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Jim Norton: Contextually Inadequate (2015) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-contextually-inadequate-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jim Norton! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Boston! I appreciate your coming. How are you? Let’s be honest, if I had one ounce of balls, I would have worn a sweater and done my entire act as Bill Cosby! “Oh, you look a little thirsty…” A bit of good news for any Cosby fans, he actually does have a new show coming out, Women Make The Darnedest Accusations. I’m going to say one good thing about Bill Cosby in this whole scandal, he has made me realize I am not nearly as big a pervert as I thought I was! I’m a normal, sexually healthy person! Yeah, I like to be spanked, and if a finger slips in, I’m not going to be rude. But if we fuck, I’d like you to be awake through it! And if you do fall asleep, I want it to be out of boredom, like all the other ones! What a ghoulish story, man! I mean, it’s really hard for any of us to kind of fathom that this guy, who we’ve loved for all these years, could be guilty of this stuff. And I understand the instinct to defend somebody who hasn’t been convicted in court. But there’s a lot of accusations. And Phylicia Rashad came out and defended him, and it’s always interesting to see the TV wife defend the TV husband of real-life rape charges… because she would know… Obviously, he would have told her. She’s, like, “I saw him every Monday morning, and no, he didn’t talk about that,” you know. “So, what did you do all weekend?” Like, he was going to go, “I was raping! The girl fell asleep, I sucked her toes!” You know, people hang onto that, like, well, you know, these women are all making it up, it’s a conspiracy, or they want money, or they want fame. Okay, maybe a couple of them are. Ah, but, you know, 20 women? I mean, over 20. That’s two football teams of women! That’s like if the Cowboys were playing the Packers, and they both stopped at the same time, and looked at the referee, and said, “Bill Cosby raped me!” Well, he raped all of us but Romo. He handed Romo the drink, and he dropped it! It’s just a lot of people to be lying about the same thing, and in the same way. So, let’s play devil’s advocate, I mean, I’ll even say, okay, just to appease those people, let’s say half the women are lying, which I don’t think they are. But let’s just say half are lying. That means he still raped at least 10 or 11 women. I don’t want to say that’s an impressive number… Like, you hear that, you never want someone to see you going, “Oh…” You know. But if you’re a rapist, you’re tipping your cap to Bill Cosby! He’s the Bernie Madoff of rapists! He never had that self-hating moment of clarity. Like, were there no mirrors in any of these rooms? Like, did he not once look up in the mirror as he was having sex with a sleeping woman? How do you keep an erection after your partner goes [Snoring sound]…? That moment of self-recognition and self-hatred is kind of healthy. I’ve had that moment alone! There’s been times where I had to power down and turn off and close my laptop, while I still had cum all over myself! Because the last thing I need is to trip and kill myself as I’m duck-walking to the bathroom… And then the coroner has to come in, and he backtracks, and he realizes what I was watching when I died! “This was no murder, Sam!” He was masturbating watching women with male genitals! You know, it’s been kind of a sad time for comedy, let’s be real honest! I mean, with our iconic comic heroes, this horrible thing about Cosby, you had Robin Williams die, you had Joan Rivers die. And it’s always interesting to me when something very sad like that happens, the way people react. And inevitably, there are people who just have to make it about themselves. And the day after Robin Williams died, I was out, and there were three women talking. And they were being very nice. But the one woman was just making it about her. And I really wanted to smash her face! She’s a big giant lady, and she had, like, a big, wide-brimmed hat. She looked like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau! And she was just one of these “it’s all about me” people. She said to her two friends, she goes, “Oh, my God, it was so terrible that he did that! Do you know, he and I had the same birthday?” And I wanted to ask her, “Where do you expect this discussion to go?” Like, do people hear that, and they’re supposed to go, “Oh, my God! I mean, for us, it’s going to be hard. But how are YOU going to get through this? Oh, once a year, you blow the candles out, oh, how terrible!” And then she’s naming his movies, but she’s getting them all wrong. She’s, like, “Oh, and he was so good in Good Hunting, and oh, in Doubtfire, he was so amazing! He was top of the tops!” And when she said he was “top of the tops,” I really started to think, all right, how much time would I get if I bit her face? Like, is there a way to bite her face, and then just tell the judge, “Your Honor, she said, ‘top of the tops,’ I just saw Cape Fear! I got you now, bitch!” And Joan Rivers sucked, because it was just so sad for all of us, because it was just so sudden, you know, and kind of avoidable. But I guess for her, it’s great, because that’s the way you want to die. I want to die like Joan Rivers. I don’t want a long, drawn-out death, and tributes. One minute you’re here, the next minute you’re gone. You don’t want some, you know, terrible sad notes to be written to your family. You want your last thought to be, like, “Wow, that nurse has weird nipples!” Gaaahhhhhhhhh! Joan Rivers was so under-rated as a comedian, she really, I think, is the most under-rated comic of all time. Because whenever we talk about, like, the top five or top ten greats, you always hear, like, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, or Cosby, or Lenny Bruce. You never hear Joan’s name mentioned. And I think she was the most brutal… and I say that with affection… the most brutal comic I ever saw perform! She made fun of AIDS, she made fun of 9/11, I mean, recently she called Michelle Obama a “trannie!” I’d be scared to text that to somebody! And when they asked her about it, expecting an apology, like, “Why did you say that?” She’s, like, “Oh! Look at her!” Joan Rivers was wonderful! I would have eaten her pussy 10 minutes after she died! God bless Joan Rivers! Because she never gave them what they wanted! She never said she was sorry. She was more fearless than any comic, she really was. Because they were always trying to get her to apologize! And in this era, man, that’s what they do! They catch you saying something, and they hound you until you say you’re sorry. And it seems like contextually, it doesn’t matter what the situation is. Like, look what happened to Jonah Hill. Jonah’s a nice guy, he’s not a homophobe. He’s being stalked by the Paparazzi, the guy’s hassling him, and in one stupid moment, Jonah Hill uses an anti-gay slur, and they come right after him. “He’s a homophobe!” And he wasn’t. The guy was all over him, and Jonah Hill just kind of, like, “Suck my dick, faggot!” Like, all right, that’s not a nice thing to say if you yell it at a guy because he’s taking too long making your cappuccino. Fair enough. You owe an apology if you’re in Starbucks, and you’re, like, “Suck my dick, faggot!” [Noise] But it seems like we’re now judged out of what we say and not what we do, because nobody penalizes the Paparazzi! As a kid, you were always taught what you say is irrelevant, your actions are all that matters. And now we’ve turned upside down, and we’re just the opposite way. Look at one of my closest friends, Anthony Cumia. Look what happened to Anthony Cumia! And you all know Anthony. For many, many years, you know, the show was the Opie and Anthony Show that I was on, and Anthony, look, comic genius, bit of a volatile personality! But, what happened, if anybody’s not familiar with it, the reason I’m talking about it is because Anthony was assaulted in Times Square one night. He was punched in the face by a black woman, and he went on Twitter and said some racially insensitive things. And people thought she might have been a hooker, but I don’t know if you saw a photo that he tweeted of her, she was NOT a hooker. She looked like the boat captain in Apocalypse Now! And Anthony had this camera, a lot of people thought maybe he was being creepy. He had this camera for about a year in studio, and he had become obsessed with photography. He was photographing everything. And that’s just what happens when you hit 50, and you have no love, or children. You photograph things, just so you have something to show people when they come to the house, other than empty beer cans and Xanax prescriptions! And I’m not knocking Anthony, I’m 46, and I’m eyeing up cameras. I’m right behind him! But he photographed… this black woman was walking, and she was in the photo. And I guess she might have thought he was being creepy. I don’t know what her situation was. But she came back, and she’s, like, “You white mother fucker!” And she belted him in the face about 10 times! And Anthony didn’t hit her back. He went home, and I guess he thawed out, like, sometimes an assault, you thaw out after a little while. And he went on Twitter, and, you know, he kind of went on a rampage. And he said some shit that I wish he would have rephrased. Like, I wish he would have called me first and run them by me, I would have been, like, “That’s fine, that’s fine, no! That’s fine, that’s fine, no! No, no, no, no! Put that one there, trust me!” But they fired him, and it was so horrible that they fired him! First, and most importantly, they robbed me of the opportunity to tease my friend by getting his ass kicked by Madea. Do you have any idea… forever I could have made fun of him! Every day, I would have walked in and held up a picture of a different black woman! Oprah Winfrey, “Duck, Anthony! Careful!” And, you know, the problem was, the press just ran with it. And they were so predictable. They always take the easy narrative. Like, I wish for once, they would really just go the extra mile and take the proper angle on it, because, you know, the big story is, “Shock jock says inappropriate things!” How about the story being, “Shock jock is assaulted, but reacts non-violently.” Why wasn’t the non-violent reaction part of the story? You don’t have to like what Anthony said. You don’t have to agree with what he said. But you do have to respect the fact that he didn’t punch this woman in the face, nor did he pull out the gun that he has on him at all times! And he shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have pulled his gun. But he didn’t. And Anthony’s one of those guys who’s armed all the time, like, I’ve been at his house 3:00 in the morning, he’ll be in his underpants with just a gun. If you look through the window, you’d think he was either, like, a tall six-year-old playing sheriff, or a man who’s mentally ill! I have been in his Jacuzzi with him at 3:00 in the morning, just me and him… as friends… and he has a gun within arm’s distance, outside of the Jacuzzi. And at one point I said to him, like, “Dude, is something going to happen here that I’m not aware? Like, you know, are you going to all of a sudden point that at me?” And, I’m, like… [gurgling sound] My head’s going to pop out of the water, I’m going to hear the Cosby theme song coming out of the house? Because I do think the fact that he behaved responsibly as a gun owner is worth noting. Because I’m telling you very honestly, if I had a gun, that woman would have gotten shot! But not out of being a tough guy, or being angry, I would have panicked, because I can’t fight for shit! And any woman that walks up to a guy at 3:00 in the morning and goes, “You white mother fucker,” and punches him probably could kick the shit out of me! So I guarantee you, if she hit me once, I would have pointed the gun at her in a panic, “Get away from me, madam!” And I would have shot her 30 to 40 times! And putting it away, I would have panicked, and shot myself, like Plaxico Burress! Then I would have went home on Twitter and blamed the Puerto Ricans! You know, gun ownership’s a big responsibility. Like, I don’t think I’m the right mentality to have one. Like, I’ve been dying to get one. And it’s not even to shoot people, I just want one for those annoying day to day interactions, like… do you ever go to return an item with no receipt? How great would a gun be at those moments? You don’t have to brandish it, just quietly put it on the counter. “Do you have a receipt?” I don’t know, do I? And the thing you got to be careful about is, you never know who’s armed. Like, Anthony behaved responsibly. But not everybody does. There was a guy in Florida shot and killed for texting in a movie theater! Now, obviously, you hear that, you have mixed feelings… That’s one of those stories you hear, you’re like, oh! Ahhh… And the guy who got shot was in his 30s, and the guy who killed him was a 71-year-old retired police captain. You can’t find a crankier human being than a 71-year-old… “I got all you guinea hoods locked up!” And I’m not saying the young guy deserved to get shot, but I think he read the situation wrong, because they started to argue, and it got very, very heated. Now, first of all, in fairness to the old guy, old people sucked with technology. He probably had no idea, he saw the glow of the cellphone, and, “The man’s got plutonium!” And panicked, and shot his pants! But they started arguing, and it got very heated, then the old guy shot him. If you’re in your 30s, and you’re having a really nasty argument with a very old man, and the old man’s not backing off, find out what he used to do for a living! Because there’s a reason he’s not backing off! So, at one point, just go, like, “What did you used to do?” And if he’s, like, “I was a baker!” Then kick the shit out of him! But if he says, “I was a police officer!” Say, “Thank you for your service!” And another thing that should have tipped the young guy off is, they were both there with their wives. You don’t argue with a man who’s that old if he’s with his wife, because that guy’s been married a long time, he’s looking for a way out! Shooting you does not represent dying alone in prison; it represents a 30-year vacation with better food and more sex! I’ll tell you what really scares me, though. It’s not necessarily the random shootings, because those are very rare, and you can’t live life being afraid of that. It’s the workplace shootings, because those do not feel random. You always see those coming. So, there’s, like, an anticipation before it happens. Because it’s always that one fucking nut on the job, you know what I mean, who slowly descends into being crazy. Because no one goes on a rampage the day they get hired. You know, it’s never, like, “Welcome aboard! Let me show you where the break room is.” “I’ll never need it!” You know. Oh! By the way, was that the worst impression ever of pulling a gun? Who the fuck draws, like… If I ever wonder why I don’t get acting work, remind me of, you know, “All right, Jim, you’re a bank robber,” okay, “Give me your money, see?” Cut! What the fuck are you doing?” It’s always one of those guys that people start talking about for a month, like, “I think there’s something wrong with Bill! “What do you mean?” He holds his pen like this! He writes, ‘JEWS’ in capital letters… “And you watch those post-shooting interviews, they’re never shocked by who the shooter is!” Were you surprised Bill went on a rampage? “Oh, no, not at all! We knew Bill was going to kill all of us! “How did you know?” Well, he’d say, ‘I’m going to kill all of you!’ And then he’d spit in our food and walk out of the break room! We tried to have him fired, but he’s one quarter Native American. It was a Human Resources issue!” But it’s so interesting to me too, because I think by this point in your life, you know, what a gunshot sounds like. We’ve all heard them or seen them in the movies or on television, and yet, they never think that’s what it is the day of the shooting. I don’t know what it is, but the interviews are always the same. It’s, like, “Well, I was at my desk, and I heard, pop pop pop, pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop! And I thought it was firecrackers! So, I went out into the hallway, and it was Bill. And he was wearing Army fatigues, which I thought was odd, because he’s an attorney. And he was pointing something at people who were sleeping on the floor, with cranberry sauce on them! I said, ‘Bill, what are you doing, Bill?'” Like, I understand you’re in shock, but Jesus, fucking firecrackers? When was the last time you had your workday disrupted by fireworks? We saw that story on the news, it was, like, “Well, I was at my desk, and I heard, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!” “What happened?” “Edna turned 75! We threw firecrackers into the office, and she screamed because she broke her femur, jumping up in happiness!” “What was all the, ‘Help, help’?”Oh, nothing, we’re just going to teabag her until the ambulance gets here!” But you sense that kind of stuff off people. And we’re taught to ignore that, because it’s not social polite to prejudge people. But I think that we all connect on some weird level that’s inexplicable. Like, I had a weird moment when I was in Washington, D.C. recently, in my hotel. And this is not, like, an ominous or threatening thing, it was just a weird, connecting, uncomfortable moment. I was in the elevator with three other guys, and we were all strangers to each other, four total strangers. And a woman steps on the elevator, before the doors close. And she starts to talk to one of the guys. And she goes, “Hey, I just started working here, is there anything I can do to make your stay better?” And when she said that, of course, I had a couple of things come to… you know, but I figure it was just too awkward to blurt out. “You could eat my ass,” you know, I just figured that’s… because if that doesn’t get a laugh, that’s an ugly elevator ride! “What?” Oh, I was just… “So, nobody said anything. And she got off about three floors later. And then there was an uncomfortable silence between the four of us guys that were remaining. And one guy finally couldn’t hold it in. And he just blurts out, he goes, “Damn, there was a few things I wanted to tell her she could do to make my stay better!” And the other two guys were, like, “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!” And then finally, pussy-boy, Jim goes, “Yeah, me too, guys! I was thinking the same thing!” But then, I just kind of creeped everybody out, “She could have eaten all our asses, right guys? And then we could have killed her, huh?” Now, that’s not an ominous or scary thing, but the interesting thing to me was that four absolute strangers, independently, came to the exact same wrong conclusion! Because she was not being flirtatious, she wasn’t being sexual, she was dressed, you know, very professionally. Just trying to be nice. “Is there anything I can do to help…” We’re all, like, “Yeah… grrrrr!” Now, you probably attribute that to collective male immaturity. I think that’s male immaturity, to be very honest with you. Because from my hotel window, I could see the Washington Monument. I spent an hour staring at the Washington Monument holding up two apples, trying to snap a photo… Because to every guy I know, me licking a 500-foot dick is hilarious! It’s a really weird time for us culturally, isn’t it? It just seems like we’re kind of adjusting to all the new technology and the instant communication. And as a result of that, a lot of us are getting in trouble. And you know, it’s not even for things like, Jonah Hill had the outburst, or Anthony for what he said on Twitter. People are getting in trouble for what they said a long time ago! I mean, look at Paula Deen, and her… and by the way, the Paula Deen outrage, you’ve got to be very careful, because talking about race gets people in trouble. Talking about race gets white people in trouble. And by the way, that’s not black people’s fault, that’s white people’s fault. Because, you know, most white people… I can’t say all white people… but a lot of white people, whey they deal with race, they don’t deal with race. Their idea of addressing racism is just finding other white people to throw under the bus so they don’t look particularly bad. Because black people didn’t give a shit about Paula Deen. That was a bunch of fake white people going, “Could you believe she said the ‘n’ word?” Yes! She’s almost 70, from Georgia! I’m impressed she doesn’t have it tattooed on her knuckles! Because all white people want our black friends to know we’re not racist, but it’s an awkward conversation to have. You can’t just walk up to your black friends for no reason and go, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don’t say, ‘n i g g e r’! But I can show you someone who does!” And it was also, by the way, something she said 35 years ago. Thirty-five… that was embarrassing to me as an American. We’re going to go into each other’s pasts, 35 years, and find little things we… it’s not like she was driving down the street now with a GoPro hooked up and a bullhorn, just yellowing, “Attention, you at the bus stop, with the matching hat and shoes,” you know… And it was, like, it kind of made me cringe. I’m, like, are we really going to go over somebody’s history? Can any of us withstand that scrutiny of having our whole lives opened up? Can anybody say we’ve never said anything racist? Like, not once? You know, you never got cut off by an Asian guy and said, “Of course!” Never? Like, you never saw a Jew picking up a penny and tried to sneak a photo with your iPhone really fast? Good luck, they’re hard to get! They’re very fast! You’ll never get that one! You just got a sleeve, coming backwards, you know… But it annoyed me so much, because it was so fake. It was just a chance for people to use her to show everyone how wonderful and progressive they are. So, I was on Twitter. And I like Twitter, it’s a great place to have a rational discussion. And I was making fun of all the fake outrage about Paula Deen. I also wanted to bash Paula Deen. I don’t hate her. I thought she was great in Total Recall when her head came apart in the airport. But I don’t particularly like her. So, at one point, after I made fun of all the fake outrage, I tweeted, “By the way, just for the record, I do think that Paula Deen is a fat, irritating cunt!” Now, I know that sounds really harsh, but I put a little winky face and a smile. It was cute! And you know, you can never give a shit if somebody gets upset, because no matter what you say publicly, there’s always one person who wants to step in the line of fire on purpose, just to get upset, so they get a little attention for themselves. So, this big fat lady on Twitter gets mad at me because I used the word, “fat.” She’s, like, “Oh, Jim Norton”… it’s, like, first of all, the word “fat” there was not meant to attack fat people at all. I was simply using the word “fat” as kind of a gateway insult to get to “cunt.” That’s all I was doing! “Cunt” is obviously the point, but you can’t have “cunt” in the middle, because nothing follows it! “Cunt” has to be… “cunt” is not the single in the third inning, “cunt” is the walk-off home run in the bottom of the 11th! You know what you say after “cunt?” Ta daaa! That’s what you say! So, this woman gets really mad at me, and she @-mentions me, and she goes, “Oh, now Jim Norton is fat-shaming!” Unfollow! Oh! First of all, are you sure you’re not unfollowing me because I’m walking quickly? And second of all, can we stop with the victimizing terms, like, “fat-shaming,” all the time? Just because you mentioned a condition, it doesn’t mean you’re shaming victims! How come nobody accused me of “fat-shaming” the first 20 years of my career, when all I did was attack my awful torso onstage? I made a living for two decades mashing my… because first of all, I was 30 pounds heavier, and it was not evenly distributed. It was, like, between my pubis and my weak chin! Like a little bag of placenta! I would call myself an “ugly, unfuckable amoeba!” Patrice O’Neal said, “Jim Norton looks like any container you pour him in!” Nobody attacked Patrice, “Hey, that’s not right!” You know? I used to do a joke in my act, right? Talked about taking a dildo and duck-taping it between my almost-C-cup breasts, and killing myself with a gun on New Year’s Eve! Not one person ever said, “Hey, don’t go fat-shaming yourself, that’s…” No! They were more, like, Ahhh! “Do it, piggy tits! Ahhh!” And the way, you know, it’s funny, because I have dropped the weight, and, you know, there’s still… Would I be really annoying if I got cocky after I said that, and just trying to… People ask, like, “How do you drop the weight?” And it really is just from, you know, doing the right thing. Keeping it off is really hard. And one of the things that helped me keep the weight off, honestly, was, you kind of get used to compliments. And people are going, “Hey, you look like you lost some weight,” and it makes you feel good about yourself. And some of you understand this story. I was a… I’m an Ozzy Osbourne fanatic for my entire life. And I’ve met Ozzy many times, I’ve interviewed him over the years, and I never expect Ozzy to remember me, because there’s this really nasty rumor that he experimented with drugs in the ’80s… and the last time I saw him, not only did he recognize me, but he realized that I had lost weight. And it was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Ozzy walks in, and he goes, [Enlish accent] “Hey man, you’ve lost a lot of weight, you look great! What have you been doing?” And I was so blown away that Ozzy realized I lost weight, that I responded to him in an Irish accent! I have no idea why I did it! It wasn’t planned! He’s, like, “You lost weight, what have you been doing?” And I was, like, [Irish accent] “Ah, just going to the gym, eating better!” I swear to you, I didn’t… hey, if Ozzy compliments you, pretend you’re from somewhere else, you know? [Irish accent] “Ah, just lifting a few weights, man!” You know. I didn’t even realized I had done it until an hour later, when Anthony went, “What the fuck was that?” One of the most humiliating moments of my life, that I did that! And Bob Kelly, that piece of shit! If Bob gets hit by a bus tonight, it won’t be soon enough! He couldn’t have been happier! He had that audio on his phone, he was playing it for people who didn’t even know who the fuck I was! “Dude, listen to this fake piece of shit! Jim Norton… duh… he doesn’t even know who he is… duh… like, he’s from fucking Ireland!” There’s also a lot of concerns, it seems, I don’t know, are you guys concerned about your privacy going away? It really does seem like that’s been a big topic of conversation for the last few years; is that our privacy is being taken away. No, it’s not. It’s being given away, by us. And it’s not big brother, it’s not the government, we’re snitching on each other! We are tattling on each other! We’re the one taking each other’s private information and uploading it, and giving it to the newspapers. That’s us! Donald Sterling was a great test of how much do we value privacy in this country, and we failed miserably! We failed miserably, because he’s not a likable guy. And you can’t judge privacy by whether or not somebody is likable. I wish they would have caught him committing a crime! He didn’t deserve to lose a billion dollar franchise because he said nasty shit in his house! Like, wouldn’t it have been better if they caught him in a pedophile sting? Wouldn’t that have felt just something, like, “Ahh, bring in those kids, I’m going to fuck them all! But only the white ones, I don’t fuck black ones! I only fuck the white ones! Then people could sit around and go, “Ugghh! He’s a racist!” You know. And again, he’s not a nice guy, and his girlfriend was kind of a twat to tape him, but I didn’t like his little schoolboy answer. He’s not an empathetic character. “Oh, I thought that girl liked me!” You’re 80, she’s 35! If she’s fucking you, it’s for your money! And I’m not knocking that arrangement. That encourages me to work hard, and save my money and be somebody, so when I’m 80, I can fuck a 35-year-old! But I’m not going to be delusional about it and think she’s into it. Like, what do you think? That’s her fetish? She wants your rotten, silly-putty dick jammed into her? “Yeah, I’m going to give it to you slow!” Then his dementia kicks in, he just stops! She’s got to yell at him, “Donald!” “Ahh, who are you? You’ve got an Adam’s apple and a visor! Aargh!” Pisses on her leg, “Aargh!” But he’s a hard guy to empathize with, because he is a racist, you know? He’s not a hateful neo-Nazi type of racist, like, he doesn’t want to beat the shit out of black people, he is one of those really old guys who doesn’t even know he’s a racist. Like, he’s the type of guy who would meet President Obama and go, “Boy, you people sure have come a long way! You’re as good as I am!” And he was mad that his girlfriend was hanging out with all these world-class athletes and posting the pictures on social media, probably because his friends were giving him shit. And now, on the tape is that one funny moment, where she, like, has a picture with Magic Johnson. And he yells at her for it. And she’s, like, “Well, I happen to admire Magic Johnson!” And he’s, like, “Well, you can admire him, but do it privately! You could bring him over here, you could feed him and fuck him, just don’t post it on Instagram!” You’re encouraging her to fuck Magic Johnson? Donald, perhaps you haven’t heard… That’s the last guy you should be encouraging her to fuck! Let her fuck Kobe Bryant, or LeBron James, like, and then put on an oven mitt and jerk Magic off into the sink! Guy’s a billionaire, he has a 1980 Forrest Gump understanding of AIDS! “Why you coughing so much, Jenny?” You look really thin! Boy, him and Lieutenant Dan did really great with the ladies. “Forrest, this is my fat Asian wife, Susan, Forrest! We did really great with the chicks! Your wife weighs 40 pounds, and my wife looks like the guy who sang “Gingham Style”! Who knows, maybe Sterling did have dementia, I don’t know. Maybe that… they said that’s why they took the team, because his faculties weren’t all there. He didn’t look good in the Anderson Cooper interview. I don’t know if you guys remember that interview, but whenever you get in trouble, the first thing the lawyers tell you is shut the fuck up, don’t talk to anybody. And I’m always, like, no, go out there and speak up for yourself! But then I saw him in that Anderson Cooper interview, and I’m, like, “Oh, that’s why they tell you to shut the fuck up!” Not good! Jerry Sandusky did a better job of damage control in the Bob Costas interview. And that was not a good job of damage control, at all! “Why did you shower with them? “I just like when their hineys smell like shampoo, Bob! I like when we would wrestle around and our scrotums got tangled up like old phone cords! There was nothing wrong with those boys sleeping over and screaming into a pillow for an hour and a half, while my codependent, Brian-Dennehy-looking wife just stayed upstairs making cookies and whistling, so she couldn’t hear the screams!” Another fucking delusional spouse, “Who wants a cookie?” “Aha, ha, ha!” Ooh, someone needs a sugar cookie to dab those tears and bleeding assholes, doesn’t he?” So, look, maybe, you know, maybe his mental health wasn’t good, because Sterling, it seemed like that Anderson Cooper interview was going okay, and then it just went off the rails very suddenly, it was really bizarre. They were talking, and out of nowhere, Sterling goes, “And when has Magic Johnson done it so great?” And you could see Anderson Cooper was actually thrown by this. He’s, like, “Well, you know, he’s an entrepreneur, he’s started a lot of businesses.” And then Sterling just blurts out, “He’s got AIDS!” That’s the greatest example of an old man blurting shit out you’re ever going to see in your life! That’s the type of thing you’d expect an old guy to say when he’s walking, like, with his ass hanging out of a hospital gown. “Yeah, he’s got AIDS! He’s putting AIDS in my Jello and in my orange juice!” And it’s not even, you know, again, going into people’s pasts, or privacy invasions. You can also get in trouble in this culture that we’re in right now for giving an opinion that one segment of the population finds unpleasant. Like, we claim that we like honesty and open dialog, and then all we do is go after people for saying shit we don’t like! Phil Robertson, the patriarch of Duck Dynasty, in an interview with GQ said he was against gay marriage. And I don’t like that opinion, I think it’s stupid, and I’m all for gay marriage. But you shouldn’t be afraid to say you’re against it. You know? Because A&E was so full of shit, they pulled him off the air. They’re like, “We had no idea he felt that way!” I know, why would you? He’s only a born again Christian preacher! What are the odds he’s against gay marriage? A hundred percent! Those are the odds! The entire family looks like the Unabomber, how do you think they feel about gay people? Here’s the rule of thumb: When you say, “homosexuals,” you’re against gay marriage! And he said something like, “You know, I’m against homosexuality, bestiality, fornication.” And I understand why gay people were upset. I mean, I really do. I mean, no one wants to be mentioned right before “bestiality.” I get it! I don’t think gay people are being unreasonable to go, “Look, you don’t have to love us, but could you separate us from the dog fuckers by more than a comma, you piece of shit?” But he gets pulled off the air, and people were celebrating, and groups were happy. And that’s a very dangerous place to be in a free society. The only group that should have been happy he got in trouble are ducks! I understand if ducks hate Phil Robertson, because that duck whistle is responsible for a duck holocaust. So, I get it if they’re not a fan of his! And first of all, like, I don’t hunt ducks, so I don’t know anything about it. But I will say, if you have to trick a duck, you’re a shitty hunter! I’m sorry! Because ducks aren’t dangerous animals. You know, like a bear or an alligator, where it’s kill or be killed. This is kill, or wait a few more minutes! That’s all it is! You know, ducks are very, very… they’re very non-threatening. They have little, fat delicious stomachs, their legs are this long, they kick their own assholes when they run! They’re not hard to find. You’d think if you were that helpless, you’d kind of keep it on the D-L when you’re in the forest. But these idiots walk through like they’re the fucking mayor! “Raahh! Raahh! Raahh!” You don’t need to “trick a duck.” You know what you need to hunt a duck? Two ears and a hammer. That’s all you need to hunt a duck! Or, a piece of Wonder Bread, you impatient mother fucker! Just stand at the end of the lake and wave it! They don’t speak English, you could even tell them what you’re going to do! “Come here, little duck! I’m going to bash your brains in! Gonna bash them right the fuck in!” Ducks are so stupid; while one duck is eating the bread, you could pick the other duck up by the legs and Caligula-smash his head into a rock! The other ducks wouldn’t even flee! They’d all go, “Oh, look, he’s drying Murray off, how helpful!” You know how stupid ducks must feel when they fall for that duck call? How humiliating! They’re, like, [DUCK CALL], they’re, like, “Come on, guys, someone needs help!” You’re, like, pop pop pop, pop pop pop pop pop! “No, it’s okay, I think it’s just firecrackers!” It’s just a very scary time for privacy, and for stuff like that. And I think part of the reason we are so ill-equipped to handle everything is because we didn’t understand the technology that was coming. People are getting in trouble, because we’re responding immediately to things. And here’s why: Because nobody warned us about this. Nobody told us when we were in high school. Did anybody come to you, we talked about the future? They said things like, “Oh, you’re going to have flying cars,” or, you know, “Mom’s going to push a button and a pot roast will show up in the living room! Ooh! Good for mom!” No guidance counselor ever just said, “Jim, stay alive, because someday soon, you’re going to have a six-inch glass telephone that you can use to photograph your dick! And you can send it to any girl in the world!” I wouldn’t even ask if it made phone calls! We’re losing the ability to pause. Now, I have a lot of dick photos on my phone. And that’s easy for me to say as a comedian. I know as regular people, I have a little more leeway than you do; you know, you’re a schoolteacher, you can’t go on Facebook, “Took a great cock shot! L-O-L!” I had so many pictures of my dick on my phone, I can’t hand my phone to a family member. Like, if I was having a stroke, and my mother was, like, “Quick! I’ll call the hospital!” I would have to go, “Fuck it! I’ll be all right, ma!” But, you know, it’s so easy to ruin somebody’s life. And once again, we’re not punishing the people who are releasing the information, who are doing the life-ruining. We’re actually penalizing the people whose stuff is stolen, and whose text messages and shit are posted online! Like, Anthony Weiner in New York is a great example. I don’t know much about his politics, I just know that people who voted for him felt that he really did what they wanted him to do, and his career is ruined because of stupid dick pictures! And people were, like, “He used very poor judgment!” I thought he used wonderful judgment! He wasn’t cheating on his wife at all, he was just talking to her! He didn’t risk disease, he didn’t risk pregnancy. He didn’t waste gas! That, to me, is an excellent… by the way, and it shows you how full of shit people are! Because how many years have we been saying, “Why can’t we get a regular guy elected to office?” That was the best shot we’re ever going to have! Because what says “regular guy” more than a man who gets in trouble sending a photo of his dick, and then does it again? He did it again! When he did it the second time, every guy in this country should have said, “I’m going to follow this guy to the White House, because he understands who I am!” And the pictures were not good. I mean, we all saw the picture. I mean, it was something that he really… that had… he had a towel around it, he had a hard-on tenting, and his body, and his face. And when I saw that he had put his face and his heart on in the same picture, I wanted to hug him! Like, come here, you rookie, get over here! What is the matter with you? Never! I’ll send my face, I’ll send my dick. Never in the same photo! I won’t even take those pictures in the same room, so you can put them together later in Photoshop! Like, if you want a picture of my face, I’ll go outside and stand in front of a tree, or have some sunshine. And then, if you want my dick, I’ll, like, open the refrigerator, hang it in front of the vegetable drawer, you know. I’ll move, obviously, the zucchinis and cucumbers, and put in some baby carrots! But it’s easy to get in trouble, because the immediacy… like, you know, we’re all, you know, horny. You’re talking to somebody, there’s no pause anymore! You’re talking to a girl, you’re texting, she’s, like, “I want to see your dick!” You’re, like, “You want to see my fucking dick? There’s my fucking dick! Oh my God, I ruined my life! Oh, my God! And now, there’s pre-cum in my hair! Oh, my God!” I don’t think we’re any worse now than we used to be, we just… years ago, you couldn’t do that, because the technology didn’t exist to do it. Men were the same 30 years ago. You know, in the mid -’80s, you’d be talking to a girl, like, “You want to see my dick? I’ll show you my fucking dick! Sit tight!” You’d have to go get the Polaroid out, try to line up the shot, and your dick would never get hard for the photo. Remember the old fluff? You’d have to do the fluff, and then try to move your hand out of the way, to snap the picture on the upswing. You never got it, it was always, like, that… And then finally, you’d just kind of pinch the back of the head and hold it out. You looked like a lioness holding her cub! Oh! Then, you’d have to get in the car, drive it to her house, beep the horn, roll down the window, “Here’s my blurry, thin dick, stupid,” drive away… You couldn’t claim temporary insanity in 1984. “I didn’t know what I was doing,” you paid three tolls before you gave her your dick picture, what are you talking about? And you couldn’t ruin somebody’s life instantly. You couldn’t have one moment of vindictiveness back then, and ruin someone’s life. Now, you just push a button, and somebody’s judgment error is uploaded into the consciousness of the entire planet! Thirty years ago, you wanted to wreck a life with a dick photo? Door to door operation! [Knock] Guess who? “I don’t know, it’s kind of small, and he’s wearing a Black Sabbath shirt. It’s either Jim Norton or a five-year-old with great music taste!” And don’t get me wrong. You know, I’m not blaming technology for what we’ve turned into. I’m just saying the immediacy makes our decision-making, you know, a little more important. And I was a pervert long before a computer… this is how long I’ve been a pervert. I used to rent pornography from Rite Aid Pharmacy! Does anybody remember 30 years ago, when Rite Aid had a video rental section, and we didn’t own a VCR. I would walk a mile to the video store. And you were allowed to rent three porno tapes, which was the maximum, which I think was my fault, because the first time I walked in pushing a hand truck! And I think they were, like, “Somebody better flag this kid, or he’s going to need Tommy John surgery before he’s 18!” And they didn’t have the pornos displayed all over the pharmacy. They had, like, regular movies. And if you wanted to see the pornos, there was a binder behind the counter that had photos of all the box covers in it. So, you’d have to wait until the counter cleared out, then you’d walk over and go, like, “Uh, can I see the binder, please?” They put on those gloves they use to train a falcon! And then you’d have to pick out three movies that you were going to watch for two days. So, your addiction couldn’t go all over the place, you had to make a decision. “All, right, maybe I’ll get, like, a little girl-girl, and maybe I’ll wind up getting a little interracial porn, is always good.” Then you get the one you pretend you don’t know is transsexuals. Just hope it’s not the same guy behind the counter when you bring it back, because then you’ve got to make up an excuse. “Hey, I thought this was chicks with detectives! That’s the third time you got me with this one!” But now, man, you don’t have to make decisions. You can just open one of these porn megasites, and look at anything you want. And that really exacerbates your sexual addiction. I’m not saying it causes it, but it does make it a lot worse. I want to know how many things become fetishes that guys click on, just to have a laugh. Like, how many guys have clicked on a video, and, like, “This girl is going to shit in this guy’s face!” [Laughs] “Oh, for Pete’s sake!” And the whole, like, pretending you’re young thing is just bizarre. Like, I don’t mind the Catholic school girl skirt. That’s kind of sexy. But I don’t like when 30-year-old woman walks into my bedroom, “I didn’t do my homework!” “Do it, retard! What do you want me to tell you?” “Spank me! I was late for school!” Nobody gets spanked for being late for school anymore! What is this, 1953 dirty talk? “Ooh, spank me, I served a negro at the counter at Woolworth’s today!” Update your dirty talk to the new millennium! “Ooh, you brought in muffins, even though some of the kids have peanut allergies! Naughty! “You didn’t give a Valentine’s Day card to the Muslim boy, you’re not all-inclusive, young lady! Oh! I’ve just… you know, I think part of the problem for me is I’ve been so open about how dirty I am for so long, it just makes women not want to go out with me. Like, ah, any guy ever been fucked with a strappon? Cool! No no, I’ll bite the bullet on this one, it’s fine! I’ve tried. I’ve never actually been able to go through with it. Because it’s only because physically, my body won’t take… a lot of guys are, like, “What, what, are you fucked by a guy?” No, at this point… But there’s just something perverse about a woman with a fake dick, and she’s going to wreck your asshole! There’s just something that I kind of, like, I don’t know! But I’ve never been able to go through with it, because for some reason, you know, whenever a strappon is hitting my… my asshole reacts like an eye with a finger in it, just… And I’ve tried a few times, I just… I’m finally going to have to give up on it. The last time I tried, I was in Los Angeles with a woman, and I was laying on my back, and she’s kneeling between my legs. And my legs were draped over her thighs. And she was jabbing a sixteenth of an inch in. And that was all I needed. I was happy with that. She’s, like, “I’m going to go farther in.” I’m, like, “No! No!” Like, I’m trying not to get her to piss on the rug! “No!” Sixteenth of an inch was fine! I’m tweedling my nipples, “Oh, I’m a bitch! I’m a bitch!” My poor dick was just curled up, limp and shivering like a wet Chihuahua! “Oh, what am I doing? Who is he? I don’t know who he is anymore! What is this invader?” But then she pushes it in about a half inch, which was a bad move, because I had had vegetable juice, which tends to make me a little gassy! And I told her, like, “Do NOT push it… no! No!” Because she was going to pull it out, “NO!” I’m, like, “We have a situation, here!” I wanted her to take off that strappon, leave it in my asshole, and go home! But she thought she knew better, and she pulled back… You know what happens when the door of an airplane gets ripped off at 30,000 feet? And she couldn’t even get up, because my legs were over her thighs, so, she just kind of had to go back, like that. I have never been prouder of myself in my entire life! Because fuck her, “no” means NO! Thank you guys very much. I love ya! I appreciate you coming! Thank you! I love you, Boston! Thank you very much, guys! I appreciate it!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

JIM GAFFIGAN: NOBLE APE (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-noble-ape-full-transcript/

BOY: That’s Mom and Dad. [hip-hop music] MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan! [cheers and applause] Thank you! Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my gosh, you make me feel only 20 pounds overweight. “Oh, look at his beard. He’s…” He’s got quite a beard. “He looks like an out of shape Civil War general.” My dearest Peggy… it has been a fortnight since I have had a salad. I love my beard. You grow a beard and strangers are fascinated. I have strangers coming up to me, “Hey, why’d you grow your beard out?” “I joined Al-Qaeda.” “Don’t even joke around about that.” But you can ask about facial hair, right? You can’t be like, “Hey, how long you had” the man boobs? “Are they natural?” Now you’re looking at my man boobs. To me they’re beautiful. When do I get a Dove commercial? I’m talking about the Dove ice cream bar which barely cleans your body and is less racist. Thank you for coming out. It is great to be here. Thank you so much. It is… It’s been a crazy year for me. Crazy year. I don’t know if you know, in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor. I’m not even making this up. It was removed. She’s great. – Everything’s good. Thank you. – [cheers and applause] I didn’t remove it. I was in the other room soiling myself, but… the tumor is gone along with my ability to ever win another argument. It’s not like I was winning a lot before, but now I’m retired. And luckily my wife’s not the type to bring it up. Well, once she did. She was like, “You know”, I did have brain surgery.” And I couldn’t be like, “Yeah, that was like a month ago.” It’s time to move on, you know? What about my seasonal allergies? “We all have our cross to bear.” It was crazy. You know, the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear… Which is scary, but also confusing. I was like, “Did he go to med school or a farmer’s market?” But tumors are often compared to fruit. A pear, a lemon, a grapefruit. Interesting fact, worst tumor, grapefruit. Worst fruit, grapefruit. When you think about it, a grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit. I must feel sorry for grapefruit. “Yeah, we can’t win, you know?” We’re already the worst fruit, now we’re compared to the worst tumor? “Well, at least we help old people poop.” That is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever. It’s kind of unfortunate that there’s another fruit that’s much smaller named “grape” ’cause you know there’s situations in doctor’s offices, “We found a tumor, it’s the size of a grape…” “Thank God.” “I didn’t finish… Grapefruit.” “Oh, that’s… That’s very different.” It was strange. You know, when the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a pear, I thought, “Wow, I guess doctors are bad at analogies.” But I quickly realized they’re just dumbing it down for idiots like me. Like the surgeon looked at me and thought, “Well, this guy’s not gonna understand centimeters.” I don’t even wanna try and explain circumference. Based on appearance, he doesn’t eat fruit, but… he’s probably seen a pear… “when he’s at the grocery store buying ice cream.” I don’t know why the surgeon sounds like Andy Rooney. [as Andy Rooney] You ever notice tumors look like fruit? [normal voice] By the way, if you don’t know who Andy Rooney is, you’re a child. And if you do know who Andy Rooney is, you should probably eat more grapefruit. Tumors compared to fruit. They’re… They’re sometimes compared to balls like a golf ball or a softball, but the surgeon looked at me and thought, “I’m gonna stick with food. I got a better shot at this fat ass understanding.” I joke around, but it was scary. We have five children and there were moments when I was like, “Oh, my gosh, if anything” happens to my wife, those five kids are gonna be put up for adoption. Some of these jokes are just for the fathers. My wife was so amazingly strong and brave during this whole experience. For three months after the surgery she couldn’t eat solid foods and her friends would send us the most delicious food. She couldn’t eat. So I found myself hiding the food and secretly eating it. “This is like a whole new eating disorder for me.” Am I supposed to feel shame ’cause I’m helping my wife! “Really I’m a hero.” She mostly ate Jell-O. Jell-O. You know what they make Jell-O out of? Bones and hooves. I always thought that was an urban legend. Bones and hooves. What kind of mad man… “Let me have the bones and hooves,” I’ve got an idea for a kid’s dessert. It’ll be huge. We’ll get Cosby to do the commercials. Everyone trusts him. Anyone using the eyeballs? I can make an abacus. “I’ve got tons of ideas.” They say laughter is the best medicine… and it is, after you’ve received real medicine… from a real medical professional. Prior to that, you don’t want any laughter. You don’t want a doctor giggling during an exam. [laughing] “Oh, my gosh, this is your body?” Wow, nice man boobs.” My wife had the surgery in New York City at a hospital named Mount Sinai. I’ve noticed that a lot of hospitals in the U.S. are either named after Saints or ancient places in Israel which is not that reassuring when you think about it. It’s like, “Hi, welcome to our hospital.” We’re all about science which is why our building is named after the place God talked to Moses as a burning bush. Over here’s our Casper the Ghost wing… next to our Astrology Center. Do you like UFOs? We love those. “We’re all about science.” Spent two weeks in the hospital. People what work in hospitals are truly amazing people. – [cheering] – They are. So nice and supportive. It makes you suspicious, right? Are they stealing the drugs? They’re a little too excited to be around sick people in pajamas. And when I say “sick,” I’m not talking about the positive slang, right? ‘Cause that’s… that’s part of our language, right? “That jacket is sick!” But you don’t want a medical professional to be like, “Your test results are sick! I mean, let me clarify, you’re dying.” It’s got to be hard to work in a hospital. That hospital lighting. Everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting. I walked in, they’re like, “We should get you to the ER.” “I’m just here to see my wife.” “Well, you have jaundice.” See? Compared to… Oh, my gosh! I have jaundice, too! “We all have jaundice!” When my wife would nap, I would go to the cafeteria. Hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment, but they’re still serving food like it’s Shawshank Redemption. How about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station? “Jim, you’re a monster.” There’s different sections in hospitals. There’s the Emergency Room, the Intensive Care Unit. Which sound scary, but I don’t know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit. It kind of implies the rest of the hospital’s like, “Look, we care, but we’re not gonna be a spaz about it.” “I get a phone call, I’m gonna take it, right?” We’re like the Mediocre Care Unit. Which is better than We Couldn’t Care Less Unit. “Those guys are horrible.” It’s wild. My wife was in surgery for ten hours. And before the surgery, the surgeon told me, he goes, “Half way through I’ll probably stop and get lunch.” I don’t need to know that. Why even tell me that? Was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria? “What are you doing here?!” “I get these cravings. Those Snickers commercials are true.” But he was a great brain surgeon. We learned later on that he’s like the best. I don’t know how they determine the best brain surgeon. You know, maybe there’s a competition. America’s Got Tumors. Heidi Klum thought he was the best. The best brain surgeon. Isn’t it enough that someone’s a brain surgeon? None of us could even get in Med School. A brain surgeon goes to medical school, afterwards, specializes in neurology, after that, specializes in surgery of the brain, and we’re like, “Yeah, but are they any good?” “Yeah, they’re a brain surgeon!” You know what they do with the bad brain surgeons? They don’t let them become brain surgeons. Can you imagine the pressure on a brain surgeon? At no point during their workday can they say, “Hey, it ain’t brain surgery.” ‘Cause it’s always brain surgery! Every day! “What’d you do at work, honey?” “Brain surgery!” “That’s fun. You want some fruit?” “Never!” My wife had a… she had an amazing team of doctors. She had the brain surgeons. She also had an ear, nose, and throat doctor. Ear, nose, and throat. That kinda sound like they didn’t make the cut for brain surgeon. “I wanna be a brain surgeon.” “You know what? Let’s stick with the ears, nose, and throat. “You’d be better with the things surrounding the brain.” “Can I have the eyes?” “You know what? Let’s stick with the ears, nose, and throat. “We promised the eyes to the nerd at LensCrafters.” “Why pick an Optometrist?” Those ear, nose, and throat doctors, they must look at dentists and think, “Just teeth? That’s it? What about the tongue?” “Not the tongue, just the teeth.” “You just work on teeth? Surgery on teeth?” “Oh, I don’t do the surgery. That’s the orthodontist.” I mostly scrape stuff off of teeth… while I listen to ’80s music. “I love Debbie Gibson.” When you think about it, dentist, they don’t do the surgery, they don’t even clean the teeth. They’re like, “You guys do everything and then I’ll come in” and jab ’em with a sharp object… “while I listen to Debbie.” I did figure out what type of doctor I would want to be, which is an anesthesiologist. ‘Cause just once I’d like to walk in a room and go, “Hi, I’m Dr. Gaffigan. I’m gonna give you some drugs” so you can’t talk or move… and one of these strangers is gonna cut you open. “Good luck.” What draws someone to anesthesiology? It’s like, “I like medicine, but I really enjoy” getting people high. If I could combine the two. “I also prefer to sit during surgery.” You ever see the anesthesiologist during surgery? They’re always sitting there like… “I don’t even know why I have to be here.” Yeah, they’re still alive. “Anyone got the WiFi password?” But I have a newfound respect for doctors. I do. ‘Cause when you think about it, unless we’re sick, we listen to absolutely nothing doctors tell us. They’re like, “You should lose weight.” “Never gonna happen. What else you got?” “You should exercise.” “Does eating French fries count?” “Get out of my office.” I don’t even listen when I bring my kids to the doctor. The doctor’s like, “To avoid an infection…” I’m like, “De de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de.” My wife’s like, “What’d the doctor say?” “Don’t pick the scab. I don’t listen to nerds!” That was the only time I would ever see a doctor. Is when I bring my kids in. Sometimes I’d try and horn in on a pediatric appointment. The doctor’d be like, “How’s little Mikey doing?” “Mikey’s good. He’s good.” He’s a little worried about this mole I have on my arm. Yeah, I explained to Mikey that I’ve always had the mole, “but Mikey thinks it might’ve changed colors.” “Jim, would you like to make an appointment?” “No, it’s Mikey. He just needs a thumbs up” or a thumbs down on the mole. I know Mikey doesn’t want to play the Hippocratic Oath card, “but you have to tell us, don’t you?” I’m mostly healthy. I, uh, worked out today. I know I don’t need to. When I’m home in New York City, I workout at the Chinatown YMCA. And I realize when people hear “the Chinatown YMCA” they think, “Oh, that’s not like a serious place to workout.” And it’s not. It’s not at all. It’s mostly little kids learning how to swim and really old, Chinese people with their parents. I didn’t even know you could live to that age. But I tell you, watching a 90 year old on an elliptical, really inspires me to die in my 70s. It looks like a machine is eating someone’s grandma. But I love my Y, you know? It’s… It’s different from a normal health club. There’s never moments when you think, “Oh, my gosh, look at how much weight that guy’s lifting.” It’s more like, “Oh, my gosh, that guy’s smoking…” on a treadmill in dress pants.” It’s very business-casual. Sure my Y doesn’t have some of the amenities, but it also doesn’t have the normal health club distractions. I don’t have to deal with loud music or people that are in shape. I walk around my Y and I’m like, “You know what?” I’m doing okay. Maybe I should teach a class. Hi, welcome to advanced elliptical. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have workout clothes on, we’re not gonna be raising our heart rate. So let’s step on, pick a show, and think about what we’re gonna eat. Okay, who’s having a burger, huh? “Let’s practice eating fries.” I’m ignored at my Y. I’m ignored at all health clubs. Like, when I walk into a fitness area, even in a hotel, people always look at me like, “I didn’t know they serve food here.” The only people that approach me are personal trainers. They’re like, “You looking for a personal trainer?” “Uh, no.” “You should be.” So I’ve gotten to the point, if I’m approached by a personal trainer, I just act like they’re hitting on me. They’re like, “Hey, how you doing?” “I’m married.” “Uh, I don’t think you unders…” “I understand perfectly! You wanna get with me… “but I’m taken, so you can look, but no touchie.” I got to do some international shows this year. I performed in Japan for the first time – which was amazing. – [cheers and applause] I mean, I wasn’t in Japan just for stand-up, I was also modeling. I wish that wasn’t that funny. But Japan… The Japanese are just… They’re… they’re better at being human. Can we admit that? They’re… You know, they’re more polite, they’re better at design. The Japanese toilet. Are you familiar with the Japanese toilet? The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it. The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes… and that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom. You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in. You leave an American public restroom with PTSD. Your only thought is, “How can I forget that experience?” Is there alcohol nearby?” The entire time I was in Japan I felt overweight. Probably ’cause I am overweight, but generally the Japanese are thin. I mean, there are people that are overweight in Japan, but not like in America. We’re better at not being thin. ‘Cause if you get really fat in Japan, they make you Sumo wrestle. They make their fat people fight each other… To entertain the thin people! And the fat people in Japan go along with it! “Why am I doing this?” “It’s prestigious. Now you try and push that other fat ass out of the circle while we try not to giggle… [giggles] But first, throw on this giant diaper “and put your hair in a bun. It’s very dignified.” The Japanese are quiet and polite. They’re like the opposite of my children. I had my kids with me and they were always making loud noises. Occasionally, I would catch a Japanese person looking at my poorly behaved kids and then they would look at me and I’d always say the same thing, “We’re Canadian.” Of course, we’re not Canadian, but… that is what some Americans do when they travel internationally. They tell people they’re Canadian. Which I think is cowardly. That’s why I always tell people I’m North Korean. Then I get the respect I deserve! How much attention does the country of North Korea need at this point? Every two days North Korea’s like, “We’re gonna blow up the world!” Isn’t there a party that’s like, “Then just do it.” “Get it over with, you spaz.” “Jim, don’t even joke around about that.” What if someone from North Korea was in the audience? “They have a missile program.” It’s kinda fun tracking the North Korean missile program, right? They’re like, “North Korea” has missiles that can reach Alaska.” “Oh, my gosh, Alaska?! Well, I don’t know anyone that lives in Alaska.” “North Korea has missiles that can reach the West Coast.” “Oh, my gosh, the West Coast? Well, I don’t go there that often.” “North Korea has missles that can reach the East Coast.” “Whoa! We gotta do something about this! Now we’re talking about real people!” – [cheers and applause] – Oh, thank you. I did some shows in China. All in Chinese. I picked it up at the Y. It’s not that hard. It wasn’t that complicated. You visit some places and you think, “All right”, there’s a language barrier, but I can get by.” In China I was like, “Oh, if I got lost I would die here.” I wouldn’t last a half a day. Everyone’s looking at me like I’m a ghost anyway. The Chinese were very nice. They were fascinated with my pale, blonde children. Many of them wanted pictures with my kids. They didn’t really ask. They just grabbed a kid. “Can I have a picture with this one?” “I guess you’re gonna.” And when they were done with the picture, they would rub my blonde kid’s head ’cause you know, they’re my kids, but they’re also lucky objects. And after this happened a couple times I was like, “Hey! We should charge, right?” China was fascinating and exhausting. I brought my kids to The Great Wall, we saw the Terracotta Warriors, we walked through the Forbidden City, we rode in a ricksha, and when we were leaving I asked my five year old, I said, “What was your favorite part of China?” And he said, “I liked that time we saw the truck with the pigs on it.” ‘Cause at one point, we were stuck in traffic and this truck pulled up and it had pigs in cages. And that was his favorite part. After the 15 hour flight. And I remember when that truck pulled up ’cause I remember looking at those pigs and feeling sorry for them, but those pigs looked happy. It was almost like the pigs were looking at me and my five screaming kids and going, “Well, at least we’re not that slob.” I do enjoy travelling to other countries. Seeing how different, but essentially similar we all are. Like the U.K. is not that different from the U.S.. You know, if anything, you go over there and it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans. They’re like, [British accent] “Oh, you drive on the right side” of the road? Then… then we’re gonna drive on the left side of the road. Oh, you call your mother ‘mom’? Then we’re gonna call ours… ‘mum’. Oh, you call that a cookie? “Then we’re not going to the dentist.” [normal voice] You know that’s true. [cheers and applause] I did notice something when I was over there. You know, British people, they don’t say “the” before “hospital.” You ever notice that? They’re like, [British accent] “Hospital? I was feeling knackered so I went to hospital.” [normal voice] Whenever they would do that, I’d say, “Stop that. That’s wrong and weird.” Are you trying to sound like a polite caveman? And I had a friend from London, he was like, [British accent] “What makes you think you’re doing it properly?” [normal voice] And I go, “‘Cause I’m American and we invented the English language.” It was a pet peeve of mine. So I did some research. You know why British people don’t say “the” before hospital? ‘Cause they’re dicks. “Jim!” I know that sounds harsh, but admit it! British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage. [British accent] “Ugh, may I help you?” Are you lost? “[shudders]” [normal voice] Obviously, I love the Brits and I would never do those jokes there. I have been lucky enough to perform in the U.K. a couple times and one time I was walking through Piccadilly Circus… Which, for the record, is a horrible circus. There’s no animals. No, I was walking through Piccadilly Circus and I saw they had an M&M store and I looked at that M&M store and it just made me think of all the things the British have given the Americans. Like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta, and I looked at the M&M store and I thought, “Now we’re even.” When I looked at the M&M store, I wasn’t even embarrassed to be American, I was ashamed to be human ’cause has anyone at any point in their life thought, “When are they gonna open an M&M store?” Sure, I can buy M&Ms absolutely anywhere, but I like to buy in bulk… “in a pro-M&M environment.” Obviously, we don’t need an M&M store. We don’t even need different colored M&Ms. They all taste the same. They’re just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil. With an M on it. They’re not even M&Ms. They’re Ms! We don’t do that with anything else. “You want some raisin & raisins? Go ahead, grab a handful of raisin & raisins.” No, I don’t even know how many M&Ms or Ms they would have to sell in London to justify Piccadilly Circus real estate, but this M&M store is massive in the U.K.. It is three levels… Which I guess makes sense, ’cause the first level so you can buy M&Ms, the second level so you can buy more M&Ms, and then the third level so you can jump to your death ’cause you wasted time in an M&M store when you were in London! By the way, I don’t have any judgement. If you personally enjoy going to the M&M store, that’s fine, but, obviously, you shouldn’t vote. [cheers and applause] I was with my kids at the time and they wanted to go to the M&M store, ’cause little children only wanna do horrible things. Kids never wanna do something fun like sit in a dark bar and drink beer. And I remember standing there with my kids and I was aware that there were other parents with their children in the M&M store ’cause that’s what you do as a parent. You do things with your kids ’cause you love them, but I realized in that moment I don’t love my kids that much. I love them enough to walk by the M&M store. “Jim, you’re a monster.” But being a parent is not that different from being a tourist. It’s essentially the same experience. In both you walk around exhausted spending money you don’t have while you look for a bathroom. It’s the same experience. You know? Thank you. [cheers and applause] I, uh… I was recently given a gift certificate for a massage which I will never use because I’m not one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’ve gotten a massage before, but I just… I find it hard to justify a massage like, “You know what I deserve?” To have someone I don’t know rub my body. “Let’s make that happen people.” ‘Cause massages are always from strangers. We get massages from strangers ’cause we can’t count on the people who love us to touch us. Right? I mean, it could be your best friend. “You see that guy? I’d take a bullet for him. I’m not giving him a massage. I’m no queer.” My wife, the woman I love, the mother of my children, here’s my massage, “You good? That’s… my hand’s cramping.” So we pay total strangers. “Hey, I know nothing about you, why don’t I take off my clothes” and climb on this padded dining room table? “Then you can do whatever you want.” We know nothing about these people. I don’t even ask if they’re masseuse. “Oh, you’re dressed like an orderly in a mental ward,” why don’t I get in the most vulnerable position I can think of? How about face down on the donut pillow? Does that work for you? ‘Cause then I can look at your feet “and imagine you’re grabbing knives.” What do we really know about massage therapists? They like to rub strangers for money while they listen to the Avatar soundtrack. That’s a red flag! Those are the traits of a serial killer! I never know what to say during a massage. Sometimes I’ll try and break the ice. I’ll be like, “Hey, you’re not allergic to leprosy, are ya?” They never laugh ’cause they’re busy imagining making a suit out of my skin. ‘Cause they’re murderers. They already put the lotion in the basket. – [cheers and applause] – Thank you. I don’t even know what type of massage I’m getting when I get a massage. “Do you want a deep tissue, a shiatsu, or a Swedish massage?” I’m like, “I’ll take the blonde.” I don’t know. ‘Cause men view massages differently. A woman gets a massage her friends are like, “Good for you.” A guy gets a massage, “You dirty dog, eh!” ‘Cause men sexualize all human interaction. “It was a therapeutic massage.” “How therapeutic?” “Nothing happened.” “Yeah, that’s what we’ll tell your wife, huh?” That’s gotta be frustrating for massage therapists. That double meaning. “Did you get a massage or a massage?” No other occupation has to deal with it. “Did you get a cavity filled or a cavity filled?” “How many dentistry references is he gonna have?” For me, a massage is just an hour of awkwardness, right? She gets done, she leaves the room, I put on the robe, I step outside, she hands me a glass of water. I always look at her and go, “You’re never gonna call me. What a charade.” I did have one massage therapist, she told me they’re allowed to turn people down. I don’t know why she told me that. [chuckles] It was after a show. Can you imagine getting turned down by a massage therapist? That’s rough. “Yeah, you couldn’t pay me to touch you. Not for all the money on the planet.” Massages, that’s how some people relax. Some people relax in a hot sauna. And sure, who doesn’t love recreating the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano? I don’t understand the appeal of a sauna. Here’s every experience I’ve had in a sauna. I’m like, “Okay, I’m gonna get a sweat going”, it’s gonna be really good for me. Here we go. It’s time to get out, right? “I don’t wanna overdo it.” What is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box next to a pile of smouldering rocks? I always look at the rocks like, “Whoever’s cookin’ the rocks,” they’re done. “That’s a wrap on the rock cookin’.” And to make the sauna more enjoyable, you’re always seated next to a naked, 80-year-old man. “Oh, good, I get to sweat next to someone’s grandpa who’s only wearing a hand towel.” The nudity in the sauna seems unnecessary. This isn’t Rome. I just look around the sauna like, “Wow…” so this is why we wear clothes, huh?” So we may eventually eat. In Finland… In Finland where they invented the sauna, they relax in Finland by drinking vodka in the sauna. Which might explain why we’ve never read any Finnish literature. Vodka in the sauna? Actually, the Fins, they pronounce it, “Sao-na” ’cause they’re wasted. [slurred speech] “You wanna go to the ‘sao-na’ and drink some ‘bodka’?” Drinking vodka in a sauna? You know what kind of ideas you come up with? An M&M store. – [cheers and applause] – Thank you. In Finland… In Finland, I was invited to take a sauna. I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and I could think is, “Is fun illegal here?” Like what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing? I can’t believe cross-country skiing’s even a sport. “Hey, you know that awkward part in downhill skiing” where you’re trying to get over to the lift? What if we just did that? Whoo! This is fun! And to turn around…” “You know what? Don’t turn around. “Let’s go across the country.” People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable. Right? Some of those winter activities should get you committed. It’s like, “Look, we love you, we’re just worried.” I mean, yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet. This morning, we saw you sweeping the frozen lake. What’s next? You sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs? “Get some help.” Oh, I did one of those genetic tests. I was surprised to find out I’m all Asian. You do learn things from those genetic tests. Like I discovered I wasted 100 bucks. [laughter] They send you information. Mine just said, “Dude, you’re white.” In fact, you’re very white. “I hope you feel guilty.” They didn’t even break down my nationality. They just highlighted all the British Isles. They’re like, “You’re trash from here. Wherever people need sunscreen.” But what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests? Like, “Oh, my gosh! I’m related to my ancestors!” We’re only gonna find out bad news. You see it in the commercials. I thought I was Italian, but it ends up, my great-grandma was a whore. [laughter] So I guess I’m Eastern European. Sometimes people think I’m saying. Eastern Europeans are whores and… I am. No. My point is, only good family news is passed along. Like, if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln, you’d already know that, but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk, your grandpa’s likely to go, “Uh, I don’t remember.” I think he worked in a bar. “Chief gutter inspector.” I do know I have some Irish ancestry, but, apparently, the Irish didn’t keep great records ’cause, well, draw your own conclusion. Something tells me they weren’t busy sunbathing. I’m Irish, but I have blonde hair. Supposedly, the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is ’cause the Vikings invaded, pillaged, and probably other stuff. Those Vikings, the Scandinavians, I don’t know if you’ve been to Sweden, it’s like a whole country of Scarlett Johanssons. If I was in Ireland at that time, I would’ve been, “Oh, no, some Viking ladies coming to pillage me.” I guess I’ll hide on this bed covered in rose petals. Hopefully she can help me put together that table. [laughter] [cheers and applause] They say last names can tell you something. Like if your last name is Cooper, that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels. If your last name is Canter, that means somebody along the line was a singer. My last name is Gaffigan, which is Gaelic for “highly anxious.” And when I learned that, all I could feel was… highly anxious. I mean… how anxious do you have to be for people to go, “You should go with it as your name.” “Why’s that?” “That’s what we call you anyway.” It does seem like some last names were chosen to impress, right? You know, someone’s like, “You know what?” I want the ladies to know I’m successful, so I’m gonna go with the last name, ‘Goldman.’ Goldman, what are you going with? “Weiner.” “I want the ladies to know I like hotdogs.” But who knows? Maybe last names mean nothing. You know, where I’m from in Indiana, there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper. That’s his name. And there are billboards. “Come see Tom Raper.” And people go. “Well, we should check it out.” Now I don’t know why we would let someone named Raper sell RVs. They are essentially mobile crime scenes. If my last name were Raper, I wouldn’t leave the house. How do you even go out to dinner? “Party of two. Raper. Is there a Raper here?” Are there family reunions? “Are you a Raper? I’m a Raper.” Is this your son? He looks just like a Raper. “It’s so fun getting all the Rapers together.” In Milwaukee, I stayed in a hotel named The Fister. That was the name. The Fister. And… And, obviously, they were sensitive to it sounding weird, so they added a P at the front. So it was The Pfister. Hey, it worked for Michelle Pfeiffer. And that hotel was started by a man named Guido Pfister who thought, “My name’s Guido Pfister, why don’t I go into hospitality?” Guido Pfister? His name sounds like an ethnic slur. “Get outta here, you Guido Pfister! Go pfist somewhere else!” [laughter] I don’t know if you can tell by looking at me, but I’m kinda obsessed with not being interested in fashion. It’s, uh, something I care deeply not about. And I’m aware that not being into fashion is a fashion choice, right? How annoying is that? It’s like, “Oh, you’re not into fashion? That means you’re an norm core.” Why can’t I just wear clothes to cover my disgusting body? Why must it be a choice? ‘Cause the only choice I make when it comes to clothing is “does it still fit me?” I don’t know if you’ve had an opportunity to fat out of clothes. That’s a special feeling. There are watershed moments in your life, right? When you hold your newborn child or you fat out of a T-shirt. It’s amazing ’cause you don’t even go to the obvious conclusion. You’re like, “Well, this shirt used to fit.” I haven’t grown since I was a teenager. Oh! I’m a fatass! “Well, time for a burrito.” The best is when you pack for a trip and you fat out of clothes, but you don’t realize until you get there. [laughs] You sit there and you go, “Well, I guess I can wear that as long as I don’t” breathe out… “or sit down.” You ever wear a shirt you can’t sit down in? “Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna stand.” I know it’s Thanksgiving. I’m more thankful standing. “Better angle for carving.” I still have all the clothes that don’t fit me. They’re in my closet in case I have a dramatic weight loss over a weekend. It’s ridiculous. It’s like I’m curating an exhibit of my weight gain. “Well, that suit was from 30 pounds ago” and that sweater was from last winter “and this shirt… This shirt never fit.” Have you done that? Have you bought clothes that don’t fit thinking that’ll be the incentive to lose weight? It’s like, “Well, I’ve only gained weight” for the last 40 years, “maybe this shirt’ll turn it around.” “How’d you lose weight?” “I bought a shirt. It worked.” No, fashion’s kind of wasted on me. You know, like, those fashion shows. To me, fashion shows just look like skinny teenagers walking around in their parent’s clothes looking for food. [laughter] [laughter and applause] “Ma, there’s no food out there. All right, I’ll change my outfit and look again.” Fashion shows are rather absurd when you consider they’re just people sitting around watching people walk around in clothes. Which is what people do in clothes everyday. But at fashion shows, they’re so fascinated. They’re like, “Oh, my gosh.” Ooh, wow, look at that person walk in clothes. How do they do it? “If only we could watch them do laundry.” And we all know what a fashion show is ’cause we’ve seen it on TV. In December they televise the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show… Which is excellent, by the way. Well, that one’s different ’cause there’s angels. So there’s a spiritual aspect… to the thongs their peddling. It’s interesting. All the models are beautiful. You ever notice that? You’re like, “Yeah, Jim”, that’s the point.” No, but all the models… They pick people that would look good in any clothing. Like, if you want me to buy a suit, show me Michael Moore looking good in it. And I’m not picking on Michael Moore. I’m friends with him. I like Michael Moore. And not just ’cause he proves you don’t need to shower to be famous. You ever see Michael Moore on television? He looks like he’s been robbed of everything he owns. “Are you the victim of a shipwreck?” What happened?! Pull it together! You won an Academy Award! “Stop shopping at the lost and found!” But I understand Michael Moore’s mentality. Fashion’s not gonna change his life. It’s not gonna change my life. I look the same whether I’m wearing a T-shirt or a tux. I still look like someone who eats fast food. Probably ’cause I do eat fast food. I look the way I look. Look, I didn’t vote for Trump, but I walked around New York City and everyone the week after the election looked at me like, “You did it! You did it!” And I was like, “I didn’t do it!” But after a couple days I was like, “Did I do it?” I know people are scared about Trump being president, but I can tell you, as a straight, white male, – I feel like I’ll be okay. – [laughter] [cheers and applause] My wife hates that joke and I love her, but not enough to get rid of that joke. I would do anything for my wife I’m aware of that. But there are people that are more romantic. Prince Edward abdicated his right to the English throne for the woman he loved. Isn’t that unbelievable? He was forced to choose between the woman he loved or being King of England, and that idiot… chose the broad. Now I’m sure in that moment it was the right decision and I’m happily married, but even in the best relationship, each person has thoughts where they go, “I’ve made an enormous mistake.” But we never thought, “I could’ve been King of England.” Do you think Prince Edward really ever got over that? Every time he had to empty the trash, he was like, “A King of England doesn’t have” to empty the trash! “The King of England can chat with his ex on Facebook!” Can you imagine what kind of news event that abdication was in the U.K.? There must’ve been, “He’s gone mad. We should get him to hospital.” “Jim, your British accent is getting worse.” Why wouldn’t you take five minutes and learn a good accent? “It’s just lazy. It’s just lazy.” My wife’s pretty amazing. She is better at things and I’m not ashamed to say that. Like, her guilt trip, legendary. My wife is half Catholic, half Jewish, so her guilt trip is like a superpower. I walk in a room, she looks at me, and I feel horrible. And that’s called love. We’ve been together so long I will get angry about a guilt trip she hasn’t even given me yet. I’ll be like, “I’m gonna watch the football game.” She’s like, “Okay.” And I’m like, “‘Cause I want to!” I’m always in trouble with my wife ’cause I’m selfish, I’m lazy, insensitive, and a bunch of other stuff. She rattles on. And I understand being in trouble for stuff I’ve done, but sometimes I get in trouble for stuff other men have done. Once I got in trouble for something a guy did in a movie. I was watching a movie with my wife and in the movie there was this married guy with children who left his family for a 20-year-old woman and I knew in that moment I should sleep on the couch. [laughter] And the movie ended and my wife looked at me and she was like, “Why would someone do that?” And I was like, “Uh, it… it was in the script?” I didn’t say that. I just said, “Where do you want me to sleep?” I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m picking on her ’cause I’m grateful to have her in my life. It’s nice to have a partner. Someone looking out for you, you look out for them. Like I did two weeks of shows out of town in December and when I came home, my wife informed me that she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist. If you’re unfamiliar, that’s the doctor that sticks the camera up your butt. I mean, they do other things, but that’s what they’re famous for. That’s probably how they attract people to the field. “You like photography?” [laughter] “Then I got a job that you’re gonna love!” I didn’t ask my wife to set up this appointment. I wasn’t sick. I didn’t have any symptoms. She just did it ’cause she was looking out for me. So she casually brought it up. She goes, “Just so you know”, I made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist. And I said, “Just so you know, I won’t be going.” She’s like, “Why wouldn’t you go? It’s just a consultation.” I said, “Well, it’s the principle.” I’m an adult. I make my own decisions. “Thank you.” Anyway, so I’m at the gastroenterologist… [laughter] The doctor starts to describe the procedure and I said, “Look, I should probably let you know”, I don’t really enjoy getting my picture taken. I would be open to an ultrasound, I think a lot of men are curious what the jelly “on the belly feels like.” Anyway, the doctor, he didn’t think it was funny. [chuckles] And I knew it was precautionary, so I agreed. So he went over to his computer and he goes, “All right, my next available appointment is in three months.” I was like, “Three months?!” This was in December. I didn’t know if I wanted this procedure hanging over my head during the holidays. “Jim, you want another piece of pie?” “No, I’m getting a camera up my butt.” I don’t want some team of doctors to be like, ‘Wow, this guy loves pie. “Barry, get out here. He’s got half a pie up there.'” I didn’t know what could delay this important procedure, but part of me didn’t want to find out. I didn’t want the doctor to be like, “Well, the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera.” That takes forever. Turnover in that position is insane, you know? People do it once and they’re like, “‘You know what? I’m going back on food stamps.'” Then I was thinking, maybe it’s the doctor. Maybe he’s like, “Dude, I can only do this procedure” once a month. Then I gotta take a week off, sit on the beach, and ask myself. ‘Why keep sticking cameras up people’s butts?’ “I could’ve been a dentist.” “Again with the dental reference.” But in February I had the procedure and I think every man in here should get a colonoscopy because I had to. It’s not an easy decision ’cause the best news you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt is learning you didn’t need to have a camera stuck up your butt. That’s the best news. “Yeah, we didn’t need to do that. We can just chalk that up, one for fun.” And the day before the procedure, you can’t eat anything. And I’m a total pig, so it was terrifying. But after I was awake for five hours and I hadn’t eaten anything, I wasn’t hungry. I was suicidal. I was so bored. I was like, “What am I” supposed to sit here and feel feelings?” And then at noon and at 6:00 p.m. you have to drink this serum that I believe is made by a collaboration of ex-lax and Taco Bell. Printed on the side of the serum it should’ve just said, “Drink this in the bathroom. Might wanna grab a pillow and a book.” ‘Cause I tell ya, I’ve had diarrhea before… This is the point where everyone acts like they’ve never had diarrhea. “I don’t even know what Jim’s talking about. Do you?” Yeah, I’m the only one who’s had diarrhea… in a hotel hot tub. Okay. [laughter] Like we’re at the same hotel. No, I’ve had diarrhea. I don’t wanna brag. No, I’ve had diarrhea, but calling what this serum did to my body “diarrhea” is an insult to the word diarrhea. My body made noises I didn’t know existed. At one point I thought I stepped on a puppy. [laughter] I was in the bathroom for hours. For hours. Checking email… Ignoring phone calls ’cause serum or not, you can’t answer the phone in the bathroom ’cause you can’t hide the fact you’re in the bathroom ’cause there’s an echo. “Are you in a well?” “Yes! Yes, I’m down here in a well. No kids in this well! “Making sure no kids fell in.” But I kept getting this call from the doctor’s office and I thought there might be important information like someone saying, “Do not drink the serum!” So I answered it and it was just someone confirming the appointment and I don’t know how someone’s supposed to sound when they confirm a colonoscopy, but this person was really casual. They’re like, “Hey, how are you?” So, we’re gonna see you tomorrow?” I’m like, “What? Are we having brunch?” I thought I was getting a camera up my butt.” She gave me the address. The next morning I went there. It wasn’t at a hospital or a clinic, it was at some building. Just picture where you imagine the Black Market would harvest human organs. “What am I doing here?” And I took an elevator to the basement. There was this huge space with all these makeshift rooms with shower curtains. And I was let into one. There was all this talking… You know when you’re nervous and you think you hear things? I thought I heard someone go, “I can’t believe he’s here. I want his kidney.” And I was terrified. And then eventually an anesthesiologist walked in, he gave me a shot and he goes, “Just wanna go through what’s gonna happen.” Right now I’m giving you some medicine which will knock you out and when you wake up, you won’t remember anything. “You okay with that?” And against every instinct in my body, I just went, “Okay.” And the last memory I had is just watching the anesthesiologist leave the room as I heard someone go, “I want his spleen.” And I woke up and I was fine. I mean, I’m pregnant, but I’m fine. I’m not pregnant. My wife? I haven’t talked to her in an hour. You know, and… But we got five kids and that seems like a lot. And, frankly, it’s too many. It’s… It is a lot, but what am I gonna do now? It’s not like they come with free return shipping. I love… I love having five kids. I travel with them ’cause I don’t wanna be away from ’em and also I enjoy the look on waitstaff’s faces when I walk in with my family. ‘Cause my kids are five, six, eight, eleven, and thirteen. And we walked into a restaurant in Dallas and I saw a waitress look at me and my family and quit her job. I mean, she could’ve been getting off her shift, I just saw her look at us and throw down her apron and storm off. And I felt like we won. But I like being a dad, you know? It’s… I try to do one-on-one time with each of my kids, but it’s hard ’cause I travel and there’s a lot of ’em. So sometimes that special Daddy and Me time is just doing something mundane like going with me to the Post Office. It’s like, “That’s right, buddy, just you and me” going to find out why we got this damn slip on our door. “Stick that in the memory bank.” “My dad, always making time for me.” Squeezing me into errands. I remember walking to the Post Office and listening to him bitch and moan about the Federal Government. “What a guy.” I try to be a good dad. I got my kids a dog. – I rescued a dog. – [cheers] – Thank you. Thank you. – [cheers and applause] Well, it’s not like the dog was drowning. The dog wasn’t a victim of sex trafficking. I just went in a building, gave a guy money, and got a dog. That’s how I rescued it. After that I rescued a pizza. I actually… I had to wait to rescue the dog ’cause the dog was in Jamaica. I don’t know if it was on vacation. But I rescued a dog from paradise so it could live in my crowded. New York City apartment. Sometimes I put the leash on the dog and it looks at me like, “I used to run on the beach…” And now I sleep in a cage. “My only hope is that one day you’ll get rescued.” But “rescue” is the language of today, right? We mean adoption. Now, people don’t even say they own dogs. Now people say they’re a dog parent, but I feel like dogs are different from kids. Like, you never hear a parent say, “You know, my son had” some behavior problems, so we gave him to a friend who had a farm upstate. You know, that way he could run around “and we’ll visit him on weekends.” “Jim, you’re a monster.” I’m no saint, but nobody is. Nobody even goes for saint today, right? There’s no saints. Nobody’s like, “You know what I’m thinking of, uh, I’m either gonna go graphic design or saint.” Nobody goes for it ’cause, well, there are… There are Latter Day Saints. There’s Mormons. I love the Mormons. I don’t know what Latter Day means. Maybe that means they’re, like, devient till 3:00 p.m. They’re like, “Well, kids are coming home,” let’s get out of these S&M outfits, honey. “Back in khakis.” I’m talking about the traditional Catholic sense of a… of a saint. Nobody goes for saint anymore ’cause it’s too hard. To be considered a Catholic Saint you have to perform two miracles. I don’t know why it’s two. It’s not like half of us would be like, “You know, if it was one I’d go for it. Yeah, ’cause I can do that thing with my elbow.” It’s not like one miracle’s not impressive. You’re never in a job interview, “Let’s see here,” special skills, walk on water, Microsoft Word. “Tell me about the Microsoft Word.” Actually, where I live in New York City is where the soon to be first. African-American Saint is buried. His name was Pierre Toussaint and he was a hairdresser. I didn’t even know you could be a hairdresser and a saint, but he, apparently, got done cutting people’s hair and they were like, “This is a miracle.” And he was a great man. And he’ll… he’ll be a saint. He’ll probably be the Patron Saint of Hairdressers. You know, ’cause saints, they’re in charge of things. Like, “You’re in charge of hairdressers”, you’re in charge of lost objects, “St. Patrick, you’re in charge of Ireland.” St. Patrick, Patron Saint of Ireland. Every March 17th we honor St. Patrick by getting wasted. – [cheers and applause] – Right? But we don’t know. We don’t know. St. Patrick could be up in heaven going, “I didn’t even drink. What are these people doing?” I like the color blue. I made that very clear. Can someone remind God I’m from Italy? I don’t wanna rock the boat here, “but these Irish are degenerates.” ‘Cause they don’t get to choose what they’re the Patron Saint of, right? Like St. Bonaventure? Patron Saint of bowel issues. I’m not making that up. Bowel issues. Talk about a promotion you don’t want. Bonaventure’s in heaven, St. Peter comes and goes, “Bonaventure, you’re a saint.” Bonaventure’s like, “Yes! Yes! Am I the Patron Saint of Scholars?” “Not scholars.” “Wha… What am I the Patron Saint of?” “Bowel issues.” “Bowel issues?” “Yeah, you know when someone’s getting a colonoscopy” or say they’re sitting on the toilet with I.B.S. or explosive diarrhea praying to God. Well, we don’t want them praying directly to God. So… you would be like a conduit. “That way God’s not talking to someone who’s doing number two.” “Uh, okay.” ‘Course I’m talking about Catholic Saints ’cause I’m Catholic. I’m not a good Catholic. Like, if there was a test for Catholics, I would fail. But, then again, most Catholics would fail. Which is probably why there’s not a test. But since I’m Catholic and I’m a comedian, I was asked to open for the Pope when he visited America. And before you’re impressed, it didn’t go well. Like, I opened for the Pope, but the Pope wasn’t sitting there like, “Ha ha ha ha.” I don’t know how the Pope laughs. Hopefully not like Jabba the Hutt. But I did 15 minutes of stand-up and then the popemobile drove into this outdoor amphitheatre space. I opened for an automobile. And that’s not even the first time I’ve opened for a car. I had to cut my honeymoon short so that I could perform at the lowa State Fair where I opened for Kyle Busch’s NASCAR. Kyle Busch wasn’t there, just his car. I did 15 minutes of stand-up and then some stagehands pushed his number 18 on the stage and audience members came up and got pictures with the car. The car did better. But I did open for the popemobile in Philadelphia. Philadelphia, The City of Brotherly Love and if you’ve been there, you know they mean that sarcastically. I love Philly, but saying Philadelphia’s. The City of Brotherly Love is a little bit like saying. “Syria, a place for peace.” But I love Philly. You know, I love the whole Northeast. I’m from the Midwest, but I choose to live in the Northeast because I love the energy and I love the fact that everyone in the Northeast is angry for absolutely no reason at all. – [cheers and applause] – Furious! From Philadelphia to Boston, pissed off. Right? That whole Acela Line. I call it the Corridor of Hate. But that is why we are the United States. Think of those initial 13 colonies. Like, in Virginia, those guys… Like Jefferson and Madison, those guys were like the philosophers. Like, “We’re born with these” inalienable rights. We should have representation.” But it was the people in the Northeast and Boston they were like, [Boston accent] “Screw it.” Dump all the tea in the harbor. Those English are dicks. “They don’t say ‘the’ before hospital.” You know? Don’t you wish you were there when the Bostonians explained to the Virginians, “Yeah, we listened to all that” stuff you said, so we started a war with England. “The greatest superpower on the planet.” The Virginians were like, “Wha?!” We were talking hypothetically.” Even Patrick Henry was like, “When I said ‘Give me liberty” or give me death, ‘ I didn’t mean actual death. “I was talking like death by chocolate death.” But so I was in Philadelphia for the event, at the soundcheck and they had constructed this huge amphitheater next to the Ben Franklin Parkway which is a highway and the amphitheater was empty. And I was up there doing the soundcheck and I looked on the highway and it was already filled with a million people. And I looked at those people and I thought, “Wow”, a million people that don’t want to see me do stand-up comedy.” ‘Cause they were all there to see the Pope and not one of those million people was thinking, “I hope the Pope has a comedian open for him.” But I shouldn’t have been surprised. In the weeks leading up to the event, there were all these interviews. They’re like, “You’re opening for the Pope.” There’s gonna be millions of people there. “Are you nervous? Are you gonna prepare?” And I’m like, “I’m definitely nervous. I’m definitely gonna prepare.” Anyway, I didn’t prepare. So I was onstage at the soundcheck, looking at those million people and I thought, “I gotta come up with some Philadelphia jokes.” But what do I know about Philadelphia? I know cheesesteaks, Liberty Bell, and I had just watched this ESPN 30 For 30 documentary about Eagles fans in 1968 throwing snowballs at someone dressed like Santa Claus. That’s all I knew. So I went off and I tried to think of some Philadelphia jokes. Before you knew it, the event started and I was introduced and I walked out and the amphitheatre was still empty. ‘Cause, you know, the Pope wasn’t there and it was a Catholic event, so everyone was at the bar. So I was like, “All right, I guess I’m just gonna do” my show for no one.” So I go, “It’s good to be here in Philadelphia.” and I heard this roar behind me. [mimics crowd screaming] And it was all the people on the highway. And I was like, “All right, I’ll play to them.” I was like, “Philadelphia loves the Pope.” [mimics crowd screaming] And I was like, “Not that I was worried, but you guys weren’t that nice to Santa.” – Nothing. – [laughter] Silence. And then I heard something that sounded like booing ’cause it was booing. It wasn’t everyone. It was like 10%. So, 100,000 people… booing my Santa joke before they saw their religious leader who was gonna talk to them about mercy. So I did what anyone would do when they’re being booed, I acted like I wasn’t being booed. I did some jokes about being lazy and food and I kinda got the crowd back. And I got off stage, disaster averted. And I pulled out my phone and I started checking Twitter and I saw the most angry, hateful tweets I’ve ever seen. “How dare you bring up the Santa incident!” Never come back to Philly. I wish I could punch you. Bringing up the Santa incident in Philly is like “bringing up the Holocaust in Germany.” That was an actual tweet. Of course, the difference being that the Holocaust happened and Santa has never existed. [laughter] At that moment there was a tap on my shoulder and it was one of the organizers and they’re like, “Do you wanna meet the Pope?” And I was like, “I’m good.” I was like, “Yeah, of course I’d love to meet the Pope.” So I was put in this room with some of the other performers and we were lined up and the Pope came in. And they started greeting people and I noticed people that the Pope was meeting, they were saying something to the Pope. And I didn’t know what I was gonna say to the Pope and before you knew it, the Pope was right in front of me and I just said, “Don’t bring up the Santa incident.” [cheers and applause] And the Pope, he didn’t say anything. He just gave me a look of like, “Dude, I would never do that. This is Philadelphia. They’d crucify me.” All right, that is all for me. Thank you for coming out. [cheers and applause] I will see you soon. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music playing] BOY: That’s Mom and Dad.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Iliza Shlesinger: Elder Millennial (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-elder-millennial-2018-full-transcript/

Guys, I’m about to take a giant ship. Thank you so much! Thank you. Thank you so much… for being here. So… first up on the agenda is… I got engaged. Thank you. I appreciate that enthusiasm. I appreciate the applause because I live in Los Angeles and when you tell people in L.A. that you got engaged, they don’t applaud. You tell people in L.A. you got engaged, they’re, like, “Good for you. Good for…” So you tell people you got engaged, next obligatory thing out of their mouth is, like, “How did you guys meet? How did you meet?” I don’t like to tell people how we met. I don’t like to tell people how we met. It’s not bad. It’s not embarrassing. It’s just not cool. Like, we met on a dating app. Right, like all of you. Yeah. We met on a dating app, which is… less of a product of my lack of creativity and more a result of my generation. I’m a millennial. That’s how we meet each other, okay? Yeah. A dating app, at a bar, or it’s, like, “I got her pregnant. Well, Skylar will make a good mom.” That’s it. Some of you were so quiet when I said I was a millennial. Fuck you, okay? I am… 35. Which means I was born in 1983, which means I am… right at the cutoff. Okay, so I am a millennial, but I am an elder! Elder millennial! Wizened. Sage. Yes, gather ’round the Snapchat, children. I’ll tell you the tale… of the landline. Hello, goodbye. When I was a young girl… I once sent a text message from a Sidekick. I remember when Skechers were invented. They were ugly then. And they’re ugly now. In high school… we danced to a band called Sugar Ray. How did you guys meet? You ask a girl, “How did you guys meet?” We want to tell you. We want to tell you… everything. We want to give you personal information, background story, ancillary information, anything information. Just say, “How did you meet?” Are you sitting down? Chapter One. In seventh grade, I showed an aptitude for the clarinet. We take it… back! We want you to know so much. You ask a guy, “How did you guys meet?” Men don’t volunteer personal information as readily. Seldom will you meet a guy where you’re, like, “How did you guys meet?” And he’s, like, “So, I’m a Pisces, so I love faces.” A man’s objective is often to let you know not so much how they met, but to let you know that, like, “I could still fuck if I wanted to. ‘Cause I’m a fuck man. That’s how I do. I’m not gonna fuck you, cause I’m fucking her, but… I come from a long line of fuck men, all right? My daddy was a fuck man, my granddaddy was a fuck man. I fuck. I pack up this dick, on to the next town. Yeah. Fire in the hole. Fuck Man Terry, that’s what they call me.” Down at the Walgreens, whatever. How did you guys meet? I say this next part as a woman that champions other women, as a woman who chose to be single for a very long time. I always feel, when single women ask me, “So, how did you guys meet?” It’s less about a genuine personal inquiry for me, and it’s more like they’re looking for clues, like, “Where did you find a suitor? Tell us your ways.” Like, you walk in… to a Trader Joe’s on a Sunday night. That’s when hot girls go grocery shopping. Like, I’m buying flowers for me, right? You walk into a Trader Joe’s with a ring on your left hand, single women can feel the vibrations of the ring. Like, “The ring! It mocks us!” And they… They come out of the frozen yogurt aisle… Lululemon, highlighted hair, like, “Tell us your ways, we wish to be betrothed as well. Secrets. Tell us. Be a girl’s girl.” There’s no secret, just so we’re clear. Don’t buy the books. Don’t buy the hype. Don’t listen… There’s no secret, okay? I’m going to be 35 when I get married. And if there was a secret, I would have fucking used it. There’s no… secret. There’s no special magic to it. I’m never going to be, like, “Gather round, ladies. Off the 405 lies a toadhole… You must go to it.” No secret. Plus, chances are, if you are single and you are not enjoying that time in your life, you’re probably doing everything in your power to not be single. I don’t know a single girl out there that’s, like, “I hate being single. I don’t get it. I wash with ham and cat hair. Where is he? Where is he?” Women have no problem letting people know that they are looking for a relationship. We shout it from the mountaintops. We take a seminar. We take a class, we ask around. Are you single Do you have a sister? I will take anything at this point. We let people know… We get license plates made like “LOOKIN4U.” Like, we let you know. I feel like men are more laissez-faire when it comes to relationships. I guess I fell into her, now we got four kids. It’s kind of… It’s less deliberate. Women are, like, “This way.” “I guess I’ll just go that way.” It just becomes. Their stories are less deliberate. I’ve asked a lot of guys, “How did you meet your girl?” I’ve noticed that about 80% of the stories sound very similar. 80% of the time it’s, like, “How did we meet? All right, well… I was out with my buddies. And you know me, I wasn’t looking for anybody. And then I saw her.” And that lie becomes… A big part of our narrative as women, this hope that we will go out and a man is going to see us, save us, rescue us. It’s this hope that we’re going to be seen and that’s going to happen for us. And we all have this sort of shared fantasy where you walk into a… a club or a bar with five of your girlfriends who look exactly like you. And you walk in and a man picks you out of the crowd, sees you for the beautiful soul that you are, like, decides… like, there’s some DJ up there and he looks out and he’s, like… “Her.” And you’re, like, “Me?” And then your life begins, right? This is not our fault for expecting this or thinking this will happen. We have been taught this message since we were little girls. Princesses get saved. Snow White got saved by the prince. It was really the seven dwarves and she was, like, lost in a forest. But, like… seven men. Who is she? Right. Sleeping Beauty was saved when the prince kissed her while she was sleeping. Terrible moral. What do we take away from that? Generations of men, like, “No, you kiss ’em when they’re sleeping, they’re forever grateful. Officer.” So naturally we go out hoping to be discovered. There’s this weird thing where a lot of girls, when we’re single, we don’t want to admit that we’re going out hoping a man notices us. Of course you are, but we don’t want to seem desperate. I’m just going out with my girlfriends, in full makeup, with padded everything. This is just for fun. I’m just going out. It’s normal to want to be noticed by someone that you find attractive. That’s the caveat, okay? It’s normal… to want attention. Even in a relationship, you still have a beating heart. You still want people to let you know you’re attractive. If you’re with your guy, you’re holding his hand and you’re walking, and you see some hot guy, like, “You like that?” He’s like, “I like that.” Okay. No harm, no foul. We all try this bullshit, like, “I’m not even trying.” Really? Then put a feed bag over your head. Carry an onion. You’re trying, okay? You don’t have to try that hard, but you’re going out. It’s nice to be noticed. So we all do it. Put on the makeup. Force our chub into some pants. You shove your coyote paws into some heels and we go out. You don’t even hunt. What do you do, girls? You just stand in a pack of six other women. Six other coyotes. Getting annoyed that no guy’s hitting on you? Yeah, there’s six of you. He’s terrified. We get annoyed so quickly when a guy doesn’t notice all the effort. So what do you say? Like, “This sucks, let’s take a lap.” So you just move… in a perfume cloud around the perimeter of the bar. Maybe they’re more progressive ten feet from here. So this begs the question, as women, as feminists… Maybe some… one or two lazy guys might pause at the question. “How come the guy’s got to hit on the girl? You’re an independent woman. Why can’t a girl hit on a guy? Why can’t the girl hit on the guy?” God’s honest answer? ‘Cause we did all this. You fucking do something, Scott. That’s the answer. It’s a lot. Okay. A lot. I haven’t had bread in five months. It’s a lot, okay? A big part of the reason women don’t hit on men is that women aren’t seen as equal to men. Therefore, when we step out of a traditional feminine role, and do something alpha and hit on a guy and he rejects us, it hurts that much more. And on a biological level, you know, at your core, he’s not rejecting you based on your shoes or your outfit. He’s rejecting… your eggs. You get up nerve to talk to a guy, like, “Excuse me, would you like my eggs?” “I don’t want those fucking eggs.” Please! I only have but a few. Women aren’t seen as equal to men, so it’s uncomfortable to hit on men. There’s a lot more at risk for us. Maybe one day… in a utopia where men and women are considered equal, maybe one day we can hit on men unencumbered by self-esteem issues. But as it stands now, that’s not something we can do. Our grandmothers didn’t hit on men. Our mothers didn’t hit on men. Maybe one day. Maybe my generation changes it. It’s too late. But… maybe my generation, with the hashtags and the tweets, maybe we’ll change it so that our great-granddaughters can hit on men. Yes, that’s the dream, that we do the work now so that our great-granddaughters will know the thrill of hitting on a half-in-the-bag Guido outside a taco truck at 2 a.m. ‘Tis but a dream. Another big part of the reason that women don’t hit on men is that men are better at dealing with rejection. Sexually. Women are not used to dealing… with rejection… when it comes to sex. We’re used to dealing with rejection when it comes to… governing our own bodies, having our own thoughts, getting paid the same as a man, but… when it comes… When it comes to sexual rejection, men deal with it more than women because they have more at bats. They hit on women more. Ask the guy next to you, “When was the last time you were sexually rejected?” He’ll be, like, “You mean in the Uber on the way here Like, behind that plane while you were in the bathroom? Be specific.” ‘Cause every guy knows… it’s about the at bats. It’s about how many times can you hit on a girl. ‘Cause you know eventually one’s going to say yes. When men first start going out, it’s about quantity over quality, like, “Hey, sweetheart! You’re ugly anyway. How about you?” You keep going through it. Every guy knows you got to kiss a lot of frogs if you’re gonna what, guys? Fuck a frog, that’s right. So… ‘Cause he knows. They’re not going to admit it to you, every guy knows If he hits on, like, 20 women in a night, one’s gotta say yes. Like, one gross-out’s gotta be, like… “Yeah, all right.” 2 a.m. It’s his Hail Mary, at the buzzer pass, the lights are coming on, he’s like, “How about you?” Some girl will turn around and be, like, “Okay. Can we wash my hump before we make love? Just kidding. It’s an egg. So… By that same token, men aren’t allowed to have feelings in our society, which isn’t fair. You’re expected to move past it, work through it. Get over it. Women don’t get over… anything. No, we don’t get over it. Instead, we hold onto it. We hold onto that rejection. We hold onto it. We pluck it out of space-time and we examine it from hindsight. We put it in different scenarios. We bring in experts, like, “Stacy, get over here! Remember that guy, took me to Coachella, never called again? Shall we drive to his house?” And sometimes… we hold onto the pain of our rejection so tight… that they become part… of the makeup of our personalities. And then we get to use the pain of that past rejection, ladies, as an excuse for why we are the weird brand of fucked-up that we are, now! ‘Cause he broke up with me over breakfast, so now I don’t drink milk, and I’m annoying. Like, it’s always… something. Every girl in here remembers almost every time she was rejected. Because, for women, it doesn’t happen as much as for men. And every human remembers the first time they were rejected. I’ll go first. Fourth grade. So… We were going to sit down for circle time. I went and sat by a boy that I thought was cute. And he told me to go away. Now, he’s dead. Now I don’t sit in circles any more. But we cherish our rejections. They give us texture, personality. We take each one and we label it. We label each issue, each past grievance, in its own Mason jar. It’s very rustic. Pin it. And we put it… into our sack of emotional baggage. Each one. He broke up with me because I slept with his brother. They’re twins. They should have worn different color hats or something. I was set up. And we put it… into our baggage, and we throw that baggage over our shoulder and what do we do, girls? We then walk it into the new relationship. Yes. And the best part is, the new boyfriend… has no idea… what you’re hauling. And he welcomes you. Yes, he welcomes you to the new union. Come on in. You seem pretty cool and well-adjusted. And you’re, like, “Oh, I am! Yes, this seems like a safe place for me to… unpack my shit!” Another big reason women don’t hit on men is because men… typically don’t find strong women attractive. They don’t. Your date’s going to look at you, like, “No way, babe. I love a strong woman.” Bullshit, Chad, okay? They love vulnerability. It’s very attractive when a woman is vulnerable. Why is that? Men are very physical creatures. Women are very verbal. Men are very physical. When a woman is vulnerable, hypothetically, it would mean… that she needs physical help. When a man feels he can be of help, physically, then he feels needed, and that makes him feel good and attractive. When a man feels he can insert himself. No pun intended. Fuck it. We’re making a comedy show. Pun intended, okay? You got to give him something to do. We, as women, a lot of times fault men for not communicating the way we do. Women speak more words on average than men. It’s not that one’s better or dumber than the other, it’s the way we are. We talk at you. “I wanna be communicative about being communicative. You’re not saying anything. Why? You’re being uncommunicative. And I want to talk about how much I hate Stacy. When you meet her, you’re gonna.” We have to have… He’s just sitting there, like, “Mongo, no.” Like, it’s scary. If you have any doubt a guy likes you, don’t always look for the words, look for the actions. They will show you. I wish someone had told this to me when I was in my 20s. When you’re younger, you’re, like, “He’s not texting back. He’s busy. He’s at work. His family died.” There’s no bullshit like that. When a guy likes you, he shows up. If you have any doubt the guy likes you, give him something to do. If a guy likes you, he’ll do anything. Will you carry this glittery brick of cat shit? He’s, like, “No problem.” When a guy likes you, carrying your purse isn’t an issue. They’ll carry your bags if they’re heavy. They’ll put gas in the car if you don’t want to deal. They’ll check under the hood for the… thing, I don’t know. But they’ll do that. It’s very attractive when a woman is vulnerable and needs help. And that’s historically always been that way. I didn’t make that up. That’s why the term is… “damsel in distress”. Not “overly opinionated dyke who needs a fucking hand, man!” That’s why. If a woman can do it herself, it’s not as attractive. Put it this way. If we’re all animals, okay? And men are… lions. And women are, like, gazelles. What’s a lion, if he’s hungry, more likely to go after? The gazelle, running at 90, unencumbered by a self-esteem issue? Like, I own my home and have a Ph.D. I enjoy witty banter, I just put a down payment on a boat, and I don’t hate my daddy. Onward! Or… remember he’s hungry. Or… the gazelle with the broken hoof, like, “Help, how does basketball work?” Like, what? An easier meal. Side note. I am aware that it’s the lioness not the lion that does the hunting. Let’s pretend that lion was a bachelor and hadn’t met his wife yet. Okay, so… We got the zoologist questions out of the way. So… I will stand up here, and perhaps women in your life you consider strong will stand before you and tell you, “Be strong, do it your way, be tough.” It’s one thing to say that, and for a lot of women it’s very difficult to live that when everything that we’re taught tells us the opposite. Every movie we’ve seen since we were little girls has an opposite message. In movies, it’s not the strong girl, the funny girl, the brave girl, the smart girl, the loud girl, the opinionated girl who gets the hot guy. No, girls like me get, like, fucking Steve Zahn and Jonah Hill. Like, that’s what… She is funny, he looks funny, then they’ll fuck funny and appreciate each other. And it’s always… it’s always the quiet girl. Right, the new girl that gets, like, Channing Tatum. It’s always the girl that doesn’t realize how beautiful she is. The girl that isn’t funny, isn’t opinionated. The subtext of that message is, “That’s right. That’s right, girls. Men don’t like a lippy woman, so zip it, honey.” It’s always the girl that doesn’t know she’s hot. Which, by the way, that Hollywood archetype? Bullshit. Okay? It’s bullshit. Because you fucking know when you’re hot. No one’s walking around, like, “What do I do with these giant tits and thin legs?” How did I get on this Victoria’s Secret catwalk? I’m choking on my silky hair.” Like, you know. We keep seeing the same story over and over. It’s about the girl that’s unsure of herself, and a guy sees through it, and she realizes how beautiful she is when she takes off her glasses… it’s the same thing. Always the girl, like, “I don’t know if I should go out.” The girls that are outgoing that maybe enjoy their bodies, are confident, like, “Let’s go out!” “I don’t know. I should stay home. I’ve never left the house before.” We’re taking you out. Let’s go drink, let’s go dance– I should stay in. Stay in and study. We’re 35. What are you fucking talking about? Let’s go! Walk into the nightclub, all the girls that are confident are dancing, they’re having fun. Like, “Hey, Channing Tatum!” He’s, like, “Later, hookers. I want her!” All the girls– “Uh-uh. Her.” Cut to our hero, she’s just sitting there in a corner, just… maybe she wore, like, board shorts to the club. She has no idea. She’s reading a book. Maybe she has brown hair. Whatever. Before you get all offended at that, look at all of our eyebrows. We all have brown hair, okay. Maybe not you, I don’t know. I don’t see any pure Norwegians here, okay? This joke isn’t about shaming that type of woman. This joke is not about that. Whatever kind of woman you are, quiet, fat, small, big or tall, loud, you don’t know much, you got a gill, whatever kind of woman you are… you are right. That’s it. Whatever you’ve chosen to be… whatever you want to be… you are correct in being that as long as you’re happy. My point to you, is if you are the shy type, if you are the wallflower, if you are the shrinking violet, if you are another… floral metaphor that has to do… with being an introvert, my point to you is that you don’t want the guy who wants you because of that energy. A man who wants a woman because she looks scared… is a sexual predator. Okay? All these girls that he could hit on, he picks the one that’s shivering like a wet chihuahua. Like a nervous street urchin just in a corner putting out all kinds of “no” vibes. You don’t want the guy that walks up, like, “Excuse me. I couldn’t help but notice you look terrified. Wanna see my dick?” So… “I was out with my buddies. I wasn’t looking for anyone. And I saw her.” The idea… that in a nightlife setting… that the man would ever see the woman… before the woman saw the man. No. Women are astute, but moreover, women are the ones with the biological clocks. Women are the ones with the socially predetermined shelf life. Women are the ones who are cantilevered off the edge of high heels. We’ve got five hours before we take them off and walk through a lobby flat-foot, okay. Women are the ones whose skin and foundation is dehydrating with every alcoholic beverage imbibed. We are the ones on a time crunch, on a schedule, okay? You saw me first? Bullshit, motherfucker. I clocked you! Like, the second you walked in. Dudes walk in in a pack, unaware, like, “I’d better fill out this bracket, or I’ll turn into a pumpkin at midnight.” You’re not even… You walked in, I was already hunting with five other women. He walked in and I was, like, “Hold!” And then we stalked around you. Encircled you, sussed you out, like a German shepherd sniffing out an IED in the sand, motherfucker. Like, we… A lot of times, men pride themselves on being very observant, right? Ever date a guy that, you go to a restaurant, can’t sit with his back to the door? “I gotta sit with my back to the wall so I can assess all entrance and exit points. I gotta make sure that–” Okay, while you’re checking out the people eating at Denny’s, I checked your fucking credit score, okay? While you were doing counter-surveillance, I looked you up and down, I gave you a pre-cancer mole check. It’s benign, move on. I looked at everything. “I’m an alpha. I gotta look at the door.” If you ever date a man that says he’s an alpha… he’s a beta. So… A lion doesn’t tell you he’s a lion. He just lets the girl hunt for him. Okay, so… So, we look at everything. You think men judge women harshly? They do. But, gentlemen, you have no idea what we’re looking at. We’re judging your hair, your shoes, we scan you, like Predator. Every atom, every molecule of your DNA, we go through it like… “Scanning for physical abnormalities. Is he balding Is that a goatee Is his shirt unbuttoned too low for his ethnicity? Is he wearing embroidered jeans? If so, is he a European male or just someone from Arizona?” Like, we go through it. We go through it. We aren’t looking to see if you’re the hottest guy ever. Nay. We are merely assessing if you’re 50% attractive enough that we want to put the effort into putting ourselves in your orbit. So that, in an hour, after a drink or two, you, gentlemen, have the luxury of turning around and being, like, “Oh, excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice.” Then we turn around, like… Really? That’s it. Just set it up for you to knock it down. A lot of times it’s not that easy. We see a guy we think is cute… and he doesn’t notice us, so we have to make you… notice us. A lot of times, we get our girlfriend to help us. Every girl’s done this. There’s a boy over there you think is cute, you’re, like, “Come here. Do you see that guy, over there? Over there. Over there. Do you see him Are you looking? Don’t look! Do you see him Is he looking He’s looking? Start dancing. Come here, keep talking. Say something funny so I don’t look like a loser.” You’re trying to put out… this vibe that you’re so carefree. ‘Cause you, and don’t lie about this, you want him to look over and be, like, “There will never be another, there has never been another. She is the one.” You want him to be so taken. “She looks like she doesn’t need a man, so carefree.” I’m so carefree, I don’t use condoms! So effortless. If he was close, he wouldn’t be hearing it. From afar, you want him to hear… Sports. If he were close, what he’d actually hear is your– Like, you’re trying so hard. Please! He’s going to find you, he’ll see you at some point. There’s only so many places in a bar, a club, that your eyes can fall. He’s going to see you. This is the important part girls, okay? You’re out there, it’s a competitive situation. There’s a lot of girls, there’s a lot of bars. He’s gonna look at you, that’s your chance, okay? That’s your chance. You’ve only got one shot. It’s like 8 Mile, but with flirting. Hopefully there’s no vomit on your shirt. Maybe it’s a good thing. He’d be, like, “She parties!” I don’t know. He’s going to look over, the lights are going to reflect and refract, and they’ll hit you both and he’s gonna see you, and that’s your chance, ladies, to fucking stick it, and pose, like a peacock in heat that you are. Just… Don’t dance like that. Little bit of insight to stand-up comedy, and the risk and reward with choosing certain jokes. That joke is a risk because I realize not every one here knows… what a peacock sounds like. But for, like, the 12 of you that knew, it was so worth it for me. And for the rest of you, the good news is you don’t ever have to hear a peacock, ’cause that was, like, top ten peacock impressions you’re going to hear… tonight. I hate it. I hate the noise. I’m allowed to make fun of peacocks, ’cause I grew up with them. What I find so unsettling, if I might divert from the stand-up to a TED Talk about ornithology for two seconds, the… it’s the dip in the mating call that gives me… It’s just not… We, as avian enthusiasts, which is why you’ve come to my comedy show… enjoy consistency in a mating call. Like, a crow or a raven is like… It just goes. Right? And a dove and its low-rent cousin, the pigeon, that’s just… Right? The dove and the bird it loans money to, just… Right? And we all know a warbler goes like… “I’m a warbler.” I don’t know. And then… and the bald eagle is, like, “Fucking freedom!” Okay, so… we know. To me, the peacock sounds like a tired hooker. Like he’s just standing on the corner, like, “You want a fuck or what? I already paid for the room.” Another side note, I realize the peacock is the male. They’re the ones with the plumage. The female peacock is a peahen. Their colors are muted. So really it’s a feminist joke ’cause it’s about a male prostitute. Mmm, okay, so… So you peacock and he sees you, and he walks up. “I couldn’t help but notice…” And you start talking, maybe you have some drinks, maybe you dance, maybe you exchange numbers, maybe you start to date. Now, I happen to think the very beginning of a new relationship is the most exciting part of the relationship. Granted, I’m not married yet, so, technically, I’ve only had beginnings of relationships. I don’t know. I can’t say empirically how fun being married is. I’ll tell you on the next comedy special what that’s all about. But I don’t know. The beginning of a relationship is exciting because it’s brand new. You’re both on your best behavior, it’s still electric, you’re not totally sure about the history of mental illness in each family. It’s fun. And the most nerve-wracking part of a new relationship when you’re younger, is the first time a boy comes over to your apartment. ‘Cause it’s ostensibly like your girlfriend audition time. You want him to come in and be, like, “It’s so homey. I’d like to stay forever.” Yes, come closer. Like, that’s what you want. You try so hard in your 20s, right? Because you’re young, and it’s fun. That’s your 20s. In your 30s… In your 30s, homeboy knocks on the door, you open it, you’re in combat boots, nothing else, and a garbage can on fire, you’re, like, “Welcome to Fuckdome, Scott.” Ticket? Okay, so… But it’s interesting, in your 20s, it’s a weird mental game. Boy’s coming over for the first time, you’re trying to reconcile the beautiful home that your mother kept that you lived in growing up, with the beautiful home that, like, Pinterest says you’re supposed to have. And the fact that you have no fucking money, so… Should I buy a rug or eat dinner? I don’t know. It’s so hard. Boy’s coming over, you are cleaning like you’ve never cleaned before, and it’s hard because women secretly are… filthy. No one wants to laugh about it. “Not me!” And no guy wants to imagine, like, “No way, my girlfriend’s so hot.” Yeah Check the center console of her car. She’s owned that car for a decade. Every year, the shit just piles up. You open it, like, “I didn’t know an Acura came with a time capsule!” You shut it. You open it again. You just hear, “Help!” There’s something in there. It’s our little filthy secret stockpile, right? It’s a Now That’s What I Call Music CD. “In case they come back!” Yeah. It’s one of those cables that plugs from the tape player into the CD player. It’s spilled nail polish, it’s a little bit of weed dust. It’s a… Calgon body spray, ’cause you’d rather smell like a stripper than weed. It’s that… It’s a Lip Smacker, Dr Pepper flavor, that’s just… lying there with a gash in the wax neck, like, “Tell my children I died well.” Like it’s… it’s an iPhone 4 charger. It’s some McDonald’s napkins. It’s a French fry. Times that center console by a million… in her apartment. You are just cleaning with Swiffer and Brawny. It’s like a winter wonderland of paper towels. You’re just shoving shit under the rugs. You didn’t build a shelf, I dunno how that fucking works. You’re just moving everything, you take everything– You put your coats in the oven. Burn ’em! I live in L.A. Take everything. Put your cat in a hamper for now, Marbles. We don’t know how he feels about cats. Taking everything, you’re cleaning. You’re discovering new rooms in your apartment. How come the water heater gets its own closet? Fuck it! You beg your gross-out roommate, “Please, just stay in your room. You’re so fucking disgusting.” She’s there, on a throne of Wendy’s wrappers, like, “Okay! You text me dick pics.” Hello. Shut the door. Cleaning. Lighting Glade candles like it’s a fucking Catholic mass. Smells like ham in here! You’re just trying to make it nice. He opens the door. You’re, like, “Hi!” He walks in. He’s, like, “Oh, place is cool.” You’re, like, “Fuck you.” And there’s an art, by the way, to the outfit you wear the first time a boy comes over to your place at night. You don’t want to wear… what you wore during the day. Don’t want work clothes. You don’t want to wear your daytime clothes, ’cause… ’cause it’s nighttime. What if that was the end of my show? I hit my head. You don’t want to wear your civilian clothes, okay. ‘Cause you had a whole day. Maybe you sweat in them, they’re gross. However, at the other end of the sartorial spectrum, you don’t want to go, like, super hardcore sexy the first time a guy’s coming over. Just relax. You don’t want to wear nipple tassels. Now… some women are, like, “Wait a minute.” I am the woman that has stood here before and will stand here before you again and let you know you can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t give a man the right to put his hands on you. No always means no. That’s like a boiler-plated given. No means no. Kindergarteners get it. I don’t know why we forget that as adult males, but… no means no. This is less about that, and more about just being mentally kind to the other person. You show up in that, he’ll be, like, “Oh, my god!” The blood’s gonna go from here to his dick, he’s gonna impale himself, he’s gonna sue you, and you ain’t got no money. So… just be kind, because, mentally, it’s like, “Maybe she wants me. I don’t know. Oh, my god.” It’s frustrating. You know, girls, it’d be like if you have the worst day, you came home to your boyfriend, like… “I had the worst day. I got fired, and… I cried in front of everyone and… I ate that French fry from my car. It was just such a hard day.” Your boyfriend’s like, “Aw, babe. You want to talk about it?” You’re, like, “Yeah.” He’s, like, “Just kidding. Psych.” That’s what it would be like. So the question is, if I can’t wear work clothes, I can’t wear nipple tassels, what’s a girl to do? There’s an entire, sort of intermediary, post-dinner, pre-bedtime apparel world. There’s a whole category of clothing that you, as women, have mastered without even realizing it. The category is called athleisure wear. This is an entire clothing category. It’s a multi-billion-dollar clothing category predicated on the idea that, as a woman, sometimes you don’t have time to change when you’re going from the boardroom to Pilates. There’s no fucking way. You gotta be ready. Sometimes you’re going right from spin to open-heart surgery, and you’ve got to look good. That’s– Spin to open-heart surgery What are you fucking talking about? So what is athleisure wear? It’s athletic apparel you wouldn’t really work out in. Right? So it’s… yoga pants with, like, a racing stripe. You just… race to your snacks. Sometimes it’s like a complicated tank top. It’s, like, not quite supportive. They’re, like, “It’s backless.” What do you do? “You don’t wear a bra.” I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say? I don’t wear a bra? So if the athletic part comes into play, and I have to run, it’s gonna be… No! My whole life… they’ve been pitching to me, “It’s a tank top, there’s a shelf built in.” It’s a… Go fuck your shelf, okay? I want a bra. I want a bra! We do that. Sometimes we’ll do, like, a push-up bra under the tank. Show the strap off. It’s got to be a cute strap. Not beige. No one goes, “Ooh, beige.” Like magenta. ‘Cause that’s not as sexy as red. Magenta’s like, “Maybe we’ll fuck.” Red’s like, “We’re gonna fuck!” Push-up bra. That’s what we do for you, gentlemen. You have no idea… of the sacrifices. Not a woman here wears a push-up bra when she’s at home with the flu. No one walking around, like, “I just like it when my nipples are near my tongue.” It’s just safer that way. He gets to be comfortable. You’re all bundled up, sitting there in a push-up bra on your couch, drinking with this dude you’re having a date with. He’s got his shoes off, shirt off. You’re suffocating under your own tits, watching House Hunters. Crown molding. You’re all dressed up, have a nice night. Maybe sleep together, maybe you don’t. That’s not what I’m interested in. What I want to talk about is the next morning, when he goes to leave. What I’ve always found so endearing about men… I find many things endearing about you. But… you think… we stay… that put-together… once you’re gone. You have no idea. They have no idea… what lies beneath. You have no idea… that under the hair, and the make-up, and the lashes, and the shelf, and the bras… for every woman, lies the beating heart of a hungry… exhausted… annoyed… she-dragon! And she is waiting to come out. She comes out every couple hours. Like opinions, sweat, urine. Hopefully you pee more than every couple hours, still. She’s got to. You gotta let her out, and she’s waiting. And homeboy is taking forever to leave, he’s, like, “All right, I guess I’ll give you a call later.” Your dragon’s, like, “Get out! Get out. I got to take a shit. Get out! Get rid of him. I gotta go in that bathroom I share with another grown woman and take a Jurassic thunderdump, mostly in the bowl, then send him a picture like I’m doing something hot.” Hey. “Get out!” I feel like the boys here don’t believe me. That breaks my heart. I want you to trust me, okay? You don’t believe me that there’s a dragon inside every woman. I will prove it to you. Are you ready? There’s no zipper, okay. I’ll let you prove it to yourselves. Tomorrow, when you leave your girl, okay, and you’re saying goodbye at the door… here’s what you want to do. Look deep in her eyes. This is great, because, she’ll be, like, “Oh, my god, he’s mesmerized by me. This is amazing. I’m doing amazing.” Great, let her think that. It buys you time, gentlemen. Because what you’re looking for in her eyes is like a nictitating membrane, okay. For those who don’t know, it’s the lid under the lid that keeps the sand out. You need more Planet Earth from Netflix in your lives, okay. That’s what you’re looking for. If you want to see… the dragon come out on its own, just prolong your goodbye, ’cause that dragon’s coming out. Nothing you can do about it. Just take a little longer. All right, well, I have your number, right? Lemme make sure. Okay, great, you have my number. Bye! You’re just flying round your own studio apartment. You can’t go outside. You will get shot down. Like, this isn’t fucking King’s Landing. Like, you can’t… you’re just doing it for the cardio. Tiny pulses, ladies. We’re toning, we’re firming. You fly into your kitchen. You land on your counter. You’re hungry, right? So you take out a talon. You skewer an entire sleeve of Oreos. You toast it. Your dragon body and your farts aren’t the only thing you’ve been holding in all night. You’ve also been holding in… your intentions. We have this really nasty habit in our society of labeling women very cruel and unfair things when they express their desire for very normal things. Monogamy, exclusivity, a relationship, a family, babies. Right? We like to call them desperate, sad, psychos, baby crazy. “We’ve been married for six years. She already wants a kid! I’m a fuck man! They can’t get me.” It’s very normal to want these things. And we like to chastise women for this. And so, as women, sometimes we don’t speak our truth. You go on a first date, and a guy says, “Do you want to have kids?” And you say no. Or I don’t know. When you do know. Because you don’t want to what? Scare them off. By the way… if you’re the kind of woman that doesn’t want kids, you’re still a woman. This joke’s not about you. Wait your turn, okay. Another “by the way.” Gentlemen… you ask a girl if she wants to have kids, and she says yes… it doesn’t necessarily mean with you. And it’s interesting… because your views about relationships or marriage or children do change the older you get. Some girls are in the crowd, in your 20s, you’re, like, “Whatever, elder millennial. I don’t care. I’m 20. I’m going to be a gypsy and make jewelry out of cat noses. Yeah. I don’t care.” I get it. That’s totally fair. I was like that at one point. Society tells you over and over, they say, “How old are you?” “I’m 23.” “Oh, my god, you have so much time.” And you do. But not much. So… It’s not about deciding now, it’s about not writing it off totally. Because I never thought about it, God’s honest truth. I wasn’t anti or for. I figured you get a boyfriend, life goes on. When I was in my 20s, I loved– still do– stand-up, traveling, working. And I figured, when you turn 30, the government issues you a house, an okay-looking husband, a baby, a plant, you’re done! I never thought about it. And it’s interesting, because my reaction to children, and I don’t know how many kids I want. I don’t want like a Duggar situation, but maybe one. One cool baby. I don’t know. I’d be in the airport in my 20s and I’d hear a baby cry. All the women would be, like, “Oh, my god, it’s a child.” I’d be, “Oh, my god, don’t sit by me. Like, that’s all. Get it away.” It’s interesting, ’cause I never thought about it. It changes slightly, the chemistry, the way you think about it. I was in the airport the other day. There was a baby there. And the baby made a big mistake. ‘Cause that baby… let a chubby baby leg… hang from his blankie. I had to squeeze it. I was, like, “What is this feel–” I found myself moving toward the mother. And I knew… intrinsically, I knew… she would let me squeeze his leg. Because women don’t fear other women. When it comes to children, not like the corporate ladder or dating, but… she knows I’m not creepy and I mean that baby no harm. That’s something we can trade on as women. Women aren’t scary. Late at night, if a woman’s walking toward you, you don’t cross to the other side. I mean, you do if she’s, like, “Purple hippo!” When you’re in an elevator and a woman gets on, you don’t clutch your purse and back up a little. Women aren’t scary and women aren’t creepy. That’s an important thing to remember. No matter what we get faulted for, and we’ll get faulted for a lot, things like aging, things you can totally control. No matter how much weight you gain, how many wrinkles you get, no matter how opinionated you are, no matter what you become as a woman, women are welcome around public parks and children’s birthday parties. Always. I could go to an elementary school right now in a hospital gown, with a raccoon on a leash… and the children would be, like, “You have a weird dog.” Because of that inherent fact that women are not creepy. Men. All you’ve got to do is part your hair wrong. So I get up near this baby, I wipe the sweat from my brow, I calm myself and say to the woman, “Excuse me, hi. I need to squeeze your baby’s leg.” She was, like, “Absolutely! Get in there! Get in there! His name is Charlie.” She gave me his blood type, his social security number… There’s an art to squeezing a baby leg. You’re not actually squeezing. You’re taking your pincher fingers, and you’re putting it like this, and lightly oscillating… allowing the fat to rapidly undulate… so fast it looks like a fluid motion, not unlike the flapping of a hummingbird’s wings, okay. This is how I give a hand job. Baby leg! Any pressure you would apply to said leg, you divert up to your back molar, and you grind it. When you feel enamel starting to break down, that’s how you know you gotta get out of there, okay. You know you’re at maximum capacity for cuteness when you start making thinly veiled threats to the child. I’m going to eat that leg. I’m gonna bite that nose! The mom was into it! She was, like, “Eat his fucking leg!” I’m gonna eat that leg. “Bite his fucking nose!” I’m gonna eat that nose! Everyone’s into it, except the kid who’s being the adult. He’s, like, “What the fuck is this?” Baby leg. So… back to our original narrative. You’re a dragon in your kitchen. And those maternal, we don’t have to restrict it to just women. Paternal, parental. Those maternal urges start to bubble up. Because they’re unrealized. You did not verbalize last night on your date that you might, one day, possibly, with the right person, want kids. It’s bubbling up, you’re sitting there, eating your Oreos, like… Baby. I want a child. Family. Baby. Who’s the baby? You look over and who do 100% of us take out our parental urges on? Our pets. Who’s the baby? Your dog is sitting there, like, “Oh, fuck, it’s me!” And you, scoop him up, you don’t give him a chance to run. You sweep all four legs, Daniel-san, just… And you throw him on his back! The dog’s, like, “This is not natural!” And then you start to rock it. Now you’re a psychopath. Who’s the baby? And the dog’s, like, “Please, I’m nauseous!” You’re an angel. Who wants kisses, who wants kisses? The dog doesn’t know they’re kisses. All the dog sees are your canine incisors coming at his face. This tooth right here is what lets him know that you’re a fucking carnivore. Human beings don’t get this close to other human beings’ faces unless it’s like a UFC weigh-in, like, “I’m gonna eat you, motherfucker!” That’s exactly… Who’s the baby? The dog’s, like, “Please put me down!” Who wants belly kisses? “Please don’t bite my dick!” It doesn’t even occur to you that he might be terrified. You’re, like, “Oh, he loves his mama.” He loves– He loves you? Next time, notice the Cirque du Soleil stunt your dog is willing to pull… to get away from your love. He’s, like, “I died well!” Dog looks up at you. Closes his blouse. Goes and hides under something he deems impenetrable, like a kitchen chair. “Yes, from behind these four legs, I will lead the war.” What’s really fucked-up… is that ten minutes later… the dog has forgotten. He’s forgotten the broad strokes… of the abuse. Here’s what he knows. He knows something bad… happened. He knows… something bad will happen again. And again, and again. He also knows… that he loves you. But he’s conflicted. Because he knows that the person he loves… is the one who’s going to make the bad thing happen. It’s like Stockholm syndrome meets Groundhog Day. Here’s what’s even more fucked-up. Ten minutes later… you need another hit. You’re just coming down off your high, you’re, like, “I gotta go to the grocery store. I’ve got a callback–” Who’s the baby? This time he doesn’t remember. He’s, like, “I don’t know! I don’t know. Why don’t I remember?” You’re getting closer. Who’s the baby? “I don’t know.” The dog’s having very blurry flashbacks of teeth, and kisses, and belly rubs. It’s like Westworld for dogs. Who’s the baby? “I don’t know! Leave me alone!” Who’s the baby? “I don’t know! I don’t know who the–” He looks down at his arm and there’s a tattoo that just says… “You’re the baby.” You’re the baby. So, I’m getting married. One of the lovely things about the man that I’m marrying is that he has never asked me to change anything about myself. This is a very weird job. We’re on a ship. I’m telling jokes. Those things don’t go together. He’s always been respectful of my job, he’s never asked that I not go, not go to work, that I not take a gig. The only thing he’s ever asked that I not do was a couple of weeks ago, we were getting ready for bed, and I came out, dressed, and he looked at me and went, “Babe. Love you. Can you not wear men’s basketball shorts to bed?” And I was, like, “Interesting request. Proceed.” He goes, “Uh… Love you. Think you’re beautiful. It’s just that… I’m not as attracted to you and I don’t really want to have sex with you… when you’re in men’s basketball shorts.” I was, like, “Oh… that’s the idea! Thanks for the ring, fucker!” He’s sitting in the back, like, “We fuck. I mean…” My dad’s also here so that was a weird take, so… A big part of getting married is you have to buy a wedding dress. And this is just one more milestone in our lives as women where other women don’t clue us in on how terrible it actually is. We say we’re girls’ girls and feminists, but none of us, like, give the truth about girl things. We act like it’s sugar and spice, I keep my cereals in canisters like a psycho, I’m doing it, yoga. Okay. Everything, every big thing in a woman’s life. Oh, you had your period? Welcome to being a woman. There’s no homegirl, like, “You’re gonna wanna rip out your ovaries, and hate your body, and you’re gonna cry. You’re gonna want a lot of chocolate. Probably not even go to school. Your skin’s gonna break out. Welcome to womanhood. Get in the game.” They don’t say that, okay? You’re having a baby? Oh, it’s so beautiful. “Come here. You’re gonna shit yourself. Then society’s gonna judge you ’cause you didn’t get your body back like that.” “You’re getting a wedding dress? Oh, it’s so magical. So magical. You show up. It’s so magical. You show up. Your mother is there. She doesn’t tell you you look tired. You’ve lost so much weight, every dress just cascades off of you. A modeling coach walks by and says, ‘She’s too beautiful for the runway.’ You stand there. Your best friends are there, and they… And none of them are jealous. And a dove brings you the perfect silken… and it just…” No. It’s you standing there at a dress shop in West Hollywood with your mom on FaceTime asking you how FaceTime works. Just use the button! Ask somebody near you! There’s some Russian seamstress at the bottom, like, “Your hips are too wide for this cut. You should not try it on.” Then you go eat Chick-fil-A. Like, that’s buying a wedding dress. So, I was trying on wedding dresses, and I figured I should go with a big princess dress, because that’s the chance to wear it, so I put it on, and I come out… and I realize, if that’s the kind of dress you wear, if you extrapolate your wedding dress from the actual day… you’re dressed like a lunatic. For, like, deeply disturbing psychological reasons. You’re, like, “I’m a pretty princess. I’m a pr–” No, you’re Gaby, and you work in HR. You are not a pr– “No, I’m a pretty princess.” And all of your maids have to agree with you, like, “Yes, fairest of all.” “I’m a pr– I’m a ballerina princess! ‘Cause I’ve got Arena shoes. ‘Cause I’m Daddy’s ballerina. I’m a pretty princess. Bring me Snow White’s heart on a platter.” So I’m trying all different dresses, and there’s this weird phenomenon with women, when you try on more than three articles of clothing. There is no fourth. You just start crying. There’s something about incandescent lighting hitting your fat cells that actually makes them multiply on the spot. You get angry. Do you ever do this move where you hit your fat, hoping to pop it? It doesn’t. It just leaves a bruise, then you can’t wear shorts. So… I started to get upset and I did the mistake that all women do. I started to get angry about something on my body I couldn’t control. Every girl’s got a thing that she hates about herself that’s impossible to change. For me, I don’t like how tall I am. That makes it sound like I’m tall. I wish I were taller. So tall. To you, like, “She’s so tall.” ‘Cause I’m this big on your TV. But I am 5’5″. And it kills me. It’s not short enough that– “Do you shop at Gap Kids? You’re so petite!” No. And it’s not tall enough that people assume I’m a natural athlete. I’m just this average… 5’5″… member of the proletariat marching to pick a size 7 shoe. Like, it’s just… Anytime you tell another woman what you don’t like about yourself, they never let you say it. Oh, I’d kill to have your hair. I’d kill to have your beak, I love your feathers. It’s like… So, I’m sitting there, getting ready to pick out a dress for my wedding, and I was angry. That’s not an emotion you want to attach… to your wedding. I started to feel sad, and, for me, when I get upset about something, I attach it to literally everything else in my life. And it spirals. It’s not about the dress, it’s about how I feel about the dress, it’s how I feel about me, I’ll marry my dog, we’ll live in the woods! Like, it just goes, like that. Started to get real angry about my body ’cause it wasn’t fitting perfectly into the right dress that I wanted. I stopped and was, like, “If I’m feeling this way right now, there’s gotta be other women who feel this way.” So I’m going to say this ’cause I wish I’d given myself this pep talk that day. Here’s the truth. Girls, your bodies are perfect… and normal… and functional… and beautiful. There’s always one girl in back with a horn. “What about me?” No. Not you! Shave it. Quit following me. But we’ve been brainwashed into trying to live up to this Instagram Photoshop example of what beauty is. And some girls do look like that. Fuck them. No, some girls do. There’s always something you don’t like. We have to stop faulting ourselves for things that are very normal. “I’ve got cellulite. What if he doesn’t want to have sex with me ’cause I have cellulite?” Well, 100% of women have some form of cellulite. If he doesn’t want to fuck you ’cause you got cellulite, he’d better start fucking dudes, ’cause… there’s no other option till the robots take over. Moreover, he doesn’t want to have that conversation. A guy doesn’t find it attractive when you verbalize over and over how much you hate something. “But my cellulite? I showed it to you.” Look at that. I’ll make a face out of it.” He doesn’t… The conversation he wants to have is the following. “Let me ask you a question. Are you going to continue to breathe during intercourse?” You’re, like, “Yeah, I was planning on it.” He’s, like, “Then we’re cool. That holds up in court… I found out.” But I’ve got this, and chub, and I don’t like my arms. And I have stretch marks, from growing from an infant! And I don’t want to be this hand-holding, like, “Every woman is perfect.” Look, you might not be perfect, okay. I’m not here to judge that, if you’re not, if you are. What I say is it’s up to you to decide how much you love your body. Fuck everybody else. Don’t fuck them– Not literally. But… if it makes you feel good! It probably won’t. It’s up for you to decide, because we get so upset, and you know what? The guy you like probably isn’t even going to notice the thing you hate. Most people won’t. Men won’t. Most of the things, a guy is not going to notice. They’re not that observant. 40% of men can only see three colors. 40% of the men here don’t know that that’s red. Notice it’s a hollow laugh. 40% of the men are, like, “Hah! Oh, fuck. Siri, what is red?” And, again, you might have a perfect body. You might not have a great body. I don’t know what you got under that tarp. You could have… blown out the whole region with a bad wax strip, I don’t know. But I do know is this. Whatever you have as a woman, whatever your body looks like, girls. However bad you think it is pales in comparison to the look of 100% of… scrotums! What is that? What the fuck is that? Why is this not the topic of every State of the Union address? Why is this– how come– my thighs can’t touch, but you have two dead baby birds, hanging. Sir, bat-like. Hanging. Sometimes so low, they’re in the toilet water. Hanging. Every guy here is laughing, smiling, or not making eye contact with me. Because it’s never occurred to men to question their bodies. Every guy is, like, “Why wouldn’t you want this on your face for free?” If we are to move forward as women, as feminists, we need to decide we won’t be shamed for what our bodies look naturally either. And just so you know, gentlemen. It’s something that we tolerate. But it’s not something that we fantasize about. It’s just the way it is, so we never really question it. But no woman growing up was, like, “This is my Backstreet Boys poster. This is NSYNC. And this is a nut sack!” Like, none of us! It’s hideous and, I’ll tell you something else, it’s a little traumatizing. ‘Cause we put effort into the way we look. And we’re sitting in bed, waiting for you to come out, just like you have every night, and you come out the bathroom naked. You look at us, and we look at you, like, “Oh, god, there it is.” Who’s the baby? Thank you so much for coming out tonight to have a good time. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-confirmed-kills-transcript/

Chicago, are you ready? Party goblins, are you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Iliza! Chicago! Thank you! Thank you for having me. I’d like to discuss something with you. There are two kinds of hungover. There’s the kind of hungover where you wake up the next morning and you’re like, “What? I touched his penis over his jeans? It’s okay, I’m sassy.” And then… there’s the kind of hungover where whatever happened the night before wasn’t even your fault. Because you weren’t mentally present for any of it. For ’twas not you that was is charge. ‘Twas your party goblin! Yeah. Just so you know, your party goblin sleeps in the back of your brain. For those of you that are unfamiliar with my work, she sleeps in the back of your brain – and she waits… – on a pile of rags… and regrets… and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits! For the perfect opportunity. She’s back there in your brain, sleeping her goblin sleep, just… Channing Tatum, stick of butter. And she will awaken… when she hears you say… “I guess I’ll just come out for one drink.” “I’ll just come out for one because I have to be up early.” Eat that sandwich out of the garbage and text your ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off! And by the way, there is zero culpability on the part of your party goblin. She’s not there the next morning like, “Oh, my God, are you okay? Do you need Pedialyte?” No! She doesn’t give a fuck. She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m. when you’re shit-faced in the back of an Uber, right? You scooped yourself into the back of this car. Your crowing achievement of the evening is that you didn’t die. And we’ve all had that moment. Anybody that’s been out drinking, you’ve been out, it’s been loud, there’s been yelling, dancing, you stole an ambulance, it’s been a crazy night. We’ve all had that moment of solitary drunken serenity where you get in the back of the car and you shut the door and for the first time all night it’s quiet. And you think, “Oh, my God, I made it.” Followed by, “I’m gonna throw up.” And the car is going, you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” You’re trying to hold it in, right? You roll the window down. You’re like, “Agh! It’s too much air!” You roll the window back up. You’re like, “Too much me!” You crack the window. You’re like, “No!” The vomit’s coming up. It’s right here, like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here. You’re like, “Uhh!” You’re trying to focus on anything to distract you. You’re listening to the radio. For the first time ever, you’re paying attention to the words of a Pitbull song. You’re like… # Uno, dos, tres… # We get it! We get it! You look at party goblin, she’s loving it. She’s got her head out her window like… And you know it’s your party goblin that got you by the manner in which you wake up the next morning. If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago. You wake up… When party goblin gets you, you wake up on your couch. Beds are for closers. You wake up on your couch, okay? You ever pass out on a pillow so hard, you get a cushion scar down the side of your face? And you wake up, no idea where you are, no idea where you were. You check your wrist, it’s just a dirty patchwork of entry stamps. Putting the pieces together from the night before is like the plot from Memento. No idea. You check your Instagram feed, it’s a blurry feed of pictures you took of your own face from this angle. It’s just me and three girls in a bathroom in East LA like, “Squad goals.” Who the fuck are they? I don’t know, but I think I’m in the gang now, right? No idea what you did the night before. We… I… You know when party goblin gets you by the amount that you sleep. I slept for 15 hours the other day. I slept so long, my muscles atrophied. Okay? I turned to fucking stone. You ever pass out with your full body weight on your hands, like… No blood in, no blood out. Your hands are just purple, bloated flippers. I slept so long, I almost died. Like, there was a point at around 4:00 p.m. where my soul was like, “Should I just go?” There’s different kinds of drunk. Some people think they get smarter when they’re drunk, some people wanna talk. The Latin phrase is in vino veritas, which means, “in wine, there’s truth,” which is why when girls get drunk, we’re always like, “Can I just tell you a secret?” “I don’t have a neck.” I don’t really make a lot of drunk mistakes but I worry when I make dumb decisions when I’m drunk for this simple fact. In my group of friends, I’m the alpha. I decide what we do. Obviously. I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars, mostly because no one cares, but I am the decision-maker. And what worries me is, if I’m doing stupid shit when I’m drunk, what hope do the sheep who I lead have… if that’s my example? So this is the story of one such night. So, we were out the other night and we were shit-canned. Like, the kind of drunk where you can’t even read. And then you realize it’s because… you’re in China Town. Actually, you know you’re fucked up when you’re in China Town and you can read. Ohhh! Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So… We’re drunk and we’re walking through China Town and we walk into a bar. I’m reticent to say that it’s a club because I’m 33, but there was a dance floor, a DJ and I had on a little body glitter, okay! You’re probably wondering, “Why are you wearing body glitter?” I will tell you, Chicago. Because my date was late to pick me up. Gentlemen! You need to know this about women. When we get ready, we have a list of things we do to reach our most attractive point. There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty… that women reach when they’re getting ready. And every minute you’re late to get us is one more minute we spend doubting ourselves, dicking with our makeup, and we get incrementally uglier… as time goes on. One time, my date was an hour late, I grew a tail. This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God. He walks in, I’m on the ground, there’s caboodle shrapnel everywhere. I’ve got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand, I’m like, “I’m a pretty girl!” “Save yourself.” But what happens is, we have time, so we start to add things, doubt ourselves. That’s where I found that glitter. “He’s not here. What’s this?” In hindsight, it wasn’t body glitter, it was straight-up craft glitter. But I was like, “I’m gonna put it on my face, make it dainty.” Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel that you can make something work? Do you ever feel that because you’re not trashy, you can pull off doing something that’s trashy? You’re like, “I can wear fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford.” Like it’s okay for some reason. That’s how I felt about that body glitter. I was like, “I’ll just do a little bit. I’ll do a classy amount. I’m just gonna do a little bit.” Fun fact, you know what body glitter up close looks like? Conjunctivitis. Like, real up close. “I’ll do a little.” Five minutes later, “Maybe just highlight the orbital rim. That way when we’re dancing, the light will hit it and it’ll be like, ‘Bing, anime! Ah!’ Keep going. Keep going.” Five more minutes later, “Maybe I’ll bring a little bit down here and highlight the jawbone so he knows I, what, come from good chewing stock?” Five more minutes later, sparkle fish! So now… I look like a goddamn road flare and we’re in public. So… We walk into this bar and one of the difficult parts about being a woman, besides everything, is that… It’s really hard. Is that you’re constantly battling with yourself. In the long run, we’re battling our weight, hair color, wrinkles. Minute to minute, it’s just an adjustment of your hair and your bra and your underwear and your makeup and your mustache, braid it, bead it, set it. You’re always doing something. Because if one thing is off, then the night is ruined, Scott, okay? One time, I left my house without mascara on. I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway. Like, “No!” “They will see the whites of my eyes!” Everything has to be perfect. And guys, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting being a girl. Did you know, fun scientific fact that I made up on the way here, that women get four minutes out of every night, four minutes out of every night where our brain sends a message to our body saying, “Everything’s okay, stop messing with it”? Four minutes out of every night where your brain sends a message to your body like, “Homeostasis achieved.” You’re like… And the rest of the time, it’s just mayhem! Everything has to be perfect. So, we walk into this bar, my first thought… “I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!” I’m not even a big lip liner wearer, but in that moment, ’twas everything. In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay? I had to take a liner, I had to find my liner and line my chola lips, okay? That’s what I had to do. So glad that got a response. In North Carolina, nothing. Okay. Had to fix my lip liner, had to be right then. To the gentlemen in the room, I don’t expect you to understand the urgency with which I had to fix my lip liner. The only thing I could liken it to in male culture is, like… when you feel you have to adjust your balls. Similar immediacy. As we’ve seen, unfortunately. When you feel that’s gotta happen, it’s gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go! In front of children, Christmas Eve, family portrait, messing with my dick. # Messing with my dick in public # Wahoo! # It’s a dick puzzle and I’m solving it now # # Maximum comfort at any cost # # This is my right, Nancy, get off my back # So… So many guys right now have to adjust. They’re like, “I’m not gonna do it!” I believe that’s what Elvis was doing. Makes sense. Needed my liner. Now you understand that I needed it, guys, okay? Needed the fucking liner. That means I had to find the liner in my bag. However, I had a big bag. There’s a very specific way that women will search for something when we have a big bag. What do you do? You take a designated search claw… and you plunge it. Never breaking eye contact with your prey, I mean your date. Notice I haven’t blinked, Chicago. Dedication acting. The constant eye contact being a reminder that, yes, I can multitask and keep talking. I’ll make a great partner. Marry me. Meanwhile, to the outside world, it looks like you’re wrestling with a very small bass. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. Still haven’t blinked. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. “I’m listening. Keep talking. Keep talking. I can look and listen. Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker. I’m listening.” You’re digging around in there. Meanwhile, as a woman, you’re having to come to terms with the seventh layer of hell that is the bottom of your bag. It’s just a graveyard of dismembered pens, there’s coins. Why is there always a Nature’s Valley granola bar crumbled… at the bottom? You stick your hand down, you come up with oats between your fingernails. You’re like, “Ow! Ow!” Digging around. A gym lock, a phone charger, a concealer without its lid. Why? Why can’t we make them with retractable lids that don’t break off? Because you stick your hand down there, unknowingly you come up with one creamy finger. You’re like, “No!” “No!” But it was expensive, so you’re like, “No!” So now you look amazing. Keep looking, keep looking. Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking. Tampon out of its wrapper. Maybe I keep it. No, I’ll get sick. Digging around. If it’s out of the wrapper, don’t keep it. Sometimes it’s like, “I’ll just…” Don’t blow on it and… You’re gonna get dysentery, you’ll never finish the Oregon Trail. Seven or eight seconds go by, I cannot find my lip liner. Seven or eight seconds go by, which in girl years is, like, forever, I cannot find my lip liner. So, what’s a logical thing to do? Maybe use the other hand to add to the search, right? To aid in the excavation. Maybe get a cellular device to illuminate the situation. Not me! I dropped to my knees on a dance floor, dumped out the bag and start sifting through it like Helen Keller learning how to spell water. Fun fact. Girls, if you wanna let people around you know that you’re absolutely not on the same mental playing field as them, a great way to do it, I found, is to dump our personal property onto a shared communal space, because that immediately lets other bar-goers know, “I don’t give a fuck!” “Where is it?” This body language, this body language, this feral-raccoon-like body language… was enough to alert the door guy. You’re a door guy at a busy nightclub, you’ve got a lot to deal with. However, he found my witch over a cauldron behavior… threatening enough to leave his post, flashlight in hand, and walk up to me. He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight, black guy, good-looking. I had to say he was good-looking. Because I said he was black. Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled political correctness in our country, if you say someone’s color, other than white, you must assign them an accolade, deserved or otherwise, to prove that you’re not racist, when in the first place, I wasn’t fucking racist, I was giving you an accurate depiction of the events that transpired. I didn’t see his face! Dude had a flashlight in my eye! I can tell you this much. Black, white or other, there’s no way he was hot. He’s six-eight. They get weird-looking after a certain height, okay? Structurally, it gets weird. Okay. I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong Okay, so… It’s true. There’s no hot giants. So he Shreks up to me… And I feel his presence and I see the ball of light and I hear his voice and he goes, “Everything a’ight over here?” Fucking no, dude, everything is most definitely not a’ight. I’m on the floor. I don’t exist on this plane. Fun fact about being on the floor. As an adult, when you choose to take it to this place, you lose all credibility. Nobody wants to hear the prerogative of someone on the floor. If you have to crane your neck up to explain yourself, you are fucked, okay? You don’t believe me? You ever tried to get the life story of someone sitting on a curb? No. Because they were sitting on a fucking curb and you didn’t wanna talk to them. They were someone who’s drunk, on a lot of meth or like a really pissed off bridesmaid just waiting for the service to be over. But now I’m on the floor and I’m nervous because that’s an authority figure and in my head I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m gonna go a bar jail.” “What if they repossess my wedges?” But I was drunk and in my head I’m like, “It’s cool. Be smart. Explain what you’re doing. Whatever you do, Iliza, just sound intelligent.” Instead, what came out of my mouth was, “I gotta find my lip liner, man!” And… what I feel he understood, nay respected, nay… Neigh. Resonated with wasn’t that I had to find my lip liner. What I feel he understood was the sheer amount of white-girl crazy… coming out from behind my eye. Because he then gave me the international verbal sign for, “I respect you and fear you, I’m going to back off,” which is… “A’ight, then.” And he just walked away. I never found my lip liner. It was, like, in my other bag. I didn’t like that experience. I didn’t like being on the floor. And I didn’t like being on the floor for a very specific reason. As a woman, I didn’t need a reminder of how vulnerable women are on a day-to-day basis. Being on the floor, it’s a very vulnerable place. I didn’t need that reminder. And women in our society are vulnerable by virtue of the fact that we are physically not as strong as men. That’s the root of the issue, that’s the root of the oppression. And that’s the root of oppression of any side of war throughout history. One side was stronger, they get to make the rules. Do you think for a second that if women were physically stronger than men we would’ve waited for the right to vote? It’s 1910, some jacked-up housewife is just putting up weight in her garage. She’s got a shaker of horse testosterone and creatine. Her little husband comes in, he’s like, “You’re not voting.” She’d be like… “Out of the way, Jedediah.” “Mama’s going to the polls.” It’s physical strength, that’s the root of the issue. Physical strength. And they try to placate women. They try to tell us we’re other types of strong. Sure. But none that matter as much as physical strength. “Well, you’re a woman, so… mentally strong.” Mentally strong. You put up with him all day, huh?” Pfft! Mentally strong. Mentally strong? What do I do with that? Mentally strong. What do I do when a rapist runs at me? Math? It’s physical strength. Physical strength is what counts when it comes to protecting yourself and women are only naturally physically super-human strong when it comes to two things. The first is a recent one, and that’s CrossFit, which… It’s enough, by the way. It’s a cult. Okay? It’s insane. It goes… Scientology, CrossFit, people without celiac disease that don’t eat gluten. It’s a cult, okay? It’s enough. “I can deadlift 600 pounds.” Cool. What Starbucks do you work at? What are you… Guard a village. Join up. What are you doing with that muscle, all the horse meat? The workouts that they’re doing, it’s all snake oil, I believe, okay? Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, the foundations of a military workout, these are applicable in the rest of your life. Instead, they’ve got a father of six at 7 a.m. flipping a monster truck tire? Why? When do you need that? When do you need to know the form for that? What post-apocalyptic gorilla playground… are you gonna find yourself in? Why don’t we give you an empty suitcase to throw around your cage, Peaches? And the rope thing. There are other ways to build up your pectoral muscles. Men have been doing it for centuries. Instead they’ve got you using a rope. When are you gonna use that? “Timmy’s stuck down by the dock under some boat rope!” “I got it!” And the only time that women are naturally, exceptionally physically strong is when it comes to childbirth. And that’s amazing. Yes. It’d be amazing if those were all men with, like, really high-pitched voices. It’s an amazing amount of super-human strength that unfairly women only get to tap into when they’re having a baby. You only get to tap into that super-human strength once, maybe twice a year, but that second baby’s gonna be very tiny. You only get to use it then. That’s a disproportionate amount of strength. Mother Nature is playing a cruel joke on us. Do you know how many pounds of pressure per square snootch inch it takes to deliver a baby? We’re not even using our hands! You’re like python-like digesting a goat. “Get out of there!” Using fucking grit and rage and, like, a mother’s love, but just, “Aghh!” Sparta! Just fucking going. You can do that with your body, yet the rest of the year, we have trouble not doing push-ups on our knees. That doesn’t seem fair. We’re only exceptionally strong when it comes to children. We have something called mama bear strength. So that means when your child is in danger, your child, someone else’s child, “Sorry, junior.” Your child… “Lift the piano off your legs yourself, okay, I’m not your mama.” When your child is in danger, in that moment, through adrenaline, you can develop super-human strength and save the baby. So if your child is trapped under a car, you can go ahead and flip that Buick like an orangutan, no problem. Yet if you’re a single girl walking alone on a Saturday night and some maniac runs at you, what’s your defense? Like, “No, two plus two is four.” We’re millennials, we’d probably use our phone calculators. That’s why sexual harassment is such a big deal. It really has less to do with the disgusting thing a man feels he has the right to yell at you out of van or a truck. Never out of a Civic for some reason. But for the girls that might not know, you can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t give someone the right to treat you like an animal. You can wear whatever you want. You can leave the house out naked. You will go to jail, but you can do whatever you want. But it has less to do with what a man is yelling at you, and nobody wants to say this, but I will, what it has to do with is the underlying notion that if that man wanted to act on it, he could. And if you don’t believe me, every girl knows what it’s like, a guy yells something disgusting at you, and because you’re strong, you yell back. He’s like, “Nice tits.” You’re like, “Fuck off!” Immediately followed by, “What if he kills me?” Like, there’s that moment. Hoping to God that your bark was big enough that you don’t have to take a lady bite. Being sexually harassed is the worst. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst. If he’s hot, it’s just plain old flirting. No one’s ever been like, “Get away from me, you model!” That’s fine. It has to do also with an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy. And women are very aware of that. Every woman in here knows what it feels like to have a guy’s eyes on you when you find him attractive. It’s the best feeling. When you see hot guys and you walk by, you’re like, “Hope they’re looking at my butt. I feel so good about my little haunches.” When the dudes are gross and you walk by, you’re like, “Please don’t look at my butt, please don’t look at my butt.” Having someone sexually harass you, it’s their energy on you. It feels like you’re getting shot with a dick gun. That’s what it feels like. Minding your own business, like, “I love being an independent woman.” “Nice tits!” “Agh!” Aw, he got a boner for free. Women have to think about these things. It’s hard being a girl. I haven’t been a guy in, like, a while, but it is difficult. And we’re constantly questioning ourselves and we’re constantly being told that what we feel is wrong and how we look is wrong. And we tell it to little girls and it sticks with us. Take a man and a woman shopping. Nothing will fit because fashion is the enemy, for sure. But nothing will fit the woman for negative reasons and nothing will fit the guy for positive reasons. Take a woman shopping, “Nothing fits, my arms are fat, my thighs are big, I’m fucking gross, I hate my body.” Take a guy shopping, an average man of average build, five-ten, 170, “Nah, I can’t buy off the rack because my shoulders are so abnormally broad. I’m tall. For my height, my waist tapers at such an Adonis-like angle.” My dick is so girthy, I can only wear JNCOs.” “It’s hard for me.” These are good things. Women are told to change. It’s okay if men are the same. That’s why we have stereotypes. That’s why you’ve got the stereotype of your Grandpa, “I sit in my chair, I drink my beer, I’ve got the remote, I fought in Korea, don’t fucking talk to me,” right? “I’m not moving, you move!” Women aren’t like that, right? What do women do? “I’m taking a class.” Love classes. “I’m learning more about Cheryl.” “I’m meeting Cindy for the first time.” There’s two women in this monologue. I’m two different women, it’s fine. “I’m learning to breathe. I’m getting a sense of myself. I’m canning. I’m canning my own beets.” For no reason. I live in the middle of a city. I just thought I wanted to connect. I’m canning my own shit now. I take it, put it in there, I let it solidify, I make jewelry, I sell it on Etsy. It’s nice pocket money.” “I’m learning about myself. I’m learning to breathe. I’m cutting my own hair.” “I’m learning to make my own tea, putting the hair in the tea, I drink my hair.” Changing. We always wanna change a little bit, right? Always wanna lose a little bit of weight. No matter what your body looks like. “I just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” We think that’s the answer. “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds before lunch.” “So I can have more lunch.” Because we think being skinny is the answer, right? It’s not even enough to be skinny, is it? It’s not even enough to be thin, is it? You have to be the thinnest out of your friends, who you hate. You don’t believe me? Look at any Instagram picture of more than four women. It’s a fucking pose-off. Dudes don’t care. They’ll turn around like gorillas mid-meal. “Take the picture, I don’t care. Fucking…” Girls, it’s like a Mr. Universe, like, “Fucking line up! Line up! Make it pointy! Concave! Make it fucking pointy! Kisses. Neck vein. Look at the motherfucking neck vein. Hamstring. Happy birthday, Stacey.” It’s not enough to just be thin, right? You wanna be the kind of thin where your friends… are worried for you. So thin. Horrible looking. Stalking around Gap Kids. “I wear a youth large, thank you.” Right? Fucking femur for days. Right? Mr. Peanut Legs coming out six seconds ahead of you. Like an R. Crumb comic book thinner, right? Just walking around, baby stegosaurus spine. Clothes hanging like moss off a willow tree. A fucking clavicle you can serve soup out of. Yeah! So happy! I like my body, but I always… Everybody wants to change something, right? I just wanted have shoulders that were so frail and tiny, little bird shoulders. Do they even have shoulders? No, it’s just… That’s what I want, I want no shoulders. I want the kind of shoulders where my bra strap just falls down. Just floppy hair. “Ohh. Whoops.” Men love it. They love it. They go crazy. One strap… Because it’s one less thing they gotta do, right? It’s not my fault I think that’s attractive. You see it on lingerie ads in magazines. The women are on the bed, bra strap. Men love vulnerability and that’s what that represents. “Not me, I like a strong woman.” Bullshit. Vulnerability. “Help me. Open this jar. Please help me.” They love it. What does the bra strap down represent? You’re not supported. When your tits are flopping around, you can’t run away. Yeah! I want that. I want that bone structure, right? I wanna have those shoulders. I wanna look like the girl on the cover of the playbill for Les Mis. Just… “Oh, monsieur!” It’s a ten-year-old French girl. Still, I want those bones. They do, men love vulnerability, right? That’s why the thin thing is the thing. That’s why women are expected to be… You can’t have a baby if you’re this big. That’s why we have to be… garden party. Like that kind of thin. Because if women are thin, there’s no nutrition, so you’re cold, you don’t leave the house, you don’t vote. Yeah! That’s why every model has that vulnerable look. That’s why models look like you uncovered a refugee from under a manhole cover. “Ohhh! Gucci.” They love vulnerability. And we do things to make ourselves vulnerable. Strong women are told to tone it down, right? But men are told to toughen up. We don’t let men be vulnerable. That’s not fair. But I can’t help you because I’m a girl and I can only fight one fight at a time. If you wanna come to my green room and cry after, I will… laugh at you. But, no… But we tell strong women to bring it down, right? High heels? Why do you wear high heels? So you what? Can’t run from your attacker. Good. Smoky eye makeup? Why does that make sense? What are you doing? You take the makeup, grind it into your eye. Why is that attractive? I figured it out. Smoky eye makeup makes you look like you what? Just choked on a dick and cried. Good. I am not wrong. It’s a little off-brand for me. I am not wrong. It’s not enough to be thin ever! You gotta be gaunt to the point of extinction. The kind of thin where it’s like, “What up, bitches? Find me.” That kind of thin. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I can only truly speak from the perspective of what I am. I’m an upper-middle-class white woman. Hope I die that way. And the expectation of being thin has been put on us for about 100 years. That’s been the look. The like… “Uhh, come, have some tea. Yes, these jeans are high. That’s not weird.” We like that look. And that’s a hard look to achieve. Some women die trying to be thin. And it was only in the last… forty years that women of color and women of other ethnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable, nay attractive, to have the body of a grown woman. Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere with the backside of a brontosaurus, like… “Que paso?” And it became attractive. And somewhere, with everybody having an agenda in our social conversation, it became okay to tell white girls to their faces, “You’re fat. Kill yourself.” Bullying us on Facebook. Because you’re white, so life must be easy. Which, I’m not gonna lie, it’s great. Being white is great. But… It became okay to say that because we are not spicy, right? White women don’t have a fire in them. There’s not a chili pepper here. Inside here is a scoop of Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream. And we’ll take it. Your boyfriend tells you you’re fat, we’ll be like, “I’m sorry, Chad, please don’t get out of the kayak.” “We’re gonna have an afternoon. I brought Jenga.” You know who has an unshakeable sense of self-esteem? Black women. You… Yes! You cannot tell a sister on her something isn’t working. She won’t believe it. Try it. Say to a black girl, “I don’t like those jeans.” First of all, I dare you. It will not rattle her for a second. Be like, “I don’t like those jeans.” She’ll be like, “Bullshit. I see you looking.” Girls, if you want respect, you’re gonna have to take it. It’s 2016. Let’s learn math, let’s learn science, let’s drop the body issues, okay? Don’t let anybody make you feel less than. Your bodies are perfect as they are. And if you want respect, you have to command respect, not demand it. Two totally different things. Commanding respect is in the actions, it’s the way that we speak about each other, it’s the way that you speak about yourself. If your whole agenda is to be sexual, and confusing being sexual with empowerment, and talking about fucking and sex all the time, thinking that that’s the reason that women are empowered, you’re fucking wrong. It comes with the way you treat yourself. Don’t call each other whores. Don’t call each other sluts. Because when you do that, society looks at you and they say, “Oh, it’s okay to talk to women that way.” You teach people how to treat you. Let’s get rid of the phrase “walk of shame.” What is that one? What is walk of shame? I don’t understand that. I’ve never had a walk of shame. What could that be? Walk of shame. What’s there to be shameful about? What’s the shame in the fact that he and I went out, we had the same amount of vodka, he got too drunk to get it up, so he passed out, then I used his credit card to buy $100 worth of Chinese and stole his golf clubs? Walk of shame! We’re starting from behind here, girls, we’ve gotta say smarter things. From now on… Let’s make a pact. From now on, I don’t wanna hear any more women talk about how they wanna be… mermaids. Okay? Okay? It’s stupid. And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but it’s probably not gonna happen for you. Okay? Literally, you don’t have the bone structure. What worries me, I see it a lot and it’s not from children, it’s grown women, like, “I don’t wanna be adult any more. I wanna be a mermaid.” You… The amount of escapism that’s in that sentence! You wanna move to the woods, you wanna make jam, fine. At least you’re still paying taxes. You wanna be a mermaid? That means all of your achievements in life are gonna lead to you being a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor. That’s what you want? That’s what mermaids are! Read a book! Because I see it a lot. T-shirts, right? “I am a mermaid.” “Yo soy mermaid.” “Je suis mermaid.” Let’s discuss the logistics… of being a mermaid, so that you have the information. If and when the job opportunity presents itself on LinkedIn… you can make an informed decision, okay? If you are a mermaid, you don’t sleep. Girls are like, “Oh, my God, I love sleeping.” “None for you. Just swim.” It’s chugging Mountain Dew Code Red. There are no beds, but there is Mountain Dew Code Red. You’re some white-trash jacked-up mermaid just swimming, swimming. And by the way, you don’t have fins. Remember, you’re half-human. So you’ve got arms. You’ve got these thick-ass traps, just swimming. You can’t stop swimming, because if you do, something will try to eat you, fuck you or kill you, okay? It’s not dissimilar to being a woman in a downtown area. So just swimming, swimming. Now, you’re swimming all day, you’re probably pretty hungry, right? How are you gonna catch food? Remember, you’re half-human. We don’t have animal-catching accoutrements, like claws and tentacles and lasers. We don’t have those kind of things. We have big brains. So I don’t know what you’re gonna do. Maybe talk a crab to death. Like, “Excuse me. Excuse me.” I was thinking of double majoring in psychology and communications. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you a cancer?” So now… you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re like, “I don’t care because I’m gonna lay on the beach like a mermaid.” No, you won’t. Sailors are gonna try to fuck you and the Japanese will definitely try to eat you just for funsies, okay? You’re swimming around like, “I don’t care because I’ll have long, flowing hair.” No, you won’t. You ever go in the ocean? You guys aren’t on an ocean, you’re on a lake. You’re a lake mermaid? What are you, half trout? Kill yourself. Ohh! Freshwater mermaid? What if you got, like, the weird end of the genetic pool and you were half turtle? No tail but just half… “Long flowing mermaid hair.” You’re not gonna have that. You ever go in the water when there’s waves? You won’t have long flowing hair. You’re going to have one giant mer-dread. And it’s just gonna follow you. It’s just one big old mer-lock and it’s getting caught on propellers, it’s getting caught on anchors. There’s sea lice living in your mer-dread because that’s a warm, hospitable environment. Then there’s fish feeding off those sea lice. There’s an entire sustainable maritime ecosystem attached to your fucking head. You drag it around. Sea lice are nipping at your scalp. You gotta get rid of it, right? You’re like, “I’ll just cut it off.” Ain’t no scissors in the ocean, all right? I don’t care what the Little Mermaid told us because she was a liar and a hoarder. Hoarder! We let it go because she was pretty, but she was super-gross. # Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? # That’s a used toothbrush. Don’t put it in your… Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! You’re gonna get sick! Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread because it’s a hazard, so what do you do? You have to get another fish to help you. You have to do what they do in the animal kingdom. You must what? You must what? Who here took marine biology? You have to what? Form a symbiotic relationship with other marine life. Good. And have that fish… come in with his fish tooth and just saw off your mer-dread, right? It’s gonna be bad-looking. But now, remember, you gotta pay that fish back. That’s the nature of a symbiotic relationship, you must reciprocate. How you gonna pay that fish back? You ain’t got no money, shell-tits. I hate to say it, but the only thing you have… is fish sex and I don’t know if you have a vagina because I’m not an ichthyologist and I don’t know how fish work. I should’ve looked it up before the taping but I’m just trying to tell you some jokes and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. You know what fish do? They poop. You’ve got a fish butt. So think about that. So. So now you’re swimming around, you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’ve got a fucked-up haircut, you’re like a little sore, you’re like… “I don’t care. I’m gonna be a mermaid. I’m gonna swim. Because I will swim like a mermaid.” Let’s remember how mermaids allegedly, because they are not real, swim. They swim… like dolphins. Hey, ladies, do you love ab day at the gym? Well, that’s your fucking life, sister! “37. 38.” Just trying to get through. Your entire existence is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer. Just swimming through the nineties. So, you can be a mermaid or you can always get a job in front of a used car dealership. No mermaids. We can do better. No mermaids. I worry for women. I worry for men. I worry for our country. Is anybody else really worried for our country? So I’m worried… And by the way, I am very proud to be an American and I love my country very much and I want the best for it. There’s no joke, it’s just a statement. I love being an American. What I’m scared for… What I’m scared about aren’t so much the nightmares clawing at our front and back doors, both politically, foreign, domestic, economical, ecological, whatever. What I’m scared about is the fact that, like, my generation is supposed to be grown-up and mature now. I represent the millennials. Perhaps you’ve seen our Instagram pages. Yeah, we cheer for ourselves. We’re the worst. I will say this as the Lorax of my generation, mustache, we… didn’t ask to be spoiled. Our parents loved us and they gave us everything. That’s the job of the generation prior, to give the next generation a better world than they had. So I’m gonna apologize to my grandkids for the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke that they’re gonna inherit from us. But that’s what the people before you do. And I believe that this wave of entitlement started with our grandparents. Our grandparents were called the greatest generation, and I believe that they were. They selflessly gave and they made this country the idea of America that a lot of us miss. White people. The rest of us, it was horrible for most of them. But in general… The main points of it, okay? Your grandparents had to fight. They had no choice. Grandpa had to fight in World War II. Grandpa was straight-up drizafted, okay? He had no choice. And when he came home from the war, all he wanted to do was have a family, have a job, be a little racist and live the American dream, that’s it. He fought, he got right to work. It’s not like guys today who’d be like, “Oh, I just wanna backpack around Oregon and find myself.” No! And they’re allowed to say that because, whether you like them or not, our military does such a good job of defending us on a day-to-day basis. And I know that TSA blows. But they do such a good job that you’re allowed to mentally check out. Like, if you don’t like the war going on right now, unlike it on Facebook. You’re allowed to do that. There was no concerted effort. You didn’t have to fight. My point is, there was no day we all gathered in our town squares and threw our iPhones into the center so the military could use the scrap metal. “What’s this? A droid? Take it back, freak.” We didn’t have that. I think it’s difficult to conceive of a world where you have to sacrifice so much and to understand what our grandparents did because now they’re old, and when you think old, what do you think? Cute, right? Your grandparents are cute because they’re tiny, shrinking. Pick them up, put them down, they don’t like it, sprinkle water, “Get it off me.” And the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you’ve developed some weird prerogative kitten-like nickname for your grandfather. Oh, it’s not Grandpa anymore, it’s like, “This is my Nim-Nam.” “This is my Yippers.” “This is my Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop doesn’t give a fuck. He’s like, “I was a prisoner of war for six years, call my Pip-Pop, I’ve had worse.” “Oh, my God, you guys, my Pip-Pop is so cute. Oh, my God, Pip-Pop, he’s so cute, you guys. Sometimes at Christmas, when Pip-Pop falls asleep, we like to decorate him with Christmas bows. Isn’t that funny? Silly Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop’s got 53 confirmed kills! Don’t think for a second Pip-Pop doesn’t remember how to repurpose that Christmas bow around your neck to get the intel that he needs out of you. “Sit the fuck down, Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Crandon, whatever your fucking hipster name is, sit down!” Pip-Pop came home from the war and then they had our parents. Our parents are called the baby boomers because Pip-Pop came home from Normandy and he was like, “I’m not dead. Boom, Gladys, let’s fuck.” And then… The baby boomers, ask your parents, were the first generation that were allowed to be artists on a mass scale. You didn’t have to work on your family business, you could take drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, you could do and be what you wanted to be in the big city. The baby boomers had generation X. I don’t care about them because I’m a millennial. We showed up, got a trophy for breathing and then we invented Instagram. What’s insane about Instagram is this. We use hashtags, right? Hashtag, formerly known as the pound sign. She got a makeover. What’s weird about a hashtag… is this. The more hashtags there are under a posted picture on Instagram, the less likely the last hashtag is gonna have anything to do… with that posted picture. You got more than four hashtags under your picture, you are witnessing a human thought process devolve. By the end, it’s just word association. Free word association. Bunch of people on the beach, Fourth of July, right? “Fuck, yeah! #FourthBitches #Fourth #BeachDay #BDay #lndependenceDay #lndependentWoman #Beyonce” Yes! “#Blessed #IPayMyBills #BikiniBody #BeachBody #BoutThatLife #DontNeedAMan #DontWantAMan #NeverHadAMan #SometimesToFeelAHumanEmotion ILikeToDrinkMyOwnHair… What? What? What? Say something. Talking about? And then, because we’re so hard on women, we’re mean to women when they’re proud of their bodies on Instagram. We only allow women to post pictures when they’re a work in progress, right? “Keep it going.” If you’re ever like, “This is as good as it gets, fucking check it out!” it’s like, “You whore. You showy fucking bitch.” So instead of empowering women and letting them be proud of themselves, women have to shroud their pride in misdirect hashtags. So you’ve got a generation of girls proud of their bodies in a bathroom like this, and rather than be like, “#CheckOutMyBodyImSoHappyWithMyself,” instead she’s like, “#CheckOutTheGroutWorkOnTheseTiles.” Who’s looking at that? I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever dated someone who is… so pretty… but so stupid? Notice, it’s girls cheering. All the guys are like, “Yeah, I brought her here. Keep it moving!” “I don’t wanna get in a fight!” So, men can do that. Women really can’t. And the reasoning isn’t because men are dicks, there’s nothing like that, it has to do with the wiring of our brains. Men are visually stimulated, women, unfortunately, are cerebrally stimulated. Men are visual creatures. They have to be attracted to a woman before they can get to know how amazing she is inside. They have to be… A dude will date a Popsicle stick if it’s got a wig. Like, it doesn’t matter. That’s why it’s tough, because you wanna be a feminist, like, “I don’t have to get ready for a man,” but that’s what they’re attracted to. Just the littlest bit. Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s like, “I don’t get it. I volunteer and I rescue animals and I’m very sweet.” It’s like, “Yeah, but you’re so ugly so you have to… Just brush the hair! Just, anything! One tooth.” You don’t have to have it out there. He cannot check out your personality from across the room. That’s all I’m saying. No man has ever done that. No man has ever seen a woman who’s sitting there nibbling on her nubs with, like, a gill… and walked up and been like, “Excuse me, you’re hideous, but you look like you might enjoy Tom Clancy, light nipple play and barbecue. Is that true?” And women do stuff to make themselves physically attractive. Even if you’re not trying that hard, most of the stuff we do is just to get men’s attention. Shiny hair. Why is your hair shiny? It makes you look fertile. Thanks, Pantene. But that’s why. There’s no reason to have it shiny other than to get attention. You’re not, like, deflecting a car light when you’re running. Big eyes. “Look at me! My lips look like a vagina and my boobs look like a butt and my butt looks like boobs. I’m a Mrs. Potato Head. Mate with me!” You may not like it, but I’m not wrong. Women are cerebrally stimulated. That’s why we say the number one thing we look for in a man is a conversation. “Someone I can talk to. Sense of humor.” I have dated gutter goblins who were just, like, really funny and smart. “I just wanna talk to him. It’s sexy. I just want someone I can talk to. At. Just sit there and breathe, Steve.” We need that back and forth. We have to be able to talk. And it’s something that we need, and yet we’re chastised for it. You ever been called a “chatty Cathy”? By an idiot, but still, ever been called that? “A couple of girls just yipping away, huh? She’ll talk your ear off. Bunch of giblets in a henhouse.” No-one says giblets in a hen… That means the chicken’s already dead. Women are always chastised for talking a lot. The reason women talk goes back thousands of years. The reason women talk a lot, have a proclivity for speaking… Mm! Is when men would go out and hunt and fight and get animals, otherwise known as hunting… “Go get an animal.” Women stayed behind… And we raised the kids and we made food. And because the world wasn’t really a thing yet, we exchanged survival secrets. We would tell each other things like, “Oh, don’t eat that berry, it’ll make your husband’s dick fall off.” “Don’t wipe with that leaf, I found in my studies that it really hurts your vagina.” You had to exchange this information to keep your tribe alive. Now, that’s devolved to, “What color lip gloss?” but it’s the exchange of information. Girls gather and then share. So guys, when we’re talking and it bothers you, just know we’re trying to make it so your dick doesn’t fall off! That’s what we’re doing. Trying to help you! Trying to help you live! Nothing wrong with it. I’ll say it. I’m a feminist. You know what? I’ll say it for the women that don’t know to say it. And you might not be comfortable with it. Because a lot of women are like, “I love being a woman, but I’m not a feminist.” What are you, a horse? Like, what are the other options? Let me clarify it… for the men and the women who might not have a clear idea. Being a feminist means you just wanna be treated fairly, you just want it even, no more, no less. Maybe like a little bit more. You just wanna get the same. And a lot of women don’t like to say they’re feminists because they don’t think it sounds attractive, right? Which is inherently an issue in and of itself. Because men think feminist, they have a bad idea of it. Guys think of some square-jawed broad with three chin hairs and a power suit, like, “I’m gonna kick you in the dick and take your job!” That’s not what we want. We just want it even. If we’re gonna be feminists, let’s start with something fun. Wage gap, gotta close that. But let’s start with something everybody wants to deal with. Yeah, for sure. Duh! Let’s start with porn. Because even if you’re a woman and you love being a porn star, it’s still you taking it for, like, three hours, you’re getting paid 30 percent less and he’s actually getting off, so let’s make some feminist porn. Let’s see a porn where a girl kicks a door in, like… “Who wants to lick it? Line up! Go!” Go! Next! Go! Beat your best time. Go!” That’s so gross. So off-brand. So gross. Now, all the girls are cheering, because in theory, that’s empowering. But in practice, horrific. That would be horrible. No woman could withstand that. Halfway through the second guy, we’d all be like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay!” “It’s sensitive! I need a minute!” “I just need a minute! I just need a minute. Don’t hug me. I’m not mad, I just need a minute.” “Why don’t you go order us a pizza? I’ll fire up my Pinterest page.” Let me ask you a question. This is for the girls in the audience. This is a very real question, very real statement. Have you ever been… Have you ever been having sex with your boyfriend and you’re not into it, like, obviously, and then all of a sudden, you start to get really excited? Not so much from physical stimulation, but because mentally you’re like… “This is almost done.” And when it is done… we shall go to the farmers market!” You plan out the whole day. Guys, you have to make sure her head is in the game, no pun intended, but, like, pun intended for sure. I don’t think we check in with each other enough as opposite sexes. Men think because she’s making noises they hear in movies, she’s enjoying it. Women are like, “I’m making noises, let’s fucking get it over with.” If you care about the girl, you gotta make sure she’s getting what she wants. And girls, the best thing you can do, if you have great sex, the best thing you can do the second sex is over is… not talk to him. Sounds horrible. It’s actually to your benefit. That’s not your boyfriend lying next to you. That is a husk of a man… depleted of all bodily fluids… incapable of giving you the answer you deserve. And I get it. You just had sex, you’re feeling great, oxytocin is flowing, you just hosted a human being inside of you… You love him and you wanna talk about the future. He can’t do it. You look at him and say, “What are you thinking about?” He’s laying there, dust. “Ohh.” Get him a Gatorade, give him five. He can’t answer you. You’ll be like, “What are you thinking about?” He’ll never, ever be like, “You in a wedding dress.” But guys, if you love your girl, check in with her. Because you’re far away. She’s up there. You’re here like, “I’m amazing. I’ll bet she fucking loves this.” And we’re down there like, “I wonder if lavender is in season.” Still back there. “Siri, is lavender…” “Calling Mom Cell.” “No, Siri!” “No!” Snap. The moral of that story is I was in a relationship and I wasn’t happy, so I left the relationship. I’m not advocating for leaving the person you’re with. What I am advocating for is this. If you’re not happy, there’s no reason to stay out of fear of being alone. We like to scare women. And I’m sure there are men that feel this way. But we like to scare women when they’re single and we like to be mean to them and we label them. We say mean things to them. She’s a spinster. Old maid. Really involved with animal rescue. We have names like that. And we like to question them, as if there’s something wrong. “Why are you single?” “Because the last one was a dick and I’m not stupid.” Like, that’s why you do it. Nobody wakes up married. Nobody is born betrothed to someone. We have to be kinder to women and stop doing it. And we have the audacity to have magazines, self-help books, articles, posing the question, “You’re single. Now what? You’re single. Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” Now I shave off an eyebrow and take up with wolves. What do you mean, “Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” I got a mortgage. How about fuck bitches, get money? It’s so stupid. What upsets me is that women spend so much time and energy flogging themselves mentally for being single, and changing and trying different methods and looking for guys. And men don’t have to do that. They have the luxury of relaxing because they don’t have eggs. There are no articles in GQ like, “You’re single. Now what?” There’s none of that. The answer would always be, “Now I can jerk off where I want. No-one bugs me. #Sandwich.” The good part about traveling for the last year, I’ve had time for myself. More time from my research. I don’t do research. I just watch TV. But I wear a lab coat while I do it for the tax write-off. Before we get out of here, before we conclude this TED Talk… Does everybody here watch Shark Tank? So… All I want, all I want, is a live episode of Shark Tank. That’s what I want. A live episode. It’s a reality show. But if you watch it, you’ll notice it’s heavily edited, heavily produced, and what bothers me… is the presentations from the entrepreneurs are too polished. There’s no grit to them. They come out like a fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageant. “The natives called it maize. We bottled it.” I don’t wanna see that, okay? I want to see you mess up. I wanna see you trip. Maybe you forget your words. Maybe you chip a tooth. I wanna see you crumble as an entity before my eyes. Only then will I tolerate you rising from the ashes with any degree of hubris. That’s the way to consume American reality TV. The sheer schadenfreude of watching someone shit themselves on TV and then building them back up. That’s what we like to see. Okay? These are cattle farmers from the middle of Iowa and they get in front of a camera and suddenly they’re Winston Churchill? I don’t buy it, okay? I speak for a living and even I mess up, so there’s no way these two fucking dye jobs from ASU with, like, a new take on cookies, there’s no way! Flawlessly orating. There are three archetypes of women that they like to have on Shark Tank. They love to have moms, because most of us have moms. But what’s crazy and, like, creepy is that all the moms on Shark Tank have the exact same voice. It’s a little Stepfordian. They all sound like this. “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Nancy from Laguna Niguel and I’ve discovered a new way to get your toddler to eat their blueberries.” Then they have really smart women. They do. They’ll have brilliant women. But it seems that the smarter the woman, the longer the last name. Like, they’ll hyphenate their last names. I can’t stand hyphenated last names. If you’re in this room and you’ve got a hyphenated last name, chop it in half! Okay? You’re not Spanish royalty. Chop it! I barely care about your first name. Let alone the entire questionable heritage. When you have a hyphenated last name, all that makes me think is that mama was a big old strong lesbian and she didn’t wanna give up her family inheritance so she begrudgingly married your father, now they have separate twin beds and are co-women’s studies professors at Wellesley. It’s also just so much information. I’m trying to hear you, your valuation, listen to the equity, and you’re coming up there with a phonebook, like, “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Michelle-Lida-Julia Freeman-Cereal.” “And I’m Rebecca-Lynn-Stacey Fitzgerald-Yang. And together, we sound like five dudes.” Like, it’s a lot… of information. Are you inventors or a law firm? Like, what is that? And then in the final category, the toy category, we have the hot women. Not attractive. Not cute. Fucking hot. Teeth, tan, tits, hair. “Sharks!” Sometimes they do this. They’ll have very smart woman on the show. Sometimes it feels like the hotter the woman, the dumber the product. And I believe it’s done to keep us in line. But… a lot of the time, the women’s products have to do with two categories. It’s either wrangling your femininity. “Sharks, it’s a flap you put over your vagina so no one knows you have one.” “Move through the workplace with ease.” Or it’s a product so stupid, it will just confirm any preconceived notions you might have about female intelligence. Like, “Sharks, it’s a shower cap that you can wear while you’re cooking so your hair doesn’t smell!” No! You just set us back, like, a week with that shit, Lexi. But that’s the one that I’d like to see live. The hot one. Because I believe watching an attractive woman mentally unravel… on national television is the reason we all watch reality TV. “Up next are two sisters from Scottsdale, Arizona, with a new take on popcorn.” Jiggle, jiggle. “Hi, Sharks! My name’s Madison.” Duh. They’re always named Madison, right? “And this is my sister, Michaela.” They’re always named Michaela. Fucking obviously. “And together, we are the inventors, creators and CEOs of… Put your back against mine.” “CEOs of… Put your fucking back against mine. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? We do this then we do the product, yes? Oh, my fucking goodness! We haven’t done the product yet. We can’t. We can’t start over. That’s what that light is. That’s fucking live, bitch. Yes!” “We can’t… Can we start over?” “No.” “I got nothing.” “Oh, my God, I’m not yelling at you! I’m not yelling at you. I’m not making it about me! Do not do this here! It’s fucking live TV! I’m not making it about me! You’re making it about me making it about you making it about me! I am trying to make this… Oh, my God. Okay. Just stay there. I will do it. I will do it. Just stay there. It’s fine. Stay there. I will handle it. Stay there, you fucking casualty. Okay, the other day, my sister and I were at home eating popcorn and crying, and we got down to the bottom of the bag. And, shake, shake, shake, what was left at the bottom? All the unpopped kernels. That’s when my sister and I decided that we should… Put your fucking back…” “Against mine. Put your fucking back against mine! What the fuck are you doing? I am trying… No! No! You’re not gonna fucking do this to me again! I am trying to keep this family together! Do you not understand that? No, this is not about me! I am trying to help! This is nothing like when Daddy died! You are being a bitch! I am trying to keep this family… She does this! She does this every time! Everybody’s gonna know that you’re a fucking… I wasn’t flirting with your husband! You are so fucking insecure! Because I slept with your boyfriend in high school and he turned out to be gay! No, it wasn’t your fault! Big fucking deal! He wanted to talk about your birthday so that fucking Michaela could turn 40 for the third time! You’re a fucking bitch! I need a minute! I need a fucking minute! I need… I need a Madison minute! Hold on! I’m fucking good. I’m fucking good! Let’s fucking do it! You wanna go? Shit. I don’t care. I am trying… I am not… I can’t. I can’t. Why are the walls bleeding? I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. I can’t do it. You being a… I shit. I shit my pants. Oh, good news. It’s not shit. It’s blood! It’s blood, you fucking monster! I am trying… I can’t… No. You know what? I am keeping it together. I am the stable one! I am keeping it… I am not… I am not yelling! I am not yelling. I am not yelling. Huh? What? Yes, it’s a hive. This happens. It happens every time you open your fucking whore mouth! Yes, I know! And I’m trying… I’m a good feminist. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! My tan is dripping off. I am not…” “I am not… I am not… I am not yelling. I am not yelling! I am using…” “I am using the vocabulary that Dr. Goldstein told us to use.” “I am requesting…” “that you… hear… my…” “desire… to communicate… in an open way… and put your fucking back against mine! She’s ruining it! She’s ruining everything!” “She’s ruining it. This is a big deal. We put everything… We put everything into this company!” “Did you really?” “No, but my mom did.” “I am trying to keep it together. Everybody depends on me because we spent all of our money on our first company and it shat the bed.” “What was your first company?” “I’m gonna tell them.” “I’m gonna tell them and you’re gonna look like the fucking psycho bitch that you are. Everyone’s gonna know. I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell the cameras. Is this camera still on? Good.” “Fuck you.” “Do you remember when… Um… Fuck, it’s, like, stuck right here in my nose.” “Uhh! Do you remember when, um, our country went through a recession, and everybody was losing their homes and their money? My sister and I decided that rather than save up or go back to school, we would do what every other girl without a marketable skill did, we… opened up a cupcake company.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but during the recession, there was a fucking boom in the confection industry! That’s because it doesn’t take a fucking rocket science degree to shit out, like, an okay cupcake. And, like, no one’s gonna say no to a cupcake. People will spend their last dollar. They’re not gonna be like, “No,” they’ll be like, “A cupcake. My day’s okay for a minute.” And we were feeding people these cupcakes and they were upside-down on their houses and they were jobless and we were feeding these depressed people cupcakes. And it’s a scientific fact that obesity and depression have a direct correlation, and we were just feeding the belly of the beast from within the belly of the beast and capitalizing off of it. People needed answers. They needed a viable option for credit, not a buttercream… Put your fucking back against mine! I swear to Christ, Michaela, if you ruin this for me, I will fuck your husband! Screw it! Cut! I should’ve been a mermaid!” Pack your hip!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Rowan Atkinson Live (1992) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rowan-atkinson-live-1992-transcript/

Filmed in Boston, Massachusetts, at the Huntington Theatre, on 12 December 1991, this show features Rowan Atkinson performing a series of comedy sketches before a live audience. Aired on HBO on 1 March 1992 as Rowan Atkinson: Not Just Another Pretty Face. The TV broadcast was marketed on video as Rowan Atkinson Live. * * * A Warm Welcome [Scene: A stage bathed in mist and flashing blue/white lights. Red Lights can be seen in the background. We can hear the sounds of screaming and thunder.] [Rowan enters from the back of the stage, wearing a red smoking jacket, white shirt, black trousers and horns. He is the Devil. He holds a clipboard.] [As he reaches the front of the stage, the “lightning” stops and all the lights go red] Devil: Ah hello… nice to see you all here. Well, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is hell. And I am the Devil. [pauses and nods to right side of audience] Good evening…. But you can call me Toby if you like. We try and keep things informal here…. as well as infernal. [turns to clipboard] Umm… that’s just a little joke. I tell it every time. Now you’re all here for eternity.. oooh, which I hardly need tell you is a HECK of a long time. So you’ll all get to know each other pretty well by the end but for now I’m going to have to split you into groups and would you stop screaming?! [screaming FX stops] Thank you. Now, murderers? Murderers over here please. Thank you. [throughout this bit he makes appropriate gestures, pointing out to various points around the stage and audience] Looters and Pillagers over here. Um, thieves if you could join them.. and.. Lawyers you’re in that lot as well. Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! I think I’ll split you into adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner. Hmmm… the French are you here? Yes. If you’d just come down here with the Germans… I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about. Okay,, ummm,,, Atheists? Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits. And finally… Christians. Christians? Ah, Yes I’m sorry, I’m afraid it turns out the Jews were right. Okay right, well… are there any questions? Yes? No, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. If you’d read your bible you might have seen that it was “damnation without relief”. So if you didn’t go before you came then I’m afraid you’re not going to enjoy yourself very much. But I believe that’s the idea. [gestures off stage at unseen person] Well, it’s over to you Adolph. And I’ll catch you all later at the barbecue.. Bye. [Exit Rowan as stage fades to black] * * * Fatal Beatings [Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for himself and his visitor] HEADMASTER: Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone. PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud. HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired. PERKINS: Oh dear. HEADMASTER: He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him. PERKINS: Dear me. HEAD: Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled. [long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.] PERKINS: I beg your pardon? HEAD: Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear. PERKINS: He’s dead? HEAD: Yes… he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green. And it’s very typical of his current attitude. PERKINS: [shocked] But… [Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins] HEADMASTER: You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable. And beginning to smell. PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!?! HEADMASTER: Is that important? PERKINS: [incredulous] Yes, I think so! HEADMASTER: Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system… [Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks up one of the library cards] PERKINS: Wait… I’m sorry…. You BEAT my son to death? HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced…. PERKINS: Well, exactly what happened? HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books. PERKINS: No, during the beating! HEADMASTER: Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was lying down… PERKINS: DEAD?! HEADMASTER: Ummm… deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing. [stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins] HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from. PERKINS:Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?! HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear. I wondered then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on. [Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to “get medieval” on the Headmaster] PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?! HEADMASTER: I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday! [a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door] PERKINS: This is preposterous! HEADMASTER: Yes it is. Or at least it would be… if it were true. PERKINS: WHAT?!?! HEADMASTER: I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg. [Mr. Perkins sighs with relief] HEADMASTER: I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit! * * * And Now, From Nazareth, The Amazing… [Setting: Inside a Church. Rowan is standing at a podium, in a priest’s robe and scarf. A little organ fanfare plays as he walks to the podium] And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, “They have no more wine”. And Jesus said unto the servants “Fill six water pots with water.” And they did so. And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not whence it had come. But the servants did. And they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said unto the Lord, “How the Hell did you do that”?!?! And inquired of him, “Do you do Children’s parties”? And the Lord said, “No”. But the servants did press him, saying “Go on. Give us another one.” And so he brought forth a carrot. And said “Behold this, for it is a carrot”. And all about him knew that it was so. For it was Orange. With a Green Top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it. And lo, he held in his hand…a white rabbit. And all were amazed and said “This guy is really good! He should turn professional!” And they brought Him, on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy. And they cried unto him, “Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy”. And the Lord said “If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I’d be pretty sick of the palsy too!” And they were filled joy and cried out, “Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer”. And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed. And Jesus said unto her “Put on a tutu and lie down in this box”. And took he forth a sword, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said, “Oh ye of little faith”. And he threw open the box, and lo, Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely Bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow. And he said unto her “From now on, you shall be known as Trixie. For that is a good name for an assistant”. And the people said unto him “We have never seen anything like this. You shouldn’t be wasting your time in a one-camel town like Cana. You should be playing the big arenas in Jerusalem.” And Jesus did harken unto their words. And he did go unto Jerusalem. And he did his full act. Before the scribes and the Pharisees and the Romans. But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they absolutely crucified him. Here ends the lesson. * * * Invisible Man [Setting: A subway train. Rowan sits on a bench, representing seats on the subway. Lights on a large projection screen in the back of the stage, suggest the motion of a subway, as does the background sound.] Announcer: And now, in the latest of our series, “A Day In the Life”, we present A Day In The Life of the Invisible Man. [Rowan enters the stage and sits down] INVISIBLE MAN: Every morning, I go to work by subway. Very soon however, I get bored and decide to start annoying other passengers. I usually select the most respectable looking person I can find and blow gently into his left ear. [Rowan looks around to his left] Then, into his right ear. [Rowan puts a hand to his right ear and then looks at direction] Then perhaps down the back of his neck. [Rowan grasps his collar and raises a hand, feeling for a draft] It’s about this time that the man thinks I am a draft. [Rowan puts his hand down] But not for long. For I soon stick two fingers up his nose. [Rowan looks on the verge of sneezing as the man does this] Higher and higher! Removing them just before he sneezes. [Rowan sneezes, looking quite embarrassed] Then I start to manipulate some other limbs. [Rowan’s arms begin slapping himself silly.] Now I leave him alone. For about 10 seconds. [Rowan’s right leg goes into the air, then his left, ending with Rowan being spread legged and quite vulnerable] And when he is at his most vulnerable, I kick him in the groin. [Rowan makes an appropriate scream, and hops to his feet, looking at the imaginary people around him in astonishment. He then tries to sit back down.] And steal his seat. [Rowan sits down then jumps as if having sat on someone. He then takes the seat next to it and the elbows the Invisible Man. We hear the Invisible Man scream as Rowan sticks his tongue out at him.] * * * The Good Loser [SCENE: Typical Awards Show Stage Any stage with a nice podium and curtain in the background will work. A male Presenter walks out] PRESENTER: Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year. And the nominations for this year are… Al Pacino for Death of a Salesman… Kenneth Branagh for Richard III And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play, Stench by Harold Bartworthy; And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter and David Falbert in the role of Mr. Gamet. [as the Presenter reads each name, a picture of each actor appears on the screen, except for the last David Falbert (Rowan), who is there for the ceremony and sitting in the audience.] PRESENTER: Now, these are four fine actors and I’m sure they all agree that the point is not to win, but to play the game….And the winner is… John Daniels! DAVID: Oh, SHIT! PRESENTER: Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight. So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf. David? [Reluctantly, David gets up from his seat and makes the long walk up to the Presenter. He then snatches the trophy (which looks oddly like a large stylized drinking glass) away from the Presenter and begins to make his way back to his seat. He stops on the first step as the Presenter speaks] PRESENTER: David? David! Perhaps you’d like to say a few words? [David looks as if he only has two words to say, but he does walk up to the podium] DAVID: Thank you Vanessa. Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close personal…. acquaintance, John Daniels. John cannot unfortunately accept it himself because he is in Hollywood… staring in his first major film role… with Meryl Streep. I am however, NOT in Hollywood, not having been offered even a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie! [David pauses to admire the trophy] DAVID: But what a delightful object it is that John has won. Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself….. when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco. So what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? Well, I think we all know the answer to that one…. syphilis! And what a great and heart warming thing it is….. that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors. Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London’s famous West End on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor. What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos, awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened, because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s LATEST rearrangement of “Puccini’s Greatest Hits”! Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me and I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped, in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon. * * * With Friends Like These (aka Wedding from Hell) NARRATOR: Did you ever have one of those days when everything seemed to go wrong? I did. Unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to blame. It started with the priest… [Lights rise on Rowan, who is in a black shirt with priest’s collar, white jacket and black trousers. He is holding a bible. A small makeshift altar lies in the background] PRIEST: I now pronounce you Man and Wife. Well done. You may now kiss the bride. [after a few seconds, he whispers to invisible Groom] Nice one. All right, please be seated everybody. I would just like to say a few words before communion. You know, a lot of perspective brides ask me these days, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” [The priest idly plays with a Communion Wafer] And I tend to reply by telling a little story about the first time I was asked that question. [The priest absently takes a bite from the wafer and then dips the uneaten half in the chalice of wine, finishing it off, during the next bit of dialogue.] It was a couple of years ago now… and the young, attractive bride-to-be came up to me after a service and asked just that question, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” And I replied, “Well you know, Joanne, I’d like to tell you. But unfortunately I don’t know what Felattio is.” And so she showed me. And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” I always reply “Well you know, I’d LIKE to tell you. But unfortunately I don’t know what Felattio is.” [Lights dim] ANNOUNCER: Next, came my trusted best man… [Lights raise on Rowan, this time in a white shirt with a tie] BEST MAN: Um.. right right right. Um.. ah… Ladies and gentleman and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party. How did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste? [gasps laughs nervously] Well, umm… umm… Just before I left the house this afternoon I said to myself that the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And so sure enough, when…when I left the house… [Rowan idly pulls something from his pocket. It’s a pair of ladies’ knickers. He quickly replaces it. He says Woo in relief, thinking nobody noticed the incriminating evidence.] Um.. ah…. the last thing I did, yes you guessed it, was to forget my speech. So it’s all ad-libbed I’m afraid. Umm.. Umm.. ah…. [Rowan ums and ah’s ad infinite, doing a nervous tic on each um and ah. He should look as nervous and drunk as possible] Right. Well.. Now.. where should I begin? I’d like to begin.. now [nervous laugh] Ah. Right.. Well I’ve known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight. And you know he hasn’t changed a bit. Umm.. well, that’s not quite true, of course. He didn’t have his beard then. [nervous laugh] And I’ll tell you this, he’d never have been able to do whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary…. extraordinary…. um…. Extraordinary how little people change, isn’t it? Although I know that I’ve changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass! Always blurting things out when I shouldn’t. For instance, this afternoon I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to resist mentioning the BIZARRE sight that greeted my eyes when I opened this man’s bedroom door earlier this morning and…. Um… yes.. but.. enough of that. He’s started making gestures at me now, which I think means he wants me to CUT my speech short. So, suffice to say, I think he’ll make a ripping husband. And I think his wife’s ripping too. And I can only hope that.. that the dress will hold out [laughs nervously] So I’d like to propose a toast, to go with the pate [nervous laugh] To the groom and his lovely horse.. uh… wife. [nervous laugh] It’s all starting to come back to me now… [laugh] and I just know their marriage will be as happy and satisfied as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning. Cheers! [Lights dim] ANNOUNCER: And finally, my loving father-in-law provided the perfect end to the perfect day…. [Lights raise on Rowan, wearing a light blue jacket with his previous costume. He looks grouchy and hungover. A mean drunk if ever there was one] F.I.L: Ladies and Gentleman and Friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity, schloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin. As far as I’m concerned. my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible… wealthy? Let’s not deny it…. well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question… why the hell did she marry Gerald instead? Because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick. If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap… and I think they can… then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. I think he is the sort of man people immigrate to avoid. I remember the first time I met Gerald. I said to my wife… she’s the lovely woman propping up that horrendous old lush of a mother of his… either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived. As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals I have ever had this misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog! I would like to propose a toast…. to the caterers. And to the pigeon who crapped on the groom’s families limousine at the church. As for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can sod off! I wouldn’t trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat! * * * Pink Tights and Plenty of Props [Scene: A Stage in an acting classroom. A professor enters from the back of the stage and sits at a desk at far stage right] Right. Good morning everyone. Settle down now, please. Now, as you may know we were hoping to have Mr. Jeremy Irons with us this morning, talking to us about Acting in the Cinema. Unfortunately, Mr. Irons has had to cancel due to an unforeseen awards ceremony. But I have been able to procure the services of a local actor, Mr. Bernard Huffer, who was luckily not busy. It is my pleasure now, to read for Mr. Huffer as he illustrates his own lecture on Shakespearean acting entitled “The Actor’s Art”. [Rowan enters from behind a screen on Stage Left. He puts down a throne-like chair with a crown on it. He is wearing TIGHT sky-blue tights that leave little to the imagination. After a minute of laughter, he modestly clasps his hands over his naughty bits and then tries to pull his turtle neck down to cover the offending area.] “The Actors Art” by Bernard Huffer. [Rowan begins to do stretching warm-up exercises which he stops as the Professor glares at him. He comes to sit in the chair and put the crown atop his head] At the center of the Elizabethan world, sits the King. Upon the character of the King depends the plot and so there are many kinds of Kings. The Benign King… [Rowan sits, legs crossed, making a swirling motion with his finger as he regards invisible subjects and smiles] The Benign King with a physical defect… [Again, Rowan makes the generous gestures, but his right leg becomes stiff and stuck in the air] The Mad King… [Rowan makes a crazy face, while circling his finger by the side of his head, the traditional crazy sign] The Evil King. [Rowan slinks down in his chair, shaking his fist angrily as villain music plays.] The Evil King hatching a plot. [Rowan wiggles his eyebrows deviously] The Mad King hatching an egg. [Rowan pretends he is sitting on an egg and then looks down and lifts up. He then cracks the egg and starts cooking it in an imaginary frying pan until the professor starts glaring at him again. He quickly gets up, removes the crown, and moves back to the screen.] An important part was also played by messengers, distinguishable into many types. The Messenger Enters Bearing Good News… [There is a fanfare as Rowan walks in cheering and unrolls a scroll. He then exits behind the screen] The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News… [Rowan sneaks in to a quiet fanfare. He moves behind the throne, places an imaginary scroll on the ground, moves behind the throne, taps the imaginary king on the shoulder, and quickly sneaks back behind the screen] The Messenger Enters Bearing Indifferent News… [Rowan enters to a flat-noted fanfare. He hands the scroll around, looking quiet bored, seeing if anybody wants it. He then puts the scroll on the ground and points at it. He continues to point at it as he advances behind the screen. In fact, he reaches up over the top of the screen to point at it once he is there.] The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News Which He Thinks Is Good News… [Rowan enters to the bright fanfare. He unrolls the scroll and double takes as he reads it. Quickly, his eyes scan over the news as he rolls it back up, smiles, and then tries to run to the screen. He is hit by something in the back, and staggers about yelling in pain.] Death came swift and often in this brutal world. [Rowan falls to his knees dramatically, and then just gets up and walks to the screen] Death could come at the hands of a total stranger. [Rowan comes out, walks around, pulls an imaginary dagger, and stabs an invisible person. He walks to the screen edge, glances back at the corpse, shrugs with indifference and then heads back behind the screen] Or it could come at the hands of one’s closest friend. [Rowan emerges from behind the screen smiling. He hugs an invisible person, letting an imaginary knife slide loose from his sleeve. He is about to backstab the person when they stab him in the stomach. He moans in pain and falls to his knees. Spoiling the drama, he hops back up and goes back to his screen.] Poison was particularly popular, applied to the frothing cup of ale of the unsuspecting victim. First we look at the simple poisoning kill. [Rowan holds a mug which he gestures with to unseen friends. He then drinks from the mug and falls to his knees making a vomiting sound. He quickly takes the cushion from the throne and covers the fake stain with it] And then, the Villain attempting to use poison. [Rowan shakes some imaginary poison into the mug as the villain music plays. He stirs it first by shaking the mug and then with his finger. He absently licks his finger and nods with approval before making the vomiting noise and falling to his knees] But in the end all of these are merely devices, amounting to nothing whatsoever without the plot. At the center of the plot lies the hero, who is King. [Rowan gallops out wearing the crown and assumes a heroic stance as the fanfare plays] He has a twin brother. [Rowan removes the crown as a different fanfare plays] Who is a villain. [Rowan slouches down and shakes his fist as the villain music plays] With a physical defect. [Rowan raises the middle finger on the fist he shakes] War comes and the hero must lead his men into battle. [Rowan wears the crown and gallops back behind the screen] At the gates, the hero’s mistress waits to bid her lover farewell. [Rowan emerges wearing a mop top on his head. He curtsies, looks about timidly and then gives a gentle kiss to the air, rubs the tears from his eyes and moves behind the screen.] And the villain’s mistress bids her lover farewell also. [Rowan curtsies, and glances about as before. This time however the mistress slips out of her gown , sticks her tongue out and then does “push-ups” for two seconds before running to get out professor’s glare.] The war rages on for many years. [Dramatic music plays as Rowan backs away from the screen, swinging a sword about and then pushes forward.] Until at last the messenger arrives with the bad news of the death of the hero. [A quick fanfare plays as Rowan’s hand appears from behind the screen and just drops the imaginary scroll, the messenger being wise enough not to enter the room] So the villian becomes king. [Rowan emerges with the crown in villain mode, complete with raised digit and Richard III hunched back] But the message was wrong. And years later, the hero returns. [Rowan gallops out and around from the left side of the screen, looking heroic and good] In disguise. [Rowan clasps one hand across his face] Revealing his identity to the audience with a serepticious wink. [Rowan looks right at the audience, his visible eye looking as thought it will pop out if the bugs it out anymore] But his brother the villain recognizes him and they fight! [Rowan alternates between the parts, the villain swinging wildly with the sword and the hero merely wiggling his wrist] Finally, the villain is mortally wounded. He dies… [Rowan makes one stab as the hero, slips the crown on and goes into a dramatic death moan as he sticks the plastic sword into himself falling to his knees.] … In character. [Rowan raises his middle thing in the direction of the professor and mutters in a deep, dying voice. “Ah, ya bugger!”] Our hero wins his rightful throne and celebrates with frothing cup of ale, found by the side of his Brother’s throne. [Rowan takes his place on the throne, dons the crown and takes a sip from an imaginary cup. He clutches his chest as if poisoned and glances at the Professor who glares at him again. Rowan waves it off and looks quite health, until he suddenly makes a vomiting noise and falls to his knees from the chair again] * * * No One called Jones [Setting: Rowan stands at a classroom podium, a stern teacher] Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit. Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup. Come on, grow up please. Genital. I’m sorry, Genital. Herpes. Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick don’t you? Jaculation. Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you’d like to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you? Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyoursh. Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent. Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. All members of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humor and puerile innuendo about the school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out! There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories. Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found. If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven’s sake, leave Yourprick alone! I don’t care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place. I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret. So there will be an end to this second form toilet humor where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick, detention Saturday. Right, I’m going to the staff room now, and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday, then there’ll be trouble! Transcribed by Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com) From Brit Skits at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Lot/5225/index.html

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM OKLAHOMA (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-live-from-oklahoma-2018-full-transcript/

Comedian Bill Maher took on President Trump and a variety of current topics during his HBO standup special in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you folks. Wow. Thank you very much. Oh, wonderful greeting, I appreciate that. I know, we are on TV… Thank you. Listen, I want you to know I’m here on purpose. No, no. Also I want you know we announced we were doing the show only 3 weeks ago here in Oklahoma. Since then, Scott Pruett got canned… [Applause] and medical marijuana got legalized… so… [Applause]. What can I say… I do what I can. ladies and gentleman. But, yes, medical marijuana here in Oklahoma you’re governor Mary Fallin said it would open the door to recreational use. Yes, yes Mary, it will. We’re counting on that but. But I mean I wanted to come I. I love the red states, I really do. I I wanted to come here because first of all – I mean this in the best possible way – I miss normal so much. I miss sensible, middle-of-the-country liberals so much. I would give anything for a boring president. For a president to bore my balls off every day. I wake up every day and look at the phone through one eye like… “what did the mental patient do today?” I… I feel like I’m binge watching the worst television show in history. People come up to me and they… “see what he did today?” I’m like “please, I’m still on the episode where he fucked a porn star. I… That’s why I always try to impress so much on the younger people… how different this is… Where are my millennials, by the way? Wow, always in the back because they have no money. I’m fucking with you, I love you. Because these are the good millennials, because they… [crowd cheering] because they came to see me and they must know this is not a safe space. Not that every… everyone here is welcomed. Trump people are here, amongst us. And they are welcome. I mean that, I mean that. This is the country, not an apartment. We can’t divided it down the middle, we have to learn to live together. So you truly are welcome and it has been impressed upon me but it doesn’t help to call your political adversaries “dumb”… [Laughs] … so I am not gonna do that. But, “easily conned,” can we say that? “Not exactly detail people.” I mean, take… take something like the Affordable Care Act, okay. Polls tell us that Trump people hate Obamacare, but they like the Affordable Care Act. And what Trump tells them about healthcare: [imitating Trump] “I’ll give you way better, way cheaper, and cover everybody. You’re gonna want to get sick just to use this healthcare plan.” So… way better, way cheaper and cover everybody and you bought that? See what I mean about a con man and… I knew this was happening on the first day, when he… Do you remember when he saw the multitudes that did not exist? Remember at the inauguration… I mean… You know what? It was bad enough when Republicans didn’t believe in climate change but… counting? [Cheers and applause] Counting… counting is settled science. I am not gonna budge on that. But this is… this is what happens when you elect… right, a malignant narcissist as president that… he cannot imagine a reality that doesn’t match his perceptions. That was the most people he ever saw in one place… so… it must be the most people whoever gathered anywhere. That’s why he thinks he has a big dick… [Cheers and applause] It’s the biggest one HE has. Although, honestly, doesn’t everything about this man just scream micro dick? You know, the bragging and the buildings with my name on them. At the debates… yes he was talking about his dick at the debates. THAT guy is president. Remember that [imitating Trump] “there’s no problem, I guarantee there’s no problem”. I think there’s a problem. I… I think is a very big problem. I think that’s the whole problem. I think this is a man who has never once brought a woman to orgasm. If even believes such a thing exists I… [imitating Trump] “It’s rigged, it’s rigged… the vagina has been very unfair to me… very unfair, and I say that very strongly.” Very strongly. I’ll have a heart attack from this. And, you know, I… I talk to Trump people all the time. You know, they’re not blind to his myriad flaws. They… But you asked about… “what do you like about the guy?” They always say the same thing: “He’s strong. Alpha. Real man.” What? Who are you looking at? He’s always blaming everybody else, complaining, never takes responsibility,  [imitating Trump] “I inherited a mess.” You inherited millions of dollars, you Winy… Little… Bitch. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you, I’ll be doing all my greatest hits tonight I… I mean, even when he goes to a disaster zone. Remember that? It’s all about him! The floods… Remember the hurricanes… [imitating Trump] “we’re getting very high marks. Everyone floating by says we’re doing a fantastic job… very…” What… What… what… what president ever needed to have these, you know, emergency flattery meetings… Have you seen that shit where they call the cabinet together to go around the room “you shine with the light of 1000 Suns my sire.” And now the secretary of labor would like to say if you. It was it there’s a congresswoman from Tennessee who’d made a speech in front of Trump she said “Mr president thank you for letting us have you as our president.” Letting us have you? Jesus, don’t get any in your hair. Letting us have you? Writing is. We will. Thank. I guess we forgot that he president is supposed to lift us up right not the other way around but if we are in the other way around. Who has rallies after the election is over only this psychopath because you know he gets blue you see something on TV doesn’t like so the staff is like all get me 9000 drooling idiots in an airplane hangar in Tuscaloosa Alabama staff. So we can…” What it is rallies. You see they did one the other day you know it you know he lies a lot anyway but. These things first of all he takes great pride in the fact that he does not use a teleprompter. Doesn’t want to insult his base by reading. But the shit that comes out of his mouth at these rallies… I mean, fact checkers are carried out on stretchers ladies and gentlemen… it’s… I’m not going to make it to the end of the show talking about this asshole. The big people are always they are trying to calm me down my friends like all “come on bill you’re exaggerating we’ve had presidents who didn’t know much”. Yeah well we have a bad we do have a president who didn’t know Bush didn’t know much Reagan the last year thought the coat rack was Barbara Stanwyck. Kids, use your Google to find out who Barbara Stanwyck is. It’s… Look up coat rack while you’re in there because that’s probably not a thing anymore either but… Okay. So we’ve had dumbass presidents but we never had one like this who was so, you know, aggressively stupid. Right, you know, takes pride that you cannot get information into his head. We don’t know how. Actually he gets information although it’s entirely possible Sean Hannity blows it directly up his ass. But, really he takes pride in… how many times you tell them things he will insist like the stealth bomber is literally invisible. For. There’s such a thing as clean coal or you know global warming is a hoax… because it snows in the winter. It’s like saying the sun isn’t real because last night it got dark. Remember Jim Huff with the snowball? Yeah. Oh, well you got some real beauty here let me tell yeah I don’t know how you put up with that but there’s a real asshole politicians at this stage. Down the lineAnd you know the saddest thing about Trump he doesn’t want to change you said it many times I could be presidential yeah you could… not. In his first press conference and never forget it he said “I am me.” “I am me”. Thanks Tarzan. “I am me”… even Melania it was like “your English not too good daddy”. Oh Melania. I like Melania, com’on… she is the good kind of immigrant. The kind that does the jobs Americans just don’t wanna do. Like blowing and fucking Donald Trump. But… I do feel bad for having to live through this scandal with the porn star. I mean, you know this he said she said thing that’s going on. I mean but who you gonna believe the fake blonde with big tits or Stormy Daniels. Did you you see that the the evangelicals… any evangelicals here? You’re welcome too. I know you’re here so… you’re welcome too. But, you see, they gave Trump a Mulligan on stormy day of course because it’s a cult he could do any…he could fuck Charlie Daniels. They don’t care. But… But I thought was so interesting was that when Trump got in trouble the first time with women with the member the Hollywood access tape a month before the election. Okay, who came to his aid? Who bailed his ass out? It was the two Christians gyms to super Christians in his administration Mike Pence and Jeff Sessions you know those people though that people start every debate with “well I’m a Christian”. Like “why even have this argument? I win automatically. I believe in an intellectually embarrassing Bronze Age myth.” Boom! Mike dropped. Then. Yeah I mean, they asked Jeff Sessions two days after the tape came out Jeff Sessions Sir your senator the president is what I want to be president just said admitted to grabbing women’s vaginas without their permission. Is that non sexual assault. And Jeff Sessions said well I gag. Yeah. And I’m quoting directly ladies and gentlemen, that’s exactly what he said. No. I love this so the reporter persisted in as the second I did “Sir the man said he grabs pussies is that not sexual assault?” And Jeff Sessions said “it’s not clear how that would occur”. Yeah right it’s a totally a matter of circumstance. I mean like for example what if you saw a pussy… bout to fall off a cliff. Would. Wouldn’t you want to be able to grab that pussy without a lot of politically correct red tape getting in the way? I think you would. But man. There is no shame in their game these people you know. Whoever is going to win an election we gotta get buddy up to that idea no shame. I have a lot of perspective on Republicans. I never really was a Republican voter, you know. I can’t believe I, you know, I was so scared Mitt Romney was going to be president again. I’m 1000000 Bucks. I would gladly give Romney $1000000 tomorrow if he would take over America. I swear to God. I would sleep like a baby. I will become a Mormon how about that? And I will I will I would do that for my country. I would become a Mormon. I will wear the magic underwear. I will visit planet Kolob. I would baptize dead people. Man what a stupid religion that one is I mean they’re all stupid but I mean Jesus Christ… you know what pisses me off are these new religions into okay that you know the Christians in that Muslims in the Jews… they get grandfathered in. Right? I mean there are thousands of years old before the age of science people needed stories but Mormons are like 1820s. Fuck you! Whether you knew better and Scientologists and Seventh-day Adventists. This is this is awesome. I have to tell you I used to be a lonely pioneer out there on the atheist trails and now… It’s like anal, everyone’s doing it. It really religion numbers are down across the board and you wonder why I mean you saw they were trying to use the Bible to justify separating children from their parents at the border a couple of… [crowd booing] Yeah, okay, so I hope you will agree with me that a fault above all things in this world what needs scrutiny and criticism is religion. And that means all of them. All of them. Okay? This ridiculous fetishing of Islam on the part of so many liberals has got to stop. Okay? It’s a religion, like all religions antiquated and dangerous and that one ‘s more fundamentalist, which is not a compliment. Now is Trump’s Muslim ban a good idea? Of course not. even among his stupid ideas that’s one of the worst. It’s counterproductive, it’s unnecessary, it’s un-American it’s bigoted but what exactly is. The liberal answer to this issue. Really it’s just yelling Islamophobia when anybody criticizes the religion. I can’t criticize a religion. Have we met? And you know what I’ve been through this already with the Catholics 0 yeah they were the ones trying to get me thrown off TV 1012 years ago William William Donohue the head of the Catholic League with this letter writing campaigns in his email campaigns at one point they wanted to fight me. Fight me as Jesus would have wanted I’m sure. Two 50-year old men in a parking lot with our search sleeves rolled up. Fight me. I used to say Bill I’m not anti Catholic anti child fucking. And your organization has been caught doing a lot of that so it doesn’t make ME the bad guy. I’m not anti-Muslim I’m anti-misogyny. I thought… I thought feminism was the thing with liberal. Yes I’m against it when they throw a tarp over a woman like she’s a motorboat. Have you ever tried one of those on head to toe it is stifling and part of the reason why they do that head to toe is so the men don’t have to be responsible for their erections. Let me say that again: the men make the women walk around all day in a fucking voting booth… so they don’t get to be responsible for their erections. Your move MeToo. I’m not anti-any people. I anti terrorizing homosexuals… Again, I thought that I thought that was a liberal thing. I saw this college get on a campus with a tee shirt that said “queers against islamophobia”. I wanted to say to him wear that shirt in Pakistan and see… see if anybody reads down past the queers part because. And by the way, do you know what, no protected species in America we get free speech here all jokes are unfair to a degree. Things stick they’re not always totally true but we all suck it up and laugh. You know what? It’s everybody. If. If something happens in Germany every comedian makes a Nazi joke well Germany doesn’t really have a lot of Nazis anymore. Here, yes. Well we got the Nazis there but. But that’s just how it is if you’re French you always surrender. You know if you’re a supermodel you always throw up your lunch. If you are a redneck you always fuck your sister… These are… Too close. Sorry… Sorry… But, you know… But, you know, the nothing-is-funny people cannot win. Things are bad enough. We have to laugh. And the snowflakes keep wanting to move the goalposts on what can be funny. Now they’re on this thing where if something in a joke even remind you of something that sad… no good. Well fuck that. My answer to that is… Mel Brooks put Hitler in a musical. [Singing ] ♪ Springtime for Hitler… ♪ And well. You know if I tried real hard I think I could connect that to something sad. But I don’t. because we choose to laugh. We choose to laugh not because it’s easy but because it’s hard. That’s my JFK. I mean… you know… when I was younger we never had terms like microaggressions. Microaggressions and safe spaces and trigger warnings. Jesus Chr… I’m not a marine or anything but what did everybody get so friggin’ fragile about. “Free speech zones”… you mean America? [Cheers and applause] I mean… and liberals can be the worst on this. We should own the first amendment, the way the conservatives own the second. [Cheers and applause] But we don’t. We gave it up. I had the honor of my life—well I thought it was—4 years ago, when Berkeley, on the fiftieth anniversary of the free speech movement there on the Berkeley campus, invited me to be this keynote speaker at the graduation. [Cheers] Wait, wait, wait. And then I was uninvited. Because they got wind I might speak freely. They don’t teach irony on campus anymore, is my guess. But campuses are a little out of control, would you not agree? I mean… [Applause] Yeah. I mean, Three colleges last year had to cancel productions of The Vagina Monologues because they weren’t sensitive enough to women who don’t have a vagina. Well… they exist like… Caitlyn Jenner, I believe, who is a woman who still has a dick… no… I… Whatever it is, I support her, okay? If she… she cut it off I’d say “good choice! good riddance to that fucking thing! I… It’s a menace! Nothing but trouble from the penis! I.. I see it like the tonsils, or the appendix, or something!” But… but, you know, I harp on this stuff because Democrats—I think we can all agree—cannot afford to blow anymore elections. [Cheers and applause] I mean, [Cheers and applause] and…  this kind of shit is one reason why just the name Democrat is so toxic in states like this in about 25 others were anybody other than a Democrat could win we got to change that and the way you do it. [Cheers and applause] Drop the PC bullshit. Also. Get a message. [Applause] Get a candidate but people like I like Hillary but she couldn’t fill the function room at the Olive Garden. Meanwhile there was a 74 year old man getting 20000 people to come out and see him. [Cheers and applause] You know… Yes, Bernie. Bernie Sanders and you have to understand in this age where you know everything is fake news and people don’t read the news anyway don’t know what’s going on the coin of the realm of what people latch on to it authenticity and not many have real authenticity Bernie Sanders said. [Cheers and applause]He. He always looked like. A guy who worked in a little office with the roof leaked. [Laughs] “I finished my soup three times.” [Laughs] And you know if he became president nothing would have changed. Walking into the oval office he be looking for something on his desk and be a bass you know like “I’ve got a system it’s in here somewhere.” The  half of an egg salad sandwich down there. A cat. The Queen would come for a state visit would have to move boxes off the couch, “darling, seat! Darling… It’s our busy season. Would you like half of an eggs salad sandwich? Yeah, that’s what people want. And, honestly, the other guy, who had authenticity, yeah, I’ll give him that. Donald Trump, he is authentically, a douche bag from Queens. He doesn’t hide it. He doesn’t want to hide it. It works for him. People love him because they say he’s like one of us he’s a real American he’s fat eat shit. He plays with his phone all day. And all night. What it what is with the 3:00 AM bitch tweeting by the way. Right what is what is going on at 3:00 AM? Is ts not a poop tweet? Is that when the Metamucil kicks in? Is that how we gets to sleep? That… that would be really sick, because you’re supposed to do something calming before you go to bed, and his his tweets at 3:00am “you’re a loser, you’re a disaster, I hate you” [snoring sound]. No, you are suppose to do something calming and meditative. I jerk off. You know, I decided to switch the mike hand. [Laughs] Just to simulate… apparently is… that’s how serious I am about masturbation, I… I must tell you folks you’re beautiful crowd. Uh… So I gonna share this with you… but… I gotta tell you. As a comedian, I’ve been talking about masturbation onstage for a long time. The last year, for the first time in my life, when I talked about the subject, I have to spelled it out: “I was alone”. I always assumed everybody knew masturbation meant you were alone. No. What the fuck happened? And I used to say I don’t understand women. I don’t understand men! Masturbating in front of som… I can’t pee in front of somebody! I don’t. And… where did this trend start? What movie is this? Oh well the day didn’t go quite the way I wanted to. But she’s in the room… and I’m gonna take my dick out so… I kinda got laid. I mean, it’s like a give me in golf and just… what… I… I don’t even understand it, but… I hope, I hope women… I hope women know that there are a lot of men who are actually very happy for you, that this reckoning finally came about and… [cheers and applause] … that your lives will always be better for it. It’s true. I always… I always hated bullies… bullies of any kind, you know, sexual harassment is just a particularly odious kind of bullying. And it’s great that all men—not just the rich and famous anymore—every man is on notice. You’re playing with five fouls. [applause] Okay. But I must tell you… I took a little informal poll recently… and the penis… still popular. [cheers] Now the penis has done some very bad, very bad very bad things the penis, terrible things. But, ladies, you still want some dick every once in a while don’t you… okay so… So we want to be part of the solution and we need to be part of the solution. So that’s why I say about the penis… mend it, don’t end it. You know…. and the cut everybody a little slack because with the romance game is a little touchy it’s not exactly always you know easy to define you know… passion and political correctness… not natural allies. No one in bed wants to hear “who’s your co-equal partner?” Nobody. Right? Okay, so… So, you know, liberals have the high ground on this issue. Let’s not veer off, as liberals so often do, into that weird place where we look ridiculous, okay? [cheers] You know… I mean it’s already happened. Matt Damon famously said “I think we can all agree that there’s a difference between a pat on the ass and rape.” And there was a big liberal backlash, “no we don’t agree to that.” Okay, this is one reason why we lose elections. [applause] This is one reason. Let me tell you something. In 2016 the Democrats and the Republicans played a little game of chicken with each other. And the Democrats said the Republicans, oh “you cannot be so stupid as to vote for Donald Trump”. And they said: “don’t ever tell us how stupid we can be.” But… but, they had a pretty good answer which is “yeah, we get it, Donald Trump is crazy but if you think what Matt Damon said is the least bit controversial, or if you think The Vagina Monologues is insufficiently feminist, or you think Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism, or you lose your shit when a white girl dresses up as Pocahontas on Halloween… then you are crazy too and we can’t trust your judgment. And that shit has to stop. We can’t afford that shit anymore. Because I’ll tell you something… Donald Trump is right about one thing: the elections in this country are rigged… except the’re rigged against us. Gerrymandering, voter suppression, the electoral college, Putin counting the votes. I mean… this thing in presidential elections where we win the most votes and they get to be president… that’s gotta stop, I mean… [Cheers and applause] Al Gore won by 500.000 votes, and didn’t become president. Hillary won by 3,000.000. Even Kim Jong-un is like “that’s fucked up”. That’s exactly what he sounds like, by the way. That is that dead on Kim Jong-un. But, you know, I still have these Republicans coming on much “we don’t know if it affected the elect…” “Don’t know if it affected the election?” Does Chris Christie eat over the sink? During the campaign… [laughs] during the campaign Donald Trump’s old—you know, Donald Trump has two grown sons, Douchebag von Fuckface Trump… and… Thurston Shitbag the third. I said I was gonna do all my greatest hits… okay… so… [applause] But yeah, during the campaign Donnie Dickface gets [laughs] this email that says “We have dirt on Hillary. Signed, Russia.” And he emails back “I love it”. It’s game over there, isn’t it? I mean… isn’t it? Right, I mean… if you send me an email that says “I have some fantastic kiddie porn”… and I email back “I love it”… I think that’s when they knock on your door. I do… I think that’s when it’s over. [cheers and applause] But, these people… they’re … they’re shameless [?] the way they will tell a lie and before the next news cycle have a completely new lie and don’t apologize for the last one. They would be like “oh no, there was no meeting, no meet… okay… there was a meeting… yes, there was a meeting, but… but no Russians… no… oh yes, one Russian… there was one Russian… I’m sorry, I misspoke… three Russians, there was three… right, five Russians were at the meeting and that is… eight Russ…” There was eight Russians, there was eight Russians at the meeting! And the Bolshoi Ballet. And doctor Zhivago and the crew of the Red October. [Laughs] You have to hold the meeting in the steam room to have more Russians involved. “Okay, we had a meeting but it was just about adoptions”. [Laughs] “Yes, we’re all big fans of Annie, it was just about… adopt… we did not talk about the election. All right, we talked about the election but… no collusion no coll… okay, collusion, there was collusion but no… criminal collusion. Okay, criminal collusion, but is it really such a crime to commit a crime?” That’s where they are… That’s where the whole Republican Party is. Is it really such a crime to commit a crime? They’re on the side of crime! [Applause] This is… And that’s the whole party. The whole party. It’s not just the clown, it’s the circus. Don’t forget that. I mean, Donald Trump could not be where he is without all these enablers. You know, I… I get… I’ve given up asking the question: what has to happen before they give up? You can’t ask that. Nothing. Donald Trump could tweet tonight “Obama is hiding under my bed”. And on Monday Sarah Huckabee Sanders would say, “Well, many presidents have had their predecessors had under their bed. Martin Van Buren was under William Henry Harrison is bad for 2 years from 1837 to 1839 and Grover Cleveland was under the bed of…” [Cheers and applause] But I think… of all the enablers that get under my skin, the one I hate the most… Mike Pence… [Cheers and applause] … because, you know, super Christian… he launders all of Donald Trump’s slime because he looks so “Christian”… and… and he is beyond Christian: “if life begins at erection…” [Cheers and applause] You know, he… he lives by something they called the Billy Graham rule, which is that “he will never go to any function, party where there’s alcohol being served, if his wife is not with him.” Why, because the other chicks would bomb rush Mike Pence? Yes, they would be like Tupac in ’95… They’d be blowing him on the dance floor… I mean a… So. Listen. I just want to say that that you know. This is important I I’m never going to be the comedian of stop the show and goes this is serious but this is serious. So please a small lighting change. Perfect anyway. Yeah I just want to say when I took the SAT center up they still have this question gets but there was a section called “choose the best answer” and there was never an answer that fit perfectly because they were trying to teach you something sometimes in life there isn’t a perfect answer you change the best answer so when people say “Mike Pence would be worse”, I implore you to reconsider that. Mike Pence is the kind of loathsome Christian hypocrite that, if I didn’t hate religion already, I would start. [Cheers and applause] But… Mike Pence is not trying to become a dictator. Mike Pence does not talk about locking up journalists and political opponents. He can name all three branches of governments. He’s within the normal parameters of Republican awful. He is not the head of a crime family. He doesn’t see things that don’t exist—if you don’t count Jesus. He doesn’t want to destroy government from within. I mean Donald Trump… I mean for what was essentially had a big pollution protection agency. And… besides being the greatest scam artist I’ve ever seen I mean I really think Scott Pruitt might be three raccoons under a trench coat. He might not even be human. But besides that. He was a coal lobbyist as head of the EPA the Attorney General is a Confederate soldier. The secretary of education is mentally challenged. Rick Perry. Texas people, you’re very proud, I could see. Very ran for president in 2012 on a platform of he wanted to eliminate 3 government departments of which he could name two. I don’t think he gets the credit he deserves for being able to name almost 67 percent of the departments he himself wanted eliminate. But the one he could not remember. Was the department of energy which he is now the head out okay. That is some performance art ladies and gentlemen that is a skip past rolling that is performance art and do you know this? When he took the job he did not know what the department of energy did. It’s in charge of the nuclear weapons. He didn’t know that that’s why Obama’s secretary of energy was a Nobel Prize winning physicist. Rick Perry—this is not a joke—Rick Perry has a BA in animal husbandry. Really. He doesn’t know what a centrifuges is. But he can jerk off a horse. Really? That guy is… So what can I say? Democrats, we’ve just got to win. We cannot blow any more elections, so next time, next time, a little more about “We’re going to bring your jobs back” and a little less about “We’re going to make you pee next to a guy in a dress.” Not that I care I’m not taking a survey when I’m in there and I’m totally on the page with the transgenders I’m down with you guys I get it sometimes the equipment. Doesn’t. Match the gender you know what’s a little counter intuitive but sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t. I get it. But I also know like women regular normal women who say when I go to a bathroom it’s kind of an intimate place I want to know if there’s a penis on deck. Talk about women with vaginas old school all. Women classic I call the. By the way if any of you ladies still have your original vaginas hang on to those things. They are going to be valuable some day. Hang on to anything long enough and it will come back in style. But. I mean the truck when that election on jobs job of course he was lying could his mouth was moving and that was it meat in it. But that was the whole “the Mexican are stealing your jobs” Mexicans are not stealing your jobs robots are stealing your jobs. And if they ever come up with a Mexican robot we are really fucked. With. But whoever told these real Americans that the government was a an employment agency anyway this there’s no more gigs for life okay those days are over only gigs for life: Pope. 60 minutes correspondent. And flight attendant on any major allied every knows those girls are old and I mean… They call me Sonny that it’s. That some seniority system going on at United Airlines up always like grandma “can I get a hot towel when you wake up for beer now sweetheart? Thank you so much”. But. In my view America doesn’t even have for the the issue we spend so much time and we don’t even have an immigration problem. We have a my-life-didn’t-turn-out-the-way-I-wanted-to-so-I-blame-other-people problem. Oh, that we have. You know. The greatest con the Republicans ever pulled on working-class Americans was convincing them it was the immigrants and single moms who were blocking their way to the American Dream. you know the 10 member the takers photodetectors the people who don’t pay any income tax yeah that’s who has all the money the people with no money. The people use their food stamps to buy drugs I hear that why I love that idea that always makes me laugh because I know that one from both sides. I do I have been poor and I’ve been a drug dealer. We don’t take food. I we don’t mean anything by it that’s just our policy and I don’t think it’s changed. No. It’s funny, America as you well know has 0 tolerance for drugs and infinity tolerance for guns and I wait I Norman Oklahoma so I’m going to cover myself right away and say I am a gun owner. I’m just not a gun lover okay. I don’t take pictures with it I don’t Polish it I don’t answer the door with it. I don’t take it on dates to chipotles. The moon honey I’m going to show you off to the fellows at home depot. Because that’s the one of the big problems is psychological with guns we just love them too much you know every year somebody I don’t know who but they keep a registry of the names that parents are giving their newborns and in the last 5 years parents have been naming kids gun names. They’ve been naming kids things like pistol shooter magnum Remington. This is sick liberals don’t do this liberals don’t name their kids Prius and juicer. You know my boy Kale don’t choose a. He’s a strapping young lad. But. But honestly you know we don’t ever have a lot of movement on the gun issue because we don’t have an ant-gun party we have the Republicans love guns and the Democrats love them slightly less every debate begins with well at least we can all agree we need some guns to go out in the woods and murder animals. Because we’re sportsmen. Are you really is it really a sport if one team doesn’t know the game is going on. The sport. So that asshole with the giraffe couple days ago. 21 I can strangle her I mean and you know what these African country some of them they will sell permits to go and shoot these majestic endangered beasts you know what the excuses they say yes we allow you to shoot these animals but only the older non breeding males. I take this very personally latest job I. I don’t think this is a slippery slope that we want to go down. I think those are the most contributing people that decide if that happened out. Beyond that I have to say it out turning 60 is… was hard enough. First of all you don’t like when I’m driving to work and I’m looking for it now. I never see people my age out I’m like is that no no is it what about. Were they all raptured? with the f… This is a bad old were allowed to be out at 60 aren’t we? The only place I see people my age are in Cialis commercials. Which I think are very obnoxious because it’s all this pressure you know this I “will you be ready?” “Will you be ready?” you know no one the guys have heart attacks when they’re 49 at. I don’t worry if the raptors coming I gotta worry about. “What if the rapture comes when I’m fucking you?” They’ll never take me home balls David you. You know what. This will you be ready that smarmy voiceover one look. Can turn the ordinary into something more. Really after all these years of marriage one look. Yes so be ready.Have would be okay take the 4 hour pill take the 36 hour pill then that viagra for everyday use just keep it hard she’ll let you know. She’ll give you the look.Really big and you can see this in the commercial because that. Stories that never just get right to boating there’s always these activities they doing this the strolling consigning and shopping in canoodling gets it. Is it this much work to fuck your own white for this country? So sorry I never got on board with that I mean. I swear to god there’s one word that the couple is putting the finishing touches on a bird house together they’re like. You know the. Oh it’s on Alex. I.Soon as we finish this bird outside. I think I just got the. That’s not the look at wasn’t. I’m gonna fuck the hole in this bird house in America. Look. I am not against marriage. I am not never have been. I’m against marriage for me but this is a very personal issue I get it some people that would be lost without their spouse I know guys who hate it when their wife is out of town. One guy, okay. what. You had to bust me on that so quickly one guy but he’s sincere about it. Is that. This is name is this Amame kids. I think this is a meme I hear it all the time happy wife happy life which you know it it sounds so sweet but it’s really a friend. Just the. That’s the that’s a nice life you got there shame if anything were to happen to it. So well I think you do want to go to the store and pick up those items don’t you I thought you did. The other marriage cliche I love to hear it all the time celebrities led to say it they asked the couple you know what’s the secret to your marriage and the guy always says all she keeps me grounded. Yeah I was doing all this storing. Luckily I got this bitch to remind me that. I’m not all that so that’s great. I don’t know if you saw. Couple years ago our friends adviser came out with a lady viagra as it was dubbed in the media which he said would even things out which is silly on a number of levels first of all even things out women as we all know have gotten a raw deal throughout history in almost every civilization including up until today. The one area were they got lucky and don’t even hang out with sex I mean just multiple orgasms you win.You know. You have a machine gun we have a musket. And… And don’t even ask about trying to re load that thing they is that. With that powder. Half the time it blows up in your face it’s. But… Yeah. But not just multiple organ of the model zones you know women have a vagina and a clit and the G. spot a Jesus body only founded in 1985. That’s so complicated women are there still discovering should there in the eighties. They came to me in 1985 and said a bill we’ve detected a third ball that I think. And I’m sure when I was taking off that list of erogenous zones I’m sure at least some of you out there were saying all come on bill what about the asshole. We talked about in the whole first half of the show less. It’s about you Donald Trump. This is about me. I must say I actually like this age first of all I thought when you got to the stage was all about a bucket list I have no bucket list not that I’m not that I’ve done everything I’ve hardly done anything I’ve done a lot of this because I like this but you know anything I haven’t done I could give a flock. Really. I never went skiing good. It’s cold and I didn’t die on a tree fantastic. I never took a dangerous vacation in some dusty place where people could take a check on a bus good. I’ve never seen Breaking Bad. Otherwise a good person. Also I must say I have never – to the best of my knowledge – I have never fuck a Republican to the best of my knowledge. I don’t mind fuck your brains out I’m not going to fuck him in. And of course the big one I never had children which you know that’s just to get a personal choice I. It’s a personal whatever there’s no moral dimension to what I get it people still like children are very popular. That’s fine just don’t deputise me in your battle with parenting you know I mean I. If I do a drug joke I don’t want to get messages from people you’re giving a bad message to children. Okay, first of all, fuck children. You know what. We used to organize our lives around with children might get into. I fully endorse you keeping me away from your children. You’re supposed to be smarter than them keep your guns in your drugs in your sex toys and build more away from your children. I mean. I have set up my life in such a way that I never have to talk to or in any way interact with the child. But but what I occasionally see of it looks like a nightmare first of all.Parents get this idea that they have to negotiate with their kids about everything I always see this: “Hey buddy. Are you ready to go?” “Are you ready to go?” How about get in the fucking car? And also you know kids every parent I know always sick sniffling colds flu because the kids. Disease. They bring drugs. The rapists. And some I assume a good. But man. I was a free range child I mean we grew up on tap water Bologna and red dye number 2 there was. Seat belts were completely optional. Helmets. Say the kids who wore helmets went to a different school okay. And you know what I am so glad I am so glad for my leave it to beaver upbringing. I am so glad that when I was a kid there was no porn on the phone. No wonder the kids are fucked up. I mean all my formative years all the masturbation took place without any visual aids whatsoever. I had I Dream of Jeannie. Once a week. And a little ad in my sister’s teen beat magazine to increase your best bust size that’s all I had all my early while I did it again. Overruled. All my early whacking was in the dark under the covers in my mind scenarios images memories that’s what made me the man I am today. I’ve read all these revelations to come out from the #metoo stuff and it’s like. And I was to grow up in the land that time forgot. Even in my fantasies I swear to god there’s no weirdness even in my fantasy I don’t wanna fuck anybody in the ass. Who. That’s where the shit comes out what what do you people not. But on a plane you’re asking them to play with your feet but I want to come on your face I don’t wanna choke you. She can’t breathe who’s sexy. I want to role play and want to dress up with some money. Does anybody just flock anymore. I had the same basic fantasy since I was 11 years old a super hot chick loves me. And he loves me and my Dick is like crack to her. The end.That’s it. You know. You know that when I lost my virginity, at the age of 16, in 1972, Yet invented the shape and voices. And I was telling this recently to this millennial kid and it blew his mind I should. I should have given a trigger warning. But really it blew this kid’s mind. He was like “that’s amazing because losing your virginity is confusing enough as it is I was like. Tell me about it I remember looking down it was like. It looked like a Beatle wig I mean. I remember thinking “I know it’s around here somewhere…” And that’s what I say about America. And our greatness. I know it’s around here somewhere. And we are gonna find it again. Thank you very much your amazing crowd. And we are going to find it again. We gonna vote, we gonna focus and we gonna stick together. Thank you very much. Thank you Tulsa.

