car accident?” “No, I fucked around and… yawned too fast and caught– [audience laughing] I caught my body off guard. I wasn’t stretching or nothing like that, like I should. I just, out of nowhere, yawned. [buzzing] Ripped all of that up right there.” It’s fucked up. It’s what starts happening when you start getting older. You start getting older, shit that wasn’t a problem is a problem. When you was younger, if you was 5 pounds overweight, all you needed to do was take one good shit. [audience laughing] You was back at your original weight. “I knew I ate a little bit too much two days ago. I knew that.” You start getting older, if you let 10 pounds get on you, that b!tch is there to stay. You like, “When the fuck is this leaving?” It ain’t never leaving, you have to keep on working. I saw some shit that fucked me up, though. Sometimes, you got so many channels, you be going through and you just stop on something to see what it is, and it’s running on a marathon, and before you know it, you done watched 88 episodes. This show fucked me up. They got a show called My 600-lb– [audience shouting indistinctly] When you was younger, if you saw something fucked up, you just had nightmares. This is worse. I ain’t never seen no shit like this. Not 600 pounds. Legs everywhere, bumps on them and shit. Ah! Motherfucker do nothing but talk, shit, and eat. “Where’s my breakfast?” He is pimping this b!tch. She’s frying eggs and– “I’m coming.” She like the drug dealer. They go, “I don’t know how he get this big.” Yes, you do, b!tch! This motherfucker can’t even get out of the bed. Your ass making him 12 square meals a day. What the fuck? Watching that shit, I can’t even eat in bed no more. It’s fucked up. You start getting older, shit changes. When you younger, you don’t go to the hospital for nothing. Whatever it is, it’s gonna heal itself. When you start getting older, you know Jesus is at the hospital. You need to check in with Jesus. Catch him on the mainline IV. I think it’s got something in it, you gonna love it. It’s fucked up. My last young day was last Christmas. Played basketball in somebody’s backyard, got fouled, ran into a wall, damn near killed myself. And I thought I had saved myself ’cause I saved my face… with my arm. I saved my face with my arm. But when my arm hit the ground, it sounded like Transformers. It said: [mimicking mechanical sounds] And my brain said, “Get the fuck up off the ground, n i g g a.” My arm said, “If you get us up off the ground, you gonna have to put us in your pocket n i g g a, ’cause we are done.” I got right up off the ground and went right to the hospital. White people, I know that don’t sound amazing. You get hurt, you supposed to go to the hospital. As a n i g g a, if you get up off the ground and go directly to the hospital, that means you thought you was fitting to die that day. I’m in the hospital, looking at the doctor, holding my arm like a baby. I said, “I don’t know what you fitting to do… but every time I blink, it feels like somebody’s tearing my arm out the socket.” He said, “Don’t worry, I’ll put you on some medication.” I said, “With all due respect, I’ve been smoking the best weed in the country, and medication is not gonna get it.” He said, “You do your job, let me do my job.” He wrote me out two prescriptions. One for tramadol, and one for Percocet. Now, I don’t know if y’all done had them separately, but if you take them b!tches together, it’ll make you a superhero in this b!tch. You walking around, looking for small crimes. Saying shit no n i g g a has ever said before. “Shoot me right in the chest. I ain’t even gonna feel it. I can’t feel shit.” You have to be careful. Your doctor’s give you all that strong-ass motherfucking medication, they don’t tell you what the fuck it’s gonna do… when they all get together. You gonna believe that ass Tiger Woods. Tiger was in the police department, looking like a baby giraffe and shit. [audience laughing] One, two, three, four, five, six. Strong-ass medication. Gotta be careful out there, it’s a new world. Myself? I ain’t getting in no more motherfucking trouble for shit. I know what administration this is. I ain’t doing shit. I done join the Boy Scouts, the Jehovah Witness, the Amish. It’s fucked up. I saw that Philando Castile motherfucking video. That changed my motherfucking life. Fuck out of here. That is not supposed to motherfucking happen. That n i g g a wasn’t even driving. Had his seat belt on and everything. You shot him with his baby right there. Get the fuck out of here. I got some new shit, though. I’m fitting to buy me a self-driving car. [audience laughing] I’m gonna be in the back seat. You pull me over, “I don’t know what to tell you. Talk to the driver. [audience cheering] Mm-mm. Talk to the driver, officer, I’m sorry. I’m here in the back seat, reading the Bible. I’m naked with a little pit-bull puppy. He’s in his seat belt.” Just saying. ‘Cause it’s a new world out there. This new election changed everything. Everything has changed. And don’t worry, white people, we not gonna talk politics. We not gonna say who voted for who. [audience laughing] We’re not gonna get into that. We learned white people know how to keep a secret. Y’all didn’t tell us shit this election. Not nothing. We didn’t know white people was up to something until they started showing white people in line voting. And all the white people looked like they had a secret to keep this year. [audience laughing] I think white people is up to something. I can’t wait to see what 2018 gonna be. 2017 is already a doozy. We– We used to seeing people be wrong. We ain’t never seen nobody be this wrong. CNN was wrong, wrong, wrong. CNN was talking big shit before the election. They had the map up, had all the states highlighted and shit. They was talking big shit. “There’s no way that Trump can win this unless he wins here, here, here, and here.” The moment they came back from commercial, they was sweating and crying and shit. [audience laughing] They was bringing all the neighborhoods up separately. “Where’s the n i g g a’s vote at?” White people done took over now. Shit that used to be black ain’t black no more. First thing white people took over was rioting. Yes. Riots used to be some black shit. We’d get so mad, we riot! White people done took it over. Let me just say in front of all these minorities, y’all are terrible at it, white people. We taught y’all better than this. Y’all had a million white people out there, y’all didn’t do no damage at all. Y’all out there obeying the crosswalks, and passing out orange slices. Walking in single-file lines, and– White people, we taught y’all better than this. If it’s a riot, you gotta be willing to fuck some shit up. Y’all can’t fuck the shit up ’cause y’all own the shit, so y’all out there fucking it up and cleaning it up at the same time. Not a riot, white people. White people just out there shaking they signs hard and shit. [audience laughing] “What you doing, using the Shake Weight?” “I’m rioting, goddamn it, I’m rioting.” It’s just a new change, it’s a new era. They say you don’t miss what you got till it’s gone. And Barack Obama is gone, children. Oh, I miss that n i g g a. [Katt groans] That n i g g a ain’t never coming back. Every time you see this n i g g a, he doing more white activities. He out there parasailing and shit, swimming with the sharks and Michael Phelps, riding horses bareback. Barack Obama, get back here. N i g g a, we need you. You ain’t never heard of overtime, n i g g a? Shit. Just give us four, five months to get on our feet right now. It’s crazy. They don’t wanna give Barack Obama no credit for nothing. Everything he did, they’re trying to tear it apart. If Barack Obama said, “Spit on the street,” they’ll say the opposite. Won’t give that n i g g a no credit for nothing. That n i g g a did a great job while he was the commander in chief of these United States. He know what he did. We gonna miss him. We gonna miss him. And who was with him every step of the way? Michelle Obama. Showing the world what a real black stallion look like in real life. [neighing] [audience cheering] Showing that ass money can’t buy. That’s collard greens and corn bread and a PhD. Whole family did a good job. Sasha and Malia did a good job. They wasn’t ever pregnant, or kicked out of school, or none of that shit. Even their little nappy-headed dog did a good job. He wasn’t ever shitting in the front yard of the White House, getting caught on TMZ. We gotta understand that time is over. Black people, we already had our time. We already had the first black president. Now it’s time for the first Flamin’ Hot Cheeto president. So, little orange boys and girls know that they, too, can make it. If your hair’s fucked up, this is your president. I can do what I want with this hair. I can do anything. That’s why I look like a civil-rights leader, ’cause that’s what I need to be looking like to the police. Fucked up. But it’s new shit now. Trump is in there, and Trump didn’t wait. We didn’t have to worry what the fuck Trump was fitting to do. Trump got on that shit immediately. Day one, Trump was on his shit. He announced his motherfucking cabinet. It was Hitler, Satan, Darth Vader. Goddamn, Trump. What the fuck is you fitting to do? [audience laughing] He showed up with Stormtroopers and shit. [humming] Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump don’t follow nobody’s rules. The president supposed to be at the White House. Our president is wherever the fuck he wanna be. He in New York, he in the South, playing golf. Our president don’t give a fuck. They used to say, “Will your president be awake at 3:00 in the morning to answer the phone if it rings?” Shit, yeah, our president is up. Our president is a vampire. That motherfucker sent 23 tweets at 12:30, what the fuck is you talking about? That motherfucker is on it. [audience laughing] We done already seen what America could be like… if they had a nice, sensible president. Now, we’re fitting to see what America is like with a motherfucking bully in that b!tch. Trump don’t give a fuck. The president’s supposed to think of something, then talk with the Senate and Congress, pass a bill, and then do it. Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump sent off 50 missiles to Syria while he was in his bathroom with an Xbox One controller. [audience laughing] “See what they say when they see that shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. That motherfucker is on it, whatever the fuck it is. Barack Obama was in office eight years, he did eight things. Eight years in office, he did eight things. Trump’s been in office 100 days. He’s done 100 fucked-up things. He wakes up and signs another fucked-up piece of paper. “Wait till they see this when they wake the fuck up.” Trump do not sleep. He don’t play by no rules. He don’t care what the rules is, he do not play them. He did a speech for Black History Month. He don’t even know which n i g g a s is which. [audience laughing] He thought Ben Carson was Frederick Douglass. You don’t believe me. He looked at Ben Carson and said: “Frederick Douglass has been doing a great job. He’s been getting more and more recognition every day.” He looked at Omarosa and said, “And Harriet Tubman has been doing a great job out in the community as well.” It’s fucked up. It’s getting dangerous out there. As black people, minorities, we’re used to just being able to watch the news a little bit and then walk off. Not with Trump. N i g g a s is watching the news like it’s the playoffs. [audience laughing] “They say anything about n i g g a s yet? We got one more day then. One more day.” Hispanic people, since y’all in here, I’m gonna let y’all know. Black people is y’alls friends. If they come after y’all, they got to come after us. And I can say that because we know… if they start coming after y’all… [audience laughing] we next anyway. Don’t worry, Hispanic people. We will open up that Underground Railroad so quick. We got the blueprints. Black people, we got enough problems in America. We don’t need no more problems. Once they start coming for Hispanics, there’ll be a bunch of light-skin n i g g a s stuck at the border. N i g g a s gonna say, “I’m not supposed to be here! I don’t even speak Spanish.” Trump in office, we don’t know what the fuck may happen next. We thought he was gonna be at war right away. We was like, “We can’t figure out who gonna catch it first. Is it gonna be Russia? Is it gonnab!tch be China? Syria? Iran? Iraq? North Korea? Who the fuck is fitting to get it?” We find out, public enemy number one is Kathy Griffin. Kathy Griffin? Ain’t that a b!tch? Get the fuck out of here. I thought for sure Trump was gonna have a sense of motherfucking humor. What the fuck? You the president now, you can’t take a joke, motherfucker? You announced your presidency on Comedy Central, motherfucker, after a roast. It’s fucked up. I tried to tell people on the last tour. It was called Conspiracy Theory. I tried to tell people what the fuck was fitting to happen. And it done fucked around and happened. We said Trump had a chance because he was exciting, and America loves excitement. And Trump’s been saying exciting shit the whole time. He say shit you ain’t never heard nobody say ever. Trump said, “We are gonna build a wall, and… we gonna make Mexico pay for it.” Black people all over the world went, “Mexico? [audience laughing] What type of Mexicans does he know? He must not know no eses , or no vatos. You ain’t gonna make them n i g g a s do shit.” But why the fuck is we talking about building a wall? The Mexican people have shown us they are professional at building a tunnel on your motherfucking ass. They broke El Chapo out while they was looking at him. We went through that. That’s how he got here. They showed that tunnel. That tunnel was as big as this stage. Had hardwood floors, linoleum, Berber carpeting, central air conditioning, vending machines. They picked him up in a golf cart and took him to a burro. [audience laughing] I don’t know why Trump was talking about immigration in the first place. His motherfucking b!tch ain’t from here. She’s from somewhere else. She’s from Cashnadastan. White people don’t look like that. Y’all need to check on that woman. Every time you look at her, she looks like a hostage in an interview. [audience laughing] “Someone please help me. I am not supposed to be here. This is not what I signed up for.” Right then, I said, “Okay, Trump ain’t gonna say no more shit that throws me off guard.” Then Trump said the shit that shocked the world. You was watching the news. Had your breakfast blunt, it scared you and your breakfast blunt. “Trump said, ‘Grab them by the pussy.’” [audience laughing] Even gangster n i g g a s were shocked. “What? Where the fuck they do that at? Here we been shaking b!tches’ hands and hugging and shit.” Trump don’t give a fuck. You can tell he really be grabbing b!tches by the pussy, too. If you watch the news, Melania will not grab that motherfucker’s hand for nothing. Every time she grab for his hand, she do karate. “I know where your hand’s been, motherfucker. You are not…” Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump makes his own rules. Trump was on the news. They asked Trump about the leaks. Trump said, “The leaks are real, but the news is fake.” [audience laughing] “I heard about the leaks on the news, sir. You are confusing me.” That’s like the police pull you over, you tell them the blunt ain’t real, but the smoke is. “Take your ass to real jail then, since you are…” It’s a new world out there. You just gotta know what’s true and let that be true to you. Don’t let them change what your idea of true is. They try to tell us shit ain’t right, and we know what the answers are. They try to tell us ain’t no global warming. Get the fuck out of here, motherfucker. We live on this globe. We know there’s global warming. What the fuck happened to winter? Won’t nobody say shit? Winter is gone! When we was kids, winter was 19 months long. Snowmen used to last for four, five months. Now, winter is gone. Winter used to be from September to April. Then winter was from November to March. Now winter is just in Alaska and New York, that’s it. [audience laughing] Nobody else has seen a winter at all. “Ain’t no global warming.” Yes, it is. Shit’s getting aggressive. Shit’s getting more aggressive. Fast food is getting more aggressive. Fast food used to be just a decision you made. Now they’re getting aggressive, and we gotta know when to draw the line. Taco Bell done started… trying to trap n i g g a s. [audience laughing] I gotta go all around the country warning my people to beware. Taco Bell is trying to trap n i g g a s, yes. They made a taco out of chicken meat. Yeah, trying to trap n i g g a s in there. We got to draw the line. No, Taco Bell. No. If we don’t stop them now, they’ll have chitlin chimichangas and hog maw nachos. No. We don’t want no corn bread churro. Make them regular. [audience laughing] Fast food done got more aggressive. You know who I blame for that shit. That motherfucking Popeyes lady. I love Popeyes, but I can’t stand that motherfucking Popeyes lady. That b!tch is a slave. Every time you hear her, she’s singing that slave-ass chicken song. ♪ Love that chicken From Popeye ♪ Shut the fuck up, b!tch. I’m gonna let you know, white people, that b!tch does not speak for all n i g g a s. We’ve been frying chicken for 400, 500 goddamn years. This b!tch coming up with new recipes. She ain’t checked with n i g g a s at all. [audience laughing] Every two weeks, she got a new chicken n i g g a s have never heard of. “Try our new ghost pepper chicken.” Wait a minute, b!tch. N i g g a s don’t even believe in ghosts. You done get that voodoo-ass chicken out of here, b!tch. We are Christians on this side, I’ll have you know. Fuck that b!tch. Every time she do a commercial, there’s got to be some coonery and shit. She got Jerry Rice looking like Scatman Crothers with Vaseline on his face, with a helmet on, eating chicken wings and dancing and shit. Everybody getting more aggressive. The most aggressive is Arby’s. Arby’s is aggressive. Every 45 seconds, Arby’s got three new sandwiches and a brand-new commercial. They trying to gangster n i g g a s into coming in there. [scatting] “We have the meats.” That don’t even sound attractive. Stop saying that. That does not sound good. Poor Arby’s. Arby’s is desperate. Arby’s been cooking for 150 years. They just found out n i g g a s do not eat roast beef. [audience laughing] Every n i g g a in here know where a roast-beef sandwich is, at Arby’s. You wouldn’t go to Arby’s to save your life. If Jesus came back to an Arby’s, you’d have meet him in the parking lot. “No, Jesus, I’m right outside, soon as you come outside the door. I can’t eat nothing out of there but the curly fries and the Jamocha Shake. That’s the only thing my stomach…” [audience cheering] You go to Arby’s. Arby’s got 500 items on the menu. I went to Arby’s, they gave me a sandwich with meatloaf, corn beef, brisket, pulled ham, turkey, two fish sticks, a crab cake, a dollop of coleslaw, on two pieces of hot-water corn bread for $1.29. It came with two bag of chips and three drinks. “Please come to Arby’s.” They desperate. Now, I know that I talk a lot about race. I don’t want people to think it’s more racist than it usually is. It’s the same. They don’t hate all n i g g a s. They just like some more than others. If you tall and dark with a deep voice, they love your motherfucking ass. That n i g g a is selling the shit out them Allstate commercials. [in deep voice] “You’re in good hands… with Allstate.” [in normal voice] White people are like, “I trust him. I think he has our best interests at heart.” You tall and dark with a deep voice, they love you. That n i g g a’s selling the shit out them ADT commercials. Ving Rhames is right in the front camera. [as Ving Rhames] “Don’t you even think about coming in here.” [in normal voice] Get your black ass out of this front yard before we both get shot. Come in here, ADT. You tall and dark, they love you. Samuel L. Jackson is selling the shit out them Capital One commercials. That n i g g a be cleaner than the Board of Health. He just sound too edgy at the end, like he might maybe could rob you. “What’s in your wallet?” Goddamn, Sam. What the fuck? You still out there, n i g g a? It’s a new world out there. Gotta take care of yourself, eat right, drink right. They got a flu virus out there that’s killing people. The flu is already bullshit. You don’t need to catch the flu and die. Don’t worry about me. I can’t catch the flu. A lot of y’all don’t know, every time you go to jail… you get a flu shot, so… I done had 22 flu shots. I can’t legally catch the flu until 2026 I think it is. I can’t get the flu, tuberculosis. None of that shit. I go to jail, they don’t take my picture. They let me pick from my book. “Which one of these do you like? You can pick any one.” It’s a new world out there. It’s a new world. When we was young, they use to tell us shit like: “By the time you grow up, computers is gonna be running the world.” We thought that was impossible. “Ain’t no way no motherfucking computers gonna be interacting with us. Shit.” If you got Siri and Alexa, your ass is in a threesome. [audience laughing] I’m in love with them b!tches. I talk to Siri and Alexa about all my troubles. First of all, these b!tches don’t back-talk none. They’re so polite. They wait for you to call their name first. “Alexa, what time is it?” She don’t say, “N i g g a, find your own clock.” [audience laughing] Gonna be new shit in the future. They already making robots right now that can fuck. Ladies, I’m warning y’all now. [audience laughing] Get your pussy game together. [audience laughing] Hurry before these robot b!tches get here. It’s gonna be some shit. You think n i g g a s is bad with they phone, wait till they get a robot b!tch. That b!tch run out of her charge. “I need a cord. I need a USB real fast. My computer b!tch done went down. Hurry.” “I got her in the shop getting her pussy tightened up. It wasn’t the way I wanted.” You fuck her and she play ESPN. It’s beautiful. You ain’t never had no shit like this. That’s okay, ladies. Don’t worry. We ain’t gonna never leave y’all for robots, ’cause first time you fuck over one of them robots… that’s your ass. You think a regular b!tch will shut down your life, wait till you piss off a robot b!tch. You wake up, this b!tch done shut your lights off, your cable is off. She done quit your job with a long letter signed with your name. “Goddamn, computer b!tch.” B!tch sent your dick pics all out to the community and shit. She done turn into Rob Kardashian and shit. What are you doing, computer? You just gotta remember to laugh… and make as many changes as you can in your life. Sometimes little small shit can change shit. Little small shit. Watch this. Where’s all the single people? Make some noise. Single people, is y’all out there? [audience cheering] -Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sounding strong. Where’s all the relationships in the building? Make some noise. [audience cheering] Okay. Y’all sound boo’d up in Jacksonville. [audience laughing] Some of y’all is with two somebodies. They in the back hiding off-camera and shit. Whether you single or you in a relationship, take this little piece of advice, add it to your life. It’s gonna change shit. Do more fucking. Didn’t that sound simple? Do more fucking. It’ll change your life. Do it. If you single, you should be fucking every chance you get. Just in case. You never know. And if you in a relationship, do more fucking. And, women, I’m not talking to y’all. I know y’all are always ready, ready, ready. I’m talking to men. We only wanna give her perfect dick. No. Give her all the dicks. Give her happy dick, sad dick, angry dick. She loves angry dick. “Gee, I don’t know what done got into him, but this is finally what I’ve been talking about right here. This is exactly…” [audience laughing] Just saying. Do… more fucking. It’s important. It’s important. You gotta do more. You gotta do more. Now, understand… and do more fucking. And that means all parts of it. Do more fucking. Watch this. Where’s the men in the building? Make some noise. Men, is y’all in the building? Make some noise. [men shouting] All right. How many of y’all men, by round of applause, know that Viagra works its ass off? Make some noise. [scattered shouting] Thank all 12 of y’all for your honesty and your dedication. The rest of you lying sacks of shit… Some of you men tried to break your hands not clapping. [audience laughing] “What’d he say? ‘Who’s been to Niagara?’ I ain’t never been to Niagara, if that’s what he’s saying.” Every man in here knows Viagra works. Most shit for men does not work. Viagra is not one of them. Viagra works its ass off. That shit works too good. Every man either knows it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it. For the first time in your life, you said your prayer with your dick in your hand. Just, “Heavenly Father, this is your humble servant, Lord. You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus. And if you would just lay those same mighty hands on my penile region…” You either know it ’cause you needed it, you prayed to God for it… or you didn’t need it, you just figured you’d try it, see what the fuck it would do before you did need it. But either way, you know Viagra works its ass off. As soon as you swallow it, it goes right to your dick immediately. You like, “Wait a minute. I’m not even ready yet.” [audience laughing] You be trying to figure out: “Is it gonna make my dick big enough for me to notice?” Shit, Viagra make your dick bigger than you have ever seen it before in your life. You don’t even wanna touch it, it look like another n i g g a’s dick. You just looking at it, just– [“I’m Lit” playing on speakers] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit I’m lit, I’m lit, I’m lit ♪ [music stops] That’s your “I’m walking with a new dick” walk. Viagra’s the shit. That shit work too good. It make your dick hard as a rock and make your head hurt at the same time. You are delivering pleasure and receiving pain. You just: [grunting and groaning] [audience laughing] It’s fucked up. That shit work too good. As a man, you and your penis got mental telepathy. If you say it, your dick does it. If it’s time to pee, your dick pees. Time to shake, your dick shakes. Viagra make your dick ignore you for the first time in life. I specifically said to my dick, and I quote, “That’s about enough now. Go on and wrap it up.” My dick know when I say that, that means we have done what the fuck we came to do. It’s time to hit the dismount, get some sleep. I told my dick to wrap it up. My dick said: [“Boss Moves” playing on speakers] ♪ All my ho’s make boss moves ♪ ♪ All my fellas make boss moves ♪ ♪ Yo, n i g g a, you can be a boss, too All my n i g g a s make– ♪ [music stops] Fellas, you ever fuck so long you don’t even know what to do no more? You done used all your moves and shit? It’s an out-of-body experience. You start criticizing your own dick. “This is wrong, right here. She gotta be at work at 6:30 in the morning, and here I am at 4:35.” That shit works. But I didn’t bring up Viagra… to talk to the men. I brought up Viagra to talk to the ladies. New shit. I’ve been talking about it for two years. It’s finally happening. 2018, they gonna be selling it. It’s gonna change everything. They are finally fitting to sell female Viagra. [woman cheers] Did you hear that? That wasn’t women. That was old vaginas waking up for the first time tonight. [audience laughing] “What did that n i g g a say?” She ain’t gave that pussy away since the Prohibition. That’s fresh. She got cobwebs on it and everything is fresh. Saran Wrap. That’s right, ladies. Female Viagra is coming. It’s fitting to change everything. The pussy game is already vicious, wait till this old kitty cat get back on the market. They say the female Viagra is stronger than the men’s. Yeah, they say even if you 62, it’ll bring you back to when you was at your hottest. Look at the cougars. Rawr. [audience laughing] That’s gonna change the game. Right now, young girls is running things. But you wait till that old classic get out. Men know there ain’t but two types of pussy, the old classic pussy and the new classic. That old classic is a classic for a reason. It’s got its own classic rules, that old classic. A young girl, you just get her to bed and start fucking. Not that old classic. Oh, no. You got to warm up that engine first. You gotta prime that engine. You… [mimicking sputtering engine] Have to grab that b!tch by the nipples and shit. Have to keep checking her fluids. “She ain’t ready yet. She is not ready.” [mimicking sputtering engine] You’ll know when she ready, ’cause she gonna crank up. [mimicking revving engine] Like, “This b!tch got a 450 under there. This is a real classic right here.” That’s that old classic. Young girl wanna come all night long. Not that old classic. Oh, no. She just wanna come one time. She wanna come hard as hell. She want it to shake the room. Boo! She ain’t got time to be fucking all night. She got shit in the Crock-Pot she got to look after. “I stir these at 3 and at 7 like clockwork. I never miss it. That’s my secret.” That’s that old classic. She don’t wanna come but one time, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Oh, no. You have to be ready to do 49 to 52 minutes of hard work. You gonna have to use hard dick and creativity. ‘Cause she can’t move this hip… and this knee. You might have to fuck that b!tch in a rocking chair. [audience laughing] “Can you feel that, Mee-Maw?” That’s that old classic. Just saying, do more fucking. Some of you women are lucky. You are sitting right now with a man with great dick. Don’t make no noise. [audience laughing] Y’all know how these Jacksonville ho’s is. [audience laughing] Soon as y’all made noise, that b!tch look like vultures. They’ll do a flyby on your relationship. “What the fuck is this b!tch clapping for? That ain’t nobody but Gerald, girl. Nobody but Gerald.” It’s true. It’s true. Some of you women is sitting here with men with great dick. And notice I didn’t say “big dick.” I said “great dick.” Cos I don’t know sizes. I know mine is as big as it’s ever gonna be, and I leave it at that. As men, we know if we got great dick, and your woman know, too. Some of you men look confused. You don’t know if you got regular dick… or if you got great dick. This is how you know, fellas, if you got great dick. If you can let your woman see your penis before it gets hard. You can walk right up to the bed, “You need anything out the kitchen? [audience laughing] I’m gonna get some ice-cold sweet tea and I’ll be ready to lay that hammer down.” That mean you got it. That’s that great dick. If you got regular dick, your ass gotta hide all around the bedroom till your dick get right. You behind the TV and shit. All behind the curtains and the plants. “I’ll be right there.” [audience laughing] That’s great dick. Women don’t think we know. Women think all vagina is the same to us. No the fuck it ain’t. We know when we done laid it down, but we don’t say shit. As a man, we don’t say shit. We just walk away, go in the bathroom, shut the door, turn on the shower. We don’t even get in the shower. We be looking in the mirror. [“Freedom” playing on speakers] ♪ We got to do this now ♪ ♪ Let me show you how ♪ ♪ Before the time– ♪ [music stops] Thank y’all so much. I appreciate y’all. [audience cheering] [“Bad Guy” playing on speakers] ♪ Feelin’ like O.J. I know they goin’ get me ♪ ♪ But, b!tch, not today ♪ ♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪ ♪ I don’t give a fuck What the sentence is ♪ ♪ I’m still fittin’ to get it in ♪ ♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪ ♪ I’m already free ♪ ♪ But I’m still in court ♪ ♪ I got a lot on my docket ♪ ♪ Tryin’ to fuck a n i g g a’s life up Tryin’ to fuck a n i g g a’s life up ♪ ♪ Gotta clean it like Lysol ♪ ♪ Move up at the courtroom ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BRIAN REGAN: NUNCHUCKS AND FLAMETHROWERS (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-nunchucks-flamethrowers-transcript/

[audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome Brian Regan! [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause] Well, it was my New Year’s resolution to lose 15 pounds this year. I’ve only got 25 pounds to go. [audience laughing] Little by little. [audience laughing] I gained ten pounds just for that joke. That’s how dedicated I am. I learned there are milestones in putting on a few pounds. Little moments where you go, “Hey, that was new.” It used to be I’d put on my underwear, and that was it. I’d just get on with my day. You put on a few pounds, put on your underwear, you bend over, and your waistband flips down. [audience laughing] You stand back up, and it flaps back into place… with an awkward little snap: [mimics snapping sound] Whoa. That hurt and felt nice. [audience laughing] Then you put on a few more pounds, you bend over, your waistband flips down. And when you stand back up, it doesn’t flap back into place. [audience laughing] Hey, where was the awkward little snap? I hit a brand-new milestone. The other day, I put on my underwear, I didn’t even have to bend over. My waistband just flipped down. [audience laughing] I think. I’m at the point I have to ask, “Is my underwear on?” [audience laughing] How would I know? You get compliments when you put on weight. I had a woman come up to me after a show, and she said, “You are so smart to wear vertical stripes.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Thank you. That’s very cagy how you threw a cloak over an insult with a compliment. That’s like saying, “You are so gracious not to show your ugly face in public.” [audience laughing] Have you heard? People think I’m smart and gracious. Somebody told me TV adds ten pounds. I didn’t believe it till I was watching this nature show about ants, and I was like: -Wow! -[audience laughing] “Those things look like they weigh 10.0001 pounds.” I immediately called the exterminator. I’m trying, man. I have a trainer, a woman. We play tennis. She beats me every time. A couple of weeks ago, I beat her for the first time, she didn’t say anything, I thought that was weird. I didn’t wanna say something, “I beat you!” It’s okay. We put the rackets away, she says, “My husband and I have an announcement to make.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” She goes, “I’m five months pregnant.” [audience laughing] So, I beat a pregnant woman at tennis. [audience laughing] I beat the both of you. Neither of you could handle this action. Tennis is weird. The scoring system per game in tennis is mathematically ludicrous. It doesn’t make even a little bit of sense. First of all, there’s no zero. If you don’t have any points, you have to say “love.” If you don’t say it like that, your opponent gets upset. -“How many points you have, Brian?” -“Um, I think you know. I’ve never touched the ball ever. I have zero.” “You have love.” [gasps] “It don’t feel like it.” [audience laughing] Why do you say it like that? You don’t say it with other things, like your checking account. “Oh, no. [audience laughing] I’ve got love.” Be careful. That’s the smart part of the scoring system. If you get your first shot in, he’ll go, “You got 15.” “No, that’s not possible. We just arrived.” You get the next shot in, you get another 15, to a total of 30. “Oh, okay. I got it. Say no more.” But you get the next shot in, you get ten points… to a total of 40. No explanation as to why this ratio… is any different from the first two volleys. Ten, so say the random gods. I award ten at this juncture for no apparent reason. [audience laughing] If both of you have 40, that’s deuce, which I thought meant two. If you get the winning shot, there’s not a point value. He’ll just go, “Game.” [audience laughing] “How many points did I get?” “Game. What are you worried about points for?” I thought we were keeping a ridiculous tally. Ah. All that mental gymnastics is out the window. Love, 15, 30, 40. Game. How come somebody didn’t go to that first meeting, that first scoring system meeting? Um… [audience laughing] “I know I’m late… [audience laughing] and I hope I’m not out of line. I see all that trigonometry you have on the board. And I can only imagine you’ve already discussed this, but… instead of that, why not zero, one, two, three, four?” [chuckles] “Okay, Charlie. You hear Charlie’s idea? Charlie thinks little numbers… is better than love, 15, 30, 40, deuce, my ad, 30, 50, your ad. He thinks little numbers is better than all that.” Another thing I don’t like about tennis. Why are you allowed two tries for every single serve? You get a mulligan every serve? “Give me the ball back, I hit it into the net. Give me the ball.” “I get a point?” “No, we’re playing the most lenient game in the history of sports. I can make error after error after error after error and still be in this game. Give me the ball. Give me the ball.” The hell? Can you imagine seeing that in other sports? A quarterback looking at a defensive back with a football? “Give me the ball back. Where do you think you’re going with that? Bring me the ball back. I did not wanna throw that interception. [yelling] Give me the ball back. Give me the ball back.” So, why in tennis do they allow that? That encourages people who play three times in their whole life. They know every first shot is a freebie, so they try to land some rocket… that don’t have a chance in hell of ever touching down on the planet Earth. [mimics ball bouncing] [whooshing] [yells] They hit some shooting star across the street. It lands on the roof of some warehouse. [audience laughing] They know the next one has to get in, so they morph into a complete different player. Boink. [audience laughing] “Wanna explain what that first scud was all about?” “We got three balls in the can. Relax.” “You see little Wimbledon boys running these down? If it goes over the fence, I’m not gonna get it.” “Ball’s over the fence, Brian.” He’s like, “How many do we have left?” “Love. [audience laughing] Let’s get out of here.” [cheering and applause] There have been changes in our country since last time. [audience laughing] I don’t know if anybody saw that blurb in the newspaper, but… I believe there’s a new president. I’ve never been more afraid to bring up a subject in my life. [audience laughing] Not politically, socially, you know? Just going to barbecues. “Are we gonna be talking politics or having fun? [audience laughing] I wanna play horseshoes. I don’t wanna be yelled at. I just saw the Hatfields and McCoys peel out. Couldn’t take the tension.” “Calm down.” No matter what a president does, somebody’s unhappy. There’s controversy about every decision. Like whether we should put boots on the ground in the Mideast. Some say yes, some say no. I think when you hear that term, “boots on the ground,” you assume that means soldiers in those boots. I say we drop a bunch of boots on them. [audience laughing] Planeload after planeload. Just keep shoving boots out. They won’t know what hit them. Like: “What is with all these boots on the ground?” Just keep dropping our best boots till they’re up to their neck. “There’s too many boots on the ground!” You ever try to be evil up to your neck in boots? It’s practically impossible. Problem solved. Speaking of problems… I read this headline. This blew me away. Apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are not getting along. [audience laughing] When did that happen? I go on a short vacation… I don’t know how they’ll solve the issues. They tried violence. Hasn’t worked. Nothing’s worked. But you know what they haven’t tried? And I think it’s worth a shot. They haven’t tried a good dad. ‘Cause a good dad can solve a problem in 30 seconds. I say we send a good dad over there. “What in the hell is going on over here?” [audience laughing] “Well, he started it.” “No, he started it.” “I don’t care who started it. Knock it off!” [cheering and applause] “Why are you fighting anyway?” “Well, this is mine.” “No, it’s mine.” “How about if it was neither of yours? [audience laughing] How about if I took it away from both of you? Figure out how to share it, say you love each other, sleep. We’ll have a fantastic day tomorrow.” [cheering and applause] If that doesn’t work, I have a proposal. They should make a rule that you can no longer answer a question with a question. ‘Cause that leads nowhere. That’s how they answer everything about that conflict. “Should you guys be shooting rockets?” “Should they be building settlements?” [audience laughing] “Whose was this 100 years ago?” “Whose was this 1000 years ago?” [cheering and applause] All great questions. Now that I know it’s okay to answer a question with a question, I’ll use that the next time a cop pulls me over. [audience laughing] “Do you know how fast you were going?” “Do you know why you like eating donuts? [audience laughing] Looks like we’re at a stalemate.” [audience laughing] Hey, this is cool. Kim Jong-un is one of my Facebook friends. I couldn’t believe it. [audience laughing] He’s always liking my stuff. “Hey, I like that.” Thanks, Kim Jong-un. I read recently, absolute truth, they said Kim Jong-un is considering outlawing sarcasm in North Korea. Wow. I wonder if he proposed that and one of his generals said, “Oh, yeah. That’ll work.” [audience laughing] I don’t understand North Korea’s public relations program. They keep releasing pictures of Kim Jong-un looking through binoculars. Is that supposed to intimidate us? Listen, if you can see your enemy through binoculars… you’ve already lost. [audience laughing] I’ve been watching these senate hearings. Those things are bizarre. The way they talk to each other at that level is so strange. At our level, if we don’t like somebody, we say like, “Hey, I don’t like you.” At that level, they’re nice for four minutes, and on the fifth minute, they kick them in the teeth. “First, I wanna thank you for coming and answering our questions. On a personal note, I had the pleasure of working with you on the Arms Services Committee. You care about your constituents. On the education bill, you did a lot of work. I know you care about charities, and that’s to be commended. Why do you lie, cheat and steal?” [audience laughing] I went to one city council meeting. Man, was I disappointed. These people wanted to build a building that was higher than what the law allowed. So, I didn’t know why there was a meeting. [audience laughing] Can I go to a city council meeting, “Um, I’m tired of stopping at red lights”? [audience laughing] Yet there was a meeting to discuss this. The guy representing the building said, “Here’s the deal. The law right now is a building cannot be any taller than 30 feet. But my clients wanna build a building that’s 700 feet. [audience laughing] So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a proposal for a 657-foot building.” City council just approved this thing. And everybody left. I wish I had done this. I wish I’d have said, “Excuse me. Before we wrap up, I have a final proposal for the city council. Right now the law is I’m not allowed to rob any liquor stores. [audience laughing] But I wanna rob a hundred liquor stores. So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a list of 50 liquor stores.” I love doing this, man. I get to travel. I was just in Atlanta. Went to a Braves game. You know the controversy about team nicknames and mascots and stuff? It was weird. I was in the stands at the Braves game, everybody was going: [chanting] [panting while chanting] A bunch of overweight white people: “Give me another Big Gulp! And a third footlong. Should we be doing this? This feels inappropriate somehow.” I don’t think they meant anything by it, but… same thing when I was in Toronto at the Blue Jays game and… their fans were going: -[mimics bird chirping] -[audience laughing] I don’t think they meant anything by it. They were playing the Orioles. [audience laughing] It was fan chirp-off night. [mimics birds chirping] It was getting ugly. [audience laughing] If a player makes a good play, he’ll often jump up and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” I’m not good with impressions. [audience laughing] They’ll yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” Well, how do I know? I think they should be required to show the proof. Say they make a catch in the end zone and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about.” They should whip out an iPad. “In fact, this is me from an interview just last evening.” “Tomorrow, it’s gonna be important for us to get into field position. The defensive back on me is one of the best players in the league. It’ll be challenging for me to get open. In the last two minutes, I’ll make a nice head fake, get open in the end zone. Throw will not be good. I’ll have to grab it, keep my feet in balance to make the go-ahead touchdown.” “See? That’s what I was talking about!” [cheering and applause] You know what kills me? Postgame press conferences. They still haven’t learned you need to put a microphone on the people asking the questions. [audience laughing] This drives me crazy. You have the table, you have the coach or the athlete sitting at the table behind a microphone. So, they know about microphones. [audience laughing] You’re at home watching this waste of time. [speaking muffled gibberish] “Uh, that was a coaching decision.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh, three, maybe four.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Definitely.” [audience laughing] Complete waste of everybody’s time. Waste of everybody’s time. Wasting everybody’s time. So, if I was the athlete, I would give ridiculous answers. Nothing makes any sense anyway. Might as well have fun with it. [continues speaking gibberish] “Probably pterodactyls.” [audience laughing] Makes as much sense as what they’re doing now. They do that at police press conferences. When you need to hear what’s happening ’cause something’s going down, no one has figured out you need to mic the people asking the questions. It blows my mind. You turn on your TV, the police chief’s there. He’s sweating. You’re like, “What’s happening?” This is what you’re taking in at home: [speaking gibberish] “We don’t know how they’re all escaping.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh… Nunchucks and flamethrowers.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “We think they’re hiding in that neighborhood.” [audience laughing] [cheers and applause] I’m not making that up out of thin air. Watch a press conference. That’s what you’ll get. Talking about sports. My favorite sport– Everybody’s favorite sport. –is cigarette boat racing. [audience laughing] Our national pastime. I was watching sports highlights, and they showed a cigarette boat flying across the water, and then all of a sudden, it did this business. And I’m thinking, what happens in the captain’s mind at that moment? “Okay. We’ll have a bad day now.” [audience laughing] Three backflips, hit the water and exploded into nothing but flotsam and jetsam. And I swear the sportscaster said, “The driver suffered a broken toe.” I could understand him saying, “All they could find was the driver’s toe.” [audience laughing] And it was broken. And they put it in a splint and helicopter it off to a trauma center. “Here he is. Where should we put Cap’n Crunch?” He broke his toe. How do you break your toe cigarette boat racing? What, was he flipping in midair? “Oh, no. I’m gonna get wet. Let me see if it’s gonna be cold.” [screams] [audience laughing] [screams] He goes to parties with his toe bandaged. “Cigarette boat racing?” “You know it. [audience laughing] You wanna initial my cast?” I saw another thing on the sports highlights. At some basketball game, at halftime, they brought a fan down to the half-court line and he made a half-court shot, and the crowd went nuts. And I was like, “Wow, what was the prize?” And they said the prize was Tater Tots1 for life. [audience laughing] That’s a prize? That’s a curse. [audience laughing] I would have missed on purpose. “What happens if this goes in?” “Tater Tots for life.” [audience laughing] Who wants to deal with that for the rest of their life? You’d be answering Tater Tot questions 30 years from now. “Are you that Tater Tot guy? You made that Tater Tot shot, didn’t you? Do you still like Tater Tots? Do you eat Tater Tots every day? If you don’t feel like it, can you pretend you’re ordering Tater Tots for yourself, and slide them to your friend or do they monitor that? How? They give you a card? They click it like a dozen-donut thing? You like talking about this on your deathbed?” [audience laughing] Listen. I don’t wanna sound like I’m bragging… but I’m gonna put this out there. I have enough money… to buy Tater Tots… [audience laughing] for the rest… of my life. [cheers and applause] I got that kind of coin. Sure, I’m lucky. I can surround myself with financial advisers. We spent a month crunching the numbers, looking at spreadsheets, comparing data, analyzing algorithms. It turns out you need $64. [audience laughing] Our national pastime is baseball. I like baseball. I like the home plate umpire job. They call balls and strikes, which I think are equally important to the game. So, why is an umpire’s reaction to a ball or a strike so markedly different? When it’s a strike, an umpire lets everybody know. But when it’s a ball, sometimes an umpire don’t do nothing. I’d feel bad if I was a pitcher, and I put all kinds of effort into my pitch, and an umpire just went: [audience laughing] “Not gonna waste my time with this nonsense.” But when it’s a strike: [screaming] [audience laughing] “Are you open to suggestions? Why not split the difference in those reactions? ‘Cause when it was a ball, I didn’t know anything had even transpired. And when it was a strike, I thought your chest might explode.” [audience laughing] It’s a hard job. You have a lot of close plays at the plate. It’s why I think the home plate umpire should be allowed one shrug per game. Use it whenever you need it. [makes whooshing sound] [audience laughing] “I don’t know. Cloud of dust and a heigh-ho. What do you want? [audience laughing] You think I saw something in that billow you didn’t?” I don’t know why players argue with umpires. Every game you’ll see a player argue with an umpire. And I’ve never seen an umpire change his mind ever. So, why would you waste your time? Has that ever worked? Ever see a guy sliding into home? “You’re out!” “You’re crazy, man! He missed the tag! I had my hand–” “Okay, okay. Safe. [audience laughing] Ah! I don’t like conflict. I tend to shy away from that. Go ahead. Give him a run. No, it’s okay. I didn’t know about the yelling. It’s okay. Give it to him.” Baseball has interesting traditions. Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? What’s going on? You imagine a hockey coach on the sidelines… [audience laughing] wearing full goalie gear? “Give it your all, fellas.” “Who’s the guy in the goalie mask?” So, why is it normal in baseball? They look silly, especially the ones who put on a few pounds. Sitting in the dugout. Pinstripes this far apart. [audience laughing] Looks like somebody made a jailbreak out of his torso. “I think I might pinch-run today. No, I’ll just sit here and eat Funyuns2.” My dad coached me in Little League baseball. He coached all eight of us and worked a full-time job. Wonderful man. So is my mom. [audience laughing] My mom is one of the most wonderful men that I’ve ever– Wonderful people. Guess what joke’s gonna be fixed. [audience laughing] Maybe– Maybe that’s it. Maybe I don’t know how to say anything sincere. My mom is a wonderful man. Okay, Chuckles. No. My mom and dad are wonderful. They’re both around. We’re very fortunate. They’re both funny. My dad has an interesting sense of humor. Very dry, yet silly simultaneously. He says silly, nonsensical things with a straight face. If you laugh, great. If you don’t laugh, he enjoys that more. [audience laughing] He says things like biddlyumbombowayday. Don’t try to make sense of it. We’d be in a restaurant, waitress would go, “Do you want appetizers?” “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] “What are you doing, Dad?” “Just having fun.” [audience laughing] “How is that fun for her?” Another thing he says beck beck beckedebang. Means nothing. Especially to the cop that pulled us over. [audience laughing] Coming back from a family picnic. “Can I see your license and registration sir?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” We’re in the back of the station wagon, “Daddy’s going to jail.” [audience laughing] We love that about him. Still do. But now he’s at a time in his life where they try to figure out what level of care he needs. And this is how he’s talking… [audience laughing] to medical professionals. And it’s getting murky. I was with him, and the doctor walked in, “How you doing, Walt?” And he said, “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] I had to be the interpreter. “Oh, fantastic. He’s doing great. He wouldn’t say that unless he’s was doing great.” Doctor’s looking at me like, “Okay. You’ve been taking your medications?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” [audience laughing] “Oh, you know he’s taking them. He’d never say that unless he’s on meds.” [audience laughing] I tried to call him the other day. My sister was with him, so I called her cell phone. I said, “Put Dad on FaceTime. It might be easier to talk to him.” I hear her say, “Brian wants to talk to you on FaceTime.” And I hear him say, “What is Spacetime?” And she’s like, “It’s called FaceTime.” He’s like, “Never heard of Spacetime.” I’m like, “This is off the rails.” [audience laughing] She gives him the phone. He has no idea there’s a camera in there. He’s whipping it all over the place. I’m seeing his face zip by at the speed of light. I’m yelling, “Stop moving the phone! Aim it in one place!” He thinks it’s for audio reasons. He aims it at the corner of his room, I’m seeing a cobweb dangling. “Can you hear me?” “I always could hear you. Aim it at your face, Dad.” So, he sort of gets it but not really. It’s like two unfocused eyes. They don’t know where to look. Like an alligator coming out of a swamp at a 45-degree angle. [audience laughing] I’m like, “Hey, Dad. How you doing?” “Who is this?” “It’s Brian.” “Who am I talking to?” I felt bad until he asked, “Who’s that in the square in the corner?” “You, Dad.” “Somebody’s in the corner looking at us.” “Buck Rogers. He’s watching us through Spacetime.” [cheers and applause] He’s funny. Sometimes you wonder, do you know if he’s there or not? He’ll make a joke that makes you know, “Oh. Of course he’s there.” He was eating donuts while I talked to him on FaceTime. I said, “How’s that donut?” He goes, “Has a hole in it.” [audience laughing] The most beautiful joke I heard. [chuckles] All right, Dad. My dad likes that awkward moment comedy… when not everybody gets it. I like everybody in the lasso. My dad likes when there’s one man out. You know? Here’s an example. We had a family reunion. I drove my dad to the restaurant where we were meeting. He and I get out of the car. We’re walking in. He’s an old guy, doesn’t walk well. He’s shuffling along. I said, “Dad, you need help?” He goes, “I got it.” I said, “I’m next to you if you need me.” He goes, “All right.” The hostess looks out and sees my dad shuffling along. She runs into the parking lot, says, “Do you need help, sir?” He said, “I asked my son for help, and he said, ‘No.'” [audience laughing] “That’s funny, Dad. It’s a funny joke. Funny to two-thirds of us standing here.” I’m trying to cover, “My dad was joking.” “Oh, I bet. I bet he was.” He explains nothing to her. He walks right past her. Biddlyumbombowayday. [audience laughing] Yeah. My mom is funny, too, but she’s funny in a quirky way. My mom and dad sat me down when I was a kid, Mom said, “There’s something we wanna tell you.” And I was like, “Okay.” And my mom goes, “We just want you to know that we named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] “My name is Brian Joseph Regan.” And she said, “We named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] And they got up, walked out of the room, and I heard them laughing in the hallway. [laughter and applause] I’m like, “Was that a joke? Was that a life lesson? Why is this part of my child development?” So, I have some weird personality quirks. I wonder where they came from. One is I have to over-explain things. If I feel somebody doesn’t understand something, I will say it again in another way. Sort of like that. [audience laughing] Here’s another example. Um… I was on the road recently, and I was hungry, and I passed a place that said, “Mr. Frank.” So, I said, “I’m going in to get a hot dog.” And I walked in and realized it was a men’s clothing store. It’s just weird when your expectations are 180 degrees off. I’m expecting paper hats and a guy slinging dogs. I’m seeing jackets and ascots. I’m like, “This makes no sense.” Before I could leave, a salesman came up and said, “Can I help you?” And instead of saying, “No, thank you,” and leaving… I said, “I want a hot dog.” [audience laughing] So, we stared at each other for 20 seconds. He says, “You know this is a men’s clothing store, right?” And at that point, I knew that. And I was like, “Yes, I know.” And then I turned around and walked out. And my guess is he tells that story more often than I do. [audience laughing] I have two kids. I love being a daddy. I like playing board games with my kids. That’s one of my favorite things to do. I love to get on the living room carpet and play Clue. You have to guess what’s in the envelope by process of elimination. I’ve never won. I don’t know what my kids do that I’m not capable of, but I’m like, “How did you win?” My son’s like, “When you looked at the last card and made a mark, I knew because you didn’t make a mark when the previous card–” “My brain is getting hot. [audience laughing] I don’t understand anything you’re saying.” The only way I can eliminate something in the game Clue from being in that envelope is if somebody puts that card in my face. “Colonel Mustard? I doubt he’s in there. [audience laughing] How can he be in two places?” I learned something about the game Clue. If you ever show up somewhere, and everyone’s last name is a color… you might wanna get on out of there. [audience laughing] Ain’t nothing good going down there. Especially if as you’re leaving, you see a candlestick in the conservatory. Skedaddle. If a place even has a conservatory, blow that pop stand. If you ever hear someone say, “I believe we should all retire to the conservatory…” “You know, we got a long drive. You all enjoy the conservatory. We’ll Google that, see what that means.” [audience laughing] I like the games when I was a kid. Trouble. They put the dice in a bubble ’cause they knew we were stupid. [audience laughing] If they weren’t in the bubble, we’d lose them for sure. Boop-boop. “I lost the dice. They’re in a bubble.” Boop-boop. “I lost them again! They’re in a bubble. I’m sensing a pattern.” I’d like to see one of those in Vegas at the craps table. [audience laughing] “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.” Boop-boop. [audience laughing] We played Mouse Trap. We played it differently than other families. The way we played Mouse Trap is we’d try to guess how far we would get into the setup process… before we got frustrated and threw everything back in the box. Any game that needs a construction hat and blueprints… [audience laughing] You know what intrigues me about the game Mouse Trap? Knowing that this conversation had to have taken place at a conference table. “Freddy? Freddy, you had something you wanted to offer?” “Um, yeah. I was thinking swingy boot. [audience laughing] Hit a bucket with a ball in it, so, boot, bucket, ball. Anyway, that’s all I got so far.” [audience laughing] That was mulled around by Milton and Bradley. “This has the makings of one of the best games in the world.” Hey, wanna destroy a family? [audience laughing] I got a great way to destroy a family. A lot of techniques everybody knows about. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addictions. Those can destroy a family. But those take a while. [audience laughing] You wanna destroy a family quickly? Break out a game of Scattergories. [audience laughing] They should call that Argument in a Box. “It’s things at a beach. You can’t say sandwiches.” “Why? I said sandwiches.” “You can’t say sandwiches. It’s things at a beach.” “I eat sandwiches when I go to the beach.” “Doesn’t matter. Not a beach thing, I won’t allow it.” “Who allows you to be the guy who’s allowing things?” “It has to be a common-sense beach thing, moron. Something at the beach when you get there. Like an umbrella! An umbrella is at the beach when you get there!” [audience laughing] Family’s destroyed. That’s a good holiday game. Break that out during the holidays, and rip your family to shreds. [audience laughing] Here’s something I don’t think a parent has said. “The kids are playing with all their old Happy Meal toys.” [audience laughing] I don’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy has ever made it to sundown. Usually they break as you’re taking them out of the cellophane. “What is this? It’s broken. Toss it into the trash.” Even if you get it to work, you never wanna do it more than once. “What happens? Push this button. It shoots out four inches? Throw it in the trash. Somebody shut that toy factory down.” [audience laughing] I love being a daddy. I like taking my kids to Disneyland. I love Disneyland. The only thing I don’t like about Disneyland is the other people. [audience laughing] Have you seen them there? What the hell are they doing there? Twice while we were in line for a ride, the family that was behind us just got in front of us. First time, I didn’t know what to do. Like, “Clearly, I don’t have all the information. [audience laughing] They were behind us, and now they’re in front of us, and how come I’m not saying something?” So, the next line for the next ride I was on red alert. “Spread out, kids. [audience laughing] Swing your hips. Swing them. Swing them rope to rope. You have to be careful at the switchback. Hug the post. Hug the post! Hug the post!” If you don’t hug the post, some worm family: [shouting gibberish] [singing] Worm people are on the planet [audience laughing] It happened anyway. I’m doing our best to protect our place in line. First it was the little kids in the family behind us. They just got up in front of my kids. So, my heart starts going– I look back thinking one of their parents will say, “No, we’re behind this family and have been for a half hour.” [audience laughing] That’s what I thought should happen. But instead, the mom came up and said, “What are you kids doing up here?” [audience laughing] “What are you doing up here?” I looked back at the dad. Maybe he’s the voice of reason. He just squeezes up the other side, says, “Well, I guess we’re up here now.” That’s what you guess? That’s the guess you take under the circumstances? This time, I said something. I’m like, “Listen. We’re behind this guy that’s in front of you. It’s been a half an hour. It’s kind of hard not to know our place. The guy’s got like a red Mohawk, and Backgammon pieces in his ear lobes. [audience laughing] It’s been him and then us for a half an hour, and now you guys are betwixt us.” And the dad goes, “Okay. Go ahead, if it’s that big a deal to you.” “It is. [audience laughing] It’s that big a deal to me. I want my family flying around on elephants before your family. It might sound absurd to you, but I like the way it makes me feel inside.” Play me as the jerk. I wish I had handled it differently. I wish when he stepped in front of me, I would have reached into the pockets of his cargo shorts and just pulled out his belongings and just hurled them. [audience laughing] Just as far as I could humanly hurl. And then just grabbed her purse and just whipped it into some distant flowerbed watching Disney receipts slowly descend back down to Earth. And when they looked at me weird, I’d go, “Oh, I thought you wanted complete anarchy. [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yeah. When you just step right in front of us in a clearly roped-off line, I thought that was a signal all semblance of right and wrong was out the window.” [cheering and applause] I don’t know what it is with people. I went to my nephew’s high school graduation. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in the human species in my life. I’m in the stands, this woman gets on the microphone, she tried. She tried so hard. She gets on the mic, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful day here with all these graduates. We’re gonna ask you in advance to please not applaud or cheer when your individual child or friend is called because we have way too many graduates. It would not be fair to the people at the end. We’re gonna give everybody an opportunity at the end to give a big round of applause for everyone. But please when your individual child or family member is called, please don’t applaud at that time. Okay. Thank you for understanding. Okay. Here we go. Let’s get started. With our first graduate, Aaron Anderson.” “Yeah! Aaron! Aaron! Whoo! Aaron! Aaron!” [audience laughing] Are we the smartest species? We’re– We’re top of the food chain? I so wish while he was yelling that a clamp would have descended… from the darkness of the ceiling, like one of those claw games, just right above him, and then just clamped onto his ribs, and just pulled him up, a-whooping and a-hollering, a-legs a-flailing, just pulled him up into the darkness. I don’t want him to die. I just never wanna see him again. [audience laughing] Just gone. The decisions some people make. I don’t make good decisions. Ever agree to something that you wonder how you agreed to that? My brother-in-law was talking about his motorcycle, and said to me, “You should go for a ride with me on my motorcycle.” I was like, “Yeah, it’d be fun to go for a ride.” He goes, “All right. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What is happening?” So, we get to his motorcycle. He’s sitting on it. [mimics motor revving] “Hop on.” Okay. Hop? Can anyone hop onto a motorcycle? [audience laughing] I don’t think anyone has done that. So, I tried to hop. [singing] Here comes Peter Cottontail [audience laughing] Hopping down the Harley trail Hop, you say. I don’t even know how to get on the motorcycle. I’m like, “Can we rig up a footstool and a pulley system?” [audience laughing] I finally get behind him, and I notice he doesn’t have a back bar. It’s just me and street. “Hi, street.” So, we haven’t left yet, and I don’t know how it works, so I put my arms around him. [audience laughing] And he was like, “No, no, no. No. No, that ain’t happening. What are you, joking? You’re joking. Okay.” [laughs] I’m like, “Yeah, I’m joking.” [audience laughing] He’s like, “You got little handles by your seat.” I’m like, “I know that. What?” It’s these two little handles. You’re not allowed to sit in the car without some harness system holding you in, but they’ll let you sit on a motorcycle like this? Good luck! So, he tears away, and I’m like: [screams] I use every ounce of gut muscle I have to work my way back up. He’s starts herking and jerking, our helmets started clicking. Click, click, click. “What are you doing? That’s Morse code for stop.” Click, click. Click, click. Click, click, click. Instead of stopping, he guns the gas. I go so far back, I feel my underwear waistband flip up. [audience laughing] That’s not the scariest experience I’ve had in a vehicle. When I was a kid… one time, my parents let the four oldest boys in our family take the station wagon to go bowling. It’s a true story. Mike is our oldest brother. He was like 17 at the time. And there was Pat and Dennis and then me. I was like 9. I’m in the back. [grunts] We were late, and Mike said, “I told Mom and Dad we’d have the car back at 9.” And I was like: [mumbles] “Is that a moon?” [audience laughing] I’m 9. He’s like, “They’re gonna be mad.” I was like, “Eh.” I didn’t know what else to contribute. “Do your best under the circumstances.” [audience laughing] That’s what I’d been taught. So, I was like, “Mike, I know you wanna get home quickly, and I don’t know how to tell you, but I have to pee.” He goes, “That’s tough, ain’t it, Brian?” “Yeah.” I never got that reaction out of Mom or Dad. “Oh, we got a new driver. It’s tough.” I said, “Mike, I’m serious. I have to pee.” And he goes, “Deal with it. Deal with it, Brian.” “Okay. [audience laughing] Mike, I’m having trouble dealing with it. [audience laughing] Do you have a backup plan?” I swear he goes, “Pee out the back window. Pee out the back window, Brian.” My other two brothers go, “We’ll hold him.” [audience laughing] Instead of talking him out of this ludicrous idea… they think it’s worth a shot. So, operation pee out the back gets underway. I get on my knees in the back of the station wagon, Mike’s driving like a bat out of hell, and Pat and Dennis grab on to my belt loops. There’s a secure connection. [audience laughing] So, we all start moving our way back to the back window, this big three-headed blob. I’m thinking, “I don’t believe we’re doing this.” Then I hear that dreaded: [mimics whirring sound] Huh. Now, when we start this process, there are no cars behind us. [audience laughing] So, they hang on, I get out up over the tailgate. I look out, now we’re leading a convoy. And my brothers won’t pull me back in. So, I start peeing. This guy puts on his windshield wipers. [laughter and applause] I don’t know if you’ve ever peed out of the back of a station wagon at 60 miles an hour, but there’s a surprise involved. It don’t go that way. It starts that way a stream, but it comes back a storm front. [audience laughing] It’s this weird auto-aerodynamic nightmare. It’s El Niño for El Niño. And I’m not just peeing on me. I’m peeing on Pat and I’m peeing on Dennis and I’m peeing on the back of Mike’s head. They go, “Quit peeing on us or we’ll let you go!” “I can’t stop!” You guys are great. Thank you. [cheers and applause] Thank you. You guys are wonderful man. Thank you very much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I know I did. Good night. I don’t know what it– I don’t know– I don’t know what it is with people. I’m gonna say that more cleanly. Hang on a second. I don’t know… [speaking gibberish] Hang on, folks. We’re almost done. Two more bits. [audience cheering] Three more bits. I don’t know what it is with people. That’s not that hard to say. All right, gotta do it again. [audience laughing] Where was I? I can’t be standing in a different place. Here. I don’t know what it is with people. [audience laughing] I’m gonna make it an absolute nightmare for the editor. “How the hell are we gonna put that… He was standing… He’s looking into a pink light… No, we need it. We need the transition. He’s…” [audience laughing] You guys are coo– You’re hanging in there. I don’t know what it is with people. Notes: 1. Tater tots are pieces of deep-fried, grated potatoes served as a side dish. They are recognized for their compact cylindrical shape and crispy colored exterior. “Tater Tots®” is a registered trademark of Ore-Ida that is often used as a generic term. 2. Funyuns is the brand name of an onion-flavoured corn snack introduced in the United States in 1969 and invented by Frito-Lay employee George Bigner.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BRIAN REGAN: STANDING UP (2007) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-standing-up-2007-full-transcript/

♪ [Rock] [crowd cheering] [man] let’s give a big, warm welcome to Mr. Brian Regan! [Crowd roars] all right. Thank you! Thank you. Thanks. [Cheering] thank you very much. Appreciate that. [Laughs] [cheering continues] all right. [Whistling] thank you very much. Wow. Man, oh, man. That is very, very nice. Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate you all being here. So, I was driving today, and I came upon a truck… Pulling a horse trailer with a sign on the back– “caution: transporting show horses.” Ohh. “Oh, 10:00 and 2:00! “We’re sharin’ the road with show horses. “If I start to lose control, I’ll hit one of these cars with people! “Or at least a trailer with just plain old horses. But those horses, they gotta put on a show!” What are you supposed to do in a spin-out? Don’t hit the show horses! Anything but the show horses! Can you imagine hitting– [gibberish] then I came up on another truck pulling a trailer with a sign on the back, “don’t worry, just dumb old donkeys.” I was crossing over the line. Boom, boom. Boom. Hee-haw! Boom. Who cares? Just dumb old donkeys. They refuse to apply themselves. [Brays] heck with them. Those dumb old donkeys. [Chuckles] I lived in California for awhile, and to get my California driver’s license– this is true. I was reading in the California driver’s handbook. It says, “to receive your California driver’s license, “you will be required to give a thumbprint… Or another fingerprint if you have no thumbs.” Is this a common enough occurrence… Everyone needs to know this contingency plan? Shouldn’t that be just for one guy at the d.m.v. To know about? “I’m gonna need a thumbprint.” “I don’t have any thumbs.” “Charlie! Charlie!” [Gibberish] only charlie needs to know what’s gonna happen, not every single person in the entire state of California. Why is that in that book? [Chuckles] speaking of, uh, fingers and driving– it’s not what you think. I was driving the other day, and there’s a guy in the lane next to me. He’s in a convertible, and he’s talkin’ on his cell phone. Blah, blah, la, la, la, la. “I think I’m more important than I really am. [Gibberish] and here’s why–” [gibberish] he was yammering uselessly. So I had to watch what I was doin’ and what he’s doin’. And this guy had construction in his lane, so he needed to merge into my lane. He didn’t even know this, because he’s into his call. I knew he needed to merge. I gave him some room. I swear. Here’s how he thanked me. He’s lookin’ down. He’s talkin’. He looks up, sees the construction, sees that I’m givin’ him room, and he goes– could less effort possibly be put into thanking a fellow human being? “Oh, man. Here I was, all self-absorbed, “and you were nice enough to look out for my safety. I don’t know how to thank you other than–” “and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. “I mean that profoundly. “Thank you. Thank you from the very depths of my soul.” This is what he does. I, um, I saw something very interesting today. I’m not making this up. I saw a van for some company. I don’t even know what the business was. It had two things printed on the side– “we speak English” and “we delivery.” Ah. Ah, is that right? Can you imagine being bilingual? Would that be– heh. Or even knowing anybody that was? [Laughs] I’m not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I don’t give myself enough credit. I-I know– I know enough English to, like, you know, get by, you know. No, like, like, I can order in restaurants and stuff, you know. “I want ham! “One ham, please, to eating the ham. Bring ham to eating the ham, please.” I can do that. You know, just not fluent, I guess. I got a buddy who, uh, thinks he speaks Italian. It’s very strange. Very strange. He’s Italian-American. Never been to Italy. Never. All my friend can say in Italian are pasta dish names. He doesn’t even know any verbs, but he still tries to pull it off. [With Italian accent] “oh, my mom, she makes-a great-a manicotti.” “I’m sorry. What?” “My mom. She makes manicotti. She makes it al dente with-a ricotta cheese.” “Are you okay? ‘Cause– you sound like you’re really weird.” [Chuckles] I have an Irish heritage. I don’t do that. Oh, my mom, she makes a great [high-pitched voice] corn beef and cabbage! [In high-pitched voice] it’s magically delicious! Then I riverdance my way home, you know? So my flight comin’ here was delayed by a half hour. Backed away from the gate on time. Just sat there for a half hour. Nothin’ you can do. Ever wanna knock on the door up there? [Imitates knocking] “um, “why don’t we all head where we’re goin’? That’s what we’re all talkin’ about back here.” But you don’t do that. You just sit there like a goober. After a half hour, the captain finally gets on. [Groans] “ohh, folks– lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here.” Oh, I hope it’s good! Has that ever followed with anything even remotely good? “Lemme tell you what’s goin’ on up here. “Uh, we found a big bag of money onboard, “and, uh, the tower has instructed us to divvy it amongst all you passengers. “We apologize for the delay. “The problem is, each individual stack is getting so high, they keep toppling over. “And, uh, the rubber bands we’ve been using keep snapping on the size of these bundles. Apologies from the flight–” [gibberish] it’s never that. It’s never that. It’s always, “uh, somebody put our engine in upside-down. “And, uh, there’s only one tool in our galaxy that can fix this. “And, uh, it’s in Madagascar. “The tower has instructed us to go to a holding area… And remain there until everyone on board dies a natural death.” So you go there and die. They always listen to the tower. They never question the authority of the tower. “Well, the tower’s tellin’ us to hold.” Well, so-so what about that? Just once, I wanna hear, “the tower’s tellin’ us to hold, but, uh, “you might notice I’m rumblin’ along the grass. “If you look out the right, you’ll see all those aircraft lined up on the runway. Uh, the tower keeps tellin’ us we’re number 19 for takeoff. I say we’re number one.” How would you like that? [Chuckles] right? What’s the tower gonna do? “Hey, you! You can’t exhibit that type of behavior!” “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” [Laughs] “no, I should’ve listened better. If you need me, I’ll be up in the clouds.” I’m not sure what this was. Okay. [Chuckles] okay. I’m not sure what I’m dodging as I’m– okay. Wow. “He must bepilot to know that move.” So I had, uh– I had to go through security, obviously, and they have the x-ray area. I don’t mind goin’ through it, but I get tired of the businessmen… Who make way too big a deal out of their computers. You ever hear of these people? “Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don’t know how you’re gonna handle this– my computer.” “Oh, is he from the future?” They’ve been around awhile, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine. I wanna do that with an etch a sketch, you know? Just do it, see what happens. Excuse me, my laptop. What’s that? Need to see it work? Okay. Wanna see the screen change? That’s a staircase. So the airline lost my bag, temporarily. Had to go into that baggage claim office. Boy, that must be a wonderful place to work. Every single person that comes in, you have to go, “uh, lemme guess. You’re angry? “Angry people here, livid people here. “Stay organized. Angry, livid, those who wanna ring my neck. Let’s stay organized.” So I know it’s gotta be hard for them, you know? So– y– I’m tryin’ not to be too upset. But it’s hard not to be. They lost your bag. But you gotta squelch it, or else they won’t do anything for you. You gotta go in, “hey, how ya doin’? “Uh– “yeah. Oh, uh, my bag? “Yeah, I gave it to you guys a few hours ago and– “and it ain’t spinnin’ around on that thing. So I was wonderin’ what kind of hell on earth I should prepare for.” “Well, hopefully it’ll be on the next flight. “If not, it’ll come in on tomorrow morning’s flight. We’ll deliver it to your hotel. In the meantime, you don’t need to worry. Have this for ya.” He reaches under the counter, hands me a little bag this big with a zipper on the top. And it says, “essentials kit.” “Oh, these are the essentials. “Then I over pack. “I thought I needed all that stuff I meticulously put in my suitcase. I stand corrected.” They have the gall– if that was really an essentials kit, if you had one, you’d never need to go to work again. “Whatever happened to harry?” “Oh, he don’t need us. “He happened upon an essentials kit. He opened it up. It was filled with food, shelter and love!” So I’m goin’ to a party, and I had to go to a greeting card store to get a birthday card. These places are way too subdivided now. They don’t have just a simple birthday section. They have, like, “happy birthday for age four from the both of us.” What the hell? [Chuckles] “I’m lookin’ for a religious, humorous, happy birthday… For age seven twins from the a.f.c. West.” They have a whole section called “blank inside.” What in the hell is a blank inside card? So I’ve been sending ’em out. “Sorry you’re feeling so blank inside. I feel like that myself sometimes.” What kind of scam– the guy who’s sellin’ blank inside cards must wake up laughin’. “What do you do again?” [Laughs] “I sell blank inside cards. “A picture of a tree, nothin’ on the inside. “No little limerick, nothin’! They’re buyin’ a crease!” They have another whole section called “encouragement.” I like to send those to people who are not about to do anything. Just keep sending ’em follow-ups and confusing ’em. “You can do it!” “I can do what? I keep getting these!” “I know it’s in you.” “What? What is in me? What can I do?” Maybe you should go do something, instead of reading cards all the time. You know what’s fun? You pick somebody at random, like, out of the phone book… And send ’em about a hundred “just because” cards. They can’t even ask you why you did it. They have a section called “new baby.” I don’t think you need the word “new.” You’d have to clear up confusion. “Do you have an old baby section? “‘Cause, uh, well, “my friend had a baby, “and I let time get away from me. “And he’s 12. “Is there an area of your establishment– are you the proprietor?” They’d be askin’ that sort of thing. They have “birthday.” Then they have “birthday, humorous.” [Laughs] that kicks it up a notch. They have “sympathy.” No “sympathy, humorous.” I’ve yet to see where they’ve tried to– I guess that’s good. You wouldn’t want to get one of those. “Sorry about your uncle Fred, but, hey, sometimes you end up dead. “Did somebody blonk him in the head? Did somebody pump him full of lead?” “What the– are they trying to be humorous?” “Bet you’re glad it wasn’t you instead.” [Shrieks] so, my wife and I have two beautiful kids, uh– the other day I was watching sports on TV. And my daughter— she just turned three– she got next to me on the couch and got as close as she could. You love those moments as a dad. You know, it’s like, whoa. This is true. And she put her thumb in her mouth, and she looked up and me and she said, “put on something appropriate for me.” She’s smart. She knows what she’s supposed to see. I watch Dora the Explorer with her, you know, ’cause she likes it. So I watch it with her, you know. It’s a good show. I’d probably watch that if I didn’t have kids. Dora the Explorer. First of all, did the producers think that rhymes? ♪ Dora the Explorer ♪ maybe that rhymes in the Kennedy household. “Put on Dora the ‘explorah.'” Yeah. Other than– other than that one isolated compound, I’m not sure how that works. There’s a song in Dora the Explorer that amazes me. And I wish I had been at the pitch meeting where it was approved. “So did you get a chance to work on a song?” “Oh, uh– “yeah. Yeah. Well, I know– remember now that you want– yeah, of course. Yeah, we’re working on it. Yeah.” “Why don’t you go ahead and sing it for us then?” “Oh, okay, well– “you-you want that now? Okay. Okay. Here we go. Um–” [clears throat] ♪ I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map ♪ ♪ I’m the map, I’m the map I’m the map, I’m the map ♪ I’m the map! [Indistinct] “and which character would be singing this?” You’re supposed to read to your kids– even when they’re babies. So I’ve always done that. I don’t know who’s writing books for babies, but I want a piece of that financial pie. I put my daughter on my lap with this big cardboard book. “The clock. The big clock.” Hey. “Ticktock. The end.” “Twelve bucks.” And there’s a synopsis on the back that is longer than the actual book, and I’m not exaggerating. “Sit down with your children, and you will delight… “As you read about the adventures of the ticking clock. “Sometimes it goes, ‘tick,’ and sometimes it goes, ‘tock,’ “which just goes to show you, you never can be too sure in life, ’cause sometimes things are one way, but they are about to change.” Are you talking about this book? You can’t possibly be talking about this book. I must have missed the subtext. I read all these kids’ books, you know. Let me ask you something. Does the owl go, “who,” or does it go, “hoot”? Half the books say one. Half the books say the other. Let me tell you something. Owls don’t go, “hoot.” Okay? Has anyone ever heard an owl go, “hoo-t”? Hoot! Never in the history of the animal kingdom… Has an owl enunciated like that. Ever. Toss those books in the trash can. They didn’t do their research. Who’s deciding how they go, you know? “The horse goes, ‘neigh.'” When? When? When does a horse do that? “You wanna give me a ride?” “Neigh.” Everybody knows horses don’t go, “neigh.” They go, “wilbur.” Common knowledge, I believe. They’re all over the place with dogs. “The dog says, ‘bark.'” “The dog says, ‘ruff.'” “The dog says, ‘woof.'” “The dog says, ‘bow-wow.'” That’s the one that intrigues me. Who the hell ever heard a dog… And could have possibly interpreted it that way? [Imitates dog barking] “did you just hear a bow-wow?” “I distinctly heard a bow-wow.” [Imitates dog barking] “there it is again. Bow-wow. You’re not hearing that? You’re not hearing a bow-wow?” [Barks] bow. Wow. “You’re not hearing any of that?” Mm-mmm. I’m not hearing that. Not that, I don’t think. You do stuff with your kids you probably wouldn’t do otherwise. Like take them to butterfly pavilions. We took our kids to this big mesh-covered place filled with butterflies, you know? As we’re walking in, this worker goes, “I’ll be happy to answer all your butterfly questions today.” [Laughing] “okay. All of them?” Where do you begin when you get that kind of green light? So this guy’s following us around, and it’s falling on me to brainstorm up butterfly questions. I’m just, like– [groans] “um– “this– “what I wanna– [mouthing words] “does this one like to eat? “He does? Okay. “Care to expound on that at all? No? Okay.” I was thinking, could there be a less-stressful job… Than working in a butterfly pavilion? I mean, you know, what could possibly go awry, you know? “So how was work, dear?” “Don’t even get me started. “I’ve had it up to here with those butterflies. “I had this yellow one landing lightly on flowers. “And this purple one fluttering around and around. “Like I don’t know what he’s up to! I can’t take the politics!” We were out in the park. We saw another family. They had, like, a five-year-old boy holding a helium balloon, and he accidentally let go of his balloon. The boy started crying, and his parents were, like, “why are you crying? It’s a balloon. We’ll get you another one.” I’m, like, “jeepers creepers, folks.” Sometimes I don’t think adults try hard enough, you know, to understand what kids are going through. If you wanted to relate to what it’s going through, imagine if you took your wallet out… And it just started floating away. “No!” “Why are you acting like that? It’s a wallet. We’ll get you another one.” “I want that one!” That’s what your boy is going through. We have a little boy. We had a monitor in his room the other night, and, uh– I don’t really push what I do on my kids. I figure they’ll find out when they want to find out. I was sitting with my wife watching TV, and it was at night. We thought he was sleeping, and all of a sudden I heard, through the monitor, “daddy, I have a joke for your career.” Wow. I got, like, goose bumps, man. I’m, like, “wow.” So I gotta go up there, man. I ran upstairs. [Laughs] this is true. And I sit on the bed. I’m, like, “man. Wow. You got a joke for my-my act buddy?” And he goes, “yeah. I just thought of it.” And I was, like, “whoa.” I wanted to cry I was, like, so touched, you know? I was, like, “really? Wow. What’s the joke, buddy?” And he goes, “how come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “I don’t know. How come dinosaurs don’t talk?” “Because they’re all dead.” [Chuckles] yeah. That’s my boy’s joke, man. I laughed for about an hour straight, man. Anyway– he’s smarter than me. I’m trying to get smart. I’ve been watching Nova. Have you seen that show? They had a thing a couple of weeks ago about string theory. I started watching that at 8:00 p.m., And at 8:03 my brain exploded. They said string theory is the stuff… That the physicists are now figuring out… That Albert Einstein was not able to nail down in his theories. So I’m thinking, “well, if Albert Einstein didn’t understand it, me on a couch with a bag of potato chips don’t have a shot.” “Oh, I see what they’re talking about. “Yeah, you gotta incorporate gravity. I always wondered why he didn’t do that.” I’m sitting there working on my string cheese theory. You know, they always say Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it’s an insult? “You won’t know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.” I don’t think we’re honoring that man properly… By using his name in vain in parking lots. That’s the only time he ever comes up. I watch too much TV. I like watching the Antiques Roadshow. It’s one of my favorite shows. People bring in their old stuff to get it appraised. My favorite part of that whole show… Is the people in the background, you know? If aliens ever wanted to see what we’re all about, they should just bring that tape back to their planet. “Let me show you what we’re dealing with here. “Yeah, we can do whatever we want down there. Yeah, they rule the whole planet.” “They rule the whole”– “yes. They rule the whole planet.” “Let’s go shine lights in their eyes.” I’d like to get on that show– go stand in line for, like, three hours with an old, rusty spatula. Just finally get up there. Hand it to the guy. “Is there some type of story associated with this?” “Uh– “well, it was in the kitchen drawer, “and I couldn’t open it ’cause the spatula was stickin’ up. So I thought maybe it was from Babylon.” “Do you see how this says ‘Kmart’? Would you be surprised if I told you this was absolutely worthless?” “Nah. When is this gonna air?” [Imitates beeping] “absolutely worthless.” [Imitates beeping] I like watching golf on TV, and I read recently– this is true. NBC sports, on their golf telecast– they got caught putting in bird noises for ambience. Birds aren’t even there. And a bird lover called ’em on it, because he was hearing a bird that was not indigenous… To where the tournament was being held. Wow. Can you imagine being the guy who had to field that phone call? “Uh, yeah, sports department.” “Uh, yeah, hi. Listen, uh, does this sound right to you?” [Whistling] “no, that don’t. Um– I-I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” “Yeah. Yeah, apparently you don’t. “Yeah, I guess I’m supposed to believe the blue-breasted ‘whipoorwillow’… “Has decided to alter its annual migratory route… To enjoy a little golf.” [Laughing] “what?” “Maybe for that reason you should try”– [imitating bird call] “okay. “I get it. I got one. [High-pitched voice] “cuckoo! Cuckoo. Cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” [Gibberish] you have to admire that guy. You have to admire him. You’re not gonna slip a chirp past him. “What the hell was that? “Please tell me I did not just hear that. Please. Please tell me this is not happening to me today.” I wish he would have handled it differently. I wish, instead of calling, he would have snuck in there late at night, pulled out that bird tape, you know, and stuck in another animal track. No one would even know till it’s goin’ out live. [Hushed voice] “um, ernie els is… “Looking at about a 10-foot putt here. “This is– [laughs] this is a downhill putt. It’s gonna break a little bit to his left.” [Imitating bird screeching] “man, he is focused!” [Cheering] oh, you guys– you guys are great. Thank you. Thank you. Politicians like to use the TV for their negative ads. I love watching them. I love the sinister voice-over guy that they use. [Deep voice] “he voted to give himself a pay raise.” Wouldn’t you? I-i don’t know. Is that the worst thing you have on the guy? “Apparently he wanted more money… To provide for his family.” [Growls] then they morph him into a devil. [Roaring] this is an actual negative campaign ad– I’m not making this up– about the other candidate. “He voted to allow seven-year-olds to be tasered.” That’s an actual ad. And they interviewed the guy who had voted for that. He was, like, “I meant worst-case scenario. “If the kid gets a weapon, we don’t wanna hurt him. In the worst case you can taser him and get the weapon away.” As if that was that man’s platform. “I want to taser seven-year-olds.” He’s talking with his staff– “when I’m elected, “can we have some seven-year-olds on the stage with me? “I think I’ll swear in, and then I’ll taser a seven-year-old.” “Think that’d be a nice way to start the term. “I solemnly– and then I’ll taser another one. How many can we bus in for this?” That’s what that man wanted to do. Politicians are smart, man. They certainly know how to not answer questions. They have tricks that no one ever seems to call them on. “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” “Oh. Oh. Well, when will you be– [whispering] oh. That’s a question.” [Mouthing words] not taking questions? I wish I would have known that was an option when I was a kid in school. “Brian, how do you find the square root of a fraction?” “I’m sorry. I’m not taking questions today.” You know? Another one that politicians pull. “Well, let me answer that by asking you this.” You can’t answer that by answering that? You can’t do that? I wish I had that stunt ready in school too. “Brian, how did World War I affect the economy of central Europe?” “Well, let me answer that by asking you this. “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, “if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I think I’ve made my point.” [Chuckles] They had local elections where we were living, and we had just moved there, so I didn’t know any of the candidates, but that didn’t matter, ’cause they would put billboards on the side of the road… With their name and two one-word qualities. Which is really all you need to make an informed decision. “Steve Wilson. Leadership. Integrity.” [Chuckles] “say no more. That’s what I’m looking for, right, honey? Those two things.” The only way that would be helpful… Is if his opponent had a billboard right next to it– “Floyd Nimrod. Laziness. Thievery.” “I don’t think so, Mr. Nimrod. “Not when you compare, when you really weighed everything. “When you really step back and weigh it. No. Not-not– no.” The Kennedy are great speakers, right? John Kennedy said, “ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” And then Robert Kennedy was credited with, “some people look at things the way they are and ask, ‘why?’ I look at things that never were and ask, ‘why not?'” It’s powerful, but it must have been weird growing up with them, you know, speaking in flip-flops around the dinner table. “Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone.” “Some people look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why?’ I look at creamed corn and ask, ‘why not?'” And then Ted’s, like, “there any more rolls?” I gotta learn more about politics. I hear about fund-raisers where it’s $1,000 a plate. Wow. $1,000 A plate. I would have to send the food back just out of the principle of the thing. “Excuse me, please. Just take this away.” “Is there a problem with your meal, sir?” “Uh, well– [chuckles] “it’s good. It just ain’t $1,000 good. “Go add something. Put some kind of glaze on there or something.” For $1,000, I would want every bite to be like this. [Laughing, whooping] “that is so good I’m crying! “I am voting for you. “Those policies are nuts, but this is fantastic! “Oh, my god, this is delicious! Fire up your taser.” But politicians have a lot to deal with these days, man. It’s a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their lifelong dream. And every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose. “I’d like some information on crop dusting. “And let me guess. You need to make a phone call. I’ve been through the rigmarole.” I like watching the news. I love the commercials for the local news. You’ll hear things like, “a news anchor you can trust.” What the hell is there not to trust? What, is he gonna lie to you? “There’s a big fire downtown. Maybe.” “I don’t know if I trust this guy. “I don’t know. There’s something about him. I can’t put my finger upon it. Something. Something not right.” Another one you’ll hear– “a news team that cares.” [Chuckles] they don’t care on the other channel? Like, you click over there– “a major highway is closed down tonight, but, uh, hey, I don’t drive home that way.” “Aw, turn it back to the team that cares. These two are surly. I’ve had it with their uncaring ways.” You know what I saw on the news? And I’m not making this up at all. There’s a United States spy named Brian Regan. Brian Regan. Same spelling. It’s unbelievable. And when that trial started– he’s in jail for the rest of his life for, uh, espionage. For selling secrets to Libya and Iraq. And when that trial started, I knew nothing about that guy. Had the news on in the background, and I’m not really paying attention. I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I hear, “it’s unclear whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution.” “Guess I can set this down here. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?” You guys are great, man. Thank you for making me feel so welcome tonight. [Audience cheering, applauding] ♪ [rock] [indistinct] thank you. Thanks a lot. [Cheering continues] ♪ [rock continues] ♪ [rock continues] ♪ [rock stops]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

TODD GLASS: ACT HAPPY (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-glass-act-happy-transcript/

You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, comedy’s national treasure, Todd Glass! What I… Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I did not expect this. Get a close up of this fucker right over here. You watch this… That’s right, everybody. I know what I’m doing. Some guys wouldn’t do this much, but I go for it. If it costs extra, I don’t give a shit. Woah! How you enjoying my standup so far? Shut up! Sure I play it big. Sure I play it big. Enough already, right? What? Watch this. Wow, let’s get started, right? I wanna let you know I’m not going to do insult crowd work. As a matter of fact, I won an award for doing the most positive crowd work. -I won an award– -Oh, I won an award! Well, I don’t know if it’s that big of a deal– I’m so fancy. I’m Todd Glass, I win awards! Well, I don’t– I wonder if it was a trophy or a medal? It must be one of them, because it’s an award. -I’m gonna put it in my fridge! -Wow! Was it voted on by his peers or by a board? I won an award as I do positive crowd work. A lot of comedians come out, “Where…” Leave people alone. People are insecure. They go out to feel better. I do positive crowd work, proving you can do it but still be nice. For instance, I really like your tattoos, they’re… See, that’s funny. You people don’t know it. Yeah. I love your bow tie… Because I don’t want to be one of those comedians who makes fun of the wrong groups. You ever see comedy, see a comedian like, “Oh… “I’m pretty sure he’s throwing a verbal blow “to a group of people that might need a hug.” That looks shitty years later when you watch your comedy like, “I should’ve been hugging those people, not taking comedic blows at them.” “They’re already getting the shit beat out of them, I should defend them.” That is why, may I get some reverb so people know I’m really talking about something? That is why, ladies and gentlemen, that I had a joke… about above-the-ground pools. And I took it out of my act. I’m not lying, folks. I had a joke, every night I’d come out here, “Oh, above the ground pools…” What if there’s somebody in this audience who has one? The odds are, if you had to bet, you’d say, “There’s one.” They’d have to watch my show like, “What’s this joke about pools? “Is our pool like a joke, or something?” First of all, I won’t do the joke as I said I didn’t do it. I think you’re like, “Can you tell us what it was?” Sure. But I won’t sell it, “Hey, these pools…” I used to really sell it. “Hey…” But all I’m saying is if you have an above-the-ground pool, at least dig a hole and hide it, that’s all. That would be great music to have in real life. Like if your credit card got declined. “Sorry it’s been declined.” You’re like, “Oh, that’s not…” Is K What don’t they get? I’m being serious. I hope it’s funny, but you go, “Yeah…” Everyone mocks it for being a shithole, nobody goes, “What’s the problem?” You know, don’t they see that Target… Here’s the business plan for Target… “We’ll sell what K-Mart sells, but wipe shit off.” “Oh, yeah! I think there might be something there.” Ever noticed inside Target there’s Starbucks? It’s a pretty good idea, two companies that believe in customer satisfaction can share a building, most people don’t think of it. But I did one day… “They’re two different companies sharing a building.” You have to agree on cleanliness, on customer satisfaction. I had a good idea. Why don’t they take… K-Marts, right, it’s a good idea, seriously, get past the laughter of it and go… “Oh, yeah, this is actually a good idea!” Take K-Marts and put 7-Elevens inside. What do you think? They can have a big “who gives a shit?” festival. Two companies that could give a fuck about the consumer. God bless ’em, you know? They go, “We’re not like other companies, ‘wipe things, customers are coming.'” 7-Eleven, this could be their motto: “7-Eleven… “We’re open!” Maybe? I don’t know. Put a button on that. Now I want to talk about Subway. Sure, I go big. Subway, it’s not their food I have a problem with, it’s their… look, it’s too bright. It’s too bright. It’s so bright. Put a lower bulb in there. Whenever I say this, people go, “All right, Todd, I agree with your atmosphere shit but…” I go, “Ha ha ha!” That’s funny, cos you know, if ten years ago I’d said, “Airlines should lower their lights, use blue lights. People would go, “OK, Todd…” But Virgin America did it. They fucking got it! Oh! How much more money is it to have people get on a plane that’s not too fucking bright? Oh, it’s free? Everyone else is just a dumb fuck? Fly Virgin American just cos someone said, “We don’t have to look ugly we fly!” I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. My goal is to make people change. Even… Is everything a joke to you, lady? It probably is, you come out, “Ha ha ha.” But I really do want people to realize… I’ll give you an example, I’m being serious. Most of your lights at home are too bright, OK? I know you’re like, “Shu… Huh?” When you have people over your house, it’s too bright. I imagine everyone’s thinking about when they have people over, going, “I don’t think mine are.” No one goes, “Mine are too bright, I don’t give a fuck.” No, no. People think lights go way up, so they turn them up. That’s where the mistake starts, because “the light goes up to there.” Do you turn everything way up? How about the volume on your stereo? I turn everything all the way up. The oven if cooking. It’s up, it goes all the way up. If you’re sitting there now… some people may think I’m right, others may say they know how to set their houses up, “I’m not perfect but not the worst.” You might be. Go home and look at your hallway, bathroom lighting. When people come over, the bathroom you provide for them. If you go look at it without boxing gloves on, if you look at it and go, “Fuck. He’s right! I’m not in the gray area.” Let yourself off the hook. But if you don’t go, “What the fuck?” That’s the room you provide people. Even if you’re not purposefully doing it, you’re going, “When people come over, “I have a room that leaves them feeling shitty. “They’ll look fat, look sweaty, they’ll look bloated. I give them that.” Restaurant are the same, their bathrooms are too bright. I go, “I hope you don’t sell desserts and go out of business.” You know what else? Can Whole Foods help me out with the bins of candy everywhere? It’s seriously hard not to eat it. I smoke pot, that’s not an excuse, cos what’s not yours is not yours, but you go in, there are bins of candy just there. Can’t they put Velcro for some resistance? You know, I have a good idea. Can’t they weigh you when you come in and when you leave? I’d be OK with that,  so I could graze. Lighten the ropes. Sometimes when I have visitors, I stage my refrigerator. I head to Whole Foods to do it. Like that wink? Don’t put it in. It was cheesy. Who am I? Next I’ll be kissing people and doing this… Waving at fake people in the audience – an old trick. People at home, “I guess he knows a lot of people.” What am I, Wayne Newton? So I stage my refrigerator, a lot of you may do it and not know what it means. It means you have company coming, you put better items in. You always act like, “What?” Put like six glass waters. “That’s just how I live. Is it different than most people?” “I thought everyone had six glasses of water lined up to the right.” “They don’t do that? Shut up! No…” “The lemonade with the corkscrew, is that different?” “Are there other types or something?” I didn’t contemplate that at Whole Foods for three hours cos it was 40 cents more. I go so far out of my way to stage my refrigerator. People come, mention it, I act… It’s embarrassing to talk about. I really do it. I’m not stopping. People go, “Oh, milk in a glass container!” I go, “I was in a hurry, grabbing stuff, putting it in. I didn’t notice.” Meanwhile, I’ve been refilling it with cheaper milk for years. I just ad lib this stuff, I’m not worried about it. No, that has nothing to do with that. That’s band cues. I don’t give a shit. Are you mad I don’t give a shit? Can you tell? Seriously. If I gave a shit, would I sit… Would I be here like this? If you were walking down the street and saw a guy leaning against the wall, be honest, if he was like this… You’d think he didn’t give a shit. I wanna be like them, not give a shit. I’ll sniff. Catch shit. “Throw me stuff.” I’ll catch it and talk about other stuff. “Throw me those keys. We going to the mall?” “Oh my God! He caught that, he’s already talking here”. It’d be about catching it, you know? How about guys who get into a take it easy fight? That’s sad. Ever see two guys get in one? “Take it easy.” “I am. You take it easy!” You know what this is, don’t you? They aren’t in touch with their emotions. Neither wants the other to know he’s got the best of him. They act like they’re taking it easy, anyone watching from two feet away, “I don’t think either one’s taking it easy!” “Take it easy.” “I’m taking it easy! You fucking take it easy!” “You take it easy!” One guy probably gets his wife. “Tell him I’m taking it easy.” “He is. He doesn’t want to argue. You should see him upset.” Why would I lie? People say that too. “Why would I lie?” To get out of something! What, did you hope I was an idiot? That’s like when a detective, you see real interrogation footage, they go, “Why would I murder my family? It’s my family!” Are they hoping to get the world’s dumbest detective? “Yeah, why would you? Get out of here! I didn’t think of that.” Later, he’s talking to the other detectives. They’re like, “What happened to that guy?” “He made a good point. Why would you murder your family?” “People do!” “Shit, I didn’t think of that. Get him.” “He’s probably by the kerb area.” Do something. Nah, it’s too late. I hit a food truck recently. True story. I hit a food truck and uh… I don’t think there should be food trucks. I hit the food truck and broke the guy’s bumper. I understand having to pay for it, my insurance company says… I gotta get him a deep fryer, too? That doesn’t make sense! What are you gonna do? Sure, I understand it’s my fault I hit the truck. If I gotta get him a tail light, I will. But a pizza oven? Sure, I understand it’s my fault if I hit him. But I gotta get him tacos? That doesn’t make sense! Sure, I hit the guy’s car, I want to take responsibility for it, but I gotta get a five speed blender? Yes, it’s my fault, but I gotta get him a pasta maker… Put a button on it, goddammit! Is that public domain? Thank you. You never know with these guys. They think I’m rich. Talking to me before the show… “Make sure your songs are public domain!” Great. I’ll sing, “This old man had a boat,” whatever that song…. ♪ This old man, he played da He played knick knack on his van ♪ ♪ With a knick knack paddy whack Give a dog a bone ♪ ♪ This old man came rolling home! ♪ Know what? Ladies and Gentlemen, bring it down a bit… Many don’t know I’m famous for improv’, I might poke fun at it I can improv’ songs about people in the first row. I’m pretty good. ♪ Look at this guy wearing a suit He’s got a red tie, he a black suit ♪ ♪ You’ve a bow tie, you have brown You have a red dress ♪ ♪ You have glasses, you red hair You a tattoo, you’re brunette ♪ ♪ You’ve got that and you’re doing that Everybody’s wearing this ♪ ♪ You wear that, you that, You have that and you do this ♪ ♪ You do that and you do this, Everybody does this, you do that ♪ ♪ This is public domain ♪ ♪ I sing public domain songs cos they’re free ♪ ♪ Don’t give a shit Don’t wanna spend a lot ♪ ♪ Da da dada da da da ♪ Hello, everybody. I’m Johnny Cash. QVC, it’s better than you think! You have to genuinely start watching QVC. Not just passing it by, saying, “I get it. They make…” It’s sad! It is truly sad. There’s no way the people who call in are real. They’re like, “I love your show.” What show Why am I mad they think it’s a show? Cos I don’t think they’re real. I think they’re producers. Nobody is calling in, “I love your show.” I’d like to meet one of those people. “What’s your favorite episode?” “I love the one where they talk about the vacuum for an hour.” Oh… “Oh, you have problems. What’s your other favorite shows?” “I like the mall.” “Oh, you think stores are shows? OK! “I understand.” It’s more sad than anything. They go, “Oh, you can get these pants on FlexPay.” I promise you this is true. It sounds too sad, pants on FlexPay. I understand a vacuum. But sweatpants? They go, “8.88 a month.” They act like it’s you only have to pay that one bill. Cos you got your pants on FlexPay, every month you get your bill, “OK… Got my 8.88!” The rest of my paycheck I’ll go have fun with. If you’re putting pants on FlexPay, you’ve already been at the end of your financial rope. You’ve already put shit on a credit card. No one starts with pants and works up to a house and boats. House Hunters is hard for me to complain about, but let me explain something. House Hunters… Technically… It’s hard to complain about something you don’t have to do. So why don’t you just not watch it and not do this bit? All right. I think I have a loophole. I think they suck you in at the 27-minute mark where they show you the house. They go in, then go: “We’ve been here two weeks, or a month”, then show what they did. I’m already looking around them when they’re talking I’m like, “Oh, what did they fuck up?” Trying to see if they fucked the kitchen. You know. They got cheap appliances, great. That’s all I waited for. Then once in a while, they go, “You did a good job, what I would do.” Mostly, they mess it up. “Oh, we’ve been here a month. We added popcorn ceilings.” I’m like, “Oh… I thought you wanted to get rid of that.” There’s always a guy walking around looking where to put his TV. I don’t know why it bothers me. I’m gonna guess, and I have, it’s like, “Can I put my TV there, or should I put it there?” The guy’s a fucking idiot. Then I thought, “You shouldn’t call people idiots.” What do you call a guy buying the biggest purchase based on where to put his TV? Idiot, right? It’s more about this relationship, he’s worried where he’s going to put his TV, and then.. he wants to know where he can have his man cave. Why does man cave rub me the wrong way? I have friends that are happily married. Some of them need to get away from their wives, or vice-versa. Significant others getting away from significant others. I’m not talking about that… But none of my friends are happily married. None will go, “If only I had a room she couldn’t come in! Hehehehe!” Are you sure you’re OK “I need a man cave! To get away from that!” To get away from that You’re married! “I need a man cave!” I’m thinking of giving this bit to Brian Regan. I need a man cave! Need to get away from the thing I married! I wanna get a man cave to cave sit in the woods. I need to get away, I need a cave and a room to hide in from my significant other that I chose to be with! Build me a room, I’ll never let her in, ever! Wow! That’s fun to do. Um… The other person, they’re sexist on the show, they show the guy with the man cave, the woman wants a walk-in closet. On that show, it’s always, “Does it have a walk” I’m not exaggerating. It’s sad, sometimes. It’s like, “I have… I have so many things!” They’ll show them a house with a small walk-in, they feel it’s necessary, knowing there’s a camera crew, to go, “That’s not even enough for my things! “I got a lot of things, I don’t think you understand!” “All I need is a walk-in closet. I could put my favorite chair in it.” You need a walk-in closet, you need a man cave, why not get couple’s counseling and enjoy your living room? But that’s more of a TED Talk… They want their granite countertops so bad! Oh, do they. “Does it have granite countertops?” “Our friends from Irvine have them, we need them!” I… Just relax, it’s not that important. “Does it have stainless steel?” You know? Stop it, already. You know, Timothy… I have an idea… Hopefully, you can do something illegal and get put in prison, have all the stainless steel you want. These are just ideas. Then, when you’re in prison, maybe you’ll get killed, then you’ll get granite countertops with your name on! No. Let’s not… There are certain things, nah, that’s OK… Didn’t I tell ya? A dear friend, Rory Scovel… Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck… -Rory Scovel is my friend! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! Fuck Rory Scovel! -Rory Scovel is my friend! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -All right. Fuck Rory Scovel! -Fuck Rory Scovel! -Yeah. Fuck Rory Scovel… Does it work on you guys, too? Ever have something bother you and you don’t know why? Sometimes things bother you and you know why. Sometimes you wonder. It doesn’t bother anyone else, but I’ll say it. If there’s one person here, I can tell, who it bothers, I’ll be happy. I don’t like when people walk backwards on the treadmill. I just… All right, you’re great. Oh, what muscle are you working? Please. It’s like when people overstretch. Not all people overstretch. Sometimes at the gym I see somebody stretching. It’s healthy to stretch, that person gets it. Other times, I go, “Shut the fuck up with your stretching!” Shut the fuck up with what you’re doing, that’s all. Other than that, who cares? This bothers me, if it doesn’t bother you, I understand, if your partner comes out of the bathroom flossing, walking around the bedroom and neither of you mind, that’s OK, but if someone corrects you, asks you not to, don’t make them the crazy person. You’re walking out… I had my sister-in-law and my brother staying in my guest room… -Oh! I have a guest room! Wow! -That’s not even a brag. I’m so wealthy! -I’m not saying I’m wealthy. -I have a room I don’t even use, I just have guests, wow! Oh, I already have enough rooms, but I guess I could use a couple more. I am so Todd Glass! This is my… She comes out of the bedroom flossing, she’s like, “How are you?” Food particles are flying all over, I said, “Please, don’t do that.” She goes,  “They’re just teeny pieces.” Most expect me to say, “No, they’re gigantic.” No, they’re smaller than teeny, probably closer to microscopic, but if someone came over your house, this is to everyone flossing, you can floss all you want, but you can’t wiggle out of what I say. You have to go, “Fuck, that’s true”, and just soak it in. Here’s the deal, if you floss walking around your house and this happened, you’d have no defense. Say someone came with a bucket of the things they’d saved for ten years, every time they floss they put it in a bucket, they come to your house, take a handful with a plastic glove, you’re “ewwing” at the thought, I wanted to wear a glove to calm you, and they take that plastic glove and start throwing stuff all over your bedroom. Your only defence is, if you floss, going, “No, we do that slowly.” That’s all you got. I hope you’re happy. Thank you. I swear to God, to the truth, I told her, “If ever a joke doesn’t hit give me a triangle.” I thought that did all right! Apparently she goes, “I think this is a time he needs my help.” Pigeons can get on my nerves. I like to get mad about pigeons. Here’s the deal with pigeons. Sometimes I think they’re passive aggressive. I think they could be a bit. You ever… OK. You know when the light turns green, there’s pigeons, I see it in the city, and the pigeons run out of the way at the last second, they’re like this then they literally start hustling. And they’re eating stuff out of the road, I’m not making fun of pigeons. Last night, this is true, why would I make it up? Right where you’re sitting, were two pigeons. Two pigeons sitting right there, I started my pigeon material and go, “I don’t care about making fun of pigeons, but are they pigeon jokes pigeons could laugh at?” That’s OK. You can make fun of people, but not group make fun. If you leave this room tonight and tell your friends, “He said he had pigeons in the first row, there weren’t pigeons.” They’ll go, “How does that benefit him?” You’re gonna look stupid. You’ll go, “I guess he could benefit. Why would he make it up?” I started my pigeon jokes, I looked down, they were like, “It’s so true!” Nothing makes me happier than that. But sometimes… they eat stuff on the road, why do they have to wait til the last minute? There’s not London broil in there, they’re eating sand! You know? They run out of the way, I think they’re passive aggressive, acting like they’re trying their hardest, “If only I could fly…” Wait, you can fly! Jump and stay jumped, all right? They’re like, “Haha, suck my pigeon dick!” Whoa! “Suck my pigeon dick,” a good name for my special. There are things that literally I’ve thought about for… I’m likely sanding years off, ten years ago I saw a woman eat a KitKat so slow I haven’t stopped talking about it. I wanna figure it out, I wanna go, “Was I getting upset with nothing or was she doing something?” Cos I’m very open to go, “That has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.” She was eating it like,  “Oh, I’m so… just eating… No. What?” You know! You eat it  like that when nobody’s around It’s eleven o’clock at night, you crave a KitKat, nobody’s looking, you eat it and put it down? Then she was reading her book going back and forth, I’m like, “You’re full of shit! Is that book as good as a KitKat?” No, I’m not aggressive. I just want to know if that book is as good as that KitKat. Is it chocolaty and crunchy?  I’m not trying to be rude. That’s all I’m asking. Then she puts her KitKat on the tray table, honestly, reads the book for six minutes, I’m like, “No! You don’t stop fucking to have soup.” That’s a good analogy. It is, cos it makes you get past it. “Oh, no, you haven’t had my soup. Let’s fuck, have some soup.” I’m sure the fucking’s better! I have a confession to make. Sometimes when I’m on stage, I’ll talk about how cute dogs are. When I see the audience doesn’t match my intensity, I started pulling back. I’m like, “They’re so cute. You want to mush their little faces.” People are with me. I wanna bite them. I wanna bite them. Like not to, you know, but you get a little, right? I mean bite. Like, I’ll turn their little lip up and suck it. They’re so good, and once they’re next to you like… You’re like, “Oh, you’re letting me do this. Let me really get this. What’s under your lips? It’s all goodness. Let me see your ear, let me suck on that ear. Everything about you’s fucking… You’re non-judgemental, kind, decent, I wanna suck it out of you. I want some of that in me.” You know? Everyone has a voice for their dog. You just do it naturally. I watched a dog named Ursula, she was a bulldog. When I was eating, she had a voice, she’d casually do it, she’d go, “Oh, my God,” if she could talk, don’t think I’m losing my mind, “Oh, my God, I love chicken! I’m not even just saying it.” You know, like, other dogs are like, “Whatever you have, I really like it.” I’d go, “Ursula, it’s pizza.” “I love pizza. Is it from that place?” So cute. I used to come home when I first watched her, I did it for seven months, my friends were out of town. At first, when I came home, she didn’t look like she cared about me. She’d be… I’d walk by, I’d be like, “Hey, Ursula.” My mom told me, “Treat her like a Golden Retriever. Her grumpy face doesn’t match her heart.” I thought about that. I walk in one day, I swear this is true, I go, “Ursula!” She’s like, “Oh, my God!” She started flipping out. I said, “I love you.” She started running around like crazy. I’m like, “She thought I didn’t like her. I thought she didn’t like me.” Then I figured out she laughs at aggression. I can yell at her and she loves it. But I yell at her nice things. I’ll be like, “No, Urusla…” I’ll do this with nobody around. “No, it’s not my fault you’re so cute. I have to bite you!” She’s like… “Are you wearing new perfume? It’s driving me fucking nuts!” That doesn’t scare her. When people say, “Dogs don’t understand verbiage, only tone.” Tell them to get the fuck away. You know those people, they don’t think we understand that there are boundaries in human and dog relationships. They’re so worried about it that they think, they think… They have to go, “The only reason your dog licks you is for the salt.” I have to do their voice like that, I don’t know how else someone would come to that conclusion. It seems like you’re nervous for shit to talk about. You’ve told a lot of people, not just me. I wanna know why you’re telling everyone that. “The only reason your dog licks you is the salt.” Great. I’ll go home and hit my dog, “What am I, a salt lick? You fuck! “I thought you wanted to fuck me!” Everyone has a voice for their dog, I take her to the park, a guy comes over, being nice, “I know what you’re thinking, ‘What’s everybody patting me for?'” I go, “Sir, that’s not my dog’s voice. I have one, it’s not…” He’s here tonight. Some people say “I hate cats.” First of all relax. “I hate cats.” Really? Really Isn’t the truth you saw a cat you loved, a big fat tabby cat come out of someone’s bedroom you went, “Pst”, it walked away, “Fuck I hate cats.” No, cats hate you. Come on! No, come on. I got you good. Well… ♪ This is a song ♪ ♪ I wrote ♪ ♪ In case ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Didn’t ♪ ♪ Think ♪ ♪ I ♪ ♪ Had an hour of material! ♪ ♪ I was worried That I didn’t have enough material! ♪ ♪ When you do a special They think you have an hour ♪ ♪ I ran it up in San Francisco ♪ ♪ And I wasn’t sure ♪ ♪ So I wrote this song ♪ ♪ In case I didn’t have enough material ♪ ♪ Now, I would think That I have enough now ♪ ♪ But I’m never sure So I wrote this song ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha-ha-ha ha ♪ ♪ This is a song I wrote ♪ ♪ In case I didn’t think ♪ ♪ I’d have enough material ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah Blah blah blah blah blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah, blah-blah ♪ ♪ Blah blah blah-blah blah blah ♪ OK, I think I’m good. You gotta chug it out. Let’s talk about Sea World… They’re deciding to do away with torturing animals. I can’t believe they got away with it this long. They always interrupt the news, “A killer whale has killed a trainer.” It’s sad when a human loses their life, but unpredictable? They interrupt the news like this is unpredictable. We tend to give unpredictable events the most empathy. They couldn’t have prevented it. Ever had a friend who complains and you think, “He brings it on himself.” Imagine that friend doing this in your house, picture it! Your friend goes, “You’ll never believe what happened, and it’s not like when I did drugs. Something happened. Nobody could’ve seen this coming. Just listen, OK? I… This is gonna take a turn, it’s gonna freak you out. I got a killer whale out of the ocean with a crane. Just listen… It takes a freaky turn. Whatever you’re guessing, get it out of your head. So we put it in a baby pool in my backyard. “It’s scared shitless cos it doesn’t have its sonar. “A friend of mine sits on it and tries to teach it tricks. You won’t believe what happened.” “Did it kill him out of fear?” “Shut up! How did you guess?” The guys that stupid, he can’t believe. “There’s no way I could’ve predicted that! That’s crazy!” Can I tell you something else? I want you to go home, take your fish tanks and empty them into the street! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, when I came to LA in the early 90s, there were fish running all over the place! Come on, it’s not a joke. And another thing… the big fanfare gets a bit much, people criticize. But I will tell you, give me a little more, let’s talk about declawing cats… People in the audience have cats, I’m gonna talk about declawing cats. There might be people who have declawed cats like, “Will I enjoy this bit?” If you have a declawed cat, it’s OK, you already declawed it, how can you realize I made a point if I don’t let you out of the guilt of having done it. People are, “It’s me.” If your cat’s declawed, your pool above ground, I doubt you like my show.. If your cat is, go home if you want to relieve yourself, but go home and tape knives to its feet, let it scrape up some of the furniture. But if declawing your cats makes sense, the role play coming up shouldn’t seem silly. Imagine someone, “You talk about loving cats but don’t have one.” “They scrape up furniture, I couldn’t get one.” They go, “No… You don’t just not get it, you adapt it to you. Bring it to the vet, they pull it out with pliers. A well thought-out person doesn’t think ‘I won’t get one.’ My daughter wanted a giraffe, I had to have its feet cut off! My son wanted a lion, I had its teeth sanded down.” Bring it home, guys! Now, let’s talk organized religion. There is no Better Business Bureau, can we agree? If there was, wouldn’t they have stopped that? Even if they did almost nothing. “They’d stop organized religion, it’s an atrocity.” No, seriously, I’m not talking about your belief in God, relax. So many are going, “Whoa.” If you believe in God, you go directly to God, “Organized religion’s done a lot of damage,” I do. I’m talking about organized religion, if… If Nike said, “If you don’t buy our product, you’ll rot in Hell,” the Better Business Bureau would say “You can’t say that.” “But we believe it.” “You can’t say it.” Some people worry about their eternal life. I think it might be how kind you are while here. That might be it. That’s why you wanna make sure you aren’t giving a group of people a hard time you should be making breathe easier. There’s natural disasters, we all know that, there’s earthquakes, there’s floods, that’s what’s supposed to destruct against our will, people are only here to be nice. If you use your energy to make a group feel less, you’re another natural disaster. Who cares? I don’t want to be preachy. Let’s have fun. Are you having a good time, everybody? I don’t wanna… That’s not what I’m here to talk about! I enjoy smoking, it works for me. I don’t smoke during the day, I’m not a daytime pot smoker, cos I’m not productive. Once I did, or twice in my whole life, I smoked during the day. All I did was call all my friends and go, “Oh, my God, I’m so high!” I wanted them to say how high they were. I don’t want to hang with people like, “I drive good high,” you don’t get high good! It makes no sense. “I get high, follow the rules of the road. It’s fun. There’s nothing like getting high and merging.” Sure, maybe I’ll do some heroin and do my taxes! I know how to enjoy life, I really do! But, uh, you know, I was on a plane, a woman offered me a Reese’s cup. I said, I’d smoked pot a few times on a plane, won’t again. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I just said stuff. She goes, “Want a Reese’s cup?” I said, “I’d like both.” Then I go, because… And I understand what I meant, I don’t enjoy one Reese’s cup, just one and nothing. If I have a bowl of them, I enjoy every one, cos there’s seven more, ten more, preferably more. When I get to the last one, I’m like, “May as well throw it out, I won’t enjoy it.” So, that’s all I wanted. I’ll say things my friends will figure out right away. I’ll say one thing, all heads will turn in the car. Once I was driving through a shitty neighborhood, I saw a bird and said, “Why would a bird live in a shitty neighborhood?” He’s like, “Are you high?” I’m like, “How did you know?” I thought it was so perceptive that a good friend was able to… I go, “Seriously, how did you know?” “You asked why a bird would live in a shitty neighborhood…” “Oh, yeah!” “How come there’s extra large and extra small, but no extra medium?” “That’s a good thought!” Hey, ladies and gentlemen, is there any bit I haven’t done and now’s a good time? Yell it out. Do the bit about when you were little. All right, there we go. Um… -Richard. OK, cool. There you go. When I was little, my head was the same size and every picture of me, my parents are making an album, they send me pictures, every one is me like this… Now, I’m 11 or 12, even eight, every picture’s like this. Because I was always asking questions, like, “Why don’t we have a circle driveway?” No kid should want a circle driveway, we’ll talk about that, I did want one. I asked my parents, “Mom, why don’t we have a circle driveway?” I was in Fifth Grade! The Nalibotskis had a nice circle drive, I’d stare at it like this. I wanted it so bad. Those people years later, this is true, I promise, came to my show, they came over, “You probably don’t remember,” Which I didn’t,  when they said I remembered I loved circle driveways. They go, “We had a circle driveway, an important part of the story.” I go, “I don’t know what I did, but I badly wanted one.” “We don’t know how old you were, you walked to school staring at it.” I was! They tell me I was staring at their drive like this. They came out and said something like “Can we help you” I go, “How much is that?” I wanted to go home and tell my parents. “Look, this is like 100 bucks.” I swear I remember asking my parents why we didn’t have one, she goes, ” We didn’t want one.” Shut up! The builder asks if you want a free one, “Nah, we don’t like it. “We like a regular driveway, what do we give a shit” When I was little, I’d look at adults and go, “I want to be them. I could do that.” I had no idea what I’d do for a living. My parents were so worried I wouldn’t find anything to do, I wasn’t retaining anything in school. Because of that, whatever I did they’d go, “You could be a dog walker.” I’m like, “I’m gonna be all right” Um… I’d go to the car wash, I saw the owner walking around and go, “I could do that, look at him. Walking around telling people what to do. Looks fun! ‘Customers waiting!’ I think I’d really get into that.” Once, my dad’s car came through, and he goes, “Kevin, run that guy’s car through again, it’s filthy.” My dad goes, “That’s OK.” He goes, “No, no, no.” Then me and my brothers did a bit all day as the guy not taking no for an answer. Even at that age we did bits. The bit was, “No, it’s OK.” He’d go, “No! You got a shitty Impala, this is probably your only good day. Let me fucking wash it. My name’s out there! Sure you don’t care, look at you! Your wife’s probably not attractive. Let me run it through again.” My dad would be, “OK, whatever.” There was a restaurant owner, I thought for sure I could be him. He’d walk around, he knew everybody. I was impressed with that. Ever been to a place where they do that? “How you doing? Good to see you.” “I could do that.” “Hey, you good?” He didn’t know much about everybody, he’d walk fast. “Good to see you. Mom’s OK Haha!” They’re like, “I don’t know.” He goes, “Gotta run!” “I don’t… Maybe I mentioned a car to this guy… Maybe he has a better memory than me.” He’d always say hello to people. One time, I was maybe 13, but I remember this, so does my brother, the owner of the restaurant got the guy’s name completely wrong. He’s like, “Hey, Bill.” The guy goes, “Actually, my name is…” And he got out of it. Watch. This guy did it. This is real, he did it. When I do it, you’ll be like, “That works.” What’s your name, sir? Kale, that’s a great name. You should change yours to Kale. I’ll say, “How you doing, Bob?” You’ll say, “Actually, it’s Kale.” OK? I’ll walk through, “How ya doing, Bobby?” “It’s Kale.” Give me chance to say my line first, then “It’s Kale.” People fuck it up a lot. -My name’s Kale. That’s all right. Have fun. Good to see ya. You good? You good? The guy was like, “Aw, I will have fun!” How the hell did he just do that? “Have fun.” Put it on him. “Don’t worry about it.” Sometimes when you do stand up you exaggerate the truth, but I’m being genuine with you. About five years ago, I had a heart attack. -Oh, I had a heart attack! -That’s not even bragging. -Wow! Look at me. -That’s not bragging. -My arteries got clogged. I got thrown in an ambulance! I honestly had a heart attack about five years ago. I’m fine now, don’t be upset. It was after a show, Sarah Silverman & Friends had a show, After… You’d do the show, Sarah’d like to smoke pot. She’d put a friend on as a headliner, me, of course… After the show, I didn’t feel well, I didn’t know what it was. I thought I’d run around the audience too much doing bits. I got off stage feeling ill, thought it would pass. I thought I’d smoked too much. I’m a one-pot hit. Doug Benson was there, lot of other comedians. They had three joints going, it hit me five times, I was like, “Eh.” Finally, I said, “I think I’m too high to go on.” Doug goes, “What was that like?” You’re like it all the time. It’s too high for me, not you. He didn’t understand, he thought he’d never been too high. I can’t handle it. I need to pace myself. I can’t be high where I float in the air. I wish I could let myself go. No matter how much pot I’ve ever smoked, how much mushrooms I’ve done, I’ve only tried those drugs, I still can’t stop cleaning. I don’t know what it would take. I’m gonna try heroin. No, if I did heroin, I’d still dry the sink out. I’d be, you know… Have a… I’d be fainting on the floor like “Must dry sink” on heroin. Finally, an ambulance comes, and I don’t want to get in the ambulance. The paramedic’s pretty smart, he goes, “Why don’t we just put you in and save you a trip to the ER.” It worked. Got in. Two minutes later, he goes, “I don’t want to alarm you, but you’re having a heart attack.” Firstly, that’s alarming, what else will they say or do? “No, that’s cool.” I’d blow a bubble or something, Um… As they go to shut the doors, I have one of those moments, I don’t have them often, but you get a moment where you look at yourself like, “Really, is this how I want to continue this lie?” Cos as they’re shutting the doors, I yell to Sarah, “Call my girlfriend!” Uh-eh… Uh-eh… Very, you know… Uh-eh… Call my girlfriend. Like… Later I asked if she knew what I meant she said yeah. I think from how you said it, “Girlfriend”, everyone knew. You were like, “Girlfriend, right, Sarah? My girlfriend!” What was I afraid of? People going, “He’s having a heart attack. I think he like dudes.” So, I will tell you this, I don’t talk about it that much cos some of the verbiage is hard for me to maneuver, I’m not crazy about the phrase, “Coming out of the closet”, it seems a bit flamboyant for me. Maybe,“Busting out of the shed” would work a little better. I’d feel cooler. Like… But the um… uh… thing where my friends figured it out was, first of all, I talked about a guy I was with, I’d always said girl, never messed up on stage. Nobody thought it was weird, it shows relationships are relationships. It’s not up for debate. That seems cocky. It’s all the same. Proof of it. I did a 15-year experiment talking out a guy on stage saying it was a girl. Nobody went, “It doesn’t sound like…” All the couples, all sexes, were like, “It’s just like us! Haha!” Well, I got news, fuckface! For 15 years, seriously, “That’s like us! That is just like us!” And that’s my point. It’s the same, right? Sorry, I didn’t meant to yell. Anyway… Granted, I would’ve got caught out if I told some stories, but I never did. If I was like, “So, I was talking to my girlfriend, she was peeing next to me in the bathroom… She wanted to go eat…” People are like, “How does she pee…” And I think that, um… Most friends said they figured out later, some knew, some didn’t care, some said it was by my relationship because you could tell… I always hid behind… Guys that are buddies with their friends argue, sometimes it’s a joke, “You seem like you’re dating”, and they’re just friends, so I hid behind that. But people could tell. I’d go, “No, you said if we did something you wanted to do last week, we could do something I wanted this week, you promised!” People are like, “I think they’re more than friends.” “I have a friend, but we don’t care that much.” Well, that, I think, cheapens it, but… So.. Anyway… They put me in the ambulance, bring me to hospital. we’re in the E.R., a nurse comes, “We have really good news, one of our best surgeons just pulled in.” That’s not good news. And first of all… Secondly, sorry. Can you have two first of alls? What are they gonna do? Go. “A guy just pulled in, bit of a drinker, he’s coming, he’s fun, keeps it light, said he operates blacked out.” They bring me up to the emergency ward and out of nowhere pull my pants off. I’m like, “What?” I know, you’re on so much medicine, you’d think I’d go, “You don’t even realize. You’re out of it, you lay naked.” No. I remember going, “Oh, my God, I’m having a heart attack, they’re looking at my dick. It’s there. “It’s laying there. I can’t go like this. OK, there’s my dick. “There’s my dick. There’s my dick!'” I thought to myself, “These are professional nurses, they’re desensitized to this.” You know what? My paranoia, it could be a first day nurse, like, “Wow, don’t look, I know it seems like they know.” Or guys can look at people’s penises, I’m very open-minded. I shouldn’t make the nurse the woman. It was a guy and a girl. Both staring at my cock. My material is politically correct. Can I say one thing about PC? I’ll be quick. Get ready to stop me. Stop with everyone so PC. It’s just called kind, that’s what it is. Just get over it. Seriously. Just think if you walk around like, “Everyone’s PC,” It’s not PC! It’s just fucking kind. Put a button on it. So I want to talk about my heart attack a bit more. All I want to do is start hitting my penis just to make it… I don’t know if the doctor’s unprofessional. Maybe he’s, “He has a small penis. This guy may have a better life.” Not consciously, maybe unconsciously, “This guy has a bigger dick, we’ll operate on him, then…” So I hit it a little bit. Let me tell you, swimmer shrinkage is one thing, heart attack dick is way worse. Heart attack dick’s like, “Who’s the nice young lady we’re operating on?” These are some jokes I didn’t get to, I think we wrote something for it. Here we go, guys. ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t get to ♪ ♪ These are the jokes he didn’t do ♪ Now, I really wish I had time to get to these jokes, but I don’t, I’m on a time restraint. This is funny, I’m going to jot it down and work it into a bit, don’t think your laughter means nothing. I’ll do it, just not in this special. I was on a bus, and the driver goes, “Any doctors on board? A lady’s ill.” I said to my friend, “If you’re a doctor on a bus, is that the doctor you want?” More of a… Know what I mean? Is there a financial planner in the Super Show? My wife has a few questions. This is an idea, what I thought, so you know, there’s something there, I gotta do something with it, anybody could do something like this. You know when the TSA pat you down? Just go, “Oh, I came.” I don’t know… I was thinking about opening up a massage parlor. This is definitely something I’ll work on. I was gonna open a massage parlor with happy beginnings. Maybe there’s something. If Cookie Monster loves cookies, why do the cookies fall out? The person eating the cookies should be the Cookie Monster. Maybe he’s a cookie liker. Anyway… That’s probably dated. And then, uh… This is something I wish I’d talked to, I like doing this bit, what if Rodney Dangerfield did Mitch Hedberg jokes? “A guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, I want a regular one later!'” “I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to, too. You know?” “I saw a sign, it said, ‘Escalator broke.'” “Shouldn’t it say, ‘Escalator temporarily stairs?'” Anyway, I wish I had time for that bit, but I don’t, so… Todd, we love that bit! -Well, I don’t have time for it. -It’s our favorite bit! -It’s our favorite bit, Todd! -Come on! It’s the only reason we showed up. I got one thing to say. the acting isn’t so great. Anyway… I do want to know if there is a bit I didn’t do, yell it out, I’ll do it. OK, mumbling Rodney. Now, mumbling Rodney is just… Do you know Roger Dangerfield was the first… Roger Dangerfield was a comedian, many don’t know, because Roger complained, but didn’t make it funny, he’d go, “My son’s not too smart, he’s doing bad in school.” OK. but… “My wife, I’m in a horrible relationship, it’s hard.” The audience was like, “We feel bad for you.” “My wife’s not a good cook, we don’t enjoy it.” He gets it, there’s something there. “My daughter’s not too bright, it shows when she talks with bad verbiage.” People’d be like, “There’s something there.” But Rodney figured how to make it funny, “The other day there was this thing with a penguin… The other day I was walking around… I tell you my daughter did this thing with a muffler. You know? I’ll tell ya, my son sits around the house with a shed… My wife’s not too great either with a… Bada ho… Huda ha! Whoa. Hey! Ha! Ho, hey, ho. ha!” This is a professional show. Well… Wow, you people are nice! Seriously nice, not just me saying. What was that Who was that? That’s not cos your phone went off. No, no, no. Don’t make me a bad guy. Please don’t make me a bad guy. I know it hurts, next time you’ll remember to order prop bottles. You gotta teach ’em. I saw Whiplash, hit them on the head with a bottle or they don’t learn. Here’s the thing, ever have something where you think… You’ve figured out the world’s problems? “That’s what it all leads back to.” It’s all about empathy. I’ve figured it out. We could move faster… I’m being very serious, I’m passionate about this, talk about it 24/7. People come to my house, I talk about it. I go, “Why talk about it?” They go, “No matter what we talk about, you start talking about it.” “That’s like people saying we should go back to how we were.” People go, “It isn’t. I guess he’s segueing into his thought.” Um… It’s always kids today. I know there are people that if I don’t be specific with might go, “I don’t do that.” A 25-year old here going, “No.” It starts stopping at 25. Let me take the tone out of my, really try to stop it. Many say, “Kids today…” I know everyone wants to go… They’re brilliant, I’m not talking about every kid. The masses, you gotta admit, aren’t… It’s not how it works. It’s not up for debate. Blenders get better, kids get smarter, that’s the way it is. People go, “Kids today…” If kids today had a Yelp review, young adults, I should say, it would be impeccable. While they’re doing things, whatever they’re fighting for, people think it’s up for debate, 40 years later we look back and go, “They’re right almost every fucking time.” Next time there’s young people doing something you don’t understand, you don’t have to do it, but listen. Go, “They have an amazing Yelp review, of being on the right side of history.” You know when people go, “Ah”. The reason you may not think it, you see them on their phones and go, “They’re on their phones.” You don’t hang out with young people, so have a version of what they’re like. Here’s an example. Excuse me, I’ve had a few drinks. You’d… Nobody… The way you become prejudiced to a group, is there’s none of those people in your life. Nobody goes, “I’ll have a hundred Jewish friends and I hate Jewish people.” No. Except maybe Jewish people, that’s another thing. The reason you don’t have any kids in your life, say you work in an office, a 19-year old’s having a party. He’ll invite a 75-year old working there, go, “They’re so cool, gotta invite them!” But they won’t invite you if they always hear you going, “It was better. There are no good bands these days. Everything was better back then.” Who the fuck wants you at a party? Even if you’re right, I need some dumb 40-year old saying there are no good bands? This is the 40-year old who doesn’t go see bands doesn’t go to hip places where cool new bands play, he watches bands on TV and goes, “I was born in a better time.” Well, guess what? Shama Lama Ding Dong’s on your dime! Hold on. Then… I got one more thing. People go, “Oh, the kids, you know what? Kids today won’t be able to read maps in five years.” Two things. Firstly, who gives a shit? Secondly, they’re not going to be able to churn butter, either! They can’t make smoke signals. Know why they can’t read a map? And they can, I’m going with your premise, cos I gotta beat it outta ya. The reason they can’t read a map, is cos they invented one on their phone that reads to them, ya dumb fuck! And these are the same people that are like, “Oh, you can’t say anything anymore. You can’t say anything anymore.” You know who says that? Most of the time, people with nothing fucking to say! Know when they say that? Not when wanting to write poetry or music everyone disagrees with, when corrected for using gay, retarded, fag as adjectives. Further back, “Jew me down”, that’s when they, “You can’t say anything anymore!” What the fuck are you saying that it inhibits you? What are your censors like? “I can’t say retarded or fag or Jew me down… “what am I gonna talk about?” These are the same people that go, “What’s next?” We’re onto you. Let’s make it clear what these “what’s next?” people are. They act like they’re OK with something, “I’m OK with gay marriage, but what’s next?” What do you give a shit? You sound like you’re saying, “I’m tired of evolving”. I’m not asking you to stop it, I’m going “Know what it sounds like…” When you get tired of growing, and go, “I already became OK with that, now I have to get to know this group of people?” You sound like, “Should I keep growing ’til I die? Next time there’s a group of people and I don’t understand their lifestyle, I’ll take a little time, learn about them and end up loving them!” These same people go, “There wasn’t depression.” They have some deluded thing, “There wasn’t depression back then.” Yeah, people drank themselves to death! There was shit going on. “We didn’t have peanut allergies then. When I was growing up, we didn’t have peanut allergies.” They were called “unexplained deaths”, you dumb fuck! That’s how to close a show. Goodnight everybody! One of you pooped. I know it. It was not me. Honest. You pooped. – Seriously… -You pooped. It’s very unprofessional to ask who pooped. -It’s unprofessional, you know. -You pooped. It doesn’t matter, you’ll never find out, I know. -You pooped. You pooped. -I did not. -It’s unprofessional. -You pooped.

1686241941-163

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

EDDIE IZZARD: STRIPPED (2009) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-stripped-2009-full-transcript/

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) London! London! London. London. There’s only one London in the world except for all the other ones, which is really annoying. CouIdn’t there just be one? Thank you very much. But we were called Londinium by the Romans. And we said, ”No, we’re not gonna do that. ”We’re gonna change some of the vowels at the end and then just put them… ”Because we want the ‘ondon’ sound.” And I think that’s what we’re most attached to. When I think of London, I think of the ”ondon,” the same o-n-o-n bit at the end. And we have no songs. There’s no songs. Well, there’s one song for London. But we should have a song that… ‘Cause there’s American songs. # New York… New York… Chicago… And Chicago… San Francisco… # You know. But we should have one that reflects, I think, London vibrancy and London fuck-offness. # London, London Why don’t you all fuck off? # But come and spend your money Come around and spend your money # Have a good time then fuck off Then come back on Tuesday # At half past three ‘Cause we need some cash just then # Then fuck off, come back, fuck off, Come back, fuck off, come back # (AUDIENCE CHEERING) I think that’s… (CHEERING STOPS) That is the CD that’s on sale in my trousers. It’s a standard beginning of any show, that, all the way up Shaftesbury Avenue, except for every other theater. (VOCALISING) Tonight… Tonight I thought I’d talk about everything that’s ever happened in the world. And the critics… I said this. Critics said, ”No, you’re not.” ”Of course I’m not.” And they said, ”All right.” And I said, ”Why the fuck did you say, ‘No’?” And they went, ”’Cause we’re critics.” And then we all met in a dark alleyway and we slapped each other. But… No. ‘Cause you people, you people here tonight, you are the thinking people. You have to be. If you’re going into theaters, if you’re going into these kind of things… Bill, Bill Bailey, most of the theaters. The musicals are slightly different. It’s not that they’re not thinking, but they’re more, # ”Yeah. There’s chickens on the… Throw them a rope, bring them a banjo # ”They’ll live forever as chickens with banjos and ropes” # You know. And people go, ”Yeah, I love that one, whatever they’re talking about.” And they all get married and have sex in trees. And they’re… There’s more of a… A visceral ride, emotional ride, something. But this… This, you have to be thinkers. You have to be thinkers out of the box or at least lid thinkers to come here. I think you have to be lid thinkers. You could have been dragged and you might be an in-the-box thinker going, ”Oh, my God, what’s he talking about? What’s all this?” But, yes, out-of-the-box thinkers who make up stuff like, ”Look, we could put spoons and they could run space.” And people say, ”What is that sentence you said there?” ”Okay, the sentence didn’t make sense.” ”We could put spoons… We could have spoons and they could run, ”I don’t know, out of the box.” And there’s lid thinkers saying, ”Well, we can see Jeff. He’s out of the box. ”And it’s an interesting idea. ”Maybe we’ll join him, maybe we’ll stay here.” Then there’s in-the-box thinkers going, ”I’ve got a ladder. ”Could I see the out-of-the-box thinkers?” Anyway. So, tonight, tonight we’ll talk with the use of Wikipedia, which has taught me so many things that I didn’t know and neither did you. Wikipedia has pages on everything. There’s almost nothing… Well, there was one thing I looked up and I couldn’t find, but I can’t remember what it is, so it probably doesn’t matter. Everything is in Wikipedia. Run by Mr and Mrs Wikipedia, who live in a toilet somewhere. They have no money, you know. I have… This is an image I have with… They do everything with torches, (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) old-fashioned torches, which are only used in treasure films now. ”Treasure’s down here, sir.” (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) ”You need one of these.” ”Oh, yeah.” There’s always about 12 of them. ”One for you. For the kids. For your wife. (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) ”Who is that? It’s Patrick. Do you want one? ”That’s a Zoom ice lolly.” The Zoom ice lolly, the closest we in the United Kingdom have got to the Moon. I remember licking the Zoom ice lollies, all three colours, thinking, ”We’re almost there, boys. We’re almost at the Moon.” But, no, we were almost at the ice lolly stage of the Moon landing. And we would finish the… And they’re still… Are they still on sale? Can you still get the Zoom? Ah! You see? It was still… It’s still wishful thinkment. Wishful… Wishful thinkment. Wish fulfilment. Wishful thinking. Wishful thinking and wish fulfilment is wishful thinkment, if combined. It was good, wasn’t it? The ’70s. From an ice lolly perspective. (LAUGHING) Yes, yes, so the Wikipedia people. And it’s stuff on everything. And you used to have arguments. How do you make… How do you make spoons, Jim, Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two people. How do you make them? And if no one knew, you’d go, ”Ah, fuck it.” And you wouldn’t go, ”I’ll join a library. ”I’ll join a library and I’ll get a library card after six months. ”And then I’ll look up spoons.” No, you wouldn’t. You’d just… You’d just give up then. But now we’ve got Wikipedia, we look up spoons. And you’d probably get bored within three lines, if you notice. It goes, ”Spoons were made from…” Within three lines, you’re going, ”Helicopters, helicopters… ”They took over the world… Chickens… Chickens drive helicopters. ”Alligators…” You know. And you can just keep going until you get to one and you click on it and it says, ”There is no page for this person.” And you think, ”Why did you put them in blue?” Don’t put them in blue and have no page. Just don’t put them in blue. We have been trained, like Pavlov and his dogs. Pavlov would train his dogs. Yes, still applause for Mr Pavlov. What a scientist. # What a scientist. What a guy # Make a pavlova with only paws # ”That’s a bit of crap.” ”We’ve got no thumbs.” Cake mix when I was a kid was a brilliant thing. You’d make a cake for your mum and… The cake, with a big, wooden spoon. And then you put that thing all in the bowl and they said you could lick the spoon. And you went, ”Oh, my God. This was fantastic. ”Wow, what are we doing with that? ”This is just… This is good. This is ready.” And then they’d take that, they’d put it in an oven and it would come out less good. It was… Wasn’t it? It’s not just me. It was genius before it went in and it came out, you know, (EXCLAIMING DESPONDENTLY) fine, but you have to put more stuff on it to make it back to this stuff. Just don’t put it in. And then when I was a student, I was sitting there… Well, it was before… It was after I was a student. I was unemployed for an entire year and I lived in Islington and I watched telly. For a year, literally. Really. Seriously. And I got encyclopaedic on the Australian daytime soap operas. And I was watching The Sullivans, which would come on about a family where, ”We’re going to go to war soon.” And that’s all I remember. And they got on well, lots of fighting. And I made… I thought, ”I’ll make some of this.” ‘Cause it just seemed really cheap. So… I was estimating margarine, sugar. And then I just made the whole bowl and sat there watching The Sullivans, eating. And I died. I actually… They had to pump me, you know. Cake was coming out of my ears. It makes a cake. Once it’s in there, the juices make a cake. And you’re going, ”Can you… Can you get it… There’s cake coming out of my ears.” So, that’s how I remember it. I phoned the police using the old phone, (MIMICKING DIALLING) which used to take for hours. Why do they put 999 right at the end of the dial? Our emergency services, 999. ”He’s dying.” ”I’m phoning.” (MIMICKING DIALLING) ”His leg has come off.” ”I’m doing it. I can’t remember how many I’ve done now.” (MIMICKING LINE DISCONNECTING) Why not 111? What bright spark didn’t go to 111? (MIMICS RAPID DIALLING) ”Come, come now. Okay. Cool.” That’s it. So, Wikipedia. Yes. On the very sexy computers. With, like, the Macintosh computer. I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. And you open it up and… In the old days, porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me. Friends who can spell ”porn.” Well, it was… That picture would come up. And you go, ”This is cat porn. This is a picture of a cat.” The picture’s a picture of a cat. But nowadays you’re just tip-tapping away and a little box comes up. ”Would you like a software update?” And you go, ”Yeah. ”Yeah, I’d like one of those.” It’s like a latte thing. ”Yeah, why not?” And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. Five minutes to download. Four minutes to download. Three minutes to download. Nine minutes to download. Two minutes to download. Seven hours to download. Six seconds to download. A light-year to download. And then it starts asking questions like, ”Will you sign a new agreement with iTunes?” And I’ve signed many agreements with iTunes. I don’t know what they want from me any more. Surely, they know I agree with them. I’m just… I’m there, you know? Why do they keep checking like I’m gonna go away? ”No, I no longer agree with you.” We all agree. And they’ve made us liars. You can’t say to children, ”Don’t lie.” ”Well, you said you’ve read the terms and conditions, didn’t you?” No one has read the terms and conditions, no one in the world. No one. Even the lawyers who wrote it wrote it like this. It could say anything in there. ”We will take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.” ”Yes.” ”Set fire to your hedges.” ”Why not?” ”Put your knee in a sling.” ”Yeah, gimme the…” ‘Cause you’re in ”go” fever at that point. ”Come on, give me the update.” ‘Cause it could be that one update, that one update that will make your life complete. You know, like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the… Update, ”Yes.” And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life. Whether they want to come or not. But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing, which is, basically, getting ready to go to the seaside with your bucket and spade, the engine on, and your dad says, ”Come on, everyone out of the car.” ”What? Where we going? Where we going? Where we going?” ”Everyone back in the car.” ”Back in the car? We just got out.” (MIMICKING ENGINE ROARING) ”What the fuck was that?” So, yes, and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed, which is a bit weird and annoying. If you have a PC computer, I think it’s a similar thing. You press the on button and then there’s a crank. You have to crank it. And then they get contact and they spin the propeller and you get in. (MIMICKING ENGINE THROBBING) ”Come on, the PC’s going.” And then you put on a 78 record. Move the horn around. (MIMICKING MUSIC PLAYING) Caruso sings the update. # ”Your PC is updated” # I’ve worked out that opera is just being… If you… If you… You either learn opera or you can just get a microphone and go… (MIMICKING OPERA MUSIC) # I’m going out down here I don’t know what I’m talking about # It’s rich people watching large people being shaken by small people. (VOCALISING) And also, the words should not be clear. # ‘Cause I’m going to go to the toilet # That’s not opera. Opera is… # I’m going to go to the toilet # And I never had a bath in there # Give him his marching papers # Send him to the chemist for tea tree oil # If you got that. And the women sing crazy. They’re so high. (SINGING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE) It’s like cats outside your window. (CONTINUES SINGING) (MIMICKING THUDDING) ”Ow! I’m not a cat. Fucking hell.” (CONTINUES SINGING) ”Tea tee oil!” # I’m going to give you tea tree oil I’m the chemist # Bloody tiring this way. But there are some songs which are faster. (FAST-PACED VOCALISING) # Figaro, Figaro Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro # What the fuck did he do? Did he eat something? What, has he got a bad leg? I know his first name. Continue. # Figaro, Figaro, Figaro Stevens # Went to the pub, went to the pub Figaro Stevens went to the pub # Went to the pub and read a French newspaper # So, I’ve Iearnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. If you’re very reIigious, then it’s not 4,500 miIIion years oId. It’s 6,000 years oId. One of these is not correct. Using simple logic here. Now the science boys, they got anoraks, they got gIasses, they got Bunsen burners and petri dishes. I’ve gotta go with them because they can bend gIass, if they heat it up, you know. And sodium chIoride and potassium permanganate makes potassium pomongadonkey. What was the one that was… (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) Was that one. And all that stuff that we did. And then, if you’re religious, the religious boys, they’ve got a book. And… Some…some…some really interesting stuff in there, good stories in the book. I mean, I think a lot of the people in there are true. I think it’s oral history. It’s been… Stuff in there’s true and there’s slavery in there. Hmm. Maybe crime against humanity there. In a good, moral book. Maybe it shouldn’t be in. Maybe the editor should have put a line through ”how to sell your daughter.” Don’t you think one of the popes would have thought, ”We could… Could we? ”You know, we’re dumping a lot of these books. Couldn’t we just cross out ”the slavery bit and pretend it never happened?” They left it in, till now. It’s still there. It makes me think there isn’t a God. I… ‘Cause I used to be an agnostic and now I’m an atheist. I’m all for spirituality and I think there’s a lot of religious people who’ve got a certain something. And I believe in us. I don’t believe in God. I believe in us, human beings. But if God was there… Thank you, one person. If God was there, I think the first line of the Bible should be, ”It’s round. ”Looks flat, but it’s round. Yeah, it spins. ”It’s like a big football, but… Oh, it’s very complicated. ”Imagine you’re an ant on a football and you’re spinning, but you can’t feel it.” Shit, shit, shit. ”Sorry about the slavery. Couldn’t get the staff. ”They seemed to like it.” Shit. All right, forget this bit. Right. ”In the beginning was the Word.” Don’t you think… If there was a God, don’t you think he would have flicked Hitler’s head off? Don’t you think? You know. ”Oh, I’m not allowed to do anything.” ”Well, fuck off then.” If you’re not allowed to do anything then what’s the use? Just piss off, and stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays. ”Please, could you possibly mumble positive things towards me on a Sunday ”in the coldest buildings you can find? ”Please, get some of your senior citizens to wear cakes on their heads. ”And to mumble ridiculously positive things about me.” No. He should have just flicked Hitler’s head off. Hitler would have been going, ”I will kill them. I will tank them. I will tear them apart. ”I will bomb them. I will kill them.” That’s a hint, you know, for a bit of intervention, isn’t it? And then he’d just give him a… (MIMICKING THUDDING) And the Nazis would be going… (EXCLAIMING) (LAUGHING) ”What other leader can do that? ”Shit. That’s not supposed to happen, is it? ”Okay. Let’s just go. ”Let’s just go.” And somebody… It might have happened while someone, some other Nazi, was in the toilet coming out, ”What happened, ”what happened? I heard. I heard a big shout. ”Oh, look! ”How does he do that? Wow, he really is the leader. ”Oh! ”Do you want to come back to my place? We’II have coffee.” Could have been the end, but, no, he didn’t do it. So, yes, 4,500 million years ago I do believe our Earth started with a ”place your bets” type of spinning thing. And then we turn up, human beans, five million years ago. Why the big pause, as the man in the pub said to the bear? Or why the long pause, as the man in the pub said to the bear? The bear said, ”I got it stuck in a lift door.” I’m not telling jokes. I’m just fucking around with the idea. It’s the pause I’m interested in. ‘Cause it is a big one. Have you noticed? 4,500 million years minus five million years is 4,495 million years of nothing. Well, there was stuff. There was… (MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES) I thought dinosaurs ruled the worId all that period, but no. They were around for 200 million years. So, we’ve been five, they’ve been 200. And they weren’t even ruling because if they were ruling, on the Steven Spielberg movies, we’d see the dinosaurs were going… (MIMICKING ROARING) ”You can go away. ”You can stay. And you, I like you. And you, I can smeII. ”You smeII of sandwiches. ”You can come, ’cause I… Rumpy-pumpy. ”And Iet’s eat him.” That would be dinosaurs ruIing the Earth, but I noticed from the fiIms that they seem to just get up in the morning and go… (ROARING) With a look of… Not bright as a button, you know. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. And they just go around eating and pooing each other all day, for 200 miIIion years! Come on, that’s not a god making that. If God did that, his chiIdren would be crazy. And I think if he did eXist, he had many chiIdren. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That’s just Iogic. That’s just mathematicaI. And Tease-sus would aIways be fucking about. Pizz-sus does delivery. Caes-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus. City in Turkey. Bee-sus was covered in something. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Some people appIauding there, other people going, ”What?” ”Bee-sus was covered in bees?” But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, just wandering around. No dinosaur poetry. Not cIever. They weren’t going, ”I wandered IoneIy as a cIoud over hiII and vaIe ”And I saw a small… And ate him. ”And then I ate… And then I pooed him out. And that was nice. ”What a day.” They didn’t go to church. No dinosaur churches. Very few dinosaur vicars going, ”Welcome…” ”Thank you very much. ”Hello. Hey. ”Excuse me.” ”Welcome to today’s service. We will now sing Hymn 409, ”All Things Bright and Beautiful. ” # All things bright and beautiful # All creatures great and small # (GROWLS) # All things wise and wonderful # They don’t live on the planet at the moment # That scene did not happen. Yeah, so not clever. I think most of the dinosaurs were not clever from what I can tell. The raptors do seem quite clever. Smaller, about our size. They seem to be able to break into rooms. Work locks, do computer stuff, download raptor porn. (EXCLAIMING) And then run away and not pay. They could almost pass for us. You put a little porkpie hat on a raptor, and it almost looks like a human being. ”Is this your car, sir?” ”No.” ”Do you realise how fast you were going?” (CHUCKLING) ”I was very busy.” ”You were going a million miles an hour.” ”Oh, really? Is that over the…over the thing?” ”Yes. The limit is 30 miles an hour.” ”Oh? That’s..lawful” ”I was very busy.” ”Well, can you show me your documents?” (MUMBLING) ”Good afternoon.” ”I can’t…” ”It’s a raptor! Get me a dustbin lid! ”It’s a fucking raptor! Run! Run! No, stay, chase him, something.” The raptors. And then we turn up. The human beings of this world, we turn up 5 million years ago. And that, I think, is the point where we started to walk erect. And I think it must have been a gradual period. I don’t think we could have just gone… (EXHALING QUICKLY) ”Oh, this is better. ”I don’t know why we didn’t do this a long time ago. ”Steve. Jeffrey. Come on, try this. ”I can see clearly now. The rain has gone. ”I can see all lobsters in my way.” It really gets interesting around tool time. Tool time is…the Stone Age. That’s when it kicks off. Stone Age. Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tools. Hunting was bizarre. ”Come on, there’s a bison! Come on, Iads! ”WiII you die, sir? ”Die, I teII you! You’re in our territory! I peed and pooed all round here. ”I marked my territory quite cIearIy.” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) ”WiII you die, sir? CouId you possibIy? You could feed a famiIy for nine years.” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) ”Don’t you look at me with those big eyes. Those big cow eyes.” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) ”This could take hours!” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) ”Buggering heII! Come on, where are you? How can you be Iate? It’s the Stone Age! ”There’s nothing to be Iate in the Stone Age for. Bastards.” (MIMICKING THUDDING) ”Oh. That is much better. ”Did you see that? Did you see that?” The others come running up. ”I picked up a stone. I hit the bison. He’s just… He’s gone. He’s dead.” ”This is brilliant, Jeff. ”This could be the beginning of an age.” ”Well, that’s what I was thinking. ”Provisionally, I’ve entitled it, ”’The Age of Big Things Falling Over ‘Cause They’re Hit by Small Things ”of a Much Denser Material.”’ ”Just ‘Stone Age.”’ ”Stone Age! Yes. ”You were always better than me at that, weren’t you? ”Weren’t you, Siegfried?” We’re not sure of the names. So the Stone Age began. There were hitting tools, there were cutting tools. You could cut the skin off an animal that no longer needed it. (MIMICKING TEARING) ”Are you sure?” ”Yeah, no problem.” ”That’s very good of you.” ”Thank you so much. ”Hang on. Stuff. ”I’m king. I’m king here now. (MIMICKING FLY BUZZING) ”I’m king… I’m king of this area. ”I wear the cloak… The cloak… The cloak… Shut up!” ”I think you’re supposed to hang it up until it dries. Otherwise, flies.” ”Shut up, Twiggy. I’m king of the flies.” ”You know, this is almost a book.” ”If your name wasn’t Twiggy, but Leonard.” Language was developed 100,000 years ago. Before that, no language. Before that also, no religion. You can’t have religion by grunting it. It just… You can’t get moral ideas out by going… (GRUNTING) (CHUCKLING) ”I suppose so.” (GRUNTING) ”Ha-ha, I don’t know what you’re…” The Ten Commandments in grunt. One… (GRUNTING) Two… (VOCALISING) No. Three… The rabbit. Four. You get a bag, and you put it… And then… And then you take it and put it in the toilet. ‘Cause it’s… No… Five. You got a thing. I don’t know… My mother… Okay. Forget five. Six… Never eat shit. ”I have no idea what you’re talking about.” We’re pretty sure that was the first identifiable line of language. ”I have no idea what you’re talking about.” One thing was huge before language and that was Scrabble. ‘Cause Scrabble, after language, it became about words. Before language, it was just, ”Put the letters down.” There were no rules. Everyone was a winner. K, T… FUNGTABL-SKLINGDUNG. ”Seventy-six.” ASTINGBOXISCRANKEZANGGA. ”That’s 105. It’s a triple word.” ”Dang.” Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslxia. This is true. They proved this one. The word ”dyslexia” was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. What’s the point of coming up with a word like ”dyslexia” to explain a word-blindness spelling problem. ”They have a problem with the words. It is a difficult thing. ”We’ve called this problem… (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (MIMICKING RADIO INTERFERENCE) ”Car 22, pickup…” ”It has seventeen silent letters and the face of a rat in it.” Just call it ”bonk.” They suffer from bonk. They have a word-blindness. We call it bonk. ”Excuse me, miss, I’ve got bonk.” ”All right. All right, just chew something at the corner of the class.” ”All right.” I would have preferred that to sitting there and spelling ”colour” with a ”K.” I did fantastic I-Spy. It was brilliant for I-Spy. I-Spy with an ”S” for ”ceiling.” It went on for hours. Till my brother was throttling me. ”’S.’ Ceiling.” ”Ceiling’s not with an ‘S.”’ ”Of course it is!” So we were hunter-gatherers. We were killers. We were killers only 2,000 years ago. Hunter-gatherers. Hardwired into our brains. And I think our journey… I don’t think there’s any reason why we’re here. You know, the meaning of life? I don’t think there is one. I think we’re just accidentally here. I think it’s that random, kids, ’cause that would explain the so many millions out there, and people talk about the Earth being in the Goldilocks place, where we’re not too close to the Sun, not too far away. I think it’s just now, ’cause there are probably other people out there. But while we’re here, we may as well do civilisation. Just be civil to one another. ‘Cause we got the killer thing in… And assassins, they took drugs. Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them just jump over the idea of going out and killing people. And it was hashish. That’s where the word comes from. They were hash-assins. No, it’s true. No, it sounds silly. They were hash-assins. Read it, it’s on Wikipedia. You can look it up on your iPhones while I’m talking to you. It’s true. I’ve done it. It’s there and they were talking about… They would give them hashish and say, ”You are hash-assins now. ”HeIp yourself to hashish and then we’ll go do hash-assinations.” ”He’s off his rocker, isn’t he?” ‘Cause I do think that hashish is one of the worst… It’s the wrong drug to give to people who are gonna go out and do something. Unless you say, ”We’re going to take over a Mars bar factory,” then… Yeah! Come on!” There was an empowerment there. ”We’re all going to go and dive into bags of sugar.” ”Yes! Yes, of course!” But apart from that, organised hash-assinations is just crazy. You get there… ”What? What? HoId this, hoId this. ”Get behind the hedge. Get behind the…” ”Bing-bong! ”He’s not… He is here. ”I’m sorry about this. We just… We’re hash-assins. ”No, we’re hash-assins. ”We gotta kiII you. We’re supposed to kiII you. ”Do you have a Kit Kat? ”If you’ve got a Kit Kat, that’s like a Get Out of JaiI Free card. ”You have? He’s got… Have you got three? ”You’ve got four… He’s got a four-bar one. Come on, all right. ”Shh! Schtum. CIose the door. Fuck off. We should do this everywhere. ”Get Kit Kats.” Ding-dong ”Got a Kit Kat? ”Or just a Cat Kit? Like a Meccano Cat… Ah, forget it.” Then the guy gets on the roof with a briefcase. (LOUDLY) ”I am in position… (SHUSHING) (SOFTLY) ”Sorry. I am in position on the roof with the briefcase. ”AII right, all right. Yeah. I’ll assembIe it. AII right. ”What the fuck is that? ”Attach Part A to Part B then to Part C… ”Apply transfers to model aircraft… ”These are the wrong instructions. (MIMICKING LIFT GOING UP) ”What? Yeah, no, I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. ”I haven’t… I haven’t got a gun. ”I have got a vacuum cleaner. ”Yeah. Well, it’s in a similar briefcase. ”It just looks… I know. I know. I know what you said. I know. ”Don’t bring the vacuum cleaner. But it’s a Dyson Slimline. ”It’s really lightweight. It’s orange. ”The ball type. Goes around corners really well. ”All right, all right, I’ll pack up here. Shall I Hoover up before I go? ”All right. All right. I know, I know. ”Look, I’ll throw it at him. How’s about I throw it at him? ”No, it’s not very accurate, but it has a fantastic eIemenl of surprise.” And we now, I think, in modern days, maybe we have more of a sense… More of an empathy with people. We can see horrors going on. We saw the tsunami. We saw the thing in Mumbai. We’ve seen films. Maybe it’s not visceral, but you can… You get a very good visual sense of what has gone on in the past. Back in the BattIe of Hastings time, you didn’t have a cIue what happened in the battIe. You were either in that battle, or you just fucking forget it. Or you watch a tapestry. The BayexX Tapestry tells you in panels what’s going on, but… It’s weavers. Weavers were the war correspondents. Weavers were the photojournalists of the day, going, ”Come on! Come on! ”Oh, my God, look at that! Get that down, Kelly. Put that here! ”What are they doing? Oh, God. Keep moving! Keep moving! ”Don’t look at the weavers! Just move on! ”Do some weird haircuts for the boys, all right? ”Give ’em a bit of a laugh, eh? ”Willie! Big Willie! Do it, give him a wave. Hey, Big Willie! Good luck. ”That’s the Duke of Normandy, the bastard. ”Come on, win, you bastards! Shoot someone in the eye. ”We’ve already done that panel. ”I’ve sewn this to my leg. Is that a problem?” The paparazzi. They were paparazzi. Very early paparazzi, going, ”All right. Anne Boleyn, Anne Boleyn, how’s it going, love, eh? ”Just hang on a second, love, trying to get you down all right. ”You don’t want to look like a weirdo, do you?” ”I’ll do three noses if you’re not careful. ”Just slow down, baby. Push your breasts up a bit. ”Is your sister with you? We’ll do a double panel. ”All right. All right, good luck. You gonna marry Henry? ”All right, keep your hair on. ”I’ve sewn this to my leg as well. Is that a problem?” So we were hunter-gatherers. We hunted and gathered. I would have elected to be… I would have chosen to be a hunter. It seems more fun. It seems more dangerous and more… (EXCLAIMING) You put face paint on your thing. It’s makeup. It’s almost me, action transvestite. That’s what hunter-gatherers were. We see it with the Native Americans. We’re there. The gathering… The gathering seems slightly more… ”One, twelve, thirteen, ”twelve, thirteen. ”TweIve. How many you got?” ”I’ve got seven. I give up.” ”I’ve Iost the will to live.” ”We’ve onIy got 19 berries. They’re gonna kiII us.” SuddenIy the hunters return. ”We are hunters. We have returned with stuff on our faces, ”having kiIIed bison and buffaIo and beavers and badgers ”and balloons, which was weird. ”They went pop! ”We kiIIed mainIy ‘B’ animaIs today. ”Tomorrow we will kiII cats and chinchiIIas and crocodiIes, then dogs and dingoes, ”then eIephants and eeIs, and then fungus. ”That’II be a Iong day. ”How many berries do you have for us?” ”A totaI of 19, sir.” ”That’s a bit crap. ”Seven hours for nineteen berries? That’s two… That’s something an hour, isn’t it? ”Never mind. Put them all together and make a smoothie.” (SLURPING) ”Needs a bit of Turkish yogurt.” ”Oh, they haven’t invaded yet.” ”We haven’t invaded yet.” So it was the hunter. And we all looked pretty good. That was the one upside of the Stone Age period. We looked fucking fantastic, man. Come on! Let’s go hunting just in underwear. Come on! ”Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers, two people, come on. ”Well, you look brilliant. In fact, hoId me over a pond, will you? ”I want to see what I look like.” The onIy way you could look at yourseIf in the oId days. Everyone looked a IittIe bit hangy-downy. I look a bit hangy-downy. So that was it. 10,000 years ago, the ice went away, going, ”Bye! Bye! Good Iuck with civiIisation. Invent fridges.” And off they went. And that is when the hunter-gatherer period moved into the agrarian period. Farming. Farming is a step up in civiIisation. More cuItivated. Groups and communities can grow. But it’s a step down in seXiness. There are no farming fiIms. No Farming. ”Bruce WiIIis in Farming. Farming III. (VOCALISING) ”He was just a farmer. Someone stoIe his beans.” ”You fucking stoIe my beans, MacGruder! I’ll chase you on my yak!” (VOCALISING) ”You’II never catch me! I have a yak, too!” (VOCALISING) ”It’s on Top Yak. It’s one of the best yaks in the worId.” Not eXciting fiIms. ”Look, the grass is growing.” And that’s why farmers keep animaIs. To make it more rock ‘n’ roII! More eXciting. Most of the animaIs they keep by choice are noisy animaIs. Cows go ”moo” and sheep go ”baa” and dogs go ”woof” and cats go ”woof” and pigs go ”woof” and horses go… (MIMICKING NEIGHING) And donkeys go ”ee-ore”. And pigs go ”onk.” No. ”Woof” or ”crack.” No, they don’t go ”crack.” Maybe they take crack. I’m not sure. I’m not sure there. Jury’s still out on that one. Ducks, geese, all noisy bastards. They keep no snaiIs. No badgers, no stoats, no weaseIs, no…rabbits. AII very quiet. GazeIIes make no noise. EXcept for this noise. (IMITATES SOUND OF SPEEDING CAR) Because they Ieap. You couldn’t farm gazeIIes, could you? You’d have to keep them in a bag. ”You want a gazeIIe, mate?” ”Yeah, all right. ”That’s not a gazeIIe. That’s an eeI.” ”Shit. Got the wrong bag. ”Here you go. Oh, it’s gone.” They have wings, you see. In the earIy days. You can teII by… Giraffes. Giraffes have no safety noise. They don’t have a signaI. Like chickens have a safety noise, which is… (MIMICS CLUCKING) Unless you wedge a trumpet on their face. And then it’s… (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) And you can train a chicken to do jazz. Which I would encourage all farmers to do. Then the farmer’s wife would say, ”What the heII is that?” ”That’s my jazz chicken.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”But how does he make an embouchure?” ”He has a beak.” ”I wedged a mango in there.” Oh, you’ve box cIever there. And he wouldn’t actually wake you up, would he? He’d be like a permanent snooze button. ”And now it’s 6:00 a.m. and jazz chicken.” (MIMICKING SMOOTH JAZZ TRUMPET) 1 2:00 noon and people are going, ”MiIk me, motherfucker, miIk me. ”Get this miIk out of me. Someone pIug in, for God’s sake. ”I’ve gotta rub myseIf against a tree.” We don’t know… How did feraI cows miIk themseIves in the oId days before farming? There must have been wiId cows in the oId days. Cows who were crazy. WiId. ”Fuck you, buddy. Yeah.” Cows who would drive through the streets in cars. ”Is this your car, sir?” ”Moo.” ”Do you reaIise how fast you were going?” ”Moo.” (EXCLAIMING) ”Is this your friend?” (CHUCKLING) ”Moo.” ”Eh, Sarge, I think there’s a raptor and a cow in a car. ”Get everything here.” ”What do you mean everything?” ”I mean everything!” As Gary would say. ”Moo.” ”Do you reaIise how fast you were going?” ”Moo.” ”You were doing three miIes an hour.” ”Moo?” (MIMICKING THUDDING) ”He’s going faster now.” But giraffes have no emergency sound. If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa, it would have aIarm and surprise as two of its main emotions. Two of the emotions of the Spanish Inquisition. Fear. Well, fear, fear and surprise. Fear because, ”It’s a tiger.” And surprise because it’s a tiger and there aren’t any in Africa. So what’s it doing there? Is it on hoIiday? Have they come over with pirates? Through the GuIf of Aden? My hometown. So, yeah. And it would turn to its friends and say nothing. It has no… (MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES) Nothing. It should hire a jazz chicken to sit on its back and go… (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) Or the jazz chicken could go… (TRUMPETING FASTER) -(APPLAUSE) -He could do that. And then it’II go, ”There are bees coming!” ”Not bees.” It has no way of saying tiger, so… But it can cough. If you look on Wikipedia, they can cough and so that’s what they must use. A very British method of pointing out aIarming things. (CLEARING THROAT) (COUGHING) ”There’s a tiger over there. (COUGHING) ”Tiger. Tiger over there. There’s a fucking, great, big tiger. ”Tiger at four o’cIock.” ”FiIm. Two syIIabIes. ”First syIIabIe. Sounds like. ”No, first syIIabIe. First syIIabIe. ”Tie? Tie?” ”Second syIIabIe, sounds like… ”Ger.” ”Ger?” ”Ger?” ”Tiger.” ”Tiger. Tiger.” (INAUDIBLE) And then they do go. You see them go. And where do they go to? Where do they go to? The giraffes who run. Well, they’re taller than Africa, that savannah bit. They’re so tall, they must hide behind giraffes, that’s what I’ve worked out. One giraffe is here and then the other giraffes just Iine out. ”Just stay in Iine. Back a bit, back a bit, back a bit. ”Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit.” And the giraffe pretends, at this point, he pretends to be the EiffeI Tower. C’est fantastique. C’est tres belle. Oh, Paris bon nuit, c’est si belle. # Boom, fish and chicken # Sur la plage, quel dommage # Qu’elle sausage Tu m’appelles, oui ma mere # The tiger’s waIking around going, ”Where are we? ”We were in Asia, then Africa, now we’re in France. ”I can’t stand this. Give me the iPhone.” (EXCLAIMING) Noah, he knew about animaIs. Oh, yes, he did. And he’s mentioned in the BibIe, which I think are oraI histories. I think it did happen. There was a fIood, there’s fIood stories mentioned in the BibIe, mentioned outside the BibIe. We saw the tsunami, we know they happen. Now the big point is, did God teII him to make a boat or did Noah just use his Captain Common Sense? ‘Cause a number of us, if we were somewhere where it was raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and we had a big piIe of wood, some of us might put two and two together and go, ”I’m gonna make a bIoody boat.” Others might go, ”I’m gonna make a hairdresser’s.” ”I’m gonna buiId a monkey emporium. I’m gonna buiId a big set of wooden shoes ”that would fit a giant.” But he made a boat. He was quite sensibIe. And what did he put on the boat? His famiIy. What eIse? AnimaIs. Which animaIs? Any he could find. Did he put two of every animaI in the worId on the boat? No! How could I be so sure? Try it. Just try it. It’s impossibIe. And there is such a word as impossibIe. You can’t… It is impossibIe to eat the HimaIayas. There’s no such word as ”can’t”? Well, try eating the bIoody HimaIayas. ”I got fuII after about two mountains, you know.” You’re not gonna get through that. So he was there, and he buiIt this boat. And just trying to get everything on there would be a nightmare. And it had to be everything, from two dung beetIes up to two giant squid. AII of them. AII the fish had to be there because we know they were bad, some of them. Sharks are bad, you know? Very few good sharks. Very few sharks say, ”We’ve found a chiId. ”He was swimming about having a bad time. ”We were going to eat him, but we thought it is not our way any more. ”Since the Geneva Convention on sharks, ”the agreement that sharks made with humans. ”We took his Ieg but that is our trade. ”We call him Stumpy. ”Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth.” So Noah would be there, saying, ”AII right, Margaret. ”Margaret, just stuff them all over the boat. ”Lash one giant squid to the roof. Just do it. ”It’s raining, Margaret, it doesn’t matter. ”Just put them anywhere. Shove them in cupboards.” A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards going, ”There’s no toweIs. ”Is she there? No toweIs. ”Giant squid diary, day one. ”Got to the boat. Everything rather damp. Must inform TripAdvisor. ”Seem to be running out of ink. ”Met a number of animaIs. Interesting ones. Cat, dog, squirreI, a mouse. ”I will eat them Iater. ”I can’t find Horace. I think he’s Iashed to the roof.” And the whoIe two by two thing doesn’t work. Two by two animaIs. ”AII right, here we go. Kids, we’re gonna get them up two by two. ”Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish. ”Two rabbits, two squirreIs, two IIamas, two bIue things, two zebras. ”How many is that?” ”That? So far, two tigers, Dad.” ”What do you… Oh, no. ”What happened?” ”It just seemed to… It became a Wendy’s all-you-can-eat kind of… ”Do we have a psychotherapist on board? Because I think ”I need to readjust after that.” It wouldn’t work. Lions and tigers eat everything. It’s like putting students on a boat with a Ioad of cake miX, isn’t it? It would just be a munching fest. I’ve been up cIose to a Iion and they just do that. And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, which is 40 days of rain, isn’t it? The nights are impIicit, for God’s sake. It’s a month and a bit of rain. Don’t drag it out. Forty Iunchtimes and forty afternoon teas. Just padding out the BibIe. After that period of time, they’d be there from the BibIe, on the bit of Iand, saying, ”We’re here.” ”As the ark makes Iandfall, what a historic day. ”God’s pIan has worked. The ark has made it with two of everything. ”And here they come, this is Noah and his famiIy first. ”Trying to get a word in, they’re rushing away, ”they’re probabIy meeting some friends, Iate for a dinner appointment. ”And Iions and tigers, there they go. ”Well, they’re chasing… Made friends aIready, I suppose. ”No one eIse at the moment, must be packing. ”Just getting their things together. What a wonderfuI, gIorious day. ”Here comes a squirreI, just running out there. ”Mr SquirreI, how did it go?” ”No. It was a nightmare, man. ”Don’t go there. It was crazy. They kiIIed everything. Those stripy bastards, ”they kiIIed everything, man. There’s nothing there, man. ”It’s all dead, all dead, it’s like a ghost ship. ”I escaped, I hid in a coIander.” ”Oh, shit.” ”You gotta write that down in the BibIe. ”It was a bad pIan, man, bad pIan. Noah’s pIan.” ”What happened to your wife?” ”She got away. ”Got away in a boat with an owI and a cat.” ”Did they take anything with them?” ”Yeah, they took spoons and a heIicopter, ”a IittIe toy one and a GatIing gun.” ”An owI and a pussy-cat went to sea In a beautifuI pea green boat ”They took some spoons, a heIicopter and a GatIing gun…” ”Yeah. It’s not poetry.” So, civiIisation, that’s what we’re about, and whiIe we’re here, ’cause I don’t think there’s actually a reason why we’re here, but whiIe we’re here we may as weII try and be civiIised, just a IittIe bit British. Just a IittIe bit getting up in the morning and saying, ”HeIIo, how are you?” WaIking on. Can’t stand the man, myseIf. It’s a IittIe bit like that. And the Egyptians and the Sumerians, they started it off, they started the ball roIIing about 5,000 years ago. They said, ”Come on, irrigation. That’s a good thing.” And the pharaohs were going, ”I’m 1 2 years oId, I could die sometime.” ”You’re very young, sir.” ”Yeah, I could die, so I wanna die in a pointy thing.” ”AII right, we’ll make one. About head height?” ”A miIe high.” ”BIoody 1 2 year oIds.” ”Come on, Iads, cut some rock.” And it was all kind of sandy, and they worshipped Ra, the Sun god, Ra. They had a song. # Ra, hurrah for Ra He’s up there near the stars # But they’re not there They’ve gone somewhere else # And he is there, it’s up there. It’s quite hot It’s hot, it makes all our ground crappy # And that’s why we have irrigation, La, la, la, la, Ra, Ra… # I’m not sure what the song was. But it was something in that area. And the worshipping of the Sun god, that is the circIe behind Mary’s head. Mary and Baby Je, you know they got the circIe, and you grew up thinking that meant they were very, very good, very, very good or the CoIgate ”ring of confidence,” remember that one? Actually, it means sun worshipping. It was sIid in behind Christianity. Christianity, ”HeIIo.” ‘Cause Christians worship Chris, of course. That’s what it should be about. Christmas is when we remember Chris and how he so brilliantIy Ianded on that pagan rituaI of being born on the 25th of December. What is it with Christianity? There was all these pagan reIigions, and then Christianity went, ”That seems to fit.” Well, it was, and all those people… A Iot of churches are buiIt on pagan sites, so people turn up for their pagan rituaIs, ”Let’s go and worship on the feast of bingo. ”Where the fuck did this come from?” ”Ooh! It’s not bingo any more, it’s Mr… It’s Mr Chris. ”Well, Iet’s worship him then, shall we? Whoever’s here, we’ll worship.” So, the Egyptians did a number of groovy things. Five thousand years they were there, and they invented a Ianguage, a Ianguage, written up on there. And it was a nightmare for newsreaders. ”Here is the news in Egypt: ”Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog, dog with a gun, ”waIking, pig, pig, pig, coming, man, ”duck with a gun, man, there’s an eyeball waIking aIong, ”chicken with a banjo, dog, really powerfuI dog, comes aIong, ”and the cat got him in an arm Iock. Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat. ”It seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its seventh year. ”That’s what I’m guessing. Here’s the weather with Janine.” ”Thank you. It will be sunny forever.” And now, the Greeks. So, the Greeks came in, ’cause the Egyptians all died in a car crash. And the Greeks, they had democracy, two Greek words. ”Demos” means people. ”Ocracy” is a kind of infIatabIe cat fuII of heIium going, ”Vote now, vote now.” Kind of like Blade Runner, in my mind. So, they had democracy, which is great, and it took off there, it fIowered through the Roman period, 500 years of democracy, and then it went, somewhere around Caesar, the third son of God. And they aIso, not onIy had that, they had the Spartans. The Spartans were… The eIite fighters of today are based on the Spartans. And the Spartans were just crazy. Get up in the morning… (YAWNING) ”Kids!” ”Dad!” ”Spears!” ”Breakfast.” ”How many did you get?” ”Got eight.” ”I got seven.” Just mayhem. Death by numbers. Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course, were huh! But the women were aIso huh! The chiIdren were huh! And the dogs were woof! and the cats were woof! The sIugs were… (EXCLAIMING) And the sheep shh! – siIent. The most deadIy sheep in the worId. They were the onIy predator sheep the worId has ever known. They would wear bandanas, like the kamikaze piIots, with ancient sheep runes on them. They had not a cIue what they meant. And they would sneak up on woIves, they would creep up in the dead of night. Shh. They would never make a bIeat. The woIves would wake and go, ”Sheep!” ”What? I’m the woIf who cried sheep.” And the irony was writ Iarge upon them. And the sheep would be in a stand-off with the woIves, ’cause they knew they were more powerfuI, but the sheep were brave. And the sheep would take a rusty bIade and they would say, ”Look at this!” (BLOWING) And they would shear themseIves. (GRUNTING) ”Come on! ”I’ve got my jacket off now. ”You wanna come outside?” And the woIves would go, ”We are outside.” ”Let’s fight, motherfucker.” And the woIves would go, ”This is not in the book. ”Grab their cIothes and run.” As the audience reaIised where the joke was, the woIves in sheep’s cIothing would run down the hiII, run into a IocaI market, buy SIurpees, run off, and never pay. ”Hey, I thought they were sheep.” ”They were woIves in sheep’s cIothing.” ”I didn’t know. New thing to me.” And it started a whoIe spate of that, woIves in sheep’s cIothing, dogs in cats’ cIothing, pigs in giraffes’ cIothing, which looked odd, and ants in eIephants’ cIothing, which was the biggest bIuff of all. ”Move or we will trampIe you.” ”You’re the fIattest eIephants I’ve ever seen.” ”We are covert eIephants. Work for the nationaI secret people. ”We’re taking Ieaves back to our nests.” ”EIephants don’t have nests.” ”Shit.” ”We will trampIe you ”with our noses.” (SCOFFINGLY) ”Tsssh.” Said the man. (WHISPERING) Forget that scene. I like the scene up tiII there, but I don’t know where it goes after that. SuddenIy a cow turned up. ”Moo.” ”You again?” ”Moo.” ”Can you give me Iift to the shops?” ”Moo.” ”Is that a yes or a no?” ”Moo.” ”AII right, I’m coming with you.” (EXHALING) ”Stop writing on the windows.” ”I thought you just said, ‘Moo’.” ”Moo.” Just moving that mime away. So, Spartans. They fought the battIe of ThermopyIae. The BattIe of ThermopyIae, made into a fiIm called On the Good Ship Lollipop. That was the first fiIm about it. It’s an anagram. On the Good Ship Lollipop, BattIe of ThermopyIae. It’s eXactIy the same Ietters. It’s almost eXactIy the same Ietters. It was a ShirIey TempIe fiIm. She was in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period, she was trying to do more edgy chiIdren’s fiIms. But anyway, she wanted… ”I want to make fiIm, one about the Spartans. ”About the Spartans at ThermopyIae.” They said, ”AII right,” and it was On the Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that. # On the good ship… # (MIMICKING HACKING WITH A SWORD) (SCREAMING) ”ShirIey!” ”Spartan!” # …Lollipop # (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) But they tested it on chiIdren in America, and the chiIdren actually eXpIoded. (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) ”Shit, they’re going!” So, they decided to edit all the vioIence out of the fiIm. And you can’t teII. If you watch On the Good Ship Lollipop, you can’t teII, eXcept if you look at ShirIey when she turns in a certain Iight, you can see a IittIe bit of bIood coming out of there down her chin. But the Spartans were crazy, they would oiI themseIves before battIe, so no one could take them alive. ”I’ve got him! Hang on.” ”These guys, it’s like fighting fish over here, XerXes. ”XerXes, put the ScrabbIe board down, mate. ”Who invented traveI ScrabbIe? ”Come on, we’re trying to do something here.” These bIokes, they were tactically very cIever because this is 300 Spartans against 50,000, 100,000 Persians? No one knows how many Persians. They now think it could have been all the Persians. Persia was empty that day, they beIieve. If you’d waIked into Persia, just empty, eXcept for cats and carpets. PeopIe just heIping themseIves. ”We’re here on the border of Persia, and there’s just people with carpets, -”and cats trying to protect them.” -(MIMICKING CAT MIAOWING) ”Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet.” ”Vote now.” The Spartans were cIever as weII, tactically cIever, they got the Persians to attack them in a very narrow pIace, which was the corridor of a Student Union party. Get our cake miX out the window! Take the booze, run! Take the Watney’s Red BarreI. I didn’t have that, no. It was more Tennent’s. Cans of Iager. Anyway. So, yes, so that was the Spartans. Greeks fought in the phaIanX, they would have a whoIe group of people with 20-foot spears. You couldn’t get at them, they had 20-foot spears. Unless one of your group was crazy enough to say, ”Don’t worry, I’ll Iead the way.” (CHUCKLING) Sacrifice himseIf on the spear. (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) (LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMING) (SIGHING) (LAUGHING) (WHOOPING) Can’t do that. (MIMICKING THUDDING) (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Shit. (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) (LAUGHING) (GROANING) (CHUCKLING WEAKLY) (GROANING SOFTLY) (GIGGLING) (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) ”ToId you. ”EXtra two foot on my spear. ”God, he’s heavy. I’m gonna wiggIe him off the end.” (MIMICS THUDDING) ”Crap.” ”They’II think you’re signalling!” ”I’m not, I’m just trying to get ”a dead guy off the end of my spear. ”They’II probabIy think he’s a poIe vauIter having a really weird… ”Having a reaI tough day at the office.” These gigs are just for me, you reaIise. ”Come off my spear. ”Hang on. ”Okay. Okay. ”I can’t see anything. I can’t see anything. ”Hang on, hang on… ”Okay. I’m good.” (HUMMING) Then the Romans came in with a short, pointy sword, turned it sideways and went… ”Ha-ha!” ”Hang on, hang on, hang on. ”WeIcome to the second Iine of defence. ”I’m just going to get a sherbet or something.” The Romans took over everything, they buiIt aqueducts, viaducts, they could move ducks around faster than anyone ever had. Everyone was confused by this brilliant move that meant that ducks were aIways in difficuIt pIaces to get at. You never knew… Where were these ducks coming from? Even the ducks were going, ”We don’t know why we’re here.” And the Roman’s going, ”I think they’re supposed to be on water, really.” And the men seemed to ruIe the empires. In fact, the women ruIed the empires with the use of poison. And the men would say, ”I, Lucius, I will kiII Gaius Cassius, ”and I will be emperor of Rome.” And the women would say, ”Good Iuck, Lucius, have a peach before you go.” ”Thank you, CaIpurnia. ”PeopIe of Rome…” Now my young, 3-year-oId, idiot duck son will become… (QUACKING) (VOCALISING) (QUACKING) The Romans did a heII of a Iot, man. They did a heII of a Iot, very industrious, very good at kiIIing, death by death. Death by kiIIing with big, pointy things. They were good at that, but they did this with a Ianguage which we know from schooI is siIIy. It’s too bIoody compIicated. It’s just got nouns and a mascuIine, feminine, neuter, biseXuaI, hermaphrodite and straight transvestite. They have an accusative, a nominative, a vocative, a Iocative, an abIative, a dative and genetive. CouIdn’t they have had 19 more? I mean why stop at 27? I mean, it goes on. If someone says, ”Do you want a beer?” you are stuck in the idea of I’m the object, I’m… The beer’s the object, no, I want a beer. Yes, I do. ”Yes” is affirmative. I want affirmative action but the beer is… You are the object. No, the beer is the object. The beer is coming towards me, that’s a motion towards, that’s to, so dative’s gotta be in there somewhere. Just mime me an answer. Thumb? Yeah, all right, mate. How did they get the messages out… When HannibaI attacked through Spain, up and over the AIps, how did they get the message out? I mean, ’cause HannibaI actually won a whoIe bunch of battIes, and maybe that was because they just couldn’t speak to each other quick enough. Messengers running from one battIe to another going, ”Centurion, Centurion, alarum, alarum miserarium, ”minerarium, miserarium, alarum miserarium. ”Touten de soldatens ”er, mourati on the party.” ”Quod the fuck is the… Quod erat demonstrandum?” ”Ich bin messengare. ” ”Si, naturellement. ” ”Und ich couriere nach here from a Iong way away-re ”mit newsum tres mauvaises de le battle-arium, the battarium ”the pugnacco of the peoples and the tuti of the mutis ”on the booties.” ”Quod the fuck are you taIking about here?” ”It’s difficlarium. ” ”HannibaI!” ”HannibaI? HannibaI.” ”Si, HannibaI!” ”Oh, didus knock mentanatem HannibaI?” ”Si, si, Generalissimo HannibaI.” ”HannibaI?” C’est tres dangereux! ”Si. Er kommt, mein Herr. ” ”Arriverarm, arrivederci? No. Arriveramus? ”Is… Veni, vidi, vici!” ”Veni, vidi, vici?” ”Si, veni, vidi, vici. HannibaI.” ”Mit soldates?” ”Si, mit soldates. No, tout seul, bucket and spade on hoIiday, I think. ”Naturellement mit soldates, mit total soldates. ”Multo soldates, infinitata soldates. ” ”Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus totally impossibiliatus. ” ”No. ”Ask Pythagoratus.” ”Yes, ist te truthum. It’s the veritum. ” ”Pi?” ”Danke schon. ” ”Have you tried just not cooking this? ”C’est pas mal, c’est pas mal, mate. RhetoricaI… ”Gas markum quoi?” ”Gas markum 3.1 41 .” ”It’s a jokum, it’s a jokum. He’s a funny Iad.” (CHUCKLING) ”High-fives, Pythagoratus. ”Square of the hypotenuse.” ”Have you finished?” ”No, ’cause cette fois ”HannibaI is coming ’round the mountain when he comes. ”Is coming ’round the mountains when he comes.” ”Coming ’round the mountains? Coming ’round the mountains?” ”Coming ’round the mountains when he comes.” Singing… (VOCALISING) ”Mit pink pyjamas?” ”Kein pink pyjamas.” ”Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein. ” ”Elephantein? ”What the fuck elephantein erat?” ”Elephantein tres dangereux. Elephantein tres mysteriosum. ”Front part is elephantain and is similaris con ein squirrel. ” ”Hey, man. Don’t take the piss out of me. ”I’m just here, you know, looking for my wife. ”Have you seen a boat?” ”Imagine this maximum squirrel upside-downus, back to frontus. ”Tailum ist nosum. ”Tailum ist nosum. ”Back part is elephantein is smilarus but a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus. ”Bike pump. ”Attachum mit duct tape. That is elephantein. ” ”Das ist elephantein? Run, motherfucker.” It’s too big, too Iong. AII that takes far too Iong, and HannibaI would overrun them, and kiII them all and set up a charity. EngIish is good, it’s taken off because it’s such a simpIe Ianguage at its base IeveI. ”HannibaI’s coming!” ”HannibaI? What with?” ”SoIdiers.” ”How many?” ”Tons”. ”What eIse?” ”EIephants.” ”What are they?” ”Pigs and squirreIs. Run.” The EngIish have gone, the EngIish have gone. God, they had such a quick Ianguage. You have to have a tea party to work out the Latin stuff. Yes, we got rid of one of our you’s. We had two you’s, we got rid of one. The whoIe famiIiar you. ”Aren’t you my father?” And the unfamiIiar you. ”Who the fuck are you guys?” So, we got rid of the first one. That was all the ”thee” and the ”thou” one that the PiIgrims used, wouldst thee, wouldst thou, would thee, thy, thum… WouIdst thou? Thou wiIt disagree. Thou wiIt have a bad time over the fact that thou didst send us away… Why don’t you all just go? Go and hang in the middIe of the country. So, yeah. The Romans all died in a chariot crash, and then CharIes Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 scritty swam swums, and that book was an interesting book ’cause it was called, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, You. And it just took off like wiIdfire and it caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom. Monkeys were furious about it. They were fIinging poo at eIectricaI fans that had been specially set up for the occasion. Because ”the shit hits the fan” is a saying that is post-eIectricity. Pre-eIectricity it’s just… (BLOWING) ”Did you just throw a poo at my fan? ”What’s the point of that? ”You want me to switch the eIectricity on? ”Well, we’ve onIy just had it wired up. I don’t see…” (EXCLAIMING) ”I see, yes, yes. ”Yes, the shit has certainIy hit the fan now.” Before eIectricity all they had was ”Then the shit will really hit the Archimedes screw.” Much sIower. So, yes, that was it, evoIution, evoIution, and we have evoIution all the way from the beginning up to now, incIuding all of us, the genetics that go through us, the inbreeding, non-inbreeding, the RoyaI famiIy. Well, it’s good that the RoyaI FamiIy… They shouldn’t have seX with people. The idea of being commoners… We have an idea of commoners. ”Commoners” is a horribIe word. I think it should be ”reaI people.” That’s what the House of Commons should be. The House of ReaI PeopIe. And the commoners, they’re reaI people, you see? So, the Queen Mother, she was aIways crazy, she was shot out of a cannon for her funeraI, as you know. That was her dying wish, ”Shoot me out of a cannon.” It was kind of a Robin Hood thing going on there. She was a Scottish Iady, oh, yes. She was… You never heard her speak. Do you remember the Iast 40 years, you never heard a word but she was there going, (IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) ”WiII you shoot me out of a cannon? Come on. ”I’d like to see the SoIent one more time before I Iand in the IsIe of Wight. ”Come on, you fucker. Give us a break.” Something like that. But the Queen, I just have a probIem with monarchy because obviousIy in the third miIIennium hereditary priviIege is insane. Yes, I hear your siIent yes. Hereditary priviIege? How do you eXpIain that to chiIdren? ”Why do some people live in fantastic houses ”and we give them cash out of our taXes?” ”Because er… ”I don’t know, that’s a good question, small chiId.” It is an interesting question. You know, it’s gotta change. I think CharIie’s doing something, you know, he’s doing organic farming, he’s doing stuff. The charity he does is good. Some of the kids are doing stuff, but Liz and PhiI, Liz and PhiI haven’t done anything, Liz and PhiI just sat there. ‘Cause they got in at ’52 and then immediateIy the Queen introduced the new… Then in the ’60s, the Queen decided to change the way that… And she encouraged people to… And in the ’70s, she compIeteIy redistributed… And reaIised she had too much weaIth, so she decided to… Then in the ’80s, they set up a charity to do… And then they encouraged other people to… And in the ’90s, they just totally reIaXed, and they said, ”Everyone, why don’t you…” And then in the 2000s, they’ve set a great eXampIe by… Stop me at any point. I think she’s got 20 years Ieft, she’s in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps. Do something! Just do something! Open your house up! Give all your houses away! Do something! Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette. Drive a car. Wave a bit. Fucking wave. Where’s the fucking wave? We paid good money, we want some fucking waving. Got cash, got cash, do waves. Don’t you think? Anyway, so, evoIution. We can see evoIution with fish. Fish swim in the sea, they’re very thin, they breathe through their necks. And they just seem to be… They have very short memories, I beIieve, fish, and so they seem to just be going, ”Oh, oh, oh, oh…” As if someone’s just toId them, ”You reaIise you’re fish, ”and you have very short memories.” ”Oh. ”Oh. Oh. ”Oh, I didn’t reaIise. Oh, no.” And then the mudskipper is a fish that waIks aIong on its Iegs. You can see the evoIution with the mudskipper going aIong. And if you look right deep into his eyes, you can see him going, ”I’m almost there, I’m almost there. One day I’ll have a house and a Ferrari. ”I’ll work on the Stock EXchange. Lose Ioads of money down a toilet.” And then fish fIy, fish fIy. In the sky. They must be up there going, ”Oh, wow.” And then they must stop in trees occasionally and go, ”Oh.” And then birds are in trees, they’re going, ”Who the fuck are you guys?” ”Oh, no.” ”We’re birds, we eat fish.” ”Oh, crap.” ”FIy, Freddie, fIy!” You ever seen birds chasing fish in the air? It just looks so… You go, ”I gotta have a drink, that’s weird.” So, that’s the fish side, that’s evoIution. Then on the creation side, God got the worId and he went, ”There it is, it’s bIue, don’t fuck it up.” Can’t stand the man. We don’t know what that means. It’s just funny, but we don’t know why. But now he didn’t do it in one go. Which, I think, why take siX days over it? Why not just go… He did it siX days with one day for prayer. Why not do two seconds… (EXCLAIMING) And then you’ve got seven days for prayer. And they could just be up there going, ”God, you’re really great, you’re really fantastic. ”Dear God, we thank you, especially for what you did on Tuesday. ”That was really… Was it Tuesday? No, never. That’s right.” You never wake up and you hear, ”God’s given everyone an eXtra banana. ”What a wonderfuI day it is! EXtra banana for everyone.” Never. Anyway, siX days of making the Earth, like he’s making a train set for his kids. (BLOWING) After a whiIe small animaIs will be foIIowing going, ”Who are you?” ”I’m God.” ”Why are you taking so Iong? ”We’ve got no food.” ”AII right, I’ll make you food. Sorry about that. What are you, badgers? ”SquirreIs? Chicken?” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”We eat nuts, man. Have you seen a boat?” ”Haven’t made them yet.” ”Well, what am I doing here?” ”Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy.” ”No, we don’t. Not eating that. It’s supposed to be pak choi, anyway.” ”It’s called bok choy.” ”Pak choi.” ”Mandarin.” ”Cantonese.” (SIGHING) ”Not eating it.” ”AII right, sprouting broccoIi.” (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) ”HoIy crap, I see badgers can be choosers.” (AUDIENCE GROANING) What? What, you’ve heard too many bok choy, pak choi, sprouting broccoIi, badger creationist jokes this week? ”Oh, yeah, up to here, every other person saying them. ”Can’t… Just wading through them this Christmas. ”That oId chestnut. ”Didn’t the Greeks use that one?” Fuck off. ”AII right, Mr Badger, creme bruIee you shall eat.” ”Creme bruIee? That’s hardIy bruIee, that’s singed.” ”AII right, that’s creme fIambee now.” ”Creme bruIee, creme fIambee, where did you Iearn French?” ”WhiIe you were pissing about making the Earth. ”I was on Rosetta Stone. ”We were all sitting around there going, ‘La chaise est sur l’elephant. ”’ ”I don’t know what he’s taIking about.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”Day one in the giant squid diaries.” ”Nothing, it’s a void. Day three, isn’t it?” ”Shit, running out of ink. Why, why, why? There’s no water yet. Bugger, bugger.” ”AII right. Give me another Letts diary, will you?” Do you remember those? Every Christmas you get your Letts diary. You fiII in just the first siX days and then bIank. Did everyone do that? Then about June you’d rediscover it and start fiIIing it in again and then go… Then you’d backfiII it with lessons. Okay, I saw one kid doing that. Anyway, creationism has turned, through the mind of a Sarah PaIin, into inteIIigent design. And I have two probIems with inteIIigent design. One is the inteIIigence part of it, and the other is the design part of it. Because, you know, there’s some things which are wonderfuI in the worId, and some things that are horribIe, disgusting. Cancer. InteIIigent design, or just weird fucking stuff going on? ChoIera, all those things. If we were God for haIf an hour, we would ban poo and pee. Why do we have poo and pee? You say, ”Oh, waste products.” Why not just eat food and do stuff? There’s no Iogic to waste products. Just efficient use of energy. Eat it and boom, go do stuff. Poo and pee causes all those… Coughs and sneezes spread diseases. AII the poo and peeing diseases, choIera, all that… Out the window, if we were God. And then you say, ”You might need the poo for crops.” Well, no, the crops grow because of sunIight. Or because they want to. Remember you’re God. So the appendiX, it sits neXt to your oesophagus your entire Iife going, ”Any grass? Is that grass, mate? Is that grass? What’s that, bok choy? No? ”ArsehoIe. ”What’s that, spinach? Well, do you want… Forget it. ”No, it’s horribIe. I don’t want to touch it. ”We’ve got an appendiX here, but forget it. ”Asparagus! That’s like grass, isn’t it? Big grass? Big grass, mate? ”Do you want to run it through me and Jimbo? Machine? One carefuI owner. ”This is insane. I’m calling InteIIigent Design.” (MIMICKING DIALLING) ”InteIIigent Design.” ”Yeah, it’s the appendiX.” ”Yes, the appendiX. Any news?” ”Well, what the fuck are we doing? ”Did you put us here on duty to deaI with the grass? ”I mean, it doesn’t eat grass. Haven’t you noticed? ”It might be evoIution.” ”Yeah, weII, it might be, motherfucker. ”We don’t wanna be here. We’re just sitting here, doing nothing. ”We want to be somewhere eIse. Where? ”We want to be in the back of books. ”You put an appendiX in the back of books. Go on, put it there, ”and then, we don’t want page numbers, we want Roman numeraIs. ”ReaI teeny, tiny ones. ”And then we want endless Iists of rubbish that no one ever reads. ”Or, they’d read two or three of them and then go, ‘Oh, this is crap.’ ”And then they go back. You do that. Otherwise… Otherwise we will eXpIode.” Your appendiX eXpIodes, just like John Hurt in the fiIm Alien (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) when that thing comes out. And that looks like an appendiX with teeth. Your appendiX very rareIy gets huge and eats the rest of your crew. That’s true. But that’s it. Cows have four stomachs. Why do they have four stomachs? Why not one stomach? Why don’t they do it like us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee? They have four crappy stomachs, or useless stomachs. They eat food, it comes back up, they chew it again, it goes back down. It comes back up. It keeps going up and down. By the fourth stomach, sureIy it’s coming up and they’re going, ”This did not need to come back up. ”This should have gone the other way. ”I now understand ‘shit-eating grin.’ I know what it is. ”ShouId be shit-eating grimace.” (TUTTING) Cows should be in corners of fieIds going… (RETCHING) Never see that. Or they should be in cars going, ”Moo.” ”We like him.” (EXCLAIMING) ”Moo.” Cow and raptor. Cow, raptor. (VOCALISING) ”Moo.” ”Go, cow, go.” ”Moo.” ”Put all the moo in the bag. ”Got Iots of moo.” ”What the fuck is moo?” ”I think it’s air.” Work on the first draft of this script. So, I think we look for ruIes to live our lives. And I decided to take all the reIigions in the worId and all the phiIosophies, because I think reIigions are phiIosophies with an eXtra top coat of mysticaI things, you know. Stuff for people Iiving in trees. Or cIouds. Or trees. If a god lived in a tree that wouldn’t work, would it? ”I am a god.” ”You’re Iiving in a tree. ”You’re like a bird, aren’t you?” ”Yeah. ”But… Oh, bugger.” What I chose from all the reIigions and faiths in the worId, and I decided to try and live… You know, you want some ruIe, direction to live your Iife by. And ”Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” seems to be one thing you can just grab hoId of and is really good. And it’s not perfect, and you’re gonna be grumpy at people, or shouting or whatever, but if you try that one, I think it’s really good. And you don’t need anything eIse. And then there’s the Ten Commandments. Now, that’s a Iot of commandments. I think humans, we like simpIistic. But anyway, Moses, charismatic individuaI, mentioned in the BibIe, mentioned outside the BibIe. Grew up as an ancient Egyptian, which means he was an Egyptian who was really oId at the age of three. ”Oh, yes. Come over here, young man. ”EXcited are we?” He would say. And, so, he was actually a Hebrew person who was smuggIed in and adopted. And all the Hebrew people were ensIaved in Egypt at that time because they were there on hoIiday and it all went pear-shaped. And Moses grew up and he kiIIed a sIave owner. And he rushed off and hid and became a shepherd to get out of being sent… Put on triaI, whatever it was. And whiIe he was up on the mountain with his sheep, a bush caught fire. (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) And he said, ”Right. Come on, sheep, get out of here. ”It’s looking kind of bibIicaI around here.” And the bush said, ”Moses, Moses, come back here.” And he said, ”Hang on, sheep, just wait. What is it?” ”Moses, you must Ieave this pIace.” ”I was Ieaving when you called me back. ”What the bIoody heII do…” ”No, I mean you must Ieave this area, on a short to mid-term future, ”on a geopoIiticaI basis.” ”For fuck’s sake, ”you’re a very compIicated bush. ”We’re not used to that round here.” So, yes. He ran over to the sheep. ”It’s a sIow burn,” he said to the sheep. ”Look, sheep. I gotta go. Get out of Dodge City.” ”You Iads, you get out of here. Run, you run from here. ”I have to go and do things. So you run and you find the Spartan sheep. ”They will train you to be ninjas. They will train you to be kamikaze. ”That’s not really usefuI. ”That’s a kind of (THUD) thing. AII right, forget it, it’s too compIicated.” ”What?” ”Moo.” ”You’re mooing sheep. You must find the Spartan sheep. ”They will train you to become Ieaders of sheep. And I’ll meet you in the finaI scene.” ”Okay.” So he runs off. He goes down to his friends and says, ”Come on, Iads, we’ll get all the Hebrew people and Ieave this desert. ”Let’s go to a desert.” Yeah, change is as good as a rest. ”I want to go to Surrey.” ”No, it’s a bit rainy there.” Let’s go to the desert. He says, ”Let’s go tonight, under the cover of frogs.” So… ‘Cause there were ten pIagues that Ianded on Egypt. And, you know, there’s a pIague of fIies. (MIMICKING FLIES BUZZING) PIague of Iocusts. (MIMICS LOCUSTS CHIRPING) And a pIague of frogs was one of the weirdest pIagues I’ve ever heard of. If that came from God, he had Iost his marbIes. Because a pIague of frogs is not a pIague, is it? It’s just a Iot of frogs. It’s more frogs than usuaI. To be a pIague, you have to be abIe to go, ”The fIies, the fIies!” ”The Iocusts, the Iocusts!” And you’re never going, ”The frogs, the frogs! I’m drowning in frogs! ”HeIp me, Mama, heIp me!” ”PuII Jimby out of the fiI… Out of the frog pit. ”The pit of frogs. The frogs have got him.” ”Don’t Iick their backs.” Who came up with a hallucinogenic back of a toad? Was that God on crack cocaine? (INHALING) ”Look. B-sus, just look at this. ”B-sus, Iick the back of that. (CONTINUES INHALING) ”Lick that. Lick the back of that toad. Lick the back of that toad.” ”Dad, you’ve said that for haIf an hour now.” ”B-sus, you’re covered in something.” ”What, Dad?” ”Wow, this is really good toad. This is a good year. What year is this? ”1927. Wow, eXceIIent toad year.” Toads came up with the Iine, ”You Iick my back, and I’ll Iick yours.” If he created a frog pIague, then he must have been going, ”AII right, T-sus, P-sus, D-sus, L-sus, I want another pIague.” ”You’ve had ten, Dad. Well, you’ve had nine. This’II be the tenth. ”You had a pIague of toads, and a pIague of heIicopters, ”a pIague of people with weird haircuts, pIague of dripping.” ”The dripping, the dripping. But there’s no bread.” ”I want another pIague. Who are those green Iads over there?” ”They’re frogs, they’re pIaying canasta, worId championship.” ”Who’s winning?” ”Frogs are, 2 to 1 .” ”Who are they pIaying?” ”Other frogs.” ”Put them in a DC-9, I want them down.” ”Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters are falling from the… (MIMICS THUDDING) ”Small green monsters, quite small. ”Just frogs.” (MIMICS FROG CROAKING) So they strapped them to their heads and they ran and ran. ”There’s frogs escaping.” ”It’s okay.” And they go up through… And they went through the Red Sea ’cause a giant squid heId the water back. ”Go on, good Iuck, good Iuck.” ”Giant squid’s diary, day 3,009. ”HeIped the frogs. No. ”HeIped the Hebrew people get out ”of Egypt. Running out of bIoody ink again. ”Got a biro. ”HeIped the Hebrew people to escape under the cover of frogs. ”Was gIad to heIp. Links with Noah. Saw Mr SquirreI again.” ”It was heII in there, man. We were ensIaved. ”SquirreIs were ensIaved.” ”For what?” ”I don’t know.” (MIMICKING TRUMPHET BLOWING) ”I’m going to marry a chicken.” So then they wandered in the desert for 40 years. And if I was with that group, after 23 years, I would have turned to them and said, ”What the fuck is going on? 23 years just wandering in the desert. ”I’ll give you 1 7 more years and that’s it.” And after 1 7 years, 30 years, 40 years, and after 40 years, there are obviousIy people going mad, going crazy. They’re going, ”I’m gonna have seX with my foot.” ”I’m gonna eat balloons tiII I eXpIode.” ”I’m gonna set fire to my buttocks.” ”I’m gonna stapIe my toes to a tractor.” ”I’m gonna fiII myseIf with sand and sell myseIf to a taXidermist.” And Moses said, ”Look, you can’t do this. This is insane. You can’t. There are ruIes.” ”There are no ruIes!” ”AII right, I’ll get 10.” So he runs off and comes back, ”AII right, here they are.” ”RuIe one, never piss in a toaster. ”Never eat barbed wire. Don’t call yourseIf Mr Jimjams. ”Never scrape your brain with the back of a comb. ”Don’t put your toes in a fire. ”Never sellotape your eyeIids to your mother’s.” ”What? These aren’t ruIes, you just made these up on the way back from the hiII.” ”I couldn’t find anyone with… Just… I’ll get better ones.” Runs off. Two hours Iater he comes back. ”AII right, all right. Here we are. ”AIways keep quiet. Run up a tree if you see anyone. ”Keep your taiI cIean. Keep your nuts and your makeup in a hoIe in the tree.” ”This is… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) ”These are squirreI ruIes.” ”Hey, man. Don’t have a go at us, man. ”We got good ruIes. Yeah. We know what we’re doing, man. ”This is my chicken.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”Who are these people? They’re not Hebrew squirrels and chickens.” ”They’re just with us. They’re with the band.” So, yes. So then he said… They said to him. They said, ”Moses, look, Moses, we want reaI ruIes, ruIes you can write on rock. ”The three R’s.” So he said, ”AII right. I’ll go get them.” As the audience worked that joke out he ran away. He ran off and he was away for months. About two months. A Iong time. Must have been, because by the time he returned, they had smeIted metaI. That’s a Discovery programme, channeI, thing. That’s a… SmeIting metaI? ”Oh, he’s not coming back. He’s probabIy eaten by bears. ”Let’s smeIt metaI. ”Let’s make a cast-iron version of a god.” And it never works. If you watch it, it’s very difficuIt to make a proper mouId and get it all working out, especially in the desert after 40 years. Pour it out and go, ”There, a goIden caIf.” ”Looks like a badger that’s head’s eXpIoded.” ”That’s a stoat covered in sick.” ”That’s a man who’s eaten too many balloons.” ”Whatever it is, he’s called Jimbo and we’re worshipping him.” ”We worship thee, O Jimbo, our Iord of thistIe. ”PIease bring us kazoos on the hour, every hour.” And then Moses returned and he said… He was furious and he smashed the tabIets of stone on the ground. He said, ”What are you doing?” And they all went… (VOCALISING) He said, ”You call those kazoos? ”’Cause no one recognised the sound.” ”They never do, Great Moses. ”For some reason, that joke aIways screws up at that point. ”You can’t do… We can’t do kazoo sounds.” (VOCALISING) ”Don’t practise now, they’re fiIming.” (VOCALISING) (INHALING) ”The Force is with them.” ”With them?” ”Yeah.” ”Look, look, look, I’ve got ruIes.” And he said he got ruIes. ”Rock ruIes. RuIes written on rock. ”And they’re the Ten Commandments, but you don’t need them, ”because the one, ‘Do unto others,’ is a seIf-poIicing ruIe.” Thou shall not kiII. Do unto others as you’d have others do unto you. WouId you like others to kiII you? ProbabIy not. So don’t kiII other people. WouId you like your stuff being stoIen? ProbabIy not. So don’t steaI other people’s. It’s seIf-poIicing. So those are the two main ones, and then there’s other ones in the Ten Commandments ”like, you know, don’t put your knitting on the stage, Mrs Worthington, or something. I don’t know. Never sellotape your hair to a tractor. These things. And there’s one in there that’s just compIeteIy bonkers. Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour’s oX. What? What, was that all the rage? Were people going, ”Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve’s oX?” ”What? Where? Where?” ”Don’t look now.” ”It’s a genius oX. It’s the most amazing oX I’ve ever seen. It’s brilliant. ”It’s just… Have you seen… It was on Top Ox. It was on Top Ox. ”You know Top Gear? It’s Top Ox. This oX can go 0-50 in under a year. ”It is the most amazingIy sIeek… ”BuiIt by the Germans, you can hang your washing between his ears. ”He really has the biggest face this side of Christendom. ”This is one motherfucker of an oX.” How were… Why were people coveting oXes? It isn’t thou shaIt not steaI the oX, or eat the oX, or set fire to the oX, or have seX with the oX, it’s just covet the oX. It’s just wanting the oX. How do you have an oX market, how do you sell oXes if no one wants them? Any trade will not work if no one can covet anything. It must have been weird. You know, people saying, ”Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour’s oX.” ”He’s not my neighbour, he lives across the road, number 23. ”I’m off on a technicaIity.” I used to say it’s thou shaIt not cover thy neighbour’s oX. And that makes more sense, because you can’t find your bIoody oX. ”Where’s my oX? I can’t bIoody find the oX now. I was in it. ”Jim, have you seen my oX? I can’t bIoody see him anywhere. ”Someone’s just run off with my oX. Where’s your duvet? ”You’ve Iost a duvet, I’ve Iost an oX. There’s an oX and duvet steaIer going around. ”I’m gonna teII the IocaI… Hang on, look, there’s your duvet. ”It’s moving. ”Jimbo… ”You covered up my oX. You covered my oX. ”Thou shaIt not cover thy neighbour’s oX. And I’m your bIoody neighbour. ”You’re gonna go to heII for this.” And finally tonight… In 1969, the Americans Ianded on the Moon. And I can prove it, because the Russians were aIso trying to get to the Moon. The Russians had the first sateIIite in space, the first man in space, first woman in space, the first orbit in space, the first space waIk. A Ioad of firsts in there. Very good. Well done to them. And they didn’t get to the moon first. I don’t know if it was the money… Not sure what the reason was, but, they were very cIose. They were sending an unmanned probe there. So, they would have taken photographs. And if the Americans had not gone, they would have said, (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) ”You did not go. We have photograph, we have videotape. ”It’s a book, a thing, it’s a cow… Two syIIabIes. ”Come, scientists of the worId. We will show you proof.” And they would have proved it. SiX times, they could have proved it. The Russians, they weren’t getting on with the Americans at the time. So… A bit like now. So…yes. So, they did go to the Moon. And I had a Iot invested in that as a chiId in Bishop’s Stortford watching, I didn’t live there, but I just thought that, ”I’ll go to Bishop’s Stortford.” ‘Cause it’s such a crazy name. ‘Cause obviousIy a bishop did have a stortford there, whatever it was. So, yeah. And when they Ianded on the Moon, that was the time. If there is a God in the universe he should have come down and said, ”You’re the first ones to make it from the bIue one to the grey one. Well done. ”You win Smarties forever, and congratuIations. ”NeiI? NeiI. NeiI, weII done. And, Buzz. Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear? ”You Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear? You’re box cIever. Well done. ”Take off your heImets, reIaX. WeIcome, weIcome. ”No, don’t take your heImets off. It’s a joke. ”Sorry, I’m a bit dry. My humour’s a bit dry. I hung out with the British for a whiIe. ”Now, so, yes. Well, this is the grey one. ”And it’s just the top coat. We’re going to paint it at some point. We’re thinking pink. ”What do you think of pink? I’m trying to do a snooker thing. BIue one, red one, pink… ”Yes. Yes, I’m God and I live on the dark side of the Moon ”aIong with Darth Vader…” (BREATHING HEAVILY) ”HeIIo.” ”And Pink FIoyd.” (BREATHING HEAVILY) ”HeIIo.” ”Who do an eXceIIent group impression of Darth Vader. ”And here we have a young friend, the raptor.” ”Hi.” ”And the cow.” ”Moo.” ”They just drove here, being chased by these sheep.” (MIMICKING SHEEP BLEATING) ”These are mad sheep who’ve been trained by Spartan sheep. ”We have a squirreI here.” ”Hey, man, don’t come here. There’s crazy fuckers here. ”That raptor’s insane, man. It’s going to kiII everyone.” ”And this chicken.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”And Mr GeraId, the giant squid.” ”Giant squid’s diary, day 3,009.” ”We’re here on the Moon with the human beings, they’ve made it to the Moon. ”They’ve probabIy got 100 more years before they bIow themseIves up. Can they do it? ”Can they be civiIized enough? It’s up to them, they have to think out of the box.” ”Good night.” Good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DANA CARVEY: STRAIGHT WHITE MALE, 60 (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dana-carvey-straight-white-male-60-2016-full-transcript/