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Demetri Martin: The Overthinker (2018) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/demetri-martin-overthinker-transcript/

[cheering, applause] [Demetri] Man, that was a good improv. I’m so glad I asked for notes. I think my favorite animal to look at is probably the squirrel. [man] Yeah! You know what I mean? ‘Cause any squirrel, if you watch ’em long enough, there’s a moment where they suddenly realize they’re late for something. [laughter] “Shit! I gotta go. Excuse me. What?” [laughter] That’s a whole species that’s behind schedule. They’re terrible at keeping their calendar. Probably the most flammable of the small animals would be the squirrel as well. [laughter] The tail. I mean, it’s a… [Demetri] All right, that worked pretty well. It’s a good room. Got my water. Mic stand feels good. Solid. Looks like I’ve got enough fake fog. That’s important. Maybe show my name. Okay. Anything else? Title? Yeah. All right. This should be fun. What was I gonna say? Oh, yeah. I’ve noticed that you can carry around a plastic bag with shit in it. Um… if you’re near a dog, you can have a bag of shit. As long as you’re with a dog, it’s like, “He’s got a bag of shit.” That’s fine. [laughter] If you don’t have a dog, then we have a problem. You can’t just… ♪ Tu-tu-ru-tu-ru-tu-ru ♪ Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. You gotta be holding that for a friend. You can’t just have shit. [laughter] How weird is that from the dog’s perspective? I mean… Pick it up and collect it. You know what I mean? They must be kind of just like, “No! [laughter] Leave that. You don’t want that. Just… What is he doing? This fucking psycho is collecting my shit.” We probably seem the craziest of all the animals. From their perspective, when they look at our behavior. You know what I mean? ‘Cause– If we show up places we don’t belong… I don’t feel like any other animal really does that, but we do that, you know? Like scuba diving. [laughter] I’m sure fish swim by and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing here? [laughter] Look at yourself.” And we’re like… -[mimics breathing under water] -[laughter] “Those are not your feet. Get the hell out of here. Come on. You’ve got all the land. Really? I mean…” Skydiving. I’m sure birds are like, “That one’s gonna die. Did you see that?” [laughter] “Wow. That was dumb.” I mean, bird watching, that’s gotta be creepy for birds. I mean… [laughter] What are we doing? These birds are hanging out. We ignore them most of the time. Suddenly some fat couple from Ohio is just obsessed with a bird. [laughter] The bird’s like… “What? Me? Are you happy? Piss off. What do you want? Should I shit on him?” “Yeah. If you have some, get over there.” [laughter, clapping] I wouldn’t be surprised if the birdbath was invented by some sort of bird pervert. I mean… [laughter] Some guy’s in his kitchen looking out there, “Oh, yeah, splash around in there, birds. [laughter] That’s it. Some naked birds bathing together for my entertainment. That’s it. Oh, yeah. Wash up, bird.” It’s just disgusting, man. It’s like an open-top Turkish bath. I mean, there’s no privacy for the birds. Some people own birds. That’s… That’s a power move, I’ll tell you that. You know what I mean, like, “Hey, there’s something that can fly. I’m gonna change that. [laughter] I think I’ll put that in my kitchen, yeah.” Just like low-grade villain behavior. “My own personal prisoner in my kitchen in a cage. There we go.” I think my favorite holiday is Halloween. It’s my favorite, yeah. [cheering] That’s a good holiday because you don’t have to celebrate that with your family. [laughter] You never hear, “What are you doing for Halloween?” “I gotta fly back East and go trick-or-treating with my parents.” [laughter] “That sucks.” “They got a divorce. I gotta bring two different costumes this year.” [laughter] I like reading. I’m a big reader. I, uh… I feel like I just end up reading everything. I don’t know. Like the other day, I was in my kitchen, I opened a drawer and I pulled out the Reynolds Wrap, and ended up reading the box of Reynolds Wrap. It said, “Reynolds Wrap, trusted since 1947.” I thought, “Oh, that’s interesting. Trusted. What an interesting word to use that is.” [laughter] It implies some sort of dark past for Reynolds. [laughter] “Trusted since ’47. Founded in ’37.” [laughter] First ten years, some shady shit going on with Reynolds. You couldn’t trust them, I guess. “Did you get tinfoil?” “Yeah.” “Open the box.” “Shit. There’s just pebbles in here. This is…” “Foiled!” [laughter, applause] A-ha! [chuckles] I read everything. I was reading a beach ball last summer at a pool party. I guess I was having a great time at the party and… I’m sitting there, reading a beach ball. It says on the ball, “Warning: This is not a life-saving device.” I’m like, “Okay, there’s definitely a story here.” [laughter] Some guy’s drowning, “Get the beach ball!” Just pelt the guy with the beach ball. “I appreciate the effort, I’m having fun, but I’m dying here, you see? I need the donut of this. This is the donut hole of what I need. I need the donut, so I can live, okay? Thank you.” Donut hole is the most disgusting-sounding thing that tastes the best to me. I put a ladyfinger in a donut hole and it’s totally fine. [laughter] Donut hole is interesting ’cause it’s the thing we call as a donut hole that we took out of the donut. And then the hole itself that was left, the absence of a donut hole is the donut hole. So it’s kind of a paradox. It’s like it is and not is at the same time. That’s impossible, the donut hole. It’s kind of… [laughter] Video Playerhttp://scrapsfromtheloft.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Demetri-Martin.-The-Overthinker-2018-Donut-Hole.mp4Media error: Format(s) not supported or source(s) not foundDownload File: http://scrapsfromtheloft.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Demetri-Martin.-The-Overthinker-2018-Donut-Hole.mp4?_=100:0000:0000:00Use Up/Down Arrow keys to increase or decrease volume.   I like cupcakes. That’s a great dessert. Kind of awkward to eat a cupcake, though. Know what I mean? One of the only desserts you have to peel the underwear off if you want to eat it. You have to… undress the cupcake, and it’s kind of a swamp-ass under there. “Am I gonna eat this sweaty-ass dessert here? Is this for me? Yes, I am. I’m gonna eat this swamp-ass pastry.” I’m gonna have a cupcake after the show. Definitely. I have a book idea. I wanna write an autobiography that turns into a biography. I’ve never seen a book like that before, so… Yeah, so the first three or four chapters would be about, like, my childhood. And then, like, in chapter four, I would just casually mention Benjamin Franklin. I’d say something like, “Speaking of Franklin…” Then the whole rest of the book is about Benjamin Franklin’s life. [laughter] You get to the end and you’re like, “That freaking nerd tricked me into learning about Benjamin Franklin. [laughter] [softly] Damn it.” When people don’t sleep well, they say they tossed and turned. And, um, I’ve definitely had rough nights where I… I turn a lot in my sleep, know what I mean? But I’ve never slept so poorly that I ended up like, lightly throwing things around the room. [laughter] It’s 4:00 in the morning, and I’m like, “Oh, shit. I’m tossing. Stop it. The hell am I doing? Go to sleep, man. Stop it. You’re tossing. Stop it.” [laughter] You wake up the next day and there’s crap everywhere. I’m like, “Oh, my God. I slept very poorly. And why do I own so many beanbags? This is making it worse.” I was driving when I saw a guy, he was driving a convertible and he was wearing a hoodie. It’s like, wow, this guy loves convertibles. He’s got two of them on. [laughter] He’s got a little personal convertible inside the big one. I think it’d be cool when you have a baby to put the baby’s bottle in a paper bag, like a discreet little… paper bag, you know. Babies just drinking all the time anyway. Plus when they try to walk, they look kind of like… [laughter] [mimics baby retching] The baby has a dirty suit on, which I didn’t mention, so it’s kind of like a little wino with a little bit of scruff. I was thinking recently that “rapper” is kind of a weird job title for someone, to call them a rapper. You know what I mean? Using that word. ‘Cause it sounds like a word we already have like a, you know, candy wrapper or something. I know it’s spelled differently but, you know, sounds the same. Then I realized, well, the alternative is “rappist.” -So… -[laughter] Yeah, I think “rapper” was the right choice. The other day I was thinking, it’s where I was thinking, I tend to overthink things. And then I thought, “Do I, though? I mean…” [laughter] Maybe I do. I don’t know. It’s hard to say how much thinking counts as overthinking. What’s the threshold? You never really get a sense of how much any one person thinks. But… Yeah, I guess right now I’m technically overthinking. Seems appropriate because… You know, this is the middle of a joke about overthinking. So… But I think back to my own childhood and I can think of times when I was trying to almost, like, figure things out. You know what I mean? Trying to, like, strategize. I don’t have a lot of memories like that but I can remember certain times as a kid. Like, I was at a birthday party and it came the time for the kid to blow out his candles. I would sneak in my own wish. Right at that moment when he blew out the candles. I… you know, I was thinking, I don’t know if there’s a wishing radius or portal or something, you know… Some sort of, like, a magical moment. Anybody can make a wish, actually. Once those candles are blown out, like, that’s your chance. It’s people are just not taking advantage of it. “Oh, yeah, maybe me, too.” Some kid would blow out his candles, I’d be like, “Me too.” I don’t know what I was thinking like there’s some sort of Wish Fulfilment Bureau. They’re like, “We got another birthday wish here.” “Oh, yeah? Actually two came in.” “Oh, twins?” “No. Just some other kid decided to piggyback, it was open.” [laughter] “Well, how close to the cake is he standing?” “Five feet.” “That’s good. He’s in the circle.” [chuckles] “Give him his wish. He beat the system.” And I’m like, “Yes!” All right. What’s next? Maybe I’ll do the drawings now. Yeah. Okay. Video Playerhttp://scrapsfromtheloft.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Demetri-Martin.-The-Overthinker-2018-Drawings.mp4Media error: Format(s) not supported or source(s) not foundDownload File: http://scrapsfromtheloft.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Demetri-Martin.-The-Overthinker-2018-Drawings.mp4?_=200:0000:0000:00Use Up/Down Arrow keys to increase or decrease volume.   These are some drawings. [cheering, applause] I wanna start with the design I’m working on. T-shirts are pretty popular for a long time, um… This is a P-shirt, so it’s based on a letter P, rather than the T. Sleeveless on this side and this… sleeve is attached. So, if you’re impatient, it’s a good shirt, like, “Can we go? Come on.” [laughter] The P-shirt. [laughter] You know, sometimes I get a feeling about a letter. And they just don’t hit me right. I don’t know what it is. Like M always felt a little weird to me, and I just recently figured out what it is. I think M is very aggressive. [laughter] [mumbling] Spread-eagle, you know? The W is even worse. [laughter] Very bony-ass face-plant. Probably the worst would be the A. [laughter] It’s the A-hole as you can see in here. [laughter] Very flirtatious, this guy. [chuckles] The dollar sign doesn’t look like the symbol for money to me. This doesn’t look like money. This looks like the perfect symbol for shish kebab. [laughter] I love Christmas cookies. [woman] Yeah! Yeah, I love the sugar cookies with the different color icing and everything. It’s exciting every time Christmas comes around, you get to have these cookies and they’re in all the stores. It is frustrating though. Because then, Christmas season ends and, you know, they vanish, you can’t have them anymore. But, I think we could have these cookies year-round if we just, kind of reframe the cookies a little bit, you know. Even in the summer time, you’ll be like, “Hey, I got some pine tree cookies here. If anybody wants a, you know, forest-based cookie, it’s just a pine tree or a non-denominational star if anyone’s interested in a star cookie. [laughter] Could I have another girl with a fucked-up back cookie? Those are… [laughter] The saggy hunchbacks are delicious. Do you have any more of those fat, hipster burglar cookies? [laughter] If you’re trying to learn how to read music, you might know this. There are mnemonic devices to learn where the notes are, kind of on the clef here, so, uh… You know, “Every Good Boy Does Fine” is something they tell you. I think we can do better. I think there are other ways to remember this. More memorable ways. Maybe, “Elephants Go Bald Daily. Fuck.” [laughter] “Eating Gas? Bad Diarrhea Farts.” [laughter] “Entire Generation Blows. Damn it, Facebook.” [cheering, applause] Or tell them just to spell the word “egg” but don’t finish. “E, G, But Don’t Finish.” [laughter] Smart. This is a magician’s “to do” list. Uh… it’s pretty simple. To Do. Ta Da. Okay, done. It’s cool when you see a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat. That’s cool. What would even be cooler would be to see him pull a hat out of a rabbit. [laughter] And then a rabbit out of that hat. There we go. [laughter, applause] Ass rabbit. [chuckles] It’s a classic a balloon. “It’s a boy.” If somebody has a boy. That’s a… That’s a classic. We live in different times now. We’re in much more gender fluid times. You don’t wanna assume anything. I think what might be safer now would be, “It’s alive!” [laughter, applause] We’ll see how the child does. You know what I mean? Instead of “Get well soon.” Maybe “Stay alive!” I think that’s… [laughter] That’s a good balloon there. I tell you what doesn’t work is, “Stay a boy!” [laughter] You can’t do that. This is my favorite abbreviation of all abbreviations that people have come up with. “TBD,” because this meant what it means before… it meant what it means. It was always TBD before– You know what I mean? So… [laughter] Now here’s a graph. This is how that joke just did. You see? That’s… [laughter, applause] This is what I expected. This is the… So we have a problem. There’s a differential here. This is where I live. It’s like right in here. It’s pretty much my life. Okay. Okay. Now, laughing and peeing have a pretty interesting relationship, I think, this is a… [laughter] Kind of group dynamics, really. You know what I mean? If you laugh in a group, that’s okay. Yeah, that’s great. If you laugh alone, crazy. I think that’s pretty crazy. If I see somebody just laughing, you know, on his own, on the street, “This guy’s gonna kill me.” You can’t just– You’re not allowed to just laugh. Peeing is kind of the opposite. So if you… pee alone, that’s okay. I think that’s really how it’s intended. That’s a private thing, really, It’s your own peeing time, um… Peeing in a group, that’s crazy. I think, if you need, you know, a bunch of people, “We’re all here? I can pee now. Thank you. Let’s just do this.” If you laugh so hard that it makes you pee in a group… that’s great. That’s okay. You’re having a great time. [laughter] If you laugh so hard that it makes pee alone, definitely a lunatic. I can’t think of anybody– Anything that funny that you can’t control yourself when you’re alone, and actually pee on yourself, this is… If you pee and then laugh, [laughter] alone, crazy, I think. [laughs] “Asparagus!” [laughter] It’s not funny like that, really, I think. Pee and then laugh in a group, that’s the craziest. That’s– That’s a cult. We’re just peeing on a corpse. [laughs] “We did it!” Complicated. Okay. This is a good sign, I think, for a strip club during the daytime. [laughter, applause] “Sorry we’re clothed.” I wonder what the drawings look like from the balcony. Oh, okay. Here we have an “Out of Order” sign that’s out of order, so… [laughter] That doesn’t work, you see. Which makes it work. This is just me saying this. [cheering, applause] Here we have a graph. Parties. This is… how fun the party is based on the type of party. Toga party, very fun. Birthday party, also fun. A house party, fun. Big drop-off for search party. So… [laughter] Much less fun, traditionally, a search party. “So we’re looking for a body. Okay.” That’s… more of a get-together at best, I’d say, than a party per se. Toga search party is a little bit more fun than the standard search party. We got a theme here, “Hey, we’re Romans and this guy’s missing.” [laughter] Here’s a Venn diagram. This is a… Vacation activities. Enemas. Water skiing. That’s where they overlap. [laughter] Here’s another Venn diagram. This is… tough guys and spandex. And the football is where they… [laughter] overlap right there. Finally, praying. We have a graph here. This is the amount people pray based on the location that they’re in. In the locker room before championship games, there’s a lot of prayer going on. And church, even more. Kneeling in front of the toilet is off the charts. This is where people really… talk to God, usually. A lot of promises are made just right there. [laughter] In a Jacuzzi, very little. Not much prayer goes on in a… Jacuzzi situation. And things that pray. People and mantises. [laughter] It’s a tie. -It’s the end of the drawings. -[cheering, applause] All right. You know what? I wanna try something. [cheering, applause] Okay. [cheering, applause] [chuckles] That was kinda cool. What was my next bit? Oh, yeah. I find that my horoscope is a lot more accurate if I just live, like, less specifically. [laughter] I just live kind of a vague life. It’s kinda like spot-on, you know. “What are you doing tomorrow?” “Making some choices.” [laughter] “You’re such a Gemini.” “You know it, man. That’s me.” [chuckles] Why do we have half sizes for shoes? That’s kinda weird. We could have picked twice as many numbers and then we wouldn’t have had to have fractions in the shoe sizes, you know what I mean? It seems like a mistake. Maybe they picked the shoe sizes and then people’s feet got more specific somehow or something. “We’re all done with the shoe sizes.” “Excuse me, I don’t fit in the nine or the ten.” “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” [laughter] “We just officialised all the numbers. Where were you?” “Shit. We’re going to fractions. This is unbelievable. I can’t–“ I think it’s cool that we have dashes in phone numbers. That was a good idea. That’s a good move. It’d be hard to get someone’s number without those little dashes in there. “What’s your number? I’ll give you a call.” “Oh, sure. It’s 3,256,568–” “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus Christ, man! Your number’s huge. This is crazy. Just forget it. I can’t count that high to call you.” [laughter] It’s kind of cool that O and zero work so nicely together. I feel like O will just substitute for zero. Like, all the time and nobody has a problem with it. ‘Cause they look so alike. You know, somebody gets your number, 260-4050, whatever, you know. But you can’t substitute “0” for “O.” It doesn’t go the other way for some reason. “Spell you first name for me.” “T-H-0-M-A-S.” [laughter] “The fuck, are you a robot? You can’t have a zero on your name.” It’s kind of a one-way street, really, with the– I think it’s weird that they went to double digits so quickly with numbers. I mean, we literally have an infinite number of numbers. There’s so many numbers. But when they were coming up with the shapes, it was like somebody uncreative was working on the shapes or something ’cause they just… they just ran out of ideas quickly. You know what I mean? Even at nine, you could tell they were in trouble. They were like, uh… “Maybe just flip the six? I don’t know.” [laughter] “I’m done, man. I’m out. Just double them up from here or something. I don’t know. That’s all I have. Okay?” I like sports bars. Sports bars are great. They collect all the people I don’t wanna hang out with and they put them in one room. [laughter] Yeah. I’m not against sports. I don’t have a problem with sports. I’m just not good at it. I’m not coordinated. I’m not drawn to sports. I don’t even look like someone who could spend time on a sports bar. I have a very punchable face in a sports bar. [laughter] It’s not a good look. You know? This is not a sports nose. You know, I know what I look like. Maybe for swimming this is a good nose. If I just keep my face down in the water. Kind of a rudder, I can steady my head. [laughter] It’s not an athletic look I have. I just learned recently that your nose and your ears are the only parts of your body that keep growing through your adult life. And I was like, “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” [laughter] Really? Okay. If I live long enough, this is gonna be a shit show, man. This is– [laughter] “Here comes Grandpa. He’s got that little walker for his nose, just couple of wheels on the front of this thing.” Roll it in. They should have a stationary bike at the gym that’s in a wheelie position. [laughter] It’ll be kinda cool. I’m like, “Yeah, I’ll ride a wheelie for a half an hour. Shit, yeah.” I’ll get on that thing. Hello. [laughter] Or a Stairmaster that goes downstairs. Just one of them would be like, “I’m not pushing it today. I’m just gonna go down, like, six flights of stairs.” I’m not a big workout guy. I’ve gone to gyms, but it doesn’t… doesn’t take for me, you know. The gym is too intense. You ever make eye contact with somebody in the mirror at the gym? It’s like way too intimate. That one bounce just makes it very personal. It doesn’t help if you try to diffuse it by like, you know, encouraging the guy. He’s like, “Hey, good job.” “What the fuck, man!” [laughter] [sniffles] Uh… I have tried to work out, though, over the years. I have– I put some effort into it. I’m the kind of person where I can make a really good plan. You know, I really do like charts and graphs and stuff. So make like a big poster by hand, I write it out. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. You know, chest and triceps. Tuesday, Thursday, back and biceps. And I got abs on this day and a whole program I’ve worked out for myself. Done research and everything. I post it up on a cork board at my house and… Nice start. I come out of the gate pretty good. I can do like three days, five days, maybe a week. I don’t think I ever made it to two weeks but I give it a shot. Then I lose steam, you know. It just doesn’t happen for me and I get distracted, I do something else. Um, what’s weird is I’m old enough now that I’ve repeated this pattern. I can see my behavior, like, this pattern repeating itself. Because I take “before” photos, too. I take– I get in the living room, you know, underwear, shorts, no shirt, just kinda… [laughter] You don’t smile on the “before” photos. I kinda have this blank… And then after you work out, you’re supposed to be like, “Hey!” You’ve got a tan. You’re lathered up or whatever a few months later. I just never made it that far, it just never worked out. So, I just had a series of photos of myself… getting older in my underwear. That’s it. [laughter, applause] If somebody found the photos after I died, “What was this guy’s fetish? What is this? [laughter] Just aging sadly in his living room? What the–?” Sometimes on the news I’ve noticed that reporters are kind of shitty to each other. Sometimes a reporter will introduce another reporter who’s out in the field and just give away their whole story in their introduction. “Now as Judy Wong reports down at the courthouse, there’s a big protest. Judy?” [laughter] “Thanks, asshole. That was my story, I was gonna tell them that but you managed to give away the whole story before I can even speak. Back to you, motherfucker.” [laughter] I was thinking the next time I buy a picture frame, I could bring a photo of myself and just slip it into the frame before I get to the register. [laughter] When she’s ringing up halfway through, I’d be like, “What the…? [laughter] How did you get one of my before photos?” [laughter] How do you market a cruise to people? That seems kind of hard. “Hey, do you like hotels?” “Yeah.” “How about one that could sink?” [laughter] Oh! [chuckles] “I can drown in my bedroom? Wow! Okay. [laughter] I like that. Yeah, that does sound fun.” Pretty close to the top of the list of ironic ways I would not wanna die would be to drown in the swimming pool on the deck of a cruise ship… [laughter] in the middle of the ocean. “Do you hear about Demetri?” “Yeah, he drowned in the Pacific Ocean.” “No, he drowned on the Pacific Ocean. [laughter] There’s a boat there that was totally fine. He just found this one rectangle of water and it was in there that he managed to die. What an idiot. That’s terrible. Yeah. Pretty embarrassing.” Balloons are great. You can use balloons for so many different things. But you can’t grieve with balloons. They are… a little limited that way. You know what I mean? Like you can’t show up to a funeral with a bunch of black balloons and be like, “I am so sorry for your loss.” [laughter] “Oh, thank you, these are… beautiful. Guess I’ll tie them to the casket.” [laughter] “Pop ’em when you’re ready. When you’re ready, just pop ’em.” “Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.” It’s weird to think about death because it’s the last thing that you do. Your last verb is you die. That’s the last thing you do. Unless you were body surfing, you could argue that you, you know, body surf for another 20 minutes after you die, but… I don’t think that counts really. I don’t know if that’s you so much at that point. I think I’m thirsty. Yep. Just get a quick drink. There we go. [cheering] Oh, that is warm. -[man] Water! -It’s like I’m drinking bath water. It’s a hot crowd. That’s a good crowd. [laughs] [laughter] Whoo! “How did your drinking water bit go?” “Oh, it went great, man. [laughter] They liked it. They like me a little bit thirsty for sure.” [laughter] Whoo! It’s amazing being in an audience. It’s one of the few times that you can have a conversation like that. You say, “Whoo!” Like that totally counts as a… [laughter] Your side of the conversation. How you doing? Whoo! Having a good night? Woo-hoo! [audience] Whoo! It’s totally cool. After the show, it would be kind of weird if I ran into you on the street… [laughter] “Were you on my show?” Whoo! [laughter] “You okay?” Woo-hoo! “Do you have like a disorder?” [softly] Whoo! [laughter] [softly] Whoo! “I’m sorry.” [softly] Woo-hoo. [laughter] I wonder if anybody ever had a near-death experience that just rolled into, like, a regular death. [laughter] Do you what I mean? Like, you’re in the OR… [mimics machine beeping, flatlines] All of a sudden you feel yourself leaving your body. Now you’re in the tunnel and there’s the bright light. You’re being drawn towards the light. You’re not even walking, you’re just floating towards the light through the darkness. And you see a line of people waiting for you and you just feel love and warmth. And here’s your grandmother, “Hello. Welcome.” [laughter] Across from her is your great-grandfather. You’ve never met him but you know it’s him. “Young man, it’s good to meet you. Welcome!” Here’s your dog when you were a kid… [mimics dog barking] But you can understand him. “Hello. Congratulations, sir.” Whatever they congratulate you when you die. [laughter] Some friend from high school, and a line of people smiling and waiting for you. And then suddenly, you freeze. [blowing] You start to go backwards. The light is fading. The line of people is receding. Your grandmother’s like, “Goodbye. It wasn’t your time, goodbye!” [mimics machine beeping] You feel yourself coming back into your body. You’re coming back. Something goes wrong. -[mimics machine flatlining] -[laughter] Now you gotta go back… [laughter] down the tunnel. Everybody’s running back into position your grandma’s like, “Hello again…” Your great-grandpa’s like, “This is very unusual, young man. What are we doing here?” Your dog like, “[barks] What the fuck?” And then… [chuckles] The light’s in your eyes at the wrong angle, the guy is putting out a cigarette, “Shit, this guy died!” I don’t have an ending for that joke, it’s just that… [laughter] The joke dies, just like we do. It’s just that… [cheering, applause] It’s okay. They should have positive uses for blow darts too. Like if you have to get your kid vaccinated. Go to the paediatrician, he’s like, “Would you like regular or a blow dart for the vaccination?” “Oh! Yeah, let’s try a blow dart. That sounds good.” The kid’s just like waiting on the table, doctor pops in… [blows] Ah! [cheering, applause] “Sweetie, you’re done! That’s it. You’re vaccinated.” Everybody wins. The doctor’s like, “I love my job. This is the best part of the day.” [laughter] The parent’s like, “Yes! Nailed it.” And the kid has no fear, there’s no anticipation leading up to, you know. Until the next time he has to… That is pretty much at the front door of the doctor’s office. The kid’s like, “Where is he?” [laughter] Which bit should I do next? Hmm… Uh… that one. This is called, “Fascinating Facts.” Some facts that I just wanna share with you. It is safer to fly in a plane than it is to fly in a car. [laughter] Drunk people are about 6,000 percent less interesting than they think they are. [laughter] The term for the very tip of the scissors is the “snipples.” [laughter] Pandas are biracial. [laughter] About 75 percent of German shepherds are dogs. [laughter] The other 25 percent are German shepherds. [laughter] White people are 50 times more likely than people of any other race use the word “neat-o.” [laughter] Due to global warming, the polar ice caps are now polar ice yarmulkes. [laughter] The most popular kind of prosthetic limb in the world is the dildo. [laughter] Wednesday is spelled wrong. [laughter] [applause] By simply adding a ponytail, a man can remove up to all of his credibility. [laughter] Nearly one half of all Americans are torsos. [laughter] The word “hurdle” comes from the Danish word meaning “testicle paddle.” [laughter] People who are vegan not only live longer they’re also more annoying. [laughter] New Jersey is the only state you can smell from other states. [laughter] In rare circumstances, the leap year falls on a hump day. This is known as the “leap hump.” [laughter] You’re more likely to die in a terrible accident than in a wonderful accident. [laughter] The capital of Alaska is “A.” [laughter] By the age of 90, the average person has already been dead for eight years. [laughter] No one has ever successfully blown a French kiss to another person. [laughter] Men are about 800 times more likely than women to fart into a bag at some point in their lives. [laughter] Experts believe there’s about 25 percent more camouflage in the world than we realize. [laughter] The term for the very bottom of the banana is the “ban-anus.” [laughter] There are fewer and fewer magicians in the world due to the difficulty they have reproducing. [laughter] The Heimlich manoeuvre can also be done on someone who’s constipated. [laughter] Sex… is the leading cause of people. [laughter] [cheering, applause] All right. All right, that worked pretty well. All right, I should keep the show moving. Hurry up. Okay. Oh, maybe I could do a bit with the mic stand. [mimics metal detector beeping] [laughter, applause] No, that’s not my style. I was driving and I saw a signage that said, “Hidden Driveway,” and I was like, “Well, you just ruined it! [laughter] Let me figure that out!” Sometimes when I’m driving and I get like, road rage pretty badly, you know, and I don’t have the physique to back it up. I– It’s such a mismatch between my anger and what I could actually do to anybody, I can’t… I can solve some puzzles really quickly in front of them, they’d be like, “Shit, this guy threw me off.” Part of the problem with road rage is that we don’t have an adequate way to communicate with each other. We have a very limited vocabulary we could say “thank you” and “fuck you.” That’s the two things we can say. That’s pretty limited ’cause sometimes I make a mistake and then I wish I had a gesture to go with it. You can’t really apologize, like, or cut a guy off and like, “Oh, shit.” And he catches up to me and I gotta be like… [laughter] “From your perspective. Fuck me. You see? I’m on your side here.” There’s no “I’m sorry.” I can’t be like, “I’m sorry. [laughter] I’m sad for what I did. Okay?” “What the hell is this guy doing? Is he a mime?” The car horn‘s even worse. That’s just like instant aggression. It’s like yelling “hey” at someone. You hit the horn and like, “Hey! Hey!” Sometimes I tap it, I’m not trying to be a dick here, I’m just trying to, you know, use it gently. I think it comes out, [softly] “Hey.” But it doesn’t. It comes out, “Hey!” [laughter] You can’t take it back if you make a mistake with the horns. Sometimes I wish I could take it back. I wish there was like a second button next to the horn, that was like a reverse horn sound, you know what I mean? So you could just like, take it back. Like I was waiting to make a left at the light, it was like the second car. The light changes, the guy doesn’t go. [mimics horn beeping] “Fucking go!” you know? Then I see the old man walking through the intersection. Now I look like a lunatic. I was basically saying, “Get him! Hit him!” [laughter] I wish I could take that back, though. [mimics horn beeping] Then I see the old man. -[mimics horn beeping in reverse] -[laughter] “Okay, cool. You’re not a dick. I hear you, that’s fine.” I love GPS. I use that a lot when I’m driving. For comedians, it’s great. We go to all these cities. We don’t know where anything is. GPS just tells you how to get there. And I learned recently that I could change the gender of the GPS, or the accent, which is kind of cool. You can’t change the tone of voice, though. I wish you could change the tone of voice. You could have like different emotional connection with the GPS depending on what you’re going through, you know? If you’re running late you could pick like “urgent.” “Okay. In two-tenths of a mile, make a right on the light. Go, go, go!” [laughter] Or if you’re driving late at night on a highway, you’re getting drowsy, you just pick, like, “alarming.” “In a quarter mile, you’re gonna die!” “Oh, shit. GPS, thank you.” “My God, you scared the shit out of me. Where am I?” “Reluctant” would be really good for somebody like me. [sighs] “At the roundabout, take the second exit.” “Do you even wanna go to this baby shower?” [laughter] No. “Then make a legal U-turn, and let’s fucking go home.” [laughter] Thanks, GPS, you’re right. I can’t wait till we have driverless cars everywhere. That’ll be cool. It’ll only be a matter of time before people figure out that they can just get a car for their dogs. “Honey, where are the dogs?” “I got them a car, they’re driving around for an hour.” [laughter] Can you imagine being in a red light and a car full of dogs pulls up next to you? [laughter] Incredible. The dogs are having a great time. The driver dog’s like, “I knew I could do this.” [laughter] If you get into an accident with dogs, how mad are you gonna be? You get out of the car, “Son of a bitch. Hello.” “Where’s your insurance? Get your insurance. Good boy.” I wonder if in the future, if robots will be such a regular part of our lives, it will be considered offensive to do “The Robot.” [laughter] You’re in a party like, “Hey, man, check me out.” Whoa! “What are you doing?” “Freaking robbies. I don’t give a shit.” “Did you say ‘robbies’?” Those are Technical-Americans.” [laughter] Sometimes when you make a job title sound more politically correct, it actually sounds worse, you know. “Your father’s not a garbage man. He’s a garbage person.” “Yep.” “Your dad’s a piece of shit is what I’m trying to say. You understand?” [laughter] Sometimes people say, “I forgive, but I don’t forget.” Sounds pretty cool. I’d like to hear, “I forget, but I don’t forgive.” [laughter] “Who the hell are you, you son of a bitch? [laughter] I’m mad at a lot of people and I don’t know who they are.” [laughter] Sometimes I feel like people are saying things, like they don’t even think through what they’re saying. I was in a fitting room at a clothing store, and I come out and the lady goes, “How’d you do?” [laughter] “Uh, bad. I did bad. I, uh… I put the sweater on my legs. I just… [laughter] I blew it. I blew it. I panicked. I got in as if I got a plan. Before I knew it, my legs were right in there on those sleeves. And just standing there and I… farted quietly and I came back. I just… But thank you for asking such a patronizing question to a grown man on how I did.” When I go to buy things, a lot of times, at the register, they ask me if I “found everything okay.” I don’t know if that’s a trend or if I just look like I can’t find shit in a store or something. Or it’s like, “Did you find everything okay?” I’ll just say, “Yes. Yeah, I did. Yes.” You can never say, “No.” right? “Do you find everything okay?” “No. I didn’t find anything okay. Your store’s impossible. I’ve been here for three hours looking for stuff. I can’t find a goddamn thing! This is all random shit. I don’t want any of this. This is just…” I got this because I knew you were gonna ask if I found stuff okay. But I just took random stuff. I…” What if you say no? What are they even gonna do for you? “Do you find everything okay?” “No.” “Okay. Shut down my register, I’m gonna help him find stuff okay. Come on, stupid, let’s find stuff together. You’re dumb.” “Thank you. Yeah, I can’t find stuff okay. Can you carry me by the hand? I want that. Could you–” “You found it? You’re okay?” “I’m okay.” “Good, fine.” “Okay.” [laughter] At a dinner party, I heard a guy say, “I believe everything happens for a reason.” And I wanted to smack him in the face, you know. [laughter] He’ll be like, “What the hell did you do that for?” “You tell me.” [laughter, applause] [man whistles] [cheering, applause] “That’s your belief, man. That’s your thing. I don’t know. Your… Your Lord lifted my hand and it hit him. This is part of His plan. He will see the reason in the future.” “Okay.” I love jokes. I love telling jokes because… there’s something really economical about a good joke. It breaks down a bunch of ideas into just a sentence or two. I’ve always loved that, actually. From day one as a comic, I’ve just been drawn to jokes. And I’ve noticed now, being a little bit older, that there have been times in my life where I ended up almost in a joke. Where I’m kind of in my own one-liner whether I like it or not. It doesn’t happen often, but I’ll give you an example. It’s almost 10 years ago, now. I was living in New York alone in a six-floor walk-up. No elevator, this whole building, with six floors up to the top. And I had this tiny apartment. I was single, I was over 30. One night, I was getting ready to go out, it was like a trivial moment. But then I said a sentence out loud to myself. It was like a perfect snapshot of my life at that moment. And right after I said it, I was like, “Oh, my God. I’m probably gonna remember that.” And I think about it often. It was really simple. I was in my apartment, getting ready to go out, and I said angrily out loud to myself…. “Where the fuck is my tambourine?” [laughter] Right there, what series of choices did this man make… [laughter] to be this angry about the location of a tambourine? “I got some jingling to do and I don’t have time to fuck around. People are counting on me.” [chuckles] It just like stayed with me. You know what I mean? It became like a big moment in my life now. It defines me. Well, fast forward to last winter. Now I’m married. I have two little kids. And I went on vacation with my family. We went to Lake Tahoe for Christmas break. It was great. We had a great time. It was beautiful. It snowed, you know, white Christmas. One morning, my wife said, “Why don’t we go out for breakfast today?” I said, “That’s a great idea, let’s go out.” We put the kids in the car and she navigated, I drove. She’s Yelping. She’s trying to find a restaurant that will satisfy our requirements, which is not that easy because we have dietary restrictions between us. She’s lactose intolerant. She can’t have gluten. She’s one of those people, it messes up her stomach. She’s got her thing. Me, I’ve got life-threatening food allergies. So that’s pretty nice, so… If I eat a peanut, I die. So that’s… [laughter] I can’t see any good use for that. I’ve never really seen a benefit that comes from that allergy, you know. Unless, I don’t know, if I were depressed. If I had a really rough stretch, I don’t need a gun or a bridge or you know, I mean, I could… just go to a 7/11, really. I’ll pop in there and grab a Reese’s peanut butter cup. I’m not paying for it, ’cause I’m gonna kill myself. So, I’ll just grab the peanut butter… ram it in my mouth, and just dead, right in front of the guy at the register. I’m sure he’d be like, “What the hell was that about?” [laughter] I wouldn’t do that. I’m not gonna do that because… If you think about it, that’s the grossest form of littering, in a sense. [laughter] Anyway, between the two of us, we’re just the worst table you’re ever gonna wait on. It’s just… She finds this place. We find this kind of healthy place. We go, we park. We come inside, it’s totally packed. This is a good sign. I guess this is a popular restaurant. There’s a table way over on the other side over here. We get the table. You got to go up to the register and order your food, then they give you a little metal stand and your number. They’ll bring you the food. So we ordered. We both get eggs and toast and some stuff for the kids. We were sitting, waiting for our food. Story picks up, I promise. So… [laughter] They bring our food out, I get all my stuff. She doesn’t get her toast. See, I got the regular toast and the eggs. But she got the gluten-free toast, which comes like, one piece at a time, It’s got like rocks and feathers in it. It’s this special sort of dust and clay. Whatever this thing is. Looks like a regular piece of toast from a distance. If you get closer, it looks like a kid pieced it together. She didn’t get her toast. Her eggs are getting cold and she’s getting pissed off. She’s looking, the manager comes out, “Is everything okay?” She said, “I ordered the gluten-free toast. I haven’t gotten it and my eggs are getting cold.” And he said, “Okay.” Here’s where the story picks up. He goes, “Brian!” He calls over. We looked across the room and standing next to the kitchen door is Brian, this very Olympic-looking bus boy with– just big shoulders, a beard, tiny apron. He’s just a big guy, kind of a lumberjack-snowboarder hybrid. He looks like a superhero, but he’s got this ridiculous little apron. He looks funny to me and I’m like, “I’m interested, there’s something here.” “Brian, gluten-free toast.” The guy just nods, disappears into the kitchen. So now we’re eating. And a few minutes later, I see my wife make a face I’ve never seen her make before. So I look where she’s looking, and there’s Brian. He’s come out of the kitchen with my wife’s piece of toast… in his hand. [laughter] He’s just making his way through the crowded restaurant, just holding the one piece of toast. I’ve never had this experience before. Seeing a grown man carry a piece of toast bareback through a restaurant, just… In his hand. In my whole life, I’ve just never seen this move. But he’s got the toast… He gets to our table, doesn’t say anything. He just holds up the toast. My wife just takes it in her hands and she’s like, “Thank you?” And she puts it on the plate. He walks away. We both burst out laughing. We’re just like… I’m immediately taken out of my life which is incredible. I’ve transcended regular experience, and he’s transported me by the simple act of carrying the toast like that. I’m now wondering, “Who’s Brian? What’s his story? I wanna know about him. Tell me everything about this guy. What just happened?” So, I started immediately theorizing and saying to my wife, “I think it’s probably one of two things, what we just witnessed. Number one, he’s being a dick. He’s in a bad mood. He’s having a bad day. And that was it, something just broke.” You know what I mean? “Maybe the manager is his uncle or something? He wasn’t supposed to work today, called him in last minute, he doesn’t even wanna be here. And your gluten-free toast was the last straw for Brian.” And he was like, “Goddamn toast. Here’s your stupid toast, lady.” “If your mouth were open, he’d probably have shoved it right into your mouth. He’s in a bad mood. He’s lashing out. We’re caught in the crossfire here.” And I was like, “Or two, he’s not being a dick. I’m judging him too harshly. Maybe he’s totally nice. He’s a good person. He’s just dumb. He’s not a smart guy.” He was just like, “Toast, toast, got to remember gluten-free toast. Get the lady her toast. Got to get the toast. Here’s the toast.” Trying to remember one thing, “Toast, toast, toast.” There he is back in his position, “More toast, what’s next? Tell me. Tell Brian ‘toast.'” [laughter] Either way, I don’t think it’s a good situation we’ve gotten ourselves into here.” Then, she wasn’t gonna eat the toast. And then I started to get philosophical, ’cause I was like, “Hold on. Think about it. Okay, so he touched your toast. But think, when the toast pops up, they touch the toast, put it on a plate then bring it to you on a plate. Is there that big a difference between going like that with the toast, and going like this and carrying it for an extra 80 seconds and putting it on your plate?” I’m like, “No. it doesn’t really matter.” I was like, “Your toast has been touched. He touched it in the kitchen. It’s not like they’re catching it on sterile plates. “Can’t touch.” I was like, “They touched your toast. He touched it, wiped his head with it, they passed it around the kitchen. [laughter] It’s just like, that’s backstage.” I went on this whole thing about the “theater” of restaurants and how we’re “out in the house” and that’s “backstage.” In the middle of my speech, I guess we’re making kind of a commotion. The manager comes over, and he goes to my wife, “Is everything okay?” And she goes… And before she can say anything, he goes, “Did Brian carry the toast over in his hand?” [laughter] This has happened before. I think I’m done. Am I, though? Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dick Gregory: Speech at St. John’s Baptist Church, May 20, 1963 – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dick-gregory-speech-st-johns-baptist-church-may-20-1963/

George O’Hare recounts his friendship with Dick Gregory and the events that led to his arrest in Birmingham, Alabama in 1963. Extracts from Confessions of a Recovering Racist, Morgan James Publishing, New York, 2018 Mr. Kelly’s was a nightclub on the Near North Side of Chicago and in those days, you never saw a single Black person in the place—not one. The waitresses were White, the bartender was White, the janitors were White, and the audience, of course, was lily-White. Once in a while, a Black musician like Duke Ellington or Cab Calloway would perform there, but a Black stand-up comedian? Never! I thought of Amos ‘n Andy, and wondered if he was that kind of comedian. Since meeting Dr. King and the Black prison inmates in Father “Dismas”’ program, I no longer found that type of comedy amusing. I began to understand why the NAACP had Amos ‘n Andy taken off the air. When I arrived at the nightclub, I was greeted by the White doorman. As I walked into the smoke-filled room, all I saw was a sea of White faces at one table after another. The act hadn’t started yet. Taking a table as close to the stage as possible, I ordered a drink and waited. Finally, a White gentleman came up and took the microphone. After a brief moment of disappointment, I realized he wasn’t the comic; he was only introducing the comic. “Put your hands together for the one and only Dick Gregory,” he said. We politely applauded. As soon as Dick Gregory took center stage, I recognized this slightly overweight, handsome comedian as the one who entertained the prisoners on Christmas morning of the previous year. He smoked like a chimney—cigarette after cigarette- as he joked about racism so skillfully that it never occurred to this all-White audience that they were actually laughing at themselves and their racist ways. “I went to a restaurant down south,” he would say, “and the waitress told me, ‘we don’t serve Negroes,’ and I said, ‘that’s okay, ‘I don’t eat Negroes, give me a half of a chicken.” Along with his hilarious jokes, he would also depict the not-so-funny reality of what our White ancestors did to other human beings during the slave era. As atrocious as these acts were, his jokes served to temper our shame and give us permission to laugh; not at the cruelty of our ancestors, but at the absurdity of their and our racist mindsets. Unlike a lot of stand-up comedians, Gregory was able to keep his audience in stitches without the use of profanity. I couldn’t wait to get to Sears the next day to thank my secretary for telling me about that show. When I left work that following evening, I again headed down to Mr. Kelly’s. I wanted to see more of this guy. Maybe he’d repeat the same routine. I wouldn’t have minded seeing it again, but I was pleasantly surprised when he told a whole new set of jokes. The more I heard from Dick Gregory, the more I wanted to hear. I went back to Mr. Kelly’s the following night and the next night and the night after that. On the fifth night, as I watched Dick Gregory bring his act to a close, I noticed he was looking directly at me. He told the audience how great they were, they applauded and he came straight to my table. “You’ve been here every night.” He said. I nodded in agreement. “Why do you keep coming back?” he asked “Because I enjoy your jokes and you have new ones every night,” I explained. After the show he came and sat at my table and we talked until the waiters and bus boys began stacking the chairs on the tables. “Which way are you going?” Gregory asked. I told him I was going to the western suburbs. “Can I drop you off somewhere?” I volunteered. He said he’d appreciate a ride to the L. As we headed for the “L” station, I thought to myself, Here I am, having a conversation with another intelligent Negro. I had yet to meet one that matched Uncle Lou’s description of a typical Negro. Surely there had to be more regular Negroes than there were exceptions, but at that time I had yet to encounter any typical head-scratching, shuffling, good-for-nothing Negroes. Gregory wasn’t just exceptional; he was brilliant. He knew something about everything under the sun. He called himself a “conspiracy theorist,” but his theories made a lot of sense. He used to talk about putting on the “magic glasses.” “George,” he once told me, “If you ever put on the magic glasses you’ll see through their propaganda and lies, and you’ll never look at the world the same way again. One night the conversation was so good I didn’t want to stop when we got to the L, so I took him all the way home. He invited me to his beautifully decorated apartment, eloquently designed with white walls, black furniture, and black rugs. There was some irony in the fact that everything was black and white. I met his wife, Lillian, and his daughter, Michelle, the only child the Gregory’s had at that time. I cannot emphasize enough how Dick Gregory is the most intelligent, insightful, and genuine person I have ever known. Through those car rides, we developed a real friendship. Here was someone with whom I could be honest and truthful. I asked him so many questions about Negroes he began calling me his “racist friend.” I didn’t take offense because I knew he was right. The experience of listening to the words of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and seeing up close his love for all people and his commitment to equality brought me close to becoming a “recovering racist.” My friendship with Dick Gregory brought me even closer. I kept going to Mr. Kelly’s or wherever Gregory was playing. Sometimes he’d tell his audience, “Honkies are dumb.” They would laugh, and then he’d say. “If you don’t believe it, look at that man sitting in the back. I call him a racist and he keeps coming back. Stand up “Honkie.” That would be my cue. I’d stand up, and they’d laugh even harder. He talked about the Constitution, too. “One of these days we’re going to make this Constitution work,” he’d say. “One day we’re going to have a group of White executives talking about ’We have the best and the brightest working for us.’ Then he’ll look over at the door and say, ’Who’s that Negro coming in here?’ Another executive will say, ’Oh, that’s my brother in law.’” My friends, relatives, and coworkers weren’t the only ones who were concerned about me hanging out in the Black community. I often wondered if Gordon Metcalf had known I would become so involved in the Black community would he have connected me with the Junior Chamber of Commerce or forced me to go see Dr. King speak? By that time, he had become Chairman of the Board of Sears, but I continued to have a good relationship with him. One day he called me into his office and echoed what everyone else was saying. “George, you’re ruining your career,” he said, “I know Dick Gregory is a nightclub comedian, but he’s still a Negro, and I can’t understand why you spend so much time with him. I explained that Dick Gregory took an interest in me and opened my eyes to a whole new perspective of life. “I’d like to bring him down to meet you,” I said. Mr. Metcalf was open to meeting him, so I invited Dick Gregory to come to Sears. Now, usually, people couldn’t get more than five minutes with the Chairman of the Board, but when I brought Dick Gregory to meet Mr. Metcalf that five-minute rule flew out of the window. In fact, Mr. Metcalf was so impressed with Gregory that he had all of the top management of Sears come to his office to meet him. Gregory spent more than an hour in Metcalfs office mesmerizing those managers with his profound logic and disarming humor. When I told Gregory I knew Dr. King he said, “Good, maybe you’ll learn something from him.” He already knew Dr. King and knew he believed in the practice of “nonviolence” and “turning the other cheek.” He also knew anyone who became part of Dr. King’s movement had to commit to nonviolence, and Dick Gregory was becoming very much engaged in non-violent practices. Because of Gregory’s anti-Vietnam war stance and his commitment to nonviolence, he even went on a serious fast, stopped eating meat and became a total vegetarian. He convinced me to stop eating meat, and I became a vegan also, for a little while. Eating meat was too deeply embroiled in my heritage to quit for good, but while I was a vegetarian, I went on a fast with Gregory and lost thirty pounds. I changed my bad eating habits a lot because of Greg. I’m not perfect, but I think I’m a healthier eater than a lot of people I know. Sometimes I joke that Gregory encouraged me to become a vegetarian, and at the same time, my love of beer caused me to become a “beer-a-tarian” all by myself. When one thinks of a nonviolence movement, it generally conjures up visions of everyone peacefully walking, arm-in-arm, singing Kumbaya. That wasn’t the case at all. The nonviolence movement was far from being quiet and peaceful as the name evoked. The marches and demonstrations elicited the worse kind of violence. The thought of how violence underscored the movement was running through my mind the day Dr. King scheduled a march in Marquette Park on the Southwest Side of Chicago. If he had asked me to go to the march, I would have had a hard time saying no, but deep down inside I was terrified at the thought of marching in that racist neighborhood with a group of Black people. Having once shared the racist mindset of my White brothers and sisters, I knew what would be in store for us. The Southwest Side residents would be out there protecting their all-White neighborhoods from those Negroes, just as we used to protect our all-White Chicago beaches from them. Some of the people who would be marching in Marquette Park that day could very well have been some of the White lifeguards from the Oak Street and North Avenue Beaches, all grown up and more embroiled in their racist views than ever. Whenever a Black person would come near our beach, we would shoo them off saying, “Go on N i g g e r! Get out of here!” The hatred that made us want to drown those Black people was the same type of ugly hatred that would cause the racists in Marquette Park to beat, stomp, stone or do whatever they felt was necessary to let the civil rights marchers know they’re not welcome in their neighborhood. I thought of my friends and neighbors calling me “N i g g e r lover,” and warning me not to hang around “those people.” Befriending a Black person was, in their racist minds, equivalent to an act of treason. Although I understood the necessity of the marches and agreed in principle, I was not prepared to go out there and put my life on the line. I had a wife, I had three sons, and I had a life. Martin must have read my mind. “George,” he said, “There will probably be a lot of calls coming in, especially from the press. Why don’t you stay here at the church and answer the phones?” “I’ll be happy to,” I said. I didn’t know if he could detect the relief in my voice. Knowing Martin, he probably could. Later, when I was at home, and Jean and I were watching the march on TV, I watched, horrified as Dr. King was hit with a brick causing him to fall to one knee. I thought to myself, if it hadn’t been for Dr. King, I might have been the recipient of that brick or something worse. There were thirty injuries in all that March afternoon, but that didn’t stop Dr. King. He planned another march in Birmingham, Alabama. Dick Gregory went with him, but Dr. King thought it would be best if I stayed in Chicago. Once again, I couldn’t have agreed more. The next evening, I got a call from Dick Gregory. “Hey George, I’m here in Birmingham.” “Oh, you’re still there?” “Yeah, they arrested Dr. King and me, along with some other marchers.” “Did they let you go?” “Yeah, they let us all go … to jail.” “You’ve been arrested?” “That’s what I said! We’re in the Birmingham Jail. Do you think you can let the newspapers know?” “I’ll do my best,” I told him. Since I was the advertising manager for Sears, I knew a lot of media people. They knew I was the one who made the decisions about what ad space to buy for Sears’ advertising, so they were more than accommodating when I wanted to give them a ‘scoop’ for their papers. Some of the media people became more than reporters to me; we became friends. Irv Kupcinet, the legendary columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times newspaper, became one of my closest friends. His “Kup’s Column” was the most widely read and frequently quoted column of any Chicago newspaper. As soon as I finished talking to Dick Gregory, I began dialing Irv Kupcinet’s number. “Hey Kup,” I said, “I’ve got an exclusive for you.” Kup was all ears, and I didn’t disappoint. “Dr. Martin Luther King and Dick Gregory are in a Birmingham jail,” I told him. Kup wanted all of the details. I did my best to paint a picture for him, based on what Gregory told me. The next day I bought a Chicago Sun-Times newspaper and turned to Kup’s Column. There was the story, “Dr. Martin Luther King and Dick Gregory were arrested and are in a Birmingham, Alabama jail.” The other newspapers, the Chicago Daily News, the Herald American and the Chicago Tribune, as well as some smaller newspapers, picked up the story. The Sun-Times sent a photographer to Alabama to take a photo of Gregory and Dr. King behind bars. After that, “Kup” became very interested in the Civil Rights Movement. Nearly every day there was a mention of Dr. King or Dick Gregory in “Kup’s Column.” Gregory remained a guest of the Birmingham jail for four days. Why this successful comedian would decide to go to Birmingham, knowing his arrest was inevitable, was a mystery to most people, and Gregory knew it He made a speech at St. John’s Baptist Church to explain why he made the decision, and newspapers across the country quoted him. The Civil Rights Movement became a prominent daily item in the national news, and Dick Gregory was officially a part of that movement. Membership in most organizations has its privileges. Membership in the controversial Civil Rights Movement had its pitfalls, and for Gregory, that meant immediately losing over 150 nightclub engagements at an average of $20,000 per event. In a matter of days, Gregory went from a sought-after comedian with a multi-million dollar career to being almost on the edge of poverty. Losing such income didn’t seem to bother Gregory. He was on a mission to bring an end to Jim Crow, racism, the Vietnam War, and worldwide hunger. * * * Dick Gregory Speech at St. John’s Baptist Church Birmingham, Alabama – May 20, 1963 I’ll tell you one thing, it sure is nice being out of that prison over there. Lot of people asked me when I went back to Chicago last night, they said, “Well how are the Negroes in Birmingham taking it? What did they act like? What did they look like?” I said, “Man, I got off a plane at 10:30, arrived at the motel at 11 and by one o’clock I was in jail.” [laughter] So I know what you all mean when you refer to the good old days. I asked one guy, “What is the ‘good old days’?” and he said, “10 B.C. and 15 B.C.” And I said, “Baby, you’re not that old” and he said, “Nah, I mean 10, 15 years before Bull Connor got here.” [laughter] Man they had so many Negroes in jail over there, the day I was there, when you looked out the window and see one of them walking around free, you knew he was a tourist. I got back to Chicago last night and a guy said, “Well how would you describe the prison scene?” and I said, “Baby, just wall to wall us.” [laughter] So I don’t know, really, when you stop to think about it. That was some mighty horrible food they were giving us over there. First couple of days, it taste bad and look bad and after that it tasted like home cooking, [laughter] Matter of fact, it got so good the third day it got so good that I asked one of the guards for the recipe. [laughter] Of course you know, really, I don’t mind going to jail myself, I just hate to see Martin Luther King in jail. For various reasons: one, when the final day get here, he is going to have a hard time trying to explain to the boss upstairs how he spent more time in jail than he did in the pulpit. [laughter] When I read in the paper in Chicago that they had him in jail on Good Friday, I said that’s good. And I was praying and hoping when they put him in Good Friday they had checked back there Easter Sunday morning and he would have been gone. That would have shook up a lot of people, wouldn’t it? [laughter] I don’t know how much faith you have in newspapers, but I read an article in the paper a couple days ago, where the Russians – did you see this, they gave it a lot of space – the Russians claim they found Hitler’s head. Well I want to tell you that’s not true. You want to find Hitler’s head, just look right up above Bull Connor’s shoulders. [laughter] To be honest with you, I don’t know why you call him ‘Bull Connor.’ Just say bull, that’s half of it. Couple of them hep sisters over there in the corner. I don’t know, when you stop and think about it, I guess little by little when you look around, it kind of looks like we’re doing alright. I read in the paper not too long ago, they picked the first Negro astronaut. That shows y ou so much pressure is being put on Washington, these cats just reach back and they trying to pacify us real quickly. A lot of people was happy that they had the first Negro astronaut, well I’ll be honest with you, not myself. I was kind of hoping we’d get a Negro airline pilot first. They didn’t give us a Negro airline pilot; they gave us a Negro astronaut. You realize that we can jump from back of the bus to the moon? [laughter] That’s about the size of it. I don’t know why this cat let ’em trick him into volunteering for that space job, they not even ready for a Negro astronaut. You have never heard of no dehydrated pig’s feet. I never would have let them give me that job, myself. No, I wouldn’t, that’s one job I don’t think I could take. Just my luck, they’d put me in one of them rockets and blast it off, we’d land on Mars somewhere. A cat’d walk up to me with 27 heads, 59 jaws, 19 lips, 47 legs and look at me and say, “I don’t want you marrying my daughter neither.” Oh I’d have to cut him. So I don’t know, when you stop and think about it, we’re all confused. I’m very confused-I’m married, my wife can’t cook. No, it’s not funny. How do you burn Kool-Aid? [laughter] You know, raising kids today is such a difficult task. These kids are so clever. They’re so hip. My son walked up to me not too long ago, he said, “Daddy, I’m going to run away from home. Call me a cab.” [laughter] I remember when I was a kid, I told my father the same thing, I said, “Pa if you don’t give me a nickel, I’m leaving home.” He said, ” Son I’m not gonna give you one penny and take your brothers with you.” [laughter] I remember when I was a kid, if my parents wanted to punish me, it was simple, they told me, “Get upstairs to your room,” which was a heck of a punishment because there was no upstairs. [laughter] And I just found out something not too long ago I didn’t know. You don’t walk into a kid’s room anymore. You have to knock first. My daughter told me, “I’m three years old, I’ve got rights.” What do you mean you have rights? You haven’t even got a job. I said, “Honey, you don’t know how fortunate you are: you have a room by yourself, a bed by yourself.” I said, “Honey, do you realize when I was three years old, so many of us slept in the same bed together, if I went to the washroom in the middle of the night, I had to leave a bookmark so I wouldn’t lose my spot.” [laughter] She said, “Daddy aren’t you happy you’re living with us now?” [laughter] Let me tell you about this daughter of mine. Last Christmas Eve night, I walked into my daughter’s room, I said, “Michelle, tonight’s Christmas Eve, it’s 11:30, you’re three years old, go to bed and get ready for Santa Claus.” She said, “I don’t believe in Santa Claus.” I said, “What in the world you mean you don’t believe in Santa Claus and I’m picking up the tab?” She said, “Daddy, I don’t care what you picking up, I don’t believe in Santa Claus.” I said, “Why?” She said “Because you know darn good and well there ain’t no white man coming into our neighborhood after midnight.” [laughter] So you see, we have problems. I’d like to say, it’s been a pleasure being here. A lot of people wonder, why would I make a decision to go to Greenwood, Mississippi? Why would I make a decision to come to Birmingham? When I lay in my bed at night and I think if America had to go to war tonight, I would be willing to go to any of the four corners of the world; and if I am willing to go and lay on some cold dirt, away from my love ones and my friends and take a chance on losing my life to guarantee some foreigner that I’ve never met equal rights and dignity, I must be able to come down here. You know it is such a funny thing how the American mind works-and this is white and Negro alike – how many on both sides of the fence say, “Well did he go down for publicity?” One, I don’t need publicity. But the amazing thing is if I had decided to quit show business and join the Peace Corps and go to South Vietnam, nobody would have said anything about publicity. Only when you decide to help us, you get a complaint. You people here in the South are the most beautiful people alive in the world today. The only person in this number one country in the world, that knows where he’s going and have a purpose, is the Southern Negro – bar none. When you break through and get your freedom and your dignity, then we up North will also break through and get our freedom and our dignity. Because up North we have always been able to use the South as our garbage can. But when you make these white folks put that lid on this garbage can down here, we are going to have to throw our garbage in our own backyard, and it’s going to stink worse than it stinks down here. [applause] One of greatest problems the Negro has in America today is that we have never been able to control our image. The man downtown has always controlled our image. He has always told us how we’re supposed to act. He has always told us a n i g g e r know his place-and he don’t mean this, because if we knew our place he wouldn’t have to put all those signs up. [applause] And if you think we know our place, let one of us get $2 uptight on our rent and 50 cents in our pocket and we’ll kick the hinges off them doors downtown to open up. But we have never been able to control our image. He’s always told us about a Negro crime rate, to the extent that you have finally decided to believe it. This is the bad part about not being able to control your image. I’ve always said, “What Negro crime rate?” Look at it, we not raping three-year-old kids. We haven’t put forty sticks of dynamite in mother’s luggage and blew one of them airplanes out the sky. And I don’t care what they say about us, we’ve never lynched anybody [applause]. So what Negro crime rate? If you want to see a true Negro crime rate, watch television. Look at all them gangster movies, you never see us. Of course now, you can look at TV, week in and week out and look at all those doctor series they have on television and you’d be led to believe a Negro never gets sick. [laughter] For some reason, not being able to control our image has made us almost ashamed of us. Because anything he decides to tell us, about us, we believe it, and become ashamed of it. Negro crime rate? Sure, a lot of us get arrested. Why? The answer is right out there in the street, everyday. You got a Southerner out there in the police department that is probably the lowest form of man walking the earth today. Now here’s a man out there, didn’t like you in the first place, now he’s got a gun. What is your crime rate supposed to look like? They have gotten to the point where they’ve made you ashamed of relief. “Don’t talk to so and so, she’s on ADC.” I was on relief twenty years, back home. It wasn’t funny, but I wasn’t ashamed of it, because had they gave my daddy the type of job he deserved to have, we wouldn’t have needed no relief. And the day this white man – not only in the South, but in America – gives us fair housing, fair jobs, equal schools and the other things the Constitution say we supposed to have, we will relieve him of relief, [applause] Until that day rolls around, let him pay his dues. The check ain’t much, but it’s steady. And then you read a lot and hear a lot about Negro women with illegitimate kids. Oh this really makes you ashamed. Each time you pick up one of them newspapers, one of them magazines, reading about Negro women with illegitimate kids, check the article out and see who wrote it. Some chick living in a neighborhood where they’ve got abortion credit cards. Never been able to control our image, all at once we’re ashamed. Talked about us for so long, we started believing it. Talked about our hair for so long, for a hundred years now we’ve been trying to straighten our wig out. Wouldn’t it be wild if you find out one day that we had natural hair and there was something wrong with theirs? Every time you look around, they’re talking about a Negro with a switchblade to the extent we don’t want to carry switchblades no more. Well I keep me a switchblade. I got a deal going with the white folks, I don’t say nothing about their missiles and they don’t say nothing about my switchblade. [laughter] Here’s a man who owns half the missiles in the world and want to talk about my switchblade. I don’t know one Negro in America that manufactures switchblades – now he going to sell me some and then talk about it after I get it. He made a lot of mistakes and had all you older people been able to figure out the mistakes he made like the younger people figured them out, we would have had this a long time ago. [applause] Yep, he made a lot of mistakes. Here’s a man that got over here and didn’t even know how to work segregation. Didn’t even know how prejudice worked. He just wanted to try it. He said, “We got a bunch of them n ig g e r s, let’s try it” and he messed up. ‘Cause any clown knows that if you want to segregate somebody and keep them down forever, you put them up front. They made the great mistake of putting us in the back; we’ve been watching them for 300 years. [applause] Yeah, that was a big mistake they made. We know how dirty they get their underwear, because we wash them for them. They don’t even know if we wear them or not. They made a couple of mistakes. It is beginning to catch up with them now. One of the biggest mistakes they made, is that white lady. All at once they think all we want is a white lady. And they don’t understand why we want one. It’s their fault. Bufferins can’t advertise Bufferins without one of them white ladies and so we feel we need a white lady to get rid of our headache. [laughter] Every year General Motors advertise them Cadillacs with them blonds and know we gonna get one of them cars. Every time I go to the movie, I can’t see none of them pretty little chocolate drops in them dynamite love scenes-show me one of them white ladies. Every time I look at Miss America, I can’t see no Mau Mau queens-show me one of them white ladies. So what am I supposed to watch? But I’ll make a deal with the good white brother, yes, if he let me turn on television and see some of my women advertising some of them products we use so much of, if he let me go to the movie and see some of my folks in some of them good scenes, and if he let me turn on television this year and see seven of us on Miss America to make up, then anytime he see me with a white woman I’ll be holding her for the police. [laughter] Again, I’d like to say it is completely and totally my pleasure being here. I don’t know how many of you in the house have kids that was in jail. Four days I was in jail. Had you been there, as I was, walking through, listening, it was really something to be proud of, really something to be proud of. And if something ever happens and you have to do it again, don’t hesitate. [applause] Because the only thing we have left now that’s gonna save this whole country and eventually the world is us. He taught us honesty and he forgot how it worked himself. Nothing wrong with that white man downtown-we just have to teach him how to act. He don’t know how to be fair. He don’t know-we’d never complain if he was fair. “Keep me a second-class citizen, but just don’t make me pay first-class taxes. Send me to the worst schools in America, if you must, but when I go downtown to apply for that job, don’t give me the same test you give that white boy.” Now we are going to have to teach him how to be fair and the only thing we have to do it with is ourselves. This is it, this is all we have. He has all the police, all the dogs; never thought I’d see the day the fireman would turn water on us in summertime and make us hotter, but they did. What these white folks don’t realize is a terrific amount of police brutality that I have witnessed down here, what they fail to realize is when you let a man bend the law and aim it at us, he’ll aim that same law at you. [applause] These are the problems that we have. Again, I am as far away from you as Delta Airline is; anytime there is any problem, I will be back. Thank you very much and God bless you. [applause] External links: Dick Gregory in His Own Words: Remembering the Pioneering Comedian and Civil Rights Activist Democracy Now! featured Dick Gregory in his own words in their 2002 long interview with the comedian.

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Bert Kreischer: Secret Time (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-secret-time-transcript/

[applause] [male presenter] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Bert Kreischer. [applause] [rock music playing] [crowd cheering and applauding] [crowd cheering louder] Oh. Yes. [crowd cheering] Yeah, lower your expectations, Philly. [audience laughing] We’re just getting drunk and telling secrets. [laughing] [coughs] Secret time. [laughs] Secret time: when I get out of the shower, I dry my asshole on the bed. Bam! Secret time. [laughing] Secret time: sometimes when I wipe my ass, I spit on the toilet paper. It’s called an Alabama Wet Wipe. Secret time. [laughter and cheers] [laughing] Secret time: when my wife has an orgasm, she looks like Elvis. [moans and laughs] Secret time. [laughs] [audience laughing] I love my wife. Er… Sometimes, when my wife’s blowing me, I feel like she’s gagging for the wrong reason. [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] Down there trying to hold it together like a rookie in a hot dog eating contest. [retching] Staring into my belly like a woman lost in the desert, just… [moaning] Listening to me going in and out of sleep apnea through it. [snorting] Slower. [continues snorting] Slower. [vomiting sounds] I’m really big, huh? [crowd laughing] [Bert laughs] She’s a good mom. [crowd laughing] Couldn’t give a hand job to save her life. Seriously, if someone broke into our house, lined up our family on the couch, he’s like, [screaming] “I’m gonna kill every motherfucker in here [gently] unless one of you can give me a semi tolerable… [crowd laughing] [gently] Like on a scale of one to ten, like a three kind of earthy hand job…” I’d still be like, “Honey, I got this. Stop crying, girls. We’re gonna be just fine. [crowd laughing] [firmly] Keep your hands in your pocket, LeeAnn.” Last hand job I got from her, October 7th 2017. I remember it. I was sober that month. Getting a sober hand job is a lot like getting molested at camp. [laughs] I wanted to have sex. I started to go, “Let’s bang one out,” she’s like, “I don’t want to have sex.” [bored] I was like, “All right, I’ll just take a blow job.” Apparently that’s an upsell. [crowd laughing] I didn’t realize that, “Oh, you don’t like the Volkswagen, try the BMW.” So we settled on a Kia. That’s a hand job in the afternoon. The second it started, I was like, “I immediately regret this decision.” Sun is filling the room. I’m laying on the bed. She’s sitting next to me, criss cross applesauce, fully dressed, with a smile, like it’s her first time rolling dice. [crowd laughing] I’m like, “Stop staring at me.” She’s like, “Huh?” I go, “We’re making eye contact. You’re staring into my soul. It hurts.” She’s like, “What should I look at? At it?” I go, “Dab for all I fucking care.” [crowd laughing] She is a good mom. I’m a shit dad. I don’t hit ’em, you know, and stuff but… I’m a shit dad. [laughs] Do you remember when you were a kid, and you’d hear your parents talking about really bad parents, [in a softer voice] like, “Oh, my gosh. Amy Stevens’ mom was drunk dropping her off at school the other day,” [in his voice] and you were like, “How does that happen?” Then you become a parent, you’re like, “I know how that happens.” [crowd laughing] I’ve definitely been there. Stop drinking at three, wake up at seven for drop-off. Get in the car, you’re like, “Whoa… Who wants to take Uber today, huh? We can get donuts if we don’t tell Mom about it.” [crowd laughing] This is how bad of a parent I am. I went to a parent-teacher conference, stayed out until four in the morning. Conference starts at 7:30 in the morning. I wake up, I’m like, “Oh, fuck.” I make a cup of coffee, I grab two Diet Cokes, go to the conference, kill the coffee before the conference even starts, sit down for the conference, crack my Diet Coke, take a sip, and realize I have a Coors Light. [crowd laughing and clapping] That is a game-time decision, gentlemen. The second I felt the beer touch my tongue… [laughs with pleasure] That’s like a finger in your ass in an orgy. [crowd laughing] What kind of man are you? Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it? Yeah, I pushed back into it and I killed that fucking Coors Light. [crowd laughing and cheering] [Bert laughing] Reached into my pocket and prayed I had another Coors Light. Who the fuck wants a Diet Coke if you just had a Coors Light? I don’t hit ’em. That’s the only thing I can say. I don’t hit my kids. We live in LA. So when they misbehave, we put them in the corner and urinate on them. [crowd laughing] Just kidding. Someone’s gonna take that fucking for real. They’re like, “You really piss on your fucking kids?” [sighs] I don’t hit ’em. I got hit. Not a lot. I got spanked a couple times and all I know is you do not want… Man, spanking sucks. You grew up in Philly. You know. You still get hit. [crowd laughing] I remember the first time I ever got spanked. My sister’s fourth birthday party. I was six. They’re singing “Happy Birthday,” she goes to blow out the candles, and I’m like, “And kiss the cake! Boom!” Dude, it killed so hard. The clown was laughing. He was like, “Doh, this kid’s got chops.” It killed so hard that my dad’s like, “Yo, I gotta talk to you in the garage.” I was like, “If you’re gonna high-five me, we should probably do it out there. [crowd laughing] She’s a little worked up.” We get into the garage, he’s like, “Pull your pants down.” I was like, “Hold on, slow down for a second. We both agreed this was funny, but I wouldn’t go sucking my dick over it.” [crowd cheering and clapping] And then he spanked me. Spanked me, and then said, “Pull your pants up. Let’s go back to the party.” I was like, “I don’t feel like partying anymore.” He never got my personality. Still doesn’t get my personality. Like even today as men, I called him up the other morning, early in the morning LA time. He’s in Florida. He goes, [in a deep voice] “What are you doing awake?” I said, [in his voice] “I had a bad dream.” It’s silent, and he just goes, “Whoa, you still dream?” I go, “Yeah, I dream. You don’t dream?” He goes, “No, I don’t dream. I’m a fucking man! I go to sleep, ’cause I’m tired from working all day, and I sleep, ’cause I have to work the next day. What are you dreaming about? Ponies and shit?” I was like, “Yeah, sometimes.” He goes, “I’d love to have your job. All you gotta do is get drunk and fucking tell secrets. [crowd laughing] Secret time! My dad hit me when I was a kid. Secret time. Secret time: one time, my dad shit his pants at a Banana Republic.” Secret time. That’s true. That’s actually true. A hundred percent true, swear to God. The day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. Or Brown Friday, as we call it. [crowd laughing] We go to Banana Republic. I grab a sweater and a jacket. The sweater’s for him. I get in line and go, “Yo, watch my kids.” “All right,” then he comes back without my kids. “Where are my kids?” He’s like, “Fuck your kids. We got a problem.” [crowd laughing] I was like, “What?” He goes, “I think I’m gonna shit my pants. What do I do?” I was like, “Stop making eye contact with me, stranger.” And then he shit his pants. And I saw it happen in his eyes. Just, [shouting] “Oh! I shit my pants!” [crowd laughing] He makes a beeline out of B-Reps, my mom and my wife come up and they’re like, “Where is Dad?” I was like, “Dad just shit his pants.” My mom jumped on it like a soldier. She was like, [fast] “Someone get him a new pair of khakis. 38/30. I’ll go find him.” I was like, “Does this happen a lot?” [crowd laughing] He does not find me funny. I’ve only made him laugh one time. One time seven Christmases ago. I was in D.C. I call my wife up and go, “Yo, what do you want for Christmas?” My wife’s like, “Pajamas.” That’s what I heard: pajamas. She meant pajamas. I heard pajamas. She meant a pair of pajamas. Start there, Bert. I heard the plural, so I bought her seven pairs of pajamas… [crowd laughing] …and individually wrapped them, she had a lot of shit to open. And I sat back going, “Done, son! Bitch wants pajamas, bitch got pajamas!” [crowd laughing] All Christmas, I’m like, “Yo, open my gift!” She’s like, “I’ll get to it. I’m working with the girls.” My dad sitting next to me like, “You must’ve killed it this year, buddy.” I was like, “You’ll see.” [crowd laughing] [laughing] Finally… end of Christmas, she gets to my present. I’ve been talking about this present all Christmas. [laughing] [laughing, almost crying] Whole family gathers around. She opens the first pair. Pulls them out and just goes, “Oh, pajamas.” [crowd laughing] [Bert laughing hard] And immediately, I think, “Fuck.” If that’s her reaction to pajamas number one… I can’t imagine it’s going to build. My dad’s drinking whiskey and eggnog, and just goes, “Who the fuck buys someone pajamas?” She opens the second pair, pulls them out, and goes, “Oh. More pajamas.” My dad looks at the five unwrapped gifts, quickly does the math, and goes, “You’re a fucking idiot.” [crowd laughing and clapping] By pajamas number five, he’s going Flipper on me, just… [dolphin sounds] Pajama number six, the whole family’s around her, going, “Come on, pajamas!” Pajamas number seven, they are pissing themselves, thinking, “How could this get funnier?” What they do not know is, I’ve also bought my mom and sisters pajamas. [crowd laughing] You should have seen this man when my mom pulled her gift out from me, and he was like, “Oh, it’s motherfucking pajamas!” [crowd laughing] I have made this man so angry in life. One time… whole family was driving from Tampa to Philadelphia. Like, I’m ten years old, or whenever spitballs were big. I’m sitting in the back of the station wagon, and I have a brilliant idea. I go, “I wonder… if I could shoot a spitball from where I’m sitting to the inside of his glasses… [crowd laughing] [Bert laughs] …while he’s driving 80 miles per hour… I bet he’ll appreciate how good my aim is.” I’m like, “Yeah, this is a great idea.” I line it up, I take the shot… [blowing] …and I miss entirely. And instead of going on the inside of his glasses, it goes directly in his ear canal. [laughing] And he goes full JFK, just, [shouting] “Son of a fucking bitch! Oh, God!” My mom’s like, “What’s going on?” He’s like, “Something entered my head! Oh! I think I’m having a stroke, Maggie!” Pulls the car over, fishes it out, and is like, “How the fuck… would a piece of paper get in my fucking ear? Is there a window?” Turns around, I’m so shocked I missed, I still have the straw in my mouth, like… [crowd laughing] He goes, “Did you do this?” “I was trying to get it on the inside of your glasses.” He’s like, “Why?” “Wanted to show you how good my aim is.” He looks at me without breaking a smile and goes, “Hey, buddy, your aim fucking sucks.” [crowd laughing] [sighing] One time, I’m like five years old. I’m eating breakfast in his bed, and I finished my milk. I look at him and go, “Hey, big guy, refill on the milk.” [crowd laughing] He rolls his eyes… goes in the refrigerator, pulls out some milk, comes into his bedroom, leans over his bed starts to pour, and I go, “Hey!” [laughing] And he pours milk on his bed, and goes, “Why the fuck would you do that?” I looked at him and I go, “It’s comedy.” [crowd laughing] [groans] He told me I should start hitting my kids. Yeah, my kids are dumb as fuck. I love them. They’re my children. I love them with all my heart, but man, they are legit mouth-breathers. [crowd laughing] Two very different types of stupid. My oldest just found out there’s no Santa Claus. Yeah, she’s 13. To put that in perspective, kids in her class are finger fucking and hitting vape pens. [crowd laughing] She’s leaving out milk and cookies, clicking her heels together. She asked me about Santa this last Christmas, and I panicked. Because I believe, and I could be wrong, but I believe there’s a correlation in when you stop believing in Santa and when you start sucking dicks. [crowd laughing] No? No. Do you believe in Santa? Oh! Do you suck dicks? [shouting] Oh, shit! Case in point, son! [crowd laughing] So I’m just trying to get a little lead time. She’s like, “Dad, what’s the story on Santa?” I start panicking, my wife’s next to me, I’m like, “Er… You mean Santa?” She’s like, “Yeah, Santa.” I go, “You mean Jesus’s brother, Santa?” She was like, “Whoa, Jesus and Santa were brothers?” I was like, “Fuck yeah! And when the Jews came after Jesus, Santa was like, ‘Fuck that,’ and he bounced. He went to the North Pole and hung out with midgets, and then one day, his reindeer said ‘Santa, I don’t wanna freak you out, but the Jews killed your brother.’ He said, ‘Fuck, I’m killing all the Jews!’ He goes, ‘We can’t Santa. There’s too many.’ He says, ‘You’re right. I’m talking crazy. On my brother’s birthday, every kid that didn’t kill my brother gets a gift.’ That’s how we got Santa.” [crowd laughing] My wife is like, “What the fuck did you just tell her?” “The story of Old Saint Nick. Isn’t that how you remember it?” [crowd laughing] This kid… I guarantee you, I’ll get a phone call one night from her, like, “Uh-oh Dad, I think I accidentally joined a cult.” She’s the kid, when you drop her off for college, my wife will give her life advice, and I’ll give her the real life advice to save her life. “All right, here’s the deal. Whatever your mom said’s fine, but this is your dad talking now. When it comes to drugs, just take half. [crowd laughing] Yeah, wait two hours. See if you like it. Take the other half. If your boyfriend wants to blindfold you during sex, that means his roommate’s going to fuck you. Don’t do it.” [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’s what that means, ladies. There’s a lot of girls going, “I think I gotta up my number.” [crowd laughing] My youngest is scary stupid. Like… [groaning] I took her grocery shopping one day, right? We get in the grocery store, and she’s like, “Can I push the cart?” I go, “Yeah, but please be careful where you’re pushing it. Pay attention.” She goes, “Sure thing, Dad.” Forty-five seconds later, she clips a dude in the heels hard as shit. He goes, “Son of a…!” I go, “I am so sorry, sir.” I go, “Ila, what did I just tell you?” She was like, “Sorry.” Frozen food section, she clips a lady in the heels. [sharp voice] “Oh my God!” [his voice] I’m like, “Ma’am, I apologize. Ila, baby! You gotta watch where you’re going!” “Sorry.” Over in the meat section, clips another dude in the heels. “Motherfucker!” I go, “What is wrong with you?” And she goes, “I like the look on their faces. [crowd laughing] Let’s do one more, Dad. I’ll show ya.” I’m like, “Fuck, let’s do that black guy.” I will never say that again. This kid is weird. Keeps her deodorant in the refrigerator. Yeah, name on the cap and on the base, as to not confuse it with all the fucking deodorants in the refrigerator. I said to my wife, “What’s her deodorant doing in there?” She goes, “Well, you know Ila.” I go, “No, apparently, I don’t.” [crowd laughing] Then one morning I’m making coffee. Seven in the morning, Ila comes in, opens refrigerator door on the DL, right? Takes her deodorant out. Takes the top off, swipes her finger across it, rubs it above her lip, cap on, in the door, shuts it, I’m like, “What the fuck was that?” [crowd laughing] She just turns around and goes, “Mind your own business,” and walks away. You cannot smoke weed around this kid. She’ll fuck your day up. One night, all the family goes to sleep at 10:00, I’m like, “Fuck it, I’m gonna be healthy. I’ll eat an edible,” right? [crowd laughing] Eat an edible… about an hour later, I realize I have over-served myself. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there when your brain takes over and starts having independent inquiries within itself that you’re not in control of. You just hear, “Hey, I got a question. Am I supposed to remind you to breathe?” And you’re like, “Huh? [crowd laughing] Are we not breathing right now?” “No, dawg, we’re not breathing at all. And I can’t remember what muscle starts the swallow.” I’m like… [groaning loudly] Go into my bedroom, go to my wife, [crying] “I think I’m fucking dying. I don’t know how to breathe and I can’t swallow. I’m gonna need a blowjob, stat.” [crowd laughing] She’s like, “How about a hand job?” I was like, “Hard pass. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die right next to you. I’ll be cool.” So I lay there, dying silently. Two in the morning, I’m still awake, my door opens. It’s my daughter, Ila. Not who I want to talk to. [crowd laughing] By the way, I’m certain there are some women in here that are getting defensive of her. “Bert, she’s not stupid. She sounds quirky. She’s a fun little kid.” Oh! Let me tell you this little ditty, okay? I go to her softball practice one day. Now, you gotta remember, I live in LA. I don’t live in Philly like you guys. We do things differently out there. The coach is practicing without a ball. [crowd laughing] He doesn’t want to introduce failure this early in the season. [crowd] No! Hey. Hold on! Someone’s gotta make the snowflakes, people. [crowd laughing] He’s got them out there, no ball. [laughing] Are you fucking kidding me? No ball, all in position. [high-pitched voice] “All right, ladies… Runners on first and second! [hitting the ball] Ground ball to Lily.” Lily Fromkin, the third base, fields it perfectly. [crowd laughing] Stands on third, throws it to second, She catches it, throws it to first, “Triple play, girls! Bring it in!” By the way, I’m on the sides going, “First triple play I’ve ever seen.” Then the other part of me is like, “Where’s the fucking ball?” That’s when one of the moms tells me, “Coach doesn’t wanna introduce failure.” I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” My daughter’s in center field. Coach is like, “All right, bases loaded. [hitting ball] Fly ball to Ila!” And I watch my daughter… immediately start backing up, then look over her head and start running. [crowd laughing] Who fails in their own imagination? [crowd laughing and clapping] Everyone’s cheering her on, I’m like, “There’s no fucking ball!” Then I watch her throw her glove, like, “Fuck it,” and walk away from the play. I called my wife immediately. I go, “You are never going to believe what your moron daughter just did.” And we laughed hysterically for a minute, and then my wife stops, she goes, “Yo, don’t make fun of her for this.” I go, “Are you being serious?” She goes, “No, this is her beautiful little brain. I don’t want to break it.” I go, “I think it’s broken. I just watched her not catch nothing.” [crowd laughing] She said, “But if you make fun of her, it’ll shame her, and that’s not what we want. That’s what your dad did. That’s why you drink.” [crowd laughing] I got to drive home with the kid. We’re on the 405, she’s staring out the window like Spicoli. We’re not talking at all. Finally, I’m like, “Fuck it.” “Yo, Ila, what happened with that fly ball?” She doesn’t even look at me. Just stares out the window, smirks, and goes, “Yep, Coach really got a hold of that one.” [crowd laughing] This is the brain of the child walking into my room at two in the morning when I’m higher than senator socks. It’s the best I could do, people. I wrote this so many different ways… “I’m higher than a woodpecker’s dick in a redwood. I’m higher than astronaut pussy.” That’s progressive, right? [crowd laughing] “I’m higher than…” I even got so high to try to write it from that angle, [laughing] but all I could come up with was, “I’m higher than a whale,” ’cause… I thought, “There’s got to be times when a whale’s at the top of the ocean, like, ‘Oh, I’m high as shit right now. [crowd laughing] Oh fuck, I’m so high! I’m higher than senator socks.'” [laughing] Anyway, my point is, it’s two in the morning, she opens the door, I’m higher than Moby Dick. She sees I’m awake, walks up next to my bed and goes… [whispering] “Hey, Dad. [louder] You believe in time travel?” By the way, it’s two in the morning. I’m high as shit, and I really do believe in time travel. [laughing] Part of me’s like, “This is a perfect time to have this conversation!” “Yes, baby. Why?” She goes, “Is it possible… that I could come back from the future to tell myself a secret?” I’m like… [moaning excitedly] “This is how it starts!” I go, “Yes baby, why?” She goes, “That’s all I needed to know. Good night,” and leaves! Leaves! Leaves me spiraling… [crowd laughing] …certain that there’s a 30-year-old version of my daughter in her bedroom going, “What did he say? [roaring] Good to see you again, Ila. I told you so. Listen, we got a busy night. Dad’s gonna die. He’s had too much marijuana. [crowd laughing] We’re gonna save his life. First, I need you to get your deodorant and put in the refrigerator. Time travel smells like shit. We’re going to rub it under our noses.” [crowd laughing and clapping] [crowd continues laughing and cheering] Secret time. [man in crowd] Yeah! The reason she rubs under her nose is because… [laughs] she can’t trust that you’ll wear deodorant. [crowd laughing] So don’t worry about deodorant, guys. Ila’s got you covered. “Why do you keep it in the refrigerator?” She goes, “Ah, it’s refreshing.” And then one morning, I put mine in there before my shower, and came out and, deodorant, not antiperspirant, deodorant. [laughs] And then got out and put it on, I was like, “This feels fucking awesome.” Put it back in the refrigerator. She sees. She goes, “Yo. Big guy. Name on the cap and on the base. Let’s not get them confused.” [laughing] [crowd laughing and cheering] You ever look at your family as a team? And go, “Wow, we suck dick as a team. I thought we’d be stronger than this.” We went zip-lining, the whole family went zip-lining, and we get there and I start looking at other families sizing us up, going, “Shit, those parents look like they do CrossFit.” Then I look at me and my wife, and go, “We look like crossing guards,” and then you start beating your wife up in your head. Not out loud, just in your head. You’re like, “What the fuck you wearing water shoes for? We’re going zip-lining. Where’s the water? With socks! Who wears water shoes and socks? I’m on TV, bitch! Step up your fucking game.” [crowd laughing] My kids look homeless. And they don’t listen to any of the instructions, because apparently the first rule of zip-lining at this place we went was, “When in doubt, spread ’em out.” Now, everyone else heard that as instruction. My daughters hear it and start laughing their brand new tits off. [crowd laughing] Georgia’s like, “Yo, they wanna see our va-jays?” I’m like, “No, that’s not what this is.” Ila’s like, “You gotta know me a while before you see my va-jay.” I’m like, “Who have you shown your va-jay to?” [crowd laughing] Georgia’s like, “That’s our new catch phrase. When in doubt, spread them out!” I’m like, “No, it’s not. I am not sending you to the high school, the old ‘When in doubt spread ’em out,’ girls.” This is how little my children were paying attention. When you go zip-lining, you clip in. That’s how you stay safe. You clip in. Once you clip in, you can’t fall out of the trees, but that’s your spot for the whole day. Ila is paying such little attention, she clips into the middle of a Vietnamese family. [crowd laughing] I see her walk up the stairs with them, and I’m like, “Yo, Tigerlily, where the fuck are you going?” She was like, “Oh, I don’t know these people.” I was like, “No shit.” Enjoy your afternoon with the Tats! They get up to the top, the two Vietnamese parents go, then one of their kids, then it’s Ila’s turn. Guide looks at her, like, “Uh… Are you ready to go?” She goes, “Where?” [crowd laughing] He’s like, “zip-lining.” She’s like, “What’s zip-lining?” He’s like, “Is she serious?” My wife’s like, “She hasn’t been listening at all.” He’s like, “Young lady, do you know what to do?” And she goes, “Oh, yeah. When in doubt, spread ’em out.” Jumps, and is hauling ass through the tree line like a hawk in heat, just… [high-speed sounds] They’re on the other side, like, “Slow down!” She’s like, “No! Coming in hot, bitches!” [crowd laughing] Hits the bumpers, goes up into the rigging, and racks her va-jay… and it gets real, just… [moaning] Treetop to treetop, like Tarzan’s having an orgasm. [moaning] There’s nothing we can do. No one speaks English over there. We gotta wait for Pikachu to go. [crowd laughing] Asian kid gets up, he kills it. Asians always kill it. He’s slowing himself down with one hand. He’s got the other hand free. He caught a dove. He sticks it, then my oldest, Georgia, gets up. Looks over the edge and goes… “Oh, I’m not doing this.” I go, “Yeah, you are.” She goes, “No, it’s too high. Can you have them lower it, Daddy?” I go, “You want them to lower a tree, Johnny Appleseed? You’re dumber than your fucking sister. No, they’re not lowering the tree, Georgia. This is what we signed up for.” She goes, “But I don’t wanna go.” I go, “But there’s 30 people behind us and you’re clipped in front of them. You have to go. This is an analogy for life. Sometimes in life, you’ll make a decision, and you gotta stick with it. I clipped into your mom 14 years ago. [crowd laughing out loud] Take a look at that outfit. [crowd laughing] You think I want to be here with Napoleon Dynamite? No, so man up, Rambo. Your sister’s embedded in Charlie, and we need to extract her.” [crowd laughing and clapping] [crowd cheering] [Bert laughs] The guide looks at me, he goes, “I can just push her.” I go, “Oh, fucking push her.” He pushes her, she goes, she racks her va-jay… [moaning] Then, my wife gets up. Now, in all fairness, my wife has seen two chicks take it to the puss. [crowd laughing] So she slows herself down so much, she doesn’t even make it to the other side. And this is what I’m watching: my wife, 250 feet in the sky, socks, water shoes, Target jean shorts, muffin-topping out of her harness, trying to kick her body… [crowd laughing and clapping] …in the momentum. My daughters are holding their vaginas like two POWs. And I have a moment of clarity where I realize, “This is my SEAL Team Six. Wow, this is how the Kreischers handle adversity.” The guy that’s this yoked out 24-year-old, he’s like, “Don’t worry, I’ll go get her,” slides out to her like a mountaineering pimp. Spins her so they’re facing each other, wraps what my wife’s already deemed as “his aggressive calves” around her hips… and then proceeds to shimmy fuck her… [crowd laughing and cheering] [crowd continues laughing and clapping] …all the way back to us. She wraps her legs around him and is smiling ear to fucking ear! Looks at the group and goes, “Ladies, when in doubt spread ’em out!” [crowd clapping] She’s a good mom. Secret time: one time… One time, I was going down on my wife, and I thought, “I wonder if I wrap my lips around her entirely and just go, “Ho! [singing] Hi-ho!” That would work, right? Don’t ever try to do something you saw on a porn in your bedroom. [laughing] I did this move, I’ve seen it 100 times. Where you, like, hit it from the side, you know? And I’m doing it, and all of a sudden, my wife looks at me, she goes, “Are you trying to show this to someone?” [crowd laughing] I’m like, “Oh, they only do this for the camera angle.” [laughing] Once I saw a porn, it was girl on girl. That’s the holy grail, right? What they’re doing, is they’re– Why am I licking my hand? [crowd laughing] Anyway… They’re down there, and they’re tapping on the top of the key. You know what I’m talking about? Up at the three pointers? Like they’re looking for U-boats, just… [crowd laughing] So I see this sober, try it drunk, big mistake. Four Tito’s in, I go down on my wife, I’m like, “Shit, I got that move.” I hear that voice in my head, though. “Slap that bitch in the pussy, son!” Ping! [moaning] She’s moaning. It must be working. Survey says, “Ping!” [crowd laughing hysterically] She told all our friends. We got these four families we hang out with. We call ourselves “The Campers.” It’s the Grusons, the Fromkins, the Hayslips and the Kreischers. Should call ourselves the Nazis, with those names. It’s fun, you can… Like, we’re all shitty parents… [laughing] …so no one calls each other on their shit. [laughing] One time, we’re in Palm Springs, right? All four families. Oh, it’s perfect. All the kids are the same age. They’re running around on the fairway. All the parents are up by the condo having white wine, so we feel skinny. And then all of a sudden, my oldest, Georgia, comes marching up the hill with a bee in her bonnet, like, “Mom, Dad… Ila’s cursing.” And you can see my wife’s had a couple glasses of wine, she’s like, “A-ha.” I go, “Don’t worry. I’ll parent this.” I go, “Hey, Georgia, how about not being such a fucking snitch? [crowd laughing] That’s your little sister down there. You need to team up with her. You need to have her back. You should be supporting her. You should be cursing with her, like, ‘Fuck it, suck it,’ you know? Light a homeless guy on fire. Whatever kids do.” She looks at all the parents like, “No one’s going to stop this horrible parenting right now?” But my wife’s had two glasses of wine, and she’s like, “Yeah, Take the stick out of your ass, bitch!” [crowd laughing] Georgia looks at all of us, like, “Okay, I guess I’m sorry? I apologize. I just thought you guys would want to know she’s saying the N-word,” and we’re like, “Holy shit!” All of us are like… And I get in front of them, like, “Hold on, maybe she’s singing it. She’s probably just singing it.” Like, you can sing it. You totally can. If you buy the album, you can definitely sing it. You can’t sing it if you’re doing yard work, like, “Oh, I’m the hardest working…” Right? [crowd laughing] [laughing] So… So we go down and we get down there, I’m like, “What the fuck is going on down here?” And Lily Fromkin stands up, she goes, “Max, Carter, and Ila are all saying the N-word.” I’m like, “What, are you recruiting people, Ila?” I go, “Baby, you cannot say that word.” She goes, “Calm down, Dad. I can say it.” I go, “No, you fucking can’t.” She goes, “Actually, Dad, I can. The teacher said you can say it if you are one.” And all the parents like, “You can’t!” I go, “Actually I think that is the rule. I just don’t know how that applies to you and two Jewish kids.” [crowd laughing] And she stands up, looks me in the eyes, and goes, “Dad… I’m a nerd, Max is a nerd, and Carter is a nerd,” and we’re like, “Oh, you think the N-word’s nerd?” And all the kids are like, “Yeah, what do you think it is?” And we’re like, “Oh, it’s nerd. My nerds! It’s nerd.” And we laughed hysterically at just how innocent our kids are, they don’t even know the N-word. How great a parent are we? I put that shit on Facebook! Of course, the whole night, anytime a black guy walked by, I was like, “Nerd alert.” [crowd laughing] The next day, we’re in the Lazy River, me, Eric Gruson, and Stephen Fromkin, and we’re floating behind moms that are younger and hotter than our wives. Just letting them know the tiger’s still got claws. [crowd laughing] [Bert laughs] Georgia comes kicking up on an inner tube, she’s like, “Dad! Ila’s cursing again,” I go, “Baby, I thought we talked about this.” She goes, “Well, I thought you’d wanna know she’s saying the C-word,” and these women are like, “Oh, my God!” I go, “Wait, ladies. We’ve been through this. Georgia, what’s the C-word?” She’s like, “Cunt!” [crowd laughing] Nailed it! That is definitely the C-word. Hasn’t changed, has it, ladies? Whew! That’ll wake you up, huh? I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t parent the situation. And we’re in a Lazy River. These ladies have to keep up with us. So by the time we get to Ila, who’s still saying it at the top of her lungs, like she’s auditioning for a Guy Ritchie movie. Let’s try another line: Like she just worked with Chelsea Handler. Anyway… [laughing out loud] She’s not on Netflix anymore. We’re fine. By the time we get to Ila, who’s still saying it at the top of her lungs, “Ila, you gotta stop saying that word.” She’s like, “Why?” I go, “It’s a horrible word.” She goes, “What’s it mean?” I go, “You don’t even know what it means?” She’s like, “No, I heard someone say it, and it’s a fun word to say.” Me, Eric and Steven are like, “You got that right.” [crowd clapping] She goes, “Dad, what’s it mean?” I’m like, “Huh… Well… let’s go ask Eric’s wife. She’s one. She’ll tell you.” [crowd laughing out loud] [Bert laughs] She is, too. I swear to God. She is. Don’t worry, I cleared this with her. The second I said that, Eric’s like, “If you tell that on stage, I would definitely run that by Lynn.” So that night at dinner, I tell the story and say, “Lynn, I want to tell that on stage, but the end of it…” Lynn Gruson is her name if you wanna google her. [crowd laughing] I go, “At the end of it, I call you the C-word. Would that bother you?” She was like, “No, why would it?” And everyone at the table’s like, “Uh…” [crowd laughing] She goes, “It’s a joke, right?” I was like, “Yeah. [crowd laughing] Yeah, it’s a joke.” I leaned over her husband. I was like, “I feel like the kid from The Sixth Sense. She doesn’t know, does she?” Here’s the amazing part about that night, is we got into a conversation with our wives, and my wife said that the C-word is the N-word for women, and I was like, “You’re wrong.” I go, “Slut’s the N-word for women.” She goes, “No, don’t tell me what my N-word is. It’s C-word.” I go, “So you’re telling me you’d rather be called a slut than a cunt,” and she went, “Yeah.” She goes, “‘Cause I know I’m not a slut,” and I was like, “Okay… [crowd laughing] …then by your math, you definitely are a cunt?” And I learned a very valuable lesson that night. If you call your wife a cunt in public, no matter how hard she tries to stop it, she immediately becomes one. [laughing] She was like, “What did you just call me?” I was like, “It’s happening right now. You guys see this? This is happening.” But here’s the disconnect, is that men find that sexy. Like, men definitely find… Every man in here is like, “I’m with a little hint of cunt.” I think it’s hot. There’s nothing sexier as a man, than to watch your chick flex her cunt. [crowd laughing] When you’re not in the cross hairs, if you know what I mean. Like when a contractor talks down to her ’cause she’s a woman, “You wouldn’t know anything about that, ma’am.” And you’re like, “Oh, bro, you just summoned the cunt. [crowd laughing] This isn’t like Candyman. You just got to say it once.” [in Spanish] “Hey! Look! Come here, please! [in Spanish] A cunt-o here, now! [in Spanish] Look! Cunt-o! Cunt-o.” [crowd clapping] I got to be honest with you. I’m all for this whole conversation that we’re having with men and women, and women talking up and men listening, ’cause I never listened before. I never listen, and now I listen, but sometimes, my family gangs up on me. Like the other night, we’re at dinner, and Georgia says, “You’re a misogynist.” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” LeeAnn’s like, “Actually, we were talking about it. You are.” I go, “Excuse me?” And then Georgia says, “We don’t like the way you talk to Alexa.” [crowd laughing] “Are you kidding me right now?” She goes, “We just think if it was a man, you’d treat it with more respect.” I said, “It’s not a man or a woman. It’s a cylinder I bought, and I’ll throw it in the fucking pool.” And then one night, I get into a fight with Alexa. [laughing] It’s my fault. I’m drunk, right? I’m really drunk, and I’m calling her Siri for like, two hours. [crowd laughing] “Turn on the fucking pool lights!” And then I realize, I’m like, “Alexa!” And the one in the bedroom turns on, [yelling] “Bitch, shut up! I’m not talking to you! Alexa, clean the shit out of your ears and turn on the fucking pool lights!” My wife comes in. She’s like, “Who are you yelling at?” I was like, “No one. Isn’t that right, Alexa?” Alexa’s like, “Yeah, I fell. [crowd laughing and clapping] He’s a good man, LeeAnn. It’s my fault. The pool lights are on, Bert.” If you think about it, though, if Alexa was a man, if Alexa was a black man’s voice, you’d treat it with more respect. [laughs] Dude, let’s talk about black people. Here we go. Don’t worry. We’re gonna be fine. I love black people. I like black people more than anyone in here. ‘Cause I have had an opportunity to do something that none of you white people will ever get, and that is make a room of 400 black people laugh. My favorite thing in the world is making a black guy laugh in public when he doesn’t expect it and doesn’t know I’m a comedian. I made a black guy laugh so hard on the plane I thought I’d killed him. [crowd laughing] We’re sitting on the tarmac before takeoff. We’re both drinking double Jacks on the rocks. I was thinking, “We’re gonna run out of Jack.” [sighs] Secret time: I carry four in my bag at all times. Secret time. [laughing] On the screen in front of us, little factoids are popping up. Little travel factoids like, “Dutch people are the tallest in the world and Dutch women average over 5’7″.” Me and him are taking in the information. We’re not talking, but we’re both looking at the information, like, “Huh…” He’s like, “Oh.” Next factoid comes up: “The average annual rainfall in Phoenix is eight inches.” I touch him on the arm, I go, “That may not seem like a lot to you… [crowd laughing and clapping] …but they got two inches on me, big guy.” [crowd laughing] He was taking a sip, and spit whiskey out of his nose. And then started choking and I was like, “Oh shit, I killed him.” He pulls his shit together, grabs me by the arm, and he goes, “Do that the whole flight.” [crowd laughing] I was like, “You’re sitting next to the right guy.” Any time he took a sip, I’d just lean over and go, “How does someone become an abortion doctor? Huh? Is there really someone in med school thinking, [doubting] ‘Well, I want to work with kids but… [crowd laughing] I wanna meet chicks who fuck, you know?'” Whiskey out the nose. Take a sip, “Hey, do you think on 9/11, someone at corporate 7-Eleven was like, ‘That was close. Missed that by two months. [crowd laughing] That could have been bad for the brand considering our employees…’ Hashtag, inside job.” [crowd laughing] I remember the first time I made black people laugh. I was 13 years old. I want to Rollie Massimino basketball camp at Villanova. [crowd cheering] Yep. [crowd cheering and clapping] This was one of the camps back in the 80s where they’d recruit inner city kids to come play, and then the Big East coaches would scout them, or if you were white, your dad could pay $5,000, and you could go. It’s called “white privilege”. Here’s the important thing about white privilege. Not every white guy has it. Like, he definitely didn’t have it. [crowd laughing] Nor did he, or him with the chest tattoo, or… Not a lot of white privilege in Philly, I’ve noticed. [crowd laughing] If you ever want to experience what it’s like to have white privilege, to be a white male in America, very simple: Rent a jet ski. [crowd laughing] You don’t need a license, instructions, a resume, recommendations. You just get on and fucking kill it. [engine sounds] And if you fuck up and fall, you don’t get hurt. You’re like, “My dad will get me a job in the bank!” [speeding up] So, first day of basketball camp, I go up for a rebound, very first game, and I get knocked unconscious. Apparently white privilege doesn’t go hard in the mother fucking paint. Get taken to Bryn Mawr General, throw up on my dick, it’s a long story. Come back to camp the next day, and Coach Massimino pulls me aside. He goes, “You can’t play. You got a concussion last night. I’m gonna make you sit out between these two young men.” 6’7″, 6’5″, both black dudes. He goes, “They got caught smoking marijuana last night. So you sit in between them, and if they start screwing around, you stop it.” [crowd laughing] I was like, “Bro, you got the wrong guy for the job. Secret time: I threw up on my dick last night.” But here’s what happened. Is because he sat me in between them, everyone at camp thought I got caught smoking weed with them. As if two inner city teenagers, 16, 17 years old, woke up in the middle of the night, and one was like… “Pssst! [deep voice] Ray-Ray. You wanna get high?” [high-pitched voice] “Hell yeah, I wanna get high. You got weed?” “You know I got weed. You got a lighter?” “You know I got a lighter. You wanna wake up this little white kid?” [crowd laughing] “Ray-Ray, you know my three favorite things in the world is basketball, weed, and white kids. Yo, white boy.” “Hey, white boy.” “White boy… [laughing] White boy, you wanna get high?” I was like, “You know I wanna get high.” So by proxy, everyone thought I was cool. -“By proxy”? Yeah. -[woman in crowd] Yes. I do that with words a lot, where I don’t know the meaning, but it sounds right. My wife’s doing that with the word “bukkake” right now. [crowd laughing] “Ah, I got so bukkaked at the Ford dealership.” I was like, “Really? [crowd laughing] Remind me to drop the truck off next time.” So by proxy, I was all of a sudden cool as shit. Now, middle of camp, a guy by the name of Ralph Sampson shows up. For those of you who don’t know, Ralph Sampson was 7’4″. He was the center for the Houston Rockets, who had played at the University of Virginia. All-star, all-pro. Just a badass black dude, 7’4″. Shows up in camp, and he’s like, “Gentlemen… today, I’m here to give you a speech.” We all jump on the gym floor and sit down. He’s like, “I’m going to give you a speech about discipline and how to achieve your goals. Now, first up, who in here parties?” I thought we were all gonna put our hands up. [crowd laughing] But that is not what happened. I put my hand up, and Ralph Sampson looks at me, and he goes, “How do you party?” Valid question for a 13-year-old. I thought he wanted an answer, So I said, “I party hardy.” [crowd laughing] Ralph Sampson’s like, “What did you say?” I thought he didn’t hear me. So I articulated and said it louder, which sounds like I’m barking down a grown man. “I said, ‘I party hardy!'” No one’s laughing, but 6’7″ and 6’5″ are shaking like the dude from Get Out. Just… [shaking mouth sounds] Ralph Sampson’s pissed. He’s supposed to give an hour-long speech, and he just lost the room 13 seconds in to a 13-year-old who parties hardy, and apparently isn’t afraid of giants. [crowd laughing] He walks through the sea of kids, stepping over seven children at a time. Stands over me to intimidate me, and he goes, “How do you party hardy?” Once again, I thought he wanted an answer. So I look past his dick and said… “With both hands.” Now black dudes are losing their minds silently. They’re touching each other, going, “Oh, shit! He says he parties hardy with both hands! To Ralph Sampson!” “Hell yeah! We call him Double Dribble.” [crowd laughs] Ralph Sampson is irate. He stands up me, 6’7″, and 6’5″, and marches us to the front of the camp. Then he takes basketballs and shoves them behind our legs, buckling our knees, and says, “Hold them there.” So now we’re holding basketballs behind our legs. He puts our arms out, and he puts basketballs on our fingertips. And he goes, “You’re gonna stand like that for my whole speech until you realize partying is no way to live your life,” and he proceeds to give his speech. Look… you don’t have to pay for the camp. I’ll tell you what the speech was. Ralph Sampson never learned how to swim. I know what you’re thinking. Don’t think it. [crowd laughing and clapping] One summer, Ralph Sampson’s mom got him swim lessons, and that summer, Ralph made a decision that changed the direction of his life. He decided that summer, “If I don’t mess around with the other stuff that isn’t important in my life, like partying and chasing girls and hanging out with the guys and swimming, then I can achieve my dream, which is playing in the NBA.” So he didn’t learn how to swim, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is in Ralph’s opinion, how he got to the NBA. [laughs] By the way, nowhere in this horseshit speech did he ever slide in, “Oh, and I also grew to the freakish height of 7’4″, ’cause I have a pituitary problem.” Even at 13 years old, I’m calling bullshit on the speech, going, “Who the fuck needs to learn how to swim when you’re 7’4″? Stand up anywhere in the pool, you’re still 14 inches out of the water.” [crowd laughing and clapping] “Polo.” [crowd laughing] And then, in the middle of his speech, he focuses in on me, the obvious swimmer of the three of us. [crowd laughing] And he jumps on me. He goes, “You think you’ll ever have a beer again?” I was just caught off guard, and I was like, “Probably.” [crowd laughing] He’s like, “What?” I go, “If I mow the yard or something.” He’s like, “What?” I go, “If I mow the yard, I might want a beer. I don’t know, man.” He looks at 6’7″, he goes, “You think you’ll ever smoke weed again?” 6’7″ looks at me like, “You mother… Probably.” [crowd laughing] Ralph’s like, “What?” He goes, “If I mow the yard or something.” Now the room is teetering. The fuse has been lit, but the bomb hasn’t gone off yet, and Ralph steps back, looks at the three of us, and goes, “Have you boys learned anything?” 6’7″ and 6’5″ look at me. I look at Ralph, and I go, “You can’t swim.” [crowd laughing] Boom. Boom. Boom. Thank you so much, Philadelphia! [crowd clapping and cheering] Thank you so much, Philadelphia! [crowd cheering] When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia. Here’s how it happened. Thank you so much, Philadelphia! Have a great night! [crowd cheering] [rock music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Iliza Shlesinger: War Paint (2013) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-war-paint-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, Iliza Shlesinger! All right! Dallas, Texas! Thank you. Oh. How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out, y’all. Fantastic. I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes, ma’am. I’m so excited to be here. Not thrilled with getting here. I have to be honest. I fly enough that I feel I have the right to say this. If you work for an airline, I hate you. Okay? I hate you. And I don’t want to hear, “no, my cousin Sheila’s a real sweetheart. She works for southwest.” Fuck your cousin Sheila. All right, your cousin Sheila’s a goddamn bitch. And I’ll tell you something else. The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring. I don’t have an issue… Thank you. I don’t have an issue with flying. My issue is with the boarding of the plane. Has anyone else here ever had the misfortune of being stuck in boarding zone four? Like, that’s when you have a seat… You have a ticket ’cause you’re holding it… But you’re so low on the food chain, it pretty much goes, like, first-class, luggage, terrorists, maybe you. And they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three. And if you don’t fly that airline often enough, you are s.O.L. In terms of getting on that plane ’cause they are boarding groups of people that you didn’t even know you could apply to be part of. We’re gonna start boarding flight 556 to Dallas/Fort Worth. We’re gonna start boarding zone one. These are our first-class passengers, our first members, our gold members, our golden shower members. There you go. Thank you, there you go. Right this way. Our golden eagle members, our eagle face members. If you have an eagle face instead of a person face ’cause you lost your face in some sort of horrible holiday Turkey deep fry accident, you didn’t have enough butt fat to get a nose grafted onto your face, so you had to borrow one from an eagle, so now you have a beak, and you like to eat mice, you can get on the plane. Boarding zone two… These are our silver members, our silver star members, our silver surfer members. If anybody likes comic books, you’re a fuckin’ nerd. You can sit in the back of the plane. Silver hair, if you’re old, hurry the fuck up. Silver spoons, if you like Ricky schroder, ’80s TV shows, you were born really wealthy, you can get on the plane. Silver bullet summer… No, ma’am, you cannot bring your coors light up in this, bitch. Boarding zone three. These are our… These are our copper members, our copper star members, our copper topper members. Is anybody using a Duracell-operated device? I don’t give a shit if it’s a pacemaker. You turn that off for takeoff. Copperhead. If you have a copperhead snake as a pet instead of a normal goddamn pet like a dog or a cat, you’re like, “fuck it, I’m gonna get me a snake. “Yeah, fuck you, dad. I’m not going to law school. “I’m gonna go to art school online “and learn how to draw dragons “and manage a hot topic in my spare time. “I love my snake. “I’m bringing her to Thanksgiving. “Her name is Judy. We’re in snake love. “I love her so much. Don’t touch me, mom.” You get on the plane. And boarding zone four, you can go fuck yourself. Now boarding all zones. I spend a lot of time traveling. Spend a lot of time in hotels. And as a result of it, I watch a lot of TV. And I think the saddest commercial out there has to be the SPCA Sarah McLachlan ad. Seen it? With the fucked up animals? Can I tell you a secret about this commercial? It knows when you’re alone. Do you ever notice it only comes on when you’re by yourself, maybe you’re drunk? You’re vulnerable, right? And what’s crazy is at first, yes, you are sad for the animals. But the longer you watch it, the longer your sadness kind of begins to turn on you, and by the end of it, somehow, you just feel really bad for yourself? You’re sitting there, like, “oh, my God. There’s… that cat doesn’t have a face.” I don’t know. “I’m so sad. “I feel so bad for him. “And I feel so bad for his cat family. And I feel so bad for… Me.” “Oh, God. What am I gonna do? “What should I do? I should… I should… I should get a cat.” So you get a cat. But because he’s from the SPCA, like, let’s be honest, he’s all, like, fucked up and autistic. Just shits everywhere. You’re like, “oh, my God. What did you eat?” Goes through your stuff. He only eats the buttons off your good sweaters. You’re like, “how did you know to go to for the good sweaters? “Why didn’t you go for the crappy sweaters? Why do you have such exquisite taste?” Gotta get rid of him ’cause he’s ruining everything. But what do you do? You can’t kill him because… Because that’s fucking insane, I guess. But you gotta get rid of him. So what do you do? I’m gonna tell you. You put kitty in the car. You drive him to a neighborhood he doesn’t know. You let him out of the car. Don’t worry. The SPCA Will find that cat. I don’t know if you’ve noticed. They’re in the business of secondhand cattery. They find the cat. They clean him off. They update his resume. He gets a job managing, like, a chipotle. He’s fine, all right? So in honor of that commercial, I have a treat for you guys. This is my cat. This is my dog Blanche, and I adopted her. And sometimes when you adopt an animal, you don’t know their back story. So for Blanche, I made one up. In my house, we pretend that Blanche used to be a dog prostitute… Which makes sense, because as you can tell, she’s a little sad behind the eyes… But she clearly has no problem with you staring at her dog vagina. Make it rain. Shake it for the money. So in honor of that commercial, she and I are now going to do our rendition of it for you. Here we go. In the arms of the angel, far away from here, in this dark, cold hotel room, and the end, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah you were pulled… That’s it. That’s it for Blanche. Let’s get serious. My dog is so cute, I want to hurt her. Do you ever get that way? When something is so cute, it makes you angry. I just want to rip its nose and… You ever get that way when something is so cute, you don’t know if you can trust yourself around it? I used to get that way with my Nana. She’s, like, this tall, and you ever hug your grandparent, and you’re, like, “oh, my God, I just wanna push you down the stairs.” You ever feel that way? You ever feel the urge, just, “what if I just…” “Just feel like…” Hypothetically. Sometimes, I get that way around garbage disposals. You ever just put your hand in just to feel the… feel the fear? You reach the other hand over. You don’t touch the switch, but you hover around it? You’re like, “what if I just…” “No!” I don’t do that either. It was just a joke. Sometimes you get that way with cute things, like babies. Sometimes babies are so cute. Sometimes babies are not so cute. But sometimes babies… so cute, you know, fat, little, baby cheek. You just want to rip his cheek off. But you can’t ’cause you won’t be allowed around the baby anymore. That’s for goddamn sure. There was another version of that commercial. What happened was they aired that commercial. And it was such a hit, so many people were adopting pets, so many people were donating money, so many people were going on antidepressants. And they were like, “let’s do another one.” So they tried to recreate the magic of that one. So in this commercial, they play another Sarah McLachlan song, okay? I don’t know the song, but it’s some lesbian chant. That’s happening. And they zoom in on these pictures of these jacked up animals. And at the bottom of the screen, they put a caption of what the animal is thinking? Now, where they got that information, I don’t know. They show a dog, and he’s all no teeth. He’s just awful-looking, like, “nah!” “Where’s my family?” “I don’t know!” They show another dog, and he’s all muddy and gnarly. He’s just, “nah!” “I hope they come back for me.” “Nah! “Dad, you said you was going for cigarettes. “Why? It’s me, spot.” And then, they showed a cat. And this cat was, like, 45 pounds. It… it had one eye. And it turned… do you know him? And it turned around… He turned around in slow motion, and it wasn’t a camera trick. He’s just, like, a 45-pound cat, I guess. He doesn’t have, like, a meeting to rush to. So he’s not… “I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong.” No, that’s where I stopped buying that commercial. There’s no way a cat has remorse. You ever met a cat? There’s no way he’s apologetic. Whatever that cat did to land him in cat jail, he’s not sorry he did it. He’s sorry he got caught. There’s a difference. That cat’s as hard as they come. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s sitting there in his little cat cell. He’s got “meow mix for life” tattooed on his little belly. He’s got a little rat that he’s made his bitch. It’s carving a shiv out of cheese in the corner. He’s got one sharpened cat claw. He’s just running it against the bars, like, “brr. Brr.” Oh, yeah, he’s got one eye. I forgot. “Brr. Brr.” He’s like, “hear me?” “I don’t give a fuck.” “You think I care? “Oh, hell, yeah, I scratched up your curtains. And I’d do it again. Fuck you.” This is a cat paw. That commercial is sad. The commercial that makes me feel the worst about myself, I would have to say, would be the P90X commercials. That commercial always comes on when I’m eating… Which is the worst time for any fitness commercial comes on ’cause it knows when you’re sitting there being a little fatty, eatin’ Graham crackers with your shirt off, watching “Law & Order: SVU.” It knows. And it comes on, and it gets you, you’re just sittin’ there. You’re like, “I’ll never find love. I don’t know. I don’t…” “Do you want to get in shape?” You’re like… And by the way, it’s not asking you if you want to get in regular-person shape. It’s not talking to normal people. It’s talking to, like, Navy seals. It’s talking to crazy people. It’s not asking you if you want to look mediocre when you go to the pool this summer, uh-uh. It’s just for crazy… It’s saying, “hey, faggot, do you want to get in such fucking good shape “so fucking quickly that your arms “and your… And your chest and your back “get too big to fit through normal doorways, “so every time you come through, you smash into the plaster, “and you’re costing your mother thousands of dollars “in drywall damage? “Is that what you want? “Do you want your friends and family to fear you “because you drink horse testosterone “and creatine shakes, and they make you sleep outside? “Is that what you fuckin’ want? “Do you want to get so huge so quickly, “so unnaturally, that all your clothes “shrink on you, and they fit like baby clothes “’cause you’re like the hulk mid-transformation, “and you can’t afford to buy new clothes ’cause you spent all your money on these fucking P90X DVDs?” My question is why? Why would the average guy want to get that jacked that fast? Why? So you can, what, be the strongest manager at the Verizon store? What are you doing with that muscle? You work in sales. You’re not guarding Sparta. It’s fine. “This is smart phone.” I think P90X has a subliminal message that a lot of us are missing ’cause I don’t think they’re talking to regular people. I think the commercial needs to be honest and come clean and say what their product is really meant for. The commercial should sound like this. “Hey, P90X guy here. What’s up? “So did you, like, recently commit a crime, “and you’ve been sentenced to prison, and you have to report there in 90 days, so…” “You figure in the interim, “you’ll just get as huge as possible “for fear of the safety of your butthole? P90X.” Yeah. It’s a prison workout. They’re like, “you can do it from the comfort of your own living room.” That’s ’cause your living room and a jail cell are roughly the same square footage. Do the math. Think about it. “No equipment. No excuses.” No shit there’s no equipment. You’ll get raped with equipment in prison. You can’t have it there. “We here at P90X want you to get creative “with your workout. Fuck your antiques, bro. “Your girlfriend’s gonna break up with you “when you go to jail anyway. “May as well use shit around your house. “Take your dining room table. Cut off the back legs. “Put it at an angle. “Now, you have a bench for incline presses. “P90x. “Go ahead. Grab your old Kenwood speakers. “That’s right. Take ’em off the front lawn. “Use those for weight. “You can take water bottles. Dump that shit out. “Fill ’em up with sand. “Use those for bicep curls “’cause you’re too cheap to buy a shake weight. “You’re gonna get enough of this in prison. P90x.” The problem with P90X is that it works. Like, yes, it will change your body, but only from the neck down. They don’t tell you in the commercial your face stays exactly the same as it was. “Do you want to have the body of a 20-year-old adonis, “but go ahead and keep the face “of a balding, middle-aged accountant? “P90X, disappoint your wife from the chin up on a nightly basis.” These guys at P90X, you want to look hot, just get in shape. I think women in our country have too many options for weight loss to the point of paralysis. There’s so many options. You go on TV, the Internet, women’s magazines. There’s so many, you can’t even make a choice. I was reading a women’s magazine the other day ’cause I wanted to punish myself and just feel awful, and they had all these diet tips. Diet tips for ladies. I saw this one in “cosmo.” They suggested that women, if you’re on a diet, “next time you’re on a diet and you’re hungry, don’t ruin the day…” ’cause your whole day is ruined if you eat a doughnut, by the way. You have to kill yourself immediately. “Don’t ruin the day by grabbing a fried snack. Instead, just grab a handful of almonds.” Just go out… just go and grab a handful of almonds. You ever do this? When you’re hungry, you get a handful of… you don’t do that? You don’t go up to the nearest tree and just giraffe yourself like… “Cindy, I’ll be right there.” Handful of almonds. “Cosmo” says get a handful of almonds. Just go ahead, get a handful of almonds, and get a hand… Why don’t you go fuck yourself with a handful of almonds, “cosmo”? See how full you get off that. I’m a grown woman, not a sugar squirrel. Almonds. Juicing. That’s a big thing. “Why don’t you just juice it? Do you want to just juice? “We should do juices and smoothies. You wanna make a smoothie?” You pronounce smoothie like this ’cause you only need this much of your mouth open to drink it. Smoothie. They want women to do this. Take all your food, juice it down. Go get your carrots. Get your kale. Don’t forget the kale. Get your kale. Get the apples. Put it in the juicer. Go ahead and juice the apple and the celery. Put your hand in the juicer. Juice your hand down. Juice your hand right down to the nub. Make sure you juice all of it. You’ll lose 2 ounces. Drink your hand, there’s lots of nutrients in your hand. “Cosmo” never said to juice your hand. I’m just gonna put that out there. Make a smoothie. Do you have time in the morning to make a smoothie? You have time for this? No? Shocking. You don’t have time in the morning to go out to your own personal botanical garden and cut down a brontosaurus brunch worth of broccoli and asparagus, juice it down to an ounce, so you can shit green for a week? You don’t have time? I love being a stand-up comedian. It’s probably the best job ever. Uh, if I could have any job… If I could have any job, I would be a cat. But that is not something I’m supposed to talk about in public. If I could have any job besides this, I know this sounds weird, but I would be a pharmacist because I would be… Like, I would add something cool to it. I would be, like, a different kind of pharmacist, okay? So I would do it differently, okay? So… so I would look like a pharmacist. I would wear the white coat, ’cause without the white coat, you’re just a drug dealer. I’d wear the white coat, but under it, I would go to, like, a renaissance fair. We have renaissance fairs here? All: Yeah. Yes! Of course we do. Every state’s got white trash. Of course we do. So I’d go to a renaissance fair. And I would go to, like, the witch doctor’s tent. And I would get one of those, like, medieval witch woman belts that has, like, some leather. And it’s got bells and raccoon pelts and a jug for your ale, whatever. And it’d have, like, a jar of pigeon whisperers. I’d have all these things, all the accoutrement of a creepy witch on my belt. And I’d put it under the coat so that when I walked, the coat would flare open, and you’d get glimpses of my medieval trickery under it. Just… And you’d be in line at the pharmacy. And you’d be like, “what’s up with that one pharmacist? “Is she into the dark arts? “Is she a sorceress? Magic with a ‘k’? Does she play “skyrim” alone? What is that?” And I wouldn’t come up to the counter. Instead… instead of a bell that you ring, I would get… I would get a raven. I would stuff a raven. And I would give it a beard. I’d glue on the beard. I would spend my time gluing the beard on, and it would have a beard, and I would sit him on the perch, so when you came up to the counter, you’d have to pull the beard. And then the raven will go… That’s my cue to appear. And then I’d… pfft. Yes? Secretly, I was waiting under the counter to hear the raven. And then… pfft. Yes? I was right there. There’s no magic. I’m right there. Yes, my child? I call you my child ’cause that’s what creepy people do. Yes? And you’d hand me your prescription. And I’d say, “okay, one moment.” And I’d have a hump. Oh, yeah, I have a hump. You gotta have a hump. If you’re gonna be making medicine, you gotta have a hump ’cause the hump says that you’re serious. A hump is your calling card. A hump says, “I’m not out partying. “I’m not out getting drunk. “I’m downstairs in the basement “studying alchemy and… And witchery. “And I’m learning how to turn “newt thoughts into rat eyeballs. “I’m doing things like that. “I’m learning the proper use for an erlenmeyer flask. I’m down there doing these things, okay?” So I have the hump, and then… And then, I’d take your… I’d take your prescription. And… one moment. I have a limp too… ‘Cause the limp comes with the hump, standard. And then I would set to work making your medicine. So I’d be back here, and I would have my back to you. And I’d… I’d have all these sound effects on, like, a keyboard ready, so you would be standing there. And you’d hear like… “Eh, one moment.” And I would also have a closed-circuit TV right here, so I could watch everything in the pharmacy, okay? So you would go to, like, touch something, and I would see you on the TV. And I would just say this, “I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.” But I’m just watching you. And I have… And, like, an hour later, I’d emerge with your medicine in the orange bottle. Like, I didn’t make your shit. I had it ready to go. I was just wasting your time… ‘Cause a hump suggests that I’m making it, so I want you to follow that fantasy. I didn’t… i don’t know how to make medicine out of herbs. I’m not Chinese. So I have it. And I’d come up to the counter. And I’d say… And I’d set it down. And I’d say, “would you like a consultation?” And you’d say, “sure.” And I’d say, “okay.” And I’d hold up your pill to the light. I shouldn’t touch your medicine, but I’m going to. I’d hold it up, and I’d say, “take one!” One, one. And I’d have all the other pharmacists flip the lights on and off to make it… And they’d put lighters up to the sprinklers. And we’d get one of the fog machines left over from our Halloween sale. And pfft, and it would fill the room. And we’d have people wafting it with car mats just to make it go in some sort of circle. “Take one on the seventh solstice of the third vernal equinox.” It’s two different times a year, but it’s just a bit. “Take one in the presence… “presence of a righteous man “with the blood of a virgin. “Also with crackers, so you don’t upset your tummy.” I give it to you, and as you are going to leave, you didn’t even say anything. I’d say, “wait!” I grab you… Grab you with a grabbing hand. What’s a grabbing hand? I’m gonna tell you. You can’t… If you’re gonna grab someone and you want to instill fear in their hearts, you can’t grab with a well-manicured hand with, like, a pretty ring. No one’s gonna be afraid. If I grab you with this hand, you’d be like, “what? That sounds awesome.” It’s got to be creepy, okay? Someone grabs you out of a grave. What does it look like? It’s sinewy. It’s got dirty nails. It’s all “Thriller”-looking. Just nah! Gonna grab him. How do you make a grabbing hand? I’m going to tell you. You put your hand outside your car for two hours a day, so it tans quicker than the rest of you. You take special liver pills that prevent your liver from functioning on this side. So you start to get liver spots all over, okay? Now, you gotta make your fingers creepy. So maybe… so this finger… You’ve got, like, a coke nail on that finger. This one’s got, like… like, a raccoon eyeball for a ring. Maybe this… You don’t need this finger. You cut this one off totally ’cause you lost it… You lost it in the hobbit bore. I don’t care. And then you get a bracelet made of, like, whore gypsy Kardashian hair. You wrap your hand in it. And just as you’re… I pull out my grabbing hand. I have it sheathed. It’s sheathed in a sheath. And, uh… Just as you were leaving, I’d go, “wait!” You’d be, like, “what?” And I’d say, “there’s one more thing.” And I’d pull out a hand of magic dust, which is just sand from the beach aisle in the pharmacy. I’d pull… I’d pull out a hand of dust. And I would just go… “Do you have a cvs card?” I love walking around pharmacies. I love doing that. I can’t… i can’t go to a pharmacy and not spend money. One of the products that creeps me out… They have a product at every pharmacy called “k-y intense.” You seen the commercials for this thing? The commercial for… First of all, the commercial for k-y intense is super offensive. And we will talk about that. In the c… first of all, if you’ve ever used k-y intense, you know that it’s intense because it burns. I will volunteer that. I accidentally used it one time thinking, like, “this is gonna be magical.” And it burned. And I promise you girls don’t want that. In my life, I’ve never been, like, “man, that sex was awesome. “But you know what I wanted to feel, like, right after? Fire.” Of course, they don’t bill it as a burning sensation on TV. They call it “a tingling sensation.” And they try to, like, talk to the girls. They’re like, “ladies, do you want “more pleasure out of your three minutes? Do you want that? Okay.” “Well, k-y intense is great “’cause it’s a tingling sensation for her “and he gets to use his penis. So everybody wins.” But even if it… even if it was a tingling sensation, we live in a society preconditioned to not want tingling. We don’t like tingling. We know that tingling, it means a bad thing is happening. “Hey, everyone, grandma says her arm is tingling.” “Oh, she must be having an orgasm.” “You don’t have to rush her to the hospital. “She’s laying on the ground “with her eyes rolled back in her head. She’s clearly enjoying herself.” Tingling. It’s horrible. You ever hit your funny bone and been, like… “Ahh.” The commercial is awful because it’s two British people. And they’re sitting there having breakfast. And they’re discussing all the sex that they had the night before… ‘Cause they used the k-y intense. But because the brits are very tacit about sexual things, they’re not coming right out and discussing it. They’re speaking in code. And at the bottom of the screen are the subtitles in American so we can understand what they’re saying. So they’re sitting there, and they’re eating. They’re having their… porridge. They’re eating their curds and whey. I don’t care what the brits eat. We won the war, so there. Right? So they’re sitting there. And they’re eating it. And it’s just very quiet. And they’re just… Teeth out to here. And the girl looks at the guy. “Wonderful dessert last night, sire.” She didn’t say “sire.” They don’t talk like that anymore. So she talks, and there’s subtitles. “Wonderful dessert last night.” “Hey! What’d you put on my puss, n i g g a?” And then the guy… Responds in kind. He’s like, “oh, yes, ’twas… “’twas a bit of a new recipe. Hoped you liked it.” “Put some of that k-y shit on my dick, bitch. How you like me now?” And then, the girl is, like, “oh, yes. ‘Twas quite invigorating. Didn’t expect that one.” “You fucking kidding me with that shit? “What’d you put? Ants on your dick? Is this a joke?” “You want to fucking die, motherfucker? “You want to end up on snap? I’ll fucking kill you. This fuckin’ hurt.” Then the guy, like, “oh, yes, “tried a spin on an old recipe. Tried a dash of nutmeg.” And there were no subtitles for that because I think they fucking do use nutmeg. And that’s what makes it burn so much. I know a lot about sex and dating. I know a lot about dating because I watch a lot of dates. That sounds creepy. I host a dating show. So I’ve learned a lot about men and women and their interactions. And one important thing that I’ve learned is that when you like someone and you want to impress them, what do you do? You lie. You have to, because if people knew how weird you were in your off time, no one would have you. A guy says to you, “what do you like to do for fun?” Girls, you can’t be honest. You can’t be honest about that shit. You can’t be honest about what you were doing 10 minutes before you came to the door. You have to lie. “What do you like to do for fun?” You can’t tell him. You can’t be, like, “I really enjoy “choreographing naked cheerleading routines “to old Britney Spears cds. “And then, I Google a bunch of hentai porn, “masturbate, don’t wash my hands, “Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends, “jot down their place of employment for future reference. “And then, I go bake some cookies. “And then, I mouth-kiss my dog and promise her that one day she’ll be my wife.” You can’t say that. Nine times out of ten, a guy asks a girl, “what do you like to do for fun?” The girl’s answer will be, “hiking.” “I love hiking. I do. I do… don’t I? I do. I love hiking.” “I do, hiking’s…” “I love hiking.” “I do. I love it. I love hiking.” “No, you don’t. Stop lying. “You don’t like… really, Stacy? You like hiking? “Where are your trail spikes? Where’s your walking stick? Where’s your lesbian Mountain partner?” You don’t like hiking. You don’t even know what hiking is. Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is, okay? To the average girl, hiking is you wake up whenever you want, you put on lululemon yoga pants ’cause they make your butt look unreasonably good as they should for 800 fucking dollars. And you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hung over you are. That’s hiking. Yeah. I do it too. Promise you this, girls. It’s not a sport if you can drink a Starbucks and have a pita while you’re doing it. “Do you want a piece of pita?” “I’m hiking.” But there’s a method to our madness. There’s a reason women say “hiking.” We say hiking because we think guys like hiking. That’s why we’re doing it. Be outside where the bugs are? No! We think you like that. We’re taught to believe that men are outdoorsy, and rugged, and they like nature. As far as we’re concerned, you’re the closest thing we know to a bear. So we say hiking, hoping to have something in common with you. We honestly say “hiking” hoping that you’ll be, like, “you like hiking? I like hiking. Marry me.” It’s the easiest thing you can say that you do. It’s one of the only outdoor activities that you can lie and say that you do it having never done it before, and then do it and pull it off because it’s walking. You can’t pull that off, you shouldn’t be mating with anyone. You ca… most outdoor activities require a decent amount of skill. For example, you can’t say you like rock climbing if you’ve never been rock climbing. I mean, you can, but I promise you this. You’re gonna go. You’re gonna slip. You’re gonna get your hand caught in a rock. 127 hours later… Stump’s not getting you a second date. I promise you that. I don’t know if girls wanna hear this, but the truth is 90% of the activities that women engage in revolve around getting a guy’s attention, okay? And it’s just the way we’re built biologically. This is just something we do. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it, all right? You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No. I go ’cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year ’cause I like it when my liver hurts? No! I go ’cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at me and want to mate with me. That’s why we do it. This isn’t a fucking game, all right? This isn’t a push-up bra. It’s body armor. And this ain’t makeup, sweetheart. It’s war paint. Let’s make a baby. Girls know exactly what they’re doing. We know exactly what you like, what you don’t like. We do our research when we like a guy. And by research, I mean we Facebook stalk you. We do it. I know your favorite foods. I know where you went on vacation. I know that your favorite team is the cowboys. I know all about that. I’m totally into you. That’s right. They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, kind of. Women are gatherers. We like to gather information about you. And then we hunt you. You think when I bring you home to meet mom on Christmas it’s ’cause I want her to meet you? No, it’s so I can be, like, “mom, look what I caught.” We have to, because guys are kind of passive when it comes to meeting women. Sure, they go out. But girls make a sport of it. My guy friends don’t care. If they had their way, they’d spend every Saturday night with each other… Which is weird… Watching “1000 ways to die,” eating sandwiches, ragging on their one friend that has a huge nut sack for no reason. Like, that’s what they would do. Going out’s very important. You got a real job, your weekend is very important to you, because a weekend represents 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life that you worked so hard for all week. That’s what your weekend is. If you’re a real professional, your weekend starts Thursday at, like, 5:00 P.M. Right? You go to happy hour. Happy hour trickles into, like, nighttime. You’re drinking a little bit ’cause you can go to work a little hung over, right? No one’s doing real work on Friday. Nobody’s working on a Friday. Nobody’s working on a Friday ’cause it’s what? Shabbat. No. Because it’s Friday and nobody cares. You ever been at work, your boss is never gonna be, like, “let’s get in those reports and start brainstorming.” You’re, like, “okay, I’ll be there.” “Oh, you were serious? Okay, little hand job. I’ll be at my desk. That’s fine.” Girls take going out very seriously ’cause that’s our hunting grounds. “Going out. Let’s do it.” “Do you want to do, like, a girls’ night? Do you wanna do that?” Every weekend, I get calls from my girlfriends. “Do you want to do, like, just girls? “Do you want to do, like, a fun girls’ night? Iliza, I’m talking to you. Iliza.” “Do you want to do that? “Do you wanna do, “like, a girls’… We’ll just do… “oh, we’ll all wear, like, fun shoes. “And we’ll all get, like, apis. And then, we’ll do, like, a fun girls’ night.” “Do you wanna do that? “I wanna do a girls’ night. I made an evite for the four of us.” “You didn’t answer.” “‘Cause I’m standing right here.” “You’re such a bitch.” “Let’s do a girls’ night. Let’s do just girls. “No boys. Let’s just all wear wedges and no boys.” “Let’s not do boys, just girls. Just the girls.” I’m like, “why? We hate each other.” Girls hate each other. Esp… she hates you, especially during the day. But when the moon comes up and there’s white wine involved, “oh, my God. Stacy, you look amazing. I fucking love you.” And you notice the drunker you get, the more Spanish you start speaking? “Oh, my God. Mamacita, muy caliente. Whoo!” “Fucking love you, chica.” But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must taketh away from another girlfriend. It’s how we keep balance in the girl universe. “I love you. Can I just tell you?” “I love you, I do. “But you know who I hate? “Becky. “She’s a bitch.” “No, I hate her even though she drove me here and I’m wearing her top.” “Can I just tell you that? “Like, for real, like, I hate her. “Will you not tell her? Do you promise? “Do you… do you prom… You won’t tell her? “Do you pinky swear? “Do you pinky s… Do you pinky swear? “Even though I’m a grown fucking woman “that pays taxes and votes, do you wanna pinky swear?” “This is ironclad. Do you pinky swear? “Okay, come here. No, here, take my hand. “I wanna talk to you. Come here. “No, like, earlier, like… Here, come here, come here. “Like, earlier, she was just, like, being, like, a bitch. “And I was, like, ‘what’s your problem? I don’t even understand.'” “now, she’s like, ‘why are you being, like, so rude? ‘And, like… what, are you, like, bipolar or, like, manic? ‘Like I just freely use these psychological terms “cause I don’t know what I’m talking about.’ “and she was, like, being, like… wait, wait. “Is she looking? “Did she hear me talking about her? “Is she… pretend like we’re not talking about her. “Is she gone? “No, but, like, that’s the thing. “Like, earlier, she was just, like, being, “like, passive-aggressive and, like, crazy. “And, like…” “And I was just, like…” “She was just being, like, a freak. “And she was just, like, disrespecting me. “And, like… no, no, like, when you do it, it’s fine.” “Right? Because we get each other ’cause we’re both pisces.” Which means nothing. “Do you wanna do that? “Do you wanna do a girls night? “Fuck yeah. Why don’t you come over? “‘Us weekly’, Jennifer Aniston, hang out, “‘Love actually” watch a movie, braid our hair, stiff as a board, “light as a feather, have some candy, “have some cake, have some cookies, “have some box wine, have some fucking Martinis, “and a low-fat pizza. Have a goddamn muffin, “have a piece of cake, have a piece of brownie, ‘fifty shades of grey.'” “Sounds great, Cindy. “Can’t wait to be shit-faced on your couch “at 2:00 A.M. with no boy to make out with. “You got ‘grey’s anatomy’ on DVD? Awesome. “Pop it in. Let’s lez out. Where’s your brother?” Yeah. Let’s make that happen. Tired of feeling like a sexual deviant ’cause I just enjoy a little bit of mouth-kissing with my red wine, okay? Look, that’s what most girls want, by the way. We just wanna make out, just a little bit. Right at the beginning when you first meet, they want to make out. That’s what most girls want. “I wanna do some fun shoes, red wine, make out, weiner touch, go to bed.” That’s what we want… When you first meet someone. Look, let’s not get crazy, right? Just make out, and… And then that’s it. Just real quick, in that order. You don’t want to have drunk sex. That’s a whole mess. Drunk sex, there’s emotions, ankle sprains, paper work. There’s, like, a whole thing involved. Girls like making out. It’s a sentiment echoed by almost any girl in any bar on any night. You pick any bar in the country. You find a girl, she’s gonna be drunk, face on sideways, just, like… “I just want to make out with a boy. “I just want to make out with a boy. “I do, I just want to make out with some boy. That’s all I want.” “I do. I’m pretty, right?” “I just want…” “Saved it.” That’s what you hear. You rarely hear a girl talk about having sex with a stranger. I understand it happens. I understand that there’s one-night stands. But rarely does a girl go out with the intention of having sex with a stranger. Rarely do you hear a girl, like, “I just want to, like, go out, and, like, party, “and, like, meet some dude, and go home with him, “and then have sex with him, and then wake up, “and realize I never got his name. “But he’s already gone to the gym. “So I can’t ask him. “So I go over to his coffee table, “and I find a phone bill with his name on it. “And I put it in my pocket, and I go home with the phone bill.” “And I get home to my computer, and I take it out. “I’m like, ‘Brian Williamson. That’s a generic fucking name.’ “So I look up all 90,000 Brian Williamsons on Facebook “until I find the one that resembles him. “And then, I send him a message. “But I have to use bait “’cause I have to make sure he’ll write me back. “So I’m like, ‘I think I’m pregnant.’ “He writes back. ‘J/k, mother fucker.’ ‘but I got you now.’ “Now, we begin the dance of seduction. “Now, I say things, like, ‘I just wanna be friends. ‘You were super fun to have sex with. ‘Let’s just be friends and have sex. ‘Fuck a relationship and oxytocin. ‘I never wanna have a family. Let’s just do what you wanna do.’ he’s into it. So I get your number, right? You hold onto the number until you have an occasion. And then, it’s like St. Patrick’s day. You send out a mass text, but it’s just to one person. You ever do that? Me neither. It was just a joke. It’s the best idea. You find one guy that you like. And you send out a text that’s, like, “hey, everyone.” Make sure you write “everyone” in caps so it’s clear that it’s for, like, a bunch of people. “Hey, everyone, I-o-l.” “Whatever, smiley face, I’m gonna have a party “at Kelly’s bar at 9:00 P.M. Everybody should come, you guys.” Triple “z” so he knows there’s a lot of people in this text. “Okay, see you later.” And then you bring your one friend that has no issue with you ditching her. You go to the bar, and you post up, and you wait until he gets there. He shows up. You’re like, “I guess everybody passed out. It’s just us standing.” And then, you make out. And he’s, like, “you seem like a cool chick.” You’re, like, “I’m the coolest chick. I wanna fucking do it.” And he’s, like, “let’s go out tomorrow night.” You’re like, “yeah, a second date. “It only took me six fucking months. Yeah.” So now, you’re excited ’cause you have a second date. And girls love getting ready for dates. Even though it makes us a little nauseous and all we wanna do is stay home and eat, we love second dates ’cause you got to get ready for your second date. So what do you do? You do your hair, you do your makeup, you shave your big toe. You come to play, right? Gotta make sure your underwear’s cute. Don’t wanna go to Victoria’s secret ’cause that’s a bit too much of a commitment. So where do you go for a cheap bra that’s really cute? Target. They don’t fit, and you’re like, “fuck it. “For $12.50, I’ll wear a bra “made of ceiling insulation and barbed wire. That’s fine.” “It doesn’t fit this boob, “and it makes this nipple fall asleep. But for 12 bucks, I’m good.” You get all excited. You put on makeup. You put on the makeup that you’re okay with sleeping in. All girls have to make this decision ’cause you know you’re not gonna be washing your face because girls are so fucked up that we think, “I’d rather fall asleep, get night zits, “and wake up looking like a melted clown than ever wash my face and show him that I’m a human being.” So you go there. You’re all excited. You get to his house. You guys start drinking. You get so fucking wasted in the first two hours that you have sex for three minutes before he goes completely soft. And the next thing you know, you wake up in your underwear on his couch. You look over, he’s eating noodles, watching Harry Potter. Is this relatable to anyone else? Popular misconception about girls is that we get drunk and we wanna have sex. Here’s the truth. We do. Have a good night. No. We do for, like, the first hour of being drunk, okay? Let’s talk about the first hour of being drunk mostly because many of you are in that hour right now. I call it “the witching hour.” The first hour of being drunk is the best hour of the night because your buzz is fresh. You’re happy. You don’t feel fat. You haven’t cried yet. You’re still somewhat of the self you were when you were sober. You still could ostensibly operate heavy machinery if an emergency were to arise, okay? You’re in that buzz. You’re feeling awesome. Your synapses haven’t been soaked in alcohol. So you’re still alert. You’re feeling awesome. You walk into that bar like you own it. You fucking kick that door open even though it’s a pull-in door. You don’t care. You’re just… Walk in. “Let’s do shots, bitches.” You and your awful friends line up at the bar. Like, “let’s do shots.” You’re doing shots you have no business doing. “Let’s get Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumple Minze, Aftershock. Do you have anything else that tastes like Christmas and vomit?” You start doing them. You’re like, “fuck it. “It’s my bachelorette, 21st birthday, “wedding extravaganza, donkey punch. “I don’t know what this is… Do it.” Shot, shot. “What is that, hand soap? Bubbles. I don’t care. Awesome.” Now, you’re on the dance floor. You’re like, “this is so good.” And you’re feeling so good, right? You’re dancing. You’re all excited ’cause your buzz has just hit you. You’re like, “this is great. I fucking love it.” You’re ambitious about life. You ever plan a workout when you’re drunk? When you’re drunk, you’re, like, “this is when I get in shape. “This is where it starts. Going to start tomorrow.” You try to drag your friends into it. You’re like, “Stacy! Sta… Stacy.” “Do you wanna work out? You dance like an asshole, by the way. I don’t know who dances like this. “Do you wanna work out, like, tomorrow? “Do you wanna do that? “I’m gonna get up early and work out. “Do you wanna go with me? “Do you want to go at, like, 6:00? It’s 5:00 now.” “Do you wanna take a spin class?” “Do you wanna spin? “Do you wanna…” “Do you want… You don’t wanna spin? “You don’t wanna go spinning? “You don’t wanna sit on a stationary bike “and tolerate getting pounded in the rectum for an hour “while some twinked-out spandex queen yells at you “over a shitty remix of U2’s ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ in total darkness?” “You don’t wanna do that?” So you’re feeling good and you’re dancing. You’re like, “I feel so thin. “I’ve never been hotter in my life. I feel so good.” And then, it hits you. You’re like, “oh, my God. I feel so good right now. I feel so awesome and happy. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I wish I could feel this buzz and this happy all the time.” And that’s when you realize that’s how an alcoholic thinks. But you’re, like, “screw it. I’m gonna give it a shot. I’m gonna see just how far I can push being drunk.” So you decide to do shots. And you decide, “these shots aren’t gonna get me ’cause tonight’s the night I outsmart the liquor.” “Not gonna happen tonight ’cause I’m gonna drink water. Going to drink a glass of water with each shot.” And this is your brilliant idea. No one in the thousands of years of people imbibing alcohol has ever thought of this. This is your night, Einstein. It’s your big plan. “I’m gonna do a shot and then have a glass of water, “and then a shot, and then a glass of water. “You can’t buy me a shot now, but thank you. I’m just having water.” “I’m just having…” “I’m just drinking water, but thank you.” Shot and water, but what you don’t realize is that five shots in an hour is still five fucking shots in an hour. You went and drank all that water like a crazy camel. Yeah, good job. Now, you’re bloated. And you have to pee. Way to be. ‘Cause when a girl’s gotta pee, everything has to come to a halt. Every girl’s gotta go with her. “I have to pee. Do you have to pee?” “I can’t go alone. No. “Will you stop what you’re doing and come with me? “I have to pee. Do you have to pee? “I have to pee. I have to go pee.” Can’t go in the bathroom alone. You might not come back. ‘Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937… And her name was Amelia Earhart. It’s a big event. “I have to pee. Come on. Let’s go. “Every girl, let’s go, you girls. “Come on. I have to pee, come on. “Take my hand. Let’s make a chain of whores. Everyone holds hands.” As they walk into the bathroom. For me, when I’m walking through a crowded bar, the amount of aggression I will display toward the other bar patrons is in direct correlation with how many boys I’ve gotten to flirt with. Meaning if I haven’t gotten to talk to any cute guys, mama’s gonna be a little aggressive in her walk to the bathroom, okay? Guys, when they get drunk, sometimes punch walls. I like to mule kick other girls in the shin. It’s totally fine. Every girl’s done this. And you know why we do it? ‘Cause we can get away with it. You can knock into a girl and then be, like, “oops. I didn’t mean that.” Our smile is our jedi mind trick. Just, “these are not the droids you’re looking for.” You ever do that? You ever just check a girl into the boards ’cause you can? You ever just been walking, and just been, like… “I love your shoes. Oops.” Takes you forever, but you finally get through that jungle of people. You get to the bathroom. For those of you that haven’t been in a women’s restroom late night, a women’s restroom late night looks like a scene out of Apocalypse Now. There’s gunfire, explosions, blood everywhere, children, a lot of Vietnamese men, which I never quite understood, like, why they’d be there. You’re with your buddies just trying to get through everything. You go pee. You get to the sink. And then, your night comes to a screeching halt ’cause for the first time in, like, four hours, you get a look at yourself in the mirror. And you see the swamp witch that you’ve become. Ten minutes ago, you thought you looked like Heidi Klum. It turns out you look like Seal. It hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. And you don’t know it’s coming. You’re sitting there talking to your friends. You’re like, “this is awesome. – ” I’m gonna be young forever. – This is…” “No! What? What is this? I was once a great beauty.” “No. What is this?” You go to touch it. It disappears. You’re, like… “Is it a hologram? What is that? I look weird.” One eyeball has migrated here. You look down. You’re just leaking vodka. Now, you don’t wanna hook up with anyone. Now, all you wanna do is eat. I’m a red-blooded American girl. Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you. I’m sorry. I don’t know. Give you a hand job or go get fries? Both are salty. One will give me carpal tunnel. I’ll go with the fries. Every time. A popular misconception about girls is that we don’t like to eat. Girls love to eat. Yeah. We just don’t like to eat in front of a guy that we like. That’s the difference. When you first meet a guy that you like, you can’t eat the way you want to on a date. You can’t. You can’t have that fourth plate of ribs on a date… I found out. Going on a date, society dictates that guys can do what they want and women have to be dainty. So he’s gonna get fries, a burger, half a gazelle, whatever he wants to eat. Girls, you get the menu, what are you ordering? – All: Salad. – Salad. Like hot little robots. Salad. And it’s an excruciating experience ’cause you’re trying to just look pretty the whole time. He’s sitting there enjoying his burger. You’re eating your lettuce. You’re just sitting there going, “ugh.” You’ve abandoned the utensils. You ordered, like, a koala. You may as well eat like one. You’re just, like… He’s talking. You can’t focus ’cause you’re starving, right? He’s yapping. You’re just, like… You finished your lettuce. There’s no more watercress on the plate. You’re just… You pull one… You’re looking at his food. You’re, like, “what’s that over there? Fry.” Talking, talking. You can’t focus. You can’t focus. You’re not getting any nutrients to your brain. You’re just kind of staring out the window, wondering what birds taste like. You’re just, like… You finished your lemon wedge, like, an hour ago. He’s still eating. He’s still talking. And you’re… you’re starting to get cold now. You’re not getting any nutrition into your bloodstream. Your spine is sticking out. You’re shivering. You start… You’re like a lost puppy. You start saying things that you don’t mean. He’s yapping. You start just saying things, like, “I would love to spend the afternoon with your mother. “That sounds great. And no, I totally cared “about that whole replacement refs thing. It really rocked my world as well.” Once you’re in a relationship, you can eat the way you want to. Once he loves you, you can roll out a trough at mealtime. It doesn’t matter. You can put your hands behind your back, county fair pie-eating-contest-style. “I love you. Is that the house cat?” Yeah, you can let it all hang out when he loves you. Then, you can show him how you eat. Once you’re in love, you can show him the 12-foot man-eating lizard you actually are. Your eyes light up red. Vwoom, vwoom. “Let’s get cheesecake.” “Oh, cool, sweetheart. You wanna share a piece of cheesecake?” “Uh-uh.” Tail swipe. “Get your own.” “All right, sweetheart. Dinner’s over. Did you get enough to eat?” I love when they ask that ’cause I’ve always wanted to give this answer. “Did you get enough to eat?” “Uh-uh.” “Why? What else do you want?” “Your soul! Fire!” Can I ask you… Can I ask you a question? Does this tail make my butt look big? Girls love eating. We do. We were the first ones to make it fun. Hello? Apple? Garden of Eden. Mm-hmm. Girls love to eat. I saw a bachelorette party take down a live buffalo at 35 Miles an hour off the freeway. It was magnificent. The girls ran alongside it. Like, “Stacy put your veil over his snout.” You ever tried to get a group of drunk girls to walk from a bar to a restaurant? It’s like herding drunk, retarded sheep. First of all, yes, I love being a woman. We’re amazing. I love Beyonce. But we have no idea where we’re going. Okay? We’re walking around. All we know is that we got little sheep hooves on and we’re freezing because no one brought a jacket. Just walking forever, no clue. “I’m cold. I’m cold.” “Why didn’t you bring a jacket?” “‘Cause I’m in my 20s and I’m stupid.” “I’m cold.” “I have to pee. I’m cold.” “I have to pee. I don’t have solutions. Just more problems.” Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s a little filthy. She has no issue with peeing behind a dumpster. It holds everyone up. You’re all trying to walk and she’s back there. She’s, like… “You guys!” “Wa-a-a-ait.” “Wait, no, make sure nobody’s watching.” You’re sitting there running interference for your friend, like, “don’t look at her sheep vagina. Just mine.” I promise you nobody’s watching. I promise you. I promise you no guy is driving by, like, “ugh, well, tonight really sucks. “And I…” “Whoa.” “Is that a drunk girl peeing on hot garbage?” “That’s awesome.” “Oh, what am I doing? I got to get to the craft store.” Oh. So she’s… she’s done peeing. You’re all wandering. Now, you’re into the second hour. You’re still drunk somehow. You’re cold, you’re hungry, and you… Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that has a poor moral barometer. She’ll get in a car with any guy… As long as it looks warm. And she’ll rationalize why he’s not a rapist based solely on the way that he’s dressed. Every girl’s had to do this, right? You have to make these, like, game-time decisions. You’re, like, “he’s not gonna rape me. He’s wearing nike dunks.” “Guys, come over here.” Your friend goes over to the guy. She bends down like a streetwalker. She’s, like, “hi, what’s your name? “Todd? Oh, that’s a fun name. “That’s a really exotic name. Oh, you’ll give us a ride? Okay, that’s really fun. My name is crystal.” “Nice to meet you. “Hold on a second. You guys! He’s gonna give us a ride.” “He’s gonna give us a ride.” “Do you wanna go with him?” Your friends know better. They’re on the other side of the street huddled together, like, “crystal, get away.” “We’re not… get… he’s not…” Crystal’s stupid, and she’s already… She’s, like, “hold on one second. “Thank you so much. I really like your chin strap. It’s really attractive.” “Hold on one second. Hold on. “Let me… you guys! “He’s gonna give us a ride. “Like, do you wanna just keep walking? Sarah, you’re being a bitch.” “You are… like, we talked about this earlier “when you were in the bathroom. “You’re being… this is, like, what we talked about. “You’re being a… Do you not wanna… “you don’t wanna go with him? “You guy… hold on one second. “Thank you so much. Hold on one… “okay, hold on. Hold on a sec. “You guys, he’s gonna give us… He’s being nice. “Stop it. Stop it. He’s not… he’s not… He’s not gonna rape us.” “He’s not gonna rape us.” You have to whisper the rape part. Just in case that was his intention, you don’t want to offend him ahead of time. God forbid you offend him and he leaves. Oh, no. Then what? “He’s not gonna rape us. He’s wearing skechers.” That’s fair. Now, you’re into hour three. You didn’t take the ride from chin strap. So you’re walking. You’re cold. No one knows where they’re going ’cause you’re all relying on girl GPS. For those of you that don’t know, girl GPS pretty much consists of one girl doing this: “Um…” “I feel like it’s this way.” Girls, when you get drunk, who are you most likely to pick a fight with? Your boyfriend. Do you wanna know why? ‘Cause you know he’s not gonna hit you back. Every girl in here knows that your boyfriend will take a healthy dose of your drunk ranting. Why? ‘Cause at the end of the night when you’re all tuckered out, he’s gonna want to mouth-kiss you and touch your snootch, that’s why. I hate to tell you it’s why they do everything. It’s why they put up with your attitude. It’s why they buy you expensive drinks. It’s why they let you make them turn the game off so you can show them what you did on pinterest. Okay? For snootches. “Steve, come here. Come look at this. “No, like, off. Like, turn it off. “Don’t p… Just, like, shut it off. “I wanna show you something. Come here. Come here. Come here.” “Look, look what I have. Look what I pinned. “Look at this. It’s an entire wedding made of cheese.” “It can be our wedding.” “Steven?” I call it a “snootch” ’cause I don’t like the word “vagina.” No one says “vagina.” Like, no one says that. That’s weird. No one here has ever been hooking up with someone and been, like, “this feels great. Continue to touch my vagina.” Vagina? What? A vagina sounds like an Indian casino. “This weekend at vagina…” “Wayne Newton at vagina.” I made up “snootch” ’cause it’s so cute-sounding. Snootch. Snootch. Maybe it would be, like, a cartoon character. Maybe it would be, like, a cute, tiny, furry… obviously… character. It’s got a little top hat. And maybe before you have sex, you have to summon snootch so he can bless the whole thing. Yeah, that’s what you have to do. You’re having… You’re about to have sex. You have to get out a snootch flute which you have to preorder. You have to order them online. It’s a… it’s a dot-gov site. You pull it out. You’re, like, “you ready to have sex?” “Sure, let’s… let’s… Let’s summon snootch.” “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Snootch!” “Hi, folks.” “Hi, snootch. “We were just about to have sex. Do we have your blessing?” “Well, you surely do. “It was nice meeting both of you, “but I better be on my way. “Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Snootch!” So cute. I made up “snootch” ’cause I don’t like the p-word. I don’t like saying it. It’s not a lady word. Pussy. If I got to say it, there’s gonna be an involuntary facial spasm that comes with it. You should know that. I will ruin any sort of moment we have going in the bedroom. “All right, babe. This is great. Tell me where you want me to put it.” “I’ll say it, but you’re not gonna like it.” “Come on. Where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “I can’t.” “What’d you say?” “Nothing. I’m fine, I’m fine.” “All right. Let’s do this.” “Great.” “All right, come on. “Let’s get back to it. All right, where do you want me to put it?” “Why don’t you put it in my pussy!” “No!” It’s not a lady word. Ladies don’t say that word. Like, growing up, did your mom ever say, “pussy, you need to shower?” No, she didn’t, right? No, and if she did, then your mom was white trash. It’s not a lady word. It’s not a word that women hear independent of men. Most women don’t hear that word, like, in professional ether. No woman’s laying there at the gynecologist. Doctor walks in, he’s, like… “What’s up?” “How’s it hangin’? All right, let’s see. Pussy checks out all right.” “Great tits, by the way. Good hustle. Get outta here.” It’s… it’s a guy word. I don’t care that guys say it. Boys are gross, and that’s why we love them, okay? But that’s a guy thing. That’s what guys say in the locker rooms with… with… With all their grossness. I’d imagine they go to the locker room after a rousing game of touch softball, and they talk about the p-word. “Hey, what’s up? What’s up, bro? “What’s up? Did you get any… Did you get any pussy last night?” “Yeah, a whole bucket.” I don’t know how you quantify it. I don’t know if it goes bucket, mug, ramekin. I don’t know. But that’s what guys do in the locker rooms with the butt slaps and the sword fighting. That’s what they do. We know about that. We know you do weird things with each other with your wieners ’cause you do weird things with us, and you’re trying to impress us. So I can only imagine what creepiness goes on behind closed doors. I’ve seen it firsthand. Every girl has. Every girl’s had that boyfriend where you’re sitting on the bed in your target underwear waiting. He comes out of the bathroom naked except for a t-shirt. No bottoms, Donald ducking it the whole way. He’s got this grin on his face. And he’s just, like, “hey, babe. Babe, check this out.” Why are you doing that? On behalf of all women, why? It’s never gonna change a girl’s mind, ever. You are not helping yourself. No woman, I promise you, ever… You’re sitting there doing that like a circus monkey, no girl is gonna turn around, like… “My, my, my.” “You know what’s crazy? “Um… “I didn’t want to have sex with you before. “But now… “Now that you’ve displayed the agility…” “Of your flaccid penis… “As it slaps in rhythmic repetition… “Against either one “of your clearly never-seen-by-the-sun thighs, now, snootch time.” In closing, I would… In closing, I would like to give the girls in this room a bit of advice, okay? I have a tip for you, but just the tip. Ladies, never order a lobster on a date. The lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu, okay? So just know that if you order and consume a lobster, you have to touch your date’s weiner. You have to, okay? It’s like a sexual contract from the sea. It’s binding. Now, keep in mind he wants you to get the lobster. He’s not gonna make you get it, but he’s hoping you’ll come to that conclusion on your own. He’s hoping you’ll be flipping through the menu, and you’ll be, like, “I don’t know what to get. “Like, I’m just… i don’t know. I’m eating fresh this week. “I’m eating a lot of fresh things. “That’s my new thing, fresh. I’m just gonna do fresh food.” “Lobster? “Should I… should I get it? Should I get it? “Should I get the lobster? “Should I crack it open on my head like an otter, “eat it off my chest? Lobster?” “Yeah, ’cause then, it’s weiner time this Sunday at vagina.” Here’s how it’s gonna go down, okay? You’re gonna be making out later. And now, guys, this is for you to know. Just so you know, as girls, we like to make out with you when we first meet you. We like to make out with you a couple times and then leave right when you think we’re gonna sleep with you, okay? We do it to make sure that you like us. But if you want to know the truth, they teach us this shit in high school. While you were off building a birdhouse in shop class, we were off learning how to be annoying. Here’s how it happens. You’re gonna be making out. And you’ll notice that when a girl makes out with you and leaves you, we always leave in a very sweet way because we want you to have a nice impression of us for later, right? So it’s always, like, “okay, well, I gotta go. Bye.” No, you didn’t. No. “Bye. I love you too. Stop it.” It’s always very sweet, right? I’ve gone as far as to sometimes bring a little thing of vanilla body spray. And when he gets up to go to the bathroom, I spray it on his pillow. That way, later, when he texts me, he’s like, “oh, my God. My pillow still smells like you.” I’m like, “that’s amazing.” “I don’t know why.” You can get creative with it. You can take a handful of glitter on your date. And then after you’re leaving, just be, like, “okay, I gotta go.” “Bye.” You can bring a smoke bomb… And then, like, still be standing there ’cause you don’t know magic. Girls always leave in a sweet way. We never leave in a huff. It’s never, like, “well, I got mine. Eat my shit later, fuck-tard.” Never doing that. So we’re gonna be making out later. And here’s how it’s gonna go. We’re gonna be making out, okay? So this is making out, okay? I’m 12, this is what making out looks like. And the guy’s gonna be, like, “oh, I like making out with you so much.” “I like making out with you.” “Tonight was so fun.” “It was really fun.” “You’re so hot.” “I know.” “This is so fun. I really like you. You’re so pretty.” “I know, this is great. I am pretty.” “Oh, I like you a lot. So you wanna keep going?” Girls, that’s your cue. “All right, well, I gotta go.” “What?” “I gotta go, bye.” “Later.” And the guy is gonna try to get you to stay, right? As he should. You can’t just walk out of a spider’s web. “You’re really gonna go? Come on. Come on. “Amber. You really gonna go? You really gonna go?” “Really gonna go?” “Really just go? You’re just gonna go? Huh?” “You’re just gonna leave it like this?” “I’m sorry. “Were we in the middle of open heart surgery? “I’m pretty sure you’re fine. “Yeah. “I’m not a doctor per se, but I’m fairly confident “that blood will return to your system. Walk it off, champ.” That might sound harsh, but it took ten years of me dating to learn that a boner isn’t a medical condition. So I’m paying you back right now. Now, he’s pissed, mostly because he has a raging erection and you called him “champ.” Now, he’s mad. “Really? You’re gonna go? That’s messed up. That’s messed up!” “It’s messed up, Amber. You’re just gonna go. “Let me… Just gonna go? “It’s funny. It’s funny. “You’re just gonna go ’cause, uh… Huh. I distinctly remember I bought you a lobster.” The man’s right. Time to pay the Piper. Girls, you do not have to sleep with him. It’s just a crustacean. That’s ridiculous, all right? But you got to give him something. I-I suggest a beej. That’s what I suggest. That’s proper. Don’t do a hand job. That’s ridiculous. That’s child’s play. Hand job? A handy? Really? As a grown woman, you’re not doing a hand job, okay? If you voted, you’re not doing a hand job. Let’s send some hand jobs overseas to China. Not doing a hand job. A hand job, who does… That’s what kids do when you’re, like, a teenager. You do a hand job. You put on your promise ring. You revel in your virginity for the next 10 to 15 years depending on your involvement with comic books. That’s what a hand job is for. As an adult, it’s not happening. It’s an intermediary step in a sexual evolution that you’ve evolved past, okay? It’s like a tail… Necessary at one point for balance, but if you busted it out at a house party, people would be, like, weirded out. I was out with a guy one time who I wasn’t even into. I didn’t want to do anything. And he didn’t buy me a lobster. And I was… I explained everything. And after talking to him, he’s like, “I’d like a hand job.” “I think it sounds great.” And I guess I was frustrated ’cause he hadn’t been listening to me or my feelings. And I was like, “all right. “I’ll tell you what, son. “I’m gonna give you a hand job. But it’s gonna be on my terms.” “45 minutes long…” “No lotion…” “And you don’t break eye contact. Go!” What kills me is that you get that I’m kidding. He did not. I swear to God he goes, “aw, no lotion?” “That doesn’t sound fun.” Like the 45-minute part is tolerable? “Iliza, come on. You gotta do something. You gotta give me lotion or do something cute.” It threw me off that he said “cute” because that’s not an adjective I believe belongs anywhere near an h.J. It sounded creepy in a way. I was like, “what do you mean ‘cute’? “What… what’s cute? What do you want? What do you want, kitten paws?” It’s probably how that one cat lost his eye. You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for coming out.

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Iliza Shlesinger: Freezing Hot (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-freezing-hot-transcript/

We’re in Denver. I have what I’m hoping is altitude sickness and not some, like, weird form of meningitis. They keep telling me it’s not meningitis, but they don’t know. We’ve got an amazing crowd. All the tickets are gone, which is great. All fans. People who are coming to my show should expect a healthy dose of very honest, hilarious, aggressive comedy. The special’s called Freezing Hot, so the set is freezing hot. There’s a big old explosion in the background, palm trees and snow, and then there’s a surprise at the end: my girl Blanche. When I first started traveling, I decided to get her so I’d have someone to be with me on the road, and fans like her. Come here! Okay, thank you. We have to go make an hour special. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Iliza Shlesinger! Thank you! Denver! I picked… I picked this city. I picked this city as my favorite city to do comedy in, for this special. Thank you. Thought it was gonna be a lot colder. Really did. I always feel like weather is something you can use to ingratiate yourself toward other girls. Guys have sports, when they meet: “What’s up, bro? You see 30 for 30?” “Fuckin’ right, I did. Yeah.” With girls, it’s not fashion or anything else, it’s the weather. It’s like, “Oh, my God, it was so hot. Like, earlier.” And then the other girl’s like, “It was so hot! I noticed that, I feel. I love it when it’s hot, but not too hot. Do you know what I’m talking about?” “I know what you’re saying. Like, I totally get it. But not too hot. But I also like it when it’s cold.” “Me too, but not too cold, no. If it’s too cold, it’s like, brrr.” I like to talk about the weather. But the weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather, girls always have an issue with deciding what outer layer we should wear. We always defer to the guy. Like, “Babe! Should I do a jacket? Jacket? A short one? A long one? You’re not looking? Okay. If I should do a jacket. For the… Are we going to the thing? Do a jacket? Should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Will you just pause Halo for two seconds? Thanks. Jacket… should I do it? Should I do a jacket? Not a jacket. Should I just do, like, four scarves and no pants? Seems counterintuitive. Do a jacket? Jacket? Jacket? Jacket?” Finally her boyfriend’s like, “Yeah, bring a fuckin’ jacket!” And you’re like, “I don’t want to bring a jacket!” – “Why not?” – “‘Cause then I have to carry it!” Girls hate the idea of carrying a jacket. “It’s too heavy!” The female body is capable of carrying a human being… for nine months, but apparently a lightweight jacket stuffed with feathers is where we draw the line. “Should I bring a jacket?” In your 20s, you never bring a jacket. Some of you are in your 20s, so remember, like, yesterday? Do it. In your 20s, you never brought a jacket. You’re invincible and a little stupid. “I don’t need one.” That’s why it’s so funny for those over 30 to watch 20-year-olds at, like, 2:00 a.m., like, braving the cold. Shivering. Doing this shit with their dresses. Like, pulling it down. All those shoes cracking under the pressure. “My dress won’t…” “You’re not wearing a dress! It’s a tube sock!” You always rationalize it. “It’s not that far from the car to the bar.” In your 20s, you risk that icy walk for the glory of not having to wear a jacket. You have no problem with that two-minute walk. Not every girl makes it. I’ve lost many a hot Amber to that walk. You’re like, “Where’s Amber?” Amber’s frozen. Like, “Go! Order a lemon drop and toast to my memory!” It’s the worst when you’re cold, you can’t find your car. If you’re with a group of girls, resign yourself to the fact you’re probably not going to find your car. Even if you’re brilliant, there’s something in the genetic makeup of women that disables us from remembering where the car is parked. It’s rare that a woman parks the car and is like, “Boop! Okay, I’m in spot 4-F. Let me remember that. Let me be responsible for my choices in this life. Something disengages and takes over, and we’re just like, “Boop! What’s this?” And then we just, like, wake up in a Sephora. Always bring at least one guy. There’s something in the male makeup. Men always find the car. They throw down breadcrumbs, Hansel and Gretel-style. Maybe they’ve got a tracking device in their junk. I don’t know. Like, ping, ping, ping! He may not even find your car. He will find you a car, and you’ll get in it. Guys, I’ll tell you a secret: We don’t want to look for the car. It’s boring. If I do a scan and I don’t see it, I’m like, “Someone stole it!” That’s always the go-to. “Stole it!” Sometimes we’ll act like we’re stressed, even if we’re not. That’s our go-to. Women have been told they’re feebleminded. Once in a while, we’ll play into it to our advantage. “I don’t know where the car is, okay? I’m sorry! You’re perfect! And I don’t know where the car is. I don’t even… I don’t know where the car is, okay? I’m trying, okay? I’m stressed out because I’m working, like, ten hours a week. And I’m like… There’s the car. Thank you, Officer, we found it. Like your jacket.” Girls always defer to the guy when it comes to weather questions. Every girl’s done this, where you wake up in the morning, next to your husband, your boyfriend, or whatever Dairy Queen manager Tinder has set you up with. 8:00 a.m., first thing out of your mouth, you’re like, “Babe… is it cold outside?” And your boyfriend wants to be there for you. He’s like, “I don’t know ’cause I’m inside.” “It’s chilly. Chilly.” Girls hate being cold. We hate it. Girls don’t like to be chilly. Guys, don’t let your date get cold. We’re not happy when we’re cold. “Come here, babe. I gonna warm you up.” “Don’t fucking touch me. It’s not what I want.” Girls don’t want to have sex when they’re cold. In my life, I’ve never been like, “Oh, my God, I’m so cold, I just wish I had somebody to fuck!” It doesn’t really happen. We don’t get horny when we get cold. It sends a message to our brain: Time to go home. Time to hibernate. Time to watch a show on TLC about a 600-pound woman eating herself to death. That’s what we want to do. “Cold!” Don’t let your date get cold. We’re not happy when we’re cold. The body language for “I’m cold” and “I’m fucking pissed at you” is the same body language. Girls don’t like being cold… but we love cold weather. That’s girl logic for you. Everything’s a contradiction wrapped in a bow. “It gets pretty. Glitter.” It’s the same thought process that’s like, “I’m gonna wear tight pants, but don’t you look at my butt!” “I am so cold, I’m sweating. It is freezing hot in here. I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel.” All girls love fall. I don’t know if you know that. All girls are required to love fall. Yeah. Required. That’s right. When we applied to be girls… went to the girl counter. They hold your girl card up. “What’s your favorite season?” And you go, “It’s fall, motherfucker.” And they’re like, “All right. Here’s your girl card, your uggs, your glitter. Go have fun, be insecure.” That’s what being a girl is. Girls love fall so much, I’ve been planning this fall since July… of, like… of, like, two years ago. We fucking get into fall. You don’t even have to tell girls when it’s fall. We know. Oh, we sense it. We get into it. The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere in, like, Connecticut, we feel it. Sit at home, watching TV. Outside the temperature drops from, like, 86 to 63. We pop out of the ground like gophers. We sense that fall is here. Watching TV, fall comes, we’re just like… – “Did you feel that?” – “It was a breeze.” “- Fuck yeah! Cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves… – pumpkin everything! Pumpkin! Eat the pumpkins! Let’s plan fall shit!” You drag your boyfriend by the teeth. “Let’s go! We’re doing fall shit! We’re going apple-picking!” “Babe, there’s no apple orchards in Los Angeles.” “Fine. I’m going to the grocery store and throw apples at children. Something!” We go on Pinterest, start pinning fall ideas. Leaves, that’s a fun thing we like to fuck with. Every year the leaves change color, and we lose our shit. Every… “Did you see the leaves? Oh, my God! Last week they were green, and now they’re brown!” They’re not brown. They’re fuckin’ dead, you sicko! They’re fuckin’ dead, and you’re doing crafts with their corpses. Have you no respect for nature? That was a living thing, you monster! “What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?” “I’m gonna make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death. What are you gonna do with your dead leaves?” “I’m gonna make a wreath on the front door as a warning to other dead leaves not to fuck with me!” – “Did you just eat a leaf?” – “I did.” Pin pin pin. We love Pinterest. All girls love Pinterest. Anyone? Yes! Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love it. We love planning things on Pinterest. Lot of girls plan weddings on Pinterest. One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine’s Day. And, joking, I was like, “Oh, my God, that’s so fun. What was your theme?” Dead serious, she was like, “We did, like, love, but, like, under the stars… under the sea. So…” I was like, “Okay, it’s a wedding, not a prom.” I tell you what, Denver, if and when I get married, I’m gonna get married the day after Valentine’s Day, and my theme is going to be “75 percent off chocolate.” Right? Yeah! ‘Cause it’s my day! Guys, any of you that are engaged, your fiancee has already planned your entire wedding on Pinterest. She’s planned your wedding, future vacations, your fucking funeral. It’s on Pinterest. And we don’t do it when you’re looking, no, ’cause if you saw how creepy we got with Pinterest, you wouldn’t have us. We do it under the cloak of night. We wait. We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in. We log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen, Pinterest for girls is like Call of Duty for guys. I got a fuckin’ headset on, talkin’ shit to 14-year-olds in Michigan. First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum. Like, “He’s mine! Ha ha!” Pin pin pin pin pin. You get into these creative downward spirals, pinning and pinning. Am I looking at porn? Pin pin pin pin pin. I’m not even sure at this point. Natural water birth? Why am I pinning that? Pin pin pin pin pin. Looking outside six hours, seven hours, 24 hours later. – Open the mini blinds. – It’s sunny outside! Keep pinning for the glory! Babe! I want to show you what I’m pinning for my wedding… our wedding. Oops. Ha ha! Come in here. I want to show you. I have all these fun ideas. We should do a chocolate waterfall. Instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaid’s tears. I think it’s fair. It’s only fair. I want to show this to you. Come in here, Brian, Ryan… Who gives a shit what your name is? I’m getting married. I want to show this to you. Do you like the pink napkins or the red napkins? I think there’s a difference. I’m so stressed out, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know. Do you think I’m pretty? I don’t know. I don’t know what the theme should be. You know what the theme should be? That your mom’s a bitch, that’s what the theme should be. This is so hard, but I want to do it anyway, because I love you so much, and it’s gonna be amazing! I can do it, man. I’m gonna be on all these ideas. We should do a swan. We should do a dove. We should do a swan made of doves. Babe, will you Google Human Centipede, but for doves, and see if we can sew them together ATM-style? Yes, I know what “ATM” is, I’ve seen your porn. I love you anyway. # Dum dum da-dum, I’m getting married before my sister # I want to show this to you. What? Yes, I’m wearing a diaper! I’m not getting up. I want to show this. It’s going to be amazing. Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Babe! Is it cold outside? Pin pin pin pin. Girls get cold easily because we’re not allowed to eat as much as we want in one sitting. Trying to get another girl to admit she’s hungry, it’s like a standoff. You can’t admit you’re hungry. That’s admitting weakness, defeat. “Are you hungry? Me neither. So…” – “Are you hungry?” – “No, I ate last week, so…” “I could do this all day. I’m chewing my on tongue. It feels good enough.” Eventually one, usually the smaller one, will concede. “I’ll… if you’re… I’ll go with you. If you’re hungry, I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you. I’ll go with you.” Subtext: I’ll watch you get fat. “I’ll go with you. I’ll have, like, a bite. Whatever you get, I’ll have a bite. I’m easy. I eat everything, except for nothing, so… I eat nothing except for everything. I don’t understand what I’m saying either. I’m so fucking hungry. Please, let’s go have a bite. A bite of a bite. Do you want to get tapas?” One girl always throws tapas out there. “Do you want to do tapas? What are they? They’re small plates. You do, like, five to ten per person. It runs you about 100 bucks each. Totally worth it. Yeah.” Girls love anything small, not filling, and expensive. We would eat diamonds if we could. “They’re tapas. They’re small plates. It’s Spanish. What Spanish? It’s, like, their Spanish, not the country below the United States. It’s a different Spanish. It’s got a fucked-up ‘th.’ I went to Spain for two days when I was 16, so I’m cultured, okay? They’re small plates. Platito. They’re so small, it’s like a Frisbee for a rat. Like, small plates. It’s like a monocle for an amoeba. Just, like, really small. One time I ate the plate, on accident. That was pretty horrific. Small plates.” It’s an absolute joke. I don’t like anything about it. Comes on a wooden block, like you’re eating lunch at Home Depot. Some guy, with his bare hands, balls up some ham in the corner and then throws some shards of manchego cheese and some haphazard drizzle of honey so you can eat like an Andalusian farmer taking a lunch break in a field in 1830 for, like, a hundred bucks. Cool. “Small plates.” One friend gets annoyed you don’t want her suggestion. “You don’t want tapas? Fine. Just trying to accommodate the group.” Guys don’t ever get tapas. It’s a girl food. “You wanna get tapas?” It’s never dudes. “Now, look, bro! Wanna get tapas? We’ll go after fantasy draft. You wanna do tapas? We’ll get one meatball, split it with four dudes, no homo.” “You don’t like my suggestion? What do you want? Do you want to do a flatbread? You want to do a flaahbread? What is it? It’s like a thin crust pizza, but, like, annoying.” It’s always the one girl in the group that suggests the flatbread. “Do you guys want to do it for everyone, a flatbread?” She’s the one suggesting it. She’s the one that got everyone together. She’s the one that printed the Groupon. Her name is usually something like Amanda. “You want flatbread? Do you? You do? Not eating? Don’t do gluten? Not doing dairy? You don’t do fun? Sleeping? That’s weird. We’re in public. Do you want flatbread? Ask her. Does she want flatbread? I can’t. My phone’s dead. I can’t text her. Ask her if she wants flat… Do you want flatbread? I’m asking if you want a… Aflac! Do you want flaahbread? Ask Cynnamon with a Y if she wants flatbread. Then tell Kinnamon with a K her name is not phonetically sound. Okay. I’m gonna do the ordering. Hi! We’re in a rush because we’re entitled. Um… Wanna do one flatbread for the 40 of us, yeah? She’s not eating, she’s gonna have a bite, doesn’t do dairy, doesn’t do gluten, she doesn’t know what gluten is, but feels like she doesn’t do it this week. And we’re gonna do… What do you guys want to drink? No, don’t order your own. We’re just gonna do a trough of white wine. Yeah? How do you want to drink it? You’re being annoying. Stop. No, we don’t need glasses. We’re just gonna drink it with our hands! What do you guys want to get on it? Let’s just go crazy. Let’s do half goat cheese, half air. Thank you! Flaahbread!” Went on a date recently. Uh… I made a real effort in my 30s. I’m 31. Made a real effort to try to date normal guys. When you’re in your 20s, you can date whoever you want. You’ll live forever, you’re hot, you’re in your 20s. “Wanna go out? We’re both carbon-based. Let’s do it.” And it’s, like, fine. Tried to make responsible choices in my 30s. Recently I went out with someone based on the way he was dressed. – He was an accountant. – But, okay. I’ll carry the conversation. That’s fine. He had a plaid shirt, tucked into khakis. Okay. All right. Little nerdling. That’s okay. Cell phone in a holster on his hip. Dad-style. To the dads in the audience and subsequently watching this, what text is coming in so fast you have to have your hand ready O.K. Corral-style? And then what are you sending out so fast that it’s rendering your cellular device smoking, and you’ve got to holster it? The point is, he was dressed responsibly. Nonthreatening. Nice, like an adult. I knew I had to respond in kind. I couldn’t dress like a 19-year-old lesbian Hot Topic manager. I get it. Made a real effort, folks. I made a real effort. Asked my girlfriends that are in their mid-30s… dating awhile, very mature, right? “What should I wear?” “You need to get… like, a silk blouse. So, just wear it and, like, cover that shit up and just tuck it in, blouse it out, silk blouse.” I’m here to say right now, I reject a silk blouse. Fuck a silk blouse, okay? Yes! Just because you’re not 20 doesn’t mean you have to be ashamed of your body. I don’t need to wear a tent over it, okay? They’re burkas for American women. I said it and I meant it. All right? They’re oppressive, ugly, hot, shapeless, and if you wear an underwire bra under your silk blouse and you sweat through it, it’s gonna look like a face with its eyes closed. Fuck a silk blouse. But I bought one anyway. I’ll be like, whatever. Went to a nice store. Made a real effort. I went to a Nordstrom…’s. I asked the sales girl… she was 19, and just hot. – “I need a silk blouse.” – “What about this one?” It was white. It had black splotches all over it. She was like, “It’s abstract.” I was like, “Yeah, like a Rorschach test, but less interesting.” She’s like, “I don’t get it.” I’m like, “That’s ’cause you work here. Okay.” “No, it’s like a fun pattern.” I’m like, “That’s a cow print. Like, one hundred percent. It’s black splotches. I’m gonna look like a model for Gateway printers. I’m not wearing that.” Here’s the fact: it’s a cow print. You can’t wear it if you’re normal. If you’re a model, you can wear something stupid and look hot. You can wear a blousy cow print and be like, “Fuck yeah. Moo, motherfuckers. Unh! Unh! Moo, yeah, unh! Unh, right?” Not dicks, udders. Normal girl wearing a cow pattern, if you tuck in a blousy cow, you’re gonna look like a cow that had gastric bypass surgery. Just blousy. Tucked-in blousy cow, so I got it. Tucked-in blousy cow. Then I bought pants that were very tight. You want to wear tight pants. The tighter the pant, the more effort it shows you’ve put into it, okay? Not unlike Chinese foot-binding, you want your pants so tight that they form your muscles and bones into this kind of, like, palsy effect. Okay? And you want to have shoes that are so high, the heel is so high, that you are literally cantilevered off the edge and it forms a dainty hump in the back. Men like this, trust me. Men love a good hump, okay? Like this. So you’re ready. So you’ve got blousy cow, palsy pants. You want your shoes so high that you can’t run from your rapist if you want. Blousy cow, palsy pants, and I was ready for the date. I brought a special bag. There’s a special bag women are required to carry on a first date. It’s called a clutch. Small mouse purse. A clutch, for those that don’t know, is neither a synonym for the word “cool,” nor does it have to do with a car. A clutch is a tiny purse that women carry on a first date. The reason we carry it is because we can’t carry a big bag, ’cause men don’t like big bags. First, it’s not attractive. You can’t show up to a guy’s house going, “Hey! Huh huh. Ready for our first date, Steve? Well, I just brought my… …bag right here. We don’t gotta go to no fancy dinner or nothing. Nope, I brought me a hot plate. We can just plug it in right here. We can do it on the lawn, unless you’re ashamed of me. You got an external power source? Maybe a generator? I call mine Jenny. It’s a little joke. We could… Do you like beans, Steve? I brought beans. I don’t need a can opener. I’ve got this shit.” We carry the little bag because men don’t like big bags. Men don’t like big bags because big bags scare men. You show up with a big bag, guys’ first thought is, “Fuck, she’s trying to move in.” That’s the first thought. Men don’t like surprises. They’re already weirded out by women in general. They don’t know what’s in that bag. You could have guns, medication. “What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag? What’s in the bag! Tampons, alimony papers, Gwyneth Paltrow’s head? What’s in the bag?” Could have medication in there, restraining order. Taking around that garbage with you, that’s why it’s called baggage. So we carry a little, tiny clutch, carry a tiny bag to fool you. We want you to think all this perfection… I said perfection!… comes from the contents of this tiny rat purse. “Just a couple of things.” Every girls’ told that lie. “It takes me, like, ten minutes to get ready, so…” As you’re telling the lie, you can feel it. “- I promise, I’m telling the truth. – It’s fine. Ten minutes.” And no woman in this room has ever closed a clutch on the first try. Because… it’s true. “It was hard getting here. It wouldn’t close on the first try.” Because when women pack for a first date, we don’t pack for the date we’re going to have, we pack for the date we want to have. Imaginations take over. “I should bring one lip gloss for every degree the sun sets, ’cause we’re gonna watch the sunset from the yacht. Do it. Also, bring my AAA card, in case his Porsche breaks down. He has a Porsche. What if he’s, like, a secret millionaire, and he, like, wants to make sure that, like, I love him for him and not his money, ’cause he’s had problems with other girls in the past wanting him for his money, and he didn’t know if their love was pure? I’ll pretend, like, ‘You don’t have to test me, ‘ but he does, because I really like money, but I’m gonna pretend it’s not a big deal. And maybe he’s the prince of a recently liberated country that I don’t care about, and I should pretend I care about him, so I should plan for this date to be amazing, so I should bring a passport in case we go to dinner in Paris.” You get it all in the bag, start to zip it. You’ve got it in your teeth, the zipper. Fuckin’ close! Please! You get it, like, halfway zipped. You can’t go on a date with a bag zipped halfway. That’s ratchet. So what do you do? You take everything out, all your accessories, you lay ’em all out. You gotta make some cuts. So sorry, ladies. You’re all very valuable to the team. Not everyone can make varsity. And rather than get rid of anything, right, what do you do at least once? You make an attempt to put everything back in the bag, but slowly… thinking if you’re somehow purposeful in your actions, you will sneak up on the bag… and it won’t know that it’s full. And you get it down to one thing, and then you snap. You’re like, Fuck it! Everything goes in! LUNA bars, Activia, uggs, Dad issues. Let’s go. So we went to a bar, and we’re sitting there, and we sit down, and he ordered one drink… the whole night. Here’s my problem with that. Um… It was a Friday night, and I’m a lady. I want to party, but I’m a lady. So, if you only have one drink, that means I’m only going to have one drink. If I only have one drink, how the hell am I supposed to want to touch you later? Okay? Yes. Thank you for being honest. Do the math on that one, accountant. Yeah. Anyone not laughing, you’re lying to yourself. That’s what alcohol is for. Loosen yourself up a bit. Make choices you wouldn’t normally make. “Whatever. I had some wine. It’s okay.” Otherwise, why waste the calories? Let’s all just have a glass of warm milk and punch ourselves in the face. He didn’t even get alcohol. He had a beer. He had, like, an IPA. And he had, like, taken a sip of his. I was done with my vodka soda. I thought we were having a race. Sipping on his beer, I’m down to the ice in my drink, tonguing it like a dog on a hot day. Just like… I’m running into the bathroom, taking shots of Scope from the attendant, trying to get, like, a prison buzz, introduce alcohol. I’m holding my breath, trying to get some kind of high. My problem wasn’t necessarily that he only had one drink. My problem with it, really, was that I had a problem with it. I should have been mature about it. And had I been dating more in my 30s, I think I would have been okay with that situation. My friends in their mid-30s, they’d be okay with that drink. I wish that I was. I wish I could have normal girl thoughts. I wish I’d sit and have the drink and have normal girl thoughts. “This one drink is really nice. I’m so grateful. This is great. He seems like a really sweet guy. He’s got really nice eyes. I wonder what they’d look like in a jar.” Like, normal thoughts. But I’m still of the mindset that when I get a drink in me, – it sends a message to my brain… – that it’s go time! That’s what it says, all right? I’m 31, I’m not 90. It was Friday, not a Tuesday during high tea. Let’s make some fucking mistakes. That’s what it’s about. I got… I feel a lot of people are wired this way. A sip of liquor sends a message to my party goblin that it’s time to do it. Some people have party goblins that have lost their ability to walk, from partying too much. My party goblin sleeps on a bunk bed, on the top bunk. My dignity sleeps on the bottom bunk. He is not invited. The second I taste liquor, it wakes her up. She smells it in my brain. She’s dreaming of eating frozen pizza, ’cause she’s a monster. “Huh?” “Vodka. Top shelf.” She goes to the megaphone that controls my actions. We’ve all had party goblin control our actions. “You need to rage! Find the door guy! Ask him if he has drugs! Do not specify. See what he comes up with! Do it! Fuckin’ go! Jump on top of that table. Start dancing. There is no music. I will provide the music. # La la la la la la-la-la la! # You look so pretty. Jump off that table. Run outside. Push that cop, see if he finds it adorable. Ask if you can touch his gun. The answer’s always no. Go over to that CVS. Find the dairy aisle. Grab some whipped cream. Do some Whip-its. It might kill you. It’s fucking worth it. Go outside. Take a picture. Put it on Instagram. Take it down ten minutes later ’cause, oops, we could see your nipple!” Like, that’s how it usually is. So, we left the bar, right? Super buzzed off of our drink. And he drove me home, so now we’re in front of my house, okay? We’re sitting in front of my house. This is where a kiss takes place. This is where a first kiss takes place. Now, as a girl, you know when you’ve put out the vibe that you want a kiss, all night, okay? Men and women are wired differently. Men are putting out the vibe all the time. Right now, lot of vibes, all the time. “God, I hope she sees my wiener.” That’s what… The vibe is ever-present with guys. “You want this? Yeah? Anyone? Anyone. No? Little bit? What, you’re calling the cops? Okay. See you on Facebook. Okay.” For girls, we’re very specific about when we put out the vibe. Can’t just throw that shit around. Got to be specific. Every girl’s got things she does to throw out the vibe. Maybe touch her hair a little bit. “That’s funny.” Maybe you show off part of your body. Every girl’s got that one body part better than any other girl’s. Maybe it’s your forearm. Maybe all night, you’re like, “Fuck, yeah. Yeah? Ehh? You want it? You wanna fuck, eh? Yaaahhhh. That’s weird? Okay.” When a girl knows that a guy’s a little vulnerable and into her, we become like an evil witch in Enchanted Forest, and the guy becomes, like, the lost ingenue. Say your girlfriend broke up with you. Let’s say you were cheated on. You’re a little wounded. You’re sitting there. “I hope I find a girl.” And we, out of nowhere, are just like… “Hello. Apple? What’s that? Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy. Whole new life for myself.” We start saying things to you to lure you in. “Yes, this way. Sports? I love sports. This way. This way. Come this way. Oh, yes. What? A relationship? Not me. No, I just want to fuck in perpetuity until you grow tired of me. This way! Yes, what’s that? Your ex-girlfriend? She sounds like a bitch I would love to fight with my shirt off. This way. This way to my gingerbread house. Yes. Yes. Come and nibble on the walls of my gingerbread house. Yes! What’s that? Yes, it’s a metaphor for my vagina. You’re very clever. This way. This way. Said the right things, did the right things. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss. Now, for the guy… he has to decide how he wants to kiss the girl. That’s a tough role. You have to decide how you’re gonna kiss a girl. If you kiss her too soft, you look like a big puss. If you kiss her too hard, charges will be filed. So you have to be careful. In this interaction, the girl also has her part to play. There are only three places you can look in the passenger side of a vehicle, only one of which is truly acceptable, okay? You cannot look right at him. That’s too much eye contact. He might take it as a threat. He might bite your neck. We don’t know what he’ll do. Okay? We don’t know. Plus, it’s creepy. “Do I kiss this girl? I don’t know.” And you’re just like… But you can’t stare out your passenger side window. That’s not enough eye contact, and you’ll look touched in the head. He’s looking at you. “Do I kiss this girl?” And you’re just like… Side note, ladies: If his window does this, do not date him. Okay. So the girl only has one option, and that is to sort of look down and stare at her hands, and all of a sudden become fascinated with her cuticle situation. “Amazing. I used to have feathers. That is so weird.” And sort of monitor the impending kiss out of your periphery. And when he gets about halfway, you strike. Teeth first, so you know that he knows you mean business. I’ve kissed two guys. I think I know what I’m talking about. So I was all set. Blousy cow. Palsy pants. Fuckin’ forearm. Creepy witch. Like, I was all set. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss, and apparently he had a different plan. He had a cheek peck planned. And I did not see that coming. Now I’m going to show you what happens when a cheek peck meets the intention of a mouth kiss. This is me, and this is him. “I’m just sitting here. Oh, my God. Nails.” Let’s see the slow-motion replay. Huh? No? Fuck! Tuck and roll! So embarrassing! It was so embarrassing. It was sexual rejection, like, in the weirdest form. I don’t even remember how I got in my house. I just know that I ended up there. What I think happened is that my embarrassment materialized into a magician’s smoke bomb. And I was just like, “This never happened!” And I was gone! So now I’m inside my house. We’ve all had this happen. It was, like, 10:30. We’ve had this happen where you come home earlier on a weekend than you thought you would. You were all planning to go out, and you come home way earlier. Guys, they want to go back out, right? You wanna get back out there, right? Go team. Get back out there. You want to get drunk and meet chicks. For girls, it’s a different motivation. “Why don’t you want to go back out?” “‘Cause I don’t wanna waste an outfit.” You try to contact your friends. There’s something energywise that makes it very difficult when you’re sober to go back out and rejoin your drunk friends. You ever try getting a location from your drunk friends? It’s like texting with a house cat. They send you the weirdest stuff. Here’s what happens. They don’t really care if they see you because they went out together. You went rogue. You went off on a date, selfish, went to go find love. Your friends formed a little mini-mob, and they band together and they formed a phalanx. “Let’s find dudes,” and they went out together. They don’t care if they see you. They send you weird texts. Like, “We don’t know the name of the bar! We don’t know how long we’ll be here. We’re in outer space. Come find us!” After, like, 20 minutes of trying, you resign yourself to the fact you’re gonna be home. What’s the first step? You take off your going-out clothes. I had a silk blouse on. I didn’t know how to care for it. I didn’t know what to feed it. I didn’t know. It’s the fanciest material. It’s like the caviar of the material family. I stood by open French windows for ten minutes waiting for bluebirds to come and undress me. Took it off. Put on my at-home clothes. Girls know what at-home clothes are. The clothes you put on when no one else is around. Super gross. All the guys here are like, “I’ve been with my girl when we’re by ourselves. She’s super cute.” No, we don’t do that. We don’t wear roll-down boxers and socks up to here ’cause you’re kind of a pedophile, and pigtails. We don’t do that when we’re by ourselves! Girls, we dig deep into the trunk of, like, old T-shirts. You pull out your T-shirt from middle school. It’s got paint on it. You got your Abercrombie varsity athletic pants from, like, 1997, stripes on ’em. You put those on, right? Sweatshirt’s got holes. Pants have holes. Underwear has holes. Socks have holes. Why are there holes in your clothes? Because tears corrode. And you wander listlessly through your house. You look homeless, but you’re in a home, so that doesn’t make sense. You wander from room to room. You’re just kind of not ready to go to bed yet. You go to a room where the light’s off. You flip it on. One percent of you is expecting there to be, like, a serial killer. Knowing full well if he’s there, you’re done for, ’cause you’re in your at-home clothes. Nothing’s… can’t defend yourself. Flip it back off. You wander into the kitchen. You don’t really make a meal for yourself, do you? You just stick your hand deep in a bag of deli turkey. Right? Couple of crackers. Maybe, like, two Starbursts for dessert. Staring at nothing. Maybe you have a show in the background. Maybe Frasier’s on, hypothetically me every night. Sitting there eating. You start saying weird things to your dog. “One day, you’ll be my wife.” I’m sitting there doing this. Phone buzzes. It’s a text message. Who’s it from? The accountant. What does it say? Is he gonna ask me out again? Does he like me? “Hey, Iliza, had a great time tonight. Would love to have kissed you, but I have to be up early.” I don’t even know how to answer that like a human. You sent me a text that is un-text-backable. And first of all, who are you making out with, wolverines, that your legs are immobile the next day? You send me something that stupid, I’m not giving you the dignity of a normal text back. You’re not even getting back a regular emoji. No winky face. No sad face. I’m going deep into that emoji bank and I am pulling out… fried shrimp. Fried shrimp. What bothered me about the whole thing is it was sexual rejection, no matter how you slice it. I wasn’t saying, “Let’s get married. Let’s make plans to meet my mom.” It was a kiss. And so, even though you denied the kiss, it’s still denying me sexually, which is very uncomfortable for girls. Guys get sexually rejected, it’s part of being a guy. “You want it? Nope? Okay. Anyone else? Hey? One over here. Dick over here. Penis over there. One, two, two, two. Sold! To the seven in the corner with low standards.” It was a mouth kiss. You rejecting that is the equivalent of you being like, “Hey, Iliza! You see this? None for you!” Let’s talk about this for a second. I talked about this on my last special. Every girl’s seen a guy do this. So, I’ve done some thinking on the topic of this… I want to let you girls know, ’cause girls get offended. “That’s so gross. Why are you doing that at a family picnic? What are you doing?” I want to give you peace of mind and let you know, it has nothing to do with you. He would be doing this whether you were there or not! Take it as an insult, take it as a compliment. I don’t have an issue that guys do this. My issue is that there’s no reciprocation on the female end. Gentlemen, you’d be very upset… if you were laying in bed, ready to have sex, game’s on pause, ready to go. And your girlfriend came out of the bathroom in just a T-shirt and no bottoms. “Hey, babe.” And she just did some sort of, like, weird vaginal puppetry. Hashtag vaginal puppetry. You’d be very upset if she just came out and was like, “Babe! Hey. Hey.” If there are any guys here not laughing, that’s how we feel about that! It would disrupt the entire cycle of human procreation. Men would cease having sex with women. They’d be super grossed out. They’d move to the woods. They’d take raccoons as wives. It would be horrible. What’s weird about it is, as a girl, you are open to the threat of a guy doing this at any point. If you’re dating a guy, he could do it a week in, a year in, ten years in. It could be in the bedroom, at a concert, the produce aisle. This could happen at any minute. That fear is ever present in your mind, so I think if men and women are to ever be fair and equal, guys should have an inherent fear of raptor vag. Hashtag raptor vag. It’s only fair. So I have a plan. Tonight, we strike. Every guy in here on a date is like, “Jesus. Fuck. Why did we buy tickets for this? They were free? Still.” Here’s my plan, okay? Tonight… while my boyfriend is sleeping… Let me take it back. I’m gonna get a boyfriend. Wait till he’s sleeping, okay? Sneak up in there… And when you do this, ’cause you’re going to do it, pinky swear? When you do it, you want to make sure that he’s in REM sleep. It’s the deepest, most luxurious sleep, okay? You need to check to see that he’s in REM sleep. How do you make sure someone’s in REM sleep? You open their eye… while they’re sleeping. You ever do this to someone while they’re sleeping? Fuck you guys! I’m not the only one that’s done this! And you say things like, “I love you! Look back and forth if you love me too!” Make sure he was sleeping. So he’s sleeping. And I go into the other room, and I would pin for a little bit… pin pin pin… and then I would go in, and I would take out my raptor claw, okay? And I would sharpen my nails down, not to a point that was sharp enough that you could stab a meerkat and eat it if you wanted to, but you want a rounded point so the pressure will be localized, okay? Like an apex of sorts, okay? Rounded. Like, if a raptor went to get a manicure, she’d be like, “Make it lovely.” So I’d make it lovely, and I’d sheath it for my own protection, and I’d go in, and I’d descend upon the sleeping boyfriend, and I would apply the raptor claw to his cheek, and I would gently stroke. Not enough to awaken, but merely to stir. Okay? Why am I doing that? I’ll tell you, what I’m doing is introducing external stimuli into his land of slumber. Who talks like that? I’m introducing external stimuli into his subconscious, thus permeating his dreams, okay? Whatever he’s doing in his dream, he’s gonna feel this. Somewhere in the back of his brain, he’s gonna be, “Oh, shit, raptor vag.” Doing this lets him know. It’s not unlike when you’re having a dream. Let’s say you’re talking to a model, and your alarm clock goes off. “Another reason I don’t like to wear underwear…” It’s the equivalent of that, okay? I would do this, so in his dreamland, he would feel that and he would know. And then, he’s still sleeping, but he’s feeling this, and then, for the final stage, I would sneak up to him, and I would sound the raptor mating call. It would resonate all throughout the land of Nod, and he would know. He’s in his dream, delivering his naked high school commencement speech, he would hear the raptor mating call, and he’d be like, “Oh, fuck, Mama’s here.” He would know. I’d get in his ear and do the raptor mating call right before I striked, okay? I stroked? I striked. I stricked? Okay. Do it. I’d get in his ear, raptor mating call. And he would, “Huh?” And I’d go… “That’s right, motherfucker!” It’s like a jacket. Girls are weird. We do weird things, but we’re cute, so it’s okay. Girls do crazy things. It’s our own brand of crazy. Guys do crazy things too, like rape and war. They do their own kind of crazy things. Girls have a more insidious kind of crazy. We’ll start a fight just to see if we can make it look like you started the fight. We have do it three times a year or we lose our standing in the club. Every girl’s done that, just to see how strong your powers are. “I don’t want to fight with you. Stop it. I didn’t start this. You started this, you started acting weird. – I don’t want to fight with you.” – “Bullshit.” “I don’t want to fight with you.” We’ll turn around, talk to a fake jury. “I don’t… What is this? I don’t want to fight with you. This is on you. I’m peaceful, you’re being a dick. I don’t even… stop it. What are you doing? You’re yelling. I don’t want to fight with you.” But in your girl head, you’re like… I wanna… I wanna fight with you. I woke up feeling chubby this morning… and that is somehow your fault. Get in the Octagon. We do all kinds of head games. “Go hang out with your friends. That’s fine. Do it. Go hang out with your friends. I dare you. I know you made plans with me. That’s fine. Go hang out with your friends. That’s fine. I want you to be happy. Do it. Go hang out with your friends.” There are no friends. Only Zuul. Look, I’m sure being a guy has its difficulties. I haven’t been one in a while. I don’t really know what that’s like. Girls have a lot of stuff that are being thrown at them all the time, and we have to suss out what’s good for us and weed out the positive messages. I truly believe our society operates on a currency of women’s insecurities, multibillion-dollar industries thriving on, “Just make them feel their bodies are unacceptable, then sell them some shit.” Look at any magazine. “You’re amazing, but you need to lose, like, ten pounds. Love your body, love your hair. Whatever you’ve done is wrong. You look like a sea monster.” Everything’s got a weird mixed message and a “whorey” undertone. “Be a bad girl. Own your sexuality. But if you fuck more than one dude, you’re a whore.” Like everything’s wrong. You can’t just go around effing dudes, but you can have sex with more than one. Even my eyeliner has a sexual message. It’s called Bad Gal. Fourteen-year-olds can buy this. Are they bad gals? Yeah, tiny bad gals. It comes with a little devil that sits on your shoulder. It whispers salacious things in your ear. – Oh, I’d better get ready for the… – “You’re a bad gal.” Better close that window. Better get ready… “Yeah, you wanna fuck in a Dumpster.” What are you talking about? Doesn’t sound like a bad gal as much as someone that just needs a home. I’m not a bad gal. I’m just trying to put on eyeliner so I don’t look like newborn hamster face. – “Yeah, you’re a bad gal.” – I’m not a bad gal! “You are. You want to give a hand job in an Acura going 50 in a 30, no insurance. You’re a bad gal.” What are you talking about? I have insurance. What’s my blush called? Flirty Girl. “Yeah, tart it up, you hooker! Yeah! Look super horny, ready to go. You’re a flirty girl. Dressed like that, you’re asking for it!” Dressed like what, like a cool mom out on mom’s night out? Dressed like what? “Yeah, you wanna fuck in a Dumpster!” What’s with you and fucking with Dumpsters? – “I wanna fuck in a Dumpster.” – Well, you’re projecting! Again, my issue with it isn’t that there’s a sexual undertone. My issue is that it’s a negative message to women, but guys reap a positive effect, right? “She’s a bad girl. Maybe she’ll touch my D.” That’s pretty much the message coming out of that. “Maybe she’ll wear spiked leather gloves, yeah, on a motorcycle!” She’s probably a lesbian if she’s on a motorcycle. “Bad gal.” There’s no men’s products, there are no men’s products that have a negative message to men, but women reap a positive effect. There’s no guy putting on cologne, and he’s hearing, “You’re gonna text her back within a reasonable time frame.” There’s no guy putting on aftershave, and he’s hearing, “You’re 37 and share a room with two other dudes in the hipster part of town. Outside the context of Los Angeles, that’s totally socially unacceptable. What’s that? You run a T-shirt making business? You only have online shit? No real T-shirts. You ride a bike to work and claim it’s ecologically responsible, but we all know your credit is so fucked, you can’t get financing for a Kia!” There’s a lot to contend with as a girl. We have different rules. Girls are like, “We can fuck whoever we want.” That’s not the way it should be. We’re the fairer sex for a reason, lady. If you want guys to pay for dinner and open doors, act like a lady. You can’t act like a guy. We’re just not built for it. Sorry if that’s crushing some of you. It’s just the truth. “Fuck!” My girlfriends called me the other night. “Do you want to go out with us… after your skit?” Continuing to not fully comprehend what I do for a living. That’s fine. We’re talking about it, and in the back was my drunk friend. Drunk friend never gets to hold the phone. Drunk friend’s always in the background, yelling shit at the sober one. Drunky’s always tethered to the sober one. Like, “Ahhh! I miss you! Aaahhhh!” When they yell, “I miss you,” and you don’t miss them, you’re like, “Miss you too, babe. Bleh.” “Come out with us!” She kept yelling at me. “Come out with us! I’m gonna fuck a stranger!” I’m sorry, do whatever you want. I feel if you’re a lady, that is never a sentence that should be uttered with anticipation, in future tense. It is only a sentence that should be said with the utmost abhorrence, in past tense. It should never be, “I’m going to fuck a stranger!” It should always be, “Oh, my God, I fucked a stranger! Oh, my God!” We always talk about the downside when girls sleep with someone. Let me take up for the guys’ side for a second. I do believe there are plenty of guys in here that have gone to bed for a one-night stand, thinking, “I’ve found someone special.” And then you wake up the next morning next to a fat water rat. These things have happened, okay? Plenty of guys in here, I’m sure, thought they went to bed with, like, an absolute angel, and tomorrow morning… Tonight you’re gonna go out in Denver on a Friday, meet a girl. “Oh, she’s so angelic, so beautiful.” And tomorrow, you are going to wake up next to Satan himself. You’re gonna look down at your pile of sheets, and they’ll just be, like, undulating, pulsating, and there’ll be heat lines coming off of it. “Uh, good morning. Excuse me, is it… Stacy?” “No one by the name of Stacy is here.” “I’m so embarrassed. I thought your name was Stacy.” “El nombre no es importante.” “Wow. Well, judging by that and the smell of sulfur, I’m gonna take a guess that you are… Satan?” “Yes!” Clip-clop. “Yes?” “Uh, look, you gotta go.” “Why? I thought we were gonna get breakfast, smoochie-pie.” “Uh, we can’t get breakfast, because, look, I cheated on my girlfriend, and I…” “You what? You cheated? You cheated on me?” “Are you crying lava?” “Fucking right, I’m crying lava! I’m the devil, what do you think I’m gonna cry? That’s so fucked up. I thought you were a good guy. Fuck you, fuck you!” “Just get outta here.” – “I know when you’re gonna die.” – “Are you fuckin’ serious?” “Nope, that’s the angel of death. I’m just kidding. People think we’re the same, but we’re not. We’re just similar height, we both have brown hair.” Um… “You gotta go.” “Don’t fuckin’ touch me! Get off my tail! I’m going. Give me some bus fare. In my hoof. What are you laughing at?” “I’m sorry, I think it’s ridiculous that you’re taking the bus.” “Yes, I’m taking the bus, okay? I am fiscally responsible. Do you know how hard it is to be the devil? I have no business. The Kardashians take, like, all of my business. I’m not even joking. It’s really hard to earn an honest dollar, okay? I had to have sex with Kris Jenner and everything. It was horrible. She’s evil. Of course I don’t have any money. Of course I take public transportation. I’m a demon of the people, okay? What do you expect me, to drive around in a hearse made of skulls, okay? I’m not Rob Zombie. I’m not an asshole, okay? Now, give me six dollars and 66 cents and I’ll be on my way.” “All right, fucking go.” – “I have a question.” – “What?” “Is it cold outside?” You guys are a wonderful crowd. Uh… there’s no elegant way to wipe off a sweat mustache. I was talking at the beginning about how a lot of my friends are getting married, and I’m happy for them. I think that I’m just in a different head space at the moment. They all get really excited to plan their weddings, and I get really excited to plan a breakup. Guys, hear me out on this. Girls do weird things. And from the day we start dating you, we keep tabs on everything you do wrong… so that if and when we decide to break up with you, ’cause, I don’t know, if the wind changes direction… we can then refer to said list, extrapolate one isolated incident, and use that as the piece de resistance of our breakup masterpiece. You ever been dating a girl, everything’s going great… things are mediocre, not great, but whatever… and she breaks up with you out of the blue? “Yes, your feet look like eagle claws! There, I said it. Cacaw. Cacaw. Goodbye.” It seems like it’s out of nowhere. We let things build. You could be sitting at your anniversary dinner. – “I’m thinking about getting salmon.” – “I’m fuckin’ done!” Like it doesn’t really matter. I’m not cavalier about this. I put time and effort into these breakups. You put time and effort into dating me, I’m going to return said time and effort, plus interest… it’s a very good ROI… on that breakup, okay? These are handcrafted breakups. Hand-hewn, “hecho en California,” tailor-made, forged from the fires of your own insecurities, specialty breakups, okay? I don’t do a generic breakup. I don’t do a breakup template. I don’t do the whole, “Oh, my God, it’s me, not you.” No, it’s you, motherfucker, here’s a list of reasons why. I was dating a guy, we dated for three months, and we were on our first date, right? We’re doing first date stuff, right? We’re at a bar, drinking, talking, taking muscle relaxers. I was asking him first date questions: What do you do, where are you from, what do you max out at? I was like, “Oh, what’s your middle name?” “What’s your middle name?” He goes, “My middle name is Paul.” Now… reciprocity in, like, a normal conversation would dictate that perhaps his next question to me should have been… “What’s… what’s your nah nah nah.” That’s right! What’s your middle name? But he never asked me my middle name, – and I fuckin’… – remembered that. ‘Cause here’s the deal: He wasn’t necessarily wrong in not asking me that. Men and women communicate so differently. I’m surprised we can be in the same room without ripping each other’s genitals off. If you said to him, “Why didn’t you ask her her middle name?” He’d be like, “At the time, she had long hair. I thought she was a mermaid.” Like, not even in the same stratosphere. What’s crazy is every guy in this room is like, “Mermaid hair. I get it.” And where I went wrong, where girls tend to go wrong, is I didn’t tell him why I was mad. We don’t tell you why we’re mad, because “you should know,” which is insane. We barely know why we’re mad. “I don’t know, but something happened, and now I’m mad. I don’t know why I’m mad, but you should. The secrets are locked in my brain.” “Did you eat a key?” “I did. That and the plate and the leaves from earlier. I feel fat.” We just sit there, stoic, with this, like, Stepford wife facade, and we let it rot our brains, and we sit there smiling, but it devolves. “He didn’t ask my middle name. He doesn’t want to get to know me, my hopes, thoughts, dreams, feelings, friends, family, we’ll never have a baby.” Like, that’s the way that devolves. So I began planning the breakup… on the first date. We dated three months, and at the conclusion, I decided I wanted to do a rain breakup. Felt the rain would be emblematic of the tears shed during the courtship. Rain breakup. Wanna break up in the rain. Oh, my God. Unh. Rain, right? All different kinds of rain breakups. You can do one in an alley, crying. You could be a young, British country girl in the 1800s, running through a field. “No! I can’t! I can’t be!” In a white dress, no shoes. Women weren’t allowed to wear shoes until 1962. Fun fact. “No! I can’t be with you! I’ve been betrothed to another, Jeremiah!” “Why? I love you so.” “No!” Running in the rain, and it’s cascading. I’ve got long hair. They didn’t have scissors back then. I’d wrap it around like a belt. It’s weird. I’d be running, and it would cascade over it, white, so it’s just see-through. You wouldn’t see areola, but you’d see nipple bumpage. Like Rachel, Friends, circa 1997. Network nipple, right? Running, fuckin’ doing it. No bra. Running hard. ‘Cause in your fantasy, your tits are like rocks. Just running. “Aahhh!” Every girl has fantasized about kissing a boy in the rain, which, if you’ve ever actually done it, is horrible. You will get the flu. I live in Los Angeles. That’s not clean rain. That’s fucking rats, cabbage, headshots, lettuce. Kale. Three types of leafy greens. We’re healthy. Syringes. Dreams. Couldn’t do a rain breakup. It rained one day while we were dating, but I was wearing a wool sweater. You know. You can’t get wool wet. You’re going to smell like a dirty sheep. No one’s going to miss you. “You’re breaking up with me?” “I’m breaking up with you.” So I had to plan an alternate breakup. Now, before I share with you my alternate fantasy breakup, I’m going to tell you the way we actually broke up. The way we actually broke up was yours truly got a little drunk and a little honest one night and texted him something to the effect of, “You don’t even watch Breaking Bad. How are we supposed to be together?” Fried shrimp. So now, I’m going to share with you my ultimate fantasy breakup. ‘Kay. Thank you. In my fantasy, we will be sitting on my couch, at my house, and I will be a little bit more tan than I am now, so people will be like, “Where did you go on vacation?” I’ll be like, “It’s a secret. Huh.” My hair would be a little bit longer, but not too long… I’d have, like, layers. You know what I’m talking about? A long bob? Where you want to keep the length but not the weight, so you’d have, like, layers. And maybe highlights in the front, but maybe a partial. Like, some warmer tones, like a honey for the fall. Do you know what I’m talking about? Mm-kay. Sitting on my couch, at my house, and I would start a fight out of nowhere. When you’re a woman, you possess a magical, innate ability to create conflict where there formerly was none. All right, we’re talking out of thin fucking air. We could do this as a show in Las Vegas. Argument illusionists. Just creating them. Nothing up my sleeve! Nothing in my hand! Now there’s a fight, motherfucker. Maybe we’ll have a dove. I don’t know the budget. I don’t know what we’ll have. The point is, if the girl wants to have a fight, the lady shall have a fight. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You can cough. That’s enough kindle for that fire. Sitting there watching TV. “What did you say?” “I didn’t say anything.” – “What the fuck did you just say?” – “I didn’t say anything.” “You know what? Forget it!” And I would start crying. Start crying. I’m telling you now that I’m going to cry then. I’m planning to cry. I’m gonna put it in my phone. Set reminder: “Cry later.” Going to make myself cry. How do you make yourself cry? That’s what you’re thinking. Iliza, how do you make yourself cry? Lot of actresses get paid a lot of money to make themselves cry. How do you make yourself cry? I’m going to tell you. You take a small pocketknife… I’m just kidding. Um… Turn around, and unbeknownst to him, I would pluck… a solitary nose hair. You ever do that? That shit hurts… real bad. It’s physically undetectable… …and it’s going to escalate the energy of your argument very quickly. Your argument will magically be transformed from, “You know what? Just forget it!” Big tears, okay? I’ll tell you why it’s important to have big tears, okay? If you’re going to make the attempt to elicit an emotional response from an otherwise emotionally unavailable individual, you must be demonstrative with your ocular lubrication, okay? Unlike women, men are very black and white. They respond to big gestures, okay? Big tears means I am sad. This is not fun. I do not like this. I’m sad now. That’s what big tears say. You can’t risk it with little, snivelly allergy tears. That’s a mixed message. – “What do you want?” – “I don’t know what I want!” He might go kill you a squirrel and bring it back. He doesn’t know what you want! So I’d start crying. “You know what? Forget it!” And I would run out of my own house. I’d run outside. Now… prior to starting this fight, I would have gone into the street and set up orange parking cones in the street, okay? Because for my ultimate fantasy breakup, I want to have a street fight breakup. Anyone that’s ever fought in the street knows, you need a designated fighting area, okay? That’s a public thoroughfare. You can’t just run into it and start fighting. This isn’t West Side Story. You’re gonna get hit by a Buick. So I’d run outside, into the comfort of the Designated Fighting Area, the DFA. Run into it, and I’d immediately start yelling, “I hate you!” Why am I yelling? ‘Cause I’m angry? I’m not angry. Want the neighbors to come out. Want the neighbors to come out. I want them to see how you treat me! He treats me fine. We got frozen yogurt that morning. It’s fine. I want them to come out. I want their energy. I want their attention. I need an audience. Like, obviously. So… I’d have it set up, and he’d run out. “Iliza, what is your problem? Get back inside.” “You don’t tell me what to do. I’m an independent woman. I listen to Beyonce. Surfbort. Surfbort.” – “What does that mean?” – “No one knows.” “What are you so upset about?” I’d be like, “I just feel like, um… this is so hard because I feel like I’m, like, letting you down. I just feel like… we don’t even talk anymore, and… we don’t even know what we argue about… – “You quoting Boyz II Men?” – “Maybe.” “I don’t know why you’re so upset.” And then I would begin. “I just feel like, um… I’m sorry, I just feel like… Why is this dry? I just feel like… You’re a great guy, and you should be with a great girl. I want you to be with a great girl, sort of. And I want you to be… I feel we have a really good time together, and you’re wonderful, but I feel I’m not the girl for you. Okay, I said it. And we have fun, but I don’t feel like we’re gonna be together. We’re just wasting time, and we don’t belong together. I feel like we don’t really even know each other.” “Of course we know each other! Of course I know you!” “Really? What’s my middle name?” Snow! My bra. – We did it. – Good job. Snow. Should I do a curtain call? Is that weird? They’re kind of going crazy out there. – You wanna do a curtain call? – Is it too late? Blanche, you did it! She did it. Oh my God. I think, um… that the theater might file a police report and I might have to get a lawyer… because I killed! Ohh!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

D.L. Hughley: Contrarian (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/d-l-hughley-contrarian-transcript/

THE UNIVERSITY OF THE ARTS MERRIAM THEATER ♪America has to take those blindfolds off ♪ ♪ You are not machines! ♪ ♪ Blindfolds off ♪ [scratching] ♪ You are men! ♪ ♪ Blindfolds off ♪ Coming to the stage, he’s the king of comedy. Y’all clap your hands right now for my man–D.L. Hughley! [cheering] CONTRARIAN How about it, Philadelphia? A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL This is a hell of a city y’all got here, man. I was walking here, a motherfucker tried to sell me a bootleg shirt of me. I was like… “This is spelled wrong.” “How you know, motherfucker?” I’m glad 2017 is over, man. -It took everybody. Prince gone. -[audience] Yeah. How the fuck Prince gone and Bobby Brown healthy as hell? That’s how you know God wasn’t working that day. That must have been a intern. “Stephanie, what did you do? I said, ‘Soldier Boy.'” That would have been sad, but not quite as sad. You could live without that. I flew United Airlines. That’s a rough deal there. United beating the shit out of they passengers. Remember they beat that Vietnamese doctor so bad, he started speaking English? “Ouch! Shit!” I fly United, I fly first class. I make ’em close that curtain ’cause I don’t like that suffering go back in coach. “It’s so hot, we can’t breathe.” “Close the curtain. I can’t take it.” “Only have one upgrade. I can’t help ’em all. Please, Jesus. Just put the dog in the overhead.” [loud groaning] Now, if I’d have said “baby”, y’all wouldn’t have moaned at all. “Well, they got them little pillows up there. Ain’t no dog ever kicked my chair the whole flight.” I know, man. That Me Too movement, man. I’m so glad that women are finally get their respect and dignity they deserve. It’s a different world for men. You got to be careful. You can’t just say anything. Got to be very careful what you say to women these days. “Hey, excuse me. You look very nice. I mean, if that’s okay with you.” “I’m not losing my house ’cause you got a big ass.” If I worked in corporate America, I wouldn’t speak at all. “Hello.” “Whatever.” That Me Too movement confuses me. They seem inconsistent, man. Take, for example, they had two celebrities – one black, one white. Both were accused of sexual assault by dozens of women. Now, on the black one, going to the big house. The white one’s in the White House, so… I think… If I was Bill Cosby, I’d start a Y’all Too movement. “Hey, Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein – y’all too. Yeah.” Remember that one protester ran at Bill Cosby with her shirt off with the victims of… all 50 victims across her chest? That’s crazy, man. If a man see you with your titties, the last thing he’s trying to do is read. “I didn’t know you spelled Brenda with a nipple.” Black Panther was a huge movie. Give yourself– Man, we really showed up for that one. [cheering] We was all at the mall. White people were shook. “My God, there are a lot of black people in the food court.” “Does that guy Tyler Perry have a new movie out or something?” “I’m not gonna walk through a drum circle to get to Sbarros.” “There’s a guy with a plate in his lip in front of Panda Express.” We all went for different reason. Black people, we went for inspiration. White people went for information. “So that’s what they’re up to.” It was rough ’cause–For three days, man, we was a three-day weekend when that movie broke. For three days, we resided in the imaginary kingdom of Wakanda. But on Tuesday, we was right back to work for real. “This is not Wakanda. This is Wells Fargo.” “I’m gonna need you to open that drawer and take that goddamn dashiki off.” [applause] “And stop leaving your spear in the break room. It’s scaring the customers.” “Oh, and you make that X again, you’re gonna be an ex-employee.” “Oh, and it’s Collins, not Colonizer, asshole. I saw it.” Black people voted in Alabama. 98% of black women, 94% of black men. Man, we showing up. Roy Moore Jr. That’s it. If you want to make sure black people go to the polls, let a white dude ride down the street on a horse. We was at home. “Is this motherfucker on a horse?” “We voting today.” “Hey, Ernestine, go get my nine pieces of ID.” Everybody’s concerned about they DNA, man. Everybody want to know where they from, their ancestry. I think it’s fucked up to live in America when they stole you from your homeland, then sell your ancestry back to you. “For a hundred dollars, I’ll show you where we stole you from.” Nah, that definitely wouldn’t be right. I ain’t gonna buy that. You notice white people are always very excited when they got a little black in them? “Hey, I’m three percent black. You’re not gonna report that to Equifax, are you?” “I want to be black enough to be cool, but not fuck up my credit score.” America’s changing, man. I just saw Stormy Daniels on 60 Minutes, man. That was weird. That was the first time I’ve ever watched a porno star with the sound up. “You know, they sure doing a lot of talking in this fucking movie.” It was weird watching 60 Minutes with Vaseline and a washcloth in my hand. “Goddamn it, that’s Anderson Cooper. Shit!” “I almost took a wrong turn.” Stormy Daniels said that Trump had sex with her unprotected. Raw-dogging a porn star? I’m like… That make me question your judgment. If you ain’t worrying about gonorrhea, how can you help us with North Korea? [applause] This man is obsessed with President Obama. He wants to overturn single thing he ever did, man. Last time I saw anybody that obsessed with a black man, it was a Kardashian. [groaning] They hated Obama so much, some people voted against their own interest. If you got a pre-existing condition like type 2 diabetes and you voted for Trump, you hate n i g g a s more than you like your feet. Now, the black man in me is appalled by Trump, but the n i g g a in me is intrigued. “How is he getting away with this?” Do you realize the shit I would do if I could fire the motherfucker that was investigating me? “President, is that cocaine on your desk?” “You don’t see any cocaine.” “That’s fake news.” “This is a witch hunt.” Now they want to build a wall and kick all the Mexicans out. I ain’t no engineer, but you better not kick those Mexicans out before that wall get built. ‘Cause black people do not work outside like that no more. Fuck that shit. We had our turn. That’s what February’s all about. When a job’s too hard for us, we call Mexicans. “Hey, Javier, what you doing, man?” “Yeah. Meet me in front of the Home Depot.” “You can wear your soccer shoes. I need a living room built by tomorrow.” “Oh, and happy Cinco de Mayo, my brother.” Want to kick out the hardest-working people in America. I cannot wait to see white people cutting they own grass. “Jesus Christ, is it always this hot out here?” [applause] “How do you say ‘I’m sorry’ in Spanish”? “This is overwhelming.” “Good thing I’m three percent black. I wouldn’t be able to take any of this.” If they kick the Mexicans out, I’m goin’ with them. Fuck y’all. I’m… I’m not paying $300 a strawberry. [applause] I’m not doing it. A lot of poor white people voted for Donald Trump. How the fuck you broke and white in America? How did you blow a 400-year head start? “Aw, you almost had it.” “Got to be quicker.” If you broke and white in America, you are wasting your whiteness. You should put your whiteness on eBay. Black people will buy that, won’t we? “Ah…” “Gently used whiteness.” “This is from West Virginia. I don’t need that. That’s just…” “That’s like being a n i g g a right there. I don’t need this.” “Percocet come with this. I don’t know. What’s that?” “Ooh, give me some of that New York whiteness. Ooh, Fifth Avenue whiteness. Sprinkle a little Jew on it. Shit!” I hate when white people pretend color wasn’t involved in they decision. “I don’t even see color.” “Oh, you don’t? Well, how come y’all so good at describing n i g g a s to the police?” They seem to be very adept at that. They call the police on black people for anything. “Wait a minute, Officer.” “There’s a black guy. He’s 250 pounds… and 6 foot 5.” “He’s in my living room.” “I’m watching football.” “Wait a minute. He’s getting away. A commercial’s coming on.” One thing’s for sure. White supremacists are bold since Trump’s been in office. I saw them down in Charlottesville with tiki torches, and that fucked me up, ’cause those are the torches we use to keep bugs out of our backyard. I didn’t know they worked on n i g g a s, too. Who knew we was allergic to citronella? I guess I know how to make you motherfuckers leave my barbecue. “Come on, Ernestine. This n i g g a done broke out some citronella.” I saw white supremacists saying dumb shit like, “We want our country back!” Well, as I recall, when you had the country all to yourself, you invited n i g g a s to the party, didn’t you? [applause] It ain’t like we booked a cruise here ’cause we heard they was hiring. “Ooh, they hiring in America. Get on the boat.” “You know, slavery is a choice.” [audience groaning] Oh. That’s the most ignorant shit I’ve ever heard in my life. So if slavery was a choice, Harriet Tubman must have been a travel agent. [loud laughter] I can’t fuck with Kanye no more. That’s the thing. I can’t. Y’all can do whatever y’all want. He’s ruined for me. I don’t give a fuck. [whooping] ‘Cause, generally, if you make a album good enough, black people will make excuses for you. “Well, you know, he ain’t been right since his mama died.” “I’m just saying.” We’ll make excuses for you, your album good enough. “I know R. Kelly peed on that girl, but if you gonna pee on somebody, that’s the album to do it to. That’s all I’m saying.” [gasps and laughter] “I put on Chocolate Factory, it make me want to pee right now. Shit.” [singing] Ooh. Now they want to give teachers guns. Before we give teachers guns, shouldn’t we give them motherfuckers a raise? [applause] Goddamn. I, for one, am tired of them begging us for supplies. If I get one more note home with my child, “Can I have some lined paper…” “Clorox wipes?” “Thanks for the gun, but I’m gonna need whatever extra bullets you can spare.” All I know, if you give a motherfucker making $29,000 a year a gun, somebody getting robbed. “Give me the money, motherfucker!” “Mrs. Johnson, I’m the principal!” “Run it, n i g g a, run it.” “I’m getting me a vacation this year.” They want teachers to be in charge of security, man. Hell, even policemen wait for backup. Policemen don’t go in until other motherfuckers with guns show up. What the fuck a teacher gonna do, wait for the cafeteria lady? “Let’s wait for Irma. She got that big spoon.” “Shit, she took her hairnet off. We ready to roll.” [laughter and applause] They had five Parkland police officers down in Florida refuse to run into that building. Man, people was dying. You want a policeman to run into a building with a sense of urgency, do not tell him it’s a active shooter. Tell him something that’ll really get him going, like there’s two black men sitting in Starbucks. [whistling and cheering] “So, you’re here at Starbucks early?” I guess the problem is black people are not getting along with policemen ’cause apparently we don’t understand the rules. Pow, pow, pow. “Freeze.” “The suspect grabbed my gun and shot hisself in the back 53 times.” Well, they’re afraid it’s black-on-black crime. Well, that would imply crime doesn’t exist anywhere else. Well, 90% of black people kill black people. 87% of white people kill white people, Asians kill Asians, Latins kill Latins, husbands kill wives, wives kill husbands. That’s about proximity. You kill what the fuck you’re around. We ain’t more violent. We just got less gas money. This must be hard, man. You realize that it takes five months to be a police officer and 12 months to be a cosmetologist? So apparently shooting a n i g g a is easier than cutting his hair. “You should teach your children to respect the police.” We go one better. We teach our children to fear the police. We ain’t fuck around. We talk to them like they’re going outside to deal with a wild animal. “Don’t make any sudden movements.” “Don’t look him in the eye.” “Don’t run.” “Daddy, am I going on safari?” “No, n i g g a. You going to the end of the driveway, so….” Now they want to kick out all the Muslims. That’s fucking dumb. Ain’t no more American doctors. [laughter and applause] Matter of fact, if your doctor speak English, your insurance ain’t shit. Nobody at my doctor’s office speak English. I got to get Rosetta Stone to fill out my prescription. “This is from Doctor…” [guttural noise] “I don’t know where the fuck this cream supposed to go.” “Hey, did you know I was allergic to citronella?” We supposed to be worried about Isis. The most dangerous thing in America is other Americans. 300 Americans are shot by other Americans every single day. Hundred thousand Americans are shot by other Americans every year. More Americans have been killed by Americans than died in all the wars we’ve ever fought combined, so… Isis ain’t got shit on Us-is. I’m not scared of a Muslim. I’m more worried about a American just got laid off. “Oh, I’m fired?” [applause] “I’ll be right back…” “in Jesus’ name.” What, we should screen the people with Muslim-sounding names? Fuck that. I’m worried about a white dude with three names. Muhammad ain’t got shit on James Earl Ray. [whooping] Ever notice every time they take a picture of one of them mass shooters, you can tell they crazy in they yearbook picture? Olan Mills should arrest them motherfuckers as soon as the film is developed. “I didn’t do anything!” “Oh, you will.” “You with your bowl haircut and your lazy eye.” “I knew you wasn’t right in third period.” We obsessed with guns, man. Florida wanted to ban porno, but not assault rifles. Assault rifles go off dozens of rounds in a minute. A dick go off once a hour. And that’s when you young. You get past 50, if it goes off twice a month, you’re a fucking hero. “What are you doing, Mama?” “I’m making your daddy a casserole.” “He pushed my wig back.” “Twice this month, and it’s only January.” Gay people having a hell of a run. They can get married in all 50 states. That’s an amazing accomplishment. If straight people had to fight that hard for the right to get married, we’d have to live with that shit. “But I want to get married.” “Well, bitch, it’s illegal, so…” “I’m on probation. I can’t take no chances like that.” Black people don’t like gay people, which is silly, ’cause it wasn’t for gay people, many of us wouldn’t have a choir director. [groaning and laughter] Oh, that ain’t fucking true? We’ll see on Sunday. You ever been to a church with a straight choir director? That’s the most boring service ever. “Hey, man, where the sister with the tambourine now?” “Hit it, Tremaine.” We had our first gay player drafted in the NFL – Michael Sam. I’m proud of America for evolving past the point where they look at somebody’s merit instead of their sexuality. A lot of guys said, “Michael Sam went in the seventh round simply because he was gay.” Michael Sam went in the seventh round ’cause he ran a 4.9 at the NFL combine. In the NFL, you could be gay, but you can’t be slow and gay, goddamn it. You got to come out the gate just as fast as you came out the closet now. You can love a man on Saturday as long as you can catch a man on Sunday. I find it hilarious the first gay dude was drafted by the Rams. That cracks me the fuck up. If it would’ve been the Packers or the Browns… [audience groaning] [audience laughing nervously] Caitlyn Jenner waited till he was 68 to become a woman, which is silly, ’cause when men get older, we naturally produce more estrogen. Women produce more testosterone. He could have saved that 50 grand and waited. ‘Cause titties was coming next year whether you wanted them or not. “Ooh, my nipples are tender.” “I think I’m ovulating.” “Somebody get me a hot-water bottle.” I’m a liberal. I’m a proud liberal. You can call yourself a woman. I respect your wishes and call you what you like, but you’re not exempt from biological realities. You can call yourself a woman, but eventually, a doctor gonna call you and tell you you need a prostate examination. You can wear a sundress when you go, but… you still getting a finger in your ass. “Mrs. Johnson, can you move your balls?” [inaudible] “I’m not trying to offend you, but I need you to cough.” We live in a world where you can now self-identify. You can say you something, even though I can see you not, I still got to agree with you. So from now on, I’m a white man trapped in this n i g g a’s body. My name is Chad. I’m pretty sure that ain’t gonna work with the police. [imitates siren] “Wait a minute, Officer. I’m a white man trapped in this n i g g a’s body.” “Both you motherfuckers get out the car.” “But the n i g g a first.” “This is so disappointing.” “I was hoping for a different result.” Bill Maher, he said “n i g g e r” on TV. Everybody lost their mind. “He should lose his job. He said ‘n i g g e r’ on TV.” Do you realize if every white person that said “n i g g e r” lost their job, tomorrow, nothing would be open. “Hey, how come the mall is closed?” “You know why.” The funny thing about that is they blame the word “n i g g e r” on black people. “You say it in hip-hop all the time. Maybe if you didn’t say it, we wouldn’t say it.” What a ridiculous argument. N i g g e r’s been in the American lexicon since the early 1700s. Hip-hop been around since 1975. Like, what came first, “n i g g e r” or The Sugarhill Gang? [laughter and applause] Mark Twain or Grandmaster Flash? I heard “n i g g e r” my whole life. My mom used to say it, “N i g g e r s and flies, I do despise. The more I see n i g g e r s, the more I like flies.” First time I was ever called “n i g g e r” outside my house, I was in the third grade, man. Went to a field trip on Olvera Street, the oldest street in Los Angeles. My favorite ice-cream parlor was there. So I saved my money for a couple of weeks so me and my best friend could get my favorite ice cream. So we get there, and I run off the bus with my best friend. I walk to the ice-cream parlor, I’m excited. I say, “Sir, can we have some ice cream?” He looked at me and said, “We don’t serve n i g g e r s.” I said, “Well, can we have strawberry?” [applause] I went home. My mother told me. She said, “Some people have the words. They say evil stuff. They talked about Jesus. You think they won’t talk about you? It’s never what you called. It’s what you answer to.” My mama wasn’t a nice woman, but those were some of the sweetest words she ever said to me. She was a sweet woman that day. I said, “Thank you, Mama. That means so much to me. Mama, can I have some ice cream?” She said, “No, n i g g a, you can’t have no ice cream.” Hey, Derek, let me have a little bit. Derek, let me have some more, man. Mm-hmm. This is Derek, my Mexican security guard. I’m gonna miss you when Trump takes you away. [loud laughter] ♪ It’s so hard to say ♪ ♪ Goodbye ♪ Just say it in Spanish. Happy Cinco de Mayo, my brother. Colin Kaepernick – he caused a lot of consternation, man. Everybody’s upset about that taking-a-knee thing. Even O.J. weighed in on it. O.J. said it was disrespectful not to stand for the national anthem. I’m like, “Hey, didn’t you kill two people?” I mean, you and Ray Lewis are pretty judgmental for murderers. I’d rather take a knee than a knife. You gonna stand for the national anthem. You didn’t even stop in a Bronco. They were mad at football players in general for taking a knee, man. “Why would football players protest police brutality? They’re rich. They don’t have to worry about that.” Do you realize the very physical attributes that get you drafted in the NFL when you’re a black man get you killed when you not on that field? If you big, you black, you fast, you strong, you aggressive – that shit work great on Sunday. But on Monday… I don’t know. Colin Kaepernick – he led a peaceful protest, and he’s a pariah. Robert E. Lee – he led a violent protest against America. Robert E. Lee killed more Americans than Nazis, and he gets statues everywhere. I think they should be able to keep they Confederate statues. I don’t think they should be in black people neighborhoods. Like, our schools are so shitty and underfunded, we actually don’t even know who the motherfucker on the horse is. “Hey, n i g g a, is that Seabiscuit?” [applause] “Why does that jockey got a sword?” No wonder he won the Derby.” I don’t know man. We’re a religious country till it’s time to act like Christ, then we fall down right there. I remember when Lamar Odom was in a coma. People prayed. “Prayer woke up Lamar Odom.” Well, maybe that’s true to you, but I believe nothing will wake your ass up from a coma faster than knowing your ex is making your medical decisions. Lamar heard Khloe’s in charge. He hopped right up. “I’m all right!” “I’m all the way up.” I know my wife would never unplug me. She would leave me on life support just to fuck with me. “Where your bitches now?” [screaming and laughter] [high-pitched] “I’m looking in the lobby. I don’t see any bitches.” I’ve always, like, had a problem with religion, man, especially when you’re a black person in America, ’cause our introduction to Christianity was a bit dubious, to say the least. Same person that gave you Jesus gave you “n i g g e r” so… [scattered applause] I remember Creflo Dollar, man. That makes people uncomfortable. They’re like… “It’s true, but…” “yet so uncomfortable.” Creflo Dollar, man, he said he needed $60 million to buy a private jet to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m like, “Motherfucker, Jesus rode a ass.” “You could at least get on Southwest.” “What if the window cracks?” “Pray over it.” ♪ Safelite repair, Safelite replace ♪ Amen. Remember that big flood happened down in Houston, man? Every business opened their doors up to the refugees, except Joel Osteen, who’s got the largest church in Houston. Twitter made Joel open them doors, ’cause originally, he just walked out and said, “Jesus said no.” “He walked on water. Now you try.” I don’t know, man. Generationally, it’s a different– We got different children, man, than when we was growing up, man. Like, Adrian Peterson, the greatest running back of his generation, got suspended last year ’cause he whooped his son with a switch. Who knew that shit was illegal? ‘Cause if the statute of limitations is not up, my mama’s getting an anonymous phone call on her. “Do you feel comfortable identifying the woman that repeatedly hit you with a switch?” “There she is right there.” “Mama.” “If that’s your real name.” And she called me “n i g g e r” and wouldn’t give me ice cream. “You always said tell the truth.” We used to get our ass whooped with extension cords. You come home, some shit was unplugged, you knew somebody getting fucked up. “The Frigidaire don’t work.” “Mama’s mad about something.” Remember your mother would call home from work? “I’m-a fuck you up soon as I get home.” You start trying to clean the whole house up. [loud laughter] She’d get home at five o’clock, you dressed for church. “Hey, Mama, I’m ready to be baptized now.” ♪ This little light of mine ♪ ♪ I’m gonna let it– ♪ Hit it, Tremaine! A lot of us are in these chairs right now instead of dead or in jail ’cause of the very ass-whoopings society now abhors. [light applause] A lot of people saw those welts on Adrian Peterson’s son, they were appalled. “Look at that. Doesn’t that look like abuse?” “Not to us.” “To us, that looked like a motherfucker who didn’t listen.” “These are clearly the marks of somebody you had to tell twice.” “Well, what are all those bruises on his arm?” “Trying to grab the belt. You don’t ever do that shit.” [loud laughter] You take your ass-whooping, cry yourself to sleep, and wear a long-sleeve shirt to school. “It’s summer. How come you got a sweater on?” “My mama love me, that’s why.” [laughter and applause] If you’re blessed to still have your parents, you realize it’s a blessing and a challenge, man. The older they get, the more childlike they become. You ever look at your parents, “How the fuck did y’all raise us?” “I’m scared to leave y’all home alone with the pilot light on. See you next week.” [laughter] My daddy 82 years old. He got the nerve to have dementia as evil as he was growing up. “I don’t remember.” “Motherfucker, I do.” “And that’s why your medication late.” “You forgot my baseball game. I forgot your doctor’s appointment. That’s the way…” My sister called. “Daddy, he don’t remember nothing. You better go see him.” “Daddy don’t remember nothing?” She said, “No.” I said, “Well, tell that motherfucker I just left.” “I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow. I ain’t gonna–” “Done burn my gas up, and you don’t know who the fuck I am.” My father was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, so we all over the house deciding the course of treatment. Doctor tells my father, “Mr. Hughley, you can go to the City of Hope, and you can receive the most advanced cancer treatment known to man.” You know what this motherfucker said? “Well, how far is that?” I said, “Motherfucker, not as far as the other room.” “Get in the car. You ain’t gonna remember it no goddamn way.” Father had cancer, my mother had a stroke, and my sister and mother had fought so much about my father, they got restraining orders on each other. My mother has a stroke, and an ambulance come to pick her up. My sister can’t even ride with her. She got to follow a thousand feet behind. I wish I was lying, but I’m not. Remember the evil shit our parents used to do to us, send you to the store to buy shit that’s illegal for a child to purchase? “Go to that store, get me a fifth of gin and a pack of cigarettes.” “I’m three. They ain’t gonna let me have that.” “Huh. Take this note.” “They’ll give it to you, too.” You riding home on a Big Wheel with liquor and cigarettes. All your neighbors, “That’s a good little boy right there.” “He gonna amount to something one day. You watch.” Remember you had the screen door with the screen torn out… and you used to get in trouble for just running through the screen? “Bring your ass back in this house.” “You open that door and walk outside like you got some sense.” [applause and laughter] The worst shit to be is the little boy that look like your daddy if your mama don’t like your daddy. “Why are you walking like that?” “You look just like your goddamn daddy.” “Mama, I’m three.” “You gonna need to make better decisions.” When we was growing up, man, it was crazy. Remember your mama kept everything in her bra– money, car keys, candy? You ever got some candy from a bra? That was… “Here you go.” [coughs] “This peppermint tastes like Tussy.” “My mouth is numb!” Bill O’Reilly talked about Maxine Waters’ wig. When I was growing up, every woman I knew, loved, and respected wore a wig, A wig was like an early warning system to a little black child. You came home and your mama’s wig, was on that white head on the dresser… you knew she was home. If the wig was gone, Mama was gone. “I’m going outside to play.” “You gonna get in trouble.” “No, I’m not. Mama ain’t here.” “How you know?” “Look.” ♪ Ding-dong, the witch is dead ♪ ♪ The witch is dead… ♪ “Hit it, Tremaine.” Your mama had two wigs. One she wore every day, one was that good wig. She only wore that on special occasions– church and to go downtown to talk to white people. “These motherfuckers done cut my gas off. Hand me my good wig.” “And watch your brother.” “Watch my brother? I’m four, he three. What the fuck I’m-a do? I just…” “I just shit on myself. I’m not a role model. I just… I…” [shouts of agreement] You had to grow up fast where we was growing up. They gave you a key, put it round your neck when you was five. You had to let yourself in your house, do your homework, and start dinner. “Mama said I gotta brown the meat.” You never got kidnapped ’cause they gave you two rules that kept you safe– “Don’t you take your ass outside. Don’t let nobody in my goddamn house.” [applause] “What if the house catch on fire?” “Motherfucker, you better burn up.” I was so frightened of my mother, I would have did it, too. “Little boy, this is the Fire Department. There’s a fire in the house. We need you to come outside immediately.” “My mama said I can’t come outside.” “I gotta brown the meat.” “We’re going to have to come in.” “You gonna get me in trouble!” [sobs] “I can’t have company.” “Oh, this fire is so hot.” “Mama gonna kill me if this meat burn.” [light blowing] “Go back outside, fireman. At least take your boots off.” “Stay on the runner.” You remember… black people had that runner down the middle of they carpet? Rest of the carpet dirty as hell. [loud laughter] My mother meant what she said. They could’ve pulled me out that house, I could’ve been in the hospital in the Burn Unit. “Didn’t I tell you not to carry your ass outside?” “Mrs. Hughley, his last words were, ‘Gotta brown the meat’.” “We unfortunately were unable to save him.” “A shame about my little boy.” “But were you able to save my oxtail?” “No point in us having two tragedies.” [audience groaning] Growing up, only two animals we was ever scared of– pit bulls and German Shepherds. Now kids are getting hurt by alligators and gorillas. Black people, we go to Disney World just like everybody else, but if we see a sign that say “no swimming,” we figure they know what the fuck they talking about. Black people respect signs. We don’t even tear that tag off our pillow say, “Don’t remove.” “Don’t you take that tag off that pillow. You be done blew my house up.” “It say ‘Don’t remove’ for a reason.” One lady went to the Cincinnati Zoo, her baby fell in there with a gorilla, which is crazy to me. When we was growing up, we couldn’t even touch shit at the grocery store. Every time you left the house, they gave you instructions. “We about to go there and make groceries.” “Don’t you look at shit.” “Don’t touch shit. And you ain’t getting shit.” [laughter and applause] “Now get in the car and shut the fuck up.” “And stay where I can see you.” We was always trying to be seen by Mama at the grocery store. “Can you see me?” You didn’t see none of us get lost in no grocery store. Your mama told you, “Motherfucker, I ain’t lost.” “You is.” “And if you do get lost, you better find me.” “‘Cause I’m leaving here in 15 minutes.” “And every motherfucker that roll with me better be in the goddamn car.” I wish I would have fell in there with a gorilla. My mother would’ve been like, “How you get down there?” “That’s the same way you getting out.” “I done told you we leaving here in 15 minutes.” “Gotta make your daddy a casserole.” This woman went to the Cincinnati Zoo. She babysitting six kids. Two were hers and four were not. I can’t figure out how the fuck one of your babies fall in there? Now, I’m a shitty babysitter, but I’m a wonderful parent. Ain’t no way in hell it’d been one of my kids. I’d have been calling you. “Keisha, your baby fell.” “Yeah, he in there with the gorilla.” “Where my babies at? They’re in the car with me. Hello?” “They knew we was leaving here in 15 minutes, so, it’s a…” “It’s a family tradition.” Even the gorilla get on the phone, “Keisha, your baby down here.” “Well, the zoo close at five.” [gorilla-like grunting] Cold part about it, they killed those gorillas. Only 700 male silverback gorillas in the entire world. Know what you gotta do to murder someone in America? Say you scared. That’s it. That’s all. You make people scared, you gonna die. That’s it. 700 male silverback gorillas in the entire world. They are by far the best parents in the animal kingdom. Their only job is to protect and provide for they family. That’s all the fuck they do. He shouldn’t have got shot. He should be teaching parenting classes. -He… -[scattered applause] He never once tried to hurt that baby. That baby fell down there, the females ran over, he was like, “Goddamn it, who baby is this?” “Oh, shit, there go the police.” “Hey, Officer, this is a phone. This a phone.” [groaning and laughter] [scattered applause] Gotta be careful what you name your children. Giving a child the wrong name could be a disadvantage economically for the rest of their life. A recent survey of potential employers said the more ethnic or urban a name sounds, the less likely they’ll consider employing them. They throw those applications right in the trash. Gotta know what a name means. My name is Darryl. That means “beloved”. My manager’s name is Gary. That means “warrior.” Da’Quan means “not hiring.” People always go, “What about Barack? He had a ethnic name, and he ascended to the presidency.” Well, Barack had two things behind his name a lot of motherfuckers don’t– like “Harvard” and “graduate.” [applause and whistling] You got that shit behind your name, it don’t matter what’s in front. If your name is Da’Quan, and you went to DeVry… get ready to drop a lot of fries. You gonna be smelling like food your whole career. “Those are fries. Da’Quan must be home.” My wife was on the step ladder a couple years ago trying to change some overhead lights. Fell off the step ladder. Trying to break her fall, shattered both her wrists. Have you any idea how hard it is to take a woman to the hospital with two broke wrists after this Ray Rice bullshit? Doctors never even act like they believed me. “So she fell.” She gonna try to be funny. “He said he won’t do it again.” Now I got to go talk to these people ’cause you want to fuck around. See… You ever begged your woman for sex so much, they give up? “Fuck it! Fuck it! Take it! Take it!” “But don’t take my panties all the way off. Just…” “Just move them to the side.” Ain’t that the laziest shit? You ever see this? “Hurry up!” “Hurry up!” “No, it ain’t your birthday.” “That hole is for birthdays, anniversaries… and when I shot too much.” “You want them red bottoms. Now you gonna have one.” ♪ Bloody shoes ♪ My wife got mad at me ’cause I got life insurance on me, and I didn’t get any on her. “You didn’t get any life insurance on me.” I said, “Well, baby, you don’t work.” “That’s not right. What’ll happen to you guys if something were to happen to me?” “We gonna be sad.” “We ain’t gonna have to move or no shit like that, I guess.” “Kids are gonna get a 32-year-old Puerto Rican stepmother. -That the fuck gonna happen.” -[groaning and laughter] Oh, yes. I’ve been with a black woman my whole life. Something happen to her, I’m out, I’m out, I’m out. I’ve done my time. Fuck y’all. You happy for Serena? Be happy for me, goddamn it. My wife said, “I love you so much, if something were to happen, I don’t know if I’d get married again. Would you get married?” “Not at the funeral, but eventually.” That’d be awkward. Turned 54, I had to get a colonoscopy for 45 minutes. Doctor said, “You’ll be unconscious for 45 minutes. Give your wife all your valuables.” I gave her my watch, wallet, my ring. I gave her my cell phone, but I realized I would be unconscious for 45 minutes. I made them roll me back in and get my cell phone. I went to the operating room my phone on my chest like this. “Wakanda forever!” “Nah, Sprint.” You ever been a man, left your phone at home on the way to work? Man will turn around in the middle of the freeway. [screeching] -[knocks] -“Come on, Stacey, open the door.” “I forgot my phone.” “You’re acting strange about this phone. I wanna see it. I want to see your phone.” “Let me pack my shit up first.” [laughter and applause] “You ain’t gonna burn all my good shirts up, that’s all.” Cell phones are ruining relationships. Years from now, on your deathbed with your whole family around, doctor walks in, “We’ve done all we can. We don’t think he’ll make it through the night. He’s uttering his last words.” Your wife, “Is he telling you how much he loves us?” “Well, no.” He said, “Erase my call history.” “He doesn’t want you calling his other family.” “You’ll meet them at the funeral, like God intended.” You got a side baby, you can’t leave them pictures in there with your regular ones. You leave that side baby in the back with the receipts. “Whose baby is this?” “Uh, that came with the wallet.” A man will wake up from a coma rather than let you fuck with his phone. “He’s in a coma. He’s non-responsive.” Your wife, “Grab his phone.” Oh. Oh. [laughter] “I believe there are signs of life.” Now they got a generation of children called millennials. By all accounts, they are supposed to be the most educated generation that existed. I got three grown-ass millennials that live at home with me. I paid for all of them and my wife to graduate from college. I got a GED, but I’m the only one working. I’m like… “One of these things is not like the other.” You know how dumb you are when you pay somebody smart’s bills? “Well, we don’t have any money.” “Hey, let’s go ask the dummy.” My oldest daughter went to USC, youngest daughter went to school online. You can’t be proud of that shit. “Daddy, we off for three weeks for the holidays.” “How the fuck you off on online school?” “What, you unplug your computer for three weeks?” “You coming to my graduation?” “Well, if the cable’s still on, I guess we’ll go by.” I just hope it ain’t on Sunday. Power come on on Sunday. I can’t… I can’t do nothing till I find out what Ghost gonna do.” There are some advantages to having your child go to online school. If there’s a school shooting, you really ain’t got shit to worry about. “Daddy, they shooting the school.” “Well, log off.” Ta-da. I’m a hero again. “I got to go. Your mama done made me a casserole.” My only son is autistic. He has Asperger’s, yet he’s managed to graduate from college. He’s holding down two jobs. My son even drive. My son drive, but I don’t ride with that motherfucker. I ain’t getting in the car with Rain Man. Fuck y’all. Shit. Let that motherfucker take me to the airport one time. He chased a butterfly for six miles. How come I didn’t get the one that was good at blackjack? Shit. You got a child that’s afflicted, you got to lower your expectations. I saw y’all with your little bumper stickers on your car. “My son is a honor student.” “Well, my son tied his shoe.” [laughter and applause] I love him, man. Got to be honest with him, though. He said, “Dad, I know I have Asperger Syndrome, and I know it’s hard on you and Mom. If you could have any other son, would you?” “Yes. Yes. Yes.” [laughter and applause] “Now come on. Let’s get some of this casserole your mama made for me.” My son came to me in January 2015. “Dad, I don’t have any friends. Don’t have a girlfriend. I’m socially awkward. I want to kill myself.” “Son, I love you too much. I can never let that happen. Whatever we got to do, I’m-a work it out with you, man.” So I hired him on my radio show. We started riding together, work together. Father and son, bonding in ways we never got to when he was young. He started getting more confident, going on dates, now he got a girlfriend. Now my son is normal as fuck. I don’t know what causes autism, but I know the cure is pussy, goddamn it. [loud laughter and applause] My son fucked his mind right. The bad part about him, he don’t know how to lie at all. My wife said, “Are you having sex in my house?” He looked her dead in the eye and said, “Every chance I get. Uh-huh.” [inaudible] My son has a white girlfriend. My daughters, they have black dudes. So like a lot of America, I’m-a have white grandkids and black grandkids, and I have decided to treat them differently, like the world does. “White grandkids, y’all get dressed up. Papa’ll take you out to get ice cream. -Now you n i g g a s clean this house.” -[loud laughter] “Take that Black Lives Matter shirt off. You’re scaring Tatum.” “Don’t worry, Tatum. Papa’ll take you to get some citronella.” My daughter said, “What if I marry somebody from India?” “Well, your baby gonna be on tech support.” “Hey, Anish, go fix the Internet for your Papa.” My grandbaby’s a Uber driver. “Papa taking you to get some deodorant. This don’t make no goddamn sense.” [laughter] Occasionally, my son will hire hookers, man. He hires them and my wife don’t like it, man, but you know… I seen what happens when dudes with Asperger Syndrome get sexually frustrated. A school get shot up, so… I’d rather him hire a ho than me sleep with my door locked, so…. When my son have a bad day, everybody in the house is concerned. “You all right?” “Me and your mama gonna sleep for a couple of days at the Holiday Inn.” My wife gets so mad at me. “I can’t believe you let your child hire a whore.” “If he hires prostitutes, he will never know love.” I’m like, “Love? Love is expensive.” “He bought a ho, but I had to buy you a house.” Y’all been great, Philadelphia. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. [cheering]

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David Chappelle: SNL monologue [November 12, 2016] – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/david-chappelles-snl-monologue-2016-transcript/

Saturday Night Live Season 42 Episode 6 on November 12, 2016 with host Dave Chappelle Transcript of Dave Chappelle’s opening monologue from November 12, 2016 “Saturday Night Live.” The comedian hosted the late night show for the first time and he joked about Donald Trump being elected president and how being rich changed his life. * * * Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you again. You know, been a long time. It’s been a long time. So please be patient. You know, I didn’t know that Donald Trump was going to win the election. I did suspect it. It seemed like Hillary was doing well in the polls and yet — I know the whites. You guys aren’t as full of surprises as you used to be. And I think I speak for all of black America when I say that we are all praying for Omarosa. I don’t even know what she’s doing in the news. But America’s done it. We’ve actually elected an Internet troll as our president. The whites were furious. I’ve never seen anything like it. I haven’t seen whites this mad since the O.J. verdict. White people screaming on both sides, “Aahhh!” I’m not saying I’m enjoying it — I’m just saying I’ve never seen this before. I watched a white riot in Portland, Oregon, on television the other night. News said they did a million dollars’ worth of damage. Every black person was watching that like, “amateurs.” So I’m staying out of it. I’m just going to take a knee like Kaepernick and let the whites figure this out among themselves. Know what I mean? We’ve been here before, we’ve been here before. And I don’t even think it’s the most important thing we’re dealing with. Don’t forget. Don’t forget all the things that are going on. Shootings. What you think about that? All these shootings in the last year. The worst mass shootings in the history of the United States. Pulse Nightclub, which they said ISIS did, and it turned out that wasn’t exactly what happened. If that is what happened, then ISIS is scarier than I thought, because they have very deep cover operatives. “Look out I’m going out deep for this one, I might have to get a Grindr account, and jerk a few guys off, to throw them off the trail.” I don’t think the guy was in ISIS. What happened was he pledged allegiance to ISIS before he did what he did, which is not the same as being in ISIS, you know what I mean? Like, if I was going to have sex with a girl (and) right before I did, I screamed out “Wu-Tang!” — that don’t mean I’m in the Wu-Tang Clan. I’m just shouting Wu-Tang out. There’s more shootings than I can literally count. You can’t even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting out there. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati Police said “Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department has ever had to make.” I said, “Well, you about to see a lot of n i g g a s in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati.” Why do we have to say that? Why do we have to say that black lives matter? Now I admit that is not the best slogan, but McDonald’s already took, “You deserve a break today.” And I guess it’s kind of catchy because everyone else is biting it. Even the police is biting it: Blue lives matter. What, was you born a police? That is not a blue life. That’s a blue suit. If you don’t like it, take that blue suit off, find a new job, ’cause I’m going to tell you right now, if I could quit being black today, I’d be out of the game. I did the next best thing: I became a rich black person. Which is harder than you think, because, you know, your life becomes gentrified. Like Brooklyn. All your black friends start moving out and all these new white friends start moving in. You find yourself saying things to friends you grew up with that you never dreamed you’d say. “Sorry, you can’t come with us, there’s only enough room in the balloon basket for four. Ta ta.” Donald Trump, he did it. He’s our president. I feel bad saying it. I’m staying at the Trump Hotel right now. I don’t know if he’s going to make a good president, but he makes a swell hotel suite, I tell you that. Housekeeping comes in in the morning, cleans my room. And I just, “Hey, good morning, housekeeping.” Grab a big handful of pussy, and say, you know, boss said it was okay. Sorry about that, Lorne. All my black friends who have money said the same thing when Trump got elected: “That’s it, bro, I’m out. I’m leaving the country, you coming with us?” Nah, I’m good dog, I’m going to stay here and get this tax break, see how it works out. That’s how it is being Dave Chappelle. The first time I got some money, it didn’t work out like that. The most unlikely thing happened ever. A black president came out of nowhere, like “Come on everybody, let’s start thinking about everyone else.” Ah, n i g g a, I just got this money! I didn’t think you was possible! Trump went to go see Obama last week, did you see that? Yeah. You see Trump’s face when he came out of the meeting? Trump got sonned. He looked shook. Trump looked like he got shook. Probably came in there, “How are you, Mr. President? Good to see you.” “Hello, Donald. How ya feeling?” “Oh, God. Got to tell you, this job looks like it’s going to be a lot harder than I thought.” “Really? It’s not that hard, I mean at least you get to be white while you’re doing it.” “I’m just saying, I’m a little nervous.” “Nervous? Come on man, relax, you haven’t even met the aliens yet. It’s going to be all right.” I don’t know what he’s going to do. But I know Obama did a good job. Obama did a good job. I think we’ll all miss him when he’s gone, do you agree with this? And thank God he lived to tell about it. This is the first black dude that ever heard America’s secrets. I’m happy he lived. If — if someone threatened our president, that is the only time that I’d want him to be stereotypically black. They’d be on the news like, “An assassination attempt was carried out today on the United States president. In a bizarre sequence of events, the president himself was armed, fired back, killing four people that had nothing to do with the incident. He then ripped off his shirt, screamed out ‘Chi-town’ for some reason.” You know, before I go, I do want to say one thing, and this is not a joke. But I think it’s important that I say this, ’cause they’re marching up the street right now as we speak. A few weeks ago I went to the White House for a party. It was the first time I’ve been there in many years and it was very exciting. And BET sponsored the party, so everyone there was black. And it was beautiful. I walked through the gates — you know, I’m from Washington, so I saw the bus stop, or the corner where the bus stop used to be, where I used to catch the bus to school and dream about nights like tonight. It was a really, really beautiful night. At the end of the night everyone went into the West Wing of the White House and it was a huge party. And everybody in there was black — except for Bradley Cooper, for some reason. And on the walls were pictures of all the presidents, of the past. Now, I’m not sure if this is true, but to my knowledge the first black person that was officially invited to the White House was Frederick Douglass. They stopped him at the gates. Abraham Lincoln had to walk out himself and escort Frederick Douglass into the White House, and it didn’t happen again, as far as I know, until Roosevelt was president. Roosevelt was president, he had a black guy over and got so much flack from the media that he literally said, “I will never have a n i g g e r in this house again.” I thought about that, and I looked at that black room, and saw all those black faces, and Bradley, and I saw how happy everybody was. These people who had been historically disenfranchised. It made me feel hopeful and it made me feel proud to be an American and it made me very happy about the prospects of our country. So, in that spirit, I’m wishing Donald Trump luck. And I’m going to give him a chance, and we, the historically disenfranchised, demand that he give us one too. Thank you very much.

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John Mulaney: Snl Monologue (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2018-transcript/

Original air date: April 14, 2018 Host John Mulaney discusses his time as a Saturday Night Live writer and shares how he’s gotten grumpier as he’s gotten older. * * * Ladies and gentlemen — John Mulaney. ♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” [Cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here is just surreal. I mean, I used to write monologues for the hosts, now I’m up here, I get to give the monologue. I get to introduce the musical guest. I mean, that’s incredible. The best intro, by the way, I ever saw of an “SNL” host with a musical best was sir Patrick Stewart. And he was introducing the musical guest. And this is how he did it. He went, “ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!” Like — like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been like, we can’t find Pepa anywhere. And he’s like “if we must go on with salt alone, we will go on with salt alone!” They’re like, “three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door, and he’s like, “ladies and gentlemen, Salt — and what’s this? Pepa!” [Laughter] It was the best time. It was an innocent time, you know? What I was younger I thought the world was going to be simple and nice. But now at the end of my life — [laughter] I’m not so sure. I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like. Like I don’t like any new songs. I don’t like any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night. And how we only have tonight. That’s the message in 90% of songs. That’s such 19-year-old garbage. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “tonight’s no good, how about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday, okay, then let’s not see each other for six months, and it doesn’t matter at all.” I try to stay polite. I’m overly polite, apparently, my wife says. When my wife and I walk down the street, we have totally different styles. When she walks down the street, she does not care what anyone thinks about her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. [Laughter] People ask us if we’re going to have children. We don’t have any. So we say, no. They go, never? You’re never going to have kids? I’m like, I don’t know never. Look. 14 Years ago I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Strange the passage of time. I like old-fashioned things, you know? I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff. [Laughter] Really, okay. One day in Connecticut — it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo. [Laughter] And there was a plaque on the gazebo. And it said this gazebo was built by the town in 1863. That’s in the middle of the Civil War. And they built a gazebo. [Laughter] How did that town meeting work? They were like, all right, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here, everyone’s husband and brother and everyone died, okay. Josiah, you had something? Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walking through the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still want to hold hands? Well may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo! [Applause] Building a gazebo during the Civil War. Would be like doing standup comedy now. [Laughter] They used to do weird, slow, leisurely activities in the old days. Because they didn’t have enough to do so they had to fill the day. You woke up back then, oh, god, it’s the old days. I’ve got to wear all those layers. We’ve got to think of weird, slow activities to fill the time. And they did. Have you ever seen like old film from the past? Of people just like waving at a ship? [Laughter] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday there’s a Norwegian cruise line leaving for Martinique. Around 10:00 a.m. Here’s my plan. You and I get very dressed up, including hats. And we wave handkerchiefs at the ship till it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship. [Laughter] Everything is fast now and it’s totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots. And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot. Just because we’re trying to logon and look at our own stuff. [Laughter] Multiple times a day. May I see my stuff, please? Huh. I smell a robot. Prove, prove! Prove you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters! [Laughter] Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these! [Laughter] You look mortal if need be. You look and you type what you think you see. Is it an “e”? Or is it a “3”? That’s a “p.” The passwords have passed, you’ve correctly guessed. But now it’s time for the robot test! [Laughter] I devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it? [Laughter] [applause] What? [Cheers and applause] You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean. [Laughter] Ladies and gentlemen. We have a great show for you, Jack White is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back. [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪

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Louis C.K.: SNL Monologue May 16, 2015 – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-snl-monologue-2015-transcript/

Host Louis C.K. discusses what it was like growing up in the 1970s, when it was okay to be racist and everyone knew about the town child molester. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.! … [into the microphone] Thank you very much, you guys! … [the audience cheers] Hi. A little early for that. Well, thank you very much for being here. This is the 40th year of this show’s existence and this is the finale so I’m very honored honestly to be asked to host it. So thanks and I’m glad you guys are here. Yeah, that’s fine. Anyway, I was born in 1967, so I grew up in the ’70s. So I’m not racist — however, I do have mild racism. It’s the best I could do coming out of the seventies because that was a very racist decade. People said racist things all the time and nobody got offended. The only time someone got offended if you said something racist in the 70s is when they would then say ‘Hey you interrupted me, I was saying something racist, why did you interrupt me?’ So I have mild racism. It’s benign, it’s not aggressive. It’s not even negative racism, it’s mild racism. I’ll give you the example. If I go to a pizza place I’ve never been to before, and it’s run by four black women. I’ll go like. “Hm…” See, it’s very mild! It’s extremely mild racism. I’d noticed that. “Hm, you don’t usually see that, four black women running a pizza place…” Unless it’s called “Four Black Girls Pizza,” or something like that. — Like that’s the all point of the place. Here’s another example of mild racism. If I’m in a hospital and the doctor comes in to treat me and the doctor is from China or India, I’ll think “well, good, good… good, more of that! Why not?” It’s very mild racism. This is another example. If I’m in a gas station late at night and a young man comes in wearing a hooded sweatshirt… if he’s white I’ll think “oh he’s an athlete.” If he’s black, unless he has a big smile on his face, that I’ll become mildly racist and this is what I think, I think “That’s fine. Everything is fine! Nothing is gonna happened. No, of course, I’m fine. Why would I even think that for a second!” This because I was raised in the seventies. The seventies were very different time. Everything was different in the 70’s than it is now, except the Middle East. It’s exactly the same as it was in the seventies. It’s been the same fights and you know what, it’s boring now, that’s the worst part of it. When I was a kid we’re like “Uhh…” but you can’t go like this for a 1000 years. After awhile when you fight people don’t care, ’cause when you both just keep fighting everybody is just like ‘Those guys are dicks, they just fight.’ That’s what it’s like… I have 2 kids and they fight sometimes. When they first start fighting I get concerned. I go in the room and I’m like “Hey what’s going on? What’s wrong? Are we having some feelings? Can we listen to each other please? Can we please just listen to each other? Okay, you go first.” And she goes– she’s like– [bickering sound] “Hmm…yeah, that sounds hard.” [bickering sound continues] “Okay, okay, thank you thank you. Okay, now you… [bickering harsher sound] ‘Cause I like this one a little more so that’s why I’m making… [bickering harsher sound continues] Hmm… And they work it out. You help them working it out. But if they keep fighting, you stop doing that. After a while you just go in the room and you just go “HEY! JUST SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! YOU’RE BOTH WRONG! ‘Cause you won’t stop fighting! You’re in a family, there’s other people in this family and you’re being a couple selfish little bitches that won’t fix anything! You’ll share a room, we can’t afford another room, so just deal with it!” Somehow this has to do with Israel and Palestine… I don’t remember now. It is because my kids are like Israel and Palestine, and I’m like America. The little one is like Palestine because she always gets screwed, she gets the worse deals. She’s like “she threw a rock at my face!” I’m like “You’re fine. You have a great life, you take a rock to face once in a while, you’re fine. The older one is like Israel. She comes up to me, ‘She burned all my dolls.’ I’m like, ‘Look, I can’t do anything about it right now. Your sister is crazy. Please don’t make me talk to her. I’ll work it out you and me, okay? We’ll go out and I’ll buy you a really cool missile… and you do whatever you want with it, is totally up to you.’ The seventies were very different. In the seventies there was a child molester that lived in my hometown. It wasn’t a big deal. We called him a child molester, it was just like “yeah, that’s the house where the child molester lives. Hey kids, don’t be stupid, you’ll get molested. Just stay away from the child molester’s house. I know because he did something to me when I was your age. So just stay away from the child molester’s house.” We had a town child molester, his name was Jean Baptiste, this is a true story. He liked teenage boys, that’s when you would find out because I was a teenage boy. He didn’t like me and I felt a little bad. [in a French accent] “Not you…” He wasn’t into me. But he would drive next to teenage boys and would say “Hello, would you like to go to McDonald’s?” And you’d be, like “No.” And he’d be like “Why? You don’t like McDonald’s?” And then you were trapped because of course everybody liked McDonald’s, it was the seventies. And then I had one friend who used to get in the car and he’d like “Sure, I’ll go,” and he’d get in the car. He’d go to McDonald’ss, eat a burger and say “See you” and he’d just take off. And Jean Baptiste was like “duoghhh.” But he would always try, “Maybe this time!!!” Because child molesters are very tenacious people. They love molesting childs [sic], it’s crazy. It’s like their favorite thing. I mean it’s so crazy because when you consider the risk in being a child molester—speaking not of even the damage you’re doing, but the risk—there is no worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester and yet they still do it. Which from, you can only really surmise, that it must be really good. I mean from their point of view, not ours, but from their point of view, it must be amazing for them to risk so much! How do you think I feel? This is my last show, probably. Look, I can’t key into it. Because I love Mounds bars, I love Mounds bars, it’s my favorite thing right, but there’s a limit. I can’t even eat a Mounds bar and do something else at the same time, that’s how much I love them. Like if I’m eating a Mounds bar I cant read the paper. I have to just sit there with it in my mouth, and go “Why is this so good? I love this so much.” Because they are delicious, and yet if somebody said to me “if you eat another Mounds bar you will go to jail and everyone will hate you,” I would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don’t taste as good as a young boy does—and shouldn’t!—to a child molester, not to me! Not to us, because we’re all awesome. All right, we did it. We got through it.

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Sarah Silverman: Saturday Night Live Monologue – SEASON 40 | EPISODE 2 | 10/04/2014 – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silvermans-monologue-saturday-night-live-2014-transcript/

Sarah Silverman’s Monologue Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sarah Silverman! Sarah Silverman: Thank you so much! Wow… it is SO crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Um… [she pauses] I meean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says that it’s so crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m a pretty big comedian… It kinda makes ALL the sense in the world! Uh… tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, and, uh… [a lone audience member claps] Thank you…? [she winces] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there: I promise you, God will mind if you wear a nice cotten blend in the summer. You are being ridiculous! Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, um… I guess I’m know as a “blue” comedian, which is… I find that annoying, it kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as a… as an IMPORTANT comedian. Anyway, because of this, uh, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after Dress Rehearsal. Like here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Wally? [cut to Wally holding up a cue card with everything blacked out except for “Black Guy” and “God’s Mouth”] Yeah! Guys, it was such a cute joke! It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing REALLY hard at it during Dress, like almost too hard at it. Screw it. Can I just, um… [she looks around] Is there like a handheld mike, or a…? [a microphone is handed to her] Oh! Thank you. Let’s get real! Come on! This is live television! Let’s go among the people! [she approaches a young woman] How are you? Can I sit in your lap? [she sits in the woman’s lap] Ohhhh… this feels nice! What is your name? Lindsey: It’s Lindsey. Sarah Silverman: It’s Lindsey? Lindsey: Mmm-hmm. Sarah Silverman: Oh, um, I’m Sarah. Lindsey: Hi! Sarah Silverman: You know that. Uh, Lindsey, I want to tell you something that’s really important: You’re beautiful… and you… deserve love… and… I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any schmo on the street. Um… and I love you. Lindsey: [she chokes] Thank you…! Sarah Silverman: Your turn. Lindsey: [laughing] You’re amazing? Sarah Silverman: Aww. Lindsey: And you’re beautiful. Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! Lindsey: And you’re smart! [she laughs] Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative. Lindsey: [laughing] You’re my favorite. Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! [she pushes the microphone closer to Lindsey’s face] You know what it is, Lindsey, it’s like… I get sad sometimes. Like, I feel like… it’s over… In terms of like I’m never gonna be carried again. You know what I mean? Like, we’re grown-ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parents’ party and overhear adults going like: [whispering] “I got her.” “No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. Amd it makes me sad. It’s like, I want to be carried. I want to be… bathed and cared for. I want to get my hair shampooed, you know, like a… like a little child or a princess, or… a quadraplegic, I guess. Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. [glancing down] Am I sitting on your phone? Lindsey: No. No, you’re good! Sarah Silverman: [grimaces] Oh… I want to think of an app! Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million-dollar app? Let’s think of that million-dollar app! God… I was thinking, like an hour ago, wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you when all of your friends were taking a doody? I was pretty excited. I would pay ninety-nine cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. It’s like… I think it’s called “Words With Friends”? How old are you? Lindsey: 32. Sarah Silverman: You are? Ohh, you’re 32! You’re only little, you don’t know nothin’. Here’s some advice: If you’re ever drunk at a party, and you throw up at a party… I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like… a “Ta-daaa!” Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [she hands the microphone to Lindesey] You can have that. You can have that! [Sarah returns to the stage, as the crowd applauds wildly] Sarah Silverman: Ohhh, God… this feels so right! I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean, this is the first time I’ve hosted, but I have been on this stage before. I, um… I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90’s, and… I wasn’t in much, but a lot of times I’d mostly be, like, a “plant” in the audience, you know, asking fake questions to the host during the monologue, and, uh… [she looks into the audience] Yes, you — you have a question? [cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Rosie O’Donnell’s monologue] Young Sarah Silverman: I think you’re great! I love you! Sarah Silverman: [touched] Awwwww! I love you MORE! Alright, you have a question for me, sweetie? Young Sarah Silverman: Are you going to be doing any solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips? Sarah Silverman: GREAT question! You know, um… I left Wilson Phillips because I felt it really wasn’t my thing any more, and, uh, I’m not sure about a solo album, though the album of my stand-up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [the audience applauds, as she looks into the audience again] Oh — yes? [cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Jeff Golblum’s monologue] Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh — What did you feed the dinosaurs? Sarah Silverman: Uh… [she laughs] What is this, Pretty Girl in the Audience Night? It’s crazy! Um… of course, the stegosauruses are the worst, they only eat plants. But the T-Rexes are carnivores — they’d be more inclined to eat you, ’cause you’re delicious! Let’s take a… [she points into the audience] Yes, you, Sparkleface over here. [cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Nancy Kerrigan’s monologue] Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh… what makes the human knee bend? Sarah Silverman: Okay. Um… Well, the knee is technically a joint, where the tibia and femur meet. Right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisky. I hope that helps, and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next twenty years. I have a feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say: “We have got a GREAT show for you tonight! ALL of Maroon 5 is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!”

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Louis C.K.: SNL Monologue S39E16 [03/29/14] – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-snl-monologue-march-29-2014-full-transcript/

Saturday Night Live Season 39: Episode 16 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.! [the audience cheers and applauds wildly] Louis C.K.: Well, thank you! Thank you very much. Wow! Wow! Wow, thank you! Thanks! That’s very nice, I hope somebody does that for you some day. That was a very nice thing. I hope you had a nice day. All I can do about it is hope. I had a pretty good day — I went out shopping for some things I needed… and now I on’t need them, ’cause I’ve got them. I got a white noise machine. Do you know what those are, a white noise machine? That’s a machine that helps white people sleep at night. Because, uh, you should be able to. I’m a little hungry. I mean, I feel hungry. I think that’s what… Americans shouldn’t say “I’m hungry,” they should say “I feel hungry.” If you ate today, you shouldn’t say “I’m hungry.” Hunger’s a real thing. I don’t have “third world” hunger. I have “first” world hunger. I would like a donut. Some people say “I’m starving.” That’s offensive! [mimicking] “I’m STARVING! I haven’t eaten since TWO, I’m STARVING!” Don’t say that! Because some people ARE starving, and THEY don’t say it! You never see a little kid in Africa with his ribs showing, he’s like, “I’m STARVING right now! I’m like literally starving TO DEATH! It’s, like, ANNOYING!” I have two kids. I went to my daughter’s play the other day. I don’t know if you have a kid, but there’s no more joyful feeling in the human experience than when a child’s play… is over. It’s just… nothing feels that good, when you can say “I’m not watching that ANY LONGER!” Now, every second my daughter’s on stage, I can’t breathe because I’m so proud of her… but this is a bad show. They worked really hard and it didn’t make it good. I’m glad I’m raising a girl, though, because boys are, uh… uh… I don’t like boys! That’s probably a good thing, you’d say! I don’t like boys! I don’t! I mean, I don’t think women are better than men, uh… but I do think that men are worse than women. Like, I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, “What happened?” He goes: “Well, I guess I, uh… I guess I said something, and, uh… and then she got her FEELINGS HURT!” That’s a weird way to phrase it: “She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then sheeee…” Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? “She got her feelings hurt.” It’s like saying, “Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don’t know what happened. He leaned into it.” I’ve never been murdered. I’m gonna die someday, I accept that. I don’t know what happens afterward. Some people say that they’re going to Heaven: “I’m totally going to Heaven!” By the way this is the only voice that I’m gonna do. It’s the only voice I have. I can’t, like, do impressions. For instance, this is my impression of the President: “I’m the first Black president!. I’m literally the first Black president.” I don’t know, do you guys think there’s a Heaven? Clap your hands if you think you’re going to Heaven. [the audience claps wildly] You think you’re to Heaven? Girl: Yes. Louis C.K.: Really? How old are you? Girl: 21. Louis C.K.: 21… and you’re a LOCK for Heaven already? You’ve been a grown-up for three years and you couldn’t possibly make a mistake. Well, good luck! Personally, I don’t think there’s a Heaven. I think maybe there’s a God… but there’s no Heaven. I think that’s the best news you’re gonna get. You die, and you’re like, “Hey, God!” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And you’re like, “Where’s Heaven?” And he’s like, “I don’t know who’s telling people that! I’m supposed to make a whole universe, and then another whole amazing place for afterwards?! You guys are greedy DICKS down there!” “Well, where do I go?” “Just stand in this ROOM with me now!” “I don’t like it.” “Tell me about it, I’ve been here since 1983!” Or whenever… I don’t know when God started, but… I’m not religious! I don’t know if there’s a God, but that’s all I can say, honestly, is I don’t know! Some people think that they know that there isn’t. That’s a weird thing to think you can know. “Yeah, there’s no God!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah — No, there’s no God!” “How do you know?” “Because I didn’t see him!” “How do you –? There’s a VAST universe! You can see for about a hundred yards when there’s not a building in the way! How could you possibly –? Did you look everywhere? Did you look in the downstairs bathroom, where he goes sometimes?” “I haven’t seen him!” “Yeah, well, I haven’t seen Twelve Years a Slave yet, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist! I’m just gonna wait until it comes on cable!” I think if there is a God, I don’t know if it’s the one in the Bible, ’cause that’s a weird story if he’s our father and we’re his children. That’s it. “Our Father who art in Heaven.” Where’s our Mother? What happened to our Mom? What did he do to our Mom? Something happened. Somewhere in Heaven, there’s a porch with a dead lady under it and I want this story! Somebody’s gotta check the trunk of God’s car… for bleach and rope and fibers. How can we not have a Mother?! At least, maybe God’s divorced. Maybe he has an ex-wife. God’s a single dad and he’s raising us alone… and we’re praying, and he’s like, “I’M TRYING!! It’s just ME up here!!” Maybe that’s what’s going on. Maybe your life is your time — This is our weekend with Dad. That’s what life is… is your weekend… and then when you die, you go to Mom’s house. It makes sense that God would be a woman, doesn’t it? Because you’re raised by your mom. I think the reason we made God a man in our culture is because we want to make sense of the fact that men are in charge. ‘Cause otherwise it doesn’t really make any sense, because women — you start with a woman. It’s that thing people like to ask me: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Of course it’s the egg! Because you can’t just make a chicken. You can’t just go: “CHICKEN!” You gotta start with an egg and then grow a chicken. But then, people say, “Well, where did the egg come from?” From a chicken, you idiot! The point is: Women birthed us, women raised us. So why aren’t they running things? I think I know why. I think it’s because, millions of years ago, women were in charge, and they were mean, they were horrible! They made us walk around naked, and then they’d laugh at you and flick your penis when you walk by… They were AWFUL! But what could you do? It’s your Mom and her friends, like what could you possibly do about it? And then one guy punched his mom, and we’re like: “We can hit them!” And then we did the whole thing. But that’s why men are mean to women today, because we’re TERRIFIED of them. That’s why we didn’t give women the right to vote until 1920. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building who are older than American democracy. That’s how… women had to have a rough time. It was SO okay to beat your wife until so recently, that today we have a kind of shirt named after it! There’s a piece of clothing in our country, affectionately nicknamed after beating the crap out of your wife! And, for some reason, this is offensive to NOBODY! I saw a woman on “Good Morning, America!”, and she was saying, “So I was walking around my house in a wifebeater…” I’m like, “Stop SAYING that!! It’s HORRIBLE!! “I’m wearing a wifebeater and child murder shorts…” Che-e-e-eck!! We have a GREAT show — Sam Smith is here! Stick around! WE’ll be right back.

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Louis C.K.: SNL Monologue S38E06 [11/03/12] – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-ck-snl-monologue-s38e06-2012-transcript/

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.! Louis C.K.: Thank you! [he grabs a microphone handed to him] Thank you. Thank you very much. [into the microphone] Thank you very much, you guys! Uh — great to be here! We’re in New York, uh, there was a hurricane, but we are still here. The city’s standing… [the audience cheers] A city that can really take a punch, and, uh… today they turned the power back on, which is great because, uh, now we can go back to using wayyyyy too much electricity, like INSAAAAANE amounts of eletricity! We went from zero electricity… to a criminal amount of electricity! Like, last night, everybody had a candle, like… [posing] “E-ben-e-zerrr!” And today, I had, like, FIVE hair dryers going — WHOO-OO-OO!! I turned on the heat and the air conditioning and, like, let them FIGHT in the apartment. I, uh — I was stuck at the airport, because of this mess. I was in the airport, and this old lady fell down. [ an audience member chuckles ] Okay, that’s funny. Fine. She’s dead — I hope you’re okay with that. Just kidding! She’s not. Well, she might be dead. Anybody who I’m not looking at might dead. But, anyway — this old lady, she falls down and she’s like, “Arrgggghh!!” and she just falls. And — you know when old ladies fall, and all of a sudden, they’re like… inappropriate? You’re like, “Euugh!” all of a sudden, I have a working knowledge of lingerie in the ’20’s. So she falls down, and me and all these people are: “Whoaaa!!” There’s always one second, when an old lady falls down, where no one’s helping her yet. There’s like a little hesitation where we’re all looking at each other. It’s like a game of Decency Chicken, where you’re not sure it has to be you. You’re kind of hoping you can go, “Ohhhhhh…. good job, buddy! Alright, he got her!” Anyway, I lost this particular game. I was, like, “Ohhhhhhhh… seriously? Oh, my God…” So here, I had to pick up an old lady who I don’t know… I’m stretching her sweater, she’s like, “Aggghhhh!” I’m like, “Come on, lock ’em up! What, are you a baby deer? Just stand! You were standing eight seconds ago! Don’t pretend you never did it! I’m not a physical therapist, I’m a stranger. Just get up!” Finally, I got her up… and she looks at me and she goes, “I don’t know where to go!” Oh, come on! That’s not fair! I thought I was helping an old lady; now, I have an old lady! This now MY old lady that I have in my life. So — and she’s worthless! She just hands me over stuff: “I don’t know how to do it!” She has a passport with a black-and-white picture and, like, a different alphabet on it. An itinerary of onion-skin paper from some travel agency in a village somewhere. I’m, like, “How do you not know how to get around? You’ve probably been a refugee, like, eight times in your life already. You were on a muddy road with all stuff in a cart, people throwing rocks at you. Some kid with a big, Jewey hat next to you! I don’t know! Why can’t you navigate Terminal 8 at JFK?” Okay, so I have to help her; I’ve already been kind, I can’t switch. So… I’m, like, “Let’s go!” She’s moving at a… negative speed. Like she’s sucking space into her body, instead of moving through it. And she’s telling me all her stuff: “My husband died! I used to travel with him, but then he died! So I don’t know.” I’m, like, “Oh. Well, maybe you should have educated yourself while he was alive. That would have been really useful today. Maybe if you fed him less pork, I don’t know. Maybe some of this is your fault, lady… and none of it’s mine.” Anyway, we sat there at her gate, for, like, two hours… and she, uh… she said a bunch of stuff that changed my life and I’ll never forget her, but… That’s the boring part! You don’t need to hear that! “Oh, yeah… I thought I giving to her, she gave back tenfold and all, she’s precious forever and ever to me…” But she really was amazing. Like, I got her on the plane, and, right before she got on, she turned around and she stuck her old gypsy finger in my face, and she said, “I shall never forget you!” And I was crying! It was intense! I love old ladies! I really do! I connect with old ladies. Because they don’t care! They say whatever! The filter comes off around 72. 8-year old boys and old ladies have the same sense of propriety. Because old ladies are on the way out. They’re like a guy who just got fired, and he’s leaving the office with his box for the last time: “You’re fat!” “Never liked you!” They just say whatever. And old ladies talk to you in the middle of just — I’m walking through a supermarket, and there’s always an old lady, like, “This is ridiculous!” I’m like, “I know! Don’t buy it!” I connect with old ladies! They’re my favorite demographic of person. I wish that I desired them… sexually. I really do wish that I could get a boner from an old lady! Because, then I’d be SET! I could find an old lady, and spend the rest of her life with her… We’ve got a great show, folks! Fun is here. So stick around, and we will be right back!

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Joe Rogan: Strange Times (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-strange-times-transcript/

[indistinct chattering] [faint laughter] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh! What the fuck, Boston? Goddamn! Thank you. It’s good to be here. Good to be back. Fuck! I love it. Goddamn it! Good to see happy people… having a good time. It’s a tense world we’re living in today. You got a president that’s threatening to fight an ex-vice president. [laughter] You pay attention to that shit? It’s a couple weeks ago on Twitter. Donald Trump said that if he fought Joe Biden, Joe Biden would go down fast and hard. [laughter] I want to get in his ear. I’ll be like, “Let’s make this happen, bro.” [laughter] There’s money on the table. I’ll commentate for free. [laughter] No rules, grow your nails out, wear a diaper. No clothes. To the death. [laughter] Fuck it. Let’s bring this thing totally down. Seems like every day you turn on the news, more and more crazy shit. When are we going to realize we shouldn’t have a fucking president? It’s a ridiculous idea to have a popularity contest to see who controls everything. Because if you could go back in time and grab Thomas Jefferson and bring him to 2018… his first question would be… “You guys didn’t write any new shit? [laughter] Dude, I wrote that with a feather. [laughter] I did it by fire! That’s the only way I could see what I was writing! You lazy fucks! You guys have phones in your pockets and spaceships! ‘But the wisdom of the scroll shall not be adjusted.’ What the fuck does that even mean? Who told you that, bro?” [laughter] We always like to say, “The long, great history of the United States.” Listen, that’s not real. The United States was founded in 1776. People live to be a hundred. That’s three people ago. [laughter] You’re like, “Is he right?” Yeah! The Fear Factor guy just hit you with a fucking math quiz! [laughter] Three people ago! Listen to me, you’re not going to get this from teachers. We used to be monkeys, and we found mushrooms, and now we’re different. And it’s real, real recent. [laughter] No one knows what’s going on. Three people ago, slave owners made boats out of trees, and used the power of the wind to drift across the ocean. They didn’t have a YouTube video to watch first. They didn’t talk to a travel agent. You know what they had? A drawing. Some guy went there and drew it. [laughter] Like, “Are you sure that’s what you saw?” “That’s what I saw! You callin’ me a liar?” And they had a gunfight in the dirt streets. They were fucking savages just three people ago. They took their baby and jumped on a boat and floated across the fucking ocean with their kids. Animals. That’s us. It just happened. Real recent! “I just never saw Trump coming.” Well, you don’t pay attention to trends. We have a very clear trend in this country. We try one person as president, and the next person has to be completely opposite. ‘Cause no one can do the job correctly. So we let someone try it and we’re like, “He fucked it up.” We go with this guy who’s totally different, who’s got our interests in mind. And we always do the same thing. We go right, left, dumb, smart. We give everybody a chance. [laughter] We go Clinton, Bush. Then we go Bush, Obama. Obama, Trump. We just got out of a long-term relationship with a very boring but sensible person, and now we’re dating a whore. [laughter] [cheers and applause] All right? She’s got fake hair. She’s racist. She’s always lying. We don’t care! We’re not trying to start a family, we just want to run red lights and fuck. [laughter] All right? [applause] For real. We don’t know what we’re doing. If this country was a person, we’d be on coke, driving a yellow Corvette, singing Mötley Crüe songs in front of our ex’s house. [laughter] We’re going crazy! [laughter] “Well, it would have been so much better if Hillary won.” [moans] [audience cheers] “Oh, we got so close!” “Oh! We almost had a woman!” Oh, girls, relax. I think a woman can be president. But let’s not use a lying old lady who faints a lot. [laughter] I think you can do better. It’s not that I don’t think a woman can be president. I’m fucking sure a woman can fuck it up just as bad as the men that fucked it up. No one’s going to do it right. But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom, I’d be like, “Mom! You can’t be president. You can’t stand up fast.” [laughter] “I’ll show you! One ring to rule them all…” [groans] [laughter and applause] [in a woman’s voice] “Oh, you’re sexist! I see, you’re sexist! As well as short. You’re fucking sexist!” Ugh! Defuse my point of view. I am sexist. But I’m sexist against men. I decided during this whole Harvey Weinstein thing. This is why. That’s when I realized I was… I had some suspicions… that I might be sexist before that. [laughter] That’s when I really decided. ‘Cause what Harvey Weinstein did, it was fucking terrible. Can you imagine being an actress? You gotta fuck that guy in order to make it. Like, ugh. What a horrible choice. Like, what a terrible position to be in! “This is the only way?” That sucks. That’s fucking… That’s criminal. I think that guy’s a piece of shit. I think he should be punished. But! [laughter] If he had done the exact same thing to men, I wouldn’t give a fuck. [laughter] I wouldn’t even be slightly upset. [laughter] If I was reading the morning paper and I read a story about a bunch of dudes who let Harvey Weinstein fuck ’em… [laughter] -so they could be in superhero movies… [laughter] I’d read that, I’d go, “Ha-ha!” [laughter] What else? What else is happening? [chuckles] [laughter and applause] I wouldn’t be clamoring for justice. [audience member] Woo! [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein was a woman who looked like Harvey Weinstein… [laughter] and she did the exact same shit to men, my only question would be, “Hey! How bad you want to be Batman? [laughter and applause] How long is it going to take, bro? You could wait tables in this town for 20 years and never catch a break. Or you give the nice lady what she wants. [laughter] Jude Law is in the waiting room and he’s wearing a lobster bib. You tell me… [laughter] if you want to be a winner. [laughter] They don’t fucking give Ferraris away, son! They make ’em by hand.” [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein propositioned my daughter and offered her a movie role in exchange for sex, I, like every other parent in this room, would want to fuck him up. But if Harvina Weinstein… [laughter] came to my son with a solid contract… [laughter] I’d be like, “Dude, you’re gonna be Batman. [laughter and applause] Yes, you are. [cheers and applause] [whistles] Hey, no crying! Batman doesn’t cry! Come on!” “Your own son? Really?” Jaaaaa. What’s the worst thing that can happen? It’d be a harder job. It’d be hard to please Harvina. [laughter] Right? Rich old lady, it’s probably real hard to make ’em come. You gotta make eye contact, you gotta lock in with them. They got to know you’re involved in this project. Right? Rich old ladies are probably super skeptical. [grunts] [laughter] Look. Always, always maintain eye contact. That wouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part is, when you go down on Harvina, she likes to rest her fat gut on your forehead. And the sweat! The sweat gets in your eyes! And it stings like sunscreen! But you gotta keep ’em open ’cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah! [laughter] Nobody cares. Nobody cares about boys that have to eat pussy. No one cares. [laughter] We’re all sexist against men. No one cares. No one feels bad. [faint laughter] “How’d you get that car?” “Man, I had to eat pussy for it.” “You gonna be okay?” [laughter] Feel bad for you. [Joe laughs] [laughter] Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies. I’m on your side. My favorite example of the difference between the way men and women are treated was always old school Fox News. I used to watch it without the sound on, so it’s almost like watching a wildlife program, just watch them move around. I was watching it once and Megyn Kelly was on, and she was on with Bill O’Reilly. They were right next to each other, so I assumed they were in the same climate. But Bill O’Reilly was dressed like there was a chill in the air. He had a jacket on, a shirt, a tie, and pants. And Megyn Kelly was wearing what would best be described as a vagina curtain. [laughter] Not a good curtain either. Not like one of those Vegas curtains that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no. No, this curtain is like that curtain that sits over Grandma’s kitchen sink. You know that one? [laughter] Kind of flutters in the breeze. You could always see the yard. You know that one? And Megyn Kelly’s on TV with smooth, slippery skin that doesn’t exist in nature outside the dolphin community. [laughter] You’d see her toes. You’d see her feet and her toes. She could just kick off her shoes and there’s a Dorito-sized piece of cloth keeping you from the greatest show on earth. And it’s right there. She knows it’s right there, you know it’s right there and no one’s saying a fucking word. And if she disagrees with you, she’ll adjust the curtain and switch her legs. Hmm. [faint chuckles] Hmm. Nobody says nothing. If I was talking to a dude… and he didn’t have any pants on… [laughter] and he kept switching his legs back and forth… I’d be like, “Hey, man. Are we cool? [laughter] Where the fuck are the rest of your clothes? Why you so itchy? Where’d you get those shoes?” No one says shit while Megyn Kelly’s over there trying to start a fake tan fire in her pussy. [laughter] [blows air] [a clap, laughter] It’s weird. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s weird. She doesn’t have any sleeves on. Where are your sleeves? [laughter] That’s not weird? It’s not weird, it’s strange. “I want you to respect me.” I want to respect you, but you’re half-naked and I want to fuck you, so I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of saying anything you want. Whatever you want me to say, I’ll say it. I want you to like me more. That’s the problem with a woman that’s that beautiful and super smart. You know she’s smarter than you. She’s a lawyer. She never says “um,” she’s smart as fuck. [laughter] And she’s really, really, really pretty, and she doesn’t have a lot of clothes on. She’s gonna get her way. All right? [laughter] You won’t tell her to go fuck herself. You’ve to be super secure to do that. And you can see some of her tit. [laughter] That’s weird, right? If I came here like this, you’d be like, “Joe, what the fuck are you doing, man?” [laughter] Right, but if Megyn Kelly’s on TV, “Oh, she’s just got a cute shirt on. It’s just cute. It’s cute.” You could see some tit. You could see some middle tit. You might even see some side tit if you catch… if she’s pointing at something, she might just… “I didn’t even know you were looking at my side tit.” She’ll just pretend. But long as you don’t show the dirty, dirty dark skin. [groans] There it is! [cheers and laughter] The sensitive, forbidden skin! Put it away! It’s not for strangers! [laughter] That’s fucking strange, ladies. Listen, don’t listen to me. I’m a moron. Wear what you’re wearing, it looks great, but it’s weird. You can show some of a sex organ. What if that was the case with dudes? What if we had a window in our pants, we could just see the shaft? [laughter] Right? Just the shaft. [laughter] You can’t see the head of my dick, I’m not a creep. [laughter] Okay? Just a little side dick. [laughter] You have cleavage, we have tubage, it’s no big deal. It’s whatever. Just showing a little tubage. Why do I dress like that? To look cute for my friends. Okay? God! You’re so fucking jealous. I need to get a sip of water. Excuse me for a moment here. [Joe clears throat] I probably should’ve taken this onstage with me, but I’m trying to be cool. That’s that cotton mouth, son. [laughter] [sniffs, clears throat] Woo! [cheers and applause] Yeah, you guys are legal now. I grew up here. We used to hide in the bushes and smoke weed. Ridiculous. Hiding from cops that are now getting high. Going, “What do I do to all those fucking kids? Hoo-hoo-hoo.” [laughter] The real problem is the laws. And Massachusetts finally has good laws. We’ll be able to understand… [cheers and applause] what pot actually is. Florida’s got the craziest laws, ’cause Florida’s trying to protect their pain pill industry. So in Florida, they make it so illegal, this is one of the things they do in Florida: they hire undercover cops to pretend to be high school students. Specifically a hot woman. They hired a 25-year-old hot woman to pretend to be a high school student, flirt with boys, get those boys to sell her weed, and then arrest them. [faint laughter] I don’t like to use the word “cunt.” [laughter] When I use it, I want it to mean something. That’s a cunt. That lady’s a piece of… fucking human garbage. You fucking asshole. Here’s the thing. [laughter] Not only is it not fair, that is one of the most sexist stories you’ll ever hear. Here’s why it’s sexist. It’s sexist against boys. Here’s why. You could never imagine that story if the genders were reversed. If you found out that a 25-year-old man was throwing dick at your 17-year-old daughter, and he talked her into selling him weed, and then he arrested her, we would light that motherfucker on fire in the street. Right? [cheers and applause] But if it was my own son who got arrested by that cop, I’d be like, “How’d it go? [laughter] Tell me what happened. Record? You’re worried about your record? You got a story, dude. You got a… You’re the first guy ever to get arrested by an undercover cop you thought was his girlfriend. [laughter] That’s a fucking hell of a story.” Some people are, like, hard asses about it like, “Shoulda known better. He’s almost 18.” Yeah, but he’s almost 16 too. [laughter] Which is almost 15. That’s like a little kid. Do you remember what you were like when you were 17? You didn’t know what the fuck was going on. And this kid wasn’t even a drug dealer. This kid, it’s not like he got caught. No, this kid was a straight-A student that thought he was getting pot for his girlfriend. He even tried to give it to her. She wouldn’t accept it. She wanted to give him money, so she could arrest him. But he had to know, he was a smart kid. He had to know. He had to know something was off. ‘Cause here’s what it’s like: a 25-year-old woman is not the same as a 17-year-old girl. They look similar, but they’re not the same. Here’s what it’s like: I had this dog once that I got from the pound. [laughter] You know how you get a dog… “Are you comparing women to dogs?” No! [laughter] You’ll see. [laughter] The dog, she was a sweetheart of a dog, but she had been the pound too long, she was real sketchy. And I would bring her around other dogs, and, like, when a dog has been in the pound, like, every other dog they think is going to take their food or take their bed. So I take it to the dog park, and she’d see dogs and go, “Fuck off! Fuck off!” And every dog would be like, “Whoa, Jesus.” [laughter] That’s how she acted with every single dog till one day, one day I brought her to the dog park and somebody brought a wolf. Some fucking hippie asshole with wooden beads on, wearing sandals, this motherfucker brought a thing that eats dogs into a cage filled with dogs! [laughter] My dog looked at that wolf and looked at me and went, “That’s not a fucking dog! Aah!” [laughter] She knew. I don’t know how she knew. She didn’t grow up in Alaska. She wasn’t a Montana dog. How the fuck did she know? But she knew. Somehow. Somehow. That had to be what it was like when that 17-year-old boy was around that 25-year-old woman. Like, “Um, where’d you go to school? Unh? Hmm?” [laughter] She’s like touching him. [groaning] ‘Cause 17-year-old girls don’t sound anything like 25-year-old women. You ever talk to a 17-year-old kid? They don’t know what the fuck they’re saying. They’re basically just practicing talking. [laughter] They’ve only been talking for, like, a few years. [laughter] They don’t know how to make shit sound good. They’re like, “Have you heard the new Drake song? It’s so fire!” You’re like… [groaning] Argh! What the fuck did you do to my ears? Meanwhile the 25-year-old cop’s like, “Let’s go back to my house, smoke some pot, and snuggle.” That kid’s like… “You have a house? [laughter] How the fuck did you get a house?” [laughter] Your dumb friends are like, “She saves, bro. [laughter] My cousin did it, my cousin bought a house.” Kids are always lying. 17-year-old kids. “Yeah, my cousin bought three houses by the time he was four.” What? Four? [laughter] Seventeen. “You should know better.” You know how crazy that is to say? That is a short amount of time on this planet, seventeen years old. And it’s a confusing time. Maybe one of the most confusing times ever for a boy, because your life is a certain way for 13 years, and then you start getting uncontrollable boners right around 13 years in. For 13 years you think you got life mapped out. “I get life, you do what you want, you kind of have a good time. You ride your bike and you play your games, hang out with your buddies.” And then suddenly two years later you’re waking up going, [screaming] “What do you want from me?” [laughter] And your dick’s like… [groaning] Every day. Every day. Confusion. “Do I love you?” [laughter] “What are you gonna do for a living, bro?” Another thing you get when you’re 17. “What are you gonna do? You’re almost a man. Be a loser?” “I don’t know.” And then you see, you see around you all these people that are chasing bullshit. Material possessions and nonsense lives, doing things they hate and getting stuck in a rut. You don’t want it to be you and you don’t know how to get out of that. And everybody’s confused and everybody’s like, “Bro, what are you gonna do for a living?” I don’t know! I don’t know. Just get together with your friends and try to figure life out. Unwind, hang out, smoke a little joint. Like, ‘Dude… [snorts] I think my girlfriend’s a cop.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I’m like, “Dude, you’re paranoid. Trust me, it’s the weed. There’s no way.” Meanwhile, he was right. Poor little fuck. Nobody cares. ‘Cause nobody cares about boys. Why? Listen, don’t “aw.” It’s okay. We’re running shit. [laughter] It’s the balance of power. Look, it’s… it’s all for good. So much tension. ‘Cause, like, this is a new time for jokes too, because everything I say on this Netflix special is going to get me in trouble, but I… I knew coming in. But I want to explain to people if they’re mad at me. Talk to me offstage, I’m super reasonable. But I say shit I don’t mean ’cause it’s funny. Like, people should get that but they don’t get that, not in 2018. Everybody wants to write it down and make it literal. “This is exactly what he said, here’s a quote.” “Oh, hate! Let’s end the hate! Enh!” [applause] And people are way more sensitive now. Because of the Internet, everybody has an opinion and they can all express it, when that’s not really necessary for some folk. Some folks, their opinion’s not that good. They should… keep it to themselves. But today, anybody can express opinions. I’ve gotten death threats for shit I don’t even remember saying. Like, I did a podcast with Tony Hinchcliffe, and apparently I said I thought pro wrestling was gay. [laughter] I don’t even remember saying it. [laughter] But I got off the podcast and I checked my Twitter, and the fucking hurricane of misspelled hate messages that came my way. I was like, “Aah!” What have I done? [laughter] I didn’t even mean what I said. It was just a funny thing to say in that moment ’cause he’s so into it. I’m like, “It’s gay.” It’s funny to say! [laughter] “No, it’s not ever funny to say.” Well, you don’t hang out with my friends. So I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. “Well, you’re a homophobic piece of shit! I wouldn’t hang out with your friends!” That’s not true. Here’s where you’re wrong. I… ‘Cause people tell you that you shouldn’t say something’s gay. But I love gay people. I’ve no problem with gay people. I’m happy they’re a real thing. I really am. I like it, mix it up. Who gives a shit? [laughter] So if you don’t like me calling things gay, then what word would you like me to use to describe gay shit? [laughter and applause] What are we doing here, man? There’s certain noises we can’t make with our face anymore? You know, I think the same fucking thing, right? [laughter] Gay’s not negative. It’s just gay. Okay? There’s certain things… [chuckles] There’s certain things that are gay that have nothing to do with men having sex with each other. Like musicals. [laughter] Right? No one knows why. They’re just gay. Men wearing pearls, gay as fuck. [laughter] It’s not a negative. And I don’t really hate pro wrestling. I was just talking shit. Like, when I was a kid, I loved Jimmy “The Superfly” Snuka, and Bob Backlund, and Hulk Hogan, and I love The Rock. I go to his Twitter page every day for inspiration. And who’s not a fan of Ric Flair? [audience] Woo! We didn’t rehearse that! [laughter] You knew what to do! That man has an exuberant noise attached to his name. That’s one of the most American things of all time. Right? I was just talking shit. That’s all it was. So Tony goes, “Listen, if you just watch pro wrestling with me, you’ll love it, and you’ll become a fan.” I’m like, “All right, dude. Turn it on.” He turns it on! I see a guy with shaved legs, wearing Speedos, with knee-high leather boots on, and he’s holding another guy down. But not really. [laughter] The guy’s like, “I can’t even get up.” And the guy he’s holding down is wearing a leather mask! I’m like, “What the fuck, Tony! [laughter] Have you watched this with a critical eye?” [uncontrollable laughter] I’m not saying it’s gay. But let’s just be honest. Everywhere else on the planet, other than that ring… [laughter] Everywhere else on Earth, when a dude shows up shirtless, wearing a leather mask and Speedos… he’s there to suck dicks. Okay? Period. [cheers and applause] I don’t care what you tell the cops. That guy knew what the fuck he was doing. So there’s going to be people mad at me for that, but I just want you to know, for a bunch of things. Here’s what’s really important. And I can’t believe you’ve to do this, but in 2018 you’ve to do this. You’ve to say a joke and then you go, “Hey, that’s not…” This is what I really feel. This… this is what I really feel. There’s nothing wrong… I don’t want anybody thinking I’m a bigot. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, nothing, and there’s nothing wrong with being a fan of pro wrestling. [laughter] But it’s the same thing. [laughter and applause] To me. I respect both of them. I think both of them are amazing. I’m super happy. I’ve had some other death threats this year. I, uh… [chuckles] …put a poster up, put a picture up on Instagram of some deer meat, and I wrote, “This is some meat from a deer that liked to kick babies and was about to join ISIS.” [laughter] I was feeling real good about that post. Then I got cocky and I wrote hashtag #vegan and that’s where I fucked up. [laughter] Ooh! That wasn’t worth it. That didn’t feel good. Oh! The hate, the anger! Never in my life have I encountered such a ruthless, vicious group of kind, compassionate people… [laughter] as I have in that fucking hashtag #vegan group. [faint laughter] These vegans that are vegans for good reasons, folks, but the problem with vegans is the problem with every single group of human beings. If you get a group of 100 people, just pick a random 100 people, what are the odds that one of them is a fucking idiot? It’s 100%. We nerf all the sharp edges in this world and we let dummies survive. There’s no wolves running through our streets. It’s 100% that one out of 100 is a fucking idiot. Some of those are vegans, and this is how it works: if you got a group and you don’t have to take a test to get in there, some of them are in there for the right reasons. Most vegans are vegans ’cause they’re kind people. They don’t want anything to die so they can live. And those people are heroes, ’cause they’re always tired, they’re cranky, their health’s all fucked up. They’re doing it for all the right reasons. But then there’s vegans who are really only vegans ’cause Scientology didn’t find them first. [laughter and applause] -Okay? You know. Everybody knows certain vegans that would have joined the Taliban if they took the wrong flight, all right? They’re fucking dipshits. Those guys always have “vegan” in their name. It’s always like “vegan warrior.” They just start eating plants and start talking shit. They joined a gang. It’s a plant-based gang. [hysterical laughter] I don’t argue with these people but I do when they say something totally crazy to me. I will check their profile, see what they’re interested in. And this one lady said something really fucked up. She wrote me, she goes, “I hope animals eat your children in front of you. I hope everyone you know gets cancer. I hope you die in your mother’s arms.” And I’m like, “Well. [laughter] What’s this healthy lady up to?” [laughter] [laughs] So I go… I go to her fucking page. She has a bunch of hashtags, right? Normal ones like hashtag #vegan, hashtag #crueltyfree, and then I seen one that I’ve never seen before. It says hashtag #vegancat. [faint laughter] [Joe sighs] I check my watch. It’s 1:00 in the morning, I’m like, “Fuck, do I click this?” [laughter] I’m like, “I should just go to bed, right? I should just go to sleep. I shouldn’t do this. I should have some herbal tea and read a book.” And there’s the other part of your brain like, “Shut up, pussy. Click it. Come on! Come on!” I always listen to that part. That’s the secret to my success, I always listen… [chuckles] “Come on, pussy! Come on!” I click it. I’m hoping… This is what I’m hoping. I’m hoping hashtag #vegancat… I’m hoping what that is is, like, a support group. [laughter] Right? Like, we all have friends that are vegans that also have cats. You go over to their house and you’re like, “So why are you vegan again?” “Well, I just don’t think it’s our right to decide that an animal should live or die.” And then they open up a fat can of murder and give it to that little fucking psychopath that they live with. And you’re like, “Hey. [chuckles] Hey, man. What’s in that fucking can? What are you doing?” “Well, he’s a carnivore but I’m an herbivore.” If you are a vegan with a pet cat, that’s like being a doctor with a pet vampire. [laughter] Pick a team, fuck face. What are you doing? You live with a murderer! Okay? If you love animals, just shoot that cat right in the fucking head. That thing eats 200 animals a year. [laughter] That is what I was hoping. That’s what I was hoping hashtag #vegancat meant. Oh! But no. No. #vegancat is a whole fucking community of people who think it’s a good idea to feed your cat salad. [laughter] Now, before I go any further, it’s very important that I be completely truthful to you, ’cause people call you out all the time. It’s always some guy. “Actually… Actually you can feed your cat a vegan diet.” They do that little cunt nod. You know that thing that people do? [laughter] They tell you something and then… Oh, is that the worst? Even if they’re right, you’re like, “Fuck you and your facts. This fucking face thing you’re doing.” But he’s right. You can… feed your cat a vegan diet if you don’t mind them going blind… and dying young. “Is he serious?” Yeah, I’m fucking serious. You will, after this show, go on your phone and check out hashtag #vegancat, and you will be treated to a collection of pets that look like they live in a house with a gas leak. [laughter and applause] Every fucking cat is like, “When is the real food coming? What the fuck is…” They’re all lying down! I’m not joking! Every fucking cat. You’re gonna go, “He’s right!” They’re all lying down! All of ’em! And they die young! Really fucking young! They take pictures, these fucking psychos. “RIP Tabby! We had five amazing years together!” The cat’s eyes are milky, its legs are stiff. It’s like… “What is this lady feeding me? Where’s the real food, bitch?” It’s a cat! You got to feed it cat food! “Hashtag #crueltyfree.” Tell that to your blind, dead cat, you fucking crazy asshole! -It’s a cat! Okay? [whistles and cheers and applause] It doesn’t want to eat mashed potatoes! It makes us uncomfortable that something would want to kill something because what if someone wants to kill us? I don’t want that. That’s what it is. It’s just weird panic that we have about our own mortality. But it’s a real simple system. If this comes up in an argument, feel free to use this. This is how it works: Green shit grows out of the ground, dumb shit eats the green shit, mean shit kills the dumb shit. That’s your cat. That’s why you don’t have to hack your way through a river of bunny rabbits to get your fucking Prius every morning. Okay? You can’t feed that thing cranberries. [laughter] “We went to see Joe Rogan and he hates gays and cats. I am currently blogging about it.” [laughter] None of this is true. I love gay people and I have cats, and my cats are fluffy, which is gay. [laughter] I have gay things that I love. I listened to Miley Cyrus music right before I got onstage tonight. There’s plenty of gay things I love. I have those fluffy, those Monsanto, GMO cats. You ever see those cats? Like, how the fuck did that turn into that? You see a cat in a tundra and then you see my fucking thing. They’re called Ragdolls because, like… I don’t know you, ma’am, but if you came to my house, you could scoop that cat up, they wouldn’t get nervous. “Who’s this crazy lady?” They wouldn’t… Anybody could just pick one of those cats up and put it on their shoulder, and they’d just go limp. [purrs] ‘Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter. My daughter just scoops that cat up like a sandbag in a CrossFit class, and she’s barely got this fucking cat, and they just limp. [purrs] Purring away. So happy to be touched. They have almost no instincts. Almost. Almost! ‘Cause those little fuckers will sit in front of the window. And they see a squirrel across the street, their eyes lock on that squirrel, and they start making these involuntary mouth noises like… [Joe sputtering] [laughter] [repeats it] You ever see your cat do that? It’s so fucking creepy! They don’t even know you’re there. You can get right next to them, like, “What the fuck are you doing, man?” They don’t even look at you. [sputters] I’ve had that cat since it was a baby. It’s never been outside. Three-year-old cat, never been outside. And he sees those squirrels across the street and he’s like… “I remember. [laughter] [Joe imitates a soft growl] I remember the old way.” [growls] How the fuck does that DNA get into that cat? He’s not looking at that squirrel like, “That’s my little friend across the street. I’d like to meet him!” No, it’s like, “Ah! Your neck is right there.” [laughter and applause] That’s crazy. That’s some crazy, murderous DNA. That’s like if you had a science experiment where you had a man in captivity, and you never showed him a woman ever, until he was full grown, and then you show him a naked one through prison glass. And as soon as he sees her, he goes, “Time to fuck! Time… time to fucking fuck!” [laughter and applause] Dudes come over with clipboards. “How do you know? How do you know what to do?” “I know what I know, bro! I know when it’s fuck time! It’s fuckety fuckin’!” That’s what it’s like for that cat. How the fuck does that cat know what to do? [uncontrollable laughter] Explain that to me, science. Cats kill everything they can. Dogs will keep it together. If you’ve a good dog, a good dog will keep it together. Like, you could could have a pet dog and a pet hamster, and that pet hamster, if you got a good dog, that pet hamster could live a long life. [laughter] But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster, that hamster’s got an hour to live. [laughter] And that’s just ’cause your cat’s going to torture it for 59 minutes. That poor little fucker’s like, “I think he’s done! Finally it’s gonna let me get away and I’m just gonna be free!” And the cat’s like, “Not today, motherfucker. Not today. You just stick the fuck down.” It’s what they do. You can’t feed ’em apples. It’s what they do. Dogs care. You can put a hamster on the floor in a room with a good dog. A good dog will look at you, look at the hamster. Look at you, look at the hamster. He’d be like, “Um… -can I fuck him up?” [laughter] “No! That’s Mr. Fluffers! Mr. Fluffers is the newest member of our family!” The dog just starts calculating, like, “Okay, okay. [hysterical laughter] Okay, okay. I like free food. These people are nice to me. Okay. [sniffs] [laughter] That’s a fucking rat, dude. That’s a rat! Okay. Okay. Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!” You can tell, though, when that dog’s not totally on board, they just get a little too close to that hamster like, “Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up.” [laughter] [a few claps] But a cat, you don’t have a chance. Cats, they will make Exorcist noises. You can try to hold your cat in a room with a hamster, your cat starts going… [Joe caterwauling] [laughter] He’s letting you know, “Bitch, I’m about to claw your fucking eyes out! You’ll never see your kids again!” They don’t care how long you been feeding them. They don’t care about your history of free massages. “There’s a rat on the floor! If you let me go, I can kill the rat!” [loud meow] [laughter] And people keep those things as pets. That’s what’s so fucked up. Imagine if your kid did that, a kid that you couldn’t have in a room with something smaller than him, he’s like, “Gotta kill, Mommy! Murder! Kill!” Like, “Junior, sit down!” “No! Fuck you! Death!” “Well, we just can’t have a pet cat, ’cause Junior breaks the cat’s neck. He’s crazy. I don’t know what to do.” We just accept the fact this fucking cat’s a murderer. Can’t feed that thing cranberries, you crazy bitch. Okay? You’re the monster. Dogs feel bad when they kill things too if you’re mad. Like if your dog kills a hamster and you’re like, “How could you!” [sobs] “How could I? Shit! Did I do that? [groans] Damn it!” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “I’m disappointed in myself! -[laughter] [Joe groans] I’m sorry!” [sobs] [laughter] They walk to you sideways. “I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously.” But your cat, the cat doesn’t feel remotely bad. Your cat kills something, you’re like, “How could you?” He’s like, “Bitch, you know me.” [laughter] He’ll walk away slow with his tail in the air so you can see his asshole. [uproarious laughter, applause] They don’t care. You scream at him. “You’re a monster!” They pull their ears back. Like, “Why you so loud?” And just lie down right in front of you and lick their own dick. “How about you just shut the fuck up while I lick my dick?” [cheers and applause] [whistles blowing] They don’t care. They don’t care about you. Cats know when you’re high too. They seem to know, you’re vulnerable. Dogs don’t have a clue. You come home high, your dog’s like, “You’re extra friendly today!” [laughter] If I’m watching Black Mirror at 1:00 in the morning, my cat will, like, sit down next to me and be like… “You know you’re going to die, right?” [laughter] [hysterical laughter, cheers and applause] Creepy little fuckers. Something… something spooky about predators, living with a little predator. You know? I think it’s good for us. I think it’s good for us to be nervous. I really do. I think we all need Jesus. [laughter] I grew up… I was raised Catholic for a little while, and then I wised up when I was about seven. And, um… [laughter] Since then, I was like, that discipline is probably pretty good for people. One of the things that gets me about, um, people that are really into Jesus is that you’re supposed to think that Jesus is going to return. But if he did, you’d never believe it. [faint chuckles] Right? Like, nobody believes new miracles. If someone came up to you and go, “Yo, dude. You gotta meet my cousin. He was dead for three days and he came back to life and he hangs out with hookers, but he don’t fuck ’em, he only gives ’em advice. [laughter] Want me to give him your number?” You’d be like, “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I want to talk to him forever. He sounds totally legit.” [faint laughter] No, we only like old miracles. But I think there’s a new miracle that we might have missed, and I’m going to tell you this story. There was a woman who was born in Africa, she had a birth defect. She was born without a vagina. Grew to be a full grown woman, she had no other problems. Grew to be a full grown woman, gave a guy a blowjob, and then got into a knife fight. The knife went through her stomach, the sperm hitched the ride on the blade, and landed on her eggs. She got pregnant. Nine months later, by cesarean section, they open her up like a sleeping bag and pull out a normal kid. That’s a real fucking story. You’re like, “The Fear Factor guy just makes shit up to make his stupid fucking jokes work. That’s why they took our phones away, so we can’t call him out on his bullshit.” [laughter] No, I’m telling you a true story. Y’all don’t yell. It’s true. A woman without a vagina gave birth to a kid. Now… here’s my question. Isn’t that a miracle? That seems like a miracle. Like, if you… People that believe in Jesus, you’re supposed to believe he’s going to come back. But if he’s going to come back, do you think he’d come back looking like Jesus? Wouldn’t that be super obvious? We’d see him coming. We’d see the robe and the beard, like, “Dude, that’s Jesus. Hold my hand.” ♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪ ♪ Kumbaya ♪ “Oh! Hi, Jesus. We didn’t even know you were coming. This is what we do.” [laughter] Jesus’d be like, “Hmm, I don’t know.” I think if is Jesus is going to return and find out what we’ve really been up to, he’s going to return as the miracle-blowjob knife-fight baby. [laughter] And we’d never even see it coming, ’cause we’re not looking for it. That kid’s got to go to school. Other kids are going to ask questions… right? You remember what childhood was like. Kids are fucking brutal. Everybody’s insecure, so they try to find someone more insecure than them and fuck with ’em. I had a good childhood, but it was weird. And it was weird because my parents split up when I was young, and then my mom lived with my stepdad for a few years before they got married, and we moved a lot. It wasn’t bad, but it was… Kids would ask questions like, “Hey, man, is that your dad?” “No, it’s my mom’s… boyfriend.” “Oh, so it’s a dude who fucks your mom?” [laughter] “Hey, man, I’m eight. [laughter] What about your parents?” “Dude, Dude! My parents have been married since high school. The first time my mom and dad ever had sex, my mom got pregnant with me. Bro… my dad cries a lot. He just cries! He’ll just fall down and start crying. We ignore him now. [laughter] No one cares. Step over him, pass the peas. We don’t give a shit. This poor fucker’s just weeping on the ground. Life isn’t a movie, man. I never saw that in a movie. Life’s not a fucking movie, dude. Life is hard.” “Yeah, man. Yeah, dude, life is hard, dude. It really is. It’s fucking hard. What’s your story, Mutombo?” “Oh, you know! Same old story. Mom ain’t got no vagina. [laughter] Suck a dick, get stabbed. Here I am. [faint laughter] You know, could be worse. Hashtag #blessed.” [laughter] [a few claps] From the humblest of beginnings, he’d be around us as we judged him. Change our ways. We should change our ways. The first thing we gotta do is stop doing this. You know what that is? That’s the symbol of the cross where Jesus was murdered. We got to stop doing this. Start doing this. [laughter] Love… and life. Love and life, brothers and sisters. Don’t get mad at me! You knew why you came here! You get mad. We’re a fucking hour in. If you’re mad now… Jesus Christ! [audience member] Woo! “Your point of view is terrible.” Yeah, it’s how I make a living. [laughter] I say fucked-up shit. You don’t have the time to think up. That’s all it is. Listen. Violence against women isn’t funny. I don’t know why you’re laughing. You guys are assholes. Ass-holes! “Especially in this day and age. -Ooh! [laughter] Oh! Dangerous time. Oh!” My own mom said this to me. She goes… “I just wish that Hillary Clinton was president, because I think it’s about time a woman does the most important job in the world.” Okay. I’m like, “Yeah, but you already make all the people.” [laughter] Like… [cheers and applause] I’m not saying, ladies, that that’s the only thing you can do. You make all the humans. That’s a big fucking deal. There’s seven billion people on the planet. All of them came out of a woman’s body. If babies came out of dude’s dicks, there’d be six of us. [laughter] An abortion would be an app on your phone. All right? It’d be snowing out, you’d pull your phone out, “Fuck this kid. I’m not shoveling snow and breastfeeding.” How about that, ladies? You make food with your tits! You know how goddamn crazy that is? You make the most nutritious baby food known to man, with your tits, while you’re doing other shit. [laughter] ‘Cause no one’s giving you enough credit for it, because so many of you can do it. That’s the problem. Almost every woman can make people. That’s the problem. If only one lady did it, one giant bitch that lived in the middle of the city… [hysterical laughter] She had a huge, clear abdomen with all our children floating around inside of it. We’d bring her food and blessings. That’s just as weird as a baby coming out of a person. We’re just used to our weird. But if that was the way you did it and someone just said, “I’m making my own people. Look.” You’d be like, “Aah!” [laughter] If people didn’t come out of people and then they started, we would freak the fuck out. We’d be like, “What’s next?” No, the problem with the thing is, when you… childbirth, you have to be in the room to really understand it. It’s not like a thing you watch in a video and go, “Oh, I get it.” You think you get it, but you never get to see the kid unless it’s yours. No one lets you watch. Your friends never let you watch. Even my sister wouldn’t let me watch. I go, “What do you think? I’m gonna get horny and fuck you? Come on! Let me see the kid! I want to see my nephew.” Nobody lets you in. Nobody. It’s got to be your kid. By then it’s too late. ‘Cause you see the kid come out, you’re like, “Oh! Oh, okay.” And then you start thinking, “How often is this happening? This is happening right now all over the world!” But you don’t get to see it. There’s a website you can go to where you can see the actual numbers. You can see every time a baby is registered as being born. There’s like a world population number and that number is like this…. [mock buzzing] It’s just fucking spinning. It’s not sustainable. It’s not like, “Well, we gained a few people, we lost a few people. Keeping a healthy balance here on Earth.” No, it’s just people shooting loads into each other, just fucking… [mock buzzing] Eating food and coming in each other. [groans] You just don’t see it. But if there was a place you could see it, like if there was a giant drive-thru movie screen, and it was every baby coming out of every vagina in real-time all over the world, you’d be like, “It’s a fucking invasion!” You’d be like, “Oh my God, now I get it! The vagina is a portal to another dimension. It’s like a well of souls and they’re coming through with pleasure and love and confusing us! And then they grow up and they do whatever the fuck they want! This is how culture gets shaped! From aliens from another dimension!” Ladies… you do that. [faint laughter] You make people. You make all the people. And you want to be president too? You fucking greedy bitches. Jesus Christ! What else do you want? You want bigger dicks than us? You want all the money? [laughter] If I was a woman, I’d definitely be a feminist. 100%. Men are bigger, they make more money, they always try to fuck you, they lie to you. That’s too many things. [laughter] It’s too many. It’s not balanced. I get it, ladies. You know what I don’t get? Men’s rights activists. Every one I’ve ever met, I want to go, “Dude, we got all the rights. [laughter] We got ’em all.” Fucking relax! The problem is, guys that are clamoring for, “What about men’s rights?” They’re going to pay attention to what we do. This is the thing. If girls start doing an audit of what men do versus what women do, it’s a big fucking difference. Men cause all war. That is somehow or another some weird fact that slipped us by. Can you imagine if women caused all the war? How long would it take before we were like, “Yo, we got to kill these fucking crazy bitches. Dude, I came home, the girls are in the backyard making a plane to fly over the ocean and fuck people up they never met. These bitches are bloodthirsty. They never want to stay put, constantly conquering new ground, stealing people’s oil.” Can you imagine? “What about men’s rights?” Shut the fuck up. Stop. Men cause most of the murder. Men cause most of the rape. A guy stops me. “Actually, here’s a statistic you’re probably not aware of. But men actually get raped more than women.” Yeah, by other men, you fucking dipshit! Jesus Christ! [laughter and applause] You’re making my point for me, you stupid fuck. What did you think was happening? When you heard that number you’re like, “No more investigations needed. Clearly there’s packs of cheerleaders out there raping soldiers. We got to put a stop to it.” [cheers and laughter] No, men are so gross, we fuck each other. [laughter] See, I say that and no one gets mad. No men are like, “Bro, you’re fucking generalizing massively. [laughter] It’s such a douchebag move to just criticize an entire gender.” Men don’t care, ’cause I’m one of you, and you know. Like if I say guys jerk off to basketball games, you’re like, “Some of us. [laughter] For sure.” Right? But if I say anything even remotely critical about women, people will get really mad. Watch. [laughter] Ladies, I love you. You’re some of my favorite people. But let’s be honest, you don’t invent a lot of shit. [laughter] Ooh! Feel that? Yeah! That’s some ride-home arguments in the air. Right? You can feel the tension. “No, you were laughing. It’s not funny. You were fucking laughing! It’s sexist! No, he makes fun of men first so he can make fun of women later, you fucking moron. Oh my God, you don’t even know comedy. You don’t even know what you like. Drop me off. Just fucking drop me off. Just… drop me off.” But you know I’m right. Here’s what’s important about this. When it comes to inventions, we’re talking about inventions. Let’s be really clear. I am a fucking moron. Okay? I’ve never invented shit. And I’m guessing you’re probably pretty dumb too, which is why you’re here listening to me talk. Okay, let’s just be honest. [cheers and applause and whistles] We’re not talking about us. We’re talking about inventors. Okay, it’s not us. Why do we have to be on Team Penis versus Team Vagina on this one? It’s crazy. The men and the women in this room, we have more in common with each other than we do with those fucking freaks out there inventing all the shit we need to make our life awesome. Okay? But those freaks out there inventing shit are almost all dudes. And I don’t know why. But that makes me feel like a winner. [laughter] I feel like I won. I really do. I feel pretty good. And I’m looking around at some of you ladies and you look like losers. You look like you lost. You’re not even in the contest. You’re like, “Hey! [grunts] I don’t like this part.” [grunts again] If you’d your phone you’d be like, “Surely women have invented a bunch of things.” No, they haven’t. I wish they had. Women invented, like, 40 things ever. And it was all shit they needed. [laughter] A woman invented the dishwashing machine. [cheers and applause and laughter] I didn’t even write a joke for that. I’ll let you figure out why you’re laughing. Can’t call me out on a non-existent sexist joke. It’s just a fact. Women invented some very important things, actually. Like, no bullshit, all jokes aside, a woman invented Kevlar, which is the bulletproof material they use for first responder vests. Who knows how many lives were saved because of one woman’s invention? [cheers and applause] But! I bet it was probably a chick who wanted to shoot her husband… [laughter] but she didn’t want him to die, ’cause then she’d have to get a job. She’s like, “Hmm. [cheers and applause] There’s got to be a way to shoot this motherfucker and still sleep in.” Again, I’m a fucking moron! Don’t get mad at me! We’re just talking about inventors. I don’t want to leave any really important women inventors on the list who are all way smarter than me, but, like, one of them was Hedy Lamarr, a gorgeous actress from the 1940s. She invented spread spectrum technology, which is how we use GPS and Wi-Fi today. This one woman did that. But she was hot, no one cared. They were just trying to fuck her. Nobody paid attention to anything smart she said. They had to wait until she died. They’re going through her notes, like, “Fucking Wi-Fi. Hmm.” [laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause we’re gross! I already told you we’re gross. A woman invented the first hypodermic needle. It was one woman’s idea of how to effectively get medication into people. Who knows how many lives she saved? One woman’s idea was computer coding. One woman. She invented the computer code. Without her contribution, who knows? One person. Without this one woman’s contribution, who knows where technology would be today? After that… big drop off. I mean, fucking, like a cliff. The number 11 most impressive invention by a woman is the chocolate chip cookie. Again, I’m a fucking idiot. Way better than anything I’ll invent. But a dude invented the chocolate chip and a dude invented the cookie, and he probably just wanted to go to bed. He was probably like, “You nailed it. You’re an inventor. Goodnight.” She’s got her chef’s hat on. “Write it down. Write it down.” [laughter] I’ll leave you with this ’cause it’s uncomfortable but also true. A man invented the tampon. Let that soak in. Oh! Oh! How’d I do that to you? [laughter and applause] I had to. That’s what you have to say right there. I know. But for real, a tampon is not a good invention. It’s just one of those things that’s been around for a long time, but it’s like a legacy invention. It seems like a male solution to a body part he doesn’t have and a problem he doesn’t understand. Like, “What? What’s going on? Huh? Aah! Just stuff something up there!” [laughter and applause] No woman is ever going to invent a tampon! A woman would have invent a maxi pad. Like, “Hey, hey, stupid. We’re not stuffing anything. We’re just going to take this, put it there, leave it alone. It will be fine.” “Fuck that! We’re gonna make a cotton dick and just stuff it up there. Get in there.” [laughter] “What if it gets stuck?” “I’m going to put a rope on the end of it and yank it out like a fish.” Thank you, Boston! [cheers and applause] I had a great fucking time! I love you, people! [cheering and applause continue] For real, it makes me incredibly happy to be able to do this here. This is where I started. You people are the shit and I love you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you!

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GEORGE CARLIN: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE MONOLOGUE (1975) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-saturday-night-live-monologue1975-s01e01/

On October 11, 1975, George Carlin kicked off the first ever episode of Saturday Night Live. After entering the stage through the audience, Carlin recited “Baseball and Football” from his new album “An Evening with Wally Londo, Featuring Bill Slazso”. Carlin wanted to wear a t-shirt, but the network wanted him to wear a suit. As a compromise, Carlin wore a vest and jacket over his t-shirt, and hosted the show while reportedly stoned out of his mind. George Carlin: Thank you! Talk about a live show! It’s nice to see you, welcome, and thanks for joining us – live. Um.. I’m kinda glad that we’re on at night, so that we’re not competing with all the football and baseball. So many, man.. And this is the time of year when there’s both, you know? Football’s kinda nice, they changed it a little bit – they moved the hash marks in. Guys found it and smoked them, anyway! But you know, football wants to be the number-one sport, the national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are – we are Europe, Jr. When you get right down to it, we’re Europe, Jr. We play a Europe game. What was the Europe game? [high voice] “Let’s take their land away from them! You’ll be the pink, on up; we’ll be blue, the red and the green!” Ground acquisition. And that’s what football is, football’s a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them. Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That’s the way we did it with the Indians – we won it little by little. First down in Ohio – Midwest to go! Let’s put it this way – there are things about the words surrounding football and baseball, which give it all away: Football is technological; baseball is pastoral. Football is played in a stadium; baseball is played in the park. In football, you wear a helmet; in baseball, you wear a cap. Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid, and everyone of them is the same size; baseball is played on an ever-widening angle that reaches to infinity, and every park is different! Football is rigidly timed; baseball has no time limit, we don’t know when it’s gonna end! We might even have extra innings! In football, you get a penalty; in baseball, you make an error – whoops! The object in football is to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory, and get into the end zone; in baseball, the object is to go home! “I’m going home!” And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense; in baseball, they have.. the sacrifice.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Henry Rollins: Keep Talking, Pal (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/henry-rollins-keep-talking-pal-transcript/

[laughter] [indistinct chatter] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, Henry Rollins! [cheering, applause] Thanks for showing up. Hello, hello, hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening. All right. Thanks! Thank you. So… before anything, just a brief explanation as to, obviously, the cameras, you understand. This is being taped. Why? Portland. And this is where you might not believe me. Please strip yourself of your cynicism, which is easy to acquire in 2018. I understand. But if you can sidestep it for just a second, months and months ago they said, “How about a Showtime special?” I went, “Well, yeah. Don’t throw up.” It’s nerve-wracking. And they said, “Well, you have to pick a location.” So you have to pick a location where the audience is kinda sorta already with you. ‘Cause I don’t have the time to win you over. This is not… this is not an anecdotal or comedic arm wrestling match where I make you submit. Like, “All right, all right! I like it!” You just have to kind of dig me already. -[cheering] -Like… right. And so… Location is key. And so they said, “So where do you want to do this?” And this is where you might not believe me. But it’s true. I’ve been doing shows in Portland for literally almost 40 years. -[cheering] -And if I had a bad time, I personally can’t remember it. And that… it’s– and that’s real. Like, “Oh, really?” I’m like– and a lot of time, in the 1880s– 1980s when I was touring, when you’re all young rams at the base of the mountain, there’s a lot of fisticuffs and spit and flying, empty containers of beer and whatever else. But that– I don’t remember any of that hostility coming at me from Portland. So I said, “Well, see if you can get me a stage in Portland.” And they did. And so here we are together. -And so here’s the– -[cheering] An early memory of Portland, from before you were born, I would come up here to do shows with Black Flag. -[cheering] -And… Black Flag made a live album here… 33 years ago. Ah! That was me and Tutankhamun and Abe Lincoln and Tom Waits were all talking backstage. A fantastic night. Anyway, we actually documented our affection for this city on a live album, which happens to be my personal favorite record of Black Flag, ’cause it was the realest one ’cause it was live. Anyway, here’s the one thing that I found out about Portland. This is an old version of Portland, it’s not… Or maybe it’s how Portland is now. But this is a true fact. I knew a lot of really scary people in Los Angeles. The people around Black Flag, some of them were killers, some of them were drug dealers, some of them were just some really dark, you know, tough people from a scary part of L.A. The “dirty deeds done dirt cheap” types. And they just kind of gravitated to us. They scared the hell out of me ’cause I’m not a tough guy. And some of these people, they just– I said, “So what do you do?” They’re like, “Well, you know, someone needs to be straightened out, and I, uh…” Wow. And these people would have warrants out for them. And you’d– they would disappear from L.A. Like, what happened to that one, that one and that one? Who knows? They might be dead or in prison. And that’s how those days worked. You found out that they were in Portland. Yeah. ‘Cause we’d be up here doing a show, and we’d be here all afternoon in like some parking lot with our miserable, ailing, about to fall over van. And those guys you hadn’t seen for two years would come up like, “Hey, man.” –[gasps] And like, “What are you doing here?” Like, “You know, there’s too much heat in L.A.” So I said, “So why Portland?” Like, “Because you can just kinda get lost here.’ And so Portland was this place I knew where scary L.A. punk rock types came to disappear. And maybe some of you are out there right now. I’m– I’m still scared of you. And so I wanted to tell you a few stories about shows I’ve done, because I live to tour. I live to be onstage. And I’ve never really physically counted every single show I’ve ever done. They’re all written down. Because I like to keep track of that kind of thing. It’s well over 3,000 shows I’ve done. And that’s not all that difficult to accumulate shows. You just keep doing them and it sure adds up. And– you remember that quote. And so… Charlie Sheen, prostitutes. Anyway… I have seen all kinds of things. 1987, Michigan. It must have been hunting season, or close by. Me and my bandmates are grinding away in front of at least 175 people. And they’re just like… “We don’t like it that much.” They’re not that into it. So we’re just kind of beating this dead horse. And this thing flies through the air and lands next to me onstage. It’s a dead deer’s head. Probably hunted and killed locally. And so the audience is like, “So what are you gonna do about a dead deer’s head?” I will not be bested by an audience. I have– I will not be grossed out by anything anyone can come into a venue and do. No way. And that’s just years of being underpaid. It just gives you this– it gives you this callous, like, “Anything, do it!” And so I pick up the deer’s head. And everyone kind of goes like, “Okay. That’s kind of gross.” So I’m thinking, what can I do with this deer’s head to severely bum out this audience? ‘Cause now they’ve got it coming. They started it. Like, who– “What are you gonna do today?” “I’m gonna get this deer’s head and go see Henry and throw it at him.” “I’m coming along.” And so… And that was probably the draw. It was probably five people paid, and a bunch of people snuck in behind the guy with the deer’s head. So I pick up the deer’s head and I have him, rock with the music for a second. And find one of Sim Cain’s broken drum sticks, with which I gouge the deer’s eyeball out. And everyone’s like, “Ah! Oh!” And it’s really hard. The eyes are really attached. And so… there’s good stuff in there. And so… kssh! I rip this eye out. And I go, “Well…” [makes chewing noises] And it tasted awful. It tasted awful. And my mission was not to swallow it. I wanted to give it back. So, like, chew– And it exploded in my mouth releasing this… really bitter juice. And see, we’re like three minutes into the show. You’re not going anywhere. And like what I’m looking at looks like a comedy class in planes of the future. You’re like, you’re in 22… Y. You’re not going anywhere! I’ve got ya! Anyway, I’m chewing on the eyeball. And it starts to kind of become a jelly-ish thing. Perfect for spitting. And so I go… [spits] And this like bloody, awful thing goes out. And everyone in the first three rows got some. They’re like, “Oh!” [groaning] I went, “Anyone else?” They’re like, “No, we…” And they all… they all completely submitted. They’re like, “You win. You deer-eyeball-eating bastard.” -Just… -[cheering] Have I– It’s like… [grunts] So like I’ve said, I’ve seen quite a bit. And I’ve been able to tame audiences. 1984, Halloween night, Miami, at a place called Flynn’s. The size of your living room. The audience, we would play there all the time. They’re angry, we’re angry. Everyone’s broke. So I took a plastic cup. I said, “Fill this full of money, no pennies, and I’ll do something really gross.” The cup is taken away from me. It fills up with money. At least $4.75, as I remember. It bought me an omelet at Denny’s later. And so I took my shoes off and I took my socks I was wearing, my tube socks, and I wrung out the sweat. And it filled up the entire, like, eight-ounce glass. And I’ll never forget, I said, “Salud.” And there’s people going, “No, no! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Keep the money, don’t do it! Don’t! Oh!” [babbling] And I drank it. And it tasted like socks, ass, but mine. So it’s… it’s okay. It’s like, so that’s what I taste like. Glub, glub, glub, glub. I’m like, ah! They went, “You win. That’s… You’ve beaten the entire audience. We submit. Play another one of your 12-minute songs.” And so I’ve seen quite a bit. The dumbest show I ever booked, and it’s nothing but my fault… On the 2016 tour, I had this idea. I will play my hometown of Washington, D.C. at the beautiful Lincoln Theatre on the night of the presidential election. It will be memorable. And so I go out in front of all these people. And I start talking, and I’m many months into the tour. I’m just talking away. And I notice the audience is doing something I have never seen an audience do before. They’re looking at me with this look of concern on their face, like… “What… Am I okay?” And then they would look at me for a minute, like, “Did I lock my door of my house? Is my dog okay?” And then look down at their crotch, as you do. And like, they’d look back up at me, kind of like, “What did you say?” And I’m up there telling these stories at a high rate of speed, thinking, “I’m bombing. I mean, these stories are good. I like these stories. Why don’t you like these stories? And what is it about your crotch?” And as the show goes on, it just turns into this dying animal on the side of a road. Like someone hits a deer, and you see it three– three cars later, it’s like kicking. You’re like, “Oh! Just shoot it! Kill it! Make it stop!” This is agony. I had this massive lump in my throat. I go staggering downstairs to this dressing room mirror, like, “What did I do?! How did I bomb?” And I don’t think I’m unable to bomb. Anyone can bomb. But I seem to have bombed with every single thing I said. And I’m back there talking to this woman I know. I said, “What– what did I just do?” She said, “Nothing. Look at the news.” And as I was onstage, Donald Trump was becoming the president-elect. And these people probably paid way too much for those tickets. And they were doing their level best, “This is kind of funny, I’m enjoying this.” [screams] “Babysitter, parking, I’m having a good time.” [screams] It was the dumbest idea I’ve ever had for being onstage. It was a perfect bummer. And so after the show, I’m just, you know, a little shook up about this whole thing. And I get on the Bon Jovi Mobile, the Def Leppard Express, my tour bus. It’s a rental. And I’m sitting there unable to sleep. Just because my America has changed and it’s going to be… Well, it’s going to be interesting. And so I sat up until about 5:30 in the morning, East Coast time, watching the different news carriers roll out the information. It’s the same information. But different news carriers have different postures. So I watched Fox News, which was the funnest. ‘Cause they’re super happy. There’s champagne corks flying across the set. Most of the people are topless. Lines of cocaine are being snorted off the chests of 13-year-old strippers. I mean, it’s a celebratory environment. Like, “Hooray, we won.” It’s fun to win, I get it. And so I switched to MSNBC to see all those brave, young pundits. And they’re just trying to not be emo. Like, “Well, none of us… [sobbing] thought this was gonna happen, but… So we have a new president. And… [sobs]” And then I went to CNN, which is just dependably… [hums tone] “I’m Wolf Blitzer… I’m levitating.” I realized that this guy is going to turn American democracy at its very most benevolent, just inefficient. At its worst, predatory and divisive. And so we are now on our own. I don’t think there’s ever been a more interesting or better time to live in this country. Why? ‘Cause everything matters now. Your words matter now. Your attitude matters now. How hard you stand up for LGBT folks, and brown folks, and women folks, and reproductive health rights, et cetera, et cetera. -It all matters now. -[cheering, applause] It all matters. Where before, it was just kind of this splashy ocean of doing good. But now you stand in sharp contrast to your strange uncle who comes with xenophobic rants every Thanksgiving or so, thanks to vodka. And you will never talk him down from his ledge. But you can outlive him. And I’m not saying that, let’s push these people into an early grave. I’m just saying that very, very soon, in your lifetime, like really soon, there will be no one left alive to watch Fox News. -They… -[cheering] And I am in no way saying, “Hurry up and die.” I’m just saying everyone dies eventually. Except for Mick and Keith. Everyone else is going to go! And there’s a topic I’m not… It’s not like I can tell you anything about it that you don’t know. But when these brave women are standing up and saying, “He molested me, he harassed me,” and when anybody has the temerity to say, “What took you so long…” If you ever hear anybody, usually a male, “What took you 25 years to finally say it, now that the guy’s rich and famous? You’re just after his money.” No, you idiot. It’s a long time to suck up your humiliation and your fear and finally stand up and say, “He did that to me.” Why didn’t you say anything before? “I don’t wanna lose my job, I don’t wanna lose my family, I don’t wanna lose my social standing, I don’t wanna be judged by people like you telling me I’m something.” And so when these women stand up, they should all be given Nobel Peace Prizes for the sheer guts. -So… -[cheering, applause] I have tried… on multiple live me plus audience experiences to articulate this idea. And it has bombed every single time. And I know it’s good, I just don’t know how to roll it out. So stunted as it is, I’m going to try one more time. Since the beginning of humankind, recorded history at least, we have done everything one way, where men run everything. Everything. And so the world we live in is a man’s world. I’m not saying good or bad. I’m just saying that is what we’ve been doing since your parents’ parents’ parents’ parents’ parents. It has been one way and one way only. Like there’s sunspots on the sun. There’s been little things here and there, Roe v. Wade, pay disparity being addressed, women standing up and saying “me too” or “enough is enough.” So little sunspots, but not substantive change that I want. ‘Cause I have no attention span, I’m incredibly impatient, and I want everything right now. So, what I want, at least in America, since we lead the world, apparently, I want a new ratio of power. And I want it Monday. Easy to wish for. I want 75/25 women running things. Now… and I’m not trying to get in your good graces, ladies. Because Jefferson instructs me that anyone with power will be corrupted by it. And if you think a person with a vagina can’t turn into an authoritarian psychopath, give them a few generations of power and they will do it. However, won’t it be a great experiment to see, with women running things, would there be less war? There’s only one way to find out. What would healthcare be like if women ran it? People who give birth. What would that be like for women’s reproductive health rights, kids with physical challenges? What would education be like if women are running the show, going, “I’m not training these kids to become soldiers. ‘Cause I don’t want my kid going to a foreign war and dying.” So how do you establish 75/25 power share in America by Monday? Not peacefully. And this is the part of the discussion -which I can never… -[applause] I can’t get it to work because a lot of men are going to have to die. -[laughter, cheering] -And… certainly, I don’t wanna. So if any of you women go on a killing spree, remember it was kinda my idea. And I’m one of the cool ones. And so… So what do you do? And I’m just thinking out loud here. You know, just an idea. But like NASCAR, there’ll be a NASCAR event and all of these men will be looking like, “Where did the women go? Where did the women go? My hand– I had my hand up one and she left. It was my daughter or your daughter. I forget. Where’d they go? What’s that overhead?” [explosion sound] “It’s an air strike and I’m burning.” And so… this is… This is why I think these thoughts. What is the most detrimental thing to progress in our fine United States? It’s not weak borders, it’s not gays wanting to have equal rights, it’s not those brown people, it’s not Al Qaeda, it’s not Islam. It’s white men. It’s white men. -[applause] -And of course… But what about the cool ones? Yeah! I’d like to think I’m one. -[laughter] -We’ll see, right? “I’m sorry, Henry.” A machete. [grunting] And my– if one of you women kills me with a machete, I promise you my dying words will be, “Cool.” Because… not boring! Not boring. And so obviously you can’t slaughter millions of Caucasian men. And so we’re going to have to do some evolution. And so how do you do that? You just keep pushing people off balance. Keep standing up, and those who have the bravery to stand up, you stand up next to them and say, “You’re not alone. I got you.” Like all those amazing young people who marched the other day to save their own lives, thankfully a lot of people who weren’t young got in line and got on those streets with them saying, “I’ve got you. You are the future. I am your fan. You’ll never know who I am. But I’ve got your back in ways you don’t even know. I’ve been waiting for you. I can’t wait! So stay brave, and always know that I am right behind you.” And as a man hurtling towards 60, I reckon my job is to clear the lane so these people can get through. What you’re going to see in this century, in your lifetime, in the next several years, is a generational shift. And that’s why these people are so angry. Because they know, without a doubt in their mind, that the earth is shifting underneath their feet. And when you see a completely awful thing, like what happened at that school in Florida recently, then you see what happens afterwards. And you see these amazing young people, -and it is part and parcel… -[cheering] …of the age we live in. Where you have this completely awful thing happen, yet you have these cool, articulate, well-meaning young people who are not only quite sure of where they’re going, but did you notice this? They’re camera ready. And that’s one of the upsides of everyone being in front, like, selfie, “Okay, you go, skate down those stairs, hit the rail, and then bounce off that car.” Ev– they’re all ready for their close-up. And when you see these kids going down the barrel of national news cameras, wiping away the tears as they speak, making more sense than their candy-ass representatives will ever make, then you realize… [cheering] You realize every good thing that you did and will do matters. ‘Cause if anything, you have to be there for them. I am 57. It all hurts now. I am high on aspirin, just to stand up straight. And so if these kids who say, “Come march with us,” I’m like, “No. No. I’m just gonna– I’m gonna sit, actually. And I’m gonna clap twice, lie down, get up to some graham crackers and a juice box. ‘Cause I don’t– I’m with you! But I can’t do the miles. So hopefully I’ve been looking out so you can happen. And so now you’ll be looking out so I can happen until I die.” Um, just a quick story about perception. Because these days, with the internet and things being what they are, all of a sudden, someone has an opinion of you without ever meeting you or talking to you. And quite often the facts are not exactly correct. And sometimes it’s awful. And sometimes it’s really funny. And so a funny thing happened to me several months ago. Well, it started many years ago. Many years ago, in the 1990s, I was living in New York City. And my bandmates lived there, so I defaulted and became an East Village resident, which was nothing but fun. It was fantastic. And so one day, I’m– in 1994 or 5… 5, maybe, uh, I was walking to band practice for like a noon band practice, I got there, at, like, 11:45. ‘Cause I put the “punk” in “punctual.” I’m always on time. I’ve never said that line before. Anyway… I’m milling around in the front lounge of the practice place waiting on my band members to drag themselves out of their small East Village apartments. And I’m alone in the front lounge, except for a very handsome man. Light-skinned African American man, no hair, wearing a suit, open-toed sandals, if I remember. He looks like a male model. And I’m impressed ’cause I don’t wear fancy clothes. I’m like, wow, he wears them and he wears them well. And the man nods at me, and I nod back, as man are wont to do. And then he gets up and he just keeps… I’m like, wow, you are really tall. But everyone’s tall to me ’cause I’m short. I’m like, wow, that’s… you’re impressive. And he walks over and looks down and I look up. And he said, “You’re Henry Rollins.” I said, “Yes, sir, I am.” He said, “I’m a fan of yours.” I said, “Oh, well, thank you.” Like, you know, shake the tall guy’s hand so he doesn’t like, you know, beat you to death. So I said, “Oh, thank you, sir.” He said, “My name is RuPaul.” -And… -[cheering] I didn’t recognize him without his fighting gear on. Like, the whole outfit. But if you look at the cheekbones and the eyes, that– you’re like, “You are RuPaul! Damn! I’m such a fan of yours!” And that’s one of the difficulties I have. I’m a fan of a lot of people and I don’t have a very good filter. Like, I– my tail doesn’t wag a little. It literally wags off my body. And when I see bands I know, and they will give me a moment of their time, I’m unnerving to be around. Like, “Did you hear that bootleg seven-inch that came out of your last tour? It’s got two songs, one’s recorded really badly, but the other one’s recorded really well. I have a different version of that from a different tape, so if you ever want to hear a different version of it, and it came out in canary yellow vinyl, there’s a red vinyl version, and on eBay, I battled a guy for a clear and red version, it cost me $348, but what the hell? I have it and he doesn’t. ‘Cause there’s nothing I like more than beating another adult man who lives with his parents on something on eBay. I feel– I feel defeated and crushed when I lose, but I feel like a damn Viking when I win.” And the guy in the band’s like, -“Okay.” -[cheering, applause] And he’ll say something nice, like, “My dad liked your music,” as he’s trying to leave. And whenever I see J Mascis of Dinosaur Jr., a band I love, there’s no bad records, there’s no bad songs, I really try some restraint whenever I’m around J. I’m like, this time I’m gonna be cool. I’m gonna say, “Hey, J. Good to see you.” And J will say, “Yeah…” And whenever I see him, I’m like, “J! Oh, damn, man! The last album is so good! It is so good! It’s better than ever! You are better than ever! How are you doing?!” “Oh, all right.” I’m like… And he must like see me and like, “Where can I go?” He wants to run, ’cause I’m a maniac. So I’m standing with RuPaul. And I’m looking up at this man, and I said, “Damn, man! I like the cut of your jib. I like when you’re in your fighting gear. I think you’re amazing. I think you think outside the box. You’re amazing. Do you remember, 1985, Atlanta, Georgia, the fanzine Neighborhood Threat, named after the Iggy Pop song. It was like a newspaper folded. A picture of you above the fold, of course. And you’re holding like a torch, you got some paint on your face, and like a grass skirt, and it says, ‘RuPaul, sex freak.’ And underneath the fold is a photo of me looking like I’m wired on Thorazine, like… It says, ‘Henry Rollins, hex creep.'” He said, “I remember that.” I said, “You have a copy of it?” He said, “I don’t think so.” I said, “I have three.” In… in an acid-free Mylar archival environment. And he said, “Wow, you’re really intense.” I said, “You have no idea, man!” And so I just liked him immediately. You know when you have those experiences, you meet someone and you just like them. I just liked RuPaul. ‘Cause, you know, I think when the history book gets written on this century, RuPaul’s gonna be much more than a tall, handsome guy in a dress. RuPaul keeps people alive. ‘Cause there’s LGBT people all over the world and they get told, “You’re awful, you’re not my brother, you’re not my son, you’re not my daughter, you’re awful, get out of here.” And sometimes they kill themselves. Sometimes they hurt themselves. They spend their whole life not feeling right. And then they see RuPaul, like in his fighting gear, like just up there going, “Yeah, I’m in a dress and a wig and I look good and I’m getting paid. -And I’m here!” -[cheering] And… I mean, this is Portland, and you’re all groovy and smart and literate. But imagine being gay in one of the Dakotas. Imagine being gay in Oklahoma. That might be a really heavy lift. That might be damn impossible. And RuPaul gives strength to people like that. I know he does. And so he’s not only an entertainer type and an entrepreneur, but he– to me, he’s a fantastic civil rights activist. And he’s brave. And he thinks outside the box. I mean, he just came up with this idea, you know, he didn’t invent drag, of course. But he took it to levels, like he– You’ll never get him out of the American conversation. He is in there like death and taxes. He is in there. And he’s given a lot of people room to move. So I will always be a fan and defend him down to my last breath. And I kind of said all that to him in my inarticulate way many years ago, and he kind of went, “Wow. You’re talking a lot, a lot of spit flying.” And so RuPaul does something that I can’t do, ’cause I’m uptight and weird. He will write me out of the blue, “Hey, Henry, it’s RuPaul. Thinking of you. Hope you’re having a good day.” I don’t know what to do about that. ‘Cause I’m not a mean person, I’m just really screwed up. I don’t do that with people ’cause I’m afraid they’ll write back and then you write back and then they write back and… It’s just I don’t wanna… I don’t… just no. And so I don’t know how to answer this completely benevolent well wish. And I look at the email and pace in my office staring at it. How do I reply? “Dear RuPaul, I was just about to write you.” That’s a lie! That’s a lie. Not that I don’t wanna write the guy, I just don’t have anything to say. And to me saying like, “I was just thinking about you,” I would expect him to write back, “When?” And– like was it 1027 hours, 1423 hours? What were you doing? What were you wearing? What were you eating? Like, prove it! And I don’t want to have to like, “Uh…” And so I will just stare at it and I’ll write back in this kind of uptight, clinical way, “Dear RuPaul, thank you so much for your letter and your inquiry as to my life and health. By– just by the nature of the fact that I’m responding to you means that I am in a semi-operational state. I appreciate your interest and help and wisdom over the years. Yours forever…” I don’t know what to do. I’m just like dialing it in from some Hallmark greeting card. And so every once in a while he’ll write me, “Hey, be a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Which was interesting, be the only serious judge on the show. In that everyone’s having a really good time but me. I have a notepad out. [mumbles] “The pirouette was very circular. Never wrote the word ‘pirouette’ before. I give the pirouette a seven five. Why? I have never given a numerical assessment of a pirouette. I’ve never used ‘pirouette’ in a sentence. Why am I here?” But I’m taking it very seriously. And– at lunchtime, I said, “RuPaul, I don’t know. We’re gonna have to kick one of the drag queens off RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t know.” And I have like five pages of steno notes. And he said, “You take everything really seriously, don’t you?” I’m like… “What do you mean?” Meanwhile, completely firm in the knowledge that I’m a heterosexual male. Which means nothing when you’re 57. It means nothing. Like, “I’m heterosexual.” Be like, “Oh, you’re so cute. Oh, that’s darling. He’s heterosexual. Oh! Well, you… you go have fun with that.” And so I’m sitting with all these people who are having a really good time. Not me. I’m studying ’cause we have to kick one drag queen off RuPaul’s Drag Race by the end of the show, and damn it, I wanna make the right decision. Meanwhile, these men see that I’m the only one giving them my undivided attention, so they in kind give me their undivided attention. And so now all the drag queens are like looking at you. [hums song] And I’m like, “Me?” And they’re like, “Yes.” And I can feel the four drops of blood that remain in my lizard-like body starting to move to the center of my body. And I’m like, “Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, no. No, no. No.” And it’s not like, “Eww, it’s a man.” It’s like, no, it’s a false flag operation. It’s a fool’s errand. I mean, there will be no ecstatic result. And so I like… [imitates static] “Mayday, mayday. Please call off the blood flow.” [static] And then like three minutes later, they’re like… [hums song] Because obviously I’m not as evolved as I thought I was. I’m just a tadpole. And what turns me on? Apparently, any human looking at me smiling in a short skirt. I’m like, “I’m in! -Hooray!” Which… -[cheering] …might make the rest of my life pretty easy. Just close my eyes, open my mouth, stick my tongue out and walk into the party. [cheering] And the first thing that goes… [makes gulping sound] You go home and… that’s the weekend. Anyway, after I do RuPaul’s Drag Race, and after many well-wishing letters out of nowhere, which I can’t thank the man enough for, he makes me a better person. At one point, he wrote and he said, “Hey. I’ve got this show that I do where I put people in my car, I put a camera on ’em and a microphone, and we drive around L.A. and we do their errands, and I interview them and I cut it together, and it’s a show! You wanna be on it?” I went, “Yeah.” He said, “When?” I said, “Tomorrow?” He said, “10?” I said, “Yeah.” So the next day, he picks me up and we get into his like 900-year-old Fiat. And GoPro on me, GoPro on him, microphones. And we’re going down the driveway. I said, “Okay. So we’re starting the errand run. We’re gonna go down to the… the end of the street, we’re gonna make a left. But then after that, it’s a series of right turns.” He said, “You took me seriously about running errands?” He said… “Do you know who you’re sitting in a car with?” I said, “It is a fantastic errands run. It’s all right turns into parking lots. I made a dry run at 0330 hours this morning. It’s fantastic.” And so he’s like, “Okay.” And– and I have this list of things to do. And so finally we get to the end and we did all of the things on the to-do list. And he’s like, “Wow, that was really efficient.” I said, “Fantastic. We could have picked up a few more minutes. But, you know, it’s okay.” Because, well, you know, I’m gonna be dead soon. Time, time, time. Everything’s important to me. And so we get to the end. He said, “Okay. You’ve been a very good guest. How about free lunch?” It’s like the two best words in the English language put together: “free,” what’s it gonna be? “Lunch,” yes! It’s… food tastes better when it’s free. Even if it’s awful. You’re like… “No, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s a deer’s eye, but it’s okay.” And so he said, “I know this great place in West L.A. Japanese place, let’s go.” I said, “Let’s go.” And so I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Los Angeles. Please come and visit. Bring the gas mask and Kevlar. You know, we’re Second Amendment happy. And… and there’s part of L.A. called West L.A. Otherwise known as gay L.A. And that’s not putting the part of town down. Rainbow flags fly proudly on the perfectly manicured lawn that separates eastbound and westbound traffic on Santa Monica Boulevard. The shops are beautiful, the smells coming out of the restaurants are fantastic, the people on the street are the epitome of Southern Californian healthy living. Like old men and women yoga bodies, flexible, good-looking when they’re half naked. And everyone’s like showing a lot of… a lot of flesh, fantastic hair, interesting glasses, bright… bright white teeth, they’re just like… [grunts] Like, “How old are you?” “88.” Like… Well, wow! “Yeah!” Just like… ‘Cause, you know, the night is young. And so we… we are in the depths of West L.A. And we park in this massive parking garage. And RuPaul and I emerge onto Santa Monica Boulevard. Which is teeming with human traffic. Both of us are recognized almost immediately. And people are so happy. The wave of joy that we unleashed on Santa Monica Boulevard, they’re still talking about it right now. At first people looked like they’d seen a ghost. They’re like… “Yes!” [imitates slap] “I told you, I told you.” And people are like hugging each other. “Yes, yes, yes! Power couple!” -[laughs] -[applause] And I’m like sneaking glances over at people like… I’m like, “Thanks. But it’s not what you think.” Like, “Oh, please, let it be. Let it be.” And of course, in this modern age… [imitates camera click] And I said, “RuPaul? I think we’re an item.” And I forget what he said. And so we cross the street, we eat in the restaurant, and it was really good. And we had a great conversation, as always, he’s brilliant. And he drops me off at my place. A few hours later, in come the email. When people write me, you started it, and if you’re gonna be an idiot, I get to play with you as much as I want. You’re the mouse, I’m the cat. And this is going to take a while. Especially when your first email to me is, “Dude, I’m a young man in the American Midwest. Dude, totally freaking out in my small room, pacing back and forth. Dude, tell me you are not dating RuPaul. Dude, I’ve got all your records out, I’m ready to take them to the record store and trade them in. I’m not homophobic, but this is just a lot for me to handle, dude. Like you gotta hit me back ASAP. ‘Cause I am totally freaking out.” Do I write him back? Yes. Five hours later. Just let him just… just spin over the fire. What I want is for him to take out all those records and play them one last time, looking for the gay inferences… that no doubt wait like Easter eggs, and now that I’m dating RuPaul, all shall be revealed. It’s like, “Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Damaged I and Damaged II. All right, he’s damaged ’cause he’s gay. It’s just he’s gay, there’s an encore, part two. Whoo! Like, okay. Right? My War. My gay war. Right? ‘Cause they don’t like me and I don’t like them. Eh! I’m gonna give it to them. Okay, yeah. I got it, I got it. Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh, no. No! Slip It In. No! Oh, no! [cheering] I sang that song so many times! Ah! Ahh! Ah!” And so let him do that. And then finally, I write him back, like hours later. “Dear young person in the Midwest, RuPaul and I? Well, I wouldn’t call it dating. But I would say that last weekend left a mark.” [imitates explosion] ‘Cause he’s now going to go to whatever social platform he goes to… “Ah! Oh, no!” Please do that. Do it a lot. A whole lot. Have your friends multiply it. Like, all of a sudden, all across the world, “Henry Rollins is dating RuPaul. Oh, no!” And there’s gonna be a lot of people like, “So what? That’s cool. They’re adults. They’re both old. They’ll have fun together. They can sit in parks and watch pigeons. They’re in their fifties. They won’t get up to much without medication. They’ll be fine.” And maybe it starts a conversation. Like, “Well, if he is gay, then why do you have a problem with that? If you like the music he made or the things he says onstage, why would his orientation make a difference?” “I… uh!” And maybe some person overcomes a hurdle they didn’t know that was there to be jumped over. I don’t know. I just like creating trouble here and there because you can go through your life, “I’m balancing, I’m perfectly balanced, I’m going to the cubicle, then I’m going home, and I’m going to have the same dinner.” And all of a sudden, bonk! Henry’s making with a six-foot-something male model black guy. [mumbles] And all of a sudden, we’re awake again. And so I sent this young man off on a tizzy. And I got a similar letter, you know, the next day, like, “Tell me it’s not true.” And so I wanted to crank it up. And so I wrote back, “Dear young person, um, fisting. Gets a bad rap. I think ’cause so many people saw the film Caligula. -Where… -[audience cheering] It was an assault. Certainly not the way I’d like to be woken up. However, with proper relaxation and preparation, and a hi sign, it can…” [imitates explosion] And so far, these two people have not written me back. Two quick stories about ego. One, from many years ago. I was at a festival, and– with my bandmates and I, big European festivals… [whispers] No one liked us that much. Well, no, it’s– I’m fine. I’m fine. But thank you. I… your empathy is noted. So we were always like one of the first bands on. Like, “10am, get ’em on, get ’em off.” By 10:45, we’re done. No one saw us. There’s like two kids riding out the last of their ketamine from the night before when this muddy field was a rave. They kind of wake up in mud like, “Hey!” [grunts] And all you can hear between songs like, [static] “Bad band is almost offstage. Bad band is almost offstage.” And so we’d be offstage, showered and done for the day by around 11:00, but you can’t leave. ‘Cause all the other bands have now come onto the grounds, with like eight busses, five trucks, they’re gonna build a live volcano for The Verve, you know, and they’re hurling volcanic soil onto the stage. There’s like a 90-ton thing and they’re gonna feed four fans into the mouth of the volcano. Well, they signed up for it. Anyway, so I am trapped, and the rest of the day all I hear is like, “Hey, it’s good to be back in Holland.” [roars] Like, a field of people like 30,000 people, “Yay!” I’m like, wow, that’s so not me. That’s just not my life. And you just have to suck it up and take it. You’ll always be on the sideline, third string. And so I’m standing there like, you know, hearing some guy over the PA, “This is our new single.” “Yeah!” Never gonna be me. David Bowie walks by me. And like you, I love those records. There’s not one thing wrong with those records. The more you play them, the better they get. And so he looks fantastic. Hair perfect. Suit perfect. I go rigid. Officer on deck. And so I just stand there, silent as can be, ’cause I don’t want to be like the thing that makes David Bowie fly away like a rare bird. Like if I– if I go like… [coughs, fluttering sound] People are like, “Why’d you do that to David Bowie? He’s rarer than the snowy egret in Chincoteague in October. Like, why did you do that?” And so I’m like, [whispers] “David Bowie’s walking by me. I am such a fan. This is all I need. Twenty years later, I’ll be standing on a stage with cameras rolling saying, ‘David Bowie walked by me, and I was fine.’ So I don’t need to meet him. I just like to be near him. I’m fine.” So I’m standing there like, “Wow. That’s– I like the cut of his jib. Good posture.” And he’s walking by me, from like me, you know, to like ten rows back. And he stops and looks to his left. And points at me, and says, “Rollins!” I go running at David Bowie… with my right hand extended like a lance. Not know what I’m going to say when I get there. Like if I said, “Ah! Bowie!” That’s like two professors greeting each other down the long hallways of academia. “Good morning, Plato.” “Hello, Socrates.” [makes slapping sound] No! And so I ran up to him and I stuck my hand out and I think I went, “Ahhh…” ‘Cause these people, their records aren’t just something to me, they saved me. You know? These records saved your ass. And so… [cheering, applause] Whenever I see Iggy Pop, I’m like, “Hey!” He’s like, “Hey, Henry, how are you, man?” I’m like, “That’s my name! Ahh!” I can’t stand it. Anyway, I walk up to David Bowie, or as our band members affectionately called him, the Bow, and I think I went… [mumbles] And he shook my hand, and before I could say anything, he said, “Henry, you said something in an interview in a magazine last month that I found very interesting.” And proceeded to quote me back to me. [cheering] I went numb. I’m like, “You read an interview of mine?” And he kind of blew me off. Said, “Are you kidding? I read all your interviews. You’re very interesting. Now, last year in a magazine in Germany, you said this.” And he proceeds to quote me from something he translated from German from a year ago. I’m like, “I did say that. Sure sounds better when you say it.” All I wanted was a highway and a truck. Just like, kill me, ’cause my life is never getting better than this. -And so… -[cheering, applause] He said, “Have you had lunch yet?” I went, “No.” He said, “Well, let’s go have lunch.” I go, “Let me check my day planner. Okay.” And so we go into the catering tent, which has like hundreds of people in it. And everyone stops because David freaking Bowie walks into the tent. And like large Viking roadie men have like half a deer going towards their mouth. And like… And he played it perfectly. “Good afternoon. I don’t want to disturb anyone’s meal. Please carry on.” He got a standing– Like, “Oh, that was… that was so beautiful. That was better than “Red Sails” on Lodger. Oh!” And so we get some food and we sit down and we’re eating and we’re talking about everything, you know, from his friend Lou Reed, his friend Iggy Pop, and on and on. And the entire mess hall is listening to our conversation. ‘Cause it’s David Bowie. My bandmates find out who I’m eating lunch with. They come running in. And they all run up, “Henry,” big smiles on their faces, pretending they like me, like, “Introduce us to your friend.” So I said, “David, meet Dopey, Sleepy…” And so to each one of them, he said, “How do you do? I’m David.” Like they don’t know. And– and they all kind of… [makes banging sound] And we all just sat around him and watched him eat. Like… We’re all grown men. And the way you masticate is so dreamy. And he starts looking at us like, “I’m at a table full of weirdos.” And so he said, “Um, I’ve gotta go get ready to play.” We’re like… And as cynical as my bandmates were, ’cause I’m a fanboy of everybody, we meet some band like, “Wow, that was so cool!” They’re like, “Henry, they’re just people in a band.” I’m like, “Not to me. Saved my life too many times just to be somebody in a band.” But even those guys sitting on the tour bus later that night after we watched Mr. Bowie play, the most cynical one said, “I hate to admit this, but that was really cool.” I went, “Ah! See? You’re not dead yet.” Many years ago, I was at the practice place, same place where I met RuPaul all those years ago. Struggling with my band members, trying to make some music. It wasn’t going very well. We’re just– it’s not– We’re having a bad month. Year. And so we’re grinding away and someone comes in from the front lounge, where the phone is. “Ozzy Osbourne‘s people just called. And they want you to open a couple of shows for Ozzy in Florida, what do you say?” I said yes so fast I sprained my face. “Yeah! Ah! Oh!” I’ve loved that guy since I was 12. My band members were far less enthusiastic. They’re like, and one of them said, “But Henry, he’s rock.” I was like, “Oh! Oh, am I gonna pull rank right now. You– you salaried band member. You will start learning the set ’cause in three weeks, we are opening for Ozzy Osbourne.” And they just had to take it ’cause I’m El Jefe. And so we get all practiced up. We’ve got the set ready. And we fly down to Florida. And we overnight in Florida, then we’re taken to the megadome, some huge place. And we’re put on a golf cart and sent, you know, miles below the earth’s surface to one of those really scary utilitarian dressing rooms or locker rooms that hold like 55 naked men after they’ve bashed each other’s brains in. And they have those showers for all the men to use at once, with the really bad feeling water that comes like, “Ow, ow!” It all hurts. And I walked into this like massive hallway of spigots thinking, “Could I stand naked with a bunch of other men, snapping towels and dropping soap?” And I realized that… no. Not at all. Way too uptight! And so we’re looking at the amenities that we’ve been given in our like wooden bench, fluorescent light dressing room. now that we are in the big time. We had a can of Coke, an apple, and a coffee mug with nothing in it. That’s it. And we kind went, “Well, that’s the big time.” The door bursts open. It’s Ozzy Osbourne. He has a cigar. “Which one of you guys is Henry, man?” I said, “I am.” “Hey, Henry, my name is Ozzy, man! Thank you for coming on the tour, man! We have a PA, it’s really loud. Play it as loud as you want! If you want to blow it up, blow it up! Have a really good time! Ah!” And he leaves. Total time, 11 seconds. It was fantastic. My bandmates were duly impressed. Like, “That was… that was pretty amazing.” He like swept in, swept out, and there’s an ash. And so we do opening for the big rock act soundcheck. You get on stage. Deh! “All right, thank you.” “But… no, I was just plugging in.” “You’re the opening band. That’s all the soundcheck you get. We can hear your instruments. Go.” Back on the golf cart… [whirring sound] So I say to the band members, I said, “Look. No one’s gonna want to see us play. Okay? That’s the downside of this show. They only want one guy, one guy only. And it’s none of us, it’s Ozzy. So if you see a laser dot on your shirt, that’s a sniper. Keep playing, but run in an evasive zigzag pattern while you play.” I said to our drummer, “If you see the laser dot, you’re kind of stuck with your seat. You’re a drummer. You can take anything. So just, you know, suck it up and get shot for the cause.” I said, “If you see any toothless wonders with a meth lab at home, with a brick or hatchet, or a Motley Crue eight-track to bash you over the head with, just run, but keep playing as long as possible.” I’m just trying to give them every nightmare scenario so they’re ready. And so, “Okay, your time.” And we get on the golf cart. [whirring sound] And we jump out on the stage with thousands of people. And I said, “Hey, uh… we’re the Rollins Band.” [soft roar] Like, damn! I’m Freddie Mercury at Wembley! Like… no, you can hear them roar! And the whole band’s like, “Damn! Okay.” So we play the first song like… [drum sounds] It comes to an end. [soft roar] I’m like, yeah! I did things that day that I have never done before in my life. Things that punk rock instruct me to never do! You never address an audience by the city or the state, like, “Hey, Florida!” Don’t do it. Don’t do it. If I walked out and was like, “Hey, what’s up, Portland? Ow!” I mean, it’s just disingenuous and patronizing. I don’t do it. It came out of me. ‘Cause when you see 20,000 people going… [soft roar] It just, Heimlich, like, “All right, Florida!” [soft roar] I started working the stage. If you’ve noticed, I’ve been standing stock still ’cause I’m concentrating. You think this is easy, it’s not. And so I started working the stage. Which is nauseating just to say that. But I’m like… And I’m thinking like, “What am I– what am I doing? What– what is this chicken thing I’m doing?” And like people are digging it. [soft roar] And then as the songs go on, I’m coming up with this dumb stuff to say. “That’s our bass player over there playing bass! Yeah!” [soft roar] “All right! Our drummer!” [soft roar] We can do no wrong. So we finish the show. I think we call came out to the front of the stage, ala The Scorpions, like… And I said something awful like, “Next time we’re gonna come back and [high-pitched] rock you! Yeah!” And we get back on the golf cart hearing… [soft roar] [whirring sound] We can barely get our heads into the dressing room, knowing that next time we come back to Florida, that is our audience. We’ve got ’em! And so I shower up alone. “Fellas, don’t come in, I’ll be naked.” I run up the top side, ’cause I wanna watch Ozzy play. The band is onstage. Ozzy’s standing right there facing the stage. Audience, band, Ozzy on stage right, your left. He’s like this. And I walk up and go, “Hey, Ozzy. How are you?” “Oh, hey, man! Is there anyone out there?” I went, “It’s like 19,000 people. You smell the WD40? That’s how they got the last 3,000 in.” He’s like, “Oh. I always worry that no one’s gonna show up.” I went, “Ozzy, when have you not sold out a place? Like since 1968?” “I don’t know, man. But in the afternoons, I get really nervous and depressed that no one will show up, man.” I went, “Uh, they’re here.” And just to hear him say that, that he has trepidation about no one showing up, I’m like, wow. That’s impressive. So he kind of goes back to this… Like I’m not there. Sharon Osbourne appears out of nowhere. All of a sudden, she’s there. She gets right behind Ozzy, “Ozzy!” And I was like, “Ah!” And she just… And he goes out like, “Ah!” He runs out onstage. And this– this switch is flipped. And suddenly, “Ah! Let’s go crazy!” And you hear the sound of the sky being ripped in half. It’s like a 747 taking off in your mind. [roaring] And that’s 20,000 people on their feet cheering. And that’s when you realize… [soft roar] …is the sound of 20,000 people all going like, “How many more songs do they have? Can I have some of that?” [inhales] “God! The Rollins Band, they suck!” [grunts] “Oh, this song… what’s he doing like…?” [coughs] “Oh, this is the worst crap I’ve ever seen.” And that’s what… [soft roar] is. And it was such a humbling lesson. And I do my best to never forget that moment. Because I’m always coming from that microscopic, little… [soft roar] …lest I lose the plot. Have a great weekend. Good night, thanks. [cheering, applause] Thanks. Couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you, good night.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Joe Mande’s Award-Winning Comedy Special (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-mandes-award-winning-comedy-special-transcript/

Awesome. How’s everyone doing? My name is Joe Mande. I’m a comedian, and in two weeks, I am shooting my first one-hour comedy special. It sounds stupid to some people, but I take comedy very seriously. We forgot Domino’s delivered pizza. That’s funny. It’s my life. I eat, breathe, shit and fuck comedy. That’s why this special is such a big deal for me. I have to get it just right, and I think if I can live up to my potential… I can win the American Humour Award. It’s the most prestigious award in comedy. All the legends of this industry have won it: Whoopi Goldberg, Seinfeld, Todd Barry. The list goes on on and on. And as you can see, I made some room right here on my bookshelf for the American Humour Award trophy. Kind of lonely there right now, but it’II look good. Well, thanks for meeting me, guys. I thought, since we’re friends and you both have won the American Humour Award, I thought I could get a little quick advice from you. You think you can win an American Humour Award in your first special? – Um, yeah. – He has the personality, first of all. When he walks out, everybody’s gonna like him. The judges are gonna like him. You’re aware there are judges? But the judges… It’s not just about him and the material. It’s the set design, it’s his wardrobe. The intro is huge for the judges. You know the judges are gonna be there? I just need to know what I need to do to win. What’s the process? This is what the judges want out of an intro. For real. Smart, smart. Yeah. – You’re shooting in New York? – Correct. Black-and-white, slow-mo, shots of the city. You and the city and the people and the traffic and the… – Yeah. – All that shit, like hot dog carts. – Yeah. Taxis. – Horses. So really just emphasize that I’m in New York. – You’re Jewish, right? – I am Jewish, yeah. – Shit. – All right. – You need ten applause breaks. – At least ten. – And you cannot space them too close. – Ten applau… – Right. – Oh, my God. – And the most important thing. – The director. – The director. Okay. – Make sure you get a wonderful… the best you can get. Who do you know? Who are you using? I was thinking about getting my buddy Dan. – Who the fuck is Dan? – Your buddy Dan? He did a pilot last year. I heard it was good. – I don’t think so. – This is gonna sound mean. You’re nothing, you’re nobody, you’re kind of a piece of shit. – That seems mean. Yeah. – That’s mean. You’re gonna need to get a director that has a name. Okay, I need a famous director. – Yeah. -1964. I won. That’s the first time I won. I had a very famous director. Joel Schumacher. You might have heard of him. ‘Cause I had done Batman Forever with him. -1984, Kevin Costner directed it. – Damn. And 2004… McG? – Of course. – McG, yeah. – McG directed your special? – Legendary. Yeah. Tell you what, working with McG, man, he lets you do what you wanna do, has fun, and he just loves to laugh. – Can I get McG, you think? – You got all you need. You don’t need us. You’re gonna be fine, and if not, fucking who cares? Are you all right? I’ve never seen you miss like that before. I’m really distracted. I’m sorry. I’m shooting my special next week, and I still haven’t found a famous director. – Oh, man, that sucks. – Yeah. I’ve asked everyone. I’ve asked Ang Lee, Michael Bay. Even the Wachowskis to do, like, some crazy, like, futuristic trans thing. They’re not into it. How do you even, like, get in contact with those people? It’s real easy. You just write an e-mail to, like, stevenspielberg@gmail.com. That doesn’t seem like a very good system. Really? What’s your e-mail again? – Blakegriffin@gmail.com. – Exactly. It should work. I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with these people. It just doesn’t seem that hard to direct a stand-up special. How I would do it, just two cameras, one close up, one head-to-toe. Put one on a jib, just let it rock and roll. – Sure. – You know? You don’t need a famous person to direct your special. Dude, you’re right. I don’t actually need a famous person to be there. Well, that’s not what I said. No, it’s exactly what you said, and it’s brilliant. I’m gonna say Roman Polanski directed my special. I don’t think that’s a good idea, man. It’s your idea, and I appreciate it. It’s a lie. – He could sue you. – Oh, my God, I wish he would sue me. Are you kidding? He’d have to come back to America. He’d get arrested. I’m a national hero. Please promise me, for my sake, please, don’t do this. Blake, look, man. You’re my best friend. – You know that. – That’s true. – I’m not gonna do it. – Thank you. – Probably will just make people upset. – Exac… Thank you. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, um… Do you think maybe I could shoot a couple today? – What do you think we’re doing here? – You’re right. That was stupid. – Yeah. – Okay. Here you go. Wow. Still got it, man. I knew you had it. Can’t wait to see the special. Oh, I see him, I see him. Hi, Joe. Uh, your show starts in two minutes. Damn. Guess you could say it’s my time. ♪ I’m better than everybody I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody Shut up ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ Gills on my neck, bitch Call me Kevin Costner ♪ ♪ Mad ’cause I’m dead, ho Call me Laura Palmer ♪ Thank you. Thank you. Holy shit. Man, come on. New York, thank you. So cool. Unprompted. People stood up unprompted. Mark that down. Thanks for coming out. Holy shit. New York, how’s everyone doing? Good? So excited to be here. Um… So I, uh, look, I’m ethnically ambiguous. Whoo. No one could quite tell what I am. It’s interesting. And I grew… I’ve lived in big cities most of my life, and what I’ve learned is that, wherever I’m at, people just sort of assume I’m one of them. Does that make sense? I used to live in Brooklyn in a very, like, Puerto Rican neighborhood, and the whole time I lived there, everyone thought I was Puerto Rican. I have a pit bull, so that helped, you know. But if anyone was trying to get my attention on the street, they’d be like, “Hey, ¡papi! ¡Papi! ” And l’d turn around all confused like, “What? Me? You think I’m a papi? No, no, no. You’re mistaken. I’m the furthest thing from a papi.” Listen to how I say papi. Uh, about four years ago, I moved to Los Angeles. I moved to a neighborhood called Little Armenia. So everyone thinks I’m a little Armenian, which was… I don’t know, that’s fine. One of my best friend in Los Angeles is a black woman. Not to brag. We’ve been coworkers for years, and she just told me recently that for the first six months we worked together, she thought I was black. Do you understand? A black woman was like, “Yeah, I thought you were a light-skinned black guy.” And I looked at her, I was like, “Aisha, for real… that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” I’m a 33-year-old Jewish man. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life was a candid moment with a black person where they’re confused like, “What? You’re not… I thought you were black.” Like, confetti cannons went off behind me. Camp Lo “Luchini” started playing. It’s a black song. I got married about a year and a half ago to a human woman. Thank you. Did it. Did it. Um… The thing is, before we got married, my wife and I, we dated… “dated” for over ten years. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. It’s too long. I was told that’s too long. I don’t know what my deal was. I was dragging my feet. I don’t really have an excuse other than I tend to overintellectualize things, and whenever she brought up marriage in conversation, I would sort of be like, “Well, why does the government have any say if we love each other?” I was, like, that asshole. But then I woke up one morning couple years ago, I looked at her, I was like, “I love this person. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I don’t want to risk losing her and go back to wearing a condom.” No. Absolutely no. So that was my proposal. She said yes. One of our favorite things to do when we first started dating years ago was that we would go home and watch dating shows. It was, like, our thing, and, uh, I think my favorite TV show of all time, I don’t know if anyone remembers it, was a dating show on MTV called Next. Yeah. Some Next – heads in the crowd. Not only, to me, is that the best TV show of all time, I think, for real, it was the peak of humanity. Like, you can’t tell me that things have gotten better since Next was canceled. It’s all gone, like, straight to the toilet. Next was the best. If you’re not famil… Next was a dating show on Music Television… and the way it worked was MTV would find, like, a young 19-year-old girl. She’d be like, “Hi, my name is Crystal. I’m 19 years old, and I’m looking for a husband.” And MTV would be like, “Crystal, great news. We found three guys. They’re perfect husband material. They’re all deejays from San Diego.” “And they’ve all been pounding flavored vodka in the back of this party bus all afternoon.” And the party bus would pull up, and the first deejay would come down the stairs and be like, “What up? I wear flip-flops.” And then Crystal and Deejay Flip-Flops, uh, they would go on a date, right? And a date on Next, it’d be, like, 3 p.m., Van Nuys, California. These two idiots would walk into a candy store. Right? And make, like, anal beads out of Skittles. You know, like a date. What usually happened is that Crystal and Deejay Flip-Flops, there’s no connection, she doesn’t like him, he’s using too many yellow Skittles. And at any point, she could stand up, get right into his face and go, “Next!” It’s fucking humiliating, right? This poor guy would have to get up, like, stoically walk back on the party bus and be like, “I got ‘nexted.’” Then the second deejay would jump up, go down the stairs and be like, “What up? I wear cargo shorts.” And then Crystal and Deejay Cargo Shorts would go on an entirely different date. It’d be, like, 4:30 p.m., Van Nuys, California. They’d go across the street to, like, a day spa and, like, wax each other’s pubic hair. A date. What made the show amazing though was sometimes Crystal would catch feelings for the deejay, and instead of yelling “Next” into his face, she would go like this, she’d be like, “Um, Deejay Cargo Shorts, I just feel like we have a really strong connection. So I’m gonna stop this date, and you have a decision to make. You can either leave right now with one dollar for every minute we’ve been together… So you can leave with, literally, $37.” “Or you can come home with me and go on a second date.” That’s when shit got good, ’cause suddenly the perspective of the whole show flips to Deejay Cargo Shorts’s perspective and his conundrum, like, “Shit, do I take $37… or try to get my dick wet?” Best show of all time. No question. Like I said, I was dating my wife… my now wife… I was dating her for over ten years. She didn’t know this, but the whole time we were dating, I was pretending in my head we were on just an endless episode of Next, right? And at any point, we were gonna be on a date, like somewhere fancy like Chipotle, right? And l’d just be like, “Kylie, look. I love the way you’re eating… that burrito bowl, so I’m gonna stop this date right now. You have a decision to make. You can either leave right now with one dollar for every minute we’ve been together… which at this point is, literally, five and a half million dollars.” “Or you can come home with me, watch me have nightly panic attacks.” Tough choice. My wife’s cool. She, uh… We live in LA, but she comes here to New York a lot for work, and, uh, couple years ago, she was here in New York working, and I was in Los Angeles waking up. I was home alone, I get out of bed, I look down, and I had the most powerful morning wood I’ve ever had in my life. It was crazy. You should have seen it. Out loud… I looked down… I was like, out loud, “What? Like, that’s as good as it gets. That’s my Helen Hunt.” And so… I’ve never done this, but I ran over, I grabbed my phone, I took a picture of it. I took a few pictures of it. Never done that. Never sent a dick pic. Never… You know, I don’t know the etiquette. And it’s crazy in retrospect. What I did is I closed my camera and then called my wife at work. It was, like, 1 p.m. New York time. She’s in her office, her phone rings, she picks it up, she’s like, “Hello?” And I’m in LA like, “What’s up? Uh, hey, so, big news. Uh… Look, I’m gonna send you a picture of my dick… my hard dick.” And there was this long pause, and she was like… “Don’t.” And I was like, “Right. Right.” So that… That’s just a little peek into our relationship. Married life. I was at a party not too long ago in Los Angeles, and, uh, this guy walked into the party who was a classmate of mine from high school. I hadn’t seen him in, like, ten years, so I got up. We started talking about high school, reconnecting, talking about, like, teachers and girls and stuff. And then out of nowhere, he switched the “convo” to dogs. He started talking about this dog he rescued, and I was fucking on board, right? ‘Cause I love dogs. I got a little overexcited, ’cause I was like, “Dude, what? I love dogs. I’ve got a dog. I got a big white dog. A beautiful big white dog.” He was like, “That’s dope. Can I see a photo?” And I was like, “Uh, yeah.” No duh, right? So I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Yep. And… I swipe it open. And, as most of you have already surmised, the last photo I had taken was of my hard dick. It was the same day. My Helen Hunt, right? This really happened. It was a fucking living nightmare. That was verbatim too. He’s like, “Can I see your big white dog?” I was like, “Uh, yeah, bruh.” And then I show him my dick. Then I completely panicked and started tapping on the screen to make it go away… forgetting that just makes things bigger, like more detailed. So then I jam the phone back in my pocket, I look at him, and my impulse in the moment, I was about to yell, at a party, I was about to yell, “No! That’s my dick!” Right? ‘Cause all I cared about in that moment was that I didn’t want him to think I had some other dude’s hard dick on my phone. Like when I opened it, it was my wallpaper. But then that seemed, like, unnecessary. So I was just standing there stammering. And then I could see from his eyes that he could tell I was spiraling, right? And it just shows you how cool this dude is. He completely took control of the situation, calmly put his hand on my shoulder, and he was like… “Cool dick, bro.” I was like, “Well, thank you.” You know? That’s all I’m looking for, really, is some validation for my cool dick. Do you guys watch Shark Tank? – Whoo! – That’s my crowd. Shark Tank’s the best show since Next. I’m obsessed with Shark… I watch so much Shark Tank that I don’t really think of myself as a comedian, ’cause in my heart I know I’m an undiscovered entrepreneur. You know? This is real. I came home from that party where I showed that guy my dick. Not a joke. I came up with a business idea. I was just like, “That was so shitty, but I can’t be the only person. This must be universal. How do I monetize this?” My dream is to go on Shark Tank. This is a real business idea. I’m looking for investors. I want to come out, “Hello, Sharks, my name is Joe Mande. I have a very exciting idea for a website and mobile app. It’s gonna change the world. Basically, the way it works is, uh, every adult in the United States, anyone over 18 years old, will have to legally… be forced to put a picture of their dick or tits uh, onto my website.” I mean, that’s basically it. That’s the elevator pitch. I don’t have all night to, like, tell you the details, but… I’m also not getting the response I’m looking for, so I’m gonna keep going. I will convince you this is a good idea, um… Essentially, I mean, we’re gonna have to get the government involved in some respect. I imagine it would be like going to the DMV. You go in, take your clothes off. It’s a full frontal naked photo of your body, and that’s put onto my website, right? What’s important to know is no one can see this photo. It’s password-protected, it’s encrypted, it’s un-hackable. No one can see the photo of your naked body, um, unless they pay 99 cents. Right? Someone pays 99 cents, types in your name. They can look at your naked body for, like, 20 minutes. All right, I’m still… Like I feel some tension. I… Here’s the thing. It’s not pornography. Okay? I get so… Every time I try to describe or explain this idea to my friends, they’re like, “You’re describing pornography.” And I go, “No, I’m not. It’s not pornography if everyone’s on it. This is a paradigm shift. I’m a visionary.” Okay? It’s not pornography. It’s a new world. You just need an example. Okay. I will win you over, I swear to God. – Like, sir, what’s your name? – Alexis. Alexis. What’s your last name? – Strong. – Strong? That is cool. Okay. Great name for this product. Okay, so Alexis Strong. So let’s say this website already exists, right? Everyone could go home after the show, type in “Alexis Strong,” pay 99 cents… look at your dick for 20 minutes… I mean, I haven’t even gotten to the exciting part yet, but, like, goddamn, that’s cool. All right. But, Alexis, say someone does that. Someone pays 99 cents to look at your dick. Get this. You get that money! – Whoo! – Yeah, that’s right. Don’t even patronize me. Fucking think about that for a minute. Think about a world where this exists. It would change everything. It would revitalize the economy. It would end obesity as we know it. And I’m not being facetious when I say this: It’s great for women. Great for women. It’s a feminist idea. – Whoo! – Every woman in the United States would make at least $20 a day. And that’s basement. It shoots up from there. But every woman in the United States has at least 20 creeps in her life that are like… “It’s only 99 cents.” And it’s not weird. It’s not porn. It’s great for women. It would equalize dating for women too. I think that’s important. Because I couldn’t imagine being a woman… I can’t imagine, like, you meet a nice guy, you go on a few dates with him, he seems cool, and you’re finally comfortable, be intimate. Meanwhile, you have no idea what his dick looks like? What? How is that fair? That’s what the app is for. You meet a guy. You’re like, “What’s your name? What’s your last name? How do you spell that?” You go to the bathroom, type his name, pay 99 cents. You’re like, “Yeah. I could suck that dick.” Or whatever. It’s like you know if he has a cool dick or not. I think that’s awesome. It’s great for women, great for gay dudes. Uh, it’s great for guys with big dicks. Everything’s great for us. For us. Uh… Yeah, that’s convincing. “For us.” It’s great for guys with tiny dicks. l’II explain. Uh, imagine you’re at work, right? Someone comes in your office, and they’re like, “Did you hear about Gary in Accounting?” You’re like, “No, what happened to Gary?” Coworker’s like, “Uh, Gary has a micro-penis.” You’d be like, “Shut the fuck up! Get in here!” Right? He walks in. Twelve more coworkers come in. You close the door to your office, you lock it. Everyone crowds around your computer. You type in Gary’s name. You pay 99 cents. Gary’s micro-penis pops up on the screen. Everyone’s cracking up. Gary gets that money. See? Yeah, fuck it. Think about Gary for a minute, how much better his life is. So it’s called “Dickstarter.” That’s the… Dickstarter.biz. It’s my dream to go on Shark Tank, prime-time TV, pitch that. All the Sharks are horrified. They’re like, “I’m out, I’m out, I’m out, I’m out.” That’s stupid though. I do have a real business idea. This one’s for real. I’m looking for investors. So I come out, be like, “Hello, Sharks, my name’s Joe Mande. I have a product that I know will change the world. Before I even get into it, uh, let me ask you, Sharks, what’s the best feeling in the world? Coming. Right, it is coming. And, uh, yeah. What’s the best form of coming? It has to be autoerotic asphyxiation, right? It has to be. Scientifically, it has to be. Why else would you put your life at risk to feel that rush if it wasn’t the best kind of rush? I wouldn’t know for sure. I’ve never done it. I’m way too big of a pussy to ever autoerotic asphyxiate myself. Until today.” And I take off my belt and go, “Sharks, I present the Air Belt. It’s a great… It’s gonna change life… Everyone’s gonna feel that rush. The way it works, it’s like any other belt, keeps your pants up. But when you feel the urge, man or woman, to jack off to the ultimate extreme, right? You put the belt around your neck, get it as tight as you can so now no oxygen flow can hit your brain. And then you just jack off as fast as you can. It’s a pretty simple two-step process.” I’m the only one onstage, so I have to do it. I put the belt around my neck, I’m, like, jacking off. Looking right at Mark Cuban, like, “Uh!” “Lori, lick your lips.” What makes this belt special is right here on the belt there is a heart monitor. Right? When the belt senses that your heart rate is down to a dangerously low level, it automatically loosens up so you don’t fucking die with a belt around your neck jacking off. The worst way to die. And I’m like handing out the belts to the Sharks. They’re all just like, “Oh, yeah, it works.” And I’m like, “So which one of you Sharks wants to join the Air Belt movement and come alive?” Banner falls down. “Come alive.” That’s pretty good. My parents saw me do stand-up recently. They were not into it. Not their cup of tea. My dad’s job when I was growing up, he was a juvenile prosecutor. I don’t know if you know what that means. He put kids in jail. That’s what my dad did when I was a kid. Needless to say, it wasn’t, like, the chillest vibe in the Mande household… growing up. My dad retired recently. That’s very weird. He’s become a totally different person. He’s, like, really softened. He’s become very sentimental. He’s, like, a total pussy and… I don’t know how to handle that energy at all. I was home for Thanksgiving a couple years ago, and we were watching football on TV. It’s just me and him in the living room. When the game ended, he turned the TV off and he looked at me, he went, “Uh, Joseph, have I ever told you about my happiest memory?” I was like, “Uh, no. No.” He goes, “I want to share this with you. I don’t know if you remember this. When you were nine years old, Joseph, your mother and I, we bought you a Sega Genesis for Hanukkah. Do you remember that? And you wanted that Sega so badly, you kept asking for it for months. And we told you you were never getting a Sega. That first night of Hanukkah, you opened up that gift, and I’ve never seen anything like it. You started jumping up and down and screaming. You kissed me on the cheek. And to know that I could bring another person that kind of joy”… He was getting all emotional. “If I could freeze my life at any moment, it would be right there when you opened that Sega.” And I was sitting there like, “Damn, Dad, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing that. That was beautiful.” But in my head, I was like, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” So, little backstory. Uh… Here’s what you need to know. When I was nine years old, I was a little piece of shit, and I knew where my parents hid presents, right? And so one day, my parents went to the grocery store. I saw them pull out of the driveway. And I locked the door, I ran into my dad’s closet… looked under this big pile of sweaters. There was a giant, wrapped rectangular present. And like a little spy, I got down and carefully opened up the Scotch tape and revealed the words “Sega Genesis.” And, obviously, out loud I was like, “Fucking finally!” “Goddamn it.” So I got back down and I started to close the present back up, and as I did, I tore the corner of the wrapping paper. It wasn’t severe, but, you know, maybe if you imagine that your dad worked closely with, I don’t know, like, forensic scientists, it was, like, super noticeable, and for the next six weeks, I can’t even convey to you the sheer terror I lived under that at any point, my dad was gonna get chilly, put on his sweater, see this tampered present… and then send me to jail. Like, the stakes were so high. It was like a true Hanukkah miracle. The first night, my parents put out all the presents for my sister and I. No one noticed the tear. We went over to the table, we started lighting candles, all that bullshit. And then, before anyone had a chance to look at the presents, I ran over, I tore it open, and just, like, wildly overcompensated. You know? Like a bad actor. I was like, “What? A Sega!” And I started, like, jumping up and down and screaming. I kissed my dad on the cheek. At one point, I did a cartwheel. That’s how crazy… In my head, I was, like… I knew it was effeminate, but I was like, “I gotta sell this! I gotta sell this! I gotta sell this!” I guess I sold it. It’s my dad’s happiest memory. Are there any Jews here, by the way? Any Jews? Nice. Round them up! JK. It’s funny now. That’s gonna be a real thing in, like, a year. There’s a weird thing about Jews in America. We all go to summer camp. All of us. I don’t know what that’s about. It’s like when you turn 11 or 12, your parents have a meeting, just the two of them in the living room, they’re like, “Well, our son is 11 now. So it’s probably time he got hand jobs in the woods? Right?” My mom’s like, “Yes, yes, yes.” Lotion-less. I didn’t want to go. I was not on board for this Jewish summer camp thing. Driving to Wisconsin… The whole drive to Wisconsin, I was in the back seat of our minivan yelling, “I don’t want to go! I don’t want to do this! I’m scared! I’ve never been away from home before!” My mom turned around and calmed me down. She’s like, “Joseph. It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna find God, and you have nothing to worry about. I wrote your name inside all your socks and underwear.” Right? As if that was what I was worried about. Like, “Oh, I didn’t know about this underwear thing. Fucking hit it. Let’s go.” First day of camp is weird. You get out of the minivan, and all you have in common with these people is that you’re Jewish, right? You’re meeting kids. You’re like, “Hey, I’m Joe. I’m Jewish.” And it’s like, “Hey, I’m Seth. I’m Jewish.” “All right. Guess we’re best friends.” And then this, uh, particular night of camp, uh, it was also Shabbat. I don’t know if you know Shabbat. Shabbat’s like the baller night in Judaism. You, like, eat bread. So we did that. We lit candles, we ate bread. I ate a lot of chicken. Like, too much chicken. And then right after Shabbat dinner, there was Israeli dancing. So I went, danced my Israeli ass off for a couple hours. Just let everything really churn, you know? And… then at 10 p.m., our counselor was like, “All right, kids, get to bed.” I got all cozy in my bunk. And I remember thinking, “Um, I think I’m gonna like it here.” Went to bed. Couple hours later, I woke up. I don’t know if this is a universal thing. Has anyone woken up in the middle of the night and known you had ten seconds… before you just shit all over yourself? You? Yeah. It’s a horrible feeling. I was jolted awake and felt this countdown in my head. Like, “Ten, nine, eight.” And I was in the top bunk, so I was going down the ladder. “Seven, six, five.” I put on my flip-flops. “Four.” Kick open the door to my cabin. “Three.” And at three, I just exploded. Like, full-on exploded. I know this is disgusting. I’m just going for accuracy. It was ten feet in front of me. You all would have been covered, like a Gallagher show. It was, like, ten feet in front of me, ten feet behind me. I got shit all over the grass, all over the steps of my cabin. l’d never been away from home before. I was standing there like, “Okay. What do you do now? Do you just wait for someone to find you? That seems foolish.” So what I did instead is I just ran into the woods, like, in the dark. I was running and getting hit in the face with tree branches and shit. I ran top speed for, like, three minutes until I got to this big structure at my camp that housed all the toilets and showers. It’s called Noah’s Ark. Run in Noah’s Ark. First thing, I threw away all my shit-covered clothes. Grabbed all this hand soap and then just took the most shameful shower of my life. Just, like, weeping. But I was still, like, violently ill. So then I would run from the shower to the toilet, like, shit my brains out, and then shower again, and just did that over and over again for hours, you know, like a living nightmare. And… it took so long that, like, the sun started to rise. After, like, my 12th shower, I was finally, like, empty and clean, right? But then that just meant I was just naked and wet and had to get back to my cabin somehow. And, I mean… I wish I had seen… I must have looked like the tiniest, most shy little Bigfoot. Like, running at dawn back though the woods. Like, hiding behind trees and, like, picking up leaves to cover myself. But no one saw me. I get back to my cabin. I jump over my own shit explosion. Crawl back into bed, cry myself to sleep. Like, an hour later, my bunkmate Seth wakes me up. He’s like, “Joe, wake up. Did you hear? Did you hear about the bear?” “What is it?” I go outside. Everyone else in my cabin is awake and standing in a semicircle around my crime scene. And Seth grabs me, and to this day, I’ve never seen anyone more excited about anything in my life. He grabbed me and he was like, “Dude, a bear shit on our cabin last night!” And I looked back at my cabinmates, all these little liars. They’re like, “I saw it. I saw it. I saw the bear.” I stood there for a minute and I realized, I was like, “Holy shit. My mom was right. God is real. God is real. God is good.” Yeah, like… But for, like… How else do you explain the night I just had? And here I am, mere hours later in the daylight, redeemed. All these idiots think a bear shit on our cabin. I remember my counselor standing off to the side trying to figure it out. He was like, “It must have been a tiny bear.” But look, we all find faith in different ways, right? And that’s my story, and that feeling of faith propelled me in my Jewish life for, like, another… 30 minutes, 35 minutes. So we went, we ate breakfast. And then, um, we were told to go brush our teeth. So we all went to the Noah’s Ark. Started brushing our teeth. And this kid Mike looked in the trash can, found a shit-covered pair of boxer shorts with my name written on the inside. Yeah. That happened. So ever since then I’ve sort of been like, “Well, fuck God. God can suck my dick. God’s a cock.” And, you know, now we’re here. Cool. Look, all that was bullshit, okay? This is… We’re getting to the part of the show that I… I only want to talk about this next thing. How exciting is that? Can you imagine that that was all bullshit? Look, don’t. All I want to talk about with any… I’m so happy I have a job where I have a microphone and can force people to listen to me. ‘Cause all I want to talk about is this one documentary I’ve become obsessed with. It’s an HBO doc called Thought Crimes: True Story of the Cannibal Cop. All right. Okay. Four people know what I’m talking about. It’s a real question if I even do stand-up anymore. Honestly, it feels like I just get onstage and recommend documentaries. But it’s a good one. It’s a really smart, nuanced look at the life of the Cannibal Cop. Cannibal Cop, this guy… I don’t know if you remember him. He was kind of a big figure in New York like ten years ago. Uh, a real tragic figure actually. Uh, here’s what you need to know about him. He was a cop. He was a NYPD officer. And two, uh, he was not a cannibal. Twist, right? Cannibal Cop never ate human flesh once ever in his whole life. And I don’t know if this is a hot take in terms of cannibalism, but to me, till you actually put a knife and fork into a human being and, like, eat their flesh, you’re just a dude. You’re just a dude. So Cannibal Cop, his name was Gilberto. Right? And Gilberto, uh… Look, before I can tell you about Gilberto, let’s just all admit right now we all have our things. Sexually, right? We all have our quirks. None of us are saints. We all end up with some weird shit. We’re all some freaks. So Gilberto’s thing was that he was sexually attracted to the notion of cannibalism. Whatever. Who cares? Truly, who cares? So Gilberto… I’m not saying Gilberto was smart. I mean, he was a NYPD officer, okay? Idiot. He’s a fucking idiot, and he came to work one day, he went into the precinct and used his police computer, and he logged on to a fetish cannibal message board post, right? Like a website where he and like-minded men could swap fantasy stories about, you know, eating human flesh and then jacking off. So Gilberto, he logs into his police computer and starts writing, like, this long, eloquent story about how he wants to kidnap his wife, drive her up to a cabin, throw her into an oven and, like, eat her titties or whatever. I’m not saying he’s cool, by the way. I don’t think that’s cool. I just think that doesn’t make you a cannibal. Just ’cause you’re horny and intellectually curious. That doesn’t make you a cannibal. So what happens next to Gilberto is fucking crazy. It’s a travesty of justice, right? He is fired from the police force. He is put under house arrest. He has to live with his mother. It sucks. It’s humiliating. His wife leaves him, obviously. It was like front-page news that he looks at her like a Slim Jim or whatever. And this is when shit gets crazy. He is then put on trial for attempted murder. And the evidence used against him is his fucking message board post. His literature. Some Minority Report shit, you know. You all should be as upset as I am now! I am fucking heated! I’ve seen this documentary seven times. I get so crazy upset. Every time it’s over, I’m just pacing around my house, yelling at my dogs. Just like, “Do you hear this? Gilberto, the Cannibal Cop”… First of all, to call him the Cannibal Cop is an insult to cannibals… who put the fucking work in. This guy never ate… He’s just an artist. He’s a poet. He’s a her… He’s a hero. He’s a hero of the First Amendment. I’m yelling that at my dog, “Gilberto’s my hero! The Cannibal Cop’s my hero.” Last time I watched this documentary, I was so worked up and stoned that I sat down at my desk at my computer and I started doing, like, pro bono legal advocacy work for the Cannibal Cop. I was like, “I’m going to save you, Gilberto.” I started researching. I didn’t go to law school. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Four hours go by, and I realize I’ve just stayed up all night reading fetish cannibal message board posts. No. You don’t want to be that guy. ‘Cause you watch the documentary, like, if we’re just basing stuff on web history, I’m just as much of a cannibal as the Cannibal Cop. And I’m not. I’m not a cannibal. Although I will admit, right, if you read enough fetish cannibal message board posts, like it does like get in your… I can’t stop thinking about cannibalism. I think about it all day long. It doesn’t make me horny. I don’t get that part of it. But like… Here’s the thing I can’t stop thinking about is, like, becoming a cannibal is like such a leap for a human being. When you’re like, “Fuck it. I’m a cannibal.” What’s that first day like? That’s all I think about. “What’s for breakfast?” I’m always asking my friends, “What’s the first thing you eat on a human body?” They’re always just like, “Well, I don’t know why we hang out with you. This isn’t fun for us.” But I’ve gotten a lot of answers. Some people have said “leg.” Other people have said “butt.” Lol. And it makes me so angry, ’cause it’s just so illogical. I’m like, “You’ve never eaten human flesh and you’re gonna chomp down on a leg?” Give me a fucking break. Use your head. You’re gonna start small and then work your way up to a leg. Like, that’s… I probably put too much thought into this. I think the right answer is… Adam’s apple. Don’t groan. There’s no right answer, all right? But hear me out. Got a lot going for it. Sounds like a food. Right? You’re halfway there. Small. It’s bite-sized. It’s like an amuse-bouche or whatever. You can pop it back. You don’t even have to chew it. And three, I feel if you prepared it right, which I would… slow-roasted, cinnamon, nutmeg, a little caramel sauce… like you could convince yourself it was… an apple. Like a tiny… All right. I’m being cute right now. We all know that’s not the right answer. It’s pussy. It is pussy. It had, like… I’ve eaten pussy my whole life. Not my whole… I wasn’t, like, four. I was… the correct age. Like… ten? Uh, no. I love eating pussy. Love it. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. My only complaint… It’s a misnomer. You don’t eat pussy. If anything, it’s like an Everlasting Gobstopper. You just like lick it and lick it and lick it and lick it. You don’t, like, get any. Fuck you. This is smart, what I’m talking about right now. This is smart. This is a thought experiment. I’m just asking, like, hypothetically. Think about it like this, all right? Imagine this. Imagine going your whole life just smelling coffee. It’s frustrating, right? That’s frustrating. Now imagine the act of smelling coffee for some reason is called “drinking coffee.” Right? At a certain point, you’re gonna be like, “Fuck this. I’m drinking some coffee.” Anyway, it’s a great documentary. You should… You should check it out. Thank you. It’s very cool you’re clapping for that. I don’t even know if I should do this next part. Uh… Do it! I will. I mean, it’s… It’s a facade. Obviously I’m gonna do it. No, but, okay, here’s the thing. l’II tell you the real… I could give a fuck about Gilberto. Fuck that dude. I don’t give a shit about that guy. l’II tell you the real reason why Thought Crimes: True Story of the Cannibal Cop fucks me up so hard every time I watch it. Before I even get into this next thing, I need everyone here to promise me right now that you’re gonna be fucking cool. Can we do that? Can we just be adults? All right? ‘Cause I tried to do this next thing in Seattle a few nights ago, and they were straight-up bitches about it, all right? And I expect more from New York. So let’s just be fucking cool. Can we do that, please, for me? All right. Thank you. I’m gonna trust you. All right. So I’ve seen every ISIS video. All of them. Seen every ISIS propaganda video, recruitment video, hostage video. I seek them out. I wouldn’t say I’m a fan. Right? I wouldn’t go that far. But what I will say, I work in the television industry. I work in Hollywood. And there’s an undeniable fact about these ISIS videos. They’re fucking well made. The production value on these ISIS videos is… All right, I feel super alone up here, uh, to be quite honest. It’s like, I’m the only one who watches a bunch of ISIS videos? That’s fine. I get it. No one watches these videos ’cause ISIS is scary. You can quote me on that. Hot take: ISIS is scary. No one watches these videos. I think there is a misconception in the United States that ISIS videos are like Al-Qaeda videos. No, how dare you. Like, for real. Al-Qaeda videos? You remember that shit? It was, like, 15 years ago. It was, like, Osama bin Laden in a cave with, like, a Dell laptop, external webcam. There was, like, no narrative. No, shit has changed. These ISIS dudes, they have every… They have, like, Final Cut Pro, After Effects, multi-language narration, the score is tight. I was watching this ISIS video the other night… and they had a drone. Right? Like a drone with a camera on it. And this drone was just flying over some shithole in Syria somewhere. Crisp HD footage, right? And at one point, the camera kind of tilted. There was a lens flare, and out loud I was like… “Who is the DP on this ISIS video?” That shit was stunning. And I know ISIS… I’m not trying to be glib about ISIS. I know ISIS is scary. You know what scares me about ISIS? This is the scariest thing. ISIS can just say you’re in ISIS. I mean, that shit is bone-chilling. Do you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause, like, I’m convinced there’s only, like, nine actual members of ISIS, and they’re all fucking, like, video editors, you know? ‘Cause what always happens? What’s always the case? It’s a young, ambitious, unaffiliated terrorist goes out, lone wolf, kills a bunch of people, kills himself. And then the next day, ISIS releases a statement. They’re like, “Um, yeah. That guy was in ISIS.” Send. The news is like, “He was in ISIS. Can you believe that?” He wasn’t in ISIS. But now he’s in ISIS. That’s, like, my deepest worry in life, is that, at some point, I’m gonna get arrested, probably for doing this joke, right? Cops are gonna raid my house, seize my computer, look through the search history. It’s, like, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, Cannibal Cop, pussy, ISIS, ISIS, you know. Nightmare. Cops throw me in jail. ISIS finds out about it. They release a statement the next day. They’re like, “Um, Joe Mande is the official comic of ISIS. We love that guy. Total ISIS. Signed, ISIS.” What do I do then? I can’t be in jail, “Fuck you, ISIS! I’m not in ISIS!” They’II just be like, “Actually, that is textbook ISIS humor. You are in ISIS.” Send. I’m saying I don’t want to get cannibal-copped by ISIS. That is my general fear in life. ‘Cause I’m not in ISIS. Although, let’s say I joined ISIS, right? I was thinking about this the other day. Let’s say I joined ISIS. I say with confidence, I think l’d be the best fucking thing to ever happened to ISIS. They’re crushing it, but what’s their biggest problem right now? No star power, right? None. Like, can anyone here name the leader of ISIS? Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. May the Prophet protect him. How crazy is that? He’s supposed to be the leader of the scariest terrorist group in the world, and no one here knows his name. How the fuck you gonna run a caliphate when no one knows your name, you unfamous bitch? That’s what I’m saying, when I… If and when I join ISIS, right… day one I’m bigger than Baghdadi. I’m way more famous than that dude. They have no one like me. I’m a successful American Jew. I’ve been on Modern Family. It’d be great for them. I could, like, run their Twitter for a day or whatever. It’d be, like, refreshing. Honestly. ‘Cause they’re not perfect. I’m not standing onstage saying ISIS is perfect. No, I got some constructive criticisms. Got some notes. First of all, that flag. What is that flag? Y’all seen that ISIS flag? What is that? It’s like Arabic Comic Sans. It’s like… You have the best video editors in the game, and look at your graphic design. That’s offensive to me. That’s offensive. And I’m not proposing, like, a new font. My question is, like, why do you all have words on your flag? Your whole MO is to recruit illiterates. Am I wrong? Get rid of the words. In fact, just take the pirate flag. That shit is public domain. I’ve been in the organization five minutes, dope new flag. Then we got to talk about these videos, like, you know. Let’s be honest. They’re too long. They’re repetitive. They are grim as fuck. That’s where I think l’d be helpful. Like, if you’ve seen one beheading, you’ve seen a million, right? So before the second one, I pop up, and then it’s, like, ISIS bloopers with Joe Mande. Like, show they have a sense of humor, bring some levity to the organization. I could be their Tosh. “Ta’esh”.0, whatever. I’m not… Fuck ISIS. Fuck ISIS, fuck Russia, fuck Trump. Like, when… Thank you. I’m just… I’m glad we’re getting this on film. Because I want it… I want it on record when World War III starts, I am Team China, China’s my squad. That’s my squad. I’m rollin’ hard with China. China, I love you. Uh, I just want to say to my Chinese fans… This is just for my Chinese fans. Don’t worry. That’s not for you. Thought I won you guys back. It was a real journey. How do you get out of an ISIS hole? You know, that’s a real… It’s a great question. Y’all smoke weed? Y’all smoke a little weed? Gotcha. Got ’em back. I got ’em back. Yes! Is weed legal in New York yet? How’s that working out for everyone? No? Uh… Okay, just so I get a sense of the crowd tonight, uh, clap if you support legalized marijuana. Just so I can… All right. That’s most of the room. Okay. Thank you. I think I’m against it. Right? I smoked weed for more than half my life. And I live in California. It’s legal there now. And, um, what I’ve learned is that the more marijuana becomes legal, the stronger it gets. To the point that in Los Angeles, weed is essentially a hard drug at this point. Like, I can’t smoke weed anymore. It’s heartbreaking for me. Like, now when I go to a party in LA and I share a joint with a friend, like, 30 seconds go by and I lose my fucking mind. Like it’s not even fun. Like I lose my mind. l’II look at my friend and be like, “Uh, yo. Yo, can I ask you something? Uh, does air go in your nose and out your mouth, or in your mouth and out your nose? I don’t remember how to do it.” “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I just won’t do either.” Sometimes I get so high that if I’m around too many people, l’II lock myself in a bathroom and interrogate myself in a mirror like a fucking murder detective on a TV show. Right? l’II, like, slam the door, lock it. Be like, “Joe, what the fuck, shit bird? Why the fuck do you feel so crazy? You came to the party normal, now you’re crazy. Why you feel so crazy, asshole?” And l’II be like, “Oh, I don’t know, man. Like, I came to the party, and then I was normal, and then we went outside, and then… Oh, I remember. Oh. Then we smoked cancer medicine.” That’s what it is. It’s medical marijuana. That’s its intent. Have you ever gotten so high that you’re, “You know what would be dope? If I was in a hospital bed right now… with cancer… instead of trying not to cry at an R. Kelly concert.” True story. But I don’t want you to think I hate weed. I love weed. I’m gonna get high in, like, five minutes. Here’s the thing. I’m not, like, smart. I haven’t done a lot with my life. But one thing I know for sure, if I have any wisdom, it’s this. One of the greatest joys in life is to get really high and go to a TV taping. It’s the best. I’ve done it so many times. I used to be an intern at the Maury Povich Show. I would just get blazed every day and go to tapings like, “Yes. Paternity tests.” No, I knew the answer already. The best. Here’s the thing. It’s always fun. You live in New York. Do it once. It’s great. It’s always fun. Unless it’s not. ‘Cause when it’s not fun, it’s really not fun. I had an experience about five years ago when I lived here in New York. My best friend Noah and I, we ate pot brownies, and then we went to a taping of the Fox News talk show Huckabee. Yeah. Hosted by former Arkansas governor, and probably, like, future ambassador to Chick-fil-A, Mike Huckabee. So I got the tickets through my spam folder, right? And I hit “print.” Noah came over to my apartment in Brooklyn. We both ate these pot brownies, uh, that I made. We waited an hour for them to kick in. And as we were leaving my apartment, Noah stopped me and he was like, “No, we can’t go. They’re gonna think we’re up to something.” And I knew what he meant. I was like, “Fuck, you’re right. What do we do?” He thought for a minute and he went… “It’II be okay. We just have to dress like Republicans.” Right? So we go back into my apartment, into my closet, we both put on suits and ties. That’s it. We took the train into Midtown Manhattan into Fox News headquarters… and we tried to blend in. We were, like, shaking people’s hands, just strangers, being like, “Excuse me, sir. Drill. Drill, baby, drill.” Just, like, so eager and weird. We got in line for the Huckabee taping, and it became very clear that we were… completely overdressed, right? Like no one had put as much thought into it as we did. Everyone there to see the Huckabee Show was like a slob in sweatpants. And then this one Asian family that saw a line and got into it. But I’m saying, by comparison, we looked fucking amazing. And as we’re walking into the studio, this production assistant sees us, “You guys in the suits, please, right here. Sit in the front row. Right here in the front row. Right there.” Me and Noah sit down, and we’re looking at all these cameras facing the audience. And we are fucked up. Like, not okay. Like, we were on edibles. No one’s ever done edibles, then afterwards was like, “You know what? That was really a good idea. That was fun the whole time, and I felt in control of myself and my surroundings. It was cool. It was cool the whole time.” Like, no. Like, we shouldn’t have been in public. We were fucked up. We’re grinding our teeth and sweating. We looked fucking crazy. And, uh, eventually Mike Huckabee’s house band started playing. He had a house band called The Little Rockers. Right? So Little Rockers start playing, like, “Mustang Sally” or some fucking bullshit. The curtains open, Mike Huckabee comes out. He waddles out right in front of us. And as he walks by, Noah and I lose our shit. We just lose it. We are hyperventilating we’re laughing so hard. We, like, can’t breathe. Like, snot rolling down our faces. ‘Cause we realized where we were, right? And it’s a talk show. So Mike Huckabee, he’s standing as close as I am to you guys, right? And he starts performing monologue jokes. Right? About, like, current events. And from his perspective, he is crushing, right? ‘Cause these two demon-eyed Republicans in the front row are just laughing at everything he’s saying, like, high-fiving each other. So then Mike Huckabee sits down at his desk, and he’s like, “Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special episode of Huckabee. I have a celebrity cohost. You may know her as Miss Las Vegas herself. Give it up for Rita Rudner!” The curtains open again. Rita Rudner comes, like, clip-clopping out in these high heels. She walks right in front of us. Um, I don’t know why this happens, but I burst into tears. I just… I’m completely overwhelmed. Don’t know what’s happening. So I’m crying. I look to my left. Noah is dry heaving, right? ‘Cause he… he got drunk too. Forgot to mention that. He got drunk as well as high. We are a mess. We sit there. The taping is four hours long, right? We’re there all fucking day. I’ve never been more bored and scared in my life. And about three hours into the taping, I’m sitting there, and I look over and I make eye contact with this cameraman. And this cameraman is just glaring at me. And I just got to keep looking at him. I don’t know what his fucking problem is. Eventually, he walks away from his fancy camera. He, uh, taps me on the shoulder. And he whispers in my ear. He goes, “Uh, you know I called the cops, right?” Yeah, and guess what. Didn’t handle that well. I did not handle that well at all. I was like, “No, sir. Please don’t call the cops. We don’t belong here. We know we don’t belong here. We’II leave on our own volition. Please. We’II leave on our own volition.” I kept saying “volition.” And the cameraman is, like, freaked out. He doesn’t know what I’m talking about. So he bends back down and he slowly repeats himself. He goes, “Uh, no. I said my camera’s coming through here. Just… I have to move my camera.” Right? I had a complete auditory hallucination. I tried to cover. I was like, “Yeah. Whatever. Don’t call the cops, man. Just do your job. Volition, you know.” But somehow we get out of there unscathed. Then Noah and I spend the next, like, three or four hours just, like, wandering around Manhattan trying to sober up. We get back to Brooklyn, we sit down on my couch, uh, we get high again. And I turn on my TV to Huckabee. I taped Huckabee. We wanted to watch the show we just watched. So Noah and I, we got high and we watched the full one-hour edited version of Huckabee, and to this day, I’ve never seen anything more fucked-up. Like I said, we were in the front row, all these cameras facing us. Yet whenever one of us was about to enter frame, it would, like, quick switch to a different camera angle. Like, for a full hour. It took an editor, like, a lot of work to splice us out. And when it ended, I looked at Noah and I was like, “Dude, you know what that means, right? Either we were so fucked-up-looking today that Fox News didn’t feel comfortable putting us on television… or we got so high this morning… we never even went to a Mike Huckabee taping.” New York, you guys have been great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Live from Hollywood, it’s The 189th American Humour Awards, with your host Andy Richter. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, everyone. I’m Andy Richter. I’m so happy to be here hosting The American Humour Awards. All right, let’s get right to it. Our final and only category of the evening… The American Humour Award. The nominees are Nick Kroll: Krolling with the Punches. Kristen Schaal: Schaal Ready for This? Chelsea Peretti: Peretti or Not. Ron Funches: Ron Tell That. And Joe Mande: Joe Mande’s Award-Winning Comedy Special. And the American Humour Award goes to… Wait. Is it… Is this right? It’s a tie! A four-way tie between Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti, Ron Funches and Kristen Schaal! This is the first win and first nomination for Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti, Ron Funches… Almost all of you won! – That’s fantastic! – My Dad! Yes! – Congratulations! – Yes! – Oh. – Oh. Um, thank you. Uh, but seriously, we just want to thank all the managers and agents and lawyers who make this possible. And the fans. We’re so grateful for the laughter and the support. Love you. – Thank you so much. – We are the final four! They always say it’s a pleasure just to be nominated, but it is not! – Yes! – This is where it’s at! You know, no one likes to lose. Uh… I think it was… I think it was good for me. Honestly. I’ve learned a lot over the last few weeks since… since the show. And, um, I’ve learned that it really is the journey, not the destination. I don’t need a trophy to tell me whether or not I’m a good comedian. ‘Cause I know… Sorry. I should have put a sign on the door or something. This is really… It’s really unprofessional. Hello? Oh, hi. Cool. Thank you. Package. “Dear Joe, As I watched The American Humour Awards on TV the other night, I was shocked and saddened to see that you did not end up the chosen winner. In my humble opinion, you were robbed! You did everything right: the intro, the outfit, the applause breaks. Your special was perfect! It breaks my heart you did not go home with the trophy. So if it’s any consolation… I’ve decided to send you my American Humour Award from 1983. All the best. Your friend, Dr. Bill Cosby.” ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ Shut up I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪ ♪ Gills on my neck, bitch Call me Kevin Costner ♪ ♪ Mad ’cause I’m dead, ho Call me Laura Palmer ♪ ♪ Young fuckbeast And I skeet all over everybody ♪ ♪ I’m better than everybody ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mo Amer: The Vagabond (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mo-amer-the-vagabond-transcript/

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL [audience chanting] Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! Mo! [chanting speeds up] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Texas’ own… Mo Amer! [cheering] Thank you. Thank you, thank you. What’s up, Austin? Have a seat. Austin, Texas. Man! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow! Well, can I… [chuckles] All right, well… All right, guys. Jesus, good to see everybody, man. Uh, Austin, man, it’s beautiful. Home state of Texas, uh… It’s a good time. Yes, I am Mo, guys. You know, Mo is actually short for Mohammed. Surprise, bitches! Today is the day! Your cell phones are locked up. It’s too late for you, motherfuckers! Get the door, Aziz! No, I’m just kidding. Okay. I get all kinds of different reactions. Uh… I was in Little Rock, Arkansas. Everything is goin’ great. I say I’m an Arab-American. The whole room gets quiet, and one guy in the back goes… [Southern accent] “Oh, hell, no!” There was one black couple that actually got up and left. Like, “Mm-mm! We seen this shit before. Come on, baby,” and they just took off. It was frustrating. Mohammed is the most popular name in the world, but I can’t find one key chain with my name on it anywhere. Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola with me in America, not a single fucking person. I’ll be honest, though. I didn’t even know how popular the name was until I watched the Egyptian soccer team. Uh… They were showing a play-by-play and the commentator comes on and he’s like, “Mohammed has the ball. Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed. Mohammed to Ahmed. Ahmed to Hamed. Aaah! Hamed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed! Mohammed! Mohammed! Gooooalll!” “This weed is too strong, Jeffrey. I think there’s just one guy on the team passin’ the ball to himself, bro. I’m freaking out, man!” [chuckles] Oh, man! It’s a weird time to be Mohammed, you know? It’s a weird time. It’s also weirder with Trump in office and the thing that happened with me and Eric Trump, my God, we went viral all over the place and all that happened was I got upgraded to first class. I end up sitting next to Eric Trump and then shit went super-viral! I didn’t know I was gonna get upgraded to first class, much less sittin’ next to Eric Trump, but I do know one thing. The lady that upgraded me is probably a Clinton supporter. Let’s be real. I’m just sayin’. She was probably sittin’ there like, “Oh, oh. oh,  Eric Trump is on my flight? Okay. Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.” I don’t know why she has a mustache. “Okay. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.” [laughs] “Oh, there’s an empty seat next to Eric? Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Let me take a look at this upgrade list, uh, see who’s standing by patiently here. Oh, Mohammed Mustafa Amer! Upgrade this motherfucker immediately!” That’s probably what happened. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m, like, 99% sure ’cause I’ve never been greeted with such enthusiasm prior to boarding an aircraft. With the name Mohammed, flying out of New York, it’s just never happened. I show up, I scan my boarding pass. She’s like, “Guess who’s been upgraded? Boom, byeow, byeow, byeow, byeow!” I was like, “Oh, shit, you have an air horn? I didn’t know.” I was so dumb, though. I was like, “Yeah, it’s all these years and dedication to this airline. I’m finally gettin’ the respect that I deserve.” I’m just walking in there like, “Yeah, Million Mile Club, bitch!” You know, like… Uh… it wasn’t the case. I turned the corner, I was like, “Holy shit! Is that Eric Trump?” I was like, “Nah.” I didn’t believe it, so I put up my bag, took a second look and I saw his name on his sweater. So… no further investigation necessary. I mean, that’s what you do with the slow kid in your family when you go to a theme park… so when they get lost, they know how to identify themselves. I just… I just sat down next to him and I was like, “Salaam alaikum, Eric! How’s it goin’, man?” He was like, “Uh, everything’s cool?” I was like, “I’m just messin’ with you, man. Listen, my name’s Mohammed. I’m a Muslim, I’m Arab and a comedian, so I had to mess with you a little bit and I also came here as a refugee. Too late, bitch! I made it!” You know, it was nice. Then I shifted gears on him. He didn’t see it comin’. I was like, “Hey, you tell your dad to build all the damn walls he wants.” He was like, “What?” I was like, “That’s right. Tell your dad to build all the walls he wants. My family flew in, you know what I mean? There is no problem. One $9 Spirit Airlines flight and I’ll be back in business.” It’s just weird. I was actually born in Kuwait, right? I left Kuwait after the first Gulf War. I was nine years old. I went to a nice private British English school in Kuwait. I wore a little vest and a bow tie to school. I was an adorable Arab kid with a hint of a British accent. I was like, “‘Ello, Mum. Yeah, going to school I am, Mummy. Yeah, all right, yeah.” Then I ended up in Houston, Texas. Very proud… I’m a very proud Houstonian. Super-proud Houstonian from Alief. I’m for real. But hold on, hold on. When I got there, they put me in ESL class… which is English as a second language class, and I was the only guy that spoke English in this fuckin’ class. And my family sends me to school with a vest and a bow tie, thinking, “That’s how you go to school.” No, that’s how you get your ass whooped at school in America. I walk in, all the kids are looking at me like, “Hola. Amigo… [speaking Spanish] I was like… “Sorry? What language are you speaking?” All of a sudden, this other dude just comes up out of nowhere. He’s like, “You’re weird, dude. Golly, man! Why do you talk like that, eh?” And that was my teacher. You know, it was fucked up. My family did no research. Not one person thought of, like, “Hey, what neighborhood should we move into in Houston? Let’s just fucking go to a bunch of gang violence. That’ll make sense.” It was very tough. I didn’t know what to do. I was caught in the middle of this gang battle. There was a lot of Mexican gangs, a lot of black gangs, and they were fighting each other. And the Mexican gangs wanted to recruit me ’cause they thought I was Mexican. And there was a lot of black gangs. They wanted… They wanted to beat me up ’cause they thought I was Mexican. Really tough high school years. I’m, like, walkin’ to school, and I see these Latino gangs hangin’ out, and, obviously, this guy has seen me before and he’d just had it. He just approaches me. He was like, “Say, vato! You walk by here every day. You don’t say nothin’, don’t do nothin’. What? You ashamed of your own peoples, bro? You ashamed of your own people? This is your familia, bro! Your la raza, bro! You ashamed of your own peoples, bro? Andale, bro. You going to get broke today, bro. What’s your name, bro? Andale, what’s your name?” I was like, “Oh, man, my name is Mohammed.” He’s like, “What? For real, bro? You look exactly like Hector! I swear to God, bro.” He was like, “Hector, Hector, come check it out, dude! Check it out, bro! We found your doppelganger. Te lo juro, bro! Te lo juro!” And the fucked-up part is Hector came out. I was like, “Holy shit, I do look like Hector!” Started high-fivin’ and shit. I was like, “Oh, yeah, we all look alike! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” And then I saw some guns stickin’ out. I was like, “Oh, shit, I need to get the hell out of this situation.” And I did and I had a decent day. I really did. And then, uh, I’m going home and I see the black gangs hangin’ out and I was like, “Please. Please, not today. I’m not emotionally prepared to deal with this today. Please, just not today!” And, of course, they smelled that fear from a mile away. For real! And this guy comes up to me, he was like, “Say, Jose! You in the wrong motherfuckin’ neighborhood, Jose. You done fucked up today, Jose! Where your crew at, Jose?” I’m lookin’ around for Jose. I’m like, “Who the hell is Jose?” I was like, “Come on, man. My name is Mohammed.” He goes, “Ah, man! Salaam alaikum, brother, shit, my bad!” You know? I ended up selling all the gang members fake Rolexes. I’m not gonna lie. I was that Arab connect, that’s what I was. It was really rough, man. I had some rough times. That’s why you’ve gotta think of, like, backup plans and exit strategies. It’s important. I learned from being a refugee, you’ve gotta have plan B and C and D. That’s why I learned Spanish. Just in case some shit breaks out, I can camouflage at any moment in time. It’s gettin’ rough, man. They start hunting Arabs and Muslims, I don’t know what’ll happen. They’ll be like, chh-chh! “Hey, boy! Hey, boy, you one of them A-rabs, huh? You one of them Muslims, huh?” I’d be like, “No, vato, come on…” [mutters in Spanish] “Sí. Yo regreso a mi país, Mexico!” And just get the fuck out of there. Jump over that unfinished fence, you know what I mean? I’ve thought about it. I’ll just start selling falafel tacos, and… Start a Halal Hermanos truck in Ciudad de Mexico and shit. Just be sitting there yelling, “Ay, salsa verde con tahini sauce, puto, andale!” [chuckles] Shakin’ her head. It’s all right! She was like, “That doesn’t sound delicious at all.” Immigration is tough, you know. They talk about this extreme vetting and everything happening. Look, it took me 20 years to get my citizenship. It took my mom almost 21 years. Outrageously long. 20 years! Like, I didn’t have a… For ten of those 20 years, I travelled the world doing stand-up comedy without a passport. Really difficult to pull off, by the way. I had what they call a refugee travel document and on the front of this document, it says, “Department of Homeland Security.” All right? On the inside, in all caps, it says, “This is not a US passport.” Confuses everybody that I interact with, including the kiosk machine checkin’ in, right? Like, you get a passport, you scan your passport, you get your boardin’ pass and you out. “Aah! Party! We’re leavin’!” Right? Well, my shit doesn’t scan, so I have to show up and be like, “Um… Excuse me. Uh… Excuse me, ma’am. Can you please help me check in?” She’s like, “Sir, please scan your passport.” “Yeah, I don’t know why you’re yellin’ at me. I just got here. [sighs] Yeah, I was here a week ago and, uh, it didn’t scan, so I was just… Can you please help me check in?” “Sir, did you try it today?” “That’s a really good observation. I didn’t think about it today. Maybe today, it works.” I scan my travel document. A huge exclamation point comes up. “Please seek help from representative.” “Excuse me, ma’am. The Check Engine light just came on on this damn thing. It’s about to explode. Can you please help me check in?” She shows up. She’s like, “Sir, just give me your passport.” “Oh, God.” So I give it to her, she’s like, “Okay. Uh, sir, this is not a passport.” I was like, “Yeah, I know. I’ve been trying to talk to you since I got here. See, it’s a… it’s a travel document, so I can travel with it, because there’s visas issued from the countries that I’m visiting so obviously I can travel with it.” She’s like, “Sir… this… is not… a passport.” I was like, “I speak English perfectly, ma’am. I don’t know why you’re talkin’ to me this way. See, in 1948, the United Nations was founded and in 1951, they had a Geneva Convention and they created a Geneva passport that allows refugees and asylees to travel while they’re seeking asylum from their respective countries. But you know what? I’m just gonna blow up this whole fuckin’ airport, that’s what I’m gonna do! I mean, my God, you’re just makin’ it really difficult for me to maintain my ethics in this situation, like… I just wanna fucking go nuts, like… Why are you making it so difficult for me to be an ethical person? Like, it’s just all these fuckin’ roadblocks.” This is the beginning of a 20-hour journey. Can you imagine? This is just checkin’ in, all right? This is just checkin’… Next… “Uh, you need a passport… Uhh…” Next… “Uh, you need a passport…” “Uh, 1949, uh, muh, uh…” Boom! And then you get to the country, you finally get there and you think you’re free and they go, “Uh, your questioning.” Every fucking… Every place, there’s questioning, interrogation. Japan, by far my favorite interrogation I’ve ever had in my life. It was just an hour of them trying to figure out what I did for a living. The entire hour… The entire hour consisted of, “So, what is your occupation?” I was like, “Oh, I’m a comedian.” “Comedian?” “Yeah, yeah, I do stand-up comedy.” “Stand-up-a comed-ah?” I was like, “Yeah, man, I do comedy.” “Comed-ah?” “Yeah, I do stand-up comedy.” “Stand-up-a comed-ah?” “Yeah, I… I’m a comedian.” “Comedian?” “Am I being roasted right now? What’s happening?” “Like, what is going…” Finally, his friend walks in. I was so relieved somebody else walked in. And he goes, “Hey. Hari-san-ye. Ha-da-da. Comedian-uh.” He goes, “Oh, yeah, comedian! He’s like-uh Bill Cosby!” And that’s what got me off, was Bill Cosby. I mean, not literally, not literally. But figuratively, I swear to God. Yes! It’s exhausting. I went to England. England is probably one of the toughest countries to travel to if you don’t have a passport. Like, they’ve fucked the whole world so they feel scared that the shit’s gonna come back to them. So they are really protective of everything. Like, seriously, check this out, all right? Before you get a visa, you gotta get fingerprints. Get your visa, gotta get confirmation of fingerprints. Then you land in London and they’re like, “Ohhh. Ohhh. Ohhh. “Oh, hello, Mohammed, yeah. Ohhh. Oh, we need your fumprints, yeah, just one more time, your fumprints, oh.” I was like, “Oh, you mean thumbprints?” He was like, “That’s what I said, yeah? Fumprints. Don’t correct my English. I speak the Queen’s English.” I was like, “Well, if that’s the case, why do you end sentences with a question mark? It’s really frustrating.” I remember I was lost in London, my phone was dead. I was like, “Excuse me, sir, can you please tell me how to get to the Holiday Inn?” And he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, you just walk down this street, yeah? You make the first left, yeah? Second right, yeah? And then the hotel’s gonna be on the left-hand side, innit?” I’m like, “I don’t know! Is it, motherfucker? I’m lost!” I love touring in England, right? So I’m in Birmingham, UK, right? I’m in Birmingham, UK. I asked a guy in the front row, I was like, “What part of England are you from?” Being friendly. And he lost his shit! He was like, “I’m not British! I’m Australian! “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!” And all these Australians popped up like little fuckin’ Minions. “Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!” I was like, “Oh, shit! Whoa! Hey, time out!” Why is this so offensive? I mean… I was like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was offensive to mistake an Australian for being British.” I was like, “My God, man, the British flag is inside of your flag! It’s in the top left-hand corner, FaceTiming your flag.” “Aaaah… “ Flags are really fascinating. No, they are. Flags are really,  really fascinating, ’cause if you look at them… Just, like, you know, travelling the world as a refugee free agent, I’ve just… Just trying to decide which country I’m gonna commit to, you know, uh… I was just like, “Man, flags are, like, very tribal, you know? So tribal and… Almost like gang colors, you know?” It seemed like, just an observation, initially. Red, white and blue was intended for white gangs. Just an observation, initially. ‘Cause if you really look at it, England is all red, white and blue stripes. Just X’d out, stripes all over it, X’d out. Come to America, they’re like, “Straighten up them damn stripes! Pah, pah, pah, pah, pah! Put 50 stars on that sumbitch! Pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah, pah! America!” You know what I mean? You go to Australia, they’ve got the British flag inside of their flags. They threw some stars in there to let America know, “Don’t hit me, OK? Do not beat me up. I’m with you.” New Zealand followed suit ’cause they had no choice. And Scandinavia’s all red, white and blue or variations of those colors. Except Sweden. Sweden’s like, “We’ll take ze blue, but ve also vant ze yellow, okay? Ve vant ze German yellow!” “All right, give them the German yellow. Jeez! Shut the fuck up, Sweden,” you know? France is red, white and blue. Holland is red, white and blue. I mean, my God, it just keeps going. So is Russia. Russia was red, white and blue, is today, but for a while, they were like the rogue white people. They were like the really rogue white people. They were like, “No! No! Fuck you! We will… We will not be red, white and blue anymore, okay? We will be Communist USSR Russia, okay? We will take over surrounding countries and we will be most powerful superpower. Fuck you, okay? Vodka!” You know what I mean? And then… And then… [chuckles] And then they had to submit at some point and they were like, “Okay, okay, okay. No more red flag with yellow hammer sickle, okay. Okay, we will give back independence to surrounding countries, okay. Every once in a while, I will fuck Ukraine! That’s the deal. That’s the deal. We will go back to red, white and blue, okay, okay. We will be democratic as well. Win elections by 99%, but no one is counting, okay? But in, like, 30 years, we will infiltrate your electoral system and give you the shittiest, weirdest presidential experience you’ve ever had! And don’t forget about our secret weapon, Kanye West.” It’s weird. I can see Kanye West in KGB meetings. ♪ She give me money…♪ “Do that one, Kanye, come on! Do that one. I like that one! ♪ Give me money! ♪ I like that, it was good.” [chuckling] [sighs] I remember I was being questioned in London, right? I’m waiting for him to come in and question me, right? And I’m sitting there and I notice there’s a poster on the wall and there’s a dog on this poster and the dog has a passport around his neck. And the headline of the poster says, “Get your pet citizenship today.” I was like, “This bitch can get her citizenship in a day?” And she was smiling at me, like, “Hey, I got a passport!” Just dangling there. I was like… It was really wildly insulting. I said to myself, “You know what? When I get back to Houston, I’m gonna call Immigration, I’m gonna use my super-white voice.” ‘Cause that’s how I get shit done over the phone. I use a super-white voice on the phone to get late checkouts and whatever I want. That’s what I do. I’m serious! So I call up Immigration and the lady answers the phone with an attitude right out of the gate. She was like, “Hi! Hi, INS. What can I do for you today?” I was like, “Hi, um… Yes, hi. Uh… I’ve been in the States, I don’t know, about, uh, 17 years at this point and, uh, I’m trying to see if I can speed up my citizenship process.” She goes, “Okay, baby. Let me look up your file here. Uh… What’s your last name?” I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, my last name? My last name is Amer.” “Huh?” “A-M-E-R. It’s almost like America without the ‘ica.’ Ah-ha-ha-ha! [guffawing] “Oh, that’s cute, baby. That’s real cute. Uh, but what’s your first name?” “My… my first name? Uh, my first name is Mohammed.” [chuckles] “Oh, quit playin’, baby! No, really, what’s your first name?” I’m like, “That is my first name!” She’s like, “Oh, you ain’t gonna get your citizenship, baby. Mm-mm! Mm-mm, mm-mm Mm! Mm! Mm! Please hold.” I was like, “What the fuck just happened to me?” This lady puts me on hold and the hold music was… ♪ Never gon’ get it Never gon’ get it, never gon’… ♪ And then she picked up the phone real quick and goes, “Whoo-whoo-whoo!” And hangs up. I was like, “Oh, shit!” Immigration’s tough. When it comes… When it comes down to it, like, towards the end of the immigration process, it’s very easy. You just have to take an American history exam, okay? It’s really, really easy. The thing is, I didn’t see it come together like this. Check this out. The lady who’s giving this exam… [sighs] She’s originally Chinese, which is fine, but she had a really thick Chinese accent. Which is fine, also. I just didn’t see it coming together like this at the end. She was more excited for me than I was for myself. I turned the corner and she was like, “Oh! Oh! Today big day! Today big day!” I was like… “Um… Is this the American citizenship office?” She’s like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, you in the right place. Come in, come in, come in, sit down, sit down, sit down!” [sighs] Wow! She goes, “Okay, fuh question.” I was like, “What? Did you just say, ‘Fuck question’?” She didn’t even stutter. She was like, “Yeah, fuh question.” She goes, “OK, who the fuh president of the United States?” I was like… I was like, “Bush.” She was like, “Correct-ah!” Says, “Come on, I know you praying. I look at your file. You been waiting here 20 year. Here’s a Mohammed key chain. Congratulation! Get out of here.” I was like, “Oh!” [chuckles] It was dope. It was that fast. It was like, “Oh, my God, this is so easy,” and then she goes, “No, no, you have to go to interview.” And it’s just like one more interrogation for old times’ sake, you know? Standing out there, I got to know this guy named Javier. We became really close. We were both nervous together.I’m like… [in Spanish] “Hi, Javier, you doing good, my friend?” “Yes, I’m well, but I’m really nervous.” “Yeah. Me too, my friend, me too.” “I’ve been waiting here two hours. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m nervous.” “I am too, I am too.” [chuckles] All of a sudden, the door opens up. [squeals] “Come on in.” “Uh… Me or Javier?” “You, sir. Please, come on in.” “He’s pointing at me, Javier.” “Be careful.” “Sit down.” “Okay.” “Please answer yes or no to the following questions.” “Okay. I mean yes. No. Whatever. I’m just nervous.” ” ‘Fuck’ question. Have you or anybody else you know been involved with or given funds to from the time period of 1933 to 1945 with the Nazi Party?” I was like, “What?” I was like, “Oh! Oh, you’re kidding! I thought you were serious, man. You had me so nervous.” “Please answer yes or no.” “No, I was not involved with the Nazi Party whatsoever, man. I wasn’t even born. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Next question. Have you or anybody else you know been involved with or given funds to any terrorist organizations, Mr. Mohammed?” Super-racist! I was like, “No, of course not. And I have to ask you a question. Who the hell says yes?” Okay? Seriously, it baffles my mind. Is this an effective method of capturing terrorists worldwide? I mean, did you catch somebody off-guard at some point? What the fuck are you talkin’ about? Have you been sittin’ there like, ‘Have you or anybody else you know been involved with any terrorist–‘ ‘You got me! Ohhh! Ohhh! You are so tricky, you know? Two more minutes, I was gonna kill all you mother-bitches, you know? Here’s the bomb. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! All right, all right, all right, take it, take it, all right.” [sighs] “Hey, cut the green wire, okay? I’m just kidding. The blue wire, all right?” [chuckles] “I don’t know!’ Huh?” Germany was probably the most interesting without my passport, you know. Such a relief to have it now, but, man, Germany was, like, I get there and the guy’s like, “Ja, ja, velcome to Germany. Can I… Can I please have your passport, please?” I’m like, “Yeah, sure. Here you go.” He’s like, “Ja, is good, ja. I look very special, ja? Oh, noooo! Oh, nooo! I say, ‘Can I have your passport, please?’ ” I’m like, “Hey, man, that is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport.” “Vell, it cannot be your passport.” “Well, it is my passport!” “Vell, it says here it’s not a passport, ja? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? Hm? It shows here you are born in Kuwait, ja? Can I please have your Kuwaiti passport?” I was like, “Man, I don’t have a Kuwaiti passport.” He’s like “Vy don’t you have a Kuwaiti passport!” I was like, “Relax, okay? In Kuwait, it doesn’t matter if you’re born there. It matters where your parents come from.” He goes, “Ja. Well, vere do your parents come from?” I was like, “My parents are Palestinian.” He goes, “Vell, give me your Palestinian passport.” I was like, “Bro, I don’t have a Palestinian passport!” “Well, vy don’t you have a Palestinian passport?” I was like, ” ‘Cause Palestine’s not a state!” He goes, “Well, vy don’t you make it a state? “I was like, “What? Have you not read the news the last 70 years? And by the way, I’m in Germany. This is all your fucking fault to begin with!” I thought I was gonna go to jail, I really did. His reaction shocked me. He goes, “Ja, it’s true, ja,” and just stamps my shit. I was like, “Thank you!” The most incredible experience. So nice for somebody to admit that they’re wrong immediately, you know? Germany was fine. It was easy, I got through, it was great. But you’d think the Middle East would be easier on me, but it’s much worse, you know. It’s ’cause I have family there. That’s the thing about Arabs. You’ve gotta come back with, like, 15 suitcases. It’s like this Arab protocol that your mom sends, like, a telegram or whatever they still send to each other. I’m serious. They send something, you just walk in and your aunt’s just packing everything for you, right? It’s just terrible. And there’s this one thing top of the list. It’s called mulukhiyah. It’s like spinach, but it’s not spinach. It’s better than spinach and Arabs love this stuff, okay? And I walk in and my aunt is putting it in clear plastic bags and then taping it. I’m like… I’m like, “This is… What are you doing? I’m… What are you doing?” “I’m taping it so it stays fresh.” I was like, “Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But it looks like weed, Auntie! This is terrible!” Straight up looks like bricks of marijuana. I’m like, “This is not good for me, all right?” She goes, “Don’t worry, we’ll pray for you. You’ll get there.” I was like… “I mean, I’ll take it.” And then my uncle walks in with olive oil, okay? Olive oil is the second most important thing on the list, maybe the first. But olive oil, phew, you gotta… It’s illegal. I can’t… I can’t take it back. My uncle’s walkin’ in with, like, so many bottles of olive oil. I’m like, “What are you doing?” He goes, “You’re gonna take it back with you.” I was like, “Yeah, I see what you’re doing, but I can’t take it back. It’s illegal to take olive oil back to America.” He goes, “Don’t worry. We will take off the label and we will write ‘olive juice.’ ” This is his strategy. I’m traveling back to America with what looks like three suitcases of marijuana and olive juice and God knows what other spices and goods are in my bag. I didn’t even know. I somehow make it out of Tel Aviv into New York City, all right? I get to New York, and you know how you wanna beat everybody in Immigration to get to be the first guy out, you know? And I was like, “Yeah, I’m the first guy!” And there was four Immigration officers. “You, come here.” I was like, “I’ve heard this voice before.” You know? I was still being naive. I was like, “Maybe… Maybe this is random. Maybe…” I really did. I was like, “Maybe it’s random,” and then they opened up a piece of paper with my picture on it. I was like, “This is definitely not random! Some real shit!” It was horribly embarrassing. I’m the first guy off and they’re waiting for everybody to get off. So everybody’s walkin’ off, like, “Ooh! Ooh! “Oooh! Oh. Oh!” I’m like, “Fuck you! You uhhh! Uhhh! “I didn’t do shit.” You know what I mean? And then they separate me from everybody, finally, and then take me to a whole nother room, and they were waitin’ for my bags. All my bags are sittin’ out, and I was like, “Oh, man, here we go.” And the Immigration officer comes to open up one of the bags. I was like, “Please, just don’t let it be the mulukhiyah, just please!” And of course it is. He opens it up, he almost faints. He’s like… [gasps] Like that. And he goes, “Bring the dog!” Like this. And, uh, first of all, Arabs don’t do well with dogs, okay? Number one. Number two, this is the most legit dog I have ever seen in my life. This fucking dog had a bulletproof vest, a badge and a passport around its fucking neck! I’m sick of these dogs! The dog was cocky and arrogant. He was just like, “Yeah.” He was so cocky, I attached a voice to him. All I could hear was Eddie Murphy’s voice as the donkey in Shrek. Now, he was… I’m for real! He was walking by like, “Yeah, yeah, you going to jail today, Mohammed! Yeah! If we don’t find nothing, we’ll probably put something in there for your ass.” Right? He just walks up. I was horrified. I didn’t pack this myself. I know it’s mulukhiyah, but maybe not. What the fuck are they gonna do? And the dog gets to my bag. He’s the most confident dog, and within a matter of seconds, he becomes the most confused dog. He’s sitting there, like… [chuckling] [sniffing deeply] “I don’t know, man! It looks like weed, but it’s not weed. I don’t know what to do! You wanna sniff it, Doug? I don’t know.” He just keeps scratching. Finally, he stops, urinates on my bag… and then walks away. I was like, “Oh, my God, I just witnessed a dog quit its job, man!” Amazing! I got in with everything. My uncle misspelled “olive juice.” I swear, the Immigration officer read it like, “I love Jews.” And I just went right through. I’m serious. Went right through. And, look, the olive oil we make and we bring over, we don’t just consume it. Yeah, we… we bathe in it, you know? That’s what Arabs do, man. We just use it for everything. It’s funny, ’cause my mom always wanted me to be a doctor. But it’s very difficult to get her to go to the doctor. And I figured it out. It’s because our medicine is olive oil, that’s why, and we diagnose ourselves. The diagnosis is always called lafhet hawa, OK? If you don’t know what this is, it translates to “a brisk wind,” all right? It literally translates to “a brisk wind.” You have lafhet hawa, “a brisk wind,” that’s why you got sick and then you just bathe in olive oil and take a shot of it, that’s the… that’s the protocol. So one morning, I wake up with something called Bell’s palsy, okay? Exactly. If you don’t know what this is, this is when one half of your face quits working. I just woke up one morning, trying to brush my teeth and one half of my face is not cooperating. I’m sitting there like, “Huh… “Oh, no. Huh…” [lisping] I was like, “Mama? Mama, thomething ith really wrong.” She goes, “What’s wrong, habibi?” I’m like, ” ‘What’s wrong, habibi?’ Are you theriouth? Half of my fathe ith not working, Mom.” She goes, “Don’t worry, it’s just lafhet hawa.” I’m like, “A brithk wind did thith to my fathe? I wath in bed all night, Mom. There’s no wind in my room. I thaid there’s no wind in my room.” She goes, “Don’t worry.” She grabs some olive oil, smacks my face, and goes… says a prayer, and she goes, “You’re healed!” I’m like, “I’m not healed, Mom. I’m a greasy freak, that’s all! I just…” My entire family thought I was overreacting. “You’re overreacting!” “I’m overreacting? Half of my fucking fathe is not working, I’m being a pussy? Is that what you’re thaying? I’m the pussy. Is that what you’re thaying?” They’re like, “Yeah.” I had to drive myself to the emergency room. ‘Cause we’re so gangsta. I get to the emergency room, the guy looks at me, goes, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “I hope tho.” Then he goes, “What’s the problem?” I’m like, “What’s the problem? Are you theriouth right now? You talk to my mom or thomething? What the hell do you mean, ‘What’s the problem?’ No, you know what? I woke up this morning and I thaid to mythelf, ‘You know what would be really cool? You know what’s gonna make me thtand out from the cwowd? If I could just try to talk with one half of my face!’ ” He goes, “Oh, my God, man, half of your face is not working. It could be a stroke. Walk back and forth.” I was like, “Stroke? Okay! Okay! Is it a stroke?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.” I was like, “What? Take me to a doctor, you asshole!” He takes me back there. I’m so scared. I’m sittin’ there, the doctor comes in. He’s like, “Can I help you?” I’m like, “What do you mean? Nobody talked to you already? We’re in Houston, the most pwogwessive healthcare thystem in the entire world, nobody communicates with anybody here? Hey, fella, half of my face is not working, OK?” He goes, “Oh, my God, man! It could be a stroke. Walk back and forth.” I’m like, “You’d better be a doctor, I thwear to God. I’ll blow up this whole fucking hospital! I’ll do it!” He’s like, “You’re fine, man. It’s not a stroke.” I’m like, “How can you say I’m fine? Thank you for confirming it’s not a stroke, but half of my fathe is not working, tho what is it?” He goes, “I have no idea. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.” Finally, the doctor comes back in. He’s like, “Mohammed… Mohammed, we’ve diagnosed it.” I was like, “Okay, Doctor. Don’t be scared, Doctor. Just tell me what it is. Don’t be scared!” He’s like, “Mohammed, we’ve diagnosed it as Bell’s palsy.” “Oh, my God…” [gasps] “I have Bell’s palsy? What the hell is Bell’s palsy?” He goes, “Bell’s palsy is when one half of your face quits working.” I’m like, “I know what happened! But why? Why does it happen?” He goes, “A brisk wind, that’s why.” I’m like, “Are you theriouth?” Oh, my family made fun of me for a while. It was great. My family is fun, though. I mean, my family is great. They’re everything to me and, you know, we have the worst luck. We really do. We have the worst luck. Check this out. I have a brother, Omar, who happened to become a pilot. I’m like, “Solid career choice, Omar! Solid career choice!” No, he’s doing great. The FBI came over our house. We squared everything up. Everything’s fine. No, they really did. The FBI came to our house, or as my uncle calls them, the “Fibby,” no joke. Looked me with a straight face. He goes, “Hey! The Fibby’s coming!” I’m like, “Who?” He’s like, “The Fibby! The Fibby!” I’m like, “What are you saying?” He starts to act it out. “The Fibby, you know? The Fibby!” I’m like… We figured it out eventually. He’s the same uncle that can’t say “pharmacy.” He says “paharmacy” 100% of the time. The most brilliant man I know. He’s like, “I have a chest infection. Take me to the ‘parhamacy.’ ” I was like, “Oh. Oh, you mean ‘pharmacy.’ ” He’s like, “You’re so stupid, okay? There’s a P in front of the ‘harmacy!’ ” I was like, “Yeah, that’s… that’s true.” And I have a nephew named Osama, okay? I mean, what this poor kid had to endure! I hate that fact. There’s so many terrorist acts done by white people, not a single person is changing their kid’s name from being Timothy, right? It’s fucking insane! This poor kid! This kid has to deal with so much, I can only imagine. Like, his ninth birthday was an obstacle. I walked up to him after the party was over. I saw he had a new Xbox, only one game. We’re in Houston. I was like, “Hey, buddy, let’s go to Walmart. I’ll buy you all the games you want.” He was like, “Yeah!” When we get to Walmart, man, he’s nine years old. He’s running away. I can’t call him. I’m sitting there like, “Hey, Osa… Pssssssst! Pssssst! “Sammy!” That’s a good one. “Hey, Sammy, come here!” And whatever he was goin’ through just bubbled up to the surface. He was like, “No! My name’s Osamaaaaa!” I’m like, “Shut up!” You know? [speaking Spanish] I just got the fuck out of there. [chuckles] [laughs] I mean, you gotta have backup plans, you know? You’ve gotta be ready. It was tough, you know? You know, I did a lot of shows for US troops, like a lot of entertainers do. I did over, like, 100 military bases worldwide. I wanted to experience it for myself and I wanted to go just… just see it for myself. I wanted to show them a new perspective. I’m sure no Arab comedian’s ever done it before. So I… Especially a refugee. I wasn’t even a citizen yet. I was out there doing ’em, and then they asked me, uh… they asked me to go to Kuwait and Iraq and I was like, “Um… Huh? I’m like, “That’s where my family fled from. You want me to go back, voluntarily, into a war zone that we fled from 20 years previous? I’ll do it.” And… These psychological wounds needed to get dealt with, you know? I wanted to go see things for myself, ’cause, look, when we left… when we left Kuwait, it was quite abrupt. My father, God rest in peace, he… he was doing very well. He was in telecommunications, he did very well, and when the war happened, all the money was gone. Phwoo! Everything disappeared. Phwoo! Lives changed forever. Bam! Erased. Everybody’s panicked, but the only person that wasn’t panicked was my mom. We’re like, “Why? We don’t have any money. Why aren’t you panicked, Mom?” She’s like, “We have money.” We’re like, “What? Well, like, how much money?” “I don’t know, maybe thousands. I don’t know, maybe. I don’t know. Maybe. Give or take, thousands.” I was like, “Give or take, thousands?” My mom had her own exit strategy just in case some shit went wrong with Dad, apparently. [laughs] But she had to get my sister and myself out and the plan was we were gonna take whatever money that my mom had and we were gonna get on a bus and this bus was gonna take us to Baghdad, Baghdad to Amman, Jordan, and then a few weeks later, we were gonna fly to Houston, Texas. But it’s not that simple, okay? We found out that if they found anything valuable on you, okay, they were just gonna take it from you. So my mom grabs a razor, opens up her purse… I’ll never forget this. She cuts a perfect line behind each zipper and puts equal amounts of money on each side and then sews it up perfectly like nothin’ happened. I was like, “My God, my mother is a gangsta!” And then… And then she made two custom money belts, one for herself and one for my sister, ’cause the odds of searching women are very, very low. Then we started leaving. We get on this bus and my mom finds a little money. She’s like, “What am I gonna do? She puts it in the lining of this suitcase. It’s a little lazy, but she does it. And then… It’s too late, it’s true. She’ll tell you. We get on the bus, we start leaving. Life is changing forever. This is a really traumatic moment in my life. We started leaving. We get to Baghdad and we’re looking out the window and they’re just breaking the suitcases. They’re just ripping ’em apart, slashing them, going for it. They were hip to shit. My mom looks out the window. She goes, “They’re gonna find that money.” And then we look at my sister. She has zero gangsta skills. She is sweating profusely. She’s about to sell everybody the fuck out for sure, okay? I’m telling you, if anybody walked up to her, “Is there something we need to know, little lady?” “We have money!” She was about to… God love her. She was so scared. And my mom palms her head like she wants to crush a watermelon, but she loves her. You know, like, “Aww.” “Awww! Aww! “Aw, aw, aw! She goes, “Listen, okay? Grab your brother and get the hell away from me, okay? ‘Cause if they see your face, they’ll know immediately, all right?” So we’re like, “Whatever,” letting my mom do her thing, right? We walk off the bus, and my mom opens the suitcase, a little bit of money, she messes up all the clothes and she throws some orange peels all over it, some trash all over it, and we just walk out the bus and we’re waiting. Some time goes by, and we start walking back on the bus. Well, an Iraqi soldier sees my mother. He was like, “Hey, lady, I don’t think you ever got off the bus. What the hell absolves you from getting searched?” And he starts berating my mother, saying some really horrible shit to her, and then his superior officer sees him. He gets upset with him. He grabs him, puts him up against a wall. He’s like, “What’s wrong with you? How could you talk to this woman this way? Look at her bag, you dummy! It’s in shambles. It’s obviously been searched already. And look at this woman’s face. This is not a face of a liar.” And then he grabs him, kicks him off the bus, and then he apologized to my mother. And all I could think of is, “Damn! My mother is a gangsta!” I love you, Mama. I love you, Mama. That’s Mama right there. That’s gangsta right there. Yeah. This is all for you. I love you. I love you. That’s it. And that’s how we got here. There’s so many people with these stories. Everybody just wants a future and something to look forward to and be good about it and try to create something special for themselves. And now I had to go back to Kuwait and Iraq to revisit this entire thing. I’m staying in Saddam Hussein’s palace, using his bidet, who kicked us out to begin with. This is such a weird-ass experience! It was really so much to handle. And it’s so weird. You just get on this chopper, you land at some undisclosed location. You get out with two other comedians and they’re like, “Dance, bitch!” You’re like, “What’s goin’ on, everybody?” It’s crazy! It’s crazy! It’s really weird. It’s really weird. This one particular base was a lot more dangerous than the rest. We heard gunshots in the distance and I was like, “Hey, guys, uh, are we still doing a show?” They’re like, “Yep, in front of that bomb shelter.” I was like, “Okay.” [exhales] “Good location, I guess. Uh…” And I was closing out this show, and the two other comedians go up before me, and they hated ’em. I was like, “My God, these guys are hilarious!\ What the hell is gonna happen to me?” So I started giving myself a pep talk. I was like, “Hey, man.” [sighs] “You need to go up there and just be real, okay? Just be in their grill and be real, be yourself!” I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good strategy!” So they introduce me, I go onstage. I was like, “Hey, guys, I know they introduced me as Mo, but it’s actually short for Mohammed! Surprise, bitches! Today’s the day!” “Aaaaaah!” [laughs] It was a horrible strategy. It was a really bad strategy. Uh… [chuckles] I’m not gonna lie. Everything… I have this filmed, right? I have this on tape. Everybody laughed. I cracked them. “Ha-ha-ha!” They started laughing, lost their shit, except one guy. He grabs his M16 so fast, he’s like, whoo! “What the hell’s goin’ on, man?” Like that, I swear. And then he had an Alabama flag tattooed on his arm. Underneath it, it says, “The South will rise again.” I was like, “My God, this guy thinks he’s fighting in the Civil War? What the fuck is goin’ on?” So being from Texas, being from the South, I wanted to give him something relatable. I was like, “Hey, man! Hey, man! Relax, baby! Relax, baby! I’m from the South too, man! Hey, hey, hey!” ♪ Boot scootin’ boogie ♪ Unh! “Hey, man, barbecue!” I don’t even know why I said it. I just panicked like a little bitch. I had nothing else to say. I just kept repeating the same damn thing. I was like, “Hey, hey, barbecue, man! Hey!” And it hypnotized him and it neutralized the entire situation. I’m not even kidding. It was great. I had a very… It was a great, great show. The other comedians were like, “That was solid.” I was like, “Yeah!” And then we started walking off the base and the sergeant looks at me and the two other comedians and he goes, “Hey, fellas, uh… Make sure to remove your name tags… ’cause we don’t want you to get kidnapped.” I was like, “Oh, shit! We could get kidnapped?” I started to freak out again. I was like, “What am I doing here?” I started sweating again. And I was like, “Hold on, Mo. You’re in Iraq. You look like everybody else there. If anybody’s gonna get kidnapped, it’s probably these two very white comedians I’m working with.” [laughs] If some terrorist were to left field us and just hop out of a van like, “Hey! Hey, this is a kidnapping! Get your asses in the van,” I’d be like, “Habibi!” [speaking Arabic] “I’m sorry, guys!” ♪ A-woo-woo-woo ♪ No, I’m just kidding. [chuckles] I would never! I like white people laughing at that. It’s great. It’s always the best. It takes the edge off. You know, I’ve just been maneuvering the system so long and workin’ through so many different things for so long that I just get out of predicaments naturally at this point. At this… Look, check this out. So I’m in Houston. I’m driving on this two-lane highway. It’s the middle of the night. I can’t see a damn thing. I miss the exit so I start making this illegal U-turn in the middle of the highway. I know. An Arab move, I get it. I am who I am, all right? I start driving up. Houston’s got a lot of ditches. I was like, “There’s a ditch!” So I put the car in reverse. As I’m doing so, I see this car speeding. Just coming up out of nowhere. I was like, “Holy shit!” And the guy barely misses me and skids off and crashes into a ditch. Chhhh! I was like, “Oh, my God, I almost got killed! That was so stupid!” I was like, “My God, Mo, this guy is still in a ditch. Hopefully he’s OK.” And then he drives out of the ditch and he parks behind me. I was so damn relieved. And then he turns on his police lights! Okay? I’m Mohammed in Texas with a substantial amount of marijuana in my possession. This is a very bad situation for me. The cop comes up to me, cursing furiously. He’s like, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re an idiot!” I was like, “Yes, sir. Hard to disagree, sir. That was really, really stupid. I’m an idiot.” “Yeah, you’re right it was stupid. It was real stupid. What the hell were you thinkin’?” I was like, “Sir, sir, obviously I was not thinking. I was not thinking. I’m so sorry. I was not thinking.” And then he knew he was speeding, he knew he was, like, double the damn speed limit so he started feeling guilty himself. He was like, “Oh, man. Oh,man, I could have fucking killed you!” Like, “Oh, my God, I could have really killed you!” Like, “I don’t know how… I don’t know how I didn’t kill you!” I was like, “I know how. It’s ’cause of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, that’s why.” And he goes, “You right, son. You right, son. Praise Jesus!” I was like, “Praise Jesus!” He’s like, “Praise Jesus!” I was like, “Praaaaise Jesus! ♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪ [speaking Arabic] “Praise Jesus!” And then he goes, “Can I have your driver’s license, please, son, so I can make sure that everything’s okay?” I was like, “Oh, no. I was like, “Dear Jesus… please blur this man’s eyes… so he can’t read that my name is Mohammed Mustafa Amer, please.” And he grabs my driver’s license and he goes, “You know what, son? I just feel so blessed that you and I are not severely injured this evening. Why don’t you take your license and get out of here?” And I was like, “Hamdulillah!” And I just drove away. Thank you so much, Austin. Thank you. ♪ Yo, Texas raised and Gaza made ♪ ♪ With the PLO brigade Behind a barricade ♪ ♪ Extraordinary comedic range Forged in flame ♪ ♪ Brother Mohammed The world’s most popular name ♪ ♪ Are you not entertained? ♪ ♪ Ain’t no stoppin’ the train ♪ ♪ A new king is finally approachin’ But not gonna reign ♪ ♪ So let’s thank This native son of the West Bank ♪ ♪ Even though his point of embarkation Was left blank ♪ ♪ You asked for the new champion Of the laugh sport ♪ ♪ It took him, like, 20 years To get a passport ♪ ♪ So welcome to the nomadic ground We travel on ♪ ♪ Just take a peek Into the mind of a vagabond ♪ KUWAIT 1986 NEW ENGLISH SCHOOL KUWAIT 1986 HOUSTON TX 1990 1ST RETURN TO KUWAIT 2009 RAMALLAH 2015 NOT WEED BAGHDAD 2009 SADDAM HUSSEIN’S PALACE 2009 OSLO, NORWAY 2016 STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN 2016 UK TOUR 2016 DAVE CHAPPELLE TOUR DUBAI 2015 DALLAS DECEMBER 2014 COMEDY CENTRAL 2018 MEXICO CITY 2015 CHAPPELLE RADIO CITY MARQUEE 2017 AUSTIN 2017 BURIN, PALESTINE 2016 So my name is Mo. I’m gonna tell you a bit about myself, all right? Take it easy. You guys ready? Mo is actually short for Mohammed. Surprise, bitches! No, I’m kidding. Hey! Put the gun down, fucker. I got rocks, bitch. I’m good at those.