Thank you. Man! Let’s talk about the phenomenon that is Donald Trump. People angry already. “What? I’ll kill you!” “Donald Trump, okay? Donald Trump, all right?” I do him a little effeminate. I don’t know why. I just do him, like, a little soft, little bit of lotion, little bit of ChapStick. I just do, you know. I mean, he’s got his patented moves. You know, he’s got the seal. That’s one of his, the seal. “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” The index shuffle. “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.” He’s like a Batman villain if you think about it, isn’t he? “You’ll never get away with this, Trump.” “You know… I think I will, okay?” The thing of 2016 was that he took out Jeb Bush. He took him out. The Bushes, they’re tough, man. They’re like the “Sons of Katie Elder.” Boomer reference. They’re pissed, you know, ’cause Trump took him down so fast. He just went, “You know, you know, you know, Jeb, you’re a low-energy individual, okay? You’re very tired. You’re very tired. You’re very, very tired. You’re tired… tired… tired.” And I looked at Jeb Bush, and I thought, “My God, he’s right!” He looks like a vice principal of a junior high school. ‘Cause Bush family… But you gotta admit how fun to put W, not Jeb but W, up against Trump. ‘Cause W… W is like… He’s kinda like a street fighter. He’s kinda… You know, he’s kinda just itchy and kinda jumpy. Yeah. He’s the only president who was, like, surfing and hitchhiking the entire time. I would love to see him up against Trump, ’cause Trump would be like, “You know, you’re president because your daddy was president. That’s it. Okay? Okay? Okay?” W would be like… “Yeah. Who does your hair? Stupidcuts? ‘Cause that thing is hair-diculous.” An impression can be anything, in my mind. And that’s my impression… my impression of W. Kinda like a drunk marionette. The thing about Trump, though, if you agree with him, you might kinda like him on certain subjects, ’cause he’s such a blunt force instrument. Like, who else would you want, if he was afraid of global warming at a global warming conference, than Trump? ‘Cause he would be like, “You know… you know, you’re stupid countries. You’re very stupid. You’re stupid, stupid countries. You’re a disaster. You’re a disaster. You’re spewing stuff in the air. It’s a disaster. It’s a disaster. You’re a stupid, stupid disaster. The whole planet’s getting hot. Even the grass is hot. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch… I will be so good with global warming. I will be so, so good with global warming. I will make CO2 pay for it. I promise you that. I know how to make glaciers. I know how to make glaciers. I can make a lot of glaciers, okay? I will take all the ice from the Trump Hotels… It’s a lot of ice. I can promise you that. I will put it on the Carnival cruise ships. They’re friends of mine. I know these people.” It’s a trip, man. Hillary and Bill. Hillary and Bill. What a story. I feel like Bill’s got a headset. He’s got a microphone behind the scenes. “Big Dog to Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill. Come in, Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill. Come on, baby. Come on. Come in, Big Dog, Little Hill. Big Dog, Little Hill. Baby, you gotta slow down. You gotta slow down. You can’t emphasize things that don’t need emphasizing, baby. Now, take it easy. Here it comes. Just do it real soft-like, okay?” And Hillary’s like… “We will do the things that we need to do until we don’t do them… because we don’t need to do them anymore.” “No, baby. No, baby. Ain’t working. Slow down, peaches and cream.” It’s just so much stuff out there. Obama… Obama was the best I’d seen, politically, of creating gravitas all the time because he would pause. He would just take his time, and it made you lean in. I mean, I could listen to him do nursery rhymes, and it would have gravitas with the way he can talk. He’d be like… “‘Jack and Jill went up the hill… …to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown.’ That’s a teachable moment.” “‘Three blind mice. Three blind mice. Chase a farmer’s wife or cut off their tail with a knife.’ The question you gotta ask yourself, ‘Why are these mice blind in the first place? What kind of healthcare program have they got?'” Harvard intellectual, big vocabulary. ‘Cause in a way, Bush gave birth to Obama, ’cause Bush, for eight years, is just hearing this… And then it was just refreshing, that baritone. “This is what we’re prepared to do. That’s the truth. No, no. No, no. No, no. That’s not right. Nope. Never. That’s… what… we’re gonna…” It’s just a pleasant sound. But to try to hear Obama figure out the complexity in the Middle East, it’s very tough, even for him. It’s like, “What we’re continuing to do in terms of the caliphate, what… what our partners, our coalition, strategically, with air strikes, no boots on the ground, our intelligence, what we, the… What our… The northern… The Syrian rebels with a general, um… The effort… the effort to defeat ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, with the… The Ottoman Empire with the Turks. The Peshmerga with Netanyahu and Hamas, in terms of… The proxy war, Khomeini with the Saudis and the… The Shia, the Sunni, Putin and Assad. It’s fucked up.” “It’s a shitstorm.” Notice how anybody and everybody is now Hitler? You noticed that? They called Obama Hitler. They called Trump Hitler. They called Bush Hitler, you know. And Hitler’s a fascinating guy. There’s only one Hitler. And Hitler always was animated and loud, when you’d see him in news reels. He’s like… No human being can sustain that. So, I often thought that Hitler would be just exhausted backstage. You know, so tired he’s almost effeminate. And he’s like really manipulative, like any man or woman of power. He’d be like… “Himmler. Himmler, my little SS man. So stealthy, so secretive. Everyone loves your haircut, but we don’t know who your barber is. You complete me, Himmler. Sometimes we’re at a meeting, and there is an awkward silence, ‘What are we going to do with all these Jews?’ And then you say, ‘How about build more camps?’ And I say, ‘What he said.’ Send in Göring. Hello, Göring, my chubby, little Luftwaffe man. You’re tubby, aren’t you? Don’t shame yourself. In the future, scientists will probably determine that you have a genetic predisposition to crave processed carbohydrates, that’s all. I have one cookie, I put it down. You have one cookie, your brain throws a party, you want 100 cookies. Goebbels and I laugh a lot, we see you at a party. ‘Look at tubby. He’s dive-bombing a cookie.’ All I’m saying is, don’t blitzkrieg cinnamon toast. You’re husky, but you’re my husky, General. And now I’m going to take a nap.” I don’t have a final line for this bit, but that’s all I’m saying right now. Speaking of Bernie Sanders… You gotta love Bernie. You gotta love Bernie. Bernie is what he is, what he is, what he is. I mean, the energy he’s got. This is the Bernie Sanders phenomenon distilled for you. This is my impression. “What I’m prepared to do… What I’m prepared to do… I will find people with money. I will take their money… and give it to people that don’t have money.” He’s like a sleepwalking Frankenstein. “I will find a rich prick. You look like a rich prick. I will take your money and give it to the poor bastard sitting next to you.” I don’t know, to me… I’m a boomer, but to me, you know, capitalism is an Apple Store. Socialism is the Department of Motor Vehicles. And I love them Department of Motor Vehicles. Sweaty, pissed-off workers that can’t get fired, just yelling. And they laugh at you. “You got in the wrong line, you fucking idiot.” Then you go to an Apple Store. It’s like a Stanley Kubrick film. “Welcome to the Apple Store. Do you like all of our beautiful toys? Are you in the market for a 2017 fully-loaded MacBook Pro with, wait for it, 264 gigabytes of storage? Or would you like to visit the Genius Bar for some mental stimulation?” I personally like making money in a capitalist country and then going to a socialist country. I love Italy. I love Italy because… too much pressure in America, man. You gotta do… Keep up with everybody. But in Italy, they don’t care what you make for a living. You’re just a person. “Relax. Have a glass of wine. It’s Italy, all right? Yeah, you make a little love. You have a little wine. It’s all right. Here, have some wine.” “It’s 7:00 a.m.” “Like I said, here we go. Let’s be honest. We’re never going to have a space program.” “Why go to the moon when you can sing to the moon?” ♪ Oh, my moon ♪ ♪ We’re never going to go to you ♪ ♪ Because to go to you ♪ ♪ Would be way too much work ♪ I feel income inequality on airplanes, man. ‘Cause I have extra money, I get to ride in the pointy part of the airplane, and you just feel like a rich prick. You’re up there. You’ve got your New York Times and your champagne, a big leather seat, and then… and then they arrive. The lost masses coming through the porthole. Just hundreds of them, like refugees with carry-on the size of their bodies. “Go! Go!” Little girls will come up and just stare at me. Mothers with six kids. “Why can’t we stay here, Mommy?” “‘Cause they don’t want us here. Get back in the shitty seats.” “Why do they get to stay up here?” “‘Cause they don’t pay their fair share of taxes.” There’s eight of us and 300 of them. It’s the most unequal thing in the world. That’s why I like Aer Lingus, ’cause they just… this Irish airways. They’re very equal in Ireland. First class and coach, it’s almost identical. Just slightly bigger seat. They come on, “Well, if you think you’re a little bit full of yourself, I have the discretion to put you back in the tiny seats at any time.” Have you ever gone on Aer Lingus? Ever heard of Aer Lingus? This Irish… It’s very cool. Why anybody would name their airline Aer Lingus, I can’t fathom. Sounds vaguely pornographic, doesn’t it? “Welcome to Aer Lingus, where you get a little something extra with your ticket.” You go in, it’s very humble. There’s just benches. “Here’s some yarn. Strap yourself in. Here’s a shot of whiskey and a potato. See you in Dublin.” And like I said, I don’t like to fly. We’re out on the tarmac. I was flying with my wife’s aunt and uncle from Ireland, and I asked, “Who does the maintenance on this?” And she was very Irish Catholic. She goes, “I think Jesus can do the maintenance just fine. And Jesus said unto his disciples, ‘Righty tighty, lefty loosey.'” So, it was cool in the beginning, then we hit some wicked turbulence. The pilot comes on, “Well, this is Captain Patrick O’Shaughnessy. As you can see, ladies and gents, the angels and demons are having a bit of a tussle tonight. We suggest you sit back and relax and have a few pints of Guinness like we do up here in the cockpit. There’s nothing like five, six, seven pints of Guinness to make all these knobs, dials and switches mean something to us in the pointy part of the aeroplane. If you check under your seat, you’ll see you have an individual keg of Guinness beer. In the unlikely event your keg loses pressure, a little yellow straw will come down from the ceiling. Be sure your straw is free-flowing with Guinness for yourself before you assist your child, infant, or toddler with their Guinness.” “There’s nothing like a few pints of Guinness for a newborn to build the bones.” So, we’re back there, drinking our free Guinnesses. He comes back, like, 45 minutes later. “This is Captain Paddy O’Shaughnessy.” “Oh, yes! Thank… thank God. Thank God and Jesus himself for the little button I like to call autopilot. Do you ever wonder how this big gob of steel gets up in the first place? Every time she lifts off the tarmac, I say a little prayer to myself, ‘Fly, fucker, fly!’ ♪ Oh, Danny Boy Oh, Danny Boy ♪ My copilot Danny O’Sullivan passed out 19 minutes ago. He had a bite of a five-leaf hallucinogenic clover. The last thing he said before he passed out was, ‘My God, I can fly!’ I’ll leave you with a little joke, ladies and gentiles, before we land in Dublin. Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. It could happen.” So… Thank you. I’m so glad that my sons are in their 20s now, because they are nightmares when they’re teenagers. ‘Cause teenagers are literally insane, and their plans are insane, and you have to hear them out as the parent, ’cause you want to say no right away. But literally, when they were teenagers, I’d hear stuff like, “Uh, we’re gonna drive to Lake Tahoe tonight.” “Really? When are you leaving?” “We’re gonna leave at 3:30 in the morning.” “Who’s driving?” “Eduardo.” “Who’s that?” “He’s a substitute teacher at Drake High School.” “How many are going?” “There’ll be 19 of us in his Cadillac Eldorado. I’m gonna ride in the trunk. We’re gonna drive for 13 hours, snowboard for 11 minutes and ride back.” So, as a parent, you have to say no, and then they walk off with that teenage walk, and under their breath they go, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” You know that walk? In Montana, they call it “all hat and no cattle.” “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” This person has no 401, no property ownership. Just… “Bunch of fucking bullshit, man.” There’s so much attitude, there’s almost no forward motion. They can’t even go forward. I just love the sound of that teenage, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” It’s like it’s its own language. Never take teenage boys to Europe. It’s a waste of time and money. Don’t do it. They don’t care about a statue of David. I thought it was gorgeous. They just laughed for two hours. “Look at his balls. I thought it was a work of art.” One thing that was funny. We went to Italy, and my wife studied Italian for a year, so she could speak and everything. So, I’m in the gym, and I’m on the treadmill. And when it went faster, it said, “Difficoltà.” And I thought, “I can speak Italian if I add a vowel and cop an attitude.” So, we’re in Lake Como… I know. We were there waiting for the boat to come, whatever, the ferry. My wife’s trying to figure out how to ask when it’s gonna arrive, and I just leaned in and went, “Arrivi de boate?” And it worked! I was our interpreter for a week. It was like… When you go on Lake Como, every boat driver goes, “You like to see George Clooney’s house?” They’re obsessed with George Clooney. Pictures in every restaurant of George. So, after the tenth time, I just yelled at the guy, “Sicke of de Clooney.” I heard him, under his breath, go, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” We went to Rome, okay? So, Rome is unbelievable. We were in the Roman Colosseum, and my wife and I are having the time of our life. It’s history. It’s Rome. My God! My son, 18 at the time, no exaggeration, literally said this. “Uh… Is this pretty much all we’re gonna do today?” I said, “Yeah, pretty much.” “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” I kinda love that attitude. There’s a rhythm to that. When I heard it, I thought, “I’m gonna use that as a catchphrase.” “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” And I tried to give it to my son, ’cause he’s a stand-up comedian. He’s the one who said it. He goes, “It doesn’t sound funny to me.” I would use it in real life. The IRS tries to audit you, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” Doin’ a different son. Are those millennials arriving? Anyone? Millennials? Yeah. All right. Under 35? Yeah. Awesome. Look at you. She’s gorgeous. Wow! Young, pretty. Look at these millennials. “Coming in late, man. Hitting the bar kinda hard. They’ll hold the seats.” You’re like superheroes. Enjoy your youth, man. Touch your toes. Never take a nap. Pound those drinks. Wake up fresh. You guys are not gonna mess up your life like the baby boomers. We were way too ambitious, man. Millennials, you’re not gonna mess up your life. You’re gonna work small, live small. Smart. Smart. Have some roommates. Maybe own a bike. You guys don’t even need cars. We had to get cars to be cool. You’re just gonna Uber it up. You’re so brilliant at some things. I mean, millennials are just so fast with their fingers, and they can Call of Duty and Skype and text. But you’re completely crippled when it comes to basic things. ‘Cause your parents are always right there, and they’re the experts. Typical millennial kid will go, “Uh, Mom? Uh… we don’t have any heat in our apartment.” And the mom goes, “You should probably call your landlord.” Millennial kid, “Uh… I’m not real good at calling landlords. Could you do it?” And we do. We do call the landlord, because we don’t want them to be sad. Most photographed generation in history, you millennial. Thousands and thousands of pictures with your obsessed parents. I’m a baby boomer. I have one picture of my childhood. One blurry, black and white photo the size of a postage stamp. I can’t… I can’t tell if I’m smiling or shitting my pants. And the parents are obsessed. God, just please, parents, holster your phone. I don’t wanna see pictures of your kids. Come on, you’re out to dinner with baby boomer parents. “Have you seen Benjamin?” I don’t give a fuck about Benjamin. I don’t care. Millennials. How old are you, ma’am? Twenty-nine. Wow. Sweet spot. Well… And I’m a lascivious old man. I just mean women underestimate their beauty. Your skin is perfect, the neck… I mean, everything has just arrived basically. It’s great. You’re sexy. You’re sexy. I know that you got Pornhub, whatever you’ve got, but you’re not as sexy as a mature woman. I have friends now who are dating women in their early 20s. They’re in their 50s. And… …there’s just no “there, there.” I’m sorry. Just from my point of view. ‘Cause we’re out at a restaurant, this woman goes, “Oh, my God, the dragon rolls are so good here. I’m obsessed with these dragon rolls.” I go, “What about global poverty?” “What?” Young women don’t really know what to do with their body like a mature woman, who’s had children, and she’s in her 50s. A young woman is like, “Oh, my God, what are you trying to do to me?” Older woman is like, “Oh, my God. What are you trying to do to me?” Sex gets good in your 50s, doesn’t it? Look at these smiling seniors. Look at these “Can’t make a baby, some pills, some ointments, some light stretching. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that’s… Whoa, whoa!” Oh, yeah, you got it all going on. Yeehaw! Yeah! Who knew? The thing about it, though, is that, you know… the divorce rate for men and women in their 50s has quadrupled. Quadrupled in the last decade. You know why? Because science will not let us die. Okay, think about it. Okay. You’re sitting there, you’re with someone for 25 years, you’re in your 50s, and at one point, even in the best marriage, you’re thinking… “Three more decades? Really? With this bag of nothing? Three more decades of watching him drool in his sleep?” Three more decades of her going, “I’m kind of gassy today.” Even in the best marriage, at one point, you look over and go… “Not my best choice.” I don’t wanna bum you out, but it’s true. I’m heavily medicated right now. I don’t know about you guys. Don’t you love the pharmacy? Don’t you love the social dynamic of the pharmacy? I just love it. You go in there. Everyone’s uptight. You know the pharmacist in the white lab, he’s dipping into whatever they got back there. And there’s always an old guy off to the side who’s clearly been there all day. “Did my doctor call? Did my doctor call?” They always know his name ’cause he’s there so… “No, Bill, he didn’t call. Try the blood pressure machine again. That’s always fun.” When it’s packed on a Friday afternoon, man, it’s intense. And you’re supposed to stay behind the privacy barrier, so you can’t hear what they’re getting. Don’t you wanna know what they’re getting? Did you ever do an I Love Lucy, where you just kind of creep up and look around? “What do they need to get through life?” I hate it when you get a pissed-off, sweaty, drugged-out pharmacist on a Friday afternoon. The whole place is packed. He starts yelling out. You can hear what people are getting. It’s embarrassing. “We got a pick up. I can’t make out the name here. Pick up Zoloft, Imodium and Ambien, anybody? Pick up Zoloft, Imodium and Ambien, anybody? I need a nutball with diarrhea who can’t sleep. Come on up! You sleepless, diarrhetic nutball!” And then the guy has to do the walk of shame in front of everybody. “Pick up Crestor and Plavix. I need a heart attack waiting to happen. Come on!” Everyone just thinking, “Which ones am I taking?” “Propecia, Adderall and Cialis. Pick up, I can’t make it out, Propecia, Adderall and Cialis. I need a cue ball who’s too distracted to know he can’t get an erection. Come on up!” Is it me or does it seem like the pharmaceutical companies are just making up diseases so they can sell us drugs? I mean, you watch TV and it’s just so weird. I’m waiting for, “Does your tongue seem smaller than it used to be? You may be suffering from Tiny Tongue Syndrome. Has the cat got your tongue? Afraid to eat ice cream in public? Introducing all-new Tenultra. Most patients experience some tongue growth in as little as four to six weeks. Get back in the game. Call your doctor. Get Tenultra!” “Thank you, Tenultra. Thank you. Because of you, my tongue is almost normal size.” “Side effects include elongated torso, thick, matted stomach hair, and sudden anal closure.” Now, here’s a little, what I call, “TED Talk with jokes” section. ‘Cause if I don’t got wisdom, I got nothing. I’m a straight, white male, 60 years of age. Yeah, I know. Straight, white male. So people think I’m racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, Islamophobic and misogynistic. Pretty much me. I’m not a part of a particularly popular group of people right now. I totally understand. My ancestors did some nasty shit. I mean, these white guys, they raped and pilfered and plundered and enslaved, and conquered nations and ruined the environment. But you gotta admit, they were busy. I was raised Lutheran, by the way. I don’t know if you guys are hardcore Irish Catholics or whatever here. I was Lutheran. Lutheran’s pretty cool, ’cause we’re not really hardcore. It’s kind of casual. I mean, you knew that no one in the church really believed that much. Even our hymns were agnostic. It’ll be like… ♪ I’ll believe if you’ll believe ♪ ♪ I’ll believe if you’ll believe ♪ ♪ On Sunday, I believe By Wednesday, I have doubts ♪ ♪ But by Sunday, I believe again ♪ ♪ Oh, if you believe, I’ll believe Oh, yay! ♪ ♪ Jesus, son of God or just a nice guy? ♪ Don’t get me wrong. I love Jesus. My wife’s Irish Catholic. I love Jesus. But Jesus was never the father to a teenage boy. That would have challenged even Jesus. “I am the light. I am the way.” “No, you’re not. Why do you walk around with your palms like that, all out? It looks really stupid.” “Spread the gospel, my son.” “Uh, I’m not real good at spreading the gospel. Could you do it?” And Jesus was… He drank. But how much did Jesus drink? Do you ever wonder? Did he ever put his hand over his goblet and go, “I’m good. I am good”? Is it possible Jesus was a highly functioning alcoholic? You know, Mark says to Matthew, “Healed the leper, but he was lit. We can’t send him to rehab. He can turn water into wine. Jesus! The other night at dinner, he says, ‘One of you will betray me.’ Classic alcoholic behavior. Last week, he said he wanted to walk on water. We gathered everyone around. He was so shit-faced, he just floated on his back for a half hour.” If God had made four sons, could Jesus have opted out on the messiah thing? “Dad, I don’t really feel like being the messiah. Can’t Doug do it?” Then those exorcist movies would be like, “The power of Doug compels you. The power of Doug compels you.” I love faith, but I think it’s good to have some doubts, so you don’t do crazy shit. I mean, I think what America needs, we need an ISIS guy with doubts. You know, just a guy sitting there… “Buckner… I don’t know, Buckner. You know, sometimes things pop into my head. I don’t really know. You know, the whole, you know, if I put on a suicide vest, go boom, then I wake up and there are 72 virgins. It’s just so specific. But I’m sure it’s totally true. I’m sure. I don’t… I’m just saying ideas pop in my head, like, maybe women could drive. I don’t know. Crazy. What if occasionally I had a beer? Would that be terrible? I mean, sometimes I think these things. I don’t know, Buckner. Why can’t the women… I love the way we dress. We cover them, the little eyes and everything, but maybe they could wear a nice pair of Levi’s and a little halter top from the Gap or something.” “I mean, do we really have to kill the nonbelievers? Couldn’t we really just get them in a headlock and go, ‘You better…’?” There’s so much darkness in the world. I think we’re being hypnotized into darkness with these machines. I mean, my parents would get the darkest news, but they were getting it in the 1930s and 1940s. They would hear newsreels. And they were playful and kind of fun, no matter how dark it was. You’d be watching a movie, and before the movie, they’d come on, they’d be like, “News out of 1945 in the Pacific Theater. Ladies and gentlemen, as the Empire of Japan has officially refused to surrender, America says, ‘No go, Tokyo.’ Say hello to Fat Man and Little Boy. 20,000 tons of TNT. Sayonara.” I mean, when I first thought of this, I thought of the Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner thing. I’m friends with Bruce Jenner. I’ve not met Caitlyn. I’m sure she’s really cool. I personally don’t care what anyone does. Transgender, gay, I don’t care what anyone wants to do. I mean, I have a friend who’s trans-bestial. He’s becoming a cat. I don’t care. But I thought that should’ve been more playful. It was so heavy. “He’s becoming a woman. Oh, my God!” It should have just been like, “And Olympic gold medalist, Bruce Jenner, has announced today that he would like to become a she. And guess what, she’s gorgeous.” And when I thought of that, I called my friend, Jon Lovitz, because it sounded like Jon. And I said, “Jon, I just thought of a bit. I want to give it to you.” And I told him, and he laughed. And I go, “Jon, you can have it.” He paused and went, “I’ll write my own material.” But there’s really only two kinds of people in the world, there’s the decent and the indecent. I do think that order matters. And I think that Cosby‘s mistake… Yeah. Cosby did things out of order. That’s all. He did it out of order. If he had consensual sex with a woman, and then gave her an Ambien, no problem. If he gets off and tries it again, it’ll never work. Everybody knows. But if he’s 90, demented, he’ll still try. “So, I got to put the pill in the bitty, and I touch the titty?” “No, Bill. Nothing’s gonna happen.” “But I take the pill, and I put it in the bitty, and I touch the titty?” “Not gonna happen, Bill. I’m sorry, Mr. Cosby. No.” “But I did the bitty, did the titty…” Sometimes, I’ll see stuff that inspires me to do a bit. And I watched this documentary about China. Now, I don’t know if it’s me, but they always seem so depressed. Have you noticed, when they have the interpreter, it’s kinda like, what you hear is… “I live in a village of 90 million people.” “We all work in the same factory.” “All we make are buttons. That’s all we make.” “Oprah Winfrey says, ‘God has a plan for everybody.'” “My dream as a child was to play the cello.” “But the People’s Republic of China said, ‘Dreams are for sleeping.'” “Five kilometers south is the village of Xinhua.” “It’s a village of 490 million people.” “All they make are shoestrings. That’s all they make.” “This bit’s going over better than I thought it would.” “I live on the 620th floor of an apartment building.” “If the elevators break, it can take two months to get out of the building.” “Sometimes, I camp out on the 300th floor.” “I now have a girlfriend.” “She works in a toothbrush factory.” “All they make are toothbrushes. That’s all they make.” “She lost her hands in a toothbrush-related accident.” “I told her what Oprah said, and she said she wanted to flip Oprah off, but she didn’t have the fingers to do it.” “I haven’t lost my sense of humor.” “My favorite comedian is the American Donald Trump.” I come from a pretty modest background. We were five kids in our family, 1,200 square feet, one bathroom… We were the kind of family where the syrup bottle always had ants on it. No one ever knew where the hammer was. “Where’s the hammer? Anyone know where the hammer is? Has anyone seen the hammer?” My… This is an imperfect impression of my dad, last time I talked politics with him. Okay? “Oh, I can’t talk politics with you, because you don’t know shit.” He’s one of those dads you could never show weakness. “I can’t find my car keys.” “I always know where my car keys are. I keep ’em in my pocket, you little shit!” “I’m cold.” “I’m never cold, ’cause I dress in layers!” I don’t know about old guys. When they turn 70, they just start wearing bright pastel colors. They look like the Joker. He came out in a pink shirt and yellow pants. “You’re wearing yellow pants.” “They’re canary!” These old men and their cars, man. They have so much ego about gas mileage. He goes, “I get 25 miles to the gallon in my Buick.” I go, “I get 28 in my Pilot.” “Oh, bullshit!” I showed him a computer when he was 75. He goes, “Oh, computer is a waste of time. Stupid. If you get a computer, you’re just on the computer all day, God damn it.” Were there people like that throughout history? Like, “The printing press. Who needs it? Jesus Christ!” In the Stone Age, “The wheel! What’s the wheel for? If the pharaoh needs a ride, we’ll just carry him on his throne, you big dummies!” I was able to help him out and give him extra money. I’m happy to do that. But when he got older, he forgot my name. And so, he just called me Money. He’d go to my siblings, “Have you seen Money?” They’d go, “Dana?” “Who the hell is Dana? We need some money! From Money!” Five kids. Wild, crazy family. My brother, Brad, who I based Garth on, was one of my older brothers. And Garth is completely Brad. And the thing about Brad was, he was a science kid. So, this is a true story again. I found a dead frog. I was, like, nine years old. And I thought it was dead. I brought it to Brad. He attaches it to two D-cell batteries, right? And I’m looking at the frog. And I go, “Brad… the eye. His eye is opening.” And Brad said, quote, just like this, no exaggeration, “Yeah. I brought him back to life. He’ll never die again.” When I did the movie, I got severe TMJ. And I went to the dentist, and she goes, “You’ve got TMJ.” And I go, “Yeah, it hurts here.” And she goes, “What have you been doing?” And I say, “Well, I’ve been making this face all summer long.” She says, “You’ve got to stop doing that.” I said, “Not for what they’re paying me, bitch!” In my childhood, I was a dishwasher. I was a busboy. We called ourselves Table Maintenance Personnel Managers. And I was a waiter. And what was cool was I waited on my heroes. I waited on George Carlin and Richard Pryor. Isn’t that weird? I waited… I brought George Carlin a bowl of oatmeal. And I put it in front of him, and he goes, “Oatmeal. Drop the ‘O,’ and you have ‘atmeal.'” Wow. That’s just… And then, I gave Richard Pryor a Denver omelet. And afterwards, I’ll never forget it, he goes, “Whoever made this omelet can suck my dick!” And I never knew if that was a positive or a negative. I always wondered. I end up in a movie with Richard Pryor, 12 years later, called Moving. Honor. I’m there with Richard, and I had to know. So, I took a bite of a cheeseburger, and I said, “Man, this is delicious. Whoever made this cheeseburger can suck my dick.” And he goes, “Man, you must love that cheeseburger!” I’ll tell you, when I was raising the kids, I did a lot of stand-up. This is a true story about Microsoft. They asked me to do the Church Lady with Microsoft. And… with the dress. I said, “I don’t sell out that character. I don’t do that.” They told me what they were gonna pay me. I said, “I’ll get the bitch’s dress on right now.” And I’m in this giant arena, with Bill Gates, in the dress. Ten thousand Microsoft nerds, and they revere Bill Gates. He’s next to me. He’s got the thing… “Okay. Here we go…” And they’re leaning in, intense. The nerds are like, “Come on, get him, Bill. They’re gonna do a funny skit.” And I just start to ad-lib. I go… “Well, well, well, Mr. Bill Gates. We like ourselves, don’t we? Apparently, we made a deal with the devil. The devil said we can have $50 billion, but we have to go through life looking like a turtle.” The air got sucked out of the room. That was not a good move. Bill Gates decides to ad-lib. “I’m not a turtle!” And I just think I’m on a roll. “Well, well, well, there we go. We like ourselves. We make a lot of money and feel a little superior.” And it’s just getting quieter and quieter. I just couldn’t read the room. I’m into the character. “We made Windows, didn’t we? So we can creep up to the window at night and look at the fornicators.” So, it’s getting weirdly dark in there. I go, “Let’s do a superior dance.” In the middle of the skit, he goes, “No, thank you. Goodbye.” I walk backstage. It’s a disaster. It’s like Lord of the Rings intensity back there. I’m surrounded by Microsoft nerds, and they’re like, “Oh, my God. You made fun of the precious.” I raised the kids. I took a little bit of time off from show business. And I wanted to be there for ’em, you know, ’cause show business could just take your whole life and time. There was this famous New York actor who was gone so much, his kid was raised by a British nanny, that the kid developed a British accent. And I always wonder what that phone call would be, calling home… “Hey, this is Johnny Stompanato. Is Johnny Stompanato Jr. there?” “Hello, Daddy! So glad to hear your voice. It gives me goose pimples.” “Is your mother there?” “Mommy went to Barcelona with our gardener, Antonio.” “Who’s watching out for you?” “Edwina. She’s my nanny. She’s from jolly old London. We’re going to have a sudsy tub soon.” “Yeah. Okay. Is your little brother Danny there?” “Yes. Yes, Danny’s here, but he’s with his nanny.” “Danny’s got his own nanny? Who’s Danny’s nanny?” “Danny’s nanny is the actor Michael Caine.” “What the freak? Danny!” “Hello, Daddy. My name is Danny Stompanato Jr. So good to hear your voice, Father.” “Danny, how old are you?” “I’m four years old. Today, my nanny, Michael Caine, took me to the beach, and we made sand castles. And then the waves came, and they took the sand castles away.” “Yeah, waves will do shit like that to sand and whatnot.” “And then, we went to the park. And my nanny, Michael Caine, pushed me on the swing. And he pushed me higher and higher, and I went so high, I thought I was gonna go right over the bloody top!” “Yeah, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been doing a lot of motion pictures.” “That’s okay, Daddy. But come home soon, so when I come off the playground, I see my father, and not Academy Award-winning actor Michael Caine.” “Hey, is your little brother Johnny there?” “Johnny’s with his nanny.” “Johnny’s got his own nanny? Who’s Johnny’s nanny?” “Liam Neeson.” “Johnny?” “Now you listen to me, Father. I have skills I’ve acquired, skills that make me a nightmare for an absentee parent such as yourself. If you come home now and bring me a stuffed animal, no harm will come to you.” “What kind of stuffed animal?” “I like hippopotamuses. Would you like to hear a joke, Father?” “Yeah, sure. What the fuck? What? What joke?” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Father.” “Father who?” “Exactly. Now get on home, you motherfucker!” This is something I just like to do. I hope you find it amusing. I love the movie Scarface so much. And um… All right, this is my fantasy of Tony Montana, Al Pacino, having Thanksgiving dinner. Okay. Thanksgiving. “Pass the sweet potatoes. Pass the sweet potatoes! You know I like… You know I like the sweet potatoes. But I look around the table, I don’t see no sweet potatoes. I see a turkey. I see a green bean. But I don’t see no sweet potatoes. Where the sweet potato with the marshmallows toasted on top? I don’t see it. I know who took the sweet potato. I know who ate the sweet potato. It’s that fat bitch over there. Grandma!” “Oh, yeah! You don’t think I see you, man? I see you all the time. I look at you. I look at you. All the time, I watch you, man. You eat. You like to eat, huh? You like to eat? You like to eat? You gotta eat. You like to eat. All right. I’m at a party. They got a bowl of candy corn. They got a bowl of candy corn. I go to get a candy corn. There’s no goddamn candy corn. ‘Cause you ate all the candy corn. Okay? I look at you. I look at you, man. I see you. I see you eating. A carrot cake, all right? I look for a piece of carrot cake. ‘Cause there’s no candy corn. So, I go for a carrot cake. You ate all the goddamn carrot cake. I look at you, man. I look at you all the time, man. At Christmastime. You got a chocolate. You want to get a chocolate out of a box. You pick a chocolate up. You stick your thumb in the back. You get a coconut. You put it right back in the goddamn box. I go to get a chocolate, it’s like a goddamn war zone, man, with all the diggin’ in the back. ‘Cause you don’t check the guide. You got a Whitman’s Sampler. You got a Whitman’s Sampler. In the lid. In the lid. You got a guide. You got a guide. You got a guide. It tells you what a candy is. It tells you what a candy is. But you don’t check the guide. You don’t check the guide. You just… It’s corresponding. Okay? You want a Turtle? You want a chocolate with a nut, called a Turtle? Or a Almond Roca or whatever? You can see with the guide. It say on the lid. But you don’t check the guide. You never check the guide. And you eat all my goddamn candied yams, you son of a bitch!” That just… That’ll never go on the special. Thank you. So last year, which I found very interesting, being a huge Beatles fan, Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney made a song with Kanye West. Okay? And everyone said, “Hey, he’s got his new partner. He’s got his new John Lennon.” And I thought, “I don’t know.” Well, it’s not that heavy. But, for me, I wanted Paul to talk to John about it. So that was my flight of fancy. John, from Heaven, talking to Paul. “Hello, Paul. Paul, this is John. I heard you made a song with Kanye West.” “Yeah, John. I did. I did. I made a little song with Kanye West, you know? You know, I had a little keyboard. You know? And I sat down for a pluckety-doo, you know. And I was plonking away with him. And he started hummy-talky-singy, you know. And the next thing I know, we had a real toe-tapper.” “Well, what are his lyrics about? What does he write about?” “Well, he’s, you know… He’s a good guy, you know. It’s like, he writes things, sort of, like, about how great he is. He’s, like, what we used to call a chest-thumper, you know? He’s a chest-thumper, you know. Remember when you said we were as popular as Jesus? He thinks he is Jesus.” “Well, does he have a woman that inspires him, Paul?” “Oh, yeah. He…” “Oh, yeah. He’s got a terrific gal by the name of Kim Kardashian, you know.” “What does she do?” “Well, really, she’s a nice gal. What she does when she’s working is she takes pictures of her bottom.” “Pictures of her bottom?” “Yeah, that’s her job, you know. Her job. She takes pictures of her bottom.” “Well, does she do it with, a Polaroid camera?” “No, John. In the future, everybody’s got a baby television in their pocket. And it’s got a little camera on it. So when she’s at a hotel or somewhere, she may say, ‘It’s time to go working.’ So she sticks her fanny out, and she takes her baby television…” “What’s so special about her bottom?” “Well, John, it’s not a normal bottom. It’s a prominent bum. It’s a bottom 2.0. It’s like, God made a fanny and attached a person as an afterthought.” “So, that’s what she does?” “Yeah, the whole family does it. They’re all… They’re all taking pictures of their bottoms with their baby television. They all do it. One gentleman got so frustrated, he became a woman.” “Well, what does she do with the cameras? Does she put ’em in magazines?” “No, she posts the pictures.” “Oh, on a bulletin board?” “No… No, John. She posts them on a thing called Facebook.” “Well, what’s Facebook?” “Well, Facebook, John, is a place where you share your life with the world. Like, say you’re in a restaurant, and you have a particularly nice ham sandwich…” “You take out your baby television, and you take a picture. And you send it to all the other baby televisions all over the world. And people can look at your ham sandwich. And if they like it, they press a button on the little baby television. And if you get 100 likes, you’re floating on air for a day or two.” “Well, that’s… That’s amazing, Paul.” “Well, sometimes, you get haters and trolls.” “How can you hate a ham sandwich?” “You’d be surprised, John. You know, not enough lettuce, too much cheese. You know, the normal things.” “Do they remember us, Paul?” “Oh, they do, John. They really do remember us, you know. After the year 2000, we outsold everyone except Eminem.” “We got outsold by a candy?” “It’s a long story, John.” “Did we ever get ownership of our music back, Paul?” “Not exactly. No. Michael Jackson bought our music.” “Really?” “Yeah, you may have seen him up there.” “I haven’t seen him up here.” “Well, he’s changed a little bit, John.” “I did see a white woman trying to teach Liz Taylor the moonwalk the other day.” Thank you, guys. You’ve been awesome. Thank you.

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FRED ARMISEN: STANDUP FOR DRUMMERS (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fred-armisen-standup-for-drummers-transcript/

[man] Drummers only tonight. Drummers only. Not bad. All right. [drumroll] [crowd cheers] [crowd cheers] Have you guys ever checked into one of those newer hotels, like the W Hotel, like a sort of very futuristic-looking hotel, with like sort of white shag carpeting everywhere? And for some reason, this is the music that seems to be playing all the time. [gentle techno muzak plays] What is this music? Who– who makes this music? It… It doesn’t seem to have a beginning or an end. It just pulses like this and… I’m gonna do my impression of waiting to check in to the W Hotel. The front desk is right here. [techno muzak continues] That’s it. Thank you. [audience laughs, applauds] I find jazz music problematic. I have no– Nothing against jazz musicians. I’m sure people enjoy it, but the problem with jazz is that my mind– I immediately think, “This is jazz,” as opposed to really enjoying the song. That’s the problem I have, is it just– Right away, I’m like, “Oh, this is jazz.” My belief is that everyone here has the same problem. And to prove it, I’m gonna play some– some real jazz. And when you find your mind wandering, when you feel like, “Oh, I’m sort of checking out a little bit, ” just honestly raise your hand. I’m gonna do… I’m gonna do the same thing. All right. [jazz plays] Wow, this is great. Right here. I lose it right here. That song, it goes on for another five minutes. There’s more… [jazz song resumes] Now, I just played it. What’s the melody? What’s the melody? Gone. Right? Have you guys ever traveled to another country? You know, some place like Italy or Brazil? And you watch TV, and someone comes on to sing, and it’s someone you’ve never seen before, a total stranger, and there’s a huge crowd, like an arena, screaming for this person. “Who is that guy?” [hums] You know, it’s a sort of… You know. [synth pop plays] [sings in fake Spanish] And they’re freaking out. [synth music stops] And I want to talk to that audience. I want to go to those crowds in whatever language they speak, and say, “You guys, you’re cheering for nobody. There’s… This guy, no one knows who he is.” You know what’s a crazy song? That circus song. You know the circus song? [hums “Entrance of the Gladiators”] What a crazy melody. Who– So, a person wrote that. [hums “Entrance of the Gladiators”] My thought is that… this guy– This person wrote this song, right? And then, someone from the circus was like, “Oh, I like that. Would you mind if I used it? I’m starting this thing called the circus, and I’m just gonna use it, you know…” And the other guy was like, “Oh, my God, please knock yourself out. Whatever you want to do.” And the guy from the circus sped it up. [hums “Entrance of the Gladiators”] And it sort of got used at the circus so much that it got associated with it, to the point where in whatever city they were in, people would go up to the guy who wrote the song like, “Hey, man. I love that circus song.” And he’d say, “It’s not the… It’s not the circus song. I wrote it.” Another type of music I find problematic is zydeco music. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know what it– I just can’t connect to it. I don’t know what it wants from me. If I play zydeco music, I just don’t know what to do. [zydeco music plays] I don’t– I– It’s too silly to dance to, right? But… [zydeco music stops] Blues to me… I picture… a street fair, like a beer fest. You know, like outdoors during the day. And blues is kind of like… It’s great for like 20 seconds, and then immediately, I want to– I just want to go. Do you ever go to a show– Have you ever been to a show and felt sorry for the band? Because you’re the only person there, and, like, they could see you. The band is there, and they brought all their equipment, and they’re playing their hearts out, and you’re like… They can see you. It’s a terrible feeling. I’m gonna do my impression of being at, like, a beer fest, and I’m in the street, watching this band, and for a moment, it’s great. I’m so happy to hear blues, but then… I want to go. And I just don’t want– I don’t want the band to know, but it’s unavoidable. [blues music plays] The band is up on stage right there. [blues music continues playing] Thanks. [blues music stops, audience applauds] Heavy metal has gotten more and more dense, more and more dark. It’s heavier than ever, and that’s great. I love that. But by that trajectory, going back in time, there must have been a time where doo-wop music was the hardest music you’ve ever heard. Right? It only makes sense. There was a time where someone heard doo-wop and was like, “This is too much. This is too loud. Turn it down.” So, I’m gonna do my impression of a guy in the ’50s, and he’s, like, at a doo-wop show, and it’s the heaviest thing he’s ever heard, and he’s so into it. [“Blue Moon” by the Marcels plays] ♪ Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon ♪ ♪ Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon ♪ ♪ Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon ♪ ♪ Blue moon, you saw me standing alone ♪ ♪ Without a dream in my heart ♪ [music stops] It’s pretty crazy music, doo-wop, isn’t it? Like, that’s a band. That’s a real band. They had a practice space and… It was the ’50s, and they were like, “Hey, it’s rock ‘n’ roll time. Let’s make some rock ‘n’ roll songs.” If I was in that band, and someone was like, “Okay, what if I start…” [imitates vocalizing] I’d be like, “No, we should really write something.” So, I’m talking about being a drummer. I love being a drummer. I’m proud of being a drummer. We are drummers. We are all drummers. There’s a pride to it. There’s a pride to carrying a snare case through an airport. You know? You’re just sort of– And this is a secret. You’re just better than everybody. [mutters indistinctly] Not gonna check it, you’re putting it in the overhead compartment, right? You’re a drummer. It’s a sense of pride. It’s a sense of like, “This is the tools of my trade.” And when I see a commercial, you know, for like a new car– I don’t know if you guys go through this. Do you ever look at a new car, and you’re just like, “Where does the kick drum go?” Right? “Where’s the hatchback for it?” Do you ever talk to someone who’s been to Turkey, to Istanbul? My feeling as a drummer– I don’t know if you guys go through this. I’m always like… “Did you visit the Zildjian factory?” This… And then I judge them afterwards if they’re– No, I really do know someone who just went on a honeymoon there, and I was like, “Why did you not go to the Zildjian factory? Why else go?” But we also have to be honest with ourselves about being drummers, right? Like… Sometimes, you’ll go do a gig. Yes, I said– “Gig” is a good word to use, right? I can say “gig.” And… Do you ever bring your own cymbals? Do we really need to bring them? No, we do not. I think it’s because we want to match the other musicians that are bringing guitars. I think we just want to carry something. And the same thing goes for cymbal shopping. It’s kind of a lie. Right? Just a sort of like– You go to these cymbal shops, and there’s like cymbals everywhere. Like fine wine. There’s only one word we use to describe it, whenever we buy that cymbal, is that it’s dark. It’s dark. The dark tone. We have to stop with the way that we want to feel special by pronouncing things weird . Is it “Pay-ste” or “Paiste”? “Zoldjian”? “Zildjian”? Neil “Peert”? Neil “Peart”? Does it have to be that difficult? And when we go look at drum kits… do we really think that those little, teeny kits, those little jazz kits, do we think they sound great? or are we getting older, and we don’t want to carry… those big drums anymore? I’m just asking. How many of you as drummers… You’re just so– How much time has been spent– This is so much– I– I think if we took a film of my experience as a drummer, It would not be on stage, it would be this business, and then… that. Do you ever have someone who’s not a drummer help you unpack? “Here.” “No, you– You broke it.” Is it me, or is it just so hard to get a snare drum to be exactly the right… way? Do you guys go through this? I’m always like, “No, damn it. No. No.” And drum companies… Stop. Stop coming up– They’re– Drum companies have to– They’re out of control. Stop… But the names of hardware… I have a pedal that I’ve been using for so– Called Iron Cobra. I’m a grown man. I… It says on the pedal. It says Iron Co– Iron Cobra? Iron… That’s a cobra made out of iron. You know  cajóns ? They’re– Drum companies– Yeah– Drum companies are trying to… For those of you who aren’t drummers, I’ll explain what a– Cajón is a wooden box that’s supposed to sound like a drum. It sounds like this. It’s like… You’ll see people sitting on them. And they’re trying to sell us these cajóns . The fantasy is we’re gonna go on a camping trip and like… If someone did that, I’d be like, “It’s okay. You can just clap your hands or something.” Do you ever watch a movie or TV show? You’re watching it, and there’s a scene with, like, a wedding band. And the band’s playing. You know? It’s like a really cool scene, and everyone’s acting and… But you look at the… You look at the drum kit… And it’s just so wrong. You’re like, “No.” It takes you right out, right? [no audible drumming] Famous drummers… you guys, when you’re making your drum instruction videos, please, work on the artwork, and the lighting is horrible. Those– Have you seen the lighting in these things? Like… The sweat, the… Paradiddles. I also wanted to discuss… kick pedals. Double kick– You know double kick pedals, right? Yeah. I had one up here. I think– Okay, I’m gonna– I’m missing a double kick pedal that’s supposed to be up here. I’m gonna go… Go grab it. It’s perfectly fine. Hi, excuse me. Oh, yeah. Hi. Good. How can I help you? Good. I just wanted to get this double kick pedal. I’m in a little bit of a rush. Well, this is kind of old-school now. The newest thing is the octa-pedal. Octa-pedal? Yeah, it’s right over here. Check it out. This is an amazing piece of artwork right here. It makes playing eight kick drums a lot easier. [hums in rhythm with pedals] You’re gonna rock this. Octa-pedal… I just can’t picture it working. [rhythmic drumming] Oh, that’s incredible. This could be you, too. [drumroll] Sheila E. I’ve toured around this country a lot. I’ve been all over the place. All kinds of venues, all kinds of cities, all kinds of states. And everyone speaks a different way. It’s kind of the beauty of it. [affected Maine accent] Maine… Maine, you can almost hear England there. [Vermont accent] Vermont, hit the Ts? The T’s are here, Vermont. [Massachusetts accent] Massachus– My daughter. Massachu– My daughter got married in June. June. It’s a kind of bite… It’s a throat bite. Boston, Massachusetts. [Connecticut accent] Connecticut, you get a bit of that East Coast kind of– Almost New York, but not quite. Connecticut. That’s my business, not yours. Yeah, it’s just, Connecticut. [New York accent] Then New York City. New York City’s got a lot of accents. Manhattan. Manhattan’s kind of, you know– Upper West Side is kind of very serious, and… I always fear a medical condition. Upper West Side medical condition, and… [Brooklyn accent] Brooklyn. Brooklyn’s a little more tough. Yeah, Brooklyn, what? Brooklyn. Brooklyn’s tough, but the Bronx– [Bronx accent] The Bronx is in the lungs. What? The Bronx. [alternating accents] Brooklyn. The Bronx. Brooklyn. Manhattan. Manhattan. Professional Manhattan. Brooklyn. [Queens accent] Queens has got– Queens. Nobody told me. Queens. Nobody told me. Why didn’t you tell me? [Long Island accent] Lo– Lo– Lo– Long Island stalls for time. Stal– I’m gonna stall. New Jersey. [Jersey accent] New Jersey starts to kind of– It– New Jersey’s almost like a little punch. About to punch, New Jersey. Got New Jersey, and then Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. [Pittsburgh accent] You can just go there. You can just go there to Pittsburgh. [Baltimore accent] And then down to Baltimore. Motor oil. I always think “motor oil.” Baltimore. Motor oil. [Virginian accent] Then down to Virginia. Virginia’s got… You kind of start to hear a little bit of the Southern accent, but not too much. [accents switch] West Virginia’s kind of– You’ve heard that before. And Kentucky tightens up a little. But Kentucky… the I is clo– Kentucky. West Vir– And then, little bit more, North Carolina. There’s kind of a– Now,  hold on. North Carolina. You mentioned two pumpkins. I’m not sure– Just rethinking what you said there. And then… Then South Carolina, there’s a little bit of pageantry in South Carolina. And Georgia, you start to lose the R in Georgia. Georgia, Atlanta. Florida. No– Florida. Kind of… They kind of take two syllables, turn them into one. Flo– Florida. Florida. But Miami’s got a little bit of– I am born in Miami, but I still have this accent, and… But Florida, mostly, I don’t know why, it was a baseball mitt. Baseball mitt. Alabama. ‘Bama– Alabama. There’s a kind of bounce to the word– The syllables, Alabama. Texas, I kind of… Dallas. Dallas, to me, seems the most forthright, but then Houston, I feel like they’re scolding you a little. Houston. But Austin’s got– Austin wants to have fun. I would like to put a little laugh in Austin. [accent switches] Dallas. Houston. Dallas. Dallas. Oklahoma and Arkansas, and then you go to Illinois. You can start to get that– Actually, a lot of Southern Illinois still has a bit of a drawl, but as you come up through Indiana and Chicago, you start to get that Midwestern sound. Chicago. Chicago. Ca… Ba… Car. Whose car? Is that your car? But Wisconsin’s more Chicago than Chicago, Wisconsin. This is the Minneapolis Police. Minneapolis. Minnesota. Minnesota. Duluth, almost Canadian, Duluth. But Canada’s– Oh, Canada, eh? I know. We’ve heard it before, eh? Cigarettes, eh? Cigarettes. And then as you go through Montana, it starts to flatten out, Montana. I think they put a Y in their vowels for some reason. Montana. Idaho and Seattle. Seattle is interesting because they present their words on a plate. They present… I’m from Seattle. These are the words. Portland is the same thing, but set back a little bit, and a little more quiet. So, they present the words to you, but they take it back a little bit. No. No. San Francisco. I– The way I think of San Francisco is this is a fact. This is a fact. Excuse me? No. That– This is a fact. This is… But in Southern California, as you go down, the thing that you want to do is you want to pronounce every part of the word. Every syllable of every word. Southern California. Arizona, and then going into Mexico. Mexico, the Spanish… [speaking in Spanish] [continues speaking in Spanish] But lo Cubano… [speaking in Spanish] [continues speaking in Spanish] [switches between Mexican-accented and Cuban-accented Spanish] Thank you very much. All right. Do you ever see the thing that these people do when there’s an adult, and then there’s a child– They’re talking to a child, and then there’s another adult in the room, and they sort of do a joke that is only for the other adult? They sort of link it with a wink. You know, kind of like, “Hey. Did you get your driver’s license?” “Got a girlfriend?” What’s the wink for? What’s the wink? Do you ever step into an elevator? You go in, it’s just you, and there’s two people. And one person wants to carry on the conversation at full volume, right? But the other person wants to kill the conversation, wants it done. “I can’t believe that guy said he’s from Peru.” “I know.” Something that people are doing these days with words are they’re slowing a word down at the end of a sentence to emphasize it. They slow it almost to a dead stop. I was getting my hair cut, and it was kind of crowded, and I told the lady, I was just like, “Hey, you guys are doing great. This is really good.” She’s like, “I know, it’s great. It’s like– It’s weird because, like, we don’t really do any advertising .” Ever see this thing that people do where they play-act within their sentence? They do a little act. They sort of involve themselves in an act in describing themselves. You know what I mean? Kind of like, “Yeah, it’s really weird, I’m, like, a parent now. It’s weird, ’cause I’m, like, going to PTA meetings. I’m, like, buying toys.” I am not impressed by great photography. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about great photography. It’s overrated. So what? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information. It’s always sort of a wrinkled face. Wrinkled. Black and white, wrinkles. And like a shabby room. A shabby living room, maybe. Maybe a picture of a beauty pageant. You know what great photography is usually? It’s poor people. Right? That’s all it ever– It’s just poor people– It’s a poor person proud of something. Every great– I don’t like camping, because I don’t like the sound of the tent– The zippers. [imitates zipper unzipping] First thing in the morning… [imitates zipper] [imitates zipper] Do you ever feel sorry for a corporation? I feel sorry for Burger King. I feel bad. I pull into a rest stop, and I’m like, “Oh, Burger– Look at them.” I just– Changing their logo and, like, really… They’re still doing it, but they’re… And I’m sure someone from the company would say, “Actually, we’re doing great.” But to me, they don’t seem like they’re in the conversation. You know what I mean? They’re not in– They’re not a guilty pleasure. They’re not– They’re just Burger King. I’m like, “Oh, I guess– I guess we’ll go there.” I also feel sorry for doctors from the 1700s. I feel bad for them. We all– We’re so mean. Why are you guys so mean to them? You’re like, “Oh, they used leeches, those idiots.” What? Leave them alone. If I was them, I’d be like, “Hey, I’m so sorry that we wanted to help people. And we don’t have microscopes. I’m sorry. Leeches, that’s what we have. I’m just trying to help people.” It’s a wrap on back surgery. Back surgery doesn’t work. No more back surgery. Don’t you feel like with back surgery, it’s like, “Hey, do you want to go do this thing?” “No, I just had back surgery.” Isn’t supposed to be, “They fixed it”? Do you ever notice that musicians, like guitar players, they have like weird, little, wispy bodies? Sloping… You know, sloped shoulders and like wispy hands and arms. But their heads are kind of too big. “Come see the show.” Aren’t crazy people crazy? That’s a separate thought. Just crazy people, they really do it 24/7. When I see videos online of people, like, releasing animals, you know, like freeing– Like, there’ll be a goat or something trapped in a barbed wire fence. They cut it, and then these animals run away. They show zero gratitude. Do you notice that? There’s never the moment in the video where they’re like, “Oh, my God, thank you so much. I can’t believe it.” They just run away. I’m gonna do my impression of a decomposing fox. You know, like those fast-motion videos. Can you all see me? A little bit. Thank you. I had a near-death experience. This really happened to me. I– Have you guys gone to Disneyland? [audience cheers] I had a really scary thing happen to me there, where I’m on the Indiana Jones ride, right? This is true. I went on the Indiana Jones ride. My sister and her two kids, they were in the front, and I was in the middle seat. And what it is, it’s like an amphibious vehicle, like a Jeep, with like three wheels. So I get on, get in, and my Jeep, mine, went off the tracks. Went off of the tracks. It jumped up, and it went through this, like, tunnel, like a rock tunnel… and, like, down, and then… I’m like, “How do I jump out of this thing?” And it goes… It goes over this bridge, a bridge… that’s falling apart. It was like an old broken bridge. I don’t know why it was in there. Horrifying. And there’s kids in the front, and there’s this– The feeling of arrows whizzing past me. And then… Awful. And then I looked behind me, and there’s a boulder coming through like this. So I’m just like, “Oh, that’s– Okay, people make mistakes. I understand.” So I get out, and I get on the ride again. It happened again. Remember this, okay? If I die before you, do not let my funeral be, like, a joyous occasion. I want my funeral… Please make sure this happens. …to be terrifying. Funerals should be scary. That’s what they’re for. Right? It should be– I want people to come back from my funeral like, “That was horrible. That was…” I want there to be screams, and thunder and lightning, and a horse-drawn carriage. I want the body to be missing. I want the sort of coffin to look like a real coffin shape, and then– The music should be that organ music, right? You know the organ music? [ominous organ music plays] I want to hire an actor to kind of like… greet people. “Are you here for the funeral?” [ominous organ music stops] You know what’s weird about– The weird thing about being a drummer is the pathway behind the hi-hat. Right? Where do we go? Never– It’s never right, and this always happens. My other problem with jazz… is that jazz drummers, you know, they have their whole kit, they never play it. They never really play the drums, do they? Do ever notice that? You go to see a jazz band, and it’s just… [riffs gently on cymbals] Do you drummers — Do you guys have that friend who thinks they can play the drums? Do you have that guy? That person who just, “Hey, I could do this.” It’s always the same beat. Do you ever see those drummers who… They have that one reggae song, and they have to prove to you that they can play– They play– Overplay it. It’s like too reggae, you know. [plays reggae drum line] Calm down. I don’t know why, this is my least favorite beat to play. I can’t get into it. There’s something wrong with this beat. It’s not fun to listen to, not fun to play. Here are some drummers you might know. This is my impression of Ringo Starr. He’s always very happy when he plays. [plays upbeat drum line] Keith Moon is a little more… [plays fast-paced drum line] Larry Mullen from U2. [plays rhythmic drum line] He’s sort of marching forward. -[man] Copeland. -There’s– Stewart Copeland. Someone say Stewart Copeland? He’s kind of like…[ [plays upbeat drum line] Meg White, she’s great. She’s got a very– She’s got an arc of drumming, so… [plays emphatic drum line] A lot of drummers, they tell you that their favorite drummer is John Bonham in a way– As if they’re the first person to say it. Like, “You know who I like? Bonham.” Do you ever see that… When a drummer plays on a ballad, they ding the cymbal at the end for no reason . It doesn’t do anything to the song. Do you ever see that? ♪ Until the end of time  ♪ [cymbal dings] Why? Leave it. Leave the song alone. It’s great. It ended already. This did nothing. How many people have either been in this band, or have had to see this type of band? [guitar music continues via foot pedal] [looped guitar music continues] Do you ever listen to… Do you ever listen to NPR? And there… There are those drummers who are too respectful… Too respectful of the artist. They’re so gentle, and they– They usually play with, like, a maraca and a mallet. I’ll show you what I mean. I’d like to bring on a special guest… here at NPR. How’s it going, Thao? I’m doing well. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Welcome to the station, and… I understand you’ve been touring. What’s that like? I’d say it’s both inspiring and devastating. But really beneficial, because… all points of joy and sorrow are like messiahs of song to me. You’re gonna play a song from the new album, correct? I would be honored. All right, let’s get your whole band here, and off you go. [gently riffs on drums] ♪ A window by the porch ♪ ♪ A faded mirror in the vestibule ♪ ♪ A letter addressed To the owner of the house ♪ ♪ With the rusty weather vane ♪ ♪ But the owner is a ghost ♪ ♪ From Missouri ♪ ♪ From Missouri ♪ Thank you. Thank you. One last impression of a drummer I wanted to do is Tito Puente. I used to see Tito Puente… [plays Latin jazz drum line] He was so great, and he would do… He would sort of do the same joke every night, but I always thought it was a brand-new joke until I saw it a few times, but it’s so good. He was always like… Did you feel it? -Did you feel it? -Yeah! Did you feel it, beautiful baby? Not you, her. -[man] Karen Carpenter. -Karen Carpenter is great. Did you see that video of, like, her playing all the different kits? Yeah. I’m gonna do something similar, so… There’s this line of kits in front of me. So, Revival Drums helped me do this. This is drum kits through the decades. Right? It’s sort of working its way back. We started– We couldn’t really do the 1800s, because that’s sort of marching band drums, but we figured maybe the ’20s and ’30s was a good place to start. So… here is this. Here’s this kit from the ’20s and ’30s. And these are called traps, because they were– They’re contraptions. This is before they were really riding on any cymbals or hi-hats. So it’s kind of… [plays jazzy big band drum line] And they would sort of hit the cymbal without the kick drum. You’d only hear it on its own. The thing that — There’s also something called a lowboy, that’s like a little hi-hat down here. Before they could real– Before they figured out to sort of hit them, it was just down here. There were all these sound effects because of silent movies. They would sort of play for those. So this is a Chinese tom-tom. Wood blocks, cowbell, cymbal . So, pretty cool. I like this. Then we move on to the ’40s. This is a sort of Gene Krupa big-band-style kit. And this is where like… [plays big band drum line] Or the du– The hi-hat would sort of– That kind of came into play when they could play with their sticks. And… And brushes… Brushes, so cool. That’s like the sort of last of that sort of swinging sound. So, this is the ’50s, and this is where rock ‘n’ roll– This is where sort of it became less of that triplet feel, and just kind of straight eighth notes. [plays rock ‘n’ roll drum line] They would also do– A lot of ’50s music sort of pause– The drums would just pause for, like, a buildup. Really nice sound. Then… This is the ’60s, and this is where things got a little more swishy and kind of funky at the same time. Kind of like… [plays energetic drum line] This is the sort of Ringo-style kit, and they– Apparently, people saw them on Ed Sullivan, and they just wanted– Everyone wanted to be a drummer. That’s kind of where that all turned around. And then we’ve got the ’70s, where the kits kind of just grew. Just really big kits. You know, sort of… [plays upbeat drum line] But somehow, strangely, softer music. Like bigger kits, but softer music. And… a lot of their sound kind of came… There’s a kind of really dead sound. I kind of picture– Well, disco was kind of like… [plays disco drum line] Or even softer. Sometimes, it was… Speaking of deadened tom-toms, sometimes– I don’t know how many Beatle fans are here, but when Paul McCartney– Yeah. When Paul McCartney plays drums… He’s done so in a lot of his solo stuff. …he tends to stop his beat to do a fill, and then he doesn’t end it with a cymbal. So it’s kind of like… What a nice audience. It’s so nice to see everybody. Hi. This is kind of my favorite. This is kind of where I grew up listening to drummers. This is a Simmons pad kit. This is– I brought this from home. But everything became kind of up-tempo, you know. [plays up-tempo drum line] Or there’s the kind of– The Minneapolis sound. I know those are LinnDrums, but I always– When I think of Prince, it’s… [plays ’70s pop drum line] That kind of… -Yeah! -Yeah. Yes. I could play this all– I love these. The ’80s… The poor ’80s. The ’80s were kind of like… They– Their attitude was like, “No, now we begin the future.” Hexagonal drums. This is it. No more drums. This is… But that– That was it. It ended there. It ended in 1988 or whatever. Now, the ’90s… ’90s is a curious decade of drumming. Huge kick drums. Yellow, red. Lot of colors. Lot of bright colors. It was kind of bottom heavy with the toms, right? Sort of… But with the snare, super high and tight. So… But… Do you ever see the thing, like in the ’90s, where they’d have a regular beat going, and then they would sort of abruptly cut to like a little sort of drum machine beat? You know, like…. Lot of buildups, too, in the ’90s. So, that brings us to this. This is the sort of… I tried to come up with a 2000s kit, and it’s really– What I’ve been seeing… I hope this isn’t getting in your face. Sorry about that. …is a lot of– There’s a lot of vintage-looking drums, kind of smaller. A Roland pad. They’ll put a pad up here instead of a rack tom. They do a lot of their fills on the hi-hat. And also, there seems to be a laptop going most of the time. So, there’s a lot of… And then a really dead-sounding cymbal. And there we go, there’s everything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, drums. From Green Day, Tré Cool. So… Tré and I are gonna show you some of the dynamics of being in a band together. One of them is… One of the first things they do, is there’s always… If you’re in a band with someone else, there’s always an inside joke, and it’s annoying to everyone else. But to us, we love it. Hey, Tré, the orange is over. The orange is over. No, stop, really. Don’t– The other thing is, sometimes a guitar player will show a song to a drummer, and there’s a clear one, the one count, but it’s clear only to this guitar player. And the drummer’s usually got it right, but it kind of– It’s kind of like this, “Hey, man, I got a new song. Let me show it to you first.” No, no, no. It’s one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two– No. No. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. That’s how practice goes. The other thing that bands do when they practice is, a lot of their time isn’t spent songwriting. It’s just really dissing another band. They saw their friends’ band. They just saw them play, and they just go on and on about how terrible they are, but they’re nice guys. Man, the Gym Socks, I– I don’t get it. They just… They’re not good. Did you see how high the drummer puts his cymbals? What is… -Why? -Gym Socks, dudes suck. They suck. They’re nice guys, but– Also– -Super nice guys. -Super nice guys. But… This is not a song. Why? Why? That’s most of a band practice. The other– Thank you. The other thing– A lot of discussion if you’re in a band is about what time you have to get there. So, if they’re there at four, don’t we show up at five? Six? I’m sure six is fine. -Can you fit my kick drum in your car? -Yeah. Thank you. I’d like to bring up, from Warpaint, Stella Mozgawa. The other thing that drummers deal with is sound guys. Sound guys, if you’re a drummer, they make the same joke every time. It’s always- You load in… -Hi. -Where’s your gong? Good one. Next time. You should bring your gong. Okay. Yep. And then much of our time as drummers, it sounds– This is the sound of our life. Kick. [strikes kick pedal] Keep going. Snare. Rack. Do you want that ring in there? -I can change it. -No, it’s okay. -Okay. -Floor. Do you want that ring in there? Do– Yeah. -Whole kit. Whole kit. -Okay. Yeah. Great. We don’t have any mikes yet, but… -Great. -The other thing… musicians deal with– Do you ever see, like, the guitar player who does not know how to play the drums? You could tell by the way they hold the stick. But they want to have drums on stage. So, just do a regular beat. So, if we’re in a band… Thank you. There’s– How many of you drummers– You guys must be in bands. Are you guys in bands? Have you seen the– When a songwriter shows you a song that has way too many parts. Okay, ready for the song? So, it starts off– It’s just gonna go… And then– So, then it just goes to a quick– [guitar line speeds up] [guitar line speeds up more] This goes for a while. Stop. Rest. Rest, then… [guitar line slows down] Then it’ll go… [plays melodic guitar line] Yeah. This is just twice. And then… [guitar line speeds up] A little reggae part. [plays reggae guitar line] And then… [plays somber guitar line] -No drums in this part. -Okay. Yep. -Okay, ready? -Yeah. It’s a seven count. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Thank you. Stella Mozgawa. How you guys doing? This is so much fun for me, I just want you to know. There’s another drummer I’m gonna bring up, and he’s originally from Austria. He’s, like, a brilliant drum technician, and a drum aficionado. Just a real hero of drumming. You will not believe how great he is. His name is Thomas Lang. Thomas Lang. Thomas, how are you? Thanks for doing this, buddy. So, Thomas is here, he’s brilliant. A real– I mean, he’s got so much material out. He tours– 78 countries, I think you’ve been to? Yeah. This year. So, I thought it would be cool to bring him out, and I wrote a little one-act play that we could read together. There you go. Okay. Here we go. Two brothers, Danny… I’m Danny. …and Edward… That’s Thomas. …are at the airport, just inside the terminal. Edward has a suitcase… Your suitcase is there. …and Danny, me, is dropping him off. Okay… you all set? Do you have your passport? Of course I do. Well, I’m just making sure. People can be forgetful. Not me. I can’t be forgetful. I suppose that to be true. Can you imagine me stepping off the plane, saying, “Hi. I don’t have a passport, but I’m going to be sightseeing here for ten years.” Is that what you’re doing in Monte Carlo, sightseeing? Yes, my brother. For ten years. I imagine you could do that in a few weeks, no? You can imagine all you want, but when I sight-see, I sight-see every building up close. The cement is like an inch from my face. I understand you wanting to travel, but the family needs you here. We have to tend to the mitten shop. Mittens, mittens, mittens. The world’s bigger than mittens, you know, Danny. It is? Yes. Danny, I’m older than you. Who knows exactly how many years. I’m guessing two. But our parents, they were too busy to tell us. I know. They were always deep in conversation with each other. I wish they had time to talk to us. Maybe we’re the same age. When’s your flight? I have to look it up. I’m not going direct. I fly first to Toronto, then I go to Dublin, then I go back to Atlanta, and then right to Rome from there. And from there, I’ll take a train. Isn’t there anything faster? These pilots, they’re the fastest in the business. I know some of them personally, actually. Have you heard of José Medeiros? I haven’t. He’s from Toronto Airlines. He’s the best. I’m gonna miss you, Edward. Look. Look. They’re towing your car, man. You should’ve parked in the drop-off area. That’s okay. I don’t mind. I’ll deal with it next week. -Danny. -Yes. I just realized something. I forgot my passport. I left it in the garage. Edward! Thank you. There’s someone who lives part-time in this city, and it’s John Waters. You guys know John Waters, the director? When I was 15, he kind of saved my life. He gave me purpose. And it sounds like an exaggeration… but what happened was, I was 15, and I was in English class in 8th grade, and I had this assignment that was like, “If you had one more day to live, what would you do?” And everyone was like, “Oh, I’d visit my grandmother,” and all this stuff, and I just wrote this paper, it was like, “I would smash in all the store windows on the street, and I would set every place on fire.” Right? And I think I was trying to be funny. I don’t know what I was trying to do. I really felt like if it was my last day on Earth, I just wanted to sort of just destroy everything. So, my English teacher, she didn’t give me a grade. She said, “See me after class.” And for the next day– The next day after, she sent me to the school psychologist. And he was like giving me– It was really scary as a kid, ’cause he was giving me this written test, it was like, “Do you see animals that other people don’t seem to see? Do you feel a tight band wrapped around your head?” And I was like, “No, no. This is– You’ve misunderstood me.” And, you know, when you’re 15, you don’t know what you– Who you are. So then I heard John Waters on the radio. He was doing, like, a promotional interview for his book called Shock Value. And in the book, he’s like, “If someone pukes at one of my movies, I consider it to be a standing ovation.” And I was like, “Yes, I want to be like that person. That kind of, like, weirdo.” You know what I mean? I can’t think of any other word. So, it was such a great book, so I wrote him this letter. “Dear John, please do not regard this as just another fan letter. You and I have very much in common, except I’m 15 years old. I also make films, and they’re not ordinary little movies.” I did, with my friends, we used to make these little horror movies with a lot of blood and stuff. Just these little 8mm three-minute things. “Every time you make a film, people praise you as a genius, including me… but my films only get me to a psychiatrist or kicked out of where I’m showing it. Why?” That’s not really true. It was more related to the paper I wrote, but that was too complicated. I don’t know. I can’t get into my own 15-year-old head. I want to go back and be like, “Fred, write a factual letter,” but… “When I was younger, I, too, wrecked cars” So, in his book, he said he used to light cars– Little toy cars on fire. I did the same thing. “I burnt them. That was really great. I don’t even want to get into how much we have in common. Let’s just say it’s a lot. I read Shock Value three times over, and loved it more than anything.” That’s true. “I had it taken away from me in school about seven times. I decided Cookie Mueller was my favorite Dreamland girl, and since she, too, lived in New York, I decided to look her up. I found her address, wrote to her, and she wrote back with an autographed letter and your address. Don’t get mad at her for giving it to me. Please write back, okay, John? I feel I have a lot to learn from you about my future. You are my idol, and one day, I will take over your puke-dom…” He was the prince of puke. “…(if you don’t mind). You should see my movies.” Okay. So, a heart– Thank you. Yes, a heartfelt… [audience claps] You know, no direction. You know that feeling, you don’t know– You’re sort of scared of yourself? And… Well, I wrote him this letter. He wrote me back. “Dear Freddy, thank you for your enjoyable and funny letter. I guess the difference is that they don’t drag me to a psychiatrist because I’ve been making the films for a long time, and you just started. Just don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do it, and just keep plugging away.” Right away, he took me seriously. He really considered what I wrote to him. “I do hope you can take over my puke-dom. Just remember to keep it funny, because it’s simple to just be disgusting, but not so original. The most important thing is humor and originality.” Fantastic. “I wish you lots of luck with your films. The only way to learn is by doing it.” This last line is really cool. “Read Variety, it’s the best textbook. Best, John Waters.” This stays with me today. It’s such a loving, peaceful, really artistic postcard. And so, John Waters saved my life. Thank you. I’d like to bring up Stella Mozgawa. You’re right here. Tré Cool. Thanks, Tré. Thomas Lang, come on up. Thanks. The orange is over. Yeah. Yes. Hey, where’s your gong? One, two, three, four. Stella Mozgawa. Tré Cool. Thomas Lang. Fred Armisen. Everybody. One, two, three, four. -Those clubs, they get hot. -You got to put the tape on. -Thank you very much. -You know what you need? Splash cymbal. You can double it. An ashtray. You smoke? You got an ashtray, you got a cymbal. -Look at that. -Put these on the drums. It’s gonna make it sound… Sound like a studio. Underrated. This goes right on top like this. And you have this like this. Look at this. You got everything in there. Bill Stewart, Todd Sucherman. You got Derek Roddy. Unbelievable. Really, everybody. You got to have that. I’m telling you, you need all this. If you want to be a pro drummer, hey, you take– Look. Look who you got– -Is telling you about it. -We do it all the time. -Okay. -It’s a must-have. [spooky organ music plays]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-tamborine-transcript/

[indistinct overlapping chatter] [woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid… just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months they’d look at their dead n i g g a calendar and go… “Oh, my God, we’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Uh, which one?” “The first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world… with real equality. I wanna live in a world… where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice.” I know some people like, “Come on, Chris, man. You go too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you, man. You a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not, like, Michael Jackson, famous. I’m not famous from miles away. Like, my fame kicks in right about here. You know? When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a… Hey, that’s Chris Rock! Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. You know, this whole thing with the cops, man, ’cause… You know, as a black man, especially a grown black man, I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like, on one hand I’m a black man so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the crips. Uh, yo, crips… can you send Lil’ JJ down? Oh, he’s here already. My bad. My bad.” I mean, here’s the thing with the cops, though, I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough. [scattered clapping] And you get what you pay for. Here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man… they always say the same things, man. They always say the same thing. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” It’s just a few bad apples. Bad apple? That’s a lovely name for murderer. It’s like, how’d they get that one? “Bad apple?” That almost sounds nice. I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, ok? But some jobs can’t have bad apples. Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like… pilots. -[scattered clapping] -You know? American Airlines can’t be like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples… that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” America’s insane, man. Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems. We got the gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, ok? It’s like, “Gun control.” There ain’t never gonna be no gun control, ok? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot yo ass, ok? That’s right. They never, ever changing the gun laws. Because Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt. It’s like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean… I’ve been hunting. I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. Went hunting with my grandfather. Uh, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a faggot. And he’s a preacher. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok? And somebody will come on TV. You know, and they’ll just talk like… “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. As a matter of fact, if the gunman would’ve had a knife… he could’ve stabbed 100 people to death. Could’ve stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. Check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed, at the same time, in the same place by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserved to die. What? You just watching this shit? “Oh shit, somebody got stabbed. Oh, they stabbed somebody else. Oh, he stabbed somebody else. Oh, he getting closer. Oh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming. Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me. He’s a stabbin’ fool. Guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” Yo, it is so good to be here right now. Glad to be back. Here’s the weird thing. I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People like, “Where you been? Been busy, trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Now, my oldest daughter just started high school. Just started high school. Lola just started high school. And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole. And, uh… Kept her off the pole, you know. She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we’re working on it. She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation. You ever go to freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this. With, you know, a couple thousand kids. People come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. And I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be. You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be. But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. Shit, I’m looking at these kids right now. I count at least 60 Uber drivers. They could be anything they wanna be. Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth. Say, “Hey kids, check this out. Check this out. You can be anything you’re good at. As long as they’re hiring.” [laughter and applause] And even then it helps to know somebody. So, I’m sitting there. I’m in school and I’m watching this shit. And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got black kids, man. You know, and I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. Because the black kids, you’re, you’re… You know, you’re getting ready to face a whole other world. I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man. I gotta get them ready for America, man. You know? It’s like, you know. I mean, not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys are alright. Ya’ll cool. Every one of you. I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.” But so I’m at school and I’m like, “Yo, I think we need separate orientations.” ‘Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, ok? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born. Ok? Even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. My house, we don’t have fire drills. We have white-r drills. So, ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So, everything in my house… that’s the color white… is either hot, heavy, or sharp. So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They gotta contemplate this shit. “Oh, this napkin, ok. Should I wipe my mouth with it? Or is that what whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat. Burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention.” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. [crying] “Daddy! Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream… with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “Should’ve got chocolate.” [laughter and clapping] Yeah, I go hard. I got girls and I go hard. So, if you got a black son, shit, you gotta just punch him in the face. So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it’s like, “Morning, n i g g a. Pow.” If you don’t punch your black son in the face, that’s child abuse. It’s rough out there for a black boy, man. It’s rough! That’s right. Some people say young black men are an endangered species. But, that’s not true. Because endangered species are protected by the government. [applause and cheers] [high-pitched] True. That’s right, you got to punch your black son in the fucking face. You understand me? Hard. Yeah, I said it. On Netflix, I said that shit. You understand? It’s important that your black son follow your instructions. It’s the difference between life and death, ok? Ok? Yeah. Yeah, ’cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man. We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence. Only in America. We gotta change this justice system, yo. The American justice system should be like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. It’s like, “Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” So, I’m at the school. I’m at the school. And, the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t– We don’t– We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. It’s like, “What kind of half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid, you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need, quick. That’s right. I mean, one of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are. These souped up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they special. Maybe they special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Everyday before my kids leave to school, I get them at the door. I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute. Nobody thinks you’re smart. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. [clapping and laughing] Nobody! And even some of the people inside the house… [laughter] …a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half. Bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying ’cause your boss didn’t say hi? You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker. Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch. Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker. I’m gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate. Gate motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zucker-fuck. Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother. Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck. Suck my nuts-er, Zucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother. Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit, pressure makes diamonds. Not hugs. That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs. I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit, that’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies. A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. [applause and cheers] Shit. The cast of The Apprentice is running the world. Trump, the daughter, Omarosa. They run the world, man. Yo, man, this shit is crazy. A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”. You know, some people never get theirs. Some people just fail up. People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around.” No, it don’t. Sometimes it just keeps going around. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man. Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump. Here’s the crazy thing. It might just work out. Trump might work out. -Yeah, I said it. -[laughing] Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way. Bush was so bad… he gave us Obama. You forget that shit, don’t you? Bush was so bad that people said, “Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers.” I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history. George Bush is a black revolutionary. Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush. They need to honor him at the Essence Festival. It might work out, man. Think about it. Bush was so bad he gave us Obama. Shit, Trump’s so bad… he gonna give us Jesus. “Jesus, what you doing here?” “You seen Trump?” This shit is serious. Oh, man. Jesus. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion is kinda like salt. A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. [laughter, scattered clapping] But, God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting court side at a Knick game…. getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and… God shows up. “She strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you in jail for murder, and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Ok, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now somebody is killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you in jail for parking tickets, and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like, “I should’ve moved that car.” -[laughter] -[scattered claps] “What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” Trying to find God before God finds me. You know, lotta religion in the news, man. You ever watch the news, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God. No, they extremely… believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday. At 2:30, I got tickets. Fantasia is opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God. And occasionally blow shit up. Which is really odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So, if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would he need your help? What is that shit? And… It… I’m sorry. [applause] Helping God? And it’s never nobody smart helping God out. It’s never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson. It’s always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago. It’s like, “What the fuck? Wasn’t you loading trucks two weeks ago? Now you’re helping out God? That is some promotion.” What the fuck is going on? I mean, here’s the thing. I think… the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. If you really had faith you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now that’s believing in God. [laugher and applause] Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion… follows one basic premise. One basic idea that every religion follows. And that… And that premise is, God doesn’t make mistakes. Every religion believes that. Every one. “God, does not make… mistakes. I said, God… does not [high-pitched] make… mistakes. Ok, God don’t make no mistakes? That’s– That’s… Ok. That’s… That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? God rested. Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task? It was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No, that has never fucking happened to you. What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” [laughter and applause] God doesn’t make mistakes. Hush your mouth. God make plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it. Can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake. What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. You think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake. You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake. M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi’s like? You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van? That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. And you’re looking out the window, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God! Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. See, people looking like they never saw a car before. Wheel. Wheel. Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice.” “It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like… “That baby wasn’t really dead, right?” “I can’t wait to jet ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh… [mutters] You know. Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no. Don’t… [sparse claps] No. Don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now. I’m talking– I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right. At the show. Right now. That’s right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options. Some of ya’ll been in relationships so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. Ok. You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing. Ok? People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person’s working on it. That’s right. Two people could move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok? I’m trying to fucking help you, ok? Ok, first rule. Rule one. Stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, ok? Number two. Number two, ok? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You’re in the service industry, ok? That’s right. When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like… ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right. You in a band. It’s like Hall and Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gots to fuck. People are like, “When we got together, it was so much fun, but then problems arose.” No they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. You knew she couldn’t cook. But she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gots to fuck. You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you’re in. You gotta keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy  dick. You gotta do what you gotta do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “Can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? [laughter] No, man. You gots to fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. Married for 16 years. Yeah. That’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone. Which means my 16 years, is actually longer than my parents’ 40. That’s right. In 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years. Ok? My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and come home at 8:30 at night. And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact at all. None. Ok? That’s what a relationship used to be. The kids could’ve been dead. And he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “Baby, the kids are dead.” “What time they die?” “About eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.” Yes, that’s right. You know what else? They actually missed each other. They missed each other. You know you can’t miss nobody in 2017. Not really. You can say it. But you don’t really miss a motherfucker. ‘Cause you with them all the time. They in your fucking pocket. Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text. You get a ping. You get a beep. You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something. You know, a FaceTime. And then later on your woman goes, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” Like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I know everything you did today. And I know how people felt about it. I gave you five likes, bitch. I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I’ll just… I was fucked up. You know? I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right? I was addicted to porn. You know. And, you know. You know. I was 15 minutes late, everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and… verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You gotta mix it up. Choke-out Thursdays. And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know? It’s like, when you start watching porn, it’s like, any porn will do. It’s like, “Ah, they’re naked! Ooh-hoo!” Then later on, now you’re all fucked up. And you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, no? I was so fucked up. Like, I’d need an Asian girl, with a black girl’s ass… that speaks Spanish. Just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies… that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her. Or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys that think they with they wife right now. But no, n i g g a, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you. She with me. Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing… the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right. That’s right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got the working bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. No, a housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause the housewife has convinced the husband… that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house. Think it’s they house too. No. She took that house years ago. And the kids were in on it. That’s right. That’s right, the housewife’s a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. It’s like, “Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, ok? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken. And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house.” Ha-ha! That’s right, fellas. You don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok? And fellas, here’s the test, right now. If you really think… you own a house, this the test. Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home, I want you to try…. I want you to try…. Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try… to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” [tsks] “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral. She’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight. Another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t gotta really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him.” “I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her, and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours.” “Bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah. I’m serious. I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road. You know, I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s, like, fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat… it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out. And now she’s new. She’s never the same again. So, now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know? You got bad fucking new, man. And I know every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? You? I thought you was alright. You? Come on, Chris. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” [laughter] “That’s it? Just three? God damn, n i g g a. I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that. Three? You must’ve really loved your wife. You a romantic.” Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. Had to go through a custody fight for my kids. Just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court. And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court. Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer. And he keeps his robe on all day. And writes “Judge” on the back. Just in case somebody thinks it’s a n i g g a with a cape. “Is that a n i g g a with a cape?” “Nope, just a judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know? So, I bought a house around the corner. Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. Like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, ok? But, it wasn’t enough, man. I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures… of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What… What… You think I got a manger? What? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Ok, showed him the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside… to make sure the children have enough to eat.” And I’m like… “What have you heard about me?” [laughter] “I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody. It’s fucking beautiful, ok? Got my kids, man. I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man. That shit was, like, humiliating, man. Trying to… prove your parenthood, man. So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship. But, after you go through that shit, like, “Am I gonna lose my kids? It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids.” And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house, but we gonna top that shit.” Every motherfucking time, ok? Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story. They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” Ya’ll think I’m bullshitting. Check my Instagram, alright? And the crazy thing is… So, after you get through the custody thing, then you gotta divide the money. That’s some fucking scary shit, man. And whoever, whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person. So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you. It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me. I’m gonna be at Burger King… at 10:38, ok? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So.. I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around. And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. The judge. The bailiff. The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town.” Just here. And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room is far more educated than me. Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok. Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. [laughter] It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me.” And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits. They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And, at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. And after that, I was like, “Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it. I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I brought this shit on myself. You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness… that you have to accept… when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like… The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok? When you get older, one thing I learned… only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved… under the condition that he provides something. Ok? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand. Can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right, fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What’s she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do?” “What the fuck does that n i g g a do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, n i g g a?” “How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” I remember, right when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let me say whats up.” Right? And I’m like, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. Ah, man. I’m retired. I am, uh… This cheat shit. I’m done. I’m done. You get to a certain age. You go, you lost… Shit. You lose enough shit. It’s like, “Fuck this.” I am done cheating. I’m… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right, I ain’t cheating at all, you know. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know… It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time, man. You know, I date some girls my age. And some a little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out yo house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where you going? It’s yo place.” And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man. And I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God. Young girls like to get on top. Always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” You can’t get no 45 year-old-woman to get on top. She’s like, “N i g g a, you lucky I’m laying like this.” “I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now, under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you ’cause you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put? ‘Cedric the Entertainer’?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt-naked, holding a microphone, and a tambourine. Hey, I’m out of here. Ya’ll take care. Thank you. [“Tambourine” playing] ♪ Oh, my God, here you are ♪ ♪ Prettiest thing in life I’ve ever seen ♪ [whistling] ♪ Mm-hmm ♪ ♪ Close my eyes, what’s it like? ♪ ♪ What’s it like inside your tambourine? ♪ ♪ Oh, my God, there I go ♪ ♪ Falling in love With a face in a magazine ♪ ♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪ [whistling] ♪ All alone, by myself ♪ ♪ Me and I, play my tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine ♪ ♪ Tambourine ♪ ♪ The tambourine ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ARI SHAFFIR: DOUBLE NEGATIVE (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ari-shaffir-double-negative-transcript/

Shaffir’s Double Negative collection includes a 44-minute set called Children, followed by a 47-minute called Adulthood; both filmed on the same night at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. Shaffir took only a brief intermission to change his wardrobe and the lighting, keeping the same crowd in the house. Children [♪♪♪] [audience cheering] Thank you, everybody. [chuckles] Thank you very much. Hell yeah. My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date. Right? Yes. That’s what I’m talking about. Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? That’s the future, everybody. Remember when you were little, you thought about the future? What it was gonna look like. You were wrong. [audience laughs] We were all wrong. I thought it was gonna look like Star Trek. Not the space travel, but everything else. Everything would be clean, all the people would be smart and classy. [chuckles] Nope. You know why? I figured it out. White trash goes to the future, too. And they’re getting pregnant off phone apps. [all chuckling] Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? Also, who gets pregnant at all, by the way? Enough, you guys. Enough. It’s unoriginal. Children are garbage. [audience chuckles] If you have a kid, obviously, obviously, I mean your kid, too. They’re all garbage. You know it. You know they are. You’ve seen them at their worst. You know they are. Ever see a kid run around, and then be out of breath, and then try to drink water? They have no idea how to do it. Watch them next time. Watch them fail completely. They come in like: [panting] [imitates drinking] [gasping] [imitates drinking] It’s like, “Dude, you’re 15, bro. Fuck is wrong with you? You breathe in through the nose, idiot.” And they’re bipolar, they scream over nothing. I was on a plane to Tampa, Florida like a month ago. And, uh, I was gonna sleep the whole way, right? Then a fucking 2-year-old sat right in front of me. “Motherfucker.” Nobody’s happy about that. Nobody, when you see a 2-year-old is like, “Yeah.” It’s always, “Goddamn it.” [audience laughs] Yeah, it’s gonna ruin my trip. Not this kid. Not this kid. He was an angel, a little fucking angel. Slept the whole way. Couldn’t believe it. And then we landed. The mom woke him up, you know. “Casper. Casper.” That was his name. White kid. Obviously, a white kid. [audience chuckles] Clearly, it’s a white kid. “Casper, honey, wake up.” Then Casper gets up and goes: “Ah! Ah! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to go!” It’s like, “Dude, Casper, we’re here. It’s a good thing. Do you hate Tampa?” [audience chuckles] I’m ten minutes away from getting a vasectomy. I swear to God. I think about it all the time. If they were easier to get, I’d have gotten one. If they had vasectomies at 7-Eleven, I’d have gotten, like, five. My friends don’t want me to. “Don’t get a vasectomy. You crazy? What if you want to have kids someday?” And I’m like, “What day?” When is this day coming? I’ve hated children since I was 5. Whatever, if I get a vasectomy, and I change my mind, and I want to have kids, I can just adopt a kid. I don’t see why nobody thinks that’s an option. What’s wrong with adoption? Why build a new team for the draft when there’s quality free agents waiting to get picked up? [audience laughs] [chuckles] You know? I know some people are super against adoption. Know somebody like that? “No fucking way. No way.” My one buddy is like that. “Any kid for me must come from my genes. A hundred percent, no matter what, must come from my genes.” I’m like, “What are you, a king? What are you talking about?” This ain’t Game of Thrones, idiot. Just care for something. Plus, hold on. Your genes? Your father abandoned your family. You dropped out of college. And you’re short, and you’re bald. You have horrible genes. If you care about genes so much, end the bloodline right now. You ain’t a doctor. You won’t be missed. Nothing wrong with adoption. With adoption, you can shop before you buy. [audience laughs] That’s just smart, no? Huh? Let’s say I had a biological kid. You had a biological kid. And let’s say for argument’s sake that he came out with big fucking buck teeth. Like two times the size of regular… Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth. You know, that’s not a deal breaker. Nobody in the world is gonna be like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” You’d have to be a monster. At the same time, nobody dreams about it. Nobody’s like, “When I have a kid, I’ll teach him how to eat pizza from the ground up to get around those.” If there’s a high wind, I’ve got to hold his shoulder or he’ll fly away. Family pictures you’re like, “Smile with your mouth closed. We talked about this. Fucking buck-tooth motherfucker. Ruining my goddamn dreams.” [audience member clapping] You don’t got to worry about it with an adopted kid. With an adopted kid, you just go into the human pound, you know. You look around. All the kids come to the front of their cages, I guess. Pick me. Pick me. Please. [mouthing] Please, please, please. Please, please, please. [in normal voice] You’re like, “Kids, you’re too needy. Let me come to you.” And you see one shy kid way in the back, you know. You look up, he looks up at you. “That might be him. That might be my boy.” And you go over there all nervous. “Hey, buddy. What’s your name?” And he’s like, “Peter.” “Hey, Peter. I’m Ari.” “So?” [audience laughs] “You want to go home today?” “I don’t know, maybe. What the fuck?” [audience chuckles] “I think I like you. I think you’re gonna be my son.” – He’s like, “Yeah, that’d be cool.” – [audience laughs] “All right. Are you happy about that?” “Yeah. Yeah.” “Like, can you show me that you’re happy?” “What do you want?” “I don’t know, smile or something.” “I don’t want to.” “Why? It feels good to smile. Everyone likes to smile. It works out more muscles in your mouth.” And he’s like, “Okay.” “No! Fucking buck teeth. Nice try, motherfucker. You ain’t ever getting out of here.” [audience chuckling] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She was in between two different kinds of birth control. So, they used a condom but the condom broke. And they got the morning after pill the next day. The Plan B pill, and it didn’t take. It doesn’t always work. I know. Yeah, when you hear that out loud, you realize, like, she’s definitely… a liar. There’s no way. There’s no way. Any one of those things should have killed that baby. There’s no way all four didn’t do it. Is that sperm breaking tackles like he’s Emmitt Smith in his prime? Nobody believes that. And who’s breaking condoms, by the way? If you’re breaking condoms, you’re fucking wrong. You’re not 17 anymore. How are you…? Are you just like: [grunting] “Fuck. I broke another one.” “I know. Slow down.” Why are you drilling? There’s no oil down there, bro. Fucking kiss once in a while or something. They’re not supposed to break. One time when I was little, I was 7, 8 years old, uh, I found a condom, unused. And, uh… I didn’t know what to do with it, a 7-year-old. I was still ten years away from using condoms. And, like, 15 years away from no longer using condoms. Condoms suck. Condoms suck. You girls have no idea how shitty they are. Female privilege. Never worn a condom. That’s female privilege. Nobody ever talks about that. Here’s what condoms feel like, so you know. A condom feels like you’re getting a massage while wearing a winter coat. [audience laughs] Where you’re like, “I get what you’re going for. It doesn’t feel unpleasant, but some skin to skin contact would help this a long way.” I found this condom. I didn’t know what to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old. What are you gonna do? I made a water balloon out of it. That’s what kids do. I made it big, too. I made it that big. I tested the strength of this condom. It was shaking when I wasn’t touching it. That’s how fucking full it was. It was shaped like this: [audience laughs] It was sitting on my porch with the molecules almost breaking through. “What am I gonna do with it? It’s my masterpiece.” At the time, it was the best thing I’d ever done in my life. “What am I gonna do?” I saw my buddy coming around the corner. I was like, “Oh, I’m gonna bean this motherfucker.” That’s what this condom water balloon was put on the Earth for. To soak my buddy Aaron. I picked it up, right? He didn’t see me. He came around the corner. I just hucked it at him as hard as I could. It just bounced off of him, fell down. Bounced away. Didn’t even break. How are you breaking it with love thrusts? [audience laughs] You’re fucking wrong. That’s how you got pregnant off a Tinder date. I don’t know, man. You got kids? You don’t? What’d you do, pull out? Most effective method of birth control, right there. It’s not a condom, 100 percent effective, pulling out. Yeah, people don’t believe me. Pulling out is 100 percent effective. It has never failed in 5000 years. A hundred percent. You know what’s less effective than pulling out? Barely pulling out. [audience chuckles] That is considerably less effective. If you pull out, and the first look on your face is like: Don’t besmirch the good name of pulling out with shitty barely pulling out methods. You should have to at least touch your dick for a second before you cum. You shouldn’t pull out and go, “Blah. There it is.” You should have to do something to it. Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. How do you explain that? How will she explain that to her kid when he’s old enough? When he’s like, “Mommy, where did I come from?” What’s she gonna say? She’ll be like, “Well, Tinderthy… [audience laughs] [chuckles] one day, Mommy went to the App Store. And then spent all afternoon just going: ‘No, no, no. Good enough.’ And that’s the story of you.” I wouldn’t have a problem with kids if parents didn’t bring them around too much. That’s my biggest issue. I shouldn’t see them all the time, you know? Most parents are cool about it, but some just are not. I went to Bonnaroo this year. You guys ever go to Bonnaroo? Yeah. It’s great, right? A giant music festival in Tennessee. Four days of camping and music. So much fun. So much fun. But sometimes parents are there now, and they bring their fucking kids. There are 3- and 4-year-old children running around Bonnaroo. And I want to be like, “Hey. We’re doing drugs. [audience laughs] Okay? And on acid, your child is frightening. He’s looking into my soul, and I don’t care for what he sees. He is a demon, and I will kill it. I will kill the demon to protect everyone else in this music festival. Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna be all right. I’m gonna kill that demon.” There are places you don’t bring your kid, a nice restaurant. You ever go to a nice restaurant? Save up 80 bucks per meal. Go on a nice date. Wear a button down shirt. Try to get laid. Earn it. You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs. Tonight’s the night. Find the right place. Places where as soon as you sit down, they put your napkin on your lap for you. Those places where you’re like, “That’s slave shit. Why are you doing that? There’s no reason for that.” I’ve never seen a Yelp review, “I sat there like a schmuck, my napkin on my table, like an asshole for like 40 minutes.” But it’s nice. It’s date night. You’ll take it. It’s a good atmosphere. And you sit down all happy, you find the right place. Two tables over, you just hear: [yelling] “No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” Some fucking little kid. Some little baby sitting there in one of those handicapped chairs they sit in. [audience chuckles] Highchair, whatever you call it. I don’t care what you call it. We don’t sit in those. We’re not handicapped like that. I’m like, “Why is he here? For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste. He’s not even making memories.” Plus, his palate’s not refined enough. He doesn’t understand the nuance of this chef-inspired masterpiece. He’d be happier… I guarantee you, he’d be happier with a banana I smushed with my foot. [audience laughing] He could see me do it, and he would just go: Ah. He’d go, “Babana?” I’m like, “That’s right, buddy. Babana.” He’d rub a bunch of it in his face, and get a bit in his mouth. And be cute as fuck. Kids are cute. They’re cute. I’ll give you that, if you have kids. You got kids? You look like you do. You don’t have kids? How old are you? – [man] Thirty. – Whoa, you look horrible for 30. [audience laughs] I thought you were like 57, man. That’s crazy. It’s the gray hair on the sides. Damn. They’re cute sometimes, kids. And then they’re instantly not cute. Ever see them run around playing, having a good time, then shit their pants. They just shit themselves. Everyone has to act like that’s normal. It’s not. The smell is of shit. I don’t care how young they are, that shit smell is still a shit smell. The problem is when they shit themselves, they have no gravity to them. They don’t like feel it at all. They’re like: [giggles] [giggles] It’s like… Right? It’s gonna come out of your pants, man. Don’t get me wrong. I shit myself. I drink. Obviously, I shit myself. But I do it every two years, you know. And when I do it, it registers as having shit myself. I don’t just keep going. I tell my friends: “I think I left the oven on or something. I’ve got to go check that out. Sorry, you guys. I don’t mean to cancel our plans.” I shit myself this year, to be honest. Yeah. When I say every two years, I mean a maximum of two years goes by. I don’t mean an average. I mean the most that has ever gone by is two years. [chuckles] Yeah, it was in April. For sure, I know when it was. ‘Cause I was on a flight. I was going to Australia. I shit… Yeah, is there a good time to shit yourself? Are you ever like, “Wish I could shit myself and get it out of the way.” Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight. I was six hours into it, and, uh, I went to pee. You ever pee and then fart a little? That’s normal. Everybody does that. Do girls do that? No? Oh… You’re missing out. You’ve got to do that. With girls, it’s even better because you clog it up. So, like, it would make like that tuba sound. You could like move your leg and… Kind of like Miles Davis with the with the cup, you know, and the tuba. You’d be like… [imitating tuba playing] You know? So, I was doing that, I was peeing and farting. Then all of a sudden I was like, “Whoop. Oop.” [audience chuckles] But I was like, “No, no, it was just a bubble.” I didn’t want to believe it. And then I went back to my seat. I was sitting by the window, so I had to make people get up. “Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Stand up. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.” Then I sat down. As soon as I sat down I was like, “Ahh. That’s a problem.” The smush happened. Once the smush happens, you can really feel it. Yeah, I was like, “Fuck. Get back up. Get back up. We’re not done. Get back up. I thought I was done. I’m not done. Sorry. Get back up. Get back up.” I had to run to the bathroom. Fucking streaker right down the middle of my underwear. Yeah. It was about that wide and about that long. It looked like a map of the country of Chile. [audience laughs] Like a topographical map of Chile. With the mountain ranges and everything. I caught it. It didn’t soak through. But the underwear, the underwear could not be saved. I had to throw out my underwear in the trash can of the airplane bathroom. Yeah, I took care of it myself, like a grownup. I handled the situation. Maybe if I was in first class, I could have been like: “Hey, peasant. Fucking deal with this for me.” But not in coach. You have to handle it yourself. You know what it’s like to have to smush that underwear into that little fucking hole in the airplane bathroom trash can? I was about to leave the bathroom. Then I was like: “Wait, hold on.” Right before I left, I took paper towels. I put them on top of the underwear in the trash, just to cover it up a bit. I didn’t want the next guy coming. I know what I would do. If I threw something out, and I saw soiled underwear in the top level of the trash, my first thought would be… “Who did I just pass?” [audience laughs] I would spend the next seven hours just going up and down the aisles, just trying to, like, jog my memory. Until I’m like, “Ah, ha, ha! You did it. I know. I know what you did.” [cackles] Yeah, you got to cover it up. It’s like if you kill a kid in the woods, you’ve got to kick leaves on top of him. [audience chuckles] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She told the guy, too. She wasn’t going to. That was her plan. She was gonna do it by herself. She was like, “I barely know his last name.” Which seems fair. Then she had a change of heart after eight months. Yeah, eight months and a week. She goes, “Ari, he has a right to know.” And I’m like, “Yeah, a long time ago.” [audience laughs] I feel like now he has the right to never know. So, she told him. She met him in a park. This is what she said, her official quote. She said he got “kind of weird about it.” Oh, yeah? Did he? Did he get a little bit weird? He got a little weird when he found out he’s gonna be a father next Tuesday? [audience laughs] He wasn’t chillaxed at that news? How did you want him to handle it? From the guy’s point of view, what a gigantic change from what you expect out of that phone call… to what you end up with out of that meeting. If I get a call from a woman I haven’t seen in months, my very first thought, same as any guy in here, our very first thought is like, “Well, she wants that D. [audience laughs] I guess it’s better than I thought it was. I must have good dick. She must have been thinking about it this whole time. She probably can’t concentrate at church, or at work, around her friends. She just keeps thinking about that dick, that dick, that dick. Yeah, it’s addictive, man. I get it.” Her friends are like, “Where’d you go? You disappeared.” “Yeah. Thinking about that D.” Eventually, couldn’t take it anymore. You know, she got weak. She fell to the hunger. [audience laughs] She broke down. She called. And you know what? She’s gonna get that D. That’s my mindset, if I walked into the park thinking that, I’m all happy, you know? And then I saw that? I would do a quick check of the seasons. I’d be… [laughs] No. Fucking… Game over. How’s that for not weird? Enjoy picking up my brain matter. Some people should have kids. I shit on kids too much, parenthood. Some people should have children. Here’s how you tell. I’ve come up with a way to tell whether you should be a parent. The reaction of your friends when you tell them you’re gonna have a kid. That’s how you know whether or not you should do it. You know? ‘Cause there are two polar opposite ways that can happen. Say you’re married, on one side, you’re married. You’ve been with a woman for a while. You’re doing better financially. You discuss, want to have a kid. You try. You get pregnant, tell your friends, “Samantha’s pregnant.” Your friends are like: “Fuck yeah, man. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you. That’s so cool.” That’s one side. [audience laughs] If that’s you, go for it. You’ve got my blessing. The other half of your friends, they’ve been dating someone for a while. They tell their friends, “Hey, Margaret’s pregnant.” And everybody goes, “Fuck. Oh, no. What are you gonna do? Have you thought about killing her? Don’t do it. I watch those cop shows. DNA is too good now, man. One hair. One hair, they’ll get you. Hire somebody if you’ve got to do it.” For those people, for the people getting pregnant off Tinder dates, abortion is not just a right, it’s a responsibility. [audience chuckling] They don’t always do it though. My friend Luis Gomez is one of those. Comedian in New York. Got his girlfriend pregnant. Dating for two months. I was like, “What are you gonna do?” By the way, nobody asks a married couple, “What are you gonna do?” [audience chuckles] That is never a question posed to a married couple. I was going, “What are you gonna do?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’ve thought about running away. [audience laughs] But I don’t have money for gas, so I guess we’re gonna move in together.” Fuck. There’s no in between on run away… or move in together? Seems like a giant unexplored territory in the middle there. He’s like, “What do you mean?” “How many months pregnant?” He was like, “Two.” I’m like, “Well, then you still have the receipt.” [audience laughing] “For a small restocking fee, you can return this.” [audience laughing] “What are you talking about?” “I’m talking abortion. I mean abortion.” He had the kid. By the way, here’s a tip for you guys for life. If you tell your friends to get an abortion, advise them to get an abortion, and then they do not get an abortion… they won’t forget that you told them to get an abortion. Yeah, they hold onto that real hard. Every time I see Luis and his kid at a barbecue, he’s like holding him, and I come in. He goes: “Oh, there’s your Uncle Ari. He told us to get rid of you.” “Dude, stop saying that. It was funny for a year, but he’s 7 now. He’s mad at me. He’s giving me this sign every time I see him. Stop.” [audience chuckling] Hey, do you guys…? Let me ask you a question. You guys all have jobs, right? Or you’ve had jobs in the past at least? Ever do your job on autopilot? Not thinking about it? Just going through the motions? You know, then if you’re in a good mood, you sing, or hum, or whistle? Whistle while you work, that’s a thing. Everybody does that. Whistle while you work. [audience member whistles] Yeah. Very good, you know what a whistle is. [audience chuckles] Do you think…? Do you think abortion doctors whistle while they work? [audience laughing] I think they must. Not every day. Obviously, not every day. But I mean like Friday, 4:30. They must be like: ♪ Everybody’s working for the weekend ♪ ♪ Everybody’s got to… ♪ Is that how abortions are done? I don’t know. I’ve never seen one. I have waited in the car before, but I’ve never been in there. I assume you reach in and grab the fetus, then basketball shot it into a trash can. If you miss, a nurse kicks it out for three. “Curry, downtown.” No? Is that not how it’s done? All right. At this point I would like to say thank you for all the women in here, especially the moms, for not turning on me horribly. ‘Cause, yeah, when I lose a crowd, it’s always moms. Women who are like, “Fuck you. I hope you never have a kid.” “I know. Me, too. We’re on the same page.” So, thank you, women, for holding it together. Women get a bad rap sometimes. Not all the time. Not all the time, but sometimes. “Women are crazy.” You ever hear that? Hear it all the time, I don’t think so. I read this article online about women’s hormones. This is what it said. Women, in your brains, you have 40 percent more hormones than men have. Forty percent more. Yeah. And that’s not period time. That’s non-period time. I don’t know what happens during the period. All hell breaks loose. Not talking that. We’re talking three and a half weeks a month. Whatever men have, our top level, women, 40 percent on top of that. Just: [imitates gunfire] Just shit popping off in there that men have no concept of whatsoever. Our thing is here, and you’ve got, “Pew, pew. Feelings, feelings, emotions. Pew.” Men call you crazy. ‘Cause what? ‘Cause why? ‘Cause once every two weeks, you go, “Fuck you,” out of nowhere? [audience chuckles] With 40 percent more, those are great odds. With 40 percent more, minimum three days a week, we should wake up with you over us with scissors just going, “Not today.” And just fucking bounding off. So, congratulations, women, on being shockingly un-crazy. I know men who if they get less than six hours of sleep, and you cut them off in traffic, they’ll follow you to where you work and threaten your life. I’ll take a “fuck you” once in a while. It’s okay. My brother’s one of those guys who brings his kid everywhere. So disappointing when you realize that your family is capable of that. My brother lives in Europe now. ‘Cause he didn’t know “taxes” applied to him. That’s what he said. [chuckles] “Those are for everybody?” “Yeah, man. Those are for everybody.” So, he just never paid them. He owes like $200,000 to the government. Yeah, it got out of control. Eventually he was like, “I’m sorry. I’ll just leave.” [audience chuckles] I feel bad staying with you when I owe you all this money, so I’m gonna get out of here. You’re never gonna see that fucking money, so I’m gonna get out.” He lives in Europe. It turns out Europe is almost the same as America. Basically no difference anymore. They have everything we have. Little differences. There are little differences. He said you’ve got to type in PornHub.uk. [audience chuckles] But you cope, you learn to cope. It’s just different porn. [in British accent] “Stick it in me arse.” [audience chuckles] [in normal voice] Is that a pirate? What did I just do? What accent was that? Was that England? I was trying to do England. I don’t think I got it. I was gonna be in Denmark for some comedy festival. They flew me to Denmark which is pretty cool. My brother called, “While you’re in Europe, let’s do something.” “Sure. What do you want to do?” Looked at his calendar, Oktoberfest was right then. “You want to go to Oktoberfest?” I was like, “Fuck yeah.” Two Jews sneaking back into Germany? Let’s take back the night. You know, let’s piss on Hitler’s grave. Yeah. But he goes, “I don’t think they have a Hitler’s grave.” I’m just gonna piss everywhere, and if I hit it, I hit it. [audience laughs] I did, too. I pissed everywhere in Germany. I pissed outside like 25 times. All the time. You can’t get in trouble. If you’re a Jew, you can’t get in trouble for little shit like that. You’ve got to do something really wrong. Got to steal a car or worse. They’ll let you go for little stuff. ‘Cause of what happened before. [audience laughs] They still feel guilty about it, I guess. If you don’t know, it was like a disagreement we had. [audience laughs] We lost. I mean, obviously, we lost. But they way overreacted, so… All right, no more Holocaust jokes. So, anyway, so I took the train into Germany, right? That’s a change. Last one. That was it, you guys. That’s it. No more. No more. Come on. You can’t laugh at shit like that. That’s not cool. It’s not cool. And my brother met me, took his car. We met at the train station. We’re both jumping, “Shaffir boys, we’re doing this. Oktoberfest.” So excited. And then his back door opens up. And you just hear, “Ahh! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” He brought his 4-year-old kid to Oktoberfest. I was like, “Are you kidding me right now?” “Did you not want me to bring him?” “Yes. You read my tone correctly. I did not want you to bring him.” He said what parents say when they know they fucked up. “Well, you should have said something. If you didn’t want me to bring him, should’ve said something.” “Why would I have to tell you that? I don’t have to tell you that. I didn’t tell you not to bring anthrax. You knew that on your own. I shouldn’t have to tell you not to bring a kid to a beer festival. He’s like, “Why?” He got indignant. That’s what parents do. “Why shouldn’t he be here right now?” I’m like, “Uh, because I plan on getting really drunk. And I question his tolerance. [audience laughs] The way I see it, he’ll be the first one to barf every night. He just barfed. He already barfed for no reason. So, how is that gonna be?” He tried to sell me on him. “Ari, come on. He’s really smart for his age.” All right, but he’s really stupid for my age. [audience chuckles] And I’m not at his kindergarten, he’s at my beer festival. [audience laughing] For me, he’s illiterate. That’s not smart. I’m sorry. You’re not gonna sell me on an illiterate person being smart. Pregnant off a Tinder date. Anybody here not know what Tinder is? You all know. Or no one’s gonna say? My grandmother, she asked me: “What’s a Tinder?” And I’m like, “It’s not ‘a’ anything.” How do you explain to a 94-year-old woman what Tinder is? She goes, “I don’t know anything.” And I was like, “All right, well…” Uh… [chuckles] I was like, “There was once a great man named Steve Jobs. [audience laughs] And he took the power of computers, and he put it in everybody’s hands. At all times, we had access to information, right in the palm of our hands. It was an amazing time in human development. Truly, it really was. And then within seven years, we were using that to fuck.” [audience laughs] Yeah. Gay people figured it out in two years. [audience laughs] They were way ahead of the curve. “All gay scientists, put down what you’re doing. Figure this out. We don’t need to transfer information. Fucking, let’s fuck.” And then my friend got pregnant off one of those. They bother me too much, parents. Sometimes the problem is the videos. The iPhone 6 and 7 now. Makes everyone think they’re a videographer. They’re not. They have shitty videos. Not the quality. The quality’s amazing. The subject matter is the issue. They think everything they record is worthy of showing people. But there’s a delete button there. Use that delete button. Every time my sisters and brothers show me videos, any of my friends, “Look at a video of my kid.” I feel like I’m Dexter, and I have to fake the emotion, of what a normal person with feelings would do in that situation. I’m always like, “Cute? How do you do this?” [audience laughs] It’s just the dumbest. “He’s walking.” “Yeah, well, they all do that. That’s not… ” I can go on YouTube now, see a video of a 5-year-old hitting a golf ball 215 yards. You’re showing me walking? Fuck you. Your child is unimpressive.” “Look, he said ‘Dada.'” “Well, that’s not the right way to say that word. Congratulations. You videotaped a mistake. I’m sure he’ll be very embarrassed.” They’re just annoying. Like you ever see this? Who’s got kids here? How many people have kids here? A few of you. How old are your kids? – [woman] Five. – Five. Five years old. One. – You stopped after that? – [woman] Yeah. Okay, good for you. Not chasing the dragon like a lot of people. “Maybe that eighth one will be good.” [audience laughs] Does your kid ever do this where they’re playing? They’re on the ground playing, having a good time. They fall. Like, “No big deal.” They get up and keep playing. But if anybody’s watching, they’re like, “Oh, you saw that? Okay, it’s gonna get really bad for you right now. But I just want you to know, you did this to yourself.” They start crying. But don’t really cry ’cause they’re not really hurt. They do their impression of what they remember a cry sounds like. From memory. They’re not good. They’re not actors, never took classes. They don’t know how to do it. They fall and go… [moaning] “Dude, you’re doing ghost. You’re not doing crying.” They’re not upset. They think they can get upset. So, they try to make themselves get upset. They’re like feminist bloggers. [audience laughing] Nobody feels less joy than a feminist blogger. Like, “Fuck you. I hate you. You suck.” “Why are you so upset? It’s a nice day out.” “Shut up, man. Don’t tell me how to feel.” [audience laughing] Parents don’t wake up the same way non-parents wake up. I think I’d be okay with it, too, if parents gave me an honest account… of what parenthood was like. A lot of parents say, “It’s a beautiful blessing every second of every day. It’s always a beautiful blessing, every single second.” I’m like, “Every single second? Then why are the bags under your eyes twitching? They’re that low, and they’re fucking twitching. They’re about to pop.” My friend has kids. My friend Avi has two kids, 4 and 7. Here’s how he wakes up in the morning. How parents wake up. Okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off. He’s sleeping peacefully, right? The alarm goes off. As soon as it goes off. “Get up, move! Brush your teeth! Clothes. Food. Go. Move. Now! Go. Go. Go!” It’s fucking Afghanistan, and bombs are dropping every single day. You sleep with your boots on. How do you live like that? Not single people, man. That’s not how we wake up at all. No kids? Here’s how I wake up on a Sunday. First of all, no alarm clock. Just whenever it happens. [audience applauds] Whenever the fates shall deem it time. Yeah. You’re sleeping peacefully, right? After a while, you’re just kind of like… [audience laughing] Remember that, parents? Remember going back to bed? Remember those days? Remember that two-hour blink? [audience laughs] Where you look at your clock like, “9:30? Okay… 11:15? How did that just happen? Am I a time traveler? What just happened there? I don’t think I can… 12:45? What is happening right now? Can I take a…? 2:00, there it is.” Remember sleeping so much that you physically cannot sleep anymore? Where you’re laying there… You try. It doesn’t stop you from trying. But you lay there with your eyes closed for like 45 minutes. You’re like, “No, this is not going down. Doing everything in my power to make this happen. It’s not happening, so I may as well get up. The sun’s going down. I should probably get Vitamin D before I commit suicide.” This is one thing parents get me on. They’re like, “Well, don’t you get lonely? Don’t you get lonely without children?” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah. A deep, deep loneliness that you could never even ever experience. It’s a fucking vast emptiness that goes on for a millennium. It’s super lonely. Yeah. But then I call my friends, and I’m way less lonely. That helps.” There’s something to be said for having cute things around. You get it. It fills a void that your friends can’t fill. I have nieces and nephews. When they’re around, it fills that void, you know? It’s great to play with them and teach stuff. But I don’t live in the same city as them. When I’m not in their city, what do I do? I go to parks and play with randoms, but… [audience laughing] Parents frown on that. Parents are always like, “Get away from my child.” I’m like “I’m not a child molester.” But if you bring up child molestation, that’s all they think about. So, what do you do? How do single people fill that void? Dogs. That’s how we do it. You see any single person over 30 around a dog, they get weird. I love dogs. I’ll lick a dog in his mouth, you guys. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll give him tongue. If he’s good, he wants that tongue. If he’s a good boy, he’s getting that tongue. I’ll get in there like, “Are you a good boy? [grunting] You’re a good boy.” Yeah, owners look at me weird. “Aren’t you afraid of getting a disease?” And I’m like, “Yeah, depression.” [audience laughs] Please, let me have this. [audience cheers and applauds] So, Nicole had her baby. Yeah, the Tinder lady. She did not name it Tinderthy like I suggested. I suggested Tinderthy for a boy, and for a girl, I said Con-swipe-a. [audience laughing] For ethnic flavor, you know? A little bit. [gasping] Fucking garbage. [audience laughing] She had her baby. She said her life wasn’t gonna change. She was living in Brooklyn, New York. And now she lives in Arkansas. What city in Arkansas, did someone ask? Because there are some cool cities in Arkansas? No. Nobody asked. There’s no cool cities in Arkansas. You guys ever know anybody that definitely should get an abortion? You look at them and you’re like, “You’re the reason this is legal.” For this case right now is the only reason anyone’s allowed to do it. Sometimes they get an abortion, sometimes they don’t. What’s the reason they always give when they don’t get an abortion? When everyone in the world knows they should get an abortion. They’re like, “I know I should get an abortion, but I can’t because… ” – [man] Jesus. – Jesus. Yeah, God. It’s always Jesus. That’s what they point to. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” That’s what Nicole said. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” “But where was religion when you were fucking behind the Roxy nightclub?” [audience chuckles] I don’t understand. Was Jesus back there? Was Jesus slapping the condom off the guy? Going, “No, that’s an abomination. You can’t. No, that’s an abomination. You fuck raw dog behind this Dumpster or don’t fuck at all. So sayeth the Lord.” [audience laughing] It doesn’t work, by the way. Just so you know, logically. Religion doesn’t work as a reason. You don’t have to have an abortion. But you can’t point to religion as the reason not to. It doesn’t work. I’ve studied religion for a long time. Yeah. I used to be like… One of those. [audience laughing] Yeah. For this side over there, there you go. Yeah, so I know a lot about it. Here’s the deal why it doesn’t work. There’s only one way you go straight to heaven. Especially in Christianity. The only way you go straight to heaven, I mean, no purgatory, no hell, straight to heaven, the only way to do that is if you die without sin. And the only way to die without sin is if you get aborted before you get a chance to be born. So… if you love Jesus, and you love your baby… [audience laughing] you should send him to heaven. [audience cheering] I’m just trying to spread the gospel, you guys. That’s all I’m about here today. Thank you very much, everybody. That’s it for me. [audience cheering] You guys have been a phenomenal crowd. You guys are absolutely awesome. [♪♪♪] Adulthood Yes. You guys did it. All right. Very nice. We’re all living our lives, everybody. You get one, too. Here’s the deal. Before I start, let me say this. I will tell you, I was listening to a Biggie Smalls song recently. Yeah, I don’t… I don’t think it was a new one. And, um… Whatever happened to that guy? He got so lazy. The name of the song was called “Juicy.” You guys remember? It’s a good song. It starts… Like a lot of ’90s hip-hop, it starts the same way. It starts with a dedication in the beginning. He doesn’t start rapping right away. The beat comes in, before he starts rapping Biggie Smalls goes: “This song is dedicated to all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” All right. What school district did Biggie Smalls go to school in? Because that is a horrible teacher. Let’s forget about the double negative for a second and just get to the overall message. I can’t imagine a worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a… Well, outside of a Catholic school, outside of a Catholic school. I cannot imagine one worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a kid and just be like, “Hi, how are you? Oh, you’re so cute. Did you know… that you will never amount to nothing? All right, enjoy kindergarten. Life is meaningless.” That’s a bad teacher. That’s a really bad teacher. Here’s the problem, though. That was not the only teacher who said that to him. Yeah. If that was the only teacher who said it, Biggie Smalls would not have said: “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” He would’ve said, “To the teacher who told me I would never amount to nothing.” Or, “To Mrs. Johnson, this fucking bitch. Wait till you hear what she did to me.” He said “To all the… ” That means it wasn’t even two teachers. If it was two, he would’ve said “both.” He said, “all.” “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to… ” That means there were at least three different teachers… who went up to a young Biggie Smalls… just to be like, “Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Smalls, um… We’ve all been talking in the teacher’s lounge. And we just want you to know, you’re not gonna go anywhere in life.” Yeah, rude. He was probably pretty upset by that. He was probably like, “Why not?” And they were probably like, “Your grades are terrible. You’re only good at poetry. What are you gonna do with that?” Biggie Smalls didn’t listen to them. He ignored them. He was able to overcome it and become probably one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, he’s not here. Don’t worry about. Hmm. With that in mind… this set is dedicated… to the guidance counselors at the Hebrew Academy of Greater Washington… for always telling me to apply myself. Yeah, I also ignored them. And that’s why Ari’s not a lawyer. I was smart. When I was little, I was legitimately smart. I really was, I really was. And then I smoked pot, like, a couple times a day for 15 years, and, uh… And now I forgot to write the end of that joke. My friend told me… My friend broke up with his girlfriend. He told me he texted her like a week later. Texted her and told her that she needs to get tested for herpes. Yeah, and I was like, “Dude, that’s a phone call.” I know we live in a texting society, but there’s certain moments you gotta hear a voice. You know what I mean? You can’t get some texts. You can’t get a text that says, “Come identify this body.” You’ll be like, “New phone, who is this? I don’t have you in my contacts.” You know? There’s certain moments where a text won’t do. The STD call, that’s one of those times. I get it. It’s a hard phone call to make. I understand. I’ve been there. I’ve made that phone call. Yeah, it’s difficult. You gotta do it. You gotta keep calling exes until you’ve reached the head vampire. And then… And then you can stop calling. I hope you guys never have to make that call. I really do, I really do. But if you ever do, here’s my suggestion. Make a fun game out of it. Yeah, entertain yourself, ’cause they’re not gonna be entertained. So, someone may as well get some joy out of it. I called this woman. She was like: “Ari, what’s up? I haven’t talked to you in two weeks. How are you? I’m happy to hear from you.” And I was like, “Uh, don’t be so excited.” I was like, “I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news.” And she was like, “Oh, fun. Okay.” She was like, “What’s the good news?” I was like, “Well… the good news… is that… chlamydia… is one of the most easily curable diseases… that anyone could ever get.” And she was like, “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s good news.” She was like, “What’s… What’s the bad news?” And I was like, “Do you really not know what the bad news is? Think about it. You’ll get it. No, I mean, I talked to my doctor. You will get it. There’s no way around that. Get treated, not tested. For sure you have it.” Has anybody in here ever had chlamydia before? By a round of applause. One guy. A few of you. Of course, Texas. Wait, is it just one person? I raised my hand twice. All right, you’ve had it twice. “I raised my hand twice.” Well, you’re the expert, man. I guess. You’re the new expert. It’s curable, right? – Yeah. – Yeah, it goes away. It obviously goes away. – Shot in the ass. – Shot in the ass. Well, they gave me pills. You might still have chlamydia. I don’t know. But they gave me pills. Yeah, yeah, it’s different ways to take it, for sure. You’re all right. And then it goes away forever. Or until you fuck someone else with chlamydia. Then it’s right back. – You gave it to them back? – It was the same person. – You gave it to her and she gave it back? – Yeah. Wow, such a family. You guys should get married. What a lovely, romantic story that is. It’s antibiotics and it’s gone. Sometimes they’ll give pills. And if it’s pills, it’s either two days or four days or at maximum ten days of pills and then gone forever. It’s the “I’ll let you off with a warning” of STDs. Every patient whose doctor tells them they have chlamydia goes: “Yes, officer, I’ll never speed again. I apologize.” It could’ve been a lot worse. By the way, to catch you guys up, black people in here, when I say, “I’ll let you off with a warning,” that’s a white term. Uh… That’s, uh… something that happens once in a while when a cop pulls you over and instead of, uh, giving you a ticket or shooting you, they’ll be like, “Ah, get out of here.” It’s awesome. White privilege, you guys, it’s awesome. But at worst, ten days of pills, then gone. You can handle that, right? You could deal with that, too. Ten days of pills. You can say you lost your prescription, get double, put the rest in her drink. Never have to have that talk. Here’s what it means for humanity. Here’s what “ten days of pills, then gone” means for humanity. That means… if everyone in the world with chlamydia could just stop fucking for ten days… there would be no more chlamydia. But the people of Earth are like, “Well, we don’t accept those terms. That’s just too difficult. We’ll give you eight days and chance it. The best we can do for you.” Ever think you have something ’cause you had sex once in the last three months, you got one itch and you’re like: “Yeah, I’ve got everything that’s ever existed. What’s that itch about? What’s that itch if I don’t have everything? My dick’s gonna fall off.” Sucks. You self-diagnose. You ever do that? Where you’re like, “It’s this or this.” Never ask your guy friends, by the way. Never ask male friends for help on what it is. I was like, “I got this like… ” “AIDS, you have AIDS for sure.” “I haven’t told you the symptoms,” “I can look at you, AIDS-y. For sure you have AIDS.” One time… One time, I thought I had herpes. I was positive I did. It was like ten years ago. I mean, I was sure. It was… Okay, it ended up being a cut on my dick. I’ll tell you how I got it later, but… But I will tell you, if you Google-Image- Search the words “cut on your dick”… a lot of herpes pictures come up. So, I was positive I had it. I had to call this woman and be like, “Hey, uh… bad news, bad news. Yeah, you got the worst one.” And, uh, she was not happy about it. I went to a doctor to get tested and the doctor was like: “No, you don’t… You don’t have herpes.” And I was like, “Are you sure?” And he goes, “I mean, you wanna do best two out of three?” And I was like, “Yeah, run it back, man. Run it back.” He’s like, “You don’t have herpes.” I was like, “What is it?” And he goes, “You have a tear of the penile membrane.” Yeah, it sounds worse, right? I was like, “What that’s? What’s a tear of the penile membrane?” And he goes, “It means you have a cut on your dick.” I was like, “How’d I get a cut?” He goes, “I don’t know. It’s not my dick. That’s not how this works. I’m not a fortune teller. I just diagnose people. If you had a broken leg, I’m not like, ‘Basketball?’ I just tell you it’s broken. I’m not a fucking wizard. I have no idea. I don’t know how you think this works. What, have you been masturbating harder than normal? I don’t know.” I go, “Same as always.” He goes, “Think about it.” I was like, “Okay.” He goes, “Sit here and think and I will be back in ten minutes.” He visited other patients and came back, and goes: “Did you figure it out?” I was like, “I think I did, man.” I think I did. It was about a month before that. Yeah, right about when I noticed the cut. I had, uh… I had anal sex. Uh, giving. I wasn’t taking it. I was like, “I hate myself. Why do I always fall into these traps? Cut, cut, punish.” Yeah, no, I was dishing it out, and, uh… I ask him “Could it be that?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, it could be that.” I was like, “All right.” He goes, “Did you use lubrication? Did you use lube?” And I was like, “No, I did not. Should I have?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, you should’ve used lube when you had anal sex.” I said, “Is that a medical thing?” And he goes, “No, I’m just a guy and I’m telling you. Don’t stick your raw dick into someone’s asshole, you fucking animal. The fuck is wrong with you? I knew that before medical school. Jesus Christ, dude.” I was like, “All right.” So, he gave me some antiseptic cream, some Neosporin. He said, “Put that on.” I said, “All right.” He goes, “That’s not for lube.” And I’m like, “I know it’s not for lube.” I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I thought it was. I really thought it was. I really did. I acted like I knew, but I didn’t know. I thought he was just giving me like one dose of lube. I thought he was a cool doctor. I thought he was like, “Next time, try that.” I went home, you know, and I was all happy about it. No herpes. It was the first time in my life I didn’t take for granted not having herpes. Every other moment, I never thought about it. We all take it for granted, right? Or three out of four of us take it for granted. The other one out of four’s like, “I remember when I didn’t have herpes. Wish I still didn’t have it.” I was all happy. Everywhere I went it was like rose-colored glasses, you know? Everything bad that happened to me didn’t really matter ’cause I didn’t have herpes. I went to Star Wars Episode I first weekend, opening Saturday night. I was like, “Two tickets to Star Wars.” And they were like, “Are you out of your mind? This has been sold out for four months.” The guy’s like, “I’m sorry.” I’m like, “No big deal. I don’t have herpes. I’ll just go see The Notebook and still not have herpes.” And then I realize I gotta call that woman back. There’s someone that thinks they have herpes and doesn’t, so, I had to call. Here’s how she answered the phone when I called: “What do you want?” You know, she was still upset about the last conversation, you know? Didn’t really go her way. I was like, “Good news, I have good news.” “What?” I said, “You don’t have herpes.” She was like, “Really?” I was like, “I don’t know. You might. I don’t know who else you’re fucking, but I for sure don’t have it.” She’s like, “What was it?” I was like, “Just a cut on my dick.” And man, we laughed about that. I was like, “I can’t believe it.” She goes, “How’d you cut your dick?” I was like, “Eh, don’t worry about it. No big deal.” I guess what happened was, the way the doctor explained it: you guys ever take a cork out of a bottle of wine? And if you don’t take it straight out, but if you take it like a little bit at an angle, sometimes the cork can break. All right, I don’t wanna get into specifics with you guys, but… Here’s… Here’s the one thing I came away with, that whole thing, that Neosporin would be the worst lube to use for anal sex. That’s the only thing I took out of it. It’d feel good while you’re doing it. But here’s the problem, when you’re done, your butthole would just like… seal up. It would just heal away until you have no butthole. You’d be buttless. You guys know how science works? Understand how science works? That’s what would happen. You guys are gonna look up, “Would Neosporin make your butthole go away?” Trust me, you don’t have to look it up. I’ve been to a few countries this year, actually. I went to Amsterdam last year. You guys been there? Did you smoke pot? Did you smoke pot while you were there? What else are you gonna do, go to museums? Kill yourself. There’s no reason to do that. You can see all of Van Gogh’s works on the Internet. There’s no reason to go to Amsterdam for that. But there’s legal marijuana. Fully legal marijuana, yeah. Yeah, it’s awesome. At coffee shops, right? They’re called coffee shops. They serve coffee? Yeah, no, they don’t serve coffee. That’s the weird thing. I don’t know why they’re called coffee shops. I don’t know where you buy coffee in Amsterdam, to be honest. Coffee might be illegal in Amsterdam. Maybe you gotta go to one of those fake L.A.-style doctors and be like, “Doctor, I’m having trouble waking up in the morning. Can I get some Ethiopian blend or something?” What’d you guys think of the weed? – Yes. – Yeah, oh, yeah. No, it was so-so, to be honest. Yeah. Oh, you’re used to Texas fucking Odessa weed. That’s the problem. The shit you bring in from Mexico. You’re not supposed to sell weed by the brick. That’s when you know it’s bad weed. “How many bricks do you want?” “Bricks? What are you talking about? Eighths, man, eighths.” It was good, but it just wasn’t the best. It was like B-plus, A-minus weed. Yeah, and I smoke pot everywhere, you guys. I smoke pot all over the world. Yeah, that’s what I do. That’s how I prove I’m a free American. Yeah. You know who has the worst weed? The worst weed in the world? Australia. By far the worst. I’m telling you, I’ve smoked everywhere. I smoked pot in the streets of Shanghai, where it’s punishable by death. I was rolling a joint and my friend said, “They’ll fucking kill you. Are you crazy?” And I was like, “Well, now I need it more than ever. I’m fucking nervous. My God, you turned this medicinal. It was crazy what you just did.” I was in Australia and I was drinking. I had like two or three beers. Somebody said, “Can I buy you a beer?” I was like, “I’m getting drunk.” And they were like, “Oh, you fucking pussy. You can’t handle your alcohol. Fucking pussy.” They kept saying it and I said, “Light up one of your dirt joints right now. And I will smoke this whole country under the table. I will go hit for hit with every citizen in Australia and I will bury all of you.” Yeah, the Amsterdam weed was good, though. It just wasn’t the best. My friend’s like, “You didn’t try the right place.” I’m like, “I tried all the places. I was very thorough in my investigation.” Here’s how I proved it. I went to every coffee shop. I strutted to the front and I was like: “Hey, hey, hey, sell me your strongest weed or America wins again.” But I wore, like, a cowboy hat and Confederate-flag suspenders, big Mickey Mouse belt buckle. Like, they hated me. They wanted to prove it, you know? This one guy went to a bottom drawer. Two guys had to turn a key at the same time. This drawer opens up and dry ice came out of it. And he held up this nug and he was like, “Smoke that. It’s the last of Hitler’s reserves. If he didn’t kill you, this will.” I smoked. He’s like, “What do you think?” And I was like, “It’ll do.” You guys wanna hear the worst side effect of marijuana? Yeah, they don’t tell you about this in the D.A.R.E. program. They always lie. All those outreach programs, they lie a bit to, like, try to convince kids, but kids see through it, so, then they, like, don’t hear the message at all. They’re like, “If you smoke pot, you’re gonna end up living in your grandmother’s basement.” I’m always like, “Uh, that’s a wonderful thing to do.” If you live and take care of your elderly grandmother, that’s an amazing, charitable way to live your life. You’re a way better person than me. That is not a side effect of marijuana. Absolutely not. Here’s the worst side effect of marijuana. It’s when you watch 44 minutes of an episode of Law and Order before you realize you’ve seen it nine times before. That’s real shit that could happen to you, and it’s not a good feeling when you realize how many times you’ve wasted that much time. If you’re high when you’re watching, it’s more of a betrayal ’cause you get way into it. You know, I’m always watching high, I’m like, “This fucking judge. He threw out the evidence. They’re never gonna get this motherfucker now. He’ll be on the beach with his wife sipping Mai Tais and laughing at the justice system. Oh, fuck, his wife tricks him. Goddamn it, I remember this.” Did you go to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam? – Yeah! – I went, too. I didn’t know it was there. Yes. I mean, I knew if you quizzed me, but I didn’t really know, you know? If you… I knew it was in Europe. Me and my friend were going to the Heineken factory. Heineken’s based in Amsterdam. We were headed there and then we like walked by it, and I was like, “Oh, fuck, the Anne Frank House.” It was super easy to find. I do not know what took the Germans so long. It was fucking… It’s fucking right there. They could not have been… They were not looking. For sure they were not looking. That is not the well-oiled machine they would have you believe. It was right on the waterfront. I mean, whatever, but… It was this house where Anne Frank lived for a little while. You guys, it’s about to get so much worse, so… If you’re gonna turn on me on that tagline of a joke, you’re in for a bad seven minutes. I saw it and I told my friend, “I think I gotta go in here.” And he’s like, “To the Anne Frank House?” He was like, “Why? This seems like a downer.” I’m like, “For sure it’s gonna be a downer.” I don’t think there’s any good rides at the Anne Frank House. Not like the Heineken factory. The Heineken factory has a Heineken boat. Yeah, and it goes down a river of Heineken through the whole warehouse. There’s all these Heineken Oompa Loompas that cheer at you the whole time. Then you find out they’re not Oompa Loompas. They’re children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Yeah. They were yelling, “My mom drank beer!” And you’re like, “She sure did, sport. She sure did. What are you, 32 now? That’s great. Give me a high-two with that claw, all right.” My friend was like, “Why do you have to go in the Anne Frank House?” I’m like, “I’m a Jew, and I don’t think I’m allowed to not to go to the Anne Frank House.” And he was like, “Well, I’m not a Jew, and I don’t wanna go with you.” I’m like, “Yeah, you’re making the right decision.” So, we split up. He went to Heineken, I went to Anne Frank. First we had lunch. Right next to the Anne Frank House there’s this restaurant with really good grilled cheese. Yeah. No joke, just… You don’t have to go to the Anne Frank House, but like right next to the Anne Frank House, check it out. It’s like Anne Frank, right there. It was awesome. It was probably the best grilled-cheese sandwich I’ve ever had. It has five different kinds of cheeses. Mashed tomato. Honestly, guys, do yourself a favor. Check out that grilled-cheese place. Then I went to the Anne Frank house. It was this two-hour tour. They take you through the whole thing. All the floors and rooms. And, uh, he was right. It was a downer. It was not a fun experience in any way. Every time I go to museums like that, I think it’s not gonna get me. Then it does. It always fucking gets me. When I got back to my place in New York, I kept thinking about Anne Frank. I kept thinking about the Anne Frank House and the way she lived, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized… I can already tell you guys are not gonna go with me on this. Anne Frank didn’t live that bad, you guys. You weren’t there. I was there. Don’t believe what the media tells you. It wasn’t that bad at all. Here’s how I know: I got my first place in New York, an apartment in New York. And a girl at the time came over, and she’s like: “Give me the tour of your place.” That’s normal. I was like, “Sure. Okay, well… uh… Uh, all right. Well, there’s the kitchen. It’s pretty much just part of this room, but… That’s where the fridge and the stove are, so, we call that wall the kitchen. Uh, couch is over there. You might see it as a bed, but it’s daytime right now, so, it’s called a couch this hour. Bathroom’s there. If you want to brush your teeth, I suggest sliding the shower door open so you can get full extension. Otherwise you’re gonna have to brush like that. That’s your choice. However you want to play that. And, uh… Yeah. That’s it. Ta-da. That’s the tour. The Anne Frank tour took two hours. She lived so much better than I live. Plus that grilled-cheese place next door? That had to come in handy. During the Holocaust? That’s comfort food, you guys. What better time for comfort food than the Holocaust? She was probably there every day. Every night. Probably every night. Probably not a daytime order for Anne Frank. She was probably like: “Give me a grilled cheese. Come on, hurry up.” It’s grilled enough. Let’s go.” They’d be like, “Is that to go?” “To go, every time! I cannot eat here. Hurry up!” I like to imagine Anne Frank getting upstairs going, “Oh, phew,” with, like, her bag of grilled cheese. Her friends are like, “You brought grilled cheese?” And she’d be like, “Oh, did you guys…? Did you want some? You should have said something. I would have brought you some. What did you eat instead? Oh. Wallpaper glue? Again? They had tater tots. You should have said something. I’d have totally gotten you some.” I can’t wait for my father to hate that joke. I’ve been to a bunch of places this year. I went to Thailand last year, too. Last April. A year ago in April I went to Thailand. It was fun. You guys ever been there? A couple of you? It’s cheap. It’s third world. I mean, it’s so cheap, you guys. You ever go to a country and do conversion math in your head? Like their currency to dollars? I was doing that. I was buying a beer in Thailand, and I was trying to figure out how much it was in dollars. My friend was like, “It’s free. Everything here is free.” You hand them some orange money and they give you beers for five weeks until you leave. And they build a statue in your honor. Everything’s such… And you can bargain, too. Craziest thing. You can bargain over almost anything. I went to buy a shirt once, this shirt I liked, and I asked how much it cost. It was 200 baht. That’s their currency. B-A-H-T. But he didn’t tell me 200 baht. He took out a calculator, and he typed 200 on the calculator, and then he handed me the calculator. And I took it, and I was like… I was like, “Why are we involving this? Are you trying to show me where all the calculators went?” I was like, “Are we bargaining?” So, I just tried something. I was like, “I don’t know.” So, I typed, “Minus 125… equals…” and then I handed him back the calculator. And he took it and he was like, “Puh.” He was like, “Plus 90.” And he gave it back to me. I was like, “Minus 70,” and I gave it back to him. We keep going back and forth like that. That’s what you do. That’s what you do. Until you get some number you can’t live with. You’re like, “I’ll walk. I’ll walk the fuck out of here right now. If you think I’m going 1 baht over 150, you’re out of your goddamn mind!” Then he’s like, “Fine, 150 baht.” “That’s right, motherfucker. I’m no sucker.” And then you realize you’ve been bargaining for ten minutes over 31 cents. Yeah. Thirty-one cents, which he could have used to feed his family on for four days. But you’re like, “Not my problem. First world.” This one’s tough. I, uh… I think I’m a homophobe, you guys. Yeah. I don’t want to be homophobic, but I think I am. My gay friend accused me of being homophobic. Gay Andrew, we call him. That’s not why. That’s got nothing to do with this. He signed off on that nickname. We had two Andrews in my dorm. We had to separate them somehow. So, it was Gay Andrew and Straight Andrew. Or if you got to know them, if you were in the crew, Gandrew and Strandrew. You know what was worse? We had three different guys from China in my dorm named Wei. W-E-I. You know what we called them? Wei One, Wei Two, and Wei Three. Wei Three hated it. He hated it. Like, “Why do I gotta be Wei Three?” “Shut up, Wei Three! You asshole. Come on, Wei One. I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Gandrew and Strandrew, and this happened, like… three years after college. We were all at a bar. We were drinking. It was 11:00. We left this bar. “What should we do next?” And so, Gandrew’s like: “You know what we should do now?” I was like, “What?” He goes, “Let’s go to my place. We can totally fuck.” It’s like, “Wait, what? Did you just try to slip in a fuck?” And he’s like, “Did you notice?” Like, “Yes, I noticed. Absolutely, but I’ll tell you: Even if I didn’t notice now, I would have noticed later, when you tried to fuck.” He was like, “I’ll never stop trying.” “That’s fine. I don’t care.” At that point, he’d been hitting on me for five years. All through college and then some. I didn’t mind, you know? It’s flattering, and I’m stronger than him, so, who cares? You know? It’s all the benefit, none of the danger. But he was getting mad, you guys. He was mad. When you hit on someone for five years and don’t get anywhere, it’s frustrating. I’ve never… I can’t imagine being in that situation. Not get anywhere. And he lost it that night. Couldn’t take it anymore. He just goes, “Ari.” Just right at me: “Why won’t you fuck me?” Yeah, just blatant like that. Jesus Christ. Is that what women deal with all the time? Like, “Why won’t you fuck me?” And I was like, “‘Cause I’m not gay.” I’m telling you, if a gay guy’s hitting on you and you tell him you’re not gay, that is not a good enough answer for a gay man. You’d think that’d end the argument. It does not. It only changes it slightly. He goes, “How do you know?” Like he’s gonna outthink me right there on the spot. He’s gonna logic his way into my asshole. I was like, “Is that really a question? How do I know? How do I know I’m not gay? I don’t know, man. I guess I’ve always sort of suspected. Is that the answer? I remember when I was young, like 13, I remember seeing a love scene in a movie. I remember looking at the woman the whole time. And right there I was like, ‘Oh, fuck, maybe.’ Later, I remember, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came to my house. Before anybody else got it, I took it to my room. And I masturbated to it. Until I came. And that was my second clue. After a while I just came to terms with it. I just realized who I was. And I told everybody in my life. I told my mom, my dad. I sat them all down. I was like, ‘Guys, I’m… I’m a heterosexual.’ To be honest, Gandrew, everybody’s been cool about it. You’re the only one giving me a hard time. Everybody else knows I was born this way. It’s not a choice or a decision. They’ve all been very respectful of who I am, except for you.” Then he goes, “Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. You’re right. My bad.” But he wasn’t done trying. He was like, “How about this?” He goes, “Let’s go back to my place… ” “Andrew, come on.” “No, just hear me out. Just wait, okay? It’s okay, shh, it’s okay. We’ll just go back to my place, and I’ll just blow you.” And I was like, “No.” And man, he could not accept that at all. He was like, “You won’t even let me blow you? Are you kidding? You aren’t gonna let me blow you?” And I was like, “No.” And he was like, “Why?!” And I’m like, “‘Cause I’m not attracted to men.” He goes, “Yeah, but, Ari, I’ve seen a lot of the women you’ve hooked up with. And you’re not attracted to a lot of them either.” I was like, “Well, touché, Gandrew. Touché.” I get too drunk. It happens. Absolutely. And he goes, “So, shall we fuck?” And I’m like, “No. We shall’n’t.” He goes, “That’s ’cause you’re homophobic.” I’m like, “What? I’m homophobic ’cause I won’t let you fuck me?” And he goes, “No, no. You’re homophobic ’cause you won’t let me blow you.” I was like, “Please explain.” And he goes, “Okay. Sure.” He asks me some questions. He goes, “Do you like blow jobs?” I was like, “Yes. I do.” I’ve always… My entire career, I’ve always voted pro-blow job. I’m like Bernie Sanders and Ron Paul. Down the middle. Never waffled on the main issues. Always voted yes on Prop Beej. Yeah. And he’s like, “Great. Okay. Well, I enjoy giving them.” I was like, “So?” He goes, “So, you want something, and I have that thing.” I was like, “I don’t understand.” He goes, “Let’s say you wanted a Kit-Kat. You didn’t have any Kit-Kats. You’re like, ‘I wish I could get a Kit-Kat but it’s so late and no stores are open. There’s no place to get a Kit-Kat. What am I gonna do?’ Your old buddy Gandrew shows up, and he’s got a knapsack full of Kit-Kats, and he’s just looking to give one out. ‘Take one.’ ‘No. I don’t want to.’ ‘Take one. I love giving them out. It gives me some weird gratification to hand out a Kit-Kat.'” He goes, “You know what you do?” “What?” “You take a Kit-Kat. You probably take a couple. You’d get annoying. Next time I saw you, you’d be like: ‘Hey, can I get another Kit-Kat?’ I’d be like, ‘We don’t have time.’ ‘Let’s go to the back and get one Kit-Kat. I don’t see what the difference is.'” He goes, “You know why? ‘Cause there’s no social stigma on a fucking Kit-Kat.” And I’m like, “So, I’m a homophobe because I won’t let you blow me?” He goes, “Yeah, that’s right. You are.” And I was like: “I gotta think about this, man. I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense. I don’t want to be homophobic. I was a fucking liberal arts major. I can’t be homophobic, but I think I am. I think I am. I’ve never let a dude blow me. I’ve never fucked a dude.” It’s stuck in my head. That was 15 years ago, and it’s stuck in the back of my head. Every few months I’d think about it. Not all the time, but gay marriage would come up as a topic. Everyone would weigh in. I’m like, “Homophobe. You can’t talk. Oh, yeah.” I can’t be part of this dialogue. Yeah, it bothered me for so long. I mean, I’ve stuck my dick in horrible places. Just horrible. But never a man. And I mean horrible. I mean, like, I fucked a couch before. Yeah. You know whose couch? Worst person possible. My Mommy and Daddy’s couch. Yeah, the blue one in the living room. I went in there between Seat Cushion 2 and 3. I would get in there and I would just fucking… Just: I would hold the cushion tight so it would feel better. I would hook my ankle in the other one, like… And bring it in. That’s how I’d get off to that swimsuit issue. I’d fucking look at Rachel Hunter, and I’m like: Do you know how good it felt to fuck that couch as a 15-year-old? Do you know how…? Awful, you guys. It felt awful. It would chafe my dick. You’re not supposed to fuck couches. You know that? They’re not for fucking. They’re for sitting on. Yeah. Maybe that should be on a Snapple bottle. The original function of a couch was not for 15-year-olds to explore themselves. They’re just for sitting on. Yeah, it would chafe my dick almost to the point of bleeding. Yeah. Maybe that’s how I got the cut on my dick. Maybe that was it. Maybe that’s the original wound. It took me like a week to heal. You know what I did as soon as I was done? Yeah, I was right back in there. “You thought I was gone? I’ll never be gone. I own you. You’re mine.” I’ve fucked a couch and I’ve never fucked a man. I was like, “Maybe I’m a homophobe. Maybe it’s true.” I always thought, like, no, I wasn’t attracted to a man. But maybe I’m wrong. And then, last April… I took that trip to Thailand. Some of you are ahead of me. I haven’t gotten there yet, you guys. My friends all asked me the same question when I got back. None of them asked me about the food, the amazing cuisine. None of them asked me about the temples every four blocks. The only question they had: “Ari, did you fuck a ladyboy?” That’s all they wanted to know. And I was going to, you guys. I was for real. That was the plan. That was the plan. Do you guys know what a ladyboy is? – Yes. – Okay. If you don’t, it’s a transsexual. But it’s better than that. It’s regional. They dominate. They’re like the best of the best. The Thai ladyboy is like the ’92 Dream Team of transsexuals. Yeah, and just like the ’92 Dream Team, only one out of 12 of them have AIDS. Oh! What are you guys, Magic fans? Relax. And I was going to. I was for real going to. I was gonna fuck a ladyboy. Because no, guys, I’m not attracted to men. I’m not. But I am attracted to hot-looking women who happen to have one weird detail about them. That’s a whole different thing. And they are hot. They’re hot, you guys. They’re hot. From behind, you can’t tell. From behind, they’re like petite. They’re like 5’3″… Asian men, but they’re, like, small. They wear black miniskirt dresses, so, their asses and legs look good. They’ve got long, straight Asian hair. The kind Jewish women buy. You know? You come up behind them like, “Goddamn, she’s hot as fuck. Who’s that?” And then you look in front, they got breast implants, and they tuck their dicks with, like, industrial-grade jockstraps. The best of the best. And you look at them from below the Adam’s apple down, and you’re like, “She’s so hot. So is she.” Then you look up. You’re like, “Hello, sir. Gentlemen. Fellas. How you guys doing? What’s up, bro? Dude?” Yeah, the people who say they’re tens definitely fucked a ladyboy. And I wanted to, you guys. Why not? What better place to dip my toe into the waters of homosexuality just to see how it feels, you know what I mean? You don’t want your first gay experience when you’re wondering whether you should… You don’t want your first experience to be some buff dude who comes in like, “I’m gonna tear that ass apart!” “I’m out, I’m out, I’m out. I can’t do it. I thought I could. I apologize. I’ll pay for dinner. Get an appetizer. I apologize. I can’t do this.” You gotta start small and work your way up. The ladyboy, you know? It’s like the marijuana of gay. And why not Thailand? Why not? They don’t talk a lot of English. They have a low Facebook presence. What better place? If I could do it, if I could fuck one ladyboy, I could prove to myself that I wasn’t a homophobe. You know? Once and for all. I just wasn’t attracted to Gay Andrew. Ladyboys are different. I was like, “I’m gonna do this.” If I can do it, I can do all the stuff that I want to do in the world. You know what I want to do? I’m gonna open myself up. I wanted to get five to come with me to a Thai kickboxing fight. They’re like 15 bucks for the whole day. For 75 dollars, you can get five of them. I was gonna get a mink coat and walk in like this: First I had to get my dick wet. You know, so, I went into one of the massage parlors. They all start crowding around me. Like, “Ladies, ladies, fellas, whatever, back off, give me some room here. Let me breathe. This is my first time. I’m not a regular.” So, they all moved away. Super respectful. There’s 40 of them in there. Two of them were legitimately hot. Two of them… Nobody could tell. Any guy here would buy them multiple drinks to try to get with them. So fucking hot. And then there was a third one that was, like, way older. You know, she was like a ladyman. She had gray chest hair in her bikini top. It was unsettling. I was like, “Hang up the jockstrap. Your career’s over.” So, one of the “hot” hot ones saw me looking at her, so, she comes over, she takes my hand, she starts leading me back. I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m doing this. I’m doing this. This is happening.” We go to the back, through this curtain. My heart’s beating out of my chest. I was so nervous. We start going up these steps. I went up two steps and my whole body just kind of stopped. I just seized up. She looked back like, “What’s the matter?” And I was like: “I’m homophobic. Fuck. For sure, yeah. I’m a homophobe.” She’s like, “You’re not attracted?” “I’m super attracted. You’re hot as fuck. But I can’t do it.” Then she was like, “What’s a homophobe?” I’m like, how do you explain to a ladyboy hooker in Thailand what homophobia is? It’s such an open society. And I was like, “All right well, let me try, I guess. A homophobe is like, imagine if you gave somebody a hamburger, and they were eating it, and halfway through, you were like, ‘Actually, just so you know, it’s a veggie burger.’ Then imagine they started spitting out what they had in their mouth. And they’re wiping their tongue with a napkin, and maybe they start punching the burger ’cause they’re so mad at it, and they tell it, ‘If you tell anybody this, I’ll kill you.’ And then they hung themselves. They couldn’t live with eating a veggie burger.” I’m like, “That’s a homophobe.” I’m like, “You look exactly like a hamburger, and I bet you taste and smell just like one, too, but deep in my heart, I know you’re a veggie burger, and something’s not letting me eat it. And that is homophobia.” Yeah. And then she goes, “Well, I don’t understand. Do you like blow jobs?” “Yes, I like blow jobs. Why does everybody ask me this? Of course I like blow jobs.” Do I have a no-blow-job-liking face? What is this question? She was like, “I’m really good at them.” I’m like, “Yeah, I mean, you’ve gone pro, obviously.” I don’t know what your world ranking is, but it’s a testimony to your skill level. So, I left. And I deal with it now. I’m a homophobe. My friends are like, “No, just ’cause you wouldn’t fuck a ladyboy hooker in Thailand that does not make you homophobic.” But I disagree, you guys. I think it does. Like, you guys, Austin, Texas, you’re not homophobic, right? Austin, Texas. The rest of Texas I’m sure is. Probably most of you aren’t homophobic. You aren’t. You’re not. Would you fuck a ladyboy? No? It’s okay. – I got a girl. – You’ve got a girl. Fine. But let’s say she died in a horrible car accident. And you wanted to console yourself in the arms of a beautiful ladyboy woman. I think that’s probably everybody’s answer. Probably. Like, not fuck a ladyboy, also not homophobic. But let me ask you all a question. And actually, I’ll just ask you three in particular. This is a question for every guy in here to think about. Would you rather fuck a ladyboy or… a sheep? You’re thinking about it! It’s human! The answer is human! You would fuck our species over any other species! Homophobe, homophobe, homophobe, homophobe! I know. It got me, too. That’s the only reason I know it’s a hard question. Somebody asked me. I was like, “What’s the sheep doing? Just walking by? Is it, like, looking at me all weird? It’s not a talking sheep, right, doesn’t know my friends?” Homophobe! Thank you very much, everybody. You guys have been tremendous. What a fucking pleasure to play here. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you very much.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Rock: Bring the Pain (1996) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-bring-pain-transcript/

[Announcer] Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C. Are you ready? I said, are you ready? It’s time to bring the pain, give it to me for Mr. Chris Rock! How are you? Washington! D.C., chocolate city! That’s right! Home of the Million Man March! That’s right, the Million Man March! That had all the type of black leaders there! Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson), Marion Barry …  Marion Barry … at the Million Men March! How did he get the ticket? It was a day of positivity! How did he get it? Marion Barry at the Million Man March, do you know what that means? It means that even in our finest hour we had a crackhead on stage! Yes, boo all you want, but you know I’m right! How the hell did Marion Barry get his job back? He smoked crack and got his job back. How the hell did that happen? If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald’s you can’t get your job back! That’s right, they are not gonna trust you around their Happy Meals! They’ll send your ass to Hardee’s. He smoked crack and got his job! I want to know who was so … Who ran against him that they lost? Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead? What was their campaign like? Were they, like, on heroin? “Vote for me!” “Vote for me! Don’t vote for crack, vote for smack!” Marion Barry… come on, how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high… when their mayor is on crack? “Don’t get high. You won’t be nothing.” “I could be Mayor!” Crack is everywhere, crack everywhere … you know what they say? “Crack is destroying the black community.” “Crack is destroying the ghetto.” Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack! They say that sh!t like everybody had at least a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool … … then crack came by and dried it all up! I think we always focus on the negative side of crack … Always on the negative side of crack. What about the good side of crack? What about the beauty of crack? What about the good things that crack has brought into our minds that were not there before? Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour you can get a VCR for $ 1.50! You can furnish your whole house for $10.95. Why? Because of crack! Sh!t … At Christmastime, have you ever bought somebody a crack gift? They think you’ve got them something. Like “Oh, you should not have!” “I didn’t!” Bought from a crackhead! I think they should just legalize crack. Legalize it. Do you know why I want them to legalize crack? Just so my friends’ mothers can have something to brag about. “You know, Ron has got his own crack house now! Johnny’s got his own crack house. When I drive by …: ‘That is my baby’s crack house right there’ Hey guys, jump on! Legalize, man. All drugs should be legalized, all! Why? People want to get high. That’s right. People think about getting high right now. People are like: “Damn, how much longer is the show?” People love to get high! You could get rid of all illegal drugs in the world and it won’t mean sh!t. People want to get high. If you get rid of all the crack, all the heroin, all the blow, you know what will happen? People will just think of new ways to get high! That’s right, guys will go to their basement and become scientists and say, “Check this out, check this out!” “You know, if you get a baby’s bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead llama beans and then suck it. You will be f*cked up!” That’s right! Now we’ve got the war on drugs. Bullsh!t! The war on drugs is bullsh!t, it is the way to get more motherf*ckers in jail, that’s all it is … yes! That’s all it is! The drug dealers don’t really sell drugs. The drug dealers … offer drugs! I’m thirty years old, ain’t nobody ever sold me drugs. Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs! You ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some f*cking drugs? Hell, no! The drug dealers offer: “Hey man, you want some smoke, you want some smoke?” You say “No”, that’s it! Now, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, on the other hand … Sh!t! No, man, drug dealers don’t sell drugs: drugs sell themselves. Crack is not an encyclopedia, not a f*cking vacuum cleaner! You know, you don’t really gotta try to sell crack, OK? I never heard a crack dealer go, “Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?” “It’s just piled up in my house!” That’s right, man! I don’t f*ck around. I don’t do no drugs. I don’t get high at all. Probably the main reason why I don’t f*ck around is my big brother. Big brother. Junkie alcoholic! But doesn’t eat pork, ’cause “pork’s not good for you!” People are full of sh!t, man. People who shoot heroine, and they go: “You know, red meat can kill you!” What do you mean “red meat can kill you”? Only in America we say some bullsh!t like “red meat can kill you.” We’ve got too much food in America. Too much food! “Red meat can kill you”? People are starving all over the world! What do you mean, “Red meat will kill you”? No, no no! Don’t eat no red meat? No. Don’t eat no green meat, ok? What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth who is lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the sh!t out of it! Too much food in America! We’ve got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat. The only country in the whole world. People are starving all over the world. You’re fat some place else, people are like: “Damn, how did you do that? “That’s amazing! I gotta hang with you! “Oh, you think you are ??? fat ass?” I put on some weight, we’re gonna hang! “ Too much food in America, man! We’ve got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people aren’t allergic to sh!t! So do you think anybody in Rwanda’s got a f*cking lactose intolerance? Now we’ve got some people who don’t eat pork, what the f*ck is that sh!t about? You don’t eat pork! You don’t eat pork! Some people don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I think it’s dumb sh!t—nothing against religion—but I refuse to believe that on Judgement Day my diet is going to come into question, OK? What you eat has got sh!t to do with who you are as a person, ok? “Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids … but I eat right!” No! That ain’t gonna help, man. No. You see, people don’t realize that religious books were written by men. Men wrote everything. Men wrote the Bible, men wrote the Koran, men wrote the Torah, all that sh!t written by men. Thousands of years ago, before … you know, like, 5000 years ago, before there were the DOMOPACK, before there were refrigerators, before there were freezers, before there was seasoning, a pork chop might kill you! That’s right. One drop: “Aaaah!” Dead! But times have changed. That’s right, you see, times have changed. People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, “Damn, this pork is killing everybody!” “How can we get people to not eat pork?” “Ok! Tell them God said, don’t eat it.” And everybody said, “Okay, God said, don’t eat it.” And they stopped eating it. But times have changed. Now we’ve got refrigerators, we’ve got freezers, we’ve got some cellophane wrap, we’ve got aluminum wrap! Now a pork chop is your friend! That’s right, if you are starving, a pork chop will save your life! Sh!t, I eat a pig’s ass, if cooked right! My family is from the South. You know, people from the South love some pork. No matter what you eat down South, they’ve got some pork in it! “Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?” “Pork fish!” You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet. Pig feet that’s been sitting inside an old jar, the same jar it’s been sitting in since I was 14 years old! And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid … What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss? And people actually pick out the pig feet “No, not that one, the other one …” Like there is any difference between different sh!tty pig feet! “No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it! ” Not that one with athlete’s pig foot!” A lot of stuff going on this year… not everything’s racial this year. What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell! “He should run! He could win! Colin can win, he should run!” Can’t win! Colin Powell can’t win! Colin Powell’s got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics … … to being the president of the United States. Get the f*ck out! White people ain’t vote for Colin Powell! They say they are, but they are not! Ok? This ??? soup his head off, make him run ???? killed for trying to run. Sh!t, Colin Powell! White people say they’re gonna vote for him because it seems like the right thing to say. It just seems like a cool thing to say: “Yes, I would vote for him …” It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor. They always say “yes” … But nobody wants to be an organ donor! Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say. Sh!t, organ donor is for people with no faith at all! You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead? Now I have no eyes! Ain’t this a b!tch! Back from the dead and I can’t see sh!t! “Mom, I’m back! Mom, where are my eyes? “You gave them to a little boy in Idaho? “Now I will have to kill him to get my eyes back!” Colin Powell can’t be president! You know how I could tell Colin Powell can’t be president? Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments. Always the same compliments! “How do you feel about Colin Powell?” “He speaks so well!” “He’s so well spoken!” “He speaks so well!” “I mean, he really speaks well!” “He speaks so well!” Like that’s a compliment! “Speaks so well” is not a compliment, OK? “Speaks so well” is some sh!t you say about retarded people that can talk! What do you mean “He speaks well”? What, he had a stroke the other day? He’s a f*cking educated man! How the f*ck do you expect him to sound, dirty motherf*cker? What are you talking about? “He speaks so well …” What are you talking about, “he speaks so well” What voice were you looking to come out of his mouth? What the f*ck did you expect him to sound like? “I’m a-drop me a bomb today!” “I’ll be pres-o-dent!” Get the f*ck outta here! Now they’re telling that Colin Powell should run for vice president. Do it for his country. F*ck the country, sh!t! He ain’t gonna run with the guy he could beat. He ain’t gonna run with f*cking Dole. He could beat Dole! They only act so a black man can do something that f*cking stupid. Run with a guy he could beat. Get the f*ck out of here! They won’t act so white guy won’t do no sh!t like that! They’re not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no! Get the f*ck out of here, man! Vice-President … you know what? It ain’t gonna happen! As long as you live you ain’t ever gonna see no black vice president. Not while the president is white! Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, “never say never”? I say never! You will never see no black vice president. Not while there’s a white president, and you know why? ‘Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that’s why! Sh!t, I’d do it! If we had a black vice president right now, I could not have waited to kill the president! Sh!t! Now what’s gonna happen? What’re you gonna you do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys? they’ll treat me like a hero for the rest of my life. Sh!t, even if they had a death penalty, what would happen? Skipped off (???) by the black president! I would be the biggest star in the history of jail! Be signing autographs, “97/KY” Here you go! Sh!t, if I would be in jail guys would come at me: “Yo, Chris, Chris, yo, man! I hope my kids turn out to be just like you, man! “You know, I was getting ready to rape you until I realized who you were!” Oh, they will rape you in jail, boy! See, the whole damn country is so damn conservative. Everybody says: “Jails ain’t tough enough. Jails ain’t tough enough.” “We gotta have the death penalty. Jails ain’t tough enough.” Jails are f*cked up, ok? Don’t believe the hype. The problem is … The reason jails are so crowded ’cause life is f*cked up too! People are broke, people are starving, life … … Sh!t! Life is catching up to jail! Sh!t, if you live in an old project, a new jail ain’t that bad! Sh!t, I’ve watched on HBO they had a special on: The Jail Special. A couple of months ago. Now, normally when you see a special about jail, it’s on regular TV and there is a lot of sh!t they don’t show. Oh, not the HBO Jail Special! Oh, they showed it all. They interviewed a brother and ???: “Sir, when a new inmate comes in and he wants some drugs, how do you initiate him?” The guy goes, ‘Well, the first thing I do is make him toss my salad! ” The guy is like: “Toss my salad? What is that?” “Having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. “I prefer syrup!” I’m not making this up! And then the guy says, ‘Why must you go through all that, why not just oral sex? ” And he goes: “Well, when a man’s sucking your dick he can pretend that’s something else.” “When he’s licking ass, he knows it’s ass!” I tell you (???)! We don’t need the death penalty! We’ve got the toss-salad men! Sh!t, if I had a choice right now between the electric chair and tossing a salad … I’d be like: “So where are you plugging in? “Shouldn’t I be wet?” Everybody says: “Oh, schools are out of control, they are out of control, “We need prayer in the schools.” We do not need prayer in school! We need the toss-salad men in school! That’ll straighten the kids up! “Hey Jimmy, you’ve got a D. You know what you gotta do?” “Noooooo! Nooooo! I will not toss the salad! I will not!” “I will read! I will learn to read!” A lot of racial sh!t this year … A lot of racial sh!t: what is the big thing? O.J. [O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder charges] O.J. was big. That’s right. Black people too happy, white people too mad. The white people like: “That is a bullsh!t!” I ain’t seen white people that nasty since they cancelled “M.A.S.H.”! Black people ???: “Yes, we won, we won! Yes! We won!” What the f*ck did we win? Every day I look at the mailbox for my O.J. prize: nothing! Nothing! “That was all about race.” That sh!t wasn’t about race. That sh!t was about fame! If O.J. wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, … If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer. They all go: “Oh, the jury was so stupid.” Get the f*ck out of here, man! “It’s so stupid, how did they …?” White people would have done exact same sh!t, OK? The exact same sh!t! Because if that was Jerry Seinfeld tried with double murder and the only person that found the bloody glove happened to be in the Nation of Islam … Jerry’d be a free man! And eating cereal right now. [Seinfeld is known for his love for cereals] Now, let’s run down the case. Who’s the guy, Ron Goldman? (Other ex-football player, who was killed along with wife of OJ Simpson) That was her boyfriend. Don’t be mistaken thinking there was some guy returning the glasses, right? When was the last time you forgot some sh!t at the restaurant and they brought it back to your house? Sh!t, I want to eat there! Sh!t, you could leave a newborn baby in a restaurant and they’ll put him in the coat room! Second of all, he was known to drive around town in this Ferrari that O.J. had bought for her. Think about this sh!t. I buy you a car and you’re gonna let another man drive around in my car? Are you out of your f*cking mind?! Sh!t! God! You’d better recognize … Sh!t, I don’t even have a Ferrari, but if I saw somebody driving in my Pinto … … That sh!t would blow like in the Godfather! I’m not saying he should have killed her … … But I understand! You know what else? O.J. was paying $ 25,000 a month in alimony. $ 25,000! 25! $ 4000 a month for food! For food! What the f*ck was she eating for 4 grand a month? I guess she’s like: “I gotta get some extra cheese on my waffles (???)!” Yo women y’all got it good … When it’s time to get a divorce, women got it made. They go to court, start talking some sh!t (???): “Your Honor, I’m used to this, I’m used to that, I’m accustomed to this …” Yo, what the f*ck is “accustomed”? What’s that got to do with sh!t? Hey, you go to a restaurant, you’re accustomed to eating. You leave, you ain’t eating no more. They don’t owe you a steak! Now, women go to court, talk that sh!t: “Your Honor, I’m used to this, I’m used to that, I want some money, give me some money!” And they get the money! What about what the men are used to? What about what the men are accustomed to? That might not be money. But during the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed to a few things. Now, we’d love to see a man go to court and say, “Your Honor, check this out ‘… “I’m accustomed to f*cking her four times a week … “Now I think I should be able to f*ck her at least twice a week! “I mean, she can have her alimony. But I want some p*ssy payment!” Am I wrong? (???) That’s, right, man, sh!t! That alimony that’s what made OJ crack! That alimony! She’s paid that big-ass alimony, he ain’t scored a touch-down in twenty years … That’s right, should have had a prenup. That’s right, a prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a prenup. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no! You’ve got 20 million and your wife wants 10? Big deal, you ain’t starving. But if you make 30 000 … and your wife wants 15 … … You might have to kill her! Sh!t! “Sh!t, I ain’t going to move back with my mama ’cause you ain’t in love! “You’re gonna have to die!” So you gotta think about OJ’s situation.: (He’s paying) $25,000 a month (in alimony), another man’s driving around in his car and f*cking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… … But I understand! You know who I feel for ??? I feel for more than anybody else, man? ??? to O.J. and Nicole to f*ck off, man. Do you know who I really feel for, who I feel for more than anybody else? Ike Turner! You know what? ‘Cause Ike was the king of the woman-beaters till OJ took his title! Now Ike says: “Hey, I could have killed Tina! “What about me? What blood’s got to do with it?” (reference to Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It”) That’s the big thing now, domestic abuse! That’s the big sh!t in ’96, domestic abuse! Everybody’s doing it: OJ, Warren Moon, Billy Dee Williams … Billy Dee Williams, Billy Dee Williams beating on women! What the f*ck is the world coming to? Say it isn’t so! Billy Dee Williams! What? I guess he must have had a little too much Colt 45. (A malt liquor) You know what they say, “There’s no reason to ever hit a woman.” Sh!t! There’s a reason to hit everybody. You just don’t do it. Sh!t, there’s a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don’t do it. Ain’t nobody above an ass-whooping. Ok? Anybody can give you a reason to hit him. And women know this for a fact. Women ??? women know this for a fact there ain’t nothing more crazy, nothing more out of control, nothing more likely to embarrass you in a f*cking restaurant than a woman that knows you ain’t gonna hit her! When a woman is with a man she knows a 100% ain’t gonna hit her, oh! She can’t wait for him to do something wrong so she can yell at him like a little boy. “What the f*ck are you gonna do? Kiss my ass! I don’t care where we are, just kiss my ass! “you punk ???, you punk ass! F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you!” And the man’s like, “How the f*ck did we get here?” I’ll tell you how you got there. You had an argument with your woman, you went too far and that was it for you. And women know you can go too far. She’s like: “You can’t.” Yes, you can go too f*cking far! I am a man, and if I’m having an argument with a man that’s bigger than me I know there is a zone I don’t go into. Ok? A zone I don’t f*ck with, ok? Then women, women will go at you, they don’t give a f*ck. They’ll spit on you, they hit you: “What the f*ck are you gonna do? What the f*ck are you gonna do?” Then she says something… they say the wrong thing, something like: “That’s why your mother’s a b!tch!” And she knows she went too far! Then she braces herself for the hit like … then the hit don’t come, she’s like: “Oh, I’ve got him now! “You little dick motherf*cker, kiss my ass! Little dick motherf*cker! Yeah, I don’t give a f*ck! “Yeah, I’ve f*cked all your friends, that’s right! Yes, I did that! I tossed the salad, child!” No, I do not think it’s cool to hit women, I do not do that sh!t. I do not think it’s cool, I never hit a woman in my life and would never hit a woman. I do not do that sh!t. I would never ever hit a woman in my life, never! That ain’t cool! I would never hit a woman. No! But I would shake the sh!t out of a woman! “What’s wrong with you? Are you crazy, woman? “I’ll kill you, girl! What the f*ck are you tossing salad for? “Are you crazy? Are you ??? sh!t, shut the f*ck up! “Shut the f*ck up! Shut up! I’ll let go when you shut up! “I’ll shake this wig off your head! “I don’t give a f*ck! Shut up! Shut the f*ck up! “Now I let you go … and you’re gonna sit down here, you’re gonna f*cking eat your food … “We’re gonna argue when we get home, right? I want to hear no sh!t! “You’re gonna f*cking eat your f*cking food, and we’re gonna argue when we get home, ok? “Ok? Ok? I’m gonna let you go and ??? I don’t wanna hear no sh!t! “Problems?” Now we’ve got a lot of things… a lot of racism going on in the world right now. Who’s more racist, black people or white people? It’s black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don’t like about black people, black people really don’t like about black people. There’s some sh!t going on with black people right now. It’s like a civil war is going on between black people and there’s two sides: there’s black people and there’s n*ggas. The n*ggas have got to go. Every time black people want to have a good time, ignorant n*ggas f*ck it up! You can’t do sh!t! You can’t do sh!t without some ignorant n*ggas f*cking it up! You can’t do nothing, you can’t keep a disco open for more than 3 weeks … Grand opening, grand closing! You can’t go to a movie the first week it comes out, why? ‘Cause n*ggas are shooting at the screen! What kind of ignorant sh!t is that? “Hey, this is a good movie, this movie’s so good I gotta bust a cap in here!” Hey, I love black people, but I hate n*ggas! Oh, I hate n*ggas! Boy, I wish they’d let me join the Ku Klux Klan! Sh!t, I’d do a drive-by from here to Brooklyn! I am tired of n*ggas, man! You can’t have sh!t when you around n*ggas, You can’t have sh!t. You can’t have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope n*ggas think it’s a bassinet. Can’t have sh!t in your house! Why?! Because n*ggas will break into your house. N*ggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, “I heard you got robbed!” N*gga, you know you robbed me. You ain’t hear sh!t ’cause you was doing sh!t! Damn! I am tired of n*ggers! Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired of n*ggas, man. Damn, You know what’s the worst thing about n*ggas? N*ggas always want some credit for some sh!t they’re supposed to do. For some sh!t that you’re supposed to do! A n*gga will brag about some sh!t a normal man just does. A n*gga will say some sh!t like, “I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherf*cker! What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What kind of ignorant sh!t is that? “I ain’t never been to jail!” What do you want, a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherf*cker! Man, I am tired of this sh!t! And you know what is the worst thing about n*ggas, the worst thing about n*ggas? N*ggas love to not know. Nothing makes a n*gga happier than not knowing the answer to your question. Just ask n*gga a question. Anything! “What is the capital of Zaire?” “I do not know that sh!t!” “Keepin’ it real!” N*ggas love to keep it real! Real dumb! N*ggas hate knowing! Sh!t! So if the n*ggas break into your house, you want to save your money? Put them in your books! ‘Cause n*ggas don’t read! Just put the money in the books! Sh!t, a book is like kryptonite to a n*gga! “Here’s a book!” “Nooooo! Nooooo, noooo a book!” I’m tired of this sh!t, man. Your kids can’t f*cking play nowhere. Every year the space gets smaller. “Ok, you go from that corner to that corner. “You can go from that gate to that gate.” By the time he’s ten he’s just hopping in the circle … I’m tired of this sh!t, man! Tired, tired, tired! Be-bop-bo-peek-a-boo, I hate n*ggers! I’m tired of this sh!t, man! Tired, man! N*ggas are just ignorant, love being ignorant and are singing about ignorance! I heard some song the other day: “It’s the first of the month …” N*ggas are singing welfare carols! “On the first day a welfare my true love gave to me” “I wish you a merry Welfare and a happy Foodstamps!” What the f*ck is going on? What the f*ck is going on? Now they’ve got some sh!t, they’re trying to get rid of welfare. Though every time you see welfare they always show black people. Black people don’t give a f*ck about welfare. N*ggaz are shaking in their boots! “Oh, they’re gonna take our sh!t!” Sh!t, a black man who’s got two jobs, goes to work every day, hates a n*gga on welfare. “N*gger, get a job! I’ve got two, you can’t get one? “I’d give your lazy ass one of mines, but you’ll get f*cked up, and get laid off, “And they wouldn’t hire another n*gger for ten years!” Sh!t! A black woman, they’ve got two kids, going to work every day, busting her ass, hates a b!tch with nine kids getting a welfare! “Hey b!tch, stop f*cking! Stop f*cking! Stop it! “Put the dick down! “Put it down, get a job! Yes, you can get a job, “Get a job holding dicks. Whatever you do, get paid to do it!” I’m tired of this sh!t, man. Tired, tired, tired! It ain’t all black people on welfare, sh!t. White people are on welfare too. But we can’t give a f*ck about this. We’ve just got to do our own thing. You can’t go, “Oh, they’re f*cked up? We could be f*cked up!” That’s ignorant! White people don’t ????. First of all, they’re trying to make it look like… there ain’t even that many black people in the country, ok? Black people are 10% of the f*cking population, Black people are in New York, DC, LA, Chicago, Atlanta … like, ten places, ok? Ok? Ten places … there ain’t no black people in Minnesota! All you find… the only black people in Minnesota are Prince and Kirby Puckett, ok? Sh!t, the whole rest of the country, the other 40 states, is filled up with broke-ass white people! Broke-ass, living in a trailer home, eating mayonnaise sandwiches, f*cking their sister, listening to John Cougar Mellancamp records! Sh!t, get the f*ck out of here, man! “And they need your help!” No, man! Now I see some black people looking at me, “Man … “… Why you gotta say that? “Why you gotta say that? It ain’t us, it’s the media. It ain’t us, it’s the media. “The media has distorted our image to make us look bad. “Why must you come down on the likes of us like that, brother? It ain’t us, it’s the media! ” Please, cut the f*cking sh!t, ok? Ok? Ok? When I go to the money machine at night, right? I ain’t looking over my back for the media, I’m looking for n*ggas! Sh!t, Ted Koppel ain’t never took sh!t from me! N*ggas have! So do you think I’ve got three guns in the house because of the media outside? Oh sh!t, Mike Wallace! Run! Get the f*ck out of here, man! I’m tired of this sh!t. Tired, tired, tired of this sh!t! I do not know, I need to go back to school. That’s what I’m gonna do. Oh  I need to go to school. But you know, if you’re black, you get more respect coming out of jail than school. You get no respect coming out of school. You come out of jail you’re the f*cking man! “Whatsup, n*gga” You come out of school nobody gives a f*ck. “Hey man, I got out of school, I got my master’s!” “So what, b!tch? “You punk-ass b!tch! Don’t come round with all that reading and sh!t! “Do not come round with all that counting, sh!t, I can count too: 1, 2, 4, 5, so what? “I’m counting these rocks, biatch!” You can have a master’s degree, n*ggas don’t care. “Hey man, I’ve got my master’s!” “What, you’re my master now?” “I should ??? listen to your punk ass? F*ck you, n*gger! “F*ck you. So what you’ve got a master’s degree!? So what you’ve got a motherf*cking master’s degree? “Oh, you’re the smarty ass n*gga, huh? You’re the smarty ass n*gga! “Let me ask you this, let me ask you this: “Can you kick my ass?” Oh, n*ggas worth nothing. I dropped out of school. Dropped out. I’m sorry. Got myself a G.E.D. You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma. You know, G.E.D. is bullsh!t. So let me get this straight, I can make four years in six hours. You know, as soon as you get your GED, someone’s always got the nerve to go: “Now you can go to college!” Slow down! I think it’s obvious high school is busting my ass. You can’t go to no college with no GED! All you can go to with a GED is a community college. You know why are they called community colleges? Cause anybody in a community can go, “crackheads, prostitutes, drug dealers, come on in!” Community college is like a disco with books. “Here’s ten dollars, let me get my learn on!” So I went to community college, and I said ??? : “Let me take some sh!t I know.” So I took a Black history class. I’ve got to know this, I’m black, right? I get a B just for showing up, right? Wrong! Failed. Ain’t that some sad sh!t? A black man failing black history… that’s sad…. ‘Cause, you know, fat people don’t fail cooking! “That’s paprika!” Failed Black history. Why? ‘Cause I didn’t know sh!t about Africa! Cause you know, you go to white schools, you learn Europe up the ass. Never learn sh!t about… I still don’t know sh!t about Africa. The only thing I know about Africa it’s far. Africa is far, far away. Africa’s like a 35-hour flight. So you know that boat ride was really long! The boat ride is so long there are still slaves on their way here! I didn’t know nothing at school. All I knew was Martin Luther King. That’s what they would teach you at school about blacks: Martin Luther King! That was my answer to everything, “Martin Luther King!” “What is the capital of Zaire?” “Martin Luther King!” “Can you tell us the name of the woman that would not leave her seat on the bus?” “Oh, that’s hard … “Are you sure it was a woman? “Oh, I’ve got it! Martina Luther King!” You know what is sad, man? Martin Luther King stood for non-violence. Now what’s Martin Luther King? A street! And I don’t give a f*ck where you are in America, if you’re on a Martin Luther King Boulevard, there is some violence going down! It ain’t the safest place to be. You can’t call nobody telling them you’re lost on MLK … “I’m lost, I’m on the Martin Luther King …” “Run! Run! Run!” “The media’s there!” Sad, sad, sad! Now, a lot of women are here tonight. That’s good. I like women. My mother is a woman and that helps. You know a cool thing about women? Women get to have platonic friends. “He’s my pal, he’s my bud … “He is my platonic friend, I love him like a brother! “He’s my bud, my platonic friend!” Men don’t have platonic friends, ok? We just have women we haven’t f*cked yet! “As soon as I’m figuring this out, I’m in there!” We’ve got some platonic friends, we all do, I’ve got some but they’re all by accident! Every platonic friend I’ve got is some woman I was trying to f*ck … … I made a wrong turn somewhere … … And ended up in the Friend Zone! “Oh, no, I am in the Friend Zone!” Women keep platonic friends forever. Why? Because you never know … That’s right, they get rid of their girlfriends every 6 months! “What happened to Pam?” “She thinks she’s cute.” But they keep the platonic friends forever, why? ‘Cause you never know … “What happened to Carol?” “I can’t hang with her!” But they keep the platonic friends forever, why? ‘Cause you never know … Do you know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It’s like a dick in a glass case. “In case of emergency break open glass.” Fellas, if your woman’s got platonic friends that’s who she’ll be f*cking when you mess up! One of them guys wouldn’t even be thinking about it, boy. She’ll be crying on his shoulder: “I can’t believe this happened, I am so glad you’re here …” That’s right! It’s gonna happen to you! You know the next man who’ll f*ck your woman. You’ve met him, he’s been at your house, he ate your food, he drank your wine! And he shall betray you! One thing I learned about women: Guys, never ask a woman how many men she slept with! ‘Cause you don’t want to know. Just be happy you’re f*cking her now. Why do you want to know? You ain’t discovering sh!t! You ain’t putting a flag nowhere. Just be happy you’re …. her now. Why, why do you want to know? Why, why do you want to know? First of all, no matter what she’s saying, it is too much for you. No matter what she says. She can go: “Two.” And you’re like: “Two?!” “Two? Two?! No, no, no! Two? Two?! “I guess that’s how you were raised …” Women are liars. ??? cause she’s gonna lie. Women will lie about how many guys she f*cked in court! They don’t care. “Yes, I swear” “uh, uh …” Yes! If she says three, that’s ten! ‘Cause you’ve got to give every woman like a 7-dick curve. That’s more like 3 dicks in the 8th power! And women, you all think you are slick, no you ain’t slick … I know the game, I’ve watched them folks. ???? If you ask a woman how many guys she f*cked, she’s not gonna tell you how many guys she f*cked. She’ll tell you how many boyfriends she had. ‘Cause women only count their boyfriends. That’s right, they don’t count all those miscellaneous dicks they had. That guy they met at the club … The guy they f*cked in the club that night, or that time they f*cked Bobby Brown! The guy they f*cked in Jamaica: “That’s another country, it doesn’t count!” “I thought we were just talking about domestic dicks!” Women got it good. Good, good, good, good, good. I don’t know. I feel sorry for them sexually sometimes. Because men we only have one responsibility: knock it out, that’s it. Be good in bed – that’s your only responsibility. Women, you know, they can be good, but sometimes they’re trying not to be too good, you know what I mean? Sometimes women have to ration out their p*ssy, you know? So they want a man to think he’s got a good woman, but do not want him to think he’s got a ???. And so they’ve got to ration out their p*ssy. “Ok, I’m gonna f*ck him now, but I won’t suck his dick for two weeks.” “All right, I’m gonna suck his dick now, but I won’t lick his balls till next month.” “All right, I’m gonna lick his balls now, but I won’t lick his ass till next year!” Men, we’ve got to use all our tricks right away, whatever we’ve got, just give it….. whatever. We can hold nothing back. We don’t know if there’s gonna be a return engagement. So we’ve to to go for it ????. I just don’t know … I’ve just had ??? another phase in my life, at another point in my life, you know. It’s time to settle down, time to settle down. That’s what time it is, time to settle down. Women are always ready to settle down. Sh!t, woman goes to four good dates, she’s like, “Why we bullsh!t? ??? “What are you waiting for?” Men are never ready to settle down. Men don’t settle down. We surrender! “All right, all right, I’ll marry you, that’s right! ??? “All right, dammit! Ok. Just tell me the day before and I’ll be there, ok?” No offense, but you’ve got… every man’s got… especially man, you’ve got to settle down. Do you know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Any club you go into, there’s always one old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club. You do not want to be that brother. So you’ve got to settle down. So I get to a point in life where you’ve got to figure out what is important to you. On the one hand you’ve got commitment. You and your woman together. Living, sharing, loving, growing. It is the most beautiful thing in the world. And you know that. But before you can settle down, you’ve got to get over this other sh!t … That’s right, ’cause every man’s got a choice to make. Every single man in here has got a choice to make. And you know what that choice is. Commitment … … Or new p*ssy! That is the question! Commitment … or new p*ssy! You know, commitment may give you a headache every now and then … … new p*ssy always clears your mind! But you’ve got to think about life in the long term. Now, people tell you life is short. No, it is not. Life is long. Especially if you make the wrong decisions! And in the long term … … If I’m sick, is new p*ssy going to take care of me? No! If I’m hungry, is new p*ssy going to feed me? New p*ssy can’t cook! If I’ve got a baby, is new p*ssy going to teach him how to read? New p*ssy is illiterate! So I’ve got to come back to commitment. And turn this old p*ssy into new p*ssy! That’s right, I’ve got to recycle the p*ssy! I’ve got to recycle the p*ssy! Because that’s what a relationship is all about: recycling, keeping it new. If it ain’t new, it’s through! But fellas, if you decide to commit, you’ve got to commit. You’ve got to commit. Can’t cheat. Wanna cheat? Can’t cheat! Dying to cheat? Can’t cheat! ??? Can’t wait to cheat? Can’t cheat! Sh!t, some guys have got to go to rehab not to cheat! It is hard not to cheat. Women don’t want to hear that sh!t, it’s hard not to cheat! Do you know why it is hard not to cheat? ‘Cause women like men that are in relationship. Guys know what I’m talking about. When you were single, nobody was thinking about your ugly ass. But then your woman got a hold of you, she cut your hair, washed you down, gave you a Life Saver, wiped out the crusts around your eyes … … Now everybody wants to f*ck you! When you were single, nobody was calling your ass up! Now your phone’s ringing off the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls, like: “Hey, what are you doing? You know, me and my girlfriend are having a dick-sucking contest” “And we thought you’d be a good judge.” You never got that call when you were single. Now you get it every Tuesday! But you can’t cheat! Can’t cheat! And you know why? ‘Cause you’re gonna get caught! You’re gonna get… I don’t care who you are, you’re 007 you’re gonna get caught! You are gonna get caught. And you don’t want to get caught. Well, I’d rather get caught stealing some sh!t from the government than to get caught cheating on a woman. ‘Cause I got caught out there ????. Five years ago. I remember like it was yesterday. The woman found two condoms in my pocket … … but it was a pack of three! And all I heard was: “Where’s the other condom? “Where’s the other condom? Where the f*ck is the other condom? Where is the condom?” Yo, women are just like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they want the confession! “I know you did it, just admit it. “I know you did it, just admit it. “I know you did it, I’ve got it all filmed! “I know you did it, just admit it. “I found a blond hair. You was f*cking a cracker-ass cracker ???, was you? “I know you did it, just admit it. “Can you be a man? Can you be a f*cking man? “??? I wasn’t good? Did she toss your salad? “I know you did, just admit it.” And if that don’t work, the woman will get psychological on your ass ???. They’ll try to trick you into confessing. Then they start going, “It’ll be all right if you just say you did it. “It’ll be all right if you just say you did it. “Honey, it’ll be all right if you just say you did it.” And you hear that sh!t 900 times, you start losing your mind. You start thinking: “I guess it’ll be all right … “… If I just say I did it! “Honey, I did it, it’s all right?” “No, it ain’t ??? ! I can’t believe you did that!” “But I thought you said you knew it.” “I didn’t know till you told me!” And time goes by … and she forgives you! But she never forgets! And you’re driving to your grandmother’s house and say, “Oh, babe, I’ll make a right turn right here.” “Did you make a right with that b!tch? “From now on, no matter where we are going, it’s all left turns, do you understand?” And you know what the craziest sh!t is? You cheated on your wife. She shouldn’t be trusting you no more. But she does. Eventually she does. But you know what happens now? Now you don’t trust her! You cheated on her, and now you don’t trust her. What kind of ignorant sh!t is that? You know what happened? You have just f*cked around your woman. You know what happens when you f*ck around your woman? You just gave her a get-some-dick free card! And you never know when she’s going to cash it in! You might get to the point she found that you were cheating, she wants to break up. If she wants to break up, run! You got off lucky! But you ain’t gonna get that lucky, no, no, no! As soon as you get to the door she’s like, “No, no! “Let’s work it out!” You know what “work it out” means? Payback! You know what the first part of payback is? You ain’t getting no p*ssy for a long time! Boy, you ain’t gonna get no p*ssy until the Bills win the Super Bowl! And she’s gonna make sure you are getting no new p*ssy either, because she’ll give you a beeper, a cellular phone, a car phone, ??? anklet like a prisoner … … And every time you leave the house you’ll have to check in: “I’m outside. I’m on the court. I’m in the car. I’m on the road. I’m at the supermarket. “I bought a packet of fries ???. I am coming home. I got some butter. I’m on my way. I run a red light. The cops are chasing me. “They’re chasing me. They are chasing me. I run out of the car. “They shot me in the leg. I’m hopping. I’m hopping. I’m almost home. I’m almost home. I’m in the driveway. “I’m right next to you. I LOVE YOU!” Thanks! Thank you! Thanks!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Izzard – Glorious (1997) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-glorious-1997-full-transcript/

(Siren) Well, Times Square. I just had to do a show right here and it’s brilliant to do it in Times Square because there’s always a bunch of people who can hang around and watch me talk complete rubbish. (d Suede: Filmstar) D Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d I’ve lost my comedy! (Phone) Hello? You’ve gotta be on the edge. There’s no one at the fire station. Some people are not on the edge, they’re right on the lid. (Deep male voice) ‘As you’ve never seen him.’ You will be the movie, you will be the star. You don’t love me any more! ‘International comedian.’ …avec la couronne. I love your work. It’s very good, isn’t it? Don’t worry, I’ll come. ‘Edward J Izzard… ‘ Do you think it’s easy to wear lipstick? (Siren) ‘… enters the American dream.’ I want to be bigger than McDonald’s. The first image we wanna get across is girls. Why don’t we go to bed? A lot of sex. We need a stand-in. Still goes like a rocket. I’m willing to prostitute myself. Not in a tacky way, in a good way. Fighting. Oi, Tracey. My name is not Tracey. I wanna live till I die, no more, no less. (Barking) (Man) ‘You can’t fight off the speed of the life he lives.’ Leave me a-fucking-lone! Moody. Moody. Pressure. I don’t give a shit about those girls in Paris. We need a section on your background. I was born in Yemen. So I’ve got to say I was born in France? The horror! I want money, fame and integrity too. All right, I was born in there. Danger could be my middle name. But it’s John. (Cheering, whistling) Hammersmith Apollo! Was Hammersmith Odeon, now Hammersmith Apollo! Labatt’s Apollo? Er, no. Erm. Large drink, I think, erm. Hamburger Albert Hall McDonald’s Burger Thing. New future of eating things. Strange, yeah? And Apollo, the god of the sun. Odeon, god of popcorn and, er, Coca-Cola and cinemas. I don’t know what’s going on there. So, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo. Sorry about the cameras tonight, I hope it doesn’t get in the way. If you’re pissed off then I’ll pull them out and throw them in the street. Good, no, everyone’s fine. We’ll still just do the show cool. Occasionally, the lights might come up at the side and you’ll go, “Oh, I can see myself.” We just want to know you’re still there. So there might be a few things but I’ll be extra funny tonight, just for you people, an extra 10% funny. You can’t check, can you? Ah. Unless you came every night with a laughometer. “Well, five. Fuckin’ hell.” So. D Dum-de dum… d Comedy, big fuck-off room d Er, forgotten it now. Oh, yes, the Old Testament, the beginning of the world. The Old Testament. That’s where stuff began, in the Christian version of things. Everyone had beards, big fuck-off beards in the Old Testament. And the deep voices “Oh, I say to you. “And Elijah and the clouds and chariots… The burning bush. “Oh, beard on fire, shit. “Into the Dead Sea. “Ooh, a goatee.” Even the dogs in the Old Testament – big beards. “Woof, woof, I say to you. A biscuit? Thank you.” In English comic books, “woof, woof’. In French comic books, “ouah, ouah”. Aah! So. So, God created the world in seven days. A foolish brag, I feel. If I was God I’d say, “I’m going to create the world over a number of days. “Not sure how long, might be a bit pressed, you know.” Too much pressure, seven days dead. Do it like Microsoft – “It’ll be done by Saturday, Tuesday, next week. “We’ll bring it out when we’re fucking ready, right?” I think God was actually in bed and his mum said, “Get out of bed, God, you’ll miss the best part of the day.” His mum was Mrs Badcrumble. “Get out of bed…” (Audience cheer) She’s just my clarinet teacher, right. “Get up, you’ll miss the best part of the day.” And God, who was James Mason, said, “No, I won’t get out of bed, Mother, “because I haven’t yet created the best part of the day. Ah. “Ah, can’t get me on that one. Box clever, you see.” “Oh, you wee young scallywag. “I’ll box you a bit later.” So. So then God created the world and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam, more jam, perhaps, and, er, and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go “urh” and… and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, “I can’t remember what I’ve invented now. “I’ve just been ad-libbing so far.” And so everything built up through the days. You know how if you’ve got a deadline, everything builds up. On the seventh day God was in a panic, “Oh, what haven’t I…? “Rwanda, better create Rwanda. “Oh, sorry, haven’t quite done that. The Tower of Pisa. “It’s leaning, oh, damn. “Toilets in French camping sites, there we go. “English football hooligans, whatever that is. “Mrs Thatcher’s heart. There we… Oh, fuck that. “I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work. There we go.” (Applause) The next week people are coming back going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well. “The infrastructure is fucked.” “I’m terribly sorry, I’ll put some more jam here. And… “And a mountain of cabbages and a radiator.” “Thank you, that’s just what we wanted.” This is them dragging Rwanda back to lay it out on the map. No one got that. Never do that piece again. So, stuff happened. Yes, it unfolded. And Cain killed Abel, fatted calf, “doof’, erm. And there came a period a number of centuries later when God said, “No, no, everything is bad. “I will send a flood, kill everything and start again.” It was the Etch A Sketch end of the world, basically. No, no. “Don’t know what that is, don’t recognise that any more.” Remember with Etch A Sketch when you’d done a house and a sun at the top, you’d try to do a dog down here and you had to leave vapour trails all the way along. Oh, bugger it. So God said, “I will sent a flood. 40 days, 40 nights and lots of umbrellas. “But I will save two of everything because it looks good on a seesaw photo.” Two hippos. “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an ark.” And Noah, with Sean Connery playing the role, “I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. “It’s much more exciting – “bigger engine and it can shoot across the water like that.” “No, I want an ark with a big room for poo.” “Look, a speedboat, it’ll kick ass. “Lt’ll give great photos to the people in the Bible. “We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side. “Look fucking excellent. Excellent photographs.” “No, you’ll build me an ark. You can put a big engine in that if you want.” “OK, I suppose. “It’s a compromise.” So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the ark. (Sawing noise) It’s not how you start sawing. You start by going… (Faster sawing) It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? (Fast sawing) Then you get into that middle bit. (Slower sawing) Which feels good. Where you feel like your dad. Your dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage “to saw a plank of wood in half.” (Slow sawing noise) Ker-dunk. “There we go. “Now, Dr Bronowski on Sunday television. “The Ascent Of Man.” (Snores) Sundays with my dad, that was. No, you want a speed saw, much quicker. N-zuh. Hoh-hah. Those power saws, much better. The sawing has a difficult start, then it goes a bit better and by the end it’s back to, (Fast sawing) And after a while Noah realised he was actually punching a baboon. Ooh-ooh-ooh! “Stop hitting me.” Ooh-ooh-ooh! “Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep.” “I’m not punching you, this is my mime. “I’m making an ark, get out of my mime. I don’t want you in mime.” “What have you got against baboons in mime?” “Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime. “Not on my mime. “It’s my motto – ‘No baboons in mime’.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?” “I did before but I don’t now.” So, he built an ark and that was great and then he collected two of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one a bit punch-drunk. “He was hitting me, I didn’t know what was going on.” He was going, “What have we got here? Two dogs, OK. “Long ears? Along the side, please. “I’ll explain it to you later. “Two sheep? Well done. On you get, sit along the side there. “Two cats, small ears? Inside the boat. “Two ducks?” The ducks are going, “We’re not coming.” “There’s going to be an enormous fuck-off flood.” “So? “What’s the big problem?” There’s a huge hole in the whole flood drama because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free and it was the idea to kill everything. He didn’t say, “I will kill everything except the floating ones and the swimming ones “who will get out due to a loophole.” In a James Mason voice. “I will kill everything “except the floating ones and the swimming ones… “Loophole. “Sorry, I was offstage in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.” So, yes. Anything that could float – your bad ducks, your bad geese, your bad swans. “Haaa”. Bad ducks going, “Quack, quack, quack, ooh. Blargh.” “Ha ha.” They’re the spitting ducks. Your bad fish. “Boh.” Bad pilot fish with those little lights on the top. Evil pilot fish. Really bad. The ones that go round in twos and swim up to other fish with their lights at the front. And the other fish go, “No, it’s a car coming towards me! Ah!” Whoosh! “Hey! “Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! “I know your dad.” That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. “Don’t know what just happened there.” Yes. So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. With humans, we understand the idea of good and bad, of evil and very, very good, saintly, I suppose. But with animals – what, in fact, is an evil giraffe? “I will eat all the leaves on this tree. “I will eat more leaves than I should “and then other giraffes may die. “Ah-ha-ha. “I am an evil herbivore.” It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no one has seen them. Ha-ha.” But with dogs, we do have “bad dog”. “Bad dog” exists. “Bad dog! “Bad dog, stole a biscuit, bad dog.” The dog’s saying, “Who are you to judge me? “You human beings have had wars against people of different creeds and colours “and I stole a biscuit? “Is that a crime? “People of the world!” “Well, if you put that way, I suppose you’ve got a point. “Have another biscuit, sorry.” That’s a dog owned by a giraffe. Yes! I’m quite interested in death in a kind of morbid way. Erm. Which goes together. Well, death just happens. Boom and vmph, and that’s just it. There. Erm, confusing beast. Some people have the life force. My gran had it, she just would not check out. She had three strokes and was paralysed down the left-hand side. She was still in there, “I’m sticking here.” The Grim Reaper must have been on her shoulder. “Come, old lady, it is your time. “We go to the Land of the Dead. “Come, we will travel across the River Styx on my boat. “Two, please. “One and one OAP. “What? Are you coming?” My gran’s still at home. “No, I’m not coming. “Got stuff to do. I’ve got to sit around and talk weird for a couple of years.” Which was the unfortunate downside of the stroke thing. I kept visiting her and I was her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law, her brother’s son, it shuffled around. She was a very energetic woman. You know, at a certain age, you get the gran’s coat that they go round in and the cake on the head type thing. “20 Rothmans, please. Thank you.” That was me gran. The Grim Reaper must have a tough time because women don’t die, they go on. Men just go, 65, boom. “Come on, where’s your stamina? Ah.” D “Bom-bom-bom. I am a gran, I live forever” d The Grim Reaper, “I could not get the women, they would not come. “I got the men, the men are all lined up.” “Yes, thank you, we’re ready for bed. “Can we get pyjamas, please?” “No pyjamas in the Land of the Dead.” “I was told pyjamas in the brochure.” “I don’t think…” “Yes, pyjamas…” “No…” “But…” “No…” “Ooh!” “Ooh!” “Oh, I’ve got your scythe, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on.” “It was a mime problem. “There’s a baboon here, what’s he doing here?” “I don’t know, someone was punching me, I’m just in the line.” God is there in the Land of the Dead, “Grim Reaper, you could not get the women?” Sorry, in my James Mason voice, “You could not get the women? What was the problem? “Didn’t you reap them with your grim reaping equipment?” “I tried that. But the women, they all know hopscotch. “And they leapt over.” They did and it’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch was bizarre for boys because boys never played. As a boy I was behind walls going, “What happens? What do they do? “What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with mystic numbers – one, five, seven, eight, you know. A bit of a broken doll there. Some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope. In case the clergy came by – “Run, run, it’s the clergy! “Run, it’s the Pope and everyone.” They do that skipping stuff, don’t they? Young girls and huge fuck-off boxers are the two groups of people that have a joining line. “Jam, elephants, peanuts, elephant and dung, jumping up and down… “Change!” (Mumbles) And huge fuck-off boxers are doing the same thing – “One, elephant…” (Mumbles) Boom. I’ve never seen young girls and big fuck-off boxers do it at the same time. (Mumbles in deep voice) (Mumbles in high voice) The impressions here are kind of sketchy. (Mumbles in high voice) “You have a very high voice for a boxer.” (High voice) “Yes, I do.” (Deep voice) “I have a very deep voice for a girl.” Sorry, I was talking about hopscotch. Hopscotch, this strange religious experience. All the numbers and there was one girl on the course, they go girl by girl. D Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques, dormez-vous? D I think that was training for this with the leg stuff. D Sonnez les matines d And at some point she’d go, “Oh, no, I fucked it up. Oh.” And boys watching would go, “What? Did what wrong? “Fucked up what? What did they do right? It makes no sense.” And they’d all drift off and boys would walk over the course – “What happened here? We should do an archaeolo… loshical dig.” “We should do a what?” “An archaeological dig. My tongue got stuck in my back tooth. “Checking for stuff.” Thank you, one person. So, that’s just true. We were kids, we grew up, we end up doing things, the job thing. The careers officer comes to school – I was going to be in the army, ended up doing stand-up comedy. Slightly different. Slightly more make-up the way I went. Army’s only got that night-time look and, er… It doesn’t work for me. This is true, in the army thing, I liked that running, jumping, standing still. “I can see you in a tree, aha,” part of it. So, stand-up comedy – vocation. You can’t just fall into it. There’s others, like taxidermist. You can’t go, “I was working in a chip shop “then I started stuffing animals with sand.” You’ve got to want it. “I wanna be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. “I want to get more sand into an animal “than anyone’s ever bloody got in an animal. “I want to fill a rat with the entire Gobi desert “so it’s really quite tight.” They should put more things in, sand gets boring. “Porridge. I’m doing this one with porridge.” B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun. “Your dog’s finished, I filled him with porridge. Thbpth!” “It’s a bit floppy.” “Yeah, that’s porridge for you. “You’ve got a two-level effect.” “That’s got a nine-level effect.” “I’ve done your cat – he’s with helium.” “It’s a bit high up.” “That’s helium for you. “There’s no height restriction. “Do you want it here?” Woosh. Pah. “In fact, grab hold, I’ve got two controls.” “What? Oh, right, I see. Er.” There’s a cat going whoo, whoo. With that fixed expression. Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist. “I’ve done your dog. He’s got nine eyes down the side, “I’ve made his head all square. 15 legs, what do you think?” “Er, Fido looks a bit weird.” Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes. They’ve got to want to be… “I want to be a beekeeper, I want to keep bees. “I don’t want them to get away, I want to keep them. “They have too much freedom. “I want bees on elastic so when they get pollen they come back here. “My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. “I want to walk in their footsteps – which were like this – Aaaah! “Aaaah! I’m covered in bees! Aaaah! “Covered in bees!” Cos that’s your job, isn’t it? Beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You’re there, you’ve got the netting, you’ve got 2,000 bees. (Droning) And essentially you’re trying to steal honey. (Droning) “Morning, morning, morning, morning. “Hello. Knock knock. Coming in, hello. “Look, there’s a Ferrari over there, can you see that Ferrari? “Yes, it’s going very fast, isn’t it? “Well, morning. Thank you.” They must be walking back with all these bees around and they must go “What the fuck am I doing? “I’m covered in bees! “Help! “I’m covered in bees!” You don’t get the perks of a normal job. If you work in an office, there are other people there, you can flirt. “Hey, you’re new here. How are you getting on? “Do you want a coffee? I was just getting one, I can get you one. “I like my coffee like I like my women – “in a plastic cup.” Beekeepers can’t do that, with 2,000 bees. (Droning) “Hello there, you in the street. You’re new, aren’t you?” “Urh!” “Er… Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem.” – (Droning) – “No real problem.” “I don’t want a cup of coffee from you, you’re covered in bees.” “I like my women like I like my coffee – “covered in bees. “Now back off, back off, back off. “Aaah.” They’re always just behind you, or in front. If beekeepers go on a general outing, is their van followed by a load of bees? – “Faster, faster.” – (Droning) “Faster! Put your foot down.” Yes. And they have a queen bee and we have a queen bee in this country. The monarchy system, gradually, over a period of time, has fallen apart but in Britain it’s stayed together while falling apart at the same time. And I think people become their faces, as they get older, people look how they are and the Queen is too severe. She’s… Hmm. The glasses get bigger and bigger. She’s becoming an owl. Her glasses will be bigger than her body at some point. And then she will light fires everywhere. She’ll live forever, she’s got the old woman thing. D “Bom-bom-bom. I’m the Queen, I’ll live forever d “I’ll never die, I’ll live to a million” d The Queen Mother! D “Bom-bom-bom. D “I am the Queen, I’ll live forever” d The Queen Mother is amazing, she’s got artificial hips, she has an artificial arm, a bionic eye. She cost six million dollars! (d Sings The Six Million Dollar Man Theme) De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. “Paparazzi, 2,000 yards.” De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. “Off with the tiara.” (d Resumes theme) Sh-ze-ze-de-de. (d Resumes theme) The Six Million Dollar Man, he was a bit slow really. He had amazing powers. “OK, Steve, you’ve got to get those bad guys over there.” “I’m right on it, Oscar.” (d Resumes theme) “Little bit faster, if you could, Steve. They’re going to get away.” You’re watching on telly. “Oh, I’ll get a coffee. This is taking forever.” As long as the music was going. De-de-de-de-de-de. You get back and he’s somewhere near the car. People are by the car going, “Jesus. “Oh, he’s hit me.” So, yes, the Royal Family. Hmm. Diana died, Diana died, and… Everyone’s gone quiet, what’s going on? No, I’m not doing big laugh death jokes. I don’t do those because it’s not a big funny area for me. But she did die and we were thrown by it. Some people were big fans and were having a lot of grief time. I was not a big fan. I didn’t dislike her. I preferred Diana’s direction to the Queen’s direction. The Queen’s just “Hmm”. Diana was slightly more “mm” and… So I preferred that direction but I think we were thrown because it was like a soap opera. Front page for the last four months, Dodi and Di, on holiday, and that was so in your face that you had to be thrown. It happened one night and you woke up and went, “What? Weird.” And it was something like The X-Files. That’s huge, it’s all over the world, Scully, Mulder, front page, no clothes. Erm, kinda similar, imagine if an episode came out on a Monday at 2am and they killed off the characters and we went, “What? Has it finished now? “I was watching that. “Just Monday night and…” It just throws you, you know. Scully always there, she’s so, “Look, Mulder, “I don’t believe that Martians with big elbows are taking over the world.” “There’s tons of files on that thing, Scully. You’ve got to read these files.” By the end of the show there’s Martians with big elbows everywhere. She’s swatting them off with a tennis racket, “I believe you, Scully! “Mulder.” “Do you know who you are?” Anyway. So, it happened, and so there was a mother who died, there was a lot of sympathy towards the kids, one 17, one 13, I think. That was understandable. And my dad said something to me – “My mum died when I was six and my brother was eight. “No one gave a shit.” It was interesting because a lot of people die, people at the concentration camps and no one does give a shit. There was a lot of focus on that so I don’t know how it all fits together but we were thrown. And everyone came on telly, there was Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, saying, “We’re sorry about this.” The Queen said nothing. Monday, nothing. Tuesday, Wednesday, nothing. Thursday, nothing. Friday, as if someone was pushing her in the back. “Get on!” What? It was as if Charles was there going, “Get on the bloody thing.” “But it’s not Christmas. I’m not… “Charles, it’s not Christmas. I’m on holiday in Scotland, what’s going on?” The problem with the Queen is she doesn’t know how to talk from the heart and that’s what we deal with now. Someone says, “Look, I fucked up at this” or, “I’m trying to do this.” But she’s there saying, “We’re very sorry about Diana, she died.” And you’re not connecting there. I would have more respect for the Queen if she said, “Diana, she died and that’s very sad but we didn’t get on “and she went in a different direction “but I didn’t want her to die and so that’s a sad thing.” I’d have more respect if she was upfront about it and also if she said, “About resigning the throne, I’m never gonna do that. “I’m staying here. “I’ve superglued the crown onto my head “and, as I speak, I’m strapping myself in. “Fuck off. D “I’m an old lady” d Cos she’s not going, is she? She’s not. She’s going for Queen Victoria’s record, I can see that. There’s a glint in the eye. Queen Victoria was queen for 2,000 years. And she won’t resign. What will her mother do? “I’m the mother of the Queen Mother of the King of the…” She’d be lost. She’s staying in there, superglued onto the throne. “What?” Going on holiday like this. Back in the ’50s she was quite sexy in a sort of difficult-to-believe but… But she was. In a kind of, you know, the ’50s skirts, “Fancy the Queen, yeah. Got her picture on my locker door, yeah. “Shag the Queen.” In the ’60s, London and Britain was hip for the first time since the Civil War and the Queen should have gone with it, slipstreamed in there. Short skirts, E-type Jags, cigarette. Vrooom, vrooom… Police coming up, “Hey, lady, you’re speeding.” “Fuck off, I’m the Queen.” Shoom! “Where to now, Phil? “Phil, read the map the right way up for God’s sake.” Prince Philip, he’s a card. Has the habit of saying things like, “You’re all a bunch of bastards. “Was that bad? “I don’t know what was going on.” They tumble out. “Haa!” You expect him to go on one of these ceremonial visits with a big bit of tape on. It was 1986, I think, China – a bunch of British students there, he went up and said, “Don’t stay here too long, you’ll become all slitty-eyed.” Off the map, isn’t it? Even as a joke it’s just so stupid. Like no one was going to mention it. What the fuck? He’s like some ambassador turning up saying, “You’re all fuckers, why don’t you all piss off? “Your problem is you’re all foreigners. “Bye. “Did it go well, do you think? “What phrase in particular?” Back in olden times they had a big royal screw-up, the siege of Troy. There was Helen, who became Helen of Troy but was Helen of Greek lands first, married to King Menelaus and Paris came over from Troy. He was obviously some swarthy… “Hi, my name is Paris. “Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues.” And Helen went, “Oh, I fancy him.” And voom! Next day, apparently, she shot off with him. And the whole siege of Troy began, which is the myth we had, but it’s true. They found Troy. A German archaeologist dug it up with very precise tools and… “15.7 metres down, I found it, very precise, it’s here.” In a very German way. And we have archaeology on TV. I quite like it, it’s a sort of detective thing but it’s really tricky, you know, it’s there. But it’s kind of slow on telly. It has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live TV “and we’ve dug up a millimetre of topsoil so far. “There’s men with brushes and beards. “Maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure. “We’ve found this and carbon dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited.” It’s too slow. Our attention spans are short. “We need stuff! Quick, change the channel.” We want, not slow archaeology, we want speed archaeology. We want big fuckers with diggers. “You’ve got 15 minutes to find a city.” “All right! Let’s go!” D Bam-ba-bam-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! D “Get the diggers in!” Brrr! Brrr! “What the fuck? Get that skull out of the way. “Pottery everywhere! “What have we got?” And they always find in archaeology, a series of small walls. Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We found a series of small walls, we’re very excited. “We think this proves that they had walls in olden days. “They were very small. A series of small-walled people.” And then someone, very learned with glasses, says, “The King and Queen entertained here. “1,500 courtiers and 20,000 soldiers in this room. “And elephants dancing hopscotch over there. “Mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo. Viaducts and aqueducts…” And you watch going, “You’re making this up, mate.” You just point at a series of small walls and say, “Tutankhamen played banjo in there.” Don’t know if it’s true. Anyway, siege of Troy – Helen eloped with Paris, the Greeks got fucked off and went to Troy in big ships and the siege began. The great warriors were there – Agamemnon, famous warrior, Ajax, famous toilet cleaner, and Achilles, immortal man, immortal body except he had an Achilles heel. What an irony. “You mean I’m called Achilles, Mum, and I have an Achilles heel as well? “I’ll be a laughing stock. “Oh, bloody hell.” Achilles must have gone into battle like this. “Get off! Get off the heel, get off! You buggers.” The Trojans with crabs and lobsters… “Get them on his heel.” “No, not the crabs and lobsters! Aah! Aah! “Come on, you buggers, I’ve got my foot…” If I was Achilles, I’d put my foot in a fuck-off block of concrete. For starters. Then ptoo, ptoo, ptoo – arrows shooting off everywhere. “Ha-ha-ha-ha! “Block of concrete. No problem at all. “See these swords here? Thbpth! “No problem.” Wa-oo, wa-oo, wa-oo! “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” The slight downside – he’d have a maximum radius after that. “Could you come over here, please? “Could you come over here? “Could you come over here, please? I’ve got something to show you. “I can’t show you unless you come over here. Damn.” He’d have to put wheels on the block of concrete. (Squeaks) But we know trolleys. They don’t quite work like this. It’d be… (Squeaks) “Thanks for waiting.” Much better would be to have a hovercraft bottom bit on. (High-pitched hum) (Descending hum) Thbpth! (Ascending hum) And after a hard day’s battle he could get home and change from blow to suck. (High-pitched hum) “Mum, the plug needs moving.” Booo. It’s the noise that’s the best fun in hoovering. Booo. Oooh. Booo! Oooh! Booo! Oooh! Until it breaks. “I’ve bust it, Mum.” Good strong Hoovers are good. (Low hum) Sometimes you’re hoovering away and it makes that funny noise. Jig-a-jig-a-jig-a-jig-a. And you carry on hoovering, thinking, “Was that a bit of grit? “Was that a piece of money? “Or was that the Treasure of the Sierra Madre? “Must know, must find out, what’s in it? “Ah, it’s a bit of grit. Damn.” But the power Hoovers are much better than those old Pushmi-pullyu no-power… Hod-de-de-de-de. With little turny brushes. And the dust would say, “What exactly are you trying to do?” (Comic accent) “We’re trying to whisk you. “Whisk you into the hod-de-de-de.” “But we’re coming straight back down again.” “I don’t know about that, you know? I’m just a hod-de-de-de.” “Where exactly are you from?” “I don’t know, man, I got this crazy accent. “I’ve no idea.” So, anyway, Achilles was there. Remember? He had this Achilles heel and that’s because all his important stuff was in there. His brain, liver, lungs and spleen. Everything. The rest of his body was empty except for potpourri. Which is a genius invention. Someone said, “I will take stuff that fell from trees, put underarm deodorant on it “and sell it to posh people.” Who buy it! “50 quid a jar? Thank you very much. (Posh English accent) “Thank you, this is wonderful. Big ribbon. Thank you.” You couldn’t sell it to ordinary people. “Sack of potpourri, five pence a sack.” “That’s stuff that fell off trees.” “Only five pence.” Anyway, Achilles was full of it. And he died and the siege continued and after ten years of siege, the Greeks got pissed off and thought, “We’ll play one big last trick on them.” And they built a huge wooden horse, 100 metres high, wooden, hollow horse, put some soldiers inside, left it there. They built this big horse and said, “We’re going now, bye! “You’ve won, well done. Bye. “We’re in our ships. Bye. We’ve left you a big horse. “As per usual. Bye. “As you normally do in these situations we’ve left an ordinary ceremonial horse. “Bye. Thought you’d like it.” It doesn’t make any sense that the Trojans believed that. After ten years you’d be pissed off, you’d leave some dog poo behind. “That’s what we think of you, you bastards.” Helen’s still in there. “We built you a big horse, we thought you’d like it.” The Greeks sailed away to make it look convincing, over the horizon, where it dips down. If you’ve ever been there. They just hid behind the horizon. So they could get a good look, they stapled fish onto their helmets. Then they turned the fish round. For accuracy. The horizon is where the water tumbles over into a huge waterfall. Underneath the waterfall is a cave and in the cave is Daniel Day-Lewis, Elisabeth Shue and a load of Mohicans and Daniel Day-Lewis is saying, “Just stay alive and I will find you, “no matter what occurs.” Then he jumps into the shower. Lost everyone. No one understands. Yeah, forget that. So they left the big horse and the Trojans came out – “Ooh, big horse, just what we’ve always wanted. “Hey, Helen, get a look at this. Big horse.” They should have checked to see whether it was hollow. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. (Deeper) Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. “Hey.” Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. “This one’s hollow, get it open.” They’d open it up and inside there’d be a load of Greeks. “Hello. “Oh, have they gone? I didn’t set the alarm this morning. Aw. “We were just cleaning up.” Hod-de-de-de-de. (High-pitched hum) Hod-de-de-de-de. “Yes, hello. Er, yes, we’re Greek. “This is Agamemnon, I’m Ajax, and this is Prince Philip of England. “Don’t say a bloody word! Do not say anything.” So, the New Testament. Erm. The New Testament, yes. That was a short beard testament, I think. And it began slap-bang on nought AD, right in the kisser. Which made the people who made calendars very happy because they were going out of their minds. “So we go five, four, three, two, one, nought and then what? “Where do we go after that? Year A, year B, what? “Call it year peh? Year flumdoo? “Year crumbadu? Do we just make it up? What do we do? “And AD – who is D?” “I can tell you that, that’s Domino – makes pizzas. Erm. “I don’t know quite what’s going on.” “We never knew who C was. BC – who’s C?” Anyway, they found out, and Mary and Joseph and baby Jee. And all the calendar people came and said, “Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing. “Six days early, actually, so, er. “But it’s Christmas so… Spirit of goodwill.” Baby Jee was there and the three wise men came from the Old Testament with big fuck-off beards. “Baby Jee, we have followed the star, “which was a lamppost for a while and we went in circles but now we are here. “We got a bit pissed somewhere near Birmingham “and now we are here with presents! “Baby Jee, we bring you gold! Ah. “We bring you frankincense. Ah. “And we bring you myrrh. Er… “Yes, I think if you rub it on the back of a duck, it goes quite fast. “That’s what… Or maybe it’s a small banjo? “If you can spell it you can have it, how about that?” Baby Jee was very happy. “Thank you for my Christmas presents. “And for my birthday presents?” “What? Christmas and birthday, isn’t it? “You were born and it’s Christmas. Two presents. Ah, you’re the first… “Are there any shops open?” Mary and Joseph – “Er, late-night petrol station, try that.” “Brilliant, good idea. We’ll be right back. “Get out, get out of it. Get the beard out the way.” 20 minutes later they came back. “Sorry, we’re here. “Baby Jee, we bring you 20 cigarettes. “A Diet Coke. “And a sack of charcoal!” (Applause) “Sack of charcoal?” “They always have them at petrol stations. “Yes, very funny gag in England and France. “Not in America – it goes down like a lead balloon.” “Don’t they have charcoal at…?” “No, they don’t.” “Did you cut it out of the show?” “No, couldn’t be buggered. “Couldn’t be buggered.” (Applause) “Just had a conversation with you about how it works in Europe but not in America.” “Oh, I see.” So, yes, Baby Jee’s very happy. “Thank you for all my presents. “But stick around cos we’re doing a Nativity play, “seeing as it’s Christmas. “Mum, the three wise men, why don’t they play the roles of the shepherds?” Cos the shepherds were missing, the sheep were running amok. They were late because they were trying to get the sheep to where Baby Jee was and there was a roadblock cos there were sheep in the road and they were trying to get them through and it was… No one ever gets that bit. You know how sheep block roads and normally a car… But if you’re trying to get sheep through… Good comedy situation, I thought. But it needs this big, vast explanation. “What’s he talking about?” So they played the three shepherds, the three wise men were played by a duck and a donkey. And Noah, who turned up, he was lead wise man. He said… (As Sean Connery) “I’ve got the speedboat out on the sea of Galilee. “If anyone wants to come for a spin, it’d be great. “If you’ve got big beards, sit on the side, they blow in the wind. “Fucking fantastic.” And Mary had no role because she was knackered. Joseph played himself and the innkeeper, which was funny. “I’d like a room.” “No rooms.” “Well… Baby Jee…” “Baby who?” “The whole calendar thing.” “My calendar’s getting a bit tired at the moment.” Where’s that bit going? So, yes, Baby Jee was there, then he grew up, grew older and died. And, er… The shortest version of that story, isn’t it? But he had some disciples, disciples, in French. One was St Peter. St Peter was the guy who said, “I don’t know him.” Cock-a-doodle. “Oh, it’s him.” That’s the speed version of that story. He left Galilee after the death of Jesus and he came to Rome, and he said, “Rome is a crazy place, I like it here, it’s brilliant. “I’m staying here – all the kids on Vespas, no helmets, brilliant.” Brrrrr… “What a sexy place. I’m gonna stay here and be a pope.” So he became the first pope. There were lots of popes. They’re guarded by the Swiss Guards, who stand proudly in pyjamas and funny hats. I think it’s a safety device. If people want to attack the pope – “Let’s get the pope, come on! “Men in pyjamas! “Oh, I can’t do this.” The Swiss Guards have Swiss Army Knives! “Ah!” (Swiss accent) “Now we have the scissors! “You have a thread there – I cut it. “Dans la poubelle. “Ah, no, small knife, big knife, small knife, big knife. Ah. “Erm. I can see you! I can see you! “You’re upside down now!” (Sawing noise) “I do not know what this one is. “And with this one I can open a can of beans in a week. “Oh, he’s escaped, he’s escaped! “Quick, tell the cardinals!” All the cardinals having a meeting to decide the new pope. All eating marmalade sandwiches. Marmalade on toast. “Right. You be the pope.” “No, you be the pope.” “No.” “Look out, the toast is burning! Oh, no!” Black smoke going up. Outside, people are watching and saying, “There’s three popes now, what’s going on in there?” And the pope, he decides who becomes a saint. And to be a saint you need three miracles. There must be some really good people with only two miracles. “Just need that last big… Hey! “Fish into baboon… type thing.” They’re there, “Your pope-ness, I have only two miracles. “My last one you disallowed – I turned wine into water.” “Yeah, but it’s not crazy, it didn’t really work for me. “It was my best vin de table, as well. “I was a bit pissed off, I was.” “Well, I have now a bloody miracle with me. This one’s brilliant. “Now, pick a card. “Don’t show me! That’s the point! “Right, now put it back in the pack. Now shuffle. “Don’t know where it is. “Is it the three of diamonds?” “It is the three of diamonds! That’s brilliant! It’s a bloody miracle! “OK, I’ll make you a saint. Well done, mate. “Saint Jeff. “And here’s your Vespa. Brrrr… “Patron saint of dangerous driving.” We don’t have miracles, we have dreams. Those are our own personal miracles. We all dream, we have dreams. I don’t know, some weird characters in our brain take over. “You’re covered in jam. Urr.” They’re always bonkers. And we dream in colour. Some people have black and white dreams, they’re kind of cheapo dreams. You need to bang the set before you go to bed. And they’re so vivid to us – you’re there and your grandmother’s attacking you with a spoon, the pope’s playing a banjo and you’re totally au fait with it. And you often wake up going, “Shescaska…” Those weird, “Footska, I’ve got…” I’ve been lying down… I’ve tripped over while asleep. “I’m asleep… l’m up…” And people interpret them, bonkers dreams. “A man comes up to me covered in jam and he sings,” d “Oh, I am a man-hippo” d “And he brings me spoons and his buttocks explode and his brother “drives a small snail towards me very slowly. “What does it mean?” The interpretation’s always ordinary. “You didn’t get on with your father when you were a child.” “Why doesn’t it say that in my dream? “What’s all the bloody snail thing and…?” You never have a straight dream. You never just walk along the road, go into a shop and buy a Mars bar. Cos that would probably mean, “You’re from Mars and your ears are made of jam “and your brother in Kent’s buttocks explode to the size of a balloon!” “That’s very true.” We have flying dreams, they’re the best. You fly around – never hit a light bulb, do you? Birds don’t have flying dreams – they’d be boring for birds. Birds must have car-driving dreams! Vrooom! D Da-da-da-na-na-na! D “You’re speeding, Mr Feathers!” “Fuck off, I’m a bird!” Yeah. And the greatest myth-legend-type story that we have in England is Robin Hood. Not really a miracle but a myth. It’s a myth and a legend – Robin Hood! It’s our most famous English myth, and it’s been stolen by Hollywood. So much so that Robin Hood has an American accent. “Hi! I’m Robin Hood! “Where is the Maid Mar-ayan “and the Sheriff of Notting-ham? “I’m a Notting-ham man, born and bred. “I live in Sher-wood Fo-rest. “I am from round here.” We wouldn’t believe an English Robin Hood. “Hello, I’m Robin Hood.” You’d go, “No. “Haven’t got the Nottingham twang.” The reason why Hollywood films killed us in Britain was they had so much sex, they’ve got sex, sex, sex. “Hi, I’m Robin Hood! Where is the Maid Mar-ayan? “Maid Mar-ayan, come here and let us kiss with tongues! “Let us go and shag in my tree house.” Sort of an English Robin Hood – “Marian? Cup of tea? “My tree house has been prepared.” Up the stairs. Staircase. “Yes, linen tablecloth. Do you like it? “Darjeeling or what? “Now, these are my etchings.” Back in the ’40s and ’50s they took sex out. The Noel Coward, sort of, In Which We Serve type films were… (Posh accent) “Darling, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, darling. Don’t go to the war.” “I must go to the war, darling. They won’t start without me.” “Don’t go, darling, it’s dangerous. Rat-a-tat, boom and all those noises.” “I must go, darling, it’s my duty as a cockney man.” All the accents were really fucked, weren’t they? “We as East Enders, we as people from the East End of London, “the working class of London, “we must go with our strange accents, go to the war, I must do it.” If that’s the East End then what’s a posh person’s accent? (Mumbles) “…said a posh person to me today. He also said…” (Mumbles) “And I believe him. “Little Johnny, Susie, I’m off to the war.” “Don’t go, Daddy. Don’t go.” “I must go.” “Bring us back something, Daddy.” “I’ll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.” Dick Van Dyke, he went for a cockney accent. I think he went to Australia to learn it. “G’day, Mary Poppins! How you doin’? “I’m a chimney sweep, absolutely. “Talkin’ to Charlene today, she’s a chimney sweep too. (d Pastiche of Chim-chimeree) D “I’m a chimney sweep, cor, love a duck, gorblimey. D “Put another tube of lager on the barbie.” d That is an Australian accent – check it out! And also Robin Hood is a myth. It’s a myth, it is not true. It’s based on bits of fact. His name probably wasn’t Robin Hood, just… Bin. A nutter who lived in a tree. “Hello, I’m Bin! “Ro… I’m Ro-Bin. “Give us cash! Give us cash. “I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I’m trying to be a myth. Give us cash.” “No, I’m not giving you cash.” “Go on. Are you rich?” “No, I’m comfortable.” “I can’t steal from people who are comfortable “and give to the moderately impoverished. “That’s not gonna swing, is it?” “It’s not my fault. I’m just here on my pogo stick.” “Come back here – do you wanna fight? Da-da-da!” Thbpth! “What? Sorry, I just threw a sword at you.” Thbpth. That’s a sword noise. I meant to go p-twang! But I just went thbpth. “You firing swords at me?” “Sorry.” I had a fight. I had my own personal fight last year, last November, in Cambridge! Did three good gigs in Cambridge and then had a fight. Like you do. And… It was a bit weird, he was… People shout at me. People do – as a bloke who wears make-up whenever I want, as is my inalienable right as a citizen… Some people say, “Good on you, mate.” And some say, “What the fuck is this?” To my face. To which I reply, “You say that now, “but how are you at canasta?” Actually, I didn’t say anything, but… People do shout, and I used to just go, “Well, I suppose you’re right, I must be a bastard.” But now I get angry. I get furious and stick up for myself. But it’s stupid, cos I don’t know how to fight. So this guy was going, “Ooh, Tracey.” And I was going, “My name is not Tracey, right?” And I go into Michael Caine impressions, which is weird. “You are a stupid bastard. What are you? “Do not bloody say that to me!” “You’re a big lad but you’ve got no brains so shut your fucking face.” So he went for it, and I was blocking and blocking, which is, you know, that, block, block. I was doing quite well, but he had four friends and they beat the crap out of me. But in a fun way. And then I took ’em to court and it was all fun. And I won a hundred quid. It was like, it was like a very low pools win or something. “It must be Wins-day”. So… So, yeah, I got that, and it’s great because the people who beat me up… If you’re in a fight you’ve got to… “Can I get your name and address?” Or at least what they look like – “Just… Quick Polaroids, lads!” I didn’t know their faces so I couldn’t say, “And they did it, too.” Then they turn up as witnesses for the defence. “Oh, it’s you guys! Right.” And their line of defence was that I started it. That was it. Like a bloke puts on make-up and goes out looking for a fight. Come on! Come on! What’s happening in Cambridge? Where’s all the fighters? Come on! Fucking there, I’ll put more on, there we go. It’s the standard thing that blokes do. Erm, so, anyway, that all happened. Now I’ve got to decide, which way do I go? Cos they could have had knives, guns, bazookas. If they’ve got a bazooka don’t run away – it’s easier to hit someone from a distance. Run towards them and grab hold of them. (Applause) “Back off! “We’re both going together!” Thbpth! That’s just handy in case someone pulls out a bazooka. So, yeah, and either I shut up or I learn a martial art. I like the idea of learning a martial art. It’s an Eastern thing, balanced movement of the body, you use the other person’s weight and momentum. In the West we have no martial arts at all. We don’t have anyone… We just go wahey, boom, oi, boof. Boom! Wahey! It’s all martial and no art. And, er, and there was that series on telly, Kung Fu. David Carradine or Keith Carradine, and he was always, “Grasshopper, you must not fight. “That is losing, to have the fight.” And we were watching going, “No, go on, have a fight!” All through a half-hour episode, “No, I will not fight you. “I do not want to do that.” Why is he French? (Comic French accent) “I will not fight you. I am French Buddhist.” But at the end he would always go, “Oh, fucking hell!” And we’d go, “Yeah!” And have another cup of coffee. And switch on The Six Million Dollar Man. But there are so many martial arts. T’ai chi – a little too slow, I think. It’s got that Steve Austin problem. Jujitsu I learnt from a book I got when I was about 14, and it had… Learning a martial art from a book is weird cos you’ve got all the pictures. Fights never quite go like the pictures. One great bit said, in a fight you grab their hand, open these fingers here, put a pencil in there and squeeze really hard. And it really hurts! How you fit that into a fight, I do not know. “You wanna make something of it? Come on! Hang on a sec. “Have you got a pen?” “Ah! “Leave the tranny alone, he knows what he’s doing! Get out of it!” And there’s judo or kendo. Judo I learnt when I was six, I was at a school where it was compulsory, in Wales. A kind of bizarre headmaster. (Welsh accent) “I think judo. I am bringing in judo this year as compulsory. “Everyone from six upward must learn, “so we can have a lot of fights with people in white pyjamas.” Or kendo, kendo’s the one. If you want to learn one, it’s great, you’ve got padding up your legs, a big body suit of armour and a head mask and a bat. You’re way ahead! “I will fight you but first I must go to my car… d “La, la, la… d “Oh, happy day… d “Right, now, you were saying?” I’m a fan of machines as well. I like machines. As a kid, you know when you have that spark of invention? I invented a helicopter that goes underwater. Bit of a deathtrap but, erm… But the spark was there, you know? And the Grim Reaper should update, he has the scythe of death. The scythe was a modern piece of equipment after the Iron Age. People saying, “You’ve got a scythe? “What the hell is that? We’ve just got wooden scissors. “Get Mr Digital over here.” Ding. The Grim Reaper should update, it’s 1997, throw away the scythe and get a lawn mower! One of the big petrol-driven ones. Vroom-na-na-na-na-na! Brrr, brrr… He’d look great walking along… Brrrm, brrrm… “All the dead people, get in the bin where the grass goes.” Then he could do those turns like your dad did on the lawn mower. (Engine becomes high-pitched) They scared the shit out of me. Because they were eating grass… No grass! They’d go spare when you took them off the ground. We had one when I lived in Northern Ireland and my dad would start it, it always took three goes to start it. He wanted to get a crowd. He was there, one-na-na-na-na… No. One-na-na-na-na… Don’t think so. One-na-na-na-ner-ner. There’s all these bits to adjust. I realised there was a choke there, starter there. Accelerator, brake, radio, glove compartment. The glove compartment is a lie in cars. You never have gloves in a glove compartment. You never open it and go, “50, 60 pairs of gloves! “Everywhere! I’m drowning in gloves! “Glove death.” Inside the glove compartment is usually a bit of an apple, a cassette with no holder and a map of Belgium or something. We had the big lawn mower. It was much better than my grandad’s. It was a Pushmi-pullyu, related to the cleaning equipment. My grandad had that little triangle of lawn. Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. The grass would go, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Hod-de-de-de-de. Hod-de-de-de-de. “Stay down, lads. Stay down. “It’s just an air raid. No problem.” Hod-de-de-de-de. He’d flatten the lawn out. Put it away. They’d go “f-thum” as he was walking away. My gran would be in the kitchen adjusting a cake on her head. “The lawn’s even bigger, Grandad.” When your gran called your grandad, “Grandad”, you were going, “He’s your grandad, too? “Are you my sister? “And you’re my father’s mother? What the fuck went on in this family?” Yeah. Toasters. Toasters are good. I like them. I like toast. You’ve got a toaster and it’s got a turny-dial knob thing on the side. And it lies to us. It does not tell the truth. For it has numbers from one to six and they lie. You set on four, you put bread in, and it comes up three. “This is three toast. No good at all. Hardly done.” You set and change to five. It comes up six, all burnt. Scrape, scrape. “Oh, fuck it. Forget it.” The toast is in there going, “Stay down, lads. Stay down. “Stay down! Go for the burn! “No pain, no gain! “No fish, no fowl. “No socks, no shoes. “No hair, no haircut.” The other toast’s going, “What are you talking about?” “I don’t know. I just quite liked saying it.” I think it’s one and a half times for each piece of toast. Correct me if I’m wrong. Toast goes in. Comes up. You don’t even look at it, you whack it straight down. Then you wander round with one eye on the toaster. The whole automated idea is lost as you have to… The toast’s going, “Wait till he looks at the Cup-A-Soup.” You’re going, “Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle, Cup-A-Soup, Pot Noodle. Oh, it’s burning! “Oh, no. In the bin.” And it gets stuck in there. You know you’re not supposed to put a knife in. But you’re an adult now. It’s your toaster. You want to live on the edge, so get knives in toaster. And forks. All cutlery in the toaster. And use a whisk as well. Get it in. Take it and do it in the bath. In the bath. Do it. Turn the water on. Plug. Eat a jam sandwich at the same time. Light matches. Burn the house down. The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turny button too, that lies. For we know turn, turn, turn for hot. Turn, turn, turn for cold. But the only position we’re interested in is the position between there and there. One nano-millimetre between fantastically hot and fucking freezing. Everyone who gets into a shower immediately becomes like a safe-breaker. You have two positions in the shower. One position is this. And the other position is this. “Ah! “Jee… “What the hell? “Ah! “Stop using taps! “Everyone in West London, stop using taps!” And there’s someone in the same bathroom as you, going… d “La, la, la…” d You’re going, “Hey, stop using taps!” “I am not using taps. I’m letting a mouse run over my hands. “We need a generator in the ark. The mouse will run around. “Noah’s downstairs with the ark.” Noah’s shouting, “The ark’s double-parked in a puddle. Get a move on.” It’s true. It’s in the Bible. But planes are the big machine. The great big flying machine. I first flew when I was four months old. I had a real problem with throwing up, so that must have been a fun trip. Throwing up is controlled by three little bones in the inner ear. (d Mikado pastiche) “Three little bones from school are we…” They’re called Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. And they control hearing and vomiting. Don’t know why they go together. God went… (As James Mason) “Inner ear, you shall have hearing and vomiting as well. “Yes, that’ll be fun.” “No, vomiting’s for stomachs. Stomach’s control.” “No, for you. I think it’d be fun.” “Then you can make someone vomit and hear them vomiting, too.” Which is why, if someone does go… (Retches) You hear it and go… (Retches) And normally, the inner ear sends signals to the brain. You’re walking and the inner ear’s going, “He’s walking along a road. “Going up a slight incline, turning to the left, going down some stairs, “down some stairs with a weird arm movement.” I’d walk the same route and my inner ear would go, “He’s in a tumble dryer! He’s on a humpback bridge! Tumble dryer! “Looping the loop in an aeroplane. “He’s now in a barrel and is rolling down a hill.” But now it’s cool. Much better. I had to do a flight last year on a tour, which was from Cork to Belfast. There were only six passengers. They said, “We won’t put you on the 747 because that would be laughable. “So we’ve got a Volkswagen Beetle with wings.” We had our bags. You just walked with them. Obviously I didn’t walk like this. That was comedy. I walked like this. That’s a better mime position. Otherwise you just think I’m walking, but that’s with bags, you see. In case you ever need it, you know. In Nigeria and… They’re very big in mime. Anyway. So I was walking along with the bags. It’s a very small airport. You go through a door and someone goes, “Beep. There’s a problem there.” And walking across the runway. Have you ever walked with your bags across a runway? You feel like the Beatles. The squirrels are going, “aah”. The pilot was right by the plane. It was like going on holiday with your dad. “Come on, come on! “You don’t need that, right?” “It’s my bag! Bloody hell.” “Get in. We’re going to miss the clouds! Come on!” So he was taxiing over to the runway. “Come on. Get your heads down. I can’t see.” He was right there. I could touch him on the shoulder. Just like in the car. But even though he could turn around and talk to us he was still doing, “This is your pilot speaking. “Welcome to flight one from here to there. “We’re gonna be flying at a height of ten feet, “going up to a height of twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. “Your copilot today is a Thermos of coffee.” I thought there was a rule that you had to have two pilots in case one goes, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” And the other one goes, “I’ll take over!” (d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries) “I’ve got one of my own! “One over here.” People in the back. “I’ve got one!” A Thermos of coffee was going to fly us home. He’s there doing the stuff and we’re flying. They have a word in the airways industry. They have a thing called bird strike. It’s when a flock of birds is flying along. “What a wonderful day.” Thbpth! They go straight through a jet engine. It’s called bird strike. It’s a misnomer. The birds aren’t striking. It’s an engine suck. It’s an engine making bird soup melange. These birds aren’t going, “Who’s for bird strike? “Johnny Human’s big metal buggers piss me off! “I vote we go for bird strike! “Alfie, Ginger, Stevie, Feathers, Stephens, “Big Beak O’Reilly, Jimmy the Penguin, are you with me? “No, you’re a penguin, so you stay here. “Come on! Let’s do bird strike!” (d Sings Ride Of The Valkyries) “Faster, faster! “747!” Mmm… Thbpth! Just before they go through, do they go, “Look, there’s Rod Stewart”? We don’t know. But they do the safety announcement. My guy in my plane was going, “The safety instructions. “The safety exits are here, next to me. “If you see me go through this door, please follow me quickly.” If you’ve been in a big aeroplane, no one’s listening to the security announcements. Everyone’s going, “Yeah, yeah. There, there. “Lights flash. Put the thing on. Pull the thing “and death.” It’s a kind of, “Yeah, all right.” So the pilots have been told to kick up the importance of these speeches. They go, “Please do listen to the safety announcements “because we’ve changed things around. “You don’t know. We’re putting the life jacket on back to front. “Some of the safety exits are false. They’re not true. “And I’ve got a bad feeling about this flight. I don’t think we’re going to make it.” After that everyone’s going, “Show me everything! “Private showing. I’m putting it on now. Fuck it. “Yes, I’ll have coffee, thanks.” They have these life jackets and you pull it and… Thbpth! You’ve got a pipe here for top-up. I don’t want top-up. I want stays-up. Top-up implies hole in. Implies having to… I want fucking stays-up, no hole in the first place, thank you. Bloody top-up! It’s all a bit tea and crumpets with the vicar. Top-up. Crashed in the Atlantic, bobbing around. “Oh, you survived as well. Well done. Care for a top-up? “Couldn’t top me up, could you?” “I didn’t need it. I’m just trying to break the ice. “Hey, float over here. “Look. Two pipes. Panpipes.” It’s 2,000 miles to Europe, 1,000 miles to America. You’ve got your whistle. (Hoots) (Hoots) A little light going beep, beep. After a while a pilot fish comes up. “Hey, that’s my gag! “Weird people.” And there’s Noah, shooting around in his speedboat. “If anyone’s got big ears you can get in and sit on the side. “Photos for the Bible.” So I was in my small aeroplane and the guy is there and we have refreshments when we get above the clouds. Coffee comes back from the Thermos. “Cheers. Ta, mate.” He had this wicker basket with biscuits in. Digestives. Not terribly interesting. I take the best ones and it goes to the guy at the back. “These are crap.” When you’re not hungry but you get offered a biscuit, you want better than that. “I didn’t want anything but what have you got? Aw.” So I’m nibbling my biscuits and drinking my coffee. And the pilot reaches under his jacket and pulls out chocolate biscuits! I realised he’d hidden them there, taken them out of the wicker basket and hidden them. I knew that because that’s what I would have done. You know when you offer your friends biscuits? You’re in the kitchen. “I’ll just have one. Well, I’ll have a couple.” “Ha-ha-ho.” Someone says, “Do you want a hand?” (Muffled) “Oh, no. “Just letting this mouse run over my hands here.” So the pilot’s eating chocolate biscuits. I’m going, “Hey, chocolate biscuits! Hey, digestive, crap biscuits!” He’s going, “Get off! I’m the bloody pilot. “Stress. Chocolate biscuits. What the hell?” I’m going, “No, customer’s always right. Digestive crap biscuits.” “Fuck off! Five years’ training for this. Hard time. “Chocolate biscuits. Perks of the trade.” “I don’t agree.” “Fucking…” (imitates engine in descent) “Hold on!” Brraaah! “What were you saying?” “No, fine, have the chocolate biscuits!” Mmm… naaah. “Chocolate biscuits.” 20 minutes later, he pulls out Jammy Dodgers! “Jammy Dodgers!” Brraaah! Thbpth! And we hit a mountain. And I died. So that was the end of that plane flight. And that is also the end of the show. Thank you very much for being here. Good night. (Cheering, whistling, applause) D La, la, la d OK. The book of Revelations, right? That’s where it all ends. The book of Revelations has got Armageddon. That’s Australian for “Armageddon outta here, it’s the end of the world!”. That’s where it derived from. It’s the end of the world. People look at the book of Revelations and say, “The end will come from the world of politics “or the world of economics or technology.” I have a love-hate relationship with technology. I love it but I can hate it. There are two groups – people with techno-fear, who are there going, “I’ve wiped the file? “I’ve wiped all the files?” “I’ve wiped the Internet?” “I don’t even have a modem!” I don’t have techno-fear. I have techno-joy! I love technology. I love to get new machines. I always think, “This is the one. I won’t have to work again. I’ve got this thing.” You get the instructions, you unwrap it and throw the instructions out the window. Forget them. Fuck them. On. “I must know how this works. I’ve used machines before. “Come on! Come on! “Come on! This bit comes off, I think.” (Clunk) “Oh.” Then you smash it with a hammer. I get really fucked off with machines. Everyone on films is so swish on computers. B-der, b-der, b-der, dee, dee, dee. So expert on their computers. “Breaking into the Pentagon computer. “Double-click on ‘Yes’. “Oh. Password protected. 20 billion possible chances. “Er, “Jeff.” “Hey! “How did you know it would be Jeff?” “I knew there’d be a back door.” In films, the guy who made the software has always left a back door so he could get back in when he wanted and look at all the missiles and go, “Ooh”. And put one on his head. “And the guy who made the software was called Jeff Jeffety Jeff, “born on the first of Jeff, 19-Jeffety-Jeff. “So I put in Jeff and hey.” I’ve never seen one character in a film on a computer, in a realistic way going… “Oh, no, no! “Put the printer there. The computer. Right. “Instructions. Hold on. Book of Revelations. “Right. Control and P. Print! “Control, P, print. “Control, P, print. “‘Cannot access printer’? “It’s here! “I can access printer. “Why the fuck can’t you? I’ve plugged you in. “Fucking control, P, print. Control, P, print. “Control, P, print. Control, P, print.” The computer’s going, “What are you trying to do?” “I’m trying to print! Control, P, print!” “But there’s something you haven’t done.” “What? Tell me what it is. I’ll do it.” “No, I can’t tell you.” “Fucking tell me! It’s five in the morning! It’s only a paragraph! “I’m just trying to print the fucker! I used the fax/modem and that fucked it up. “I can’t access it. It’s not being used by something else. “I’m using the printer port. Control, P, print. Control, P, print. “Print, control, P. Print, control, P. (Mutters) “‘A problem of type 2094 has occurred.’ “What the fuck is that? “What are the 2,093 other problems I’ve just missed to get to that one? “Control, P, print. Control, P, print. Control… “Oh, don’t do that. “Don’t… Don’t you crash on me, you bastard!” “God. I’m so tired. You have no…” “I don’t know what…” “You do! “Right. I’ll get that going. Escape. Control, P. Alt. “Escape. Control, P. Alt. Fucking…! “I’m phoning Amsterdam, you bastards. “Hello, Amsterdam? You speak very good English. Well done. “Bordered by four countries? Yes, I know. Problems in land wars. “Now, I’ve got a Macintosh computer plugged into a Canon printer and… “Yes, I’ve been into the printer file and chosen Canon printer. “Yes, I’ve chosen the printer port, which is the same as the fax/modem port, “which confuses the fuck out of me. “Yes, I’ve chosen A4 paper instead of toilet paper. “I’ve chosen the picture of the dog standing up, not the one lying down “as if a taxidermist’s had a go at it. “What the fuck…? It’s five in the morning. There’s something wrong with… “There’s an on switch on the printer? Is there?” And there’s always one fucking thing you haven’t done. If the world ends through technology it’ll happen through that. Some American general in the Pentagon going, “Will you bloody work?” Smashing the thing up with a huge… Thbpth! And the whole world goes. Which will be interesting. But if it does go, I think I’ll carry on gigging, cos I quite like it. Thank you very much. Good night. (d Suede: Filmstar) D Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d Filmstar, giving it class d Living it fast, it looks so easy d Filmstar, giving it class d Living it fast tonight d What to believe in? It’s impossible to say d What to believe in when they change your name d Wash your brain, play the game again d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar, an elegant sir d A Terylene shirt, it looks so easy d Filmstar, an elegant sir d In a Terylene shirt tonight d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car tonight d What to believe in? It’s impossible to say d What to believe in when they change your name d Wash your brain, play the game again d Yeah, yeah, yeah d What to believe in? It’s impossible to say d What to believe in when they change your name d Wash your brain, play the game again, again, again d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d Filmstar d Yeah, yeah, yeah d Filmstar d Filmstar d

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DAVE ATTELL: ROAD WORK (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-attell-road-work-transcript/

[Cheers and applause] – you guys ready to meet your headline act? Let me hear you. [Cheers and applause] – holy. – Come on, people, a little noise here. [Cheers and applause] your headliner, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the best comics in the entire business. Please give me a warm, loud round of applause for the one and only Dave Attell, everybody. [Cheers and applause] clap your hands, everybody, for Dave Attell. Here he comes, everybody, Dave Attell, everybody. Come on, people. Clap it up for Dave Attell. Clap your hands. Dave Attell, everybody. Dave Attell. [Cheers and applause] – Thank you very much. Vinnie Brand, everybody. Give him a hand. Thank you so much. It’s great to be here at the stress factory in New Jersey. Nice. And, uh, I need a cameraman, ’cause I’m broke. So who’s gonna help me out here? Miss, do you wanna do the camerawork? – Sure. – Okay, there you go. All right, I love it. And how about you, dude, everything good? There we go. Not that we don’t trust you. We have another guy taping you. All right, this is like— this is like North Korea, I love it. What’s your story? We should know a little bit about the people behind the scenes here. What do you do? – I was a hairdresser. – Oh, here we go, all right. [Laughter] Oh, look, you’re already doing your own sex tape. Can you wait? A camera goes on, she gets wet. Is that what it is here? I mean— here, here, here. Whoa. Wow. I was doing a show one time at this club, okay, right up front, a 12-year-old boy. Now what kind of parents—Cuban— bring a kid like that to see this filthy humor? Ridiculous. Good kid. Now he’s playing for the Mets. Anyway—what? I give it to you guys. It’s hard to watch me do my old shitty act in front of the world’s last phone or something. I mean, it’s not my fault Thomas Edison is from this town, and we all have to worship his magical device. Isn’t it amazing how phones used to be this big? Look at that, right? Everything’s smaller now: phones, dogs, dicks. They’ve all gotten tinier, but they do more. These jokes aren’t gonna be all this clean, all right? It’s gonna be a filthy dirty mess of a show. It really is. [Cheers and applause] I know, some of you are into it, some of you aren’t. My dad used to beat me when I was a kid. And he’d always go, “Dave, “I really don’t wanna hit you, but this is the only thing that gets me hard.” And you know what? Hey. Come on, it’s a joke. You know I don’t know who my dad is. I have no idea. I was raised in a carnival. Keep it up here, all right? Just on the punch lines, just—yeah, like— here’s something you rarely get to see, a gangbanger eating some strawberry shortcake. This is, like— is this a comedy club or a Denny’s in two hours? What’s going on here? I love a filthy pedophile joke with a little piece of strawberry shortcake. All right, ’cause I am evil. [Laughter] you wanna switch? See, look, there’s not much room on the stage here. This is great. This is like an MMA fight between two nerds. This is great. Ever do a bunch of mushrooms, think you’re having a pillow fight, but it turns out to be a live baby? Has that ever happened to anybody? All right. Just feeling the crowd out. Seeing who’s who here. Hello? Oh. Sorry. My career called, it’s dead. Um, sorry. Let’s go back to the women here. There’s a lot of hot women here. All right, yeah. Where are the single women? None, there’s no single women anymore. I don’t blame ’em. I like when a woman’s on top. ‘Cause when a woman’s on top, you know what your job is? Not to die. That’s all you have to do, just lay there. And you get a chance to weigh her. Yeah. Fuck all of you, that’s funny. Now—I’m not gonna wait for you guys anymore. I like when a woman’s on top. They call it cowgirl style. Yeah, some girls wear a cowboy hat as they’re doing that. That’s a little too much. A cowgirl hat during cowgirl sex is like a turban on a plane. It is totally— [chuckles] it’s legal, but I’m not sleeping on that flight. I’m not. I got one eye on you, zero dark thirty. Yeah. [Chuckles] how about reverse cowgirl? That’s when they’re facing away. Have you—yeah, I don’t know who invented that, but they were ugly. Yeah, like, “hey, I’ll bang ya, “I just don’t wanna look at ya. I mean—” you gotta believe in yourself as a dude, when your woman does that. Because, you know, it does look like she’s getting up to leave. It really does look like, “hey. If you’re gonna go, bring back something to eat.” So— [laughter] I watch all these reality shows. I guess my favorite would be this one called, uh, the pit boss. It’s about a little guy. His name is shorty. And, uh, he’s— you know, he’s a midget. [Under breath] all right, he’s a midget. All right. Don’t worry, there’s no midgets here, all right? It doesn’t smell like cinnamon and, you know, confetti or nothing magical. It’s just—you know. It’s cool, all right? Anyway, he goes to jail for, like, ten years. He’s a little guy, okay. I don’t know what that is in midget years. I guess maybe, like, 150,000 million years. I don’t know. I was homeschooled. Gets out of jail, and now he rescues pit bulls. Which I think he thinks are horses. I’m not exactly sure. Bang. That’s a joke, yeah. Hard-core. Thank you. [Laughter] I have never, ever seen a midget mail a letter. Have you guys— have you ever seen that? No. Evidently, the tall man does not want the little man communicating his recipes and spells and potions through the magical blue box. Let him mail a letter, huh. I don’t even think they should have to use stamps, which they call paintings, ’cause, you know— they should be able to kiss the envelope, and it just gets wherever it needs to go. Santa. [Laughter] you guys are cool, you’re laughing at that. I’ve done that joke with a little person in the room. They’re not that cool about it. Mostly, you know, ’cause I was drunk and I was doing this over his head. So, you know, god couldn’t hear his prayers. And, um— they don’t like the word “midget.” They don’t like “little people.” What do they wanna be called? “People,” that’s what they want. “People,” okay. If they’re people, then that bumps the rest of us up into being gods. And that’s a lot of work. [Clears throat] they should worship us, or I’ll make it light and dark in here with this magical cloud switch. It’s a light switch, for those of you who have no idea what I’m doing here. A light switch. [Laughter] to sum up, would I blow a midget? You know I would. ‘Cause I know his dick tastes like toys. So, there you have it. We’ll be right back. [Chuckles] [drumming] – and now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for mr. Dave attell. [Cheers and applause] – keep it going for ’em, everyone. The legends of polynesia. Come on, chicopee, mass, you can do it. Excellent work. Now that’s the way to start a show. Am I right? Yeah. Now prepare to be bored to death for the next hour. Thank you, guys. All right, take it easy. – Thank you. – All right. Can you guys— really, get back in the shack, all right? Just get back in that shack. And the dude— put a bra on, all right? Really, got— it’s a family show here. Keep it going. Come on, guys. You remember that show lost. Give ’em a hand. [Cheers and applause] oh, I’m not drinking my fantastical drink. Mmm. Mm. This is like, I don’t know, getting a rim job from a unicorn. I can’t even— – you have some on your chin. – I do? – Yeah, just a little. – Well, I hope he calls me tomorrow. [Laughter] that deserves just a little one. [Faint rimshot] just a little— a little something. [Laughs] I divide my life up into two parts, before honey boo boo and after honey boo boo. Now, for those of you who don’t know who she is, I don’t even know who she is. Where did she come from? I don’t know. Did her mom deep throat a corn dog on a ferris wheel, and she popped out? She’s cute. But three years from now when she’s a mother, it’s gonna be a lot— hello? Wow. Excuse me, I’m just gonna step into a vietnam flashback for a minute. I’ll be right back. [Chuckles] it’s a hot l.z. “I need to get pulled out!” [Chuckles] too family-oriented in here. I don’t like it, I don’t like it. I expected, like, drunk dudes, you know, just fuckin’ coming here ’cause they can’t afford to go to a strip club. I mean, you know. – Take it off! – I went to a strip club. And you can always tell how good it is by the name. This one was called “the double chin.” Now that was not good. 10 Bucks to get in, 20 to get out. It was horrible. I went to one, it was a vegan strip club. Can you believe this? Vegans, yeah. I walk in, the girls are so weak, they can’t even climb the pole. They’re hanging on like koala bears. They were licking the pole for iron. It was so sad. [Laughter] one of the vegans says to me, “you should go down on a vegan, we taste better.” Oh, really? I can speak for every guy in here. As long as it doesn’t taste like balls, it’s all right, really. ‘Cause balls are disgusting, aren’t they? Wow. And they stink. Yeah, they do. All right, I’ll speak for my balls. On my best day, my balls might smell like a foot, on my best day. And the sack, ugh. The sack, growing all the time. My sack looks like a tent no one knows how to fold up. It’s just all over the place. [Laughter] and the penis is ugly, huh? Ew. That’s what they should’ve called it, “ew.” Have you ever seen a penis before and after sex? What happened? Before, it’s hard, full of jager and lies. It’s got a plan. It’s on a mission. [Laughter and cheering] it goes in, right? Three minutes, two if you’re married, it comes popping out. It’s all twisted, covered in goo, blinking or twitching. What is it doing down there? It looks like all the odd number rocky movies. Yeah, just defeated. [Laughter] thank you. My cameraman, dude. [Laughter] what the fuck? – Oh, my god! – Dude, you’re my camera guy. – Get that phone down! – If this was cnn, we would’ve missed the whole arab spring, dude. Oh, now you’re overdoing it. “Oh, look at me, I’m really trying now.” Too late! Back to the sex jokes. Sex toys. Say what you want about ’em, but there’s never been a recall. So wherever they make ’em, they’re making ’em pretty good. I think they make ’em in china, yeah. Little kids are making our sex toys. And I know it’s sick, but it does make it a little more erotic, knowing their little hands are all over ’em. Mmm. [Chuckles] [laughter] they got a double-headed dil— they got the double-headed dildo. “What kind of phone is this?” “Back to work!” What’s your favorite sex toy? Can I talk— can you get this, dude? Okay, good. Okay, so just for continuity, I’m just gonna bring this tree with me, so— [laughter] miss, what— [exhales] what’s your favorite sex toy? What do you like? – The celebrator. – The celebrator? Is he in town? Wow. [Chuckles] the celebrator— what is that? – It looks like a toothbrush. – I think you’re being fooled. That’s an oral-b that you’re putting in your hooch. [Laughter] you know what guys have now? The anywhere vagina. Have you ever seen this? – Pocket pussy? – A pocket pussy? Whoa. Is that the technical term? Okay. I call it living in my mom’s basement way too long. [All cheering] back me up on this. It’s a vagina with a sticky on the back. And you lick it, and then you put it on the wall, and then you fuck it. Okay, it’s idiot-proof. What I like to do is buy a bunch, and leave ’em on hotel walls all over the country. Kind of a johnny appleseed of filth. [Laughs, coughs] sorry, guys. That’s what smokers call breathing. Oh, what happened? Oh, no. Scott, you knocked over my drink. Get a picture of that. Somewhere a clown fell down. You can tell, ’cause anytime you spill a daiquiri— [chuckles] look at that, wow. Careful, scott. You’re gonna knock over the fake palm tree. So, since you guys love filth, I think you’re gonna appreciate this. Do you know what anal beads are? [Hushed laughter] excuse me, out front did it say, “magic show?” No, it didn’t. It said, “polynesians and filthy guy.” That’s what it said. Anal beads, what’s— what do you think is worse: more beads coming out than went in, or the missing bead? No man left behind. That’s how I was taught. It looks like a job for the rescue gerbil. Yes. That joke was— did everybody eat? I should’ve said that before that joke. Did everybody? Okay, good. – Minneapolis, acme comedy club. [Cheers and applause] yep. Wow, this is good. All right, I’m doing this on a budget, so I’m gonna need someone to help me be my cameraman. Who wants to do it? You wanna do it? – Sure. – There ya go. This guy looks great. What’s your name, sir? – Justin. – What’s it? – Justin. – Are you a fan of comedy? – Absolutely. – All right, I’m gonna change that right now. All right. Thanks for coming down, guys. It’s great to be here in minneapolis. You guys, this is the whitest town I’ve ever seen in my life. Yes. If christian mingle was a place, it would be here, right here. But you’re good people. You are the healthiest, nicest people. You’re, like, almost canadian. I really think— oh, it got a little ugly there, didn’t it, huh? Everybody here is on a bicycle. Hmm, yeah. That is queer. I mean, everybody— I saw a guy today my age on a bike. That is just weird. You see a guy, an old man, on a bike like that, you’re like, “that dude has a dui. “That guy is just a drunk. “He’s a drunk. Look at him.” I like booze. I’m a booze guy. Justin, do you like booze? Yeah, there you go. I can tell. – Just a little bit. – Just a little bit? There’s nothing wrong with it. Whiskey is a great drink. Now whiskey’s very classy and adult, till you shit your pants. But other than that, it is great. Now you think of whiskey, you think of, like, a sad old white man. Like, a guy like me in the rain, screaming the word, “whore,” at a house he used to own. “Hey, whore. “Are you enjoying that home, you whore? I built that deck!” [Laughter] women drink whiskey now too, right? Whiskey drinkers, there you go. Women drink whiskey and they always class it up with a little diet coke. Why diet coke? You’re drinking whiskey, the wildest drink known to man. Are you really counting calories while you’re drinking whiskey? “Well, I don’t know wanna look flabby “two hours from now when I’m tag-teaming truckers on a pool table.” [Laughter] “I don’t wanna look all puffy as I’m screaming the n-word at an eclipse.” All right, sorry. That one would’ve killed in idaho. So— I like to hold the door open for a woman, ’cause I think that’s very gentlemanly, yeah. But I only hold it open about this much. Yeah. And if you can’t squeeze through, “I will make pig noises till you do. “Get in there. “Get in there, hog, come on. There’s cheese in there.” [Laughter] [clears throat] I guess what I’m trying to say is I wanna have a family. Kids are great. Dogs are way better than kids, am I right? Yeah, wow. ‘Cause you can shake a dog, and not go to jail. I think that’s really good. Justin, you’re good? You can move the camera around a little bit. It’s all right. This isn’t baby’s first steps or anything like that. I want it— I want it nasty, motherfucker. [Laughter] this is a progressive state. You guys just legalized gay marriage. You did it, yeah. Give yourselves a hand, yes. [Cheers and applause] I am for gay marriage, okay? Yeah, as long as they’re both the same race, I don’t see anything wrong with it. [Laughter] no, ’cause every guy’s done something gay. We’ve all had a gay moment. I know this, ’cause I’m from the future. I know it. Whether it’s an uncle teaching you how to make a tie while you’re both not wearing pants, huh? Hey. Or just wearing a scarf. Have you ever worn a scarf? It’s a little fruity. It’s a little fruity. “Well, I gotta keep my throat warm, “just in case there’s a cock-sucking competition “on balls-on-my-chin avenue. Oops.” You good? That was excellent. That was like ice capades, synchronized. [Laughter] I do magazines. Anybody else? Yeah, magazines. ‘Cause I’m old, but I still masturbate. But I take an aspirin first. Anyway—for my heart. Did you guys know— there’s young guys here. Did you know that porn was originally in magazine form, and before that it was puppets, and then it was just homeless guys who needed food. We just had ’em act out. Magazines are cool, because as you’re masturbating, you also get to do this. Whoa. I’m, like, a sophisticated pervert. [Chuckles] justin, what do you think, huh? Look at that, thumbs up from justin. I found a butt plug on a city bus one time. Can you believe that? Yeah. How do I know? ‘Cause it fit perfectly. Come on, guys. Easy joke. Wow. [Laughter] anal bleaching— what do you guys think? No, as a baby name. Do you like it or no? Bang, bang, bang. This is great. We got some young guys here, right? Some warriors? Okay. If a girl says, “put it in my ass,” she’s a dude. All right. A little something I learned in the scouts. We’ll be right back. – What’s up, philadelphia? How’s it going? Let’s hear it, come on. Philadelphia. [Cheers and applause] look at you guys. Wow. I really need some help. Can somebody be my cameraman tonight? Who would— who would like to do it? It’s gotta be somebody in the front row. You wanna do it? Okay, cool. Could you look more out of work, sir? I mean, really? Look at this guy. Here you go. Thank you so much. What’s your name? – I’ll see ya. – Whoa! First time in eight shows, I love it. What’s your name, dude? – Paul. – I don’t know why I gave the camera to paul. I should’ve given it to this sad-looking mumford & son guy over here. World’s worst seat. Where’s your chick? You have no—no chick? – Waiting for the escort. – Yeah, you’re waiting on an escort? Finally, the other guy I’ve been meeting online. All right, dude. This is what my comedy’s about. Don’t let this weird banner from game of thrones frighten you, okay? What are you drinking? – A yuengling. – A yueng— all right, philly, got it. All right, I got it. And then you’re gonna go home and cry to boyz ii men? What are you gonna do? I mean, you don’t have to philly it up all the time. Philadelphia. Let’s look at the background here. This is definitely not philly, ’cause look at all that parking. And, um, there’s no one running after me for my iphone, wearing a wig, so I don’t see— you guys are very protective of your town. I don’t blame you one bit. I don’t blame you one bit. We need to legalize stuff here. Pot should be legal. I think everybody in this crowd— paul, right, pot? – Yes. – Are you a pot guy or no? – No. – Exactly, you’re, like, at that age where, like, “if I can’t afford coke, I’ll do nothing.” Pot should be legal. Have you ever seen a pothead get arrested? It’s a sad arrest, okay. They handcuff him. He has no idea what’s going on. He thinks he’s being shown a magic trick. He has nothing— no idea. What are the cops so afraid of? The guy is smoking pot, a silly, harmless drug. It’s a vitamin in Baltimore. I don’t even know— “oh, watch out, he’s smoking pot. “He might have a long story with no ending on him. This guy’s a pothead.” [Laughter and applause] Philly is a great town, but let’s get right to it, okay? That cheesesteak is out of control. I’m kind of a big guy myself, so I figure I can handle it. But as I get older, I realize I gotta plan the cheesesteak. Like, I can eat one, fine. But the next day, it’s anyone’s game. I don’t know when it’s gonna come out, how it’s gonna come out, where it’s gonna come out. That is a hard dump, the cheesesteak dump. I mean, it’s not so much the steak, it’s that bukkake of whiz in there, okay? Just that, like, bang. [Chuckles] I mean, that’s a bad dump. It’s more of a hate crime than it is a dump. It’s the kind of dump where you gotta flush, spray, and paint, okay? It’s that kind of— hello? I got more. It’s the kind of dump— it’s the kind of dump where if your dog walks in, he’ll back out like a cat. That’s the kind of dump. Yes. [Laughter] this is disgusting. This is inappropriate, I apologize. Let’s pull it back a bit. Fisting. All right, fisting. Do we have people from other countries here? I’m always curious to what— what they call fisting. Au bon pain, or the other— fencing without swords? What do you guys call it? I can speak for every woman in here. There is no romantic way to fist someone. Even if you were on a cruise ship, the sun is setting, you just had a delicious buffet, and now it’s vicious fisting. And as your man pulls out, in his dirty filthy palm, you notice an engagement ring. You’d be like— [laughter and applause] you’d be like, “why didn’t you put it in my salad?” “Well, I kinda did.” And then you’d wink. You would wink. I know what it is, it’s incredibly hot. Let me—let me get this kmart fan on everybody. Is that what it is? It’s a little hot down here. So, let me get this kmart— or as we call it up north, black macy’s. Let me get this fan on everybody. Could you get some? Paul, are you getting some? Is it blowing back the laughter? Is that what it’s doing? It does feel good, doesn’t it? Oh, my god. You know what we should do tomorrow, early? – What? – Balloon rides, let’s go. Has anyone been in a hot air balloon? That has gotta be the coolest, ’cause you’re not really in the— pick a side, dude, I mean, really. [Chuckles] why do I pay him in red bulls and meth? I don’t know what I was thinking. Scott. I am killing down here. Dude, high-five me on that one. Thank you. Are you having fun? [Laughter] I like how you guys laugh, but you look at me like there’s an amber alert waiting to happen. So it’s, like, I’m sorry, I apologize. Some of you are laughing, ’cause you see it as a joke and not a plan. So I think that’s great. But there’s always the one guy after the show who takes it a little too far. Like, “oh, that’s not cool, man. I was molested by a priest.” That’s awkward, right? What am I supposed to say? Well, this is what I did say: “you are a good-looking kid. I mean, you know—” [laughter] “you should’ve held out for a bishop. “What can I tell ya? I mean, they come at ya diagonally.” Anybody, chess? [Laughter] I give that joke three sanduskys. I’m tellin’ ya— hey, come on! It’s time. It is time. Paul, are you getting this? This is crazy action. How about you, the lord of no energy? Are you enjoying this? No? What jerry sandusky did was wrong. But I do wanna know one thing: were those kids playing better? Now, i— hear me out! I used to play a little ball in school. I know that would’ve put some of the hustle in me, if I knew my coach was gonna fuck me in the shower. Yes. “Hey, attell, rub-a-dub-dub.” “Oh, shit. Huddle up, guys.” [Laughter] relax. There’s no huddle in tennis. Now— you’re laughing. Now I know it’s funny. [Laughter] – let’s throw one out for the ladies. Now, is size important, ladies? – Yes. – Exactly. That was a little too quick. All right. But there’s such a thing as too big, am I right? I mean, like, if it’s big enough— no? Who is this girl? [Laughs] who is this girl and how is she able to sit down? That’s what I wanna know. Like, let’s say his dick was snow, and it was so big it could close a school. Would that be— [laughter] I did that one for the south jersey people. No? All right. Women are amazing, okay. Going down on a woman— does any guy know how to do this good? – No. – Who said that? Miss, how come you’re not sitting up front, and this wall of hate is up here? [Laughter and applause] I don’t know what I’m doing down there. This is what I do, okay? Are you with me? This is what I do. I pretend I’m in a bank robbery, yeah. I get low, I shake, and I just wait for instructions. I’m like, “mm-hmm. Mmm.” [Laughter and applause] thank you. You’ve been to a bank. You would have to go to a bank to understand that. [Cheers and applause] I assume women like when a guy does that, right? Here’s a fun thing to do next time. Okay, next time your guy goes in that area. Do this, okay? It’ll blow his mind. Come eventually. I mean, it’ll just— yeah, yeah. As a goof, just as a goof. Move around, blink, twitch, do something. I mean, really, I don’t think a sex act should be longer than a civil war reenactment, but that one is. If you even yawn, I’ll high-five your foot. It’s over, we’re done. We’re watching tv. Nice. [Laughter] but to be fair to women, ’cause this isn’t pakistan, I gotta tell ya… [Laughter] you ladies are so smart. You figured out a way to a blow a guy without even blowing him. Look how quiet it got, ’cause you know I’m right. No, there’s a lot of licking going on and a lot of tugging, but very little sucking. Yeah, you’ve been there, right? “Oh, look, daddy, I’m licking it like an ice cream. What do you think?” I think you’re taking a break, that’s what I think. Yeah, ’cause you’re talking. You’re talking. You’re talking and that’s, like, 90% of a blow job, is you can’t talk. You’re just taking a break. If this was the blow job factory, you’d be leaning on a broom, telling a story, while everybody else would be busy making blow jobs. We all know what a blow job looks like— back of the throat, can’t breathe, can’t talk, mascara dripping down your cheeks, like you just saw a clown hit by a truck. That’s a blow job. [Laughter and applause] [coughs] shit. Don’t worry, it’s not airborne, whatever that was. All right. [Chuckles] I did a show one time— are you ready? Okay, you’re a good crowd. I did a show one time for these special needs kids. Okay, yeah. It was a benefit, okay. I did a benefit for the special needs kids. And they were heckling me, okay? No, and it hurt. ‘Cause unlike them, you know, I feel. And I’ll tell ya— yeah, no. I know. I know they feel hot and cold, but I’m talking the whole rainbow of feelings. All right? They were heckling me. Not like you guys, special heckles. And that— yeah, that is weird. The biggest one, right? I assume he was the leader, ’cause he’s wearing all these medals, right? Like I said, this is not— not an appropriate joke. All right, the biggest one, he stands up and he starts pointing at me. And he’s like, “you’re not candy. We want candy. You’re not candy.” Hours later I talk to their handler, right? I’m like, “what? “What is up with this candy, ‘you’re not candy’ thing?” And she’s like, “well, either you’re sweet and delicious, or you’re not.” And I’m like, “oh, you’re one of ’em.” So, once again, not for everybody. Okay. Hours later, or as they say “this manys,” we’re at—stay— just stay with me. We’re at the aquarium, or as they call it, the sea zoo, you know, where— where the wet animals live. We’re at— [laughter] I’m so sorry. We’re at the aquarium, and the specials are riding dolphins, okay? They got ’em in helmets. They’re just throwing ’em in the dolphin tank, just throwing ’em in. Throwing ’em in like the dolphin’s gonna swim the special out of ’em. Just throwing ’em in. The dolphin isn’t liking it. The specials aren’t liking it. They’re all making— they’re all making the same noise. They’re like, “aah, aah, aah.” Which means “you’re not candy” in dolphin. Now, some of you are not laughing ’cause you have a soul. Others— others are like, “what a waste of dolphin! “Throw him in a baby pool with a wet dog, and tell ’em it’s a dolphin.” The poor man’s dolphin ride. You all right? There you go, it’s over. Wow, look at all that energy. [Cheers and applause] I knew a good old-fashioned special needs joke would get you guys going. – Let’s get to the reason why we’re all here. Please welcome mr. Dave attell. [Cheers and applause] – all right, we’re here at one eyed jacks new orleans. All fun stuff was invented in new orleans. Jazz, huh? All: yeah! – Poker, craps, looting. You guys know what you’re doing here. There you go. This one drunk. He knows what I’m talking about. This member of the duck dynasty, coming and out of the— coming in and out of the bayous, trading ducks and gator skins for clean needles and baby wipes. I don’t know what they do. I don’t know what’s going on here. [Laughter] oh, good, a switch. Now—this is tough. I watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn, don’t you? [Cheers and applause] girl-on-girl, do you know this type of genre of porn, this niche, girl-on-girl? Yeah, it’s when one girl has a drug problem and the other one needs to pay rent. And they just scissor until they break their dads’ heart. It’s a— this porn star I know goes, “you know, they don’t come when they do that.” I’m like, “well, I do, all right? So keep doing it.” Won ’em back. [Laughter] the real hero in that joke is lubricant. Do you guys use lube? Probably not. You just rub a little jambalaya down on your holes and let it happen. What am I talking about lube in this town? Everything’s fuckin’ lube here. – Whoo! – I think women enjoy lube, right? Ladies, huh? Your chick? Mr. Uncomfortable and his woman over here, right? [Laughter] I don’t know what groupon deal you did to do this fuckin’ show, dude. You do not— all right, lube. When you pull out lube in a relationship, women are into it. Pull out, like, a two, three-gallon jug of lube, right? She gets that— get that look in her eyes. “Wow, if he can afford lubricant, “he probably can afford breakfast. “This guy is great. I better put my teeth in, whoa.” All: ohh! – Oh, fuckin’ just pull back your mullet and take it. Geez. What’s going on here? In the commercial for lube, they always show the fun pre-lubing, never that post, awkward lube clean-up, you know? It’s just a total mess. You’re wearing a hazmat suit, your girl’s slipping on it, your dog’s licking it, there’s a thumbprint on the alarm clock. Oh. [Laughter] wow, the crowd’s rolling. It’s rolling. We’re on. Are you having a good time? Yeah, this is good, right? How about the—the row of guys who kinda look like me? You guys? It’s like the three—the mount rushmore of fuckin’ lonely. Here we are, just bald. There’s something about flip flops in this town that I don’t know if it’s either courageous or stupid. – Awesome! – How many puddles of vomit and urine and just discharge do you have to jump? Can I get a kahlua and cream and just a pot to boil my toes. Can I just—gonna go over to the voodoo shop and put some liniment on that now. Make yourself at home, man. Wow. He’s the first guy we’ve been taping ever. He’s the first guy who really made it his own. Did you get a lot of practice on that show cheaters? They’re sending their security in now, man. [Crowd groaning] uh-oh. The crowd is going—something’s happening here. – You ruined everything! – It’s a hostage situation. Well, hold his hand, help him down like a lady. Help down like a lady! What happened to the southern hospitality? [Mumbling] isn’t that the saddest thing? That’s the most exciting fucking thing that’s happened so far? Fuck. Don’t drink and drive. That’s what I’m saying, guys. Take a pedicab. They’re out there right now. That’s the way to see a town. Slow, hot, with just a hint of slavery. I love it. When I get out, I don’t tip ’em, I free them. I’m like, “keep running! “Keep running till you hit maryland! Keep pedaling and pumping.” This joke needs more cord! Help me out! Thank you. Fuck. Sounds like an episode of deadliest catch. Ugh. People want you to smoke the e-cigarette. Have you seen it? Yeah. I was smoking one of these things, people don’t like that. I was smoking it, a woman walks in front of me, she starts coughing and waving her hand in front of her face. Why? Oh, she doesn’t wanna get any science in her? Is that what it is? Oh, oh, secondhand new ideas. Oh! My hair smells like steven hawking’s ball sack. – Oh! – I’m just covering a fart. Go ahead. – Get louder! You gotta talk louder. – I—you can’t hear me? Wow, way to kill a boner with that voice. Holy shit. The anti-viagra. [Drawls] “hey, you comin’ in or what? This pussy isn’t gonna eat itself.” [Woman hollers] how about a hand for the guy that’s gotta fuck that? How about that now? [Applause] you wanted a hard motherfucker, I’m a hard motherfucker in this room! I was dating a girl with a lazy eye for a while. Mostly ’cause she was good at finding parking. But I’ll tell ya— [laughter] I’m the w— I’m the worst comic. I am just horrible. – Handicapped! – Oh, you’ve never driven around with a cockeyed bitch? Well, this whore— this half-lizard, she could find a spot two clicks back. She was that good. But I never could pull a facial on her. No, she could see it coming two days ahead of time. Facials. Not many women are into it, but if god didn’t want you to do it, why did he give you eyelids? All right? Scripture says! Women are into it, but then at the last second their dignity kicks in, now they turn away. Well, there’s no pause on a dick. Now you’re gonna catch one in the back of the head or as they call it up north “a lincoln.” I’ll tell ya— [laughter] some girls—some girls use their teddy bear as a secret service agent to block the shot. No. “You can’t come on a teddy bear. That’s cajun bad luck.” Jizz has no sound. That’s why guys add their own rough commentary to let the woman know that something that is not ice cream is about to hit her in the face. It’s called “being a gentleman” all right? [Laughter] it’s always rough, dirty talk. Like, “take it, you whore! You’re lovin’ this shit! “I’m dropping bombs. I’m dropping bombs! Flappity flippity! Aw—you’re adopted.” Now. They don’t mean that at all. But these guys—these guys are pornstars. They got multiple loads. I’m an old man. My load looks like a homeless guy blowing his nose on the street. It’s just— there’s no glory to it. It’s just a load, dribble, dribble, dribble, steam. That’s all it is. [Cheers and applause] we did it! Here’s to you, man. Excellent work, scott. Thank you very much. I love you, new orleans. You guys are great. Thank you. [Cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Birbiglia: My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-birbiglia-my-girlfriends-boyfriend-2013-full-transcript/

Wow. Hey, thank you. Thanks. Thank you, guys. Hey, Seattle. Nice to see you. Look at this. Look at us. We’re here. This is crazy. It’s insane. So about five years ago, pretty much everyone who I know started to get married, and that was strange for me because I don’t really believe in the idea of marriage. And that would have been fine, except I have a problem where sometimes when I think that I am right about something, it can be a real source of tension between me and the person I’m arguing with. And the reason it’s a source of tension is that I’m right. And so I remember distinctly talking to my friend Dana, and she goes, “Well, you don’t believe in marriage for you, but, of course, you believe in it for other people.” And I was like, “No, I think it’s insane, you know, for anyone.” And she said, “Why?” And I said, “Well, first of all, it just seems doomed.” You know, 50% of marriages end in divorce. That’s just first marriages, by the way. Second marriages, 60% to 62% end in divorce. Third marriages, 70% to 75% end in divorce. That’s a learning curve. Second of all, monogamy’s impossible, or at the very least, not a sure thing. When I say that, I think people assume that I’m implying that men are incapable of being faithful. I think women are just as incapable, but for more sophisticated reasons, you know. I mean, with men, we’re just really simple. We have a very simple sexuality. When I say that, my female friends are like, “Well, we like sex just as much as you do.” And I said, “Sure, but it’s different.” And they say, “How?” And I say, “Have you ever masturbated while driving a car?” Number three… I’m never gonna be happy. Why would anyone want to be a part of that? I think that’s not brought up often enough. I, um, I didn’t know that would be the reaction. Oh, no, that’s the hopeful part. The, uh… I had one ally in all this, which is my friend Andy, and he’s a comedian as well. Not only did we decide we weren’t gonna get married, we actually tried to stop other people we knew from getting married. Yeah, we were pretty good at it. Like, we stopped or put on hold three or four marriages, you know. We were… we were pretty good. I mean, we weren’t like the best in the world. I’m sure there are better in Europe. But we were… we were solid, you know. Like, so, like, for example, at point my friend Alex was about to get engaged. And so we just took him to dinner. And during dessert, we gave him a long, hard stare. We said, “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” And then we went cold to give him the sense of what it would feel like when we weren’t friends anymore. So February 27, 2007, I’m at Andy’s house in Los Angeles. And earlier in the night, I got in an argument with my girlfriend on the phone, and it was a bad one because I knew that I was right. And Andy was a perfect person to be with in this kind of a situation ’cause he’s the kind of friend who just takes your side regardless of whether you’re right. He says stuff like, “She sounds crazy.” Like, even if what she’s saying isn’t that crazy, like, you’d be like, “She only eats whole wheat bagels.” He’d be like, “She sounds crazy!” You’d be like, “That’s not even the crazy part!” You know. So I’m telling him about his argument. And he goes, “You’re right.” I go, “I know. I’m right.” He goes, “Yeah, you’re right.” I go, “I know I’m right. I got to tell her about this in the morning.” And I get in my rental car to head back to my hotel, and I’m driving out of Andy’s small road, and I’m t-boned! I don’t know if you’re familiar with this term, uh… This is the culinary way of describing when you are hit by another car driver’s side at a 90-degree angle, like a t-bone steak. And in 1 1/2 seconds, I’m spun around, and I think I’m dead. No, wait, I’m paralyzed. And then I hear nothing. And then I hear the other car skid out and drive away. I know. Let me tell you how this argument started. I met Jenny in St. Louis. My friend Andy and I were working for her company. They were performing for a bunch of wrestling coaches, which is really my demographic. I, uh… No, I was very nervous about this. I was actually kind of about to go onstage, and I was, like, scrawling notes on my napkin. A lot of times I’ll write kind of manic notes on napkins or hotel stationary. And Jenny looked at me, and she goes, “What are you doing?” And I said, “I’m writing my set list.” And then she goes, “I think it’ll be fine.” And I was like, “No, it won’t be fine.” And then she was like, “I think it will be okay.” And I said, “Why do you think that?” And she said, “Well, you look so nervous, I think they’ll feel sorry for you.” But Jenny has this really soft, sweet voice, like the kind of voice where you kind of get away with saying anything. At one point, she said, “It seems like you comedians are a lot funnier onstage.” Normally, I’d be offended by that, but in this instance, I was like, “You are right. That is a great point. You are beautiful, you know.” She re… she really was. You know, from the moment I met Jenny, I knew I wanted to sleep with her at least once. Stay with me. Uh, I mean… I mean that in, like, in the most meaningful way. Like, that was the most that I was capable of in my life at that point. I… I’d jus… I’d just come off a really long, difficult breakup with my college sweetheart where we were gonna get married, and… and then we weren’t. And then when we weren’t, I was so heartbroken, I just kind of swore off the idea of marriage or even living with someone entirely, you know, and… But from the moment I met Jenny, I just wanted to be with her. And I didn’t… I didn’t think it was gonna happen. Like, I don’t have that kind of confidence. I actually think of myself as a sex maybe, which is to say that if I’m seeing a girl, she’d think, “I’d have sex with him, maybe.” You know, and I’m… I’m not ashamed of that. There were periods in my life where I was a sex never. Or a sex with self always. Yeah. And often. Surprisingly often. Yeah, I just don’t give off a great first impression. Like, I’ll give you an example. Like, this is the shirt I decided to wear tonight. Like, I didn’t… I didn’t spill mustard on the real shirt and this is the backup shirt. I mean, this is my “A” outfit. My “B” outfit was naked. I like to dress down to perpetuate the myth that I might be a fixer-upper. I’ve reached this point in my life I don’t really look in the mirror before I leave my apartment. I glance at it to make sure I’m not bleeding. You know what I mean? Like… But I don’t stare at the mirror. If I stare at the mirror, I get angry. Like, I feel like I’m complaining about a bad call a ref just made. I’m like, “Come on!” “You’re blind if you’re leaving the house like that!” And the ref is God, and the competing teams are my gut and my receding hairline. And it’s a close game ’cause my gut is large and my hairline is fast, and I’m all riled up. I’m about to charge the field. And the guy comes by with fried dough. And I’m like, “Next time.” You know, that’s how I go for fried dough, ’cause I have a problem. I just… This is ridiculous. Can you follow me over here for a second? I’m gonna jump off stage. This is only in Seattle where someone is wearing no shoes? No shoes or socks? What? Who are you people? What is wrong with you? I would expect that behavior from this guy, but not you, sir, not you! What is this? Where do you think you are? From Seattle! Yeah, Seattle. So I’ve been going, uh, recently to a women’s exercise class. I-I’ve given up on having a traditional male physique. And so now I’m going for strong, independent woman. And, uh… It’s going pretty well, you know. I’m not as good in the class as you might think. Sometimes I’ll kind of skip whole sections of the more difficult exercises when the instructor isn’t looking. But then when she looks over, I always have to strike a pose as though I’ve been doing what everybody else has been doing. It reminds me of the Olympics. You know how they do gymnastics, how they’ll have those… The girls will do those crazy flips and twirls. And every once in a while… And I’m not saying I root for this to happen, but sometimes they’ll fall, and it’s ugly ’cause they’re rolling around like, “I’m in a lot of trouble. Like, I don’t even know how I got here.” But at the end of that, no matter what… And I totally fall for it. I’m like, “that can’t possibly be the same loser “From moments ago. “I mean, that’s a completely different person. “This person has much better posture, for starters.” I really wanted Jenny to come out with me and Andy that night in St. Louis ’cause we were going out to one of these famous Irish pubs where no one can hear anyone speak. And so I thought that might work to my advantage. I don’t know, and, uh… I didn’t have the nerve to ask her myself, and so I convinced Andy to ask her for us. And, uh… Pfft. Which… yeah, I don’t know if that was the best idea ’cause, uh, we’re heading… We’re in the car heading to the pub, and Jenny says, “Oh, I left my I.D. at the hotel.” And I was like, “Oh, we can just swing back and get it.” And she’s like… she’s like, “No, it’ll be fine.” I was like, “No, it won’t be fine ’cause it’s St. Patrick’s day, and there’s bouncers.” And she goes, “No, it’ll be okay.” And I was like, “No, it won’t be okay.” And then we get to the pub, and it was fine. Like, the bouncer just kind of waved her through, which has not been my experience with bouncers. For me, bouncers are like prison guards. And for Jenny, they’re like birthday clowns like, you know, “What can I do to make your day better?” You know, and that’s… We’re at the pub, and it had taken so much convincing for Andy to get Jenny to come out there. By the time she came out, she thought she was on a date with him. And, yeah, that wasn’t the idea. And so I said… I had to convince him to fall away as the night went on, like the red rockets on the space shuttle. And eventually, she realized she was on a date with me, and she was not happy about that. But, uh… But she warmed to me as the night went on ’cause she was drinking, and then, like… No, by the end of the night, we were laughing and having a good time, and we… I caught a break, which is we shared a ride back to our hotel with one of their friends, and she and I were stuffed in this little back seat together. And it was really quiet, so I could hear her soft voice. And she told me she had just come off a long, difficult breakup, and I told her about my breakup. And for a moment there in the back seat, it felt like we were holding up two halves of a broken paper heart, and… We get back to the hotel, and I offer to walk her to her room, and she says, “Sure.” We get to her door, and I didn’t want this night to end. And so I build up the courage to lean in to kiss her, and she says, “Oh, no, thank you.” Which I thought was polite… But disappointing. I mean, there’s something about a rejected kiss that is the most personal type of rejection because you’re really putting yourself out there. You’re just like, “I think we should connect mouths,” you know, and… The other person’s like, “I do not think we should connect mouths.” And those are… They’re two very different mouth agendas, you know. And then you just feel so stupid. You’re like, “I never should have suggested we connect mouths, you know.” This is a sore subject for me. I have sort of a long history of failed kisses. Like, I… I remember growing up, like, when people started making out. Like, in my time in Massachusetts, it was in seventh grade. I remember… I remember it like it was yesterday ’cause I was shocked. I was like, “People we know are just making out with other people we know?” “But how?” You know. It seemed like an alien ritual where these two aliens just attach orifices all of a sudden. I was like, “I am not doing that.” And collectively, all the girls in my class were like, “That is fine. “You are not on the list. “You’re not exactly a first-round draft pick for our new activity.” I was like, “Perfect.” It seemed so gross to me. And it still does kind of. Like, sometimes you hear these homophobic arguments from these guys who are like, “I don’t like when I see two dudes making out in the street.” And I feel that way about anyone. Like, making out is just sloppy. It’s like watching a dog eat spaghetti. That’s how I make out. Is that right? Does anybody know if that’s right? Okay, good. So… In seventh grade, I was like, “I’m not gonna make out with anybody.” And that was fine for a while, but increasingly, it kind of divided the class into two distinct parts. It was like, the make-out club and the non-make-out club. And these were informal organizations, of course. I mean, I would be sad if that were school-sanctioned, like, “we call this meeting of the non-make-out club to order. “First order of business, Nintendo. “Second order of business, why doesn’t anyone like us? Meeting adjourned.” I don’t know, it was a sad group, and we were losing good guys by the day. I feared… I feared that soon I would be the lone member of the non-make-out club, so I was like, “I got to try to get into the make-out club.” But it was a very intangible goal. I didn’t really talk to a lot of girls, and… There was one girl who sat in front of me in class named Lisa Bazetti who I had a huge crush on, but she was way out of my league. Like, she had many suitors. She had… I don’t… The rest of the show is in old English. Uh… She doth had many suitors! Uh, no, she had many, you know, admirers. And there were three of us, really, and I was in third place in all the trade publications, but I had one advantage over these other guys, which is she had to talk to me on the phone every night about homework, thanks to alphabetical order. Bazetti, Birbiglia. One time I said something on the phone that made her laugh, and I was like, “Oh, this is great. I got to do that more.” And one time we were on the phone, and she was laughing so hard, I remember so well ’cause she goes, “Mike, you got to stop. I’m gonna pee myself.” And I was like, “Wow.” This was the closest I’d ever come to a vagina. So spent the next 15 years trying to get Lisa Bazetti to pee. And that’s how I ended up here. Yeah. That’s how we all ended up here, in a sense. So… uh… So here’s what happened with Lisa. One time I built up the courage to ask her to go to the carnival with me, and she said yes. I couldn’t believe it. Like, all of a sudden I thought, “Well, maybe this will be like “one of those romantic comedy montages. “We’ll go to the carnival, we’ll get stuck “On the top of the Ferris wheel, we’ll make out. “It’ll all take a minute and a half, and it will be set to Phil Collins song.” But I think that when you’re 12 years old, you just don’t understand certain things about your digestive system. You don’t know that you shouldn’t eat popcorn and peanuts and ice cream and cotton candy and then step onto a machine called the scrambler. Cotton candy being the most insane of these items. It’s basically saying, “We’re gonna take sugar, “which everyone knows is bad, but then we’ll dress it up like insulation.” And I’m like, “I’m not sure “what the selling point is there. Is it the sugar or the insulation?” They’re like, “We already sold it.” I’m like, “well done, way to move the product before the information campaign disseminates.” I don’t know if you have the scrambler here in Seattle. I imagine you might. It travels on a truck. It is a very mobile scrambling unit. The premise is very simple. You just sit on a two-person pod with the person you are in love with, and that pod goes in a circle, which is part of a larger circle, which is part of an even grander circle. As I understand it, it was originally designed as a medical device for constipated patients. It was called the “shits of pants-erator,” and it was wildly successful. And then it was co-opted by the carnival workers of America. Cwoa. And they said… They said, “We like it, but we do feel like the name is a little bit of a turnoff.” And then one guy says, “Well, what about the ‘I think I’m gonna die-erator’?” And they’re like, “That’s good, “’cause it gets across the essence of how you feel “when you’re on the machine. “Plus it has the added wordplay with diarrhea, “which is a nice homage “to the original intention of the machine, “but we still feel like the name might be a little bit of a turnoff.” And then one guy goes, “well, what about the scrambler? ‘Cause it scrambles you!” They’re like, “We get it, Frank, but who…” Frank is a maniac. This guy can’t be stopped, but every once in a while, he’s got a good idea. “But who will be in charge of this dangerous piece of equipment?” And this one guy goes, “well, I have a nephew who’s 16 years old “and smokes pot 24 hours a day. I feel like he might be available.” And they’re like, “he sounds amazing. “We don’t even need to interview him. He sounds completely qualified.” I sit down with Lisa on the scrambler, and I’m feeling good. Like, she’s snuggling up close to me, and I’m thinking… I’m thinking like, “this could be it. “This could be where it’s all gonna happen. This is very special.” And then they put that bar seat belt down. And the bar seat belt is not a reassuring piece of safety equipment. It’s not a Ralph Nader approved item. I don’t think it’s saved lives. I think the only thing it’s ever done is in a scrambler accident, it’s just sort of held someone’s esophagus down to the pavement, making sure that they are dead and that they cannot talk about the scrambler accident. First rule of scrambler accident, don’t talk about scrambler accident. That’s from scrambler club. Well, I knew from the moment they put the bar seat belt down that I was going to throw up for sure. And I even said to the 16-year-old stoner, I was like, “hey, actually…” And then he was gone. Apparently, he doesn’t enjoy the second halves of sentences. So then I’m scrambling, and… As I am scrambling, I’m thinking, “I need to come up with a plan of some kind. I’m not going down without a fight.” My first plan was very simple. It was just don’t look at Lisa, don’t look at any other people. I was like, “don’t look at Lisa, “don’t look at any other people. “Don’t look at Lisa, “don’t look at any other people. I need a new plan.” And… The new plan was I needed to tell the scrambler operator… That he needed to stop the ride, but… The mathematics of the scrambler are such that the window of opportunity in which one can communicate with the scrambler operator is a very limited window. So I’m like, “I got to tell him he’s got to stop the ride. “I got to tell him he’s got to stop the ride. “I got to tell him he’s got to stop the ride. Please stop the ride!” And I’m back! “I’m not sure he heard me. “I got to say it louder. Please stop the ride! “I’m not sure he’s paying attention. I think he might be smoking pot right now.” The third time I said, “please stop.” And then I started throwing up, and it was not unlike an oscillating lawn sprinkler, just… Popcorn, peanuts… Insulation. Really, insulating the pavement with my homemade carnival salsa. I did not look at Lisa. But I’m pretty sure she was staring at me because I was a spectacle at that point. I was spectacular. And we did not make out. I did not lose my mouth virginity that evening. Two years later, it gets worse. Um… I’m at the St. John’s high school, what they call a cattle call dance. This is an all boys catholic school I attended where they would invite the girls from all over the state to our sweaty St. John’s gymnasium like cattle, which is a friendly way to describe women, you know. So… Cattle shows up at 8:00. We’ll make out with the cattle. Cattle goes home at 10:00. Then we go out for burgers. Completely separate from the cattle analogy. It was a horrible affair. It was just like this room chock-full of sweat and hormones and drakkar noir and led zeppelin and making out. At this point, I was, indeed, the lone member of the non-make-out club, but it was actually worse than that ’cause I had to lie to my friends and tell them I had had my first kiss ’cause it was, like, this really tough, all boys school. And so when they would ask, like, “oh, have you had your first kiss?” I’d be like, “yeah, like, all the time. Like, every… every week.” I always feared at some point there’d be a follow-up question like, “oh, yeah? What’s it like?” And I’d be like, “yeah, you know, it’s just like licking an ice cream cone.” And they’d be like, “no, it’s not. It’s like sucking on a rocket pop.” And I’d be like, “ah, wrong frozen dessert analogy.” I’m at the dance, and I’m flanked by my friend Sam Ricciardi. And we’re introduced by our friend Tom to these girls from his town. They were the last two cows at the dance. They were like, “moo!” And we were like, “moo!” And then Sam says one of these phrases I think we’ve all heard but is very uncomfortable to repeat. He says, “you get that one.” Which I know it’s the worst turn of phrase, but I’m comfortable saying it ’cause I know I’ve been on the negative end of that conversation where a girl says of me, “you get that one.” And then her friend goes like, “oof.” You know, or even worse… or even worse, like, “you owe me,” which really hurts thinking of someone incurring debt based on my appearance. I would hate to hurt someone’s credit score, you know. So he goes… he goes, “you get that one.” And then I’m just fast dancing with this girl, Sandra, to young mc’s bust a move. And I’m not great at fast dancing, but they had the strobe light going, so it’s only catching me one out of every five… Hey! So she’s losing interest, but at 1/5 the speed. And then I’m saved by a slow song, Stairway to Heaven, which is a classic make-out anthem. Led Zeppelin, eight minutes long. What’s great about slow dancing is you can’t really mess it up ’cause it’s just sort of a slow-motion hug. Like, the only way you could mess it up is if you just started fast dancing in the middle of it. She’d be like, “what are you doing?” And I’d be like, “I don’t pick up on social cues,” you know. But it’s such a long song, you know, Stairway, so I’m just trying not to fidget. I’m sort of a fidgety person. I feared if I fidgeted too much, I might initiate the head tilt too early. I didn’t know anything about making out, but I’d seen people do it. I could see there’s, like, a head tilt. I had heard there were tongues involved. And I could see that there was, like, some kind of space in between the two mouths. To me that was the most mysterious part of the whole thing. What is happening in that space? There is no… You know, there’s no video documentation of that area. It’s like the giant squid of making out. No one has seen it alive. They’ve only seen it washed up on the shore… Which is more specific to the squid side of that analogy, but… So I’m trying not to fidget. Then with 1 1/2 minutes left in stairway to heaven, the song hits that crescendo… All around me, kids start to make the tilt. Just a harvest of teenagers making out all around me. And I was like, “oh, no. I don’t want to be alone anymore.” And I make the slightest tilt. And then Sandra comes in strong, and then it’s an all-out mouth war. And she had artillery ’cause she had braces. It was like a dog eating spaghetti and the fork. As this oral atrocity is taking place, all I can think is, “I’m not alone anymore! I’m not in the non-make-out club!” And all I wanted to do was tell my friends, but I couldn’t because up until that point, I’d lied and said that I’d had my first kiss. I walked off the dance floor, Sam was like, “how’d it go, dude?” I had to be like, “same as always. Pretty smooth.” As the week wore on, I started to convince myself, “well, maybe it did go well, “and I should call Sandra, and this could bud into a relationship of some kind,” but… I got her number from Tom, and those conversations ended up being very brief, you know. We didn’t have a lot to talk about. I remember just being like, “hey, you like full house? “Me neither. Cool. All right. Later.” You know what I mean? At certain points, I remember getting this vibe from her, kind of like, “why are you calling me?” And I remember thinking, “oh, I’m probably reading into that one too much,” and… And then she stopped calling me back. And I was like, “oh, yeah, I read into that one perfectly.” But I just felt so dumb about the whole thing, and the worst part is I couldn’t even tell my friends, until one day I was… I was standing by my locker with my friend Tom, and so I said to him, I was like, “hey, what’s going on with Sandra? Like, she hasn’t called me back.” And Tom has this knowing grin on his face. I was like, “what?” Tom was like, “nothing.” And I was like, “what?” Tom was like, “nothing.” And I was like, “what?” Tom’s like, “oh.” “I talked to Sandra, and she said “you’re the worst kisser she’s ever kissed.” And it was so devastating ’cause not only was it probably true, but I couldn’t explain to my friends why it was true. I couldn’t say, “that makes sense. I’ve never done that before.” So instead I had to play it off. I had to be like, “yeah, that sounds about right. “I’m a terrible kisser. That’s kind of my thing.” So I lean in to kiss Jenny, and she says, “oh, no, thank you.” She agrees to go out with me in New York. We were both living in New York, and she gave me her number, and I typed it in my phone, and from that point on, she would be “Jen, Irish pub, nice.” A few weeks later, I took her out to a restaurant I couldn’t afford to show her how much money I could put on my credit card. We’re out to dinner, and she says to me, she goes, “everyone hates me at work,” and I said, “why would they hate you? I love you.” She goes, “you love me?” I go, “I mean, you seem cool.” I pulled it back. I didn’t want to show all my cards. Just about nine of them. One of the other things that she said of note on this date is she said, “you know, sometimes I’ll date two people at once, and that way I’m never let down by either person.” I said, “that seems like a really smart plan. Like, I’d like to do that as well.” And she said, “I’m still kind of seeing my ex-boyfriend, John, and you can see other people too, but you have to tell me if you’re seeing them.” And I was like, “all right, sounds like a plan. “Got it. Break! I got to go find some more people, you know.” And so a few nights later, I’m in another city, and I do a show, and after the show, I went out to a bar, and I ended up making out with this random girl. Then a few nights later, I’m out to dinner with Jenny, and she says, “how was your trip?” And I said, “it was great. I did some shows, “and then one night I ended up making out with this random girl.” And that didn’t go over very well in the conversation. I could sense that something was wrong. And I was like, “but I’m right about that, right? Like, I’m supposed to tell you if that happens, right?” And she says, “yeah, but it doesn’t mean “that I won’t lose interest in you.” And I said, “that’s a whole new clause! “That’s a twist! What is this, the romantic comedy version of the usual suspects?” I said, “are you still seeing John?” And she said, “sometimes.” I said, “well, don’t you see the contradiction in that?” And she says, “yes.” And it gets very quiet… Because we were falling in love. Three weeks into my relationship with Jenny, I built up the courage to ask her to go on a trip to Bermuda. I wanted to show her how much more money I could put on my credit card. Since I didn’t have a lot left, we went to Bermuda ’cause it was the off season. You can get these great deals online. Because as it turns out, when it’s winter in New York, it is also winter… In Bermuda, and, uh… Jenny and I meet up at the airport, and she’s late, which is a big pet peeve of mine. I fancy myself as a professional traveler. I’m always two hours early, I have my pocket for my ticket and my passport, and I have laceless moccasins. I never tell jokes about bombs. And… and Jenny’s late. And then we get to security, and I’m not making this up, she doesn’t have a license or a passport. And I said, “what do you mean?” I go, “how do you travel?” And she goes, “well, “usually, they let me on the plane with my credit card and my work I.D.” I don’t like to dwell on the differences between men and women, but I just can’t imagine a scenario where a man would go to the airport with no license and no passport, and they would let him on the plane. But women get a pass on things like this that I find completely bewildering. I mean, if I were in charge of Al-Qaeda, for example, what… what I would do is I would recruit attractive women because they’re just not stopped under any circumstances. Although it would be difficult to recruit them because all they have to offer are the 72 virgins and, you know, the women wouldn’t want that, unless they’re lesbians, although there’s an idea, you know. Al-Qaeda… Al-Qaeda could recruit hot lesbians, although… then they’d have to guarantee that the 72 virgins are also lesbians. I mean, what are the odds, you know? All 72 virgins are also lesbians, unless you think of sexuality as, like, a blank slate concept where the first person you have sex with dictates your sexual identity. Like the 72 virgins are like, “I didn’t even know I was a lesbian “until I had sex with that hot lesbian terrorist. “And now that’s all I’m into. “I used to be into these Afghani guys who are so crazy, “they’d die in a fiery plane crash to have sex with me “and 71 of my friends. But now I don’t see Khalid in the same way anymore.” The point is, we went to Bermuda, and we’re on the flight… On the flight, and the flight attendant comes over, and she puts champagne glasses down in front of us. And she says, “congratulations on your honeymoon.” And we said, “oh, no, thanks. We’re not on our honeymoon.” And she walks away, and Jenny says, “that’s so funny. I don’t think I’ll ever go on a honeymoon.” And I said, “oh, really?” And she goes, “yeah. I don’t think I’d ever want to get married in my life.” And I said, “oh, really?” I go, “me too.” I said, “is that based on a principle, “or did you have a bad relationship? Like, what was your first boyfriend like?” And… She told me about her first boyfriend Brian. It was… they were at the same bus stop when they were 16, and they would make out on the bus, and they were together for six years. And they… you know, their relationship got deeper, and they would talk about how they were gonna get married and spend the rest of their lives together. And I said, “then what?” And she said, “he died. He had leukemia.” And I said, “well, do you ever talk about this with anyone?” And she says, “no, I don’t really like to talk about it.” But these were the kinds of conversations we started having on this trip where Jenny was opening up to me, and I was opening up to her. And every night we’d be up till 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, and we were so happy, we… At one point, I was like, “well, we should do this again. “We should go on another trip. And you could get a license or a passport.” Jenny said, “that sounds great, “but I don’t think I’d get a license or a passport ’cause they don’t make me get one.” And I was like, “yeah, but it’s the law.” You know. Jenny says, “yeah, I don’t think I’ll get one “’cause they don’t make me get one, you know. That’s how I feel.” That’s how Jenny argues things. Sometimes she’ll just say, “that’s how I feel.” And I’ll say, “that’s not an argument.” “Like, we’re not even in an argument right now because you don’t have an argument.” And she’ll say, “I just won that argument.” And I’ll say, “that’s not even possible based on the definition of what an argument is.” And she’ll say, “I just won that argument,” again. “That’s how I feel.” You could see how this could be a little bit maddening, you know, uh… On our final day on the trip, we got into an argument about essentially nothing. She noticed there was a basketball court at our hotel, and she said, “we should play.” And I was like, “yeah, but not, like, a game.” And she said, “why?” And I said, “well, ’cause I’d win.” And she said, “no, I think I would win.” I go, “no. I know that I’d win, “and I know that what I’m supposed to say is that… “The guy says, ‘I’ll win,’ the girl says, ‘I’ll win,’ “and the guy lets her win, and then she likes him more. But I just don’t have that in me.” And Jenny goes, “you don’t have to let me win. Let’s go out and play.” And so we went out and played basketball, and I just kicked her ass. I mean, it was just like… It was just like… 10 to 1, you know, 11 to 1. I mean, I was having a good day, but still, I was just destroying her. And at one point, she literally said, “I’ve never met someone who’s so obsessed with the score.” And I said, “the score is what makes it a game!” So we’re arguing this over lunch, and then, again, it comes up at dinner, and then we’re still arguing about it at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning about essentially nothing. And she said, “I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with being right.” I go, “I’m not obsessed with it. I just am.” I said, “why do you think you’re right?” And she says, “that’s how I feel.” I said, “if you think I’m so wrong about everything, why are you even with me?” And Jenny says, “you can’t choose who you love.” Which is true, but it doesn’t mean it’s good. I remember the first time I fell in love, I was in high school, and it was that first time where you fall in love, and you’re just like, “this is it. I found her. I’m 17 years old, and I’m done, you know.” And… Her name was Amanda, and she was, like, adorable and funny. And what was really exciting for me was that she was, like, a delinquent. Like, I was like this play-by-the-rules school citizen, and she had been expelled from her previous school for dealing acid, which I thought was a really strong quality. Like, at one point, she was like, “it was totally messed up because it wasn’t even me. It was this other girl, and I was framed.” And I was just like, “awesome.” Like no one would ever frame me for anything. I just… I thought it was like an opposites attract situation. She wanted to know what it was like to hang out with someone in student government who writes for the newspaper. And I wanted to know what it was like to be cool. At one point, I was like, “do you want to write an article for the newspaper?” She goes, “I don’t want to write an article. I want to do things people write articles about.” And I was like, “good answer.” I find that when you fall in love, you tend to overlook certain red flags. One of them was that she would say really mean stuff to me, but then she would pull it back. She’d be like, “no one likes you at all. Only kidding.” Or, like, “you’re like a nerd, but you’re not even smart. Just joking.” Can’t choose who you love. Second red flag with Amanda was that she was a liar. And I don’t… I don’t mean that in an offensive way. Like, lying was kind of like a… It’s like a sport at the school I was at. I transferred from the all boys school to this co-ed school. There was this one guy in my class named Keith Robbins who was a legendary liar. You’d know when he was lying ’cause he would lick his finger like a bookie, and he would dart his eyes from side to side. And he’d go, “yeah, yeah, nice. Nice, you know.” And he wasn’t even handling money. Like, I don’t even know what this is about. And then he would lie about things that were sort of insignificant. He’d be like, “yeah, my uncle’s Tony Robbins, “motivational speaker. Yeah, nice, you know.” And… We found out that that wasn’t even true. But even if that were true, that wouldn’t be impressive to a bunch of high school students. But I think that’s the jedi level of lying, is you lie about little stuff, and no one notices when you’re lying about big stuff. It’s like banking. The final red flag with Amanda was that she told me not to tell anyone that she was my girlfriend. I know. I’m in the future also. I think we can all see now ’cause we’re so smart, and Mike’s so dumb, and, uh… You know, I can also see, in retrospect, that’s a much bigger red flag than I perceived it to be at the time, but I was so excited she was even with me at all. And she said she had another boyfriend at home, but they were in the process of breaking up, but it was a bad time ’cause his parents were sick. And so I tried to be understanding of that. You know, I went along with it for a few months until she invited me to meet her parents. And I thought, “well, this is the affirmation that I need. I’m gonna be crowned as the main boyfriend.” And I drive my mom’s station wagon to Amanda’s parents’ house, and I walk in the front door, and there’s Amanda, and there’s her parents, and it’s going well. And a few hours go by, and this other guy comes over to the house, and his name is Scott. I’m assuming he’s, like, a family friend or a relative. And slowly I’m noticing similarities between Scott and things that Amanda has said about her other boyfriend. They’re both in their first year in college, and they’re competitive wrestlers, and… It’s dawning on me that I’m hanging out with my girlfriend’s boyfriend. And it’s going pretty well. I mean, he… He seemed like a nice guy. I could totally see what she saw in him. There was some consolation that when he would go in the other room to the kitchen or the bathroom, she would hold on to my hand, and she would say, “I wish it were just you and me here.” And I remember thinking, “you could make that happen.” The way she said it was as though she weren’t involved in the decision process, like, “I’d love to, but the boys in corporate…” Well, the day took an even stranger turn when Scott suggested that we go hang out at his house. And I met his parents. It is indescribable meeting your girlfriend’s boyfriend’s parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons, but then part of you still wants to make a good impression. You know, you’re like… “Maybe if this goes well, she’ll see that I’m good with adults in general!” As a side note, his parents seemed in perfect health. At one point, his dad even said to me, “how do you know Amanda?” And I said, “we’re just friends from school.” And I was so ashamed, and I felt so dumb. And I drove home, and I remember thinking, “I am never gonna let this happen to me again.” So… Ten months into my relationship with Jenny, she invites me to meet her parents. And this was a tricky time. At this point, our relationship was intense, but casual, which is a dangerous relationship cocktail, and it was a hard thing to organize ’cause I was away probably five days out of the week. And so we found a Sunday where I was coming back from a five-day stint in Texas, which was awful ’cause it was… In Texas. And I… that’s… That’s not to say I dislike Texas entirely. It’s such a large thing to dislike. And, uh… But that week it felt like Texas just disliked me, and I just kind of disliked Texas back to the point where I developed a small drinking problem, which is… which is very popular in Texas. I was performing at a comedy club. Now, comedy… I love comedy clubs ’cause they’re sort of a high-low entertainment proposition. Like, in some ways, though, they’re the last bastions of free speech and the art of spoken word, and then some of them sell dildo straws, you know. Like, there’s 15 bachelorette parties coming through on the weekends, and they’re handing out gummy penises or whatever. That’s… that’s actually a thing. I didn’t even realize that… I didn’t realize that that was part of the female fantasy of the penis was… was the gummy quality of the penis. I feel like if I were in charge of the candification of the penis, it would be hard candy. And then if… And then, if you suck it down to the gummy part, then you just sort of put that off to the side. But I… but that’s… that’s not my job. I’m… you know, I leave that to the experts, but I just… I just do the comedy part. But I was performing at this club all week, and after the late show Saturday night, I was approached by this bachelorette party that had one of these sort of novelty sexual checklist things. And… I’d been drinking all week, and, uh, I always try to be a team player, you know. So I was like, “whatever I can do to help. I don’t see how this could end badly.” And, uh… The next morning, I wake up in the my hotel room, and I’m hung over, and I’m groggy. And I roll out of bed, and I run to the airport to catch my flight. I’m still two hours early, and… I land in New York, and I get a cab to Jenny’s parents’ house. And I walk in the front door, and there’s Jenny, and there’s her parents. And there’s her other sort of ex-boyfriend, John. And he wasn’t front and center. Like, he was just kind of around, like, he was in the pool, like, wading and doing laps, like, that kind of thing. But I pulled Jenny aside, I was like, “well, what’s John doing here?” And she says, “well, he and I aren’t still together, “but when we were together, “he became friends with my stepdad, “and he’s been staying here at their house the last couple weeks.” And I said, “you know, that’s not good. I feel like that gives him the edge.” Jenny’s staring at me. And I said, “what?” She says, “you have a hickey on your neck.” And I said, “I don’t think that’s true.” And then I glance at the mirror next to me and realize that, in fact, I do have a hickey on my neck. And I say, “I’m really sorry.” And she says, “where is that from?” And I said, “there was this bachelorette party, and I was drunk.” That sentence never comes out right. I mean, there’s no way to deliver that line in a way that makes you seem even okay, and… We start arguing, and the argument follows us all the way back to the street in front of my apartment. I didn’t have a leg to stand on. I was like, “well, what about John? What was he doing there?” She said, “you have a hickey on your neck.” I said, “yeah, but at least I told you the truth.” And she said, “eventually.” And I said, “eventually is better than never!” And then she kneed me in the balls. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this before. I’m sure half of you have not. Uh… It’s like being electrocuted, except you don’t get to die. It’s like you want to die, but you can’t. And there’s a person in your face saying, “you deserve this,” which they wouldn’t even do in electrocutions. I think they would deem that as inhumane.  Even in Texas. Jenny says, “I think that we should just break up. “You know, it’s not just this. “I mean, you’re away a lot of the time. “And even when you’re here, you work at night, “and I work in the day. I just don’t think it’s gonna work out.” And I said, “okay.”  And we were apart for about six months, and I missed her so much, but I kept resisting calling her ’cause I wanted to give her space. And every once in a while I’d get a glimmer of hope in the form of a text message from “Jen, Irish pub, nice.” And it would just say, “hi.” And I’d write back, “hi.” It was the smallest form of communication two people could have with one another, but I think, in some ways, kept us together. And finally, on new year’s, I caved in, and I called her, I said, “hey, I really miss you, and I want to see you.” And we got together for coffee. And we hit it off just like we used to, and we decided we would get back together. We had a great period there, you know. I took her to get a license and a passport. First, we went for her social security card, and then we took that to the D.M.V. And then we mailed all of that to the government for a passport. It was like the triple crown of identifications. Jenny was wildly identifiable. One night, she was heading back from my apartment to hers, and she stops. And I said, “what?” And she says, “I think that we should live together.” And I said, “no, I really don’t think that’s a good idea. “You know, I’ve just decided, you know, as a principle, “I’m not gonna get married or live with someone. It’s not personal.” And she said, “well, unless we live together, “I just don’t think it’s gonna work out “’cause we just don’t see each other enough, “and I don’t think that we stand a chance. That’s how I feel.” So we moved in together. And one day, Jenny gets an invitation to the wedding of one of her friends, and she invites me to come along. And I said, “oh, no, thanks.” That doesn’t go over so well. She says, “why?” And I said, “well, as you know, “I don’t believe in marriage, and so I don’t buy into the flamboyant pageantry that goes into celebrating it.” She said, “well, what do you believe in?” And I said, “I don’t know.” She said, “well, if you don’t believe in anything, how can you not believe in marriage?” And I said, “well, first of all, “you know, it just doesn’t seem necessary. “I mean, is it… you know, “marriage is an archaic institution “invented in the middle ages based on exchanging property. “I don’t want to be a part of that. “Second of all, I don’t even think we have “a common cultural understanding of what marriage even is. “I mean, one of me and Andy’s friends “was about to get engaged, and we were skeptical, “and we said, ‘are you sure this is the person “you want to be with for the rest of your life?’ “and he goes, ‘yeah, I think so.’ “and we said, ‘well, what if she gets in a car accident, “and she’s disfigured? Would you stay with her then?’ “and he said, ‘maybe’! “That is not an acceptable answer! “Third of all, if I’m so in love, “why does it need to be written into a government contract? “And I’m not one of these like, “‘I don’t want government up in my business’ kind of people! “I think the government does a nice job “delivering the mail and suggesting I don’t eat poison, “but I just don’t understand why they need to be involved “in my personal relationships. “Then finally, if marriage is religious, “shouldn’t I believe in the religion? “I’ve been to more weddings of my friends “where the people on the altar don’t believe “in the religion of the church they’ve invited us to! “Some of them even go to classes with the priest “in advance, to more elaborately lie “about believing in a religion they don’t believe in “just to have a wedding in a fancy building! “That is insane! That’s how I feel!” So I explain this to Jenny. And Jenny says, “well, if you ever did want to get married, I would marry you.” And I said, “why? Aren’t you listening to any of this?” And Jenny says, “that’s how I feel.” At this point, it was 5:00 in the morning, we’d been arguing all night, and we hadn’t slept. I had to catch a flight at 6:20 A.M. Out of Newark airport to Los Angeles for a show I was doing that night. At this point, I’m overtired, and I’m angry, and I’m late. I’m stuffing my things in my roller suitcase. And I walk out of our apartment. It’s 5:00 A.M., that part of the morning before the earth even exists, before they program The Matrix or whatever. You walk out of your apartment, part of the road isn’t even there. There’s a guy with a laptop going, “we need a road, stat! What’s the code for building, tank?” You know, and I get to the airport. The news hasn’t even started yet. It’s just an anchor looking around like, “what are you up to?” And I get to the kiosk, and I print up my ticket, and I bring it to the security lady, and she looks at me, and she goes, “well, that ain’t your gate.” Like, I guess they changed the gate, but the way she said it was as though I had participated in the decision of changing it. I was like, “I was not involved in this process. I wasn’t even C.C.’d.” Like, as though I had gone to the kiosk and been like, “B22. Like hell I’m flying out of B22.” And then I photoshopped my own ticket, printed it out, and been like, “this is where I’m going.” You know, I’m not that aggressive as a traveler, so I was like, “well, where is this gate?” She goes, “it’s in another terminal. You got to take a tram.” She points to the tram, and I start walking my roller suitcase, and I hear her say, “and you better run.” Like, I guess I was late at that point. So I started running. And the roller suitcase does not enjoy running. The roller suitcase was like, “I don’t want to run. I have wheels.” And I was like, “I don’t want to run either, but this is what we have to do. “I tell you what, when we get to the hotel, I’ll walk you in circles for a few hours.” Then I… I get to the tram, and it has that feature where it says how many minutes before the next tram arrives. And it says zero minutes. I was like, “perfect. That’s exactly how long I want to wait.” But the tram’s riding away. I was like, “that’s -1 minute!” Then it says ten minutes, and I’m experiencing that psychological downward spiral like, “oh, great, I’m gonna miss my flight, “and then I’m gonna miss every flight from now on, “and I’m gonna miss my family reunion. “And then I’m not gonna have a family, and then I’m gonna be a crack whore.” And it’s like, all of a sudden, I’m a crack whore just because I miss this one flight. I can feel the cancer forming in my body in real time and… I get on the next tram ten minutes later, and I run to the gate, and I’m sweaty, and I’m out of breath, but I’m on time. And I’m so relieved that I sit down in a chair at the gate, and I fall asleep. And I wake up to the sound of the door shutting. I jump up, and the door is closed, and I am on the sad side of the door. The happy side has an airplane and a pilot. The sad side is me and the Cinnabon lady. Normally, I’d be very excited if it were just me and the Cinnabon lady. I’m a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that have enough calories for a year. I think that’s an effective use of time. But in this instance, I needed someone who could communicate with the people on the plane. And the Cinnabon lady is not very well connected in the airline community. I was like, “do you know these people?” She was like, “all I know is the white stuff goes on the cinnamon bun.” I ran up to the giant glass window. I started pounding on the window like in a romantic comedy. I was like, “Drew Barrymore’s character, come back!” She didn’t come back, and I missed my flight. I got on the next one they could get me on. There was a stopover in Texas. You know how I feel about Texas. And, uh, I get to Los Angeles late that night, and I’d missed my show. I’d never missed one of my shows before, and I’m so angry. And Jenny’s calling me, but I’m not picking up the phone ’cause I’m blaming this entire day on her. I get back to my friend Andy’s house, and I said, “Andy, this relationship is messing up my entire life!” And Andy goes, “you’re right.” I go, “I know! I’m right!” He goes, “yeah, you’re right.” I go, “I know, I’m right! I got to tell her about this in the morning!” I drive out of Andy’s small road, and I’m t-boned. That’s the culinary way of describing it. In 1 1/2 seconds, I’m spun around, and I think I’m dead. No, wait, I’m paralyzed. And then I hear nothing. Then I hear the other car skid out and drive away. 20 minutes later I’m sitting on a curb. At this point, the police have arri… have arrived, as well as my friend, Andy, and that’s when I start crying. You know how when you drop a baby on the ground, it doesn’t… Doesn’t start crying right away because it doesn’t understand the concept of dropping a baby on the ground until it sees your face? And then it’s like, “oh, I guess I should be doing something “that matches that. Waah!” I’m crying because I’m looking at my totaled car in front of me and realizing that, in that moment, I might have ceased to exist. Like I said earlier, I don’t really believe in anything, so in my mind, that would have been the end of all things I’d experienced in my life. Every kiss or failed kiss or scrambler ride would come to a conclusion, and… The officer comes over, and he says, “what happened?” And I said, “I got hit by this car, “and then I heard nothing, and then I heard the other car skid out and drive away.” The officer points over to the light. The other car has made a right turn at the light and veered into this very skinny tree. I can’t help but think, “that’s karma. That’s a hit and run and hit.” And then the officer puts this form in my face, and he goes, “sign this.” And I said, “well, what does it mean?” And he goes, “it means you’re okay and that we can leave.” I was really shaken up. I was like, “I don’t know if I’m okay.” And he goes, “just sign it,” which is a very unattractive quality. When someone just repeats a command that you’ve just said no to, and it’s unattractive, but very effective, you know. I signed it. Andy takes me to the hospital just as a precaution, but we have to wait two hours ’cause the other driver had beat us there, and… Eventually, we’re with the doctor, and Andy says to him, he goes, “well, was the other guy drunk?” And the doctor says, “well, I can’t answer that.” And Andy says, “was he?” He uses the technique we had learned earlier, and it works, you know. The doctor says, “well, he’s heading to jail now.” And Andy and I flash each other a look like the hardy boys, like, “case closed.” A few hours later, we’re back at Andy’s house, it’s probably around 3:30 in the morning, and I have one of these epiphanies people sometimes have when they have near-death experiences. I say, “I need to call Jenny and tell her that we need to get married.” And Andy says, “Mike… Sleep on it.” And I said, “no, no, no, this makes perfect sense.” And I pick up my phone, and I dial her number. And he puts his hand over the phone, and he says, “Mike… Sleep on it.” He saves me. The next morning, I fly back to New York, and a few weeks later, I get a call from my rental car agency explaining that the accident report had come back on the accident that I just described. And it had found me at fault and that I owed… And I’m not making this up… $12,000 for the repairs on the other driver’s Mercedes S.U.V. And I was like, “well, this can’t be happening.” I explained to the woman, “I think it’s a misunderstanding. “The other guy was clearly drunk. It was definitely not my fault.” And she said, “I’m really sorry, but unless they change the accident report, you owe this money.” So I requested the accident report, and I’m gonna show you the actual accident report tonight. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of these things before… But it’s a little bit like homework for cops. And officer timson not so good with the homework. He consistently mixes up passenger one and passenger two, vehicle one and vehicle two. At one point, so badly that he says P-1… that’s me… started to go, but all of a sudden V-1… That’s me also… Came at a high rate of speed, crashing into him. Now, I’m pretty self-destructive as a person, but I would never crash into my own car with my own car, nor would I understand how you could do that. This part is even crazier. The other driver’s statement at the scene of the accident was, “I was on Venice going… uh, I’m not too sure. “I was going away from the beach. “I was driving. “I don’t know what happened. “Did I hurt anyone? “I don’t know where I was going, “but I came from home. I had a sip of beer.” Which is really everyone’s favorite quantity of beer. Just the one sip, right? That’s what they serve these days at the home/beach/pub. So all of it’s mine. The officer makes one key mistake. He checks the box that finds me at fault. So I’m like, “I need to get officer Timson on the phone, so we can clear up this misunderstanding.” The problem is he keeps ducking my calls, and I know ’cause I’m calling two or three times a day, leaving messages, calling departments next to his department, so he knows I’m trying to reach him. And finally, after a month of this, I get him on the phone, and I’m so relieved. And I explain this misunderstanding. And he listens to me, and he says, “do the right thing, and pay for the guy’s car.” I know, and, I mean, that’s what I said. I go, “aren’t you listening to any of this?” I go, “and this guy was clearly drunk. “I mean, he nearly killed me. “Inches from where he hit, “and I would be dead right now. “And he wants me to pay for his car? “Don’t you see how crazy that is, just as one human being to another?” And he says, “do the right thing, and pay for the guy’s car.” And he hangs up the phone. And at this point, this stops being about money, and it’s just about stopping a man who has no regard for people or the law. This is Chinatown! So I started printing up Google maps of the scene of the accident and California state driving law. I’m on the phone with lawyers and private investigators. There’s only one lawyer who would consider the case. And he was an accident lawyer, and he said, “did you have any loss of income from the accident?” And I said, “no,” and he says, “did you have any loss of income from the accident?” And I said, “no. This isn’t about money.” And he doesn’t take the case, and this is when I start going completely mad. I’m up to about 4:00 or 5:00 A.M. every night just surfing the web. I get a subscription to a site called netdetective.com, which is a great site for vigilantes who have $29.95. So now I know this guy’s name, I know where he lives, I know what he does for a living. And in my mind, it becomes like a trailer for a revenge thriller. Like, “Jim Bosworth thought he was gonna get away with this, “but Jim Bosworth had another thing coming: Mike Birbiglia.” I was like, “I’m gonna track down Jim Bosworth. “I’m gonna sue Jim Bosworth, and I’m gonna sue the entire Los Angeles police department!” At this point, people stopped talking to me entirely. My friends would call me like, “hey, what’s going on?” I’d be like, “I’ll tell you what’s going on!” I’d tell them this whole story. And they’d be like, “you should get a lawyer.” I’d be like, “this is way past lawyers! A lawyer wouldn’t even touch this!” ‘Cause he wouldn’t. The only person who would talk to me at this point was Jenny. One night, we were out to dinner at a restaurant, and she’s talking to me, but I’m not listening ’cause I’m writing down ideas I have for the case on my napkin. I’ve drawn out a diagram of the intersection, and the angles the cars are coming from and going to and the lanes that we were in, the laws the other driver broke, and the phone numbers I’m gonna call that week. And I’m so angry, I’m writing over my own handwriting to the point where I’m ripping through the napkin. And Jenny looks at me, and she says, “what are you doing?” And I said, “well, this is my case.” And she says, “well, why don’t you work on that in the morning?” And I said, “well, which part of this napkin don’t you understand?” Jenny says, “Mike… “You’re right, “but it’s only hurting you, “and I’m just so glad that you’re alive, and I think that we should focus on that.” She only has to say it once, and I give up the case, and I pay for this guy’s car. July 7, 2007, Jenny and I went to city hall and got married. I still didn’t believe in the idea of marriage, and I still don’t. But I believe in her, and I’ve given up on the idea of being right. Thank you guys very much. Thank you. Thank you guys so much! Thanks for coming here tonight and joining me.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

STEWART LEE: 90s COMEDIAN (2006) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-90s-comedian-2006-full-transcript/

Recorded on 10 March 2006 at Chapter Arts, Canton, Cardiff PRE-SHOW MUSIC: MILES DAVIS’S KIND OF BLUE VOICE OFF: Please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome onto the stage Mr Stewart Lee! Thank you. Ah. It’s great to be back. Um. Now, I’m going to, I’m going to tell you a story, right, it’ll take about, um, an hour and fifteen minutes, er, which is sort of a bit too long for a show without an interval. But it’s also not long enough to split into two halves. It’s kind of disappointing either way. But it is a little bit too long, so if you need to go for a wee during that, you can do that and I’m not the sort of person that picks on anyone. Also, if you become bored or irritated, er, you can also go. Likewise, if you’re watching this at home on a DVD and you need to go for a wee, you can just pause it and you can go and I’ll have no problem with that. I won’t even know that it’s happening, literally. Um, so. This is a story about a load of stuff that happened to me last year. Now, on, um, Thursday 7th July – 7/7 – I woke up in London … at about midday, and already I can sense people going, yeah, course you did, Stew, you slept through that major news event because you are a lazy stand-up comedian, right, but that’s not strictly true. What happened was I didn’t get in till about half past three the night before because I’d been driving back from Lincoln, where I’d been doing what was optimistically billed as an Edinburgh Fringe warm-up gig, right? And what happened in Lincoln was I went out in this little club, about sixty people, and before I could say anything a guy down on my left had made the noise of an animal, which I correctly identified as being a sheep, right. To try and nip that in the bud, to try and stop it from building, I said, ‘A sheep there. And any other noises of any other animals you want to make, I will be able to identify correctly.’ But what happened was that the people of Lincoln took that as an invitation to spend the next thirty-five, forty minutes making the noises of increasingly complex and obscure animals, all of which I was able to identify correctly. Until, by about half past ten, I’d started to wonder if I’d perhaps been wrongly advertised as being a man that would come from London, the city, and correctly identify the animals of Lincolnshire from their sounds alone, in case the people of Lincoln didn’t know what we called them. But eventually all that subsided, and I thought, ‘Right, I’ll get on with my ace new stuff now.’ But before I could do that, a guy down on the right with long curly hair and little round glasses, he started shouting out catchphrases from a television programme I did eleven years ago that as a rule most people have forgotten, right. So I had to explain to the other confused fifty-nine people in the room that I used to do this thing in 1995 that used to get two million viewers, and then they started to feel like they were watching a performer in decline. OK, so, that’s why I got in late on Wednesday the 6th of July, woke up late Thursday the 7th of July. And the first thing I did on 7/7 when I woke up was I checked all my emails, right. And the first one in was from an American comic called Jackie Kashian that I’d worked with in Perth in June. And it was just one line, it just said, ‘Are you all right?’ So I emailed back, ‘Yes, fine thanks, how are you?’ And the next one was from a New Zealand comic called Ben Hurley who I’d worked with in Auckland in May, same thing, one line, ‘Are you all right?’ So I emailed back, ‘Yes, fine thanks, how are you?’ There was about fifteen more, all saying, ‘Are you all right?’ Then I checked my text messages, there was about twenty there, from all over Britain, all over the world, from Roger in Canada, Graham in the Philippines, Jess in New York, all saying ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ ‘Are you all right?’ Now, as you may or may not know, I did have quite a difficult year. Um. I had to go into hospital in February. I’ve also been going a bit deaf. And in January, because I was the director of the controversial theatre piece Jerry Springer: The Opera, I became the co-focus of a hate campaign led by 65,000 right-wing born-again Christians … resulting in the threat of prosecution in the High Court for blasphemy and the collapse of four years of work into financial non-viability. So it had been a difficult year. And while I was touched that all of my friends had chosen to enquire after my welfare, it did seem strange that they had all chosen the same morning to do that, right. So like I said, I had to go into hospital in February, right. I had this thing called diverticulitis, right. That’s where your stomach starts to kind of poison you. Normally, only very old people get it, but if you’ve been a stand-up comedian for seventeen years, drinking heavily and eating mainly Ginsters pies in the night, erm, that can move it on, right. So I had to go into hospital in North London, and while I was in there, I had to have an endoscopy, right. That’s where they insert a camera on a fibre-optic tube into your anus. Now, on that occasion, Cardiff, it was my anus. But it would be your anus if it were you that were undergoing the endoscopy, right, because in medical science as a rule there’s a direct relation between who is the subject of a procedure and the information that the doctors are trying to find out. That’s why you can’t send a friend along instead. OK? Even if they really love investigative surgery, er, it has to be you. So … It’s frivolous, anything else … So I was being wheeled in there, and I was lying on a slab, and I was naked except for this kind of third-length, floral-print hospital gown, right. Goes down to about there. Now, I’ve never understood the design of them, because as a man, right, I’m not ashamed of my breasts, OK? What I want concealed are my genitals: my penis, my two testicles. They’re the source of my shame. But the design of the third-length, floral-print hospital gown makes it look as if I’ve chosen to expose them. In a coquettish fashion. Which I would never do, I wouldn’t do that. So I was being wheeled in there, I was lying on a slab, and I was naked except for this kind of third-length, floral-print hospital gown. And I had a fibre-optic tube inserted into my lubricated anus. And then suddenly out of nowhere, and this is true, the doctor said, ‘Oh, I see from your notes that you’re a famous comedian.’ And I said to him, ‘There’s a problem with that sentence, isn’t there, Doctor? Which is that if the phrase “You are a famous comedian” is preceded by the qualifying phrase, “I see from your notes …” then I’m not, and I’m not anyway, really.’ And then the nurse interrupted rather aggressively. She went, ‘Well, I’ve never heard of you,’ as if it were I that had arrogantly introduced this vain notion into the endoscopic procedure, which was not the case. I hadn’t done. So I said to her, ‘Well, I am a comedian.’ And she said, ‘Well, you don’t look like a comedian.’ And I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘A comedian should look funny.’ Now, at the time I was lying naked on a slab in a thirdlength, floral-print hospital gown, with a fibre-optic tube inserted into my lubricated anus. If I’d seen that, I would have laughed. But I suppose if you work in endoscopy, you run the risk of becoming jaded. So I said to her, ‘What do you mean, a comedian should look funny?’ And she said, ‘A comedian’, she said, ‘should be the sort of person’, she said, ‘that as soon as you look at them,’ she said, ‘it makes you want to laugh,’ she said, ‘like Joe Pasquale.’ So as I lay there naked on a slab, in a thirdlength floral-print hospital gown, with a fibre-optic tube inserted into my anus, looking at live video-footage relay of my own rotting and bleeding internal organs, I thought about Joe Pasquale. And I’ve thought about Joe Pasquale once before in my life. They say that you think about Joe Pasquale twice in your career: once on the way up … And here’s why I first thought about Joe Pasquale, right. It was in 1995 … and when I started doing the, er, comedy circuit in, in London in about 1989, there used to be this Irish comic on the circuit called Michael Redmond. He was great. He lives in Glasgow now. But he had big bushy hair and a kind of long, droopy moustache, and deep-set bloodhound eyes. And he always used to wear a long brown mac and carry a little plastic bag. And what he used to do was he’d walk out onstage and he’d stand still in silence for about a minute and a half looking weird, and then he would say, ‘A lot of people say to me, “Get out of my garden!”’ Now I think that is the greatest opening line ever. Um … not just for a comedy set either, for anything. I don’t think there’s a book or a film or a poem or a play that couldn’t be improved by having ‘A lot of people say to me, “Get out of my garden!”’ as … The Book of Genesis would be a lot better … You feel it would, it would kind of cut to the chase of what it was really … It would save a lot of faff if you went straight in there. And it always used to get a good laugh, that line. But it got a much better laugh, Michael’s joke, in 1995, when Joe Pasquale did it as one of his jokes in his Royal Variety Performance set of that year. And there’s always been a kind of tradition of the mainstream acts stealing our jokes. In fact, you might remember at the end of 2004, er, Jimmy Carr had to take Jim Davidson to task for stealing some of his material, right, although to be honest, if Jim Davidson can steal your material, maybe it’s time to think about dropping it. Although to be fair to Jimmy Carr, it was kind of a sexist, woman-hating bit that he’d written with a sense of irony that Jim Davidson was able to appropriate at face value. One of the kindest things you can say about Jim Davidson as a fellow comic is he’s not a writer-performer who’s troubled by the notion of duality of meaning. There’s always been this kind of material-theft tradition. So I rang him up. I did an article for a Sunday newspaper in 1995, and I rang up Joe Pasquale about this idea of stealing material. And I said to him, ‘Joe, how did you think up that joke about the garden?’ And Joe Pasquale said, and this is true, he said, ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I thought if someone looked out of their window and they saw me in their garden, they would say “Get out of my garden!”’ Now, that’s not quite right, is it? Because if you looked out of your window and you saw Joe Pasquale in the garden, you’d just go, ‘Is that … Joe Pasquale in the garden? What can he possibly want?’ You might even be frightened, right. ’Cause that joke only works if a kind of anonymous weirdo is saying it. As soon as you introduce a celebrity into it, it’s kind of structurally compromised, so … I said to him, ‘Well, are you sure you thought that joke up?’ And he said he couldn’t remember if, if it was his idea. And it is sometimes difficult to remember if you’ve had an idea, especially when they occur as thick and fast as they must do in the mind of Joe Pasquale. And under duress, he admitted one of his writers might have written it. Turned out what he meant by writers was not so much people that wrote for him, as people that went around writing things down that other comedians had thought of. So I said to him, ‘The thing is, it’s Michael Redmond’s joke, you shouldn’t be doing it.’ And he said what a lot of the mainstream acts say. They say that they don’t think it’s possible to own a joke. They say they don’t think you can copyright a joke. So bearing that in mind, I’ve tried to write a joke that Joe Pasquale won’t be able to steal. And it goes like this. [reading] ‘Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the barman, “I’d like a pint of beer please.” And the barman says, “Why don’t you just come around the bar, help yourself to the beer, and then walk off without paying for it? After all, you are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned. Say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand. Or better still, insist that it’s your beer and that you brewed it at home. In your house. Even though your home lacks the most rudimentary of brewing facilities.”’ Ah, someone nearly clapped alone there. But then they stopped, because of course for a comedian the only thing worse than the sound of no one clapping is the sound of one person clapping alone, as it indicates that what you have is a very specialised appeal and no commercial future. As if I didn’t know that. Right, um … So … I got home late on, er, the 6th, woke up late on the 7th of July, got all these emails, text messages, I thought, ‘Something’s up,’ right. So I put the television on. And by now, it was about three hours after the London al-Qaeda bombings. And on TV news, there was all these kind of insensitive news journalists running around trying to get statements out of bomb survivors that weren’t really in a fit state to give statements. And I started writing them down, right. This was, um, a guy that had survived the King’s Cross bomb and he said to camera, he said, ‘The rescue workers have been amazing, really amazing, I mean I take my hat off to them. I’m not wearing a hat, obviously, but if I was, I would take it off.’ And laughs over here, a smattering of applause, and then doubt spreading towards the back corner. Now. Don’t judge me for this, OK? Don’t be uncomfortable, I am a human being like you, I am a member of society. I watched that news report, I thought, ‘I hope these people are OK and things don’t pan out too badly, er, for the world situation.’ But on the other hand, I’m also a comedian, so I was thinking, ‘Mind you, it’s quite funny, I should write it down.’ Then on the radio I heard a woman, I heard a woman who’d survived the number 30 bus bomb, and she said, ‘After the bus blew up, I saw people lying outside the British Medical Association headquarters. Ironic,’ she said, ‘but if you’re going to do this kind of thing, that’s the place to do it, I suppose.’ But, Cardiff, who are these inhuman bombers that strike, they strike at the very heart of our society with no respect for human life, without even the courtesy of a perfunctory warning? It makes you nostalgic, doesn’t it, for the good old days of the IRA. ’Cause they gave warnings, didn’t they? They were gentlemen bombers, the finest terrorists this country’s ever had. We’ll not see their like again. Let’s … let’s have a little clap for the IRA. Come on, give them a little clap. Give them a clap, right? ’Cause the IRA, they were decent British terrorists. They didn’t want to be British. But they were. And as such, they couldn’t help but embody some fundamentally decent British values. We’ll miss them now they’re gone. And another great thing about the IRA, I always think, apart from the warnings – and the uniforms, which were stylish but also practical – is that they had achievable aims, didn’t they? What do they want? Er, a united Ireland. And of course it’s possible to imagine getting round the table and negotiating towards that. What do al-Qaeda want? Al-Qaeda want to see the destruction of Western Judaeo-Christian civilisation in its entirety. And it’s harder to imagine getting round the table and negotiating towards that, isn’t it? ‘Obviously, you’ll appreciate we’re unable to meet all your demands. But here are some areas of Western Judaeo-Christian civilisation that we’d be happy to let go.’ Like Splott. I don’t even know what that is, I just saw it on a map. Splott and Joe Pasquale, he could be sent out as well. But there’s lots of good stories from the war against terror, though. I mean, I was reading this, um … I hate it when comedians do that as a kind of intro, ’cause basically the link between what I’ve just said and this bit is a bit contrived. So I go, ‘Yeah, there’s a lot of good stories from the war against terror, though, but I wasn’t actually talking about that then, was I, no.’ But I would have got away with it, no one would have noticed. But. There are a lot of good stories from the war against terror, apropos of nothing. And, um … I was reading this great book of, of trial transcripts, of American soldiers accused of human-rights abuses in, in Abu Ghraib, which was of course closed today. And, um … I don’t know if you remember Charles Graner, he was a fat American soldier but he had a moustache, so you could identify him. And he was the guy that organised the photographing of a naked, hooded, bound Iraqi civilian being dragged out of a cell, er, on his hands and knees, er, on a dog’s lead. And, um, in his defence, er, his lawyer, Charles Graner’s lawyer said that the naked, hooded, bound Iraqi civilian wasn’t being dragged out of the cell but was actually crawling of his own free will. And I just wondered how many other lines of defence they rejected before they settled on that one. And also what the naked, hooded, bound Iraqi civilian might have been crawling of his own free will towards? And I like to think he was crawling towards the notion of Western democracy. But obviously he was having some difficulty knowing which way to crawl, er, because of the hood, er, and because of the fact that he was approaching a palpably abstract concept. OK? And so there’s good laughs for that over here in this area, and those tail away towards that corner there. When it’s late at night, there’s a long set to get through, as I said, there isn’t going to be time for me to work a mixedability room tonight. No offence, right, but time’s money, you know. Now. So. Everybody over here, for the rest of the night, you’re on board, you’re going to be Team A, OK? And you won’t mind if I don’t play over here too much, I’m going to be mainly concentrating on Team F in that corner. Don’t cheer that you are better than them, right, Team A, for some of you it’s just the luck of random seating, isn’t it, right? I don’t want you … Don’t laugh at them or cheer yourselves, right, we must do everything we can to make them feel comfortable and we will bring them along with us. Don’t laugh at them, don’t even look at them, right? Look at me, Team A. But if you’re sitting next to an F and they laugh at a clever bit, right, you can just reach over and give their hand a little squeeze, and we will bring you along. I will not leave anyone behind, I swear. All these jokes have worked before at some stage, they are about things in the news and people who exist, so you have … Don’t laugh at them, Team A. There’s Team … you are … right? And I know it’s weird, what’s happening now, ’cause you’ve thought, ‘Ooh, let’s go out and sit in the dark and judge someone,’ right? But now you’re being judged and it feels strange, right, but don’t worry, you will … I will … you will not be … look, it’s fine, OK? You’ll be all right. There’ll be a point in about eight minutes when you’ll be … when you’ll laugh at something. You won’t know why. But you will laugh. And it will all be fine, right? Sometime … I’ve, I’ve done this before when there’s been a kind of split in the room. Usually it creates an atmosphere of bonhomie. But tonight, it’s made it worse, hasn’t it? It’s made it worse. There’s a tension in the room that’s now ‘the gig is lost’, right? It’s lost. OK, Team F, I’m going to put you at your ease, right? It’s OK to not like all of this. It has sometimes happened before. Will that relax you, madam? Good. Um. It’s OK to not like some of this, right? People have not … I’ve done this show about ninety times. I did it for three weeks in a little theatre in London and I had some walk-outs. And one of the walk-outs was the pop star Robbie Williams, who left about halfway through. Yeah. And on the way out, the woman from the Soho Theatre said to him, ‘Oh, are you not enjoying it?’ And he said he was, but that he had just remembered that he had to go to a wedding in the morning. Do you think that’s true? Do you think that’s true? If it was true, I hope he’d already bought them a present, and he didn’t just get something from a garage on the way … And then he said that he thought that I was all right, but that my voice – and this is true – Robbie Williams said my voice would be better suited to meditational relaxation tapes. That’s what he said. And the weird thing was that when I saw him in there, I thought, ‘Oh, I hope he doesn’t come backstage afterwards, I won’t know what to say.’ What positive thing could you say, you know? But, like … ‘I liked it when you dressed as that skeleton,’ you could say it was good. But I didn’t know when he’d gone, right? But it is … But there are people in Team F – there’s A people are … Team F are going, ‘Yes, Stew, that’s very funny isn’t it? But in Cardiff Robbie Williams plays in the stadium, not in this small room, like you. So maybe you should look at him and learn something about what entertainment means. And what it means is not talking in a monotonous voice, dressing as a luminous skeleton. That is what people want.’ So all I’m saying is, if you’re … It’s OK to not like this, but if you don’t like it, that means that you are the same as Robbie Williams. Lynndie England was a female American soldier and she was photographed pointing and laughing at the naked genitals of hooded, bound Iraqis. And in her trial the judge actually intervened, rather unusually, and he said that he wasn’t convinced that Lynndie England knew what she was doing. Now, I don’t believe that, ’cause in my experience, when a woman points and laughs at a man’s genitals, she’s normally fully aware of the effect that will have. In my experience. Especially if he’s hooded and bound. In my experience. The laugh spreading into the, the Team F region for that, because it’s a kind of bit of satire about the news, but it’s got cocks in it as well. So that helps to bring the whole room onside. Come on, come on in, Team F, come on. It’s a bit like, kind of, at the moment, I feel like we can get there, and I know it’s a bit early in the evening but … At the moment, it feels like over here, there’s loads of nineteen-fifties American teenagers splashing around in a lake in little shorts. And there’s some other nineteen-fifties American teenagers, and they’re going, ‘Oh, that looks fun. I wish we could go in that lake. But we can’t. ’Cause we’ve got orthopaedic shoes.’ But you can! Throw them off! Take them off, throw them away, you will float in this lake. You will float. And there was another story from that war, it was, er, it was discredited but it was true. Which was, apparently in Guantanamo Bay, um, the Americans threw a copy of a Koran into a toilet. Now, I’m not a religious person, but I don’t like the idea of a Koran being thrown into a toilet. Especially when bookshops and libraries are full of millions of pristine copies of Dan Brown’s new novel. Which you have to stop reading, right, because … You have to stop reading, because Dan Brown is not … It’s not literature, right? And you should know this in the land of bards, right? Um … Dan Brown writes sentences like, ‘The famous man looked at the red cup.’ OK? It’s not … And intellectuals like me have tried to explain to you why Dan Brown is a bad … and it’s not working. So I’m going to have a big poster campaign, a big, anti-Dan Brown poster campaign. It’s going to be a massive picture of a toilet, right? And there’ll be all pieces of shit floating in the toilet. And in the middle of the pieces of shit, there’ll be a copy of The Da Vinci Code, with a speech balloon coming out of one of the pieces of shit, saying, ‘Ah, there goes the neighbourhood.’ And I don’t know if you know, but the Catholic Church are very worried about you all reading The Da Vinci Code. And in fact, in January last year, the Vatican actually issued an official statement reminding Dan Brown readers that the books are largely fictional and full of historically unverifiable information. [Long pause.] Six minutes’ time, I tell you, you’ll be fine, right? But you’re right not to laugh at that, it’s not a proper joke, right, it’s just based on a shared set of assumptions, it doesn’t work. Um … Now I was talking about the Vatican there. I don’t want anyone to think, anyone to think I’m, I’m anti-Catholic. I’m not. I actually love Catholicism. It’s my favourite form of clandestine global evil. What I really like about Catholicism, my favourite thing about it, is the way that it combines a search for profound spiritual meaning in the universe with a love of kind of inane seaside tat. And you don’t often see those two things working as a team, do you? I’ll give you an example of what I mean, right? I was in the Vatican at the start of last year. And outside the big church there, in the square, there were these little carts selling souvenirs, little souvenir stands. And outside the Vatican at the start of last year, you could buy – and this is true – you could buy lollipops about that big, with the face of Pope John Paul II on them, you could buy Pope John Paul II’s face loll– … I bought about ten and brought them home, right? And I was just wondering if, in the light of his death early last year, whether sales of those lollipops went up or whether they went down, you know. Whether good Catholics thought, ‘Ah, the Pope’s just died, it would now seem inappropriate to lick a sugar effigy of his face.’ Or whether they’d go, ‘Ah, the Pope’s just died, but what better way to pay tribute to his memory than by licking a sugar effigy of his face.’ To eat that, swallow it, digest it, shit out a kind of enchanted papal shit. I don’t know if whatever spiritual properties those lollipops have would survive the digestive process. I’m neither theologically nor medically qualified to do anything other than speculate on that, right? We can’t know. But I did ask my girlfriend, she’s Catholic. I said to her, ‘If you drink holy water and then you do a wee, is the wee then magic?’ And she said, ‘No, that would be ridiculous.’ And it would, wouldn’t it? It’d be stupid. Now, I don’t know if you remember, when the Pope died, the Catholic Church put out this story about his last words. They said that the Pope’s last words on his deathbed were addressed to God. Apparently, in his closing moments, the Pope said to God, ‘I searched for you, you found me, I thank you.’ That’s the story they put out. Let’s call it what it is, an obvious, made-up lie. ’Cause even the cardinals in the Vatican admitted that the Pope was in a coma for the last two weeks of his life. And that does seem to me like a very eloquent and profound statement to make in a coma. And I’m suspicious of that story for personal reasons as well, right? Because I actually nursed two friends, right, um, an elderly relative and someone I’d known from school. And they were both people that I loved. And I nursed them both, and I visited them both through very long illnesses, not dissimilar to the late Pope’s. And I can assure you that in their closing moments, neither of them were in a fit state to say anything as eloquent or profound as that. Although admittedly I was holding pillows over their faces at the time. But, you know, it was an act of love, right? It was an act of love. The first one was, the second one in retrospect I feel ambivalent about. But you’re in the moment, aren’t you? You have to act in the moment. It’s the kind of split-second decision London anti-terrorist officers have to make every day. I don’t know if you remember, but the Pope’s … The scheduling of the Pope’s funeral actually caused some problems for the royal family because it ended up being arranged for the same weekend as the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Camilla Parker Bowles. So they actually ended up moving that wedding to avoid a clash of interests. Now, I don’t think they should have done that, right, they should have left that wedding where it was. ’Cause for me, that’s what split-screen television technology was invented for. Although it is hard, isn’t it, to imagine which one of those two events would have been the most distressing to watch, you know? The public veneration of a wrinkled old corpse … You all right now?  OK, the problem we’ve got now, right, is that there are … There’s a section of the room are ahead of the punchlines. You have to be up to speed now. ’Cause the first half of the show, this is the kind of fun bit. And the second half is awful. Right? So you have to … And if you, if anyone had anticipated that joke and was holding back from laughing out of kind of politeness to me – thinking, ‘Oh, he won’t like it if we guess his jokes,’ right – I don’t care. I would welcome it. I think it’s good, right. ’Cause if you think about it, I have to write about an hour and a half of jokes every year, that’s quite hard, right? But what’s just happened suggests that with the correct encouragement of audiences, I wouldn’t have to write any jokes. I could just come out with a list of topics and read them out. And you could think of something amusing about them in your own heads. Then if you didn’t like the show, that would be your fault, ’cause you hadn’t been very funny. It’s about the apportioning of blame, I think. Now I was talking about religion there. Um … And it wasn’t something I really wanted to talk about, ’cause I was one of a bunch of people that got in trouble with religious people, er, last year. Er, but I am going to talk about religion for about twenty minutes and then I’m going to run away. Um, but before I do that, I’m going to draw a little circle on here in chalk, right. People are going, ‘Oh, why are you doing that?’, right. OK, what this is, is … About four years ago, I went to, er, Languedoc in the south of France, right. Because I wanted to see this week when they recreate medieval clowning techniques, the ‘bouffons’ they were called. And what they do is they, they run through all these French mountaintop villages. And outside the baker’s, they make fun of the baker. And outside the town hall, they’ll take the piss out of the mayor or whatever. But before they did stuff about the church, right, outside the church they drew this kind of shape round them in the dirt, so they were kind of protected from prosecution, if you like, under the kind of magic spell of comedy. So that’s what I’ve done here. Now, it doesn’t work at all, OK? But it is a kind of concession to theatre, and this building receives some arts subsidy, so I have to do this. Otherwise you’d be just watching a piece of stand-up comedy, which is of course of no value. So, um … So, yeah, like I say, I, I worked on this opera about Jerry Springer. And, um, we got accused of being blasphemous, which was, came as a genuine surprise, ’cause it honestly had had really good reviews in the Church Times and the Catholic Herald when it first went out in the theatre. So it was kind of weird, it all came a bit out of nowhere. We got 65,000 complaints when it went on television. The BBC executives that commissioned it had to go into hiding, with police protection. And me and the composer were going to be taken to court and charged with blasphemy. But at the end of June, the High Court threw the case out on the grounds that it isn’t 1508. But … It is … Hey, and before you all write in, I know that the first blasphemy prosecution was 1628, right, but there’s something rhythmically pleasing about 1508. So, um … But it was kind of weird. ’Cause I’ve got a website and whatever, so I was getting all this kind of hate mail all the time. And, er, it was – it still goes on now – it was quite distressing. But there was … I did get one funny one in March last year where someone wrote to me and they said, ‘I enjoyed listening to you defend your work on Radio 5 yesterday. You seem like a very intelligent and thoughtful young man. What a pity you’ll be going to hell.’ And you have to admire that, don’t you, the kind of construct of it, you know, it’s beaut– … It takes you one way, and then it goes the other. It’s a classic Pasquale move. We thought he was at home in his bedroom, naked. Turned out he was on a bus. So … That’s how that works. We got to the end of the sentence, we found out he was on a bus. We thought he was in his house, naked – he’d given us no reason to believe he was on a bus till he got to the end of the sentence. Then we realised the nudity was amusing. So … But it is weird, getting accused of blasphemy. I don’t know if any of you have ever been formally accused of blasphemy … but … And I’m always relieved when people laugh at that idea, because everywhere round the country … when I say … ‘Hey, I don’t know if any of you have ever been accused of blasphemy,’ people go, ‘Ha ha, no, it would be ridiculous.’ Except in, er, in Builth Wells, I don’t know if you know that. It’s kind of … I said that, there was kind of silence of people going, ‘What have you heard about here? What have you heard about this apparently normal market town with a stone circle on the rugby pitch? What have you heard?’ But it is, it is weird, right, joking apart, to be accused of blasphemy, right, because I’m … I don’t, I don’t … I don’t believe in God, thousands of people do, they might be right. OK? But even if you don’t believe in God, the idea that you have offended a super-being is quite intimidating, right. It makes the idea of having made Robbie Williams bored seem inconsequential. Do you know …? That’s, that’s water off a duck’s back to me. ‘Oh, were you bored? Oh, are you God? No.’ Right, so … But also I’m not a religious person but loads of people are, and they might be right. And even if you aren’t religious, I suspect like me you entertain the fact that it’s your right to change your mind, and you might want to go back towards faith. But the idea that you’ve been cut off kind of legally is quite a frightening idea. So that, and the threat of prosecution and the threats and whatever, it did kind of really stress me out, this idea of being cut off … And so in February, I … I left London where I live and I went to stay with my mum, where she lives, in a little village in Worcestershire, right. This is the kind of little village it is. I got there early to see her once and she wasn’t in. So I walked round to the village shop and I bought a muesli bar and I ate it in a lay-by, right. And about four hours later, my mum said, ‘Oh, the woman next door said she saw you eating a muesli bar in a lay-by earlier.’ That’s the kind of little village … This is the kind of little village it is, right. The house opposite my mum’s, on the lawn the guy’s got a white flagpole and occasionally he runs the Union Jack up it. And if he does, you know that British troops have committed an atrocity abroad, OK? That’s … that’s the kind of little village it is, right. But as it turned out, running away to Worcestershire was a mistake. What I didn’t know was that the New Labour MP for Worcester was one of the New Labour MPs that was calling for our opera to be banned and for us to be prosecuted, so it was in all the local papers. My mum’s friends would keep coming round with clippings of me and the composer, with a thing saying ‘BAD MEN DUE TO GO TO HELL’ or something … And my mum would go, ‘Oh, you look a bit fat in that one. Never mind, I’ll put it in the scrapbook. With all the other clippings of people calling you a cunt. Going right back to your school reports. And your adoption certificate.’ [turns back on audience] ‘Reason for abandonment of infant.’ ‘Infant is a cunt, clearly.’ ‘I expect this early childhood rejection will lead to him spending most of his adult life travelling the country in search of the approval of ever-dwindling groups of strangers.’ [turning back] Yeah, laugh it up. Um … But those women in that shop … The women in the shop that I mentioned, right, they really like me in the village shop. And from what I can work out, it’s ’cause I’ve got a long black coat that I sometimes wear. And that’s kind of enough, you know. They go, ‘Ooh, he came in, Mrs Lee, in his coat.’ Whatever next. It’s like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. It’s like Gary Numan had come round. Batman. And so they really like me. So they used to cut these things out of the newspaper slagging me off, laminate them, stick them on the wall in the shop and get me to sign them, right. Like I’m an outlaw, you know. So if you ever go past there, you’ll know what that is. But again, joking apart, the blasphemy things did your head in, the legal threats, the collapse of the work and every thing, it did kind of stress me out. So I did what anyone would do under the circumstances, which was to drink heavily every day. Um. But it’s difficult to drink in the countryside, right. It’s not like here in Cardiff where the streets are thronged with revellers all the time. Nothing going on, you know. I used to have to walk about two miles to the nearest pub. And I’d get in there and there’d just be the same three old blokes every night. And they’d go, ‘Ooh the blasphemer’s arrived, cross yourselves lads,’ you know. And they’d make me drink stuff without telling me what it was. They’d go, ‘Have some of this.’ And I go, ‘All right, I’ll have a pint of that.’ ‘A pint?’ ‘Yeah.’ I’d have about four pints of this stuff. I thought it was real ale, it turns out it’s this thing called barley wine, right. And you’re only, you’re only supposed to have an egg cup of it, basically. But no one told me that, ’cause I wasn’t from there. I was from a town, right. So I went out at about half – I was trashed – about half eleven at night. I could hardly stand. I was mad anyway, and paranoid ’cause of all this blasphemy stuff. Stressed out. And I was scared about how I was going to get home, in the dark. But I set off along the road. And after about two minutes, exactly what I was worried about happened. A big lorry came round, I thought it was going to hit me. I had to jump into this kind of agricultural drainage ditch. I, I came out all covered in water and mud and animal excrement and stuff. Carried on walking along the road. And then about four minutes later, about three hundred yards ahead of me on the right, I saw this kind of white figure, like a, like a ghost, right. Now. I’m not superstitious, I was drunk, and I was under a lot of stress, and paranoid. So I thought, ‘I’m imagining this.’ I ignored it, right. And I tried to walk past it. When I got about ten, fifteen feet away from this thing, I recognised it as being Jesus, right? But even so, I still thought it was my imagination, OK? Because we all know that Jesus should be black or Arabic or Jewish or whatever. I had given Him the face of Robert Powell – the nineteen-seventies television Jesus. So I thought it was my subconscious. Or Jesus was real and He had chosen to appear to me in a form that I would recognise. ’Cause He would know that I also used to watch The Detectives. Mm? He could have come as Jasper Carrott, which is the same initials, right, but Robert Powell is a more holy kind of figure, isn’t he? So … But even so, I thought, ‘This is my subconscious, I’m going nuts.’ I tried to walk on past it, but as I got level with Jesus, He took my hand and He started to lead me along the lane. Even then, I thought, ‘This is still my subconscious.’ What do I want? (a) I want to get home safely, and (b) I have this anxiety about reconnecting with faith. And He’s taking my hand, in my imagination that’s what that is, right? It’s not real. But then He started talking to me, Jesus. He said to me, ‘Stew’ – that kind of swung it – He said to me, ‘Stew, I know that my representatives on Earth have come out against you and your co-workers and loved ones and accused you of blasphemy,’ He said. ‘But I forgive you,’ He said. ‘And I want you, if you can, to find it in your heart to forgive me.’ And I said to Him, ‘What do you mean, Jesus?’ And He said, ‘Well, Stew,’ He said, ‘there was another man, wasn’t there, two thousand years ago, who annoyed the religious establishment of his time. In fact, a lot of people didn’t like some of the true things that he had to say. And … in fact, they crucified him for it, Stew, and … maybe, just maybe, you are the rightful inheritor of his crown.’ Now can I just make clear at this point, right, I am not saying that I’m Jesus, OK? I’m not saying that I am Jesus. That’s for you to think about at the … I’m not saying I’m Jesus, right, I’m not. But if I was Him – I’m not – but if I was Him, this – not – but if I was Him – I’m not – but if I was Him – I’m not Him, I’m not Him, right, I know you think I am but I’m not. You’re going, ‘Yeah, but if you were, you would say you weren’t, wouldn’t you? To trick us.’ I’m not. I’m not Him, right? I’m not Jesus, I’m not Him, come on. That would be ridiculous. That’s the … I’m the last person that He would come as. It definitely wouldn’t be me. Oh, maybe He would … I’m not, right. I’m not Jesus, right. But if I was Him, this is the kind of place I would come and speak, isn’t it? Yeah. Not in the vain, arrogant Millennium Centre. I would come here, to this humble place, and I would speak to people like you – to drunks and whores – I would come here. I would come here. I would come here. In Canton. To this simple, humble place with adequate but ultimately limited wheelchair access. ’Cause I would know from the first time around they will come, clamouring, ‘Heal me, Jesus, heal me.’ There’s only so much one man can do. You can’t have a quota system. So it’s better to just speak in a place where they can’t get in. With the best will in the world, with the best will in the world, with the best will in the world. We mean nothing by it. So He was leading me along the road, Jesus. And within about a minute the same thing had happened again. Another big lorry came round, I was scared. But He seemed to do something to either slow it down, or we became immaterial. It passed through us, we weren’t hurt. But that panicked me, and the alcohol kicked in, I started stumbling around. What He did, Jesus, was He grabbed my right arm and He hooked it over His shoulder, like that, and He started carrying me along, like you would a drunk mate, you know. Now initially I thought this was a bit of an imposition but then I realised He did have some previous experience of carrying a heavy burden in that way. And to be honest, under more difficult circumstances. And He seemed to like the warmth, the human contact. And in that way, we finally got to my mum’s front door. And I started trying to get the key in and fumbling around. And then I thought, ‘This is a bit weird. Jesus is here. What’s the correct etiquette? Am I supposed to ask Him in for a coffee? You know, and hope He doesn’t read anything into that.’ OK, I’m not saying that Jesus is gay. That’s part of what caused the problems last year. But one in ten people are and you can’t – especially in a port town – you can’t make assumptions. And while I was thinking about this, He disappeared. And I felt bad because I was, I was grateful that He’d helped me home. But I was relieved that I didn’t have to deal with what to do. And I, and I felt like I’d betrayed Him, but He’d gone and I was relieved. And I let myself into the house, and as soon as I got in I realised I was going to be sick. But I didn’t want to go upstairs where my mum was asleep and wake her up. So I ran round to this little room my mum’s got by the back door. Your mum’s probably got a room like this, OK? It’s about as big as the front of this stage, OK? And there’s a little hand basin here, and there’s a toilet here, and here there’s a towel rail. And in the towel rail is a little hand towel. That hand towel isn’t to be used for hands, OK? That hand towel is only to be used for wiping the cat’s feet when the cat comes in wet from So I ran round to this little room. But before I could get a grip, I was immediately sick all over the floor, right, all over my mum’s floor. So I bent down – I wasn’t myself, remember, I was mad. And I tried to scoop up the sick. But doing that made me be sick again. And I was sick all down my clothes, until my clothes had become covered in, in sick. And I groped around and I ended up grabbing the cat’s-feet towel. And I used that to try and wipe it up, but there was too much and the cat’s-feet towel became overwhelmed, saturated with sick. If the cat had come in now, with wet feet, they would have had to stay wet. Or have sick put on them. Which would leave worse footprints. And looking at that cat’s-feet towel, that made me be sick again. And I was sick into the, to the basin, until the hand basin was overflowing with sick. So I tried to scoop the sick out of the hand basin and fling it into the toilet. But doing that made me be sick again, and I was sick on top of that sick in there, until the toilet was blocked up with sick. And I stepped back and I shut my eyes and I thought, ‘That’s it now, surely. No more.’ But then I felt the sick rising in me again, and I thought, ‘What am I supposed to do? The floor’s covered in sick. My clothes are covered in sick. The cat’s-feet towel is a writeoff. Frankly. The hand basin’s overflowing with sick. The toilet’s overflowing with sick. What am I supposed to do?’ And I opened my eyes and I looked down, and on my left, on the floor, kneeling down, smiling, looking up at me, was Jesus. And He was pointing at His open mouth, as if what He wanted was for me to vomit into the open mouth of Christ. And I looked down and I thought, ‘This can’t be right.’ But He was pointing and laughing and smiling, and encouraging me. And then I remembered He did have some history of sacrifice. So against, against my better judgement, at his apparent insistence, I did it – I vomited into the open mouth of Christ, until the mouth of Christ was overflowing with my sick. Now, right. I’ve been doing stand-up for seventeen years, OK? And I can sense when there’s tension in a room. And I know why it is and I un–, I understand it. Basically there’s a performer–audience bond of trust built up. We have worked on that together over the last hour. And, and, and you think, ‘Yes, there is, Stew, but you’ve broken that bond of trust. Because we weren’t expecting to be made to visualise this image. There was no warning of this, it wasn’t flagged up. There was no indication that you would do something like this, especially when you opened with all that light-hearted material about the bombings.’ And if you feel betrayed, I am … You have my sympathies, I’m sorry, right, there’s … But I’m just trying to understand this. And there is a performer–audience relationship, and there are probably people here thinking, ‘Yes, there is, Stew, and you have presumed upon that relationship. This is inappropriate, it’s too much too soon. It’s gone too far. It’s presumptuous to do this. It’s like fingering someone on a first date, you wouldn’t do it. Even at arm’s length, wearing a mitten, through the shattered window of a rural bus shelter, at the end of an otherwise pleasant evening, as an in appropriate gesture of thanks. You wouldn’t do that, Stew, so why are you doing this? Why? Why?’ And there are probably other people here going, ‘Yeah, it is like a relationship, Stew, the performer–audience relationship. But tonight, with what you’ve done, you’ve made it feel like a marriage, and it feels like a marriage that’s gone on for too long and is in its death throes.’ And if you feel like that, if you feel like this is a marriage that’s gone on too long, right, then maybe it’s time for you to start seeing other comedians. Right? And I can’t pretend that I’d be happy about that, right, I wouldn’t be, OK? But if that would help to keep the spark of this alive, then you should do it. You should go and see them. Go and see them. And I will wait for you to come back to me because I love you. And I will come here, come here when you’re all laughing at something else, when you’re laughing at Nicko and Joe’s Bad Film Club, I will come here and I’ll be behind those railings up there. And I’ll be watching you giving them the laughs that you owe to me. And I’ll be crying. But because it’s you, because it’s you and I love you, I won’t be able to stop myself from becoming aroused. Behind the fence thing. And I’ll be crouching down. And I’ll be watching you all laughing – ‘ha ha ha’ – and I’ll be crying, right, but I will also be masturbating. Right? And I will be enjoying that unique fusion of profound grief and violent sexual arousal. And that’s the most profound feeling anyone can ever have. And if you have never had that feeling, you won’t understand me. And if you don’t understand me, how do you expect this to work out, right? So you have to understand that feeling. If you’ve never experienced that, then … If someone that you love has, has died, right, don’t take flowers to the grave, take whatever apparatus you need to achieve a state of mind whereby you can pay them the highest tribute of all. [back on mic] So I’d vomited into the open mouth of Christ. And I stepped back and I shut my eyes and I thought, ‘That’s it now surely, no more.’ But then I felt the sick rising in me again, and I thought, ‘What am I supposed to do now? The floor is covered in sick, my clothes are covered in sick, the cat’s-feet towel is covered in sick, the sink’s overflowing with sick, the toilet’s overflowing, the open mouth of Christ is overflowing with sick. What …? What …?’ And then I opened my eyes and I looked down, and He was there again, Jesus, on my right. But this time He had His back to me and He was doing a kind of handstand by the sink. And His raiment had slipped down, it looked like a kind of thirdlength, floral-print hospital gown. And He had His right hand on the floor to, to balance Him upside down, and with His left hand He was using the fingers to kind of splay open His anus. As if what He … As if what He wanted was for me to vomit into the gaping anus of Christ. [off-mic, shouting] And don’t imagine, Cardiff, that I come here and talk about this lightly, OK? I thought about it, I asked around – well, I know it’s a bit much but I asked around, I said to – oh look, I asked Tony Law, he’s a Canadian stand-up comedian, he’s the most reasonable man I know. I said to him, ‘Tony, do you honestly think I can go round the country in front of people and use the phrase, “I vomited into the gaping anus of Christ”?’ And he said, ‘Well, possibly, if it’s in context. But’, he said, ‘you won’t be able to use it as the title of a live DVD.’ I said, ‘I’m not going to do that, Tony, I’m not insane.’ But imagine this situation, it is impossible. There is no right way out of it. I bent down, I said to Jesus, ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ And He said to me, ‘Look, you’re going to be taken to court for blasphemy for doing nothing, I feel like I owe you one, knock yourself out.’ So against my better judgement, ’cause He told me to, I did it. I vomited into the gaping anus of Christ till the gaping anus of Christ was overflowing with my sick. I did that. Are you happy now? [back on-mic] And then I stepped back, and I shut my eyes, and I thought, ‘That’s it now surely, no more.’ But then I felt the sick rising in me again. And I thought, ‘What am I supposed to do? The floor is covered in sick, my clothes are covered in sick, the cat’s-feet towel is ruined, the sink’s overflowing with sick, the toilet, the anus of Chr– …’ Then I remembered, lads, you know when you’re doing a wee in the toilet, right? And there’s a bit of poo on the back of the bowl. And you think, ‘Ooh, I’ll hose that off. That’s my cleaning done for the week.’ So what I did was I got my penis out and as, as respectfully and tenderly and accurately as I could, I urinated into the gaping anus of Christ so that all the vomit there kind of foamed up and went on the floor, leaving just enough room for me to vomit one second and final time into the gaping anus of Christ, which I then did. And then my mum came in. She looked at the sick on the floor. She looked at the sick all down my clothes, she looked at the cat’s-feet towel, all covered in sick, she was irritated by that. She looked at the sink overflowing with sick, the toilet overflowing with sick, the gaping anus of Christ overflowing with my sick. And she said to me, ‘Have you been sick? Into the gaping anus of Christ?’ And I said, ‘No, this was like this when I got here, the cat must have done it.’ And she said, ‘The cat’s in the garden and his feet are wet. And I’d like to know what you propose to do about that, given the current state of the cat’s-feet towel.’ And then she said to me, ‘It was you, wasn’t it?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’ And she said, ‘Let me give you some advice.’ And I listened because I love her and she tends to be right. She said, ‘Given your current situation,’ she said, ‘and the state of the world as it is,’ she said, ‘under no circumstances can you ever consider talking about this incident onstage.’ And I said to her, ‘Well, I might have to.’ And she said, ‘Well, I can’t stop you, but’, she said – that’s what she always used to do when I was a kid, ‘I can’t stop you, but’, it’s like putting the ball in your court – she said, ‘I can’t stop you, but’, she said, ‘if you are going to talk about this, you have to know why you’re doing it, what kind of point you’re trying to make.’ And I said to her, ‘Well, three things, Mother. Firstly, to make the point that a symbol, be it an icon or a flag or whatever, is only as worthy of respect as the values of the people that appropriate it. Secondly, that if a symbol goes out into the world, into places where it’s perhaps not understood or wanted or valued, you shouldn’t be too upset if it then takes on a shape you don’t recognise as your own. And thirdly, that if you attempt to apply limits to freedom of expression, either through legislation or intimidation or threats, what will then happen is that reasonable people, often against their own better judgement, will feel obliged to test those limits, er, by going into areas they don’t feel entirely comfortable with.’ I personally haven’t enjoyed the last half hour at all, I do it only to safeguard your liberty. And … [Applause.] Ah. That’s never had a clap before, which probably means it is time to stop doing this show. And then she said to me, ‘That’s very interesting, Stew, but I don’t believe you. Why would you really be telling that story?’ And I said to her, ‘All I want, Mother, is just once in my life to be able to put my hand on my heart and say in all honesty that I’ve written a joke that Joe Pasquale won’t be able to steal.’ Thank you

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ADEL KARAM: LIVE FROM BEIRUT (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/adel-karam-live-from-beirut-transcript/

A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL Recorded at the Casino du Liban, Beirut Hello. Wow, this is great! This is great! Good evening. Good evening! God rest his soul! Hello there. “Hello.” So bored! How are you all? This is so cool. That much! Hello up there. Good evening! Yeah, I see you. It’s like you’ve arrived from outer space! I want to say thank you for being here. Thank you for traveling all the way from Beirut to be here. Quite a distance. I came on Thursday so I wouldn’t be late. I usually don’t travel for anyone. See how important you are to me? I came on Thursday. Can I come down and kiss you all? Will this make you late for anything if I come down to kiss you all? We love to kiss. It’s amazing how much we love it! We Lebanese just adore kissing each other. Is anyone here not Lebanese? Yeah? Where are you from? – Where are you from? – Jordan. Jordan? You arrived from Jordan just now? Welcome. I have a real issue with Jordanians. You know why? Because you kiss three times, just like us. We kiss three times. And I didn’t know that in Jordan, you kiss… Some time ago, I was in Jordan and met someone. We were about to greet each other with a kiss. I started my… and he also started his… and we kept on going sideways like that. It was dramatic! His tongue touched my tonsils! I looked at him and said, “That’s it! What are you doing tonight?” What? We really should stop this kissing! Who in the audience is not Lebanese? – Where are you from? – Syria. I said not Lebanese! With all confidence, Syria. We’re your guests now, God bless you! I welcome us over here in your country. We’re almost competing with them here. Glad that you’re here with us. The Syrians and us kiss in the same way. Or do you have a different way? Two kisses, like Europeans. Perfect. Not like us Lebanese and Jordanians. Who else is not Lebanese? There’s a crowd here from abroad! Where are you from? Egypt? Great. In Egypt too it’s just two kisses, right? Two kisses, nice! Now this is culture, not like us! We are a horny people! The minute we see each other, we kiss! Jesus! But with all due respect to all your nationalities, we Lebanese are super kissers. You see how the minute we meet, we start kissing? You’ve only left him for five minutes, but when he sees you again, he goes… Come! Come! Not like this. Like this! In whatever situation, we kiss. Whatever, we kiss. Even if a guy is sick, you kiss him. He sneezes. So what? If one guy is sick, he infects half of Lebanon! When we meet, we kiss. We say farewell, we kiss. And those guys with a bushy beard! It’s a new trend. Now what is that? A new trend, that! He comes to kiss you, no chance he won’t. The minute he hugs you, you feel his fur! It’s like you’re kissing a bear! Totally drowned by it! If the beard is sharp like steel, it’s like being on an emery board! But that’s not the guy I usually meet. I only get the guy who, just as you enter the men’s room, you hear the flush, then the door opens and out he comes, barely finished his business. And there we are. “Hello! Come here, you.” And you go, “Hello. Hello!” He says, “Come here, you.” And you start thinking of what he’s been up to in there. Didn’t wipe it. And he sees you. “Hello.” He touches your face. “Who’s my best friend? Who’s the guy I love, man?” I wish we would learn from women… how they kiss. They kiss from a distance. There’s always a space. You’d think they were disgusted by each other! “Hi!” We could be sweaty, and still kiss. It’s like kissing someone in the rain at the Roucha. Some guys are born kissers. Like the guy who sells clothes on Haamra Street at 1 p. m. Just eaten falafel, and has his falafel sandwich in his hand, a chilli pepper in the other, and holding it out so it wouldn’t drip on him. You know that guy? Standing there munching on the sandwich, his moustache full of falafel crumbs, tahini and chilli pepper, and chilli pepper seeds dangling from his nose hair! You look at his face and he goes, “Hello! Come here, you. Come here, you.” He hugs you and you get one side with tahini and the other, red turnips! But the worst is the guy who’s eaten chicken, then had a breath mint. He comes over, close to your ear… “Hey, dear!” He blows it all in your ear. And the smell of garlic is everywhere! You say, “You smell like garlic.” He says, “I had a breath mint!” What mint? You need a stomach pump, damn you! If you decide to add up all the kisses you get in a day, mathematically, it’s like you’ve had sex. All day long, kiss, kiss, kiss. You should be up here…come on! Speaking of food and falafel, we Lebanese, for those who don’t know us, and this is just my personal opinion, our stomachs are like garbage cans! Whatever you dump in, we eat it. Everything. I mean, have you ever thought about the sheep that falls into our hands? Poor thing! When a Lebanese gets his hands on a sheep, he’s worse than ISIS! We make it disappear! We eat every bit of it. We leave nothing out! The head is made into nifa. You’re invited to a nifa meal, the best thing they offer is the eyeball. “Here, try it, it’s tasty and crunchy. But juicy!” The tongue we cook with lime and garlic, and they say, “Wow! Delicious.” The liver we make into sawda. Is anything more delicious than having raw sawda for breakfast with onion and mint? Delicious! What else? The intestines. We don’t throw them out! For those of you who are not familiar with how the Lebanese do it, we don’t throw out the intestines. We make them into sausages. We stuff them with rice and meat. You could say, “Ew! There used to be shit in there!” And I’d say, “That’s OK. We wash them first.” Even if there’s still a bit of shit, we douse them in lime and garlic, no problem. No big deal. Now, is there anything tastier than the sheep’s balls? They’re delicious. But my favorite is the fatty tail. That’s really something, if you think about it, though. The sheep grazes all day long, eating greens. So his tail is right over his asshole. All day long, he grazes then… You’ll be totally grossed out by sheep, just you wait! You know that we eat every bit of the sheep except his penis! I never got that! Why not? Suck on it! Suck on it and see where that’ll get you. The fleece? We never throw out the fleece. We make it into a rug. Not right to waste any part of the sheep. You have a friend who’s a taxi driver, he’ll think the world of you if you give him the fleece. He’d put it on the dashboard, with that waving-hand thing. And what’s hot now is that toy dog. You stick it on the dashboard and he goes… You just press the brakes and… Then with all that, they tell you you’ll be fine. When you eat sheep meat, drink Araak with it. It kills the microbes. What microbes? Do you see what crap you’re eating? You need to drink acid to clear that! A while ago, I was invited to a friend’s. They had slaughtered a sheep. I ate so much! I pigged out. I sucked the bones, legs, intestines. I was going to burst! I was suffering! That’s normal. No way you won’t suffer after eating like that. All kinds of microbes were floating in my stomach. They immediately took me to the ER. Now, our Lebanese hospitals are odd. If you go there in an ambulance, the minute they reach the ER, they press the brakes and open the door and they dump you on a wheelchair like you were a pizza ready for the oven. The minute I got there, they put me on a wheelchair, and I’m dying here! And what can I do? Whenever I go to the hospital, no one believes I’m sick! Weird! What? Can’t I get sick? The minute I got there… You know, once you get to the ER, before they ask what’s wrong with you, their first question is, insurance or no insurance? They want to make sure they’re getting paid! They want to know how to handle you. They wouldn’t believe I was sick. A woman came over. They’re all venomous. They can really choose them. She walked over, and I was sprawled on the chair. She came over… “Oh, it’s you. You’ve come to make fun of us?” Dripping venom! Then another one…a question they always ask me. “Where’s Abbas?” Abbas and I should be sick together! They put me on the stretcher, dumped me there. The third venomous lady came, trying to insert the drip. I’m in agony! My screams are going up to God. She kept jabbing and jabbing. She needed a hammer to push in whatever the heck that was! She drilled my bones and finally it got in. I screamed in pain! She said, “Enough. Are you the only one who gets to hurt people?” After they examined me, that’s where the problem started. They said, “You need a colonoscopy.” You laughed because you went through that too. I saw you flinch. Yeah, colonoscopy. Who’s been through that? Who has the courage to say he’s been through with it? You’ve all been through it! You’re all lying! Who’s been through it up there? You all have your hands on your asses! Not me! OK, they sent me to the colonoscopy specialist. He came to explain. He said, “We’ll do this procedure because we have to know what’s happening inside. We’ll go in and find out.” I said, “But, Doctor, it might hurt my tonsils.” He said, “No, they won’t hurt.” I said, “Don’t you go in from here?” He said, “No, from down there.” I said, “OK. So what do we do?” He said, “Don’t worry. Just relax.” “What do I do now?” He said, “We’ll have to give you an anesthetic. Do you want a local or a general anesthetic?” I said, “I’ve never done this before.” I thought it was a money trap, so I said a local anesthetic. I shouldn’t have said that. They dressed me in a gown. The gown for the colonoscopy is different from that of the hospital. You remember it, right? It’s like…You know the Teletubbies? You look just like Teletubbies. You wear a full-on onesie, but…open in the ass! So they know where to aim! And during the procedure, you’re not alone. There are four or five others ready for this procedure. You’re all standing there looking like Teletubbies with your asses out there, and the nurses looking at all those asses! Is that a woman or a guy laughing? A ringing laugh! So, they came and stuck in the colonoscope. They lay me on my side. On your side so he can check you. That doctor had two trainees with him. I’m lying there, and the trainees… are taking notes. “First, you dip it in the Vaseline, put it in the Vaseline.” The doctor is explaining. It’s a colonoscope! Not a…Colonoscope! He dips it in the Vaseline and starts to poke it in. The trainees with him are really focusing so they don’t miss anything. They don’t want to fail. He kept poking and poking. You’d think it’s local anesthetic. But, no! There’s something to be said about that! Poking and poking till I felt… Doctor! As he was poking and stuffing it in, a student came rushing in. “Sorry, Professor, for being late. Traffic was terrible.” No worries, we’ll get it out again. And there I was. To tell you the truth, I kind of liked it! It’s kind of special! So he said, “Don’t worry, we’ll put it in the Vaseline, and stuff it in again.” Stuff, stuff, stuff… A fourth student came in. “Sorry, Professor…” I said, “Fuck! I’m gonna start liking that! I’ve never considered that. You’re making me think about it! It was supposed to be simple. What is this?” I said, “Doctor, what are you doing?” He said, “It’s OK.” He started pulling it out. I said, “What do you mean, it’s OK? Before the fourth student, I was this size. Now I’m this size!” We finished the procedure, and they said, “Mr. Karam, you have to spend the night in the hospital. We’ll take you up to the room to rest.” I said, “OK.” He said, “You have insurance?” I said, “Sure.” “But your insurance covers you for second class.” I said, “What is that?” I didn’t know what second class meant. I thought…second class, OK, it’s cheaper, but it’s OK. Turns out, there’s a big difference between second class and first class. A whole different story. They took me to the appropriate floor, sitting in the wheelchair. In second class, there is no privacy. Everyone on the second-class floor knew I’d had a colonoscopy. Everyone! They put me in a wheelchair that had the round rubber thing so I could sit. A guy passing by said, “What? You got stuffed? Cool!” They took me to my room. Number 104, I still remember it. On my way, a Bengali orderly looked at me. He said, “Hello, sir, how was the colonoscopy? Hurt your ass?” Anyway, they took me to the room. In second-class rooms, there are two beds. I didn’t know. It was my first time. Thank God I was old enough. So, there were two beds in the room. The one on the left had a view. What view, you ask? A cemetery! The right-hand-side bed was against the wall. What’s cool is, when they take you to the room, they throw you on the bed like a sack of potatoes. “Throw him!” And there you are. That’s what it’s like in second class. The nurses came to hang the drip and take my temperature. In the next bed there was an elderly man, about 80 years old. I got to know him and his wife. She was, like, 70. His name was Abo Dani, and his wife, Em Dani. I’ll tell you all about them. The nurses came; two nurses in charge of the whole floor in second class. Their names were Enaam and Aida. What blew my mind was when you call for Enaam, ten nurses answer! And when you call Aida, ten answer! That floor was specifically for the Enaams and Aidas! Enaam had served 15 years of hard labor in prison, and then was pardoned. Her hair was black and crinkly, thick eyebrows, itty-bitty eyes, and sideburns running down to her mouth, with a bleached moustache, as if the problem were its color! Aida, on the other hand, she was short, skinny, with short white hair, a fuzz of hair here, and she hates men. They came to take my temperature. They lay me on my side, with my face to the wall and my ass to Abo Dani. At this point, my asshole was this wide. The thermometer wouldn’t stay in! She puts it towards the bottom, it slips. She puts it up top… Now, mind you, Abo Dani had been there for a long time, so he’s familiar with Enaam and Aida. He was joining in too! Abo Dani looked and said, “I don’t know. Son, clench your asshole so this will work.” I said, “Abo Dani, what do you mean? I’m clenching! It’s not working.” Then Em Dani chimes in, “Wrap some gauze around it to thicken it.” Yeah, right, all between me, Abo Dani, Em Dani, Enaam and Aida. Em Dani got up, came closer and looked at my ass. She said, “Abo Dani, I see a zit. I don’t like the look of his ass.” He said, “Tell him to put some mallow on it. It’ll go.” Abo Dani is really something. I liked him a lot. We got quite attached. He had been in that room for a long time. A long time in 104. How did I know that? When I got into the room, it didn’t feel like entering a hospital room. It felt like I was going into Abo Dani’s home. Em Dani had put a welcome mat at the door. Then as I was lying there, I noticed there was a shelf under the TV. Em Dani had her children’s pictures up on it! Dani as a child, Dani as he got older, Dani is fat, a picture of Danielle, their elder daughter, married and living in Canada. On top of the TV, Em Dani had put a piece of crotchet work. You know, crotchet. What did it say? “Our Father who art in Heaven…” Crotchet work saying, “Our Father who art in Heaven…” on top of the TV! In the corner Em Dani had put up a shrine to the Virgin Mary, with dripping candles, and a charity box for the restoration of Mar Shalita church. Thank God the doctor came. He didn’t come to my room. The doctors don’t usually come to second class. Only trainees. Impossible to see a doctor. Even if you holler, no doctor comes, only trainees. One came and said, “Mr. Karam, the doctor told us to tell you that you’ll need to spend another night in hospital.” I said, “Wait! OK. Is it possible to upgrade to first class?” He said, “Sure.” I said, “Fine. Send me a surgeon. I’ll have to sell you my kidney, I guess.” The move is expensive! The change to first class is an issue! Damn expensive. Anyway, I was moved to first class. In first class, there’s no Enaam and Aida. There’s Cynthia and Jennifer. You feel euphoric the minute you reach first class. You smell the jasmine. You look, and there are Cynthia and Jennifer. Let me tell you about them. They look kind of like Anabella. Tall, beautiful, sexy, you could just eat them up! Gorgeous. They live on toast and quinoa. Just lovely. What’s cool is that when they come to hook up the drip, they’re nothing like Enaam and Aida. When Enaam came to do that, she stepped on the bed, smashed my face and hooked up the drip. Cynthia bent down and hooked it up. Five-star treatment in first class! If only you could see how Cynthia received me. They’re multi-lingual! “Bonsoir, Monsieur Karam, welcome to first class. Welcome, Mr. Karam.” The room, let me tell you about that. Lovely. Very spacious, white walls. No green walls here. A king-size bed, an LED-screen TV…curved! The remote control is there in your hand. Not like with Em Dani! Only a champ could get it from her. If you touch it…stop it! In first class, there are no trainees. They’re all professors and up. A professor came to check on my status. I was asleep. Snoozing. I felt his hand touching my ear. “Mr. Karam? Mr. Karam? Sorry to wake you up. We just need to check on you. I’m Professor Ajeeaa.” I said, “Hello, Professor.” He said, “Guess who is here with me.” I looked and said, “Who?” He said, “The insurance company manager, the hospital manager and the doctor. Look who else is here.” I looked up and saw all the saints there. Even Mar Shalita was there! Food in first class is another story. When you eat there, it’s like watching one of those cooking shows on MTV. Unbelievable. I asked, “What are we having today?” She said, “Mr. Karam, today it’s duck with cauliflower and red radish.” I said, “Wow, cool.” She went on, “And for dessert, we have puff pastry with a raspberry and cherry reduction.” I said, “Perfect!” The food comes accompanied by a violinist! There I was using the fork and knife and… When I finished, I saw Jennifer standing. She said, “Mr. Karam, we’re ready to burp you.” Six months later, I went to the hospital to visit a sick friend. He had some health problems. When I went there, I realized that that was where Abo Dani was. So I decided to go and see how he was doing. On my way, I met a trainee and asked him, “Is Abo Dani still here?” He said, “Where else would he be? He’s kind like a guinea pig! We’re experimenting on him! He’s here for good!” I got to his room, and found some extras that Em Dani had added. Things I hadn’t seen before. They installed a bell! His name was on the door: Edmond Megaes, and, in brackets, Abo Dani. I heard a whirring sound inside. I rang the bell…birds chirruping. She couldn’t hear it. I knocked hard on the door. She finally opened it. Her hair was up and she was vacuuming! She’d brought down the winter clothes and laid out a rug. She even had a Christmas tree up. As I walked in, I heard Abo Dani… I said, “Hey, Abo Dani, how are you now? I hope you’re feeling better.” He said, “Yeah, thanks to yesterday’s meal.” My dear Abo Dani, I will never forget him, like I will never forget my trip to Africa. I want to tell you about my experience there. There might be a lot of people who know about it, but also there are many who don’t. Who’s been to Africa? Anyone visited Africa? We should all go visit Africa. We men should go visit Africa to get an idea of what things are like there. Some time ago I went to Africa to visit my friend Ali Shour. I love my friend. Bonjour, Aloush. I’ll tell you. I was with Ali in the Ivory Coast, a beautiful country. The roads, left and right, are lined with banana trees. I was in the car with Ali, I remember. We were talking. I am a bachelor, and this was guys’ talk. I said, “Aloush, I want to meet an African woman. Everything is naturally ‘built in.’ No plastic surgery.” “Yeah, sure,” he said. “I know a beautiful woman, I’ll call her.” He was calling her, we’re sitting in traffic. I swear to you, this is what happened. I was sitting in the car, and over on this side, there’s a river. As he was calling her, I was looking around. I saw a guy bathing. An African guy. At first glance, I thought he had three legs. I saw three legs! I looked again and, no, not three legs! He saw me staring at him down there, so what did he do? He hauled it up, and started scrubbing himself. He picked a banana leaf and started scrubbing. He was grabbing it and scrubbing. I mean, what is that? I couldn’t believe it! I said, “Ali, hang up. Don’t just hang up, switch it off!” He said, “Why?” I said, “Look! What is that? He’s in the water. It’s shrunk, but it’s still that long!” He said, “So what?” I said, “Cancel the call. I don’t want that woman.” He said, “But we already called her.” I said, “I don’t want to look bad!” He said, “Why?” I said, “Imagine I go to the hotel, I strip down and she comes in. The first thing she’ll say is, ‘Where is it?’ She’s used to the half-meter and more! What would she think of 17 centimeters? She won’t even see it! She would need a pair of tweezers to pull it out! I’ll be humiliated. Don’t want it. Did I come to Africa to be humiliated? She’ll be like, ‘Alright, just come and tickle me.'” Their sizes are really different. Different. No, no. I was traumatized. I noticed something else there too. They sell water in a bag, and pistachios in a bottle. Go figure. They are so comfortable with their sex organs. No problem. Here, things are censored. There, it’s all good. If a guy feels like it, he just whips it out, right there and then. I went to the hotel, depressed. My room was on the 13th floor. Out on the balcony having a smoke. I used to smoke back then. I saw the hotel manager walking around with a guy talking about removing a banana tree, and doing this and that. I saw him, and I guess he needed to pee. Mind you, I’m on 13th floor. He unzipped his pants and started rolling it out like a rope! And I’m standing there on the 13th floor, and I see something really long! Really! And he’s just talking as he was pulling it out, and he was going about his business. On the other side, a woman had this red sack on her head. She’s topless, with a tree leaf here, and walking along. Big ass! She was going to pass in front of the guy as he was peeing. Right in front of him. For a second, I imagined he was gonna tell his friend to grab the other end of it and go like this. “Come.” After that… After that I told Ali, I don’t want to go to Africa. From now on, if I travel, I’d be better off going to China. In China, 17 centimeters, you’d be a champ! Rocco, the stud! You laughed when I said Rocco! Guess you know who he is! Rocco is a porn star. She blushed! She knows him. Only men are supposed to laugh at that. I said Rocco and she went… Speaking of porn, you know? Statistics show that we Arabs rank number one in watching porn sites. Seriously. But we don’t admit it. You know who else doesn’t admit it? Women. You ask a woman, do you watch porn? She goes, “Ew! Disgusting!” A new bride would be sitting there and the groom comes along, thinking that she’s… He’d asked her before, “Do you watch porn?” She said, “No, that’s disgusting! Don’t mention porn!” He starts undressing and turns around, she’s there in high heels and lingerie. Suddenly it’s all spilling out. “What shall we do today, baby? Eagle position?” “What’s the eagle position?” “You climb on top of the closet, jump off, and I’ll be here with my legs wide open, and when you get here you flap and gyrate.” He’s shocked! “How do you know? You’ve never seen porn.” “Yeah, whatever. I know a few things. Let’s try the chandelier position.” “What’s that?” “You climb up the chandelier, you twirl, I lay here, you come down on top of me and twirl.” “Where do you get these ideas?” “You know what my favorite position is? The washing machine. I sit on top of the washing machine, you stand, and the washing machine does all the work.” So you know Rocco. He gets really sweaty! A lot! Have any of you ever watched a full porn movie? I’ve only gotten as far as 15 minutes, that’s my maximum. No more. I wish someone would tell me. What happens at the end? Does the leading man die? I would like to know what happens to him. How does a porn movie end? I don’t know. You finish off and that’s it. In porn movies, the leading man is always the pizza delivery guy. Before I started acting, I worked in a pizza place. I had my eye on our neighbor. I was waiting for her to order a pizza. One day, she did. I got ready and put on my pants, wearing nothing underneath. In porn movies they slip off their pants and they’re ready. I arrived with the pizza, ready for action and doing all the porn-star moves. Like this. She opened the door, took the pizza, kicked the door shut. There’s also the pool man. Yeah? He’s always cute. The women sit there around the pool, lying there, then they get topless. And he’s there cleaning the pool. And they’re there, flirting. He moves closer. And closer. And he does them! But the best guy is the plumber who wears his overalls, with nothing underneath. She calls him, “Please, I need a plumber.” He arrives right away. She opens the door, he’s standing there, with a body like a V! He undoes his overalls, and he’s naked! Our plumbers are different! Our plumber comes over with a belly, he bends down and you see his ass. A plumber comes to your house to fix the tap. He bends over and you can see red butt cheeks. There are different levels. Plumber with red butt cheeks, plumber with non-red hairy ass, and the higher level has red butt cheeks and hairy ass. Hair coming out at you. No hair on top, but hair down there. You’d be standing in dripping water with your wife. He’s bending over, in front of her. And there’s his ass! “Enough! Shut up! Let him fix the tap. It’s good he came!” I don’t watch porn. It means nothing to me now. My advice to all guys is, if you want to watch something to get you worked up, watch a women’s tennis match. I speak from experience. When I watch a women’s tennis match, I get…a shiver! When you see the match, you feel like they’re challenging you. Think about it. Their skirts are so short, and their thighs! How do they get those? So long! The way she holds the racket! You get the point! When I go to watch a match, I prepare myself. A towel, a whisky bottle, tissue paper, a trash bin, and I sit, ready. I’m prepared. I won’t watch otherwise. Look at how they stand, holding the racket like that. The director always takes close-ups of her face. You see the sweat running down. And she goes… The other player, with her thighs. He takes a shot from below, going up, with sweat running down. The short skirt, and two balls stacked there. And the referee says, “Quiet, please.” He wants silence. It starts and she dribbles the ball… I pull off the towel and get going. And I go… Damn you! In porn, we don’t go more than 15 minutes. Here, we don’t go more than one set! I can tell you all this because I’m not married. Can you imagine if I were married? God forbid! I hate marriage. I was married once. It’s my fault, not hers I don’t want to be overdramatic. But I won’t have it. I don’t even like going to weddings. Weddings in Lebanon are weird. I noticed something. Our weddings here, if you don’t know, are all the same. I hate going to weddings. Hate it! When I get invited, I feel I’m going to applaud a couple who are going to screw after a while. The shittiest occasion in the world! Imagine, standing there clapping… What the hell is this? And weddings here are all the same. The venue always has a staircase. If you go to any wedding, there’s a staircase, and the bride comes down. There’s always a wedding procession. This last wedding had extra. Not a regular procession, but 100 costumed performers. And on the other side, 100 costumed women. They took us back in history to Saladin’s days. Women carrying water jugs. And the men swinging their swords. If you go to the toilet, you have to be careful. They might slice you in half! There’s this loud guy at the party who stands with the microphone, calling for the bride to come down the stairs. As he does that, everyone is supposed to stand there waiting for the bride to appear. I was sitting there at this wedding. Luckily I knew the groom, not the bride. This guy started shouting. She was on a seat carried by four guys. She sits there and they carry her down the stairs, so that people can be awed! So the guy starts calling for her… “Reveal yourself, you beautiful gazelle.” “Reveal yourself, face of the moon.” “Reveal yourself, night moon…” When he says that, she’s supposed to appear up there. The minute he said that, something appeared. Night Moon appeared up there… and everyone went… A woman sitting next to me wet her pants! “What is that?” You know the witch on the broom? She’s a beauty compared to our Night Moon. Coming down those stairs, the four guys were like… And she’s just sitting there. And that idiot, the groom… thinks she’s a real beauty! It was such a shock, because Lebanese women are usually beautiful! But at weddings, I’m not sure what happens! Do you see what happens to women when they go to weddings? They all think they have to surpass the beauty of Night Moon. She’ll be, like, 1.30 meters tall, and her husband is 1.85 meters. At weddings. She’ll be walking with her husband… She’s in high heels, with huge hair, tons of eyeliner, in her shimmering dress, holding her husband’s hand. He’s walking next to her and she’s strutting along. Avatar! At that wedding, I was scared shitless! And Night Moon’s girlfriends. Usually at the table, you’re with people you don’t know, so you can mingle. A girl was sitting next to me in a shimmering dress, next to her mom. Her mom was like… with all the nipping and tucking, this was here and that was there! A little too much nipping and tucking! No more places to tuck! She’s sitting next to her mom, who starts to poke her. “Get up and dance. Get up and dance! That’s Patrick, just arrived from Dubai.” Her mom is her pimp! I’m, like, what is this? And the fat girl, a friend of Night Moon, all she cares about is catching the bouquet. Wants to get hitched. She has, like, 250 bouquets, but it hasn’t worked yet. She has a greenhouse at home. No matter. Night Moon got hitched by chance! My favorite is the girl who had her eye on that idiot. But Night Moon got him first. Know when she showed her true colors? The dancing. The music started and she got up. So cool, she got up to dance. Showing him her moves. Like, “Look what you’re missing out on, asshole!” There’s also that mutual friend of Night Moon and the idiot. He’s always this huge guy. One meter 95. He picked up the idiot and picked up Night Moon like this and started to dance with them, jumping up three meters. Can you imagine? He’s in a shiny gray suit and white shoes, red hair that’s sticky because he’s sweating. He’s carrying them both because he’s friends with them both. Just like being in a rodeo! Hang on! Night Moon wipes her eyeliner and looks even shittier. And the more he sweats, the more he wipes his face on her dress. She kicks him and says “You’ll dirty the dress, you bastard! It’s rented!” But the best at the wedding are the groom’s friends. They’ve been drunk for two days. They arrive drunk and leaning on each other. One is leaning like this, and the other like this, drinking whisky. It’s not going in their mouths! It’s spilling. And they’re telling terrible jokes. Like… Their mouths are drooling! “Hey, groom… Hey, groom.” They want everyone to listen. “Groom, we want you to make us hold our heads up high.” I looked at him and said, “What do you mean? What’s your head got to do over there between her thighs? Say something else!” So what did they start joking about? One said, “Listen to this. Hey, groom. Did you eat caviar?” Egging him on. The other guy poked him. “No no, groom. Eat shrimps.” I said to him, “Eat shit.” The best thing for you two. No more dumb jokes. Enough. I left that wedding and it was the end of my sorrows. I don’t go to weddings anymore. I am happy to attend funerals. If the idiot and Night Moon die, I will be the first at their funeral. I love going to funerals. I really like it. I really enjoy it. The minute they see me, they poke each other “He’s here. The one who makes you forget about your sadness.” I kiss them, and I don’t know, should I look happy? Sad? I feel lost at a funeral. We also have a certain way at funerals. In Lebanon, all the funerals you go to are exactly the same. The family members stand to receive condolences. You go, “May he rest in peace.” There’s always that one who hugs you tightly and starts to cry. “We lost our dear one, we lost him.” He sniffles all over you. You say, “May he rest in peace, God be with you.” You go to the deceased’s family and ask, “Who’s that?” They don’t know! He sniffled all over me! Who is he?” And then you’re sitting there and the coffee guy comes along. “Coffee, sir?” “No, thanks.” He walks around. “Water?” “No, thanks.” Then he offers it over your shoulder. “Coffee?” At every funeral, there’s the liar. The coffin is in the middle of the room. I’m sure you’ve seen this. The coffin is in the room, he waits till there’s no crowd. He’s been hiding somewhere. He wants to be the star. He approaches. “Where is he? Where is he? I lost my dear one! You shouldn’t be lying there! Get up, little one. Get up, my dear.” The family starts to cry. “I lost my dear one! What happened? How did he die? He was with me three days ago. He was OK.” He hasn’t seen him for three years. “You’re a liar. You shouldn’t be here. Only Aunty Audette should be here.” Aunty Audette. I’ve run into Aunty Audette at, like, 15 funerals. She’s about 75. But looking at her, you’d say she’s around 50. Nipped and tucked. Always smiling. Her husband died 45 years ago, and she looks like this, and she’s so old. Two guys carry her in. They go with her to put her in front of the coffin. They carry her in. “Where is he?” These two are always with Aunty Audette. They go with her to funerals to put her in front of the coffin. They throw her. And she starts. “No, no, no. This is not possible. This is not possible. You shouldn’t be lying there!” She kisses his cold hand. “You left us too soon.” But something I’ve heard from her, at all 15 funerals, she says the same thing. She says to every dead body she sees, “Give my love to Edward.” That’s her husband who died 45 years ago. How can he send her love to Edward? Is he the Lebanese postal service? How can he do that? She imagines he’ll go up there, “Hi, guys. Which one of you is Edward?” And Edward is over there playing backgammon. He says, “I’m Edward”. He says, “Audette sends you love.” “Yeah, I know. You’re the fourth one today passing on her love.” So he asks him, “Edward, how did you die?” “I killed myself to get away from that bitch!” I’m really happy to see you all. I had so much fun with you. I hope you had fun too. In every show… This is such a big night for me, such a big night for me as a Lebanese. The first Lebanese to be on Netflix. You deserve it. – Thank you, dear! – You really deserve it. My dear Alex, I recognize your voice. If you’ll allow me, since this is such a special show, I would like to dedicate each show to my father. He left us 18 years ago and I really love him very much. I really do. And I want to say something, Dad, through Netflix, Dad, I dedicate my show to you. Wait! Dad, give my love to Edward.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ricky Gervais: Humanity (2018) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-humanity-transcript/