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Comedy Central Presents: Tom Segura [S15e01] – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-presents-tom-segura-s15e01-transcript/

Yes. I agree. I totally agree. Totally. It’s great to be here in New York, uh… yeah. Just relax. I was just in Atlantic City and– I don’t know if you’re familiar with Atlantic City but if you hate yourself and your family, and your friends… take them to Atlantic City. It’s basically like, if Las Vegas had diarrhea… but then when you went to wipe it, you didn’t use toilet paper… you just found like old cups and torn up shoes… and other things you find in the dumpster… and then you were to throw it down and then it grew lights. [Applause] That would be Atlantic City. Every guy’s like “Hey! you know, Tony [?] he said you might want to go over to the thing and you know…” and you’re like, “First of all, why don’t you put on a shirt?” Let’s start there. And then every girl either has blonde hair with black streaks or black hair with blond streaks. Which either way says, “I don’t have a gag reflex, yeah.” But you know what? Atlanta City does have a lot of casinos. Yeah, oh boy, what a treat that is. I love casinos because casinos are one of the last venues where you can see the extremes of society in one place. Where else can you get that? Rehab, the zoo, casinos. Go to a casino, you can see a man on the casino floor, he’s in a suit, he’s drinking Scotch, he’s put a few thousand dollars down on an hand, and you are like, “Yeah dude, I can see why you are here. You know how to live.” And then right next to him you see another guy and he’s wearing jeans shorts and a sleeveless shirt and he’s got four open wounds on his face. And you are like, “Yeah, I can see why you are here too. You seem lucky”. On my flight, on the way out here, I was flying and the pilot comes over the PA and it goes “Hey” — well, he doesn’t say “hey,” pilots don’t usually start their announcement saying “hey” — “hey, I’m up front [?]” he starts… I don’t know how he starts… he starts… he’s like, “I’m the pilot.” And we were all like “I totally believe you, yeah.” And then he goes “We made up some time in the air so we gonna be early, but then I just talked to the airport and it’s congested so we gonna be on a holding pattern and now we gonna be late.” [Audience laughing] And everybody is like, “What the hell did you tell us that, man? Keep that to yourself, you know.” But then you accept it — a mean I did — but the guy sitting next to me,  he did not accept it. He turns to me and he goes “Just land the plane.” And I go, “where?” [Audience laughing] “Like, the place that takes planes is full… do you want to land in a field right now?” And he gets like more aggressive, he’s just like, “JUST LAND THE PLANE!” And I was like, “Dude, you can’t. You can’t just be like, “Well, we are coming, so… move… here we come!” But that’s what’s so great about being a pilot, their knowledge is so specific, you can’t question them. You know, like, that pilot, I’m sure, was telling the truth. I’m sure that the airport was probably full. But he could have been trying to get a blowjob from a flight attendant and been like, “Hey, why don’t you suck it,” and she’s like, “Well, we got to land the plane,” and he is like, “I just told them the airport is  full, they’re total idiots.” And that’s why I want to be a pilot now. [Audience laughing] One of the things I love about being in a big city is that you get to experience the full spectrum of gay. You know what I mean? Like, most places– you go to the Midwest or something, like “Hey, do you have any gay people here?” And they’ll be like, “You mean that guy that wears pink and likes fruit?” And you’re like, “No, there’s way more than that.” Like, just today, I saw business gay, artsy gay, dungeon gay and my all time favorite… gym rat gay. You’ve seen him: he’s a bizarre hybrid of skinny and muscular; he has the legs of a flamingo and the chest of a lumberjack. [Audience laughing] It’s like he’s grown muscles to fight his gayness. And at the half, the score is tied. “I like ballroom dancing and I can bench 365”. Whoa, which side’s gonna win? I’ll tell you: gay. Gay’s gonna win. Speaking of gay, I did something gay the other day. Now, when I say gay, I don’t mean like, lame, like when people go “That movie was gay.” And you are like, “Why?” And they’re like “‘Because they’re only three  explosions… that was gay.” That’s not what I mean. I mean like, “That movie was gay.” Why?” “Because they’re all these naked guys and they kept having sex with other naked guys.” That kind of gay. So I go to the grocery store and I put all my items on the belt and I take the divider thing like, “Keep your stuff away from my stuff”, right? And… [Audience laughing] yeah, I don’t want our stuff touching… So, like, I’m waiting a while, so I’m frustrated, right? So when it’s my turn, I turn to the guy behind me and I’m like “What’s up bitch?, I’m next!” Like, I don’t say it but he knows what time it is, right? So… right before I turn away from him I notice out of the corner of my eye that this guy has this really, I mean, tremendously impressive bulge in his pants, right? Now, let’s get something out of the way: there are a lot of fake bulges out there, okay? A lot of European guys, especially Italian guys, they would were like, really tight underwear and then really tight jeans– but that’s like putting your dick in a headlock, that looks like a real ball, okay? The guy I was standing next to, he had a bulge over here. Like that. Yeah. So, naturally, I was like, “Oh my God.” [Audience laughing] Like, this thing looked like it had its own feeding schedule and health care plan, okay. So, anyway, I’m staring lovingly at his gift, all right, and then I start to hear “33,62, 33,62.” Sir, your total is 33,62. And I’m like, “Oh no. I’m supposed to pay right now, but everybody sees me staring at this guy’s dick.” [Audience laughing]  So I had to come up with a game plan on how to get out of it. You know, how to make it look like I’m not doing exactly what I’m doing. So I decide I’ll just make it look like I’m lost in thought, you know. Because you can look anywhere and be thinking like, “Hee, hee.” So that’s my plan. So I just turn from him, I just quickly turn to the cashier and I go “Oh, I’m sorry, I just can’t remember if I was supposed to get orange juice.” And then she goes “Well, why don’t you ask his dick!” [Audience laughing] I was watching television and I saw the show called “How winning the lottery changes your life.” Yeah, which just the existence of that show means there are enough people– they go “I don’t know what happens… when you win the lottery. If you could please create a moving picture show, so I can wrap my head around it. I’ll tune in every week.” Really? I’ve never won the lottery, I have a pretty good idea what happens: you have a lot more shit now… end of show. Everybody on the show was boring, okay, except for the guy that won the biggest lottery ever: $350,000,000. Uh-huh. And he takes pride in the fact that he’s never changed. Like, he still goes to work every day, he still drives the same car and he still doesn’t have any teeth. What? Yeah, now I don’t know about you guys but if I had $350,000,000, I’d be buying other people teeth, all right? I’d just walk down the street and be like, “Hey, smile! Want some teeth? It’s on me.” Speaking as a guy with a full set of chompers, I can tell you that having teeth is totally awesome. And if you only have $15, you should use that money as a down payment for teeth. Not only will you get to enjoy all the cuisines of the world, but you also won’t look like… well, like you don’t have any fucking teeth. Get some teeth. Can we park at teeth for a second? Seriously, I’m meeting people all the time now that don’t have any teeth. What is going on in your head, where you think it’s okay to walk around all mushy mouth? You know this… [Audience laughing]  Dude, get it together, that is not okay. I can only imagine what your balls look like.. if the part everybody sees, you don’t care about. Here’s what you need to do, if you don’t have teeth, okay? Get some friends. Some friends, have them lend you money. If any of my friends were like “Hey Tom, can I borrow $50?” I would be like, “What do you need $50 for?” “Well, I don’t know if you noticed but, when I talk, I don’t have any fucking teeth in my mouth.” I’d be like, “You know what, I did notice that… here’s $100. You don’t have to pay me back.” [Audience laughing] Luckily for me there was another show on after that lottery show. This one was called “I didn’t know I was pregnant.“ [Audience laughing] Yeah. I saw that show, and I was like, “I didn’t know your vagina was Yankee Stadium.” [Audience laughing] Exactly how many people need to be in there, before you realize somebody’s in there. [Audience laughing] You know? Like… The show, if you haven’t seen it, it’s not, like,  “Oh, I missed my period. Turns out, I’m six weeks pregnant.” That’s not the show. The show is, “Oh, I missed my period. Hey, what’s that? That’s a baby coming out of me.” [Audience laughing] Now, here’s something you should know about the show. Every woman on the show is Mexican, okay? They’re all Mexican, so you know this isn’t the first time that they’ve been pregnant. [Audience laughing] Seriously? We’re gonna play the game, right now? Mexicans don’t have babies? I guess black guys raise their kids and Puerto Ricans won’t stab you in broad daylight. Okay, cool. [Audience laughing] What game are we playing, right now? “The real world isn’t real game?” [Audience laughing] Well, here’s my question for all the senoritas that don’t know that there’s a baby inside of you. [Audience laughing] Did you forget all the symptoms? You put on 60 pounds. [Audience laughing] You think that’s from all the churros that you’ve been eating? [Audience laughing] You have a bubble belly, swollen feet– What about the kicking, right, ladies? The kicking, wouldn’t that give it up? “Hey, put your hand right here. What’s that feel like to you?” “Uh, it feels like you have a baby inside of you.” “No, I just gotta fart. [Audience laughing] “I gotta fart  real bad.” And then they get to the question that you’re dying to ask, which is, “Well, when did you know you were pregnant?” And they all answer the same way. “Well, one day, I was walking around, and I was like, ‘whoa– I gotta take a shit.’ But then, when I went to shit, he wasn’t a shit… [Audience laughing] it was a baby.” So you’re like, “Okay, Hemingway, I see what you’re saying, [Audience laughing] but it does beg the question, If what you thought was gonna be a shit turns out to be a baby, what kinds of shit are you normally taking?” Like, I’m a big dude. I’ve taken some mean dumps in my life. I’ve never had a seven pound, five ounce shit. If I did, I would re-evaluate everything in my life… [Audience laughing] physically, psychologically, spiritually, I’m making changes, and so should you, Marisol. [Audience laughing] I think, in life, you can only really comment on things you can experience. You know what I mean? Like, if I tell you “You gotta go eat in this restaurant, it’s great” and you go there you like, “It was horrible,” I can’t really argue with you, because you had your own experience. That’s why I feel totally comfortable telling you that I don’t like m i d g e t s. At all. I don’t like them. Because they’re always in a bad mood. I don’t know if it’s the drinking or just being down there, but they’re always… in a bad– they’re always with the “Mnah, mnah, mnah”. Which I find kind of bizarre, because they walk like there’s a really happy song playing in their head, you know. So, usually, when I see a m i d g e t, I’m like, “Oh, maybe he’ll juggle!” He won’t. He’s not gonna do anything cool at all. I was doing the show and did some m i d g e t jokes and everybody likes m i d g e t jokes, right? No, wrong. M i d g e t s don’t like m i d g e t s jokes. But I didn’t know there was a m i d g e t in the audience, because I don’t have eyes on my hips, okay? So, I did the jokes, did the show, I finish, I go talk to the bartender and facing when talking the bartender like this. The m i d g e t comes up behind me — or I think it’s a m i d g e t, because I can feel “Mnah, mnah, mnah, mnah.” Like, here and here. So my god, there’s a m i d g e t behind me, he’s very upset right now. So I start to back up. He’s like, “Mnah, mnah.” And I’m like, “SPIT IT OUT!” And he goes, “No, you shouldn’t say ‘m i d g e t’, you shouldn’t say ‘m i d g e t’, you should say ‘little people,’ you shouldn’t say ‘m i d g e t’.” And I’m like, “Why not?” And he goes “Because saying ‘m i d g e t’ is like saying ‘n i g g e r’.” And I was like, “Whoa, first of all we’re both white… and if somebody hears you… I’m not protecting you. [Audience laughing] Secondly, it’s not the same thing, because our ancestors didn’t own m i d g e t s, alright? Not unless they won some crazy high stakes poker game and it was like, ‘I’m going all in! Plus the court jesters’.” Now, I wish they did, I wish my parents were like “Tom, your great great great great grandfather, he owned like 40 m i d g e t s.” I would be like, “No way! Do we still get them?” And if we did, I would take my m i d g e t s and I would put little bowls on their heads and I would fill them with different types of dip and salsa and I would have them walk around, so I could scoop out whatever I felt like eating. “Hey, want some hummus? Get your little ass over here!” Than you guys, you’ve been a lot of fun!

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Carlin at Carnegie (1983) – Full Transcript

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Recorded at Carnegie Hall, New York City in 1982, released in 1983. Everybody’s heard the old joke how do you get to Carnegie Hall; practice, man, practice. Well, like most people, I did all my practicing at home in my own neighborhood. I grew up on the Upper West Side of New York City, General Grant was one of my neighbors. I had a lot of fun in my neighborhood, I did a lot of practicing. And sooner or later, I just wanted to get downtown to show them what I could do. And I had to find out how to get there. In New York City if you don’t know how to get somewhere, all you gotta do is ask somebody, they’ll tell ya, even if they don’t know. Hey, tell me something, you got a second? Uh-huh. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? I don’t know, I gonna really tell you. I don’t know how to get to Carnegie Hall. Yeah, you from around here? Uh, yeah, I live right there, man. I don’t even know where I am now, how the hell could I tell you how to get to Carnegie Hall. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? From here? Well, no, from the moon. Take the bus up on the corner there down to 57th Street, get off there, that’s a block walk. Can’t I take the subway here? Got a gun permit? Take the plane. Take the plane? The 59th Street plane? Well, that depends on which way you wanna go. Well, all I can say, you can take a car down there. Take the bus, it’ll leave you right in front of there. Okay. I don’t know the number, but I get there. Jump on a cab, tell the man to take you downtown, you ain’t got no bread, just jump out. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Yeah. Well, if you don’t have a car, you use subway. And then if you don’t have money, you hop the turnstile. You hop… Hop the turnstile. Then if you’re for real, you go to court. As you can see, not everybody agrees on how to get there. Now, when I was a kid, if you wanted to get somewhere, you had to take whatever ride was available. I believe my ride has just arrived. We want George, we want George, we want George… Hi there, how are you? Hello there. How you doing? Good evening everybody. Hello there. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women that you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, good evening, my name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian, as opposed to the kind you run into at work all day long. It’s nice being a comedian, there are, uh, certain advantages, naturally. And a few disadvantages, there are some drawbacks to being a comedian. No one on death row has ever said, “Before I die, I wanna talk to a comedian.” You ever hear anyone at the scene of an accident say, “Quick, call a comedian, for God sakes!” But it would be kind of fun at an accident to push your way through the crowd and say, “May I be of help, I’m a professional comedian.” And sooner or later, at least once in your life, when the policeman says to you, “What are you, a comedian?” You’ve gotta look him right in the eye and say, actually, yes. Even criminals have no respect for comedians. What do they say, first thing they do when they hold you up? “Don’t try anything funny. First one makes a funny move gets it.” Whenever they’re not looking I go. Well, that’s my job, thinking up goofy shit. Thinking up goofy shit, coming around every now and then, letting you know what it is, or reminding you of things you already know, but forgot to laugh at the first time they happened. We all have things like that, you hear it during the day and then you don’t remember it at all. For instance, I’ve noticed they have disposable douche, and I’m wondering who would want to keep it in the first place! I do have a lot, some not a lot, but I have some notes over here, and, uh, the reason for that is I haven’t been doing this lately, I want to make sure I know and remember everything tonight. I’ve been taking a little time off, six months I think I took, uh, three of them, uh, quite voluntarily, and the other three quite against my will. I had a heart attack, or as they say in Boston, I had a heart attack. He had a heart attack, you hear about George? He had a goddamn myocardial infarction. I had a heart attack. Fortunately, my pharmacist, my cardiologist and my doctor give me CPR. But I would like to bring you up to date, uh, on the comedian’s health sweepstakes. As it stands right now, I lead Richard Prior in heart attacks, two to one. I am ahead, I am ahead, that’s right. Now, however, Richard still leads me one to nothing on burning yourself up. Well, the way it happened was, first Richard had a heart attack, then I had a heart attack, then Richard burned himself up, then I said fuck that, I’m gonna have another heart attack. I had an interesting morning, got into an argument… got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard “Snap, crackle, fuck him.” I don’t know which one of them said it, I was reaching for the artificial sweetener and was not looking directly into the bowl. But I told them, I said, well, you can all just sit right there in the milk, far as I’m concerned you can sit in the milk until I find out which one of you said that. A little mass punishment for my breakfast food. The idea is to turn them against one another. Just sit in the milk, far as I’m concerned. Silly me, big punishment, that’s what they do anyway, Sit in the milk. That’s their job. That’s Rice Krispies’ job, sitting in the milk. You’ve seen them, haven’t you? Floating along, little beige blisters of air, riding proudly in the milk. But you can’t sink them, they float for a long time. And you know why, they stay together. They gather together in little groups, little groups of eight, ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen, but always an even number if you’ve noticed. It’s the polarity of the Krispies that attracts them. They form little colonies of Rice Krispies. But you can’t sink them, you try to sink them with a spoon, they come up over the sides. You can’t sink them, that’s what the fruit is for, sinking the Rice Krispies. Good size peach will take down 80 or 90 of them. If I’m really pissed, I’ll drop a watermelon on them. But I say interesting about my morning ’cause it was, it’s not… I don’t have a nice day anymore. I don’t bother much with that. I think I’m beyond that now, I think I’ve outgrown the nice day. I think I’ve had my share. Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones? Let somebody else have a few. Of course, everybody still wants me to have one. Everybody wants me to have a nice day. Have a nice day! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wanna give me my fucking change, please? I’m triple parked. Some of them are really insistent, I said have a nice day! All right, all right, goddammit, all right, I’ll give it a shot! That’s the trouble with have a nice day, it puts all the pressure on you. Now you’ve gotta go out and somehow manage to have a good time, all because of some loose-lipped cashier. Have a nice day, maybe I don’t feel like having a nice day. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve had 116 nice days in a row, and I’m ready, by God, for a crappy day. I never hear that, let them wish one of them. Hey, have a crappy day. Thank you, and to your wonderful family, as well. A crappy day, hey, that would be easy, it’s no trouble at all, a crappy day. Just get up. There’s no planning involved for a crappy day. I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing, it’s the word nice. It’s just a weak word, it doesn’t have a lot of character, you know? Nice. Isn’t he nice? Oh, he is so nice. And she’s nice, too. Isn’t that nice? How nice they are. I don’t care for that, you know? That’s like fine. There’s another word. How are you? Fine. Bullshit! Nobody’s fine. Hair is fine. How’s your hair? Fine. That makes a lot more sense to me. Some guys are great. Did you ever meet those guys? Great. Isn’t this great? Goddamn, this is great. Look, they’re kill that guy. Isn’t that great? That’s great. No, not me, I’m not nice, I’m not fine, I’m not great. People ask me how I am, I say I’m fairly decent. I don’t give them any superlatives, nothing to gossip about. Relatively okay. Sometimes I’ll say I’m moderately neato. If I’m in a particularly jaunty mood, I’ll say, I’m not unwell, thank you. That pisses them off because they have to figure that one out for themselves. So… it reminds me of something my first grade teacher used to say to me, a little lady. She used to say, you show me a tropical fruit, and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. No, that, that was someone else, that was someone else. I think it was someone I met in the Army. Always confuse them, I don’t know what it is. Ever been looking through the refrigerator and come across an empty plate? Well, that starts me to wondering. I think, did something eat something else? Maybe the olives ate the peas. Maybe that chicken isn’t really dead, and he’s grazing on my stuff. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka on, you know, just… just waiting for the lights to go out so he can get back to work. I guess the worst thing that can happen cleaning out or looking through the refrigerator is to come across… something… that you cannot identify… at all. You literally do not know what it is. It could be meat, it could be cake. Usually at a time like that I’ll bluff. Honey, is this good? Well, what is it? I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it. It looks like meat-cake. Well, smell it. Actually, it has no smell whatsoever. It’s good, put it back. Somebody is saving it. It’ll turn up in something. That’s what frightens me. I was what they called a fussy eater. He’s fussy. He’s a fussy eater. Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass. I mean, if I didn’t like something, I told them. I didn’t play with my food, pick at my food, I said I don’t like that. You make this, I don’t like it. Why? They wanted reasons. Well, you don’t always have a reason. I don’t know. I know I don’t like it. And I know that if I ate it, I would like it even less. You like it, you eat it. Then they would try to corner me with logic, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never even tried? It came to me in a dream. Big pain in the ass. Some things I didn’t like just because of the sound of the foods. To this day, I can still not eat… yogurt, yogurt. It sounds like it’s coming up again. Yogurt, yogurt. I can’t eat anything with a Y and a G in it. Something else that doesn’t sound so good, squash. You want some squash? Shit no! Sounds like somebody sat on my dinner. Succotash. Want some succotash? What did you call me, you fuck? Look out, hey, look out, come on. Hey, hey, fucking cool out. Hey, it’s fucking lima beans and corn. Cool out, cool out. Wheat germ. No, get off my plate. Even something like eggplant. Well, which one is it anyway? Tell it to make up its mind and then come on back. Terrible sounding food, head cheese. I can’t even look at the sign. I’ll be down near the baloney, you look at it. Between head cheese and blood tongue, I may never eat again. It certainly won’t be at the deli. Then there are some foods that sound too humorous to eat. Did you ever hear of something too funny to eat? Guacamole. That sounds like something you wear to a dance. May I borrow your green guacamole? Garbanzo. Hey, want some garbanzos? It sounds like a circus act. Ladies and gentlemen, the garbanzos. And the funniest food of all time, kumquats. I don’t even bring them home anymore. They just go to waste. Some things don’t look right. I don’t like that, ma. Don’t look right to me. Did you make that? Is there a picture of it in the cookbook? I’ll bet it don’t look like that. Let’s face it, be honest, some things don’t look right. Of course, some people eat anything, I know that. Some guys will eat anything. I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line. What’s this, never mind, give me a whole lot of it. That’s rat’s asshole, Don. Well, it certainly makes a hell of a fondue. Don’t look right. I don’t eat anything I don’t recognize immediately. If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I pass, you know? Tomatoes don’t look right, either. On the outside, they’re fine. Tomatoes look lovely on the outside. But you look inside a tomato and something is wrong. Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato. It doesn’t look right, you know? It doesn’t look like it’s finished yet, for one thing. It looks like it’s in the larval stage or something. There’s thousands of seeds and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff. Get it off my plate. It’s gushy, it’s like that stuff at the end of an egg. And I know it’s not the end of an egg, it’s the beginning of a chicken. It’s hen cum. Get it off my plate. It don’t look right. Something else that doesn’t look like food, lobsters and crabs. I mean, anything coming at me walking sideways with big pincers somehow doesn’t make me hungry. In fact, my instinct is step on that fuck. Look at the big bug, step on the big bug before he gets to the children. They look like they mean business. Can’t order frogs legs in a restaurant. I keep wondering what did they do with the rest of the frog? What do they do with it, they give them little dollies and send them back out into the world to beg? Try, try to return them to a normal life if you can. The trouble is, the dollies for froggies program has been cut in half. We’ve probably seen the last froggie dolly for a long, long time. I’d rather eat a box of cookies. Doesn’t that always come in handy? Just eat a goddamn box of cookies. You ever do that, a whole box of cookies right in a row. I don’t mean you take them out. I mean eat them in the kitchen, standing right in the kitchen. Eat a whole goddamn box of cookies. Just stare at the electric clock while you’re eating those cookies. Did you ever notice right on the cookies it says open here. Well, what the fuck do they think you’re gonna do, move to Hong Kong to open up their cookies? Of course you’re going to open them here, you’re going to eat them here. You almost have to open them here. Thank God it doesn’t say open somewhere else. Shit, I’d be up all night trying to find a good location. Got a little news for you. Let’s, uh, let’s take a look at the news tonight. See what’s going on. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, here is some of the news, the US Army announced today that it was true that during the first part of the 1960’s they had performed LSD tests on human beings which destroyed their minds. However, they have claimed that none of the victims has been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel. A man who was attempting to walk around the world, drowned today. Twenty-six people were killed today when two funeral processions crashed into one another, police say the casualty list does not include the two men who were already dead. Another first for County Hospital as a woman has checked in to have her tits reversed. When asked why she was having it done, she said that her left tit was her favorite, and she wants it on her right side where her left-handed husband can reach it easily. The ASPCA announced today that they have filed a criminal complaint against a man who was keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man says it is true, but that he never turns the blender above mix. The ASPCA claims he’s had it up to whip and puree several times. A passenger shot six people on the downtown bus today, then asked for a transfer and shot six people on the cross-town bus. In order to prevent this happening in the future, authorities are discontinuing the transfer system. Here are the results of the blind person’s golf tournament, They’ve just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes. Just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. A 65-year-old woman who was trotting backwards from Winnipeg to Rio was killed today when she was hit by a truck head on from the rear. A small town in Tennessee just downwind from a nuclear plant believes it may have received some radiation. Everyone is dead, and the trees are humming. Although the Internal Revenue Service has begun to crack down on businessmen for the three-martini lunch, they will not bother the working man and the two-joint coffee break. A man who was attempting to circle the world in a hot air balloon died today when he stepped out of the balloon to admire it from a distance. A spokesman for the Reagan administration has said that many dead people are really only sick and trying to collect illegal death benefits. On the lighter side of the news, a couple who was celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary died of shock today at the beginning of a surprise party. Well, to kind of wind up the news tonight, and there’s so often so much death and tragedy, a man in Texas was arrested today for shooting and killing his wife, son, two daughters, his mother and father, all four of his grandparents, his dog, his mailman, three neighbors and a woman who works at the filling station. He claims he was just cleaning his gun when it suddenly went off. Thank you, thank you very much. Have you noticed that you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed. Did you realize that the Mexican hat dance was written by two individuals? A lot of folks don’t know that. The first guy wrote da da da da, and the second guy wrote, da la la la, da da da. If it weren’t for the second guy, the Mexican hat dance would have gone, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da, da da da da da da. They were so happy with what they discovered that they went out to celebrate, and they met another guy, and he went, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la la la la la, da da da la la la la. La la la la. …it takes two. This is the musical portion of our show. You know what bothers me? Hey, you know what… is that me? Yes it is. You know what bothers me? I could never find out the rest of the words to Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay. Everybody knows Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, hmmmm, hmmmm. I did find them out, someone sent them to me. Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay, did you get yours today, I got mine yesterday, that’s why I walk this way. You know how you can tell when a moth farts? He flies in a straight line. Do you realize that somewhere in the world is the worst doctor? Has to be, process of elimination, sooner or later you’re gonna find the worst doctor. And the weird part is that… someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow. Yeah, I know, youse are trying to butter me up. Don’t give me that shit. Yes, in goddamn deed. I love that dog. I’ve never seen him and I love him. He’s gonna be wonderful when I meet that dog. Hey, you want a dog? You want a goddamn dog? Go ahead man, you can have a dog. I got three of them, man. You want a fucking dog? You have it man, it’s yours. Lots of people got lots of goddamn doggies. And you don’t even have to have one to learn about doggies, your friend might have a dog. It could be your friend’s dog. He makes you… that makes him your dog friend. You go to visit your friend and his dog is there and you pet him. Hi, hello. How are you Sneezie? You’re wonderful. Hello, goddamn. I mean, for that moment, he’s your dog. So you can have someone else’s dog for a while. Hi, he likes, he likes me. I think, oh my God, look at this doggie here. Goddamn doggies. There’s lots of things to know about him, too. Lots of things you learn. You don’t know where always, and you can’t remember. For instance, can you remember the first time you found out that by scratching a dog here, you could make this leg go like that. And, that you could make it stop when you stop. Goddamn, I’m in complete control of this dog. Or that you can make their head tilt from across the room just by making a funny noise. You go… and he goes. Oh look honey, isn’t he cute? Let’s get his head fixed so he stays like that. Oh, you can get their heads done. Cost you a bundle, and they don’t like it. Makes them move to the same side all the time. Cute little goddamn doggie. Do you ever eat candy right in front of your dog? I don’t mean a Milky Way. I mean one at a time candy, like M&Ms. And you watch where he’s looking, he’s following your fingertips. Oh, boy, this asshole drops one Jujube, I’m going for his femoral artery. Did you ever spell in front of your dog? Some of them are smart. You’ve gotta spell. Honey, do we have any more b-o-n-e-s? B, they know the sound of B alone. B, bone, bone, bone. Take it easy, take it easy. You know, there’s all kinds of dogs, and all sizes of dogs, too. There’s a lot of goddamn big dogs, you know, big dogs. I don’t mean big. I don’t mean a big dog. I mean a fucking-big-dog. Some people have got goddamn big doggies. Look like they ought to have commercial license plate on them. Livestock dogs. What the hell is that? That’s my dog. He blocked out the sun. That’s Tiny. Little dog is different. Little dog will get around and do fine. He’ll jump all he wants. I don’t know how they jump so high. They got little teeny legs like this. They got legs, if you feel a little dog’s leg, it feels like a beef jerky in there, man. They can jump up on the bed all they want to. Holy God, do that again. Oh, man, one more time. I make him keep doing it till he can’t reach anymore, boom, boom, boom. Then if I want him up there, I’ll put him up there. And sooner or later, what’s gonna happen with the little dog? Sooner or later, lying on the bed he’s gonna create an incident. He’s gonna make one of you humans turn to the other and say, whew. Honey, did you fart? Not me, I thought you farted. Not me, whew. That’s not even one of my farts. I’ve got four farts, and that’s not one of mine. I’ve got my Heineken’s fart, I got my broccoli fart, my rice pudding fart, and my non-dairy creamer fart, and that’s not one of my farts. I know… the dog farted. Tippy, why did you fart? Look at him, he knows he farted. I seen his asshole open up. I seen it. Well, I happened to be looking at his asshole by chance. What kind of a question is that? I thought he was doing them deep breathing exercises. You see, dogs have nothing to do. There’s no job description for a dog. They’re forced to wait for something to happen that they can get in on. If you do something, they’ll be glad to join you. But they rarely initiate any activity on their own. They’re just waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting to come in, waiting to go out, waiting to eat, waiting to crap, waiting to wake up, waiting to sleep, waiting to go upstairs, waiting to go downstairs. Sometimes they’re just waiting to wait. You ever seen a dog just standing there? He don’t know what he’s waiting for, but if it happens, he’ll be ready. Just a waiting and a waiting, waiting for you to come home. They don’t understand time. A dog doesn’t know the difference between an hour and a half or next week. He thinks you’re going to be gone forever. That’s the only time period dogs really understand, forever. That’s how long they think everything lasts. That’s how long they think everything takes, forever and ever. Did you ever scratch your dog behind the ears? Oh boy, they love that, huh? The more you scratching your doggie behind the ears and he really loves that, and you’re looking at him and everything, and when you finally stop he looks at you like you’re a criminal. He thought it was gonna go on and on and on. Same thing when you feed them, soon as they get finished they say, where the fuck’s the food? They thought it was the loaves and the fishes, it was gonna last forever and ever. Dog don’t know, they must think we’re gonna be gone forever, otherwise why would they act the way they do when we finally get home. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I didn’t know what to do. You know what? I don’t know how to operate the can opener. How do you operate the can opener? I didn’t know what to do, man. What, do you push it down? I couldn’t think of it. Do you know what? Do you know what I did? I took a can of dog food and I rolled it down the hill, and hoped a truck ran it over. That’s all I could think of, man. I mean, they’ll do that if you even just forgot your hat. You come back in eight seconds, oh boy, oh boy, I thought you were never gonna come home, I thought you were never gonna come home. I was gonna eat your bird, I couldn’t find the bird. Where the fuck’s the bird? Will you stop that, I was just here. God, they get you mad sometimes, don’t they? Do you ever get mad at your dog, and you feel really dumb and you get all the way to work and you’re still pissed at your pet. What’s the matter, Dan? Well, the dog, goddamn it, never mind. He chewed the legs off everything. Okay, I’ll see you at lunch. Dog don’t care. He’ll do whatever is next. He don’t know what’s next, but he’ll do something. They’ll do two things in a row that don’t go together. You ever seen a dog walking through a room and suddenly he stops and chews his back for 18 minutes? And then when he’s finished chewing, as if it were scheduled for right then, of course, then when he’s finished he doesn’t even know where it was he was gonna go. Where was I gonna go? Oh, shit, oh, I think I’ll go over here. Oh, this is nice over here. I think I’ll keep coming over here. He don’t know, he don’t care. Dog don’t care. Like I say, he’ll do anything. He might embarrass you. He might do something inappropriate when you have company, huh? You might have some folks in visiting you, some of them you don’t know that well, trying to impress a couple of them. Hey, you might be trying to borrow money off one of these studs. Dog is lying out there in the living room, you got all these people sitting around, you got a little chip, a little dip. Dog’s in full view of everyone, got carrot sticks, celery sticks, little lady fingers, finger ladies, all sorts of little things that you got. And everybody’s eating nicely, and you look down and you realize that the dog is licking his balls. No one says anything, no one mentions it, spectacular thing going on. Hey, if I could reach, I’d never leave the house. Are you kidding? Poor little guy. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean it. He’ll come, he’ll apologize to you. He’ll come around a few hours later and apologize. He’ll give you that doggie look, give you them eyes, you know, they have such a great expression, almost human. Sometimes we say that. Isn’t he, look, he looks almost human, Dan. They do, you know? They look like they know something about your mother. They’re not willing to mention it right away. They’re just looking at you like they got a trig problem they can’t quite solve. There’s a, there’s a sad look in their eyes, all the sadness in the world is right in the eyes of a dog. Did you ever do this? Look right into your doggie’s eyes and think of something really sad. And it’ll look like it’s happening to your dog. Strangest thing, they look at you like that. You know why they have so successful a look, cause they got eyebrows. Dogs have eyebrows, or at least little ridges that pass for eyebrows. They got little things… that they can manipulate, just like we do. Oh, please… please daddy, one… more… treat. Cats can’t look at you like that. Cats don’t look at that… cats look at you coldly, as if they’re testing new eyes. Reason cats look different, cats don’t have eyebrows. Cats have a bunch of shit sticking out of their head. They thought it was gonna be an eyebrow, but it didn’t work out. Let’s not tell them, they think it’s an eyebrow. It’s just a bunch of shit, sticking out of their heads. Cats are all different. They do everything different than a doggie. Cats are cute, cats are goddamn cute. Isn’t he cute? Look at him, God, he’s cute. He’s a kitty cat. That’s how cute they are. They needed two names. Kitty wasn’t cute enough, kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? The kitty cat, look at him. Isn’t he cute? Let’s drown him. He’s a cute little goddamn kitty cat, ain’t he? Look. Stick on the wall, see if he hangs up there. Whoa! Little goddamn kitty cat. They’re so goddamn cute when they’re teeny. I hope he stays that size forever. He’s darling. Isn’t he wonderful? Cute little goddamn kitty cat. They can jump any way they want. When they’re teeny, they can jump straight up in the air without a run. They just go vooom. They can even jump backwards to the side. How’d he do that? Holy shit. They can do anything. Jump and be cute as can be, cute goddamn kitty cat. Isn’t he cute? God, I love them. They’re so cute. They’re even cute when they kill. Isn’t he, Look, he’s playing with the mouse. Bullshit. Mouse doesn’t feel that way. They’re cute. Oh, he’s so precious, just tearing the throat right out of that bird. Cute as can be. They kill, see, they like to kill something. That’s what they want to do, that’s why they act so nice. They wanna go yaaah. Even when they’re teeny, when they’re just born. You take a baby, baby, that is a human, you take a baby dog and a baby cat, and you attack all three of them, which I try never to do if I can help it, but you’ll get three different results. You attack a baby, he cries. You attack a puppy, he cowers. You attack kitty cat, he fights. One day old, they’re looking for some shit. They ain’t even got their eyes open, they’ll grab anything. Nasty little cute thing. Cute little nasty guy. Oh, they’re wonderful, God love them. They’re so physical. That’s what’s fun. They’re so physical. They love to rub on you. They love to rub on you. If you’ve got a leg and a cat, whew, you got a party. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I love his leg, oh boy. I’m rubbing on his leg, oh boy, oh boy. If you got two legs, shit, jubilee celebration time. Oh boy, two legs, hot shit. I can do the figure eight. They love to do the figure eight, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I love to rub on his leg. They’ll rub against your leg even if you’re not there yet. You might still be 50 feet down the hall, they see you coming, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, soon I’ll be rubbing on his leg, soon. They’ll even walk sideways so they don’t miss you, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. They love it. They’re so physical. You don’t have to pet a cat, you just put your hand over him and he’ll do all the work, man. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. You pet him, you ever pet a cat who’s lying absolutely flat, and before you’re halfway finished his ass is way up in the air. Like you pressed the ass button or something. Isn’t he a cute little… holy shit, how did he do that? Then they jump on your chest and put their ass right in your face. Here’s my ass, dad, check this ass, huh? And while they’re showing you their ass, they give you some of this stuff. I say get him off of me, Jesus, I hate that. I don’t even know what it is, and I don’t like it. It looked like they’re into some bad drug. There’s one other quality cats have, which, uh, I admire, cats don’t accept blame. They don’t embarrass at all. A cat does something dumb, you’d never know it by looking at him. Dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it just by looking at the dog. Not the cat. Cat doesn’t accept any blame. Cat moves along to the next activity. What’s that? Not me, fuck that, I’m a cat. Something break, ask the dog. Cat doesn’t get embarrassed. You ever seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door? I meant that, I meant that, I meant that. That’s exactly how I wanted that to look. Fucking meow, fucking meow, fucking meow. That’s what they say when they get behind the couch. A cat’s too proud to let you see him suffer, but you look behind the couch and you’ll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident. They got little slings and walkers, you know. Tried to make the window from the lamp. Little kitty cat, goddamn kitty cat. Do you realize Hitler only had one ball? What do you think about a man with one ball? Do you think he has two strikes against him? Maybe he’s got one ball and two strikes. Hitler only had one ball. A lot of people don’t know that. A lot of people don’t know that. They say Hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls… one. For some time I was trying to get a list of words together that would fairly represent the dirty words, cause nobody gives you a list of dirty words for life, have you noticed that? There’s some words that are perfectly clean but sound like they could be filthy if you gave them just a little help. A word like pussyfoot. It’s perfectly clean. But when you say pussyfoot there’s a little giggle, cause people know that with a little help this word could be filthy. No matter what form of the verb you try, it’s clean as a verb, but pussyfoot could be a noun. It could be a noun, pussyfoot, a rare disorder. A female birth defect. Hello boys, I have pussyfoot. God, you sure do, lady. And I love them open-toed shoes you have on. Well, I’d rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker, I can say that. Or beer nuts. God, that must be awful. Beer nuts, the official disease of Milwaukee. I know whenever I see the little canister behind the bar, I drop in a couple of dollars for beer nuts. I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts. Or, cotton balls. Which is the dreaded final stage of beer nuts. When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls, I’ll be heading home to you. It’s an old Southern hymn. Lots of little phrases like that in the language that don’t quite say what they mean. Take a shit is another one. Take a shit!? You don’t take shit, you leave a shit! That’s the whole idea, to leave it. I left a shit. Fine, thank you, Jeff. Where’d you leave it? In the icebox. I’m gonna take a shit. Don’t take one of mine! I only have two left and the weekend is coming up. Why don’t you go home and take one of your own shits. Guy’s always mooching off me. He must think I’m made of shit or something. Boy, that shit don’t grow on trees, you know? Well, enough of that shit. Lots of little phrases like that. Pick your nose is, well, blow your nose. Blow your nose is a phrase. Imagine that, blowing your nose. I don’t believe they really mean that, do you? You can’t blow your nose. I believe it’s physically impossible to blow your nose. You might get somebody else to blow your nose, but it would have to be a real good friend. Cocktails, another clean word. You can advertise them. You can put up signs all over town, cocktails. As long as you use both halves of the word, perfectly fine. But you can’t advertise either one of those two items if you break those words in half. They’ll come and take your sign down. Cocktail, it’s okay. It depends on how you say that kind of word. You ladies like some cocktails? Hey lady, you want a cocktail? Cockpit. Men will actually laugh about that, cockpit. Get it? Oh yeah. Bangkok, there’s a lovely city. How would you like to be a hooker in Bangkok? It would seem like a natural habitat. Peacock. NBC is really proud of their peacock. You know what a female peacock is? A peacunt. My list, I was just trying to isolate the words that were always filthy, not the ones that were sometimes dirty. And the original list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. This was all I could think of in one sitting, just one try. But we had to add some, we had shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, and then we added fart, turd and twat, which also don’t have other meanings. You know, twat’s twat, and that’s that. But after a while, it didn’t take long, well, it took quite a while. But I finally discovered that there are only two words on the list you really had to deal with to sort of look at the double standard that television uses where language is concerned. Uh, the two words were fart and fuck. Those are the only two. They seem similar because you can’t say either one of them. You can’t say fart and you can’t say fuck. No matter how cleverly you try to work them in, no matter how clinical the conversation is, fart and fuck will not show up on the final tape. You simply cannot say them. But that’s where the similarity ends, cause at least with the word fuck, even though you can’t say the word fuck, you can talk about fucking. Oh, you can refer to fucking, there’s lots of fuck talk going on, on TV, they just don’t call it fucking. That’s the secret, they don’t use that word. There’s plenty of fuck talk. You see people who wrote a book about fucking. You’ll see a guy on a talk show who wrote a book about fucking. How to fuck, who to fuck, when to fuck, why to fuck and how to feel after you fuck. This man is a fuck expert and he wrote a fuck book, and he’s talking to Merv Griffin about fucking, and they’re getting away with it cause they don’t call it fucking. Same with the soap operas, everybody, you take a look at a soap opera, and you know everybody is fucking somebody on a soap opera. And if they’re not fucking somebody, they’re trying to fuck somebody. Will he fuck her, did he fuck her, has he fucked her, should he fuck her, can he fuck her some more, will they fuck too much, will they get silly from fucking, who is fucking who, that’s all you want to know, is what the fuck is going on, on this program here. You know that somebody is getting fucked, and you think it’s you. So there’s lots of fuck talk, and there’s plenty of fucking on television, they just don’t call it fucking. They call it everything else. Now, on the other hand, farts, not only can you not mention the word fart, but you can’t refer to farts at all. That’s how bad farts are, they’re worse than fucking. You never hear anybody talking about farts on TV. You’ve never seen a guy who wrote a book on farts; how to fart, who to fart at, how to feel after you fart. There’s no fart experts on the Merv Griffin Show, you don’t see any farts or fart references, it’s a fart free zone. Wouldn’t you think after 35 years one guy by now would have gone, whew? Just once, just once I’d like to see someone on the Johnny Carson panel say, Hey, Ed, move down, man. That was a Clydesdale fart. Well, anyway, uh, after a while I realized that I was needlessly restricting myself to seven words, and only to the ones that weren’t allowed on TV. I mean, there were a lot more to be looked at, and television isn’t the only place that objects to your language sometimes. There are lots of situations where you’re not supposed to say that. So I expanded the list by as many as I could, and I’d like to share some with you now. This list is a little longer than it was before. First we start with the ones we already know; shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Crap, balls, prick, asshole, jackoff, jerkoff, scumbag, douche bag, hard-on, rod-on, boner, stiff, piss hard, blue balls, nookie, cooze, gash, slash, hole, slit, snatch, box, beaver, pussy, bearded clam, gism, cum, cream, juice, pecker, peckerhead, peckertracks, dick, dork, dong, doniker, wang, shlong, shwans, pork, crabs, ass, butt, heinie, tuckus, bum, buns, cheeks, screw, lay, diddle, plow, hump, bang, poke, batter, wham, knock up, bugger, ground, jugs, bazooms, knockers, knobs, lungs, balloons, dildo, joy stick, hair pie, muff, cornhole, rim job, blow job, sugar bowl pie, suck off, give head, sit on my face, butt fuck, finger fuck, clap, bleat, 69, 71 which is 69 with two fingers up your ass, daisy chain, circle jerk, cock teaser, wet dream, cunt struck, pussy whipped, short arm, tuna taco, group grope, milking the chicken, bulldagger, gangbang, ball breaker, ball buster, merkin, bananas and cream, up the old dirt road, around the world, beat your meat, whack off, flogging your dong, pounding your pud, beating the bishop, poontang, dingleberry, sit on it, fudge packer, milking the lizard, fart face, old fart, farting around, fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat, quickie, queer, queen, putz, put out, push, beef injection, dog style, pop your cookies, bust your nuts, one-eyed monster, knob, pocket pool, tail, piddle, paddle the pickle, one-man band, snapper, notch, garage, shaft, stick, piece of ass, goddammit, pimp, hooker, punk, faggot, dike, lezzie, box lunch, sea food, hand job, hammer, hatch, head job, hot nuts, hum job, prong, jelly roll, jerk the gherkin, lob, meat whistle, cheese, cat fan, middle leg, wanking, bootie, love muscle, snappin’ pussy, bitch, bastard, clam, bite the brown, going up mustard road, bone on, bush, button, cunt lapper, cherry, tool, dingus, quif, quim, get off, joint, peace, stem, root, crack, cootch, crud, eat me, fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck off, piss off, piss on you, stick it, stuff it, ram it, jam it, cram it, horny, peter, the one-eyed wonder worm, piece of ass, little brown eyeball, golden showers, pound cake, boy in the boat, brown eyes, brown nose, sloppy seconds, Mongolian cluster fuck, rod of love, copping a feel, copping a cherry, copping a joint, on the rag, flying the flag, riding the cotton pony, dipping your wick, going down on, dry hump, fist fuck, skin flute, french job, furburger, nuts, get your rocks off, get in, get it up, hung, ginch, gobble, diesel dock, rubber, shoot… diesel dike that was… syph, wad, cocksman, tit fuck, tongue, rough trade, trick, weenie and yodeling in the gully. Thank you and I’ll see you next time.

1686242190-226

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

RON WHITE: IF YOU QUIT LISTENING, I’LL SHUT UP (2018) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ron-white-if-you-quit-listening-ill-shutup-transcript/

[Ron White] You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? What’s he doing? Looks like he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth. But let me tell you something, folks. You can’t fix stupid. Now, when I have seven eighths of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be… out of marijuana. Tiger doesn’t get any credit for all that pussy he turned down, and that’s the number you’re looking for right there. 6:01, gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won’t suck itself. That’s why. [cheering and applause] [country rock music] [inaudible] I want to start off this evening by telling you something about me you may not know. Um, I’m from a very, very small dusty town in northwest Texas, and I grew up in this little bitty house that was built by my father and my grandfather the year I was born, 1956. Now I live in Beverly Hills in a house my wife and I just built, and I was doing an interview the other day, and this guy asked me, “Has it changed you? You know, the fame and fortune and all that?” And I said, “I don’t think so,” but I kept thinking about it, and I realized it’s changed me in two ways. One, while we were building this house, my wife selected these really exotic Japanese toilets. And as you approach these toilets, the lid of the toilet automatically opens. I was mad when I first saw it. I’m like, “You’re wasting our money on this stuff?” But I got used to it after a while. And now when I approach a toilet, and the lid doesn’t automatically open, I just piss all over the top of it. And I still eat tacos, but now I only eat the baby duck pussy lip tacos that you get at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills on Sunday. What they do is they take these baby ducks, and they just snip the pussy lips off of ’em, and it takes, like, 35 baby ducks to make one taco, but it is fucking worth it, man. And it turns out, they’ve been snipping the pussy lips off of baby ducks in Saudi Arabia for 1,500 years and just throwing them in a river, and the cook from the Four Seasons went there and saw this amazing waste of baby duck pussy lips, and just started thinking, you know, “Fuck… Tacos!” PETA hates it. And I don’t know why, ’cause they used to sell duck tacos, nobody gave a shit. You gotta kill the duck to get the duck meat. You don’t have to kill the baby duck to get the pussy lips off of it. Sure, they bleed to death in the trash can when you throw them away, but they’re baby ducks. It’s a nickel for a hundred of ’em. Nobody gives a shit. So if you’re ever in Beverly Hills on Sunday night, go to the Four Seasons. It’s baby duck pussy lip taco night, and… get there early, because, uh, parking. I’m 61 years old now, and I know two things to be true. One… anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you can’t un-fuck the housekeeper. So… That’s it. That’s all I know. Governor Schwarzenegger helped me with that second one, so I didn’t have to do that one myself, so that’s good. Don’t drink and drive. That’s what they say. They also say friends don’t let friends drive drunk. Well, which one is it? Somebody’s gotta drive. I was leaving a party the other night, and this buddy of mine goes, “Hey, Ron, can you drive?” I was like, “I can drive… I can’t get pulled over.” Now, I won’t drive drunk, but I will ride with somebody that can’t blow a .08 and not fucking know it. ‘Cause .08’s not drunk. .08 is a revenue stream for the federal fucking government, is what .08 is. That ain’t drunk at all. That ain’t even kind of drunk. This is drunk. That guy can’t drive my fucking car. Now I’m not saying I’ve never driven drunk, because I’ve drank so much in my life, now on the back of my driver’s license, there’s a list of organs I need. I was in Melbourne, Florida, one time and I was driving a rental car, and I was by myself, and I’d had two drinks. I didn’t make the drinks. I don’t know how strong they were. Tasted strong. Whiskey and ice cubes. And I’m driving, and I look ahead, and there’s a sobriety checkpoint and I’m like… “Fuck…” Which is what you say when you see a sobriety checkpoint. Fuck. And I get up there and the cop goes, “Mr. White, I smell alcohol on your breath.” I said, “That’s been there since ’77, dude.” You pour that much Scotch on a tongue, it’s gonna smell like Scotch forever. There’s nothing you can do about it. We’ve tried everything that there is. He goes, “Well, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer,” and I said, “Well, here’s the bad news, Hoss. I’m not gonna do it. I’m not, and I’ll tell you why, because if that piece of shit’s calibrated wrong, I could be convicted of something I didn’t even do.” He goes, “Then I need you to do a field sobriety test.” I’m like, “Just tell me what to do.” He goes, “I want you to stand on one foot, raise the other foot–” “No, bullshit. Fuck that. I’m not doing that either. I’m not, and I’ll tell you why. That’s not a sobriety test. That’s an agility test, and I’m not very goddamn agile, all right? I’m not, and it’s not fair to me, because I’m older, I’m not in that great of shape. I may or may not be a little drunk. Fuck, I don’t know. You know what a fair drunk driving test is? Drunk driving. Get in the car. Let’s do a couple of blocks. Let me show you some skills. I’m not a 21-year-old, puking cheap tequila through my nose. I’m a 61-year-old raging alcoholic, motherfucker.” Or that’s what it said in the deposition. Here’s another fair test: darts. We go back to O’Leary’s Pub where this whole fucking thing started. If you can beat me at darts, you can take me to fucking jail, how about that? How about a sobriety contest? I got to go this year for the first time in my career to do stand-up in Europe, and I did shows in Amsterdam, Edinburgh, Scotland, and London. And when I was in Edinburgh, I realized that the Scots made me laugh harder than anybody. Not because they try to say something funny. It’s just the words they say, whatever the fuck they say just cracks me the fuck up. And I wear wild socks, and… So I’m having breakfast in this restaurant across the street from the hotel I’m staying in, by myself, and… I finish with my meal, I realize I don’t have any money. I only have the room key. I left everything in my room, and I tell the guy, “Listen, I got to go back to the hotel. I’ll get some money. I’ll come back over and pay you.” This is what he says: “Well, those don’t look like the socks of a man who would steal an egg.” Yeah, they sure the fuck don’t. And I did these shows in London, and they don’t play my stuff on television in London. So I really had to call and promote these shows and get everybody to come out, and I called this radio station in London. This is what this DJ says to me: “Ron… Every time a celebrity calls our station, we always ask the same question: If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?” And I said… “Living.” And he tried to explain it to me. He was like, “No, what I’m saying is, if you could talk to someone, whether they…” Yeah, I fucking get it. I’m a joke writer from America. I’m all over it, dude. Trying to make this funny, sell some comedy tickets in a land where you don’t play my shit. Thanks for playing our game. And the punchline of that story is, I come back to the States, when I get back to the States, my assistant goes, “Ron, did you hear that John Mayhew died?” And I’m like, “John Mayhew… Why do I know that name?” “It’s your ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.” [laughing quietly] Oh, I hated that motherfucker. That Yale snob fucking piece of shit, fucked me out of so goddamn much money. It happened ten years before, but I still had his office number in my phone, and my wife said I was a dick for doing this, but as soon as I found out he died, I called his office, I said, “I’d like to speak to John Mayhew, please.” The lady goes, “I’m very sorry to tell you, but Mr. Mayhew passed away.” I said, “Okay,” and I called her right back and said, “I’d like to speak to John Mayhew, please.” She goes, “I just told you, Mr. Mayhew passed away.” I said,  “I know, I just like hearing you say it.” My wife’s like, “You’re a dick.” I said, “Bullshit. He’s lucky I don’t know where he’s buried. I’ll show you dick.” I saw this on the news the other day. This befuddled me. It was a story about a town in the Middle East where, by law… by law, the women who live in this town have to wear burkas with one… eyehole. That’s it. That’s all you get. One eyehole. Not two eyeholes like those other sluts. One… [giggling] ..fucking eyehole. Just enough to keep from bumping into shit. That’s all you need. And the guys over there still think they’re hot. They’re like, “Ooh, look at that one.” Which one? They all look like fucking tents. And I think that’s why they marry so many of them. You got to unwrap a few to get the one you’re looking for… in a sight unseen situation. And if you’re all politically correct, don’t worry. I’m not busting on women from the Middle East. I know they’re perfectly content to live the way they do. They are. Oh, you can see it in their eyehole. Three weeks ago, my wife and I went to New York City, and we went to a gay wedding, and it was a man marrying a woman, [laughing] but it was the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You can get married now if you’re gay, anywhere in America, that’s fine with me. I don’t care one way or another. Get married, don’t get married. I don’t give a shit. [snorting] I don’t, really… I’ve got tons of gay friends, most of ’em male dancers from fucking Vegas, and they’re like, “We want to get married too.” I’m like, “You’re going to fucking hate it, but…” I think the Supreme Court fucked up the best thing about being gay. “Well, I would marry ya, but I can’t! I’d give you half my shit right now, but I don’t make up the rules.” I was doing a meet and greet the other day right after a show, this young guy goes, “When my girlfriend comes back from vacation with her parents, I’m going to ask her to marry me. Do you have any advice, Mr. White?” Now, I’d just got off the ugliest phone call I’ve ever had with my wife, and it was about that house, and part of that house was gonna be a rehearsal space for her band, and while I was shooting a pilot in Vancouver, it turned into a 24-track recording studio. And I was so goddamn mad. I couldn’t fucking breathe. We had spent $100,000 on this little fucking room, and that builder, that motherfucker. I told him, “Don’t you goddamn do it. Don’t you fucking do it.” And he fucking did it! While I was in Canada shooting a fucking pilot! The motherfucker! You ever notice nobody ever dies when you wish they would? This conversation got so goddamn out of hand. The shit that should have never got said got said, it just spun into this big shit storm of fuck. I’ll tell you how the conversation ended, and then you’ll know how it went. This is how the conversation ended. She goes, “Listen, Ron. I’m not trying to be an asshole,” and I go, “Really? You’re not even trying? Well, you’re gifted.” And I told this young guy, I said, “Yeah, if I were you, I’d go to a gay bar, let somebody fuck me in the ass and make goddamn sure I’m not gay, ’cause it looks like they’re having more fun than anybody to me.” It does too, ’cause we live right next to West Hollywood. You go anywhere in West Hollywood, there’s these gigantic gay men’s clubs with these huge patios. These places are packed to the fucking rafters at 2:30 in the afternoon, seven days a week. And these guys are laughing and dancing and drinking, and they’re having a fucking blast. And you know why they’re having so much fun? ‘Cause there ain’t no goddamn women there. That’s why. That’s why. That’s why. They’re doing whatever the fuck they want to do whenever the fuck they want to do it. “I got a good idea, Tommy. Let’s do a big shot of tequila, you snort some cocaine off my dick and fuck me right up the butt.” And they march off to the bathroom and do exactly that, exactly then, and the reason they can is there’s not a woman there to go, “Well, that’s morally wrong and bathrooms aren’t near clean enough to butt-fuck in.” Oh, they beg to differ. I thought about being gay one time, and I changed my mind when it came my turn. Like, “What? I got to what? What? What? What? What?” I’ll tell you this story. This happened last Wednesday at The Comedy Store in LA. And The Comedy Store in LA is a really pretty big place. It’s got three comedy clubs and I’d just done a 15-minute set in the OR, which is the original room, but they call it the OR. And right before I went on stage, I was in the green room of the main room, and they came over there and they said, “Ron, they need you in the OR.” I never thought anybody would fucking say that, you know? So I did my set, and I’m out in the hallway talking to Joe Rogan and this guy comes up to me, in his early 30s, I would guess, very flamboyant, very nervous. And he comes up to me and goes… [high-pitched] “Mr. White… I was always going to tell you if I ever met you that when my father was alive, you were his favorite comedian by far.” I said, “Thank you very much for telling me that, man. I appreciate that, and I’m sorry you lost your dad.” He goes, “I was in love with you and I’d see you on television, I’d pretend you were my husband and we’d go out to eat, and things like that.” I went, “Well, that’s nice of you to say, I appreciate it, very nice to meet you.” He goes, “I had a picture of you I used to masturbate to.” Which one? And it turns out I had no problem with it at all. And I’ll tell you why I didn’t have a problem with it, ’cause I thought the number of people beating off to my image was zero. Turns out it’s a solid one. I guarantee you, when I leave the house, my wife’s not dragging out a headshot, rubbing one off… “You look more like Steve Bannon every day. You’re just fucking… just… Some red lipstick on that nose, this would be hot as fuck.” I’m not gay. [laughing] Seems like I’d have something else to say after that. I’m not gay, but I have these moments. The other day I was watching Tarzan, the new Tarzan movie. The newest one that’s not very new, but it’s the newest one. And the guy that played Tarzan was a really, really handsome fella, and he was really a good-looking guy, but I was watching it, thinking, “You know, if that guy from Thor, Chris Hemsworth, was in this, this would really be a better movie, ’cause I’d just rather look at Chris Hemsworth without his shirt on.” What the fuck did you just think? I just think Chris Hemsworth’s the best-looking motherfucker. And then I was watching Godfather, I thought, “Well, if instead of that horse head, they just had Chris Hemsworth with no shirt on. Just his torso, blood coming out of it and just Chris Hemsworth kind of… I don’t want to pinch his nipples or anything. I just like to see it.” And I was watching that movie The Help, and I’m like, “I know he’s not a young negro woman, but… if he just had on an apron and no shirt…” I consider myself a gold star heterosexual. Now the reason I know this term is, I have lesbian friends too. And I know that a gold star lesbian is a woman who’s never had any dick not once ever in her life, and I’ve never had any dick not once ever in my life. And I know some guys that have had one homosexual experience or two or 10,000, doesn’t make a fuck bit of difference to me. I could not possibly care any less. I just never have. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, and I was in the Navy stationed in San Diego, and I lost my virginity to a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, who was overweight, and her teeth had no general direction or color. But she was well within my budget. Well, I got stationed at Pearl Harbor. After I’d been there for a little while, I found out there was one part of Hotel Street on Oahu that you go to, and these really cute girls that jump in your car and blow you for five dollars. Best deal I’ve ever heard of in my life to this day. And that’s about a 45-second task with me at 18 years old. I’m like, “Oh! Ooh! Ahh! I’m out of here. I gotta go.” I’m coming back twice a day every fucking day. I’m there for eight months. A little while back I was watching this documentary on transvestites, and they start talking about the transvestite scene that’s been on Hotel Street on Oahu for 55 years. Those were dudes? I let 150 dudes suck my dick? Jesus. What’s the record? You’d think you can tell a man’s mouth from a woman’s mouth, but you cannot. A tongue is a tongue, and a tooth is a fucking tooth. If it would have been a handjob, I’d have been going, “Hey, you’re a plumber, dude, get that claw off my fucking pecker.” I ran, um… I ran for president of the United States, and I don’t think I won, because nobody’s called and I quit watching television. My platform was a little different than our president’s platform. He wants to build a wall between the US and Mexico to keep out immigrants, and I wanted to build a net between the US and Canada to keep those fucking geese out of here. I fucking hate geese. I fucking hate ’em. I got attacked by a goose when I was a kid. I never got over it. My uncle was a Baptist preacher, and I was at his little white clapboard Baptist church in a little bitty town in Texas and I was sitting– Vacation bible school. I’m on the back porch of the church, eating my little sandwich, six years old, drinking my Kool-Aid. This goose comes out of this pond like a fucking killing machine. [squawk] Bites me on the fucking leg. Steals my sandwich. Leaves me shudder-crying. [sobbing] I had nightmares about it my entire goddamn childhood. I fucking hate ’em. They’re not natural. Geese aren’t natural. They’re not. The way they cross the street right in front of fucking cars with that weird-ass confidence. “Yo, bitch, what the fuck you going to do about it?” Lock those beady eyes on you. “I got 17 friends behind me. Nobody’s moving till we get across this street.” They could have flown over the fucking street. I’m in my car, all intimidated. I’m like, “What do I even do? I can put my car in drive and roll over your ass. Nobody would give a shit.” I wouldn’t do it. Nobody in this fucking room would do it. You know why? ‘Cause we’re scared to fucking death of geese. Nobody wants to talk about it but me. And we should be afraid of geese too, and I’ll tell you why. A goose is the only animal on the planet could take a jetliner out of the fucking sky and make it land on the Hudson River. That’s what happened to that plane Sully landed on the Hudson River. Geese started flying through the engines of that jet. Radical terrorist Canadian geese! Build a net. No other animal crosses the road with this kind of fucking poise. That’s all I’m saying. No other fucking animal does this. When my dog gets out of the yard, gets in the street, he’s like, “Oh fuck! I’m in the road!” Does a Z-pattern to get across. Squirrels. Nature’s most shitty critical thinkers. “Well, I’ve been here, but I’ve never been here, and if I only–” Dead. Cats die when they touch the road. That’s all a cat has to do, is just, “Pow!” There’s so many dead cats on my street, it looks carpeted. You ever seen a dead goose anywhere in your goddamn life? Just laying there dead, ’cause it died somewhere? Fuck no, you have not. Because they rarely fucking die. I have a back-up plan to curtail the goose population in America. I’m going to open a chain of restaurants that only sells baby goose pussy lip tacos. You think you know tender… but you really don’t. Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef taste like boo… boot leather. [distorted] Wagyu beef taste like boot leather. Baby goose pussy… [tripping over his tongue] …makes wagyu beef taste like boot leath… boot… All right, I’m gonna rewrite this sentence. I can… I got to get this right for the special. Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef… [laughing] Okay. Okay. All right. [crowd shouting encouragement] Baby… [audience member] Come on! All right, y’all shut up. Okay. I’m ready. Baby… [crowd laughing] Shut up, you’re supposed to shut up. Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef taste like boot leather. [cheering and applause] That’s pretty slick. I started this tour a while back in Las Vegas, and… while I was there, I was walking down the Strip, my wife and I, and they’re having a sex toy convention, which is one of their five biggest conventions of the year. Literally, people come from all over the world to buy stuff for their shops, and my wife said, “My friend’s having a shower. I need to get her a gag gift. Let’s go to this thing. It’ll be fun.” I’m like, “All right, let’s go.” And it was unbelievable, huge, all the big dildo companies were there, uh…. Fuck Rudders, uh… Bone Depot, Shaft Crafters. Black and Pecker, Peterbilt, Johnson & Johnson… and Johnson. So we walk up to Knob Cobblers, or whatever the fuck the name of it was. I don’t remember. We walk up to this booth that only sells dildos. That’s all they sell. And I asked the guy, I said… “How much are the dildos?” And he goes, [angrily] “They’re not dildos, they’re personal massagers.” “All right. How much is the personal massager shaped like a big black cock? ‘Cause we’re looking for a gag gift, and… if that doesn’t gag her, I don’t know what we’re going to use, ’cause… it’s gotta be something big, you tell me. A broom handle, a pool cue, a fucking plunger.” Gag, woman, gag. There were porno movies everywhere, but the porno movie that caught my eye was called Fat Midgets Fucking Fat Midgets… Two. I would have missed the boat if I was in the porno business right there. I’d have said, “Ain’t nobody gonna pay to watch fat midgets fuck fat midgets.” Bullshit, there’s a sequel. Apparently there were some unanswered questions in Fat Midgets… Fucking Fat Midgets. I picked up the DVD, looked at the cover, it looked like somebody’s trying to shove a pumpkin through a beach ball. Now I’ve got questions. And then the whole experience just started to creep me the fuck out. I just grabbed my big black dick and left. I don’t need this shit. It seemed like they would give you a sack or something. My wife does yoga, and next to her yoga school in Beverly Hills, there’s a spa that offers treatments that I’ve never heard of. One of these treatments is a thing called anal bleaching. I’ll give you a second to get your arms around that. Now I’ve never walked in the doors of this place, and I don’t know exactly what they’re up to, but… apparently… some people… are really unhappy with the color of the old bunghole. So unhappy, they’re willing to bleach it until it becomes a more desirable color. Now I don’t know if they have a color in mind when they start, or if you just bleach it and get whatever the fuck you get. Or if there’s some paint chips and a tray of Smile Bright. You’re just spreading your ass cheeks, squatting into a tray of solution for a limited amount of time for a desired result. [inaudible] [shouting] What’s it look like now? I don’t know. I know this. I have no idea what color my asshole is. I don’t have that kind of mirror or that kind of friend. Nobody wants to be a white asshole, but everybody wants to have one all of a sudden. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell my fucking relatives. Another service they offer at this spa… is a thing called vaginal rejuvenation. All right. Now, I think it’s a little strange that vaginal rejuvenation is fine, yet it’s illegal to roll back the odometer on your car. Vaginal rejuvenation. Rejuvenate your vagina. It was juvenated, it became un-juvenated, it needs to be rejuvenated. Bring it into the shop. Now, I don’t know what’s wrong with your vagina that makes you think it needs to be rejuvenated. I don’t know if it just looks tired or sad, or… worried about something it can’t do anything about. Well, whatever it is, I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. I wouldn’t and I’ll tell you why. Because the most jacked-up cooch I’ve ever seen in my life is way better looking than my ball sack. Besides, if you’re at that point in a make-out session, you’re gonna do it anyway. It doesn’t matter what it fucking looks like. It’s like you were waiting in line for two hours to ride a roller coaster and it finally shows up and the seats are kinda bumpy and worn out. You’re still going to hop in that motherfucker. Yeah! ‘Cause I don’t have the answer to a lot of life’s questions. Or any. But oddly enough, I do have a suggestion for this. Ladies, if you don’t like the way the cooch is looking, before you go do something that extreme, try this. Quit trimming it… for a year. And just do a comb-over. From the big lip to the little lip, right over the clit, tuck in the meat curtains if you got ’em. Get some Brylcreem and some dippity-do and a hair dryer. And just set it and forget it… and fucking shut it down. I understand how unnecessary that was. Somebody asked me to do this story. I’m going to do it, ’cause I’m surprised they know it, but… I support the Montreal Comedy Festival, and if you ever have a chance to go to Montreal in the summer to go to the festival, it’s the coolest fucking thing there is. I do it all the time. Montreal’s a gorgeous city, and the festivals are done in 20 venues all over the town, beautiful thing. And every year SiriusXM does a live broadcast from there. It was about three years ago, and there were six comics in an open forum, telling stories, and this is the story that I told. It’s very short. It happened a long time ago, which doesn’t fucking matter. It’s not like if I told you the story without saying that, you’d have gone, “That was very short and happened a long time ago. I wish you would have told us that up front.” I was the feature act at the Punchline Comedy Club in Sacramento, California. And traditionally in American comedy clubs, there’s three acts. There’s an opening act that makes between 100 and 200 a week for nine shows, the feature act, which is what I was, makes between 400 and 500 bucks a week for nine shows, and a headliner who can make absolutely anything depending on who they are. And traditionally during the week, these three comics would go to the mall and those two comics would watch that comic spend money. These two comics don’t have any money. These are two broke fucking fingers. So I’ve just driven from Dallas to Sacramento to make $400. That’s how much money I’ve got. So I don’t have “go out and party money”. I’ve got “go get a six-pack of beer and a frozen pizza”. Not the good frozen pizza, the other fucking frozen fucking pizza, and go back to the shitty little motel they rent us, and one night a week, I’d let myself rent a porno movie, and I’d call this date night. So I’m all set up. My beer is cold. My pizza is done. I ordered the movie. It says, “Please enjoy your feature film,” but nothing comes on the television. I’m like, “No! No, this has to fucking happen. I don’t have another eight goddamn dollars.” And I called the front desk in a panic. I said, “I ordered a movie, it said, ‘Please enjoy your feature film,’ but nothing came on the TV.” She goes, “I’ll send somebody over from Maintenance,” I’m like… Knock on the door, it’s a chick from Maintenance. “What’s the problem?” I said, “I ordered a movie, it said, ‘Please enjoy your feature film,’ but nothing came on the TV.” She goes, “What did you order?” Cast Away. She goes, “Look, it’s just on the wrong channel.” Click. What’s she doing to Wilson? She’s gonna overinflate him. And, uh… this is a story my mother told me I should do on stage. I just told her the other day. Anyway… I was a bed-wetter, and… I was mortified by it. I mean, I wet the bed all the fucking time and I just hated myself for it. That’s the worst thing you can be as a little kid is a fucking bed-wetter. And I would never go spend the night at anybody’s house, ’cause I knew I’d wet the bed and they’d find out I was a bed-wetter, and so far nobody really knew but my mom and my dad, and it was just my biggest secret. And I was about 12 years old and I had gone three months without wetting the bed. I’m like, “I’m through it. I’m fucking over it.” So I decided to spend the night at Joe Paine’s house, who had been my friend since I was six years old. And he had bunk beds in his room, and Joe Paine’s on the top bed, Danny Davis is on the lower bed, and I’m on a sleeping bag on the floor, and I wet the fucking bed, and I’m, like, mortified. I’m like, “They’re gonna know. They’re gonna know I’m a fucking bed-wetter. My fucking life is over. They’re going to fucking know. Nothing could make this better. Unless… one of them wet the bed.” And as a 12-year-old, I make a conscious decision to piss on my friend… to make me look better. That’s what kind of person I am right there, 12 years old. You imagine how I think fucking now what I’d do to you. I’d have peed on both of them, but one of them was too fucking high and I was like, I’d piss on the wall trying to piss on that guy. I was 12. I could piss like a fucking fire hydrant. And Danny wakes up and he goes, “I had a dream. Somebody was peeing on me! And I wet the bed!” And I’m like, “Me too!” And I never told him. I always let him think he wet the fucking bed. And the way he found out he didn’t wet the bed, is he lived in Round Rock, Texas, and I hadn’t really seen him in years, and I was doing this radio station and I told that story, and he called the radio station, “You fucking pissed on me? You let me think, I went my whole life, that I’d pissed in Joe Paine’s fucking bunk bed?” So my wife and I, we both tour extensively, and, uh… she bought us two dogs, which, you know, just makes touring easier if you… have a couple of dogs to drag with you on all those flights, and… she bought us two French Bulldogs. If you don’t know what they look like, it looks like a pug was raped by a fruit bat. She brings these dogs home, and I’m like, “What the fuck?” And she goes, “They’re watchdogs,” I’m like, “What are they gonna watch? Television?” But it turns out, they’re great watchdogs. And not because if somebody was breaking into our house, they would make a bunch of noise and scare those people away, because you couldn’t possibly wake them up. But when somebody breaks into our house now, they discover that all of our things have been chewed up and pissed on. And word of that spreads throughout the criminal community. And nobody wants our shit anymore. We don’t even want it. I’m the watchdog at our house. I’m the reluctant watchdog. I don’t sleep very well. I have sleep apnea, which keeps my wife awake. I think if it didn’t keep my wife awake, I wouldn’t know I had it. Here’s what I get at three o’clock in the morning when I have a six o’clock flight: [whispering] “Ron. Ron, wake up. Ron, wake up. Did you hear that?” Did you just wake me up to ask me if I heard something? [whispering] “Did you?” Do you think I fucking heard it? “Go see what it is.” Wake up those fucking dogs you bought. That’s the whole plan. I walk out there and get shot, her and them dogs leave out the back door, hop in the Mercedes, live the life of Riley, while I bleed to death on that fucking rug she had to have. And there’s never anybody there. I have no idea what I’d do if I walked out and somebody was there, I’d be like… [yawning] [click] Oh, hey. You were right! Call 9-1-1 or something. Don’t worry about them. They’re watchdogs. They just like to watch. If you tilt that a little bit, you can get it through that door. I know it smells like piss. It all smells like piss, dude. I’d help you move it out, but I’m bleeding. You should have the person help you move all the shit out and then shoot him. I’m also an idea man. And I am an idea man, too. This is my new idea. This is, uh… This is brilliant. It’s a dating website… and I actually saw another dating website that made me think of mine. The one I saw was called, “It’s Just Lunch,” and what they do is they just hook people up, and they have lunch, broad daylight, right in the middle of the day. [high-pitched] That’s all. Just lunch. We’re just gonna have lunch. That’s all. Just lunch. Maybe a salad and a sandwich. Maybe a half a sandwich and a soup. You know, they do that now. Probably a big glass of tea with a big slice of lemon. We’re just gonna have lunch. That’s all. Just lunch. Okay, here’s mine: Just lunch, and a blowjob. See how much funner it is to say? It’s almost like there’s a clown there. [silly voice] “Just lunch and a blowjob!” Lady in the first show goes, “What’s in it for the woman?” I’m like, “Lunch.” [high-pitched] It’s just lunch. My doctor the other day said, “Ron, you cannot gain any more weight,” and I said, “That’s what I thought.” My wife’s on my ass about me taking better care of myself. She bought me a bicycle, thinking I might ride it. It’s for sale. And if you’re looking for a bicycle, it’s a great deal. It’s got 750 yards on it. It was a demo when I bought it, had 350 yards already on it, but I put the other 400 yards on it myself. And if you’d like to buy the bicycle, just go to my house in Beverly Hills, and it’s 400 yards from there. Fuck it. I’ll walk back. I think, at 61 years old, my best fucking days are behind me, ’cause it wasn’t that long ago that I could make my wife scream and now she makes any noise at all, it’s to go, “Do you need to take a little break or…? You look like you just ate a ghost pepper.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m better at oral sex than I’ve ever been and I think it’s just because I’m older and I’m just more patient than I was when I was young, because… ’cause now I’ll lay there for hours and let you do your thing. I… I got nowhere to be. My friend told me the other day that he wouldn’t give his wife head unless she just came out of the shower, and I told him I’ll give my wife head if she just came out of the gym. ‘Cause I don’t care if she’s a little salty. In fact, if she’s too clean, I salt her. I do. I keep a salt shaker by the side of the bed. When she looks the other way, I just grab it. I think it brings out the flavor. I really do. I really do. In the summer, I keep a bowl of limes right next to the salt shaker, and I’ll just get a lime, squirt a little lime juice in there, little bit of salt, hunker down, do some pussy shots. That’s what I do. Do not try that at home. I got like 20 tweets from one guy, going, “My wife’s pussy was burning like…” No, you didn’t. You fucking idiot. No, you fucking didn’t. You went to one of my shows, you– She let you! You and her were standing in the kitchen and looked at that lime. You can’t fix stupid. [cheering and applause] [whistling] I’m on break. Sorry. Cheers, this is just special, right here. You guys are amazing. Thanks a lot. [whooping] Um… The other day, um… Jeff… Jeff Foxworthy and I were… Jeff has a special on Sirius called The Comic’s Mind, and he’d been talking to me about doing it. And we decided on a date that we would do it, and we decided to do it from the Punchline here in Atlanta in front of a live crowd, and it was really fun. And it really reminded Jeff and I of how much fun we have on stage together and how much we like to play off each other. And before the thing started, I had my tour bus up there, Jeff and I are sitting on my tour bus and this Golden Corral commercial comes on television, which is where Jeff works now. And I double snotted my own fucking television. It was so fucking funny. I’m like, “Really? Golden Corral? What kind of balls does it take to put the word ‘corral’ on the name of your fucking restaurant?” Boy, do they know that demographic! Come on down to the Golden Corral. [mooing] Welcome to our giant all-you-can-eat food trough. [mooing] We have a chocolate waterfall and a cotton candy machine. [bleating] I can’t wait till they go hog-wild and just put a sugar lick right there in the middle of the fucking room. That’s delicious. That little spot tastes like Skittles. “Get too fat at the Golden Corral, go to the Dress Barn.” That’s insensitive right there. “Get a dress the size of a fucking barn and come on back to the Golden Corral.” [mooing] They call it Golden Corral, of course, because somebody was already using the name “Ye Olde Fat Fuckery”. My cousin Ray, who I’ve talked about on stage before, he’s a real guy, he only eats at the Golden Corral because my cousin Ray only dates… huge women. That’s his deal. Always has been. He likes them big big. Not plump girls, not fat girls. Great big, old big ‘uns. Great big old, big old, big ‘uns. Big old round ‘uns, big old… muumuu and 400-plus, great big old big ‘uns. And he said that the Golden Corral’s the best place to find these people ’cause he says that’s where the really big girls like to winter. He didn’t say that. He brought one to Vegas last year, and I saw her by the swimming pool in a two-piece bathing suit, and I can’t jack the fucking memory out of my goddamn skull. Looked like somebody had stretched a rubber band over a gigantic hall of fucking… Let me try that again. [audience whooping] Looked like somebody had stretched a… Looked like somebody had stretched a rubber band over a gigantic head of cauliflower. [cheering and applause] And I was like, “Goddamn, Ray!” He said, “Well, she’s had three kids.” I’m like, “What, for lunch? Fuck, dude. You got to quit eating them babies, ma’am. Put down that ketchup and drop that toddler. Eat this baby goose pussy lip taco.” Back in 1996, my dear friend Jeff Foxworthy became the biggest comedian that ever lived. I don’t know if you know. Jeff sold more comedy albums than Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby combined. Over 15 million albums, not including the millions and millions of Blue Collar albums you guys bought. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. [cheering and applause] When Jeff got big enough to take somebody with him, he took me with him, which was an amazingly gracious thing for Jeff to do for me. He always believed in my talent, but not my work ethic. And it was his goal for a lot of years to make me a famous comedian, and he truly sucks at it, ’cause it took him for fuckin’ ever. I don’t mean to seem ungrateful, but I got shit to do, Jeff. First big gig we did together was the first week in December 1996 at the MGM Grand in Vegas. And You Might Be A Redneck had been the number one-selling comedy album in the country for a year and a half. It’s still the number one-selling comedy album of all time, and, uh… Jeff had been my friend for ten years, and suddenly, kaboom, he’s the biggest comedian in the world. His face is plastered all over Vegas and we are having a fucking blast. We have an all-access pass to Las Vegas, which is way better than the no-access pass we had right before that. Well, that same year my dear friend Bill Engvall, the dancer… People ask me all the time, “Do you think you’ll ever do Dancing With The Stars?” I’m like, “Not unless something goes horribly fucking wrong.” Well, that year, Bill was touring with Reba McEntire. The same week we were at the MGM Grand, they were at Caesars Palace, and that same weekend, Larry The Cable Guy was at the International House of Pancakes in Tucson, Arizona. Just getting her done, and… He wasn’t there, but the three of us were. And I was there with a woman I couldn’t stand… eventually. Now she was beautiful, beautiful. She was beautiful. 40 years old, never been married, which makes you a little suspicious. ‘Cause usually if a woman is that beautiful at 40 and never been married, either they give horrible head or they’re completely insane. And three hours after I met this chick, I’m laying on my back going, [tightly] “This bitch is crazy.” And I was right. But I took her to Vegas. Well, Bill’s doing one show at the big Forum down at Caesars, and we’re doing three shows a night in a smaller room. So when Bill gets finished, he comes down and does a set with us and when we get done with our shows, Bill and Jeff wanna go drinking and gambling, and I want to go to a prayer meeting and a poetry reading that I’d heard about. But they keep hounding me till I say, “Yeah, fuck it, let’s go.” But I didn’t want her to go. She was trash drunk on red wine. [whispering] Charming. Charming. I said, “Let me go talk to her,” so I go up to the room. I go, “I know it’s our first night in town but I’m gonna go drinking with the boys,” and she goes, [slurring] “Fine, just leave me in a hotel room by myself?” I’m like, “You’re starting to get it.” And we go out that night, it was one of the funnest nights of my life, uh… We had been friends for ten years, so we were young comics together, and that’s what we used to talk about as young comics. We would sit around, drink, and… and talk about maybe one day, you know? Maybe one day we’ll be the big comics in Vegas, and our names will be on those big fucking signs. That’s something we dreamed about and it fucking happened. And that was the first time all three of us had our names on big signs in Vegas, and we went outside to look at it, and I was like, “Fuck, now what? Jeff? Any ideas?” Anyway, it gets to be 5:30 in the morning. We decided to break it up, and Vegas will make you horny if you let it. I go back up to the room and she’s passed out, in this negligee, and she’s fucking gorgeous. But I know if I wake her up trying to have sex with her, she’ll hit me in the face with a bucket of nickels I just spotted on the nightstand. And I don’t need a new mugshot ’cause my last one was so good. Is that Glen Campbell or Nick Nolte? No, that’s our boy Tater Salad, is who that is. [cheering] So I decide, “Well, I’ll just do it myself,” so I rummage around in the dark, find some lotion, cut to the next morning. I’m sure you’re grateful. I wake up the next morning with this shit hangover, and she’s already making coffee, and I wake up and she goes, “What’s wrong with your hand?” My hand is dark orange. Bain de Soleil sunless tanning lotion… for dark skin only, and apparently I was getting down, ’cause it was on my nipples and the inside of my thigh. Thanks for playing along. I hope you guys enjoyed it. That’s it for tonight. Thank you very much. [country rock music]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed (1998) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jeff-foxworthy-totally-committed-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff Foxworthy! Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to be back in Cincinnati! Special city special night special boots I bought new boots for the show. Can you see those? [applause from the audience] Blue stingray boots. Boots that make a statement. And that statement is… you can’t give rednecks money. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s the kind of thing we do with it. Open up a savings account? Hell no! Go buy some blue stingray boots! [laughter] A couple of weeks ago I was playing at a casino in Mississippi—which by the way is the only place in America where you can shoot craps and doves within 10 feet of each other—and I was standing off the side of the stage in one of the states handsome man with in boots made out of I said their stingray he said or they waterproof? now he Dre on that chili came about it now without all these in our five blue stingray boots I wore them out of the store. See, that’s another big redneck trait. We buy something, we’re going to wear it within twenty-four hours. [laughter] Just because you see a redneck walk out of a store without a bag doesn’t mean we didn’t make a purchase. [laughter] “You didn’t get nothin’?” “No, I got some underwear, I just put it on in the store.” [laughter] But I have always admitted to being a redneck. To me, the definition of redneck is “a glorious absence of sophistication”. And it can be temporary or it can be permanent, but most of us are guilty of it, at least from time to time. Then, not long ago, I was reading this magazine article where somebody claimed that there was a shortage of sophisticated people in this country. Which I took to mean there was an abundance of people like me. [laughter] And I started thinking about the differences, and they are vast, y’all. Like, sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest our money in commemorative plates. [laughter] “Yeah, that’s the legends of NASCAR series right there.” [cheers and applause] “This is probably our personal favorite: Richard Petty huggin’ his momma. I can’t hardly look at it without cryin’.” [laughter] “Of course, that’s Dale Earnhardt. He wasn’t in a wreck or nothin’, that’s just some ketchup on his forehead.” [cheers and applause] See, rednecks think “mutual funds” means everybody’s having a good time. [laughter] Sophisticated people have retirement plans. Rednecks play the lottery. [laughter] That’s our plan. “And when we hit the Pick Six, we’re going to add a room onto the trailer so we don’t have to sleep with Jim’s daddy no more.” [laughter] Sophisticated people go to art auctions. Rednecks? We have yard sales. [laughter] And the difference is at art auctions, the sale price is slowly working its way *up*. Not at a yard sale. In fact, you got enough patience, you can get a house full of furniture for a buck twenty-five. [laughter] I love yard sales. My wife and I get up early on the weekends, trying to beat other people to this stuff. [laughter] These people are selling junk out of their garage they don’t want, we dig through it like we’re going to find priceless treaures. [laughter] “Excuse me, what are these right here?” Oh, those? Those are Tupperware lids that have been warped in the dishwasher. Eight for a dime. [laughter] [scoffing] “What the hell are we gonna do with warped Tupperware lids?” [pause] “Give you a nickel for ’em.” [laughter] “We don’t really want ’em, we just need some stuff for the yard sale we’re having next weekend.” [laughter] Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations. Rednecks go to restaurants that require we drive around to the second window, please. “Hey, listen, could you supersize the fries for the little woman? It’s our anniversary.” [laughter] And not only am I a redneck, I’m married into rednecks. All my wife’s family is from Louisiana. That’s a special breed of redneck down there. That’s rednecks with hot sauce on ’em. [laughter] And Louisiana has, guarantee you, the best food on this planet as long as you don’t ask too many questions about what you’re eating. [laughter] I’ve seen her relatives hit boiling pots with wooden spoons going “get back in there!” [laughter] “Get back in that pot right there now!” Remember a couple of months ago when they had all the floods in Louisiana? My wife and I were watching this on CNN, and I told her, I said “you watch. They’re going to find the biggest, stupidest idiot they can find in the whole state, and they’re going to show him walking chest deep in water down main street.” [laughter] And they did. [laughter] And it was my wife’s cousin Danny. [laughter] Walking chest deep in water, holding an umbrella. I was just looking at her going “that’s got to make you proud right there, doesn’t it? That’s your bloodline walking down the street.” [laughter] Then it started making me worry, ’cause I realized it was my children’s bloodline, too. [laughter] Speaking of offspring, I have two little girls that I am very proud of. I love those little girls. And I am amazed at how smart they are. My oldest one, on her fifth birthday, got a computer. Not only got a computer, can use it! Do you remember what we got when we turned five? That little wooden paddle with the rubber band and the red ball on the end of it? That was a brain builder, wasn’t it? [mimicking using a paddle ball, running around the stage] One, two, three, four! One, two, three! One, two! You’d play with it about five times, the rubber band would snap, the ball would fly across the room, break something, and you’d get a spanking with the paddle! No wonder we turned out this way! And nowadays you can’t even spank your kids! Now gotta give him a timeout. Yeah, my dad would take time out of his busy day to whip our ass! You bet my dad would touch his belt buckle, whip it out through a plate-glass window. “I’m just kidding, y’all get back in the house. Come on in here now, I was playing with you come on!” But I am amazed at how smart my kids are, and how dumb I am. I am thirty-nine years old; I thought I would be smarter than this at this point in my life. I really did. And I know that I ought to be working on it, I ought to be watching the news and things, but the truth is the news has become so depressing, I can’t hardly look at it any more. And it’s gotten to the point that if it doesn’t happen to Americans, I don’t worry about it too much. The other night, I was watching the news and it said this bus in Pakistan went over a cliff carrying three hundred people, and I was “Good Lord!” [pause] “How do you get three hundred people on a bus?” [laughter] “Somebody had to be sitting on the lap on that thing!” Once it becomes a physics problem, it takes a little bit of the emotional sting out of it.  But the things that I’m talking about not knowing, they’re not mysteries of the universe; it’s just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine. Hell, I don’t even know how Jell-O works. [laughter] Let me tell you what I’m talking about. Any other liquid that you put into the refrigerator or the freezer, and it turns into a solid; if you take it back out, it will go back to a liquid. Not Jell-O. Once Jell-O becomes… [wobbles his hands] …Jell-O, it is Jell-O for eternity! The only possible way to turn it back into a liquid is to put it in your mouth and go… [makes sucking noises; cheers from the audience] I feel so much better knowing so many of you know what I’m talking about. Actually, I told that joke the other night, and a woman in the front row went, “It will go back to a liquid if you put in the microwave.” [bewildered look] How do you acquire this knowledge? You sittin’ around with friends eating Jell-O, and one of them says “Oh, this Jell-O is good,” and she says, “Oh, if you think it’s good cold, you ought to put it in the microwave.” This woman is out driving tonight! That scares the hell out of me! I still don’t know how they know how long to make the cord for the first bungee jump at a new place. “All right… let him jump! All right… shorten it up a little bit! Hey, and give his girlfriend a free t-shirt!” I still don’t know why my dentist makes me lie to him. I went to the dentist a few weeks ago, he’s looking in my mouth, he said “You haven’t been flossing every day have you?” I said “No, not every day! Let’s see… the last time I flossed… you did it!” I still don’t know how come you always lose expensive sunglasses. [laughter and applause] You pay a lot of money for a pair of sunglasses, those things will disappear quicker than a pizza at a Weight Watchers convention. [laughter] And you buy a pair of cheapos, you cannot get rid of them. I am convinced, you could be on a cruise in the middle of the ocean wearing a pair of cheapos, and if you looked over the side of the boat and they fell into the water, a SCUBA diver would pop up going “someone lose a pair of glasses up there?” [laughter] “Found a pair of cheapos floating to the bottom!” But you always lose expensive sunglasses and the cases that cassette tapes come in. [laughter and appluase] I know that when I bought them, every cassette that I had had a case. Now, I’ve got five hundred tapes, three cases. And whoever’s stealing my good sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. [laughter] ‘Cause I’ve got keys. I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned! [laughter] You put all my keys together, I could be a high school janitor tonight. And talking about losing stuff actually, I think it’s very big of me, as a man, to admit that I do lose things. ‘Cause you know what men normally say. “Somebody stole it.” I do that a lot. Walk around the house, “somebody stole the remote control!” [laughter] My wife’s like “that’s right, Jeff. Somebody broke into our home, passed up the jewelry, and stole your remote control. Not only that, but they got the case to the Doobie Brothers cassette. We’re wiped out.” [laughter] Of course, she’s not much better. You know what she bought me for Christmas this year? A portable safe! [laughter] [like a product advertisement] “To save thieves the hassle of gathering up your belongings, it’s the portable safe! With an easy tote handle so they can take it back to the thieves’ den and figure out the combination at their leisure. The portable safe, by RonCo.” [laughter] And talking about losing things, I loved this one when somebody loses him you ask him later did they find it, and they say “yeah” and they go “it was in the last place I looked.” Oh, d’oooh. Sure hell I hope so! “Terry, di you find your wallet?” “Yeah, but I’m still looking for it… just in case we’re living in a parallel universe or something.” I still don’t know how come my daughters only pull their dresses over the top of their heads when I introduce them to somebody important to me. [laughter] “Girls, say hello to Reverend Leonard.” [pantomimes his daughters pulling their dresses up] “HI!” [laughter] “So, how do you like the Beauty and the Beast panties there? Sharp, aren’t they?” [laughter] “Yeah, they’ve got Snow White back at the house. Me? I’m wearing Lion King. Roar.” [laughter] I still don’t know how much is the appropriate amount for a urine sample. [laughter] Why won’t they just put a line on that cup? [laughter] Every time I’m at the doctor, I’m in the bathroom for twenty or thirty minutes having an argument with myself. [laughter] “Oh, that’s too much.” [laughter] “I take that out there, they’re just going to start laughing.” [laughter] “Tell you what, I am pouring a little bit of that back.” [pantomimes doing so] “Uh oh.” [laughter] “See, I’ll bet I’ll need more than that.” [laughter] “All right, I’ll top that off.” [laughter] And you’re never confident with what you take them, because you either taken the one with four or five drops in the bottom and the other one that looks like a cold frosty beer. “There you go ladies, first rounds on me! If you wanna another one, I’ll be in my underwear sitting on the table with a paper on it.” A lot of things I don’t know… few things I do know. I do know that I’m a very lucky man. I just celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary with my wonderful wife. I am totally committed to this woman. [Applause] Some people say why totally committed? and I said well you said those dead possums in the middle of the road? They were partially committed! I tell you what, marriage is one of those games nothing in life prepares you to be married he kind of learn as you go and and you’re gonna goof up you just hope you avoid the big goof ups. Tell you what I mean by being not long ago I was watching this thing on one of those 20/20 Dateline something like that it said coming up the story of a man that was married for 23 years to someone he thought was a woman, only to recently discover they were in fact another man. When we return this gentleman talks about his mistake. I’m sitting there going, “mistake?” We’ve all made mistakes. You forget to rewind the videotape before you take it back to Blockbuster, that’s a mistake! But you married for 23 years to somebody you think is a woman and they end up being a man, you have ski that old past mistake! You have slammed head-on into faux pas. 23 years just seems like there to been some kind of clue along the way doesn’t it? “Caroline, you need to lift the him out of that skirt, you wainy’s showing!” That’s clue! There always not well in the Kingdom. That’s a clue! So thankfully I have aborted the big mistakes and hopefully I’ve learned from my other ones. Like I know early on in our marriage when my wife would say to me “We Need to Talk.” I would make the mistake of talking and every time I would talk I would get my butt in more and more trouble now after 13 years I have learned when she says to me we need to talk I handle it the exact same way I do when a police officer walks up to my car window I look straight ahead I get short yes or no answers until I find out what I’m being accused of cuz there is no sense in pleading guilty to a crime they don’t know about yet. somewhere along the way I learned honesty is not always the best policy. One night my wife and I were watching that movie Steel Magnolias and it gets to the part where Julia Roberts dies and my wife is crying I mean serious crying tearing up a box of Kleenex crying that kind of crime that doesn’t even make noise just it and I’m sitting there staring at it trying to figure out how much is the proper amount of grieving time till I can switch over to SportsCenter and she says to me “Don’t you think this is sad?” I thought yeah it’s sad if I was married to Julia Roberts as she died I’d be crying too that’s first thing I thought not the first thing I said just the first thing I thought and then she looked at me and she said “If I ever died would you get remarried?” no can do after being married to you no other woman could ever come close you ever have that dream when you’re taking a test you haven’t studied for promise me you’ll get remarried!” “Are you teasing?” no I want the sake of our children you will get remarried okay but just for the sake of the children hey you don’t think the kids mind having a young stepmom with some big ol hootings bed come on she like had not studied for that particular test. Early in our relationship if my wife and I would be in the same room together for a half hour and she wouldn’t say a word to me I would look at her and go “What’s wrong?” hoping that it was something other than me now I have learned if we’re in the same room for a half hour together she doesn’t say a word to me it’s me they’ll just go up there I go baby I realized that I’ll have done or said something really stupid and insensitive and while I don’t yet know what it is I would like the chance to go up in my room and think about it for a little bit. you just have to learn the rules in rule number one if she ain’t happy… you ain’t happy. Doesn’t make it less true. And if she ain’t happy long enough you’re gonna be unhappy with half your stuff. See, I learned women are complicated creatures and once I understood that it made everything a lot easier for me but I have found that because women are complicated they like to think men are complicated – I’ve heard women talking with each other oh I wish I knew what he was really thinking. Well, I’d like to know what he’s really thinking well ladies tonight I will tell you what we’re really thinking we are really thinking I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked. That’s it! I wish it was deeper than that… it’s not! From the age of 15 to the grave that’s it not like a beer and I’d like to see something naked you go to a nursing home you see a 90 year old man going down the hall on a walker that’s what he’s thinking. And I do believe women understand men better than men understand women what do you think? do you see a man stopped out of the room crying and a woman gone what yeah But if women understand men better it’s because they study us if you ever seen women’s magazines and the articles on them it’s always things like how to get a good man how to get rid of a bad man. How to turn a bad man in do good man.Never look at magazines nothing but pictures of naked women! I do believe men would take advice on relationships, but we’re not going to read a magazine article about it. You’ve got to give it to us in some form where we’d accept it. You know, sneak it into the play-by-play at ball games. “And there’s strike three, Greg Maddux really looking good today. And speaking of looking good, fellas, from time to time your woman needs to be reminded that she’s still looking good to you.” [laughter, as Jeff pantomimes the “lightbulb over the head” look] “Hey, baby? Have I told you lately you are as pretty as Greg Maddux?” [laughter] “Baby?” I love reading women’s magazines, I always feel like I’m spying on the enemy. I was reading one on the on the plane ride up here and there was this thing in there were these women nationwide had sent in their responses to the survey and one of the questions was– they were asked to name their number one type of fantasy man and you know what the number one answer was, a dangerous man. I see I thought about that I think what that when they wrote that and they must have been thinking about someone like James Bond or something. Now that’s why it’s a fantasy because in reality when you get a dangerous man you’re on an episode of cops in a tube top hanging out a trailer door going. You better not touch my cigarettes woman you hear me. fantasy reality I will say this in 13 years my wife and I have created a beautiful home together. By that I mean she created it and we’re together basically we do have a beautiful home and it’s all my wife’s do and everything in it she went out found it she bought it she brought it home. I’m the mule. She’ll come home and she says “There’s a grandfather clock in the back of the truck.” I’m like “Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw!” People go through our house and go, “Oh, it’s a beautiful table, is that rosewood?” I go “I don’t know but it’s heavy as hell, let me tell you! I like, killed myself getting that in here!” But because my wife has created this wonderful home, there’s something within me– as a man of the family, I do feel like I have to protect the place. That’s just a male instinct. We always feel like we’ve got to protect our stuff. Even if it’s not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. [laughter] But since the beginning of time men have always felt like we had to defend the cave. Whenever you go out look at a new place to live women walk through it going “Wonder what kind of wallpaper I’m gonna put in here.” Men are like “Somebody’s gonna try to get in that window, I guarantee you.” That’s the way we think, isn’t it guys? Even down to the yards. There are a lot of different theories on this one. Lots of guys like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open, you know. “I say let the grass grow tall so they don’t know there’s a house behind it.” Some call it lazy, I say it’s thinking. Put yourself into the into the mind of a thief: say you come up on two houses and one of them has a manicured lawn with daisies growing in the flowerpot, you might be thinking “Well, that’s easy pickings.” But, you come up on a house where the grass is this tall [about three feet] and there’s a dog chained to the clothesline and a motor swinging in the tree… buddy, that’s a house where a GUN lives! And if you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark. And trust me I am not insinuating women cannot take care of themselves. I know in 1998 you can. Matter of fact, you probably lot rather deal with me than my wife. ‘Cause you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling why she shot you. [in one breath and at an increasing pace] “I shot you for coming through the window like that. You know, you ought to get a job like the rest of us. I was up at five forty-five this morning. I had to make lunch for the kids, and then I had to take them to school, then I had to go to work myself. At lunch hour, I had to go get my driver’s license renewed, then I had to stop by the grocery store on the way home. Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? If you bleed on my rug, I’m gonna shoot you again.” [laughter] I will say this about my wife, though. That she is secure enough in her masculinity… but if there is a noise in our house in the middle of the night, she still lets me go check it out. In this age of equality I’m pretty sure that’s happening worldwide. Not too often you gonna see “Phyllis, go downstairs and see what that noise was… and bring me back a piece of chicken, okay? Have I told you lately, you’re as pretty as Greg Maddux Phyllis, you really are.” Now, if there’s a noise in our house in the middle of the night, it’s me checking it out… in my underwear, carrying a baseball bat… because that is the official uniform of suspicious noises, underpants and a baseball bat. I don’t know what we’re hoping to find. Some guy in the living room in his underwear with a ball. [laughter] And my dad didn’t really didn’t need to carry the baseball bat. ‘Cause he always wore those big boxer shorts that were gapped open in the front. [laughter] Oh, that gap is like a taser to a buglar. “Oh, shut the gap! Shut the gap!” [takes his wallet out of his back pocket] “Here, take my wallet! Just, please, shut that gap!” [loud whoop from the audience] A lot of ways those guys trying to be protectors. In every house that we’ve ever lived in, I’ve always slept between my wife and the door to our bedroom. I tell her that’s in case anybody gets into our place they have to go through me to get to her. That’s what I tell. Truth is if there’s a fire, I’m getting my ass out there. Well, I have life insurance and I’m not positive she’s gonna wake me up anymore. And life insurance is another form of protection. That’s just kind of a fine line deal, because you want to have enough of it, god forbid you do pass earlier,  every guy I think has a mental image of his family sitting around the table with a turkey leg in each hand going ♪♪ He was a jolly good fellow ♪♪. But you don’t want to have so much insurance that you actually put a bounty on your own head. I don’t want to see my wife down at the hospital going “Pull the plug.” “Mrs. Foxworthy, it’s only a sprained ankle.” “I don’t care, pull the plug. I know him, and he wouldn’t want to limp around like that. Just put him down, go on, put him down.” Guys I always feel like we got to protect the place and maintain the stuff. Bless my wife’s heart she thinks I can fix anything that breaks in our house. Including the cars. I know nothing about cars if you never see my legs sticking out from under a car please god call 9-1-1 because something bad has happened. But if we’re on the road in the car act up I am obligated to pull off to the side and at least act like I know what I’m doing. Might as well be staring into the human brain. “Oh there’s a lot of stuff in here. Alright baby ,try it one time!  Hold on, let me do something. Look at that, I got mustard on my shirt. I always end up taking the car to the shop but I try to do the same thing to them. “Jeff, what happened!” Well we’re just going down the road the stupid car stopped on us that’s strange did you check the alternator yeah yeah looked at it you know look like it was full and saw. Joey, call my wife tell her we’re going.  It doesn’t matter if the car breaks now we never make good time anywhere anyway we never make good time we’re late everywhere we go even to church by the time we get to church I need Church cuz I’ve been yelled at there buddy in the family. We have no idea what happens the first ten minutes of church. I think they’re having a raffle or something cuz when we walk in they’re going hallelu yes I think we could have won something if y’all want to hurry that they say. I actually do know why we’re always late to churches. Because I live with three women and they care a lot about the way they look you can tell that because women in church always look pretty you ever look at the men have that slip in hair with leaves and sticks in it… wearing a sport coat with a cling free on the back of it. And I have learned for my wife looking good takes a little time. I know when we’re preparing to go out for the evening, the four words that I dread hearing the most it’s my wife’s voice coming out of that bathroom, “I HATE my hair!” “Well, I’ll just call them and tell them we ain’t coming tonight…” Never ever do you hear men say “I hate my hair.” ‘Cause as long as it’s still there… we like it! And we are not going to say anything ugly about it that might make it get out and leave! And the older I’ve become, the more I’m convinced men’s hair is not falling out. It is just going in and coming out of the places. Follow me on this. One the other day plucked a nose hair I saw my hairline receipt just a little bit. it’s going in, coming out somewhere else. You ever been on an elevator with an old man that head of yours full of hair he doesn’t either here at baby just needs a haircut. That’s going in and coming out other places. Like eyebrows by the time men are 60 our eyebrows look like a zeliha butcher’s. Cut me Mick I can’t see nothing company. And the older women get the more than our eyebrows just kind of disappear. Everybody’s got that inch you see her every year at the family reunion she doesn’t have my eyebrows anymore she just draws them on every day. Always looks like she’s just seen a rat. You know what I think Simon I think when we’re sleeping women’s eyebrows are jumping off their face running across the bed join in the men’s team that’s what And if men do worry about hair we only worry about the hair on our head. Women worry about every single hair on their body. Before we went on vacation last summer my wife said to me I haven’t got to go get ready for bikini season. Which to me means buying new sunglasses. Well see in 13 years I have learned you can move your eyes just don’t turn your head wives can hear those neck muscles creaking and there’s nothing more embarrassing than watching a girl walk across the front of the pool in her bathing suit and end up face to face with your own wife. Hi listen I was just thinking we ought to ask her to babysit for us tonight that way. You and I could go ahead and have a nice lobster dinner maybe I could buy you some new jewelry you like jewelry don’t y’all buy a lot of jewelry. What my wife meant when she said she needed to get ready for bikini season was that she was about to go have a procedure done to her that is called a bikini wax. And to hear her describe this horror… [laughter] Apparently, she paid somebody. [pause] I repeat: Paid somebody. To pour lava hot scalding wax on her inner thighs. And then the two of them chatted for a little while until the wax had dried, and then the women grabbed the wax and YANKED the hair out. [laughter] If you ever hear of somebody doing this to me, rest assured there was a *gun* to  my head. Because you yank the hair out of my inner thigh, I will tell you where my grandmother hides her money. [laughter] That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard of. We should implement that as a penalty in our judicial system. [laughter] “You’ve been found guilty of breaking and entering. For the next twelve months, you are required to get a bikini wax every two weeks.” No, Your Honor, have mercy on me! “And if I catch you back in here, you’re gonna have to have a butt wax, too.” [laughter] [covering his face in embarrassment] I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from. You guys are going to be in bed tonight, asleep, I’m going to be staring at the ceiling: “Butt wax? [laughs to himself] It’s like something you’d buy in a drug store, doesn’t it? But not an impulse purchase, no. [pause] “Excuse me, what aisle is the butt wax on, please?” Do you want the scented or the unscented butt wax? “I need the unscented. There’s a lot of dogs in our neighborhood.” [laughter] you know that’s just the beginning then you have the leg hair like guys have you ever had your woman take care of razor shave her legs with it then she’ll put it back on the counter you pick up that same razor and shave your face you can’t get the bleeding to stop. It takes a team of trained professionals but you can get the bleeding to stop Lord I don’t know what a woman’s leg hair is made out of, but you get enough of it together you could clean a rusty grill with it. Nothing on this planet feels as good as the personally shaven woman’s legs a few things worse did there’s one that hadn’t met a razor in a while. It actually has a groom to it you know one waist not too bad the other ways severe tire damage. And married men know this that’s because every married man here tonight said this little conversation where he’s lying in bed with his wife Hey Baby you want to fool around “okay but I hadn’t shaved my legs in five days. “That’s okay we just wait.”would you straight well as five women sex with a cactus not that I’ve ever had sex with a cat decide and it’s not just the hair that makes us lay need half the timers the shoes we don’t go out anymore without playing the Flamingo leg game this is the one where she gets dressed puts on two different shoes and goes hon which shoes look better with this? thing are these let’s mess with her I don’t know, do it again. are they do it again. I’ve never been in a hunting camp and see some guys go hey Jerry what do you think hunting bears teen achieves number 10 she’s oh no Ted do it again. and if she has a hard time choosing this problem because she got so many shoes to choose from. I only had like 10 pairs of shoes and every pair I’ve got has a function I have cowboy boots I’ve got work boots, I’ve got running shoes. My wife has 50 pairs of high heels and we all know the function of a pair of high heels make your legs and butt look good. Women aren’t wearing these things because they’re comfortable that’s why they wear because you put your heels up in the air and walk you can’t walk but one way you take the biggest burliest truck driver in America put him in a pair of high heels that’s way he’d walk Tom get me a slim jim and a coke ol alright my shipment showing is it I hope not and the reason women care about how their legs in but look is because men care about how women’s legs are but look men aren’t worrying about the way our own butts look he’ll most men aren’t aware in the fact that we have a butt until it starts itching and then this bit on where the fact that scratching it in public might be offensive to somebody mr. president hey that has got to be the number one form of birth control on the planet scratching your butt don’t believe you guys next time you’re in a bar trying to pick up a girl while you’re scratching your ear and I hear sweet things you want a name stuck-up and men really ought to keep her hands off her Aryans we should because we’re scratching them all away we are causing our own butt erosion have you ever seen an old man’s butt no you have not they don’t have one anymore they stretched it all looks like you made a frog stand up and put on a pair of double knit pants that’s why when old men sit down they tug their trousers is just trying to put some cotton under that butt bone back here no there’s probably a lot of single people here tonight there’s  [to the single people in the audience] I know you’re probably saying “well, we’ve talked a lot about getting married, none of this applies to me. I’m not ever getting married. Nope, not the kid. I’m just gonna date, date, date, date, date, date, die. [whoops and hollers] Yeah, well that’s what we all thought. Then you wake up one morning, you’re staring at a mortgage, two kids, and a mini van going “How’d the hell this happen?” [laughter] “I was just trying to get laid!” Well, that’s how it happens! Because when you’re single so much of the focus on relationships is on the physical end of it I know single guys that can take anything a woman says and turn it into a sexual innuendo. You could have a group of people, and the woman could go “you know, I need to get my tires rotated.” And I know single guys that are thinking “yeah, I’d like to rotate her tires.” [laughter] Whereas married men are going “you need to get your tires rotated? I know a place right down the street that does it. They’re fast, they’re cheap, as a matter of fact, I think I’ve got a coupon for ’em here in my wallet.” [pulls his wallet out of his pocket] “Yes, sir. There it is, right where my condom used to be.” [laughter] see and I lost the billion single I just don’t think I’d want to be single again I mean for one thing when you’re with somebody new all the time you run the risk of culling them by the wrong name hey Sara I always thinking didn’t you just call me Sara no I said Sara beer in the frigerator I really want to say I tell you what I wouldn’t want to have to take my clothes off in front of somebody new comes back when I was 20 years old and I had to take my clothes off in front of somebody I’d actually leave the light on and strut a little bit not anymore let me tell you gravity is doing its damage I had to take my clothes off and from somebody knew that light would be off and I’d be going across the room like I was being shot at I’d be I do like the permanency of marriage. I never did like breaking up with people. And I guess everybody here has broken up with somebody. We’ve all heard the break up lines, there’s a million of ’em. I was picking out a few of my favorites, like “I need some space.” [applause] Which is half a sentence. The rest of it is “without you in it.” [laughter] I think my all-time favorite: “I think we should start seeing other people.” [applause] Trust me, nobody has ever said that one to you without having somebody else in mind. [laughter] Guys, if a woman says to you “I think we should start seeing other people,” trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain’t ridin’ him yet, she *has* pulled the saddle out of the barn. [laughter and applause]  now [about sex] Some people say “you know, sexually, it’s more exciting when you’re single.” I don’t know about that. You ever try to have sex with two little kids in the same house? [laughter] My wife and I put our kids to bed, we’re running down the hall like we’re hitting the beaches at Normandy. [laughter] [as himself] “Go baby, go baby, go baby, go baby!” [as one of his daughters] “DADDY!” [as himself, pretending as if he’s been shot] “Ah, they got me!” [laughter] “Start without me!” Some people will say well you know sexually it’s more exciting when you’re single I don’t know about that you tried to have sex with two little kids in the same house my wife and I put our kids to bed we’re running down the hall pulling off clothes like we’re hitting the beach at Normandy go baby go they got me and if it is more exciting being single it’s not without a price because the sexual playground is really dangerous today being married feel It’s like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day. And besides married people will tell you you don’t get married to get sex get married to get sex it’s like buying a 747 to get free peanuts will the boy you watch peanuts there’s a lot more closed efficient ways to get them it it is true things aren’t gonna cool off a little bit I got an Uncle Fred and that Doris they’ve been married 52 years and a fair sweat in the back of a car it’s because somebody locked them in the truck but think for a minute there are advantages to having the same partner over a long period of time I mean for one thing you kind of learn what your partner wants and what they like and what they need when you’re with somebody new all the time you don’t have a clue it’s like playing pin the tail on the donkey blindfold it go a little bit to the left none of the other laughs you’re not even in the same room are you trying see after 13 years I know the combination of my wife’s a 13 to the left 18 to the right 9 to the left you’re welcome baby jingyan all that work on your technique it really should because that’s the only part of the whole thing you have any control over the rest of it you’re just playing with what the good Lord doubts you and whoever said all men are created equal has never been in a locker room I’ll tell you that and women think they have a handle on this when I’ve heard you talk well if he’s got big feet then you know or if he’s got big hands or if he’s got a big nose if he’s got big ears well let me tell you something he better be packing because that’s one goofy looking they’re as silly as it seems guys still worry about this stuff and women bless your heart you’re always trying to make us feel better oh honey it’s not the size of the ship it is the motion of the ocean well that may be true but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat speaking of time y’all to learn to take your time because when it comes to matters like this I have felt water kind of like diesel engines you know they take a little bit to get them going but once you do they can run along I don’t know what that sleeping happens but it does there is some kind of energy transfer taking place in this act because when we get through my wife can jump up out of bed run in the kitchen make a sandwich vacuum the living room clean out the garage you might as well put crime scene tape around me cuz I ain’t moving one time I tried to get out to go get a glass of water I look like a newborn giraffe or one of those wild animal show. EXTRAS When my wife first discovered she was pregnant with our first child, she starting worrying about this little baby growing inside of her. Well, I didn’t have any baby growing inside of me, I had to worry about something. I started worrying about how we were going to pay for all of this. [laughter] Overnight, I became my own father. Just stalking through the house turning off lights. [laughter and applause] “Anybody in this room? Anybody going *through* this room? We’re lighting up the neighborhood here, people! Listen, I’ve got a 75 watter in here, but I can drop her down to a 15 if we can’t handle the responsibility!” [laughter] By the time my second child was born, I was standing outside the house staring at the meter going “turn something off! This thing is spinning like a top, turn something off! You people are killing me! Unplug something!” [laughter] * * * [during the “You Might Be a Redneck If…” encore] If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. [laughter and disgusted moans] Let me give you a little background on that one. I am doing a radio show in Dallas, Texas, and a woman called that one in. And I just started laughing; I said “you know what makes this funny is I know you’re not making it up.” You know she walked into the bathroom one day, looked at her husband and said “what are you doing?” [laughter] “Well, I am scratching my back. What does it look like?” * * * Sophisticated people play chess. Rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap. [laughter] “Pop, pop, pop. Poppoppoppoppop.” [laughter] “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Joe. Let the kids play with it a while. You’re gonna be late to work.” [laughter]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/adam-sandler-100-fresh-transcript/

[man] Okay, ready, and… Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan! [piano plays] ♪ It was the perfect day ♪ ♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪ ♪ You were my only way ♪ ♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪ ♪ We were walkin’ and talkin’ And jammin’ and jawin’ ♪ ♪ It was you and me against the world ♪ ♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you didn’t hear it comin’ ♪ [laughter] [cheering] Fuck those cars. You should… [cheers and applause] I have one. I have an electric car. But at least I have the decency when I’m driving, to put my head out the window and go, “Here comes the Sandman.” [laughter] “Sandman coming. Watch out.” How about those Tesla’s now driving themselves? Those Teslas, that’s pretty cool. They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man. I got in an accident with a Tesla and nobody was in there, and I didn’t know who to exchange the information with… and I started screaming, “Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?” And the Tesla’s, you know, fucking windshield wipers are flappin’ about. And I was like, “What the fuck does that mean? You did it.” And its fucking lights are going on and off. Like it’s saying, “Okay. All right.” And, uh… Then we go to court and I’m like, “I’m going to fucking destroy this thing.” And then the Tesla shows up in a neck brace, and I say, “Oh, give me a fucking break. What a liar. He’s a fucking liar.” [piano plays] ♪ Oh, Grandma’s roommate ♪ ♪ Why do you talk so much? ♪ [laughter] ♪ Don’t you know I came to the nursing home ♪ ♪ To see my grandma ♪ [laughter] ♪ I just said hello ♪ ♪ To be polite ♪ [laughter] ♪ Now you’re telling me That my grandma was rude ♪ ♪ ‘Cause she didn’t share ♪ ♪ Her unsugared candy ♪ [laughter] ♪ Well, I guess that calls For a death pillow over your face ♪ [laughter] You ever go over to somebody’s house and, uh… you ring the doorbell and the guy answers, and he says, “Hey, take your shoes off”? And then you go, “Oh, God. Okay.” And then he goes, “Hey, take your socks off.” And you’re like, “Take my socks off?” And then he goes, “Roll up your pants.” You’re like, “Roll my pants up?” He puts some grapes down, and goes, “Start stomping the grapes.” You’re like, “What the fuck are we doing?” He’s like, “Making the wine!” “You make me the wine.” [laughter] [guitar strums] ♪ Oh, no ♪ ♪ Oh, no ♪ ♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪ ♪ Oh, no ♪ ♪ God no ♪ ♪ My mother’s friend has a son Who just moved to Hollywood ♪ ♪ And she asked me to help him ♪ [laughter and applause] My wife’s always putting lotion on my face. Don’t you put a lot of lotion on your face out here in LA? My wife fucking really lathers on the lotion. She always says she’s looking out for me. She just puts a lot of lotion. Like, there’s too much. Doesn’t rub it in either. She just puts it on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose… Then I found out, before me, my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie. And I was like… [laughter] She still likes him. She still likes him. I know she does. [piano plays] I don’t give a shit. [laughter] ♪ Daddy shaved his beard today ♪ ♪ Mustache and sideburns went away ♪ ♪ Daddy’s lips are really small ♪ ♪ Doesn’t have a chin at all ♪ ♪ Daddy made a big mistake ♪ [laughter] My father used to shave… My dad had a beard, and then, literally, every ten years would shave his beard. Like, didn’t ask us, just fucking came out of nowhere, shaved. It was… Any time my father shaved his beard, it was the only time you saw him look vulnerable. When he first came out of the bathroom, he was like… [laughter] I was like, “Dad has dimples?” I didn’t know Dad had dimples.” [laughter] [imitates father] “It’ll grow back.” Why’d you do it? “I don’t know. [laughter] It was… It was itchy.” “It’s been itchy for ten fucking years?” [laughter] I went to my friend’s house and he had a heated toilet seat. I sat on his heated toilet seat. I’ve got to say it made you relax. I went a lot better than I usually go. I came out and said, “I like that heated toilet seat. Where’d you get that?” He goes, “I don’t have a heated toilet seat.” [laughter] You ever walking down the street and you say hi to a baby? And, uh… And the baby goes… [imitates baby speaking gibberish] And you’re going, “Yeah, that’s great.” And then… And the mother goes, “He can say ‘hi’ back.” And you go, “Oh, yeah?” And the kid goes… [speaks gibberish] You go, “There it is.” Then mother goes, “No, he really can say it.” And the kid goes… [speaks gibberish] And you go, “Hey, that was great.” The mother goes, “No, he really can say it.” And the kid goes… [speaks gibberish] And you go, “There it is. That was it, right?” And the mother’s like, “No! Say it. Say hi.” And the kid’s like… [speaks gibberish] And… And then the mother’s like, “What the fuck? Say it! You said it earlier!” And the kid’s like… [speaks gibberish] And you’re like, “Hey, that was a full sentence. That’s better than ‘Hi’.” And the mother’s like, “What the…? I’m so mad at you, baby!” [laughter] And then she like hands you the baby and is like, “I’ve got to walk this off. This is very discouraging for me. He said it earlier!” And you’re holding the baby, like… “Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, ‘Hi’. Come on, you really upset your mother.” And the kid’s looking at you… And you’re like, “Come on, get it out.” It’s gonna make her feel better. And the kid’s like… [speaks gibberish] And you’re like, “You can do it. Come on.” And the kid’s like… [speaking gibberish softly] [whispers] “Help me. [laughter] She… She… She won’t let me get vaccinated.” [laughter] Come on, there’s no proof that that’s good or bad yet. [speaks gibberish] [raspy voice] “I’ve been getting sick a lot.” [laughter] [piano plays] ♪ My hands are shaking ♪ ♪ My heart’s beating fast ♪ ♪ I’m sweating through my cheap suit ♪ ♪ How much longer can it last? ♪ ♪ I’m an alcoholic lawyer ♪ ♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪ ♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪ ♪ If I want to make things right ♪ ♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ [cheering] ♪ There’s an innocent man who needs you ♪ ♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪ [cheering] ♪ There’s nothing left to fear ♪ Wait, what day is it? [laughter] Shit. The trial was last week. And he got the chair? [laughter] ♪ Well, let’s have a few whiskey sours In his memory ♪ [cheers and applause] My wife and I, we fool around pretty hardcore. We go at a pretty good. It’s fun. You know, it’s nice. We love each other, and we fucking go pretty hard and… [laughter] It gets crazy. It gets pretty fucking nuts in there because it’s only me and her, nobody else. So, we’re like, “Let’s fucking… Let’s do it all,” you know? We do, uh… We do have a safe word. It’s, “Really?” [laughter] My whole life, I always wanted to be able to do a flip. Wouldn’t that be great? I was always growing up, going, “Man, I’ve got to get a flip going. Everybody will love me if I could just do a flip.” Everybody would be like, “Whoa, did you see the Sandman? He popped out a flip.” I just wanted to be in a fucking Marshalls or something, buying some cheap clothes and going, “Hey, watch this.” Pop a flip and have the fucking lady at the cash register go, “Did you fucking see that kid with the flip?” I’d be like. “Hey, I do it all the time.” But I never got that one down, man. I wish I did. Always I was like… I didn’t know how to fucking practice. That was the problem. I didn’t know how to do my first try. I would always get to right about here, and then go, “Ah, I don’t know. I’m gonna get hurt.” And when I got older, I wanted to learn how to speak fluent Italian too. And I did that. I mastered that. So, I’m in Italy, and I meet the Pope himself, and in fluent Italian, I say to him, “Hey, I love what you’ve done for the Church. I love what you you’re doing for the world. America says, ‘Hello.’ Um… Am I getting into heaven?” And in Italian he says, “Can you do a flip?” And I was like, “Madonne!” [laughter] Shit. Did you ever have a friend who rescues too many animals and, like, never can do anything? “Hey, you want to go out in a couple days?” “Ah, no, my chicken’s eye fell out and I’ve got to paste it back on.” “Oh, okay. That shouldn’t take that long.” “Well, one of the ducks, she isn’t quacking, so… [laughter] I’ve got to look… [laughs] I’ve got to look into that.” Okay. [laughs] Dling! By the way, I never met this man. [laughter] Uh, this one is kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune. Kind of a… You like the Bee Gees out there? – I always liked the Bee Gees. – [cheering] ♪ Slow ♪ ♪ Slow ♪ ♪ Slow ♪ ♪ Slow ♪ ♪ Slow ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Slow ♪ ♪ Slow ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Slow, slow ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Slow, slow ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪ ♪ I’m the slow motion man ♪ ♪ In the crosswalk ♪ [laughter] ♪ Walking just as slow as I can ♪ [laughter] ♪ Holding up the traffic ♪ ♪ As I walk across the street ♪ [laughter] ♪ Hardly even seems ♪ ♪ Like I’m picking up my feet ♪ ♪ I’m the slow motion man In the crosswalk ♪ [laughter] ♪ California laws will protect me ♪ [laughter] [applause] ♪ Then an earthquake hits ♪ ♪ And I fall deep in a crack ♪ ♪ And everybody cheers ’cause I’m dead ♪ [laughter] ♪ Slow, slow ♪ ♪ Dying so slow ♪ [laughter] [cheers and applause] Thank you. ♪ Come on, right ♪ ♪ That’s right, feel that shit ♪ ♪ Unh, right ♪ ♪ Come on, Daddy ♪ ♪ Join in on this motherfucker Would you? ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ So, let’s go ♪ ♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ A smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ Yeah, that’s right ♪ ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ He got a free water If you want a drink drink ♪ ♪ You know, what else he got ♪ ♪ He got a stink stink ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ God damn, what the fuck? ♪ ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ Right when I got inside ♪ ♪ I was like, “Uh-oh” ♪ ♪ This Honda Civic smells ♪ ♪ Just like a butthole ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ What the fuck? Now, come on ♪ ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ Locked window ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ He rock the Google Maps ♪ ♪ He rock the window tint ♪ ♪ One thing he doesn’t rock Is that deodorant ♪ ♪ God damn, Speed Stick that shit ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ What the fuck? Come on ♪ ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪ ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ I need the iPhone charged ♪ ♪ I pass the cord back ♪ ♪ And when you take a bath ♪ ♪ Scrub the nutsack ♪ ♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪ ♪ What the fuck? ♪ ♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪ ♪ Common courtesy ♪ ♪ This shit got germs ♪ ♪ I can’t believe the smell ♪ ♪ In these Uber cars ♪ ♪ Oh, wait, I shit my pants ♪ ♪ I’ll give him five stars ♪ ♪ Give him five stars ♪ ♪ Damn ♪ ♪ Give him five stars ♪ ♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪ ♪ Better give him five stars ♪ ♪ Word up, motherfucker, yeah ♪ [cheers and applause] [clears throat] Oh, yes. [piano plays] ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ ♪ Multicolored lolli… ♪ [music skips] What the hell happened? I fucked it up. [piano plays] No! You don’t just start over! You apologize to me! You don’t just do that to the Sandman! [laughter] Okay. Let’s start again. We’ll cut around it. Not yet! [laughter] Hit it! [piano plays] Hoo! Yes, yes, yes. ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ ♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪ ♪ Red attire… ♪ I fucked up. All right, sorry. Fuck that shit! The Sandman don’t fuck up. [laughter] Ooh, from the top. [laughs] [piano plays] ♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪ ♪ Multicolor lollipop Gobstopper never stop ♪ ♪ Reese’s Pieces, Charleston Chew Butterfinger, Snickers too ♪ ♪ Red Atomic Fireball ♪ ♪ I want to eat them all ♪ ♪ Give me a green Jolly Rancher ♪ Let me hear you. [cheering] Let’s go. [sings indistinctly] ♪ Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead ♪ ♪ Cadbury Eggs will hatch ♪ ♪ Kids from the Sourpatch ♪ ♪ Milk Duds and Swedish Fish ♪ ♪ Gummy bears and licorice ♪ ♪ If you got a Kit Kat I would like a taste of that ♪ ♪ The doctor says I got diabetes ♪ [laughter] Thank you. Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think that was better than the first time. Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely. [piano plays] Okay, here comes a song. More dancing. [cheering] ♪ Yeah, let’s hear you, Ohio ♪ ♪ Ohio ♪ Yes, sir. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Should we clap along? [audience claps along] All right, let’s lose that. I hate it. [laughter] Sorry. [laughs] You were right on it. It’s a thing of mine, man. I don’t fucking like that shit. It was startling me. ♪ Well, we all know a guy Who shaves his chest ♪ ♪ We all know a guy Who wears a leather vest ♪ ♪ We all know a guy Who knows a lot about coffee ♪ [laughter] ♪ We all know a stud Who would fight anyone ♪ ♪ We all know a fool Who wears his hair in a bun ♪ ♪ We all know a guy ♪ ♪ Who says he fucked his babysitter When he was 12 ♪ [laughter] ♪ Yeah, we all know a guy Who wears too much cologne ♪ ♪ We all know a guy Who’s better when he’s stoned ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who hugs your wife Five seconds too long ♪ [audience laughs, clapping along] ♪ Well, we all know a guy Who’s starting a band ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who’s missing a hand ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who doesn’t work ♪ ♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪ [laughter] ♪ We all know a guy Who said he almost went pro ♪ ♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who’s dick color Doesn’t match his body ♪ [laughter] ♪ We all know a guy Whose hair always looks wet ♪ ♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪ [laughter] ♪ And we all know a guy With weird allergies ♪ ♪ We all know a guy Who sneezes in threes ♪ ♪ So how come we don’t know ♪ ♪ Who my real father is? ♪ [laughter] No! Thank you. Thank you. [cheers and applause] I’m a triple threat though. You didn’t know I could dance that fucking good. Took many lessons growing up, man. [laughter and cheering] The hula… The hula hoop. Hula hoop, by the way, is very horny looking. When I’m at my fucking kids’ birthday parties and some kid gives me a hula hoop and I’m doing it, I feel so fucking gross. I’m going… [laughter] You see other parents like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] Do you ever play miniature golf with your daughter and you’re tied on the 18th hole? [laughter] And in the middle of her backswing, you just say, “Hey, I tea-bagged your mother this morning.” [laughter] And then… And then the kid sinks the putt and goes, “Yeah, I know, I saw.” [laughter] And you’re like, “This kid stays concentrated.” She’s fucking good. She’s got focus. She could be somebody. [piano plays] Are there married folks out there tonight? Married folks. [cheering] I love it. Okay, this is for you guys. ♪ You tell me I’m wrong ♪ ♪ But I know I’m right ♪ ♪ You say, “No fucking way” ♪ ♪ But I insist that I’m right ♪ ♪ So I pull out my phone ♪ ♪ And I look it up ♪ [laughter] ♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪ ♪ But I pretend I can’t find the answer ♪ [laughter] ♪ So I fake like I’m still looking ♪ ♪ And you say, “So who’s right?” ♪ ♪ I say, “My phone sucks” ♪ ♪ And blame AT&T reception ♪ [laughter] ♪ Then you start to look it up ♪ ♪ So I just grab your phone And drop it into a glass of iced tea ♪ [cheers and applause] Thank you. Marriage is good, guys. Marriage is good. You’ll like it one day if you’re not married. You just got to keep it mysterious. You got to keep the mystery alive. Like, my wife has no idea where I go for weeks at a time. – It’s fucking… It’s a big mystery. – [man] You tell her where you are tonight? Yeah, she knows I’m here. My kids don’t. I just said I was going downstairs to get an apple. [laughter] [laughs] I always get these emails from the kids’ school that I’ve got to come in. “It’s Terrific Tuesday… Make sure you come in.” And you’re like, Terrific… What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday? Well, you come by the school and you tell the kids how terrific they are. And I’m like, “Okay, Thirsty Thursday.” It’s Thirsty Thursday. Come by. You know, you help the kids fill their water bottles. I’m like, my father literally came to school one fucking time my whole school career. He opened the door in the middle of a fucking test, and I hear, “Where’d you put the rake? [laughter] I’m like, “What?” “You put it on the nail?” – “I think I did.” – “You think? “It’s not there.” [laughter] – “Okay.” – “It’s not okay.” “I’ll get it for you after school.” “No, you’ll get it now!” – [laughter] – [piano plays] Okay, here we go. ♪ One is a little guy hiding in a tree ♪ ♪ Two are together And they’re swimming out to sea ♪ ♪ Three on a Ferris wheel Four at the zoo ♪ ♪ Five in my pocket ♪ ♪ Six in my shoe ♪ ♪ Seven on a mountain top ♪ ♪ Eight in a park ♪ ♪ Nine in a gondola ♪ ♪ Ten in the dark ♪ ♪ It’s everywhere you go ♪ ♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere you’ll find an anti-Semite ♪ There he is! [cheering] [whistling] Joking. He’s not. Leave him alone. Get the fucking lights off of him. He seems like a decent man. [laughter] Sorry. ♪ I am gonna read a book ♪ ♪ Read a book, read a book ♪ ♪ Gonna be a better man ♪ ♪ Better man than I am ♪ ♪ So I go to Amazon ♪ ♪ Amazon dot com ♪ ♪ And I buy a dozen books ♪ ♪ Lots of books, smart books ♪ ♪ They will ship them right away ♪ ♪ Right away, in a day ♪ ♪ And I have Amazon Prime ♪ ♪ So it doesn’t cost a dime ♪ ♪ So I look at my new book ♪ ♪ Take a look at my book ♪ ♪ Right away I tune out ♪ ♪ Don’t like reading, get distracted ♪ ♪ So I turn on my TV ♪ ♪ TV good, reading bad ♪ ♪ And I watch Property Brothers ♪ ♪ For 11 fucking hours ♪ [cheers and applause] Hello. You ever… How about the times you wake up… Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning and you’re like, “God damn it. What am I doing up right now?” 4:30, can’t fall asleep… I’m fucking ruined for the day. Ever do one of those things where you go, “Let me just get out of bed,” and live like those people who always go, “Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day. I do that for me. That’s me time. I spend the morning alone. That’s my time and it’s the best. It sets me in the right mood.” You’re like, “Let me be one of those fucking pricks. I’ll get up at 4:30.” And you get up at 4:30 and you make yourself breakfast. You’re like, “Wow, this is good. making breakfast. I never do that.” And then you work out. You’re like, “I’m working out this early. Holy shit. That’s out of the way. That’s great.” And then you have yourself another breakfast. You’re like, “Okay, I’m running out of shit to do.” And then you flip on the news and you go, “There’s news before the news? Who the fuck are these people? They’re very good. They should be on the real news.” Then you go outside and you see a bird eating a worm. You’re like, “Is that the fucking early bird? I’ve been hearing about that thing for a long time.” There he is. Holy shit.” Then a bus shows up, and your kids get on it. You’re like, “That’s how they fucking get to school. Nobody fucking told me… What a day. This is interesting.” And then it’s around 11 o’clock and you’re in the middle of a work meeting and you’re like, “How long is this fucking day gonna go for? Let me sleep!” [laughter] My wife’s grandmother turned… she turned 101 years old, which is nice, 101 years old. – [cheers and applause] – That’s good for the family, you know, good to have that in your genes. My daughter’s got that great life. My family, we fucking die… I should be dead is all I’m saying. It makes no sense that I’m here right now. But 101 years old… I went to her birthday, I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder… Just, she kept going, “Ooh.” And I was saying, “It’s tradition. We can’t break tradition, Grandma.” She was like, “I want to break tradition.” I was like, “Well, you can’t. So, just fucking deal with 94 more.” And bam. “Oh!” [laughter] [keyboard plays] ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Grandma died ♪ ♪ Grandma died ♪ ♪ Grandma died today ♪ ♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪ ♪ Grandma died today ♪ ♪ I guess I’ll go to a bingo game and steal ♪ ♪ Somebody else’s grandma ♪ ♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪ ♪ Can’t tell the difference ♪ [laughs] What’s going on? You getting this camera all set? Don’t get hurt. That’s a heavy fucking piece of machinery. It’s blocking you good. You okay? You got your beer. That’s a big fucking beer, man. [laughter] Way to go. You get loose. I dedicate this song to the fucking drunk guy right there. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Here we go. [rock music plays] Yeah. Shoop! [cheering] [woman] I love you! ♪ I am a grown man ♪ [laughter] ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ ♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪ ♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪ ♪ I have no respect for my family ♪ ♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪ ♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪ ♪ But the toilet is too far ♪ ♪ The toilet is too far away ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪ ♪ The toilet is too far ♪ ♪ Once when I was drunk, I… ♪ ♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪ [laughter] ♪ But I prefer the shower ♪ ♪ My wife’s loofah is starting to stink ♪ [laughter] ♪ When my kids go to school in the morning ♪ ♪ They smell like they’re soaking in piss ♪ [laughter] ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ [man] ♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪ ♪ I eat some asparagus ♪ [laughter] ♪ I am an animal ♪ ♪ I am a destroyer ♪ [cheering] ♪ They caught me pissing In my neighbor’s pool ♪ [laughter] ♪ And now I have to get a lawyer ♪ ♪ It was worth it ♪ [cheering] Thank you! That was fun. Are you ever wiping yourself, uh, back there… You’re wiping up pretty good, and then you keep wiping. And then you’ve really… you’ve got to keep wiping. And you wipe again, and then you wipe another one. Then you go, “You know what? Just out of principal, I’m stopping after this next one. It’s fucking enough already. I don’t care if I’m done or not. This is fucking killing me. [laughter] Whatever happens happens. Get me the fuck out of here. [laughter] I did my first dick pic, everybody. [cheering] Thank you. A dick pick is… that’s a weird thing to do. There’s no reason for me to do it. I’m fucking married. But all my friends are doing them, so I’m like, “What the fuck, let me just… at least I can be part of the conversation when they’re talking about their dick pics. I can go, “Oh, yes, definitely.” You know? [laughter] So, I do my first dick pick. I look back at it. There’s a ghost in the background. So there’s a ghost in the image, and I’m like, “I live in fucking haunted house?” I had no idea. I want to show everybody… ’cause… what are the chances of catching that? But my dick doesn’t look… as good as I want it to look in the image. Plus, you know, the fucking ghost was really tall, so he made my dick not look… exact. Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler next to my dick. I was like, “What the fuck is your problem?” to the ghost. He was like… The ghost was like, “I live here too. I like to have fun.” [laughter] All right, I’m gonna play guitar a little bit for you. [electric guitar plays] [cheering] ♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪ ♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪ ♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪ ♪ My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪ ♪ And yet, the fact is ♪ ♪ We still gotta practice ♪ ♪ Every day ♪ ♪ Oh, no, my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪ ♪ My-my-my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪ ♪ The dumb teacher Gave the big parts away ♪ ♪ Oh, no, my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪ ♪ It’s in the first five minutes ♪ [laughter] ♪ But my wife says We still gotta stay the whole way ♪ ♪ Fuck no My kid’s only got one line in a play ♪ ♪ As soon as my wife looks the other way ♪ ♪ I phone in a bomb scare And I call it a day ♪ ♪ Because my kid’s only got One line in a play ♪ ♪ And she got it wrong ♪ [laughter] [cheers and applause] You love your kids more than anything on the planet until like 9:30 at night. And then you’re like, “Okay… that’s enough. [laughter] I loved you all day long. Just give me a little break. I answered all your crazy questions. I don’t even know… I know nothing. That does not fucking help when you have to answer your kid. I’ve got to make up every goddamn answer. “Are whales smart, Daddy?” “Well, you know, they’re more street smart than book smart, but…” I don’t fucking know anything about whales. My daughter plays basketball, my nine year old. So, I go and see her play basketball, and she’s a sweetheart of a kid. And every time they put the kid in the game, I get so excited. I take my video camera out, and I fucking video everything she does. And so, a couple Sundays ago, I’m videoing my daughter and another dad goes, “Hey, can you email me that when you’re done?” And I go, “Yeah, absolutely, dude. And then I’m videoing my kid and then I remembered. Actually, when I video my kid, I say a lot of things, and… It’s always not stuff I want other people to hear. And I’m always like, “Okay, you got it, you little cutie. You’ve got the ball. You’re so good. Look how good you are. You take the ball. Pass it to my kid. Somebody pass it to my kid. I’ll get a break your fucking neck, I swear to God. Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid. You all suck out there.” And I was like, “I better not email that to that man there. So I just emailed him the ghost/dick pic thing. The guy was like, “What the fuck’s with the ruler?” I go, “Yeah, the ghost was an asshole. Fuck that guy.” “I’m with you.” My little sweet daughter… the sixth grader, she comes back from school and she’s like, “All the boys keep saying, ‘That’s what she said…’ and then they all laugh.” “Why Daddy?” And I was like, “Oh, boy.” “Yeah, it seems like anything I say, they say, ‘That’s what she said.’ They look at each other, and they just laugh and laugh. And I’m confused. Help me Dad-da.” And so, I’m like, “Okay, how do I explain this to her?” And I’m trying to just figure out, you know, the right way to do it, in a clean way, no cursing. And I’m just going, “Uh… uh… uh… uh, well, it’s a…” And then my kid goes, “That’s okay, Daddy. You tried your best.” [laughter] And I was like, “That’s what she said.” [laughter] All right, let’s do this. [piano plays] That’s not true. None of that… None of this fucking story… All this is a lie. All right. [laughter] [laughs] ♪ I’ll take the large, please ♪ ♪ Can’t believe my eyes ♪ ♪ Sprinkles and fudge And a smelly surprise ♪ ♪ Oh, ice cream lady ♪ ♪ Thank you for letting me Eat your pussy ♪ [laughter] [laughs] Come on. [cheering] You know you would fucking go to that ice cream place all the time. [Sandler] Oh, Sandman. That’s too much. [piano plays] Okay. Just getting ready. ♪ The pilot had a heart attack ♪ ♪ The co-pilot can’t be found ♪ ♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪ ♪ They know the plane’s going down ♪ ♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪ ♪ We need a hero to land the plane ♪ ♪ We need a hero who’s going to do it ♪ ♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪ ♪ So I jump to my feet and I volunteer ♪ ♪ The people on the plane All start to cheer ♪ ♪ I get a high-five from a baby ♪ ♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪ ♪ So I go in the cockpit Put the headset on ♪ ♪ And grab the main control ♪ ♪ Then right away I crash the plane ♪ ♪ Because I don’t know what I’m doing ♪ [laughter] Thank you, thank you, thank you. [applause] Yeah. Thank you. [piano plays] ♪ We’re on a runaway train ♪ ♪ The conductor had a meltdown ♪ ♪ The people in the dining car ♪ ♪ Are screaming really, really loud ♪ ♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪ ♪ Yeah, we need a hero To bring us through the danger ♪ ♪ We need a hero, somebody competent ♪ ♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪ ♪ So I put the engineer’s hat On the top of my head ♪ ♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪ ♪ A guy says, “You’re the man, man” ♪ ♪ And a deaf woman signs “Go get ’em” ♪ ♪ Then I go to the cab And I toot the whistle ♪ ♪ That’s something I always wanted to do ♪ ♪ Then right away we fly off the bridge ♪ ♪ Because I don’t know what I’m doing ♪ [laughter] Thank you. Thank you. [applause] Thank you. Ahh. ♪ We’re in a nice family restaurant ♪ ♪ Somebody’s grandma’s choking On a lamb chop ♪ ♪ There’s panic in the air As Nana’s face turns blue ♪ ♪ The busboy screams in Spanish “What the fuck do we do?” ♪ ♪ We need a hero who’s gonna do it ♪ ♪ We need a hero To clean out her windpipe ♪ ♪ We need a hero Who’s down with Heimlich ♪ ♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪ ♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪ ♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪ ♪ Another guy gets up And says he’s a doctor ♪ ♪ I say, “Sit the fuck down I got this shit” ♪ ♪ Then I wrap my arms Around Grandma’s chest ♪ ♪ And I look her grandkids Deep in the eyes ♪ ♪ Then right away… ♪ [laughs] ♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪ ♪ Because I don’t know what I’m doing ♪ Grandma! [cheers and applause] What the fuck was that? After every joke… [plays guitar] This is one that we don’t play that much But, uh… but I figured it’s fucking Jersey. I think you guys might enjoy this. So here we go. [cheers and applause] ♪ Thirteenth birthday ♪ ♪ People come from far away ♪ ♪ Aunts and uncles show up ♪ ♪ I brush my fro up ♪ ♪ Feeling skittish ♪ ♪ People speaking Yiddish ♪ ♪ Buy a freaky suit and tie ♪ ♪ Tailor’s hanging on my thigh ♪ ♪ Practice for the whole year ♪ ♪ Paralyzed with fear ♪ ♪ Hebrew flash cards on my walls ♪ ♪ Voice is changing, dropped my balls ♪ ♪ Dad’s mad at the cost ♪ ♪ Too bad Mom’s the boss ♪ ♪ Grandmas are full of joy ♪ ♪ For the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Okay, up on the podium ♪ ♪ I’m staring out at everyone ♪ ♪ Can’t remember how it goes ♪ ♪ Whistle from my rabbi’s nose ♪ ♪ Oh, man, this is it ♪ ♪ Make up some crazy shit ♪ ♪ Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha ♪ ♪ Everybody says, “Good job” ♪ ♪ Now I’m done, sweet relief ♪ ♪ Lipstick on Mama’s teeth ♪ ♪ Catholic friends all ask me this ♪ ♪ “What the fuck is a knish?” ♪ ♪ Kids are all coming in ♪ ♪ Checks and bonds and fountain pens ♪ ♪ Make a bank deposit ♪ ♪ Make out in the closet ♪ ♪ He’s the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ The rabbi does the Electric Slide ♪ ♪ Grandma’s ass is six feet wide ♪ ♪ Party music never stops ♪ ♪ All my friends drinking schnapps ♪ ♪ Boys are short, girls are tall ♪ ♪ Pass me the alcohol ♪ ♪ Chug as much as I can ♪ ♪ Vomit on the klezmer band ♪ ♪ Mom and Dad yell at me ♪ ♪ This strains my family ♪ ♪ But I’m a man, so I don’t care ♪ ♪ Got my first mustache hair ♪ ♪ I’m the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ [man] ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪ ♪ And it’s the best day of my life ♪ ♪ Until three years later ♪ ♪ When my parents stop Making me go to temple ♪ [laughter] Very nice, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. [cheers and applause] So I’ll tell you a little story about Disney World. You want to hear a true Adam Sandler Story? Please, I can… Okay. [cheers and applause] So you guys have been to Disney World, right? [cheering] The families have been there. Who doesn’t have kids and still goes to Disney World? [cheering] You fucking stoners. [laughter] I’m on to you. [laughs] All right, so I go to Disney World recently with my wife and the two kids. My kids wanted to go on this roller coaster. They were very excited. So, we wait on the line. We’re waiting. You know the lines are very long. So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes. We get to the front of the line, and then the roller coaster, we find out, only takes three people at a time. So, there’s four of us. And I see my wife and the two kids just immediately start walking to the thing. And I was like, we’re not even gonna flip a coin. Not… Not even a thought, right? They’re like, “No, no…” I was like, “Yeah. All right.” And so, I’m sitting there very angry. I’m stewing. Like, “I waited a fucking hour and 15 minutes to go on this fucking shit with you guys, and you fucking bail on me.” Then I see it happens to some other dad from Oklahoma, and he’s muttering. He’s like, “Goddamn motherfucker… They’re mean as shit. And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah.” And then I say to the other dad, I go, “You want fucking me and you to go on it together? And he’s like, “What?” I go, “Well, I’m not going alone. Let’s fucking do this shit. I’ll go with you.” And he’s like, “Yeah, whatever the fuck you want.” And so… [laughs] So I get on the roller coaster with the guy and we’re both not talking to each other. The roller coaster takes off, and you know how they take off so fucking fast… that both our necks snap back, and we look at each other. And he’s like “Ooh, that got me.” I was like, “Oh, yeah, that was fucked up, man.” We start laughing a little bit. And we’re fucking all of a sudden loosening up. And we’re fucking doing all the… jetting, banging into these fucking crazy turns. I’m fucking leaning, 100% leaning on the guy. He’s looking at me like, “What the fuck?” I was like, “Hey, here we are.” And we’re laughing our asses off. And I’m like, “Holy shit, I haven’t been this happy in at least 11 years. I know that, but whatever, I’m fucking… jetting around, fucking doing loop-the-loops. He’s fucking bumping my first. I’m like, “Yeah, motherfucker.” He’s like, “Yeah, baby.” We get to the end. The fucking… You know how the break comes out of nowhere. It fucking screeches on, both our fucking heads snap again. He’s like, “They got us again. I was like, “Fuck yeah, we’ll never learn. [laughter] So, uh, we’re creeping up to, you know, getting off the ride, how it’s like a little slow at exit, and we’re sitting there, and I’m fucking… I feel this crazy pain in my heart, and I’m like, “Did I fucking fall in love with this guy or some shit? What happened? And he’s not looking at me. I’m like this guy feels it too, ’cause he’s in a fucking daze. We’re both… And my kids are like, “Come on, let’s go to Peter Pan.” I was like, “All right, in a minute.” I’m yelling at the kids too loud. “I’ve got to say goodbye to the man.” And, uh… I get off. I go, “Hey, nice to meet you.” He’s like, “Yeah, nice to meet you.” He won’t look at me, and we’re both all fucked up. He goes back to his family, I go back to mine. I’m walking away. In my head, I’m like, “I’m never gonna see that fucking guy again, and I don’t feel good about that. Um… And then I… And then I go… “They take your picture though… on those rides. You know, just for memory’s sake. Just, what the fuck, I’m gonna go see, maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn’t. But if they did… why not? Fuck it, you know. Let’s just see.” And so, we… We go to the, uh… I go to that place where there’s the fucking monitor up. Sure enough, there’s a picture of me and the guy, upside down, in the loop-the-loop… staring so deep into each other’s eyes. It was fucking bananas. I was like, “Okay, he felt it. He definitely felt it too.” So, I say to the lady behind the counter, “Hey, how much is that?” And the lady goes, “Sixty-five dollars.” I was like, “Oh. Okay.” And then I take my phone out, and I fucking snap a shot of it. And then I feel this energy behind me. I look back, and it’s the guy from Oklahoma. He’s holding the picture he just bought. And he was like, “I wasn’t worth it?” [laughter] So, anyways… If that man is watching my Netflix special right now, I think of you a lot, sir. I think of you a lot. All right, Milwaukee, let’s fucking do this shit. Here we go. [hip hop music plays] ♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪ ♪ Here we go again ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ I’m heading out ♪ ♪ And all I’m taking with me ♪ ♪ Is my phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ Just those three things, please Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ Got my credit cards in my wallet ♪ ♪ Got my phone, you can call it ♪ ♪ Masterlock on my front door ♪ ♪ That’s what my motherfucking keys Are for ♪ ♪ My phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ Good things come in threes Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ If I’m going to the zoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ If I’m getting a face tattoo I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ If I’m going out to a wedding If it’s winter time and I’m sledding ♪ ♪ If I’m at the Daddy-Daughter dance My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants ♪ ♪ I’m going on vacation To the West Indies ♪ ♪ And I don’t got no luggage ♪ ♪ Just got phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ I roll on up to the airport ♪ ♪ Lady asks for my passport ♪ Fuck. Okay. ♪ Guess I need my phone Wallet, passport, keys ♪ ♪ Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ ♪ Now I need four things, bitch, please Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ ♪ I’m finally on the plane I’m riding Delta, Delta ♪ ♪ The lady farted next to me ♪ ♪ I smelled her, I smelled her ♪ ♪ We get to 30,000 feet ♪ ♪ I recline my fucking seat ♪ ♪ About to watch a movie, stop ♪ ♪ I forgot my laptop ♪ ♪ Mm, motherfucker ♪ ♪ Damn it ♪ ♪ Now I need my laptop Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ ♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪ ♪ Too much shit, five fucking things ♪ ♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys I’m swinging my shit all over the place ♪ ♪ I’m hurting ya, I’m hurting ya ♪ ♪ I’m carrying so much shit ♪ ♪ I got a hernia, a hernia ♪ ♪ No place to put it, what can I do? Probably should take my iPad too ♪ ♪ What the fuck else did I forget? ♪ ♪ Sandman, you need tons of shit ♪ ♪ My Tic Tacs, my backpack ♪ ♪ My Zippo lighter, my charge pack My sunglasses, my hairspray ♪ ♪ My headphones ♪ ♪ They’re Beats by Dre ♪ ♪ My notebook, my GoPro My vape pen, my crossbow ♪ ♪ My toothpick, my pocket knife ♪ ♪ Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife ♪ [man] ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ God damn ♪ ♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ It used to be so easy ♪ ♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪ ♪ Phone, wallet, keys, yeah Phone, wallet, keys ♪ ♪ It used to be a breez-ee ♪ ♪ With my phone, my wallet And my keys-ee ♪ ♪ My pockets got so heavy Now I’m cramping, I’m cramping ♪ ♪ Each time I leave my house It’s like I’m camping, I’m camping ♪ ♪ I’m miserable, just standing around I’m like a walking lost and found ♪ ♪ You know I’d rather stay at home ♪ ♪ Where all I need’s my fucking phone ♪ [man] ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ ♪ Much happier at home ♪ ♪ Just playing with my phone ♪ ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪ ♪ Yeah, I’ll just stay at home ♪ ♪ And fiddle with my phone on the toilet ♪ [laughter] [cheering] I’m gonna do my first mic drop. Yeah. Yeah. You just got Sandoozled. [laughs] [sings indistinctly] Yeah, yeah. Sweet, sweet, sweet. That was a good ending. Thank you. [cheering] [electronic music plays] Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that? Oh, shit, you scared me with that one. Give me a second. Wait, okay. Okay, here we go. This one’s fun. ♪ He’s a very strong lad ♪ ♪ But he hasn’t been laid in years ♪ ♪ Because the strong and handsome lad ♪ ♪ Has a terrible case of UFC ears ♪ ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ ♪ Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears ♪ ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ ♪ Swollen and disfigured UFC ears ♪ ♪ He can beat you in the Octagon ♪ [laughter] ♪ Afterwards drink 30 beers ♪ ♪ But that doesn’t change The horrible fact ♪ ♪ He also has a case of UFC ears ♪ ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ ♪ Tiny little holes in his UFC ears ♪ ♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪ ♪ Can’t stop looking at those UFC ears ♪ ♪ Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose ♪ ♪ Ballet dancers Have those fucked up toes ♪ ♪ MLB pitchers all have crazy beards ♪ ♪ But I can’t believe these guys Can fucking hear ♪ ♪ With those UFC ears ♪ ♪ UFC ears ♪ ♪ Puffy and disturbing UFC ears ♪ ♪ UFC ears, that’s right, UFC ears ♪ ♪ Cries himself to sleep He’s got UFC ears ♪ ♪ Now, after the show tonight ♪ ♪ I’ll be shaking With cheeks wet with tears ♪ ♪ Because he’s going to find me And beat my fucking head in ♪ ♪ Screaming, “Welcome to the club Of UFC ears” ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ Ears ♪ ♪ Ears ♪ ♪ Ears ♪ ♪ Ears ♪ Yeah. Oh my. That’s some smokey shit. This is not from us. There is a fucking fire. Let’s get the fuck out of here. Quick. No, I’m just joking. Don’t… don’t bail on me. – Is that going into your mouth? – [laughter] That’s… Yeah, that’s… [laughs] That’s what she said. Yes. Very good. – [laughter] – That was fun. Really good. I liked that. Yes, those UFC guys, they are built pretty fucking good. I can’t stand… That’s the only reason I don’t watch. I get so angry at how fucking chiselled these fucking guys are. I go to the gym, of course, but I just go to pick my wife up. I’m always like, “Hey, how was that? How’d it go in there?” She’s like, “You’ve got to come in.” I’m like, “Yeah, definitely.” I got old enough now that I don’t take my shirt off anymore. I’m 51, 51 years old. [cheers and applause] So, I don’t take my shirt off anymore when I go swimming at, like, a hotel pool with my kids. I keep my fucking shirt on. I’m swimming, and everyone’s pointing and stuff, and like this lifeguard was yelling at me. “You can’t do that.” I’m like, “What the fuck is… I’m humiliated, buddy. I just don’t want to take my fucking shirt off.” He’s like, “No, you’ve got to wear a bathing suit, your dick is out.” I’m like, “Oh, okay. Oh, this is, uh… one of the fancy Howard Johnson’s. I got you. Fuck. Sorry, man.” The guys over 50 know what I’m talking about. The testicles do get bigger and bigger as you get older. They hang lower and whatever the fuck happens… You know, you’ve seen it at the YMCA your whole life, the older men with the giant balls, and you’re always wondering why they’re so free and happy, fucking… Those are like the 85-year-old guys. They don’t give a fuck. They just swing it… and whatever. They don’t even think of throwing a towel on. They’re just like, “This is it. I only got a few years left. I want… You should remember me how I am, with these giant…” My balls are not that big, but they still don’t make sense on my body. My dick literally looks like it’s sitting in a bean bag chair. Yeah, it’s so comfortable. My dick never… it never wants to leave the balls. It’s always just resting. So nice, like, “I love you guys. You’re my best friends.” [laughter] The new giant balls get me into trouble with my wife now, because we’re both not used to them. I’m behind her doing my thing, what you do when you’re behind your wife. And I’ll hear, “Hey, hey, no spanking.” I’m like, “That wasn’t me. That was… That was those guys, babe.” And she’s like, “Oh… Oh, you got me again.” [piano plays] Okay, this is for the people who either live together or have been married for awhile. Okay? This is for you. ♪ You’re giving me a strange look In the mirror ♪ ♪ As I brush my teeth ♪ [laughter] ♪ I don’t know What I could have done wrong ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I literally just woke up ♪ [laughter] ♪ Maybe you had a dream That I cheated on you ♪ [laughter] ♪ Or you remember something mean I said Like two fucking years ago ♪ [laughter] ♪ All I know is that all day long It’s gonna be weird ♪ [laughter] ♪ Eggshells ♪ ♪ Why the hell is she walking past me Without talking? ♪ ♪ Eggshells ♪ ♪ I told her her hair looked good ♪ ♪ And that somehow made things worse ♪ [man] ♪ Eggshells ♪ ♪ When she picks up the phone She uses a nice voice ♪ ♪ But when she hangs up It’s back to fucking monotone ♪ [laughter] ♪ Eggshells ♪ ♪ I see you’re reading a book In the kitchen ♪ ♪ But she hasn’t turned a page In 45 fucking minutes ♪ [laughter] ♪ Eggshells ♪ ♪ Then I realize I said yesterday ♪ ♪ I’d start going on walks with her ♪ ♪ But I didn’t say it With enough enthusiasm ♪ [laughter and applause] Thank you. [man] Yo, Sandman, what’s your favorite vegetable? Ah-ha, we get it. [rock music plays] Oh, shit. Yeah. ♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪ Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena go fucking mental! [cheering] ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Feels so good ♪ ♪ Kiss your body ♪ ♪ Come on, let’s get naughty ♪ ♪ Now we’re in the groove ♪ ♪ Rocking so hard Her belly’s starting to move, yeah ♪ ♪ I’m gonna show you how ♪ ♪ Nothing in the world’s Gonna stop us now ♪ ♪ So let’s both ignore That crazy pussy fart ♪ [laughter] [laughs] Thank you. The vagina fart has been around a long time, girls. No problem. It’s fun. The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say still gets you every time. Everybody. Every fellow here enjoys them so much. Just keep them coming, girls. It just provides entertainment in the bedroom. Guys do not say nothing about it. Guys will fucking ignore it every time. Just because, you know, if you comment on it, it’s fucking over. You’re getting up and leaving and that’s it. So you’re like, “Okay, whatever the fuck that was, let’s keep… Let’s keep going forward.” I have been face-to-face with the vagina fart. I’ve been tagged pretty hard by my wife right there. I don’t say shit. You know, I might go like, “Uh.” I might give her one of those. Hey, now. But I always get right back in there and finish off when I started. You know, if my wife hits me with like four or five of them in a row, I might say, “I think you’ve got to do some fucking jumping jacks or some shit. You know, get a Q-Tip, fucking pop that… You got… Something’s wrong. Something’s going on with you. But when you come back, I’ll fucking finish you good. I promise you. If it was reversed… let me just say… the girls would not be as sweet to us. If there was a dick fart, if there was such a… There’s no dick fart, but if there was a dick fart… And it would be nothing. It’s such a little hole. The sound would be nothing. Your vaginas literally are like acoustically fucking made to blast out a boomer. And… And we’re just like, “All right, let’s play it off like it didn’t happen.” With a dick fart, you’d be like… At the most, it would sound like… [soft whistling] And you’d be like, “Whoa, what the fuck is that?” [laughter] [soft whistling] “I’m nervous. I don’t know. You don’t think that’s cute? It sounds like a little Disney character. [laughter] Cinderelly.” “I’m leaving!” We’d have to play it off like it didn’t happen. Like, “No, I think the tea’s ready. [soft whistling] [laughter] [laughs] My wife, one time, hit me in the face with a combo platter. She hit me with the vagina to the mouth… Up high. At the very same time, hit me in the neck with the other… the, uh… She came up high and down low at the very same time. I fucking don’t know what happened. One time in 20 years. Just fucking bam, in the face, one in the neck. Fucking hit me hard, it was like the perfect storm. We don’t know what she was eating that day, but whatever the fuck it was, she got me good. I’ve got to say, it literally felt like somebody opened the door on a fucking airplane. It was like, “Whoa!” [laughter] There was debris in the air and fucking… Other passengers were floating through my fucking room. [laughter] Oxygen masks dropped down. You know, I was… But I fucking took it like… I did wish someone else saw it. That was fucking incredible. And then I hear the ghost go, “I saw that shit. Oh, my God. It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand.” [laughter] So I tell my wife recently I would love to try anal. And I say to my wife, “Hey, I would love to try anal.” And she goes, “Oh, I wouldn’t.” And then I say, “Oh.” [laughter] I said, “But I would.” And she goes, “Yeah, I know. I heard.” [laughter] And then I said, “Okay, so let’s…” I really think we should. She goes, “I’m just not into that.” And then I said, “You know, what? I love you. I’m gonna be with you for the rest of my life. I’ve been with you 20 years. I’ve never cheated on you. I never will cheat on you. – It’s you and me against the world, baby. – [cheering] And, uh… I really… I got nowhere else to get this anal. – So… – [laughter] I was like, “You’ve got to fucking help me out. It’s a fantasy. Please?” And, uh… And she was nice. She said okay. And so, on my birthday, she gave it up. She gave it to me, and she said she liked it. She said it was fun and she couldn’t believe she fit her whole fist inside me… – And so… I don’t know. – [laughter] I said, “You see? New experiences.” She’s a good girl. That’s my baby. That’s my baby. [Sandler] Oh, Sandman. That’s too much. [piano plays] ♪ Mmm ♪ ♪ It’s awfully cold in outer space today ♪ ♪ The earth is just a tiny speck ♪ ♪ A million miles away ♪ ♪ I’m floating through the darkness ♪ ♪ There’s nothing much to see ♪ ♪ And a Cosmonaut named Yuri ♪ ♪ Is the only one with me ♪ [laughter] ♪ Mmm ♪ ♪ Now we’re in zero gravity ♪ ♪ Just spinning round and round ♪ ♪ The next thing you know I’m right side up ♪ ♪ And Yuri’s upside down ♪ ♪ My penis accidentally goes In his mouth ♪ [laughter] ♪ His penis accidentally goes in mine ♪ [laughter] ♪ Yes, it’s just another accident ♪ ♪ On Station 69 ♪ [laughter] Ladies and gentlemen… Yuri. [cheers and applause] Hello, people of Earth. [cheering and whistling] ♪ It’s awfully cold In outer space tonight ♪ [Sandler] Yes. ♪ I sent a message back to Earth ♪ ♪ To tell them we’re all right, yes ♪ ♪ I check the telescopes ♪ ♪ And look for instruments to fix ♪ [laughter] ♪ But my favorite part of space ♪ ♪ Is when we suck each other’s dicks ♪ [Sandler] Absolutely. ♪ We’re spinning around in circles ♪ ♪ And it feels very nice ♪ ♪ When we kiss each other’s penis tips ♪ ♪ It seems like paradise ♪ ♪ We’re travelling in light speed ♪ Yes. ♪ It’s an intergalactic ride ♪ ♪ Well, we used to have a monkey ♪ Remember? ♪ But I fucked it till it died ♪ Yes, yes. ♪ Yes, we’re in zero gravity ♪ ♪ Just spinning round and round ♪ ♪ The next thing you know I’m right-side up ♪ ♪ And I am upside down ♪ [cheering and whistling] ♪ He accidentally puts his penis In my mouth ♪ ♪ And he puts his penis in mine ♪ [laughter] ♪ Yes, it’s just another accident ♪ ♪ It’s just another thing That on purpose I did ♪ [laughter] ♪ It’s… It’s just… ♪ [laughs] ♪ It’s just another afternoon ♪ [both] ♪ On Station 69 ♪ [cheers and applause] Go! Go back! Go back to space! Get out of here! Take him away! [laughs] What are you doing? Help him. [laughs] All right, guys, gonna do this one. This is a very special song. I hope you like it. It means a lot to us. Here we go. [cheering] [low-tempo music plays] ♪ The first time I saw him ♪ ♪ He was sweeter than shit ♪ ♪ Plaid jacket and belt too tight ♪ ♪ He wasn’t even doing a bit ♪ ♪ Then he cartwheeled around the room ♪ ♪ And slow-danced with the cleaning lady ♪ ♪ He was a one-man party ♪ ♪ You know who I’m talking about ♪ ♪ I’m talking about My friend Chris Farley ♪ [cheering] ♪ On Saturday night My man would always deliver ♪ ♪ Whether he was the Bumblebee girl ♪ ♪ Or livin’ in a van down by the river ♪ [cheering] ♪ He loved the bears and did the dance At Chippendale’s with Swayze ♪ ♪ When they replaced his coffee With Folgers ♪ ♪ He went fucking crazy ♪ ♪ The sexiest Gap girl ♪ ♪ And Meatloaf in the band ♪ ♪ Without him, there’d be no Lunch Lady In Lunch Lady Land ♪ ♪ You know who I’m thinking about ♪ ♪ I’m thinking about my boy Chris Farley ♪ [cheering] [man] I love you, Sandman! [cheers and applause] ♪ After a show He’d drink a quart of Jack Daniels ♪ ♪ And stick the bottle right up his ass ♪ [laughter] ♪ But hungover as hell That Catholic boy ♪ ♪ Always showed up to morning mass ♪ ♪ We’d tell him, “Slow down You’ll end up like Belushi and Candy ♪ ♪ He said, “Those guys are my heroes” ♪ ♪ That’s all fine and dandy ♪ ♪ I ain’t making that shit up ♪ ♪ That’s the truth About my boy Chris Farley ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ I saw him in the office Crying with his headphones on ♪ ♪ Listening To a KC and the Sunshine Band song ♪ ♪ I said buddy, “How the hell Is that making you so sad?” ♪ ♪ Then he laughed and said ♪ ♪ Just thinking about my dad ♪ [applause] ♪ The last big hang we had ♪ ♪ Was at Timmy Meadows’ wedding party ♪ ♪ We laughed our balls off All night long ♪ ♪ Off the coast of Florida ♪ ♪ But a few months later ♪ ♪ The party came to an end ♪ ♪ We flew out to Madison ♪ ♪ To bury our friend ♪ ♪ Nothing was harder than saying goodbye ♪ ♪ Except watching Chris’ father Have his turn to cry ♪ ♪ Mmm ♪ ♪ Hey, buddy, life’s moved on ♪ ♪ But you still bring us so much joy ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ Make my kids laugh With your YouTube clips ♪ ♪ Or Tommy Boy ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ Well, when they ask me Who’s the funniest guy I ever knew ♪ ♪ I tell them hands down Without a doubt, it’s you ♪ ♪ Yeah, I miss hanging out ♪ ♪ Watching you try to get laid ♪ ♪ But most of all I miss Watching you fuck with Spade ♪ ♪ Well, it ended how you wanted ♪ ♪ But I still wish you were here with me ♪ ♪ And we were getting on a plane To go shoot ♪ ♪ Grown Ups 3 ♪ ♪ Yeah, life ain’t the same Without you, boy ♪ ♪ And that’s why I’m singing about ♪ ♪ I’m singing about My friend Chris Farley ♪ ♪ And if we make enough noise ♪ ♪ Maybe he’ll hear us ♪ [whistling] [cheering] ♪ Give it up for the great ♪ ♪ Chris Farley ♪ [cheers and applause] By far the funniest fucking guy of all time, the Farls, man. Yeah, baby, so thank you. I couldn’t wait to sing that to you guys, and I knew it would be special here. And thank you. [cheers and applause] He was the best. He was the best. Okay, you guys, I’m gonna sing you this song right now. This is the kind of a sweet song. I sing it to my wife, because she lets me talk about so many things in front of you people. [laughs] And she doesn’t even get mad at me. She’s pretty damn cool. So here we go. ♪ I met you 20 years ago ♪ ♪ And we talked all night ♪ ♪ You drank me under the table ♪ ♪ Yeah, it was love at first sight ♪ ♪ I knew right then and there ♪ ♪ I’d grow old with you ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ I said I’d tell you jokes ♪ ♪ Whenever you are sad ♪ ♪ Make you a mom if you made me a dad ♪ ♪ Oh, it’s been so much fun ♪ ♪ Growing old with you ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ [cheering] ♪ I love you ♪ ♪ Foot rub you ♪ ♪ Tell you you’re the only one I’m thinking of ♪ ♪ Make big decisions with you ♪ ♪ Try new positions with you ♪ [laughs] ♪ Even sit and watch Fucking Eat Pray Love ♪ [laughter] ♪ Two times in a row ♪ [laughter] ♪ Now when I’m on a diet ♪ ♪ You take away my potatoes ♪ ♪ Say, “Fuck all those guys” After reading Rotten Tomatoes ♪ ♪ I hope they all die miserable deaths ♪ ♪ As I grow old with you ♪ [cheering] ♪ You scold me ♪ ♪ You hold me ♪ ♪ Look the other way When I dress like a pimp ♪ ♪ You cry to me ♪ ♪ You lie to me ♪ ♪ But only when you tell me ♪ ♪ That the dick looks big ♪ [laughter] [laughs] ♪ Now, we don’t need a big house ♪ ♪ We don’t need any money ♪ ♪ All we need is you and me ♪ ♪ And Sadie and Sunny ♪ ♪ I got everything I want ♪ ♪ Growing old with you ♪ And this goes for all of you guys here tonight. [man] Yeah! [cheering] ♪ Thanks for growing old with… ♪ ♪ Me ♪ All right, you all, thank you so much. Respect! Rock and roll. I love you too. Let’s do it again sometime. Thank you. Thank you. Well, folks, I’ve been given the light and I must go. But thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of the show. [cheers and applause] [mid-tempo instrumental music plays] ♪ Ears ♪ ♪ Ears ♪ ♪ Ears ♪ ♪ Ears ♪ [applause] [Sandler] I got… Go ahead. Why did the chicken cross the road? [Sandler] Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? Because he wanted to get some diarrhea to eat for breakfast. [Sandler laughs] Okay, your turn. Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know. Don’t forget, I’m Sadie. [Sandler] Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny. Why did the M&M walk away from me? [Sandler] Why? Because it wanted to go pee on my dress. [Sandler laughs] Terrific.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jeff Foxworthy & Larry the Cable Guy: We’ve Been Thinking (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jeff-foxworthy-larry-the-cable-guy-weve-been-thinking-transcript/

When you start doing what Jeff and I do this is the kind of digs you get at these big events. Oh, that’s right. This room’s gotta be eight-by-eight. [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jeff Foxworthy! [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? So awesome to be here, the beautiful Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis. Yeah, we’ve had such a ball here. And I’m so thankful you showed up tonight because we need you. Wait, we do, we call the thing the “We’ve Been Thinking” tour because as we think about stuff we either have to get a psychiatrist or we need you to help us work through it, all right? First example, and this one’s pretty recent, last Thursday. My brother lives next door to me. His oldest daughter is in medical school. She’s in her third year. So in your third year you have to do everything. And then in your fourth year you kinda specialize. So my brother told me, last Thursday, she called home to let him know that that day had been “prostate check day”. It gets better. There are 60 people in her class. They all checked the same guy. That’s why I need your help. This guy is rolled in a ball right here. And the guy told him. He said, he had been doing this for 40 years. And that over the last forty years he had his prostate checked thousands and thousands of times. I’m thinkin’, “You’re not doing this for the money, are you?” And here’s the deal. I don’t feel bad for him. He signed up for it. You know who I felt bad for? His mother. And I’ll tell you why, because every week this woman has to go out to lunch with her friends and her friends are like, “Well, Inez, what is Billy doing now?” “Well, he is working all the time but he said it is wearing his ass out.” And here’s the other thing I got to thinking about. You know, when they check it and– Maybe the women don’t know this but they got the glove on. And then they put that K– That jelly. Sixty applications of jelly! There is no way this guy can drive home from this event. He can’t stay on the seat, you know! It’s like… And he can’t walk home because if he farts, he’ll have a trail of bubbles behind him and little kids chasing him and trying to pop ’em. These are the kind of things we think about. Well, I haven’t decided if I’m running for president or not yet. I… I started to say I’m not qualified but this time around it doesn’t really matter, does it? Oh, my God! Well, here’s the deal. I mean, like all y’all, I watch this stuff every day, and it amuses me that all these candidates, they just keep promising people more and more and more. And as I watch it, I think, that’s not really the problem that we have in America. We don’t need more. We have so much stuff now, we can’t even enjoy the people we love. What we need is more common sense. And, seriously! So if I was running what I would do is use some common sense and start taking away some of the stupid stuff we don’t need. I call them “no-more’s.” Day number one, no more picking up dog poop. It’s embarrassing. We are the top of the food chain. No other animal picks up another animal’s poop. Monkeys pick up their own and throw it but they’re kind of the comedians of the animal world. And they’re just trying to make the school kids laugh. But they have a rule in my neighborhood. If you walk your dog and your dog does his business in somebody else’s yard, you need to get a little plastic bag, pick it up and dispose of it. So you drive through my neighborhood and there’s all these attractive women walking around with poo-poo-purses. And I know the dogs are confused. The dog’s like, “Wait a minute! You’re taking it back home? Why did we have to walk three blocks? I could have pooped in the living room, saved us both some embarrassment.” What a stupid rule! Why would they have us pick it up? It’s fertilizer. It makes the grass grow. Lord, it’s not like some child is gonna step in it. A kid hadn’t played in the yard since 1982! You know what’s sad? We have an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off the bottom of their shoe. But when I was growing up we played in the yard every day. And every day somebody stepped in dog poop. And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it. You would hobble over to the curb… and scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. Then you would find a puddle and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around in the puddle. Then limp over to the grass and do the brush-stroke, back and forth. Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick… and you would sit down on the curb and you would pick it out of the zig-zag pattern on the bottom. Then you wore those shoes to church the next day. And nobody in that church knew you had stepped in dog poop. So, no more, no more picking up dog poop. No more sugar-free cookies. It’s like going to the drive-in movie by yourself. You can do it but it ain’t ending in a smile. You’re an adult. If you want a cookie, eat a cookie. If you want sugar-free eat celery. Quit wasting valuable cookie dough on sugar-free cookies. Nobody likes ’em. Now you hear this a lot in an election year like this year. All of them talk about the war on women. They each blame each other for having a war on women, which is stupid. This is a media thing. Nobody would have a war on women, because they would never win an election. Common sense. If there is any war on women, it’s men fighting each other trying to get a woman. ‘Cause everybody loves women. And you know why every man wants a woman? Because women are in sole possession of the most valuable thing on the planet. A brain. These two guys were like, “Oh! Missed that one.” Now guess what? They own all of that too. Which I think is part of God’s great plan. See, I think God created women to guide men through life. But God knew men were hard-headed, and men weren’t gonna listen to women. So God gave women the other stuff just to make us pay attention. I just think he may have underestimated how powerful the other stuff was gonna be to us. Well, think about this. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. God says to them, “You’ll never be hungry, you’ll never be thirsty, you’ll never be sick, you’ll never die. I’m gonna come by every afternoon and go for a walk with you. There’s only one rule to live here. Don’t eat the fruit of that one tree.” Now God had no more than gotten in his car and driven off… when Eve walked over to the tree and picked an apple and looked at Adam and said, “You think we should eat this?” And he looked at her standing there, buck naked and went, “Hell yeah, baby, if you want to let’s do it.” If God had put her in a flannel nightgown… we might all be living in paradise today. No more reality TV shows. Seriously. If I want to watch the day to day life of unattractive, uneducated people I will hang out with my own family, thank you very much. No more breast reduction surgeries. I mean, why should I be penalized just because your back hurts? Come on! Take an Advil, for cryin’ out loud! No more commercials where some law group is trying to get somebody to sue somebody else. We are the most sue-happy nation on Earth, which is why our car insurance is so expensive, which is why our medical insurance is so expensive, all of the lawsuits. And it started with cars. “Have you been in a car accident?” “Do you know someone that’s been in a car accident?” “Have you ever heard about a car accident?” Now it’s everything. “Has a woman with a vaginal mesh implant given you the prescription drug ‘Fen-Phen’ which caused you to develop mesothelioma? If so, you could be owed billions.” I just remembered, that happened to me last summer, yes, sir. No more parents at Little League games. We’ve tried it, it doesn’t work. Children’s recreational sports were started for kids to have fun. It is the grownups that took the fun out of it. Seriously, parents, no more, serious! Parents, no more yelling at the coaches. The coaches are not the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. Your genetics are the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. And no more trophies for everybody. And no more not keeping score. Seriously, no matter how badly you don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings, the truth in life is there are winners and there are losers. If you don’t believe me, let’s get in my car and go to Walmart after midnight. Walmart after midnight makes The Walking Dead look like America’s Next Top Model. No more letting people over 65 forward emails. They can use the Internet, they just can’t forward emails. They cannot contain themselves. They forward everything. I spend hours a day deleting the emails of my father-in-law and my mother. And my father-in-law’s are always the political ones. “If you don’t send this to a million people tonight, you are not an American.” “Oh! I was gonna watch TV, but this is gonna take a while.” And my mother’s are always the humorous ones, which she mislabels in the subject line. She’ll have, “Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” No, it’s not, Mother. It’s two kittens in a clothes basket. At best it’s mildly amusing and you’re distracting me from surfing the web, looking for nursing homes within driving distance. See, when it comes to technology my wife and I laugh about this ’cause we’re in our mid-fifties and my wife says, “we’re the baloney in the technology-baloney sandwich.” We’re right in the middle, because our parents can’t text and our children can’t write. My kids don’t even think you need to study. They’re like, “Dad, if you wanna know something just Google it.” And to a point they’re right. I mean when I was growing up, if you were watching TV and somebody said, “What was that guy in?”, you’d go, “Oh, he looks familiar.” That was it! Now you’re watching TV, somebody goes, “What was that guy in?” Somebody goes… “He was the janitor on Joey” Of course, he was. But I tried to tell my kids, I said, “Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you can learn from Google.” I said, “But there’s just as much stuff you can’t learn from Google. You only learn it from life experience. You usually learn most of it the hard way. It’s stuff that’s not Google-able.” I don’t know if that’s a word. But I call ’em the facts of life. It’s stuff you can’t Google. Like this, fact of life. If you were trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit, trying to save a couple of seconds. Because the muscles that guard the flood-gates will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post… and the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. You only learn that the hard way. Fact of life, out of all the cereals, Captain Crunch is the most time-intensive. Here’s what I’m talking about. You eat it too soon after you poured the milk on and you’ll rip the roof of your mouth to shreds. You wait too long after you poured the milk on and the Captain will put a film on your teeth a wired brush can’t get rid of. Fact of life, you can have a wife with long beautiful hair or you can be on time. Fact of life, if a cable or satellite company promises you something for free in six months you are gonna get a bill that looks like Ron White’s bar tab. Fact of life, it takes more than two people to play the “who farted?” game. Well, if there’s only two of you, you know the truth. And they know the truth! And speakin’ of which, how come anytime you just try to sneak one out, as soon as you let it go, somebody walks right into it? You could feel it brewing. You could get on a plane, fly to South America, go to the Arctic Circle, get on a dog-sled, 300 miles to the South Pole. Look around, not a living thing in sight. Soon as you let it go, “Hey, Jeff, are these your car keys? Aaah! Oh, my God! What did you eat? Dog food? Aaah! It’s in my mouth. It’s in my mouth. Aaah!” Fact of life, if you’re going to see a scary movie at the movie theater, it’ll be much more entertaining if you can find a seat directly behind a group of black women. Because not only will you get the scary movie, you will also get their running commentary of the scary movie. “Oh, look at this! She’s running around in her panties like that! Girl, put some drawers on! And put that hair up ‘fore he snatch that weave out your head.” “Now, can you see this, girlfriend, she’ goin’ back in the house. No, she goin’ down to the basement! Girl, get your shit and get outta there, now!” Fact of life, if your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and won’t go to bed for three years! Talking about kids, fact of life, the more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. People that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables they’re growin’ in their own backyard. Yeah, by the time that fourth child rolls around, you’re smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a year-old milk dud out from under the stove and eat it. “Pick the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth. Come on.” Fact of life, out of all the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the meanest because his arms were too short to reach his wiener. That is a medically-proven fact. That will make you angry. And you’ll never watch Jurassic Park the same way again. Fact of life, if you’re driving down the Interstate and you come up behind that old pickup truck that has, like, 13 wooden pallets stacked in the back and they are held together by, like, two ratty bungee cords, we all say the same prayer, “Dear God, do not let those bungee cords break, until I get around this guy. What happens to them we don’t really worry about. But I need to get around him.” Fact of life, when your kids go off to college, you need to be concerned about the excessive drinking, the wild sex, the sleeping till noon and you need to worry your kids might be doing the same thing. Fact of life, 100 percent of the black men that shave their heads look really cool. Fifty percent of the white guys that shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. And you’re thinking of somebody right now, aren’t you? Fact of life, flying on an airplane makes you gassy. Nobody ever talks about this. Nobody ever acknowledges this. We just take our little roll around suit cases and walk to baggage claim popping them off like a trail horse. [popping lips] OK, let me tell you what makes me feel better. When I write this stuff I don’t know if it’s just me or not. But when you laugh like that and start punching each other… I know there’s others in the club. I think that’s why TSA is always in such a bad mood, by the way. Fact of life, if you wake yourself up with a snore… the first thing you do is look around to see who is laughing at you. [snorts] Fact of life, when your wife or girlfriend gets tipsy there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a hibernating bear. And by fine line, I mean, half a sip. “You wait till we get home tonight, mister. Gonna tear you up.” [snoring] And once she crosses the line, you ain’t getting her back. It’s like the paramedics putting the paddle on a body with no head. You’re wasting your time. “Baby wake up for like one minute, one minute, please.” Fact of life, women always have more questions than men have answers to. Example of this, six, seven months ago, I get a text one day. The text says, “Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.” I walk into the kitchen where my wife is, I said, “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “Was he driving?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were Carol and the kids in the car with him?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were the people in the other car hurt?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “What hospital did they take him to?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “You don’t know anything. What do you know?” “I know you need to pray for Tom, just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck.” It’s all I got, I ain’t holding anything back, that’s it. People pointing at each other here. Women have questions. I remember last year our friends went through a rough spot in their marriage so my wife told me to play golf with him to find out what’s going on. Eight hours later, I come home, she’s waiting. “Well?” “We got to the golf course and went to the driving range first. We’re sitting there hitting balls and I say to him, I said, uh, ‘So, how are things at home?’ And he said… [groans] That’s my report.” “You didn’t ask him anything else?” “We started talking about football after that.” She’s like, “How can men be emotionally unattached?” I said, “Well, that’s just the way we’re wired.” We can’t afford to be emotionally attached. Not the way we talk to each other. This is the way men talk to our friends, the guys we love the most. A guy walking down the street’ll see a best friend and say, “Mike! How you doing? I love that shirt, did Elton John have a yard sale? What the hell do you weigh now, about two tons, good God, dude, eat a salad, you bald-headed fat bastard!” That’s how we talk to our friends. I told my wife, if women talk to their friends like men y’all would never get outta bed. It would be fun to watch, though. “Phyllis, is that a vein on your leg or a tattoo of the Amazon river?” Judy, I love those stretch pants. Did you drop a pack of marbles in the back of them?” Stretch pants are like George Washington, they cannot tell a lie. Fact of life, you will listen much more closely to a butt dial than you will an actual phone call. When somebody butt-dials me, I will stay on the phone ten or 15 minutes trying to catch them doing something. It’s only paid off once. I got a buddy named Perp, he’s a carpenter. He wears this phone on his belt, puts his hands on his hip, he butt-dials someone. So one day Perp butt-dials me and I don’t have anything to do, so I’m just listening to him. I can hear him walking around, and I can hear a door open, and I hear a door close, but then I hear a lid go up. Being the mature adult I am, I go running down the hall to find my wife, I’m like, “Perp’s peein’, Perp’s peein’!” Put it on speaker phone, me and my wife sit there and listen to my buddy urinate. Halfway through it, we heard… [fart sound] My wife starts laughing so hard she wet her pants… Which I think is God’s way of saying, “Verily, verily do not listen to thee that butt-dial ye.” Fact of life. You do not want a kidney stone. You may wanna fall wiener-first in a badger hole, but you do not want a kidney stone. How many people have had a kidney stone? Oh, quite a few. How many people have fallen wiener-first in a badger hole? All right. Here’s how I know you don’t want a kidney stone. About six months ago, I’m in the tire store, getting new tires for my truck, I’m at the counter paying for them, feel great. All of a sudden, it’s like Chuck Norris kicked me in the back. I made a noise. I was like… [screeching] I didn’t say it was a masculine noise. I said it was a noise. About ten seconds later, it hit me again. I was like… [screeches] Dwayne, the kid that’s ringing me up at the cash register looks at me and says, and I quote, “Hey, I ain’t no doctor.” Which caught me off guard. I mean, it did. I just assumed that he was, that he didn’t like wearing the stethoscope while changing tires. He goes, “I ain’t no doctor, but I think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and that’s what he acted like.” It is not that I didn’t trust Dwayne’s diagnosis. But I thought, “You know, Jeff, you have a little money. Why not get a second opinion?” So… So I have a buddy that’s a urologist. I called him, “Dude, I think I might have a kidney stone.” He said, “Come in, we’ll take an x-ray.” So we take an x-ray. He comes out thinking he’s a comedian. He’s like, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” He said, “The good news is you don’t have a kidney stone. Bad news is you have five of ’em. And one of them is huge.” Well, he then proceeds to give me an anatomy lesson. He said, “The stones form in the kidneys. They don’t hurt when they’re there. But from the kidneys they pass through a tiny tube called the ureter down to the bladder. A big stone can be five or six times wider than the ureter.” And the word “stone”, they need to rename it. It’s misleading. When you hear “stone”, you think smooth river rock gently tumbling… A kidney stone looks nothing like that. A kidney stone looks like a ninja death-star. It’s got spikes and claws and blades and hooks, so it’s not sliding anywhere. It is cutting through nerves and muscles and blood vessels. And he said passing a big one was the equivalent of like trying to get a porcupine to walk backwards through a garden hose. So you could see where there might be some discomfort. And I really thought I knew what pain was before this. I remember, when I was 20, I’m spending the night at a buddy’s house. I got up in the middle of the night to get water, I didn’t turn the light on, and I hit my little toe on their coffee table. I broke it 90 degrees sideways. Knocked the nail completely off. I laid in the floor and said the “F” word 148 times in a row. Next to a kidney stone, that made that seem like a bubble bath with Jennifer Aniston. The thing only hurts when it moves. You never knew when it’s gonna move. You’d feel great and be talking to people. Like, “Jeff, what are you workin’ on?” “Well, I was just out in LA filming American Bible– Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Hold my hand. Help me, Jesus!” They’re like, “Boy, he takes that show seriously, doesn’t he?” But the pain was nuts! I read online, doctors– they say it’s the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. Any women here given birth and had a kidney stone? Both. You’ve had both. Which one was worse? -Giving birth. -Giving birth? What about you? Giving birth. Here’s my argument as defense attorney for the kidney stone. A year or two after having a baby, a woman will say, “You know what? I’m about ready to have another child.” You never hear a man say, “Well, I’ve about quit puking and crying. I think I’ll drink a case of Coca Cola and see if I can’t work up another kidney stone.” And when my doctor saw the big one, he immediately started writing me a prescription for Percoset. I hardly ever take Aspirin. I’m like, “Dude, you’re wasting time. I am not taking Percoset.” [laughs] “Oh, you skinny-mustached bow-legged boy.” When it started moving, I was eating Percoset like they were peanut M&Ms. I went from being Doctor Oz to Keith Richards in three seconds. And one night the pain was so bad, I’m telling– I told my wife, “You gotta take me to the hospital. The Percoset’s not making a dent in this.” She drops me at the emergency room and goes to park the car and I walk in. At the desk, the nurse said, “So what’s wrong with you?” I said, “I have a kidney stone.” And she kinda laughed. She goes… [chuckles] “Well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time tonight, hon.” I said, “No, ma’am. I am in the worst pain of my life.” She said, “Well, you just feel like you’re gonna die, but you’re not.” I said, “You don’t have a lot of sympathy.” She said, “Oh, you’re looking for sympathy. Baby, that is in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.” She said that! I looked it up later. She’s right. I mean, it is. But she just hands me the clipboard to fill out. So I go in the waiting room, I sit down next to a guy that’s got a knife in his head. He’s got a knife stickin’ in his head. I’m like, “Oh, my God! Were you in a fight?” He said, “No, I have a kidney stone. I did this to myself trying to get to the back back there.” And sometimes when it would move, it would land in such a way, it would block the urine stream, which– The ureter would balloon out, it was the weirdest thing ’cause it felt like you wet your pants. But then when you went, holy cow, did it hurt. Half your brain’s like, “Better go to the bathroom. Gonna embarrass yourself. You’re gonna wet your pants.” The other half’s like, “Don’t do it. It’s gonna hurt.” The kidney stone was like the Somali pirate in the movie Captain Phillips going, “Look at me. I am the captain of the ship now. I make the rules.” And they had you pee through a strainer. Did they make you pee through a strainer– ‘Cause they wanna find out what the stone’s made of so they can take that out of your diet. So I felt like– You know at Christmas, when you watch that old Rudolph thing, the prospector, Yukon Cornelius? That’s what I felt like. Nothing. So, y’all, this went on for six weeks. Six weeks. Every day I was in this pain. The thing would lodge, block the urine, then it would move and hurt. And then I had about four days where I felt great. I thought, “Did I miss it in the strainer or maybe I passed it?” So I went back to the doctor and I took another x-ray. Well, the thing had lodged right in a bend in the ureter next to the bladder, but because it was lodged, it wasn’t moving, so it didn’t hurt. And not blocking the urine stream. I’m like, “Hey, let’s leave it there till the Lord comes back.” But the doctor looks at the x-ray, “I don’t like where that thing is at. I’m gonna give you a week to pass it, and if you don’t we’ll have to get it.” I have a question. When you say “Go get it”, what kinda trip are we talking about there? He said, “We’ve got this flexible metal cord that has a retractable claw at the end of it. We’ll run that cord up the ‘exit only’ ramp, through the bladder, we’ll grab that stone and we will drag it out kickin’ and screamin’.” He said, “Once we get it out, we’ll put a stent in that claw, go right back in a second time and insert that stent into the walls of the ureter…” Which, by now, quite honestly, have lost the will to live. He said, “We’ll leave it there for three or four days, go back in a third time, grab that stent and yank it out.” And I’m thinking since they outlawed water boarding, this has got to be what they’re doing to get terrorists to talk. “So, where’s Bin Laden?” “I do not know.” “We’re gonna get that little metal cord with a claw and see if we can’t find a kidney stone.” “Oh, you sons of the bitches. He’s living in Pakistan in a white house on the corner. The gate code is… [shouts gibberish] You will find him upstairs, last bedroom on the left.” The idea of three trips with the claw scared the Willy out of me. I’m like, “I’ll do anything to avoid this.” I read online cranberry juice might help you pass one. I’m guzzling it. I’m jumping on the trampoline. Anything to get rid of this stone and avoid the claw. It must’ve worked because a couple nights later my wife and I are watching TV, I got up at one point to go to the restroom, and right in the middle of it, I had just– a real quick, sharp pain. You know, it was like… [yips] Y’all, I looked down and there is this black, spiky, little pea-sized marble rolling down the inside of the toilet towards the hole. And my mother always says, “Jeff, you don’t have to tell everything.” I’m like, “Mom, there’s good money in it. Trust me. All right?” That being said, I’m not proud of this. But when I saw the thing about to go down the hole, I panicked. And so I turned, and when I turned, I peed all over the wall in the bathroom, including a brand new roll of toilet paper. I stuck my arm in that warm toilet water, I grabbed that thing and I pulled it out. I zipped my pants up, I marched down the hall into the living room, I went to the mantle, I took down the People’s Choice award, and I put it right up there in the track lighting. You come by the house tomorrow, we’ll all take a look at it. You guys have been awesome. Thank you… for listening to me. You’re terrific. Thank you. Thank you so much. You guys are great! * * * Hey, let’s keep it going, y’all. Keep it up for my good buddy, Larry “The Cable Guy.” Well, thank you. Please remain standing. It is fun to be here. You know, this brings back so many cool memories. The last time I was here, the governor of Minnesota come down here and presented me with the key to the 24 Hour Fitness. So… that was pretty cool, but it’s kind of a… it’s a cool anniversary for me tonight. This is a double anniversary. This is my 27th year in the comedy business. And– Thank you. Remain seated. And it’s my fifth year being funny. So I’m excited about both of them. They’re both really cool, so… We’re gonna enjoy– I guess I gotta do this before going further. Git-R-Done. [laughs] Git-R-Done. [laughs] I remember, the first thing I ever sold that had “Git-R-Done” on it was in Florida. Git-R-Done condoms. [laughs] There was three sizes. Git, Git-R and Git-R-Done. All right. That was it. But they say Git-R-Done everywhere, it’s pretty awesome. I remember this is how they say Git-R-Done in China. [speaks gibberish] Not kiddin’. This is how they say Git-R-Done in Nairobi. [clicking] [popping, clicking] I ain’t kiddin’. Google it, all right? Google it. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. That’s how they do it. Been a crazy week for me, this week. My grandma was on medical marijuana and she broke her hip the other day. She tripped playin’ hacky sack. I’m like, “Grandma, you smoke too much pot.” She goes, “How do you know how much pot I smoke?” I said, “‘Cause Meals on Wheels been by your house eight times today. All right? That’s why.” I want to take my wife on vacation down there to Cabo San Lucas down there, in New Mexico, or wherever the hell it is in. I’m scared of that damn Zika virus, that “mosquito death.” Now they say it spreads sexually. What the hell! How drunk you gotta be to take a mosquito home with you? All right? Dadgum. Kiddin’, how you get their little legs apart? That’s what I don’t know about. You’ll bust ’em. They’re little. I knew they were pests. Now they’re whores. You believe that? I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous! [sighs deeply] Might want you to keep a buddy of mine in your prayers. He is supposed to be here tonight, but he got bit yesterday by a brown recluse. So… Not the spider, the Puerto Rican neighbor that rarely comes out of his house. All right, it’s weird. Kinda come out, bit him on the shoulder and hauled ass back in. “What the hell’s wrong with Carlos? He’s normally pretty reclusive, that feller right there. I don’t get that.” Don’t you hate it when somebody says that you look exactly like so and so. Every time you see him, “Oh, you look just like so and so.” Then you finally meet “so and so.” Ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen your entire life. You’re, like, “Dadgum, I look exactly like that idiot.” Makes me madder than Ronny Milsap in a corn maze. I tell you what, it’s irritating. That happened to me last week. This made me madder than a hunchback in a hailstorm. I go out there. The hailstorm– I go out there. There’s a hunchback in a hailstorm. So… So I go out to eat at this diner, I’m starvin’ and this waitress comes and asks “What do you wanna eat?” I said, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You look just like the cook.” I go, “Get the hell outta here.” [laughs] She goes, “No, you could be his twin brother. I ain’t kiddin’.” “Well, let me see him.” He comes out. “What the hell!” Ugliest mongoloid I’ve ever seen my entire life. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. You should’ve seen. Looked like they’d been cleaning a grill with his face for ten years. Biggest head I’ve ever seen. You oughta seen his head. His driver’s license was an eyebrow. I ain’t makin’ that up. Unbelievable. And I looked identical to him. It pissed me off. Just with a littler head. She’s like, “What do you wanna eat? It’s on the house.” “I lost my appetite, all right? Maybe some eggs with some arsenic would be good right now.” Pissed me off. This irritated me too the other day. Made me madder than a fat guy in a porta-potty with little arms trying to wipe his ass crack, I’ll tell you what. So I go to this– I go to PetSmart to get some dog food for my dog. And I buy the dog food and then the girl goes, “You wanna give an extra $20 to help feed the starving animals?” What the hell do you think I’m doing now? What, am I sprinkling this on my Corn Flakes or somethin’? What a bunch of idiots! She goes, “You look familiar.” I go, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “No, that ain’t it.” She goes… [gasps] “You’re that cook at the diner I seen last week.” Pissed me off. Heck of a week. I come back from Las Vegas, I stayed at the Bellagio hotel. You’ve ever stayed at the Bellagio hotel out there? Yeah. Here’s what I hate about them fancy hotels. I hate the toilets. They got newfangled environmental toilets that flush right when you stand up. You ever seen that? I go in there, do my business, stand up… gone. Pissed me off. Didn’t have time to take a picture. Nothing. All right. Here I’m sittin’ on a world record. Now I can’t get no proof on the daggone thing. I mean, seriously, technology is screwing me out everything. The maid embarrassed me. She walked in on me naked at 3:00 in the morning. What the hell is a maid doing in an elevator at 3:00 in the morning? All right, seriously. Every time I go to Las Vegas, there’s always a buddy of mine, “You goin’ to Las Vegas?” “Yeah. Why?” “Here. Here’s $300 dollars. Gamble it for me.” “All right.” [laughs] Called me up two days later. “How am I doin’?” “You lost everything. All right. I apologize.” “How are you doing?” “I’m up $300. I’m doin’ all right here. Tell you what. I’ll be here another two days. Send me a thousand dollars. I’ll gamble it for you.” Not a good gambler. My wife’s pretty good at Craps. She wins a lot ’cause she plays topless and nobody’s ever looking at the dice. Oh, this’ll piss you off. This is what America’s come to. Did you know this? You can actually now get kicked out of a casino for poopin’ on a Craps table? Man, we’re losing a lot of freedoms in this country. It’s decadent out there in Las Vegas. First time I was there in 1991, I was gettin’ something to eat at 7-Eleven, I leave, some girl picked me up out of nowhere. We go to the room. She get all naked on me. Turned the lights out. I’m like, “What the hell?” Need to be safe, I grabbed a condom there. Here’s one of those fancy ones, lubricated on the inside. Sumbitch barely fit me. Turns out I put on a Slim Jim wrapper. What the hell? Nine months later, she gave birth to a little smokey. [laughs] Wa-wa-wa-wa… They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not no more. What happens in Vegas goes right to the iPhone, see it, straight to the Internet, the YouTube, for slow motion instant replay your stupid self. Better come home, “Hey, honey, how’s Vegas?” “It sucked. Didn’t get to do nothing.” “What do you mean?” “Didn’t do nothing. Stayed in my hotel room the whole time.” “You didn’t do nothing?” “No why?” “You’re on the Internet right now pooping on a Craps table. All right? Bullshit.” Cell phones are gonna ruin everybody’s lives. I’m sick of cell phones. Everybody’s got dadgum cell phones. They got ’em in prison now. Prisoners got cell phones. Did you know? You know how they get them in there? They smuggle ’em in by… shovin’ them up their hind end. You think you got a shitty reception. “Hey, bend over. Can you hear me now?” [fart noise] “What did he say?” “Somethin’ about Thursday.” It’s irritating. Everybody got a cell phone. I got a midget buddy. Everywhere he goes, he does selfies on a stick. Seen that? He always walks around, “Let me take a selfie.” Let me ask. If a midget takes a selfie, would that be an “elfie”? And that’s why I’m goin’ second. Right there. That’s why. That’s material, right there. Here’s the thing that’s irritating to a lot of people. Fellas take pictures of their private parts and send it to girlfriends or wives. That’s stupid. It’s gonna wind up on the Internet, ’cause it goes up into cyber space in a million wiener pieces and people grab ’em wiener pieces. Put it on the Internet. Somebody actually released a naked picture of me on the Internet last year. The weird thing was, though, it’d come from one of them overhead traffic cameras. I must’ve been on a late night Arby’s run. I ain’t sure what the hell’s goin’ on. Lot of drinking going on in Vegas. I’m not a big drinker. I think the drunkest I’ve ever been in my whole life was Cinco de Mayo– Last year, August 16th. And, uh, I tell you what… One thing I don’t do though, is drink and drive. Very well. I’ve never done that well my whole life. You don’t wanna get caught drinking and driving. If you’re a celebrity, you’d make news. I remember the Cake Boss. Buddy Valastro got a DUI. Can you imagine the Cake Boss in jail? I wonder if he took it in the bundt. Took it in a bundt. Start the bus. Had a buddy of mine retiring from the military. We took him to Las Vegas. He got hammered one night. Picked up a redhead transvestite. I tried to stop him. I’m like, “Don’t do it. You don’t know–” Too late. He’d done it. Next morning, I see him hunched out on a bench. I’m, like, “Hey, how’d that work out for you last night?” He said, “It was weird. Not only did the drapes match the carpet, but I think I seen a curtain rod in there.” I loved the military. I was in Fort Benning, Georgia, here not long ago. [crowd whistles] Weird though. They didn’t want me to perform. They just wanted me to show up, show the troops what they used to look like before they went to boot camp. That’s why I went down there. I gotta lose some weight. [chuckles] My tapeworm had a heart attack last week. It ain’t funny. You know you gotta lose weight when you can use the back of your neck as a travel pillow. Ain’t my fault I gained a little weight. Foxworthy’s fault. All them dadgum Golden Corral commercials he does all the time. Pissed me off. And I love that Golden Corral. You’ve ever been to that buffet in there? Oh, good heavens, my toilet had to take a knee one night after I went in. That’s something else. Oh, dadgum. I could’ve pooped through a keyhole at 50 yards after I was in there. Dadgum thing. I love Golden Corral. These health food– Food police don’t like you eating in there either. They make up stories to keep you out– This irritated me. The other day, I’m on the Internet, there’s an icon there that says “Click on this. You’ll never eat at the Golden Corral again.” I’m like, “What’s this bullshit?” I click on it, it was me. I love that Golden Corral. I ate there last week so many times Chris Christie started following me on Twitter. All right. I like how they, I like how they have the sneeze guard on the buffet. They say that’s for your health. If they really cared about our health, they’d have an electric fence around the buffet in there. I know what that sneeze guard is. It’s to force the fat folks to get some exercise while they’re in there. ‘Cause they put all the good stuff toward the back of them sneeze guards. So the fat folks gotta do squats and stretches when they go down that buffet, down there. “Yeah, let me get that pudding, I like that pudding. Let me get them tater tots, I like ’em tater tots.” That’s right. Decent size fat fella can get three sets of 15 reps in there if he works hard enough. I seen a couple get married at the Golden Corral. I still remember the preacher, “I now pronounce you two freakin’ losers.” I was at the world’s largest Golden Corral in Branson, Missouri, you ever been to Branson? I like Branson. It’s fun. They got a lot of old folks down there, though. Good heavens, they had a show down there called Shake, Rattle and Roll. Turned out to be the audience trying to get to their seats. It’s bad, I performed down there. I made an old woman laugh so hard milk of magnesia come out of her nose. All right, I ain’t kidding– They got a lot of storms down there that crop up. It’s crazy, I was down there one year with my wife and my kids, and my brother and my sister-in-law… biggest, sumbitch you ever seen in your whole life. And about 270 pounds, four-foot-six. And, everywhere we went she was dressed in full camo, everywhere we went, looked like we was walking with a couple of acres. You know, everywhere I went down there. You know, some people got their name on their belt, she had everybody’s name on her belt. All right? She’s a big one. We were down there, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this tornado crops up, so the police car driving down the street with a megaphone is going, “Funnel cloud! Funnel cloud!” So we hauled out. She stayed out there. She thought they was yelling, “Funnel cake! Funnel cake!” She got hit dead on with a tornado, didn’t even budge her. She’s bawling, and I’m like, “What’s wrong, you hurt?” Turns out she’s pissed off ’cause the tornado blowed all the powder sugar off her funnel cake she had right there. Did a bunch with my kids, took them to the zoo down there. Pretty good zoo, I like zoos. You like zoos? I like good zoos. Have you been to a bad zoo with just regular critters? You know, like a bunny and a skunk, and goat, and a cow, you know? Crippled deer or whatever. Rhinoceros… is just some fat kid with a chocolate-covered banana strapped to his forehead. Which by the way is the worst job I ever had in my entire life. By the way, let me say that. Every time I go to the zoo all the good animals I wanna see are sleeping already. What the hell? It’s like Cosby got there 20 minutes before I did. What? Oh, come on. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are. Come on now, hey, I told that joke at the zoo and the hyenas laughed their ass off of that, all right. Weirdest thing I ever seen at the zoo was a bunch of penguins and nuns staring at each other. Took my wife and kids to the Wisconsin Dells to the water park up there. That’s right, you ever been to a water park? For all of y’all who ain’t been to a water park, picture everybody at Walmart with bathing suits on, all right. What the hell. That’s where I found out a wiener twister wasn’t a snack stand at the water park. Boy, they got some fast rides. They had one ride 70 miles an hour. You get up there… straight down… halfway down somebody’s under britches and swim trunks went flying by my head and I thought, that poor guy. They were mine. Aah! That’s one thing about a water park, nobody goes home with a dirty butt hole. I’ll guarantee you that much, right there. That’s right, it’ll clean you out good. Next time you can’t afford a water park just stand naked in front of a floor mirror and shoot your water pick up your hind end, all right? It’ll have the same effect. Almost got beat up at the water park. You believe that? I almost got beat up at the water park. I’m standing in line to get on this one water ride, there’s a dude clutching on this big ass inner-tube. I said, “Hey, where’d you get that inner-tube?” He said, “What?” I said, “That big ass inner-tube you got there.” He said, “That’s my wife, you son of a bitch.” [whispers] Sorry, I’m sorry. They got indoor water parks up there ’cause it’s so damn cold. What the hell? I know it’s cold here, you’ve been to Northern Wisconsin this summer? You know how long their summer lasts? Forty-eight minutes. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. I was just up there, I ain’t kidding with you. You could have played “this little piggy” with my nipples when I was up there. My wiener was like a bear, it went into hibernation for three days. I ain’t kidding, I could have flashed a cop and not gotten in trouble. I’m not kidding with you. You should have seen it, looked like a helmet sitting on shrubbery. If you looked real good at it. I wish my nipples and this would get together– My nipples love cold weather, my wiener hates it. I mean, it’s cold, they’re like, “Yes!” You know, he’s like– He sucked up in there. It’s embarrassing, I went to moon my cousin, looked like I was pooping a mushroom, all right, I’m not kidding with you. Don’t laugh at that, that’s not even funny. I don’t even know why you’re laughing at that. Flippin’ freezin’ there. Remember I was there, the bed bugs at the hotel called the front desk and requested extra blankets. I couldn’t believe it. I hate cold weather. I live in Nebraska, you talk cold, you know how cold it was at Thanksgiving in Nebraska? This a true story, there’s a knock on my door, 6:00 in the morning. It was a turkey wanting to borrow my deep fryer. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. It was freezing, my dog licked himself and got his tongue stuck. It was freezing, I had to wipe with an ice scraper. [laughs] All right, they’re not all funny but they’re in a row. All right, how’s that, so? I’m going for quantity, not quality here this evening. I like warm weather, that’s what I like. Bring on that global warming, that’s what I say. People getting nuts over that. Don’t they? “Man caused global– We need to do something about the way we livin’. We heating up the Earth,” “Oh, shut up.” “Well, you seen what happened in Washington D.C.? Twenty-seven inches of snow, explain that.” “All right, February, how’s that?” I ain’t Nostradamus, but I have a thing, I have a guess what’s gonna happen in July, too. Hot! All right. It’s gonna be hot in July. It’s stupid. I got a buddy of mine. “You go ahead and laugh. The Earth’s heated up seven-tenths of a degree in the last hundred years.” Well, what the hell? Go home and stab yourself in the face then, end it. Just end it if it’s that bad. How many people have ever gone outside in 100-degree weather and said, “Boy, I’ll tell you what. It feels three-quarters of a degree hotter out here this year than last year. There’s something going on in it.” I like that warm weather. I don’t like humidity, though, I lived in Florida for a long time and you get to sticking down there, good night. I had to shoot baby powder up there about every three minutes. I was down there in Florida, my mom had to make me a pair of boxer shorts out of a ShamWow when I was down there, I couldn’t believe it. It was so hot in Florida one time, my grandpa replaced his hemorrhoidal suppositories with Dilly bars. [laughs] Dilly bars. This show should have been 300 bucks a piece. All right, I’m telling you right now, that’s a 300-dollar joke right there. It’s hot in Florida in the summer. I remember in August one time, I had a buddy of mine about 420 pounds, he’s leaving a Target with a little plastic kiddie pool. I said, “You ain’t gonna fit in that to be cool.” He said, “No, the game’s on, that’s for bean dip.” I shouldn’t talk about fat folks, though, I got my own problems. I started losing me some weight two weeks ago ’cause I had a tragic event happen to me. Kicked my butt in gear and it sucks when you have to have a tragic event to make fat folk lose weight. For a lot of people it’s hard to tackle diabetes and then they– Let me tell you what happened two weeks ago. For the first time in my life, I had to show my titties to get out of a ticket. But I did see something that did change my life, I was reading an article the other day and it said, “Carbohydrates is the fastest way to the grave.” And I told my wife, right then after I read it. I said, “Sweetheart, mark this down on the calendar, right now, from now on, done. I’m not reading nothin’.” All right? I ain’t read nothin’ since. My wife has me on a diet now she come up with, called, “We’re not having sex till you lose weight diet.” That’s what she had me on. This is my impression of my wife when we’re making love. [muffled murmuring] I’ve tried a lot of stuff, tried a dietitian. They’re taking your money. I go see a dietitian, you know what he says? “Larry, you need to eat six times a day.” I do that now! If I eat one more time a day, you’re gonna see me at Walmart on a scooter wearing pajama jeans. All right, that’s ridiculous. Went to see a trainer. The trainer says to me, “How many pushups can you do?” I say, “I don’t know, regular or girl pushups?” He says, “Either one of ’em.” I said, “Neither one of ’em. All right, I can’t do either one of them.” I was on Nutrisystem in 2005, remember my Nutrisystem commercials? That’s right. I think they’re probably pretty pissed off at me about right now. [laughs] I’m bad for business I guess. I’m the only guy who’s ever gone from Nutrisystem commercials to heartburn medication, right here on stage. [laughs] I’m five pounds away from a sleep apnea contract. What the hell? No, look, Nutrisystem worked for ’em. I didn’t do it right. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat the packaging. All right, that’s my problem there. Prilosec OTC, God love ’em. They ain’t the first– First people who ever wanted me to do a commercial was 2003, Blue Collar TV. You know how they promote alternate fuels to be used. In 2003, they wanted me to test drive a truck. A pretty good-looking truck that ran on human waste. That’s true, I drove it for three days. What a piece of crap. Three days, no pun intended. I go to the Taco Bell drive through in that deal, flooded the engine, when I went through that deal. You believe that? It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. A buddy of mine had to come down there, give me a jump fart when I was down there at the drive-through. If you can find another comedian in the country with a punch line of “jump fart,” I will kiss your hind end right now in front of everybody. ‘Cause you’re never gonna find that. That’s right, that’s the kind of humor that gets the Grammy nominations right there. I like to hunt. I know there’s a lot of hunters up here. And… when I hunt, I do it a little different than most people. When I hunt, I dress all in orange from head to toe. And I hunt down by the Interstate. That way the deer just think I’m a prisoner picking up trash out there. For y’all that don’t hunt, did you know this, did you know a deer gets a new rack every year? Just like the Kardashians? Did you know that’s true right there? Had a buddy of mine, got in trouble. He was hunting, he called me up says, “I’m in jail.” I say, “What’s wrong.” He says, “I don’t know, the game warden put me in jail. It’s ridiculous.” I said, “What’d you do?” He says, “Nothing. I shot two wild turkeys, he put me in jail.” “He can’t do it just–” “No, I shot two wild turkeys. He put me in jail. He’s a communist.” I wanna go down, see what happened. I go down there about to raise a fuss. Turns out he did two shots of Wild Turkey and accidentally shot the game warden. All right, that’s what happened. And his cousin was in a car accident, his face is all disfigured. And he told me the other day, “I’m the ugliest man in the world. I just wanna kill myself.” I said, “Come on now, you ain’t…” so I wanted to cheer him up, so… I run him up to Walmart for a few hours. It worked, turns out he’s the 37th ugliest man in the world. There’s some ugly folks in my Walmart. Remember that website, the People of Walmart, remember that? I always thought that was hilarious. ‘Till I wound up on a site last year. Pissed me off. The one time a year I go to Walmart shopping wearing that pink unitard, they’re snapping pictures in there for the damned deal. I shouldn’t say there’s fat, big folks in my Walmart, but I will say this, yesterday the Junior Miss department just put in a potato bar, all right. I’ll say that much. They got some crazy shoppers. You wanna see some crazy shoppers? Have yourself a daggone garage sale. I had one garage sale, never again. Woman comes up, she goes, “Boy I like these boots. You got these in a size six?” “No, let me run in the back and check my inventory on these boots, all right.” And you never seen more cheap folks in your life than at a garage sale. Guy comes up and he says, “How much is this?” I go, “A dollar.” He goes, “Does it work?” It’s a dollar. What the hell, “Do you work?” What the hell? Here’s the guy that really pisses you off. This guy. “How much is this?” “Fifty cents.” “I’ll give you a quarter.” “I’ll give you a dime to get the hell off my property, all right.” I swear, you could put a ten dollar bill on the table, somebody offer you a 75 cents for that ten dollar bill. Here’s one thing I learned about a garage sale. Never invite your relatives, they’ll see all the gifts they got you the last 25 years up there at that table. “Hey, is that watch I got you last year?” “No, that watch you got me, I keep in the safe deposit box at the bank. Are you kidding me? You know, lot of people don’t got a Casio watch with a calculator on it no more. Another 5000 years, that’ll be worth two, 300 dollars. That’s somethin else.” People are nuts when it comes to shopping. I remember one time I had a couch I couldn’t get rid of so I put that on the curb, said, “Free to take.” Dadgum thing sat there ten days. So when I put a sign on it, “For sale, 2500 dollars” Dadgum thing got stolen that night. I hate shopping, especially the grocery store. I always get recognized up there. I went up two weeks ago. Took two hours to get the hell out. Caused a commotion. My wife says to me the other day, “Hey, let’s go up to the grocery store.” “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay home.” “Oh, come on, go to the grocery store with me.” “I don’t wanna go to the grocery store.” “Oh, you think you’re gonna get recognized? You think you’re so freak–” “All right, I’ll go to the–” Sure enough, as soon as I walk in, there’s the bag boy. “Hey, there’s that guy that was playing with himself in the produce department two weeks ago.” “I told you I didn’t wanna come in, what the hell? Told you, idiot. I didn’t wanna come in here.” I read an article in the paper the other day. Said old folks are sexually active all the way in their mid-90s. Ugh… What the hell? I couldn’t finish the article, though, it had vomit on it. Then I read this other thing, said they’re handing out free condoms to the old folks at the villages in Florida. The retirement community ’cause they’re rampant with sexual diseases and pregnancies. Never thought I’d see the day they handing out condoms to 90-year-old men, what the hell? I’ve seen my grandpa naked once, you’d think that’d be all the birth control you need. Right there, daggone it. “Grandpa, put some pants on, what the hell? Looks like a Slim Jim went through the dishwasher. That’s ridiculous. What the hell’s wrong with you?” What the hell? He’s pretty active, he’s dating this girl, she’s 87 years old. They came over to the house the other day, we was eating dinner, he goes, “You think she’s hot?” “Oh, yeah, I think she is now, Grandpa. Her face has been in the soup for ten minutes.” I shouldn’t make fun of old folks, I’ll be old one day. Sucks getting old, I’ll tell you what. You know you’re getting old when you sneeze and you poop a little. You know what I mean? That’s when you’re getting old. Bend down to tie your shoes and you poop a little, then you know you done. It’s almost like when you get old, the only time you can’t poop is when you’re trying to poop. Gotta go to the doctor all the time, I hate going to the doctor. I was at the doctor last time, I seen the craziest thing. A girl that walked in there, biggest woman I ever seen, she walked in there. “My stomach, oh, my stomach. What the hell is wrong with my stomach?” Turns out she’s pregnant, doesn’t even know it. Let me ask you something, how fat you gotta be to not realize you got a human being living inside your body? I mean, what the hell? I go to Taco Bell, I feel like I’m about to have triplets two hours later, all right. I’m not kidding, I actually went breech on a Chalupa three weeks ago. I really did, I really did. The doctor finally told her as she walked in there, “Oh, it’s colitis.” “Well, I don’t care what you name it, but it’s a boy.” All right, that’s right. I tell you what keeps me young though is my wife. My wife… growed up on a… 3500-acre Black Angus cattle ranch, Northern Wisconsin. And… You can never tell in a million years that my wife grew up on a cattle ranch by looking at her, ’cause she’s got a pig face. And… I’m kidding. Hey, my wife’s hot, all right. Anyway, she will be if she finds out about that joke I did on television. Now, I wouldn’t say that if she wasn’t good looking– My wife’s hot, I made love to my wife, this is how hot she is– First of all, she was eating a banana the other day, the banana kept getting bigger. But, that’s beside the point. I made love to my wife a record hour and four minutes. So there you go. That’s right, ‘course it was at Daylight Savings Time but, let me just say this, all right. Let me just say this… [muttering] Hey, but still that’s two hours more than normal. All right, there you go. My wife’s 14 years younger than me. Oh, boy, I will never forget when she told me her age the first time. I almost chocked on my pizza and dropped my game tokens. Let me tell you the one bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. Nothing. All right. Not a thing. That’s right. Sometimes, sex gets a little weird. ‘Cause she’s younger, you know. “Slow down a little bit. Come on now, this ain’t a prison visit. Slow down there.” She always wants to try something new. “Where should we make love at tonight?” “I don’t care, as long as I’m on a heating pad. All right, that’s all I care about.” We got our anniversary coming up, our 11-year. Last year, July 3rd, was our ten-year, you have to go to the gift chart to see what to get her. You know how they got the anniversary gift chart, you know, 25 silver, 50 gold. You know, that whole deal. So, I think they ought to add some kind of a sexual component to that gift chart. You know, the more sex you have the better the gift is every year. I think that’s a good incentive program right there. “Hey, sweetheart, it’s our 11-year anniversary comin’ up next week. I’m gonna get you something, let me look at the gift chart. So, 11 years, all right. Had sex three times this year. Hey, look at that. You get the walkie-talkies. Look at that. That’s nice. That’s right, or you can have anything on the bottom shelf there, too. That’s pretty good, too. I like that. I like that John Fogerty mirror, that’s a nice mirror right there. Can have that. Some Blackhawk slippers, them’s nice. You don’t see a lot of Blackhawk slippers like that.” Seventy-five years is diamonds. A little old for diamonds at that point. Hey, Grandma, them earrings go good with the pudding on your chin. My wife’s birthday, she wanted a facial. Went to one of them fancy hotels, got her one of ’em spa visits. I go in there, she got cucumber slices on her face. I’m like, “What the hell?” She goes, “That takes the wrinkles out of your eyes.” “No kidding, cucumber slices? What did they do with the rest of the cucumber?” Well, evidently, that’s another 100 dollars. You know what I got my wife last Mother’s Day? Stripper pole. Had it installed in the bedroom. When she come home, she seen it, Git-R-Done. And then for Father’s Day… she gave me a ride up to the hospital to get that pole removed from my hind end. You guys been awesome, thank you so much, Minnesota. Thank you, we loved comin’ up here, Git-R-Done. I’m gonna bring Jeff Foxworthy back out, everybody. Jeff Foxworthy! There he is. Larry. Take care, y’all, thank you. Git-R-Done! Thanks, y’all. God bless you, be safe. Oh! That’s Minnesota-cold, buddy. Chilly. Oh, man. I’m glad I wore the sleeves.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-son-of-patricia-transcript/