Hello. Hello! How you doing? Great. Thank you. Wow. Calm down. Shut the fuck up. Thank you. What a lovely welcome. I’m gonna try my hardest tonight. You’re thinking, “Relax, we’ve had our money’s worth just seeing you.” What? You’re a legend. Shut up! What is he? I’m not a god. I’m just an ordinary guy, you know, going round talking to people sort… sort of like Jesus… in a way… but better. Well, I’ve actually turned up. So… Thank you and welcome to my new show, Humanity. I don’t know why I called it that. I’m not a big fan. I prefer dogs… obviously. Dogs are better people than people, aren’t they? They’re amazing, dogs. They’re our best friends. They guard us, they guide us. There’s medical detection dogs that can smell if you’ve got… AIDS. I’m not a doctor… but their noses are a thousand times more sensitive than ours, so they go, “Cor, you’re well HIV! Fuck!” You know? And you go, “You can smell AIDS on someone?” Yeah. “Why didn’t you smell it on the bloke I brought home last night, you fucking idiot?” They did the first three billion years by themselves, evolution and all that. Then we got involved and did some selective breeding. Getting them how we wanted, to do jobs for us. Bit stronger, faster, whatever. They’re great at the jobs they’re bred to do. They love the job they’re bred to do. They’re genetically hardwired to love that behavior. Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback was bred to hunt lions. I can’t help but think it was a shock to it when it found out. So we’ve got all the pedigrees for miles around. A big passing-out parade. There’s a bloke with a white coat and a clipboard. He goes, “Right, dogs!” They go, “What?” “Who wants to know what job they got?” “We all do. We all do.” “Okay, Labradors.” “Yeah?” “Do you like carefully bringing back dead ducks?” “Yeah?” “That’s your job.” “Amazing. That is amazing. That is my favorite job. That is my favorite job.” “Jack Russells?” -“Yeah?” -“You like shooting down rabbit holes?” -“Yeah!” -“That’s your job.” “Fuckin’ hell. Best day ever! Best day ever!” -“Miniature poodles?” -“Yeah?” “Do you like being carried around by elderly homosexuals?” -“Yeah.” -“That’s your job.” That’s your job. “Ridgebacks?” “Yo!” “You’re hunting lions.” “What?” “You’re hunting lions.” “Fuck off!” -“Yeah, you are.” -“No, we’re not. Look, lions? We’ll get fucking mashed! Why can’t the Rottweilers hunt lions?” “They’re shaking babies.” Good boy! Good boy! You shake that baby if you want. Good boy! Cheers. This is my first new stand-up for seven years, if you don’t count the Golden Globes. Which you shouldn’t. The Golden Globes. Very different. God, a different vibe. Two hundred million people watching. And it’s live. Big thrill. But with that many people watching, there’s a bit of stick. Everyone’s different, everyone’s a blogger. Everyone goes, “I was offended.” -“Why?” -“He said an horrible thing.” “He said loads of horrible things.” “Yeah, but that was a thing that I care about.” That’s the thing about offense, it’s about personal feelings. I don’t care about the backlash. “Comedian in hot water.” You know? My girlfriend, Jane, she worries, and she reads things. “What have you said?” “Don’t worry. They won’t come to the house. Fuck ’em.” So I wind her up. I pretend I’m gonna say much worse things than I ever would. I have to make up worse jokes than I actually… Just to scare my girlfriend. When I do the Golden Globes, we go out about a week before. It’s in LA. We fly out. I’m writing jokes as the ceremony approaches. They release more presenters. I take my pick. “I got a good intro for them. Yeah. Mel Gibson? I’ll introduce him, yes.” About three days before this last one, just to wind Jane up, I said, “I got a good intro.” She went, “What?” I said, “Bill Cosby would make our next presenter sleep on the couch. Please welcome Helen Mirren!” I didn’t do it. She said, “You won’t do that?” I said, “No.” Next day, I got her again. I said, “Is this too much?” I said, “Not even Bill Cosby carries enough tranquilizer to bring down this next magnificent beast. Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!” I didn’t do it! I would never… I’d never… tell a joke like that. It’s horrible. I was just doing it to annoy Jane. I’d never even… think… of that, so don’t… Even on the day, on the way to the red carpet, in the limo, I said, “I’ll start with a funny one-liner. An old-fashioned joke.” She went, “What?” I said, “What did the deaf, dumb and blind orphan get for Christmas?” Jane went, “I don’t know.” I said, “Cancer.” I didn’t do it, so… you’re getting offended at a joke that doesn’t exist, so… I’d never say that in public, so… To anyone who mattered, anyway. So, don’t… I didn’t have to worry about offending anyone. It just happens. The big controversy last time I did it was a Caitlyn Jenner joke. Outrage on Twitter the next day. I mean a couple of people going, “It was transphobic.” It wasn’t transphobic in the slightest. It was a joke about a trans person, but it had nothing to do with that aspect of her existence. And that’s the other thing about offense. People mistake the subject of a joke with the actual target. They’re not necessarily the same. I’ll tell you the joke, you make your minds up. It’s live, so they go, “Your host for the 68th Annual Golden Globes Awards, please welcome Ricky Gervais.” They’re all clapping, the actors are smiling at me. Nervously. It’s brilliant, right? So, I just go, “Relax, I’m gonna be nice tonight. I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously.” And I go, “Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course.” And what a year she’s had. Became a role model for trans people everywhere, bravely breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers…” That’s a clever joke. I’ll tell you why. Right? It’s layered. No, listen, right? The subject of that joke is stereotypes. I’m playing with the notion of stereotypes. I start by saying she’s a real woman, a liberal, progressive attitude. Then if she’s a real woman, I hit them with the old-fashioned stereotype. She must be a bad driver, then. Right? The target of the joke is a celebrity killing someone in their car. Let’s not forget that, shall we? A celebrity killing someone in their car, running home and popping on a dress. That’s… the target of the joke, just so we’re clear. Okay? She was interviewed a week later at a press conference for a show of hers. Now cancelled. And… one of the press said, “What do you think of the Ricky Gervais joke?” She went, “Maybe I should host the Golden Globes.” And they tweeted that and @-ed me in, because they want a celebrity feud. It was clickbait. I rose to the bait. Obviously… I just sent back, “Let her host. Just don’t let her drive.” Another website that was in the room, Entertainment Weekly, they tweeted a different headline, and they @-ed me in. Their headline was “Caitlyn finally breaks silence over Ricky Gervais.” I just sent back: “At last. She always brakes too late.” Bring it on. Bring it on. But I’m a considered comedian. I like my jokes to be accurate and my targets to be fair. So I was engaging these people, saying, “Why is it transphobic?” They said, “It’s about a trans person.” That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying a joke about Bill Cosby is automatically racist. It depends on the joke. But I’m willing to learn. I found out my crime was that I dead-named her. I’d never heard that term before a day after the Golden Globes. And that was saying her old name, and even acknowledging she used to be a man. But she did! I saw him on the Olympic Games! He was a decathlete, he was in everything! All over the place! Shot put and pole vault. He won a medal! He was famous! He was on telly all the time, you know? A big… famous… man. With a huge… I don’t know. I’m guessing. Probably. He was big. But I’ve learnt my lesson. Now I know it’s wrong. I’d never dead-name her now. But, years ago, when she was a… man… Years ago, I’m saying. And she went to the… doctor… and… knocked on the door. The doctor went, “Come in!” This is years ago. I’d never dead-name her now, but this is like… a flashback before anyone… You know what… so… so, like, “Come in!” And he went, “Hello, Bruce Jenner.” Because that… that was his name… then. The doctor– This was years ago… The doctor went, “All right, Bruce Jenner, how you doing, you fucker? You big old lunk. How you doing? Come here, you, you fucker. How you doing, Brucie boy?” And Bruce Jenner– That was his name. This is years ago. Right? So… Bruce Jenner went, “Yeah. Yeah, not too bad, Doctor. Yeah.” “What can I do for you, Bruce, you fucker? How you doing, boy?” And Bruce Jenner went– That was his name. Bruce Jenner went… “Look at that.” The doctor went, “Come on, Bruce Jenner, you know the rules.” He uses his whole name every time, for some reason… “Come on, Bruce Jenner, you fucker. You know the rules. You can’t bring your big old pole vaulting pole in here, mate.” Bruce Jenner went, “No, that’s not my pole, that’s my enormous penis.” “Well, seeing as it’s your penis, you can bring it in here. But you should have left your shot puts outside.” And Bruce Jenner went… That was his name for… fifty-eight years, I think. He went, “No, they’re not my shot puts, Doctor, they’re my enormous testicles.” That’s where I keep my testosterone, and my spunk, and shit, right? And the doctor went, “Oh yeah. That makes perfect– I’m a medical man. You’re a big bloke. You fucker. How you doing, boy? You’re a big… You’re big, and you would have a big old… cock and… balls. They’re beautiful.” Bit familiar, innit? “No, you must be very proud of them, Bruce.” Bruce went, “This is going to surprise you, Doctor. I wanna get rid of them.” And the doctor went, “What? Why?” “Oh, they get in the way.” “In the way of what?” “Fucking driving, for one thing!” So, I’m engaging these people, and I’m saying, “But I had to say her old name. That’s the joke. I say, “I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner.” Then I do the joke.” But, no. This is my second crime. I say, she hasn’t changed. She’s always identified as a woman. That means she’s a woman. Fine, if that’s the rules. If you feel you’re a woman, you are. I’m not a bigot who thinks having all that done is science going too far. In fact, I don’t think it’s going far enough. Cause I’ve always identified as a chimp, right? Well, I am a chimp. If I say I’m a chimp, I am a chimp. Pre-op. But… Don’t ever dead-name me. Don’t call me Ricky Gervais again. From now on, you call me Bobo. I’m gonna have species realignment. I’m halfway there. I’m short, with short legs and long arms. I stoop. My back’s getting hairier by the day. I’ve got fangs, like that. I love nuts. I love nuts. Once, I was at the zoo, and people were looking at me, so I just started masturbating, like… So… I am a chimp, right? I am a chimp if I say I’m a chimp. I’ve got to live as a chimp for a year. Then have hormones, get me all nice and hairy. That’d be lovely. I’m gonna stay a male chimp… so I can keep all that, right? Male, heterosexual chimp. Keep the same girlfriend. Jane would be happy. She loves me, she loves chimps, so… You know. I reckon that’s got to be easier for a man to turn into a chimp, we’re so close, than for a man to turn into a woman, in many ways. A bit of hair, and a top lip like that, as opposed to your cock and balls ripped off… and a hole gouged out, into– I’m not a doctor! But that is… the gist of it. I know which one I’d rather have done. I’m not saying chimps are better than women. No way. Right? Any ladies here? I can’t see you, but, to me, every single one of you is equal… to a chimp. So… So, I’d have all that done, hair and that. I’d do all that, all the… I’ll retain the ability to speak English. Like in emergencies. I’m talking to Jane, she’s going, “What is it?” “What is it, Bobo?” “You left the fucking oven on! There’s a fire!” Are you saying that if Caitlyn Jenner was being chased by a wolf, and there was a big fence but she had a long pole, she’d… revert. She’d be over that fucking… Easy. So I’d have all that done. Top lip. Doing all that. Right? I’ll be legally a chimp. I’ll be well… properly chimped-up. I’ll be able to use chimp toilets! I’ll be walking along, holding Jane’s hand. “Come on, Bobo.” Right? We don’t hold hands now. I don’t know why she’s all over me now I’m a chimp. But we’ll be all in love. Maybe matching jumpers. “Come on, Bobo.” In love. Just two… Like that. Then, if a bigot in a van slows down and goes, “That’s fucking disgusting.” I’ll fling shit at him and run up a tree. And that’s why that joke isn’t transphobic. So… Cheers. So, humanity. What is humanity? What are we? Well, we’ve touched upon it there. We’re great apes. Not metaphorically! We’re literally great apes. We are 98.6% genetically identical to a chimpanzee. We’re closer to chimps than chimps are to gorillas. We left our common ancestor about six million years ago. We have the same life cycle. Same as any other animal. Which is… our parents mate… we’re born… we grow… we mate… our parents die… our friends die… and then we die. Now… my seven-year-old niece didn’t like hearing that. But I said, “You’ve gotta learn. Stop crying.” I said, “You’re seven. You know… today. So… Any more grizzling and this party’s cancelled, so…” Let’s take the first of those. Birth. It’s odd, because a human is born before the end of its natural gestation period. I mean, because of our evolution, our brain is so big, we have to get that huge head out early. That’s why the skull is in parts and supple. Then we go on gestating outside the womb. That’s why we’re so useless. Look at other mammals. A giraffe is walking along. It goes, “I’m proper pregnant.” Right? I’m gonna have a baby giraffe right here. Yeah, there it is. See you later. And the baby goes, “Mum!” It’s got to be fucking ready. We’re… we’re helpless, right? Just think, nine months we’re growing in this perfect environment. Everything’s… It’s like being in a little Kate Bush video, right? Then, suddenly, you’re being squeezed out of an hole near an ass. You’re covered in shit, there’s screaming. You go, “I can’t breathe.” Someone goes, “Yes, you fucking can!” The first one second of life on Earth. You don’t know where you are. You can’t choose where you’re born. I was born in Whitley Estate in Reading, right? I wouldn’t have chosen that. I’d have chosen Hampstead. I did choose Hampstead. It just took 45 years to be able to afford it. Very different. Very different, my upbringing to how I live now. Now I live a privileged life. Hampstead is ridiculous. It’s a rarefied place. It’s like the grandchildren of poets and painters and me, new money, right? But, growing up, it was tough! I don’t know about now, but in my day, my estate was rough and scary. It felt like wildlife. I was weak and vulnerable. There was danger round every corner. My school was on my street and I ran there every day, so I didn’t get mugged or molested. There weren’t many pedophiles in Reading, the murderers had killed a lot. But there was still a couple. I moved to Hampstead. Oh my god! There’s no crime! I saw a knife once in Hampstead. It was a palette knife. Just a bloke, oil painting, in the middle of the street. Broad daylight, no-one gobbing on it or calling him “bender”. It was weird! I know my life has changed drastically, It wasn’t always like that. As a famous person, you read about yourself. Gossip and Twitter and everything. One thing kept cropping up, even as I prepared for this tour. People kept saying, “He’s out of touch. He’s so famous. He’s rich. He’s mega-rich.” I am. Right? I could have this place burnt down for a laugh. No, but they say things like, “He’s an observational comedian. How can he say things that relate to ordinary… scum.” And I say.. I say, “Don’t call them scum, right?” But even the papers, they try and… get around to it. I do interviews and they’ll always say, “Do you always fly first class?” I go, “No. Often private.” Right? The number of times I’ve answered this question. They say, “Do you know how much a pint of milk is?” To make you look out of touch. I don’t know, but that’s irrelevant. Next time a journalist asks me, I’ll say, “I don’t know. But here’s a grand. Run and get me one.” Is that enough? That enough? Yeah. Another question I always get, particularly with the posh Sundays, doing a profile piece. They’re still trying to alienate you, make you look different. They say things like, “You don’t have children.” I say, “No.” “Why don’t you have children?” Which is an odd question. Why don’t you have children? As opposed to asking people, “Why do you have children?” Let’s ask the fat lady in the leggings why she’s had eight, shall we? Nine! That one just fell out. That one didn’t even touch the sides. Or… disturb her cigarette. That one just… Go and claim for that. People say it’s selfish to not have children. How is it selfish to not bring a life into the world that doesn’t exist on any level? There’s not a cabinet full of potential ghost fetuses going, “We want to be born!” Right? But I’ve thought about it and there’s three reasons I don’t have children. Three main reasons and I’ll share them with you. Three reasons. One. There’s millions! The world’s over-populated. No-one’s going, “Rick’s not having kids. We’re gonna run out. Fuck.” Two. Kids are scroungers. Aren’t they? I mean, from day one, it’s all “me, me, me”, isn’t it? “Feed me.” “Clothe me.” “Pay for my chemotherapy.” No… No. Not my problem, son. Not mine. Luck of the draw, boy. Luck of the draw. It costs the average household in the West $200,000 to bring up a child. And they don’t want to pay you back. They’re not grateful. They don’t go, “Thanks for having me.” It’s “I didn’t wanna be born.” Even if they get a top job, which they won’t, you’ll never see that money back. They’ll just put you in a home, okay? And my kid, he’d be born into ridiculous wealth, wouldn’t he? So… He’d be a little cunt. A little Hampstead cunt… running around with all the other fucking little Hampstead cunts, being all Hampstead and cunty. “I’m a little Hampstead cunt.” Yes, I know. “These are my cunty friends.” I know, it’s obvious. I can tell from your little fucking cunty hats that you’re little Hampstead cunts, you little posh Hampstead… First, he’d know he was a little Hampstead cunt. “I’m a little…” Yes, we know. Everyone knows, right? He’d know that, right? On the other hand, he’d know he’d never live up to being as brilliant as his dad. I’d say, “I worked my way up from nothing, and you’re just a useless Hampstead cunt.” He’d go, “Yeah.” And that would probably prey on his little mind a bit. Eleven, twelve, he’d be naughty, run with the wrong crowd, try and get out from under my shadow. Then he’d turn to drugs. About 30, he’d come home, and overdose on my Afghan rug. Twenty grand, that was, right? And as he was there, convulsing, and throwing up his fucking lungs, right, and with his little posh, high-pitched, fucking death rattle… his little fucking dying words, he’d go, “Do you love me now, Daddy?” No! No. No, I never did. That’s why you’ll never be born, you useless, fucking junkie, Hampstead cunt. And, three… I’d worry sick about him. You know? No I would! I’ve only got a cat now and I worry sick about her. I check the door three times when I go out, so she doesn’t escape. I put food and water in every room in case the door shuts and she’s peckish. A human baby? Oh my god, the responsibility of a human life? I’d watch it sleep. You know? We said how weak and vulnerable they are. Oh, my god! You perfect little thing. Oh, you flesh of my flesh. Now, go to sleep in your expensive cot, like that. Night, night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs… Dead. Yeah. Just… Why? Why is it dead? It’s just fucking dead, look! Fuck’s sake! Fucking hell. What the… What a fucking waste of time that was! Fuck’s sake. Embarrassing. “Jane?” -“What?” -“Come here.” -“I’m in the shower.” -“Come here.” “What?” “Fucking dead already. I didn’t… Just fucking… Fucking hell, Jane. You call that a baby? That is…” If Jane was out, I’d have to text her, wouldn’t I? What could you… “Baby’s dead.” She’d come back. “What the fuck?” I’d go, “Yep… Forget the Pampers. LOL.” But even if it made it through the terrifying cot years, and it was a toddler running around head height to my antique tables, with their sharp edges. I’d have to pad them so it didn’t run into it, cave its head in and die. Then Social Services come round and say, “Is this your child, Mr. Gervais?” -“Yeah.” -“What happened here, then?” I go, “It’s a fucking idiot.” I did think of adopting for a while. A little third world child. Because that would tick all three boxes. One, I wouldn’t be adding to the population problem. I’d be alleviating an existing problem. A young kid born, through no fault of his own, into abject poverty, he would have died, I can literally save his life, and give him a great upbringing. Right? Two. He would be grateful, wouldn’t he? He’d wanna pay me back, woudn’t he? Particularly if I let him know the other kids in the village weren’t so lucky. They didn’t… They didn’t make it out. Right? I’d tell him that early on, so he really bucked his ideas up. I’d go, “Tunde, come here. Come here. Yeah, yeah. Go and pop a shirt on, you’re not in Africa now. That’s better. Yeah. Tunde, look– Yeah! Water straight out of a tap, innit? Yes! Yeah. Yeah! No, it’s not free. It’s Hampstead, you know, but… Yeah, course it’s safe. Safe, fresh drinking water. Have as much as you want. Have a bucket full. Fresh drinking water. There you go. Go and clean the car. Go on.” No, I’d go, “Look. Remember all your friends in the village back in Africa? They’re all dead. A rich man didn’t save them and bring them to Hampstead. -Do you wanna pay me back?” -“Yeah.” “Yeah, I bet you do.” The good thing about them is, they can start work when they’re about… six. I just call up Nike and I go… “Do you still make your stuff in sweatshops? Got a great little worker here, yeah. Pound a day’s fine. He’s gotta start somewhere. And, three… if he ran round and caved his head in… and died, and Social Services came round and said, “Is this your child, Mr Gervais?” I’d go, “Does it look like mine?” I’d go… “This is Hampstead. It’s obviously broken in.” That’s why I don’t have kids. Even though I don’t have children of my own, people still show me photos of theirs, like I give a shit. I don’t mean my own family. They’ve given up. I’ve got older brothers and sisters. They’ve had loads of kids. And their kids have kids, and then their kids! There’s about 50. I don’t know all their names. I see them at Christmas. It’s all “Uncle Ricky!” They know I’ve got a bit of cash. They go through my pockets, and then fuck off. It’s like being mugged by mice, right? I don’t mean them, I mean strangers. I could be busy, I could be working, like on the set of a TV or film or something, stressed, producing or directing it. You get someone who’s in for one day, with one line, or a stuntman, they introduce themselves. “Good. Be with you in a minute.” Then they hover. -“Busy?” -I go, “Yeah! Yes. Yeah.” They go, “Working the weekend?” I go, “Not filming, but I’ll be in the edit.” “I’m taking my youngest to ballet lessons.” “Ah. Great. Great.” “Yeah, she’s eight.” “I’ve got a photograph.” I go, “You know what? Show me it if she goes missing. I’ll keep an eye open in the woods.” You’ve gotta go through the whole polite rigmarole, and go, “She’s beautiful.” It’s gotta be long. Too short, it’s awkward. They know. You go, “Yeah, right.” Too long and it’s like, “She’s… She’s fucking beautiful.” It’s a minefield, innit? So… I’m not out of touch. But I am spoiled. There’s a difference. I didn’t have any money until I was 40. I’ve got the same family, friends and values. But I am spoiled. Because opportunity and privilege spoils you. And it doesn’t take much. I’l give you an example. When I first made it in America, the next time we flew, we’re met by a bloke in a suit and a thing. And he just walked us past the queue and straight out the other side. The first time, you’re horrified. “Everyone’s looking.” Pretending to be late, baseball cap. Oh, god. Next time we flew, I went, “Where’s that bloke? I’m not queueing!” It’s quick! When I fly to the States, I’ve got a place there, but I’m always working. So, someone else is paying. So, I go first class. BA. It doesn’t get any better. Even if I was paying, I’d still go first class, but Jane would probably be in coach… It’s ten grand a pop! That new Planet of the Apes movie’s on. She’ll love that. She’ll be up for that. But when someone else is paying, I say, “Jane, get up here with me.” Right? Front two seats… They board us early. We’re on the plane about 15 minutes before anyone else. God. They bring round these snacks, these warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl. Champagne. It’s great. It’s like a day off. No phone or anything. It’s like a holiday, flying to the States. I could do without the safety video. That’s always a bit of a downer. And totally pointless. If you hit the side of a mountain at 500 miles per hour, the brace position does fuck all. Imagine if that worked. You’re going down, the plane smashes. You go, “I’ll try it.” You do that. Ball of flames, you wake up, everyone’s dead. You go, “Fucking hell, that’s amazing, that is!” And they always use that voice, don’t they? That calming, hypnotic voice, like, “Nothing bad will happen.” They’re saying horrendous things, but nothing bad will happen, because I’m using this voice, don’t worry. Things like, “In the event of the plane landing on water–” It smashes the fuck to bits, right? They say, “In the event of the plane landing on water, your life jacket is equipped with a whistle.” A fucking whistle. So, the plane hits the water, smashes to bits, everyone’s dead, except you, by a miracle. You’re bobbing around in the Atlantic Ocean. Four degrees, that water is. You’ve got about 15 minutes before hypothermia sets in. Or you’re eaten by a shark, or you drown. You’re hoping they’ve sent air-sea rescue. You’re going, “God, I’m gonna die, I don’t know what I’m doing!” Hold on! I mean, Air Sea Rescue… I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a helicopter. O course you haven’t. But… They’re fucking loud. It’s like having your head in a washing machine. You have to wear ear plugs and defenders. Your teeth rattle. It’s like… Like that. Over the Atlantic Ocean at night. Never gonna happen. If you crash, you die, right? But apart from that, it’s brilliant. Right… I was flying Heathrow to JFK just before Christmas, right? Boarded us early, on the plane. She comes round. “Champagne in a wine glass, like you like it, Mr. Gervais.” She goes off. I go, “Have you got any of them warm nuts?” She went, “We’re not handing out nuts on this flight. A lady’s getting on who’s so allergic, even someone eating nuts nearby would cause her to have a fatal reaction.” I went, “Oh, my god, of course.” I was fuming. I mean… What’s that got to do with me? Why can’t I eat nuts, just cause… fucking… this woman will… die, right? Nuts! How has she lived this long? If walking by a nut kills you… if being… just near a nut… How has she never been near a nut… before? And how has she lived long enough, having never been near a nut, how has she lived long enough to earn enough money to be near me on a plane, right? Honestly. It’s… And if being near a nut kills you, do we really want that in the gene pool? I mean… I never wanted nuts more. I felt she was infringing on my human right to eat nuts. And this is how spoiled I am, okay? I actually had this thought. I thought, “Oh, I wish I’d brought my own nuts on.” Right?. I thought for a second, but that wouldn’t work. She’d get on and start blowing up like a frog, right? Like that… And… die. And someone would go, “Ricky Gervais brought his own nuts on.” You know, right? So I don’t take my own nuts on. Now, before I fly, I have a shower, and then I rub myself all over… in nuts… just in case. Then I go, “Can I have any nuts?” They go, “No, sorry, this lady would die.” “Yeah, not a problem.” Lady gets on, sits down, starts blowing up like a frog… I go, “What’s the matter?” I touch her all over. “What’s the matter?” She goes, “Nuts!” Right? And dies. And I go, “Who’s been eating nuts?” I get off scot-free. So I got to America, I went on a chat show. Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. And I told that story, the whole thing. It went well, audience laughed. Great. Went out. Next day on Twitter, outrage. By “outrage”, I mean one person going, “How dare you?” This woman goes, “I saw you on Jimmy Fallon, making fun of nut allergies. My daughter’s nut-intolerant. How dare you?” I go, “Who is this woman?” She’s tweeted 15 times. She starts @-ing NBC and Jimmy Fallon. I go, “What’s this? How many followers? Twenty-three. Ignore it.” You know when you’re being told off, and they use your own words against you, like a teacher going, “So, you find so and so funny?” And cause the teacher’s really angry, yes, you do find that thing funny, whatever… She said… “Would you find it funny if my daughter blew up like a frog?” Yeah. Yeah, you saying that… Yes. If you said that at the funeral, I would, yeah… So, someone else gets involved. Ohio Moms Against Nuts, right? And she does a blog, and they’re talking to each other, and she puts me in her blog about how disgusting I am. One filmed her little girl, put it on YouTube, and sent me it. I opened it. Sweet little girl, seven years old. And she went, “Dear Mr. Gervais, I have a fatal nut allergy.” Delete. Not my problem, right? Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Right? But then one of them said something that reeled me in. Just cause I’m this self-confessed Twitter police. I try and explain to someone every day what freedom of speech means, particularly in the context of comedy, and in the context of a joke. A joke about a bad thing isn’t as bad as the bad thing, or necessarily condoning the bad thing. It could be anti the bad thing. It depends on the actual joke. And this woman said… “You should never make jokes about food allergies.” I should have left it, right? I sent back, “I make jokes about AIDS, cancer, famine, and the Holocaust. And you’re telling me I should never joke about food allergies?” She sent back, “Yes, but the Holocaust didn’t kill children.” Well… it did, didn’t it? It was horrible, the Holocaust. Some would say as bad as food allergies. “Didn’t kill children…” Jesus. It did kill children. Hitler killed 12 million people, many of them children. I have to say, Hitler, you couldn’t make him up. The worst human being to walk the face of the Earth. He is a crazy… evil, racist, narcissistic serial killer. Just terrible. But… if I was throwing a dinner party, and I’d been slaving over a hot stove, and I was getting everything ready, and there was one place left, and I had to… either invite Hitler or that little girl with food allergies… I know who’d ruin that party more. Everyone’s enjoying it. “Everything okay?” “Ja, ist yummy!” Right? He’s loving it. I go, “Cheers, you fucker! How you doing, boy?” She’s going, “I can’t eat that.” Fucking hell. “Who wants Ferrero Rocher?” “Me!” “All right. Here!” “I can’t eat them.” Oh, fuck off home. Right? That’s what the world’s like. People see something they don’t like, they expect it to stop, as opposed to deal with their emotions. They want us to care about their thing as much as they do. It’s why the world is getting worse, and the world is getting worse. I think I’ve lived through the best 50 years of humanity… 1965 to 2015, the peak of civilization, for everything. For tolerances, for freedoms, for communication, for medicine. Now it’s going the other way a bit. Last couple of years, just a little blip, maybe. I’m not saying this because I’m old. Old people say things like, “Oh, everything was better when I was a kid.” Course it was. You were a kid. Everything’s better when you’re a kid. Being old is the shit bit. Whatever’s happening, being old is… I wake up these days, and I go, “Oh fuck, I didn’t die.” Gotta do it all again. I’m usually hung over, headache, liver pains. I can’t walk for the first five minutes, ’cause I’ve got no joints in my knees. I’m getting fat again now, right? I was thin till I was about 28, proper skinny, like nine and a half stone. Then I got a job, right? And the next, sort of, 20 years were what I call my eating years… And I just got steadily fatter and fatter. Until I reached a peak of unwellness and blobbiness, when I was about 48 years old. There was one Christmas, I was at home, lying on the floor… And… I was saying to Jane, “I’m having a heart attack.” Right? And, honestly, my heart rate was like 130. I felt nauseous, I had palpitations, I was sweating. Because I’d eaten eleven sausages. True story, right? I was like one of them snakes. Like when you see a big, like… python swallow a pig whole. And then it’s just fucked. It’s, like… it’ll sit there for a week. It’s like a duffel bag. Just there, like that. That was me, right? I wasn’t having a heart attack, but it worried Jane. She said, “You gotta look after yourself.” I thought, “You’re right. 48.” So I started working out, right, every day. I didn’t give anything up. I don’t eat meat anymore. But I was having 2500, 3000 calories a day, including wine every night. But I burnt it off the next day. Just so I could do all that, I worked out every day, running, weight training… I had more time on my hands than the average person. I had a gym in my house, I had no excuse. I lost 20 pounds. It was great. But now, I still eat and drink too much, but I physically can’t… burn off the calories. I can’t do enough. Cause I’m so old and broken and tired. So, I’m going to get steadily fatter and fatter again, and this time I am going to die. I’m losing my hair. It’s getting really thin. I know it looks great from there. Cheers, but… No, honestly, in a lift, with that light directly overhead, and the mirror, it looks like an x-ray, right? I’ll have to buzz that off soon. I’d never wear a wig, oh, my god. If you wear a wig or a toupee, and you think you’ve got away with it… you haven’t. Everyone knows. Everyone knows immediately. My brain knows a wig has come into the room before I do, right? I could be at a party, it’ll go, “There’s a wig in here.” -I go. “Is there?” -“Yes! There is, yeah!” Spidey senses for the wig. It’s obvious. The way they smile, like nothing’s wrong. Hiya. It’s the telltale signs, isn’t it? I was put off wigs for life by my uncle Reginald. Great bloke. He’s dead now. Died a few years ago. I was only little. He went bald in his twenties. Tragically bald. His hair fell out. It might have been something like alopecia. But he was bald for ten years into his thirties. Turns up one day at our house… “Elvis! What is–” I was about eight, I said to Auntie Edna, “What happened?” She went, “It was a miracle.” They were lying! They were just… Everyone knew he was bald! But he’d embroiled his family in the lie, so they had to lie as well. They’re going, “Yeah, it just grew back.” There’s so much he wouldn’t do, cause he was terrified of the wig coming off. We weren’t allowed balloons at parties, right? Auntie Edna said, “Reg is allergic to balloons.” He wasn’t allergic. He was terrified one of us kids would rub one on our sweater, and his wig would fly across the room. We’ve got photos in the family album. If he’s at a wedding or a christening, and he’s holding a baby, it’s always at arms’ length. Like that. So it can’t grab his wig. It must have been on his mind all the time, right? It was the only thing he feared, the wig coming off in public, and this ridiculous lie being exposed. He was in the Army, hard as nails. He wasn’t scared of anyone or anything. Spiders, snakes… cancer… How’s the chemo going, Uncle? “Not a problem.” We’ve got a photo of him, the last year, I think. He was 75. It must have been the last year he was alive. It was a hot day. He was in the garden. In his little trunks. He was a wizened little man by then. White chest hair. Jet black wig still! Died in it, buried in it. He’s wearing it now. A little skeleton with jet black hair. Like Posh Spice for eternity. But I knew that was gonna happen. I knew I would get old and fat and… ill and blind and deaf and… shit myself and be pushed round in a fucking bucket. You’re ready, because you’re warned. You know about getting old. What they don’t talk about, so you’re not prepared, and it was a shock to me… I only found out recently, I’ll share it with you now. The distending testicles. See, you don’t know about it. But it happens in your fifties. I wasn’t checking them or anything… I didn’t see ’em for 20 years. As a young man, they were pert, and now they’re like two plums in a sock. I don’t know when it happened, but it was recently. They just… And this is how I found out. So, as I’ve been getting older, and they’ve been secretly stretching away… as I’ve got older, I’ve got richer, so my baths have been getting more luxurious. Last year, I moved into a new house in Hampstead. Big bath. Big sunken bath. South-facing windows. I was in there the first night. Lovely bath. Sun streaming in, classical music, this is the life. I looked down. And they’re floating. Right? Now, I’d never dreamt that testicles would float. They seem like they’d be heavy. You could tie things down with them, and they’d sink. You know? Most people never see their… In the sea, you’re in trunks, in the shower, they dangle, and baths aren’t usually that deep! That was my first thought. “Oh, my god, I never thought testicles would float.” Then my second thought kicked in. “Hold on, this bath’s two feet deep!” Right? I’m sitting on the bottom, they’re on top. What’s going on? Right? And… I looked, and my testicles are now longer than my penis. Easily, by some way, right? In fact, they’d created, a little, fleshy sort of life raft, right? My penis was dry, just nestled, just… floating on top. Like that. Like that. Just bouncing around. I should have given it a little whistle. I’m just thinking, “This is bizarre.” Fucking hell, right? And… I thought, “Maybe it’s a fluke.” So I held them under the water for a minute, I let them go and they bobbed up! They’re really… They’re really buoyant, right? Try it when you get home, if you’re in your 50s. And a man, obviously. Or Caitlyn Jenner. But… But the world is getting worse. And I blame the beginning of its demise on social media. Because Twitter and Facebook, that’s where this ridiculous notion bred, and became stable, that it was more important to be popular than right. Everything was “like me”, “agree with me”. It falls into two tribes. “I don’t agree with them, so I block them.” And now, in this post-truth era, people don’t care about the argument, they say, “Who’s saying the argument? No, they’re not on our side.” It’s ludicrous, okay? And it also bred this ridiculous notion we’ve always had. My opinion is worth as much as yours. Now, it’s my opinion is worth as much as your fact, which is nonsense. I get tweets from people saying, “I believe the Earth is 6,000 years old.” “I believe you’re a fucking idiot.” You can’t have an opinion on the age of the Earth. You can have opinions, but not your own facts. But it was all about being popular, right? And even politicians picked up those symptoms. Politicians tweet now, they want to be popular. We had a Brexit referendum cause they passed the buck. They didn’t want to make a mistake. And there’s a ridiculous thing of, “Let’s ask the average person what they think.” Let’s stop asking the average person what they… Do you know how fucking stupid the average person is? We still sell bottles of bleach with big labels on that say “Do not drink”. Right? Let’s take those labels off, right? For two years. And then have a referendum. But it’s not just politicians. Even real news. The news on TV says things like, “Tweet us your news.” Don’t let them tweet you the news! -“I saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.” -You liar! Right? There was a big news story last year, about a train crash that happened a year before, and there was an inquiry. The results of the inquiry were published and there was an expert on the news. He said, “We’ve looked at everything, and we’ve decided that the speed of the trains was a contributing factor, so we’re going to slow them down a bit. Statistically, this shouldn’t happen again.” That would have been it. But the guy went, “We asked the public what they thought.” Then there was three banal vox pops. First one said, “I already pay £960 a year, so I’m not happy.” The next one said, “It takes me 45 minutes each way, it’s not good enough.” The last one said, “I say it’s better to arrive at work late than dead.” Why is that on the news? And when is that applicable in any situation? All right, Ted? You’re in early. Ted? Oh, Ted! We’ve been through this. Remember I said I’d rather you arrive late than dead? But… the big enemy is stupidity… right? I wanna share with you the most stupid tweet I ever got. Now, admittedly, when I first got on Twitter, I pushed my agenda. I was an outspoken atheist. Not to change anyone’s opinions. I thought it was important to tell the other side. There are still 13 countries where people are put to death for being an atheist. I just wanted to say, “It’s fine to be an atheist. It’s fine to believe in God, and it’s fine not to.” That’s all I was saying. I realized I didn’t have to tweet about religion or atheism. I could tweet a fact, and that annoyed just the right people. I’d tweet things like “Happy birthday, Earth. Four point six billion years old today.” Someone would always go, “We know what you’re fucking doing.” This is a tweet I got after one of those. And… it was all in capitals, which excited me… That’s the sign of Twitter madness. Mixed with anger. It’s great, right? I looked at his profile. Sure enough, he’s a gentleman from Texas. He’s a fundamentalist, creationist Christian. Which is fine! He loves God. He loves God and… fetuses, mainly. He loves the fetus from conception to when it turns out gay, and then he’s… Remember it’s in capitals. He’s shouting at me. Best tweet ever. “YOUR SCIENCE–” My science, right? Science, by the way, is spelled S-C-I-E-N-T-S. Already good, isn’t it? I mean… He’s obviously heard the word, he took a guess… Never seen it written down, because it’s not in the Bible. So he’s… “YOUR SCIENTS WON’T HELP YOU… Well, it will. It’s helping him… beam this little message up to a satellite and down to me. “YOUR SCIENTS WON’T HELP YOU WHEN SATAN…” Of course he believes in Satan. Why not? He believes that God made the universe in six days. You’re not gonna say to him, “Do you believe in Satan?” And have him say, “Bit far-fetched.” Why doesn’t God kill Satan? That’s… what I’d ask him. If I was wrong and I met God, I’d go, “Oh, you do exist.” He’d go, “Yeah.” I’d go, “I’ve got a few fucking questions, mate. The first one would be, “Why did you make chocolate kill dogs?” Mental, right? Also, if you hate homosexuality so much, why did you put the male G-spot up the arse? What… What is wrong with you? Then I’d say, “Why don’t you kill Satan?” And he’d go, “What?” I’d go, “Why don’t you kill Satan? If he does all the bad stuff and you do all the good stuff, which you want… I mean, you do want–” “Yes, yeah.” “You could kill him if you wanted, you can do anything, easy.” “Yeah.” “Why don’t you kill him, then?” “Because… Shut up.” “YOUR SCIENTS WON’T HELP YOU WHEN SATAN IS RAPING YOUR BRITISH ASS.” And he’s got a point. Because if I die, and I find myself in Hell, being raped by Satan… Science has pretty much let me down. But it’s this last line that he just throws away. The line he signs off with, makes this the best tweet I’ve ever received. “YOUR SCIENTS WON’T HELP YOU WHEN SATAN IS RAPING YOUR BRITISH ASS. I’LL BE LAUGHING.” So… he’s there too! He’s… So, he’s a fundamentalist… Christian, who’s lived his life by the Old and New Testaments. He dies, he wakes up in Hell, right? Which must be off the charts on the scale of emotional trauma… “Oh, my God, I’m in Hell! Oh, my God, why have you forsaken me? I’m gonna be tortured for eternity!” He sees me getting raped and goes, “Ha, ha, ha!” He’s suddenly over it, is he? His day’s suddenly got a little bit brighter. And like he’s not next, right? So I’m getting raped, right, by the Devil, right? He’s just there. “You fucking atheist scum.” And I’m like that. “Yeah, whatever.” I assume it happens all eternity. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Like that. I might say, “Watch your hooves on my testicles.” And he’d go, “Why are they so distended?” And I go, “Oh, like you’re Brad Pitt!” You know what I mean? Sorry, are we talking or raping? Can we… “You lying, fucking atheist.” He’s probably bored. “Fucking atheists. Every fucking day.” Right? His little gargoyle comes up. “Satan?” He goes, “What?” And I go, “Yeah? What?” He goes, “There’s a fundamentalist Christian.” “Fuck this!” He’d be on him like a ton of bricks! So… I got that tweet. I loved it. All I did was re-tweet, right? And just watch the fun, people piling on, going, “Ah, loser!” And he’s fighting back, really witlessly, saying things like, “Go fuck your sister, you English faggot!” That makes no sense at all. I forgot about it. Went and did something else. Few hours later, on Twitter again. It’s still all going off, right? It’s really funny, I’m laughing at all the replies. People saying things to him. I’m scrolling down. There’s one tweet, directly to me, from this woman. She says, “You find rape funny?” No! No! What? No… “Your mates find rape funny?” No! Listen, right? “You find rape funny?” Listen, everyone! Listen, right? No… I said to her, “I didn’t tweet that.” -She went, “You retweeted it.” -To show he’s an idiot. “But you must find it funny or amusing. It’s not a frivolous thing.” I said, “No, well, it’s up to him, isn’t it? He can do it.” Now I’m arguing with quite a nice, sane person, who thinks this is mental. But I’m fighting for his right… to fantasize about me being raped by the Devil. Because I’m so conscious of “freedom of speech”… What a topsy-turvy world, right? Although her opening gambit annoyed me a bit. Because she did that thing that people do. She didn’t say, “What, you find jokes about rape funny?” She said, “What, you find rape funny?” The answer to that is, no, of course not. No one finds rape funny. Not even rapists find rape funny, know what I mean? Noone ever gives evidence saying, “It was dark, he wore a ski mask, and he was giggling.” That’s never… So… I sent back, “You mean jokes about rape?” She said, “Yes.” -I went, “Depends on the joke.” “-It fucking doesn’t!” I’m going, “No, it does! It does! It depends on the joke. It’s about context, it’s about content. What do you mean by a rape joke?” She said, “Even a joke with the word ‘rape’ in it is unacceptable.” I said, “That’s ridiculous, it depends what the joke is.” I tweeted that clip of me in The Office, going, “I think there’s been a rape up there!” Everyone gets that because of the context. And the target is a middle-aged man, who’s so narcissistic, he’ll say anything to win a silly game. You have to understand the joke and where it comes from. I said, “Some jokes don’t punch up or down. They don’t punch anywhere. They can just be a pun, a play on words, that don’t really mean anything.” A joke went round when I was a kid, even adults told it. I’ll tell you. A woman goes running into a police station. She says, “Help, I’ve been graped!” The policeman says, “Do you mean raped?” She says, “No, there was a bunch of them.” That is a rape joke, right? So…. And I even said to her, “No, I agree, in most cases, yeah. Real rape jokes, they are fucking horrible when the victim is the target. Disgusting! I’d never tell those. But it depends on the joke, not the word or the subject.” I calmed it down, and they agreed some jokes are worse than others. She ended it by saying, “Well, okay, I see your point, but… still… I will laugh at a joke with the word ‘rape’ in it, when no-one in the audience has been raped.” I should have left it. I just sent back, “What a weird door policy.” You turn up to a comedy gig, pay your money, someone says, “Can I just ask you a question?” Yeah. Have you ever been raped? I have, yes. You can’t come in. What? Why? A lady says she won’t laugh if you’re in. Off you go. That’s what the world is like. People take everything personally. They think the world revolves around them, particularly on Twitter. I’m not tweeting anyone, I’m just tweeting. I don’t know who’s following me. I’ve got 12 million followers. They can be following me without me knowing, choose to read my tweet, and then take that personally. That’s like going into a town square, seeing a big noticeboard saying “Guitar lessons”, and you go, “But I don’t fucking want guitar lessons!” What’s this? There’s a number here. Right, call that. Are you giving guitar lessons? I don’t fucking want any! Fine! It’s not for you, then. Just walk away. Don’t worry about it. I should say one thing in Twitter’s defense. I use it as a marketing tool and for fun, like everyone else. But one great thing about Twitter, for me, personally, I’m very into anti animal cruelty. Years ago, it would take ages to get 100,000 signatures on a petition. Standing outside Tesco’s or something. That’s the magic number, because then it gets heard in Parliament. I’ve been part of many campaigns through Twitter when we’ve got 100,000 signatures in days, and the law has been changed. Thank you to those who’ve retweeted about animal cruelty. It makes a difference. Thank you. But even something as clear and distinct as animal cruelty, You think no one’s gonna argue with that. Yes, they will. They just wanna be heard. I’ll tweet something about a bull being tortured in a bullring for entertainment. I say, “Ban bullfighting.” Someone always says, “What about the kids in Syria?” What? Well, I’m not giving you a choice. You can do both. I’m not saying, “Throw that kid back in the hole, there’s a bull here!” And there’s one thing that I didn’t want in my head, but it exists, so we have to deal with it now that I found out, through Twitter. There’s a thing called the Yulin Dog Meat Festival, in China, every year. And it’s horrendous. And we send people with money to buy the dogs, to bring them back. It’s a drop in the ocean. They eat thousands over this weekend. I tweet the details, the petition, people don’t really read it. It’s a knee-jerk. People say, “Racist!” I go, “What?” They go, “We eat pigs and cows in the West.” Yep, we do. I don’t but, yeah, I used to. You’re right, a pig or a cow is worth as much as a dog. It’s not about the species. It’s what they do to these poor dogs. What they do is torture the dogs first. ‘Cause they think it makes the meat taste better. They beat them, they blowtorch them. They even skin them alive. And I saw this picture… on Twitter of the opening of this ceremony. These two guys, in this Chinese square, and they’re skinning this dog alive. It’s screaming, they’re laughing. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I thought, “I’ve got to tweet that.” I tweeted the picture, with a petition, and I just said, “One beautiful creature, and two ugly cunts, skinning it alive.” Right? And it took off. Loads of retweets, it made the press. I got one tweet back, from a woman, that said, “Is that language necessary?” I should have left it, right? But I was… I was incensed! I said, “You’re more offended by a word than by an animal being tortured to death?” She said, “I just hate the C-word.” I definitely should have left it. I sent back, “People who hate the C-word would hear it a lot less, if they didn’t go round acting like such cunts.” Thank you! You’ve been fantastic! Good night! Cheers! Thank you so much! Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed the show. I hope no-one was offended. No, I really do! That’s not the point. I’ve always wanted people to know they can laugh at bad things, without being bad people. I think it’s my upbringing. I grew up… in poverty, with nothing. But the point was to pay your way then have a laugh. That was the men. The women carried on working. It was my older brother, Bob, it was him who I first saw making these dark jokes, right in the bad situation, as things were happening. People were laughing. I realized, “He’s healing them.” That’s what comedy’s for, what humor’s for. It gets us over bad stuff. Right? Typical Bob story. He once spent an hour in the pound shop in Hayling Island, just asking the cashier how much everything was. Just to see if he could break this poor man’s will. Bob was the first person I saw answer back to authority. The first authority you come across are your parents. And he’d get in trouble. He got sent to bed. But I thought he’d won the argument. And he’d tease my mum. My mum was a typical working-class woman. As I say, we lived in a shitty area, right? And most of the houses looked like a bit of mud, and a stolen bike, and fence posts missing. She mended the fence, turfed the garden herself, painted the step. She thought, “If it looked respectable, we’d be respectable.” It was about reputation, I guess. Bob would send her postcards that just read, “Is that pedophile postman still reading your mail?” And she’d take it, she’d go in, and she’d be horrified. She’d call Bob. “He saw it this time, you must stop doing that!” Even at her funeral… My mum died first, and my dad carried on for a year or so, just drinking beer, then he went. At Mum’s funeral, we had different duties. I did catering and flowers. Bob went to see the local vicar. That was a mistake, right? We’d never been to church, he didn’t know us, we didn’t know him. So, he said to Bob, “Tell me about your mum, so I can say a few words.” Bob saw that as an opportunity, right? So, Bob, with a straight face, said, “Well, she was a keen racist.” The vicar went, “I can’t say that.” Bob said, “Okay, put she liked gardening.” He was trying to get the vicar to say something to make us laugh in church. He didn’t warn us. And he did get something by the vicar. So we’re called Ricky, Robert– Bob– Ricky, Robert, Marsha and Larry. Now, Larry is the oldest, in his seventies. Born in the war. I always thought he was the sensible one. First born, weight of the world on his shoulders. My mum said, when he was a teenager, he got a job and gave her the money to help out. He’s a stand-up guy, Larry. So, Bob… gives the vicar the wrong name. Didn’t warn us. We’re all in church. Start of the funeral, we’re all there. Packed out. The coffin comes down. Guided by the vicar. The vicar goes to his pulpit. All confident, with his little notes, right? And he goes… Eva leaves behind four loving children. Ricky. Robert. Marsha. And Barry. And… we snort like that, right? Bob’s going… Everyone realizes. We’re all laughing. We see Larry go… All right. And the church is like… Every time we thought of it, we’d see Larry go… Like that, right? Then we’d just start giggling, just fits of fucking giggles, right? Larry eventually started doing this. And the vicar’s thinking, “What have I said?” Right? He’d put in a few things the vicar didn’t know that set us off again. Things that were just lies, or slightly wrong. My nieces and nephews started crying. I’d come prepared with a pack of tissues. They’d take one and hand it on. Before the funeral, I’d taken the tissues out, written on them, folded them back and put them in. And each tissue said, “Snivelling fucking bitch.” And they’re sort of laughing. So it was like a madhouse, right? Everything the vicar said or did, we all started fucking laughing! Right? And you could see the vicar was visibly shook a little bit. He ended the funeral, and he made a beeline for me and Bob. He said, “Sorry, was that okay?” Me and Bob went, “Fucking brilliant, mate. It was fucking brilliant.” That’s what I mean. We’re all gonna die, so we should have a laugh. If you can laugh in the face of adversity, you’re bullet-proof. Me and my brother, Bob, had one simple rule, and that was if you think of something funny, you’ve got to say it. Win, lose or draw. It might go well… it might go badly. But you’ve gotta say it. And bear that in mind, as I leave you with this. Right… So… we’re all in the car one day. Bob’s driving. Packed in this car. A little day trip to the beach. We get stopped for a security check. And there’s a British bobby there. And he stops the car. Bob’s at the window. He said, “Where are we off to?” Bob went, “Bognor.” He went, “Can you just pop the boot, please?” So he looks at that. Looks in the boot, like that. Back to Bob’s window. Gets that mirror on a stick thing. And he starts just looking under the car. And as he does that, his helmet falls off, right? And out of the helmet falls a packet of 20 cigarettes. And the copper went, “Bet you always wondered what we kept under our helmets.” And Bob went, “I knew it wasn’t fucking brains.” You’ve been amazing. Good night!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Marlon Wayans: Woke-Ish (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marlon-wayans-wokeish-transcript/

How the fuck we doing, DC? We good? That music gets you hyped, man. I see why there’s so many shootouts in hip-hop clubs. It’s the music, man. Make you feel like you punched your best friend in the face. “I’m hyped! I’ll punch a n*gga in the face with a right!” “Damn. My bad, Larry. Shit. You did the same shit to me with that Lil Uzi song last week. No. You shot me right there.” I, like, still party. You know? Yeah, I’m 45. I’m a…yeah. You know that black don’t crack unless you smoke it. No, but I still party. I’m like an old-young n*gga. Like… You know what I mean? Like… I’m not like the n*gga that wears the Fubu and the… and the Lugz and the big puffy jacket, with the receding hairline and the Yankee cap. I ain’t him. I’m the skinny jeans, new 2.0, young-old n*gga. No. And then girls, when they dance, they come real low and I’m like, “Hey, I’m young in the face and old in the knees. You…” They be going down here, like, “Hey…” I’m like, “Baby, I can’t follow you down there. When I get to L-position, my black ass come right back up.” No. ‘Cause I don’t wanna be that n*gga that go down, try and chase it, like, “Hey…” And your old ass gets stuck down there, and she got to help you up. And you hear your knees pop on the way up, “Pop, pop, pop, pop!” It’s so loud, n*ggas think they shooting, “Pop, pop, pop!” “Oh, shit! They shooting!” “Naw, they ain’t shooting. That’s just my knees, man.” I can’t commit physically to a song until I know what the fucking words are. I’m sorry, these… Lyrics to these songs be crazy. They be like, “I’m sucking dick in the closet…” “Naw, I’m good on that. Nah. I’mma sit this one out. I’m waiting for some Usher to come on, something safe. I’m saying, you know the good part of the song’s coming on… You know, it’s funny, like, you could tell when the good part come on ’cause, brothers, we be like, “Oh! This my shit, right here!” It’s funny ’cause black women start stretching on your ass… It be like, “Aw, this my song right here! I’m about to twerk the shit out… No. I’mma twerk the shit out this, girl. I dislocated my clitoris, popping my pussy to this.” “Girl, I broke my hymen twice on this part. Right here.” Some of these rappers, they spend their money on frivolous shit. You know what they need? They need, like, some financial advisors. They need to sit down with a n*gga that’s Charles Schwab or Merrill Lynch, you know, before they write they rhymes. ♪ I got nine cars…♪ “Wait, n*gga. Those are depreciating assets. You wanna put that money on a nice condominium for yourself.” ♪ I’m poppin’ bottles with models ♪ “Hold on, now. Those bottles are $700 in the club. You could take your ass right down to Costco…” “You get the same bottle for 29.99. And if you get the red tag special, you’ll get it for 24.99. And don’t pop bottles with models. No. They do cocaine and they can fucking drink all night. Go get you a nice, regular bitch that got to work in the morning.” ♪ I got a mouth full of gold teeth ♪ “Well, brother, now you on to something. ‘Cause gold stocks is making a comeback, ever since Brexit.” Look, you hear the spatter of Republican laughter. Only the people with money could laugh at that last joke. People with money was like… “This guy’s a hoot!” You know, but I realize that I’m old school, man. I like old-school hip-hop. I like, like, “Rapper’s Delight.” ‘Cause “Rapper’s Delight” was such a fun song, you know? It was fun. The lyrics was easy to remember. It’s like Dr. Seuss wrote that motherfucker. It was happy. It was, like, hip-hop even white people could enjoy. ‘Cause the lyrics were so basic. ♪ I said a hip hop, hippie to the hippie The hip, hip a hop, and you don’t stop ♪ ♪ A-rock it to the bang bang Boogie, the up, yo, the boogie♪ ♪ To the rhythm of the boogie the beat♪ Look how happy white people are right now. These two white boys is in their seat, like, “Wow!” ♪ Hip woppy, to the beat♪ ♪ And me, the crew, and my friend We’re gonna try and move our feet♪ ♪ See, I am♪ ‘Cause the lyrics were so simple to remember. ♪ Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn♪ ♪ You say what♪ ♪ If your girl starts actin’ up, then you take her friend♪ Yeah! “Fuck yeah! Why reward bad behavior?” I ain’t trying to be a hater. You know, I like some of today’s artists. Like, I love Jay-Z. I love…I love Jay-Z. You know, what I love about Jay-Z is that… he’s an artist that matures and his music matures with him. You know, like, right now his new album, 4:44. He’s talking about grown man shit. Stuff that’s relevant to grown-ass men. You know what I’m saying? Like, he’s talking about, like, marriage, and children, and family legacy and wealth, and cheating on your wife. And getting caught. And getting your ass beat in the elevator by her crazy little sister. You know, shit that happens to grown folks. That shit happened to me twice last year. But see, some of these rappers be rhyming like they 25 years old. I’m like, hold on a second. N*gga, you 50! I want some age-appropriate rhymes from you. You better give me some middle age crisis rhymes, n*gga. ♪ These young rappers think I’m a sweetie, nah, sugar high, diabetes♪ ♪ These rappers wanna fight me, go ahead, call your boys♪ ♪ You can’t kick my ass, They’re full of hemorrhoids♪ ♪ Oh, you wanna fight this? I stay knuckled up♪ ♪ Thanks to my arthritis ♪ I like some of today’s music, you know? I like some of today’s artists. Like, I like Future. You guys like Future? White people look confused. “It’s a rapper. You know… Well, the future… Sure, I love the future. I’m looking forward to the future. I’m so sorry about the past. You know… The whole slavery thing. I’m sorry.” Future is a rapper, okay? And I like Future, but see… I listen to the lyrics and I think that Future… this brother need rehab. All his songs, he’s mixing some kind of weird drug combination. His new song, Mask Off… He’s mixing Molly with Percocet. N*gga, that’s a bad drug combination. You trying to kill motherfuckers or what? You OD in the car, listening to this n*gga’s album. What is the drug culture going in hip-hop? It’s one thing when Dr. Dre did The Chronic. You know, shit. We all smoke a little weed. Shit. Yeah, right? Yeah, some of us sell it. Right, n*gga? But Molly and Percocet? And that’s a hit song. What’s the next hit song from a bad drug combination? ♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪ ♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪ ♪ We gonna chop it up♪ ♪ We put it in a cup♪ ♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪ ♪ Don’t be crazy♪ ♪ Give it to your baby♪ ♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪ But at least I understand the words that’s coming out of Future’s mouth. Right? I understand the lyrics. I understand what he’s saying. Now… Can somebody please, be kind enough to tell me… What in the entire fuck… is Desiigner saying in the song “Panda”? Who the fuck gave Buckwheat a record deal? Like, I understand the first lyrics, right? ♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪ And then this n*gga lose me. ♪ Legacy panda♪ ♪ Black car look like a panda♪ Okay, n*gga. So, how high were you when you wrote this fucking song? Like, how did this happen? Was ya in your house? You had a party, there was girls over. You know, you were smoking weed, got paranoid and shit, and started hallucinating. You came out your house, you was, like, ♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪ ♪ White Legacy panda♪ ♪ The black car♪ ♪ It look like a panda♪ You don’t understand. N*gga, when I first… When I first heard this song, right? My son walks by me… The boy’s not even saying lyrics. I don’t know what the fuck… He walk by, he just making noises. Just strange sounds. He walk by me going… I pulled his mommy to the side. We called the doctor. I thought this little n*gga had Tourette’s syndrome. Throughout the entire song, Desiigner is screaming… That shit sound painful. That sound like the inaudible sound that you make when you go to take a piss in the middle of the night, in a dark room, and you bust your toe… on a piece of furniture that ain’t got no fucking business being in the bedroom, but your girl thought it was cute. You know what I’m saying? So, you go to take a piss and you be like, “Aw, shit…” And your girl wake up, knowing it’s her fault. She put the shit there, like, “You okay?” No, bitch, I ain’t okay. What the fuck you got a goddamn treasure chest in the damn bedroom for? The fuck are you, a pirate? When do you make that noise? That’s the sound I’d make… if somebody was to wax… this part of my asshole. You know that weird meat between your ass and your balls, fellas? It’s a weird little area because there look like there should be a vagina there, but God was like, “Come on, you can’t have a pussy and a dick. Sew that shit up, Jesus.” “Okay, Dad.” And it got them weird, scraggly hairs on it. The hair don’t grow right there. It’s all scraggly and sparse. But it lay down. It look like LeBron James‘ hairline right here. But if your hair’s real nappy and shit, it look like Kevin Durant’s. But it’s a weird little area, this little place, right? Because it’s real sensitive, right? It’s the part on your body where your girl lick, fellas, right? And it feels really good. It make you make all kind of little weird, tickly noises, like… It feels so good, you’ll be making noises like a white girl in a lesbian porno. You’ll be like, “Oh, my fucking God! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Lick my fucking gooch! Lick my fucking gooch!” But you know when she lick it, you feel a little bit gay when she do it? You be conflicted, like, “Oh, my God, suck my ass! Here, suck my dick! Make me straight again! Go back down! Lick my gooch! Lick the taint! Come back up! Make me straight again! Okay, listen. Don’t tell nobody, okay? You promise you ain’t going to tell nobody? Nah, nah, ’cause when you get mad, you be saying all my fucking business. You promise you ain’t going to tell nobody? All right. I’m going to trust you. Here. Go on, get all that gooch. Oh, my fucking God! Get my fucking gooch! Fuck yeah! Hold on, get the dick, too. We call that the Doberman pinscher tail.” Well, if somebody was to wax that part of my asshole, I’d make that noise. Thank y’all for coming out, man. I chose DC to film my first special. ‘Cause the first place I came to perform… I went to Howard University. That’s right. HU! Yeah, I didn’t graduate. I know all that shit. I just… I only went for three semesters, but… Then In Living Color came on. I was, like, “Bye, n*ggas, I’m gonna get rich! Fuck your school, n*gga! Fuck your school! Fuck your positivity, n*ggas! It’s great to hear y’all laughter, man, because this world is going through shit, and laughter is healing and I think we all need to do more of it. Man, you look at the world, we got hurricanes, we got earthquakes, fires, floods. It’s fucking armageddon. And you know who I blame? I blame the Kardashians. See… They are ruining this world, one Negro at a time. I don’t know what is in the vagina of a Kardashian, but I think they got Zika in there for n*ggas. It’s like, as soon as you put your dick in a Kardashian, their vagina sucks… all the talent… out your dick. Just… It leaves you weak. Everyone that bang ’em. They need to do the movie Get Out… about the goddamn Kardashian family. I’ll make that my next movie. Haunted House 3, right? You know, I’m dating one of ’em. It’s like Khloe, Kim, or Kletus… You know, all them n*ggas start with a K. And I walk up and see Kanye West and go, “Hey, Kanye! Hey, man, let’s take a picture!” We take a picture. The flash goes off… That n*gga’s nose start bleeding. He snaps out of a trance, he grabs my hand, he goes, “Get out! Get out! Get out!” They drag him away, right? And I get scared, so I run outside. And I see Lamar Odom. He’s all cracked out, doing this shit here. I look upstairs, like… I see Caitlyn Jenner. Looking in the mirror. The motherfucker’s wig fall off. He got a scar going across his forehead. You know what that scar is? From all them damn face surgeries. But here’s the thing. I know I’m talking shit about the Kardashian family, but I want to say this and say it out loud. I respect them and I applaud them for embracing Bruce for being Caitlyn. ‘Cause, you know, that shit is hard, man. That shit is hard on your family ’cause love and unconditional acceptance is a motherfucker. And I don’t know if we all got that property in us. That’s hard. I call myself woke, but not all the way. I’m up, n*gga, but I’m not…I’m woke-ish! ‘Cause I still see the world and go, “All right, I accept it, but here’s what’s funny about that motherfucker.” I think it’s beautiful that they accept him and I know it’s hard on the family. I could tell at the ESPYs. When Caitlin was giving a speech and she wanted to thank the family? She was like, “I just want to thank my children…” She always moving her mouth around, look like a black man that… You know how black people taste the food before the shit is ready and it’s hot? And you trying to cool it off and chew it at the same time. “I just want to thank my children… for loving me as the beautiful butterfly I was born to be…” And the camera pan to the kids. And they was like, “What in the fuck?” N*gga, Kim Kardashian started slowly sinking in her seat, like, “N*gga, that ain’t my daddy. My daddy dead. That’s just some strange n*gga my mama was banging for his Wheaties’ money. Speaking of banging strange n*ggas, come on, Kanye, let’s get up outa here.” “Aw, Khloe, you ain’t got to worry with your big, ol’ ass. We all know OJ is your real daddy, so…” Aw, n*gga, tell me she don’t look like the Juice! Put a black glove on Khloe, I bet you that shit won’t fit. Here’s how I know she’s OJ’s, okay? I seen her at the airport. She’s trying to rent a Hertz Rent-a-Car. And the bitch was jumping over luggage. And if Bruce wanna be Caitlyn, I’m fine with that, but, see, we live in America, and we still have the fucking freedom of speech. I have the right to have an opinion, the right to have a thought because I live in America and the First Amendment says we have freedom of speech. It’s the most important Amendment. That’s right.You know why? Yes. ‘Cause I went to public school and they didn’t teach the fucking rest. So, if Bruce want to be Caitlin… You want to cut your dick off… Hey, man, more pussy for me. But I’m still entitled to have my opinion, right, bro? So, please, please, please… Please, motherfucking please… just stop trying to tell me that this motherfucker is beautiful. I’m sorry! I’m sorry, okay? Look, Bruce Jenner was a good-looking white man. Right? But as a white woman? Shit… I ain’t seen a white chick that ugly since me and Shawn in the fucking movie. “You were thinking it!” “You said it!” Such a crazy time, man. Such a crazy time in this world. Fucking racism is coming back like cocaine and skinny jeans. Look at this shit here. It’s crazy, but you know what? I don’t think it’s coming back everywhere. I’m not going to let it come back with me and my friends. And I know a good number of people in here ain’t going to let it come back with them and their friends. We came too fucking far to allow racism to break us up now. So, we’re having real conversations about real issues, right? For example, my white friends want to say the n-word. Yeah. And I’m like… “N*gga, no.” And they’re confused, or perplexed as they call it. “Why can’t I say it? You say it.” I’m like, “Yeah. Well, I’m a n*gga. I can do that type of shit.” “Well, it’s in all the rap songs.” “Yeah, guess what? Them n*ggas, too. They can say that type of shit.” “Well, but why can’t I say it?” I said, “Look, n*gga…” I said, “N*gger” was a word that was used to hurt black people’s feelings, to demean us and make us feel less than everybody. But see, brothers, we took that word and we transposed it. We remixed it. And we took our pain and we turned that shit into positivity. And we took the word “n*gger” and turned it into a term of endearment. It went from, “N*gger,” to, “N*gga!” And that’s a beautiful thing that black people in our culture do. It’s a powerful thing that we do. We did the same thing with chains. Chains. They was meant to enslave us, keep us captured. Keep us as slaves. But now that shit is status quo. What’s the first thing black people do when we get some fucking money? Buy some motherfucking chains. Brothers be like, “Look at all these chains on my neck! I’m getting my feet shackles bling next week.” Look at what black folks did with a pig. A pig. A filthy, dirty animal, they gave us during slavery to eat. Like, “You wanna eat some meat? Well, eat this, n*ggers!” And black people was like, “Well, okay.” And look at what…We tore a pig up. We ate every fucking part of the pig. If black people could eat a pig’s soul, we’d deep fry that shit. To this day, when a pig see a black person, that motherfucker run off scared, like… “N*gga, hide me. No. The black folks is coming. No. Hide me. Please, let the white folks get me ’cause all they make is bacon. These motherfuckers, they eat every fucking part of me. Look at my feet. They took my fucking feet. They chopped them off. And they put ’em in these fucking see-through jars. And they eat the shit cold. And they hands get sticky and start looking like pig feet. Look at what… Look at what they did with my intestines. They took my fucking intestines out! And they clean the shit out. All…The whole family. The momma, the kids, the uncle, they clean the shit out with vinegar. They boiled it, put some Larry’s on it, and called the shit, chitlins. It stunk up the whole house and they still ate it. The n*ggas ate my ass! Literally! Look at…Man, look at my neck. Look at my motherfucking neck. Why’s it like this? ‘Cause the n*gga took my neck bone, boiled it and put it in some fucking collard greens!” That’s beauty of black people, the beauty of our culture, that’s how we do. We take our pain and we turn it into positivity. But you know…And my white friend, you know, he was like, “Well, what can I do to say it?” I was like, “Motherfucker…” White people so damn persistent. I see why y’all is successful. You negotiate everything. “Oh, well I hear your angle, but what if… I know you have a wall up, but if I dig a tunnel up under here… How do I get to the n-word?” I’m like, “Look, man, I wish there was a protocol that I could give you, okay? I wish there was an application you could fill out, and you could send it in to n*gga immigrations.” You go to n*ggagations and get your fucking n*gga pass. You know what I mean? And there’s an angry brother sitting at the desk. He got to interview you. He’s sitting there like… “Yeah, what you want?” “I’m here to get my n*gga…” “You’re here to get what, motherfucker?” “I’m here to get my n-word pass.” “All right. That’s better. All right, well…who sent you?” “Laq’kieché.” “Spell it.” “L…A…Q…apostrophe… K…I…E… C…H… E…Accent over the E…” “And?” “And the Q is silent.” “My n*gga! That was… That was a hard one, man. Hey, I want to thank you. Now I know how to spell my wife and my daughter’s name. Thank you, brother. Hey, don’t forget your n*gga pass. Here you go. All right, next. All right. On The Cosby Show when Denise made Theo that designer knock-off shirt… What was the name of the real designer that she knocked off? Goldie Gotrell! My n*gga! Thumb imprint, n*gga. Get your n*gga pass. All right. Next! Let’s see here… All right, let’s see your application. All right. Okay. Okay. Your hobbies are eating, drinking, smoking, and all types of ill shit. All right. All right… What’s your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?” “It’s fruit punch. I love fruit punch.” “I don’t know… Personally, I like grape. You know? ‘Cause… It does something funny to a black person’s mouth ’cause the sweet and the tangy makes your mouth do this here… Okay… When making Kool-Aid… What… is your sugar… to water… ratio?” “Well, that be three parts sugar, one part water.” “Motherfucker, what you making, milk? Denied! Get the fuck up out of here! What kind of sour pucker shit you making? Let me tell you something. It’s 18 parts sugar… dash of water. If you sip it and don’t get instant diabetes, well, motherfucker, that ain’t Kool-Aid. You made Gatorade. And, hey, hey. For your information… every n*gga know the flavor ain’t fruit punch. The flavor is…” Red! Red! So, finally I caved in and I gave him a n*gga pass. I gave him a n*gga pass ’cause I knew him my whole life, and I knew if we had beef with other brothers, he was going to have my back. And I love him like a brother, so, I was like, “Listen, you keep this shit between me and you.” See, because a n*gga pass is regional. You do not get a universal n*gga pass. You gotta get your n*gga passport stamped. Every fucking new black person you meet, they gotta stamp it with approval. Because here’s the thing. There’s only one white boy that got a universal n*gga pass. And that is Eminem. You know why? ‘Cause Dr. Dre endorsed him. His baby mama drama is real… and that freestyle he did about Donald Trump was amazing. So, what I’m saying is, you can say “n*gga” around yo n*ggas, but if you think you gonna go around some new n*ggas… and say “n*gga”? “N*gga!” Now’s the time you don’t want to be a n*gga. It’s a tough time, man, being black in America. Cops are shooting n*ggas like they playing a game of Pokemon GO up in this motherfucker. I’m like, “Wait, are y’all getting points for that shit?” But see, for black folks, man, it’s scary being black. When the cops are in back of me… Something happens to you when you are a black person. You immediately…When the cops… The lights don’t gotta be on, they just in back of you. You immediately freeze. And you start looking in the rearview mirror, hoping they don’t see you seeing them in the rearview mirror. And then you change the position of how you seat. ‘Cause, you know, black folks, we drive back here. Them cops come in back of you, you sit up real white up in that motherfucker. If, for a split second, you be in your car, like, “Wait, did I steal this shit?” Something has to change. And I think they need a new check and balance system. You can’t partner a potentially racist cop with another potentially racist cop. No. We need check and balance. So, for every potentially racist cop, we’ll partner him with a strong, black, female officer. Yes, because sisters are firm, but they are fair. And they ain’t gonna let no injustice happen. That white cop get out of hand? Oh, sister going to check his ass. And she going to check the crook, too, if he get out of hand. You know? White cop like, “Get the fuck out the car! Get the fuck out the car!” “Hold the fuck up! You ain’t got to talk to him that way. You ain’t got to talk to him that way. He is a human bein’.” “I think you meant ‘being.'” “Motherfucker, I said, ‘being.’ The G is silent. So goddamn sick. Come on, baby, get your ass up out the car. You see, he turned all red in the face, that means he’s upset. Come on, get up out the car.” “Put your fucking hands up! Put your fucking hands where I can see ’em!” “See, hold up. I ‘pecifically told you… I ‘pecifically told you, don’t speak to that boy like that.” “I think you meant ‘specifically.'” “Motherfucker, I said… ‘Pecifically. The S is silent. Now come on, baby, get your ass up out the car. Put your hands in the air, but don’t wave ’em like you just don’t care.” “Oh, my God, look at…He has a gun. Look at that thing in his pants! I think he has a fucking gun! It’s a 12 gauge! It’s huge!” “Motherfucker, don’t shoot! That’s not a gun. It’s his dick, motherfucker. Yeah, move. I got this. Baby, what’s your fucking problem? You know why we pulled your ass over? Look at you. You got fucking saggy jeans. You got tattoos on your face, gold teeth in your mouth. Where the fuck do you think you going? You ain’t going to work, motherfucker. That’s for goddamn sure. And what’s that weed smell? Gimme that shit! Oh, that’s that raspberry yum-yum. We going to have to keep this. Confiscate this for evidence. Okay, everything’s good here.” “No. I want to ask him some…” “Motherfucker, don’t axe him shit. I’ll axe the questions.” “Oh, my God, Lacricia, it’s not ‘axe,’ it’s ‘ask.'” “Motherfucker, I said axe. The S is silent. Now get your ass up in the car. And my name ain’t Lacricia, it’s Laq’kieché. The Q is silent. Now, come on. Let’s go get some breakfax.” It’s just a crazy time, man. Now, you see, I’m passionate about this shit, ’cause I’m a father. I have two beautiful, teenage kids. Beautiful, black children. You see, I get concerned when they leave my house that… they may not come home because of the shit that’s popping off, and I just can’t have that. I just can’t. And see, I don’t care if you’re black, I don’t care if you’re white, I don’t care if you’re Middle Eastern. I don’t care if you’re Asian, I don’t care if you’re a little person, ’cause little people got babies, too. They just real little. No parent should be strapped with the anxiety of, “Is my child going to be safe?” But see, they tell us as… They tell us, as black folks that we need to have “the talk” with our children. You hear about this? “The talk.” It’s when you sit your children down and you explain to them how to respond respectfully when law enforcement pulls them over. And see, I’m down for that. And I think that’s the responsible thing to do as a parent. You sit your children down, you tell them to be respectful to our law enforcement. So, see, I tried to have “the talk” with my kids… And you know… halfway through the talk I sound like an old, scared slave that didn’t know he had his freedom. I was talking to my kids, I was like, “Baby, if the cops pull you over, you hush your mouth, and now don’t you sass me, boy! Don’t you sass me now, boy! The cops pull you over, I want you to hold your head down in humility. And you just rock back and forth, he goes, ‘You know why I pulled you over?’ I want you to smile! Show all 36 of your teeth. He goes, ‘You know why I pulled you over?’ Go, ‘No, suh, but I sure do trust ya!’ And he goes, ‘You wise-mouthing me?’ Go, ‘No, suh, I’d never do such a thing, Mr. Bossman.’ Yeah, so you use all kinda surnames. See, the white ego love that. ‘No, suh, Mr. Bossman, master-man, suh, I’d never do such a thing.’ Then he goes, ‘You want me to read you your rights?’ You best to stay humble. You say, ‘Yes, suh, please do. Well, you know I can’t read.'” I get upset. You know why I get upset? Because I get jealous. I get jealous because I got white friends and I’ve been pulled over with my white friends and what I’ve found is that white people are not afraid of the police. Black people are. ‘Cause when we got pulled over, my white friend cursed the fucking police out. He cursed the police out so bad, I thought he pulled the cop over. I swear to God, he was going to write the cop a ticket. I was hiding in the glovebox, like, “N*gga, he gonna get shot sooner or later.” Because here’s the talk that white people have with their kids. “If the cops pull you over, I want you to say, ‘Hey, bucko! You better have a goddamn, good reason why.’ Yeah, if he starts to mouth off to you, say, ‘Hey, hey! Hey, buddy. You watch your freaking mouth. You watch your freaking mouth. I pay my taxes. Yeah, so that means you work for me.’ Yeah, if he keeps it up and he reaches for his pepper spray, you’re like, ‘I fucking dare ya. I fucking dare ya. I double dog dare ya. Go ahead. Spray me right in my blue eye and make it red. Yeah, ’cause I’ll have my lawyer so far up your asshole, you’ll need a goddamn gerbil to get him out.’ Then, he says one more smart thing, one more smart thing, I want you to grab his pen and go, ‘That’s it! I’m going to write a letter. ‘Dear Mr. President Trump…'” Fucking Trump. What an interesting year it has been, huh, people? “Dear white folks and Trump supporters, please fasten your seat belt, it’s going to get a little turbulent in here for about 5 minutes. So, strap it in and enjoy the ride. We’ll be out of here in no time.” Okay, Trump. This is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. I…It’s… Maybe it’s his reality show background. But… he’s turned the White House into a reality show. I swear, I find myself watching politics the way women watch reality shows. I’m like, “Girl, did you see what happened today?” “No, what?” “Girl, sit down. Your boy Trump is tripping again.” “What happened?” “Well, first of all, he fired Sean Spicer.” “He fired Sean Spicer? Why?” “I don’t know. But he hired this cockeyed bitch, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Let me tell you something, that cockeyed bitch don’t be answering nobody questions. Ooh, that cockeyed heifer got attitude. She be like, ‘What the fuck do you want? Hurry the fuck up. I got an eye doctor appointment. I ain’t got time for this shit. You want a straight answer? Give me a straight eye, motherfucker.’ Girl, do you know the plot is thickening? You see what’s happening over in Russia?” “I know.” “Girl, you know what that is? I think Putin got pictures of Trump doing some sexy shit with some Russian prostitutes.” “Girl, why do you say that?” “Girl, watch the First Lady. Every time Trump try to grab Melania hand, what does she be doing? She be like, ‘Get the fuck up… Get the fuck up off me! Get the fuck up off me! You pussy-grabby motherfucker, get the fuck up off me! Go sleep your ass in the Oval Office. You ain’t getting no First Lady Koochie tonight.’ “Girl, do you know he fired Comey?” “The FBI director? Why?” “I don’t know. But they said some shit about collusion. Now, see, I don’t know what the fuck that mean… but it sounds shady as fuck to me.” This is a historical time in the history of our country, a historical time. ‘Cause this is the first time I ever seen white people… embarrassed by another white person. This shit is crazy! ‘Cause the beauty of white people is white people love white people. And they support each other, no matter how talented or untalented they are, they have each other’s back. How the fuck you think Vanilla Ice went multi-platinum? But with Trump, every time he says some stupid shit, some embarrassing shit, I see white people put their head in their hand embarrassed, like, “Jesus Christ… This n*gga! Gosh! God, I wish I was black today. I’ll take the police beatings. I’ll take the debt. I’ll take the half hour late for everything. I’ll even take the ashy shit that formulates right here. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but when it gets 55 degrees and lower, they all get real ashy right here. It looks like Spider-Man hit ’em with a little web, like… Just somebody shut him the fuck up.” Every race has somebody that we’re embarrassed by, okay? Every race. That’s what makes us all the same. Every race got somebody that we are embarrassed by. So, yes, Donald Trump is embarrassing to white people, okay? So, Donald Trump… is the Flavor Flav… of white people. But I look at all that’s going on today, and you know what I say? I say, “I am happy for Barack.” I am so happy for Barack, man. That he’s so… I’m so happy he’s out of office. He look happy. He looks so happy. Because the presidency is stressful. Remember when he first came into office? He looked all young. Looked good in a suit, right? Had that black hair, golden brown skin. He looked like Denzel Washington. 8 years of fighting with Republicans, he got all old and gray. Fucking moles on his face. By the end, that n*gga looked like Morgan Freeman. By the end, Barack looked like he was, so tired of taking the Republican shit. Right? He was like, “Fuck this bipartisan shit.” He looked like he just wanted to curse motherfuckers out. His last speech, he looked like he just wanted to go, “Fuck you. Suck my dick. Lick ass, America. Barack is out, bitch! You can take your flag and shove it up your goddamn ass. That’s right. I set up my retirement. I’m moving to Seattle, where I legalized weed. And guess what? I’m going to smoke my lips black again. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m dropping an album with Jay-Z and Beyonce. It’s called Head N*ggas in Charge. I got my own clothing line, Barackawear. You can get it at Macy’s, right next to Sean John and Rocawear. Be sure to pick up my new cologne, Potus Number 44. Not to be confused with Number 45. That shit stinks. I just signed a lucrative deal with Ciroc Liquor and Sean Diddy Combs. That’s right, I’m a Ciroc boy. So, come drink Ciroc with your boy Barack.” You know, I was sitting there watching Barack. Man, that shit is stressful, man. That shit was stressful. I mean, they fucking heckled him. They heckled the president. You ain’t got to like him, but shit, you should respect him, he’s the president. And the man was giving a speech about healthcare, which is important to him. Because he knew, once his black ass was out of office, he probably wasn’t gonna have none. And he was giving an impassioned speech, “We need healthcare for every American, and we should be fastidious with that healthcare.” And a Republican screamed out, “You lie!” In the middle of his speech. See, now, I know Barack Obama’s our first black president, right? But if that was me… and the motherfucker screamed out in the middle of my speech. See, that’s when the world’s going to see the first n*gga president. I’d lose my fucking mind. I’d be like, “We need healthcare for every American and we should be fastidious with that…” “You lie!” “Who the fuck said that shit? Who the fuck said that shit? Hey, yo, Biden! N*gga, Biden, we got beef! Hillary, get the fuck off me. Hillary, get the fuck up off of me! Nah, I ain’t Bill. I don’t play that shit. Yo, Michelle. Handle that bitch. I’m from Hawaii, motherfucker! What? I got nukes motherfucker! Do we have a problem? I said… Do…we…have…a…problem? See, I want to take this time to explain to white people… what Barack Obama meant to black people. See, we didn’t like Barack because he was black. Okay, maybe we did, but that’s not the point. It was part of it, okay, but… We liked Barack because he was good and he represented something for us. He symbolized something for black people. See, Barack Obama winning the presidency, symbolized… for black people… the first time in the history of us being in this country… that we felt like we won. After all we’ve been through. Segregation, civil rights, slavery. And Barack Obama winning the presidency, was the first time we, as black people, felt like we won. See, that and the OJ trial. But see, we… we… we knew that n*gga did it! Oh, we knew that n*gga did it! Oh, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! He killed them poor white people. I’m so fucking sorry! He ain’t shit! He ain’t shit. That motherfucker! He killed them poor white… He killed that little boy, too! He killed his ass! All that little boy wanted was some pussy! That’s all. We just wanted to win. We just wanted to win. And when Barack won, I cried, my kids cried, my momma cried. Every black person cried because you know what? We felt like a bunch of slaves on a plantation that watched one brother get his freedom. We was like, “You better run, Barack! You better run!” ♪ Whoa, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪ I need some water. Before I overheat like Wendy Williams. It looked like God was fucking with her. Like, “All them people you talk shit about. I’m fucking with you now. Sit yo’ ass…” You know what’s crazy, man? Is, if I had one wish. I wish that we can erase hate. Because hate…hate… It’s killing us as people. How do you erase hate, man? Because hate creates racism. Hate creates fear. It creates prejudice. And now it’s going from racism and it’s transforming. And now we have gaycism. We have people hating on people because of their sexuality. Come on, people. How small-hearted are we? What the fuck is going on? I don’t think you judge a man for his race, his creed, his color, their religion, their political background, their financial status, their sexuality, the diameter of their asshole, who gives a fuck? Here’s my take on gay people. Let’s keep it real. Do you! Do you! Just don’t do me! You know what I think gay people need, that really want they equality? That really want they civil rights? I think they need a gay civil rights leader. Yeah. They need, like, a Martin Luther King… but a gay one. They need Martin Luther Queen. You know, Martin Luther Queen come out. He’s a dignified brother, right? He got on a suit and tie. But he got this shit turned up right here, like, “Hi… Hi…” He got his own personalized microphone. It got little balls on it. And he comes out and he does his version of the famous “I had a dream” speech, but the gay version. He’s like… “I… had a dream… girl. I had a dream… that one day, one day… black boys…Hey… Little white boys… I help you with the swirl. Hey… Little Hispanic boys… Or as I like to call you, papitos. Hey… Hey, papitos. I had a dream… that we could all sit at a table as a group of brethren. Just brethren. No fish allowed. Pew. Pew. I had a dream that we can have the same marital rights as straights do. Yes, that gays can get married. Hey… Gays can get divorced. Ya… And we can take half of somebody else’s shit that don’t deserve it. Hey… Yas… I had a dream… that we could fight side by side in the military… with our brothers in the foxholes… Way deep… in them little foxholes. We all nuzzled together inside those little foxholes… ‘Scuse me. This dream just got a little bit wet. I had a dream… I had a dream that we could change our small-minded military slogan from ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ but to,  ‘who cares, mind your fucking business.’ So, let us all join hands, you let us all join hands, and you let freedom ring. You let freedom ring through the chilly, gay streets of San Francisco. You let freedom ring through the dirty streets of New York City, filled with all them cute, little Hispanic boys. I see you, Jose and Juan, and I raise you a Julio. You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring through the segregated bathrooms of North Carolina. Who cares if you’re transgender or if you’re a female, as long as you don’t piss all over the toilet seats. And you wipe front to back. Or is it back to front? – Front to back? – Yeah. Front to back, yes. The other way is a little bit messy. You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring through the dark closets of Hollywood, California. Those dark closets, hiding all the scared, little boys who’s afraid to come out, afraid to be bullied, afraid to be judged, afraid not to be accepted… afraid to be touched by Kevin Spacey. Too soon? That’s what the little boy said. And you let us all join hands and let us all sing the old, gay anthem. Free that ass, free that ass, thank God all mighty, we done freed that ass.” See, this shit that I’m preaching, I’m not just preaching, I’m living. And I’m trying to grow and I’m trying to evolve. And I’m trying and that shit is hard for people to digest. Hard for any human being to digest. But when it comes home to your house, that’s when shit changes, man. See, me… I’mma tell y’all a real story, okay? Real story. My daughter came to me at 15 years old. She’s 17 now. Wonderful girl. She comes to me, she goes, “Dad… I kissed a girl… and I think I liked it.” And I said, “Oh, shit, bitch. That…What the…” No, ’cause that’s my little nickname for her. She little bitch. I’m a big bitch. I got the little t-shirts, “Big bitch, little bitch.” But you know, when she first hit me with the news, I was like, “That’s how you gonna break the news to me? You gonna tell me in the form of a song? ♪ I kissed a girl And I think I liked it? ♪ Is that the new shit kids are doing? “Hey, Dad, I’m fucking up at school.” “What happened?” ♪ I fucked up the commas I fucked up the commas, yeah ♪ So I said, you know, I said, “Okay, baby girl.” I said, “Well, you know, this is your first sexual experience. Right? Hey, n*gga, right?” She said, “Umm…yeah. It’s my first sexual… I said, “Man, that sounds shady as fuck to me.” I said, “Listen, baby girl.” I said, “You’re 15 years old. You are entitled to experience things and find your way. You know, you’re a young kid and, you know, who knows, when you go to college, you know, you may feel differently.” And she stopped me. She said, “Dad… but what if I’m gay?” And I said… “Well, baby girl,” I said… “If you are gay, and this is the life that you chose, or better yet, the life that chose you. Understand, you got a tough road ahead of you. See, the world… may judge you. Some people will… outcast you. Some people gonna look at you funny. Others will never accept you. You are a quadruple minority. You are a female, gay, black Wayans. That’s a tough, fucking life.” But I said, “That’s out there. They’re going to judge you. But, baby girl, when you walk into this home.” I said, “You’re gonna get nothing but love, respect, and unconditional embraces from me ’cause I love you.” But you got to try a dick, right? You got to… You got to try a dick, right? Just a, you know, one dick. Like, you know, just accidentally, like fall… Or just let a dick hit you in the head. Look, girl, you got to try the dick, you know? Like, not right now ’cause you’re only 15 years old, but when you get, like 17, 18…Prom night. Try a dick! And don’t try a 17-year-old dick ’cause that’s going to be quick and bad and you may be like, “Fuck him. Bitches for life.” Go get you a nice, seasoned dick. You know? Go get you a nice, 22-year-old grad school dick. You know what I mean? Somebody that had a couple of ill-advised pregnancies, so his pull out game is good. Keeps some Plan B in his pocket. You know? Probably had a couple of diseases already. You know, it was cleared up, but he’s still got the bottle of penicillin ’cause who ever finishes all the penicillin, right? But you got to try a dick, and don’t get no little, stabby dick that feel like a number two pencil you fucking. And don’t get no super, girthy dick that look like a goddamn Loch Ness Monster, that be breathing on its own. It’s so big, it feels like you’re giving labor pains. Every time you having sex with it, it feels like you need an episiotomy and an epidural in order to enjoy the shit. And don’t get no little, weird, uncircumcised dick. Don’t get no… One of them dick that look like an anteater or a Mr. Snuffleupagus. And when you pull the skin back, its all full of lint and cheese. And it smell funny. Like an old gym sock that’s been left in a locker room for two or three days. And when you taste it, it tastes bad, like a bad shot of tequila. You need some salt and a lime, in order to get the fucking, nasty-ass taste out your mouth. You got to try a dick. And I’mma tell you something, when my daughter… My daughter dated this girl, and she wound up getting a little heartbroken. And… it was hard because, you know, this was a little white girl, too, so she gave me a two for one, right? But when your child is crying on your shoulder about some real tears, about shit that’s going on in her life. It’s not on me to judge her, it’s on me to love her. So, I grabbed my baby, and I hugged her, and let her know it was going to be okay. And she was crying and snotting on my brand new Gucci shirt, I was mad about that, but I was like fuck it. I tried to console her the best way I knew how. You know, through the form of a song. I said, “Hey, baby girl, you know… ♪ Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks ♪ But my son, right? My son’s getting older, man. And he’s so handsome. You ever look at your kid, like, “N*gga, look at how beautiful you are. Look at my sperm. Look at how beautiful you are.” I look at him, I shook my head, I was like, “N*gga…you 15…” I looked at him, “Listen, man, you gonna get so much pussy when you get older.” And I looked over at my daughter, I said, “Don’t worry, baby girl, you, too.” I know he’s getting bigger, man, you know, ’cause he keep coming up to me, you know, and seeing how tall he is on me. He be measuring, like, “Hey, Dad, look. I’m almost your height.” I’ll be looking at him, like, “N*gga, I’ll fuck you up.” No, no, no. See, ’cause little boys, they wanna test they daddies. See, that’s the threshold for a boy into his manhood. It’s: can I whoop my daddy’s ass? That makes you a man. See, but I’m prepared for that shit. That’s why I never sent his ass to karate. But see, little boys are going to test they father. And as a dad, all you want to see is your child be great. That’s all you want, to see your child be their greatest them. And so my son, he was playing basketball, and he’s a great basketball player. Yeah, he’s so good. And he was playing not so good one game. And as a sports fan, I did what I normally do to a team that’s sucking. I heckled his ass. “Hey, n*gga, you suck!” I’m like, “Hey, hey. What you doing?” He goes, “Dad, listen, I can’t play great every night.” I said, “Motherfucker,” That’s my little nickname for him. He little motherfucker, I’m big motherfucker. I got t-shirts, “Big motherfucker, little motherfucker.” And, so my son… I said, “You can’t play great every night?” I said, “Boy, if I didn’t play great every night, you wouldn’t have food, and nutrition in your stomach to be able to run up and down this goddamn basketball court. If I didn’t play great every night, you wouldn’t have no goddamn, good sneakers on your feet that make this noise, so that you can play some damn defense, of which your ass ain’t playing.” He goes, “But, Dad, come on, this is basketball. It ain’t work.” I said, “Motherfucker, life is work.” I said, “I’ve been working since I was six years old, man. What do you think I’m doing out here on the road? I write, I produce, I act, I do movies, I do TV, I do standup.” I said, “If I was a slave, they’d give me a fucking raise. So, don’t give me that, ‘Dad, it’s not work.’ No, work starts now. You are a young man. Learn to work. And let me tell you something, boy. You got two jobs. You got two jobs. You got… school. And you got basketball. Well, let me tell you something, motherfucker, you fucking up in school. So, the least your stupid ass can do is go out there and play some goddamn basketball.” And my son got up all tough, like, “I said.” He looked at me, he walked away, balled his fists. I said, “What, Shawn?” I said, “What?” I said, “What, Shawn? You wanna curse at me? He said… I said, “You wanna curse at me? I’ll tell you what. You go out there and you score 40 points. You can come back here, you can look me in my face and go, ‘Hey, Dad, fuck you!’ I ain’t talking about no little, soft ‘fuck you.’ I want you to look me in my eyes, I want that Daffy Duck, ‘you’re despicable’ spit all over my face. I want your bottom lip to hit your chest when you go, ‘Hey, Dad, fuck you!’ He said, “A’ight.” I said, “Yeah, a’ight.” He said, “A’ight.” I said, “Yeah, n*gga, a’ight.” Do you know that in a matter of 14 minutes and 58 seconds, this boy went out there and scored 38 points? I have never seen no shit like this. He played so good, I was like, I want a DNA test. Steph Curry come get your fucking baby. He played amazing. And he gets fouled. He brought his team back from a 30 point deficit. He gets fouled. There’s two seconds left on the clock. He goes to the line. He has 38 points. 39. They’re down one. He looks at me. He closes his eyes, little, cocky motherfucker. The perfect precision. He misses the shot. Clock goes off. They lose by one. I am so happy. I’m not happy because he missed the shot. I was happy, man, because as a father, that I seen the greatness in my child. That I seen the great that I knew he could be since birth. That we’re raising kings and queens, and they’re better than us. They love harder, they live harder, they’re better than us. And you know something beautiful y’all? That my kids have never been called a n*gger in their life. Except for by me, but see I got a n*gga pass, I can do that type of shit. And so my son, I was so proud. I went over to him… And I just couldn’t hold back my excitement. I said, “See, now that’s how you ‘posed to shoot. I felt like Will Smith in Bad Boys. I was like, “That’s how you ‘posed to shoot! That’s how you ‘posed to shoot!” But I said, “Son, why didn’t you score 40?” He looked at me, said… “Because I didn’t want to say ‘fuck you’ to you, Dad.” I said, “You stupid motherfucker. You lost the goddamn game.” I love y’all! Thank y’all so much!

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RICKY GERVAIS: 2012 GOLDEN GLOBES OPENING MONOLOGUE

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Cheers. Oh – So where was I? Nervous? Don’t be. This isn’t about you. Hello, I’m Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. [Audience cheers] Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Tonight you get Britain’s biggest comedian, hosting the world’s second biggest awards show on America’s third biggest network. Sorry, is it? Fourth. It’s fourth. For any of you who don’t know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem. [Audience laughs] The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing’s been proved. But ah-ha who needs the Oscars? Not me. And not Eddie Murphy. He walked out on them, and good for him. But when the man who said yes to Norbit says no to you, you know you’re in trouble. I love Eddie Murphy. He loves dressing up, doesn’t he, umm. Versatile. He’s versatile. No, he is. Bit of trivia for you. Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler between them played all the parts in the movie ‘The Help’. Isn’t that brilliant. They were brilliant. I can’t believe they’re not here. Or maybe they are. They’re masters of disguise. They could be. Now the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they’ll definitely invite me back next year as well. [Audience laughs] They actually gave me a list of rules. I’m going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real, ok? No profanity. That’s fine. I’ve got a huge vocabulary. [Audience laughs] No nudity. See, that’s a shame. Because I’ve got a huge – vocabulary. But a tiny penis. No, no. It’s true – Doesn’t matter. It works. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. And – No Innuendo – And I’m not to libel anyone. And I must not mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster’s Beaver. [Audience laughs] I haven’t seen it myself. [Audience laughs] I spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven’t seen it either. But – That doesn’t mean it’s not any good. Sorry. I don’t care. It’s been an amazing year in show business. It’s not all been good news. What’s with all the divorces? What’s going on? I mean – Arnold and Maria, J-Lo and Mark Anthony, Ashton and Demi. Kim Kardashian and some guy no one will ever remember. He wasn’t around long. Seventy-two days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I’ve sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches. [Audience laughs] Other celebrity scandals: Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been. No, he’s not the father. The only way he could have impregnated the girl was if he borrow one of Martha Stewart’s old turkey basters. Open wide. Umm. It’s been a big year for women in film. Bridesmaids, one of my favorite comedies of the year. Ya! [Audience cheers] The girls finally proved that they can be as raunchy as men. Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I – I actually heard for research the cast spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren. She’s dreadful. Honestly, you don’t see a lot of it because she’s got good PR, but she’s off the rails. But the Golden Globes aren’t just about movies. It also celebrated the best in TV as well. New shows like the amazing Homeland. Which is just – It’s amazing – And returning shows like Boardwalk Empire. I love that show. It’s great. It’s for those who don’t know. – It’s about a load of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and they got involved in bribing and corruption and they worked their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press. I’m joking. I love them and they’re good sports for inviting me back. What I didn’t know is they do an awful lot for charity and their non-profit organization. Just like NBC. So Thank – Should we get on with it? This time last year, our first presenter was the biggest movie star on the planet. But – I insulted his film The Tourist, causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show, Life’s Too Short, which premieres on HBO on Feb. 19. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to, Johnny Depp. [Audience cheers] Now the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they’ll definitely invite me back next year as well.

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George Carlin: You Are All Diseased (1999) – Transcript

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You Are All Diseased is the 16th album and 11th HBO live broadcast stand-up special by comedian George Carlin, recorded on February 6, 1999 at the Beacon Theater in New York City How’s Everybody Doin’? Thank you… So let me ask you something. Let me ask you how’s everybody doing tonight huh? Good well f*ck you! Just trying to make you feel at home. Now listen… I’ve been out here all this time and I haven’t been complaining about anything yet so I think it’s time to go into the complaint department. This is just a series of things that are pissing me off. Okay? A series of things that are pissing me off cause I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds. Okay? And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out. Airport Security First thing on my list tonight… airport security. Tired of this shit. There’s too much of it; there’s too much security at the airport. I’m tired of some guy with a double digit IQ and a triple digit income rooting around inside of my bag for no reason and never finding anything! Haven’t found anything yet! Haven’t found one bomb in one bag! And don’t tell me “well, the terrorists know their bags are gonna be searched so now they’re leaving their bombs at home.” There are no bombs. The whole thing is f*cking pointless! And it’s completely without logic! There’s no logic at all! They’ll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife! Well what the f*ck is that? In fact, there’s a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take… a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, 6 knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they’re gonna say to you is “that bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.” And if you didn’t take the weapon on board, relax; after you’ve been flying for about an hour, they’re gonna bring you a knife and fork. They actually give you a f*cking knife! It’s only a table knife but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take you a couple of minutes you know… especially if he’s hefty huh? Yeah but you could get the job done, if you really wanted to kill the prick. Shit, there’s a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with; you could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times couldn’t you? Or suppose you just have really big hands. Couldn’t you strangle a flight attendant? Shit, you could probably strangle two of them; one with each hand… you know, if you are lucky enough to catch them in that little kitchen area… before they give out the f*cking peanuts you know? But you could get the job done… if you really cared enough. So why is it they allow a man with big powerful hands get onboard an airplane? I’ll tell you why. They know he’s not a security risk because he’s already answered the three big questions. Question number 1: “Did you pack your bags yourself?” … … No. Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world, and then they packed my bags. Next question! “Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?” No. Usually, the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours… just for good luck. Next question! “Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?” Hmm… well what exactly is an “unknown person”? Surely, everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Karim and Yusef Ali Bangaba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest. And that’s another thing they don’t like at the airport… jokes. You know? Yeah, you can’t joke about a bomb. But why is it just jokes? What about a riddle? How about a limerick? How about a bomb anecdote? You know… no punch line, just a really cute story. Or suppose you intended to remark, not as a joke, but as an ironic musing, are they prepared to make that distinction? Why I think not. And besides, who’s to say what’s funny? Airport security is a stupid idea, it’s a waste of money, and it’s only there for one reason, to make white people feel safe. That’s all. The illusion, the feeling and illusion of safety cause the authorities know they can’t make an airplane completely safe; too many people have access. You notice the drug smugglers don’t seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they? No and God bless them too! Oh and by the way, an airplane flight shouldn’t be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life. Take a f*cking chance once in a while will you? What are you gonna do? Play with your prick for another 30 years? What, are you gonna read People’s Magazine and eat at Wendy’s till the end of time? Take a f*cking chance! Besides, even if they made all of the airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded; porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. You know? Entertainment venues. The odds of you being killed by a terrorist are practically zero! So I say relax and enjoy the show. You have to be a realist; you have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people… certain groups – Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana – are gonna continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. That’s the reality; angry men in combat fatigues talking to God on a two-way radio and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually going to provide us with a great deal of entertainment, especially after your stupid f*cking economy collapses all around you and the terrorists come out of the woodwork and you’ll have anthrax in your water supply, and saran gas in your air conditioner, there’ll be chemical and biological suitcase bombs in every city and I say “enjoy it, relax, enjoy the show, take a f*cking chance, put a little fun in your life.” To me, terrorism is exciting, it’s exciting. I think the very idea that you could set off a bomb in a marketplace and kill several hundred people is exciting and stimulating and I see it as a form of entertainment! Entertainment… that’s all it is. Yeah… but I also know that most Americans are soft and frightened and unimaginative and they don’t realize there’s such a thing as dangerous fun. And they certainly don’t recognize a good show when they see one! I have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment and I’ve always been willing to put you at great personal risk for the same reason. As far as I’m concerned, all of this airport security, all the searches, the screenings, the cameras, the questions, it’s just one more way of reducing your liberty, and reminding you that they can f*ck with you anytime they want… as long as you put up with it… as long as you put up with it; which means of course anytime they want, cause that’s what Americans do now, they’re always willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling, the illusion of security. Fear of Germs What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs… there’s another thing… germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media, constantly running stories about all the latest infections – salmonella, e-coli, hanta virus, bird flu – and Americans, they panic easily so now everybody’s running around, scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! It’s true! Yeah! Well, they don’t want you to get an infection! And you could see their point; wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. Fear of germs… why these f*cking pussies! You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore! They cook the shit out of everything now cause everybody’s afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where’s your sense of adventure? Take a f*cking chance will you? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 9000… that’s all; it’s a minor risk! Take a f*cking chance… bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice… it needs germs to practice on. So listen! If you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do… you’re gonna get sick, you’re gonna die, and you’re gonna deserve it cause you’re f*cking weak and you got a f*cking weak immune system! Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay? When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know… to cool off! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? In my neighbourhood, no one ever got polio! No one! Ever! You know why? Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit! So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people that sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it! Yes I do. Even if I’m at a sidewalk café! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year’s morning during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behaviour, I never get infections, I don’t get them, I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach, you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes, and we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don’t f*ck around! They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherf*cker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warning, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” shit, first defense, BAM… into the colon you go! And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don’t automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That’s the only time. And you know how often that happens? Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean? And I’ll tell you something else my well-scrubbed friends… you don’t need to always need to shower every day, did you know that? It’s overkill, unless you work out or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don’t always need to shower. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas; armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. Got that? Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas! Cigars Now listen… I got a few more items of things that are pissing me off, and this one comes in the form of a question. Haven’t we had about enough of this cigar-smoking shit in this country? Huh? Huh? When is this gonna end? When is this shit gonna go away? When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid, overfed, overprivileged, overindulged, white-collared, business-criminal, asshole cocksuckers gonna put out their cigars and move along to their next abomination… white pussy businessmen sucking on a big brown dick? That’s all it is. That’s all it ever was… a big brown dick! Sigmund Freud said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Oh yeah? Well sometimes it’s a big brown dick… with a fat, arrogant, white-collared, business-criminal asshole sucking on the wet end of it! But hey, hey, the news is not all bad for me, not all bad; you wanna know the good part? Cancer of the mouth. Good! F*ck ‘em! Makes me happy; it’s an attractive disease… goes nice with a cell phone! So light up suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty suit and blow it out your ass you f*cking cocksucker! Angels Here’s another question I’ve been pondering… what is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Yeah… 3 out of 4 people now believe in angels. What are you f*cking stupid? Has everybody lost their f*cking mind in this country? Angels… shit! You know what I think it is? I think it’s a massive, collective, psychotic, chemical flashback of all the drugs, ALL the drugs smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990; 30 years of adulterated street drugs will get you some f*cking angels my friend! Angels… shit! What about goblins huh? Doesn’t anybody believe in goblins? Never hear about them except on Halloween and it’s always negative shit too you know? And zombies… where the f*ck are all the zombies? That’s the trouble with zombies; they’re unreliable. I say if you’re gonna buy the angel shit you might as well go for the zombie package as well. Harley-Davidson Here’s another horrifying example, an aspect of American culture, the-the pussification, the continued… the continued pussification of the American male in the form of Harley Davidson theme restaurants. What the f*ck is going on here? Harley Davidson used to mean something. It stood for biker attitude; grimy outlaws in their sweaty mamas full of beer and crank, rolling around on Harleys, looking for a good time – destroying property, raping teenagers, and killing policemen… all very necessary activities by the way. But now? Theme restaurants and this soft shit obviously didn’t come from hardcore bikers; it came from these weekend motorcyclists, these fraudulent two-day-a-week motherf*ckers who have their bikes trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota for the big rally and then ride around like they just came in off the road. Dentists and bureaucrats and pussy-boy software designers getting up on a Harley cause they think it makes them cool. Well hey skeezics, you ain’t cool, you’re f*cking chilli and chilli ain’t never been cool. House of Blues And here… as long as we’re talking about theme restaurants, I got a proposition for you. I think if white people are gonna burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues! Huh? What a f*cking disgrace that place is! The House of Blues… they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherf*ckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherf*ckers… especially these male movie stars who think they’re blues artists. You ever see these guys? Don’t you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? It’s a f*cking sacrilege! In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! What the f*ck do white people have to be blue about? Banana Republic ran out of khakis? Huh? The espresso machine is jammed? Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up? Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues, not to get them… and certainly not to sing or play them. Tell you a little secret about the blues; it’s not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing… I don’t think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Stop that! Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes and that repulsive country line-dancing shit that you do and be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the f*ck off the dance floor! Minority Language Now listen, long as we’re discussing minorities, I’d like to mention something about language. There are a couple of terms being used a lot these days by guilty white liberals. First one is “happens to be”… “He happens to be black. I have a friend who happens to be black.” Like it’s a f*cking accident you know? Happens to be black? “Yes, he happens to be black.” Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he had two black parents? “Oh yes, yes he did. Yes, that’s right.” Right, and they f*cked? “Oh indeed they did… indeed they did.” So where does the surprise part come in? I should think it would be more unusual if he just happened to be Scandinavian! And the other term is “openly.” “Openly gay.” They say “he’s openly gay.” But that’s the only minority they use that for. You know, you wouldn’t say someone was “openly black.” … well maybe James Brown… or Louis Farrakhan; Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black, Colin Powell is openly white; he just happens to be black. And while we’re at it, when did the word “urban” become synonymous with the word “black”? Did I fall asleep for 8 or 9 years? Urban styles, urban trends, urban music, I was not consulted on this at all, didn’t get an email, didn’t get a fax, didn’t get a f*cking postcard, fine, let them go and I don’t think white women should be calling each other “girlfriend” okay? Stop pretending to be black! And no matter what color you are, “you go, girl” should probably go! Right along with “you da man” “Hey, you da man!” Oh yeah? Well you da f*cking honky! Man Stuff Now, something a little more positive for you, don’t want you to think the whole show is just negativity. This is about a festival. This is my idea for one of those big outdoor summer festivals. This is called “slug-fest.” This is for men only. Here’s what you do… you get about 100,000 of these f*cking men; you know the ones I mean, these macho motherf*ckers, yeah, these strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha-male jackoffs… the muscle assholes. You take about 100,000 of these disgusting pricks and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big 25-acre dirt arena and you just let them beat the shit out of each other for 24 hours nonstop, no food, no water, just whiskey and PCP! And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other until only one guy is left standing, then you take that guy and you put him on a pedestal and you shoot him in the f*cking head! Yeah. Then you put the whole thing on TV. Budweiser would jump at that shit in half a minute… and guys would volunteer, guys would line up, all you gotta do is promise them a small appliance of some kind. Men will do anything, just give them something that plugs in the wall and makes a whirring noise. Here’s another male cliché… these guys that cut the sleeves off of their t-shirts so the rest of us can have an even more compelling experience of smelling their armpits. I say “Hey Bruno, shut it down would you please? You smell like an anchovy’s cu*t okay? Ughh… not good… ugh… ugh… whoa… not good Bruno, and definitely not for sharing.” This is the same kind of guy that has that barbed wire tattoo that goes all the way around the bicep. You’ve seen that haven’t you? That’s just what I need; some guy who hasn’t been laid since the bicentennial wants me to think he’s a “baaad motherf*cka” because he’s got a picture… aha ha… a painting of some barbed wire on his- I say “hey junior, come around when you have the real thing on there, I’ll squeeze that shit on good and tight for ya okay?” No kidding, no kidding, this is the same kind of guy, that if you smashed him in the face 8 or 9 times with a big chunk of concrete, and then beat him over the head with a steel rod for an hour and a half, you know what? He dropped like a f*cking rock. Like a rock. Here’s another guy thing that sucks… these t-shirts that say “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!” You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit; obsolete, male impulses from 100,000 years ago. “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!” You know what I do when I see that shirt? I obstruct! I stand right in the guy’s path, force him to walk around me, gets a little past me, I spin him around, kick him in the nuts, rip off the shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his f*cking throat! That’s what I do when I see that shirt. Yeah. Hey listen, that’s all these marines are looking for… a good time. And speaking of tough guys, I’m getting a little tired of hearing that after 6 policemen get arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some black guy’s ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they’re gonna have sensitivity training. I say “hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large cumbersome object up someone else’s asshole, maybe you’re too f*cked up to be on the police force in the first place huh?” Maybe, maybe not, I don’t know, listen… you know what they ought to do? They ought to have two new requirements for being on the police; intelligence and decency! You never can tell, it might just work; it certainly hasn’t been tried yet. No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo okay? Now, this next thing is about our president. This is about our president. Bill Jeff, Bill Jeff, Bill Jeff, Clinton… I don’t call him “Clinton”, I call him “Clit-tin”… “Clit-tin… C-L-I-T… T-I-N apostrophe!” His big deal was JFK, isn’t that right? Loved JFK, wanted to emulate JFK in every way. Well, JFK’s administration was called “Camelot”… well, it really should’ve been called “Come-a-lot” cause that’s what he did, he came a lot! So Clinton’s looking for a legacy, that’s what he should call- well maybe, “Come-a-little” would be better for him cause he came a little, you know… little on the dress, little on the desk, not a whole lot, really. Hey, he was no match, no match for Kennedy in the pussy department. Kennedy aimed high; Marilyn Monroe. Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk. There’s a drop-off here. There’s a drop-off. Kids and Parents Something else I’m getting tired of… there’s all this stupid bullshit that we have to listen to all the time about children. It’s all you hear in this country… children, “help the children!” “what about the children?” “save the children!” You know what I say? F*ck the children! F*ck ‘em! They’re getting entirely too much attention! And I know what you’re thinking, you say “Jesus, he’s not gonna attack children is he?” Yes he is! He’s going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I’m talking about! I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you’re such f*cking heroes aren’t gonna like this, but somebody’s gotta tell you for your own good, your children are overrated and overvalued. You’ve turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy! Don’t give me that weak shit “well, I love my children!” F*ck you! Everybody loves their children, doesn’t make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children… kept them all right out on the yard near the garage. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is this constant mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that somehow, everything, EVERYTHING has to be revolved around children. It’s completely out of balance. Listen, there are a couple of things about kids that you have to remember. First of all, they’re not all cute! Okay? In fact, if you look at them close, some of them are rather unpleasant-looking. And a lot of them don’t smell too good either; the little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour milk combination or something. Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it, the better off you’re gonna be. Second premise, not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people; a few winners, a whole lot of losers! There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren’t going anywhere and you can’t save them all, you can’t save them all, you gotta let them go, you gotta cut them loose, you gotta stop overprotecting them cause you’re making them too soft. Today’s kids are way too soft. For one thing, there’s too much emphasis on safety; child-proof medicine bottles and fireproof pyjamas, child restraints in car seats, and HELMETS! Bicycle, skateboard, baseball helmets! Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off! Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid just to save a few thousand lives. It’s pathetic! It’s pathetic! What’s happening is- what’s happening, you know what it is? These baby-boomers, these soft, fruity baby-boomers are raising an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t even allowed to have hazardous toys for Christ’s sakes! Hazardous toys, shit, whatever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own! Simple as that! Simple! Nature! Nature knows best. We’re saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from airbags and batting helmets! Just think of it as passive eugenics okay? Now here’s another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a school yard and kills 3 or 4 kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counsellors and psychiatrists and grief counsellors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit! When I was in school, someone came to our school and killed 3 or 4 of us; we went right on with our arithmetic! “35 classmates minus 4 equals 31.” We were tough… we were tough. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they ought to be able to handle the violence in school. I’m not worried about guns in school. You know what I’m waiting for? Guns in church. That’s gonna be a lot of fun and it’ll happen, you watch, some nut will go f*cking ape-shit in a church and they’ll refer to him as a “disgruntled worshipper.” Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit… school uniforms. Bad theory; the idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they’re gonna get them to look alike too? And it’s not a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand cause the narration was in German! One more item about children and that is the superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen, kids don’t smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to, they smoke for the same reasons adults do because it relieves anxiety and depression. And you’d be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these pathetic, insecure, striving, anal, yuppy parents who enrol you in college before you’re old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the worst! And then they fill you full of riddle and then drag you all over town in search of meaningless structure; little league, club scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, water colors, witchcraft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. They even have play dates for Christ’s sakes; playing is now done by appointment! Whatever happened to “you show me your wee-wee and I’ll show you mine?” Hey, no wonder kids smoke; it helps… not as much as weed but hey, you can’t have everything. You know it’s true; parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day; all children should have three hours of daydreaming. Just daydreaming – you could use a little of it yourself by the way – just sit at the window, stare at the clouds, it’s good for you. If you wanna know how you can help your children, leave them the f*ck alone! TV Tonight Now, a little change of pace, a little change of intensity. I want you to know what’s on television tonight on the other channels, always like people to know what it is they’re missing by listening to my shit. First of all, on the Playboy channel, on the Playboy channel, yeah, tonight, they have one of those new reality shows where the people at home send in their own tapes; it’s called “Home Videos of Bad F*cking”. And speaking of that delightful activity, I guess you know last week, Ricky Lake had a special program, “Women Who Fake Orgasms”, so tonight, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer has a night time special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements”. Yeah, I think they’re running out of topics on those shows too. Sally Jesse’s next show is “Rapists Who Force Their Victims to Play ‘Yatzee’ Beforehand”. Getting a little strange on daytime TV. Then, later on tonight on the Nostalgia channel, they’re gonna play back to back two of my favourite episodes of “Little House on the Prairie”, first of all, the 1975 Christmas show “A Douchebag for Clara”. Wasn’t that good? Aw… and it was sad toward the end when she cried cause she stuck it in the wrong hole! But as they say in the U.S. Navy, “there is no wrong hole”. And then, right after that, they’re gonna play my favourite “Little House on the Prairie” of all time, “Missy Takes a Big Dump in the Woods”. And that was interesting, I thought, cause she had on the high heels and the long dress, and it was fun to watch how she had to maneuver through the poison sumac, and they didn’t have toilet paper in those days, she had to use a series of pinecones, and she was pulling them in the wrong direction! Yes, I understand toward the end of the show, they had to bleep out a lot of screaming and foul language. And then hey, hey, later on tonight on the Pay-Per-View, on Pay-Per-View, Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson’s concert is on and TV guide-listed all the songs he’s gonna sing; he’s gonna start out with one of my favourites, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off”. Isn’t that a good one? God I love that song! Then he’s gonna do a series of love songs, “Kiss Me, I’m Coming”. Aw that’s a good one. “Kiss me, I’m coming. Oh now, I’m humming, mmmmmm” Well I can’t help it, I am a romantic and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes. Here’s a sad song “I Should’ve F*cked Oh ‘Whatshername’”. Remember that? “I should’ve never played the game, I should’ve f*cked oh ‘whatshername’”. Here’s one my mother used to sing around the house, “Your Love Ran Down My Leg and Now, You’re Gone”. Yeah, that one always got to me. I’m glad you feel the same way. Here’s a fine love song, “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me”. He’s even gonna do a Stevie Wonder song, “I Just Called To Say I Tested ‘Positive’”. Well, you don’t wanna leave anybody out, you know what I mean? And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of cowboy songs? He’s gonna do that one George Jones and Weyland Jennings wrote, “Drinking Beer, Taking a Shit, and Passing Out”, then he’s gonna do kind of a traditional western song, one that Gene Autry used to sing when I was a little boy, “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow”. You know why I like that song so much? Cause it’s a real cowboy song. And by the way, speaking of cattle-f*cking, do you know why it is when a rancher f*cks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back; just a little tip for you outdoorsmen when you’re out camping. Names Now this next thing is about names, that’s all, names. Names are an interest of mine, not a hobby, hobbies cost money, interests are free. This is just about names. Did you ever notice how they name Singles Bars? Singles Bars all have the same cutsy little one-word names that end in ‘s’. Scamps, Tramps, Chaps, Rumours, Cahoots, Cheers, Chances, Mingles, Risks, Gambits, Notions, hey, if I had a Singles Bar, you know what I’d call it? Nipples and Dicks! A little truth in advertising! The Sperm Club! Snatch o’ Rama! The Crotch-e-teria! Frankie’s F*ckery! Café Vagina! Open All Night! Well I’m an old fashioned guy. I’m old fashioned because I believe the name on the outside of a place ought to let you know what’s going on on the inside. Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant, “The Mouthful”, huh? Come on, that’s clever shit, that’s a double pun goddammit, you didn’t think of it! Besides, you don’t have to eat there if you don’t want to. No, no, just go in, have a cocktail… or a high-ball. Here’s another name I don’t care for, TGI Fridays, you know these cutsy-ass little places? TGI Fridays! Hghhh. That whole “TGIF” thing was cute for about an hour… and that was 65 years ago when someone first said it on the radio, not cute anymore, time to start bombing these locations! TGI Fridays, if I had a place like that, you know what I’d call it? HSIOW… Holy Shit, It’s Only Wednesday. I think people would drink a lot more liquor if they thought it was Wednesday all the time. Well I’m just looking for a little honesty in these names. A little honesty, that’s not asking a lot. I’m thinking of opening up a motel and calling it “The Sleep n’ F*ck”. Wouldn’t that be a good honest name for a motel? Who needs this shady “Pines” bullshit? “The Sleep n’ F*ck” motel; get me one of them big neon signs, “Sleep… F*ck… Sleep n’ F*ck!” You put it right at the Jersey entrance to the Holland tunnel you know? Actually “F*ck n’ Sleep” would be a little more accurate wouldn’t it? Best name for a motel would be “The F*ck n’ Smoke n’ Sleep n’ Roll Over and Get Out of Bed and Wash Your Crotch and Grab a Bite, Two Cans of Mr. Pip and Go Home and F*ck a Whole Lot More” cause that’s all they have left in those soda machines on Sunday night, Mr. Pip and Diet Chaster Orange… and that yellow can of Canada Dry Tonic Water that nobody wants! And speaking of naming things, am I the only person in this country who’s laughing when these commercials come on television for “Snapper Lawn Mowers”? Isn’t there anyone else in this fading Republic who knows what a snapper is? A snapper is a pussy okay? That’s what it means, “snapper” means “pussy”. It’s derived from an older, more specific term, “Snappin’ Pussy”… which describes a particular type of pussy, one with good quick muscular control, kind of an elasticity in the vaginal wall that can grab a hold of you and give you a decent hump, you know what I’m talking about. A snappin’ pussy! But now, now “snapper” means any kind of pussy and they’ve named a lawn mower company after it! Now I have seen a few snappers in my day, never seen one that’ll cut grass! No, no, maybe do a little edging, a little edging along the driveway after a party, that’s all you can hope for. But you know, “weed whacker”, you can understand! Advertising Lullabye Now a lot of these company names and product names are influenced by marketing and advertising people and this next thing is about advertising. By the way, if you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-220 and still attack advertising up here, well, you’re just gonna have to figure that shit out on your own okay? Now this is called “Advertising Lullaby”, keeping in mind of course that the whole purpose of advertising is to lull you to sleep. Quality, value, styles, service, selection, convenience, economy savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation. Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking. No cash? No problem. No kidding, no fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest till September. Limited time only though so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow 6 weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that’s just right for you and just right for your budget and say, don’t forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”. And if you act now, we’ll include an extra added, free, complementary, bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine, imitation, leather-style, carrying case with authentic vinyl trim… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”. Actually, it’s our way of saying “bend over just a little bit farther so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper! Pbbt! You miserable, no-good, f*cking consumer asshole!” American Bullshit Cause you do know folks, living in this country, you’re bound to know that every time you’re exposed to advertising, you realize once again, that America’s leading industry, America’s most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit… high quality, grade-A, prime cut, pure American bullshit, and the sad part is is that most people seem to been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources; advertising, politics, salesmen… not true, bullshit is everywhere, bullshit is rampant, parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full of shit. This entire country, this entire country is completely full of shit and always has been from the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution of the Star Spangled Banner, it’s still nothing more than one big, steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit because think of how we started… think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us “all men are created equal”. Oh yeah… all men, except for Indians and Niggers and women right? Always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected white male, land-holding, slave owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now that is what’s known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these f*cking cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse! No one would know what to do! Honesty would f*ck this country up! And I think deep down, Americans know that. That’s why the elected and re-elected Bill Clinton! Because the American people like their bullshit right out front where they can get a good strong whiff of it! Clinton might be full of shit but at least he lets you know it. Dolle tried to hide it didn’t he? Dolle kept saying “I’m a plain and honest man!” Bullshit! People don’t believe that! What did Clinton say? He said “Hi folks! I’m completely full of shit and how do you like that?” and the people said “You know something? At least he’s honest.” At least he’s honest about being completely full of shit. Businessmen This is just like the business world, same as business; everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers, you could ever want to run into… a f*cking piece of shit businessman. And the proof of it is they don’t even trust each other! They don’t trust one another! When a businessman sits down and negotiates a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who’s trying to f*ck him out of his money! So he’s gotta do everything he can to f*ck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder… and he’s gotta do it with a big smile on his face. You know that big, bullshit, businessman smile? And if you’re a customer, whoa… that’s when you get the really big smile! Customers always get the really big smile as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer and unzips his pants and proceeds to service the account! “I’m servicing this account… this customer needs service.” Now you know what they mean when they say “we specialize in customer service”. Whoever coined the phrase “let the buyer beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole. That’s business. Religion But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman… cause I gotta tell you the truth folks, I gotta tell you the truth. When it comes to bullshit, big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims… religion. No contest! No contest! Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it… religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day, and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time… but he loves you. He loves you and he NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow, just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story… holy shit! There is No God But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know when it comes to believing in God, I really tried, I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things, I really tried to believe that but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is f*cked up. Something is wrong here… war, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these don’t belong on the résumé of a supreme being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy” because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man; no woman could or would ever f*ck things up like this! So if, if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit… which I admire in a person and which will explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky, incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I can really count on, and immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that , overnight, I became a sun worshipper… well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night, the first thing the next morning, I became a sun worshipper. Several reasons… first of all, I can see the sun okay? Unlike some other Gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that, if I can see something, I don’t know, kind of helps the credibility along you know? So every day, I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need… heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake… and occasional skin cancer but hey, at least there are no crucifixions and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mysteries, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy, doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved, hasn’t said an unkind word, treats me fine. So I worship the sun but… I don’t pray to the sun. You know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship; it’s not polite. I often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking- trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favours, do this, give me that, I need a new car, want a better job, and most of this praying takes place on Sunday… his day off. It’s not nice, and it’s no way to treat a friend. But people do pray and they pray for a lot of different things… you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall, but most of all, you’d really like to f*ck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store… you know, the one with the eye patch and the clubbed foot? Huh? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say fine, pray for anything you want, pray for anything but what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan… long time ago, God made a divine plan, gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice, and for billions and billions of years, the divine plan has been doing just fine, now you come along and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn’t that seem a little arrogant? It’s a divine plan! What’s the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a $2 prayer book can come along and f*ck up your plan? And here’s something else, another problem you might have… suppose your prayers aren’t answered, what do you say? “Well it’s God’s will, thy will be done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will and he’s gonna do what he wants to anyway, why the f*ck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to his will? It’s all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun but, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons… first of all, I think he’s a good actor okay? To me, that counts. Second… he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t f*ck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbour with the barking dog… Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit! It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat! So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now, and I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers that I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time, I get what I want, half the time, I don’t, same as God, 50-50, same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well, and the rabbit’s foot, same as the mojo man, same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same, 50-50, so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might wanna look at “The Three Little Pigs”, that’s a good one, has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s “Little Red Riding Hood”, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big, Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother, which I didn’t care for by the way. And finally, I’ve often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from “Humpty Dumpty”. The part I like the best, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again”. That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no God, none, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I’m gonna put it this way… if there is a God, if there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened! Nothing happened! Everybody’s okay! All right? Tell you what… I’ll raise the stakes. I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead! See? Nothing happened- oh, wait… got a little cramp in my leg… and my balls hurt… plus, I’m blind… I’m bli- oh, now I’m okay again… must’ve been Joe Pesci huh? God bless Joe Pesci! Thank you all very much! Joe blesses you! Thank you all very much! I appreciate it! Bye Bye!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: PATTON OSWALT (1999) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-patton-oswalt-1999-full-transcript/

(Announcer) from New York City, Comedy Central presents Patton Oswalt (cheering) Thank you. Thanks. Oh, thank you all for coming out. This makes it nice, having an audience for my special. Thank you very much. You know, remember when you were a little kid, and your friends would be out playing a game like cowboys and Indians or fort, some game where there was, like, fake boundaries? So they would say, “okay, the bike path over at the scaffetys’ is lava, “and if you touch that, you’re dead. “And then the hedges over at the slingerlands’ “are poison snakes, “and if you go over there, “they’ll bite you and you’re dead. And those are the boundaries.” But you weren’t there when they started playing. Like, you show up an hour later, ’cause you’re going to the pool. You’re like, “hey, guys, I’m gonna go to the pool.” And they say, “hey, don’t touch the bike path, it’s lava! Don’t– the hedges are snakes!” And you’ve gotta say, “oh, I’m not– “guys, I wasn’t here when you did all that. “I’m just going to the pool. It doesn’t affect me.” Do you know what I’m talking about? That’s pretty much how I treat the pot laws in this country. Kinda the same way, you know, just the whole… “Patton, you can’t… You can’t have that, it’s illegal.” “Oh, I’m not– go ahead. “I wasn’t here when you did all that. “Yeah, I know, okay, don’t worry about it, it’s– “I know, it’s lava– it’s just marijuana. “Don’t worry, see ? It’s fine. Don’t worry.” I like– well, I don’t like reading the obituaries, but I read the obituaries a lot, because it just seems to me that people that write the obituaries either wanna be p.r. People or they’re failed p.r. People, and they’re trying to keep it going. “Hey, look, I spun death!” For instance, in the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always give in after a valiant battle with cancer, or they throw in the towel after a courageous fight, which, statistically, that can’t be possible. There had to have been a couple of cowardly ordeals in there. You know what I mean ? Like “bob smith died today “after a craven, cowardly ordeal with cancer, “during which he wished the disease “on his family and friends, “and attempted a pact with Satan “which left his basement covered in goat’s blood “and four boxes of chalk needlessly wasted, “trying to summon a demon who never appeared. “The few mourners who showed up at his funeral “had a hard time not giggling. Good riddance.” My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they’ll have my picture, and then they always have underneath it, in quotes, “he loved to laugh.” Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn’t tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh. You’re laughing. That’s like saying, “he hungered for food “so often in his life, he got these insane cravings. “He tried to give it up. “He’d have a big breakfast and say, “‘that’s it, cold turkey.’ “And then at lunch he’d want some cold turkey. “He was pathetic. “Battled it alongside of his sleep addiction. “Oh, that sleep addiction was a monkey on his back. “He’d go 18, 20 hours, but sooner or later, “he’d look for a ‘bed’ to ‘lie down in’, “as the crazy sleep junkies would say in that “weird street lingo of theirs. “‘I’m gonna go take a nap.’ What’s that hepcat saying ?” Although I can’t think of anything creepier than watching someone laugh who hates to laugh. How disturbing would that look ? Like, you tell ’em a joke, and they’re like, “eh-eh-heh– oh, laughter !” ( Grunting ) look at my set. They built me a set. Oh, all the money. I live in Los Angeles right now. I love going to, like, old movies. I’m a real film buff, and Los Angeles is the place to go to a lot of movies. They show old movies all the time. But unfortunately, you have to watch ’em with people that live in Los Angeles, and a lot of them– they’ll go to these old movies, but they’ll bring their bull ( bleep ) Starbucks liberalism with them. You know what I mean ? As if it still applies to the movies that they’re watching. Like i– they were showing John Wayne’s The Searchers. The Searchers, one of the greatest films ever made. So we’re all watching it at the Mann’s Chinese. “Oh, man, this is amazing.” So the movie starts up. The first title comes up: Texas, 1868. Texas, 1868. So this woman two seats down from me starts reacting to the film as if it were made today. She starts going, “oh, well, let the women clear the table “while the men just sit there and talk. “Okay, and let’s all be racist “to the Indians while we’re at it. That’s good.” Um, ma’am ? It’s the Old West, okay ? It was settled by big, white, racist psychopaths. I’m sorry. Those are the guys that settled it. It wasn’t settled gap greeters ajamba juice employees on their break. It would have been nice, but no. No. What are you thinking ? “If I had settled this country–” we’d all be dead right now. You’d be dead. ‘Cause I would have been out there, going, “oh, my inner child doesn’t feel like chopping wood today. I haven’t–” “we’re gonna die, you idiot!” “I know, but I was reading Andrea Dworkin, and she says the males–” “please kill an animal so we can eat! Please!” We’re at war, right? I’m only saying we’re at war, because I turned on CNN last week, and there was a green city on TV. Whenever you turn on CNN and there’s a green city with white dots over it, you’re like, “oh, I guess we need oil. “Hey, honey, we should go fill the car up. Oil prices–” as I speak to my wife, who doesn’t exist. “Honey, we should go get… The…” My phantom wife. These war reporters, too, for CNN– they try to make out like they’re still that whole Edward Murrow– “I’m in London while they’re bombing us,” or “I’m in the jungles of Vietnam.” These guys are in a day’s inn, miles away from the shelling, still trying to come on like they’re king swaggercock. “Yeah, I’m in the middle of the war. Look out !” And these guys try to play it up, like, “yes, we’re in the day’s inn. “The shelling has started. “We’ve lost spectra vision, Bernie. “We have– I don’t know how ‘blade’ ends. “Wesley was fighting the vampires, “and he looked like he was doing well, but who knows. “It’s just– it’s pure hell, Bernie. “It is pure– black is white, white is black– it’s chaos. “I ordered a sandwich, “I specifically said no mayonnaise, “the sandwich came… Slathered, Bernie. “Slathered is the only word I can use “for the amount of mayonnaise. “We sent it back, we’re praying that– “please keep us in your prayers– “that the sandwich will come back with no mayonnaise. “Mustard on the side, I know, is way too much to hope for, “but just the no mayonnaise “would give me some semblance of sanity. “Bernie, the sandwiches are here. “They’re wheeling the sandwiches in. “We’re going to– “there’s no mayonnaise on my sandwich, Bernie. “There is no mayonnaise. “God bless America! God bless America.” It’s really great to be in New York right now. It is, this is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year– has anyone ever been there ? Oh, man ! I was like Templeton the Rat in Charlotte’s Web. Just running around, “oh, hookers and pot!” It was unbelievable. And being, like, a typical american jackass, I decided to go to the coffee shops and get a little marijuana, ’cause that’s what Americans do. So, um– and I was like Goldilocks. I was so selective. “This shop’s too new wave. This one’s too reggae.” And I found the perfect shop. It was called “the dolphin,” on the Keizerstraat. You know how I know it was perfect ? ‘Cause the mix tape, when I went in– supergrass, Elvis Costello, and the Beastie Boys. The holy triumvirate ! So– now, the story that I’m about to tell is true. This all happened. And I wish it didn’t, ’cause it sounds fake, but this all happened the way I’m about to describe it. It sounds very Zemeckis, but it’s real. And keep in mind that it’s 4:30 in the afternoon when this happens, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in Los Angeles. So please keep that in mind. So I go in, and I ask to see the pot menu. Now, when you go into the coffee shops and you wanna see the pot menu, they either bring out a three-ring binder with ’em all in pockets, or in this case, she brought out this tackle box that she opened like a flower of joy. And so I’m looking at all these, and I’m trying to be all Derek Flint, Matt Helm, international cool. Like, “the Thai looks a little shaggy. I don’t know.” Of course, inside, I’m like, “ya-ha-ha-ha, woo !” So finally, I say, “look, I’m not gonna do anything “for the next couple of days, “so just give me something that’s gonna get right on top of my boo-boo.” And she said, “you want the white widow from Afghanistan.” So I go, “yeah, I’ll take the white widow.” Now, she should have warned me, though. The best marijuana you smoke in the united states, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have over there. And the bud she selected for me left its parents on krypton, all right ? So she starts making, like, she goes, “I can put it in a cookie, or I can make tea, or I can roll you a joint.” And I said, “you can roll me a joint.” So she starts rolling this joint– and to give you an idea of the care and concern and craftsmanship that went into my joint– just as she began rolling it, queen’s “we are the champions” started playing on the mix tape. That’s what started playing. It took her the entire song to roll it. The entire song ! She was taking out stems and seeds. Oh, rolling it so nice– hi ! And, so she’s, like, rolling it, and then she starts, like, licking it to seal it, looking right at me– “I… Wh… The… Hoo-hoo…” And it’s 4:30 in the afternoon in Amsterdam, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in l.a. If I had kept my writing job on the sketch show I used to be on, I would just then be waking up to go in and pitch sketches that I don’t wanna write, like, “I don’t know, how about “‘midnight in the olive garden of good and evil ?’ “What ?– Come on!” Instead, I’m in Amsterdam in a coffee shop, where this blonde nordic giantess is carefully licking my joint closed, while queen’s “we are the champions” plays on the mix tape. My life rocked ! For a minute! And I visited the Anne Frank house. If you go to Amsterdam, you’ve got to go to the Anne Frank house. No, it was really emotional. It was really spiritual. I just couldn’t believe it. You go in, and it’s the actual house. But I didn’t know that you had to pay to get in. I thought you just– it was a historical– I thought you just go in and you take the tour. And there’s this big booth in the lobby, and I thought, “well, that’s an information booth,” and I just breezed on by, upstairs I went. Woo! Started taking the tour. So the woman downstairs is like, “did that guy just not pay ? He didn’t pay!” So she comes up the stairs after me. Now, when I go to other countries– this is gonna sound kinda lame– but I sorta think of myself as an ambassador, insofar as I don’t wanna be a typical american douche nozzle, and getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house– that’s it. I mean, you’ve won the douche nozzle sweepstakes. So she’s looking for me, and I’m already on the third floor. I’m like, “oh, man, what do I do?” So I hid behind this bookcase on the third floor. I didn’t know where else to go! So she was looking for me for, like, half an hour, so I didn’t know what to do. So I kept this diary while I was back there, ’cause I was just bored. I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t know what was gonna happen. So I’d like to read an excerpt from the diary that I kept while I was there. “Saturday, January 10th. “I didn’t know that you had to pay to get into “the Anne Frank house, “and now I’m hiding behind a bookcase on the third floor. “When will people learn that you have to make it clear “when you’re supposed to pay to get into a historic landmark “like the Anne Frank house, “so that people like me need not live in fear? “Still, I believe people are basically good, “and I hope someday to have a girlfriend who’ll let me feel her breasts.” So that’s just an excerpt. I didn’t– I had to leave my diary there when I fled, and I just hope they print it so people can learn from my mistake. So I’m 30 now. I just turned 30, and– which means I’m getting older. You know what I’ve realized? You can grow old two ways. You can either grow old in which you hate everything, and you’re just, “you kids with your robot servants !” Or you can grow old like me, in which you lose your love and hatred of everything. You know, my scale of love and hatred used to go from “oh, yeah, really ?! Woo !” To “oh, no way, oh, get– no!” Now the scale goes– here’s my scale. Ready? “Oh, that’s… Mm-hmm.” To “oh, eh, no.” Yeah, I don’t know… Okay, that’s right. So… Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go ? There was only one game in town. Paas. You went Paas, or you went to hell! Remember that? That was on the box. ‘Cause they had the monopoly. They could say that. Remember when you got the kit ? What did you get ? You got the little color tablets– remember those ? And you put ’em in the water and the water would smell like a vinegar fart, and then you would take the egg and put the egg in the little wire seat– remember that, that little torture seat ? “I’ll lower you to your doom ! Scream all you want !” Or, like me, you’d put all the tablets into one glass, and that would turn the eggs brown. “Oh, can’t get brown eggs, Patton. That’s our little prodigy.” Then you could punch out the back of the box– remember that– and make a little egg holder. Oh, remember that ? But, like me, you wouldn’t wait for the eggs to dry, and then the box would dissolve, and your dad would start drinking– that’s not important. What’s important is that that is all the kit came with. But then remember in the ’70s all those upstart companies came along, trying to unseat the Paas dynasty?! There was “shake an egg”– remember “shake an egg”? You put the egg in the bag with the glitter and it came out looking all glam rocky, like it fell out of David Bowie’s ass? “Hey, look, happy Easter! Bang a gong, everybody!” And then Ronco came out with that weird inquisition clamp. Remember that? You’d put the egg in the clamp, and then you’d put the magic marker and a clamp here, and then you’d turn the egg all… “Oh, a line! “There’s a line on the egg! It’s 4:00 in the morning.” I went back in the drugstore recently, looking for egg coloring kits– there’s only one company standing. Paas, ladies and gentlemen. Paas! And when you get the kit– you buy that kit, you know what you get ? You get five colored tablets, a little wire thing, a punch– they didn’t change a thing! What chrome-plated balls on those guys. They didn’t– I just imagine their founder, some guy named Henry Paas, going, “let ’em go to their little “shake an eggs” “or their Ronco things. “They’ll come crawling back. “We’re Paas. “My father started this company with one color tablet, “and it was white, and we were thankful! “Paas! “Happy Easter, and bite my wrinkly ball sack. Put that on the box!” Can we say “bite my wrinkly ball sack?” Well, I guess we’re gonna find out. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I love how TV is so good right now. There’s a lot of really good shows on TV. And what’s great about all these good shows being on TV is it makes the bad shows look like an infected ‘rhoid– like they really stand out. For instance, especially, like, tfox network is starting to realize that, you know, “except The Simpsons and the X-Files and king of the hill our network sorta sucks.” So they’re starting to show just videos of things like “world’s scariest police chases,” and “when things go wrong.” And they show a guy in a parachute. “Aaaah!” Just falling. It’s always the same guy. “Aaaaah!” And that’s cool. I’ll watch those shows. But then recently they really hit the bottom of the barrel, because they showed a show called Fox’s most shocking medical videos. Anyone see this show? “Most shocking medical videos.” Okay, a couple things. Number one, all medical videos are shocking! They’re medical videos, for god’s sakes. There’s no soothing medical videos. There’s nothing like, “well, the stuffing’s taking forever, “so let’s watch this episiotomy footage that I have. “When the bone saw hits the ligaments, it’s a symphony.” The other thing is, during the whole special, they kept trying to show you– they kept trying to tell you, “well, you’re gonna learn something about medical science. “This is a very educational show, and you’ll learn about the wonders of science.” No, no. This is all wet-ass hour surgery, when the bottom has fallen through the basement, and some guy comes in with an elk’s leg up his ass, and the doctor’s like, “ahh, ah… “Ah, I don’t have… “There’s no elk/ass chapter of the Gray’s Anatomy. “Get some tongs and… Some butter. “I don’t know. I didn’t train for this.” I think the bottom moment of the special came when this guy– there was a guy that went up in the Himalayas, and he got extreme frostbite, and his face turned black, and then… Fell off ! His face fell off ! So the doctors are reconstructing his face, and now he’s got no nose. So he has options. Oh, he’s got options now. Option number one is to get this fake clip-on nose. It’s a fake hard plastic nose, and they put these metal studs, and you clip it on. And they show a guy with no nose, and the guy clips it on, and he looked okay. He looked like– he looked fine. But this guy said, “oh, phooey and pshaw. “No fake nose for me. “That’s all flummery. I want something real.” So the doctors consult this ancient sanskrit medical text. Why they are consulting an ancient sanskrit medical text– beyond me. But there’s a way they can take skin and fat from other parts of your body and grow appendages. So they make a nose out of, like, ass fat and thigh skin, and they grow it upside down on his forehead. So for a year, he has a hole in his face, and an upside-down nose. Aagh! Go into restaurants, catching a flick– oh my god! Then they take the ass-fat nose, sew it over the nose hole, and they show him with his new, natural-looking nose. And it looked horrifying. Oh my god, if my face ever fell off, I would have the presence of mind to kill myself. I would not hang around, mr. Soppy gobface, clinging on to life. (Grumbling) “oh my god, what’s wrong with him ?” “He loves life, he won’t let go.” (Grumbling) “oh god, please kill yourself!” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Thank you. Thanks a lot. ( Cheering and applauding )

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GREG DAVIES: YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/greg-davies-you-magnificent-beast-full-transcript/

♪ Now I’m not trying to be rude ♪ But, hey, pretty girl, I’m feeling you ♪ ♪ The way you do the things you do Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪ ♪ Baby, give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running my hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪ ♪ Mama rolling that body Got every man in here wishin’ ♪ ♪ Sippin’ on coke and rum I’m like, “So what? I’m drunk ♪ ♪ It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun ♪ It’s always good to start a television special with a joke that you’ll never be able to air, isn’t it? -[laughs] So– -[woman] I want you to have my baby! Eh? [woman] Will you have my baby? Will I have your babies? Gut instinct says no. Definitely no. It’s definitely no. I have a system for stand up. My system is, I go home to Shropshire, where I’m from, with a notepad and a pen, and I wait for my parents to say weird shit. Then I come and tell you. That’s my system. Right? I had some problems this time. Problem number one… About three years ago, my dad, very selfishly, died. You’re pissed off. I had three shows left in him. Problem number two… My mom pulled me to one side when she heard I was gonna do a new show. And she went, “I don’t want you to talk about me anymore.” And I went, “What?!” She said, “I want you to stop talking about me onstage.” I went, “Why?” She goes, “You’ve had two shows out of me. You’ve humiliated me on stages all around the country. Honestly, I think you’ve had your money’s worth.” And she’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I have. I’ve made thousands. Thousands out of her. So I stood there, going, “Shit! What the fuck am I gonna talk about?” Anyway, then she changed the subject. And this is what she said… She said, “Have you been watching any of that Oscar Pistorius retrial?” I went, “Here we go. All right. No, mom, I haven’t. Why?” She goes, “You haven’t watched any?” I said, “I think I read a little about it.” She goes, “What do you think?” I went, “What do you mean?” -She said, “Do you think he did it?” -I said, “He did do it.” She says, “I know he did. Do you think you meant to do it?” I went, “Well… I’m not sure why we’re talking about this, old lady, but if you want my opinion, yeah, he lost his temper and he shot her.” She went, “That’s what I think. Yeah.” Then she said two things. “Now, I want you to tell me if you were in my position, would you break a promise you’ve made to your 77-year-old mother?” ‘Cause they’re both fucking astonishing. Bearing in mind that Oscar Pistorius shot his girlfriend to death… Even the build up is hilarious. She said, this.. “That silly lad. [laughing] What a tyke. What a little tinker.” Then she followed it up with the all-time classic. “He had the world at his feet.” He fucking didn’t, did he? I said, “Don’t expect me not to use that onstage, old woman. It’s gold!” Recently… she said the worst sentence that anyone’s ever said to me. Imagine that in my business. We went for a meal. We went for a steak together. I can’t speak for the other middle-aged people in the room, but I find that with every year that passes, I have less and less to look forward to in life. So when I go for a meal… I fucking have it. I am consuming it, and I am consumed by it. My world goes… [mimics doors closing] and I’m just… “Oh, yeah. [imitates chewing] Oh, that meat is cooked to perfection. The futility of life… I’d just briefly forgotten the futility of life.” My mom’s opposite me, and since she’s on her own, it’s a constant stream of bullshit coming out of her mouth. Largely about people I’ve never even met. So I’m there going, “Oh, yeah. “Oh, my knife just glides through it.” [imitating chattering] “Oh, she had a stroke in Tesco. She fell into the salad bar.” “I might just put my meat into the peppercorn sauce.” “He’s riddled with arthritis. He can’t even pick a cup up.” “I might put a chip with the meat. Just have the combination of the potato and the meat.” “You should see what they’ve done with the town hall. Multicultural mural.” I was on total food lockdown. I didn’t hear a word she said. Then something just slipped through my radar just very briefly. And I couldn’t quite let it go. I was just… [chewing] “I’ll just put some sweet corn on the end of my fork.” “Christine said to me, ‘We should both get one of those rabbits.'” “Just have some broccoli for health.” I couldn’t quite let it go. Do you know what I mean? It kept racing around my mind. I found myself going, “That’s strange. Why would they be buying a pet at their age?” “Christine said, ‘I don’t mind ordering them, but they’re coming to your house.'” I went, “All right, what the fuck? Are you talking about dildos?” She went, “Yes.” I went, “Why? I’m your son.” She said, “I thought you’d find it funny.” “Funny? The idea of you two hammering away at yourselves?” I may have done this show in my hometown last week. Mom saw it. Suitably mortified. “Oh, disgusting! Absolutely disgusting.” She sent me a text the next day, which I’m gonna keep on my phone for the rest of my life. Wanna see it? Have a look. “Hello, love. I’d prefer it if you wouldn’t do that vibrator routine in your show. When you ignore this and do it anyway, at least make it clear to your audiences that neither Christine or myself have ever bought or used a sex aid.” Contract fulfilled, old woman. But it must have got to me, ’cause I found myself thinking, “I wonder if there’s something nice I can tell everyone. A nice story I can tell about my mom to take away the taste of the filth, you know?” So I found myself going, “Oh, let me see.” And I thought of something. When I was eight years of age, just eight, I was gonna say little Greg, but I was a freak of nature then, as well. Not the six-foot-eight monstrosity you see before you, but I was still disgustingly long. I went past Clinton Cards, which if you don’t know the shop, it’s for people with no taste, largely. Bankrupt. And stringy old eight-year-old Greg, skipped past Clinton Cards and there was a bear in the window, three-foot tall. And I remember going, “If only I could have that. That toy, that… long toy for a long boy.” I said to my mom, “I’ve seen this giant bear, could I have it?” She goes, “Well, we’ll chat with Santa and see what he says.” I go, “Okay.” A couple of days later, she came back, and she went, “I’m sorry, love. I’ve spoken to Santa, and… I’m afraid that bear is £75. Santa can’t afford it this year.” I thought, “That’s a shame, although Santa does appear to be able to afford quite a lot of fucking cigarettes.” I was on to Santa. I’d met him the year before. I was sharing a room with my sister. He came in. His fag was glowing in the dark. He was clearly shit-faced. When I said, “Hello, Santa,” he told me to piss off in a woman’s voice. So, I was on to Santa. But I thought, “Fair enough, she can’t afford it.” I just let it go. Now, it obviously got to her, ’cause a couple of days later, she came back… She went, “Oh… I’ve spoken to my friend Carol. We think we can make you a giant bear.” And I remember thinking, “Uh…” I was only eight years of age, but I thought, “Oh… that sounds shit, doesn’t it? That sounds shit.” She took a dirty old blue blanket out of the garage, and I thought, “Yep, this is gonna be shit.” Then every two days on the buildup to Christmas, she’d come over… “Project’s coming on. Project’s coming on.” Christmas day, I ran into the front room and under the tree, there was a giant parcel for me. And I ripped it open. And there he was. I met him for the first time. BT. “Blue Ted.” Five-foot tall. Five foot. They added two feet onto it. And he became a firm friend of mine for many years to come. He really did. Like I said. It’s just… You seem surprised. It’s just a nice story. No, no. No, there’s no need for that. We’re not in America. It’s fine. Sorry, I forgot to say… I went home recently and found a picture of BT. -Would you like to meet him? -[cheering] I can’t hear you. -[cheering continuing] -Would you like to meet him? Here he is. What the fuck is that? Because it isn’t a bear, is it ladies and gentlemen? A fucking frog, maybe. It scared the living shit out of me. It looks like ET, doesn’t it? If anything. Oh, incidentally, I don’t know the last time you watched ET, I watched it three weeks ago. It was on one Sunday, and I was drawn into that film the way I was as a child. It was the scene in the woodshed when Elliott first uncovers ET. And his little glowing finger comes out. And I thought, “God, that’s a magical film, ET.” And my mate Rich was next to me. He ruined that film in one sentence, and I’m about to ruin it for you now. ‘Cause he said– I was going, “Oh, God… this is like being a child.” And Rich went, “Tell you what, mate, if I found something like that in my shed, I’d stove it’s fucking head in with a shovel.” And he’s right, isn’t he? If you think about it for one second, he’s right. If you found that in your shed, you would panic, and you would stamp the cunt to death. [speaks gibberish] It talks! Mom! A little early in the record to be calling ET a cunt, isn’t it? I like to call ET a cunt. It’s funny when you film something and you can hear things being cut out as you say them. [mimics cutting] ET’s a cunt. Well, I stand by it. He is a cunt. [laughs] Look… my point is… [laughs] Can I just say to the lady who just looked at me really seriously, the more upset you are, the funnier I find it. Look… look… Guys. My point is… it’s a weird looking creature. Right? But it’s a mom doing her best for her son. She couldn’t afford what I wanted, so she did her best. I think we can all agree, it’s a sweet story, isn’t it? Or it would be… But when I got to 13 years of age, ladies and gentleman, I fucked that bear. I did. Sorry. I fucked him right in his furry backside. And I didn’t fuck him once, I’ll tell you that. I fucked him for a whole summer. I was out in the park, playing with my friends. And I’d fuck that every day. Mom would shout, “Time to get up for school, Greg.” I was too busy knocking the back end out of this. You can see it in his eyes if you look closer. Haunted. Haunted. I’ll be honest with you. He could stand up on his own after a while. “Very funny, Greg. Very funny! First you make me out to be a mad old lady. Now I find out you’ve been fornicating with the toys I made for you. It’s disgusting.” I say, “It’s just a laugh, Mom.” She goes, “It’s a laugh for you. It’s my reputation you’re out there ruining. What’s the show called? You’re all right, aren’t you?” The show has always been “You Magnificent Beast.” There’s a reason for that. I was moving through London in a cab with the window open. A drunk student saw me, recognized me. He dove through the window of the moving cab. He grabbed me by the throat, and he went, “Oh, yeah. You magnificent beast.” He just let go. Honestly, as far as I know, he could be dead. But I got a title for my show. The honest truth is, the next day I found myself… “Yes, I am. Yes, I am.” I thought, “I’m gonna write a show about how magnificent I am. How magnificent we all are. That’s what my show is gonna be about. How unique all human beings are. How we’ve all got something to offer.” I started getting quotes together, inspirational quotes about humans. Look at this. I think it’s wonderful. “Child of heaven born from the womb of a star.” All of us. Another one… “Man’s goodness is a flame that can be hidden but never extinguished.” Nelson Mandela said that. I hope this doesn’t seem arrogant, but I do see myself as the white Nelson Mandela. Thank you. Thank you. Another one. “No species has ever had such wholesale control over everything on Earth.” Attenborough said that. We believe anything Attenborough said. I thought, “This show is gonna write itself.” I start getting images together of the wonderful things all human beings have done. And my mom, still smarting, went, “Yeah, I’m a mad old lady who’s had her youth, had it away with. And you’re a magnificent beast? How about your lift your shirt up in front of the mirror, love? See how magnificent you are.” I will do. Yeah. Have a look. Look at it. Look at what I’ve done to myself. Nothing magnificent about this, is there? I thought, “She’s got a point.” When I thought about it more, I thought, “There’s nothing magnificent about a middle-aged human being anyway. Middle-age is dreadful.” I’m gonna come and talk to one of my middle-aged friends. This is where I massively offend someone. -What’s your name? -Sean. Sean, you’re how old? Sorry? -Forty-seven. -Couple years younger than me? -Are you enjoying middle age? -Yep. Are you up for a piss in the night? -A couple of times. -Twice. We’re at the same prostate level. It’s called “galia melon.” Two pisses a night, I’m the same. You’re two years younger than me. I’ll tell you, things have happened to me that you’ve got to look forward to. And I just want to share them with the young people. In the last two years, my nails have become four times thicker than they used to be. Just imagine that, young people. Imagine not being able to bite through your own fucking nails. What’s the evolutionary miracle about that, David Attenborough? In case I fancy skittering up a wall like a fucking lizard? I’ve started behaving weirdly. I’ve started buying folk music. No one likes folk music, not even the singers. They can’t be bothered to sing out of their mouths. [singing gibberish] I’ve got albums full of the shit round my place. In the Sunday supplement, I ordered one of those things you put on your stomach to try and make you not fat without doing exercise. You know the electrocution things? And at a real low point in my life, I found myself electrocuting myself whilst listening to folk music. [singing gibberish] ♪ The hills of Donegal ♪ You can turn it up really fast as well. [sings gibberish] I had to stop ’cause I thought I was gonna shit myself. Then I had a real wake-up call. I did some warm up gigs and had my friend support me. Ed Gamble, who’s a young, beautiful comic. and then… Ed. You talk about weird things when you’re on the road together. And Ed, a much younger, prettier boy, he made very casual reference to when he got back to the hotel that night, he was gonna have a “tidy up” downstairs. And I went, “What?” He said, “I’m going to have a little.. trim downstairs.” -Sean? -Yes. [laughs] -Yeah. -You trimming? I have trimmed. You’re all trimming, aren’t you? All you men are trimming, and it passed me by, “manscaping.” I’m like, “What the fuck are you on about? Have a trim downstairs?” He goes, “Come on, Grandad. Everyone’s trimming.” Which men here are trimming? Just give me a cheer. [scattered cheering] Okay, fine. I didn’t know it was a thing. I missed it. I know that you women have been, you know…. So you wanna hear a thing that’s not gonna make it into the show? I was gonna say “waxing that rat.” Unbelievable. Snip, snip, out it comes. But it never occurred to me. I panicked. At the hotel, I thought, “I better check this out.” I took my clothes off, went to the bathroom, and I stood in front of the mirror to see how bad things were. Oh, my God. I had never noticed it before. A giant, graying ’70s afro. Awful! It looked like Don King was riding on the back of a depressed mini-elephant. I thought, “You’re never get another girlfriend. You fat prick. There’s only one person who’s gonna be interested in that.” And the fucking bear’s in hiding. So, I thought, “I’m gonna have to do something about this.” So I did. I went back to my bedroom, and I did something about it. Well, ladies and gentlemen… there were hairs down there like the mooring ropes of the Titanic. I knew I was in trouble ’cause I used my beard trimmer to do it. The motor started panicking when it hit bush. [imitates razor whirring] I(t’s like I was fucking angle-grinding. Took me 20 minutes to get the worst of it out. Five or six pounds of silvery bush on the floor. Looked like burnt tinsel. I went back to the full-length mirror to check out my handiwork. Very nice. Very nice. The pubes I’m talking about obviously, not what was beneath them. The mini-elephant was as depressing as ever, just lolling… “What are we doing?” “I was just… I was just trimming your pubes.” “Okay. Anything else?” “While we’re here, I suppose we could have a piss.” “Okay. [sputters] Not finished.” [groans] [sputters] “Okay. Bedtime.” Anyway… I went back to bed with a little spring in my step that night. I thought, “Yes, very nice, big man. You’ve rolled the clock back a few years there. Very nice.” I fell asleep… feeling pretty good about myself. In the morning… I allowed my hand to dance over the area. That’s always painful, I’ll be honest, because of my fucking talons. Didn’t feel right. Something felt wrong. Felt like someone had dropped a mini-pizza down there. I couldn’t be bothered to go to the bathroom, and as you can see, I can’t see my own genitals. So I made an extraordinary decision. I got my iPhone. And I took this picture here. Fuck me. It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And the flash scared the shit out of the elephant. And then above his head, there was just a halo of purple scabs. Disgusting! I’d had an allergic reaction to the trim. I went, “For fuck’s sake…” You’re a middle-aged man. Accept it. Accept it! And I vowed never to touch my pubis again. I went home, and… a few days later, I went to my local cafe in the park. I go to a cafe in the park. And I saw Elsie, a woman I’ve got to know really well. I went, “Hello, Elsie.” She went, “Hello, Greg.” And I went, “Hello, Elsie.” She said, “I haven’t seen you for ages.” I went, “I’ve been on tour.” She went, “Oh, lovely.” I said, “And before that, I was in Spain on holiday.” And she went, “Oh, I love Spain. I love it. ” I went, “It’s nice, isn’t it?” I said, “Would you like a cup of tea?” She goes, “I’d love one, darling.” I went, “Right, I’ll go get us one.” She goes, “Okay, here, before you go, you haven’t got any photos of your holiday, have you?” “Yes, I have, Elsie. Here on my iPhone. Why don’t you flick through them at your leisure… while I go and get the tea?” And I was holding the tray. “Oh, they’re lovely! What a lovely villa.” “Yes.” “Are these your friends?” “Yes, they’re my friends.” “Oh, lovely.” As they put the teapot on the tray, I remembered, and I went, “Ooh, fuck.” And the world went into slow motion. [grunts] “Elsie!” I got to her just as she swiped onto it. And she went… [shrieks] And I went, “Ooh!” And she went, “Hey!” And we locked eyes, and she was waiting for an explanation. And fuck me… This is what I said. “Oh! I made a trifle.” Doesn’t speak to me anymore. Why would she? Why would she speak to a man who tried to pass his cock and balls off as a dessert? I used to be a teacher. You know that? Teachers here tonight? -[cheering] -God bless you, you heroes. Look at this quote I found about you. “The best teachers are those that tell you where to look, but they don’t tell you what to see.” It’s true. I taught for 13 years, and I thought I was great. It’s the only thing that’s kept me going ’cause honestly, I fucking hate children, but I thought I was good. It’s the only thing that I’ve clung on to all these years. The kids liked me, and I never did them a disservice. I met some of them in the same week as I saw Elsie. I met some of my ex-pupils. I’ve got another quote for you now from one of them. See what you make of this. It’s a genuine quote. When I stopped to really think about it for ten seconds, I was shit. I was a drama teacher, which in itself is hilarious, right? You know when I knew I had to give up teaching? I was in my drama studio, and the kids were performing a play that they’d been working on for weeks while I smoked out the back of the drama studio, and I finally run out of time, and they had to perform them, and they were really excited and focused. And I realized someone was up in the lighting tower of the drama studio aggressively throwing Blu Tack into their faces while they were performing, and I mean really nastily, spitefully throwing it. It was bouncing off them, and they were going, “Get off, get off!” It was awful. And I knew I had to give up teaching when I realized that the person up there throwing that Blu Tack, that’s right, was me. It was me with the head of English, and we were laughing our bollocks off. It was at that point I realized… my perception of how I think people see me and other people’s perception are very different things. When you start to think about it, it panics you. And the worst thing is your perception, or rather your reputation, can be ruined like that. I’m gonna show you three quotes. They’re all from actual friends of mine. They’re so insane, they changed my view of that person, and I wrote it on my phone immediately. Right? The first one is from a 37-year-old science teacher. She could be teaching your children. I had a wild row with her in the pub because she said, and she fucking meant this… She thinks you can stretch yourself. I went to an urban zoo with a 40-year-old friend of mine, who’s a mother of two. She saw a turkey and she said this. “Happy Christmas, here’s your traditional massive male chicken.” But by far the worst, a 52-year-old friend of mine, who is a successful CEO of a company. I made reference to the irritating buzzing wings of a fly that was in the room, and he said this. He thinks flies are shouting. “Yeah! I’m a fly! I’m flying!” Presumably, when they stop and land, they’re having a fucking breath, are they? [panting] “Yeah. Let’s do this. Yeah! Fly!” Nothing that man can say will alter my new perception of him, that he is fundamentally thick as pig shit. That’s how easy it is to ruin your perception. And yet, some people seal a reputation. They seal a reputation not just for life, but for long after they’ve died. If I asked you to name me two famous lovers, who would you say? -[audience shouting] -Bonnie and Clyde. Great opener. Thank you. Any more? Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, of course. Posh and Becks I had last night. I’ll take it. The one I thought of was Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. They were married to each other three different times. And Burton allegedly said this about her, and I love it. Look at this quote. “I might run from her for a thousand years and she is still my baby child. Our love is so furious that we burn each other out.” Imagine. Imagine feeling that passionate about anyone. I read it and I began to… I thought, “I wonder if… there are any of my ex’s out there… might be feeling that sort of passion about me.” It’s unlikely to be the girl I went out with for the longest. I went out with someone for ten years, and on our first date, I pissed the bed. And I tried to blame her. That is true. It panicked me. I thought, “Am I leaving any legacy of passion behind me? Will anyone think…?” So I started going back through people I’ve dated, and then, I was in Bristol. -Anyone from Bristol here? -[scattered shouting] Well done. Well done for dressing yourselves. I was walking through Bristol, and I heard that accent. [mumbles] What are we doing? Going down the shops, are we? And it reminds me. I remember something. And it was a date. I thought, “This is the passionate story I can tell everyone. It was a date that I got set up on. My friend was going out with someone, and he invited me to meet her. They were gonna have a dinner party for me. Lovely. And when I got there, they’d invited her sister along as well. And I thought. “No, this is a set up.” I hate it. I hate being set up. But she was really sweet. She was really pretty. I thought, “Why not?” I was chatting to her over dinner. She had a very light Bristol accent. “How long are you down for, then, Greg? Just the weekend? You gonna make a weekend of it, are you? That’s nice.” I thought, “She seems sweet.” And then… she started to drink… very heavily. She was necking glasses of wine, like… [chugging] And her accent started to get a bit… “Are we having a nice time now?” I thought, “You’ve changed.” I carried on making polite chat, and I went, “What do you do?” She goes, “I work in a shop, don’t I?” [chugs] I went, “All right.” She said, “That’s not all I do.” I went, “No?” She goes, “No, on the weekends… I’m a hammer thrower.” I went, “You’re not a hammer thrower.” They went, “No, she is a hammer thrower. She’s really excellent.” I went, “Right!” As I was looking at them, she grabbed my hand… Bam! She put it on her thigh. Fuck me. It was like a tree trunk. And I went, “Oh.” And I looked at her, and she was waiting for my gaze. And she went, “Yeah. Now you believe I’m a hammer thrower, don’t you?” And I thought, “Oh. Oh, I’m frightened of you… because you’ve changed.” And I could see in her eyes, obviously riddled with cataracts, that she fancied a bounce on this. So I started to panic. The fear went through the roof when she went to the toilet, ’cause that girl has walked in perfectly normally, but now, it was like watching a fucking silverback. She was like… [grunts] I turned to my friend. “I know what’s going on here. You’re setting me up with this girl. Well, I’m not interested. They went, “She’s harmless.” I said, “She’s not harmless. She could take a fucking buffalo down.” From the toilet… [grunts] “That’s it. All finished, then. All shaken off.” At one point, I was chatting in the kitchen, and she ran past the hallway. I think she was just showing off. [grunts] And she ran into a room, and we heard, “Smash!” There had been a full length mirror against the wall. She ran in. She hit it… She horribly cut her hands open, and she was spraying blood round the room. [shouts] “I’m hurt.” I went, “Oh, my God! We’ve got to get to the hospital.” They went, “She’s always doing things like this when she’s drunk.” And my friend got some toilet roll, and he just filled her hands… until she had two… horrible, bloody… soggy cricket balls of gore in her hand. Then he got some Sellotape… and just wrapped them, like this. until she had two transparent, blooded stumps. I thought, “That’s gonna slow her down at least.” No, it fucking didn’t. If anything, the lobster claws made her more determined. [shouts] [shouts] Those two assholes went to bed, leaving me on my own with old fucking lobster claws. I go, “That’s it. I’m running away.” I went to the front door. I was just gonna run into the fields. I opened the front door. It was snowing. It was chucking. It was a snowstorm. And I went, “Ah, fuck!” And then, behind me… I heard the footsteps. “Oh, my God.” “What?” “It’s snowing!” And she ran into the snow. And I watched her disappear. And I thought, “Yeah… I think she may bleed to death tonight. And I think I’m going to let her.” Then I felt guilty and I followed her out. It was easy to find her. I followed the trail of blood in the snow. It’s like a scene from Fargo. When I got there, it was quite sweet, she was playing in the snow. I went, “Please, come in.” She went… [grunts] “You come get me.” “Yes, I did. I’m worried about you. Please come in.” She went… [grunts] “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you give me a little kiss.” And I went… [gasps] And I just… [kisses] I just gave her a peck. She whipped her face around. And even in that second… I got to find out that even her tongue was muscular. Like being pistol-whipped by a dry eel. And I talked her into coming in. She went… [grunts] She went to the toilet. As soon as she’d gone to the toilet, I ran upstairs. I went into the first empty bedroom I could find. I got onto the duvet and tried to make myself flat. She was gone for ages. With the wisdom of hindsight, I think she’d been for a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And I lay there… motionless… and then I heard the footsteps again. “Where have you gone? Ooh! I can see your big fat tummy.” And then she came… She got under the duvet. She started ferreting around and the duvet… came away from my face, and that’s when I realized for the first time that the whole ceiling in that place was one mirror. It was. I saw myself revealed… when the duvet fell away. I was tired. I was exhausted. I lost the will to fight. And the last thing I saw that night, ladies and gentlemen, reflected in the ceiling, was my own flaccid penis being masturbated by two bloodied stumps. I guess what I’m saying is, not all love stories are gonna go down in history, are they? Let’s have another quote. “Every child is an artist.” Picasso allegedly said that. “Every child is an–” Who’s got young children here? Honestly, what’s their art like? It’s fucking shit, isn’t it? I’ve got two nieces, seven and nine years of age. I love them dearly, but their art is fucking appalling. “What’s that?” “It’s a house.” “Is it?” “Who’s that next to it?” “The owner.” “Really? Why are they the same height?” “It’s called perspective, dipshit.” That’s okay, they’re children. It’s okay for children to make mistakes. It’s okay for children to be shit, because they’ll either get good, or they’ll find out they’re shit. What worries me a little more is when adults try and kid themselves about something. When I was still teaching, we had a guest speaker come to the school. It was the ex-World Champion boxer Chris Eubank. You may recognize him. Okay. Okay, I’m just gonna explain something to people who don’t realize. There are some people in this room who think I can’t do a good Chris Eubank impression. Those people are about to be proved extremely wrong. Chris came in, and he spoke to the children for– ready? Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours of… “Yes, the thing is… The thing is… when I was a pugilist… I would apply myself with the vigor of a lion.” He was amazing, you know. He walked up and down the front like this. The kids were sat out as you are. He walked up and down for three and a half hours going, “It doesn’t matter what you decide you want to be… You want to be an architect or whatever it is that you desire…” But he had a little trick up his sleeve. He’d written some poems. Original poems, which is interesting. And this is how he delivered them. “You must… Sometimes I would train for 12 to 14 hours. And when you decide what it is you want to do, I would urge you to remember this… always look at the man in the mirror and ask what you want him to be. ‘Cause the man in the mirror is not just you. The man in the mirror is me.” And as this lady will testify to, it scared the shit out of the children. Admittedly, Chris’ tits weren’t as sweaty as mine. And unlike me… Chris didn’t inhale your hair. [laughs] Why not, though? I’ve met Chris a few times. He’s a lovely bloke. Why not try some poetry out? I don’t want to be cynical. I would argue that perhaps Chris isn’t gonna be remembered as a poet. But he is gonna be remembered as a great boxer, so he’s got something covered there, but self-delusion can get dangerous. I was in a taxi again in London. It was driven by a Londoner with a thick London accent. He was one of those Cockneys who could get you whatever you want in life. He was like, “Yeah, yeah. What do you need? A zebra? No problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know a bloke in Rumford. He’s got a lock up full of the stripy cunts. Can’t shift them. They’re like weird horses, aren’t they? They’re like weird horses.” I was not in the mood for a chat, and he was a chatty taxi driver. I was sitting there going, “Please don’t talk.” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Then he said that thing you dread from some taxi drivers. He went, “Yeah, ’cause of course… I wasn’t always in this game.” And I went, “Ah, fuck. A life story.” I was always gonna talk to him. I’ve got manners. I was raised well by the woman whose teddy I fucked. So I now, “Go on, what did you used to do?” He goes, “I used to be in the old music game, as it goes.” I went, “Uh-huh. Yeah. What did you used to do?” He goes, “I was a bass player.” I went, “Right. Any bands I might have heard of?” He goes, “Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe.” I went, “Go on.” He goes, “For a long time I was in A-ha.” “You were in A-ha?” “Yeah, I was in A-ha.” “A-ha? ‘Take on Me’, A-ha?” “Yeah. ‘Take on Me’, A-ha. From Norway, yeah.” I went, “You weren’t in A-ha, mate.” He goes, “I was with them for years.” I went, “Mate! I know who A-ha are. They’re Mags, Pål… and Morten.” “Yeah, yeah.” “There was no you in A-ha.” He goes, “Yeah, yeah, I was.” And it fucking pissed me off. I’m in a bad mood, and I’ve got a fucking Cockney taxi driver telling me he was in A-ha. I started playing the scenario in my mind of Morten and the boys… “Yeah, boys, we don’t appear to have a bass player.” It’s not just Eubank I do, my friends. “Oh, dear boys.” Fuck you. I’ll do all three of them. “Oh, dear. We don’t appear to have a bass player. Do we, Pål?” “No, we don’t. We haven’t got a bass player.” “Oh, no. We need one, don’t we?” “Why don’t you ask Mags.” “Mags?” “Yes.” “We were just saying we need a…” “We do need a bass player.” “Well, what shall we do?” “Well, we have got some options.” Amazing, isn’t it? Amazing I’m still doing it, but I am gonna carry on. “Yes.” “What are our options?” “Well… We could go to a music school here in Norway where we could ask for a bass player. Yes. Or… or… or… we could get three flights, go to London and ask a fucking taxi driver.” It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit. If you don’t like your job, change your job. Don’t tell tired, grumpy people you used to be in fucking A-ha. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I was so wound up. I went and watched the video for “The Sun Always Shines on TV.” Now, here’s the thing… It was him. What are the fucking chances? It really was. Some people manage to… put out a positive… impression of themselves really easily, to the whole populous, nearly. I’ll give you an example, the seriously ill. That’s right. Yeah. No one has taken them down before. Here I am. What do you ever say about them? What ever gets said about the seriously ill? “How awful…” “Poor thing.” I went to Leicester to do a gig. And I got invited to Leicester’s biggest hospice… to do a day visit, and I thought, “Fuck! No!” But, of course, you can’t turn that offer down. I went,.I thought it would be the worst thing I’d ever have seen. And it was one of the most uplifting and wonderful places, and I said, “I can’t believe there’s any laughter going on in this place at all.” And the lady who runs it said, “Yeah, well, that’s the prejudice we’re fighting against, ’cause these people are still alive. And so, we want them to have good times.” You know? And it really got me, because… I avoid thinking about ill people. And when I thought about it, my own dad, who was ill for six years before he died… When I think back on him now, I just remember some pathetic, old, ill man. Right? And he was loads more than a pathetic, old, ill man. So I started to think, once she said that, “Were there any good times in that six years? Were there any fun times when he was ill?” And there were good times. There were times that we all laughed. I’ll give you one. When he couldn’t go to the toilet by himself, my mom used to let him piss into a Lenor fabric softener bottle. I went, “Why do you use that?” “It’s obvious. It’s got a large handle, a big opening at the top and ‘the refreshing smell of Lenor.'” I’ve changed your perception of my mom, haven’t I? She’s not a stupid old lady anymore. She’s a wonderful, caring wife, isn’t she? Strap yourselves in. I went home one day, there was a small bottle of Lenor on the side and a very angry mom. I went, “You all right?” She goes, “No, I’m not. They’ve redesigned it. They’ve redesigned it. No handle, no big aperture. I’m the laughingstock. I’ve recommended it to all my friends with ill husbands.” And I went, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Lenor ruined your system.” She goes, “It’s disgusting.” Then I heard some laughter from the other room. And it was my dad, in bed, laughing his head off. And he shouted, “Ask her what she did.” And I go, “What?” He goes, “Ask her what she did.” I went, “What did you do?” She goes, “He’s been lying in his bed taking a piss out of me all morning.” “What did you do?” [shrugs] “I wrote to them.” I had a vision of the head designer coming in and going, “Stop! It’s a wonderful bottle. It’s half the size, less liquid, more portable, but none of you have stopped to consider whether we can get an old man’s wang into this bottle.” Do you know what? Even on the day my dad died, there was some mirth… when me and my mom and my sister were standing round his bed on what I’ve always described as the worst day in my life so far. If you’ve lost someone, you know what this is like. We were standing there, waiting for the inevitable, and when I thought back to it, someone made us laugh. And if my dad had been more with it, he would’ve laughed his head off, too. It was a male nurse. He came into the room, and he said, “Ho! I am having a bad week.” And we all went, “Yep, it’s pretty bad over here as well.” He didn’t take the hint. He went, “Yep. It’s my son. He is fat. He is mega fat.” And we went, “Okay, sorry to hear about your fat son. It’s just… we’re kind of dealing with a thing over here.” And then he said this, “Yep. He’s ten stone… and he’s only six.” I’ve got to tell you, that’s when I walked away from my dying father. “Ten stone? A 140-lbs. six-year-old? I’m in. Fucking stop talking about your mega fat kid. A 140-lbs. six-year-old?” “Yeah. Super fat. Super fat.” And I went, “Jesus Christ, mate. What are you feeding him?” He said… arguably my favorite sentence I’ve ever heard. He said… “He eats a whole cooked chicken every day.” And that’s when my sister walked away from her dying father. She wanted to know about the six-year-old who’s gobbling an entire chicken every day. Who doesn’t want to know about the fat chicken kid? We all do. She goes,”You shouldn’t be feeding him a whole chicken every day…” He goes, “I’m not feeding him.” “He’s getting a whole chicken from somewhere.” “He helps himself.” My sister’s like, “Why don’t you stop him?” He said, “I can’t. He’s stronger than me. He pushes me out of the way of the fridge. There’s nothing I can do about it.” That’s when his luck changed, because my mom… stood up from her husband of 50 years, and I saw her mouth dry up, and she went, “What do you mean? What you mean there’s nothing you can do about it?” My mom is an old school disciplinarian, and I’ll tell you this now, if she were here, she would deny it, but it is fucking true. In fact, I want to get it on record. When I was a child, I wouldn’t eat my peas one Sunday, and she punched me in the face. And that is true. When she saw this show, she said, “I object to that, Greg. It wasn’t a punch. It was a flat palm.” She heard the sentence, “There’s nothing I can do about it.” She went, “What do you mean there’s nothing you can do about it? Stop a six-year-old from eating a whole chicken every day. Of course there’s something you can do.” He goes, “There’s nothing I can do.” And she said, “For God’s sake, man, don’t cook him a chicken.” And we all pissed ourselves laughing in unison when he shouted back at her. He went, “No! That’s the problem. He cooks it himself!” Oh, man. So… inevitably, my dad died. If you’ve lost someone, you know how shit that is. We were very close. I want to fast forward two and a half years to Christmas two and a half years ago. My sister had brought the kids home and my brother-in-law, and we were sitting in the front room about to watch the Queen’s speech. Of course, a big tradition in Britain. Three o’clock on Christmas day, lots of people sit down and listen to the Queen has to say about the year that’s gone behind us. My mom never misses it. Now… I did an award-winning fart. It ripped through the room like fork lightning. I knew it was a classic, ’cause the Queen hadn’t spoken yet, but it caused my mom to leave the room. My sister said this to me. She said, “You know I’ve just realized.” I went, “Go on.” “I’ve just realized your farts, they sound exactly like Dad’s.” Now… my dad was an academic, a world traveler, the funniest man I’ve ever met. He would’ve bored you himself. He once played cricket with the King of Jordan. And I thought to myself, “Hmm, I wonder… Is that the epitaph he would have dreamt of? That he has passed down anus genes to his son. That the strongest genetic… gift he gave his son… was the same anus.” I thought… If I’m gonna talk about him in a show, I’m gonna put a better epitaph out there. So I started thinking of pithy things I could sum my dad up with. He was a very funny man, he used to lie to us all the time for fun, to amuse himself. He once told us he was bitten by shark off the coast of North Wales. He was a very proud Welshman, my dad. And when my sister used to get mad and go, “Why do you lie to us?” He’d go, “Because the truth is so boring.” And I thought, “That’s a great epitaph.” And I thought another epitaph could be the time that I wound him up when I was a teenager, and he grabbed me by the throat once and pushed me against the wall and said, “Don’t mess with me, you fuck pig.” Which is an extraordinary epitaph. Do you know what I’ve realized? You can’t write an epitaph. Think about someone you’ve lost and been close to. It’s impossible to sum a human being up with a pithy thing. It’s not possible, because there are a thousand different things to a thousand different people, just as we all are, as well. You can’t do it. You cannot try and convince everyone that you’re all right. With all that said… I hope you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna leave you tonight with a small tribute to my dad. We once did a long trip to Wales. And on that road trip, he said to me, “You know nothing of Wales, do you? You know nothing of your heritage. of Welsh culture?” And I don’t. He’s right. I didn’t then, and I don’t now. And I couldn’t give a shit. Sorry if you enjoyed Who Do You Think You Are? [laughs] Not true, of course. I said, “What do you want me to do?” He said, “Learn some Welsh.” I went, “Let’s go.” He said, “I’m gonna teach you a song.” I said, “Teach me a song.” He goes, “A traditional Welsh folk song.” And I tried to learn it. In three hours, I learned two lines, because Welsh as a language is insane. But I learned those two lines, and he was thrilled that I’d done it. I could see it in his eyes, and I’ve never forgotten them. So if you’ll indulge me, I’m gonna leave you by singing those two lines tonight. [clears throat] Thank you. [singing in Welsh] Thanks. Thanks. It was… It was years later, I sang that song to my Welsh friend, and he said, “What the fuck?” I said, “It’s a Welsh folk song.” He goes, “It’s not a Welsh folk song. Do you want me to translate it?” I went, “Go on.” [speaks Welsh] “The monkey is in the tree playing with its potatoes.” It doesn’t even make sense. [speaking Welsh] “The squirrel is under the table, ram it up my ass.” That tells you more about my dad than a thousand epitaphs ever could. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t like to leave things unfinished. So I have finished that song since my dad’s died, using as many of the beautiful animals in God’s glorious Kingdom as I could. I’ve tried to match the tone. I’ve had it converted into Welsh for you. And I think, arguably, I’ve gone further than anyone would ever go, in that I’ve hired a male voice choir to sing it for me. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Phoenix Choir of Wales. A tribute to my father. And if your father’s gone, let it be a tribute to him, too. Please, enjoy. ♪ The farmer’s wife was very vexed ♪ ♪ He’d been acting very odd ♪ ♪ She asked, “What the hell is wrong with you?” ♪ And this was his reply ♪ ♪ The reply ♪ ♪ The monkey is up the tree ♪ ♪ Playing with its potatoes ♪ ♪ And the squirrel is under the table ♪ ♪ Ram it up my arse ♪ [Greg] So beautiful. ♪ She said, “Leave that squirrel alone ♪ ♪ Or we’re heading For a nasty divorce” ♪ ♪ “Pray, look upon the wren,” he said ♪ ♪ It’s licking out the horse ♪ If you feel emotional, just let it out. It’s fine. ♪ The crow has slapped its tits All night ♪ ♪ The otter’s balls are very long ♪ ♪ I saw the stoat shaving its clam ♪ ♪ Get that squirrel up my wrong ♪ ♪ Up my hole ♪ ♪ The cat felt up the spider ♪ ♪ And his bellend went really stiff ♪ ♪ Two bison 69’d ♪ ♪ And a rhino flashed its snatch ♪ ♪ These animals aren’t even on the farm ♪ ♪ His poor wife cried out ♪ ♪ Don’t let the zebra hear ♪ ♪ He’s gay without a doubt ♪ ♪ Go and see a shrink ♪ ♪ About your problems, my dear ♪ ♪ “The squirrel is under the table,” He cried ♪ ♪ Now ram it up my arse ♪ For our fathers. For our fathers, ladies and gentlemen. The Phoenix Choir of Wales, please. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s amazing to be back in London. Thank you so much for coming to see me. I had such a great time. Take care of yourselves. Thank you. ♪ Now usually I don’t do this But go ahead ♪ ♪ And break ’em off with a little preview Of the remix ♪ ♪ Now I’m not trying to be rude ♪ But, hey, pretty girl, I’m feeling you ♪ ♪ The way you do the things you do Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪ ♪ That’s why I’m all up in your grille ♪ ♪ Trying to get you to a hotel ♪ ♪ You must be a football coach ♪ ♪ The way you got me playing the field ♪ ♪ So, baby, give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running my hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ While they saying on the radio ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪ ♪ Mama rolling that body Got every man in here wishin’ ♪ ♪ Sippin’ on coke and rum I’m like, “So what? I’m drunk ♪ ♪ It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on ♪ ♪ Now it’s like Murder She Wrote ♪ ♪ Once I get you out them clothes ♪ ♪ Privacy is on the door ♪ ♪ But still they can hear you Screaming more ♪ ♪ Girl, I’m feeling what you feeling No more hoping and wishing ♪ ♪ I’m about to take my key And stick it in the ignition ♪ ♪ So give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running her hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ While they saying on the radio ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪ ♪ Mama rolling that body Got every man in here wishin’ ♪ ♪ Sippin’ on coke and rum I’m like, “So what? I’m drunk ♪ ♪ It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby I’m about to have me some fun ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce, come on ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Griffin: Undeniable (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-undeniable-2018-full-transcript/