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL [distant traffic] LIVE NATION PRESENTS TREVOR NOAH [presenter] Beautiful people, put your hands together for Trevor Noah. [shouting and whooping] [hip hop intro music] [applause] What’s going on, Los Angeles? [louder cheering] Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for being here. This is so much fun. Welcome out. Oh, look at all of you. This is so dope. I love LA. I love everything about LA. Even the things people hate about LA, I love. I love the traffic in LA. It’s like one of my favorite experiences. Yeah, when you don’t live here, it’s great. It’s wonderful. Because you get to be a part of it, but it’s not yours forever. It’s like another person’s child, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, you get to be like, “This is crazy. Have it back.” -That’s what it feels like. [laughter] I love it, man. [indistinct shout] I love the vibe. You know? I love driving out here. You know. And while I’m out here, I get to listen to the radio, you guys have great radio stations because you’re always in your cars. In New York– Radio’s not a big thing for me living in New York. I ride my bicycle, walk the streets. I can’t listen to music because I’ll die. -Um… [laughter] But in LA, that’s all I do. I just listen to music. Now, these days when you’re driving, all you hear is trap music. That’s the big thing you hear, is trap. That’s the new music on the radio. It’s really fun. Trap. I don’t understand what they’re saying, but I enjoy it. [laughter] Every single song is the same. Every trap song to me sounds like a toddler complaining about life. That’s all I hear when I listen to trap songs. Every time a trap song plays on the radio, I think of my little brother, he’ll go outside and hurt himself. He’ll come back crying, it sounds like every single trap song ever. He’ll walk in like… [imitates child sobbing] I’ll be like, “Yo, Isaac, what happened?” [imitates sobbing] [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [whoops] [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [continued nonsense] And I’ll be like, “Yo, yo ,yo, dude, slow down.” [laughter and applause] I thought you were playing with your friends. What happened?” ♪ All my friends are dead ♪ ♪ Push me to the edge ♪ ♪ All my friends are dead now ♪ ♪ Push me to the edge now ♪ [sings nonsense] “Go talk to your mom. I don’t know what you’re saying. Talk to your mom.” Ah… The City of Angels, I love every moment, man. I’m enjoying myself. I just got back from vacation. So I’m having a great time. You got that vacation swag, you’ve still got that thing. You know, you still feel loose. You feel relaxed. I went to Bali on vacation. [audience oohs] Out in Indonesia. Yeah, if you’ve never been, make a plan and get out there. It’s an amazing place. Uh, I went out with some of my friends, learned a few things about myself as a person. The most important thing I learned is somebody needs to invent a TripAdvisor specifically for black people. Right? No, because just generally, I find that what white people want to do on vacation, is what black people are trying to escape. [laughter] And not in a bad way. We just want different things out of life. Like my white friends are always inviting me camping, for instance. Always. With enthusiasm. Like, “Trevor wanna go camping, dude?” I’m like, “Why?” [rising laughter] I was like, “Dude. What do you mean, ‘Why?’ It’s amazing. Are you kidding me? No water, no electricity, you know? It’s just us and the great outdoors, you’ve got to take a dump in the hole in the floor or something, dude.” I’m like, “Yeah, that was my life. [laughter] That was me growing up. You know how hard I worked to never go camping again?” [applause] Every day! [whooping] Every day. Every day I wake up in my bed, and I’m like, “Thank God I’m not camping.” [laughter] If my family saw pictures of me camping, they would be devastated. If my grandmother saw me out in the woods, [crying] she’d be like, “What happened to Trevor? I thought he was successful. Oh! [imitates sobbing] It must be the crack.” Ah. [sobs] I won’t go camping. So, I went with my friends to Bali. They planned the trip. And uh, before we went, I asked my friend I was like, “Yo, Mitch, what are we going to be doing? He was like, “Don’t ask questions, Trevor. It’s just gonna be a great time.” I was like, “I want to know what the great time is going to be about.” He was like, “Dude, don’t ask questions.” -I should have asked questions. -[laughter] Because we had fun. But there were a few things that were weird that I wouldn’t necessarily do on my own. For instance, on the third day of the trip, we had what was planned, what was billed in our itinerary as an authentic Balinese experience. That’s what they called it, “an authentic Balinese experience.” What they did was, they woke us up at 5 a.m., put us in a little bus, and we drove for three hours. And when we got there, we get out of the bus, in the middle of what looks like a remote village, and a little tour guide, really happy, way too happy for that time, and he’s like “Welcome, everybody. Are you ready for a good time?” And I’m like, “Yeah.” And so he’s like, “My name is Dang Basaan and I’m going to be your guide. Today, you will have an authentic Balinese experience. So exciting! Follow me.” And so we follow him, and he walks up to a little door. and I’m like, “This is going to be like a temple or cave…” And he’s like, “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the real Bali.” and he opens the door, into somebody’s house. This is not a museum house, this is just a house. Someone lives there every single day. He opens the door and he’s like, “This is the home of someone in Bali. [rising laughter] He eats here. He sleeps here.” -I’m like, “Does he know we’re here?” [laughter] We didn’t knock. Nobody answered the door. For all I know, we’re breaking and entering right now. We’re in some weird Balinese gang. I don’t know how this works. And as I’m about to ask the question, he turned and he’s like, “Over here you can see the owner of the house. He’s in the corner.” We turn, and there’s a man. The whole time, just sitting there. Frozen stiff. And I’m like, “Is this guy part of this?” I don’t know if we should be doing this or should not be doing this?” And Dang Basaan turns to him, starts speaking in Balinese. He’s like… [pretends to speak Balinese] -“Okay, you can touch anything.” -[laughter] And so I’m like, “I don’t think we should–” Before I can even finish, the people in our tour group were like, “Yeah! Touch it all. [exaggerated voice] Oh my God. Touch it all. Oh my God, does he sleep here? Oh, wow. Is this where he eats? Oh, my God, I could never do this. Oh, my God. Excuse me. Thank you so much for having us. Oh, my God, I appreciate my life so much more right now. Thank you so much. This is horrible. Can we take a selfie? [laughter] Thank you. Are you on Instagram? I’ll just put hashtag “the man.” Thank you. Oh my God.” So I’m really awkward right now, Right, um… because this is like something culturally I’m not supposed to be doing. As an African person, I should not be in somebody’s house rummaging through their life. So I’m standing in the corner really uncomfortable. And the owner of the house is really accommodating, he’s friendly. You know. He’s like, “Yes, thank you. Enjoy. Enjoy. Thank you.” And then he turns and looks at me. And this was one of the most magical moments, right, because he was smiling at everyone else and his face completely changed when he turned. He was all hospitable, like, “Yes, thank you. Thank you.” [laughter] And with his eyes, he proceeded to have the most in-depth conversation with me that I’ve ever had. It’s not like the eyes conversation was new to me. You can have an eyes conversation with anyone you have a connection with. It could be somebody of the same race when you’re in public. Er, it could be like a husband and wife. Wives are good at having eyes conversations. They’ll like shit on you hard. You’ll be in public together, and you’ll say something off– You’ll be like, “If only she did that.” She’ll be like, “Hell no. I cannot believe you said–” But it’s just eyes. “I cannot believe you said all that. Wait until the next– You want to air our dirty laundry in public? You’ll see how this is going to end. You say this and enjoy this moment right now, because it’s over.” And you’re like, “I shouldn’t have done that.” All with eyes. Right? That’s what he did to me. Because one minute he’s smiling at everybody, and then he turns and looks at me. And with his eyes, he was like, “What are you doing here?” So with my eyes, I was like, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was your house. They said it was an authentic experience. That’s why I came.” He was like, “Yeah, authentic for white people. You’ve got your own poor. Go back to where you came from.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah, I shouldn’t be here, man. I’m sorry.” [low laughter] So I left. I go outside. About 15 minutes later, everyone’s done with their poverty porn, so they come and join me. [laughter] Um… Dang Basaan follows the crowd. And he’s having a blast. You can tell. He walks out and says, “Everyone have a great time? I know you enjoyed that. Now, it’s time for a special surprise. Follow me, everybody, to the back.” And he takes us to the back of the house, right. Where there’s this area they’ve laid out, where clearly they have some sort of performance. There’s a stage, there’s raked seating. He tells us to find our seats, so we all sit down. There’s people from all over the world in our tour group. Myself, my American friends, some British people. There’s a French family. A dad and his son. They sit next to me. So I sit in the front row. And Dang Basaan comes back out. And all of a sudden, he’s wearing a giant Balinese headdress. Looking really beautiful, you know. He looks at us and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for an authentic Balinese experience? Please welcome the snakes of Bali.” -I’m like, “The what?” -[laughter] I’m like, “Oh, he said snakes.” The snakes of Bali– And I look, and there’s snakes. There’s a group of men gathering snakes to bring out to us. And so I’m like, “Yeah, no. No, I don’t.” No, because you see as a black person, culturally, I’m trying to not die. So… I take all my stuff and start packing it. And the French guy turns to me and he’s like, [French accent] “My friend, where are you going? The show.” I said, “Yeah. No, the guy said there’s snakes coming, so I’m going to move. I’m gonna go to the back.” He said, “You are moving because of the snake?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “Why are you moving for the snake, my friend? Are you afraid of a snake?” -I said, “Yeah. [laughter] That’s exactly what I am, afraid of the snakes.” He said, “Such a big man, but you are afraid of a snake?” I said, “Yeah with a big brain, that’s why I’m afraid.” It’s a snake. You’re not going to trick me into not being afraid of a snake. My toxic masculinity is not so high that I’ll be like, ” Yeah, you know what man, come on, Snakey. Come on.” [shouts] It’s a snake! Instead of just letting it go, this guy turns. He’s like, “I cannot believe it, a big man like this. Jean-Pierre–” He talks to his son. [makes up French words] And this kid’s like “ha, ha, ha!” [exaggerated] “Snake. Snake!” And he’s like, “Oui, oui, snake. Are you afraid? Snake. What is this? It’s a snake. Snake.” And these two carry on for like 15 seconds non-stop. Right. Just back and forth. “Snake, snake, snake,” the whole time. He’s like, “Snake. Are you scared? Snake.” I’m like, “Whatever man, you guys lost all your wars.” So I go to the back. -[Loud laughter] -Right. -I don’t have time for this. [whooping] I don’t have time for this, because there’s snakes. So, I go to the back, take all my stuff. I climb up and I’m sitting at the top, because I want to see the show, I just don’t want to be a part of it. So I’ve got my stuff. I move all the way up to the top. I sit there. As I get there, the show starts. And Dang Basaan’s really excited and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your first performer, the powerful Python.” And a dude comes out with a giant python wrapped around him. Alright. And this guy had this cool trick where the python would squeeze him really tight. Super tight. So tight, you could almost hear his bones cracking. Alright. And then he’d make a sound. He’d be like… -Eeh. [laughter] And the snake would let go. Then it’d start squeezing him again, and he’d be like… eeh. And the snake would let go. It would squeeze him again and he’d make the same sound, like… eeh And the snake would let go. I was like, “This is dope. This is cool. Yeah, we’re in a consensual relationship. I like this. This is uh…” So he leaves with the snake. The next performer comes out, and this guy had a green mamba with him, right? And so Dang Basaan is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, the green mamba.” This guy comes out and he had a cool trick where he took the lid off the basket the green mamba would come out and it would start doing a little move. And then someone would play music and then the snake charmer would dance with the snake. They’d do the same moves, like a Justin Timberlake video, just the two of them back and forth. I was like, “That was dope.” The snake goes back in. And then Dang Basaan came out one final time. He was like, “Now, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the final part of the show? Please welcome The King Cobra.” The final performer comes out with a cobra. Puts the snake down. Lifts the lid, snake comes out. And I don’t know what it was about the snake. But you could feel the energy change, like. They were all snakes, but this snake looked mean. You know? Like it looked like it hated life. There was something about it. This snake looked like it had a mortgage. [laughter] Because it looked at us, and then fixed its eyes on the charmer. He was really cool and calm. He didn’t even look at the snake. He addressed us. He was like “Ladies and gentlemen. They say the cobra can strike faster than the man can blink. But can a man move faster than the snake can think?” And I’m like oooh… -“I don’t know what that means, [laughter] but I’m in.” Because it sounds like a dumb Instagram quote, but I’m in. And this guy had the most amazing trick. What he did was he got right up close to the snake, and he put his hands behind his back. And then, he would make it seem like he was going to kiss the snake. And the snake will be no further than like a foot from his face. And then he would make this sound like a kissing sound. As he made the sound, the snake would try to bite him, and he moved away. I’ve never seen anything like it. But he leaned in, and he’s like, “Come on, snake.” [puckering sound] [kissing sound] [hisses] “Too slow, snakey. Try again. [puckering sound] [hisses] No love for you, my friend. Come on, snakey.” And all of us are enthralled. Every single one of us. No one’s making a sound, no one’s moving. And he does it over and over again. And then, to take it to the next level, he closes his eyes, pouts his lips, and I guess, at this point, the snake was probably like, “I think I figured this out. This dude’s going to make the sound and then he’s going to move. But if I bite before the sound, I can change everyone’s lives.” Because that’s exactly what the snake does. [surprised laughter] The guy closes his eyes, pouts his lips. Before he can make the sound, the snake strikes him. -Pa! Bam! [audience gasps] Hits him on the mouth. Right? Cuts his lip open, blood goes spraying everywhere. Now, that should be the end of the story, the craziest part of the story. No, this is the middle. [laughter] The snake hits him on the mouth. The blood goes spraying. This guy jumps back, and then acts like he didn’t just get bitten by a snake. Which makes us think we’re crazy, because we all saw it. Everyone in the audience was like [gasps] And then he jumps back, and he just shakes it off. You know what he did? He did that thing that people do when they get their hand jammed into a car door or something? Like it slammed, and there’s a [slam sound] And people will just be like mmm… He did that, but with a snake. So the snake hits him, the blood sprays, and he jumps back and he’s like mmm… [laughter] “Don’t worry. We’re fine. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Everybody, we’re fine. Relax, relax, we are fine.” But we weren’t fine. You know, how we know this? Because his face started melting on the one side. Right? So his face starts melting, his lips start turning blue and he goes back to do his kiss trick again, but he can’t even stand and he looks at the snake. The snake looks at him, and he’s like “Okay, show is done. Goodnight everybody. Goodbye. “Goodbye.” He runs off. And all of us now are like, “What the hell just happened?” He runs off, I have questions in my head. Like is he going to be okay? Do we get our money back? How does this work? And then we turn back and we realize. He’s forgotten his snake. [surprised laughter] And you know what the worst thing was? It seemed like the snake realized the same thing at the same time. Because the snake also watched him leave and then as we turned back, the snake was also like, “Oh shit.” And so now, it’s just us, and the snake. And mind you, there’s no barrier, right. There’s no concrete. There’s no glass. There’s nothing. It’s an authentic Balinese experience. So we’re all staring at the snake. The snake is staring at us. And then, one genius decided now would be the perfect time to get an Instagram picture. And I don’t know if it was the camera, the sound, or the flash. All I heard was “click,” and the snake jumped up and was like… [hisses] And we were all like… arghhhh. And then it was chaos. Pandemonium ensued. Don’t forget, I was at the back. So I just jumped. I was like, “Being black saved me!”I [applause] I was out. [whooping] Panic ensued. Everyone jumps up, people are trying to scramble trampling over each other. The French guy was my favorite, he jumps up, and he was like, “Sacre bleu!” [speaking French] Le serpent, le serpent! [shouting] “Allez, Jean-Pierre, allez.” And he’s pushing the people and running. “Allez! Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre.” And when he turns, his son hasn’t moved, right? So, little Jean-Pierre is planted to the spot, terrified. And you see his face like, “Papa! Papa!” He was like, “Allez, Jean-Pierre. Mon ami.” Papa! Papa! And so the dad realizes he’s got to go back in and save his kid. But this is one of those moments where you can see the fundamental difference between mothers and fathers. Right? Because a mother would run in without thinking, and she would be like, “I will die for my child. Strike me now, snake.” Right, that’s moms. Dads will save their kid, but in the back of their head, they’re thinking, “I’m going to save my kid. But I don’t want to die. I mean– I don’t want to die because this dumbass didn’t know to run when his dad was running. I mean, there’s a snake and I start running, why wouldn’t you run at the same time? Now I’ve got to die for your dumb ass, which makes no sense, because I can make another one of you, you can’t make another one of me. I should just make you a brother and we can mourn your dumbass death together. I don’t know why we’re doing this right now.” I think that’s what the dad was thinking. Because he didn’t fully commit. Instead, he tried to sneak in behind his kid. Then he grabs the back of his hoodie and yanks him to safety. So now, little Jean-Pierre’s choking on the ground. [choking sounds] Papa! And he finally gets him to the side. Another snake charmer comes running out, grabs the snake, puts it in the sack, and finally danger is averted. Everybody’s safe. Everyone is safe but terrified. Some people are crying, others are in shock. I’m standing on the side, watching all of this. Little Jean-Pierre is with his dad, both in tears. “Desolé mon ami. Desolé Jean-Pierre” Papa! [makes up French sounds] And I don’t speak French, but I know this kid was like, “You asshole, you left me. I’m going to tell Mom.” [applause] And so, I’m staring at them, and I guess they could feel that I was staring. So they both stopped at the same time. And they turned and looked at me and I looked at them. And in that moment, in that moment I realized we’re all human beings. We all experienced the same thing, we went through the same trauma. No matter what happened to us before, we are all human beings. They looked at me, I could see in their eyes what they’d just experienced, what I experienced. And in that pause, I bent down, and I got real close to them and I was like, “Snake.” [whooping] [content sigh] [prolonged applause] That’s how racism starts. But you know what? It was worth it. Yeah, it was worth it. [exhales] I love traveling, man. I love traveling, learning about places. Reading things and meeting new people. I er… When I think about the history of racism– I’m fascinated by racism as a concept, you know, as an action, a policy… All of it fascinates me. I read these stories in history. And one of the most fascinating things I read about recently, one of the most fascinating places, was a place called, Rochester, New York. Where– Genuinely, this blew my mind, they had a city which was basically dedicated to rehabilitating people who had escaped slavery. So, black people who escaped the South, gone into the North, were rehabilitated at this place. Frederick Douglass wrote many of his works there. the suffragette movement kicked off there. It’s a powerful little place. I was reading these stories, and what they would do is, slaves would escape from the South, they’d make their way to the North. Get to Rochester, the Underground Railroad got them there. And then they would rehabilitate them, put them on boats, and send them to Canada so that they could live free. And I was like, “That’s a fascinating story,” for two reasons: one, it reminds you there were a lot of good people, white people, out there. I often get angry at white people then I’m like, “No, there’s good ones. Calm down.” Um… And the second part of it that was amazing was that they convinced black people to get back on boats. I think [applause] that’s one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever read. Because, do you know how convincing you’d have to be to convince someone who’s just escaped slavery? Think about that for a second. Somebody’s just escaped slavery. They’ve made their way there finally, they wake up after one night of free sleep, and they walk out and it’s just like, “Hey, man. I just want to say thank you so much for everything you did for me, man.” “You know what, my friend? Nobody deserves to live how you lived, and I’m glad we got you out.” “Thank you so much. I appreciate you, brother.” “Thank you, my friend. Okay, all we’ve got to do now is get you some paperwork, get you cleaned up, put you on a boat, get you to Canada, and you can live a free life. Everything will be better.” “I’m sorry. Hold up. Er… Yeah, could you– Come again? You? What did you say?” “I know the paperwork thing is weird, but we’ve got to get you some identification.” “No, you said something about a boat?” “We’ll put you on a boat to get you to Canada.” “Yeah. No, I don’t– Yeah, we don’t do boats no more. I don’t know if you know our history but me and my people, we took a cruise one time. That shit didn’t go so well. So yeah, we’ve got to find another way to get to Canada if you don’t mind.” “But the boat is the best way for us to get there from Rochester.” “Yeah, that might be the best way for y’all. But we gon’ walk. Hell we can run, we can run real good. We can run, but we ain’t getting on no boat.” “My friend, you’ve got to get on the boat.” “Man, I ain’t got to do shit. I just got free. Imagine if I get on that boat, and on the other side it’s the same? What will they say to me? -‘Why’d you get on the boat?’ -‘He was real nice.’ Hell no! I ain’t getting on no boat.” “You’ve got to get on the boat, though. You’re free now. You’ve got to get over this.” “Maybe one day, in a few hundred years, one of my descendants named Kanye West will be over this shit, but I ain’t over it now. [loud laughter and applause] So, I ain’t getting on no boat.” [shouting] “We got to get you on the boat, dammit.” “I’m not getting on no boat.” And that was the day the phrase, “N i g g a, please” was invented. [loud laughter] [whooping laughter] The white man turned and went, “N i g g a, please, I need you on that boat.” And that story was passed down generation to generation, black person to black person, free man to free man. “And that white man got down on his knees, and he said, ‘N i g g a, please.'” -“N i g g a please?” -“N i g g a, please. I ain’t never heard that phrase before in my life. -N i g g a, please… N i g g a please. -N i g g a, please?” I know that’s probably a phrase Barack Obama used at least once in the White House. At least once. Like, “Mr. President, do you think Trump is because of you? -Do you think you caused this?” -“N i g g a, please.” Just one time, one time. I know he used it. Actually, I had the pleasure of meeting President Obama while he was in office. Probably one of the craziest experiences I’ve ever had in my life. Yeah, I was… [cheering] It came out of nowhere. It came out of nowhere. I was at The Daily Show, I was in my office and I got a phone call from the administration. And someone on the other end was like, “Hi, Trevor. Would you like to interview the President of the U.S. in the White House?” And I was like, “Do you ask stupid questions?” I was like, “Of course I want to meet the President of the United States. Are you serious?” And the day finally came. I went to DC with my TV crew. And they set us up in a room, which was literally opposite the Oval Office. We put all our cameras in place. All we’re doing now is waiting for the President to arrive. So we’re staring at the door with baited breath. And the reason we’re staring is they don’t give you an exact time of the President’s arrival, for his safety. So they just give you a window, like the cable guy. [laughter] So we’re all waiting there, listening to every footstep, every moment, and then he just popped in behind us, scared the shit out of everybody. Yeah. There’s a secret door, but they don’t tell you. Again for safety. Right. We’re staring at the door and suddenly he’s like, “Hello.” I was like… arghhh! But I had a great time in the interview with him. He was really kind to everyone in the room, and then we turned off the cameras, and I promise you, he became even nicer, we just had a conversation. I thought he’d leave. He’s President of the U.S., he’s got to go do something. And he just chilled for a bit, you know? And we spoke as human beings, and it went really well until he turned to me and he said, “Trevor, I’ve got a show that I’m doing in a few weeks, a little thing, I thought maybe you’d want to pop by and perform, if you don’t mind.” I said, “Mr. President, I would be honored. Just let me know when and where. What’s the show going to be for, sir?” He said, “Trevor, I’m doing a little thing for my aides, and I thought maybe you’d want to be there.” I said, “I would love to, thank you. I’m sorry, a show for what?” He said, “For my aides, Trevor.” I said, “You have AIDS?” [laughter] And then– And then he explained what he meant. And I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. [loud laughter] Because I had just looked at the President of the United States, and asked him if he had AIDS. And the worst thing is that he was nice to me as well. ‘Cause I said that and then he explained and I was like, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I don’t even know why– You said “aides”, and then AIDS…” Because, here’s the thing. In my defense, I get it now. He means aides, as in the White House aides the people who help the President. I get it now. But in my defense, where I’m from AIDS is some other shit that doesn’t help anybody. No one in Africa is walking around saying, “Let me introduce you to my AIDS.” So now I’m here. I’m frazzled. I’m like, “Mr. President, I’m so sorry. [speaking fast] I didn’t mean that. You don’t have AIDS, even if you did there’s nothing wrong with having AIDS. There’s no stigma. Actually, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m so sorry.” He was like, “Trevor, Trevor, calm down, Trevor. Trevor, Trevor calm down.” “I’m so sorry, Mr. President, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m the dumbest person you ever met. He was like, “Trevor, Trevor,” “I’m the dumbest person you’ve ever met.” He was like, “No, Trevor that’s not true. I’ve met Trump.” [loud laughter] Get out of here! [cheering] So smooth. I’m used to it in life, though. This is something that commonly happens to me, living in the US. You know. I understand it as an idea. If you move to another country, you’re probably gonna have to learn another language. I didn’t realize that would happen in America, because I speak English. But here, people speak American. Similar, but not the same. Alright? Like small things change, small things. I accept that, small things like pronunciation. For instance the thing you drink, I call that “water”. Yes, water, in American you say “wadder”. Right? “Wadder”. Yeah. I say “water” because there’s a T in the word. Right? Erm… The glass you see yourself in every morning, I refer to that as “a mirror”. Yeah? Alright? In American you say “Ameer”, right? “Ameer”, which is not the same thing to me. A mirror is the glass, Ameer is a Middle Eastern man, very different experience. It’s not the same thing. That’s just pronunciation, right. You also have to learn the meanings of words that you already knew when you move to America. For instance, where I’m from there’s a garment that men commonly wear under their shirts. It’s white and it’s sleeveless. Where I’m from, we refer to this as a “vest”. Okay? I’ve now learned, in American, it is known as a “wife beater”. -Yeah, I have so many questions. -[laughter] And so the best and worst experience I had learning American happened to me when I actually first moved to the US. I lived in California, in Pasadena when I first came to the United States, right. and the reason I lived in Pasadena is because that’s where I knew my first American friend, a guy by the name of David Meyer. He came to South Africa to film a documentary. We became the best of friends and one day we were hanging out in Dave’s apartment. Dave’s chilling on his bean bag, and he looks over at me and he’s like, [puts on Californian accent] “Trevor, dude, [sounding stoned] I don’t know about you right now, but I’m starving.” I said, “I think you mean you’re hungry, Dave.” He said, “What?” I said, “It doesn’t matter, what you want to eat?” [laughter] He said, “You know what I’m craving right now, man? I’m craving tacos.” I said, “That sounds like fun. Let’s do it, man. Let’s go to Tacos.” “What?” “Isn’t that the restaurant you’re craving? Tacos?” “Are you being serious right now? You’ve never had tacos?” “No, I don’t know what tacos is.” [raising voice] “You’ve never had tacos?” “My answer hasn’t changed from now, Dave. No.” -“I’ve never had tacos.” -“You’ve never had tacos?” And by the way, I hate it when people do that. You know when people ask you the same question over and over again, they can’t believe you haven’t had the same life experience? You know that thing they do? With everything, “Oh my God, have you heard the new Beyoncé?” -No. -You haven’t heard the new Beyoncé? -No, I haven’t– -You haven’t heard the– ? Oh no, now I have. No, I’d never had tacos, right. I’d never had tacos, because in South Africa, we don’t really have Mexican food. We don’t have Mexican food, because we don’t have Mexicans. They never came over. It’s not my fault. Dave was personally offended. I’ll never forget, he jumped up and he was like, “Dude. I cannot believe you’ve been in America all this time and you’ve never had tacos.” I said, “Dave why is it such a big deal?” He’s like, “Because, Trevor, nothing says America like tacos.” [whooping and applause] I said, “Really? Nothing says America like Mexican food?” And, you know, what’s funny is I feel like in that moment, Dave was being profound. He didn’t even realize it, but that was a profound little nugget that he had just espoused. Nothing says America like tacos. I’ve had the privilege of traveling everywhere in this beautiful country. I’ve been to places like Erie, Pennsylvania; El Paso, Texas; Honolulu, Hawaii, you know. I’ve been everywhere, and one thing I’ve learned across the board in America, is that Americans love tacos. applause] Everywhere you go, Americans love tacos. Love tacos. Even people you wouldn’t expect. I was watching the news one day, and there was a guy at a rally, and they were asking him about immigration and families being separated, etc. And this guy, regardless of his politics, he was being really mean and xenophobic, and racist. You know, just acting real presidential. And the journalist asked him, the journalist asked him about children and he just went straight in, he was like, “Boy, I tell you what, I don’t give a damn about any of these goddamn Mexicans. They came over here. They ain’t supposed to be here, boy. Wooo! It’s our country now, you hear? That’s right, boy. Go back to where you came from. Wooo! These Mexicans ain’t done nothing good. Ain’t brought nothing good to America. We don’t need y’all. Come on, Bubba. It’s Taco Tuesday.” Get out of here, but leave the recipes. [laughter] I feel like there should be a rule in America, they should say, you can hate immigrants all you want, but if you do, you don’t get to eat their food. -[cheering] -Yeah? [whooping] That’s a fair exchange to me. You hate immigrants, -no immigrant food. [applause] And when I say no immigrant food, I mean no immigrant food. Nothing. No Mexican food. No Caribbean food. No Dominican food. No Asian food. Nothing. Only potatoes. [laughter] And I’m not even saying flavored potatoes. I’m saying plain potatoes. No spice. Because no immigrants, no spice. Don’t ever forget that. Both figuratively and literally, no spice. And I know some people would take that. I know. I know people now who’d be like, You know what? Take your immigrants, take your spice and get the hell out of here. You say that now, because you’ve never lived a life without spice. But don’t ever forget. A life without spice was so hard, so hard, that it made white people sail around the world to find it. [whooping] And like… [whistling and applause] This wasn’t regular sailing, this wasn’t like a Disney cruise. These people sailed at a time when they believed if you went that way, you would fall off the edge of the Earth and die. And still, some man out there was eating some white ladies cooking and he was like, [English accent] “I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m sailing that way.” “But what if you die?” “At least it’s exciting.” No immigrants, no spice. And definitely no tacos. I know my friend Dave would never allow that. I’ve never seen him so passionate. He gave me a speech about tacos like he was the heir to a taco dynasty. Finally, he turned to me and said, “As your friend and as an American, I’m going to make sure that you get tacos if it’s the last thing I ever do!” I was like, “Why don’t we just go now?” He was like, “That’ll work.” You know what my favorite part of any conversation is? When people think you’re gonna argue with them, but you agree and they’ve already chosen anger. Because nobody just changes their tone. Everyone has to stick in the anger for a while because they think it makes them seem less crazy. It happens in relationships all the time. You’ll have a fight that’s not a fight. You know? You’ll be like, “Goddamnit Karen, every time I ask for support, you’re not there for me, and it hurts me sometimes.” “You know what, Bob, I’m sorry.” “No, don’t try and– Thank you very much. I didn’t think you would apologize and so I chose this tone. And now I feel like an idiot. I’m going to leave the room and reset.” I wasn’t going to fight, I want to have tacos. Let’s go get tacos, Dave. So we rolled together, jumped into the car. And so we drove for about 20 minutes. To what I thought was going to be a restaurant. [nervous laughter] Instead, Dave pulls over into an abandoned parking lot. [whooping] He kills the engine, looks over at me and goes, “Alright, dude. We’re here.” I was like, “Where, at my murder scene?” He was like, “No dude, we’re getting tacos. Over there.” He points, in the corner of the parking lot was a truck. A food truck, which I’ve learned is common in America. Some of the best food you find is on a food truck. But at that point in time, you’ll have to forgive me, I was little bit apprehensive. Okay? I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of getting food from an establishment -that wouldn’t be there the next day. -[laughter] I feel like there’s a certain level of accountability that comes with permanence. Dave was adamant, though. He’s like, “You gotta get it from a truck. That’s how you know it’s real.” I was like, “Let’s just get this over with, let’s do it.” So I hop out of the car, walk up to the truck, and it was definitely a taco truck, because there was a sign above it flashing that read “Tacos”. Tacos. [neon lightbulb sound] Tacos. [neon lightbulb sound] By the way, weird piece of trivia about me as a person, I hate signs that flash but don’t change. Yeah, I always feel like a sign shouldn’t be allowed to flash unless it intermittently changes to some other information. Otherwise, I think that’s wasted suspense. It should be illegal. It always catches my eye and then I wait for something else, Like, “Tacos” and “Tacos”. And what else? “Tacos.” Anything else? “Tacos.” [shouting] Just stay on Tacos. Anyway, now I’m irritated. I walk up to the truck. I get there, this little dude pops out. He was a completely different mood to me. You could tell. He popped his head out, “Hey, how you doing, man? [Mexican accent] You want some tacos?” I said, “It would be awkward if we didn’t.” He says, “What? Oh, yeah. Of course man, of course, but you never know. Maybe you want something else. Yeah?” I said, “What else do you have, my friend?” He said, “Nothing man, it’s a taco truck.” I said, “Oh, thank you. That’s a moment of my life I’ll never get back. Thank you very much.” He said, “No, no, no. [speaking Spanish] Calma-te, man. I just don’t want to waste your time. You want tacos, let’s do tacos. How many tacos you want, my friend?” I said, “I don’t know how many tacos to get. I’ve never had tacos before.” “You’ve never had tacos?” -I said, “No, I haven’t.” -“You’ve never… had tacos?” I was like, “You should meet my friend Dave.” Because I’m not going to order food when I don’t know what it is. Okay, I don’t know what the quantities are. I don’t know what tacos are, what a taco is. I don’t know what a taco be. What do you say? How many do you get? Because if I go, “Give me five.” What if tacos are like little pigs or something? And I’m like, “Give me five!” Next thing I know, I’m walking home… [pig squeals] “And that’s how I started my farm.” I have no clue what these things are. So, I’m like, “Yo man, I just want to try the food. Just give me enough to try.” He said “Okay. You just trying it out, two tacos is enough.” I said, “Okay, give me 2 tacos.” “Two tacos coming up!” The guy goes to the back, starts preparing the food. I have no clue what’s coming out. Comes back a few minutes later, “Hey, my friend.” Your tacos are ready. I was like, “Thank you very much.” “Yeah, you want you want a napkin?” -“I’m sorry, what?” -“Do want a napkin?” And now, LA, this is where it gets weird for me. [muted laughter] Because, you see, where I’m from, napkins are the things babies wear [laughter] to hold their shit. [loud laughter] The thing for your mouth, we call a serviette. But I didn’t know that, so at this point this man turned to me, offered me food and then said, “You want a napkin?” I said, “I’m sorry, I’m confused. Wh– Why would I want a napkin?” “You know, man. For the mess afterwards?” [loud laughter] [applause] He said for the mess. “How instant is it that I’d need a napkin?” “Hey man, you never know with tacos, man. One minute you think you got it, the next thing, it’s coming out.” It sounds like the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life. He said, “No it’s part of the experience. Everybody does it, man. You make a mess, you clean up, you come back and try again. You know?” I said, “That’s an experience I don’t want to have, not gonna lie.” -I’m going to skip it. -You’re not going to try my food? I said, “I’ll try the food. But I’m not gonna take the napkin, man.” He says, “What are you going to do?” I say, “If it’s as crazy as you say, I’ll just eat the taco in the car on the way home.” “Oh… You think you’re safe. You’re going to be driving? Somebody swerves, you hit the brakes. Splat! It’s coming out. Don’t be a hero, man. Just take the napkin.” I said, “Alright, I’m not being a hero right now. I’m just being a grown-ass man. Okay? If it gets really bad, I’ll just squeeze super tight until I get to where I’m going.” He’s like, “That’s the problem. Some people don’t know, they squeeze too tight, then the juice comes spraying out even more. It can spray on your pants and on your shirt…” I’m like, “On my shirt?” “How did this shit get onto my shirt?” Is it just bouncing on the ground and ricocheting up? -What the hell is in this?” -“Hey man. You want the napkin or not?” “I don’t even want your tacos right now, dude.” So much stress. Now I love tacos. [laughter] [whooping] [applause] Yeah. I love tacos. I love Mexican food. I love Mexican people. [whooping] I don’t even know what it is. I think it’s just people. We have a connection, you know. South Africans and Mexicans. People from shithole countries. We have this thing. I still can’t believe the things Donald Trump says. He’s such a– For me, Donald Trump is an emotional paradox. I’m not going to lie. You know. Logically, I can process him, emotionally I struggle. On the one hand, I will admit, I wake up many days terrified at the notion that he’s president of the most powerful nation in the world. But I also must admit I wake up many days knowing he’s going to make me laugh. There’s terror and there’s joy, and I don’t know how to feel. You know what it feels like sometimes? It feels like there’s a giant asteroid headed towards the Earth. But it’s shaped like a penis. [laughter] Like, I think I’m going to die. But I know I’m going to laugh. Just look at everything that he does. The world we now live in because of him. You realize we’re living through history. You know. This will never happen in our lifetimes again. We’re living through a time when we are all learning about the presidency at the same time as the president. That’s never happened. [whooping] How wild is that concept? You wake up everyday reading the news, and you’re like, “Wow, I didn’t know that.” And somewhere, at that exact same moment, he’s reading the same news going, “Wow, me too.” And nobody knows where it’s gonna lead. Nobody knows what he’s gonna do. All we know is that he wants his wall. He wants his wall. Donald Trump wants his wall. He needs 25 billion dollars the last time he asked. He needs it from American taxpayers because Mexico is smart. [man whoops] That fell apart real quick. Remember how confident he was at the rallies? People cheering for him. He was like, [imitates Trump] “Folks, we’re gonna build [softly] a wall. [laughter] We’re going to build a wall, folks. Who’s going to pay? Mexico.” Mexico was like, “We ain’t paying for shit, man. [applause] We might build it, but we’re not going to pay for it, man.” And if you’ve been following the journey of the wall, but it’s probably the best comedy on TV. Right? Because now they’ve started building prototypes of the wall at the border, because Donald Trump said he wants them to test the wall first. I don’t know how you do that. They’re like, “Try again.” [laughter] And because of the prototypes, Donald Trump now has specifications for the wall. He now says he wants the wall to be made out of concrete, but he also needs the wall to be see-through. Alright. And the reason the president wants the wall to be see-through is because he said he’s afraid that drug dealers from Mexico are going to shoot bags of drugs over the wall. And they’re going to hit Americans on the head as they walk by. So he needs the wall to be see-through, so that Americans can see the drugs coming and catch it. [applause] I’m not going to lie. I don’t know what a see-through wall is. But at this point, I’m just worried that a contractor will come along and trick the president. He’ll take him to the border and be like, “There it is, Mr.Trump. Your invisible wall.” [applause and whooping] And then just to make sure he buys it, he’s going to hire a troupe of Mexican mimes to be like, “Oh my God, you can’t get through it.” [impersonating Trump] It works. The mind of Donald Trump. The other idea he had for the wall, was he said America should build the wall out of solar panels. That’s what he said. He said America should build the wall out of solar panels because that way the wall would generate electricity and pay for itself. Yeah. Now, I’m not going to lie. That’s a good idea, right. It’s a good idea, unless you know anything about solar panels, or the Sun or walls. The problem with that idea is that the Sun is up. Yeah? Do we all agree on that? We still on the same page? The Sun is up, right? Er, a solar panel wall won’t work, because a wall is like this. So, technically it’s facing down. So, unless you have a really swaggy sun. That’s like, “Yeah, I shine real low, B.” It’s not going to work for you. The only way it works is if you take your board or solar panel and lean it at an angle to get the sun rays, but if you do that, you’ve created a giant ramp for Mexicans to shoot into America. -Just like, “Ora le…” -[laughter] The mind of Donald J. Trump. The J stands for Jesús. A lot of people don’t know that. -[laughter] -A lot of self-loathing going on there. And he’s always going after someone, right? He’s always going after someone. If it’s not Mexicans, it’s Muslims. If it’s not Muslims, it’s Africans from shithole countries. That one was my favorite, personally, because I am an African. I have shat in a hole. Um… I also liked it because people came up to me and asked me questions. There’s one man who came up to me after a show, really concerned. He was like, “Trevor… Hey, can I ask you a question?” I said, “Yeah, go ahead, my friend.” He said, “Trevor, I just want to know, when Donald Trump says all these horribly racist things, do you sometimes just want to pack it up, leave America, go back to South Africa and escape all this racism?” [laughter] I said, “My friend, you don’t go to South Africa to escape racism. That’s where you go to stock up.” Are you kidding me? That’s the one thing that reminds me of home. The racism out here. Cause we’ve got tons of racism in South Africa and don’t get me wrong, it’s gotten a lot better. When I was growing up, we had Apartheid. Erm and, you know, Apartheid was basically the best racism in the world. Um. Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. Now you’ll feel bad and be like, “Our racism was the best.” No, it wasn’t. -It was good, but not the best. -[laughter] And I experienced a bunch of racism and everyone did. I never felt like it was a bad thing, mostly because of my family. You know, my, my mother is a black woman, a Xhosa woman. My father is Swiss from Switzerland, and them being a couple was against the law, and that was a problem for us living together. And so we experienced a ton of racism. In case you’re wondering, yes. Xhosa is one of the languages with the clicks in it. [speaking Xhosa] But not like in American movies, just so you know. I’ve seen those movies where they have Africans, and they’re like… [exaggerated clicking] [exaggerated gibberish] That’s not a language. Even we watch those movies, and we’re like… “I wonder what they are saying, yeah?” “Where are they from?” “I think they from Cleveland?” [laughter] It’s not just clicks, the clicks are consonants. We still have vowels. I grew up in this family and we couldn’t live together. I could live with my mom, but my dad couldn’t live with us, it was illegal. And, and… people would be racist to us all the time. But I was really lucky growing up, because my mom is probably the most gangster human being you’ll ever meet in your life. Nothing got to her. -Nothing fazed her. [applause] I remember one day in particular, walking through the streets together. And some guy across the road shouted something really mean at us. And I was about four or five years old and I turned and looked at my mom and I said, “Mommy, what do we do if people do the racism to us?” My mom said, “Baby, you know what we do if somebody’s racist? We take that racism of theirs and we shake it up with the love of Jesus. And then we send it back.” And I was like, “What?” [laughter] I was like, “This lady’s crazy.” She was crazy, but she was also right. I didn’t realize how right my mother was until decades later, which I feel is what always happens with your parents, right. They’re crazy, and then you get to their age and you’re like “Oh, that’s what it means.” I only learned the lesson my mother was trying to teach me when I was a grown man. I was walking through the streets of Chicago, minding my own business. Some guy drove by in a pickup truck and called me the n-word. And I’m not going to lie. I was disappointed. Mostly because he was driving a pickup truck. Yeah, I just feel like that was an unnecessary stereotype that he didn’t need to perpetuate. You know… I feel like if you’re going to be racist, do something different. Think outside the box. Drive a Prius. -[laughter] -Yeah. It’s better for the environment and it’s quiet. You can sneak up on me. We both win. But no, the guy was, he was driving a pickup truck. Called me the n-word. Oh! To give you the full story, I was jaywalking. I was jaywalking. And I won’t tell you this to justify what he did, I just want you to know that I’m no angel. Okay? Yeah. I was crossing the road and then the light turned red for me, but I decided to walk anyways, because I don’t see color. [audience member] Oh my God! And this man… This man was so offended by what I had done that he drove his truck around me rolled the window down, looked me dead in the eye, and he was like, “Get out of the road, n i g g e r.” Oh, you could see he wanted to hurt me. We locked eyes and I could see in that moment, he was waiting for me to be like… [slow motion “No”] [mock gunshot sound] What that man didn’t know was where I was from. More importantly, who he didn’t know was my mother. [applause] Because he thought it was just going to be a regular racist day. [laughter] He thought he was gonna drive by, throw the n-word out, carry on with his life. He didn’t realize that that was the son of Patricia stepping into the road. And it happened in a moment, but it lasted a lifetime. Because I didn’t even think. He shouted that word and out of nowhere, my body was like… [laughter] I was like, “Oh shit, this is it!” [loud laughter] And let me tell you something, LA, it was so beautiful, because I didn’t plan it. I didn’t think about it. All I know is I stepped into the road, he drove his truck around, rolled the window, looked me dead in the eye, said, “Get out of the road, n i g g e r.” And I turned and and I was like, “Yo, my n i g g a.” [laughter and applause] And he almost crashed and died. -[laughter] Yeah, I’ve never seen a human being question themselves so many times in a split-second in my life. Because I was smiling and I could see in his face he was like, “Wait, do I know you? Do I look like someone you know?” And I don’t know why he did this, but I’ll never forget it. He looked at his hands. He looked at his hands like they’d somehow magically turned black. Like I had cursed him with a n i g g e r bomb. I don’t know what he was thinking. Oh… I actually felt bad for him, man. Because I’ve been called that word before, but that was his first time. You never forget your first time, you know? I’m sorry. I’m not going to– Is that what he wants? He wants to throw that word and my day’s spoiled? That’s how it is? He says, “N i g g e r!” [childish tone] “He called me a n i g g e r.” I don’t have time for that. My mom always used to say. She said you can’t control what people do to you, but you can control how you react. So I promised myself. I said, “I’ll never give a racist person the pleasure of seeing my pain.” It may be painful, may be hurtful, but I won’t give them the pleasure of seeing my pain. [applause and whistling] Someone says something racist, I take that racism, shake it up with the love of Jesus, send it right back. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not always easy. Not everyone can do the same thing. Not everyone should. I also understand that for me it is a little bit different. You don’t I have a privilege in that I come from a country where the word “n i g g e r” was never used to oppress anybody. I mean we had another word, we had the best racism. Come on now. But not that word. That word we had was a word “kaffir”. So we have another word, same thing. It’s crazy to me sometimes. Same racism, different word. And here it means nothing, right? “Kaffir. Kaffir”? Nothing. Some people are like, “Is that like a probiotic? Is that what that is?” Yeah, the probiotic of my pain. We don’t have that in our supermarkets. For obvious reasons. No one warned me in America. I walk down the dairy aisle, I was like, “Yogurt, ice cream… [screams] This lactose is intolerant.” So it’s different around the world. I get that. You know. It’s a privilege I have in dealing with the n-word. You know, in South Africa, no one was called a n i g g e r. All over Africa no one was oppressed using that word. So that word has no power. Anywhere you go. “N i g g e r, n i g g e r, n i g g e r…” Nothing. Whereas right now I can feel the tension in this room. I can feel it. Some people are like, “Goddamn it, was that like 7 times? I get it, Trevor. That’s my quota for the year. Come on.” I get it. It got me thinking that maybe we could use that. We could use that discrepancy to help each other out, and create a program where you guys send all of your racist people to Africa just once a year. Because Africans will roast the shit out of them. The best part about Africa is you don’t even have to wait. Get off the plane and there’s black people everywhere. Just jump straight in, and be like, “N i g g e r, n i g g e r, n i g g e r” Yeah, and because Africa’s run and owned by black people, they’re not afraid of white people. They’ll just be like, “Jimbo, he’s back. The n i g g a man. -How are you, n i g g a?” [applause] “God dammit. I keep telling you you’re the n i g g e r.” “But you are the one who always says it, n i g g a man. Yeah, you n i g g a. Put on some sunscreen before you die, n i g g a. Let’s go party.” [applause] It would be different. That’s all I’m saying. It’s always weird for me, I won’t lie, because although no one used that word in a derogatory way, the word “n i g g e r” in South Africa does exist. Technically, right? But in my mom’s language, Xhosa, the word “n i g g a” means “to give”. That’s what “n i g g a” means in Xhosa. That’s how you use it. [speaking Xhosa] [speaking Xhosa] So, not only does that word not hurt me, when racist people use it on me, all they end up doing is bringing back fond memories of my childhood. [laughter] I get flashbacks to when I was a little kid. I’d be playing with my cousin and his toy cars I always stole his cars, I didn’t have my own. He’d start screaming, like… [crying] Mama! Mama! My mom would run into the room. She’d be like [speaking Xhosa] “What’s happening here?” And my cousin would be like, “Auntie…” [sobbing nonsense in a trap style] [audience whooping] She’d be like “Hey, hey, hey. Talk properly, I can’t hear you. What happened?” He’d be like, “Trevor stole my toys.” And my mom would be like, “Trevor, did you steal your cousin’s toys?” I’d say, “No, Mom, I didn’t steal, Mom. -I promise I didn’t steal.” -“Trevor… [speaks Xhosa] Don’t lie to me. Did you steal those toys?” I said, “No, mom. I didn’t steal anything. What happened was his cars were parked illegally, Mom. [laughter] And so I had to tow them, because you can’t live in this society without laws. I mean, even me, I’m just a humble civil servant at the end of the day, Mom. Without laws, we descend into chaos, Mom. If you think about it, that’s all that’s holding us up. As a civilization it’s the only thing that keeps us–” She’d be like, “Hey, don’t come here with that smart mouth of yours. Give those toys back.” I said, “Mom, please. I just want to play–“ [speaks Xhosa] “Give those toys back. Give those toys back.” And I’d be like “Mom” and she’d be like “Hey, n i g g e r”. [speaks Xhosa repeatedly saying ‘n i g g e r’] And my cousin would be there like, “N i g g a, please.” [laughter] Yo LA, you guys have been so much fun tonight. [loud whooping] [continued cheering] Thank you so much for coming out and joining me. I appreciate you all so much. Have a good night, everybody. [speaks Xhosa] [hip hop outro begins] [applause and whooping]

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Volker Pispers about USA (2004) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/volker-pispers-about-usa-2004-transcript/

Last part of Volker Pispers’ program “Bis neulich” (2004), where the comedian deals with American foreign policy, 9/11 and the war on terror in general. You all got used to the new timescale. We used to say “before the birth of Christ” and “after the birth of Christ” and today we divide the world into ‘before the attacks” and “after the attacks”. By itself that date is engraved in the collective memory of humankind. September 11th, who can ever forget that day. That was a Tuesday — September 11th in 1973. Yes, that was a Tuesday, too. For those who still don’t know yet: on September 11th 1973, Salvador Allende, the —  in contrast to Bush — democratically elected president of Chile… was —  with the help of an US terror organization called C.I.A. —  removed from office in a Coup d’état. 3000 murdered Chilean democrats. The order to kill was given by that time’s Osama Bin Laden: Henry Kissinger. Until today at large, especially his ego. Salvador Allende was replaced with an America-friendly, fascist military dictatorship under Augusto Pinochet, a proven expert on human rights. The Americans always had a lucky hand in picking their proconsuls… and allies on location, one can’t debate that. But today again I sense how the cold creeps up onto the stage at this point. I know it’s a delicate subject. The chancellor [Schroeder] has said it openly several times: We must not slide down into superficial anti-Americanism. But mine isn’t superficial. And I’m not even against America, it’s a beautiful country. The problem are the people living there. I always say it’s somewhat like Bavaria. Calling the average American’s mindset “naive” is a benevolent characterization. Most Americans don’t know much about the world; most Americans know only one thing about the world: We are the good guys. And that’s beautiful, nothing beats a simple worldview. You still know that from the area of feminism: If you know who’s the bad guy, the day has structure. For a decade the world was straightforward: The empire of evil was in the east, Soviets and communism were antagonized, bulwarks against communism were erected across the globe, for example back then in Persia, today’s Iran. A likeable, talented, young dictator — the Shah of Persia, Reza Palahvi — got armed for so long until he had the world’s 4th or 5th biggest army at that time. As a bulwark against communism. To finance that army the Shah of Persia, in the good American tradition of Human Rights, oppressed and gagged his own people such that one day the desperate Persians gathered around a religious leader to get rid of the dictator. The religious leader was called Ayatollah Khomeini. In this case “likeable” isn’t the word of choice. You get a feel how desperate the Persians must have been. Or can you imagine the degree of desperation that you would need to back the pope to get rid of Gerhard Schroeder? Lets keep it real, the despair of the Germans wasn’t even big enough to back Edmund Stoiber. But back to the Iranian Ayatollah… That one worked. You can say about Khomeini what you want, but the guy managed a peaceful revolution. No shot was fired by remonstrants. Remonstrants were shot dead by the army, but new ones joined until one million were on the streets. The 4th biggest army, guns at the ready, opposite the remonstrants who said: “Shoot, come on, shoot! How many do you want to keep shooting at now?” “Nobody here is going to leave.” The army sensed the people’s determination. They moved back into the barracks, no shots were fired after that. The Shah of Persia had to flee. One of the mightiest dictators in that region had to flee. With Farah Diba and few bags full of cash. First towards Egypt, later to the buddies in the USA. There he moved into a suitable hole in the ground. So much on the subject of how a populace actually can get rid of a dictator. Todays experts on dictatorship see that differently, of course. Angela Merkel, for example. I best like to quote Angela Merkel by the letter: I have yet to find a better way to insult that woman. Angela Merkel said word-for-word before the war in Iraq: “I have lived in a dictatorship.” “I know dictators only understand the language of violence!” I was ashamed at that point. We should have supported Merkel in her battle of arms against Honecker. We should have tried to rescue’our brothers and sisters in the GDR by force, shouldn’t we? With a little bit of luck we could have avoided Merkel by means of collateral damage. Yeah, Merkel doesn’t say much content-wise; but if she does, then it’s nonsense. You can count on that. But back to Khomeini. Khomeini had driven away the Shah, but the Persians were pissed. The Americans had supported the dictator until the end. The Americans were pissed as well. Because all the nice weapons now were in the hands of Ayatollah Khomeini. A religious fundamentalist. A Muslim. Muslims. People who take their religion seriously. For Catholics unimaginable. The Iran, quasi over night in 1979, the Iran turned from bulwark against evil into the empire of evil itself. The Americans use to decide that on a day-to-day basis. Now the empire of evil had to be antagonized again, so they asked “Who can do that for us?” And again they found a likeable young man. He happened to live just around the corner, back then not yet in a hole in the ground. Saddam Hussein, a talented dictator at his time. The Americans said: “Hussein, we have been doing splendid business for a few years, we know you are a reliable, qualmless dictator.” “We continue arming you, you invade Iran, stop Khomeini with his Shiite theocracy.” “And the oil wells you can conquer you can keep as reward, we’ll look the other away if you straighten the border a little.” Hussein agreed at once, since he had never fancied the Islam. Hussein gives as much shit about Islam as Bush gives about Christianity. Come on, the American foreign policy doesn’t worry about human rights, it worries about mining rights and nothing else. So Saddam Hussein was armed. Hey, we armed him, too. There’s the list with the 68 German companies who armed Saddam Hussein. They were the ones who offered the inspectors last year to check whether everything was still there. In principle, Hussein is a fair business partner; he kept the promise and attacked Iran already in 1980. He attacked, but didn’t get far. The stupid Iranians defended themselves. That thing lasted. For eight years. Gulf war. For eight years Saddam Hussein, supported by the Americans, led a war of invasion against his innocent neighbor Iran. We were neutral. We enjoyed supplying both sides with arms. Well, there’s jobs in it. “Never again a war must be started without Germany.” (pun making fun of a pacifist slogan) …or something along those lines. After eight years Hussein recognized: “I can’t get in there. He retreated into his own country. The Americans were smirking — Khomeini had been kept busy for eight years one million dead, nice casualties on both sides — it was alright with the Americans, but Hussein still wanted his reward. There the Americans said: “What reward? Did you conquer any oil wells?” “Nope,” Hussein replied. “I didn’t.” “Well, duh! That is why you ended up without a reward now.” So Hussein became stroppy. So he was stroppy for a while and two years later he was like: “Well, then I’ll get the oil wells in Kuwait. It’s much easier to get in there, after all.” That, on the other hand, made the Americans stroppy: “One moment, my friend! Which country you invade that’s still our decision, pal!” “Hussein, take notes:” “Picking off Persians and gassing Kurds — nobody has a problem with that.” “But-occupying Kuwait — there the party has its end.” Hussein didn’t know what was happening. What had he done wrong? Did Hussein do anything different than in all the years before that? I need that explained. What did Hussein do different in 1990 than in all the years before? Did he change? No, he simply turned around… and attacked a different neighboring dictatorship. Kuwait is a dictatorship as well, like all the other countries down there. But over night Saddam Hussein turned from “fighter against evil” to “villain of the century”. The new Hitler was born. Lesser than that and our intellectuals won’t bother at all anymore. Our “intellectulles” are measuring everything in units of Hitler. You are allowed to look up the essays in “Der Spigel” again. 1991 — Hans Magnuns Enzensberger, Wolf Biermann: “The New Hitler!” — There you have a prime example of what alcohol can do to humans. Now the new Hitler had to be antagonized again. The Americans at once: “Hitler? That’s a job for our top!” They stationed a big army around the Persian Gulf. Daddy Bush brought the army there and since then the Americans sit at the Persian Gulf and in the countries with the oil wells. Because how has it been put by Henry Kissinger, the old fox and bearer of the Nobel peace prize: “Oil is too important to be left in the hands of Arabs.” Stupidly enough, those countries with the oil wells are as well the countries with the Islamic sanctuaries. And there one has to ask: “What were the thoughts of the Lord here?” — “Burying our nice oil where all the Muslims are?!” Because just the presence of American soldiers in those countries is an affront for a believing Muslim. For a believing Muslim this is blasphemy, a sacrilege. Through the presence of unbelieving soldiers the sanctuaries are being desecrated. This simply is their belief you have to accept that. You are free to think that’s funny. We like to think of the Islam as funny, jokes are made during carnival, “Women are wearing head scarves.” “72 virgins await the martyr in paradise!” “Haha, what a ludicrous religion!” Dunno, what stuff are you believing in? Do you dig Trinity or virginity? Are you visiting the temple on Sunday? Visit the Copperfield show? I mean, are you nibbling at the body of Christ? Do you realize? It’s pretty easy to make fun of people and religions. Everybody has the right to believe something, that’s freedom of religion. Everybody has the right to believe in something — hey, if he’s right.. From my point of view, all people believing in things like that are just too lazy to think for themselves… But even that i s just my opinion. Who is right? Who knows? Maybe we will know that at some time. If I’m right, we will never know about it. But one thing! One thing you have to accept. For a believing Muslim, the American presence in those countries is like for a believing Catholic the deployment of Taliban within the Vatican would be. What is the Americans’ business there? Protect human rights? Do you have a better joke in your repertoire? What the American government thinks of human rights, even the last Arab has figured by now. Human intensive management in Guantanamo Bay. Taking humans for a stroll on dog leashes. Human rights! It isn’t about human rights in the Middle East, stop with that babble already. If it were about human rights, the Uno had to have been there decades ago! You have to go in there with blue helmet troops, protecting Palestinians and Israelis from each other! You have to get at the extremists on both sides, the profiteers of the conflict, both sides’ extremists. Arafat and Sharon in one padded cell, that would be a start, that would be a symbol. But… peace in the Middle East, that would be an American nightmare. Just imagine the young Israelis and the young Arabs making up. One has the crude oil, the other the know-how. The American would be out in the cold. The only goods Americans are still able to produce on a world class level are weapons. Already they have to import everything that’s more complicated than a fridge. Peace in the Middle East would be their nightmare. It’s not about the human rights, it’s about the resources. At least it’s being said openly by now: it’s about the oil, ladies and gentlemen. Finally the truth sees some daylight. That’s also why the Bundeswehr [German army] had to be reformed: Because the NATO has new tasks. And there the Bundeswehr is somewhat cumbersome by being a defensive force. Purely a defensive army! The constitution! What a load of rubbish it contains. The Bundeswehr is only good for stalling the enemy at the borders until military shows up. But there never came an enemy! All those years not! The only thing our tanks were good for was crop damage in the Lueneburg Heath. We had to see the truth after 60 sad years: Nobody wants to play war with us Germans if we don’t start it. And now German soldiers should be allowed to fight everywhere again! Today Peter Struck [German sec. of def. then] says: “Germany is being defended at the Hindu Kush!” When he said that sentence early this year, at some point I already knew something was wrong with his circulation [was later in hospital due to a stroke(?IIRC)] The NATO has a new doctrine that says: NATO soldiers — that includes Bundeswehr soldiers — can be deployed outside alliance territory (“out of area”)… when, for example, our resource supply seems to be in danger. You have to savour that one on your tongue. We sstopped protecting just what we own,  now we also protect what we would like to own. The people without [Lebens-]Raum has become the people without resources. And vernacular language calls it “our oil”. People are talking that way in the streets. In the pubs. “Our oil” “What’s Johnny Arab doing with it? He’s just sitting around on it.” Our economy needs it — our oil. Following the same logic, Hussein could have come over here to defend his gas stations. The USA have attacked Hussein twice, and twice they have crushingly defeated him. Because he isn’t a Hitler, Mr Enzensberger. You might be good at interpreting poems, but please, just shut up when it’s about the remaining stuff. Hussein has always used tactics, checked out what goes and what doesn’t fly. Think back to the first war against Hussein, 1990. The Americans had stationed that giant army there, daddy Bush deployed them,  on January the 17th in 1991 it began precision bombings. Today the Americans are able, with surgical precision, they can with surgical precision, from 5 km height, — they can’t build machine that can count ballots — but they can from 5 km height, with surgical precision, drop those UNO banned fragmentation bombs all around the civilian population. Now, if someone makes a dump jump to the side, you can’t do anything about that. What the Americans hit back then has become known afterwards. They destroyed thousands of Iraqi tank fakes. The inflatable one, those sex shop models. The frontal land assault happened. It was announced by daddy Bush as the biggest tank battle of all times. After all, they were up against Hitler and his mad army. The tank battle then cost 14 or 17 American soldiers their lives. It that a tank battle? Please. Every fog accident on the A3 has more action. [A3 = Autobahn 3] Taken both wars against Hussein together,  less American soldiers died than people are being shot dead in the streets of Chicago each year.  And half of them in both wars were shot by their fellow comrades. Same as at home — by guys from Chicago. “Killed by friendly fire”, like the Americans say. Do you really call that a war? When one sides loses 150 people, the other 30000? That’s a war for you? Are you that cynical? I call that a beating someone up. This time the Americans didn’t even pretend that it was a war. They just drove in there with their tanks. They were advancing with their small troop so fast towards Baghdad, the only problem was refueling the tanks. Their fuel trucks couldn’t get to and fro fast enough. They resorted to buying gas at ordinary Iraqi gas stations. Now, that’s a war, eh? Just imagine The Russian before Cologne has to go back to Dusseldorf to pump some gas. “Do they take Rubel there?’ “No, no Visa.” “Rubel. It’s war. Rubel.” “And also two Mars bars!” With what was the great army of Iraq supposed to fight? The Iraq army has old tanks, they can destroy others over a 500 meter distance. The Americans do know that very well. The Americans brought in the newest tanks, they can destroy others over a mile of distance. Satellite supported navigation, targeting systems and reconnaissance. Guess three times who is going to win. You could as well send [heavy-weight] Vitali Klitschko after a three year old and say: “Beware! The little one has a mighty left hook. Take care!” But Hussein had the WMD! The whole country was filled with WMD! Where did those go to, actually ? That’s something one asks oneself, too. Putin has said a beautiful sentence. Shortly after the war had ended last year, Putin said: “If I were the Americans, I would find some.” Even for that that army of stoners is too stupid. Well, but Putin was once boss of the KGB. Bush just was a member of the local AA. Where are the WMD? Where are all the reasons for the war gone? Do you remember the reasons for the war? First it was: “Hussein is behind 9/11, he’s connected somehow!” “He has at least financed it, he’s close to Al Qaeda if not the driving force behind it.” When that wasn’t enough for a war, it suddenly was: “He is close to developing the bomb!” He bought uranium in Africa!” “The English secret service of Tony Blair… has and air-tight dossier that proves that he bought uranium in Africa!” When that still wasn’t enough, the anthrax attack happened, you remember? Anthrax attack in America, that also was Hussein, yeah, sure, who else could have done that? Still not enough, suddenly the WMD entered the game. Vast amounts of WMD. Then it was: “In three quarters of an hour he can attack all of Europe! Another dossier by the British secret service: “He can attack all of Europe in 3/4 of an hour.” Do you know who told that to the British secret service? The current prime minister of Iraq, Mr Allawi. Do you know him actually? That’s a former secret service member of Saddam Hussein. An old buddy of Hussein. Together they oppressed the people back in the good old days. Then sometime they were at odds with each other like it sometimes happens among criminals. Allawi lost and had to flee. He run away to England. And from there, since then, he managed the resistance against his old buddy Hussein, including attacks in Iraq and everything that goes with it. And to finally get the world populace to reinstall him there, he told the English he knew that Hussein had weapons to attack all of Europe in 3/4 of an hour. In thanks the English made him prime minister now. Not one of the reasons was valid. Just a pack of filthy lies. Many were already saying that back then. How did Mr Schaeuble put it, concerning claims that the war was unjustified? Mr Schaeuble said, during a speech: “The Iraq war is a bad solution.” “But an even worse solution would be… a humiliated world power USA.” There you can see what a cup of a possible president has rolled by us. Never forget it again: the perverted world view of Phd Wolfgang victim Schaeuble. Schaeuble basically said: “A few thousand dead Iraqis are bad. But it would be even worse if Bush’s government would have had to admit to have lied.”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Vir Das: Losing It (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-losing-it-transcript/

I lost 80% of my mind. It’s very freeing. You should see the look on your faces right now, by the way. Oh! Good evening, San Francisco. Are you guys excited, yeah? All right. Well, my name is Vir Das. We’re gonna have such a good time tonight. I’m so excited. It’s gonna be delightful. Oh, this is how I talk now. I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Indian. And really, what could be more Indian than a fake American accent? I don’t think you understand. I have an opportunity to make history tonight, guys. I can. I can be the first ever Indian who comes to California… and then leaves. That’s never happened before. Because you guys are sticking around. Until they kick you out. Which, going by the news, is about three weeks from now. Now, I used to work in America in the year 2002. It didn’t go very well, so I left for browner pastures. And then, honestly, I didn’t think about you guys for 15 years. Because, honestly, there is nothing that you can get in America that I can’t get in India. And then my government banned beef and I was like, “You know, an international career might not be such a bad thing!” Make no mistake. I’m just here for the beef. It’s been a good couple of years for me. I went on my first world tour. I saw the entire world. I went… Yeah. Would you like to know what 33 countries in the world have in common? – Would you like to know, yeah? – Yeah! Two things. Number one, I have now masturbated in all 33 of those countries. Thank you. I’m like the Genghis Khan of the Holiday Inn chain. My DNA is everywhere. If your hotel has a memory foam mattress, I’m the memory. And two, no matter where I went in the entire world, people said the same thing. They said, “Oh, my God, you’re Indian? I love Indian people. They’re, like, so smart. Indian people, you’re, like, so smart.” Which leads me to believe the rest of the world not that smart. Now, there’s no answer to that question. Whenever somebody says, “Indian people, so smart,” all we can do is just, “Namaste,” and, “Yes.” “Okay.” Because we all know the reality, right? In reality, 20% of India is smart. Eighty percent of India is so stupid, we don’t even give them a passport. Eighty percent of India is just Being Human t-shirts and Gaurakshaks, all right? That’s basically India. No, in reality, 20% of India is smart, but it’s a population game, so we get away with it. Because 20% of India is 98% of most countries. So, statistically, Indians are not smarter. There are just more smart Indians. And if you’re taking time with that joke… …you’re in the 80%. And for the world to progress, you need to go. That’s what I believe. If this world is going to progress, Eighty percent of us, this, everything, everyone needs to go. Same number, 80/20, applies to you, American people and English. Think about your country. Eighty percent of America speaks English good. But I’m pretty sure 20% of America speaks English well. And if you don’t understand the difference… then you will make America great again. I promise you. You’re the one. It’ll happen because of you, you, you. Build that wall. But in today’s world, we don’t need to speak English because we have social media. Eighty percent of social media cannot spell “social” or “media.” And if you can figure out how to communicate with them, you can rule any country in the world. That’s the new strategy. A leader, a brand gives us three, four words of evil. We are instantly hypnotized, mesmerized, on board. That’s all it takes. Three, four words. “Make America great.” “Build that wall.” “Jail that bitch.” “Drain that swamp.” “I’m lovin’ it.” “You’re worth it.” “Liyo to Jio.” “Abki baar Modi sarkar.” We are on board instantly. But… Every day on Twitter I am called anti-national, unpatriotic, a traitor, un-Indian, and to all of that shit, I say, “Spot on!” Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality is Indian, but I’m 20% African. Yeah. And I know what you’re thinking, “Vir, which 20%?” And I will tell you. It’s my childhood, guys. My childhood. I grew up in Africa. In Lagos, Nigeria, but see, when I say the word “Africa,” firstly, some musical shit happens in your head, right? The minute I say the word “Africa…” …but then after that… you guys think of, like, tribes or nature or wildlife or malaria. When my parents went to Africa in the early ’80s, when Indians were going to Africa for gold and diamonds and oil and malaria… Malaria has pretty much never left Africa. If Africa is McDonald’s, malaria is French fries. They just give you that shit with everything. I realize I’m being a bit unfair, comparing McDonald’s to malaria. You know, malaria is a curable illness. But… But Indians were very rich in Africa. We had a house with an electric fence around it. All Indians did. At our gate, 24/7, was an armed guard with an AK-47 machine gun. Security. Do you know how many people you would have to murder in India to get that level of security? Oh, sorry, I messed up the joke. Sorry, sorry, sorry. One second, I’ll do it again. Do you know how senior a politician you would have to be in India… And then we lost everything in one week. A dictator got shot, government changed, expats fled, and all of a sudden, we were poor for the first time, but the worst kind of poor, guys. New poor. Yuck. ‘Cause, you know, normal poor, you don’t think twice about that shit. Do you? No, you accept it. I’m poor, you’re poor. We can’t afford downtown. We live in San Jose. You accept that shit, but… But when you’re new poor, you have a fresh reminder of what you’re missing. Let me give you context. We went from a nine-bedroom house in Lagos, Nigeria, to a seven-bedroom house in Delhi, in Noida. But we only had enough furniture for one bedroom. Do you know what it’s like to live in a house with six empty bedrooms? If you meet somebody in there, you just assume they’re a ghost. I was 16 years old. Do you know how important it is for a boy to have his own room at 16? We are producing our body weight in sperm on a daily basis when we are 16. Indian men, have you ever jacked off in an empty room with no furniture? We need something to rest on, right?\ Just… Structure. You know, in case you think of that one extra girl and the legs go. You know what I’m talking about. I had to train myself to jack off in the center of the room like a yoga guru. Like a feng shui master. Vastu and tathastu in the same orgasm. Really feel out the space. When I was done, I could never find the sperm. The floors were Italian marble. Till date, if I have sex, I face the girl north. My father is my hero. My father went from driving a Mercedes S-Class, beautiful German engineering, to driving a Maruti 800. Americans, it’s just a roller skate with dreams. But he’s my hero because he never lost his optimism in his adversity. On the day he walked us in to buy that shitty car, he got so excited about that car. He knew it would make his family excited about that car. Fuck, he got the people at Maruti excited about that shitty car for the first time. He walked in performing. “Is this your top-of-the-line model?” “Yes!” “Well, what makes this one top-of-the-line?” “Sir, this one has four wheels. Also, sir, the car has a sun roof.” “Really? I don’t see a sun roof.” “Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin. So it absorbs so much heat, you feel like you are sitting in the center of the sun. This car has two indicators, sir, left and right. Here’s the right one. And the car has six gear changes.” “Really? I only see four.” “Exactly. There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth. “Would you like me to turn the air conditioner on, sir?” “Absolutely.” My mom had to get a job. She had never worked before, so she did the one thing that women who spoke good English in India did. She read the news for Doordarshan. Americans, Doordarshan is like our CNN, but with credibility. With no training or formal experience, my mother was Doordarshan’s top newsreader in one week. That’s all it took. Yeah. That’s how bad Doordarshan’s English was at the time. I don’t know what happened at her first job interview. They’re like, “Mrs. Das, can you pronounce ‘epsinocage’?” “Do you mean ‘espionage’?” “You’re hired, madam! We’ve been wondering for ten years.” I changed schools. I went from India’s top private boarding school, The Lawrence School, Sanawar… Yeah, yeah, damaged goods. …to… From Lawrence School, Sanawar, to Delhi Public School. Yeah, that was a great transition. I went from an English medium school to a school where they spoke English medium. I went from nouns, pronouns and verbs to chest, shoulder, triceps. I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats to, “Eh, madam, eh!” I couldn’t do the examination thing. Here’s how bad my results were in Delhi Public School. My first PTA meeting, the teacher sat my parents down and she was like, “Mr… and Mrs. Das… Vir has issues… that need to be… addressed.” And then I realized she was talking to my parents really slowly. Because I think she just assumed the stupidity ran through my family. And the thing is, I’m not stupid. I’m just dyslexic. You guys know what dyslexia is? It’s a reading-writing disorder. You jumble up letters. When I was in school, that shit didn’t exist. Like, if I went to my parents, “Mom, Dad, I’m dyslexic,” they’d be like, “Shut up, boys are not meant to be with boys.” But… By the way, if you’re dyslexic, being gay is a great choice. Plus, LGBTQ just sounds like a dyslexic kid trying to spell a big word. Something like “lozenges” or… “logarithm.” Like, till date, I can’t write cursive. It’s a big issue in my life. I can’t write joint letters. I remember the first time I told my mom, typical Indian mom, I was like, “Mom, I can’t write joint letters.” And she was like, “Why don’t you write all the letters first and join them later?” “Because I’m writing an essay, Mom, not designing a fucking freeway.” So I had to write all of my exams in block letters, so in my final grade 12 exam, I got 52% in English, even though my answers were good. And I think it’s because the examiner thought I was yelling at him. You know, he’s just reading my paper. “The reincarnations of Krishna represent the true line of Indian mythology!” He’s like, “Well, that’s a good point, but I don’t like your attitude.” Because back then, a Hindu screaming angrily for no reason seemed strange. Now it’s election strategy. I lost 80% of my religion this year. And I think it’s because I started to believe in God. I believe that God exists in children, nature, animals. Pretty much anywhere but temples, churches and mosques. That’s where I believe God exists. Because that, like… ‘Cause I don’t think he goes to those places. I will explain why. Do you ever take a selfie, guys? You ever take a selfie? And you know how to make yourself look good in that selfie, right? But if you hand your friend the phone, they will fuck up the selfie. Absolutely. Why? Because they do not understand your correct angles. I think for God, man is that friend. We have always fucked up the image of God because we don’t understand his correct angles. Symbolically and visually. I think the first time Jesus Christ walked into a church, he was like, “What the fuck is that? Who drew that shit? You, Leonardo? Come here. What is that shit, bro? Who is that sad, skinny guy? What is this shit? What is that? I carried that cross for three days without carbs. You couldn’t draw a tricep, you son of a bitch?” Hindus, I think the first time our God Ganesha walked into a temple, he was like, “What the fuck is that? I’m half man, half elephant. That’s brown and gray. What is all this color? What, are you people on acid? What is this? Hinduism by Disney? What’s going on?” Muslims, I think the first time Muhammad walked into a mosque, he was like… I don’t know what Muhammad looks like, do you? Nobody does. Every time we try to draw the guy, somebody gets shot. Remember? I’m not doing that joke. Je suis intimidated, all right? I can feel your assholes just tightening up on that joke, yeah. Look, guys, I believe the future of world peace is not going to come from politics or economics. It will come from religions. The world will be okay when every religion in the world learns to have some fun and chill the fuck out. Can we agree on that, yeah? Two religions, in specific, Christianity and Islam. You’ve got to work your shit out, guys. I feel like, as Hindus, we can say that shit. ‘Cause Hindus are like your common best friend who’s caught in the middle of your awkward break-up. And I think the only country in the world that can make that peace happen is you. America. You can do it. You can. You, America, just have to do with religion… what you have always historically done so well… with foreign food. Just, combine it and make your own stupid American version of it. Wouldn’t you like to see a religion of peace in the world? Would you like to see that, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah? Yeah? A new religion of peace when Muslims and Christians can come together and pray in harmony. Ladies and gentlemen, “Chrislam…” Breathe, breath, breath. Chrislam is a great religion, guys. You know how, Christians, you get Sunday? And, Muslims, you get Friday? So, in Chrislam, you get Saturday. You wake up on Saturday, you go to the “chosque.” And there’s great festivals in Chrislam, guys. There’s Eid-ster. Ahh! You just hide chocolate goats in the garden. So much fun. So much fun. There’s Shukriya-giving… …where you stuff a turkey into a burqa. And my favorite festival, guys – Halal-oween. Um… Halal-oween is so much fun. You know, where Christians and Muslims get together and dress up as the people who scare them. So, you know, Hindus. And then you have common praying in the chosque. It’s a beautiful thing, common praying. Our Father who art in Heaven… Our Father who… Allahu Akbar. Hallowed be thy name… Yalla be thy name. Give us this day our pitta bread. As we forgive those who hummus against us. Hallelu… yalla-a-a-ah! And then Sonu Nigam wakes up. Look, if we chill out and talk about religion, what is a religion? It’s a really old comic book. It’s a really old superhero story. Muslims, Allah is your Batman. Christians, Jesus is your Superman. Single-hero comic books. But, Hindus… we created The Avengers, motherfuckers. That’s our shit, right? Or did you think I wasn’t coming to you, huh? That’s all Hinduism is. It’s The Avengers. There’s too many guys. And nobody knows what the story is. And don’t eat beef. No matter what we say, we don’t understand any of it. We just end it with “don’t eat beef.” “Don’t eat beef” is our “Despacito.” We always come back to that shit in a circle. And we legit don’t eat beef. We are militant about that shit. We will eat a human being before we eat beef. In 100 years, India’s just gonna be, like, three leftover Hindus and 27 million cows. If you remove 80% of the bullshit in religion, it’s just a really cool story. That’s all that’s left. Like, Hinduism has some amazing stories. Who here has read The Ramayan? If you’ve read it, clap your hands, yeah? The rest of you, you have to read it. It’s one of the coolest stories in the world. So, tonight, because we are in San Francisco… with your permission… I would like to take America through The Ramayan. No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shut the fuck up! ‘Cause if you write a blog after this shit, I will go to jail. The law is very clear. If I distort facts about The Ramayan, I can go to jail. So I will not do that. The only thing you will hear coming out of my mouth is fact. And the rest of this is a silent bit. So, for the Americans, let’s recap the story of The Ramayan. Our lead God was a God by the name of Ram. His wife, our lead Goddess, was a lady by the name of Sita. Ram and Sita lived in the forest together for how many years? Fourteen! Fourteen years. For protection, they took along Ram’s brother Laxman. So it was Ram, Laxman and Sita in the forest together for 14 years. That’s a fact. Americans on board, yeah? Ram, Laxman, Sita in the forest together for 14 years. One day, in the middle of the night, Ram and Laxman were hunting a golden deer in the forest… with the great bow given to Ram by Lord Shiva. In the middle of the night, Sita got abducted by a demon named Ravan. Sita went missing. Ram got pissed. Shit got real. And that’s The Ramayan. Fact! Fun fact, did you know… that Laxman did not sleep for 14 years when they were in that forest? Did you know that shit? Yes, he stayed awake. Can you imagine how creepy that was for Sita? I’m just saying, you wake up in the middle of the night, there’s a dude like… “Hello! Good morning. You’re sleeping well?” “Ram, can you get your creepy brother out of here, please? You know what? Go to the forest and get me a deer. And make it golden because, you know, Delhi girl… “So, he left. Now… Pay attention, San Francisco. In the middle of the forest they saw a beautiful golden deer. Just… Ram was like, “Okay, sh… …I’m gonna shoot the deer.” “Good!” “Ram.” “What?” “Why don’t we…” “What?” “Shiva gave it to me, all right?” “Shoot the deer.” “I can see you.” “What is this?” “Shiva gave it to me.” Look, if you remove the bullshit from religion, if you lose 80% of your religion, what’s left over is a cool story. I love cool stories because of my grandfather. I called him Baba. He was the greatest storyteller I ever met. I lost him last year. Saddest day of my life. The next day, all we could do was sit around and tell stories about how he told cool stories. This beautiful mix of just grief and plagiarism, to be honest. And the best thing about his stories were that they had no relevance to the conversation you were trying to have. He just decided to say that shit. My first heartbreak, I was 16 years old. I ran to him. “Baba, Saba left me. What do I do?” He said, “You know, one day I tied your father to a tree and beat him. Then I got thirsty, went into the house, had some pani, came out, beat him some more.” Which is not the appropriate answer to my question or, when you think about it, is the appropriate answer to every question because at that moment, you’re not thinking about your breakup. You’re just thinking, “This dude’s a badass.” Who hydrates in the middle of child abuse? My granddad taught me that 80% of this honesty that we value so much in each other is unnecessary. If you can tell beautiful, truly beautiful lies, guys, the entire universe will conspire to make those lies a reality. I submit to you Harry Potter. Harry Potter is a lie made up by a lady in Scotland, but it’s a beautiful lie that children believed, they made it a reality. There are movies, merchandise, theme parks. If you go to King’s Cross Station in London, you will see a pillar that actually says “Platform…” 93/4 “…93/4.” It’s actually there and you can watch… as stupid children… run… 60 feet into bricks… and fall off stupider than when they came to the station. Awesome. Because they believe a beautiful lie. Now, before I tell you my next story, are there any Sardars or Sikh gentlemen in the audience? I believe that 99.99999348% of Sardars are incredibly intelligent individuals. Cool? Now, if you apply that percentage to the total Sikh population of the world, that leaves three. And those three Sardars are in my next story. Now, when I was 12 years old… And you said we were cool, man. When I was 12 years old, my best friend Amandeep got appendicitis. It was very serious, his appendix ruptured, but that was not the beautiful lie he told me. He said, “Man, one day, my stomach was hurting. I told them, ate ice cream for two weeks and skipped my exams.” And I believed the beautiful lie, so I waited four months for my opportunity. In the middle of class, I raised my hand. “Excuse me, ma’am. My stomach is hurting. I believe I have ‘accendipitis’.” And my teacher was like, “I think that boy’s gay.” So, now I’m just in the hospital eating ice cream for two weeks. Every now and then, a doctor comes and pokes my stomach. I make a noise and the doctors believe the beautiful lie. And I am thinking, “More ice cream.” Except they are thinking, “Road trip.” So I get driven down to Chandigarh to Sector 37 to Santokh Singh Nursing Home. It is Friday night, three o’clock in the morning. There are two Sardar doctors with surgical masks looking down at me, of which one is Dr. Santokh. So clearly not a fancy hospital, more of a cottage industry, family business setup. Kind of scary. Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight and your pilot was Captain Thansa. They put a plastic cap on my face. I hear… “ssssssss” Which worries me. It’s not a Punjabi sound I’m familiar with. If the machine went, “prrrrrrrrrrrra,” I’m on board. They’re like, “Uh, Vir, could you count from one to 20?” Which I do, and the Sardars are suitably impressed. And… Fuck, man. All right, uh… And now all three of us are just awkwardly looking at each other because everybody in the hospital is still very much awake. So now the two Sardars have a conversation. “I, uh, think he’s still awake.” “Hainji? Really? What gave it away, huh? Was it the fact that his eyes are open and he’s looking at us right now?” “Fuck you, Bunty! Don’t give me attitude, all right?” Shhhhh! “Uh, Vir, could you sing the National Anthem?” So, naked… lying down on a bed, I go… …and pass out. Now, Indians, I know why you’re upset. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “He didn’t stand for the National Anthem.” Even Americans are like, “Could he take a knee?” “No, I couldn’t fucking take a knee.” I wake up 12 hours later. Dr. Santok is standing above me looking very pissed off because he has stopped believing the beautiful lie. And he says, “Vir, your stomach was not hurting, was it?” – “It is sore…” – “Shut up! We could get into so much trouble… if people found out that two Sardar doctors… could not tell a 12-year-old was lying to them. Because when we opened you up, we found a perfectly healthy appendix in there… so we removed it anyway.” And that’s the power of a beautiful lie. You can give yourself appendicitis. What, you guys don’t believe me? Really? Who believes me? Raise your hands. Who doesn’t believe me? Raise your hands. I’m hurt, San Francisco. Legit hurt. Has anybody here had appendicitis? If you had appendicitis, raise your hands. Yeah, buddy, do you have a scar? How big is it? Is it about that big, yeah? Is it this big? Oh, shit just got real, huh, San Francisco, huh? That’s pretty big, right? That means when they were in there, they looked around and shit. There was a normal Punjabi surgery happening. You think the two Sardars had a conversation? “Uh, Bunty, do you see a perfectly healthy appendix?” “No, Santok, it looks kind of disheveled and it’s curving to the left.” “Bunty, that’s not his appendix.” So now I just lie and everybody around me is happier for it, I think. Look how happy you look right now. Maybe it’s because half the shit that I’ve told you tonight is a complete lie. Maybe, I never grew up in Africa. I never did a world tour. My granddad isn’t even dead. We flew him in for the Netflix special. “Baba, just stand up and take a bow, please.” Okay, my granddad actually is dead, but how much fun was that lie? That was fun. That was fun, guys. That was fun. So I’m in therapy. I’m in therapy because I lost 80% of my mind. It’s very freeing. Now, see, Indians are so uncomfortable. We treat therapy like it’s an STD, right? Keep it down. Keep it quiet. Don’t tell anybody. But there might be a day in your life when you need to go to therapy, when you need help, and that’s okay. Maybe you have a loss. Maybe you have a heartbreak. Me, I did a movie called Mastizaade. Now, we’re gonna pause the show again, so I can explain to the American people what Mastizaade is. Look, Americans… Mastizaade was a really big budget sex comedy film… starring me. And the worst thing about Mastizaade, there’s no defense for how bad that movie was. Like, me trying to defend Mastizaade is like Hitler going, “Look, some of those Jews were assholes.” And the worst thing about Mastizaade is that it’s on Netflix. If you type “Vir Das” on Netflix, you will find Mastizaade next to this shit. But when I did Mastizaade, I did something that every Bollywood actor has done at some point in his career. I starred in a shitty movie. Fair? Fair? Did I know before I did it that it was a shitty movie? Yes! Fuck, yes, I knew it was a shitty movie. I read the script. It was, “Party, party, shit, shit, the end.” But I was kind of desperate. I needed the money and I got to romance Sunny Leone on screen for two months. Sunny Leone, one of the most beautiful women in the world, and you think… you think you are going to have cool stories to tell your children when they’re growing up. You tell them how you were Employee of the Month at KPMG or some shit like that. My kids are gonna be running up to me with iPads, “Papa, this lady?” “I love you, Papa. You’re my hero!” “Get in the Maruti.” She’s intelligent. She’s talented. She’s beautiful. She’s an entrepreneur. She’s down-to-earth, which is why when the movie came out, nobody got mad at her. Everybody got mad at… me. The Times of India is the largest circulated newspaper in the world. They had a supplement article with a headline that said, “Vir Das has committed career suicide. That’s if he had a career in the first place.” And then my phone stopped ringing… for five months. Fucking Vodafone wouldn’t call me. Once a month, that Airtel girl would put on a nun’s outfit, call me, and be like, “Shame, shame,” and put the phone down. And that’s what I felt. I felt intense, crippling shame, like I had messed up everything I had built for ten years. Eventually, all I did was really learn a lesson. Here’s the lesson I learned. I learned… …that your talent belongs to you… and weirdly, your reputation belongs to other people. Like, other people will decide when you are cool, uncool, finished, relevant, irrelevant, want a selfie, don’t care. It’s none of your business. Don’t think about that shit. It’s a disease. You can’t control it. Focus on the talent you have in front of you and you’ll always be okay. That’s what I learned. And I plan to take that suffering and that bleeding… and everything I went through… and put it all into Mastizaade 2, coming out in October, guys. It’s gonna be on Netflix. It’s gonna be fucking awesome. You know what I was trying to do with that movie? I was trying to get more famous really fast. That’s all it was. And I did. I got 20% more fame at the expense of 80% of my credibility. But we’re sold on these Bollywood dreams when we’re in school, right? We see Shahrukh Khan on TV. India’s biggest star spreading his arms and a girl runs towards him. And you’re like, “Man, I wanna do that some day.” And I did. I lived that dream. And when you do that shit, you discover that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off. It’s terrifying. You need balls to pull that off. You know how actors have inner monologues? That’s what you tell yourself. “I have balls. I have balls. Big, big balls. Big, big balls.” Come, look at my balls. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you now. Come on, everybody sing the song. “I have balls. I have balls. Big, big balls. Big, big balls.” And then you stay there… anticipating… longing… ’cause the girl is running towards you in slow motion. D-dshhhh. D-dshhhh. That’s the shit you see. I see… Ta-ta-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta! They shoot that shit in real time. Three seconds, she has arrived. You’re like, “Listen, I haven’t acted yet. Could you do another lap, please?” D-dshhhh. So, an Indian heroine spends her whole day just doing athletics. She’s got 90 kilos of embroidery and gold and jewels. You can see diamonds just flying off her as she’s running. You see the Queen of England behind her just picking that shit up. You see Nirav Modi behind that bitch picking shit up as well. When you live that dream… and 80% of that dream is over, all it does is give you more dreams. So now I don’t know if I want to be a Bollywood hero anymore. I want to be a superhero. I’m gonna just put this out there into the universe. I want to be an Indian superhero in a Marvel movie. #MakeVirMarvel All right, uh… It could happen, right? Did you see Black Panther? Did you see Black Panther? Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa, it made me so happy to see… You know, it just made me happy to see African voices and African perspectives and African fashion, packaged together beautifully to make money for nine white people. It made me so happy, guys. Black people, God bless you. You just got Slumdogged. But my point is they still got their movie. They got Black Panther. Where is ours? Where is Brown Cow? Don’t you want to see Brown Cow, huh? You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now. It’s the end of the movie. Nothing is going well. All five Avengers are dead. Thanos is about to kill the world. The Earth is about to explode. All of a sudden, you hear… And a big cow comes and sits down in the center of the movie. And just like Indian traffic, the entire movie comes to a standstill around the cow. Thanos tries to kill the cow. 40 BJP supporters surround Thanos. “This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God. This is our Mother. This is our God.” – The Tesseract falls to the floor. – They’re like… “This is where the temple will be.” Because that is the defining political question of India for 30 years. “Build a temple or a mosque?” Fuck that! Make some parathas. Feed them to everyone. I know it seems far-fetched, but I’m a man. You see this shit? This is all men. And men are defined by their unrealistic dreams. I’m a dreamer, San Francisco. Like, here’s a dream I have. I dream that… one day… monkeys will give scientists equal rights. For too long we have oppressed scientists… from their dream of becoming monkeys. Because in those beautiful five seconds when you fall asleep at night, when your dreams mesh into your reality… all a scientist dreams of being… …is a monkey. Do you feel me, San Francisco? No? Are you on board? No? And that’s how I feel about feminism. Okay, women, calm the fuck down. Jesus Christ! Did you feel the energy shift in the room, huh? Just the BuzzFeed articles rising in their bodies. Did you feel that shit? The dictionary defines feminism as the advocacy of equal rights based on the equality of the sexes. I’m on board with only the first half of that sentence. I believe we deserve equal rights. I do not believe in the equality of the sexes. I believe that women are beautiful, intelligent, layered, complex creatures. Men are with them. My definition of feminism is not letting a woman be whatever a man can be. It’s letting a woman be whatever a woman wants to be. To limit… To limit a woman to the achievements of a man is to ask a scientist to become a monkey. Feel better, ladies, yeah? You’re so stupid, you believe anything. All right, uh… No, whoa, whoa! Calm down. I identify as a feminist. If you do, clap your hands, please, yes? Isn’t it a wonderful feeling, guys, huh? Isn’t the best thing about it that you can identify as a feminist and feel like one without actually doing anything about it? You can just feel it… on the inside. That’s Indian feminism. We identify and fuck off. It’s feminism, not the Gymkhana Club. You don’t need a membership card. If there’s one thing we can learn from racists, it’s less talk, more action. You don’t see racists identifying as racists, writing blogs about feeling the racism inside. No, they just wake up in the morning and they do racist shit every day, all day long, with commitment, and look how far their movement has come. They’re running your country, my country, Britain. Well done, racists. I say, “Well done, racists.” And, no, you know the best thing about racism? Anybody can be a racist. They let you in, irrespective of, like, your income group, your sexual preference, your nationality. Racism is a very inclusive movement, guys. With this whole feminism bit, ladies, I’m not trying to pander to you. I’m not trying to tell you what you need to hear because guess what? I’m a man. I don’t know, we haven’t shut the fuck up long enough to know what you want to hear, all right? All right? So, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know how to be a feminist. I spoke to one and she said, “If you want to be a good feminist, forget how you treat women, begin with how you view yourself as a man because 80% of masculinity is bullshit.” And you think about that… Like, aren’t you tired of being a man? Can’t we just be male? Because being a man is fucking exhausting. And it affects the way you treat other people. Like, why do we have to show strength every day? Men have to show strength all the time in physical activities. Like you, buddy. Come here, shake my hand, please. If you can. Thank you so much. Why do I squeeze his hand so hard? Why are men expected to do this? Does this achieve anything? Yeah, what do I think? Toothpaste is going to come out of your ears? Is this powerful? No. You know what I like to do? I take a man’s hand and I kiss it. And then I watch as his life falls apart in front of me. As he quickly checks to see if there’s any movement in his underwear whatsoever. Why do men have to defend women like they’re objects? I’m sorry. I don’t defend my wife anymore. If somebody insults my wife, I inform them that their insult could have been more accurate. Oh, you think she looks slutty now? You should have seen her in 2014. That was her thigh-high boots year. Speaking of which, why are men so obsessed with wardrobe? Not ours, yours. You think women care about what women wear? No, we care about what women wear. We look at your wardrobe like it’s the Rosetta Stone, just looking for hidden messages in that shit. Every time a woman in India wears something revealing, like many of you are doing tonight, Indian men say shit like, “Oh, she’s asking for it.” Am I wrong, ladies? Have you heard that in your lives, yeah? Our politicians have said that shit on the news. “She was asking for it.” Which is bullshit. The infinite beauty and fun of being a woman is if she’s asking for it? She can just ask for it. Because it is available, I promise you. She can just think of it and 20 “its” will line up outside her door. For a woman, the world is Amazon.in. You can ask for it, compare it, size of it, deliver it, Prime it, non-Prime it. Cash on delivery, whatever you like. That’s the beauty of being a woman. It’s so specific. You get to ask for it. It! Men, we just want to get some. But nobody’s looking for hidden messages in men’s clothing, are they? I could wear a T-shirt that said, “Fuck me in the ass.” I give you full permission to fuck me in the ass and nobody would do anything about that. They’d just be like, “Well, that’s a cool souvenir.” Yet, men have the freedom to wear whatever we want… within limits. You know, you can’t just drape two bed sheets around yourself and run an investment bank. But you can run Uttar Pradesh. So, how do we get women the freedom to wear whatever women want to wear? I’m proposing humbly a two-week course in school where all children cross-dress. All boys wear girls’ clothing, every single item, all girls wear boys’ clothing, every single item, so that the right dots connect in your mind as an adult. So, the next time you Indian boys, you go out to a club and you see a beautiful girl walking towards you, just mini-skirt, cleavage, heels… …your first thought as an Indian male is, “Her feet must be tired, man. Five-inch. Her under-boob must be so sore with the wire all tight jammed in there.” Most guys aren’t laughing ’cause you don’t know there’s a wire in the under-boob. You just thought there was 300 bucks in there for a rainy day, right? That’s how Indian aunties go shopping like ninjas. Hatsa-hatsa-hatsa! They pay from this one and put the change in that one. It’s debit, credit. I don’t know, that’s just my opinion. Ladies, it’s more valuable than yours. I come from India. We don’t even want you to cultivate an opinion. We oppress the Indian girl child by keeping her out of school. Are you familiar with this problem, yeah? Man, I think every single school in India should adopt disco nightclub policy. Couple entry only. If you are enrolling a boy, somebody has to enroll a girl. There are problems with this strategy. India has 72 million uneducated Indian men left over if you do this. What do you do with these fuckers? I’m proposing a new armed force. Like America has the First Response, call these guys the Worst Response. So every time India is at war with a country, you send these Indian men in and tell them to just exist. “Go to that country and exist.” Within one month, they’ll be shitting on monuments, spitting in public, starting illegal businesses, immigration rackets. Just distracting the opponent, then the army goes in there and kicks ass. Before you send in the troops, you send in the choots, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my strategy. Mission accomplished. Mission… …accomplished. And that’s a question I have about men. When 99% of men are failures, why are we so obsessed with the idea of accomplishment? The idea of success? If a man got up on a stage and told people that in the last two years, he had lost his fame, his fortune, his patriotism, his nationality, his religion, his credibility, his masculinity and his mind, is he even a man? Or is he just 20% of one? I don’t know. I’m just here for the beef. A human being needs nine to ten ounces of beef every 15 years to stay healthy. A fucking doctor told me that shit. We ain’t done yet, San Francisco. Do you want to know what my job was in 2002? Yeah! I was a dishwasher in Chicago. Now… No, no, no. Indians, don’t get sad and sentimental. Fuck you! The minute you mention any other profession apart from doctor, lawyer, or engineer, Indians are like, “See, he struggled. He struggled.” I did not struggle. This is not an inspirational story. Being a dishwasher in America is fantastic. You get head gear, mouth gear, rubber gloves, apron, brushes, detergents. We give less equipment to a surgeon… …at Santokh Singh Nursing Home. When you’re a dishwasher, you spend most of your day watching food leave the kitchen. The one thing I always loved to watch was a beautiful piece of beef, ten ounces. The filet mignon. I’m sorry, Indians, “filet migg-non”. And sometimes that piece of meat would come back unfinished, a few bites left, and it just… God, it bred this… …this darkness, this resentment inside of me. I said, “Look at these fucking Americans wasting their beef! How dare you? You know, one day I will go back to India and there I can eat all the beef I want.” But you have to understand. This was a $29 steak. To me back then, spending 29 bucks on beef represented everything in the world I didn’t have. You know, peace of mind, success, the ability to kill a god. And so as a treat for myself, I’d been saving up for that steak dinner, and I had the money, and just before I could eat it, the American government took my dream away. They didn’t ban beef. My visa expired. I had to leave. You’ll find out. Um… And like I said, I didn’t think about that beef for 15 years until last month. True story. Last month, I went back to my college, Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. Uh, I was their commencement speaker. I got given an honorary doctorate. Um… I’m Dr. Das now. And you did well in your board exams. But much better than receiving my degree for saving lives… what felt a lot better was the meal I had after. Because after that, after 15 years, I walked into the Grand Lux Cafe on Michigan Avenue in Chicago where I washed dishes for two years and I ordered the filet mignon and I finished every bite of that steak. Kind of. This is not an inspirational story. Keep your shit together. I’ve had maybe 300, 400 steaks in my life. Don’t tell the BJP. And that steak… was the most… average steak I have ever eaten in my life. It was a shitty steak. I don’t know what I thought would happen. That I’d take one bite and the lighting in the restaurant would change, and music would begin to play and all the waiters would start a slow clap and they’d come and put their forks and knives on my table like the faculty from A Beautiful Mind? And two children would stand up on chairs and salute me and be like, “My captain, beef captain?” But none of that shit happened. In reality, I just sat there and I did something that I haven’t had time to do in three years. I just… thought about shit. And I thought about how many Hindus this story is going to piss off. There’s gonna be some Tweets. Or maybe they don’t care as long as it’s not a brown cow. I thought… about how eating an average piece of beef still felt better than shooting an average movie. I thought about how this might be a story my grandfather Baba would tell. “Huh, we used to wait 15 years for one piece of beef.” And then I thought I should stop eating this because this is a shit steak. And my stomach will hurt for real soon. Then my waitress came over and I noticed her looking at my unfinished piece of beef. She said, “Are you all set?” “Yeah. I’m done.” “So you’re finished?” “No.” And then I did the most un-Indian thing I might have ever done. I tipped… …well. My check was $42. I left my waitress a $350 tip with a note… that said, “Look, I know where you are right now because I’ve been here too. But you won’t always be here, I promise you. Just know that.” Smiley face. Which is a pretty sweet thing to say. Can we agree on that, yeah? Like, that’s the lesson I learned. If you want to feel good again, stop constructing good things for yourself. Just say good shit to other people and you’ll feel amazing. And if you’re gonna say good shit to other people, make damn sure that you say it… out loud. Because if you write it down on a piece of paper… in block letters… “I know where you are right now… …because I’ve been here too. But you won’t always be here… I promise you. Just know that.” Smiley face. She probably ran into the kitchen like, “This Indian guy wants to fuck me for 350 bucks! What the hell do I do?” So I panic and I run out of this restaurant, and I see that the waitress is running after me. And she stops me and she’s like, “Wait, you left me a $350 tip.” And I tell her the two-minute version of what it just took me an hour to tell you guys. She’s like, “Wow, that’s a crazy story. I just thought you miscalculated the tip.” But it seemed unlikely because, you know, Indian people… you’re, like, so smart.” Good night. Thank you so much, San Francisco.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-holmes-dirty-clean-transcript/

(crowd murmurs) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes! (crowd cheering) Hello, everybody! How’s it going? Thank you so much! Sit down! Have a seat! Thank you! (audience cheers) Thank you very, very much. Thank you, guys! Look at you! (scattered cheering) (audience laughs) We’re here! -(more cheers) -You– yeah! You made it! I’m proud of you! We’re doing something! (laughter) (laughter) You– I mean it. (laughter) This is sincere. You left the house? (laughter) That’s no small feat! You know how hard it is to leave– I think you do! (laughter) It’s fucking hard to leave the house. You should be proud you left the– you know… What’s in the house? Fucking everything. (laughter) Fucking everything is in the house. All your food, oooh, your little snacks. (laughter) The long chair you call a couch. Ooooh, so comfy! (laughter) -Climate control. -(laughter) You can close the door. There’s that click. Hear that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter. -(laughter) -That’s a good feeling. You close the door, and your lizard brain hears the click. It’s like, “Let’s remain here.” (laughter) “Stay here forever.” Not you guys! You’re like, “Fuck it, we’re going into the dark night.” (laughter) “We’ll find parking. We’ll make it work!” (laughter) You’re like Dora the goddamn Explorer-ers! I am impressed! I’m honored! What did you pass up in your homes? Any movie? (laughter) You guys said no to any movie… (laughter) to come to this, to roll the dice on live entertainment. (laughter and cheers) Yeah, sure… (more cheers) I agree. And it could go either way. (laughter) So glad. I– really what I was about to say… (laughing) I’m so glad this is going well. (cheers) I know, it’s weird. (applause) We all– we all want it to be good. You know what I mean? We’re all in the same boat. I’m being filmed, you’re being filmed, too. Some of you were like, “Ahhhhhh!” And there’s– (laughter) There’s a camera right next to you, you’re like, “How do I laugh normal?” (laughter) (unnatural laughing) “Ha ha haaaa– oh no!” (Pete screams) Don’t be nervous. It’s gonna be fine. I dressed up– this is dressed up for me. Some comedians wear suits for their specials, this is a suit for me. A hard pant. I don’t wanna be wearing these hard pants. What the fuck am I doing in these hard, non-giving pants? All day before I changed for the show, (laughing) I was head-to-toe Lululemon, okay? (laughter) It’s true! All day, I was rockin’ the dream. I was wearing head-to-toe Lululemon. If you don’t know what Lululemon is… you’re a good person. (laughter) Lululemon is high-end yoga-wear for assholes who don’t do yoga. (laughter) And I am one of them. I am one of those assholes. I like it, I love it. My guy friends give me shit. They tease me for wearing– for wearing Lulu. They’re like, “There’s a men’s section?” I’m like, “Yeah, you gotta look for it.” (laughter) “It moves around. You can find it.” (laughter) I like it. They think women don’t like a guy in a Lulu. I disagree… I think women like a guy in a Lulu. ‘Cause if I go up to a woman wearing Lululemon, it does all the work for me. Before I even say anything, it non-verbally transmits just, “Hey… relax.” (laughter) “Nothing bad is about to happen to you.” (laughter) No one has ever gone up to a cop like, “He went that way! He’s wearing Lululemon!” (laughter) “Go now! He’s fast and nimble! He can move and bend in ways your uniform does not allow!” (laughter) That’s never happened. Mike Pence looks like a clear gummy bear– is that… (laughter and cheers) Is that anything? (laughter) He looks like a clear– he looks like a clear gummy bear that, like, kind of got his shit together. You know what I mean? He bought a suit, like a human suit… He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands, like… (laughter) He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, “Hello.” (laughter) “Hello, Mr. President.” (laughter) Look at him go! That fucking piña colada gummy bear got all the way to the Oval Office. (laughter) Like, he’s a bad guy, but that’s impressive for a candy. (laughter) “Please don’t leave me in a hot car.” (laughter) Like, Mike Pence has said he doesn’t wanna be left in a room alone with a woman that’s not his wife. I don’t think that’s sexual. (laughing) I think he’s too delicious. (laughter) (cheers and applause) If you laughed at that, you’re gonna love this show. You’re gonna– you picked the right night. You picked the right night. (Pete sighs) My wife and I– this is exciting, uh, we just had a baby, so we have that. (cheers and applause) Thank you very much. I’m so glad that you guys are baby positive. The baby’s only about a month old. -But when I started doing sets– -Man: Whoo! I know, it’s crazy! She just got here! Where was she? (laughter) I was sleeping next to my wife, and consciousness flipped on in her belly, just, bink, it’s here now and it’s my responsibility. It’s insane! But you guys are positive. -I’ve been talking about the baby on stage. -(woman cheers) Right when it was born– she was born, I was like, “We just had a baby.” Someone in the audience just like you guys went, “Yeah, your life’s over.” (laughter) “Bye-bye, life! “Bye-bye, life! Your life, that’s over! Your life is over!” (laughter) And I was like, “Yeah, I don’t fucking care.” I had a good run. I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like, “You guys eaten cheese?” Like, let’s fucking… (laughter) -Let’s mix this up. -(cheers) I can’t be forty like, “I’m really looking forward to the new Joker movie.” Like, let’s get some new people in here. (laughter) It’s not that bad. People all warn you that you don’t sleep. You sleep, you just sleep different. You sleep in bursts. Sleep for, like, three hours, and you’re up for an hour, sleep for two hours, and you’re up for an hour. It’s fine. Cause the best part of sleep… is falling asleep. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. (laughter) It’s the only part you’re there for. The rest is just a coma. When you say you love sleep, you mean that moment where you’re waiting and you’re like, “Oh, here we go!” -Like that… -(laughter) That’s what you mean. When you cascade into the caramel waterfall, and it’s a surprise every time, like, “Oh, it’s got me!” (laughter) Where you’re the spoonful of sugar and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea that is slumber and you’re like, “I’m going away!” That is the best part of sleep. It’s the only good part of sleep. And because I have a baby now, I get to do this 22 times a night. (laughter) It’s the best! (cheers and applause) I was getting up to pee anyway. (laughter) It’s funny when you go to the hospital, you have the baby, they give you a baby. (laughter) They give you your baby. I knew it was my baby. My baby looks so much like me, it feels impolite. (laughter) Like, it’s not supposed to be– It came out, it was embarrassing. I was like, “Oh shit. It’s me.” Like, that’s not… It’s like my genes are assholes. They’re bully genes. They got in the mix and my genes were just like, “We know what to do!” (laughter) “This guy’s nose… “this guy’s lips… this guy’s labia.” It’s my baby. (laughter) It’s embarrassing. (laughter) You’re supposed to go 50/50 with your wife. You’re supposed to puff-puff-pass the baby… (laughter) and I bogarted the baby. (laughter) So they gave me the baby and I was like, “Face match I.D., a hundred percent.” (laughter) But before you leave the hospital, they all say the same thing– the parents will know. They all give you the same advice, every single nurse, there’s like twenty nurses. They all told us, they go, “Hey… Never shake a baby.” (laughter) Over and over, another nurse. “Really, really… “Hey, listen up. Don’t shake a baby.” There’s posters that say, “Never…” ever… shake a baby.” Val and I were like, “What the fuck? “Who would shake a baby? We’re, like, in love with this little baby.” What they don’t tell you… is you’re gonna want to shake that baby. (laughter) Ooooo, you’re gonna want to shake the shit out of that baby. (laughter) You are gonna be tempted as fuck to shake, like a goddamn Etch-A-Sketch, or a hysterical woman in an office in the ’60s, like, “Goddamn it, Diane!” But you want to shake the baby. (laughter) I wish I knew. It’s not like it’s out of nowhere. It’s not like you’re having a quiet night at home and the baby’s in the crib and you’re like, “Oh, I got an idea.” (laughter) It’s not that. They tell you, when the baby cries, rock the baby. They tell you, swing the baby. This is code… for kind of shake your baby. (laughter) So the baby starts crying a little bit, you shake it a little bit, and it works. Then it starts crying a lot, turns bright red, it’s screaming in your face, and you’re like, “Wha–?” (laughter) It stands to reason. (laughter) You want to. (laughter) The logic tracks. But you can’t. ‘Cause you guys know– I’m sure some of you know. You know what happens, what the disease is called if you shake a baby? (audience speaking indistinctly) Shaken– yes. Shaken… Baby… Syndrome. That’s the name of the disease. It might as well be called, “Dad Lost It.” (laughter) The disease includes what happened. It’s like a shame disease. It’s like a scarlet letter name for a disease. It’s made to dissuade you from doing it. ‘Cause you can’t be casual. You can be casual about other diseases. You can be like, “Yeah, I gotta go home. “My baby’s got a little bit of jaundice. It’s not a big deal, she’s just working through some jaundice.” You can’t be– you can’t be like you, “We got to go home…” (laughter) “My baby’s got… Shaken Baby Syndrome.” (laughter) “Yeah, I don’t know what happened.” (laughter) “It’s going around, it’s going around. She caught it. It’s in the air, it’s in the air.” Everyone knows some shit went down. You can’t– there’s no excuse. You can’t be like, “Yeah, we went off-roading. “Umm… “I told her to buckle up, but she’s a little Guy Fieri. She doesn’t give a fuck.” -(laughter) “She got tossed and tousled, she’s fucked up now. -I have no idea.” -(laughter) Can’t be like, “I put her on my cell phone, it was on vibrate, got a few calls, she’s different now.” (laughter) I haven’t– I’ve never shaken the baby. You don’t shake the baby. You want to. (laughter) I wish someone told me. I’m like, “Am I a monster?” “No, it’s everybody.” (laughter) I love having a baby, Baby Lilo. I love her. She’s amazing. And it’s not that hard. Getting a dog— I never had a dog my whole life. Getting a dog, honestly, was more confusing than getting a baby– “getting a baby.” “We got a baby.” (laughter) Honestly, getting a dog was different, cause a fucking dog– it’s not even your species. It’s just a wild animal you were like, “You wanna– you wanna be in here?” (laughter) “Hey, you, eating the pigeon bones… You wanna be in here?” (laughter) Like your baby– when your baby cries, it’s a human. I have a human baby. When it cries, you have a guess. You’re like, “It’s probably hungry. It’s hot, or it’s cold, has gas.” These are the problems that I have. (laughter) So you’re like, “I got it.” I have no idea what my dog wants. My best guess? Never-ending eye contact? (laughter) I’m trying to watch “Great British Bake Off,” he’s just down there, just like, “Hey, Dad.” (laughter) “Over here.” “What the fuck do you want?” I don’t know what he wants. I was raised with cats, and you can kind of tell. (laughter) You can kind of tell I was raised with cats. That’s the worst heckle you can give me, is laughing at that. (laughter) You can tell I was raised with cats because the command I most often give my dog is, “Go live your life.” (laughter) I don’t know what he wants. They’re– they’re needy, I just didn’t know how needy a dog is. I’ve been out of the house for two days. If my dog had a cell phone, I’d have 4,022 missed calls. 4,022 texts… of the bone emoji and the walk emoji. (laughter) He’d be face-timing me right now just like, “Look in these baby-browns, Dad. Look in these goddamn baby-browns.” You look for your cat, you hide from your dog. Does that make sense? (laughter) You don’t know where your fucking cat is. Like, people say cats are evil, and they are… But they’re also all set. You know what I mean? They’re fine. They’re off learning to fucking meditate or some shit. They’re rolling their own cigarettes. (laughter) When I left the house, with my dog I had to, like, toss a tuna steak and do a barrel-roll out the window, just so he wouldn’t be like, “Is this forever?” (laughter) But if you have a cat and you see your cat, you’re excited, you’re like– it’s like a B-list celebrity sighting. (laughter) It’s like seeing John Stamos napping in a sunbeam in your kitchen. (laughter) Like, “Oh, my God! We have a cat?” Scoop it up, “I knew I wasn’t crazy!” You take pictures with the cat, selfies with the cat, prove you have a cat. Put the cat down, he’s like, “Don’t tag me. Don’t tag me.” (laughter) I’m being real with you, I don’t know how smart animals are. I know there are different levels, right? There are different levels of smartness? Like my neighbor, he has two dogs. He was telling me that he has a big dog and he has a little dog, and when he goes out of town, he has to tape newspaper to the reflective glass of his fireplace. Otherwise– listen to this, the little dog will see his reflection and think there’s a second little dog stuck in the place that he’s only ever seen burst into flames. (laughter) So he’s just like, “Heyyyyy! “Hey!… Hey!… Hey! H”ey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I ain’t goin’ nowhere, brother!” (laughter) ‘Cause he’s a goddamn hero. (laughter) But when my neighbor told me that his little dog doesn’t understand reflections, all I heard was… the big dog does? (laughter) Like, I’m a human being, I don’t understand reflections. You’re telling me a slightly larger dog is like… “I get it.” (laughter) “That ain’t me. “I’m me, that looks like me. I know what I look like, but that’s a trick of the eye.” (laughter) “Life… (scoffs) It’s a mystery. “It’s a particle and a wave. “It’s both. “Some of the particles go through the glass, “that’s why we can see what’s illuminated “inside the fireplace. “But then a rather arbitrary amount bounce back and frame me in light.” (scoffing) “I love science.” (laughter and applause) “I love science. “I love it. I love science and licking my own asshole.” (enthusiastic dog gibberish) I got married this year, too. Big year, baby and married. (cheers and applause) Thank you. Sweet Lady Val. I’m glad you guys are pro-baby. I’m glad you’re pro-marriage. A lot of my friends in L.A., anti-marriage. Showbiz town, nobody gets married. I’ve noticed that the same group, though, that is anti-marriage, they’re all pro-tattoo. (laughter) It’s the same group. They come up to me and they’re just like, “I don’t know, man. “I don’t know how you can make a commitment of that magnitude.” (laughter) I’m like, “You have the word ‘sublime’ on your neck.” (laughter) “Every job interview you go on, “they’re gonna be looking at that old-English ‘sublime,’ and they’re gonna be thinking,” ♪ Uhh, caress me down ♪ “Like that?” (laughter) That’s a commitment. My wife is amazing. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s my best friend, she’s got big ol’ titties. So, yeah… (laughter and cheers) Now, she loves this joke. Don’t worry, she loves this joke. (laughter) She got– you got big ol’ titties, and I wanna talk about it. (laughter) I’m tired of not talking about it. My wife has big boobs. You know why? ‘Cause I don’t give up on my goddamn childhood dreams. (cheers and applause) I’m not a quitter. Eight-year-old me… Eight-year-old me fucking loves me. When I was eight, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big boobs and a race car bed, and I am halfway there. (laughter) Big boobs are interesting. I feel for her, ’cause she can’t really hide ’em. She can cover ’em up, but everybody knows. They’re there. It’s like throwing a tarp over a porch of a house. (laughter) No one looks at the house like, “Look at that house that doesn’t have a porch.” (laughter) You can still see the shape and the size. You’re like, “That house has some big-ass porches.” Like, you know. I feel bad, like, you can hide a big ol’ dick. (laughter) No one has to know. You can send it down one leg. You can curl it up like a Cinnabon. (laughter) It’s a reveal. On the big night, it’s a reveal. You’re like, “Yeaaahhhhhh!” (laughter) “That’s why I’m so confident!” -Like… -(laughter) With big boobs, everyone can tell. Everyone can tell, which can be awkward sometimes. Like, she had to meet my parents. What do you do? (laughter) You just have to own it. You’re just like, “Mom, Dad, as you can see…” (laughter) “This is what your son is into.” (laughter) (blubbering) (laughter) “Mom, you remember.” (laughing) It’s weird whenever you meet somebody’s significant other. It’s a little too much info. You know what I’m talking about? Especially if you don’t know them, and they’re just like, “This is Tina.” Like, I don’t wanna see that shit. (laughter) I don’t wanna see the manifestation of the recesses of your sexual subconscious. You’re just like, “Yeah, this is what makes me rock hard.” (laughter) “Fucking beat it, Dan. We’re in a Chipotle, keep that shit to yourself.” I’m like, “What did Val’s parents do to her that this is what she wants?” (laughter) Like, that she wants this ogre Lithuanian that’s like, “What’s going on, you guys?” (laughter) We got engaged– some of you might know this story. We got engaged in a hot air balloon, ’cause I’m not fucking around. She mentioned when we were dating that she always wanted to go in a hot air balloon, so I wrote it down. Then four years later, I was like, “It’s time to get married. I want to get married. Let’s go hot air balloon.” She knew. She knew what was up. It wasn’t a surprise. You know, she knew we were gonna get engaged. You can’t just roll up to a hot air balloon… (laughter) wearing your one sport coat. (laughter) Just like, “We’ve been dating for four years. Would you like to hover in a basket for no reason?” (laughter) “Would you like to be adrift airborne for no reason whatsoever?” She knew. She’s not a dummy. In fact, if she had been surprised, I might have called it off. -Like, if… -(laughter) But I didn’t think it through. The– the basket’s fucking tiny. It’s the size of, like, four pizza boxes. So when I got in, it’s already pretty much full. And then I was like, “This’ll be fine, Val. We’ll get in. It’ll be a romantic day.” What I didn’t consider is there’s another– (laughter) there’s another fucking guy. (laughter) Of course, there’s another guy to fly the balloon. And he gets in and he’s right here. I can feel the tickle of this stranger’s whiskers, just like… I can feel the heat of his breath, and he’s just– he was like a man’s man. He’s like a Ben Affleck character. He’s wearing like a Carhartt jacket with scuffs on and he’s watching you. He’s just like, (chewing gum sound) (hot air balloon torch sound) (laughter) He was kind of ruining the day. He kept calling everything gay. (audience exclaims) I know! Biggest day of my life, he’s up there just like, “That’s Janet Jackson’s ranch down there… fucking gay.” (balloon torch sound) (balloon torch sound) “I used to work at that deli. They fired me. Huh, fucking gay.” (balloon torch noise) I was like, “Sir, You pilot a balloon.” (laughter and applause) “You pilot a rainbow-colored balloon, “soaring majestic over the Wine Country of Santa Barbara. Maybe cool it on the ‘gays.'” (laughter) But it was enough. It was enough to shake me. He’s right here. I was planning to be very flowery, I was gonna be like, “Val, ever since “I first saw you, I knew… You are like the sun, and the moon, and the sky.” But I got this fucking– (laughter) “You gonna do it?” (laughter) So I got nervous– this is a hundred percent real. I took the ring out. Val acted surprised, “Oooo!” Nice girl. But I froze up. I just went, “Val…” (laughter) “I would be honored to call you my wife.” (laughter) That’s all I said. -(laughter) -I blew it! I didn’t propose. You’re supposed to propose. You’re supposed to say, “Will you marry me?” I just went, “It would be great.” (laughter) “Let’s get the law involved.” (laughter and applause) I didn’t give her anything to respond to. It’s like we were playing tennis, but she didn’t have a racket. I was just like, “pop,” and she was like… (laughter) But she’s good. She said yes. Even though I didn’t say anything, she went, “Yeah!” I put the ring on. I’m wondering what fucking Affleck’s gonna say. I don’t want him to judge me. I don’t want him to be like, “Yeah, Man marrying a woman? That’s fucking gay!” -(balloon torch sound) -(laughter) That’s not what he said. This is a hundred percent real, this is true. It’s dead quiet in the balloon. I just proposed, she said yes. I didn’t propose, but she said yes. What’s the guy gonna say? Hundred percent real. He does two celebratory toots of the flame… (torch sounds) This is a hundred percent real, he goes, “A lot of girls up here… they say no.” (laughter) As if that wasn’t bad enough, then he adds, “One girl said yes in the basket, when we landed said no.” (laughter) “Clever girl.” (laughter) Clever girl? Don’t “Jurassic Park” my engagement story. -(indistinct) -(laughter) Did you know the movie “Three Amigos” was released in Spanish-speaking countries as ” Tres Friends?” (laughter) What else can I tell ya? I’m older. I like traffic. I’m being real with you, I don’t mind traffic. I’m not just doing material that fits my friendly face. (laughter) You can imagine being in traffic and just look at me being all like… (laughter) But I mean it, I don’t mind traffic. Is this a traffic city? (cheers and confirmations) Eh, who cares? (laughter) What’s the big deal? Just sit there. Nothing is being asked of you, just fucking remain. (laughter) Surrender… (Pete laughing) Surrender and remain. I know I’m in the minority. I always look to my left, there’s always a guy in a white BMW that’s like, “God fucking dammit!” A vein in his neck like a white chocolate Snickers bar. (screaming) (laughter) Like, where are you going? Seriously, where are you headed? You stupid bitch… Where are you going? (laughter and applause) Seriously, what is so important? You’re just like… (screams) “I’ll be happy when I’m at work!” (laughter) Be happy now. Enjoy everything. Really… that’s why I don’t use Waze. You guys know what Waze is? Waze is the app that uses crowd-sourced info to get you around traffic. I know a lot of you probably like Waze. Does anybody here hate Waze? (scattered cheers) Fuck Waze. (laughter) I only need a few of you. Fuck Waze. Listen to me. It’s not the way of the soul. (laughter) It’s all head, it’s no heart. Do you know what I mean? It just sucks you in, and you’re just like, “Traffic? Ha! We’ll see about that.” (laughter) Right, left, right, left. Left, left, left. Right, right, left. Right, left, right. “I’m a special boy!” (laughter) Just fucking give up, you stupid bitch. Give up! I don’t need– I don’t need to save five minutes careening through gated communities. (laughter) We don’t belong on those roads. Apple Orchard Lane? Get out of there! And even if you like– Even if you like it, I think we can agree there should be a medium setting. (laughter) Why am I thinking of this? I’m not an app developer. There should be a medium. There’s no medium. It’s either off or Indiana Jones. That’s all you got. It’s either radio silence, or it thinks you’re rushing a kidney to the Obama family. (laughter) But I say fuck it. I mean this. Give up. Surrender. Just get on the freeway with the rest of us. Long, slow, straight. Good. Tune out, listen to music. Why are you so afraid of being alone? Just be with yourself. Call an old friend, keep a friendship alive. Listen to a podcast. My friends all get there– I feel you pulling away. I– my… (laughter) That’s okay. My friends all use Waze, they get to the office five minutes before me. You can tell they use Waze, ’cause they’re white as a sheet. Their eyes are bugging out of their head from making those suicide lefts onto five oncoming lanes of traffic, just like, (screams) (screaming) “This is a shortcut!” (laughter) You can be five minutes early, I’ll be ten minutes late and tell everyone what I learned on “This American Life.” That’s a better way. It’s a better way. (cheers and applause) What I’m saying is enjoy everything. This is all we have. Or maybe it’s not, I don’t know. I won’t make fun of your answers, does anybody here– clap if you believe in an afterlife. (applause) Clap if you don’t believe in it, but you’re open to it. -(applause) -You don’t think there’s evidence, -but you’re open to it. -(applause) Anybody reincarnation? Reincarnation? (scattered clapping) And who thinks it’s just dead over, you just unplug the TV, boom? (applause) I think you’re all right. (laughter) I think those are all correct answers. What I think is funny about it, though, is all my friends think it’s dead over. They just think you unplug the TV, and it’s lights out. And they all say the same thing to me. They’re just like, “Pete, think about it. “Afterlife? “Makes no sense. “Makes no sense, an afterlife. “You think an afterlife makes sense? “You gotta think about that again, cause an afterlife…” (laughter) “Afterlife makes no sense.” And I’m always like, “Yeah, I agree with you. “You know what else makes no sense? Fucking this.” (laughter) “Life makes no fucking sense.” So I would argue that life sets a precedent for potentially more shit that makes no sense. Does that make sense? -(cheers and applause) -But my friends… -Why not? -(applause) But my friends are all like, “Nah, man, there’s this bullshit “that we all woke up in that’s confusing, that none of us asked for.” (laughter) “And then no more bullshit. It’s a one-time bullshit deal.” What? Nothing makes fucking sense. Life makes no sense. You’re on a planet right now. You think you’re in America? Zoom out. (laughter) You’re on a space rock floating in nothingness, infinite nothingness. And the infinite nothingness is expanding. That means endlessness is getting bigger. That makes no fucking sense. (laughter and applause) We all just act like it’s normal. Like, “Oh, we’re– everything’s made of molecules.” “Okay…” (laughter) “Got it. I’ll never think about that again.” I’m made of molecules, you’re made of molecules. The air between us, it’s all made of molecules. That makes no fucking sense. These molecules know they’re molecules? These molecules are like, “I’m Pete.” That doesn’t make any sense. (laughter) This stool is made of molecules, the same molecules in my hand. In fact, some of the molecules in this stool went into me while I’ve been talking, and some that were me have gone into this stool. And you when I knock these molecules into these molecules, when we ask science, “Why don’t they go through each other?” You know what the answer is? “We don’t know.” (laughter) That doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’m open to anything. If I died– listen to me. If I died and it was just kitty cat Thanksgiving, I’d be like, “Yeah, okay. “Makes about as much sense as the fucking conundrum “I was just stuck in. Pass the gravy.” (laughter) I’m not saying it’s for sure, I’m just saying it’s worth debating. It makes me wonder, like… I wonder, as a thought experiment, if we were somewhere before we were here, if we were just mist. Like each of you didn’t have a body, you were just mist, you were just awareness. If we were all just hanging out in some sort of primordial area, just debating the existence of life. Just like, “You believe in life?” (laughter) “Get real!” (laughter) “You think there’s hot dogs and roller skates? You’re a child!” (laughter) “Didn’t you go to college?” Don’t get me wrong, nothing is absolutely one of the choices. Absolutely, I see that for sure, and I’m not afraid of nothing. I’m not afraid of nothing. (laughter) Who fucking cares? It’s nothing. If you’re nothing, people be like, “I don’t wanna be nothing.” Who fu– you won’t be there! Just jump off the high dive into soft, dark soil and you’re like, “Bye-bye, Pete,” like, fine. (laughter) I just don’t wanna go to Hell. (laughing) There’s no Hell! (laughter and applause) Be reasonable, there’s no fucking Hell! (screaming) (laughter) Don’t wanna be wrong about that one. (laughter) If there is a Hell, I don’t think the worst part will be the torture. I think the worst part would be that we don’t get breaks to talk about the torture. (laughter) I think that’s what would make it Hell. Like if they would blow a whistle every twenty minutes, and we all just gather in a common area and drink boiling water. Just like, “What are they doing to you?” I’ll say, “Oh, yeah, I’m in a room with millions of little crabs.” (laughter) “It’s like tiny little crabs and they’re eating me real slow.” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah. With the little nibbles?” “Yeah! Yeah! The little nibbles!” (laughter) “What are they doing to you?” “Oh, I’m getting fucked by a donkey.” (laughter) “Yeah, they’re running out of ideas down here. It’s been a while, we’re falling in love.” (laughter) I think– I think that might be my heaven. Like suffering, then talking about it, suffering, then talking about it. Like what we’re doing here. You know what I’m saying? (laughter and applause) What if the last words of the bible were “You had to be there.” What if that– (laughter) Get to the end, it’s like, “It really would’ve made more sense if you saw this.” (laughter) One of my career goals is to open a Christian buffet called “God Helps Those That Help Themselves.” (laughter) Oh, let’s do this. This is something I want to do. On the count of three… Don’t say anything, don’t say anything. But just check if you have to pee. All of us are gonna do it. At the same time, we’re all gonna check. Don’t say anything. 3… 2… 1… Check if you have to pee. (laughter) What was that? (laughter) I’m serious, what did you just do? Let’s just do it again, especially if you didn’t do it the first time, 3-2-1… Check if you have to pee. What? (laughter) Like, what action did you just command? You’re like, “Okay, go down. Uh, send something down.” (laughter) Like, most of the time, you’re up here. Like, who you are is behind your eyes, and you just sort of puppeteer your body. You know, you’re just kind of dangling down there like a marionette, and you’re like, “Get that Diet Coke. Send the arm.” (laughter) -“Give it to us.” -(chugging noises) (laughter) But every once in a while when you check if you have to pee, you send a little piece of you repelling down on a reconnaissance mission to your dick or your pussy, and you’re just like… (laughter) “30%. I’d say like twenty more minutes.” (laughter) Like, I’m so tired of not talking about this. Your brain is weird. Your brain has eyes. Like, you have eyes, but your brain also has eyes that sees things that only you can see. Like, picture an orange. Keep your eyes open but picture an orange. The fuck? (laughter) Like, really do it, keep ’em open, but think really hard about an orange. What the shit? Just for a second, bink! Just a giant orange. I don’t know how big yours was, mine was giant. Just a giant translucent orange that only you can see. God, I hope you’re stoned. (laughter) God, I hope you’re stoned. But why do you have to be stoned for this to be interesting? Like, your brain has ears. Seriously, it has ears. You have ears, your brain also has ears. Sing “Happy Birthday” in your head; we’ll all do it. Everybody sing “Happy Birthday” in your head right now. (laughter) How are you hearing that? I’m serious, what the fuck is going on? It’s so normal. We’re just like, “Yeah, I could hear it. No one else could hear it. I could hear it.” There’s just a part of you listening, like, “Yeah, Happy Birthday.” (laughter) What’s going on? Make it louder. Let’s sing it again, but make it as loud as you possibly can. Ready? Go. (laughter) Was it louder? Clap if you think it was louder. (applause) Clap if it wasn’t louder, the voice was just going, (shouting) “Happy Birthday…” (applause) Okay, so you can’t make it louder? So there’s just a set volume for your thoughts? How do you know your set volume is the same as my set volume? Maybe some people it’s louder, maybe that’s what crazy people are. They’re not crazy, they just have a fucked up volume. They’re walking around and they’re just like, “Buy a hammer.” “All right!” (laughter) “Kill that pigeon, it’s your dad.” “Okay!” (laughter) “With the hammer?” “Yes.” “Ohhhhh!” (laughter) I was having lunch with a friend of mine. He’s black. I tell you he’s black for a reason, because during the lunch he kept saying the N word. Said it like thirty times. He didn’t say the word, he kept saying, “the N word.” I was like, “Uh, hey… That’s our phrase.” (laughter) Oooo, some of you are sitting that one out, I can see that. There’s a pheromone that white people release when they’re not sure if they can laugh at a joke. They’re like, “I heard the words necessary to make a racist joke, “I’m gonna take a pause here. We’ll laugh in the Audi. It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine.” (laughter) I think it’s interesting, though, there’s some races– It’s 2018, there’s still some races it’s totally fine to be racist towards. I don’t mean like hate speech. I mean like casual, socially-acceptable racism, like towards Italians. Why is that okay? You all know what I’m talking about. I can be with my Italian friends, it’s totally fine for me to be like, “You guys want to, uh– you want to get a… (imitating Italian accent) Pizza pie?” (laughter) (normal voice) What the fuck? Why is that okay? (Italian accent) “Oh, linguine with clams!” (normal voice) I know a lot of you are Italian. I’m not Italian. (Italian accent) “Oh, molto bene !” (normal voice) No one’s gonna tweet about this. This is not a controversy, it’s fine. It’s in our video games. (Italian accent) “It’sa me, Mario.” (laughter) (normal voice) ‘It’sa me?’ ‘It’sa me,’ just an impression of an immigrant struggling with the language. (laughter) (Italian accent) “I’ma Luigi, I’ma gonna win-a.” (normal voice) Don’t tease him, he’s new here. (laughter) Help him find the bus, help him find work. Why is that okay? It’s like a weird blind spot. You can’t say, ‘herrow.’ (laughter) I agree, why is it fine to be like, “Oh, Giuseppe?” Like, it’s crazy… They’re gonna make a Mad Men type show about this time that we’re in now, and we’re all gonna watch and be like, “Huh… Things were different!” Like, it’s not– it’s now. Things are different now. We’re living through a weird fucking time right now. “Ohhhhhhh!” Enjoy it. Three more years. (laughter) We are living in the future. Well, now we are– now. Now. Now is the future– now. Now’s the future. Now. You know what I think is fucking crazy about living now? Elon Musk, you know, the crazy billionaire dude, invented the self-driving car. It’s crazy, this isn’t something they’re working on, they made it. They have a self-driving car now. What I think is funny about that is it doesn’t matter how fancy an invention Elon Musk makes, he’s still just one of these. Does that make sense? Like he’s still– he’s stuck in one of these meat puppets. Just like you and me, just like a baboon, he’s just a guy just going around. There’s some things you can’t upgrade… is my point. Like, he’s working on impossible math to make a self-driving car, but when he gets hungry there’s no technology. He just goes, “Oh, there’s a rumble in my jumble.” Like, he just feels– (laughter) Just like you and me, just goes, “Oh, I gotta eat!” Then he gets a plate. That’s the height of technology, a plate. Just a level surface for his food with a piece of salmon on it, and he wants that salmon in him. It’s too big, so he gets a fork and a knife. That’s the height of the technology. And he cuts it into a mouth-sized piece and he goes, “That’s about right.” It’s too hot, so he goes… (blowing noises) He can’t upgrade this. He just has to go… (blowing noises) “Mouth-wind activate.” (blowing noises) And he puts it in his mouth and he gnaws it. (gnawing sounds) He swallows it like a fucking pelican, cause that’s the best he can do. (gulping noises) You understand? He can’t upgrade this. Like when he has to shit, he doesn’t have a contact lens that goes like, “Elon, shit detected.” (laughter) He just feels it like you and me. He just goes, “Oh, that’s not gas.” (grunting as Elon Musk) “I feel shame.” (laughter) “I feel shame and I want to be alone.” (laughter) So he makes an excuse with his egghead friends. He’s like, “Oh, I have to make a phone call.” But no, he doesn’t. He has to go in a little room and squat on a bowl that’s filled with water. That’s the best we can do. That is the height of the technology. Is a bowl filled with water, and he squats like an ostrich in the Serengeti and he bears down. He goes, “Elon, push…” (grunting) Don’t you back away from me right now, this is what he fucking does. He pushes and he hears, “Plop, plop, plop.” And that’s how he knows progress is being made. (laughter) And then when he thinks he’s done, and he’s not always right… (laughter) When he thinks he’s done, he gets paper. That’s the best we have, paper. You know, from ancient Egypt. And he wipes his shitty ass and then he looks at it. (laughter and applause) Don’t you fucking pull away from me. Everyone in this room knows there’s no better method than the wipe and the look. The old wipe and look. He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, and then he goes, “Oh, I got some work ahead of me.” (laughter) He goes wipe, wipe, wipe, “Getting there.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Clean but I don’t trust it.” Wipe, wipe, wipe, “Good thing I didn’t stop while I was ahead.” (laughter) And then he gets to what he considers an Elon-level of clean, he washes his hands, gets in his car, and goes, (beep sound) “Home.” (laughter) (cheers and applause) Crazy. All porn happened in the past. (laughter) Like, I know there’s cams and stuff, but for the most part, it was earlier. Like we’re ahead of them. Like we’re now and they’re then. They’re like back then and we know shit they don’t know. They’re back then like, “Ohhhhhhhh! I wonder if Hillary’s gonna win.” Like, they don’t know. (laughter) “When’s the McRib coming back?” They’re in the dark. We’re the dum-dums that are home just going like, “It’s now in my mind.” Like, it’s a pretend… But I’m off porn, I really– I go off and on. It’s hard, it’s addictive. But I knew I had to go off, cause the last time I was watching– using it. I don’t know what you say. I was watching it, I was mastur– Of course I was masturbating. Be weird if I was just like, “Ah-ha!” (laughter) I was masturbating. And when– I’m sorry… (laughing) And when I was finishing, I didn’t give the order to say anything, but I involuntarily, while I was cumming, I went, “Not worth it.” (laughter and applause) Cause it wasn’t! It wasn’t worth it… that dirty feeling I had to carry around with me the rest of the day. I had to go to the post office. There’s kids and old women there. I had to be like, “I’m not a monster,” like, I had to. (laughter) I have to be off porn, though, cause it’s the acting. One of the things that really ruins it for me is the acting. And I don’t even mean the acting before the sex, where they’re like, “I have a pizza for Misty.” Like not that. (laughter) I’m talking about the acting during the sex. For the most part, it’s normal, but every once in a while, you come across a man or woman that’s just overdoing it. Like I saw– the last clip I watched– this is a hundred percent accurate impression… I’ll send you the link. (laughter) This woman was going nuts. It’s a regular sex scene, just normal stuff, and she was going… (laughing) Okay. (audience laughs and applauds) She’s going… (gibberish sex noises) (laughter) (unintelligible sex moans) “Fuck that pussy!” I’m not even exaggerating, “Fuck that pussy!” Like, in the scene before, she was normal. She was like, “Hello,” and then when the sex– (animalistic shouting) Like, what are you doing? Have you had sex before? This isn’t an exorcism. People are trying to masturbate. (over-enthusiastic sex noises) “There was no script, we let you improvise, and this is what you come in with?” (laughter) Did she rehearse that? Like in her trailer in front of the mirror before? Just like, “I’ll be right out!” (laughter) “Wooooo.” (laughter) (Italian accent) ” Molto bene ! No.” (laughter and applause) (normal voice) “Seems racist.” (laughter) (guttural sex sound) (laughter) “Fuck that pussy– “Nope, no… not quite right. “Fuck that… “Pusssssyyyyyyyyy! I’m ready!” Portland… -(cheers and applause) Thank you so, so, so much. Best crowd I’ve had in a long time. I mean that. Thank you. Thank you. I see it. Thank you guys! Keep it crispy. Be good. Good night! ♪ I get a little punchy with the vodka ♪ ♪ just like my great uncle Valentine Jester did ♪ ♪ But he had to deal with those people like you ♪ ♪ Who made no goddamn common sense ♪ ♪ I’d rather walk all the way home right now ♪ ♪ Than to spend one more second in this place ♪ ♪ I’m exactly like you Valentine, just ♪ ♪ Come outside and leave with me ♪ ♪ Let’s just get high enough to see our problems♪ ♪ Let’s just get high enough to see ♪ ♪ Our fathers’ houses ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪ ♪ The day I die, the day I die ♪ ♪ Where will we be? ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ellen Degeneres: Relatable (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ellen-degeneres-relatable-transcript/

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL [crowd cheers] [background song] Thank you so much. Thank you. That is lovely energy. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for being here, Seattle. So it’s been 15 years since I’ve done stand-up and when I decided to do this special a friend of mine was at my house and I told him: “I’m going to do stand up again.” And he said: “Really?” And I said: “Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really.” But it was really. And I said: “Yes, why?” And he said: “Well, do you think you’re still relatable?” And… [crowd laughs] I said: “Yes, I do think I’m still relatable. I’m a human being.” He said: “Well, I mean, your life has changed so much.” And… I said: “I know but I still think I’m relatable.” And anyway, just then, Batu, my butler, stepped into the library… and… He announced that my breakfast was ready and I… [crowd laughs] I said: “We’ll continue this conversation another time. This is… ridiculous.” And… hum… So I’m sitting in the solarium eating my breakfast and… I was on my third or fourth bite of cute pineapple that Batu was feeding me and… I said: “Batu, I’m not hungry, I’ve lost my appetite. My friend has really upset me by what he said.” And… he said: “Well then, I shall draw you a bath ma’am.” And… I said: “You don’t have to announce it all the time. Just draw the bath.” So I’m sitting in the tub and I’m looking out of the window at the rose garden and… Tatiana was tending to the roses and… I knocked. “Ma’am.” And… anyway. I get out of the tub and Batu had forgotten to put the towel next to the tub. Again! And… So, I had to do that bathmat scoot all the way across… the bathroom to get to the towel. And, it’s a big– You can imagine how big the bathroom is. It’s like… [crowd laughs] Doing the bathmat scoot. And then I stopped and I was like: “Oh my God… this is relatable.” [crowd claps] People do the bathmat scoot when the butler forgets to put the towel next to the tub. And I thought: “Oh my God, I am gonna go downstairs I’m gonna write the most relatable special that anybody has ever seen.” So after Lupita got me dressed and combed my hair… I just couldn’t wait, I was just– the whole way down the escalator, I’m like, this is gonna be so good. So I get downstairs and my friend is still down wandering around in the hallway and I’m like: “What are you still doing here?” And he’s like: “I’m lost.” And I’m like: “Oh my God.” “How many times have I shown you the front door? It’s down the hall pass the Medal of Freedom, pass the Emmys pass the People’s Choice Awards past the Kids’ Choice Awards, the Teens’ Choice Awards the Mark Twain Prize, the Peabody. Take a left at the gift shop, and that is the front door.” I think people have a tendency… We look at somebody and we decide we know all about them. We put someone in a box so, you know I think everyone thinks that all celebrities live exactly the same. Like we all live behind big gold gates down a long winding driveway and… to a big round motor court with a… fountain in the center shooting up in the air and… double doors leading to a two-story entrance and matching curved staircases to the second floor and a chandelier made of crystal and gold toilets, and… What else do I have? [crowd laughs] Gold toilets… We do… We have a tendency to stereotype people. This is… This is a true story. I was talking to this woman and she was telling me about her kid’s recital or something. You know, how people are, and… I said: “I gotta get going. I gotta get home to feed my cats.” And… She said: “Oh, how many cats do you have?” And I said: “Three.” And she goes: “Oh, you are a lesbian.” [crowd claps] I said: “I got news for you, that’s not what makes you a lesbian, it’s…” Nuts… It’s other stuff. It’s… I said: “I have three dogs. Does that cancel it out in any way or…” What if I had two cats, does that make me questioning or am I not quite gay at that point? I don’t know… I am still gay by the way. Still… Oh, thank you. [crowd cheers] Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I’m enjoying it. It’s… really working out for me now. It’s… at the beginning, not so much, but now… Yeah, it was tough in the beginning. For five minutes it was really celebrated and then everyone changed their minds. But I really… For a few minutes there it really seemed like it was going well and I thought everyone in Hollywood that’s closeted is gonna come out after me I pictured like a stampede of wild elephants like… every closeted actor and actress in Hollywood… But instead, they were like little meerkats coming out of their little meerkat closets. Just… “How’s this gonna go? Is she gonna be OK? Before I make a decision I wanna see how this is. Nope, not going well. I’m going down… back in… stay there for a little while.” I just think, it would help if more people came out. There are a lot of children that it would impact a lot of kids would be helped by that, you know, and… [crowd cheers and clap] It’s not just actors and actresses. I mean, there are gay football players, there are gay baseball players there are gay hockey players, there are gay doctors, lawyers there are gay hairdressers, you guys. I just think when something is talked about and when you see representatives of whatever the subject is it demystifies it. People aren’t afraid of it anymore like… dandruff. I mean… People weren’t talking about dandruff. Everybody was all nervous about dandruff and then Sofia Vergara does this Head & Shoulders commercial… Her son has dandruff. He’s a handsome boy. We don’t care. He’s got dandruff. Nobody’s worried about talking about dandruff anymore, you know. Jen Aniston has dry eye. We know that now. [crowd laughs] She’s your friend, she’s my friend. She has dry eye and that’s okay. She’s actually… She is my friend and she hid that from me. I had to learn about it on the commercial. She was… ashamed. So, I think, you know, if more gay people would endorse… and not in a commercial, like, but, although… Can you imagine: “Hi, I’m Ellen DeGeneres. Now I’d like to talk to you about gay. Do you find yourself in love with, attracted to or just curious about the same sex? Maybe it’s time you try gay. [crowd laughs] [claps] You’ll notice the difference in as little as 48 hours. And I should know. I’m not just a spokesperson, I’m a gay. Side effects may include: Loss of family, loss of friends, unemployment.” [crowd laughs] [crowd claps] Yep, unemployment is a side effect. That is definitely… I lost my sitcom when I came out and… It’s not like nobody warned me. I mean everybody warned me. My publicist, my agent, my manager anyone making money off of me said: “Don’t do it.” But, you know, my worst fears came true because… you know, and that’s why people stay closeted. The same people who loved me, overnight, just hated me. Just because they knew I was gay. Everything changed. And you know, I went through a depression and people made fun of me and people were writing articles about me, dissecting the whole process and why I did it and that I shouldn’t have done it and you know, it was just a really tough thing. It took three years for me to get back on television. And, so when I was offered this talk show I was really excited about it, but they were trying to sell the talk show and a lot of people didn’t wanna buy it because no one thought they’d watch. There was this one station manager, and this is a quote: “No one’s gonna watch it. No one’s gonna watch a lesbian during the day.” [crowd laughs] I said: “Well, they weren’t watching me at night. What time of day is good for… a lesbian?” So… [claps] Yeah, and then I get on the air in the first season. I’m sure you have it archived. if you look back at the first season. I kinda had to tone it down a little bit, I had to dress differently. I was, you know… My hair was different. I had to wear necklaces, crazy things, really. Just… “Is Ellen wearing a necklace? It’s very delicate. She may not be gay anymore, I don’t know. Does she still have the cats? She may not be gay.” But then, you know, the years went on and people watched the show and liked the show saw that I was the same person I was before plus I started giving stuff away and people love free stuff. Oh yeah! “I got a TV from the gay lady. I sure do like her.” Yeah, so, starting season 16 this year and now… [crowd cheers and claps] So, it turns out they’ll watch a lesbian during the day. They… So, now everybody’s pretty cool with the fact I’m gay. Everybody’s fine with that. The one thing people get really upset about is when they find out I’m vegan. Oh boy. “You’re vegan? Where do you get your protein? Why do you care where I get my protein? [crowd laughs] [claps] Where do you get your riboflavin?” It’s hard to be vegan. If you go to a restaurant, unless it’s a vegan restaurant. they don’t know what to do. You know, you say: “I’m vegan. So well, then you can have the chicken? No can’t have the chicken. -I’ll get the asparagus. -Well, that comes with Parmesan cheese. Can you do it without? -Alright, I’ll just get the salad then. -Well, that’s soaked in ham juice. [crowd laughs] -Why? -That’s how we do it, don’t know.” I’m not really vegan, I say it for the joke. But I’m not… [crowd laughs] Oh, look… how happy you are. Oh my God, you’re so happy I’m not vegan. “Thank God, Ellen. I was trying to laugh along with the vegan bit, but…” And all the vegans are like: “Oh, Ellen! You were helping us for a minute there.” I was vegan for 8 years and I really do believe that is great for you. I was healthier than I’d ever been, I love being vegan. But just in the last year or two for no reason, really. I just started eating a piece of fish once in a while and I’ll eat eggs from chickens that I know. You know what I mean? Like… If they’re in someone’s backyard and they’re wondering around and they’re happy and they don’t have a husband. Do you know what I’m saying? You know…. You know what I mean… You know what I mean, yeah. Some of the restaurants are trying to figure out how to help vegans. There’s not a lot of option at most restaurants. But the fine dining. I love that phrase. “Fine dining.” “-How’s the dining? -Fine.” [crowd laughs] They try to be so fancy when you go into the “fine dining”. “Have you dined with us before? No, but I’ve dined in other places before. Something different gonna happen in here? Sit down and eat and pay and leave, right? OK. Some of these restaurants they have the waiters that… I get so much anxiety from the waiters that refuse to take your orders and write it down. They insist on memorizing your order. Oh my God, I have so much anxiety. I don’t know why they insist on doing it. like they’re impressing us in some way. You know, like, we’re gonna go home later that night lying in bed talking: “I still can’t get over that waiter. Oh. Every single thing, he remembered. Yep, the green beans. I thought about that too, on the side… Good night.” If I see they’re not gonna write it down. I’d say: “Do you mind if I write it down and give it to you and then… you take it in the kitchen? Is that okay? ‘Cause… I’d like it to come out right.” It’s just so… I’m filled with anxiety when they come up to the table and they just come up and: “And the lady will have? Thank you. And for the gentleman? Shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll speak with the chef and… yes. And the green beans on the side. I’ll do that, thank you. And for you? [crowd laughs] Deathly allergic. Alright, I’ll remember that. Yes. No, deathly allergic. I got it right there, thank you. And next? Thank you. And this side of the table? [crowd laughs and claps] Excellent choice.” I hate when they say “excellent choice” right after me. Like: “What was my choice? It wasn’t…? Why? Why do you say that to her?” Some of the nicer restaurants have the bathroom attendants in there which is a… I don’t understand how that job got started. That was somebody’s idea. I don’t know who started that. I don’t know if some person, a customer in the restaurant. “I’d like to speak to the manager. I’m the manager. Was there a problem with the meal, everything OK? Everything was fine, thank you. Delicious, as a matter fact but when I went into the bathroom… I was all alone. Nobody was in there. Alright, so you would like someone to go in with you? No. I’d like someone already in there before I get in there waiting…. listening. [crowd laughs] The bathroom attendant used to be a simple thing. There was a woman in there and there was a hair brush and some mints by the way, who’s using that hairbrush? That’s… There’s hair in it already and you just… Now, it’s like, it’s grown. It’s like, now, there’s anything you could possibly want in the bathroom. It’s like, a whole bodega is set up in there. There’s like… There is a make-up display there’s is a curling iron, hair extensions crudités Oh, are those strawberries in season? Those look good. You leave the bathroom to go back to your table. “I’m full, I ate in the bathroom. I don’t need anything. Oh, and the hummus was good.” If I go in there and if I don’t have any money on me and they’re trying to hand me the towel I feel like: “No, thank you. I can’t… No. I don’t… No. I don’t deserve it, give it to the lady there. No, thank you. I’m good.” [crowd claps] That’s a job, there are so many jobs when you think about it. There are so many different types of jobs. I like my job. I have a good job. I… a few years ago I started ending my show by saying: “Be kind to one another.” And… [crowd cheers] Yeah, that’s what I thought. But… And it’s a wonderful thing, it is, but here’s the downside I can never do anything unkind, ever now, ever. I’m the be-kind girl. I’m… And I’m kind, I’m a good person. I know I am, but I’m a human being and I have bad days and I’m in traffic like you, I drive but I can’t do the things you do because I’m the be-kind girl. You know. I mean, if someone does something rude in traffic to you, you can honk… and let them know your disapproval and I… I shouldn’t even have a horn in my car. There’s no reason for me to have a horn. I can’t honk ever at anyone. Like, if someone cuts me off in a dangerous way if I honk, they are like: “Ellen?” [crowd laughs] [crowd laughs and claps] Yeah, that and the dancing. That was a mistake, too. That… I’m not a dancer. I just danced as a joke. And then I danced the second day too good and then the third– And I was locked in, I was the dancer. Like, I mean Baryshnikov doesn’t get asked to dance as much as I get asked to dance. People see me, whenever they see me anywhere, they’re like: “Dance Ellen, dance.” And I’m like… “I’m getting a mammogram. I can’t move right now. [crowd laughs] How did you get in here, anyway?” Yeah, I can’t… When I’m in traffic, here’s the thing. I love to drive and I like to drive fast and I’m safe, but I do like to go fast and so slow drivers… irritate me, because they’re going so slow and let’s be honest. It’s usually a Prius, isn’t it? [crowd claps] They’ve got the “coexist” bumper sticker on the back listening to NPR knitting a hemp scarf… If I see a Prius going fast, I’m like: “Good for you!” I don’t know why it is. Whenever we pass someone going slow we have to see what they look like. We’re always like… “That’s what you look like. I thought so, I thought…” [crowd laughs] There’s nothing more embarrassing than when you pass up a slow driver to show them the proper way of driving. You go around them and show them how they should be driving and then you hit a red light. And you’re watching them slowly creep up in your rearview mirror, and you’re just: “Please, change. Please, change. Please, change.” And the light doesn’t change so they just creep up alongside of you. “I’m just gonna look down here and touch that. I’m gonna see what that is, right there, with that because I have to see this and… No, I know you’re next to me but you’re still wrong, even though you caught up. And I’m gonna do that with my finger for a while because…” [crowd laughs and claps] I don’t wanna judge. You don’t know why someone’s going slow. You have no idea. Maybe they’re transporting a bowl of soup. I don’t know, you know. I really don’t like to judge, except for people who say “libary”. Then I do. “Libary”… Really? OK. The place with all the words? OK… You know what word’s not in there? “Libary”. [crowd laughs] No, I don’t like to judge ’cause… I do stupid things, we all do– Everyone does stupid things. But the difference is, when you do something stupid you’re just a person someone saw doing something stupid. When I do something stupid, it’s a story. I went to a gas station to put gas in my car And there’s a group of teenage boys across the way and they’re like… really cool. They were vaping and… And they were like: “It’s Ellen, oh my God, it’s Ellen.” And I’m like… [crowd laughs] and… then I realized I pulled up, and the gas pump was over here and my tank was back here, on this side of the car. They’re looking at me, and I’m looking at them and… I get back in the car… and I pull around. Now, it’s still on the wrong side… because I’ve just pulled around. And they’re still looking at me… And I’m like: “I don’t wanna look like an idiot.” So, I just filled up the back seat. I just… [crowd claps] I’ll buy a new car, I don’t care. [crowd laughs] [claps] I don’t have that many childhood memories. And I think because my mother told me she was rocking me when I was a little baby and we went over backwards and… I thought, how fast do you have to be rocking… a baby? How is that soothing for either of us? She said she held my head. I don’t think she did. She… And she has no memory either. I think we both hit our heads. I’m not sure. But the only memory, I have a couple of memories when we would go to a gas station when I was a little girl. My dad would only get a dollar’s worth of gas, all the time. Every time we’d go get a dollar’s worth of gas so I’m like: “Just fill it up once, just…” And I look back now and I’m like: “Oh, we were poor.” That’s why. He had… only a dollar. Makes sense now. I was raised in New Orleans and… we… It’s a wonderful place to grow up and I was raised Christian Science. That was a religion we were. And if you don’t know Christian Science, it is a religion that does not believe in doctors or medicine. So my entire childhood, I never had a vaccination, never had any medicine. They believe we are spiritual beings having a material experience in the material world and the mantra that they say is: “Know the truth.” And the truth is, there is no pain unless you give it pain with your mind. I was 10 years old. I split my knee open and my bone was exposed. And my dad told me to “know the truth” and I said: “Well… the truth is… My bone is exposing its… material-self to the material world. Help me.” And then I passed out. Yeah, we never had a vaccination, never had– But they even kept, like, medicine– I didn’t know anything about medicine. It’s amazing, we were poor ’cause we never had medicine. We never bought anything. We should’ve saved a fortune on that. But… my grandmother lived with us when I was a little girl and if an Aspirin commercial came on the air she would get up from the sofa, go to the TV turn it down, stand in front of it and hum a hymn really loudly like… [Ellen hums a hymn] So you can imagine my fascination with Aspirin when I was a little girl. Like… “What is Aspirin? What is happening?” Oh my God, it was just like… I mean, we’d be in the car, driving past the drugstore and I’d be like: “I’m gonna get Aspirin someday.” My parents divorced when I was 13. I went through sort of a bad girl phase, I was… on Aspirin. One, two a day. I was like… [crowd laughs] I was on Aspirin a lot. My parents were obsessed with celebrities and so, hi, here I am. Yeah, they really made it known that celebrities wear something and… I remember, Charlton Heston came to town and I was four years old and everybody was crowding around trying to get a good look at Charlton Heston. And my dad put me on his shoulders to get a better look at him ’cause you know how four-year-olds love Charlton Heston. He was using me as bait, hoping that Charlton would go: “Oh, cute little girl.” And come over, you know. ‘Cause people do that to me. If I’m out somewhere and people have a baby They’ll hold it out towards me like, for me to hold it and I’m like: “This is cashmere, no.” [crowd laughs] [claps] But you know, so then I grew up going: “Oh, celebrities!” I guess, everybody’s like that but like, I mean, I was 16. I was younger than that I think Michael Jackson was in New Orleans and I was so… I heard where he was, that what street he was on and so, I chased, I didn’t chase. I was walking, he was walking, he started running, I had to catch up. And… [crowd laughs] So I was excited by celebrities. I was really like, you know, and like I said… Do you wanna finish laughing? I don’t wanna stop you. [crowd laughs] Hm. But I really, you know, as much as that was an imprint that celebrities were special and, you know, I knew that I didn’t think I was gonna be a celebrity. I didn’t have a talent, I didn’t play an instrument I didn’t sing, I wasn’t in drama class, I didn’t act I wasn’t a class clown I was just kind of a regular kid. And I didn’t know what I was gonna do. I graduated high school I’m still lost I just was doing anything to pay rent and… I shucked oysters, and I sold vacuum cleaners and I worked for a landscaping company I was a waiter, which by the way I think everyone should wait tables at least once in their life. [crowd cheers] Yep. That and coal mining ’cause that seems hard, too. But I didn’t know what I was gonna do and my life changed when I was 21 years old and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident And I passed the accident., it had just happened. I didn’t know it was her ’cause she was in a different car. I almost stopped but then sirens were right behind me and showing up so I kept going and I found out later it was her. And… so… I had to move out of the… place we were living ’cause I couldn’t afford to live there anymore. I had no job, I had no car, no money. I moved into this tiny basement apartment and you could hardly stand up in it. It was two rooms and… I had a mattress on the floor and the entire basement was infested with fleas. There were fleas everywhere. And I was laying there and I just couldn’t believe… It was the first person I ever lost that I loved I was just… how is this possible? This beautiful young girl is gone and fleas are here. I don’t understand… what fleas do even. I was so angry at fleas and I was like… And I just thought they must do something because I do truly believe that everything in nature works together. Even if we don’t understand it, it does something for something else. And I wanted to understand this. And I thought I would like to talk to God, not just pray but I would love to be able to pick up the phone and call up God and ask questions and get the answers. ‘Cause I used to write all the time. I journaled and I wrote poetry. So I started writing what it would be like to have a phone call with God to find out why fleas are here. and it wasn’t meant to be funny. I’d never done comedy before and… but I started thinking, well, it would ring for a long time it’s a big place and then he’d put me on hold because he’s a busy guy and… Onward Christian Soldiers would play but it was live, not a tape and… I’m not gonna do the whole thing. Go back and watch the special but… Anyway, I finished writing it. I literally wrote without stopping, I finished writing it and I read it and I said to myself: “I’m gonna do this on Johnny Carson and I’ll be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down to talk to Johnny Carson.” And… [crowd cheers] [claps] I mean, I’m in a basement on a mattress with fleas, never done comedy. I make that statement, six years later, this happens. Thank you very much! [background song playing] -That’s well done! -Thank you. Yeah, that’s very clever and very fresh, and.. Well, that’s wonderful hearing that from you. No, I mean it, it’s good material. -Thank you. -How long you’ve been doing it? [crowd cheers] [claps] That was before I got my new voice. That was my first voice I had and… Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way. That was… I wish that was a joke, but it’s not. He did. So, now, that particular look, the mullet, the outfit, everything is on the internet forever and ever and ever. That’s the thing about the internet and social media has changed all of our lives. I mean social media is… I think there’s good things about it obviously and we can reach a lot of people and the world is more connected now but… we don’t talk anymore, our phones never… if our cell phone rings… “Who’s calling me, who would…?” You know, I found, Portia and I, on a Sunday afternoon. I’m laying on the sofa, I have my phone. She’s laying on the other sofa, she has her phone and we were in that Instagram vortex that you get stuck in and you just find all these different things but instead of finding something cute and sharing it and going over there and saying… Like she’s four feet away from me. We are just silently, without talking, sending things back and forth– Like, I’d send her this. [message sent noise] [crowd laughs] And she’d send me this. [message received noise] [crowd laughs] I’d send her this. [message sent noise] [crowd laughs] She sent me this. [message received noise] [crowd laughs] I send her this. [message sent noise] [crowd laughs] She sends me this. [background song in the video] And then I sent her this. [rap song playing] Yeah, yeah ♪ Ay, I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances ♪ ♪ Finesse and nanno with some counterfeits ♪ ♪ But now I’m countin’ this ♪ ♪ Parmesan where my accountant lives ♪ ♪ In fact, I’m downin’ this ♪ ♪ D’USSÉ with my boo bae, tastes like– ♪ Yeah. [crowd claps] If you look up: “Birds that dance to music.” You’ll see, there are so many of them. Birds… it turns out, love music. And you can see they have rhythm. They are on the beat and I was like: “Oh my God, that’s crazy.” And then I started really thinking about it, ’cause I love animals so much and I thought: “I don’t know how I feel.” Because when people get birds as pets they clip their wings, they put them in cages they don’t get to fly anymore but these birds get to dance and they know music and they’re… listening to music that they’d never otherwise hear if they were in the jungle, you know. Because the birds in the jungle have never heard Kendrick Lamar. They don’t know who he is. They’re flying and they think they’ve got it all but they don’t. They’re missing out on music that they could be flying and then getting down on the… you know. I’m torn, I don’t know how I feel. [crowd laughs] Because I feel like animals should be in their natural environment. That’s what they should be doing. They should be wherever they’re supposed to be. I have an issue with all the emotional support animals that people are flying with now. It’s just gotten out of hand. There was a woman trying to get on the plane with a peacock the other day. They didn’t let her on, thank God, but I mean, not that she doesn’t need it. Clearly, she’s crazy. You know… [crowd laughs] I don’t know what the requirements are to get an emotional support animal but I don’t think they are too tough to… It’s the same doctor that prescribes medical marijuana. I’m pretty sure that, you know… -“Doctor, sometimes I worry– -I’ve heard enough. I’m gonna prescribe you pot and a pet.” [crowd laughs] Now when you fly, it’s like… I mean you’re walking down the aisle to your seat, which is you know 10B or whatever it is It’s like Noah’s Ark. There’s a woman with a ferret there’s a man with a mongoose, there’s a lady with a donkey. I say 10B, does a plane go back that far? I’ve never been back there. [crowd claps] Are there ten rows? Are there ten– I just guessed. I don’t know, I just guessed. People… People used to take Xanax when they were stressed out. Now, they’re carrying animals around with them… I… There are so many pills. If you look at the commercials that are on the air, most… every commercial is for some type of medicine, some kind of pill and I don’t know if you’ve noticed it… the medicine commercials… The side effects are so long… that the people on the commercial are running out of activities. They don’t even… They’ve done some gardening, they’ve gone on a picnic they’re on the lake in a boat, they’ve gone to get ice cream. They’ve gotten a pottery class, they’ve played frisbee with a dog. They’re still listing the side effects. “Whooping cough, back hair, crying…” And it’s just… They should say anything at all: “Side effects could be, think of something. Yep, you could get that for sure. You might not but you might.” And then at the end it says: “Ask your doctor if Trulicity is right for you.” It’s like: “I don’t even know what’s wrong with them. They seemed fine, like, I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s right for– I’ve gardened. I don’t know if I should get it.” “Ask your doctor if Trulicity is right for you.” Why is that my job? Like… You’re at the doctor’s office: “Ellen, you seem pretty sick. Got your eye on any good medication you want to tell me about? [crowd laughs] Trulicity? I… That could be right for you.” And now, I saw an advertisement for a pill that stops headaches and migraines before they start. That’s some good marketing right there, isn’t it? -“Are you in any pain? -No, not at all. I’m gonna give you something for that. But… [crowd claps] -But I’m not in any pain– -And you won’t be.” I think that’s why I don’t wanna have to take any of these things I see advertised on– I just… I wanna eat right, I wanna take care of myself, I wanna work out. I used to work out a lot. I was working out like six days a week and then I had a sports injury. I pulled a muscle… putting on a sports bra and… Those are too tight, they are too tight. They are. Yeah. [claps] And then when you’re sweaty, trying to take them off… It’s like… I’ve never taken one off. I have 15 on right now. [crowd laughs] First one is from 1984 jazzercise class I took. That’s… I do have an injury that’s… kind of a problem for working out now. So I was having pain in my third and fourth toe. If you don’t know, one had roast beef and the other had none. [crowd laughs] But… So… I’ve had this pain and I went to go see a podiatrist and so he looks at my pods and he said that… He said: “You have a neuroma.” And I said: “You have a neuroma.” I said that to him. Hum. But… I said: “What do I do about that?” He said: “Nothing. You can’t do anything about it, it’s a inflamed nerve from wearing the wrong kind of shoes.” He said: “Do you wear like soft-soled shoes, like tennis shoes? I said: “Yes, that’s what I wear.” He goes: “That’s the wrong kind of shoe for you. The best shoe for you to wear… is a cowboy boot. [crowd laughs] Goodbye.” [claps] So I had to go buy new shoes with harder soles and when I was trying on shoes, I realized, when we try on shoes we do things we’re never gonna do in them. We stand up. “These are good. These are good. [crowd laughs] [claps] If I have to do that, that’s good. These are good, I like these. That’s good. If I have to do that, that’ll be good. These are good if I have to do this. Yep, I like these, I’m gonna get these. Yep.” [claps] When we try on shoes there’s a little tiny mirror on the ground. For the shoes to see themselves, ’cause you can’t. “What do you guys think, do you like them? [crowd laughs] I can’t see. Do you want them?” [crowd laughs] Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen for any other thing you buy. You say: “I’d like to try those on a size six.” They come out with boxes. “We didn’t have a six but we had a nine and a half.” And… [crowd laughs and claps] We try on everything that we’re gonna put on our body except for socks, I realize. We don’t try socks on because we trust– Because the size is so… It’s like size three through 11. It really… It’s like… It’s gonna fit. It’s like your childhood, through your adulthood, you wear those things. But they are so, the thing is if you have a sock that you like, everybody has their favorite socks and you will wear those socks as long as you possibly can. You’ll wear them until there’s a little tiny hole starting and you’re like: “That’s not that bad.” That’s… a simple little hole that you can just… Your heel can be poking through, it’s like a halter top for your foot. It’s like… Little holes everywhere, you think: “Who’s gonna to see it? I’m just gonna keep shoes on, they’re not gonna see that.” Then you go to somebody’s house and they have a shoes-off policy. [crowd laughs] I gotta get the fuck out of here. [crowd claps] [crowd cheers] We keep things we all keep things that are, you know, I don’t like to waste things. I don’t like to… waste food. I don’t think that’s a good thing. So I try to keep everything and use everything except for when ketchup gets down to that… part where it starts making that noise, I’ll throw it out because there’s no need in keeping it when it makes that noise. That’s… But, like toothpaste I will use every single bit of toothpaste in that tube. I will, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it’s not about the money. You know that. I mean… [crowd laughs] It’s about winning. [crowd laughs] When I roll it, I make sure there’s nothing in there, in the pockets. I roll it real tight. I’ll take my black American Express card and I’ll just squeeze it. Flatten it out. [crowd claps] If I have a gold bar laying around I’ll take the gold bar. Yeah, we all have our little quirks. We all have our things that we do, that kind of doesn’t make sense. But I think that one thing that we all do, that I’ve noticed that is… We all have our song, right. We have the song like: “Oh my God, that’s my song.” And if we’re at a club and that song comes on you wanna dance but you will not dance until you hit the designated dance floor. That’s what I’ve noticed. Only when you hit the dance floor, will you dance. [crowd cheers] [song playing] ♪ Got birds and I’m runnin’, yeah, bout a hundred, yeah ♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you look good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah♪ ♪Make a n i g g a want to grab that, autograph that♪ ♪I’m sweatin’ in the drawers, yeah, hard and long, yeah♪ [crowd cheers] [claps] But if that’s your song when you’re 30, it’s still your song when you’re 85. [crowd laughs] ♪…with the money, yeah, don’t act funny, yeah♪ ♪Got birds and I’m runnin’, yeah, bout a hundred, yeah♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Hoe, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, who is you playin wit? Back that ass up♪ ♪Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up♪ ♪You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah♪ ♪Make a n i g g a want to grab that, autograph that♪ ♪I’m sweatin’ in the drawers, yeah, hard and long, yeah♪ ♪Want to walk it like a dog, yeah…♪ ♪At the starting of the week♪ ♪At summit talks you’ll hear them speak♪ ♪It’s only Monday♪ ♪Negotiations breaking down♪ ♪See those leaders start to frown♪ ♪It’s sword and gun day…♪ [crowd cheers] [claps] I am 60 years old and I’m dancing to “Back That Ass Up”. [crowd claps] Yes, I turned 60 this year. I turned 60 in January and… [crowd claps] So, for my birthday this year my wife, Portia, gave me the most amazing gift. She established The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund to save the mountain gorillas. In Rwanda, so… So we went to Rwanda for my birthday this summer to go see the mountain gorillas and see the the site where we’re building my campus, and it was unbelievable. It was really, really special. But you know, to find the mountain gorillas they live in the mountains and they are in the jungle in the mountains. And… it’s a jungle out there. I’ll tell you that. It’s… And it was raining for a long time before we got there like a month before we got there and so it was really muddy and there’s like stinging thistles and all kinds of brush everywhere that you’ve got somebody hacking away with a machete and you’re trying to get through and sometimes you had to crawl this far under, we’re sinking in the mud like, to our knees and… three hours up the mountain at some point, I was like… ♪Happy birthday…♪ [crowd laughs] ♪to me♪ ♪Happy birthday…♪ ♪to me.♪ [gasps] ♪Happy birthday…♪ ♪dear Ellen♪ Oh my God, it was so hard but… It is so worth it ’cause when you get there and you see this thing five feet away from you… So majestic, so beautiful. [claps] Portia and I took a picture and this guy photobombed us back there. But yet, so you can see like her hair is soaking wet she’s got mud on her face and we’re… So we get down to the bottom and we take a picture with our group that we went with, and you can see the mud where… we had all fallen and sank into the mud. If you wanna see how happy I am, if you’ll zoom in on my fist there…. [crowd laughs] Yeah. That’s… That’s my “Happy Birthday” fist right there. Yeah. The thing is, I didn’t pack correctly. That’s what was wrong because I packed to go on Safari and I looked good. I went on safari and I looked like I should have been on safari. I didn’t have waterproof clothes, I didn’t have waterproof shoes I didn’t have the right things. But I find, when we go on vacation we pack for who we want to be, we pack for this… fantasy personality that we’re gonna have when we go away. When we’re on an island, they don’t know we don’t wear white linen all the time. Beads in a big floppy hat. That’s who we are, you know. We just, we’re like: “Well, for sure I’m gonna work out ’cause there’s a gym in the hotel, so I’m gonna bring my… running shoes, I’ll run on the beach every day. And then I’ll do… yoga on the pier. I’ve seen that in the brochure, and… I’ll bring a poncho in case there’s a bonfire on the beach. I’ll wanna have a poncho on. I’ll bring a gown in case there’s a captain from a boat that I have to have dinner with. [crowd laughs] I’ll bring some books, I’ll read for sure. I’m gonna read. I don’t read at home, but I’m gonna read there, I’ll have a lot of time. I’m there three days, I’ll bring six books and… Yeah. Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk, in the same outfit the entire time. [crowd laughs] [claps] I love that we imagine that we’re gonna curl up and read a good book. I love that expression. I’m gonna go curl up and read a good book like… You don’t curl up for a magazine, you don’t curl up for… Although, when I read the paper I curl up in the fetal position now, that’s… That’s for sure. [crowd claps] But I do love these expressions. “Curl up and read a good book” or you know, “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”. Did someone have a bird in the hand and said: “There’s two in the bush. Yeah, but I got one in the hand so… -But there’s two in the bush. -Yes, but I got one in the hand and that’s worth two in the bush. -It is? -Yes one in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Why do you call it the hand? It’s your hand. Why do you say “the hand”? [crowd laughs] “For Pete’s sake!” Who is Pete, and why are we doing everything for his sake? [crowd laughs] “Fit as a fiddle.” Is that a good shape? I don’t know. [crowd claps] My favorite expression is, “best thing since sliced bread.” Really, Is that the benchmark right there? That’s… [crowd laughs] Sliced bread really came about– In 1928 somebody decided to slice it, in 1928. That’s not that long ago. Bread has been around forever. Jesus broke bread. He didn’t even know how to slice it. [crowd laughs] I mean all throughout history, no one sliced it? Like, soldiers with swords, they’re putting their swords down so they could grab bread and gnaw on it, like… They probably “took a stab at it” which is where that expression came from. They stabbed at it… with their sword. Nothing happened, so they just… And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy, you know he was gay, for sure. I mean… [crowd laughs] “I refuse to be a barbarian anymore. I’m slicing it. Heathens.” He was popular, too. I mean, the fact that he has that, you know, title of sliced bread…. Like he was probably at a party in the ’20s. Can you imagine that Thomas Edison is there and the Wright brothers and… “Is the guy who sliced the bread here? I heard he was coming to the party. Is he here?” I mean, it should be like best thing since… fire, or the wheel, or the ladder. You know… I mean, the ladder, we take that for granted. I know you don’t think that’s as important but it really is. What did we do before the ladder? We all had to have a tall friend to reach things for us. You know… It was probably a tall guy who invented the ladder going: “I have aspirations of my own. I am not gonna… continue to do this the whole time.” [claps] The ladder is an adult purchase if you really think about it. You don’t buy a ladder when you’re a teenager. You buy a ladder when you’re an adult. When when you have a house, and the bigger the house the more ladders. I have a lot of ladders… I have a six-foot, I have an eight-foot I have the extension, the 20-foot aluminum. And when I married Portia, she had a little ladder. So I have a step ladder, but I love it just the same, I do. [crowd laughs] [claps] I wrote that at 3 a.m. I thought either this is gonna be the worst joke I’ve ever written… or the best. I’ve decided, it’s the best. [crowd cheers] [claps] I think a junk drawer, that also is an adult thing that happens when we’re adults. We get a junk drawer. If you go home, we all have the same stuff in our junk drawer. We all have– For some reason we won’t throw a rubber band away There are tons of rubber bands like 24 rubber bands are in there, like… in case, a bunch of little girls come over for pigtails one day. I don’t know… There’s a red ink pen in there just… in case you have to grade papers or something. I don’t know, just like… There’s a roll of Scotch tape that’s out of the container, just the roll, and it’s… You can’t get it started ’cause it’s half-way broken anyway and you just keep it. There’s a AA battery. Does it work? I don’t know, I just don’t… I put it in there. [claps] There’s a key and you don’t know what it’s to. You won’t throw it away, ’cause what if someone finds it and opens something? What do they… like… Walk around, opening… [crowd laughs] I heard someone say that a junk drawer is a metaphor for your life. Like we’re holding on to things that we don’t need to hold on to that we should let go of. I don’t know if that’s true. People are always looking into things and looking for signs of what things mean. I don’t know, I… For a while there, I was… Every time I looked at the clock it was 11:11 and every time, and I started wondering, like, what does this mean? And for me it was a dead battery, but… [crowd laughs] [claps] We all have people, that we know, that look into signs way too much. You know, they’ll be like: “I don’t know if I should be in this relationship. There’s a squirrel. Squirrels live in trees. Trees have leaves. I should leave him.” [crowd laughs] I think we’re all looking for signs because we’re all looking for validation that we’re on the right path. And when we see signs like that we think that means that we’re on the right path which by the way, we are all on a path. We’re all on our own individual path. Nobody should be on anybody else’s path. We should be on our own path. [crowd claps] Unless you’re lost in the woods and you see a path. Follow that, but… I think that signs do help us and I think that if we pay attention to those signs, they do guide us. And some signs are easier… to spot than others. And I had something that was pretty significant that happened to me and… I didn’t even know I was struggling with coming out. I mean, whenever you’re closeted, you’re always thinking about it. It’s on your mind ’cause you’re worried that someone’s gonna find out. You’re worried that someone’s gonna know and so, it is on your mind, so subconsciously we’re aware of that. But I didn’t realize that until I had this dream. I had a dream that I was holding a baby finch, like a little precious bird and it was my pet and I put it back in its cage which was this beautiful multi-tiered bamboo cage and the bird became me, when it went into the cage and… all of a sudden it realized that it was up against the window all alone, and the window was open and the bars were wide enough for the bird to fly out. And it had been the whole time. And I looked at the bird and I said: “Don’t leave, you’re safe in here.” And the bird looked at me and said: “I don’t belong in here.” And flew out. And the next morning, I woke up and I said: “I’m coming out.” [crowd cheers] [claps] And… before I had that dream I didn’t realize I was in a cage. I had no idea I was in a cage. I had a great life. I had a successful sitcom. I had fame, I had money, I had everything that I thought… that was important. But I was hiding a part of myself and whenever we hide anything from anybody, it’s because… we’re worried about what someone else is gonna think of us. And, even though… I knew that was gonna be difficult. I had gotten to the point where it was more important for me to feel proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people thought of me. [crowd claps] And… [claps] And that time, after I came out, was… really one of the hardest periods of my life, it was. But it was the best part of my journey. Because it is when I realized how strong I was. It’s when I learned compassion. It’s when I learned that the truth will always win. And… That’s when you grow. Like everyone has a fear everyone’s scared of something. But it’s not until you’ve faced that fear head-on that you realized your power. And that’s when you grow and that’s what we all want. We wanna grow, we wanna feel good about ourselves we wanna feel proud of who we are… We’re all the same. So, whether your bathmat scoot is 50 scoots to get to the towel or three scoots to get to the towel… Whether you’re gay, or have dry eye… [crowd laughs] We are all the same… and we are all… relatable. Thank you. [crowd cheers] [claps] [crowd cheers] [song playing in the background] Thank you so much.

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Oh, Hello On Broadway (2017) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/oh-hello-on-broadway-transcript/

I’m thinking we’ll go do the show, and then we’ll go get… If you want to do a slice, we’ll get a slice. I’ll do a slice if I can get a fountain… Let’s go in here. Do they have fountain soda? ‘Cause I don’t like cans. Yeah, this is it. I love it, yeah. Yeah, right. But my point is, if I got an indoor ball… a woman’s ball… and I was at the top of the key, I’d sink more threes. Yeah, but we’re not allowed at that Y anymore. No, but I’m saying if… Look, you don’t have… You can go in disguises to any place you want, if you know what you’re doing on the hard court. I’m nervous about tonight. Why? ‘Cause we’re filming it for the TV thing. I don’t care. I’m gonna get high before… ♪ Tonight when I chase the Dragon ♪ It’s show time! – It’s show time! [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Lyceum Theater. Unfortunately at this performance, the roles of Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland will be played by Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland. Let’s do Broadway. I’ll see you after the show. So fucking dumb. And now, please welcome, Gil Faizon and George St. Geegland. [applause] Oh, hey! I know you. [both] Oh, hello. Charmed I’m sure, I’m Gil Faizon – And I am George St. Geegland. And we are two legendary bachelors who live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Which is the coffee breath of neighborhoods. We want to give a shout-out to the mezzanine and the balcony! [applause] You guys are the reason we do this show! But we will be making eye contact solely with the orchestra. We are gonna have so much fun tonight because theater is the hot, new thing right now. There’s Hamilton and no other examples. Now, speaking of theater being hot, you’ll notice that we are filming the show tonight. Yes. You see cameras all over the place. We’re filming this as a special for Investigation Discovery. No, it’s for Netflix. It’s a binge-watch. It’s a binge-watch. You watch an episode of a show, then you wait a week, and then you binge-watch another episode. Also, if you see a camera, you know, look right down the barrel of the lens, all right? And you know, we’re trying to convey that we have a diverse audience, so if you’re white, tonight, if you could just not be. Yeah! [audience laugh] All right, that covers the business. We want to also give a shout-out to our dear intern Ravi in the booth. Shout-out to Ravi! OK. This is Ravi. Ravi is a junior at the NYU Tisch School for the Arts. Yes, he’s studying to be a playwright, so he’s doing tech for us, unpaid, for nine months. Yeah. He’s Ravi Nandan, OK? He’s one of these new Indian types. He’s a real “Aziz, I’m sorry.” [audience laugh] But we like to joke that Ravi is the master of fun. One of our famous turns. Back to us. Some of our accolades: We are the recipients of a 1997 restraining order. Keeping us 100 feet at all times from America’s greatest actor, Mr. Alan Alda. Alan Alda, double A, beep, beep! “Get off my property!” But who are we really? You know? What is our essence? How to describe? You know when you get to the bottom of a tub of hummus. And you can’t fit your carrot in there, so you gotta use your fingies to scoop it out? Bam! That’s us, baby! [applause] How can I describe the kind of vibe we give off? You know when you walk by a travel agency and you’re like, “What?” – There you go. Yeah. We are the Yerba Mate tea bags, steaming the counter top of American pop culture. But who are we as individuals? Do you mind if I get into my big story? See the stage, use it. And I accept the stage from you, sir. Of course, you all know me, I’m George St. Geegland. – [crowd hooting] – Hush. I’m the type of man you would catch at a party going through the coats. I am neither Jewish, nor a woman, but like many men over the age of 70, I have reached that point in life where I am somehow both. I was born in Providence, Rhode Island, and I am responsible for reintroducing the Polio virus to my school district. As a novelist, I was once compared to Philip Roth. I was also once compared to a police sketch of this Central Park flasher. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been married three times. Unlucky in love, we like to joke. Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! All three of my wives died in the same way on the same staircase. Each death learning from and improving upon the death before it. And a fun fact for this evening’s performance, I am on competing medications. [applause] Well, charmed I’m sure, I’m Gil Faizon. I am a Tony Award viewing actor. And whether I live in your building or not, I am somehow on your co-op board. I look like if Steven Spielberg hadn’t made any money. [audience laugh] Over the years, I’ve had a real back and forth a tête-à-têtes of sorts with fellow actor, Richard Dreyfuss. He of course got the lead in Jaws, and I have lockjaw from all the cocaine I’ve done. I’m also an unlicensed doula. But I’ve made the most of my living as a voice-over artist. I was very nearly the official voice of CBS. Yes he was… I’m sorry, I did not mean to interrupt you, but you did such a beautiful audition for CBS. Would you do for them tonight your CBS audition? I don’t know if the audience wants to hear it. [applause] I was gonna do it regardless, you know. This was my audition for CBS. [clears throat] Charmed, I’m sure, this is Gil Faizon represented by Don Buchwald & Associates. Reading for the role of CBS. This is CBS, baby! Fun and flirty, but am I nuts, did you do like a second alternate take? – Yeah. Right, you did. As an actor, you got to give options, OK? This is one of the main things that I teach in my acting seminar, which is called, “Improvisation for Non-Listeners.” It’s a five-hour seminar, and you get a chicken lunch. It’s a buffalo chicken wrap. It’s so cold… It’s 90 percent romaine lettuce. It’s a cold wrap, a warm Sierra Mist, – it’s on a Saturday, it’s 900 dollars. – Yeah… It really is, it really is, OK. This is take two, Gil Faizon, charmed, I’m sure, formerly represented by Don Buchwald and Associates, reading for the role of CBS. CBS? [high pitched] All right! Perfect! Perfect! And let me say something, I am like, Raven-Symoné level upset that you did not get that job. George, That is so Raven of you to say. It’s not ravin’, it’s true. You, Gil Faizon, how many times have I told you? You are the strongest actor in New York? Ah, this guy… This guy is my rock. He was the one who broke the news to me that I wasn’t gonna get the CBS job. – Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? – [high pitched] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? He wouldn’t let me sulk for one single second, nay, nay, nay. He made me go right back on the horse. We started doing heroin that afternoon. And we’d shoot it between our toes to keep our arms clear for racquetball. Yeah. And then what did he do? He gave me the greatest gift that a writer can give an actor. He wrote a play for me to star in. Which brings us to tonight. You see, over the years, I’ve written several plays for Gil and I to perform… George, you remember the first? – The first play we ever did? – Yes. – Yes. I’ll never forget it. The first play we ever did? I’ll never forget. I was inspired by and directly stolen from… Sam Shepard’s classic, True West. Yeah, but ours was called, True Upper West. That was the big M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end. Is at the end, you’d widen out, which is hard to do in a play. But you’d widen out. And the whole time it had been the Upper West side, and there’s like, a Judaica store, that’s always closed. Who’s that? Who’s that? Who’s that guy? That’s a sewer pop-up guy. You know, a guy pops out of his sewer, “No, thanks,” back down. Now, famously in the revival of True West, you’d see Reilly and… – I’m sorry. And “Phil Sey” Hoffman. – [groans] I’m sorry. It’s hard, because we get choked up on cue at the same point, every show. We just really wanted to make Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death about us. You know? Ladies and gentlemen, it behooves you when a famous person dies, blame the year and make it about you. [George] Yeah, yeah. – [audience clapping] To take a Getty Image, a watermarked Getty Image, […] It means the world to these dead people. Now, famously, in that revival of True West, John C. Reilly and “Phil Sey” Hoffman would switch parts every night. We would do our version of that. We would switch medications, OK? I would take George’s anti-psychotics. And I would apply Gil’s eczema cream. But many of you millennials probably know us from our hit existential drama, Waiting for Godot… Hello. But in our version, Godot shows up, like three minutes in, and then we prank that mofo with Too Much Tuna, baby. We come out with bowler hats on. We take them off, [clicks tongue] we got two tuna sandwiches on our heads. And the audience was in stitches. Literally, because we were performing at a burn ward in Washington Heights. And these… Say it. These fucking Dominicans… It was like… Hey, shut the door. It was like… Like they didn’t understand it. And those that understood English, it was like, they didn’t like it. Most of our plays had been mounted in hospitals, or kill shelters or as a skit during break at AA. Which is why it is such an honor to be here tonight. At the Winter Garden Theater! No, no, the Lyceum Theater! [applause] I thought we booked the Winter Garden Theater. Have you fucking tried dealing with the Shubert Organization? I mean, this is a historic theater. Liza Minnelli mounted her iconic Liza with a “Z” on this very stage, directed by the great Bob Fosse. And if you listen very closely, you can hear in the rafters the ghost of Bob Fosse, snorting Dexedrine and drinking Visine. Here in this theater, haunted by ghosts who could not book a different theater. Here in this theater which is basically on Sixth Avenue. So many great playwrights have staged their works. Tennessee Williams and his sister Serena. You know, they were rivals but they loved each other. I blame the father. [both] He pushed them too hard. – I like your take. – I like your style. That’s why this is the perfect venue for us to present to you… our new play! Ravi, curtain! [cheering] Can you imagine a Broadway show exceeding your expectations by having a set? All of this stuff cobbled together from discarded Broadway sets from some weird warehouse in Secaucus, New Jersey. They have everything at this place. Old props, old costumes, the cast of Newsies huddled over a flaming garbage can. This right here, this is the actual set from the 2005 revival of Steel Magnolias mounted right here at the Lyceum Theater. Steel Magnolias, first a play, then a movie, then again, a play. The Broadway equivalent of moving back in with your parents. What about this wall and staircase from a classic work of August Wilson’s. August Wilson, the acclaimed African-American playwright. I could name so many titles of his plays, but I’m gonna walk over here now. And what’s this right here? A trapdoor, yes. This is the trapdoor from the set of The Diary of Anne Frank. Yeah! Not to be confused with the diary of Anne Hathaway which we stole out of her purse at the Gotham Awards. And what’s inside? Oh, no, what’s this? Oh, me, oh, my! It’s the pillowman from Martin McDonagh’s The Pillowman. And for those you at the crappy sightline who can’t see this, raise your hand. Raise your hands if you can’t see this. All right. OK. So what you’re missing is… It’s a pillow with googly eyes and paper towel arms, all right? So next time, get your tickets earlier or just make more money. And in honor of Jean-Paul Sartre’s classic play, No Exit, we have installed a “No Exit” sign. Which the city of New York informs us is a massive fire hazard. And what’s this right here, the gramophone and shelving unit from a Tony Award winning play, again mounted right here at the Lyceum Theater, I Am My Own Wife. You know, I once had Gil pretend to be my own wife, in order to throw off the homicide detective’s timeline. I wore a dress. Why he wore a dress to make a phone call, we will never know. And what’s this right here? This is the heart and soul of this set. This is the original stoop from The Cosby Show. Which we got for like, nothing. They paid us to take it. They were like, “This thing’s got bad juju, get it off our hands”, you know. But of course, the final piece of inanimate set decoration, is you, the audience. A collection of comedy nerds and theater dorks and… [laughs] children whose parents have made a severe miscalculation. All of you gathered together, wondering if there will be an intermission. There will not! While you’re here in the theater, some ground rules to follow. Ground rules, first off, cellphones, turn them on! Take calls. Take calls, text people. But if you’re gonna text someone, do it like your dad in temple, you know? Also, we have free Wi-Fi for everyone here tonight. The network is “Kimpton Hotels,” and the password is “guest.” If you have winter hats and coats, put your shit wherever you want. Treat this theater the way an Ultra-Orthodox Jew treats an airplane. Spread out! That chair is for your hat, baby. Perhaps you didn’t have time before the show to eat at Guy Fieri’s Great American Garbage Fire. – Eat food in the theater. Eat a meal during the play. Even if you’re like a Jamaican nurse, and you brought your dinner in a big weird Tupperware. And when you crack the lid, wow! It changes the pH of the room. Maybe you brought yourself a sweet treat ’cause you got low blood sugar. Make sure to open your little plastic candies… – [crinkles paper] – Very slowly. Thinking they’ll make less noise, whereas this will make so much more noise. Really, indulge the crinkle as you undress your Swedish Fish, the Lamborghini of the gummies. Or perhaps you brought yourself a Werther’s Original, the AMBER Alert of caramels. [audience laugh] Now, those of you familiar with our oeuvre, which means eggs, will recognize this play. It’s a little more autobiographical than our other plays. That’s right. Oh, Hello. Oh, Hello. We draw on 70 years of a life lived. A first job, a second marriage. When you open your cab door into a city biker as a silent protest against Mayor De Blasio. It’s a play about those emotional moments in life, like when you get a multi-vitamin caught in your throat and it burns so bad that you bail on your daughter’s wedding. I play a character named George Reddington. Yes, he’s a bit based on me. He’s a very successful novelist, who’s having a lot of trouble with this Swedish Fish right now. And I play Gil Stone, a working actor who just got yelled at backstage for moving a chair in a Union House. I’m sorry. Oh, yeah? Well you know what? In England, that’s a slang term for cigarettes, so… We love the great traditions of the theater and that is why we plan to pay humpage to them tonight. For example, the one-sided telephone call. Oh, this is very good. The one-sided telephone call. This is when a character in a play, does a telephone call, but they repeat all the phone call information out loud to the other characters on the stage. First, get a telephone no one would have in real life. Oh, hello. Then as an actor, do way too much business with the phone, all right? Really make a fucking meal out of it. And now, we humbly present the one-sided telephone call. Ravi, a melodramatic wash. Oh, hello? Oh, charmed, I’m sure. The police? That’s who you are? A car accident? George’s daughter? Her head ended up where? Are they talking… I’m on the phone, I’m on the phone, man. OK, yeah, I’ll tell him. Oh, charmed, I’m sure. Hey, George, my friend of all friends. Look at me! I have awful, simply horrible news, but that was a one-sided telephone call! [airhorn sounds] [applause] You are so stupid. My daughter is not dead, I talked to her a year ago. Another device I love in theater is coughing into a handkerchief to show the audience that you are dying. – Would you assist me with this? All right. [groans] Hey, little kids, get your ice cream. Get your… Are you sick, Mr. Manzini? No, Giuseppe. I’ma gonna be OK. Boom time! He’s not well. That guy is sick as a dick. – Audiences like to be screamed at. Correct. The backbone of contemporary American theater is screaming stuff. For starters, it wakes the audience up towards the end of the third act. But also it reveals things from the past. My father was my brother and that’s why we can’t go to lunch today. Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why, Karen? Because I could not afford Adobe Photoshop! My baby. My chair baby. He killed you. Why? [applause] That is of course, from Ionesco’s Chairs. Let’s talk endings. I like when a character says something mildly significant, and then the lights dim, and you’re sitting in your seat, you’re like… Huh? Is that… is that… “Is that the fucking end of the play?” May I demonstrate one of these awful dim lights? Porcupine please. Thank you. Is there a center mark for me to stand? OK, that’ll do. Ravi, can you write a “G” on that so I know it’s for George and not Gil? Thank you. Ravi, hit me with the spotlight. By the way, Ravi, way too loud with the intro music. Way too loud. You bring the house to half, then you do the announce. Don’t ever pooch the opening in my show again. All right, we’re having a nice time, so… So this is a line of dialogue and then it dimmed. You know, looking back, my father was a poor man, but in the end, he gave us the greatest gift of all, a 1997 Toyota Tercel. [laughter and applause] Thank you. What are you eating? Cashews. Oh! – That’s expensive. But imaginary. – There you go. – All right, yeah. I’m allergic. – Uh, I take grievance. With my performance? No, the performance was Pontiac perfection. Yeah – I take grievance with the dialogue. Too poignant? Too significant. – Yes. I like when a play ends just a sentence. That naturalistic thing, where the playwright is trying to say, there’s no good dialogue in real life, – so why should I work that hard? Yeah. Mother, may I? Speak in plain, child. [mumbles to self] Oh, waiter, I’ll have one more root beer, please. Man… [laughter and applause] I got the chills. I got the chills. [yelping in delight] – I got the chills. You got the chills, man? – Are you… – [yelps] I got them. You got the chills, are you sick? No, I got the chills from your magnificent performance. – Though I do have pneumococcal pneumonia. All right. You know, I have mesothelioma. How did you get it? From a commercial. Well, we are about to get started. But before we do… – You gonna hold that? Yeah. All right. It’s got a flick… – I’m just gonna flick the tip. – OK. That made it a billion times worse right there. We are about to get started. – No, fucking… No. – What? Not in life or in the play ever, ever put your nail in between my nail. In my fingie meat. For real, don’t ever do that ever again, for real. – This… That’s a protected settlement. Yeah. [indistinct] Then I’m Netanyahu, baby! ‘Cause you’re my little Bibi. – Yeah, that’s right. Why are you holding on to my finger? ‘Cause I’m nervous. I want the show to go well. Because we’re on Broadway. But, Gil, remember what we always say? Treat a four like a six, and she’ll be grateful. No. Let’s do our best. Oh! Jesus Christ! Enjoy the play! [cheering] * * * This crowd sucks. – Yeah, it’s great. [dramatic music] George steps forward to read stage direction. He leans to one side because the “stage direction” is italicized. Our play begins on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, 73rd & Columbus, to be exact. The setting: A large Upper West Side rent-controlled building. The kind of place where all the recycling bins are filled with used oxygen tanks. And what’s this up here? What? Why, it’s the front door of our two heroes’ apartment. A mezuzah is nailed to the door frame. Just below the painted over nails of a former mezuzah. And for those of you observant enough to clock, that this mezuzah is on the wrong side of the door frame, you’re at the right play. [audience laugh] We open on a brown room, with pea-colored sunlight illuminating what must be pounds of flaked off, old man dry skin. We meet George Reddington. George can hardly get hard, so he must use a tongue depressor as a splint on his schvantz. I don’t know. George is hung like a hotel painting, in that it’s crooked and has seen awful things. [audience laugh] He speaks on the phone. Shh! Well, I’m doing pretty well, considering I’m a 72-year-old novelist, and I live with my best friend Gil and he’s an actor. OK, bye. Just then, Gil Stone, aged 40, enters. – Are you sure you can play 40? [high pitched] Yes! Gil Stone, aged 40, enters. He is soaked from the rain. No matter what health food store you go to, Gil is blocking the vitamin aisle. Gil’s hair, it’s like the JonBenét Ramsey case. The more you look into it, the more questions you have. Gil speaks and says his lines as written. George, have you ever noticed that New York in the rain is like jazz music? No, I haven’t, my friend, but keep going with this. Well, they’re in drops. There like a brush on a tight snare drum. [snares play] And the honking of the horns. Oh! That’s like Miles, baby. [jazz music plays] And for the subway? You got yourself a xylophone. Bing bong. “Stay clear of the falling rain, please.” I don’t want to do the water anymore. Whoa! Whoa! The water spray is the fucking strongest part of the show. Makes my glasses all watery. Look, I know that, OK? You know, Mark and Judy came with their adult son last week, they told me they love the water spray. But Mark and Judy like Stomp. You know, I like Stomp. I love Stomp. They bang everything. It’s the new… You have got to go see Stomp on tour. – It’s the same. – Ah! So tell me, Gil, how was your meeting today with your agent? It was horrible. Oh, no. I mean, he doesn’t get me at all. You know? I’m a serious theater actor. He’s got me going out for commercials. Can you imagine me, Gil Stone, hocking Scotch Tape? There you go again with that artistic integrity. See me? I’m all about money. What are we, two characters with different perspectives? [splattered laughter] I can’t do it anymore, George. Gil. I got to get out of this rat race. Be pragmatic. I walked out of an audition today. For Clamato, I mean… We’re talking about Clamato, George. The number one clam/tomato juice operation in the country today. Some would say the only. How could you walk out of that? What is going on with you? I made a promise, George. A promise. To my parents. I miss them, you know. You know, my father, before he died, he told me two things. First, that he ratted out other Jews during the Holocaust. And second, and more importantly… He said, you got to be yourself. And that’s what I’m trying to do every day in this crazy rat race, man. Is, I got to be me. I got to be Gil! This line hangs there in the air like Lenny Kravitz’s very nice, very full penis, remember when his pants split and it fell out. There’s a video of it. This was like, 15 months ago. We here it at Oh, Hello feel this did not get enough attention at the time. [audience laugh] Gil continues speaking. But then suddenly and quite inorganically, he starts singing. So I walk out of the audition, and I head over to Fairway Supermarket to molest olives. And that’s when it hits me. ♪ Sweet Rosalie She’s working at the five and dime ♪ I have had that song stuck in my head all day, Gil. ♪ Train back to Hackensack With rosemary wine ♪ ♪ Yo deedle doidle dee ♪ [mimics bass] ♪ Cocaine, snort ♪ ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪ God, what is that song? It’s got to be Steely Dan, right? Oh, it’s a billion percent Steely Dan. Remember seeing Steely Dan at the Beacon Theater, nine nights in a row? I love the Beacon Theater. Oh, the Beacon Theater, it’s like the Apollo Theater for people who are scared to go into the Apollo. Walter Becker from Steely Dan, playing his guitar like he’s in the band at the end of a Lunesta commercial. Donald Fagen on the keys looking like if Ray Charles played the organ at a reformed synagogue. [beatboxing the bass guitar] George, did you know the name Steely Dan originated as a dildo in a William Burroughs novel? Of course, I know that. You and I know a lot about Steely Dan. – Gil? Here. Would you check the mail for me? All right. I’m waiting on a reply from my publisher about my new novel, Next Stop: Ronkonkoma. It’s the story of a Long Island railroad trip told from a hundred different perspectives. Let’s see here. [clears throat] “Attention, tenants. Water will be shut off from 9 a.m. until 4 p.m. to punish the unemployed.” Seems mean-spirited, right? I make my own water. Oh, yeah, OK. This one. “Dear Mr. Reddington and Mr. Stone, Your rent controlled apartment is no longer rent-controlled.” But we’ve been living in this apartment for 40 years, paying $75 a month. It’s our God-given right to pay the same amount of rent regardless of property value or inflation. This is an outrage. Ravi, I need that chair to shatter. Let me see this. “Your rent is being increased to $2,500 a month.” Twenty-five hundred dollars for a measly five-bedroom with office, crown molding, and fireplace? How much money do I even have on me? What is this? “Remember, you have Alzheimer’s.” What does that even mean? I’m so sick of finding all these stupid notes in all my shit. When I find the guy that’s putting them there… What are you gonna do to him, Georgie? You know, c’mere jabroni. Stay out of my mirror. [Gil] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me, Gil, is there a third… Tell me, Gil, is there a third letter from my… – It works best if I do the set up. OK. Gil, is there a… Fucking wait! [loud laughter] Say, Gil, is there a third letter from my publisher? Maybe if they sent a big enough advance, we don’t have to worry about the new rent. – Give me the fucking letter. Just ask for the letter. Are we on the same team? – Yeah. The ’86 Mets. You’re all right, you know that? Yeah, thanks, man. It’s from them and it’s nice and thin. Less is more, Georgie. Good news comes in thin envelopes. “Dear Mr. Reddington. We received your amazing manuscript, Next Stop: Ronkonkoma. A one thousand page, totally unproofed document. Unfortunately, we are only interested in young adult puff pieces now. Like Twilight or The Corrections. Maybe you should give more thought to a younger audience.” The nerve of these people. I think about teens all the time. But, George, what did the letter say? It said I’m not gonna get the book deal. Oh, my God, I’m not gonna get the book deal. And I already bought that sheep dog for the author photo. Boy, that guy is going back to Chinatown. [audience groans and laughs] Strap in, folks. [laughter and clapping] What happens if you don’t get the advance? Without that advance, we don’t have any money, and we’re gonna lose our apartment. But we’ve been living in this apartment for 700 Sundays. [upbeat music plays] 1951, Flatbush Avenue. I’m five years old and there’s two things in this world that I love. The Brooklyn Dodgers, and when my mom pushes my head in between her big Polish tits. [ice-cream truck music plays] The Ice Cream Man is here. He says I can have a big boy cone if he can stick a finger in my tushie. 1951, Providence, Rhode Island. I’m five years old and my mother is raising me as a girl. My father is drinking whiskey in a pitch-black room and we are not allowed in there. My big brother Spuddy grabs me. “Hey, George, you want to go see a dead body?” He takes me down to the train tracks, but I had seen that one already. Flash forward. I’m a freshman at Zero Mostel High. My best friend Lamar challenges me to drink a whole bottle of canola oil. I do it, and to this day, when I burp, popcorn comes out. Flash forward. I’m a sophomore at Jonesy School for Misfits. It’s just me and a nun and a young Robert Durst. Fun fact: Robert Durst and my mother jumped off the same roof. On the one hand, I was sad my mother killed herself, but on the other hand, I was happy it was my birthday. It’s true. He was. He really was. Flash forward to the oft forgotten and rarely discussed decade, the 1960’s. – Ravi? Cue music. Ravi, music. [music starts] [George] Ravi, goddammit! Late! Late! Ravi, late! Excuse me. As soon as he says “1960’s,” you come in fast with the groovy music. Ravi, you got to hit that cue or he’s gonna go bananas. No, no, I’ll go banana bread on you, and it will be too dry to swallow. You ever fuck up one of his monologues again, and I will choke you out, Slumdog. George! That is so chivalrous of you. You need to lose like seven pounds. [audience laugh] It’s true. It’s all the Tate’s cookies, you know? They’re so thin… You finish one sleeve and you’re like, “Well, there’s just one sleeve left.” Flash forward, the 1960’s. I’m at Columbia University as a trespasser. I was handing out flyers for this cult I had joined, you know. Fun fact: I’m the only guy to ever get kicked out of a cult for being too into it. But we were a great group. It was an LSD bicycle cult, now known as Soul Cycle. The 1960’s. [no music] [music cues in late] I’m a student at Columbia after an Army psychiatrist deems me too violent for Vietnam. 1969, millions watched Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. I’ll never forget where I was. On a sound stage in Queens helping to fake the moon landing. But the ’60s, you know? I remember one day, I’m walking through the Columbia quad. But the ’60s, you know? I remember one day, I’m walking through the Columbia quad. [both] And I see this really cool dude. Oh, a peace, Oh, hello. ’60s peace Oh, hello to you. Marijuana. I just heard about this really groovy new apartment on 73rd Street. – You want to be room mates? I do want to be room mates, new friend. But I should warn you, I may have to move out soon, ’cause I’m engaged to this girl who will not shut up. Well, I should warn you that I am afraid of raccoons. These guys are crazy, they got these little shoulders and that big belly like a furry jar, you know? Watch out, raccoons, they’ll steal your food, but next thing you know, they’ll steal your heart. Raccoons said, “What are you? A cat, or a fox, you neither?” You’re a raccoon. You’re a raccoon, exactly. And then all of a sudden, they stand up straight, that’s weird, you know? They got those tails that look like tie-dyed Swiffers. And have Swiffers even been invented yet? You got those human hands that’ll [pop] pop your eyeball out, eat it like a green grape. You ever heard a raccoon eat a green grape? It’s like… [grunty gnawing] And I bet in Australia, they call them rubbish burglars. And they are so, so sexy. And another thing about raccoons… And we’ve lived together ever since. [applause] And then a letter comes in the mail from some mailman. Because we don’t have $2,500, we’re gonna lose our home. ♪ Oh, George, I’m so depressed That we’re moving out ♪ [harmonizing] OK, all right, that was interesting. I got a few big problems with that, Gil. First off, we do not have the rights to Bill Joel’s “Movin’ Out.” Right, that’s why I yodeled it. That was way too big of a line reading. So don’t do it again. Oh, yeah, sure, of course. [clears throat] Um, if we’re doing feedback, I-I was thinking, maybe you don’t have to give me notes during the play. Oh! – Oh, big kid, huh? No… Oh, big Gil rides a big wheel now, huh? No, no, no, hey, I like it. Uh, Let me ask you a question. You don’t want to blow this the way you did CBS, do you? [audience oohs] No. You think if you OD’d tomorrow anyone would give a shit? You’re God’s born loser, you know that? You are God… No. No escape. Hey, no, no! [clears throat] Look, we both said a lot of hurtful things, OK? But we got a nice audience, so just please, cheer up, Gil. Do Mike Jackson, do King Pop. Come on, Jackson. Yeah! [mimics camera clicks] – Mike Jackson. – I want to hang a baby over a balcony. That was the funniest thing that ever happened. There’s only one way back, Mike. Yes. – Mike Jackson. Yeah. – You got good at that. – I want to walk on the moon one day. Oh, that’s sad. OK. Let’s slip right back in, OK. I don’t think the audience knows. And then a letter comes in the mail from some mailman. Because we don’t have $2,500, we’re gonna lose our home. Oh, George, I’m so depressed that we’re moving out. So am I. But you know what? Let’s not be depressed. If this is our last stay in New York, let’s have some fun. I was thinking. What if we went down to the old WOLO Studios and taped a little episode of You Know What. You Know What? Our game show that contestants had to guess what you knew? That was such a vague and hard game show. ‘Cause we never narrowed it down what it was, I could know. And the one time that guy guessed it, I lied. No, fat feet, I’m talking about our other show. [mood music plays] We take you now to a big midtown New York City diner, where even ice cream tastes bad. Everyone there is ugly. Do you know what I mean? Every single person… in their own way… is ugly. The menu is like, 19 pages long. And even though it’s a diner, it has stuff like lobster on it. And you’re almost tempted to order it to see just what would happen. We see beautiful Gil Stone. Because he’s in a diner, he eats like he’s in a 70’s movie. Hey, sweetheart, bring me chicken cacciatore or another food that doesn’t exist anymore. Hey, darling, could I get a 1970s coffee, so watery and gray and a gun next to it on the table. Hey, dear, bring me a half cantaloupe, scoop cottage cheese, and a side steak Diane. Oh, shit, shit, we’re live. [clears throat] [both] Oh, hello. [woman] ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ [applause] Oh, hello and welcome to Too Much Tuna on WOLO Public Access. We welcome all of our viewers. Whether you’re a cat, alone in an apartment. Or a Honduran cleaning woman who is not sure if she’s allowed to change the channel. We welcome both of our viewers. Too Much Tuna is a prank show… Eh, eh! Oh, shit. Can’t say? Right. Take two. – Too Much Tuna is a talk show – Yeah! – With no prank element. – No, no. We merely interview the greatest personalities in New York and they don’t at all get a huge fucking tuna comeuppance. This is our final episode of Too Much Tuna ever as we’re being forced to leave our apartment in Manhattan. But for our final episode ever, we have a very special guest. We really do. He’s a good guest. He’s a great guest. Sort of good get. It’s a good get. He began as a writer on the Smothers Brothers’ comedy hour, and since then, he’s been one of the rising stars in the world of entertainment. Please welcome, Steve Martin. [applause] Bye, thanks for coming. God bless you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ ♪ Welcome Steve to Too Much Tuna ♪ ♪ Welcome Steve to Too Much Tuna ♪ How long do I need to do that? [cheering] [Gil] Come on! [Steve] Thank you. Yeah, your belt? I look great with this… – Yeah, you do. You want to untie… I’m actually already wearing a mic because I always wear a mic. – You never know. You want me to do this? – Sure. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Let me get in there. – Like you dress. – Yes. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I look like you now. – I don’t want that button. – No, OK. You want to leave it open? – You know, I’ve been around. – Yes, OK. Oh, no. We know. – What a joy. – Yeah. By the way, the sound is great. – Good, that’s good to hear. Thank you for that measured compliment. Let’s put it this way, I have great hopes from here on out. Oh, that’s so nice. You yourself are a playwright of some great esteem. Well, thank you very much. – But I think you’ve nailed it. – Thank you. – You nailed the essence of playwriting. – Thank you. By the way, you know what Mike Nichols told me once. – He said, there was the… – Oh, you drop something. Jesus Christ. Two minutes in to the interview. – Not that Mike Nichols. – Oh, all right. He told me that RKO Pictures had a philosophy that if… In their movies, when the phone rang, if the news was sad, you answer the phone happy. And if the news was happy, you answer the phone sad. I don’t understand. – Can I see an example of this? – Yes. Where’s the phone? Let’s get Steve a phone, OK. Here we go. Do you want to do a cross? Or do you want to be seated? How do you wanna do this? I think I have to cross. We have to be talking. Is the news happy or sad? – It’s gonna be sad. – It’s gonna be sad. Oh, that’s so… I know, it was so great. That was so funny… Sorry. OK! Action one. Action one. – I think to be fair, I should… – Yes, OK. I’m much worse in quiet banter than he is, but I’ll do my best. I will do my best, OK. Ba, ba, ba, ba… Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was so… She is? Did I tell you who told me that story? – Who was that? Mike Nichols. Oh, my God! Mike Nichols his podiatrist on 83rd Street. – Let’s keep it. – You want to keep it? – First of all, I’m taking it. – You’re taking it? You’re welcome to it. Everyone, by the way, take anything you want. Anything you guys want. Do you have any memorabilia from films, things you’ve taken that are special to you? – Yes. – Would you name them now? Oh! I have my Three Amigos outfit. – Do you ever put it on? – Do I ever put it on? – You ever wear it? – I don’t want to go there now. – You could be deported very quickly. – [Gil]Yeah! [applause] You know, Trump is doing a remake. Oh, he is? Yeah, it’s called No Amigos. [Steve] Yeah. Did you ever know Trump in your dealings… – I never met him, no. – Never? He wasn’t at New Yorker cocktail parties? – No. – No? – That would be very unlikely, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would. And you never went to Maxim Hottest 100 parties. – But you are an art collector. – Yes, that’s… Well, I have collected a few paintings uh, through my life. I’m happy to say that I’ve actually earned more money doing that than show business. Really? No, I’m kidding. Hello, who’s that guy? Did Jews not control the world of art? – Do people think you’re Jewish or no? – No, they don’t. Oh, congratulations. I can honestly say that not one person. You’ve never been stopped on the street? “You Jewish?” – “You Jewish?” No. Presbyterians don’t do that? “You Presbyterian? We need 10 Presbyterians to make a mayonnaise sandwich, please come with us.” There’s always a crisis with Jews on the street. Are you a religious man? No, not at all. No? Did you ever believe in God? Probably when I was a young kid. But no more. Was magic… Was it because you believe in magic? Yes, learning… When I realized card tricks were actually a trick, – I said, there must be no God. Yes. You started re-reading Jesus’ miracles and you’re like, “I know how to do that.” Plexiglass under the water. You just break a fish up into a bunch of different pieces. – Or palming a fish. – Yeah, you palm a fish and… Oh, look what I have here. What was your first trick you learned? Do you remember? That’s really private. No, I don’t. I can’t remember that. It was probably a store-bought trick. Not just simple slight of hand? Well, I learned that later. Yeah. Do you still know slight of hand? – I still know a little bit of it. – Could you do it with a French fry? Sure. [applause] It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s for you. Yeah, that’s right. Oh, OK. You have a child now. I do. So what is it, like money wise? I mean, is it tighter now? She’s paying her own way. Oh, that’s great. Already working. That’s wonderful. That’s so cool. And what do you do for fun? I’m a comedian, actor, writer, yeah. [blabbering] You know, which one do you love the most? When you’re doing an amphitheater, Steve Martin, 1979. You’re doing an amphitheater. You’re doing a Hollywood Bowl. What are you making for that night? Well, in those days, I was criticized for charging a high price. – What was that? Ten dollars. – You know how much these… – I know. I’ve been trying to get into your show for so long, and I could not get a free ticket. And then tonight, you said, if I could come on stage with you. You had to sell a Picasso to get in here. You did that… You wrote… – No, let him struggle. My answer is… Uh, uh, uh. Picasso at the Lapin Agile, This is a play you wrote. I’m ramping into something. Wow, you made a great transition. He’s covering for me because I couldn’t remember Lapin Agile, – Yeah. What were you gonna say? Picasso at the Bistro. I was gonna say Picasso at Au Bon Pain. Which is a French expression for breakfast at LaGuardia. How did you first hear about that this was a historical instance of Einstein and Picasso meeting at a bar. It’s a made-up. – It’s made-up? They never met, as far as I know. They didn’t meet? – No, I don’t think they ever met. I thought the whole thing was that they met… Well, it’s called a play! – Yeah. – I mean, is this real? – OK, I’m sorry. I don’t know. It is? By the way, how do we get Uber on this? – You do Uber? – I do, yeah. What’s your address? Now, Steve, here we are… I’ll tell you. SteveMartin.com. Steve, here we are. We’ve been eating our French fries and our fake hamburger, and you have not had a single bite… – [rousing music plays] – Oh, my God! [Gil] Steve, Steve. [George] This has never happened before. [Gil] This has never happened before in our lives. – And look what has… – Yes! Oh, my God. ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ Steve! Steve, what has just descended from this prop that we stole from Angels in America? At first, I thought it was a Rauschenberg. No, it’s… Look at the size of that thing. Look at this. Look at this fucking Botero in front of you, huh? Look at the size of this. It has a wonderful aroma too. Yes. What we do is, it’s mayonnaise and tuna fish, and we prepare it and then we put it under the lights at 5 p.m. And it looks like… You keep moving it away from you. – Yeah. – It’s my subconscious. I know it is. We modeled it after… Well, it’s Chris Christie’s gunt, is what it is. I don’t know if you saw when Chris Christie wore a baseball uniform, but he really squeezed into it just like that. I wish the audience could see what I’m seeing. Yes. [laughs] It’s like the Kandinsky is painted on two sides. Yeah, it’s a Kandinsky. Pretty smart, huh, Steve? The play and the painting. Well… Do you like tuna fish? Uh… I like tuna fish, but I like it with pine nuts. Oh, pine nuts. We don’t have that. – I like it with avocado. – Avocado is nice. – And some may object, mustard. – You like a little mustard? I have learned that the worst thing about a tuna sandwich is tuna. Yeah! Well, unfortunately for you, you got a big fucking mountain of it in front of you now. I have to say that this actually, too much tuna for me. Yay! ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ Steve Martin, everybody. – Steve Martin, everybody. Thank you, thank you, thank you. – Have a wonderful night. – I’m stealing this out of your pocket. – I’ll keep my mic. – You want to keep your mic? I’m gonna keep my mic so I can comment for the audience. Keep your mic and whenever you think something is not funny, let us know. Ladies and gentlemen… People around me now. Yes, Steve Martin, everybody! ♪ Too Much Tuna ♪ [applause] Steve just whispered to us. He will be in the lobby after the show, talking about the early days. And also, what a great guy. He would like to take a cellphone picture with you. Yes. But he said, “Make sure to give your camera to someone who doesn’t know how to use it.” You know, Steve, there’s a wonderful story behind the expression, too much tuna. You see, years ago, we used to drink tunatinis. Yeah, that’s it. Tuna-fish-based Martini. Otherwise known as the Martuna. Or as it was known in the lesbian community, the Martuna Navratilova. The point is, we would drink fish. And one day, the bartender made a mistake and Gil famously said, “There’s too much tuna on my tunatini, but his Martuna needs more tuna,” and we laughed over it. And you know, Steve, we submitted that to the Talk of the Town, and the New Yorker magazine, and they canceled our subscription. One more time for Mr. Steve Martin. [applause] Fabulous job, yo. And now, back to the play. Actually, George, can we just take five minutes? My stomach’s a little… No, I’m good. George and Gil had been evicted from their apartment, despite having several adult children with guest rooms. They are living in Riverside Park. [both] Oh, fuck. Can’t believe we’re living on a park bench. We could be living in the subway tunnel if you hadn’t blown it with the mole people. Living in the park isn’t so bad. I’ve met someone. She’s gorgeous. Simply glamorous. Her name is Lisa. She’s a raccoon. A new raccoon, how did you meet this one? At the garbage can. We’re both eating the same piece of pizza from either side, kind of like Lady and the Tramp. That’s adorable. But in this case, I end up having sex with the raccoon. You know, it’s an open park, I saw it. That’s New York, you know what I mean? OK. New York used to be a city for artists and people who claim to be artists, but those days are gone. I hate to be the first to say it, but New York has changed. Remember the way this city used to be in the 1970’s? The 1970’s? Boy, do I? [music plays] Late 1970’s, New York is a bankrupt, crime-ridden mess, and it is awesome! Tires roll down the street on fire. And inside of those tires, babies with knives. The 1970’s, Broadway theater is a hellhole. There’s no Disney theater. Disney is just a man in California, trying to freeze himself so he can outlive the Jews. Flash forward. The 1980’s. [rock music plays] Ed Koch. Ed Koch. New York City mayor, Ed Koch rules New York with a limp fist. Sexual politics are changing. Gil and I go down to the drag queen shows made famous in Paris Is Burning. God, those were some great-looking girls. Those are guys, George. They were girls, remember, they were in dresses. No, they were drag queens, those were men dress… No, no, no. I blew a girl. Wait a second. Where did I park? Flash forward, 1989. The Berlin Wall falls. People in gray coats hugging people in beige coats. Everybody ugly. But the Iron Curtain crumbles, so that many years later, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump can ride shirtless on horseback over the charred remains of humanity. Flash forward. The 1990’s. [music plays] Mad About You, pesto sauce, O. J. Simpson breaks his 45-year no-killing streak. O. J. Simpson kills those two people so hard, they stopped making the Ford Bronco. Can you imagine doing something so fucked up, there’s no more Toyota Camry? [fast beats] Meanwhile on the East Coast, Sieg heil, Rudy Giuliani rules New York with his Gestapo-like tactics. Excuse me, the guy gets rid of all the pornography in Times Square, now you got to walk one block west to 8th Avenue? And now 8th Avenue is this cesspool. You go to 44th and 8th to that hand-job parlor? What’s it called again, Shake Shack? [music stops] Oh, yeah, come in our Wacky Shack and we’ll shake you off, and there’s a line of goddamn families going out of there? While you’re waiting, here’s a vibrating butt plug to stick up your tush. So I take this nasty thing and shove it in my prostate, while I give myself a shake off. And I’m the one that gets thrown out? But Rudy Giuliani, he truly was the hero of 9-11 because no one else was mayor that day. September 11th through September 19th, 2012. Steely Dan plays the Beacon Theater for nine straight nights, and their sound fills the New York air. [both] ♪ Talking ’bout Sweet Rosalie ♪ ♪ She’s workin’ at the five and dime ♪ [mimics guitar] ♪ Train back to Hackensack with rosemary wine ♪ [yodeling] ♪ I’m sad, cocaine ♪ ♪ Snort ♪ ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪ [both] Oh, shit. I’m starting to think that song doesn’t even exist. Maybe it was just a dream, like our time in Manhattan. [phone rings] Suddenly, there is a phone call. Gil rises and cross the stage right to answer the telephone. But he does not lift the receiver and the sound effect continues until he does, – so this time, Ravi waits. Oh! [ringing continues] [audience laugh out] You’re like genuinely a poor man’s Steve Martin. Yeah, all right. May I ask… Give me some examples. Gray hair to gray hair. Someone who, in his case, actually does a number of things. And I am literally poor. You’re someone who claims to be, playwright. This is our first successful show. You believe that now? – After all the ones we’ve had. My version of The Color Purple was good. It was a one-man show, though. It was a one-man show called The Color Purple where I just wear a cock ring. Yeah. And then remember when I directed that version of Bye Bye Birdie sponsored by Grindr called Bye Bi-Curious. Yeah. Maybe Steve would help us out with our Terri Schiavo musical. [ringing continues] You mean You Snooze, You Lose? – Yeah. Let me get the phone. [laughs] [mock sobbing] Oh, hello? The head of New York One? That’s who you are. You saw Too Much Tuna, you loved it, you want to make it into a TV show and pay us enough money that we can afford our rent and then some? Well, head of New York One, I’m happy to say to you, no, thanks, bye. What? “No, thanks, bye”? We just get offered enough money to save our apartment by doing Too Much Tuna, and you say, “No, thanks, bye”? I’m not some corporate stooge, George! Jesus Christ! Again with our character differences? [audience laugh] I haven’t been totally honest with you. Be completely candid. I don’t want to leave the park. Things are getting pretty serious with me and Lisa. You know, she is becoming a Yoko between us. A raccoon Yoko. A raccoko! – Break up with her. I can’t. Kick her to the curb. No, they love the curb. Just dump her. She’s a raccoon. She’s a piece of trash. George, she’s pregnant! Lisa is pregnant and it’s my raccoon baby. You didn’t wear any protection? She said she was on the pill. Think back, did she? It’s possible that I just saw her eating Advil out of a puddle. What are we gonna do? Kill her, skip town? No! I’m gonna marry her, George! But you’re Jewish and she’s a raccoon. She wants to convert. She’s taking classes with a Rabbi. The raccoon and the Rabbi sit across a desk from each other? That’s like every New Yorker cartoon pushed together. – I’m happy for you. Thanks. It’s just, I’ve never had money before and I want some. There’s things I want to buy. [melodramatic music] Things I’ve never told anyone about before. Like what, George? I want to lease on all-new Kia Sorento. I want to buy a ThunderShirt. It’s a shirt you wrap around a dog who’s freaking out, and the dog stops freaking out, for the most part. The dog still shakes a little. These two things I desire… Oh, George, I had no idea. How can I ever tell anyone? Growing up in my family, boys didn’t lease Sorentos. ‘Cause Kia wasn’t a car brand yet. It’s such a recent brand. I didn’t know. All right, I’ll do Too Much Tuna on New York One with you. All right, Gil… But wait a moment. You’re so quick to leave the park. Is everything OK with Lisa? George, I just got a text message. It turns out that Lisa is a possum with a burglar mask on! Again? Thrice! Thrice I’ve been doped by false possums. Cheer up, Gil, ’cause we’re gonna be on New York One. The channel that comes on automatically when you restart your cable box. New York One, the number one channel chronologically! [high note] We are now at the midpoint of Act One. At this point in the play, we’re gonna add a surrealist ballet. Now, this is in hopes of winning the newly-created Tony Award for choreography during a limited run vanity project. And we now humbly present, Gil and George’s dream dance sequence, which will take you and us way, way, way out of our comfort zones. This dance was choreographed by an old Asian woman doing tai chi in Prospect Park. George and Gil descend the stairs like two walking Swastikas. We are now in that cemetery that you see on the way to LaGuardia. [making airplane noises] We see the grave of Ed Koch. The grave of Ed Koch, a symbol of a New York that has died. But from LaGuardia, we see the beautiful New York skyline, with the paternal light phallus of the Empire State Building. Work it. And the maternal light nipples of the San Remo apartment towers. Oh, my God, look at the audience getting all turned on. Like they’re at a regional production of Chicago. The front row trying to hide their boners under a mountain of dry ice. You know, this is not a sex show. – This is primal art. This is prehistoric. Mother, Father. Mother, Father. Mother, Father. And baby? We see a tuna baby, we must go to it. We go to care for our tuna baby, but… [tuna laughs] The baby is demonic. The baby is possessed by the devil like when Mia Farrow had that evil child. Soon-Yi? Correct. After a solid Soon-Yi burn, we run. – Gil, where are you? Where is my friend George? Gil, save yourself. Fly away. Oh, no. I don’t need to fly. I’ll just run with you. It’s fine. You remember, if you believe, you can fly! George, I’m not really strapped in. It’s not a good idea. Fuck it, no. I’m not gonna do it. I saw too many productions of Spider-Man where a guy died. I’m not doing it. Fine. Gil and George are now safe from the tuna monster. [roar] [both] This looks expensive. [cackling] That’s Too Much Tuna… trademark. There’s so much production value. George and Gil are now legitimately dizzy so they take a knee. And then a bridge pose, and then a Martha Graham, and then we lay down. [applause] George… George and Gil now rest in real time for, like, two minutes. Ravi. Ravi. It’s George. I’m on the floor. My blood sugar is crashing. Could you go get me a Ferrero Rocher chocolate? Or a Lindt Lindor truffle? My favorite flavor is blue. Ravi, it’s Gil Faizon, charmed I’m sure. Would you go to a bodega for me and get me a box of Kashi Good Friends Cereal? The highest, dustiest box you can find. Ravi. It’s George, I’m on the floor. I need you to go to Just Salad, at like, 1 p.m. when they’re at their busiest. And just get on line and be like, “Now, let’s see, how does this work?” Ravi, it’s Gil Faizon. Will you go to Chipotle and get me a big bowl of Ebola? Ravi! Will you go to every pizza place in New York and bring me the most sun-faded headshot of Danny Aiello? Ravi, it’s Gil Faizon, charmed, I’m on the floor. Will you go to the Magnolia Bakery as featured in the Sex and the City walking tour and just open fire? Ravi! Will you go to Long Island City, Queens, ’cause I won’t. OK, nap time is over. Flash forward. One year later. George and Gil are on New York One and living on top of the world. Gil can not stand up because he has polenta body. Meaning, it all holds together but it’s soft and absorbs tomato sauce. Gil is now standing like a toddler in a YouTube video. Flash forward, one year later. Too Much Tuna is the huge hit show in the whole Tri State Area, and George and Gil are living the high life. They can get a table at the La Famiglia Pizza in the port authority any time they want. George can finally afford to fly JetBlue Mint from JFK all the way to LaGuardia. And Gil fulfills his life-long dream of trying biscotti, and it is not worth it. George re-enters in a look that can only be described as pussy safari. [techno music] We are now on the set of the corporate and successful Too Much Tuna. God, people treat me so differently now that I’m famous. It’s like suddenly, jewelry stores do have a bathroom I can use. Hey, what’s up, everything? Hey, space grandma. Oh, hi. Oh, good you got the craft services that I like. Watermelon that’s been in the fridge for three weeks, so that when you eat it, it’s like spicy. Hey, Gil, let’s take a press photo. [camera clicks] We’re gonna be on the cover of Wired magazine because anyone can be. Things really are changing. You know that black high school that I walk by? The kids used to scream, “Hey, shiboy fruity booty” or “Look at that mop-looking motherfucker.” Now when I walk by, they all just cackle and scream, “That cream-a-wheat n i g g a got a TV show.” All right, let’s get to work, everyone. Now that our mascot has arrived. Hey, what’s up, Tony? – Hello, Tony Tuna, how was your weekend? Oh, my God, he’s using again. I didn’t want to say anything but he’s not going to meetings any more. Jesus! It’s that new girlfriend of his. She’s helping him do the cocaine. ‘Cause he ain’t got no arms. – Who, Tony? – No, he’s a sandwich with eyeballs. – [phone rings] – Oh, hello? – Oh, hello? What? No, New York One, please, that’s unacceptable. What? This isn’t a cellphone? Did you hear what New York One is gonna do to our show? They want to turn us into clam show called “That’s A Lot-o Clamato”? Which is a terrible title. I would call it, “You Got Clam Juice, You White Trash Idiot.” George, uh, I don’t know if you remember but I said, I got to be Gil, I got to get out of this rat race. I won’t work for Clamato. Then neither of us will. Gil, we’re gonna confront the president of New York One, and tell him our integrity is not for sale. Great! So let’s take the subway, the 4-5? No, let’s take the R and then walk. Shake! [dramatic music] The climax of the play. We are now in the plush, billion-dollar headquarters of New York One. There’s a glass trophy case, filled with Xeroxes of other people’s Emmy Awards. George… Gil and… Gil and George, armed with their integrity, – are ready to do battle with the evil… George, please, I just need… with the evil network president, who, tonight, in a very special treat for us, and for everyone here, is played by Broadway legend, Mr. Matthew Broderick! – Hold! – Hold? Shit! Matthew, no. Don’t come out. We’re on a hold. What’s the hold? I got to go to the bathroom. No, you’re gonna hold it. – I’ve been holding it since Steve Martin. Please. Please, do not do this to us, OK? You’re an adult. You can control your bowels. No, it’s getting pointy. [audience laugh] Can we just take an intermission? No! No fucking intermission! They ruin the flow of the show. Would you stop the Super Bowl halfway through to do a bunch of bullshit? You are not leaving to go to the bathroom. [moans softly] OK, I don’t… I don’t need to go to the bathroom anymore. Come here. Let me talk to you a bit. Come here. Did you just take a shit in your show corduroys? Did you just take a shit in your show corduroys? No! Goddammit! We don’t have doubles of those! Lights, Ravi. What? George Reddington wouldn’t call for the lights. I am not George Reddington anymore. I am George St. Geegland and you are Gil Faizon, and this is over because you ruined it! Matthew Broderick is waiting right behind that door. Waiting to come out and act, and you ruined it! George, I’m a Peter Pan. I don’t know when I’m gonna grow up or when I’m gonna go to the bathroom. It’s what makes me so charmed, I’m sure. Except you’re not charming, Gil. Richard Dreyfuss, he’s charming. But you’re an immature idiot. I can not believe the CBS people wanted to give you that voice-over job! What did you just say? N-Nothing. You just said CBS wanted me for the voice-over job? No, I’m just delirious. I’m so sick. That’s not gonna work on me. I know that’s sheep dog blood. OK, if I were you, I would just drop this right now. How can I drop this, George? It was a life-changing opportunity for me. Just drop it, before I have to start screaming revelations. – I can handle it. – You booked it! You booked the CBS voice-over job! You booked it! And I took the message and I lied to you! I lied to my best friend and I loved every second of it! Is that what you wanted to hear, huh? You wanted to hear how fucked up I am inside? Which take? – Why does it matter? – George? At least do me the service of telling me, which take the CBS higher ups responded to? The first or the second, George? Only because I know how much you appreciate feedback. Most of the higher ups responded to the first take. This is [high pitched] CBS, baby! You go too big. You go too big. You’ve always gone too big. You would have embarrassed yourself. And I was protecting you. Protecting me, from what? I’m the strongest actor in New York, your words. I was lying to you, Gil. [crowd awes] You thought you were the strongest actor in New York? There’s like seven guys ahead of you. Name one. Bobby Cannavale, Stanley Tucci, Oliver Platt, Liev Schreiber, Vincent D’Onofrio, Nathan Lane, Griffin Dunne. No, excuse me. Griffin Dunne is not New York-based. What the fuck did you just say? Oh, I’m sorry, ’cause the last time I checked, Griffin Dunne lived in Rhinebeck and could be in Manhattan in an hour and 15 minutes! And every fucking casting director in town knows it, so how dare you pretend not to? How dare you fucking pretend not to know where goddamn Griffin Dunne lives? No. No. George, if you… [groans] If you don’t apologize to me right now, then, I walk, this play is over! If you had booked that job, we would have hung out less. I am never apologizing. Then I guess I’ll say my goodbyes. Goodbye. Thanks for coming to the show. It’s nice you guys are holding hands like that. You don’t have to stop holding hands. My guess is, you made the choice to hold hands a long time ago, and then you’re like, “How do we break this holding hands thing?” Bye. I look out in the crowd, I thought Dr. Ruth was dating Bill Clinton. Goodbye, thanks for coming. Sorry. Goodbye. Steve, an honor, truly. Goodbye. How old are you? Sixteen. Sixteen. How about you? I just turned 14. You just turned 14? Did you like any of this? [Gil] Goodbye. But I guess I’ll miss you most of all, mezzanine and balcony! [applause] [whoops and cheers] Wait, Gil, wait. Go kiss your boyfriend, you homo. Fuck you. You know what, I don’t need you. I don’t need you to write for me. I don’t need you at all. Oh, you don’t need me at all, do you? Well, tell me, how does a toaster work? Gremlins. You know what, we don’t need each other. [theme music plays] [Gil] Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Gil Faizon’s new show that he wrote himself, Oh, hello and welcome to Gilspeare In The Park. Today, we’re doing Romeo and Juliet, with me Gil Faizon, charmed I’m sure as Romeo, and as Juliet, we have Lisa, the raccoon. Oh, my sweet Juliet hath died. I shouldn’t check to see if she’s just sleeping. I guess I’ll kill myself too. Nobody else says it, but Shakespeare is a fucking hack, all right? Yes, hello, ASPCA? Hi, I was wondering. Who do I call, if I know an adult man who fucks raccoons? Oh, that’s what 3-1-1 is for? Oh, OK. ♪ I just met a raccoon named Lisa ♪ Hey, young lady, you’re 14? What’s your favorite Steely Dan album? What, do you not know a lot about Steely Dan? Ha, ha, ha. Hey, ha, ha. Hey, do all of you not know a lot about Steely Dan? ‘Cause a bunch of the play… Holy shit! Hey, Ravi, what are you doing after the show, you want to hang out? We could go to your dorm room at NYU Tisch and talk about gender fluidity. [Gil] Oh, no. Oh, my. [screeching] [George] The original 1964 Fiddler on the Roof curtain. [Gil] Have we owned this the entire time? [George] Faizon. Random to see you here. [Gil] What’s up, G St. G, how’s your phone call? They were good. Made a lot of friends in the audience. There’s no one out there for me. The world just passes me by. Like I have a clipboard for gay rights. [audience laugh] Yeah, well the band 311 called me and said I can’t fuck raccoons anymore. This play is a disaster. You realize the audience doesn’t even know who Steely Dan is. They know the name Steely Dan. [both] But they don’t know any specifics. Even Ravi blew me off. Dear Ravi. I’ve been too hard on him. Here, help me make amends. It’s never too late. Ravi, hey, it’s George. And Gil, charmed I’m sure. Ravi, we were just talking. I hate to think that what I thought was our funny banter, ever came off like racist abuse. If it did, we’re simply so sorry. Would you please lift the Fiddler curtain? [both] Thank you. Ravi, you’re a good dude. Ravi, you know that letter you need for course credit on your internship? We’re super swamped right now. It’s not gonna happen, so, you know, just drop it. Boundaries, man. Gil? I’m so sorry that I lied to you about a life-changing voice-over opportunity, and then bullied you for 40 years. George, I’m so sorry that I really didn’t do anything wrong. One day, I’ll forgive you. [audience] Woo! [applause] Gil Faizon, would you do me the honor, of performing with me the final scene of this play, just the way it was written? All right. [smooth jazz plays] Meep meep. Flash forward, Christmas time. We’re back in Gil and George’s big midtown New York City diner, but a lot of time has passed, everything’s different now. The mood is familiar, but something’s off. Like when your housekeeper brings her son. Gil and George haven’t seen each other in many years. Gil’s been hanging out a lot more with Tony Tuna these days. Even though Tony’s in and out of rehab, but… Gil doesn’t judge him. ‘Cause I’m the one selling him the cocaine. Oh, no, that’s OK, waiter. I bring my own chair places. Excuse me. Has anyone ever told you that you look an awful lot like Gil Stone? Yeah, I get that sometimes. [chuckles] George? George Reddington. – We were… [both] roommates for 40 years. Tony Tuna is here. He’s got a mustache now. To show that time has passed. Wow, Gil Stone. Hey, you remember all those years ago when we confronted Matthew Broderick who’s still waiting right behind that door. And look at you now, you’re in Hollywood and you’re a big star. I’m a star of a small action movie franchise where I play a secret agent trying to protect his family called, “How dare you steal my daughter?” But me? You, you’re the number one novelist in America. I guess my young adult vampire series, Skateboard Dracula is doing pretty well. Pretty well, 15 million copies in one day ain’t too shabby. Yeah, but most of those teens only bought the book because in it, I explained how to make a bomb. [tuts] Is that your new novel? This? No. A new play I’m working on. Frankly, it’s about me and you. Well, Tony Tuna and Too Much Tuna and raccoons, and finding your way in the world. George, this is the best play I’ve ever read. Thank you. I guess I just have one question. Of course. How does it end? Why don’t we find out together? New York City. A million people. A million different stories. And that’s not even counting… the commuters. Oh, waiter, I’ll have… Well, I’ll have two more root beers, please. [applause] [music] Ravi in the booth. Mr. Steve Martin. ♪ Cocaine ♪ ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪ Great. That was great. – Could you get us a couple of slices? Get one for yourself. Pizza you want? Pizza is nice. You want pizza? ♪ Sweet Rosalie She’s workin’ at the five and dime ♪ ♪ Train back to Hackensack With rosemary wine ♪ ♪ Yo deeedle doidle dee ♪ ♪ Cocaine! ♪ ♪ We both like to do cocaine ♪

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Sebastian Maniscalco: What’s Wrong with People? (2012) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sebastian-maniscalco-whats-wrong-with-people-transcript/

Please welcome Sebastian Maniscalco. So good, so good to be here, man. What a year. Guys, you should know anything about me, I gotta problem with people and how they behave, you know? I kinda grew up with like, a list of rules to kinda live by. My parents kinda gave me a book on how to live, and apparently, nobody got the book. Went to Starbucks, every day that’s all I do, is I watch people and I get upset, I can’t take it. I’m at the Starbucks, this woman ordered a scone, a muffin, I dunno what the hell it was, but they gave it to her in a brown bag and then she was eating it, she was like fingering the muffin outta the bag. Take it outta the bag! Get a plate! What the! What are you eating, crumbs? I can’t take, everywhere I go there’s a problem. You can’t even go to the mall. I used to go to the mall all the time, it was a nice place to kinda unwind, but now they got these little, these huts in the middle of the mall, these little kiosks, what is this? I don’t buy anything out of a hut. I don’t even know if the hut’s gonna be there tomorrow if I have a problem with the product. These things are on wheels, they can be three miles down the road in no time. But we used to own that part of the mall, that’s where we made decisions, in the middle of the mall, right? We used to go with your family, used to go, “Where you going?” “I’m going to Sears. Where you going?” “JCPenney. We meet back here in one hour. ” Now you can’t do that, because you see a hut, you’ll be walking with your girl, you’ll look up there, you’re like, “Oh, come on. “What do we gotta put up with? “What is this hut?” ‘Cause these people that work in the huts are aggressive. These sales techniques are very aggressive. You ever get attacked with cream? Man, you’ll be walking, out of nowhere, “You wanna try cream? “Try cream, it’s good, it’s from Israel, it’s good cream. ” It’s hand lotion. They act like they got something that we’ve never seen before. Who’s trying the cream and going, “Oh, my God! “I’m soft, what the hell is this? “You have bottles of this back there?” Weird stuff are happening in these huts. They’re threading eyebrows, have you seen this? A woman is laying down, and someone’s just. There’s eyebrows shrapnel flying everywhere. Landed in my Auntie Anne’s. World is changing, man. After a while, went to Subway. Why is this a problem, getting a sandwich? It’s a sandwich. I got behind a lady, it looked like it was her first time out ever. Just a look of confusion, bewilderment. Came up to the counter. “How does this work here? “What do you do?” It says, “Step one: pick bread. ” You don’t see that? How do you make a sandwich at home? What, do you start throwing ham all over the table? Pick the bread! And she saw the condiments, her head almost popped off her body. She was sitting there looking at the condiments, telling the guy, “Not that tomato! “No, the third one underneath that one on the side. “I want that tomato. ” It’s not a puppy. Making up the, there’s rules at Subway you gotta follow. This woman’s like, “I don’t want any of those “cucumbers or olives, so double up on the turkey. ” It don’t work that way! The sandwich is $5, there’s a net profit of four cents on that! And you want double meat for no veg? And I feel for the guy working there. Gotta sit there and listen to this all day. He’s like, “I can’t do it! I can’t do it! “They got cameras, they’re looking at me! “Come on, what do you want?!” I got no patience for this. Just keep it moving. When you’re out just, just keep. I don’t hold it up. They guys asked me, “What do you want on your sandwich?” I told him, “Run it through the garden. “ It’s everywhere you go. Grocery store, that’s always a problem, right? Customer service, they gave up. They grocery store gave up on us. They put in self-express checkout lanes. They basically said, “You know what? “You do it. ” Why am I working at the grocery store now? Do you ever look over there? Nobody knows what’s going on. It’s a bundle of confusion, right? There’s always a guy sitting there with like, some artichokes going, “Hahh?” We weren’t properly trained on this machine. Those people go through a three-week training on this computer, and we’re just jumping in on that? Again, I never wanna be the problem, okay? So, my grocery store is open 24 hours a day. You know what I did? I went in at 3AM. Nobody there. I did a self-training on this machine. I got all the different screens down, I memorized some of my favorite items, four-one-six-two: bananas. I know this stuff. So on a Saturday at 3 o’clock in the afternoon when it’s packed, I’m cooking. I’m helping out other people. But I was in the human line, I’m sitting there. My line ain’t moving. Had a price check, you ever get this? They’re sitting there, they scan the steak. Price doesn’t show up. Now they have to turn and ask Timmy, the bagger, to go and find out what the t-bone steak costs. And that person’s always like, “Yes, Timmy, “could you please, please go find out for me?” And now you hear the whole line just get deflated and pissed off at this one person because they didn’t pick out the right steak. I never wanna be the problem. If they scan my steak and it doesn’t show up, you know what I tell the cashier? “Forget it, I don’t need it, keep it going. ” You think I’m gonna wait for Timmy? Timmy don’t even know he’s working. This kid leaves here, he ain’t coming back. Was there even an interview with this kid? I dunno, I’m looking at the bagger, he’s got a rainbow mohawk, right? Then he’s got this, I dunno what it is, if it’s an earring, you ever see this? It looked like somebody took a shotgun and blew a hole through his ear and then they put magnets in his earlobe. Do you know what would happen to me if I ever came home as a kid with magnets hanging outta my ear? My father would throw me against the refrigerator. So I’m in line, I’m, I dunno, trying to be green. It’s hard, okay? I got plastic this time, right? And the whole line got upset. I could tell the whole line got upset at me with the plastic bags. I go, “Yeah, plastic. ” and the whole line’s like, “He’s not green!” ‘Cause they all brought their bag made outta wheat. You know what I do when I see that? “Double bag it. “ It’s hot, I get frustrated when I talk about this stuff. You ever see somebody leave the grocery store and the alarm go off? That alarm constantly goes off. People walk off, right? And all of a sudden they hear, And what do they always tell you? “You’re good! “Go ahead! “You’re good!” You can have nine steaks down your pants. “Go ahead, take off! “Steal it!” So you get heated, man. When you’re out. Gotta stop often to cool off. What’s with, this whole town’s going nuts with yogurt. What’s going on with yogurt? Everybody’s dying for yogurt. They see a Pinkberry, they’re like, “I wanna go get some Pinkberry. ” I’m not a yogurt guy, but I had to go look to see what the problem was. I’m sitting in line, I’m watching people eat the yogurt. First of all, everybody had a sample before they got, what is with the sampling? I don’t do samples. These two women came up, so proud of themselves, they’re like, “Excuse me, do you have pomegranate? “Can we try the pomegranate?” They were so happy they were gonna get a free lick. Now the guy’s gotta turn around, he’s gotta fill up a little Dixie lick cup. And he hands it out. Grown women, but they’re like kids when they get it. They’re like, “This is good! I like this one!” I don’t do any of this. I just got the green tea. If I don’t like it, yeah, I fucked up. You think I’m gonna hold up 12 people’s day licking, “Yeah!” Driving, that’s another thing I can’t do. You ever get behind someone, they’re not moving? They’re not moving, right? You’re like, “Come on!” Right, you’re like, you change into an animal. “Come on!” You’re just looking for the pass lane. You’re looking to pass them. And it seems like it’s days, it takes days for this to happen. But you’ll finally get it, right? You’ll finally get it. But as you pass, you can’t let this go. As you pass them, you have to turn and look to see who the hell is driving this way. You can’t go to bed at night without putting a face to that mile’s prowl. And I dunno what happens to us. As we pass, we lose it. We’re like, “What the hell are you doing?!” Sometimes you wanna just slow up so they can see the face. You pull up and you’re like, “Look at what you did to me! “I was happy a mile ago, “look at this transformation!” Sometimes you gotta go back to your house and regroup, right? I was sitting in my house, couple weeks ago, just relaxing. My doorbell rang. This is weird. It’s a different feeling when your doorbell rings today opposed to 20 years ago, right? 20 years ago, your doorbell rang, that was a happy moment in your house. It’s called company. Be sitting there on a Thursday night, watching TV, your doorbell rang, the whole family shot off the couch. “Oh, my God! “Put the lights on! “Somebody’s here! “We got people!” The whole family went to the door. The kids were in socks. They slid up to the door. Nobody looked to see who it was. You just opened up the door. You were like, “Oh, my God! “Look at that! “Look at who’s here!” And you’d ask ’em, “What the hell are you doing here?” And the person’d be like, “I was in the neighborhood. “I thought I might stop by, see how the kids are doing. ” They’re like, “Oh, come on in! “We’re gonna have some cake!” Your mother had a little Entennmann’s. Be some Sara Lee crumble cake just in case company came over. She made an announcement when she bought it. She’s like, “Listen, nobody touch this cake. “This is for company only. “Those crap muffins, those are for you people. “You better hope to God somebody “comes over so we can cut the cake. ” She put her cake in the middle of the table, proud of it, and she put it right in the middle, “Cut yourself a slice. “Want a cup of coffee? “Want some Sanka?” That’s old school. Lot of the young kids are looking at me like, “What is that, an iPhone app? “What the hell is Sanka?” Your mother had a tin, brown and orange tin of Sanka ready to go just in case the company. She put a big pot on the table. “Go ahead. ” Nobody had a cell phone back then. If your house phone did ring, your father stood up and said, “Nobody get that phone. “We got company. ” And you lost track of time. Two hours went by, you were like, “We gotta get outta here. ” “That’s okay. “Next time we’re gonna come by you. ” “Yeah, my door’s always open. ” Now your doorbell rings? It’s like, “What the fuck?” Your own mother’s crawling across the kitchen floor. “Get down, ma! Army crawl! “Army crawl! Get in the closet. “Go get the sword in the living room. “Somebody get the sword underneath the couch in the living room. “There’s a sword. ” You have to turn and ask your family, “You invite anybody over? “You invite anybody over?” There was always that person upstairs that didn’t hear the bell. They come walking down, “What the hell is going on?” “Get the hell down! “Somebody’s outside! “They’re at the door! “I think they saw movement! “Oh, God! I gotta open it! “I got no cake! I go no Sanka! “I got nothing! “I got nothing for these people!” You can’t stop by anybody’s house anymore. If you do, you have to call from the driveway. You’re like, “I’m here. “Can I approach? “It’s me and three other people. “We’re gonna walk up through the side. “Is that your mother with a sword? “Why does she have a sword?” It’s all changing, man. And if you wanna see a big change, and see what’s happening in the United States, get called in for jury duty. Last week I was at jury duty the whole week. Am I the only one going to this stuff? I call my friends, “You going?” “Nah, we shred it!” What? So I go, 7:30 in the morning, right? 300 people. You sit there in this little room. And I dunno man, we’re in trouble as a country. If you wanna get a temperature gauge on what society is looking like, go to jury duty. They say it’s a jury of your peers. The people there are one step away from being a defendant. Nobody knows how to follow instruction. The guy’s up there, it’s simple, “Name. ” “Okay, name. ” “Address. ” “Address. ” And people are like, “Hahhh?” Then he opens it up for questions. “Any questions?” Worst thing you can do to the general public is start opening up a questions session. The hands that shot, this woman’s shoulder almost popped off. People love to hear themselves speak. “I have a medical condition. ” Nobody gives a shit. Fill out the form and go to the courtroom. The guy next to me, in broken English, asks me how to put his name tag into the laminate. And I’m like, “You’re gonna determine “whether somebody goes to prison “and you’re having problems with the name badge?” You need a release, right? You need to go out. You need to do stuff like this. Friday night comes out, “Come on, we’re going out, we’re gonna do stuff. ” I went out last week to a nightclub. I can’t do this anymore. I’m getting way too old for the nightclubs. You know you’re old when you walk into a nightclub and you’re like, “Is it loud in here? “Why’s my hair vibrating?” I can’t dance anymore. I used to bounce around. I was able to dance. Used to go out in my early 20’s, I had my Cavariccis on. Mighta had that belt that shot down. Used to ask girls to dance. That’s what we did, we went out dancing. All week long we practiced at the house and then Friday night we tested it out. Guys would have confidence, man. Girls would be hanging out by the bar. Guy would have enough confidence to pick out the one he wanted and ask her to dance. Real cool, we’d come up, we’d be like, “Hey. “How you doin’? “You wanna dance with me?” And she’d turn around, she’d be like, “Yeah, “I’ll dance with you. ” She’d turn to her girlfriends, “Hold my purse, Joanne. ” And you’d go out to the dance floor. You wouldn’t touch one another. Very respectful, you’d just watch each other move. You’d be like, “Yeah. ” You had that stupid dance face. You’d lean in, “You look fantastic. ” Then you would go to the bar ’cause that song would come in that nobody could dance to, right? That song would always pop on. Like, “I can’t dance to this. “Can’t dance to Whitesnake. “Let’s go get a drink at the bar. ” So you would go to the bar. This is where you would have to have a little personality. Flirt with her, right? I grew up with a group of guys who were all funny. That’s what we’d do, make fun, goof around with girls, make ’em laugh. Girls’d be like, “Ohhh You guys are funny!” I’d be like, “Yeah, I know. ” You would go in for the kill, you would get the number, like, “Why don’t you write your number down on a napkin? “I’ll take you out for some steak next week, huh?” And you would get the number on a napkin. It was kinda damp, right? The ink would bleed a little bit. Before you left the club you had to ask her, “Excuse me, sweetheart, is this a seven? “Did you write a seven?” You give your number out now, five minutes later you get a text message, “What are you doing?” What do you mean what am I doing? I just met you. Back off! It’s weird now at these clubs. It’s embarrassing. Men look like predators. They look like predators on the dance floor. They don’t ask girls anymore. They just come right behind them. They’re like This is flirting? Somebody wanna call the authorities? These nightclubs. Go to the bathroom at a nightclub. That’s a whole different sub-culture in the bathroom. They gotta bathroom attendant in the bathroom. They put this guy in here about 15 years ago and his sole job is to give you a towel after you’re done washing your hands. From here to your hands. Now, I dunno if that was a problem for people. I dunno if people were coming outta the bathroom wet, “What do I do?! “I’m wet!” So management said, “You know, listen, “they’re not grasping the concept. “They’re coming out, they’re drenched, they’re soaked. “We need to put a guy in there to distribute towels. ” And as soon as you walk in and you see him you get pissed off that he’s even there, right? You walk in, you see him, you’re like, “Oh, God! “They got a guy!” It’s weird! Now you gotta talk to him after you’re done, you’re like, “Yeah, smells like crap in here, huh?” And you gotta tip him a dollar for the towel, for what? I could see if I took a crap in a sink, “There you go man, sorry about that. “Little screwed up tonight. “You wanna wash that out. “Maybe light a match, some Febreze, “a candle, do something! “I’ll give you a dollar. ” It’s weird man, but the world’s changing, I dunno what’s wrong with people. Go to the club, they got, everybody’s gotta tattoo now. Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! All the guys will get one, right? They’ll put one on their bicep. Now every shirt becomes a sleeveless. They gotta billboard their tattoo. They gotta show it off because there’s like an emotional meaning behind it, right? Some idiot will come up, “Excuse me. “Hi, I’m sorry. “What the significance? “Why do you have a cobra head on your bicep? “What?” Now the guy gets all emotional, he’s like, “Thanks for asking. “The reason I got the cobra, “five years ago my father, excuse me, “my father got bit by a snake. “So to remember him by, I put the snake head “on my bi, it’s not done yet. ” It’s never done, right? They always gotta go back, get shading. “2019 I’m gonna have the whole cobra “all over my body. “For now, it’s just a head, but what’s gonna happen, “it’s gonna drape across my chest, “it’s gonna cascade down my torso, “the tail’s gonna wrap around my nutbag. “Don’t laugh, it’s for my dad, you know? “It’s gonna creep around my back, “the rattle’s gonna tickle my nipple, “and on my nipple it’s gonna say ‘Dad “rest in peace’, you know?” What the hell are you doing to yourself? What, did you forget he died? What, do you look down in the shower, “Oh, yeah!” People ask me all the time, “Sebastian, why don’t you have, “why don’t you get a tattoo?” I go, “I don’t put bumper stickers on Ferraris. ” But that’s what we do, we go out as a society. That’s all we do, is go out. Go out to dinner with your friends. That always gets weird, especially if you go out with a group and you go out for anything, like a dinner or whatnot, and when the bill comes, it gets weird. ‘Cause what normally happens is the bill will travel around the table. People will then begin to pitch in what they think they owe. The problem with this is there’s always somebody last to get the bill. A look of confusion and concern comes over their face. They’re like, “One, two, three, four. ” Now, people see this and they’re like, “Need a couple extra dollars or something like that?” They’re like, “Well, I’m $687 short. “So the two bucks you’re gonna pitch in “ain’t even gonna put a dent in this. “So how ’bout this, how ’bout “the bill take another lap? “Do another lap. “I don’t think my chicken tenders were 700.” That’s one way it might work, right? Sometimes you’ll be out to dinner and somebody picks up the bill at your table. Now, there’s a game involved with this. If somebody’s nice enough to pick up a bill, you just don’t go, “Hey! “Thanks!” No, there’s a game. Somebody takes the bill off the table, you have to stand up and lunge, lunge for the bill. You lunge but you don’t touch it! ‘Cause if you touch it, you might end up with it. You’re like, “I never wanted it. “I just wanted to act like I did. ” So you stop shy, “What the!” And you act like you don’t know, you know exactly what’s going on, but you have to act like you don’t. You’re like, “Come on, what are you doing with that? “Come.. ” Now the person will go, “Please, come on. “I’m making a lotta money, you know that. “I got this tonight. ” The person doesn’t sit down. You have to come back with number two. Now, you go fish for the money. You’re like, “That’s ridiculous, it’s a lotta money. “Hold on here,” right? And you go for the money, but the money’s back here. You just shake a pocket hoping they cut you off. If that person has any class they’re like, “Please, come on on. “You’re embarrassing yourself. “I got this, get it next time. ” You have to come back with number three. “At least let me leave that tip down. “Come on, huh?” Now the person will then say, “Your money’s foreign. “I got it all. ” Now, I’ve been in situations where I go, “Let me leave the tip,” and the person’s like, “Sure, go ahead,” I’m like, “You cheap bastard. ” You might go out with a group, you might go on a date. Some people go dating, right? It’s what a lot of us doing, right? Nice couple here, hugging her, gripping onto her, “It’s my girl. ” It’s nice, it’s love all about. The first date’s the big date, though. You go on a first date, there’s a lotta flags, lotta red flags going off on that first date. I watch how a woman eats, this is a huge deal-breaker for me, okay? Took a girl out a couple months ago for Italian. She ate everything on the plate. I got no problem with that. – Yay! – Yeah I got no problem, do it all you want. The problem I had is she then took a piece of bread and did a sponge job. My father does that during the holidays. You might wanna wait ’til we fall in love until you start mopping up sauce with bread fragments. Another deal-breaker, when I go to the girl’s house for the first time. Ladies, be prepared for the come-over, okay? Have some options for me. You come to my place, I’m ready for you. I have it. It’s like a hotel. Soon as we walk in, I turn around, “Want a little Diet Coke? Apple juice? “Wine? What do you want?” I got Orangina. Nobody’s got Orangina. Throw that at a chick, “You wanna glass of Orangina?” “You have Orangina?” “Yeah, I got it. “Sit down. ” This girl had nothing. We walked in, she turned around, she’s like, “You want some water, something like that?” Water? I’ll get that outta the hose. Little things bother me. I dunno. Another girl, she offered me some scotch. I said, “Yeah, can you put that on the rocks?” So she brought it out, I went to go take a sip, I smelled the ice cubes, the ice cubes smelled like her freezer. I’m like, “What is this, Johnnie Walker “and mixed vegetables? “Change out your cubes!” Every three days I’m breaking cubes at my house, fresh. It’s what we do, though. Dating in the beginning’s cute, though. God, everything’s adorable, isn’t it? Nobody can do any wrong. You guys been dating for a while? About a year now. – Yeah, a year, it’s cute, right? There’s no arguments, everything’s adorable. He walks into the kitchen, she’s got a little broccoli hanging off her head. It’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. He comes in, he’s still flirting, he’s like, “Baby, you gotta, “you gotta piece of broccoli hanging off your head. ” She flirts right back, she’s like, “Oh, sorry. ” You get married, you have kids. That ain’t funny anymore. Little things are pissing you off about that person. Never bothered you in the beginning, right? Now little things, just the way somebody brushes their teeth in the morning could set you off. You walk in, you look at ’em in the mirror, you’re like, “Oh, look at this shit. “I hate you. ” You might get engaged. That’s the next step. Now, most guys, I like a classic go to a knee. That’s what I think men should do. Drop to one knee. I think that’s what about 90% of the guys do, right? Soon as the guy goes to the knee, soon as he does this, the girl sees what’s happening, she gets excited, she’s like,. Guy will drop down, he’ll get a little emotional, he’s like, “Baby, “you know, we been dating for 18 years, you know? “I know you’re 48, you probably can’t have kids anymore. “I think I’m done clubbing. “I think I should maybe settle down, you know?” And you put the ring on her finger, she’s like, “Oh, yes. ” Some guys get stupid with it, right? They’ll be out at dinner, they’ll be sitting there, and the guy’ll be like, “Look in the mashed potatoes. ” “Yes. ” Now you gotta plan the wedding. I come from an Italian family. Italians do it a lot different than most people when it comes to weddings, okay? Italians don’t register at Bed Bath and Beyond. We don’t bring a toaster to a wedding. Italians bring cash, okay? We put it in an envelope, sometimes there’s not even a card, there’s just cash with a post-it note, “Congrats. ” Now, the bride and groom know they’re getting cash. They’re sitting there with a satin bag that says “Cash” in diamonds. And people walk in and, you know, they start making a deposit. Now, some people don’t give the cash right away. They hold onto it. They wait ’til dinner’s served. They go to dinner, they’ll have the dinner, they’re eating the chicken. They go, “The chicken’s kinda dry. “Take a hundred outta the envelope. “The food stinks. Take a hundred out. ” Then at the end of the wedding, the bride and groom, they go up to the room, and before they do anything, they start opening up these envelopes. Now, the groom takes out a black log book. And what they’re gonna do, they’re gonna log the amount and the name in of everybody that came to the wedding, right? So the guy will be, “What’d the Pentangelis leave?” She’s like, “$10,” like, “Cheap bastard, $10.” The reason for this book is when the Pentangelis get married you go back to the book and you look, “Pentangeli. Put 10 singles in that envelope “and tell them to screw themselves. ” That’s how I did it. My father, cash. That’s all, he had a wad of cash growing up, no wallet, just the wad, just a big knot with a broccoli band around the wad. We’d negotiate. My father would negotiate prices at Sears. It was embarrassing to go shopping with the guy. The salesman didn’t know what the hell was going on. The salesman like, “The refrigerator’s “gonna be about $1,200, here. ” My father’d be like, “No, it’s not. “We’re gonna pay cash. ” The salesman was like, “Yeah, we accept cash, sir. “$1,200.” My dad like, “Cash. “What’s the price gonna be with cash?” It’s not a flea market! We’re at Sears! I didn’t grow up in a huge family. I have a sister. But, I dunno, I dunno if I wanna have kids of my own. It’s coming to a point now where my friends all have kids. They’re always asking me, “Sebastian, when are you?” I go, “I dunno if I want kids. ” They’re like, “What? “Oh, no! “Sebastian, kids are a miracle. “It’s an amazing thing. “Once you have one of your own it’s not about you anymore. ” “It’s about them. ” Why the hell would I wanna do that? And it’s not the kids I gotta problem with, it’s the parents today. It’s a different parent than how we grew up. First of all, is everybody’s kid fantastic? Why is everybody bragging about their kids? Don’t we have any dumb kids anymore? My parents were honest with people. They never bragged about me. We went to the aunts and the uncles, as soon as we walked in, my father was like, “Yeah, we don’t know what the hell’s wrong with him. “I dunno, something’s off with this kid, something’s loose. “Look at how big his head is. “Look at the head on this kid. ” They put me in the back, “Go in the basement. “Play pong. ” Now I got my friends always coming over with their kids. Bragging, “Sebastian, she’s so advanced. “She’s reading at a fourth grade level, “she’s only in second grade. “Show Sebastian the face, show the face you make!” I don’t give a shit. If your kid could fly from my backyard to the front yard, yeah, I might wanna see that. “She’s unbelievable! “How’s it happening?!” But whatever your kid does, nobody cares! They got their kid in every sport nowadays, every activity. What are you doing? The kid’s exhausted. Pick one thing for this kid to do. But no, the father, the mother can’t fathom that the child just might not be good at something. It’s never the kid’s fault for lack of talent. It’s the coach. You ever get this family, they gotta complain to the coach? They come up to the coach, “Coach, wanna come here? Yeah. ” “Hi, we’re the Gibsons. “Just wondering why my child Tyler’s not participating “in the game with the rest of the kids?” “‘Cause he stinks. “It’s why we gotta bench. ” Not everybody’s a winner. Not everybody gets a trophy. You know who got the trophy when I was growing up? First place got the trophy, right? Yeah, that’s it. It inspires competition, right? They don’t even keep score in the games. I couldn’t believe it. I came to my buddy’s kid’s game late. I said, “George, I’m sorry I’m late, what’s the score?” He’s like, “We don’t keep score out there. “All those kids are winners out there. ” “Are you watching the same game I’m watching? “Kid’s running the wrong way. ” I didn’t grow up this way. My parents prepared me for life. Disappointment, failure. They put me in basketball. They came to the first game. At half time my father sprinted down from the stands like, “Get the hell in the car, you suck!” He’s apologizing to the coach, he’s like, “I’m sorry you had to watch that. “I dunno what the hell he was doing out there. ” Even I knew I was bad while I was doing it, I’m like, “I don’t feel good! “Get me off!” He pulled me right off the court, he’s like, “Listen, you humiliated yourself. “You embarrassed our entire family. “People took off work to watch what you just did. “Get in the truck. ” Italians, we don’t play basketball. When’s the last time you put an NBA game on and said, “Take a shot, Nunzio!” It doesn’t happen! “Put in Carmine for the three!” No! Italians, what do we do? Cement, nice cement driveway. Meatball sandwich. Give us a church, we’ll paint the whole ceiling. Certain cultures do certain things well. Italians generally do not go into the medical field, right? Have you ever went to an emergency room and like, “This is your doctor, Doctor Aquilani. ” I’m like, “Wait a minute, you got a Ginsburg back there? “A Leibowitz, a Falkenberg, somebody I knew that studied?” Come on! But it’s culture-based when it comes to raising kids. The culture that’s got it down to a science, in my personal opinion, are these Japanese people. We got any Japanese tonight? You Japanese? – Half – Half. I knew she wasn’t 100% because Japanese people are quiet. I never asked that question, a 100% Japanese, “Yeah! We’re here!” It doesn’t happen. That was her other half coming out. Japanese people, well-mannered people. You ever look at their kids at a restaurant? They’re trained. They sit there in a 90 degree angle. They’re like soldiers. They don’t move. They make one slight move, the father’s like, You ever see the white kid at the restaurant? In half a diaper? Mother just sitting there, “Ha ha, isn’t he cute? ” Look!” No, you know what’s cute? The two year old Japanese kid in a suit eating with sticks. Asking for the check. Two years old, in third grade. But you have a family, maybe. It’s hard to stay married. Peaks and valleys. Lotta men veer off the path of monogamy, right? Celebrities do it all the time and the media focuses in on these celebrities. Mostly guys, right? Probably the biggest celebrity to ever veer off the path is Tiger Woods, right? And they put the guy in a sex-addiction clinic. That’s what they do nowadays. They put people in sex-addiction clinics. There is no such thing as a sex-addict, okay? How do you know you gotta problem with sex? You hit a certain number, you’re like, “Oh, I need help. ” This whole thing is a scam. The only guys that are at the sex clinic are guys that are married and got caught. There’s no single guys at the clinic. There’s not single guys banging on the door. “What’s the problem?” “I dunno, I’m having too much sex out here! “Something’s wrong with me! “It’s awful! “My buddies are laughing at me! “I don’t know who’s coming and going. ” Anytime any of this stuff happens, it ignites conversation in house between men and women, right? A lot of women sit there and watch it on ESPN or CNN, they’re like, “Can you believe what he’s doing? “Can you believe this?” A lotta guys have to sit there and act, “What? “How many girlfriends does he have? “17? That’s disgusting! “Shut it off, I can’t even watch. ” Some women, they take it a step further. They compare the celebrity relationship with their own. You can’t do this. Two different worlds, right? Tiger Woods worth a billion dollars and women were sitting there, “Will you do this? “Would you do, look at me! “Would you do this?” You can’t ask your guy that. If you asked him, you’d have to, you know, guys would have to say, “Listen, honey, “the guy’s worth a billion. “If I was worth a billion, I wouldn’t be with you. “I’m working at Walmart. “This is the best I could do. ” Come on, do you think the guy at Walmart is dealing with the same temptations that Tiger Woods is dealing with? Do you think there’s six foot blonde Scandinavian models walking into Walmart asking the stock guy, “Hey, wanna little of that? “Tell me where your towels are, this is all yours. ” It’s getting weird, man. World is changing. And I dunno if it’s for the better. Lotta technology out there. I’m not into it. Craigslist is a big, big website. People go there. First of all, have you gone to the Craigslist website? It looks like it came out when the internet came out. Does anybody wanna put up some flash? Looks like braille. But people sale stuff on this with no problem. I dunno, I can’t do this. It’s weird, this Craigslist. You don’t know who’s coming to your house, right? It’s like an invitation to get murdered. Just put up the posting, “Area rug for sale. “Come murder me and my family. ” You don’t know what you’re getting. We used to have a garage sale. That’s how we did it. We just threw the garbage on a Saturday morning, just threw it out on the driveway. We put some signs all over town with an arrow, “Come get our garbage. ” And the weirdest people would show up to your home. You would have a table with a cash box and the garage opened, but you would just watch people mill around your yard, right? They’d come outta their cars. Some would get a little too close to the house, you’re like, “Back up! Back off! “Back off! What do you want? “Tell me right from there what you want!” “Can we use your bathroom?” “Bathroom? Get the hell off my property! “It’s not Walmart, it’s a shit sale. “Pick what you need and leave. ” And whatever we didn’t sale, we threw it out! But we broke it before we threw it in the garbage. That’s my father, he’s like, “If they’re not gonna buy it “at my sale, they’re not gonna come by later on tonight “and steal it outta my garbage. “Saw the couch in half. ” What? 12 years old, I’m sawing! He’s like, “Burn all the lamps. “Burn all these lamps. “Pop the eyeballs outta the teddy bear “and then decapitate the head. “You throw the head out on Tuesday “and then the body out on Saturday. “I know who was looking at this bear, “and when they come back and find out “there’s no eyeballs or no body, “they’re not gonna want a head. “ It’s a weird, weird culture out there, man. ‘Cause that technology’s taking over. My father wants to get involved with it. Now, my father is an immigrant, came here from Sicily when he was 15 years old. This guy’s been cutting hair his whole life. Not tech-savvy whatsoever, right? Calls me up the other night. He lives in Chicago, I live out here in Los Angeles, calls me up, he’s like, “Yeah, wanna learn internets. ” Now, I dunno if anybody’s ever taught anybody the internet over the phone. It’s virtually impossible. You can not use internet terms with someone who doesn’t know a computer. And I found that out right from the get-go. I said, “Dad, you gotta open up your window. ” He’s like, “Why? I got two feet of snow outside. “Is that for better reception? “You get better reception that way?” What? Reception? You gotta dummy it down. You gotta explain exactly what they see. I said, “Dad, there’s a blue ‘e’. “Do you see a blue ‘e’, with like a sphere? “Do you see that?” I said, “You gotta click that twice. ” He’s like, “Why twice?” And I’m like, “Yeah, why twice?” For years, I been doing two. One, you get nothing. Two, it happens. Said, “Dad, I dunno, just click it twice!” So he goes, “Is that what the foot pedal’s for?” Foot pedal? He had the mouse on the floor. It’s not a sewing machine! “What are you doing?! “Put the foot pedal on the desk! “What the hell are you looking at? Tell me!” He’s like, “I think I broke it. “I got pipes, I got pipes!” “How old is your computer “that you still have the pipe screensaver? “Is it beige? “Is it a Presario? What do you got?” I said, “Shake the foot pedal to get rid of the pipes!” I said, “Dad, come on! “On the top do you see a white bar?” I was gonna say cursor, he ain’t gonna get that. “Is there a stick blinking in whiteness? “Do you see this?” He’s like, “Yeah, I see it. ” I said, “Type in www. yahoo. com. ” He types it in, presses return, he’s like, “I got nothing. “You gotta call the internets and tell ’em “I got no website. ” I said, “Read it back. What is it?” He’s like, “I got wwwdoty-” “You spelled out ‘dot’?” I’m trying to get the guy to email, right? So I finally get him there, I said, “Dad, call me when you send it. ” He called me back, he’s like, “Yeah, I sent it. “I dunno when you’re gonna get this. “Could be five, six days depending how busy “Yahoo is, I dunno. ” I said, “Dad, I’m looking at it!” So I open up the email, the entire email is in the subject heading. I’m like, “What the… ” It’s scary, man, right? And the older I get, the worse I get. I’m a huge hypochondriac. I constantly think I’m passing away. I constantly think I’m dying. I woke up one morning, my hands were dry, I’m like, “Oh, come on, what, am I disintegrating? “What’s happening?” Now, with this use of technology, anything medically, I don’t go to the doctor. You know what I do? I go right to Google. You will admit stuff to Google that you won’t tell a soul. If Google ever comes out with a printout of what you’ve been asking it, you’re gonna have to leave California. I type in, “I got dry hands, “what does that mean?” Now a bunch of stuff comes back with Google. Google, I stay on page one, I never go to page two, I’m always on page one. I don’t even know what’s on page two. A horse is involved all the time, I dunno what it is. I’m always on page one, first three topics, right? I’m gonna try and self-diagnose what I have based on other people’s stories and anecdotes. This is the worst thing you could do to yourself. The first story I read, they guy’s like, “I had dry hands three months ago and now I got no fingers. ” What? So that’s it, I think I’m dying. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep. Three and a half weeks, I lost 15 pounds. My friends were coming up to me going, “Sebastian, you look fantastic. “What the hell have you been doing?” And in my head I’m like, “I think I’m dying. ” So I went to the hospital. Go to the hospital, go to the doctor. I walk in, I go, “Take a look. “Look at this. ” He goes, “Oh, hold on, let me go take a look at something. ” I go, “Where you going, Google? “I was just there, it says I’m gonna lose my fingers. “What do you know?” He’s like, “I’m gonna write you a prescription “to get some lotion. ” Now, this is always a problem, going to your local pharmacy to get medication. I dunno why, you give your slip to the pharmacist, he always looks at it, he’s like, “Oh “It’s gonna be about another 25 minutes. “If you wanna walk around Walgreens, “about another 25 minutes. ” And I’m like, “It’s right there. “It’s right on the shelf. ” But you never question the pharmacist. You’re always like, “Oh, okay. ” I didn’t take the walk, I stood my ground. I go, “You got it, right?” He’s like, “Yeah, we got it. ” I go, “Why would I walk around?” He’s like, “There’s people ahead of you. ” I go, “No, they’re not. “I’m staring right at you. “Where are they?” He’s like, “They’re walking around Walgreens. ” What? Nobody could tell me why I’m taking this walk. For years, I swear to God, I thought people were making medication in the back room. I thought there was some guy filling up little caplets going, “Tell ’em walk around! “I can’t get the damn things on, they’re too small! “I need another 25 minutes, I got 30 caplets!” So I took the walk, I came back, there’s a person in front of me, and there’s a line, I didn’t see this the first time, there’s a line on the floor with two footprints. And it says, on the floor, “For the privacy of the person “in front of you, please stand behind the line. ” Now, the person is right here. I’m right here behind the line. You’re telling me this much I can’t hear nothing? Right here, right here, no idea what’s happening. Right here, “He’s got gonorrhea!” Every time you come outta the pharmacy there’s always a homeless guy there. I dunno why this is. I love to give to the homeless, don’t get me wrong, but I get attacked nine, 10 times a day for change, I don’t have this type of change for the demand. So I give, but I give once a day. And how, I base it on how they approach me. They guy today had an amazing approach. Beautiful posture. Made direct eye contact. Came up, asked me very nice, he’s like, “Hey, you gotta couple quarters? “I’m down on my luck. ” I said, “There you go, man. “Sorry to hear that. ” He walked his way, I walked mine. There was no problem. But sometimes they scare the crap outta you, right? They’ll fall out of a bush. They got some screwed up walk. Like, “Why am I gonna give you anything? “You took no time with your presentation. “You got 24 hours a day and this “is the best you could come up with?” I dunno what’s wrong with people. It’s all changing, man. And I’m glad you guys came out tonight to watch some live entertainment, because I don’t even know what they’re giving you on television. American Idol, this is a huge, huge thing. What is it? It’s your neighbor. You turn it on, you’re like, “Isn’t this Kyle from Kinkos? “What the hell is he doing on televison?” No, I grew up with entertainment, man. Musicians that created something, an image, a costume. When Michael Jackson first came out I lost my mind. Oh, God! Yeah! He came on MTV, I’d stop what I was doing, it was like an event. I’m like, “Ma, look at this! He’s a.. “He’s got one glove. ” Do you know the talent you have to have to come up with one glove? Nobody gave him this outfit, the guy had to think of this. Sitting in his house after Off the Wall, he’s like, “How am I gonna top 8,000,000 sold? “Go get me one glove. ” What? “Yeah, and go dip it in diamonds. ” Do you think he stopped with the glove? He’s like, “You know what? “Go do that with my socks. ” Then he looked at himself in the mirror, he’s like, “They’re not gonna be able to see the socks. “Hem the pants eight inches off the ground. ” What? And not only did he pull it off, the whole world was doing it. I was doing it! I had the red jacket with the zippers and the cheese graters on the top. I would put Michael Jackson moves into conversations. I’d come up to my mother, I’d go, “Ma, you think I could get a popsicle?” We were all doing it. That’s talent. Prince, remember when this guy first came out? Four foot two? Four foot two with high heels! I didn’t even question that. Purple Rain? The movie changed my life. Remember that motorcycle he had? Eight times too big for him? Remember when he pulled up to Lake Minnetonka? He’s sitting on his bike with that black jumpsuit, that mane for a hairdo, that shit around the mouth, whatever the hell that was. His little boots. Size two boots. Apollonia was this guy’s girlfriend’s name. Could you imagine meeting this couple at a party? Be like, “Hey, how you doing?” “My name’s Prince, this is Apollonia. “What’s your name?” You’re like, “Shit, I gotta go change it. ” What do you come back with? “My names John, this is Carol. “What the hell are you? “Are those mini boots, what do you? “Is that lace around your wrist? “Who are you?” I wanted to be Prince. I’d walk around my house, outta nowhere, “Dearly beloved. “Dearly beloved. ” My mother’d be like, “What the hell did you just say?” Mother, I said, “Dearly beloved. ” Now what do we got? American Idol? Some idiot from Montana singing a song in his t-shirt with his entire family in the front row telling America to vote, “Vote! “Vote for our child so we can all have a better life!” Fuck your kid. He stinks. Put him in the truck. Thank you guys, you been fantastic. Thank you so much. Thank you

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Sebastian Maniscalco: Aren’t You Embarrassed? (2014) – Full Transcript

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Good, good. It feels good to be home in Chicago in the center of the city. Huh? Oh, good. I grew up, uh, 25 miles away from here in Arlington Heights. So… And when we picked this beautiful theater for this, uh, special, I told my father, you know, “I’m gonna do this special “in Chicago. I’m gonna do it downtown.” He didn’t say, you know, “I’m proud of you. Congratulations.” He said, “Where are these people gonna park?” It’s good to be home. I-I love this city. There are certain cities I do not like going to. I’m not a Vegas guy. I know a lot of people love to go to Vegas for a weekend. I don’t… I don’t… You could see a good, uh, portion of the population that descends on Las Vegas over a year, and I’m here to tell you we’re in trouble, okay? We’re in trouble as a nation if you look at Las Vegas. I don’t know, is anybody embarrassed anymore? Is there any embarrassment? Huh? Is there any shame? I’m checking into a two billion dollar property, right? Beautiful. Italian marble. Five-star restaurant. Chihuly art hanging from the ceiling. And I looked to my left at the check-in thing, and there’s a group checking in with an Igloo cooler. All right, not even a new one. Duct tape on the ha… on the handle. Ten cases of Schlitz. George Foreman Grill? What are you gonna do, grill chicken in the room? Aren’t you embarrassed? Come on! The place reeks of cash. Sammy Davis, Frank Sinatra, used to come. Tuxedo, cuff links. And you brought chicken thighs? So I’m like, “You know what, let me go relax at the pool.” Go to the pool area. Now, I don’t know how you people do the pool, but when I go to, like, a public pool, hotel pool, I go away from the people. I don’t go near people. I don’t chitchat, all right? I know a lot of people like to go in the midst of people. “Oh, hi!” “Oh, we love the weather. We come once a year.” I don’t do this shit. Okay? I go away from it. I set up in my own little corner. I got three towels. I start making the thing, okay? Like a fitted sheet, everything… is tucked in. Neat. I brought a book. I see people doing this on vacation. They bring a book to the pool. You ever see these people? I watch and I go, “How are they reading here?” 118 degrees, they’re reading a full-blown book. So I’m like, “You know what? Let me try this. Let me bring a book to the pool.” So I sit down, I open up my book. Now, my biggest problem, I can’t mind my own business. I’m halfway through the first page, and I start looking around like, “What the fuck are they doing? “What is this? Why are they doing that?” There’s a group of guys came down loud. I’m not into loud people. I heard them before I saw them. It’s this group, the high-five group. You ever get this group that comes down? What? You’re 42 years old. Why are you high-fiving? You’re at the pool. You didn’t score a touchdown. What are you high-fiving people for at the pool? And they sit right next to me. I’m like a magnet for these types, right? They sit right next to me. Now I’m honed in on this group. Guy took his shoe off, four Band-Aids on his foot. How does it get the four Band-Aids? How does this happen? After one Band-Aid, isn’t that a hospital visit? What are you trying to fix… at your home with four Band-Aids? One box of Band-Aids should last your entire life. This is a one-time purchase. When you die, you should have leftover Band-Aids for generations to come. And I’m thinking if this guy gets into the pool with his Band-Aids on, they’re gonna have to drain the pool and refill it. I’m not getting into the pool with Band-Aid juice floating on top of the pool. All right? I don’t know what’s underneath the Band-Aids. There’s always a Band-Aid; there’s always a loose Band-Aid in the pool. It will find you. You’ll be talking, hanging out, right? The damn thing will just come in. You’re like, “Oh, God! “It’s a Band-Aid! “Get it away from me! Get it away from me.” You’re wearing Band-Aids, you should be disallowed in the pool area. Okay? But this is the country, people. This is what we’re living in. We are in trouble. Igloo coolers and Band-Aids, okay? No wonder the Chinese are winning. All right? Something’s going on in the country. It’s got to be the Internet. It’s got to be the Internet. Internet’s bringing out people we never even knew existed. 30 years ago, these people never left the house. They were in their basement, talking to themselves. They didn’t leave. They had no outlet. Now you give them the Internet? They have an outlet to the rest of the world. Now they’re in chat rooms and… Where are people getting the time to do half of the stuff they’re doing online? People are living on the computer. Writing reviews on restaurants that they go to? You got nothing going on with your life? I don’t know, me and my wife, we go out to dinner. I’ll tell her right there, salmon sucked. Let’s get the fuck out of here. That’s it. We don’t run home and tattletale on the restaurant. Who’s got this time to write an 18-page essay on asparagus? Who’s doing this? This Internet, there’s something for everybody. Right? You got some weird fetish, some weird thing you do… Look at how weird it just got in here, huh? Some of you are into this type of behavior. But if you like something weird… You like to, if you’re an adult, you like to dress up as a baby, there’s a Web site for you. 30 years ago, if you liked to dress up as a baby, nobody knew that. You did that in the privacy of your own home. If you ever came out of your house with a diaper on, your neighbor would go, “Look at this shit. “Call the FBI. Get this shit out of the neighborhood.” Right? It was handled. But today, just throw it up in the Google. “I like to dress up as a baby.” Next thing you know, they’re at the Hilton on a Saturday with 863 people that like to do this shit. Something’s wrong in the country. Okay? Where do people get the time? Look around you. Everybody’s just walking around. Taking a photo of yourself? They call it a selfie. I can’t even say the word without sweating. I can’t stand the word. I call it taking a lonely. Do you know how alone you got to be… …that you can’t find anybody to take a photo? That you got 838 photos of yourself in your bathroom? What are you doing? What are you doing? Nobody’s working. Nobody’s working. We got people in this country hanging outside movie theaters for four days for a movie to come out. Friday’s the release date. They’re there Tuesday. They g a tent they’re setting up, a little picnic area, generator, sleeping bag. And they’re dressed as the character in the movie. Who’s doing this? My family, my friends, nobody does this. Nobody does this. Okay? I’ve never called my buddy. “Frankie, what are you doing?” “Eh, nothing, I’m dressed as Batman. “I’ve been sleeping in a tent. I got the cape on eBay for 18 grand.” I live in Los Angeles; I see it on the day-to-day. Celebrity goes on trial, downtown at the courtroom, you got people outside the courtroom, marching around with signs. All right? “Justice for Lindsay! Justice for Lindsay!” No job? You got nowhere to be on a Monday at 8:30 in the morning? I never made a sign. Have you? I’ve never wrote on a cardboard box my feelings… stapled it to a stick, drove the stick somewhere… and marched around in a circle for 12 h… “Justice for…!” Some of you are laughing at this. Some of you are not. Listen, if you’re laughing, you’re on board; if you’re not, you’re the fucking problem, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m looking at some of you. You’re like, “I don’t know why this is funny. “I dress up as Batman “and I have an Igloo cooler. I don’t know what’s so funny about this.” The world doesn’t match my upbringing, okay? I’m here to tell you that. I grew up with an immigrant family. My father’s Sicilian, my mother’s Italian. I gotta, I gotta clarify that, all right? Half Sicilian, half Italian. But if you talk to my father, “You’re Sicilian. You’re Sicilian!” Okay, Dad, relax. They instilled work ethic into me at a young age. Young. If you come from immigrants, they don’t play around with the work. Okay? I’ve been working since I’ve been eight. Eight years old, these people put me to work. I didn’t know what was going on. I was watching cartoons on a Saturday, my-my father walked in the living room. He was like, “Hey. Go start a business.” What? Now? Right? They never bought us anything. I come from middle-class upbringing. They never bought us a damn thing. They told us who had what we wanted in the neighborhood. I’m like, “Dad, could we get a dog?” “Dog, yeah. “Two houses down, they got a dog. “You want to pet an animal? “You walk two houses down, “you pet their dog and then you come back here and cut my lawn.” What? What lawn… why…? What does the lawn have to do with a puppy? What are you talking about? There was no napping, growing up. Once you… once you were up, you were up, okay? Not like today, where the kids are, “I’m gonna go take a nap!” The mother’s like, “That’s okay, Justin. “Go take a nap. “You’ve been up for two hours now. “You’re probably exhausted. “So go upstairs, “lay down, refresh, “and come back down when you’re good and ready to operate your day.” Not my family, okay? Father been living up my ass my entire life. Constantly on me, questioning me. I was an altar boy; he questioned that. Right? He was like, “Do they pay you “for this shit at the church? You makin’ any scratch?” I had to ask the priest for a raise. I said, “Listen, we know what’s going on here. “You’re collecting a lot of cash during the Mass, “and nobody’s getting a cut. We need something, okay?” The priest says, “We don’t pay for Mass. We pay for funerals.” I said, “Then put me “on the funeral circuit. I’ll start working funerals, okay?” That’s what I was doing. I was working three, four funerals a week, during my lunch hour. During my lunch hour, I would have to wolf down my lunch… which was impossible to do, ’cause I had the Italian lunch, okay? My lunch had to be refrigerated in the teacher’s lounge, all right? Or it would spoil. I had to… fill out a special form… …that the school wasn’t responsible if the veal piccata spoiled in the refrigerator. All right? I had real silverware. Nobody wanted to trade at lunch. Everybody had, like, American… you know, Ho Ho, Twinkies. I-I said, “Anybody want some ‘S’ cookies? “I got ‘S’ cookies. “Stella D’oro? Nobody wants this?” And my mother would say, “Make sure you dip those in coffee.” “Coffee? “Ma, they don’t serve coffee “in the lunch room. I’m in third grade.” “Well, I’ll pack you some coffee, then!” So I would eat the lunch, run over to the church, work a full funeral. All the other kids having a ball, meeting friends for life, and here I am, eight years old, over a corpse, with incense. The guy never pays full price for anything. My father, constantly looking for a deal, went to the dentist. Sitting down at the dentist, the dentist told him, “Listen, you need a crown. It’s gonna be about $800.” My father was like, “C-Crown? “I could get the crown. I got a crown guy.” Crown guy? “Yeah, I’ll bring in the part and I’ll pay you for the labor. I’ll pay cash.” What? It’s not a body shop! Beautiful garden growing up, though; beautiful. We never went to the grocery store. We grew it. Right in the backyard. Beautiful. Tomato… string bean… All right? Little zucchini… You want some fruit? You picked it off the tree! But at night, we found out something was going on in our garden. There was a little raccoon… …something. Something was nibbling… on my father’s tomatoes, okay? It was a big deal. We had a family meeting about it. Most American families, they’ll call up Orkin. “We’ll just call Orkin. “They’ll come set up some traps. “Then they’ll release the animal back into the wild so it can reunite with its family.” My father’s like, “Listen, we’re gonna murder this motherfucker. “All right? We’re gonna put antifreeze on bologna.” What? “Why, Papa? Why?” “‘Cause it eats the intestines, that’s why! “Now go get the antifreeze in the garage. “We’re gonna make a sandwich for our friends tonight.” Woke up in the morning, birds, squirrels, raccoons murdered all over the property. Neighbors coming by, “Have you seen our cat?” “Nah, we haven’t seen shit. Does it like bologna?” We sent the message. Okay? Trap don’t send the message. Antifreeze makes it clear: we ain’t playing around with our zucchinis. Okay? Old World upbringing. Superstitious… God, my family’s superstitious. I remember, once I got my first car… It was a 1984 S… uh, Celica. Toyota Celica GT, shit brown. All right? Soon as I got it, my father hung a red horn from the rearview mirror of the car, right? Just a red horn, dangling. I go, “What are you doing? This looks like…” He’s like, “It’s for the malocchio, the eye. So nobody gives you the eye.” I go, “What eye?” “The fucking eye!” Italians, Sicilians, they believe if somebody looks at you they could literally give you bad luck, just on a look. All right? So now we have to have defense mechanisms. Okay? I dated girls who weren’t even Italian. They’d get into the car. They’re like, “Why do you have a red pepper “hanging from your rearview mirror? What is this all about?” And I’d have to explain, “Nah, it’s for the demons, you know? “It’s so nobody looks at you and cripples your soul. “You don’t have that in your family? No?” It was all Old World. No real medication at the house. I didn’t know what was going on. I got a fever, my mother started cutting potatoes. Right? She would put slices of potatoes with a rag… I go, “Don’t we have any Tylenol? “Why are potatoes on my head?” I just… I grew up, I was covered in Vicks. We had vats of Vicks, they would just… rub… just rub me. They would boil water, they would drop the Vicks in the water. Then I would have to hover over the water. Right? 183 degrees. Breathing. Then a beach towel would come over my head. I’m like, “I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe, get it off!” And they would just hold me there. “Stay! Stay!” “I can’t… “I can’t breathe. Don’t we have Halls? We need Halls.” But as odd as this upbringing might’ve… might’ve been, they taught me passion. They taught me, whatever you do in life, you do it 138%. You give it your all. Yeah. Pride. Pride in work. You look around now, nobody’s working. The people that are working, they don’t want to be there. Huh? Go to the airport. The people that work at the airport? Upset that we even showed up to fly. I’ve never seen an angrier group of people in my life. Soon as you walk into the terminal, they’re tapping each other, “Look at the, look at… They brought bags. They got bags!” I can’t take the airport, especially now, with these families. Especially now, summertime, the families, they’re coming out like ants. Ants! With these little kids… Enough with these little kids on an airplane, okay? One week old, with placenta on it, going to Hawaii. For why? And what happened to fathers in this country? Their balls have been detached and thrown in a purse somewhere. What is going on with the fathers? I’m looking at this family check in. The wife is doing everything. She’s lifting the heavy bags. She’s doing the ticketing, the boarding passes, and the father’s off to the side, like a dunce, sitting there with his son hanging off his chest in some type of kangaroo sack. “Honey, do you…? “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to speak. “I’ll just sit here like an idiot. “I’d breast-feed if I could. You know that.” It’s even happening with my own friends. I call my buddy, I go, “What’d you do today?” “Well, I went to the parent-teacher conference.” Parent-teacher conference?! My father didn’t even know where the school was. He’d often ask me, “What grade are you in? Where are you at?” Now the buddy’s got a man-cave he can’t stop talking about. “Oh-ho, you got to come by. “Got my man-cave. “Go down there, watch the game on Sunday. Got my beer in my little koozie.” Man-cave? You’re bragging about a man-cave? My father had a man-cave, it was the house. There was never, “Change the channel, Dad!” We didn’t do that. We watched whatever he was watching. We sat there, watched it, all right? Five years old, I’m watching 60 Minutes, going, “This is terrible what’s going on in Lebanon, huh, Dad?” It was time for me to check in, right? Now, the check-in process at the airport, they don’t want to look at you. Head down, right? No smile, nothing. I feel like I’m working, right? I feel like I work at United. “Hi! How ya doing?” Right? The only time they get happy is when the bag goes over the weight allowance. They love telling you, “You’re gonna owe extra on this bag.” And you know it’s heavy. When you’re packing it at home, you tell your wife, “We’re never gonna make it with the…” “It’s okay.” “Okay, I’ll pack it, huh?” So heavy, right? You put it up there. And you know it’s heavy, so you kind of try and release it… You do that, like, kind of soft release. Like that’s gonna take… take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, she’s like, “Ooh… “I’m sorry. “Your bag is two pounds over. You’re gonna have to take two pounds out of your bag.” Now, like an idiot, I’ve got to open up my bag in front of 187 people. I don’t know what two pounds is. I’m taking out a boot, a sock, toothpaste… “Is this two pounds? “Does anybody know what two pounds is? They’re gonna charge me an extra $8,000.” “You think the boot’s a half a pound?” I mean, I go, “Where do you want me to put this?” She’s like, “Put that in your carry-on.” I said, “It’s still going on the plane!” Wha… What does it matter… if it’s on top or underneath? They guy behind me’s 500 pounds. That doesn’t matter? What’s…? My sock is gonna take the plane into the Pacific, but you prepared for this type of weight? It’s a scam. Every part of that airport bothers me. The TSA… the security checkpoint. This is what’s guarding our country? Have you seen what’s in the blue shirts at O’Hare? Do you feel safe with this type of security? I’ve been all over the world… Egypt, Lebanon, Beirut… I’ve been all over. The security in their airports… unbelievable. All military, neat, hats, machine guns… Have you seen our first line of defense? Y-You see the first guy they send out… “Take out your laptop!” “Your liquids, your creams, your gels…” And can we leave the shoes on? Have you seen people’s… Have you seen people’s feet…? Guy took his shoe off, looked like he had a machete hanging off his toe. I swear to God. Like he could cut… provolone… just a thin… slice… of provolone. How does your toenail get to this point? Don’t you glance down and go, “Shit, I got to cut this before it starts coming through my shoes”? These are basic skill sets. But I got a fear of flying. My biggest fear… I’m gonna die in a crash, right? What, this Malaysia thing’s freaked me out. Two months ago, this thing went down. Nobody could see it, right? Nobody could find it. Where is this damn thing? They tell me before I fly, “Your seat could be used as a floatation device.” Where are these seats? They can’t find 283 seats floating in the ocean? Where did the seats go? What do you do, though? You’re on a plane, it loses control, and you start heading for the ocean, right? You’re on the plane. Oxygen comes down. People start breathing. Me? I’m hanging myself. Gone! You think I’m hitting the water at 6,000 miles per hour? What does that feel like? I’ll take the hanging, okay? I’ll take the hanging. But knowing my luck, I’d hang myself, the pilot would regain control. And I’d be the only idiot hanging for seven hours on the way to Beijing. With people ringing the call button, “Do you want to get him down? “He keeps swinging into my area. “I’m trying to eat my cashews and watch Frozen. “Could you unwind him? He keeps hitting my tray.” So, I got this upbringing, I got this weird way of looking at the world, right? Finally found someone who could deal with me. I got married last year, and I’m happier than shit. I gotta tell ya. My wife is an angel, okay? A complete angel. T-The total opposite of me, okay? Loves people. Loves people, she’s from the South. She’s always smiling. She’s like a dog, she likes to play. She likes to come out and play. I’m like a cat, I love to hide, right? Her friends come over, they’re, like, comfortable. Right? I like people at the house, but, like, her friends stay long. Like, my friends… uh, you know, my friends, after the game, they’re gone. Hers? They’re like, “Oh-oh, I’ll just sleep here.” “No. No, you’re not.” Her friends, like, open the refrigerator. I’m sorry, I didn’t grow up that way. You don’t open anybody else’s refrigerator. Right? The refrigerator and the master bedroom… you don’t, you don’t look at. You ever get a tour of somebody’s house? “This is the master.” And you’re like, “Oh, okay.” You don’t go in there and go, “Oh, do… this where you fuck? You fuck here?” “Right here?” No! You just skip it, and you move on to the baby’s room. No, a friend came over the other night. She comes right in. She goes in there. She starts shopping… like it’s Jewel, right? Took out a bowl of cherries. Beautiful cherries… I just bought them, right? I didn’t even get to taste them. What I like to do is, I like to take out the cherries, put them in a separate bowl, give them a nice wash, and slip those in the refrigerator, right? This one takes out the cherries. She’s eating the cherries, and we’re, she’s talking to me and my wife. Now, it’s all over my face. I can’t hide it, all right? I’m sitting there, I go, “I-I got to go to the bathroom.” Now I go hide. I go… Like a cat, I go somewhere else. And my wife has to come get me. She’s like, “Wha…? Would you come out here?” I go, “She’s eating the cherries.” How does she know I’m not making a cherry pie with that? But that’s why I fell in love with my wife. Totally different. I’ll come home, and the pizza delivery guy will be in the house, while my wife goes to our secret stash… and pays him. I go, “Why is the delivery guy in our kitchen?” I didn’t grow up with delivery people. I was the delivery person. My father would order a pizza in January, right? 38 below outside. And he would tell me, “Uh, go get the pizza. “It’s gonna be ready in 30 minutes. I just ordered the pizza.” I go, “They got delivery. Why don’t you just…?” “I’m gonna pay delivery when I got you? Go get the pizza…” But the customer service, right? I-I run into it a lot, the customer service, ’cause I handle, in my house, all the hook-ups… Internet, whatever we need. Gas, I do all that. Got on the phone with the cable people, right? I don’t know if you ever try to hook up cable over the phone with these people? There’s a pre-recorded message that says, “We’re gonna monitor the call for quality assurance.” Right? So, as soon as I get a live operator, I tell them, “Just so you know, I’m recording the call on my end, too, okay? “You got me, I got you. Behave. Behave.” So the next morning, I come down for breakfast, I got a guy in my yard already. Cable guy‘s in the yard already. My wife is like, “What is he doing?” I go, “I don’t know.” Now, I handle that. That’s another thing you handle as a husband. You got a guy in your yard, you take care of that. You don’t send your wife. “Go… go see. Go out there.” As a husband, you have to handle stuff. You make reservations to a restaurant, as the man, you check in. You go right up to the… “I got a two Maniscalco tonight, you got that?” You don’t send your wife. I see it all the time. Wives go up… “Hi, we’re here. “Two for, uh, Johnson. “It’s ready? “Honey? You want to… “It’s ready, honey! You want to come up here?!” Handle it. So, I handle the cable guy. I come outside in the yard. I go, “Hey, what’s going on? What are you doing?” “Oh, nah, I can’t do it! “I can’t do it! “I can’t get at the… the cable, I can’t get it.” What?! You don’t come to the door, introduce yourself… How’d you get back here? “I can’t do it. I gotta take a break.” Break? You didn’t do nothing. He’s telling me he can’t hook the cable up because the cable’s in my neighbor’s yard. I gotta ask my neighbor if it’s okay for him to go get the cable. I go, “Julio, you broke into my yard…” “…can’t you just break into his? “It’s your cable. Go get the damn thing.” “I can’t do it.” So me and Julio go over to my neighbor. I just moved into the neighborhood. I don’t even know the guy. I knock on the door, the guy came to the door, had a full medical mask on. If you have a medical mask on, and you answer the door, that’s gotta be the first thing out of your mouth, okay? Why you got this damn thing on. I come to my door, with a medical mask, I take it down: “Listen, doing some painting in the garage, gets into my lungs, that’s why I got the mask.” This guy, nothing on the mask. Started talking through the mask. He’s, like, “What’s going on?” I go, “No, no, no… what’s going on in here?” I just bought the joint next door. Do I gotta put it up for sale? Why the hell do you got a medical mask on, on a Monday morning, okay? Let’s get into that. I’m gonna send Julio in your yard. Is he gonna come out with no head? What are you doing with the mask? I live in the negative. Live in the negative. My wife is in the positive, okay? Came back to our house, I said, “Put the ‘for sale’ sign up. There’s a guy with a medical mask living next door.” She’s, like, “Maybe he has a respiratory problem and that’s why he has the mask.” I go, “Or maybe he’s got 16 bodies in drums, “in formaldehyde, in his basement. Put the sign up, we’re moving.” You can’t get any customer service with the cable. Here, I went to Chipotle couple weeks ago. Love Chipotle… they make a really nice burrito over there. It’s so terrific, the employees can’t stop eating it. The employees are never working. They’re always in the dining room eating. Ever walk in there? I’m, like, “Where are the workers?” The only guy behind there is the guy cutting chicken, just looking at you. Right? He’s not trained on burrito building. And I’m watching the people order… I mean, there’s a sneeze glass there, right? But people always hook the arm over the glass: “I’ll have corn; I’ll have more corn…” Just say, “corn.” It’s not soundproof. It goes right over the glass. Get your claw out of the salsa. And nobody talks to the Chipotle people. There’s no conversation that happens. They listen to the same shit eight hours a day, right? Just, “steak… “beans… cheese…” gone! I never seen anything like this. It’s like you’re not even… It’s like a robot. “Chicken… “peppers… lettuce…” And the employees… All… day… long. And God forbid if you ask for guacamole… oh, my God… the whole store goes into a panic attack. They don’t even know how to tell you it’s extra money, right? You’re, like, “Put some guac on that…?” “Uh…” “It’s $1.80 extra. Is that o… is that okay?” Yeah… it’s okay. Most stressful job at Chipotle has to be wrapping these damn things, right? By the time the wrapper gets it, his employees have populated the burrito with so much ingredients, the guy can’t even find the tortilla. He starts sweating. He’s, like, “How am I gonna wrap this damn thing?” Right? It’s a workout. He’s gotta get down, gotta use some quads, a little core, start… tucking and fold… tuck and fold. It took me 23 minutes to get a burrito out of this place, huh? I felt, at the end of this, Chipotle owed me something. So I asked for a water; I filled it up with Coca-Cola. Huh? Least I could do. 23 minutes in line, I go to the Coca-Cola machine, and I stare at them while I fill, like this. Coca-Cola in the see-through glass… what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do about it? It’s everywhere you go. Went to Best Buy looking for a TV. Salesman came out. He had one these eyeballs, one of these fucked-up eyeballs, looking into the kitchen area. Listen, if you got a fucked-up eyeball, and you’re in sales, you gotta tell me that right off the bat, okay? You have to open with that: “Listen, I know my eyeball’s looking into ‘DVDs’ right now.” And I could say, “Okay, what eyeball can I trust? Where do I need to be?” “What eyeball do you think is “gonna start looking at the Samsung? “Tell me; I’m confused. I need an eyeball.” But that’s why I got my wife. My wife chills me out, all right? She’s from the South, she’s Spanish, she’s Jewish… who knew these people even existed, man? Spanish Jew from the South. I didn’t even think the Jews went down there. But Italians and Jews… very similar, you know? People say “same corporation, different division,” all right? We get along… there’s an obvious, you know, thing with the religion. I went to my first Passover dinner. She’s, like, “My mother’s gonna have Passover.” “Okay, we’ll go to the dinner.” 7:30, we sit down at her mother’s house. I’m starving, right? Starving. They start passing out pamphlets, like, reading material… I’m, like, “What’s going on? What are we doing here? What’s with the…?” She’s, like, “No, we read for two hours.” Two hours?! I said, “Listen, I’m Italian. “As soon as I sit at a table, I gotta have bread within 15 seconds of sitting down, all right?” “I need something to do with my right hand, I need a… “Is there some oil coming out? “We got oil? I need oil. Now. Hungry.” And the food they start bringing out? Oh, God… terrible, terrible food. Jews have no idea what the hell they’re doing in the kitchen. These people have no cuisine. Celery, crackers, jam? I’m, like, what is…? We’re losing… people are leaving. We need food. After breakfast, they fall apart, the Jews. After a bagel, cream cheese, lox… where they going? They got nothin’. The have nothing. Has anybody ever said to you, “We went to this Jewish restaurant last night…” “The gefilte… amazing!” I respect the Jews, but let’s just have the Italians cater the Passover meal, all right? Come on! I could read for a couple of hours with some meatballs on the table. When I first met my wife, I had some secrets. Right? I couldn’t share ’em. Everybody’s got a secret in the room. Everybody… everybody here has a secret. Especially that lady. My secret? I couldn’t digest dairy, okay? Something you can’t share, first month of dating. You can’t be out to dinner and go, “Listen, I can’t have any dessert, or I’m gonna shit the bed tonight, all right?” No, you just eat the dessert and you deal with the consequences later on. All right? Went back to her place, started to watch a movie. Halfway through the movie, the dairy starts dancing, right? I had to ask her, real cool… this is in the beginning, where you have to be cool with everything… You’re, like, “Listen, you got a bathroom or something like that?” “I don’t know why… you got a bathroom “or something like that, or something? Something I could u… something I could use?” Hoping she would say, “Yeah, it’s down the hall to the right, and then you go outside.” She’s, like, “No, it’s just around the corner. You want me to pause the movie?” I said, “No, actually, could you, could you turn it up a little bit? I want to…” “Turn it up. I want to hear the acoustics in the bathroom.” So I would lock the door, I would put the water on in the bathroom. Get some noise going. I later told her, right? I said, “Yeah, I got a dairy problem.” She’s, like, “Dairy? I thought you had OCD. I thought you were constantly washing your hands.” “Washing my hands? I was farting into your towels.” Anything to muffle the sound, just… Oh, God, I hope she doesn’t wash her face with that. God, I can’t go back out there. It’s rancid. It’s so rancid. But it’s fun. It’s fun being married, sharing my life with a beautiful woman. All my friends got married when they were real, real young. In their early 20s, they all started families, start popping out kids. I was the last guy to get married, all right? So they were excited for the bachelor party. You know, married guys with kids, they’re looking for a prison break, right? The phone started ringing off the hook. “We gotta plan your bachelor party.” My buddies say, “We gotta plan your bachelor party, or I’m gonna fake my own death soon, all right?” “I’m six weeks away… “from starting a fruit stand in Nicaragua. I gotta… I gotta get out.” So my buddies, they plan a Miami weekend. Go to Miami for the weekend. It happened to be urban weekend. It was Black Weekend in Miami. So we looked like four mozzarella sticks at the pool. My friends still think they’re in their 20s. My buddy’s like, “Let’s go to the pool. Let’s start talking to some chicks.” I’m like, “Steve? You have tits.” “It’s over, Steven. “You have a C-cup “with a beautiful areola. “No one’s looking for that, Steven.” But when you’re in your 40s and you… go on a vacation, a lot different than when you’re 20. When you’re 20, you don’t even carry a toiletry bag. Everything’s loose. Just gel, hair spray, cologne. Just lives with your clothes. When you’re 40, the toiletry bag becomes the focus of the trip. It’s so big, when you unpack, you got to hang it. You hang it on the back of the door. You unzip it and it just unfolds. No more hair spray. There’s no more gel. Nobody’s got hair. It’s Propecia. Antidepressants. Stool softener. A therapy rubber band. My buddy had a bad shoulder. He brought his therapy rubber bands. He had to hook them up to the door. And he had to work out his shoulder before we went out. But we talked a lot on our trip. My buddy’s, uh, ex-military. Do we have any, uh, active-active military here? Any military people? Yeah? Where at? Front? U-Up top? Marine? Yeah? All right, give it up. Give it up for the, for the United States military. Love the military. My buddy’s got me into so many military-type shows. I can’t stop watching this stuff. It’s all I do. I go home after my shows. I watch SEALs, Special Ops, Rangers, documentaries. The bin Laden thing fascinated me. I wish I was on the hit. I wish I was there for that. Just on a SEAL’s back. Just like, “Where we go?” “We found him? You got to be kidding me!” Just how they conducted that raid with night goggles… vision… helicopters right over the house… 3:00 a.m., Pakistan. One of the, uh, one of the helicopters fell out of the sky. Guys were still in the air. They looked at it, said, “Fuck it. We’ll still do it. We’re here, right?” They start coming out of the helicop… They surround the house. Bin Laden’s people didn’t know what was going on. They hadn’t had company in 13 years. Now you got United States military all over the property. One guy came out of his bedroom in his underwear, eating some hummus. “What is go…?” They find bin Laden in his bedroom. Three girlfriends, a couple of wives. How does that happen? How… What’s the upside on being married to bin Laden? Where do you meet him? This guy didn’t have a table at a nightclub in Pakistan. Right? Girls, they walk in. “Oh, my… Binny, Binny’s here! “Hi, Binny! Hi…” My buddy… being ex-military, he’s ready for the end of the world, this guy. This guy has got a lot of weapons at the house. Got a compound bow and arrow. Now, if you don’t know anything about a compound bow? The arrow travels at about 300 yards per second. Can take out a giraffe, no problem. He’s got this thing in the house. I go, “John, what the hell you got this in the… in the house for?” He’s like, “You kidding me? It’s for home invasion.” “Home invasion”? Could you imagine the poor bastard that breaks into my buddy’s house? As a burglar, you can’t even prepare for something like that. The burglar thinks nobody’s home. He comes through a kitchen window. My buddy hears him. He gets out his bow and arrow. The burglar’s in the living room. He suspects nothing. He’s stealing valuables. Then out of nowhere… Do you know the mindfuck on this? The burglar has to process… “I got an arrow hanging out of my chest right now.” Did I break into an Apache’s home? Are there Indians here? Is this a casino? You guys are great. Thank you so much for coming out. God bless you. Thank you. Thank you. So nice.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Latin History for Morons: John Leguizamo’s Road to Broadway (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/latin-history-for-morons-john-leguizamo-transcript/

There are people out there trying to rewrite our history. These are a dangerous people. They’ll say anything to be legitimized. Someday, some little Latina with a big mouth is gonna read a few books and convince themselves they contributed to our country. Now pray that those falsehoods don’t seep into the fabric of this fine nation. Because if they do, God help us all. [man] Stand up, ladies and gentlemen. John Leguizamo! [cheering and applause] ♪ Sister ♪ No, no, no, no, settle down. Settle down. No, no, settle down. Settle down. We got a lot of work to do here tonight, and I got very little time to do it ’cause I gotta undo your whole education… and the entire way you think, and it’s not gonna be easy ’cause that shit’s in there deep. The only reason I’m telling you this is because about a year ago, my life was going so goddamn great. I was on tour all summer, and I come home, and, uh… I get to my son’s room, and I hear the bed going… [makes creaking sounds] “Buddy, I’m coming in. I’m opening the door.” [imitates hinges creaking] And there he is, just jumping on the bed, playing some Western video game, going, “Yippee-ay-yay-ki-ay. Shoot those red bastards. Shoot those savages. Pow, pow.” And I’m like, “Whoa, Buddy. You can’t say that, man.” “But why not, Dad?” “‘Cause, honey, we’re those red bastards. We Latin people are mostly Indian, man.” “No, Dad, no. You’re the red bastard and the beaner, not me. That’s why I don’t let you pick me up from school anymore.” So then I find out that my son is being bullied at school by one of his eighth-grade classmates. It starts in the schoolyard when they’re playing cops and robbers, and the little punk says to my son, “You beaners can’t be cops – I oughta know. I come from a long line of captains and generals from the Civil War – so you better start running away so I can shoot you in the back, beaner. Pow, pow.” So, that little shit… had the cojones to call my son a beaner. Now, this wasn’t supposed to happen to us because he goes to a very fancy private school, and I’ve worked hard to be respectable. [chuckling] Fuck you. [raucous laughter] So, yo, how is it that my son is going through the same racial rite of passages I did? So I go to my wife for advice, and my wife is Jewish, so she’s very intolerant of intolerance. So she makes me go talk to the little shit’s dad, so now I have to accidentally on purpose bump into him at drop-off. “Excuse me, Mr. Jackson. I didn’t see you standing there. Hey, look, while I have you, um… your kid called my son a name. If he’s gonna call my son names, he should at least call him by his proper slur ’cause beaners are for Mexicans. My son’s actually a spic-greaseball-hebe-kike, okay?” The little shit’s dad turns to me, “John, I’m terribly sorry. I had no idea my boy had called your son a beaner. But, hey, at least he didn’t call him a wetback, right, John? [chuckles] What, John? What? I’m not a racist, John. John, my family donates to the diversity program every year, John. I come from a long, long line of philanthropreneurs.” “Oh, yeah? I come from a long line, too. A long line of people who, um– You know, yo, diversity? Yo, how you sound, man? You know me, huh? You know me? Huh?” [applause] Oh, fuck, man. Fuck, man, I lost my shit. I didn’t even have a good goddamn comeback. And, yo, I’m from the fucking ‘hood, baby. But not my son, no. My son is one of those super-super-sweet shy kids with an IQ seven points short of genius. He’s the first one they ask for homework and the last one they ask to the dance. And that’s why I felt extra-guilty I didn’t have a comeback to defend my son. But how could I, man? I didn’t have heros like captains or generals, growing up, from the Civil War. No Latin ones, anyway. And where should I have learned that shit? Holla, New York City public-school system. So, yo, in order to help my son… I realized that I was gonna have to get to the root of my problem – feeling like a second-class citizen, so… I started flashing back through my life, to my child– back in time. ♪ Tear the roof off ♪ ♪ We’re gonna tear the roof off the mother, sucker ♪ ♪ Tear the roof off the sucker ♪ And boom – I hit the ’70s. There I am coming home from school early one day, and there’s my mom masturbating in the tub. Oh, God! Too far back! Please play forward! [dance music plays] And boom – I hit the ’80s. Whoo! So much better. You don’t even know. There I am in my junior high school – IS 145. [bell rings] And, yo, we were 55 feral latchkey kids per class. It was like Lord of the Flies, but with a lot less adult supervision. And my history teacher, Mr. Flynn… was a mean, sadistic son of a bitch. And he had a rear-view mirror on the blackboard. [laughter] And, yo, he needed that shit. ‘Cause when he was writing with his back to us, he’d be like, “All right, Legizmo. All right, I see you standing there. Sit down before I staple your ass to the chair. What’d you have for breakfast, your Colombian mom’s illegal powdered cereal?” “All right, shut up, class. Open up your history textbooks to a chapter you will become familiar with in life – chapter 11. All right, shut up, class. Now, class, what did the Greeks contribute to the world besides feta cheese?” And, yo, my boy Crazy Legs was like, “Yo, they invented anal.” “No, Mr. Hernandez. That was your mother.” “Now sit down and shut up.” And, yo, the whole class was like, “You, man,” but not me. I was like, “Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, ooh. Oh. Ooh.” “All right, Legizmo, before you crap your pants.” “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, Mr. Flynn. Mr. Flynn, what I really, really wanted to “ax” you, just wanna “ax” you why you always talk-ed about everybody else’s contributions to America but my peoples? ‘Cause, yo, my Uncle Sanny says that this whole thing about us being discovered-ed by this n i g g a Columbo…” “It’s, like, bullshit, yo. ‘Cause we was conquested-ed, man. ‘Cause, yo, that’s like me discovering your wallet in your back pocket and now it’s mine, right? Right?” [impish laugh] “Mr. Legizmo, you wanna know what these people have contributed to this country? Drugs and violence. Now sit your ignorant ass down.” “Yo, Mr. Flynn, why you gotta do me like that? You know me, huh? You know me? Huh? You know me?” I wasn’t very good at comebacks back then. I don’t know about y’all… but I always felt my whole life, my history was being kept from me. History textbooks, movies, television, everywhere. Just like my mom was always keeping my father’s history from us ever since he abandoned our asses. My mother was always like, “Mijo, I never wanted to bad-mouth your father. No, because it would ruin the moment when you figure it out all by yourself.” So, all I knew about my history was what my Puerto Rican Uncle Sanny, who was deaf, would teach me, ’cause he was our expert on everything ’cause he was always watching PBS, way too fucking loud… and he’d always be like, “Mijo, don’t say that, pendejo.” “You have to know about yourself because, bebito, we had pyramids and calendars.” “And my great-great grandmother…” “was a Indian princess.” [imitates Indian war cry] “But, Uncle Sanny, my teacher don’t give a carajo!” “Jesus… mijo.” “Get… your shit together.” “Because Latin man…” “has to work twice as hard… to get half as far.” Now, it wasn’t… it wasn’t exactly a wealth of information. It was enough to get me in trouble at school, that’s for sure. Luckily for me, my uncle did teach me about our Latin time line, which I wanna share with you, and that is Mayans at 1000 B.C., and then we have now. What is it, the age of Pitbull, right? [singing, indistinct] ♪ Get it, don’t stop… ♪ [gibberish] But, yo, what happened in the 3,000 years between our great indigenous civilizations and us? How did we become so goddamn nonexistent? Because if you don’t see yourself represented outside of yourself, you just feel fucking invisible. So, yo, I had good reason to panic because as the great 20th-century Spanish philosopher Santana once said – oh, no, not Carlos – George – who said, “Those who cannot remember their past are doomed to repeat it.” Cono. [laughter] So, yo, ever since my son got bulli– Yo, yo, yo, I put a fatwa on that bully, and I went on a intellectual jihad. So now I’m a self-professed ghetto scholar, holla. Coo-coo. So, people, tonight’s lesson is… Latin History For Fucking Morons. And that’s you. I’m sorry, but it’s true, okay? Tonight, I’m only gonna be talking about our founding forefathers and our empires, the kind of shit that they keep out of our history textbooks. So pay attention ’cause you’re gonna be quizzed. A’ight? A’ight. So let’s start by looking at Latin DNA. Now, I’ve done a lot of research to find out that we Latin people are all at least 40% Indian. And by Indian, I mean… [Native American Indian chant] [Indian accent] Not, “Please to be taking down your pants…” “so I can be examining your rectum.” We are also 25% black. That’s right, baby. After the conquistadors enslaved all the Indians, and they died off, they imported black people to fill in they vacancies. So we are definitely blackified. Shit, I bet you are, too. I bet you I could prove it. Come on. ♪ I said a-clap your hands now ♪ ♪ I said a-stomp your feet ♪ ♪ I said a-clap your hands now ♪ ♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪ ♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪ ♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪ ♪ I said a-ooh-ah– ♪ Okay, maybe not so much. We’re also 25% white, 25% Jewish, 25% Lebanese and 40% I don’t know what the fuck. For a grand total of 180%. And that is us Latino people. And trust me, I know it’s confusing, I know it’s confusing… because we Latin people are a bastardly people, and the reason we’re such bastards is because those white European conquistadors came here in the 1500s without women. And these horny son of a bitches were sexing up all our fine native honies, and these conquistador would be like, “Gonzalo, psst. Gonzalo.” “I never thought I was going to say this, but can you fuck too much?” “‘Cause I think I’m sick of fucking. I don’t think I ever wanna fuck again. I’ve reached the fucking end.” These conquistadors were like NBA players at a Kardashian pool party. So that’s how we Latin people became their bastard offspring. Now I’m-a be Bob Ross. Remember that cool white guy with the ‘fro? Eighth grade on cable TV? I love me that dude. “Let the lines breathe, let the lines do what they’re gonna do here. The Great Lakes arrived. There’s about five of them. I didn’t do the research. New York City’s like a little baby penis here and there. Florida’s like a rotten colon. And then Texas is like a dried-up udder.” “But California’s like a smelly rear end. But Mexico’s like a sexy lady with a big ass. So big. I like that. I could draw that ass all day.” “And then South America – well, it never fits. Nobody really cares.” And now for the rest of the so-called shithole countries. We have Cuba. -[cheering] -[man] Yeah. República Dominicana. And Haiti. Puerto Rico. [raucous cheer] Wepa. Then all these little islands here like little mojoncitos. And, yo, way back when, we were three million Taínos in the Caribbean… 33 million Incas in South America, 30 million Aztecs in Mexico, and seven million Apache, Comanche, and Navajo in the West for a grand total of… 73 million people. Until… the great… extermination. And then, yo, 95% of us vanished off the face of the fucking Earth. How many’s that left? Sir, you look very intelligent. What is it? No, you weren’t gonna say five percent. Anybody can say five– That’s one demerit. Let’s not get to three. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to get out. Ushers, ojo. Ojo. Ojo. That’s 3.65 million Indians left. And, yo, this genocide really fucked me up, man. “Why, John?” you ask. You ask. [audience] Why, John? Thank you for asking. ‘Cause, yo, I’ve always had these… anger issues, man. But now I know why. Because of some unconscious conquest resentment I’ve been carrying all my life. But, yo, my resentment was not totally unjustified, because our ancestral wealth, our inheritance, our gold was stolen from us. And, yo, we had tons and tons of beautiful, sophisticated, museum-type treasures until they came here– Okay, time-out. Historic footnote time, people. Why is all our art called “folk art” and then all of European art is called “fine art,” and then modern art is just our folk art gentrified? You, sir. You trying to be sneaky by yessing me? He’s a “yes”man. That’s two demerits. You better shape up. Otherwise… I don’t have to stay late and tutor your ass. Now, for the rest of y’all, ’cause I like y’all… when these conquistadors – [speaks Spanish] came here, they melted all our golden masterpieces into coins. Yo, that’s like going into the museum in Florence and seeing the statue of David and going, “Larry, look at that statue. It would make a lovely marble kitchen counter.” Because this King Philip of Spain stole 500,000 tons of gold from us, and twice as much silver, by dismissing us as pagan savages. Yeah, I got your savage right here, buddy. And this King Philip of Spain… [laughter] No, this King Philip of– No, I’m– This K– People, I’m up here. Up here. So, yo… This King Philip of Spain was always shitting on us, man. Always trying to prove we weren’t human and didn’t have souls so they could keep robbing us through the centuries. And he was always… [speaks Spanish] “You bring me 500 of these savages, and I’m going to put them in my royal zoo, and you will see that they’re soulless animals. Who would have thought that colonization could be so much fun?” ♪ Oh, robbing, raping, pillaging, robbing, raping, raping ♪ ♪ Pillaging, robbing, robbing, rape ♪ ♪ Raping, raping, rape ♪ Put us in cages. Thank God that’s not happening to us anymore, huh? Hey, yo, I-I-I… This was the biggest theft in all of history. I want my reparations, motherfuckers. Because our gold not only funded the Spanish Empire, but also the British, French and Ottoman Empires of the 1600s. And just as I’m getting so turned on by all of my research… of course, that’s when my wife comes in all fakakta… That’s Yiddish for “boner-killer.” “John, I just got off the phone with Buddy’s history teacher. Look… he’s falling behind. Can you talk to him? I’m already overloaded helping Boo.” “Why can’t I help Boo with her homework?” “Okay, John, you can help her with her trigonometry.” “Okay, I’ll help Buddy.” “Thank you, John, and can you please get on it? Can you please not mess this up?” “Don’t worry, honey. I’m fucking things up as fast as I can, okay?” “I’m kidding. No, you do you. I’m cool. I got it. I got it. Go, go.” So I wait for my wife to leave, and then I coach my son on my year-long project – getting even with that goddamn bully. “Buddy, honey, come on. We’re gonna practice. We’re gonna pretend I’m the bully, and I step up to you. No, you don’t gotta be afraid. We’re just pretending. And I say to you, ‘I come from a long line of Civil War…’ blah, blah, blah, whatever. You say to him, ‘It doesn’t matter because we were here first, we jump-started America even before Columbus, that genocidal, pedophilic rapist.'” “Buddy, it’s gonna shut the hell outta that bully, okay? All right? So we good? We good?” “No, Dad. We didn’t even go over my history homework, Dad.” “All right, honey, my bad. So what’s the assignment?” “Dad, I gotta do my project on heroes that I look up to.” “Dude, do it on some Latin heroes. Come on, man. Come on, it’s a great idea.” “We’ll talk about it later , but you got your marching orders, right? All right, so go play like a normal kid. No, man. You got this. Go play, go, go.” And I thought my son was gonna crush it in class, but he goes to present on Columbus Day in front of his class, and he’s all like, “Um… I know we’ve got lots of Latin heroes. I’m just working on getting their names and dates right now, but I do know for certain that Columbus was a genocidal, pedophilic rapist.” So of course the bully corners my son in the boys’ bathroom. He’s like, “Shut up. Your project sucks. Go back to your country, asswipe.” “Ow. Why don’t you go back? ‘Cause we were here first, stupid.” “Oh, yeah? Prove it, dickface.” “Ow. I will. I just got nothing on the facts right now.” “Damn straight you ain’t got nothing ’cause you’re the kings of nothing. Come here, King of Nothing, ’cause I’m gonna crown your ass. Come here. What, are you gonna run? Run home and kill yourself, little bitch.” So my poor little, broken man comes home, and he’s all like… “Dad, you just make up all this shit, Dad.” “I’m never gonna believe you again.” And he runs into his room. So… I put on my best dad hat. I go to him and I says, “Buddy, honey, I’m sorry but life is gonna fuck you sometimes. it just is. And you’re gonna have to, I don’t know, just keep changing positions until it feels good somehow.” That didn’t come out the way I meant it to come out. -No. What I’m trying to say to you– -[door slams] Buddy, honey. Honey, what I’m trying to say to you is I made sure you grew up better than me so you wouldn’t have to experience this. But in the streets, you can’t let nobody punk you, man, so you got my permission to sucker punch that bully’s ass. -My son opens the door and he’s like… -[imitates hinges creaking] “But, Dad, Gandhi said…” “Gandhi said that if we all took an eye for eye that the whole world would just be blind, Dad.” “Oh, but, Buddy, honey, Gandhi couldn’t think straight ’cause he was always hungry.” -[door slams] -You see– My son. My son doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know how the real world works. But I do. Hell, yeah. And as my father once said, and I wrote it down because… he never said anything else to me again. I was afraid I’d forget. Here, let me… “Every man has to measure himself in life. And how do you measure a man’s… value? By when he’s tested in battle.” So, yo… I was gonna go to war on my son’s behalf and get him real facts on real Latin war heroes. So behind his back, I get a copy of his eighth-grade history textbook. I’m looking for Latin heroes, and I’m looking for Latin contributions, and I’m looking from cover to cover, and there is nothing. Nada. Culo. Dick. I mean, it’s unbelievable, man. Not one fucking sentence, not one fucking chapter, not a goddamn mention. As if we’ve been absent all these fucking centuries. And, yo, I gotta fess up. That shit started to get me down. That is… until I get turned on to Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States. Which should be required reading for every kid in America because, yo, this book opened up the world to me, man. Because even in the first chapter, he proves that our contributions were even bigger than what I thought. Because we also gave you tomatoes, potatoes, chocolate – try living without that shit, man – hammocks, canoes, chili peppers, tobacco, anesthesia, brain surgery, and people from Jersey and Long Island? Fucking hockey. And it’s not like the Europeans didn’t give us anything, no, ’cause they gave us typhus, cholera, malaria, measles, tuberculosis, black plague, the common cold, diphtheria, chicken pox, whooping cough, leprosy, and don’t forget rats, roaches, and pigeons. Then after all the fucked-up shit they do to us, we gift you with some of the sexiest dances the world has ever seen. Tango. [music playing] Cumbia. iWepa! [music playing] iWepa! iWepa! Whoo. ♪ I like it like that ♪ -Cha-cha-cha. ♪ I said I like it like that ♪ ♪ Do it to me, give it to me ♪ ♪ I like it like ♪ Mambo. Huh. Huh. [mambo music playing] Samba. [whistle blows] [samba music playing] Huh. [applause and cheering] So where was I? No. Mr. Obvious, I know I was dancing. So, long before… Columb-ass… yo, we were happy-go-lucky tribes living in what was called a thousand-year peace. And I know why those Taínos were so peaceful in the Caribbean, too, ’cause they’d be like… ♪ Ding-a-ling a-ling, hear them ring ♪ ♪ Booyaka, booyaka ♪ ♪ Booyaka, booyaka ♪ [Jamaican accent] “Hey, blood clot.” Batty-boo tell me something I don’t know? “Hey, man. Hey, man, you ever wonder…” “You ever wonder…” “what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t…” “Yeah, man.” [normal voice] Now, the Taínos were the gentlest people that the universe has ever seen because they would also fight their wars with wooden swords so as to not kill their enemy. Aw… Come on, that’s so fucking cute. Time-out. Historic footnote time. Let’s clarify some big-ass misconceptions about Columbus, okay? One – he never set foot in America. Just here. Two – he was sent by the Spanish, but he was actually I-talian. And three – when he first encounters the Taínos, he says to them in his own inimitable words, “Hey, you big brown mook, come here. [speaks Italian] Yeah, you, come here. You bring us tobacco, cotton, and gold, we’re gonna give you, oh, we’re gonna give you– Hey, excuse me. Guido, what are we gonna give these mulyans? We’re gonna give you these broken mirrors, and then we’re gonna rape you. We got grapes for you. Forget about it. Who said that? Hey, forget about it. Hey. Hey, forget about it.” Columbus was the Donald Trump of the New World, y’all. [cheering and applause] Even a old G like Mike Tyson would’ve been like, “Say what you wanna say about me, but that motherfucker’s crazy.” Because Columbus basically did a home invasion, man. And on top of that, on top of that, he gave them syph-i-lis. I gotta write that shit down. “Sifilis.” Of course I don’t know how to spell it. Only people who have had it know how to spell it. All right, extra-credit time. Extra credit for anybody here who can tell me how the Europeans got syphilis. [man bleats like a sheep] I’m not gonna ask you how you knew that, sir. I don’t really wanna know, but he’s right – from fucking sheep. Not “fucking” sheep. From fucking sheep. I mean, I like lamb, too, but I know where to draw the line. But not these Europeans. They’d be like, “Oh, Fluffy.” [Norwegian accent] “Your eyes are so pretty. You’re so fluffy.” “Can I call you Fluffy? Oh, I loves you. I loves you. Say my name, say my name.” Baa-aa-aa. Baa-aa-aa-aa-aa. All right, let’s recap. So Columbus brings syphilis to the New World by raping nine-year-old Taíno girls, and then enslaves all the Taínos until he exterminates them. And that, my lovely morons, is called the Caribbean Holocaust. And that is the end of the Taínos and their time on Earth. Then what do we do? What do we do? We give Columbus a day to celebrate him for fucking people over. What were we thinking? “Yeah, let’s celebrate anybody who fucks people over. Next week, why don’t we have a holiday for my ex-wife’s divorce lawyer?” And I couldn’t stop, man. I couldn’t stop obsessing about these gentle Taínos. I kept thinking they’d be so perfect for my son’s history project, and for my son, ’cause my son was this gentle little creature. And so I present it to him, right? And he’s all like, “Dad, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dad, but there’s this girl I really like, and she already thinks I’m a wuss ’cause I keep getting bullied all the time, so I can’t really do my project on wusses right now.” “Why don’t you impress her with some of the other facts I gave you?” “Oh, yeah, Dad, that’s a great idea. I’ll just tell her I come from sheep-fuckers who had syphilis.” “Thanks, Dad, but that’s why I don’t talk to you about this shit, Dad.” “Oh, come on, Buddy. Man, come on. That’s not fair, man. You know you can talk to me about anything, my little man. You know what? I wanna prove it to you. I’m gonna show you. I’ll show you that you could be a hero to your little girly friend, okay, my man? Because I’ve got a foolproof… hero test. Because in my book, you just need three things to be a hero, okay? One – don’t be a dick. Because heroes don’t discriminate. They sacrifice their lives to help everyone irregardless, okay? And two… don’t be an a-hole. ‘Cause heroes act up when they’re called upon to stand up for something or to take a knee against something. [cheering and applause] And three – don’t be a pussy. Because heroes never back down. It looks something like this. I’m a married man, so it’s been a while. I know it’s got that little thingy right there…” “Buddy, honey, are you paying attention? Are you pay– Honey, this…” “goes in here.” “And sometimes on your birthday, in here.” “All right? This is our sex talk, okay? But don’t tell your mom. Don’t tell her.” Buddy. So let’s put all our guys through our hero filter. Let’s forget about the Taínos for now because they were too gentle, but what about using… the mighty Aztec warriors? Oh, come on, man, they were so badass, with those things through their noses, and they invented basketball and shit.” “But, Dad, as a virgin I can’t really support them cause they woulda sacrificed me, too.” “What? Where the hell did you learn that? In school?” “No, Dad, no, I watched Apocalypto the movie.” Oh, great. My son is learning our history from Mel Gibson. Holy fuck, how demented is that shit? So, yo, I had to double down and get it right for my son and, luckily for me, I find my ammunition in this mad, explicit book by this Spanish friar, Sahagún, who was writing at the time of the Aztecs and spoke the actual… [speaks gibberish sounding language names] All right, let me break it down for you. So, Sahagún says that in 1520, Spain sends Cortés to colonize Mexico. Now, back then, Mexico was called the Aztec Empire. And their capital city, Tenochtitlan, was right here. Oh, grow up. Now… when the conquistadors first saw this city, they said it looked like a dream. because it was so beautiful and pristine and white, and it had 45 public buildings, temples, marketplaces, aqueducts. The city was surrounded by a giant lake, so they were safe. So how the fuck did we lose? How could we fucking lose, man? Well, the going Eurocentric narrative, even in a progressive book like Guns, Germs, and Steel is that we natives lost because we were somehow inferior. Because the Europeans allegedly had superior weapons, genes, intellect, agriculture, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bullshit, because Eduardo Galeano in Open Veins, which should be every Latin parent’s bible, by the way, proves that the only thing superior that the Europeans really had were their germs. Because if the European colonizer attacked before his germs took hold, he always lost. That’s why Cortés didn’t beat the Aztecs the first time he attacked. No, he had to wait a whole fucking year till two thirds of the Aztec population died from European smallpox. The other factor that undid the Aztecs was their infamous King Moctezuma, who was polling very low… so he colludes with Putin – I mean, Cortés – to set him up as the ancient Aztec god Quetzalcoatl. I’m not gonna even try to spell that. ‘Cause if Moctezuma could prove that Cortés was a god, the Aztec people were sure he was there to make the Aztecs great again. I’m glad you’re getting my meaning. But Moctezuma got played by Cortés, so we have a word in Spanish for Moctezuma. Un pendejo. So, Moctezuma goes up to Cortés and says, goes up to Cortés and says, [feminine voice] “Your Lord, you have finally come to your city, Mexico. Here, sit on thy throne, oh, Quetzalcoatl.” Cortés was like, “What did you call me? Quetza what? Quetza qué?” “Well, surely you jest. You’re our god of earth and water. Right, Quetzalcoatl?” “Play along, stupid. Everybody’s watching.” “Oh, yeah, for sure. My friends all call me Cortés for short.” “Okay, Cortés for short.” [giggles] Cortés seizes Moctezuma. “Shut up, you. We’re taking you prisoner unless you get your people to open up the city gates. I might let you live.” [sinister snicker] “Okay, you leave me no choice ’cause you’re so butch.” [applause] “So we’re gonna have to distract the masses with a sacrifice.” “Oh, shit, I know. Drop the beat.” ♪ Run inside, Cortés, you stupid cunt ♪ ♪ Ignore the ugly white people walking to the city gates ♪ ♪ One, two, I’m a captive bitch in my own home ♪ ♪ It makes no sense, I gave him gifts, I let him in ♪ ♪ I got my ass, I’m saving me as is ♪ ♪ Cortés wants my throne, I won’t let him, no, no ♪ ♪ Let my people down, that’s for sure ♪ ♪ Sacrifice, let’s give him a show ♪ ♪ I’m-a get me outta this ♪ ♪ I’m Moctezuma, bitch ♪ ♪You ain’t gonna take my throne, now watch me ♪ ♪Take me down to the floor like this, this, this, this, this ♪ [cheering and applause] I’m too old for this shit. I could’ve tore something. Whoo. As soon as Cortés got in the city gates, the Aztecs were fucked and are reminded what the great, late Stephen Hawking, the British cosmologist, once said – [imitating Hawking] “Life would be tragic… if it weren’t so funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.” Because Moctezuma’s death is tragically comical. Because Cortés spears him in the dick, kills the man while he’s asleep – aah – and then runs off. But, yo, when the Aztec people found out that their puppet king had sold them out, yo, they went apeshit. [speaks Spanish] “Only we can kill our king. Azteca!” [cheering] So the Aztecs actually thought that their dope-ass dance was gonna scare away the conquistadors, but, sadly, it did not, because the conquistadors answered back with their cannons. Nothing funny about these motherfuckers. [indistinct chatter] [imitates lighting fuse, firing cannon] And the poor Aztecs, who had never seen or heard a cannon before, were like, “Holy shit, homes. Holy shit. Was that thunder? God, I hope it rains so nobody sees that I peed myself.” [imitates cannon firing] “Oh, fuck! I shat myself!” “It must be the end of the world! It must be… 2012. Run for your lives, chingones. We’re gonna die!” [imitates cannon firing] And a few remaining Aztecs came out feverish for one last battle. “Chipotle, Cholula, Flan…” [speaks Spanish] And the conquistadors were like, “Oh! Joder. Gabriel, García, Márquez…” [speaks Spanish] And the conquistadors retaliate in a circle-jerk of muskets. And the last of the Aztecs… were all gone. -“No. Mom.” -[imitates musket firing] “My son.” And now bloody and beaten on the Aztec killing fields the Aztecs still lost by a slim-fucking-margin, man. As they say in Palestine… [gibberish] How can a god who is just let people do this to each other? And that, my friends, is the end of the mighty, mighty Aztec Empire. And I know they lost. And I know it was the most successful destruction of a people’s language, culture, and religion in history, but, yo, they fought and died so that we might live. And I thought what a great lesson to pass on to my son, right? To fight until the bitter end, right? So… I go to his room to pass this on… but my son is all like, “Moctezuma, Dad? That’s your best hero, Dad? Dad, he doesn’t even pass our hero test, ’cause rule number two, he was an a-hole, Dad, ’cause he sold out his people just to save his own ass.” “Oh, but, Buddy, honey, you’re missing the big takeaway here, man. ‘Cause the Aztecs were fighting against the most lethal use of germ warfare in history, man. Just imagine if everyone you knew and loved around you was dying.” “Okay, Dad. Okay, you know what, Dad? I’m gonna do my homework by myself now.” “Dad, that means alone. That means you gotta go.” -Where am I gonna go? This is my house.” -[door slams] I… gotta be straight up with you people. I gotta be straight up. I did not know how to father this boy. And I knew I needed help, so I went into therapy. Yeah, I’m in therapy. I don’t look like I need it ’cause I seem very confident and well-adjusted… like somebody you wanna be trapped in an elevator with, but, no. I need lots of help, man, because before I confront others, I gotta learn how to confront myself. And my therapist,  Dr. T., who sounds a lot like Tim Gunn on Project Runway… “I know, Doc, I know. I’m relapsing. I know ’cause…” but is now starting to hold you back.” “John, stop. You keep using your humor to avoid your core issues. It’s an outmoded survival skill that helped you get out of the ghetto but is now starting to hold you back.” “I know, Doc, I know. I’m relapsing. I know ’cause… I’m failing my son. What good am I, man? I’m all obsessed with war and heroes and I can’t seem to find my son a Latin hero.” “Well, John, the question is, who’s your Latin hero, huh? How do you expect to have a hero for your son if you don’t have one for yourself?” [stammers] “Might I make a suggestion?” “What about your father?” “My father, Doc, my father, oh, shit, my father. Let me put it this way, man, When the bullies used to step up to me and go, ‘Yo, John, yo. I bet you my pops could beat up your pops,’ I’d be like, ‘Oh, yeah? When?'” “Terrific. Don’t run away from this. Go further, John. Tell your father. Talk to your father, the man who withheld his love from you, yet instilled you with the creative, yet pathetic need, to seek the approval of strangers.” “All right, Doc. All right. Dad, I forgive you. I forgive you for my fucked-up childhood, but… you can’t forgive me for talking about it in a place? Fuck you. I hate you, man. No, Doc. No, man. This corny shit’s not working.” “No, John. Break through, John, break through.” “John, we reached a critical juncture in your repressed ghetto rage.” “If we don’t tackle it this very minute, you might never be able to function– Look at the time.” “That’s all the time we have for today. Same time next week?” -[imitates intercom buzzer] -“Mr. Weinstein, I’m ready for you.” [laughter and groans] So, I leave my therapist’s office with an untreated chronic case of ghetto rage. And– Time-out. Urban Dictionary time. Anybody here who doesn’t know what ghetto rage is? Well, it’s when the whole world keeps telling you that you’re worthless, and you fight these microaggressions daily, but when you start to lose that battle, you start drowning in this… in this self-loathing, burning rage, but… but as a Latin man, as a Latin man, you can’t get angry, ’cause Homeland Security, the fucking INS or the police could decide you’re a threat, and the next person to be shot or deported could be you or me. ‘Cause Latin life is cheap in America. [applause] I didn’t know how to deal with that. I did not know how to deal, so I ran away, I ran away, and my drug of choice – books. And I find more ammunition, more ammunition in this incredible book by the genius Charles Mann, who wrote this beautiful , beautiful love letter to us called 1491… wherein he says that in 1531, 11 years after the Aztec conquest, Cortés hooks up his cousin, Pizarro, and gets him a ship to lead an expedition against the biggest empire on Earth – the Inca. Now, the Inca were three times bigger than any empire of the time, man. Bigger than the Ming dynasty, bigger than Tsarist Russia. So advanced that they pioneered the concept of socialism before Karl Marx. And they had a binary code that predated computers. How about that shit? Now, can anybody here tell me what five countries in South America made up the Incan Empire for extra credit? Come on. Let’s start from the top. Let’s start from the top. Colombia, Ecuador. Sir, if I’m going too fast for you, I’ll slow down. Peru. Bolivia. And Chi… le. All right, let me contextualize you. So douchebag Pizarro had three things in his favor, man. One – Cortés’ playbook outlining how to get Indian allies. Two – his cousin’s germ warfare had made it all the way from the Aztecs to the Incas and killed half the population because the Europeans had declassified their diseases as pre-existing conditions. And thirdly, and most importantly, the narcissism… of small… differences. And my man Freud had explained that phenomena beautifully, and he says, [German accent] “Ja, people are naturally jealous even of their brother-r-r-r-r or their-r-r-r-r best friend because people have to feel superior-r-r-r-r, und will look for the smallest minutiae of differ-r-r-r-rence to feel better-r-r-r-r than you, the goddamn sons of bitches.” Yo, Freud knew his shit, huh, man? Oh, hell, yeah, because even if we were all the same people, we would find some stupid little fucked-up reason to hate on each other, man. And that’s what happened here, man. That’s what happened here, because the most hated enemy tribe of the Inca were the Chanka. Not to be confused with la chancla. ‘Cause that’s every Latin kid’s worst enemy. I’m sorry, chancla is Spanish for flip-flop. Our moms beat us with it when we were little. [speaks Spanish] So the flip-flops… the most hated enemy tribe of the Inca, link up with Pizarro, and Pizarro says to them, “Follow me. Let’s hide behind the blackboard. “All right, friar, you go convert those savage Inca. And if that fails, we’re gonna go to plan B.” And the friar Valverde was like, “Plan B. Plan B. What is plan B?” “Spear them in the dick, of course.” “Shh. Hide, everybody.” So the friar comes out to the town square surrounded by 80,000 Incas. [audience catcalls] All jungle-ripped in leather Speedos. Sexy as fuck. And the friar goes up to Atahualpa, the king of the Incas, and he goes, “Atahualpa, king of the Inca, please, please take this Bible and convert, because the Catholic religion is all-forgiving, soul-saving, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Our priests love children. Spend a lot of time with them.” And Atahualpa, the king of the Incas, throws the Bible down. Psst. “Who is this motherfucker?” “Okay, never mind, never mind. Plan B. Plan B. Spear him in the dick right about now would be as good a time as any.” -And Pizarro comes out of hiding. -[imitates horn call] “Atacan!” And with his huge legion of Indian allies… they ambush the Inca. So Atahualpa, the king of the Incas, tries to make a getaway on a litter. A litter’s some ancient king-carrying fucking thing. He’s, “Run, motherfuckers, run.” “If you don’t drop me, I’ll get you all the pussy you want in the afterlife.” And his attendants were like, “We got you.” “I just need a few more hours to get in the union so I can get my medical.” -But Pizarro cuts them off. -[imitates horse neigh] “Savage, your end is near. Now put down your king or I’ll slice your arms off.” “You kiss my brown ass. I ain’t putting nobody down. Oh, jeez, he got me! Don’t drop the king. Don’t drop the king. Come at me, Pizarro. I don’t need my arm. I’ll kick the fuck outta you. I’ll kick the fuck outta you.” “Savage, I’m warning you. Put down the king, or I’ll slice your legs off.” “Hells to the no, bitch. What you gonna do? Shit, what you gonna– Oh, shit, he got me! Oh, fuck! Don’t drop the king. Don’t drop– Come at me, Pizarro. I’ll bite the shit outta you. Come here.” “All right, savage. Last chance. Put down your king, or I’ll slice your head off.” “What part of ‘fuck, no’ do you seem not to understand? Oh, shit, he got me! Don’t drop the king. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.” Yo, those Incas had your back, bruh bruh. They would not drop their man, even if their life depended on it. That’s fucking loyalty, yo. Why do you think Monty Python stole that bit from them? And that’s how the Spaniards won. This one really broke my heart, because here was our history, here was the foundation of a brown race, of a Latin people, with their own James Joyces and Dostoevskys and Prousts, who lived deep in the Latin past where we authored mythology, pioneered in math and astronomy, excelled in sport, built aqueducts and pyramids that put us on the same level as all other great civilizations. But now… now just completely obliterated. So I didn’t know how to deal with that. I didn’t know how I was gonna face my son with that one. And, uh… then I get a text from my wife. “John, meet me at the headmaster’s office.” “Oh, shit.” So, I get to the headmaster – that’s principal to y’all – and he’s all like, “John, I just received an anonymous video of your son punching another student in the face.” “I’m sorry, but that can’t be right because you know what? My son’s actually the one being bullied.” “Well, John, the video suggests otherwise. I don’t know what’s going on at home, but your son’s grades have taken a terrible nosedive, as of late. And he might not pass this semester. But don’t worry about it right now, John. We’re gonna revisit this after his probation.” “Probation? What are you talking about? You’re putting my son on probation? Come on, man. My son was obviously set up. What are we talking about here? Is this because the bully’s family paid for the library? Is that what we’re really talking about? Why you gotta do me like that? You know me, huh? You know me? Huh? You know me? Hey, hey, hey, get off me, man. Get off me.” So I’m escorted out of the headmaster’s office… and on the walk of shame home with my wife and my son, I’m all like, “Honey, I’m sorry. Come on, I lost my head. Come on, I said I was sorry, didn’t I? Buddy, honey, what the hell really happened, man?” “Dad, the bully kept yelling and yelling, ‘That’s why nobody likes you. Nobody likes you ’cause your dad’s a celebritard.’ So I punched him, Dad. I punched him, and that’s when they filmed me, Dad.” “Oh, come on, Buddy. Come on, man. You know better than that. Honey, I didn’t tell him to do that.” “But, Dad, I sucker-punched him just like you told me.” “And what, now I don’t pass your hero test?” “Well, screw you and your stupid test!” And my wife’s all like… “Oh, I hope you’re happy, John.” “I hope you’re happy.” “Encouraging this violent type of behavior in my home.” “What’s wrong with you?” “And, Buddy, honey, you don’t owe anyone any explanations for your flaws, okay? Because nobody’s born perfect. So you tell that bully that if he’s gonna pick on you again, he better damn well be perfect. Otherwise, just let you be.” “Okay?” “Let’s go get you dinner. John, we’ll see you at home.” “What are you talking about? I wanna come, too.” “No, Dad, no. You only make things worse, Dad.” So I was back in therapy… “John, let’s go a little deeper into your subconscious. We’re gonna go– We’re gonna do a little word-association exercise. I’m gonna say a word or phrase, you say the first thing that comes into your mind.” “Titties.” [laughter] “Uh, no, John. No, uh, we hadn’t started yet, John.” “How about proper nouns? Let’s try proper nouns. Here we go again. Uh, success.” “Oh, oh, oh, um, Mark Zuckerberg.” “Genius.” “That’s a hard one, man. That’s a tough fucking– um, Steve Jobs?” -“Legend.” -“Uh, Billy Joel.” “But, John, what about Marc Anthony?” [unenthused] “Yeah. Yeah.” “John, what about solo performers?” “Dude, it’s gotta be Spalding Gray. He’s the godfather.” “But, John, do you see the pattern here, John?” “Shit, Doc, you’re right. You’re right. I’m brainwashed. No, worse. I’m whitewashed. I can’t believe they got me, man.” “I can’t believe they got me in my own mind, in my deepest places. They got me believing white people are better than me. Fuck. Where the fuck did that shit come from?” “John, other than history textbooks, movies, television, and newspapers, I really don’t know.” “But, John, as a client of mine, who shall remain nameless, because, well, he’s a political figure…” “All right, let’s say he ran for mayor, and a dick pic was his undoing.” “Well, he tells me that there’s this conference in Texas on diversity. Maybe you go give the Latino point of view and reaffirm your Latino centralness.” “Thank you, Doc. But didn’t you just violate some doctor-patient confidentiality, man? What do you say behind my back?” “John, look at the time. That’s all the time we have for today.” “Same time next week? Oh, no, John. I had an emergency next week, and I had to give your spot the following week to Anthony Weiner.” So… I leave my therapist’s office, and I sign up for this conference in Texas. And I had a bad feeling about it. Mostly because it was in Texas. And the date comes, and I fly myself all the way to Dallas, and there I am, trying to stay away from the alcohol in the green room. Thank you, I’ll have another. Mm. ‘Cause I never drink, man. I don’t drink, no, ’cause I’m always afraid that all the ghetto shit inside of me is gonna come pouring out of me one of these days. You know what I’m talking about. Thank you. I’ll have a double. But I was nervous as fuck, and they call us… out on the stage, and this moderator, this Texan guy, just rips right into me. He’s like, “Ah, Mr. Liquidzamo.” “I’m intrigued by this niche history of Latin America you’re telling us about, but you’re an outsider and a foreigner, and your comments are a direct attack on American exceptionalism, so I-I’m-I’m gonna have to agree with Senator Thom Tillis of North Carolina when he says that Hispanics and blacks are not traditional Americans.” And boom. The alcohol hits me. [cheering and applause] “Niche history, motherfucker?” “Exceptionalism, you honky-ass cracker?” “You best, you best, uh, back the fuck off… with your jingoistical, xenophobic, inaccurate bullshit, ’cause you seriously talking out the side of your mouth, you punk-ass bitch!” Because the establishment of these here United States was only made possible through one of the most comprehensive campaigns of ethnic cleansing that the world has ever known. Am I getting through to you now, motherfucker? Do you know me? Huh? You know me? You know me?” Of course, the Texas crowd was not like you. Oh, no, yo. They turned on me, man. They started booing the shit outta me. But when I retold the story to my son, I cleverly left out that booing part. “Buddy, honey, promise me, man, you’re never gonna lose your shit, especially in a argument, my man. Especially if you’re a person of color, because then nobody hears the content of what you’re trying to say. Okay?” Because what I should have said, calmly and-and coolly and collected to Mr. Texas, to Mr. Moderator, was, “Sir, I’m not an outsider, sir. Sir, we are not foreigners. No, sir. We are a vast network of tribes that commingled, co-habitated, and freely migrated north, central, south, Caribbean and Mexican Indians, and we is all the same blood.” [cheering and applause] Yo… Yo, we were so interconnected, man, that when I had my DNA done, they couldn’t tell me which specific tribe I was from. And when I got my results back, all it said was “Native American.” [woman] Oh, yeah. It also showed that I had a STD in high school, but that’s another story. You didn’t have an STD back in high school? What, you weren’t popular? I haven’t forgotten about you, either. So, it was November by now, and it was Thanksgiving. I’m waiting for the meal. I’m waiting, and then finally my poor wife comes down, all meshuggana. And she’s like, “John, Buddy’s not coming down. No, the bully turned the whole grade on him, against him, and… I don’t even know what else to do anymore.” “Well, let me go talk to him. Maybe I’ll have better luck. Who knows?” [pounds foot] “Hey, Buddy. Honey, what do you say we go for a little walk? I wanna share something with you.” “No, Dad. No, go away. Just leave me alone, Dad. I wish I were dead. Just leave me alone!” “Oh, honey. Buddy, look, man. I know what you’re going through, I really do.” My daughter steps up, and she’s like… [whispers] “Dad, let me help. Please let me help, Dad.” “All right, go ahead.” [taps foot] “Buddy? Did you know that Dad got booed by all of Texas?” “Do you wanna see it? I have it here on YouTube.” “And, Buddy, you know what? If you really think of the bully as sandpaper, sure, of course it’s gonna scratch you and hurt you, but in the end, he’s gonna end up useless, and you’re gonna end up polished.” [laughter] Wow. Wow. “Buddy, honey, you know what? She’s not wrong, man.” “No, she’s not wrong because you know what? People… are gonna try to hurt us with their words, man, because some people are unhappy, and unhappy people don’t like themselves, and they want everybody else to feel as shitty as they do. You know what? Bet they don’t have the guts to admit this to themselves.” “Dad, do you not like yourself sometimes, too?” “Oh, honey. I only have the guts to admit it to you.” “What do you say we go down for Thanksgiving together? We got a lot to be thankful for this year. Open up the door for me, man.” “Buddy, open the door, come on. Come on, man. Come on, open the door.” “I’m just curious, where are we with the heroes project?” “No, you’re not gonna tell me? What do you say we open up the history textbook, and you and I look up what Horace Greeley said? Come on, man. That could be a lot of fun.” “Can anybody here help me? Extra credit – what did Horace Greeley say? Anybody. -[woman, indistinct] -That’s right, ma’am. That’s right. Horace Greeley was the asshole… who said, “Go West, young man.” But he should’ve never said that shit. Because those “real” illegal-alien pioneers wouldn’t stop fucking coming here. I’m talking about the D-list of white folks, so no offense. The real OGs. Crooks, murderers and rapists, all out of the jails of Europe. Even Alexander de Tocqueville, my favorite French philosopher, from the 1800s, had to address Congress about these fucking pioneers. And he says to them, [French accent] “I don’t know how you people do it.” “You Americans are so good at exterminating Indians. Not even the Spanish are as good as you. And you like to do it so much. How do you do it?” I must’ve got to my son ’cause he cracks the door, but he’s… “Dad, how could our Indian forefathers have been so stupid, Dad? How could they have not seen that extermination coming, Dad?” “Oh, Buddy, honey, because it’s been proven that it’s historically impossible to see this kind of annihilation coming, man. Because, Buddy, even-even our Cherokee people were bushwhacked by bloody Andrew Jackson.” [laughter] “And our seventh president proclamates to the Cherokee people, [Southern accent] ‘Now listen here, Chief Crybaby.” “You and you papooses can remain on this land so long as you live by our laws. So from now on, there gonna be just a few new laws just for all y’all.'” [imitates gun cylinder spinning] I look more like Frederick Douglass than I do Andrew Jackson. But I’d rather look like Freddy than Andy any old-fucking-day. Especially after you learn that those poor tribes actually tried to live according to those strict laws of Andrew Jackson’s Indian Removal Act, which is so twisted and hypocritical, man, because Ben Franklin and the Founding Fathers plagiarized the Iroquois nation’s constitution to create our Constitution because of the great freedoms and independence it guaranteed to each individual state. And then they go and do it to us again in the 1930s with the “Repatriation Act” where they blame Mexican-Americans for taking jobs during the Depression. Sound familiar? So President Herbert Hoover “repatriates” 500,000 Latin people that were born here. Those of us that didn’t leave were lynched. And between 1830 and 1930, 600 of us were lynched. And now… they’re doing it to us again, man, with all these anti-immigration policies. Making us so afraid of being pulled over and profiled that we have to pretend we can’t even speak Spanish. [gibberish] Making us so afraid of being deported and carted off that we have to pretend to be white. We have to pretend we can’t even fucking dance. “Officer, I always dance like a frog in a blender. I swear to God I love Nickelback.” Until they play some merengue or a cumbia, then we’re like, “Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. No. Motherfucking shit. No. Oh, shit. Fuck. Goddamn son of a bitch. Motherfucker.” [dance music playing] “Shut it off! Shut it off! Shut it off!” -[music stops] -“Shit.” [music continues] [music stops] That shit always gives us away. Every fucking time, man. So… Andrew Jackson passes his Indian Removal Act of 1830. So a third of the Cherokee people die that winter as they walk – together now, everybody – the Trail of Tears. I know it’s a terrible human atrocity, but can you imagine the guilt trip those parents who survived the Trail of Tears could lay on their kids? “You wanna hear about hardship, little Buffalo Dingleberry?” “I mean, compared to my childhood, you don’t know how fucking easy you have.” I don’t know about y’all, but I’m all about a guilt trip, man. It’s the leverage I got left as a parent ’cause my kids are bugging out ’cause they want another iTunes album, video game, another pair of ripped jeans. And my daughter’s wigging, going, “I hate my life. I hate my life. Why’d you bring me into this world I hate?” “Oh, you brat. You brat. You don’t know how easy you have it, man. When I was a kid, there was no Internet. We didn’t have iPads or Spotify. You wanted to steal music? You had to walk to the goddamn record store and shoplift it yourself!” Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio. And the DJ usually talked over the beginning of it and fucked it all up! And if you wanted to know the lyrics to a song… oh, my fucking God. Jesus-fucking-Christ. Oh, my God, you had to rewind it and rewind it and rewind and rewind and rewind. That’s why I never knew that “Rock the Cat Box” “Rock the Cat Box” was actually “Rock the Casbah!” As you could see, I was losing my mind. Literally losing my mind. I think it was because it was months and months of learning about our losers history that I started suffering from some kind of ancestral PTSD. I don’t know what the fuck. But when I start taking it out on my kids, that’s when I draw the line in the sand, man, and I was done. Yo, I was done. I waited for spring break to break it to my son that I was quitting on him. I get to his room, and I find him sitting in the dark, looking all lonely and sad and, “Hey, little man. I want you to know I’m sorry I failed you, man. I’m sorry. I tried to protect you from all this, and I… -And, man, I just…” -“Dad, don’t worry. Don’t worry, Dad, ’cause I realized that a lot of the kids in my grade are just-just never gonna like me, Dad, but I also realized that I highly don’t give a fuck.” [applause] “So, Dad, I’m gonna focus on my heroes project so I could graduate and get the hell outta this school but, Dad, Dad. Wait, Dad. I wanna do my project on something -that no one has ever done, Dad.” -“All right, Buddy. All right, honey. It’s gonna be our secret mission, you and me, okay? Oh, shit, dude, I got it. Buddy, I got the thing that no one’s ever done. My God, this is gonna rock your world, because you know what? It rocked my world. When I found out that we Latin people had participated in the Civil War, Buddy.” “Tell that to the goddamn bully, because 20,000 of us Latinos fought in the North and the South.” We’ll go wherever they pay us, you know how we do. Buddy, you’re right. Let’s forget the Civil War. I’m gonna get you that Latin war hero if it’s the last thing I do. I wanna check my notes real fast. This is gonna blow your mind, because you know what? It blew my mind when I found out that we Latin people had helped out in the American Revolution. Ten thousand unknown Latino patriots fought out of a total of 80,000 American troops. That’s one out of eight. And some of us were generals. And women, Cuban women in Virginia sold their jewelry, their hoop earrings and their door knockers…” “to feed the patriots. But the illest… Latin hero I found for you was this General Bernardo Gálvez. And this homie donated $70,000 worth of weapons to George Washington. So, between the jewelry and the weapons, we also financed that war. So we too are the sons and daughters of the American Revolution, my man.” [applause and cheering] Out of nowhere my daughter pops out and rips off her headphones, and she’s like, “Seriously, Dad?” “Seriously?” “Like, 95% of what you’ve been talking about is all military history. Only focused entirely around men, Dad. What a myopic and compromised, gender-biased view of history, Dad. I can’t believe you’re such a sexist! I can’t believe I came out of you!” And she put on her headphones and blasted some misogynistic rap song. “Buddy, honey, I didn’t realize that I was being unconsciously sexist. Dude, I’m gonna have to revisit all the research, but redo it from a woman’s point of view.” “No, Dad, no. She’s better off without your help, Dad.” “And, Dad, you keep throwing all these random heroes at me, Dad. All these war guys.” “Buddy, come on. Random heroes. Don’t you know that our history was systematically cut out of history books? How come you don’t know that 30,000 of us fought in World War I and almost 500,000 of us sacrificed our lives in World War II?” “Well, Dad, I don’t care because to me, violence is just the worst kind of communication, Dad. That’s why– Look, I already got my project so please stay out of it ’cause I’m working on it.” “So you don’t like warriors, dude. I’m cool. That’s no biggie, man. ‘Cause I got my secret stash here that I been saving for you, my man. This is my real jam. Political leaders. Simon Bolivar, the George Washington of South America. Or how about a civil-rights activist like Cesar Chavez? Hey, come on.” “Don’t walk out on me, man. You know how hard it is to find these heroes -who were spics and beaners to them?” -[door slams] I guess he just didn’t want my help anymore. But now I had all this information just stuck in my head, man, and it started playing over and over and over. I started feeling like I was going insane. And then I find out that one in four people in America suffers from some form of mental illness. So think of your three best friends. And if they’re okay, well, then it’s you. Latin stats roll call. Latin stats roll call. So we Latin people are the second-oldest ethnic group in America after Native Americans. And yet, at 22%, we have the highest high-school dropout rate of any minority in this country. And at 32%, we are the most-bullied ethnic group in the workplace. And at 40% of the prison population, because of this immigration detention, we are now the largest ethnic group in jails. And 60% of hate crimes are perpetrated on us, so we’ve got the record there, too. And we’re almost 70 million hard-working, contributing Americans in this country, and this president has effectively declared war on us by his zero tolerance, by betraying our Dreamers, by publicly denigrating Mexican Americans and then by abandoning American citizens in Puerto Rico and left to die. And how dare he. How dare he. When we’re so American it hurts. Because we’re the only ethnic group that has fought in every single war this country’s ever had. We have shed blood for America in each and every single one of her wars. We’re the most decorated minority in each and every single one of those wars. But where are our contributions? Where are they? Where are they listed, mentioned or honored? Can you imagine, can you imagine if they were put back into history? Written back into history textbooks? Can you imagine how America would see us? More importantly, can you imagine how we would see ourselves? And then I just fell asleep. I don’t know how long I’d been asleep, but it was a long time and… all I could think about is, “God, is my son ever gonna graduate?” Oh, God. [mutters] [alarm sounds] Oh, shit. What happened? What? What? “John, wake up.  John, wake up. It’s Buddy’s graduation, and, John, Buddy said he’s gonna have a big surprise for us. Everybody’s waiting for you downstairs. You’re gonna make us late.” “A surprise, honey? What surprise? Why didn’t anybody tell me?” So we race down to the auditorium for my son’s graduation from middle school. -[“Pomp and Circumstance” playing] That’s eighth grade to y’all. And my wife and I are so excited, man. We’re so excited because we never thought this day was actually gonna come. And, um… I go to take my seat and guess who bogarts it from me. The come mierda bully’s dad. “No, John, you don’t get to sit down, no, because you were such a grandmother and went crying to the headmaster. Now my son doesn’t have a shot at a good school. No, no, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. Glad I gave to the Financial Aid Fund because you know what? It’s really done me a world of good.” “Excuse me, but it’s good to know you just give for your own benefit. And just so you know, we’re not on financial aid. Maybe because I’m Latin, you assume we had to be, like it’s a rule or something? But, no, my son got in ’cause he earned it.” “Unlike some people’s kids who probably benefited from some white affirmative-action program for lazy, privileged white kids, as if that demographic could ever really be underrepresented, huh?” “Hey, you wanna step outside? You-You-You wanna step outside?” “Look, there is nothing I would love more than to mambo all over your face…” “but I’m gonna have to deny myself that pleasure because as a wise Puerto Rican, Colombian, Jewish, Incan, Aztec kid once told me, violence is the lowest form of communication.” And bam – I had my comeback. I was the father I wanted my son to have. My wife just elbows the shit outta me. “John, shh! Would you be quiet. Buddy’s about to talk.” And then at that exact moment, I hear them call my son’s name out loud. This was the moment, man. This is the moment I’ve been dreading my whole life. I couldn’t go up there with him anymore. I couldn’t help him, I couldn’t fix it for him, I couldn’t save him, I just… I just had to let go. “John, shh. Would you be quiet. Not everything is about you, John.” “Okay, okay.” I see my son approaching the podium, and I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that was my boy. “Who was this kid? Who was this amazing young man walking towards the podium?” “Um… at the first, when the headmaster asked me to take my hero project and turn it into this speech, I really wasn’t prepared but, um… then something in the last few weeks changed for me because I learned from watching my dad heroically fail. [laughter] “I learned that a hero doesn’t have to win, and a hero doesn’t have to beat up an enemy or revenge himself to be a hero.” “And I also learned we really haven’t lost because we’ve taken the worst beating in history, and we’re still here…” “writing, inventing, dancing, and just not giving up.” “And, um, because of a situation that I had, I was forced to, um… look inside myself, and that’s when I saw that in some ways, I’ve got lots of heroes in me. Because I am Cesar Chavez, and I am Céspedes of the Mets, even though he’s always injured.” “And I am Menudo.” [laughter] “And I am Sonia Sotomayor.” “And I am definitely not Ted Cruz.” [laughter] “But the biggest thing I learned while I was, uh, failing outta school this past year was, as one of my fellow classmates once said to me, ‘You’re the king of nothing.'” “But if the Mayans invented the concept of zero… then nothing is not nothing. And if they can make something out of nothing…” “then my hero is…” “My…” “hero…” “is…” “me.” [music playing] [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [“Soy Yo” by Bomba Estereo playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Sebastian Maniscalco: Stay Hungry (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sebastian-maniscalco-stay-hungry-transcript/

[instrumental music plays] ♪ All right ♪ [screeching] [cheering and applause] Beautiful New York City. [cheering and applause continues] Now, I’ve got my father here. [cheering] And he’s planning the whole day today. He wanted to do lunch. He’s like, “Let’s go to the freedom thing. -Take a look at that. -[laughter] Maybe we go to Central Park.” I go, “Dad, I’m– I’m playing Radio City tonight. I got shit going on.” [laughter] He goes, “What, are you too big now? Big shot! [laughter] You’re a biggie, biggie shot. You can’t go out to lunch with your father? [laughter] Biggie, biggie shot.” [laughter] Came in on Wednesday, and it was… I don’t know what’s going on on these airplanes. Looks like a farm on the airplane now with the amount of animals coming down the aisle. [laughter] When did this…? Okay. Why– why is it okay to just bring the dog, a parrot. [laughter] You see a couple months ago, at the Newark Airport? Some idiot tried to bring a peacock. [laughter] She had a peacock on her shoulder, walking into the airport, like it was TUMI luggage. I mean, what? [laughter] The thing fell off. She’s trying to gather it. [laughter] When these people leave the house, anybody say anything to them? [laughter] If I left the house with a peacock on my back, someone would come up to me, “Where the fuck you going with that? [laughter] You gonna bring it on an airplane? What are you, nuts?” [laughter] There was a fight on my airplane. We couldn’t even take off. Someone got their ass kicked on the flight. I mean… This is happening on a weekly basis. Just do what you’re told. That’s how I grew up. Just do what you’re told. What’s with the lip? [laughter] If I’m on an airplane and four stormtroopers get on my plane with flak jackets on… that say “Security”, and they come right to my row and tell me, “Hey, you’re gonna have to get up…” I’m up! [laughter] I take my bag, my cup of coffee… “I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Do I just pick up my voucher here and wait 14 days for the next flight? That sounds totally fair to me. Just don’t kick my ass. I am sorry I interrupted everybody’s vacation. Let me just make my way off the fuselage.” [laughter] What are you gonna do? Fight someone nowadays? This– this is not 20 years ago, where you’re at a nightclub and some guy gives you a little… Remember those days, some guy would just kind of lean his shoulder right into your chestplate. [laughter] [mouthing] Come on. [laughter] “You want some of this, huh? Hold my cologne. You want to do this?” [laughter] Back then you got into a fist fight. Maybe you got a black eye. Maybe. That’s all people knew how to do, was to punch. Now… You don’t know what this guy knows with this Mixed Martial Arts. [laughter] This MMA. This guy will end up on your back with his heels into your nuts, choking you out. [laughter] How do you defend that? I mean… [laughter] These MMA guys, that’s a different guy. That’s a tough man. They don’t punch. They’ll kick– They’ll kick your leg off. [laughter] They train on banana trees. Just kicking down a banana tree. How do you think your leg’s gonna hold up? [laughter] Could you… Honest to God, could you withstand a strike to the peroneal nerve from a 23-year-old grown man? I can’t. [laughter] I can’t take nothing. I got up last night at 3:00 in the morning to go take a piss, I stubbed my toe. Down for 58 minutes. [laughter] You ever stub your toe at night? [laughter] You don’t even want to look down. You’re like, “I know the nail came off. The nail came off and one toe is busted. I just want to take a piss. I’ll find the nail in the morning and I’ll wipe the blood off the sheets. This is ridiculous. God, the pain.” [laughter] You can’t fight an MMA guy. That’s a tough guy. That’s a tough life. [laughter] They got a strudel for an ear. What is this… what is that? [laughter] There’s nothing I could do to this guy that hurts more than a strudel hanging off the left side of the cranium. [laughter] Watch how they come into the ring. They’re just… [laughter] …stretching out their teeth. Oh, my God. If I was his opponent, I’m like, “This is it. I’m gonna die tonight. This guy’s gonna… kill me.” I’m not fighting nobody. I’m barely working out at this age. I’ve been doing the same workout since ’89. [laughter] I just go to the gym. Couple biceps, some chest. I start beading, I get the hell out of the gym. [laughter] I ain’t sweating through clothing. Those days are done. [laughter] Maybe if I’m feeling good, I’ll hit the treadmill. I did that last week. I got on my treadmill there, and there’s eight empty treadmills next to me. So, I put it on 5.0. Now, it’s not too high. It’s not too slow. It’s a valet jog. Let me go get your Mercedes. [laughter] Another guy comes right next to me, on the treadmill next to me, right? Eight treadmills, he’s gotta pick this one. [laughter] This is the problem with me. I can’t pay attention to what I’m doing. I’m honed in on everyone else. Especially if they get near me, I start looking at what this guy is up to. I’m giving him a side view. [laughter] And he’s not starting the machine. I’m getting bothered. I’m like, “Guy, start your machine. You’re screwing up what I’m doing over here.” [laughter] He’s stretching out… on the treadmill. Now, listen. There’s a place for this in the gym. There’s a stretch-out area. Okay, I don’t go to the stretch-out area and run around people. [laughter] You don’t bring your stretch to the mill. [laughter] So, you ever look at a treadmill? They’ve got a bunch of different compartments. I always wondered… who’s using all this storage? [laughter] This is the guy. They built the treadmill for him. This guy’s emptying his life into these little bins. The change, the iPhone… the wallet, the keys. He brought an iPad. He brought a cinema… to the gym. [laughter] Then he put his little bitch-buds in, right? [laughter] Then he cranked it up to 15. I didn’t even know the damn thing went this high. [laughter] The manufacturer said, “Yeah, leave it at 15. No one’s going to do that.” But this guy’s sprinting. Fast. Do you ever see people on a treadmill? They run fast and hard, like the whole gym could hear them run? It’s like… [imitates thudding] Like a sock… is gonna fly off at any minute. [laughter] Then he pulled this one. He just rested on the side, and let the thing… [laughter] Just do what we are doing. Don’t do some weird work out that you saw… [laughter] Then he… I’ve never seen this before. He had like a water backpack… [laughter] …like, that you would see in the desert. He had a backpack filled with water, and then a tube… [laughter] …that he could just sip. [laughter] Then he dropped it down. Then he pulled this one. He turned towards me. Now he starts side skipping. Oh, my God. [laughter] I cannot run on a treadmill with another grown man looking right at me. [laughter] Doing side skips. [laughter] I came home, I told my wife this story. She don’t get it. She don’t understand. She’s like, “Why do you look at everybody? Just do you.” “Why do you look at the whole gym?” I go, “‘Cause that’s what makes me happy. I like to be bothered.” [laughter] She says, “Come with me. I’m gonna spin class tomorrow.” I say, “Okay, I’ll come. I’ll come to your spin class.” I’ve never done this before. But I went to SoulCycle, -whatever it is, right? -[cheering] Yeah, see, everybody gets so hopped up. [laughter] I go to the one in LA, everybody’s fake positive. All right? They come into the class, “What’s going on? How’s it going? Are we gonna do this today?” Okay. Relax. Relax. It’s a class. It’s a spin class. [laughter] So right away, I’m bothered. I go, “Babe, I gotta get out of here. I can’t– I can’t do this.” Already I’m upset. [laughter] She like, “Come on, let’s go check in and get our shoes. I said, “Shoes? What is this? A bowling alley?” [laughter] Everybody’s got these special spin shoes. So they’re all walking around… [laughter] “I’m on Bike 22. Could you tell me where bike… Okay, it’s over here? Great.” [laughter] So, we signed up late. My wife and I did not have bikes together. My wife starts panicking. She’s like, “Babe, we’re not doing this together. I’m on the other side of the room. I have to ask the girl next to you.” I go, “Babe, don’t start doing this shit. The girl next to me is already set up. She’s got a water bottle, everything’s in place. Do not ask her anything.” I go, “Babe, we’re not gonna talk during this. It’s a 45-minute class. We’re not gonna, like… I’m not gonna turn to you and go, ‘Did you pay the gas bill?’ This is a workout. [laughter] We’re not gonna hold hands on the bike. This is not a ride through Central Park. This is a stationary bike.” [laughter] So I start to work out. The class didn’t even start. I just started on my own thing. I ain’t waiting. If I’m there, let’s get the thing going. I’m cooking. [laughter] So now the teacher comes in. This guy was way too happy for what was happening in the room. [laughter] He’s one of these, like, real positive teachers. He’s like, “All right, everybody. Are you ready? It’s a Monday morning. Put your head down. Let’s get rid of that mean boss that keeps bitching at you every time you come in. Let’s get rid of that debt that you have. Let’s shed that cousin that didn’t come to the holiday dinner.” I’m like, “Gee, how bad is it in here for these people? I’m just here to get rid of the cheesecake I had last night, not the abusive father. What the hell is going on?” [laughter] But my wife grew up, like, very athletic… She grew up in a family where they just– they have a lot of time on that side. They’ve got a lot of money… So nobody’s doing anything really, you know? [laughter] Everybody’s really relaxed. [laughter] Like, when I went over there for the first time, I was meeting my wife’s family, and, like, everybody was home. [laughter] Like, on a Tuesday at 2:30. I go, “Why is everybody… home?” [laughter] Like, no one works over there. They just, you know. I’m like, “What do your cousins do?” “I-I don’t know, really. I don’t, uh, really know what they do. I think… they’re in advertising, but I don’t really know what they do.” [laughter] They’re so relaxed. They’re the type of family that when they graduated college, they took a year off to go find themselves. Do you know people like this? They graduate and they go backpacking through Europe and stay at hostels like they’re broke. [laughter] They go find themselves. That shit don’t fly on my side. [laughter] When I graduated college, I couldn’t tell my father, “Dad, I’m gonna go to Europe to go find myself.” [laughter] “What do you mean, go find yourself? [laughter] I found you, you’re right here in my house. Where are you gonna go? [laughter] You want to see you? Go look in the mirror. You got no job and you’re in my house. I found you. You’re here.” [laughter] My wife’s side is like really happy and they encourage things. [laughter] Right? They, like, do retreats as a family. They– they work on their inner self. “We work on our inner self.” [laughter] They do therapy. My– my family don’t do any of this. No therapy, no bettering… It’s like, “This is it. What are you going to do? Change? This is you.” [laughter] No one’s popping pills on my side. Nobody’s on antidepressants. My father’s like, “I’ve been depressed for 30 years!” [laughter] We just handle our problems in the house. We didn’t broadcast our problems. My father was like, “Shh, don’t tell nobody what’s going on in here. Okay?” [laughter] Even within our family there was, like, secrets. No one said anything. My grandfather had polio. He had one leg significantly shorter than the other leg. Nobody said nothing. I– Nobody mentioned he had a disease. [laughter] My whole childhood I was just like, “Okay, that’s the way men from Sicily walk.” [laughter] I asked my father one day. I said, “What’s wrong with Grandpa?” “What do you mean what’s wrong? Why would you say that about your grandfather? What do you mean what’s wrong with him?” “I don’t know,  he’s got a two by four nailed to his heel. I-I don’t– I’ve never seen a shoe like that. I– [laughter] Nobody’s saying anything about the man’s shoes.” [laughter] I don’t know. My… My family. My father, my mother, man. They know me back and forth. They can tell if anything is wrong with me, if I’m feeling a certain way. My father would walk right in my house, look right in my eyes, “Hey, drunk? Fucked up? [laughter] What’s wrong with you. Your eyes. Something’s wrong.” [laughter] He’s like upset that I had two drinks. “You drink? You drink a little?” [laughter] That’s why I’m shocked to hear these parents today have no idea what their kids are doing. Right? You hear it on the news all the time. “We had no idea.” [laughter] Kid’s in his room with 16 bazookas, 19 grenades. He’s going to school dressed as Darth Vader. You know? Look– look in the room! [laughter] It starts at the house. [cheering and applause] Growing up, my mother lived in my room constantly, just looking for shit. [laughter] My mom knew what I was doing when I was a teenager. She would come downstairs with a towel. She was like, “Hey, I found this in your room. [laughter] You’re sick. You’re sick. [laughter] You owe me a whole new set of towels. [laughter] I can’t get this out. [laughter] No son of mine is gonna do that in my house.” [laughter] My wife’s side is so different, man. [laughter] My wife is always happy. She’s– Even when bad things go wrong, she’s always with a smile, this woman. She came home… came home last month. She was like, “Babe, I don’t know what happened, but… [laughter] I was backing out of the parking lot at the mall, and I just sideswiped a cement pylon. [laughs] It’s just a graze. It’s a small graze. You could probably buff it out or use some Carnauba Wax to just… You know?” [laughter] Now, my immediate reaction is to yell. That’s– that’s how I grew up. High volume. [laughter] I’d come home with a flat tire on my bicycle, and my father would be like, “What the fuck is this?” [laughter] “I don’t know! [laughter] I didn’t see the nail!” [laughter] My wife grew up with a mother that was more forgiving. “Accidents happen. [laughter] Just as long as you were not injured, we could always replace it.” [laughter] My father was like, “Guess who’s walking this summer? [laughter] Can’t get you nothing nice.” [laughter] So now I can’t yell– I can’t yell at my wife. She does not respond to yelling. Last time I raised my voice, she gave it right back to me. She’s like, “I don’t know what this is, but you better bring this down, and let’s talk like adults and resolve it. Okay, let’s just resolve it. I think you need some therapy. You and your father should get in some type of group retreat… for your condition. I don’t know.” [laughter] So, I can’t yell. I got to push it. I got to push this shit deep. I– [laughter] I don’t even know who I am anymore. I-I don’t even sound like me. [laughter] I’m sitting in the kitchen like, “Yeah, okay. It’s just a graze, then. [laughter] I think I could probably buff it out. If you said it’s a graze… it’s a graze. [laughter] Could we go to the driveway to look at what you call a graze is? Because I’d love to… [laughter] …know in your head what you think that is.” [laughter] She’s like, “Yeah, no, I’ll show you.” So both of us go out to the driveway. I’m like, “We need a new door!” [laughter] [mouthing] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s me. It’s me. Wow. My wife doesn’t know what’s involved in an accident. That’s my assignment now. That’s six weeks now that I had to deal with this headache. Calling the insurance, telling them, “Listen, don’t spike up the… It’s a graze. Here, I–” [laughter] I’ve got to go rent a car, sign my life away on 123 pages for a Nissan Altima. [laughter] I gotta go to a body shop. You ever go there? Man, they’re waiting for you to pull in. What are you gonna do, fix it at your garage? You do body work? I know nobody that does this. I’ve got to go in. You go to a body shop, everybody comes out, the whole– the whole garage. [laughter] When you pull in, they have a guy that’s like, “Hey, we got one Let’s take a look at it.” [laughter] And they swarm the car. They just… I thought I was in a Cirque du Soleil show. They were… [laughter] Then they call out the head guy, he’s the best actor they got. [laughter] “Frankie, you want to take a look at this?” [laughter] As soon as he sees the car, he’s like, “Whoa. [laughter] What, did you get sideswiped by a semi?” [laughter] I said, “No, my wife calls this a graze. She says– She says you could get it out with some Carnauba wax. I can’t open the door, but she says this is a nine-dollar job. with some Carnauba wax. I can’t yell or scream at the house. I have to suppress all my emotion and feeling into my feet, and I don’t know who I am anymore, but she just says it’s a graze. Uh, I don’t understand why she didn’t see anything. We have sensors and a camera in the vehicle. But, of course, I couldn’t mention that in the heat of the moment or I’d be sleeping outside on the lawn. So, if you could just get out your wax and buff that out, that would be fantastic.” [laughter] [cheering and applause] So this guy knows he’s got me. [laughter] He goes into his whole spiel. They always get on one knee. I don’t like when they– they do the one-knee job. [laughter] And then they start talking to themselves, “What the heck? That’s a shame. That’s a shame. [laughter] See, if you would have got hit an inch… [laughter] An inch here… I could have buffed it out. But… [laughter] since your wife hit it where she hit it, I’ve got to remove the quarter panel, I’ve got to take out the trunk, remove the seats, the engine’s got to go…” “What?” [laughter] “Hey, I’m just spitballing here, but 20, 21 grand. I– Don’t quote me on that, I haven’t removed anything, but… that’s what I’m guessing from the start.” It’s just different. And now we got a little baby. She’s gonna be one in four days. [cheering] Five days. [applause] A little daughter at home. It’s hard to combine these two different bring-ups. Right? Because my wife has got one view on the world, I’ve got another. Now we’ve got to give this… to this little baby. Right? She don’t know what the hell’s in store for her. [laughter] When my wife first got pregnant, everybody was asking us, “Are you gonna take photographs of the belly… [laughter] …and do an announcement? Like, ‘We’re pregnant.’ [laughter] Put it on Facebook… Are you guys gonna do that?” [laughter] I said, “No, we’re just gonna tell people. This is it, she’s pregnant.” [laughter] You see these guys on these pregnancy announcements? The husband’s on his knee, kissing the belly. [laughter] Everybody’s living their life through Facebook. Videos… You’re gonna see it soon. Wedding season is just around the corner. You’re gonna see wedding videos from the wedding… of this choreographed dance that the groom and the groomsmen… Have you– have you seen this? Like, the groom is dancing with the bride, and then, all of a sudden, the lights go up. And then the bride’s like, “What’s going on? [laughter] Oh, my God.” And nine of the groomsmen come out and do a 12 minute… [laughter] …choreographed routine. I– I got married five years ago. I couldn’t get my groomsmen to go get their tuxedos fitted. [laughter] Let alone come to my house and rehearse. [laughter] Everybody’s got something, though. Everybody’s trying to teach you something on Facebook. There’s always a video, a “Do It Yourself” video, or a life hack. Some guy, 53-year-old guy. He’s got his own channel, he’s in his bathroom with a camera. [laughter] Once a week he comes out with an episode: “What’s up, guys? Welcome to Jim’s Corner. [laughter] Today, I’m gonna teach you how to get that last amount of toothpaste out of your toothpaste tube. [laughter] Simply take a woman’s barrette, attach it to the end of the tube. Now, what you want to do is move the toothpaste near the aperture. Some air is gonna build up in the tube. Take the scissors and let out the…” Go buy another tube, Jim. [laughter] What are you doing in your bathroom… with a bottle of Crest? [laughter] So my wife had a nice pregnancy, but when we went to the hospital… I got a little disappointed with the customer service at the ho… We went to the delivery room. I thought this thing was gonna be packed in the delivery room. Sold out. Doctors, nurses, specialists, some interns. Nothing. It’s me, a nurse, and the doctor. And my wife starts going into labor. I go, “Wait, where is everybody?” [laughter] And the doctor’s like, “This is it! Grab a foot.” [laughter] I said, “With all the money we’re paying, we don’t got a… foot guy?” [laughter] I thought I was gonna be up here… for emotional support, rubbing the hair, not in the back with a heel. [laughter] I thought I was gonna make my wife laugh throughout the whole… labor thing. I had– I had a whole set planned. [laughter] We’ve been together nine years. I was planning on doing it, you know, from the first date. Soon as the contractions hit, I went right into the set. I’m like, “Babe, you remember when we first went…” She was like, “Don’t fucking look at me.” Okay. [laughter] No one tells you anything. I don’t even have anything on. Nobody gave me like a smock, a hat, a mask. I was in there in a T-shirt and jeans. And I didn’t even know if I was gonna look. But it’s hard not to. My wife’s Jewish. Right? So the baby starts coming out. I saw the head. I saw jet black hair. I’m like, “Babe, I think the Italian penetrated the Jew. I think– [laughter] I think we got an Italian Catholic baby. A little ear came out. That’s when I lost it. As soon as I saw my daughter’s ear come out, I’m like, “Babe, I can’t believe it. This is unbelievable.” And then more head started to come. And then more head. Now I’m like, “What the hell… is wrong… [laughter] …with the head?” [laughter] Nobody told me it comes out like a football. So I’m… [laughter] My wife’s like, “Is she cute?” I’m like, “She’s gonna have some problems in school with the other kids. [laughter] Did you save the receipts for the hats that we bought? They’re not gonna fit on this cone. It’s all fucked up down here. I don’t know what’s going on. Nobody told us. [laughter] And it’s– it’s unbelievable to see the actual birth, because they bring the baby out, they bring it out, and then no one told me a bunch of other stuff… [laughter] Just– I got hit in the head with placenta. [laughter] Now we’re in a state of euphoria. I’m like, “Babe, I can’t believe it! We’ve got a daughter, babe!” She’s like, “Go look at her.” So I go to look at her, right, and the doctor is like, “You want to cut the umbilical cord? I’m like, “Again, nobody to do this? [laughter] Isn’t this an important job? And I’m gonna do it with placenta dripping into my eyeball? I mean, it looks like calamari, it shouldn’t be an issue, but… [laughter] Nobody could do this?” [laughter] So then they take the baby back to my wife, and right away, my baby starts breastfeeding, and my wife starts producing milk, right? The other nipple is just shooting… whole milk on the other side of my face. I got placenta, I got milk, I felt like I came out of the canal. I’m– [laughter] Now, there’s a moment that you don’t even feel like you’re involved, because the baby’s in on the mother… I’ve got nothing to offer. [laughter] You know? But it hits me, I’m a father. I got responsibility now. We go back to the recovery room and people start coming in, like nurses, and here’s where all the people start coming in. Now, I feel a sense that I have to protect. I feel like a lion in the Serengeti. [laughter] Shedding off predators. [laughter] First woman comes in, she’s like, “Hi, congratulations. I’m here to test your daughter’s hearing.” And my wife’s like, “Oh, yeah, come on in.” I said, “What are you talking about, hearing?” She’s two hours old. What is my daughter gonna do? [laughter] Oh, yeah. [laughter] [mouthing] Wow. That’s loud. Can you turn it down? Turn it down. Turn it down. [laughter] Thank you. I’m always very skeptical about what people want, right? Another woman came in, had a big screen TV. She’s like, “We took some beautiful photographs of your daughter, Serafina. Now, for $29.95, you get a glossy 8×10 with a flash drive. I said, “Listen, could you send a link or something? We’re in no condition to be looking at photos. My– my wife’s nipples are bleeding and black tar is coming out of her vagina. Could you come back? I mean, is this the right time? [laughter] We’re gonna need some towels over here and a mop shortly. Because what I’m looking at looks damaged, and I don’t know if we could have a second child based on what I’m looking at. You got a block of ice she could rest this on? [laughter] We’ll look at the pictures next month, but this don’t look normal.” [laughter] My wife looks like somebody threw her out of an airplane. What? [laughter] Now, I was dealing with the whole, you know, we got a Jewish baby. My side– my side was like, “What are you gonna do?” [laughter] How are you gonna raise the baby? What are you gonna do? No Christmas? You’re not gonna have a tree?” [laughter] A lot of people deal with this, “Well, you know, her family is more religious than us.” [laughter] So, I’m trying to figure out how I could appease my family. Okay? So, here the woman comes in for the bath. She’s like, “We’re here… to have your daughter, Serafina, for her first bath. I said, “Oh, okay.” I go, “Babe, we’re gonna go.” She goes, “Oh, no, no, no. One parent. Only one parent.” I said, “Okay. Babe, take care of the tar, let me go find out… [laughter] …what’s happening with bath time.” Now, I thought there was gonna be a beautiful porcelain tub. Some candles, dimly-lit, a little Kenny G playing. [laughter] And then it hit me. I was gonna try and sneak a baptism… into the bath. [laughter] I figure if I went to the death floor and found a priest giving last rites, I’ll ask him, “Do you want to come up to Five and baptize the Jewish baby so my mother and father get off my back?” [laughter] So, now we take the baby home. Nobody tells you nothing. We’re just gonna figure it out. One month in, baby starts crying. It’s a cry we’ve never heard before. And we do everything as a duet, me and my wife. If the baby’s crying, we get up as a… Feed, we feed together. Everything is a duet. This is not how my father and mother worked it. [laughter] If I was crying, my father, “Go get it! I gotta work!” [laughter] “Do you want to kiss the ba…?” “I don’t want to kiss it! I gotta go to work!” [laughter] But now, 2018, everything’s a couple. We share the duties. [laughter] So, my wife checks the baby. She’s like, “She got a stuffed up nose. Now, babies can’t blow their own nose. I didn’t know this. [laughter] I thought they just… [sneezes] and then, you know… sneeze and shit came out. I’m like, I didn’t know that we had to assist in this. My wife gives me this apparatus. It’s like a bullet you put in the nostril and there’s a hose attached, and you’re at the other end. And I go, “Babe, you want me to… You want me to suck the snot out of her nose and then swallow that? I’ll do it, if that’s what this requires, but shouldn’t we read the box or Google it? I–” [laughter] So, here I am, 3:00 a.m., in my underwear… [laughter] …with the tube up my daughter… [sucking] [laughter] My wife’s like, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “There’s supposed to be a filter.” I go, “There’s no filter. I-I got it… [laughter] I got it right here. I got it right here.” [laughter] Like, who would have known that this would have been it. I mean… I was going back to bed with my wife. I go, “Nine years ago, if I had told you I was gonna be sucking snot out of our daughter’s nose in my underwear, with my left nut hanging out, would you… have still done it? [laughter] My wife loves to dress my daughter up. Man, the outfits. I like a onesie. [laughter] It’s easy. Lay the baby in the onesie, tuck the feet in… [laughter] My wife, she’s putting everything… She’s putting skirts, nylons… Babushka. [laughter] You ever dress a baby? My wife told me, “Could you dress her? I’m gonna shower.” I said, “Yeah, no problem.” Shes like, “The clothes are out on the– on the couch. You could dress her.” So as soon as I see the outfit, I get nervous. Did you ever dress an infant? They have no core. So, it’s… [laughter] It’s all good. It’s all good, though. Can’t do a lot, though. I mean… My wife loves to do, like, um… Scuba diving, that’s her big thing. Loves to scuba dive. And I don’t do anything where there’s like a safety briefing prior to the activity. [laughter] I don’t want to do anything out of my wheelhouse. First of all, I don’t even know how to swim. I missed that whole thing growing up. [laughter] My grandparents watched us during the week. Now, I had grandparents that lived 52 years in the United States. Not one word of English, nothing. [laughter] And I didn’t speak Italian, so when they watched me, there was a lot of charades, there was a lot of… [laughter] Just a lot of guessing. I just– I just knew they were upset about their health and the way they were feeling. [laughter] My grandfather never finished a sentence. He would bust out of the bathroom, and he looked right at me and goes… [speaks indistinctly] [laughter] “I’m sorry, Grandpa. What did you– What did you say?” [speaks indistinctly in Italian] [laughter] “What?” [speaks indistinctly in Italian] “…piss on the floor. The floor… To the right… to the left…” [speaks indistinctly in Italian] [laughter] So, we’re not going to swim class today, Grandpa? I-I-I don’t understand. [laughter] Because we need a letter that states why we did not attend, and from what I’m gathering, your dick is crooked and you’re pissing all over the floor. I don’t even know if they’re gonna accept that excuse on a pizzeria napkin that I wrote because you don’t know the language. [laughter] My grandmother had arthritis everywhere, the poor woman. She could barely walk. You could hear her walk from the refrigerator to the sink. From across the house you would hear… [speaks indistinctly in Italian] [laughter] [cheering and applause] So now… I don’t know how to swim. [laughter] I didn’t grow up with this type of environment like a lot of American families, you know. When– when the school sent something home, your parents signed it, and that gave you permission to do the field trip or whatever. Right? That didn’t happen in my house. I would come to the school and my whole class wasn’t there. They went to Washington DC… [laughter] …to look at the White House. I’m like, “Where is everybody?” [laughter] They’re like, “Your parents never handed in the permission slip. So… …you, Javier, and Athenos… [laughter] …are gonna be in the lunch room for three days… [laughter] …writing a paper about how immigrant parents don’t sign permission slips.” [laughter] Sorry. I don’t want to scuba dive. I think something’s gonna happen if I do that. Right? I’m fearful. If I jump in… …something’s gonna go wrong that they’ve never seen on the boat before. [laughter] There’s gonna be something… [popping sound] “Oh, my God. Tony, have we got another hose?” “No. I thought you brought it.” “No, I didn’t bring it.” And I’m gonna be 400 feet. [laughter] “Bring me up! [laughter] I’m bleeding out of my ears. I knew I shouldn’t have done it.” [laughter] My wife grew up in Florida. You know, she grew up on the ocean. So she wants to, like, jet ski or waverun. We rented a WaveRunner once. We just– we got one. She drove and I sat in the “bitch seat”. [laughter] Then a guy comes out, and I’ve got to listen to the guy’s instructions. My wife don’t listen, she’s got no attention span. I’ve got to hone in on the guy. The guy’s like, “Here’s your life vest, man. Put that on.” I said, “Listen, you’ve got to put it on. I can’t put this on. I’m gonna put it on, I’m gonna miss a buckle. The shit’s gonna fly off. You’ve got to do it.” [laughter] He’s like, “Here’s your mouthpiece.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, we could lose our teeth?” [laughter] I look at my wife, she’s got nothing on. I said, “Put on your mouthpiece! [laughter] Put on your mouthpiece. Put on your mouthpiece. We could lose our teeth on this.” [laughter] So there’s four other people that rented WaveRunners. Now the guy’s got to come out and give us the whole spiel. He’s like, “All right, listen, there’s– there’s orange buoys all over the ocean. It’s giving you the perimeter of where you can and cannot go. Now, on the southeast side of the ocean, we spotted some sharks earlier this morning. Stay away from the southeast side.” Now, me, I don’t know southeast. North… I don’t know any of that shit. If you told me right now, what way… I have no idea. I don’t know the compass. [laughter] And I don’t ask, too. If I don’t know something, I don’t ask. If we’re in mixed company, I just– I just ask my wife. -“You know where southeast is?” -“No.” “Okay, we’re gonna get eaten by sharks tonight. Okay? Let’s go. We’re gonna get eaten by sharks because I don’t want to ask the guy, embarrass myself in front of eight people I don’t know because I didn’t pay attention in fifth grade.” [laughter] This guy’s in the middle of his speech. He’s like, “All right, on the north side…” And my wife guns it. She don’t even listen. She’s like… I’m like, “Oh, my God, babe. Go back. Go back. [laughter] It’s rough water, babe. Go back. Slow down, babe. I’m paralyzed, babe. I can’t feel nothing. [laughter] My shoulders are numb, my fingertips. I can’t… I can’t feel nothing, babe. Go back. I’m bleeding, babe, out of my mouth. I– The blood is pooling in my mouthpiece. [laughter] My dick’s in your ass, babe. Get it out. This is– This is a family-friendly beach. [laughter] It’s a family-friendly beach, babe.” [laughter] She just doesn’t know. [laughs] Now… We spent some time at the beach. By the time we left, it was dark. ‘Cause we hit a friend’s house on the way home. And we were in my wife’s car. My wife’s car never got gas. [laughter] Every time I get in, I go, “What the f…” [laughter] -I go, “I gotta get–” -“We can make it.” “No, we’ve got four miles left. We’ve got 28 to go. Just do the math.” [laughter] We had to pull over at night at a gas station. My biggest fear, getting murdered… [laughter] …at a gas station, pumping gas. Because we all have our gas stations that we go to. It’s your primary one. You go there and that’s your one. But when you go… out of your neighborhood and you got to pull into some weird one at midnight. Like, when you leave here tonight, if you’re low on gas, you pull into a weird neighborhood you don’t know, you’ve got to be on high alert. [laughter] As soon as you get out of the car, you’ve got to… ask yourself where’s the murder coming from tonight. [laughter] You never give yourself a full tank at night. You give yourself just enough. Two dollars, couple squirts… Let’s keep this thing going. [laughter] Now, this one we pulled in… the credit card machine didn’t work. So, now I’ve got to go in that… that death hut. [laughter] That little mini-mart. You ever go into a mini-mart at midnight? It’s a pit stop for criminals. [laughter] They– they commit crime, and then they stop off to grab a Slurpee… [laughter] …on their way home. [laughter] So, my wife’s in the car. She has no idea the scenario I have created outside the vehicle. [laughter] Now, through the open window, I said to my wife, “Hey. Listen up. [laughter] Dial 911 on that phone. Put your thumb on ‘Send’. Hop in the driver’s seat. Roll all the windows down. If you see me sprint out of the mini-mart, gun it, and I’ll dive in the car.” She’s like, “Oh, my God. What’s…? [laughter] What’s going on?” “I said, ‘I’m going in the mini-mart.’ [laughter] It’s midnight. I could get murdered at any minute out here and you’re playing Words with Friends? Shut it down.” [laughter] You ever approach that– that thing? You don’t even know if it’s open half of the time. You get out of the car and you stop in your tracks. You’re like, “Is this place open?” You’re just looking for a head, something. Somebody taking a Dorito bag, any sign of life in there. [laughter] Then you open the door. You’re sometimes even surprised it opened. [laughter] The floor is always wet. Why is the floor drenched at a gas station at midnight? Are they mopping up from the last murder? Why… [laughter] …is it wet? [laughter] Now, I walk in, right? Stand in line, looking around. For those of you who do Krav Maga, it’s called situational awareness. You look at everything in front of you, trying to figure out what’s happening. Nonverbals. There’s always a guy by the Gatorades, just kind of looking at a Gatorade. [laughter] I’m waiting for him to just reload. [laughter] I’m not getting murdered… at a gas station. I keep to myself. [laughter] I was at home a couple months ago, talking to my father about, like, all this stuff, right? And my father had a bunch of mail on the table. Seventy-two years old, the US Mail becomes the focal point of my father’s day. Just everything in just stacks. You ever look at your parents’ mail? I looked at one piece of mail. It said his name. It said, “Salvatore None Maniscalco.” I said, “Dad, what is this?” He goes, “Yeah, on the application, they asked me for my middle name. I put ‘None’.” [laughter] “What? [laughter] What did you do?” [laughter] He wanted to come over and help me with the… there was a construction job, right? But my dad doesn’t know, you know, I got like a contractor that I got doing this stuff. He’s like, “I’ll come and help you.” I go, “Dad, that’s all right, you know. You forget, you’re 72. What are you gonna do?” I wish I– I wish I knew how to do it. There’s guys in here that know how to build. I’ve got buddies like this. They build, like, a deck on the weekend. [laughter] You go to their house and they’re always like: -“You want to see the deck I built?” -“You built a deck? When?” “Today.” “Today? I took a nap. You built a whole deck?” [laughter] You know guys like this, flatbed F-150? [laughter] Sawdust. Got a shed in the back. Out of wood. I don’t– I don’t do any of this. I gotta hire– I gotta hire a contractor. And this guy could tell me anything, I’d believe him. Every morning he comes down, it’s a different thing. He’s like, “Sebastian, can I talk to you for a second? In my 38 years of contracting, I’ve never seen anything like this. [laughter] The wall, see? It’s a wall. The wall. There’s– There’s a bend in the wall. Come on. Feel it, feel the bend.” Like an idiot, I’m like, “Okay, I’ll feel the bend.” [laughter] -“I don’t really feel it.” -“Well, it’s there. We can leave it. It’s entirely up to you. We can leave this wall as is. But when you’re watching the game on Sunday, the house could fall down on your family. [laughter] You tell me.” [laughter] You ever get a contractor to work at your house? They’ll do the job… They start it, they get a bigger job. Now they pull their whole crew, they work the bigger job, bigger money. Now, you’re sitting there. Nobody. I got no floor, no ceiling. Nothing. [laughter] They send one guy. After five days, one guy comes strolling in. Relaxed, right? He comes strolling in. “Hey.” -“So, where is everybody?” -“I don’t know. I’m here to sweep from side to side. [laughter] Dan told me there’s a lot of dust. I got to sweep it.” [laughter] “I’ve got– I’ve no floor. I– [laughter] What are you guys gonna do here with the floor?” “Oh, with the floor? He told me… [mutters indistinctly] [laughter] He told me he’s gonna put the chingadera on the side… the chingadera. [laughter] What do you know?” I go, “Chingadera”, I’ve never even seen that… [laughter] …in the architectural drawing. I don’t know what you’re talking about. “No, he told me to put the chingadera on the side and tighten it. You know? But I don’t have it, ’cause I don’t got my truck, I got my Ford Festiva. You– You got to go to Home Depot. Eh… [laughter] You gotta go to Home Depot.” [laughter] You ever go to Home Depot? Man, that store… I don’t– I don’t fit in. I don’t even have the wardrobe to walk in there. That’s a lot of brown, beige, boots. Pencil tucked behind the ear, tape measures hanging… Everybody’s measuring… at Home Depot. [laughter] “How much you need? A quarter-eighth of an inch?” [laughter] I don’t know nothing over there. I gotta ask questions. I found a woman that worked there. I’m like, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, to bother you, but, uh, I’ve been here for two hours. I’m, uh… I’m looking for a chingadera for the side.” [laughter] “No, he told me it was a chingadera for the side. You don’t have that here?” You guys have been great. This has been… [cheering and applause] …one fantastic evening. Thank you so… so much, New York City. Thank you up there… in the three tiers. Thank you. [instrumental music plays]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias: One Show Fits All (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-fluffy-iglesias-one-show-fits-all-transcript/

[crowd chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! [Fluffy shouts] Houston! [crowd cheering] [audience] Five, four, three, two, one! [cheering] ♪ Macho, macho man ♪ ♪ I’ve got to be a macho man ♪ ♪ Macho, macho man ♪ ♪ I’ve got to be a macho! ♪ ♪ Macho, macho man ♪ ♪ I’ve got to be a macho man ♪ ♪ Macho, macho man ♪ ♪ I’ve got to be a macho! ♪ How are you? [crowd roars] [Fluffy] Whoo! Oh, man! That’s a long walk. [laughter] Thank you so much, Houston. [crowd cheering] One year ago, this city was flipped upside down by a hurricane, un cabrón named Harvey. [laughter] And they said that this city would never be the same. I think it’s beautiful that, a year later, we’re all here celebrating together the fact that this city is resilient. And you guys persevered. Houston’s strong, baby. [crowd cheering, applauding] That’s serious. In all sincerity, guys, I’m not trying to kiss your ass. I already got your money. [laughter] Freaking Houston. I love this town. I’ve been coming here for 20 years. Twenty years. Started off performing at a comedy club called The Last Stop. [cheering] And then, of course, we jumped over to the Improv, and then– I performed everywhere. I even did a one-nighter in Tomball. [laughter] That’s a long story for the people at home. I won’t even get into that. I want to give you guys a heads-up and let you know now that tonight I feel extra comfortable. You’re going to notice that you might hear a little bit more Spanish than you normally would. And you can’t do that just anywhere, but you can do that in Houston. [cheering and applause] Now, to everyone watching at home who is freaking out, like, “Oh, my God! I didn’t sign up for this.” [laughter] If I say something in Spanish, my promise is to translate immediately so that everyone enjoys the show. Okay? ‘Cause I know the second I said Spanish, people are freaking out, you know. All the people that drove in from the woodlands are like, “Hey!” [laughter] And for everyone at home, what does he mean by that, the people from the woodlands? You know. [laughter] [South Texas accent] “I know he is not referring to us.” [laughter] “The nerve of him!” “He needs to go back where he came from, over by Airline Road.” [laughter] [cheering] That’s right. I know where you keep your brown people. [laughter] This is awesome. This always pisses off Netflix. They’re like, “Gabriel, we really wish you would just do a show that’s general, that everybody understands. Why do you have to make your show so personal? Only people in that city are going to get it.” Well, when you have an arena full of people, you want them to get it. You want that extra personal special touch. I don’t care what they say. I already got the check. [laughter] Ha! So let me give you a heads-up as to what has happened since the last time I did a special. Um, my son, Frankie, is now 19 years old. Nineteen years old, high school graduate, he has all his shots… Ladies? People tell me all the time. “Why do you talk about your son so much?” Because he won’t leave. [laughter] “Does he like it when you talk about him?” I said, “No, he hates it.” “Why do you do it?” “‘Cause he won’t leave.” [laughter] I’ll tell you what he likes to do right now. He likes to sit around the house and watch videos of other kids playing video games. See, some of you are clapping. I didn’t know that was an actual thing. I asked him, “What are you doing?” “I’m watching other kids playing video games.” I said, “That’s– Really? Why?” “Well, they’re professionals.” I’m like, “Why would you watch something that you could be doing?” “‘Cause they’re professionals.” “That’s dumb.” “Really, Dad? Every Sunday I see you watching football. [crowd ooh’s] How come you don’t play?” I don’t even argue. I just cut off the Internet. [laughter] My son’s problem right now is that he has, according to him, too many options. Okay? That’s his problem. I’m like, “Poor guy!” “I have so many options, Dad. I don’t know what to do.” Write them down. Put them on a wheel. Freaking– [mimics spinning wheel] Today: plumber. [laughter] Something! The problem is we go places, people find out he is my son and then they offer him opportunities. He doesn’t understand that that’s not how the real world works. I know about struggling and clawing, and fighting for the opportunity to do something. He doesn’t get it yet. And that’s my fault. For example, I take him and his mom out to dinner, okay? I took them both to Red Lobster. Now, Houston. Me, personally, I love Red Lobster, okay? And not even for the seafood. I’m talking about the biscuits. [cheering] Oh, yeah. [vocalizes] It’s real good. [laughter] So we’re sitting there, and we’re having a conversation with our son about life, opportunity, what does he want to do with himself… And as we’re talking to him, the manager from Red Lobster walks over to our table. And he’s being really cool, right? He’s like, “Hey!” And I’m like, “Hey!” He looks at my son, “Is this the infamous Frankie?” And I say, “Why, yes, it is! He just graduated.” “Congratulations!” “And he’s looking for a job.” The manager goes, “Oh, say no more.” And he gives my son a business card and then he starts to say, “Listen, Frankie, this is all you have to do. Just go online and fill out the application. Once it’s registered, call me personally and I’ll see to it that you get an interview. The only position we have available right now is for a host, but there’s plenty of room for opportunity here at Red Lobster. Besides, you got one hell of a reference.” And then he walked away and I was like, “Oh, my God. I’m going to get free biscuits!” [laughter] My son looks at me and says, “I don’t want to work at Red Lobster.” I said, “Frankie, no one is making you work anywhere. This is just another opportunity that you’re wasting. Okay. No Red Lobster. What’s your plan?” “I don’t know.” I got frustrated. So I raised my voice. “Well, you better start thinking.” His mom didn’t like that. “Don’t talk to him like that.” I said, “Look, biscuit blocker…” [laughter] See, up to this point we have agreed on how we raise our son. But in this situation, she’s trying to protect him from the world. I’m trying to prepare him for the world. If he cannot handle me raising my voice to get his attention to see the bigger picture, he’s not ready for a world that doesn’t care about his feelings. [crowd whooping, applauding] So I said, “You know what? I got to have a one-on-one with him. I got to have a one-on-one with, uh–” [evil laugh] So I take him out to the movies. I take him out to the movies, we get in the car, we take off. [mimics car engine] A little 20-minute drive, okay? As we’re driving I figure I’ll have a little one-on-one with him. Maybe this way it doesn’t feel like a talk talk. I thought he understood what I was trying to say. It’s late. We’re leaving the movies. We’re pulling out of the parking structure and out of the corner of my eye, I see a cop car. And I made a sound, I was like, “Ugh!” And Frankie goes, “What is it, Dad?” I say, “There’s a cop at the light.” “What are you worried about?” “He’s going to stop us.” “How do you know?” “Watch.” [laughter] I made that left turn… [mimics engine and siren chirping] Frankie’s losing it. “It’s happening!” I said, “Relax.” I pull over. [mimics tires screeching] Cop pulls up from behind. [mimics tires screeching] Immediately. [knock-knock] “Driver, windows down.” [groans] [mimics window whirring down] “Driver, hands out the window.” Serious? [laughter] “Both of them.” “I can’t, I’m fat!” [laughter] He gets to the window, and he’s got the flashlight. And he shines the light right in my face. He’s like, “License.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here.” He takes the license and then, of course, you know, “Do you know why I stopped you?” “Officer, no, I don’t, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me.” “You don’t have a front plate on your car.” I said, “Officer, you’re absolutely right. I do not have a front plate on my car, but my name is actually on the front of the car.” “Excuse me?” “My name is on the front of the car.” I own a 2012 Ford Flex and the Ford Flex has the actual word “flex” written on the hood. I have a friend who does custom automotive work and he took all the letters off the car except for the letter F, and he made letters so that it spells “Fluffy” on the hood. Okay? Yeah. -It sounds impressive. -[crowd whooping] You can do it too for like $23. It’s not that bad. They’re like refrigerator magnets. You can even move them. Like, one day a letter flew off and it said “Fuffy”. [laughter] Que pendejo. I know, stupid, right? So… The officer walks around to the front of the car and he takes his flashlight and he shines the light right on the hood, and he does this, he goes, “I knew it!” And my son goes, “What does that mean?” I said, “That means we get to go.” Oh, Houston, for the first time in a long time, my son was actually impressed by something that I did. You got to figure. This is not impressive to my son. Because he grew up in this environment. Okay, this does– You saw that, right? I saw like a– [laughter] That’s like the third one I’ve seen! This stuff keeps– [chuckles] People upstairs from Tomball, “Keep talking.” [laughter] Alright, I’ll tell you guys what happened. Shakira performed here a few days ago. And Shakira has an amazing show, okay? She doesn’t just come out and… [ululates] [humming “Whenever, Wherever” by Shakira] ♪ Together, together ♪ [indistinct] [crowd cheering] I think I just hurt myself. [laughter] But there’s a part of her show, where all of a sudden it was… [puffing] And there’s cannons with confetti that shoot everywhere, right? And I think that was left-over Shakira. [laughter] Can we edit out the part where I burned 800 calories? [laughter] [Fluffy laughs] Oh, my God! So, where was I? Oh! This. Does nothing for my son. and the reason why I say that is because he grew up in this environment. He’s been to a thousand shows. He’s seen me on TV a million times. It’s not a big deal, but the fact that I got stopped by a cop and the cop recognized me and geeked out and let us go, I earned street cred with my kid! [laughter] Yeah, Frankie was like, “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!” And I’m like, “Hell, yeah, cos’. That’s right. You better recognize, player.” [laughter] [mimics engine turning over] We get home, he woke up his mom! “Mom, you should’ve seen it! We got stopped by the cops!” “Are you okay?” “Yeah! They recognized Dad and they let us go.” She stayed quiet and I told her, “Huh? I got recognized!” And she said, “Ah!” [laughter] So my son, what he likes to do now, like I said, Frankie likes to stay home and watch videos. I come downstairs one morning and he’s on his phone, but the chair that he’s sitting in is turned, facing the window, which I thought was weird. So I called to him, “Frankie, what are you doing?” Nothing. So he can’t hear– “Frankie!” He can’t hear. So I walked up from behind, and I realized that my son has little headphones. That’s– Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, he’s not ignoring me. So I look over his shoulder, and I realize that my son is watching a film. [crowd ooh’s] And I don’t mean Frozen. [laughter] But those people look cold. [laughter] So now I’m standing there watching it with him. I’m not trying to bond or anything. I’m just trying to figure out the conversation I need to have and now we’re both watching professionals. [laughter] So I grabbed his headphone and I went… “Hey, is that a good movie?” And he freaked out! [screams] And he threw the phone. The phone came partially undone and you could hear it. Oh, it was bad. “Not my face, not my face, not my face.” He turned bright red and he starts walking back over. “How embarrassing. How long have you been standing there?” I said, “Long enough to know ‘not my face.'” [laughter] “Are you going to tell my mom?” I said, “Frankie, I love you way too much to do that to you. I would never tell your mom. I’mma tell everybody else.” [laughter] [laughs] Hey, don’t tell his mom. [laughter] I said, “Look, I know you’re not going to stop watching stuff like this. So just do me a favor. Don’t do this here. You’re old enough now to watch whatever you want to watch. But as long as you live in this house, you cannot be watching stuff like that where your mom can catch you. You’re not going to stop, so just don’t do it here.” “How do you know I’m not gonna stop?” “‘Cause I haven’t stopped. [laughter] Matter of fact, there’s a sequel to that. [laughter] It’s called Not my hair.” He said to me, “Que cochino!” I know right? [panting] I said, “Frankie, you’re going to watch stuff like that, just go in your room. Lock your door. I don’t want to catch you. Okay, so let me know.” “Want me to text you?” Never mind. [laughter] I’m in the middle of trying to deal with this whole situation with my son watching these videos and not going to work, and while I’m doing this, I get the most random phone call I’ve ever gotten. My publicist calls me up and she’s like, “Gabe! Snoop Dogg is looking for you.” -“Excuse me?” -“Snoop Dogg, you know–” “I know who Snoop Dogg is! What do you mean, he’s looking for me?” “Well, he’s looking–” “Is he looking for me or is he looking for me?” “He’s a fan and he wants to interview you.” “Oh, cool! Sounds good. What is it?” “I think it’s some type of podcast.” “I’m in. Can I bring Frankie?” “Absolutely.” “Cool.” So I hang up the phone. I’m excited. I want to tell my son. I’m like, “Frankie! I’m walking towards your room.” [laughter] I’ll be at your door in three, two, one. Hey! Alright, you’re dressed. Good. Come on, let’s go. “Where are we going?” “Watch.” We get in the car. [mimics engine] And now we’re off on this adventure to go do an interview with Snoop Dogg. You guys, let me tell you something. We get to the neighborhood and we’re lost. The GPS says we’re there, but we’re lost. We’re looking for a house, and there’s no house, just a big building. And so I’m like, “This doesn’t look– A podcast? Really?” So I pull up to the security gate. [mimics engine, tires screeching] Tap the button on the wall. [beep, line trilling] “Security desk. Can I help you?” Hey, Security Desk. My name is Gabriel Iglesias. I think I’m here to do an interview with Snoop Dogg. “Okay, one moment.” Oh, okay, this is it. Good, good. I’m so excited. Snoop Dogg! It’s gonna be cool, right? [laughter] “Sir?” “Yes?” “Yes, hi, there’s no Gilbert Ignazios on file.” What? “Could it be another name?” “Another name? I don’t know. Fluffy, maybe?” [beep] And the gate starts to open. [laughter] I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m officially in the rappers’ world because my real name doesn’t mean shit!” [laughter] So we drive in. [mimics engine] And we’re passing all of these reserved parking spaces. Reserved, reserved, reserved, reserved. And we get to my space, which is basically an orange cone that has “Fluffy” handwritten on it. And a bunch of other names crossed off. [laughs] So Frankie moves the cone. I park the car. [vocalizes] We walk into the building. My publicist is waiting for me, right? She’s like, “Gabe! You made it. Frankie, how are you? Listen. I just finished talking to Snoop. [sighs] Wow. He is everything you think he is and just a little bit more. He is so sweet. I cannot believe he was charged with double murder.” [laughter] “He told me to just walk you guys into the studio and he’ll be right back. He said he had to go outside and get in the right headspace or something…” “Okay, cool.” So she walks us into Snoop’s studio. I’m thinking I’m there for a podcast, come to find out it’s for a TV show. Snoop has a TV show where he interviews celebrities. Everyone in the room is waiting for Snoop to return. You can hear the small talk. [indistinct babbling, giggling] [crowd laughs] All of a sudden, everyone stands up and I’m looking around like, “What’s going on?” And I look at the door to see if Snoop’s walking in and I don’t see him and I could see my son. “Dad!” [muffled screaming] I don’t realize it, but Snoop is entering the room through a different door. I don’t realize it till, like, the last second. I’m like, “What do you–” So I jump up, I push in my chair. I’m so nervous, I don’t know how to address him. So I’m like… [laughter] I felt stupid. “Hi.” [laughter] Snoop walks over to me and he’s so cool, you guys. He’s so cool. He walks over to me and he grabs my hand. He’s really strong. He pulls me in and he says, “Yo, what it do, baby boo, how you feel?” [laughter, applause] “Thank you for having me.” “Yeah.” -“Can I sit down?” -“For sure.” [mimics chair] I sit down, I look over, I see my son. My son’s like… [laughter] The difference between Snoop’s show versus any other talk show I’ve ever done is that usually there’s a person, like a producer or a director who comes to you and gives you information, like how the show begins, topics you’re going to cover, how you go to commercial, how you come back from commercial… I’ve spoken to no one. Snoop just starts talking and at some point, they hit “Record.” I’m waiting for “Action!” or a buzzer. [mimics buzzer] Something! Snoop just starts talking to me. “Yo, what up, big Fluff?” “Big Fluff? Oh, that’s– Hey!” [laughter] “Yo, you like music?” “Snoop, I love music. I love your music.” “Yeah, that’s what’s up.” He opens up a laptop computer and then he hits “play.” And the next thing I know, we are listening to hardcore Mexican banda music. I mean hardcore. [vocalizing] And you can hear gunshots in the song. [laughter] [humming, mimics gunshots] [humming, mimics gunshots] [humming] And then a cow. [moos] [laughter] And the whole time Snoop is like, “I love it when he go moo.” [laughter] What? I feel like he’s messing with me because I’m Mexican, right? So I called him out. I said, “Snoop. Do you understand what you’re listening to?” And he said this, and it’s scared me. He said, “Gangster recognize gangster.” [crowd ooh’s] The reason why it scared me was because he was telling the truth. We were listening to actual Mexican cartel songs that don’t play on the radio. And the fact that he knew that, the fact that his level of street knowledge in another language was that on point, I said, “I gotta shut the hell up.” [laughter] Don’t speak unless spoken to. That’s the code. Next thing I know, Snoop reaches under the desk and he pulls out the biggest blunt I have ever seen. [crowd gasps] Oh, this sucker was huge. As soon as he pulled out that freaking blunt, got excited because I wanted to grab my cell phone. Okay, I wanted to grab my cell phone so that I could take a selfie of Snoop in the background being Snoop. So while I’m fumbling trying to get my phone, Snoop starts talking to me again. “Yo, Big Fluff?” Yeah, what? “Hit that while I hit this.” [laughter] The second I went like that, all of the cameras in the room: red light. Red light. Red light. Red light. Red light. My publicist is like, “No!” My son is like, “Yeah!” And now I’m being faced, bro. I’m being faced with a serious situation, because, you know, I’ve talked about friends participating and doing stuff like this, but I’ve never openly talked about myself… You know… And now I realized that from this moment forward, people are going to know what happened here with Snoop. So I started trying to find ways to justify it to myself. You know… If you’re going to do something like this on camera, you want it to be with Snoop. [laughter] You want it to be with Snoop, Cheech and Chong… [crowd cheering] …or Willie Nelson. [crowd cheering] Next thing I know, the manager hands me a lighter. I light it and I take a big hit. [sucking] So listen, I’m doing my best to hold in all this smoke, because I don’t want to look like a punk in front of Snoop Dogg. I’m trying, I’m fighting, bro. It’s hard, you know. [holding cough in] [laughter] The whole time Snoop is like, “Hell, yeah. That’s what I’m saying. Fluffy going puffy today.” [laughter] I do not remember the rest of the interview. What I remember is my buddy Anthony telling Snoop Dogg and I to stand up for a picture. “Stand up, get up for a picture.” And so Snoop and I both stand up to take this picture. I put my arm around him. I have to put my arm around him because he’s much taller than me, okay? Snoop has me by at least five inches. Shut up, alright? [laughs] [crowd cheering] You guys are laughing at the wrong jokes! [laughter] [Fluffy laughs] Bow-wow! [laughter] [low-pitched] Bow-wow. Everybody’s like, “This is a family show!” Well, apparently, that’s how families are made. That was too funny, sir. That was too funny. It’s sad how hard she laughed at that as she looked right at you. [laughter] I said, “Snoop has me by at least five inches,” and she’s like… [shrieks] Almost like she wasn’t even laughing at me. She was like laughing at you. So apparently you guys have some story that I just reignited. And now it’s awkward for all the kids. [laughter] So anyway… Snoop and I are taking photos, and then I can hear my son. “Dad! Dad!” [gasps] “Oh! Um, Snoop, can my son take a photo with you?” “Yeah.” “Get over here!” And so Frankie runs up, you guys, and he’s so cute, because he’s geeking out really hard. He’s like… [laughter] “Snoop, this is my son, Frankie. Frankie, say hello to Snoop.” And Snoop looks at me, and he’s so cool, Snoop is like… “Yo, this your kid? What up, Baby Fluff?” [laughter] And Frankie’s like… [laughter] “I don’t like that name.” “That’s too bad. Get a job, go. Go.” So Snoop and Frankie go into the corner to take pictures. Meanwhile, I walk back over to the desk, because I want to grab the sheet that has Snoop’s name and my name on it. I want to have Snoop autograph it so that I can frame it and put it on my wall. While I’m doing that, Frankie walks up from behind me and he whispers in my ear, trying to be all cool. “Dad! Dad!” “Huh? What? What?” “Dad, would it be okay if I finish smoking that with Snoop?” [laughter] Now I am being faced with the biggest moral decision of my life. And I’m high. And my mind is racing a thousand miles an hour. I’m like, “Should I let him, should I not? Am I a good dad, am I a bad dad? What’s his mom gonna think? I need a Snickers.” I’m just– And then I thought about it. “You know… Frankie, you’re over 18. Technically, you don’t have to ask me if you don’t want to, so as far as I’m–” [laughter] “Where’d you go?” A minute later, I am recording my son in a cloud with Snoop Dogg. [crowd cheering] And then I sent the video to his mom. [laughter] Hashtag biscuit blocker. Yes, I did. [laughter] Now, did this actually happen? Yes, it did. You can go online and watch the video on YouTube. Punch in “Snoop Dogg”, next to that put “Fluffy” or “Gabriel” and you can see the whole thing. Let me know how it turns out. [laughter] The fact that I got to meet Snoop was awesome. He looked for me. But every now and then, I go out and I want to meet people, I want to see cool things. For example, comedy. I’m a huge fan of comedy. Not just performing it. But I love going to shows. I go to a comedy show every now and then, alone. Now, I don’t know if that sounds weird to you guys, but for me to do anything nowadays by myself… It’s my crew. All the people that work for me, they freak out when I go places. They’re always concerned for my safety. “What if someone tries to kidnap you?” [laughter] Well, they’re going to earn it. [laughter] I got into a fight with some of my team members and I said, “You know what? I’m going out.” I bought myself a ticket and I went to go watch Chris Rock, one night, in concert. [crowd cheering] Now, I says, “You know what? Maybe I can make my way backstage and, I don’t know, if I get lucky, maybe I’ll say hi to him. I’ve always wanted to meet him.” So I go to the side of the stage and I run into security. And I said, “Hey!” He looked at me and said, “Fluffy!” When he did that, I said, “Hey, listen, I forgot my keys, I’ll be right back.” And the guy’s like, “Yeah, keep going, get your keys.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, that shit worked!” [laughter] Just like that, I snuck backstage at a Chris Rock concert. Once I was behind the curtain, I was in my element. I knew where everything was. I knew where the food was, I knew where the dressing rooms were, where the bathrooms were… I’m walking around with a soda, people are coming up to me. “We didn’t know you were going to be here.” “I got a call last minute.” [laughter] “Looking for my keys.” [laughter] I says, “You know what, I got this far. I’m going to push it. I want to meet him.” I’ve always wanted to meet Chris Rock. It was not hard. Once I was back there, I just had to go to the dressing rooms. All I had to do was read the name on the door. I’m standing there, in front of the door, and I’m hyperventilating. [panting] [mimics knocking] The door opens up and there’s this man in there, this bodyguard who’s just massive. I’m a big guy, but damn, he was huge! As soon as he opened the door… [low-pitched growl] [mimics whooshing] [roaring] For real. Welcome to Jurassic– Big! Grandote. And I’m standing there and I’m like… “Hi.” And he’s like, “Can I help you?” “Yes, my name is Gabriel, I’m a comedian. And I wanted to see if I could say hi to Chris Rock if that’s possible.” “You say you comedian?” “Yes.” “Well, then you understand Chris is going over his material right now. He really ain’t trying to talk to nobody. So I’ll tell you what, player, if you want to come by after the show, You’re more than welcome to, but right now it’s not a good time. Chris Rock is a busy man.” [clicks tongue, sighs] [laughter] “Can I wave?” “Excuse me?” “Can I wave?” “What you mean?” “Can I wave to Chris? I don’t have to come in. Can I wave?” Chris Rock is in the room. He can hear the stupid conversation that’s taking place. [laughter] I know this because I can hear Chris Rock in the background. “What’s going on? Who’s at the door? Move out the way.” “Yo, Chris, I got this, man. I got this.” “Move!” “Alright.” The guy stands to the side. And now I’m looking at Chris Rock. And he recognized me. And it freaked me out. Oh, yeah, it freaked me out. He’s like, “Oh, shit! Look who it is. Look who it is. It’s the king of the Mexicans.” [laughter] Chris Rock called me the king of the Mexicans. For the rest of the show, everyone referred to me as “El Chapo.” I was celebrating the fact that I got away with that for so long. For so long! “I snuck backstage at Chris Rock! I snuck backstage, I snuck–“ Until Karma showed up one day, in the form of the most extreme fan I have ever had in 20 years of me being a comedian. I had someone who not only made it backstage. This person paid to get into my dressing room. Okay? Yeah. He didn’t pay me, by the way. He didn’t pay me. I’m an honest hoe. Okay? I made no money that day, alright? If I had gotten paid, you wouldn’t be hearing this story. Here’s the thing. I walk into my dressing room from the bathroom. I just finished showering up and I’m in a towel. I walk into the room, come to find out later that this man was a very wealthy businessman in the community, okay? And when I walked into the room, he’s wearing a very, very nice suit. So when I saw the suit, I didn’t give it a second thought, because he looked professional. I thought maybe he was the general manager of the building, one of the concert promoters, he could have been someone’s agent… So when I walked in the room, in my towel, right, “Can I help you?” He looks at me and it was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had. He looks at me and says, “Listen. [inhales deeply, exhales] [laughter] I am not here to waste any of your time. Fluffy, I am prepared to take care of you. I will give you a new Lexus. And an allowance that’s more than what you make as a comedian. Leave with me.” [laughter] I was never more disgusted and offended at the fact that I was not gay. [laughter] Because finally! Finally, somebody wants to take care of me. [cheering, applause] Do you know how many people I take care of? No one’s ever offered me a Lexus, and they should. I felt horrible saying no to this guy. I still think about it. [laughter] I still have the number. [laughter] Houston, I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t know how this is going to go over, but I’m going to say it. I would be an amazing gay partner. [laughter] I would! All the way up until that one part, but even then. [laughter] Have you ever driven a Lexus? [laughter] Those are nice! Sometimes you got to take one for your own team. I’m just saying. [laughter] Now, in all seriousness, not to be funny, not to be disrespectful, let me tell you the reason why I would be an amazing gay partner. The level, the level of communication between two men is so high, I might actually get an answer. There might be clarity and understanding. I might hear a yes, I might hear a no. Do you know how many relationships I have been in where I still don’t know the outcome to certain conversations? [laughter] Very simple “yes or no” questions. That’s what I would do. Something as simple as… Bebé, you hungry? “Well… I haven’t eaten yet, so I probably should eat something, but I’m not feeling it right now. But if I don’t eat right now, you know how I’m gonna get later. So I guess it’s probably a good idea if I start eating right now, but it really depends on the options. What do you think?” Ah! What about this one? Bebé, where would you like to eat? [laughter] You hear all the guys? “Finally! I’m not alone!” Everybody’s pointing at somebody right now. Guys, am I right? This has to be– You would think that this is the safest question in the world to ask, but it’s not. “Well… Just pick something. You know me, I go with the flow. Whatever you decide is okay with me. You know me already, just pick something.” “Alright, we’re going to Burger King.” “I don’t like Burger King. Why do we got to go to Burger King? Burger King gives me chorro.” [laughter] Chorro is Mexican diarrhea. How about this one? “How do you feel?” “Really? Really? You want to know how I feel? Well, maybe if you’d pay attention from time to time, you might know how I feel. You might not need to have to ask me such a question, because you would already know exactly how I feel. You might have time and energy. I’m exhausted to let you know how I feel and you have the nerve to ask me ‘How do you feel?'” Now imagine the exact same conversation between me and Mr. Lexus. [laughter] Do you know how efficient that conversation would be? “Hey, bro! You hungry?” “I thought you’d never ask.” “What do you want to eat?” “Whatever you want to eat.” “We’re going to Burger King.” “I love Whoppers.” [laughter] “Me, too!” We go to Burger King and we tear it up. We get back home and I ask him, “Hey, how do you feel?” “Horny.” [laughter] “Me, too! How do you want to do this? Heads or tails?” [laughter] It would be efficient! [applause] This is hypothetical. But believe me, I still think about it, you know? Especially whenever I get into fights with my girl and she says something like, “Oh, you think you can do better?” I know I can have a Lexus. [laughter] I don’t know, man. I know we’re in the middle of a Netflix taping. Whoever is running the light up there, just want to make sure, ’cause I keep moving. And I stepped out of your light twice. Any other show, I’d be like, “No problem, no big deal.” But this is for Netflix. It’s the people that replaced Comedy Central. [crowd ooh’s] But no, I’ll try not to move too fast, but how slow are you if you can’t keep up with me? [laughter] You should work for Immigration. [laughter] I’m just giving you a hard time. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Ladies and gen– I apologize for that. Can we give a big round of applause to our person running the spotlight up there? [applause] I honestly don’t think that the people that work behind the scenes, like spotlight operators, get enough credit. Whether it’s spotlight operators, the people that run the cameras, the people that set up the stages, the people that work security, the people that run the building. Without them, there is no show. And the same thing goes with me. I got my own support team: managers, agents, promoters, you know, freaking merchandise people. I have a bus driver named Dave, who has never received any credit. And he’s been working for me for almost 10 years now. This man… [cheering and applause] This man has successfully gotten me to every single comedy show on time, without fail. [crowd cheering] If I had to describe him to you, okay? Dave looks like the word ‘Murica. [laughter] Not “America.” ‘Murica! He’s about six feet tall and he’s white. He has a gray beard and he wears a trucker hat. And he’s got to be one of the most hardworking people I have ever met. When I say hardworking, Hey, I’m on the road 46 weeks out of the year. So I know. The difference is I fly home every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Dave stays on that bus and he gets it to the next city, where we meet him. He works anniversaries, holidays, special moments. Christmas time, I was with my family. Dave was driving that bus on the East Coast. New Year’s, I was with my family. Dave was on the East Coast driving that bus. One of the hardest working people I’ve ever met. I just want to give a shout-out. [applause, cheering] In addition to being hardworking, he’s, uh– He’s very honest. When I say honest, I don’t mean “Oh, he does his taxes right.” I mean painfully honest. No-filter honest. He talks the way people used to. He does not have time to mince words. He just calls it like he sees it. Before me, he used to work with a man by the name of Kenny G. Grammy Award winner, amazing, amazing music. Um… one day, Kenny G was on his tour bus that Dave was driving, and I guess the two of them had a little discussion and Kenny G used some words that Dave would’ve rather him not have used. And instead of getting into it with him, this is what Dave does. [mimics engine, tires screeching] [brake hissing, door whooshing] Kicked Kenny G off of his own bus. [laughter] Because he would rather lose his job than lose his self-respect. And that’s the man I work with. [cheering, applause] He’s a bad dude. You guys are clapping, but you should’ve seen the interview. Oh, man, it was a good one. [laughs] He looks at me and he says, “Hey! Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t give a shit who you are. You treat me right, I’ll treat you right. You pay me on time, you’ll live. [laughter] Not to mention the fact that he keeps that tour bus squeaky clean. And he takes a lot of pride in that as well. One night, I was drinking on the bus, and I go to put my cup down. And I miss the table, and the cup hit the floor. I didn’t get up right away to get the cup, because I figured I’ll get up in a couple minutes and make myself another drink, I’ll pick up the cup then. Dave sees the cup on the floor, and then he looks at me and says, “Hey! I ain’t your mama. Pick that shit up!” [laughter] I get to the back of the bus and I’m like, “Wait a minute, I pay him.” “Hey, Dave…” “Shut up!” “Yeah, I’ll be in the back, in my room. Thank you. Drive safe.” And people tell me, “You work with a man who talks that way to you? Why?” Let me tell you why. Because he’s honest. With Dave, you know exactly what you get. Nowadays, it’s so hard for me to tell who’s being genuine and who has an agenda, and with him, you know exactly where you stand. If he likes you, he loves you. And if not, you’re on the curb with Kenny G. [laughter] That being said, I have a story to share. [scattered whooping] About a year and a half ago, maybe longer, we’re on the bus and we’re heading down the highway. [mimics bus thrumming] Just so you have kind of an understanding of the bus layout. Let’s say this is the front. Here’s Dave, the driver. Empty seat. And then a sliding door that goes in between him and the rest of the tour bus. My buddy Alfred and I are in the living room portion and we’re watching TV. We’re watching the news, and on the news, there’s this person who is running for some type of office. No particular office. [laughter] And I guess their big plan is to erect a structure… [laughter] …between two bodies of land. [laughter] Somewhere. And I guess they want one side of the structure to finance the entire project. Well, my buddy Alfred and I have a lot of family that works in construction and we know a bad job when we see one. So we started to voice our opinion out loud about how we felt about this person and what they wanted to do. We’re being very loud. So loud, Dave can hear us and then we hear Dave. [exaggerated laugh] “‘Murica.” [laughter] I yell out to Dave, I say, “Be quiet, Dave. This isn’t about you.” He taps a button on the dashboard that activates the sliding door. And when the door is about that far from closing, he yells out, “I’m building a wall.” [thud] [laughter] I couldn’t even get upset because I was too much in shock over the fact that that came out of someone four feet away from me. My buddy Alfred and I, we looked like chickens. We’re like… [clucking noises] My cell phone goes off. [mimics phone vibrating] I take out my phone and there’s a text message. From Dave. [laughter] And I said, “That’s right. He better say, ‘I’m sorry.’ He better say, ‘Just kidding.'” I open up the text message and it says, “And you’re paying for it.” [laughter, applause] And people tell me, “You still work with him after that?” Yes, I do. I trust that man with my life every single night. I know where his heart’s at. He can say whatever he wants. At the end of the day, he still has to drive around the king of the Mexicans. [laughter] [whooping, applause] The point to this story is just because you have a difference in opinion, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have respect for one another, you can’t have love for one another, that you can’t have incredible friendships with one another. It’s our differences that make us special. What a lot of us need to work on is our delivery. It’s all in the way you say things. That’s why text messages are always misinterpreted. ‘Cause you read the text according to how you feel. “What does he mean, ‘Hello’?” Yeah. Anyway, Dave has gotten us to 48 of the 50 states. He doesn’t travel with us outside of America. He prefers it that way. Last year, we got a chance to do a European tour of 15 countries. Estonia, Germany, Norway, Belgium, the Netherlands, UK… We’re just bouncing around all over the place. And then we wound up on the other side of the world. Out of all the countries I performed in, my favorite country outside of home is Australia. And I’ll tell you why. Australia, much like us in America, has its list of priorities. You know what’s not on their list? Political correctness. They do not care about your feelings. It’s like a country full of Daves. [laughter] Believe it or not, it’s very refreshing to be around such a large group of people who speak their minds so freely. And if you know that before you go there, you’re going to have an amazing time, but if you don’t know that and you show up, it is a culture shock and a half, because I showed up and I didn’t know. Everybody says you got to see the beaches and I went to the beach. I had people coming up to me. “Hey! Somebody help me get him back in the water.” [laughter] “Yeah, right there, big fella. Look at you, right there. Oh, wait, he’s moving. He’s moving, he’s moving. Oh, he’s crying! He’s crying! I bet it tastes like gravy.” [laughter] It’s not bullying if everyone does it. Yeah, that being said, I’m in Australia. Sydney, Australia, at the Opera House, for me, was one of the most iconic places I’ve ever got to perform in and it was bucket list, definitely. After the show, I want to go hang out with some Aussies see what that was like. I’m hanging out at a pub. First things first. Australian people do not drink Foster’s beer. That’s an American thing. They don’t drink that over there. I tried ordering one to fit in, didn’t go over well. Bartender looked at me, “You like the taste of piss, do ya?” [laughter] “Okay, don’t order that again.” So I’m hanging out with these two Aussies and we’re drinking a rum called Bundaberg. At first glance, it looks like a Coca-Cola bottle because there’s a polar bear on the front and then you drink it and you’re like, “That’s not Coke.” [laughter] As we’re talking, a third Australian joined the conversation, and he sounded a little bit different from the other two. He had more of a raspy voice. More like… [growls indistinctly] He sounded like a drunk pirate underwater. [laughter] These two guys didn’t like him, so they called him a name and they left, and now it’s just me and drunk pirate. We’re talking about life. Life in America, life in Australia, talking about our differences. He tells me that he’s a professional knife maker. He’s showing me how it’s done, he’s showing me pictures. We wind up polishing off three bottles of this rum. And drunk wasn’t even the right word to describe our level. My tour manager Ryan, he comes up to me and he says, “Gabe, time to go.” And I look at Ryan and I’m like, “But Ryan, I just made a friend and he makes knives and they’re pretty.” My tour manager always knows how to talk to me no matter what condition I’m in. If I’m drunk, he knows better than to talk to me like I’m an adult. He talks to me like I’m two. He looks at me and he says, “Hey, buddy. [laughter] You hungry? [laughter] Well, listen, if we don’t leave right now, they’re gonna close McDonald’s and you’re going to have to eat at the airport.” I gotta go. “Alright, mate, you gotta go, you gotta go. No worries.” And he goes to shake my hand. And when he shook my hand, he put his personal pocket knife that he made in my hand as a gift. “That’s for you, mate. Thanks for being nice.” “Thank you! Thank you! I’ll cut cheeseburgers with this.” [laughter] We leave, and we head to the restaurant. [mimics engine] The manager at the restaurant recognized me. He’s a big fan. And he said, “Hey, stay as long as you like.” Shouldn’t have said that. The plan was do the show, go have some drinks, get a bite to eat, go to the hotel, shower up and then go to the airport. We stayed so long at the restaurant, we had to go straight to the airport. So we get there, and you don’t sober up in like two hours, after three bottles of rum. I was not in airport condition. [laughter] And so my tour manager has one hand on each shoulder, right? Ryan’s trying to push me through the airport, and, you know, he’s about 190. I’m not. [laughter] And he’s pushing me with everything. [laughter] And he gets me all the way to airport security. And airport security in Australia, you don’t have to take off your shoes, and I didn’t worry about taking off a belt because I don’t wear a belt, ’cause I have a butt. So he lines me up with airport security and he tells me, “I got to let you go.” “Don’t let me go.” “I got to let you go.” “Don’t let me go!” And then he pushed me, and I’m going forward. And he yells out, “You’re a plane!” and the two-year-old came out. “I’m a plane!” [laughter, applause] And now this Fluffy 747 is headed right for the metal detector, and I can see the security officer on the other side. [laughter] And when I got really close, Ryan yells out, “Wings down! Wings down!” And I went through and I didn’t touch the edges, but when I went through… [beep] -[man in the crowd] The knife. -[crowd gasps] I sobered up for half a second because I realized, Oh, my God, I forgot to check the knife that the guy gave me and it’s on me and I’ve already cleared the freaking… You know… So I’m like… The security officer does this. “Eh, go ahead.” [laughter] Houston, sober me would have internally celebrated the fact that I am not going to prison for sneaking a knife past airport security and boarding a flight. Drunk me was offended. [laughter] Oh, you can ask my buddy, Ryan was right behind me. I looked at the security officer and I said, “Hey! Hey! How do you know? How do you know I’m not a terrorist?” And I can hear my friends in line. “Fuck!” [laughter] The security officer in uniform, wearing a badge, looks at me and says, “Hey, when have you ever seen a fat terrorist?” [laughter] “Eh, look at him. He’s crying. I bet it tastes like gravy.” [laughter] Yeah. -You guys, I gotta tell you– -[man] We love you, Fluffy! What happened, bro? [man] We love you! Do you have a Lexus? [laughter] ‘Cause I’m not passing that up again. [laughter] [laughing] Sorry. I just– But thank you. [laughing] Actually, I’ve had some pretty awesome times over the last 20 years. And whenever I talk to fans, they have certain questions about my past, whether it’s my family, my upbringing, where my mom came from, where my dad came from… Certain stories. I love the fact that I had someone ask me one time, “In your 20-plus years as a comedian, what has been your greatest moment?” My greatest moment wasn’t even something that happened at a show, but it was because of what I was able to do for someone very special to me. My mom, who is no longer with us, she meant everything to me. She was my biggest supporter, even though she would never laugh at my jokes. She would get mad at her friends that wouldn’t laugh. -“¿Pendejo, por que no te ríes?” -[laughter] How come you don’t laugh? I did something really awesome for my mom before she passed away. I took her to go see a man by the name of Vicente Fernandez. [crowd cheering] In concert. now if you’re not familiar with who Vicente Fernandez is, he is basically Mexican Elvis. But he’s still alive. [laughter] So a few years ago, Vicente Fernandez and myself were both performing at the same venue, a venue called the Gibson Amphitheatre in Los Angeles. It is no longer there. A woman by the name of Emily was running the building. I was there the week before Vicente Fernandez, and after three sold-out shows she comes up to me and says, “Gabriel, thank you so much for this incredible business. We’re so happy with how the shows turned out. I have a question for you. Is your mom a fan of Vicente Fernandez?” I said, “Emily, my mom’s Mexican. [laughter] It’s the law.” [laughter] “I thought so. Listen, Vicente Fernandez is going to be performing here next week. And I wanted to do something very special for you to show my appreciation. Do you think you and your mom would like to come see him perform and I’ll get you front-row center?” I said, “Emily, that sounds amazing. I’m pretty sure the answer is yes, but my mom is old school, so I still got to ask. I’ll call you.” So I get to my mom’s house, and I see her. “Mama.” “Dime, mi hijo.” Mi hijo in Spanish means “my son.” So my mom would always tell me that, my son, mi hijo. Mi hijo. “Dime, mi hijo.” “Tell me, my son.” I said, “Mom, would you like to go see Vicente Fernandez in concert?” And she looked at me and said, “Mi hijo, that sounds nice.” That’s exactly how she said it. She was very even-keeled. She wouldn’t show a lot of emotion. So I call Emily and I said my mom’s in. “Awesome. I’ll see you next week.” So we get to the venue and we’re early, so they have us in this little VIP section where they’re giving us free drinks and free snacks, and my mom was so cute. She walks up to me and she says, “Mi hijo, are the drinks free?” I said, “Mom, yeah, the drinks are free, but don’t worry about it.” “No, no, no, mi hijo, I didn’t bring any money. I don’t have no money.” I said, “Mom, you made an ATM. You’re good.” [laughter] [cheering, applause] The messed up part is that she didn’t even like drinking. She just wanted to walk around with a couple of drinks so she’d look like she was part of the party. -[laughter] -You know? So she’s got a couple drinks, and as it was, when she’d walk around, she’d have a little bit of a limp, because she had just had toe surgery a couple months prior. So she had kind of like a little– It looked like she was dancing. [vocalizing] So she’s walking around. Here comes Emily. “Gabriel, you made it!” I go, “Yeah, this is my mom. Emily, this is my mom, Esther. Mom, this is Emily.” “They’re free!” “She knows they’re free. She made this happen.” “Oh, thank you, thank you! You’re the one who hired mi hijo. Gracias. Thank you so much.” Emily goes, “Can I talk to you for a second?” “Sure. Mom, I’ll be right back. What’s up, Emily?” “Gabriel, do you think your mom would you like to meet Vicente Fernandez right now?” I said, “Emily, let me tell you something… [laughter] …if she says no, I want to meet him. [laughter] I’ll be right back.” “Mamá.” “Dime, mi hijo”. Emily wants to know if you would like to meet Vicente Fernandez right now. “Mi hijo, that sounds nice.” “Alright. Emily, she’s in.” Emily goes, “Is she even a fan?” I go, “Trust me, that’s her reaction. She’s good. She has the whole house covered with Vicente Fernandez records and cassettes. Okay? We’re good.” So Emily comes back. And she puts the special VIP bracelets on us with a little click, and she walks us through a door into the backstage area. As soon as we went through the door, I knew exactly where we were. I was just there a week ago. So I got my mom arm in arm, and we’re walking down the hallway, okay? Come on, Mama. Let’s go. Let’s go. We’re walking down the hallway, and we’re getting closer and closer to Vicente Fernandez’s dressing room. The door is wide open, and I can hear a commotion coming out of the dressing room. [shrieking] And then a man and a woman exit the room and the man is holding on to the woman’s shoulders and he’s like, “It’s okay, it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay.” And the woman looks destroyed. Okay? [wailing] Mascara is running down her face. My mom sees that and she’s like, “Mi hijo, did you see that? Did you see the mascara… [shrieks] With the mascara– Parece puta la cabrona.” [laughter] Sorry. Puta means “friendly.” [laughter] So we get by the door, and the closer we get, we start to see a guy in the room. Then he comes to the door. In the room, there’s three people, okay? There’s Vicente Fernandez, the photographer and a handler. The handler comes to the door, and you can tell by his voice that he works for like a Mexican radio station, ’cause he’s got that voice. “Hola! Hola! Pasale! Pasale!” Pasale in Spanish means “come on in.” So we start to walk into the room. And let me tell you guys something, If you grew up listening to Vicente Fernandez from a young age, and you get the opportunity to meet him, it is seriously a religious experience. My mom and I are entering the room, the only thing missing is the freaking… [imitates cleric speaking Latin] [laughter] You don’t look at him. You look at the floor. Out of respect, you just look at the floor. “Come on, Ma”. We get all the way up to him and I see boots. And when I see the boots, my mom and I both just… [laughter] He knows what you’re doing. He knows you’re checking him out. So what he does is he poses, okay? Vicente stands there and he poses. He’ll have the sombrero, the hat, to his side. And then, he doesn’t look at you. He looks away. [laughter] And he sticks his chest out and he stands there looking like a big-ass bottle of Tapatio at Costco. [laughter] [applause] And then he looked at me. [mimics whooshing] And he recognized me. not as a comedian, but because I was there the week before and my photo was hanging outside his door. It was whoever is there last, they always rotate the photo. So he sees me and he’s like, “Mi hijo, tu eres el muchacho que esta en la foto ahí afuera.” “Yeah, that’s me outside, yeah. Hola!” [laughter] “Oh. Vicente, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Le presento… mi mamá!” [laughter] I’m like, “Oh, my God. I think I just offered up my mom to Vicente Fernandez.” [laughter] She’s like 73. “Better late than never, Mom, get him!” My mom starts walking up to, Vicente. He was so nice. He goes out to shake my mom’s hand and my mom grabs his hand. And I don’t know where she got this strength and energy from, but she grabbed him and pulled him in. Hard, like the video game. “Get over here!” And then hooked him. She hooked him and she starts screaming into his chest. “Mi Chente!” I’m like, “Oh, my God. She’s getting horny.” [laughter] And he knew, too! ‘Cause he was like, “Quitamela! Quitamela!” The photographer, the handler and me. The three of us is what it took to pull her off of Vicente. We sit her down, she’s bawling. [wailing] Mascara is running down her face. [laughter] The photographer shaking his head. I guess Vicente had dinner earlier that night. He was eating barbecue, ’cause they had those wet naps. Barbecue wet naps. And so we take the wet naps and we start cleaning the mascara off my mom’s face. We stand her up. We posed her and we took the picture. Emily comes over and she takes us and she escorts us to our seats in the front. And for three hours… for three hours, my mom was on her feet listening to him and she refused to sit down. “Mom, you should sit down–” “No, ¿cómo qué? És el Chente.” Holding a shot of tequila that she never drank. [laughter] She just– She was– [laughter] Three hours on her feet. Never once sat down. That’s how powerful his music was. [applause] My mom felt no pain for that entire time. And the minute that freaking concert was over, “Tan-taran, tan-tan.” “My feet! Oh, my God, mi hijo, mis pies. Ay, pinche callo. “Oh, my God, my feet! Ay!” And I’m like, “Oh, great.” So now I gotta drag this living novela to the parking lot. I helped her into the car. “My feet!” “I told you to sit down.” “You don’t sit for Chente.” Here comes Emily. “Did you guys have a good time?” I go, “Emily, we had the greatest time. Thank you so much.” “I got something for you.” Oh, what’s that? And she hands me an envelope and I open it, and inside the envelope is the picture. She printed it out for me, and when I looked at it I got so choked up because I have never seen my mom so happy in a picture. And it’s not that she wouldn’t smile. She would smile, but it was that “one, two, three, cheese.” [laughter] But this one was like… [laughter] And what makes it extra special is that it’s the last photo I have of my mom and she was the happiest. And I know that that moment wouldn’t be possible if I did not do this for a living. [applause] So thank you for that. Sorry, now a lot of people are like, “We came to laugh…” -[mumbling indistinctly in Spanish] -[laughter] Houston, I got to share this story. Twenty years ago, when I started doing this, okay, the fact that we’re here tonight in an arena doing a comedy special is huge, but everything… Everything has a beginning. The fact that I can travel and I meet so many people, “we are your fans,” “we are your fans,” and social media shows over 10 million, everything comes from somewhere. And the fact that tonight I have in the audience my first two fans that ever came out to see one of my shows, I flew them out from Los Angeles to be here tonight. [cheering and applause] Monica, Tony, where you guys at? There you are. Ladies and gentlemen… [crowd cheering] …Monica and Tony Sanchez. When I say they were my first fans, they were my first, they would come out… I used to perform in her garage. And she’ll tell you. Oh, yeah. Right next to the Ford. [laughter] They were the first ones. They were the first ones to come see me perform at a little dive– hole-in-the-wall inside of a casino in California. And, um… You know, to have met these people so many years ago and they’d come out, she would tell me with her husband, “You were so funny, we’ll be back next week.” I’m like, “But it’s the same 5-minute show.” She goes, “You’re funny, we’ll bring more people. We’ll bring more people. She was my first fan club. She would get friends and bring them out to the show. [applause] And she has pictures of me in that garage. I wish you wouldn’t put them online, but you do. [laughter] But I just wanted to say thank you, guys, and I’m glad you could be here tonight. Twenty years doing this, so I think it’s only right that tonight we close this show the way that the first one began. [cheering, applause] I get pulled over one night two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. You better still laugh, Houston! I made a left turn instead of making a right turn but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, right? I was like, “You’re going to get it when you get home, you’ve been so bad! So bad! [screams] Gonna get it!” I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way. [mimics car turning] Sure enough… [mimics siren chirping] Oh! [tires screech] Later. [mumbling] The officer is taking forever. I said, “Forget this, he’s taking too long.” I grab my box, I put it on my lap. I flipped it open. Hmm! [laughs] Hmm… [shrieks] And just as I was about to tear it up, the officer gets to the window. “You know why I stopped you?” It was too easy. -I said, “‘Cause you could smell it!” -[crowd] …could smell it! [cheering and applause] Keep going! [crowd exclaims] -Houston, keep going! -[crowd] Yeah! I should have started the show like this, okay? Um, I bought a Volkswagen Beetle about seven years ago. [crowd cheering] And when you buy a new car, you want to show it off, whether it’s brand new or just new to you. So I take my car to my friend Martin’s house. You’ve seen Martin. Very real. I pull up. [mimics tires screeching] I yell out the window, -Mar– -[crowd, in unison] Martin! [cheering, applause] [whooping] You don’t need me anymore. [laughter] That’s freaking awesome! Thank you. Love you, too. Hold on, hold on. I forgot the joke. Hold on. [laughter] I know how it starts and I know how it ends. I’m just not used to starting from the middle. [laughter] That’s what she said. No, just– [laughter] Stop. You deserve better than that. Um… Martin… lives in a bad neighborhood. I don’t get out of the car. Across the street from his house live these gang members, the kind of gang members who don’t really hurt anybody. They just talk a lot of trash and watch Frozen. [laughter] And I pull up in a Beetle. [mimics tires screeching] [all in unison] Martin! Across the street, I hear… [all in unison] Órale! [cheering and applause] Let me finish! [laughter] -Someone said, “That’s what she said.” -[laughter] [Fluffy laughs] Hey, hey. [clicks tongue] Ah! I turn around. “Hey, what’s up, you guys? How’s it going?” “How did you get in there, ese?” “Hurry up, Martin!” A couple of months go by. I fix up the car. I put racing rims on it, some stickers. I put little chip in the motor to make it go faster. Two hundred and fifty horsepower Volkswagen Beetle. The car is bad. I pull up. [mimics driving, tires screeching] [engine revving] -[horn honking] -[laughter] [all in unison] Martin! [all in unison] Órale! Some of you are drunk. [laughter] This is what I just heard. I heard… “Órale!” “Le!” Keep up! I know it’s Mexicans too. I hear the accent. I hear that– [mumbles indistinctly mocking Mexican accent] Even the white people are like, “Hello! It’s odalay.” [laughter] “Get it together.” Keep up! -Eh. -[crowd] Eh. [all in unison] Eh. [all in unison] Yoo-hoo! “What?” [all in unison] “Check it out, eh, it’s the Fat and the Furious!” I heard you, Houston! [cheering and applause] I heard you. You guys were saying the joke with me like it was a song. Like it was the Mexican version of Freebird. [laughter] Keep going! [crowd roars] Keep going! [crowd roars] Chills. My son Frankie, when he graduated from high school, I was very, very proud of him and I was very excited. And, uh… For me, it was very emotional, because I was the one that got to take him to school on that last day, and it meant a lot, because you know what? [laughs] I was allowed to leave him anywhere I wanted to. I can leave him in the front. I can leave him on the side. I can put him in the back. I can make him walk. That wasn’t the case many years ago, when I was taking him to elementary school. And they had a designated drop-off area on the side of the school, where they had cones in the middle of the street. They had a supervisor there with a walkie-talkie and a whistle to make sure that your kids would get out of the car safely and onto the school grounds. One day we’re late because the night before I had a big show like this one. And people brought me chocolate cakes. And I took the cakes home and my son killed one of the cakes. And the next day, the cake… [mimics stomach rumbling] …killed Frankie. [laughter] Oh, it was bad. [mimics high-pitched fart] Chorro! Chocomilk! For the non-Mexicans: Yoo-hoo! [laughter] For the non-Mexicans with money: Nestle Quik! [laughter] Same joke. We get to the school. There’s no longer supervisor, no walkie-talkie, no whistle, the gate’s locked. I said, “I’m not leaving my kid here.” I’m going to drop him off in front. And I guess I wasn’t supposed to do that and I didn’t know, and at the time, I didn’t really care. We pull up. [mimics car driving, tires screeching] “Go.” “I’m not supposed to get off here.” “You’re late. Go.” [groans] And he cracks the door. And as soon as his foot hits the curb, here comes the principal. And I know who it is, ’cause he’s freaking out, right? He’s like… [whispering] “It’s the principal!” “Dude, relax. I’m 32, I don’t give a damn!” [laughter] Here comes the principal and she’s doing this one. [high-pitched voice] “Sir! Sir! Sir, this is not the designated drop-off area. Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here.” I was like, “Watch this.” Señora, no sé lo que esta diciendo. Aqui estoy dejando a mi hijo. El no se levantó a la mañana. It’s not my fault. Yo no sé. “That’s how you do it, homeboy. That’s how you do it.” That principal was awesome because she was like, [American accent] Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. Okay? [American accent] Saca la vuelta al otro lado de la escuela. Okay? [all in unison] Allá, si, si. Aqui, no, no. [all in unison] Allá, si, si. Aqui, no, no. [all in unison] Yo no soy pendeja! [laughter, applause] Monica, Tony. Twenty years ago, when I was in your garage, if you would’ve told me this was going to happen I’d have said you’re crazy. If you would have told me, “Twenty years from now people are going to come out and fill up arenas to see you. They’re going to cheer for you, and they’re going to finish your jokes… in Houston, Texas.” [crowd cheering, applauding] This special is dedicated to both of you and to this city. That’s Houston strong. Thank you very much, and you have a great night! And I hope I keep making you proud. Thank you. [cheering, applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ray Romano: Right Here, Around the Corner (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ray-romano-right-here-around-the-corner-transcript/