[♪♪♪] [notification beep] [♪♪♪] [cheers and applause] [♪♪♪] What’s happening, y’all? Wassup, Boston? [cheers] Go on, sit down sit down, y’all. Let’s get at it! Yes, indeed, feedeede. I had to come to Boston and finish it off ’cause right now, n i g g a, the world is fucked up, n i g g a. N i g g a, you got hurricanes the size of Texas, y’understand me? And it’s attackin’ the motherfuckers that voted for the orange motherfucker. [applause and cheers] ‘Cause y’all know every hurricane start on the coast of Africa where they picked us up at. Them ain’t hurricanes. Them is ol’ n i g g a’s spirits. You motherfuckers! [cheers and applause] It’s all about white privilege, n i g g a. Don’t get it twisted with this orange avengin’ motherfucker they got in the White House. Yeah, that’s what I call him, the Orange Avenger. ‘Cause white people want a hero, n i g g a. Y’know what I mean? It’s after eight years of Obama, they like “We need somebody to save us from the tyranny of n i g g a s.” Who is it? The Orange Avenger! I don’t understand you white folks. Y’all are really some pussy motherfuckers. I ain’t gonna fight with ya or mix words. I’m not gonna give you an excuse for your innate ability to be racist motherfuckers and think everybody else supposed to deal with your shit. You need to get the fuck over yourself. [cheers and applause] Y’all soft. You couldn’t handle eight years of a n i g g a bein’ in charge. N i g g a, we dealt with 450-plus years of you motherfuckers runnin’ this country in the ground. We didn’t go crazy. [cheers] Y’understand me? Y’all fucked it up for 400-plus years. It only took us eight years to fix it. Y’all been back for eight or nine months and fucked it up again. [cheers and applause] White people, sometimes you gotta let go and let God. How you vote for a orange motherfucker? I thought y’all said y’all hated colored people. You don’t get more colored than this motherfucker. He orange with pissy yellow hair. Look like he spent the night at R. Kelly house. [cheers and applause] And the motherfucker dirt dumb! I don’t even know if y’all know what dirt dumb is. This motherfucker is so dumb he had a thought and it hurt. He lie every time he opens his mouth. He told broke white people whatever they wanted to hear. That’s how he got they vote. [Man] Yeah! All the trailer trash wanna know is that they better than a n i g g a. [Man] Yeah. – Trump promised them everything. “I promise you gonna be better than the n i g g a.” “Trump said we gonna be better than a n i g g a. I’m gonna be better than that Jagger-Jagger n i g g a. I’m gonna be better than that Diddy-Diddy n i g g a. I’m gonna be better than that Griffin n i g g a. [shouting] Better than a n i g g a.” Y’ain’t better than a n i g g a yet, are you? And then he promised them a wall. Where y’all wall at, white folks? What happened to the wall? Where is this– There’s no wall. ‘Cause the wall ain’t comin’, you stupid motherfuckers. And he always talking that shit, “Well, China built the Great Wall of China.” Here’s what this orange motherfucker don’t understand. There’s about one trillion Chinese. If each one of them grab a brick and toss it: wall. It wasn’t that hard. It probably took 35 seconds. There’s only 270 million Americans. Most of us are incarcerated. We ain’t got enough motherfuckers outta jail to pick up a brick! And let’s say they actually gave this fool the billions of dollars it would cost to build this monstrosity. N i g g a, let me show you how easy it is for a Mexican to circumvent this shit. The wall’s gonna end on the coast, right? California. That means it’s gonna end at the ocean. Here’s all the Mexican gotta do… Walk right around that motherfucker. They so racist they stupid. You can’t stop a Mexican. Shit. N i g g a, I got a Mexican. You’re not gettin’ mine. Every n i g g a in here got a Mexican. No black man has cut our own yard since ’94, ’95. A Mexican will cut a football field, n i g g a. Five dollars. Ask a n i g g a to cut some grass. We go, “I’ll cut your motherfuckin’ throat.” “N i g g a, I sell dope. I make ten G’s a day. Bitch, what’s your problem? Fuck outta here with that fuckboy shit.” Let me explain somethin’ to you. You better hope the Mexicans don’t go nowhere. They pick all the vegetables, all the fruits. N i g g a, they’ll pick a whole field for 25 cents. [applause] You get rid of Mexicans, n i g g a, your carrot is gonna cost $3,000. Salads is goin’ up to $1,500, n i g g a. And if you motherfuckers think a n i g g a is goin’ back to pick anything… [cheers and applause] My pickin’ years are over, motherfucker! [cheers] All we gonna do is pick what side of the jaw to crack you in, you motherfucker. N i g g a, we had the smartest president in the history of this country. [Woman] Yes! – With Barack Obama. [cheers and applause] If you don’t agree with that statement, pffft, go home, look in the mirror, you a racist motherfucker. Barack Obama taught law at Harvard University. Harvard, the number one law school on Earth. That mean that n i g g a’s the law. That’s why Congress couldn’t fade him for eight years, n i g g a. He’s smarter than all of them. “This n i g g a’s a different kind.” “This one here’s a thinker.” “What ya gonna do about it?” “Not a goddamn thing!” “We ain’t gonna do shit for eight years, and we ain’t gonna give this jigaboo an extra dollar.” They didn’t give that brotha an extra dollar for eight years. And he still balanced the budget. ‘Cause you white folks forgot somethin’ about us n i g g a s. N i g g a s know how to do the most with the least. [cheers and applause] [whistles] See, Barack treated the whole country like a n i g g a treat our household budget. You go on, now n i g g a s know how to move money. “You gonna pay that?” “No, n i g g a move that over there.” “Ain’t you gonna pay the gas bill?” “Fuck no! It’s summertime. Pay the electric bill. We need the air conditioning. If ya’ pay the gas bill in the wintertime, motherfucker. We need the heat. Priorities, motherfucker. Priorities.” They hated Obama, n i g g a, because he was everything they wished they could be. [Man] That’s right. N i g g a, Obama has swag, n i g g a. [Man] Yeah. – Obama walk in the room. N i g g a, the room shut down. [screech noise] The n i g g a had jokes for that ass. We had the finest First Lady. [Audience] Yeah! – In the history of this motherfuckin’ country. In my humble opinion. If Michelle, so motherfuckin’ fine, intelligent n i g g a. Chocolate mother. She had an ass, n i g g a… You know what I mean? It’s the first time there was an ass in that goddamn raggedy White House. She was too much a queen to even be in that fucked-up shit. Every time she walked out the front door of the White House, n i g g a, the whole country said, “Goddamn!” Secret Service used to walk behind her. “Here, let me carry that, help you. Help you carry that.” Now you got this flat booty, ironin’ board back Trump wife. N i g g a, she ain’t got no ass at all. She come out, the whole country like, “Whatever.” Secret Service standin’ next to her and, “Hmmpf, there’s nothin’ back there to guard.” “Come on. When I move, you move just like that.” I don’t even think she’s Trump’s wife. Yeah, you better see in to CNN. Come with me for a minute. I think this bitch is Putin’s number one KGB female agent. [cheers and applause] ‘Cause I know a killer when I see one. I grew up in the projects. That bitch got a 40-yard stare. She done killed before. She got a lotta bodies on her, n i g g a. You can look at that bitch stare. N i g g a, she on assignment like a motherfucker. Hell yeah, n i g g a s. ‘Cause she front his ass off every chance she get. He be tryin’ to shake her hand, she be like, “Don’t you touch me. You’re the worst assignment I’ve ever been given. I’m waiting on Vladimir to give me the call. I’ll kill your orange ass in your sleep.” [applause] That’s why that motherfucker don’t sleep, n i g g a. He up late Tweetin’ like a motherfucker, “Help me. Help me.” There’s a Jerry Springer show goin’ on in that goddamn White House. I don’t know what you ooohin’ for. He said it hisself on TV. [Man] Yes, he did! Didn’t this motherfucker? He said, “N i g g a, if that wasn’t my daughter, she’s so fine, we’d be fuckin’.” I got three daughters. Every man in here that got a daughter, n i g g a, you don’t look at your daughter sexually. The fact that that came outta that maggot motherfucker’s brain lets you know what kinda sick individual you fuckin’ with. [cheers and applause] Let me explain somethin’ to my white friends here. Y’all don’t really know or appreciate how lucky you were that Obama was the first black president. That is truly the nicest n i g g a America could produce. For if it was any other n i g g a in here, including me… Day one of the Griffin Administration, right after the inn i g g aration… [cheers] White slavery! [cord cracking] Payback’s a bitch! Y’all’d’ve been some cotton-pickin’ motherfuckers. Under that Griffin Administration. Now don’t get me wrong. I’d be nice to my white slaves. I’d let y’all pick cotton at night. That way your skin don’t burn up. You got to let your white slaves work the night shift. As soon as the sun go down, “Goddammit, here we go again!” And let’s keep it 100, y’all. I think white people coulda been slaves for about five minutes. No, they too arrogant, n i g g a. They’d be out in the field, “This is some fuckin’ bullshit! Do you have any sunscreen? I’m fuckin’ peelin’! It’s fuckin’ hot, master. It’s fuckin’ hot. I’m gonna sue you, master n i g g a. I’m gonna sue you, master.” [laughs] [hand hitting mic] N i g g a, the black slave owners come out on their porch. “Go on and let ’em go. They didn’t pick nothin’ no goddamn way. All they do is lay on the ground and bitch about how hot it is. Them motherfuckers keep singin’ outta tune. Don’t nobody wanna hear that shit.” ‘Cause n i g g a, when we were indentured servants out in that hot motherfuckin’ sun pickin’ cotton, we wasn’t on the ground bitchin’ about the heat. Them brothas and sistas were strong, n i g g a. N i g g a, they still had a song in their heart. They was out there singin’ their ass off. ♪ Jesus why ♪ ♪ Come on down and kill that honky Jesus ♪ Y’all remember that one? N i g g a, that was a Top Ten Negro spiritual. Fuck y’all, n i g g a. That motherfucker went quadruple cotton. See, we didn’t have platinum back then. [sigh] I see some of you motherfuckers lookin’ at me like, “He gonna sing ‘Go Down, Moses.'” I don’t go back that far. I sing “Kill That Honky.” [laughs] N i g g a, if you had white slaves out in the field singin’, they’d be fuckin’ a good song up. ♪ “Fuckin’ ain’t right ♪ ♪ Oh no yeah right kee-kee-kee-ha” ♪ N i g g a, the black master come out on his porch, “What that motherfucker singin’? Oh, no! Fuck that. Kill that motherfucker. Ain’t no devil worshippin’ on this plantation. This here the Lord’s plantation, motherfucker. What the fuck is a kee-kee-kee-ha? Now clear out. I’ll pick the cotton my goddamn self.” “Hey, hey, slow down, n i g g a. Slow your ass down. Now don’t you touch that big-booty white girl.” “No, master, I was right here on my porch. I swear that she didn’t do nothin’. As for the rest of them. Get them. Leave that big-booty white girl alone. Master Dick don’t discriminate. Now, I don’t like ’em, but my dick say they all right.” “Come right this way. Come on. Now get on in there. We gonna make some little niglets.” ‘Cause what’s ailin’ our beautiful country is racism. [Woman] Yes! – Pussy can cure racism. It has already. You wanna fix this country, start fuckin’! If you don’t believe me, it’s already happenin’. Look around the room. There go two of them right there. That white boy gave up. “Oh, fuck it. I’m with the n i g g a s.” ‘Cause pussy cure racism, man. That redneck motherfucker be talkin’ careshit. “Who bein’ fucked by a n i g g a? Fuck them porch monkeys.” That motherfucker get some of that chocolate pussy… [groans and moans] “Well, you know they’re human.” [cheers and applause] [laughs] N i g g a be talkin’ careshit. “Man, fuck them honky motherfuckers. I don’t trust them crackers.” N i g g a gets some of that kink-pink. You know we got a longer stroke, n i g g a. [applause] N i g g a, there’s this ol’ sayin’. I’m sure the older brothas and sistas in here done heard it before me, and it still holds water today, n i g g a. If God made somethin’ better than pussy, he kept it for himself. [applause] N i g g a, I don’t think there’s a man in this room on this Earth that can handle somethin’ better than pussy. Pussy already break your wallet. Dicks don’t break purses. Countries have gone to war over pussy. There are no dick wars. Pussy will leave with your house. I don’t think you hear me. There’s a bitch walkin’ outta a courtroom right now somewhere on Earth with a brand-new house after the divorce. That bitch walk out, “Girl, what you get?” “I got the house.” You ain’t never seen dick walk outta courtroom with shit! “Hey, my dude, what you get?” “N i g g a, I gotta get a job. Yeah. I gotta pay alimony. Mony, mony, child support. I ain’t even gettin’ the pussy no more, man!” Pussy get free shit. No woman in my audience tonight shoulda bought a motherfuckin’ ticket to my show. Pussy get free shit. Look at the dumb bitches in here, “I’m doin’ it all wrong.” You sure is, you stupid motherfucker. Pussy get free shit! “Hey, baby, I wanna see Eddie Griffin. Give me 240 n i g g a tickets. My pussy wanna laugh.” “I’m hungry.” “Feed my pussy. Whatever it want, on me. I got it.” “I wanna see a movie.” “Two tickets for the pussy, please. Give the pussy some popcorn, too. Small Coke. The bitch got diabetes. I don’t want her dyin’ on me.” [cheers and applause] [laughs] Pussy get free shit! Dick don’t get shit free. N i g g a, ask your woman for somethin’ to eat. “Look in the ‘frigerator, n i g g a. Somethin’ in there.” “Hey, baby, I’d like to see a movie.” “We got cable, n i g g a. Turn it on.” The only time dick gets free shit is when you come off the ceiling on the pussy. Now I see you young motherfuckers lookin’ at me like, “Oh, hey, what’s that mean?” The older brothas in here, like, “You know it, n i g g a.” When you come off the ceiling, you young motherfuckers, that’s when you go up so high on the upstroke, the ceiling fan smack you in the ass. You gotta beat a pussy up, n i g g a. [cheers] You gotta hit that motherfucker in the mouth. Wham! You gotta swell that bitch up, n i g g a. You gotta make it look like a wasp’s nest stung it. N i g g a, you gotta give pussy a ten count. Pussy out! If you did it right, that bitch gotta soak in some Epsom salt for a couple of days. And look at the little-dick motherfuckers in here. “It really happen like that?” Yeah, little motherfucker. N i g g a, I’m handlin’ my business. You know, I ain’t gonna sit up here and brag, n i g g a, but you know, I get return visits. You know when you doin’ somethin’, n i g g a. You fly into their town or country… ’cause I’m an international n i g g a. I get around. [laughs] And they like, “You with anybody tonight? You wanna reminisce?” ‘Cause you done put that… I’m handlin’ my n i g g a. Before I flew out here to shoot this, n i g g a, my wife’s sittin’ in the kitchen, n i g g a, and she said, “Yeah, I wish I could cut your dick off before you leave.” I said, “Excuse me?” I was in a state of shock, too, n i g g a. I just backed up. You know, the bitch had a knife in her hand. She was cookin’, but fuck the dumb shit. I ain’t takin’ no chance. I said, “So what the fuck is that all about?” She like, “That way I know when you get to Boston, n i g g a, you just filmin’, not out there fuckin’ around. I’m tired of you comin’ home with new children.” [chatter and laughter] I didn’t have no answer for that new. I got ten kids, n i g g a. I ain’t tellin’ on myself. Quieter than a motherfucker. I was mad, too, n i g g a. I’m sittin’ in the kitchen. “This bitch ain’t gonna hit me with a zinger. I’m the comedian in this motherfuckin’ family. I’m the n i g g a that tell the jokes. You don’t hit me with a one-liner and shut me the fuck up. Shit, who the fuck do you think you is, bitch? You outta your motherfuckin’ mind. I’ll fuck you…” Said all that shit to myself. She had the knife in her hand. I ain’t stupid, you know. I almost missed the flight gettin’ here, n i g g a, because I hate losin’, n i g g a. I don’t know how to lose, n i g g a. So, n i g g a, I’m sittin’ there ’til my brain turned back on. I’m like, “This bitch ain’t just gonna leave me with this shit.” N i g g a, my brain finally turned back on. Said, “What you got against kids? Just ’cause they ain’t yours?” That bitch threw that knife, n i g g a. And see, I made it here safely. I was thinkin’ about the shit on the flight, n i g g a. I said, “Damn.” Now all this time I thought she was gettin’ upset over stupid shit ’cause I live in Vegas, n i g g a. Like comin’ home the next afternoon.” I’m tryin’ to win my money back, n i g g a. And immediately she think a n i g g a fuckin’. “You out there fuckin’.” “Not all the time.” I’m an honest n i g g a. Not all the time. N i g g a, I was thinkin’ about it. N i g g a, I said, “N i g g a, it’s the dickin’.” This whole time I’m thinkin’ this shit is about time. Fellas, it ain’t about time. It’s about the dickin’. See, if you dick her down properly, now the Knights of the Round Table know what I’m talkin’ about. You little-dick motherfuckers, just think about it. But if you dick her down properly, her brain becomes dicktified. Root word, addickted. N i g g a, all she think about is your dick 24 hours a day. N i g g a, you walk outta your house, that bitch like, “The dick is leavin’. Who the dick leavin’ with? You know, when you left here yesterday, I called the dick on the phone. The dick didn’t answer. What is the dick doin’?” N i g g a, if you dick ’em down proper, you take three steps outta your house, a female mind immediately comes up with scenarios that have nothin’ to do with reality. N i g g a, you go uno, dos, tres, “Bye, baby.” “Hold it, n i g g a. Who you think you foolin’? You think I’m stupid, don’t ya? Talkin’ about you goin’ to shoot. Pool, Eddie. Ain’t nobody shot pool since 1973. You out there fuckin’, you little black motherfucker!” I started thinkin’ about this shit. Fellas, if we had detachable dicks, and ladies, be honest with your motherfuckin’ self, y’all wouldn’t give a fuck if we ever came in. N i g g a, we could stay gone for a week, two weeks maybe. Her girlfriend will come over. “I ain’t seen your husband. Every time I come over here, that n i g g a ain’t here. Did y’all get into an argument or somethin’? Y’all get a divorce?” She like, “No girl. Shit, Eddie left, when was it? Last Friday? Oh, the n i g g a ain’t doin’ nothin’, though, ’cause the dick is in the drawer.” “The dick is in the drawer. You wanna play with it?” “N i g g a, your ass really somewhere shootin’ pool? You talkin’ careshit. Yeah, n i g g a. Two times off the rail corner pocket. N i g g a, I done beat you two games, n i g g a. Ain’t nobody set your ass up. Put your money where your mouth is, n i g g a. Otherwise close it. Your breath smells like you had a shit sandwich.” “Hold on there, n i g g a. [groans] Y’all play without me. My wife is playin’ with my dick again. She lettin’ her girlfriend play.” Ladies, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. See, if my wife got the bomb, that’s why she got the ring. “Baby, where you goin’?” “Uh– we gonna go out. It’s girls’ night out.” [laughter] “Put the pussy in the drawer. Put the pussy in the motherfuckin’ drawer. Take them lips off. In the drawer. Oh, bitch, you ain’t goin’ nowhere with that throat. In the drawer. Take them titties off, bitch. Right on top. In the drawer. You ain’t goin’ nowhere with that right hand, either, bitch. In the drawer.” Them bitches meet up at the club, like, [mumbling] “He wouldn’t let me leave with my ass.” [applause] “He wouldn’t let me leave with my ass.” N i g g a, you know one of them bitches show up blind. “He told me he don’t want me lookin’ at nobody.” [applause] I’m just sayin’, ladies, y’all got more shit you gonna have to come up off of. That hair, in the motherfuckin’ drawer. Them eyelashes. They ain’t yours. No goddamn way. In the motherfuckin’ drawer. And bitch, take them motherfuckin’ feet off. Some of these n i g g a s got foot fetishes. N i g g a, I get done with my wife, she gonna be a motherfuckin’ head. I’ll grab her by her eye-not-havin’-ass and roll her out the door. “Have fun, baby! I hope y’all goin’ bowlin’. That’s all the fuck you gonna be able to do. I’m gonna fuck the shit out your body while you’re gone.” I told you, n i g g a, I’m comin’ to hurt you. I don’t do chuckles, n i g g a. [chuckles] I’ll hurt you, n i g g a. You’ll leave my show with a six-pack. “Hey, n i g g a, where you been trainin’ at?” “That Eddie Griffin show, n i g g a. That n i g g a tighten your shit right up, n i g g a.” N i g g a, you remember when… N i g g a, you remember when you was 16? How many fellas in here remember when you was 16, n i g g a? You remember, n i g g a, we could fuck seven to nine times a day? [sigh] Well, some of you motherfuckers got a short libido, n i g g a. Seven to nine wasn’t shit for me, n i g g a. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in-between, late-night snack, before breakfast. N i g g a, when you was 16, n i g g a, you bust a nut, your shit come right back in ten seconds. “Oh, yeah. Oh, you was good, bitch. Hey, we ain’t done.” N i g g a, when I got in my 20s, I could still go, n i g g a. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, late-night snack, early mornin’. N i g g a, you get in your 30s, “Hey, you wanna fuck before we go to work or when we get off?” Your ass start gettin’ tired, n i g g a. N i g g a, you get in your 40s, “Uh, look, we gonna fuck Monday…” “Wednesday…” “You wanna do Friday after work?” “Or Saturday after the club?” N i g g e r, you get in your 50s… [laughter] “Thursday good for me.” “Thursday? Oh, no! We ain’t doin’ shit on the weekend, bitch. That mouth’s been drivin’ this n i g g a crazy.” “Sunday’s out, bitch. I’m watchin’ the game.” “I said Thursday. Thursday. Thursday then. Yeah.” N i g g a, you get 60, 70, “Uh, lookie here, we gonna fuck December 17. At approximately 4:37. I’m gonna put a strong three minutes on ya. Then I’ll see your ass again next year. If we still alive.” ‘Cause the older we get, n i g g a, God put a tickin’ clock on our dick. It has to die, n i g g a. You ain’t supposed to have children when you’re 77. You won’t be alive to see the motherfucker graduate grade school. That’s why every year it die a little bit more. [groans] But now you got these old n i g g a s be cheatin’. Yeah, they got them Jesus pills. Yeah, that’s what I call them, n i g g a. Them Viagras be givin’ the n i g g a res-erections. Get it? Res-erections, Jesus pill? This motherfucker slower than my mother. You know when you done caught one of these cheatin’ motherfuckers, ladies, because they be at a club with nothin’ but 30-year-olds, and they ass on the dancefloor, n i g g a. The one they got there. “Yeah! Yeah! I’m back in the game! I’m back in the game. Ah, ah!” N i g g a, they be tryin’ to holler at them young things. “Hey, hey, hey, what you say over there, candy? Which one of you bitches wanna automobile?” They so old, they don’t call it a car, n i g g a. “Automobile.” And don’t laugh, ladies. Y’all be fadin’ them old motherfuckers. [laughs] “Girl, where you goin’?” “I’m goin’ to get me an automobile.” ‘Cause they know them old motherfuckers can’t fuck longer than ten seconds. N i g g a, they be on them pills. [groans] “Felt my heart jump outta my chest. Slow down, goddammit. I asked for some pussy, not a casket. [applause] Oooh, aaah! [groans] I’m goin’ home. Keep the automobile. Tell your girlfriends about Sweet Papa Willow. I’ll see you next year. Oh, goddamn, this thing won’t go down. I shoulda put my glasses on when I read the instructions. I think I took too many of them. Oh, I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in the mother… I just gotta fuck somethin’, dammit. Shit!” [mic hitting wall] They want every one of our black entertainers, me included, n i g g a, to have a [indistinct]. If you in my business and you black, you not gonna die clean. They got Tiger Woods. But Tiger helped ’em. That n i g g a fucked around and married him a white woman. Now nothin’ against you white women in here, but this n i g g a here, no. [laughs] No and no, and hell no. [laughs] See, I do research. Every famous n i g g a that’s been with a white woman got problems. O.J.’s still fucked up. His white woman been dead for years. N i g g a’s still fucked up! Lookit, they got Tiger Woods. He married one. And n i g g a, she got a divorce, and she left with damn near half a billion dollars, man. This bitch ain’t hit one golf ball. So you ladies gettin’ outta hand with that motherfuckin’ “I’m takin’ half of your shit” shit. How you an independent bitch and runnin’ away with money? If you was here for money… see, if you leave with money, and this is my honest opinion about the shit. Bitch, if we equal, I came with dick, you came with pussy. Let’s leave with what we got. [applause] How y’all keep tryin’ to make pussy higher case value than dick? ‘Cause the bitch always say this shit, “I gave you all this pussy.” “Bitch, I gave you all this dick!” “We even, motherfucker.” And then at the end, they say, “I want half.” See, that’s called bein’ a ho. See, if it wasn’t about money, bitch, what you want money for at the end? See, I’d rather a real ho. They just tell you up front, “$500 tonight, n i g g a, one hour.” Not these long-term sneaky hoes. “I don’t want your money, Eddie.” ‘Til they’re in the divorce court. “I want it all, n i g g a. “You been fuckin’ me for years.” “Yep. That’s what people do when they together, motherfucker.” This bitch left with half a billion dollars. N i g g a, not on my watch. She lucky she wasn’t my wife, n i g g a. They’d have found her. I swear to God, n i g g a. Let me explain somethin’ to you beautiful ladies in my audience tonight. I love each and every one of you motherfuckers, but not one of y’all got a pussy worth half a billion dollars. Now, it might be some $250 pussies up in this motherfucker… It might be some $2,500 pussies up in this motherfucker… Might be some $10,000 on a Saturday, n i g g a, because you been wantin’ to fuck Halle Berry for a while. But it ain’t no half a billion dollar pussies on Earth. N i g g a s, trying to take that bitch fishin’. That’s why billionaires have yachts. [applause] “What happened to her?” “She fell overboard. I tried to save her.” N i g g a, we get back to shore, I’ll put seaweed around my own neck. “I jumped in. I tried everything. To save that bitch. I mean my wife.” “What happened to her?” “The sharks just ate her up. Them white sharks. Yeah. They racist. They only eat white people.” That’s why they call them great white sharks. They only eat white people. Even the shark is racist in this goddamn country. They asked the shark, “Would you eat a n i g g a?” “No, no. They’re tough. I tried one. I lost a lot of teeth. They fight back.” Mexicans…[laughs], Mexicans, y’all don’t know how good y’all got it. You know, even though they got all this shit. They fuckin’ with Mexicans now with this DACA shit and all this. They fuckin’ with really the brain drain that comes from India and other motherfuckin’ nations that got a better education system that come over here to get educated and run these motherfuckin’ companies. N i g g a, they fuckin’ with the Mexicans, n i g g a, for some fuckin’ reason. I’m here to tell you, n i g g a. Um, [sighs] Mexicans, y’all don’t know how good you got it. See, when white people fuck with y’all, Mexico right next door. Yeah. You can walk home. N i g g a, if Africa was that close… Now you get what the fuck I’m talkin’ about. N i g g a, that first whip [mimics whipping sound], “Get the children. We are walking home. Get the children, woman. We’re gettin’ outta this motherfucker. Who do you think you are hitting me, you son of a bitch! I do not work for free, you motherfucker. My name is not Tyrone. It is not motherfuckin’ Leroy. It is Shaka. Fuck you! Get the woman. Children, let’s go. We are walking out this, bitch.” It’d be a mass exodus. And then white people, you would finally have your dream. An all-white America. Confederate flags everywhere. Not a n i g g a in sight. This country wouldn’t be shit. [chatter] There would be no open-brain surgery. We did that. There would be no open-heart surgery. We did that. There would be no street lights. That’s why they red, yellow, and green. Jamaican flag, n i g g a. [applause] If somebody white did it, it’d be red, white, and blue. You go on the blue. Music wouldn’t be shit. There would be no blues four-bar progression. There would be no rock ‘n’ roll. We created that motherfucker extension of the blues. That’s right, white folks. We takin’ our shit back. You better go to Chuck Berry’s grave and find out who did this shit. There would be no R&B . There would be no funk. There would be no jazz. There would be no bee-bop turnin’ into hip-hop non-stop motherfucker goin’ ’round the clock, n i g g a s, until you drop. [applause and cheers] There would be no gospel worth listenin’ to. [chatter and laughter] All there’d be left, n i g g a, is twang-twang. Twang-twang. Twang-twang. ♪ She ran off with Petey ♪ ♪ My favorite dog ♪ ♪ I only know where four-legged fuckers go ♪ N i g g a suicide rate would go up 2000%. The national anthem would not be worth listenin’ to. N i g g a, whenever we sing it… N i g g a, Whitney sung it so well, God rest that sista’s soul. [applause and cheers] When Sista Whitney sung it, n i g g a, she sung it so well it made a n i g g a feel like they really wanted us in this country. You understand me? The beginnin’ of a baseball game, Whitney would get to hittin’ that motherfucker, “Oh say… can you see… I see… By the dawn, early in the mornin’ light… light it up, light it up.” N i g g a, you leave the baseball game all hyped… “N i g g a [indistinct] shit, n i g g a.” Police pull you over. [hitting mic] “Fuck this motherfuckin’ country! Fuck that goddamn song, too.” Y’all would never win another summer Olympics, white folks. I’m sorry. Scott, Bob, Jill… Sally. No more gold in the summer. I don’t even know why white folks show up to the summer Olympics. You not gonna beat a n i g g a in the heat. We from the hottest continent on Earth. Africa. Originally known as Alkebulan. You not gonna beat a n i g g a in the heat, man. Y’understand me? Why do you show up for a foot race against black people? Do you really think you can beat us runnin’? We got too much practice, n i g g a. We run from our parents. “Put it down, n i g g a! I told you when we get to the store, you don’t pick up a motherfuckin’ dime.” We run from gangs. “Come here, n i g g a. Where my shit at?” “I don’t know, cuz!” We run from the police. “Well, what do you got?” “Well, uh, a lollipop. Oh, goddamn!” You see, police helicopters can’t catch n i g g a s. You watch that shit, First 48 ? Helicopter: “We lost him again. Oh, the n i g g a jumped over two houses and made a left.” You know that race they got, n i g g a, the 100-meter dash, n i g g a? And it’s always 27 n i g g a s from 27 n i g g a countries. One white dude. And you can see on his face when he gettin’ in the blocks. “[grunts] Oh! I’m gonna be lookin’ at a lot o’ n i g g a ass in a minute.” Get it, ’cause they in front of him. The one race that white people think they can beat us in is the long-distance race. You see ’em practicin’ out here in Boston at the marathon, New York. “Hey, what are you doin’?” “I’m getting ready for the n i g g a s. Oh, you gotta train. They just got natural ability.” Train as you may, white folks, you not gonna beat them three Ethiopians. [cheers and applause] Regular n i g g a s from America can’t beat them motherfuckers. Them eggheads always come in first, second, third, n i g g a. You not fuckin’ with the eggheads, n i g g a. They got them eggheads. Body skin and bones. They used to runnin’ for weeks. Chasin’ gazelles for sustenance. N i g g a, gazelles will be fallin’ down. “One of us is going to have to take one. You are the weak one. Only the strong can survive.” “No, they chased my cousin two weeks ago. They don’t stop. They smile when they run. I can hear their teeth chattering in the distance.” Now you know how motherfuckers come across the line, n i g g a, at the end of the race? They be tired, n i g g a s. They ran for two days. “Can I get some water, some water? Give me some fuckin’ water!” N i g g a, them Ethiopians come across the line… [applause] “You want some water?” “I never touch the stuff. The blood of the gazelle is all the sustenance I need. Who wants to run again?” N i g g a, y’all goin’ to church this Sunday? I suggest everybody get your ass to church and get your money back. Hurry up, goddammit it! If Joel Osteen didn’t prove to you finally what I’ve been tryin’ to tell you for 30 motherfuckin’ years… It’s a goddamn scam, man! God don’t live in no church. Nowhere in the Bible, and I read it 17 times, nowhere in it does it say, “Build me a house on Fifth and Nowhere. I only like stained-glass windows. ‘Cause I don’t want nobody lookin’ in on the hustle. I mean, the truth. I want hard wooden benches in there ’cause I don’t want nobody comfortable. I need a greasy n i g g a with a perm whose neck looks like a half a pack of hot dogs. Who’s a silver-tongued mackin’ motherfucker. And he sweats before he starts talkin’. ‘Cause he’s from Hell.” “What you gonna call him?” “The preacher. I need 12 to 15 fat bucket o’ chicken-eatin’ bitches with curtains on.” “What you gonna call them?” “The choir. I need two homosexuals with tambourines.” “Why they there?” “I don’t know. I just like how they shake it.” I need an old n i g g a who’s senile. Dress him in purple. Put a lot of medals on him. Sit him right next to the pew.” “What you gonna call him?” “The deacon.” “What you gonna call this organization?” “Church.” N i g g a, church done got so bad, they got ATM machines in the motherfuckers. Am I bullshittin’? And n i g g a, here’s how these preachers preach nowadays. I’m tellin’ you, the church is in trouble. Them motherfuckers be in there, “Oh, yeah, welcome to God’s house. Thank you. Uh-huh. Now, you’re here. You see we have installed an ATM machine ’cause some of y’all have been not bringin’ God’s money. Now you pay your light bill. You pay your gas bill. You pay your taxes. Uncle Sam get his. God can’t have his? That’s why I installed the hot boilin’ waters of correction. Now, a lot of y’all see the flames at the bottom of the bathtub… You see Brother Williams didn’t bring God money last Sunday. You’re probably lookin’ at these two large swollen n i g g a s here wonderin’ what they purpose is. Go get Brother Williams. Bring him up here.” They dip that n i g g a in the hot, boilin’ water and… [screams] “Sound like he’s screamin’, don’t it? That’s not what it is. That’s the demons leavin’ him. Look at how fast he ran to get God’s money outta the brand-new ATM machine. Is there anybody else in here late with the Lord’s issue?” The only difference between a white church and a black church. White church will fuck your son. I don’t like false indignation. Y’all watch the same goddamn news I watch. Them priests been little-boy fuckin’ for quite a while. That’s why they wear them white robes, n i g g a. They buck naked underneath. They don’t even walk to the pulpit. They float. ‘Cause little Timmy underneath there butt-ass naked on roller skates suckin’ dick. Now you can go on. Black church will fuck your wife. N i g g a, if your wife is sittin’ on the front row at church every Sunday, you might wanna ask that bitch a couple of questions. What position was you in to get this motherfucker position every Sunday? ‘Cause only a black preacher will ask your ass some shit like this. “Lookie here, I was wonderin’ if your wife could stay after for a little private Bible study.” “Uh, lookie here, what the fuck you gonna tell my bitch you ain’t gonna tell the rest of these bitches in here? So let me explain me to you, partner. I don’t believe none of this bullshit of motherfucker sleepin’ in the whale for three months. I don’t know what the fuck this cartoon shit is. I only come here to keep this bitch happy. I don’t give a fuck about you, greasy n i g g a. Now, ask me another motherfuckin’ question and I got a last question for you. How about if I blow your motherfuckin’ brains out so you can see what you thinkin’ is some bullshit?” “Well, I can see that you was the wrong n i g g a to ask. I’ll see you at the church picnic.” God is free. Don’t forget it. God don’t need no money. Never wanted no money, n i g g a. Them Romans wrote that in the book. Tithing. God want ten%. What the fuck would God want ten% of what he already own? He own everything. That’s like me rippin’ my sleeve off, stickin’ it in my pocket. I already got it. Every church I been to, not one of them got a tube to suck the money up to God. But the greasy n i g g a with a perm got a mansion, a private jet, a helicopter, four hoes and a dog. You can’t pimp a pimp, player. I ain’t givin’ you a dime, motherfucker. Fuck you. God free. Get on your knees. Pray direct to the source, n i g g a. He don’t need no middle man, n i g g a. Read the book. Just don’t go to church. Read it for yourself, n i g g a. You know how to read. Who is this n i g g a? Who made this n i g g a the liaison? “You can only get to the Lord through me.” Read the motherfucker. God said, “If two or more come in my name, I’m in the presence.” Ain’t that what he said? Well, there’s more than two of us. I brought the n i g g a name up. That mean he here. Welcome to church, you motherfuckers. Now, here at the Eddie Griffin church, I ain’t gonna pass the plate around. I charged your ass up front. I’m honest about my shit. Boston, y’all a fun bunch of motherfuckers. [applause and cheers] No, really. Y’all some fun motherfuckers. [Woman] Thank you! Now lookie here. [Man] You are, too. Oh shit! Thirty years. You could tell. I still love doin’ this shit. [crowd] Yeah! [applause] Now, uh, [laughs] if I offended anybody in this audience tonight, fuck you. These are the jokes. Ha-ha. If you check your ticket, motherfucker, it said comedy show. It didn’t say serious show. If you took any of these soliloquies that flew outta my mouth serious, you got a problem. Go get another Cab Sav. Sit down. Discuss it with somebody. You got hang-ups, you motherfucker. If I offended any white people in here this evening, I was talkin’ about racist white people. If you were offended, then you the motherfucker I was talkin’ to. [applause] If I offended any Mexicans in here tonight, prove me wrong. Why the fuck do you like workin’ hard all the goddamn time? Be late like a n i g g a sometimes. If I offended any Asians in here tonight, [laughs] cook somethin’ without rice. Shrimp fried rice, chicken fried Rice. Rice, rice, rice. People don’t want rice in every goddamn thing! How about some shrimp fried collard greens? That shit sound good to a motherfucker, don’t it? Throw some cayenne pepper on that bitch. [laughs] If I offended any African Americans in here this evening, welcome home, you boojee-ass n i g g a s. If I offended [laughs] any ladies and women in here this evening, [laughs], I was talkin’ about bitches and hoes. If you were offended… [laughter] If I offended any Christians in here tonight, go to Hell… [laughter] with gasoline-dipped drawers. That way, you ignite on arrival. I don’t want you to miss none of your flame time. Can’t stand Christians, the most judgmental motherfuckers on Earth. Only a goddamn Christian, “You goin’ to Hell.” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Oh, let that n i g g a know he’s goin’ to Hell. I’m kinda busy right now.” Obviously you didn’t read your own book again, motherfucker. It says, “Judge lest you be judged.” Only God can judge me. You could sit back and enjoy the show and shut the fuck up, you hypocrite motherfuckers. Out smokin’ dicks and weed all week, then puttin’ $20 on the plate on Sunday and think you paid for your transgressions. Like God can’t see past your fuck-ass charade. At least I’m honest with my heavenly Father. You know I drink. You know I smoke, not just cigarettes. And I’m fuckin’ on a bitch I’m not married to. You made the position. You made it so good. Hey, a pussy like M&Ms. You can’t eat just one. If I offended any Muslims in here, As-Salaam-Alaikum. I’m not fuckin’ with them. They’ll blow us up, n i g g a. [laughs] Hey, that was a joke. As-Salaam-Alaikum. Al-hamdulillah, al-hamdulillah, n i g g a. Inshallah, n i g g a, inshallah. N i g g a. N i g g a, I was… Fuck y’all, n i g g a. My brain poppin’, n i g g a. Imagine bein’ a sperm, n i g g a. I was just thinkin’ about this shit. Imagine n i g g a sperm just swimmin’ around in a n i g g a dick that ain’t gettin’ no pussy. “This sure is some bullshit, man. N i g g a, we been down here for five years, man. I ain’t never gonna see the light o’ day again. This n i g g a, I swear to God he ain’t shit! Why we gotta be in this n i g g a’s dick?” It look like he gonna get some pussy, n i g g a. “All right, everybody line up. This is it. Line up, n i g g a s. This motherfucker’s got some.” N i g g a, the Old Sperm come by. “Y’all don’t wanna go out there. This shit ain’t real. That n i g g a jackin’ off. You gonna end up on a towel. Dry and crunchy. I lost 50 billion sons that way. It ain’t never been real with this motherfucker. That’s how I’m still here, n i g g a. I know when it’s real. Shit!” Any motherfucker get some pussy, n i g g a, and they come out and got a condom on. “Back up. This ain’t it! Back up! I can see it. Stop pushin’! Stop pushin’!” Then the motherfucker flush the condom down the toilet. “We shoulda listened to the old man.” [applause and laughter] Say you finally, you, you finally consummate your relationship and you havin’ sex without a condom. And they get to come out into some actual pussy. Them mothers come out… [whoosh] “Rub the walls, n i g g a! Oh, it’s so juicy.” N i g g a, the Old Sperm come out. [heavy breathing] “Well, I be goddamn! I never thought I’d live to see it. Which one of y’all know where the automobiles is?” [applause] “Come on. Follow me. I know the way to the head. Shake your tailfeather, motherfucker. Shake your tailfeather.” And them motherfuckers start droppin’ one by one. [groans] [heavy breathing] “Hey, hold up, Pop. Hey, everybody we fell out, and we been swimmin’ for a long time. How deep is this bitch?” “This bitch deeper than a [indistinct]. “Just keep swimmin’, just keep swimmin’.” “Hey, Pop, let’s just, let’s just wait right here. Take a break like everybody else. We can make it to the egg in the morning.” “Junior, we ain’t gonna make it. We been set up. This bitch is on the pill.” [applause] Imagine, [laughs] imagine bein’ a sperm in a gay motherfucker’s dick. [groans and sighs] “Didn’t nobody clean this bitch out? There is mud everywhere. They ain’t nothin’ but corn and peanuts all in this mud. I think we’re in the wrong spot.” My motherfuckin’ face gettin’ stuck too, n i g g a. All right. Let’s get serious. N i g g a, I’d like to pour out some liquor, if you don’t mind, for some loved ones that I lost on this journey for 30 years in this game we call entertainment. You know what I mean? Yeah, man. This first one, [sighs], oh man, is goin’ out to Brotha Charlie Murphy. [applause and cheers] [Man] Be right, Charlie. N i g g a, I’ve had the privilege and the pleasure, man, of bein’ on tour with Brotha Charlie for three & a half years, damn near four years, man, up until the day he died. You know, it was the Comedy Get-Down Tour with me, Brotha Lopez, D.L. Hughley, big Ced the Entertainer, you know what I mean. [applause and chatter] To watch a man that strong. I mean, Charlie was a man’s man. Ya’ know he was man amongst men like a motherfucker. You know, Charlie would walk into a room, and everybody was like, “Is the n i g g a gonna kill somebody?” You know, Charlie had a permanent smile. You couldn’t tell if he was mad or happy. But I watched this brotha fight cancer and tell all of us not to tell nobody. We watched him go to the hospital, do chemotherapy on a Wednesday, walk out that hospital, walk in front of 20,000 people and kill it on Friday. That’s how strong this brotha was. You know what I mean? [applause] I know Heaven is funnier than a motherfucker right now. Dick Gregory just went up there, y’understand me? N i g g a, I know Charlie up in Heaven, n i g g a, like a motherfucker. “Charlie Murphy’s in Heaven. Darkness is spreading. Look at Rick James. Got his feet on God’s couch. Silly motherfucker. Look at Prince over there playing buck-naked basketball. He ain’t gonna be up here long.” This next one is goin’ out to Brotha Bernie Mac. [applause and cheers] N i g g a, you know Bernie up in Heaven. “What the fuck goin’ on up here? Some motherfucker angel flyin’ around in a motherfuckin’ corner over there. Flyin’ around in a motherfucker circle. A motherfucker circle. Got one motherfuckin’ good wing; the other wing look like a barbecued chicken wing. That motherfucker from Hell. He from Hell. He a burnt-up motherfucker comin’ up here tryin’ to spy on motherfuckers. He’s spyin’ on motherfuckers. Spyin’ on my motherfuckin’ Heaven.” [applause and cheers] Now you know Prince up there. [laughter] “Dearly beloved… We’re gathered here today to get to this thing called life. The word life, means Heaven. That’s been a long time, but I’m here to tell you…” [applause] [scream] N i g g a, you know, Michael is still at the gate. They ain’t let that n i g g a in yet. Michael at the gate: “You know who it is.” [grunts] ♪ Gotta-gone gotta-gone ♪ ♪ You know who it is ♪ ♪ You know who it is ♪ ♪ You know who it is you know who it is ♪ [applause] Peter right at the gate. “Uh, no I don’t.” “You do not fit the description that I have.” [laughter] Now you know Sammy Davis up in that motherfucker. “Um… stop it, man. Stop it! You guys are kookie, man. Um, excuse me, um, God. You know, I’ve been here for quite a while, and um, I– I really adore you, man. I mean, you know, you’re magnanimous in your greatness. There’s no one like you. You are the cat of cats, dig that, man. And you know, since I’ve been here, you know, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve danced for you. You know, I– I– I– I was just wondering, when do I get a new eye?” You know, Rich is up in there. That’s one of my closest, closest n i g g a s for years. And, n i g g a, I know [indistinct] motherfucker. [laughter] “Excuse me, God. I was wonderin’ if I could have a moment of your time. I know that you’re a very busy God. You got a whole universe of shit to worry about. You know, white peoples is killin’ each other, there’s an orange motherfucker in the White House. You understand me? Mexicans, they ain’t comin’ or goin’. They just confused. The n i g g a s is like, ‘What the fuck?’ So, I know you’re busy with all that kinda shit, and you know, we still can’t find Kanye. I coulda told him about that. Shit, every n i g g a that fucked one of them goddamn Kardashians come up missin’. Or they end up in rehab or some kinda shit. Shit, Bruce Jenner was the only white man to beat a n i g g a in the summer Olympics. He stuck his dick in the mama and said, ‘Fuck it. Take my dick. Give me a dress.’ I don’t wanna bore you with the details. Anyway, I been on the south side of Heaven since I got here. And the peoples over there, they complainin’. they didn’t wanna tell you ’cause they scared of ya. They asked me to deliver the message ’cause they know I don’t give a fuck. Anyway, you know, you been known to drown people and fire and brimstone, lightnin’. You kinda scare a n i g g a. Anyway, they said your son Jesus, he been over there. The boy ain’t took a bath since I been here. He walkin’ on his bath water. The n i g g a keep walkin’ around. You can’t get the n i g g a wet. He dodged showered raindrops. Look, people’s noses are hurtin’. We was wonderin’, um, if you could hit the n i g g a with a ligtnin’ storm. And wash him up a little bit. And the other thing, he’s an arrogant motherfucker, too. He said he’s your only son. You said we all your children. I’m confused like a motherfucker. You know? That’s some shit you n i g g a s need to get together and discuss. That ain’t got nothin’ to do with me. Well, that aside, uh, on a more personal note, you said Heaven is whatever a n i g g a want. Well… I was wonderin’, would ya mind if I snort the clouds? All I want is some cocaine since a n i g g a got up in this motherfucker. It look like cocaine to me. [giggles] Okay, I can see that I’ve upset you. I don’t wanna get struck by the lightnin’. If you change your mind, I’ll be right over here on cloud nine.” [applause] [cheering] Boston, love you. Good night. Take the Lord with you. [applause and cheers] [♪♪♪] [music fades out]

1686242012-181

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous At Radio City (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-kid-gorgeous-at-radio-city-full-transcript/

[organ music playing] Welcome to Radio City Music Hall. It’s time. Any questions? No. Walk with me. [eerie organ music playing] [mechanical whirring] [audience applauding and cheering] Good evening. Hi, I’m John Mulaney, nice to meet you. Jon Brion, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to see me at Radio City Music Hall. I love to play venues where if the guy that built the venue could see me on the stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it. Look at this. This is so much nicer than what I’m about to do. It’s really… It’s really tragic. What a historic and beautiful and deeply haunted building this is. I keep walking through cold spots being like, “I wonder who that used to be.” I’ve never seen a ghost, by the way. I asked my mom if she’d ever seen a ghost. That’s where we’re at conversation-wise in our relationship as a mother and son, because I’m 35 and I don’t have any children to talk about and she doesn’t understand my career. So I was home for Christmas and we were just eating Triscuits in silence and I was staring at the floor and I was like, “Well, here goes nothing. ‘You ever seen a ghost?'” And my mom said, “Yes.” Which is the best answer. She said, “I never told you this before but our house, when you were growing up, was haunted.” I said, “Say more right now!” She said, “Outside you and your brother’s room, I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown and then she would walk down the hallway and then she would evaporate.” And then my dad said, “Let’s change the subject!” And I think he was just doing that dad-thing of, like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.” But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl. “Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope… or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.” None of us really know our fathers. Anyway… My dad is so weird. I’d love to meet him someday. You know, my friend was telling me that his dad used to beat him with a belt and that’s just the setup to my story, so… Forget about that poor son of a bitch. Anyway… He was talking and I was waiting for him to be done so I could talk. So he’s “talk, talk, talk.” It’s my turn next! And… [audience laughing] I said, “My dad never hit us.” My dad is a lawyer and he was a debate team champion. So he would pick us apart psychologically. One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, because I had to be. My dad goes, “How was school today?” I said, “It was good but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw.” “And where were you?” “I was over on the bench.” “And what did you do?” “Nothing. I was over on the bench.” “But you saw what happened?” “Yeah, ’cause I was over on the bench.” “So you saw what happened and you did nothing?” “Yeah, ’cause I was sitting over on the bench.” “Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany…” [audience laughing] “ …when people saw what the Nazis were doing and did nothing, were those good people?” “No, those are bad people. You gotta stop the Nazis.” “But you saw what they were doing to Tyler and you did nothing!” “Because I was over on the bench.” And then my dad said, “Just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi?” And then my mom said, “I made a salad with Craisins!” And the conversation ended. My dad’s a very weird, informal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me a sex talk. Yes. I think. I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello… [chuckles] Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney. I’m your father.” And then he said the following, “You know,  Leonard Bernstein… was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.” [audience laughing] Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that. And I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer. But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like years later, I’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink and I’d be like, “Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?” I’ve never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you. [audience laughing] This is so great. Thank you for coming. You’re here. That’s great. You all showed up. -[audience cheering] -I appreciate it. And then we showed up so you got to see the things that you paid to see. That’s great. You don’t always get to see the things that you paid to see. Ever been to the goddamn zoo? Those guys are never where they’re supposed to be. Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, “Hey, where’s the jaguar?” And the zoo guy is like, “He must be in the inside part.” The inside part? Tell him we’re here. [audience laughing] I love doing stand-up for crowds because this right here, this reminds me of assembly in grade school. And assembly was the only part of school I ever liked. Once you leave school, you don’t get to have assembly. This is the closest we get in adult life to assembly. ‘Cause look at you all, you’re just sitting there in chairs, looking at a guy with absolutely no expertise, who’s going to talk for a while. Although this is different than assembly because you bought tickets, you knew this was coming. Assembly you never knew was coming when you were a kid. You just showed up at 8:00 a.m. and they were like, “Put down your stuff. Go to the gym.” You’re like, “God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.” You get to the gym and the whole school is sitting on the floor. You’re like, “What are we, about to graduate from Tuesday?” My principal would always come out to kick things off. She’d be like, “Children, rather than continue to teach you how to read, we have cleared the entire day for this random guy.” [imitating New York accent] “I used to smoke crack! As you seven and eight-year-olds probably know, freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. But I’m here to tell you there’s hope. I’ve been sober now two weeks. Well, weekdays, not weekends. Weekends, that’s Nunzio’s time.” I was once in assembly listening to a guy talk about smoking crack. My social studies teacher yelled at me, “Sit up straight! Show some respect.” I was like, “He’s smoking cocaine.” “Sit up straight”? He’s standing on a 45-degree angle. Or, as junkies call it, first position. [audience laughing] I always got yelled at at assembly. That’s right. There was always assembly and then, like, that second assembly to yell at you for how you behaved at the first assembly. They’d be like, “Get in here! Sit down. I want to talk about what happened yesterday.” You’re like eight years old, “What’s yesterday?” “We invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying through skits and you laugh at this woman? We noticed you had all been bullying each other and making fun of everything constantly. So we invite a woman with straight gray hair, in a denim dress, with a wrist-cast and homemade puppets that all have the same voice to teach you about bullying through skits, and you, ha-ha-ha, laugh it up. What was so funny about that woman? I want to know. What was so funny about when she couldn’t fit the box of puppets back into the trunk of her Dodge Neon? What was so hilarious that you all ran to the windows? Well, you all missed a valuable lesson on the danger of cliques.” “What’s a clique?” “It’s when a group of people hang out together.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” “No, because these people make fun of other people.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” [audience laughing] The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. Yeah, the hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies. You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don’t know and you are told this by an adult that you don’t know. We had the same Stranger Danger speaker every year when I was a kid, his name was Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Go ahead and laugh. His name is ridiculous. That was his name. It was JJ Bittenbinder. He was from the Chicago Police Department. He was a child homicide expert and… -[audience is silent] -Oh, gee. [audience laughing] Very sorry, Radio City, did that make you uncomfortable? Well, guess what? You’re adults and he’s not even here. So try being seven years old and you’re sitting five feet away from him. He’s still got blood on his shoes. And he’s looking at you in the eye to tell you for the first time in your very young life that some adults find you incredibly attractive. [audience laughing] And they may just have to kill you over it. Okay, c’est la vie, go be kids, go have fun. Bittenbinder came every year. By the way, Detective JJ Bittenbinder wore three-piece suits. He also wore a pocket watch. Two years in a row, he wore a cowboy hat. He also had a huge handlebar mustache. None of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that. He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti. But, instead, he made his living in murder. He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. [audience laughing] That line never gets a laugh. But once you write it, it stays in the act forever. So Bittenbinder came every year with a program to teach us about the violent world waiting for us outside the school gym, and that program was called Street Smarts! “Time for Street Smarts with Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street Smarts!” That was the general tone. He would give us tips to deal with crime. I will share some of the tips with you this evening. “Okay, tip number one. Street Smarts! Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you.” You remember the scourge of muggings when you were in second and third grade. You know how a mugger thinks. “Man, I need cash for drugs right now. Hey, maybe that eight-year-old with the goddamn Aladdin wallet that only has blank photo laminate pages in it will be able to help.” “Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you. What do you do? You go fumbling for your wallet. And you go fumbling for your wallet. Well, in that split-second, that’s when he’s going to stab you. So here’s what you do. You kids get yourselves a money clip. Okay, you can get these at any haberdashery. You put a $50 bill in the money clip then when a guy flashes a blade, you go, ‘You want my money, go get it!’ Then you run the other direction.” And our teachers were like, “Write that down.” [audience laughing] We’re like, “Buy a money clip. Engraved, question mark?” You go home to your parents. “Hey, Dad. Can I have a silver money clip with a $50 bill in it, please? Don’t worry. I’m only going to chuck it into the gutter and run away at the first sign of trouble. The man with the mustache told me to do it.” “Tip number two. Street Smarts! Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk…” This was at nine in the morning. [audience laughing] “Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. [chuckles] Once you get your bearings… find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.” Can you imagine driving behind that? [imitating a thud] I think they’re turning left. [audience laughing] “Tip number three. Street Smarts! You kids have no upper body strength.” And we were like, “We know but, hey.” “If some guy tries to grab you, you can’t fight him with fists. So here’s what you do. You kids fall down on your back and you kick upward at him. That’ll throw him off his rhythm.” That was a big thing with Bittenbinder, throwing pedophiles off their rhythm. “He’s not gonna know how to fight back with two little sneakers coming at him.” [audience laughing] “If the Lindbergh baby had steel-toe boots, he’d still be alive today. Street Smarts!” Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.” Bittenbinder, he didn’t want us to not get kidnapped. He wanted us to almost get kidnapped and then fight the guy off using weird, psych-out, back-room Chicago violence. Like here’s what he wanted to see on the news. “We’re here with seven-year-old John Mulaney who fended off a kidnapper earlier today. How did you do it, John?” [imitating heavy Chicago accent] “Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I never seen that before.’ I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’! Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.” “Well, that was seven-year-old John Mulaney, currently being sued for police brutality.” [audience laughing] Bittenbinder told me things that haunt me to this day. He came one year for assembly. He goes, “Okay, when you get kidnapped…” Not if, when. [audience laughing] “Okay, so when you get kidnapped, the place where the guy grabs ya, in the biz we call that the primary location. Okay. Your odds of coming back alive from the primary location, about 60%. But if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.” I am 35 years old and I am still terrified of secondary locations. If I’m at a place, I never want to go to another place. I’ll be at a wedding reception and someone’ll be like, “You coming to the hotel bar after? We’re all gonna get drinks and keep the party going.” I’m like, “Nah, sister. You’re not getting me to no secondary location. You want it? Go get it!” Street Smarts! Stay alert out there. I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. In high school people were like, “What are your top three colleges?” I was like, “Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.” I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun ’cause mail, you know? So I open up the letter and they said, “Hey, John, it’s college. You remember?” I say, “Yes, of course.” And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!” [audience laughing] “As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money.” I found this peculiar. You see, what had happened, New York, was that when I was a student, I had paid them tuition money. Every semester, two semesters a year, for four years. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars, it was about $15,000 a semester, two semesters a year, for four years. So it was about $30,000 a year for four years. So it was about $120,000, okay? So roughly speaking, I gave my college about $120,000. Okay, so you might say that I already gave them $120,000 and now you have the audacity to ask me for more money. What kind of a cokehead relative… [audience cheering] What kind of a cokehead relative is my college? You spent it already? I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you fucking spent it already? Where’s my money? I felt like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life when he’s screaming at his uncle Billy. [as Jimmy Stewart] “Where’s the money? Where’s that money, you fat motherfucker? Where’s my money? Stay down on the ground, you motherfucker!” That’s not the dialogue. But do you remember that scene from It’s a Wonderful Life? Great movie, Frank Capra, 1946. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars! I have friends I went to college with and they’re like, “You should donate and be a good alumnus.” And they wear shirts that say “school” and it’s like, look… if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you. It’s done. In their letter they were like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.” I was like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me. I thought our transaction was over. I gave you $120,000 and you gave me a weird cinder block room with a Reservoir Dogs poster on it and the first real heartbreak of my life, and probably HPV, and then we called it a day.” Probably. [audience laughing] Also, what did I get for my money? What is college? [babbles] [audience laughing] Stop going until we figure it out. Because I went to college, I have no idea what it was. I went to college, I was 18 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time. I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and Adderall. College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000. By the way, I agreed to give them $120,000 when I was 17 years old. With no attorney present. That’s illegal. They tricked me. They tricked me like Brendan Dassey on Making a Murderer. They tricked me like poor Brendan. They pulled me out of high school. I was in sweatpants, all confused. Two guys in clip-on ties are like, “Come on, son, do the right thing. Sign here and be an English major.” And I was like, “Okay.” Yes, you heard me, an English major. -I paid $120,000. -[audience cheering] How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t. [audience laughing] That’s the worst use of 120 grand I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, bought a duffel bag of fake cocaine. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the money, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when you open up the duffel bag and you realize it’s not real cocaine, it’s like powdered baby aspirin or whatever they do. But at least you have baby aspirin. And maybe you have a baby and one day your baby goes, “Oh, my head,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little guy.” And you dump it out on a mirror. You make it nice for the baby. You make it nice. You cut it up into lines with your laundry card or whatever and you make it nice, and your baby takes his sippy-cup straw and he holds it in his little ravioli-sized baby fist and he leans over– [snorts] and he snorts up the baby aspirin, and he gets rid of his baby headache, plus you get a duffel bag! [audience laughing] That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for reading books that I didn’t read. [audience laughing] Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, my family watching as I sweat vodka and ecstasy, to receive a four-year degree in a language that I already spoke. [audience cheering] I don’t mean to sound down on donating. [chuckles] It’s good to give to charities, you know. My wife and I just gave a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. We were moving apartments, we had a bunch of clothes and furniture, so we made a whole day out of it. We made these big piles of clothes, we put the piles into these big boxes, then we put the boxes into the back of my car, and then they stayed there for four months. And then one day my wife said, “Hey, you took that stuff to Goodwill, right?” And I said, “Of course I did! On an unrelated note, I’m going to walk out the front door right now.” So then I had to speed to Goodwill really fast. It was charitable, but it was also fast and violent, because I was throwing boxes at people. The boxes were so heavy I couldn’t even say what was in them. I was like, “This one’s shirts. I got a bunch of shirts! Take ’em away!” The guy tried to give me a big receipt. He’s like, “Take this receipt for the clothing for your taxes.” How do I write that on my taxes? “Dear IRS, please deduct from my federal income tax one XXL Billabong T-shirt from youth. It was too big. My mom said it could be a sleep shirt. Please deduct this from my 2017 income.” That sleep shirt bullshit. “Well, if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt.” No, I get that, Mom, but why don’t we just tell our relatives that I’m a four-year-old boy and I don’t wear a man’s XXL T-shirt? “Because we don’t say that when someone gives us a gift because that would not be polite.” Oh, I get it. So rather than violate these meaningless politeness rules, I’ll just go to bed in a smock like goddamn Ebenezer Scrooge. Why don’t you give me a candle for looking in the mirror and a floppy hat and I’ll tremble off to bed in my long Victorian nightgown? Was there ever even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along? [audience cheering] So that’s why you can’t give to charity. I’m kidding. I like to throw an “I’m kidding” at the ends of jokes now, in case the jokes are ever played in court. You ever heard a joke played in court? Never goes well. They’re like, “‘And that’s why you shouldn’t give… to charity.’ Is that something you find funny, Mr. Mulaney?” Um… at the time. [chuckles] I found out recently that jokes don’t do well in court. So, some friends of mine were sued in college for property damage. And they were guilty. And the lawsuit dragged on for years and years and eventually I got a call when I was 28 years old. It was my friend from college, he said, “Hey, that lawsuit with my neighbor is still dragging on and my neighbor just subpoenaed all my emails from college that mention him or the lawsuit.” And I said, “That’s crazy. But why are you calling me?” And he said, “Because you should be concerned.” [audience laughing] He said, “I have an email here from junior year where I wrote, ‘Hey, guys, I’m going to miss practice tonight because I have to meet with my neighbor about that lawsuit thing.’ And you replied, ‘Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you. Okay. See you at improv practice.'” [audience laughing] Of all the sentences in that email I would be ashamed to have read out loud in a court of law, I think the top one is “See you at improv practice.” Strange, the passage of time. I’m not that old. I’m 35, that is not old. But I am in a new phase right before old called “gross.” [audience laughing] I never knew about this, but I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. [chuckles] Like the back of a dolphin, my back. I am slick. The butt part of my pants is a little damp a lot and I don’t think it’s anything serious… but isn’t it, though? And… I’ll be sitting at a restaurant and I’ll get up and I’ll be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me. I’m gross now. I’ve been talking through burps. I never used to do this. When I was a kid and I wanted to burp, I’d be like, “Silence!” Blagh! Now I’m trying to push ’em down and muscle through ’em. I’ll be at dinner, just doing the bread and the seltzer, filling up like a hot air balloon, and then I’m like… [belches] “Did you say you were going to Italy? Because we have a travel– She has a travel agent if– [exhales] I’m going to the kitchen, does anyone need anything? From the… [belches] Anyone need anything?” Just take a pause, John! I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s how much I hate that shit. [audience laughing] I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… [groans] You know, life. And my wife was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself. “Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” [audience laughing] “Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” Not at me. Not to be mean. This was a song from deep in her subconscious. I don’t even think she was aware she was singing it. But it was certainly not the first time she had sung it. I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room. [audience laughing] And it’s not getting any better. I’m 35, but I’m still like, “Hey, when am I going to get big and strong?” This is it. It’s just going to be this. I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. As I get older, it’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s tempting. I get grumpy about some things. Like, I can’t listen to any new songs because every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas on Wednesday? Okay. Well, Let’s Just Not See Each Other for Eight Months And It Doesn’t Matter at All.” [audience cheering] I’m trying to stay nice though, because when I was a kid, I was raised that you should be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. But now, at the end of my life, I don’t know, because a lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world. Or maybe they have different definitions of what it means to be nice. That’s something you figure out as you get older and meet new people. Not everyone thinks the same things are nice. You learn that especially when you get jobs. I had a very weird job in my mid-20s for about four and a half years. I was a writer right across the street over at  Saturday Night Live. It was very exciting. Yeah. [audience cheering] It was great. I loved it. If you haven’t seen the show, you gotta check it out. They have a host and a musical guest. Oh, my God, you’re going to love it. Real quick tangent. Okay, my favorite host ever introducing a musical guest was this. The host was Sir Patrick Stewart, the great Sir Patrick Stewart, and this is how he introduced the musical guest. “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!” [audience laughing] Like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been, “Sir Patrick, we can’t find Pepa anywhere.” And he’s like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone!” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and… what’s this? Pepa!” Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct. And they would all come in to Saturday Night Live and they’d have to meet with me because I was a little rat writer and they’d have to talk about the sketches. They’d sit on my office couch that had like bed bugs and stuff. It was great. Like, they were famous, but it was my couch. It’d be like if you went into your childhood bedroom and Joe DiMaggio was sitting there. Yeah, he’s Joe DiMaggio, he’s a legend, he had sex with Marilyn Monroe, but only you know where the bathroom is. [audience laughing] Everyone always wants to know if famous people are nice. Like Mick Jagger. He came in to host the show. My friends were all like, “Is he nice?” No! Or maybe he is… for his version of life. Because he has a very different life. He’s Mick Jagger. That’s his name. He’s played to stadiums of 20,000 people cheering for him like he’s a god for 50 years. That must change you as a person. If you do that for 50 years, you’re never again going to be like, “Um, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow?” None of that bullshit way we all have to talk to get through life. [in plaintive voice] “Hi. Knock, knock. Sorry.” That’s how I walk into rooms. I am 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, “Hi. Knock, knock.” I say “knock, knock” out loud. Mick Jagger didn’t talk like that. Mick Jagger talked like this. He’d go, “Yes! No! Yes!” I pitched him a joke and he went, “Not funny!” [audience laughing] I mean, people say that on the internet, but never to your face does a British billionaire in leather pants go, “Not funny!” I spent two hours alone with Mick Jagger that week. We were writing song lyrics, it was for a fake song in a comedy sketch. And he was sitting there, and we came to one point and he goes, “All right, ‘Let’s all go to the picnic, let’s all have a drink.’ Let’s see, what rhymes with drink?” And I said… “Think?” And Mick Jagger said, “No!” [audience laughing] And then I said, “Sink?” And Mick Jagger said… “Yeah!” And I was like, “Motherfucker, is this how you write songs? Just one word at a time with verbal abuse?” “All right, ‘I can’t get no…'” -Happiness? -“No!” -Satisfaction? -“Yeah! All right! Next sentence! Space bar. Indent. Space bar.” Mick Jagger would go like this, “Diet Coke!” And one would appear in his hand. Now that’s not nice, right? The way I was raised, you’re supposed to say, “May I please have a Diet Coke, please?” And then maybe you will get one. And I bet all of you were taught to say please and thank you. But if all of us could go, “Diet Coke!” and one would appear in our hand, we’d do it all day long. Even if you don’t like Diet Coke, you’d just summon ’em so you could chuck ’em at oncoming cars. Famous people are often rude because they’re used to getting things really quickly. I bet a lot of us are pretty polite. But as soon as we get things quickly, we start to get ruder and ruder. Look at technology, it’s faster than ever and we’re ruder than ever. People walk around on the phone now, “Hello? You still there? Lost him.” And that’s it. No follow-through with that guy. Fifty years ago, if you were on the telephone with your friend and suddenly the line just went dead, that meant your friend was murdered. The phone used to be a big deal. It was a long, polite process. Back in the 1940s, the phone was like a wood box… with a thing on it. I don’t know. It had its own room. You’d go, “That’s the phone’s room!” And it was expensive. You’d wait all week to make your call. “It’s almost Tuesday!” And then you’d take the cup on the string or whatever… There weren’t even numbers. You’d just go, “Hello? Anyone? [yells] Anyone in the world?” Then you’d go, “Operator, ring me Neptune 5-117.” And the operator was a real person that you had to be nice to. She’d be like, “One moment, please. I’m putting wires into a board filled with holes to move the voices around, ’cause it is the ’40s.” And it took like 90 minutes. Now people just drive around screaming at their phones like… -Call home! -“Calling the mobile for Tom.” Not fucking Tom! [imitating Mick Jagger] Not funny! [audience laughing] Everything was slower back in the old days ’cause they didn’t have enough to do, so they had to slow things down to fill the time. I don’t know if you read history, but back then people would wake up and go, “God, it’s the old times.” [audience laughing] “Shit, I gotta wear all those layers. There’s no Zyrtec or nothing. Okay, we gotta… We gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day.” And they did. Have you ever seen old film from the past of people just waving at a ship? [audience laughing] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday at 10:00 a.m.? All right, there’s a Norwegian Cruise Line leaving for Martinique. Here’s my plan, you and me get very dressed up, including hats, and then we wave handkerchiefs at it until it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship. [audience laughing] Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers, the world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them that we’re not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. May I see my stuff, please? [grumbles] “I smell a robot. Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look, mortal, if ye be. You look and then you type what you think you see. Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fucking what? [audience cheering] You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean. I just like old-fashioned things. I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff. [audience cheering] Yeah. One day… Well, it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo, and… [audience laughing] there was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That is in the middle of the Civil War. And the whole town built a gazebo. What was that town meeting like? “All right, everyone, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and… everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walk into the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain, but you still want to hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” [audience laughing] Building a gazebo during the Civil War, that’d be like doing stand-up comedy now. [audience laughing and applauding] Yes. Thank you for clapping at my political gazebo material. I’m very brave. I’ve never really cared about politics. Never talked about ’em much. But then, last November, the strangest thing happened. [audience laughing] Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time. I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky. Here’s how I try to look at it, and this is just me, this guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what’s going  to happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before, no one knows what the horse is going to do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before, he’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts. [audience cheering] They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a man that once saw a bird in the airport.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse loose in a hospital. When a horse is loose in a hospital, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the horse do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The horse used the elevator?” [audience laughing] I didn’t know he knew how to do that. [audience laughing] The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the horse at all. [audience laughing] You’re down in the operating room like, “Hey, has anyone…” [audience laughing] “Has anyone heard–” [imitates clopping hooves] Those are those quiet days when people are like, “It looks like the horse has finally calmed down.” And then ten seconds later the horse is like, “I’m gonna run towards the baby incubators and smash ’em with my hooves. I’ve got nice hooves and a long tail, I’m a horse!” That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse. And then… [audience cheering] Then… Then you go to brunch with people and they’re like, “There shouldn’t be a horse in the hospital.” And it’s like, “We’re well past that.” Then other people are like, “If there’s gonna be a horse in the hospital, I’m going to say the N-word on TV.” And those don’t match up at all. And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the horse, and then, 5,000 miles away, a hippo was like, “I have a nuclear bomb and I’m going to blow up the hospital!” And before we could say anything, the horse was like, “If you even fucking look at the hospital, I will stomp you to death with my hooves. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can stomp you with my hooves, I’m so fucking crazy.” “You think you’re fucking crazy, I’m a fucking hippopotamus. I live in a fucking lake of mud. I’m fucking crazy.” And all of us are like, “Okay.” Like poor Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions. “Okay.” And then, for a second, we were like, “Maybe the horse-catcher will catch the horse.” And then the horse is like, “I have fired the horse-catcher.” [audience laughing] He can do that? That shouldn’t be allowed no matter who the horse is. I don’t remember that in Hamilton. [audience laughing] Sometimes, if you make fun of the horse, people will get upset. These are the people that opened the door for the horse. I don’t judge anyone. But sometimes I ask people. I go, “Hey, how come you opened the door for the horse?” And they go, “Well, the hospital was inefficient!” [audience laughing] Or sometimes they go, “If you’re so mad at the horse, how come you weren’t mad when the last guy did this three and a half years ago? You’re beating up on the horse when the last guy essentially did the same thing five years ago.” First off, get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, “It’s tomorrow now!” Get the fuck out of here with your technicalities. Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. That was fun when we watched Beetlejuice tonight. “Don’t you mean last night? It’s after midnight.” Why don’t you get your sleeping bag and get out of my house! Take your EpiPen, take your goddamn EpiPen and get out of my house! But when people say, “How come you were never mad at the last guy?” I say, “Because I wasn’t paying attention.” I used to pay less attention before it was a horse. Also, I thought the last guy was pretty smart, and he seemed good at his job, and I’m lazy by nature. [audience cheering] I’m lazy by nature too. So I don’t check up on people when they seem okay at their job. You may think that’s an ignorant answer but it’s not, it’s a great answer. If you left your baby with your mother tonight, you’re not going to race home and check the nanny cam. But if you leave your baby with Gary Busey… [audience laughing] And now there’s Nazis again. [audience laughing] When I was a kid Nazis was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. [audience laughing] Now there’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that. These new Nazis, “Jews are the worst, Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life.” It’s like, “You know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?” [audience laughing] I’m allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes. [audience laughing] I’ve been married for about three and a half years now -and I was going out on tour… [cheering] Thank you very much. And I love and respect my wife very much. So I said to her, “We’ve been married for three and a half years.” And she knew that. I said, “Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage? And my wife said, “Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.” I was like, “The bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That’s it?” Also, I wouldn’t say that. What kind of show would that even be? Hello. My wife is a bitch! And I don’t like her! That’s like a support group for men in crisis, with keynote speakers Jon Voight and Alec Baldwin. [audience laughing] Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much. [audience cheering] She is a dynamite, five-foot, Jewish bitch and she’s the best. She and I have totally different styles. When my wife walks down the street, she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. [audience laughing] My wife and I went to Best Buy to get a TV. We didn’t end up getting the TV. I was afraid that the Best Buy guy was going to be mad at me, so I bought an HDMI cable. [audience laughing] I go to the register with Anna, my wife’s name Anna, she’s standing next to me, I hand the guy the HDMI cable. He takes it, he scans it, he says, “Do you have a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No, I wish!” [audience laughing] And then my wife said, “Jesus Christ!” And fully walked away from me. Walked all the way to the laser printers and just stood there, Blair Witch style. And I’m still up at the register like… [audience laughing] And the guy goes, “Do you want a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No.” Even though I had just said it was my greatest wish in life. I was hoping he’d believe me, that it was secretly my great wish but that I’m in an abusive marriage with little Miss Jesus Christ over here so I can’t ask for the things I want in public but at home, at night, we argue about it and I’m like, “You’ll see! One day I’m going to leave you and I’m going to get that Best Buy Rewards card.” She’s like, “Jesus Christ, you’re never going to get that Best Buy Rewards card!” My wife is Jewish, as I said, I was raised Catholic. We have differences in our religious upbringings and we realized this recently. Not with our kids, because we don’t have any kids. People always ask us, “Are you going to have kids?” and we say no. And then they go, “Never? You’re never going to have kids?” Look, I don’t know “never.” Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change. [audience laughing] But we don’t have any kids now and it’s great. We have a dog though. We have a four-year-old French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. [audience cheering] The idea of people applauding for that little monster. Just… I mean, I would never tell her that you applauded. It would go right to her ego, that little monster who just rubs her vulva on the carpet while staring at me in the eye. [imitates dog snarling] I know her vulva itches and she needs to rub it, but the thumping of the back paws… It’s upsetting. I’m just kidding. I love Petunia very much. She’s one of my most favorite people I’ve ever met in my life. Petunia likes to be very social but she can’t walk very far because she has a flat face, so she can’t breathe by design. But she wants to go out and meet people but we can’t walk her for that long. Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that we bought a stroller for our dog. [audience laughing] My wife and I walk around New York City pushing Petunia the French bulldog in a stroller, and it’s a big stroller and it has a big black hood. And people lean in to see the baby. [audience laughing] And instead they see a gargoyle breathing like Chris Christie. [imitates dog snarling] Her paws are sweating. We’re like, “He’s sick.” [chuckles] But religion came up with Petunia recently. My wife and I were talking about cute things that Petunia could be involved in. And I said, “What if we got like a Biblical painting done with Petunia in it?” And my wife is like, “That would be so cute. We should do like The Last Supper.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, that would be so cute. We should do all different French Bulldogs as the different Apostles.” And my wife was like, “We should have Petunia in the middle where Jesus is, in front of the turkey.” And I was like, “Wait, what did you just say?” [audience laughing] “Did you say the turkey?” And my wife said, “Yeah, why?” And I said… I said, “Would you just answer me one question? Do you think that in da Vinci’s The Last Supper that Jesus of Nazareth is sitting in front of a turkey?” [audience laughing] And my wife said, “Yes, I do,” and I said, “Thank you for your honesty. Would you just– Just one more follow-up question. So then what do you think they’re celebrating?” [audience laughing] “What do you think… those guys are celebrating?” She said, “Okay, I don’t get this shit because I wasn’t raised Catholic and I’m fucking glad I wasn’t because it’s a fucked-up organization.” I said, “No. We all know that.” [audience laughing] “But what do you think those guys are celebrating?” And my wife looked at the floor. And then she looked at me and said, “Thanksgiving.” [audience laughing] My family went to church every Sunday when I was a kid. My wife cannot believe this. She’s like, “You went every Sunday?” -“Yes.” -“What if you were out of town?” I was like, “They have them out of town.” I don’t know if you grew up going to church and now you don’t, but it can be a weird existence. Because I like to make fun of it all day long, but then if someone like Bill Maher says, “Who would believe in a man up in the sky?” I’m like, “My mommy, so shut the fuck up!” [audience cheering] “Stop calling my mommy dumb.” If you grew up going to church and you have adult friends that didn’t, they have a lot of questions. “Wait, so they forced you to go?” Yeah, I was five, I was forced to go everywhere. No kid is just going to church. Riding by on his Huffy, like, “Whoa! What’s this place? A weird Byzantine temple with green carpeting where everyone has bad breath and I wear clothes that I hate on one of the mornings of my two days off? Let’s do this.” [audience laughing] But people get very suspicious. They’re like, “What did they say in there? What do they do? What did they tell you?” I don’t know, it was an hour. That should be the slogan for the Catholic church. “It’s an hour!” It’s a few stories, normally about a guy with a crazy name whose wife has a normal name. “In that town lives Zepheriuses and his wife Rachel.” How come she gets to be Rachel? “On their way to Galilee, Jesus met Enos and Barak and their wives, Kylie and Lauren.” And you’re like, “What? That’s the same joke twice.” [audience laughing] Then there’s the homily. If you’re not Catholic, the homily is when the priest does a book report that is also stand-up comedy. [audience laughing] It normally begins with a charming anecdote that is fake and never happened. “A woman was at a shopping mall with her young son.” What was the woman’s name? Hey, Father, what was the name of the shopping mall? Your story doesn’t have a lot of details. You only had a week to work on it and you’ve had the book for 2,000 years. [audience laughing] And then there’s some songs normally sung by an usher. One of these ushers that opens the door for you and gives you the pamphlet and they all look like Marco Rubio. [audience laughing] That guy will get up and sing into the microphone. He’s not a singer… ’cause he’s not good at it. But he tries. He sings the Psalms. Remember the Psalms? They’re not songs ’cause they don’t rhyme and they’re not good. They’re perfectly named, they’re not quite songs, they’re Psalms. It’s a word you’re meant to mishear. “I’m gonna sing a Psalm today.” What’s that? You’re gonna sing a song? “Yeah. It’s a Psalm.” And then these guys get up in front of everyone and they’re like… ♪ The bread of God is bread ♪ ♪ He will bring us bread ♪ ♪ No one but the one from Jericho ♪ ♪ Can bring bread to bread ♪ And then the guy goes like this. [audience laughing] And that means we’re supposed to sing our lines, except we don’t know our lines for shit. Where’s that pamphlet? Where’s that pamphlet they gave us? Move the jackets. Ah-ha-ha! ♪ The bread of bread is bread ♪ ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪ It’s just dads singing so loud, thinking that’ll somehow get their kids to sing. ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪ ♪ Is God is bread ♪ ♪ Is God is bread… ♪ “Sing, goddamn it!” My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said, “God can’t hear you.” [audience laughing] Goodnight, New York. Thank you very much. [audience cheering] [“Lithium” playing on organ] [organist and audience singing “Lithium” chorus] [audience cheering]

1686242016-182

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

KAVIN JAY: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kavin-jay-everybody-calm-down-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kavin Jay: Everybody Calm Down! Now, please put your hands together for the guy whose name is in the title, Kavin Jay! Singapore, how are you guys doing? Oh, yeah, it’s a lot… It took a lot of balls. It took a lot of balls for a Malaysian guy to shoot his special in Singapore. Oh, this is gonna be… You guys look beautiful. All right, uh… Singaporeans, make some noise! Malaysians, make some noise! I would like to thank the production company, because, uh, they put me up in a very nice hotel. All right. It’s so posh, that the towels are so fluffy, I couldn’t close my suitcase. I had to take out the shampoo and conditioner. All right, before I start, ladies and gentlemen, please, please give yourselves a round of applause. I love that phrase, right, “Give yourselves a round of applause.” It’s such a beautiful phrase, right? A lot of emcees use it, a lot of, uh, you know, comedians use it. But it’s one of those things where I find it to be very Asian. Right? Because y’all did all the work. You all bought the tickets. You all braved the jam. You all came here, you all found your seats. And now, you all are great audience. And now, give yourself the reward. That’s like my wife coming home and saying, “Oh, you did the dishes. Give yourself a blowjob.” Which I’ve tried, it’s very difficult. Which is also why I picked up yoga. Uh… You’ll never see Downward Facing Dog the same way again. Uh… Aw, ladies and gentlemen, look, I’m gonna, I’m gonna bring it out right in the front, right, I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell you all something that maybe you all may not have noticed. Uh, I am a bit overweight. You laughed a bit too hard there, my friend. I know, I know I’m big. I know I’m big. Like, you see, the thing is, I travel around the world doing comedy now, and it’s weird, though, because I went to Europe, and I found out I’m not that big. I went to America, I found out I am a medium. And I had to shop in Baby Gap. Right, but it’s one of those things, in Asia, I’m the Michelin Man. I am so fat that parents use me to discipline their children. Hey, I was walking down the street, a mother looked at me, looked at her child and said, “If you don’t behave, that man will eat you!” And that’s what I do, I eat children. Uh… They are delicious and gluten-free. I’m only joking. They are not gluten-free. Uh… Uh, but Malaysians, Malaysians, they have this honesty about them, right? They don’t care whether you’re fat, ugly or whatever. They tell you straight to your face. Right? Like… I don’t know if you know this, but for a few years, I did radio in Malaysia, right? As I was doing radio in Malaysia, a lot of people didn’t realize that I was the stand-up comedian Kavin Jay and the radio personality Kavin Jay. They thought it was two different person. One lady in a show made that connection. Like, for her, like, “Wow!” Right? After the show, she came up to me, she’s like, “Oh, you’re the Kavin Jay on radio, is it?” I’m like, “Yeah, I also do radio.” And she’s like, “Wow, you sound skinny on radio.” Fuck your mother! What do you want me to do? Why… How do you sound fat on radio? What, like constantly having a heart attack the whole time? I love chicken rice, salad, and burger. But let me tell you, let me tell you a story about how I came to this realization that maybe, maybe I should lead a healthier lifestyle. Right? This is what happened. This is a true story that happened to me a couple of months ago. Now, I had a show in Manila, right? And I had to fly to Manila, and I had to book the tickets myself, right? So, as a Malaysian, I always fly AirAsia, right? Because it’s cheap, right? But, this time, I decided, you know what, let’s make a difference. Let’s try to make better choices, right? Let’s, let’s do something different. Right, I decided to fly Cebu Pacific… because it was cheaper. I booked the tickets online. I was happy, I was going to Manila, you know, it’s gonna be a good trip. Right, I walked up to the counter to check in, right. And then the lady behind the counter looked at me, and she said something I was not expecting. I was expecting “Hello. How are you?” Maybe even a “Mabuhay,” right? The lady behind the counter looked at me and she said, “Sir, how much do you weigh?” Straight to my face. There were tears coming down of my eyes. Thank you for laughing at my impending diabetes. Well, I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that came out of my mouth at that time was the truth. Right, the truth came out. Right, I looked at her, and I said, uh, “I weigh 120 kilograms.” I see a lot of faces of disbelief. I understand. I completely understand this, because I know I’m deceptively slim. Okay? Because every time I try to buy a T-shirt in Malaysia, they look at me, the shop owner looks at me, and then goes, “For you, L. L. This one is a big size for you. Come on, don’t worry, L.” And then I walk out with a sports bra. I have a few sports bras now. Which is very nice. But also, like, it’s very difficult. I like wearing clothes, guys. I really like wearing clothes. But it’s so hard for me to buy clothes in Asia. Like, I… Look. When I was coming here, I like to wear funny T-shirts, as you can see. I like to wear funny T-shirts. I wanted to buy a T-shirt that I could wear for this special. Right. I was in Singapore yesterday, I saw a T-shirt that said, “Fat people are hard to kidnap.” I laughed, too, right? I wanted that T-shirt. Right, I wanted to buy the T-shirt. I walked up to the shop owner, I said, “Do you have this in double XL?” “Uh… Don’t have.” I said, “What’s the biggest size you have?” “S.” What a dickhead. Uh… All I’m saying, all I’m saying is, if you’re a size S, and you’re wearing a T-shirt that says, “Fat people are hard to kidnap,” I will stab you, all right? Back to our story, back to our story. I’m 120 kilograms, right. And then, this lady, she looked at me, and she said something even more unexpected, right. She looked at me and she said, “Sir, if you weigh above a certain amount, you must buy two seats… on the plane.” Right. Lowest point of my life. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t wanna argue. I didn’t wanna argue. Right, you know what, I bought two seats. I just bought two seats. Right, because I thought to myself, “Two meals.” I took the tickets and I very solemnly, very solemnly… very sadly walked to the plane… to find my seats. And that’s when I found out that the seats were not together! What the fuck, guys! One was at the front of the plane and one was at the back of the plane! What are you trying to do, balancing, is it? Unbelievable! I realized now, I realized now I’ve come to a point I’m so fat that when I drop things on the floor, I let it go. Right? The other day, I was walking around, five ringgit fell down, “Fuck it, I’ll make more money. It’s fine.” Right. Dropped my car keys, “Fuck it, I’ll take Uber!” Like Malaysia and Singapore, okay, I have to explain the history a bit, right, for some people. Like, do we have anyone here from outside of Malaysia and Singapore? Make some noise! Hey, where are you guys from? Australia. -Australia. All right, so, the thing is, you have to understand Malaysia and Singapore, we have a relationship, right? And we have some animosity. It’s like Australia and New Zealand, I guess. Yeah? It’s like India and Pakistan, right? It’s like America and the rest of the world. Right, there is some animosity. And here is the thing, I think the best example would be India and Pakistan, right? Because they were… They were one family. And then, they split up. Right? Like, India and Pakistan, they were cousins. Right, they lived, they grew up together. And then, one day, Pakistan left. And came back with an AK-47. “Calm down, Pakistan. What are you doing?” Like, you know, like Malaysia and Singapore, it’s the same thing. We were cousins, we were family, we grew up together, right? And then, Singapore left. And came back with a BMW. Right. It’s one of those things where Malaysians, we… Okay, let me tell you one thing, we’re a little bit jealous. Okay, we also want a BMW. Okay, but what we got… Proton. Right, so… Never mind, never mind. It’s okay, we like our Proton. We love our Proton. Right? But here’s the thing, though. I mean, I’m sure you guys are lovely, I’m sure you Singaporeans are lovely, right? But there are Singaporeans, who, you know, I don’t like. And those are the people who think that Singapore is better than Malaysia, right? Is there anyone who thinks like that here? Make some noise! Gosh! I still got people clapping like… Uh… No, but the thing is, some people do think that Singapore is better than Malaysia. I always hear this from my.. From these guys. Right, “Oh, Singaporean nasi lemak is better than Malaysian nasi lemak.” No! No! Of course not. Right? I tried your nasi lemak. I tried your nasi lemak, guys. I went to Punggol to try your Punggol nasi lemak, famous. Right. When I ordered my nasi lemak, they gave me so little sambal. Right. On the menu, it said “a hint of sambal.” What I saw was a rumor of sambal. Where the fuck is my sambal? Right? And I did what any Malaysian would do, I asked for more sambal. I went up to the counter, I asked for more sambal. You know what they said? I had to pay extra for sambal. Pay extra for sambal? What kind of Communist country is this? Fifty cents extra, that’s like Malaysian ringgit, 3,000 or something, right? Around about, around about, you know. It’s not accurate, but, you know, you get the point. Right? And then another one. Oh, oh… Singaporean bak kut teh is better than Malaysian bak kut teh. Is that true? No. Even the Muslims are answering at this point. Hey. Even the Muslims are like, “We don’t know what bak kut teh tastes like, but we believe!” Right? Because, look, your bak kut teh is white in color. It’s white in color. It’s so white, it’s trying to get a local wife. That is how white it is. Right. Oh, another one. Oh. Singaporean government is better than… Malaysian… Listen, guys, we can’t win every argument, all right? But at least we got nasi lemak! Yeah! We hold on to what we got. Right. Well, here’s the thing, I come down to Singapore to do a lot of shows. And a lot of my Malaysian friends would come around and say, did you know that they do the usual Singapore stereotype? “Hey, Singaporeans have no sense of humor, why do you comedy do there? Singaporeans have no sense of humor.” And I find this to be wrong. Singaporeans, you all have a sense of humor. Right? You all have a sense of humor. It’s just a little misplaced. Like, for instance, right, in Singapore, right, you all thought it was a good idea to have a restaurant called Hooters… in Singapore. Really? I mean, for those of you who are pretending not to know what Hooters is, because you are sitting next to your girlfriends or wives. Hooters is a place where they wear skimpy outfits to show off their assets, right? So that they get tips at the end of the night, right? To show off their assets in Singapore. What is the fucking point? Because when I went there, I had the biggest breasts. Not only did I win the Wet T-Shirt Contest, I got second and third. It’s free drinks all night, man. And another thing, another thing I realized about Singapore is that you have, you guys have trouble letting go. Three years ago, this was three years ago, guys. Three years ago, you all had a riot in Singapore. Little India riots. Right? Still fresh in everybody’s mind. Everybody’s like, “Yeah, correct.” Right? I opened the newspaper, “Singapore is ready for new riots.” Hello? Hello. Twenty-seven Indians overturned a car. You all call that a riot? How cute! In Malaysia, we call that Tuesday. And as I found out, in India, they call that a wedding. Oh, it’s… I make fun of you, guys, but I love coming to Singapore. I love coming to Singapore, right. Uh, the last time I came here, though, it was a little bit of a weird experience, because I lost my passport, right. I lost my passport in Singapore. And if you ever lost your passport in a foreign country, you will know what this feels like. If you haven’t, try not to do it, right, because it’s a hassle. You have to make a police report. Right. And I walked into a Singapore police station. I saw things… that I’ve never seen before in my life. All right. I walked in, and your policemen… were doing work. What kind of sorcery is this? How do you all pick your police? Can you tell us? Right. I walked up to one of the policemen. He looked at me and he said, “How can I help you?” The fucker spoke English! I gathered myself, I gathered myself, I looked at him, I said, “I lost my passport.” Right. The guy looked at me and said, “Sir, where are you from?” I said, “I’m from Malaysia.” He said, “Sir, can you prove it?” So I gave him 50 ringgit and left. You know, I’m glad you guys laughed, okay, but he put me in jail! Do we have any Americans in the audience? Make some noise! Uh, well, which part of America are you from? New York! -New York! Yeah! I don’t know where that is. And now you know how that feels, right? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of you, but, uh, I did a show in the U.S. It’s a very small place. Uh, I don’t know if you have heard of it. It’s called the American Embassy in Jakarta. It’s a beautiful place. It is beautiful. Right, but here’s the thing. Right, here’s the thing. The American immigration officers that were there, uh, they were… a bit strict. Let’s put it this way. Uh, they looked at my passport, right. My name in my passport is Kavin Anak Lelaki Jayaram, which is a typical Malaysian name. Anak Lelaki is “son of,” and it’s abbreviated to A/L. So, what they read was, “Kavin Al Jayaram? I have not heard of that organization. Bob, get the lube! Code Brown.” Right, here’s… I’m not saying… I’m not saying… I know, I’m a brown man with a beard. I understand the stereotype. Right, I have a mirror at home, I know what I look like. All right, but here’s the thing, I grew my beard, because I wanted to look a bit hipster. I may have misjudged the length of beard, allowed for the color of my skin. Right? So, basically, everybody just thinks I’m a terrorist, right? And flying in airports is so difficult, right? Because of “Kavin Al Jayaram.” It’s… It’s hard, but all I’m saying is, look, I know what I look like. But use a bit of common sense. Okay, use a bit of common sense. Because have you ever seen a fat terrorist? Right? Think about this. Nobody is going, “Death to America. But first, McDonalds. Supersize.” No, no. Nobody is doing that, right? But I’m from Malaysia. I’m from Malaysia, right? And I know, for a fact, that in Malaysia, we will never have terrorists. We will never have terrorists in Malaysia. Right Think about this. If you’re a terrorist in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, carrying a backpack full of explosives, we have snatch thieves. You’re not gonna get very far. Right? I mean… It’s like, “Death to America! No 72 virgins for me, huh?” Uh… Seventy-two virgins, that’s the best thing about terrorism. Wait, hold on, that came out wrong. Uh… It’s funny though, like, look, they believe that if they martyred themselves, if they kill themselves in the name of terrorism, they get 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seventy-two virgins, right. Which is a great marketing plan. If you’re a guy. Right, what if you’re a female terrorist? Right, what then? Seventy That’s not a reward, you know. That’s a punishment, right? Seventy-two men who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Seventy-two premature ejaculations. Seventy-two Singaporean men. Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? You know, look, I’m not gonna lie to you, we do have an accent. Malaysia, Singapore, it’s very similar. It’s very similar. We have Manglish, you have Singlish, right? It’s very similar, though. I mean, in a way that we put the “lah” at the end of every sentence just to fuck things up, right? And then, there’s also… There’s also the fact that… Malaysia and Singapore, I mean, in Malaysia, there’s a lot of people, who, you know, English is a second language. Like Singapore as well, some of you all, English is a second language, right? So it’s very difficult for us to grasp some grammatical things. Like, for instance, pluralization, right? It’s very difficult to understand when do you pluralize something and when you don’t. So, what we do, is we just pluralize everything. Right? That’s a good way to start, I guess. Like, you know, like, when you call a receptionist, “Hows may I helps you?” Right? That happens. And like, I was talking to a friend of mine, like, I was talking about his favorite anime, right. He looked at me and said, “Dragons Balls.” I’m like, “No, that’s hentai. What are you doing? It’s different. Don’t.” You know, it’s weird, though, but, uh… sometimes, just one word of a sentence, can screw things up tremendously. Right? Like, for instance, a few years ago, we had the Typhoon Haiyan that hit the Philippines, right? Now, I’m not making fun of it. I’m not making fun of it. Right, it’s a tragedy, people lost their homes, people lost their lives. Right? And as the ASEAN community, Singapore, Malaysia, we wanted to help out. Right? I wanted to help out. Giving donations of food and, you know, water and stuff like that. Right, so I walked up to this counter, collecting donations in Malaysia. And the lady behind the counter looked at me and said, “Sir… do you want to send ‘aids’… to Philippines?” I’m like, “What are we sending to Philippines?” “‘Aids. Aids’ to the Philippines.” I’m like, “Hold on, wait, hold on a minute, okay? Calm down. Wait, what… How are we sending ‘AIDS’ to the Philippines?” She’s like, “Don’t worry, sir, you just give me the ‘aids.’ I will personally send it for you.” Which I thought was a good delivery system. Until I found out the Americans beat us to it. Uh… Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? Uh, but accents work both ways, though. Accents work both ways. Like, when I was 17 years old, uh, I went to England to study. Right, I lived there for five years. Now, do we have anyone from England? Make some noise! Good. Fuck them, right. Because, you see… You see, because I was going to… I was going to England, right. And I thought I was going to England where they spoke English. I thought I was prepared. Right, I did really well in the exams. I thought I was prepared. Right. My mother was an English teacher. I thought I was prepared, right. I even had friends who were English people, from England, uh, in Malaysia. And he taught me some phrases. Like, I learned from him, that if I say “I’m tired,” they would say, “I’m knackered.” Right? Difference. Right? Like, if, for instance, I say, “That’s a transvestite.” He would say, “That’s my girlfriend.” Subtle differences, right? I thought I was prepared, I knew everything. Now, I was going to, you know… And then, I took a flight from Malaysia, and I landed in Newcastle Airport. Now, if you don’t know what Newcastle is, Newcastle is like the Kelantan… of England. Where they spoke in a different accent, nobody understood them. Right, I remember I walked out, 17 years old, I walked out from the plane, and people were looking at me like, “Why aye, man?” I’m like, “Sí, señor.” “Did I take the wrong flight? What is going on? Have the Vikings not left? Where am I?” Right? I got over the accent, I got over the accent quite quick. Right, but there was one thing I didn’t get over. Which is the way the British people told time. Which was very different from the rest of the world. Because I’m used to the usual way that we have learned in school. Which was, if you asked someone the time, they would look at you and go, “It’s 8:30, 4:15.” Hour, minute, no bullshit. So easy, right? But as a 17-year-old boy, I remember asking someone the time, he looks at me, he says… “Quarter past four.” And I looked at him, I said, “Dickhead. Why are you making me do maths? I asked for the time, not a riddle, what are you doing? Why am I solving a quadratic equation right now? Why do I need a scientific calculator to tell the time? Why” Right? And then, I realized that sometimes they don’t even tell you the hour. They would just look at you and go, “It is half past.” Half past what? That’s like going to McDonalds and ordering a Big Mac, and they give you a bun. You figure out the rest. Hey, come on. Like, just tell me the time, what’s wrong with you Now, when British people ask me the time… Right. Because it took me three years, it took me three years, for… I was there for five years. For the first three years, I didn’t know what time it was. The whole time, I just kept looking at the sun. “Where the fuck is the sun?” How fucked up does a place have to be, that the sun refuses to show up? It took me three years. I read books, I did research. Right, at the end of three years, I became a maths genius. Right, I became a maths genius. Now, when British people ask me the time, I fuck with them. Now, when British people ask me the time, I go, “It is five past… quarter to… half past six.” And when they look at me all confused, I go, “Divided by eight!” Uh, ladies and gentlemen… uh, as I said, you know, traveling the world doing stand-up comedy, I realized one thing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this. Uh, I am Malaysian, but I’m Indian by descent. Right, my parents are Indian from Malaysia. And my grandparents were from India, right. And, uh, you see, the thing is, Indians have moved around the world. Right? Everywhere, everywhere in every country, there are Indians. Like, I’ve been to Switzerland, there are Indian people there. Like, I’ve been to Fiji, there are Indian people there, right. And the thing is, everywhere in the world, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I work at 7-Eleven. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I fix your computer. Tiki, tiki.” Fuck you guys for laughing at that. But in Malaysia, it’s a little bit different. It’s a little bit different. Right, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I stab you. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I steal your computer.” Right? You know, but the thing is, that is the stereotype of Indian people in Malaysia, right. And I grew up in Malaysia as an Indian, right. And it’s hard, though. Because my dad… My dad has a very thick Indian accent, right. My dad… I didn’t quite understand him when I was younger because when… He used to give me advice, right. When I was younger, he would come up to me and say, “Son, if you’re looking for the right woman, you must look for the three B’s. The brains, the beauty… and the ‘bersonality’.” I have not found the “bersonality” yet, ladies and gentlemen. But here’s the thing, me and my dad have a relationship, right. Like every other Asian dad and son. Right. Like, for instance, you, sir. Like you and your dad. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Yes. -Yeah. Fair enough. Did your dad ever tell you, “I love you,” in your whole life? -Maybe once or twice. Maybe once or twice. Well done. Because my father has never been that drunk, I guess. I… I don’t know, my dad has never told me he loves me. Right, he has never told me he loves me. Like, it’s weird, because now, I have a child of my own, right, a beautiful six-year-old girl. Right. And I love her, I love her, I tell her I love her every day. And I realized that my father tells her… he loves her, too. What about me? With her, he can say it, but with me, he cannot. And I asked him, I looked at him and I said, “Dad, why… How come you’ve never said ‘I love you’ to me?” And he looked at me and said, “Why must I tell you? You’re alive, aren’t you?” Right? Like, my dad, my dad loves alcohol. He drinks… a lot. Borderline alcohol problem, right. But… But he drinks a lot, and the thing is, I owe everything to my dad. I owe a lot of things to my dad, right. Because I wouldn’t be a comedian if it wasn’t for my dad. Right, because my dad would tell me jokes when I was younger. Right. Maybe they were a little bit inappropriate, but he would tell me jokes when he drinks. Like, I remember this one joke he told me. Let me see if you like it, right? Uh, when I was younger, he came up to me and he said, “Son, why do Chinese people like to watch porno movies backwards? Because they like to see the prostitute give the money back.” Listen, listen, I’m glad you guys liked it, all right. But I was five years old, all right? And I remember, like, my dad… I looked at my dad, like, “Dad, what’s a prostitute?” And my dad was like, “Your auntie! Your auntie is a prostitute!” My mother recently added me on Facebook. Right. Uh, it’s hard to get up in the morning to find out you have been poked by your mother. I remember the first time my mother poked me, my father liked it. It was very bad. Like, okay, my mom is… She has a smartphone now. She has a smartphone. Right, like, how many of you all are in a family WhatsApp group? Make some noise. How many of you all wanna kill yourselves? Make some noise! Right! It’s one of those… The worst thing ever! The family WhatsApp where you can’t leave the group. It’s like leaving the fucking family. Like what is the point of the family WhatsApp group? Ten thousand messages in the morning. “Good morning, family.” Really You have never said good morning to me to my face! But now, suddenly, so many messages, all with pictures… of angels. “Good morning, family.” What are you doing And my mom, she likes to forward messages, wholesale. Wholesale forward messages from one group to another. Doesn’t read through the messages. She just forwards the messages from one group to another. Like, the other day, I got a message, “Oh, chicken causes cancer.” Three minutes later, “Rice causes cancer.” Five minutes later, “Come home, chicken curry and rice for dinner.” Commitment, Mother. I realized, I didn’t have a very good relationship with my parents when I was growing up. And I guess I understand why. Because I wasn’t a very good kid when I was growing up. Right, for instance, for instance, this is something I used to do, I used to shoplift a lot. I used to shoplift, right. I guess it’s a way to get attention. Right? It’s a way to get attention. It’s also a way for… You know, I didn’t get a lot of money when I was a kid, so I thought, there’s things that I wanted and I just took it right from the shops. Like, for instance, here’s one thing, uh… As an example, I used to steal condoms from the shop. But, okay, look, I still do it now. I still steal condoms, not because of attention. Now, I just do it, because I can’t deal with the judgment of the person behind the counter when you buy a condom, right? It’s very difficult. It’s very difficult. Like, when I buy condoms, I put it in the counter, they look at me, look at the condoms and go… “Oh… You’re having sex, huh? Twelve pack, huh? Strawberry flavor, huh?” Right, it’s very difficult to deal with that. Right? So what I do, I just steal it, I just stole it, right. And then… Well, it came to a time when I was 17 years old that I wanted to use one of the condoms. Basically, what I’m saying is, I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. Calm down. Don’t be so happy I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. And I found it again when I got married, though. Uh… It was in the drawer all along, right. There came a time when I had to use it, and I realized, at that time, in the ’90s, I had made a mistake. Right, I had made a mistake. Instead of stealing condoms, I had stolen Femidoms. Female condoms. Right. And, look, if you don’t know the difference, it’s the same thing, only the size of a dinner plate. I remember looking at it, going, “Shit. Is that the normal size? Am I Chinese” Right. When I was young, I used to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to watch a lot of porn movies. Okay, to be fair, I still watch it now. Because I am married. Do you remember the first porn movie you ever watched, bro? No. You don’t watch porn, of course. No. No, of course. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I looked at you, right. Because you look like the kind of guy I wanna go to your house and download your hard drive. Yeah, you look like the kind of guy I would download your hard drive, lock myself in a room for three months, come out just blind. All dissolved. But, okay, the reason I asked you is because I remember the first one I watched. It was called Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Right. It’s absolutely true. Google this. Google this. It’s absolutely true. It does exist, right. I remember my friend… uh, got this videotape from… Brought this videotape to school. Remember VHS tapes? Do you guys remember VHS tapes? Yeah, it was on VHS tape, right. He brought it to school, told everybody that it was wrestling. But I knew what it was. I knew what it was, right. VHS tapes, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Right, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Because before that, all we had was the TV, right? And you always, like, MediaCorp, or TV1, TV2, that’s all you had, right? If you wanted to, you could not… If you wanted to go to the toilet, you either had to wait for an ad break, or you had to miss two to five minutes of the movie. Right? Then, came VHS tapes. You can rewind, you can forward. You can pause. The… The pause button. It was not a pause button, it was a dance button, wasn’t it? Right, you can be watching the most violent movie in the world, like Rambo. Pause. Unpause. Right? You can make any movie into a Bollywood movie, that’s what I’m saying. How many of you all were growing up in the ’80s? Make some noise! How many of you all grew up in the ’90s? Make some noise! You all can fuck off, right. Because… No, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Look at the guys who grew up in the ’80s. They’re the most innovative, the most creative, the most hardworking people in the world. You know why? You know why? Because we had to work for our porn! We had to work for our porn. Because I grew up in a time before the Internet. Before the Internet. Right now, you can download your movies, it’s like a high speed Internet. You don’t even have to download, you can stream. We didn’t have the Internet. The only thing I had was the Avon catalog. I remember the Avon catalog, my mother was an Avon lady. I used to steal the catalog, run up to the toilet, turn to page 32. Bras and panties. I remember very clearly, like, because… Here’s one thing you need to understand. Like, Malaysia, we didn’t have real women modeling the bras and panties. It was headless mannequins. Right, we had to imagine the breasts. Right, so we… And you know, we had to work hard for our porn. Like, do you guys remember dial Do you guys remember dial Yeah. You don’t know pain. You don’t know pain until you’ve had dial-up fucking Internet. Oh. Dial-up Internet. It was so hard. It was so hard, you had to wait till three o’clock in the morning to do anything questionable. Because we all had one computer in the hall. The family computer. Right. I remember, because we… I had to wait until three o’clock in the morning, right. When everybody, my father was asleep, my mother was asleep. My dog was asleep. Right, because… And my dad, my dad had a very good alarm system in the house. Right, so, whenever we wanted to go down the stairs, he knew immediately because we had creaky stairs. Right, so every time… He knew. He knew we were going. But what we did was, me and my brother, we came, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right. Because we knew, my father snores very loudly. So what we did was, we timed our steps… with the snoring. Right, so every time… But then, there was a flaw in the plan, because, sometimes, sometimes, my father would turn to his side and stop snoring. So, it was like… And I was stuck there for hours. And when we did finally get downstairs, we had to turn on the computer. Turn on the computer. And then, half an hour later, when the computer has started up. Windows fucking NT. Then we had to turn on the loudest thing you have ever heard… in your entire life. Which was the 56K modem. It sounds like you’re molesting a Decepticon, you know? Why the hell did they have to make it so loud? Right. It was difficult because you had to… You… Oh, you couldn’t download movies, you couldn’t download… anything, you couldn’t download GIFs or so. You had to download still pictures. Still pictures, right? Only pictures. Right. Which is bad, because you had to imagine the movements yourself. Unless you’re a little bit creative and you download two pictures and go… Which is very difficult, right? Because you have to work the mouse and the joystick at the same time. Some kind of hand-eye coordination. It took 20 minutes to download one picture. Twenty minutes to download one picture. I only lasted for three. Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’ve masturbated to Pamela Anderson’s forehead so many times. I don’t even know what she looks like. But, yeah, VHS tape. Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. I remember, I was alone at home. It was going to be… a good day. I went home, I made myself some Milo. It was going to be… a good day. Put in the tape and start rewinding. It was going to be a good day. And then my mother… comes home early from work that day to spend more time with her son. I know, right. And that’s when I learned the most valuable lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. Which was… VHS tapes never ejected in an emergency. I remember my mom coming in through the gate, and I’m like, “Eject, eject, eject!” Nothing came out. Great. I’m like, I panicked, I panicked, I turned everything off. I turned on the TV, my mom walks in, she’s like, “Kavin, what are you doing?” “I’m watching the news.” And she’s like, “Kavin, if you’re watching the news, why don’t you have any pants on? And why is there an Avon catalog next to you?” I ran upstairs. I ran upstairs to the sanctuary of my room. As a 14-year-old boy, the only sanctuary you have is your room. Right? And, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not, I’m not a religious man. But that day… That day, I was a Catholic priest. I was 14 years old and molesting myself. Everybody, calm down. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I’ve never prayed so hard before in my life. I prayed that my mother would not find the VHS tape inside the VCR. And when I needed Him the most, ladies and gentlemen, He did not answer my prayers. Because my mother did not come home to spend more time with her son, no. She came home because she wanted to watch her favorite Indian drama… that she recorded the night before. And she thought the tape was already inside. And she just presses play. To be fair, she didn’t realize it was a different movie. Right, for the first half an hour, she didn’t realize, she was just looking at it, going… “What happened to their saris?” She called me downstairs. She called me downstairs, and she looked at me, and she said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell.” She had the tape in her hands, suddenly ejected. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” And then she says the most terrifying words you can say to a 14-year-old boy. Which is, “Wait till your father comes home.” Well, that was terrifying… That was terrifying for me. Especially, because both my parents used to beat me. Let’s face it. Both my parents used to beat me all the time. Right, and, to be fair, I deserved most of the beatings. Right. Because if I wasn’t beaten, I would not be here telling you jokes. I’ll be outside robbing you. So, fair enough. But my father was hardcore. And my father was hardcore. My father had two sons. He sat us both down and said, “The reason I had two sons, is because, one day, I know I’m gonna kill one of you.” And if I’m being honest, I miss my brother. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed that my father would not come home. I was the only child in the entire world that prayed his father don’t come home. He did not answer my prayers. Because my father did come home that night. And my mom obviously told him the whole story. She told him the whole story. He knows what happened, right, but he decided to ask me. Right. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. What is this?” I looked at him and said, “It’s a horror movie.” Because I had hope, right? And that’s when he looked at me, and said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Horror movie, huh? Let’s watch it.” Right. He puts in the tape and starts rewinding it. Here I am, with my father… my mother, my brother, and my grandmother… all watching porn. Like it’s some kind of family activity. As you can imagine, it was awkward as hell, right. My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My grandmother going, “Why aren’t they wearing any saris?” My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My brother was flipping through the Avon catalog at this point. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My dog was humping my leg. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My father went, “Shut up! The creature from hell is not even out yet!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to my stories. Thank you so much for making tonight so special. Thank you, everyone. Good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-hard-knock-wife-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Ali Wong! ♪ What y’all thought Y’all wasn’t gon’ see me? ♪ ♪ I’m the Osirus of this shit♪ ♪ Wu-Tang is here forever, motherfuckers♪ ♪ It’s like this ninety-seven ♪ ♪ Aight my n i g g a s and my n i g g arettes♪ ♪ Let’s do it like this♪ ♪ I’ma rub your ass in the moonshine♪ ♪ Let’s take it back to seventy-nine♪ ♪ I bomb atomically♪ ♪ Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses♪ ♪ Can’t define How I be droppin’ these mockeries♪ ♪ Lyrically perform armed robbery ♪ ♪ Flee with the lottery Possibly they spotted me♪ ♪ Battle-scarred shogun♪ ♪ Explosion when my pen hits ♪ Oh, my goodness! I heard a rumor that all of the Asians in this city… Have congregated in this theater tonight. Yeah. Thank you for coming with your white boyfriends. I really… Appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart. I’m so excited to be here. I have not been performing that much at all, in the past two years, because two years ago, I gave birth to a baby girl. And when I first started to come back out to do stand-up, the other stand-up comics, they couldn’t believe it. They were like, “Oh, my God, Ali… “What are you doing here? “Didn’t you just have a baby?” I was like, “Listen… I’ve been with my baby girl since she was born, all day every day. And I love her so much. But I’m on the verge of putting her in the garbage. I need to be here to miss her, so that I don’t go to jail.” It’s so sexist when people ask me, “Well, if you’re here, then who’s taking care of the baby?” Who the fuck do you think is taking care of the baby? The TV is taking care of the baby, okay? The windows are open, she’s got gummy vitamins on her lap, she’s fine! I tried being a stay-at-home mom, for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect, that shit is relentless. I was stupid and naive, and I thought that being a stay-at-home mom was about chillaxing, getting to shit in your own home, Watch Wendy Williams and go out to brunch with your sassy girlfriends. I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is that you’ve gotta be a mom. Oh, and that’s a job. It’s a wack-ass job. You get no 401K, no co-workers. You’re just in solitary confinement all day long with this human Tamagotchi… That don’t got no reset button, so the stakes are extremely high. A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby. Okay? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos. With a human baby, you just have to guess and check your intuition by sniffing its ass… Twenty-six times a day. And you can’t phone it in and sniff it from afar. You really gotta flip the baby over, plant your face in the baby’s ass and give it a good yoga inhale with your mouth and everything, because the inside of your nose has been singed from all the poo-poo smelling. That’s how I know I love my baby more than anybody else in the entire world. I told my husband “Till death do us part.” And not once have I ever… sniffed his ass… To check if he shit his pants. I’ve licked it, but I haven’t sniffed it. Because sniffing it would be disgusting! Okay? And if you haven’t licked ass yet, grow up. Grow the fuck up. And learn how to be in a long-term, committed, lasting-relationship full of love where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. My dream, my goal for the longest time was to be a trophy wife, but then I found out that in order to be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque. I joined a moms’ group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead, you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive. I used to hate on other moms for the clothes that they wore. You know these fucking clothes that moms wear, all that cheesy-ass animal print and… loud metallic shiny shoes. And now I see something that’s bedazzled in rhinestones, and I’m like, “Oh… That looks nice. I think I’ma get that!” The more glitter the better, because when you’re a mom you need sparkle. To compensate for the light inside of you that has died. A lot of young women have anxiety about giving birth. Well, let me tell you something. Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is brutal. It is chronic physical torture. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony, where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat Hawaiian man version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” would play. No! It’s not like that at all! Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now! It don’t belong to you no more. When my baby girl would get hungry, she’d yank my nipple back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. It’s frightening. I saw that movie, and my nipples were like, “I feel you, Leo!” I didn’t take any classes on breastfeeding, because I assumed it was just gonna be this very easy intuitive thing where the baby sucks on your nipple like a straw, and the nurse promised me that I would have a particularly easy time, since my nipples look like fingers. You can spin DVDs on them, that’s how Command hook-like they are. But apparently, you have to get the baby to latch on at a very specific angle. You gotta tilt their head and do geometry to get them on properly. And it’s very stressful, because when they’re hungry and they’re crying, it makes your hormones spray milk all over their face and their neck, which then become very slippery and hard to grip, and then you gotta slam them on at just the right time. And every time I would do it, it was like parallel parking. I don’t know how I did it! It’s a mystery. I was never properly trained, but I just did it. I just went back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, until all these very concerned strangers start gathering outside of my car. Those people who gather outside of Asian women’s cars while we’re parking… Are so helpful and so racist at the same time. I’m always like, “Thank you. Thank you, but fuck you… For assuming correctly about me! I could not have done this without you!” My mom saw me struggle with breastfeeding and she was very discouraging about it, and she was like, “Why are you breastfeeding? I raised you on formula and look how shiny your hair is.” She was like, “Are you falling for that bullshit slogan, ‘breast is best’?” I was like, “No… I do it because breast is free. Come on, Mom, you know what it is. Local, organic, free-range, farm-to-mouth milk squirting outta my titties.” It was squirting out of like 15 holes in each titty, like the Bellagio fountain, just, “Woo. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo.” For free! My body was a food factory. I wasn’t about to let that all go to waste. If you shat juicy hamburgers… Would you ever wait in line at In-N-Out again? No, you would pop a squat over your husband’s head every morning. And tell him to open wide… Because breakfast is on the way… Animal style. Yeah, you’d be like, “I got your secret menu right here.” ♪ Work, work, work, work, work ♪ I had to stop breastfeeding after eight and a half months. I could not take it anymore. By the end, I felt like The Giving Tree. I used to not-understand what that depressing-ass book was about. And now I know it’s about breastfeeding! It’s about a mom who used to have all of these beautiful branches and apples, and then this little freeloader comes into her life, takes all of her shit, and then she just becomes a sad-ass tree stump with deflated titties! People kept on asking me, “Ali, how did you get so skinny after the baby?” She sucked the life outta me! As it turns out, breastfeeding is not free because you have to buy all of these pillows and pumps to support your breastfeeding, and then you might get a clogged duct. That’s when you get like a traffic jam kidney stone in your titty, and then you have to call a lactation consultant. A lactation consultant is a white NPR listener with dreadlocks, Named Indigo, That you have to pay $200 to rush over to your house and Roto-Rooter your titty. Indigo had me do push-ups, dipping my titty in and out of a bowl of scalding hot water, and then beat my titty like this in the interim. This is why women need maternity leave. In every other First World country… Canada, France, Germany… Women get up to three years off paid maternity leave when they have a new baby. In the US, we get jack shit. In the US, there is zero federal policy for maternity leave. Maternity leave is not just to bond with the baby. Fuck the baby! Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal their demolished-ass bodies! I couldn’t go back to work topless beating my wet titty, trying to establish dominance over all my coworkers. You’d get fired! People don’t tell you about all the crazy shit that goes down when you get pregnant, when you give birth. When I was pregnant, a lot of other moms had highly recommended to me, “Ali, now you make sure at the hospital to steal a bunch of the free diapers.” “Yeah, duh, I know for the baby.” “No. For you…” “For me? What the fuck do I need diapers for?” “Oh, you’ll see…” Winter is coming.” And indeed I did see! Nobody told me about all the crazy shit that comes out of your pussy after you give birth. You know what happens after the baby comes out? You know what else exits? Her house. Her living room, her pillows… the Bob Marley poster… All the food that went bad in her refrigerator… for months! So then you have to wear this cartoonishly large pad. That’s like the size of a toddler mattress, and it’s only held up by the strength of this mesh fishnet underwear that’s exclusively available at the hospital. You can’t get that shit on Amazon or anything, so you gotta snatch that shit every day. It’s made out of the same material that they package fancy Korean pears in. It’s very Dac Biet, okay? Number one extra large Dac Biet hospital underwear. For three months, I was walking around my house with a top knot, giant diaper, nipples bleeding. Like a defeated sumo wrestler. I had a C-section. Yeah. Which was not the original intention, but I was having contractions for 24 hours. Yeah. And then I was like, “Cut it out.” The nurse was like, “Keep going.” I was like, “Bitch, I said cut it out. ♪ Your price is way too high You need to cut it ♪ ♪ Cut it, cut it, you need to cut it♪ The nurse was not a big hip hop fan, so… She did not appreciate that or my Dave Coulier reference. Look, a C-section is no joke, okay? It is major surgery. But it’s very fast. They put the anesthesia in your back, and then they put up this curtain so that your husband can only see your human side and not your cadaver side. And then ten minutes later, they hold the baby above the curtain like bloody Simba and it’s over. I was like, “What the fuck did I do all that pushing for when there was this perfectly good emergency exit?” One of my best friends, God bless her, she was in labor for 72 hours. The baby’s head kept on going in and out, and in and out, and in and out. And then she still had to have an emergency C-section. Before that shit went down, my friend was the kindest, most polite, dainty lady, who would never burp in front of anybody. After that shit went down, she became the most bitter, nasty, raw-ass bitch I have ever met in my life! I went to her house to pay her a visit shortly after, she opens the door, “Look at my pussy, Ali. Look at this shit! Look at this!” No, “Hello, Ali. Welcome. Come meet my beautiful new baby.” No, just, “Come on, you look at this shit! “You look at what happened to me!” Just with the door open, in front of the entire cul-de-sac to see, “Come on!” And her pussy looked crazy! It looked cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! When I saw it, I was like… Because her pussy straight up looked like two hanging dicks side by side. In the process of giving birth to one baby girl, my friend became two dudes. You could French braid that shit. It was like a Star Wars monster. I mean, women, we’re not accustomed to seeing each other’s pussies in the first place. It’s not like men at the urinal where you’re like, “Hey, what’s up, dude? What’s going on?” holding your dicks in your hands in front of each other. We’re never just like going to the bathroom, “What’s up, girl?” holding our pussies, just casual, “I like your manicure.” I told her that she had turned into two dudes. And she started laughing. But then she started to get also extremely upset. And she was like, “Please, do not make me laugh! Do not make me laugh!” And then with one hand, she had to grab a pillow, and press it against her C-section scar. And then with the other hand, she had to… pinch the dicks together… To make sure that… the carne asada wouldn’t fall out of the taco, and become nachos on the floor. You see, this is why women need maternity leave! Yeah, you’d better pay our ass, too. My friend couldn’t go back to work with her meat curtains dragging on the floor like the train of a sad-ass wedding dress. You can’t litigate like that. Ain’t no Spanx gonna tuck that shit in. I told her all of that too, and she started laughing more. And, you know, she was like, she was pinching and she was pressing, and repressing the laughter and it got to be too much, and then all of this gas gurgled up in her system, and she let out this fat-ass queef that dried out my eyeballs. I was like… Oh! Ah! Oh! Eeee. Ah. Ah. Ah. Many benefits to a C-section, okay? Catheter, I had never had a catheter in my life. A catheter is a tube that they hook up to your pee-pee hole, and you just lie there… And then all of a sudden, this bag of piss shows up next to your bed. And then this kind Filipino lady named Joyabelle Esperanza Purificacion Santo Domingo Ordonez Balasa comes in to take it out. And you’re like, “Nurse Joyabelle, whose piss that?” And she’s like, “That’s yours.” And you’re like, “Oh my God, that’s mine?” I did not even feel it go out. The catheter, it just carries it out. And I was like, “Oh my God, in my life I could have accomplished so much more had I had a catheter attached to me this entire time.” A lot of people like to ask me, “Ali, how on Earth do you balance family and career?” Men never get asked that question… because they don’t. They just neglect the child for like 90% of the day, and that’s perfectly socially acceptable, but the standards for dads are so low that they get so much praise for doing so little. My husband occasionally changes diapers, and when people hear that, “Oh my God,” confetti everywhere! “I cannot believe that your husband changes diapers! What a doting modern father. Lucky you!” When my baby girl was first born, I would do skin-on-skin contact every day to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where’s my confetti at? I’ll tell you how I balance family and career, real talk? I have a nanny. That’s it, that’s the answer. Yes, it’s very unlikable and unpopular to broadcast that because not everybody can afford a nanny. It’s super expensive. It’s expensive for me and my husband, so the both of us, we have to hustle, we have to work very hard to not take care of our child ourselves. I’m all about putting the oxygen mask on myself before I put it on my baby. I like that protocol. I like that philosophy very much. When the stewardess tells me to make sure to do that, I’m always like, “Yeah, I was gonna do that. I got no problem with that.” I’m so jealous of Mexican people. Mexican culture. They don’t need no nannies, ’cause you know who takes care of the baby? The other baby! Hermana, Tía, Abuela, Sobrina, Prima, Second Prima, Bounce House… The baby is just born into childcare. I want to be Mexican in my next life. Don’t nobody have more fun than Mexicans. I used to live at Crenshaw and Pico, yes, if you don’t know, Crenshaw and Pico is this magical corner in the hood of Los Angeles where Guadalajara meets Korea… And the Mexicans and the Koreans are in constant racial warfare, and their weapons are loud music versus frowning. Mexicans know how to prioritize family and fun. They take their kids to Disneyland all the time. And now to accommodate, there is all of this Spanish at Disneyland. Every ride begins with, “Ladies and gentlemen, for your safety please keep your arms and hands inside the vehicle at all times. Damas y caballeros, por favor mantengan las manos y los Brazos dentro Del coche, and please do not smoke… Because it is gross and dangerous, okay? And employees must wash hands before returning to work. Okay, be careful. Be very careful. Cos tongue taco, son of a bitch, apple! ♪ Late at night When all the world is sleeping ♪ Yes, that’s how Mexican Disneyland has gotten, they play Selena on Pirates of the Caribbean. The Haunted Mansion is now called Dia de los Muertos! And what was formerly known as Splash Mountain is now Esplash Mountain. Our nanny is 62 years old. Yes, I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old. If you are hiring a 25-year-old pretty young thing to be your nanny, you a dumb-ass. Do you not read People magazine? You don’t know what’s up? That’s inviting a marriage grenade into your home. When you have a newborn baby, your marriage is very weak because you’re both stressed out, you look like shit ’cause you don’t shower no more, you’re resentful of each other, whose idea was it to bring this new roommate into the world? Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy for an outsider to invade and colonize. If we had hired a 25-year-old man, who was… not ugly… Great with my daughter and said yes immediately to every chore I asked him to do with a positive attitude, Oh, you best believe that I would eat the shit out of his butthole. Every day. Every day would be an all-day nanny butthole buffet. I don’t care if his 25 year old butt cheeks got all nervous and clenched up and closed on my face like elevator doors, I would get in there and… Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining! A lot of people also often ask me, “Ali, what on Earth do your parents think about your stand-up comedy?” Now that’s a very racilly-charged question, right? Like, what they’re really asking is, “What do your oppressive Asian parents who beat you with the SAT book until your fingers bled from playing the cello think about your butthole-licking jokes?” My older sister is an unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother’s property. So I can do whatever I want. Yeah. Whatever I want! I could take a shit on this stage right now, and my mom would be like, “You bring so much honor to our family. I am so proud of you, my golden child.” And then a lot of people also seem to wonder, “Ali, now that you have a daughter, are you gonna tone it down?” Here’s the thing, just because you became a parent, doesn’t mean you grew up. Yeah. Broey dudes become broey dads. I’m the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom, now just with more responsibility, and I’m barely rising to the occasion. And I’m not ashamed, I’m not going to hide that I was very sexually active in my twenties. You know why? Because everybody knows the secret now that when a woman sleeps with a man right away, it’s not because we don’t respect ourselves, it’s because we don’t respect you. We don’t see you as marriage material. That’s why we let your dick inside so fast. By letting you in, we’re really kicking you out of our future. “Bye, Felicia, be on your merry little way.” We’re just trying to have fun, we’re not trying to trap your ass. But… But you better be careful because when a man… When a man doesn’t sleep with you right away, oh… oh, it’s not because he respects you, it’s because he has a small dick. And he’s trying to trap you. Do not fall for that trap. I’m gonna repeat that shit to my daughter over and over and over again. Do not fall for that trap. I fell for that shit once, fell in love and into a semi long-term relationship with a man who kept on wanting to wait to have sex, and I assumed it was because he thought I was so special, and amazing, and worth waiting for… He was hiding something! Months later he finally agrees to get busy and unveils this tiny mess of a thing that wouldn’t even reach your molars. It was a black dude. Creepy, right? Like seeing a homeless Asian person, “What happened to you?” “Oh my God, who are your parents? Truly!” It was a black dude, and I told all my black friends about it, and they were like, “Where the fuck is he at? We need to assassinate him right now before he further threatens to tarnish our sacred reputation!” It was the first and last time I had ever seen an actual micropenis. And my honest first reaction when I saw it was… “Oh, my God, are you okay? What happened, did you just get hit by a bus? Did a car outside just like sideswipe your dick off, and now is your dick rolling around on the street like a severed snake head? And should we get a mason jar and just scoop it up, and bring you both to the hospital to have you sewed back together? Wait a minute. Wait a minute… Is this some sort of Princess and the Frog test? Did a witch curse you a long time ago as punishment for calling her ugly? And now if I put that in my mouth to prove that I love you, as a reward for my love, will it expand? Like one of those magic towels you pour water on?” My life has changed dramatically in the past year, because a year ago, nobody knew who the fuck I was. And when I was warming up to tape my very first stand-up comedy special I did four shows in my hometown, San Francisco. And I was so excited, I was super pumped. And then I couldn’t sell out all the tickets, so they had to put half of them up on Groupon. I know a lot of you are having a Chinese heart attack right now. “Oh my God… You mean to tell me I could’ve seen this bitch a year ago for $10?” Look, I love Groupon, okay? But it was so depressing and demoralizing to see my face and my picture next to… whale watching tours, Teeth whitening services, and discontinued dildos on clearance. I was like, “This is sad.” And then fast forward to last year, my Netflix special Baby Cobra premiered Mother’s Day weekend. And it was crazy, nothing like that had ever happened to me before. All of a sudden scalpers were charging up to $1,000 a ticket to see me headline live. Over 300 people dressed up as me while I was pregnant in that striped dress for Halloween. And I was so happy. Until I realized that I have no interest in being famous. I don’t. All I ever wanted was more money for less effort. I just wanna collect checks in my pajamas. Play a piece of tofu in a Pixar movie or something. Yeah, come on, you see it, the tofu’s got glasses, a lot of attitude, sings some song about the joy of soy with Justin Timberlake. My arch nemesis can be a piece of beef played by Idris Elba, Named Stringer Beef or something. I’m not even that famous and already I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s a burden! Occasionally now, I will be eating at a fancy restaurant and will get recognized by both the wait staff and the chef and think to myself, “Oh, great. Now I have to tip more.” And I do have more money now, and now I make a lot more money than my husband by like a long shot. Well, my mom is very concerned that he’s going to leave me out of intimidation. I had to explain to her that the only kind of man that would leave a woman who makes more money, is the kind of man that doesn’t like free money. “Oh, but Ali, he doesn’t feel small?” He’s too busy living large on my new salary! “Oh. Oh… Oh, but Ali, doesn’t he feel like you took something away from him?” Oh, do you mean like the pressure to provide? Which I have lifted from his shoulders. He’s chilling. He walks into work now every day two hours late like this, “Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you! Fire me, I don’t give a shit. My wife’s rich, bitch. Yeah! Yeah, this job is just an eccentric hobby for me now.” It was not supposed to go down like this. Okay? I was supposed to be him. I’m supposed to be the one chilling. He graduated from Harvard Business School. I have a BA from UCLA in Ethnic Studies. Ethnic studies is a major where you study how to blame everything on white people, it’s not supposed to yield income. Nobody, no one could have predicted this outcome. So much so, that before we got married, his family made me sign a prenup. It’s true, and now if we get divorced, their son is fucked. No more sashimi on a Tuesday! No more fancy Japanese toilet bidet where water comes out and Hello Kitty sings the song until your butthole’s fresh and clean. Go back to drinking flat water, bitch! It is said that if you earn more in the relationship, then you are the breadwinner. I think my husband’s the real breadwinner, because he won a bread machine. Being a woman and the breadwinner is not all that, okay? Because you get insecure, you do, about having too much power, so then you overcompensate in the marriage by letting the husband have a say and… And then on top of that, you know, I get very insecure as being seen as like an ice cold, workaholic mom, so then I’m the main caregiver of our daughter, too. And I’m exhausted! I’m overwhelmed! So now when my husband and I role play, I request that he call me “a simple ho”. Because that is my greatest fantasy, to be an illiterate farm girl, With no responsibility or decision-making power. We’ll get really into it, too. He’ll be like, “You! You are nothing but a simple ho!” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a real dummy. I don’t know the alphabet, I don’t know how to count, I don’t know the difference between shapes and colors. I can’t be trusted to deposit checks or do anything important, for I am just a simple ho.” Despite having more money, I keep it real, okay? I am still a Chinese-Vietnamese person, okay? Yeah. I literally watch my Netflix special on my sister-in-law’s login. To this day, I do not have my own account. After I filmed Baby Cobra, Netflix sent me a Netflix baby onesie and a basket. You know those baskets that white people like to give with the biscotti, and the cheese, and the caramel popcorn, and all the other shit that Asian people have no interest in whatsoever. I was like, “Give me an account! I don’t need this shit that I’m allergic to, give me an account!” I still buy all my shit on Craigslist, nothing in my house is new. But now, I have to go in a disguise because last week I forgot my sunglasses and my hat and I was haggling with this dude over a bike helmet. He was like, “Twenty.” I was like, “Ten.” He was like, “Okay, 17.” I was like, “Uh-uh, I see a scratch on there. Ten.” And finally he says to me, “Um, you know, I could swear, I… Aren’t you Ali Wong? Why are you haggling with me over this bike helmet? I’m a college student who, as you can see, lives in a studio apartment with roommates.” I was like… “Shame on you. We don’t all look alike! Give me that helmet. Me no speak-a the English! My name is not Ali Wong, my name is Grace Lee! I dare you to Google Image Grace Lee. Your computer will burst into flames!” I make fun of my husband a lot, but the reality is that he is my best friend. Yes, I’m very serious. I’m very lucky to have gotten to marry my best friend, and our whole dynamic confuses my mother because it’s the inverse of what she had with my father. She was like, “Your father was not my best friend. I cannot believe how comfortable you guys are around each other. Do you fart in front of your husband?” I fart in my husband. ‘Cause we are best friends. I hope that he and I always stay together, truly, you know? ‘Cause a lot of times when comedians get successful, they inevitably get divorced from their first spouse, and then at the age of, like, 50 or 60, they like to trade up for a new one that’s, like, a third of their age. As a woman, that has zero appeal to me. You think I wanna fuck an 18-year-old boy when I’m on the precipice of menopause? Have some nervous teenager do three pumps and then bust a nut in my old-ass pussy? No, thank you. No gracias. I don’t wanna fuck an 18-year-old boy, not now, not ever again, because they’re 18, they’re terrible in bed. Do you remember when we were all teenagers? It was horrible for teenage girls because oral sex was all one-way. As a teenage girl, you never ever got your pussy eaten, but you sucked so many dicks. You’d suck a dick under a bridge, in the bathroom, in the forest. But as a teenage girl, you never just casually got your pussy eaten behind the bleachers, “Come on, Gary. Come on… Come on, Gary. Come on. Just lie down on your back, Gary. Come on, like you’re gonna change oil. Come on, Gary!” “Did you see that wicked serve I made in that tennis match? Come on, Elliot, come on. Congratulations to me! Come on, Elliot. Come on, Elliot. Come on.” “There are no more children in this playground. Come on, Spencer. Come on! It’s dark, Spencer, come on!” You had to, like, wait until your 20s to get your pussy eaten, and even then it was not very good because it’s very personal. Do you know how long it took me to train my husband to eat my pussy correctly? I’m not going back out into the world, find somebody new to coach all over again. It’s too much work. All of that knowledge that my husband has now, all that time I invested, all of that muscle memory lives and dies with him. You can’t store that in some sort of I-pussy cloud and then just download it to a new husband 2.0. He is bespoke to me. Irreplaceable! Yes. Look, many patient nights I wanted to fake it, okay? But I knew that it was so fundamental for the long-term that he get it right, and that lying to him would just be cheating myself. And so, I would shove his head down there and keep it down there until his face got prunie. Many nights, he’d enter 7:00 p.m. looking like a 30-year-old man, exit hours later looking like Tommy Lee Jones. You know how hard it is for a young Asian man to suddenly transform into Tommy Lee Jones? I think a big part of being good at eating pussy is that you just got to be into it, okay? Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm. It’s a privilege, so act like you know, okay? Yes! Yeah, don’t hesitate. Don’t… Like you’re some toddler being forced to eat broccoli. Get in there! And hold your own goddamn head up, too, don’t use my thigh as a tripod and just… Fall into a food coma before you finish your meal. Lately, I have been ruminating a lot over this one time I hooked up with this dude, and in the middle of kissing, I felt the responsibility to stop and say, “Hey, I should really let you know now before we go any further that… I’m on my period.” And he was like, “Oh… Well… Then let’s make a fucking mess, Ali!” To this day, that is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. I think about it when I feel down and ugly and no good. All I have to do is remember that there was once a man out there who was willing to yank out my tampon and replace it with his dick! It made me feel beautiful. Beautiful! (cheers and applause). There is nothing more empowering and truly feminist than what that man said that day. That is straight up hashtag… I’m with her. You know, I think I used to be a much different comic before I had the baby. I used to do a lot more jokes about sucking dick and my pussy, but now… not as many jokes about… Sucking dick and my pussy because… I don’t suck dick no more. When you give birth to a baby, they hand you a diploma that says, “Congratulations, you’ve earned the right to not suck dick out of obligation anymore.” If my husband were to demand that I suck his dick, I would laugh in his face. And then I would go to sleep, and guess what? In the morning, he’s still there, ain’t no consequence. We’re handcuffed together by a baby and a mortgage. Checkmate, bitch. It’s over. You ain’t got nowhere to run. I don’t gotta suck your dick anymore, you owe me money. And I don’t do as many jokes about my pussy anymore because my pussy… is gone. It’s gone. Physically it’s quite intact because I had the C-section, but emotionally and spiritually… Ghost in the Shell. Ghost in the Shell, it’s an Asian character being played by Scarlett Johansson! Yeah. My husband and I, we don’t fuck no more. We just jack off side-by-side while we fantasize about Puerto Rican people. I don’t have the energy to climb on top of him, clean up after sex, put that towel on the bed to absorb that post-sex wet spot. You know, that perfectly round-ass wet spot on the bed that gets all cold in the winter time. It’s like an ice fishing hole. Because it smells like penguins. And is narrated by Morgan Freeman. All right, I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you! ♪ Graphic displays melt the steel Like blacksmiths♪ ♪ Black Wu jackets Queen Beez ease the guns in♪ ♪ Rumblin’ patrolmen Tear gas laced the function♪ ♪ Heads by the score take flight Incite a war ♪ ♪ Chicks hit the floor Die hard fans demand more♪ ♪ Behold the bold soldier Control the globe slowly♪ ♪ Proceeds to blow Swingin’ swords like Shinobi♪ ♪ Stomp grounds I pound footprints in solid rock♪ ♪ Wu got it locked Performin’ live on your hottest block♪ ♪ As the world turns I spread like germs ♪ ♪ Bless the globe with the pestilence♪ ♪ The hard-headed never learn♪ ♪ It’s my testament to those burned♪ ♪ Play my position in the game of life Standing firm♪ ♪ On foreign land, jump the gun Out the frying pan into the fire♪ ♪ Transform into the Ghostrider Or Six Pack ♪ ♪ In A Streetcar Named Desire Who got my back?♪ ♪ In the line of fire holding back What? ♪ ♪ My peoples if you with me Where the fuck you at?♪ ♪ N i g g a s is strapped And they trying to twist my beer cap♪ ♪ It’s court adjourned For the bad seed from bad sperm♪ ♪ Herb got my wig fried like a bad perm♪ ♪ What the blood clot We smoke pot♪ ♪ And blow spots You want to think twice, I think not ♪ ♪ The Iron Lung ain’t got to tell you Where it’s coming from♪ ♪ Guns of Navarone Tearing up your battle zone ♪ ♪ Rip through your slums ♪ ♪ I twist darts from the heart Tried and true ♪ ♪ Loot my voice on the LP My team is on to slang rocks♪ ♪ Certified chatterbox Vocabulary ‘Donna talking ♪ ♪ Tell your story walking♪ ♪ Take cover kid, what? Run for your brother, kid♪ ♪ Run for your team And your six camp rhyme groupies♪ ♪ So I can squeeze with the advantage And get wasted♪ ♪ My deadly notes reigns supreme♪ ♪ Your fort is basic compared to mine♪ ♪ Domino effect, arts and crafts♪ ♪ Paragraphs contain cyanide♪ ♪ Take a free ride on my thought♪ ♪ I got the fashion catalog For all y’all ♪ ♪ To all praise to the Gods ♪ ♪ The saga continues♪ ♪ Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

DOUG STANHOPE ON NATIONALISM

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-on-nationalism/

From No Refunds, recorded at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City (March 12, 2007) Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you’ve never met. All of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever. If you’re American you’ll go, ‘Fuck the French. If we hadn’t saved their asses in World War II, they’d be speaking German right now.’ And you go, ‘Oh, was that us?’ Was that me and you, Tommy? We saved the French? Jesus. I know I blacked out a little after that fourth shot of Jägermeister last night, but I don’t remember… I know we were going through the Wendy’s drive-thru to get one of them ‘Freshetta’ sandwiches that looked so alluring on the commercial, but then we ordered it and realized we had no money, and we had to ditch out before the second window, and those douche-bags in line behind us with the bass music probably got our order and we laughed about that. But I don’t remember saving the French at all. I went through the last ten calls on my cell phone and there’s nothing from the French, looking for muscle on a project. I checked my pants; there’s no mud stains on the knees from when we were garroting Krauts in the trenches at Verdun. I think *we* didn’t do anything but watch sports bloopers while we got hammered. I think *we* should shut the fuck up. It’s silly, all the stuff. Tradition and heritage, it’s dead people’s baggage, quit carrying it. Did you make it up?” “No it was passed on to me” “Pass it back” Every immigration argument that you hear, they never come from a ” well how does it affect you personally?” Well, you know these immigrants, they come to our country, they burden our tax system. What they do is they come here and get into our education system and our health care and I gotta pay the taxes. My taxes have to pay that. Well what the fuck are you doing to me every time you have a kid? Every time you have a kid ’cause its American I should pull up a Chez lounge and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you? Pay every[one]…. Oh, I can’t wait to pay for these! They’re American! I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record, but I can’t wait for all your fucking fat-headed mid-western kids to come out here. What are you [ ], come on, these [ ] gonna keep on multiplying! Love it! Love it! I’ll take a second job. No keep… All these immigrants they don’t fuck – they don’t speak the language. Then don’t talk to ’em. That will solve your problem that was quick. You know who speaks the language perfectly? Your next door neighbor, you’ve lived there eight-and-a-half years and you never said one fuckin’ word to that guy. You avert eye contact should you check the mail at the same time. [mimicking] So why would you give a shit if the guy is selling ‘Gen gen obes’ in the park / street. It’s none of your fucking business. And all – and all the cliche arguments, like they’re lazy, they don’t shift this, criminals and all this – they all those arguments go against the main cliche argument of that the’re taking American jobs – I live on the Mexican border, I live seven miles of the Mexican border in a town, Bisbee, Arizona – little town – [Applause] I can go out any day and watch border patrol arresting these guys by the dozen, 11 at a time out of a Dodge Omni; like a clown car with plastic cuffs ‘yeah yeah’ and you’re right they don’t speak the language, and they probably have no education they don’t have fuckin shoes half the time, barefoot, tattered cast away like Gilligan’s Island shorts and ‘hey’ like a dirty t-shirt and dehydrated, wandering a desert for 4 days and if that guy is as qualified for your job as you are; you’re a fucking loser of such epic humiliating proportions. I would be ashamed to have anyone find out that guy took my job, he doesn’t speak English! What did they do your job training in pantomime shithead? ‘Oh — boy boy I see boy boy’ – crank, crank, crank, uh…. da da da … you’re out of here mullet heads. Hey guys my god, fuck asshole you should have tried harder. Nobody bitches about immigrants taking that job, if that person has skills of any level. Nothing like fucking brain surgeon sitting around the Beverly Hills hotel lounge, you know really, chaps my ass Barry? Scandinavian fellas are coming over taking all our good neurosurgery positions. The Norwegians specifically. I say we found ourselves a bottle of Jack Daniels and go stomp us some Ouija ass, the first Ouija we see. We — jump out of that Explorer and pound him. Fucking immigrants all started with that Einstein, once they brought him over from Germany and we didn’t have any good genius jobs, it was a trickle-down effect.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

NIKKI GLASER: PERFECT (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nikki-glaser-perfect-2016-full-transcript/

* * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * I cannot touch that thing * It is not mine * I do not take, I do not take * * No matter how you shine * I cannot take a gift * That isn’t true * * I love myself, I love myself * * Too much to love you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, thank you. New York, thank you. Stop it. Stop it. How are you guys? Yeah, I am whoo too. I’m feeling whoo. I… it’s so good to be here. I am in the prime of my life. I’m in my late 20s. I’m 31, and it’s just… It’s going great. I… that’s a woman’s age. Like, I am a woman, but I don’t feel like one most of the time. I’m still feeling like a girl a lot of times. Like, I’m still relating to Taylor Swift songs on a level I definitely shouldn’t, you know? But, like, my back hurts a lot, so I’m like, “Oh, that’s right, I can’t shake it off. “Like, I wish… I wish I could.” I’m on Snapchat, you know? But, like, I Google bunion surgery every day, so looking into that. It’s weird, like, I feel confident most of the time, but there are times when I’m like, “Ugh.” Like, the other day, I got jealous of a dog’s thigh gap. I’m not proud of that. Just like, “How does she do it?” “I have to switch to kibble. “I just got to do it. Bitch.” But I’m just, like, not where I should be, I feel, as a 31-year-old. I don’t want a lot of things that girls my age want. I don’t want kids. I do want a baby, though, so it’s like, ugh, you know? ‘Cause that’s… They become that, and so… Yeah, I do want a baby, but, like, I feel like most women want babies, and that’s maybe why so many of us exist, ’cause babies are so cute, everyone wants one. They’re like the puppies of humans, I’ve heard. I think a scientist said that once, and, you know, it’s like… And that’s all you hear women say when they’re gonna have kids. They’re like, “Oh, we’re trying for a baby.” “Oh, we’re gonna have a baby.” “We just had a baby. Baby.” And it’s like, “Yeah, I know, but, like, “eventually it’s just gonna be some dude named Doug. “You know that, right? Like, it’s just gonna be a guy.” Like, it’s always “baby,” but it’s like, it’s a baby this much of the time you know it, and then it’s all Doug. Like, it’s just a… No one’s ever like, “Oh, we’re having a man.” That’s what you should say. “Yeah, I don’t want a Doug.” “I don’t,” but the thing is, I do want a baby. I have baby fever. Like, I see a baby, and I’m like, “Ugh.” My body’s just like, “Make one,” like, I just… But again, you know, like, it’ll strike you in the weirdest times. My boyfriend sent me a picture of him holding his cousin’s new baby, and it was… It had to have been the hottest picture I’ve ever seen of my boyfriend. I was just, like, so attracted, ’cause he was, like, naked and fully erect, but it was also, like… That was it. I was like, “You never hold me like that, you know?” Just for Caleb?” Ugh. No, he was clothed. Still erect, but clothed, and… But he was just holding this baby. He just looked like a father, and I was just like, “Oh.” Like, it was so hot, but I was like, “I’ll never have that, like, ’cause I don’t want kids.” So I was like, “Is there a way he could, like, fuck me holding a baby?” Like, we could just, like, borrow a friend’s baby for a few minutes. Like, not… don’t think… It’s nothing gross. Like, he would just hold it like this. It wouldn’t even know. It would feel soothed and rocked, I feel like. It might fall asleep. I don’t know. If it wakes up, we’ll blindfold it. Like, I don’t want to damage your baby either, you know? Or if you have, like, a blind baby, that would be perfect. Is this weird, you guys? Is that a weird question? I do… I like kids. I’m not good with kids, though. Some people are just naturally good with kids, like Bill Cosby. Like, he was so great with kids. We forget that. He was great with kids. Women not so much, but kids, just mmm! I’m not… I mean, I babysat for years, ’cause this family just never came home, but… That was difficult. It’s hard. Babysitting is hard. It’s like, “Ugh.” ‘Cause it’s like, you’re a mother, but you don’t love them, so it’s, like, hard to care. You know what I mean? I’m just like, “Your kid doesn’t look like me.” Like, I don’t care what happens.” Like, I wouldn’t be mean, but I was just like, “You can go watch TV. You’re not gonna be president.” Let’s be honest with ourselves. “Like, you know?” I’m sure your kids are different, though. I… yeah, I just feel like I’m past my prime to have kids a little bit. Like, I feel like I should have done it in my teens. Like, that would have been the best time. It’s like they discourage it almost exclusively, but they shouldn’t. Like, when I was in high school, I was, like… I was… I’m busy now, but, like, what was I doing then, you know? Like, homework? Not really. Like, I had five years to just do whatever I wanted, you know? All I did was eat cereal and watch Saved by the Bell. Like, you can have a baby through all of that. It’s a great time to do it. First of all, your body bounces right back, so that’s sweet. Like, when you’re 16 and you have a baby at, like, 11:00 a.m., you can be at cheerleading practice at 4:00, top of the pyramid, ready to go. Maybe not the top. You’re still a little leaky, but you’re there. You could be there. I’m sure you’re suited up. Also, if I had a baby now, like, my parents couldn’t help me at all. They live in St. Louis. I’m in L.A. Like, it would be too hard, but if… if you’re in high school and you have a kid, like, you live with your mom and dad or probably just your mom. Let’s be honest. Yeah, your dad probably split a while ago, but your mom’s there, you know? She’s hanging out, vaping, watching Dr. Phil, something like that. Like, I feel like that’s how she busies herself. She can help. She can… You could just hand the baby to her and be like, “Here, Mom, try again. “He’s yours now. “Yeah, you kind of fucked up the first time, “since that’s mine and I can’t drive, so… “Yeah, his name’s Mulligan. “I really feel like you can nail it this time if you just, like, focus and stop playing the lottery.” That would have been a good time. I’d have it over with too. If I had a baby when I was, like, 15, she’d be 16 now, probably have a granddaughter on the way. Like, that would be perfect for me. I could handle life as a nana, you know? That’s what I call my grandma, ’cause when I was little, I couldn’t pronounce “old bitch,” so that’s what I came up with, and that’s… No. No, she’s sweet. She wouldn’t even hurt a fly, ’cause flies don’t understand verbal abuse, so she would just, like, keep screaming at it and calling it fat, and it would keep flying. You know, they can’t hear, so… No, I shouldn’t do these jokes till she’s dead. It’s like, I can’t wait a week? You know, she’s very sick, but comedy comes first. That’s what she always said. She never said that, but… But, yeah, I just… I might change my mind, though. I think girls change their mind about kids a lot. I got to decide kind of soon, though. If I wait too long, I’m gonna do a surrogacy, ’cause the longer you wait as a woman, the higher the risk that, you know, you won’t get your body back, and so I’m just gonna put that on someone else. It’s also… Like, I just found out that with a surrogacy, you can give your egg to a girl, and then it comes out of her looking like you. I didn’t know… I thought it had to look like Juno or whoever. Like, I didn’t know that you could just… I found this out. I’m like, “Why doesn’t everyone do that?” Like, I know it’s very expensive, but, like, if you could do it, why does anyone, like, say, “I want to have my own?” Because to me, that’s like… If someone was like, “Hey, do you want me to make you a pizza?” And you’re like, “No, I want to do it myself”, “but thank you. Yeah, I really want to bond with my pizza.” I’d be like, “Really? ‘Cause I can go make it for you.” “It’ll taste the same as if you make it, “and also your vagina won’t be ruined, so are you… you sure?” I’m like, “Please, make that.” Sounds gross, but I’ll eat it, but…” But I do… there’s some things about having your own kid that I would be like, “Oh, that’d be fun.” Like, you can make them do stuff by telling them how long you carried them. Like, my mom used to do that to get me to clean my room. She’d be like, “Will you clean your room? I carried you for nine months, come on.” It never really worked on me, ’cause I was like, “Don’t tell me I was in there that long. “Like, I know how much you drink, “and, like, I’ve never seen you take a weekend off “that I can remember. “I doubt you went nine months when you were 25. “Like, I can do the math, you know? “Like, barely, ’cause you drank while you were pregnant with me, but…” It’s a struggle. I have to go to Kumon every night. Oh, we got some Kumon fans in the crowd. What is the deal with Kumon? I’m so confused by that place. Okay, it’s, like, a tutoring place that you’re supposed to send your kids, but the sign… The logo… Is a bummed-out smiley face. It’s so confusing. It literally is, like, a sad, depressed smi… It’s just like, “Kumon,” like… I’m always like, “What’s going on?” And I’m always peering in. They’re like, “Ah,” as I get arrested, but, like, you just, like… I’m always like, “What’s going on at Kumon?” They won’t let you know, but here’s what I think is happening. I think it’s, like, a bunch of students, like, at desks working on their stuff, and then there’s just, like, tutors hanging over them just like, “Kumon.” Like, that’s all they say, but it works. I really hope that’s it. Please be it. But, yeah. So, yeah, I might do a surrogacy. It is… it is a… It would be kind of fun, because you get to hang out with this chick all day. You know, she’s having your baby. Her name’s Brenda or whatever you name her. You get to name your surrogate. I heard that. I think that’s a thing. Brenda seems fitting. She’s hanging out with you, but your loved ones are gonna want to know why. Like, “Why… what’s wrong?” And, you know, you got to tell them a good reason. You can’t just be like, “Oh, I’m vain, so, you know… You know that about me.” Like, you can’t… You have to have… Like, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m barren,” and then bum everyone out, you know? Like, that’s the worst word. And I… honestly, I don’t want to say that, ’cause I think I might be, and I don’t want to jinx it, you know, like, I… Yeah, it’s a miracle I haven’t been pregnant yet. Like, something… Not even a scare, you guys. Like, I’m a little suspish. Like, things aren’t working like they should. Like, I… I use the pill, but, like, I take the pill like people take fish oil. Like, “Oh, this would be good to do today.” Like, no, every day, same time. I can’t remember, so I switched to the IUD. My doctor put me on the IUD, and… which I don’t know if you’ve heard… It’s, like, the thing… You just, like, set it and forget it, and you just… you don’t have to do anything. You got to put it… There’s a two-year, and then there’s a five-year. I went with the five-year lease, and gonna leave it in for ten, roll the dice, you know, just see what happens. Like, there’s no way I’m gonna remember to take it out. I’m definitely gonna die with it inside me, but… That’s, like, certain, you know? No, it’s, like, the most painful procedure ever. Like, I had no idea. I blacked out during it, ’cause I was drunk, but, like, the pain was also probably a thing, and it was… It’s so weird, ’cause then they do… They do an ultrasound to, like… Which is… I’m like, “This is why I’m here, is to never have to put jelly on my stomach,” with a doctor like, “Whoa.” He’s doing that. He’s showing me on the screen where it is. He’s like, “There it is.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, it’s so beautiful.” “Like, oh, my God. “My future is so bright. “Like, that’s crazy. “Like, all my disposable income, “it’s, like, right in front of me. “Like, so many naps. Like, so many naps.” I had him print it up so I could give it to my mom and, like, ruin her day. That was fun. It was mean. It was not nice. She was like, “No way,” and I was like, “No way, five years, maybe ten.” IUD, I recommend it. I forgot what the name was so many times. Like, I kept saying other… There’s so many acronyms in medicine. For a while I was saying… I was bragging to my friends, like, “I got the new five-year UTI.” Got it, yeah,”. And they’re like, “Why are you dancing? “That sounds terrible. “Here’s all the cranberry juice in the world. You’ll need it.” It’s not an IED either. That’s… don’t do that. IUD… I remember it now, ’cause it’s “DUI” backwards. That’s how my mom taught me, so… But, yeah, so I’m gonna… I’m gonna do that. I’m gonna… this is the thing with a surrogacy. If someone asks you why you’re doing it, you could just make up anything. Like, no one is a doctor, right? So, like, you could just say… I mean, like, some people are, but, like, most people, not doctors. So, if they’re like, “Why are you doing a surrogacy?” I can just be like, “Oh, I’m just doing one… “Actually, Brenda’s having my baby for me. “I’m glad you asked. “My vagina’s too small for a baby, so… I mean, it’s, like, so tight in there that, like…” “Well, I have TPS, which is tight pussy syndrome, “as you know, as… You didn’t know? “Yes, it’s, like… well, the word ‘pussy, ‘ it is in it. “I know that seems weird. “It does, but when it’s this tight, “it’s… medically, it’s called a pussy. “That’s true, so… “And I don’t usually tell people this, “so could you just, like, tell everyone? “That would be great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Come on, Brenda,”. And she’s on a leash, and we just walk off like, “Bye.” But you got to sell it. You got to walk like this. “So tight, oh, the burden.” That’s my dream. I’m like, “Ugh,” doesn’t hurt. I’m gonna do that. But, yeah, I don’t want kids yet. I don’t want to get married. It helps that my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me, so that’s like… That’s convenient. For a while, he was like, “I don’t want to get married until gay people can get married.” And then I was like, “They can!” He was like, “Yeah, I never thought that would happen, so…” I was like, “Oh, I thought that was weird you were protesting all those times, so…” He doesn’t want to get marr… I don’t really c… I don’t need, like, a big reception. I don’t want a whole to-do. I never want to have to slow-dance with my dad in front of all of my friends. Like, that seems… Like, that’s something we do alone together, and I don’t want to ruin that. Like, I feel… you know? Thank you, yeah. And, like, what if the band doesn’t know Ginuwine’s “Pony”? Are we supposed to just, like, freestyle to whatever they come up with? That seems humiliating, you know? Uh-uh. So, yeah. So, yeah. I also don’t like the fact that when you get married, as a woman you just kind of give up your last name. Like, you really… it’s nice to take your husband’s name, but then you’re like, “Oh, this thing “I’ve had my whole life that’s my whole identity “that my great-grandparents came through Ellis Island with? “I’ll just throw it in the trash. This guy seems cool. Bye.” Like, that’s… What? You really, like… Your name is nothing after you get married. All it is is, like, your shithead son’s bank account security question answer. That’s all your name is. What? Only time it comes up, yeah. And he’s got to call you, ’cause he doesn’t even know it. Like, that’s the one call you get from him a month. “Mom, I’m locked out of my account again. Hey, what’s your old name?” He calls it an old name. You’re like, “You mean my maiden name?” He’s like, “Whatever.” “Uh, Jones.” He’s like, “Can you spell it?” And you’re like, “Fucking Doug.” Like, Jesus Christ.” “Why couldn’t you stay a baby?” That is weird that that’s the question that they came up with. Like, the banks were like, “What worthless piece “of information could we ask for “that no one would ever know about this man to protect his finances?” And some guy’s like, “What about his mother’s name?” And they’re like, “Perfect. Who gives a shit, right?” “His mother’s name.” That’s the question? That’s… so is that… That seems like something people should know about you, but it’s that question, then your first concert. So it’s your name, and then your son’s first concert are just… Your name and Limp Bizkit are just fighting for the top spot. So rude. Your name really just… You’re just like, “I don’t really see it anymore.” Sometimes women get divorced, but they keep their ex-husband’s last names ’cause they’re just like, “I just don’t want to go to the DMV. “Like, I don’t care. “Like, I’ll just live with this man’s name I hate because I don’t want to wait in line.” Like, I get it. ‘Cause your name disappears. That’s why I want to marry someone with my same last name, save the trouble. Not a cousin, ’cause they’re poor, but, like, a… Like, uh… Like another Glaser. I could find one and… But if we had kids, I would still make my kids hyphenate their names just to be a dick about it. I don’t know. Like, they’d be like, “Mom, why are we Glaser-Glaser?” I’m like, “I don’t know. I want you to sound like” tiny little law firms, okay?” That’s… that’s why. “This is my son, Cooper Glaser-Glaser “and Associates. His sister, Associates.” “It’s a strange name, yeah.” But, yeah, so I’m gonna do that. But we’ve been together… My boyfriend and I… We’ve been together, like, three years. We’ve broken up, like, three times, but we always get back together, so we’re gonna make it, and that’s, like, really promising. No, it is. It’s been good. He broke up with me once ’cause he kind of, like, found out I was lying about who I was in the beginning of our relationship to kind of trap him into one. I was like, “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do that.” Like… but what if I don’t like me?” I really was, like, pretending to be this version of a girl that he would fall in love with. You know, I was just walking around like, “What would Khaleesi do?” Like, I just… I didn’t know what… I was like, “He likes that show, I think, you know?” So I just, like, walked around topless, got a bunch of lizards. I didn’t think it through, but… I hid a couple things. I wasn’t lying about who I was. I kind of put… I feel like I put Spanx on my personality. Like, I was just, like, tucking some things in, you know? Here’s a… like… I don’t know. Like, he’s a lot cleaner than I am. We were getting ready for bed once, and you know when you’re, like, first, like, hanging out with someone and you start sleeping over, and your hygiene habits kind of meet up, and yours are just, like, not really up to snuff? But you just, like, fake it. You’re just like, “I always brush them this long. “That’s cool, yeah. “Oh, you get the bottoms? That’s neat. I’ll try that. All right.” And then my arm is going numb. He’s still going. I’m just like, “Cool, we’re still doing this?” Like, I get through that. I’m, like, headed out of the bathroom. He’s like, “You got to floss,” and I was like, “You got to floss. What am I doing? Okay, here we go.” I’m just like, just gushing blood, just like, “What?” “That’s not… This never happens. “I must have hit something. This is weird. “This is the first time. “Both ends are on our period. Is that not right? Okay.” Don’t say that. So, yeah, he’s… We’ve been taking showers together recently, which is, like, mmm, ’cause I just think he, like, wants me to shower more, so that’s cool. I’ll take what I can get, like… He’s like, “Let’s get in.” I’m like, “Whoo.” He’s just, like, scrubbing my back a little too much. I’m like, “What are you doing?” And I was like, “Do you want a blow job?” He’s like, “Let’s get your feet first.” I’m like, “Okay, all right.” And I was like, “Do you have, like, a foot fetish?” He’s like, “No, you have a foot fungus”, “and you should get this looked at. It’s of concern.” I’m like, “It doesn’t scrub off.” But he’s, like, a clean freak. You can’t compete with that. Like, he takes up to three showers a week, and it’s like, “We get it, Dr. Oz. Like, ugh.” I don’t know. I just… I am a very fast showerer. He’s always like, “How do you get anything done in there?” And I’m just like, “You know what? “I came from a house “where we didn’t shower for very long, “’cause we didn’t have a lot of hot water, “and my dad watched us, so, you know, we just got in and out.” We all know that family, so… But it’s been good. I broke up with him the first time because we were a year into our relationship, and he would not say “I love you.” A year in, and I needed to hear it, ’cause my friends told me I did, so that’s when you know. That’s really when you know, ’cause I was, like, trying to be cool about it, like… ’cause friends talk about that. Girls are very aware of when you’re not saying “I love you.” It’s, like, first base for us. When we get together with our girlfriends, we’re not like, “Oh, did you finger him last night?” Like, we don’t care about that. Like, you know, we’re just like, “Did he say ‘I love you’? When’s he gonna say it?” And, like, I didn’t have anything to tell them. I was just… just trying to play it cool. I was like, “I don’t need to hear it, you know?” “I just… I know he does. “Like, the way he, like, high-fives me after sex, “like, there’s no question. Like, you wouldn’t just do that.” They were like, “Okay, well… well, does he… Does he talk about the future at all?” And I was like, “Yeah, you know, like, flying cars, robots”, “like, climate change. “We’re all worried, so he’s no different, you know?” Oh, but they were so mad, and so I went back to him. I was furious too, and I was just like, “Why don’t you love me?” you know, like, in a super lovable tone and just, like, crying in the street, and he just didn’t want to say it. He was sweet about it, ’cause he was very calm, and it was just like… He was honest, you know? He was just like, “I can’t… I can’t say it,” and I was like, “Okay, well, let’s find “a good speech therapist. “Like, let’s get you in a program. “Like, honestly, I thought this was feelings for you, “but clearly it’s phonics, “so this is, like, such a relief. “I know someone at Kumon. This is gonna be great. Come here, like…” He really… he… This is what he did say. He was like… he was like, “I can’t say ‘I love you.'” I was like, “You just did. I’ll take it.” “Thank you so much. You can stop right there. That counts,”. But he was like, “No.” This is what he gave me. He was like, “I can’t say ‘I love you.'” He was like, “But I’m enthusiastic about being with you.” Thank… One girl just goes… Thank you so much. You feel me. I know. Every girl in here is like, “You poor bitch. Like, oh, my God.” Thank you. Every girl has that reaction, and every guy is always like, “That’s one of the most sincere things you could ever say. That’s better than ‘I love you.'” “I’m enthusiastic about being with you.” I’m like, “Oh, am I Enterprise Rent-A-Car” “giving you a customer survey? “Would you recommend me to your friends who are more emotionally available?” I’ve only had, really, two serious boyfriends in my life, and the first one definitely did not say it on his own. He was a blackout drunk with a twin bed, and that second part’s not really that important. I just kind of want to paint a picture. He had a twin bed. He was 30 with a twin bed, and I would be like, “Can you upgrade to a full so I feel like a woman?” And… that’s all it takes, you know… And he was like, “No, it’s an extra-long twin.” I was like, “Ooh, a California twin, wow.” “Am I Rihanna? Jesus.” So he would get blackout drunk all the time. We were long-distance. He would get caught making out with girls in bars back home where I was from. My friends would see him. They’d call me, tell me about it. I’d call him the next day and be like, “What the fuck?” He was like, “I thought it was you,” and I’m just like, “Aww.” Like, I was flattered. Like, “Was she skinny?” Like, ugh. So he was the worst. He came to visit me for Valentine’s Day, and I was like, “Oh, my God, he’s so gonna say ‘I love you.'” This is the trip,” and I got ready. I told all my friends. I’m like, “This is it.” And it was a great night. Like, we went to this fancy dinner that I paid for, and then we were, like, in this alley, and, like, I was rubbing his back as he vomited, and it was just, like, everything I’d wanted, and he just got really sick and passed out, and I was like, “Oh, my God.” Like, he didn’t say, “I love you.” I think he may have said, “I hate you.” It’s like, it was the worst time, but I was like, “Wait a second.” “When he gets blackout drunk, “he doesn’t remember anything he does or says, so I’ll just make last night whatever I want it to be.” So this is true, I swear to God. I woke him up the next morning, and I was like, “Hey, do you remember what you said to me last night?” He was like, “No, I’m sorry, what?” And I was like, “No, you told me you love me.” And he was like, “I did?” And I was like, “Yeah,” and he was like, “Okay,” and that’s it. He started saying it after that. That’s… I date-raped my boyfriend into loving me. That’s what I did. Thank you so much. I took back the night. So I… it was, like, a pretty good plan. I couldn’t use it, though, with my boyfriend now because he doesn’t drink, so I was like, “What am I gonna do?” So this is how I got… “How am I gonna get it?” And this is how I got it. I decided to ask him to say “I love you” as he was coming, which is a great time. That’s a per… Like, a guy will do anything for you in that moment. You just got to time it perfectly. I was just like, “Tell me you love me.” He was like, “I love you.” Like, it was just like, “Ah, got it,” you know, just the once, but I got it, you know? So that was pretty cool and… ‘Cause I thought about it. I was like, “Oh, my God”, guys are so vulnerable in that moment.” They will do anything right before they come up until they come. Like, he… I feel like my boyfriend would, like, take a bullet to the brain for me. He would jump in front of a train for me. He would do anything in a Bruno Mars song, pretty much, is what I’m saying. Like, definitely. I feel like Bruno Mars must write all his lyrics before he comes. Like, that’s the only way he feels those things. And then it is a sharp drop-off after that. Right after he comes, I feel like he’s… In one second, he’d do anything for me, and then he’s like… And then it’s just like, I feel like he’s like, “What have I done?” Like he just… He wants to pretend it didn’t happen. We can’t really talk about it. I’m like, “Tell me about my clit.” He’s just like, “No.” Like, he doesn’t… I want to talk. He’s off getting a towel. I’m like, “You can let it marinate. I don’t care. Like, this is fine.” He’s, like, dabbing me off. I’m like, “Are we having company? Like, what’s the rush?” I’m like, “You know this was consensual, right?” What are you doing?” He’s so ashamed. He tries to close me like a laptop. I’m like, “I’m a real woman with feelings and thoughts” “and a career. You can’t do this.” I think it’s porn. I think that’s what makes guys so ashamed after they come sometimes, ’cause they’re used to just watching disgusting things. They’re like, “Whoa, that didn’t happen.” But it did. You did it, and it’s like, I get it. Like, I don’t mind that guys watch porn. I’ve… they all watch it, and I don’t care that my boyfriend watches porn. Like, I’m on the road a lot, so sometimes I’ll ask him to send me the porn he’s about to jerk off to, and then I’ll sit there and watch it, like, just knowing that he’s jerking off to it. Like, I think it’s, like, romantic, ’cause I’m like… * Somewhere out there. Like we’re looking at the same moon, you know? It’s beautiful kind of. I’m not, like, totally… Like, I don’t love porn. I watch it sometimes, mainly for tips. Like, I’m always looking for, like, new tricks I can try, you know? Especially when it comes to blow jobs. I’m always like… I feel like I’m not very good at them, so I’m always like… I’ll check out a blow job video on, like, the front page, like, something very mild. I’ll be like, “Okay, this seems cool,” and I’ll just take some notes. Like, “What are these gals gagging about?” And just like… You learn some things. You’re like, “Oh, okay, use both hands. “I can do that. That seems cool. “All right. “Look terrified, all right, I’ll give it a whirl. “Wouldn’t be the first time, you know? “Be fun to revisit, okay. “Choke to death, perfect, okay. That’s how I’m gonna go, then.” Like, it’s, like, violent stuff on the front page. You don’t even have to dig for this stuff. Every porno is just like… It’s, like, a girl just, like, dying. When did this happen? I feel like I took a break from porn, and then it’s all just slobber now. It’s like, these girls have so much saliva, and I’m like, “I don’t have that much.” Like, it’s making me insecure. I’m like, “These bitches look like Saint Bernards.” Like, I don’t have those, like, frothy, foamy strands. I’m like, “Do I need an extra gland or something?” Like, what? I got to be wet up here now? Like, it’s just too much. I hate the way porn has made me feel throughout my life. I started watching porn when it first came out in ’98, and it made me feel sad. I hadn’t even kissed a boy, and I was like, “I have to do that?” Like, and then I didn’t watch it forever, and then I checked back in on it when I, like, started being interested in, like, having sex. I was like, “Maybe I’ll try it,” and then I was watching it, and I saw porn vaginas, and I was like, “Mine doesn’t look like that.” Have you seen porn vaginas? They’re just, like, these tiny, little… It’s like, God’s little whisper. It’s just, like, a little suggestion. It’s… it literally is… Sometimes I’m like, “Does that girl just have a paper cut down there? Like, is that… looks like it would hurt.” Like, it’s just these tiny… I haven’t looked like that since I was seven, to be honest. Like, I remember. I didn’t know those were my glory days. I should have just stared at it more and been like, “You got it, girl.” Like, that would have been amazing. I squandered my youth. But, yeah, those porn vaginas made me so sad about my own, because, man, my vagina doesn’t look like that, and I hated it for a while. I just… I was, like, so furious. Every time I looked at it, I wanted to punch it. I was just like, “Ugh!” And it looked like it had been punched several times, so that’s what’s weird about that. I was like, “Why make it worse?” Sometimes I see it, and I’m just like, “Were you in a street fight earlier?” Like, it just is, like… Picking gravel out. Like, “Oh, God,” but… Do you know what I’m talk… But, like, you… Some of you have vaginas like mine, like, where you’re just like… you’re like… Like, it looks like it’s trying to escape kind of? Like, do you know what I mean? Don’t be ashamed. I have it too. It’s like… it’s… You could ask me, “How’s it hanging?” Some days, and that’s fine. That’s… that’s my body. You go to get a wax, and she has to go through it like a Rolodex. “Okay, let’s go.” No one? Just me? Great. Great, feeling great about my body again. Thanks so much. No, I do… I feel fine about it now. When I was in college, I was, like, saving up money to get surgery, and that seems crazy, but a lot of girls do this, and now I’m like, “No way,” ’cause I was so scared. I was just like, “No one’s gonna see it until I can fix it,” and then I got drunk, and I was like, “Everyone in!” Like, I was like, “Look at it.” Isn’t that hilarious?” Like, you get drunk, and you’re just like… Then you have sex and no one cares. No guy has ever complained. I… like, it’s… As long as it’s clean and you share it with them, like, they don’t care. They don’t care. So now I’m not touching my… It’s good. It’s… you know, it’s not great. You know, it’s like Venice. You know, it’s a little hard to get to, but the canal is amazing, and that’s what I focus on. It’s the infrastructure. A lot of Italians have been in it. It’s like, you know… So that’s my vagina. Had to cover that. But, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t… I’m not bothered by porn as much anymore. My boyfriend got me into porn, the industry. It’s been pretty lucrative. It’s… I’m just dipping my toe in, you know, just… That’s what I do. I dip my toe in girls’ vaginas. That’s… it’s very niche, very niche. You know that’s a type of porn. Like, that… that’s probably a very popular type of porn. There are, like, at least three guys in here who are like, “I can’t believe I haven’t seen her yet.” That’s weird.” Because, like, I don’t know. We’ve been watching porn together a little bit and… ’cause we finished “Friday Night Lights,” so that’s what… that’s what Netflix wanted for us and… So we’ve been watching porn together, and he’s… he wants to watch what I want to watch, so he’s like, “What are you into?” and I’m like, “Well, if it were up to me, we would watch a ‘TMZ’ clip” “of Zac Efron getting out of a car.” “Like, that’s what treats Mommy right, you know?” Like, that’s fine for me, but in terms of porn, like, I just… There’s nothing… There’s been a couple videos that I’m like, “Oh, I like that,” but I always stumble into them. I wouldn’t know how to search for it. It’s too weird that… I don’t even know “how to describe what I like.” He was like, “Try me. Like, I’ll find it.” ‘Cause apparently he’s, like, the Edward Snowden of porn. Like, he can just hack into… Like, find anything. It’s very impressive watching him. He’s always got, like, eight screens up all buffering at different times, so as soon as one gets boring, the next one is, like… The money shot is seconds away. Like, it’s very… It’s orchestrated. But he was like, “Describe it.” Come on, I’ll find it,” and I was like, “Okay, of the porn I’ve seen, the… the ones I like are, “like, the videos where the girl, “she isn’t really quite into it at first, you know? “She’s a little bit like, ‘I don’t know, ‘ you know, “but then she, like, gets into it, but, like, at first, she’s just, like, a little reluctant,” and he was like, “Oh, yeah, reluctant porn.” He starts typing in “reluctant.” I’m like, “What are you doing?” He’s like, “Reluctant porn.” I’m like, “That’s not a type.” He’s like, “Yeah, it is,” and it is. Oh, it is. It is… there’s so much reluctant porn with “reluctant” in the titles. I mean, it’s just like, “Hot reluctant sluts,” and I’m just like, “One of those words is not like the other, porn. “Like, that doesn’t… That one. “Where did you learn that word? “Have you been attending night school? Like, what?” Reluctant, it’s very hot. You should look it up. It’s… if you want… If you don’t want to, if you’re a little reluctant to do so, I do… I do a pretty sick impression of reluctant porn, so here we go. So this is all reluctant porn. Ready? “No, okay.” Like, that’s it. That’s… that is it. Yeah, slight hesitation, full commitment, yes. Mostly casting couch, so check it out. But I was just, like… I was so shocked. Oh, my God, you can find any type of porn. I was like, “Put in the word ‘facetious.’ “Like, let’s just put it in. Like, let’s see what we get.” You know, I think I had just learned how to spell that word, so I was, like, showing off or whatever, so it’s like, “Put it in.” And so I spelled it for him. I was like, “‘Face’ and then ‘tious, ‘ and then put it together,” and he was like, “Face tits?” And I was like, “I’m sure that’s a thing, but, no, ‘facetious.'” So he put it in, and there were three videos with “facetious” in the title. It was crazy with three, and so… It was just a black girl named Facetious, but you know what? That counts. She’s amazing. She’s really good. She fucks sarcastically, so that’s, like, her thing that she… Check her out. Check her out. But I’ve learned a lot from porn dirty talk-wise. Not, like, physically. I just… my MO is, I kind of just lay there. Like, I’m a bottom, you know? Like, I just… And I’m enjoying myself. I don’t want to change. Like, I like being on bottom. I’m… I’m not a dead fish. I just… I hate when guys call me that. I think that’s rude. Dead fish? “Dead fish.” I’m like, “What?” No, no, no, I’m like, a fish on its way out. Like, that’s… I’ll give you that. Like, I’m not doing great, but, like, dead? Maybe someone just needs to clean my tank, you know? Like, that’s… That’s what I call going down on me. Thank you so much. That’s really disgusting. Please tonight, if you get gone down on, like, just say to yourself, just for me, just go, like, “Yeah, you clean that fucking tank,” just, like, for me. Just… it’ll make you feel good. I know. I feel like I’ll feel it, you know? Like, my ear will tingle. I’m like, “Yeah, girl’s getting her tank cleaned.” Clean it. Clean it.” I love that. So I… if you’re lazy in bed like I am, you kind of got to bring it when it comes to dirty talk, ’cause I’m rarely, like, on top doing things that are impressive. If I’m ever on top, I always do reverse cowgirl, ’cause you can pretend his legs are Zac Efron’s a lot easier than his dumb, stupid head, so… But if you’re on bottom just chilling, say some good stuff. Like, I… now I have lines to say. Before, I didn’t. I would just be put on the spot, and I couldn’t think of anything. He’d be like, “What do you want?” And I’d be like, “To check my phone? I mean, to check your dick.” And he’s like, “What?” I’m like, “For crabs? I don’t know, okay? I’m sorry.” So go in with a plan, and that’s where porn comes in. You watch porn, you steal a line from that, and you use it, and I steal from Sasha Grey. She’s my favorite porn actress. She’s amazingly filthy. Look at you all pretending not to know who that is. That’s amazing. She’s awesome. She’s so, like, poetically filthy, and I stole one of her, like, mild lines from one of her Disney porns… And the line was, I… oh, “You own this pussy.” I was like, “That’s great. I’ll use that.” “You know, I’ve been looking “to sell this thing off for a while anyway, so, please, someone, take it.” So I said that. I decided to say that, and so we’re doing it, and I’m, like, gearing up, and I was just like, “You…” He’s back there and… Just want to set the scene. He’s back there, and I… and I… And by the way, I was not even doing doggy style. Like, that’s… Even for me, I’m like, “I don’t want to plank right now.” Like, can we not?” I’m always like, “Can we turn doggy into walrus?” “Can we, like, make this a little bit more comfy “for old Glasedog? “Like, I just… Like, I don’t want to… “I don’t want to engage my core right now, if that’s cool. Thanks.” So he’s doing it, I’m walrusing, and he… Things are going great, and out of nowhere, I was just like, “You own this pussy,” and he was like, “What?” And I was like, “You heard me,” and he was like, “Okay.” And he’s, like, nervous, ’cause he’s, like, a first-time pussy owner. Like, I think he had just rented before, apparently. It can be nerve-racking, you know? So he was like, “Ah,” and I was excited. I was like, “Ah!” And to be honest, I really thought that I would say, “You own this pussy,” and he would just, like, immediately finish. Like, he would just be like, “I love you!” Like, “Ah!” But it didn’t happen that way. He, like, needed a lot more from me. Like, that was… It was hot, but he, like, needed me to say more things, and I didn’t have anything else to say. That’s all I had written on my hand, so I was just kind of like, “You own this pussy.” So I just started repeating myself, which works at first. You know, you’re like, “You own this pussy.” He’s like, “Yeah, I do.” “You own this pussy.” “Yeah, I do.” “You own this pussy.” “Okay, uh, pretty aware of that by now. Care to expound on the situation whatsoever?” And I was… I had not… So I’m just like, “Uh, it’s in escrow. We just… We just put it in es…” I don’t know what that means. I’m just grasping at loose real estate terminology. “There’s a spacious eat-in kitchen. “If you just contact Janet Russo to set up a showing, 917-425… “. He’s like, “Are you giving me my aunt’s number?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” She’s the only real estate agent I know.” I’m like, “Check out the mudroom. “It’s right above you, if you so dare. Come on, please?” Anal. Anal. Oh, God, do you guys do it? I do. I love it. I don’t… I mean, it’s fi… It’s good. You should try it. And I always feel weird saying that I’ve done it, ’cause people, I just feel, are like, “Mm, we didn’t need to know that,” or they’re like, “I would never do that.” But here’s the thing. I’ve done research. 33% of women have done it, so, like, all of these girls. That’s just, like, crazy, ’cause I wouldn’t think you’ve done it, but you have. These are facts, so that’s, like, so weird, Mom. It’s like, just knowing that you’ve done that. I do learn a lot. I love sex facts. I love finding things out. Like, squirting is, like, such an anomaly to me. I can’t do it. I’ve been trying. We’re trying, so thank you. Thanks, that’s so sweet, you guys. He wants to get a surrogate, but, you know… No, I can’t do it. I just found recently, though, that, like, squirt is, like, mostly pee. It’s, like, very diluted urine, which is, like, such a relief to me ’cause now I get to say, “Oh, I squirted the bed until fourth grade.” Like, that seems a lot cooler. I’m like, “I was a sexy fourth grader,” you know? Like, that’s so cool of me. I learn a lot of things. I don’t… sexuality doesn’t come naturally to me. I just feel like, “Blah!” So, like, I had to, like, learn how to be… Like, I know that guys love it when they find out you’re not wearing underwear. Like, that’s super hot to them, and I just, like, always wear underwear. It’s, like, my thing and… You guys get it. And… but I just, like… I’ve never done… The other day, first time, no underwear the whole day, and it was… You know, just ’cause I shit my pants at this Starbucks, but it was like, once I ditched that thong in that bathroom, I was like, “Hello.” I’m sexy.” I was like, “Anything can happen,” so… I’m down to try a lot of stuff. My boyfriend does some pretty kinky things. He did this recently, just during… Like, surprised me with it. Not at… not, like, in a vicious way. Like, it was a very light… He might have been checking my pulse, to be honest. I’m not really sure. I was very relaxed, but it was just, like, a light one. But he didn’t say anything when he did it. He just did it, and then we were just like, “Hey,” like, just staring at each other. You got to say something. You just can’t be like, “Oh.” I was like, “Ahh,” like… And I didn’t say anything, ’cause I couldn’t, and I was like, “After you.” And I could tell he panic… Like, he didn’t think about saying… So he was just like, “I’m gonna kill you.” I was like, “What? No! Get off!” And he was like, “Is that too much?” I’m like, “Yes, it’s too much.” Jesus Christ.” Thank you so much. Oh, my boyfriend bought me a sex swing. I did not ask for one. He surprised me with it. I got back from the road, and he, like, walked me in the bedroom and was like, “Surprise,” and I was like, “Are you living with a handicapped woman that needs to get in and out of bed?” Like, it’s… It’s a big apparatus with all these straps. I mean, it… It really looks like how they fed the velociraptors in “Jurassic Park,” like, when they lower the cows down, and then they come back up just, like, swinging straps. You guys know. That’s a sex swing, I think. I’m pretty sure. It’s really… it’s fun. It’s great. I know why he got it: Because he’s, like, tired of doing all the work ’cause I just lay there, so he’s like… ’cause you… I just, like, plop in this thing, and then he just taps it once, and then you’re just, like, fucking forever. Like, it’s just perpetual motion after that. It’s like the bird dipping in water of sex. It’s just like… Like, you’ll just fuck forever until a scientist comes and stops you. I don’t know why that has to happen. But, yeah, it’s pretty fun. It’s more fun when he goes to work, and I just get to hang out in it all day and just spin around, pretend I’m like Pink at the Grammys. I’m just like, “Ah.” Like, I’m just… It’s so good. You just spin and spin. It’s awesome. It’s awesome… Okay, I found the box for it. He, like, hid the box and… Which was weird, ’cause I found the box. I’m like, “You know I didn’t think, “like, Santa put this together? Like, elves were making this?” But he… I found the box, and he hadn’t, like, opened the whole box, because on the box, it said, “Free blindfold inside,” and I was like, “Yes, a sleep mask.” You know, like, I love sleep masks. I love… I wear them on planes. I need them. I’m a connoisseur. I leave them on planes all the time, though, and so this one I’ve been wearing, it’s so good. It’s the best one I’ve ever had, this sex swing blindfold. So it blocks out all the light. It does say “cum slut” on it, but I’m like, that’s who I am, so you know, far be it from me to deny Southwest that information, you know? It is weird when we land and I wake up, and I’m like, “I hope that’s drool. “Like, I really… I hope it’s drool. Please be drool.” I’ve said that so many times in my life, “Please be drool.” I don’t know why. It’s a weird thing to say. I am, like, obsessed with talking about sex. I apologize if it’s not your thing, but, like, come on. It’s, like, so fun, and, like, we’re all having sex, but we don’t really, like, talk about it. Like, we’ll be like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve had sex before.” Like, we’ll admit that, but we won’t be like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve been like…” But that’s, like, what you look like. No one admits that. They’re like, “No, I look cooler.” No, you don’t. You’re just like… Like, that’s… It’s just a bunch of, like, skin, like, shaking. It’s so gross, and you all look like it. We all do, but, like… The only thing that, like, differentiates us is like, we put on clothes, and we’re like, “Nope, I’ve never done that.” Like, as soon as you’re not naked, you can be like, “No, I don’t do that. What are you talking about? I’m a princess.” Like, that’s what’s separating us, is just clothes. Like, you can give, like, a sloppy blow job and put on, like, some jeans and a tank top and be like, “I’ve never sucked a dick in my life. What are you talking about? Nope, not me.” And it’s like, “Yes, you have.” If you’ve worn a tank top, male or female, you’ve sucked some dicks. Like, that’s just a fact of tank tops, I think, yeah. I love it, though. I’m always, like… I love to picture people, like, what they’re into. Pregnant women are my favorite, ’cause you’re like, “I know you doing it. “Like, you got stuffed. She got stuffed.” Like, you know it, and then you… Oh, you can find out, like, exactly when she had sex. Like, all you have to do is ask, like, “When are you due?” Or pretend you care or whatever, and then you just do some light math, and you count back nine months, and you’re like, “July.” “You were just like, like, like, in July. You were getting it.” “You love it.” “Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.” Like, I love that. That’s the thing about being pregnant. Like, you… if you tell your parents you’re pregnant, like, you’re pretty much like, “Dad, Chris came inside me. Come here.” “I kept it in.” Like, that’s… No, I don’t want to do that. Ah, God, creeps have ruined the smile compliment, by the way. Like, it’s done. You can’t… ’cause girls, you’ll just be walking down the street, and guys will tell you to smile. It’s just the worst. We’ve all… It’s happened to all of us. There’s only, like, two of you who actually do it, but you’ve ruined it for everyone. Most guys don’t do this, but girls’ll just… You’ll just be walking down the street by yourself, you know, not smiling, ’cause you’re not a lunatic… Who’s just smiling for no reason. Who’s this giddy bitch? Just like, “Yeah.” If I saw that, I’d be like, “Did you just get into DeVry, ma’am?” “Like, what’s going on in your life that’s…” “Did you just find a new feminine wipe “that fits your busy lifestyle? “That’s what I thought. How fun.” So insane. You don’t see girls smiling and walking, but these guys cannot take it. They are just so upset that you’re not smiling, and they stop you, and they’re just like, “Oh, can you smile pretty? “Aw, can I get a smile? You’d be prettier if you smiled.” Like, it’s always some version of that, and I never want to, ’cause, you know, it’s just like, I just got off the phone with my mom or something, so I’m just like, “Ugh.” And… or just life. You’re just like… And they always say it, and I always do. I’m always just like, “Here you go. Like, is this what you wanted?” I’m just like… It hurts, but you do it, because if you don’t, they rape you, and that’s true. That’s true? Haven’t tried it. Like, don’t risk it. That’s… it’s a little rapey to be like, “Smile,” and you’re just like, “Okay.” That’s how you know if something’s rapey. If a girl told you to do it, would you do it? Certainly not. If a girl was like, “Hey, smile, honey,” I’d be like, “No, you go smile.” “Look into a mirror if you want to see a girl smile. I’m gonna be on my way.” But a guy, I’m just like, “Is this the least I could do to not get raped right now? That’s so great, thank you. I feel safe.” I don’t… I’m not, like, up here like, “Fucking men.” I’m not up here fucking men either, but… My career took a different path, but… I don’t like how women are marketed to. Feminine wipes. I talked about those before, and I could tell you guys were like, “Please get back to that.” “We need more.” I just read your energy. It’s pretty cool. Feminine wipes are these things we’re supposed to carry around, ’cause they’re like, “Hey, your vagina smells “like it’s supposed to, and it’s grossing everyone out. Can you fix it, please? Thank you.” And we’re like, “Okay, I’m so sorry to ruin the party.” People are buying these. I don’t know anyone who does, but I just don’t understand why those exist, yet ball wipes, we’re like, “Nah, that’s cool, we don’t need them.” I don’t want balls to smell different, but it’s just like, we should be equally shamed, you know? Like, a fun, portable ball wipe? Like, why can’t that be a thing? I don’t… This is the thing. I don’t want your balls to smell good. I like the… I don’t, like, like the way they smell, but I’m like… I’m not like, “Mmm.” Like, I don’t want it, like, wafting through my foyer, but, like… I’m not dragging my boyfriend into Yankee Candle like, “Can you guys match this scent? Is there a way? “With, like, a touch of taint? Like, just, like, a… “Cool, okay, I’ll leave you here. I’ll be at Piercing Pagoda, bye.” Like, no. I don’t like… I don’t enjoy the scent, the aroma, but I like that balls smell exactly how they look. Like, that’s… There’s something cool about that. They’re just so authentic. They’re comfortable with who they are. They’re like, “Just, this is who I am. Like, take it or leave it.” Like, I love that. There’s nothing in nature that looks it smells more than balls, and so they shouldn’t smell good. You shouldn’t put anything on them, because we know that things are supposed to look how they smell. We all know that from Febreze commercials. You know, where a person… They set a person in a hoarder’s apartment, and they blindfold them, and they’re like, “Where am I?” “Am I in a whispering meadow? What’s happening?” And there’s, like, a rat crawling behind them in some trash. They’re like, “What’s that? Is that a bubbling brook?” What’s going on back there?” Then they take it off. They’re like, “Aah!” Like, it psychologically fucks you up. Don’t Febreze your balls. Like, there’s no amount of smell… I’m not gonna close my eyes when I’m down there and be like, “Am I in an Arabian spice market tonight?” Like, no. It’s… I know where I am. Your dick is in my eye. Like, that’s… I don’t really know why. But, like, everyone knows about ball smell. It’s… it’s funny to me that they attacked women’s smell first, because ball smell has been around forever. Even before I knew what balls were, I knew what ball smell was. Like, I knew balls smelled, and so did you. Think about it. You’re a kid, right? And you walk into a room that smells a little weird. You turn to your friend, and you’re like, “It smells like balls in here, right?” Like, that’s… That’s a phrase that was based on your balls to convey a generic funk smell. Like, it’s been around… Your grandma could be like, “It smells like balls in here.” You’d be like, “That’s absolutely right, Grandma.” “Like, that’s a normal thing for you to say right now, because it does smell like balls in here.” Like, I think Chaucer wrote it. That’s been around forever, so… So, yeah, don’t Febreze your balls. You guys have been so great. Thank you so much. Here is the last thing I’ll say. Thank you. You guys are like, “Okay, fine.” You’re, like, mad at the one person who started it. I get it. I’ve been in an audience before. “Really? Again?” I was having sex recently with my boyfriend and… I hate saying “boyfriend,” ’cause it’s not like, “Boyfriend.” Like, I hate it. My ex… my future ex-fiancé and I were… We can get there and… No, we were doing it recently, and he said the funniest thing. And this is how I know he watches porn a lot, because out of nowhere he just goes, “What would you do for this dick?” Great question. I was like… Love it. It’s like, “Are you Terry Gross?” This is amazing.” “What would you do for this dick?” He doesn’t talk like that either, by the way. Like, like, why do you sound like Batman right now? It’s just like, “What would you do for this dick?” And I was like, “I didn’t know your dick was a Klondike Bar.” Let’s start there. Like, I don’t have a plan.” I was like, “I’d do a silly dance?” And he’s like, “Please stop. It’s going down.” I was like, “Okay.” I didn’t know what to say. He asked it at the wrong time. You should ask that question before you have sex, right? Like, “What would you do for this dick?” He’s, like, across the room. He’s just dangling it, and I’m just like, “Anything! Anything!” Like, that’s… That’s the way. I’m just like, like… That’s how I get, real dick hungry. But I just… he asked it while I had it. He’s like, “What would you do for this dick?” I was like, “Whatever I did ten minutes ago?” “That seemed to work. Sit on your couch and eat Thai food?” “Mmm, wait till ‘Shark Tank’ is over?” Like, there’s not a lot of hurdles between me and your dick, you know? Like, I didn’t know what to say. I hope he asks me again, because I just wasn’t prepared, which he won’t, because I’ve done this joke, so… But if he does, I would… I… if he says, like, “What would you do for this dick?” I’d, like, press play and be like, * I would walk 500 miles, and I would… * Like, ’cause I would. I love it. I do. I love… I love it. It’s my best friend. I really… I love doing dick tricks. Like, it’s… dicks are so funny to me, and they’re so fun to play with, and, like, when you’re with a guy long enough, you just, like, start to, like, do some weird stuff. I’m always just like, “How you doing?” Like, I just, like, talk to it, and he’ll be like, “What are you saying?” I’m like, “This doesn’t concern you!” And I’ll just be like, “This is just between us.” Like, I’ll just do funny things. It’s fun for everyone, you know? “Shh!” Just talk to it. But here’s those… Here are some dick tricks that I just want to share with you. Okay, so first one is, okay, so, like, before you have sex, when he’s just, like, soft or whatever, you just take his dick, and you just, like, pretend that it’s a hose that’s out of control, and you’re just like, “Whoa! Whoa!” Like, it’s so fun. He won’t like it at first, but it gets it going. Like, you know, like, he can’t… You’re playing with it, you know? He’ll roll his eyes, then he does… Then you know he’s into it, so… The water starts pumping, so… And then the other one is post sex, okay? This is kind of gross, but, okay, you know, after they do it, there’s, like, a little bit still on it? I always like to go, “Ooh, I forgot my lip gloss,” and just put it on and be like, “Ready to go.” It’s so fun. Do it. You got to do it. Promise me you’ll do it. Oh, God. So, yeah, I just… Dicks are so fun to me. I like to compliment my guy’s dick. Like, I did that very early on in our relationship. I complimented him, and I learned that there’s only so many things you can say about a dick that guys want to hear. There’s, like, two things. You can be like, “Oh, it’s so big,” or like, “Owie.” Like, that’s kind of it. Like, don’t stray too far outside of that, but that’s hard because, like, sometimes they’re not huge. Like, my boyfriend, not huge… Average, perfectly average. I love it. It’s wonderful. But it’s average, and you can’t celebrate that, you know? You can’t be like, “Oh, my God, it’s so fucking expected.” Like, oh, yes, fill me up with that adequate cock.” Like, you know, that’s not good, so… So you lie. You lie, you know? Like, you’re in the moment, and… we were in the moment, and I was just like, “It’s so big,” and he was just like, “Oh, is it?” “It’s so big?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “We’re looking at the same thing right now.” “Come on. So big?” I’m like, “Can you just, like, suspend disbelief” “for, like, 15 seconds maybe and think to yourself, like,” “‘Well, maybe she’s only seen baby dicks.” “‘Like, she worked in nursery her whole life” “‘and never got a date. Like, maybe that’s it.'” But he was like, “Don’t lie.” I’m like, “Okay, fine, I won’t,” and then I just stopped complimenting it altogether, ’cause I was like, “I can’t say anything.” But then I realized, “Oh, wait. I can say it’s perfect.” That’s what I’ll say.” ‘Cause that’s not a lie. I think it’s perfect. So now I say it’s perfect. So, if you’ve heard your dick is perfect, it’s average or below average. So that’s just a thing I want you to know. Yes. Yes. And your lady has found a loophole. But I really… I don’t care that much about dick size. I know it’s a thing, but I don’t know. If I love someone enough, I really don’t care, and my friends are like, “Yeah, right.” And I’m like, “I really… I don’t.” And they’re like, “What if he had a micropenis?” And I’m like, “I don’t know. There’s other things.” Like, you can work around it. Like, you can cheat on him. You can use toys. No, there’s other things you can… you have your hands. You have your tongue. You know, at least you don’t have a microtongue, you know? Celebrate that. If you have a micropenis, just be proud of your big tongue, ’cause if you had, like, a tiny little… How gross would that be if a guy was like, “Hey, baby,” like a little gecko, but he just had a huge cock, but he’s like… You’d be like, “Where’s micro? I need him.” Like, that is so gross. So at least your tongue’s cool, you know? I did get in trouble for lying. You shouldn’t lie, and I know that. He was… we talked about it a lot. My boyfriend was like, you know, “Don’t lie”… Like, girls don’t know because they don’t get compliments down there, so they, like, don’t get it, what it feels like to be lied to. And I was like, “Yeah, you know, I’d… We’d like some, you know?” And he was like, “Really?” Like, what would… What would I even say?” “I don’t know. Like… like, we’re tight or whatever?” He was like, “Really?” “I wouldn’t even think to say that. That’s crazy. That’s…” I’m like, “To me or girls in general?” Like, what’s the vibe here?” And he was like, “No, babe, you’re perfect.” And I was like, “Yes, okay.” “Oh, fuck you, okay? That’s mine.” He was like, “Owie?” I’m like, “Enough.” New York, thank you so much for coming out tonight. You’re so great. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. Thank you. * I do not take, I do not take * * No matter how you shine * I cannot take a gift that isn’t true * * I love myself, I love myself * * Too much to love you * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BRENT MORIN: I’M BRENT MORIN (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brent-morin-im-brent-morin-2015-full-transcript/