It’s been 23 years since I did a comedy special. And we’re on our way now… to the club where I’m gonna do it. It’s the club where I started at. It’s the Comedy Cellar. It was my home club… thirty years ago. Thirty-two, actually. And… I used to come here from Queens every night. Drive in… at least six nights a week. And hang at the Cellar and do spots. So, that’s what we’re gonna do. I figured, you know what? Let’s do it there. Let’s do it at the Comedy Cellar, and let’s kinda… Let’s do it like a… like a guest spot. It’s a little bit… I’m a little worried about it because there’s no guarantee… that it’s gonna be a great audience. But there’s an energy, there’s a cool energy to not knowing… what you’re gonna get. Then… they have the Village Underground also, they own the Village Underground and that was a music club. But the comedy became so popular that they converted it to comedy. So, we’re gonna do that. I think we’re gonna go into the Cellar, unannounced, and do a set, and then walk right around the corner. It’s right around the corner. Village Underground. Do a set there. Now, hey, hey, hey! What’s up, what’s up? How are you? How are you? There you go. That’s New York. How are you? Hi. I don’t know who I am. All right. How are we doing… timewise? – We’re on time, completely. – So what do I have, like…? – So, Gary Vider just went up, so you’re… – Oh, he just went up? Yeah, you’re gonna go after him. – Okay. – Okay? – He’s doing… – He’s doing ten. – Ten? – Yep. – All right. – All right. Sorry, gentleman, I’m sorry. I apologize. What’s up, man, how are ya? I appreciate it. You gonna light ’em up in a minute? One minute? Okay, cool. How are they? Awesome. You don’t gotta say that if it ain’t true. – They’re very good. – All right, cool. All right, let me get down there. Let me get down there. All right, here we go. See you guys. Yeah. Gary Vider, everybody! – Can I get a water? – Water? All right. So one of the great things about the Comedy Cellar is sometimes we have special guests that drop in. How does that sound? Please help me welcome to the stage, Ray Romano. Whoa. Oh, stop, stop, stop… Please. Oh, no. Oh my, oh my… We are both gonna be disappointed a little bit. We can’t live… you can’t and I can’t live up to that, but all right. Thank you so much. Thank you. Good to be here, good to be back. Here, this is where it all started, folks, long time ago. A long time ago. You weren’t born yet, buddy. You were not born. – You weren’t born. How old are you? – Twenty-three. Oh, man, I was here for ten years by the time you were born. You weren’t born. You weren’t in the country my friend. You were not… You were on the no-fly list when I started working here. All right, good to come back, see my friends. Here’s the thing about friends. When you have a TV show, and you will, we all get one. No, seriously, folks. It’s like jury duty. You’re gonna get a show. But you’re gonna have friends, man. You gonna have a lot of friends. And it’s all right. It’s a good problem, but I don’t have time for my own friends. But here’s what I’ve learned. I’m older now. I’m, I’m over fifty. Here’s what I’ve learned about life. Now that I’m over fifty, I’ll make the time to be your friend. If you’re a doctor. That’s no bullshit. I want… Who’s a doctor? There’s doctors here. Law of averages. What are you? What kind? Uh, interventional radiology. I don’t know what that is, but we’re going golfing. It sounds good, you know shit. You know shit. Stock up on doctor friends, I’m telling you. Get his card ’cause you’re gonna need him. You get to a certain age, every day something happens. Every day! The other day, I woke up with a sprained ankle. What happened? No, but what happened? I went to bed. I was fine. I was fine when I got in bed. What is happening? I’m not gay, but if a gay doctor ever made a move on me, I don’t know, man. I swear to God. I don’t know. That’s where I’m at. That is where I’m at. I’m telling you the truth. If he has an MRI, I’m sleeping over at his house. I want doctor friends. You get older. As you get older, you need different friends. Like when you’re a teenager, the one friend you need is the first kid who has a car. You gotta buddy up to that kid, right? Yeah, and then you hit your twenties… new kid now. Usually a sketchy kid. He can get… Yeah, he can get shit. You don’t know how he gets stuff. You don’t ask, all you know is all the sudden he can get you tickets to REO Speedwagon. Yeah, you don’t know what I’m talking about. This table knows. That table knows. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m meant Coachella… Coachella tickets. I’m sorry. And then thirties… Thirties and forties, new friends. Lawyer. You have to lawyer up now. Yes, find a good lawyer, ’cause that’s when it all happens. That’s… you get a divorce. You, you gotta… You gotta get a picture of your dick off the internet all of a sudden. What happened? All of a sudden, I hit a button. I hit the button! I need a lawyer. And then fifties to seventies, man. Doctors. Doctors… And then here’s the weird thing. In your eighties… back to the kid with the car. Yeah, full circle. Full circle. Now you need soup. Every day, you need soup. Yeah. I don’t… You know, I don’t… I don’t think I’m old. I just know I’m not young. That’s the difference. There is a difference, yeah. There’s usually an event in a man’s life… where he just, he can’t be in denial anymore. He just has to realize… I remember when it happened to me. I remember when I realized I wasn’t a young man anymore. Here’s, here’s what happened. I was having sex with my wife, and, and in the middle of it, I… I actually had to take a knee, you know? I had to go down, man. I had to stay down. I stay… I wasn’t protesting anything. I was… You know what I was doing? I was running the clock out on my wife. This is the hard part. And by the way, I’m not bragging. It’s not like we were doing a lot. It’s not like we were working up a sweat. I say in the middle of it. It was, it was barely long enough to have a middle. My mom, my mom’s eighty-nine. My… she’s doing okay. She just had her hip replaced. And me and my brothers went to the hospital. I have an older brother, Richard, and a younger brother, Robert. And we’re at the hospital, and she’s coming out of anesthesia. We think she’s out… of anesthesia, but the doctor’s testing her. So, he goes to her, “How many… Lucy, how many children you have?” And she goes, “Four,” so, we know… “Okay, Doc, she’s a little loopy,” ’cause there’s only three. And then he keeps going. He goes, “What are their names?” And she goes, “Richard, Richard, Richard, and Richard.” Four Richards. And we laugh. You have to laugh. I’m gonna be honest. Richard laughed a little more than me and Robert did. Yeah, we were a little weirded out. I’m not mad. I’m not gonna, you know… She’s eighty-nine. She’s coming out of anesthesia. I just thought, wow, that’s… that’s strong anesthesia. ‘Cause… No, I mean… No but seriously, if she’s gonna name four… What, one of them can’t be the… the guy who bought her a house? That guy? Can’t get one name? How ’bout the guy who bought the hip? How ’bout that guy? How ’bout a shout out to the man… signing for the hip. No, four Richards. And now she’s home, and she’s fine, but she’s eighty-nine. And let me tell you, the filter goes. The filter just leaves. I don’t care who they are. My mom was a piano teacher. She went to Juilliard. She, she didn’t say anything off-color. The other day she told me, “You know, I stayed with your dad for so long because the sex was very good.” I’m, like, “Mom!” I screamed! I couldn’t… I hyperventilated. The only thing more disturbing than picturing your parents having sex, is picturing them having good sex. I had that in my head. I said, “No, Mom, don’t. Please don’t.” You know what you gotta say to that stuff? “Find the fourth Richard. Lay that shit out on him. That’s what he’s for.” My, you know, my kids will never have to worry about that. That’s one good thing. My wife… I don’t care. I don’t care how senile… That is not coming out of her mouth. Let me tell you right now. No, no. She’ll be like, “I stayed with your father. He came fast, he had a lot of money. I’m gonna be honest. He had a lot of money.” “Yeah, I didn’t know, you know, I didn’t think it would last, but then… something happened. Then he popped. He popped.” Oh, boy. I found an advantage to getting old. Here’s one of the advantages to getting old. Here’s what you don’t have, buddy. It’s… It’s a weird advantage. I took an elbow in the groin. I was, I was playing basketball with my son. He elbowed me in the groin. Every guy knows that pain, right? So, it hasn’t happened to me in thirty years. Thirty years ago, I got hit there, and I still remember the pain. Okay, so the other day we’re playing ball… boom. And I’m, like, “Oh no.” And I’m waiting, and I’m waiting… Not that bad. I swear to God. It wasn’t that bad. And I’m… I’m, like, “What’s going on here?” “What’s… Do I have a superpower? Is this a superpower?” And I figured it out. Here’s what happened. Thirty years ago… things are compact down there. Right? But now, there’s give. There’s give now. There’s, there’s slack. There’s slack. You can take one. You can take a punch. You know what it is? It’s like, it’s like punching a curtain now. That’s what it is. But thirty years ago… Here’s why the body does that. Here’s why it doesn’t hurt when you get older. Because you don’t need ’em. When you’re, when you’re… When you’re twenty-three, when you’re whatever, you gotta reproduce. So, the body’s telling you, “Don’t get hit here man.” It makes it painful. But now… What do you need? What do I need? You know what they are now? They’re like tonsils now. Really, that’s all they are. Get ’em out. Get ’em out, before they’re infected. Right, doctor? You know what I’m talking about. Get ’em out. They’re going away. They’re trying to get away on their own. They’re trying to leave. They’re, they’re having a race with each other, like, left, right, left. It’s like the world’s slowest race to the ground is happening in front of me. And they’re getting… Here’s the weird part. They’re getting longer and this guy’s getting shorter. It’s like… They’re connected. Somehow they’re connected. All right. I’m glad… I’m glad we’re filming all this, ’cause… My wife hates that bit. My wife got mad at me the other day. We were on the cell phone, and we got disconnected. Yeah, we got disconnected. And I called her back, and she goes, “What was that?” I’m like, “What do you mean? We got disconnected.” And she takes a beat and goes, “All right.” “What are you saying? What do you mean? What do you… Oh, you know what, honey? You got me. You caught me.” You know what I do? You know what I like to do? It’s just a little thing… I just get a kick out of it. When we’re talking and you get really into it, and in the middle of a sentence, I hang up. I just hang up on ya. And then I call you right back, and I’m, like, ‘I don’t know.’ It was a bad patch, I don’t know.” The hell you… She gets mad. She… I was at a red light the other day, and the guy was selling roses, you know. And I don’t usually… I don’t get one, but then I just thought… “I need some points, man. I gotta score some points.” You know, it’s all about points. Ladies, I don’t know what game we’re in with you. But you always have the lead. You’re always in front. By the way, the rose, if you’re married for a while, that, that rose on the corner, that doesn’t work. No, it doesn’t, yeah. No, it doesn’t, I know. ‘Cause they know where you got it. They’re like, “Oh, thank you. Thanks for the effort. Thank you very much. Thanks for rolling down the window.” Yeah, you need a little more. You actually lose points. You might lose points. We’re married a long time. We’ve crossed over. When you first start… So, so, wait a minute. Who’s… you’re married. How long? Not long, right? Two, two weeks? – Two years. – Oh, two years, okay. – But, but still, that’s short. – Yeah. But when you’re married a long time… See, in the beginning of a relationship, you’re in the do-no-wrong phase. Right? Whatever you do is cute. It’s sweet. And then… we’ve crossed over. I’m in the do-know-right. I’m in the do-know-right. You know, I just have to accept it. I have to just know… Here’s an example. Here’s an example. I’m walking through… She’s watching TV, and I’m walking through, and I offer. I say, “Oh, I’ll get you some popcorn.” I know she likes popcorn. And I offer, “I’ll get you popcorn.” To which she says, “All right, but… bring enough.” She’s already pissed off. She’s already pissed off at me. She’d rather have no popcorn than not enough popcorn. Yeah. It’s unbelievable. One morning, I mean, one night… It was one night where we were in bed, and she was asleep. I was reading a book. She’s asleep. So, I figure, all right, I’m done getting in trouble today. Today I’m, today’s over. Yeah, and… And she wakes up. She wakes up, and she looks at me, and she goes, “What are you doing?” I said, “I got the book, remember? I told you, I got this book.” Yeah, and she just looks and goes, “I thought we were gonna talk?” And I said, “Well, I mean, you fell asleep.” And she looks and me, and she goes, “I fall asleep, so right away, you pick up a book.” No, c’mon, no, ladies. No, ladies, no. Don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh at that. Please don’t… Just tell me… Just tell me… what in shit hell does that mean? What do you… How do you converse with that? What do you say? Here’s what it is. I figured it out. Here’s, if you’re newlyweds or whatever, or engaged, if you wanna be happy, you have to know one thing. Women really want you to focus on them every waking moment. Yes, but there is more, there’s more. Because, then, when they sleep, you should sketch them. You don’t open a book. You don’t open a book. You take a sketch pad out, and you… Ha-ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha… And then if she wakes up, “Look what I drew. I drew you. I drew you. I’ll put this… I’ll hang this up.” Incredible. Any newlyweds? Any engaged people, newlyweds, anything? What? What are ya? – Just go married a month ago. – A month ago! Whoa. Where… Where was your bachelor party? Do you… are you…? Nashville. Nashville and Miami? Do you know… Do you really know the details? Let’s not, no… Let’s not even get into it. ‘Cause you don’t know the details. I know the details. I know you know the details, but you don’t know the details. No, nah, who cares? You’re having fun. You’re good. My friend… The other day, I saw this old guy, old buddy, and we started swapping bachelor party stories. I don’t know why guys do this. Anyway, I told him mine, and he started his with… “Well, you gotta remember, this was before AIDS.” And I knew, oh… I knew right away… you’re gonna have a better story than I did. Yeah. Your ears perk up. Your ears perk when someone starts a story like that. Even if it sounds boring. “Did I ever tell you I went candle shopping in Vermont?” Oh boy, I’m out. “This was before AIDS.” I’m back in. What happened? Come over here, guys. This is gonna have a twist. What happened in the candle shop? He’s a weird dude, man. He sends me these websites. He sent me a website. He likes to send perverted websites. He sent this website… Guys who can orally satisfy themselves. Yes. Yes. It’s always like a mixed reaction. It is, ’cause women are like, “Mm…” And men are like, “Hm.” Yeah, you wonder. It’s a conundrum. You don’t want… By the way, men. You don’t want that. You don’t want it. You don’t want it. ‘Cause listen, how would we stop? Seriously, how would we stop? We have so little self-control as it is. Your wife wouldn’t go out in public. You… every guy would have to wear the cone that dogs wear around their neck. Before the wife would go out with ya. And they would share their horror stories. “I took him to the bank without the cone. I turn my head for one minute. I turn my head. I don’t understand it. He’s an animal.” “I tried the pepper. The pepper doesn’t work!” All right, well, good for you, sir. Be aware. Here’s my next… Here’s my other tip. Be aware of things. You have to notice things. Like if she gets a haircut, you gotta notice it before she tells you. Yes, you do. Every three days, I say, “Nice haircut” to my wife when she comes in. Every three days, I cover myself. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong. You don’t lose points if you’re wrong. If you’re wrong, if she says, “I didn’t get a haircut.” You say, “You did something different.” They’re always doing something different. Always something different! You get a point. You get one. You don’t get five. You get one. Be aware. Try to avoid questions. Questions get you in trouble. Simple questions… Simple questions used to get me in trouble. Like when we were going out, “What dress looks better on me?” First of all, don’t say, “I don’t know,” because that seems like you don’t care. Yeah, you gotta… pick one. Although, ladies, I’m gonna… I’m gonna let you in on a secret. We don’t know. We don’t really know. We don’t even see a dress. It’s just like pixelation with your head on the top of it. We… We don’t know! We just want you to get in the car! Get in the car! But pick one, man. Pick one and go hard. “Oh, God, that one right there. That’s your dress.” You got to sell it. You sell it. Be careful. She may throw you. She may, “Oh, how come this one?” Now you gotta pull something out of your ass. Now you don’t know. Now you gotta… stall. If you stall, she’ll answer it for you. Eventually, she’ll answer it. “It’s ’cause of the fuchsia? Right? It’s ’cause of the fuchsia?” Folks, I don’t know what fuchsia is, but it looks good on her. That’s what I told her. “Yes, it’s fuchsia!” I thought it was a color, fabric… I don’t know. But I went with it hard. We had the stupidest argument. Oh, God, I can’t believe we’re in this argument. It’s a little too much info, but I’ll tell ya. I saw pubic hair in the wastebasket. I, I saw pubic hair in the wastebasket in our bathroom, and I called her on it. I said, “That’s gross. What’re you doing, that’s gross.” And she was mad at me, so mad. Not because I called her on it. But because, apparently, it wasn’t pubic hair. Apparently, she was clean her hairbrush. And, yeah, and she is pissed off that I couldn’t tell the difference. And I’ll be honest. It was a tumbleweed ball of hair in there. I didn’t think it through. I did not think in through. And she will not let it go now. She is, “Do you ever look? Do you look at me ever? What do you, what do you think, I have sheep shears and I just… What the hell is wrong with you? What’re you watching 70s porn all day? How ’bout the color? What, do I highlight my pubes? Is that what I do now?” I don’t know why she’s so mad. What do I…? Last thing. A couple months ago, I got Netflix, and I started watching these movies. Please somebody tell me they saw this movie. It was about two years ago, this movie Everest. I just saw it. Okay, see, not a lot of people. I wish you did. I wish you did because I wanna talk to people about the most unbelievable scene that I saw. It’s a true story, the climbing of Mt. Everest. Okay. This scene… They’re sitting around the campfire. They’re waiting to go up. They’re at, like, base camp two, whatever it is. And Josh Brolin’s character looks at the other guys and go… He goes, “Hey, guys, I feel a little guilty, you know? Forgot to tell my wife I was doing this.” I had to rewind. I had to rewind the thing. I swear to God, I rewound it. He forgot to tell his wife… he’s climbing Mt. Everest. Let me tell you something. My wife is constantly telling me, “You’re the worst communicating husband in the world.” No, I’m not. No, I’m not. I found a guy. I found the Babe Ruth of non-communication. What could you do worse? What is they’re bigger in life? What could… I guess if Neil Armstrong’s wife was watching the moon landing… “Is… Is that Neil? Is Neil…? Is… Is… Is Daddy, is that Daddy on the moon?” All right, thanks for being one-half of my special. Appreciate it. Thank you. Ray Romano, everybody! Let him hear it! Ooooooh! Good job, Ray. Hey, man, I’ll see you. Thanks, man. That was a great show! Which one? The one just now! How’d you get up here? How’d I get up here? I went to the bathroom. I heard part of your show. Okay. You’re the reason I watch all your repeats. Appreciate it. Thank you. Hello. Hello. All right, I got a few minutes. Wait a minute, do I? I got eight minutes. That was… fun. Small crowd. Yo, what’s happening? – How are you? What’s happening? – No, how are you? I’m fucking great! You are. All right. Watch your back! Ray Romano. How are ya, man? How are ya? Ray Romano. Yes, sir. He’s mocking me. Hey, buddy. How’s it going, man? How are ya, man, good to see ya. What’s up? How are they? It’s good, really good, Ray. Really? Cool. Cool, cool. I’m gonna head down. Twelve weeks of that, just sipping tea. Twelve weeks sipping tea. I got so angry. What came out of me, I couldn’t help it. I was like, “I don’t want some tea anymore, okay? I wanna sit on your face.” “Tea time is over.” All right, you guy’s have been awesome! Marina Franklin, everybody! Marina Franklin, everybody! And… you guys ready for a treat? My favorite comic has stopped by for a little while. Clap your hands everybody, for Ray Romano! Ray… Romano, everybody! All right, easy. Slow it up. Slow it up. Pace… Pace. Wow. Thank you so much. Good to be here. Good to be back. This is where all started, folks, long time ago. It all started right here… around the corner. Here, over there. You know what I mean. All right. What do we do? Let’s talk. You know what? First, I wanna do… I wanna use you people for therapy. Now, I do, I feel guilty. I have a guilt thing going on. I… I, I killed a spider. I know, hear me out. I know we all do it. But here’s why. It was in my shower, big spider. Here’s why I feel guilty. I didn’t have to kill him. But… He saw me masturbating. I think men know the dilemma here. No witnesses, nobody… It’s a spider. He’s not gonna say anything. But why take the chance? Why really…? And here’s why I feel bad. I killed him… and then I told you anyway. I told you anyway. He died in vain. All right. Sorry for the cameras. Netflix gave me a comedy special, and I decided to do it here at my home club. You’re… yeah. Little pressure. Little pressure on you people now. You’re on the spot. I saw a woman in a supermarket. This I have to share with you. There was a woman in the supermarket, and she was yelling at this kid. He was a five-year-old kid. Or five or whatever… four. And she’s yelling at him, and I got four kids. So, when I see that, I go over there… and I yell at that kid with that woman. I do. I yell. I don’t have to know anything. I don’t need facts. That’s a bad kid. That is… I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s being wrong. But this woman, she scared me a little. He had, like, a candy bar, and he wouldn’t put it back. And I could tell she was reaching the end of her rope, and she looks at him and goes, “I’m giving you to the count of two.” Listen to me. I don’t care if you have kids or not. I think we all know, three is the number you give a child. Three is the humane, accepted number. It’s international. People from other countries, I don’t care what language you speak. You could… You could be from a tribe that uses sounds! You’re giving your kid three. You’re giving him… That’s what this.. Your kid would get three clucks to, to… to get away from the quicksand or whatever the hell he’s doing. It was sad. He had two! He didn’t know what to… He wouldn’t have made it to the rack, the candy rack, by two. He would’ve had to hand it off to some kid who had three. “Take it the rest of the way, help me. This is a crazy woman.” We have parents, there’s parents here, right? I can tell, yeah. Who’s got the young kids? Who’s got the four and five…? What do you got? You’re… you? What do you got? – Four-year-old. – Got a four-year-old? But you’re, like, eleven. Thirty-nine! – You’re forty-nine? – Thirty-nine. Oh, I was gonna say… If you were forty-nine, I was gonna end my show right there. ‘Cause that… It’s not old, man, you’re young. This is, yes? – Yes. – Okay. Remember, we can cut. – So, you got a four-year-old what? Boy? – Boy. Does he nap still? – Sure. – Oh, so, you have that, at least. Yeah. Four years old, still naps. That’s, that’s lucky. Yeah, my kids are old, man, they don’t… They’re conscious all day. Yeah. I used to love the nap. I used to love the little tricks, too, to get ’em to nap. Every parent knows the, the car seat is your best friend… or your enemy. The car seat’s your enemy when you don’t want ’em to nap. It’s, now it’s dinner time. You’re driving home from the park. You’re, like, “Holy shit, if he falls asleep now, I’m gonna have to do a puppet show at midnight for this kid, you watch.” And then you look in the mirror and you see the little head there. The little… Like, “Oh, no!” “Oh, no!” La-la-la-la! Oh, no. You know what I did? I kept a water gun in the glove compartment. “He ain’t sleeping.” “He ain’t sleeping.” I wanna watch Cake Wars later on. He’s not sleeping, this kid. Is this like a vacation… thing? Little night out? Little… I mean, overnight thing? ‘Cause when you got, I know when you have little kids, you gotta get the overnight thing. We would go… My mom would come over, we would go like on a thing overnight, because you can’t do anything. I had three kids under the age of three. I had twins. Yes, nothing. Nothing. No sex, no nothing. And when we would go away, my wife knew I would get overexcited. Like, we’d get to the hotel, and she’d say, “Can we, can we please not have sex the moment we get in the room?” ‘Cause she would know. She’s unzipping luggage, and I’m naked in my socks already. “Nobody’s here.” “Nobody’s here.” She knew. She would ignore me. She’d go down to the pool. I would just wait in the room. You know, I’d hear the guy in the next room. “Me, too, buddy. Me, too.” “Good luck, man.” “Good luck, buddy.” Vacation sex, by the way, that’s the best sex there is. Yeah. For a guy, vacation sex is the best. I’ll tell you why. There’s less pressure on the guy… during vacation sex, because even if he’s… even if he doesn’t perform, even if he’s disappointing… She’s on vacation. She’ll get over it. She’ll get over it. She’ll be like, “Well, that wasn’t fun.” But there’s fun coming up. There’s fun coming up. But what has she got at home? You know what I would do I… for home sex? I’d keep a little treat under the bed. Just put a little something. Just a little something. This way, you come up a little short, and you’re like, “Honey, jello! Jello!” Yes, put jello, man. Put jello, ’cause then it’s incentive to you, because then if you’re good, that’s your jello, man. She ain’t getting anything. She don’t get none of that. That’s your little reward… It’s hard when you’re married, man. It’s hard having… sex with kids. It’s hard after you’re married. You’re very seldom in the mood at the same time. And by that I mean… her being in the mood. It’s true. I know it’s a cliche. But if you had a chart, it would just be men, you know, in the mood… And women just… beep! Beep! “Oh, no, I made a mistake. I made a mistake.” Alcohol helps. But there’s a very small window of time. ‘Cause alcohol goes from putting her in the mood to putting her to sleep, very fast. Yeah, if we’re at a party and she’s had a few drinks, I… I know I gotta get home if I want something to happen. I gotta, I gotta find a shortcut. I can’t, you know, I got… no traffic. I’m watching her. I got the water gun in my hand, you know. I’m just, like, showing it to her. You gotta get home. If a married couple ever tells you, “We had sex in the car the other night,” they’re not trying to relive their youth. That guy was running out of time. That’s what happened. That guy hit some traffic, and he pulled into a Costco parking lot. He called an audible. By the way, morning sex… I have my highest batting averages in the morning. No, it really is. She doesn’t say no as much, ’cause she can’t say she’s tired. Right? She can’t say that. No, she can’t. She’s had eight hours sleep. I watched the last two of ’em. Right? And also in her head, she’s thinking, “I’m gonna shower anyway.” “I’m gonna shower, right? Plus, you’re not in focus. She can’t even see you, really, yet. You… She could squint you into Bon Jovi. How long you married for? – You’re married, yes? – We’re not married. – You’re not married, okay. – It’s a long story. It’s all right. Whatever. We’re here, and we’re all having fun. – Well, you’ve been together, for a while. – Four years. Yes, okay. When you’ve been married for a longer time… Here’s the good thing about being married for a while. If I get turned down or whatever it is, nobody’s feelings are hurt. You don’t have to spare anybody’s feelings. My wife… I know right away, I know right away if it’s gonna happen or not. And she’s very succinct. She doesn’t waste words. Here’s my favorite turndown I ever had. We were in bed. It was the morning, she was facing that way. She’s not even looking at me. And I was like, I’ll give it a shot. I’ll give it a shot. I make a move. Here’s my move. Here’s my big move. Take my arm, put it on her shoulder. That’s it. That’s all it is. That’s all I need. She knows exactly what’s going on. It’s the morning. I’m touching her. If I’m touching her in the morning… Come on, it can only mean one thing. And here’s how I knew it wasn’t gonna happen. As soon as my hand hit her shoulder, she didn’t even turn. She just said, “What’s your problem?” Okay. It’s one motion. Remote control, keep your head down, follow through quick. Yeah. But who cares? Nobody’s hurt. It’s hard, sex with kids and marriage. I had TV sex. I had… I had my first real sex scene. I mean, my first real sex scene a little while back on a show on HBO called Vinyl, which nobody saw. No, nobody saw. It got canceled. Thank you. But yeah, I wish… There should be more. But anyway… It was intense. I mean, it was the real deal. There was nudity, everything. In hindsight, that’s probably why nobody saw the show. That’s probably… If you think about it, who want’s to see… Nobody wants to see that. Even Netflix told me. When they gave me the special, they said, “No nudity.” I’m like, “Why do you…? I’m doing stand-up.” “Okay, but still, don’t… nothing…” But this was on HBO, and it was scary. Scared out of my wits. Intense, nervous. You know, you’re simulating sex. It’s not real. But he don’t know that. No, he don’t know that. He’s not an actor. It’s like playing a prank on a guy over and over again. It’s like ringing a doorbell and running away… to your crotch. I got worried he wouldn’t show up. Like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Like when I really want him, he’d be, “I ain’t falling for that one again. I’m not…” How much can a guy take? Are you gonna have more kids, you think? – You got the boy, right? – Yeah. Yeah, I had the girl first. My youngest is a boy. I have a 16-year-old boy in the house. Anybody got a teenager? No? You probably do, but you don’t have the energy to say it. I don’t know how to describe this kid. I really don’t. He brags about things… you shouldn’t admit to. The other day, he walked through the kitchen, and he looks at us… “Haven’t showered in four days.” Just likes to hurt us. He really likes to hurt us. And he’s big. He’s six-five, my son. Yeah. Yeah, and he doesn’t shower. There’s a lot going on, man. There’s a lot going on. Yeah, he’s big. Plays varsity basketball. I’m not bragging. He’s not that good. He’s not that good. He’s all right. He’ll get better. He played with a kid… He played one year with this kid who got drafted yesterday in the NBA, Aaron Holliday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he got to play with him. This was cool. The trainer called our house once, and said Aaron bit Joe in the forehead. They were going up for a layup. Aaron’s teeth went into Joe’s head. And my wife got, you know, she’s upset. “Oh, no, he’s gonna need stitches.” And then she got mad at me… because all I could think was, maybe it’s like a Spider-Man bite. Maybe… Maybe… I start going to the games now. Maybe Joe can dunk now. At six-foot-five. God forbid he jumps four inches off the ground. And dunks for his father. Make an effort, Joe! And now he drives. Why do we give 16-year-olds licenses? My son doesn’t care about anything. He called me the other day, he’s like, “Hey dad, I’m in the car. Yeah, I don’t know. I guess, I guess I’m outta gas right now.” I went… “What do you mean you don’t know, Joe? Are you moving?” “Is the car moving?” “I’m not moving. I’m not moving. I put my foot on the pedal, I’m not going anywhere.” “All right, where are you, Joe?” And he’s very calm now. He’s la-di-da. “I’m here. I’m on the 101.” The 101 is a five-lane highway. Nothing! So, I assume like anybody would, “Oh, you’re on the side of the road now?” – “No, I’m in the middle lane right now.” – “What do you mean, Joe!” Where’s the urgency! And I swear to you, this is the exchange, ’cause I’m panicking now. “What’s the traffic like?” “Well, behind me, it’s bad, but it’s moving in front of me.” “I’m gonna kick your ass.” “I’m gonna kick your ass, Joe, ’cause you need fear.” “You need fear in your life.” And my wife tries to spin it. You know, whatever he does, she puts the spin on it. “Well, he doesn’t panic. He’s Zen.” “He’s a very Zen-like boy.” “Like astronauts. Maybe he’ll be an astronaut one day.” “Oh, you think so? Really?” “I don’t wanna burst your bubble, but if he can’t interpret the gas gauge on a Mazda… Nah, he ain’t getting in the Space Shuttle. I’ll tell ya right now, give that up.” My kid is not an astronaut. Unless an astronaut bites him. If an astronaut bites him… then we got a chance. Incredible. I think he does things… just to get a reaction, really. My friend, the other day, said to me, “Hey, my son told me that Joe is an ordained minister now.” I’m like, “What?” I guess online for, like, five bucks or whatever… Here’s what pissed me off. Not that he did it. But when I asked him about it… I text him, “Joe, are you an ordained minister?” And his reply? “Pretty much.” I’m gonna punch you. I’m gonna punch you, Joe. That’s not the answer. That’s not how you answer that question. That’s the answer to “Did your rash go away?” “Pretty much. Pretty much, I’m an ordained minister.” And I have twins, also. Yes, and then I have my oldest, is my daughter. We… She has a nickname… the “Good One.” They’re all good. She just, you know… You know. She does things. She does things. They don’t do things. That’s the difference. She goes… Straight A’s… She went to Penn. She… My daughter went to Penn. We flew her from L.A. to Penn. The boys were, like, thirteen. Identical twins. And, my wife did not want to bring ’em because she was so emotional. She just wanted to share this. But they came. Anyway, we’re in the dorm. We’re putting… We’re getting her settled. And the boys are just being idiots, you know? And, finally we have to say goodbye, and it’s emotional, and we leave. We go to this FedEx store. We gotta ship something home. And my wife turns to me and goes, “I’m coming back next week, by myself.” “By myself.” And when your married for awhile, and you hear that tone, you don’t even make eye contact really. You just kinda, “I know, okay, you’re coming by yourself.” “You’re staying with them. You’re staying with them.” Stay with them. Stay with them. And then she goes, “Look at ’em.” And I look, and right at that moment, one of ’em had a traffic cone on his head. And the other was looking down the top of it. And I wanted to laugh so hard. I had to stifle the biggest laugh. ‘Cause she’s having a breakdown. My wife’s having a breakdown. I finally, I just put my arm around her and I go, “Look, if it’s any consolation, we’re not gonna have to make this trip for them.” “They’re not coming here. They’re not coming to Penn.” “We’re gonna get ’em an RV, and they’re gonna live in the woods.” “That’s all right. We’ll know where they are. We’ll pay for the electricity.” It was unbelievable. It was like sitcom timing. I wouldn’t even write that in a sitcom ’cause it’d be too jokey. She goes, “Look at ’em! Traffic cone!” I don’t know what a traffic cone was doing in a FedEx store. For a couple weeks, I tried to figure out… who’s stupider? Which one of those two is the stupider kid at the moment? And you know what? I thought it through. It’s the one wearing the cone. It’s the guy wearing it. He’s the stupider one. Because the guy looking, he’s at least being inquisitive, you know? He’s doing something. He’s curious. Although, he’s probably thinking, “Hey, where’d my brother go? What’s going on?” “What’s in here? Oh, stay where you are! Stay where you are, Greg!” Unbelievable. All true. I’m not… I haven’t written any of this. I wish… I wish I could write this. All of it. He’s a, he’s a fucking ordained minister. And he doesn’t shower. And he can marry you. I wish I was making it up. Then there’s me. My poor wife. Then there’s me, too. I’m not, you know… My wife passed a… The other day, my wife got all of us together, all the men. And she passed a new ordinance in the house. A new law. She said, “I’m not answering any stupid questions.” She goes, “From now on, if you ask me a question that you should know the answer, I’m just walking away.” And I was, like, whatever. You, know, I don’t wanna show fear in front of my kids. I’m not gonna show fear. I have an image for the boys. I didn’t think about it. I let her go. And then the next day, I really didn’t think about it ‘tiI I couldn’t find my sweatpants. I couldn’t find my sweatpants, and I was walking up to ask her, and then I stopped myself. I was, like, “Oh, no, is this one of those?” And then I thought, I can’t live like this. And I just… Look, I said, whatever happens, happens. I said, “I can’t find my sweatpants.” And she looked, and she didn’t say anything for a second. And I gotta admit, my heart started beating a little faster. And then, finally, she just goes, “Check the dryer. They’re probably in the dryer.” I go, “Okay.” I walked away, I went, “Phew, I got away. I got away.” It worked, she scared me. I got away with it. And then I thought… I can’t ask her where the dryer is. I gotta find the dryer. I gotta find that dryer. I gotta get the… We got the boys, you know, we all talked about it. Nobody knew. Nobody really knew. We all went in separate directions. Got people from out of the country here. – Australia! – Australia. Is this the first time? – No. – You been coming here a lot? You love it, right? How can you not love New York? Be careful. By the way, I grew up here. I still haven’t seen every weirdo there is to see out there. They’re fun weirdos. I had my favorite encounter the other day. This one, I gotta tell you. My whole life I been here. And my favorite encounter was the other day. I was walking, it was broad daylight. And this guys sees me, and he comes running over, and he goes, “I’ll give you a blowjob for two dollars.” Yeah, and I was polite. First of all, be polite. Always be polite. I was like, “Hey, no thanks, man. That’s okay. And this is what got me. He looks at me and goes, “Two dollars.” I’m like, “No.” “No, listen, buddy, you’re not getting it, man. You’re not getting it.” I’m not haggling. We’re not haggling right now. That’s a good price. You can’t go lower. How can you go lower than two dollars? It costs much more in my house, I’m gonna tell you right now. He couldn’t believe it. He goes, “They’re two dollars.” He must’ve had a bad day. That must’ve been a bad… That’s, that’s a going-out-of-business blowjob right there. That’s… That’s a everything-must-go… All right. All right, last thing. This is gonna… This might bum you out a little. Yeah, maybe, I don’t know. It’s about my dog. I had to put my dog down. I told ya. I warned ya. Well, he’s fourteen. And… he saw me masturbating. Yeah. I have a hard rule. I have a hard rule in my house. Hey, thank you for being one half of my Netflix special. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you. Ray Romano, everybody! Ray! Romano! Holy shit, you can go back and… Guys, c’mon, let’s go. …Ray Romano become the king of fucking Little Rock? That’s right, yes, very exciting, right? And you here with the women… – How was it? – It was good! Good! They were loud in the beginning, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah… They were really good. That was a good crowd. I could tell it was good ’cause it went fast. What’s up, buddy. It was good. It was good, man. Thanks. – Bye, Ray. – All right, buddy, I’ll see you, Sean. – All right, everybody’s here. – We’re all together. This is the minister. Are you the conehead or the looker? I’m the looker. – I’m the conehead. – Conehead. There’s the good one. And there’s the one who has to spend all the money. – Are we hungry? – Yeah. Something got a really big applause that it was very… that I was really surprised about. – Oh, yeah? – It was like, wow… What? – We… – I don’t remember. What was it? Yeah, it might’ve been… I know what you’re saying. It might’ve been the… Stupid question thing, right? – Stupid question… – Was it that? No, it was before that. I liked that. Did you always do the dryer part? Did you figure out what bit it was, Ally? – Did you figure out which one? – No, let think about it for a second. All right, we’ll get another one if we need. Don’t go crazy guys. Joe, you wanna bless the pizza for us? Yeah, I could do that. I mean, I’m qualified.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ken Jeong: You Complete Me, Ho (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ken-jeong-you-complete-me-ho-transcript/

The Hangover… Community… Dr. Ken… Crazy Rich Asians… Give it up for Ken Jeong! ♪ I said the joker is a wanted man ♪ ♪ He makes his way all across the land ♪ ♪ See him sifting through the sand ♪ ♪ So I’ll tell you all the story ♪ ♪ About the joker and the thief of the night ♪ Oooooh! Goddamn! Goddamn! Thank you so much! Fuck! Oh, my God, I don’t even know what to say. – This is… – I love you, Ken! I love you too, bitch. I do. This is my first… This is my first stand-up special ever. So, thank you, guys. Ever! This is the club where I got my start, man! It’s… The Ice House is like, amazing. We’re like family. I wanted to do my first Netflix special in a club because every Netflix special you fucking see is in an auditorium. It’s in a big theater. And, I tell you, live comedy begins in the motherfucking clubs. We want to keep that shit real! Club folk. And it’s an honor for me to entertain the lowers. Now… Anyway, some people may know this, some people not… I used to be a doctor… …at Kaiser-fucking-Permanente. And then I said, “Fuck that shit! I’ll be naked and famous in a movie, make some moolah.” And that is what makes America great. Am I right, guys? My God! My God! I was a general practitioner, all right? We are the dumbest of all doctors, all right? Like, in general, we knew nothing. We’re stupid, okay? Like, if a patient came up to me and said, “What do I have?” “Well, in general, you’re sick, so I’ll refer you to a specificist.” Do you know what I mean? “I don’t know. See someone else. I’m a day drunk, all right? Welcome to Kaiser.” Anyway… I’m kidding. Dude, Dr. Ken, that show I was on… I modeled that HMO after Kaiser. Dude, everything about Kaiser… I owe my livelihood to Kaiser Permanente. Actually, I met my wife at work, all right? She’s a doctor. She’s Vietnamese. Doctor… Last name, “Ho.” I’m not fucking making that shit up. I married a “Ho,” okay? Dude, that’s like a wet dream to a comic. I can say anything the fuck I want, and it’s street-legal, you know what I mean? “Get in the car, Ho!” I can say that. “Make me some rice, Ho!” “You complete me, Ho.” You know? I can say that because I’m sensitive, by the way. And Koreans, we’re the most sensitive people on the fucking planet. Where are the Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house? Yeah, we are the hottest-tempered of all Asians. We are the angriest of all the… That means “Hello” in Korean. All right, so… You’re Vietnamese? Just out of curiosity, what’s your last name? – Ho. – Ho. Don’t you ever upstage me again, Ho. Don’t you ever be funnier than me, Ho. How dare you? This is my Netflix special, Ho! What’s your first name? – What’s your first name? – Tran. Is your real name… Is your first name “Tran”? My wife’s fucking first name is Tran! – Really? – Yeah, my wife’s fucking first name is Tran-fucking-Ho! What do you do for a living? And if you say “doctor,” I’m going to fuck myself, all right? You’re not a doctor, right? Fuck me. – What the fuck? Is your last… – Ho. Your last… Are you fucking kidding me? Your last name is fucking “Ho”? Fuck you Hos, all right? Fuck the Hos! Someone in the back is fucking with me right now. Because there’s Hos to the left of me, Hos to the right of me. And my real-life wife, Ho, is in the fucking back! This is like… Are you fucking kidding me? This is a Bizarro Ho universe. I don’t know what’s going on. Your last name is also “Ho”? Are you Vietnamese? – No. – Oh, good. Thank God, okay. All right. It wasn’t a complete setup. – What nationality are you? – Singaporean. Singaporean! Crazy-rich Asians in the motherfucker! Fucking Crazy Rich Asians fans! Singapore! Fuck me, man! Thank you, man. Crazy Rich Asians, or as we call it, “Yellow Panther.” Now… Or “Golden Retriever.” I’ll think of… I’ll figure out the animal. “Yellow Kitty.” No, too on the nose. Now… My God. Fucking Vietnamese… I tell you, the way they talk is just a little bit… A little feyish, a little dandy. You know what I’m saying, right? Vietnamese is Koreans on weed. That’s all I’m saying, okay? And that is how I came up with Chow. Now… I actually would sprinkle in Vietnamese just to make my wife laugh. In the movie, in the first Hangover, when we release Black Doug, that’s all Vietnamese, where I say… They thought that means, “Release Black Doug.” It actually means in Vietnamese, “Chicken, die.” So, it was like… I really was doing stuff to make the Ho laugh, so… And it’s equal-opportunity Hos. You can laugh at that joke, too. For my first movie… I actually booked this while working at Kaiser. …was Knocked Up, that was directed by Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen. Thank you! The first movie I ever did, and I shot that shit while still having my day job. I shot that during a vacation week because I’m a good fucking Asian. You know what I mean? I’m responsible. And it was the most creatively fulfilling experience of my life at that time, because I got to work with everybody. Anybody who’s anybody is in that movie, dude. You had Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Martin Starr of Silicon Valley, Craig Robinson, Charlyne Yi… You had, like, Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig… It was The Avengers of comedy, that’s what that shit was. And I swear to God, the first time I shot my last day of filming, it was such a dream. Judd Apatow said to me, he goes, “You are my discovery. You did such a great job. I’m going to put you in all of my movies.” And he did. So, I would not be here… if it wasn’t for Judd. And then the next day I had to work at Kaiser, you know what I mean? I mean, that’s how I came up with the Chow jizz-toss… “Kaiser.” Toodle-oo, hopes and dreams. You know? Like, can you imagine having a moment like that? Doing a John Apatow film and going back to your day job thinking that you’re stuck. The next day, I could not stop thinking about that. I was like, “Well, maybe right now I’m playing it safe but maybe it’s time for this college kid to turn pro, you know what I mean? Maybe I got to fucking… I got to rethink my life! Maybe this is the time for me to pursue acting, full-time. But, you know, look at me. I know I look like a fucking double-chinned Asian Mr. Burns with bad posture, but I don’t know. I mean, maybe this is the time for me. Maybe this is a sign.” By the way, I’m thinking all this while 50 patients are waiting for me. Not a good look. And my nurse is desperately trying to get me to focus. She goes, “Dr. Jeong, you have a patient in Room 2 waiting for you.” And I’m like, “Well, nurse, you have a doctor who doesn’t give a fuck.” “I just did a movie, Carol! I just did a movie, man. You don’t get it.” And, believe it or not, I quit my day job the next day. True story. I was scared, man. I was fucking scared. Because I didn’t have any family support. Like, my strict traditional Korean dad who wanted me to be a doctor before I was born… No, he was severely bumping on this shit, dude. He was just cursing me out in Korean. “You bring great shame to Jeong family!” And then after The Hangover… “We are so proud! I knew you’d make it, boy! I knew you’d make it! I believe in you.” “We are so proud of your tiny ding-dong. So proud. The smaller the penis, the bigger the box office!” Thanks, Papa. Great praise, okay. And, yes, for those of you wondering, in The Hangover, yes, that was real in the trunk. I’m a grower not a show-er, all right? It was cold, I swear. All right? It was cold outside, all right? But I’m secure about it. It’s how the pencil writes, bitch. It’s how it writes! Mine can write in cursive. In cursive! Oh my God, calligraphy! Calligraphy! Konnichiwa, bitch! But I tell you, man, to be Hangover rich and famous as an Asian kid, man… Asian parents, they don’t know how to govern that. You know, my dad went from “father” to “freeloader,” just like that. I swear to God, as a kid, he was like, “You better get me good grades!” After The Hangover, “You better get me S-Class Mercedes! Because E-Class, that’s for fucking farmers.” Okay, Papa. Good. Dude, I would not be here if it wasn’t for the fucking Hangover. Mr. Chow is the best character I’ve ever played. He’s the funniest character ever. It put me on the map. Dude… Leslie Chow. I mean, it has brought me so much joy. The Hangover is the best thing ever to happen not only to my career, but my fucking life. That’s why I don’t mind getting recognized for Mr. Chow wherever I go. Literally, if anyone asks for a photo or a selfie, I’m always nice about it. If you look on Twitter, I’m always nice doing Mr. Chow stuff because I’m dead inside. Now… You guys wanna hear some Hangover stories? All right. I live in Los Angeles, the rich part, and I’ll tell you… Where? I’m not going to tell you where, bitch. I’m not going to tell you I live in Calabasas. Don’t worry, I can say it. It’s a gated community. It’s fine. You ain’t getting in. It’s fine. You ain’t getting in, bitch. Okay, I was at a Wells Fargo ATM, withdrawing some cash. A lot of cash! And this middle-aged white guy, this, like, motherfucking guy with a bald head… No offense, dude. I’m just like… Hey, I’m sorry. Oh, my God. Dennis, get a load of this guy. Oh, my God, that’s fucking Locke from Lost over there. Oh, my God, he’s got the secret to the hatch! Look at that guy! Fucking Lost. Oh, my God. He’s like an ugly Locke from Lost. And I’m an ugly Daniel Dae Kim, so it all works out fine. Daniel Dae “Chins,” maybe. And this fucking white “Ho” – looking motherfucker is looking at me from a sedan with the window half-cracked open. True story. He’s staring at me, and I’m withdrawing some cash. Staring at me, withdrawing some cash. Staring at me, withdrawing some cash. The light turns green so he can go, “Toodle-oo, motherfucker!” Every fucking day, you know what I mean? I was on a plane promoting Hangover II. First class. And, uh… True story. There’s a person in the back of the plane and there were concerns he may have had a stroke. He had some vertigo, he had some dizziness, some weakness, a little bit of slurred speech, and the flight attendant was understandably panicked. “Is there a doctor on the plane? Is there a doctor on the plane?” So, you know, I raise my hand and I was like, “Well, I, um… Well, it’s complicated but…” “But I used to be a doctor.” She was like, “Sit down, Chow. Jesus.” “Catch that, Phyllis?” Everyone’s laughing at me on the plane. Dude, even the strokie in the back of the plane… Making a bubble with his drool or something. But I was promoting Hangover II, which, actually, I think is my favorite Hangover movie, because the cinematography was absolutely amazing in Bangkok, Thailand. Anyone from Thailand? Oh, really? – Yeah. – You’re a Thai! – That’s awesome. Where are you from? – Bangkok. Bangkok! You look so cute! Look! Natey, get a shot of him, man! Look at that! You know what I call this? You know what I call this? Son of Chow. He looks amazing. Own that shit, boy. – What’s your name, man? – Mike. Mike. What’s your last name? Bayakorbachik. You’re not Thai. You’re Jewish. I mean, what do you think, Tran? Do you think that’s legit? I don’t know. You’re kind of my wife, now. I don’t know. Why do I feel like the Asians are getting back at me for some reason? Not to get off on a fucking tangent, dude. This is not even related. But you know what? I got so much shit from the Asian community for the first Hangover. That was controversial at that time, like, 10 years ago. Because, seriously, I had fucking Asian haters, dude. Asian haters on the internet, they’re the fucking worst, dude. White trolls are bad. But Asian trolls, they’re the stickiest, dude. No, no. For real. This is a real comment. I’m not making this up. This is a real comment from someone on Reddit, and is still up there, all right? You can look it up. “Ken, if I ever see you in public, I will choke you within a few seconds from death with my bare hands. Fuck you, you piece of shit do-anything-for-a-dollar whore.” And that was my mom, all right? I tell you, these fucking Asian haters, man. They hate themselves, dude. They fucking hated the fact I had a thick accent and I had a small penis, dude. I was born with that shit! That’s not a stereotype! That’s fucking real to me! How are they mad? And they want me to apologize for that? What do I say? “Me so sorry?” I don’t know what to say! My God! Dude, I get so much shit for The Hangover! I did a lot of social justice in The Hangover! I was a social justice warrior in that shit. Think about that. I jumped out of a trunk and beat up the white man three times, all right? I should be the fucking Malcolm X of my community. Not yellow Urkel, all right? There are Asian teenage boys that actually blame me. They think they can’t get laid by white women because somehow my small dick has scared the white chick away. People say that about me! Dude, stop rejecting this papa shit. Maybe you’re too bold like your father, never satisfied like your mother, and that, bitch, is when doves cry, okay? I loved shooting in Bangkok. We were there for two months. I went with my wife and we were there… Remember that, sweetie? I remember that. Good times, right? And, in the photo credits at the end, when you’re looking at the forgotten night, there’s a stripper, a nude stripper that has a ping pong ball. I don’t know if you remember that scene. She has a ping pong ball, and she’s putting that up her hootch, and it’s coming out like she’s the Serena Williams of pussy pong. It was a sight to behold. Like, boom, boom, boom. And I’m not even kidding, on the first take, it hit Bradley Cooper in the mouth. I’m not even kidding. That is gospel. And then, stupid me, I’m going, “Syphilis, hot boy!” ‘Cause that’s what I do. You know what I mean? That’s what I do, you know? But my whole point is, a lot of people are asking like, you know, “Do you have to do medicine on a movie set or in a comedy club or anything?” All the fucking time. I always have… Dude, so many times I go into doctor mode. It’s like Godfather 3. “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in,” you know? Everywhere, you know? Recently, I was at a club in Phoenix. I don’t know if you heard about this. A lady in the third row had a seizure in one of my stand-up shows. It wasn’t because of a bad joke, I’m just saying… But TMZ reported this, and my publicist didn’t want me to talk about it, which I didn’t. But I want you to hear, for the first time, on Netflix, me talk about it in my own words, all right? I’m making fun of people like I normally do in my act. “Hos to the left of me, Hos to the right to me…” So I’m doing my schtick, like Asian Don Rickles, and there’s a lady… There was a lady in the third row, and she was, like, “Mr. Chow! Mr. Chow!” I’m, like, “Calm down, bitches. I’ll get to you, it’ll be fine.” And they were, like, “No, someone passed out.” And a lady fell down off her chair and she was just completely out. And I dropped the mic, and I rushed over there, and went into “doctor” mode, and it was the most surreal, sublime experience ever, because I’m no longer a comedian, I’m a doctor. And the whole comedy club were no longer like a comedy club audience. We’re like an ER of, like, nurses and aides trying to help her out. It was so fucking amazing. And I’m thinking to myself, like, “Oh my God, I may have to do CPR on this person.” And I have to assess the ABCs before you do CPR. You know, “Airway,” “Breathing,” “Circulation.” Not “Always Be Closing.” It’s a different thing. And I actually… If you go on YouTube, I have done work with the American Heart Association, teaching medical students and nurses how to do hands-only compression CPR. You don’t have to do mouth-to-mouth anymore. So it’s true. This is a medical fact. I have two medical facts, all right? Number one… The number one medical fact, look, if you’re ever in the position where unfortunately, you may have to do CPR, you do chest compressions to the beat of “Stayin’ Alive,” all right? It’s like, Ah, ah, ah, ah, Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive It’s true. And I’m thinking to myself, “Am I gonna have to Bee Gee this bitch?” And then, fortunately, I did not have to. She got up quickly. She had what they call a “petit mal” seizure. She’s on medication and she had a history of epilepsy. By the way, she allowed me to tell this story. Her name is Christy. I actually flew her out to one of my shows in New York. She is doing fine. So everything… Happy ending alert. Everything is good. But when we sat her up, we actually did a mental status exam with an audience member who happened to be a paramedic, and we were asking her questions because she’s a little bit confused after the seizure. She was like, “What’s your name?” “Christy.” “Where are you?” “Phoenix.” “Who are you here to see?” And then she turns and looks at me, and then she vomits. So, it’s a normal response. And within minutes, the paramedics take care of her and she’s fine. My whole point is, if you don’t like any of my shit, you don’t have to have a fucking seizure, and a fucking… You can just walk out, bitch. I already got paid. I already got the check. And you know what? That’s not even my worst seizure tale, all right? Dude, I did Ride Along 2 with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, and we were shooting in a nightclub in Atlanta. Four hundred background actors in a nightclub and a person has a severe generalized tonic-clonic seizure and the whole nightclub clears out. So, I’m running towards the patient and Ice Cube, who is the baddest motherfucker on the planet… He’s amazing! He’s fucking running towards the patient, too, We’re like two outfielders going for the same ball. And I tell you, he’s taking out a belt. I’m like, “Whoa, you don’t whip the patient, Cube! No!” I don’t know him. I’m more of a Reba McEntire fan. And he’s running out to the patient, and he gets to him before I do. He puts the belt around the patient’s mouth, so he wouldn’t choke on his tongue. Ice Cube, not me, saved the patient’s life. It was amazing! Just a shout-out to Cube. And to make small talk, I was like, “So, Ice Cube, I guess that was a good day.” While Kevin Hart ran away. “Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Oh, my God! Snap, crackle, pop! I gotta get the fuck out of here!” “Calm down, your snappy midget! Everything is fine.” Everything. And by the way, it was Kevin Hart who actually got me into doing stand-up again in the first place. No joke. Yes. Shout-out to Kevin. He’s one of my dear friends. He’s one of my favorite guys in comedy because he’s the only one shorter than me. He literally would give me advice. I mean, Kevin, literally, every day on Ride Along 2, he would just remind me, “You got to do stand-up.” Because we go back 15 years. And I love when Kevin Hart gives me advice because he’s the only guy looking up, you know what I mean? It’s just so great. And I call him “Rice Krispies” because he’s just always making snap-crackle-pop noises wherever he goes. “Oh, man, Ken! Snap, crackle, pop, man! You gotta go back! Gotta go back and do stand-up, man! You’re leaving millions on the table, man! Snap, crackle, pop, ping, pang, pow! Ping, pang, pow! You gotta do that! You gotta do stand-up, and do it like this! And then you gotta do it like this! Then maybe you can do it like this! I gotta do it, man! Ping, pang, pow!” I was like, “Oh, you’re so cute. Of course I’ll do it for you. I will do it, you’re so cute. Come here, give me a hug.” A lot of people ask me, like, “Do you still practice medicine?” I’m like, you know, “Why?” I mean, look at me, dude. Like, yeah, sure, I want to get sued every chance I get. At Kaiser, depositions were my jam. Sure, my wife’s also a doctor. Yeah, sure, we want to work every other week, every major holiday. We would never see each other, sure. I want that lifestyle back. Yeah, sure, I want to voluntarily put my finger up the holes of every patient that I see, willy-fucking-nilly. Dude, I’m Hollywood, bitch. I got out of Shawshank, all right? West Side! But I will say shit doctors are afraid to say, all right? Just a couple of tips. Stop Googling your shit before you see the doctor. It never works! I had a patient come up to me, and the patient was like, “Oh, I looked it up online, I have right-sided pain. It’s an ovarian cyst.” “You’re a dude. Knock it off, all right?” Okay, ladies… Okay, get ready, all right? Ladies, when you see your doctor for a pap smear, and this is with all due respect, make it presentable. That’s all we’re saying. Less Chewbacca, more Ewok, all right? We don’t want That ’70s Show up in here. You don’t want to have what we call a General Ackbar situation from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. You know that fish-mouthed alien? That was named after a dank vajayjay. It was. Because when you put your speculum in, it goes, “It’s a trap!” You don’t want that. So, to answer your question… No, I don’t do medicine anymore. No, man, I’ve gotten to meet everybody from The Hangover. I mean, literally, I just got to meet everybody I’ve ever wanted to meet. I got to meet my favorite actor in the world, Tom Hanks, at the Golden Globes. That was amazing. He’s my favorite actor in the world. By the way, did you think that my voice as Mr. Chow was my real accent? Okay. Tom Hanks… I met him, I said hello. And Tom was, like, “Really? You don’t talk like that?” I’m like. “Really, fucking Forrest Gump? Really? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you walk around carrying a box of fucking chocolates while talking to a Wilson volleyball, you Cast Away motherfucker? I got to meet presidents because of The Hangover. I met Bill Clinton while we were doing Hangover II. We were in Bangkok. Clinton was also in Bangkok, doing God-knows-what. That’s Slick Willie for you, you know what I mean? If Obama is a high school principal, Bill Clinton is a PE coach slipping you some ganja, going, “Don’t tell anyone, okay?” But he has the highest IQ of any modern-day US president. He’s a political genius. There is no one more politically smart than Bill Clinton. He is so convincing, he is so charismatic, he is so engaging. I went to a fundraiser… He was so persuasive, I would suck his dick. I really would. Just give me a blue dress. I fucking dare you. I’m sucking his dick for freedom, guys. And jiggling his balls for the environment. I got to meet Obama, which was amazing. Yes! Obama. Not Barack. His half-brother Fred who runs a Macy’s in Queens. Now… No, I got to meet Obama with Zach Galifianakis who played Alan in The Hangover, who by the way… Zach Galifianakis is the funniest motherfucker alive. He’s my favorite actor I’ve ever worked with because… Like Kevin Hart, we all go way back doing stand-up comedy. And when he was doing it, I always hated following him because he was always the funniest guy in the room. But here we are at the White House, meeting the sitting president of the United States and I have to follow him again. I’m like, “Fuck, dude!” Because Zach comes with jokes, man. He comes loaded with jokes, and this is the first time Obama and Zach had met before they did the Between Two Ferns thing. So they were instantly… Dude, they were on. They were simpatico. I was watching their fucking comedy kinship from the beginning. Zach whips out a two-dollar bill, and goes, “Do you have change for this, for this photo session?” and Obama is laughing so hard, going, “Very droll, Zach, Very droll.” And I’m standing to the side in a suit and a tie because I’m a good fucking Asian, you know what I mean? I’m standing with a suit and a tie and I’m having what I call my “Google Image resting face,” all right? Because when you Google-Image search me, you always get this… And by the way, when it says “Wear a suit and a tie,” that’s what you do, you know? Zach is such a rock star, he’s wearing a T-shirt, Toughskins and some fucking Crocs and he’s like POTUS’s favorite son, all of a sudden. And then it’s my turn. I can’t follow him. I don’t have jokes. I just want to do my photo and get the fuck out of there. Obama’s like… He looks at the card. I don’t know if he knows who I am. He’s looking at me. I’m right there. Secret Service is right there. He goes, “Oh.” And he does his whole drawl… “Oh, it’s Ken! Hmm, yeah. We like Ken, don’t we?” I’m like, “What?” So, I walk in, he puts his arm around me, and I’m just… Same face. And he’s disappointed at me because, unlike Zach, I’m not doing anything. His exact words, “Come on, man. Loosen up, man. You’re a little stiff, man.” Literally, Galifianakis comes in and he goes, “This is how you entertain the president, Ken.” And he and Obama proceed to verbally roast me for five minutes. It was a roast battle. It was like fucking Jeselnik and Ross. Like, fucking… It was like… They were telling me to loosen up. And I’m like, “Well, I suppose I could loosen up my tie.” And Obama, I swear to God, he said the driest… He said, “No, I’ve seen your work. No nudity. It’s a family affair, a family show.” And that’s why I voted for Trump. Now… Because he’s a great guy. Not racist, rarely tweets. I got a Trump story, too, man. I had a… I could have met him. We were both booked to be on Jimmy Fallon together, a couple of years ago, when he was a presumptive Republican nominee, and I was the second guest. Dude, I am scared of Trump. Asians are fucking scared of Trump like Godzilla. We are just fucking scared. Dude, when Trump got elected, my daughter Zoey… She was just like, “Oh, my God. Do we have to bow to him?” I swear to God. And I’m, like,, “Yes. Yes, you do, Zoey.” Get your “bow” game on, bitch. He’s the president, all right? But I was so scared to meet him. I’m really frightened to meet him. And they’re like, fucking, “Why, dude?” I’m like, “Think about it, okay?” Stay with me for a second, all right? He’s a big Hangover fan, and wanted to meet me. He’s seen my fucking big bush in The Hangover, all right? He’s seen me naked. He’s seen my shiitake mushroom. You know what I mean? Just stay with me. What if he gets really horny and shit? You just don’t know. Horny or hangry or whatever the fuck he gets. When he gets aroused, all that Access Hollywood shit came out. What if he wants to grab my almost-pussy, guys? I don’t want to get “Me Too-ed” ‘ by the president! And that is when Ken Jeong became woke. You know, you don’t want that. Don’t worry, that’s not going to make it in the special. It’ll be fine. Because I don’t think he’s going to be around for that long, so… I swear to fucking God. When Obama is speaking, he goes, “How hard is it to condemn Nazism? How hard is it after Charlottesville to condemn racism?” You know, he’s appeasing to his racist alt-right base and shit. Even the racists are like, “Dude, tone it down, Donnie! Dude, we get it!” Even David Duke, “Whoa, save some racism for us! We get it. This is not how you’re racist.” For real, I was in Palm Springs, all right? Two hours south of here, thinking that would be safe, and I got fucking heckled by a Trump white-trash supporter, man. I’ve never been heckled by white trash before! I was just like… And it gave me no end of pleasure to say, “As a minority millionaire…” …you can suck on these Chinese nuts!” “And I’m Korean.” All right, all right. Gonna get all that… We’ll shake that off, shake that off. I’ll be back as Mr. Chow, Mr. Chow, Mr. Chow. You guys watch Dr. Ken? – Yeah! And that’s why it got canceled. Now… If I’m going to be honest with you right now… This is the most honest I’ll ever be, right now… It is like… Seriously, our show got canceled about a year ago, and I honestly am still down about it. I am so sad about it. I created that show. I was a writer on that show, executive producer on that show. We had five Asian-American people of color on an ABC series. It was my biggest accomplishment of my career. And I’ll tell you, as a guy who had 44 episodes of that show and I put my heart and life and blood and sweat into that show. What could be worse? I mean, this was like the worst thing that ever happened to a Hollywood guy, losing his Hollywood show. How life could get… How worse could life get than that? So there I am, sobbing in my mansion, eating some Pad Thai yelling at my houseboy. And I don’t have any gigs upcoming. I don’t have anything. I have nothing planned. I was like, “Jesus Christ. I hope I don’t have to go back and do stand-up at the Ice House or something.” I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. You know what I mean? I would hate that. But then the moment Dr. Ken got canceled, I got a call from the director of Crazy Rich Asians. And literally within an hour, I’m on a plane to Singapore, a 17-hour flight… And, by the way… To shoot my first scene in Crazy Rich Asians… And, by the way, that movie is the first all-Asian-American cast… Twenty-five years in a Hollywood film… …since The Joy Luck Club. Think about this, my first scene I shot that movie, the first scene, 24 hours prior, Dr. Ken had just been canceled. So, to me, that’s all I see when I see that movie. And that movie got me through everything. Because you know what? Director Jon M. Chu let me improvise. All that shit was just off the top of my head. Me and… Me and Aquafina… Aquafina… is my daughter. I love her so much. I’m Papa-fina to her Aquafina. We both improvised that shit. I mean, we were just on a fucking… It was so therapeutic. None of that shit was in the script. Cal State Fullerton is my… You know what I mean? That’s my new “Toodle-oo, motherfuckers,” you know what I mean? But it was amazing that I got to improvise that whole scene and get away with it. I mean, it was, like, crazy. We didn’t pay attention to the script to the point where the director was like, “What the fuck,” you know? And then you jump-cut a year later. It is the number one movie, three weeks in a row. Insane. None of us expected that. To have so much representation on the screen means everything to me, because that’s all I wanted Dr. Ken to be. I wanted Dr. Ken to show more Asian-Americans on the screen, and in Crazy Rich Asians, they did it in such grand style. Crazy Rich Asians actually allowed me to let go of Dr. Ken. So, everything’s so full-circle and so therapeutic. And what makes it even more full circle is that the director of Crazy Rich Asians is in the back, directing my Netflix special right now. All right, you don’t have to clap that fucking hard, all right? It’s my fucking show. All right, my whole point is, the moral of the story is that I’m a rich person who just got richer. Now… Yay, me. Yay, me. Uptown problems. All right. This is how comedians fucking get ready for their big show. They have a list of jokes, because this is how a real comedian does it. You know, I’m just gonna… You’ll see me just look at some of my stuff, like a good fucking Asian. Just kind of like a… After Dr. Ken, I had a lot of free time, so I actually went and did jury duty in Van Nuys. And what is the point of being famous if you can’t get out of fucking jury duty? True story, it was a murder trial. The defendant recognized me. And he looks at me, like… “Oh, shit!” “But did you die?” “Your honor, sidebar, your honor, please. Your honor, I can’t serve on this jury. I can’t put a fan in jail. It’ll ruin my brand, all right?” And she’s like, “Trust me, a lot of your fans are in the clink, so…” Nailed it. What I loved about doing Dr. Ken is that I got to actually put my daughter on the show. I actually have two kids. I have two daughters. Alexa, named after the Amazon Echo… and Zoey, named after Kravitz or Deschanel, depending if you’re black or white. Now… I got Zoey on the show. She played the stalker to my TV son. And her name was Emily and she is funnier than me. I actually am kind of like a… I’m like a tiger mom of Asian… Like, I want my daughter to be an actor, I won’t lie to you. Because I think she’s funnier than me and I was really wanting her to… And she was so good on the show, to the point that ABC wanted to make her a series regular. It was so exciting. I went up to Zoey. I said, “Oh, my God!” Isn’t it amazing? Do you want to be on more Dr. Ken?” She was like, “Do I have to?” Like, what the fuck? “You got a fresh-off-the-boat offer I don’t know about, or…?” “Are you leveraging me to get on Black-ish, bitch? I mean…” No, it turned out she just wants to be a normal kid, man. She just doesn’t even want to be an actor. She just wants to chart her own path, not unlike me when I told my father I wanted to chart my own path. So, far be it for me to deny my daughter that opportunity. So I wrote her out of the show and it was a great exit scene, and my wife and I were just standing, watching her. She did such an amazing job and as a father, I couldn’t be more proud of my independent daughter. But as a producer, if she ever decides to get back in the game, I’ll fucking crush her, all right? I get a lot of stuff where people think I’m kind of the model minority and it’s a lot of… I don’t know. I guess it’s a little heavy for me because, think about it… Like, oh, you’re a doctor, you’re an actor, you’re a comedian, you’re an Instagram model. You can do all of these things. And the truth of the matter, man… Like, no, when I was in med school, dude, I almost failed out of med school three times, dude. I was not a smart medical student. I actually failed my board entrance exams, like, three times. I mean, dude, they’re all multiple choice, eight-hour test and I just couldn’t do well on those exams. Those tests are fucking racially biased, all right? Against Asian students who don’t study very hard. Now… And I felt like, you know… I felt like a phony just walking around the halls of the hospital in med school. I felt like I got in only because it was my birthright. You know what I mean? I mean, here’s my interview for med school. So, Ken, tell me about yourself. – Well, I’m Korean. – Stop. Congratulations, you’re in. – That’s it? – That’s it. Small-dick scholarship. But I think that’s why I worked so hard as a physician. I worked at Kaiser Permanente for seven years, and I really did. I was very hardcore. I never joked around with my patients. I took that shit very, very seriously because everyone was like, “You always joke.” How about, “You never joked around?” I’m like, “No.” They were, “Come on, man, laughter is the best medicine.” “No, fuck that. Medicine is the best medicine! All right? Have you ever tried Klonopin? It’s amazing!” You know? And it’s not like I was like fucking Patch Adams or some shit like that, like a fucking clown. It’s not like I went up to some people and go, “Oh, you got herpes, but I got your nose! Honk! Honk!” Getting back to my wife. We’ve been together long time, right? A long time. I’ve been pimpin’ that Ho for 16 years, and… You know? And you know what? I love you so much. The pimping was easy. It was. You know what I miss about Tran? I miss, like… I was just thinking about this the other day. When we were engaged, you know, we were motivated as a couple, you know, we were just trying to impress each other and, quite frankly, we’re very, very different, okay? We’re very different on the surface, because she’s, like, from San Francisco. She’s uptown, she’s cosmopolitan, well-read. She’s very, very cultured. Me, I’m a redneck from North Carolina who loves wrestling, all right? So we’re a little different, even though… And the thing is, to impress her… She’s a big sci-fi fan. So, I read all three Lord of the Rings books just to show her I could fucking read. Well, I didn’t read it. I read the Cliff Notes. Well, most of the Cliff Notes. Most of it. And she’s also very outdoorsy and, like, you know. So we go for a hike in Eagle Rock and do all that shit. Eagle Rock! Exactly. All right, thank you. You live in Eagle Rock? – Yeah, I do. – That’s so cool, man. Can I get back to my story now? I’m kidding. Not even… She’s very outdoorsy and she loves to go hiking. We would go to Eagle Rock and shit like that. It was a lot. We actually went camping at Yosemite for, like, 10 days. I fucking hate camping, all right? I fucking hate that. I mean, who wants to take a shit in the woods, – you know what I mean? – Yeah! Think about that! Who wants to… Really? You love doing that? You like digging a hole and taking a fucking shit in the woods and putting that dirt back on? That’s your idea of fun? Not me. I’m more of a Four Seasons type of gal, all right? Not me, guys. I won’t even glamp as a millionaire, okay? But that’s the thing. That’s the fun of the courtship, because you really want to prove yourself. And, you know, everything changes the moment we got married. And the moment I fucking trapped her. And it was just… Because when we got home from our honeymoon, she was looking at the calendar. “Oh, my God. I was just thinking, honey, you love camping so much, maybe we should go back to Yosemite next month.” I’m like, “Oh, no, I paid my dues, Ho. Off to the cinema!” All right guys, to be brutally honest, man, I wanted to do stand-up because… You know, throughout the last 10 years of my life, you have highs and lows, and everything is all good. And then you realize, man, I’m nothing without my wife. I’m nothing without my family. It’s true. And the reason why I chose the Ice House is because, for the very first time that Tran saw me do comedy, it was right here at the Ice House. That’s the reason why I wanted to do it. It’s full circle. And my wife Tran is a breast cancer survivor, going on 10 years cancer-free. Ten years, cancer-free. And she is the strongest person I know, all right? All right, here is her story. Tran was breastfeeding Alexa and Zoey when they were one year old and she found a lump on her breast, all right? And then we had to get it biopsied and it turned out to be benign, according to the path report. And we were fine with that. This is great, it was benign. We’re both doctors. Okay, we’ll see what it is. Maybe it’s an infection, maybe it’s something else. And it got bigger, and it got bigger and bigger. And it wasn’t getting better with antibiotics or supportive therapy. We got it re-biopsied, actually, and it came back Stage 3 triple-negative breast cancer, with a 23% chance of survival. Spoiler alert! She’s here right now, she’s healthy. She’s doing great. She’s doing great. You are the strongest person that I know, because two days before she started her chemotherapy, where she would lose all of her hair and become really weak, she decided, she took her eight-hour standardized board exam, the one that I failed, and she passed it with flying colors! And I’m thinking to myself, “That Ho,” you know? It’s just so great. And she has had… She’s such a champ. She has the presence of mind. She goes, “You know what? I’m going to beat the cancer, so I might as well beat that exam.” She is so clutch, man. She was like Reggie Miller against the Knicks in ’95, where she’s scoring, like, fucking eight points to beat… She’s a Vietnamese Reggie Miller, that’s what she is. Or she’s Vietnamese John Cena, but she didn’t do this fucking bullshit. You know what I mean? Sidebar. By the way, I hosted WWE Raw with John Cena years ago and WWE asked me to host. They’re like, “Do you want to do this?” “Sure, I’m an actor. I fake, wrestling’s fake. What could go wrong, all right?” And then, on the day, John Cena lifts me up for a body slam, throws me over the top rope and the five motherfuckers who were supposed to catch me… didn’t. Wrestling is fucking real. He throws me over the top rope, I hit the concrete, my head hits the wooden plank. You hear the sound of my head hitting the plank. I had to call Tran after Raw went off the air to assure her I’m okay. My whole point is, John Cena absolutely sucks. He does, I’m just saying. But getting back to my wife, a fucking miracle happened. After the first dose of chemotherapy, after the first dose of adriamycin, all her cancer went away. It was amazing. We did a blood test, all normal. We did an MRI, all normal. PET scan, CAT scan, ultrasound mammogram, all normal. It was a miracle from God, Allah, Oprah or Tom Cruise. I tell you… I think it was Tommy, I really do. Which brings me, by the way, to my next point, or my next medical tip. All right, dude, if any woman who wants to get a mammogram for any reason, ask your doctor to get a mammogram. If you’re concerned about breast cancer, ask your doctor for a mammogram for any reason. And if that doctor says you can’t get a mammogram because you don’t fall under the criteria, go to another fucking doctor who will get you that mammogram, all right? That’s what I’m passionate about. We got to stand up to cancer. And that’s what we got to do. And it was at the same point where we found out Tran’s cancer was gone I got offered the part of Mr. Chow in The Hangover. And I turned it down, actually, because Tran had 12 more rounds of chemo to go. You have to go full circle with that. You got to go, more chemo, more radiation, more procedures. And I’m like, “No, I don’t want to leave my family.” Tran was, like, “You got to do this. It’s only like a four-day trip out in Vegas, you’ll be fine. This will be healthy for you. You and I both know on the inside tip that the cancer is gone.” I’m like, “No, I don’t think I can do that.” And it was actually Todd Phillips, the writer-director of The Hangover. He did Old School with Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell. He convinced me to do the movie. Directors are, by nature, like, fucking geniuses or evil manipulators. That’s what they are. Like, in Hangover III, I was doing a scene with John Goodman in a Bangkok prison, and I was just doing this scene, and there’s a Thai toddler who’s, like, three years old, and basically I was, like, trying to do some improv in my acting, hoping that scene will make it in. So I look at the toddler, I surprise him, I go, “What are you looking at, you little shit?” And he starts crying. You know, it was, like… So, it didn’t make it into the movie. And then, so, Todd comes out of the video booth. Like, “Chow, come on!” And he’s, like, yelling at me like a dog. He never calls me “Ken.” He’s like, “Bad Chow! Bad Chow,” like a dog. If he had a newspaper, he’d hit me with it. And it was, like, “Apologize!” I said, “I am so sorry.” “Apologize to the mother!” – “I am so sorry.” – “Good!” And then he turns around and whispers in my ear, “Do it again. Amazing.” By the way, it was my idea to get naked in The Hangover. Did you guys know that? Yup, that’s right. Ha-ha! My wife said it’ll be the feel-good movie of the summer, because every guy will go home feeling good about themselves. That’s my Ho, so… But if anyone, like, kind of broke me out of my depression, it was Todd Phillips. And, by the way, like, I didn’t cry for six months, you know, because I wanted to be strong for my family and I actually prescribed myself antidepressants. Of all the shit I could prescribe myself, like weed, oxycodone, all these drugs… Even the pharmacist looked at my script, said, “Celexa? Pussy!” You know? “Wow, this is the most aggressive Rite Aid I’ve ever been to.” And when you’re on an antidepressant, you can’t cry. Lord knows I tried. I tried stabbing myself in the balls, manipulating my taint. Most of my approaches were genital-based. Now… But if anyone broke me out of that spiral and made me cry, it was Todd Phillips. This guy fucking saved my life, ’cause he went to me… Every day, he would say, like… Because he comes from a family of oncologists, he knew the situation. He said, “Look, we don’t have to finish the movie with you in it. We can always do pickups and reshoots around you.” This is a big, blockbuster Hollywood movie. No director will ever offer this, but he said to me, “I will make sure that I’ll fly you from Vegas to LA every time Tran has her chemo.” And he did. He did not have to do that. It was amazing. And on the last day of filming, Bradley Cooper actually drove me from Vegas to LA to see Tran and to see how she was doing. These guys… Go back full-circle, Everyone’s like, “Why do you love The Hangover so much?” Why is it the best thing that ever happened in my life? Because it saved my fucking life, all right? It was so therapeutic to me. Even if I wasn’t rich and famous, which I am. And on my last day of filming, I got really emotional, and for the first time in months, I just started breaking down and crying. I was like, “Thank you so much, man. You know, you have no idea what you did for me.” And I was just teary-eyed, and I went in for a hug. And Todd’s just like… because he’s not a hugger. I’m like, “What the fuck, dude? I just bared my soul to you.” He goes… I was like, “What the…?” And then I realized my dick was on his thigh. My whole point is, like my dick, life is short, all right, guys? Take chances, be brave. Long story short, Tran is here doing well. Ten years cancer-free. Our kids are doing great. There are new Hos sprouting up everywhere across the land. And I have my first Netflix special because of you guys. For a bit of nostalgia, I love to do selfie videos at the end of every show to encapsulate this. So I just want to kind of do this really quick for you guys. It’s like doing a movie. It’s a lot of fun. Guys, Ice House! Doing my first Netflix special! You guys have a good time? Wow, let me meet some people. This is a Ho. And this is a Ho. But my favorite Ho is in the back. And this is my favorite club. Love you, Ice House! Love you, Netflix! Toodle-oo, motherfuckers! Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Love you guys. Dana Lee! Why don’t you stand up, man? He played my father, DK. Come on! Come on up here, Dana. Come on up here. – You gonna cut this? – Oh, fuck, yeah, I’m gonna cut this. No, you’re not gonna be in this. And, by the way, one of the stars of The Joy Luck Club is here. We’ll just get a camera on her. I know she doesn’t want it. Give it up her for Ming-Na, right there. See, Dana? She didn’t come up here like a whore, and just like… And to make things even more full-circle, the director of my Netflix special, Jon Chu… is right here. All right, dude, you don’t have to fucking stand for him, you know what I mean? I just wanted you guys to wave, man. This is my fucking show, Jon. What the fuck?

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Enissa Amani: Ehrenwort (2018) Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/enissa-amani-ehrenwort-2018-full-transcript/

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL Hey, what’s up? What’s up? You’re all standing, that’s so sweet! Camera, did you get a shot of them standing? They’re standing! Thank you. But sit down, sit down! Sit down, sit down. Alaikum salaam. Hamburg, I’m so proud, you can’t even imagine. Of course I’m extremely nervous, but I’m just so proud. I chose Hamburg for this special, this beautiful… Isn’t this a beautiful theater? We have really beautiful theaters in Germany. So classy with the chandelier… in this street full of brothels. That’s very… Seriously. That’s kind of my life. An elegant street surrounded by brothels. No, I like it. I’m proud to be here. I have… No, it was a little difficult. We had to pay protection money to some random guys. We wanted to play in this theater, and these guys were like, “Yeah… why?” We were like, “It’s for Netflix.” They were like, “Who’s that?” Allah, I don’t even know. I’m so happy, I’m so… Hey, I’m… That’s probably already been mentioned. I’m very, very proud. I’m the first woman in Germany, and the third person in general… After two gentlemen, I’m the first woman with a Netflix Original in Germany. I’m so proud… Thank you! Hey, listen! Hey, wait. Hang on. That doesn’t count. Stop the shenanigans. You either clap right away, sincerely… But not after a second’s hesitation, like… A lot of people don’t know what that is. A Netflix Original is… Also these… Hang on. Original means there is this, you know, Netflix logo at the beginning. That means people who are watching this saw it, too. The Netflix logo comes first, and then there’s this “duh-dun.” That’s it, really. That’s the whole difference, you know? Really, there’s this “duh-dun.” Netflix reached out to me. At first I was like, “No, I don’t know… I’m, like, artsy and stuff. Really, I don’t want anything to do with TV. I only want to do live shows, art and stuff.” Then Netflix made an offer, and all I heard was “duh-dun,” Allah. I was like, “Okay, I’m on my way. Hang on.” But this is Germany, you know? If you think, “Damn, Enissa is rich now,” think again. Right away, the taxman was like, “Duh-dun!” I swear. I haven’t paid yet. The day after tomorrow, the debt collector will be like, “Duh-dun!” Freelancers… Do we have any freelancers here tonight? You know how that is. Since I’ve… Do you try to deduct everything, too? Everything. I try to deduct everything. I even try to deduct thoughts. I called the taxman, I was like, “I had a thought.” I want to handle that correctly, I believe in the system. You know? I want to… I do little extra things. Like I’m trying to get sick so I can go to the doctor. Then I can deduct that. I’m really very proud, I mean… Forget Netflix, I mean in general. No, I love them, I swear. More than anything. They’re paying so much! So… I love them. Do you all watch Stranger Things? Please watch it. What are you watching right now? Watch everything! Watch Stranger Things and this Dark… That new show. Dark… It’s a German Netflix Original, the first. Watch that. The Netflix people are here tonight, too. They’re sitting somewhere, Illuminati-style… like, “Okay…” What else is there to watch? Is there porn on Netflix? Is there news on Netflix? News would be cool. I’d watch a whole season in advance. That’d be a spoiler. In Germany, you have to be careful. We are not that relaxed. I’m so proud, I’ve been performing in English for a year now. I’m extremely proud. It’s intense to perform abroad. But it’s also a little different, you know? In Germany, people know me, they get excited. People ask me in the street to have their picture taken with me. Bless you. They ask… Seriously, someone was like… It’s really cool. People know me by now, I’m very proud. People are so kind, they approach me in the street. “Hey, I like what you do, I like your work,” and so on. But then you go abroad, and you are just… nobody. Just… You’re abroad, so of course you start over. I’m nobody. I’m a total loser. I’m like this guy. You know? I’m just… Seriously! Abroad, I’m just like him. He is… Sorry. Him. Just kidding. He is really cute. He is… You’re sitting front row. Front row is always fucked, you know? Front row, man… Who has never been to a comedy show before? Never? Ever? You’ve been to one before? And you make the same mistake again. Front row, dear? Just kidding. What’s your name? Yannis. I’m such a Yannis when I’m abroad. A proper… Abroad, seriously, I’m just Yannis. I’m him. Give it up for Yannis, please. He did so well. Yannis has… I want to tell you something about being abroad. Germans complain that American or British stand-up comedians are the best. Right? Our idols are mostly American or British comedians. That’s true. Those from the UK, from London, are phenomenal, true. But listen, guys, seriously, the audience is different, too. The audience… It’s a reciprocal thing. We have to deliver, you have to enjoy yourselves. Here in Germany, we’re all a little reserved. You know? Abroad, I perform with a mixed lineup, with different colleagues. In the audience there are people… Absolutely nobody knows who I am, they don’t know whether I’m good or funny, or what I look like. Nothing. And then you get announced, and before they even see you, the Americans go nuts. You know what they’re like. They stand up and yell, applaud and stuff… In Germany, it’s… Hang on. In Germany, there are people who buy their tickets seven months in advance. Seven months in advance. They’re so excited to see the show, they might even honor you by saying they’re a fan or something. Right? Then you come out on stage, and they are sitting there like that. Really. Like that! I just busted some people. Yeah! I swear. They have this mindset, this inner mindset, they are like, “Well, it might be nice.” It’s confusing for us here on stage. I mean, I can see you. I don’t know if he’s fine or miserable, if he’s a Nazi… I don’t know! I don’t know what… But I love… We have to… The ease… That’s what’s missing a little. The ease. We’ve got people like… Up here is Yannis, for example. Then we have… Yannis, where are you from? Originally? Are you German? Where are my Germans at? Wait, no. Guys… She’s only yelling… Normally, Germans would never yell. You just… All other nationalities yell. No matter whom you ask. Poles, Russians, Iranians, Turks, everyone. And Germans… Even though they are a majority, even in my audience. When I ask, “Where are the Germans?” They’re like, “Mm-hm, yes… We are present, yes. I have also purchased a ticket. Tim, raise your hand, too!” Germans… Germans love their understatement. See, us migrants… Even if it’s just one person, you know? I ask, “Where are the Turkish people?” Why this unnecessary pride? Why? It’s… Same thing with Iranians, even if it’s only one person. Where are the Iranians? Why? I always think they do the same thing at the UN, like when they have a vote. Everyone is against it, and the Iranians go… “Not us, we are all for it. As a matter of principle.” I thank the Turks for coming, and the Iranians. Where are the Kurds? Very nice. Did you see that? And he did right by sitting very far from the Turks. Well done. Honey, stay there for safety reasons. Do we have more Turks, Kurds, who are…? Who are sitting together? Turks and Kurds? Wow! Is the press here tonight? Please write, “Enissa Amani is bringing peace to the world.” Please write that. It’s so good. Really? Turks and… Turks, Kurds. I’m proud. That makes me really proud. Let me tell you, here in this beautiful theater… Wherever I’ve performed, I’m not kidding, no matter how big the location was, even in an arena, no matter how many people were there, if you ask, “Are there any Turks here?” one side screams. If you ask for Kurds, the other side screams. I always ask myself, how do they separate… How? 6000 guests. Is there anyone at the entrance who’s like, “Good evening. You are Turkish? Please sit on the right. You are Kurdish? Please sit on the left.” How do they do that? I love this world-peace stuff. We actually do have the press here. The newspaper Bild accredited themselves. Jerks, all of them. Yeah. Really, that’s how they get in touch. Bild writes an e-mail to the agency, like, “We would like to accredit ourselves for this evening.” What they’re saying is, they want to come. You know? Why do they even use words like that when their readers don’t even get them? Why “accredit”? Those sons of bitches. It’s true, you shouldn’t fuck with them. I love the Bild newspaper. To be honest, they treat me very nicely. I talk shit about them, they write nice stuff about me. No idea why. They are really… No, please, subscribe to Bild. They’re great. Please do. Seriously, they have a lot of power. Check it out. There is always a whore on the first page. Check it out. -Who is this guy in the front? -Fatih. -Fatih? Where’s this name from? -Turkey. From Turkey. Fatih here… I’ll give you a good example. You know? Listen. One, two, three… In the fourth row, there is a classy lady with a groomed haircut and a scarf. She is from the intellectual camp, you know? You can see it. This lady has already seen a theater from the inside, you know? It’s not her first time in the St. Pauli theater. What’s your name, my dear? -Monika. -Monika. All right. Listen. See, I’m very proud of this mixed audience, but it makes it very hard for me to write stand-up. Because I have to write a set that Monika likes… but which also amuses Fatih. That is a little bit… It’s not easy. With a mixed audience, it’s not easy. But it’s cool. Normally, if the show is going well, Monika will meet Fatih by accident in St. Pauli tomorrow, and then Monika will say to Fatih, “Hey, bro, what’s up?” You know? It’s like… It’s important to me that you’re relaxed. You’re here to have fun, aren’t you? Doing stand-up, I’ve realized, is the coolest job ever, because I really believe in karma, and for one evening it’s my job to make people laugh. The thing is, this has been proven, the live audience in Germany… Every other person attending a live comedy show is someone who is having a hard time. Look, someone’s nodding already. Seriously, the girl in the fifth row… “I was about to kill myself, but I thought I want to see Enissa one last time.” I’ve already done one side. No, really. I do it myself. If I feel bad, I go watch a comedy show. And I don’t mean stupid everyday worries that we all have, like financial problems. I don’t have those anymore, I’m doing really well. No, I mean it. We all have our everyday problems, I’m not talking about those. I mean people who are having a hard time because of a sickness, accident, disability. We often have… And I’m really proud of that. We have people here who come to the signing session afterwards and say, “Hey, comedy means a lot to me. It gives me strength, makes me laugh.” I’m so proud of my job because… I get to make people happy for one evening. They should laugh and forget their worries. But you need to be relaxed for that. There’s no need to overthink things. Listen, I ask people about their nationalities. In the beginning, I ask if there are Germans, Russians, Poles… I ask around. And at night, one person posts on my Facebook page: “Yeah, but you didn’t ask about Macedonians.” Because nobody cares, dumbass. I should ask about Macedo… What is this? I’m just kidding. I love Macedonians. Are there any Macedonians here? There really is one! I love Macedonians, really. She is really pretty, she doesn’t even look like a whore. Welcome! Wow, Hamburg, Allah… I swear, honey… I really do, sweetie. Did the camera get the pretty girl? I just wanted to check how horrible they are. I love Mace… In my opinion, Macedonians are the smartest, most intellectual, beautiful, amazing women and men on the planet. Just great. They are never whores. Czechs are whores. Macedonians… Seriously. Are there any Czechs here? Really? I swear, I love Czechs. Honestly, I love Czechs. They are the best. They are the smartest, greatest… Relax, people. Listen, sometimes I perform… I’ll give you two examples on how to be relaxed. Sometimes I’m invited to do a cabaret. I’m very proud of it. And when I’m invited to do a cabaret, there are older, renowned colleagues, whom I’m a huge fan of myself. It’s a great honor to share a stage with them. But of course, it’s a different audience. You go out on stage, the audience isn’t as diverse as mine. Yannis is here, Fatih is here, Monika is here. No, you get on stage, the entire audience is 80 years or older. Everyone, seriously. So much white hair you think you’re standing in a field of cotton. Really. I would… Yeah. And then… It’s good… But still, I’m proud to perform there. But a different generation means a different use of language, a different jargon. They don’t get everything. If you, you know… If you come from a different generation, you speak a little differently. But it’s good. I perform in a cabaret, they’re laughing, I’m proud. I think, “Cool, this is going down well.” I tell them about my childhood… But I’ve also had cabaret shows when I suddenly said something like “son of a bitch,” and the whole audience was startled. The whole… You could sense it, they were all, like, frozen, you know? And you think, “Oh, no, what happened? Did they die?” You can’t know for sure, can you? It’s my job to entertain them, right? I had a cabaret show close to Münster, and I… Everyone was laughing. I was talking about my childhood, and at some point I said “son of a bitch,” and everyone was shocked. I thought, “Oh, no, I have to explain it.” So I told them, first of all, I’d never say such a thing in private. Never. Yeah, okay, if I say Nazis are sons of bitches, well… Or ISIS, okay. But I’d never say it to a person, really. Never. If there are younger people are here, I’ve done my bit for their upbringing. I would never… I wouldn’t do that. That’s just not done. But on stage, well, that’s different. I tried to explain it, but it was in vain. There was an elderly gentleman in the first row. Very elegant, groomed. He was a lot older. He wore a suit jacket and was listening intently. I thought, I’m gonna talk to him, that’s how I’ll save the situation. I wanted him to understand that it was just fun. So I asked him, I went, “Excuse me, how did you insult your peers in your youth? When you were young, what was the ultimate expletive? When you were a teenager, what was the worst thing you said when you got really, really angry?” And he said… He tilted his head back and looked at me sternly. He said, “When I was young, Miss Amani… we were not cussing at all.” I said, “Well, you weren’t allowed to in the Hitler Youth.” I’m glad you’re laughing. They didn’t laugh at all. Wait, hang on, speaking of examples of how to be relaxed… Before anybody can say, “Oh, she called the old guy a Nazi!” No, I didn’t. Well, yes, I did, but… I swear to you, this guy was so cool. He was so relaxed and had such a great understanding of comedy. He understood right off that I was joking. How would I know whether he was a Nazi? He probably was, but I wouldn’t know. I can’t… No, he was really… After that, he really loosened up, laughed along, and understood that it’s my job to be quick-witted, that it’s not… And then he really got involved. My next bit was something about bitches from Berlin. So I asked the same gentleman, “Sorry, do you know the word ‘bitch’?” And he said, “No, but I know where Berlin is.” He was… Like I said, such a cool guy. He even gave me a fist bump. And I thought, it’s so cool he had such an understanding for comedy. Much more than most 18-year-olds. That he just grasped… I went backstage very proudly, and I gave that gentleman some tickets. I was at a cabaret show with four older colleagues, we each had 15-minute sets. And I said to that gentleman, “You know what? When I’m in the city with my solo show, my live show, I’d like to give you tickets. Bring your wife, be my guests.” He’s still one of my biggest fans, comes to a lot of shows. So I’m going backstage, and I want to tell my colleagues about the guy in the front row. I’m so proud, I want to tell them how cool he was… And again, my generation’s slang, I said, “Did you see that bastard in the front row?” And my colleague was like, “Yeah, that was my father.” After that… After that, cabaret was like “ciao.” Monika, “cabaret ciao” means… Kids nowadays use the word “ciao” for something that is over, you know? They say, like, “Blah, blah, ciao.” For instance… You are Yannis’ girlfriend, right, hun? Oh, wife even? So if in two years’ time… you don’t want him anymore, you say, “Yannis, ciao.” Did you get that, Monika? Yeah. Kids create a lot of new words nowadays. I can’t even keep up. A new use of language has developed in the urban area, in pop culture. They don’t use articles anymore. They say stuff like, “Listen, I’m going shop.” This doesn’t mean they don’t know how it’s supposed to be. It’s just cool not to use them anymore. There’s no need to correct them and say, “Sorry, it’s ‘to the shop.'” They do it on purpose. Seriously, I have a younger cousin, he is about 18. When he speaks, you’d think he had one single brain cell. But he is really smart, I mean it. He’s studying economics, he’s tutoring students, getting the best grades. But when he talks to me, he uses new expressions all the time. Just recently… Sometimes I like to ask him about music, about what kids are listening to nowadays, about rappers… I ask him, “Hey…” His name is Taymas. I go, “Taymas, can you tell me what’s so great about this Kendrick Lamar?” Monika, Kendrick Lamar… Let Fatih explain it to you after the show. He is… Anyway, doesn’t matter. He’s some rapper who is hyped in the US. So I’m asking my cousin, “Why is Kendrick Lamar so famous? What is so different about him? Why is he better than other rappers? Explain it to me.” And he says to me, “Enissa, he’s just a Pisko, dude.” I go, “Excuse me, what is he?” He says, “He’s a Pisko!” I go, “What is a Pisko? What… Is it something good or bad? Is he sick? What is it?” And he says, “No, man, he’s a Pisko, like a psycho, like extreme!” I go, “What? Is he good extreme or bad extreme? Should we collect donations or…” Seriously, how would I know? The way young people talk today… “He’s a Pisko, Enissa.” Then I go, “Come on, Taymas, please. Just explain it to me. I’d like to know, because everyone says… Explain it.” He goes, “I can’t, he’s a Pisko!” Then I get upset, I say, “Taymas, listen, there are authors… Hemingway for instance. He was known for describing things with such detail and so beautifully that even without ever having seen or heard of it, you could somehow visualize it. I don’t know, the taste of a fruit, for instance. Beautifully described. Something like, ‘a pear is sandy on your tongue,’ or something similar. Explain it to me like that.” He’s like, “I can’t, I’m not Hemingway.” I go, “I’m aware of that, but… But it would be nice if you tried.” So he started to… And this is the truth. I didn’t write this, it really happened. My cousin said to me, “Enissa, listen. Lyrically, he is on a level like no rapper ever before him, and at the same time he manages to convey socio-critical topics in his raps, while also being completely self-reflective, and…” I swear, he performed a monologue. I was… Seriously, I was so flabbergasted that he could express himself like that. I stood before him, I was like, “Oh, why didn’t you say so? He’s a Pisko! He is…” I didn’t even know. You just don’t know. Another thing the youths use nowadays… Fatih, too, I’m sure of it. They always say… When they admire someone, like a person, a personality, they say, “He is an ‘honor man.’” Do you know this, Fatih? It’s all over my Instagram account. I’m quoting some statement from Goethe, and someone writes, “Goethe was an honor man.” Really. Check my Instagram, I’m not lying. I posted a video of Pocahontas, a Disney movie, and someone commented, “Pocahontas was an honor woman.” What is this “honor man”? I don’t even know… They describe everything with it. “He was an honor man.” I arrived in Hamburg today, we stood at the beautiful river, Alster. I went, “Damn, a total honor river.” This theater is a total honor theater. I think it sucks that guys are not fighting over girls anymore. Right? Be honest. I know, the new political correctness and stuff, but sometimes I miss that. Right? When was the last time…? Honey, when was the last…? Has Yannis ever fought with someone over you? Never, am I right? You’d think he is a total pussy. You’d think… You’d think he is politically correct, but… Listen, he is well-built. Yannis is really well-built. Fatih, you don’t even have to look at him like that. Follow his example. He’s eating gluten-free stuff. Just fight over a woman! That’s nice. The first and last time guys were fighting over me was in fourth grade. It was in fourth grade, I swear. Welcome to the show. It was… I had… It was in fourth grade. Two guys, Daniel and Francisco. It was total nonsense. We were just kids, it wasn’t even… They said, “We are fighting over Enissa.” I was so happy. I walked around the whole school and told everyone, “Daniel and Francisco are fighting over me… after sixth period, in the park.” I told everyone. “Daniel and Francisco are fighting over me. Oh, no, I don’t want them to…” So I gathered the whole school in the park after sixth period. You know what they did? They were there, standing face to face, and then they made up. Seriously, one of them said, “Whatever… I’m in love with Julia anyway.” It’s the same thing today. Guys have become so politically correct. They would say, “No, brother, you love her more. I want Julia anyway.” Are there any gays here tonight? I have a big gay fan community. Of course, yes. What’s your name, honey? -Michael. -Mi… What? -Gian. -Gian. That’s a very gay name. Welcome to the show, Gian. Gian is here. I’m so happy! It’s nice, I have gay fans. Anyone else? Anyone else gay? Only Gian? -What? -In the back. In the back, of course. In the… I swear… Guys… Hey! This is supposed to be a PG evening. Calm down, Hamburg. No one is going to believe me that this really happened. Hamburg, you’re my witnesses. This really happened. I swear, he is a total honor gay. -What’s the gay in the back called? -Michael. Michael. Come sit with Gian. Michael and Gian. I’m very happy about my gay fans. They’re very… Do I have les…? I always have… Where are the lesbian fans? Really? Wow! So many! Not bad. Here, over there. I’m very proud of the lesbians, too. Up front, two lesbians, third row. What’s your name? It’s an outing. You know this special will be shown internationally, yes? So if your grandmother in Gummersbach… didn’t know, well, she knows now. What are your names? May I out you internationally? Is that okay? What’s your name? No, I’m not… Am I cross-eyed, dude? There are so many lesbians here. Second row is answering, third row… Yannis is thinking, “Not bad,” because… I’m… Yannis is… Fatih is thinking… Fatih… Fatih looked over there, too. He’s like, “Just you wait. One night with me and she won’t be a lesbian anymore.” Fatih… No. Fatih has a very pretty woman beside him. She’s very cute. Are you together? Weird, because she is really pretty, and he’s, like, okay. No, he is good-looking, too. Like I said, the front row is screwed. So, what are these two lesbians called? -Come again? -Sunny. -Sunny? -That’s right. -Naddl. -Naddl? Sunny and Naddl. Yes, those are very strong lesbian names. Sunny and Naddl. I’m happy, I’m so proud. A very cool community supporting me here. I like it when… I really like it when… I get asked this a lot, I don’t know why. If you’re a woman in the public eye, people ask you, for instance, “What’s important to you in a relationship?” I was raised by a feminist woman. A lot of people known that… Know that. “Known that.” So much for correct language. A lot of people known that an honor woman raised me. A feminist, my mother. Since I was raised that way, women’s rights are very important to me. But listen, I like it when a guy is slightly dominant. Slightly. If he says stuff like, “If you do that…” “…you’ll be whipped?” Yeah, it has to be subtle, that’s important. It shouldn’t be, like… For example, “I’ll break your legs.” That’s good, right? It could be even more subtle. He calls you up, he’s like, “Go get life insurance.” Seriously. “Go Allianz. Get life insurance.” I like that. We are still in the intro. I haven’t even started the set yet. This is supposed to be a 60-minute special. That’s really… In case you didn’t get it, what I wanted to tell you with all this… is that right now, there is a special offer at Rewe… If you buy two large bottles of Head & Shoulders shampoo, you get a small one for free. What’s going on with Rewe, dude? I don’t know if I’m even allowed to say that. I love them. I go shopping there, all right? I stand there in the line, reading my Bild newspaper. But… There’s a new Rewe store opening up every ten feet. As I was raised by revolutionary parents, this is still a big part of me. I have a little revolutionary in me. I want to change the world. I want to have more justice, I’m trying… I do a lot of charity work. But again, typically German, you’re not supposed to talk about it. You know? Germans love understatement. You’re supposed to do good, but don’t… Why? I want to brag about it. Let me… I want to write on my Facebook page, “I did a good deed today.” But it’s really like that. When you travel a little… I help charity organizations, and I realize that a lot of people help. The world has become so small. It’s not just famous people. Everyone, whether rich or poor, doesn’t matter. People are helping, but nevertheless, unfortunately, every eight minutes, a child dies because of a lack of water supply. It’s bullshit! And on this side of the Earth, a Rewe opens up every ten feet. Every ten feet! You walk along, boom, another Rewe. What’s going on here? How many more…? Boom, Rewe. When I get back home to Cologne today, a Rewe will be in my living room. Somebody will be placing yogurt on my bookshelves. What’s wrong with them? But I admit, we’re all like this. Even the best of us. Even people I consider idols in terms of how dedicated they are, what they do for this world. But in the end… Listen, here’s an example. I’d been driving an ancient, rusty Audi for a long time. I had it from my student days. Then everything went so fast. Four years ago, I’m not kidding, I was still a law student, but I only enrolled because of the student metro ticket. I was the kind of person who went shopping and paid with eight different cards. “Excuse me, could you charge three euros on this card and two on this one? And I still have 800 reward points, could you cash them…?” Like that. “Can I buy a yogurt with these reward points?” Anyway… An honor yogurt. Anyway… No, but… That’s the kind of person I was. And then it all happened so fast, and I’m so happy. I’m glad that I can pass this on to young girls. I’m so happy because… I wanted to… There are brilliant female comedians in Germany, but there weren’t any whom I could identify with. Where I could say that she’s my type of woman, that she’s like me in terms of style and the type of woman I am. Since I do this, I’m happy to get messages from young girls who say, “Hey, Enissa, I want to do the same.” It makes me really proud. But I noticed that it kind of changed my view of the world. These past four years… I try to stay the same Enissa, and I’m happy to say that I still am. People write me, “It’s cool that you’ve stayed the same. That you still comment on and update your site yourself.” That’s me. I like answering people. But… I was driving this ancient, rusty Audi, and everyone asked, “Why do you still drive that? It’s got 10,000 miles on it, dents in the front and in the back.” And I’m like, “No, that’s the last piece of the old me.” But then I also have this other side. So I got myself the biggest pimp car that Mercedes had to offer. Seriously. An AMG GT S. Yeah, man. Complete with the whole pimp package. It’s got everything. Yeah. Seriously. I know it’s bad for the environment, but I always rub the outside with olive oil, right? It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. I had three gigs on open stages in cafés. They have open stages in every major city. Hamburg, too, it’s great. You just go there and sign up, like, “Hey, I wrote a text I’d like to perform.” I did that in the summer of 2013, not so long ago. I was still a student. There were 18 people eating their salads. Nobody was paying attention. I think this guy was there on that day, am I right? What’s your name, dear? -Daniel. -Daniel. Stalker. Anyway, Daniel… Shit. Daniel was there, I’m sure. Daniel is an honor fan. Daniel was there. So I performed there and sent it to comedy shows that I knew from TV. I sent it to a bunch of them. A few actually answered and said, “Hey, we like your performance. Do you have more?” I said, “No.” But they still invited me, and it went so fast. Before my first performance on TV, I created a Facebook page on the fly. I had no idea how this would work, being on TV and everything, millions of people watching me. My site immediately had 500 followers, all my cousins from Iran. So I performed there… It was taped in the afternoon and broadcast in the evening. After the show, I went home, sat on the couch and watched it myself. And I was so… After the show, all of a sudden I had 3000 followers. That was so surreal for me. I had 800 messages in my Facebook inbox. It was so much. I was just so overwhelmed that I couldn’t sleep for two nights, I was so nervous. I answered each and every message. People were writing, for instance, “Nice performance.” And I sent them back texts this long. Seriously. I was like, “You know, I came here with my family from Iran, then this happened and that happened…” I wrote so much, people started to block me, you know? They were like, “All right, all right! We just wanted to say it was nice.” I went, “No, why can’t we be friends?” Nowadays… Nowadays, people think a lot of things… To be honest, I thought that as well. From a certain point on, you imagine that famous people… You think that they live very glamorous lives. I was kind of looking forward to that, to be honest. I thought… I thought it would be… Germans in general… Listen, I have to clarify this, because there are always people going “huh?” right away. First of all, I myself am German. I definitely consider myself German. I’m German and Iranian, sure. I love both countries, they are both close to my heart. But Germany is clearly my home. I mean, I’ve seen Iran three times for two weeks at a time, you know? Yannis has been to Iran more often than me. So it’s a little… But I love Iran. I’m fluent in both languages. But the thing is… It’s so sweet, when I’m abroad performing my stand-up in English… I think it’s sweet. When people ask what I am, I say, “I’m German.” Immediately, it’s a reflex. I don’t say, “I’m from Germany,” I say, “I’m German.” I found it so cool that my comedy peers abroad just said, “The German girl.” When performing at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, I was introduced as “the German girl.” Nobody questioned it. Nobody said, “She doesn’t really look German.” I was just “the German.” And I’m very proud of that, but on stage, of course I sometimes say things that are a little problematic with my Iranian background. Like when I say “the Germans.” By that I mean, which should be obvious, my German friends who don’t have an immigrant background. They are still out there somewhere, nobody is perfect. Wait, stop! Guys… That’s so sweet. I love it. Thank you. The Germans applaud self-ironically, thank you, while the immigrants are like, “Are we allowed to laugh about that?” “No idea. Let’s ask Fatih.” You should be self-ironic. Anyway, on stage, I often say words like Kanake. Difficult terms. I have friends with immigrant backgrounds who would be totally offended if someone called them Kanake, regardless of who said it. I think it’s a term that has become more common in urban areas, kind of. It’s become part of popular culture. You can use the term Kanake, but it’s a little bit like the N-word in the US. So if you’re gonna use it, you can only do so if you’re part of that particular group. If I used the N-word in the US, everyone would freak out. And rightly so. They’d say, “What are you thinking? It’s offensive.” In Germany, it’s… Like I said, I have a very diverse audience. When I do a live show in Germany, I say “Kanake” a lot, casually. And after one show, an older, very pretty German lady approached me and said, “Miss Amani, that was a great show. You are a very sweet Kanake.” And I thought, “Fuck, dude!” And I get a little scared, because I think it’s my fault. I’ve said it so often that this woman thinks it’s totally cool to say that. She might approach someone tomorrow, like, “Dear Mr. Kanake…” You have to be a little careful with these terms. You just have to relax. And of course there is… Listen, when you are between two cultures, we “ethno-comedians,” or whatever the hell they call us… Honor comedian. I don’t know, but of course it’s in you, so it’s a big topic for me. I, for one, am very German in a few ways. For example, I love German engineering. Now that I can afford it, I only drive German cars. Used to be Vietnamese bikes… now it’s German cars. I like ’em. But honestly, no kidding, I only trust German engineering. Solely and exclusively. I’m a little scared of elevators, I don’t like to ride them. America, France, England, I don’t give a shit where I am, I only use elevators that are German TÜV approved. Only then. I would never… I don’t care which… It’s the only TÜV that I trust. I know that a German had to fill out 17 forms for it, right? Before he even decided on which screwdriver to use, you know? I love that correctness. This German… Not the Iranians! I would never, ever… I love Iranians for other things. I love Iranians. Very intellectual people, very… blah, blah, Macedonians… Anyway, I love them, for sure. But I would never set foot in an Iranian elevator. Never! Because I know that Iranians… My own family, my father was like, “We’ll just take some tape and… This tape is no problem.” Someone goes, “But it’s dangerous, it could crash.” “That’s no problem. We have a population crisis anyway. A few can die…” I called my dad, proudly, I said, “Dad, I’m the first woman to get a Netflix Original special.” My dad went, “Who is this Ned Felix? I don’t want you to talk to this Ned Felix. What is his ideology?” You think I’m shitting you, right? My dad wouldn’t care at all if I told him I had a boyfriend… I’d like to… I don’t know, if it’s about a man and I ask my dad, he’d never… He wouldn’t care how much he makes or what his profession was. My father, with his ideology as a socialist, he’d only ask, “What are his political views?” Seriously. Dad would go, “Does he believe in justice in our world? What is he doing…?” I mean it. He wouldn’t give a damn. For him, it would be a negative thing if I said, “He is very successful.” He’d go, “Why? He must be taking advantage of people.” When I told him about Netflix, he said, “An American company? No. I don’t want it. I don’t care who this Felix is. I don’t want it.” Really. I went, “Dad, they offered so much money.” He was like, “Okay, I want it. I want it. Gladly. Invite him to dinner. Felix… Felix should come to dinner tomorrow.” He’s still waiting. Yannis, do you want to come to our house and play Felix? My dad still thinks it’s a guy. My life has… Listen, this… A few things have changed, and I think… I hate arrogance. It’s the most revolting thing in the world when a person is arrogant. Or a company, a label… Brands can also be arrogant. They think they’re better than you. But I like a healthy bit of swank. You know wha…? Especially if you used to have nothing. You know? Anyone who had… Understatement is for people who were raised with a silver spoon, old money and stuff. But people like me, with new money, who didn’t have anything, I want a little swank. You know, I want… But you have to be cool about it. But still, as a comedian, it’s not always easy. Look, I fly… I fly a lot. Sometimes I fly four, five times a week, domestic flights in Germany. I know, it’s not good for the environment, but I always order olive oil onboard. Anyway, I imagined this to be… You’d expect it to be really glamorous. Right? You’d think, “Wow, I’m sure it’s totally…” That’s what I thought, too. That I would only be booked on Lufthansa flights, and that I’d be sitting in that Senator Lounge. When you’re a comedian… Honestly, I fly with the shittiest budget airlines. The worst imaginable! I fly with airlines that are… And I don’t mean, like… I don’t know what you’re thinking of, like Air Berlin or Germanwings. That would be great. No. I fly with airlines that… were founded, like, yesterday. That kind. Like Fatih decided to found an airline after watching a YouTube tutorial. The Constitutional Protection Agency is after him! But still good enough for Enissa, you know? I sit in airlines with names like “WOW air.” What is this “WOW”? Who comes up with a name like that? What does “WOW” stand for? Maybe, “Wow, we might land” airlines. Do you know…? Recently I flew with “Wizz Air.” “Wizz” like “wizard,” right? You don’t want to fly with an airline that’s got anything to do with magic. What is this? I looked out of the window, the thing didn’t even have jet engines. It only had two of these rickety things, you know? Nothing! With those airlines, the stewardesses don’t even say, “Please fasten your seat belts,” or “Switch your phones to airplane mode.” They say, “Write a WhatsApp message, it’s gonna be your last.” I’m serious, I fly with those kinds of airlines. And I love flying. I don’t know why, but I love it. One day when I can afford it, I want to get my pilot’s license, a PPL. I would love to fly. I know, the Constitutional Protection Agency is after me, too, now. But I’d really like to fly. But the thing is… Look. I always take a window seat, no matter if it’s day or night. I love it when you’re over the clouds. Here in Germany, it’s often drab. And then you get over the clouds, and you see the sun, and I have… Seriously. On these domestic flights in Germany, you often have businessmen who read their papers, or work on their laptops. I’m the only one… I always have a window seat, and my nose is always pressed against the window like this. Really. And sometimes, I know it sounds cheesy, but sometimes I cry because I find it so beautiful. And the people think I’m… And behind me is a… You know that little space between the seat and the window? Sometimes a businessman behind me looks at me like that, then looks out the window, then back at me, and goes, “Is she retarded? Dude, what’s wrong with her?” Speaking of this word, be relaxed, people. I had a gig once, and these terms… Some people go, “Yeah, that’s not…” I did a show in Cologne… I don’t like it when people are mindlessly provocative. I think it’s important… You have a responsibility as a comedian. You can’t tell people, “Say what you like! Call people that, people of a certain skin color…” You can’t do that, that’s just… But still, a certain relaxed manner… So I had a gig in Cologne, and I really dished it out that night. To Germans, Iranians, to myself, to gays. There was a table full of gays, and they yelled, “Another gay joke, Enissa, another one!” On the other side, a table full of Muslim guys, they were like… God, I love this moment. Look, all the Kanakes laughed, and all the Germans are confused. It’s so cute. The Germans are like, “Astarfurghillah?” Look how sweet they look. “Tim, do you know what that means? Is that a gorilla? What does she mean?” “You better ask Fatih.” It’s irrelevant to the story. It encourages communication. After the show, you can all ask Fatih what it means. It’s irrelevant to this story. I was just saying, I did a gig and dished it out in every direction. There was a lady on the right… I mentioned earlier that we often have people with disabilities. There was a lady in a wheelchair on the right, on her own. I didn’t want to make disability jokes. I thought it was moronic. Why would I make wheelchair jokes, because the poor lady was sitting there alone… Why are you even laughing? “Ha-ha, she’s disabled.” Anyway… One lady in a wheelchair. She was laughing, but as the show went on, she grew more and more serious. And I was watching her, I thought, “Okay, what’s wrong? I want her to have fun. What’s going on?” She came to the signing session after the show, and I asked her, “Hi, what’s your name?” She went, “Sandra.” I said, “Dear Sandra, what happened? I saw you getting more and more serious. Did you not enjoy the show? What was it?” She’s sitting in a wheelchair before me, she goes, “To be honest, I found your show a little retarded.” You’re laughing, but I was really shocked. But I thought it was really cool. I was like, “Wow, she used that word so casually!” That was great, but I didn’t know how to react. So I went, “What exactly do you mean? What…? I mean, what…? You, as an honor handicapped, what was…? What do you mean?” I’m telling you, this is true. It was so cute. She said, “You know, I liked it that you had a message, and that you dished it out in every direction, to blah, gays, Germans, Iranians… To everyone. But I was the only woman in a wheelchair, and you didn’t make a single disability joke, so I felt left out.” Really, that happened. She said to me, “I felt left out.” I was like, “All right! No disability jokes… Okay, stand up, I’ll tell you one. Okay?” Because she… A relaxed manner. So these airlines… I told you I love flying, and in those airlines… Everything I love about flying is not present in those airlines. For instance, I like that stewardesses, or stewards, for the gay audience… That stewardesses speak so many languages. I find that really impressive. At Lufthansa, I think they have to speak two or three languages. Emirates is even more badass, they have to be at least quadrilingual. Fatih, that means “speaking four languages.” Look how I’m playing to clichés and everyone’s loving it. You have no idea! You don’t know… That was a dumb cliché joke. Fatih, dear, what did you study? Please say… What did you study? Nothing, bro? Lie! Why don’t you lie? I dropped out, too! Just say anything! No? What do you do for a living? But look, that’s also a Kana… It’s so cute. Listen. There’s no way he isn’t doing anything, right? Listen, don’t get mixed up, it’s a mentality thing. If you ask a German… That’s what I like about them. Germans give you a correct, straightforward answer, no matter… An honest answer in more detail than you asked for. Ask them about their profession. So cute, they’re gonna say, “Well, I’m an apprentice, going on to be a gas station attendant for the Shell company, and I’m in my third year of training.” Sweet, right? Typically German. A Kanake, never, ever. You ask a Kanake, “What do you do?” he says, “What do you need?” You recognize that? “I just asked what you do…” “Yeah, what do you need? I can get you anything.” You know someone like that? “I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who can get it.” When I started making money, the first thing I wanted to buy was a horse. Some girls at elementary school had a horse, and I had this complex, like, “Man, I want a horse, too, so I can groom it and stuff.” I don’t know, I knew you could comb… Whatever. An honor horse. Anyway, I wanted to buy an honor horse, so I googled it and saw that they are really expensive. It starts at 5000 euros. So I asked a Kanake friend of mine, “Hey, I’d like to buy a horse…” He’s like, “I can get it.” I went, “Are you sure? The cheapest is like 5000 euros.” “I’ll get it for 500.” I was like, “Really?”, he said yeah, so I gave him 500. The next day, he came back with a donkey. “Here, a little horse.” Germans… I’ve said many things I like about them, but they also piss me off, I swear. Right? It’s both. There are things I love and things I hate about Iranians. There are things… Except Macedonians, I love everything about them. But there are things that… Look, Germans with their… That’s just how it is, Yannis. You know? They are so… I think it’s cute, actually, but they love their rules. Wow, yeah, Germans love rules. They love them! Listen, try this. Germans are a little like German bus schedules. You think I’m talking nonsense. In the whole wide world, it’s only on German bus schedules where there are times like… The bus arrives at 2:08 p.m. 2:08 p.m.? Hang on, I talked about that in Iran… and my cousins laughed so hard… They laughed so hard, they… I get why. In Iran, the bus arrives when it feels like it. It’s like, “Maybe I come today, or maybe not. I’m against bus driving, anyway. It doesn’t fit my ideology.” Germans… No, really, my cousins laughed so hard, that at some point, I was offended. The German in me was offended. I was like, “Why are they even laughing? It’s a good thing that…” But I have to say, the funny thing isn’t that the bus schedule says 2:08 p.m. The funny thing is that at 2:07 p.m., it comes around the corner… and at 2:08 p.m., it really is there. And we all get mad if it arrives at 2:09 p.m. Because… Because we’ll… Because then we’ll miss our train… which arrives at 2:23 p.m. We need to adapt to the system. This straightfor… This is also something that’s just very typical of Germany. I know some people are sitting here and are smiling at me pleasantly, but they feel kind of busted. Only in Germany can you stand next to a completely empty street… Completely empty, nothing. For example, a farm lane. Doesn’t matter. Someplace where there’s nothing and nobody for miles and miles. Look miles ahead in both directions… You can look light-years into the future and light-years into the past. No cars, nothing. But one red light… Hang on. Not even a child. That I would understand. A child stands there, it’s supposed to learn, you cross, they follow… No, that’s not cool. But let’s say you’re alone, or only with a couple of grown-ups. And you can see for miles. What happens? I swear, it happened to me. I was alone. I crossed against the red light. What happened? Out of nowhere, a German pops up! Out of nowhere! He came out of the ground like a carrot. You know? Suddenly, like… Boom! There’s a German. And what does he do? He screams, “It’s a red light!” I’ll tell you what I honestly think. I want to openly admit it. I’m in the street, and no matter who screamed, German or not, I don’t care. I’m in the street, and I’m thinking, “Please die. Please croak. Dear God, please let him be struck by lightning right now!” An honor lightning bolt. Because… Look, I don’t get it. I’m a grown woman. There are no cars, nothing. Even if there was one, it’s not a highway. I can assess its speed, I’m not a Macedonian. I can see if… Not Germans. Seriously. Not Germans. One of my best friends, Julia… We’ve been friends since I was little. If Julia has to break a rule, she can’t do it. She gets diarrhea. You know? She can’t… She just can’t. I say, “Julia, come on, let’s go.” She’s like, “But it’s a red light, Enissa!” I go, “But there are no cars!” “But it’s a red light!” She’s adorable. “You can’t assess their speed.” I’m like, “There’s nothing to assess.” It drives me crazy. Anyway, those budget airlines… I hate those. I love it when stewardesses speak several languages. That’s what I call a clean segue. I’m so good! I love it when stewardesses… I see a weird camera too close for comfort. Did you put a filter on it? Is there a filter on it? Thank you. I’ve… Those budget airlines… I love it when stewardesses switch between languages. When they speak different languages and switch easily between them. I love it. You’re just staring. She speaks one language, then another. Not with… The airlines I travel with, there’s usually a gorgeous Ukrainian stewardess… who can barely speak Ukrainian. And the funny thing is, she tries to sell me stuff in English. You know how those airlines are. You get no water, no food. You don’t get anything. You can starve or die of thirst. Nothing. But they are trying to sell you stuff. Perfume, for instance. You know those perfumes that not even perfume shops can get rid of? Like Davidoff Cool Water. Which smells nice, right? I liked it, too. When I was 24… Or Jil Sander Sun. She knows it, she’s wearing it. Anyway, it’s… It smells nice, too! But they’ve been around for a million years. And that’s what the stewardess tries to sell me on this plane where I’m about to die of thirst. The stewardess says stuff on the intercom like… And I’m sitting there thinking, “What kind of spee-cial offer? What’s her spee-cial offer?” You know what her spee-cial…? I get really curious and I want to know. Her spee-cial offer is something like, “Paco by Paco Rabanne… And I’m thinking, “What 29.99? I’m sitting on a flight for 4.99 euros from Cologne to Berlin, and if I had 29.99, I’d be flying with Lufthansa. What 29.99 do you want?” But everything… Wait, hang on! Wait. Everything… Everything is a spee-cial offer, everything. Like I said, you don’t get food or drinks, but you can buy them. She comes to your seat and asks, “Are you hungry?” And then, “We have a spee-cial offer…” And then she says, “Our chhhef…” Meaning “our chef.” She wants to tell me there’s a chef de cuisine. She’s trying to convince me they have an actual chef back there. Seriously. She says, “Our chef is making chicken marsala.” I go, “What chef are you talking about?” There’s some guy called Dmitri back there… who’s pulling the foil off some thingies… and that’s what she’s trying to sell me as “our chef.” There’s a Dmitri in the audience who’s really offended now. “I hate this bitch!” All right, I’ll skip that bit. Anyway… Everything is a spee-cial offer. But still, on those flights there are… This is the ridiculous part. Because, actually, it’s great that it’s so cheap. You can fly for cheap. Okay, it’s bad for the environment, but who gives a shit? And then you’re on this flight, and there are arrogant people there. You know? There’s a guy on this flight who asks that poor, swamped stewardess something like, What kind of vodkas…? Are you serious, man? You think that woman has different kinds of vodka, that she can give you some expensive…? I don’t know, Crystal, Grey Goose or whatever they’re called. The poor stewardess is totally overwhelmed and goes, “Moskovskaya? And spee-cial offer Gorbatschow?” And these… I told you before, not only are people arrogant, brands are, too. What’s the saying? “Small dogs bark the loudest?” These airlines are often so arrogant in their demeanor and in terms of what they offer. They offer their passengers various “classes” and “upgrades.” You can have different memberships and stuff. You know what I mean, like Gold member… That’s how they call their passengers to the gate. You’re at the gate, and she’s like, “Now our Premium Platinum Golden members…” What is that? Nobody stands up. No one! Nobody wants that! Because I have to fly with them so often, I am a Premium Platinum fucking Golden member by now. I’d never stand up! I don’t want to be the first one on that plane and die from a gas leak in there. I don’t want that! I’m hoping, and I remain seated until the very end. But nobody stands up. She goes, “Now our Silver members, now our this or that members…” And then she says, “Now our disabled members…” Their handicapped passengers! And I was thinking… Handicapped. And I was like… I was so shocked. “What’s that supposed to mean? What ‘disabled members’?” I thought, “Maybe she just means that passengers with a disability should board first so they can be seated and can put away their luggage easily.” Makes sense, right? But then she says, “Now our Premium disabled members…” I thought, “What is ‘Premium handicapped,’ dude? What on earth is that?” But then a woman rolled past me in a wheelchair, a lowered wheelchair, chrome rims… Not kidding. Like, all over. Louis Vuitton all over. And, looking at me condescendingly, she went, “I’m Premium disabled.” I went, “Yeah, I can tell.” You know how these airlines make money? It doesn’t do any good to fly with them. Why? You paid a small amount for the flight, but you land at some random airport that has nothing to do with the city that’s actually your destination! You know those airports specifically built for such budget airlines? They’re located, like, 5000 km away from the city they were named after. It makes absolutely no sense. Take Frankfurt, for example. For Frankfurt am Main, there is Frankfurt-Hahn. Frankfurt-Hahn feels like it’s located 7000 km outside of Frankfurt. It’s closer to Vietnam than it is to Frankfurt. How could I possibly benefit from landing there? Same thing in Düsseldorf. They have an airport called Weeze. Düsseldorf Weeze is in the middle of nowhere, there is nothing. It’s in the middle of a forest. There are, like, three pedophiles and me. That’s where I land. How am I supposed to get home from there? No one is picking you up, there are no buses, no trains, nothing. I asked this Premium disabled lady if I could “roll with her.” I want to get home, man! Everything is a spee-cial offer on that flight. These flights… I told you I like flying. You know what else I like? Gateways. Gateways are these things, these… I like them. These tubes… They have their own little cart, and sometimes you see them rolling up like some cartoon. They dock onto the plane, and you can walk straight from the plane to the concourse. I like it, it’s so elegant. You know? You have your headphones on and walk from the plane to the concourse. Not on the airlines I fly with! No, there you have to change buses three times, change trains four times, then you have to canoe, dude… Then you end up on a runway. You don’t know where you’re supposed to walk. Though, in Germany, it’s organized. There’s always a German who shows you exactly where on the runway… You shouldn’t wander around on the runway, especially if you’re Iranian. It’s like, “Please walk that way.” This whole Germans and Kanakes thing, I’d like to say something in conclusion. I explained it earlier, like, with an immigration background or… Complete bullshit. It depends on your attitude. What are you more of? Are you a little bit of a Kanake, of a German, a bit of both? I have both in me. You see it in the things that people do. Would you cross against a red light if there are no cars around or not? Both things are all right, okay? But… I have a great example. My manager is Iranian. He’s my tour manager. He drives me from one place to another. He’s a proper Iranian, with a complicated Iranian first and last name. But I’m telling you, he is the most German German on this planet. Why? Because he goes fishing, dude. Who goes fishing?! He loves fishing, seriously. There are things… A Kanake would never do that! And he’s so cute, he gets so proud. You have to imagine, he drives me from place to place, and then he tells me, “Enissa, yesterday, I caught a zander.” And I’m like, “Why, man? You can buy one that’s already dead at Rewe.” He’s so cute, so I tease him, I go, “Surely you do other typical stuff as well, right? Like, you strap…” He has an adorable family. “You guys strap your bikes to the roof of your car, and then you drive somewhere to go biking.” And he’s like, “Sure we do.” Another typically German thing: hiking. To drive somewhere in your car to go hiking. Who does that? All right. Ciao, Hamburg. Thank you. See you! Thanks, Hamburg! You were great! Thank you very much, everyone!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ricky Gervais: 2016 Golden Globes Opening Monologue

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-2016-golden-globes-opening-monologue/

Shoosh. Shut up. You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual-deviant scum. I’m gonna do this monologue and go into hiding — not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch. Hello, and welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel. With all these rich, beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives, let’s hope no one spoils that. Relax. I’m going to try and be nice. You’re global megastars with amazing talent — most of you. A few of you just married well. You know who you are. We all do. We all do. We’re live on NBC — and it’s right that NBC host this awards show because they’re the only network that’s fair and impartial. And that’s because they’re the only network with zero nominations. Nothing in it for them tonight. They don’t care, obviously. But as I say I’m gonna be nice tonight. I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she’s had! She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. But you can’t have everything, can you? Not at the same time. I am gonna be nice tonight and I’ll tell you why: The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me that if I say anything offensive or crass, or resort to innuendo, he’s gonna come out here and personally pull me off. So, that’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. Yes, that is the level: An old man pulling me off. At least Jeffrey Tambor did it in a dress. What a year he’s had! What an actor, what a role. Every day he has to put on all the women’s clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it. That takes balls. I don’t know how he does it. I really don’t. I’ve seen his balls — they’re huge, and long. I don’t know if he tucked them in the bra or does that thing where you push them out the back and let them hang out, like a bulldog — no one knows. I love Jeffrey Tambor. I don’t know if that’s because he’s such a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan. One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe — particularly if their film company has already paid for it. So what’s happened this last year, in this crazy business we call show? The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever. Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. And she received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?’ There were plumbers around the world going, ‘Poor girl, it’s [inaudible] f—ing hell.’ But all joking aside, of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now that I’m getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year. Now I know there was two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny cause it’s true. The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight, so that worked a treat, didn’t it? To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again, so was Schindler’s List. It’s just a film. All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters, there’s gonna be a female remake of Ocean’s Eleven. And this is brilliant for the studios, ’cause they get guaranteed box-office results, and they don’t have to spend too much money on the cast. If you do win tonight, remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do. OK? Don’t get emotional — it’s embarrassing. That award is — no offense — worthless. It’s a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you. That’s all it is. I’ve got three Golden Globes, myself. One’s a doorstop, one I use to hit burglars with and one I keep by the bed to — doesn’t matter why. It’s mine! I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size. It’s nothing. So to be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes — that I’ve won — up my ass. And they asked me to host four times!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Ricky Gervais: 2011 Golden Globes Opening Monologue

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-2011-golden-globes-opening-monologue/

Thank you. Hello. And hello. Welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. Its gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast. Wow, whoa. Let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star. Um, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife, as you do, ah, ah. Went to a hotel, got drunked, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard. And that was a Monday! What did he do New Year’s Eve? Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year. Voted for by the Hollywood foreign press association. It was a big year for 3D movies, Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron. Seems like everything this year was 3-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist. Um, I feel bad about that joke. I, no I’ll tell you what. I’m jumping on the bandwagon cause I haven’t even seen The Tourist. Who has? But no, it must be good cause its nominated so shut up, okay. And I’d like to crush this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is, that is rubbish. That is not the only reason, they also accepted bribes. No, all that happened was some of them were taken to to see Cher in concert. How the hell is that a bribe? Really? Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Cause its not 1975! There were a lot of big films that were not nominated this year. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. Huh, no, I was sure the Golden Globes special effects would to to the team that airbrushed that poster. Great job. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza. Also not nominated I Love You Phillip Morris, Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologist then. Probably. My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. They’re not here, okay. There has been some great TV drama this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so uh yeah. Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner. Who ah, is getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year old beauty Christal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him she said cause he lied about his age, he told me he was 94. Oh come on. Don’t worry, hold out. Just, just don’t look at it when you touch it. I warned him. One of the biggest developments in TV this year was the finale of Lost. One of my favorites. All of the questions were answered. I have to say though, it was quite a complicated finale. I’m not sure I totally understood it all, but from what I can make out the fat one ate them all. Shall we get on with it? Our first presenter is beautiful, talented, and Jewish, apparently! Mel Gibson told me that he’s obsessed! Please welcome Scarlett Johansen

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Amy Schumer: Growing (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-growing-transcript/

Yes! Thank you so much, Chicago. Thank you. I used to do something a lot of comics do. I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I was in. You know how people would be like, “Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!” You know? And the crowd was like, “Okay. We were not here last night.” “Denver! You made me fuck that stranger, no condom. You’re crazy, Denver!” “Armed robbery? Philly, you silly.” “No, ma’am. We are concerned for you.” That’s all over now. Because I’m fucking pregnant! Yeah, I did it. I’m amazing. I laid there, and… that’s it. Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, there’s, like, a couple of months where there’s some rumors about them, you know? There’s some, like, “Oop, bump alert!” Right? Uh-oh. Uh… I was well into my second trimester. Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. I was photographed. Belly out. They’re like, “There’s Amy!” “Looking happy. I don’t know. Doing her.” And then so once people knew, they were like, “Is she showing?” They were like, “No more than normal. Kinda… It just kinda looks like she took her Spanx off.” There are all these rules about pregnancy that are unsaid. Where is it written that when you’re pregnant, you have to cup your little bump in every picture? It’s so obnoxious, guys. Every picture. Here… It’s all right. Some people do the two hand. I was like, okay, fuck it. I’ll do it, but I’m going to do it for the rest of my life. I’m going to be 90 years old like this, with a cigarette in my mouth like… I do it. I cup the bump… in pictures, but I just do it a little bit lower. I just go right here. ‘Cause this is the area that got me in trouble in the first place. All the questions everyone… “What are you having? Do you know what you’re having?” Hemorrhoids. Any other questions? Why do they ask, “What are you craving? What are you craving? Are you craving anything?” Cock! Just me and my angel. People always want to see the bump. That’s like the thing. “Just show me that fucking bump, bitch.” And my belly button is getting so misshapen with this baby inside that I had to put two Band-Aids over my belly button tonight. That’s more than you bargained for, right? Somebody’s neglecting their bikini area. I… I’ll tell you who it’s not fun to be pregnant at the exact same time as. Meghan Markle. I think we’re, like, to the day the same amount pregnant. And she’s out there in, like, six-inch heels, adorable outfits, and she has like… There’s been no bump. Like, there’s been… She, like, cups where the bump will be, you know. She’s like… “Here. Here’s where the baby will be.” People see me, they’re like, “The last couple of weeks are the hardest, right? Are you crowning? I think I can see an ear. Is that an ear?” If I were Meghan Markle… and I am… ‘Cause she hangs out with the Queen now. Like, they hang out and have conversations. If I were Meghan, no matter what the Queen asked me, and I can’t do a great British accent, but, you know, if she said something like, “La, la, la. Oh! Pip-pip! Would you like a spot of lemon?” Like probably exactly that, she probably says. No matter what, if I were Meghan, I would answer everything she asks with, “Yas, Queen! Yas.” I just came so close to shitting myself. You guys don’t… This special almost became a real special. That would have… What would I have done? Kind of just kicked it, and… trusted that you guys would be cool. Is that what I would have done? I have not had an easy pregnancy. I have hyperemesis, which I’d never even heard of. It’s extreme nausea and vomiting. If you’ve ever had food poisoning, it’s that. I’ve had that every day for five months. No, and people are like, “You’re so strong. Look at you out there. You’re on the road.” I’m contractually obligated to be out here, guys. I’m not like, “I don’t care. The show must go on.” I’m like, “I will be sued by Live Nation.” That’s why I’m here. But I feel pretty good tonight, to be honest with you, so… I didn’t throw up today. Uh… Yeah, but I didn’t know that being pregnant could be really hard. Like… I didn’t know that because you bitches all lie about it. Women don’t tell you how hard it is. I should have Googled it. I should have Googled being pregnant. ‘Cause it’s been really awful. ‘Cause in movies, they don’t show you. There’s just a montage where the girl’s in her office and she’s typing, and then she’s like… And she runs to the bathroom, she throws up once! And then in the next scene, she’s in overalls painting a barn. Like, “Yay!” ♪ I can’t wait to meet you ♪ You know? I throw up an exorcist amount every day. And I feel like, you know, if you had a good pregnancy, if you’re someone who enjoyed being pregnant, I just hope your car flips over. That’s… That’s what I wish for you. Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks into a lake, and you just kinda… …slowly… drown. Is that fair to say? Because here’s the thing. You’re pregnant, but you don’t change. I hate women who start to act really just precious and like, “Yes, now I’m… I’m a saint, and I never… I never had sex in a bathroom on a train,” you know? We’ve all had sex in the bathroom on a train. You don’t stop being you, you know. You don’t stop working or drinking. Like, you… You know? I’ve gotten in the habit of asking, uh, friends’ recommendations and advice about pregnancy until I get the answer I want. You know what I mean? I asked my most responsible friend, she’s a nurse. I was like, “So, wine… what do you think? Should I just have some, or what do you think? While I’m pregnant. Wine? Definitely have some, or what do you think?” And… And she was like, “You know what? Just skip it. Just be safe, you know?” And I was like, “Yes, that’s what I thought, but I wanted to hear you say it, so now I’ll tell other people not to drink ever while they’re pregnant. Thank you.” Huh! Good. That’s done with. And then… You know, and then I asked, like, a little more lenient of a friend. I’m like… “Hey, what are your thoughts on drinking wine while you’re pregnant?” She’s like, “A glass a week is fine. Like, that’s probably fine.” I’m like, “That’s better. That makes sense. That’s good. You’re smart.” And then… Then you ask your kind of biggest dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know? She’s like, “Once you start getting, like, fucked up, stop drinking.” I’m like… Mm-hmm! No, I haven’t even wanted… wine. That’s how I know this baby is not mine. This baby is a lie. No, it’s mine, and… I’m pretty sure the guy who got me pregnant is my husband ’cause I got married, yay! ♪ To the luckiest boy in the world ♪ I married a chef because I’m a fucking genius. Right? Do you guys like food? That’s what he makes. Yeah. I love it. Marrying a chef, it’s like a little on-the-nose for me. It’s kind of like Snoop marrying weed. I love him. It’s real. Um… The proposal was wack. Uh… He proposed to me in the morning. That’s, like, when people in a nursing home get engaged. Like… Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep. I was sleeping, and I sleep like I’m still in the womb. Earplugs, eye mask… my mom’s legs around my shoulders. Like… You know? Recreate. Every morning, I’m born and… So I’m… in the womb, and he comes in, and I just took one ear plug out. I was like… And he kind of threw the ring box at me, and he goes, “I got you this.” And I open it, and… And he goes, “Do you want me to get down on one knee?” and I was like, “I guess not.” And then I went back to sleep. That’s the truth. That’s a real ass proposal, though. That’s like a real… You know? ‘Cause, like, in movies and TV shows, the guy always gets down on one knee, right? And the girl’s always shocked. “I didn’t even know you liked me! I’m still on Bumble. Like, this is…” Like, you didn’t talk about… That’s a very big decision… to not talk about. I don’t know any girl who got engaged that way. I’m from New York. All my girlfriends are from New York. We get married late there. When you get engaged at 40, it’s like, “Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow… Slow it down. Get to know him.” I think there are only two reasons you should get down on one knee if you’re a guy. If you’re a player in the NFL… and to eat my pussy. Those are the two… Two reasons. I mean, if the guy you’re with gets, like, synchronized swans to dance to Bruno Mars, you know? He’s gay. That’s a gay guy. And, look, we all have a friend married to a gay guy. We do. We do. You’re probably here with a couple right now. And they’re like, “Talk about Meghan Markle more.” We’ve had that experience, right? When you meet the couple for the first time, and then they leave, and then a couple of your friends, you’re taking each other’s temperature. You’re like… “Jeff was nice, right?” “Yeah. Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah.” “You said he’s a costume designer. He’s a… Yeah.” And then finally someone’s like, “Is Jeff gay?” You’re like, “Jeff is gay! Yes!” And we all laugh at our friend. “Hee-hee, she’s married to a gay guy.” But you know what? Someone with hyperemesis who’s five months pregnant, you know who sounds like it would be fun to be married to right now? Fucking Jeff. Get on one knee for Jeff. I think… I don’t want to jinx it. I think I don’t have to be a bridesmaid anymore. Yeah, I think I’ve done… I’m not making no new friends. Everybody got married. I was the last one. ‘Cause when you get in your late 30s, there’s just no dignity to it, you know? It’s like me in a Grecian gown with my aging cleavage and like… a Coachella flower halo. I’m just like… Just hoping I’m not the bridesmaid with the biggest arm, you know? I’m like… I hold my arm out. ‘Cause people used to get married in their early 20s. You had a little 20-year-old bridesmaid arm. You were holding your champagne like, “It’s heavy!” Now it’s just a sea of turkey legs, just… Looks like the defensive line for the Bears are in the wedding. I really respect you guys for coming out because if you follow me on Instagram, you’re probably like, “Is this bitch in the hospital? Is she gonna be there?” Yeah. I made it. I… I’ve been hospitalized a couple of times since I’ve been pregnant with hyperemesis and… The very first time was about a month ago, and… I was throwing up for about five hours when I… was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in, and he explained to me and my sister and my husband, who were are all in the room. He said, “You’re going to be here for at least five hours getting liquids.” And without skipping a beat, my husband said to my sister, “Okay, cool, because I saw a place where you can paint pottery nearby.” You guys are like, “Is he gay?” So my sister didn’t even, like, check in with me if it was cool that they left me. As soon as he said “pottery,” they just left. And I was like, “I’ll be here.” And about an hour and a half later, my sister rushed back in the room, and she said, “Okay, listen. Be nice to him about what he painted.” I’m like… “Okay.” She’s like, “I’m serious. He worked really hard on it.” “Okay.” She goes… “And it’s not very flattering.” I’m like, “What?” But my husband’s brain is a little different. ‘Cause you go to these places, you usually paint a teddy bear or a jewelry box, you know, but my husband decided to… to paint a plate… which he would use as a canvas… to paint me. And I’m going to show you the picture. I think it’s important for you guys to see the picture. Um… And I want to show you this, and I want you to know that there were no qualifiers before he showed me this picture. He was sure it was pretty good. This is the picture that he painted. I was in the hospital, guys. What is… I wanted to go, “What’s with my chin on my neck?” I look like Trump. Like, I look… I couldn’t say any of this to him, okay? Get rid of it. People are leaving. This is upsetting. This is an upsetting image. I mean… I had to comfort him. My husband is a really great sport. You know? He really is. I keep messing with him. Like, you know, I’ve had a tough pregnancy, so… the other day, I was like, “Babe, this is kind of too hard for me. I don’t think I can do it.” And he’s like, “What do you mean?” And I was like… “What do you think I mean? I think I… I need to get an abortion.” And this was his response. He went… “Really?” I was like, “No! What?” I’m going to announce it on Instagram, and then I’m going to be like, “Actually, forget it. I don’t like it. I’m tired. I don’t like it.” Thank God that was his response, you know? What if he’d been like, “Cool. I’ll warm up the car.” I knew from the beginning that my husband’s brain was a little different than mine. Um, and about… I have to start this over ’cause I really want to get this right. Because I love him very much. And… My husband was diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger’s. He has autism spectrum disorder. He’s on the spectrum. And… there were some signs early on, like… we went for a walk about a year ago, and I fell. And kinda nine out of ten people would go, “Oh, my God! Are you okay?” Right? Maybe more like ten out of ten people. “Oh, my God! Are you okay?” But instead, my husband went… He kind of froze and became a lighthouse, opening and closing his mouth, just… And I remember lying on the ground looking up at him, and I wasn’t mad. I just thought, “Huh!” A lot of “huh” moments, you know? And once he was diagnosed, it dawned on me how funny it was because all of the characteristics that make it clear that he’s on the spectrum are all of the reasons that I fell madly in love with him. That’s the truth. He says whatever is on his mind. He keeps it so real, you know? He doesn’t care about social norms or what you expect him to say or do. You know, if I say to him, like, “Does this look like shit?” He’ll go, “Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes. Why don’t you wear those?” I’m like… “Okay.” But he can also make me feel more beautiful than anyone ever has my whole life. Yeah, it’s true. And he can’t lie. Is that the dream man, a guy who can’t lie? But that also means that he can’t lie for me. Which is an essential part of any relationship. We’re friends with this couple, and they broke up, and the guy started dating a new girl pretty soon after, and we happened to be at the party where they got together, so I didn’t rush to tell the ex-girlfriend what happened. So a couple of months later, we had dinner with her, and she was like, “And, you know, at that party, that’s when they got together.” And I was like… “No! It’s not possible.” And Chris goes… “No, you remember.” “No. No, I don’t.” “Yeah, remember? ‘Cause you said, ‘Oh, my God, he’s leaving with her.'” “Thank you, Chris! Thank you. I guess I forgot about that.” Also, one of the the signs of autism is you don’t make sort of the… appropriate facial expression for the occasion you’re at. So we were gonna go on a red carpet together for the first time, and we were practicing his smiles, you know, and we didn’t land on one that we were in love with. So we were out of time, so I said, “Just… This is what I do. Just think about something you love, you know?” And he loves the ocean, so… So we went out there and it worked, but it worked too well. ‘Cause in all the pictures, I’m doing my normal bullshit, and he was like… I noticed. I was like, “A pond. Just like you’re glancing at a pond. Pull it back.” It’s exciting being pregnant. It’s not all bad. The best part about it is not getting your period. Yeah. That’s the silver uterine lining, if you want to look for one. That’s nice because, you know, what I realized, right before I got pregnant, I noticed… how ashamed… we’ve all been made to feel about getting our period… our whole lives. Like we choose it, you know? Like, “Can’t kick my bleeding habit, you know? I just want it. I want to do it.” It’s supposed to be, you know, a secret. The second you get it, your mom goes, “You’re a woman now. And that’s disgusting. Never let anyone know of your filthy secret.” And you’re like, “Okay. I’m 12. I’m ready to handle this.” This is my Rainbow Brite lunch box. ♪ Rainbow Brite Stars are shining bright ♪ And it is. That’s the most embarrassing thing that could possibly happen to you as a kid, that someone knows you have your period, or they see you have your period. At that age, for men, the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections, right? But then they grow up and show them to everyone. Maybe that’s what we should do. I don’t know. Call a coworker into your office. “Carl… Psst. Come in here. Close the door.” “Carl, you’re getting very sleepy.” All this talk about dick pics, how about a tamp pic? You up? If you’re still in a position where you’re getting dick pics, ladies, I have a suggestion for you. When you get a dick pic… send back… a dick pic. You go, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were exchanging our favorite dick pics. Dick for dick, pic for pic, no? I thought…” Why are we made to feel so ashamed of a natural bodily function that ultimately brings life, you know? It’s like… If you forget a tampon, you have to bum one from somebody. What we all do is, first, you look around… like you’re going to say something racist, just like… And whatever race you thought I meant, that’s your problem. And… Then you kind of lean in, and we don’t even say the whole sentence. We kind of go… “Does anybody have a…” “Tampon?” What is this? What’s the claw? That’s how disgusted we are with ourselves. “Does anyone have a tampon?” And I notice myself do it. I was in a gym locker room. Thank you. And… And there were a bunch of women in there, and I… And this woman across the locker room with so much confidence was like, “Oh, yeah, I do. What size?” And, like, obviously, I know there are different sizes of tampons, but I’ve never been confronted… …with that question before, you know? She’s like, “Yeah, what’s the circumference of your pussy hole? Grande or venti? What are we plugging, bitch? I’ve got Pilates. What is it?” Then all the other women in the locker room kinda lean in to hear… …my answer, you know? I’m just like… “I don’t know. Do you have, like, a… super Grand Canyon? I don’t know. Just throw me a futon mattress. I’ll just kind of squat over it.” My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard. Whoo! Can’t wait. Take up more space. Lean in! It’s already grown. It just grows over the years. I know because, I mean, when I was younger, I could put a Tic Tac in there and then just walk around all day. At night, I swear it would still be in the same place, just… Whoop! Now… if I have a yeast infection, which I do… and I try to put one of those Monistat suppositories in, it just falls right on the floor. Whoop! Be careful. They’re very slippery. I do. I have a yeast infection. I’m gonna address it ’cause I have to do the pinch. You guys know the pinch. Ladies, just a quick, little pinch. But I’m really excited about this. We don’t even need tampons anymore. There’s a new invention. – You guys know what I’m talking about? – DivaCup! No, not the DivaCup. That is terrifying. Um… The DivaCup… Do you know what it is? It’s like this little cup you store in the back of your vagina, and it collects… and at the end of the day, you pull it out and you kinda Kill Bill. Just kind of… No! It’s a lot. It’s too much for me. I respect you if you can handle the DivaCup. Such a confident name. “I’m a Diva.” No. It’s more exciting than the DivaCup. It’s a new invention called THINX. Yes. Yeah, you don’t need a tampon. They’re just these underwear that you just bleed into. Which I guess… makes me a fucking inventor. Ah! Who knew? Should I go on Shark Tank? “Sharks…” Did anyone have a mom like me who didn’t really trust tampons and made them only wear a pad? Right? And millennials, if you don’t know what a pad is, congratulations, and… A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper that you… …coil betwixt your legs, and… just kinda waddle around all day wearing it, just… Crunch! Crunch! Kinda always sounds like there’s a killer right behind you. They were great. Yeah. Little adhesive wings. They’d always stick right to your pubes. It was a treat. It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it. I’m sorry. Millennials… pubes… Anybody remember pubes? I miss my mom’s bush. Did you guys see your mom’s bush growing up? It’s kind of comforting, right? The first time you see it, I’ll never forget. I remember I walked in the bathroom to say goodnight. I was like, “Mom! Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night.” I remember Mom’s bush. I also had one of those moms… who told me, “You only have to shave up to your knee.” Right? “Just shave up to your knee.” I’d say, “Mom, I’m pretty hairy up…” “No! The knee.” “Okay.” I’d be at the community pool. People are like… “Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?” But I have to give it up for my mom. She made me so confident. She just straight lied to me as a kid. It’s tough to say “confident”… as a woman, you know? You put on TV. We see all these gorgeous women. We have to compete with what’s her face, the Mother of Dragons. What’s her name? – Khaleesi! – Kris Jenner. It’s just… It’s tough. It’s tough out there. No, I love the Kardashians. The Kardashians are so confident, they confuse me about my own confidence. So before I was pregnant, I was kind of like feeling myself one day, and I bought lingerie. Like… the real shit. Like… the, you know, fishnets, and then… like the pulley system here. You know? Thought they would’ve updated that technology, but it’s still a pulley system, and then, you know, the boost… Whatever it’s called. And… You know, I went. I paid for it. I tried it on at home, you know, where I could take my own life, and… In the safety of home, and… I tried it on, and I was kind of ready to blow my own mind. I kind of sidled up to the mirror, and I check myself out, and I was like, “Oh. This isn’t for everybody. Hmm. Okay.” I looked like I should have been on Law & Order, like, “He went that way.” My fishnets looked like they’d caught an actual fish. It was… It was pretty confusing. It’s tough to say “confident” as a girl. I don’t know what I’m having. I hope it’s a girl. Um… But really just because it’s such a scary time for men. Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much for leaving your houses tonight. I just… God. First responders, just… so brave. I don’t know if men know how scared we are as women all the time. Like, one in three of us will be assaulted at some point in our lives. If you’re a woman of color, it’s even more than that. If you’re a trans woman, forget it. At night in New York, if I take the subway at night, I will run home. Women, we run home. Not for the cardio. It’s true. When you walk to your car in a dark parking lot, what do you ladies do? We do the little makeshift brass knuckle with our key, right? I don’t know what our plan is with that key in our knuckle. “Oh, no, you don’t! Ahh! Not on my watch. Boop-boop!” I mean… There was a study done, and it said that women mostly fear violence. That’s our number one fear. And the same study showed that men’s number one fear… was ridicule. Oh… Yeah, God! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you guys were going through that. It must be so hard for you. Do you guys run home? Because you’re afraid of somebody telling a little jokey about you? I think that we need to start from scratch, you know? I’m so grateful to this new generation of women that came along and they’re like, “Hey, have you been getting sexually harassed like this your whole lives?” And we’re like, “Oh, yeah!” And they’re like, “Yeah. You wanna do something about that?” And we’re like, “Oh, yeah. That’s a very good idea.” They’re like, “Yeah.” And we’re like, “Oh.” We’re so used to it, you know? You’re at work, and you’re like, “I have to make every guy think that we also might fuck and do a good job.” It’s not fair. It’s not fair to men either. You guys are raised with so much pressure to be so masculine at such a young age. It’s bullshit. It sucks. It’s like a six-year-old kid crying. “Stop crying, you little pussy.” We toughen them up at a young age so they don’t get made fun of, and then, as little girls, you’re in school with these boys, and when a little boy is mean to you or he teases you, what does everybody say? – He likes you. – “He likes you.” Ooh! You’re like, “He knocked my books out of my hands.” “Whoo! Looks like somebody has a little boyfriend at school. That’s a good thing.” And you’re like, “Oh. That’s a good thing! Okay! I’m the luckiest girl in school.” “He pushed me down the stairs.” “You’re going to prom!” “Prom!” Right? Then we grow up and we all have friends who were like, “Why do I only date assholes?” ‘Cause you’ve been trained to do that since you were a toddler. You know, we have friends who are like, “You should see us when we’re alone. He’s still really mean to me, but it’s not as embarrassing.” It doesn’t occur to us to be with someone who’s kind until we’re, like, almost dead, you know? I mean, who cares? We’re about to lose our rights, anyway. Right, ladies? Take ’em. I’m sick of it. Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape. I’m ready. Done washing my hair all the time. I mean, look at us making decisions about our own bodies. Who do we think we are? Men? Come on! Decisions are hard. Rights feel heavy. I want people who know better than anyone making the decisions about my body. I want to call up Mitch McConnell and be like, “Girl! My discharge is brown, baby girl. What should I do? Mitch! Chuck Grassley, I’ve got cramps. Am I ovulating, queen? Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this. What you think? You guys know.” Maybe some of you heard I got arrested in October. Thank you. Thank you. God’s work. Um… I went down to DC to get arrested. The different news outlets wrote about it. Like, “Schumer’s been detained,” like I was just on a walking tour of the Washington Monument. But I went down there to oppose Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation. Thank you, sisters. Men, you can clap too. Spoiler alert. It didn’t go our way. The whole way down, I was really nervous about getting arrested. I’ve been arrested before, obviously, but… But I was obsessed with the fear of being hungry. You know, while I was locked up. So… It probably would have been like that before I was pregnant, but that just doubled it, so the whole way down… And, you know, we get down there, and… it was really intense and really emotional, and… We were gonna get arrested on the Capitol steps, but they barricaded those, so we all rush into the Hart Building, where the senators’ offices are, and we all flood in this hallway, and, you know, the banners are flying and the Capitol police are closing in, and we know we’re about to be arrested, and everyone’s chanting, “No justice, no peace,” and, “We believe survivors. We believe survivors.” And I know we’re about to be arrested, so I am… ramming snacks in my mouth. I am… Everyone’s, “We Believe,” and I’m… And the Capitol police are looking at me like, “What the fuck?” I’m like… Just Cookie Monster, crumbling shit on my face. I got arrested with my friend, Emily Ratajkowski, who’s a supermodel, like gorgeous, you know. And she’s in this hot outfit, and she’s like, “We believe survivors,” and I’m in a Department of Sanitation shirt, and I’m like… “Ahh!” And some people criticized me. They were like, “That was irresponsible. You’re pregnant.” And I was like, “That’s why I went down there.” I want to be able to tell this kid I did everything I could. You know? And D.C., I heard, has the best cocaine, so… My friend said it’s fine. Uh… A baby. Guys, what the fuck am I doing? We have no idea what we’re doing. We have some books at home, and every week, there’s a terrifying video saying what’s going on in the baby’s development. “This week, your baby is growing fur and eating you from the inside.” I’m glad I found a good partner, you know? Like, he’s solid as hell. Yeah. I just… I didn’t have the energy for dating anymore, like… Remember when you hook up with someone the first time? Do you remember you used to undress each other? Know what I’m talking about? They do that in movies. So you’re like… It’s always hard. In movies… But you’re like, okay, a braided belt, and there is the silver thing. And then, oh, a button fly. I’ll just kind of yank it. And your sock. Am I in fucking retail? Take your own shit off. My back hurts. I was in bed with my husband the other night. I was holding our dog, and my husband just took off my underwear. And I looked over at him and I was like, “Oh, no.” That’s crazy, you know. He was kind of like, “Okay.” Like he didn’t give a shit too much, you know. And we’re lying there, and I’m like… “Can you put my underwear back on?” Such sad foreshadowing watching him, like, dress my lifeless body. We were at the gynecologist a couple months ago, and I asked, “Is it safe to have sex while pregnant?” And she was like, “Yes, it is safe to have sex through the whole pregnancy.” And I was like, “We’ll be seeking a second opinion.” That’s fucking… I was trying to signal her, you know. “Hey. Do you think it’s safe… for us to have sex? Do you think it would probably kill the baby and we shouldn’t do it?” She’s like, “No, it’s safe the whole time.” I was like, “Okay. Okay.” Do you want me to come to your house to tell your husband he can fuck you? ‘Cause people tell you. You’re like, wow, that was fast. “Last time we saw you, you were single, Amy, and you already don’t want to fuck your husband?” I usually do, but I have hyperemesis. And you know everyone says, “When you get married, get ready to stop having sex.” And we were like, “Not us. We’re fucking for life,” you know. Now he, like, touches my shoulder on the couch, and I’m like, “Can I help you? I’m over here. You’re over there.” The spontaneity is over. Thank God. You know, when you’re first falling in love, like you might always have sex. Every time you pee, you’ve gotta make sure you clean the toilet paper out of your pussy. Every time you pee. Every time. That is over. I have, like, half a roll of Charmin in there right now. Yeah. I’m psyched to be done. I am. Especially dating someone new, you know. And I’m glad I married someone, he’s my age. We’re the same age, so… You know, we both grew up without Internet porn. That’s a huge deal, right? Like, you know, now I feel like you can’t fuck a millennial without them being like, “Can you dress like an emoji?” You’re like, “No!” What the fuck? No. And there’s so many different types of porn. It’s crazy. One of the biggest searches is “gag porn.” Have you heard of that? That’s where the girl gags on the guy’s penis because it’s too darn big. I personally never had the plesh. I just wanted to remind you that I’ve never struggled with it, even though… You remember the size of my mouth, right? Do you remember how big my mouth is? Just like a tiny bow. You could put… Okay, yeah. You remember. Gag porn. Like that one… That one is strange to me. Like you’re clicking on all these different windows. Nothing, nothing. And then a girl’s like… And you’re like, “Mmm, wait a minute. What have we here?” Maximize screen. “Okay. Okay.” If you’re into gag porn, you should’ve been living at my house the last five months. You’d be hard as a rock. Something else I won’t miss, and this is my PSA… to men. A lot of men don’t really understand how to put themselves inside you. Not really. Even missionary. They’re… You know, they’re… It’s the wrong hole, or not a hole. You’re like, “You have to use an existing hole, sir.” You’re not going to confuse my body into making a new hole. But most guys can figure it out, but you really realize that they don’t understand where our hole goes when they’re behind you, right? ‘Cause during some sex, it’s always I don’t know whose suggestion to not look at your face anymore. “How about you turn around?” “Oh, okay.” You look back over the shoulder, they’re like, “Nope!” You’re like, “Okay. I’ll be here.” That’s when you know because there’s a whole population of men who, once they get back there behind you, they’ll kneel back there and just wait. Dick in the wind. And you’re up here, like… “Uh… We’re rolling.” And you realize that he’s waiting for you… who’s on all fours… …to reach back… and put him inside you. You’re like, “Oh, you want me to…? Oh, Okay. Uh… Yeah. I’ll just use my head as, like, a kickstand, just… Yeah. No, it makes sense. I have the better angle here. You want to back the garage up to the car, is what…?” Okay. Nope, it’s fine. You’ve had a long day making more money than me. Here I come.” Luckily, my husband does not have that problem. Because… of that joke. I know I talk so much shit about, uh, my pregnancy, and it has not been easy, but we’re so fucking excited, and I do feel really lucky that I was able to get pregnant. Yeah. So I… was single, you know, most of my life, and felt pretty happy. I love my family and friends, and I feel really satisfied with work, and… kind of had accepted that, you know? And then I just happened… to meet this guy, and if you’re out there and you’re dating and you’re just thinking, “Why can’t I meet the right one?” It’s not that you haven’t met the right one yet. I wish someone had told me this. It’s not that you haven’t met the right one yet. It’s just… that you have to wait… for them to get tired. No one told me, right? Because men in their 20s and their 30s are just running around. And then their late 30s, they’re like, “Oh, God! Phew. Oh, God!” And that’s when you come along and you go… “Come on.” And they’re like, “Where are we going?” And you’re like… “We’re going to sit on the couch and watch Bravo till we die.” Thank you so much, Chicago. I love you. I realized how ashamed I was of my period. Excuse me. The baby. Right now, every fart’s a gamble. Fart roulette. My money’s on brown. Um… So they’re flashing a light that says that I need to get some makeup because I’m sweating like a monster. All right. You guys can only see that I’m sweating here, but if there was a camera in my asshole… This is all my hair I bought. There are these two people right in the front row here. I’m not going to look at them, but these two people. And like… They’re, like, truly horrified by everything I’m saying. I’m like, “Did you guys think you were seeing Godspell?” Okay. I promise it’s not going to get any better, you guys.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-full-time-magic-transcript/

Thank you. Wow. Wow. So… thank you. Thank you. Very kind. All right, all right. It’s, uh, you know… I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think the show’s gonna be as good as that. Like, I think I will let you guys down. Thank you guys so much. That was unbelievable. You guys are great. And, it’s just, you know, we’ve… I feel like we’ve peaked, so let’s just get… doing it, something? All right. I’m very excited to be here. My name’s Nate. I’m married and stuff. This is what marriage feels like, by the way… what it feels like in here right now. It’s just one person talking, and the other’s like, “I’m gonna get out of here.” It’s… That’s… We… I’m from Nashville, and me and my wife, we were in Nashville last summer, and we went out on the lake with some of our friends. And we were, like, floating around in the water, and there was a guy in a boat, like, right next to us, and my wife was like, “Oh, that’s my ex-boyfriend in that boat.” Now, I didn’t know who he was, so she didn’t have to say that at all, you know? She was just basically like, “Are you having fun? ‘Cause I’d like to put a stop to that.” “And make you stare at this guy the rest of the day.” So I’m, like, staring at him, and then I look at my wife, and she’s staring at him, and I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she didn’t marry me. So I started staring at him, ’cause I’m like, “I want to see what my life would be like if I didn’t marry her,” you know? And we were putting… we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And… we… we stared at him for a while. He did nothing exciting at all, and, uh, you know, we looked back at each other and just realized, “You know what? We don’t have a boat. That’s the only difference.” My friends… my friends were like, “You should’ve went and tried to fight him. Why didn’t you go fight him?” And I was like, “Well, I would’ve had to swim over to that fight.” “So I don’t know how intimidating that is, for a guy to see a head and a life jacket floating his way.” And then I got to get in the boat, you know? Like, have you ever tried to climb into a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat. Like, if he’s in there, I’m never gonna get in. I would need his help. I’d be like, “Could you help me into this boat? I can’t tell you why, but I really need in this boat.” We have a daughter now, and so it’s getting… you know, 2-year-old daughter… it’s getting pretty serious between me and my wife now. And it’s… I don’t know. I was living in New York when my daughter was to be born. She was not born here, though. We flew home. She was born in Tennessee. I didn’t want her to be born in New York. You know, I don’t need her growing up thinking she’s better than me. Yeah, yeah. I was like, “You start where we start, all right? No one gets a leg up in this family.” It’s our first kid. I don’t know if we had a kid too late in life. Sometimes I wonder, like, you know, I’m 35. I was 33 when she was born, and, like… ‘Cause you ever ask someone that has kids, you’re like, “When’s the best time of your life?” They will say before they have kids or after their kids move out. There’s, like, 20 years they don’t mention, and that’s when kids were in their house. So by the time my daughter moves out, I’ll be 53. I’ll be dead within hours. So I’ve just pushed it too far, you know? Like, I should’ve done it earlier. Like, I watched that show Teen Mom, and I was like, “Man, those girls are nailing it. Like, that’s what”… Just get it over with, you know? No one likes junior high or high school anyway, so just throw a kid in the mix. Wrap it all up. If I had my daughter at 13, she’d be moved out right now. Right now, she’d already be gone. I will be excited, like… I’ll be excited when she goes… like, when she goes to school, like, to do homework with her and stuff, you know? ‘Cause it’s like bonding, and it’s not gonna hurt for me to do one more run-through. Just one more pass. None of it stuck for me. I went to community college for one year. Do… yeah. A couple of us? Just me and this guy. That’s… did you go for longer than a year? Or one year too? Or did you go to real college? Couple years. Oh, all right. Valedictorian over here, jeez. Just… I-I made it one. And what’s even more embarrassing… that I do not have a credit. Literally, I do not have… I have zero credits. Do you have credits? You got credits, like, all of ’em? Did you graduate community college? You think you’re better than me? No, just… I just started to attack. He’s like, “I don’t know.” It’s easy, I think, to graduate. Like, I… you know… My loan was $40. I just paid cash. That’s all. I was like, “This is good.” He was like, “That’s more than enough.” I was all remedial classes, which, remedial, you know, it’s like, they just… they don’t count. None of ’em count, so all my classes were outside. Every one was outside. We wouldn’t even meet inside the building. We would just meet at a picnic table outside, ’cause our teacher was like, “Well, you guys will all be working outside.” “We’re gonna teach you about weather, you know, “and, like, we’re gonna teach you about morning dew, “how to get your socks wet. “You’re gonna be getting up pretty early “the rest of your life. “I hope you guys like sunrises, because you’re gonna see a lot of ’em.” That’s what remedial classes are for. They’re a heads-up that you’re gonna do manual labor. The assignments… our teacher’s be like, “All right, so today’s assignment is, we’re gonna help me move, so…” It’s… I’m, like… I’m pretty dumb. I’m… like, you know, I tell people I’m dumb. I’m like, “Hey, I’m dumb.” And… but no one goes, like, “Okay.” They’re just always like, “I bet you’re not dumb.” And you’re like, “Well, I’m trying to help you out here. “Uh, we’re about to have a conversation, so I’m just trying to give you a heads-up.” Here’s a story… I can prove it… if I need to… like I got to prove it. Like, everybody’s like, “Now, we… yeah, you know. We don’t need proof.” Here’s my proof, is, when I was 15, my first job was, in Nashville, was at Opryland theme park. We used to have an amusement park, and I was working, and I’m sitting eating lunch, and this couple sits down, and we start talking and stuff. I was like, “I’m Nate.” And the guy’s like, “I’m John. This is my wife, Jane,” and they… their last name was Doe. So it was John and Jane Doe. And I was just like, “That’s the craziest thing.” Like, what are the odds of that, you know? Like, that’s so crazy. Couldn’t believe it. Cut to earlier this year. I’m 35, I’m driving, and I’m thinking about John and Jane Doe. And, you know, I was like, “I bet they were lying to me about that.” That’s how long it took… 20 years… for me to catch on to a joke they wouldn’t remember saying. I don’t think they would remember it. They’d be like, “Maybe we did that.” Well, it worked. It worked so good. I tried to… I tried to Google ’em, ’cause I was, like, “Maybe they’re not lying,” you know? “I’ll find ’em and go talk to ’em.” But I am sad to report they were murdered. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s not good. Yep. It’s… Like, I think of it like… like time traveling. Like, if I could go back in time… like, if I could go back in time tonight and go back to, like, the ’20s, knowing everything I know right now, I don’t think I would make a difference. I don’t think you guys would even hear about it. I don’t think you would. I just don’t… like, ’cause I don’t have anything to get… You know, like I would go back, and I would see, like, some guy on a old phone, and I would be like, “Hey, eventually they have phones you, like, carry in your pocket.” And they’re like, “Yeah?” It’s like, “How do they do it?” I’m like, “Phew, I mean, I don’t know how they do it.” “Oh. I think it’s a satellite? I think… a satellite?” They’re like, “What’s a satellite?” “Oh, I shouldn’t have even said that, uh…” “It’s like metal… “Metal’s got to go pretty high in the air. I don’t know if you guys are doing”… I don’t even know if I could prove I’m from the future. I don’t even think I could. I think I would just get stuck, ’cause they would want something. Like, “Who’s the next president?” “Oh, boy. Uh… “Ooh… Abraham Lincoln. You guys are gonna love him. He’s really good.” They’d just think I’m from the past. That’s… they were like… It would just look… And then I’d have to get a regular job. I would just have to, like, wait tables or something in the ’20s. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing right now. I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, “Man, that cat’s fat.” And it feels rude, you know, like, “He doesn’t speak English, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.” And they’re just… you know, they’re like, “What are y’all feeding this cat?” You’re like, “Whatever you feed a cat, dude. “Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.” You know, he’s not like, “Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.” And then they’re like, “Well, y’all should do something.” You’re like, “What do you think we’re not doing? “Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?” He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, is, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, “Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.” Just keep doing what you’re doing. I got to get in shape. Not this shape. This is not a good shape. Something… I got to get… really. I thought… I was like, “Oh, I’m doing an hour special. That’ll motivate me.” And here we are. I tell people I got to get back in shape. I’ve never been in shape, you know? Like, most people are like, “If I could go back to my 20s.” I would have to go back to 7. If I could get back to when I was 7, I was just killing it. I don’t know how to work out. For me, a good workout would be… walking to McDonald’s would be a great start. You know, maybe stand up and eat it. See if that does something. I ordered the P90X videos. I thought I could do that. Never worked out a day in my life, so let’s do what the Navy SEAL’s do. You know why I ordered it? ‘Cause in the commercial… you know how they have, like, a before body and after body? In the… I was blown away by the before body. I thought that’s what you get to look like. I was like, “That guy looks great.” You know, “I would love to look like him.” Then I saw the after body, and I was like, “Does the before body guy have a DVD? “‘Cause that guy seems more my speed, you know. What did he do to get to that? And I’ll just do that.” Someone gave me an Under Armour shirt to wear. Have you ever wore one of those? It’s, like, skintight. It just shows the worst parts of your body. I look better without a shirt on than with that shirt on. You know in plastic surgery how they draw markers on you? They should just put you in that shirt and be like, “Obviously, you can see what we’re gonna go after.” I’m lazy. I can tell, like, watching sports… I was watching a football game, and I’m sitting on my couch, and I was gonna get something to drink out of the refrigerator. Right when I get up, one guy… one team kicked off to the other team. And before I could get back, the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff return, and I missed it. The guy ran 100 yards before I could get 3 to maybe 4 yards. That guy also had 11 people really trying not to let him run 100 yards. I had… I didn’t even have an ottoman in my way. It was wide open. I played sports growing up, though. I played baseball, and one time when I was playing, I’m up to bat; I get walked. So I go, I take my base, I get to first base, I turn, and I look. The catcher was still holding the ball. And, like, he wasn’t… you know, he was staring at me, almost like he’s daring me to run, like, “Why don’t you see if you can go? I don’t think you can go.” And I was like, “I’m gonna go, all right?” So I run to second. He throws it to second, overthrows second base, goes in the outfield. I run to third base. They overthrow third base, so my coach is, like, losing it, like, telling me to go home. Like, this is about to be an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I’m about to be on Sports Center,you know? Like, this is the biggest thing that’s ever happened in sports. So I go. I slide. There’s a play at the plate, and then the umpire goes, “It was only ball three.” So I have to now get up. I’m dirty, for no reason, apparently. I’m out of breath. I got to pick my bat up, exactly where I left it. It’s now three balls, two strikes. Next pitch, immediately strike out. Immediately strike out. The umpire goes, “Now you can go. Yeah, you’re fine.” I did learn something, though, that day. What I did learn was that if you’re confident, you can get away with quite a bit, you know? ‘Cause why didn’t anybody stop me? No one stopped me. No one… they knew I wasn’t supposed to be going. But I was so confident about it that that’s why the catcher was holding the ball going, “What? I don’t… why’s he… Is he supposed to be doing this?” And then I run to second; It’s like, “Well, no one’s that much of an idiot. I guess I wasn’t paying any attention.” The ball goes in the outfield. The outfield… they’re not looking. They think it’s a hit, you know, for all they know. And then I guess the umpire at some point realizes it and is just like… well, it’s easier for me to get all the way back to him to tell me. At least let me feel what it would feel like to get an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I was thinking about, too, like, all the parents in the stands, ’cause, like, they can’t hear what’s going on, so they’re just, like, watching this, and then I bat again. Like, they’re just like, “I guess I don’t understand baseball. “I thought I knew… “It’s just… baseball’s changed since I was a kid. “Used to… you go around like that, you’re done. “You don’t have to get back up there. I don’t like these new rules.” I drink too, which isn’t… like, you know, that doesn’t help. Me and that guy drink. We have pretty big problems and… Just us two. It’s… I don’t know. I’ve had signs that I should quit drinking. One was, I did a show. It was three hours outside of Phoenix, Arizona. It was at a Indian casino, which I don’t know if you’re supposed to say. I’m not… I don’t know. It’s… I don’t know. It was like… I don’t know what you’re supposed to say. It was a casino. There was, like, a crazy amount of Indians there, and… so I… I go. I drive this three-hour drive to the middle of nowhere. I get there. I do the show. Then I was like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” you know? Had to get up at 7:00 a.m., just be a normal person. Then I’m meet this cool Indian dude, and we drink till 5:00 a.m. So then I have to get up… I sleep two hours, get up. I’m walking outside with my roller bag. It’s, like, 190 degrees. I’m just questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life. I’m like, “What are you doing, dude?” And I look up, and there’s a wolf. A real wolf, just in front of my car, just staring at me. Like, and I’m just looking at this wolf. I’m like, “Why is this wolf”… I’m, like, looking around ’cause I’m expecting, like, some guy to be like, “Sorry, my wolf got loose and…” But there’s no guy. It’s just me and this wolf. And he’s just staring at me. And I don’t know how to make a wolf leave. You know, you’re like, “Get out of here, wolf.” Like, I don’t know… what… So I’m just staring, and I’m, like, looking at him. He’s looking right at me. I said, “Why is he not leaving?” Then I just was like, “Wait, is that that Indian dude I was drinking with last night?” Is he a wolf? Is… It wasn’t him. The wolf left. The wolf did wander off. And then I got in my car, and I was driving back, and this happened… This doesn’t seem real, ’cause it’s back-to-back, but I’m driving, and then I get stopped ’cause a helicopter lands in the middle of the road. There’s no one around but me and then this helicopter, and it picks up a guy and then flies off. Like, I should’ve video’d it, ’cause it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. But I’m, like, hungover, so I’m acting like it happens every day. Like, I’m honking at the helicopter, like, “All right, out of all days? You couldn’t have hovered a second and let me get under?” The other one I had was, I got real drunk and let locked myself out of my hotel room completely naked. Yeah, I’ve done that in my 2-year-old daughter’s lifetime. So… if she hears this and she’s like, “Oh, was that college?” It’s like, “No, that’s when you were the most dependent on me.” Here’s what… look, I don’t know why I was sleeping naked. You just sleep naked when you’re drunk. I don’t do it normal. I think it’s gross. But that day, I was like, “We should try that. Let’s see what that’s about.” And then I remember, I was like, “I got to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on,” so I walk and I open the door… “Do Not Disturb” sign, you can crack the door and it would fit outside. But acting like I was, like, moving a couch outside, and I was, like, opening it with my body, and then I step outside, and I heard the door shut, which was the most sobering noise I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I was like, “This is not good at all.” You know, like, you’re way too far. I’m holding this “Do Not Disturb” sign, which is pointless. It’s like I just walked out to be, like, a real “Do Not Disturb” sign, just for the hallway. I was like, “Don’t come down here. We’re not ready.” So I’m standing there, and I’m like, “All right, what are you gonna do?” You know, so I look, and there’s a window. I was like, “I could jump out of that. That’s easier than having to explain this to my wife.” And then I looked to the left, and there was a cleaning lady, and she’s just staring at me. And the reason she’s there is because it’s 11:00 a.m. That’s how far in the day it is. And I’m, like, looking at her… And, look, I don’t have a body that, like, when she sees it, I’m like, “You’re welcome,” you know? It’s like, “I’m sorry. Look, I’m really… I don’t know.” So I looked at her, and she knew what I needed, you know? Like, we didn’t really talk. Like, I just kind of looked at her like, “Whew, you know, this happens… happens to the best of us, right?” And she looked at me like, “It does not… it does not happen.” She just let me back in my room. When I told my comic buddies, they tried to make me feel better. They’re like, “I wouldn’t even worry about it. I bet she sees stuff like that all the time.” And I was like, “I bet I’m in her top three.” She might walk in on people naked, but no one ever charges at her naked and then needs her help, you know? Someone might run by her and laugh. No one goes up to her like, “Look, you’re the most important person in my life right now, “and I need you to be on board with all of this, all right? Don’t ask questions.” I’ll mix it up, like, too, like, ’cause, you know, when you’re gonna lose weight, you try to, like, go… you ever do vodka-soda when you want to lose weight? Like, “I’ll do vodka-soda,” then you drink it like beer, and you wake up in the street. But you’re like, “I’m not bloated, and that’s nice.” You know, that’s… It feels so good, just that little… you’re finding any little thing. It all does… it leads to the eating… like, I mean, look, I don’t need help eating bad at all. I’ll do it naturally. And drinking just makes it… the decision that much easier. I have… like, I do all chain stuff. I like my restaurants to be doing good everywhere in the country. I just want to go, and wherever I go in the… I’ve eaten McDonald’s in Dubai. ‘Cause I’m like, “Well, let’s see what they’re doing.” You know, like, “What’s their McDonald’s like?” It’s a little different. And Applebee’s… I’m a big fan of Applebee’s. You know, I really just… whatever… If I eat somewhere that’s not Applebee’s, I will only eat what Applebee’s would serve. Like, if Applebee’s is not on board with it, I’m not gonna be, you know? I eat at Walmart. You can eat there. It’s fine. They’re fine with it. And… Walmart’s great. They’re always open. No one likes… you know, no one likes Walmart, but they’re always open. That’s why they’re great. There was a fire at a Walmart, and they did not shut down. They remained open during the fire. Like, some people didn’t even know there was a fire. Other people thought they were just selling fire. Like, that’s… that’s not that crazy of a thing. I’m a Walmart guy. I think I’m in the middle, you know. I’m not Kmart, but I’m not Target, you know? I don’t… I’m not old money. I don’t think I’m better than everybody. Just right in the middle. You ever go to Kmart? Like, Kmart doesn’t even look open when you go in there. You just walk in, you’re like, “Are you guys about to close? Are you getting looted or something?” They’re like, “No, we’re open.” “Are you? “Are you gonna cut the lights on on that side of the store?” “Maybe get some stuff, you know?” Kmart looks like where you go buy stuff if you were about to open a new Kmart. If you… if you needed shelves for your Kmart, you’re going there and be like, “This is… this is good. I think we’re gonna do it right here.” I lived here for eight years, and I love New York. I love the driving. That’s what’s, like… See, I think we should all learn how to drive in Manhattan. ‘Cause it’s great. Everybody honks at everybody. Just screaming, yelling. That’s how it should be. Growing up in the South, no one honks ever. People just sit at lights, and they’re like, “If you don’t want to go, I totally understand. “I’m probably not gonna go when I get up there, so… “let’s just wait it out, you know? Let’s let traffic die down, and we’ll get home tomorrow.” I once had to take my car to get it fixed, and I go to, like, this mechanic. It was, like… it looked like it was just, like, this dude’s house, and I go inside, and there was, like… there was a line. There was, like, people in there. So we’re sitting there… they were taking forever, and we’re all getting, you know, pretty upset about it. Finally, one of the fellow customers just starts yelling at all the employees, and I was like, “This guy is great.” Like, I loved it. Like, I would never do it, but I like when other people do it. So I was like, “Good for you. Just keep yelling at them.” And he keeps yelling, and then a mechanic comes over and is like, “You got to calm down. You can’t yell at us like that.” And the guy keeps yelling. I’m like, “This guy is great.” Like, he’s getting stuff done. You know, like, nothing can happen. Uh, I was wrong. Because they fist-fought him. They fist-fought him, and then they just dragged him outside. We just watched it. Like, all of… we just… we, like, moved up, and we’re like, “That’s crazy, right?” And… Just like, “I guess that’s what goes on here.” Like that’s in the employee handbook. It’s like, “What are you gonna do if someone gets upset? “Well, I’d like you to fight ’em in front of the other customers “so they get it “and then drag him outside “so people driving by get it as well. “You know what our motto is… our motto is, “‘What did you say? That’s what I thought you said. Keep your mouth shut.'” Yeah. You know, I tweeted about it when it happened. Like, afterwards, I thought it was funny. And they found me. That’s how crazy they were. They found it on Twitter, and they were like, “Hey, could you follow us so we can send you a message?” I was like, “How about, I got the message, all right? “I got it. I’ll delete the tweet. Don’t worry about it.” They were crazy. You just don’t say… I don’t say anything, you know, like, you know, anything about stuff that goes on. You just let stuff happen. I was flying recently, and I was on my… Now when you fly, you know you can leave your phone in airplane mode. So I’m, like, sitting there. We’re about to take off. I’m playing a game. This lady leans over a guy and was like, “Hey, you got to cut your phone off.” And I was like, “What?” And she goes, “You got to cut your phone off. You can’t have it on.” I was like, “You don’t have to do that anymore.” And she was like, “You have to do it.” I go, “You don’t have to do it. That’s not the rules, you know?” And she was like, “Look, I’m not a rule maker.” I was like, “Well, you’re acting like a rule maker, ’cause those are not the rules.” And she just… she goes, “Cut it off, all right?” And guess what. I cut it off. I cut it off, and now I think about her every day. Every day, I think about her. I just want to find her again. I really do. If she ever sees this, you are not right, all right? I was completely right. This is, I think, the only way. You were wrong about it all. I travel a lot doing comedy, which is great. I’ve been to, like, a bunch of different countries, and I… like, it’s all wasted on me. It would be better for you guys to go than me. I don’t know where I’m at, like, in the world, like, when I’m there. Like, I could be an hour from my parents or, like, five days. I’m like, “I don’t know. It’s somewhere, you know?” I went to Bahrain, and I told people I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, like it was the city of Saudi Arabia. And they were like, “You know Bahrain’s its own country.” I was like, “Are they now? Good for those guys, you know? Yeah, that’s good. Good for them.” I went to Honduras. I went there. Pretty… I have a pretty decent fan base there, and… Yeah, this special’s gonna blow that place up once… I mean, they’re gonna be like, “Wow, that’s unbelievable.” A lot of fans, and it’s… No, I’m joking. It was… it was a USO tour, so we go. And I remember I went to the airport, and I, like, told the guy… I was like, “Hey, I’m going to Honduras.” And the guy was like, “All right, like, what city?” And I was like, “Well, I mean, I’m just learning right now that’s not the name of the city.” “Ugh. “You know, where do you think I would be going? “Like, looking at me, which plane do you want me to get on?” We land in Honduras, and this guy picks us up. He’s driving us to the army base, and on the way there, he was like, “Look. There’s a couple things you got to keep an eye out for.” He’s like, “When you go to bed at night, “you got to check your bed for spiders. Like, spiders hide in your bed.” He’s basically just like, “You’re not gonna sleep. Hope that’s cool.” And then he’s like, “There’s a lot of snakes too, “a lot of venomous snakes, so keep an eye out for snakes. “But if you do get bit by a snake, “the best thing to do is go ahead and just catch the snake “and then bring it with you to the doctor. “And you’re just gonna be like, ‘This is the snake that bit me.'” And I was like, “What? “I’m not gonna do that part of it. “Like, you want me to catch a snake, dude? “I’ve never caught a snake in my life. “And you want me to get bit. “Then I got to get it together and catch a snake for the first time?” I was like, “It’s not gonna go good. “He’s gonna keep biting me. That’s all that’s gonna happen.” And he was like, “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already been bit.” And I was like, “What? “Do you even know what a snake is? “Because it completely matters. “There is a huge difference between one bite “and probably 30 bites, “which is what we will be at if I try to catch this snake. “Like, who told you to say this, the snake? Is that who you asked?” I don’t believe in science, you know? That’s just… I don’t understand it, so it’s easier not to believe in it as a whole. That gets you out of a lot of arguments. If you’re just like, “I don’t believe in science,” they’re like, “All right, do you need help or…” Scientists could be making stuff up. That’s a great job to have if you want to make stuff up, ’cause no one… no one can challenge you. You know? No one, like… Nobody say anything. Like, they don’t even get in trouble if they mess up. Like, the Earth was 2 billion years old. Then they’re like, “Now it’s 4 billion years old.” It’s like, “All right, like, how many people got fired after that?” And they’re like, “Nobody.” You’re like, “Really? Y’all just… nothing? ‘Cause y’all were way off.” I read beetles are 320 million years old. It’s like, “Are they? “Or you just know that I don’t know how to figure that out? ‘Cause you could be doing that, you know?” Like, I feel like that’s your first job as a scientist. Like, when you go, they would just probably do the beetles thing. They’re just like, “Go see how old beetles are.” Like when you’re a new scientist and then you’re… You know, you don’t think… the guys are just… Those guys are, like, back there, like, “Just write… write 320 million. “Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, who’s even gonna check, you know?” It’s like, “No one’s gonna question us. We can change it at any point.” Pluto, you know, Pluto’s not a planet. Or it might be a planet. I don’t know. They change it every five seconds. The last I heard, it’s not, and that’s, like, crazy. That’s when I left science. I was like, “I’m out.” Like, “You can’t do that. “You can’t jam Pluto down my throat my whole life, “and then the second I get out of school, you’re like, ‘We were just kidding about Pluto.'” It affected me. In elementary school, I got a C minus on a test because I forgot to put Pluto, and turns out, I should’ve got above an A. That’s what I should’ve got. Yeah. I should’ve been asked to teach the class. I should’ve immediately taught that class and be like, “Nate’s apparently the best.” I never believed in Pluto, you know? I said, “It’s too far.” That’s what I told people. I go, “You just… you guys will see.” I watched a thing on 60 Minutes once about, like, this guy with animals. It was about buying tigers. Like, you can buy… Like, if you guys want a tiger, there’s a guy you can go to, and you can buy a tiger if you want. And I was like… see, they did this whole undercover reporting. And they filmed, like, where he keeps tigers. And then, you know, they, like, asked him afterwards. They’re like, “Hey, do you think it’s too easy to buy a tiger in this country?” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is.” And that was, like, my favorite part, you know? I was like, “That’s why America’s the best.” I didn’t even know you could buy tigers. I would’ve been embarrassed to ask. And then I watched this, and I was like, “I don’t even have to jump through hoops if I want to buy a tiger.” It’s not an all-day thing. It’s an hour. I’ll be right back with our tiger. And everybody wants to get rid of guns, you know, like guns are the problem, but what makes me nervous is, like, you take away guns from people, those are the exact same people that will buy tigers. That’s gonna be a much bigger problem, all right? You’re probably gonna be like, “Look, here’s your gun back.” They’ll be like, “No, I’m good. “My tiger is way better than my gun. “My gun missed all the time. “My tiger rarely misses. “Even if he does miss, “it’s just for a second. It’s never long.” Like, if a guy dodges a tiger and he’s like, “Your dumb tiger missed,” it’s like, “Well, he did not. “He’s right behind you now. And he is furious, so…” You know that saying, like, “Guns don’t kill people; People kill people”? The new saying will just be like, “These tigers are killing people.” I don’t know. It won’t be a good saying. It’ll just be asking, like, “Do you know where your tiger’s at by any chance? “Do you have any idea? You don’t know? That’s… all right. That’s a big problem.” It’s… I love doing comedy, though. It’s great. The show’s almost over, just so you guys know. I like to let… I like to let everybody know where we’re at. We’re about done. I think it makes you feel better when you’re like, “All right, thanks. Thanks.” Like, how many movies you go to, and then you’re just like, “Jeez, this is taking forever.” And if a guy, like, popped in the screen, was like, “It’s about to wrap…” Yeah. It’s… I know. I know. Two more seconds. And you’re like, “Thanks, man. That was, you know…” I love doing comedy. I was… there was a time I was gonna quit. I was gonna quit early on. I tried. Then there was no one to quit to, no one. Here’s why I do it, or I think why. My dad… my dad is an entertainer as well. He’s a magician. Still is a magician. Started as a clown. Just, you know, I don’t want to come off like I come from some rich magic family… And I’m better than you guys. You know, he paid his dues, his clown dues. It’s weird when your dad’s a clown. It’s weird every day. It’s… I never trusted clowns, you know? Like, have you ever been yelled at by a clown? I have. Do you know how confusing that is, to get screamed at by a guy that’s got a smile painted on his face? You’re like, “Is this not the same clown those kids are gonna see outside?” He was a clown till I was about 12 and 13, and that’s about as long as you want your dad to be a clown. When you’re six and seven, there’s perks, absolutely. By the time you’re 12 and 13, kids at school are like, “Is he still doing that?” You’re like, “You know, off and on. “All right, guys? “Yeah, he’s almost full-time magic, so…” I… like, it’s funny, too, when I tell people that my dad was a clown. People will just be like, “Oh, I hate clowns.” It’s like, “Hey, remember… remember that time I just said my dad was a clown?” “I just said that. You’re just like, ‘I hate your father.'” Hanging out with comedians is, like, some of the best, the funnest time… I don’t know… because comedians are crazy. They can be. Like, a good buddy of mine is a comedian. His name’s Luis J. Gomez, and… Whoo! Big fans. A couple Luis J. Gomez fans. Me and Luis once, we go to McDonald’s to go eat, right? Like, I’m a big fan, so, uh… And everybody acts like, when I go there, they’re like, “Haven’t been here in forever.” It’s like, “Don’t act like I’m the one keeping ’em afloat. All right? You know? Someone’s coming here.” So we go in. We ordered our food, and then we take our food, and we sit down at our table. And then Luis went to the bathroom. He left me alone with his food. So I was, “You know what? I’m gonna play a prank on him.” So I grabbed his hamburger. I unwrapped it. I took a bite out of it. Then I wrapped it back up. I put it back down on his tray. So that’s my big prank, right? Like, when he comes back from the bathroom, I’ll be like, “Dude, did they eat your burger “before they gave it to you? “That’s crazy that they’re doing that, right? Is that crazy?” It’s a stupid prank. It’s harmless. It should never leave the table. All that should happen is, Luis should come back, he should open his burger, his first reaction should be to look at his best friend, who’s sitting with him, who also, by the way, dabbles in comedy… And just be like, “Hey, I just wanted to run this by you, “uh, before I unexpectedly go freak out on this entire McDonald’s.” That’s what I thought would go down, just a quick, “Hey, did you touch my food “the only time it was out of my sight? “I just want to know “before I try to fight a group of people “that are gonna be pretty confused on why they’re fighting.” But instead, I got to learn I’m friends with a lunatic and a guy comfortable fighting McDonald’s employees, because he opened his burger and could not have ignored me quicker. He looked at them so fast, almost like he expected them to do it, like… Like it’s happened before, and he’s like, “Again? Again with this?” He just starts yelling at everybody, just, “I’m gonna fight everybody till I find out who ate my burger.” He gets up. He starts walking towards ’em. I can’t believe this is even working. We are so much farther than I’m prepared to get. So I grab him; I was like, “Dude, I ate your burger. I ate it. “Why would you not look at me once to see if I did this?” I walked him back to the table, and we sit down, but it’s already, like, weird. Like, everybody’s, like, looking at us. It takes ten minutes for people to quit filming us with their phones. And it hits me. I start, like, thinking about it. I go, “Dude.” I go, “Luis. “You’re out of your mind. You’re gonna get killed one day, dude.” I was like, “You were about to go fight a guy.” I was like, “Let’s pretend I’m not here, all right? “Let’s pretend that someone did eat your burger “that worked at this McDonald’s. “You were gonna go blindly fight that guy. “Not even try to size him up, see what he looks like? “Do you really think you could beat up a guy “that is apparently pretty confident in himself “that he’s making burgers, he’s then eating ’em, “and then he’s wrapping ’em up and just sending ’em out to whoever?” “You don’t think that guy’s probably “the greatest fighter of all time? “I think you’re gonna walk to that McDonald’s counter “and be like, ‘Who ate my burger?’ “And all the McDonald’s employees are gonna part ways. “They know exactly who you’re talking about. “In the very back, you’re gonna see a guy “cracking his neck. “He’s got his fist in the fryer, “doesn’t even know it. He’s just warming his hands up.” Guys, thank you so much for coming out. You were unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You were great.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Hart: Irresponsible (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-irresponsible-transcript/