Shot at the Gramercy Theatre, New York The special opens with a confrontation between Morin and a security guard (comic Leonard Ouzts), who demands to see a backstage pass. Morin insists this is his Netflix taping; the guard says he cancelled his subscription, pushes Morin against the wall, and only relents at the behest of comedian Adam Ray. Listen, listen, listen… You’re talking. You keep talking. You keep talking. You keep talking. Can you stop talking? There you go, perfect. Here’s the deal. I told you this before and I’m not gonna tell you again, the tickets are at will call, Zac. Just go to will call. All right? I’m not lying to you. I’m not gonna trick you. I know you’re bringing a date. It’s fine. I left them at will call. I… I can’t talk about this, okay? Bye. Bye. Just get here… Ah! Fuck it! Goddamn it! Hey, what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I need to see a pass, man. You didn’t… You can’t read? That says “VIP.” You don’t look very important at all. Okay, it’s a personal attack? Umm… It’s my show, actually. – So… – It’s your show? What… I mean, who are you? I don’t even… You’re just walking up. What? Who are you? I’m Brent Morin. It’s… – Who? – Brent Morin. It’s my show. I… I have to get in there. Oh, you have to. “I have to get…” No, you don’t. You don’t have a pass, so you’re not getting in. – This is my special. – I don’t care if you’re special. I don’t care what kind of helmet you wear to school. I don’t care. No, I’m not special. I’m saying this is my special, my first comedy special for Netflix and I’m about to go on stage in five minutes. – I have to get in there, you idiot. – You’re not doing nothing for Netflix, – ’cause they cut my account off. – Look, I have to go, okay? Okay. You think I’m playing with you? I told you… – I told you… that I needed… a pass. – Did you just slap me? – Now, where… You got a pass. – I don’t have a pass. – It’s my special. – You got a… You got a pass. Whoa. Len, he’s good. Release. Release. – Yeah, dude… – No, ’cause they keep tryin’ me, Adam. I told him he need a pass. What did I tell you about strangling people back here, dude? You gotta take it down. It’s Brent Morin. It’s his special tonight. – He’s cool. All right? He’s with me. – He’s good? He’s with… – I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry. – He’s with me. This is my list. – I’m with him, we’re here together. – Hey! Hey, whoa. You’re with him? Man… – How you been, man? – I’ve been great, dude. – You’re looking good, man. – I appreciate it, man. – We gotta do drinks. – Definitely. – Get him a pass. – Dude, let it go. Let it go, take the loss. – Oh, Jesus. Do you have a pass? – Pass? Dude, what is this, PE? I just walked the fuck in. Oh, my God. That guy looks so much like me. – Okay. – You got a girl coming? Yes. Yeah, Instagram, she could be the one, or not. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Saved her a seat, right up front. Couldn’t look better. – Dude, it’s your night, live it up. – That’s what I’m saying. Yup, I’m grabbing him right now. Hi, Brent? Hi, I’m Laura, the stage manager. – Hi, Laura. – We’re three minutes out. – Beautiful. Thank you. – Okay? – Um, is that what you’re wearing? – Yes. Really? Uh, yeah. What the fuck? – What the fuck? – All right. He refuses to change it, guys. – What the fuck is that? – It’s his go-to. Talk about your… – You look like Drake. Don’t listen to her. – Thank you. That’s bullshit. This is your night, all right? Oh. – What the fuck… Sorry? – Sorry. You don’t seem sorry. Well, I said it, so I am. Um, Brent, this is T. She’s dope, right? What the fuck? We’re gonna need a few more minutes. So, I guess you’re not wearing that shirt? Oh, I bet you’re really happy about that. What the fuck? What’s that about? I don’t give a shit who this is. What the hell? His hair is thinning. What? Baby, that’s rude… and true. What the fuck are you doing back here? Why aren’t you with Mom and Dad? I’ve seen it. Okay, Brent, it is time to go. It is show-time. Okay. All right. Fine, I have to go, okay? – Intro music. What you coming… – Come out to Hall & Oates. – Who gives a shit? – Ooh. – Yeah. – They got like five slaps. Slappin’, all the songs. What the fuck are you talking about? No, I’m not dealing with any lingo right now, okay? I have to go and I will have to change and I don’t get to wear my goddamn Drake sweater! And I thank you, T, I appreciate it. Yeah, keep looking at me like that. I… Goddamn! Make it loud, keep those hands clapping. Give it up for Brent Morin! New York! Hey! Yeah. It’s not gonna get better than that. That was awesome. Holy shit. I wish every girl that turned me down was here right now. That’d be awesome. Fuck you. I was gonna say a name, but I realized if I said it, maybe they’re here and it’ll be really weird. So I’m not gonna do that. Oh, man. New York, New York. I’m an east coast kid, Connecticut, let’s not judge me. Yeah! So white. This whole audience is white. I just realized that. This is the whitest audience I’ve ever seen in my entire life. This is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen. It’s like a fucking CW show in here right now. This is who I bring out, huh, just tax payers? I have nobody edgy? Goddamn it! I gotta get a scandal. All right, shut up. Focus. Sorry. I gotta get into it. Okay. All right, look, here’s the deal. I got some… Okay, just… All right. Shut up. I had a girl leave me for a magician, recently. Why is it funny? It happens. Maybe it doesn’t happen. Maybe, at Hogwarts it happens. I don’t know if it happens in real life. But it happened to me. First off, we weren’t boyfriend-girlfriend. Let me explain that, okay? I’m a single man, I like being a single man. Being a single man is fun, I enjoy it. And when you’re single you don’t have to deal with that confrontation. What usually happens is you hook up for a few months then you go your separate ways, then maybe you run into each other and you have that half sentence conversation. You know, like, “Wow. I know. Hi. Bye.” You know, that shit. So, I’m at a party, I see this girl, I assume we’re about to have that conversation. I am. But she walks up to me and the way she started this, I realize that we weren’t gonna have that conversation. She walked up to me and this is the first thing she says, she goes, “Hey, Brent, hi. Um, listen, I’ve been meaning to talk to you…” Any time a girl has to verbalize a breathing, that’s like… The second she did that, my heart was sweating. You ever had your heart sweat before? Like, you’re in high school and you call your teacher “Mom” for no reason, you ever do that shit? Am I the only one who got caught off guard in the morning? Like, “Hey, Brent.” “Hey, Mom. Fuck!” “What’d you say? Shut the fuck up, Elliot! Don’t tell anybody.” So, now my heart is sweating and I’m at this party and I’m with my good friends. What I mean by that is I’m with my worst friends, okay? So, they hear this… Like, it’s a dog whistle and immediately they’re like, “Holy shit. Everybody, get in. Get in. No, get in. It could be an STD. She could say STD. No. Bring in all the pretty girls from the back. Everybody, come in. Please be pregnant. Please be pregnant.” Like, he’s doing that shit. So, now I’m sitting there, my heart is sweating, she’s there, friends, strangers all around and this is what she says to me, word for word, she goes, “Look, um, the reason why I, kind of, fell off the map is… Okay, so, I started dating this magician.” Now, you ever think that you heard something, but you’re like, “There’s no fucking way I just heard that.” You know, you’re like, “Did you say penis party?” They’re like, “No, I said let’s go to a fucking Blockbuster.” Whatever. Even though Blockbuster isn’t open. That was a terrible reference, you know what I mean. It’s gone. Netflix. Hey! Ha! So she says, “Magician.” Understand, that’s obviously not what I think somebody’s gonna say to me. So, I immediately go, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” My friend leans in and goes, “She said she left you for a magician.” “She left him for a magician. She left him… No, no, no, it’s worse than an STD. Tell all your pretty friends. Yeah, a magician, like one of those circus freaks. Yeah.” Here’s the problem I have with that. Why say magician, why say magician, like that’s a normal job, like that’s something you could say in life? You might as well say puppeteer. Don’t fucking just say magician, like magic’s real. Nobody’s flying home tonight. You’re not dating David Blaine. ‘Cause here’s the problem I have. I don’t think there’s a lot of middle class magicians. I think you’re either rich and we know you, or you’re poor with a rabbit, okay? For real. I don’t think you go to a cul-de-sac in the suburbs and see a guy pushing a push mower with a fucking cape on. I don’t think that happens. Fucking magician, really? A magician. I know you wonder why I’m being shitty towards magicians. As a fellow entertainer, I should appreciate that. Like, what happened with me and a magician. Like, was my dad a magician and left us? I know I have that energy right now. Like, I was eight, getting ready for baseball and my dad’s like, “Bye, son.” Puff! Papa? Papa? Papa? I don’t know why I’m saying, “Papa.” I assume your dad’s a magician from the old country, wherever the fuck that is. Honestly, I just like to picture all my childhood memories, like, me as a little Italian boy from the 1900s. For real. For real, like, it’s bad. I’ve been doing this, like, that was the best time to be a kid. I wish I was a little Italian boy from the 1900s. You ever see a picture of one of those kids? Baggy clothes, obviously from the brother that just died. You know, they got the hand-me-downs. They always look tired as shit. Papa… Always yelling at their mom, “Mama! Papa, he poof!” “Fuck this I go!” “Where are you going?” “I go to America, I be a comedian.” And that’s how I got here. That’s so stupid. I’m the biggest idiot. You’re starting to realize why I’m single, by the way. This is… This is true. I’m actually trying to find a picture of a little Italian boy from the 1900s, this is real, so that I could frame it, like, a good frame, like, a good frame, not that cheap shit, like, a good frame and put it in my house next to, like, my family photos, so that when women come over and go, “Who’s that?” I could be like, “That’s me as a child.” Then they just never bring it up again. Because my hope is that they go to brunch the next day, and her friends are like, “So, how is he?” She’s gotta be like, “Um, you know, I think he’s, like, 100.” This is so stupid. You know what’s even dumber than that? Some of you don’t believe me, I’m actually trying to do this. I’m on the road and I realize, “Oh, my project…” ‘Cause that’s what I call these things. I don’t have a day job. I’m just like, “Oh, I got that project I have to do.” So, I Google Image little Italian boys from the 1900s. Yeah, you see how you got it right away? It took me, like, two days to realize that’s not something you Google Image. So I panicked and I, like, deleted the history. And then my friend was like, “So, let me get this straight, you Google Imaged little Italian boys from 1900s. Then, two days later, you deleted it. So, basically, what you’re saying is, you looked at ’em, got what you wanted and got rid of the evidence.” Because it’s not like I Google Searched it. You Google Search it, it could be a project, who knows, like an actual project. It could be a family tree. Google Image just goes, “I wanna look at ’em.” You know what I mean? I don’t know who red flags this shit, but I’m definitely red flagged. There’s no way in hell I’m not. Whoever was doing it was like, “Boss… Boss, we got a weird one. You gotta get in here. No, he’s specific.” So, the magician showed up. Showed up to the party. Hot. So fucking hot. I don’t even think he opened the door. I think it just opened. You know? And he was just there. You’re just like… Uh… Like, I made that noise. I saw him and I went… “Uh…” Like… Like, if I slept with him, it’s not gay, you understand what I’m saying, like, a hot guy. He’s probably named Shiloh, or Skyler, or Ashley they’re all girl names from the future. ‘Cause there’s a big difference between a good looking guy and a hot guy. Hot guys get away with things they shouldn’t be allowed to get away with. Like, a hot guy can wear, like, a deep V T-shirt. So deep, like, so deep. Where did you find this? Like, to the belt. Who sold this to you, a pirate? Where the fuck did you find this? Just wear a deep V tee, with, like, a wool scarf, ’cause they don’t sweat, and like, a goddamn Indiana Jones hat, with rain boots and army pants, and like, a wooden cross that they made, ’cause they’re so “artistic.” Skip a line at a night club and the bouncer’s like, “Yeah, let him in.” Like, that’s a vampire. Who the fuck did you just let in? Like, I’m out here in a prom outfit, dressed like Cory Matthews, and you let this fucking person in. I know who I am. It’s a great luxury as a hot guy. I don’t have that luxury, I know that, okay? Like, Brad Pitt, I saw a picture of Brad Pitt recently. Fifty, fifty, he had blond hair down to here. What? What do you have, a castle on a cloud? How the fuck? How do you raise a family that beautiful? Like, as a father, you need to be able to intimidate your boys. How are you doing that when you’re gorgeous? Like, at the park, like, “Hey! Get over here. Get over here. Get… Oh! Hey, don’t make me come over there.” “Yeah, I’m talking to you. Get the fuck over here right now. I’m not gonna ask again. I’m not gonna ask again. You trying to show off for your friends, that’s what you’re fucking doing now? That’s it. Angie, give me a scrunchy. I’m hitting the kids. Give me a fucking scrunchy. Hold the rings, I haven’t finished. Give me this shit! And put some weight on, all right? You’re scaring the shit out of me in the hallways, it’s like fucking a priest. Where’d he go? Where did the Asian one go?” “Son of a bitch!” This is how all hot guys look all the time. Like, the sun bothers them. You ever notice, they laugh like they don’t know what laughing is. Just, “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” “Ha-ha-ha-ha.” “It’s just too ugly out here.” You ever think hot guys get mad, then realize they’re hot and immediately don’t get mad? Like, “Son of a bitch!” “Everything’s gonna be fine.” Well, I’m so happy my dad isn’t hot. Hear me out, that sounds bad. He’s here too, so this is weird, but… What I mean is, my dad looks like a “dad.” He looks like a “father,” you know what I mean? That’s where I wanna get in life. I wanna get to the age where I don’t care anymore. I give a shit, I care. I put this outfit on, I looked in the mirror, I hated it, I changed. I put another outfit on, I looked in the mirror, I put this back on. I shaved my neck, so I’ve a better chin. I got blue curtains, so my eyes pop. Everything’s planned. I don’t wanna do it anymore. I wanna get to the age where I don’t give a fuck. Get that E.T. body. You know, you don’t know if they’re skinny or fat, it just looks comfortable. That’s where I wanna get. My dad was a world-class athlete. One day, just posture gone, no muscle definition, stomach out, no ass, no chin. Like, fucking Kermit just walking around. Get that walk. I wanna get that life cough. You know, that cough that, like, some shit went wrong in the past… You know, like… That’s where I wanna get. You know, before they found out some shit’s really bad for you… “Fuck. Worked at a coal mine when I was eight.” You’re like, “Yeah, yeah.” I wanna get that cough in my life. My dad doesn’t really… My dad is my hero, first off. Most selfless human being I’ve ever met, all he cares about is other people. If I could be half the father he was, I’d be the greatest father in the world. What I used to love doing, though, in high school, was making him mad at me. Because my father was an older father and when he would yell at me, he’d run out of breath, mid-yell. And the second I discovered that shit, it was the greatest thing in my life. I’ll never forget it. I used to skip school a lot, because I was an average student. Greatest luxury of my life, being an average student. So I hated it. Both my parents are teachers, that doesn’t fly in our house, okay? My dad would come home and yell at me, but he’d run out of breath, and when I discovered this, this was the greatest thing in the world. My dad comes in, mad as shit. He goes, “Hey! You’re gonna skip school? Maybe you stay at home all summer, you’re not even gonna play baseball…” And my little brother knows me so well, he’s like, “Don’t do it.” I’m like, “I gotta keep doing it.” I was like, “Dad, I missed half of that.” “Oh, you wanna be smart? Maybe you don’t go to prom, we’ll make you go to Blackman’s, you’re gonna get movies for the family. You’ll fuckin’ watch movies with us…” My mom’s like, “You’re killing your father!” My dad’s shrinking, too. It’s fucking hilarious, ’cause my dad’s really good at speeches. He gives great speeches, life speeches, he’s always been great at it. But he’s getting shorter. You know what I mean? He’s just getting a little bit shorter. And the great thing about him is that he doesn’t buy clothes. That’s where I wanna get. My dad just puts on what’s around. Seventy years old, he walks out in cargo shorts. First off, if you’re an adult man and you wear cargo shorts, and you don’t work at Jurassic Park, what the fuck are you doing? Why do you need these? Are you taking the woods to work? Where are you going, Dad? But he’ll just put cargo shorts on, dress socks, flip-flops, a girls’ college lacrosse sweater. I don’t know where he got it, I don’t have a sister, nobody’s ever played lacrosse. He puts on a golf visor, he’s like, “All right, come on, let’s go to church.” Like, “No, nobody’s going to church. You look like you fell into Goodwill.” But he’s shrinking, he’s shrinking. And it’s the funniest shit in the world, because he’s wearing the same clothes. It’s like he’s wearing Shaq’s clothes now. I just… Okay, this is really weird, what I’m about to do. I’m just curious, how short is he gonna get? Like, am I gonna come home, ten years form now, on Christmas… Ten years from now, on Christmas, I’m gonna be like, “Where’s Dad? “Psst. Down here.” “Dad? Why are you dressed like a gnome?” “There’s something I never told you.” “Why do you talk like Regis Philbin? How can nobody see you right now?” “Close your eyes.” Puff! “Jesus Christ, what is that?” “Get down here, quickly.” “What am I doing right now?” “Hold my hand.” “Jesus, it’s so little.” “Hurry, hurry.” “Dad, I gotta be honest, you’re moving quick, but we’re not going anywhere. This is on you. Where are you taking me?” “I wanna introduce you to your real family.” “What? Why are we going behind the Christmas tree? Jesus Christ, Dad, what is that beautiful little door?” “Follow me, quickly.” “Dad, I’m not gonna fit.” “Believe.” “Believe?” “Wow! This place is beautiful. There’s so many slides. What the fuck was that?” “That’s your cousin Boom-Boom.” “What?” “This is your uncle Zumba, and Gumbala and Duko.” “Wait a minute, is this shit gonna happen to me?” “Yes, you’re not hot.” So, back to the party with the magician. So… He brought his cards. Stop! We get it, you’re mystical. Why’d you gotta bring the fucking cards? I don’t bring a microphone to a party. I’m not in the kitchen, like, “That reminds me of this time…” I’m not doing that shit. So, I got drunk. I got drunk. I love to drink, okay? I may have a problem, you know what I mean? I realize, if you say it cute, you get away with it. It’s the worst time in history to be a drunk, by the way, hands down. We’re too connected as people now. These smart phones, like… I shouldn’t be able to get drunk, alone, in my bedroom, with the door locked and ruin everything. You could ruin your entire life, if you have enough apps. Have you thought about that? You can. You can go to Amazon, already connected to your credit card, you just start buying shit. Drone just drops off a trampoline tomorrow, you know, in your fucking yard. You could e-mail your boss. Yeah, now you’re thinking about it, huh? You ever been drunk mad? It’s the least justified mad you’ll ever be in your life. You don’t even need to know an e-mail anymore. All you need is a first letter. “T” for Ted, subject, all caps, “Fuck you, Ted!” And you just let him have it, you’re wasted, like, “You know what, Ted? You’re fucking stupid, your business plan is shit, your daughter smells like toast. Fuck you! Fuck the offices.” Three more lines, “Z-D-B-B-D-D-D-B-B-B.” A thousand exclamation points, ’cause you fell asleep for a second. Three more lines under… “Huh?” ‘Cause you forgot it was an e-mail, it’s just a blank page. Then you’re like, “Oh, yeah! And your wife’s a little whorey,” spelled “houry” but he gets it, you know, he knows what it is. “See you Monday. Eh!” You know. Then you write him back immediately after, “Fuck you, Ted! Part two.” Devil face. Devil face. Devil face. Devil face. Three more spaces, “Come over.” ‘Cause you thought it was a text. Two more spaces. “Oh, yeah, what I meant by whorey…” still spelled “houry,” “…is your wife’s a slut.” Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja-ja! It’s scary, you have to think about this stuff. I could Instagram my dick. I’m not going to, I don’t get it, okay? I’m just saying you don’t have the option of thinking before you do something. There’s nothing in Instagram that goes, “That’s a dick.” You know what I mean? I could do that, that’s terrifying. That could happen. And I don’t send dick pics, I’ve had girls ask. I’ve had guys who say it’s their closer. How? This is the worst part of a guy. Worst. Dicks look like unfinished aliens, there’s nothing appealing. They look like they came out before arms and legs, you know what I mean? Like, if dicks could speak, with the little mouth, they’d be like… Sorry. I feel like some of you think I have a weird dick. Yeah, you just nodded yes. No, my dick is fine, okay? He’s a good man, he’s a good guy. I know who I am. Okay? I’m not gonna be, “You want that big dick?” I never do that. I would never be that guy. I know who I am. Like, if my dick was a teenager, you’d trust him to take your daughter to prom. You understand what I’m saying? Shut up. Here’s what I’m saying, if I’m naked, a girl’s not gonna be like, “Oh.” But she’s not gonna be like, “Oh.” She’ll just be like, “Oh.” You know what I mean? Like, it’s not gonna come up the next day, you know? Unless, somebody brings it up, like, “How’s the dick?” “Oh, yeah. No, it’s fine.” You know? That’s what’s gonna happen. Shut up. My point is I wish I grew up when rotary phones were the main communication. Nobody was drunk dialing on a rotary phone. You know how hard that would’ve been? I envy those guys back in the day. Just two drunk guys coming back, one dude’s like, “I’m gonna call her.” His buddy, “Don’t.” He’s like, “I’m doing it, man. I love her, all right. Shut up! I don’t care if she’s married. She needs to know right now that I love her, okay? I’m gonna fucking tell her right now! No, I don’t give a shit if they had a kid, she needs to fucking know. Okay? She needs to know right now that… Shut up! She needs to know. Which one do I go up and then back around real quick? I can’t see shit, ’cause you got the plastic on it. I can’t see anything. Because you’re poor, Jebediah. Get over here and help me. Why is your name Jebediah? It’s 1968, you got a weird family. I bet your dad’s a fucking magician.” Fucking magic. So, back to the party. Drunk, people trying to give me shit, my friends trying to give me shit. Here’s the deal, you grow up a little bit, you get less embarrassed, notice that? It’s nice. You get a little less embarrassed. The bubble expands and you get less embarrassed. It’s not like high school. Isn’t it interesting that high school was the most embarrassing time of your life, but it really was the easiest time of your life. It really was, you know. Like, everything was the end of the world in high school. Remember reading out loud? Why did we have to do that? Did anybody here actually learn how to read… from that cock-blocking experience that I had to go through? Anybody else have to stand? Did you have to stand? Yeah. Why? What is it, a play? What the fuck am I standing for? My teacher would skip turns. Did you ever think you were, like, fourth, so you memorize four ahead? I’m not even listening to a reading now, because I’m trying to memorize a chapter. Because in my mind, I think if I read well, Laurie will give me a hand-job. That’s where my fucking head is. And nobody in the history of school is ever given a hand-job for good reading, never. No girl in the cheerleading squad has been like, “Why’d you fuck that guy?” “He’s really good at reading.” That never happened. My teacher would just skip. She’d go, “Let’s have fun with it. Okay… Brent, can you please stand and stop shaking… and read the complicated book that you never read before, while you go through puberty and get hard for no reason?” Remember that? Remember getting hard in high school? That’s a dick I wish I had. I know I talked about my dick a minute ago, but that’s my adult dick. My high school dick knew what he was doing, he was a go-getter. I wish I knew how to use him in high school, he was like Rudy. You know what I mean? Like, he had… No, he was great. Like, “We practiced for the prom!” You know what I mean? Like, he was just so good. I don’t know if you girls were aware of that. We would just get hard. I would just yawn at 8:00 a.m. and be hard as shit in math class. Did you ever try to take a math test hard and not look like a serial killer in your fucking life? I failed the math test. 51, I got a 51 on the test. Hard the entire test. Forty-five minutes, just painfully hard. I thought it was gonna come out and be like… Like, I thought that was gonna happen. Just rubbing up against the JNCO jeans I thought were in style. I’ll never forget this test, I’ll never forget it. It’s the only test I remember. I was so hard and I’d never study, I was an average student, I told you that. I didn’t care. So, I’m sitting there and I’m like, “Okay, here we go. All right, I’m rock hard. Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. Here we go, all right. Yeah, great test. Excited. So excited. Yeah, can’t wait. Why the fuck is she always looking at me? Okay, here we go. All right, here we go. Still hard. Still rock hard, okay. You got this. You don’t need to study. You’re a smart guy. Just get into it. Just have fun with it. It’s math. Math… Okay. Common sense. Here we go, question one. Okay, ‘The Pythagorean theorem is…’ Okay, question two, question two. ‘Show work.’ Fuck you. I don’t need to show work. Excited, yeah. It’s great. What the fuck? She’s still looking at me. Okay, here we go. You know what, let’s go to page two. You don’t have to start on one. Why you wanna start on one? You’re gonna conform, dude? Go ahead. No, here we go. Page two, here we go. Page two. I don’t know any of those shapes. Page three. This isn’t NASA. Page four. It’s just a blank page. This is just a blank, ‘Show work on page.’ You want me to sketch math, goddammit? Excited. Yeah, just getting a… Goddamn, she’s still looking at me. You fucking bitch. Here we go. You know what? Let’s go back to page one, let’s cheat. Wanna go to college, gotta cheat. Sometimes you gotta cheat to go to college. Here we go. It’s okay. Still hard. Still hard. Rock hard. It’s hurting even more. Here we go. Now she’s not looking, we’re gonna look over here. Here we go. Is that a calculator? Do we need a fucking calculator for this test? Shit. Miss Fields?” “Yes, Brent.” “I don’t have a calculator.” “Come to the front and get one.” “Um…” “You know what, I’m in it. I’m into the test. Is there any way you could bring it to me?” “Can I bring it to you? Do you think that’s what life is, Brent, people bringing you things? What if I call your parents, educators like myself, and tell them that your son wants me to bring him things? This is why you’re failing in class, this is why you may not graduate high school. This is why you and I are having a disconnect and we need to discuss this.” “Shut up, Miss Fields! We know you got divorced. Okay, I know for a fact, she’s looking at me and I am still rock hard.” You know what I thought about, though, to this day, was there another guy in that class who had an angle on me taking that test? ‘Cause it’s one thing to, like, I knew what was going on, but if you didn’t, that had to be the weirdest experience of your life. Just some other guy, across the way, “All right, here we go. Carry the two and you gotta… Yo… Yo. Look at Brent right now. I’m not gay, look down. Are you looking down? Is he hard right now? Dude, he’s hard right now. He must love math.” “Dude, he doesn’t even have a calculator over there, look at him.” Here’s why I hated reading out loud, though. You thought I lost it, but I didn’t. I’m coming back. ‘Cause my voice would crack. Here’s where that sucks, even if the class didn’t catch it, if my friend Elliot was in that class, he called me out in front of everybody. Anybody had that friend, he’s your best friend, but he’s your worst friend? He never talked, but the second I was like “In 1944…” he was like… Oh! Ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! “Brent’s a virgin! Yeah, he told me, he cried. He cried at my house, he told me. Remember that shit? Everybody, look how red he’s getting. Look. Look. Miss Wagner, sit down. He’s my best friend. I’m allowed to do this shit. Please, sit down. Sit the fuck down for two minutes, please. Look at you! I’m gonna tell her. I don’t give a shit. Yo, Laurie, guess what? He’s in love with you. I caught him jerking off to your yearbook photo at my house. He sleeps over all the time, ’cause his parents are poor and they’re gonna get a divorce. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Fuck you, Brent! You sleeping over this weekend? All right, I’m gonna go. I’m going to detention. I’m going. I don’t give a shit, it was worth it. Fuck this” It was always worth it to get suspended to ruin my life. I never understood that shit. The hardest thing was to ask somebody out. That was the hardest thing to do in high school. That was the worst. Now I don’t care, I get turned down every day. Every fucking day. “Hey.” “No.” “Fine.” Drink, back to me. I wish we had a bar in high school. That’d be the best. Just go down to the fucking cafeteria, just a weird old guy, “What’s wrong?” “I got turned down for prom.” “I’ll get you fucked up, get you the Spanish…” You know what I mean? Here’s why it sucked. If you got turned down, like I said, my guy friends had no sympathy, but you girls would go and tell everybody right away. ‘Cause you had to, it’s not your fault. You had to do it. You had empathy for the situation, where you had to tell everybody. And you’d find anybody. Didn’t even have to be a good friend, it’d be the first person. Like, “Oh, my God, get over here. Ugh! Why is it you? Sherry, come on. Ugh! You suck. Listen. You are so gross. Listen. You’re the worst. Look at you. Focus. Focus. Bitch. Bitch. Okay, are you looking? Are you there? Thank you. Okay. You won’t believe who just asked me out. You know Brent Morin, the kid with the big head and the whatever body? Anyway. So, he walks up to me, sweating so much and he was covered in sweat, and he was holding his books tight like this. I’m like, ‘Did you just see a monster, what the fuck happened?’ Anyway, focus. So, he starts trying to make jokes and talking about a clown day, then he tried to do a cartwheel, fell on his back and knocked the wind out of himself. Fifteen minutes I was late for class. Then, out of nowhere he gets up and turns bright red, can’t even make eye contact and he goes, ‘Um, I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with me on Saturday?’ I was like, ‘No, I have a boyfriend.’ And he goes like, ‘Me too.’ And he just walked away. Did you know he was gay? And I heard he can’t read.” You know, I talk shit about high school, but I loved high school. Like I said, the greatest luxury of my life was being an average student, loved it. I was a popular kid, I had a lot of friends, life was great. What I would do is I would luck into situations. Like, when I was 17 years old, I was dating this 22-year-old dancer. Not stripper, but probably. You don’t ask a lot of questions at 17. But I’ll never forget this, okay? Because what would happen is I’d luck into something, but then I could ruin something. It was weird. Like, she said to me this, she goes, “Um, listen, I want you to come over. I wanna cook you dinner and then maybe we could do some other stuff.” So my heart is racing, my dick is tingling, I’m a virgin at the time. I’m thinking I’m gonna lose my virginity to a woman at her place, ’cause I lived with my parents. So, I went home and I dressed up. Like, dressed up, like it was communion. I don’t know what the fuck I was doing. Like, I was dressed up. My dad was like, “Where are you going?” I was like, “The movies.” He was like, “A premiere? Where the fuck are you going?” So I go to her house and here’s the problem, at 17, I didn’t know how to open up a sexual conversation. I didn’t know. Did you just show up naked in an over-sized coat? You know, she opens the door and I’m like, “Hey, fucking dessert.” You know? I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to open a sexual conversation. So, we’re sitting there, we have dinner, everything’s going well, I’m rock hard under the table, Rudy’s like, “I wanna play!” You know what I mean, like, it’s happening. But I don’t know how to do it, so now she’s in the kitchen, she’s washing the dishes. About two and a half hours in, I start to panic. I realize, I gotta make a move, I gotta man up. I gotta be a man and let her know that I’m here for sex, I wanna become a man tonight. This shit is happening tonight. Also, I have curfew in a half hour, so I had to make this shit happen. So, I go into the kitchen, I decide I’m not gonna think before I speak, that’s when I get in trouble. I’m just gonna walk in and instinctually say something, which was a terrible fucking idea. So, I walk in, I turn the faucet off, I turn her my way and she’s like, “What?” And I said something, to this day, I have zero idea what it means. I looked at her and I said, “Hey, you know what I was… thinking? You and me, we should play house.” Yeah, I have no fucking idea what that means, right? Then she looked at me and this is what she said, she goes, “Sweetheart… you wouldn’t even know what to do with me.” Yeah, and I was like… I couldn’t think of anything to say. I fucking panicked. Like, I felt like there was a construction site in my head with, like, a pissed off foreman. Like, “We need words! He looks like an idiot out there! Somebody get some fucking words, please! Hurry! We’re gonna blow this shit!” Some guy comes in, like, “Hey, Donnie, all we got is pictures of pandas down here. Little pandas… What? We got a weird head. Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault. He’s a weird kid.” So, I don’t know why I did what I did next but I couldn’t get anything out, so I just picked her up and I threw her on the kitchen counter. And she loved that. I didn’t know she’d like that. In fact, she liked it too much. Because she went from sexy to scaring the shit out of me very fucking quickly. She went from, “Yeah,” to, “Yeah, you fucking want it?” And I was like, “I’m not ready.” You know what I mean, like, I immediately… Like, Rudy put his jersey down, “I don’t wanna play.” And he just checked out, you know? This is something billionaires pay for, in their 50s. This is the only time that you get this kind of girl. She starts looking at me, “Come on, you fucking pussy, you want me?” I’m like… Like, I… I had, like, reverse puberty. I was like, “Oh, man I’m six.” You know? Like, I was not ready for this. So then she pulls me in, then she takes her claw, and I say claw ’cause it had to be a fucking claw. And she just put it into my back and I just saw the past. I saw me as a little Italian boy, like, “Papa…” You know, just fucking gone. So I’m just gone, right? And then she rips my tie off. Yeah, I was wearing a tie. She rips it off. And then she kicks me against her table. Right? So, now I’m against the table and she jumps on me and… rips my shirt open. Which is hot, right? Well, apparently, I didn’t think so, because the only words that came out of my mouth were, “My buttons!” Like, my heart was sweating. It was like “Mom” all over again. You ever just say… I don’t know where it came from. I felt like… The same voice and same hand, by the way, just, “My buttons!” Like, I was on a Broadway play and that was my only line, just, “My buttons!” Honestly, I could picture the construction site. The foreman would be like, “Who the fuck put that out there? Tommy, was that you?” “Yeah, you know me, I like trouble. Let’s get outta here, he ain’t getting laid. He’s gonna be a comedian.” Now, here’s why I tell you that. This is why I tell you this. Here’s why. Because I think it’s good to have embarrassing moments in your life. I think having embarrassing moments growing up helps build character. I think it helps build a person. I feel like kids today are growing up so fast, they’re skipping that shit. They are. Everything I read about them, there’s no innocence. Like kids are getting blowjobs in the bus now. What? What magic school bus Ms. Frizzle shit? Seriously, what beautiful trip to school did I miss? How does any boy miss the bus? Even if you’re not the kid who gets the blowjob in the morning, you still have to wake up and be like, “Maybe, today.” You have to. You know who I feel bad for, though? I feel bad for the mom, the stay-at-home mom who has to deal with the kid who does get the blowjob in the morning, and that kid misses the bus. Because that has to be the biggest temper tantrum of all time. There’s no way where she’s like, “Honey, you’re gonna be late…” “For school! I know, you didn’t fucking wake me up. Shit! Kyle! Hold that bus, don’t be shitty!” Mom, the French toast sticks, let’s go, come on, we’re late.” “They’re not ready.” What the fuck is going on with you, Mom? Go, get the goddamn sticks! Goddamn it, Kyle! Fuck! The bus left. Are you fucking happy? Shit! We got nine iPads in the house, you can’t set one fucking alarm? I have an A average, Mom. I have a test, I need to clear my fucking head! You’re such a bitch. You’re a straight bitch, Dad’s right.” “Why are you mad?” “You wanna know why I’m mad? You really wanna fucking know? Okay, fine, cat’s out of the bag. Here’s the deal, you got one job, all right? Wake me up, French toast sticks, get my dick sucked, go to class! Now you gotta drive me to school. I’m jerking off in the car.” “No, you’re not.” “Yes, I am.” “This is boring, my friends aren’t here. The French toast sticks, Mom.” “I’m not getting in there.” “Then wait in the house and leave the heat on, it’s freezing.” You know what I like to picture? I like to picture, like, a really content neighbor next door, who, like, loves his life, been married for 40 years, just coming out in, like, a bathrobe, just being like… “What a beautiful morning, huh? This is great. Hey, Debbie, get down here. You gotta see this, it’s a good day.” “I’m getting ready.” “All right… Love life. Hell, yeah.” “What’s going on over there? That the Anderson kid? What’s he doing in that car? Windows are fogging up pretty good. And he looks pissed. What, is he jerking off? You can’t jerk off pissed, you’ll rip your dick off. Hey! Hey! Hey, Debbie, get down here. The Anderson kid is gonna rip his dick off. Hey! Hey, you’re gonna rip your dick off. Yeah. Yeah, you’re gonna rip your dick off! Don’t be angry. Oh, he flipped me off. Debbie!” It’s the most ridiculous shit. You know what even is more baffling now, is how kids are sleeping with their teachers. We could have done that? Who discovered that? What Christopher Columbus pioneer kid… Seriously, especially, at 13. Thirteen years old, as a guy, is the most insecure time in your life. What cocky, arrogant, 13-year-old kid would sit in the back of Spanish class with his friends, looking at the teacher, like, “Dibs.” Like, even if you wanted her and thought she wanted you, like, how do you open up flirting, for real? It’s hard enough to hit on a girl in a grocery store. How, as a 13-year-old, do you think she’s interested? What’s your sign? What, do you get, like, a “See me” on your test, and took it a different way? She’s like, “Okay, Billy, I needed to talk to you about your test.” “Why don’t we put that away, here’s what’s gonna happen. Have you been playing games with me, Miss Hagadorn?” “Billy, what are you doing?” “‘Billy, what are you doing?’ Shut up, you bitch. “Now, here’s the deal. You got a weird face, you’re not attractive, you’ve aged, you cry, have these fucking bags, you’re a mess, but I need you.” “Billy, your dick is out.” “I like the air. Now… Here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna go to dinner, Macaroni Grill. You’re buying. You can get whatever you like. I’m gonna color. They got good crayons there, you know? They got magenta, I love magenta!” “Lower your voice.” “Fuck you. I’m an artist. You don’t know that about me, you don’t know a lot of things about me. I also play baseball, Little League, All-Star team, switch-hitter. My dad’s the coach. He’s… He’s a grumpy man, business isn’t well… Plumbing is not too good. Anyway, I went in, he was watching the game yesterday. I said, ‘Dad, I gotta talk to you.’ He says, ‘Not now.’ I said, ‘Dad, I gotta talk to you.’ He said, ‘What do you need?’ I said, ‘I think I wanna fuck Miss Hagadorn.’ He says, ‘Why? She’s weird.’ I said, ‘I know, but I need her.’ Anyway, he gave me this permission slip that says I get to fuck you, so…” “Here’s what I’m thinking. After dinner, we go back to your house, I build a fort in your house. It’s gonna be about ten rooms, two stories, you’re not gonna know how I did it. Then I’m gonna get naked, I’m gonna run around in there and I’m gonna hide and you’re gonna try and find me. You’re not gonna find me. Then, once I decide I’m ready, I’m gonna crawl up that duck-dress you wear everyday and you’re gonna make a man out of me. Now, it’s not gonna be good… …but after that, I gotta leave. I got homework, that’s your fault. So, what do you say, Miss Hagadorn? You wanna make a man out of me?” “Billy… The whole class is still here.” Oh, my God. So, back to the party with the magician. So, now I’m drunk, he’s doing tricks, he looks great. I’m sad. I decide, I’m getting out, I’m leaving. I don’t say “bye” anymore. I’m done with byes. I Irish exit. If you don’t know what that is basically- Yes, everybody knows what it is, so I don’t have to explain. Just get the fuck out. Who cares? But I added something to it that you guys can use. Here’s what you do, you say one thing you really wanna do and then leave. You go, “Man, I’d love a bath.” Then leave and your friends will be like, “Where the fuck are you?” “I’m in a bath.” “You were serious?” “Yes, I said I wanted a bath.” Then you’re good, okay? I go home, I’m depressed now, I’m sad. I go to my room. I’m drunk, I decide I’m gonna YouTube some sad shit. Not like, “Hey, I’m gonna kill myself.” Just like, “Let me get a good cry in, before bed.” Like, you’ve never done that? You’ve never done that shit on YouTube? So, I start searching and I stumbled across the British X Factor. You ever seen that in your life? Not the American one. These kids have it too good. You have to do the British one, with the little orphan kids ’cause that hits the heart right away. That will get you immediately. Where the host is like, “What’s your name?” Kid’s like, “I don’t have a name.” Like, I’m just drunk and naked in my room, I have to pause it, like, “Give me a minute. Why doesn’t he have a name? You could have a name. Name yourself. You can name yourself ‘Steel’ and have fun with it.” I turned it back on, it was even worse. The host is like, “Where are your shoes?” Kid’s like, “I’ve never owned shoes before.” I’m like, “Pause! I mean, give him shoes! The show can give him shoes! You’re gonna let him walk around England with no shoes? It’s all stone roads, I think.” I turned it back on, it was even worse. The host is like, “Have you ever sang before?” Kid’s like, “Um… Actually, I’ve never sang, but… I figured, if I sing from my heart… then maybe my parents can hear me and have, like, a family again.” “That’s it, pause. I don’t need to hear you sing. You’ll be my son. I’ll find you. I’m gonna find you. I know, I’m drunk and naked, and I’m talking to a computer right now, but I’m gonna find you. I don’t know how, ’cause you don’t have a fucking name. But I’ll find you and I’ll get you any shoe you want. All right? And I’ll name you. You could be Brent. We’ll both be Brent. That’s a good name. And I’ll get you little suits. I’ll get you the little suits. So, we’d go to lunch, I will hold your hand and I’ll make you go to the host, you’ll be like, ‘Table for two.’ They’ll be like, ‘Is that his son, or a little business partner?’ They’re not gonna know. I’ll find you right now. Google, ‘little orphan boys with no names from England.’ Fuck!” They’re like, “Boss, he’s getting weirder!” Side note, the only thing worse than getting caught jerking off by your roommate, is getting caught crying naked, while watching orphans sing on The X Factor. I’ve never seen a more confusing entrance in my entire life. My roommate, who is my cousin, that I have to see at every family function, just walked in and had, like, six emotions in seven seconds. I’ve never seen anything like it. He goes, “Hey, you wanna eat? Holy Shit! Ha-ha-ha-ha! What are you doing? Ha! I gotta move!” So, I woke up the next day, and I started laughing, immediately. No, I did. Here’s why. Because I realized it was ego. It was just ego. I did shit with the ego and it fucked me up. Because here is me, okay, in life. Biggest romantic you’ve ever known. Growing up, loved love, that’s all I cared about. I was a six-year-old kid who would look out his bedroom window, see Laurie ride her bicycle by and be like, “One day, she’ll be mine.” I was. Then my little brother, who’s gay, would come out and be like, “You’re being a faggot.” You know what I mean, like… That’s how bad I am. That’s all I thought about. Like I said, I was an average student, so I used to skip school and see every romantic comedy, every romance movie. And there was a magic to it, ’cause I used to think that’s all that matters. Somebody is gonna walk in, time’s gonna stop and that’s it. That’s why I’m here, that’s it. I used to think like that. And now, as an adult, it’s different. I’m not saying I don’t believe in love, but it’s changed. I’ll see those movies, but I don’t believe in that magic anymore. ‘Cause it’s the same thing, my mind has shifted. Because it’s always the same movie. Some free spirit girl at the coffee shop, she brings her own wine from home, right? She has a book on travel, ’cause she’s gonna go to Europe, eventually. She has, like, a baby panda tied to her chair that nobody questions. Then there’s a conservative businessman who only cares about the promotion and he walks in and trips over the panda and falls into her and she’s like, “What the hell?” And he’s like, “I’m sorry.” And then they, like, lock eyes and have this connection. So they go on this free spirit adventure through San Francisco. And she’s saying shit to him, “You need to find your inner animal. You need to, like, roar…” Or some shit. So, later, they get in a fight and instead of doing a good job in the one meeting that he’s been training for his entire life, he decides that he is gonna fuck it up. And he loosens his tie and he goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am a lion. And they’re like, “You’re fired ’cause you had a mental breakdown.” Right? Then he gets fired and he has to run to the train station to find her, ’cause she’s so distraught, she’s going to Europe now, even though trains don’t go to fucking Europe. And he has to stop her and he has to give that big speech in every movie. “Listen to me. You were right, okay? Nothing else matters. And you’re right I needed to find my inner animal. I needed to roar and I did, ’cause I’m a lion, but you… you are my kingdom.” Or some shit like that. And I used to love that. I used to be the guy who used to see that and go, “I want that.” But now, all I think about is a year later. Where they’re sharing a studio apartment, because he can’t get a job in the corporate world anymore. Because he’s known as the fucking lion guy. Then you find out that her “free spirit” and wine she brings from home, she’s just really a bipolar alcoholic, who hasn’t had a job in nine years. Then one day, he’s just so depressed, ’cause he’s putting a vest on. Anytime you have to put a vest on for work, you’re not happy, you know, unless you’re a fucking magician! Anyway, point is, he’s putting a vest on and he trips over one of the many sandals she hasn’t finished making for kids in Africa and he just snaps, like, “Goddammit, Destiny! Can you pick your fucking sandals up?” She’s like, “Why don’t you yell a little louder? Maybe, if we had a bigger place…” “Maybe, if I hadn’t roared in the fucking meeting, we would have a bigger goddamn place.” “Really? Blame me, keep blaming me, ’cause you couldn’t be professional.” “Are you fucking drunk right now? Be honest!” “Of course, I am, ’cause I’m like a spiritual…” “Shut the fuck up! No more spiritual shit! And what’s your real name? ‘Cause I know it’s not Destiny, I wanna know your real fucking name. And this panda’s huge now, by the way. It doesn’t fit, Destiny. It’s terrifying to walk. You wouldn’t know that ’cause you have to have your cry nap at 3:00 p.m. every fucking day. And I know you took it from the San Diego Zoo, I know for a fact you fucking did it. You can’t own a panda in San Francisco. And I looked it up. ‘Frizzy haired hippie steals panda, stabs trainer.’ So, here’s the new game we’re gonna play, Destiny. You’re gonna tell me your real fucking name, or I turn you into federal prison for the panda.” And she’s like, “Okay, well, how about this? Panda, get him.” Then the panda eats him and she’s back at the coffee shop. That’s kinda where I am with love. I lied to you. I actually did care about that girl with the magician. I did. Let me explain, okay? It’s not my fault, all right? That’s where I’ll leave it. I said it before, I do wanna be in love. I’m not ready for a relationship. And this is how I learned. I was with this girl. Now this girl, beautiful, smart, sexy, everything you’d want, wildly out of my league. Which is what you want, as a man. As a man, I think you find somebody out of your league and then you trick her. And you pray she doesn’t catch on, that’s the goal. You pray she doesn’t come down like, “I was just thinking about us.” “No, no, no, no, no… Hey, hey, I’m funny, hey.” You know? So it’s about two months in, I’m starting to think maybe I can date this girl, okay? But I don’t think you should force it. I think you have to find it and at the moment, I’m thinking I can do it. So, we’re out to dinner and she says to me, rightfully so, she goes, “So, what do you think about a relationship?” And I wanted to respond, but up here, I just snapped. And I started picturing us together. Like, comfortably together. Like, in on a Saturday night, watching some Reese Witherspoon movie that she picked, that I didn’t wanna watch. Then she’s gonna pause it for 45 minutes to talk to her aunt about her Xanax problem. Then before we can argue, she snaps a photo of me and puts it on Instagram. Like, hashtag date night, hashtag jealous, like, no. Nobody’s jealous and I’m skinny fat now, which I didn’t know was a fucking thing. Then I started thinking, if we’re comfortably together, we’re gonna get married. I started thinking if we get married, we’re gonna have kids. And about the kinda kids I don’t want. I don’t want a creepy daughter. I don’t need that in my life. I don’t need some little girl, pale all year, with bangs. Every time I open the front door, she’s just standing there, like, “Hello, Father.” She dresses like a pilgrim, I don’t know where she got the clothes. I’m like, “Honey, where are you getting the materials to make these?” “She gave ’em to me.” “Who?” ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ “Don’t hum and walk away, honey!” I can’t even go to the bathroom at night, she scares the shit out of me in hallways. Just, “Father.” “Jesus! Fuck!” “Christ. Mary Sue, could you go to bed, please, Mary Sue?” I didn’t even name her Mary Sue, the “house” did. Three in the morning, she’s fully dressed, I’m like, “Honey, why are you up right now?” “We’re playing.” “Who?” “Me and her.” “Don’t point that high!” Every weekend, I’m trying to watch a game, she’s just up in her room, humming a song that I’ve never heard and painting, just, ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ “Father.” I run up to her room, and I’m like, “Honey, you’re scaring the shit out of me. How did you do that?” I see what she’s painting. Just paintings of my face, really well done, like this. Then I thought about this, I don’t want a hot son, either. I don’t want that in my life. I don’t need the Brad Pitt kid, I don’t want him. I don’t want 6’3″, tan all year, even though we live in Connecticut. He’s got an eight-pack, but only eats his Doritos and cookies, which really pisses me off. He has that long hair, when he makes cumming noises, every time he moves it, just… “Could you knock that off, Brock?” I didn’t even name him Brock, the town did, they sent me a letter. He’s always getting up for school at 11:00 a.m., even though school’s at 7:00 a.m. But he gets straight A’s, but he spells “the” with a “b”. I’m like, “Are you sleeping with your teachers?” He’s like, “Relax, Puffy Pops.” He calls me Puffy Pops. So, I’m way past skinny fat, I’m just fat as shit now. He’s on the basketball team, but he’s not even good. He’s on it ’cause he’s cool. After the game, I gotta hold all his shit. But he’s at mid-court, fingering the head cheerleader on an adrenaline kick. “Give me a minute, Puffy Pops.” I’m like, “Jesus Christ, Brock. The whole school is still here.” “It’s all right, I know her body.” “You don’t know bodies, Brock. You shouldn’t know bodies. Denise, I apologize about your daughter.” “I don’t mind.” “That’s fucking weird, Denise. Brock, hurry up, please, come on!” “It’s all right, Puffy Pops. I know her body.” “Shut the fuck up! Stop calling me Puffy Pops, all right? I’m doing P90X to get back to skinny fat, you wanna fucking talk to me… You call me Dad, all right?” “Father.” “Jesus! Fuck! Mary Sue, how did you get here?” “I walked.” “That’s 11 miles. Brock, hurry up! Please, she’s warm and it was snowing out. Honey, move your arms when you walk. Move your arms when you walk, please. Show Daddy your feet, you made your dress too long, it looks like you’re floating. Can you show Daddy your feet, please, and move your arms? You’re scaring parents. Smile! For once in our family’s life, can you do that, please? You’re scaring everybody.” “She’s coming.” “What the fuck does that mean? Brock, hurry up! She’s being weird. Is that a painting, Mary Sue? I don’t want the fucking painting. I’m done with your paintings, okay?” ‘She sets her school on fire, her smile…’ Holy shit. Brock! Hurry up! She’s coming!” He’s like, “I know, Puffy Pops. I did it. I’m the best. I’m the greatest.” Then, Miss Hagadorn runs in like, “How could you do this to us?” I’m like, “I knew you were fucking your teachers.” Then I snapped out of it and I was still at dinner with that girl and she’s like, “Hello? So? What do you think about a relationship?” My point is… I’m single. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Dude, stoked. She’s gonna love that, dude. Oh, my God. She say anything yet? What’d she say? Yeah. “Can’t make it. LOL.” Well, now I’m fucking soaking wet. Slap. Getting ready to get up outta here, dog. So… If you wanna go ahead and start… Hey… You know what’s funny about love? – No. – Sometimes, it doesn’t go both ways. You’re right. Sometimes, nothing goes your way, like, you won’t go that way towards the exit. I don’t understand why you won’t leave. Show’s over. ♪ She had sandy brown hair ♪ ♪ And a funny smile… ♪ ‘Cause some of her teeth were missing. ♪ …And she was my angel ♪ She could’ve been the one, you know. I save her a seat then she doesn’t come and it’s like… You saved her a few seats, ’cause there was a couple of ’em empty. – There was a bunch of just wind… – Don’t. I know. – The fan base is… – Just a whole bunch of air. I get it. I got it, all right? It’s just like… They could’ve Grouponed your tickets. They did. They did? I shouldn’t have said that. You ever hear of a filter? You need a filter. Like… We’re friends. We’re not friends, we just met today. Adam, help me with the chorus. ♪ Love ♪ ♪ Love, love, love, love ♪ ♪ Feelin’ it ♪ ♪ I’m feelin’ it ♪ – ♪ I’m feelin’ it ♪ – ♪ I’m feelin’ it ♪ ♪ I’m feelin’ it ♪ – ♪ Oh, love – ♪ Feelin’ love ♪ ♪ Love, love I’m feelin’ it ♪ ♪ Love, love… ♪ Yeah, come on. ♪ …I’m feelin’ it ♪ ♪ Love, love, love ♪ He’s pretty good. Oh, my God. – Damn! – So, I’m kinda helping, though, right? – No. – No. Jared’s way better. I would prefer just to hear him. If… Okay. Uh-huh. – Dude, that’s the song. – Stop looking at me, dude. – That’s the song. – That was the highlight of the night. – Whatever, dude. – Hey, man, you know what? You pretty good, Bread Moran’s brother. Did you just call me bread? – That’s your name. – Brent Morin. Bre… What? Brent Morin. You just called me Bread Moran. I thought it was Bread Mo… – Look, that’s what… – Nobody’s named bread. Well, somebody had to be named Bread. – I mean, ’cause it’s a name. – When? When they named bread. It’s like, before bread was made, somebody had to be named Bread, so they would know the name bread. – That’s not a good story. – All right. Let’s do it. ♪ Fee… ♪ I gotta throw up. – Brent? – I gotta throw up. No, you gotta throw up outside. Outside!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE O2 LONDON (2018) – PRINCE HARRY & MEGHAN MARKLE’S ROYAL WEDDING

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-royal-wedding-2018/

This is so amazing, so many of you here, to see me.. huh!? I feel like Meghan Markle… this is dope! That was like the most amazing experience. I didn’t know that the Royal Wedding was going to be this weekend. I didn’t know it was gonna be today. I planned my show long before them… I knew that I loved you before he knew… that’s what I’m saying… I planned our big day long before they planned theirs… and then now everyone was like… Are you going to London, are you go for the Royal Wedding? Are you here for the Royal Wedding? Are you here for the Royal Wedding? It’s quite an event, I have to say… like everything.. everyone… everyone is watching… everything about you! All the stories people would talk about… Cause you’re watching it all over the world. They’re like… yes Megan Markle… Yes, she isn’t she isn’t the typical royal! Yes… she’s not the typical royal… what we mean is… (mouthing) “BLACK” Yes! Typical Royal, she’s comes from an unconventional (mouthing) “BLACK” family! Yes… very different (mouthing) “BLACK” family. I was like… yeah man she does, she comes from an unconventional family… just like Harry… Same thing. Come on! It’s true! Same thing. And they look good together. It was beautiful! Everyone was stressed out about it… Megan Markle’s family was in the tabloids… The Daily Mail trying to destroy their lives! Man, when the Daily Mail comes after you… They do not mess around! They will find that one Uncle in your family who’s an alcoholic and shits his pants!!! Meet Trevor’s Uncle Bobby… I didn’t even know I had an Uncle Bobby!! Well now you do…. and he shits his pants!! and they’ll always find a way to try and link it to you… like it’s your fault! They’ll be like… Megan Markle’s, Uncle’s, son Donny didn’t pay his bills! she doesn’t even know him! Doesn’t matter… It shows that her family is unconventional. I’m not gonna lie… I was glad that it was the white side of Meghan’s family That was a…. I’m not gonna lie… I’m…. We could not handle that as black people! That is the last thing we needed! Can you imagine if that was the black side of the family?? Really!? If Megan’s dad was on TV and he was like…. Oh noooo, I’m not coming to their wedding. Noooo! Here we see Meghan’s father posing for photos…. Ahh you caught me again… oh no, you have caught me! ahhh! Black people would have never… Cause that’s the hard thing about being a minority… whether you’re black… whether you’re in your… whether you… you know whether you’re Arabic… whatever it is… like if you’re a minority… if you if you have a certain skin tone… you know that every action you commit, every action you commit, like…. taints your whole… your family. It taints your everything! White people are individuals… that’s white people… that’s like the best thing in the world! That’s what white privilege means to me, you’re an individual… Let’s look at Dave… he is excellent! He’s a mass murderer!! As Trevor, if I killed half of you tonight… they’d be like… Ahhh… Those mixed breeds!! I take everyone down with me! So much stress. So I was glad… I was glad… Like her mom was there… uh no, fly… looking beautiful as well! The wedding went off without a hitch… And my favorite thing was how like… how like, the British media talked about… How black the event was… and they weren’t… I understand and here’s the thing… This is like one of those things, where I understand… like, they want to talk about it… because you’re not used to having like a black wedding, right?! And so like everyone today… I’d had like CNN… contacted me and they’re like… Trevor! Would you mind speaking about…umm..The wedding.. and, and rarely all the black performers?! There was a black cellist… and, there was a black choir… and a black Pastor! How do you feel?? Black?!? I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel… What are you… How do you respond to that question?! How do you feel about… I don’t know how I feel, it’s a wedding! I don’t know… what do you want me to say? that’s a normal wedding… I wasn’t watching that wedding being like… Whoa that’s black! So much black… Another one! It’s a wedding… what do you want me to say… It’s people! And also… I feel like people go too far, like you know that’s where you realize that there’s enough…. there’s not enough like diversity in your world. Is if you think that… THAT made it a black wedding!! Let me tell you something… A black cellist… has canceled itself out! If have a black person playing the cello… It’s safe to say, that you’ve canceled out the blackness of that event! That’s the safest way to introduce blackness into your family… Daddy!! I’m dating a black man!! What?!? He plays the cello! Alright, bring him in, bring him in! Even white people think a cello is white. You walk in with a cello?! White people are also like… What the hell is that man? like it was a black wedding… It wasn’t a black… It was just a wedding! It was a beautiful, beautiful wedding! If it was a real black wedding, it wouldn’t have ended! That’s a REAL black wedding! It would NEVER end! If it was a real black wedding… Prince’s Nigerian Uncle… You would’ve found like Harry’s Nigerian Uncle He would have been in the carriage with them… I’m not paying for this carriage… And not riding in it, ahh?! you want to ride alone Harry?? You want to drive alone?! Let me tell you something.. Ah!? Let… me… tell…. you something! We are all getting in this carriage! Ah?! Every single one of us! _______, get in the carriage… There is space for everybody! Don’t be like that Harry! huh?! This is your family’s day! This is not just your day ah?! When you were a little boy…. Who was there for you?! Huh? Who was there? That… I was here! ah!? I was there! Uncle _______ was there for you Harry! Don’t be like that, huh?! Don’t be like that! Where do you think you get your bald spot from? Ah?! Where do you think you got that from? That’s a black wedding! This was just a wedding… a wedding that included black people, that’s all it was. And it was beautiful. It was beautiful to see… All the celebrities showing up. All the famous people… they sang God Save The…. I never noticed… that when they sing God Save The Queen… The Queen doesn’t sing. which I understand… I mean, I feel like that would be a little bit weird Like she knows… like which is… like that’s what I like about the Queen, I’m not gonna front Like she has a gangster vibe about her. Like… she’s gotten to that point where she’s like… Yeah I’m the Queen, I’m over it! Let’s keep it moving… She doesn’t act like someone who’s the Queen anymore… She’s just like I’m over it… I’m the Queen! And so everyone standing there like God, (gibberish) She’s like… yeah yeah, I know, I know… Save Me, I know! I’m not going to sing it for myself! Can’t be like…. Saaa, aaaa, aaaaave, me! Saaave Me, Oh Saaave Me! I don’t need you assholes to save me! I drive myself! It was such a beautiful day… every single piece of it. It was wonderful, seeing the people in the streets… Everyone had a smile on their face… You know, everyone was happy! Cause like Harry’s popular! He’s popular in southern Africa. He’s popular in the UK. He’s got that cool vibe about him… you know Meghan Markle as well… has inspired people. The only weird thing in the wedding for me was… they had a black Pastor. African Pastor, and… and…. This was like… It was weird in a good way! He started giving a sermon… And he started talking about Martin Luther King. And then he started talking about slavery. And I could see, in that moment… There were people in the audience who were like… God Save The Queen! God Save The Queen! Somebody STOP this man! God Save The Queen!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

KEVIN JAMES: NEVER DON’T GIVE UP (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-james-never-dont-give-up-full-transcript/

Recorded at New York City’s Beacon Theatre ♪ Yeah! ♪ ♪ Siege ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪ ♪ And when you hear the sound Of the drum ♪ ♪ We’ll be saying, “Here we come!” ♪ ♪ Yeah, here we come Hey, here we come ♪ ♪ Huh! Here we come ♪ ♪ Here we come ♪ ♪ Yeah, here we come Hey, here we come ♪ ♪ Hey, here we come ♪ ♪ Here we come ♪ Wow. New York! I gotta be honest, I was not expecting that. I was expecting a little more. I just felt… I felt like you had a little in the gas tank and kinda… Get that picture. Get it. I wasn’t ready, hold on. Come on. I’m always in bad pictures. I want to take a good one, like I’m doing something. There you go. You got it? All right, good. I just took a picture with a group of ladies backstage. Very nice, older ladies, very sweet. I don’t mind taking pictures. I just wish the person they elect to take the picture… had seen a cell phone camera once before. I get locked into say cheese position… “She doesn’t know what she’s doing, does she?” She’s just standing there. “I… I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t… I see me. I’m taking pictures of me. No… Now I got it. Sorry. Nope. I’m in Google Maps, hold on a second.” You’re just stuck there. “It’s fine. It’s fine. Yeah, it’s fine. It’s fine. It’s all right. It happens all the time. It’s all good. Yeah, your lower back is sweaty. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody had a Caesar salad earlier, huh?” I was in Atlanta at the airport waiting for my bag, and this woman asked to take a picture, and I was like, “Sure, no problem,” and she takes out her iPhone, and she just holds it on me, and I’m just standing there. She doesn’t say anything. I’m just standing there. Finally, I just started smiling on my own. Still nothing. Then I started turning into it to let her know I was ready, like… “There you go. This is it. Snap it!” Finally, I was like, “Did you get it?” She goes like this, she goes, “Nope. I’m getting it.” “I’m getting it?” She’s video recording me from a foot away. Like I’m a panda at the zoo. And then she was like, “Could you do something?” “Could I? Yeah, yeah. How about I sweep your legs out from under you, watch your hip bounce off the mosaic tile? How about that? Let’s see if we can keep filming with a shattered hip. How does that feel?” When do you watch that video? When are you ever gonna watch that video? When does it come up? When are you like, “Honey, know what? Let’s do it tonight. Yes, let’s crack open a bottle of wine. We’ll invite the gang over and watch a random clip of someone who doesn’t know they’re being filmed. Remember how much fun we had last week watching Coolio at the dry cleaners? Tonight we got Kevin James looking very confused at baggage claim. Check it out.” “Did you get it? Are you good? Did you get it? You good? Did you get it?” God forbid somebody walks in late, “I gotta rewind it, hold on a second.” This one older guy wanted to take a picture. He had a walker. First off, is there going to come a time in my life where I see a walker without the tennis balls on the bottom? Honestly, all the technology we have nowadays. Could we please slow down production on the next iPhone… and just dedicate a couple guys from Apple… to work on the tennis ball on the walker problem we have running rampant in this country? It’s gonna take ’em what, seven minutes? They’ll bang out a solution. This guy had an active walker, too. He had a handbrake on the walker. How fast are you walking? I thought walking was the problem. That’s why you got a walker. You got a walker. Now you have a handbrake on the walker in case things get out of control. ‘Cause you never know when you’re walking along a highway, someone sneaks up behind you, bumps the horn, you get all crazy legs… and Riverdance off into the woods. You guys are fun. You guys are good. That’s why I’m not doing an encore. Gonna give you the whole show up front. I don’t like encores, they’re insincere. I don’t like ’em. They’re fake. You know? I went and saw Aerosmith in concert about three, four years ago. And they were great, by the way. They were fantastic, but they didn’t play their best song. They didn’t play “Dream On.” And then they walked off stage, and the whole audience had to stand on their feet clapping for 15 minutes before Aerosmith came back out and finished their job. You know you’re gonna play “Dream On.” The whole arena knows you’re playing “Dream On.” “Let’s cut the dance, Steven Tyler. I got a babysitter needs me home by 11. Can we… You owe me ‘Dream On.’ You owe it to me.” Entertainment’s the only profession that does it. You don’t see your accountant, like, “Well, here are most of your taxes. Good night!” “You didn’t finish!” “Let’s see how loud you can get it out there, maybe I’ll come back. Just not feeling it right now. I am not feeling it.” They gotta stand out there with their cell phones, “Come on, Irv, close with the refund! You forgot the refund, Irv!” I had to get my eyesight checked, so I went to Pearle Vision Center, and as I’m walking in the store, in the front window of the store, they have a massive poster of this little boy opening a birthday present and it’s a pair of eyeglasses. And he couldn’t have been happier. He was… He had, like, a little tear cracking on the side, just rolling down his face. What kind of sick parent… gives their child eyeglasses as a gift? “Well, you know, Leonard, you were very good this year. You pulled in an A-minus average. You were very good to your sister. You did everything your father and I asked of you, so… this year… we’re gonna give you the gift of sight! Enjoy vision, Leonard. Enjoy it! Not gonna lie, we were on the fence. Your father is still against it, but I was like, ‘Larry, he deserves it.’ So, happy birthday, welcome to vision. You get focus, Leonard. You get focus.” “Thank you, Mommy.” “No. No problem. Now you run and get your Christmas crutches and hurry back. We’ll talk about that dentist trip that’s always been on your wish list.” By the way, quick announcement to the lactose intolerant community. If I offer you ice cream, and you can’t have any, just say, “No, thank you.” That’s it. There is no joke. That’s just the message I want to get out there. I want to silence the lactose intolerant. I don’t need to know the havoc dairy products are gonna wreak on your bowels… right before I’m about to dig into my rocky road. Are we clear? Are we good? You didn’t win an award. Gotta work it into every conversation? Why would you ever bring it up? You can feel them wanting to bring it up. They’re, like, trying to work it in. It’s like double dutch for them. They’re like… You could be at a buffet table. You just feel it. “That looks yummy, but I probably can’t have it. Wanna know why?” “No. I don’t care why. I have no interest. Just the fact that I can enjoy it without any problems is enough for me.” “You know what it is? I don’t want to bother you. I’m just gonna let you know, I’m lactose intolerant! Totally intolerant to lactose. Sorry, it’s just better for both of us, just so you know. It’s out there. I’m lactose intolerant. And I do CrossFit. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. You know, when I was first diagnosed LI, I… I decided that very moment I was gonna live every day to the fullest and just not let the little things bother me anymore, unless, of course, they contain dairy. Then they’re gonna bother me quite a bit then, but that’s me. That is my cross to bear and anyone who can hear the sound of my voice. That’s it.” Lactose intolerant. It didn’t exist 30 years ago. You can’t name one person who was lactose intolerant 30 years ago, ’cause it did not exist. Actually it did. It’s called a tummy ache. Toughen up, America. Toughen up! If you’re a man and you’re lactose intolerant, why would you ever bring that up to another man? Can you imagine Spartacus? Like… In the arena after, like, twisting a tiger’s neck, and he’s like, “What’s that? Coffee with half-and-half? I can’t have that. I get booboo belly. I can’t do it. I’m lactose intolerant. I’m lactose intolerant. Do you have a non-dairy creamer? Can you get a non-dairy creamer?” Where are the men? Where have they gone? Know what I think of men? I think of that picture in the 1930s of those construction workers sitting high above New York City, right, sitting on that steel beam. Right. Just eating their lunch. They’re eating their lunch. Can you imagine if the fifth guy in was like, “Hey… Is this cheddar cheese on my sandwich? I can’t have this. I’m lactose intolerant.” “Is that like polio?” “No! I get yucky tummy. “You guys got to scootch over! Move your knees, I gotta get by. I gotta get by, guys! Let me by. Can you guys let me by?” “We gotta lower the beam!” They would throw him off the back of that beam! Lactose int… there is not a more annoying group on the planet. Check that, a gluten douche. My apologies, the gluten douche trumps the lactose intolerant. Because the lactose intolerant is just annoying, but a gluten douche is a night-wrecker. Right? ‘Cause they’ll make you switch restaurants. They’ll be… “I don’t like this. Can we go where they have some gluten-free options? Do you mind if we switch restaurants?” “No! Order what you want, I’ll eat the gluten out of it. I’ll regurgitate it and feed you like a baby owl.” I made the mistake of picking a restaurant. You can’t do that. I went with two guys. I didn’t even know them. One was a gluten douche, the other was lactose intolerant. I chose a pizza restaurant! They’re… They’re each tying to outdo each other. “I can’t have bread. My stomach will bloat.” The other guy’s like, “Can’t have cheese. I’ll have to change my pants!” One and up. Out of the shadows like a ghost, a guy with a nut allergy came over. Yo, the nut allergy is the King Kong of food allergies! He was like, “I’m sorry, you got some food problems? Can I explain something to you? Let me break it down for you, okay? If I eat a nut… I die. I die! If a fork touches a nut in this restaurant, and I use that fork you gotta jab an EpiPen into my chest ’cause I am on my way to the afterlife. If the soil where this building was built upon ever harvested a nut or a seed of some sort, and I come in contact with it, I’ll melt into a pile of flesh. If college kids are driving by on the local highway, and one tosses out a peanut shell and the dust from that shell… works its way through the air and latches onto a nasal hair and shimmies its way up, I will explode! And you’ll be talking to a shadow of where I used to be.” Okay, nut allergy guy, you win. You win the food allergy competition. Yeah. Know who I feel sorry for? Shellfish allergy guy. You remember him? Remember him from the late ’70s? He was the only game in town. There were no food allergies then. He was just rare. He was just sitting out there. He was running the game. Imagine him today, trying to bring up his scratchy throat and puffy ankles? Nut allergy guy would grab him by the shoulders and knee him in the face! I’m very, very blessed, because I don’t have food allergies. I know some are tough. I can go to any restaurant I want, which is great. I’m very fortunate. I don’t like going to restaurants where the waiters are too excited to be there. You ever get them? “Hey, how’s everybody feeling tonight?” Slow it down, man. Let’s take it down. You know, he’s very excited? “How’s everything going? How’s everything taste so far? Can I get you anything else? No? Is everything good now?” Could you let the food hit the back of my throat? Ever have the waiter that feels comfortable enough to sit down at your table with you to take your order? “How’s everybody doing? My name’s Cooper. What can I start you off with?” “Well, Cooper, I think we’ll all start off with a nice big bucket of get your ass out of my booth.” “Everybody, we’re good with that? Then maybe some jalapeño poppers?” “Yeah, just your ass out of the booth and jalapeño poppers.” That’s why I go to restaurants like Benihana. I like Benihana ’cause it takes the waiter out of it really. Yeah. It does. It’s awesome, where they cook right in front of you. It’s good, and they give you a little show, which they need to update the show. I will be honest. I don’t need to see another smoking onion ring volcano. Or shrimp in the hat? Hey, shrimp in the hat. What, am I a five-year-old at magic camp? How about more shrimp on my plate? Why not work on that at the Hana? Yes, I’m disappointed in the Hana with the amount of shrimp they give you. It’s all about seat placement. You got to find the right place to sit. And I chose the wrong one… Third base. And unless you get, like, a southpaw chef which is very rare, you’re gonna get boned on the shrimp ’cause they start off very excited. They’re full of adrenaline. Their math skills aren’t the greatest. They’re just kinda… turn into Pete Townshend in the beginning dishing out the shrimp and you just see the pile dwindling. You see it just going down. I’m like, “He’s not even gonna make the turn.” “This is not gonna work out for me.” And he’s not even being selective in who he gives it to. He’s giving the same amount to a six-foot-four man as a baby in a highchair getting the same amount of shrimp. I know I’m gonna be stuck with two empty tails and an antenna. I also didn’t know at Benihana you’re supposed to wait until all the food is served before you start eating. I’m literally eating it off the spatula like a German Shepherd. It’s good. You guys are gonna definitely like the rice! I went and got ice cream. That’s one of the foods I don’t mind waiting for. It’s so good. It was a long line, great little place we went to. As we got to the front, the lady in front of me had to try every sample. When did we introduce the pink spoons, the samples? Every one just come out. By the way, two is the limit, right? Or I’ll give you three. If you can’t figure what type of ice cream you want in three samples, you need to stand outside the ice cream shop and just narrow it down mentally, come up with a game plan, ’cause even if you’re off a little bit, it’s ice cream. I get it if you want to try an exotic flavor like Chattanooga citrus crunch or something, but she was like, “Can I try double chocolate?” No! No. No! Just imagine regular chocolate in your head and then double it up. No. So great to be back in New York. We’re shooting a show out… This is so great, thank you, guys. We were shooting a scene in one of the neighborhoods on Long Island, and it was great ’cause all the people came out and watched. It was really fun, ’cause we got a chance to talk to them in between shots. I was talking to this one off-duty cop, very nice guy, for ten minutes. He was wearing a raincoat. I don’t know why. It wasn’t raining. He was great. We had a nice little ten minute chat. Then they called me back to shoot the next scene. I said, “All right, man, take it easy, buddy.” He goes, “Hey, before you go, I got a gift for you. I want to give you a cigar.” I said, “Thank you, that is just unnecessary and very sweet of you.” He said, “Just do me a favor. Just think of me when you smoke it.” I said, “What?” “Yeah, when you smoke it, do me a favor, just think of me.” I got weirded out, and I didn’t even know what to say. I was like, “Yeah, cigar, I gotta…” I just walked off. I thought, “How odd is that? You don’t give a gift to somebody and then give them instructions on how to enjoy it. What if I want to think about my kids or something else? It was just a weird exchange. I was freaked out. It was a good cigar. I went home and put it on my desk and I was like… It just made me feel weird. It was a nice gesture. Then it got weird. So I was like, “Forget it, man. I don’t need that cigar.” I left it there, and then I went to work the next day. And I came home, and I saw it again. It brought up these emotions again. And I was like… “Guy makes me think of this. This is crazy right now. It’s a good cigar. I should smoke it, but I can’t now because I don’t wanna do what this guy tells me to do. I got so angry at it. I said, “Just throw it out.” That was it. I went to throw it out and I was like, “No, don’t throw it out. If you throw it out, then he wins. He wins.” Then I thought to myself, “No, smoke it, but don’t think of him.” And that’s what I did, I smoked it. But I could not not think of the guy. I was literally like… “Man… Cop in the raincoat. He got me!” Can’t get him out of my head. I could not get him out of my head the whole time. I only met him for ten minutes. I smoked a whole cigar thinking about him every second of that cigar. And not just that cigar, then it was every cigar I had! And not just cigars, breakfast. I couldn’t get the guy out of my head! I was literally like, “I wonder what he’s doing today. It’s pouring out. I betcha he’s wearing his raincoat. Of course he’s wearing his raincoat. If he wore it with a chance of rain, he’s definitely wearing it today.” I keep thinking he’s going to his friends, telling them, “I just gave Kevin James a cigar, and I told him to think of me.” His friends were like, “You’re out of your mind. He’s not gonna think of you.” He’s like, “Nah, trust me. He’s gonna think of me. It’s gonna get in there and then it’s gonna spread. You watch this.” And look at me, I’m talking about him on my Netflix special right here. Well done, cop in the raincoat. Well played, my friend. I’m so blessed with this job. I get to work with some of the greatest people. I got to work with Nick Nolte. He’s like… Ah, man, he’s… He’s one of my heroes, you know? I was so nervous meeting him. They were bringing me over to meet him at this party. And I see him. He turns around, and he goes to shake my hand. As he goes to shake my hand, I see his hand’s in a fist, and I thought, “How cool is that, that Nick Nolte’s gonna give me a fist bump?” So I changed my hand to a fist, but then Nick opened his up at the last second, and I didn’t have time to pull out, and Nick just latched onto my fist. And he just started shaking my fist like a Magic 8-Ball. He was just going up and down and in a weird octagon, and I was freaked out. He starts talking to me. I can’t concentrate on a word he’s saying, ’cause all I’m thinking everybody at the party’s just thinking that Nick Nolte just beat me at some weird rock paper scissor game. I always think Nick Nolte’s at a party telling other people that he met me. “You ever shake hands with Kevin James? He’s got one normal hand and then he’s got can of soup! He threw it at me. I didn’t know what to do. I covered it, and he’s trying to pull it away from me, but I held on. I held on for a long time, like an eagle with talons.” They put me up at a great hotel here, which is really fun. It’s really nice. I love being in the city. I’m trying to go to my room. The room signs, can they make those any more difficult to read? I’m in room 15,712. Okay, this is 6,415 through… 27,695. Let me see what’s over here. What’s over here? No, this is 59,627. I’m just gonna lay here. That’s all. I’m just gonna lay here. I got in my room, and I was excited, ’cause I wanted to see the view I had. Thought it’d be the park or something, but I had another hotel right there. I look out the window and right away in another hotel window, I see a guy standing there, completely naked standing in the window. I thought how weird is it that that guy got there. He was like, “Hi, room 715. Thank you very much.” He got in, got in his room, put his luggage down… “Now we wait. We wait.” He was standing there. He had his fists on his hips, just like a naked superhero waiting for someone to save. I thought, “How weird is this that he’s doing this?” Then I thought, “How weird that you’re looking at him from another hotel locked on him like a puma, just…” Turns out he wasn’t just standing naked, he was ironing. He just started ironing. I didn’t see the ironing board. He was waiting for his iron to heat up. That’s a confident naked man just standing in a window waiting for your iron to heat up. “Nope, not…” I gotta be honest, the list of things I do naked is not very long. But even if you were to add 800 things to that list, ironing still ain’t gonna be on there. Way at the bottom along with frying bacon. It’s way at the bottom. Here’s a list of the top five things you’re never gonna see me do naked. Jump… climb a ladder… install insulation in my attic… sit on wicker furniture… and feed geese. I’m never feeding geese naked. That’s it. I got embarrassed. I went back in. I had to go down to the lobby. I got in the elevator. There were other people in the elevator with me. I pressed the lobby. You always expect to go right to your floor, but you ever get out too quick and you’re too embarrassed to go back, so you’re like, “Yeah, I’m good.” The people on the elevator know you screwed up. They’re like, “Sure you don’t want to get back on?” “No, no, no, I need the basement. I gotta check the pipes. I’m the pipe checker here at the hotel. We’re good. You guys go. I’ll see you in the lobby in a minute.” And you walk over back there and you press the button again, but it’s too soon, so the same people are in the elevator when it opens up. I love any form of transit that moves you from one floor to another. That’s technology to me. I appreciate that. Like escalators. I love a good escalator, man. You appreciate an escalator when you come upon a broken one at the mall. “We’ll head to Foot Locker, then get a slice of pizza… “Let’s just do it tomorrow. I’m out of here.” When you get on an escalator do me a favor, just grab the handrail and just stand there. Let life take over. Let it raise you from one floor to another. I can’t stand the people who still feel the need to walk. Same idiots always. It’s usually the guy with the NutriBullet full of greens. That guy’s, “‘Scuse me. On the left, ‘scuse me. ‘Scuse me.” I don’t let him by. I get all big. I’m like, “Not happening! No. No!” “‘Scuse me!” “Nope, not happening! Big man Pilate time.” I love those people movers at the airport, but they’re so random. You could be walking with your luggage for two miles… then out of nowhere, the airport’s like, “You know what? Give him a little strip of, like, 18 feet right there.” “Just 18 feet?” “Yeah, just 18 feet is plenty. Just give them a false sense of hope before they walk the additional 42 miles into the parking garage. I use them, though. I could literally walk by a people mover and be like, “They got a people mover. I didn’t see that.” Ever been on the people mover and you realize there’s somebody walking outside the people mover at the exact same speed as you? You can’t even make eye contact with him. You just… slowly turn yourself away from them. It’s when I do a lot of my deep thinking. “What kind of a fat lazy sea lion are you? You couldn’t walk an additional 18 feet? It’s 18 feet, man! You are a manatee, you know that? You sicken me. No more starting New Year’s. You’re starting now. Turn your life around!” You feel so guilty. You turn around. You feel like you owe the guy an excuse. “I’d be walking with you, man, but I just helped a friend move this morning and… then I ran a 5K… 66K, a bunch of Ks. I’m not sure how many.” He’s carrying four bags of luggage. I’m holding a Wendy’s bag, you know? I’m not even holding it. I’m resting it on the rails. I can’t even lift my fat lunch for 18 feet. You ever been on the people mover and realize you’re passing a Cinnabon? There should be a handbrake or an exit ramp. If they did their research correctly, they would realize the people on the people mover… That is your core Cinnabon audience! If they were really smart, they’d have every people mover go directly into a Cinnabon, right? Filtering in like a luggage carousel. Fatties just falling in like, “What the heck was that? Oh, Cinnabon. Yeah, I’ll take two. Extra icing on both, please. Yeah.” I love Cinnabon. I should not have it. I gotta get in shape, I gotta… I love sports. That was my dream, to play professional sports. That was my… Yeah. Yeah. I don’t think I have to tell you people how that turned out, but I still love it. I still love it. I love sports, sports clothing. I love Under Armour. I told my manager, I said, “Hey, I wonder if we can get an endorsement deal. Could you call Under Armour and see? ‘Cause I noticed the Rock got one… I thought maybe we can get one.” He was like, “You want me to call them?” “Yeah, can you give ’em a call?” He’s like, “All right…” He called me back five minutes later. I was like, “That was fast.” He’s like, “Yeah, that was fast.” I said, “How did it go?” He said, “Not good. In fact, they asked if you wouldn’t mind not wearing their clothes.” Be careful with the clothes you buy when you’re getting fat then lose weight. You gotta change your wardrobe accordingly. I threw on a mesh shirt from when I lost weight a long time ago, and I went to work out in it. Thank God I walked by a mirror. I was like, “Oh, no, no, no, no.” I looked like a bag of avocados. Took a little weight off, I gotta get more weight off. I was getting so big, I was taking longer in the shower. It was like washing a van, you know? It was like… I just started negotiating with myself.’ I’m like, “You know what? I’m just gonna do the front today. I can’t be washing all day. I got things to do, errands to run. I’ll get everything else tomorrow. I’m done.” I get cold fat. Big people get cold fat. Cold fat is when your body temperature is 100% correct, but there’s a section of your body that’s just ice cold. My wife will find it all the time. She’ll be like, “Your left love handle is freezing right now.” She’s not wrong. It’s like the blood said, “I can’t do this. I can’t get from there back to the heart. I don’t know what you want from me. I just can’t make this… You weren’t this big when we started together. I can keep your shoulder warm, but I say we let the love handle go. Eventually it’ll break off like an iceberg and just float away from us.” Gotta get in shape, man. I had to get a pedicure. I didn’t know what a pedicure was a month ago. A pedicure is where somebody else trims your toenails ’cause trimming the toenails with a cooker in front prevents you from getting… It’s tough for big people. It’s daunting when you can’t see it. It’s like diving for pearls. You gotta hold your breath, go down, try to get… Get as many as you can before you black out. You’re like, “Whoa.” Then you assess. You’re like, “I only got three! I got seven left. This is gonna take some time.” You’re coming in. You try to do different angles, trying to get your foot up on something. You come in at a weird angle, and you can’t even see. It’s like detonating a bomb. You’re like, “Please don’t take off the little toe!” When your first move to trim your toenails is back and then forward ’cause you need momentum… drop the ego and make that appointment. I got my colonoscopy. Little scary going in. Everything is fine. I was nervous. The doctor called me three days before, and he said, “Here’s how it’s gonna go down, Kev. The day before the procedure, you don’t eat at all. The morning of the procedure, I’m gonna take a camera, and I’m gonna snake it into your colon. I’m just gonna keep feeding it up there. And don’t worry. If I see any abnormalities, I’m just gonna burn them off on the spot.” I was like, “Whoa… I can’t eat anything the day before?” He’s like, “No.” I’m like, “Why not?” He said, “When we get in there…” I was like, “We?” He’s like, “Yeah, the team.” I’m like, “The team?” I always thought a colonoscopy was an individual sport, like bowling or archery. He’s like, “When we get in there, I want it to be like a clean highway. I want it to be pristine.” I was like, “First off, you gotta take the word ‘pristine’ off the table if we’re talking about my colon, okay? ‘Cause my colon is not gonna look like the poster in your office, I promise you. The supermodel colons you got in there all glistening and stuff. Mine’s gonna look like it went to war. If it had a voice, it would be like a Nick Nolte voice.” “How you doing? I’m Kevin James’ colon! I’m his colon! Crap, Reggie. Crap.” I want to be around a long time. I got four kids now, by the way. Four little ones, yeah. Do we have parents of young ones? Yeah? Couple there. Yeah. Kids are great. It’s the greatest gift on the planet. Children. There’s no better gift. When we had our first daughter, I freaked out. I told me wife, “There’s nobody on this Earth I will ever love as much as this little girl ever, ever again. I’m just gonna pour all my love into this child.” My wife felt the same. Then she got pregnant again. We were worried. We were like, “Wait, we just said we love this one so much, how do we split up our love?” Honestly, we were nervous about it. Our friends were like, “Relax. Everybody goes through it. It’s unconditional love. You love your kids equally.” And I gotta say, they were wrong. I don’t care for the second one, I just don’t… She’s just a little needy. Every day, it’s the same… “I’m hungry.” “Oh, really? That’s some news. We’re all hungry, get in line.” She’s my angel, that one. She stops in the middle of the day. She comes into my office middle of the afternoon. “Daddy, can I talk to you?” I’m like, “Yeah, what’s up?” “I just want you to know, I love you.” Yeah, and I’m like, “Are you kidding me? I love you.” She’s like, “No! I love you so much.” I’m like, “I love you so much.” And she’s like, “No! I love you more than brownies.” I was like… “Thank you. Thank you. I… I love you more than gluten-free brownies.” What do you say? I didn’t know what to say. The new one, our little new one, she’s not a daddy’s girl right now. I wish she was. The other day, she was crying standing in the hallway, late at night. I told my wife, “Let me go deal with her. It’ll give me a chance to bond with her.” I walk into the hallway and I’m like, “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” She stops me. She goes, “I want my mommy. I don’t want you. Go downstairs.” The first thing she said threw me the most. She said, “I want my mommy.” She didn’t say, “I want mommy,” like we both know who mommy is. She said, “I want my mommy,” like “I don’t even know who the hell you are.” Then in case I’m confused, she makes it very clear… “I don’t want you!” Not only that, I don’t even want you on the same floor as me. You need to be a floor below me… “Chubby.” I think she said chubby, I’m not sure. It was late at night. It was under her breath, but I think I heard, “Out of my face, fatty” or something. Kids are just so amazing. Kids have abilities adults don’t have. ‘Cause they can go places mentally, they haven’t been scarred by life. They can just do it. I was at a doctor’s appointment. I had to get a checkup. I’m in the waiting room with my daughter. We’re the only people there. We’re there for, like, 20 minutes. I’m going out of my mind. I am so bored. I went through all the magazines, and I couldn’t take it anymore, you know? She couldn’t have been happier. She was just sitting there smiling. Finally, I was like, “What are you doing?” She said, “The air around my hand tastes like Rice Krispies.” First thing I thought was, “She’s gotta get checked out.” Then I thought, “What a gift that is. The gift to be able to taste Rice…” I gotta tell you honestly the air around my hand right now does not taste like Rice Krispies, but I want that gift. Imagine being stuck in traffic, “This sucks, it’s gonna be two hours. Wait a second. I got chicken cutlet forearms. I totally forgot about my chicken cutlet forearms!” An ability kids don’t have is the ability to wake an adult up gently. They all do it the same way, they walk in very stealth like and stick their face so close to yours you can feel the tiny pulsations of air firing out of their baby nostrils. And they speak at a volume, as if they’ve been in a heated argument with you for the last 25 minutes. “Daddy! Shea’s foot keeps touching my foot!” Okay. After I peel myself off the ceiling, I gotta breathe into a brown paper bag for 20 minutes. Putting kids to sleep is an art form. Do you do it? Are you the one? Mothers are fantastic at it. I don’t know what it is. They’re motherly, that’s what it is. My wife’s so good at it because she wants to be there. That’s the thing. By the way, when she gets there, they feel comfortable. When they feel comfortable, they relax and go to sleep. She’s out of there eight minutes later. Glitter shoots out the door. Everybody’s sleeping. Every once in a while, I’ll get the call like a relief pitcher. “Honey?” “Yeah?” “Can you do me a favor?” “What’s up? Just watching the game. Tied up. 11th.” “Could you put the girls to sleep tonight? Could you do me a favor? “Yeah. You want me to do it?” “Yeah, yeah that’d be nice. Could you, please?” “Um… Yeah, I want to do it. I so want to do it tonight. Should I put them tonight?” “They sleep every night. That’s how it works. Yeah.” “Okay, I’ll do it right now. I’m gonna go.” And we go. But I don’t wanna be there. I’m not thinking how much I love them. I’m thinking how do I get these animals to sleep and get back to the game. But that’s the problem, ’cause when you go in there anxious and plan on being somewhere else and getting out of there, kids are like wolves, they can sense when you don’t want to be there. First of all, they look at you funny ’cause you’re not the regular. They’re just kind of like… I get nervous right away. I feel like a narc wearing a wire. “Nothing. I just want to go to sleep. Who wants to sleep with Daddy?” You just gotta lay there. It’s a waiting game. That’s all it is. It’s who can out-wait the other party. That’s who wins the putting to sleep war. And sometimes you win. Sometimes you wait there long enough, they’ll fall asleep, you go back and watch the game. Other nights, it’s four in the morning. You fell asleep. They’re up putting toothpaste in a light socket. You lost that one. Just chalk it up to a loss. It’s fine. But don’t engage with them. You cannot engage with them ’cause their goal is to stay up forever. That’s what they want to do. They’re very good at it. Professionals. Don’t talk to them, just lay down there and just shut your eyes and don’t talk. Don’t engage with them. They’re gonna be like, “Daddy?” You’re like, “Please, no. No Daddy. We’re going to sleep. Sleep time.” “Daddy, I love you.” “You shut up. You don’t love me.” And when you think they’re asleep, do me a favor, add 25 minutes to let that cement dry, ’cause that is the difference between a rookie and a champion there. Don’t ever peek to check if they’re asleep, ’cause I promise you one of ’em is gonna be standing over you like a velociraptor, just kind of… She will sense the heat in your eyelid as it raises. She will elbow her sister, boom, you just pressed reset and added six hours to your night. And even if you get them to sleep, the dismount from the bed… that is the most crucial move of the evening. You can undo all your hard work with a sloppy dismount because it’s like a human game of pick-up sticks. You gotta move your body parts without moving any of theirs. You gotta get out of the bed. I’m big, so when you roll to one side of the mattress, they come tumbling into the vortex. Everybody’s awake. Starting from scratch, that’s what I’m doing. You do bedtime stories with your kids? I can’t stand them. They’re not like when we were kids. The kids are so young they don’t understand what you’re saying. It’s about spending time with mommy and daddy. That’s all it is. It was quick. It was three pages. Tommy lost a bike. Tommy hopped a fence. He found his bike. Now it’s about these children’s authors, the book is like War and Peace. You gotta read the whole thing. I’m like… They’re not even listening. You ever do a little editing on your own, where you’re just like… If a couple of pages get stuck together, I’m not thumbing them apart. No. Like, the other night, I read them Goldilocks and the Two Bears, we get it. The night before that, it was Horton Thinks He Hears a Who, Turned out to be nothing, good night. Be careful what you say around kids. Kids are like sponges. They may not understand what you’re talking about, but they will take what you said, and they internalize it, and then they throw it back out at you at the most inappropriate time. I was at a little girl’s birthday party with my daughter. Outta nowhere, my daughter just goes, “This cake tastes like beer.” No, no. No. Two thoughts pop in my head immediately. Number one, I have to convince every other parent there I have never, ever, ever given her a taste of beer in her life, and number two, now I gotta try the cake. I gotta give it a shot. The other day I was playing with my daughter. She’s two and a half. She was wrestling with me. She’s on my chest. We were having fun. Then all of a sudden, the action slowed down a little bit. She stopped, and she looked at me, and she sneezed… right in my mouth. And I threw up on her… immediately. Not like a little puke, like I… like a fire hydrant. I knocked her off my chest. It was that fast. It was achoo… The reason I’m telling you this is my wife got mad at me for throwing up on our daughter. She was like, “Why?” “That’s your own flesh and blood, why would you throw up on her?” Why would I throw up? This isn’t me not wanting to finish her tuna sandwich! Mucus that originated in her was launched unbeknownst to me right in my mouth, nothing but net, hit that little punching bag in the back! Why would I? Like I made a choice. Like I was sitting there, she sneezed in my mouth, I had time to think. It’s just not right. “We should take some toys away from her, teach her a lesson. You know what? Check that. I’m gonna throw up on her, hold her legs. You hold her legs. I’m gonna get her. I got nothing. You gotta hold those chunky little legs.” I thought about both our actions, how similar they were with different outcomes, right? It’s so violent, the body reaction, but they’re very similar in a sneeze and throwing up. But a sneeze is so enjoyable, and she did it the right way, too. ‘Cause when you’re young, you don’t think to block a sneeze. That’s how you’re supposed to sneeze. You’re supposed to just let it go. That’s why when we’re home alone, that’s what we do. We get the sneeze feeling. Hey, nobody’s here. You just let it rip and then you watch the pixie dust in the light for 20 seconds. Still can’t feel my legs. This is awesome. This is euphoria. I’m good. Throwing up, man, that’s a different story. Ooh. This was horrible. I took my kids to an amusement park. And we’re there, and I know I can’t do the rides like when I was young. I used to be able to do any ride. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t do it. So I was like, “I have to do something, though. The day’s starting to wrap up, and I gotta get on a ride, ’cause my son hasn’t seen me go on a ride with him at all. We haven’t done anything bonding together.” And I’m like, “I gotta pick one out quick and just be a man. I gotta go on some of these rides.” So I scouted which ones I could do and not get sick. I was like, “Teacups, they’re out for sure. I’ll throw up immediately.” But then I saw the pirate ship. You ever see the pirate ship that goes back and forth? No, no, no. I scouted it. Believe me, it’s only three minutes first of all, and it doesn’t go up all the way around, which I was worried about. I thought it was gonna go over the top. It doesn’t. It’s a very short ride. So I said, “I’ll do it.” And I get my son, “Hey, you wanna go be pirates, man?” He’s like, “Yes, Dad, let’s do it.” So we get on the ship and we buckle in. And we’re like, “Yeah, let’s do it.” Boom. By the time the ride got here, I knew I made a massive miscalculation. And I just said, “Ooh, this is not good. This is not good.” I just knew. You know when you know you’re gonna throw up? You’re like, “No, no, no, no.” I was like, “I can’t do it!” I had to buckle down. I gotta be strong. I can’t. My son will remember this for the rest of his life. He’ll remember the time daddy threw up on the pirate ship. I can’t do it. I gotta be a man. I sucked it up. I care too much about him and his respect of me. By the time the ship got here, I didn’t give a crap about my son. I didn’t care about anybody in the world. The only two people I cared about was me and the kid in front of the red button who could stop this thing. But he’s not looking at me, ’cause he’s looking at his phone, probably on some carnie dating site just swiping. Now I’m really panicked. Then the ship went back one more time. You know when you get that water in the back of your mouth? Kind of like vomit’s way of ringing the doorbell. “Hey… How’s it going? We’re in the neighborhood. We’re gonna be coming by in about a couple minutes or whatever. I don’t know if you have a mint handy in the house. You might want to get a mint ready. There’s a whole bunch of us, too, so you should leave the garage open. We’ll see you. Yeah, we’re coming back. We are coming back. It’s on.” So now I’m panicked. I’m praying that there’s a little girl in front of me. I’m hoping she throws up… so I can piggyback my puke with hers and try to hide it from my son, ’cause my son’s here. I’m a big guy. If I can puke with her and throw it this way or at least blame her. She didn’t puke, but I did. I threw up big… in my mouth… And I swallowed it. ‘Cause that’s what a man does! Take that, lactose intolerance! And that’s what men do. Then we got fake tattoos and got cotton candy after that. So good, all food. I can’t. I get too fat and then I… I lose weight, gain weight and lose it again. That’s why I can’t get a tattoo unless it’s like an accordion. I just can’t pull the trigger. Do we have any tattoo people here today? Yeah, you got? What’s your name? Roscoe. Roscoe? How’s it going, bud? Nice to see ya. How many you have? Three. Three? Give me one, what you get? A Tasmanian devil. You got a Tasmanian devil? Why’d you do that? Just ’cause you liked… You were 19. That says a lot right there. Cool. You got a Tasmanian devil, what else? You got three? A clown in shackles. A clown in shackles… First one’s kinda cute, right? The Tasmanian devil, but then… Roscoe got a clown in shackles. A clown on its own is weird enough. Can you imagine that? They don’t even see that at the tattoo shop very often, but you were like, “We’re almost done, I want shackles on this guy. You never know when he’s getting away. You just gotta keep him down.” What was the purpose of the shackles and the clown? What does that represent? I forget. You forget, good. I don’t know if I’m buying that, Roscoe. You don’t get a clown in shackles unless you’re huffing paint somewhere. Out in Yaphank. I don’t think you’re… You can’t forget something like that. You got shackles and a clown. What happened, man? You were in Maui. Okay. I was a little high. You were a little high. He’s also got a straight jacket. Okay. Now it’s starting to make sense. You could’ve stopped at Maui. I was good. Anybody got more than Roscoe, any more than three? You got a few here? What’s your name? Hi, Selena, give me one of your tattoos. Oh, that’s so sweet. It’s your’s mom’s actual handwriting? You took it from a piece of paper? That’s sweet, that means something, Roscoe clown with shackles! I get that. That makes sense. She wasn’t high in Maui doing crazy meth, you nutjob! Keep going, Selena, you talk. Two what? Two Hello Kitties? All right, you’re off the hook, Roscoe. How many you got? Seven? What’s your name? Billy. Hey, Billy. Nice to see you, bud. You got seven? Give me one of ’em. What did you get? Bill, look at me, man. What the heck is wrong with you? He’s like… You can jump right in. When I finish my sentence, you can pop right in. That’s how conversation works. I feel like I’m talking to somebody in Tel Aviv or something, you know? “How’s it going down there, Billy? Is everything all right?” “Everything is great, Kevin. Thank you.” Give me one of them. What is it? A lion. A lion. You just got a lion? What does the lion represent? What did you get that for? It’s a long story? We got plenty of time. We’re just shooting a special. What is it? You’re a Leo. That wasn’t so long. That was pretty quick. Wow. Okay. So you got a lion. That’s cool. What else? Give me another one, Bill. You got the Grim Reaper. Okay, we’re moving on. We don’t need to talk to Billy all night. Okay, you got the Grim Reaper. You got Jesus, too. Balance it out, yeah, you need that. If you’re gonna get the Grim Reaper, you have to get Jesus. Okay, what else you got? Give me another one. You got some Chinese thing. “I got some Chinese thing.” We could tell it means a lot to you. That’s a fun day at the tattoo shop for Billy, huh? “What do ya got?” I got a lion, got the Grim Reaper, got Jesus… I need a Chinese thing. You got like a Chinese thing? Chinesey, but not. It’s kinda like a thing. Just Chinesey thing, just something. What’s a Chinese thing? What is it? It’s supposed to be “live for today,” but the Grim Reaper fights that. You got it all. You got it all happening on your back, right? Another on the front. What you got there? An Irish thing… Are you Irish? You’re not even Irish. Wow! You just were everywhere, all over. Do you have any tattoos you regret? No, you don’t regret any of them. Good for you. I like that, Billy. At least you own up to it, good. Yeah. You see people who regret them, and I feel horrible. I saw this one guy on the internet, on the inside of his arm, it said, “Never don’t give up.” Oh… I felt so bad for him, ’cause we know what he wanted to say, and he was so close! ‘Cause “don’t give up” works or “never give up” works, but he backed his ass into a double negative. And that’s two stupid people, ’cause you know the tattoo artist could have said something at some point. I just wrote, “Don’t give up.” Want me to put “never” in front of it? Yes, put “never” in front of “don’t give up,” okay? A little less this and a little more… You don’t even have to go to a shop to get a tattoo anymore. You know that? They have a service called Tattoo 2 U, where they will send a van to your house to give you a tattoo. “Yeah, how you doing? Listen, I got like three DUIs. I’m currently under house arrest. I’m pretty hammered right now, but… I need the Tasmanian devil on my left ass cheek immediately. I need a clown in shackles just hanging out around my waist line. Could you guys send a van? I’m in Maui.” You guys are the greatest. God bless you all! Thank you! Good night, New York! ♪ Get up! ♪ ♪ Siege ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪ ♪ And when you hear the sound Of the drum ♪ ♪ We’ll be saying, “Here we come!” ♪ ♪ Yeah, here we come ♪ ♪ Hey, here we come ♪ ♪ Huh! Here we come ♪ ♪ Here we come ♪ ♪ Yeah, here we come ♪ ♪ Hey, here we come ♪ ♪ Hey, here we come ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

KEVIN SMITH: SILENT BUT DEADLY (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-smith-silent-but-deadly-transcript/

Hey, man, I’m Kevin Smith. And moments after we shot the show you’re about to watch, I came into this room downstairs at the theater in Glendale, and had a massive heart attack. They talk about, like, “I killed onstage. I died onstage.” I thought I killed that night, and I came backstage and almost died. So enjoy the special, but know that the guy who is telling jokes for the next hour and stuff is about to face the infinite. And I’m alive to stand here and tell you that I didn’t die. Now, on with the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Smith! Hey! Thank you! Stop. Don’t. Stop, fucking don’t encourage me. Um… thank you all for being here tonight. I had stuff that I wanted to– prepared and what not. But before we go anywhere, I have to share some shit that just literally happened before I got here. If you don’t know me, you’re like, “Oh, he’s ready to do a show.” If you know me, you’re like, “Fuck, he’s more high than I’ve ever seen him in his life.” Right when I was getting ready to leave, my daughter comes in, and she just got her license. So she comes into the room and she’s just like, “Hey, man, can I use your car?” She says to my wife Jennifer, “Let me use your car to go to Target and get my nails done.” And Jennifer was like, “Absolutely not. Oh, my God, no. Like, you’ll crash for sure.” And I saw my moment to jump in and be the good parent and be like, “Let her do it.” You know? Like, she’s gotta try it by herself for the first time. This is the first time she’s gonna drive by herself in the car with a license and stuff. I was like, “Let her do it, man. What’s the worst that could happen?” And my wife was shooting fucking daggers at me. Just like, “You fucking piece of shit.” So… so I was like, “Yeah, man, let’s just let… She can do this. You can handle this, kid.” I said, “Just don’t speed or anything like that. Trust that she’s a good driver. You’ve been in the car with her. She’s not fucking terrible.” And so… Trust that she can do this and stuff. So, you know, I was like, “All right, man. Have fun.” And I stood at the front door and watched her pull away and stuff, which was nerve-racking because she had to do a K-turn and she backed out without even looking and another car was coming down the hill. And they had one of these moments. And you heard skidding and I didn’t know which one it was and shit. Finally, she corrects herself and then there’s a moment where the dude behind her clearly wants to go faster. And my kid, the novice driver, I’m watching this go, “Let him go first. Let him go first.” But she’s my kid, very competitive as well. And I saw my driving in her. All of a sudden, she guns it past this fucking dude down the street. And my wife is like, “Yeah, she’s ready to drive by herself.” So I was like this is fucking nerve-racking, man. And she was like, “You shouldn’t have let her do this.” I was like, “I need a joint.” And so I started smoking. And I was like, “What do we do? Do we chase her down?” She’s like, “No, that doesn’t show any trust whatsoever.” She’s going, “I have Find Friends on my phone. And so I can track her every movement.” And so I was like, “Are you fucking serious? Open that shit up, man! Let’s watch this car wreck in real time.” Like… So we were just sitting at the desk and I’m fucking smoking away, watching the screen on my wife’s phone, watching this dot, like I’m fucking Bill Paxton in Aliens and shit. You know. I’m like, “She’s all over us, man!” ‘Cause every time the dot stops on the map, we’re like, “What’s the fucking story here? Did she get in a fender bender? Is she buying cocaine? What is going on?” Then finally, it pulled into the fucking Target plaza. And I was like, “You gotta fucking text her.” And she’s like, “No, she’ll know we’ve been watching her. You gotta fucking play it cool.” And we’re both sweating fucking bullets, man. And I’ve smoked a joint all the way down to the fucking filter and shit. All of a sudden, the kid calls us on the phone. And she’s like, “I did it! I did it! I did it!” She’s like, “I did it. I didn’t get in an accident.” And we tried to play it cool. We’re like, “Well, big deal. We do that all the time.” Um, it’s weird, man because the kid’s all grown up now. She, like, graduated last year from high school and shit. And that was like the moment my wife had been waiting for, for, like, four years. ‘Cause my wife used to travel with me wherever I went. If I went to make a movie, we’d go, leave the house, and go someplace for a couple months or something like that. We’d pull the kid out of school ’cause she was little. It’s like, what is she gonna fucking learn? ABC’s? Come with us. We’ll show you the real world. You know. You know, I was like, I started traveling by myself. I started doing more and more like standup gigs and live podcasts, and so I used to travel with Jen, and now I just wound up traveling by myself. Because she stayed home for the kid. Like, I was like, “Why aren’t you going anymore?” She’s like, “The kid’s in fucking high school.” Somebody has to stay home to let her in the fucking house, man.” So… I was like, fair enough. So I got used to going out on the road without her. And then the kid graduated and my wife was like going crazy. She was like, “Oh, my God. My fucking… I’m finally getting sprung from this goddamn gilded prison and shit.” I was like, “What are you talking about?” She’s like, “This kid is fucking done. I don’t have to be the bitch mother anymore. Like, I’m tired of playing this role. I don’t wanna wake her up and fucking make her do shit, do your homework. Now she’s fucking done. I’m gonna be done, and I’m getting my life back, motherfucker.” She goes, “Which means I’m taking over your life. What are you…” She’s like, “You’re always fucking going somewhere. I’m going with you wherever you’re fucking going next. Man, you’re always going to some fucking rocking place. What rocking city are you traveling to next?” And I was like, “Spokane, Washington.” And she was just like, “You know what, man? I heard about that shit on Frasier. I’m fucking going with you.” So she came with me to Spokane, Washington. I had two gigs. I was doing a gig at 7:30 and then another gig at like 9:30 or something like that. So we got to the hotel, and I’m not a, like, hotel snob at all. All I care about when it comes to a hotel room, ’cause I see a lot of fucking hotel rooms now, is the balcony. ‘Cause that’s– As a stoner, that’s where I live is on the balcony. So the room could be like a fucking crack den with roaches everywhere and shit. I will tiptoe over human piles of shit, as long as the balcony is wide enough and secluded enough, I’m like, I don’t give a shit. I’ll sleep on the fucking balcony. So… We checked in the hotel, great fucking balcony. Like it was looking over a stream and fucking foliage and shit. It was really pretty. You can see the mountains. So I was like, “I love this fucking balcony.” And she’s like, “When are you coming back?” “I got two shows, so I’ll probably be back at like 11, 12.” She’s like, “I might be sleeping.” I was like, “I’m so glad we traveled together.” And so… and so I went off to do my show. I was so excited because I was like fucking weed legal Washington. I’m gonna get to fucking do a show there. They’re gonna let me fucking smoke weed onstage while I do my show. That is not the case at all, man. They got all sorts of fucking even more rigid laws and shit like that where you can’t do that. So much so that I was at the place between gigs, I told the management, I was like, “Hey, man. So I got like an hour to kill between gigs. I’m gonna go in the green room and make it green. You know what I’m saying?” And he’s like, “No, you’re not, you animal. You do that outside.” I was like, “Fucking liberal Washington.” You know… So I went outside to smoke, but there were people lined up for the next show. I didn’t wanna be like a Walmart greeter at my own show where, you know… I’m like, “Hi, how are you? Welcome. Yes, it is me.” You know. So I was like fuck it, I’ll go back to the hotel. Hotel’s close, it was like literally across the street and shit. So I was like I’ll go back there. And I went back to the hotel room, ’cause I was like I’ll smoke on the balcony. But when I walked in the room, like my wife had set up shop, like in a big, bad way. She had made the place her own. She had, uh, she was on the balcony, she had taken the mattress off the bed and moved it over a chair on the balcony to create this kind of chaise lounge affair. And she was laying on it like the Queen of Sheba, reading a thick-ass book. And she had this big-ass goblet of wine in her hand. And the bottle looked empty. I gauged her to be about four glasses into Spokane at this point. Because she was saying stupid shit like, “I could live here.” You know. I’ve been with the woman 20 years, I know she couldn’t fucking live there, man. So, you know, she said, “What are you doing here?” I was like, “I’m between gigs, man. They wouldn’t let me smoke at the club, so I came here to smoke on the balcony, man, and see you.” And she goes, “Well, Jesus, I’m reading my book, Kevin. I don’t wanna get into a big conversation about your night.” And I was like, “I don’t fucking need to talk to you.” I was like, “I was just with like 200 people who paid me money to hear me talk. So that’s fucking cool. Like, you don’t have… we don’t have to get in a conversation.” She goes, “I know you. After a show, you get home and you’re Mr. Storytime, and you gotta tell all your stories and shit.” I was like, “I have no fucking stories to tell, man.” I was like, “Tell you what, you sit there and fucking drink and read your book, and I’ll stand over here and fucking smoke my weed and we’ll be together alone.” You know. ‘Cause that’s what fucking marriage is. Go. You know. So I just sat there smoking, and she was reading her book. And the problem is when I smoke, that’s when I get chatty. So… So I was standing there, I was like… I was like, “Did I fucking tell you… what happened to me the last time I was on a balcony smoking weed?” And she slams the book closed. She goes, “I knew it, storytime!” I was like, “No, this ain’t– I mean, yes, it’s a story. But it’s not long. It’s very short.” So I’m only reminded because I’m sitting here smoking on the balcony, it’s nice with a view and shit. We’re on the second floor. I said, But last weekend, I was in Arizona, I was in fucking Phoenix. And I was smoking on a balcony, but I was five floors up. And it was a city view, it wasn’t as pretty as this and stuff. And, like, unlike today, I got this great Washington weed, I was in Arizona, I was at the mercy of fucking local weed and stuff. So I was smoking on my balcony, like, “This is nothing. This shit ain’t gonna do anything.” Being a real weed snob about it. And then about halfway through the joint, I was telling my wife, I was like, I started hearing voices, and I was like, “Hey, this shit’s fucking good, man. Like…” I got too judgy about Arizona. And then I looked over the balcony and I saw that five feet down, five floors down, rather, was people on the street talking. There was a gaggle of women, older ladies. And they were talking. And I could hear them. I couldn’t hear what they were enunciating, but I could hear them talking from where I was. And I started getting fucking freaking paranoid. ‘Cause I was like, if I can hear them, can they smell me right now? Like… So I’m looking over and I watch the ladies cross the street, there was a crosswalk, and they’re crossing the street. And at the other side of the crosswalk, there’s a callbox. And at the callbox, a guy in blue. A fucking cop is standing right there. And so my wife’s like, “Get out of here.” I was like, there’s a fucking cop across the street. I’m like, fuck the old ladies, I should be worried about the cop and shit. I said, but I still didn’t put my joint out, man. Like I just sat there, I backed up a foot. And I was like, I’m gonna keep my eye on this cop. So… so I said, so I’m standing there, man, watching, and the ladies cross the street and get to the other side, and I told my wife, I promise you, this is what fucking happened. The cop was facing the other way, I’m on the hotel balcony over across the street. The cops crossing, the ladies also, and he goes… And I was like there’s no fucking way that this guy fucking smells me. I still don’t put the joint out, though, man. I’m watching him, and this is what he fucking does. He goes like this. And he locks on across the street, like where I am in the hotel, and all of a sudden he goes like this. And he’s experienced, this cop, man. He’s like, “Somebody’s smoking on a balcony.” And he’s going balcony by balcony. And I’m fucking frozen. I don’t move. ‘Cause it’s like this reverse Space Invaders game, where he’s getting fucking closer. And I’m at the center of it and stuff. And he’s on the fourth floor, where I’m like, oh, fuck, I’m next! So then he gets up to me and he locks onto me. He goes like this and shit, and he goes, “That!” And I said, my first fucking instinct wasn’t to like drop the joint or fucking, like, run to the airport. I said, my first instinct was to go like this, I went… I said, so the fucking guy goes like this. And then he reaches back. And I’m like, I’m gonna get shot on this balcony. My fucking story ends with getting killed on a balcony in Arizona for smoking local low-grade weed, man. And… which did have a kick to it. So I was sitting there going, what the fuck’s gonna happen next? And he pulls out a phone. Then the dude kind of illuminated the whole fucking thing, all of a sudden he goes, “Silent Bob!” And I was like, “Oh, fuck! He’s a fan, man!” I was so fucking relieved. I was like, “Hi!” And he goes, pointing at his phone, he goes, “I want to take a picture with you!” I was like, “Oh, okay! I’m gonna come right down! Stay there, I’ll take a picture!” So I run inside, I change every fucking piece of clothing I have on. Everything. I take the hotel shampoo, I dab it on my ears and stuff. Just… Get the scent away. And I said, I told my wife, I went downstairs, I said, I met the dude. He was lovely. I said, it wasn’t– It was very kosher, we took pictures together and shit. Chitchatted about the movies and whatnot. I said it was a wonderful experience. I said the PS to the story is he wasn’t a cop. He just had a blue jacket on. And that was it. Now… My wife, God love her, man. We’ve been together, last week, we met 20 years ago last week. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 20 years. -Thank you. Um… Met… met 20 years ago last week. Next month, it’ll be 20 years since the first time we fucked. And that’s the more important anniversary. But we’ve been together for like two decades, man. That’s, you know, it’s just to tell you that her reactions to my stories, it’s not like everybody here, where I’m like, you know, tell that story and everyone’s like, “Oh, very witty, wild.” You know… She’s like, she’s, you know, fucking seen it all, heard it all and shit like that. Like, my wife loves me, I know this. Don’t get me fucking wrong. She would kill anybody that fucking threatened me and cut the jugular and shit. But she is not what I would call by any stretch of the imagination a Kevin Smith fan. Jay and Silent Bob, not her fucking thing or anything like that. She’s like, “I’m glad you do those movies, they let you run around and you get exercise.” Like that’s… Case in point, man, we got this TV show called Comic Book Men, it’s in its seventh season – at this point. Thank you. Thank you. Um, I don’t tell you that to be like, “Seven seasons, look at my big, fat TV dick!” Like… Not at all. It has nothing to do with us. We follow one of the most watched programs on the planet, The Walking Dead. So if anything, it’s fucking Robert Kirkman’s big TV dick, and we just surf on it till midnight. So I only tell you seven seasons ’cause to communicate there’s like 80 some odd episodes of this show that you could watch. And I’m on every one of them. My wife has seen two of the episodes. She saw the pilot episode, we shot it, put it together. I showed it to her. I was like, what do you think? And her review was, “I can’t believe you tricked somebody into paying you to be on TV and talk to your fucking friends.” Which I felt was a very strong review. Um… Then, like, four seasons later, my daughter was on the show. Harley was on the show. So I told my wife, I was like, “You gotta watch an episode now. Something came out of your body’s on the fucking show. So…” So she watched the episode. I was like, “What’d you think?” She goes, “Harley was a vast improvement.” You know. She keeps it very real. The show is on a night that we watch two other programs. Like, in our bedroom. We watch The Walking Dead and then we watch Talking Dead. And at the end of the Talking Dead, there’s a fellow looks strangely like me who will pop up and be like, “Hey! Stick around for more hijinks on Comic Book Men.” And that’s when my wife grabs the remote and goes, “We’re going to bed.” And shuts that shit off. Now I gotta tell you, this is gonna be weird, but I gotta tell you this story to tell you the rest of the story, and at first you’re gonna be all judgy and then I’m gonna tell you something and then you’ll be like, “Oh, that makes sense.” Um, I have a 103-inch television in my bedroom. Uh, that’s not the judgy part. Here it comes. It cost 60 thousand fucking bucks. Crazy, right? I didn’t fucking buy it. I would never pay 60– Now, you can’t be judgy. I would never… I didn’t buy it. It was given to me, man. I would never pay $60,000 for a TV. I wouldn’t pay $60,000 for anything, unless you could live in it, drive it, or it fucking blew you until the day you die. Like, that’s… I got a line and shit like that. No, it was given to us at one point. I had done commercials years ago for Panasonic. And there was a guy named Ed Janda who was, like, the exec at Panasonic who was on set all the time. He loved movies. Sweet fucking dude, man. I’ve known him for years and stuff. One day, he fucking called me. Been to my house many times. He called me out of the blue and he goes, “Hey, man. We’ve got this 103-inch fucking television that we’re gonna throw out, man. And I remember you’ve got big, wide walls and huge ceilings in your house.” And I was like, “What a weird fucking way to start a conversation. What do all these things have to do with each other, man? Is that all our friendship was to you? Square fucking footage?” Like… And he goes, “No, the reason I bring it together is this TV we’re gonna fucking throw out, it’s 103 inches, and, fuck, it won’t fit in many places. But it’ll definitely fit in your house. So if you want it, we’re just gonna give it to you for free. Do you want it?” I was like, “Fuck yeah! Give me all your garbage! Yes! Fuck yes!” I was like, “What’s wrong with it, man? Was it assembled on an ancient Indian burial ground? Is it cursed?” Like… And he goes, “No, they used it for the Olympics. It was for coverage for the Olympics. So it’s not meant for home use. It’s basically big graphics TV where they point to like, ‘This is what happened,’ and shit like that. Problem is it has no speakers. So you’d have to buy speakers.” I was like, “I’ll buy the fucking speakers, man! For a free 103 fuck the speakers. I’ll stand next to it and translate for whoever’s watching!” Like… I was like, “Fuck yes, man.” So he goes, “Okay, man. Make sure you’re gonna be home tomorrow. We can have it delivered.” He’s going, “You gotta clear your street.” And I said, “Why?” He goes, “It comes on an 18-wheeler.” I said, “Really?” And he goes, “Yeah. It takes ten people to deliver it.” And I said, “Why?” And he goes, “The base alone weighs 2,000 pounds.” Oh! -So I was like, “I don’t believe this.” And they showed up the next day with a giant fucking truck, pulled this thing out the back, it looked like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Ten fucking people carrying it, man. They were like, “Where do you want it?” I was like, “Second floor, please.” I felt bad, but I tipped insanely well. So… Brought ’em up to my bedroom. They’re like, “Where’s it go?” I said, “Put it right at the foot of our bed, please.” And my wife is like, “Are you fucking high?” I was like, “Yes, but that has nothing to do with this. This just makes sense.” I was like, “This is where the TV was, look at this big, wide wall. We’ll put the fucking TV right there.” She goes, “Kevin, there’s no room between the bed and the television.” I was like, “Yes, there is. Look.” She’s going, “What the fuck? How are we gonna live like this? How are we gonna sleep?” I was like, “We fucking slept enough, man.” I was like, “Look at this thing. This is our god now.” Like… So if you’re in my bedroom and you’re sitting on the edge of my bed and you’re tying your shoes, you get up, you go, “One, two…” You’re on the fucking TV. So we have this massive TV in my bedroom, and I’ve never seen Comic Book Men on it. So one night, I said that I wanted to watch it. Like, you know, tried to test the waters. And… and so I told my wife, I was like, “Hey, man, um, I wanna watch Comic Book Men on the big TV tonight for the first time. Like, that’s cool, right?” And she goes, “Oh, we don’t watch that show in here.” And I was like, “I know. I know. You know, which is weird ’cause it pays for everything. But whatever. Like… But tonight’s special. It’s the end of the fourth season. We just found out we’re getting picked up for a fifth season. So I wanna like live tweet the show from in here.” Normally, I do it in my office. I watch it on a laptop. I was like, “I’d love to watch it on the big TV. I wanna live tweet, send pictures.” And my wife’s like, “Why do you need pictures?” And I was like, “I don’t wanna tell you ’cause you’re gonna fucking make fun of me and shit.” And she was like, “You have to tell me ’cause I control the television.” So I said, “Okay.” I said, “I’ve never seen my show on the TV, but the TV’s fucking big. It’s taller than me when I stand next to it.” It’s 103 inches wide. But it’s fucking about six… six-three tall from the ground with the base. I was like, “So when you see people on it, they look life-sized. And I’ve always wanted to like watch Comic Book Men, and when I came on the screen, pause it… and then go stand next to myself.” She goes, “Why?” I’m like, “To take a selfie.” You know. And she looked at me with that fucking look of disdain like, “I can’t believe I let you stick your fucking dick in me.” She goes, “No, you watch that in the office.” I was like, “Come on, man. This is fucked up. Don’t you think it’s fucking crazy that we’re fucking this deep into a show that I’m on every episode of and you don’t watch it?” And she goes, “Why would I watch it?” And I was like, “I don’t know, man. Like, ’cause I’m on the show.” And she goes, “Well, it’s not like I’m in the Kevin Smith demographic, now am I?” And I said, “You fuck Kevin Smith! If you’re not in the demographic, it’s in you from time to time!” And she was like, “I could see this really fucking upsets you.” I was like, “I think it’s fucking weird, man. If you were on a TV show, I would have watched every fucking episode and shit. But you don’t watch the show that I’m on.” And she goes, “Jesus, Kevin, if I really wanna see you fucking cry about Batman and wear that jersey, I’ll look to my left.” So that’s a long way of fucking saying that like she’s over my bullshit. Like, you know. This is her idea of hell. Like being forced to sit there and listen to Kevin Smith. Like, she doesn’t understand you people. So, uh… So, you know, when I was on the balcony in Spokane, telling her the story about the balcony in Phoenix, I didn’t expect her to have the reaction you guys had. But she fucking surprised me. As previously mentioned, she was about four glasses into Spokane. So she looks at me with bedroom eyes, and she goes, “You’re cute.” And this never fucking happens. And– but I knew what it was about. And I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. Whenever you tell a story, you wave your hands all around.” She’s like, “It’s cute.” So I fucking look at my time and shit, and I’ve got ten minutes until the next show. And then I look from the balcony to across the street, see what kind of geography I gotta face to get there, and then I start doing the sexual math in my head. And so I was like, “How cute?” And she goes, “Real cute. What do you want?” And I was like, “I don’t know, cute enough to get blown before the next show?” And she goes, “Oh, my God, Kevin, you could never cum that fast.” Which sounds like another fucking criticism, but it’s based on empirical wisdom. This is weird, I gotta tell you. This story– Tell you the rest of this story. And all the other stories are mine, but this is my wife’s story and it’s personal. But like nothing will make sense unless I tell you this. Um, my wife is… I don’t know how else to describe it. She’s the most easily orgasmic human being I’ve ever met in my entire life. Uh, it does not take much. Some people are a lot of work, my wife is not a lot of work. I could be standing across the room, leaning on a wall, and she could be on the other side of the room, on the bed, laying down, wearing, you know, a pair of sweatpants. And all I have to do is go… And by the time the fucking butterfly effect hits her crotch she’s like, “Oh!” It’s crazy. It’s wonderful, man. It’s fantastic. Like, when we first met, that was one of the first things I learned about her and shit. I was like, “Oh, my God! She can cum so fucking easily! I’ll never work again! Like, this… this is nuts.” First time we were ever together, man, like she rolled me on my back at one point, like I was trying to make the moves and shit. And she threw me on my back and got on top. She’s like, “I like it being on top!” I was like, “That’s where you’ll stay for the rest of our lives.” That’s still how we fuck to this day and shit. And unlike anyone else I’ve ever had sex with, she was going buckwild and shit like that. I was like fucking impressed with myself. I was like, “Is this shit me?” She’s like, “Fuck no!” You know. It has nothing to do with me. It’s not like I’m walking around going, “I sling a magic dick.” Not at all. She’s just like– I’m like basically a scratching post and she’s a cat, and she just does shit. You know? And then fucks off and stuff like that. So because I learned early on in the relationship she could crank out a few, multiple orgasms, it had nothing to do with me, again. She just needs a warm body and friction, shit like that. So since she could crank out a few, I was like, “Oh, fuck. I’ll try to hold out for as long as I can.” ‘Cause I get one shot. I don’t get like fucking five nuts to bust and shit. I get one, I’m 47, like one a week. So, like, at the end of the day, man, I try to hold onto it because once it’s over, it’s over. I’m like Luke Skywalker bombing the Death Star. Like… You know. Shit blows up and I take the fuck off. You know? Every once in a while, she’s like, “You wanna fuck again?” Like, five minutes later. I’m like, “Yeah, man. Wednesday, let’s do it. I’ll have built it up again and stuff.” So I try to hold out for as long as I can because she seems to be enjoying herself. ‘Cause she can get a few fucking orgasms done. And when I say hold out as long as I can, mind you, this is literally about four to six minutes. She gets a lot done in that fucking time and whatnot. So, you know, I just hold out until she’s like, “Will you fucking cum already?” You know. And then I’m like, “It’s my special time.” So… So her experience is based on that. I never fucking told her that I could cum real fast. When I’m by myself, I cum like a fucking pro, man. Like, real fucking fast and shit. I’m real good at it. Had years of practice and whatnot. So… so she– when she said, “You could never cum that fast,” this is based on empirical knowledge. But I was like, “Oh, no.” I said, “I know what you’re thinking.” I said, “But I can cum very fast. When I’m by myself, I cum very fucking fast. Like, I swear, if you wanna give it a shot, I could totally pull this off in under five minutes.” And so she fucking takes her glass of wine and she fucking throws it back, she puts the glass down, and she stands and she looks at me and she goes, “Lay down on that bed and pull down your jorts.” Which really should have fucking turned me off, man. Like… but I was like, “Fuck it.” I ran over to the bed and fucking yanked my jorts down and just presented and shit. And there was nothing romantic about it or sexy. She didn’t put on any music or any shit like that. She just got to the fucking bed and like fucking got down and was just like… ‘Cause she’s been through it before. We’ve known each other 20 years we’ve been doing shit to each other and stuff. So she’s like, “I know what this is gonna be. Fucking it’s gonna take him forever.” But she hadn’t met her real husband. You know? And she was about to and shit like that. It was very– it was rote. It wasn’t romantic. It was clinical. It was perfunctory. It was almost like… like the owl in the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial. Like, “How many fucking licks is this gonna take, man?” I was like, “Fucking three, I assure you.” So she went for it, and fucking it was not what she was expecting. And this is the sound that my good lady wife of 19 years, the person I’ve been intimate with for 20 years made when she found out who I really was hitting the back of her throat at 95 miles per hour. This was the sound. It was like I’d fucked Scooby Doo in the mouth or something like that. So she fucking gets up, she runs into the bathroom and I hear her go like… Because she loves me, but not that fucking much. You know… Then she runs back in, she goes, “What the fuck was that?” I was like, “I told you, man. I can cum real fast when I’m by myself, when I’m really putting my mind to it and stuff like that.” She goes, “Jesus Christ, Kevin.” She’s all sad, she goes, “Jesus Christ, Kevin. If I’d have known that you could have cum that fast our entire fucking lives together, I would have blown you every day.” And I was like, “It’s never too late.” So… So we’ve been together like I said fucking 20 years, we’ve been married 19 years, we have a marital contract, of course, but at the end of the day, we just added to it fairly recently. Little paragraph, a subsection that says, um, if I can promise to cum in under five minutes, she’s morally obligated to try to blow me. And we call it the Spokane Amendment. I don’t wanna paint a picture of her as like intolerant. She’s generally a patient woman. Just not with me. But she stood by me. My grandmother always used to say like when I had girlfriends in high school, she was like, “They stood by you when you were fat.” And my wife has stood by me when I’ve been fat. And then a few years ago, I dropped a bunch of weight, man. I saw a documentary called Fed Up. And it was about sugar. And for the first time, like, I guess because they used cartoons, I understood sugar’s eff– Sugar’s effect on the body. And I was like, “Oh, shit. So I should stop eating fucking sugar.” And I did, and I lost like 80 pounds and shit. — So it was a— Thank you. Um… It was— if you could get past the fucking desire for sugar, ’cause it’s very much like a drug, and when you quit it there’s fucking withdrawal period and shit, where I was insanely depressed. For the first time in my life, I was like I couldn’t manufacture a fucking positive thought and shit like that. My wife was like, “That’s because you got rid of your best friend, sugar.” I was like, “What do you mean?” She was like, “Kevin, you used to wake up and do like two fucking fistfuls of popcorn-flavored jelly beans. And then you’d be like, ‘Where’s breakfast?'” You know, so she’s going, “Sugar leaving your food pyramid is really affecting your body. You’re gonna have an adjustment. Like when Jason got off heroin or something like that.” And so she’s right, man. It was fucking hard for two weeks. Like, it was easy once you got past the two weeks and we didn’t think about it anymore. But in those first two weeks, I would have sucked dick for Lucky Charms, man. I missed my good friend, sugar. So as sugar went away, the weight just kind of like fell off and stuff. I didn’t have to do anything. I walked dogs. I walked my dog up the hill. It’s not very far. It’s like a mile and a half up and down and shit. That’s the only exercise I get. I do it in the neighborhood adjacent. Mewes lives down the street from me. We didn’t buy houses near each other. But he bought his house in my fucking neighborhood and shit. Every time we drive past my kids, it’s like, “Aw, it’s so cute that you live near your best friend.” I was like, “He lives near me.” Anyway, Jason comes over sometimes. We walk the dogs together up the hill and stuff like that. And periodically, people drive through the hills, they’re like, “Jay and Silent Bob walk dogs.” So just dropping sugar and fucking walking the dogs like really made the difference and the weight kind of fell off. And at one point, like my underwear started sagging, because I used to wear very big underwear. Like fucking 5XL underwear or something like that. So that shit started sagging because the weight kind of went away. And I— my wife finally took notice of it and was like, “This is fucking shameful.” She’s like, “They just keep falling off your body. And what we’re seeing isn’t any better.” You know, so… she’s like, “You gotta go fucking get some new underwear and stuff. And if you’re gonna do it, don’t buy fucking maroon underwear.” That’s what I would wear all the time. I had this maroon underwear, ’cause, you know, I usually just get my shit at fat guy store. And they don’t give you a lot of fucking choices. Now, they do. Now, they put on like, “Hey, there’s a Batman shirt for you, fat guy.” But generally speaking, back in the day, it was like “big dog” and shit like that. Very generic but very “I am overweight.” So I would get my underwear at the fat guy store and shit and they didn’t have much of a selection. It was always like tighty-whiteys, that’s what I wear and stuff. I don’t wear— the crimefighters, Jason calls them. Um, I don’t— I don’t wear boxers, just tighty-whiteys. And so one time I went in to the fucking fat guy store and they had, next to the tighty-whiteys, the mot beautiful thing I’d ever seen: underwear that was colored and it was maroon. And I was like, “Oh, my God! I’m gonna look like Superman wearing this shit.” You know? So I took it home and it was a three-pack and shit. And I showed my wife. I was like, “Look, man.” I was like, “You say I never change anything and shit. But I went and bought new underwear.” And she goes, “Maroon?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She goes, “Why?” And I was like, “I’m expressing my individuality.” You know? And she goes, “Oh, my God. Take these back.” And I was like, “Fucking why?” She was like, “Maroon underwear, Kevin? I get a vote in this. I’m the only one that sees your fucking underwear.” You know. I was like, “All right.” So I went back to the fat guy store. I bought 12 more pair. Fuck her. So… And every time we would get intimate and shit, she’s like open up my drawer and be like, “Ugh! Maroon!” You know? It was a hurdle to get through and shit. So she was saying, “If you’re gonna get new underwear, don’t fucking get maroon.” I was like, “Maroon forever,” and shit. So I was out on the road. Where was I? I was in Kansas City. And so I had a little time down between gigs and whatnot. So I was like, I’m gonna go out shopping. And I asked them at the front desk, I was like, “Hey, man, where do you got– where do you got like the fat guy store?” They’re like, “Oh, you want to go to the low-end strip mall.” I was like, “Brother, I live at the low-end strip mall, man.” And I took a car there. I walked in and I was looking for my maroons. And I found them. And then I saw the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in a fat guy store: a pair of black underwear. And I was like, “Oh! I’m gonna look like Batman!” You know, and I fucking… So I bought it and I took it back to the hotel room and stuff like that. I was happy with my fucking purchase. And so, you know, I thought of my wife and I was just like, “Oh, fuck. I’m gonna tell her.” And I said, “Hey, man. Guess what I did today?” You know, I was texting her. She’s like, “What?” I was like, “I went underwear shopping.” And she goes, “Oh, great. More maroon.” And I said, “No, not maroon.” And she goes, “What color?” And I wrote, “Black!” A lot of exclamation points and stuff. And she sent emojis of surprise and… And she goes, “Send me a picture.” And so I saw my opening. So I was like, “You send me a picture, man.” And she was like, “What of?” And I was like, “You know.” And she was like, “You fucking pig.” But we’ve been married for a while, so fucking three minutes later a picture came through and shit like that. And so it was a angle of my wife’s vagina, and this is weird to say because, again, we’ve been together 20 years and we’ve had fucking sex any way you can have sex. But it was an angle of her vagina that I’d never seen before. And I was like, “Oh, my God! It’s like a stranger’s pussy.” You know? And fucking… So instantly I forgot the conversation, took it right to the sink and started tugging one out, looking right at it and shit. So I got finished and then I wanted to get in the shower ’cause I was sticky. And so… Took my black underwear out of the pack. I laid them out on the fucking blanket, there’s like a white blanket on the bed. So it really popped hard and shit. And so I took a picture and I wrote back, “Yes, bitch.” I said, “Doesn’t this make you wet, motherfucker?” And I fucking hit send and shit like that, man. And I hadn’t fucking realized that my wife was not the last person that had sent me a text. While I was in the shower, somebody else had texted me and broken the conversation with me and my wife and fucking the very shocked recipient of my underwear text sent back a one-word response: “Dad?” So some shit goes well beyond a response text, you know. I immediately fucking called her up and I was like, “Oh, my God, kiddo. You know that fucking text was not meant for you. It was meant for your mother. And by the way, no man should ever talk to a lady like that.” I was fucking mortified, man. I was like, “Oh, my God. Are you okay?” And she goes, “You know I’m gonna need a lot of therapy, right?” I was like, “Yeah, but fucking go ahead, we got the money. Go ahead.” I said, “But you gotta admit, man, like, you know, it’s not the way you wanna find out, but isn’t it kinda nice to know that your parents, after all that time, are like into one another, to send each other texts like that?” I was looking for any silver lining and shit in the conversation. And she goes, “I was just happy to see you’ve moved away from maroon, Dad.” Uh, I just back from Vancouver. I was up in Vancouver. I directed my third episode of The Flash. It was fun. It was awesome, man. I go up there, like, you know, in TV they don’t really need a director in episodic TV. Cast and crew make that show every week. If you ever look at the credits of your favorite shows, the director’s the only name that really changes and stuff. That’s how fucking replaceable the director really is. So the cast and crew makes your favorite show every week. The director shows up and is nominally in charge. But you can’t really change shit about it, man. Like you can’t really walk in, I couldn’t walk into Flash and be like, “We’re changing the look of Flash this week. It’s all one shot, back and white. Clerks.” Like that’s… So it’s weird, when I show up I find myself at a loss. It’s not like when I direct a movie, I’m involved in every aspect. But on TV, I’m not really. I’m kind of a bystander who gets to say “action” and “cut.” But as a fan of the show, it’s fun ’cause you get to watch that shit get made. And I sit in on all the big meetings and stuff like that. And I watch very talented people who do this every fucking week sit around, talk to each other, how they’re gonna plan this shit. “How are we gonna make her fly? How are we gonna do this shit and whatnot?” And then periodically, they remember I’m there and they look over at me and they go, “What do you think, Kev?” I’m like, “I think that sounds awesome!” You know. And they’re like, “Okay, big guy.” You know. And they go back to making the fucking show and stuff like that. So it’s been nice, it’s been a nice thing to do, to go up there. As a fan of the show, I get to watch stuff get done. And so, it first started happening I think when I was doing Supergirl. Um, we were– we were doing some– setting up some fucking big sequence at this pool. Uh, the giant, like, a community pool. And it was a big wide shot and whatnot. We’re doing it like when the pool is closed so it’s like two in the morning. It’s real late. So, you know, people are run down, we’ve had our “lunch.” Which was at midnight or whatever. But people are getting tired because it’s late and it’s cold. So, you know, I was like, “Fuck man. I’m gonna get– I’m gonna go get some burgers for my crew.” For the people on camera and stuff like that. ‘Cause they’re the ones that gotta be up and sharp. So I was talking to the first AD, he was like new on the show, first time I’d ever met him and stuff. And I was like, “Hey, man. I was thinking about– how long do you think this is gonna take?” He’s like, “I think we’re gonna be ready to go in five minutes.” “Hey, I’m gonna go grab some fucking burgers, man. Can you watch this?” And he goes, “What do you mean, watch this?” I was like, “Well, if you guys are ready, just start shooting without me.” He goes, “What an interesting way to direct a show by not being there at all.” I was like, “I know, but you guys do this shit every week without me. Let’s be real. And it’s a big wide shot, performance– we’re just doing it for the wide. It’s the performance– I’ll be back for that and shit. You got this, right?” He’s like, “Sure, man. Go ahead.” And so I fucking got in the car and I left set and I drove down the road to– In Canada, they got an A&W place. They do A&W burgers and root beer and shit. And it’s– they’re amazing. It’s my favorite burger on the fucking planet. So they’re open 24 hours. And they’re like literally across the street from where we were shooting. So I rolled up on A&W at two in the morning. And I pull up to the box and shit. And they’re like, “A&W, can I help you?” It’s one guy. And I said, “Uh, hi. Let me get 20 Buddy Burgers, man.” And the guy goes, “Yeah, right.” I was like, “No, I’m serious. 20 Buddy Burgers.” And he goes, “Pull up to the window so I can confirm your method of payment.” I said, “Okay, fair enough.” And I went up to fucking next window and shit like that. And he opened his window, I rolled mine down, and he goes, “Oh, it’s you. Well, that makes sense.” I was like, “What the fuck’s that mean, man?” He’s like, “That’s a lot of burgers. And I heard you were in town.” I was like, “I– they’re not for me.” He was like, “I don’t need to ask any questions.” I was like, “I’m getting them for the people on Supergirl.” He’s like, “I’m sure you are.” I go, “20 burgers, man. How long is that supposed to take? ‘Cause I’m supposed to be back in five minutes.” He goes, “20 burgers usually take about 20 minutes. But like if you will take a selfie with me, I’ll do it in ten.” I was like, “If you’ll do it in ten, I’ll fucking blow you, man.” And he goes, “The selfie will be fine, Mr. Smith.” So I said, “Fantastic.” So I waited by the side, he cooked up fucking 20 burgers and shit. Came out with two big bags, gave them to me. He’s like, “Thanks.” We took a selfie and shit. Off I went, back to the place. I was like, “Yay, burgers!” And I started giving out burgers and shit. And soon the burgers were fucking gone. And I was like, “Oh, fuck. I didn’t get enough.” I said, “If I do this again, I gotta get more.” Some crew members were like, “Where’s the burgers?” I was like, “Oh, they ate them all.” They’re like, “Fucking A.” And walked away. So I was like, “Fuck man. Let me see if I can fucking get some burgers going and shit like that tomorrow.” So next day, we were shooting late again. Like it was one in the morning and stuff. And so, you know, I was bored again on set at a certain point, everybody’s working. I don’t really have anything to do. So I was like, maybe I’ll go get ’em some fucking burgers, man. I’ll roll up on the burger joint again. It’s right across the street. So I pull up and I hear, uh, “Welcome to A&W. Can I help you?” I said, “Hey. Let me get 40 Buddy Burgers.” And the guy, it’s not the guy from the other night. He goes, “What, are you high?” “No, no, no.” I was like, “I– no. I do want this.” And he goes, “Please drive up to the next window to confirm your method of payment.” You know. So I drive up to the window, he opens his up and mine, he goes, “Oh, I heard about you. I get it now.” I said, “What do you mean?” He’s going, “You were here last night.” I said, “That’s right. I ordered 20 burgers.” He’s like, “Yeah. The guy last night, he’s a big fan and stuff. He’s been showing everybody the picture.” I was like, “Right on.” I said, “Well, I’m back for more.” He goes, “What do you want?” I said, “Can I get 40 Buddy Burgers, man?” He goes, “Okay. Give me your credit card.” I showed him. He’s like, “All right.” I said, “How long is that gonna take?” He’s like, “40 burgers, 40 minutes.” I was like, “Oh, well, the guy yesterday, man, he said 20 burgers takes 20 minutes. But he did it in ten and shit.” And he goes, “That’s ’cause the other guy’s a big fan.” Understood, captain. You know… So I went and waited. 40 minutes later, man, they brought out my fucking Buddy Burgers. Big bags and shit like that. I said thank you. I went back to work and shit. I was like, “Hey! Fucking burgers for everybody!” Everyone’s like happy to get them. It’s crazy, man. It’s really sweet. Like, it’s… I don’t know why, they’re like, “Oh, my God. This is nice.” And I’m like, “It’s $1.99 burger.” I tell them all. I’m like, look, man, I’m gonna go home and they’re gonna give me so much fucking credit for directing this episode. We all know I didn’t do shit. The least thing I could do is buy you a fucking burger. And McCloud, the AD, is like, “Fucking A.” You know. So it was great. Like people, it really cheers people up and shit like that. It’s perfect walking around food. When you’re done, you just throw the paper out and shit like that. But I ran out of burgers, 40 wasn’t enough. There was still some people that didn’t get any. I was like, “Fuck! Next time I gotta go fucking higher and shit.” So we had one more night of night shoots and shit. So it’s about two in the morning and at one point, I rolled up to McCloud, the AD, and I was like, “Hey, McCloud.” He goes, “Go ahead. Just get me three burgers.” You know. I was like, “Will do, man.” So I got in the car, and I went back to fucking A&W and shit. And I pull up to the box and I was like, “Hi, man. I’m– let me get 70 Mama Burgers, please.” And the guy goes, “Right away, Mr. Smith.” I’d built something of a reputation of sorts and stuff. So, you know, I was like, “Oh, fuck. This is great.” I said, “You know what? I’m gonna go deeper tonight.” I said, “70 Mama Burgers. Let me get like 40 French fries as well.” And he goes, “Okay.” I said, “20 onion rings.” He goes, “Right on.” And I’m looking at the menu board, like I’ve been going to A&W three nights in a row. And since I stay away from sugar, I’ve been trying not to succumb to the temptation because like I love root beer. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I love sugar. I love sugar on anything. You put it on dog shit, I’m like this is the best. But root beer is one of my favorites. And they market it so well. Like the orange and brown just like makes you salivate and shit, like a Pavlovian response. And all these days and nights I’ve been able to not fucking get a root beer. But I’m like, it’s fucking two in the morning, man. And like you’re buying everyone these burgers. And like it’s like your mom said: you’re a good boy. You know? Like… You fucking– you deserve a treat, man. Why don’t you get yourself a fucking root beer, champ. You know. And I was like, “Let me add to that, man. I wanna add one small diet root beer.” And he starts laughing, the guy in the ordering box. I said, “What’s the matter?” He goes, “Look at the screen.” And I looked at the screen, it said 70 Mama Burgers, 40 French fries, 20 onion rings, one small diet root beer.” He goes, “That looks like the worst diet ever attempted.” He goes, “I’m totally Instagramming that.” So I pull up to the fucking window and shit, give him my credit card, it’s my friend from the first night and shit, the guy I took pictures with. I was like, “Hey, man. It’s you.” He’s like, “Mr. Smith, I gotta tell you.” I said, “Look, first off, Mr. Smith is my father. Just call me Kevin.” He goes, “Kevin, I gotta tell you, I’ve been telling my manager that you’ve been coming every night and that you’ve been buying these burgers. And my manager asked me to ask you if you wanna give us one of your jerseys, we’ll hang it up here in the A&W.” And I was like, “Are you telling me you wanna raise my fucking jersey to the rafters of an A&W Root Beer?” I was like, “That’s the highest honor a non-Canadian can receive.” So, um, so I found my place, like that’s what I do. I bring shit. I bring food for people, I bring toys for the actors. That’s how I do the actors and shit like that. I learned that when I was on Supergirl at one point. I had like a break, lunch break, and rather than sit around and eat lunch, like I smoked lunch. And then we were near a Toys ‘R’ Us, so I went stoner shopping and stuff like that. And, you know, I had a basket so I kept throwing in shit. Everything under five bucks, little trinkets and shit like that. And so I bought like a book of stickers, puffy animal stickers. We went back to shoot a scene with Chyler, who plays Supergirl’s sister, Alex, and with Melissa, who plays Supergirl. And so we were about to rehearse, do a blocking rehearsal, and I had one of the puffy stickers, I had it on my finger and I walked up to the two ladies and I was like, “Ladies, you see this puffy dog sticker? Whoever wins this scene wins the sticker.” It was adorable. Chyler goes, “You’re going down, bitch.” You know, fucking… And they did, they fucking out-acted each other, like wizards fighting and shit like that. All for the puffy sticker. And at the end, I was like you both get a puffy sticker. And Chyler was like, “That wasn’t the rule.” You know. But how I direct is I bring food for everybody and give them toys and shit. I’m more of like a craft service person, you know. Or a candy man than anything else. Um, I love doing this sort of thing. And there’s always people that will come up to me after the show, say very nice things. Uh, very cool things about like, “Oh, my God. It’s so… you’re so talented.” That’s the one that really fucking bugs me and shit like that. Me– and not because I’m irritated by it. But when you say shit like “talent,” it makes people go like, “Oh, you’re special and this person’s not.” I don’t agree with that. I don’t really do anything that requires talent. I just kind of chase my dreams. Anything I wanna try, I give a shot to and stuff. Before I get out of the show, I always like to remind people, like, you can do that too. Like, at the end of the day, this doesn’t require fucking talent. Invariably, somebody will say to me, before the night is over, “Oh, my God. It’s so talented how you can stand up there and talk for so long.” And I’m like, “That doesn’t take talent to talk and tell stories about my life. That just takes a memory. Like that’s… that’s it. That doesn’t require talent.” My day job doesn’t even take talent. You think it takes talent to stand on a movie set and wear a backwards baseball cap and a trench coat and say nothing? That’s the exact opposite of fucking talent, man. I said I’ll take it one step further. It doesn’t take talent at all to work in the movie business. You think it takes fucking talent to stand on a movie set and be like, “I’m Batman.” Ben Affleck does it, so I know it don’t take fucking talent. Don’t let people use like a word like that to put shit between you and something you wanna try. This doesn’t take talent. It doesn’t take talent to talk about your fucking life. Over the course of your life, you’ve listened to people talk on the radio, or seen people talk on TV, and you’ve said to yourself or thought to yourself, “I’m smarter than these people. I’m funnier than this person.” You’re probably thinking that shit right now. And you’re probably right, man, but nobody’s gonna know unless you kinda go out there and express yourself in some way, shape or form. Share of yourself. Now, some people don’t want to ’cause they’re afraid that it might not work and shit like that. Like, “Oh, what if I fail?” But there is no such thing as fucking failure. Failure is just success training. I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it’s fucking true. Like, nobody ever fucking gets something right on the first try and shit. Don’t be afraid of failure. Don’t let that keep you from trying something that you might wanna try and stuff like that. Rather fail spectacularly than live your life wondering, like, “I wonder if that shit would have worked out.” That’s how I’ve just kind of conducted myself for the last like 20, 25 years. And it’s led on this weird fucking journey. So the cats who come out and support me and see the shows and stuff, I always wanna try to give something back at the end of the day. Like you’ve given me so much. You’ve given me a way to not have to fucking work for a living. So like, you know, I always wanna try to give back. I could give the money back, but fuck that. So like… the least I could give back is I know there are people in the audience that are like, “I kinda wanna do what you do.” And you absolutely fucking can. I’m gonna tell you something that maybe like you don’t hear that much anymore, ’cause you’re adults and shit, and it’s our job to say this to younger people and shit. But this is the truest sentiment a stranger’s gonna fucking tell you this week, so fucking get ready. You are smart and good. You’re all fucking talented. You all have something amazing to fucking say. -So… find a way… Find a way to fucking share that. I– I’ve, like, I’m 47 years old. And I’m still trying to figure out who the fuck I am. So before you leave this world, figure out who you are at your core, man. I have, as I mentioned at the beginning of the show, a kid, like so I guess at my core, ultimately, I’m a fucking dad. So I do dad-type things and I wanna share this fucking last thing with you. Uh, my kid and I text. This is a text exchange we had about her boyfriend, Cory. She’s got this boyfriend, Cory, man. He’s a great fucking kid. I know you’re supposed to be like, “Hey, man. He’s dating my daughter and that makes me mad.” Not at all. They’ve been dating for five years, they met like freshman year, and when they were dating for four days, man, I watched and met the dude and shit, and I told my daughter, “Marry this boy tomorrow.” You know. And my wife is like, “You fucking stoned? They’re 14.” I was like, “It worked for Coalminer’s Daughter. Let them get married!” So I him, I’m a Cory booster, man. I’m always like, “You’ll never find a guy like this. He literally gives a shit about everything you say. He’s always hanging on your every word. He’s like Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything and shit. Not every guy is like this. Most guys are like Uncle Jay. So like… I said stick with this fucking guy. So she did all through high school and stuff. And senior year, like I said, she just graduated, she got to go to two proms, her prom at her school and Cory went to a different school. So they went to her prom first, then they went to Cory’s prom. And I was out on the road doing a gig. And this is the fucking text I got from my kid on prom night. She goes, “Dad! SOS.” I’m freaked out ’cause I’m someplace else in the country. And I’m like, “Oh, my God! Are you okay?” And she goes, “No! Cory’s bowtie broke. Where do you keep your spare bowties?” I said, “Kiddo, I don’t have a bowtie, let alone spares.” And she wrote, she has the temerity to write, “Seriously?” And I’m like, “I wear the same fucking outfit every day.” I said, “You ever see me wear a bowtie with a hockey jersey?” And she goes, “What about when you got married?” And I said, “I was wearing a hoodie and a Jay and Silent Bob shirt.” And she goes, “Ew! You’re so fucking lucky Mom married you.” And I said… I said, “Why? Because I wasn’t wearing a bowtie?” And she goes, “No, because you wore a Jay and Silent Bob shirt to your own wedding.” And she wrote, “Duh! Look at me! I’m Silent Bob!” Ladies and gentlemen, you have a good time this evening? I cannot thank you enough for coming out, man! Thanks for listening to me bullshit! Make sure you go out and bullshit before you leave this world! I love you all, good night! This is the room where I almost died. Look at this. Could you imagine if this was your death room? The last thing you saw was this? I could not get comfortable to save my life. That’s ’cause I was dying. Kids, when you’re dying, very tough to get comfortable. Basically, three hours prior to this moment, I’d smoked a joint, so I was calm. I never got scared and stuff. They told me later on, the doctor was like, “You were so calm.” And I said, “I was blazed, man. I smoked.” He goes, “That saved your life.” I said, “Smoking weed saved my life? Can you– I’m gonna put that on a fucking shirt and on a bumper sticker and stuff like that.”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

MICHAEL MCINTYRE: HELLO WEMBLEY! (2009) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-mcintyre-hello-wembley-transcript/

(INAUDIBLE) ANNOUNCER: Wembley, please welcome Michael Mclntyre. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) McINTYRE: Good evening. (WHOOPING) Hello, Wembley! (LAUGHING) Ah, good. And how are you? Good evening. Welcome. Welcome to my show. It’s Saturday night! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Now, obviously, there would’ve been various different reactions to your seats tonight. People at the back, thank you so much for being here tonight. (LAUGHING) They’re miles away! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) To a man, most of those people have sat down and gone, “These are shit seats. They’re shit seats. “We probably should’ve just bought the DVD. “It would be better just watching TV. “Is that even him? I mean, it might not even be him. “They could’ve just got any camp, Chinese man to run around. “For all I know, that’s Gok Wan.” (LAUGHING) So, Wembley, my local gig – I’ve just come down the North Circular to be here. Strange road, the North Circular. People live on it. There are houses on the North Circular. Who lives on a dual carriageway? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You never see anybody leaving their drive or entering their drive. I think if you move in, you die there because you can’t get out. You have to go 40 miles an hour to exit your driveway. Can you imagine the tension every morning of your life? (BREATHING HEAVILY) No, no! No, no. Now, go! You have to hope for traffic, then you can go out for the day. “Fantastic news, darling – gridlock. Let’s go out for lunch.” I’m pretty pleased these gigs are going ahead, ’cause it’s been quite a tense few months. We put these gigs on sale, and then swine flu started to get really bad and nasty. And I thought it’s over, it’s not gonna happen. No one’s gonna come. And if they come, everyone’s going to be sitting there with masks and gloves on. Don’t you think it’s slightly ironic that Michael Jackson dies just as his look comes into fashion? I don’t trust anybody. I don’t trust… When people sneeze now, I no longer say, “Bless you.” I say, “Fuck you.” (MIMICS SNEEZE) “Fuck you!” I think on a run of sneezes I get more and more irate. ‘Cause you normally get more surprised when… (MIMICS SNEEZE) “Bless you.” (MIMICS SNEEZE) “Bless you.” (MIMICS SNEEZE) “Bless you.” (MIMICS SNEEZE) “Bless you.” I just get more pissed off. “Fuck you!” Wash your hands, that’s what they tell you to do. Keep washing your hands. ‘Cause this is how you transfer the virus, from hand to hand. Why don’t they just ban hand-shaking? If people weren’t hand-shaking, you wouldn’t transfer the virus. When people come over to me and go, “Nice to meet you”, all I see is a trotter, just… I’m like, “Yeah, whatever.” I’ll keep antibacterial gel in my hand, just waiting. When somebody goes, “Nice to meet you.” “And you.” (EXCLAIMS) ‘Cause in some cultures they don’t shake hands, and I could use this, you know, to my benefit, ’cause I can shift culture at any given moment, ’cause when I smile, I look like a fat Chinese man. So when people come over and go, “Nice to meet you”, I can just go… (IN CHINESE ACCENT) “Nice to meet you. “Nice to meet you.” “Oh, right, you’re Chinese. Sorry, yes. Nice to meet you.” (MIMICS SNEEZE) “Fuck wu!” The best thing about being here at Wembley is it’s my local gig. I can go home at night. I can go home, I can… I can go home and see my family. See my boys, Lucas and Oscar. Quite middle class, let’s not lie about that. When I go to the park and I call Lucas – “Lucas!” – about three boys will normally go, “Yes, Daddy?” “Papa?” “Father, you called?” The other day I said, “Oscar”, and three dogs ran over. How awkward is that? “You named your child what I named my dog?” “I did. I didn’t know.” He’s got no manners, the four-year-old. I mean, it’s ’cause I have to teach him manners, but you know what kids are like. He knows how to speak now, he just doesn’t know how to speak properly. He finishes off his lunch and he just goes, “Ice cream! “I want ice cream now!” “What do you say?” “Ice cream!” “What do you say?” “Give me ice cream!” (STERNLY) “What do you say?” “Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!” This goes on for about 15 minutes before he goes, “Please!” And then you have to give him the ice cream because he said please. And it’s slightly confusing, and I think he thinks you have to shout about something for 15 minutes and then say please, and then you get it. And I need to nip that in the bud as a parent. Otherwise he’s going for his first date at 18, finishing up dinner, going, “Sex! “I want sex now! “Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! “Give me sex! “Please!” My other boy, he’s one. I had a little bit of an incident with him the other day when I was playing the Nintendo Wii – which I’m particularly good at, by the way. I would challenge any of you to Grand Slam Tennis. I’m amazing at it, phenomenal. I got it ’cause it’s for the calorie-burning. People said it’s quite good for losing weight. And the first few times I played it, you know, I had the headband on, you know, and my shorts on, I’m running around the living room. (EXCLAIMS) And you do burn calories, ’cause you’re running, playing tennis. In your living room. But after a while you realise, you’re just as good, if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger. If there’s an area of my body that doesn’t require a workout, it’s going to be the wrist area, if I’m brutally honest with you. This is a muscle I’ve been training quite religiously now for some years. It’s amazing how many sports do just use the wrists. Darts, and badminton, snooker – although I can’t play snooker any more. Ever since somebody told me it’s like tossing off a man behind you, sort of… Sort of put me off that particular sport. So I’m playing on the Wii, right. I’m playing Roger Federer. It’s the French Open, we’re on clay. Semifinal. We’re involved in this massive sort of baseline rally… And it is me, as well, ’cause you play as yourself, you can create your own face on the Wii, which is quite depressing ’cause you realise how unattractive you are when you go through the options. Face: “Wider, wider, paler, more pale… “Download more pale. Eyes, more slanty. “Darling, why are you married to me?” “I’ve no idea. You’re that ugly.” “Am I really?” So, it’s basically Roger Federer against some kind of obese Michael Chang at the French Open. (GRUNTS) I’m actually grunting through my shots. (GRUNTING) I do tend to grunt. I’m, in most sports, that unfit, even chess. (GRUNTING) So this rally’s going on, I’m sweating, I’m off the sofa now. I’m really getting into it. Federer plays this sublime drop shot. I charge across the living room, and smack it down the line for a winner. And then celebrate my break of serve. “Come on!” Unfortunately, my one-year-old, Oscar, had walked into the room at this very moment with love and adoration in his eyes, as only a boy has for his father. And up until this point I’ve been very good to him. He ran into the room, “Hello, Dada.” I then hurtled towards him with venom in my eyes, and smacked him in the face. The poor boy knows nothing of the Nintendo Wii. He thinks I’ve just completely turned on him. I’ve picked up some kind of white brick, rolled towards him, smacked him in the face and then celebrated. “Come on!” “Shit! Something’s happened to Oscar.” My other son saw it. “You just hit Ozzy in the face!” “Do not tell your mother.” “I’m telling Mummy.” “Do not tell your mother!” “I’m telling Mummy.” “Do not tell your mother!” (CHEEKILY) “I’m telling Mummy.” “Please!” “Okay, I won’t tell Mummy. I want ice cream.” “Whatever the fuck you want!” The poor kid, now every time I pick up the Wii, he shits himself. I’ve had to put it in the cupboard. My wife got it out the other day. “Shall we play on this?” (CRYING) “No, Dada, no!” We’re having trouble potty-training him. “Do you need a Wii?” (MIMICS CRYING) I’m into all technology. I’m particularly enjoying Sky Plus at the moment. You can pause live TV. Pause it. And it’s a good pause, as well, the perfect… Everything you want from pause. Not like the old 1980s VHS pause – that was a very different story. People who weren’t even moving would start moving. “I wasn’t even moving in this scene.” People in paintings. “What the fuck is going on?” Then you can watch it back at any speed. Times two, times six, times 12, times 30. I watch the football in times six – it really whizzes along. Deal or No Deal on times 30 is much more entertaining. I watch all TV, even just to slag it off. Dragons’ Den. How arrogant are those men? And woman. We know you’re rich, you don’t need to bring cash with you. They bring cash and put it on the table in front of them. “Look how loaded I am. I brought all this cash. “All my bank accounts are full, so I’ve had to bring additional cash with me.” “Have you got cash, Theo Paphitis?” “Oh, yes. I’m as rich as you are. “That’s why my table is filled with cash just like you. “What about you, other two dragons?” “Oh, yes, we’ve got lots of cash. “Tables full of cash. We’re totally loaded.” “All right, bring in the first poor person.” They come in trembling. (MIMICS TREMBLING VOICE) “Hello. Hello, dragons. “Please, please can I have some cash “for the ideas in my brain?” “I feel sick just looking at the poor person’s face. “You disgust me. Everything about your being, and your clothes are hideous. “For that reason, I’m out. “Are you out, Theo Paphitis?” “Oh, I will be out, but first I’m going to humiliate the poor person for 15 minutes, “and confuse her with mathematics, “before declaring that I am out, too.” I’d like to go on Dragons’ Den with a shotgun. I’d just like to go there, point at each of them individually, until one of them goes, “So, what’s your idea?” “Quite simple. Put that cash in this bag. Okay? “You get no equity.” I like some TV. I like watching people getting their exam results live a few weeks ago on GMTV. How exciting was that! “We’re going to go live now to a school “where someone’s opening their results live on TV.” (GASPING) “Darling, it’s going to be live on TV.” They come out of school with an envelope, trembling. We all edge closer to the TV, thinking exactly the same thing: Fail. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’ll watch TV till the bitter end. Literally to like the early hours of the morning, till the signing zone, the deaf zone. That’s when you feel it’s probably time for bed. When there’s somebody in the corner… signing. You tend to think, “This isn’t really for me, maybe.” They almost look at you like, “You shouldn’t be… This isn’t for you, is it?” “Probably should have watched this in the day, when it was on the first time. “Why don’t you go and dream – in sound. You can do that, others can’t. “Have some respect for the sign zone.” I like it when there’s no dialogue in the programme and they watch TV with you. (INAUDIBLE) How can they even see it? Is that how they watch TV at home? Tough day at work? Stand directly next to the TV. I don’t know, by the way, if I am signing. I don’t speak sign language. If I want… This is more how I dance. It explains, when I used to go clubbing and all the deaf people would go, “How fucking dare you?” “What’s his problem? What a weirdo!” I watched The Blue Planet, the other day on the signing zone. This is the show where David Attenborough discovered creatures from the deep for the very first time on the show, and named them, ’cause they’d never been discovered before. So he was like, “Here we have the newly-discovered dypalotodicus.” And the signing guy was like… (INAUDIBLE) He resorted to impersonating the fish. It was hilarious. There was a fish swimming on the TV and he was just underneath going… I saw a Prime Minister’s Questions on it once. And it seemed like the signing guy had his own political agenda. Gordon Brown was going, “We must fight the credit crisis head on.” The guy in the corner was… So I’ll be here all week, which is quite exciting. But the thing that really annoys me, having these massive screens, is that I can’t see what you see. I can’t… I have no idea what I actually look like in the screen. It’s extremely frustrating. That’s the back of my head, incidentally. That’s what I look like from the back. It’s very… It’s very rare that you ever see what you look like from the back. You only ever see the back of your head at the end of a haircut. That’s the only time most people see the back of their head. And let’s be honest, we genuinely don’t give a shit. People care greatly what they look like from the front, from the back, not interested. Especially men. It’s a very awkward moment for a man at the end of a haircut, when we’re presented with the back of our head. And they look at you for approval. “Do you like the work I’ve done back here?” I think in the history of hairdressing, no man has ever reacted in this moment in any other way other than…”Yeah.” Do people go… “I love it, I’m leaving backwards! “I’m spending the rest of my life in reverse.” We don’t care. Men are just grateful they still have hair. We’re just grateful. We don’t care about the haircut. When you go for a haircut, they tell you, they ask you questions before even the hair wash. “So what are we doing today?” Some kind of consultation. We have nothing to say at this moment. “Haircut, that’s what I want. Haircut. “I want to leave here with less hair than when I entered in the building.” I like people who go bald, but a little bit stays in the middle. Like a little island of hair that breaks away from the mainland. And they keep the island. They must think, “Shall I keep the island? “I’ll keep the island. Maybe I can build a little walkway to the mainland.” I saw one bloke with this and it was in the shape of an arrow. He had a pretty decent arrow on the top of his head. And I wondered, when people ask him directions, does he tell them or just go… Of course, it’s a very different story for women. Hairdressing, layers, and colours and tints. My wife has all these lotions and potions. The amount of creaming she does. Hours! She comes out of the shower. We’re still two or three hours from getting into the bed. Creaming, different creams… “Just creaming myself… “Be with you in about 45 minutes, honey. “Just creaming my entire body, sliding like a…” She said to me the other day, “Can you get me this cream? “It’s a miracle, must-have cream and it’s in all the shops, really expensive.” I said, “What’s it for? You’ve got all the creams in the world.” She said, “It’s for wrinkles.” “For what? You don’t have any wrinkles.” “I know, Michael, and I won’t. If I use this cream every single day “for the rest of my life, I’ll never have wrinkles. “That’s why it’s a miracle, must-have cream.” I’m like, “When are you even due to have wrinkles?” “I don’t know, Michael. 20 years or something.” “20 years? You want me to buy you something 20 years in advance “of you maybe getting it? This sounds like a rip-off to me. All right? “And I will take it back. I don’t like to be ripped off. “I’m more than happy to walk in there in 2029 and go, “‘Look, I purchased this cream 20 years ago, I’ve got the receipt, “‘which you’ll notice is in a better condition than the face of my wife. “‘I want a full refund.”‘ These cosmetics departments are the weirdest places I’ve ever seen. Big bright lights everywhere, and people working there, they seem to have every product they sell on their face. They can’t even move their own faces. “Can I interest you with anything from the Clarins range? “It’s all over my face. “Just pick what you want from the face.” They even asked me a question as I was walking through. “Excuse me, sir.” “What is it?” “Quick question about your face.” “Sorry? You have a question about my face?” “Yes, it’s looking very dry.” “I should have a wet face, should I? You don’t have a wet face. “Don’t see anybody else with a wet face.” She asked one of the most difficult questions I’ve ever been asked. She said, “What is your daily skin routine?” “Every day, I have skin. What exactly are you getting at?” But I don’t want you to think I’m not a generous man. I did very recently buy her a very beautiful dress. We went out shopping especially for a dress. Shopping for clothing can be quite tense with her, with any woman, I think. Because she’s the same size, but in different shops, she’s different sizes, depending on how they interpret a different size. I really don’t know why this is. But she can range from a size eight, and then next door she’ll be a size 12. And if she’s an eight, we have a really lovely day together. If she’s a 12, we have to go home immediately. She’ll be like, “We’re fucking leaving!” “You look terrific, darling.” “I’m disgusting, that’s the problem!” “You sure you couldn’t slip into them, even with all the cream that you have on?” “Don’t be fucking ridic…” It gets to the point, she’s more interested in the size than actually what she’s trying on. She’ll be like… (GASPING) “Michael, it’s an eight. “It’s an eight and it fits me really, really well. “I mean, it’s an eight, it’s an eight. It just sort of slides on, and it’s an eight. “You don’t know what this means. I’ve been waiting for this moment. “Michael, it’s an eight.” “Darling, it’s a shoe. What are you getting so excited about?” So we’re looking around for this dress. A personal shopper, I’ve never met one of these before. The campiest man I’ve ever met in my entire life who literally jumped into our life. I’ve never seen anyone so camp that he jumped into our life. We were sort of looking around, browsing, he came running up, “Excuse me! “Hello, are you shopping here today?” I have a bit of an issue with very camp, gay men, and my issue is that I realise I’m quite camp myself. And I feel that if I behave normally, as a heterosexual, I’m sort of treading on their territory a bit. So I tend to go very much in the opposite direction. “Are you shopping here today?” “What does it fucking look like, mate? Waiting for a train?” Whereas of course, naturally I would’ve gone, “Yes, and you can help. Yay!” So he takes us into this room and starts showing us all these dresses. And my wife’s loving them. You see, this is very exciting. All these designer dresses. I knew it was too expensive. I knew there was problems here. When he gave me champagne as well. “You have a glass of champagne and just sit there, “and let us girls sort this out, okay?” So finally she finds this one, she loves it. The guy’s practically in tears. He goes, “So beautiful. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my life.” My wife’s like, “Can we afford it, Michael?” “No, we can’t afford it. I knew this was going to happen. “Nobody can afford this dress, it’s a joke. “People shouldn’t spend this kind of money on something you can’t drive. Okay? “It’s not natural.” But I could see how happy she was with it and I could see the disappointment in her eyes, and quite frankly, I sensed an opportunity. So I said, “Look, “I can see how beautiful you look in this, and I know that we’ve come here for a reason, “and I want to make you happy. “And you know how much I love you and it’s a special occasion.” I was thinking mainly about the blow job. “And I think that you deserve it.” You know what it’s like – after 10 years in a relationship, blow jobs work on a sort of reward structure. There’s no spontaneity left in a relationship. If I do a series of good things she will make an announcement: “Somebody might be getting a blow job later.” “Me? Is it me? Is it me?” I’ve even noticed over the years, I seem to be getting blow jobs on my birthday, which led to me on my last birthday actually saying the words, “Darling, will I be getting a birthday blow job today?” Then you enter into serious negotiating. “Yes, Michael, you will. Would you like a quick one now or a long one later? “I’ve got a lot to do in the kitchen.” “Ah, how romantic. Let me consider those options. “I’m gonna go for a quick one now in case one of us dies at lunch. How about that?” So I said to her, “Come on, let’s just get this dress before I change my mind. “Let’s get it and go.” And she says, “I need a clutch.” “You need a what?” “I need a clutch!” “Sorry, there’s something wrong with the car? You’re telling me this now?” “No, Michael, it’s called a clutch bag. “It goes with the dress, it’s like an outfit. “Have you not seen them? Do you not know anything about fashion?” I said, “No, I don’t. What is it?” “It’s a little bag, and it’s for your essentials. Lipstick, keys, phone, that kind of thing. “You just clutch it like that, and it matches the dress.” “Oh, all right. How much is that?” 500 pounds! “500 pounds? For a little bag? “For your lipstick, and your keys and your phone?” I said, “For 500 pounds, I could hire a human being to walk alongside you “holding your lipstick and your keys and your phone.” It’s fun watching her try things on, though – anybody trying things on. People behave very oddly when they try things on, don’t they? When they put dresses on, and trousers… You walk in a way you’ll never actually walk once you purchase the trousers. She walks into the changing room like a normal human being holding the trousers. Then she comes out, doing this really… “What do you think? What do you think of these trousers? “I think they’re quite nice. Mmm.” “What are you doing?” “I’m seeing if they fit.” “You don’t need to be doing that in trousers.” Men do the same thing when they put a suit on. There’s this whole suit thing, that you go… “What do you think of this suit? I think it’s pretty good.” No one’s ever done this when they own the suit. But when they’re trying it on, there’s a huge preparation for acting like a complete freak in a suit. You wouldn’t go to a business meeting going, “Hello, my name’s lan. “Just got a new suit and trousers.” The main one is with shoes. When you try shoes on, you will go for a walk in the shoe shop, but it’s not a walk you’ll ever do anywhere else outside of the shoe shop. It’s a shoe-shop walk. You walk around in this sort of… “I quite like these shoes. “I don’t think they’ll rub. I’m just gonna bang it for a bit. “I think they’re quite comfortable. “It’ll be perfect for my Elvis impersonation. “All right then, let me just push them with my thumb for no reason at all.” “The toe is in the toe section. “That’s ideal. “All the other toes are there. “If the toe was at the back, I wouldn’t buy them. That’d be bizarre. “The sides are filled with the sides of my feet. “Perfect. Everything I wanted happened when I went down there. “And I think I might definitely get these.” They even have little mirrors where you can put your shoe under and look at the shoe from a slightly different angle. “Ah, look, there’s the shoe from that angle. “The cat will love them.” That’s probably what the cat will see. They even give you one shoe. These lazy people who work in shoe shops, they bring out the shoes, they lace up one and hand you the one. And do we say, “Excuse me, people in life wear two shoes. “You’re wearing two shoes now!” “Oh, no, we don’t. We take the one shoe, we go for a walk in that.” “This is good, I love this shoe. Give me two of these.” Why would you walk around the shoe shop in one shoe? There’s no moment in your life that we would ever be recreating this moment. Wallet, keys, phone, I’m late. One shoe, I’ve got to go to a meeting. It’s not just clothes that you try. Everything. You buy a sofa, you start bouncing on it and rubbing the fabric. Nobody sits like this at home. People don’t come round to your house. “Do take a seat.” I tried a bed, and you lie on the bed. Not how you’d normally sleep, it’s like this… Next to my wife, as well. “I like this bed. Do you like the bed?” “Oh, I love it. It’s a really good bed.” “Will we be using it as a coffin?” “Evidently we will, darling.” I bought a Hoover from Comet. They love electricals. Everything they sell is electric. Which means that you have to plug it in. But nothing in the shop is plugged in. And the whole shop is filled with people trying things out, but not for their primary function. They’re just looking at fridges by opening them and closing them. No one asks whether it actually makes food colder? “Look at this one, it opens like that and closes. “I like it, and it’s silver. “Look at this oven, it opens, it’s got trays and dials! “I love trays and dials.” “Does it heat food?” “I don’t give a shit. “It’s got dials and trays.” I was trying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover around the shop a bit. Just to feel the weight of the Hoover. It wasn’t plugged in. I just took it for a little spin. And as I was hoovering down the aisle, somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me. “Hello. Good Hoover. I used to have that model.” ‘Cause there’s two very distinctive styles of hoovering. Either you walk with your Hoover, like this… (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING) Then you get to the end and you hoover around and you follow in behind. (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING) Or you stand your ground and hoover out. Then you just pick another spot at random. Hoover out again. (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING) If you can’t get into a nook, the hose will come out. It’s exciting when you think “We’ll utilise the hose now.” You stand up and take the hose out… (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING) Before you hoover with the hose, for some reason you feel the excitement building. You have to hoover yourself. I don’t really know why. You know what it’ll feel like. You know that it’s a suction device. You just feel the need to confirm it. (IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING) It’s just one of those signs that life is quite boring when you decide to hoover yourself. “You looking for a job today?” “Hoovering my own face earlier.” There are little moments in life when you can have fun. I’m having a lot of fun in petrol stations at the moment. They sell these wind-up torches and I buy one in every petrol station just so I can make this quite childish joke. I put it on the counter and go, “Is this some kind of a wind-up?” (INAUDIBLE) Perks me up on a long journey. I’ll tell you what I also like doing, is saying four numbers when I do chip-and-pin. They’re not my numbers, but it freaks the shit out of people. Because most people are so secretive – they hood, they create a hand hood. I’m hand-hooding. I just go “Seven, four, two, one. I think those are them.” “The bloke’s insane!” People just wanna pay as quick as they can at the petrol station. Get in and out. Don’t waste any time. The race is on. Even while you’re still putting petrol in the car, you’ve clocked other people. “Pump two. Pump seven. “Pump three. She’s no threat at all. “These are my main competitors.” Sometimes I put less petrol in the car just ’cause somebody else has finished. “No, you fucking don’t. I can do that.” And then you know you’re racing each other. What you want to do ideally is go, “Come on!” But you can’t. You just slowly speed your pace up a bit. (GRUNTING) There’ll be someone in the shop looking at confectionary. “No time for confectionary – there’s a race and I will win it!” And then, of course, you don’t look at your pump number. That’s tradition, I think, in this country. No one’s ever put petrol in and looked at the pump number. One by one you have to queue up and go, “Pump number… “Is that three or four? I don’t know.” I’ve been eating too much at petrol stations, let’s be honest, ’cause I’ve been on the road. I’m trying to lose weight. Not only am I trying to lose weight, ladies and gentlemen, but I had that moment – that moment when people who need to lose weight go on a diet. They have this one moment and think, “That’s it. Now I will lose the weight.” I had that moment and I still didn’t diet. That moment was when I was on a Flybe flight. Flybe is one of those tiny planes that you can’t even believe is your plane. When you’re in the airport and you’re looking out the window… “That can’t be our plane? Is that a plane?” “We’re gonna have to get on that thing? That’s the size of a car! “I can’t get on that thing.” I’m not happy with any plane where the captain turns around and goes, “Are you ready?” No, thank you. No, thank you. So I’m sitting there and this stewardess comes over, she says, “Excuse me, sir, can I just pop you over there in seat 6A?” I’m like, “Why?” “It’s probably better if you don’t ask questions “and just move your stuff over.” “What do you mean, don’t ask questions? This is my seat. I’ve got all my stuff here. “I’ll sit here, thank you very much.” “I’m sorry, sir, that’s the orders of the captain. “Let me just move you over to 6A.” “But why? I’m very comfortable here. You’re gonna have to tell me why.” “It’s probably better if you don’t.” It was to balance the weight of the aircraft. How depressing is your life when they’re going, “Can I just get everyone to sit on this side and lean towards the window? “And Fatty, over there on your own, okay?” That didn’t do it. I consider losing weight before the summer because there’s always a big sort of excitement to slim down for summer. All my wife’s magazines: “Slim down for summer.” “Easy steps to that bikini body.” “Why take the lift when you can take the stairs?” Huh! Good advice. What I want to know is why do they have these magazine articles every single spring? We automatically put weight on over the winter. It’s not like in the autumn the magazine goes, “Chub up for Crimbo.” “Why take the stairs when you can lie in the lift eating chocky? Yay!” The gym is the big thing. That’s what everyone says, “Go to the gym.” I’ve tried. I’ve been to the gym and it’s a horror story. The changing rooms, I just can’t cope with it. I don’t understand men’s philosophies towards nakedness. Okay? Men in this very room behave like this and I don’t understand you. If I have to be naked in public, I’ll be naked for a short amount of time as is humanly possible, okay? I will get my fresh, new pants, line them up. Get the perfect distance away. Take off old pants, put new pants on! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’m back in pants. Sometimes I go too quickly. “I’m in two pants. I don’t give a shit. “I’d rather have two pants than no pants.” But other men have completely the opposite philosophy of this. They’ll come out of the shower, sort of air-drying… Towel-drying their arses! I have never towel-dried my arse in my entire life. I don’t need to. I don’t leak water from my arse. But other men, they spend hours working away at the arse. Go through dozens of fresh towels. But they don’t do it in the corner against the wall. They’re right out there in the open, looking at you, “Yes, I’m towel-drying my arse now.” And I see men put their pants on last. Literally last. They come out of the shower, you know, they put the… Shirt goes on… And everything’s flapping around down there. Tie goes on, look who’s still in town. Jacket. Coat, scarf. Top hat. Yeah, baby. Shoes and socks. How’s that even fucking possible? What’re you gonna do? Sew your trousers on now? People dropping keys. I saw one guy blow-drying his pubic hair in the hand dryer. That should be illegal. Standing there talking about house prices. “Do you think we’ve reached the bottom?” I see people running to each other. If I saw somebody I knew in the gym changing room, I’d hide in the locker. This guy was like, “Mark?” “Fucking hell! Richard! Is that you?” “I didn’t know you were a member of this gym.” “Yeah, I just moved into the area recently. What’s it like here?” You literally don’t know where to look. (EXCLAIMING) I sat down once to do my shoelaces. I will never again go to this height in that environment again. There were lockers above me. Somebody’s looking for their locker. So they’re edging their way over. I’m sitting here doing my laces up… Fuck! The final straw is that this bloke came over to me, “Excuse me, mate, have you got the time?” “Time to put your fucking pants on, okay?” So I was in Starbucks. There was a bloke in front of me. He said, “Can I get a tall, skinny, black Americano?” I said, “Are you ordering a president?” I was watching Sky Sports News. There was a football manager called Alan Knill. K-N-l-L-L. What a great name if you’re involved in football. Knill. If he has a son and doesn’t call him “Juan”, he’s missed a major opportunity for comedy. (LAUGHS) “This is my eldest, Juan Knill.” I actually started this whole process in Taunton in the West Country… (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) Where two people have joined us tonight. In the West Country they speak like this. They go… (IN WEST-COUNTRY ACCENT) “All right. You all right? “Welcome to Somerset. You all right?” Quite bizarrely, in East Anglia, which is the opposite side of the country… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Where several people have joined us tonight. They speak like this… (IN VERY SIMILAR ACCENT) “Hello! You all right? Welcome to Norwich.” How on earth did this happen? Opposite sides of the country. The country is divided into… (CHANGES PITCH) “All right!” (CHANGES PITCH) “Hello!” (CHANGES PITCH) “All right!” How did it happen? Did a whole lot of farmers just arrive and go, “Right, let’s split up. “You guys go that way, we’ll wait here.” “All right.” “Hello.” “Keep walking.” “All right.” In the interval in my gig there, this woman came in and said, “Hello, Michael, my name is Margaret. “I’m the duty manager here at the theatre. “This is my assistant, Jenny. Say hello, Jenny.” “Hello. My name’s Jenny.” Jenny was quite something to behold. She had eyes pointing in different directions. Which is awkward, ’cause you don’t know whether to ignore it or pick one and get in front of it. Margaret said, “Michael, did you get your sandwich? “I made you your sandwich myself with my assistant, Jenny, “and I was wondering whether you enjoyed your sandwich.” Now, if truth be told, it was a terrible sandwich. But of course, out of politeness I said, “Thank you much, Margaret, for my sandwich.” But this sandwich was an abomination, okay? This sandwich consisted of tomato and lettuce and no further ingredients. There was nothing else in this sandwich. I couldn’t even believe it was a sandwich. A sandwich needs a focal ingredient, a meat or a cheese, then you accessorise around it. This was an accessory sandwich. A humiliation of a sandwich. And I’ve been thinking, subsequently, who in their right mind would present this and even call it a sandwich? And the only conclusion I came to is that she was trying to make me a BLT, but got confused ’cause of the “B” in bread. It’s the only real thought I’ve had. She was in the kitchen with Jenny, going, “Right, we’re going to go for a classic here today, the BLT. “We’re gonna need ‘B’ for bread, pass that. ‘L’, that’ll be the lettuce, “and ‘T’ will have to be the tomato. That’s that done.” “Margaret!” “What is it, Jenny? You shouldn’t be interrupting me “you should be listening and learning.” “Isn’t there supposed to be bacon in a BLT?” “I have heard the rumours. However, that would create the BBLT. “I’ve already had to lose the butter to get to this point as it is, Jenny. “Next up, G and T, this one’s easy. Glass and tonic. That’s that done. “You’re getting these there in one day.” My wife has a gin and tonic of an evening. I’ll just take some wine. We have a drinks cabinet. Many people will have drinks cabinets in their home. You like to show people, “This is all our drinks.” You look at it on your own and you’re like, “I hope people come round “and see all the drinks I’ve collected through my life.” And there are drinks in there that you know you will never ever drink until you die. But you just like to have them there, ’cause it looks a bit like a bar. Let’s be honest. From this moment till the day I die, I will never utter the words, “I think I’ll have a glass of Cinzano.” But I have it. It’s there if I need it. Wine’s a weird one because people… Everyone pretends to be experts in wine. We’ve all got this sort of… We all just take part in this weird lie, that we’re all connoisseurs in wine. A lot of people drink and like wine, but let’s be honest, at least 90% of us are not experts in the field of wine. When we go out to restaurants, we all play this sort of bullshit production that we know about wine. Nobody at the table knows anything about wine. The waiter himself, he knows nothing about wine. We know red colour and white colour. That’s all you know. But you all pretend you know a great deal more. “Would you like to see the wine list?” He might as well be saying, “Would you like the book of gibberish?” “Yes, I would.” Let me pretend I’m looking at that. Ignore all the words and focus entirely on the prices. “Let’s see that.” “How about this one?” You just point at it. You don’t even have the confidence to say it. “I want this one.” “Ah, a fine choice. “I have no idea if that’s a fine choice. I know fuck-all about wine myself.” It’s all part of the bullshit production. Then they come and show you the bottle. You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle of wine. But you go along with it because it’s all part of it. It’s the only part of the meal you need to witness that it’s coming from the right source. It’s not like you order a hamburger and they come up with a photo of a cow. “This is a cow. This is the kind of thing. Are you happy with this?” “Yes, that’s exactly the kind of thing I meant when I ordered a hamburger.” Then they open it in front of you. You have to witness the opening of the wine. Complete nonsense. It’s not like you have the steak and they come out and go, “I’m just flipping those over now, all right, just that part of it.” So you can see what’s going on. Then comes the big, the key part. The pouring of the wine. Who will try the wine? Who will take the lead role in this bullshit production? Nobody wants to do it. (MUMBLES) “You do it. I don’t want to do it.” Normally someone will give you up. “You do it.” “Okay, okay. I will try the wine.” It’s almost as if time stands still. Pour a little bit, everyone’s staring at you. The waiter is waiting for your verdict. “Yes.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “That’s wine. “That is wine. I’ve had wine before. This is exactly what it tastes like. “It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it isn’t Ribena, it’s wine. “Everyone should have some of this.” I always thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it. I thought it was like a taste test. Apparently you’re tasting it to see if it’s corked, which means it’s off. They’re asking you to determine whether it’s off, and if it’s off, they’ll bring you another bottle. I’m paying for it, why don’t you ascertain in your own time whether it’s off or not, and if it is, don’t serve it to me. It’s not like you ordered a coffee and they come up with the milk, going, (SNIFFS) “It smells funny. Will you try it for me?” (SPLUTTERS) Cheesy! But you go along with it, ’cause it’s restaurant. You just go along with things in restaurants, ’cause you think it’s the way you have to behave in restaurants. You sit in this most expensive restaurant… “Would you like some bread for the table? Some water for the table?” The table’s having a better night than I am at this rate. And who actually wants bread and water before your meal? I could get this in an orphanage. I’m paying a lot of money to be here. But you go along with it, ’cause you’re in a restaurant. You order your main course. “Would you like some side orders?” No, just give me food on a plate! I don’t need satellites of food surrounding my food. Is it to make you feel like you’re eating less? “Yes, I would like some side orders. “In fact, I’d like some potato dauphinoise behind me. “Put them behind me. “I want carrots in a drawer under the table. “Cream of spinach behind the cistern in the loo. No one will ever know.” But you go along with it ’cause you’re in a restaurant. Coffee as well. At the end of a meal, even at dinner. 11:30 at night, you’re about to go to bed. Can I get anyone a coffee? If my wife said to me at home, at 11:30 at night, after dinner, “Do you want a coffee?” I’d go, “Have you lost your fucking mind? “Why would I want a coffee? “You’re talking about the drink that we get ourselves out of bed in the morning with? “The high-caffeine drink to get you going in the day? “You want to have that now before bed? “Is this some kind of an experiment, you nutter?” In a restaurant, “Yes, I think I’ll have a latte. “What would you like?” “An espresso for me. Just an espresso.” 2:00 in the morning. “Why the fuck did I order that? “I can’t sleep. Can you sleep?” “Of course I can’t sleep. I had a fucking espresso and coffee cake.” “I might just go to work now and wait there.” “But it’s Friday!” “I don’t care!” You go along with it ’cause you’re in a restaurant. But it doesn’t matter what you order, ladies and gentlemen, the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper. Salt and pepper are so phenomenally successful in the herb and spice arena. They arrogantly sit on the table, knowing that whatever you want to prepare you will require one of us. Either myself, or my dear friend Pep. “Isn’t that right?” “Right you are, Salty.” “You’ve been keeping busy?” “Ah, breakfast this morning, I was all over that.” But there are other herbs and spices. Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin, paprika. They’re all lined up in the cupboard, waiting. Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see salt and pepper on the table. “Look at them, the bastards. “What’ve they got? What’ve they got that we don’t have? “I just don’t get it.” “I don’t get it either.” “Neither do I.” “I can’t even see them from here. What do they look like?” “You ever been out of the cupboard, Cumin?” “Once, I think, for Bolognaise.” “They said it was an experiment. “That was in 1992. I don’t think it worked. “But I remain hopeful.” “What about you, Sage? You ever been out of the cupboard?” “I actually used to live with them at their old house. “And then they moved me here and put me back in this cupboard. No.” “What about you, Paprika?” (HUNGARIAN ACCENT) “I fell out once. “They just put me back in the wrong way round. “Seven years I was like this. “Every day I pray. I pray for it to be goulash day. “But it is never goulash day. “I still got the plastic on my head. Why the fuck did they buy me? “I don’t understand it.” (AUDIENCE CHEERING) “What about you? Who are you on the end?” (IN CHINESE ACCENT) “My name is Five-spice.” “Have you ever been out of the cupboard, Five-spice?” “I am not one spice. “I am five-spice. “I am five times as good as all of you!” “Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?” “I have been used in recipes “for thousands of years.” “But have you ever been out of this cupboard?” “No.” “Excuse me. Sorry. I’m sorry to interrupt all this nonsense. “Tired of listening to all your whining, ’cause the fact is I have been in this cupboard “for longer than all of you put together.” “Sorry, who are you?” “John West Tuna. Nice to meet you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “This is my wife, Tinned Salmon.” I presume you would have checked your mobile phones. Probably put them on silent. Don’t bother putting them off, ’cause then you can see everything that you’ve missed. All the missed calls. “Look how popular I am. “Look at the little envelopes. Lot of activity. “Lot of activity.” Sometimes you turn your phone off and you turn it on after a significant period of time and there’s no messages, you can’t believe it. “Nobody?” One of the great things about your phone is that if you lose your phone, you can phone your phone to find your phone. It’s the only thing you can do that with. You get a second chance. And this lovely moment when you realise, “Where’s my phone? (GASPS) “I will phone my phone.” If you lose your keys, you’ve lost your keys. You can’t just phone your keys. “Hello? Is that my keys? “Where the fuck are you? “We’ve left you. The whole bunch thinks you’re a dick, if I’m honest with you. “Except for the Chubb, he likes you. “He’s under the mat. The rest of us you’ll never find.” But with your phone, you can lose your phone and you… I normally use my wife’s phone to phone my phone. Basically, our phone bills are mainly made up of us phoning each other’s phones. You dial the number. It’s exciting when you hear it ringing. You know you’ll find your phone. “Ah! It’s here. I found it.” The problem is every time this happens you get your phone, you go, “Ooh, one missed call. “It was you, darling. When did you phone me? “Did I miss a call from you earlier? “Oh, no. No, false alarm. It was me phoning me. I phoned myself. “Sorry. Awkward.” If it goes straight to the machine, I’ll leave myself a message. “Where are you?” I did that once and then I found my phone. I didn’t recognise my own voice and it freaked me out for weeks. “You have one new message.” “Where are you?” “Who is that? “Darling, listen, listen, listen to this message.” “Where are you?” “Who have you pissed off? “Be honest with me, Michael, who have you pissed off?” I actually hosted a mobile-phone awards quite recently. All the networks were there. And I came out at the beginning and I said, “Thank you for that lovely reception. “Apart from you, T-Mobile.” They didn’t find it that funny. (LAUGHS) I got done for talking on my phone in the car. I’m really sorry, I know it’s a bad thing. It’s very annoying. I know people do it. I’ve seen you do it. You’re chatting on the phone in the car and then if you see the police officer, you don’t have time to turn it off. So you just drop it and keep your hand like that. Then you have this redundant hand you have to find a use for. Whoever you’re talking to is now chatting by your feet. (GIBBERISH) I’ll be with you in a moment. Doesn’t it wind you up when you see people talking on their phone in the car? It really winds me up. I hate it when you’re driving behind somebody. You know, they’re swerving. Or the lights go green and they don’t react. And you conclude there’s an idiot in that car. You start discussing it with other people in your car. “Have you seen the idiot?” “Ugh! Complete idiot!” And then you think, “Let’s go, let’s go past the idiot. “Let’s see what the idiot looks like. “It’s very rare in life you can see a genuine idiot human.” And you wait for your first opportunity to overtake the idiot. And you can feel your neck muscles pulling. “Idiot!” A whole car full of people in unison. Even babies in their car seats. “Idiot.” I got a mobile-phone bill for £932. Right. It wasn’t my… It wasn’t my network. It was obviously a mistake. It was itemised. Every single phone call was to Nigeria. So I knew something was up. I phoned them up and I said, “Look, this isn’t me. There’s been some kind of issue.” “All these phone calls are to Nigeria. It’s for 900 quid.” She said, “Are you absolutely certain you didn’t make these calls, sir?” I said, “Yes, I’m quite convinced I didn’t decide to get to know Nigeria “over a two-day period. I would have remembered that.” She said, “What I think has happened, sir, is that a Nigerian “has made these phone calls.” “Ah, Columbo, I got straight through to you. “How convenient.” “So what I think’s happened – and this has happened before – “is a Nigerian man or woman has impersonated you.” She used the word “impersonated”. This doesn’t say a whole lot for my career, that a Nigerian woman has walked into the Carphone Warehouse… (IN NIGERIAN ACCENT) My name is comedian joker Michael McIntyre. “What is it, my manjoe?” “I want a phone from you.” “You look very different on the TV, sir.” (LAUGHING) “In the flesh you’re more feminine and Nigerian.” That was scary post. Scary post is getting that bill. I get a lot of previous-owner post. That’s just boring, isn’t it? You just bin it. “Previous owner? Who are you? “You don’t live here any more. I’ll just bin your post.” Unless it’s handwritten. (MUMBLES) (CHUCKLES) The guy who used to live in my house is called Michael Cunningham and he got a lot of Christmas cards. And I put them up as my own. “Dear Michael, merry Christmas!” Who’s gonna know? You know the Bank of Scotland? It’s a bank, it’s from Scotland. You must have seen it, it’s… They named it themselves, the Bank of Scotland. They also have it in England, where they’ve called it the Bank of Scotland. What do you know! They also have it in Wales. It’s called the Bank of Scotland. In Ireland, it’s called it the Bank of Scotland, in brackets, “Ireland”. They felt the need to add additional information for Irish people. I heard in England, when you see the Bank of Scotland you still feel confident of your location. They were warned that Irish people would be staggering home from the pub at night going, “Oh, she fancies me, the blonde one, Siobhan. There’s no two ways about it. “Oh, look, it’s the Bank of… Shit! We’ve taken a wrong turn. “How in God’s name did we get to Scotland? “We left the pub five minutes ago. “I must have swam, but I’m not wet. I have no recollection. “I’m not even a strong swimmer. This is insanity.” They’ve got their language in Ireland. I didn’t even know about it until I was recently there. ‘Cause I know they’ve got their own language in Wales. It’s called Welsh. They have it on the roads. It says, “Slow”, and then the Welsh for slow which is… Araf! Slow. Araf! Did dogs write some of the language? Is this what’s happening? Must be quite confusing for Welsh dog walkers. “Come on then. Let’s go.” “Araf!” “I’ll pick the fucking pace, all right!” “Let’s just wait here for a minute.” “Araf!” “We’re not even bloody moving! How lazy are you!” The first time I drove into Wales, I’d never seen this before, and ’cause I was driving over it I didn’t really read it properly. I thought it said “Slow, Arab.” I thought, “What?” “Given the delicate global political situation “is this the best way to handle the terror threat?” I thought there’d been a meeting at the Welsh Assembly. Like, “Next on the agenda is Al-Qaeda. “Now, it’s only a matter of time before they strike us in the valleys. “Any ideas how to combat the threat?” “I got one. “Let’s slow them down on the roads. Keep an eye on the bastards.” “Slow, Arab, put your hands where I can fucking see them, all right?” So I’m in Ireland, right, I’m trying to go to the loo, and it’s written up men and women, but it’s in Irish. It says mna, M-N-A, and fir, F-l-R. And I had to determine quickly, ’cause I was desperate, whether I was a mna or a fir. And I went for mna because all the letters of “man” are there. Okay? I assumed this is where I was supposed to be. So I burst into the mna, and in hindsight I should’ve looked for the urinals, ’cause they’re unique to the men’s room. But if I’m honest with you, I never look for urinals. Far too tense, big lines of horse-pissing men. (HISSING) Sometimes standing unfeasible distances, looping. Can’t be dealing with that. There’ll be like one Ionesome urinal and you have to take your place, and your brain goes, “Time to pee”, and your body goes, “I don’t want to pee any more.” “What? You told me you needed to pee.” “I changed my mind.” Then you have to pretend to pee. It’s terribly awkward. Then the men start to notice, “This bloke isn’t even pissing. “I recognise him from the gym. It’s two-pants. He’s a freak.” “I’m not a freak. I’d rather have two pants than no pants.” “Doesn’t even towel-dry his arse.” I just go to the cubicle where I can shut the door and I can lock it and I can do things at my own leisure. Unfortunately, I then heard women coming in, chatting. “Oh, you’re having a good night. It’s heavin’ out there.” And I’m in the loo thinking, (GASPS) “I’m a fir. “I’m not a mna, I’m a fir.” I thought “I’ll wait for them to disperse, then I will run to freedom.” Unfortunately, they were really chatting away. You know what girls are like. “Oh, you’re having a good night? “Who’s that little fellow following you around? He’s very cute.” “Oh, he’s just some bloke carrying my lipstick and my keys and my purse. “It was my husband’s idea.” Then I realised I was in the only cubicle. They were basically queuing for the cubicle that I was in. There was a line of genuine mnas waiting for a cubicle where a fir dwelled, masquerading as a mna. At last there was a knock on the door and this girl went, “Are you all right in there, darling?” And without even hesitating, I went, (IN FEMALE VOICE) “I’ll be out in a minute.” Why did I do that? Why did I think this will be a good idea, to pretend to be a woman? I just sat there going, “Why did I do that?” After a while I had to try and come clean from behind the door, but I had to keep the voice initially. (IN FEMALE VOICE) “Girls, I’m really sorry, but I’m a man.” “You’re a man? Have you just discovered this?” (IN OWN VOICE) No, this isn’t my actual voice. I heard one say, “Do you believe that?” “I’ll believe anything. Just had a phone call from my friend, Tommy, “he says he’s in Scotland, but he left the pub five fucking minutes ago.” What a surreal night. I went on Ryanair. I’ve actually never been on Ryanair before this. I’ve only heard people take a piss out of it. Oh, my God! It doesn’t make any sense, this airline. It’s £1 to use the loo and 99p to get to Rome. Where is the logic in this? There are people sitting on the plane going, “Do I need a piss or an Italian adventure? I can’t decide.” And they keep making it more and more shit, but people keep going on it. They’re making you take your bags now to the plane yourself. They’re talking about having standing-up flights. Is that even legal, to stand on a plane? On normal planes they don’t let you take off if your seat isn’t in the upright position. “Here to here. Not here. We can’t take off now. “Here. We can go. Not now. “Are you crazy? Get a plane airborne with your seat here?” “Here, now, let’s go. “Your armrest needs to be here. Window, here.” (MUMBLING) Can they really not get the plane in the sky? Is the captain there going, “I can’t. Nothing seems to be working. “Have you checked all the seats are in the upright position?” “This one’s fine. This one’s fine. You, get forward!” “Sorry!” On Ryanair, “Hold the nearest person, it’s time to go!” (SCREAMING) I thought they must be going to land the plane. They’re just going to go near the earth now. People are going to have to… (GRUNTING) “Here come the bags!” I managed to get away in the summer. That’s what people want, isn’t it, sun? We obsess. We’re happiest in the winter when we don’t expect the sun, so we can just relax. In the summer we spend the whole time, “I’ve heard there’s sun coming on Thursday. “Have you seen it?” “I did, I saw it. Thursday.” “It’s not gonna stay long. You better get out there. “Get your face in it.” People are very into getting their face in it. “What are you doing inside with your face… Your face is not in it. “Get that face in that.” “You’ve caught the sun on your face.” “Have I? Have I, really?” “Yes, you’ve really caught the sun on your face. “You must’ve got your face in it.” “I did get my face in it. “It’s quite hot when your face is in it. It’s quite hot when your face is in it.” Men really love the sun for barbecue. “Sunny day. “Time for cooking outside. “Woman, I am tired of your indoor shit. “You are relegated to salad. Time to cook outside now.” There’s never enough sun, so you have to go away to the sun. I booked a week in Cyprus, very excited. People keep saying, “Are you gonna get some sun?” “Yeah, I booked a holiday. “Where you going?” “Cyprus.” “Oh, it’ll be nice and sunny.” “I’ll be so nice to get the sun.” “Yeah, I can’t wait to get the sun. “Just can’t wait to get the sun. Won’t it be so nice to have sun?” Kept looking at the five-day forecast on the BBC – “Sun, sun, sun, sun, sun.” “Look, darling. Look at all the sun.” We’re on the plane, nice and sunny. Sunny conditions. “Oh, we’re gonna get to the sun.” Within 10 minutes of arriving in Cyprus, I said the words, “We need to find a shady bit. There’s a nice shady bit over here. “This is nice and shady.” Every time I went into my hotel room, “Ah, it’s nice and cool in here. So nice and cool in here.” You spend the whole time protecting yourself from the sun – until the last day. This is the day when you might not see the sun for maybe a whole year. “What time is our flight, darling? 4:00? We have to leave at what, 1:00? “I’m just gonna get some last-minute sun.” “Do you want the cream?” “No cream. “Burn me, God! Burn my face off!” You even find yourself sunbathing on the steps up the airplane. (EXCLAIMS) Get some sun! People have all sorts of different holidays. Some girls go on 18-30s holidays. They have unprotected sex and they have a child. Ten years later, the child says, “Mum, I want to know about my dad.” She says, “The only thing I know about your father is that he’s now between 28 and 40.” That joke has two waves of laughter depending on your level of mathematics. It’s quite an odd response. There’s an initial laugh, then a pause and people going, “Hmm, hmm… It works.” (LAUGHS) I’ll tell you my big news. My big news is that I’ve moved. I’ve moved. I’ve moved very locally to here. It’s always exciting moving. I got a mortgage for the first time. I filled it out. They said, “Make sure you “don’t leave anything blank in the application ’cause it could delay it.” And it said, “Occupation”, so I put “Comedian.” Then it said, “Position”. I went for “Stand-up”. I thought that was the closest. I got it from the Scottish Widows. I don’t really understand Scottish Widows. I understand banks. But who are they? Who’s this collection of widowed Scottish women? Who’s that one in the advert, just runs around, “Oh, my husband’s gone. “And he was fucking loaded! Call me, call me.” I always thought it was slightly inaccurate. They should have a sort of Glaswegian pensioner smoking a cigarette, “Fucking glad he’s dead. He was a right bastard.” It’s exciting moving, getting all your stuff. And where to move? Always London for me. And it is safe for me to say this now, ’cause we’re in London. I belong to London. Everyone lives here ’cause, you know, it’s a good place to live. A lot of people keep going flirting with the country. “Oh, I love it in the country. “Oh, I can’t wait to get out of London. You know, it’s just amazing. “You know, you can just see for miles. Just for miles and miles. “You can see for miles and it’s so quiet, you can’t hear anything.” That’s ’cause nobody wants to live there. I live in a place filled with people. I can’t hear a thing. “I can see for miles and everyone says hello to you.” “That’s ’cause there’s three people living in your village.” “In London everyone’s so rude. No one says hello to you.” “That’s ’cause it’s physically impossible. “You can’t get on the tube and go, ‘Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.”‘ A clue as to how shit it is in the country is how quickly people tell you they can get back to London. “I’m just so happy here. I can be in London in 42 minutes. “42 minutes I can be in London. The other day I did it in 39 minutes!” I wake up in the morning, “I’m in London! Zero minutes.” The most important thing when I was moving was to get internet and TV. That’s right. These are the most important things in my life. Furniture, I can wait. I can’t not have the internet and proper TV on day one of the move. Google is the starting point to everything. Google. Although I do find Google quite patronising when it goes, “Did you mean…” “I know what I meant, Google.” And I don’t think Google should help you if you don’t know what you mean. Why should Google be of assistance? Google’s just called you an idiot. You have no idea what you mean. “Here a list of schools in your area. “Go to them, attend them, find out what you fucking mean and then come back to me.” My computer broke, actually, quite recently. I took it to the computer-fixing shop. There was a queue of people. There was a person in front of me, a person behind me. You’ve probably seen queues, they’re much like this. The person in front of me says, “Excuse me, mate, I’m looking for a lead “that goes from my laptop to the TV. I think it’s a male to male lead?” And the bloke behind me just went, “Gay.” He heard the words “male to male” and his brain just went, “That’s gay. That lead is gay.” Laptop to TV? That’s not natural. It’s in the Bible. Sky TV, essential. Phoned them up, “I need it on day one. What time you coming around?” “We can’t specify a time, sir. “We can only specify between 8:00 and 12:00 in the morning “and 12:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon.” “I can’t wait all day for you. I’ve got a lot going on, I’m moving. “Can you be more specific?” “I’m sorry, sir, we can’t specify a time. “We can only specify between 8:00 and 12:00 in the morning “and 12:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon.” I said, “Surely you can call me on your way here, then I can make sure I’m in.” “I’m sorry, sir, we simply cannot specify a time. “We can only specify between 8:00 and 12:00 in the morning “and 12:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon.” “Okay, I’ll go for 8:00 and 12:00 in the morning.” “Okay. Can I take your credit-card details?” “Yes. The first digit is between one and seven. How about that? “Can I do that? “I can’t specify a number.” 3:00 in the afternoon, no Sky. Couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe it. “What time is it, darling? What time is it?” “It’s 3:00.” “Is that between 8:00 and 12:00 in the morning? It isn’t. I’m phoning them. “Where are you? “I think I know how might have left me that message. “We’ll talk about this in a minute. “Where are you?” Then the doorbell went. Always typical, isn’t it? Soon as you start phoning, the doorbell goes. And I was angry, okay. That’s my excuse. I was angry because they were late and that’s why I was rude to this man. I opened the door and I said, “I’ve been waiting for you. “I want it in the living room and I want it in the bedroom. Get started.” As I turned, the doorbell went again. I was like, “Sorry, who are you?” “I’m from Sky.” “Then who are you?” This poor man was standing there, trembling. “I’m from number 40, I came to introduce myself.” (MOUTHING) Not the best start to the neighbourhood. The only things I’ve said to this man are, “I’ve been waiting for you. “I want it in the living room, and I want it in the bedroom.” What confused me and will confuse me till the day I die, is why he then walked into my house. I don’t know who’s more scared of who now. It’s good to be going home, obviously – ’cause I’m going home tonight – ’cause I can’t sleep on the road. Find it very difficult in hotels. I need my wife there, yeah. I need her in bed. You need to be… You know, that’s where I’m most relaxed. She’ll go to sleep before me. I will cuddle in. Arm goes over. Her legs will be like that. I’ll slot mine in nicely behind. And I would sleep like this if it wasn’t for this arm here. (GRUNTING) (GRUMBLING) After a while you just give up and roll away to sleep. And then you’re apart. You’re apart for the night. You wake up in the morning. First words of the day, you have to review the night’s sleep, very important. To catch up on what you’ve missed. “Morning, darling. How did you sleep?” This leads to what is undoubtedly the most boring conversation of the entire day. It baffles me we can even find stuff to put in it. But it can sometimes be a lengthy conversation of extraordinary dullness. “Morning, darling, how did you sleep?” “I was very thirsty in the night. I was very thirsty.” “I was thirsty, too. God, I was thirsty.” “I think it was the pizza.” “You’re right. “It was a very salty pizza. A tremendously salty pizza.” “I had to get up. I had to get up for water.” “I was too lazy to get up. I wanted to. “If I’d have known that you got up I would have had some of your water. “But I didn’t know that you got up. And I was so hot as well.” “You were hot? I was quite chilly. I was actually quite chilly.” “Oh, I was really hot. “I was so hot I had to sleep with one leg out of the covers like that.” “I saw you when I went to get water. “I saw you with one leg out of the covers and I remember thinking, “I remember thinking, ‘He can’t be hot. Can you really be hot?”‘ “Yes, I was. I was very hot and I couldn’t get to sleep for hours.” “Well, you shouldn’t have had that fucking coffee. “I told you not to have the coffee when we were in the restaurant. That’s stupid.” “I just thought it was the right thing to do. I went along with it.” There’ll be dreams to update as well. She’ll say, “I had this really weird dream.” And then she goes on to tell me about it. I can’t help you with that. “I had this really weird dream. We were in this house, we were in this house… “Yeah? In this house, yeah? Yeah? In this house, yeah? “It was our house. It was our house! “But it wasn’t our house. “You were there. You were actually there. You were there. “But it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you.” Nightmares happen on occasion. I think for all people in relationships, every once in a while you have this terrible dream. You have a dream your partner has cheated on you. They have betrayed you in your sleep. It’s a horrible nightmare of deceit. And you are filled with hate. And you wake up in the morning and you’re so relieved. “It was just a dream. That didn’t really happen.” But the hate is still strong within you. I look over at her and I can see she’s just sleeping there soundly, she did nothing. Done nothing to hurt me, just been sleeping sweetly by my side. Nothing to hurt me at all. But I’m staring at her. (GROWLING) “Slut.” “What? Sorry, Michael? Good morning. What did you say?” “I said that you’re a slut and a whore. “How could you do it? With my geography teacher from school!” Sometimes it’s you. Sometimes you’ve had a dream where you’ve had an affair with somebody really weird. Somebody from work or something. And you feel quite guilty. “Oh, shit.” “Morning, Michael. How did you sleep?” “Nothing. Nothing.” Breath is an issue in the morning as well. Breath. Morning breath. What is that about? I don’t understand it. I would understand it if maybe before I went to bed I had, like, some garlic, some onions, some Red Bull and swirled it around in my face. Some kind of cocktail. That’s not what happens. I brush my teeth, flossing, maybe mouthwash… I go to sleep minty fresh, like most of you. Seven, eight hours later, she’s like, “Morning, Michael.” (EXHALING) “Morning, darling.” (EXHALING) “Holy shit! Are you all right, Michael?” (EXHALING) “Yes, I’m fine. I actually slept really well.” “Did you go out in the night?” (EXHALING) “Why would I go out in the night? “I was sleeping here next to you. What are you talking about?” “I actually want you to think about this quite seriously. “At any stage during the night, do you recall eating shit? Did that happen?” (EXHALING) “Why would I eat shit? What are you talking about? That’s insane.” “Are you absolutely certain? Maybe you… “Did you get thirsty and drink from the toilet or…” (EXHALING) “No.” “Perhaps you pissed on your own face. Accidents happen.” Sometimes, despite this, you will still have morning sex. Now, morning sex will always involve morning breath. You just adapt it to keep your heads as far away as possible. Sometimes you get lost in the moment. “Oh, I really…” (SCREAMING) And she’ll tell me about it. That’s what I hate about a long-term relationship. I could do without the honesty. She will literally go, “Sorry, I didn’t kiss you, Michael, but you stink from your face.” “Okay, sorry. I’ll brush my teeth, then.” Could do with a little bit less honesty. Sometimes I’ll go and try and seduce her. “Darling, I was wondering if maybe later you’d like to…” “You have some bogey just…” “Oh, sorry.” “What was it you wanted, Michael?” “I’m fine, actually. To be honest, I’m fine. Let’s just leave it, let’s forget about it. “I’ll just sit here.” “Your ball is hanging out a little bit.” “Oh, for God’s sake, leave me alone.” Deep sleep. Every once in a while, you have a sleep so deep you’ll sleep on your arm. It’s quite fun. You wake up with a dead arm. It’s quite heavy as well. A heavy dead arm. “Darling, my arm is dead. I’ve a dead arm.” (CHUCKLES) (ANIMATEDLY) Hello! I don’t even know how I did it, but recently I contrived to sleep on both of my arms. And they were both dead. I got woken up by the phone ringing. (MIMICS PHONE RINGING) “I’ll get it. “My arms are completely dead.” (CHUCKLES) “I can’t get the phone. “Jeez. Can you just get the phone for me, darling, and hold it to my face?” “How lazy are you?” (CHUCKLING) “My arms are dead, I can’t do anything.” ‘Cause I’m away a lot, she says to me, she says, “I hate it when you’re not here, Michael. ‘Cause I feel safe when you’re here.” I’m like, “I don’t. “I might look like Mr Miyagi. I don’t have the moves, darling.” ‘Cause that is a man’s biggest fear, isn’t it? That you’ll be sleeping soundly at night and she’s like, “Michael! Michael!” (MUMBLING) “Michael, wake up!” (EXHALING) “What? What do you want? I was asleep here.” (EXHALING) “Jesus! Michael, I think there’s somebody in the house. “I think there’s a burglar in the house. “I think somebody’s broken into our house. I can hear them in the kitchen.” That is without a shadow of a doubt man’s biggest fear. That is my biggest fear. In fact, that isn’t my biggest fear. My biggest fear is that that happens and I’ve slept on both arms. That’s my biggest fear. “Shit. Damn. Darling, what do you want me to do?” “I want you to go and find out.” “Find out? Find out what?” “Find out if there’s someone downstairs.” “Darling, remember the other day when the phone was ringing? “I’ve got no arms, I’ve slept on both of my arms.” “Don’t you fucking lie to me. You go and protect this household.” “You’re gonna have to go. You’re in a much better position than I am.” “How could you do this? What about the children?” “Good idea. Send one of them. “Give the little one the Wii and tell the other one there’s ice cream.” “You must go and save us.” “All right, I’ll go! “Shit! “Hey, you. You, in the kitchen, get out of my house. “Don’t make me come over there. “Darling, I’ve got no arms. What do you want me to do?” “Use the breath.” (EXHALING) Thank you very much for listening, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. (CROWD CHEERING) Thank you, Wembley. Thank you. Good night. (CHUCKLES) Thank you. Bravo. Good night. (CROWD CHEERING) That is very rude. That’s very rude. Now, you know… No, no, I’m sorry. You know that I do this for a living and this is the end of my work day. You have no right. It’s not fair. When you’re at work and you pop your coat on and go, “Look, I’ll see you guys tomorrow”, the office doesn’t go, “More!” Go out, then come back, do one photocopy, then go home. I’ve been a bit… I’m not gonna lie to you, been a bit stressed, this is quite a big gig, and I’ve been building up to it for a few weeks and I was a bit stressed. A few weeks ago, I was staying in this hotel. I said to my wife, I said, “I’m a bit stressed.” “What are you stressed about?” “A lot of people are coming to see me “and they might not like me and it’s gonna be really scary. “And they will kill me. I’m outnumbered hugely.” (CHUCKLES) She said, “Well, why don’t you go down and have a massage in the hotel?” Never even occurred to me. She said, “It’s very relaxing. They’re very beneficial.” So I phoned down to the spa, and I said, “Look, my wife says, “maybe I need some kind of massage, ’cause I’m quite stressed.” “Oh, yes. You called the right place. “Just pop your dressing gown on from the cupboard and your slippers, “and make your way down to the spa in the basement.” Now, if I was stressed beforehand, I was certainly stressed after I had got lost and wandered into a conference in my dressing gown. (LAUGHING) “A bloke sleepwalking! What a dickhead.” I finally made it down to the spa, where they’re very relaxed. You know, there’s always aromatherapy oils… They can barely speak, they’re so relaxed. (IN CALM TONE) “Hello, sir, can I help you?” “Yes, I just spoke to you earlier.” ‘Cause I’m quite stressed – I get even more posh when I’m stressed. “I just spoke to you earlier. My wife said to me, “‘Go have a massage’, and what do you recommend?” “I think the best thing to do if you’re really feeling stressed is a full-body massage.” So they take me to this little room where they have candles burning and the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. Aromatherapy scents filling the air. You put your head in this sort of thing… That’s not the relaxing bit. No one’s ever had a tough day at work and come home and got a tennis racquet and gone… “That’s a lot better. I feel really relaxed now.” So you’re lying there, head in this thing, dribbling a bit… And then what happens is a strange woman rubs oil into your body for an hour. Now, due to evolution, there are various natural reactions to this. And fighting those natural urges for an hour is without a shadow of a doubt the least relaxing moments of my entire life. Bear in mind, I went there to de-stress. It starts off okay. She massages your sort of back and your shoulders, then she goes down your arm and does your hands and it’s sort of all right. Then she goes to your leg, glides her hands up your leg and dangerously close to your balls, and then back. If this is one’s ball, this is the kind of distance we’re talking about. Almost like she’s filed her fingernails beforehand. And you’re lying there going… (SMALL YELPS) “If you’d like to turn over for me, Mr McIntyre?” “You’re gonna need to give me a couple of minutes at least, okay?” They basically massage every part of your body except for the key area. I’ve never been more stressed in my life. I could barely walk at the end of it. (GRUNTING) “Hi, darling, how was that?” “Toss me off!” (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) “Don’t believe it’s your birthday until next month. How very rude.” So she take the piss out of me, she says, “Oh, you obviously can’t handle it. “You can’t handle the benefits of massage.” I said, “I can, but you know, they’re really close to your balls, “and your balls are like that and it’s really difficult.” She said, “Well, why don’t you have a head, neck and shoulder massage?” So I thought, “Okay.” So I tried that, right? I thought I’d be all right, you know? That deals with this sort of area. No one’s ever come up to me and gone, “Hi, Michael”, and I’ve gone, “Mmm.” I’m okay. Same sort of setup – you know, candles are burning, my head’s in the thing, aromatherapy oils filling the atmosphere, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She massages my neck and my shoulders. And I’m sort of feeling the benefits of massage. Then she goes down my arm and starts doing my hands again. (GASPS) I’m like, “No, she’s made a mistake. She thinks this is the full-body massage. “She’s going to go to my legs in a minute. I can’t cope with that. “I can’t cope with that. I know I can’t cope with that.” So I just innocently enquired, “I’m sorry, I thought you did head…” I didn’t realise quite how that would sound. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you very much, Wembley. Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Wembley. (WHOOPING) Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Bravo! Thank you. Thank you all. Go home. Safe journey. Thank you, Wembley!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RON WHITE: A LITTLE UNPROFESSIONAL (2012) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ron-white-a-little-unprofessional-transcript/

I told you to shut up. Hey, baby, what the hell are you doing? What? Ron, you promised. You know how I get when all that jabberin’ starts. It just makes me crazy sometimes. You know how I am. Get in. You have a show to do in four hours. Oh, baby, we gonna make it to that show, you don’t worry about that. You just get this Cadillac fired up, and headed towards Austin. Jabberin’. All right! Bye, baby. Austin, Texas, how the hell are ya? Great to be back. Oh, man, it’s so great to be back in Austin, Texas. I just have so much fun when I’m here. I see so many friends. Thanks for comin’ out. I was in Bakersfield, California, Wednesday night. Boy, you people think you’re stupid. Last time I was in Austin was the first time I’ve ever blatantly been offered a three-way. And I turned it down, ‘Cause it was one of those deals Where it was two dudes and me. I don’t even watch two and a half men. We flew in from Los Angeles, and we’re goin’ through lax, goin’ through screening, And this guy was just losin’ his fuckin’ mind, ’cause I guess he doesn’t travel that much. He’s not used to this equipment, and he’s just goin’ crazy. You know, you can have fun with that. You can do what I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat-down. “What’s that in your pants, Mr. White?” I have no idea. You’re gonna need to pat that down. Pat it back up again. Give it a couple of twists, see if it’s hooked to anything. You might wanna go wash your hands. I started this tour this summer in Las Vegas, and while I was in Vegas, I broke this tooth off at the gum line, in an alcohol-swimming pool-related incident. I had a show to do in four hours, I was drunk, and missin’ a tooth. It looked a little unprofessional. Not to me, but to the fine folks at the mirage, It goddamn sure did. I told ’em, i said, you gotta get A dentist to patch this up. I will not go onstage lookin’ like this, ‘Cause this tooth doesn’t look that big until it’s gone. They found an all-Night dental school. This dentist is 14 years old. He hooks me up to the gas, and i don’t feel anything. I’m, like, dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, “there are regulations in the state of Nevada Stating which, code one, section four…” I’m, like, fuck! And i asked him, i said, where did you go to college? He goes, “Brigham young.” Fuck, dude, turn it up to catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don’t do it. And I’ll tell you why. They don’t understand “fucked up” The way you and i do. They don’t. They’re guessin’, and they’re shitty guessers. When he got through with the procedure, You could still tell which tooth he worked on, ‘Cause it was a different color. My teeth looked like Indian corn. I had to go to my dentist, Who’s pitchin’ veneers for my teeth, Because he says I’m doin’ wide-Screen high-Definition television, Which is nobody’s friend. Every actor I know in Hollywood would rather have low-Definition narrow-Screen TV, So they look thin and fuzzy instead of clearly fat. I would like to see my dick on a wide-Screen TV. That way, i can quit lookin’ at it through my reading glasses. Put these on, baby. It looks bigger than it feels. I had no idea how expensive veneers were, man. They wanted to do eight teeth on the top, And six teeth on the bottom, And i was, like, how much is that gonna cost? He says, “$27,500.” Fuck, how much is dental school? I’ll teach my mother how to do it. You’re goin’ back to college, mom. “I never went to college.” This’ll be fun for you then. It was a weird week, and I knew it was gonna be a weird week, ’cause it started off weird. I was gonna go to Vegas a day early to do some media, and I wanted to see this show called Love that’s also at the mirage. Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. Fantastic fuckin’ show. And so, I was talkin’ to… My wife and I live in Atlanta and Hollywood, And we were out in California, And I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Las Vegas, and I have an airplane that you guys bought me. I like it a lot. Half the fortune 500 companies in America have let go their private jets. Not Ron White Inc. I’m flyin’ that son of a bitch straight into bankruptcy. I guarantee you, one day, I’ll be livin’ in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I’ll have a jet with weeds growin’ through it. I’ll be in the front seat goin’, push me around some. And I don’t come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from no money. Ten years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend’s backyard. He didn’t even know I was there. It wasn’t even a nice camper. It was a homemade pop-up camper. It was like somebody had duct taped a tent to a golf cart. I had a 20-inch Coleman television. I had to pump it up during commercials. You couldn’t watch porn on it, ’cause nobody’s that coordinated. I was broke. I owed the I.R.S. a bunch of money, ’cause I don’t understand how that works. It’s confusing. When I started doing stand-up, they said that made me an independent contractor, And they said I needed to start filing my taxes quarterly, which I thought meant every 25 years. My brain won’t wrap itself around shit that complicated. My brain does this. That’s it, that’s all it does. I have attention deficit disorder, I have learning disabilities. I don’t have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper. I do have a G.E.D., and if you don’t know what G.E.D. stands for, you probably got one, too. Anyway, I told my wife, I said, I’m leavin’ today at 3:30 to go to Vegas. My wife’s a singer, songwriter, composer. Margo Rey is her name. A brilliantly talented woman. And she says, “I’m workin’ with a guitar player in the studio till 5:00. You can’t wait till 5:30 so I can fly with you?” I said, can you be there at 5:30? And she said yes, which I knew was a lie, Because she’s the biggest liar I ever met in my life. When it comes to how long it’s gonna take her to get somewhere, I hear her on the phone all the time, just lyin’ through her teeth. “We’re two exits away, traffic’s really heavy. We should be there in 15 minutes.” I’m, like, you’re in the fuckin’ bathtub. We wouldn’t be there in 15 minutes If we were where you said we were. But i told her, i said, you get there at 5:30, You can fly with me, but let me tell you something, sugar tits. At 5:31, I am wheels up, and i am fucking gone. I said that. Not very loud. But i said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No. – Do I leave? – Audience: no! No. 6:01 gets there, is she there? No. Do i leave? No. Why? Because this dick won’t suck itself, that’s why. It won’t. I’ve asked it to many, many times. In fact, the other day, I sat my dick down, I looked him straight in the eye, And I said, listen… I know I’ve drug you into some pretty muddy shit In the last 35 years. I need you to get past that, learn how to suck yourself, So I can grow a spine, And get on with my goddamn life. It went in one ear and out the other. My dick has ears. It has an eye, And it has two ears, And a double chin. Mr. Potato dick. The cutest thing you ever saw. I got little outfits to put on him. One of ’em’s a raincoat. Not a condom, a raincoat. Little yellow slicker with that hat. Looks like that fish and chips dude. It’s the exact same size as the one on the box. That’s just an interesting fact. What is it, ron? An interesting fact. Anyway, so we go see Love, The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show. I’m a huge fan of the Beatles. I just love their music, always have, And cirque’s always fun. Our show’s are at the same time, So i’d never been able to see it. I got eight people from my camp, My wife’s sittin’ next to me. We have great seats because i work for the mirage. Everything’s perfect, except… Right behind me, these two chicks Are just jabberin’. Not about the show, just jabberin’. Just jabber jabber, can’t shut up. Jabber jabber, won’t shut up. Jabber fuckin’ jabber fuckin’ jabber jabber. The kind of chicks that could talk around a blow job. I told my dave, if you don’t fix that goddamn screen door, I’m gonna… I come home one more time, that baby got a shitty diaper Wrapped around his ass, I’m gonna goddamn… …go to the swap meet, get a dress to wear to arby’s… And i turn around and look, I notice their husbands weren’t with ’em. I figure they’re at a gun show tryin’ to find A way out of this fuckin’ thing. Oh, that’s way better. I hear the guy sittin’ next to ’em go, “Hey, could you hold it down? My family’s tryin’ to watch the show.” She goes, “fuck you. We paid our money. We’ll do whatever the hell we want.” I was steamin’ fuckin’ pissed. They’re ruining my goddamn night. I can’t hear anything but that. I’ve been waitin’ for a year to fuckin’ see this show. And i turned around, and very politely… Don’t start with me. Very politely, i said, Lady, talkin’ during live theater, As far as social skills go, Is just like shittin’ in the street. She goes, “you better mind your own business.” I said, you better quit shittin’ in the street. She goes, “I’ll have you thrown outta here.” I said, if you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster. Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that one. Then, 1,700 people hear me goin’, If you don’t quit flappin’ your fuckin’ cock holster… This all at a show called love, by the way. I had her murdered and buried in the desert. Vegas, baby. Careful who you fuck with. And legend has it, if you go out into the desert, And the moon is full, And the wind dies down, You could still hear her jabberin’. “I’m a street shitter. I’m shittin’ in the street.” “Did you… What the fuck was that?” “That’s that chick Ron killed.” They call this jabber gulch. My favorite thing about playin’ Vegas is I get to play this golf course called Shadow Creek, which is one of the most exclusive golf courses in the world. I worked for ’em three years, didn’t even know it existed, because they knew if I found out it existed, that I’d pester the fuck out of ’em till they put it in my contract, which is exactly what happened. It’s amazing. This golf course is just so fuckin’ tricked out. The first time I walked through the gates, I was, like, nobody’s stoppin’ me. It’s where all the pros play when they’re in Vegas. I was out there this summer, and Tiger Woods was out there, just dickin’ around. I met him, he signed my golf glove. He’s the most famous person I’ve ever met, and I know a lot of famous people, but nobody as famous as Tiger fuckin’ Woods. I love Tiger, man. I defended Tiger. When all that stuff first came out, when I heard those initial rumors, I felt sick to my goddamn stomach for the guy, because I’ve never been accused of doin’ anything I didn’t do. Not one goddamn time. I did it every single time. Not once could i go, no, that was Glen Campbell. Hey, a lot of things smell like strippers. And i defended him to my wife. I said, you don’t know what this guy’s been through. Hit his first famous golf shot on television When he was two years old. You don’t know what his home life’s like. You can’t judge the guy ’cause he made one mistake. Then he gets caught with number 13, 14, 15, 16. I started goin’, goddamn, tiger. Come on, buddy. And it got to the point where every time He got caught with another woman, My wife would go like this. What?! I don’t even know the fuckin’ guy. You’re actin’ like i was holdin’ his dick the whole time. We watched him make that long apology on television, And afterwards, my wife goes, “Do you think a guy like tiger Could quit cheatin’ on his wife?” I said… You bet. Which you know is bullshit, ‘Cause you know as well as i do, If a guy likes strange, gettin’ him to quit wantin’ strange Is like gettin’ a dog who likes to kill chickens to quit killin’ chickens. They don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about. You gotta quit killin’ chickens. All right, let me see if i got this straight. I can still kill chickens. No, you can’t kill chickens anymore. All right. Let’s say I’m in a hotel room with a chicken. Let’s say the chicken just wants to touch me. Can i kill that chicken? No. My wife told me all women want the same thing. They wanna marry somebody who will never have sex with anybody else, no matter what. I said, well, maybe you should consider marryin’ somebody that nobody else wants to fuck. If it means that much to you. Don’t marry the most famous golfer in the world. Marry the most famous frisbee golfer in the world. Ain’t no line to fuck that dude. We had a chat about cheatin’ that day. My wife told me, she goes, listen, let’s get this straight. Sex is sex. Period. I said, now, wait a minute. Oral sex is not the same as intercourse. She goes, it’s the exact same thing. I said, it’s not the same price. I heard that on the radio. It all comes down to opportunity, man. Some guys are put into a position where they have to say no to beautiful women, and that is hard to do. Some guys are never put in that position, And that’s way fuckin’ easier. I see these big 350-Pound guys all the time goin’, I have never cheated on my wife. I’ll bet that was tough. Tiger doesn’t get any credit For all that pussy he turned down, And that’s the number you’re lookin’ for right there. My wife’s best friend, her husband cheated on her, and my wife hates tiger’s guts, and I’m like, what about that guy? You don’t hate that guy. She goes, he did it one time. I said, he had one chance. This guy had sex with 100% of the women He possibly could his entire goddamn life. Tiger was 18 for 82,000. That takes a little goddamn discipline right there. If 82,000 women wanna have sex with you, and you only fuck 18 of ’em, that’s… love. He was in love with that woman. She broke his tiny Tiger heart. He lost all those sponsors, which never made sense to me. ‘Cause his core fan base is men, And I don’t know one guy in America who gave a fiddler’s fuck what he did. I guarantee you, not one guy in America went, really? Tiger got some straight pussy? I’m droppin’ at&t. Not one guy gave a fiddler’s fuck. When they were around their wives, they’d act like they gave a fiddler’s fuck. Get all foghorn leghorn. Why, i never! I can’t believe a man would commit such transgressions towards his wife. I say, i say, how’s his relationship with the lord, I’d like to know. Then as soon as they’re around their buddies, It’s, like, i wonder what kind of cologne he wears. I wanna smell just like that dude, man. He lost so many sponsors, I’m thinkin’ about Bringin’ him over to ron white inc. Not because we need a new face for the company, I’d just love to have somebody around the house To take the heat when i fuck up. “Ron white, you are the most selfish prick I have ever met in my life.” Tiger, get in here! You tell her what you did. “Ron white, you are the finest man i have ever known. “I shall fall to my bended knee And suckle your penis.” Well, thank you, baby. Slow down. Watch out for those ears. My new year’s resolution this year was to lose some weight, try to get in better shape. I was workin’ on it yesterday, And i hurt my fat. I sprained my fat roll. Everybody in my camp’s on my ass About takin’ better care of myself. I’m, like, what? My wife bought me a bicycle, Thinkin’ i might ride it. It’s for sale. It’s a good deal, too. It’s like new. It’s got 750 yards on it. My wife wants me to start doin’ yoga with her, And i said, wait, baby, I’m not that flexible. She goes, you can bend over and touch your toes, can’t you? I said the only way i can touch my toes is if somebody cuts ’em off and hands ’em to me. I can’t even stand on one foot unless somebody’s shinin’ a flashlight in my eye. I thought this was funny. We were at my wife’s yoga school the other day, and they have a vegan restaurant there. My wife goes, why don’t we eat here? We’ve never eaten here. I said, fine, let’s eat here, ‘Cause this dick won’t suck itself. It’s all about compromise, folks. And i take my tray around to all the bean sprout piles, And i get to the cash register, and my tray is empty. And the purple dreadlock-Haired kid who runs the cash register goes, Mr. White, aren’t you gonna have something for lunch? I said, there’s just nothin’ here that I eat. He picks up a piece of carrot cake wrapped in cellophane, and he hands it to me. “Try this, it’s vegetarian.” The carrot cake… is vegetarian? He said yeah. I said, so you mean to tell me there’s no ham in this? ‘Cause my mother makes a meat-lovers’ carrot cake. It’s got sausage, pepperoni, hamburger meat. It’s not really heart healthy. She serves it with a lipitor and a stent. They have snuggies now for dogs, and i love dogs, But if i ever see a dog wearin’ a snuggie, I’m gonna kill it, because that’s what I think the dog would want me to do. I think if all dogs go to heaven, Michael Vick’s gonna be a little nervous if he makes the cut. Yeah. There’s gonna be an awkward pause at the pearly gates. Really? They’re all here? Yeah, seems like they’re waitin’ on you, too, mike. I’m gonna slip off to hell. Tell Bin Laden I said fuck you. We got bin laden. It took ten years. It wasn’t exactly a calf rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would’ve shot my fuckin’ self. I’d have had my head out the window screamin’ at drones. I’m over here! Women. We have a little french bulldog named Pearl, And the other day, my wife said, “I finally figured it out. “That dog is jealous of me. “That dog loves you so much, She can’t stand it if I’m in the same room with you.” I said, oh, don’t be ridiculous. And she walked into the kitchen. When she did, pearl jumped on my stomach and said, “I can have all your babies at the same time.” “She’s comin’ back. Act like nothin’s goin’ on.” Nothin’ is goin’ on. I didn’t know whether to buy more of that weed, Or never smoke it again. I went with… “a.” I got busted with weed in Florida last year. Less than a gram of weed, And they took my happy ass to jail. I been partyin’ in Florida for years. I didn’t even know they had laws. Looked to me like everybody just run amuck down there. I’ll run amuck with you. I’ll run the fuck out of amuck with you. They took me to jail, man. I tell you what happened. I fired these two pilots for bein’ dickheads, And they were such dickheads, They started followin’ my plane around On a software called flight aware, And if you know the tail number, You can follow any plane in the world anywhere it goes. Right before i’d land in a town, They’d call the cops, tell ’em it was a drug plane, So the cops would come fuck with me. That’s pretty fuckin’ funny. Then they were on the news in Atlanta where i live, Both of these assholes, live on the news goin’, “Ron White is out of control. “He gets drunk on his plane, he smokes pot on his plane, He has sex on his plane.” I’m, like, this is my plane we’re talkin’ about, right? It’s not like i did that shit on a delta flight, For fuck’s sake. No, my phone’s off. My wife got pissed at me When i got busted with that weed, And she smokes pot. What the fuck is up with that? I come home, she goes, “You smoke too much pot.” I said, oh, let me get this straight. You smoke the correct amount of pot. You ever smoke so much pot, your wife starts to make sense? Me either. I have this recurring dream that my wife gets run over by a bus. Does that make me a bad person? I’m drivin’ the bus. Aaahhh! She’s had enough. Early last year in Florida, at sea world in Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale. Huh. Turns out there’s a reason they didn’t name ’em ocean ponies. Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill. Pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I’m not sure how the sperm whale got his name, but I’m not gettin’ in the pool. That whale got his job back. They put that whale back in the show. When I first saw it on the internet, I thought this’ll be world news. Wasn’t even news at all. They put the whale back. This whale killed three people. This is a serial killer whale. And he got his job back? If that would’ve happened at sea world in Texas, that whale would’ve gone straight to the fuckin’ electric pool. And that’s just a regular pool with a toaster thrown in it. People think they’re expensive to make, but it’s, like 14 bucks. You can reuse the extension cord. People don’t know that. Get another toaster. They busted a sushi restaurant last year in L.A., sellin’ whale, and they fined ’em 200,000 bucks. That is so fuckin’ wrong, man, To take a 50,000-pound majestic animal, And serve it up two tiny slices at a time. Oh, that’s good. Got any more? “Shit, yeah, we do.” “We have a shit ‘road.'” “We make a big commitment. I don’t know how it got caught.” Maybe that 14-foot fin hangin’ out of the dumpster. “I shoulda crosed the rid.” Yeah. Probably should’ve crosed the rid. I live in Atlanta half the year, and last summer in Atlanta, an idiot teenager was decapitated at a major amusement park in Atlanta on a very famous roller coaster. What I thought happened was he was on the ride, stood up and got his head cut off. That’s not what happened. What happened was, while he was on the ride, his hat flew off. When he got off the ride, he climbed over two fences, and went through two gates tellin’ him not to, to retrieve his hat, which it turns out, he didn’t really need, after all. Why, that story’s drippin’ with irony, mr. White. The part of the show where I prove my job is better than yours. Cheers. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for comin’ out on a Saturday and listening. I was at home last week, And my nephew called our house, and I never answer the phone at my house ever. I think he was surprised that i did. I answer the phone, he goes, uncle Ron, is that you? I said, yeah, it’s me. He goes, uncle Ron, Did you know it’s okay to be gay? This is why I don’t answer the fuckin’ phone in my house right there. Now it’s my problem. I’m, like, well, you’re right. It is okay to be gay. Do you know what gay means? He goes, that’s where a man likes a man, or a woman likes a woman, but they can’t have babies. Pretty close. You believe at six years old, this kid knows what gay means? I didn’t find out what gay meant till I started hitchhiking. I wrote a book, Seven silly secrets truckers just don’t want you to know. My wife and I are big fans of the reality TV show on HBO called Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. It’s a reality show about the pornography industry In the San Fernando Valley, which is where most of it’s made. And we bought the first season, ’cause it’s fuckin’ hilarious. This one episode was about guys that were straight porn stars, but were doing gay porn ’cause it pays five times the money, And they’re interviewing this guy, and he goes, “Yeah, I was in a scene yesterday with five guys at the same time, and I’m not even gay.” I was, like, you’re gayer than I am. If you can even think of what to do with five dicks at the same time, you’re way fuckin’ gayer than I am. This is the gay part of my show. I was at dinner the other night with this CBS executive who I’ve known for years. Great fuckin’ dude, man. He’s gay, and I never said a word to him about bein’ gay. I just knew that he was. We’re havin’ dinner in Beverly Hills, and talkin’ about a potential show, And this chick walks into the restaurant, This L.A. Smokin’ fuckin’ hot, man, Probably an actress or a model. She was a milf, which means, I don’t care if she has children. I don’t think the letters line up, But that’s what it means. She sits at a table kinda near us by herself, And I’d had a couple of bottles of wine with dinner, And a couple of scotches before that, And i was pretty drunk. I said, you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you? And he looked at her and he goes, “Not a thing.” I said, you mean, You would rather have sex with me than her? “Not by much.” What if i lost some weight? I’m doin’ yoga. And I’m eatin’ ham-Free carrot cake. My dick has ears. That’s my favorite thing about L.A. Is the people out there are just so goddamn pretty, man. I’ll tell you how it happened. Back in the’20s, they started makin’ movies out there, And when they did, all these beautiful people From all over america flocked the fuck out there To be in the movies. They couldn’t all be in the movies. Some of ’em got regular jobs, But they met those people that were in the movies. They got together, they had these beautiful babies, And those babies grew up and met other babies From the same area, they got together, And had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing Is happenin’ right now in Kansas. Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It’s true. Those people that live on the fuckin’ west coast, Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, And fought hardships you and i can’t even dream of, With starvation and weather and crossin’ the rocky mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon trail, St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas, said, fuck it, I’m stayin’ here, And I’m gonna fuck that fat girl right over there. “We had a baby. It looks like a potato.” And that potato grew up and met another potato From the same town. Abracadabra… topeka! My wife came home with a story the other day. She goes, “i was in the produce department today, And this guy told me i was beautiful.” Well, baby, he’s right. You are beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Well, I’m sayin’ it now. You’re beautiful. “Yeah, but he said it.” Really? You ever overdraw his checkin’ account? You ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the fuckin’ garage door? Has that ever happened to that guy? It happened to me, and i think you’re so hot, I’d fuck you anyway. And if you’re one of these guys goin’ around in grocery stores tellin’ married women they’re beautiful, Hey, fuck you. Kill your own chicken, you mother… My wife’s best friend has an autistic child named Louis. Louis is 12 years old. He is the sweetest child i have ever known. I’ve known him since he was six. We were at their house labor day, And Louis informed me that he was gonna run the 40-Yard dash for the special Olympics at Gwinnett high school near where I live in Atlanta, And he asked me if I’d come root for him. And i said, louis, I’d love to come root for you. I just need to check my schedule. And he goes, “we checked it, you’re clear.” Well, then, I’m your man, Louis. And i got to admit, I was dreadin’ it, Then i ended up havin’ fun. I thought it was gonna be sad. That’s why I was dreadin’ it. It’s a celebration is what it is. People were tailgatin’. They’re not paintin’ their faces and bellies blue, But they’re cookin’ sausages, gettin’ hammered, bettin’ on these races. Make no mistake about it. They are bettin’ on these races. And it’s not easy to handicap a race. You got 17 special needs kids in six lanes, You don’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen When they fire that startin’ pistol. They could scatter. Stop, drop and roll. We saw it all that day. They’re not drug testin’ these kids. And they announced the 40-Yard dash, And i was makin’ a little wager On my man Louis, which i did for 100 bucks. I was lookin’ down at the track. I’m up in the stands, and I’m tryin’ to figure out Which one’s Louis, which isn’t easy, ‘Cause they all wear the exact same thing. They wear special Olympics t-Shirts, Special Olympics shorts, which they got that day. But you can wear whatever footwear you want, And Louis, for whatever reason, They had chosen yellow rubber boots. Which didn’t make sense at first, And then, it started rainin’. Fuck, if this thing goes off-Road… I got a natural mudder. And Louis won. The yellow blur. That’s what i call him now, the yellow blur. He loves that nickname. His mother called me the other day. She goes, “would you please call Louis the yellow blur?” Put him on the phone. You’re the yellow blur. Bing! It’s not like professional sports. You go to a Lakers game, you wave at Kobe Bryant till your arm falls off, He won’t wave back to you. Louis waved back to you in the middle of the fuckin’ race. He doesn’t give a shit. Louis is fan friendly. Louis’ll stop and sign an autograph. The yellow blur. I took my son tater tot to Europe this summer. My son is 21 years old now. He’s in college. He’s gettin’ his master’s in entertainment business. He’s a great kid. I’m so proud of him. He’s smart, he’s funny. He has my brains, high-End peaks, Without my low-End problems. That’s some good goddamn news for dad to hear. We’ve been monitorin’ it. He’s funny. I was doin’ a corporate gig in Orlando where he goes to college, and i was backstage with him. I don’t get asked to do a ton of corporate gigs, ‘Cause what do you want your corporate image to be? We were hopin’ for an overweigh alcoholic That smokes and cusses. Let’s call Louis, see if Ron’s free. Anyway, I’m backstage in the green room with my son, And i wear wild socks. And because i do, people give me bizarre socks, For whatever reason. I’m backstage with my son, I’m puttin’ on these weird socks, And marshall goes, “uh, dad, uh… Those socks are gay.” I said, chicks dig these socks. He goes, “chicks wear those socks.” All right, he’s my kid. You can stop those tests. I love his mom, man. His mom’s great. She’s my second wife. I never argued with her ever. She didn’t wanna be married to somebody That was always gonna be on the road. The only argument i ever remember havin’ with her Was when he was a toddler, About whether or not we should spank him. Her contention was that if you had an argument With an adult, and you disagreed with him, You certainly wouldn’t hit him. I said, i would if they peed in my face. I’m not kiddin’. Pee in my face, See what the fuck happens. She busted him with internet porn when he was 15, And i felt so sorry for him. She called me, just squawkin’. And i felt horrible for the kid, ‘Cause when i was 15, i was so horny, I could jack off to the sears catalog, And that’s just big-Girl panties and lawn mowers. I can’t imagine bein’ 15 years old, And havin’ an unstoppable stream of pornography Piped straight into your goddamn bedroom. When i was a kid, i had to earn porn, man. You had to wait till your friend’s dad Went out of town on business, You had to pull down a rickety spring-Loaded attic ladder, You had to crawl up into a dusty, spider-ridden fuckin’ crawlspace, Forage through cardboard boxes Till you find an eight-Millimeter reel, Then what? Learn how to work a fuckin’ projector, that’s what! And after all that, You got silent, bushy porn. And if there was a soundtrack, It was always so fucked up, you couldn’t understand it. “He gonna stick his finger in her ear?” “No, his penis in her rear. Watch the movie.” We had one friend that was two years younger than us, And he went, “she put it in her mouth!” “I didn’t know she was gonna put it in her mouth!” “She’s gonna need to brush her teeth.” Not yet, but she will. Watch the film. Note to self: put it in her mouth. So Laurie told me, that’s my ex-Wife’s name. She goes, “you’re gonna need to talk to your son about sex. It’s time.” I said, you’re right, it is. She goes, “when are you gonna do it, Ron?” I said, he’s gonna be at the house this weekend, So i’ll talk to him then. And she said, “okay, fine.” I said, marshall, turn off the television. Turn it off. I need to talk to you. I said, i wanna talk to you about sex. “Oh, dad, come on.” Nope, you’re 15 years old, it’s time we had this talk. He goes, okay. I said, the clitoris is as sensitive as an eyeball. “Is that it?” That’s all i got. Don’t go rubbin’ on it if it’s dry. Turn that TV back on, boy. “What about safe sex, dad?” Yeah, it’s never safe, their husbands always come home. That’s a fuckin’ myth. He’s so smart, man. I just can’t believe how smart kids are today. He can answer any question that you can come up with In two seconds, off his phone. He’s a computer freak anyway, but you ask any question, Doesn’t matter… World geography, world history, A note in a song written 300 years ago. There it is. When i was a kid, i had to believe my mother. That’s it, that’s all i had. Mommy, where do rainbows come from? “Well, 3,000 years ago, “An 800-year-old man named Noah “Was commissioned by the lord to build a giant ship, And all the animals, two by two.” You try to run that crap by a kid today. They’re, like, click, click. Bullshit. Click, click. Porn. People fuckin’ on my phone. If my mother didn’t know the answer to a question, I had to go to the library, Which is a building. Where they used to store the knowledge. Now it’s just a place where homeless people piss. My mother used to drop me off at the library when i was a kid, And i was always so intimidated by it, ‘Cause it was so big, And you had to be quiet, ‘Cause the knowledge is sleeping. You had to learn a decimal system Made up by some fuck named Dewey. Then you had to peruse a 100,000-Square-Foot building With volumes of knowledge from floor to ceiling, Ceiling to floor. You had to cross-Reference Dewey’s bullshit With the author’s name and the card catalog. And you finally get to the place Where the knowledge you seek is supposed to be, And it might not fuckin’ be there. “Where’s the knowledge that i seek?” “Yeah, somebody else has got it.” “When are they gonna bring it back?” “They keep it for a month for a nickel.” “How am I supposed to learn what i need to know?” “You asked your mother?” “My mother doesn’t know how to work a projector. She’s in dental school, for fuck sake.” Don’t try to do the math on that bit. It’ll just fuck you up. A guy actually stopped my show a few weeks ago, And he goes, wait a minute now. If this summer, you were back in Las Vegas, that’s when you broke your tooth. That’s when your mother went to dental school. And now, you’re seven years old, You’re saying your mother… I’m, like… Dude, really? You had no problem with pearl jumpin’ on my stomach, And sayin’ she could have all my babies at the same time. But the math on this one joke has got you so fucked up, you just have to talk. Tell you, the internet changed everything, And it certainly changed the way people don’t buy music. The record industry is on its ear, man, Because what they manufacture became easier to steal Than it is to buy, And that’s just a fact of nature these days. They’ll figure it out, But i used to sell millions of comedy albums, And now, it’s hard to sell ’em, ‘Cause it’s just so easy to fuckin’ rip it off. Just click, click, outta my I.R.A., into your i-Fuckin’-Pod. When i was a kid, you had to get a ride to sears, Which is a building. You had to find the record department on your own, then you had to cram a twelve-inch by twelve-inch album down your shorts then you had to spongebob squarepants it with Led Zeppelin II crammed down your fuckin’ pants, hopin’ nobody was gonna catch your ass. That’s stealin’ music! We didn’t have viagra. You had to like somebody to fuck ’em. I’m kiddin’. You didn’t either. You didn’t either. Grudge-Fuck the hell outta them. We didn’t have blue mountains on our beer cans To tell you if they were cold. You had to open the refrigerator, Reach in there and touch that beer can, Or you’d never know. But somebody, somewhere went, “If we only had some sort of thermostat “On each individual can, “Like the mountains changing color, To see the optimum drinking temperature.” Thank you, rocky mountain. Even though your beer tastes like ass. Those mountains should turn brown. So i tour, that’s what i do. I go from city to city to city to city. I’ve done it for 27 years. I’ve been comin’ to Austin all 27 of those years, from the Velveeta room to the laff stop, to the capitol city comedy club, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount, to the paramount. It’s my favorite room in the whole wide fuckin’ world. I tour with my wife usually, And I love to tour with my wife, because I only have sex with my wife. I don’t have sex with other women. I been married three times, and that has not always been my policy. When I was young, I used to talk to my cousins about this race we were gonna have to see who gets married first. I came in second, fourth and seventh. I feel like my wife misled me a little bit when we first got together, because when we first got together, she was all about, you know what? I don’t ever wanna have children. I’m just one of those women that never felt the urge to give birth. And I don’t like real diamonds. I don’t like ’em ’cause of that blood diamond thing. You know what I like to do? Suck dick and cook. I like to suck dick, and I like to cook. In fact, when I’m not cookin’, I’m suckin’ dick, and when I’m not suckin’ dick, I’m cookin’. In fact, if there was a way I could suck your dick while I was cookin’, if we got a stool, and you stood on it, and I could blow you while I’m scramblin’ some eggs, wearin’ fake jewelry, not havin’ a baby, all at the same time… That would be heaven for me. Fuck! Me, too. Cut to five years later. She’s on the phone with China tryin’ to adopt a baby, she got a diamond on her finger looks like a solar fuckin’ heating unit, I’m jackin’ off, eatin’ a TV dinner. Wonder what she’s got on under that snuggie. I’ll bet she’s naked as shit under that snuggie. We have a great sex life. You ever 69 someone so long, you start to miss each other? Then the snow turned to rain. I love you. April, may. I need some food. And we could both use a shave. We did it one time so long, it turned into another number. What is this, a 71? You have your toe in my nose. What the fuck? My wife has a new move in the bedroom. My wife’s new move in the bedroom is… look at me. Look at me. Open your eyes, Ron. Look at me. And that’s a lot of pressure. It is. To look into the eyes of the woman you love while you’re makin’ love, and look deep into her soul, and still see another woman. What the fuck are you doin’ here? I thought you got hit by a bus. I’m great at sex, I come every time. I’m, like, 4,000 in a row or some ridiculous goddamn number. Gifted, really, i guess. My wife’s maybe a third as good as me. I don’t think she’s tryin’. I asked her the other day, What’s the fuckin’ problem here, baby? She goes, well, for one thing, there’s a fat, sweaty guy layin’ on top of me. That’d break my concentration. Get off me, dude, I’m tryin’ to come. That’s not true. When I’m about to come, I have the focus of a navy seal. Afterwards, I lay there like a wounded manatee. Poke him with a stick, see if he moves. My wife gives the best head, if you ever have a chance. First time my wife gave me a blow job, my hands went numb. I’m, like, I’m either havin’ a stroke, or this girl knows her way around a weiner. And I told her when she got finished, I said, that’s the best damn blow job I ever had in my life, by a lot. She goes, I know, it’s kinda weird, ’cause I used to be not that good at it. I was talkin’ to my friend Ted the florist that lived down the street, and I just asked him how he does it. You suck my dick like Ted the florist? That motherfucker knows what he’s doin’, I’ll tell ya that. Now every time I see Ted, I’m, like, you oughta open a school, dude. Call it Ted’s head. Two lips for every occasion. You could open a head and breakfast. Then what would my slogan be? Food. It’s the only thing that doesn’t suck. You guys have been fantastic. I’m gonna close with… So nobody’s watchin’ the dogs, I guess. I’ll try to get pearl to play bite my face. Pearl’s favorite thing. She can have all my babies at the same time. Her favorite thing in the world is for me to bite her face, ’cause she’s like a billy goat, fuckin’ elbow or whatever, it has no feeling in it. So if I lay down on the floor, sometimes… she didn’t do it last show, so you have to be quiet. If I tell her to bite my face, she’ll run and jump up, and land her mouth right on my face, so I’ll bite it, so, sh, sh. Let’s try it. Well, that went way better than I thought it would. Now I’m gonna close the show this evening with my Dr. Phil story. Dr. Phil McGraw is a friend of mine. We play golf together all the time In Los Angeles, and he’s a great guy. You never know… we became friends From him bein’ a fan. And you never know, if you see somebody on TV, what they’re gonna be like in person. Doc’s a solid fuckin’ dude. I guarantee that. He’s straight as he can be, but he’s a great fuckin’ hang, and he’s a great asset for me. My father passed away when I was young, and now, I’m in this big business world, and I can bounce all these things that I have goin’ on off of doc and his 35 lawyers. And that’s a big deal for me. I’m really good friends with his son, Jay McGraw. And, uh, anyway, the other day, I was talkin’ to my son about self-esteem, and a few days later, I was playin’ golf with doc, and I said, doc, if you were gonna tell somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are, what would it be? He said, finish the things you start. I said, that’s brilliant. And I went home, and there was a half a bottle of scotch sittin’ on the counter. I think I know what he’s gettin’ at. That’s not my Dr. Phil story. Here’s my Dr. Phil story. Every year, doc and his family rent a yacht for 12 days in the Mediterranean, and that’s their vacation. It’s the only way he can get away. ‘Cause he is the most famous person in America. He’s the most recognizable face, 6’4″, bald dome head, porn mustache. You can spot him from any fuckin’ where. And because he seems so approachable on television, and he really is approachable, I mean, a sweetheart of a dude, but people are always… Anytime he goes out in public, “Oh, what about this…” and that’s fine at first, but eventually, it will eat the skin off your fuckin’ bones If you can’t walk out of your house Without somebody goin’, “Hey, my brother-In-Law is all fucked up… “Come back here. Asshole!” And that’s exactly how it happens. I’ve seen it. So that’s what they do. Well, last… this summer, My wife and i went on vacation to france and monaco, And i need a break, too, sometimes. I do 140 cities a year. I do more dates than any other comic… More cities than any other comic workin’ today, ‘Cause i just love fuckin’ doin’ it, And 20 minutes from now, Nobody’s gonna give a fuck about what i have to say. While they do, i believe i’ll do a lot of shows. Hey. So we’re in france and monaco, And havin’ a great time. We’re just… I’m really in love with my wife. She’s so much fun, so talented. We have a fun life together. And we’re there, and one day, the phone rings, And it’s doc, and he goes, Aren’t you guys in monaco? And i said yeah. He goes, we’re gonna be in monaco tomorrow. Why don’t you come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah. Which is what you say if somebody says, You wanna come party on the yacht? You go, fuck, yeah. In fact, let’s try it one time. You wanna come party on the yacht? Audience: fuck, yeah! I don’t have a yacht. So i was, like, yeah, fuck, this is great. We’re excited. We were down there, stayin’ at the fairmont hotel, Overlookin’ the little yacht harbor in monaco. Very cool place. We were down there lookin’ at the yachts the day before, Goin’, wouldn’t it be cool if you knew somebody That had one of these things? You could just hop on it and fuckin’ throw the fuck down. And it’s everybody’s yacht, man. This is yacht heaven. This is steve wynn’s yacht. Prince albert of monaco’s yacht. This is that russian dude with the tiny giraffes. Anyway, they’re comin’ in at 6:30 the next evening, So the next morning, we wake up… The next afternoon, we wake up. We go have this amazing lunch, We’re drinkin’ this fuckin’ great wine From france probably. That’d be my guess. If i had to guess, And i did… Have to guess. France. And we’re just havin’ a great, great day. Sex and just a fuckin’… And then, we go down to the fuckin’ harbor That evening, 6:30, sure enough, Doc’s backin’ in a 165-Foot yacht. I’m not sure that’s how they do it. So the only way to get on the yacht Is to walk on this gangplank to get on the yacht, And I’m walkin’ on the gangplank goin’, Nobody’s stoppin’ me. We get on the yacht, and there’s our friends from california, Halfway around the world. Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? How much fun are we havin’? I’m huggin’ everybody. There’s a bunch of people on the yacht. Any time I’m huggin’ you, and I’m in a strange place, What I’m really doin’ is lookin’ over your shoulder, tryin’ to find a bar. That’s why I’m turning you. And i see the bar, And right in the dead front center of the bar Is a bottle of famous black grouse, Which is a scotch i started drinkin’ When I was in Scotland For the open championship in turnberry. And you start lookin’ at what the scots drink, And that’s what they drink. I’m, like, oh, fuck, yes. And they have a bottle of it. It’s kinda hard to find. And the bartender poured me a big old glass of whiskey, Way bigger than this one. And I’m in such a great mood, It tasted better than i ever tasted any fuckin’ scotch ever. I’m, like, oh, good lord. That tastes like butter honey Aged in lindsay lohan’s pussy. It tasted so good, i decided to skip dinner, And just have a couple more of ’em. Scare me up another one of these. How about one more? All right. I hadn’t had a drink since lunch. I was thirsty. I was goin’ at it, you know. And doc noticed i was really drinkin’ hard, And he goes, you’re really drinkin’ tonight, Ron. I said, yeah, doc, some nights, It just tastes like spring water. He goes, why don’t you just drink spring water, ron? I don’t know. I’m not a fuckin’ doctor. So this is goin’ on for fuckin’ hours. Now they really love Margo. They really love my wife Margo. Margo’s sung on dr. Phil’s show a few times, And they go everywhere to see her. And margo’s a four-And-A-Half octave Classically trained opera singer That sings rock and roll and jazz and whatever. She’s been singin’ here for years. And robin mcgraw loves to goad my wife into singin’, And my wife loves to be goaded into singin’, So they make a great little fuckin’ team. So we’re on the back of this yacht, And Robin goes, come on, margo, sing for us. And margo gets up. There’s people in the back, partyin’ on all these yachts. Bars on the pier, people out there. And margo gets up and she sings, And they love jazz in france and monaco. They have jazz clubs all over the place. And she gets up and she sings a jazz standard In full voice, Which i don’t get to hear her sing in full voice. She sings around the house, but not at full voice. When she sings in full voice, It makes me cry. Oh, no. And she finishes the first song at full voice, And people stand up on the back of all these yachts, And start cheerin’. They’re, yeah! I’m, like, how cool is this, man? They really dig jazz. I forgot how much they dig jazz. She gets up and sings another song, Fuckin’ screamin’. People are gatherin’ up around the back of the boat. By song four, there’s 400 people Behind the boat, listenin’ to her sing. You could hear a pin drop. Just like this… pin drop. And she’s just killin’ it. And i have a little secret. I am fuckin’ hammered, man. I am so drunk. I can’t even believe it my fuckin’ self, How drunk i am. I’m, like, jesus christ. I’d get a drink, And i’d take one little sip out of it, Then talk to somebody, i look back and it’s empty. Anybody else drinkin’ out of this glass? Miscalculations. Anyway, she does seven or eight songs, And she goes, okay, guys, that’s enough. And she sits down, and doc goes, Well, ron, you wanna do somethin’? Now i gotta preface this with, He’s on vacation with his best friend And head lawyer and his wife mary pat, And they’re baptists from dallas, And they’re a little fuckin’ straight. And they’re about to find out my secret. About 20 years ago, I was doin’ a bit that was so vile, That i only did it for about a week, and i just quit doin’ it. This is not the direction i wanna take my crowd For my show. I have no idea why i picked that night To dust her off and take her for a spin. The other day, i was tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower. Right before i came, my dick slipped And went straight down her tracheal tube. Here’s the moral question: Do you pull out… Or dump a load into her lungs? Yachts are pullin’ up anchor on both sides of us, As fast as they can pull ’em up. They’re leavin’ the harbor so fast, There’s a surfable wake. There’s a stampede of tiny giraffes Divin’ off the pier, Swimmin’ towards the ocean and certain death. People are pullin’ their kids off the pier. I went, i don’t think they heard me. I’m gonna do it again. Doc goes, that’s enough out of you, ron. And margo’s tappin’ me out. You ever been tapped out? Come on, baby, it’s time to go. She’s seen it. Come on, honey, let’s just go back to the hotel. It’s time for us to go. Come on, baby. Baby, let’s just go back to the hotel. Come on now, ron. And i speak fluent drunk. That means, i don’t know why you wanna leave. I’m having a perfectly good time. Turns out there was a consensus. Okay, i’ll leave. The only way to get off the ship Is to walk back off that gangplank, And at the end of the gangplank, There’s an 18-Inch drop-Off. And my wife’s in front of me, margo’s in front of me. I get to the end of the gangplank, Doc goes, big step, ron. I said, thanks, doc, Thinkin’ i’d made a big step towards something, i don’t know. He’s the big psychologist, not me. It’s amazing how much speed you can pick up In 18 inches. It’s nothin’ like falling over on the same level That you’re already on. I slammed down to that fuckin’ pier. I landed square on this elbow, Dislocated this shoulder, Put a four-Inch gash down the back of my arm, And i was so drunk, I just bounced off that pier. Fade to black. I wake up the next morning with the shoe buddies. All i can do is lay there in bed and go, Shoe buddy. I can’t move my shoulder. Shoe buddy. My shirt’s stuck to my arm with blood And giraffe hair, And whatever the fuck else you’d find on a pier. Shoe buddy. I have a wet jolly rancher in my armpit. Sour apple. Had to cut it out with a pair of scissors. You almost can’t eat ’em after that. Shoe buddy. I slowly opened my achin’ fuckin’ eyes, And there’s margo. What happened? You got really drunk last night, ron. What’d i do? Well, you did the tit-Fuckin’ mamie eisenhower story. Did mary pat laugh? Mary pat left, is what mary pat did. Shoe buddy. You think they’re gonna invite us back over To party on the yacht today? I don’t know what’s gonna happen now, ron. I don’t know. Walks out of the room, slams the door. I just started beratin’ myself. I’m, like, why you do that, ron? Why do you get so drunk And screw things up for other people? Why can’t you drink like a regular goddamn person? Is that too much to ask? You have a wonderful son and a beautiful wife, a great career. Why don’t you make some changes in your life That will make a difference in the long run, And about then, the phone rang, and it was doc. He goes, you guys gonna come party on the yacht? I said, fuck, yeah! Thanks for playin’ along. I’ve never performed for a better crowd In my goddamn life. Bless your hearts for listening so intently. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RUSSELL PETERS: ALMOST FAMOUS (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-almost-famous-2016-full-transcript/

-Yeah, Russell! Oi, Russell! Your mother is so fat. What the hell did you say to me? Do I look like Ryan’s mom? Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad. Oh, DDR. So good. His best buddy is in the house. Best what? Best buddy. Oh, my God. Thank you. All right! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Canada’s own and the pride of Brampton, Ontario… Toronto, give it up for your hometown boy, Russell… Peters. Hey, thank you. Thanks. All right. There you are. There you are. There’s my city. Heh. That’s it. That’s what I’m talking about. Hey, give it up for, uh, DJ Spinbad and Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen. Live DJing. Live. Not dead. Live. Asian guy, how are you? Good. You’re looking very anime. -What style..? Are you Filipino? -Chinese. Chinese. That’s the main kind of Asian. That’s.. That’s the one they make the most of. They, uh… You can pick them up fairly cheap. They’re reasonably priced. They’re.. -Heh, what’s your name? -Kat Sang Bong. I’ll.. I’ll do the jokes now. Are you..? You doing comedy is like watching, well, you drive. Uh, that’s.. That’s.. How you guys doing? You good? All right. Hey, giant Asian guy. That’s a.. Crickey, you’re a big one. Um.. -What style of Asian are you? -Chinese. You’re Chinese. Look at that. -How tall are you? -Six feet. Six feet in.. In Chinese, that’s like… That’s like eight feet. Which in Chinese is a lucky number. So, that’s… -What’s your name? -Edward. Edward. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. No doubt. Absolutely I believe that. I, uh… -What’s your Chinese name, Edward? -I… I… I don’t know if you were hesitating or if that was your Chinese name. I… Well, that’s interesting. I… Oh, my God. I’m so glad this job worked out, guys, ’cause.. You can’t act like this in any other job. Do you realize that? I’d be in HR every day. -Russell, do you know why you’re here? -No. You insulted somebody. Who? Everybody. I’m not good at things Indian people are supposed to do. That’s why I do this shit for a living. Anything Indian people can do, I can’t do. I’m mad envious when I see Indian people doing smart, intelligent things that involve studying and learning how to do something good. I.. I do. Anytime I see.. Like doctors. How many doctors? Are there any doctors here tonight? Look at that. Only in my audience we have that many fucking doctors. Where’s the doctor over there? -What kind of doctor are you? -Gynecologist. Gynecologist. Oh, wow, that’s a.. Any openings? Oh, okay. All right. I… And where’s the other doctor? You, bro? -What kind of doctor are you? -Orthopedic. Orthopedic. Is that a real doctor? Let me ask the gynecologist. Uh. No. She says no. Where’s the other doctor? -And what are you? -Surgeon. Surgeon. That’s a real doctor, as far as I’m concerned. -What kind of surgeon? -General surgeon. Gen.. Genital surgeon? Is that what you said? Or general? Oh, general surgeon. Oh, yeah. That makes.. I was like, “Hey, you’re cutting into her business here.” So, out of the three doctors, you’re the least. Um… And that’s your buddy with the caterpillar on his forehead? Um, look at that eyebrow. That is fucking incredible. Get a shot of that. Oh, my God. That is.. That is impressive. That.. Damn, that’s a.. Springtime is here. That thing’s gonna turn into a butterfly in no time. I’m glad there’s real doctors here, is all I’m trying to say. ‘Cause I asked the audience one night, “Any doctors here?”, and this Indian guy got up all proud. He’s like, “I’m a doctor.” I go, “What kind of doctor are you?” “I’m a psychiatrist.” I’m like, “That’s not a doctor, ever.” An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor than a fucking psychiatrist. If shit goes down, you’re not hoping there’s a psychiatrist around. If you’re on an airplane, like, “There’s an emergency onboard. Do we have a doctor?” “I’m a doctor. I’m a psychiatrist.” “Sir, this gentleman’s having a heart attack.” “Fuck. All right. Uh.. Let me go talk to him. Sir? Sir? Sir, let go of your chest. Sir, what makes you think you’re having a heart attack right now? This goes back to his childhood.” What’s your name, Dr. Orthopedic? -Jamaal. -Jamaal. Oh, shit. -Where’s your family from? -Saudi. Saudi. Oh, shit. Double shit. Triple shit. We’re all in shit. Um… And where do you practice? Here, or there? -Hamilton. -Hamilton. Yeah. Ooh. I mean, oh, great! Being in Hamilton, you must miss, uh, Saudi. Um… And Dr. Genitals, uh… Dr. General Surgeon, what’s your name? -Sandeep. Oh, that’s my people right there, for sure. Got this shit on lock, Jamaal. And how long you been a doctor for? -Ten years. Oh, you’re brand new. Fuck that. I, uh.. How old are you? -Forty-one. How long did it take you to become a doctor? -A long time. -Sorry? -A long time. -A long time. Yeah, thanks. Okay. I think I was already implying that. I, uh.. I was actually asking for an actual timeline. -Where did you study? Here? -Yeah. Why didn’t you just go to India? You could become a doctor in four and a half years in India. If you go to India to become a doctor, four and a half years, and you’re a doctor. In North America, ten, 11, 12 years to become a doctor. You know why? ‘Cause we’re soft over here. Over here, they’re like, “They need the summer off, so their brains can relax.” India’s like, “Fuck you.” And they don’t learn less in India. They learn just as much, if not more. They just cram it into four and a half years. There’s a billion people, like, “We need doctors. Hurry up. Study, study, study.” Where did you grow up? -Mississauga. -Mississauga. Yeah. First of all, you can’t let out a.. A ‘hood “yeah!” It’s.. It’s Mississauga, you fucking dummies. All right? It’s not like.. It’s not even like, “Oh, shit!” It’s like, “Yeah, Mississauga.” It’s.. Mississauga, and he’s a doctor. How gangster do you think his life was? I gotta be honest with you, Sandeep, it’s nothing personal, but I would never go to you as a doctor. Um… I would never go to an Indian guy that became a doctor, especially one that was born and raised in this part of the world. Fuck that. If you were born and raised here, you had dreams, and it was never to become a doctor. Let’s be honest. I’d go to an Indian woman that became a doctor. Obviously, not you, ’cause, you know, I.. I have boy parts. But… I would go to an Indian woman that became a doctor. When an Indian woman becomes a doctor, that means she really wanted to be a doctor. Even her parents are like, “Sweetie, you don’t have to become a doctor. You can just marry a doctor.” And she’s like, “Fuck you. I wanna be a doctor.” I need that kind of determination from my doctor, you know? Well, you had dreams when you were 14 years old, right, Sandeep? And it wasn’t to be a doctor. That’s not what a 14-year-old dreams about. A 14-year-old… has dreams that are ridiculous. That.. That your dream at 14 should never be logical. It should be the dumbest shit you’re doing at 14. I’ll tell you what my dream was. It wasn’t to be a comedian. I didn’t even know this job existed. My dream.. It’ll make you feel better about whatever your dream was. Here’s what I thought I was gonna do for the rest of my life. I thought.. Heh. I.. I wanted to be a dancer. All right. First of all, fuck you. All right? Second of all, not a stripper. I was.. I was a break dancer, and I was like, “Yo, I’m gonna do this shit forever.” Not a realistic goal, though. What was your dream when you were 14, growing up on the mean streets of Mississauga, Sandeep? Now, be honest. Don’t make no bullshit up. -A musician. -Huh? A musician. -Did you play any instruments? -Yes. Well, good. That’s a good start. I always.. I always have Indian guys yell out shit that they never did. “I wanted to be in the NBA.” “Did you play basketball?” “Not once. I just love giant black men.” You know, just.. What instrument did you play? -Guitar. -You good? -Pretty good. -You still throw down on it? -Pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. So, you wanted to be a musician. I know what happened. Tell me if I’m right. You’re about 17, 18 years old. You’re sitting in your room, playing with your… “guitar.” And… you were thinking, “I’m gonna be a musician.” Your mom walked in and went, “Sandoo…” That’s all you need for a nickname. All you need is add two O’s to whatever you want the nickname to be. Sandoo. Like.. Like Edward, Edwoo. Well, that could be your name, Edwoo. Sorry, that.. That didn’t work, ’cause he might very well be an Ed Woo. Your mom walked in: “Sandoo… you’re going to college. Why don’t you become a doctor?” And you were like, “What’s wrong with your face?” “If you become a doctor, you can fix it.” So, you put your guitar down and picked up a stethoscope, and it was all over after that. That’s why I could never go to you. I don’t want my doctor to have had other dreams about being something else. My doctor in America is gonna be a black guy from the ‘hood who grew up with every disadvantage. Real ‘hood. Like in the “‘hood” ‘hood. Where the.. Where people were like, “Yo, coz, let’s go kill some motherfuckers today.” I want my doctor to be the guy that says, “No, man. I’m gonna be a doctor.” And everybody in the ‘hood was like, “Ain’t nobody fuck with Daverel, he gonna be a doctor and shit.” That’s how I know I got the right doctor, ’cause he’ll say “and shit” at the end of sentences. Look pissed off when I walk into the office. That’s the doctor I want. “Hi, Mr. Peters. Seems your nasal passage is inflamed and shit. You fill out this little bitch-ass prescription. Holler at me tomorrow, motherfucker.” That’s the right doctor for me. I don’t want my doctor to be some bratty Indian kid who grew up in Mississauga. When he’s doing an operation, he just goes, “Fuck this shit. I wanna play guitar.” Then the black guy has to run in, “Don’t worry, dog. I got this. It’s gonna hurt and shit.” I never had to worry about doing anything great with my life. I didn’t. I didn’t have that pressure. I didn’t have that Indian pressure that a lot of Indian kids have. “Do something great.” My parents knew I was an idiot. From a very young age, my parents were like, “Oh, man.” I was a terrible student. I hated school. I never had to work, my parents.. My parents never had careers. They never had professions. They just had jobs. There are no professionals in my family on either side. Just a bunch of dummies. You know what I mean? But regular hard-working people. Just regular jobs. My mom worked in Kmart. Not.. Not in head office, in the store. My dad worked.. I never really understood. You ask my dad what he did. “What do you do?” “I work.” “Where?” “At my job.” “What do you do?” “Job-related work.” I never understood what my dad did. I was five, my dad was going to work, I stopped him and I go: “Dad, where are you going?” He goes, “Work.” I go, “What do you do?” “I work at a chicken plant.” And then he left. You can’t tell a five-year-old that you work at a chicken plant and then walk out of the house. I’m five years old. I can’t comprehend what a chicken plant is. I know what I chicken is, and I know what a plant is. For the next 7 years, I told people that my dad planted chickens. It wasn’t till I was 12, I was like, “Dad..” He was going to work, I go, “Dad, what exactly do you do?” He goes: “I check to see if the chickens are good or not.” And then he left. And I still didn’t know what that meant. I literally picture my dad standing around, going, “Good chicken. Good chicken. Stop the line. Bad chicken.” I don’t know what he did to the bad chicken. “I wanna talk to you for a minute. Come here. Come here. Listen, you need to get your shit together. Okay? Start clucking like the rest of them. Don’t be such a cock.” Never had to worry about school. I mean, I did, because I was in it. But.. But my parents gave up. They gave up early. They knew.. They would literally beg me. They’ll be like, “Son, please, just try and get 50. It’s a pass. Just get 50.” I’m not bragging, and.. Nor am I glorifying this. But.. Um, this is an actual mark I got in grade nine typing. Typing. All right? It was 1984. Don’t judge me. There were no computers yet. It was actual typewriters. Um, my typing.. My final mark was 13 percent. Even my dad was like, “Son… Son, you’ve hit a new low. Do you realize you get 25 percent just for signing your name correctly? What fucking name did you put?!” They gave up when I was a teenager. They did. My only rule when I’d leave the house was.. I’m like, “Dad, I’m going to the mall.” “Okay. Son, oh, don’t die.” That was it. That was their only rule. “Don’t die. We’ve already failed enough. We don’t need the ultimate failure. Well, don’t die while I’m alive. After I die, die as many times as you want. But… while I’m here, don’t die.” Never had to worry about a career or a job. Well, a job, yes, just not a profession. When I was 16, my dad comes to me and goes: “Son, one day, you won’t be in school anymore.” And I was like, “I’m gonna graduate?” “No, son. Focus, son. Focus. Focus. Come on. That’s never going to happen. Okay? When you’re not in school, you’re going to need to get a job.” I was like, “Of course, I’m going to get a job. I’m not a freeloader. And if you know anybody hiring, let me know.” He goes, “Well, the airport is hiring.” Here’s how dumb I was. My dad said the airport was hiring and I was like, “Oh, my God. My dad wants me to be a pilot.” I was like, “You want me to be a pilot?” “Oh, my God. Son, no. Oh, my God, no. Oh, my God. Oh, Mylanta. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Son, you are far too stupid for that job. People’s lives are at stake.” “What the hell am I gonna do at the airport?” My dad goes, “Baggage handler.” “What the hell is a baggage handler?” My dad sells the shit out of it to me. “A baggage handler? Son, let me tell you something, okay? These people are an integral part of millions of people’s travel plans throughout the year.” I was like, “Damn. Well, what does their job entail?” “Basically, baggage handler’s job is, you take the baggage and you put it on the plane.” “What do I do?” “You take the baggage and you put it on the plane.” “I ‘putted’ on the plane?” “You put it on the plane.” “I ‘putted’?” “You put it.” “Like… ‘put’?” “Like ‘put.'” “Like:” “Don’t be stupid. Okay? That’s ‘putting.’ Focus, son. Focus. Focus.” I said, “Dad, I wanna be a break-dancer.” “Son, son, you can dance on your break.” Anything Indian people can do, I can’t. I’m impressed whenever you do something intelligent. Like computers. I’m shit on a computer. Are you good on a computer, Edward? You’re Chinese. You’d better be good on a computer. You’re making them all day. The least you can do is be good on them. Do you work with a computer for a living? Yeah. So, you.. Yeah. -What do you prefer, a PC or a Mac? -I prefer a PC. PC. Yeah. That’s how you know you’re good on a computer. People don’t believe I’m not good on a computer. “You’re Indian. You’re supposed to be good on a computer.” An Indian guy saying he’s not good on a computer is like a black guy going, “I ain’t got no rhythm.” PC, that’s the.. That’s the showoff. You know that’s the.. “I know how to get on a computer and avoid diseases.” I use a Mac, because Macs are stupid-people friendly. I am a stupid people. The real reason I use a Mac is ’cause I go to a lot of questionable websites. But what I’m trying to tell you is… if you’re gonna surf porn, surf porn on a Mac. Surfing porn on a Mac is like having sex with a condom on. You’re like, “I don’t care what she has. I’m not gonna get anything.” Surfing porn on a PC is like raw-dogging a hooker, you know? You’re just, “Oh, my God! It feels good, but I’m scared. I’m so scared! Oh, my God! It burns when I download.” You know, the worst day in my life is when I have a problem with my laptop and I have to call the 1-800 number on the back of it. I don’t care they’ve outsourced the call to India. That makes me happy. The part that bothers me is that that guy in India knows who I am. “I’m having a problem with my laptop.” “Okay, sir. And your good name?” “Sorry?” “Your good name.” “My good name? What is that? My password? You want my password?” “No, sir.Your good name. Your good name?” “What the fuck is my good name?” “Your surname, family name?” “Oh. Why didn’t you say so? Peters.” “Okay. And your first name?” “What’s that?” “Your first name.” “I don’t have a forest name. Enchanted? If I was in the forest, my name would be ‘Lost.’ What are you asking me now?” “No, sir. Your first name?” “What the fuck is my forest name? What is that? Slow it down, buddy.” “First name.” “That’s the same fucking thing!” “Sir, the name you use on a daily basis.” “Oh, heh, sorry, man. Russell.” “Okay. No way! Is it really you?” I’m all proud. I’m like, “Yes, it is.” He goes, “Well, well, well. All those jokes you made, huh? Now who needs help, huh? Okay, bastard. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to mirror your computer.” “What?” “Mirror your computer.” “Mirror my computer? What does that mean?” “I’m going to gain full access to your laptop remotely.” “Really? How do you..?” Then I see the mouse moving around on my screen. “What the hell happened?” “I have gained full access to your laptop. Let’s go through your history.” “Let’s not go through my history. How about that? Let’s…” “Well, well, well. Heh. Lusty grandmas.” “It was a pop-up.” “I’m sure they popped up just fine, huh? Seems to pop-up three, four times a day.” How you doing, sir? You good? What’s your name? -Vince. -Vince. -Italian? -Yep. I could tell by the way you said “Vince.” “Hey, Vince. Always got to sound like I’m doing some illegal shit.” I love talking to Italian guys. They fuck the air when you talk to them. Ever see that? “Bro, where you been?” “I’m on the 400. I’m going north.” “Not the 400. 401. You don’t need to go this way. You need to go that way.” Is that your lovely wife? Hi, lovely wife. How are you? -How long you guys been together? -Twenty-one years. Twenty-one years. That’s great. That’s good. Kids? Not you two. I mean, do you have kids? -Yeah. -Yeah. -One girl. -One girl. How old? -Thirteen. -Thirteen. Nice. You waited. That’s nice. Thought you’d enjoy each other for a few years, and then: Send one home. You know? She bent over in the kitchen, and you were on the phone giving directions. “Vince, I just need to get this pot.” “What are you doing?” “Oh, my God! I’m pregnant.” One girl. That’s all you wanted, right? One kid? You.. I got one. I got a daughter, as well. I like her. She’s, um.. One’s all you need. I’m not.. I don’t want more than one kid. I’m not fucking collecting them. You know what I mean? They’re not going up in value, you know? So, one and done for me. I think the real reason, like, I never wanted more kids is because… I know me, and I know what an idiot I am. And I’m one of those people who gets dazzled by new things. So, I don’t want my daughter to be, like, the object of everything in my life, then a new kid comes along, “Beat it, kid. Look at this one.” She’s like, “I thought you loved me?” “I do. Look at this new one. It’s so much better.” I know what an idiot I am. So, this is just gonna be the one and done. -You spoil her? -Yeah. Oh, yeah. How old are you, Vince? -Forty-six. -Forty-six. We’re the same age. You know what I mean? “Yeah. No problem. Forty-six.” And you had immigrant parents, Vince? Yeah. From Italy? Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Immigrant parents, they don’t play. Immigrant parents don’t give you idle threats. If they tell you to do something, they fucking mean do that. There’s no negotiating. You don’t talk back to your parents. You’re Italian. You’d get a schiaffo right on your head. Right? Let me tell you what happened. My daughter was in her bedroom, laying on her bed, and I.. And I burst into her room, right? First, she’s five. She’s not gonna be doing anything weird. Uh… Second of all, it’s my house, I’ll burst into whatever room I want. So, I.. My daughter’s lying on her bed with her iPad watching Frozen. You know? As children do. And so, I burst in and I’m like, “Baby!” And I guess it startled her, but she didn’t react like a 5-year-old. Aah! She reacted like a woman. She got angry. Not like a little kid. She became a woman instantly. And then I was like, “Baby!” And she went.. Shh! Without using any words, my daughter went, “Motherfucker! Do you not see what I’m doing?!” And if your kid ever calls you a motherfucker, you can’t get mad. Because, yeah. You are, Vince. If you weren’t a motherfucker, they wouldn’t be here. If there’s any kids in here, I want you to try calling your dad a motherfucker. Um, you look young, buddy. So, try it. But you can’t do it when you’re angry. You gotta do it when everything’s calm, you know? Like, you can be at the dinner table. “Ma, this pot roast is fantastic. Hey, motherfucker, can you pass the peas?” “Sure. What the.. What happened?” But she got so mad, and just immediately was just.. Shh! And I just thought it was hilarious. I started laughing immediately. Now, I don’t know if that’s because I’m a comedian. Or if I’m just a shit parent. But my little daughter went: Shh! And I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And the more I laughed, the angrier she got, like a real woman. And the angrier she got, the more I laughed. Until it was just like, “Daddy! Stop it!” And I’m like, “I can’t!” And then I thought about it. I can’t picture.. I can’t even imagine one single time in my life, let alone at 5, that I could have ever said, “shh,” to my parents. Sitting in the living room, watching TV, and my dad walks in, “Russell.” Shh. “You don’t shush me! I’ll throw that TV at you!” This was 1975 when TVs weighed 1800 pounds, when it was more than just a TV. It was a TV, it was a speaker system, it was a shelving unit. It had a turntable on the top with a cassette deck and an 8-track player. It had a shitty doily that ran across the top. It had a vase with plastic flowers in it for no reason. Remember the plastic flowers? They were huge in the Indian world. Indian community. “Plastic? Wait, wait. So, we just buy the one flower, one time, and you don’t have to replenish it. Genius. Absolute genius.” Remember those plastic flowers that were like this long, and they were on a wire, plastic? My dad was so cheap, he bought one, he bought a vase that was only this big, so we had to bend the wire. So, now, you have, like, half a flower and half a wire sticking out. And nobody ever dusted them or cleaned them, so they were never the color they were. People would walk by, ooh.. “Oh, red. Nice. Nice.” Think about how angry your parents were all the time. They were mad. Always. I don’t know why they were so mad. They weren’t mad at you. Just mad. Our parents had no problem disappointing us, did they? I’ll do whatever it takes to not disappoint my daughter. If I tell them I’m gonna do something, I’ll do that plus something else. You know, because we’re idiots. Because we grew up wanting things. I never had more than I needed. I never did without. I mean, but I never had extra shit. Like, I would get the one pair of shoes every year in September for school, and it was like, “Son, you’re getting one new pair of sneakers.” I’m like, “Yes.” “Let’s go see what BiWay has. I have a coupon. I, too, am getting a pair.” I would get one toy a year. One toy. On my birthday. It was.. It was such a bullshit deal, though. My birthday would come, my dad would be like, “Let’s go to the toy store.” And we’d go to the toy store, and my dad would be like, “You can have anything in this bucket right here.” “Everything’s broken in that. This gun is in two pieces.” “Why don’t you look at it as two guns? The glass is half full.” So, when you grow up like that, when you want things, and you get a little money, you do it. I got a little bit of money. I start buying everything I wanted, then I spoil my daughter. I buy her shit she doesn’t know she wants. I buy it ’cause I would have wanted it. Not wanting to disappoint your child can backfire on you. Let me tell you what happened. Couple years ago, I moved into this new house. I was building.. Not building.. I had a really nice bedroom for my daughter. I do have. Not had. I didn’t lose the shit. I, uh.. And I wanted to get a really cool bed. And I was like, “Baby, I wanna get you a really fun bed.” And she’s like, “I want a fun bed.” She was three at the time. And then I go, “Come on. Come here. Sit with me. And we’ll look at beds online.” She goes, “Okay.” So, I pull up my laptop, and I go to Google. I put safe search on ’cause I’m not an idiot. You know, I don’t need dicks flying up when I’m trying to look at stuff. Put safe search on, and then I type in “cool beds for little girls.” And all these cool beds showed up online. It was like.. This shit I’d never.. I didn’t even dream about seeing. And then.. And she goes, “Daddy, I want a castle bed.” And I’m like, “I want a castle bed, too. I mean, for you.” So, we find this castle bed. It’s amazing. It’s a queen-sized bed on the bottom. Full queen-sized bed. And then, it’s got stairs that lead upstairs to a double bed. And it has a steeple like a castle. And then it has a slide that comes around the other side. My daughter’s like, “I want that one!” And I go, “I want you to have that one, too.” And we’re high-fiving. Yay! Yay! “Is it gonna be here tomorrow?” “Wait, let me first buy it.” So, I’m like “add to cart.” Yes. Check out. Yes. And she’s like, “Will it be here?” “Hold on. Let me just hit ‘purchase.'” Purchase. $10,000. And I’m like, “Fuck me!” And my daughter’s like, “What?” “No, no, no!” And I had to buy it, she was sitting right there. And I got her all excited about it. I bought a $10,000 bed for a 3-year-old. And this little bitch hasn’t slept in it once! Two fucking years, and she hasn’t slept in the goddamn bed! She has a queen-sized bed… from the age of 3. I never had a queen-sized bed till I was 30. And that was because that’s when I moved out of my parents’ house. I know.. You guys go, “Thirty?” I’m like, “For an Indian guy, that’s pretty young.” I was.. I was 30 when I moved out and.. My brother was 36. He was.. He goes, “Where are you going?” “Moving out.” “I better go with you. I don’t wanna look like a loser.” “It’s too late. You’re 36. It’s..” -You have kids, sir? -Yes. -How many? -Two. Two. Are those them? -Those your kids? Are they..? -No. No? Okay. I just.. I saw two more white people. I figured they might be yours. -What do you have? -A daughter and a son. A daughter and son. Who’s older, daughter or son? -Daughter. -Daughter. Which one do you like better? Both? Wait. Wait. Listen to the question, sir. What’s your name? -Greg. -Okay, Greg. When I ask which one do you like better, I’m not asking you which one you love more. I don’t think you love either of them more than the other. Correct? -Yes. -You love them both equally. You don’t want anything bad to happen to either of them, but you like one better. It’s.. It’s human nature, Greg. Listen, liking one of your children more than the other is literally the difference between running and walking. Let me explain. You’re in the living room, you’re watching TV, and all of a sudden, you hear somebody fall down the stairs. “Oh, my God. Who was that?” “It’s me.” “Oh, my God!” Right? Okay. You’re in the living room, watching TV. All of a sudden, you hear: “Oh, my God! Who was that?” “It’s me.” “Oh, for fuck sakes.” You’re.. You’re still gonna go… but which one are you running for? Probably the girl, huh? -There you go. -How old are they? -My daughter’s 14. My son is 28. -Your daughter’s 14. Your son’s 28. Wait, I thought you said your son was younger? Oh, he’s older. So, that’s the baby, always. It’s the little girl, right? Yeah, that’s the way we work. -What’s your name, buddy? -Omar. Omar. Where’s your family from? Egypt. Oh, shit, that’s sphinx. Um… Nope. That joke flew right past him. I like that. I waited for a second, but it didn’t go anywhere. -And is that your girlfriend, your wife? -My wife. Your wife? And she’s not Egyptian, right? Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you..? Are you a hostage? Blink if you need help. You grew up in Poland. When did you move to Canada? -In ’82. -’82. So, when you grew up in Poland, were you learning..? Were they speaking Russian back then? -I had to take Russian. -You had to take Russian. -So, you speak Russian or understand it? -Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. I just learned how to say “how are you?” in Russian. Do you know how to say “how are you?” in Russian, Vince? “Cock dealer.” I swear. This Russian guy walked up to me. He goes, “Hey, kak dela?” I go, “Hey, hey, hey, man.” I don’t give a shit if you’re a blackjack dealer, all right? Don’t come around here offering me all that. When you find vag dealer, send her over. I like listening to people speak Russian. You ever heard people speak Russian? It’s amazing. They sound like they’re talking backwards. Vladimir… Blyad. That’s a real swear word in Russian, blyad. It’s like they didn’t have a swear word and some guy drank too much vodka. “Boris, how do you feel?” He feels blyad. Are there any Russian people here? All right. Where are you? -You Russian, bro? -Yeah, bro. -What’s your name? -Anand. What? Anand? Omar? Jamaal? Where are you from, Anand? My parents are from Uzbekistan. Your parents are from Uzbekistan. Oh, yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah. There’s.. Okay. So, yeah, you’re speaking Russian. Speak Russian? -Yeah. -Nice. Maybe you can clear this up for me. Um… Uh, last summer, I had to do some plumbing work on my house in Los Angeles, and I hired these two Russian plumbers. Great guys. Let me just say this. They were great guys. They were reasonably priced. They were on time. They were tidy. They did good work. They never gave me any problems. They were respectful. But… every day when they would come to work, they would call me by my last name and then giggle like little kids. “Good morning, Mr. Peter.” I’m like, “It’s Peters. Mr. Peters.” “Okay, Peter.” “Why don’t you call me Russell?” “Okay. Russell Peter.” I’m like, “What are they laughing at?” So, I called one of my Russian friends. Like, “Yo, these guys come to the house, they call me by my last name and giggle.” He goes, “What are they saying?” “Mr. Peter.” Then he’s like: “That’s messed up, man.” I go, “Why?” “Your last name. In Russian, it means ‘faggot.'” “Like, do you mean gay?” “No.” “Homosexual?” “No. Faggot.” “Mr. Peter… seems your pipes are blocked.” “Nice castle bed, Peter.” I’m.. I’m what they call a sleeper. I, uh… I’m lazy is what I’m trying to tell you. I love sleep. Like, I genuinely.. If I can get 14 hours a day, I’m good. I might have been a koala in my last life or something, you know? But… I just love sleep. I’ve been doing stand-up for 27 years, not because.. I do love what I do. Don’t get it wrong. But I didn’t get into this because I was like: “Oh, I’m gonna be looking.. One day, I’ll be something.” No. I got into this because in 1989, I was standing around with my friends, and I was like, “Yo, I wanna get a job where I could sleep all day… and then work for, I don’t know, like, an hour. And my friend goes, “Comedian.” I’m like, “I’ll take it.” “You don’t know how.” “I’ll figure it out.” This isn’t talent. This is determination… for sleep. I love sleep. And when we’re sleeping with you, ladies.. And I mean sleeping with you. Just sleeping. ..you need to know that your man respects your sleep, because a man.. I mean, when I’m sleeping and my girlfriend’s beside me, I will do whatever it takes to not disturb her sleep. And I would hope she would do the same. But I will do whatever it takes to not ruin her sleep. Obviously, there’s those times when you roll over in the middle of the night. You know, it’s.. We’ll do that until we’ve.. “Get off me!” I’m like, “Oh, my God! Sorry. Oh, my God. Thank God you woke me up. I was having a nightmare. I…” But other than that… we’ll do whatever it takes to not disturb your sleep. When we’re sleeping with you, ladies.. And I know this.. For me, especially. When my girlfriend’s asleep beside me, I’ll do whatever it takes to not disturb her. And more often than not, now, especially after 40, like, 3:30 in the morning, I’ll get waken up ’cause I have to pee, and then I’m like, “You know what? Look at her, all pretty and sleepy and… I don’t wanna disturb her, so I’m gonna risk a bladder infection.” And then I go back to sleep. Right? And then about ten minutes into my sleep, I start dreaming about peeing. That’s your body going, “Hey, didn’t I try to tell you something a minute ago?” The minute you start dreaming about peeing, you have to get up and do it, ’cause your body’s like, “Nah, uh-uh. We’re not playing this game.” And when I finally agree that I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I become the most stealth-like ninja human being you’ve ever seen in your life. I start edging towards my side of the bed. And while I’m doing that, I’m pushing up the blanket right behind her, you know? So, that way it feel like I’m still there. Then when I get to the edge of the bed, I literally pour myself out of the bed. Then I get up. When you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, guys, you have to make an announcement. It doesn’t have to be loud. It doesn’t have to disturb anybody, but you have to say, “I just gotta pee.” Because if she wakes up and you’re not there, she immediately assumes you’re sleeping with somebody else. It’s a safety thing. It’s an insurance policy. She doesn’t have to react to it. She doesn’t have to move. You just have to say, “I just gotta pee.” And she’s dreaming. She’s asleep. She’s dreaming about playing tennis. “I just gotta pee.” Made my announcement. Ready to go to the bathroom. I know where the squeaks are in the floor, so I avoid them. I tiptoe the whole way. When you get to the bathroom door, guys, this is very important. You have to grip the handle firmly, very firmly. And I open it so slowly. I turn the knob so slow that you could literally hear the spring inside recoiling. Like coil by coil. And you’re like, “Shut the fuck up, door.” But you’re the only one that can hear it. And then when you get it unlocked, you have to open it swiftly. You have to push it open quick. You can’t do it slow, in case it goes: Right? So, you gotta.. And then… Then I reach around on the inside and I grab the handle, and then I close the door slowly, and then: Now I’m able to go to the toilet. Now, when you get to the toilet, guys, this is very important. You have to pee… to the inside of the bowl. Because you don’t wanna make.. There’s no sense you going through all the tiptoeing and the…and she just.. You just hear: You gotta.. You gotta.. You pee to the side of the bowl. You don’t wanna break water. So, you pee to the inside of the bowl so the pee just cascades into the water, and there’s no noise. And then when I’m done, I take the seat and the lid and I close it. And then I flush, because I’m trying to mute the noise as much as possible. And then I stand there and I wait until the tank refills. Then, and only then, do I head back to the bedroom. I don’t wash my hands. First of all, I took a shower right before I went to bed. Second of all, it’s my dick. It wasn’t dragging through mud. Literally, a minute ago, it was asleep on my balls. Just.. And just so you know, ladies, nine times out of ten, when a guy goes to the bathroom, we don’t even use our hands. We pee like Superman. Just.. So, then I tiptoe my way back to bed, and then when I get to the mattress, I put my shoulder on it first. You gotta put your shoulder on the bed. And then I put one leg up, right? So, I got an even distribution of weight on the bed now, right? And then I just do this little jujitsu kind of roll. I just.. I kind of roll my whole body and then I roll onto the bed, and then: And, bam, my arm ends up right around her. And she has no clue that I left and went to the bathroom. And we do it that way, ladies, because men respect a woman’s sleep. Now… when a woman has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, she doesn’t give a shit if you haven’t slept in four years. If she gets woken up out of her sleep, it’s everybody’s problem. They don’t wake up and think, “I have to pee.” They wake up and go, “Oh, my God! I gotta pee!” And then she hurls the blankets. Hurls the blankets off of her so violently that they come right off of me and I’m like, “I’m freezing right now.” And this beautiful, petite, little woman leaps out of bed like a cat, but lands like a hippopotamus, just… She goes and finds her tap shoes ’cause she wants to make extra noise. Then she gets to the bathroom, the door handle slips out of her hand. Slams the door, whack! Gets into the toilet. Goes to lift seat, it slips out of her fingers, whack! Loudest noise in the world. Then she sits down to pee. Ladies, when you sit down to pee, why can’t you just sit down and pee? Why do you have to sit down and go:? And you ever heard a woman peeing? It’s the loudest thing you’ll ever hear. What are you, cutting concrete in there? And then when she’s done, she goes to flush, but does half a flush. And now you’ve gotta sit through two flushes. And.. Then she goes to wash her hands and she knocks over a glass, and then.. Now she’s done. And she storms back to the bedroom. Storms back to the bedroom. And she slams that bathroom door behind her so hard that it doesn’t catch, it just bounces back open. And this asshole left a light on in there. So, now there’s a beam of light entering the bedroom. And she’s stomping her elephant ass back. She’s 110 pounds. I don’t know where all this weight’s coming from. Instead of getting back in the bed like a normal human being? No. She turns into fucking Hulk Hogan when she’s coming back to bed. “I’m coming back to bed, brother.” And she.. And she slams herself on the bed so hard that my entire body bounces up. And then I go, “Hey, is everything okay?” “Oh, my God. Did I wake you?” Yeah, bitch. You woke everybody on the northern hemisphere up. How you doing, buddy? -What is your name anyway? -Kevin. Kevin. Oh, yeah. Kevin and Edward, the Chinese guys. Good solid Chinese names. What style of Asian are you, sir? -Me? -Yeah. -Filipino. -Filipino. Nice. That’s good. It’s not a pep rally for the Filipinos, it’s just.. I was just in the Philippines. Have you been? -I have. -Yeah. I didn’t know that Indian people in the Philippines are such villains. Do you know this? In the Philippines, Indian.. They’ve vilified Indians so bad. Like, you.. They literally use Indian people as a threat to get their kids to go to sleep. They would be like, “If you don’t go to bed, the bumbais will come in the nighttime. And your blood will run down the streets.” How did we get such a shitty reputation over there? I see white people, but I don’t see real proper Canadian white people. You know that I mean? Where are the cakers? Where are you? Sir? Yeah. Look. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. That’s.. There we go. Good. I miss you, guys. I love when I come back home. I’ve been gone for ten years. And it’s so weird, because when you grow up.. You’re born and raised here, and you don’t notice things about it until you leave. And I never really noticed the Canadian accent until I left. Now, when I come home, that’s all I fucking hear. And if you really think about the Canadian accent, it sounds smart and dumb at the exact same time, doesn’t it? “Oh, Christ. Look at you, eh?” “Oh, yeah.” “Oh, yeah. Are you back in town?” “No, it’s a fucking hologram you’re looking at, asshole.” “Oh, no doubt, eh? No doubt. No doubt, eh?” “Oh, fuck, yeah. No doubt.” “No, fucking doubt. Oh!” White people talk till they have no breath. “Fuckers, don’t, don’t! No!” “No doubt, eh? Fuck. So, you’re gonna tape the new special, are you?” “Oh, yeah. Right on. Right on.” I know you probably don’t hear it, even when I’m doing it. Like, “He sounds normal to me.” But you really gotta pay attention. Listen to a hockey player in an interview. They always say and sound the exact same way. “Oh, yeah, yeah. No. We got out there tonight and, uh, you know, coach says we need to play more as a team and, you know, push the puck around and look for openings and see the guys out there and, you know, pretty much have a good game of hockey.” “No doubt. No doubt. Oh, yeah.” “No fucking doubt, eh?” “Oh, heh, yeah.” You were born in Canada. Right, sir? Hello? Is your..? Were your parents from Canada, too? -Yes. -Yes. That’s the real Canadian. That’s.. That’s some shit. You should be like, “Yes!” We live in a weird time. You realize that? We live in a time where.. Like in.. Especially in the U.S., with their whole election shit going on. They’ve made a big deal out of race this year. Which is weird. When Obama was in it, they didn’t mention race once. They were like, “There’s a black guy here. Everybody keep their shit quiet.” Black dude. Are you a black guy right there? You might be a dark-ass Indian guy. I don’t know. I’m asking you. Are you a black guy? Hello? Does the mike not reach that way? Can you not…? You’re a black guy? -Black and Indian guy. -Black and Indian guy? Okay. Well, you got the best of both worlds. You can run fast and spell great, so, um… That’s a black guy right there. Black dude. You’re a black guy? You know that? I don’t think I need to… -How old are you anyway? -I’m 39. Thirty-nine. See, you have to ask a black person their age. You always have to ask, ’cause you can never guess a black person’s age. You will be wrong 100 percent of the time. ‘Cause here’s the thing with black people. They stop aging at some point. Their body goes, “Fuck it. This is as old as I’m gonna look.” But their insides keep aging, you know? That’s how you can tell a black person’s age. Ask them. You hear it in their voice. Their voice gets older. And then their points of reference start to get really obscure. “What are you, like 40?” “Uh-uh. Baby. I ain’t been 40 in about 45 years. Shit. I know. That’s right. That make me wanna jitterbug.” Why the black community and the police have a hard time, ’cause the cops could never describe a black man properly. Well, the suspect is a black male between the age of 18 and 97. Everything is race-based. You know? And that’s fine for me. I made a living out of it. But… when it hits the political side.. You got Donald Trump saying crazy shit like: “No more immigrants. I’m gonna stop immigration.” I’m like, “Donald Trump, if you stop immigration, how are you gonna get another wife?” Two out of his three wives have been immigrants. Two out of three. You know, when people say “immigrant,” they just picture this room. They picture non-white people. You hear “immigrant,” you picture brown, black, Asian. Brown, black, Asian. That’s all you picture. Reassess that. Start picturing white people. Look at Greg. He looks like a regular white guy, but has an accent. You didn’t see that coming. You need to start picturing white people with your immigrants, because they look like regular white people. What’s your name? Hello. No, the white guy behind you, Asian guy. The Asian guy’s like, “Me? My name is, uh… not white guy.” -Dan. -Dan. Dan, you need to start picturing white immigrants, ’cause they look just like you. They look like regular white people, but then they open their mouth and no English. Nothing. You can always tell by looking at them, though. Regular white Canadian or white Americans, they always look bored. It’s in the body language. They always look like: Like nothing impresses them, you know? But white immigrants, you look at their body language. “Electricity. I can go bathroom indoors? Who’s going to clean the bucket?” The good thing about my job is I get to travel around the world and see all kinds of things. I’ve seen the whole world. Is that your mom with you, Dan? Hi, Mom. How are you? How old are you, Mom? Old enough to know better. Old enough to know better. And old enough to start to forget, but.. Um… Uh… Ahem. But.. Everyone’s like, “Russell!” Hey, man, she started it. Um… I’m really immature, Ma, I apologize. Have you..? You’re obviously retired, I would hope. Um, do you travel at all? Have you gone around the world at all? -No. -No, you gotta do it. You gotta go. Take Dan with you so he could fucking stare at things. I’m fucking with you, Dan. Sorry, buddy. Let me tell you something. I’ve been doing this 27 years. Born and raised in Canada. I’ve been in the U.S. for ten years. I’ve seen the entire world a few times now. It’s round. I don’t know.. I don’t know how old you are. I don’t know what you were taught, but it’s round now. It’s confirmed. Confirmed. And, um… It’s a wonderful world we live in. It’s a great place. And you gotta go and see it. You know? Like, white people need to travel more. I think that’s an issue, you know? By “travel more,” I don’t mean go to.. When I’m in the States and I ask: “You travel?” “Yeah. All over.” “Where do you go?” “Florida, New York, Seattle.” I’m like, “That’s not fucking traveling. That’s going in the country you live in.” Indian people try the same. “Do you travel?” “Oh, I travel all the time. I go to India and back and…” That’s not traveling. If you’re Indian and you go to India, that’s not traveling. That’s going back to where the fuck you came from. I remember when I was a kid. When my family was going to India, it was the most hush-hush operation. My dad would give me two days’ notice. “In two days, we’re going to India. Don’t tell anybody.” “Why not?” “They’ll want us to take a suitcase.” Having traveled the whole world, this whole beautiful world of ours, and seeing everything from his people to.. I haven’t gone to Egypt yet, I’m waiting for you guys to sort your shit out. Um… Been to China, been to Hong Kong, been to Macao, been to the Philippines. Been everywhere. Been to South Africa. Not been to Italy.. Once, you know. Had an itchy dick. The guy thought I was talking to him. “Hey, hey, hey.” Having traveled the whole world, let me tell you this. I realized something. I can only live in North America. And whether it’s Canada or the U.S., doesn’t bother me. As long as I’m in this continent, I’m good. But if they were like, “You can no longer live in North America. You must leave immediately,” the only other place I would consider living would be Bombay, India. And… I love Bombay. It’s one of my favorite places in the entire world. The reason I love Bombay is because I love New York, and Bombay reminds me of New York, but with less Indian people in Bombay. You gotta go to India, Mom. You’ve gotta go to India. Trust me. Before it’s all over, go to India. I’ll tell you why you gotta go. Because the five senses that you were born with have never been fully utilized… …until you go to India. And going to Brampton doesn’t count. I mean, India. You go to India, you’ll experience sight, sound and smell in less than one minute. You’ll just be standing here.. Did a sheep just fart and drive a train past me? What the hell was that? You gotta go. You gotta go to India. Let’s just say you go, right? So, you go to Bombay. I’ll warn you in advance. There’s a lot of people there. A shit ton of people. It’s not dangerous, so you don’t have to worry. Say you get there and get freaked out, you’re like, “I’m staying in my room.” It’s worth going there to just sit in your hotel room and watch the news. Watching the news in India is the best thing you’ve ever seen in your life. They have the craziest news you’ve ever seen in your life. Like, if any one of those things that happens in India on a daily basis happened in America just once, America would shut down. Let’s be honest. America loves to panic. That’s how they control the American people. They feed them with all these lies and propaganda. That’s how the media controls the American people. That’s how they think. “Well, you better not leave America ’cause look what they’re doing over there. Real crazy.” They do. That’s how they control the people, with the media. And you don’t believe me? Remember a couple years ago? Ebola. Remember that? “Ebola’s here! We’re all gonna die!” I’m like, “Oh, my God! How many people have it?” “One guy. But he’s black and he’s fast. We can’t catch him.” Whenever anything bad happens in America, they have these overly dramatic newscasts. “It’s a sad day for America. And an even worse day… for Americans. We’ll be right back after these messages.” Then they cut to my favorite commercial. “I’m Wilford Brimley. When I first found out about my diabetes… I knew it’d be a problem ’cause I can’t pronounce ‘diabetes.'” You watch the news in India. They deliver the worst news you’ve ever heard in your life so casually. Today, 743 people are dead… as a bicycle collided with a goat. Funeral services for the goat will be held this weekend… followed by a delicious goat curry.” Thank you very much, guys. You were awesome. Good night. What up, JusReign!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RUSSELL PETERS: OUTSOURCED (2006) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-outsourced-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please, if you say that, gentlemen. My man, [MIXED] Russell Peters! Yeah, brothers know his name. Here he is, guys! Russell Peters! [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES] All right. How you doing? All right. All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders. Look at this audience, man. Everybody. This is cool, man. Everybody. We got– clearly we got some Asians in the house. That’s uh… I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot. I knew you were here. I thought they were shooting Fast and The Furious Part 3 or something. Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh? All right. There’s a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There’s uh… White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you. All right, a white guy with a brown girl. Good job, buddy, huh? Her parents must be so happy. Ha ha. There’s a brown man with a white woman. Nice, see? Balance. That’s what I’m talking about. He’s living the American dream. Or at least the Indian dream. [INDIAN ACCENT] “If I go to America and I get white woman,” “I’m ahead of the game.” Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at? All right, all six of you. Good. All right. I don’t know how the hell we’re in California, only six Latinos showed up. And black people? You clap again. Look at that, hey. You got both. You’re black and Latino. Your credit must suck. You’re… I just can’t… Oh, man. It’s funny, when I say ‘Asian,’ especially in America, when I say ‘Asian,’ people automatically picture in their head, [IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC] Which is messed up because India is part of Asia, and we don’t get the same credit. When I say ‘Asian,’ people don’t go… [IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC] We’re Asian too, man. When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians. And you guys got first choice on looks. And you fucked us on the deal. “Yeah, well, we’ll take eyes.” “You guys can have noses and hair.” My people are greedy, “We heard two! We got two! That’s a good deal, two!” “Noses and hair!” We didn’t know it was gonna be big noses and body hair. That’s a shit deal! We’re a hairy race of people, man. It’s hot as hell in India, and we’re hairy. Who the hell came up with that deal? I think the God that was making Indian people was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods. He was like, “Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this.” “Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here.” “OK, look.” “I’m going to take these people here.” “And put them in the hottest place in the world.” “And just for fun,” “I’ll cover them with hair.” It’s hot and we’re hairy. Men and women. Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves, “I hate this son of a bitch!” It’s OK nowadays that chicks have hair, Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean? Chicks have hair they don’t want nowadays, they can get rid of it. All kinds of hair removing methods as, There’s waxing, there’s electrolysis, there’s threading, there’s… laser hair removal. They have hair they don’t want now, [IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS] It’s gone! They’re removing it from their assholes now. How hairy were your assholes before this? You know they used to do in the eighties, when chicks have hair they didn’t want? They used to bleach it. I’m like, “Sweetheart, we don’t have a problem with the color of your mustache.” “It’s not like the blond goatie looks better.” And the Asians are not hairy at all. Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body. Very rarely do you see a bald Asian. Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But… Oh, man. And when I say ‘Asian,’ you know what’s funny? When I say ‘Asian,’ people automatically think Chinese. People go, “Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese.” “That’s all they are. All the Asians are Chinese.” Look at them, yelling out their last name. So proud, that’s cool. But, uh… But it’s funny. People do think all Asians are Chinese. That’s what they think. “All Asians are Chinese.” “They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That’s what they are, and that’s what they do.” That’s not the case. There’s so many different types of Asians. You know what I mean? Sure, you may not be able to tell right away, by looking at Asian people, You could take an educated guess. Sometimes certain things stand out, and you go, “Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are.” But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups, you can tell by when they speak English. That’s how you can tell. Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight, Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight? Vietnamese people? All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too. [IMITATES VIETNAMESE] Tou mah! Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house? All right, that’s two closed dry cleaners. Nice. That’s uh… Filipinos? Oh, yeah, I see you right there. I knew you guys were Filipino right away ’cause you keep staring at the microphone, like there’s gonna be karaoke after the show. I can see it too. “I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, ’cause, uh…” “I want to get up there and sing.” [IMITATES TAGALOG] “Utahkeenah, hurry!” And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks? Nice. That’s good, man. You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English. That’s how you can tell where they’re from. I’ll give you an example. Vietnamese people, you can tell when they’re speaking English, you can tell they’re Vietnamese ’cause when they speak English, they speak it really fast. Like they know it. But they end up speaking English so fast, that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again. I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy, this what he says to me, he goes, [IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT] “Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!” He called me a fucking blow job. Have you ever been called a blow job before? Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job, there is not one good comeback… There’s nothing you can say that will sound cool. “You fucking blow job!” “Yeah?” “So are you.” That’s why I like different cultures, you know. Different cultures, different words mean different things to them in English, and, and in their language are, you know what I mean? Like, I’m from Toronto. In Toronto, there’s a Vietnamese restaurant, called Pho Phuc Lai. P, H, O, P, H, U, C, L, A, I. Pho Phuc Lai. I used to call them when I was a kid, just to have the guy answer the phone, you know. “Pho Phuc Lai.” “Ha ha ha!” Pho Phuc Lai. Doesn’t it sound like a whole new level of lying? “Hey, don’t lie! That’s a pho phuc lai!” “You fucking blow job!” You can tell when Koreans are speaking English, ’cause when Korean people speak English, they sound like they’re out of breath. Like they just ran a marathon. [BREATHING HEAVILY] “You don’t…” “…make any jokes…” “…about…” “…the Koreans.” [IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER] I know how to count to six in Korean. Not impressive, but it beats, you know, learning how to swear in somebody’s language, you know what I mean? When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody’s language, we learn how to curse, right? When we get mad at people when they come here, and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you. I mean, we’re like, “Oh, that’s so ignorant.” Did you hear me walk into a store, going, “Hello, motherfucker.” That’s what he learned, you know what I mean? I learned how to count to six, it’s not impressive, but… I learned… and I’m not being a dick, I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner. I did. I will drop my shirts off, and then she’ll count them, and I’ll count along with her. So I learned, right? I did it. So, here I count to six. Ready? “Uhrana.” “Shura.” “Sureeah.” “Uurah.” “Haibah.” “Shexah!” Shexah? “Are you Jewish?” You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English. When Chinese people speak English, it sounds like they’re chopping vegetables with the words. You know what I mean? [IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT] “You don’t go nowhere quick!” “Don’t say nothing bad!” “Don’t say nothing what?” “Bad.” How did you just make a short word even shorter? I learned about the cultures ’cause I travel around, you know what I mean? I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago. I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place. Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam. Like, when an Indian guy tells you it’s hot, trust me, it was hot! Good place. Nice people. I didn’t know until I went to Vietnam, that you can actually use a scooter, as a minivan. I didn’t know. You will see an entire family on a scooter. Like, dad will sit here, right, on the little piece of seat. And a small child will sit there. And then another small child will stand in front. And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that. And then another kid will sit off to the side this way. And one more kid will face that way. And there’ll be three kids doing back flips while he’s driving on the street. When you saw that here, that’ll be stuffs you see like, at the circus, like, “Do not attempt to do this at home,” “these are professional stunt drivers.” And there will be six white guys and they’ll be driving real careful. In Vietnam, it’s the entire family. Dad’s weaving in and out of traffic. [IMITATES HONKING SOUND] Mom’s on the back, eating. [IMITATES HONKING SOUND] Good place, Vietnam. I did… And if there’s any other reason to go to Vietnam, I’ll tell you what it is. For their money. The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it’s called? Dong. That’s… That’s the name of their money. Dong. It’s worth going there just to have a woman you don’t know walks up and go, “Excuse me, sir.” “Could you give me some dong?” “Yes, I can.” “Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you…” I love that term ‘schlong.’ Doesn’t it sound gross? White guys came up with that term for sure, right? “Hey, dude, there I was,” “as I whipped up my schlong.” ‘Schlong.’ Sounds wet. I don’t even have schlong. You know, I got a slurt. I got uh… Hey, dude, the show’s up here, okay? “I’m not a piece of meat.” Went to China last year, mainland. Chinese people, where are you? Right there? You’re over there? You’re over here too. Look at that. – You Chinese too, bro? – Yeah. Yeah? You looked upset about that. “You Chinese too?” He was like, “Yeah…” “I try to do this a lot, but it doesn’t work.” “Now I’m a Powrish.” What’s you name, Chinese guy? I’m Vincent. Vincent, that’s what I thought when I looked at you, I was like, That guy there is Vincent. Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent? Yeah. What is it, Vincent? Uh, Liung Ay Hyung. Oh, slow down, hammer. I’m not Chinese, you know what I mean? You ain’t got to say it all proper for me. [IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT] “Tung Lor Deah.” “Oh, really?” You know. Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy. Liung Ay Hyung. Leong Eey Hung? You just made shit up. I could tell right there. He was like swallowing or something. Ong Ah… Ah. And you’re Chinese as well? So what’s your name? Catherine. Catherine, yes, absolutely. You know those Chinese couples, Catherine and Vincent? You have a Chinese name too, Catherine? Is yours as confusing as Vincent’s? What is it? Go ahead. Giu Lay Mi. Giu Lay Moy. “Do I like your what?” “Giu lie moy.” “Tits.” Giu Lie Moy. That sounds sexy, man. But that’s one of those names you brag about to your friend, you know what I mean? Like if I said, “Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine.” My friends will be like, “Oh, who cares?” You know? If I was like “Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy.” “Did you videotape this shit? Did you…” “Man, it’s exotic!” Where are your family– where are your families from? The bay area. The bay area. That’s what I thought when I looked at you. I uh… But, before that? Uh, East Canton. – Hong Kong? – Yeah. – And you too? – China. – China. Mainland? – Yeah. What part? You don’t know. You just accepted it at face value? “Mom, dad, where are you from?” “China.” “What part?” “Downtown.” “Downtown China.” “Okay, Catherine? No more question.” Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything? Cantonese? So they’re from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see? See how I did it? And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent? ‘Cause your parents are from Hong Kong. See, I know the difference. People don’t know the difference. People just think, “Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,” which is pretty ignorant ’cause there’s no language called Chinese. It’s like when people come up to me and they’re like, “Hey, Russell, how do you say ‘hi’ in Indian?” I’m like, “Well, there’s no language called Indian,” “so I don’t know if you’re asking me.” “All right, smart ass.” “How do they say ‘hello’ in India?” Like this. [IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT] “Hellooo!” Just to clear it up, if you don’t know, there’s the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They… Cantonese and Mandarin, And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages that even other Chinese people go, “I don’t know what she’s saying.” And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong, for the most part, and in and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas, they speak Mandarin. And now, if you’re thinking, if you’re picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head, and it sounds really funny, you’re picturing Cantonese. because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn’t it? It’s the more flamboyant, you know what I mean? It’s the one with the extended-sounding words, you know. [IMITATES CANTONESE] “Tung maaaahh!” Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese, and that was the funniest shit I’ve heard in my life. ‘Cause sometimes they speak, and it sounds like they’re falling off a cliff, you know? [IMITATES CANTONESE] “Tung Laaaahhhh!” And if you’re not familiar with their languages, we wouldn’t even know if somebody wasn’t speaking Cantonese properly. I wouldn’t even know if the guy was stuttering when he’s speaking Cantonese, you know what I mean? He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn’t know. [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE] You just walk away from that guy, “He’s speaking his ass off over there. He’s…” But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language, you know what I mean? I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel, I was yawning and I’m walking to the lobby, apparently I say some shit in Chinese. I have no clue. I’m walking through and all I was like, “Oohh, aahh!” And the hotel manager ran out, “Hey, asshole! You don’t swear in the hotel, okay?” “You watch your mouth!” “Be a man!” But it’s a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean? Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing, and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year. I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin, and I’ll help you with it right now. Mandarin, you’ll know right away, now that you know what Cantonese sounds like. You’ll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin, ’cause it’s way different. It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean? It’s a little bit more relaxed. It sounds a little bit more aggressive, ’cause it sounds like they’re grinding their teeth when they’re speaking. Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that… [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Hao hao, se, se, sur.” [IMITATES MANDARIN] [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Sur, you son of a bitch!” Like that. Much very different, you know what I mean? And in Mandarin, they have… You know when you’re speaking English, we have words that we use to stall, ’till we get to the next word. Little shit words we shove into a sentence, words like ‘like,’ or ‘um,’ or ‘you know,’ ‘but uh,’ ‘sort of,’ ‘like, you know,’ ‘but you know.’ Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence, while we’re thinking up the next word, you know what I mean? To stall. Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use, and it sounds really messed up in English. But this… You know what I’m saying. This Chinese guy’s like, “I know! I know! I know the word.” So you know I’m not making it up, right? This is the word. All I hear while I’m in Beijing, people talking, all I’m hearing is uh… [IMITATES MANDARIN] [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Neegah…” “Neegah…” “Neegah, neegah, neegah…” That’s their word! Now this is a true story. I was at KFC in Beijing. ‘Cause I went to China to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So… I’m at KFC in Beijing, I’m standing in line, and standing in line in front of me is a black woman. I did not put her there. She was there. I swear, you can’t make this shit up. As I’m standing in line, there’s this black woman standing in line in front of me. The only black woman in China, and she found the chicken, that’s all I’m saying. All right? That’s all I’m saying. I don’t make the stereotypes, I just see them. So I’m standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me, and she’s a Nigerian woman. I know she’s Nigerian, ’cause she’s having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me. [IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT] “I don’t know what to order.” I’m like, “Look at the menu!” Right? So… She’s like “Eh!”ing and “Oh!”ing and everything’s okay then, right? So… I said “You should try the popcorn !Xhicken.” So… So I was standing in line, right? And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom, and he runs to the front of the counter, right? And he’s looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat, now his mom’s standing over there, and the Nigerian woman’s standing right here. And he’s trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat, but he’s not really sure. So all you see happening is uh… [IMITATES MANDARIN] “Neegah…” “Neegah…” “Neegah…” And the Nigerian woman looks at me, like I’m supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right? “Why don’t you hit him?” I’m like, “Here’s a straw. Get him yourself.” [BLOWGUN SOUND] I had a good time in China. You know what sucked, though, when I went to China? I’m not making this up. The airline lost my suitcase on the way to China. On the way. How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere? I get to China, I have nothing with me, right? ‘Cause they lost my suitcase. So I get to China, all I had with me, ’cause I’m an idiot, all I had was my hand luggage, and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player, a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines. ‘Cause I figured long trip like that I want to be entertained. And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant– My deodorant… will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China, which never met me in China. And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man, we need our deodorant, all right? Don’t give me the look, ’cause you know you need it. Don’t walk around, “No, no, I’m good, I’m just… I’m good.” No, no, no. You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That’s what you need. Because the rumors are already… people have already said, “Oh, Indian people, they stink!” Let me tell you something, Indian people don’t stink. Let me tell you what happens to my people. We expire quicker than other people. And after 25 hours on a plane, I was thoroughly expired. I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing, Chinese people there were going, “Oh, God, you stink.” “You’re from India.” “Well, go to hell!” “I’m from Canada.” “That’s how Canadians smell.” So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes, and I’m wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt, baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean? I’m… I’m dressed for comfort. I can’t go on stage like that, so I have to go to this mall in Beijing to go buy some clothes. Now, I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China, I’m Shaquile O’Neal. I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I’m like, “Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?” “Uh, no.” “How about an eight?” “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?” How about that? “Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?” “36 is too big!” “You’re too fat!” “Lose some weight, fat boy!” “Come back when you’re 30, 32 the most.” I’m like, “How can I not find clothes in China?” “Isn’t everything made there?” All in all, a good trip, though. I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer, I had to renew my passport. I don’t know about it in America, but in Canada, when you do passport photos, you’re not allowed to smile. That’s the new rule. You’re not allowed to smile. This is their way of fighting terrorism. This is how they’re gonna catch the terrorists. You can’t smile. That’s the message we’re sending you. If you can, If you’re traveling, you’d better not be happy. I didn’t know, right? I’m in the mall, I walked into one of those places that says “We do passport photos,” I walked in, I’m like, “Yo, I need some passport photos.” The guy goes “No problem, buddy. Sit down.” Which really pissed me off, cause he’s a white guy, and I don’t know why he’s talking like that, right? So… I think he was mocking me. So I sit down. The guy goes “You ready?” I go, “Yeah.” It’s a picture, and I’m a happy guy, so I figured, alright. He goes, “You ready?” And I smiled, I’m like this. The guy goes, “Sir, sir.” “Your lips need to be touching.” “Alright.” “Sir. Sir, you can’t smile.” Not like that, I can’t smile. Of course I’m… That’s their way. This is how they really think they’re going to find the terrorist. It’s by making you not smile. You wanna find the terrorist? Make everybody smile. And the people who don’t want to smile? Question them! Whenever you’ve been watching CNN, and they show you the terrorists that they’re looking for, and those guys are happy? Never! Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going, You know, there’s never the one joker terrorist guy with his thumb on the detonator, “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!” “I’ll… Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!” So I wasn’t allowed to smile. So now, if it wasn’t bad enough being a brown man, going to the airport, now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off. My picture in my passport looks like this. They’re taking my passport, “Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please.” “We’d like a few words with you.” It’s hard, man. The security at the airport, the Custom, Immigration, they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist and an Indian. We’re not the same! We’re not! We’re not from the same part of the world, we don’t speak the same language, we don’t eat the same food. We don’t even hate the same people. Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. A terrorist will blow up an airport. Indians like to work at the airport. “That will be counter-productive.” I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays, I understand to a certain degree, but I had one white guy like, “No, man. I don’t fly anymore.” “You never know what shit’s gonna go down up there.” I’m like, “What? Nothing’s going down up there, dude.” “Yeah, well, you never know.” And I understand, you know what I mean? You’re a little panicked a little bit, but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean? Think about it logically. Think about what airline you’re getting on. Where you’re getting on the plane, where you’re flying to, you know what I mean? That all factors in your whole terrorist theory. I was on a JetBlue flight. See? JetBlue is funny enough. I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia. It was like a 30-seat plane. [WITH INDIAN ACCENT] Plane. Oh my God, my Indian torrent is acting up. “30-seat plane.” We all go through it. So I get on board this little plane. It’s a 45 minute flight. I walked on board, this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes “Oh, my God!” I’m like, “What?” “You think I’m a terrorist?” “On freaking JetBlue?” “What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?” “Yeah, I don’t want to kill a lot of us today,” “tought I start off with 30.” “Tomorrow, Southwest.” Just think about it logically, you know. I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11, I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants. I sat down, the guy goes like this. [BREATHING NERVOUSLY] About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag, the guy goes, “Oh my God! No!” “What? Relax, you jackass.” “Just getting my Discman.” “Gotta listen to my instructions.” Glad Latinos are here, man. All six of you. You full Latino? You half? What are you? He does this. Half. That’s half? That’s how you cut him. What are you? What’s your mix? Uh, Puerto Rican and black. Puerto Rican and black. That’s not far off. They’re from New York, your parents? One is. One is? Which one? Puerto Rican? Is he really? Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That’s cool, man. We don’t– we don’t have any Puerto Ricans in Canada. We don’t have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here? You? One guy’s like… Are you full Mexican? Yup. Nice. What’s your name? Jose. Jose? Wow, just… just in case we didn’t believe him, you know? I like the Mexicans. Well, there’s no Mexicans in Canada either, man. There’s none. There’s no Mexicans in Canada. You should see how messed up our lawns are. Now, uh… What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive. “Oh, hey! That’s not…” “Everybody else, it’s fine.” “But you don’t say shit about the lawn.” It’s funny how defensive they got for you. You see that, Jose? They got your back. No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans, but we got a lot of– we got– we got Latinos, but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the, like, Chileans and all the, all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean? We got all them. But, see, I live in LA now. And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans, and one of my good friends, Jesus, “Hay-soos.” It’s just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That’s… “Who’s your friend?” “The son of God.” That’s uh… I like hanging around Jesus, man. ‘Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people, you know what I mean? You don’t ever mess up anything Spanish around them. They get very upset, like you’re supposed to know how to say their shit. I’m like, “Jesus, I’m gonna go get a burrito, man.” “Hey!” “It’s Buh-ree-toh.” “Holy shit. I’m sorryto, OK?” The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see? The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that–” a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know? That whole gangster thing. “Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?” They play it hard, you know? They– They got that intensity about them. Even Jesus will approach me, “Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?” “What? What did I do?” “Nothing. I’m just saying hi.” “Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?” The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys, they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know? Too much, to the point, like, where they’re trying to seduce everybody all the time. You know what I mean? I went to this Spanish club in Toronto. This girl goes, “Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando.” This guy turns around, and goes, “Hola.” [WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT] “I am Fernando.” I’m like, “You want to put your cock away, Fernando?” “I’m just trying to shake your hand. It’s uh…” “…not that kind of party.” But I like, I like the Latinos. ‘Cause you know why? They could have the most normal accent in the world, but the minute they start saying like a South American country, it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago. You know what I mean? “Hey, where you from?” “Well, I’m from here, but my family’s originally from Ecuador.” “What the hell happened to you just now?” And the more Spanish countries they say, the more it sounds like they’re going deaf, you know? “Well, I’m from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua.” “Eastern Guatemala.” [GIBBERISH] “Honduras.” [GIBBERISH] [GIBBERISH] “Peru! Peru!” I like cultural names. Cultural names are really cool, you know. I don’t have a cultural name. And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this. But my real name is Russell Peters. Both my parents are from India, and that’s the name they gave me. Russell Dominic… Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there! Do you know Indian history at all? At all? No, you don’t. You know why? I can tell you there’s no Indian history. The British were there for 400 years. You don’t think they fucked one or two of us? If they can steal all our jewelries, they can bang one or two of us. That’s my real name. Both my parents are from India, and they named me Russell Dominic Peters. Dominic. I got an Italian middle name. ‘Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India. [WITH ITALIAN ACCENT] Calcutta. You know, that part there. That’s it. You have a problem with my name? Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen. And my brother Julio. If I had an Indian name, I’d wear it proudly. You know what I mean? I don’t have one. If I had it, I would rock it very proudly. What’s your name, Mr. India over there? Anit. – Sorry? – Anit. Anit? See, that’s a neat name. That’s uh… Anit! Anit! Patel! Patel? Nice. Jose, that’s the equivalent right there. That’s uh… Anit Patel. That’s my brother, Amessy Patel. That’s my big brother, Aslob. Do you know what your name means? No. No? So sure that this wasn’t my name, but has no clue what your name… I don’t know what your name means either. I know what my name means. Russell. It sucks. You know what it means? To make a noise. It’s uh… It’s a shit name, it’s a shit joke, what do you want? I like the Indian names. I think, I think the Indian names are very cool. They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them. What’s your name, my little Sikh brother right there? What’s your name? Prabjoat. Sorry? Prabjoat. Prab? Jote. Not prebjoad, right? ‘Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn’t it? That would make his name Prab-fuck, That’s what his name would have been. Prebjoad. “Prebjoad! What are you doing? That’s…” Good solid Indian name, you know? I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means? What– See, he knows what his name means. Eh, Anit? What does it mean, Prab? God’s essence. God’s essence? God damn! What’s your sister’s name? Herbal Essence? What’s uh… “You sister smells great.” “That’s just Herbal.” “Herbal-joad.” God’s essence. That’s dope, man. I like the Indian names. I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but… I think a lot of– cultural names are cool. But if you’re gonna be, if you’re gonna have a cultural name, and you’re gonna move from another country to America, think about what that name means in English before you move here. You know what I mean? Think about how it’s gonna affect your life. ‘Cause some Indian names are really good. Some Indian names are really cool. And they mean a lot. But they’re really good in India. When they come here with those names, it just doesn’t cross over very well. I met an Indian dude, and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people. Um… I met an Indian guy, I swear to God, his real name was Sukhdeep. Sukh Deep. Could you imagine living your life with a name like Suck Deep? Somebody’s looking for you one day, “Yo, man.” “You Suckdeep?” “Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I…” “…don’t really like it, though. I…” And obviously it’s not pronounced ‘suck deep’ in my culture, you know what I mean? But if you were to read it, that’s how you read it. It’s spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P. The ‘H’ doesn’t help. ‘Cause now it sounds even worse. Suck huh Deep. “Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!” And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I’ve ever heard. And then a few months ago, I was in D.C., and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not, the guy’s real name was Hardik. H-A-R-D-I-K. Hardik! Who the hell name their kid Hard Dick? “Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants.” “Stop that. It’s not nice.” Hard dick. How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick? What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends? You’re a Punjabi, you know what I’m saying. You guys cross the line with us as well. I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep. Ram-in-deep! “Hey, get in there, Ramindeep.” Sure, it’s not pronounced like that, but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep. Just think, you know. And I don’t know why the Indian guys just can’t wrap– Indian people can’t wrap their head around my name. I don’t know why it’s that difficult. It’s very simple. Just go read a history book and it’ll all make sense to you. And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst. White people here. “Russell Peters.” “Oh, okay.” They don’t have a problem with it. They don’t get it. They just, “Oh, I don’t care. Yeah.” “Maybe he’s just a dark white guy. I don’t know what he is. It’s uh…” “Maybe somewhere south. I don’t know what he is.” I am– “Look, you’re not Christian, are you?” “Yes, I am.” South? No, not from the south. See, I’m not one of them. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not one of them. Those were converts. I was mixed. We don’t know when the mix happened. It just happened. We’re a long line of us. Indian people are the worst. ‘Cause uh… You tell my name to a white guy: “Russell Peters.” “How’re you doing? Nice to meet you.” Indian people, they’ll first want to question you. And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you, they’re the worst at it. They’re not very convincing. You can always tell when an Indian person’s trying to convince you to tell them something. ‘Cause when they’re trying to convince you, they give you this look like they’re taking a shit. They do. They’ll come like this. “Hey, Russell.” “Russell…” [STRAINING] “Russell…” It’s what they do. They’re not very convincing people, you know? Parents are the worst ’cause they– White parents are very direct, you know what I mean? You have white parents. Where are you? There you are, white guy. Yeah. What’s your name, buddy? Steve. Steve. Just in case– wow, there’s– Welcome to stereotype night. This is um… Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel. White parents are very direct. They want their kids to something? “Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room.” They tell you right away. Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things. And if they don’t make the shit face, they’ll take one word and try and make it sound convincing. You know? “Russell?” “Come.” “Coome.” “Cooome.” That’s their convincing sound. They’ll just take one word and extend it. [ELONGATED SOUND] I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night. They got to consummate the first day they met. “Are we going to have sex?” “Seex?” [MAKING ELONGATED SOUND] “Seeeex.” “Doggy style?” “Doogy?” “Dooooog.” Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don’t they? Yeah, they do. They do things. They just do shit when family comes over. That’s when they embarrass you. You can try and be as hardcore as you want, but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it’s over. They’re gonna embarrass you. Filipinos, you know what I’m saying. You guys always have that shit happen to you. “Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him.” “Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs.” “Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray.” “Go on. Do it.” “Do it. Ah, see. He’s so good. He’s so good.” Indian parents will do that too. I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance. There was… Yeah, I did. I was, all the time, just… That was me back in the day, man. But I remember, like, when I was 14, I’d be out there all day. “Come on, we’re gonna break. Come on, everybody. We’re gonna break.” “We’re gonna break all day, man!” And then when my family would come over, I didn’t want to like, break in front of them. My dad would be like, “Come, Russell.” “Show. Show uncle how you dance.” “Show uncle how you dance!” I’m like, “I don’t want to show him how I…” “Show him how you dance.” And you’re standing like an asshole. And your uncle’s like, “Oh, that’s very good. Is he retarded?” “I can’t tell what’s happening. It’s…” Yeah, Russell! Just embarrassed you, man. That’s a lot of energy. Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight? Oh, look at that. Nice, you imported your white meat. Nice job, sir. Where you from in England, ma’am? Are you from England? What part? I’m from Bedford. [WITH ENGLISH ACCENT] Bedford. Bedford. She said it so nicely. “I’m from Bedford.” I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?” But I really think it’s the only accent in the world you can’t do without making a ridiculous face every time you do it. “Yes, good evening, I’m from England.” “Ha!” “I’m from England.” “Ha!” Sometimes English people are OK, but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English. You know what I mean? You want to mess with English people? Next time you meet somebody from England and they tell you where they’re from, act like you’ve never heard of it. Oh, they get pissed off. “Hey, that’s an interesting accent. Where are you from?” “I’m from England. Ha ha!” “I’m sorry. Where?” “England.” “Haah!” “I’ve never heard of it.” “England?” “Ha?” “Little island, beside” [WHEEZING] “Europe.” “Is that near Miami?” “England, you bloody fool!” “I believe you are speaking our language.” “I’m speaking English, dude. I don’t know what the hell you’re speaking right now.” “You’re speaking constipatese or something.” “I don’t know what that is,” “but you need fiber, jeeves.” “England. Ha!” It just– It looks ugly sometimes, you know? I think that’s why English guys don’t get laid a lot, man. Women don’t want that pounding them, do they? “Oh, God, ooh, ahh!” “Aah!” “What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!” “That is smashing! Oh! Aah!” “Ooh, aha! Oh!” “Oh my God, I’m arriving! Ah!” How long have you been in America for? Twelve, thirteen years? And you guys met in England, obviously, because he’s a brown man. ‘Cause I don’t know if you’re aware of this now, but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India. It’s true. They’re all there. And the British are so pissed off that we’re there. They’re mad ’cause there’s so many of us, and… as a brown man, when I walk around England, I can feel it, hear them under their breath. “Go home, you brown bastards!” “Ha!” And they’re mad. They’re mad because there’s so many Indian people in England. And that’s not our fault. That’s the British people’s fault. You guys started it. You went to India first. We didn’t ask you to come over. 1600. They just showed up. They stayed for 400 years. 1947, they just got up and left. We were like, “No, no, no. Wait.” “We’re coming with you.” “You can’t just come here and leave.” “What the hell are you going to eat?” “Coming.” “Coming?” “Coome.” My white American friends, I uh… Steve, your families from America? Nice. And you’re married to a brown girl, right? Nice. How long have you guys been married for? Eleven years. Eleven years? Nice. You know what’s funny? Nowadays, eleven years is “Wow!” Back then, “Eleven? That’s it?” Now it’s like, “Wow, you made it.” We have three kids. Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice. Nice, good job, huh? Indian women are good. They’re sexy, right? Spicy. Spicy, though, huh? If you’re going down on her, better take a glass of water, that’s all I’m saying. You know what I mean? That’s all I’m saying. “Uh, huh! Huh!” [MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE] White people, my white American friends, I’m here to tell you something, alright? I like you. And I’m not just saying that to say it. I’m telling you for a reason. Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years. They’ve really taken some strides. And I feel bad for them too because white people– we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced that they’re racist. We have them so scared to notice anything of color, that they’re afraid to describe things accurately now. I was working at this comedy club. One of my black friends came down to hang out with me, and the doorman comes up and goes, “Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by.” “He was a black guy?” “I don’t know.” “I didn’t notice.” “What do you mean, you didn’t notice?” “What he look like?” “He was tall.” “Curly hair.” “What was his name?” “Uh, LeRoy.” “Was he black?” “I don’t know, uh, I…” “He could’ve been. I mean, maybe, I don’t know.” “If you say he’s black, maybe he was. I don’t know.” We’ve got white people so scared to describe things with color, we’ve got them so convinced that they’re racist. It’s awful, because you know, the thing is, white people will never be as racist as we are. Not in your life. White folks can never be that racist. Indian people, Asian people, we’re all very racist. Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people. They’re like, “Oh, look at all those brown people.” “They’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group. We’re like, “Hey, you’re from India?” “I’m from India. What part?” “Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!” “I don’t want to know you.” Every group does it. Asians will do it. Look. “Oh, I’m Chinese.” “You’re Chinese? Where are you from?” “I’m from Kung Chao.” “I’m from Ow Bay.” “Oh, you go. So stupid. I’ll go.” “Oh, that’s so bad. I don’t like. Don’t talk to me, asshole!” Every culture does it. It’s so bizarre, man. White folks don’t have that problem. White guy’ll see another white guy, “Hey, where are you from?” “I’m from Tennessee. Where you from?” “I’m from New York.” “Well, let’s have a drink.” “Alright, let’s go. Ha ha!” That’s it. They don’t care. They just… “Hey, look. Another white guy.” White people, it’s OK to be proud of yourselves, you know. It’s OK to feel proud. It’s not a bad thing. I mean, sometimes you get carried away and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but… That’s– You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that. You know what I mean? You should– But, white people, you really have, you know, changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean? You’ve very graciously let immigrants into your country. I mean, you know, the country you took. You know, but whatever. You know what I mean? Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean? Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean? Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people. No problem. Alright. You know what I mean? You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over. Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know, let’s forget about all that. We’re in the 21st century now. It’s time to move on. I’m glad that you stole this land. You know why? ‘Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land. You know, Christopher Columbus, your Great Discoverer? He was looking for India when he found North America. That jackass was lost. He wasn’t even in the right part of the world. And he knew this wasn’t India. Why do you think the native people here were called Indians? ‘Cause he didn’t want to look stupid in front of his whole crew. He’s like, “Fellas, that must be India.” “And those must be Indians.” Meanwhile we’re standing on the shores of India going, “Where the hell is Chris?” “The son of a bitch is late.” But you really have. You know, white folks have been very gracious, and they’ve opened up their borders and let the immigrants in, and they didn’t ask questions. They’re like, “Alright, come on in, immigrants.” “Become an American with us and settle down and be an American.” “It’s all good. Don’t worry about it.” We all came in, and white people were very friendly. “Nice. come on in. Thanks– thanks for coming.” “Sure, sit down. Have a seat.” You know. Be an American with us. It’s all good. And you did it very graciously. You never asked questions, and they never said, “What do you want here? Here, you get out.” They never did that. They were just like, “Come on in, come on. Sit down.” “Be one of us.” And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean? And you look at the immigrants, and you say, “Look at all those immigrants,” “so happy to be here.” And you think that the immigrants, ’cause they all smile and say, “Hello, Mr. American, how are you?” “Good day, sir.” And then you don’t realize that every immigrant that’s ever come to this country, comes to America and talks shit about you. Every immigrant, doesn’t matter where they come from. They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa, doesn’t matter. The immigrants come here and they talk shit behind the Americans’ backs. And I don’t like it ’cause I was born in North America, so it pisses me off. but I’m telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing. It’s very irritating. You came from England, you probably said it too. And you’re white, lady. See, even white people do it. See what I mean? But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say, “Oh, Americans have no culture.” That’s what they say. That’s the first thing– My dad used to say it. “Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture.” I go, “Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,” “which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,” “which means, they have culture.” “No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me.” “What? What? Whaaat?” “Whaaaat?” “What’s their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture.” I’m like, “First of all, hamburgers and what?” “Hoddogs.” “What the hell is ‘hoddogs’?” “Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?” “You mean, hot dogs?” “Don’t try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?” But, white people, it’s not fair. White Americans, it’s not fair that immigrants come here and tell you that you have no culture because you do have things that are your culture. Black American culture is very distinct. You can look at it and go, “That’s black American culture.” They don’t need to prove anything. But the white folks always have something to prove, and I’m here to tell you you do have a culture. And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean? When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on. And it’s not like we didn’t enjoy your culture too. We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did which made it your culture, which made it you. You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level.. White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know? You know, then they don’t have to do a lot. “I just go to follow what that guy’s doing?” “That’s perfect. We’ll do that.” ‘Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. “White people can’t dance.” That’s not true. It’s not fair. White people can dance. You just choose to do too many dances at the same time. That’s where the problems kick in, you know what I mean? You can’t salsa and do the running man. It just doesn’t look right, alright? But white folks generally love the audience participation songs. You know what I mean? And we enjoyed ’em too. Uh, the Macarena. I mean, it started off as a Latino thing, but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it, you know what I mean? They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean? We all did the Macarena, but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot. We went, “That’s a white people’s dance.” “Good on you, whities.” “Enjoy yourselves.” ‘Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that. When they hear their music that they like, they get this joyous look in their eyes. And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that. There are certain songs. The Macarena. The chicken dance. That’s the white people’s song, man. You know the chicken dance. [HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE] You losers! Arriba! No, we’re gonna stick with the chicken dance for now. I like the chicken dance. That’s a white people’s– [HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE] You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance? The minute they play the chicken dance, that’s how you know the dance floor’s open. ‘Cause white people lose their mind. The bridesmaids, “Oh, my God, the chicken dance!” And the song’s tricky ’cause it gets faster. You never know what’s gonna happen next, you know? And then there’s like the song that I believe is like the white– the white people’s national anthem, you know? I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, and there was this nightclub playing this song. And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street. And white people were walking by and driving by, and they stopped dead in their tracks to do the YMCA. White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA. Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard, got out of their car, and didn’t do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like, They do like this. I was like, “Wow, this guy’s into it.” People were honking their horns. “Move it!” “Go around, asshole! I’m doing the YMCA over here!” He was like, And everybody was doing it. And I saw how much joy was in their eyes. And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know? I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went, “Yes, white people. Have fun.” And I felt good for you, you know what I mean? And then I started to feel bad. Not for you, but for me and my people, and other Asian groups. Because our alphabet is not set up for songs like that. There’s never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know? [IMITATING CHINESE] “This fun to stay on top!” Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night. Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen! Russell Peters! I think they want some more. Do you want more? He can’t hear ya! Here he is, guys! Russell Peters! Alright! Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release, and for Comedy Central. I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but this part will definitely be on the DVD. And this is part of the last time I’m gonna do this joke, ’cause I’m retiring it after this. And uh… No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards! Now, listen, when this DVD comes out, I don’t want you motherfuckers to go and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright? I know how you are. Please, go and buy this. This comes out, buy this one. Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable. One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do. See that? “I do! I do!” “That’s me!” That’s right. Now, I’m gona do this right now for ya. Now, white folks. I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far. Now I’ve talked about white people already, and I’m… but I’ve gotta talk to you a little bit more. ‘Cause um… Because I’ve gotta talk to you about your parenting skills. Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated. When I hear them, “You shouldn’t beat your children.” “Don’t beat your kids. Talk to them.” “Give them a time out.” Beat the motherfuckers! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. White folks, please beat your children. ‘Cause non-white parents will beat their kids. Your dad’s a Puerto Rican, your mom’s black, they must’ve whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh? “Hey, son, come here.” “What’s that for?” “I know you did some shit when I wasn’t here.” Mexican parents will do, “Mira!” They’ll beat you, man. Indian parents aren’t afraid to kill their kids if they have to, you know what I mean? We’re the second largest population in the world. Reproduction is not a big deal. My dad’s theory was, “If I get rid of one, I’ll just make another one.” “Then I’ll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was.” You’ve gotta beat your kids, folks. Please. I know a lot of white people don’t beat them, but I don’t understand why you won’t beat your kids. Please beat them. If you have kids, and you haven’t beaten them, when you go home tonight, shit, when you turn off this DVD, I want you to go into your kid’s room and “Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?” “Hey. Sleeping?” “Yeah?” “That’s good. Have it here?” “Uh huh, yeah?” Whack! Just one below. Whack, you know. He’s already lying down, he’ll sleep it off. Don’t worry about it, alright? You gotta beat ’em, and I’ll tell you why. Because white kids are now going to school with with black kids, and brown kids, and Asian kids, and they’re going to school with multi-cultural kids. And all those kids get beaten. And they’ll all be hanging on the playground, having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They’ll be– they’ll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night. Black kid, “My dad beat my ass.” Indian kid, “My dad beat my ass, too.” Asians, “I got my ass whupped.” Do you want that white kid to feel left out? Beat him, so he’s not a social outcast. “I got sent to my room.” “You got a room?” Beat them! Please. And I’ll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else? Because when– when white kids hang around non-white kids, we tend to look at them for advice. And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice on how to deal with our parents. I remember when I was 10 years old, I hang around this white kid, Ryan. Ryan’s parents never beat him, and they never even yell at him. He could do anything he wanted, and nothing was gonna happen to him. But he was an angry kid. I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes, “Ryan, go clean your room.” “Fuck you, bitch!” His mom goes, “What am I gonna do with him?” Well, beat his ass! I go, “Ryan, you can’t talk to your mom like that.” “Yes I can, she’s a fucking idiot!” “Don’t say that, man. She’ll hit you.” “No she won’t. She’s not allowed to.” “What are you talking about, dude?” “My parents hit me.” “Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off.” “Are you sure?” “Trust me. It works for me.” So I went home for the last time. I walked in the house, my dad goes, “Russell, come and do the dishes.” “Fuck you, dad!” “What the hell did you just said to me?” “Do I look like Ryan’s mom?” “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” That was my dad’s threat. Right before he beat me. Every single time. “Russell,” “somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” I hated that threat. You know why? ‘Cause he always say ‘somebody.’ He’d never tell you it’s you. I mean, you knew it was you. But he gives you this hope. “Russell!” “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” “Somebody.” “I’m not gonna say who.” “Oh, I think you might know him very well.” I’m at the back praying, “I hope it’s my brother, man. Please.” “Beat Julio’s ass.” I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later, I was like, “Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!” He goes, “Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part.” “If he’s still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services.” “Why?” “‘Cause if you phone Child Services, they’ll come and take your dad away,” “and he’ll get in trouble. You won’t even have to call,” “just pretend. It’ll scare the shit out of him.” You’re 10 years old, you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad, that’s like finding kryptonite. I thought I’d try it. I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go, “Don’t do it!” “I’ll phone Child Services.” You ever had your parents called your bluff? “You’ll do what?” “I’ll phone Child Services.” “Is that right?” [SHIVERING SOUND] “Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy.” “What are you doing?” “If I phone Child Services, you’ll get in trouble.” “I might get into a little bit of trouble.” “But I know that it’s going to take them 22 minutes to get here.” “In that time,” “somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.” Thank you very much! Good night. [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

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Bill Burr: The Philadelphia Incident (2006) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-the-philadelphia-incident-2006-transcript/

NEW! The full transcript of Bill’s monologue at the SNL is now available here In 2006 Bill Burr and many of the regular comedians of The Opie & Anthony Show were on The Traveling Virus Comedy Tour, hitting large venues around the nation. Things went south when the tour came to the Philadelphia. From the jump, the unruly Philly crowd set the tone of the night by booing the first comedian off the stage and then proceeded to give hell to all other comedians on the bill. When the artist before him was booed off the stage, Burr decided to go on the offensive. Burr then spent his 12 minute set picking apart every thing about the city from its food, its sports teams, its icons, all while receiving boos from the audience. However, Burr would not let the crowd get him like they did the previous acts and kept hammering the audience until some started to turn in his favor. By the time the 12 minute set (which Burr counted down every passing minute) was over, much of the crowd gave the comedian a standing ovation. Partly because he was actually quite funny and partly because he made it through the gauntlet and didn’t back down. That night Burr became the tamer of unruly audiences and earned an incredible amount of respect from comedians and working class audiences that now adore him. * * * [crowd boos] Oh Fuck all you people you ya know what you fucking losers, I hope you all fucking die, and I hope those fucking Eagles never win the Superbowl. Go fuck yourselves. [boos] Fuck all you motherfuckers and fuck the Flyers. Fuck all of you. Bunch of goddamn fucking losers. Booing Dom Irerra. Suck a dick. All of you. Suck a fuckin dick How’s that? Yo – I’m seguewaying into my next joke. You can all lick my fucking red nuts. All of yas…can line up with your Harold Carmichael fuckin jerseys, and one at a time you can all suck my dick. City of Brotherly Love. You bunch of fuckin cocks. Fucking goddamn losers. 52 fuckin hours into a show. What the fuck am I gonna do at this point. You people are on goddamn acid. Fuckin be up here talking about Hitler. That aint’ gonna work. What do you want me to talk about. Say it. Throw out some topics Let’s talk about heart disease, something you’re all gonna fuckin die of. And I’m gonna laugh at your fucking funerals which is gonna be great. You’re all gonna get fuckin cancer which is fantastic because all your fucking heads are shaved anyway no one’s even gonna notice. You’re gonna get fired for coming to work too late cause they’re not gonna notice that you have fucking bone marrow cancer. The only thing that’s gonna give it away is me laughing at you in the fucking background. You fucking bunch of losers with your fucking cellphone pictures Fucking suck a dick. Fucking assholes. 11 more minutes of this I hope you all get in your Ford Focuses and fucking drive off the side of that faggot ass Ben Franklin bridge. You fucking one bridge having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about. The terrorists will never bomb you people ‘cause you’re fucking worthless and no one cares about you. You are this high above New Orleans. No one gives a shit. FEMA would never show up for you fuckin’ assholes. I hope your mother has herpes in the center of her asshole and you go home tonight and lick it and get it on your tongue and some other horrific shit happens that involves cancer – all of you. 11 minutes left. I hope somebody takes a fuckin beer stein and just slaps you in the back of your zit infested fucking shoulders and your awful man tits hang. I hope that happens to you. I hope the glass gets fuckin into your fuckin shoulder blades and then I see you afterwards “Hey how’s it going” [simulates slapping a good friend in the back] Enjoy the fuckin show? That’s great. I’d grab you buy the fuckin hair but you don’t have any. Does it really have to come to this people? Does it really have to come to this? I really hope all of you run into all those black people that you love so much here in Camden. I really hope that happens. I hope there’s a line of all of you guys getting fuckin car jacked and they take out their big black dicks and they just shove them right in your fucking mouths. Each and every one of you and somehow they just keep repeatedly cumming right in your fucking eyeballs, so that it builds up so much that your eyes fucking crust over. You can’t see shit. Somehow there’s another dick in there for you to suck. 10 minutes left. [CHEERS] What do you want? Is this what you want? Bunch of fucking losers. Fucking Rocky is your hero. The whole pride of your city is built around a fuckin guy who doesn’t even exist. You got fuckin Joe Frazier is from there but he’s black so you can’t fuckin deal with him, so you make a fucking statue for some 3 ft fuckin Italian you stupid philly cheese-eatin fucking jackasses. I hope the cheese melts your faces off. All of you collectively SUCK a FUCKIN DICK. Fuckin boo me 9 hrs. into a fuckin show. You and your fuckin Donovan McNabb shirt. I hope he snaps both his fuckin ankles the first goddamn game. I hope you go 0-15. I SAID SUCK A DICK 8 MINUTES left. 8 fuckin minutes left. The Flyers. Do they even fuckin exist anymore? Bunch of goddamn pansies. Never won shit, since fuckin Gerald Ford was in office. Why don’t ya just get the fuckin Ice Capades down there you assholes. You probably won’t even notice the fuckin difference. That fuckin pussy team. Remember that had that whole season when they wore the slacks. You bunch of faggots. What else what else. I got your mothers. 8 Minutes I’m doin it all. I’m fuckin standing here. I broke the mic stand. I have a little fuckin cane now. I’m gonna be the little observational comedian here. What’s that sir? What do you have to say sir? Never passed the fuckin 8th grade. What brilliant shit are you gonna fuckin tell me? Go back to the dock and unload some shit. Fucking warehouse working, weed smoking, fucking disappointment to your mother. 7 MINUTES left. 7 Mother fucking minutes left. And I’m doin ALL FUCKING SEVEN. You fucking assholes. Fucking standing backstage for 3 hours to get booed by this GED fuckin stupid-ass piece of shit fuckin crowd. Bunch of fucking losers. I hope your fucking radios fall on your heads tomorrow. Fucking antennas go right in your fucking ears. Fall out of one of those piece of shit buildings. Fuck all of you and fuck the liberty bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass. What do you think about that? All of you mother fuckers. I hope that bridge collapses onto your pathetic lives. Go fuck yourselves. 6 Minutes left and I will be selling my CD after this shit you mother fuckers [CHEERS] and the only way one you’re getting one is if I throw one at your fuckin stupid heads. Bunch of racist fucking morons. Look at this. What are you taking a picture of E-Rock? Huh? This is right here is the theme of my set – a broken mic stand. What’s left, the Phillies that faggot ass team named named after a female horse. Bunch of pussies. You won one fucking world series since 1880. Suck a dick. Bring Tug McGraw back from the dead you fucking jackasses. Maybe you’ll win another one. It aint’ ever happening. It ain’t ever fuckin happen. With your red candy-striped faggot fuckin uniforms. Your team should be selling cotton candy in the fucking instructional league. You have a soccer team? That’s all I got left. Huh. You got a fuckin ping pong team? Some other shit-assed team that’s never gonna win a championship. You haven’t won a SuperBowl since they had facemasks. You fuckin jackasses. Roman Gabriel running around without a fuckin helmet. Oh suck a dick. Who’s he your dad or something? You don’t know who the fuck he is. I had to buy a fuckin shirt for this shit. Went to the Banana Republic, picked a 20 dollar shirt off the rack. This gotta be fucking ridiculous. Getting booed by people sittin in the fucking grass. Goddamn lawn seats. Fun isn’t it. It’s great. I should get fucking paid right now people. I’m getting paid to shit all over you guys and your stupid fucking rock t-shirts of bands that no one gives a fuck about. 4 MINUTES LEFT. Your fucking Rush T-Shirts that say I beat the shit out of my girlfriends. That felt great. That I really feel great. I wanna thank you guys for having me. You guys were phenomenal [Crowd Cheers] Oh no.. I got 4 minutes left. 4 minutes left To fuckin talk about you CUNTS. That’s not bad 12 minute rant. That’s the first time I said cunt. That’s a fucking record. I’m gonna finish my set by takin this mic stand base like a fuckin disc. I hope I hit a baby in the fuckin head. The one fuckin kid that would actually go to college in this fucking crowd. What’s that sir? Dave Chappelle. Yes. He’s not here. I wish I was on his fuckin tour right now. Maybe I wouldn’t have a bunch of cunts not fuckin paying attention 4 hours into a goddamn show. 3 FUCKIN MINUTES LEFT. 3 minutes left of this motherfuckin tirade. What’s that? Sir why are you screaming? You’re in the front row, you dumb fuck. God I hope mass aids, full blown, like fuckin you get weak as you walk to your fuckin car and you just pass out and they just find you next to your ’83 Fucking Monte Carlo with gravel imbedded into the fuckin side of your bald ass fuckin head. [someone offstage interjects] What about not fucking interrupting me you jackass. Play the fucking records. I’m fucking trying to deal with this bullshit. Jesus Christ the goddamn people on this show are givin me shit. So anyways back to the joke. So I got a computer recently people.. . [CROWD GOES NUTS] Fuckin Motherfuckers. 2 MINUTES LEFT. The last two minutes is gonna be my rider for the rest of this fucking tour. I got one first. I do 3 minutes. That’s’ it I come out here with a fuckin gun right. That’s what I do. I come out here with a fuckin gun, hollow tip bullets, and I just start fuckin shooting people. OK. Everyone’s chained to their fuckin chairs and just start blowing your fucking brains out. Just one after another. 2 to the back of the head. I just blow all your fuckin brains out. I would really enjoy blowing everbody’s fucking brains out. The next day somebody’s mopping up the 3 pounds of fucking brains that are actually left in this goddamn crowd. 1 MINUTE LEFT IN THE PERIOD. [cheers] Listen. This doesn’t change anything. I still fuckin hate you people. I hate this fuckin city. I hate the way you eat with your little shitty ass subway. Why don’t you fucking build something for Joe Frazier. You all gonna go see Rocky 19. Dude I think he can win! Alright listen I’m out of time. You guys were here man. Thank you very much. All of you go fuck yourselves in your own assholes. Have a good night. Original source: https://www.wackbag.com/threads/bill-burr-tirade-a-transcript.51531/

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Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-chewed-up-transcript/

Filmed at the Berklee Performance Center in Boston, March 1, 2008 Hello, alright… thank you, alright f*ggot how you doin’ Sorry, I called him a f*ggot. I miss that word, k’now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never meant gay. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know what gay was, I hadn’t been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea. F*ggot didn’t mean gay. When I was a kid, you called someone a f*ggot because they were being a f*ggot, y’know. Someone’s just being a f*ggot. “Neee,” Shut up f*ggot. “You’re not supposed to use those for that.” Shut up f*ggot. I would never call a gay guy a f*ggot, unless he was being a f*ggot. But not because he’s gay, do you understand? If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don’t know why I’m watching them do it, but if I just happened to. I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on their respective “penisia” That’s plural for penis that I invented today… “penisia” I would be respectful to them, y’know, “Hello gentlemen.” But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and started acting all f*ggy and saying annoying f*ggy things. “You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians” or something like that. I’d be like “hey shut up f*ggot, FAAAAGGGOOT” Quit being a f*ggot and suck that dick, that’s what I would say to them. I don’t know, I wouldn’t call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that’s awesome, I respect you. Because I can’t do it, I mean I haven’t tried and failed, I just, I put myself there in my mind and I couldn’t do it because I’m afraid, that’s the only reason That’s why, if you can suck a dick I think that there’s a strength in being able to do that, I believe that. I don’t believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody, even if it’s something you generally do, every new dick must take somethin’ outta you. There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready, y’know, “[clears throat] okay, here we go” [exhales] “ahaha, you.. I’m gonna suck ya” “muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!” So, f*ggot, I don’t know. A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become bad and become hard to use. There’s words that I love that I can’t use because other people use them wrong to hurt other people. Like the word c*nt is a beautiful word, to me there’s just beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it’s chocolate-y and round on the ends. I just… c*nt, I just like the way it sounds. I don’t use it as an insult, I’ll be alone in the laundry like “c*nt, c*nt” I just like saying it I would never call a woman a c*nt, except for my mom because she likes it for some weird reason, but.. it’s a very misused word, it’s supposed to mean vagina, which I don’t think works at all because vagina’s are so sweet they’re little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina. Even for vaginas that’s too harsh, they should be called like “fala-lala” There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina just all the time, a little butterfly. You go to the doctor and he’s like “Well the butterfly looks good so we’re in good shape” How do you look at something that pretty and say “That’s a C*NT” that doesn’t fit at all. Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles Then you can say “Hey, somebody shoot that c*nt with a bazooka!” It’s gonna step on the candy store! So, f*ggot, c*nt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by. To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say “the N-word” not n*gger by the way, I mean “the N-word,” literally whenever a white lady on CNN says “the N-word” that’s just white people getting away with saying n*gger. They found a way to say n*gger, “N-word”, it’s bullshit because when you say “the N-word” you’re putting n*gger in the listener’s head. That’s what saying a word is. You say “the N-word” and I go “Oh, she means n*gger,” you’re making ME say it in my head. Why don’t YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility. With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don’t hide behind the first letter like a f*ggot. Just say n*gger you stupid c*nt. I don’t know, I don’t care. Somebody’ll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don’t really… I thought the word n*gger the other day, it wasn’t even racist. Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don’t like Starbucks anymore because they don’t care anymore. They just press a button and some old lady’s diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you. So I go to a young people’s cool coffee place with all the band’s playing notice on the walls, it’s called like “The Howling Dew” or something. The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he’s like “hey what’s up man” And I was like “Hey can I get a cappuccino?” and he’s like “Yeah, right on, totally,” like he’s amazed that he can help me. “Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!” And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing [click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don’t know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it. and he’s like “Here ya go man,” and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was “That n*gger made the shit outta my coffee” I don’t know why, he wasn’t black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was “that n*gger made the shit outta my coffee” I don’t know, I don’t care I’m all sweaty, I don’t feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y’know that kinda.. y’know it’s bad to like jerk off and run out the door ’cause you run into somebody like “uggh, she knows,” you gotta like take some time along to process the shame. I just can’t stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don’t know why, I’m not using the information, it’s not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am. I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230… 240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay. You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I’m pretty sure it’s not your age plus 200 pounds. That doesn’t seem like.. Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each. So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me. And it’s really bad ’cause I’m 40, and my doctor’s like, “Yeah, you gotta be less people… you can’t be so much… He just told me, “This is bad.” And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there’s habits, like there’s a pattern. It’s just chaos, and awfulness. It’s just desperate, constant… He’s like, “How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?” I’m like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It’s just a blur, I’m just shittin’ and eatin’ all day. I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that’s it. Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits? And he’s trying to get a handle on my… He’s like, “Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?” I’m like, “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That’s when I, that’s when I stop.” I guess normal people eat ’til they’re like, “Oh, that’s, I guess that’s all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it. I will cease the intake now… and convert this into useful energy throughout the day.” No. Every time I eat it ends with me, “Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don’t wanna look at that shit, that’s uggghh…. It’s all right here too, it’s like ucckkhhh. [exhales] I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It’s gonna be bad later, ugggh.” I can’t take care of myself. And I’m always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just… like, this is, such a bummer. Like… it’s my nightmare, it’s my whole life. Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I’m so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers. Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area, and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he’s got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y, red, sweaty, just like… This looks like a pig’s ass when I’m naked. Like even my dick is curly like the tail… This is a pig’s ass. And I pull briefs on and they’re just go “Grrrrrrunhhh!” and they just grab my dick and balls, “Here’s your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!” And they just dig up in there with this viciously sharp cotton, and “Owwww!” And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth, just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were worse because they’re, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other… I need everything to be segregated down here. I went ’cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he’s like “Yeah your ankle is just worn out” I was like “What do you mean, I injured my ankle?” and he’s like “No, it’s just shitty now.” “You see that dark area? Bleck, it’s all hardened… they get like that and they’re not good anymore.” I was like “Well goodbye? There’s nothing? There’s no option, it’s just incurable shitty ankle? That’s it?” And he goes, “Well, there’s things you can do… you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle” I was like, “How long will that take to fix it?” and he’s like “No, you just do that now, that’s just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die.” I was like, “Dude this hurts a lot” and he goes, “Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn’t matter don’t pay attention to the dosage” I’m like “really?” and he goes “Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you’d be fine,” he say take 10 Aleve a day.. I said, “Doesn’t that stuff like hurt your intestines?” he goes, “Oh yeah, it’ll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting.” This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like “What if I was like an athlete or something?” he goes, “You’re not an athlete..” “So no to whatever else you were about to say” It’s bleak. It’s harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can’t see out of her left eye, it just shut off… The last time we went to see her she’s like “I can’t see out of my left eye” and we’re all like, “Uggh, hey what was Christmas like in the ’40s?” Maybe that’d run out the clock on the eye thing if we’re luck, y’know? So I go to her doctor, he’s always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say “She can’t see out of her left eye at all.” And I swear to god he goes, “Well she’s probably got a bunch of tumors in her head.” I swear to god, that’s exactly what he said… I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this particular diagnosis. He said that she’s PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He’s a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said “fucking head” I swear to god. Like that’s what he was thinking, “she’s probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old c*nt will be dead in a week, I ain’t gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye” “What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don’t love her enough” I ain’t there yet, I’m halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either. I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young. And it’s not okay, he brings them around and you’re like “Dude.. don’t” like I literally pointed at her face and said “Don’t fuck her, that’s awful” because it’s just bad, y’know? But so he was going to have sex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said “I’m gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex” I was like, “Who told you that that mattered?” and he goes, “Well you can cum more if you drink milk” This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, “Oh dude that’s perfect! Just send that right through” “Nobody will know the difference, just send it through” You run outta cum and milk it doesn’t matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat’s face, whatever he was doing… What? I’ll cum on my cat’s face. If she’s watching, she’s gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It’s her fault now. Cum on my cat’s face once, shame on me… …I don’t have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat’s face I’m not trying to take that back, I just don’t happen to have a cat. I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and… yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls. Which is something you know can’t un-know. You just know it. I did this. And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn’t sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him… And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn’t refuse I think that’s probably the fairest way to put it. I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog’s face, he was like “aww fuck, dude what’s wrong with you?” “Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?” “Alright fine, let’s do it, I’m doing it I don’t care, look you gotta live with it ’cause I’ll be dead in like 2 years I’m a dog, this is your problem.” Sorry I’m being so negative… I’m a bummer, I don’t know, I shouldn’t be, I’m a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I’m healthy, I’m relatively young. I’m white which thank god for that shit. That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin’ me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you’re not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good. Let me be clear by the way, I’m not saying white people are better. I’m saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue? If it was an option, I would re-up every year. “Oh I’ll take white again, I’m absolutely enjoying it, I’ll stick with white thank you.” Here’s how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can’t fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like “Hey anything before 1980 no thank you” But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don’t even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, “Welcome we have a table right here for you sir.” “Thank you, it’s lovely here in the year 2.” I can go to any time. In the past, I don’t want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we’re gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that. We’re not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They’re gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now “weeeeee” Now if you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole It is great, and I’m a man. How many advantages can one person have I’m a white man, you can’t even hurt my feelings. What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? “Hey cracker!” “Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn’t have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag.” I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs. The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house… So I’m driving to Walgreens, it was night-time and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they’re everywhere up there. I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I’d see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country and you see a deer and everybody is like, “Turn off the car, don’t scare it, it’s just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it’s just so mysterious and beautiful. God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer” But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they’re just rats with hooves They don’t matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They’re assholes. They’re shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks. And they don’t care, they’re like [farts][scoffs], they don’t care. I don’t have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn’t feel anything. I’d just go, “Oh look, he’s dead, that’s interesting. I guess that’s what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth.” I’d go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second I mean it, I mean it. So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does “DUH,” that whole thing. And they he won’t just go, he’s like “Can I go? Can I- Can I go?” and I’m like, “Fucking GO!” “I don’t know if I can, I don’t-” “Just GOOO!” And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics. I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck. And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died. And I’m glad he’s dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods, “I’m glad you’re dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you f*ggot, c*nt, n*gger deer.” So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going. I gotta by drugs all the time ’cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth. Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat. I’m like, “Thank honey, I’m sick right now I can feel it already.” She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret. And she thinks you tell secrets into people’s mouths. She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs]. Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me. And by the way, she’s 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear.. Like she’s gonna tell me a secret and I’m gonna go “Holy shit are you serious? Oh my god. Honey, I won’t tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on Christmas eve? Oh my god.” She’s 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters. She’s never said anything actually important in her entire life. I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different. Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they’re beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don’t have to fucking hear any of it. And that’s an important distinction. If you’re a parent, you just start making it because you can’t listen to them all the time when they’re talking because they’re talking all the time. And they just talk whenever, they don’t give a shit what you’re doing, or if it’s a good time. I’m in a shootout with the cops and she’s telling me all kinds of shit. She doesn’t care because she’s 5. They’re self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, “No go ahead and finish, I’ll tell you after it’s fine.” They just can’t. And sometimes it’s impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of ’em. And we’re in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I’m carrying… She can walk but she won’t, she’s a bullshitter. So I’m carrying her. And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She’s tiny but she’s got the density of a dying sun, I don’t understand how she’s this heavy. It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that’s what she feels like. And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it’s sending signals to my brain like, “You don’t love her, just drop her, she doesn’t matter just let her die.” So I’m fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it’s her I haven’t looked back in about an hour. I’m just dragging somebody tiny. Through many stranger’s thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don’t give a shit. I’m in a hurry because my pocket’s vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit. And I’m yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, “I’m fucking coming, shut up!” And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground. What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really? What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, “What’s that sweetie? Go ahead, what’s that?” “Excuse ME sir!” “Go ahead, it’s fine. Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that’s very true. It’s a good thing I didn’t miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face.” What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that. I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words. I was doing the dishes and I just hear, “Daddy, I don’t like chicken.” I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It’s a big moment. A week later, I’m making dinner and she goes, “Daddy I don’t like chicken.” “Well we’re fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don’t like chicken, I don’t like you, I don’t like people that make me work and don’t appreciate what I make for them.” “You don’t like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much. “You’ll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass ’cause that’s where it’s going if you don’t eat it, seriously.” “I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw.” I got to feed her. She’s gotta eat. When your kid won’t eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it’s an instinct. and when they’re just sitting there looking at their food, you’re like, “Just fucking eat it! You’ll die you idiot, eat the food!” “I don’t like it.” “It doesn’t matter, put it in your face.” “They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I’m not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!” “You have a social security number, you’re on the grid motherfucker, EAT!” “If you’re skinny, I go to jail, do you understand?” And I love my kids and I’d die for them but my life fucking stinks. It just does, it is what it is. When you’re a parent, all the pleasures are gone. Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit’s just over. You can’t sleep, you don’t eat, you don’t eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn’t fucking eat, that’s your dinner now.” “with people yelling at you.” You don’t have any fun, your single friend is like, “Did you see that movie?” “NO I didn’t see the fucking movie, okay?” And you can’t even enjoy being a parent because there’s no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks. We make huge mistakes and then you just go, “whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess.” My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I’m like, “good luck with that shit honey, that’s all my handiwork” “Sorry” And it gets harder too, you think it’s gonna get easier. When they’re babies you think that’s the hard part ’cause you gotta do everything. You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything. But you think it’s gonna get easier because they’re gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they’re not. They’re gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won’t do it. So it’s actually easier when they’re babies ’cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face. If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it. Just pull her arms through the sweater. Throw her in the car and kick the door closed. And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door. It’s like a Carnival cruise, it’s just the greatest. [relief] and you just stand at your door like, “Okay fuck that was bad, what’d I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody” I was changing my daughter the other day, and she’s too old for diapers now, but she’s still in them and it’s bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps. This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man’s shit in her diaper. Like she was out all night drinking Jager She went to Denny’s and got a grand slam Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot. Passed out in a Pontiac and shit herself. Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn And now I gotta clean it and it’s crazy, and you can’t even react and go like, “What the fuck, that’s disgusting!” You’ll fuck ’em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice. You open her diaper and it’s just chaos in there, it’s just bananas, it’s just.. Every new shit amazes me, every one I’m like, “Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. ‘Cause that’s awful.” But you can’t, you gotta be like, “Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that’s really something. That’s really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you.” “Just down off your back, let’s get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end.” Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day. They don’t tell you that. When you’re getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says “You know you’re gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat.” They don’t tell you that. Nobody tells you And they should, it’s a big part in being a dad. It’s bigger than Christmas, it happens everyday. You gotta get it right, front to back. It’s very important. I’m glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don’t want to clean shit off of some kid’s balls. I’m glad that’s not my job. Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don’t like their little penises, it bothers me. I just get this weird feeling like they’re gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks. I know it’s an irrational fear but it’s very real to me. I’m gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, “Fuck what are you doing? You’re fucking my nose..” “Neheee” “Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They’re fucking my nose when I’m sleeping” Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them ’cause it’s really hard and really do. Here’s the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they’re different. Here’s the difference for me between boys and girls. Boys fuck things up… Girls are fucked up. That’s the difference. Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane. Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity. Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he’s like 4 years old and she’s been with him all day so she’s in bad shape. She’s got a drink and she’s like, “I can’t, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t do it.” And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down. And then her little boy walks up to her. He’s got a handful of sand, I don’t know where he got it, there’s no sand in my home. He’s got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink. It’s all she had, and he just ruined it. Really confident too, not like this, he was like, “Yeah this shit goes right there.” And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldn’t even dream of doing that. It wouldn’t even enter their heads that a person could do that. But they’re fucked up. Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister’s toy to make it fair. And I did. That’s how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying. And I look at her and she’s got this creepy smile on her face. That’s the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you. But a women will ruin your fucking life. Do you see the difference? Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he’ll leave you as a human being intact. He won’t fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart. My wife and I we’ve been married now for about 9 years now, so we’re almost done. After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at each other like, “No. We’re not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?” We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, “You should go on a date.” and I’m like, “Fuck you.” And I did go on a date with my wife and I don’t think I’m gonna call her again. It wasn’t really fun. Somethings do get easier as you’ve been married for a while, you start to understand each other better and you start looking at yourself more. You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you’re bringing to the table and you blame them less for shit, y’know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now. I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, “She hasn’t fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?” Now I look at myself and I’m like, “How did she fuck me for years?!” She fucked me for years! She couldn’t possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit. ‘Cause it’s hard for women to have sex if they don’t feel like it, it’s not a skill they have generally. Men have it, that’s just different, we have different sexual skills. Men can fuck whatever, we don’t care. We’ll fuck you even if we don’t like you, everybody knows that. But, we’ll fuck you even if we don’t feel like fucking you. Even if we’re not hard we’ll be like, “I’ll fuck you, give me a second, I’ll find a way.” We don’t care, we’ll fuck THINGS. We’ll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey’s ass, we don’t give a shit. We are jizz on demand, we just don’t care. Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me. Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop ’cause of some other shit that distracted them. If I’m fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom’s head off. And I’ll be like, “Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we’re gonna have a talk about that picture.” ‘Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven’t skipped a day. I cum everyday, and I’ve fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It’s just been me doing most of the work. I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s so selfish. But I know it’s bad, I know I’m hurting somebody somewhere. I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited. And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that.. I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that’s the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us. I know you all waited a whole week ’cause you’re awesome, but I just couldn’t do it. A boner is a boner, it’s gotta go, something’s gotta happen. Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I’ve every had. I remember the first one, I was 9. That’s the worst thing about a little boy’s life is that you start getting boners when you’re 9 and you don’t cum for 3 fucking years. It’s 3 years of just vicious little boners. That don’t go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you’re still hard. It’s awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks ’cause he’s very unhappy. Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out. I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that’s all I did. If I was standing in front of a car I’d just press it against the car like, “[moans] aww, it’s warm from the sun, this is good” I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house. I’d fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he’s fucking your house right now. ‘Cause that what we do. I had a Corduroy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated. I used to do weird things with my dick too, I’d just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don’t know why I just liked the pressure. I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls. “This is good, this is good, I don’t know why but this is good.” I don’t know how I ever got laid really, ’cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like.. There’s guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn’t I’d be like, “[stutters] Can I fuck you?” Just blert it out. I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute. And we’re making out in my hotel and she’s into it, she’s like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I’m like, “hm, okay.” So then we’re making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened. And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, “Hey what happened last night?” I was like, “What?” and she’s like, “How come we didn’t have sex?” I was like, “’cause you didn’t want to.” She’s like, “Yes I did, I was really into it.” I say, “Well why did you keep stopping me?” and she goes, “’cause I wanted you to just go for it.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She says, “I’m kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that’s a big turn on for me.” I was like, “Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you.” and she goes, “No, it has to feel real and dangerous.” I’m like, “What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I’m just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you’re into that shit?” “What kind of idiot… I’m getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don’t know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that’s her thing. I don’t wanna ask first and ruin it so I’m just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what’s the worst that could happen after all?” Jesus. Anyway, that’s all history. Sex for me is gone. It’s just my wife and me. And it’s sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She’s gorgeous she just turned 40 and she’s awesome. And it’s not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she’s 40 on the nose. I just like that. I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like “women women” she’s got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do. She’s got strong arms from picking up the kids, she’s strong and sexy on a whole other level. She’s changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they’re black now! She’s intense, kinda crazy looking. All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She’s got character. She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers. She’s intense, I like it, it turns me on. That’s what I like now, I like “women women.” Girls I’m done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time. “Wooooo” That’s not me anymore. I like women, and I know that’s offensive to 22 year old girls like, “I’m a woman too, I’m totally a woman.” Not to me, sorry. To me, you’re not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that’s really when you become a women. Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams. If you’re still standing after that shit, you are a woman. If you’re still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you’re standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it’s 2 degrees, you’re like “It’s gonna be great in there!” You’re a girl. I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don’t wanna fuck you. I’ll jerk off to you but I don’t wanna fuck you and get involved. I do wanna fuck you but you won’t fuck me so fuck you anyway. I would, oh I’d totally fuck you. But- There’s just a difference between girls and women and it’s not just age, there’s a reason why they call it “Girl’s Gone Wild” You notice there’s not women gone wild, ’cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd. Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that’s what wild women do. They don’t show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it’s a whole other thing. Try taking your 40 year old wife’s picture when she comes outta the shower, “Fuck you, get the fuck outta here.” It’s not funny, you thought it would be cute like “Don’t” she’s like “FUCK OFF” “Sorry..” ‘Cause she doesn’t have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained. I get bills for my wife’s breasts that’s some grown up woman shit right there. Girl’s have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that’s awesome. But you’re not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples. And you’re not a man until you’ve sucked one of those fucking things either by the way. Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night.

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JIM JEFFERIES: THIS IS ME NOW (2018) – Full transcript

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Jim Jefferies returns to Netflix with his third Netflix Original stand-up special, Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now. Performing at the Eventim Apollo in London, the comedian and host of The Jim Jefferies Show unapologetically keeps it real when he opens up about the challenges of being a single father, reflects on the time someone tried to unsuccessfully extort him for money with a sex tape, and the weirdest gig he’s ever played. * * * [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [audience applauding and cheering] Hello, London! [audience cheering] That’s my town. Uh… This is my second home. [audience cheering] I lived here for ten years. I love London. I actually recorded a couple of specials here before. When I lived here, I was broke. I had no fucking money. And maybe like 12 years ago, I signed a contract for five comedy specials for £90,000 with a record label over here, which, when you’re broke… sounds like a really good fucking deal, right? I had no money and someone offered me £90,000, I was like, “Fuck, yeah,” for five comedy specials. But that is the worst deal in record history. Five comedy specials for £90,000. Anyway, I was locked in. I recorded one, and then I got offered an HBO special in America. And so I went back to my record label over here, and I said, “Hey, here’s the deal. I just got offered a big deal in America. What I’ll do is I’ll go over there, I’ll do the special then I’ll come back and do the other four specials with you.” And then my record label here went, “You can’t do that. You’re contracted to us,” and I went, “Oh, that’s a shame.” [audience laughing] Then I got on a plane and I went to America. And then HBO said, “You sorted that contract problem out, didn’t ya?” And I went, “I sure did.” And then I did the HBO special and then my record label here sued me for £200,000, which is like, $300,000 American, right? But it doesn’t matter, because HBO paid me $50,000, so… [audience laughing] So, you gotta spend money to make money, you know? So I was a little bit in the hole. I had spent a lot of that earlier money on drugs already. So now I’m… I’m poor and famous. See, everybody wants to be rich and famous. And rich and famous is fucking amazing. Poor and famous sucks dicks. Have you ever been in a pound store and been famous? That’s… So anyways, I’m poor and famous, right? So I have sex with this American woman… Consensually! I asked her. She said yes, she enjoyed herself. Anyway… So I had sex with this woman, and she thought, ’cause I was on the TV, that I had money. So she tried to extort me for $50,000. She goes, “I have a sex tape of yours, and I’m going to sell it.” And I went, “Fucking try.” [audience laughing] “I don’t know what the market is for the podgy, pale Australian guy who lasts a minute and a half, but see what you can fuckin’ get.” Then she goes, “Well, I have a photo of you doing cocaine.” And I went, “Everyone does! I’ve done cocaine off photos of me doing cocaine.” [audience laughing] “And you want to extort me? Why don’t you get a picture of me being nice to my mother or opening a door for a woman or something off-brand?” Now, I used to do a lot of misogynistic jokes. I’m not going to do as many of those. I’ll do some. [audience laughing and cheering] There’s a lot of problems at the moment. There’s a lot of guys that are raping people, and a lot of people in the entertainment business are going down, some for more offensive things than others, you know, but… I’m nervous. You know, I… I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong,  but between the hours of nine and nine, I’m pretty blacked out. Anyway, so… Like, if James Bond was a real person, he’d be super fucking nervous right now. [audience laughing] James Bond would be showing up to work, like, “I’m here to see Q.” “Actually, you’re here to see HR.” [grumbles] “We have 472 complaints from a Miss Moneypenny.” Ah! “Two Russian operatives say you used their power against them and had sex with them.” “I was trying to get information. You’re welcome.” There’s been like, Kevin Spacey went down. Kevin Spacey, he went down, and he goes… He goes, his defense was, “It’s probably a good time to mention that I’m gay.” And we were like, “What? Kevin, say it’s not true.” Um… Yeah, Kevin gets a bit grabby. [audience laughing] From all reports, he reaches, he touches your dick outside your jeans. For a little bit. He’s a dick grabber. We all have that gay friend, don’t we? We all have that gay friend that every time you’re drunk, you’re like, “Get out of it, don’t touch my dick.” And they’re like, “I’ll get you next time,” I’m like, “I’m sure you will, but not today.” But he paid the price, as people should when they do things wrong. He paid the price. You know, he had a great career, and Netflix, the network we’re on right now, they fired him, and rightfully so. And he lost his job as a fake president. [audience laughing] Yet there is an actual president… with four times as many allegations… who still has his fucking job. [audience cheering] We have a guy… who said, and I quote… “I love women… when I see them, I kiss them. I don’t even ask. I can’t help myself. I grab ’em by the pussy. When you’re famous… they let you.” [audience laughing] Now, I’m famous. And when I heard that, I went out and I gave it a go. And I gotta tell you, they don’t let you! You women are a sensitive bunch. Moody, if you will. Now… [audience laughing] The term “Grab ’em by the pussy,” as soon as that happened, I started tweeting and saying in interviews jokes about it. And people started writing me saying, “Yes, well, you’ve said worse things,” and I have, and this evening, I will say worse things. And that’s why I agree that I shouldn’t be president of the United States of America. [audience laughing and applauding] I’m not qualified. Don’t use me as your moral benchmark. Do you think I’m offended by the term “Grab ’em by the pussy”? I’m not offended by it. I’m confused as fuck. [audience laughing] I’ve never heard those words grouped together into a fucking sentence. If he said, “I grab ’em by the tit,” I know what a tit-grab entails. I can picture a tit-grab. I’m fully aware of what’s going on there. “I grab their ass,” I know that. Even if it was weird, like “I grab ’em by the head,” I can picture a head-grab. “Grab ’em by the pussy,” you see… the pussy is an inward thing. [audience laughing] If I said to you right now, “I met a girl, I grabbed her by the belly button.” How fucking confused are you? You’d be like, “Did you poke it?” I’d be like, “Nah… I didn’t poke it. I grabbed the whole thing. Keep up!” [audience laughing] Like, if he said, “I palm their pussy,” I can picture a pussy-palming. Like if he just scooped his hand over. Or if he fingered a pussy. We’ve all fingered a pussy, whether it be our own or someone else’s. But to grab a pussy… that’s gotta be one fucking meaty, low-hanging fruit fucking pussy. That’s gotta be a pussy that’s just given birth, is prolapsed. They haven’t put the stitches in yet. Maybe that’s what he does. Maybe he goes around to maternity wards and goes, “Congratulations! It’s a beautiful child. Don’t worry about it. I’m famous.” [audience laughing and cheering] This has taken up far too much space in my brain. I’ve been thinking about pussy grabbing for over a year now. Like, he says they don’t mind. What is the scenario… where you can grab a pussy… and no one minds? I guess it has to be in a private area, ’cause you can’t do it in the general public, because for the most part pussy grabbing is “frowned upon.” If I jumped into the crowd right now and grabbed a pussy… you’d all be like, “Stop that, Jim.” [audience laughing] “Get back on stage. Finish the show.” So I’ve thought of every scenario, I’ve thought of every available option on how to grab a pussy where everything’s fine. This is the only one I can think of, right? Okay, the woman has to feel comfortable and safe. So I picture a woman who’s like, she’s in her own garden. [audience laughing] She’s feeling good. It’s her garden. She feels safe, it’s a secluded garden. There’s fucking hedges and shit. She’s wearing a mini-skirt, no underwear. She doesn’t give a fuck. It’s her garden. And she’s gardening. She’s tending to soil. [audience laughing] She’s potting a plant. And then you, the celebrity… [audience laughing] You have to creep into the garden, almost cartoonishly, just… Then you get your hand like that, so devil horns open up, flip around. [audience laughing] Now you want to be a real good pussy grabber, ’cause you’re only going to get one shot at this. and that thumb’s going straight into the asshole. So you’re like, “Bang!” Right, to begin with, she’s shocked. “What the fuck’s going on?” While she’s in that state of shock, lift her up, she’s on her toes. She’s not going anywhere. She’s upset, but then she turns around, “Oh, you’re famous,” and everything’s fine. [audience laughing and cheering] Now, I don’t want to spend too much time talking about American politics while I’m here. You’ve got your own issues. [audience laughing] All right, look… I know you broke away from the European Union. I don’t understand what happened. I know it’s mixed, the opinion. I don’t know what’s going on, but then when I talk to you people, you don’t fucking know what’s going on, either. I’ve never seen something happening in a country, where you’re all like, “No idea what’s happening.” [audience laughing] There’s so many things. Like, do you get rid of the European people who are living here? Or, like… in your hospitals, you have 250,000 nurses who are from like Spain and France and all that type of bullshit, right? Do you get rid of those people? And if you do do that, do you get back all the British people… who live in Spain and France and all that? ‘Cause I gotta be honest, they’re not your best people. [audience laughing and applauding] Right? Like… you should have a TV show every night called One In, One Out. [audience laughing] And it’s like, “And who are we getting rid of today? Okay, well, first of all, we’re getting rid of Rosita. Rosita is a nurse who took care of the elderly, who incidentally voted her out. And…” [audience cheering] “And who are we getting back? We’re getting… Barry!” [audience laughing] “Barry’s a cab driver who won ten grand on a scratchy and moved to Majorca.” Feels like a fair swap you got there. See, immigrants are good. You wanna have them, man. You wanna have them. Unless they’re fucking Mexicans. [yells] I live in LA, you wouldn’t believe the problems we have with Mexicans. Fucking dirty Mexicans. They come over the border, and they’re taking all the good jobs. They can’t even speak English, they’re taking all the good jobs. I don’t know how they do it, but they do. [audience laughing] Sometimes I look at my son, and I think… “If only he could pick fruit someday.” [audience laughing] I have this woman who cleans my house twice a week. You wouldn’t believe the amount of white people who applied for that job. Oh! They were queued around the fucking block, and I was like, “Get the fuck away from my house. I don’t like explaining everything twice.” [yells] [audience laughing] [chuckles] This is what Trump reckons. Trump reckons that the Mexicans… are coming over the border… and they’re raping. I don’t know how, though. It just doesn’t feel like the opportune time. [audience laughing] You’re trying to flee a country, you’re dehydrated, you’re in the desert. [audience laughing] That would be the last thing on my mind, but that’s because I’m not as sneaky as a Mexican. “They’re coming over the border and they’re raping.” Sure, maybe some of them. You know, maybe. But some of every nationality rapes. It’s not like it’s a Mexican thing. It’s not like if you go to a really authentic Mexican restaurant… [audience laughing] And there’s like a fucking sombrero and a piñata, and you walk in with your wife and kids, like, “This is very nice. This is a lovely restaurant.” Then, a waiter takes you away from your family… [audience laughing] Off to the special Mexican closet. You come back out, your ass is like a Japanese flag. [audience laughing] You look at your wife, and you’re like, “Why do we keep coming here? Every week. If the food wasn’t so good…” It’s not a Mexican thing. Sure, some of them are rapey. Every nationality rapes. You have British rapists, you have Australian rapists, or Australia wouldn’t exist in its current state. There’s… [audience laughing] There’s probably a Canadian rapist, one fella. Polite bloke. You know, a nice bloke. Where you’re going for a jog, and he just drags you into some bushes, like, [imitating Canadian accent] “I’m so sorry about this. I’m so sorry.” I won’t be too long. I don’t want to ruin your day.” [audience laughing] That’s why I do believe there should be a wall. There should be a wall… on the Canadian border. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans run out of health care, they can’t crawl over into Canada. I think the Canadians should just make the wall three foot high. [audience laughing] Just to take the piss. [audience laughing] So that when the Americans are crawling over, because their lungs are filled with coal from getting all their jobs back. [audience laughing] Like, who the fuck… wants their job back in the coal mine? Like, what the fuck is… They’re like, “We’re gonna get our coal mining jobs back.” What the fuck? I didn’t even know coal was still a thing. As soon as Trump said it, I’m like, “Is this is a fucking Dickens novel? What the fuck?” And why the fuck do these people deserve to have a job? What, because their dad had a job, and their grandfather had the same fucking job, and their great-great grandpappy… Have some fucking dreams, you low aspirational fuck. [audience laughing] And they say things, they’re just like this, like, “If the coal mine shuts down, then the whole town will shut down.” Yeah, fuck your town. Fuck it. [audience laughing] Fuck it. In my lifetime, the population of the world has gone from three billion to seven billion, and no one wants to move to your fucking town. Take a fucking hint. [audience laughing] No, it’s good. No hecklers, happy. I don’t like the hecklers. I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland. I have to say Scotland, ’cause American people are watching. Um… I was doing the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland, and I was performing in front of about 400 people. I was doing a routine I’ve done in one of my older specials that I don’t do any more, about how you have to baptize your children, because if you don’t baptize your children, and they die in infancy, then they don’t get into Heaven. Because God’s a good guy… [audience laughing] but he does have some rules. And if he lets one dead baby into Heaven, then he has to let all the dead babies into Heaven. And before you know it, Heaven’s just filled with fucking dead babies. [audience laughing and cheering] So I’m on stage kicking dead babies around, as you do at work. And this woman in the fourth row, very attractive, but she’s in hysterics. She’s crying, her eyes are bawling, and she just stands up and goes… [imitating Scottish accent] “You fucking bastard! You bastard!” And then she just leaves the room just in hysterics. [screams] I’m still fucking mid-kick, like… [audience laughing] And then her husband stands up… and he picks up her handbag, and he holds the handbag like all men hold handbags. Two hands in front of the chest. [audience laughing] “I’m holding this for someone else, so…” Anyways, he picks up the handbag, he holds it, we can still hear her screaming. She went out the door, she’s screaming. The staff are trying to calm her down. She’s screaming, and the husband stands up, and he goes… “I’m sorry, Jim. I’m sorry, everyone. We were expecting our first child and she miscarriaged at seven months. That was six weeks ago and the baby was due this week. So we decided to leave the house for the first time and forget about our problems…” [audience laughing] “And to try to have a laugh.” [audience laughing] “Anyway, Jim, the first half of the show was really great.” [audience laughing] And then he just leaves awkwardly, like, “Excuse me. Sorry.” We can still hear her screaming. Men and women in the room are crying their eyes out, which isn’t good for comedy, and… and I’m trying to bullshit my way out of it. I’m on stage going, “Hey… that joke was more about the hypocrisy of religion rather than dead babies, per se.” Uh… [audience laughing] And as I’m doing that, in the second row a Geordie fellow from Newcastle, England, he stands up in the second row, and he points at me, really angry like this, and he goes… “To be fair… she’s fucking hot.” [audience laughing] And this sentence fell out of my mouth so fast, I couldn’t put the words back in. I went, “Ah, well, they get to keep their figure when they don’t carry them full-term.” [audience groaning] I’m not proud of this. I’m just reporting it. As soon as I said it, bottles just started getting thrown at me. Just fucking… Whoof! I’m like, fucking from The Matrix, like… [yells] And I was just like, “Good night!” [audience laughing] That was many years ago. If you’re watching this special at home, I hope you had a kid since then. Um… [chuckles] What am I gonna do? Her miscarriage brought so much joy to other people. Uh… [audience laughs nervously] I dislike deaf people. [audience laughing] Actually, I need to rephrase that. I don’t dislike deaf people. I hate sign language people. Sign language people fuck me up the wall. I don’t mind the deaf. Individually, deaf people can be a delight. [audience laughing] It’s when deaf people get into packs, I don’t like them. If you get a group of deaf people… If you get eight or more deaf… like a herd of… A… A gaggle or a… What can we all agree on? A murder? [audience laughing] If you get a murder of deaf, if you get eight or more deaf, and I have no problem with them. I just want to say that right again. If you get eight or more deaf, and you’re in a theater in America, they will be seated like this– They’ll be seated four and four, right? ‘Cause what happens is, if you get a murder of deaf, the American government will pay for a sign language person. Probably not for much longer, but at the moment it’s a thing. Uh… [audience laughing] The American government will pay for a sign language person to stand here. Now, the sign language person is normally a frumpy chick who learned sign language so she could date a deaf guy out of her league, but whatever. Anyway… [audience laughing] So… But no one ever tells me. They never say, “Jim, there’s a sign language person.” They never fucking tell me. So I come out, “Please welcome Jim Jefferies,” I walk out, I see the sign language person, I’m like, “Ah, fuck me.” ‘Cause I’ve never had a good show if a sign language person is standing there. Never fucking happened. Because the deaf people are having a horrible time. They’ve watched me on Netflix, they’ve read my lips, and they’ve had the subtitles, and they’ve seen the facial expressions. Now they’re not even looking at me. They’re looking at her, and her comedy timing fucking sucks dicks. [audience laughing] And they can’t modulate their sound, so they’re just like, “This is a shit show,” and I’m like, “No! It’s not a shit show! And she’s like, “Not a shit show.” Like that. [audience laughing] Now I know what you’re thinking. “What’s the big deal? That’s eight people out of thousands. Who gives a fuck?” I’ll tell you why. You can’t have a good comedy show with a sign language person, because the human brain isn’t fully developed. If I swear, and there’s a sign language person standing there, every single fucking one of you will go, “And what would that word be?” [audience laughing] I do it myself while I’m onstage. [audience laughing] So I’ll teach you the word you wanna know. “Cunt,” obviously. You wanna know “cunt.” [audience cheering] All right, so that’s “vagina.” This is “cunt.” [audience laughing] Gotta give it a bit of attitude, it needs to be a snap. [audience laughing] You ever see deaf person look at you like, “You cunt!” Like that. That’s a deafie who don’t like you. Then there’s fun ones, like “bullshit,” right? So you do, like, a bull’s head… Cross it around, bullshit. It’s adorable. Bullshit. I always feel sorry for deaf people who are in relationships with other deaf people. Because occasionally, you must be fighting. You’re coming home from a party. You’re trying to be a safe driver. And your wife’s being a fucking bitch… [audience laughing] [audience applauding] Bullshit. [audience laughing] And then… Then there’s things that are just like… There’s different dialects for sign language. ‘Cause I’ve done this whole thing, right? So in Britain… this is “Jew.” [audience laughing] Seems bad, right? Wait till you see America. This is “Jew” in America… [audience laughing] I don’t know why, but that is more offensive than that. So if you ever see a deaf person, like, “You Jew cunt!” Like that. That’s a Trump-voting deaf you got yourself there. [audience laughing] Then there’s things where you feel like the deaf aren’t educated. Like, this is “gay men.” [audience laughing] That’s what the deaf think the gays get up to. [audience laughing] [chuckles] They think they get in a room and bash dicks together. [audience laughing] Now, I was… doing that routine in New Zealand or something, I was doing that, and a guy yelled out, “Oh, that’s docking.” I said, “What’s docking?” And then he didn’t say anything. And then I went home and I googled “docking.” And wasn’t that a waste of four hours. [audience laughing] Just a show of hands. Who knows what docking is? Wow, it’s a lot. For the rest of you, you’re in for a treat. This is docking: You need two men… And both of them have to have erect dicks at the same time. It’s already weird, isn’t it? Anyway, one dick… ideally, to dock… [chuckles] One dick needs to be, like, a circumcised dick. And the other dick needs to be a European fella. [audience laughing] Let’s talk about this very quickly. Okay, so… I’m circumcised. I know you are all not circumcised. I know you’re not, right? I got my son circumcised. Right? When I got my son circumcised, I mentioned on a late night show that I got my son circumcised, and I got a lot of hate mail and people freaking the fuck out and saying I mutilated my kid and all this type of stuff, and… Look, people do it for different reasons. It’s a personal thing. Right? Some people circumcise their children for religious purposes. Some people do it for medical reasons. The reason I got my son circumcised is so that when he is older, women will enjoy having his dick in their mouths. [audience laughing] I did it because I love him. And your dicks are fucking disgusting. You fucking animals. How do you fucking look at your dick and have any level of self-respect? Every fucking day, your fucking hooded, slimy fucking dicks. [audience laughing] My dick smells constantly. It’s an eternal battle against that smell. I can’t even imagine what you accept in your life. Do you know that it’s not in porn? It’s not in fucking porn. Uncircumcised isn’t in porn. Because the people that make porn are trying to run a business, and they don’t want people fucking vomiting when they’re masturbating. You can’t go into a porn site and put “uncircumcised.” It doesn’t come up. Your dick is less of a fetish than feet, you fucking disgusting animals. [audience laughing] Name me one time where extra skin on the body is a good thing. [audience laughing] When someone gets old, they get that turkey neck and they’re like, “Ooh, I’ve been looking forward to this.” Some fucking 500-pound cunt loses 300 pounds, has a big elephant ear of skin, and the doctor goes, “Oh, lucky you! Extra skin. Women love extra skin.” [audience laughing] Anyway, so docking, you need two dicks, right? [audience laughing] A lovely, pristine dick, and… a horrible dick. [audience laughing] Then you line the two dicks up… and with your slimy hood… you get that bit, and you stretch it over the nice dick. -Now… -[audience groans] that’ll make a seal. Now, the only way to break that seal is to pop a bit of air out of the side and gently release, like it’s a Tupperware lid. [audience laughing] ‘Cause you can’t just pull against it, ’cause then it’s like a Chinese finger trap. Now that the dicks are docked… you just gently bash dicks. [audience laughing] There’s probably kissing, isn’t there? I imagine you’d kiss. Your mouths are aligned, probably… [audience laughing] And then if you’re into each other, you’ll come simultaneously on each other’s dick heads. [audience groans] That’ll make a cum bubble of sorts… that eventually will just go, “Blugh.” [audience laughing] And that’s docking. [chuckles] Now, it’s weird, because… People– I sort of got more popular, because of a routine that I did on gun control, and… [audience cheering] People come and see me because of the gun control routine, and they want me to do some political commentary or some social commentary, and then I just did, like, what was that, ten minutes on docking. [audience laughing] And the thing about the gun thing is weird. It’s nice to have that as a calling card, that people want to see you because they liked that routine, but then also, it’s a double-edged sword because… I get more popular after a massacre, and that’s really not what you want. It’s not like you’re sitting at home, “Ooh, there’s been a massacre. ” Uh… It’s tough, because people think if you talk about gun control in America, you’re talking about banning guns. I’m not talking about banning guns. I’m talking about controlling guns. See, after what happened in Las Vegas… That guy shot all those people. I think he had 48 guns or something like that. All the news people were like, “Gun control wouldn’t have done anything, because he bought all the guns legally.” And you’re like, “Yeah… gun control could have fucking solved that. How about if we brought in a law where you’re allowed seven?” [audience laughing] “If you can’t protect your family with seven, you’re no fucking good with the guns.” [audience laughing] So this whole idea that if you bring in gun control, you’re going to ban guns, is a load of bullshit, because there already is gun control. There’s things like you can’t put a bayonet on the end of your gun. ‘Cause that would make your gun too stabby. [audience laughing] And it’s the right to bear arms, it’s not the right to bear guns. It’s the right to bear arms. Arms are weapons. See, in Texas, you can open carry an assault rifle on your back into Target. You can’t walk into Target with a chainsaw. People would think that’s fucking weird. You walk into Target… [imitates a chainsaw] Security would be like, “What the fuck with the chainsaw, man?” You’ll be like, “This is my protection chainsaw! This is to protect me and my family! You’ll be happy I’m here if a bad guy with a chainsaw comes in. ‘Cause the only way to stop a bad guy with a chainsaw is a good guy with a chainsaw.” [audience laughing and cheering] See… this idea that all guns are for protection is fucking bullshit. They’re not all for protection. You can buy sniper rifles. [audience laughing] Rifles that can shoot two kilometers. How is that for protection? Who the fuck… is sitting in the front of their house… [audience laughing] looking at some cunt two kilometers away… like, “Back down!” [audience laughing] But you know, I understand. People love their families. They wanna fucking… I’m actually gonna say something now that’ll make some people upset. It’s weird that I say it. I’m a single dad now. I’ve been a single dad for over a year. When people hear it, they go, “Oh, that’s a shame.” Not a shame. Me and my ex weren’t getting along. We’re still good friends now. I’ll tell you how we broke up. This is literally how me and my ex broke up. I bought a house five doors down from my house, and she goes, “What did you get that for?” And I went, “For you to live in.” [audience laughing] And she high-fived me and skipped down there. She was happy to go as well. So now I’m a single dad, and the weird thing is about being a single dad is, before that, I used to go on and on and on about what a great parent I was. But I wasn’t a great parent. I wasn’t. I was just a guy who lived with a four-year-old. This is how I used to parent. I used to walk around the house, I saw my son playing with a toy, I would be like, “What are you playing with there? Lego! Sounds fun. All right.” [audience laughing] And then his mum would take him to bed, and I’d go, “Good night, sweet dreams, my prince!” I was a shit parent. Well, now it’s just me and him. And so I have this four-year-old that comes once a… every… Every second week, I get my kid. He comes over, I try to make it as normal a family life as we can, but the little cunt only eats four different foods. [audience laughing] He eats macaroni and cheese, chicken and fucking pizza and apples. I try to make him eat other things, but his mother doesn’t. It’s a big argument, that’s why she lives in another fucking house. Anyway… But he comes over and I try to have family meals with him, right? So it’s just me and him so I make him chicken, I have to bread it, I have to do things, I have to make it a certain level, and then I cut up some apples, and then I sit there, and then he comes and eats dinner with me. And I’m not gonna make two fucking meals, so I’m eating fucking chicken and apples as well. [audience laughing] So we’re sitting there eating a meal, and I don’t let him watch TV while we’re eating. That’s family time, so it’s me and him. But I got to be honest, I want to watch the TV. The conversation runs out pretty fucking quick. He hasn’t got a lot going on. I go to him, “How was your day?” And he goes, “I don’t know,” and I go, “What did you do at school?” He goes, “Drew a picture,” and I’m like, “Fuck, this is a long meal.” [audience laughing] Anyway, so I make him the chicken, I make him the apples, and then I take him upstairs for bedtime at 8:30, and he has a bath and I wash his hair and I put him in some pajamas, and he’s all fresh and clean. I put him in the bed, I sing him the same song every day. And then I read him a story and I wait till he falls asleep and then I go downstairs and watch TV. And then about two hours later,  about 10:30, I just hear screaming, just… [screams] I run up the fucking stairs, I get up there, he’s covered in vomit. He’s vomited all over. He’s got vomit through his fucking hair. I pick him up, he’s shitting. Right, he’s shitting and vomiting onto me. So he’s vomiting onto me, but he’s shitting in front of where I’m walking. So I’m walking through shit as vomit’s coming onto me. I put him on the toilet. I get him a bucket. He is now shitting and vomiting simultaneously. Now, maybe I didn’t cook that chicken long enough. [audience laughing] Anyway… So he’s just sitting there. He’s never had food poisoning before. I had the same meal. The little cunt’s just got a weak constitution. Anyway, so… He’s sitting there shitting and vomiting at the same time. The poor little fella, ’cause he’s four, his brain doesn’t compute that this won’t go on forever. He actually looked at me, shitting and vomiting, he looks at me and goes, “I guess this is me now.” [audience laughing] I’m just laughing like, “You’ll be all right, fella. You’ll be all right.” Anyway, this goes on for a couple hours, where it’s about midnight now. He’s empty. Everything’s out of his body. I give him another bath, and I wash him off, and I wash all the vomit out of his hair, and I put him in some new pajamas, and I say, “Come sleep in my bed, mate. Everything’s going to be all right.” And he sleeps in my bed, and I pat his back until he goes to sleep. And then I go to sleep. And then two hours later, I shit the bed. [audience laughing] Now… this wasn’t like… like I woke up with cramps and went… [groans] And then I shit the bed. No, the shit and the waking up was a simultaneous thing. I was lying there, and went… [makes a splat sound] [groans] He’s fast asleep, and I just shit the bed next to a four-year-old. Which I assume is a crime. I’ve never felt so sick, and I get out, and I’m in my underwear, there’s just shit pouring down my thighs, and I’m like… [screams] And I vomit on the floor, and I’m walking through my own vomit, and I’m shitting onto the vomit, and I make it all the way to my toilet… and I sit there and I’m shitting… I didn’t have a bucket, so I’m just vomiting into the fucking bathtub, and shitting, and I actually said out loud, “I guess this is me now!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now, I’m there for a couple of hours. I’ve taken all my clothes off, so now it’s, like, five in the morning… and I’m fucking naked, just still shitting and vomiting. And my son wakes up. He’s feeling fresh as a daisy. [audience laughing] He comes in, his pajamas all clean, his hair’s all fluffy, he walks in. Holding his teddy, he walks around the pile of shit and vomit. [audience laughing] He walks in to see his father shitting and vomiting on the toilet. He looks at me and goes, “We had a tough night, didn’t we, Dad?” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Now… I’m gonna tell you a story. Now, this story happened… uh… about a year and a half ago. I got booked to do a private party with a very famous… American singer. And I signed a contract to say that I would never say who booked me, how much I was paid, or who was at the party. But then I’ve just been telling people, and nothing’s happened, so… [audience laughing] So it’s… Mariah Carey. Now… I get a phone call from her management one day, and they say, “Mariah Carey’s a massive fan of yours.” And I said, “No, she’s not.” They go, “How do you know?” I said, “I don’t know the woman. I’ve never met her. But I know this. There is no scenario where Mariah Carey finishes a concert, goes home, pours herself a bath, lights a few candles, and goes, ‘Put on a bit of Jim Jefferies.’ And then sits there splashing around, going, ‘Women are cunts!’ No.” [audience laughing] I said, “She’s not a fan.” So they ring back and they go– Her fiance at the time… “Her fiance, James Packer, is a fan.” Now, James Packer is a very famous Australian billionaire. And she wanted to purchase me for his 50th birthday as a gift, right? Already weird, to be a human gift. [audience laughing] But I guess that’s what you buy billionaires. You can’t buy them materialistic things, ’cause they can purchase whatever they want. You buy them other human beings doing tricks. [audience laughing] So they ring me up, and they go… They go, “$15,000, 15 minutes. You just gotta perform at a dinner party. She lives half a mile away from you. Easy-peasy. And I said to my manager, Alex, I said, “Alex, that sounds fucking horrible. I’m not gonna do that.” And he rings back up ten minutes later, “$30,000… 15 minutes.” And I said, “Alex… I’m an artist.” [audience laughing] “I never let money make decisions for me.” Now, I think we all know where this is headed. [audience laughing] They rang back, “$60,000, 12 minutes,” and I was like, “Fuck it, what’s your address?” [audience laughing] So three weeks later… So for three weeks I was just dreading this gig, and then three weeks later, it’s like, all right, I show up at the house. I’m there in the middle of summer. I’m wearing a leather jacket and fucking T-shirt, I’m sweating my ass off, and I’m there with my manager, Alex, and someone… Mariah’s assistant opens the door, and goes, “Which one of you is Jim Jefferies?” -I’m like… -[audience laughing] The fucking career is crushing it, obviously. Uh… I said, “That’s me,” and she goes, “We’ve been waiting for you,” and she goes, “You’re not to be seen. You’re a surprise.” And I get into the house, she’s like, “Oh! Take your shoes off!” Mariah’s one of those cunts. Soon as you enter your house, you gotta feel uncomfortable, take your fucking shoes off. I don’t know if we have any of those Nazi fucking pricks in this room, but you’ve lost a lot of friends over this, you fucking lowlife cunts. [audience cheering] Anyway… So I take my shoes off. I’m the birthday surprise, so no one’s to see me, so they secretly get me into the kitchen. So I go into the kitchen. I’m sitting there, and then they give me some rich people food, which is the same as poor people food but has truffles on it. [audience laughing] I’m sitting there eating my fucking truffley food… [chuckles] I look at my manager, like, “I shouldn’t be here. It’s the worst idea I ever had.” -I shouldn’t do this.” -He’s like, “It’s going to be fine. It’ll be great. You’ll do great.” At that stage, Eddie Murphy walks into the kitchen. Now, Eddie Murphy, and I want this on film, is my childhood fucking hero. Delirious was such a big deal to me. [audience cheering] And was the reason that I tell these big long stories. He was the first comic I saw who told long stories. Anyway, I’m gonna do a terrible impersonation, but Eddie Murphy walks up to one of the catering people, he goes, “I’m all dehydrated. I need a Gatorade or a Powerade or something with ‘ade.’ I need electrolytes. My mouth is dry.” [audience laughing] And I’m just staring at him, like… Then he points at me, he goes, “Oh, I know you. You do the TV show with the disabled boy.” And I said, “I do do the TV show with the disabled boy!” And he goes, “I love that show. It’s a fantastic show. You’re masturbating off a little disabled boy in the sky. What a great show it was. What are you doing here?” And I said, “I’m gonna do stand-up for the dinner party!” And he went, “There’s no way that’s gonna work out,” and he just fucked off. [audience laughing] [clears throat] So I just break out into a fucking sweat, right? And then Mariah’s assistant comes up to me, and she goes, “It’s time.” Now, let me paint a picture for you. There’s 20 people in a garden, sitting at a long table, surrounded by tiki torches before tiki torches had racist connotations. They’re all famous people. They do not know that there’s any entertainment. Nor have I been announced. There is not a microphone. There is not a light. I’m walking out in my socks. [audience laughing] I just look like a guy who’s gotten onto the property… [audience laughing] And has a few things that he wants to say. [audience laughing] See, the difference between stand-up comedy and a drunk guy giving opinions? That’s it. [audience laughing] So I walk out, and so, Mariah Carey’s here, James Packer’s here, Eddie Murphy’s here. Al Pacino’s here, Warren Beatty’s here, and it gets less and less famous as we go along. [audience laughing] So I walk out, I’ve never done a birthday party before, so I just treat it like a kid’s birthday party. So I walk up to a 50-year-old man, and I go, “Hey, hey!” [audience laughing] “Happy birthday!” And he went, “Who are you?” And I went, “Who am I? I’m Jim Jefferies, your favorite comedian!” And he goes, “I don’t know you.” And I pointed at Mariah, and I said, “Mariah!” And Mariah’s on her seventh Xanax of the fucking day. [audience laughing] And she just looks over at him and goes, “Remember? We watched him on the computer doing something.” It was very clear that they were towards the end of their relationship, because he was just like, “Why do you talk?” [audience laughing] And I went, “Fuck it! I’ll tell some jokes anyway, shall I?” [audience laughing] At that stage, Leonardo DiCaprio walks in with three of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. He has it big, ’cause he just did that movie where he had sex with a bear. I haven’t seen it. He walks up. He stands next to me. Everyone greets him like he’s Norm from Cheers, right? Somehow, this cunt gets to keep his shoes on. [audience laughing] And he just chats to the table for three minutes. So for three minutes, I’m standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio like this… [audience laughing] After three minutes, he doesn’t even look at me. He just points at me and goes, “What’s all this about?” And Warren Beatty went, “We don’t know!” [audience laughing] Then Leonardo DiCaprio took the women over, and sat on some garden furniture, and I was like, “Fuck it, I’ll just go do 12 minutes. No one says anyone has to laugh, I just gotta fucking talk, right?” So I just started phoning in some fucking jokes. I just looked at them and went, “There’s a turtle at my kid’s school,” and I told the turtle routine, and I’m just fucking walking around telling the fucking turtle routine. James Packer is getting angrier and angrier, just like… “Fucking…” At one stage, he says to Mariah Carey at the same volume that I’m talking next to him, he says, “Why did you think I’d enjoy this?” Right? And I’m like, “Just keep smiling, Jim. Keep a song in your heart, and they can’t hurt you.” [audience laughing] So I keep going, and he’s getting angrier and angrier, and he just goes like this… “Gun control!” And I said, “Yes!” [audience laughing] “I’m the gun control guy!” And he goes, “I love that bit. Do that bit.” [audience laughing] And I said, “I haven’t performed that in over a year. I really don’t know how it goes,” and he went, “Just fucking do it.” And I went, “Okay!” So I started doing the gun control thing. So I’m like running across the lawn to do the fucking safe thing. Now, that routine… is 16-and-a-half minutes long. [audience laughing] I go through it in eight minutes. ‘Cause it turns out, it’s shorter without laughter. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] I did get a laugh, though. I got a laugh from James Packer. At the halfway moment during the routine, he just gave this, like, Australian billionaire… guttural fucking laugh. He just went, “Ha!” [audience laughing] This laugh is so distinctive to my Australian ear, that if I was in the Outback, and I heard it, I would become like Steve Irwin, and be like, “Oh! That’s the Australian billionaire.” [audience laughing] And then he just went… [guffaws] Because it was his birthday, it was like a moment in a medieval film where the king started laughing, and the rest of the courtyard was like, “The King is amused!” They all started laughing a little bit, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t having a good gig, but I was getting away with it. [audience laughing] So I finish up the show and I did a routine that was on my last special about how I’m a five in the looks department, but because I’m on TV I get to fuck sixes and sevens, but because I’m an alcoholic, I fuck fours and threes. [audience laughing] So I did that routine, then afterwards, I’m standing around with my manager, Alex, and we’re drinking, and Al Pacino and Warren Beatty walk up to us and they’re drunk as fuck, or… they’re just old. [audience laughing] And Al Pacino walks up to me, and this is the exact words he says, he went, “Oh! A couple of fives are talking to each other.” [audience laughing] And I forgot my routine, I’m like, “Sorry?” And he goes, “I’m a five. You’re also a five.” [audience laughing] Then I remembered, I went, “Well, I get to fuck sixes and sevens because I’m on the TV. I bet you’re fucking crazy nines and tens, right?” And he grabs one of the girls with Leo, and he drags her, and he goes, “You’re right.” [audience laughing] Then he pushed her away, and then Harvey Weinstein tackled her and dragged her into the bushes. [audience laughing and applauding] And then he goes like this, he goes, “I like what you do. You tell stories. Nobody tells stories anymore.” [audience laughing] “You tell a story, I’m enjoying myself. Oh, I’m enjoying myself. But then you get distracted and go on a tangent, and I think, ‘Oh, no… I’ll never hear the end of this tale.'” [audience laughing] But then you come back to the story, “and I’m like, ‘Wow! He remembered the whole time.'” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] And then he kept talking for, like, ten minutes and at the ten minute mark, I hadn’t said a word, and he literally said, he goes, “You haven’t said anything!” [audience laughing] “Am I talking too much?” And I said, “Mr. Pacino, this is one of the greatest moments of my life. Please keep talking till I come.” [audience laughing] And he said, “A challenge!” [audience laughing] Then he said to me, he goes, “Do you act?” Al Pacino says, “Do you act?” and I’m like, “I’ve acted. [chuckles] I’m not an actor. I’m a comedian.” And he goes, “Oh! I know a lot about acting,” and I was like, “Yeah you do.” [audience laughing] And he’s like, “You’re going to be a great actor! A great actor!” And I’m like a fat chick being hit on. I’m like… [audience laughing] Then he went, “No, fuck it! Don’t act! You’re better than us. Acting’s for idiots like me and him. He points at Warren Beatty, and Warren Beatty, at this stage, is looking at a moth going around a tiki torch, like… [audience laughing] He goes, “You’re better than us. You tell stories. You’re a director.” And I’m like, “All right.” He’s like, “Say it for me. Say, ‘I’m a director.'” [audience laughing] I went “I’m a director.” [audience laughing] And he went, “Say it again!” And I went, “I’m a director.” And he goes, “One more time. But this time I need more passion from you, George Jamison.” [audience laughing] So I just got the fever and I went, “I’m a director!” Everyone there stopped what the fuck they were doing. They all stared at me, and I went, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughing] Warren Beatty’s all confused. He leans over and goes, “Um… What do you direct?” You know when you’re a kid in your teens, you just lie all the time? But you don’t really lie past 30. You lie to get yourself out of trouble. Lies like, “I don’t know that girl, I was somewhere else.” Right? [audience laughing] I just did one of those teenage lies. He goes, “What do you direct?” And I said, “I’ve directed two independent films… and I have a big budget film in the works with Warner Bros.” [audience laughing] And then Warren Beatty looks at me and goes, “Um… How can we stay in touch?” And I just went… “I’m fucking lying, man.” [audience laughing] And before I could say anything else, my manager saw that I was drowning in this conversation, he swooped in, so Hollywood-y, he goes, “I love this. Jim Jefferies, Warren Beatty, you’re gonna make a lot of great films together. Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna take my number, Warren, I’m gonna take yours. We’re gonna stay in touch.” They start swapping numbers and I’m standing off to the side, like, “I don’t know what the fuck this is.” [audience laughing] Before I could say anything stupid, Alex puts his arm around me, and drags me out of the party. I’m like, “I don’t know what just happened, Alex.” He turned me and went, “You’re gonna have to learn how to direct.” [audience laughing and cheering] Now, before we go, on all my specials, I do this little bit at the end. Um, I mention depression. Depression has been something that has been a major part of my life. Not just my life, but my father’s life, and it has sort of controlled… um, everything for me. Now, if you’re suffering from depression… As I hit 40, it’s gotten a bit better. And it’s gotten a bit better because I was speaking to my dad, who’s 76, and I said, “Dad, why aren’t you depressed?” And he said, “Ah… what are you going to do?” Now… [audience laughing] That actually said something to me. It said something big in my brain, actually, it flicked a switch. All right, ’cause I wasted my 20s being depressed, the prime years of my life. I wasted most of my 30s being depressed, and a lot of you may have done that as well. But this is the thing, right? The only reason we’re depressed in our 20s and our 30s and our 40s, the prime of our life, is because of hope. [audience laughing] ‘Cause we think that something better is fucking coming, right? You think you’re gonna make it. You think you’re gonna be something. “What if I don’t meet the woman of my dreams?” “What if I don’t get the career I want?” And then when you’re old, you go, “Ha!” [audience laughing] “I guess none of that happened.” [audience laughing] But then you’re happy to be alive. See, I spent weeks, in my 20s, in my fucking bed going, “I don’t want to live. I can’t get out of my fucking bed.” You know who doesn’t do that? People in their 90s. You don’t meet depressed people in their 90s. I used to be like, “I can’t get up.” People in their 90s are like, “I’m up!” [audience laughing] “Did it again! Boom!” [audience laughing and cheering] So all you have to do is outlive your depression. [audience laughing] And then embrace the things that make you fucking weird. All right, I’m 40, about to turn 41 in a few weeks, and… [scattered cheers from crowd] I’ll tell you a weird thing about me. I have a passion. My passion is this. I like little things that look like they should be big things. I act like they’re full-size, but that I’m a giant. [audience laughing] I’ll give you an example. When you’re in a shitty hotel, they give you a little box of breakfast cereal? I act like that’s a full-size box of breakfast cereal. Then I walk up to people and go, “This is a full-size box of breakfast cereal. I’m a giant!” Like, my ex, Kate, she had to stop buying cherry tomatoes and baby carrots, ’cause whenever we had them in the house… [audience laughing] I was a pain in the ass. I was always like, “Kate! It’s a regular size tomato! I’m gonna eat it in one bite! ‘Cause I’m a giant, Kate!” Every time we went to a restaurant and I ordered sliders, she was like, “Fuck, here we go.” [audience laughing] You don’t wanna be sitting next to me on a plane when you get that little bottle of vodka. I’m a nightmare. I’m like… [yells] “Everyone, I should be drunk! I just drank a whole bottle of vodka. But I’m not… ’cause I’m a giant!” Now, this all came to a head when my son was two. We were trying to put him in preschool, and we went around to the different schools, we’re taking the tours, and we were on this one tour, at the school he actually ended up at, and they were showing us the play equipment in the classrooms, and then we walked into the toilets. [audience laughing] And they had these toilets for two-year-olds, which had little tiny bowls, a little tiny seat, a little tiny water thing, and a little tiny flusher, and as soon as I saw them… [audience laughing] I was in heaven. And the rest of the group kept walking, and I acted like I was walking, but I wasn’t. ‘Cause I had to stick around, because I had to do a shit on a little toilet. [audience laughing] I didn’t even need to do a shit. This was an extra unnecessary shit. I had done a shit two hours earlier. So I pull down my pants, and I get on the little toilet, now, maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. [audience laughing] So I’m doing this shit, and the hole’s so small, it only covers my asshole, so my cock and balls are sitting up… on the lip of the seat, and I’m just beaming, but then I reach a dilemma. Often, when you shit, you also need to wee. [audience laughing] And my dick wanted to wee, but I was just shitting, so my dick was confused. My dick was like, “Name me a scenario where shit is welcome and wee isn’t.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “We’re just shitting right now.” It’s like, “Fuck it, I’m gonna wee,” and I’m like, “Please don’t wee! ‘Cause if you wee, I’ll become a sex offender, and Hank won’t get into the school… and Kate won’t get happy.” Now, at this stage, Kate realizes I’ve left the group. [audience laughing] And she walks back in to see the father of her child doing a shit on a little toilet, with his cock and balls sitting up on the lip. The look of disappointment that just flooded her face… I just looked at her like this. [audience laughing] “I’m a giant, Kate!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. I loved every minute of it. [audience cheering] [rock music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RICKY GERVAIS: LIVE IV – SCIENCE (2010) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-iv-science-transcript/

(THUNDERCLAP) SPOOKY VOICE: Long ago, in a castle laboratory, (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) sort of like Frankenstein’s, you know, science turned abomination, a mad doctor’s dream to create a human being from the body parts of other human beings. A bit pointless, really. He wanted to create the world’s finest comedian. Popular, clever, funny. So a male comedian, obviously. Got a penis and everything. A little bit smaller than he would have wanted. But, you know, it’s fine. It’s average. He’s a little bit fat, but fat is funny. Average penis. Little bit chunky, but… So, please welcome to the stage… (BABA O’RILEY PLAYING) …creator of The Office, Extras, Flanimals, record-breaking stand-up, winner of three Golden Globes, two Primetime Emmys, and seven BAFTAs, a man with an average-sized penis – it’s fine, honestly – the one, the only, Mr Ricky Gervais. (CROWD CHEERING) (BABA O’RILEY CONTINUING) Thank you. Hello. Hello. Wow! Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you so much. I should explain something straight away. Usually, when I come out on stage, it’s amazing. I’m doing cartwheels, I’m doing back flips. It’s fucking spectacular. But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true. That is true. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking. Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf, but… No, I’ve been in agony. I’m on painkillers right now. So if I suddenly start talking like Kerry Katona, you’ll know why. ”I’m not drunk. I’m not drunk.” Mother of the Year, one year. When the doctor gave me the painkillers – this is true – he said, ”Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these,” and I went, ”I don’t want them, then,” and he went, ”What?” I said, ”Give me some you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, ”Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” ”Who are you? My fucking mother? Just give me them.” So, yeah, I’ve been walking round like the Elephant Man. But without the big cock, obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to go with the head. Then it would balance things out. ‘Cause then he’d look in the mirror and he’d go, (SAD VOICE) ”Oh, no.” What… Fucking Zippy. What the fuck was that? No, shut up. Then he’d sort of go, ”Oh, no, oh, look at that head.” ”Hold on, though, what’s going on down here?” ”Swings and roundabouts!” ”Let’s celebrate! The buns are on me.” Um… So, yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel, though. Don’t you hate that, when an artist cancels? You turn up, you go, ”Concert cancelled due to sore throat.” Or, ”I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw! Can you imagine a labourer trying that? Going, ”Oh, I got a little tickle. I’m fed up.” ”Aw. Move the fucking bricks, mate.” One artist has had a good excuse to cancel a concert in recent years, and that’s Michael Jackson. Everyone else is a fucking malingerer. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin couple of months back. O2 Arena, Dublin. 10,000 seats. Sold out way in advance. Getting towards the gig. Looking forward to it. A few days before, all the planes start being grounded ’cause of this volcanic ash cloud. A volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t get on a plane. What’s the point of fucking Iceland? Really. I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it. It’s no good. It’s not doing… Just fill in the fucking volcanoes with concrete. In fact, tarmac the whole country, and make it a car park for real Europe. Waste of space! So, yeah, um, and… Sort of like pop stars not coming to England. We’re cancelling. They couldn’t get on… And I was thinking, ”I can’t cancel. I can’t cancel, I’ve got to get there.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. Cost me $12,000. Just ’cause I couldn’t bear to let anyone down. Or take the ferry. Yeah, they were still running fine. Sure. I think there were extra ones they put on, but… That would have meant mixing with the general public. This is about as close as I ever want to be to… to – no offence – scum. No. I don’t know if anyone was affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends all round the world that couldn’t get back. They missed weddings, and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in hotels they hadn’t budgeted for for weeks on end, and they couldn’t get their money back ’cause the airlines were saying, ”No, we can’t pay you, ’cause the insurance companies won’t pay us, ”’cause they’re saying it’s an act of God.” What? What isn’t an act of God? If you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. He’s… He’s all-powerful and he’s everywhere. He invented everything. He was… Before he was around, there was nothing. He invented time, space, everything, okay? So he’s across it all. Nothing happens by mistake. He’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off is not him going, ”Oh, fuck, I left the oven on!” That… And who are these insurance companies that know what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they decide? Have they got a hotline to God? They call God up, do they? And go… Ring, ring. ”Hello?” ”Y’ello.” ”Um, could I speak to God, please?” ”Speaking.” ”Oh! I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” ”What do you want?” ”Um, sorry, that volcanic ash cloud, was that you?” ”Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was an act of me, all right.” (GIGGLING) ”So I shouldn’t pay out?” ”Don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” ”Oh, cheers. ”While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” ”A lot of Steve Baxters.” ”Um, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. ”It happened on the third of June, 2:15.” ”Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn’t me. ”I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.” (CROWD MOANING) He does everything. Anyway, I’m so glad I didn’t cancel. It’s fantastic to be here, seeing all you happy, smiley faces. Probably… (PEOPLE HOOTING) Yes, thank you. You’re… You’re probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. Or am I… I’m not being funny, but you lucky cunts! Yes, you are! I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. Is it still going? It really didn’t affect me. (LAUGHING) Just being honest. Just being honest. Um… We can laugh about it now, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out that you could go into your bank and say, ”Can I withdraw my cash?” and they could go, ”No, we ain’t got it.” ”Sorry?” ”We… No.” ”I’ve got $50,000 saved.” ”Ha! You ain’t.” ”Well, where is it?” ”Dunno.” ”Well, have you checked the vault?” ”It’s empty.” ”What was the point of that? ”You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearly the end of the UK leg of the tour, then I’m off to America, to finish that off, and then I’m doing the rest of the world. It’s going to be the first world comedy tour. And then I’m going to enter Britain’s Got Talent. ‘Cause, whoa, that’s when the career really… (MIMICKING AIRPLANE TAKING OFF) Look at Susan Boyle. If you can. Fucking hell! Jesus Christ. Oh! Shocking. Be fair, though. ‘Cause usually, in the music industry, it’s all about image, isn’t it? You can’t just have a great voice and a great talent, you’ve got to be young and thin, and trendy and pretty, and she’s turned all that on its head. Although I think it’s the same powers of image, just working in reverse with her, ’cause I don’t think she has got a great voice, actually. I think she’s fooled a lot of people. It’s sort of like mock opera for people who don’t know any better. But I don’t think she’d be where she was today if it wasn’t for the fact that she looked like such a fucking mong. ”He said ‘mong’.” Yeah, he did. Yeah. ”You can’t say ‘mong’.” You can. It’s fucking easy. It’s one of the easiest words to say. It’s like, ”mong”. And it’s, like, you just need lips. (STAMMERING) Even mongs can say it. That’s part of the beauty of the word. They don’t consider it a perk, I’m sure. But… ”Why does he get away with it and no one else can? ”Ban him from the telly.” Good luck. (CLEARING THROAT) And even if they do ban me from the telly, I’ll just go around and shout ”mong” through their window. I care about it that much. It’s just words, and there is no better word to describe Susan Boyle. When… When she first came on the telly, right? When she first came on the telly, I went, ”Is that a mong?” You all did! You all did! And you’re meant to. Like the judges hadn’t planned that. Didn’t they! They knew it in rehearsal. They knew that was going to happen. They knew the headline was going to be, ”Oh! Voice of an angel, face of a mong.” And they… They were right. And we all fell for it, you know? And it… I don’t mean she has Down’s syndrome, by the way. No. No, that would be offensive. That word doesn’t mean that any more. It’s far removed from that. We don’t use that word to describe that condition. ”What about the derivation?” Never mind the derivation. Words change. When I came out here tonight, I called you all ”cunts”, remember? That used to be an insult, but now it’s a term of endearment. So… Words change. Okay. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. Now, listen. (LAUGHING) You can have too much of a good thing. Like heroin. What? Um… Although, too much heroin is death, basically. ”What’s up with him?” ”Too much.” ”Was it good?” ”Yeah, it was lovely, but just too much.” That’s the thing, kids. Try anything once, sure. Try… But know this about heroin. You go, ”Oh, go on, I’ll have one. ”I’ll have one heroin. Go on. That’s right. Oh, I’ll just have the one. ”Oh, that’s just what I thought. ”Oh, it’s fucking lovely, that. Give us… I can’t just have one. ”They’re like HobNobs.” Or serial killing. That is… That’s surprisingly moreish. You think, ”I’ll just do one heinous crime. ”I love all that. I love all that. I’ll just go out…” You go out, tooled up, and you chop someone up… And don’t just kill ’em. If you’re a serial killer, kill ’em, fuck ’em, eat ’em, right? In that order. At least have a thing. Do you know what I mean? I don’t want to see you on telly in 10 years’ time going, ”Oh, why did you do it?” ”Oh, Ricky Gervais told me to try heroin and be a serial killer.” ”Oh, what did you do?” ”I just killed him.” ”What, you didn’t fuck him and eat him?” ”No.” ”Get out of my fucking courtroom.” So… And you go, ”Well, I’ve done that.” Get rid of all the body parts. Well, not all of them. Keep a bit for later. What? Oh, no, Jesus Christ. Oh, maybe you shouldn’t mix alcohol with painkillers. Right? It just seemed like a waste, right? And… You get home and you go, ”Right, I’ve done that. ”I never have to do that again.” Before you know it you’re back down B&Q with a brand-new claw hammer going, ”Oh, fuck me. ”Here we go again.” So just be warned. Okay, let’s get on with it. The show is quite long, but not as long as when I saw Ken Dodd at the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, and I left after two and a half hours, during the interval, okay? He did five hours. I mean, he was 75 then. Five hours of stand-up comedy. I can’t even fucking stand up for five hours these days. And he bounced out. I mean, I went along somewhat ironically, but he is a legend. We got there, and I went along with a girlfriend, and I was… We were the youngest by about 30 years, I think. Everyone else was, like, in their 70s, and they must follow Doddy around, and they knew they were in it for the long haul. They’d come in cagoules and pack lunches, right? And I don’t know if you’ve been to the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, but it’s like this, but without a roof, obviously. It’s got a stage show, and lights and it’s got fixed seating, okay? It’s sort of like amphitheatre seating all the way round the outside, and there’s nothing in the middle. They just left that wild. You can’t sit there. It’s just like a… I want to say grassy knoll, but I’m not sure I know what a ”knoll” is. I’ve only ever heard that when people are talking about the Kennedy assassination. I assume it’s a hillock, but I didn’t want to say ”hillock” when a president’s had his brain shot out ’cause it’s vaguely comical, isn’t it? You go, ”The president’s been shot!” ”Oh, from where?” ”A hillock.” ”A what?” So they say ”knoll”. And they go, ”Oh!” So you go, ”Oh, no, who shot him, and what the fuck’s a knoll?” It adds to the mystery. Anyway. So… I look down, and I realise that one person – I use the term loosely – had sort of sat there, okay, and the security had let her and people were ignoring her. I thought, ”Oh…” Anyway, she was a bit… And, oh, my God, she was… I’m trying to be politically correct tonight. I’m trying to avoid the phrase ”fat mental bird”, but… That’s what she was. Why do people use euphemisms like that? They go like that. Like they’re trying to… But you’ve said it. We know what you were… You’ve said ”mental”. In fact, you’ve said it so more people can understand. The deaf and foreigners can understand what you’re saying now. And they don’t want to say ”fat” any more. They use euphemisms for fat. They don’t want to say ”fat” ’cause they think it’s a derogatory term. It’s not. It’s descriptive, okay? They say things like, ”Oh, you know Brenda?” ”No.” ”Oh, you know Brenda. F… Big girl.” ”What, seven-foot?” ”No, not tall, but… Big.” ”What does she look like?” ”Oh! ”You know, she’s clammy, even in winter.” Just say ”fat”. ”You know Brenda. She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” I’ve been accused in the past of having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the scientific fact that you get fat, you put on weight, you put on a sub-cuticle layer of fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life, but they got fat ’cause they took on more calories than they burned off, okay? And they knew that is what was happening. No one ever got fat behind their own back. No one ever went, ”Huh? What the fuck’s that?” No one’s creeping in to thin people’s apartments and injecting their lettuce with a million calories, okay? So, they’re doing it. They’re doing it with their own free will, and they know that’s what’s making them fat, okay? You see a fat person surrounded by puddings, right? You go up to him, you go, ”Frank, you know what’s making you fat?” He doesn’t go, ”Is it all the running?” He knows it’s… So all I’m saying is you get fat if you eat too much and you know that’s what’s happening. But I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. I don’t make value judgements on any other corridors of their existence. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, ”Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s probably jolly.” A lot of them are miserable. If I see a fat girl, I don’t go, ”Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t… A lot of them started eating ’cause they had fuck-all to lose, if I’m being… I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs, so next time, buy two seats. Right? Um… I’m joking. I’m joking. I haven’t got a problem with fat people. I haven’t… In fact, I feel sorry for them. No, even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them. Particularly women, because I think fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we go, ”Fuck it, all bought and paid for,” right? We don’t come under the same scrutiny of society as women, ’cause they’re inundated with how they should look. There’s size-zero models and magazines with, ”Look like this.” And this diet, that diet, keep your man, and I think they make such an effort. You see fat girls, they make an effort. They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. Eh? They always… They’ve always got lovely hair and lovely long nails. They make an effort. Anything but jogging. All right? They love high heels, don’t they? Fat girls, they love high heels. They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. They’re… It… You can just hear them coming now. Not on the lino! Up and down the lawn, it’s good for it. Go on! Out you go. But I’m not having a go. Um… I was listening to Radio 4 the other day and there was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straight away, as always, okay? And this woman was going, ”Well, yeah, it’s not right, you know, it’s not clever. ”He makes fun of fat people. He makes jokes about fat people, and it’s not right. ”I mean, he wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? ”And being fat is like being gay.” What? No… No, it’s not. You can’t choose your sexuality. We’ve established you choose to be fat by eating, okay? But with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, you move to Brighton, and… And that’s it. You’re gay. With being fat, you have to work… For being fat to be the same as being gay, you’d have to be born straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. Do you know what… It doesn’t happen. ”Happy 16th birthday, son.” ”This is Raul. Right? ”Suck his cock.” ”Uh, I’m heterosexual, Father.” ”Oh, these new-fangled words. ”Suck his cock. Come on.” ”I… I… I don’t like cock.” ”Doesn’t like cock! ”How do you know if you never tried it?” ”Well…” ”Ah! ”Suck his cock, come on.” (IN FALSETTO) ”Oh, suck Raul’s cock for your father. He’s paid for it. Go on, suck…” ”I don’t like…” ”Just try it, just suck a little bit of cock. ”Just try…” ”Ugh.” ”He’s bloody playing with his cock. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth.” (GAGGING) ”Oh, don’t ‘ugh.’ Come on. Suck it, you bastard. Suck it.” -”Oh.” -”It’s not so bad, is it?” ”Ugh… Oh… ”I fucking love these.” When that happens, being fat will be like being gay. Until then, it ain’t. I was on a plane, going from New York to LA this year. And they’ve got proper fat people in America. Oh, really. They put ours to shame, really. You see one and you think, ”Oh, yes, a fat person. I’ve seen that. ”We’ve got them in England. Yeah, big fat face. Big… ”What the fuck are they?” It’s like they’ve gone, ”I’ve got as fat as I possibly can, we need to get an extension. ”We need to…” What the fuck? Some of them have got shelves. Actually got shelves. Like… They keep biscuits on them. Like, fucking, ”Ooh…” ”Ooh.” And me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane, okay? Then there was the aisle, then this side were two really big, fat women, okay? And one was even fatter than the other one, right? In fact, she got on and she went, just blase, quite loudly, she went, ”Can I have a belt extension?” And they went, ”Yeah, sure. Yeah, course you can. You’ve earned it.” Right? So, proper fat. In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, ”Should one of us swap with one of them? ”’Cause otherwise, we’re just going to Canada.” I mean… And she was there, okay, and she’d got on the plane with one of those takeaway buckets of fast food. Bucket. I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just go, ”Oh, fuck it. Give me… Treat me like a farm animal. Just… ”In fact, just strap it to my fucking head. ”Give me it in a bucket. Give it…” ”How would you like your meal?” ”In a bucket, please.” ”You sure you don’t just want a big plate?” ”I grew out of plates when I was five, you cunt. I want it in a bucket.” Fuck’s sake. And she’s there, and she’s chowing down on it, and she turns to her friend and says, ”This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” Unbelievable. But I’m not having a go, I’m not having a go. Even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them, because… I found this out, actually, to be fair… I don’t know if you know this about fat people, they fucking love cake. They love it. You can’t leave a cake out with a fat person. You could’ve just baked a cake for later and your neighbour, fat neighbour, could come round, she could still be chewing the last of her lunch, and she’d come in and she’d see the cake and she’d just stop like that. And then she’d look at you like that. And you’ll go, ”Oh, that’s for Brian’s birthday. ”Do you want a little bit?” ”Yeah, go on, just a little bit. Yeah, just… ”Just a little taste.” ”There you go.” ”Oh, thank you. Oh, that is lovely. Ooh! ”That is beautiful.” ”Oh, fuck it.” But I blame the food industries, right? If you go in a supermarket, it’s full of that crap. Everything is hydrogenated fats. Everything’s got thousands of calories in, like, a portion. They’re injecting calories with calories and deep-frying them and sprinkling on fucking calories, okay? And I think that fat people find that irresistible. They’ve got no willpower, so I think we’ve got to help them, okay? And also, have you seen how big the doors are, to get into a supermarket? They’re… They’re quadruple. No one gets too big to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? So… And they open automatically. So no one’s using calories by pushing anything, okay? It’s a good job they do open automatically, ’cause they’re usually glass and the fat person’s seen the cake from down there and they’re just doing like that… And they’re grazing. They’re grazing, like that, right? Keep the door. Keep the big door. Come on, fat people. You can all get in. You can all get in. They’re coming… I can hear them, here they come. Right? And they’re in there, but when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg and wholegrains, so… Uh? And they’ll be, of course they’ll be flabbergasted at first. They won’t understand it. That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re looking… ”Where’s the cake? The cake, the cake.” ”Cakes are over there.” ”Ooh, the cakes are over here.” The cakes are over here, through a human-sized door. Oh! And they go, ”Oh, fucking hell.” ”I can’t get in, I can’t get the cake.” They take their heels off, they’re trying to hook some cake. (MOANING) ”Oh, God!” Like that. And they don’t know what to do, they’re starving, so they have to go and eat a banana. (GAGGING) (PANTING) ”Fuck me, carrots, nuts, anything. Just try…” And they’re back and forth and the fat’s falling of them, right? And soon they can slip through the door and have a cake, and then they can’t get out again. But… But I’m saying we’ve got to do something. We’ve got to intervene. Because we’ve got to help them. And people say, ”No, no, no, nothing to do with you. ”It’s their body, it’s their life.” Yeah, but we don’t say that about wearing a crash helmet or wearing a safety belt, do we? Or if you’ve got a smackhead in the family, you don’t go, ”Oh, it’s his body. He loves the old heroin.” Right? You… You go, ”Please don’t die, please stop this shit.” And you grab him and throw him in a cupboard for three weeks, or whatever. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard, you’d do your back in, like me, but I’m saying… Smackheads don’t weigh anything, you can fling them around. They’re… In fact, when they’re lying there, just get the needle and just flick and they just sort of go in like that. Fat people, you’ve got to lure them in. Just a little trail of M&M’s, they’ll follow that anywhere. See? I do care. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Mmm. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Ken Dodd. Right. So… I’m at Ken Dodd. There’s this big, fat woman sitting there. And obviously, security… I assume she must follow Dodd around, ’cause everyone’s turning a blind eye, right? Even Dodd. Dodd’s ignoring her. She’s 20 yards from him, right? And she’s… Oh, my God… I’ve got to use one of his words. She’s blobular, okay? She’s about 45, 50…stone. No. She’s about 20 stone. And she’s sat there, cross-legged, eating a pack lunch, okay? She’s in this, like, big, white, greying sort of T-shirt. And… Oh, and wearing leggings. No! Don’t wear leggings if you’re that shape, okay? It looked like someone had painted the bottom of an egg black, right? And she’d made no effort. She had lank, greasy hair and she’d eaten her nails, I think. I’ll tell you what she looked like. This might not mean anything to you, but they’re the bane of my life, she looked like an autograph hunter. Now, these people are the epsilon minors of society. Even trainspotters look down on autograph hunters. They’ve all got this haircut, right? Everything is tucked in, like that. They’ve always got, like, a satchel where they just rip things out of the Radio Times. ”Sign this, Ricky.” ”Yeah.” ”Sign this.” ”Sign this.” ”That’s a piece of toast, mate.” ”What?” Not one of them’s symmetrical. I mean, they’re a mess. I don’t mean their clothes, I mean their fucking DNA. It’s just… Back to handsome. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY) I was doing a radio interview a while back, on Capital Radio in Leicester Square. And it was live, which is always a mistake ’cause these little freaks hear you at home. And nowadays, because of the phone scandals, if something’s pre-recorded, they have to tell you about it. So if it really is live, they bang on about it. And they were going, ”He’s actually here now ”in the heart of London, it’s Ricky Gervais, it’s 10:45.” And they hear you and they go, ”He’s there”, and they come along and wait for you. They know where you are. Like that, right? And I was coming down the stairs after the interview, and the security guard said, ”Oh, there’s a few autograph…” I thought, ”Oh.” I went out there and there they were, about 16 of them, like that. I don’t know the collective noun. A gaggle of mongs, right? Yeah. Right? And the first thing that hits you is the BO. It is staggering, okay? And so I’m… I’m nice to them. They’re strong. And… Fuck it. And I’m signing and I’m getting away, and as I’m going away, right, I feel something hit me there, and I look down and it wasn’t one of them, it was this old lady that had sort of wandered over the square. She was about 60, 65. Really sort of grimy, right? And sort of had a bandana with sort of tassels on it and sort of these, a robe thing and sort of bangles, and she was selling some sort of twig in tinfoil. Again, I don’t know the politically correct term. Is it ”smelly traveller”? I think it is, I think it is. Right? And she went, ”Lucky heather?” I went, ”No, thanks.” I wanted to go back and go, ”What? What?” ”Lucky heather? Is it? ”Is it? How lucky is it? ”’Cause you’re covered in the shit and you’re begging in Leicester Square, so…” Fucking maggot, get off me. I, uh… Ken Dodd. Sorry, right, so… Ken Dodd, me, hundreds of old people. Okay, Ken Dodd: ”Hum, humunctious!” Right? Fat, mad woman sat there, cross-legged. ”Ah.” Every time Dodd goes, ”Hum!”, she goes, ”Ahhh”, like that, right? I mean, everyone’s ignoring her. She must go to every concert, obviously a bit of a stalker. Dodd not put off at all, just doing his thing. ”Ah, hum!” ”Ahhh!” Jane’s going, ”Don’t look.” I’m going, ”You’re having a laugh, ain’t ya? I can’t take my eyes off her.” Right? I’m looking at this, every time he goes, ”Hum!” I’m looking at him, I’m looking at her, I’m looking at him, like that. Back and forth. It’s like tennis in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It was like… And… So she’s there, right – and this is a true story – after about 20 minutes, her hand goes down the leggings. Yeah. (AUDIENCE MOANING) Yeah. And… Oh! Right? So everyone just… I can feel them all, I’m going, ”Oh, my God. ”Suddenly this is interesting again.” ”Hum!” Right? So I’m just, like… And… See… No, but she’s not doing it discreetly. Her little fucking legs are straight out now. I mean… Twenty yards in front of Dodd, trying to tell little jokes about tax evasion: ”It was under the carpet!” ”Hum!” ”Ahhh.” Right? And she’s… No, but she’s making a noise! It’s not my fucking… She’s making a noise, she’s sort of going… (MOANING) Because she was Flipper, right? And… ”What? Timmy’s fallen down a well?” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) ”I think she wants us to follow her!” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) So, she’s going all… Right? She’s going away. She finishes. She goes, ”Ahhh! Ahhh!” Has another sandwich. (AUDIENCE GROANING) Oh! True story. I don’t know why I told you, but it is a true story. It’s out of my head and into yours now. Oh. Mmm. Ah. This show’s called Science, by the way. (LAUGHING) Wikipedia says that science is, ”The concerted human effort to understand the physical or natural world. ”Science seeks the truth and it doesn’t discriminate.” So something’s either true or it isn’t. It hasn’t got a will, a hope, okay? You know, a moral conscience. ”For better or worse, it finds things out, ”whether that is inventing the atomic bomb, capable of mass human destruction, ”or discovering ways to end famine.” I heard an interesting phrase coined about the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Someone said that dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima is an example of science going wrong. Whereas I think it worked a treat, didn’t it? Actually, that’s what they wanted to happen, wasn’t it? They said, ”How can we melt 100,000 Japanese people really quickly?” Someone said, ”Try the atomic bomb.” They went…”Did it work?” ”Yup.” So the science went right, just a fucking bit. Yeah. The science going wrong would’ve been them coming round going, ”Did it explode?” ”No.” ”Oh, fuck. No?” ”No.” ”Oh! Did it kill anyone?” ”One. Just… Just hit him straight on the head. ”He was out shopping. ”For a camera, probably.” Shut up. Fuck off. No, but that isn’t science’s fault. Do you know what I mean? Science discovered that that process could release all that energy. The military did that. Governments, us. We’re in charge. Science is to enhance our existence. The big one there is obviously famine, okay? And you can’t have a good life if you haven’t got a life at all. And I’m all for ending famine, obviously. As long as it doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Um… Which brings me to this little fad that we need to stamp out. This happened to me Christmas before last. Exchanging gifts with friends, old friends, good friends. Quite well-off friends, if I’m being honest. I gave them a coffee-making machine from Selfridges, top of the range. They loved it, they loved it. And they gave me mine, it was just a card. I thought, ”Oh, vouchers.” I opened it up, it wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card, with a picture of a goat on it. Um… And some stuff about… I said, ”What’s this?” They went, ”Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” ”What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, ”Is it too late to say that’s a mistake, take that back?” But they had it under their arm. Right? So… I went… ”Oh, we bought you a goat and we gave it to an African family.” ”Oh, did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all, basically. That is basically what you’re saying, isn’t it? I mean, why the… I don’t even know this African family! Why would I give them a goat? Why would I give them my goat? A goat I didn’t know I had until a minute ago. ”Give me my fucking goat. Where’s my goat?” I mean, the arrogance, to say, ”I’ve got you a goat, but I gave it away.” Next year I’m gonna go, ”Oh, I got you a hedgehog. ”But I threw it to some Gypsies on the way. Is that all right?” This serves no purpose. This is good for no one. They’re 50 quid down, I’ve got nothing. Okay? The African family’s going, ”Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, ”Where the fuck am I? ”What the… ”A week ago I was gambling around the Cotswolds. ”There was grass and tourists with nuts and shit. ”This is a fucking dustbowl. This is shit.” There’s no way the goat wanted to go to Africa. There’s no way. It was basically kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa, like Roots in reverse. There is no way. When they said, ”Do you want to go to Africa?”, it went, ”Definitely, no way. No.” ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, lions!” (NERVOUS GIGGLING) ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, AIDS!” (GIGGLING) ”Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” ”It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with charity, okay? Particularly at Christmas. That’s when they sting you, when they give you a guilt trip. You’re sitting down, Christmas Day, you’ve got all your food, loads of food, too much food. Probably going to throw a lot of it away. And all the adverts on telly are for charity, right? Um, this one runs every Christmas Day. ”Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” ”Yeah, I fucking hate her. ”Nosy bitch winds me up all year round. ”I can’t wait for the cold weather, if I’m being honest.” There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So, result. The other big campaign, the other big campaign, ”A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” Right behind that. I love animals, I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, ”Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” ”No.” ”Can I have a puppy?” And they give in to shut them up. And they get the puppy, and they like it when it’s cute, but then they grow up and they get bored with it, they lumber the parents with it, and the parents get bored with it and they abandon it. 1 1,000 pets abandoned in England and Wales last year. And I think kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got children of my own, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews and they’ve got kids of their own now. And I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one, too, and sort of not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. This is what I do, okay? Here’s a tip. You’ve got to wait till Christmas Eve, go to an animal shelter or an animal-rescue home, not a breeder. And I go there, and I go straight to the veterinary bit. And when they’re dealing with, like, the little runts that are born all sick, and they’re just putting them down, they’ve got no quality of life, I go, ”No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, ”It’s only going to live a day.” So I run home with it, going, ”Don’t die yet.” Get a Starbucks, little bit of Starbucks. ”Don’t die yet. Don’t die.” And I run in. And I call my niece, she runs over, I go, ”Look.” ”Oh, you got me a puppy!” ”I’m your best uncle, I got you a puppy.” ”Oh! Thanks.” ”Go and play with it, quick. Go and play with it.” And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve, and they sleep with it and they wake up Christmas Day, it’s cold, dead, stiff, gone, so… Not a problem. Um… And they always come down, saying, (CRYING) ”Oh! My puppy’s dead.” And I go, ”What? The puppy your uncle got you? ”He did his bit and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” And they go, ”Yeah.” And I go, ”Oh, no. ”Maybe you rolled over on it in the night.” ”Oh, did I?” (SOBBING) Oh, God! And they always go, ”I killed my puppy, I killed my puppy.” I go, ”No, no, you didn’t kill your puppy. ”Jesus killed your puppy. ”On his birthday. ”’Cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” So… They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign, of course, ”Don’t drink and drive.” Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached now. When I was growing up, there was no stigma. It was like, if you got away with it, that was all right. I’d be getting in the car with grown-ups, with family, and I’d go, ”Oh, you can’t drive, you’re drunk.” And they’d go, ”It’s all right, I won’t get caught.” But people now know that that’s not the point. It wrecks lives. I’ve done it once. I’m not proud of it in the slightest. I’m fucking ashamed of it. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. That was Christmas, and I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew at the time, ”I shouldn’t be in this car.” But I learnt my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. In the end, I didn’t kill her. In the end, I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. ‘Cause luckily, 1,000-to-1 shot, I know, she had Alzheimer’s. Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, not a credible witness. I’ll tell you what. Spiders, they’re always ready, aren’t they? Spiders, always ready for action. A spider is always ready, like that. Completely ready, all the time. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You scare a cat, it’ll go, ”Ooh!” Like that, okay? But then it goes back to chill. Most of the time they’re just on their side, aren’t they, cats? Cats are just, chill out, got their head down, all four limbs stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the floor with its head down, like that, and all eight legs just out like that. ”Oh, what the fuck…” They’re always ready, like that. And they’re always ready in every direction, like the fucking Matrix, like that. They don’t have to go, ”What was that?” They don’t have to… They’ve got fucking 10 eyes and eight legs. Over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, ”That spider’s not ready.” ”No? Touch the web.” ”What?” ”Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individual in each species, okay? And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, Arthropoda, of which there are many. There could be five million species of animal on the Earth. Best guess, right, minimum, scientists say. There’s so many, we can’t… But five million. And that’s 1%% of all animal species that have ever existed. Ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are extinct. And that remaining 1%% is five million strong. Take one of those species, termites. If you were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on Earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. Um… (CLEARING THROAT) It’s the book of Noah. Um, the children’s edition. Um… I got this as a prize at Sunday school. I used to go every week. I believed in all this till I was about eight. Um… This was when I was four. St Agnes Sunday school. ”Presented to Rikki Gervais.” R-I-K-K-I. Like a fucking mongoose. ”For regular attendance.” Not even for doing anything good. Just for turning up. ”Oh, he’s always here. Give him something, he’ll be back.” ”Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. ”Long, long ago, when God first made the Earth…” I’ll let both those points slip. We haven’t got time. Okay. ”Long, long ago,” I should just say, is 5,000 years, according to the Bible. According to the Old Testament, the Earth is no older than 5,000 years, okay? Which puts us around the time of the agricultural revolution. Uh… It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in. ”4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the Earth ”and sky…” All right, don’t big it up. I mean, it… It comes as a package, really, doesn’t it? You couldn’t… The sky was never an optional extra. It could be… ”I built you a planet.” ”I can’t breathe.” ”Would you like an atmosphere?” ”Course I fucking would.” So… ”Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. ”God made human beings, too. ”And he wanted them to be good, like himself.” Arrogant. ”But very soon, they wanted their own way. ”They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. Look at that. You can’t get more wicked than that, really. ”Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Really. ”Fuck off, wicked.” God looking on. ”Yeah, carry on. See what happens. See what happens.” Bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ”God looked at them and said to himself, ”’They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.”’ Really? That’s your only choice, is it? That’s… You have to? Right… Straight to genocide. No one verbal and two written warnings? No? Just straight to the annihilation of the entire human race? ‘Cause a fatty yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? That’s your solution, is it? I mean, anger management. Chill the fuck out. I read this book to KarI Pilkington, right? Who… Yeah, he is an absolute… Yes. He is… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Head like a fucking orange, I know. Um… But I got to this bit and I said, ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.” And Karl goes, ”He sounds gay.” I went, ”What do you mean?” He went, ”Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was having a hissy fit. Like God’s going, ”Look what they’ve done. ”No, they’re treating me like a cunt, I’m gonna treat them like a cunt.” I said, ”Karl, God is not gay, all right? Read the Bible, he hates them.” ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth, ”and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? In Leviticus, I think it is, they list all the animals that you’re… All the punishments for sleeping with them. Like, if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do this, and if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do that and get killed… And one of them is, ”If you sleep with a squid, ”you get smitten in the knees.” So if people are coming back from the beach like that, you know exactly what they’ve done. Anyway, God is not gay. Let’s establish that. ”But there was one man who was still very good. ”His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend. A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What the fuck? Where did he get that from? He lives in a cave. What the… ”What are you doing?” ”Seeing God. ”You never know. Never know.” Handlebar moustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. The old hand, going down the leggings. What? But God isn’t gay. (GIGGLING) ”God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…”’ ”You mean men and women.” ”Whatever.” ”…that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. ”I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.” That’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? ”It will make so much rain pour down on Earth, ”that everything will be drowned. But not you. ”I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat, ”with three decks and a roof over it.” ”Yeah, I know what an ark is, mate. Jesus.” ”And you will make a door in the side of it.” ”Do you think I’m a complete fucking mong?” ”Noah did exactly what God told him. ”And then God said to Noah…” Now, okay, this book, admittedly aimed at children, but taken from the story in the Old Testament of Noah, I don’t think the author of this book was a zoologist. Um, as we’ve said, there could be five million species. I don’t think he knows all of them, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence. ”I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark. ”Two lions, two tigers, two elephants, so on.” ”Look after them well and keep them alive. ”And Noah did what God said.” Now, I want you to study that scenario. So, God is angry with mankind, okay? He’s wiping them out and starting again with just Noah and his wife. He’s angry at the animals, as well, for some reason. I don’t know why. But he’s going to start again, two of each, right? He calls a flood, builds an ark. Okay, Noah says, ”Right, two of every kind, you two, you two.” There’s a fucking stampede. Brrr! Every animal species… Brrr! Two elephants! Brrr! Two toucans, just walking. Don’t know what… I think this one’s in charge. This one wants to fly, I think. He’s going, ”We’d get there quicker if we… if we flew.” ”No.” ”No?” ”No.” I could do this all night. ”No?” ”No.” ”Sure?” ”Yeah.” ”I mean, we’ve got wings.” ”We got feet, too.” ”Why don’t you want to push in?” ”’Cause that elephant’s looking at me funny.” ”Yeah, I am. ”You push in and I will stamp on you, you big-nosed twat.” ”Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you calling big-nose?” (LAUGHING) ”What?” ”Well, pot, kettle.” ”What does that mean, pot, kettle?” ”Pot calling kettle black.” ”What the fuck are you…” ”Oh, forget it.” ”I can’t forget it, I’m a fucking elephant.” Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra… Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment. Uh, giraffes, okay. Another five million to get on there. Two of each, 10 million. Ten million animals to get on that ark. They’ll go on… I mean, that’s just a few of them, right? That’s, like, 10 or 1 2. They go on as far as… Ten million more to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Uh… Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? ”Then God bent the bow of his anger ”and the rain came flooding down, covering the Earth with water. ”It rained for 40 days and nights. ”The flood water rose higher and higher, ”until it covered the tops of the highest mountains.” (GASPING) ”Every living thing was drowned, except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? In fact, all the sea creatures… I mean, they’re loving it. They were better off, if anything. Mountains underwater – their domains have increased, like, tenfold. You’ve got crabs going, ”I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! ”I’ve never been up here before. It’s great!” I think that when you see on the news, when a little village in Gloucester gets flooded or somewhere, and it’s really sad, people have lost their homes and they’re sort of traipsing around, they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets, and it’s tragic, right? But you see, like, a little row of antique shops, just completely underwater, and I always think of a fish just looking in the window of that antique shop for the first time, right? ”So that’s a chaise longue.” ”For 150 days, the Earth was covered with water. ”Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. ”The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, just ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why’s… Why’s he suddenly copped a deaf ‘un? I mean, we’re getting cryptic here. ”He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. ”It could find nowhere to settle. ”Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? ”But the dove came back, too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This… ”There was still no dry land anywhere. But one day the dove flew out…” Why did the dove get another go and not the raven? Racist! ”But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch, ”and Noah knew that God was no longer angry. ”Then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark. ”They must once more fill the Earth with living things. ”The first thing Noah did was to build an altar. ”He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. ”And God said, ‘I will make a pact of friendship with you.’ ”’I will never again send a flood to destroy the Earth. ”’The rainbow, which I put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, ”’but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men.”’ That is… That is… That is how it’s… That is how it’s used today. Um… They took it a bit literally, I think. ”’It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, ”’and which my son, Jesus, will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.”’ ”Who?” ”You’ll see.” There wasn’t a teaser campaign in the Old Testament, was there? ”Coming soon, the sequel.” Ahhh! ”And so when you’ve done wrong and you’re feeling very sad about it, ”think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. ”He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the Dove book series. I’ve only got one. Number nine, Noah. But I think my favourite would be number eight, just from the title, Jesus and the Cripple. We don’t use that word any more, Jesus. (LAUGHING) I’m writing number 13, Moses and the Mong. I read that whole book to Karl. And he believed every word. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down. Um, and I said, ”But, Karl, how could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” He went, ”So it was a big boat.” I said, ”Yeah, no, that’s true. They did.” I said, ”But they’re all part of the food chain. ”They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. ”Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, ”’Cause in a crisis, you all pull together.” Amazing. He’s amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. Um, I love books of quotations. I sort of… I read them for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations, and one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. And when I read, ”Give us the tools and we will finish the job”, I thought, ”How inspiring.” And when I read, ”Never in the field of human conflict ”was so much owed by so many to so few”, I thought, ”How patriotic.” And when I read, ”It is a good thing for an uneducated man ”to read books of quotations”, I thought, ”You cheeky fat git.” People say that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s test that. Here’s one of his. ”All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. ”No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Just, I don’t know… We’ll give it another go. Here’s another one. ”I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything, except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I want to start that with an ”ooh”. I want to go, ”Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” You know? And I want to end it with, ”I can resist everything, except temptation. ”Chance would be a fine thing.” Do you know what I mean? And when he went through customs, all those years ago in New York, and the customs officer, just doing his job, said, ”Have you anything to declare?”, Oscar Wilde famously said, ”Nothing but my genius.” (MOANING) It’s not witty. He planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country, he was all, ”Yes, sir. No, sir.” ”Anything to declare?” ”No.” ”On you go.” ”Thank… ”Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh, my God. ”Excuse me, can I go… No? No? Oh, God!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on a boat to England, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius. ”I’ll be in a book of quotations with that.” So he gets there again, finds the same bloke, goes on, bloke goes, ”On you go.” ”Aw, he didn’t even fucking ask me that time. ”Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if I had anything to declare.” ”Random.” ”Fucking random!” Back on the boat, three weeks later, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” Gets there again, right? Gets in the same bloke’s queue. This time he looks all shifty, so he gets called out. And the bloke goes… ”Did you buy anything?” ”That’s not the question. Just… ”Say, ‘Do you have anything to declare?”’ ”Have you anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” ”Whose are the butt plugs?” ”They’re… They’re mine.” Incarcerated in Reading Gaol for homosexuality. Come a long way, from it being punishable and illegal to total equality, as it should be. Gay age of consent, same as heterosexuality, and, uh, even gay marriage, um… Although, in the one place that was ahead of the game, ironically, they sort of fell behind. Uh, California. Um, they overturned it at the last election. They had a referendum, and they said no to gay marriage. Uh, you’ve got people in San Francisco going, ”That’s why we moved here.” It’s a strange sort of bigotry, that you could affect someone’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked someone once and said, ”Do you mind if these two men get married?”, and they went, ”Uh, yeah, okay.” ”Okay, wank them off, then.” ”What? I didn’t know that was going to happen.” That… It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because, presumably those people that object to that are the same people that said gay people were promiscuous and immoral. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, going, ”That’s the bit they don’t want? ”With all the other shit we do, that’s the bit that…” They must be going to judges, going, ”Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” ”What do you want to know?” ”Can I marry a man?” ”No.” ”Can I shag one up the arse and give him a little reach-round?” ”Yes.” ”Right, I can’t marry…” ”No.” ”Can I pick up a stranger in the bushes, take him home, jizz on him, ”and throw him out in the morning, all crusty and homeless?” ”Please do.” ”Couldn’t marry him?” ”No.” ”Right, can I get 15 men in a…” I’m just riffing. ”Fifteen men in a semi-circle, naked, bent over, ”spreading their arse cheeks, and attach a dildo to every part of my body ”and go at them for half an hour?” ”If you want, yeah.” I don’t know why I chose 15 in a semi-circle. I think subconsciously I was thinking of that TV show Fifteen to One. That would’ve been different, wouldn’t it? Also, I’d line them up, also, I wouldn’t face them away, I’d face them to me so you could get a… That’s one thing. Ah, no. If you were to wank off 15 men at a time, kids, it’s like plate-spinning, it is like plate-spinning, because… No, it is. ‘Cause you get these two ready to go, but they’re losing it, so you have to… So you have to go, ”Oh, oh, oh… Oh, for fuck’s sake.” ”Oh, ain’t it knackering, wanking off 15 men at once?” Never thought I’d say that. Again. What? Oh… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject matter in this show. I really do. It’s not the point, but if I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, then I don’t apologise for it, because there’s a spate of comedians going, ”Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” You shouldn’t have said it, then. You’re an idiot. Right? It’s… They bow to this pressure of going… These witch-hunts going, ”Are there things you shouldn’t make jokes about?” No. There’s nothing you can’t make a joke about. It depends what the joke is. Comedy comes from a good or a bad place. It’s contextual. It’s like this big debate about swearing. People say, ”Is swearing okay on television?” It depends. Use your common sense and your remote control. Don’t write a letter. It’s like, be warned, right? If it’s a documentary about prisoners on death row, there’s probably going to be a bit of language, okay? They’ve got nothing to lose, right? Whereas I’d complain, if it was the news, and Trevor McDonald came out and went, ”Oh, fuck me, nasty train crash.” Right? I’d go, ”No, Trev, do it straight. That’s the news, mate. That’s…” Right? But if was watching Antiques Roadshow and Michael Aspel was there with a sweet old 90-year-old man, and he went, ”Well, Albert, this ring your dead wife left you ”is worth fuck all, and she’s made you look a right cunt on telly.” Actually, I’d love that. That would be amazing. (LAUGHING) Best episode ever. Um… No, but what I’m saying is there’s this big thing about, ”Oh, um, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes.” Thing is, you tell a sick joke with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a ”sick joke” to a known paedophile. I wouldn’t go, ”Here, mate, you are going to love this more than anyone, son.” All right? Do you see my point? Right? And I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said, ’cause I don’t care what people think and I refuse to apologise for it. I mean, growing up, I always used to sort of like, you know, test the boundaries a little bit and try and get people to laugh at things they thought they shouldn’t. Um… I remember when I was… Actually, I wasn’t a kid. I was about 25. (LAUGHING) Um, me and my girlfriend had met this other couple, they’d moved down from the north, okay? And they used to come in the place where I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them, and then one day they invited us to a party. And we went along. And, one, it was a dinner party. They hadn’t warned us about that. But, two, it was with their parents, both sets of parents, their grandparents, and some great-aunts and uncles that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. So, average age of about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, ”Oh, we’ve got no one there our own age. ”Oh, what… Ricky and Jane, invite them.” So we came along. And we’re still sort of getting to know them. And, as I say, I always used to, you know, muck around and make up jokes and see if I could, you know… We’re… Us Brits, we use humour all the time. Two Brits meet, it’s the first one to get a gag out, okay? Whether it’s irony, satire, silliness or… We use it as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but mostly as a getting-to-know-you. Are you like-minded? Okay? So, uh, I told this joke. I started off lightly, in case they didn’t like that sort of thing. I said, ”Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ”’Cause she had no arms.” Yeah, right? Okay, sweet. And they laughed. A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks, right? So I thought, okay, they get it. They like that sort of thing. And, you know, you up the ante a little bit. And I told this joke. Oh, okay. Let me have a little drink. Start the car? Right. I told this joke. I made sure the old people couldn’t hear. Right, right. Father, sitting at home, reading the paper. His little girl comes running in, she’s only six. ”Hello, dear.” ”Hello, Daddy.” ”What you been doing, then?” ”Playing in the park.” ”Oh, with your friends?” ”Yeah, until the man came along.” ”Till the man came along?” ”Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, ”so it was just me and him.” ”Darling, come over here. Come on, darling. ”Whatever happened, none of it was your fault, okay? ”But tell Daddy every detail. What happened, darling? What happened?” ”Um, he took me behind a wall, so no one could see what we were doing.” ”Oh, God, darling. Then what happened?” ”Um, he took my dress off.” ”Oh, God, darling. What happened then? What happened then?” ”Um, he took his thing out.” ”Oh, God, what happened then, darling?” ”Nothing, that was it.” ”Oh, well, make something up!” Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke, and I carried on, we’re getting a bit drunk and I’m telling more jokes. Eventually, we sat down about 9:45, they’d put two sort kitchen tables together, and the hosts sat at either end and they sat me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf sort of 80-year-old man, so the conversation was a bit stilted. And after about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pipes up and says, ”Oh, tell that joke.” ”What?” And all the old people go, ”Oh, we love jokes.” ”Do you?” I looked at Ian, he went, ”It’ll be fine.” I went, ”Okay.” And he’s sort of got on with his conversation. I went, ”Oh, um…” They’re all like that. Little, sweet, old faces. I went… (GASPING) ”Uh… Oh, what the fuck… ”Father, sitting at home reading the paper. His little girl comes round.” Told the whole joke, got to the bit, ”Well, make something up,” and they went, ahem, silence. I looked at Ian, he went, ”Not that one!” Thanks very much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you very much. Um… Oh, thank you. Uh, I should… I should just say, um, not a lot of science. Um, but then, if you’ve come here to revise for your thesis, you’re fucked, to be honest. I should have called it ”An Investigation Into the Rational and Non-Rational.” ‘Cause we impose sort of scientific method on a few… We busted a few myths, remember? Fat birds losing weight and looking attra… Remember that one? We did that. And we looked at a few things you may or may not believe in – religion, or racism, homophobia, two things I’ve never been a part of, because they’re born of ignorance and fear. And it’s fear that I think threatens rational thought more than anything. I’ve always considered myself a sort of liberal, rational sort of bloke, and then, after 9/11, the world went a bit crazy. Understandably – the rules suddenly changed and there was a lot of anger and fear, and finger-pointing and hysteria, and I still tried to remain rational in it all. I’d be in the pub with friends and I’d be going, ”No, you can’t say that. That’s a generalisation. ”Oh, you just read that. No, you don’t… ”That’s not true, that’s a received wisdom, that’s not a… ”No, you can’t tar everyone with the same brush. ”No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 16 million-to-1 .” Trying to remain rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying, it’s more like, ”Check him again, can we? ”What the fuck? ”What, he’s getting on? He’s getting on my… ”Can I check him? Can I fucking check him?” But that’s… That’s fear. I’ve always been a nervous flyer, actually. And I flew before, soon before and straight after 9/11 . Always in and out of, like, New York and LA. And I try to remain, again, rational. I was thinking, ”No, it’s even safer now. ”It’s even safer now. It’s harder to…” And then I found out that a suicide bomber doesn’t have to get on the plane now. They don’t even have to commit suicide. Now they can… They’ve got heat-seeking missiles. They can take the plane out in the first 10 minutes of takeoff. So now I’d be on the plane like that. ”Right, we’re out of range. Now who’s got the bomb?” All right? I flew a couple of weeks after 9/11. And it was an internal flight from New York to LA. And we get off, I go, ”Right, we’re out of range. Okay.” And I was still a bit nervous, and I said to the air hostess, I said, ”Have you got any magazines?” And she went, quite loud and blase, she went, ”No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. ”We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks ”because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9/11.” One, don’t mention 9/11. Surely a new rulebook went round. ”Don’t mention 9/11 when you hand out the chocolates.” Just, you know… Two, don’t say ”severe cutbacks”. ‘Cause I don’t think of magazines any more. When you say ”severe cutbacks”, I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week, going, ”Do we really need all these rivets?” So… What terrible bedside manner that is. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. You wouldn’t have it any other way. I… I sort of do it for you, really. And… Some of those flights cost 10 grand. And for 10 grand, in a disaster, I expect my bit of the plane, at the front, to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking losers. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. Just be… I’ll probably be the only one mentioned on the news. Um… You’d be ”450 others”. So that’s… That’s something, I suppose, isn’t it? No. So, I’m flying all the time, right? And then it happened, okay? I was flying back from New York, 9l25, BA, first-class, to London, JFK. The whole week in America, leading up to that flight, on every channel on TV, there was a rolling tickertape that said, ”America on red alert.” Okay? And every bulletin said, ”We have an intel that there’s going to be another 9/11, ”this weekend, in New York or LA. ”Do not fly, unless you absolutely have to.” I had to. I was filming. ”And if you fly, be extra vigilant.” Okay, so I’m there, I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, right? And I’m still trying to remain philosophical about it. I’m thinking, ”Right, today’s the day ”you definitely don’t try and get a bomb on the plane.” Do you know what I mean? You think, ”No, everyone’s…” Wait till Monday, right? And I’m there, and about 15 minutes before boarding, into the first-class lounge comes this guy, I don’t know whether he was North African or Middle Eastern, but he had all the gear. And… Beard, everything. Steel attache case, okay? Here’s your middle-class, rational liberal. I go… I’m suddenly just engaging staff in inane conversation. I’m going, ”Flight on time?” They’re going, ”Yeah.” I’m going, ”What’s the weather like in England?” And they’re going, ”Oh, it’s…” Like they’re going to go, ”It’s a bit cloudy. ”There he is!” Right? It didn’t… Didn’t happen, right? So now I’m stewing on this, all the things for the week leading up to it, ”There’s gonna be a 9/11, it’s gonna be here, it’s gonna be today, it’s gonna be New York.” Oh, my God, right? But now I’m in two minds. There’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational, okay? So this one goes, ”Oh, that’s a suicide bomber.” ”Oh, don’t be stupid. What do you know?” ”That’s what they look like.” ”Why do you say that?” ”There’s a picture of him on every page of the Daily Mail. ”There’s… It’s him.” ”Don’t be stupid. It’s a cliche. Don’t be stupid.” Then he makes a phone call. I can’t understand what he’s saying, but he sounds a bit angry, right? This one goes, ”Oh, he made a phone call.” This one goes, ”You just made a phone call.” ”Yeah, but not in foreign.” ”Just shut up. Shut up. Stupid.” ”Oh, I still don’t…” ”Why do you think that?” ”Look at the beard.” ”He’s been checked. He’s been checked, the same as us.” ”Do they check the beard?” ”Yeah, they check the beard. They check the beard, okay?” And then I’m sort of… This is going on in my head, and I’m sort of looking at him, absent-mindedly, sort of staring at him. And he catches me looking, and he goes like this… This one goes, ”Oh, he knows!” This one goes, ”No, he knows why you’re looking at him. ”He’s had that sort of prejudice, that shit, for fucking months. ”Stop looking at him. Shut the fuck up.” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating the rational, okay? It’s going, ”Well, they said it’d be today.” ”Yeah, I know, but what… But the statistics.” ”Well, they’re up today, aren’t they? They’re up. ”Yeah, but what…” ”Don’t give it ‘It won’t happen to us.’ They said that on 9/11 .” ”Yeah, but what about all the checks?” ”Well, they find new ways of getting past our detectors ”and then we have to up our game, and that’s… ”Yeah, you’re right.” So suddenly now we’ve won there, and I think, ”Oh, my God, this is it.” And you know that wave of nausea, when you suddenly go, ”Oh, my God. ”This is it. I’m one of the people that witnessed… There’s a…” And I think, ”Okay, yeah, let’s report him.” This one goes, ”No, we can’t.” ”Why?” ”In case someone thinks we’re racist.” ”What? What the… No! Let’s report him and be a wrong, live racist. ”Let’s… Let’s… ”Let…” And so I’m there, and I think, ”He is a suicide bomber, ”I’m going to get on the plane with him and I’m going to die.” And I have a little breakdown, and I’m nearly crying. And all this happens in a few moments, and I look over, and he’s joined by his wife, who’s got all the gear, and his… And his two little girls, right? And I go, ”Oh! ”Of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. ”If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” So… And I got on the plane, and I was sort of relieved and embarrassed, and I saw the funny side of it, and… And of course he wasn’t a terrorist, he was a businessman and a family man, he was playing with his little girls, they kept running up and down, bumping into my chair, he wasn’t doing anything, um, and he was sort of like scaring them and they were screaming at the top of their voice, like… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, right? But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so worried about terrorist attack, that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just ’cause I was so rich. No, I’m… No, no, ’cause my… Again, my rationale was, ”I’m the only person on this plane, ”and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so… So we’re fine, okay?” And I was taking a helicopter once, from Manhattan to the Hamptons for a screening. And I’m waiting for the helicopter… Rewind, two days before that, I’m in my apartment in New York, okay? Just eating my Cheerios, there’s a carton of milk there. And in America they put missing persons on the milk cartons. I’ve seen a thousand of them. But this one, it was for a child, which is always, you know, sadder. It’s sad when anyone goes missing, but… Because of her age, presumably it was an abduction as well, and… And there was also a plea from the mother, and it was the language she used, it was… It was sad. She just said where the girl went missing and the name of the girl, which I won’t say, but I remember it, um, and she just said, ”Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, ”always happy. Please help me.” Two days later, I’m in the Lower East Side, waiting for this helicopter, a little helipad, it’s just a little sort of like station there, and it’s like a wharf development, and I’m sort of looking down onto a building, a derelict building. And I look down, and someone had put a brown blanket up, as a curtain, on one of the windows, sort of gaffer-taped it up, and it had fallen away. And I’m sort of looking, and I look in, and it’s an empty room – this is true – except a mattress, and a little girl sat on the mattress with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… I thought, ”Five years old, five years old, blonde hair, blonde hair, ”blue eyes, blue eyes, always happy… ”Crying her eyes out.” It couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Deray Davis: How To Act Black (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deray-davis-how-to-act-black-transcript/

[male announcer] ATL, get ready for the man of the hour! A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL He’s sold out tours, you’ve seen him on TV and in movies representing Chicago, soon to be one of the legends of laughter the hood hero, DeRay Davis! [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ Have some sex tonight Have some sex tonight ♪ ♪ For no reason Have some sex tonight. ♪ Have– All right. Okay, thanks. What’s up, ATL? What’s up? – [cheering] -Yeah. Y’all showed up. That’s cool as hell. Y’all showed up! My cousin was, like, “Ain’t nobody going to come.” I was, “Yes they are, I’m going to wear nice clothes. They’re gonna show up.” -Y’all look good, man. [audience member] You look good! No I don’t. I ain’t cut shit. I don’t look good. I didn’t do much shaving. I wanted to look authentic. Everybody’s getting… Men are getting lace fronts, now. [laughter] Dudes with waves. Like, “Baby, come paste my wig on.” [as a female] “I’m trying to do mine.” [deep voice] “Do mine first.” Like, couples coming home from the club, both pulling their wigs off. I want to look like this. I like looking different, man. Because everybody’s doing their specials, looking shaved, their hairline painted, and, uh… [chuckles] “You melting, my n i g g a. You melting right here.” Plus, this confuses the chicks. They don’t know what they be getting. Because I look filthy, but I’m fresh. You know what I’m saying? They don’t know if we’re going to the club or camping. [as a female] “I don’t know, girl. I’ll wear my Timberland boots and my backpack. DeRay is crazy!” It’s amazing that I do this, and people look at me different. When other actors like Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt grow their hair, “Oh, good. They must be between movies.” I grow my shit out, “He must be between homes.” [audience laughs] A bum walked up to me. He said, “Damn, it can happen to anybody.” I said, “Hey, man!” “I thought you were doing good.” “I am doing good.” “You need some help?” “No, I don’t need no goddamn help.” People say I should look good. They say, “You’re famous, always look fresh!” I don’t know if I’m famous. I don’t know if I want to be famous. Being a celebrity bothers me, because I still want to steal. [audience laughs] You too? You people still want to steal? What is it about stealing that’s so fun? Ain’t it? Stealing shit is just fun. I was in a store in Beverly Hills, it didn’t have a sensor on it. I was like… [groans] I ought to stuff this in my drawers, right? Oh, God. I see what you’re doing, Lord. Ah. You’re trying to make me snatch my own blessings away. I try to shake it, but I still have this criminal mentality. I was at a grocery store in Chicago. And this dud went in and left his car running. I was like, “This n i g g a, here?” [audience laughing] “I see what you’re doing, God. I ain’t gonna get him” Nobody else feel that way? When you’re at the grocery, behind the old lady? She’s buying one item, but she pulls out all them hundreds? You’re like… [groans] Right there! Real criminals look at that like it’s a blessing. “Thank you, Lord, for putting this old lady in front of me. I didn’t know how I was gonna pay my next bill, but you put her here for me, Lord. I’m not gonna hurt her. Lay her down easy. I’m gonna trip that cane and lay her down comfortably. She gonna see another day, I hope. I’m bringing her and her family closer. They let her go here by herself. Who let their Grand-mama go to the grocery store alone? They shouldn’t have had her done it. Thank you for the blessings. Amen. But I don’t know if I’m famous. I forget I’m famous, sometimes. Dudes pull up next to me, like… “What’s up, dude?” “You’re our boy.” “Oh, yeah, thanks.” So, I be known, man. My friends tell me to act more famous. All my friends got money. They’re super-famous. All the comedians. Dave Chapelle, great comic. Been around Chris Brown. Kevin Hart was my roommate before. Yes. Every morning, he’d wake up. I’m like, “N i g g a, go make that breakfast.” And get these little Air Force Ones out of here. Who’s shoes this little? He used to hate that joke. “Get these little shoes out of here.” One time he got in the car, I had his shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror. Baby shoes. “Kevin, look at your shoes.” [as Kevin Hart] “Get them down, get them down!” [chuckles] I don’t know, man. I’m trying to figure out my famous. Who am I? I know I’ve been in shit. People ask, “What you gonna be in next?” “Motherfucker, this” [audience laughs] I don’t know what’s next. Stop asking actors what’s next. I don’t know. I know I’ve been in shit, because I googled me. [audience laughs] Go to hell, Google. I googled me, and it said I was 48. Who the fuck changed my age? The worst thing you can do to someone in Hollywood is make them older. I didn’t know it happened until I went to an audition and Morgan Freeman was there. [audience laughs] “We’re here for the same part.” “N i g g a!” Don’t make me an uncle when I’m still a cousin. But I’ve been in some shit. I’ve traveled, I’ve done things. I was in Africa. I got booked in Africa. Nigeria. They payed me so much money, I thought they purchased me. [audience laughs] I told my baby, “Daddy might not be back.” They gave me racks, motherfucker. I just imagine me being in some cage. [African accent] “Come look at my new DeRay. There is my lion, my zebra, and there is my DeRay. DeRay, tell a joke. Tell a joke. He is mad, we have not fed him today. Tell a joke.” But I’ve done shit. I’m happy about the little movies I did. I’m happy. A lot of movies. I did 30 fucking movies. [cheers, applause] I was only in those bitches about three minutes, but I’ve been in them bitches. Collectively, it’s a whole film. Fuck all y’all, how about that shit? Right now. I was in The Fog. I was in a horror movie. How about that? Not only that. I’m black history. I was a black dude in a horror movie, and I survived, Mama. -[cheers, applause] -Now what? And I was on a boat! N i g g a s don’t get on boats! N i g g a s get on cruise ships and yachts for a video, front the hell off. But n i g g a s don’t get on boats. The only time n i g g a s get on boats is like this: “Man, I’m broke as hell.” “N i g g a, I’m in the same boat!” That’s the only time. N i g g a s get in boats. I’m black history. But I want to be in more shit. People say “Why you ain’t in more shit? You should be.” I know! I audition for stuff. Go to auditions I know I should get. I read the breakdown. “Chicago Hood N i g g a”. I’m like, “I’m going in for this shit.” Ain’t it crazy? I gotta audition to be a “Chicago Hood N i g g a” when I’m a Chicago hood n i g g a? Just give me the part. I’ll just bring in the people I murdered. Here they go! So, I go in and audition for white people to play the “hood n i g g a”. Did you hear what I just said? I auditioned for white people to be– “All right, do the lines.” “All right, I got this shit all day. Hold up, hold up.” “Lay on the ground bitch! It ain’t a game!” [nasally] Hmm. Uh… “I wasn’t scared. Were you scared? I wasn’t afraid.” Could you do it again? More angry, more hood. Just get in it! [growls] Get me! I want to feel like I’m going to die. [play screams] I’m just a regular white guy. I’m gonna die! Show me!” I heard him whispering. [whispers] I said, “What the fuck?” They whisper… [whispers] I said, “What did you say?” “We don’t want to say it to you. [stammering] You– you people get upset.” “Did you say ‘You people’?” “No, first I said ‘You,’ then I thought, ‘the people,’ ‘People get upset’.” “Well, what did you say?” “Okay, we were wondering, can you… act blacker?” “Act blacker? What the fuck?” “Yeah. blacker. Like, ‘Hey man, what the fuck?'” [audience laughs] I’m, like, “You all don’t even know what acting black is!” Are you kidding me? We know what acting black is. You’ve never experienced somebody acting black. You know what acting black is? It’s stealing something from someone’s house. You know you stole it, but you act like you ain’t got it. While you’re still in their house. “Why are you touching me? What’s up?” [audience laughs] You gotta let them pat you down, too. “Go on, touch me! You think I got it?” Acting black is being broke, but acting like you’re rich. “Shut your broke ass up!” “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” You gotta walk backwards when you say it. “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” “You don’t know what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” “Why you keep going backwards?” “You keep coming forwards. You want what I’m sitting on, n i g g a!” Start walking backwards. Acting black… Acting black is having it and acting like you don’t got it. “I see you out here, doing it big in these streets.” “Player, I’m doing a little something, you know what I mean? [audience laughing] I ain’t out here, trying–” “I see your diamonds. “I ain’t trying to…” N i g g a, are you wearing four pairs of Jordans?” “I keep changing while I got them on. I keep changing while I’m walking.” “Is that four pairs of Jordans?” “I keep switching them Jordans while I got them on.” “This n i g g a crazy.” That’s acting black. Acting black is your mama having different boyfriends… [chuckling] …and you act like you only met one of them. [audience laughing] “How many other n i g g a s been over here?” [as a child] “Just you.” That’s acting black. That’s how you act black. Acting black is coming home knowing your woman’s mad, so you act like you’re mad, too. So you ain’t gotta argue with that ass. You know she’s pissed off. [as a female] “This motherfucker thinks this is a game. He thinks it’s a goddamned game. I know who he… Ah, oh, ooh.” So, you gotta come into the house mad. “What the fuck!” Be creative, slam the door. Bow! Push the baby down. [imitates baby cry] [audience laughs] Look away, don’t give her any eye contact. [as a female] “Fuck that shit. Where the fuck you been?” “Where have I been? What? Those motherfuckers think they can kill me?” [as a female] “Who tried to kill you? Who tried to kill you? I had a feeling! I had a feeling! I had a feeling!” Bitches always got a feeling. “I had a feeling!” “Get away from the window, they’ll kill you, too!” [as a female] “I knew it!” “I don’t know who them n i g g a s was! All I know is I’m going out every night this week until I catch them!” The black woman’s like, “Shit. N i g g a better come in here shot, talking that bullshit. I ain’t no dumb-ass, stupid-ass whore.” Black women don’t believe shit. Even if you come into the house shot, black women will still start shit. [as a female] “That shit looks self-inflicted.” This motherfucker shot himself, because he don’t want to argue with a real bitch tonight.” That dancey-dance bullshit. So, I know how to goddamn act. I’m sick of explaining shit. Talking about my acting. I’ve been in some real shit. I’m tired of people asking me about it. I don’t know the answers you all want. “Why did they kill you in Empire?” “Motherfucker, I don’t know!” “We like Empire. That’s a good show. Why’d they kill you? Are they gonna bring you back?” “Yes.” “Are they?” “I don’t know.” If I knew I was gonna die that day, would I have shown up to work? I knew something was gonna happen because I went to the table-read, and in Hollywood, that’s where everybody gets a script, and I had no script. [audience laughing] “Yo, Taraji, you got a script?” [as a female] “Yeah, boo.” “Yo, drip-drippety-drop, n i g g a. You got a script?” “Yeah, I got a script.” [moaning] I liked the role because it showed a different side of what I can do. I like stepping out of the comedy to show I got that dramatic side. So, I was upset when I died on the show. I was upset. As I was leaving, Terrence Howard tried to talk to me. I was like, “I don’t want to talk to this n i g g a.” He’s one of the greatest actors on Earth. His advice would probably be great. But, “No, not right now, n i g g a. I just died.” [as Terrence Howard] “DeRay, what you want to do? Let me explain what you should do. Because if I was in the same situation you were in, what I would do–” “N i g g a, you really talk like that?” “Yeah, I don’t know.” “Are you about to cry?” “I’m about to don’t know what. [muttering] “Can you breathe?” “I don’t know. You keep asking questions and interrupting.” “Stop doing that.” “Somebody put my voice on vibrate a long time ago. They never took my voice off vibrate. Sometimes I fade out.” “What? [quietly muttering] What? What?” [as Howard] “Sometimes…” “What?” [as Howard] “Exactly.” “Stop.” [as Howard] “Sometimes people put it on.” “N i g g a, just text me.” Then he sent me a text, it was like… [muttering incoherently] [chuckling] This n i g g a’s emojis were shaking. I was like… [groans] [as Howard] “Don’t think I’m playing with you, I’m tried to tell the motherfucker not to do this shit.” “Did your voice just fade out, n i g g a?” What if you want to say something important? “Don’t go down there, they gonna kill you.” “What are they gonna do? [mutters softly] They’re gonna kill me?” “That’s it.” “N i g g a!” But I was excited. Because you get excited about anything you feel God blessed you with. So, I was happy to be on the show. Plus, I didn’t audition. John Singleton called me, and put me on the show. Singleton said, “I know you can act. I want you to play Cookie’s crazy cousin. I said, “I got that.” And we were filming in Chicago! I got to go home. I was doing a tour, I landed late, I didn’t know where we were shooting until I saw it. And I said, “John, we might not want to shoot around here.” He was, like, “Why?” I said, “Because they be shooting around here.” He said, “No, I’m John Singleton. Listen to me. Writer-producer-director, Baby Boy. Writer-producer-director, Boyz n the Hood. Writer-producer-director, Poetic Justice. Writer-producer-director. I direct, you act! Go act!” I said, “Shit, all right. I’m just sayin.’ Shit. So, we get ready to do the scene, and they give me the gun. John said, “Make sure it’s full loads.” I said, “What the–?” They want quarter- or half-loads. I’m educating the people. When you do a TV show… they want a half- or quarter-load because you shoot in residential areas. And, in post, they put in the sound, “Pop, pop!” But John said, “I want authenticity. I want that shit to let off. Give him the full load. Sounds like a real gun.” I said, “Let’s get it!” I take the gun. He said, “Action!” Pull up to the light, let the dude have it. [imitates gun] He said, “Cut! Beautiful! Then you heard, “Pop… pop, pop…” [chuckles] John said, “Cut.” I said, “N i g g a, that ain’t us.” [audience laughing, clapping] They said, “Pack it up. Let’s get out of here. One take is fine.” I said, “You said ‘authenticity'” “DeRay, get your ass in the car. We ain’t got insurance for this shit. We ain’t about to battle this shit with blanks, n i g g a.” Which is terrible, and I should be embarrassed. Because my city… Chicago is not Chi-Raq. It is not built on murders. Chicago is a fly-ass city, with fly dudes who produce motherfuckers like this. And shit like that. Beautiful women. Pimping at an all-time high. Yes, um… Organized crime, if there was crime. The first gangs in the world, but organized as gangs against people who were trying to fuck up the communities, originally. Be we’re not just known for guns. That’s why it bothers me when President Dude says shit about us. Yes, “President Dude.” I will not say his name and give him power. “President Dude.” Not on this… Not on DeRay’s platform. He said, “I’m gonna send the feds to Chicago and get all the guns.” N i g g a, show me. You gonna get all the guns? N i g g a! It’s a two-gun minimum to live in Chicago. Chicago’s so bad, the First 48 ain’t never been there. All them murders, all them episodes, not one in Chicago. They drive right through that bitch. “Everyone’s dead, everyone did it. Let’s go. In Detroit, they drive right through that bitch.” It’s fucked up. I try not to watch First 48, because it’s black-on-black crime. You’re like, “It’s us again.” But I can’t turn it off. Because I turn it on and there’s a n i g g a in the interrogation room doing a horrible job at trying to live. They love acting it out. They’re in the room, “Why you got me down here?” They re-enact their own shit. “I was in the car, asleep, right? I woke up.” “What happened, Tay-Tay?” “I’m in the car, asleep. I woke up. I look around, I don’t know where we’re at.” “So, did you know Charles?” “Charles… Charles, Charles, Chuck, C-Dawg, Chuck?” “Yeah, that Charles.” “Yeah, I know him. Like, kind of, not really know him.” “So, do you know him?” “I know, I know him. My mama knew his mama, and their mamas knew each other’s mamas. Then, we know each other.” “Charles is dead.” “Don’t say that, man!” “Don’t say that, man! Who shot him?” -“We didn’t say he was shot.” -“Wait a minute. Hold up! Are you trying to put this on me? Don’t put his on me!” “So, you don’t know what happened?” “No, I told you! I’m like this, right? Then I go like this. Then I’m, like, “We’re at Charles’s house.” “I thought you just said you didn’t know where you were.” “I didn’t until you said Charles was dead. I was, like, ‘Must be Charles’s house!'” But, ultimately, you can’t get all the guns in Chicago. It doesn’t work like that. We are a violent city. I admit to it. When I was little, we played violent games. We didn’t play “Duck, Duck, Goose.” We played “Duck, N i g g a, Duck!” “They’re shooting, n i g g a! Duck!” We didn’t play catch and kiss a girl, hide-and-seek. We played a game called “Stole On.” That was our shit. “Stole On.” You walk behind your boy, and he isn’t paying attention… Pssht, “Stole on!” And he has to repeat it after you hit him. “Stole on. Got stole on.” “Shit.” The game had no meaning, but it was fun. Pshht, “Stole on, n i g g a! Stole on!” That n i g g a got stole on. Shit.” I had a cousin. I think he was gay. We were playing Stole On, he made a weird sound and fucked us all up. Like, pshht! “Stole on, n i g g a! Stole on!” He was, like, [moans] “Stole on.” “Oh, shit.” My boy said, “What kind of sound is that?” I said, “I don’t know.” “Uh-uh, that’s your cousin.” “He’s just here for the summer.” “Stole on! Stole on!” [moans] “Stole on!” I said, “Carl, stop making that sound! We both won’t be allowed to play!” “Don’t be mad because I’m winning.” “Stop! You can’t win this game!” “You can’t if you’re not a winner.” “Stop it!” We played guns. Before we had guns, we played imaginary guns. “Pop-pop, n i g g a.” Whenever you played “Cops and Robbers,” nobody ever wanted to be the police. “You’re all the police.” “Fuck that! You’re all the police!” Fuck it, then. We’re playing “Robbers and Robbers.” When you play imaginary guns in the hood, nobody ever wants to get shot. You be right up on a n i g g a. “Bah!” “You missed.” “N i g g a! I just blew your brains out! Didn’t I blow his brains out? There’s always a kid, “He did blow your brains out, dawg.” Kids make up bullshit. “Okay, you blew my brains out. I went to the hospital and got my brains fixed. I’m back.” “You can’t get your brains fixed! I hate killing you!” Everybody’s playing imaginary guns. Pop, pop, pop…pop. My boy walks up with an imaginary shotgun. Ch-ch, boom! N i g g a’s like, “Oh Shit! Where you get that?” [audience laughs] He was like, “My daddy got it for me.” We was like, “Damn! We’re really imagining. He got a daddy now, y’all!” [audience roars] Then everyone starts saying, “I want a daddy, too!” “I got a strong daddy!” “No no, I got a tall daddy!” One of my boys says, “My daddy got a job!” I was like, “N i g g a… You’re fucking the game up. Next, you’re gonna say he’s coming to pick you up.” [audience laughs] Everybody’s playing imaginary guns. Pop pop, pop, pop. Ch-ch, boom! He comes crawling around the corner. “What y’all playing?” My boy says, “We’re not fucking with Carl.” He’s gonna do that [moans] “Stole On” shit. I said, “Carl, we can’t play with you.” “Why can’t I play?” “We’re playing ‘Guns and Gangsters’ now. Pop, pop! You want to do that ‘Stole On’ shit. We ain’t doing that any more!” “I can play Guns and Gangsters”. “No! Pop, pop! Shit is real out here, Carl.” “I’m gonna go tell.” “Fuck! Goddammit, Carl. Fuck! [audience laughs] All right, you can play, but it’s ‘Guns and Gangsters’, you understand? ‘Pop, pop!’ only, motherfucka. Pew. No ricochet, no shit like that. He said, “Don’t worry about my weapon,” and disappeared. “What the fuck?” I was, like, “Where the hell is Carl at?” Two hours pass. We’re out there, playing forever. We’re running out of bullets. [chuckles] [audience laughing] Okay, it was starting to get dark. We had to go home. I can’t go home without that n i g g a. I’m like, “Where the hell is Carl at?” Carl comes around the corner with an imaginary bow-and-arrow. “Stole on, stole on, stole on.” My boy said, “I think it went through my leg!” I said, “Don’t entertain this n i g g a!” He was killing us with the best gay weapons ever. “Move out the way! Grenade! Mm, and boom.” Everybody laid on the ground. I said, “I might was well lay down.” I’m gonna lay down. This n i g g a won. He really won. “Stole on!” Then the President Dude said, “You know what? I’m gonna change the gun laws. So strict, they’re gonna wish I didn’t.” That’s a white threat. “We’ll change the gun laws.” Gun laws? Do you think… That shit is hilarious. Do you think street n i g g a s give a shit about gun laws? Do you think two n i g g a s meet in an alley, “Hey, n i g g a! What’s the gun law this week?” Black people don’t care about laws. Black people don’t care about laws. We weren’t there when they made them. Black people don’t know about the Constitution. You don’t. We pretend we do. We know, “We the people”. We know freedom of speech, but n i g g a s don’t know the Constitution. The Constitution ain’t barbershop talk. You won’t hear two n i g g a s arguing, “I bet it does say that. I got the scroll in my pocket!” Cut the scroll in my hair, show this n i g g a what it’s about. We don’t know laws. Black people don’t find out about laws until we break them. If you don’t believe me, go to any criminal court and sit there all day. And watch how confused n i g g a s look at their charges. “What’s all this shit? Yes, I had the gun. What’s the other shit around it?” N i g g a s look at charges like they fucked up a food order. “I had the gun, what’s all the other shit? No relish, no tomatoes, no onion, no fleeing. None of that shit is me, okay? I’ll take the gun. I will take that.” No, black people don’t respect laws. Black people respect signs. They respect the fuck out of a sign. I don’t know what it is about a sign that gets our attention. “N i g g a, move! You don’t see the sign that says not to stand there?” If you put a sign up that says “Don’t kill n i g g a s,” n i g g a s won’t kill n i g g a s. [groaning] “I was about to murder a n i g g a. Who put that sign up? [groaning] How long that sign been there?” “I don’t know.” [grunting] A n i g g a will read a parking sign for 30 minutes before he parks. “Before 12:00, after 8:00, between the hours of 6:00 and 2:00. This shit looks like homework. Uh…” You talk to people you don’t even know. “Could you all come here for a second? When you look at this sign, what do you see?” You look at a sign like it’s fine art. “What do you see, looking at this sign? Klaus, what do you see?” “Everybody, gather around and look at the sign. Man, it’s like an eclipse. Look at the sign, everybody enjoy it.” The sign’s like Family Feud. Everybody gets in the corner. Everybody’s huddled up. “What you all think? What? Okay. Hey, Steve, we’ll take “Don’t Park” for $400. Yeah. You want to respect that shit. But the gun laws don’t affect us. Gun laws are about other shit. If you want to change the gun laws, change the laws for the motherfuckers that’s fucking people up with guns. I mean, fucking people up. Mass murderers, terrorist-type shit. Look at a crazy motherfucker, and know that he’s crazy. We can’t do that. We don’t want to be profiled. Black people hate being profiled. We’re profile, and we don’t want to be profiled. We think everything’s because we’re black. “You’re pulling me over because I’m black.” “It’s nothing to do with the gun and cocaine on your seat?” “Ah.” “With the baby dancing in the back, dancing on the seat?” “My daddy got cocaine and a gun on his seat!” Or racism. Everything’s racism or ISIS. No, no. Motherfuckers are just crazy. I don’t give a damn about racism. It doesn’t affect me, personally. People keep saying “Racism’s back,” like racism left. Like racism was a person at home. “Wait a minute. They’re getting along?” [audience laughing] “Racism, when did you come back?” “Just know I’m back. Shit’s about to change again!” No. We’ve been racist. Everybody’s racist. Some of you black people are racist. Quit playing. Some of you n i g g a s got old-ass, 80- to 90-year-old grandparents who are racist as fuck. [deep voice] “Get this white bitch out of my house.” “Granddaddy, don’t act like that. You know that’s my wife.” [deep voice] “You get that white bitch out of here! You know I’m playing the lottery this week! Get her out of here! She’s fucking up my luck. Get the bitch out of here right now!” “The grand-kids miss you.” “Get them mixed motherfuckers out of here! Get them beebies out of here!” “Beebies?” “Babies! Get them out this bitch! Little babies motherfucker!” “They miss you.” “They miss me being a slave, n i g g a! That’s what they miss.” We gonna march here, right now, if I play these numbers. So, I don’t want to hear about racism. There’s a decision to make. There’s jobs black people still don’t trust black people with. Obama had the best job in the world, who wouldn’t think it even exists. And still, there’s jobs n i g g a s don’t trust n i g g a s with. Ain’t that crazy? Obama. Cool-ass job. Walked in there, super-swaggy. Loves hip-hop, fade was dope as hell. On the way in, fly. On the way out, fly. He was freeing motherfuckers. Walked into jail, “Free goes your man.” “N i g g a!” [audience laughs] He let Gucci Mane go. And still black people don’t trust black people with certain jobs. You walk into a tax office, and a n i g g a’s working there. [groaning] “I’m gonna go to the car, man. Do the math or something. I’ll be back.” Pull up to the club, there’s a black valet driver. [groans] “I’m gonna park it myself, Leroy.” “Leroy? My name ain’t no goddamn Leroy.” “You look like a Leroy.” Black people don’t trust black people that look like a black person they didn’t trust. Want me to say it again slow for y’all? Did you all get it? N i g g a s don’t trust a n i g g a that looks like a n i g g a they didn’t trust. You look like my cousin. That n i g g a be robbing and stealing. This ain’t your face. Nothing against you. Nope. But we need to profile the shit that’s fucked up. I like to call it the “shit-uations”. We need to profile the mothefuckers that really separate shit. These murdering motherfuckers. All we got to do is remember what we’re here for. I get it. “Black Lives Matter.” I’m here. I get it, 2,000 percent. All lives matter, I hear you. Nobody wants to die. But, goddammit, awareness matters. Go back to being aware. We’re not aware no more. -[applause] -We’re not looking for the crazy! When you were little, you looked for the crazy. “There goes that crazy motherfucker.” The n i g g a at the park with a bike and no wheels on it. On the see-saw by himself. “How’s he doing that?” -“I’m everyone’s parent.” -“No!” Call the motherfucker crazy. Somebody looks out of place, approach them. You could stop a terrorist act. “You look weird. What are you doing? You’re at a pool party with a fur coat on. N i g g a, leave. You awkward. Tell me one time you’ve seen a crazy thing happen that you didn’t look at the picture and say “Who let that crazy person in?” Come on, man. Shot up the movie theater? The movie theater where you’re chilling? I was pissed. Where was the awareness? Who the fuck sold him a ticket? He looked weird as fuck! And he was dressed like Batman, going to see Return of the Jedi. I wouldn’t have given him a ticket. “Go home. Even if you shot me, you still ain’t getting in.” No! But that’s not what we’re doing. Everybody’s just Snapchatting. Everybody cares about themselves. “Look, he’s gonna shoot me! Oh, shit! N i g g a, I just got shot! Twice! Oh, shit! Now put the dog filter on me! [barking] Dead dog, dead dog. N i g g a, tell me how many likes I die with.” No, look for the crazy motherfucker. Miami. Dude at the airport lands, gets his bag, unzips it, and shoots people in the airport, while they’re getting their bags. That is some shit n i g g a s prepare for. Nobody here is out of line. N i g g a, if I was in that bitch, you’d have been shot. “I wish I were dead.” “No, you don’t. That ain’t your real wish.” You don’t know what you’re gonna do. You hear, “Pow pow!” You’re like, “Shit, this city’s crazy. He right here. Oh, shit!” And he looks crazy. Which means he looked crazy on the plane. Which means somebody sat next to him and didn’t go, “What’s your crazy-looking ass doing in Miami?” Because crazy people talk to you. “I want to kill people.” “Oh, yeah? Thank you. Ding! Miss? [shouting] Miss! [calmly] I’d like some peanuts, some cran-apple… [quietly shouting] That n i g g a crazy!” “What?” [shouting] “That n i g g a crazy! The n i g g a right next to me. That motherfucker right there. Bitch turn the air on, air off. [groans] The fucker’s nuts! Awareness. Help each other. A white boy walks into a church in South Carolina. People worshiping God. Shot up the place. Immediately, “He’s racist! We saw swastikas!” No, no, no. He was fucking nuts. He was crazy. He wasn’t racist. He smoked weed with a n i g g a all that week. You don’t smoke weed with black people if you’re racist. You don’t want black lips on your blunt. He was crazy. Where was the awareness? I know lives were lost. Please forgive me. Anybody that lost someone that day, it’s fucked up. But let’s get the awareness up. A brand-new white dude showed up to a black church, who wasn’t Jesus. And nobody went to the door, “No new members today! You crazy motherfucker. Get the fuck out of here! Did he look crazy? Deacon, Deacon, he looked nuts, right?” I guarantee if I go to a Catholic church tonight and I stand outside like this… “Not today, my son. Get this motherfucker out of here.” Yes, let’s be aware. Awareness is important. Orlando. Dude walked into that club and killed all them beautiful people enjoying themselves. Partying. Now, the problem. If you got a .22, you could sneak that into a club. A .380, maybe I’d have pulled it off. A 9mm, if you and your boy bump when they pat you down, I heard you can get one in. Just mental Atlanta in this bitch. But that ain’t what happened. He had that motherfucking… Who the– [stammers] Didn’t anybody in that parking see that motherfucker? You can’t miss that shit. This move is unmissable. Somebody had to see it. Somebody at home is guilty of not warning those people. People say, “Stop snitching,” but I’m telling. If you don’t know that motherfucker coming, I’m gonna go, “Hey! I know! Ha, ha! Yeah. My eyes are beautiful. I appreciate it. Listen! There’s a crazy motherfucker right now. He’s about to kill everybody. Get the fuck out of here. You’re welcome! I’m out this bitch. Let’s save some lives. I was tripping, because they said it was a gay hate-crime in Orlando. That wasn’t a gay hate-crime. He was mad at himself because he was gay. That’s what happened. Yeah. Y’all ain’t got to think with me, but I think one of the dudes in there fucked him. Yup. Call it how you want to. I think one of the dudes in that club fucked him and then stopped fucking with him. Because gay dudes are harsher than women. “Oh, you thought this was a relationship? [raspberries] No, boo-boo. Be gone, be strong, so long!” “N i g g a! What? What?” That’s crazy. Dick drove him crazy. Listen to those words. “Dick drove him crazy.” Which is nobody’s business because we all evolve as people. Whoever wants to make love or have sex or fuck who they want to fuck, that’s up to you. We all want different things as we grow. Who’s sexing who is none of our business. It’s like you worrying about how much air is in everybody’s tires when you driving. “That shit’s low. That’s all right, there. Is that a Hummer? He needs about 45 pounds per–” It’s none of your fucking business. But I’ll tell you this! Shit like that, that’s one of the main reasons I would never be gay. Shit like that. Yes, dick drove him crazy. And I know what my dick does to women. Yes. So, I’ll be damned if I run into a DeRay-Dick n i g g a. I’ll be outside another man’s house… “James!” James! N i g g a ain’t even got no gum. James! I’m a Pisces, too. James!” Someone’s consoling me. “Just calm down.” “You calm down!” Fuck that. No bet. No “a-dick-tion” for me. I just want everybody to be aware. I even tell my family. I tell my daughters, “Be aware.” My daughter’s an unaware motherfucker. A little, unaware n i g g a. She’s so different from me. I love her, but so different. You want your kids’ lives to be better but you still want them to have the hood in them. Does that make sense? Or am I fucking up? You want your kid to be fun and fun-loving but you want to be like, “Hey, Daddy, who’s that motherfucker over there?” “That ain’t nobody.” “Okay, back to my game!” But I’m, like, “Don’t trust that motherfucker.” [as a girl] “Dad, you don’t even know.” [mutters] You don’t know these kids! Kids are different now! You call a kid “ugly,” “fat,” “stupid,” “tall,” “smart”… “You’re too handsome to be here.” That’s called “bullying.” When I was little, that shit was called “school.” You got roasted for no reason. “Yo fake-ass, Polo shirt, horse-on-one-side, man-on-the-other-ass n i g g a. Them Jordans, sitting-down-on-the-side-of-your-shoe, waiting-to-get-in-the-game-ass n i g g a. Your-daddy-ain’t-been-home in-four-months n i g g a.” N i g g a s roasted you. You ran home, “Mama, what did you tell them n i g g a s?” But you can’t roast kids now. Kids get upset. That kid who got talked about, He was like, “Fuck this.” Went home during lunch, walked five miles home. Went in his mama’s room, got the gun, went back to the school, and shot the kids up. I was baffled. Like, “Damn!… This n i g g a gets to go in his mama’s room?” [audience laughing] Mamas are different now! Not my mama. “You don’t need shit out of this motherfucker! Who the fuck been in my goddamn room? I know you been in here! My carpet’s laid down different! And you’ve been in my quarters. Three are missing! It was a 1976… a 1976…” [chuckling] That bitch knew the years on the quarters. “It was a 1976 quarter. That one had a ship on the back. I got that quarter from your uncle.” “We gotta get the quarters back, n i g g a! Return the cookies! Return the cookies!” I snuck in my mama’s room one time, because I wanted to taste a Pepsi. I had never tasted one. And my white friend said they were delicious. I knew black mamas had all the brand shit in their rooms. She got good shit in there. We’re all drinking and eating that bullshit. “Who baked this shit?” “The store.” Drinking that bullshit-ass soda. Red soda pop, black cherry, cream soda, fucking your stomach up. You don’t even know why you’re sick the next morning. “What’s wrong?” Tastes like Alka Seltzer with food coloring in it. With a splash of honey. My cousin pumped me up. He said, “You deserve to taste Pepsi, too. Ain’t those supposed to be your food stamps, too?” I said, “Sure is.” I ran into my mama’s room, so nervous. I slid under the bed, next to the Pepsis. I couldn’t open the can, I was so nervous. I just bit that bitch. I bit into the goddamn… Blood and aluminum ran down my throat. But it was delicious. To this day, I still crave aluminum now and then. To show myself I made it. But awareness is important. I grew up staying aware, to this day. I was at a club in LA, enjoying myself. The music was great. A mix of old school and new school. I’m outside the club, talking to three beautiful women. “DeRay, we want to go back to your place.” I said, “Shit, I never heard that before.” Yes, I lied. And, um… While we’re talking, two girls across the street start arguing. [as a female] “Fuck you, bitch! You stupid-ass bitch!” “You ain’t doing shit, bitch!. You’re a raggedy-ass bitch!” I said, “That ain’t got nothing to do with me. Let ’em live.” Then their boyfriends start arguing. “You better get your girl! Get your ugly-ass girl, n i g g a!” I said, “That’s got nothing to do with me. Let it live over there.” Then he said two words you don’t want to hear outside a club. [shouting] “All right, watch this!” I said, “Huh?” White people, if you’re watching this right now, know whenever two n i g g a s arguing, and one says “Watch this,” don’t watch. He ain’t trying to teach you a dance. Get the fuck out of there. One of them came around the corner, firing. Fop, fop, fop, fop, fop, fop! I said, “Fuck!” Everybody outside the club dropped to the ground. Like the n i g g a shooting couldn’t aim down. Say what you want about DeRay, “Bitch-ass n i g g a from Chicago, that’s light-skin shit.” Shit, I made a motherfucking people-carpet out of all them motherfuckers. I stepped on legs, thighs, wings, all that shit. Lace fronts, new fronts, new Jordans, old Jordans. I ran across them all. True shit! I ran through the motherfuckers, ran back into the club, went into the bathroom, pulled my pants down, acted like I was shitting. I always thought as a kid, a dude wouldn’t kill a dude who was shitting. “I’m shitting!” “Oh, no disrespect.” He’ll leave because it’s disrespectful. While I was in there on the toilet, like, “Oh, man. Oh, man.” The door opened. I’m like, “Fuck. Fuck!” I see the feet walking in. Real shit. I said, “Fuck.” And the dude was, like, [whispering] “Fuck. Shit.” I opened the door, it was a dude who had got shot. I said, “Hey, what’s up?” He said, “N i g g a, I feel it travelling.” And then he said, “I hate when this happens.” “N i g g a? This ain’t the first time?” He says, “Call my girl. I don’t to go out like this. I want her to know I love her.” I was like, “All right.” “I don’t know what to say.” “Call my girl.” I was like, “Fuck.” I called the number. He’s like “Talk for me.” I said, “Hello?” She said, “Hey, baby.” I said, “No! He’s next to me. He got shot.” “Oh, my God. Where you at?” “We’re at the club.” And the n i g g a said, “Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Mm-mmm!” I said, “What?” [low voice] “We’re at the pool hall!” “What?” “The pool hall, n i g g a!” Like, what? [deep voice] Give me my phone! “Hello, baby! Baby!” [chuckling] Awareness is important. Be aware of everything. Be aware. They say the end of the world is coming. Show me. I don’t think it’s the end. I think we’re right in the middle. Animals think it’s the end. Animals don’t give a shit no more. Crocodiles eating babies at fucking theme parks. The crocodile ate the baby! And the family said, “We just want to grieve. We’re not going to sue.” I was, like, “Shit! I’m suing, n i g g a. When I come back there’s gonna be a DeRay ride in this bitch!” What the fuck? Animals don’t give a fuck no more. You see that gorilla drag that little boy? “Whose little baby is this right here? Whose baby?” [muttering] Scared the fuck out of everybody. “Which one of you bitches left this motherfucker? Ain’t nobody gonna say shit? I’m mopping the goddamn floor with this little n i g g a and nobody’s gonna say something?” And black people were surprised. You’re like, “Look, another little white baby fell at the zoo.” When you see it’s a black baby, it’s like “Oh, shit! He’s black!” And white people say, “See? It can happen. It’s about time! We were wondering.” I was so happy that little n i g g a got dropped. I was! Hey, fuck, say what you want to say, I was happy that little n i g g a got dropped on his bad ass. I heard he told his mama twice that he was getting in the gorilla pit. “I’m about to go with the gorillas.” She said, “You better not!” “Bitch, what are you gonna do when I do it?” Nothing happened to him. I was pissed off. Not a scratch, not a bite, not a broken bone. Nothing happened to him. I was mad as fuck. The parent in me was mad, because no life lesson was learned. Life lessons are important. That little motherfucker is gonna be a problem when he grows up. You ain’t gonna be able to tell him shit! Third grade, 10-years-old, cursing teachers out. “Bitch, I’ve been with the gorillas!” [grunting] “Calm down.” [hooting] “Who are you talking to, bitch? You don’t tell Caesar to calm down, bitch. You don’t tell Caesar to calm down. Better put your hand out, bitch, and get rubbed. Put your hand out. Show a palm, bitch. Hoo, ha! Hoo, ha. Fuck your… [pants] …A-B-Cs, bitch!” I wish the fuck I had fell in that pit. If my mama, my ghetto-ass, broke-ass, barely-fucking-making-it mama she took a day off to take me to the zoo… and I fall in the pit? N i g g a, on accident or on purpose, the minute I land, I turn around, “My n i g g a, you gotta keep me! [audience laughing] I’m your baby, now. Me gorilla, too. She’s crazy. She’ll come down here, whup me, and whup you, too. Drag foot. Hurt. Hurt.” I wish I’d fallen in that pit, and nothing happened to me. I don’t need no medical attention. And I’m embarrassed to let this motherfucking zoo… “Got these white people thinking I’m gonna take care of your monkey ass? No other kid fell, no other kid fell, but you’re all close to the edge and shit! Like you ain’t got no goddamned sense! In those goddamned school clothes I just bought you. I’m fucking you up. Because you think it’s a game. I got your ass.” That whole ride home, you’re nervous as fuck. She’s in the rear-view, looking dead at you. Talking to your auntie. “Yeah, it was that n i g g a all in that pit! Like I’m gonna take care of his monkey-ass! Probably wanted a banana, his greedy ass, like his daddy. I’m gonna show this n i g g a an ‘animal’ when we get home. Watch me! Watch me show you!” You’re at home, waiting on that whooping. [groans] [mock sobs] Knocking over shit in your room that doesn’t matter. Your toys. Ha, ha. Punching the mattress. [grunts] Trying to get your brothers and sisters on your side. [sobbing] “Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen… Do I even like the zoo? Did I want to go to the zoo? Did I want to go? Do I ever want to go to the zoo? I was sleeping. “Do you want to go to the zoo?” I said okay. Okay!” They’re trying not to touch you. “No, please. If you get a whupping, we all get a whupping. She said she’s gonna show you her animal, n i g g a! She ain’t never said that before.” [groans] “Just help me!” “We can’t help you now. You fell in the pit. You almost died, so now you’re getting a whupping.” When you’re thinking your mama is gonna forget about that shit, you hear her coming up the stairs, “Hey, zookeeper!” Awareness. Those were the fun times, though. It’s not fun no more. Those were the times when you didn’t have to be aware of even the police. You didn’t. As a young black kid, you wouldn’t worry about getting killed. You wouldn’t. Shit’s weird now. Now you gotta be aware of them, too. It’s scary, the police shooting people. Making horrible fucking decisions. I’m not saying all police. There’s good police. There’s police that make good decisions. Domestic violence, both of you got a black eye. “Go to bed.” [audience laughing] That’s a good cop. [chuckles] “Looks about even, go to sleep.” Not all police are bad, but the ones that are bad make it look bad for everybody. They do. And I’m scared of the retaliation. There’s been a couple times– We’ve seen it. Innocent people get killed, and innocent police get killed. And we felt bad for them. If you had a heart, you did. Like, “She was just sitting in the car.” Black woman, sitting in a car, gets shot. That’s not cool. I don’t want to get shot at my job because someone else did some shit. N i g g a, I barely want to work. That dude in Dallas was shooting at police so accurately, they shot it was four shooters. Like, your ass whupped by one dude, go home, “Baby, I got jumped!” And I’m not making light of the lives that were lost. I’m not. Because they were some brave-ass police. They heard over the radio that a sniper was shooting just the police. And those motherfuckers stayed the police. Me, on that night– N i g g a, I was… I would have been out there in just my drawers, with a radio. “Kssh. Over. Y’all catch him yet? Over.” “Davis is that you?” “By the gas station, naked. Yes, sir. I suggest everybody get naked.” Because it’s fucked up. This is what I think part of the problem is. They’re hiring police and placing them in the wrong place. This is not your area. That’s why shit it happening. You can’t be a policeman in the hood if you don’t know nothing about the hood. -[applause] -It’s only fair. Do a little research. Know something. You can’t pull me over if you don’t know Migos, n i g g a. “They’re pulling a n i g g a over! What are you pulling me over for, over for, over for? What are you pulling me over for, over for, over for? Step out the car, don’t make a sound, lay on the ground. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” You gotta know some shit like that. You gotta know a little hood. I think if there was a policeman from the hood in these situations, a life would have been saved. I think so. Because a hood cop is not going to choke you to the ground, and when you say you can’t breathe, keeps choking. A hood cop will hear you say you can’t breathe, and say “I got your ass! Remember this, n i g g a. You couldn’t breathe!” A hood cop will walk up while a man’s selling DVDs outside a store. They’re not gonna wrestle him to the ground, and then shoot him. And it goes viral. A hood cop is gonna walk up and say, “Hey, man. The store owner don’t want you here, but what movies do you got? Shit, this ain’t even out, n i g g a! Aliens: Forever? N i g g a! Give me all this shit and get out of here. I’ll get 10 movies tomorrow.” Even if you’re not getting 10 movies, they know how to defuse a situation. Because if you’re not hood, shit looks scary to you! You think a lion walk through the jungle, sees another lion, and be, like… [shrieks] No. No. You’re not from the hood, so shit looks scary. You pull past some dudes fucking around, and he’s like, “What’s up, police? What’s up?” “Shit! Pow! Shit, he looked aggressive. Didn’t he look aggressive?” “He did look aggressive to me. Did he to you?” “He looked aggressive to me.” “Okay, on ‘three’. One, two, three, ‘Aggressive!'” It fucks you up, doesn’t it? They visualize it different. A hood cop sees that different. Walk up, see the same hood dudes, “What’s up, police? What’s up?” “Cool off or I’ll taze your ass right here.” “Hood recognize hood. Don’t taze me, man! I was just bullshitting.” I’m playing. I was gonna give you my mix tape. My n i g g a! We shouldn’t be scared of the police. Shouldn’t be afraid of the police. You know what I do now, when I get pulled over by the police? Call the police. “Hello, there’s a strange man outside my window. He has a gun. Uh… [chuckles] He wants me to step out of the car. What did you say? Don’t step out? Y’all say ‘Don’t step out'” My police shows up, shakes his hand. “Shit, they know each other!” Call some more. “Hello.” “Yes, can you send a Negro cop, please? Thank you.” You ever get pulled over by a black cop that wasn’t a “black” black cop? “What’s up, family?” “I ain’t your family.” “Oh, shit. Hello! Y’all sent the n i g g a from Get Out. Can y’all please send… a regular n i g g a. Yeah, regular. Yeah. Preferably, last name ‘Washington.’ Yes, thanks.” Awareness. You used to be scared of the police because you were scared of the consequences of being pulled over. “I can’t get pulled over now, I got dope in the trunk.” “Can’t get pulled over, I gotta get these kids.” “Can’t get pulled over, the bitch ain’t gonna believe I got pulled over.” I was coming home from the club on a Wednesday. It was late as fuck. My girl like, “Why are you so late?” I was like, “The police pulled me over, but they just gave me a warning.” She was like, “Oh, for real?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “Okay.” I came home Thursday, late again. This time, I really got pulled over. The police said, “I’ll let you go with a warning.” I was like, “N i g g a! I’m gonna need a ticket! This bitch ain’t gonna believe I got two warnings! What do I gotta do to get a ticket?” I hit him in the face. “Stole on, n i g g a! Come on!” You can’t go home to no black woman with two warnings. [as a female] “So, all they did is ‘warn’ you, huh? I see what we’re doing, now. Cool! I’m going out all next week. I’ma get ‘warned’ every night, n i g g a!” It’s a damn shame to be more scared of your woman than the number-one threat to black men in America, the police. You’re more scared of your woman! Isn’t that crazy? You pay all the bills, take care of everything, but you’re scared. You’ll fight eight dudes to defend her honor, but scared to come home late. If you pull up to dark house when you know you’re late, and the light comes on? “This bitch is up.” You know she’s in the house, starting shit up with herself, the way women do. That’s why women get so mad. They start shit with themselves. They’re making themselves mad. [groans] Talking to themselves. “He thinks I’m a stupid-ass bitch.” You ever argue with your woman, she turns and talk to someone who ain’t there? “You think I’m a dumb-ass bitch?” “He thinks I am!” “Who the fuck are you talking to? Who else is here?” I got in an argument with an argument ninja one time, she was so good. She literally dodged my bullshit. I’ve never seen this in my life. “You’re telling me you don’t know that bitch?” I said, “I don’t know her!” She said, “Whoa! You almost hit me with that bullshit. Because I know you know that whore!” “What the fuck? Did you just duck?” You all know you’re crazy, too! Look, they know they’re crazy, they’re laughing. Sitting right next to you. [cackles] And it’s okay? It’s wild that women’s crazy is accepted, but ours isn’t. And we have nobody to help us. Women got their girlfriends to help them. If our boy is acting crazy, we let him know, at least. If your boy is acting crazy, “Hey, man! N i g g a! You’re out of character right now!” “Straight up. I’m clowning?” “You clowning.” “Thank you. Take me home.” “Come on, man.” Women don’t care if a girlfriend’s acting crazy. They don’t give a fuck. Because crazy bitches can’t see other crazy bitches. Its like The Walking Dead. A zombie doesn’t see another zombie. You never see a zombie say, “What’s up, n i g g a?” [groaning] “You’re dead, too?” That’s how crazy women are. You wonder why we keep our phones away from y’all. Fuck y’all. Because we know you’re gonna find something wrong in there. Man don’t even let women plug their phones in anymore. “Baby, I’ll plug in the charger.” “I got it, bitch.” Every man’s got that long-ass charger, now. It’s so long, n i g g a’s at the club is charging his phone from home. “I got this shit.” “I keep my battery on ’99’ because these be on ‘100’.” You think your woman ain’t got your cellphone code, you’re the dumbest man breathing. How do they figure it out? “His birthday divided by his graduation number divided by his license plate. Boop, boop. I got that shit!” We use our fingerprints now! We don’t trust our own codes. We’re willing to give our information to the government rather than your girl getting your shit. And she tries to get that shit! You’re asleep, you feel your hand moving. “Bitch, let go of my hand!” “I wanted to cuddle.” “You didn’t want to cuddle, bitch! You had my index finger extended! I can’t trust you!” “You can trust me!” “Fuck, no! Now I got to sleep with oven mitts on this motherfucker! ” Gotta sleep with boxing gloves on. I can’t trust.” “This n i g g a put boxing gloves on, bitch. What should I do?” I know it’s our fault, though. It’s our fault. We always get to wandering. That technology gets you to wandering. Instagram. “That bitch is bad, goddamn. Goddamn! How many times can I like the same picture?” A n i g g a’s willing to break their finger on a picture. “Goddamn! This picture’s amazing!” Twitter, gotta follow, Snapchat. “This bitch, here! Look at this bitch!” Any new technology, man fucks with it. That waterproof phone came out. “N i g g a!” The waterproof phone? Men were immediately shower-talking other bitches. “Hello, other hoes! I don’t have to leave my phone out there no more! Ha-ha! What am I doing? I’m washing my balls, getting ready for your jaws, bitch! Yes! [cackles] You know how it is! I’m doing what I do for you! Ha-ha!” N i g g a s were macking other bitches underwater. [trilling, gargling] “I’m single!” Crazy black girl is looking for your ass. “Who are you talking to? Who the fuck are you talking to?” “You can’t swim.” “I don’t care!” “You’re going to drown.” “I don’t care!” “You’re gonna fuck up your hair.” “Uh-uh, Team Natural!” I’m DeRay Davis. I appreciate every one of y’all. [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] [audience chanting] DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay! DeRay!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BRAD WILLIAMS: DADDY ISSUES (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brad-williams-daddy-issues-transcript/

♪ bluesy rock music ♪ ♪ energetic pop rock music ♪ – Southern California, are you ready to have a good time tonight? (audience cheering) Get excited, make it loud, for Brad Williams! ♪ hard rock music ♪ (audience cheering) – What’s up!? (audience cheering) What’s goin’ on everybody!? (laughing) There’s no way I can live up to that, but dammit, I’m gonna try! (audience laughing) Are you guys ready to party? Are you guys ready to have a lot of fuckin’ fun tonight? Good! Good! I like havin’ fun, I like to party. I don’t know about you, but when I party, I like to drink. One of the main reasons I like to drink is because I never have to pay for it. Ever. ‘Cause everyone wants to know what happens when a dwarf gets drunk. Right now you’re thinking, “I wonder what happens. “I would really like to know that.” And I know it’s like me and hot chicks, me and hot chicks have that thing in common where we walk into the club and everyone just looks at us and goes, “We’re gettin’ that fucked up tonight.” (audience laughing) It’s true, but I don’t know why! Because nothing happens when I drink, nothing crazy. Like I don’t know if one of your friends told you, like, “No, man, you get a midget drunk, “they explode into gold coins. “It’s ridiculous, like it’s awesome.” Nothing happens! Basically when I drink, it’s the same thing as when a hot chick drinks. I get very emotional, I’ll probably text an ex, and by the end of the night I might blow a dude. (audience laughing) I also say things when I’m drunk that I would absolutely never say sober under any circumstances. Like, not too long ago I was watching a game with my buddy, and the team that I put money on won. I was very excited, so I turned to my friend and I said something to him that I would never say if I was sober. I turn to him, I go, “Yeah! “Chest bump!” (audience laughing) I should never say that shit, I should never. Why did I say that to my friend? He’s six foot two, okay? He’s six foot two. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I have tall friends, okay? It’s not like the midgets get together every Sunday under the tree stump and watch football. So he’s six foot two, but he’s been my friend for 20 years. I’m not his dwarf buddy, I’m not his little person pal, I’m just Brad to him. So I say chest bump, he’s been drinkin’, too, he’s like, “Yeah! “Chest bump!” And then he jumped. Why the fuck did he jump? Why? (chuckling) Why did you do, it was already hard enough, okay? I’m already staring at him like ♪ Climb every mountain ♪ It’s not gonna go well. You took something very difficult and then put something more difficult at the end of it. It’s like putting a math test at the end of a Special Olympics race or something. Okay, if you didn’t laugh at that joke, fuck you. Fuck you. That is a great joke, and I’m allowed to make that joke because I was in the Special Olympics, goddamnit, okay? Yes! Yes! I was! Yes! I ran track in the Special Olympics. Now, if you have never seen a midget run, holy shit, you don’t know what you’re missing out on. It is unbelievable. When a dwarf runs the portal to heaven opens right there. ‘Cause the legs are just going off in different directions like that and it’s just so cute. But, because I was in the Youth Special Olympics, they didn’t have everyone of the same disability. Also, if five dwarves running at the same time, everyone would just die of a joygasm. So… It wasn’t just little people running, it was all these different kids with all these different disabilities like some sort of Make a Wish all star team. And, yeah, in the far lane there was a kid on crutches. Not worried about him. I’m gonna kick his ass, okay? No problem there. Next to him was a kid in a wheelchair. What the, a wheelchair? That’s a performance enhancer. What are you doing? Unless there’s stairs on the track, I’m losing to this guy, okay? Then after that it was me, then after that it was a enhh fucker, okay? What? That’s the politically correct term. That’s what they like to be referred to as. They like to be called enhh guys. Okay? That’s true. And don’t feel sorry for him. Some of you are feeling sorry for him. What, feel sorry for me! I’m the guy that’s gotta run in this event while my dad is up in the stands. I’m looking at him like, “Daddy, are you proud of me?” He’s like, “No, I’m not proud of you! “You’re running next to a enhh fucker. “I’m not proud of you.” And he really wasn’t proud of me when enhh beat me, okay? He beat me. He cheated, thoughgh, he cheate! His mom ran in front of him holding a marshmallow the entire time backwards. (audience laughing) So back to the chest bump. (audience laughing) So my buddy, six foot two, chest bumps me. You wanna know what happens when a six foot two guy gives a four foot guy a chest bump? Four foot guy gets a dick in the face, that’s what happens. And you can’t ignore a dick in the face. You can’t just pause over it. You can’t skip it like a fart during sex. You can power through a fart during sex. You can be there like, “All right, it’s my,” (mimicks farting) “Eye contact, do not inhale!” You know what I mean? But when that happens, when that happens you have to acknowledge it. So me and my friend are just staring at each other, making eye contact. No one knows what to say. And then he finally looks down at me and goes, “My bad, dog.” Fuck you, my bad! That is not a my bad moment. If you knock over my beer, okay, that is a my bad moment. If you drag your cock across my forehead, you owe me a God damn Hallmark card. (audience laughing) This is awesome. This is cool. I like this. I knew, I knew that when I was shooting my next special, I had to come back home to Southern California where I was born and raised, I had to do it here. (audience applauds) But I travel the country, and I’ll be honest with you, one of the reasons that makes Southern California great is also what makes it shitty because we have amazing weather all the time. But that makes us pussies, okay? And we know. We’ve all been there like, “Oh my God, “I am not going outside today. “It is 68 degrees outside. “Are the schools even open?” It’s dumb. But I’m one of you, so yeah, bad weather freaks me out. I was in New York City not too long ago, and they got a blizzard there. They got a foot and a half of snow in one day, okay? One fuckin’ day, okay? And I’m on stage talkin’ about it, like, “There’s a foot and a half of snow outside.” The audience is like, “Yeah, it’s no big deal. “It’s like a foot and a half of snow.” Like, “No, it’s big deal.” “Ahh, it’s just a foot and a half of snow.” “It’s just a foot and a half of snow.” I am four feet fucking tall, all right? That’s a big deal for me! Maybe not for you guys. Maybe you guys walk around in a foot and a half of snow, you trip, you fall, your knee gets wet, you’re like “Oh God, it’s winter time!” If I trip and fall in a foot and a half of snow, I die. You understand how that works? I was scared, I went to one of those sporting good stores and I bought one of those soccer flags. And I just duct taped that shit to my back. (audience laughing) Just walkin’ around New York City like this the entire time. People were lookin’ at me like, “Brad, you look like a loser.” Don’t give a shit, I’m gonna live. (audience laughing) I travel a lot, obviously, for my job. It’s fun, but, uh, sometimes stuff happens, like last week I was on the road and had a long flight. I had the window seat and the person next to me fell asleep, so I couldn’t get up to go to the bathroom the entire time. So when I landed, I really had to go to the bathroom. So I run to the airport bathroom. Now here’s where we come to a little bit about some etiquette that I don’t think a lot of the gentlemen in this audience are aware of, okay? Uh, ladies, you can tune out. This does not concern you. Gentlemen, when you are in a public bathroom, stay the fuck away from my urinal. (audience laughing) See, the men are laughing, ’cause they know what urinal I’m talking about. The women are like, “He has a urinal?” Yes, I do, I have a urinal. In every single bathroom across these United States, it’s required by law, there’s always two or three urinals for way up here, and there’s always one that’s way the fuck down there. That’s mine, that is my urinal! Do not use that urinal! That is reserved for me, that is reserved for your five year old son Zachary, and that is reserved for any man with a two foot dick, okay? That is all. So… Black guy’s clappin’, he’s like, “I can use that shit.” Anyway. (laughing) He can. So I go to this bathroom, now in this airport bathroom, it’s all open urinals. It’s a cornucopia of urinals. One might even say they have a plethora of urinals and they’re all wide open. Only one is being taken up. Guess which one urinal is being taken up? Mine! All right? So now, I’m behind the guy, I gotta do this sward I-gotta-pee dance like right behind him. Now other people are walking in the bathroom, they see a dwarf dancing right behind a guy. You see a dwarf dancing behind someone, you think I’m casting a spell on him or some shit. And then I just had this moment where I couldn’t take anymore, so I just looked at the dude, I was like, “Excuse me sir!” He turned around, and this is exactly what he did, no exaggeration. He just turns around and goes, “No fucking way.” (audience laughing) Like all that was missing was the Southwest Airline logo, like, “Boop, wanna get away?” Like that was it. I was telling my friend about this story, he was like, “Brad, why don’t you “just use a regular size urinal?” Listen, I would love to use a regular sized urinal. I don’t possess the muscle control necessary to use the regular sized urinal. If I use the regular sized urinal, I gotta be like, pee, shut it off, pee, shut it off, pee, shut it off. I can’t do that. I haven’t done enough kegels. (audience laughing) But I was nice to the guy. I just said, “Excuse me sir.” He turned around, that was it. I’m not gonna be nice anymore. I’m not. If I ever go to a bathroom and I see one of you tall fucks and you are using my urinal, I will go full R. Kelly on your leg, all right? (audience laughing) But yeah, this is a fun job. I love this job. Only bad part about it is you gotta travel a lot. Like the past three years, I been on the road like 48 weeks a year. So I get burned out. I was so burned out, that I took this other job just to get away from it for a bit. I took a job as a DJ in San Francisco, California on a morning show. Don’t cheer. I lasted six months, then I got fired. I will tell you exactly what happened. They might say something different on Google. This is what happened. (chuckling) I was a morning show DJ on this show, I was the sports guy on the morning show. Obviously, you look at me, you’re like, “Yeah, “there’s a dude who got picked first “for every team growin’ up.” I’m the sports guy. While I was up there, the San Francisco Giants won the World Series. Now, I don’t like the San Francisco Giants. So I go on air the next day, yeah! I go on air the next day, talk a bunch of shit about the San Francisco Giants. You know, make reference to a couple players that I know have been cheating on their wives. You know, classy stuff. They don’t like that. The Giants team called up the radio station, just like, “If that guy’s not fired, “suspended, or apologizes, “we’re pulling all our funding from your station.” The station panics, they call me to a meeting. They’re like, “Brad, you gotta go on air tomorrow, “say something nice about the Giants.” I’m like, “Nope. “Not gonna do that.” And they’re like, “No?” (cheering) They’re like, “No, you gotta do it. “Just go on air and say something nice I’m like, “That’s never gonna happen.” They’re like, “What? “‘Cause you’re from Southern California “and you’re a Dodger fan?” I’m like, “I am, but that has nothing to do with it.” Nothing to do with it, I’m a professional. They go, “Well, why don’t you just say “anything nice about the Giants?” It’s like, “Because I’m a fucking midget! “I’m not gonna wear a jersey “that says Giants on it, asshole!” (audience laughing) Realize that? I’m not gonna support something that’s been trying to kill me my entire life. No one else would do that ever. A black guy would never wear a jersey that says cops. (audience laughing) Okay, okay. That’s a good tester joke. Good tester joke. Some of you guys laughed, some of you didn’t, that’s fine. You don’t have to laugh at jokes you don’t like, that’s fine. But if you did not laugh at that joke I can tell you something about yourself. You’re white. (audience laughing) Guarantee you. Because black people love that joke, and black people love racial jokes in general. They’re not afraid of them like white people. White people are scared to tell racial jokes. Black people aren’t. You’ve never seen a black guy at his job like, “Hey guys, I’ve got a…” “Cracker joke to tell you guys right now.” No! A black guy will wait until he is surrounded by the maximum number of crackers before He’ll call more over. “Richard, get over here, you’re gonna love this shit.” (audience laughing) Now white people, we hold it in. We hold it in because we know we can get in trouble. So we walk around all day with this voice in our heart, like, “Don’t say shit, don’t say shit, “don’t say shit, don’t say shit.” ‘Cause we know we can get busted. We can get fired. You see it all the time, people have to apologize for what they say about racial issues. There’s always some celebrity who’s gotta call a press conference and be like, “I’m sorry to the African American community. “I meant nothing when I ordered the salmon blackened.” (audience laughing) You get scared and you hold it in. White people hold it in, and it effects other parts of life. Even something basic as laughter. Because white people never want to be caught laughing at the wrong joke, so we laugh like we have ADD, it’s just, “Ha ha!” And we stop. You ever seen a black guy laugh like that? Fuck no. I love makin’ black guys laugh. You make a black guy laugh, he puts everything he has into it. Body, soul. Black people burn calories when they laugh. It is awesome. You make a black dude laugh it’s like, “Ohhh shit!” (audience laughing) “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard “in my God damn life!” Try it, white people. You’ll like it. Don’t get me wrong, you’re gonna fuck it up the first time you do it. First time you’ll be like, “Golly gee willickers!” (audience laughing) “That was a humorous anecdote.” (audience laughing) I just don’t get why we’re not allowed to talk about certain things. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Because in my opinion, when you talk about racial issues, when you joke about it, when you have discussion, that’s how you learn. That’s how you gain a greater appreciation. You do, that’s how you learn and appreciate other cultures. Like right now, I love Asian people. I love Asian people right now. Because two weeks ago, yes, two weeks ago, my Asian buddy called me up and he asked me for help to fix his iPhone. (audience laughing) Think about that for a second, okay? He asked me, he could have asked his cousin. His cousin built the fucker, all right? But he didn’t, he asked me, and that made me feel good about myself, made me feel good about the Asian people. And that’s when I realized, “Oh my God, “this is how we can end racism. “If every group just asks for help “with something they’re supposed to be good at.” Then we’ll all support each other. We’ll build each other up, right? Appreciate each others’ cultures. Like how much would you love Indian people if your Indian friend just called you like, “Oh my God, you need to help me. “You need to help me right now. “I am telling you one thing, now more than ever, “I am in desperate need of customer service.” (audience laughing) “I don’t know what to do with my computer. “I have tried everything to fix my computer. “I have turned it off, I have turned it back on. “I don’t know what to do. “If you could please just help me, “I would be ever so grateful. “Oh, oh wait, you are busy? “I will hold.” Ah-ha-ha! But I understand that it’s difficult. Because there’s some groups that you’re allowed to make fun of, and other groups you should never make fun of under any circumstance whatsoever. And I know this dichotomy exists ’cause I know I’m one of those groups that’s perfectly all right to make fun of. I am, I’m not mad about that, I just want equality. Like, most the time when people make fun of little people, they’re not even thinkin’ about it. Like, Hollywood does it all the time. Like, I went out for a commercial audition not too long ago. It was for a Christmas commercial, and in my breakdown, now breakdown for an actor is details about how they’re supposed to prepare for the role. In my breakdown it said, “Be sure to bring your own elf costume from home.” (audience laughing) From home! What the fuck you think is in my closet? (audience laughing) You think you go in my house, open up it up, it’s just elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf, elf. Then the springtime. Leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun, leprechaun. In the summer, I’ll dress like a gnome if I’m feeling fancy. Like, are you kidding me? It’s wrong. It’s fucked up, and it’s wrong. Don’t kid yourself, I do own an elf costume. But it’s, you gotta work in this town. It’s just messed up because they would never do that to other groups, ever. They would never be like, “Oh, you’re Asian, “bring your wok.” You know what I mean? “Oh, you’re a black male, “bring your illegitimate child.” They never do that. All right? Now, I actually like when some people don’t laugh at that joke because it helps me identify you. And it helps me identify the people that I hate the most in this world. Oh, I’ll tell you who they are. Oh, yeah. Here’s the people I hate. And I don’t mean hate like, “Oh, I hate chocolate cake.” No, I mean I hate these people, all right? If you are one of these people that gets offended on behalf of another group, eat a bag of dicks. (audience laughing) Just a bag of dicks. Not the fun size bag, no, the family size bag of dicks. Just never stop shoving dicks in your mouth. Why do people do this? Why? Why do people care so much about shit that has nothing to do with them? And the worst part is that they think they’re being so good. They think they’re being a champion. I hope you know that when you get offended on behalf of another group, what you’re doing is infinitely times more racist than whatever pissed you off in the first place. Because what you’re doing is you’re turning to that group and you’re saying, “Hey, “you’re not smart enough to know “you’re being made fun of right now. “But don’t worry, I know. “I know you were made fun of, “and I’m gonna do something about it. “No, no, no, don’t get up, don’t get up, “don’t get up, don’t get up. “Stay there, I’ll handle it, I got this. “Master race on three. “One, two, three, okay, there we go.” Why do people do this? And I know they do this. I had a woman come up to me recently after a show. Angry, pissed off. “Brad, I was so offended when you said the word midget.” I was like, “Right, “because you have other family members who are dwarfs.” “No.” “You have children that are little people.” “No.” “Then why the fuck do you care?” Why do you care? This doesn’t effect you, it doesn’t change your life. I would understand if every time I said the word midget that was some sort of call to arms to all the little people out there to rise up and fight our tall oppressors, and then when you guys got home there were midgets just flying in your windows, doing shoulder rolls, and then drop kicking your puppy. Okay, I would get that. But literally nothing happens to you. And who the fuck are you to tell me what I can say about my own people? I hope you realize I’ve been a midget my entire life. All 32 years. It’s not like I was six foot four, you know, things weren’t going so well so I hacked off a couple of feet and said, “Let’s give this a shot.” That didn’t happen. Why do people care so much about things that don’t affect them? Why would any one give a shit if weed is legal or not? Listen, if you don’t smoke weed? Great, don’t smoke weed. But don’t stop someone else from doing it ’cause them doing that action doesn’t affect you whatsoever. Same thing. (cheering) Same thing with gay marriage. Listen, if you’re not gay, who gives a shit if gay marriage is legal or not? If two gay people get married, didn’t change your life. Didn’t affect you whatsoever. Why do people give a shit about that? And why do people give a shit when I drive in my car and I sing every lyric to Katy Perry’s Firework? Why? I love that song. That’s a great song. It’s an inspirational song. Helps me feel better about myself. Now I understand that joke is not funny, all right? It’s not. But I say it every night, ’cause one of these nights, one of you people in the audience, you are going to know Katy Perry and you are gonna tell her about that joke. She’s gonna be intrigued by that joke. She is gonna wanna come see one of my shows. She’s gonna laugh at my comedy show. She’s gonna wanna meet me afterward. I will meet Katy Perry, then I will finally get a chance to motorboat them titties. (cheering) I’m not trying to do this whole social change thing. I just wanna get in there and go “baby you’re a firework”. That’s it. But these are the lessons that people teach their kids now. That’s the scary part. People are now teaching this to their kids. I see it. ‘Cause I see how children react when they see something different like me for the first time. I’ll tell you, it changes based on the race of the kid. It does, like, white kids suck. Okay, I hate white kids, they’re the worst. Fuck whitey, I hate ’em. They’re taught wrong. White kids are taught, “Okay, okay Trevor, “we’re going outside. “Now if you see anything Trevor, “just don’t say anything. “Just don’t say anything, Trevor. “Just old it in, hold it here. “Hold it right here in your happy place, Trevor. “Right here. Right here. “If it starts to hurt, don’t worry. “You can fart, you can just fart, Trevor. “You’ll be fine.” So then the kids see something different like me, he wants to say something, but he can’t. But he wants to, but he can’t, but he wants to, but he can’t. So he ends up just pointing and gasping. (screaming) Until the mom just grabs him by the head like, “Don’t look, honey, he’s special. “He’s special, honey.” Then you got the Mexican kids. Now, yeah. Now Mexican kids, y’all are a little better, you’re a little better. ‘Cause you say stuff, but you say it in Spanish ’cause you think I don’t speak it. (audience laughing) It’s like, sorry, I’m from Southern California where if you don’t speak Spanish, you starve. Okay? So I speak Spanish. I know what these little kids are sayin’ when they’re like, (foreign language) Until the mom comes and hits him. “Mijo, do not look into his eyes. “It’s a chupacabra.” Fuck you! See some of you are laughing ’cause you know what that is. Some of the white people are like, “What’s a chupacabra?” (audience laughing) “Can you order that from Chipotle?” But they’re not my favorite kids, no. My favorite kids, by far, black kids. Black kids have got it. ‘Cause they don’t give a shit. I love black kids, ’cause they see me, they drop whatever the fuck they’re doin’. They run across the damn street just, “Hey! “Hey! “What the hell is wrong with you?” You think the dad is offended, no, dad’s right behind him. “Yeah, what the hell is wrong with your midget ass?” “I got rims bigger than you.” Oh, shit. Basically, what I’m trying to say, ladies and gentlemen, the message behind my act, if you can pull one lesson from everything that I’m saying tonight, here it is. I want to be black. I do, I want to be black! It’s a wonderful time, it’s a wonderful time to be white in this country but want to be black. We found out last year that if you’re white in this country but you want to be black, they’ll let you be president of the NAACP. Yeah, we found that one out. You know what I’m talking about? Some of you are like, “What the hell?” I’ll explain, it’s a doozy, all right? In the great state of Washington there lives a woman, her name is Rachel Dolezal. She is president of her local chapter of the NAACP, National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. What a wonderful story. Oh wait, I forgot one minor detail. She white, okay? She’s white, and they announce this on the news, like, “A white woman is running the NAACP.” And I’m like, “What? “How did that happen?” They’re like, “She fooled everyone. “She fooled everyone. “Nobody knew she was white.” I’m like, how did no one know she was white? Was she just like turning down pumpkin spice lattes every minute? Like, “No, no.” Did she burn a pair of Uggs, like how the fuck did no one know she was white? They’re like, “She changed her appearance. “She looked black.” I’m like, “You can do that?” The Robert Downey Jr. Tropic Thunder surgery is real! (audience laughing) And they said, “Here, here’s what she looked like.” And they showed her picture. You guys remember seeing that picture? Yeah, was anyone fooled by that fucking picture? No one was fooled by that fucking picture. I knew that was a white woman. I could tell it was a white woman, ’cause I looked at the hair. The hair was a tell right there. Now that’s white hair. You put a pencil in that, it’s falling out. That’s not black hair, that’s not black hair. Stevie Wonder would have looked at her and be like, “That’s a white bitch.” (audience laughing) Then they made the announcement. Rachel Dolezal is going to appear on the Today Show, and I’m like, “I’m watchin’ that.” So I watched it, and they asked her, “Why did you pose as a black woman?” Now if she had said something along the lines of, “Well, you know what? “I did what I did because I support black people, “I respect black culture, “and I felt that doing this gave me the best opportunity “to give back to my own community.” If she said something like that, I’d be like, “You know what? “Okay, I get it. “Little weird, but okay, I understand.” That’s not what she said. No, that’s not what she said. “Why did you pose as a black woman?” (scoffing) She did that, first of all. And if you’re trying to pass as a black woman, step one, don’t do that that shit. Don’t do (scoffing), don’t. A black woman has never done (scoffing), never done that in the history of man. They might have thrown in a mm-hmm every now and then, but never (scoffing), that is pure white suburban bitch right there, it’s pure. (scoffing) “What do you mean pose as a black woman? “What do you mean, I am a black woman. “I am a black woman because I identify as a black woman. “Yes, I might be black on the inside, “but I am white on the outside. “It’s like a reverse Oreo cookie.” (audience laughing) People, we took the Caitlyn Jenner shit too far, okay? We did. Now that’s not me seeing anything negative against transgender people. Please do not mix my words. I support transgender people because, my God, if you’re born one sex, you live for a while as that sex, and you’re like, “You know what, no. “This is not what I’m supposed to be.” You wanna go through that entire process to change, you wanna go through the hormone therapies, have the plastic surgeries, write that really awkward email to your family, “Hey, not gonna have a dick anymore, Merry Christmas.” Like that’s, that’s gotta be tough, and I support you. Especially if you’re a dude and you become a woman. If you’re a dude and you become a woman, they take it, okay? They take it, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. It’s gone! It’s not like tattoos, you’re like, “Tattoos are permanent.” Tattoos are not permanent. You can get ’em lasered off, covered up, you can do all these different sorts of things to your tattoos. Can’t do that, once that’s gone, it’s gone. There’s no such thing as a re-dick-otomy, okay, like that’s not happening. So I’m not against transgender people, no. I’m against all the people that ever since the Caitlyn Jenner thing, now they’re hopping on this I identify as bandwagon. That’s all you have to say is, “I identify as,” then whatever you say after that, we immediately have to treat you as such, no questions asked. So you can be like, “I identify as a black person.” We have to treat you like a black person. “I identify as a hamster.” We gotta get you a little ball, little water bottle. It’s like, fine, as long as we all get to do this, ladies, I identify as Channing Tatum. Suck my dick, okay? How ’bout that? What? I can be Magic Mike. I can be Magic Mike. Check that shit out right there. Yeah. That’s Magic Mike right there. I am Magic Mike, XXS. (audience laughing) But I still understand what she’s saying. She wants to be black, great. I want to be black, I would love to be black. I’m halfway there. I’m halfway to being black, ’cause check it out, that is a black ass right there. I don’t care what you say. That is a black ass. Nikki Minaj got nothin’ on me. ♪ My anaconda don’t ♪ My anaconda don’t ♪ That’s a black ass. But I want to be full, I want to be 100%. I want to be a black midget! I’d be a nigglet. White people, that is the funniest joke you can never tell at work tomorrow. You’ll try, people would be like, “Oh, what’d you do last night?” “Oh my God, I saw this comedian, Brad Williams, “he’s a little tiny dude but he says “he wants to be a black midget. “He’d be called a (squeals).” (audience laughing) “You should go see him next time he’s in town. “That’s what you should go do.” I get it, white people. I get that I can say things that a lot of you can’t. There’s a reason why. It’s not because I’m a comedian. It’s not because I’m clever. Here’s why I can say things that you can’t. I’m cute, okay, I’m very cute. I’m downright adorable. When you’re adorable, you just make things better. Dwarves make everything better. I made a car accident better recently. I did, true story. I was talking with my buddy, Adam, and while we’re talking, outside his apartment, this car is driving, spins out of control, slams into a light pole. I freak out, I look at Adam, I go, “I’m gonna go help.” He looks at me and goes, “What the fuck are you going to do?” He’s right, what the fuck would I do? My people are not exactly life savers, all right. You’ve never been at the beach, seen a dwarf lifeguard see someone drowning, put on two floaties, and be like, “I got this shit!” Okay, that’s never happened. But I wasn’t thinking about that. I just saw someone in trouble. I knew they needed help. I had to do something so I start running across the street. Now… you have to see this from the woman’s perspective. In her mind, she was driving along normally, having a great day, all of the sudden, she spins out of control, she slams into a light pole. She’s all discombobulated and then she just looks up and sees me like. (audience laughs) Just barreling across the street like I’m a retarded Avenger, okay. And then she has this moment where everything changed for her. It switched, she was depressed, obviously, in a car accident, traumatic experience. Sees me, everything goes the other way. It’s like, “Oh my God, what just happened to me? “I was just in a car accident. “What’s going to happen to my car? “Is it wrecked, is it totaled? “Is my insurance going to go up? “Am I okay, do I have to go to the hospital?” (gasps and screams) Like what was going through her mind? Like I’m pretty sure I get three wishes now! (audience laughs) I make everything better. I made my own car accident better. Yes, I was in one and it’s embarrassing because it was my fault. I was an idiot, I was texting while driving, like a moron, head’s down, not paying attention. All of a sudden, I look up, nailed this dude’s car. Wrecked his car, wrecked my car. We both get out of the cars to assess the damage. He looks and sees me and just goes. “Worth it!” (audience laughing) That happened to me. Why did he say that? What was he thinking? “Well, hit a dwarf, that’s 25,000 points. “I’m kicking ass right now.” I make everything better! Stressful situations like car accidents, I make better. I make boring things better, like grocery shopping. It’s boring but we all got to do it. We all got to grocery shop. You guys do it, I do it, part of the human condition. Nothing entertaining about grocery shopping. But if I buy one box of Lucky Charms, holy shit! Could you imagine being in a grocery store, you look down the aisle and just see me, jammin’ with my box of Lucky Charms. If you saw that, you’d be like, “Fuck it, I’m buying a lottery ticket. “This is the greatest day of my life.” (audience laughing) I make everything better! Stressful situations, I make better. My people make boring situations better. Hell, my people even make porno better. You’re a freak, right there. You’re a freak. I like you though, I like you. Right now, look at all the people that laughed when I said make porn better, because those people have seen a midget porn. They know the magic that is midget porn. If you have not seen a midget porn before, what the fuck are you still doing here right now? Go home to your computers, type in www.humpaleg.com and enjoy that shit, okay. It’s awesome, it’s amazing. And I don’t judge, I don’t judge you if you watch porn, if you watch midget porn because in my opinion, your porn should be a little weird. It should be a little freaky. It should be a little freaky. Legal, it should be legal. I don’t want you guys getting busted and be like, “The dwarf said it was okay!” No, I did not, I did not say that. But it should be a little weird because porn, yeah, porn is an escape from real life. You don’t want to see real life in your porn. You don’t want to see that. You don’t want to see what sex actually is in your porno. Reality sex, that’s two people banging as quietly as they can because their four-year-old is sleeping in the bedroom next to theirs. I’m not getting off to, “Shh, you’re gonna wake the baby.” Okay, that’s not hot to me. No, porn is not about what you can do. Porn is about what you can’t do, what you want to do, what you’ve always fantasized about doing. Like I would love to watch a porno of two people just reaching shit. (audience laughing) Get it, get it, top shelf, bitch! I want that. But people assume I watch midget porn and I don’t. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t. I don’t judge you if you do but why would I watch midget porn? My life is a midget porn. If I wanted to see a midget porn, I would bang a girl next to a mirror, look left and go, “Alright!” Okay, that’s me. That’s not what I watch. But we’re all friends, I’ll tell you what I like to watch. Alright, I’ll tell you. This is honest too. (chuckles) I like to watch black dudes have sex with Asian women. That’s my thing. Why do I feel like you’re all judging me right now? (audience laughing) Really, you’re going to judge me about what I like to watch like you’re holier than thou? Like if I go through all your browser histories, all I’m going to find is missionary with eye contact. Are you kidding me? No, I like to watch black dudes have sex with Asian women because for once in my life when a dick goes in a vagina, I would like to hear, “Ow.” (audience laughing) I don’t hear that. I don’t hear that, I put my stuff in, it’s like, “Yeah!” (disappointed groan) “Shit!” (audience laughing) You’re supposed to be afraid of it. And would it kill you ladies, would it kill you to just fake it, okay? I’m not talking about the orgasm, no. I already know you fake the orgasm. No, I’m talking about faking your level of cock respect. Yes, cock respect. Ladies, you have to understand something. When your man takes his penis out for you for the very first time, it’s an emotional moment, it is. We don’t know what you’re going to say. We don’t know how you’re going to react. We don’t know how we measure up to the ghosts of penis past that you’ve had in your life. We don’t know if you’re going to say something when you see it, like, “Is that it?” And by the way, how fucked up is that? “Is that it?” Like any man’s ever heard that and said, “Actually no, I have more dick.” (audience laughing) “Lucky for you, I always carry some spare dick with me.” No, just… Just give us a little encouragement, a little, “Attaboy.” Doesn’t have to be crazy, doesn’t have to be insane. You don’t have to win an Academy Award. You don’t have to see it and be like, “(gasping) I have never seen a penis “of such magnitude!” Like, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to quote your favorite movie line, like, “Release the krakken.” Okay, you don’t have to do that. This is all you have to do. All you have to do the first time your man takes his penis out for you just look at my face, I’m going to show you what to do. Okay, this is all you do. See your man’s dick, this is what you do. (gasps) That’s it, that’s all you got to do, right there. Did you miss it? I’ll do it again, here you go. (gasps) That’s it, that’s all you got to do. If you do that, your man’s gonna be like, “Yeah, she’s afraid of this dick!” And then we’ll fuck you better. We will and I know I say that and there’s some women in the audience like, “Brad, why should I do that for my man? “My man would never do anything like that for me.” Ah-ha-ha! Au contraire. We already do something like that for you, ladies. We do, we’re just really good at it. And you don’t know we do it. See, look at all the women right now, looking at me like, “What the fuck do you do? “What the fuck do you do?” Don’t worry, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you what we do. Ladies, do you think every titty is perfect? (audience laughing) No, they’re not but guess what? You’ll never know. You’ll never know because no man is ever going to do that to you. No man, because we are, we are always ecstatic when we see the titties. We are thrilled when we see the titties. We see the titties, we know there’s a damn good chance that we’re having sex right after that. So we are going to say absolutely nothing to fuck that situation up, okay. Nothing, no man has ever taken off a woman’s bra and just went, “Nope!” That’s never happened, ever! And ladies, there are some fucked up titties out there. There are some fucked up titties. Some of you women get boob jobs and you get like a lazy nipple, like points off in that direction. So like one titty is really into sex. The other one’s like, “Hey, what’s on TV over there?” (audience laughing) Some of you women have one, perfect, wonderful, spectacular titty then the other one’s like a little Downs Syndrome titty, just hangs on that side like that. If that’s the case, your man doesn’t care. We’ll have fun with the nice titty then we’ll have fun with the Downs Syndrome titty. We don’t give a shit. We’ll even talk to it in its own language. “Hey, you guys!” I know, I know. I say that and a lot of you are laughing. There are some women just like, “Brad, I get that those are jokes “but I’m serious, Brad, men do not like my titties. “They don’t like my titties, Brad, “because I have very small titties. “I am the president of the itty bitty titty committee “and men don’t like that, “they don’t like the small titties, Brad.” Ladies, is that you? Are you in the audience right now, concerned with a low self esteem over the size of your small titties? Ladies, if that’s you, I have one piece of advice for you and this will work. Have sex with me. Okay, have sex with me. Yes, I will make you feel awesome about your small titties because I have small hands. I make everything look bigger, everything. Alright. I like this. A lot of you are going to go home tonight and have sex after the show. Great, alright, I want you to. By yourself, that’s fine, that’s fine, not judging. That’s fine but I want you guys to have great sex and ladies, just understand that your man is freaky, okay. Whatever you think about your man, your man is freaky. However freaky you think your man is, add two Jared from Subways to that. Okay, just (audience boos) we’re freaky. We want to do some crazy shit. Now, I know there’s a lot of women, they’re like, “Oh no, Brad, not my man.” Especially your man, oh my God. I’m not worried about the guy that’s open with what he likes sexually. I’m not worried about the guy that’s like, “Yeah, I like some bondage, I like a little BDSM, “little BBW, interracial, I like that stuff.” I’m not worried about that guy. I’m worried about the guy that’s like, “I like nothing unusual when it comes “to things of a sexual nature.” That guy has a van and a basement, do not trust him, do not trust him. “My man is not freaky.” Fine, test it, test it ladies. Next time you’re having sex with your man, it’s going to end, right? And you know what time that is, right? You know, when the guy gets a little hitch in the giddy up, right. Like he’s all good for a while, like, “It’s my pussy, it’s my (clicking tongue).” Like that, he’ll just do that. And you know once you see (clicking tongue), once you see that, you’re like, “T minus 10 seconds ’til blastoff.” Like, you know that. When that happens, your man will say something to you. At some point, he’ll look at you and be like, “Baby, where do you want me to come?” Now, there is a thousand answers to this question but there’s only one answer you should never say, under any circumstances. Ladies, if your man says that, you should never, ever, ever look at your man and be like, “Anywhere you want to.” Never say that shit, ever. Now, I know a lot of women, you hear that and you’re like, “What, if I say anywhere, “he’s just going to come on my face “because that’s what he sees in the pornos. “It’s stupid, I don’t know why all you men “want to turn your women into glazed donuts. “It’s dumb.” Yeah, we do want to do that but you didn’t say, “On the face,” you said, “Anywhere.” And when you say anywhere, the devil comes up in the back of our heads. We’re like, “She said anywhere.” Then the angel pops up and says, “Okay, so maybe just like on her tits. “Maybe just on her tits, that’s someplace nice. “She can block it, she can like put it together “so it’s easy cleanup, like you could do that right there. “It’s fun, it’s nice, it’s easy, just on the tits.” “She said anywhere!” “Okay, maybe on the small of her back. “Right there on the small of her back, “like I said before, easy cleanup, “small tattoo right there for target practice. “It’s a pretty nice spot, alright.” “She said anywhere!” And we’ll check with you, we will check with you. We’ll always look at you like, “Baby, did you say anywhere?” If you look at us and be like, “Yeah, anywhere you want,” “Where’s your sister?” (audience groans) What? What? What? Your sister’s stomach constitutes anywhere. Why are you mad at me? We’re freaks, we’re freaks. But we hold it in. I want you to know that we hold in the freak. That’s how much we love you. That’s how much we love you, when we hold in that freak every night. Do you know how hard it is to do that? Do you realize that every time your man has sex with you doggy style, we’re just looking down and we want to put a finger in that butt. Okay, we want to, how could we not? It’s been winking at us the entire time. We look down and see that, we go right back to preschool, like round peg, round hole. We just want to do that. Tonight, you have my permission. Do that move, fellas, do that move. Hell yeah, it’s a great move, power move. Lets her know who’s back here. A man’s back here. Right there, that’s good. A lot of you women hate me right now but don’t worry. Ladies, if your man does that to you, you can get a little revenge. You can get the revenge, yeah. Next time you’re down there, like, “Oh, you thought that was funny?” Like that, and just do that right there. Right now, a lot of men are looking at their women, “You will not do that to me later on tonight.” “Why not?” “It doesn’t feel good.” You’re lying, it feels amazing, okay. Obviously, you’ve never tried it. Now, don’t get me wrong ladies, a lot of that depends on you. If it feels good or not, it depends on you. It’s not going to feel good if you’re too aggressive with it. You know, it’s not going to feel good if you’re just like, “Ah, comin’ in hot!” Like, that’s not going to feel good. If you act like you just dropped your engagement ring down the disposer like, “Where is that thing?” Okay, like don’t do that, don’t do that. Here’s how it feels good. Just ladies, pretend like you’re playing a game of Jenga. Yes, Jenga, the tower game, right. You can’t knock the tower over. You got to be sensitive. You got to be very careful, you got to be like, “Alright, here we go, here we go.” (audience laughing) Right now, a couple of guys are like, “You can try that on me later. “You can try that.” And there will still be the guys, the homophobic guys who are like, “No Brad, no, you put a finger in the butt, “that makes you gay, that makes you gay!” Really, do you really think that? You think somebody can just make you gay? Just out of nowhere, just make you gay? Like there’s ever been a situation where a man is having sex with a woman, like, “I love pussy…” ♪ And cock ♪ ♪ The hills are alive ♪ I know, I have a very fucked up sense of humor. I do, but you have to understand where I get my sense of humor from. I get my sense of humor from my family, specifically my mom and dad. Even more specifically, my dad. Now, my parents are not dwarves. What? I know, I tell a lot of people that and sometimes, they’re like, “What?” Because they don’t believe that tall people can have dwarf children. They like look at me, and when they ask me, “Hey Brad, where are your mom and dad from?” They think I’m going to say, “Narnia.” It’s not where they’re from. And there’s no dwarves in my family at all. I am the only one so they weren’t expecting it. So like my dad, he’s this really athletic dude, tall, athletic dude and he thought his wife was going to give birth to a football player. Instead, she shot out a football. You gotta ask yourself, what would you do in that situation? What would you do? You found out your child was a little bit different? He wasn’t going to be like all the other kids, what would you do? How would you react if you knew for a fact, your son was guaranteed to be bullied when he got to school? Hopefully, you do what my dad did. He bullied me first. But he did it in a very awesome way. He would make fun of me and then he would tell me, “Alright, hit me back, hit me back with something. “That’s what you’re going to do. “Some kid’s going to come up to you. “He’s going to make fun of you. “What are you gonna do? “You gonna cry about it? “No, not my son. “You’re going to make him regret saying that to you. “You’re going to make him cry about it, “that’s what you’re going to do.” So he molded me, he trained me, he prepared me like Yoda and Luke Skywalker. The sizes were reversed, but you get the idea. So by the time I got to kindergarten, I was a trained verbal assassin. I walked into kindergarten with some swag, like, “I hope someone fucks with me today.” And someone did. Someone did fuck with me, I will never forget this. First day of school, we’re all lined up, right. And we’re taking roll. This kid runs out of line in front of the entire class, runs right up to me, points his finger in my face, and goes, “Ha ha, you’re little.” I looked at him and went, “Ha ha, your mom doesn’t live with your dad anymore.” Tears, tears, tears. I live in California, I had a 50/50 shot of getting that one right. So he starts crying, I get sent to the principal’s office. I’m sitting there in the office. It’s me, it’s the principal, it’s the kid. Kid’s still crying because he’s a bitch. And the principal looks at me and he goes, “I can’t believe you made him cry. “I’m calling your father.” “Do it.” “Alright, I’ll do it.” So he gets the phone out, he calls my dad, gets my dad out of work, and says, “Mr. Williams, I’m here with your son, Brad. “He’s in my office today because he made “another little boy cry at school. “What do you have to say about that?” Here’s what my dad said. He goes, “Did he start it or did he finish it?” Yeah. I see. I see the old school parents clapping right now because you know what that means. Some of the younger parents are like, “What, what are you talking about? “Did he start it or did he finish it, “it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, Brad. “Both children made fun of each other. “They should both be punished equally. “They should be put in time out, “should be put in time out, Brad. “Time out means they can’t use their XBox for three minutes. “It’s not good, they’ll think about what they did “and then, and then they’ll be done “and they’ll want to learn something “and they’ll want to go outside. “Now, before they go outside though, “it’s very scary outside so you wanna “dip your child in a big vat of Purell, “just dip them in that Purell. “There’s no germs on them but you know, “they could fall so you want to be prepared for that. “So you put a helmet on them, “you put some wrist pads, some elbow pads, “some knee pads and then, “if they play competitive sports, “even if they get last place, “you can’t hurt their self esteem so if “you give them a three-foot tall trophy “and at the bottom of it, it says You’re Special.” Fuck you, fuck you! Stop it, stop it! (audience applauds) That’s not what you do! Did you start it or did you finish it? Because you’re never ever, ever supposed to start a fight but if you’re in one, you better damn well finish that thing. That’s the rule. If you start, if you start a fight, you’re an asshole. If you finish it, you’re a goddamned hero. That’s the difference. So my dad says that to him and the principal goes, “Well to be honest with you, “he finished it,” and my dad says this, on the speaker phone, he goes, “Well the problem with your school “is not my son, the problem with your school “is the other kid’s a pussy.” Click, hangs up. I’m dancing around the office. “That’s my dad, that’s my dad!” And then I look at the other kid. I’m like, “You see, that’s what a father does. “You would have no idea what a father does.” Finish him. Dad was proud of me that day. I got Chuck E. Cheese that day. Awesome. Now, don’t think that just because I had that moment that my parents’ job was done. Because if you’re a parent, you know you never stop being a parent so my dad never stopped fucking with me, okay. Never, he even had to discipline me in a creative way because he’s old school, he wanted to discipline me because I would mess up. Just like any kid messes up. My dad, like he wanted to hit me but you can’t punch a dwarf, no, that’s, that’s 12 years bad luck, like you’re not doing that. So my dad never hit me. Here’s what he would do. When I would mess up, my dad would pick me up, put me on a counter, and then leave. Some of you get it. Some of you are like, “What’s the big deal?” Well, five foot counter, two foot human. Unless you leave a parachute, I’m not going anywhere for a while. One time at Christmas, I knocked over the Christmas tree. Dad got mad, picked me up, put me on the counter, called in my sister, was like, “Hey Katie, Katie, Katie, “come here, check it out, look what I got. “Elf on a shelf.” (audience laughing) 16th birthday, my dad wakes me up on my birthday, “Happy birthday, son. “I bought you a car.” Yeah! I run downstairs, run through the kitchen, get to the garage, open it up, Fisher Price Power Wheels sitting right there in the damn garage. Hey, I lived a block and half away from school. I still drove that thing to school. I had the first electric car, I was a visionary. Now, I tell those stories about my father and a lot of you have the appropriate reaction. You laugh. Some of you, some of you get that look. I know that look. I say those stories and you’re like, “Oh, “Brad, that’s, that’s so sad. “Your father made fun of you. “What do you think that did to you, Brad?” Made me a man, shut the fuck up. Shut up. (audience applauds) I thank God every day that my dad made fun of me. I’m so thankful that he put a little adversity in my life. That way, I knew how to conquer adversity later. You have to ask yourself one question. Who do you want your kid to be? Do you want your kid to be ready for the world that is or the world that should be? Now, in the world that should be, there should be no murder, there should be no rape, there should be no ISIS, there should be no Justin Bieber, but that’s not the world we live in. We live in a world where unfortunately, all those things do exist so who do you want your kid to be? Do you want your kid to be the person that’s never had anything go wrong for them, ever? Smooth sailing the entire way? Never had anything wrong, never got hurt, never got a bruise, just running down the street every day, just ♪ Sunshine and lollipops ♪ No, you don’t want that kid. Because when something does happen to that kid, and it will, that kid’s not going to know what to do. People want to protect their children from life and to some extent, you have to do that but you have to let a little in because you’re never going to be able to protect them forever. Life, ladies and gentlemen, has an undefeated record. No one has gone through this thing unscathed, no one. My family got ours about two years ago. Two years ago, my dad came home and announced to the family that he had skin cancer. And we knew, as a family, like, “Alright, we got to deal with this.” And we started dealing with it. And then when my dad had to have part of his face removed for plastic surgery and try to get that cancer off his face, that didn’t work and we had to regroup. Then when he went through radiation treatment, that didn’t work, we had to regroup. Then he had to go through chemotherapy and I had to watch the man who raised me, the man who I loved more than anything in this world whither away to almost nothing but I was never truly scared because my dad raised me to never fear anything in this world more than him. I knew nothing on this planet was scarier than my dad, nothing is more powerful than my dad. I know this, my sister knows this, and now cancer knows it because he beat that son of a bitch. (audience cheers and applauds) You want to know how he did it? Ask him, because my father is sitting right here in the second row. (audience applauds) Thank you, thank you for teaching me. Thank you for teaching me never to quit. Thank you for teaching me to be a man and hopefully be the man that you could be proud of. And now, it is my dream, it is my goal to one day have son. Don’t get me wrong, he’s going to be taller than me. That scares the fuck out of me. But one day, I want to have that moment with my son where we’re arguing, just like any father and son does, and we’re having that moment and we’re arguing and we’re getting pissed off. It happens in every household. It is my dream that one day, my son will look down at me and get mad at me and pick me up and put me on a counter and be like, “Grandpa taught me that one, bitch.” Thank you guys very much for being a part of this. Thank you. ♪ bluesy rock music ♪ And thank you to UCI Medical Center for keeping my dad alive, I love you guys. Thank you. ♪ bluesy rock music ♪ – [Voiceover] Give it up for Brad Williams! ♪ bluesy rock music ♪ – Alright, showtime, we got an audience. We just need a comedian. One comedian. – I am a professional stand up comedian and I would love to go on stage. – I don’t think so. – Okay, you just said you needed a comedian and I’m here, I’m ready to go so what do you mean? – Alright, look, let’s just see how you size up, okay. – Size up? – Yeah, see, the sign says must be below this line to go on stage, so. – (chuckles) Is this for real? Are you serious? I’m a professional stand up comedian. I’ve been in movies, okay. I co-host a popular About Last Night podcast. Heard of it? – Yeah, you’re too big, sorry. – Okay, well, I’m small where it counts. If that’s helpful. – Okay sir, can you just step to the side please? – This is bullshit! A line is going to determine whether I go on stage or not? – (clears throat) Yes. The sign says must be below this line, okay. If the sign said must be wearing body spray that smells like a dragon farted on a glass of Mountain Dew, you would be perfect. – Okay, I take offense to that. Vin Diesel is a good friend of mine and his cologne, okay, is very expensive. – Hey, I heard you needed a comedian. – Yes, yes, perfect. Let’s see how you measure up right here. – Oh, sure, sure. – Yes, perfect. – Awesome, let’s do this. Nice cologne. – See? – Alright, we’re ready. – That was a cute jump. – Adorable. – I fucked him, this is weird. This isn’t weird though. It’s weird. ♪ upbeat music ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannah-gadsby-nanette-transcript/

[“Bobby Reid” plays] ♪ There’s blood in the water ♪ ♪ Won’t you cut me down? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause people keep on calling ♪ ♪ Won’t you cut me down? ♪ ♪ Bobby Reid, won’t you please ♪ ♪ Cut me down? ♪ Thank you very much. Thank you. Might’ve peaked a bit early, but… Welcome to my show. My show is called Nanette. And the reason my show is called Nanette, is because I named it before I wrote it. I named it at around the time I’d met a woman called Nanette… who I thought was very interesting. So interesting. “Nanette,” I thought, “I reckon I can squeeze a good hour of laughs out of you, Nanette, I reckon.” But… turns out… no. I met her in a small-town café. Now, I feel… I don’t feel comfortable in a small town. I get a bit tense. Mainly because I am this situation. And in a small town, that’s all right from a distance. People are like, “Oh, good bloke!” And then… get a bit closer and it’s like, “Oh no! Trickster woman, what are you doing?” I get a lot of side-eye. So I feel quite tense in a small town. Now, I’m from a small town, a very small town in… I’m from Tasmania. Now, of course, Tasmania is that little island floating off the… arse end of mainland Australia there, just… Lovely place. Famous for a lot of things. Potatoes. Very… And our frighteningly small gene pool. That’s… I wish I was joking. But I am very partial to the potato. Very versatile… vegetable. And not all the branches go directly away from the trunk in our family tree, I will admit. It’s a bit… topiary. But… I love Tasmania. I loved growing up there. I felt right at home, I did. But I had to leave as soon as I found out I was a little bit lesbian. And you do find out, don’t you? Yeah. I got a letter. “Dear Sir/Madam.” Wasn’t a great letter to receive in mid-’90s Tasmania. Because the wisdom of the day was if you chose to be gay… I say “wisdom”, even though homosexuality’s clearly not a choice. Wisdom is always relative, you know. And in a place like Tasmania, everything’s very relative, but I… But the wisdom of the day was that, if you chose to be gay, then you should just get yourself a one-way ticket to the mainland, and don’t come back. Gays… why don’t you just pack your AIDS up into a suitcase there and fuck off to Mardi Gras? Because homosexuality was a crime in Tasmania ’til 1997. Not long enough ago. And I took a long time to come to terms with my sexuality. There’s a few reasons for that. A lot of it has to do with bad press. Yeah, they didn’t get a good rap when I was growing up, the homosexuals. We didn’t have social media like we do now, but… “Letters to the Editor,” let me tell you. Slow Twitter. Brutal. But in all the debate about… homosexuality… no one ever really talked about the lesbians. You know? It was all the gay men. They’re the problem! Anal sex. That’s when the devil will get you! But lesbians, they’re like, “No… What even are they? What they do, though, really? Do they even exist if no one’s watching, really? No, don’t worry about them. No harm in a cuddle.” For a long time, I knew more facts about unicorns than I did about lesbians. Another reason I struggled with– There are no facts about unicorns. Another reason I struggled to identify as gay was the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. Precisely that. The Mardi Gras was my first introduction to my people. I watched it on… my TV in my little living room in my small town. That was my first introduction to my people. The Mardi Gras. My people… flaunting their lifestyle in a parade! I used to watch it, going, “There they are, my people. They’re busy, aren’t they? Gosh. Don’t they love to dance and party?” I used to sit there and watch it and go, “Where… where do the quiet gays… go? Where are the quiet gays supposed to go?” I still do. I’m just like… the pressure on my people to express our identity and pride through the metaphor of party is very intense. Don’t get me wrong, I love the spectacle, I really do, but I’ve never felt compelled to get amongst it. Do you know? I’m a quiet soul. My favorite sound in the whole world is the sound of a teacup finding its place on a saucer. Oh, it’s very, very difficult to flaunt that lifestyle in a parade. I don’t even like the flag. Controversial! But there, I’ve said it. Now… the Pride flag, now, I love what it means, that is perfect. Pride. Wonderful. But the flag itself? Bit busy. It’s just six very shouty, assertive colors, stacked on top of each other, no rest for the eye. An afternoon of that waving in my face, I need to express my identity through the metaphor of a nap. I don’t… I don’t think I’m very good at gay. I’m not the only who thinks that. I’ve… I’ve been getting a bit of negative feedback of late from my people, the lesbians. Bit of negative feedback. ‘Cause, gosh, don’t my people love the feedback. Not… Not shy! Not shy with the feedback. One of our spokespeople last year… Self-appointed. One of our spokespeople approached me straight after one of my shows to give me a bit of feedback, and that’s my favorite time for feedback. Straight after a show? Yes, please! That is when my skin is at its thickest. The feedback? Apparently, she said, “I was very disappointed in your show this year, Hannah. I just don’t think there was enough lesbian content.” I’d been on stage the whole time. I didn’t… even straighten up halfway through, you know? Perhaps I’ve been slacking off a bit. When I first started… the comedy, over a decade ago, always, nothing but. Nothing but lesbian content. Wall to wall. My first ever show…  was classic new gay comic 101. My coming out story. I told lots of cool jokes about homophobia. Really solved… that problem. Tick. I told… a story about the time this young man had almost beaten me up because he thought… I mean, he thought I was cracking on to his girlfriend. Actually, that bit was true, got that right, but…. there was a twist. It happened late at night, it was at the bus stop. The pub had closed, it was the last bus home, and I was waiting at the bus stop. And I was talking to a girl, and… you know, you could say flirting. I don’t know. And… out of nowhere, he just comes up and starts shoving me, going, “Fuck off, you fucking faggot!” And he goes, “Keep away from my girlfriend, you fucking freak!” And she’s just stepped in, going, “Whoa, stop it! It’s a girl!” And he’s gone, “Oh, sorry.” He said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I don’t hit women,” he said. What a guy! “I don’t hit women.” How about you don’t hit anyone? Good rule of thumb. And he goes, “Sorry, I got confused. I thought you were a fucking faggot… trying to crack on to my girlfriend.” Now I understand I have a responsibility to help lead people out of ignorance at every opportunity I can, but I left him there, people. Safety first. The main part, the centerpiece, of that show, was coming out to my family, and particularly my mom. Because my mom is very funny. She lives a comedy better than I can ever write it. Her response to me coming out, when I told her I was a little bit lesbian… Baby steps. Her response… was this. She’s just gone,”Oh, Hannah. Why did you have to tell me that? That’s not something I need to know. I mean, what if I told you I was a murderer?” It’s still funny. And it’s a fair call. Murderer. Murderer. You would hope that’s a phase. Real jokes. But I reckon I’ve been slacking off in recent years with my lesbian content. I don’t think I’ve been representing my people as much as I should be. You know, last year, my grandma asked me if I had a boyfriend. And I realized, in that moment, that I’d… quite forgotten… to come out to Grandma. I thought I’d… I remember it being on my to-do list. I thought, “I’ll wait till it comes up in conversation.” But it never does. But finally it did. But I did not take the opportunity! No, I deflected it like a real man. I said, “No… No, Grandma. No, I don’t have time for boyfriends.” Plural. Confident, wasn’t I? “But if I had time, heaps!” And she said, “Ah, well, you never know. One day you might walk around the corner, and there he’ll be!” “Mr. Right,” she called him. And I have been approaching every corner with caution since then. No offense to Mr. Right, if you are out there. But you’re also Mr. Very Very Too Late. ‘Cause I’ve done quite a lot of work on this lesbian situation here and I don’t imagine I’ve got a tight turning circle on identity. Imagine the feedback. Not enough lesbian content. Do you know what I reckon my problem is? I don’t lesbian enough. Not in the scheme of my existence. Not a lot. I mean, I keep my hand in. Bit of lesbian content there. I’ll be sprinkling it throughout the show. Keep your feedback forms to yourselves. No, I mean, if you were to plot my week, I don’t… Not a lot. Not a lot of lesbian-ing… gets done. I cook dinner more. I cook dinner way more than I lesbian. But nobody every introduces me as “that chef comedian,” do they? Not enough lesbian content. I should quit. I’m a disgrace. What sort of comedian can’t even make the lesbians laugh? Every comedian ever. That’s a good joke, isn’t it? Classic. It’s bulletproof, too. Very clever, because it’s funny… because it’s true. The only people who don’t think it’s funny… are us lezzers… But we’ve got to laugh… because if we don’t… proves the point. Checkmate. Very clever joke. I didn’t write that. That is not my joke. It’s an old…  An oldie. Oldie but a goldie. A classic. It was written, you know, well before even women were funny. And back then, in the good old days, lesbian meant something different than it does now. Back then, lesbian wasn’t about sexuality, a lesbian was just any woman not laughing at a man. “Why aren’t you laughing? What are you? Some kind of lesbian?” Classic. “Go on. You gotta laugh. Lighten up. Stop taking everything so seriously! Fucking learn to take a joke. You need to lighten up. I’ll tell you what you need to lighten up. You need a good dicking. Get a cock up you! Drink some jizz! You know?” Actual advice? It’s counterproductive. I do think I have to quit comedy though. And seriously. I know it’s probably not the forum… to make such an announcement, is it? In the middle of a comedy show. But I have been questioning… you know, this whole comedy thing. I don’t feel very comfortable in it anymore. You know… over the past year, I’ve been questioning it, and reassessing. And I think it’s healthy for an adult human to take stock, pause and reassess. And when I first started doing the comedy, over a decade ago, my favorite comedian was Bill Cosby. There you go. It’s very healthy to reassess, isn’t it? And I built a career out of self-deprecating humor. That’s what I’ve built my career on. And… I don’t want to do that anymore. Because, do you understand… [audience applauds] …do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility. It’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission… to speak. And I simply will not do that anymore. Not to myself or anybody who identifies with me. [audience cheers] And if that means that my comedy career is over, then so be it. I got a letter… on Facebook recently. And I say “letter,” ’cause I’m very bold. Controversial. But I call it a letter, because it said, “Dear Hannah,” comma, new line… Bit of feedback. And it said, “You owe it to your community to come out as transgender.” All jokes aside, I really do want to do my best by my community. I really do. But that was new information to me. I’m not… I don’t identify as transgender. I don’t. I mean, I’m clearly “gender not normal,” but… I don’t think even lesbian is the right identity fit for me, I really don’t. I may as well come out now. I identify… as tired. I’m just tired. There is too much hysteria around gender from you gender-normals. You’re the weirdos. You’re a bit fucking hysterical. You’re a bit weird, a bit uptight. You need to get a grip. You gender-normals… Seriously, calm down, gender-normals. Get a grip. “No, a man in a dress, that’s fucking weird!” No, it’s not. You know what’s weird? Pink headbands on bald babies! That’s weird. I mean, seriously, would you put a bangle on a potato? No, that’s organic. I paid a lot for that potato. Of course I understand why parents do it. Clearly they’re sick and tired… of their beautiful baby girl… being mistaken for a boy baby because of the no hair situation. I understand that. But the thing is, I don’t assume bald babies are boys. I assume they’re angry feminists, and I treat them with respect. How about this? How about we stop separating the children into opposing teams from day dot? How about we give them, I dunno, seven to ten years to consider themselves… on the same side? Did you know human men and human women have more in common… than they don’t? Did you know that? I don’t think many people do know that because we always focus on the difference. The difference between men and women. They’re very different. Now, dogs are heaps different to… “Men and women are very different. We’re from different planets!” Men are from Mars, and women are for his penis. Here’s an idea. I say we get rid of pink and give all the babies blue. I’ve thought about this and it’s not because blue is a masculine color. ‘Cause that… is false. I love that people go, “Blue, yeah, a very masculine color. Very reliable. Very rational color, blue. Yeah, you can trust blue. It’s why we’ve got it on flags. Lot of blue on flags. Navy blue. Everyone trusts a boat.” Blue, if anything, is a feminine color. It really is full of contradictions. You know, blue is a cold color. It’s on the cold end of the spectrum. But the hottest part of the flame? Blue. If you’re feeling blue… you’re sad. But optimism? Blue skies ahead! Make up your mind. A blueprint is a plan, but if something happens not on the plan, where does that come from? Out of the blue! Blue’s a wonderful color to start life with. There’s room for every kind of human in blue. There’s a whole spectrum, ’cause blue doesn’t demand… it doesn’t demand action like all the other colors. Think about this. You’re stuck in traffic… and the lights turn… blue. Less road rage, people. Less road rage. More accidents, ironically enough. I get mistaken for a man quite a lot. But not for long. My masculinity doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. I’m only a man at a glance. Which means it happens in a customer service situation, usually. Because I’m only a man at a glance, it means I’m very much right there still. Right in front of the person who’s just called me “sir”… and deeply regrets it. The really good ones just erase my memory of being called “sir.” They’re clever. It’s a clever trick. They do that with a combination… of hypnosis, and the magic word. They go, “Can I help you, sir? Madam.” And it works. Gone. I do not remember being called “sir” if someone calls me “madam” immediately after. Because “madam” is a very triggering word for me. It is. It’s what my mom used to call me when I was in a lot of trouble… for opening a brothel. Can we just have more words? It’s the apology I don’t understand, when people apologize for mistaking me for a man. I got it on a flight recently. Walking on, the cabin manager, “Welcome aboard, sir. Oh, madam, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” I was like, “It’s okay! It’s not like you called a man ‘madam’. That could have been…” So I said, “Don’t worry.” She said, “I’m so sorry.” I said, “Don’t apologize. In fact, I should thank you. I enjoyed it. Thank you. Never apologize. Don’t apologize. Look, I don’t identify as transgender, but I’m partial to a holiday. I love being mistaken for a man, ’cause just for a few moments, life gets a hell of a lot easier. I’m top-shelf normal, king of the humans. I’m a straight white man. I’m about… I’m about to get good service for no fucking effort! Do not apologize. I was going to take my assigned seat and both the armrests. Your knee space? No.” Just jokes, though. Clearly… just jokes. Just jokes. I wouldn’t want to be a straight white man. Not… right now. This is… Not at this moment in history. It is not a good time to be a straight white man. I wouldn’t want to be a straight white man. Not if you paid me. Although the pay would be substantially better. But, no… I don’t think it’s an easy time for you fellas, I do feel for you. Very difficult, very confusing time. Because– And you’re not coping. Because, for the first time ever, you’re suddenly a sub-category of human. Right? “No, we invented the categories. We’re not supposed to play! We’re human-neutral.” Not anymore. I’ve always been judged by what I am. Always been a fat, ugly dyke. I’m dead inside. I can cope. But you fellas… Bit soft in the belly? You hear “straight white man,” you’re like, “No. No, that’s reverse sexism.” No, it’s not. You wrote the rules. Read them. Just jokes. Banter. Don’t feel intimidated. It’s just locker room talk. [audience cheers] Just jokes, though. Just jokes. Do you know why I love picking on, telling jokes about straight white men? ‘Cause they’re such good sports. They’re like, “Oh, good joke about me. That’s a refreshing perspective. If you hate men so much, why do you try so fucking hard to look like one?” ‘Cause you need a good role model right now, fellas. [audience cheers] Dropping like flies. Jokes aside, if I may just give you a little human-to-human advice. Because I do understand it is a difficult and confusing time for you now. You know, it’s changing, it’s shifting, and I understand that. But… may I just, you know, suggest that you learn to, sort of, move beyond your defensiveness. Right? That’s your first point, you’re stuck on it, but you need to get some space around it, learn to develop… try and develop a sense of humor about it, or you need to lighten up, learn to laugh. Tell you what might help. How about a good dicking? Get a cock up ya, drink some jizz! You gotta laugh! That’s weird advice, isn’t it? It’s weird. It doesn’t… It’s not good, is it? It doesn’t feel very nice, does it? Laughter’s the best medicine, they say. I don’t. I reckon penicillin might give it the nudge. There is truth to it, though. Laughter is very good for the human. It really is. ‘Cause when you laugh, you release tension. And when you hold tension in your human body, it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy psychologically or physically. That’s why it’s good to laugh. It’s even better to laugh with other people. When you laugh, in a room full of people, when you share a laugh, you will release more tension because laughter is infectious. You stand to release more tension when you laugh with other people than you would if you laugh alone. Mainly because when you laugh alone, that’s mental illness and that’s a different kind of tension. Laughter doesn’t help. Trust me. Tension isolates us. And laughter connects us. Good result. Good on me. What a guy. What a guy. I’m basically Mother Teresa. But just like Mother Teresa… my methods are not exactly charitable. Let me explain to you what a joke is. And when you strip it back to its bare essential… components, like, its bare minimum, a joke is simply two things, it needs two things to work. A setup and a punch line. And it is essentially a question with a surprise answer. Right? But in this context, what a joke is is a question that I have artificially inseminated. Tension. I do that, that’s my job. I make you all feel tense, and then I make you laugh, and you’re like, “Thanks for that. I was feeling a bit tense.” I made you tense. This is an abusive relationship. Do you know why I’m such a funny fucker? Do you? It’s because, you know, I’ve been learning the art of tension diffusion since I was a children. Back then it wasn’t a job, wasn’t even a hobby, it was a survival tactic. I didn’t have to invent the tension. I was the tension. And… I’m tired of tension. Tension is making me sick. It is time… I stopped… comedy. I have to quit comedy… but I mean… I can’t quit you. No, I can’t quit you. I can’t. Because I don’t have a backup plan, guys. What have I got? Fifteen years ago, I barely graduated from an Art History degree. Fifteen years ago. Art History. Fifteen– They were dead then. They’re just deader. My CV is pretty much a cock and balls drawn under a fax number. Could you imagine me working in a gallery with an asymmetrical woolen poncho with an aggressive… fringe? Nasty jewelry, having the opinion? No. There’s… You know, art history is highbrow. I don’t belong in that world, I’m not from that world. I’m not from money, or even that much chat, if I’m honest, but… high art, you know, that’s what elevates and civilizes people. You know, galleries, the ballet, the the-a-ter. All these things, you go there, you get better. Comedy? Lowbrow. Well, I’m sorry to inform you, but nobody here is leaving this room a better person. We’re just rolling around in our own shit here, people. But I– A couple of years ago, a man came up to me after… my show. He had an opinion. Lesbians give feedback. Men? Opinions. Now, in the show, I’d spoken about taking antidepressant medication, and he had an opinion on that. Now, interestingly, I’d also spoken about how unhelpful unsolicited advice is in a… mental health plan, but he mustn’t have heard that bit. He came up to me after the show to give me his opinion. He said, “You shouldn’t take medication because you’re an artist. It’s important that you feel.” He said, “If Vincent van Gogh had have taken medication, we wouldn’t have the sunflowers.” I never, ever, ever thought that my art history degree would ever come in handy. But, oh, my lord. I tore that man a college debt-sized new arsehole. I said, “Good opinion, mate. Except that he did medicate. A lot. He self-medicated a lot. He drank a lot. He even nibbled on his own paints. Problem. And also, you know what else? He didn’t just paint sunflowers, he did quite a few portraits of psychiatrists. Not even random ones. Psychiatrists who were treating him. And medicating him. And there’s one particular portrait of one particular psychiatrist, and he’s holding a flower, and it isn’t a sunflower. It’s a foxglove. And that foxglove forms part of a medication that van Gogh… took for epilepsy. And that derivative of the foxglove plant medi-fucking-cation…” I must have skipped a dose that day ’cause I was feeling. “The derivative of the foxglove, if you overdose it a bit, you know what happens? You can experience the color yellow a little too intensely. So perhaps… we have the sunflowers precisely because… van Gogh medicated. What do you honestly think, mate?” I said. “That creativity means you must suffer? That is the burden of creativity? Just so you can enjoy it? Fuck you, mate. If you like sunflowers so much, buy a bunch and jerk off into a geranium.” Know what he said? He goes, “No need to be so sensitive.” I’m not being sensitive. I’m an artist. That’s feeling. “Don’t be so sensitive.” That is the most common nugget of advice I get. ‘Cause I’m a very sensitive person. And I get told to “stop being so sensitive” an awful lot. And it is always yelled. Which I find very insensitive. I don’t get it. “Stop being so sensitive.” I don’t understand. Why is insensitivity something to strive for? I happen to know that my sensitivity is my strength. I know that. It’s my sensitivity that’s helped me navigate a very difficult path in life. So when somebody tells me to “stop being so sensitive,” you know what? I feel a little bit like a nose being lectured by a fart. Not the problem. I feel like, in a comedy show, there’s no room for the best part of the story… which is the ending. You know, in order to finish on a laugh, you know, you have to end… with punch lines. Like, take my coming-out story, for example. The best part of that story is the fact that Mum and I have a wonderful relationship now. More than mother and daughter, we’re friends, we trust each other. Look what I did to the room. No tension. You’re just going, “Good on you. Got a good relationship with your mum, have you? Can you go back to the tension? That was hilarious.” But, yeah, Mum said to me last year, she said, “I’m very proud… that I raised you kids without religion.” I’d love to give you guys context on that, but that’s not how my mum runs a conversation. I have no idea why she brought that up in Target. No idea. She said, “I’m very proud that I raised you kids without religion because, you know, I’ve raised five children with minds of their own.” And I’ve just sort of gone, “Good on you. What aren’t you proud of, Mum?” I was home for a week. We had time. Because Mum and I have established jokes around this difficult time in our life. We really do. The banter, if you will. I say things like, “Mum, you made my life very difficult.” And she’ll go, “Yeah, well, I don’t think I liked you very much.” And we laugh! ‘Cause you’ve got to laugh. And… But not this day. She went quiet and… got tense. But what my mum eventually said to me is pretty much… at the core of why I’m questioning… comedy. She said to me, “The thing I regret is that I raised you as if you were straight. I didn’t know any different. I am so sorry. I’m so sorry. I knew… well before you did… that your life was going to be so hard. I knew that, and I wanted it more than anything in the world not to be the case. And I know I made it worse, because I wanted you to change because I knew the world wouldn’t.” And I looked at my mum in that moment and thought, “How did that happen? How did my mum get to be the hero of my story?” She evolved. I didn’t. See… I think part of my problem is comedy has suspended me in a perpetual state of adolescence. The way I’ve been telling that story is through jokes. And stories… unlike jokes, need three parts. A beginning, a middle, and an end. Jokes… only need two parts. A beginning and a middle. And what I had done, with that comedy show about coming out, was I froze an incredibly formative experience at its trauma point and I sealed it off into jokes. And that story became a routine, and through repetition, that joke version fused with my actual memory of what happened. But unfortunately that joke version was not nearly sophisticated enough to help me undo the damage done to me in reality. Punch lines need trauma because punch lines… need tension, and tension feeds trauma. I didn’t come out to my grandma last year because I’m still ashamed of who I am. Not intellectually. But, right there, I still have shame. You learn from the part of the story you focus on. I need to tell my story properly. Because the closet, for me, was no easy thing… to come out of. From the years 1989 to 1997, right? This is ten years. Effectively my adolescence. Tasmania was at the center of a very toxic national debate about homosexuality and whether or not it should be legalized. And I’m from the northwest coast of Tasmania, the Bible Belt. Seventy percent of the people… I lived amongst… believe that homosexuality should be… a criminal act. Seventy percent of the people who raised me, who loved me, who I trusted, believed that homosexuality was a sin, that homosexuals were heinous, sub-human pedophiles. Seventy percent. By the time I identified as being gay, it was too late. I was already homophobic, and you do not get to just flick a switch on that. No, what you do is you internalize that homophobia and you learn to hate yourself. Hate yourself to the core. I sat soaking in shame… in the closet, for ten years. Because the closet can only stop you from being seen. It is not shame-proof. When you soak a child in shame, they cannot develop the neurological pathways that carry thought… you know, carry thoughts of self-worth. They can’t do that. Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from outside in. But when you do that to a child, it becomes a weed so thick, and it grows so fast, the child doesn’t know any different. It becomes… as natural as gravity. When I came out of the closet, I didn’t have any jokes. The only thing I knew how to do was to be invisible and hate myself. It took me ten years to understand I was allowed to take up space in the world. But, by then, I’d sealed it off into jokes like it was no big deal. I need to tell my story properly. Because I paid dearly for a lesson that nobody seems to have wanted to learn. And this is bigger… than homosexuality. This is about how we conduct debate in public about sensitive things. It’s toxic, it’s juvenile, it’s destructive. We think it’s more important to be right than it is to appeal to the humanity of people we disagree with. Ignorance will always walk amongst us because we will never know all of the things. I need to tell my story properly because you learn from the part of the story… you focus on. Take Vincent. Old mate… Vincent van Gogh. The way we tell his story… it’s no good. It’s destructive. Because we’ve reduced it to a tale of rags to riches. He only sold one painting in his life. You know? Now look at him. “He’s quite dead.” Yeah, but very successful! Only sold one painting in his lifetime. And people believe, with that story, that van Gogh was this misunderstood genius. You know, he was born ahead of his time. What a load of shit. Nobody is born ahead of their time. It’s impossible! Nobody’s born ahead of their time! Maybe premmie babies, but they catch up! Artists don’t invent zeitgeists! They respond to it. He was not ahead of his time. He was a Post-Impressionist painter, painting at the peak of Post-Impressionism, while Peter was picking his pickled pepper. He wasn’t born ahead of his time. He couldn’t network. ‘Cause he was mental. He was… crazy. He had unstable energy. People would cross the street to avoid him. That’s why he didn’t sell any more than one painting in his lifetime. He couldn’t network. This whole idea, this romanticizing of mental illness, is ridiculous. It is not a ticket to genius. It’s a ticket to fucking nowhere. And artists are not these incredible, you know, mythical creatures that exist outside of the world. No, artists have always been very much part of the world, and very… very firmly attached to power. Always. Power and money, art is always there. Right back to the Renaissance. Oh, the Turtles? All of them. All of them, they knew how to network. Leonardo? Raphael? Donatello? They’re right up there, painting their own business cards, schmoozing. Michelangelo was a bit difficult, he was a bit… crazy. But, you know, he still networked. He gave gobbies to the Pope. Kissed his ring. Literally. But… I think it’s a shame that art history is such an elitist sport. It taught me a lot, you know. Useless… as far as a money-earner’s concerned, but I learned a lot about the world because of art history. I understand this world very well. I understand the world I live in… because of art history. I understand the world I live in and my place in it. And I don’t have one. And do you know how much time that saved me? I’m quite old, but look at the skin! That’s ’cause I haven’t wasted time looking… for how I fit in. I don’t. A lot of naps. Art history taught me there’s only ever been two types of women. A virgin or a whore. Most people think that Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift invented that binary, but it’s been going on thousands of years. There’s only ever been two options for a little girl to grow up into. Virgin or whore. We were always given a choice. Take your pick. Ladies’ choice! That’s the trick. The patriarchy, it’s not a dictatorship. Take your choice! And I don’t fit very neatly into either of those categories. Virgin or whore? I mean, on a technicality, I’d get virgin. I know. Do you know, if you go into a gallery with ye olde paintings there, there’s a lot of evidence to suggest that women have existed for a very long time. Longer than clothes. But not this masculine, off-center, lesbian situation here. And I… Art history taught me, you know, I look at these history women and I don’t feel like I’m the same species. There’s a lot of things that I do, and it’s not an identity construction. No, I’ve… Just things happen naturally. And art history taught me that these things are not really the place of a woman, you know? One of the things I do, I can generate thoughts in my own brain… unprompted. I can do that, all the time! Had another one. They just come all the time, and… Art history taught me, you know, historically, women didn’t have time for the think-thoughts. They were too busy napping, naked, alone, in the forest. Even biologically… I don’t feel like I’m the same species. For a start, I’ve got a functioning skeletal system. If you go into the galleries, you see, if a woman’s not sporting a corset and/or a hymen… she just loses all structure. Just sort of like… Just flopping about all over the place, going, “Oh, what does, furniture?” Sidesaddle, tits akimbo. No wonder we can’t reverse park, ladies! Dumb history women couldn’t even reverse park their arse onto a chair! Another thing I do that’s not very ladylike is every day I seem to be able to finish the getting of the dressed. Every day! Not a problem. All the buttons, all the way up. I’m quite a vague and forgetful person, but… Seem to do it quite easily. Especially if I’m leaving the house to get my portrait painted. Never once have I thought, “You know what, today, I must just leave a cheeky one out.” High art. I’m going to call it, guys. Bullshit. High art, my arse. The history of western art is just the history of men painting women like they’re flesh vases for their dick flowers. Having… said that, I think I’ve ruined any chance of getting a job in a gallery now. I mean, I could pay to be a volunteer guide. ‘Cause it doesn’t get any better with modern art, I tell you. I trip on the first hurdle. Pablo Picasso. I hate him, but you’re not allowed to. I hate him. But you can’t. Cubism. And if you ruin… cubism, then civilization as we know it will crumble. Cubism. Aren’t we grateful… in this room… that we live in a post-cubism world? Isn’t that the first thing we all write in our gratitude journals? “Oh, thank god.” I don’t like Picasso. I fucking hate him. I really– I just– He’s rotten in the face cavity. I hate Picasso! I hate him! And you can’t make me like– But you get it a lot: “Oh, cubism…” And I know I should be more generous about him too because he suffered a mental illness. But you see, nobody knows that. Because it doesn’t fit with his mythology. They go, “I think you’re thinking of Van Gogh.” No, I’m thinking about them all, actually… Because Picasso, he’s sold to us as this passionate, virile, tormented genius, man, ball sack, right? There’s no room in that story for… is there? [audience member] No. No. It’s rhetorical, but… There’s a… But he did suffer a mental illness. Picasso did. He suffered badly and it got worse as he got older. Picasso suffered… the mental illness of misogyny. Split the room. Didn’t I? And I bet you I know how that felt. Is misogyny a mental illness? Yeah. Yeah, it is! Especially if you’re a heterosexual man. Because if you hate what you desire, do you know what that is? Fucking tense! Sort your shit out. Yeah, he did suffer from a mental illness. Smarter men than I have proved he didn’t suffer a mental illness, but they’re– No, they’re wrong. They’d say he’s not a misogynist. They’re wrong. He was. If you don’t believe me, let me provide you a quote from Picky Asshole himself. He said, “Each time… I leave a woman, I should burn her. Destroy the woman, you destroy the past she represents.” Cool guy. The greatest artist of the twentieth century. Let’s make art great again, guys. Picasso fucked an underage girl. And that’s it for me. Not interested. “But cubism… We need it.” Marie-Thérèse Walter. She was 17 when they met. Underage. Legally underage. Picasso was 42, married, at the height of his career. Does it matter? Yeah. Yeah, it actually does. It does matter. But as Picasso said, no, it was perfect. I was in my prime, she was in her prime. I probably read that when I was 17. Do you know how grim that was? Oh, I’m in my prime! Oh, there is no view at my peak. But I wasn’t upset at the time, of course, because I was learning about cubism! Now, I should qualify this, though. Cubism is important. You know, it really is. It was a real game-changer. Picasso freed us from slavery, people. He really did. He freed us from the slavery of having to reproduce believable three-dimensional reality on a two-dimensional surface. Three-point perspective, that illusion that gives us the idea of a single stable world view, a single perspective? Picasso said, “No! Run free! You can have all perspectives. That’s what we need. From above, from below, inside out, the sides. All the perspectives at once!” Thank you, Picasso. What a guy. What a hero. Thank you. But tell me, any of those perspectives a woman’s? No. Well, I’m not fucking interested. You just put a kaleidoscope filter on your cock. You’re still painting flesh vases for your dick flowers. Separate the man from the art. That’s what I keep hearing. You’ve got to learn to separate the man from the art. The art is important, not the artist. You’ve got to learn to separate the man from the art. Yeah, all right. Okay. Let’s give it a go. How about you take Picasso’s name off his little paintings and see how much his doodles are worth at auction? Fucking nothing! Nobody owns a circular Lego nude, they own a Picasso! Sorry. You won’t hear too many extended sets about art history in a comedy show, so… you’re welcome. And it’s bold, I know. Comedy is more used to throwaway jokes about priests being pedophiles and Trump grabbing the pussy. I don’t have time for that shit. I don’t. Do you know who used to be an easy punch line? Monica Lewinsky. Maybe, if comedians had done their job properly, and made fun of the man who abused his power, then perhaps we might have had a middle-aged woman with an appropriate amount of experience in the White House, instead of, as we do, a man who openly admitted to sexually assaulting vulnerable young women because he could. [audience cheers] Do you know what should be the target of our jokes at the moment? Our obsession with reputation. We’re obsessed. We think reputation is more important than anything else, including humanity. And do you know who takes the mantle of this myopic adulation of reputation? Celebrities. And comedians are not immune. They’re all cut from the same cloth. Donald Trump, Pablo Picasso, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Woody Allen, Roman Polanski. These men are not exceptions, they are the rule. And they are not individuals, they are our stories. And the moral of our story is, “We don’t give a shit. We don’t give a fuck… about women or children. We only care about a man’s reputation.” What about his humanity? These men control our stories! And yet they have a diminishing connection to their own humanity, and we don’t seem to mind so long as they get to hold onto their precious reputation. Fuck reputation. Hindsight is a gift. Stop wasting my time! If you… Look, I am angry. I apologize. I do, I apologize. I know… I know there’s a few people in the room going, “Now, look… I think… she’s lost control of the tension.” That’s correct. I went on it a bit there. So, I’m not very experienced in controlling anger. It’s not my place to be angry on a comedy stage. I’m meant to be doing… self-deprecating humor. People feel safer when men do the angry comedy. They’re the kings of the genre. When I do it, I’m a miserable lesbian, ruining all the fun and the banter. When men do it, heroes of free speech. I love… angry white man comedy. It’s so funny, it’s hilarious. They’re adorable. Why are they angry? What’s up, little fella? What are they angry about? Gosh, can’t work it out. They’re like the canaries in the mine, aren’t they? If they’re having a tough time… the rest of us are goners. Do you remember that story about that young man who almost beat me up? It was a very funny story. It was very funny, I made a lot of people laugh about his ignorance, and the reason I could do that is because I’m very good at this job. I actually am pretty good at controlling the tension. And I know how to balance that to get the laugh at the right place. But in order to balance the tension in the room with that story, I couldn’t tell that story as it actually happened. Because I couldn’t tell the part of the story where that man realized his mistake. And he came back. And he said, “Oh, no, I get it. You’re a lady faggot. I’m allowed to beat the shit out of you,” and he did! He beat the shit out of me and nobody stopped him. And I didn’t… report that to the police, and I did not take myself to hospital, and I should have. And you know why I didn’t? It’s because I thought that was all I was worth. And that is what happens when you soak one child in shame and give permission to another to hate. And that was not homophobia, pure and simple, people. That was gendered. If I’d been feminine, that would not have happened. I am incorrectly female. I am incorrect, and that is a punishable offense. And this tension, it’s yours. I am not helping you anymore. You need to learn what this feels like because this… this tension is what not-normals carry inside of them all of the time because it is dangerous to be different! To the men… to the men in the room, I speak to you now, particularly the white men, especially the straight white men. Pull your fucking socks up! How humiliating! Fashion advice from a lesbian. That is your last joke. All my life, I’ve been told that I’m a man-hater. I don’t hate men, I honestly do not. I don’t hate men. But… there’s a problem. See, I don’t even believe that women are better than men. I believe women are just as corruptible by power as men, because you know what, fellas, you don’t have a monopoly on the human condition, you arrogant fucks. But the story is as you have told it. Power belongs to you. And if you can’t handle criticism, take a joke, or deal with your own tension without violence, you have to wonder if you are up to the task of being in charge. I’m not a man-hater. But I’m afraid of men. If I’m the only woman in a room full of men, I am afraid. And if you think that’s unusual, you’re not speaking to the women in your life. I don’t hate men, but I wonder how a man would feel if they’d lived my life. Because it was a man who sexually abused me when I was a child. It was a man who beat the shit out of me when I was 17, my prime. It was two men who raped me when I was barely in my twenties. Tell me why is that okay. Why was it okay to pick me off the pack like that and do that to me? It would have been more humane to just take me out to the back paddock and put a bullet in my head if it is that much of a crime to be different! I don’t tell you this… so you think of me as a victim. I am not a victim. I tell you this because my story has value. My story has value. I tell you this ’cause I want you to know, I need you to know, what I know. To be rendered powerless does not destroy your humanity. Your resilience is your humanity. The only people who lose their humanity are those who believe they have the right to render another human being powerless. They are the weak. To yield and not break, that is incredible strength. You destroy the woman, you destroy the past she represents. I will not allow my story… to be destroyed. What I would have done to have heard a story like mine. Not for blame. Not for reputation, not for money, not for power. But to feel less alone. To feel connected. I want my story… heard. Because, ironically, I believe Picasso was right. I believe we could paint a better world if we learned how to see it from all perspectives, as many perspectives as we possibly could. Because diversity is strength. Difference is a teacher. Fear difference, you learn nothing. Picasso’s mistake was his arrogance. He assumed he could represent all of the perspectives. And our mistake was to invalidate the perspective of a 17-year-old girl, because we believed her potential… was never going to equal his. Hindsight is a gift. Can you stop wasting my time? A 17-year-old girl is just never, ever, ever in her prime! Ever! I am in my prime! Would you test your strength out on me? [audience applauds] There is no way anyone would dare… test their strength out on me, because you all know… there is nothing stronger then a broken woman who has rebuilt herself. [audience cheers] To the men in the room… who feel I may have been persecuting you this evening… well spotted. That’s pretty much what I’ve done there. But this is theater, fellas. I’ve given you an hour, a taste. I have lived a life. The damage done to me is real and debilitating. I will never flourish. But this is why… I must quit comedy. Because the only way… I can tell my truth and put tension in the room is with anger. And I am angry, and I believe I’ve got every right to be angry! But what I don’t have a right to do is to spread anger. I don’t. Because anger, much like laughter, can connect a room full of strangers like nothing else. But anger, even if it’s connected to laughter, will not… relieve tension. Because anger is a tension. It is a toxic, infectious… tension. And it knows no other purpose than to spread blind hatred, and I want no part of it. Because I take my freedom of speech as a responsibility, and just because I can position myself as a victim, does not make my anger constructive. It never is constructive. Laughter is not our medicine. Stories hold our cure. Laughter is just the honey that sweetens the bitter medicine. I don’t want to unite you with laughter or anger. I just needed my story heard, my story felt and understood by individuals with minds of their own. Because, like it or not, your story… is my story. And my story… is your story. I just don’t have the strength to take care of my story anymore. I don’t want my story defined by anger. All I can ask is just please help me take care of my story. Do you know why we have the sunflowers? It’s not because Vincent van Gogh suffered. It’s because Vincent van Gogh had a brother who loved him. Through all the pain, he had a tether, a connection to the world. And that… is the focus of the story we need. Connection. Thank you. [audience cheers] [“A Better Son/Daughter” by Rilo Kiley plays] ♪ Then you hang up the phone ♪ ♪ And feel badly for upsetting things ♪ ♪ Crawl back into bed ♪ ♪ To dream of a time ♪ ♪ When your heart was open wide ♪ ♪ And you loved things just because ♪ ♪ Like the sick and the dying ♪ ♪ And sometimes when you’re on ♪ ♪ You’re really fucking on ♪ ♪ And your friends, they sing along ♪ ♪ And they love you ♪ ♪ But the lows are so extreme ♪ ♪ The good seems fucking cheap ♪ ♪ And it teases you for weeks ♪ ♪ In its absence ♪ ♪ But you’ll fight ♪ ♪ And you’ll make it through ♪ ♪ You’ll fake it if you have to ♪ ♪ And you’ll show up for work ♪ ♪ With a smile ♪ ♪ And you’ll be better And you’ll be smarter ♪ ♪ And more grown-up And a better daughter ♪ ♪ Or son, and a real good friend… ♪