[heartbeat] [indistinct chatter] [atmospheric whooshing] [audience cheering] It’s showtime, honey? Babe, I’m gone. [woman] Coming. Alright. See you later. [girl] Love you. Showtime, baby, let’s go. Show time, bro. [heartbeat] I’ll see you on the other side, baby. [man] Let’s go bro, let’s do what you do. – Have a good show, chief. – Thank you, sir. [man] Go get it, Kev. Good. Let’s go, baby. Mom, I know you’re watching over me. I’ll know you’re proud. In your name we pray, amen. [accelerated heartbeats] [audience cheers rising] Showtime! [thunderbolt] My last joke just went viral! [Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” starts] ♪ Right stroke put lil’ baby in a spiral ♪ Soprano C We like to keep it on a high note ♪ ♪ Its levels to it, you and I know ♪ ♪ Bitch, be humble Sit down ♪ God dammit, London y’all can do better than that. Y’all better make some fucking noise. [crowd erupts] ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ I’m gonna ask y’all one more time. Y’all better make some fucking noise one time. ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ Welcome, welcome to the “Irresponsible” tour. We’re about to have a good time. Uh… The name is “Irresponsible” for a lot of reasons. We’ll get into all those reasons as the show goes on. I don’t really like to waste time. I feel like when I’m out here, we might as well get to the shit. Let’s just… let’s just get to the shit. Okay? Let’s talk about my first irresponsible move this year. My uh… My first irresponsible move this year actually involves my kids. My kids caught me and my wife fucking. Let’s just start… Let’s just start here. There’s no real way to ease into it. So I just got to go for it. Okay? Both kids. Both kids caught us fucking. If it was one, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was both. My son saw us first. I saw him when he saw us ’cause he called his sister. He’s like, “Come here! Hurry up! Come here!” The crazy thing is, I couldn’t even get mad. I couldn’t get mad at them because they came in my room based off of a rule that I put in place. I don’t like locked doors in my house. Don’t lock your goddamn door. The worst thing in the world for a parent is to not be able to get in his child’s room when he wants to. Don’t lock your goddamn door! Especially my daughter. I told her, “Lock that door again, I promise you I’ll kick the door down. Don’t lock that goddamn door again.” I go to my daughter’s room, the door’s locked. I said, “What did I say I’d do? Didn’t I say I’d kick the door down?” She said “Wait, I’m almost finished.” [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! In my mind, I thought the worst. In my mind, she was cooking cocaine. That’s what I believe. She’s got to be. You know why? You know why I thought the worst? I thought the worst because I know what I was doing as a child whenever I was in my room when my door was closed. When I was in my room with the door closed, I was always doing the worst shit possible on the other side of the goddamn door. Every time my mom bust into my room, true story people, my dick was always in my hand. I swear to God, every time. “What are you doing, boy?” “Ahhh!” “Ahhh!” “Ah!” One time, she came in and I had my dick in this hand and I had matches in this hand. I don’t know what was about to happen, but she got there right on time. I told her there was about to be a hot dick in this bathroom. I was going to set this dick on fire. “Ahh!” The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex is that we were having sex in positions that you couldn’t play off. You know there’s some sexual positions that you can play off. There’s a lot of couples here tonight. I see you with your lady, sir. If you and your lady are having sex and your lady laying on the side and your kids come and bust in the room, you can play that off. All you got to do is sit up, act like you’re watching TV. Hey! Hey! Get the fuck out here. Don’t come back in here till we done watching TV. If you real good and you got your bottom half covered up, when you sit up, you can technically keep fucking while you talking. Hey, hey! Get your ass out the goddamn room. Don’t come in the goddamn room. Your lady be trying to talk. “Don’t come in here. This is my favorite part of the show.” You can play it off. Missionary, you can play that off. You having sex in the missionary position and your kids come and bust in the room. All you got to do is fall down and collapse on your lady. [pretends to snore] Make it look like you asleep. Kids are stupid, they’ll believe it. Shhh! Doggie style is tough. That’s a tough one. Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed. That’s tough to playoff. You’re caught, like… What do you do? What… What do you do? Oh, shit! You got one move. You got one move. You gotta make it look like you playing American football just.. hut hut! Hut, hut, hut! Get your ass out here. We’re going over football plays. Get out of here. We’re playing a couple down the street this week. Get your ass up out of here. My biggest fear was I didn’t want my kids to try to talk to me about what they saw. Please God. Don’t let my kids talk to me about the shit that they saw. I’m a firm believer in letting information float in the air and disappear. I don’t like to talk about it. Let it float in the air and disappear. I go downstairs and see my son in the kitchen. My son gave me a look that said that he wanted to ask me about what he just saw. I gave him a look back that said, “Don’t you fucking ask me about nothing that you just saw.” I knew he wasn’t really gonna try to ask me, ’cause he got in trouble at school earlier that week. I had to take my son’s phone from him, which is the worst thing to do to a child. Taking a kid’s phone is detrimental to a child’s lifestyle. As soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead instantly. Instantly! I said, “Give me the phone. You’re not getting the phone till you get your shit together.” I snatched the phone. He broke down. He said, [quavering voice] “Come on, Daddy, don’t do me like that.” [chuckles] He starts moving. “Don’t do me like that, Daddy.” He said, “Take my leg instead. Take my leg.” “What? Boy, give me the goddamn phone. You’re not getting the phone back till you get your shit together.” When I take the phone, I say to myself, “You know what? I need to go through my son’s phone. I need to see what my son has been talking about on his goddamn phone.” It’s irresponsible on my part, as a parent to not know what’s on my son’s phone. I gotta go through the phone. I realize I don’t have the code. I don’t got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing. I gotta go back to this little n i g g a and ask him to put the damn code in the phone. “Put the code in so I can see what you been talking about.” Straight-faced, my son said, “No, man, I ain’t going to do it.” Uh, what? “Put the code in before I punch you in the fucking throat.” That’s what I said. I said that. He took off running. Like he don’t live in this house. Like I’m not gonna see him at dinner in ten minutes. “Ain’t nobody chasing you. Gimme the code to the phone before I kick you in the back.” Swear to God, from downstairs, all I heard was, “Fuck you!” [elongated] Oh! I’m gonna kill him. I’m about to kill him. I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck. I start choking the shit out of my son. “What the fuck you say to me?” He couldn’t breathe. He was, “argh!” He said, “That’s the code! The code is ‘Fuck you.'” Oh. “That’s a good code son. That’s a good code. Is it Y-O-U or the letter U? How you spell it? I scratched your neck up real good. I apologize. I’m gonna get you a turtleneck, so you don’t have to go to school looking like that. I’m sorry.” My kid’s are getting older. Daughter’s 13, my son is ten now. Older they get, the more the arguments escalate. I caught my kids cursing at each other the other day. This shit made me laugh. If you’re a parent here tonight, and you don’t think your kids curse, you’re a stupid parent. You’re stupid. As soon as you walk out the house, your kids let it fly. Fuck, mother bitch, shit, dick, pussy, asshole, bitch. It don’t even go together. They say it at the same time. [laughter] I heard my daughter going off on my son, giving him the business. I’m asleep. I’m laying on the couch. She’s snapping. “I’m sick of your shit, Hendricks. You keep fucking with me, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Goddamn. Wait a minute. What the hell is going on in there?” I don’t want to blow my cover ’cause I want to hear what my son says back. I want to hear my son’s rebuttal. My son is exactly like me when I was a child. We’re identical, we’re exactly the same. My son is such a bitch. He’s such a bitch. This is what my son said. My son goes… “Honestly, really, then what, nothing. So why are we talking about it? Okay.” What? He… He stormed off like he won. Okay. In my son’s defense though, man, he’s got it bad. I don’t know what it is about older sisters and their younger brothers. Older sisters love to whip up on their younger brothers. I don’t know why, it’s a real thing. She dragged him down the steps the other day. I didn’t see it, I heard it. I just heard my son. He was like, “Oh, God, not again.” [bumping sounds] Just heard the fucking steps. But she’s a tough girl. My daughter’s not a little girly girl. She’s a little tomboy, man. She’s a tough fucking girl. She just got her period not too long ago. Took it like a champ. Shoulder-shrugged it like it was nothing. I was nervous. I was nervous ’cause I knew it was coming. I saw the signs: emotions, feelings all over the goddamn place. I tried to prepare for this period as if it was an earthquake. I went out… I bought a bunch of emergency period kits, put them in jacket pockets, her book bags. My fear was I didn’t want my baby to get the blood butt at school. That was my fear. If your baby get the blood butt, you got to relocate. You can’t send that child back to that school. You gotta fucking get a new school, you gotta move. There’s a bunch of expenses that go into that problem. She came downstairs, she caught me off guard. She was like, “Dad, I think my period’s on.” I panicked. “Fuck! Right now? Is it happening right now?” She said, “Mm-hm, something’s coming down my leg.” Oh! All my training went out the window. I said, “Go in the kitchen, get a gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry up. It’ll freeze the blood up.” I don’t know where I got that from. I pulled that out my ass. I opened up a maxi-pad like it was a grenade. I said, “Argh!” Argh! [laughs] I fucking missed! Shit stuck to her face. It was bad. That was a bad situation. You know what I love the most about my kids? I love that my kids don’t add stress to my life. I got enough stress going on as it is. I’m on marriage number two. That within itself is stressful. The reason why, sir, is because this marriage has to work. It has to! You don’t want to get to marriage three, four, and five. When you get there, at that point, you’re not even looking for love. You’re just looking for a death buddy. You’re looking for somebody to die with. You try and die together? Yes or no? I’ll die with you, if you die with me. Crazy thing about my relationship is that it’s on display. Everybody can see it, everybody can judge it. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care. It’s the bed I made for myself, I lay in it. What makes me laugh is when people act like they live my life. Like you walk in my shoes. Shit hit the fan for me and my marriage. Everybody had an opinion. Ugh, ugh, ugh! “Kevin Hart did it again. Kevin Hart fucked up again.” I want to make something clear to everyone here tonight. I did not fuck up again. Okay? In my first marriage, I filed for a divorce. That means I chose to leave. That means I made a better decision for me and my life. That’s not fucking up. That’s me moving on. Okay? Now, this time, I fucked up. This was fucking up, yes. Yes. But I don’t like it when people act like you plan to fuck up. Nobody plans to fuck up. That’s why it’s called a fuck-up. You don’t walk outside, like, today is the perfect day for a fuck-up. I’m, I’m… I’m fucking up all day today. This is fuck-up weather, that’s what this is. That’s not how it happens! The important thing is to learn from it. You got to learn from your fuck-ups. Lesson number one that I learned, is that whatever happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas! Don’t believe that shit! That commercial’s a goddamn lie. It should be taken off the television. For the first time in my life, I had to look in a mirror. Had to look in a mirror. I had to have a conversation with myself. “Goddamnit, Kevin. What are you doing? What are you doing? You’re almost 40 years old, you’re still doing the same dumb shit, grow up! Grow up!” Me realizing I had to grow up meant that I had to go back to my wife, make my wife feel secure and understanding that I was done doing the dumb shit. That put me in heavy “kiss-my-wife’s-ass” mode. That’s a bad place to be, fellas. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it’s a fucked up place. You do the same thing everyday. “Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need.” This is all you do. “Yep, yep, yep. I got it, I got it. I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Every day. With that being said, you’re now fighting for your woman’s security. Now when you try to fight to make sure your woman feels secure, you end up being insecure as a man. The reason why is because you’re questioning yourself. Is she happy? Is she satisfied? Is the sex still good? I’m gonna ask her. No, I can’t. If I ask her, I look weak. Now you start searching. True story. I went out, I bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all. It was a Tuesday, true story. You don’t do no shit like that on a Tuesday. That’s a weekend move. Not a Tuesday move. It was all good until I caught a reflection of myself in that mirror when we were fucking. Let me tell you something, people. Whatever you think you look like when you fucking, I promise you, you don’t look like that. I promise you. I’m not talking about you posing in front of the mirror. I’m talking about an unexpected glimpse of yourself in the goddamn mirror. I saw the bottom of my feet. I have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until I saw the bottom of my goddamn feet. My feet were black as shit. Where was I at? I didn’t wear shoes today? Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t fuck nobody with feet like this! It’s disgusting. My back was ashy, I had bumps on my ass. When did my ass break out like this? Had a full batch of measles on my ass and didn’t know it. I immediately booked a doctor’s appointment. “Y’all gotta fix this. I got braille on my butt, this is disgusting.” Whenever you go through any insecurities, especially when it comes to sex, as a man, we all turn to the same place for answers. Every man in this room has turned to porn at some point in time. Stupidest shit that a man can do. Here’s why I say it’s stupid. We don’t give people that do porn enough credit and enough respect. Those people are professional actors and actresses. That’s what they do for a living. You can’t just watch that shit and go home and try it. It don’t work like that. That’s like watching a karate movie, going outside, getting in a fight, telling everybody to back up so you can roundhouse kick this n i g g a in the head. You don’t know how to do that kick. It’s the same thing with porn. I’m not speaking from a hypothetical place. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’ve tried it. I watched porn with my wife. Tried to do the shit that I saw. I was nervous about it. I was having a conversation with myself. Should I do it? Should I fucking do it? Should I try it? I had good Kevin on this side. Bad Kevin was on this side. Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater. He said, “Absolutely not. Don’t do it. That’s a good woman. You talk to her first.” Bad Kevin popped up. Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants and a fishnet tank top. He was doing this, “Bad, Kevin.” Bad, Kevin said, “You going to listen to a man with khakis on? No, no!” He said, “Do it then, do it!” Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife. Puh! It was quick. Right in the fucking forehead. Puh! A loogie right on her goddamn forehead. [woman cackles] There was an awkward beat of silence. Nobody said nothing. It was quiet. Out of nowhere, she was like, “You just fucking spit on me!” The complete opposite reaction from the lady in the porn. The lady in the porn went crazy when it happened. She was like… [whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh! This spit making me so hot! Oh! This spit gonna make me cum. Oh! In my mind, I was like, “That’s how you make them cum.” You gotta spit on their fucking heads. I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. I even told my wife, “You’re not doing it right. You got to rub it in. That’s how you fucking cum.” I had to go downstairs, get a baby wipe. Clean her head off. That was embarrassing. I go to get back in the bed. She want to talk about it. What did I tell you guys? I don’t like to talk. Let it float in the air and disappear. I don’t want to talk about it. As soon as I get in the bed, she was like, “Did you really just spit on me?” I almost lied, I almost lied. Even though I know that she know that I know I did it, I almost fucking lied. The reason why is because bad Kevin popped back up. Bad Kevin was like… “Say it was a leak in the ceiling.” I said, “Now get… the hell out of here bad Kevin.” “Yes. Yes. I spit on you. Why? I don’t know. I was watching porn, I saw some shit, I tried it.” She said, “Kevin let me tell you something. I don’t care if you watch porn. Don’t be stupid enough to bring the shit you saw in our house.” She said, “I watch porn all the time. I don’t try to do the shit that I saw to you.” I said, “Er… Back the fuck up. When did this become a [shouting] whorehouse? The hell you mean you watching porn? What the hell are you watching?” She’s like, “Everything.” [echoing] Argh! Instantly, it got hurt. The reason why it hurt me is because I fucking couldn’t separate my pride from reality. This is a problem that all men have. See, reality is, if she wants to watch porn, she can. If I want to watch porn, I can. That’s how it should be. But my pride… my pride won’t let it be that way. My pride wanted to know what she was watching. I want to see it. Let me see it with my eyes. I want to see it. She said, “You want to see it?” “Let me see it.” She got her laptop, opened it up. She said, “My porn search is in my cookies. All you got to do is search my cookies.” I said, “You better get me a glass of milk ’cause I’m about to eat all these goddamn cookies.” The shit that I saw hurt my heart. It hurt me. The reason why is because her porn search was the complete opposite of who I am. Everything I saw was big. Everything was big. Big balls to the walls, big bats on big blacks, big cocks and socks. What the fuck is going on? One of the sites wasn’t even porn. It was a bunch of tall men being active. They were changing light bulbs, putting shit on shelves, hanging paintings. What kind of sick shit is this? What the fuck is this? She was like, “You can’t do none of that stuff, I like that stuff.” Agh! [chuckles] I went out and bought me one of them grab sticks after that. You know those sticks? They got the claw on it, so you can grab stuff. I went and bought one. I didn’t tell her. I just put it under my bed, waited for the next time we were having sex. I was like, “Yo. You know this picture by the bed is crooked.” She was like… “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get somebody to come and fix it.” I was like, “Or not.” And I fucking… I got the stick. She was like… [whimpering] Ohhhh! “You fucking like that shit? You like that shit?” Grab stick saved my marriage is what I’m trying to tell you all, man. It’s important to understand that you go through levels in life. There’s tons of levels, man. As you go through these levels, fucking just understand what they were, and become better. I’m gonna give you guys one gem. If you take nothing from this show tonight, take this one piece of information with you. So many people are on this journey to live a perfect life. I personally think it’s stupid. The reason why I say it’s stupid is because you have no idea what perfection is, unless you’ve experienced imperfection. The point that I’m making, is that you should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups because they help make you who you’re supposed to be. Don’t run away from your bullshit. Embrace it and become better. – That’s my message. – [crowd applauding] Now… right now… right now, we’re actually at a new stage. We just had a baby. Nine months ago. Kenzo Kash Hart, man. Thank you. Father of three! Father of three now. Now, here’s the thing. People thought I was playing around when I first talked about it, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know if I really wanted to have another baby. I felt like I did it. I got the best of both worlds. I got a boy. I got to girl. We’re married. “My kids are your kids. You got kids. Those are your kids.” She was like, “I know but they’re old. I want new ones.” “First of all, listen to me. Don’t talk about my fucking kids like they’re used cars. Ain’t nothing wrong with these goddamn kids.” She’s like, “I know I just want new ones.” The thing is, I didn’t know if I had the patience to deal with kids. That two year old age, you need patience to deal with a two-year-old baby. All you do is repeat yourself all goddamn day to a two-year-old child. You say the same shit over and over again. Hey, hey, come here, look at me. Hey. Look at me. What did I say? No. Come here, look at me, hey, look at me. What did I… no! Come here, look at me. Hey, hey, what did I… look at me. What did I say? What? No, come here. Look… Hey, hey. Look at… you want to get, ah! You want to… no! Come here, look at me. Ain’t nobody got time to do that shit all day. Ladies, stop assuming that every man has that patience because we don’t. We don’t have the patience. Another thing ladies… Stop making these old ass men have these fucking babies. I was at a park. I saw a 63-year-old man with a two-year-old baby. It was sad. He was treating the baby like a loose basketball at the playground. “Hey, hey, grab that baby, hey, goddamn. Ah! Fucking back! Goddamn! Somebody grab that, baby. Throw that baby back.” But he was a cool old head. You know, those old head that are stuck in that era? In this era right here? He was cool as shit. He did not know how to work none of the baby shit. So he was trying to get my attention. He was like, “Hey, hey. Youngblood! Hey, youngblood, let me holler at you real quick, hey. Youngblood. [sings] Stay it! [normal] Youngblood, let me holler at you real quick. – [crowd erupts] – Let me holler at you, youngblood. I got the stroller up, but I can’t get it down. It’s like a hard dick on a good night. Hello. Give me some. Come on now, youngblood. Give me some. You know, what I’m talking about.” I said, “Look, it’s a tap and release. All you do is tap the middle section and the stroller gone collapse.” He said, “Show me how to do it, youngblood.” I tapped the stroller, the stroller collapsed. He lost it. He said, “Get out! Shit! Yeah, yeah. Youngblood, can you follow me to my car help me properly strap my baby in the car seat? I don’t think I did it right on the way over here. Let’s just say I made a left and my baby slid from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. She was bleeding and everything. I’ll tell her mother it happened at the playground, but between us, it did not. Give me some. Come on now, hello. You know what I’m talking about.” Ladies, I will say this though. When it comes to having patience, you got it. I take my hat off to you. You actually deserve all the accolades that come your way when it comes to dealing with a child, ladies. Feeding your kid, bathing your kid, clothing your kid, to school, from school, potty training. Some of you do it while you work, it’s un-fucking-believable. Unbelievable. But… but… the one thing that you are not, ladies, is fun. You’re not fun. I know some women instantly got an attitude. “What? Bullshit! I’m fucking fun. You don’t even know. I’m so much fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. It’s never happened. The reason why is because you try to blur the lines, ladies. You want to do it all. You want to be the fun parent and the disciplinarian. You can’t be both. You gotta pick one. See, the fun tag gets slapped on the dad’s back. We don’t ask for it. It’s just the way it is. We don’t want to be the disciplinarian either, but you make us become the disciplinarian. As soon as a man walks in the house, you hit him with the bullshit. “Go in there and go fuck that baby up!” “What? What? I just got home. I just walked in the house.” “You going to let him disrespect us?” “Us?” “Ain’t nobody said shit to me. Ain’t nobody said shit to me.” Now, you’ve gotta give a confused ass-whipping. “Your mother said I got to fuck you up.” “What I do?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what you did. She said fuck you up or get fucked up. I choose you. I’m gonna fuck you up.” Right now, I know some women are thinking to themselves like, “So what Kevin? If it’s about having fun, then just go have fun.” It’s not that easy. Having fun is a very difficult job. The reason why I say that is because kids don’t know how to shut fun off. Kids think fun lasts forever. I’ll tell you the scariest shit in the world for a man to see after a long day at work. Long day at work, you get home, you put your key in the door, you open up that door real slow. Scariest shit in the world for a man to see is that baby with all that energy on the other side. “Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. I want to play, Daddy. I’ve been taking naps with Mommy all day. I want to play that game where you try to close your eyelids and I keep opening them back up. Oh, yeah. It’s time to play, Daddy.” I make a bet. I make a bet right now to every man in this room that has a child, has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work, you’re in your car, driving home. You pull in your driveway. When you pull in your driveway, that baby with all that energy runs to the window, opens up the blinds. Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. You see the baby in the blinds. The baby sees you. You and the baby are looking at each other. You locked eyes with a goddamn baby. You’re staring at the baby, the baby staring at you. And you back out the driveway. You back out the goddamn driveway. Fuck that baby today. I’d rather go back to work and throw boxes at the goddamn wall than deal with that baby today. “Where are you going, Daddy?” “Fuck you, baby. Fuck you, baby.” You’re only laughing because it’s true. With that being said, it’s very important to understand your patience. You got to know your patience levels. The older you get, the thinner your patience gets. My patience is definitely wearing thin. I know it is. You know how I know? Because I’m not the same guy that I used to be with my dogs. I’m a dog dude, people. I love dogs, you hear me? I love dogs. Shouts out to my other dog lovers if you’re here tonight. – Shouts out to you. – [crowd members whooping] Love dogs. I got two dogs. I got a big ass Doberman. That’s Roxy. That’s my heart. Love Roxy to death. Then we got a little Min Pin. That’s Riggs. I’m gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck about that dog. That’s my wife’s dog. I don’t care. I don’t care about that dog. But my dog, my dog is trained, trained to the max. But I got comfortable. I got comfortable with my dog. When you get comfortable, things change. True story, I wake up 5:30 in the morning, I walk in my hallway. My dog went to the bathroom in the hallway. I see it. I got a decision to make. Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog and clear this up right now? Or do I back into bed and deal with it later when I wake up? It’s 5:30. I chose to get back into bed. I’ll deal with it later when I wake up. 7:15 my wife wakes up, all I hear is, “Oh, my God! The dog went to the bathroom in the hallway.” I sat up acting like I didn’t know nothing. “You got to be fucking kidding me!” I said, “You want me to get it? You want me to clean it up?” She was like, “No, I’m up now. I’ll get it.” I was like, “Exactly.” Exactly. I knew you’d get it. That’s why I left it there. I “exactly-d” you. At that moment, I thought to myself, “Goddammit, Kevin. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be the man who doesn’t give a 100% ’cause you know your other half is going to put up the percentage you failed to give?” No, I don’t. I don’t. I was about to be, I was about to be that guy until my best friend, Harry, showed up in my house with his two-year-old baby. Harry’s got a two-year-old baby. I call his baby a great baby. Let me tell you what I mean when I say a great baby. A great baby is a baby that does adult shit at a baby age. Now, Harry showing up at my house with his baby unannounced was a bitch move. I didn’t like that at all. That was a bitch move. But my wife fell for it. As soon as she saw the baby, she was like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No. No. You haven’t had a break since you had that baby. Leave the baby with me and Kev. We gonna watch the baby for y’all today.” He said, “Kev is that okay with you?” I said, “As you can see, I don’t run my household. I have no control over my household.” They leave the baby with us. They get in the car, they drive off. Here’s how I knew this was a great baby. When they drive off, the great baby’s waving bye, she’s on the front step. She turns around, taps me on the leg twice. She said, “Pardon me.” I said, “What the fuck did you just say?” That’s a little black baby. I’ve never heard a black person say “pardon me.” Never! I move out the way. The great baby walks in the kitchen. I tell my wife the great baby might be hungry. Let’s see if she wants something to eat. “You want a sandwich?” Great baby says, “Yes.” We make a sandwich, put it on a plate, set it on the countertop. The plate made a noise when it hit the countertop. The great baby tapped the countertop and looked at me. She said, “Granite? Is it granite?” I said, “What the fuck? Yes. Yes, great baby. That is a granite countertop.” Who’s been watching HGTV with this baby? I’m blown away. At this point, I feel like I don’t even need to be around the baby. I’ve seen enough. I go in the living room, I finish watching TV. Great baby follows me, get on the couch, starts watching TV with me. We get done watching TV, the great baby gets off the couch, but she didn’t get off the couch like a regular baby. Regular babies turn on their stomach and slide down until their feet hit something. Sometimes it’s the floor, sometimes it’s not. That’s the gamble that a regular baby is willing to take. The great baby didn’t do that. The baby sat up at the edge and jumped. She landed, put both hands in the air. She looked at me, she said, “Ten? Is it a ten?” You’re fucking right it’s a goddamn ten, great baby. You stuck the shit out of that landing! At this point, I’ve seen enough! I’ve seen enough, I’m blown away by her. She can take care of herself. Great baby is now walking all over the house. Once again, this is a true story. Ten minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. I smell shit. I smell it. I turn around, there’s a pile of shit in the middle of my living room floor. My Doberman’s on this side, the great baby is on this side. Now I’m pissed. My dog didn’t bark. “You didn’t scratch the door. Now you’re in trouble.” I grab my dog by the collar. I discipline my dog. “You know better than this. You don’t go to the bathroom in the house and more importantly, you don’t embarrass me in front of this goddamn great baby.” I go put my dog in the cage. I go back to clean it up. I look at it. That’s not my dog’s shit. I know what my dog’s shit looks like. It don’t look like that. I look at the great baby. The great baby got on a white Pamper. There’s no shit anywhere around the Pamper. Now, I’m confused. ‘Cause I know what I’m looking at. Somebody’s shitting on the floor. I’m looking at shit on the floor. Somebody’s shitted on the floor. I’m so confused. I go wake my wife up. My wife’s sleeping on the couch. “Babe.” “Babe, wake up. Wake up.” “What?” “Hey. Wake up!” “What?” “Hey! Did you shit on that floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “What?” – “Did you shit on the floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “Ain’t nobody shit on no floor.” – “Somebody’s shitted on the floor.” I turn back around. Me and the great baby lock eyes. Now, I feel like the great baby’s trying to play me. I said, “Great baby, I been nothing but good to you, since you been in my house. You came in the house, you wanted something to eat. I made you a sandwich. We watched TV. You jumped off the couch. I gave you a ten. For you to shit on my floor is disrespectful. Did you shit on my floor?” The great baby was like, “Pardon me?” “Shut the… Shut up, shut up! Shut up! Did you shit on my floor?” Great baby put both hands in the air and turned around as if to say, “Check me.” I take two fingers. I put my fingers in the back of the Pamper. I pull the Pamper out. There’s no shit in the back of the Pamper. At this point, I’m fucked up in the head. Now, I question myself. Did… Did I shit on the floor? I didn’t shit on no floor. I would know if I shitted on the floor. I didn’t shit on the floor. I apologize to the great baby. “Great baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came at you like that. You been great since you’ve been in my house. You know what I’m gonna do? Look at my security cameras.” I got cameras all over the house. I go look at the cameras. Whoever shit on my floor was a mastermind. This was a planned attack. I say that because they shitted in the one blind spot that I have in my house. I couldn’t see a damn thing from this spot. So I had to take one for the team. I go get the cleaning materials. I come back, I clean it up. It took me 45 minutes to get this up out of the carpet. I’m pissed! Pissed! Harry comes back to get the great baby. “You had a good time? You all enjoy the baby?” My wife is ecstatic. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We love that baby.” “What about you Kev?” I said, “That’s a great baby. You’re doing a good job. Can we talk? Away from everybody, please? I just want to tell you that I snapped on the great baby. I was pissed off ’cause somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “What?” I said, “Somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “Oh, my God. She did that.” I said, “Excuse me?” He said, “She did that. She know how to take her Pamper, pull it to the side to shit wherever she’s at. Then she’ll put the Pamper back. I forgot to tell you that when I dropped her off.” “How the fuck do you forget to tell me that?” That should’ve been the first thing you said when you dropped this shitty-ass baby off at my goddamn house.” My dog came up. My dog was like, “You got to put that bitch in the cage.” I said, “Hey. Hey! Go lay down, go lay down.” I said, “Dude, I’m pissed off. It took me 45 minutes to get it out of the carpet.” My wife was like, “Exactly.” I said, “Babe, not now. Let me handle it.” She said, “I’m just saying ‘Exactly.'” I said, “Exactly what?” She said, “I saw the baby when she did it, but I didn’t feel like cleaning up, so I just acted like I was asleep.” I said, “Ain’t this about a bitch? Ain’t this about a bitch?” She “exactly-d” me back, people. She got me good. I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed. Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret compartments all over my house. Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened. Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment. Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling] I still allow my closest friends to come over my house once a month. Once a month. We have game night at my house once a month. I’m gonna be honest with you, people. I personally don’t like game night. I can’t stand game night. I think game night brings the worst out in couples, especially in my household ’cause we’re way too competitive. We play Monopoly. But I don’t like the way we play Monopoly. We don’t play it correctly. We allow the negotiations to go outside of the game of Monopoly. For example, here’s how we negotiate. Let’s say we’re playing. Right, here’s how we negotiate. I say, “Alright, look. You can land on my property two times without paying, but you got to pay my parking ticket that I got in real life yesterday. If you agree to that… That’s our deal. You understand what I’m saying?” Last time we played, I got pissed because the women got drunk. When women get drunk… Women, you guys can get stupid when you get drunk. You got two levels, ladies. You got “not drunk” and “stupid.” You skip all this space, like literally! You just hop over all the fucking space. It’s either, “No, I’m not drinking like that tonight,” or it’s, “Oh, my God, I’m so fucked up!” It’s one or the other. It’s so… “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I got this fucked up. Somebody put one of the Monopoly pieces in my butt.” “What? What did you say?” “I’m so fucked up!” They messed up the game and I was killing the game. I was destroying the goddamn game. Now, I can admit I’m very childish when I play board games. Very childish. Whenever you land on my property, I make DJ noises. [DJ air horn] Every time you land on my property. [DJ air horn] You gotta pay that. You gotta fucking pay that. [DJ air horn] My wife was drunk. She landed on my property, I lit her up. [DJ air horn] You gotta fucking pay that! You gotta pay that! Ever seen a woman when she’s drunk? She tries to talk like she’s not drunk, but she’s clearly drunk. She was like, “Alright, alright. Alright… It ain’t even that serious like… How… how m- [hiccups] How m… how much… how much I owe you? What I owe you?” I look down, she don’t have no money. “You don’t even have money! Stop wasting time, take your piece, put it in the box. Give the fuck up, you lost! [DJ air horn] Get the fuck out of here.” “You gonna do me like that. You gonna do your wife like that?” “Yes! Yes!” It’s a game, all I want to do is win. I took her piece. I plucked it, bam! That shit shot across the room somewhere. [DJ air horn] “Get the fuck out of here.” All my trash-talk is within the game of Monopoly. She takes it outside the game of Monopoly. She goes, “All you want to do is win? That’s all you want to do? Well, all I want to do is cum sometimes.” “What? Whatcha? What? What? The fuck’s that got to do with anything? What’s that got to do with the goddamn game?” Out of nowhere, Harry and Wayne stood up, like… [DJ air horn] “He don’t make her cum.” I said, “Ain’t this a bitch?” I got mad. I messed up the game. “Everybody out, get the fuck out, everybody out my house. Get out!” They start walking out, Harry and Wayne was like, “Man, fuck this house and his fake-ass guard dogs.” When he said that, a light bulb went off in my head for the first time. I immediately thought to myself… Where were my dogs when I got robbed? Where… were my dogs? I run. I go look at those security cameras. I’ll be damned if I didn’t see four eyes in the closet doing this shit right here. They looked at the whole thing. You could hear them talking. “Goddamn, they’re taking everything. You see this? This is ridiculous. They’re not leaving nothing behind. I’m glad we got our stuff in here. You got your bed, you got your bowl. He gotta get a guard dog. I’m not going to live like this. This is not safe for us.” Bitch, you are the guard dog! [Kevin laughs] You need friends like the ones I got. I have amazing friends, man. I truly believe that I would not be where I am today, if it were not for my support group. My friends have a lot to do with my level of success. That’s why I’m loyal to them, that’s why I’m true to them. Over the summer, I took them to Japan. I said, “Let’s do something different. Let’s embrace another culture. The word “No” cannot exist.” They said, “You bet, let’s do it.” We go to Japan. First thing they wanted to do in Japan is go to the amusement park. Now, if you really know me, if you really follow me, you know I don’t like amusement parks. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist and that’s what I meant. We go to the amusement park in Japan. When we got there, I have to be honest. I was blown away. The shit was incredible. The reason why I was blown away is because I… I was the tallest person in the park. This is a true story. It’s a true story. They were calling me Godzilla. I gave advice that I never give, telling people to drink milk, eat their vegetable, shit I’ve never said. We go to get on a roller-coaster. Once again, I don’t do roller coasters. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist, and that’s what I meant. We go to get on this roller coaster and it made me realize how spoiled some of us are. We’re very spoiled. For example, we go to the amusement park. We get on a roller coaster, you’re used to hearing a click when you put the shit over your head. [clicks] That’s how you know you’re locked in. Ha, ha. Yeah. Let’s go bitch, locked and loaded. I’m ready. In Japan, there was no click. They put the shit over me. I can still move it. I was like… I got no click. My shit ain’t clicked I ain’t got no click, yo. I look down my row at some Japanese people in the aisle. I was like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click.” This lady took her camera out, started taking pictures. I was like, “Bitch, no. This ain’t the time for that. It’s not the time for that. This is serious.” Japanese guys walking back down the aisle. I flag him down. I’m like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click. I ain’t got no click. My shit ain’t clicked.” Scariest moment of my life. He looked me in the eye. We lock eyes together. He goes, “So excited! So excited!” I said, “What? What’d you just say?” “So excited, so excited.” It started moving. The roller coaster started moving. I can’t jump out ’cause it’s too high. So I wrap up my arm under the bar. I said, “God, not like this. You didn’t bring me to Japan to end it like this, did you? Don’t do it like this.” It takes off. When it takes off, my stomach immediately falls in my ass, immediately! My belly button and my ass-hole was touching. It was doing this. I started farting and burping. [makes farting noises] “Oh, God I’m gonna die. I’m gonna fucking die. I know it, I’m about to die right now.” It turns out, it was one stop. It was a tram. This took you to the roller coaster. Ain’t nobody told me that. They don’t communicate in Japan. The name of the roller coaster was “So excited.” So excited! We got on the roller coaster and they were like, “So excited!” I said, “No, I’m not! You don’t see these faeces on my back. I shitted all on myself. Get me the hell out of here.” [laughs] Japan was very tough for me, very tough. The reason why Japan was so tough for me is because I didn’t have a translator. Nobody told me that I needed a translator. When we got there and saw that I needed one, “Fuck it, it’s too late. I got to figure it out.” Here’s why it was very tough. I don’t eat seafood, people. I’m allergic to seafood. Everywhere you go to eat in Japan, it’s all seafood. Now, you don’t want to be racist, you don’t want to be an asshole, but you end up doing racist asshole shit by accident when you try to communicate. ‘Cause you don’t speak the language, so you just mimic what they do when they talk. It’s the most racist thing I’ve ever done in my life. “Chicken” Chicken. Oh, fuck it. I just can’t get low. Chicken… [strange accent] Chicken. I saw a reflection of myself. Immediately got disappointed. Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you. I had a Snickers bar. Lasted me for four days. I’d just take a bite, put it in my pocket. I was weak. I was fucking weak, man. I was like, “I’m hungry, I need to eat.” My friends wanted to go out the last night. I said, “I can’t. I’m about to die. Y’all go. I just want to go to bed, wake up, get on the plane and eat.” That’s all I want to do. They go out, I stay home. I wake up in the middle of night. My stomach is killing me. I called the front desk. A woman picked up the phone. She said, “Hello, front desk, may I help you?” It was the first time that I heard English outside of my friends in Japan. You would have thought that I was Tom Hanks in Castaway. I lost it. [screams] Ah! Chicken! [sobbing] Please! Chicken! She was like, “Sir, calm down. Calm down. – What room are you in?” – “I don’t know.” She said, “Look at the phone. Your room number is on the phone.” Okay. I’m… I’m in room… I’m in room… line, line, dash, cross house. I don’t know how to read it. It looks like an abandoned building with no windows, made out of bamboo sticks, I don’t know. So excited… I don’t know. Help!” Did you get it? Did you get the joke? You got it. ‘Cause the way they write their numbers. You got it? I felt like you should have gave a bigger laugh. I don’t think your laugh was… is what it should have been. I almost threw this goddamn microphone at your head just now, sir. I love the fact that I can travel. I love the fact that I can take my kids to places that I never dreamed or imagined I’d be able to. Every year around the holidays, I take my kids to Aspen. I don’t want you to think I take my kids to Aspen because we can ski because we cannot! I just like that we’re the only black people there when we go. It looks great. It just looks good. Last time we went, I actually got into an accident on the bunny slopes. I’m trying to learn how to ski. Now, the bunny slopes, they don’t give you ski poles, they take your ski poles away. They want you to get comfortable with going from right to left and falling. So I’m on the bunny slopes. They push me down the slope. I’m in my ski stance, right? I’m going down. Out the corner of my eye, I see a kid coming this way. Now, I’m not good at math. I’m not good at math at all, but I know if he keeps coming this way and I keep going this way, we going to fuck each other up somewhere up here. As I’m getting closer, I’m like, “I’m about to hit this kid.” My instructor start yelling, “Fall! Fall!” I’m trying, I can’t. I can’t, they didn’t teach me, I’m not going down. Now I gotta make a decision. Do I just run this kid over and keep going? Or do I become a hero? I chose to do some hero shit. As I got closer, I picked the kid up. When I picked the kid up, I thought that the weight would make me stop. But instead, we did a little hop. And we start going down another slope, but this… This was the real shit. This was not a part of the bunny slope. I knew it was real ’cause when we start going down, this lady, she was like, “He got my baby!” I was like,”That’s not good. That is not good at all.” I said, “God, please don’t let this baby be white. Don’t let this be a white baby.” ‘Cause I couldn’t see the baby, the baby had on a snowsuit. I lift up that visor, that little Japanese head popped out like this. That baby says, “So excited!” Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got nervous, just left the baby there. I had to go. Last time we went, I got pissed off because the singer Seal showed up on my black week. I was pissed. It was my black week. I’ve been coming here for the last four to five years on this week. For you to show up on my black week is very selfish and inconsiderate of you, Seal. He said, “Kev, what are you talking about? You don’t own this week.” I said, “Hell if I don’t. I do.” He said, “I didn’t know you skied.” I said, “Why else would I be here unless I skied?” He said, “What mountain are you going to?” “Which one are you going to?” He said, “Buttermilk, the big one.” I said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you there.” I go to my instructor, “Hey, man, Seal is here. He’s trying to out-black me on my black week. You got to take me and my family up to Buttermilk Mountain. My instructor took us up to Buttermilk mountain. When we got there, he was very honest. He said, “Look, you guys have no business being up here.” He said, “This mountain is way too advanced for you guys. You don’t know how to maneuver. If you go straight, you’re going to die. So we got to chop the mountain up, we got to make big S’s going down the mountain.” I said, “Perfect. You go first, then me, then my son, then my daughter then my wife.” In my mind, if anybody falls, they’re going to fall on me. That’s how I’ll keep my family together. That’s what I’m thinking in my head. Okay? We start going down the mountain. Exactly what he said, It’s coming true. We’re making big S’s. Out of nowhere, a gust of wind shoots by my face. I turn around. I don’t see my son. I have no idea… where my son is. I turned back around this way. The instructor said, “Oh, my God, your son is going straight, I’ll go get him.” I said “No, you’re not. You’re doing no such thing. He made his choice. He chose death. That’s what he chose.” You’re not about to go save him and leave us stranded. Next thing you know, I got to eat my wife’s ass to survive. My wife was like, “I still ain’t going to cum.” “Will you shut the fuck… shut up!” My daughter was like… [DJ air horn] “Shut… everybody shut up!” Out of nowhere, Seal came flying over the mountain. Seal was like, “I’ll save him!” The crowd starts fucking cheering. His music start playing out, I don’t even know where the goddamn speakers were. I’m pissed! I told my instructor, “Hey, man, get me to the bottom of the mountain, Seal is trying to out-black me on my black week.” We get down to the bottom of the mountain, Seal’s got my son on his shoulders. It’s a crowd of people around him celebrating. I’m pissed. Pissed! Seal! Give me back my fucking son, right now, give me my son. He said, “You need to be thanking me for saving your son’s life.” “Ain’t nobody ask you to do that. I was willing to live with the consequences. Give my fucking son back, right now.” He said, “You’re not to talk to me like that in front of these people.” I said, “Fuck you and these people.” Seal popped out his skis without using his hands. Pop, pop. He got in a fighting stance. I tried to do the same thing, but I couldn’t do it. I just ended up leaning all over the place like Michael Jackson in that fucking “Smooth Criminal” video. The crowd thought it on purpose. They were like, “Oh!” He said, “Cuss at me again, Kevin, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Fuck you.” He said, “Fuck you.” When he said it, a piece of spit flew out his mouth, landed on my wife’s forehead. My wife said, “Ahhh! [echoing] I’m cumming!” It’s been real London and my name is Kevin Hart, goddamnit. I appreciate the love. Thank you guys so much. I fucking love you. I love you. And you best believe I’ll be back! [50 Cent ft. Chris Brown “I’m The Man”] ♪ Came in the game gettin’ money ♪ ♪ Flippin’ checks, whip it, Gettin’ money ♪ ♪ N i g g a s get to playin’ with the money Clique bang for the money ♪ ♪ Shit changed over money ♪ ♪ They love to see a n i g g a on the bottom ♪ ♪ Catch it coming, Gotta keep it on the low ♪ ♪ A n i g g a plug bless a n i g g a With a whole ♪ ♪ Wanna break the bitch down Into 36 O’s ♪ ♪ Looky here, bitch, I’m A-okay Shorty wanna fuck with me ♪ ♪ Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, n i g g a Lady, she gon’ hit my line ♪ ♪ We ain’t gon’ waste no time ♪ ♪ She sucking and we fucking Like she need me ♪ ♪ While she make a bankroll easy ♪ ♪ All the light in the room from the TV ♪ ♪ We gettin’ it on then I’m gone It’s the type of shit that a n i g g a be on ♪ ♪ Too much on my mind right now ♪ ♪ I’m on the grind right now ♪ ♪ Looking for me, sucker, Then I need to be found right now ♪ ♪ I got my nine right now Bitch, I’ll blow your mind right now ♪ ♪ I ain’t fucking around right now ♪ ♪ Better get in line right now ♪ ♪ Or fuck around and die right now ♪ ♪ Hope you understand that ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man ♪ ♪ You know I’m the man ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪ ♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

W. Kamau Bell: Private School Negro (2018) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/w-kamau-bell-private-school-negro-transcript/

[cheering and applauding] What’s up? Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate all that applause, but also be careful. We have parents in the audience. There’s a lot of energy to put out this late at night for them. I appreciate you parents coming out ’cause you did the hard work to come here, yes. You had to get, like, babysitters and aunties, or that weird neighbor, like, it’ll probably be fine. Oh, yeah. [crowd laughing] [Bell laughs] Yeah, that’s how it is when you’re a parent. When you’re a parent, you have to do things sometimes for your kids… whether you want to or not. That’s the joy of parenting. Like, my kids like to go camping. It’s not their fault. Their mom is white, all right? [crowd laughing] It’s how she was raised. I got to be honest, as a black man, I just don’t feel like it’s in my DNA to want to sleep outside on purpose, you see what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying? “Let’s go sleep outside for fun.” Why would we do that? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] We have too much camping in our history. You know what I’m talking about? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Thank you that section, yeah! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Why would I want to sleep outside? We slept outside the big house for years. Now I have a mortgage on the big house. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] How come… wherever you go camping, it’s always a feature that your cellphone reception gets much worse? Why would you put those two things together? Let’s go out into the forest… in the middle of nowhere, and my cellphone doesn’t work. Nah, nah, nah. Again, as a black man, that makes me real uncomfortable, all right? I got places at home, where my phone goes to three bars, I go, I’m getting the fuck out of here! No. [crowd laughing] Unh-unh. ”Sorry, I can’t do the laundry, honey. No, no, no.” I don’t know what might happen while I’m in there, trying to reach you. Text message comes through tomorrow. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Unh-unh, I’m not that kind of person. “I want to live off the grid.” I don’t want to live off the grid. I want the grid on my goddamn forehead! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I want my phone all charged up, all the bars, all the apps ready to go, all the news apps. You know, I need to know everything, at all times. I got an app on my phone that just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! [crowd laughing] Oh, shit! It doesn’t even say why. It doesn’t wanna scare me. It just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It doesn’t want to get me nervous. I got high blood pressure. I said I’m black! What have I got to say? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Eventually, it just says, “Stop, n i g g a, stop.” Oh, good… “You good, n i g g a, you good.” Okay. Happens about three times a week. It’s how I got here tonight. “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! Hey, I’m shooting a special right there! All right. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And I can tell… there’s some tension in the audience. Why does your phone have to call you… a n i g g a? [crowd laughing] Why would your phone… have to… call… you… a… Because “Run, black man, run!” doesn’t sound that serious, you know? [crowd laughing] Sounds like it’s encouraging me. [crowd laughing] ”Run, black man, run. You can do it, black man. You can do it. Believe in yourself, black man. Believe in yourself.” Sounds like Oprah started the app, or something. [crowd laughing] Like, it’s encouraging me to seek local office. “Black man, we need more men of color running at all levels of politics. Not just president. We need controllers…” Nah. Then I’m like, “You’re right, app, you make a good point.” [makes thudding sound] Oh, shit! I wish my phone had just called me a n i g g a. [crowd laughing] Which is the name of a book of poetry I’m writing right now. You gotta do what you can for your kids. That’s the whole thing. Whether I like it or not. And I got two daughters. Actually, currently my wife’s pregnant with our third daughter. That’s right. Yeah, yeah, that’s true. Yeah. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -That’s right. I only make girls, that’s right. That’s right. That’s all that’s coming out of here. If anybody wants a girl, I’ll finish this off and put some in here for you, and then you can… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The interesting thing about having daughters, right now, or kids, even, is that… they are also understanding that the country is in a hectic place. Like, my daughters don’t watch the news, but they can tell that things are not right. They remember when their mom cried on the election night. You know, they know things aren’t happening the way they should. I don’t know how my six-year-old gets the information, but she knows. I was watching the news, and she came in and goes… [deap breath] “Dada, are they still trying to figure out why Donald Trump is the president?” [crowd laughing] ”Yes, how did you know that? What? You watch two seconds of news and you figure– That’s the entire hour of Don Lemon, tonight. ‘Why is Donald Trump the president?’ You just synthesized an hour of CNN into one question. Fuck my show! I’m getting you a show on CNN! Tonight on Sami Bell Live, two questions. One, why is Donald Trump still President? And two, how come my Js are backwards when I write them. I don’t understand! We’re gonna solve these two questions tonight on Sami Bell Live!” Don Lemon tonight The backward Js are actually harder to figure out. She’s like, ”Trump is president because of Russia and the electoral college. Anyway, on to the Js. I try to write ’em…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] -[crowd cheering and applauding] -[chuckles] Yeah… And you know, the thing is, as bad as things are… as parents, we have to try to give our kids hope, right? Sometimes it’s hard to give them hope. You know. One time, Sami walked in and goes, “Dada… is there anything we like about Donald Trump? I mean, like, anything?” I was, like, “Uh… His haircuts are remarkably consistent.” [crowd laughing] ”He’s gotta take a lot of product. He travels a lot. He must have a big kit of… products.” I’m struggling to give my daughter something to feel hopeful about, with President Trump. Right then my wife walked in the room and went, “Move. No, no, no! Nothing! Nothing! Not a goddamn thing. I’m not mad at you, I’m just tense. No, no. What the fuck is wrong with you?” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] That’s right. That’s right. I got a #woke white wife. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Like, why are you entertaining this discussion? [chuckles] But it’s hard. I try to watch a lot of news and stay informed, but the news is not always appropriate for kids these days. Lot of parents, in here, had to explain to their kids what a shithole was. Like, ten years before they’d have to, you know? Like, my wife sometimes gets frustrated. She says, “The news is not important for children.” I’m like, “What shall I turn on?” “I don’t know. Game of Thrones. I don’t give a shit!” [crowd laughing] ”Put on the Red Wedding, you know what I’m saying? I’d prefer the Red Wedding to this. This is not appropriate.” That’s the thing. You have to, like… you know… The bigger part about being a parent is you got to control the media your kids take in. You can’t just let them watch anything on TV. And we’re really lucky in my household ’cause my oldest daughter is six, and right around the time my daughter Sami started wanting to watch TV, the show Doc McStuffins premiered. Some of you know what I’m talking about. The rest, come along for the journey. Doc McStuffins is one of the greatest TV shows in the history of television. Not one of the greatest kids TV shows. One of the greatest television shows. I’ll put it up against The Wire and The Sopranos any day. [crowd laughing] I watch that show. I’m excited for new episodes. Let me explain. Doc McStuffins is about a little black girl, who’s six years old, and she’s a doctor for her stuffed animals and toys. She wears a stethoscope, and it’s magical, and when it makes a sound, all the toys come to life. They don’t explain how it works. Voodoo? I don’t know what it is. But when her toys have problems, like when they break their arm or feeling tired, she tells them what to do. “You need to take a nap. Here’s a cast.” And so she’s actively being a doctor… on the show, as a six-year-old black girl. -Have I blown your mind, yet? -[crowd] Yeah! There’s more. So it gets kids ready to go to the doctor, not afraid of the doctor. It also teaches kids how to speak up for themselves in general. There was an episode about inappropriate touching. In one episode, one of the stuffed animals was like, “Of course storms are getting worse. That’s global warming.” Holy shit! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Doc is more woke than our president! [crowd laughing] Wait. There’s more. On the show. Doc’s mom, who’s a black woman, is also a doctor of real patients. [deep breath] And we’ve been to her practice in the show. She’s got her own private practice, so we know she’s balliiiiiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] And Doc’s dad… Black man. I don’t know what he does. He’s always in the kitchen cutting vegetables. I don’t know. I don’t know if he gets paid, but he’s like, “Would you like a carrot?” Which is, like, “Oh, my God, black man on TV offering vegetables! What is this?” That’s never been done before. No, it hasn’t, so, yeah, that’s true. [crowd laughing] But there’s more. During the commercial breaks on Doc McStuffins, they actually have real black women, who are real doctors, in real life, and they show you their office, and talk about their practice, and how they became a doctor. So, my daughters are watching Doc McStuffins, and watching Doc be a black woman doctor, and watch Doc’s mom be a black woman doctor. And then they watch real black women being doctors, so my daughters are, like, “Yeah. Black women are doctors.” -Yeah. -[crowd applauding] Yeah. It’s not even worth clapping about. Yeah. -[crowd applauding] -Black women are doctors. It’s just how the world works. Black women are doctors. And… we got to see how deep the effect was on Sami. She’d watched Doc for about a year, and it was time to go back to the doctor. And she was excited. Kids aren’t excited to go to the doctor. But she was excited. “We need to go to the doctor.” She got there. She sat up on the table, like, “When’s the doctor coming in? Can I touch the sphygmomanometer?” And I was like, “Which one is that?” [crowd laughing] And then… the doctor walked in the room… and it was a white man… and she was, like, “What the fuck is this?” [crowd laughing] ”Nah. Nah, nah, nah. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Nope. That’s not a doctor. That’s not a doctor.” [crowd laughing] ”That’s not a doctor. Frankly, I don’t know if white men are ready to be doctors. I’ve never seen a white man doctor. How do we know if they even know how to become doctors?” -[crowd laughing] -[laughs] But Sami’s also smart. So, she knew, she had to let us know that she wasn’t cool with the situation. But she also knew, she had to do so in a way that let me and her mom know, but didn’t alert the doctor to anything being wrong, ’cause as we’ve taught her, you don’t want to spook a white man. You know what I mean? All the people of color here know that. You don’t want to spook a strange white man. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Keep him in front of you. Make sure… Right. We all teach our kids that. You know what I’m talking about, yeah. -You know what I’m talking about. -[crowd laughing] So, she said something to let us know that she was ready to go. But what she said, was something kids never say. So, I knew she was lying. She turned to my wife and goes, “I’m sleepy.” [crowd laughing] “Oh my, God, I’m just so sleepy! I’d like to stay with this white man touching me, but I just feel like… we should probably go and come back when… [shouting] there’s a black female doctor here!” [crowd cheering and applauding] [chuckles] What is wrong with you people? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Luckily, we live in Berkeley, California, where you can find black women doctors. Yeah, Berkeley. Yeah. Is that for Berkeley or for black women doctors? [crowd applauding] Yeah, yeah. Berkeley is like a sleepy college town. I like living there ’cause it’s a college town, but it’s also a place to relax. At least, it was that, until the election kicked up into high gear, and then it became this place that… every few weeks the alt-right would show up and start fights in the streets. If there’s anybody here who doesn’t know about the alt-right, let me explain. The alt-right is a bunch of white dudes… How do I explain? They wish there were a little bit taller. [crowd laughing] They wish they were ballers. If they had a girl, they would call her. Yeah. That’s the best way to explain it. It’s what it boils down to, if I had to bottom line it. [crowd applauding] So, every few weeks, the alt-right would show up in Berkeley and start fights. People in the media, which is hard for me ’cause I work in the media, would go, “Berkeley is fighting the alt-right in the streets. Look at Berkeley fighting…” I was like, “I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is not fighting the alt-right in the streets.” Now, here’s how it works. The alt-right puts out flyers, they get online, they create graphics, and tweet, and Facebook that they’re going to have a fight in Berkeley… on, like, a Saturday. Then what happens is that, in the surrounding area of Berkeley, people who like to fight are, like, “Wanna fight in Berkeley this weekend?” “Sure, I’d like to. What’s it about? I don’t give a shit. I just wanna hit somebody, yeah.” They show up, and they fight in the streets. The media goes, “Berkeley versus the alt-right. The alt-right is fighting in the streets.” No, it’s not Berkeley. Do you know how it affected the residents when the alt-right showed up first time? This is how the residents were affected. It canceled the farmers market. That’s how Berkeley was affected. There was white women in yoga pants at the fight, going, “This is bullshit!” [crowd laughing] ”How the fuck am I supposed to get my kale, all right? Am I supposed to get it from Whole Foods, like I’m a goddamn refugee? [shouts] Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Like I’m Somali, is that what you want me to do? Carrying yoga mats wrapped in plastic, never been used.” So yeah, the media is like, “It’s Berkeley versus the alt-right.” Then what happens is all these D-list, right-wing celebrities showed up in Berkeley to take advantage of the moment, so they could get some press. So, then you’ve got Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos showing up, and they had speeches at Berkeley, but they didn’t give the speeches ’cause then the alt-right showed up and there were fights. The police said, “This is not safe for our students,” who are like, “I gotta get to class!” So, their speeches were canceled, and then Coulter and Yiannopoulos and all the people on the right are, like, “Berkeley is anti-free speech. Berkeley doesn’t like free speech.” Nah, I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is fine with free speech. We love freedom of expression. We’re anti-bullshit, all right? We’re not down with bullshit. [crowd applauding] We’re fans of free speech. We don’t have to agree with what you say or do. There’s a naked guy who, for years, just walked around Berkeley. Everybody’s like, “There’s the naked guy. Anyway…” And different people from different sides of the political aisle were fine with it. There’d be women in burqas with their kids going to school. “Honey, the naked guy needs to get to work. We have to get out of his way.” They’re not mad. He’s like, “I got to be naked in the park by 10:30!” Berkeley’s like, “As long as you don’t get any nakedness on me, have at it.” It’s kind of Berkeley’s thing. We’re not anti-free speech. We’re anti-bullshit, man, you know? And that’s why I hate the whole fake argument about free speech. No. You have the freedom of speech, but you don’t have the freedom of consequences from that speech. You understand what I’m saying? Yeah. -You can say whatever you want to say. -[crowd applauding] But if your free speech causes riots, you have to deal with the consequences. If everywhere you go, people riot after you speak, you gotta deal with that. If everywhere I did comedy, a riot broke out, we wouldn’t be here right now. [chuckles] We’d be on YouTube with this. [crowd laughing] There’d be less people here ’cause they wouldn’t want to get caught up in a riot! Yeah, it’s just ridiculous. I’ll give you an example, of being responsible for your free speech. For years, the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan used to travel the country giving speeches. Many people thought it was hate speech. What did the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan do? He traveled with security! So, when he gave a speech, the Fruit of Islam would be outside, warning people on the way in. They’d line the walls and be behind him on stage, so Minister Farrakhan felt safe, the audience felt safe, the surrounding community felt safe. He knew he had to deal with the consequences of his free speech. So, what I’m saying is, Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos, if you want to walk around spewing hate speech, then hire the Nation of Islam, that’s all I’m saying! [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. [applaud continues] That’s all I’m saying. And if you do, then please let me film it for my next TV shooooooow! I wouldn’t have to be in it. I would just put Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos in a 15-passenger van with the Nation of Islam. Just driving around the country. The sexual tension would be amaziiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] Every now and then I’d do a cameo and walk in, like, “Hey, Milo. Here’s some bacon. The Nation loves bacon. All right.” [crowd laughing] [Bell chuckles] [Bell sighs] Anyway, so, while we’re on the subject of white supremacy… Um… I mean, you brought it up, so let’s talk about it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] [sighs] President Donald Trump. Yeah. No– Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I get it. You’re not down. I get it. Yes, I understand. I mean, some of you are down. You got dragged here by somebody who’s, like, “You need to see Kamau.” There’re some uncles here, “Why do we have to go to this?” “You’ll see. You’ll see.” [crowd laughing] But, man… Don– The President Trump. There’s so many moments we could discuss. We don’t have time. I’m not doing four Dave Chappelle specials. -Um– [crowd laughing] I just have to do the highlights for me. Like, there’s moments where it’s like… Some of it is so crazy. It’s just washed under by the tidal wave of more things, so we don’t even focus on it, and we go, “Wait, what’s he saying here?” He did an interview a few months ago, and we all missed it. I caught it. He actually said to a newspaper, “Being president is harder than I thought it was going to be.” Yeah, no shit, man! [crowd laughing] You should see it from this angle, all right? It’s a disaster over here. It’s way harder to watch you be President than it is for you to be president. [crowd applauding] And he’s so competitive about nonsense. After the State of the Union, he tweeted that it was the most watched State of the Union, ever. And first of all, it wasn’t. There was one during the George W. Bush era that was more watched. Which makes sense ’cause, back then, TV wasn’t as good, you know? Guess we’ve got to watch this… It’s on every channel. There’s only three channels. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] It wasn’t the most watched State of Union, and on top of that… just ’cause people watch it doesn’t mean they like you. We watch it ’cause we need to know what you’re gonna say and how it affects our lives! ‘Cause maybe your big closure was “And that’s why I’m nuking North Korea, now.” Boom! Shit, I’d better get under the table. I think the nukes are coming in. Maybe you’re gonna hate a new group we didn’t know you were gonna hate. We have to go after the cantaloupe farmers. Er, what? Okay… [laughs] That’s why we watched it. Haven’t you heard of hate-watching? That’s what we’re doing as a nation. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] What are you talking about? And then, I mean, there’s so many tweets. I can’t go through all the tweets. But one of my favorites was in the wake of Charlottesville, and all the Nazi stuff that was going around America, he actually tweeted, [deep breath] “Our great country has been divided… for decades.” Yeah. All the decades. Like every single one. Ever since we started counting decades, it’s been divided for decades. At year ten, it was, like, “It’s been divided for one decade.” That’s how it works. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The moment, like, the fucking pilgrims landed and saw native people, they’re like, “This is so great. Kill all these people, bring in free labor, let’s make America great agaaaaaaain!” It’s been divided, yes. All the decades. But I think the worst thing about Trump… it’s not even just him, it’s the people who surround him. If there’s an argument against white supremacy, it’s that greasy sack of day-old white men who surround Donald Trump. [crowd laughing] A bunch of day-old white men. Not even the new fresh white men. Like a greasy sack of day-old white men. [crowd laughing] Every white man in the administration… It’s like a pile of mildewed driftwood, you understand? Can’t do shit with it. Can’t whittle it, can’t set it on fire. [crowd laughing] -[crowd laughing] -[Bell laughs loud] [crowd applauding] I love that you’re all, like, “That’s not that funny.” But it was really… quite a picture you painted there.” The administration is just a disaster, from any measure. Some of those white dudes don’t even stay round long enough for me to finish reading their Wikipedia pages. I was like, “Sebastian Gork– Oh, he’s gone. Okay, all right. Oh, Scaramucci, you’re gonna be– No, okay. All right, all right.” Let me close a couple of these windows. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And the people who defend him on television are, like, ”Is this the best you could do? These are the defenders? You couldn’t get better defenders than this?” One of my favorites. He’s not even on TV now. CNN had a guy named Jeffrey Lord. Yeah. I don’t even think his last name was Lord. I just think that’s what people say, after he talks. [shouts] ”Jeffrey– Lord! Oh… Jeffrey– Lord! Lord, Jeffrey, Lord. What are you saying, Jeffrey Lord? Lord, help me, Jeffrey Lord.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I think he lives next door to my mom. ”Jeffrey– Lord! Lord… Jeffrey, Lord.” Jeffrey Lord, one time, said, Donald Trump is the Martin Luther King Jr. of health care. [crowd laughing] I was like, “Jeffrey Lord, you are the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways. [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s just math. That’s just math. He was like, “That’s true, I am the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways.” And I mean, you know, I miss Spicey. Wasn’t he adorable? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s like… that’s how white supremacy works. White men get jobs they don’t want or ain’t qualified for, and get to keep them for a long time. He was like, “Sean, we have a job for you as press secretary.” “That’s great, I won’t have to talk in front of people, or there aren’t cameras around, and I’m not good at lying.” “Well, you get the job, anyway.” [crowd laughing] Just seeing him at the press conferences, like a cockroach on his back. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody pick him up and turn him over, so he can leave. [crowd laughing] Sean Spicer seems like he’s composed of the bare minimum amount of semen that it takes to make a human being. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. You know what I mean? Like, the bare minimum amount. Like the little… the egg was there and the sperm was just, like… [moans] [crowd laughing] And they were like, “Technically, that’s enough to make a human being. I don’t know that it’s going to amount to much, but we can try.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Just like a weak high-five that’s all fingers. Just… [crowd laughing] I guess this deal is sealed? We technically high-fived? [crowd laughing] Donald Trump Jr. seems like the sequel to the movie that shouldn’t have been made at all. He’s the Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo of humanity is all I’m saying. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody said, “Jesus!” Isn’t it accurate, though? Isn’t it accurate? Yeah, exactly I got two thumbs up. And even when things are clearly egregious, like, clearly, this is not how things should work at the highest levels of the presidency. This is not how we should be around this, this is clearly wrong. They still try to… defend him. And… they don’t actually take anything with the information and make it do anything. The whole thing with when he called Africa and, I think, El Salvador, and… [mutters] Haiti, and said they’re shithole countries. Shithole countries. And it happened. We all know it happened. It was immediately reported. It wasn’t like weeks or months later. And even Senator Dick Durbin, who’s a Democrat, was, like, “Where’s the cameras? He said ‘shithole countries’. He said ‘shithole countries.’ Yes. Is TMZ here? I’ll say it. He said ‘shithole countries’! Anybody on Instagram Live? I wanna tell them.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”Anybody still got Vine? I’ll do a five-second Vine. He said ‘shithole countries’. Was that five seconds? Okay, good.” You know… And even Lindsey Graham, who’s a Republican, even he admitted it. He ran out of a meeting to senator Tim Scott, his only black friend. “Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Donald Trump just said ‘shithole countries’ in a meeting! Go tell the other blacks, Tim! You have to tell the other blacks.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”What do you mean you’re not Tim? I don’t understand.” [crowd laughing and applauding] ”You have to be Tim. Tim, stop playing with me. Tim… Come on, Tim!” [crowd laughing and applauding] He’s like, “Dude, my name is Clarence. I’m on the Supreme Court. We’ve met many times. You do this every day.” The only… the only… the only…. person I like in the administration is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Oh, no, come on, everybody. No, she’s– Everybody in this room needs a friend like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Who will lie to your family’s [shouts] faces… and never blink. Just looking. ”Is he here?” [harsh voice] ”He’s not here.” [crowd laughing] -”I can see him behind you.” -”That’s not him.” [crowd laughing] -”Are we good?” -”Yeah, I guess so.” ”No, she says– I know he’s there, waving at us. But she…” And the frustrating thing… the most frustrating thing, for me, about the Trump era, or error, depending upon your pronunciation… is that… I still find myself in discussions with people who will still say they don’t think he’s a racist. White people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s like, “Okay.” She’s like, “People? Oh, white people. Oh, yeah. For a second…” It’s not just white people on the right. It’s white people across the spectrum. You go, “I think Donald Trump’s a racist.” They go, “I mean… [crowd laughing] ”He’s a bad guy, [changes voice] but I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean… I wouldn’t make him the head of BET, but I don’t know if you can call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t let him do the commencement at Morehouse, but I don’t know if you can call… [drunk voice] can call him a racist. I mean, it’s just… so many things… I wouldn’t have him host the NAACP Image Awards, but I wouldn’t call him a…” White people, when someone brings up Trump’s racism, why do you turn into that thing outside used car lots? [crowd laughing] [drunk voice] ”Oh, I don’t know… I wouldn’t have him make the collard greens for the family reunion, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t put him in charge of rebuilding Puerto Rico, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. Oops. I wouldn’t cast him in the reboot of Living Single as Overton, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t have him run the shea butter booth at Afropunk, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t have him do the bake sale at the Mumia Abu-Jamal fundraiser, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” I have hundreds of these… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Play along at home. It’s a fun game. [crowd applauding] ”I wouldn’t buy him a pair of Stacy Adams shoes, but I wouldn’t…” I have so many. ”I wouldn’t cast him as Madea, but I don’t know.” I can’t stop. I can’t stop doing it, I can’t stop. I hope some black people are like, “I can come up with some, too!” This is a fun way to go through the next… three years. -[crowd laughing] [chuckles] So, white people, let’s be clear. Yes! He’s a racist. 100%. It’s provable. [crowd applauding] It’s provable. You can google it right now. [continuous applauding] If you google “Is Donald Trump a racist?” Google’s, like, “How much time you got?” That’s how it works. He’s a racist. I mean, you don’t have to even go… [exhales] Like, the first time he ever appeared, in print, it was in The New York Times in 1973. And it was ’cause he was a landlord who would not rent his apartments to people of color. That’s the first time, in 1973. And he was investigated by the Department of Justice. Let’s be clear about this. In 1973, the Department of Justice was run by the Nixon Administration! The Nixon Administration started the War on Drugs that targeted people of color, yet they were, like, “This is racist… This is… Nah, this is like extra racist. Give it a fun name like the War on Black People Living Indoors, but this…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] There’s other examples. Central Park Five! Yeah, you know about that, yeah. He took out full-page newspaper ads saying, “Bring back the death penalty… to… to…” ‘Cause he wanted to kill these five men of color… who were accused of sexually assaulting a white woman, and they didn’t do it! They all went to prison. They all spent a lot of time there. They didn’t do it. He took out full-page ads calling for the death penalty. And he never apologized for it. Nobody pushes him about it. Nobody brings it up. Yes, he’s a racist. Yeah! [crowd applauding] What’s that other thing? Birtherism! ”I don’t know if this black guy was born in America. I think he’s from Kenya. He was born in Hawaii. Like I said, he wasn’t born in America.” Oh, God… And, like I said, white people go, “I don’t know.” After all that, [drunk voice] “I don’t know if you can call him a racist…” I don’t know. Some white man, on Twitter, tweeted this out. He had a blue check mark, so he was an actual white man. [crowd laughing] Not a Russian bot man, an actual white man. He tweeted out a picture of Donald Trump talking to a black man. And he goes, “Look how close Donald is standing to this black man. A racist would never do that.” [shouts] That’s not how racism wooooorks! It’s never been about proximity. Literally never! [crowd laughing] How would they have gotten black people on the boats in Africa? [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] ”I can’t be close to you because I want you to know I’m definitely a racist.” [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] It’s not about how close you are to a black person. Thomas Jefferson was real close to black people, you know? [crowd laughing] You know what I’m saying, sister. You know it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] What are you talking about? You gotta get real close to black people to lynch them. Is this thing on? Is this thing on? [drunk voice] ”I don’t know, I mean, that all sounds bad… But I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean…” [pants] ”I wouldn’t have him make an album of Grace Jones covers, but I don’t know if you could call him a racist.” That was way funnier than everybody else gave credit for. ”With the hi-top? Donald Trump? Yeah.” [grunts] We’ll meet afterwards at the black people meeting. [crowd laughing] Fine, I can prove he’s a racist much easier than all that stuff. Donald Trump appointed as the attorney general for the United States of America a man named Jeff Sessions. Yes, yes, we’re all in agreement there. Jeff Sessions was once found to be too racist… to be a judge… [shouts hard] in Alabama! [crowd laughing] Alabama! Alabama! Alabama! And this wasn’t in the ’50s or ’60s, it was in the 1980s! There’s black people on TV getting adopted by white people every day! Diff’rent Strokes. Webster. [crowd laughing] He’s like, “Turn on The Dukes of Hazzard.” That’s how he is! And look, I’m not even trying to make fun of Alabama when I say that. My dad lives in Alabama. I go to Alabama two, three times a year with my family. I love Alabama. But I also know that Alabama is still, in large part… Alabama, you know what I mean? There’s black people walking around, going, “Are we free? I heard we’re free. Somebody said we’re free. I got an alert on my phone that says black people are free. We’re not free? Okay. ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot  ♪ ♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪ You’re sure? Okay.” ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot  ♪ Clearly I don’t know anything about slavery. I’m shoveling the cotton, I guess. [crowd laughing] I want to thank my ancestors who fought hard for me not to know shit about how to pick cotton. Thank you, dead black people. Thank you. -[crowd applauding] I don’t know. The thing that hits me when I think about all the stuff that Trump is doing, it’s not just racism. It’s sexism, and transphobia, and homophobia, and ableism. You know what? It’s that it just makes me miss Barack Obama. [sobs] I just… [crowd cheering and applauding] [sobs] I just, like… Oh, give me a minute. Like a lot of people, I didn’t agree with everything Barack Obama did. There’s things he did I didn’t agree with. But he was, what’s called… a grown-up? [crowd laughing] I always feel sorry for Barack Obama. On the one hand, he was the president, which means, automatically, he sucked. Yeah. Thank you, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, and of course you know, yeah. Every president sucks. Some presidents just suck worse than others. Our job in a democracy is to push every president to be better than they even think they can be. That’s our job. We’re like parents where the kid’s, like, “I got an ‘A-plus.'” And you’re like, “Is that all you got? You couldn’t do better?” -“No, it’s impossible!” -“I’m still disappointed.” That’s how it works in a democracy. Now, admittedly, not every president is bringing us “A-pluses.” We got a guy, right now, who’s bringing us “U-minuses.” You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] He’s got the paper upside down, going, “I got a lowercase ‘N.'” He’s excited about a lowercase N. But, yeah, our job is to push presidents to be better, no matter how good we already think they are, you know? The problem with the presidency is the way we even talk about the presidency. The way we let the white men, who traditionally win, talk about it. They talk about it like you win the presidency. Then when they win the presidency, they want to be treated like pageant winners. They want us to be like, “Yay, you won!” [sobs] No! [crowd laughing] No, you don’t win the presidency. We all know how it works. We’re smart people. You buy the presidency. You put a bid on the presidency, and you wait to see if your bid gets taken. You don’t even have to put much money in. They take your bid. And buying the presidency is like buying anything. It’s like… it’s not new. It’s new to you. It’s like buying a used car off the internet. Whatever was wrong with the car before, it’s your problem now. And as we all know, Barack Obama bought the American car, from George W. Bush, who left the American car stuck on the highway… facing the wrong direction… in the fast lane… with bald tires and no steering wheel… and for the first three years, Dick Cheney wouldn’t get out of the back seat. [crowd laughing] ”Go to the right! Go to the right! Go to the right!” ”That’s a circle.” ”I’ll waterboard youuuuuuuuu!” ”That’s illegal.” ”I’ll shoot you in the face and make you apologize to meeeee!” And he did that shit. Barack was in a unique position ’cause normally in that moment, when the president is having a problem, they’re supposed to get help from co-workers. And he turned to his co-workers, “Hey, senators, can you help me push the car out of the lane?” [shouts] ”Show us your birth certificate!” ”Okay. Congress, can you help?” ”Show us your long-form birth certificate!” Barack Obama was like, “Shoot. I’m sorry, Michelle. Can you help me push this car?” “I got you, boo. Arghhhhhhhhhh!” [crowd cheering and applauding] Yeah. Yeah. You’ve seen those guns. [crowd continues to applaud] Yeah. If I’m honest, I miss Michelle most of all [sobs]. [Crowd wowing and applauding] Every day, #BlackGirlMagic just spilling out of the White House. [crowd laughing] [chuckles] It’s so amazing. I kind of wish Michelle still had a job in the White House. Every day, when Trump came home from his two hours of hard work… she would stand in the doorway, going… [tut-tuts] [crowd laughing] Look at this motherfucker over here. [tut-tuts] Really? [crowd laughing] Part of the job description of president is that you suck. But then, on the other hand, Barack Obama got all that criticism that no one else got in the history of the American presidency. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. You’d see those squirrelly white people on TV. [shouts] Barack Obama’s a leftist, socialist, militant Muslim! Every time I heard that shit, I was like, “Man, I wish! Okay?” Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I wish! That would have been amaziiiiiing! I don’t know if you can be all those things together, but I would have loved to see the Negro tryyyyy! I think some cancel each other out, but go, Negro, go! [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I’m getting so excited, I’m getting a bit of an erection thinking about it now. Mm. Shake it off. Shake it off. Oh, my God, that’d be so exciting! The press conferences, alone, would be pay-per-view! All he wears is baby-blue turtle necks and dashikiiiiiiiiis. Long black leather jackets. Bullet belts like you see from the movies. Got a rifle on his back at all times. Big nappy afro, black beret tilted off to the side. Never wears pants. Oh, he does lean to the left, yeah. There’s a wicker chair in the Oval Office. He’s always standing between a Black Panther and an actual black panther… [snarls] [crowd laughing] …while they play the movie The Black Panther on a loop in the background. [laughs] Press conferences are as short as shit. Walks up to the microphone, looks round angry, Black power fist, walks away. And they play the blackest song in the history of all time. The theme from Sanford and Son. [humming] [crowd laughing] [continues humming] Can’t get blacker than Redd Foxx and Quincy Jones. Unless Beyoncé wants to jump on. You know what I’m talking about. [chuckles] That’s a black president even black people could be afraid of, yes. Even the ghost of Malcolm X would be, like, “Not by those means. That is completely unnecessary.” That’s not the Negro we had. [crowd laughing] And the truth is that… when Trump won, I wasn’t that surprised. I know it caught people off guard, but I travel around this country a lot. I see a lot of different parts of this country. I can see that one of the problems of this country, or one of the challenges, is that we all live in our communities. Some of us love our communities so much, we start to think that everybody else should live like we live and if they’re not, they’re doing America wrong. The great thing about traveling is I get to hear things, and meet people, and experience things I never would have, that to me sound weird, and I don’t know where to classify them. But then I realize it’s not really about me. It’s fine. But it opens up my ideas of what this country is. We have to expand our idea of what an American is so we don’t think other people are doing America wrong when they’re just doing it differently than us. All right? Yeah. It’s true of people on the left, too. Not just the right. [crowd applauding] And I learned that lesson specifically. You got to expand your ideas. You don’t know what you might hear. I had a gig in Garden City, Kansas. Yeah. Somebody’s like, “Oh.” [chuckles] Somebody’s like, “Uh-oh. This won’t end well.” So, Garden City, Kansas, is one of those places that you can’t fly directly there. It’s, like, two or three planes, then you go to the airport and there’s another plane, but on a different airline that you didn’t sign up for. You been to those places? I got to St. Louis airport, I’m like, “I’m here for my flight to Garden City, Kansas.” They’re like, “It’s down there.” I start walking to a part of the airport… where there’s, like, dark… The overhead lights are, like… [imitates electricity crackling] And I get to the counter and it’s like… Joe’s Air Conditioners and Flights. You’re like, “Whoa! Did you start out selling air conditioners then add flights to sell more of them?” There was, like, an old-school hotel bell. Ding! The guy walks out of the back, like, “Hey, what’s up, man?” I’m, like, “I’m going to Garden City, Kansas.” He’s like, “Okay.” He’s doing my ticket, and he goes, “Oh, before we get any further, I need to ask you question. How much do you weigh?” [crowd laughing] Like, why are you asking me that? He’s like, “‘We need to know how much so we can figure out the weight distribution on the plane.” I was like, “How much do I weigh?” [crowd laughing] ”Not enough to go to Garden City, Kansas.” How much do I weigh? Here’s the thing. I’m a man. A heterosexual… cisgender… Dad man. Nobody gives a shit how much I weigh, all right? It never comes up. No, I have no fucking idea how much I weigh. [crowd laughing] I’m a heterosexual, cisgendered, Dad man. I weigh perfect, okay? You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I look beautiful, no matter what you say. Words can’t bring me down. [chuckles] I’m like, I’ve no idea how much I weigh. I was standing at the counter, like, “Um… Let’s see, I was, like…” [deep breaths] ”170 in high school? Maybe I’m like 175 now? I mean, I like a midnight burrito, every now and again, so 176. Let’s just round up to 180, just for the sake of argument.” [chuckles] I didn’t say that… ’cause I wanted to survive the flight, so… I was like, “I got to pick an amount that I think at least covers me?” I was, like, “750 pounds.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] ”Why are we bringing math into this anyway? Shouldn’t you have figured it out before I got to the airport? What are you doing? Just fill her up, okay? Just put all the gas you can into the gas tank, until it spills out, then put the cap on real quick. I’ll carry gas in my lap if that helps. I’d rather crawl out on the fucking airplane and put a thing back in the…” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I had my backpack, and I’m about to get on the plane. He goes, “You can’t take your backpack on the plane, ’cause that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I was like, “Okay. Let me just take my laptop out so I can watch a movie before I die.” And the guy goes, “No, that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I’m like, “It’s a MacBook Air…” ”Can’t do it.” So I give him my laptop. And I get on the plane, singing to myself. ♪ Long long time ago ♪ ♪ I can still remember ♪ ♪ How that comic used to make me smile ♪ ♪ But February made me shiver ♪ ♪ With every punchline he delivered ♪ ♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪ ♪ I couldn’t take one more step ♪ ♪ I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed white bride ♪ ♪ But something touched me ♪ ♪ Deep inside ♪ ♪ The day ♪ ♪ The NAACP Image Award-nominated comedian ♪ ♪ Died ♪ [crowd wowing] ♪ And we were singing… ♪ [crowd singing] ♪ Bye-bye, Miss American Pie ♪ ♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee But the levee was dry ♪ ♪ Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye ♪ ♪ Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die ♪ ♪ This’ll be the day that I die… ♪ [shouts] Yeeeeeaaaaaah! No one knew that was gonna happen. No one knew that shit was going down. Some of you are like, “I haven’t felt this good since the election!” Who knew we just needed an “American Pie” sing-along? The white people are, like, “My spine is back! My spine is back! [shouts] Donald Trump’s a raciiiiiiist!” [crowd laughing] Felt good, huh? Meanwhile, all the black people are like, “What the fuck is this?” ”Nah, Negro. Nah. Nah. I knew this was one of those private school Negroes. I knew this shit.” [crowd laughing] [chuckles] So I get to Garden City, Kansas. Yeah, we’re still there. It’s like… This is gonna go for a while. This is like R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I get to Garden City, Kansas. I do the gig. It goes fine. After the gig, I’m in, like, a school cafeteria… and I get some tea… and I’m looking for some sugar to put in my tea. But I couldn’t find any sugar. And all of a sudden, I see the oatmeal station. I see there’s brown sugar, so I go, “I’ll put brown sugar in my tea.” I walk over to the oatmeal station, and I put some brown sugar in my tea, and at that moment, this little old white lady sees me doing it. And she walks over to me. You hear things, in small towns, I don’t even know how to react. She walks over, and she goes, “Excuse me. Are you putting brown sugar in your coffee?” I was like, “No, my tea.” She goes, “Whoo! ‘Cause if you had been, then I’d think to myself, ‘Now I’ve seen everything!'” [crowd laughing] [shouts] Nooooooooooo! Here’s the thing about that. If that’s your response to me putting brown sugar in my coffee, I know one of two things is true. Either you’ve seen everything. Or, more likely, you’ve seen… [shouts] nothing! Not a goddamn thing. You are living Groundhog Day every day of your life… You wake up, go to work, come home and watch that Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy back-to-back that’s been on for 30 years. Then you immediately go, “Night, night.” [snores] You’ve never seen primetime television. Now I’ve seen everything? From me putting… I was like… I was a little sad I wasn’t actually putting brown sugar in my coffee. What would her reaction have been like then? Like, maybe she’s seen everything… and this is the last thing she needs to see before she dies. Like she’s got a bucket list, and it’s all filled out, and she’s ready to die, but she needs to see one more thing. Maybe she’s like, [harsh voice] “I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. I was at Stonewall with my LGBTQ brothers and sisters fighting the cops. I was organizing with the migrant farm workers in Mexico. I was with Che Guevara when I said, ‘Keep wearing the hat. It looks cute.”’ [crowd laughing] ”I was in Silicon Valley with Steve Jobs. I said, ‘I don’t give a shit what you call it. Call it Apple. I’m hungry, Steve.’ I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. But the one thing I’ve never seen… is a random black guy… putting brown sugar… in his coffeeeee! I just want to diiiiiiie. I can’t wait much longer. But I was cursed as a young girl. I’m 172 years old.” [gasps] ”I see a black guy! With a coffee cup. He’s putting brown sugar in it. Lord Jesus, thank you! I’ve been a faithful servant. Excuse me, black man. Are you putting brown sugar…” [deep breath] ”in your coffee?” ”Nah, it’s my tea.” [shouts] Damn it! I want to shuffle off this mortal coil! Disappointeeeeeeed! The next day in Garden City, Kansas– No, I’m just kidding! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It just keeps going! So, yeah… There’s a lot of different people in this country with different ideas. Some of those ideas we need to fight back against when they’re wrong or hurting people, but some are just different. You know. And the amazing thing about having my kids, my daughters, is I’m starting to see the world through their eyes, which is different to mine, ’cause they’re people living a different experience as mixed-race/black kids. Thank you, white people, for that. They have this two-identity thing, so I don’t have all the answers for them, and my wife who’s white doesn’t have answers so we learn through their eyes. You know? And it’s sort of interesting, because Sami is darker than Juno… and I didn’t realize how that was affecting them. Until one day I was talking to my daughters, I was like, “Hey, we’re all black people.” That’s how we talk in my house. “We’re all black people.” Their mom wasn’t in the room at the time. I was like, “Hold on a second. We’re all black people.” And my daughter Sami… at that moment, looks at me and goes… and points at her sister… [crowd laughing] She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings! She’s going to find out she’s white some day!” I realized we’ve totally flipped the whole white supremacy thing in my house! In my house, black is good, and white’s the bad thing to be! She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings. She’s gonna find out she’s white.” And as much as I knew that that was not correct… I was also too busy laughing. [crowd laughing] And looking for a pen to write it down, you know? In that space when I was laughing and looking for a pen, suddenly Sami brightened up and goes, “Wait, I just realized something. In our house, we have two blacks and two whites.” Are you thinking about a potential race riot? What are you doing? Yes, Donald Trump might bring around the actual race riot, but it’s not gonna affect our house! Think we’re going to split up into teams at our house? ”Blacks on that side. Whites on this side. Let’s do this!” Like we would also? I gotta be honest, if we did have to have that kind of fight in the house, I love Sami. She’s tough, but I want my three-year-old daughter Juno. If you’re in a fight, you want a three-year-old with you ’cause they don’t play fair, and Juno… Three-year-olds have that thing where they have all their physical capabilities, but the brain hasn’t caught up with their bodies, so they can’t get the words out. They’re kind of like teeny-tiny Hulks, you know? [roars] So that’s who I want on my side if we’re breaking into fight teams in the house. Juno, she’s adorable and sweet, but sometimes she just gets mad. Like, she actually takes swings at people! You know what I mean? Like, she regularly will take a swing at me. Again, I’d like to parent them over it, but it’s also kind of adorable and hilarious! One time, she took a swing at me, I go, “Okay, wait a minute, Juno. What’s your best-case scenario for this? What’s your best case? Let’s say you hit me in my thigh. Somehow that hits a fresh point and you knock me the fuck out. I’m just out. Then what happens? You eat all the bananas you can reach, then what happens?” She looked me in the eye and said, “I figure out.” [crowd laughing and applauding] [chuckles] Yeah. It’s tough. And so now the thing is, we’ve had to teach her that she’s got to be careful. ‘Cause we actually got our first note home from her school. Apparently, there was a disturbance over a toy. Her and a little boy fought over the toy. The note said she hit the boy, and she actually scratched him with her fingernails. It’s moments like that, you find out a lot about who you are as a parent. ‘Cause in that moment, I turned to Juno and I said, “Juno, we gotta cut your fingernails ’cause… Don’t do the crime and the time, Juno! That’s…” I think that’s how that expression goes. Yeah, I wasn’t really mad at her for hitting a kid. I learned from my mom. You don’t take the state’s side against your child. [crowd laughing] So now we have a rule that Juno is not allowed to hit anybody… but me. The point being, I don’t want her walking round hitting people, but also, as a future lady, I want her to know how to throw a punch. You see what I’m saying? I don’t want the first time she needs to throw a punch to be the first time she throws a punch. At some point, she’ll be like, “I know I’m not supposed to hit people, but… wallaaaaaa” [shouts] The great thing is, because she’s hitting me, she’s really getting her core strength up, ’cause I’m huge, like 180, 182 pounds. [crowd laughing] Yeah, so she’s really working her core! You know? Like some What’s Love Got To Do With It Angela Bassett-era, you know? [chuckles] I think that’s great. One time she’ll have to hit a dude. “What did you say? Wallaaaaaa” [shouts] Like Flawless Victory. Finish him! So, I realized that… Juno being lighter, the world does not always see us as being connected. ‘Cause she looks white to white people. Not to black people. They’re like, “I see that hair and that nose, that’s one of us there.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s got a little extra kink to it. But when we walk around the world together, just the two of us, the world doesn’t always see us as being connected, you know? The thing with Juno, like I said, she’s a little… [grunts] But she also likes to run. Sometimes she’ll be like, “Dada, can I run?” Yeah, so she goes… [grunts] Like LeBron on the fast break. I let her run, especially when we go to airports ’cause I want her to get the wiggles out before the flight. So, she’ll take off running, and she’ll run full-on. She doesn’t get out of people’s way. You get out of her way, and I love it. As a young woman, she should make the world bend to her, instead of bending to them. You know what I’m saying? Just keep running… They’ll figure it out. [crowd applauding] The funny thing is in airports, she’ll be 20, 30 feet away from me and people are like, “There’s this little white baby running…” and they look up for the kid’s parents… but they’ll see me, and they don’t see me as a parent. They’re like, “Black man, move! I’m looking for her parents! You can’t be the parent. You’re a different shade! That’s how parenting works all the time! Move, black man!” And ’cause I’m a comedian, I’m like, “Oh, my God, yes! Let me help you find this child’s parents. Is this an amber alert? Is that how this works? I don’t know! Do we text Amber? I don’t know what to do!” [crowd laughing] People don’t like that joke. “That’s cruel to do to your daughter.” Look, she doesn’t get that far away. And nobody ever gets that involved. They’re at the airport, they’re like, “Maybe she’s late for a baby flight.” [crowd laughing] I mean, babies fly for free in the overhead on Spirit Airlines. I don’t know how it works. [laughs] So one time we’re in the airport and she takes off running. Like 20, 30 feet ahead of me, she turns a corner, so I gotta catch up. I turn the corner, and she’s found this toy store in the airport. And this toy store has these huge inflatable Mickey Mouses. Like, they’re just huge! And she sees them, and she grabs, like, five of them. She sets them on the ground in a semicircle and sits across from them, like, [shouts] “Airport tea party!” Which I didn’t know was a thing. Airport tea party. She does that and this woman who works at the toy store goes, “No! No! No!” And starts snatching the Mickey Mouses from her, like started pulling them. I was like, “What are you doing, lady?” First, nobody talks to my kid that way. You don’t know my kid and how I parent. We don’t talk to our kid that way. You can’t just yell at my kid. Second, it’s a toy store in the airport. You expect no one’a gonna touch this shit? Third, you may not realize, but my girl is black and mixed race. Black women take the shit end of the stick a lot in this country. So I don’t need you teaching her that at age three, okay? Nah. you can’t just be yelling at her. That’s not how it works, you can’t– No. And fourth… you just fucked up a sale. I almost bought five Mickey Mouses, you understand what I’m saying? Five overpriced airport– I would have bought six, three for each, so they wouldn’t fight over them. I almost headed back to the gate with six huge bags. “Hi, Emma. I bought six inflatable Mickey Mouses. Juno kind of liked them for a second. No, she doesn’t like them now, but we have all six of them. Yeah, we have to leave the luggage here in the Denver airport, I’m sorry. We gotta get these home.” So, lady, you just fucked up a sale. You just fucked up a huge sale. And, you know… But I was, like… in that moment, and my mom had moments like this with me, so I remember these moments, moments when the outside world gets in the way of your family… and you figure out how to defend your family and let your family know that you’re on their side no matter what happens. You know, and I realized in that moment that I had to defend her, but I also had to do what I’m trying to do in 2018. When racism happens to me… Historically, people of color just hold it. This is true of all the hates. Like transphobia, like homophobia, like ableism. You just hold it, and you have to take it home. But in 2018, I’m playing hot potato. I just toss it right back. Nope! I’m out of time. I’m out of time. [crowd applauding] You tell the story. So I realize I have to defend her, and also toss the racism back to this lady. I look down at my beautiful daughter Juno. “It’s okay, Juno, we have to go, because apparently… [shouts] they don’t serve black people here!” [humming Sanford and Son theme] Thank you, everybody! ♪ Long long time ago ♪ Thank you. [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. [crowd continue cheering and applauding] Sir, I feel like I’m looking into my future. How am I doing in the future? It looks like I’m doing all right. It looks like I’m doing all right. [chuckles] I like those gloves. I’m gonna start wearing those gloves.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-the-tennessee-kid-transcript/

Please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze. We’re doing it. This is it. This is, you know, it’s something. -Uh… Thank you, guys, for coming out. I appreciate it. Uh… I’m very excited. I tried to, uh… I’m always trying to lose weight, and then you think, “I’ll tape a special. That will, you know… That’ll do it.” And then you just kind of… Next thing you know, it’s already started, so… I… I had a thing that happened that I do, where it’s like, “I gotta get it together.” Like, I… I like to golf, and so I tend to bring clubs and I’ll golf on the road. And so I was in Florida, and we go golfing. It’s very hot, humid, gross. You get kind of feeling gross. So I wanted to change shirts before I drove back, and I go to the trunk of my car, and I take my shirt off. Standing there, no shirt, and this old man walks up and goes, “Olivia?” I had to turn. I was like, “I’m sorry, what’d you just say? I’m sorry.” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, honest mistake.” And I was like, “I don’t know. Uh…” He was looking for his elderly wife, and saw… me with no shirt on, and thought that could be Olivia, at a car that he does not recognize. None of this is making him not… He’s like, “I don’t know, that’s a dead ringer for Olivia.” I don’t know who he disrespected more, me or Olivia, to be honest. I mean… we could both have a word with him. I travel, uh, all the time, and if I… if I fly… if I fly Delta, if I buy a ticket through Delta’s system, my name in their system is Nathan. And on my license, my name is Nathaniel. I do not remember making this decision. It’s a big deal. You can’t just change it. I’ve tried. I’ve asked Delta if they could change it, and they’re like, “We can’t change it.” And you’re like, “Then I don’t know. I don’t know where we go from here,” you know? If you can’t do it, who can do it? I mean… Do you call… Is that why people call senators? Do they do it? ‘Cause I don’t know… What you have to do, you have to mail your birth certificate in. Some moms give their children their birth certificates. I’ve never received mine. I thought I was the proof of my birth. And you gotta mail it in. I’ve never been a big mailing-in guy. I’ve mailed… maybe four letters my entire life. I’ve just never done it. Stamps make me nervous. Because I don’t know how many you’re supposed to put on. Like… Where they’re gonna be like, “You should put one more on.” Uh… And they change the price of stamps, and that’s not in the news, you know? You don’t find that out on Twitter. You have to find out from old people. They’re the only people that know. They keep up with it. They’ll be like, “Stamps went up.” You’re like, “Okay. Uh… All right. Is it $100?” Like, they’re furious. “Is it $100 a stamp?” “It’s three more pennies.” So… I will never go through that process to get my name changed. I just deal with it. And… it gets brought up. Once, I was checking a bag, and the guy behind the counter, he sees my ticket says “Nathan,” the license says “Nathaniel,” and he was like… “This is not good.” He goes, “These names don’t match.” And I was like, “But they match, right? Like… You can see the leap that we took to get from one to the other.” He was like, “But they’re not the same.” I was like, “They’re the same.” And… I’m realizing he cannot find out people call me Nate at that point, because… I mean, he can’t handle that. He’s gonna call the police over to be like, “There’s a guy with three names trying to fly right here, if you guys wanna just shoot him from over there or something.” I was like, “What do you want me to do?” And he goes, “You should go home.” That’s, like, honest, he’s like… “I can’t believe you’ve made it this far.” I was like, “Let me just try it. You know? Shouldn’t I try it?” I said, “Look, I’ll give you that those names don’t match. But what I think is gonna help a ton is the picture on the ID. Something that I’ve always loved that they did, and I think… with 70 percent of that name matching, and 100 percent face… That’s 100 and 70 percent. I think I’ll get through.” And this is what he told me. This is honestly what he said. He goes, uh… He goes, “Look, man, I get it. All right?” He was trying to relate to me, and he was like, “My name’s Joseph. That’s what’s on my license. So I can’t buy a ticket under my nickname, ‘Bart.’ They’re not gonna let me through.” And he said it like, “Right? You know? Does that makes sense?” And I was like, “That doesn’t at all. Those are two different names. All right?” I should be over there, and you should be over here, because that’s how you’re treating me. Like I’m a Joseph Bart. I made it through. And on that trip, uh, I was going to Seattle. And if you’ve ever been to Seattle, uh, Mount Rainier is near Seattle, that’s what they call it, and… I don’t… That’s… I don’t know if that’s true. Just so y’all… Uh… It felt like y’all took that like, “Yeah.” -Uh… So… We were going out to Mt. Rainier, and I was with a buddy of mine. And Mt. Rainier is the… It’s the third biggest mountain in America. It’s a good one to go to. I don’t know who number one or number two is, but maybe one day, it’ll be number one, you know? Do mountains keep growing? I don’t think we know that yet. So it’s a good time to see it. It doesn’t have the attitude of a one or a two. So, me and my buddy, we rented a car. He’s driving. On the way out there, I see a dead horse… just laid out in this guy’s yard. I’ve never seen that before, and I was like, “Man, I bet you don’t think about that when you buy a horse… it dying.” You know, what do you do? That’s a huge thing dying in your yard. You can’t just scoot it off into the woods with your foot, and try to get another one that matches before the kids come home. You have to tell your wife to keep the kids away for a month. You gotta google “how to move a dead horse.” You gotta probably try to get another horse to help you do it, and that’s not easy. That’s what the blinders were invented for, ’cause it’s like, “Just look ahead. Don’t worry about what’s going on. No, look!” Or you gotta get your friends to help you, and you can’t spill the beans too quick on that. You think it’s hard for them to help you move a couch, try a dead horse. You gotta lie to them. Like, “We’re getting a divorce. Just come over. Bring your truck and some gloves.” When they get there, let me tell you, they’re gonna see it, all right? Everybody saw it. It was next to the road. And they’re gonna pull into that driveway and just be like, “I don’t think they’re getting a divorce at all. I think we’re here to move that dead horse is what I think. Let’s let him bring it up. All right, make him ask. But I’ll be shocked if we don’t touch that dead horse today.” And if you ever have to move a dead horse, I’ve thought a lot about all this. You want to be the first one to the horse. All right? You don’t want someone else to tell you where to grab a dead horse. So you run out there, like you love it, like, you’re like, “This what I hoped it was,” and… get to the hoofs in the front, and be like, “All right, I’m here. You guys decide where you guys want to be.” So, now we’re basically at Mount Rainier. That was the whole car ride, and… if you ever go, just so you know, uh, you have to pay to go up it. It’s not a free mountain. Someone bought it, and they’re charging tickets. It’s also all uphill. It’s a nightmare. So, be ready for those things. We drive up, we park, and we’re walking up the trail. So, we’re going up it. Halfway, I mean, I can barely breathe. And this couple’s coming down, so I stopped them. I was like, “Hey, is this enough? Where we’re at, you know? Is this, like, you get it. Like, we’re not trying to live on this mountain.” And the lady goes, “I’m 75 years old, and I did it.” And I was like, “Maybe that’s why you didn’t hear the question that I asked.” Everybody’s pretty cocky on the way down, I mean… There was women with babies, three-month-old babies strapped to their chest. I was like, “Why would you bring that much weight with you? I left my wallet in the car.” -They looked exhausted. I’m surprised there’s not just babies left up there and rangers have to come down, “Whose baby is this?” “That’s ours. We were gonna let it grow up and come down on its own.” So, we get our picture, and we come back down, and we’re driving back. And on the way back, since my buddy was driving, he did not see the dead horse, you know? And I’m like, “We can’t not see it.” So, it’s just one road, and I was like, “I’ll just show you where it’s at.” So we get… We’re driving, and we get to it. I was like, “It’s right here,” and I pointed, and the horse was standing up, doing unbelievable. One of the healthier horses that I’ve ever seen. So I learned that horses lay down to sleep. I did not know that. I don’t know what I thought before that day. I don’t know. That they lock their knees, that’s why they have four knees. I don’t know, that’s what I… I would have probably argued with you about it. People put signs up that say, like, “Horses lay down. Don’t call 911,” ’cause people call the police. They drive by a horse laying down in some guy’s yard, and they’re like, “Y’all guys should go, like, deal with that.” And they’re like… Some people knock on people’s door. “Hey, is your dad home? Your horse died outside. I thought you should hear it from a stranger first.” Uh… I’m, uh… I’m married. I’m still married. -And I– Thanks, yeah. I, uh… I like to say it. You know, like I’m at the same job. Just like, “Yeah, no, I still work there. -Uh… Yeah, right out of school. Only job I applied for.” -Uh… My wife will tell me that… She always says that I don’t like the way she talks, and it’s not her voice. I like the sound of her voice. That’d be a big problem, I think, if it was like, “It’s your voice. I just hate it.” To go to couples’ therapy, and be like, “Can you hear it? Right?” -Like, it’s not– You know? It’s not fun. It’s the information that she chooses to tell me at times. We took a trip to Florida, to Fort Lauderdale, and her and our daughter are flying from Nashville where we live, and I’m flying from Detroit. We’re meeting at Fort Lauderdale’s airport. I have to find them when they land. So I called her, ’cause I was about to take off, and I was like, “What time do you guys leave?” She goes, “Noon.” And it was 11:30, and they’re still at home. I was like, “Laura, I don’t know if you even know what an airport is. But if that plane was in our driveway, I don’t think you could make it.” She said, “That’s what time we leave for the airport. Our flight’s not till 1:30.” And I was like, “All right. All right. So, what do you think I wanted to know when I asked that? Is that what you thought the best time you could give me was a time that means nothing to nobody? What time did you go to bed last night? Just tell me that and I’ll just look up all the planes that land in Florida, and I’ll guess which one I think you’re on.” She said, “I’m sorry I don’t talk the way you want me to talk.” I’m like, “I want you to talk like a regular person, all right? Like you’ve been around people before, you know?” We didn’t talk in Florida, I’ll tell you that. Uh… She’s good at not talking to me. She can go a long time. She could do her whole marriage career. We… Marriage fights are great, because they’re all very dumb. I would say 90 percent of them are dumb, ten percent the cops show up, but… We got in a fight, uh, once, over chocolate milk. We didn’t talk for 24 hours. What happened is, I brought chocolate milk home, and she was like, “Why did you bring it home?” And I was like, “You’re supposed to drink it after you workout.” And she was like, “That’s not true.” And I was like, “Well, there’s a commercial on TV. They probably looked into it more than you did, so… I decided to listen to them.” And she said. “That’s just the milk people pushing chocolate milk.” And I was like, “You don’t even know what that statement means. You don’t know if there’s milk people, and I think chocolate milk is doing fine. I don’t think they’re sitting on barrels of it, and they’re like, ‘We got to make up a lie. We gotta get rid of this chocolate milk!'” She went to college, all right, and I did not, but she did not study chocolate milk, when is it good and not good for you. To be fair to her, though, I do not work out. So… You know? But I was probably gonna start, and I needed to get all the stuff there. Do you ever get in those fights? Like, you’ll be at home, you and your spouse, and you guys are not talking to each other, and… But you’re in the house together, no kids, the house is quiet, and you just stay on opposite ends, and then you pass each other in the hallway. That’s the funniest part, ’cause you don’t live in a mansion. You have one hallway. And you just didn’t time it out right, and you just have to walk by each other like strangers. You’re like, “Oh, excuse me. Sorry. Yeah, no, go ahead.” She’ll be watching TV, I’m like, “Ma’am, are you watching this? I couldn’t tell, I was going to change it if you weren’t watching it.” It’s the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a very common thing. Everybody knows what it is. Uh, I think women are just born knowing it. I don’t think you’re taught it. I don’t think it’s like, “My mom did it, and her mom…” It’s an instinct that’s in us all, that we all just know. And here’s what made me, uh, think of that. I re-watched the movie Sixth Sense, and I’m not trying to do a six-inch joke. This is a 20-year-old movie. I also have to spoil it, but it’s… I mean, it’s 20 years old. So, if… If you don’t know by now, I don’t know what to tell you, you know? And don’t be like, “We were gonna watch it tonight. Uh… We were gonna go to Blockbuster on the way home, and… -What?” There’s… But… So he’s… You know, he’s dead the whole time, and I don’t know. I mean, that’s… If you haven’t seen it, that’s a pretty big part of it, but… for those that have, think about when you watched it. When we saw this movie for the first time, none of us knew he was dead. That was the biggest surprise we’ve ever seen in our life. You know? We just thought his wife wasn’t talking to him for, like, a year. That made more sense to us than him possibly being dead. And when I watched it, I was like, “What, do they show him dying?” Yeah, that guy shoots him with a gun. That’s how the movie starts. That’s how obvious. They’re like, “Hey, he’s dead.” And we still watched it for two hours, just like, “I know what this guy’s going through, you know? This is… This is a movie about marriage and how hard marriage is. Yeah. Even if you get shot, it’s your fault.” On a, uh… On a sadder note, of sorts, we, uh… We had to put our dog down recently. And, uh, it’s a tough thing to do. You know? There was… Nothing was wrong with her. I’m just really busy right now, and… She was… No, she was very sick. That was a joke. All right? She was… That was a joke, and she would have loved that joke, so don’t you worry about it. That’s the type of humor she had. She was a rescue. It’s not your labradoodle humor, all right? It’s a little darker. She, uh… She was a wonderful dog. We loved her. And, uh, her name was Annie. And the reason we got her was my sister worked at a vet, and people do put dogs down for no reason. So, if someone brought a dog in that was fine, they just didn’t want it, uh, my sister couldn’t do it. So she would walk the dog back and then just steal the dog. Like, I don’t know the laws on all that, but… I’m sure now people are finding out their dog is still alive right now, like, they’re like… So, uh, we got Annie. Annie was getting put down. She was a hunting dog, and she was terrible at it. And she was bred to be a hunting dog, and she was just like a misfit toy that just couldn’t, didn’t do it. She got shot once, and that’s ’cause the guy, like… He would be, like, doing target practice, and then she’d just walk in front of the targets. He would hit her, and he was like, “What are you doing?” And she was like, “What are you doing?” She had, uh, no awareness about her, like the senses that dogs have. We had turkeys in our backyard once, and I let her out to go chase these turkeys. You know, retired hunting dog. I figured, “That’s fun.” And… we have a very normal backyard. It’s not Yellowstone Park. You can see all of it at all times. I, like, push her out, and she just pees and then comes back in the house. Never sees the turkeys. I’m looking at her like, “You didn’t feel anything? Nothing was going… Like, I sensed it as a human on the couch. I felt there was turkeys outside. You wanna take just one lap around, see if…” The guy used her a lot for duck hunting. So he would shoot a duck, she was supposed to run and go get it, and then bring it back. So what I like to picture is he shoots the duck, she runs out, comes back, no duck. She’s like, “I don’t even know what we’re doing, all right? I did not… A million things flew in the air when you shot that gun, and I’m supposed to know which one you hit?” And the guy’s just looking at her, and then she’s like, “You’re not even the guy that I came out here with. Uh… Do you see… Is there another guy out here by any chance?” Our daughter would put birthday cone hats on her, and one time, one slipped over her eye, and it was like that for six hours. I was just trying to see how long… Like, how’s it accidentally not coming off? And she was just going about her day. Just eating, drinking, like, “Yeah, I can’t see out that eye no more, all right? That’s the cards I was dealt, and that’s okay.” Then I pulled it off her. She was like, “Ah, I didn’t know  you were a doctor.” I’m like, “I am a doctor.” Just two dumb animals talking to each other. So she had skin cancer, and she would get all these spots on her. So we kept getting them removed, but it was really starting to take a toll on her and she was older. So we knew the day was close. And our daughter, she’s six now, but she was five at the time. This was her first pet. She was best friends with this dog. Annie was the first thing that was gonna die in her lifetime. So it’s a lot of stuff to have to explain to a kid, you know? So I was talking to my wife about like, “How are we going to tell her?” At first, I was like, “Let’s just act like we didn’t have a dog.” Five-year-olds are smart, but if we stick together on this, and she comes home from school and is like, ‘Where’s the dog?” And we’re like “What dog? Like, I don’t… I’ve never seen a dog. Don’t you think I would know if there was a dog?” But I read an article about the long-term damage of that. It’s pretty good. So… I was just honest with her. I sat her down. I said, “Look, Annie’s very sick, and she’s older, and she’s gonna die soon. This happens, so just love her as much as you can right now.” And she took it as good as a five-year-old can take it. So, the next day, I told her again. You gotta tell kids over and over again. I kept telling her. I didn’t want this to be a surprise. And then Annie surprised us by living six months longer. I mean, we were way off on when we thought she was gonna die. But I already started telling my daughter. I didn’t want to stop and then have to start it again. So I just kept it up for six months. Every day, I was like, “She’ll die. All right? She will die. She will die. I will die. Your mom’s dead.” So… we get… Finally, the day was here, and our daughter was at school. And so my sister and my wife, they took Annie to go have to put her to sleep, and I went to go pick up our daughter to tell her. I’ve already been telling her. And so I picked her up, I told her. It was brutal. Very sad. She took it as if this was the first she’s heard about it. We get home, and my wife was like, “How was it?” Which is already a dumb… Like, “It was great. -You know? I… …loved it. Can’t wait for the next thing to die. Uh… Nice to say ‘I told you so,’ you know.” I told my wife, “It was terrible,” you know? And then my wife goes, “You didn’t tell her that I did it, did you?” I was like, “No, why would I say that?” Like, I didn’t even think about it, you know? I looked at her like, “Is that what you would have said? Would you have told her that I did it?” “Your dad’s been talking about the dog dying. Well, he’s finally had enough.” We’ve been married, uh, 12 years, and our wedding, uh… it was not good. -There’s… This is not… This is not my fault. This was… My mom and my wife planned the wedding, and they’re both cheap. So they cut corners. If we hire someone… If we hire someone to do something to our house, I promise he does not do that job full-time. He’ll be fixing our dishwasher, and we’re like, “Do you paint houses?” He’s like, “Yeah, I probably could paint houses.” You know? His business card says, “How hard could it be? Right? Can’t be that hard.” -Uh… We got married on Friday the 13th. Got a pretty sweet deal on that. They were wide open. We were like, “What times are available?” They go, “Every one of them, all 24. You can call us that day if you want.” Her brother married us, that was free. The photographer was just a buddy of ours that had like a… He just bought a new camera. So we’re like, “You gonna do our wedding?” Never done anything professionally, and it showed. -Uh… His camera stopped working during it, and he started taking stuff out of it, like that would be the problem, like… It’s like, “Yeah, you know what? I bet they put too much stuff inside of it when they built it. You should yank some wires. That’s not supposed to be in there like that.” Our DJ was awful, and that’s because we got my mom to hire the DJ. I don’t know who thinks to ask someone in their 50s for DJ recommendations. No one ever is like, “Mom, are you in with the local DJ scene by any chance?” She hired someone older than her. He just had CDs, and this was when computers were doing real good. He got, uh, super drunk, played the same song three times in a row. “White Wedding,” which he said was by Billy Joel. He only had one leg… seriously. And that’s fine, you know? No one cares… until he starts messing up, and then you’re like, “Why does he have one leg?” The best wedding I’ve ever been to was my cousin’s wedding. It was a real redneck affair. It was right outside Louisville, Kentucky, where my parents are from. And my cousin’s name is Tuesday, which is a good start. The invitation said, “Tuesday’s getting married, rehearsal’s Friday, wedding’s Saturday.” People were like, “We gotta be there Monday for this wedding? How long is this wedding? It’s a week?” We get there, I’m wearing a button-down shirt, khaki pants. Nothing crazy. I’m wildly overdressed. I look like I work there. -Uh… Everybody else just has a football or basketball jersey on. My uncle, his daughter’s getting married. He has his tuxedo jacket, pants, cummerbund, bowtie. No shirt. They forgot his shirt, and instead of waiting to go get it, he was like, “Let’s do it without it.” Right? Like, that’s… And he doesn’t have a body that’s like, “That’s cool, man.” You know? He has a body that you’re like, “Put your jacket on backwards. Flip it around.” Yeah. Then you see his back, and you’re like, “Oof. All right, go back to regular way. Yeah, that’s my fault. I didn’t… How’s your back worse than your front?” Uh… We go into the church. It’s bride and groom. Looks like it’s home and away That’s how many jerseys are in there. -Uh… Guys are drinking beers in the church. Like, that’s something I’ve never heard, a pastor be like, “Guys, can we not drink alcohol in the church?” They’re like, “Oh, I didn’t know this was the nice part of town. All right.” Uh… The reception is next door, just at a lady’s house. Like, in her backyard. Like, she doesn’t do… It isn’t like, she’s like, “And I do receptions all the time.” We were her one and only reception. So we walk over. They took a horse and buggy. The horse was the oldest horse I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a donkey. I thought they got a deal on a donkey. And the guy was like, “This horse was in the Kentucky Derby.” You’re like, “The first one that they did? Is that Secretariat’s father? How old is this horse, man? You know they lay down, right?” Uh… So we walk. They took… They… It took them… It took them 45 minutes. They went up a driveway and back down the next driveway. They’re sweating, almost divorced by the time they get there. The reception, like I said, it’s in her backyard. They put plywood on the grass, like, side-by-side, to make a dance floor. We danced just to a radio station on a boombox. Just, like, 104.5. You would have to stop for weather and traffic updates. There was a punch bowl that was low to the ground, like on a low table. And so I was giving it to kids. I was trying to help out. And then someone was like, “That’s wine.” And I gave it to so many kids. I don’t know anything about wine, but I don’t think they tell you to pour it into a bowl. Like, that’s not… No one’s ever like, “Let’s get it out of that box, get it in a bowl. You know, let’s let it breathe a little bit.” I got a couple of nine-year-olds pretty loose that night. The end of the night comes, everybody’s drunk. Children, adults – it’s across the board. A fight breaks out, we hear someone yell, “Fight!’ And I mean, you’re sitting there, you got a 50/50 shot it’s not your side of the family. We get over there, it’s 100% our side. It’s my dad’s aunt and uncle, both rolling around on the ground. They’re in their late 70s. He wanted to leave, she did not, so they thought, “Let’s just handle it in front of everybody.” She’s on top of him. She punches him. He then punches her, and you’re like, “You can’t do that,” you know? So we gotta get them apart, and he starts fighting us, and he’s a pretty good fighter, all right? He’s punching women in public. You don’t think he’s handled some dudes in his lifetime? That ends the night, you know? You can’t be like, “Guys, let’s calm… Cut the radio back on, find a good station.” Uh… Tuesday, uh, is sadly divorced now. That did not work out. My dad’s aunt and uncle, sadly, they’re still… It did work out. They’re still together. So… That’s our family, you know? We come… It’s a pretty wild bunch. My dad is a magician. He’s done that my entire life. He was a clown at the very beginning, just in case you’re like, “How do you get into something like that?” Uh… It goes clown, then magic. There’s two steps. You can take them in either order. I was born, he was a clown. It was never weird to me. I thought everybody’s dad was a clown. My, uh, first memory of my life is I was five years old, and I remember my mom walked me out to the front yard, and my dad pulled up… We had this old red Mazda. He’s dressed as a clown, that doesn’t even faze me. That’s just how he left. How else would he come home? And… The Easter Bunny was in the passenger seat. That’s the first thing that I remember, to my life. If you want to know how you get into comedy, that’s a pretty good nudge. And I remember it didn’t fit. The Easter Bunny head didn’t fit in the car. Like, he couldn’t sit normal, so his head was bent to the side. And I remember he had his seat belt on, and he’s just like… and I was like… I like to think about all the other people that saw that. Just in the car next to them, just at a red light, you’re like, “I didn’t even know they hung out like that.” Uh… So, me and my dad, we do… He just does magic now, and he’s very good at what he does. He’s very funny, and we do shows together. So, uh, one time, we did this show. Magicians have conventions where they get together and they buy and sell tricks, and they give a lecture, and they do this big show. So this guy was putting one together in Des Moines, Iowa, which is the birthplace of magic, something a lot of people don’t know. And… It’s not, but that does sound like it could be. I don’t know why. I said that in Des Moines, and people are like, “I think I already knew that.” Uh… They’re like, “No. Uh, yeah, he’s… No, he’s right.” So, this guy calls me, he’s like, “Your dad’s performing this year, so we want you to come down, and we’re gonna make you appear out of a magic trick.” I’m gonna come out, I’m gonna surprise my dad, surprise the audience, everybody will go crazy, and then I’ll do five minutes of stand-up, and that will end the show. He’s like, “It’s gonna be a big deal.” I was like, “All right.” I agreed to it. I fly to Des Moines. I’m hiding. I’m in my room. No one knows I’m there. The show starts. My dad’s out performing, I climb in a box backstage. When my dad gets done performing, they ask him to stay and help, and they push the box out. The trick is, the guy has a very pretty lady assistant. She walks around, shows the box is empty, and then she climbs in. Normally, it just falls apart, and then she disappears. But now, it falls apart, and it’s me, and I pop out. And you have to come out big. I don’t know if you’ve ever appeared out of a magic trick, but… if you do, you can’t just be like, “How you doing?” -You know? Like… It’s gotta be a big grand, like, “Can you believe it?” And I look at my dad, his face is so surprised. He had no idea. But his eyes are just like, “Why would you ever do this?” And I was like, “Is this not a good time to visit you?” Uh… The audience is clapping, but they’re not going that crazy… Like, they start… The clapping starts dying down, and as I’m standing there, it’s, like, hitting me. I was like, “I don’t think they know who we are.” That guy told me they did, and they don’t. They don’t know that’s my dad, they don’t know I’m a comedian. This looks like the stupidest trick they’ve ever seen. It doesn’t make sense. They’re like, ‘A pretty girl goes in and just a whatever dude pops out? That’s your trick? Your trick is backwards, sir. It’s backwards.” And now I gotta do comedy, but they don’t know I’m a comedian. So I get a microphone, they’re like, “He’s gonna talk to us now? How long is this trick?” When you do comedy in front of people not expecting comedy, it does not come off as comedy. It sounds like a mean speech. They were just like, “Get back in the box. Where’s the girl? Is she fine? Can we hear from her?” I don’t think things through. That’s the message tonight, guys. There’s not… There’s no message. But if there was, it’s I don’t think things through. No. I’m a huge, uh, Vanderbilt fan. -And… Thank you, a couple of us. Yeah, the storm is coming together. Uh… I mean, I, uh… I did not go to Vanderbilt, too. Vanderbilt asked me to say that, and… I was like, “I think people know,” and they go, “We do too, but just say it.” -Uh… Vanderbilt went to their first bowl game in football in, like, 20 years, in 2008. And, uh, so we all go to it. We’re very excited. It’s at Tennessee Titans’ stadium. So, me and a bunch of buddies get together, we go tailgate, we get a cornhole, a grill. Like, we’re going… we’re going all out. And my ticket was at will-call, so I went. I was like, “I gotta get my ticket. I’ll be right back.” So I go get my ticket, and before the lady gives it to me, she ripped it, which means you have to go in. And it was, I mean, a full three hours before the game starts. I was like, “I don’t want to go in yet,” you know? And she was like, “You have to go.” And I just walked in to just an empty stadium. Sixty thousand empty seats. I go to my seat, I don’t go to a different one. I went to, like, the one I’m supposed to go to, like a loser. The players are, like, in jeans. They’re not even dressed yet. I was like, “I’m real excited for the game!” I startled them. They were like, “I didn’t know anybody was in here. Uh… Did you go to Vandy?” I was like, “You would think with how early I’m here, -but… I also think if I went to Vandy, I wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in.” I walked to the top of the stadium and watched my friends tailgate. I just sat up at the very top. And I was like, “I’m already in, guys. Yeah, I decided to save our numbered seats.” Uh… Nothing was open. I stood in front of a concession stand, like I was waiting for an iPhone to come out. Just that gate was down, and I’m already trying to figure out what I’m gonna eat. And they came and opened it, and one side got stuck, and I helped them. I go, “I’ll get that.” So I helped them open it. They were like, “You work here?” I was like, “I’ve been here a bit longer than you have, so…” I’m not smart. At all. No, I’m pretty… I, uh… I’m smart enough to, like, answer my six-year-old’s questions. She’s like, “Why is the sun hot?” I’m like, “‘Cause it’s on fire. That’s a stupid question.” And… I tell her that, all right, because I know that she’ll be smarter than me next year, and then just for the rest of her life. So I am really sticking it to her while I can. I know nothing about, like, adult stuff that you’re supposed to know about. Uh, global warming, that’s one that everybody yells at you about. They’re like, “You better do something.” I’m like, “I’m so tired of it. Let’s do it.” Like… I’m like, “I barely made it out of high school. I don’t really know how rain works. So why don’t… why don’t you let me figure that out, and then I’ll do global warming. But I’ve seen it rain without clouds. Where’s that water coming from? So… I’m pretty swamped with this rain stuff right now, but once I get to the bottom of that, then we’ll do global warming, and I got some pretty good ideas, you know?” We recycle, you know, and we recycle because my wife, it’s her… She gets all the credit for that. I would never recycle if I was by my… I don’t… I don’t do it if she’s not looking at me, so I would never do it if I was alone. I looked up a list of, like, “All right, what are you supposed to do for global warming, as an individual?” And it was a big, long list, but the first thing on the list was my favorite. It just said, “Just talk to your friends and family about it.” Think about your friends and family. Like, not the ones that are the good ones, that are close. Think about how… far out it goes. When you guys get together, be like, “You mind if we talk about global warming? I just thought this would be a good time to get into it.” I had a great aunt and uncle fist fight each other at a wedding. “Let me get in the middle. Any chance this fight was about global warming? Because I just would love to get that conversation rolling, you know?” I get it. We’re supposed to… It’s supposed to… It’s for our kids’ kids, and their kids, and we wanna make sure they have a good Earth, and their environment and stuff. We don’t want ’em to have a bad Earth. And we don’t want them to be mad at us, and yell at us, but I don’t think they will, because I don’t think we get mad. I don’t ever see litter on the ground and call my grandmother, and be like, “Where do you get off,” you know? “I don’t know how you show your face anymore, all right? It’s cloudy today. Is that because you smoked on planes? Probably. Why’d you have to smoke that high? Where do you think that smoke was going?” We did stuff as a kid. I did Earth Day as a kid. I think they still do Earth Day. And we did it. I’m from Old Hickory, and we’re a plant… Like, DuPont Plant is the… We were a plant town. So, they had a plant, and we went and planted trees in front of the DuPont Plant, and there was just black smoke coming out of this thing. And we’re just in front of it, like, “This is for Earth.” And you can’t even see us, it’s so dark. And we’re just like… “This is for the Earth and stuff, and we’re gonna breathe better.” And you’re like, “I don’t know if that’s the problem.” Uh… I, uh… Here’s what I’m doing for, you know, my daughter’s future environment, is, uh, what I decided to do– They… They say we won’t have water. So, I put a bunch of buckets outside to collect water, and when she turns 18, and she’s like, “Do I get money?” I’m like, “Something a little better than money. Uh… I bet you’ve always wondered what those buckets were doing outside. Well, they’re all yours. And that’s for your kids, and their kids. Everybody gets a bucket of water.” No. Look, guys. All seriousness, though… global warming, we gotta… you know, we gotta stop it. Or… more of it. I don’t really know which way we want to go, but… It can’t stay warmer. I know that. It’s gotta be one or… You know, something’s gotta happen. Something. Can’t stay where we’re at. So, go… I don’t know what direction you want me… Just go. Look, in all… Guys, in all seriousness, as… To use this as a platform for global warming, guys, I felt like, you know, I was a spokesperson for all of Earth. All right? I think… I’ll give you a message that I don’t think no one will give you, and I’m here to say that we’re doing fine. So just relax. You know, we’re in a time where everybody yells at you, and everybody’s bad. We’re doing great. All right? I did some… I looked up, I did some research. And I was like, “Let me look at the other planets. Let’s see how good they’re doing.” And… I don’t want to… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They’re nowhere right now. Uh… Some of them have too many moons. That’s how stupid they are. And… So let’s calm down. All right? We’re doing so… We’re so much farther ahead. I mean, they haven’t started, and we’re almost done. -So let’s… celebrate being first! Don’t be sore winners. Look, in all… Guys, in all seriousness… I don’t know. No, look, the world, we’re… It’s getting very advanced. All right? I have, uh… I’ve been to a dog bakery. I’ve been to a dog bakery in my life. And this wasn’t in, you know, Beverly Hills, or, like, Miami or something. You feel like they would have that. And this was in Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. And if you don’t know where Mt. Juliet is, it’s fine, but I bet you can tell that doesn’t sound like a town you would drive through, going, “I bet they have a pretty good dog bakery here.” Uh… I went in there, and no one was in there. The lady was looking at me like, “Are you here to buy this store from me?” That was her only hope. I talked to her, she had some time on her hands, excited to talk. And, uh, she said her and her husband bought the store for their 27-year-old daughter who graduated from college with a degree, and came out of college, and said, “I want to own a dog bakery. I want to make cakes for dogs.” Which, if I asked my six-year-old what she wants to do when she grows up, I think she’ll tell me she wants to make cakes for dogs. And I’m gonna tell her that she can do whatever she wants to do, hoping she doesn’t turn 27… and go, “Let’s talk about those cakes for those dogs.” Maybe they’re usually busy. Maybe I was in there on a slow dog birthday day. I don’t know. All right? She told me everything was organic, and I was like, “That’s good. That’s what I like to hear. All right? This is for that dog that’s outside licking gum off the sidewalk right now. And if anybody deserves organic food in our house… it’s not this little girl, not gonna waste it on her. It’s for that dog that’s wandered out on the highway, ’cause it doesn’t know what cars are.” But, look, next time you guys go to Mt. Juliet for a vacation, let me tell you, look, do… do ’em a favor, go by there, all right? Swing through, you know, buy some dog cakes. Uh, and I’ll be honest with you. I’ll be upfront with you, guys. I bought a dog bakery. It’s not going that good. All right? I… All right, we’re almost done, so don’t worry about it. Uh… And I think you can tell… I always think people are like, “He’s talking about dog bakeries. He’s about out of stuff.” Uh… Yeah, where were we? Where is this going? I, uh… uh… First, thank you. I can’t thank you enough for coming out tonight. It means the world, and, uh… I’ve been making… This is how I’ve been closing shows on the road, and I want to close my special with it. Uh… I’m assuming that people saw the Netflix, The Standups, the little half-hour… -…that I did. Thank you. Thank you for watching it. Thank you for coming out. Uh, so some stuff’s happened since that special, and I want to give you some updates to a couple of stories I told on that special. And if you haven’t seen it, I’ll walk you through it. Don’t, you know, think you’re gonna be lost, and I think you’ve seen what I’ve talked about. I bet you’re like, “I bet we’ll catch up quick.” So, just… So the first update is about the Cape Fear Serpentarium. And… if you… if you haven’t seen it, you could… you could pause it right now and go watch it, but you might be like, “I can’t handle really much more of you.” But… If not, I’m gonna walk you through it. Uh… Or maybe just a reminder. But a very quick, unfunny version is I went to Wilmington, North Carolina to a guy’s house, and he had a bunch of snakes, lizards, and a crocodile. When I was there, a crocodile got out and a lady wrote a TripAdvisor review about it. That’s the very quick, unfunny version. If you haven’t seen it, don’t think that’s all it takes to get a Netflix special. Uh… So the first thing is the lady that wrote the TripAdvisor review messaged me after the special came out. And if you write a review on TripAdvisor, you can see how many people look at it, and it jumped 50,000 views the day the special came out. So… But she did not know this for a couple of days, so, I mean, she was like, “I’m crushing it as a reviewer. All right? -I swear… You better… I’ll bring your place… You better treat me right, Applebee’s. I’ll bring this whole place down!” The next update to it is the, uh… So that… So Cape Fear Serpentarium has closed down. – Aww. -And… I know, you guys had a chance to go to it. Uh, it is closed. So the guy that owned it, his name is Dean Ripa. I do not know this guy. He was there that day. Uh, I saw him that day. I don’t know him. I mean, this place will be a part of my life for the rest of my life, and I was there for one day. But… So he was a very original guy, he was his own guy. And, uh, there’s… You can see there’s great stuff on him. There’s another thing on Netflix called 72 Deadliest Animals, they interview him in that. There’s also great YouTube clips where, like, he would bring, like, venomous snakes to local Wilmington news channels, and he would barely pay attention to these snakes. He would, like, have it on the table and he’s not even looking. They’re like, “Could you grab it maybe more?” And he’s like, “What’s that?” They’re like, “We didn’t ask you to bring that in, by the way.” And he’s going, “You need me to leave it in the car? What’d you want me…” I remember when I was there that day. There was cages empty. You’re like, “Is that supposed to be empty?” He’s like, “We’re cleaning that. If you see something, tell us, but I’m pretty sure… I’m pretty sure we’re cleaning that one.” So the main reason it closed is, uh… sadly to announce, that guy, he has, uh, died. Uh, he passed away. And it’s pretty… pretty wild stuff. Uh… So, how he died, a little different than most. And… I will just tell you, uh… You know, and I already know what you’re thinking in your head, and his wife shot him. So, yeah, you weren’t thinking that, I can tell you that. It’s unbelievable. I mean… The odds of this are definitely higher than if you don’t own a snake museum, but there’s still… It’s insane. So… This all happened after we taped that last The Standups, and so, uh, I would let… I was telling an audience to guess, like, how he died. And so I’m just gonna tell you the guesses where people, you know, “A snake got him,” good guess. “Crocodile ate him,” solid guess. Someone yelled “cancer” once, and I was like, “What?” Like, I don’t… I don’t know if I’d present it like this if I knew the answer was “cancer.” “Let’s go around the room, everybody. Guess how he died. Cancer? That guy got it. That was a good guess.” You know? One guy guessed it once, in Huntsville, Alabama. And it was an older gentleman, he was sitting up front, and, uh, he just goes, “Did his wife shoot him? You know when someone guesses your guess, and you’re like, “You’re the worst, man.” I was like, “Did you look it up?” And he had a flip phone on his table. He wasn’t looking stuff up. And I was like, “Why would you ever guess that?” He was like, “Because my wife shot me.” And I was like, “Oof. Well, that’s fair.” I bet he guesses that with every death he hears, like, I mean, just, “Frank died.” “Did his wife shoot him?” “No, and I’m not gonna tell you anymore if you keep guessing that, all right? That’s the last one.” The final update. That’s what this next… The special after this is gonna be just more… just all updates. And… it’ll be something you don’t know, like, “Remember when my car didn’t start?” You’re like, “I don’t… Who is this update for? Uh…” I like to, uh… I like to drink iced coffee with milk, and… Thank you. Uh, I told a story. I went into a Starbucks inside a Target. I ordered, uh, iced coffee with milk, and the guy gave me milk with ice in it. I did not want milk with ice. I wanted iced coffee with milk, and he heard milk with ice. I have learned that a lot of people do drink milk with ice. People send me pictures all the time… of adults just drinking milk with ice. And they stay in the Starbucks. They don’t even, like, run to their car, like, “This is so embarrassing. I gotta stop…” Like, they… -…do it openly. My wife puts, uh, ice in our daughter’s milk, and I was like, “Oh, you do that because of my joke?” And she’s… she’s not a big fan of my comedy, so she was like, “I haven’t seen it.” I was like, “We have Netflix, you know.” She was like, “I don’t think we do,” I was like, “I know we do.” And she was like, “I’m just so busy right now.” Uh… So, all of it’s true, except my wife, my wife does like my comedy. She’s very nice to me, but, uh… All the rest is true. And the truth of it, too, is it’s happened to me two times. Twice, and let me tell you, one time is a lot of times. The second time, you start looking at yourself. You start thinking, “What am I doing? I don’t know if I know how to order.” I would say… I looked at… I ordered it in a mirror, just to see what it looked like. Like, “Iced coffee with milk.” I was just trying to see what they would see. I thought it was happening… There was a third time I thought it was happening. I was at a Starbucks at an airport, and she put the drink down, I was like, “They’re doing this on purpose.” I was convinced that they’re just calling each other, like, “Let’s drive this guy crazy.” But she just put too much, uh, milk into it. It was an honest mistake. And she told me, ’cause she set the drink down, and we’re both just staring at it. And she just goes… “That feels like a lot of milk, doesn’t it?” I was like, “Not as much as usual, but it does feel…” So, I have, uh… I’ve changed my drink up… since then, and I honestly did it because I don’t think I say “milk” good. I was having this one problem, and I was like, “I’m not gonna say milk.” So, now I drink iced coffee with cream. That’s all I changed it to. I’m tired of saying milk. All they kept giving me was milk with ice. I was like, “I’m gonna say cream, they can’t do cream with ice. That’s against the law.” So… I’ll get rid of the one problem that I have. And I’ve only been drinking coffee for maybe four years. Not very long. I only order this one little drink. I get very nervous when I order coffee, ’cause it’s a whole world, and I don’t know the world, you know. They always ask you a bunch of stuff. They’re like, “What kind of cream? I’m like, “Just please do it. -Just do it.” You know? Sometimes they’re like, “Heavy cream or half-and-half?” I’ll go, “I’m sorry, I’m not taking questions right now, so… if you could just do whatever you think it is, and if it’s wrong, I won’t even tell you. How about that? I will walk out of here as if that’s exactly what I ordered. I will go outside, I will throw it away, and go try again at a different Starbucks.” That’s how I’ll handle the entire… That’s why they have so many Starbucks, so you can just keep going. -Someone’s got to get it. If I have to get my wife’s coffee, she has to text me what she wants, ’cause I don’t know how to pronounce, like, most of the words there. So I just show them the phone. I go, “She wants this.” They’re like, “Does she want it sweetened?” I’m like, “Guess we have to call her now, don’t we?” And… I make them talk to her. I go, “Talk to a stranger’s wife. Say what you said to me.” Have you ever been to a Starbucks, like, inside? Like, you go inside, and there’s, like, a big, long line, and you’ll be waiting, and they try to take your order before you’re even to the front. You’ll be in the back, They’re like,” What you want?” You’re like, “I would like to wait till I get right in front of you. Yeah, you see how everybody looked at me when you said that? I didn’t care for that, so… How about we do it like a regular, normal business, you know, and you let me do it right in front of you? Starbucks is, like, waving cars down on the street, like, “We’re trying to get your order started in case you ever come here one day.” Uh… So I was in, uh, San Francisco, and I bet there’s a bunch of fun coffee places, and I live in my dumb world that just… I just want this one little drink. So I go into a Starbucks, and I get in the front, and I was like, “Uh, I’ll take an iced coffee with cream.” She goes, “With cream?” I go, “With cream.” She goes, “Iced coffee with cream?” I go, “Iced coffee with cream.” She goes, “With cream?” I go, “With cream.” And she said it one more time, “So, iced coffee with cream?” And that point I should have said, “What’s going on right now? Where are you at in your head? Because I… I feel like we’re in two different places.” But I was nervous, and there was people behind me, and I was like, “Cream or no cream, honestly. I’ll give you $20 if you let me leave right now. I cannot… This is the most I can talk about this. I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.” So I paid, I go stand in line, where you gotta wait for your drink. There’s, like, five of us waiting for our drinks. So she puts the iced coffee up there first. No cream, and I was like, “Whatever.” I’ll just do it myself, you know? Like, I don’t like doing it myself, but I was like, “All right, I’ll just do it.” So, before I could get it, she’s walked back with a can of whipped cream, and she’s shaking it. And I’m just looking at it, like, thinking that’s someone else’s. I’m like, “Someone’s getting whipped cream. That’s fun. One of you guys are getting whipped cream?” And I look down, and she starts spraying the whipped cream on top of my iced coffee. She just yells out, “Iced coffee, whipped cream!” Yells it out. The other four people, they turn their back. Like, they don’t want you to accidentally think that’s what they ordered. And I’m just left alone. Like, “That’s what you thought I said over there? You don’t think I would have said ‘iced coffee with whipped cream’? You think I’m just some nut job?” Like, “I’ve had too many problems in this Starbucks, so I’m gonna use the words that I want and no other words: Iced coffee, whipped cream, cup.” And they didn’t have a top for it. So whipped cream, it doesn’t sink and become less embarrassing. It moves. It’s like a buoy in an ocean that everybody sees. I’m walking through the crowd like, “This is my favorite drink. I don’t know if you guys drink this at all. Does anybody… Nobody does this? I’m surprised.” And I walked outside and threw it away and tried again at a different Starbucks. All right. Thank you, guys. I can’t thank you enough. You are unbelievable. Thank you so much for coming out. You were, uh, really, you’re awesome.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jimmy Carr: The Best of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-the-best-of-ultimate-gold-greatest-hits-transcript/

♪ I got gas in the tank ♪ ♪ I got money in the bank ♪ ♪ I got news for you, baby You’re looking at the man ♪ Someone came up to me in the street and said, “Are you Jimmy Carr, or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?” I said, “Both.” I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy, which is… not that impressive, is it? I mean, “the hardest-working man,” that’s good, but “in comedy” takes the shine off that compliment. The hardest-working man in comedy. It’s like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. No offense to any burns victims we have here. Are there any burns victims in? I mean, if there’s one, there’ll be loads. They tend to stick together. And we’re off! That’s a very good reaction to that joke, because that joke is very much a canary in the mine. That is there to test the air. If you’re sat there thinking, “That was funny,” you’re in for a lovely evening. If you’re thinking, “That was a bit much, actually…” It’s going to be a fucking long night for you. Do you know the average person laughs out loud ten times a day? Not everyone, obviously. If you work in a hospice or with learning disabled adults… it could be ten times that. Sky’s the limit. Dare to dream. They say that laughter is the best medicine. So maybe, just maybe, if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs… You look slightly concerned there, madam. Let me just take a moment to reassure you. During that last joke, no-one in a wheelchair has ever walked out. Look, before we start properly, we should probably talk about how PC works in comedy, because there are rules and regulations that govern what I can and what I can’t say up here on stage. So basically, how PC works in comedy is, if you’re directly involved or affected by something, you get a free pass. You’re allowed to joke about that thing. So, for example, disabled people could joke about disability. Homosexual people could joke about being gay. Black or Asian people could joke about race. Those are the rules. So these two pedophiles walk into a park… What? A lot of people don’t think pedophiles should be allowed to live anywhere near schools. But it does reduce their carbon footprint. If you’re scared of pedophiles… grow up. Now, I don’t want to offend anyone here this evening with my language. I know certain people have got certain words they just don’t like. So to avoid causing offense unnecessarily tonight, if I refer to a vagina at any point, which I’m bound to do… You know the kind of comedian I am. But if I refer to a vagina at any point this evening, I’ll call it… What’s the least offensive term? Front bottom? No-one’s offended by the term “front bottom,” are they? So, for this evening, “front bottom” and “back cunt.” Let’s keep this classy, shall we? When Donald Trump first took to office, little did he know… Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable. Yeah. I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican. When I was younger, I couldn’t talk to women, because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating. It’s very difficult to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle. You want to be manly, you don’t want to wake her up. You’ve got to be very careful with jokes, especially gentlemen. Men get carried away with jokes. Men joke in inopportune situations. Men often joke in the bedroom. That’s never a good idea. Yeah, it’s quite funny to say to a girl who’s going down on you, “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But it’s even funnier if she says, “Well, it’s not full.” I had a friend that used to self-harm, because he was bullied. I used to think… “Whose side are you on?” If there’s a fight, I let my fists do the talking. “Please don’t hurt me.” If a giant ape and a table tennis champion got into an argument over a karaoke machine in the Far East… would the newspaper headline be: “Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong Sing-Song Ding Dong”? That’s quite a silly joke. I was trying to write the shortest joke possible, so I wrote a four-word joke. Venison’s dear, isn’t it? Then a three-word joke. Stationery store moves. And then a blink and you’ll miss it, two-word joke. Dwarf shortage. I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs. Very little. Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs, but I never tell them that I love them, because I don’t want them to get big-headed. I was in Brussels last year doing shows and something interesting happened when I was in Brussels, which you don’t get to say every day. They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo. Aww. And they told you on the news how they make baby pandas. Yeah. It’s not how you think. It’s not a mommy panda and a daddy panda fucking. Pandas are not down to fuck. They’re sort of like the opposite of girls from Dublin. There’s a look of civic pride there from some of the ladies. A look as if to say, “We do like the D.” So if you want to have a baby panda, what you do is you phone up the Chinese authorities. All pandas in the world are Chinese. They’ll lend you a panda. They’re not giving away their pandas. So you phone up the Chinese authorities, they send over a panda fertility expert. Here’s where it gets interesting. This panda fertility expert brings with him, in his luggage, a full-size, man-size, dress-up, zip-up panda outfit, replete with enormous panda head. Who knew? That’s not his name. I’m saying I did not know that. So he flies to Brussels, he’s got the outfit with him, he says hello to everyone at Brussels Zoo, friendly enough, as well he might be, and then it’s right down to business. He dresses up from head to toe as a panda, pops on his big panda head, walks into Mr. Panda’s enclosure dressed from head to toe as a panda and he, uh… He wanks off Mr. Panda. Dressed as a panda. So if anyone here’s thinking, “Oh, I’ve had a tough week at work…” Have you? Have you, though? Did you wank off a panda? No, you fucking didn’t. So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda. Incidentally, that is the day to visit the zoo. Am I right? “Come here, kids. You’re not going to believe this. I don’t think that one’s even a real panda.” So he wanks off a panda, dressed as a panda, they collect the panda semen… Obviously. Otherwise, what just happened? “Who was that bloke?” “I thought he was with you.” “Shit, it’s happened again.” So they collect the panda semen and then they wait. They wait until the female panda is asleep in her enclosure. And then they creep into the female panda’s enclosure as she sleeps and they artificially inseminate the female panda as she sleeps. I’m not sure who does that. I presume Bill Cosby. I bloody love show business. Every night after the show, I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door, and sometimes… I let them out. Are you alright at the back? How are the people up there? Excellent news. Sometimes, if I see a show, if I’m at the back of the room, I’ve got a weird fear of missing out. I feel like, “Are people having more fun down here than we’re having at the back?” But there’s advantages to sitting at the back, because you get more of a sense of occasion, more of a sense of people coming together and sharing a sense of humor, that great music hall spirit. You get more of a sense of that from the back of the room. And the other advantage to sitting at the back is this sort of thing won’t happen. I fucked your mum. That’s not going to happen to any of you. I’ve got nothing but respect for your mums. Hard-working, decent women. I still owe your mum 20 Euro. That’s right. I paid for everyone. Sorry, I’ve been terribly rude there. Sir, what’s your name? Shane. What do you do, Shane? I’m still in school. You’re in school? How old are you, Shane? Eighteen. You’re 18? Okay, Shane. And who are you here with, Shane? My dad. Your dad? No. No, Shane. You’re with the man you think is your dad. Could be any one of us. Well, apologies, Shane, because, I mean, this evening does not work out well for you. Your mum gets quite a few mentions. I hope you’re going to be okay with that. Are you going to be alright? You’re in for quite a rough ride tonight. Is what I said to your mum the last time I saw her. It’s that sort of thing pretty much fucking continually. Okay. When I’m away from home, I sometimes get love sick. Well, they call it chlamydia. I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me, “Do you want white or brown toast?” I said, “All toast is brown. You’re thinking of bread.” He said, “What room are you in?” I said, “It’s the dining room.” I was on tour recently and walked into a hotel room, and on the TV screen, it just said, “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought, “That’s a bit specialist. How did they know I’d be into that?” Lucky guess. A lot of people text whilst driving. I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret when we’re drunk. We have all done things we regret when we’re drunk. Some of you may be with one of them this evening. Some very good sideways glancing going on. Backseat drivers, they’re all the same, aren’t they? “Why are we going into the woods? Please let me go.” “I am trying to maintain an erection.” Here’s a question. Does anyone in the room believe in the supernatural? Ghosts and spirits and the like. Anyone? Yes! Quite a lot of you. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. Grow up. There’s actually a special name for people that have seen a ghost. It’s… schizophrenic. People claim to be into recycling, but you should see their faces when you rinse out a condom. Women usually take care of contraception within relationships, but some men do and they’re called… dads. I’ve got a friend, she’s got a theory. She reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours and hours. I think it’s bollocks. Has everyone that’s going to get it got it? Let’s move on. I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger.” You might think that’s quite cool. She doesn’t like it. My girlfriend said to me recently, “Have you been having sex behind my back?” I said, “Who the fucking hell did you think it was? And another thing. It wouldn’t kill you to turn around and check how I’m doing. A little bit of encouragement goes a long way.” My girlfriend used to get annoyed at me because I used to leave the toilet seat up. So now I always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Only takes a second. I know a lot of people think that’s a trivial matter, but I think it’s a signifier. It shows that you care in a small way each and every day. So always make a point of putting the toilet seat down. Of course, there’s no winning with her. Now she’s annoyed because it’s covered in piss. I tell these jokes, but I’m actually a very modern man. I’ve got no problem buying tampons, but apparently they’re not a “proper present.” “Says super on the box. I don’t know what you want!” “Happy birthday, Mum.” I bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking, which is ideal for her, because not only is she a vegetarian… My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, “Alright, fatty!” The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet. A fat lady came up to me after a show and complained about that joke. I say a fat lady came up to me. She pretty much surrounded me. She was livid. She said, “I think you’re fattist.” I said, “No.” “I think you’re fattest.” Have you ever fucked a girl so fat you think it might count as a threesome? I’ll tell you when you know you’re with a big girl. If you’ve ever found yourself in the throes of passion, thinking… “Is that boob or arm?” “I’ll give it a lick just to be sure.” A very nice man came up to me after a show recently and said, “Hey, I’m a fat guy. How do you think I feel?” I said, “Squidgy.” I mean, I tell these jokes, but I knew I had to lose a little bit of weight recently. I think you know, as a man, when you’ve got to lose weight. There’s warning signs. There are red flags. I knew I had to lose weight. A very sad day for any man when his girlfriend suggests he cums on his own tits. Most men don’t get enough fiber in their diet. Yeah? Tough shit. I read a thing recently. It was in Men’s Health Magazine. It said that drinking your own urine is meant to be good for you. Bullshit. I put my back out. That was a flattering mime, wasn’t it? A double-hander, sir? Half of all women don’t groom or style their pubic hair. Half! That means, statistically, either your mum or your nan is rocking a Brazilian. Must be your nan, Shane. Seriously, your mum, it was like a knife wound in a gorilla’s back. You’ve taken that well. Which I imagine runs in the family, does it? People worry about their physical appearance. We all have silly hang-ups. Personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil nuts.” Makes me giggle. Because it tickles when I do it. Whenever I’m in the changing rooms in the gym, I’m always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else’s. But then, in fairness, it is erect. Ten percent of women have cried in shop fitting rooms. I guess… they weren’t expecting to see me there. My girlfriend recently bought a T-shirt for 100 Euro. That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt. It said D&G on the front. I suppose, fair enough, one of her tits is bigger than the other. We call that one our favorite. Turn on the taps, test the water. That’s how I remember it. That’s very much foreplay for beginners, isn’t it? Turn on the taps, test the water. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Not ready yet. Like a fucking Slip ‘N Slide. We’re on. People with Tourette’s. What makes them tick? The worst thing about being told you’ve got Alzheimer’s is it doesn’t just happen once. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke. I did a show for Alzheimer’s sufferers. My first wife was from Thailand. Don’t, you’ll feel bad. It’s actually quite a sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died of… testicular cancer. Probably the best way I could describe it is her front bottom was an outie. I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt. I thought… “That shows a lot of balls.” The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from up to seven miles away. And that fact also works if you remove the word… “moth.” The first time I told that joke was on BBC Radio 4 and we got a letter of complaint in from the National Gypsy Council. So I wrote back. Of course, they’d moved on. Here’s a frightening fact. If you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for one year. I don’t know about you good people, but I can’t help feeling we’re being overcharged for our groceries. Now my job is writing harsh, brutal jokes. I can’t compete recently with stuff I’ve just overheard. I was in a doctor’s waiting room, sat opposite these two ladies in their early sixties. One of the ladies, just trying to start a conversation with her friend, looked down at a copy of the newspaper, a stark image of famine on the cover of the paper… and she turned to her friend, she said, “This famine… it’s terrible, isn’t it?” And her friend, without skipping a beat, went… “Yeah… but they don’t get our winters.” Fucking hell. There’s about half of you laughing and half of you thinking, “The winter here can be rough.” I got stopped in the street the other day by one of those charity muggers. You know, the ones with the clipboard and the optimism. Chuggers, a lot of people call them. I call them “chunts.” Anyway, he stopped me in the street and went, “Do you know how often people die from AIDS?” I said, “I’m not an expert, but I’m guessing just the once, is it?” My best friend’s wife is having a baby. I said, “What do you want? A boy or a girl?” And he thought about it. He said… “I wanted a blowjob.” Really mournful. I like getting a blowjob off the missus. I don’t know if you get this. I don’t know if you get a blowjob off my missus. I don’t know what your shoe-buying budget is. A little glimpse into my world. The thing I like about oral sex… I think the thing most men like about oral sex, nothing sexual, ladies, is actually the peace and quiet. If you’ve ever been going down on a guy and he’s gone, “Oh,” that is not your technique. That is not his sexual ecstasy. That is the sound of a man not being asked a question. I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids, but if I had kids, I think I would have them adopted. I haven’t got children, but I have made a start. I bought some puppies and a van. I had a really awkward moment on stage recently while I was doing a show when someone from right in the back of the room shouted, “Are you ever going to have children?” I said, “Look, it’s a perfectly reasonable question. I don’t want to make you feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I… actually can’t have children… the way we do it.” What is it about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog the whole time? Who picks up guide dog shit? You can laugh, but no fucker knows. It’s got to be quite a hit-and-miss operation, hasn’t it? Ah, that’s warm. I saw a guy… I was in the high street near where I live in North London. I saw a guy with a guide dog and a white stick. So I went up to him. I said, “You must be blind.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I said, “There’s a tree over there.” Be a dick about it. I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband’s voice right. Pornography. I’ll cum to that later. I feel like I’m getting old. I was watching porn recently and I found myself thinking, “That bed looks comfy.” Here’s an old man thing I did for the first time recently. I bought Viagra for the first time. I didn’t have a problem per Se, but I thought, “You know, we’re going away for the weekend. Let’s super-charge this.” And you can now get, in the UK, over-the-counter Viagra. I thought, “That sounds powerful.” Over the counter, you say? Thunk. It’s a medication, Viagra. You’ve got to take these things seriously. So I was reading the side of the box of the Viagra they sold me. It said on the side of the box, “Keep away from children.” I thought, “What kind of a man do they think I am… that can’t maintain an erection with a child?” Well, that joke separated the men from the boys. Somewhat ironically. I’m not a big fan of the predictive text. It makes you look like an idiot when you text a lady saying you want to put your massive clock in her hairy aunt. I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said to me, “You treat this house like a hotel.” I said, “I have never snorted cocaine off a hooker’s tits in this house.” That is a joke. I have never paid for sex. Which has upset a lot of prostitutes. Shane’s mum. A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say, I “arrived early.” And my girlfriend said, “Don’t worry, that happens to a lot of men.” I said, “Right. A couple of things. Firstly, who are these ‘a lot of men’? And, secondly, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?” My girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before. That is awkward. But not as awkward as the time she woke up during it. “Hello, love. You’re up early.” “Yeah, I was just getting on with a little bit of sex. Yeah. I’ll make you a cup of tea when I’m finished.” That’ll help get rid of the taste.” It’s a great feeling when you get a woman you’ve been chasing for… miles. I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met, but she said, “Don’t make me go back there, Mr. Jimmy. I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I’ll be better.” I worry about that joke. Is that just razy lacism? I didn’t used to talk about sex at all. I was very repressed, very uptight. Very British about the whole thing. Now I’ll talk to anyone about anything. Here’s an example. Here’s a detail from my life I don’t mind sharing with the good people of Dublin. My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse, but it’s not a problem, because I… can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. She spat it back in my face. I was pretty into it actually, yeah. When my first girlfriend choked to death… it was a terrible blow. Yeah, I had to finish myself off. I was in bed with a girl recently. She said to me, “I want tonight to be magical.” And it was. After I fucked her… I disappeared. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lubricant. Have you all had the classic bar room conversation, if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Classic heterosexual male, bar room conversation. Have you had it? No? You haven’t? Okay. Well, forewarned is forearmed. I’ll tell you how the conversation is meant to go. If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, you’d go with. Johnny Depp. Pirates Of The Caribbean, gorgeous Johnny Depp. That’s not how the conversation’s meant to go. I’ll tell you how the conversation’s meant to go. So you’re in a bar, with a friend, drinking, taking it easy, chatting about life and news and sports. Out of nowhere, your friend says to you, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to sleep with a man, who would that man be?” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to though.” “I just wouldn’t.” “But if you had to, who would it be?” “I wouldn’t, so it wouldn’t be anyone.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to.” “I just wouldn’t though.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “No.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to sleep with a man.” “I would not sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to” “I wouldn’t sleep with a man.” “But if you had to.” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to” “I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man.” “Well…” “Poof.” That’s how that conversation’s supposed to go. It doesn’t always go like that. Of course not. Sometimes you say, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and they go, “Johnny Depp.” Don’t feel bad about that. Not the worst answer I’ve ever had. The worst answer I ever had, I did a gig in London… and I was picking on this guy front and center, where you’re sitting, sir, and he got so flustered, like a deer in the headlights flustered, I said, “If you had to sleep with a man, who would it be?” and he went… “My brother.” Let’s hear from the ladies. Give us a shout, all the ladies in the room. You sound in great spirits. Do you think you’re easy to live with, ladies? Well, this is going to be educational and fun. Gonna tell you how easy you are to live with, with a couple of questions. First question, ladies. Have you ever met a gay man? You have. You’ve all met gay men. Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men tend to be? How joyful and carefree those gay dudes tend to be. “We’re going dancing, Barcardi Breezers. Hiya.” Always in such a great mood. What’s missing from their lives? You. Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not homophobic. Anyone that says I’m homophobic can suck my cock. As long it’s not a fella. It’s not natural. And I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes, because although I’ve never had sex with a man, I have fucked a girl ugly enough to count as a man. Shane’s mum. Sorry, Shane. Have you all had the sexual history conversation? It’s the conversation that happens about maybe six months into a relationship when things are getting a little bit serious and it tends to be the woman will ask the man. She’ll say, “I’d like to know about your sexual history.” And the man will think, “No, you fucking wouldn’t.” But in my experience, the woman doesn’t ask once and then move on if you don’t want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking and asking until eventually you feel like you have to give an answer. It’s what happened to me. I was cornered. I had to list everyone I’d ever been with. From the girl I’d lost my virginity to right the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped. What’s the most important thing in a relationship? What do you think? Trust. Dishwasher. Trust. What, sorry? A dishwasher. A dishwasher. God, has he even forgotten your name? He just calls you “The Dishwasher.” Any other thoughts? Most important thing? What, sorry? Money. You think money’s the most important thing. Can I have her washed and brought to my room? It’s a joke. Don’t bother washing her. There’s really no point. She’s going to end up looking like a plasterer’s radio. I think I’m with you. I think trust is the most important thing. Because if you’re with a woman and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s not going to tell your wife? Best answer I ever had on that, I was doing a gig in Glasgow in Scotland. I said, “What’s the most important thing in a relationship?” and a bloke went, “Consent.” Who’s drinking tonight? Are you drinking tonight? I like drinking when it gets a bit out of hand. Beyond beer, wine, spirits, into the crazy drinks you only order when you’re already hammered drunk. The flaming Sambuca is a prime example. No-one has ever ordered a flaming Sambuca while sober and the reason is clear. It’s on fire. It does not look refreshing. The only possible reason I could think of to order a flaming Sambuca when sober is if you’re with a woman and she’s something just a little bit special. She’s beautiful, and intelligent, and kind, and funny and you think, “Well, she could be the one.” But she’s got a bit of an issue with facial hair on the top lip. I know, that could be a very awkward thing to bring up, especially early on in a relationship. Much easier, I think, take her out for a couple of drinks. “Two flaming sambucas, please, my good man. No, I know I’m driving. They’re both for you, my little Fu Manchu.” Some young women drink so much, they black out and can’t remember what happened the night before. If that’s you, don’t worry. I made a video. Most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results, but they look… pleasantly surprised. Surely the best thing about getting a full face transplant… They can do them now. Full face transplants. Surely the best thing about that would be turning up at the donor’s funeral and going… Ooh. Come on, you would. I’ve got a new doctor who is stunningly attractive. Early thirties woman, raven black hair. I mean smoke show. She’s absolutely gorgeous. So the first time I met her, I was having an appointment in her office, the doctor’s office. So, I walked into the doctor’s office, my jaw hit the floor. I walked in and went… Alright? She went, “Come in, sit down.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “It’s very nice to meet you.” I went, “Okay.” She said, “Please, tell me what the problem is.” I said, “I’m embarrassed.” She said, “I’ve been a doctor for years, nothing I haven’t heard before. Just tell me what the problem is and I’m sure we can help you.” I said, “Okay. I think my cock tastes funny. I don’t know if there’s a test for that, but I’ve had an idea.” I think the best holiday I ever went on was the first time I went away with my mates. Our own choice of destination, our own money, our own passports, that sense of freedom and adventure. I’ll tell you what happened. We were 18, we finished school, finished our last exam, we all got summer jobs, worked the whole summer through and then, the day after the results came out, we went to Faliraki in Greece for two weeks. Sun, sea, sex and sand. That’s what we’re looking for. That is what we got. In those two weeks, I had sex with 12 different people. I’m not bragging. I was gang raped. You meet the locals. You see a different culture. Does anyone know what you’re meant to do if you get stung by a jellyfish? Does anyone know? Piss on it. Piss on it is the right answer. I’ll tell you this much, doesn’t work as well on shark bites. The boy’s family were livid. Apparently once they’ve been dead a couple of hours, there is very little you can do. No amount of piss is bringing them round. Would you like some behind the scenes, show business, how things are done? Would you like to know? Yes! Okay, what’s a good way to explain? You know when they’re filming with chimpanzees? It could be a commercial they’re filming or a movie or TV show. When they’re filming with chimpanzees, what they do is they give them peanut butter. It doesn’t occur naturally. It’s not in their regular diet in the zoo. And the reason they give it to them is because they’re not used to it. Because when they give them the peanut butter, it sticks to the roof of the chimpanzee’s mouth. It makes the chimpanzees go… And it makes it look like the chimpanzee’s talking. Well, that’s also how they make Keeping Up With The Kardashians. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend and I used to think he went everywhere with me and that I could talk to him and he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up and I stopped going to church. I know, I’ll be sorry when Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior comes back from the made up. I heard a reporter recently, a proper BBC journalist on the news, say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.” Well, yeah, obviously. It’s the bare minimum you need to qualify. I’ve never really understood it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die? Become a Catholic priest and have them now. Life’s for living. I was raised Catholic, and the thing that annoyed me about church when I was a kid was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling. I wished the priests could just pick a position and fuck me. I was in New Zealand on tour. I got in trouble while I was in New Zealand over a joke. I’ll tell you the joke. You can tell me what you think. All I said was this. “I was in Napier. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Christchurch. Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt, beautiful town. I was in Dunedin… I said, ‘I’ll tell you what this town needs…'” They went fucking mental. It turns out I was on very shaky ground. One of my best friends, who’s from New Zealand, I asked him how many sexual partners he’d had in his life and he started to count. And he fell asleep. Because the men from New Zealand sometimes fuck the sheep. Also, if you had quite mild insomnia, that might encourage you to count sheep and the repetitive nature of such a task might help you drift off to sleep. What jokes are essentially is two stories, and, in the first story, you’re forced to make an assumption that turns out to be erroneous. In the second part of the story, or punchline, it’s the sudden revelation of a previously concealed fact. They all work in a similar way. It’s probably easiest if you just join in with the others. My girlfriend often says, “You never tell me how much you love me.” I don’t want to upset her. I’ve been with the same girl for 18 years. She still gets annoyed if I use her toothbrush. That’s crazy, isn’t it? Yes. You don’t think that’s crazy? If you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of shoes, I’d love to hear about it. I’m in a long-term relationship, but I’m not married. Is anyone else in the same boat? A few of us. You probably don’t want to say, a lot of you, because people are dicks about it. I’ll introduce my girlfriend to someone at a party. People we don’t know, they’ll find out how long we’ve been together, and immediately, perfect strangers going to me, “Have you thought about… You two, thought about… Ever thought about? Ever talked about? Ever thought about you two… Ever thought about? Ever talked about?” They’re not politely inquiring. They’re trying to stir up a fight between me and my girl. Well, fuck that noise. So if ever I get the, “You ever thought about…” I always think, “What? Putting a third finger in? I’ll give it a go. I’m not sure if it’s what the relationship’s missing, but I’ll bloody try it. Thanks, vicar.” Maybe try the shocker. Two in the pink, one in the stink. That’s how that works. Sorry, you’re only young. Two in the goo, one in the poo. There. I bought my girlfriend lingerie for the first time just last Christmas. So 18 years in… I didn’t do it the first couple years and then it became a big deal in my head and I didn’t want to get it wrong. So last November, we were wandering through Soho and, as we walked past Agent Provocateur, this very fancy lingerie store, as we walked by, my girlfriend looked up at a mannequin and there was a bra and panties on the mannequin and she went, “They’re nice.” Very unlike her. So the next day, I went back, bought the bra and panties that she said were nice. They came in this beautiful presentation, velvet-lined box, and they were pinned to the back of the box, beautifully displayed for Christmas. Quite expensive, but very nice. Anyway, Christmas morning rolls round a month later. She’s forgotten about the whole thing. She opens up the box. She was absolutely thrilled. She went… “These are beautiful, darling. But they’re not my size.” I said, “Don’t worry, I’ve had a chat with the lady in the shop and she says you can have an operation.” “Those bra and panties, that’s like Cinderella’s slipper. That will fit the woman I want.” To keep things fresh in the bedroom, we do a little bit of role play. I’d recommend it if you’re in a long-term relationship. How it works is she pretends to be a nurse and I pretend… I’m still attracted to her. That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people that thought that was funny, and then there are unattractive women. M y girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex, because she likes to be able to read. Which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of that age. I’m not in favor of all kinds of group sex. I’m not in favor of the two guys, one girl threesome, for the simple reason, I never want to see another man’s happy face. Because women, when they orgasm, look beautiful and serene. I’ve seen it in magazines and films. Men, when they orgasm, look as if they’re drinking vinegar through their eyes. Jesus, dude, you’re like a turtle shitting. Sorry. I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time and she agreed. But then she was livid when I told her she wasn’t either of them. I did have a threesome once, many years ago. I was in my mid-20s, I was seeing this girl, not that serious a relationship, but it transpired she had a twin. So I asked. You don’t ask, you don’t get. There’s a lesson in life. I asked, I got, and I’m glad I did. It was fucking awesome. Because, if anything, her twin was better looking than her and an all-round great guy. Yeah, you knew something was coming. But you didn’t know it was going to be her brother in her. Sometimes, you can sense that a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night. You think, “This doesn’t feel right, you’re my best friend. You’re not even allowed on the couch.” “Bad dog! Down, boy.” I didn’t fuck a dog. We made love. Men over-promise in the bedroom. Not just me. I think all men are guilty. Men are full of the… “I’m going to make love to you all night long.” Are we though? Really? Like every man in this room, the only time I’ve ever wanted to have sex twice is before I’ve had sex once. “I’m going to make love to you all night long. Or, until I get sleepy.” “Let’s see which comes first.” “I came first.” “Night night.” You look like a ventriloquist’s doll. What’s it like to get fisted by men? So that was I look like a ventriloquist’s doll, and then you add… That’s insulting enough. And then you added because I like to get fisted by men. If you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. You posh cunt. A lot of people think I’m posh. I’m not that posh. Who thinks I’m posh? Well, compared to you, yes, but… I’m not as posh as people think. I went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge. I’ve got a question just for the ladies in the room. All women I know have got a very clear line. On one side of the line, things they’re happy, comfortable, confident and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner. On the other side of the line, things they’ve been asked to do by a man that they said, “No, that is not happening.” What I would like to know, ladies, what is the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do by a man? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? I don’t mean reverse park or wash up. I mean… Within a sexual context, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve been asked to do? Stick a finger in their bum. “Stick a finger in their bum.” I said, “What’s the weirdest thing?” Maybe you didn’t hear. Weirdest thing a man’s asked you to do. Pee on him. Pee on him? Had he been stung by a jellyfish? He wanted you to do a wee on him? Now, how long had you been with the guy before he said, “Would you mind doing a wee on me?” Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes? I’m not sure you weren’t just walking past a tramp, love. Any other interesting ones? Anyone been asked to do anything weird, ladies? Be a dog. What, sorry? Whoa, shut up! This sounds very interesting. What was that? Be a dog. Did you say, “Be a dog”? Yes. What did that involve? What did you have to do? A collar and a leash. You had to wear a collar and a leash? And be a dog? Man’s best friend. What did he say? “I’m going to give you a bone.” I’m not expecting more answers. This is just my favorite bit of the show. Because I enjoy looking at nervous men. I can see men… I can see you out there, sir. I can see you with your hand on your partner’s leg. What are you applying? 200-300 pounds’ worth of pressure? You haven’t said anything to her, have you? You just gave her a look that said, “Shut your fucking mouth.” “I just wanted to try it. It’s only a finger. It doesn’t make me gay.” I’ve got a theory about sex within long-term relationships. Because the received wisdom in our society is that men ask for sex. It’s the man that says to the woman, “Do you want to go upstairs for a bit of how’s-your-father, a bit of slap and tickle, a bit of sticky belly?” It’s a medical term. The idea that men have got a sex drive and women are merely passive. I call bullshit, I reckon it’s about 50-50 in most heterosexual relationships, asking for sex. But the reason you don’t notice as much when women ask for sex is because, when women ask for sex in a long-term relationship, it happens. She doesn’t have to ask twice. Trust me, if you’ve been with a woman for 18 years and she says, “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yep.” It doesn’t matter what else is going on. You could be full of flu. “Yep.” You could have just received devastating news. “Yep. I’ll call them back.” You could have just been shot in the leg by her. “Come on. We’ll talk about this after.” But, as a man, sometimes you’ll proposition the love of your life, the woman you live with. You’ll say, “Shall we do the bad thing?” She’ll say, “No.” And then she’ll give you some mercurial, strange reason as to why you couldn’t possibly have sex at this moment in time. And then you can’t think of a counter argument because all the blood is somewhere else so you can’t focus. So I thought, why don’t we workshop it? What reasons have you heard, gentlemen, for not having sex? She has to pick Shane up from school. “She had to pick Shane up from school.” Very good. Shane, it would appear you’re getting fucking rinsed on Netflix, my friend. Hope you’re cool with that. Any other reasons for not having sex, gentlemen? What else have you heard? Headache. Headache. Classic. Easy to deal with as well. If a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got a headache,” just say, “I’ll be right at the other end. I literally couldn’t be further away from that problem. Also, I’m fucking you. We’re not doing Sudoku. You’re not going to need your wits about you for this.” We might be overheard. You might be overheard? You’re worried about making noise. Yeah. Stick around after the show, sir. I could teach you how to make love to a woman so the loudest she’s going to be is… Hmm. Possibly an, “Is it in yet?,” but nothing that’s going to wake anyone up. Any other… What, sorry? Tired. Tired is probably the most common these days. I think if a woman says she’s tired, you’ve got to listen. You’ve got to acknowledge. Feedback, so she knows she’s been heard. And then make a suggestion. I know that sounds obvious, but there’s a huge difference between making a suggestion to a woman and making a demand on a woman. Make a suggestion. If she wants to go with it, great. If not, you’ve got to respect that. So if a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex. I’m really tired,” I’d say, “Well, of course, you’re tired. I hear you.” “You’ve got the house. You’ve got the kids. You’ve got work. You must be exhausted, love. So why don’t you, and it’s just a suggestion, but why don’t you do what you normally do and just fucking lie there?” “You lazy fucking cow.” Any other excuses for not having sex? On the blob. “On the blob.” Mr. Darcy’s in, ladies. Yeah, part of life, isn’t it? You know, period, menstruation. She’s up on bricks. The decorators are in. Liverpool are playing at home. She’s got the red devil in her belly. Aunt Flow has come to stay. She’s at the Women’s Institute… making jam. It’s shark week. Or, as most modern women these days prefer to say, on the blob. If a woman said to me, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got my period,” I would say, “Well, your arse isn’t bleeding… yet.” What I’d like to do now is torpedo this gig with some very edgy jokes. So then you can all leave thinking, “Thank fuck that’s over.” You’re welcome. Strap in, everyone. Let’s do this. I saw the chief of the New York City Police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, “I should fucking hope not, it’s your phone number.” Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls. Do they blow themselves up? If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral, she would be… spinning in her ditch. It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm, but apparently, I ruined that funeral. I was in a strip club, I saw a girl do a thing with a bottle. I was disgusted. Red wine with fish? Throwing acid is wrong in some people’s eyes. I saw a headline in the paper. It said, “Man held after rape.” I thought… “They cuddled?” I actually bought a rape alarm. Because I kept on forgetting when to rape people. Is it wrong… You be the judge. Is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theater “the cabbage patch”? Say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation, they can work to a deadline. That’s an unfortunate response from some of you, because that joke is only there to warm you up for this joke. I think the Make-A-Wish Foundation should be forced to change their name from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to the “No, Make Another Wish, We Can’t Do Anything About That” Foundation. I know. If only Africa had more mosquito nets, than every year we could save millions… of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. It’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thank you very much indeed. I appreciate it. That’s my show. Cheers, goodnight. ♪ I got money in the bank ♪ ♪ I got news for you baby You’re looking at the man ♪ ♪ I got skin in the game ♪ ♪ I don’t feel no pain ♪ ♪ I got news for you baby You’re looking at the man ♪ ♪ Who’s the man? Who’s the man? ♪ ♪ I’m the man, I’m the man ♪ ♪ Who’s the man with the plan? I’m the man ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

ROBIN WILLIAMS LIVE ON BROADWAY (2002) – FULL TRANSCRIPT

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/robin-williams-live-on-broadway-2002-full-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robin Williams! Thank you! Oh, please! Sit the fuck down! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [He puts his hands on the head of a woman with peach colored hair] Oh yes! Oh yes, my little salmon-head friend! That’s it! Good night! Thank you very much! Thank you for the standing ovation, you made the orgasm up front. Let’s have a cigarette, let’s relax. We’re here in New York, fucking New York! Yes! Obviously this is not gonna be your normal night of theater! This will be Shakespeare with a strap-on! So that’s the way you like it! Welcome to my lovely set which is from the musical “Fantastic Voyage”! Or maybe the last thing a clitoris sees! I’m over here! I’m down here! This is brought to you by HBO, which is subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America On Line… “You’ve got mail”. I hope you don’t have stocks! Welcome! Don’t be afraid! It was so reassuring the other day… George W. Bush talked to the stock market and… It must be him talking about business ethics it’s kinda like having a leopard give you a facial. It doesn’t really work! “A lot of our imports come from other countries”. No shit?! Moving right along… Meanwhile, Michael is protesting… I don’t know, baby… It was strange enough when Michael was the best man at Lisa’s wedding. That for me was like, “You’re pushing the term, my man”! That was a pretty short list. Was Richard Simmons hunting? – “What are you doing”? – “I’m the best man”! Now Michael is claming rasism. I’m going, “Honey, you gotta pick a race first”. “What are you claiming, mistreatment of elves”? “Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too. What are you going for”? “You were Diana Ross. Now you’ve just left it all behind”. Michael, you’re not a freak. You’re just surgically enhanced… And you spend more money than the Vatican. If you go to Neverland, it says “You must be this high to ride Michael”. Obviously, people and the lawyers for HBO are going, “Fuck”! But how fucked up do you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, “I’m outta here, man”! If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, even rats are going, “Man, that guy’s quick”! “From the Don King School of hair processing…” He’s running for office in Idaho on the “What a fucking, wild, crazy chance in hell you’ll be elected” ticket. Sorry, my lips just went, “What the fuck did you say”? Couple of dyslexic people went, “Thank you, Robin”! “Thank you”! We were worried about the pledge of allegiance. We were gonna say “One nation under dog”! It’s OK. I know people are going “I’ve got a cure for this”! “One nation under Canada, above Mexico”. But then you have to the whole… There’s anthems like “Someone bless America”! On the dollar bill, instead of “In God We Trust”, “In Gates We Trust”! “Mr. Gates, when did you realize you are creating monopoly”? “Monopoly is just a game, senator”. “I’m trying to control the fucking world”. Don’t you see Windows Millennium? It’s all leading to Information Technology. Soon it will be Total Information Technology, “TIT”. And when you’re sucking on the tit, I have you by the motherboard. Don’t be afraid! It’s a nice day in New York, my people. NY police have a catch and release program. Way to go! Stop! OK, go on again! You’re it! Get the fuck outta here! I like NY on a day like today. For a while everything went like “are you OK”?. People’re back to being newyorkers like “Have a nice day, asshole”! “Fuck you, my friend! Enjoy your day”! But the most beautiful thing about a day like today in this NY is that the ladies take the twins for a walk! Oh, yeah, the tities are out today! On a hot day all the tities are out there. And like God made them go… Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes and women running, they are going… And then they hit a breeze and “chicken’s done”! Yes! Yeah, baby! These are not like the tits in Vegas, where even God goes “I didn’t make those”! Weird tits. You know fake tits are like nazis. They don’t laugh, they don’t dance, they’re just… “I’m walking here”! I’ve seen a woman turn and the tits stayed there. Babies, lucky they don’t have any teeth becayse they’d knock them out. I’ve seen tits that are really bad, like they had the nipples on the top, it looked like Kilroy. When you go up Madison Avenue you see some hardcore surgery like… “I’m so scared, but I can’t express it”. These are the ladies who’ve had so much surgery, they’re going “What are these lumps under my eyes”? “Those are your tits, madam”! – And what’s this? – Don’t ask, Mrs. Trotski! This is good news for you. And girls getting Botox injections…? – Look, I don’t have any wrinkles. – You also have no expression. You look like you’ve had a slight coma, but you’re beautiful. When guys say to you “Baby, I want you to get your tits done for me, OK”? “Do it for me. Do it for your daddy man”. And you say “OK, daddy man”! “Then I want you to get your balls done for me, OK”? I want you to get those big old basket balls. So when you do the baywatch thing, it’s like… Nothing drives a woman crazy like a big old Easter basket on her bunny. So you go to the doctor… Payback’s a bitch! Go for it, girls! Because you went through a hard time. This whole winter was so bizarre. Temperatures were like 80, 20, 30, 50. It was fucking weird! The weathermen are going, “I don’t fucking know what’s going on”! “Let’s just see what happens”. Flowers were like Anne Heche going “I’m out, I’m in, I’m out…” “I don’t know where to go”! George came back from Japan, he went “I went to the Coyote Conference” – No, it’s Kyoto. – That’s a very good car. George, walk away. And they say there’s no global warming, but right now the North Pole is a pool. It is beyond global warming, at this point it is cooking. It’s 105 in the middle of the country, and people come up going, “Is it hot enough for you”? “No, I like sweat to be rolling down the crack of my ass like Niagra”. “I like my old man tities to lactate, my man”. You see people in shorts and you’re going “Please, don’t wear those”! “Oh please, don’t put those on”! If you go to South West Airline they’re going, “Sorry, you’re not fat, you’re horizontally challenged”. Big people at South West Airlines have buy two seats. The problem is that they are not together. And you have to put your tits in the overhead rack. People don’t mind now. We’re working our way through. All over the country you’ve got weird things. In Houston they got Enron field. “We were gonna call it 5th Amendment field but fuck…” We can’t call it “We’re fucked field”! “Arthur Anderson put in the chairs, they spin both ways”. And now Martha Stuart may become somebody’s bitch. No! Say it ain’t so! I like to consider it more like “severe companion”. If you only have one room, and I like to call it my “private space”, use the light well. You have vertical bars, don’t use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory. The first time she has lunch going “You call this keesh”? Shut up, bitch! You’re inside now, you’re mine! All over things have been going good. I’ve been to Memphis, to Graceland. I never knew that Ray Charles had a decorating license. They’re some severe… They’re colours there that have never seen daylight. I’ve been to Nashville, I’ve heard people sing songs like “Take your finger outta my ass, cause I’m leaving you behind”! Funny ass shit people do now. I’m sweatin’ like crazy up here. It’s HBO, cause it’s live. People playing baseball. You’ve got a good seat. Yankees are kicking again, way to go! You did a good job. It came through. Everybody’s worried about people playing baseball on steroids. Here’s one quick way you tell on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, “You’re out”! Poor Barry Bonds! They won’t pitch to him and when they do it, they’re trying to kill him. He’s like Yasser Arafat of baseball. For Jerusalem I have an interesting plan. It’s called a timeshare, like Miami, let’s try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter and Muslims will have Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Obviously, the people of HBO are going “Oh, fuck off”! “What are you doing, you asshole”! I’m very excited because this is my time when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man. I saw world cup, baby. There’s a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going “Uh, that’s like football without pads, right”? For the rest of the world, it’s football. For us, it’s “A strange sport, played by damaged people”. We made it in the World Cup. Everybody plays it. Not like the World Series, cause the French don’t have a baseball team. If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe. You know what I’m saying? What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore! The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out! We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don’t care! My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France. And every year the French go, “He is on chemicals”. “It’s chemotherapy, you little toad sucker”. Okay, he has one testicle, he’s aerodynamic. Everyone, cut off your balls. You’ll be quicker, do it! Don’t be afraid. When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it. We made it to the sixteen, baby! We’re no longer in the “Special Olympics” category. They used to see us coming “Give it to them, they’re damaged people”! Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I shoot the ball! Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like… And the fans are like… Brazilians are going “Look, I’m playing soccer…” “Look, I’m scoring”! “And now I’m kicking the ball”. Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive aggressive though. I didn’t do anything… What are you looking at? It’s not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes “Bang, motherfucker”! That’s why there are no Spanish hockey players. When a white guy takes a stick and goes… “Motherfucker, I’m going to cut you off now”! “And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, motherfucker”! “Coming in there! Goddamnit”! Sometimes guys do this weird thing… They fall down and pretend like… “I’ve been killed… I’ve been blinded…” “There’s nobody near me, huh? OK, I’m kidding”! And the referee comes over, “Yellow card”! Two yellow cards, “Red card”! Hold on, three cards, “Green card”! And the referee is so sweet, too. “What’s your name? Turn around”. “Why didn’t you call me after the Mexico game”? Not like football referees who have that “too much commercial time”! Mad white man dancing on the field! Moving away. Moving away. In the World Cup they always claim there’s bad refereeing, someone may have been paid off. Oh, shit, say it ain’t so! You’re telling me that the Oscars are also political? Fuck off! There’s a game mafia! The mov-hand! Fairy Godfather, “Does this pistol make my ass look big”? If you go to LA, there’s a great greeting these people do, “Love ya”! “Love you”! “Hey, love you”! The worst refereeing was in the Winter Olympics with the French judge. Once again, the French fuck with us! The Canadians, they skate perfectly. “We did it perfect, huh”! And then the Russians they come and fuck up and the French judge went, “How lifelike, they fucked up, I give it to them, eh”? At that point I’m going “Where is Tanya Harding when you need her”? Tanya would’ve been on that judge like shit on Velcro. “Give me that medal, you French whore”! “I won”! Instead we get to see Tanya fight Paula Jones in an all white trash weekend. Trailer park Tuesday! Tanya went right for the nose, “Not the nose, that’s the Clinton money”! Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco fights John Wayne Bobbit. There will be no hitting bellow the belt there, my friend. “Fuck, man, give that back! My balls are in the front row”! What’s next? “The Nixon daughters battle for the library money”. “Be there as my bitches go at it”! At this point, even Caligula is going, “What the fuck are you people doing”? Why don’t you have Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef just kick out the jams? Cause we’ve got The Chamber, The Chair, Fear Factor. People in Texas are going “We got those shows”. “We just don’t film’em”. Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. People in Texas are going, “Shit, where’s the fun now”? Cause they were zapping retarded people every other week. It was like, “Go sit on Santa’s lap, Timmy”. And I know the definition of “retarded” in Texas is pretty wide. It’s crazy! Even the Taliban is going “You are crazy motherfuckers”! There was a guy with one leg. They weren’t gonna give him a wooden leg. He was gonna be dead man hopping. There is a moment of compassion. Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab, which is so nice! “What the fuck are you doing”? “We don’t want you to get that last-second infection”! “It’s all safe now”. You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place! What, was Amish country booked, what happened? “Come on down to Salt Lake! We’re gonna party like it’s 1955”. “Bring your wives. Oops! Come on down”! At the closing ceremony they introduced Donnie and Marie, as the first couple of Utah. I went “Uh-uh, honey, no! They’re only a couple in Arkansas”. If you’re going to Georgia, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up. Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn’t him. We’re at the Olympics once again, we’re talking about the figure skating. I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy. Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That’s not good. There’s that pairs figure skating. There’s that one very special lift. Where the male skater goes… Right here! Where even a gynecologist would go “Put on a glove, man”! Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? And I’m going “Let’s cut the foreplay,” “let’s have ice fucking, come on”! And she holds on without her hands! Even the French judge would go “I like it”! “I don’t care. I’m giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians”! “So fabulous”! There’s other kinda sexual things in the Olympics, there’s the louge, about which I have only one question. What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? “You know what? I want to dress like a sperm,” “shove an ice skate in my ass,” “and go balls first down an ice chute”. “Ya! That would be fun”. No! This is for pussies! – How will you stir? – I will do kegels! “I will flex my ass and go down the ramp”! And do not talk to me about the two men louge. I’m saying “Boys, get a room”! “Make that turn, you bastard, make it”! “Hard right, you fucker, hard right”! Pour guy gets to the end of the run “I got wood man, I’m sorry”! “You cost us the race”! “Your penis going frr was 200 of a second winds resistance”! “We could’ve won if you weren’t going brrring”! “Dolphin boy”! There’s always some horrible drug scandal. This year was a Spanish cross-country skilor… Skilor, which is like a skier. – Are you a skilor? – Yes! They accused him of taking some performance enhancing drug. Like an elephant growth hormone. “Are you on some sort of drug”? “Are you taking an animal tranquilizer”? And they didn’t bother drug testing the snowboarders. “Go, go my little boys, have fun”! I guess they realized the word “half pipe” meant something. Remember the kid who won the gold medal? He was in freestyle. – You wanna be on a box of Whities? – No. Count Chocula. A-ha! A clue, Sherlock! The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one. Number two, they said that marijuana was a “performance-enhancing drug”. Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you’re stoned, you’re lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it’s a performance-enhancing drug is if there’s a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you’ll be like… Then you’ll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, “I’m there”! Pour Canadian snowboarder. They asked for his medal back and he couldn’t find it. It was around his fucking neck! Get out of here, you little goofy Canadian bastard, eh? They have weird sports like the Biathalon which is like Norwegian drive-by. “Get the TV, Hans”! The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey. God bless you Canadian people. You’re so fucking nice, eh? It’s your only fucking sport, come on! That and a mutant form of football. “We’ve got 13 men, we have a longer field” “No, you have fun, enjoy”! Canada’s like a loft apartment over a really great party. “Keep it down, eh”? “We are nice. We have Jean Chritien, our great prime minister”. He was the only man in the world who said, “I don’t need no secret service” “If a guy comes to hit me, I fucking knock him out, eh”? “I’m Jean Chritien which versus your president, who’s a cretin”. Quebec keeps wanting to break away from Canada, but still keep the currency. It’s like a kid moving out of the house, -But I still would like to get money. -Fuck off you! Canadian money is also called the Looney. How can you take an economic crisis seriously? – The Looney is down! – Oh, how sad for you! What are you saying, eh? Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight. “Security was amazing at the Olympics”. Utah’s the whitest fucking State in the Union! An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice! – We found one! – He’s just tanned. Everybody off! The problem was that there was basically white powder everywhere. All the dogs looking for anthrax were going “You go, man, you go”! Pour dogs they looked for anthrax and cocain. In the cage at the end of the day they’re going “I can’t taste my ass, I don’t know why…” “It’s my tail”! Meanwhile your cat sits over there going “You’re still an asshole, you know that”. Is it me, or are cats drag queens? The way they kinda go “Who loves Kitty”? “Are these your shoes”? Who loves Kitty? Who loves Kitty? Male cats have that amazing thing, where they kinda walk around going “That’s mine”! “Mine”! “I like that too”. Thank God men aren’t like that! “Nice car, Bob. Mine now”! – What are you doing? – Just shopping! The whole anthrax thing had people going… They said “Don’t open your mail”! – Why? – There’s white powder in envelopes. “Really”!? “Your mother and I used to look for white powder in envelopes”! “We weren’t on-line. We did lines, my friend”. “And there were ninjas on the fucking lawn, trying to kill us”! And now, there are people trying to kill us. And that’s why I bought a gas mask. I can’t even get a condom on when I want to! “Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on”. “I’ll be right with you, honey”. “Don’t go away on me now”. You’re playing “Beat the cock”. “I got it, I got it”! There’s your penis like a midget in a diving suit… “I don’t think we’re going in today, Pete”. “We didn’t make the deadline”. Remember when they sent anthrax to Tom Daschle’s office? And they cleared that fucking place out. “Everybody out, come on”! Helmets, suits, they’re all leaving. And when the Congressman walked out they go “But the rest of you, go about your lives”. “Everything is perfectly OK”. “We’ll be miles away”. It’s like when you go to the dentist and he puts a little lead bib over your balls. He walks behind concrete, going “You’ll be fine”! How can you tell if Congress was sick? It’s night of the living dead anyway. All those old senators going “The confederate flag is just the symbol of state’s rights”. Yeah, and the swastika is just a Tibetan good luck charm. When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt? He’s huge! You’re a Kennedy, not a Maisy’s day float, come on! Bring him down. We’re voting! Step away, boy. “I said no to the Crispy Cream”. Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they’ve done, is PUBLICLY approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows? I know there’s a cure for bio terrorism that they sent at us. And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go, “Anthrax? All right…” “Doesn’t go with my E. cola, but fuck”! Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I’ve seen him go to a drug dealer who said “I’m out, man”! “I have nothing left”. Supposedly he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolette, all of it. I just wanna know who gets his blood? Some old Swiss man’s going, “Heidi! We’ve gotta go on tour, you bitch”! “We’ve gotta pay for mixed babies”. We may all be dead and gone, Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. Keith’ll go, “I smoked your uncle, did you know that”? “Fucking crazy…” Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, “I don’t know where. I don’t know when”. “But something awful’s going to happen”. “Thank you, that’s all for today, no further questions”. Excuse me, can you give me a clue? What is it, the Central “Intuitive” Agency now? Are you working with Miss Cleo? “I don’t know where, I don’t know when,” “but somethin’ awful’s gonna happen”! “And definitely don’t marry that fat man”. “He only wants you for your money, girl”! People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I went “Fucking duh”! What do you want? A blind tarot card before you go, “A-ha”! If she’s a psychic, why does she need a fuckin’ phone number? Number two, that fake Jamaican accent? If she was a real psychic, she’d be one of those Louisiana psychics going, “You gonna die”! “They have to puck your ass up” “so they can pull a place for your bike, come on now”! It’s like buying hair care products from Cher. She’s wearing a wig, you idiot! Take that abdominal thing… “Help you lose weight” “while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching TV”. “I’m getting six-pack abs by knocking my testicles around”! You strap that to your head. And say, “I will not buy stupid shit for no reason”! Now we are in troubled times. When it happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of “Give me your tired and your poor,” it would be her with a baseball bat going “You want a piece of me”? There was hardcore security. In NY stopping people in the tunnel.. In Washington they had F-18s flying, air cover everywhere. In San Francisco, not so hardcore security. At Golden Gate Bridge there’s a Hummer, and I’m talking about the car. One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen, same at the other end of the bridge. The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are in jungle camouflage. For those who never been to SF, the bridge is bright orange. So I feel like going “Be vewy, vewy quiet”. “We’re wooking for tewwowists”. Airport security, before all this happened it was like, “Beep, OK, get on the plane, come on”. “What’s that? Oh, that’s a gun. OK, get on the plane”. You could carry a four inch blade, that’s about that long. Now, you can’t even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you’re gonna go “All right”! “Give me the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle”. “I have a nail file. I can be irritating”. And if you have a steak or any piece of meat, they won’t give you a knife. So it’s like “Quest for Fire” flight. “Sir, you’re making a lot of noise”. The Hindu man in the back is going “Hold the bowl higher”. “Don’t be afraid to beg, use your hands.” Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends… “Take out your keys, sir”. “Tip of the iceberg”. For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. I’m sure that was his last wish. I’m sure Albert said, “Victoria, I’m dying”. “I want you to name a museum, a performance hall” “and a bolt through the cock after me”. “That will be Victoria’s Secret. Go, my darling”. “Sell little thongs to people like they had little anal floss”. And I’m talking heavily pierced. Not like Britney Spears “I’m a virgin”! Yeah and Michael Jackson is a father. Move on! I’m talking like a hoop through your nipple. You know, lady… I’m guessing! Just kinda the way your clothes are going… When you have a big hoop, what you’re gonna do? Tie up a pony? No! Or you have two. He’s and her’s towels, whatever you want! A towel down here, so you can wash up. Fun! It’s interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. Why did you do that? “To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathion”. “Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy” “like the feel of cold steel on his hot rod”. “But the problem is I ended up knocking out all my teeth” “and living in a trailer park with a man named Bubba”. That’s the trade-off, my darling. You get the tattoo with a barb wire when you’re 18 and by the time you’re 80 it’s fucking picket fence. And Madonna turns into Margaret Hamilton going, “I’m dying, melting”. Here’s what you wanna do. When I was growing up I didn’t have Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me! But I had National Geographic and the girls that got me crazy… You know the ones with the slinky neck going… Do that, drive your parents crazy when you come down the stairs… Or do the full ubangy go, “Mom, dad, it’s also a CD-player”. And you can take out the plate and jump-rope with your lower lip. Have fun! Watch grandma go “Shit”! Union guys going “Don’t touch it, Mr. Williams”! This shit is gonna be more precious than oil. Ten years from now, it’s already starting to happen. People going, “I got water”. “And if you want it cold, I got ice, motherfucker”. Going on the planes now, a sweet little Southern stewardess goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, before we board flight five,” “we’re just gonna do a few random bag checks”. “These are totally random”. “I’m just gonna read off a few names”. “Has’N’T’Been’ Seen”? “Akeem Been’Laid”? “Have’N’T’Been Fucked”? “Judy Smith”? Fourteen arabs and a blonde…? And every black and Hispanic man in the room is going “Thank you, God”! “Oh, yes, we’re off the list, motherfucker, yeah”! “They man’s gonna be fucking with you now, Habib”. “You better learn to go orderly”. They take the knitting needles from the eighty-year-old lady, “Why, cause I’m gonna knit an Afghan?” Give ’em to me! And the five year old kid, they’re patting him down, he’s going, “What are you doing? You’re not a priest, let go of me!” So you’ve had a problem too, I guess. Father pats little boys down, like, “Good game, boy, good game! Wash up Timmy, really wash up!” They catch them, but they had the divine witness protection program. Find the priest, here’s the pedophile, here’s the priest, find the pedophile… Don’t you ask, don’t you tell, you might end up right in Hell. Here’s your check, direct from Rome, buy yourself a brand new home. Isn’t it amazing? The Pope… Applause break number two. It was amazing when the Pope gathered all the cardinals in Rome and went… The only problem is, he’s dressed like Liberace’s stunt double. I have a solution, though! For problem priests, a little shock collar, going near a kid it’s like, “You know, Timmy…” “Tommy, I think…” Or the automated confessional, could be fun. “If this is a venal sin, press one”. “If this is a carnal sin, press two”. “If this is cardinal Law, please stay on the line”. “Because you have to remember, it’s not just a sin, it’s a felony”! So we have to keep track! Right now they’re up there watching. “Hi, Mr. Ashcroft”. We’re now under the offices of Homeland Security. Tom Ridge ever so often goes, “Today is a blue day, no, orange, red”! They had to be very careful picking that name “Homeland Security”. Couldn’t say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going “That’s a good one”! But Homeland Security, it sounds like Homefront Security, which was England during WWII. Old men with pitchforks and colostomy bags, defending England! There they were, Rudolph has personally… “I threw my colostomy bag, covered him in shite” and said “Get out of that fokker, you fucker, get out”! And I also find out now, that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so fucked up on cognac and champagne, that he didn’t do some of his great speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC, who also did “Winnie the Pooh”. “We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land”! “Eeyore and Tigger”! And, he was fighting against Hitler! A man who recently a book declared was a homosexual, and I always thought this was a clue! That and the leather and the dancing! We are now finding ourselves once again drown to England during these troubled times. Tony Blair, a militant liberal. Over here, George W. Bush, compassionate conservative. Sounds kinda like a Volvo with a gun rack, but… Over here, Tony Blair, a man who must adress the House of Commons, which is like Congress, with a two drink minimum, crazy place! – I believe my worthy opponents… – Oh, fuck off! “Shite, bollocks, you bastard! Fuck you”! Would someone remove Ms. Tatcher from the chamber? Tony said, “This heinous incident has brought us” “to the edge of oblivion…” “But our civilization shall endure”! And there’s poor W. going, “Shit, I can’t even spell that”. Cause you look at Bush and you realize it’s Bush 2.0. It’s a beta release. He came with certain bugs in the software. “This country will not be taken hostile,” oops, delete, delete, “hostage”. And you look at him and realize he has a short attention spam. “Our economy is going… oh, look at the kitty”. He kinda reminds me of the guy in college with a towel going, “Gotcha”! You just don’t want him to drive. Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift. That’s OK! Historically… You must look at it from a historical perspective. He’s George the second. The boy-king. A man we thought could only lose, but somehow won, because of confused Hebrews. Yes! W. doesn’t speak while Channey’s drinking water. Check that shit out! When everything went down, they put W. out there, but they protected Channey. Channey had an angioplasty. Most people wait ’til it heals. He was like, “I’m perfectly fine”! “I’m OK”! And there’s Ashcroft in the back, “Work the arms, you asshole”! You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man who lost to a dead man in Missouri. Choices in Missouri were John Ashcroft, Dead Man. And people in Missouri went, “I’m sorry John, the dead man scares me less than you do”. Here’s the drill for me. You know what’s strange? It doesn’t scare me that Dubya waved at Stevie Wonder; that’s okay. Stevie’s only been blind since birth! He’s like, ‘Stevie!’ and Stevie’s going, ‘Is that muthafucka waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I’m lookin’ for him? Goddamn!’ No, what scares me is that Dubya almost died from a fucking pretzel! They have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more, to up the stakes, and the President almost goes down from snack food! Secret service are like ‘Game’s over man!’ ‘Gilligan’s down! Gilligan’s down! His own dogs didn’t care! They were licking him for the salt! [Pantomime’s Bush’s dog licking his face] You want a dog like Lassie, a dog who cares! [Pantomimes Lassie giving Bush Heimlich maneuver, then barks] What’s a matter, girl? President swallowed something, and you gave him the Heimlich? [Barks] What else, girl? [Feeble woof] Mr. Cheney’s meeting with the Enron people? [Barks again] An Enron employee, secretary of the navy? [Barks again] What about the Harken loan? [Barks] Sorry girl, gonna have to put you down! Oh, Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are coming. Welcome, boys and girls, to Disney’s new ride. Investment pirates of the Caribbean. Your money checks in, it doesn’t check out. Sometimes you catch George unprepared and he says unusual things. – Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do? – We’re gonna conduct a crusade. And everybody in the room went… Ix-nay on the ucrade-say! All throughout the Middle East… Hide the women and children and the number zero, they’re coming! And you can’t bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age because they’ll go “Upgrade. Fun”! Today’s bombing raid has enlarged the hole from yesterday’s bombing raid. We have moved trouble from here, to here. Goat in the upper right corner, possible member of the Taliban, or “concubine”, we’re not sure. We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise missile up its ass and were successful. Operation “Extreme Redundancy” is carrying on! Then we started to drop bombs, food, food, bombs. And here’s the fun part. Some of the bombs were little yellow bombs, and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you’re playing “Survivor The Real Game”. “OK Bob, I was here yesterday… I’m gonna go for this one today…” And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, and all you need is honey-baked ham and you got a Redneck Christmas. Who dropped the honey-baked ham on the Muslims? Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number one, it tastes a shit load better than dirt. Number two and more importantly, very difficult to have a call to Jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter. Secondly, or thirdly, for those keeping track… Afghanistan is a hasheesh smoking culture. And everyone who’s ever been a friend of the Hooka will go, “Pop-Tarts”! Yes! Got milk? Come and get me! We’re trying to win hearts and minds. How do we do that? Do we build an amusement park “Muslim Mountain” with Gadafi Duck? No! Do we have a wet burger contest? No! Do we play Cat Stevens records all day? Fuck off! Drop Martha Stuart’s tits? No! Do we have a children show called “Saudi Dudi”? No! What we must do is we gotta get a sister. You know what I’m sayin’? You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn. You know what I mean, a-ha, girl? You know what I’m sayin’? One of those bitches you see on Jerry Springer. Drop her ass in Kabul and she’ll go, “Girl, you don’t have to dress like a mother fucking bee keeper”! “You don’t have to be Casper’s bitch, forget all that”! “If he picks up a rock, cause you’re talking to another man,” you pick a bigger rock and say “Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker”! “He tries to cut off your clitoris, make you a Barbie doll,” you grab a knife and say “Lorena Bobbit time”! “Don’t make me go cobra, I will go Oprah on your ass. Don’t make me”! We’re dealing with fundamentalists… The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don’t try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you’re ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse’s ass, that’s a mechanic. Who are we looking for? Osama bin Laden, one of 52 children. Even Freud would say, “He has issues”. What does he look like without the beard? Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand? I don’t know, I don’t care! I know this he’s a six foot five Arab on dialysis… Why is that so fucking hard to find? Look for somebody attached to their luggage. When you see the tapes of him, you see a psychopath. Wait a minute. We have some of our own! Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around with nothing to do. Ted’s played “A Beautiful Mind”, the home game. You give Ted a mailing list and some tools… Ted, these people have been bad. – Are they bad? – Very bad! – I just want a few things. – I know you do! Or we get Charles Manson. Great organizer, incredible with chicks. You can’t use him. Chucky all the time comes out for parole with a swastika on his forehead. – I’m better. – In many ways, yeah. – What would you do if you got out? – I’d kill everybody. What are we dealing with? One of the fundamental things is in a Jihad. Sounds like a country western term like “jee-ha”! And if you are in a Jihad and you kill an infidel which, I’m sad to say, is all of us, and you yourself die… you go to heaven and you are greated by 71 dark-haired virgins. Now everyone who’s ever been with one virgin is going… “I don’t know…” “For my talent portion…” Recently, there was a article in the New York Times, a Coran scholar said “The actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins,” “but 71 crystal clear raisins”. Slight difference in interpretation, really. It’s like finding out “thou shalt not kill” is “thou shalt not wear a kilt”. And the Scotish are going, “Fuck off”! Imagine some guy blows himself up, goes to the gates of Heaven sayin’, – Where are my bitches? – Here’re your raisins. Or 71 Virgils going, “You got a pretty mouth”! Osama bin Laden goes to the gates of Heaven, there’s George Washington waiting, “How dare you defile that what we created” and starts violating on his ass. 70 other members of the Congress start kicking the shit outta him. And then he’s going, “Where’re the virgins”? “71 Virginians, you asshole”! “I must talk to Jesus Christ”! “Where is Jesus Christ”? And Saint Peter goes, “Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab”? I heard it. Finally the PCs. We crossed the politically correct line. It’s OK to beat the shit out of them, but don’t do the Ethnic joke. How Buddhist of you! Remember when they destroyed the two Buddhas? What did Buddha do? Nothing! What does the Buddhist terrorist do? Goes in the middle of the street, takes the gas… Self barbecue! People’re killing each other in the name of God’re going, “What the fuck are you doing”? “Making you deal with your shit”. I don’t understand the whole fundamentalist thing. I’m an Episcopal. That’s catholic light. Same religion, half the guilt. It’s frightening. Catholics have confession, episcopals have Thanks Giving, your dad has a couple of gin and tonics… “I never loved you mother, you know that, don’t ya”!? “I didn’t, dad. And she’s right there. Tell her again”. Episcopal is basicly Church of England which was Henry the 8th breaking away from the Catholic Church going, “I’m the fucking Pope now”! Then people broke away from that church, the Calvinists found him to be too loose. Then the Puritans broke away from the Calvinists, our ancestors, people so uptight, the English kicked them out. How anal do you have to be for the English to go “Get the fuck out”! “Take your pimp shoes and go”! And they land here in America going “Hello”! “We bring you guilt, syphilis and alcohol”. “Here chief, try this and once you drunk it,” “keep moving towards your feathers float. There you go”! And the Indians go “We have a gift for you”. “For us is a sacred herb. For you it will be an addictive carcinogen”. “Tobacco is a lot of fun. And a good cash crop, yeah”. “Welcome to Custers. The Casino that cares”. “This is my wife, Sits-with-a-full-house”. “It is now time for the white man to get drunk,” “and we’ll get back the land you took from us”. The Puritans stayed here and groups broke away from them and then we got the people who knock on your door at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday going, “Have you found Jesus”? You just wanna come to the door nude and go “No, help me look for him! Come on”! People like Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell say “This was brought upon us by our sinful ways”. I wanna put them on a plane, take them to the ayatollah and have world wide fundamentalist wrestling. “One time only. A life after death match for all of our souls”. “Let’s get ready to humble”! Here’s the drill. Fundamentalists take it to be “the word”. Not translatable, not metaphorical, “the word”. In the Genesis, “Let there be light”! Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang? “No. God just went click”. We are all descendant from Adam and Eve, then we are all cousins? “That’s right”! There are miracles in the Bible. Like when Moses, and I’m not talking “Guns ‘N’ Moses”, no! Not Charlton Heston going, “Let the Jews go or the pharaoh gets two in the head”! Charlton Heston, a man who said, “Guns don’t kill people. Apes with guns kill people”. No, Chucky! The second amendment started from people going like this… And that still continues. That’s OK! When Moses said to pharaoh “Let my people go”. And pharaoh went “In your dreams”! And Moses called the God, “God, I need some help”! And frogs fell from the sky. Or maybe there were Jews with catapults going “Now”! Thank God it wasn’t the French, cause they would go “Lunch”! “You’re great caterers, I can’t let you go, you crazy people”! Frogs fell from the sky. I would be going “Get your shit and out”! I said wait a minute! That’s what we should drop on Afghanistan. Not bombs, not food… Fucking frogs! Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils, shit they haven’t seen. If you wanna get people out of caves, a shit load of NY rats. NY rats would be going “Hey, come on, raid”! “I eat pussy literarly. Bring it on”! Even then pharaoh was not impressed “Please, David Copperfield, no”! And then boils and then first born dies. “That’s it! Hebrews get out”! And everybody… “Let’s not wait for the bread to rise”. “Just get the crackers and the skin off your penis, we’re leaving”! Excuse me! Why the skin off the penis? “We’re travelling, people. You don’t want sand in there”. “And this is so passe! The dicky thing, forget it. Let’s move”! We’re going to the desert. Then they get the 10 commandments, that would be adjusted later by certain presidents. And they get to the Red Sea. And they go “What now, Mr. Magic, what do we do now”? We’re gonna walk on the “fregs bocks”, the “frogs bucks”… Frogs backs! Thank you for watching me this far. Obviously, I did inhale. “What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot”? And he calls to God again and the sea parts. And even the most doubting Jew is going “You’re good”! Let’s move, don’t eat the shellfish, I’ll tell you why later. “Where are we going?” To Jerusalem to start years of struggle, and then later to Miami to fuck up an election.  And then the pharaoh comes, the sea closes and he calls to his cat-like God but the cat-like God can’t do shit, cause it’s afraid of water. And then there’s another miracle. The night that Mary said to Joe “Joe, I’m pregnant”. Joe went “Holy Mother of God”! She went “You’re right”! – Oh, Jesus Christ! – What a great name, Joe! “That is so much better than Shmul. Way to go”! – I love you, Joe! – Hold on a minute, Mary. – So I’m the step father of God’s kid? – Yeah. “I can’t discipline him, I can’t tell him he’s wrong,” cause he’ll look to me saying “You’re not my real dad”. – How did it happen? – It’s immaculate, Joe. “It better be, Mary! It better be immaculate”! I’m sorry I’m transforming Joe into Ralph Cramdon. Up to that point, all the names in the Bible are very Jewish. You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee and then you get Mary and Joe. We’re just a hyphenate away from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob. We could’ve had Jim Bob, the son of God. Praise to him, Jim-Bob. He, who finds the stuff And gets me a job, Jim-Bob! Jesus was an only child. Thank God! Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? That’s a tough gig. “Come on, Jerry, we’re going to the beach”. “Jesus’s gonna walk on the water, feed everybody, heal them” “and get a whole bunch of disciples”. “I’ll sat there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me”! He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going: “Yeah, I’m Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo”! “Yeah, I healed somebody. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that”! “Jesus is a carpenter, I’m a plumber. You do the math”! And people say to me Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. Working in his father’s business, his mother thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up! It’s an old tradition! And if he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish, for the Last Supper, would they have not gone out for Chinese? “Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on one minute, no service, no sandals”. “OK, you come in now”. “You’re twelve. All I got is two tables of six. They’re not together”. “I got one big table by the window, but you all have to face this way”. “You are glowing, so I guess we won’t need that lamp, that’s very nice”! “You’ve just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!” It’s said that night, Jesus turned to his disciples, and said “One of you shall betray me”. Peter said, “Is it me, Jesus”? Jesus said, “It is not you Peter”. Simon said, “Is it me, Jesus”? Jesus said, “It is not you Simon”. And Judas said “Is it me, Jesus”? And Jesus turned to him “Is it me, Jesus”!? Thus you see two traditions beginning Jewish sarcasm and gentile humor. Together born! The next day the miracle occurred. Crucifixion, Resurrection, and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow another 2,000 years of guilt. Yes! For me, the one big question is how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? How do you do that one? Even kids are going “Rabbits don’t lay eggs. What is this”? And you don’t want a kid bitting the head off a chocolate Jesus. You don’t want a cream filled cross going… You don’t wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going “We’re looking for Jesus, kids, come one”! What are we trying to do? You’re trying to keep them involved. That’s why we have all the saints that did all those amazing things. They’re all there to keep your action up. And then we’re starting to lose them. Like Saint Christopher… “Chris, sorry, babe. Dashboard sales are down”. “The medals aren’t selling well”. “Drop the kid off your back, pick up your stuff, you’re outta here”. “We’re gonna have Saint Prada, all ladies accessories”. But I want a saint like Mother Teresa. She said “You can do only small things with great love”. And Pat Robinson said “She’s not a real Christian”! “Why? Cause she doesn’t have tag shelter and a university”? Mother Teresa never had a line of products, her own perfume… “Compassion” by Mother Teresa. “I smell, because I care. Compassion”! Gandhi never had “Gandhi Jeans”… “Whether you’re simply not eating or telling the English to get the fuck out”! “They come in size one and below”. Gandhi was an amazing man. They asked him “What do you think about Western civilization”? He said “I think it would be a wonderful idea”. As beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going “I know Gandhi. He was a prick”. “I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog, hitting on Mother Teresa”. “He kept saying Who’s your diaper daddy”? “I saw that with my eyes”. “If you don’t believe me, I’ll bitch slap you like Shiva”. “Don’t press this. Don’t fucking do that”! “Don’t go ding-dong, you asshole”! “Cause India has the atomic bomb, my friend”. “I could turn this whole place into Chicken Tika”. India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. And we’re prepared to fight over Kashmir. And your president probably thought it was a sweater. What an asshole! India detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. Pakistan detonated 700 ground nuclear tests. And your spy satellites were like Ray Charles in the Louvre. They didn’t have a fucking clue. India has the bomb. Pakistan has the bomb. China has the bomb. Or maybe they just have one billion people go “Boom”! Russia has the bomb. “We have many bombs”. “We don’t know where they all are”! Maybe you want a dirty bomb. And the French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin bomb that only destroys restaurants under four stars. They still test their bombs. They still detonate their bombs. Where did they do the underground test? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? “Because we’re French”. “Oh, look a Green Peace boat’s come to protest”. “Fuck off, I sink you”. “I’m the baddest mother fucker, am I not”? “Look, I’m giving a cigarette to a baby”. “Suck on the cigarette. Life is shit. Get to know this”. “You, Americans. Fuck all of you Americans”! “Americans, you politically correct. You cultureless crack Americans”. “We hate all of you. Fuck off”! “The Germans are here… Hello, Americans”! “I love you! Come on, Americans”. “Welcome back, Americans”! “You can build a Disneyland near Paris”. “We won’t go, but build it”. “It will have a Minnie mouse with armpit hair. It will be great”! Smoking a Galloise, going “I never loved Mickey”. “He has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? Fuck off”! “Don’t love him”! But there is one country that watches out for all of us the Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. If there’s ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going “What was that noise”? In their big hollowed out country, with their chocolate and their watches. Ya! The nice Germans. Ya! Or, as they like to say, “the other white race”. I have only one question. How can you trust an army, that has a wine opener on it’s knife? “Many of you, men, have never opened Chardonnay under fire”. “You take out the wine bottle, pull out the cock and throw”! “I don’t know, but I’ve been told, Chardonnay must be self-cold”. My God! Where did all this Impressionistic art come from? And all these jewelry from 1939 to 1945? Fairies must’ve brought it during the night. I have to do the Heimlich and cough up an account number. I know this one thing… I know there’s one country that is not developing a weapon of destruction. That does not have a secret weapon’s lab up in the mountains. Jamaica! Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. They may make an atomic bong. But I’d rather fight the war with an atomic bong cause, when the atomic bomb goes off, there’s devastation and radiation. When the atomic bong goes off, there’s celebration! Smokes a split for the communion. If you don’t see Jesus then, you never will. I know only one thing. I never met me an angry pot smoker. I never met a man who said “Hey, you fucking prick”! “Oh, fuck”! “What was I gonna do”!? “Hold me, you piece of shit. Get over here”! Because you see, marijuana… I know this one. Wait a minute. If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. Or maybe… If you seen some of the things that happened recently to NASA, maybe you can. “The Mars lander…” “I did the calculations in feet,” “but I programmed the lander in meters”. “So, instead of landing, fucker burried”! “185 million dollars… oopsy”! “Two years… splat”! “OK, fuck! Here’s a better one”! “The Hubble Telescope…” “I forgot to put in a lens”. Read the top line. “Officer Jerry, serial…” “The rest is just a black hole”. I once called Steven Hawking’s house, “Hello, this is Steven Hawking”. – Yes, I’d like to leave a message. – No, this is Steven Hawking. I know one thing though. Pot is not like alcohol. Alcohol changes your moods. Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. See those guys going, “Hey, fuck you, my man”! “Hey, listen to me”. “Listen to me, you piece of shit”. “You do not know shit about fuck, my man”. “You want a piece of yourself”? “Step outside, I’ll kick my ass”. “I’ve already shit myself, I’m halfway there”. Some people know, you can deal with it genetically. If you’re Irish, you’ve got a running start that you can do it better than we are. If you’re Irish, you’ll kick my ass but then you’ll sing about it, afterwards. “Oh, the night you said my wife was fat,” “I knocked you down and shit in your hat”. And then you keep drinking ’til you’re in your 80s and you’re on a dialysis machine, doing liver dancing Michael Flatline. And they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fucking put it. But that’s all right! The Japanese drink differently than us. You could be polite during the day and all of a sudden you’re “Arigato gozaimas”. And after five Jack Daniels… “Tie the yellow ribbon”! Karaoke for “asshole with a microphone”. “Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on”! And If you want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin’ with a Scotsman. Cause you can’t fucking understand them before… You land in Scotland and they’re going – Oh, yeah. – Oh, yeah? – Sure. – Oh, fuck sure, eh? – Sure! – Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard. And you realize how drunk they get, they could wear a skirt and not care! And how they could invent a sport like golf. Here’s my idea for a fucking sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole. “Like pool” Fuck off pool, not with a straight stick, with a little fucked up stick. I whack a ball its goes in a gopher hole. “Oh you mean like croquet?” “Fuck croquet. I put the hole hundreds of yards away. Oh fuck of ya, “Oh like a bowling thing?” “Fuck no, Not straight I put shit in the way. Like trees and bushes and high grass. So you can lose you fucking ball. And go whacking away with a fucking tire iron. Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you’ll have a stroke. Fuck that’s what we’ll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you’re gonna fuckin die. Oh great, oh and here’s the better part oh fuck this is brilliant. Right near the end I’ll put a little flat piece with a little flag to give you fucking hope. But then I’ll put a little pool and a sand box to fuck with your ball again. Ay, you’ll be there cracking you ass, jacking away in the sand, “oh and you do this one time?” “Fuck no. 18 fucking times.” There you have a sport! The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Where even a blind gay man would go, “Oh, dear Christ”! “Those are loud, this is not carnival! What the fuck are you on”? Even the alligator’s going, “Asshole”! It’s such an athletic sport, whack the ball, get in the car. Whack the ball, get in the car. And the commentary’s electrifying. Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going. “We’re on the third green now”. “Could people be quieter, I’d like to hear the grass grow”. I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. “The ball is rolling, the ball is going to the…” “Hole”! Just to see all those waspy motherfuckers going, “Oh, dear Christ”! “My God, they’re not gardening, they’re playing now, oh, shit”! “What the hell are we gonna do”? [on the English] Golf was their last domain of dominance, they were the Kings, up until… *Tiger* [crowd claps] Yeees, son of a black man and a Thai woman. Even a German geneticist couldn’t have thought that one up! Remember, he goes and plays at St. Andrews, where they fuckin’ invented the sport. And after the 4th round he’s 18 under par, and there’s only 18 fuckin’ holes! So they’re like: [in an English voice] “Oh dear god, we’re doomed! How did he learn to play, we wouldn’t let him join, dear god!” [normal voice] And then they have nightmares of gold clubs going [rap music] Yo yo yo, I’m playin’ through, rather you’re a gentile, or a Jew! Remo Beach, motherfucker! All of your gentle sports are no longer gentle. Tennis used to be… Until the Williams sisters… – 40, love? – No, that’s good love, baby! Even boxing’s changed. Remember boxing, people go, “I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing”. Like saying, “I go to stock car races” “to see people take left turns all day”. No, you go to boxing to see someone get the fuck beat out of him. Even the guy who loses is going, “I have 18 million dollars”. “I don’t know where it fucking is…” “I’m gonna buy me a big ass house, but I can’t find it. Fuck off”! Boxing was the same. And then Mike Tyson! Mike Tyson comes along and bites somebody. Let’s get ready to nibble! All these guys’re going, “Oh, dear God, he bit somebody”! I’m saying, “You’re lucky he just bit somebody”. “Mike just got out of prison. You’re lucky he didn’t fuck him”. You bite somebody in jail its like, “Get ready bitch, you’re mine now”! – Break it up! – We’re not finished. Mike said to a journalist, “I’m gonna fuck you, till you love me”. At that point I’m going, “Someone didn’t come here to box, babe”. Mike said, “I’m on Zoloft, so I don’t kill you, motherfuckers”! I’m going, “Up the dosage, Mike”! There’s all these drugs, Zoloft, Prozac. I wanna have one drug encompassing it all. Call it “Fuck It All”. I don’t feel anything, I don’t wanna do anything, “Fuck It All”. The closest thing to a coma you’ll ever be, “Fuck It All”. I’m sitting here in my own dong, “Fuck It All”. The scary thing about drugs is that they have some horrible side effect. “May cause artificial insemination”. What? What do you mean? There’s a product called Olestra, which is a very strange thing. Olestra? What is that? It said on the little side of the chips, “May cause anal leakage”. That’s not a side effect if my ass is going… I think that’s an effect, really! “Fire in the hole”! Bad day! – How you’re doing, Bob? – Just a little anal leakage, Ted. Bob, you wanna get out of the pool right now? I want science to help me. God, look at me! Look at this! I had women in NY saying “Don’t wear fur”! The politically correct… red paint “Fuck off, lady, it’s me”! I’m a fucking Chia pet. I’ve gone to the zoo and had monkeys go… Anybody who thinks the zoo is a happy place, go and watch the monkeys wait for groups of school children. Watch the fun. The monkeys sit there, like… “Wait for it”. “Wait ’til the teacher comes with the video camera”. “Now”! Cause they’re not happy. Even the poor animals like Ling Ling the panda, she must mate, so you can build the wing on the zoo. They go to China, they anesthetize a panda, which is kinda redundant… They bring him back to America and give him a name like Ping Pong. When his Chinese name was Who Shu Ko Hu, “Bear with Balls of Steel”. They put him in the cage with Ling Ling, saying “Go, mate”! He looks at her like, “I would never fuck her”! “That is one ugly panda bitch”. “If you were a panda, you’d know that’s the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is”. “I wouldn’t have fucked her with a koala’s dick”! “Fuck off”! “I would rather lick my own balls, than fuck that panda bitch”! There’s only one animal who can tell you if she’s happy and wants to mate. That is Coco, the silverback gorilla. She saw me, the blue eyed simian. She was intrigued. She said to her trainer… – What does that mean? – She wants you to tickle her. OK, I tickle her… Then she goes… – What does that mean? – She wants you to lift your shirt. I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples. And when an 800 pound gorilla’s got you by the tits… you listen! Then my balls went, “Somebody wants to play”. – Should we go to phase two? – No! Do not go to phase two! “I repeat! Do not go to lift off”! “This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the tumbs”. “This is not a human”! “Do not go to phase two”! “Warning! Warning”! She must’ve sense something, cause she grabs me by the hand, takes me in the back. Daktari meets Deliverance. I’m expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, “Oh, cranky! She wants to fuck his brains out”! “Watch out, boys and girls. Danger! Danger! Danger”! “This could be like that time I put my finger in a crock’s cloette”. But part of me went, “Could be fun”! Make a great story for a bar. A guy’s going “I had a wild night in Vegas”. “Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla”. “Where’s everybody going”? And you don’t want that late night phone call, “Hello”? “Don’t call me”! Maybe it’s because I’m 50. When you hit 50, the old machinery doesn’t work so well. You be at a public rest room going, “How’re you doing? Great game today, huh”? “Oh, boy”! What’s happened is your prostate is bigger than your ego now. When you’re in your 40s, you go to the doctor they have to do the old… First time is “Oh, my God”! “I’m just putting on the glove, Mr. Williams”. I went back the second time and I moaned another doctor’s name. Don’t do that! – Who’s Dr. Smith? – You’re the only one! When a woman has to go to the gynecologist, you don’t want a doctor who has a hobby. You don’t want a gynecologist who’s also a magician. You don’t want somebody going, “How are we today… Oh, a dove”! “Wow, what’s this”?! “Is this your card”? I don’t want a doctor who’s a proctologist and ventriloquist. No! “How you’re doing today”? “Take your hand out of my ass. I’m not a muppet. Move it”! In your 50s it’s no longer the… It’s the ortho-proctoscope. The colonoscopy. That’s what W. did. It’s a video camera on the end of a rodeo rudder. And it’s going up you! Suddenly, you’re your own Discovery channel special. “Slowly, we’re going up Robin’s colon”. “This must be what you see”. “Slowly up ahead, a burger he had in ’85”. – Is that a polyp? – That’s a fart, Mr. Williams. They go further up your ass, they blow air. Now you’re a fucking party favor. Oh, doctor, give me all you can take! I’m a man. Give me 120 psi! You feel like a Pinata, you think little Mexican kids are gonna come out and go, “Get the presents”! The air is coming this way. The farts are going, “Incoming”! “It’s not a… No finger! It’s the midget! “Fall back behind the shit, wait for my command”! “Prepare to make the wet sloppy noise”! Because the moment they pull that tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude! “Rolling, rolling, rolling Keep that colon flowing”! Forty miles, blowing outta you! You put on your pants and you’re floating like a balloon spinning on the America’s Cup. “Coming about, Jimmy. She’s your”! And then you realize… “Oh, shit, fire in the hole”! “Tighten up boys, we’re not gonna drop here”! “Thank you, doctor. See you next week”. “Hold the elevator”! “Fuck you, you bastard”! Seven flights of stairs. Everybody you pass, you’re going “It’s me”! Dogs look at you like “Roll over, man, you’re dead”! You just wanna borrow a match. “Give me that”! Flaming asshole. That’s what you are. You’re a flaming asshole! You’re 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact ’til your golden years? No! Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No! They’ve got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra! Grandpa can have wood again. – I don’t need the walker! – I see that! And your grandmother’s going “Shit! I thought the war was over”! “Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna stick me with that rusty thing”! People have died on Viagra. They have to have the open coffin… “Oh, dear God, I don’t remember Pete being like that”. “Kids, go get some horse shoes”. “He would’ve wanted it that way”. You used to get that from some strange Chinese aphrodisiac. Like humming bird eyelash and rhino horn. To give you great masculinity. But now you’re on Viagra. You are back! You are Frankencock! You are “the Inseminator”! You are ready to go! You’re gonna be going for one hour, one hour and a half! Guys are going “Yeah”! Women are going “Uh-uh”. Cause after the first hour, your wife’s going “Yay, oh, big daddy…” “Listen, I got shit to do, OK”? “Hello”? “Yeah, I’ll be late today. Viagra, fucking…” “I’ll try and get there. Go outside with that thing”! You can’t go outside with a hard-on cause the cat just waits for you to go… And your dog is going, “Wow, you too”?! Can’t go to work like – Hey, Bob! – How’re you, Pete? “I’m happy to be here today”! Direct traffic, no, you can’t do shit! You have to make it go away. You slap it. It’s like one of those punch-me clowns. “I’m not going anywhere”! You have to finish it off. In the old days was… Now, after an hour and a half, you’ve got more semen than the Fifth Fleet. So, when you go, it’s like… Oh, my eyes! And your wife goes, “Now you know how it feels, asshole”! “Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye”! “I’m like a Lawn Boy! Get out”! “Save yourselves”! – Not the drapes! – Too late… I own them now. You run out of semen and your testicles are going “We still got an erection, chief”! “Give me blood, give me urine, any fluid”! “Oh, God, please make this fucking shit go away”! You do every goofy, fucking orgasmic thing… “Don’t touch it”! “Don’t look at it”! “Don’t even think about it”! And then you realize that God, gave you a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time. You have lost thoughts from your childhood. And then you hear these words from your lady… “My turn”! “You can’t fucking be serious”! “Look at me, I’m Goo Boy! What are you doing”? “That’s right, Corky! It’s time to saddle up”. “We’re heading South of the border”. “You gotta please Missy”. I have one question for the ladies… Do we look like this? “Are you almost there”? “No, no, no. I will finish”! “I love you”! “I love you! I will finish”. “I can take it. I just can’t feel my tongue”. “Who’s your daddy”? “I love you”! “I will finish”. Good night! Thank you! Thank you! This night for New York! What are we gonna do tonight, Marty? Good night! You’re the best! We did it! My pink lady…

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Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction (2009) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/robin-williams-weapons-of-self-destruction-transcript/

In this comedy special taped at DAR Constitution Hall, his first solo special on the network in seven years, Williams covers such topics as global warming, sex and politics, the state of health care in the country (suggesting a cash for clunkers program for elderly relatives, among other things), drugs – recreational and otherwise – and more personal topics, including his recent heart surgery. Original Air Date on December 6, 2009 * * * [audience cheering, applauding] [rock music playing] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Robin Williams! [cheering] No! Please. Sit down! Thank you! Thank you! What’s up, D.C.? Yes, indeed! Yes, indeed! [cheering, hooting] Wow, thank you. Mmm. Thank you. Please, I’ve had heart surgery. Thank you. It’s nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it’s handed out to A.I.G. and many other people. Now… I have the new Timothy Geithner $20-bill. It’s just been printed, kind of neat. Instead of “in god we trust,” It just says “trust me.” And it says “spend before Tuesday.” And also instead of Andrew Jackson, it has the little man from monopoly going– and I know many of you have been looking for Sarah Palin’s book. It is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and non-fiction in the fantasy aisle. It was kind of fun. Wonderful. Do you get– do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, In high school she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one? Do you think that might’ve been– she’s pretty wild. Baby, I love her. And also, Oprah– Oprah has retired– Is gonna retire her show. Please say it isn’t so! Oprah’s gonna retire her show. I hope she’s not bummed out about losing the Olympics. I hope that’s not it. It wasn’t really fair. Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle, Brazil sent 50 strippers and a pound of blow. It’s like, what? Do you think the Olympic committee was going “Oprah? Shaved pussy? Oprah, would you– okay, we’re gonna have to go this way.” And who the fuck thinks that Rio is safer than Chicago?! My God. They’re gonna have to make kidnapping and waxing Olympic events. Degree of difficulty: 5.3. [mimics ripping noises] But it is interesting. They have the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and the torch is heading across Canada right now and already in B.C. they’re lighting torches going– [choked] “we’re waiting.” Come on, you folks who just came from Capitol Hill. Come on down. Where do you go? How are you, my friends? Grab some seats. – You were caught in– – [audience shouting] What? – [woman shouts] – that’s your old boss? Did you fuck him? Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington. No. And he’s going, “no! No! She was just a page, it’s okay!” And it was weird. In California this summer all the State Parks caught on fire which was sad because these parks are full of weed. It’s bad news. It’s like– even the guys fighting the fires are like… [laughing] “fuck! Oh my God! Make another rainbow, Tommy! Oh my God!” It’s weird. Even Smokey the Bear was going, “only you can– Shit, I knew this. Fuck.” And California weed is kick-ass fucking weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go, “oh, don’t smoke that weed, man.” It’s California catatonic. It’s the type of weed you hit it and it’s like… Fuck! Shit! I’m not doing something. What is it? Oh right, breathe! [exhales] And you get so stoned, you end up sitting on your couch for a week to the point where your cat’s going, “get up, you asshole! I’ve been eating my own shit for the last two days! I know I’m mellow, but this is fucking ridiculous!” And if they legalize it, they’re going to have to regulate it and they’re going to have to a warning on a box of joints. It’s going to have to say, “Surgeon General has determined this will make your music awesome. Even Yanni. And if you thought you enjoyed cartoons before…” and if they’re gonna have ads– they’re gonna have ads and it’ll be like instead of the Marlboro man, it’ll be the Mendocino man. It’ll be a cowboy on the back of a horse going, “shit, am I thirsty. God damn.” Even the horse will be going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am. God damn, I got a little cotton mouth here. God damn it.” And the weird fucking thing with these weather systems– the storms right now have been fucking insane. Kick-ass tornados in the midwest. It used to be in the midwest when you had a tornado, it was like everybody get in the root cellar. Not anymore. You fuckers are like “get a video camera! Get outside! Film it, Bobby!” How’s the tornado? “it just blew my pants off. Keep shooting. Fuckin’-a!” You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing. Someone’s losing their trailer, number one. It’s like, mmm! God damn! The hurricanes have been getting bigger and fucking bigger. And they usually give them names that don’t really inspire fear. Like hurricane Terrence does not inspire fear. This sounds like a slightly gay hurricane. Where are you going? “I might go to Boca. I might go to South Beach. I don’t know. All I know is blowing is involved. Yes!” And they should name the hurricanes After the people it’s gonna be fucking with. If it’s going to Texas– hurricane Billy Ray. Come on now. What are you gonna do? “fuck shit up! That’s what goes on.” If it’s off the coast of Miami– hurricane Bernie. “hello! He took our 401k. The goniff’s coming back for the house. Move out! Let’s fucking go!” And when they named a hurricane Hurricane Ike, I went, finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Yeah! Even Tina Turner would go, “you’d better get your shit and get out of the house. ’cause Ike never does anything nice and easy. Never.” And the hurricanes have been getting so big that even the guy on the weather channel is freaked out. He’s going, “okay, let’s go to our new hurricane weather map– Fuck! This is hurricane Shavon. The map is the entire South The asshole in the middle is Dallas. Um, crazy. Back to you, Ted. I just shit myself.” And they always go down to some poor fuckers on the coast in the middle of the storm hoing, “Carl, how’s it down there on the coast?” “not bad! Seems to be kicking up!” And then there’s always the aftermath where they interview some family standing in the wreckage of their beach house and they’re always going like, “hurricane came and tore everything up. And we had just rebuilt.” Time out. How often do you rebuild? “every year.” Why do you rebuild here? “we love the view.” Well, you may want to get some styrofoam furniture that goes up and fucking down. Some things that you can hose off maybe. But the weird thing is, I can’t give them shit. I like in California. I live on God’s etch-a-sketch. It’s crazy. We have earthquakes every other day. And you get kind of blasé. Like, “oh, fuck. 2.5, not bad. Oh, shit! 5.8. Maybe we should have drinks outsides. Let’s go.” And they always talk about the big one. I was in a 7.5 earthquake. That was a “fuck me” moment. That was a– [screams] And they went, “that was not the big one.” Really? Well, what will the big one be? “well, in the big one, if there is the big earthquake, Nevada will be wine country, number one.” And when will the big one be? “well, we have a window of opportunity.” Well, what will that be? “could be tomorrow… or 10,000 years from now.” Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up. The only warning you have is if your cat is spread-eagle in the doorway like– [howls] get the fuck out. And if your parrot starts going, “pack the car! Pack the car! Food and water! Food and water!” Also, if you have a parrot, do not leave them in the bedroom. They hear everything. All of the sudden you’ll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will go “not the ass.” whoa-ho-ho! Petey! [chuckles] he’s been watching porn again. “fuck me, Teddy! Fuck me hard!” Honey, who’s Teddy? Hmm. And the weird thing is you try and do your part to reduce your carbon footprint. And if you have a hybrid, God bless you, sweet cars. But especially if you drive them outside a major city, you get into little cities especially in the South, it becomes kind of interesting. you pull into a small gas station, it’s like, “what the fuck is this? Bobby, get over here. It’s one of them new inbreds! Look at this motherfucker. Shit, looks like Volkswagen fucked a golf cart. God damn. I did not hear you come in. You may want to put some cards in the spokes of your wheels so you make some fucking noise.” That’s why there’s not gonna be any NASCAR hybrid race. A NASCAR hybrid race would be like, “here they come.” [blowing softly] And I love the guys who say, “I watch NASCAR for the racing.” Yeah, I watch porn for the acting. You liar! You watch NASCAR to see team viagra spin out in flames and the guy get out with his pubes on fire going, “I’m okay!” And there was a guy in the South who said, “they should have NASCAR in the Olympics.” And it was like, mm-hmm. At that moment ever Darwin was going, “come with me.” This is the ascent of man. You stand here. But it’s weird too. If you recycle, God bless you. You recycle, good for you, congratulations. But if you recycle, there is one group who is really pissed off. That group are the raccoons. They are going through your recycling like, [irish accent] “what the fuck is this shit? Where are the hefty bags? The piñata of life that used to feed an entire fucking family? This is glass and plastic. I can’t digest this shit, you green asshole! I’m spreading this shit all over your lawn! I’m taking a dump in your pool too.” I don’t know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works. Now… and they’re ballsy little motherfuckers too. You turn on the light, they look at you like, “what the fuck you gonna do? I got a skunk as backup. Don’t make me call him.” And they’ve got those little jazz paws. “jazz paws!” They can open doors, cabinets. I’m amazed you don’t come home and find them on the computer going, “I’m ordering shit. How you doing? The dog knows I’m here. I locked him in the fucking closet. He’s an idiot. Too late.” And the deer in California have total amnesty ’cause they know no one’s gonna cap their ass and strap them to the front of a Ranger Rover and go downtown for a mocha. They walk through your yard like supermodels with hooves. Like, “hi. Are these your roses? Oh my God, a deer fence.” [makes whooshing noise] And I love the five point buck that jump out in front of your car like, “I hope you’re insured. ’cause I’m taking you out. This is revenge for my brother who’s hanging in a bar in Tennessee. Fuck you.” And we have coyotes, which are like dogs on crack. They come into your yard looking like, “hey! I’m a dog. Ooh! Ooh, I’m a fucking dog. Hey! Psst, listen. Do you have any small animals you don’t need?” And I’m sure your cat is sitting in the back going, “I will shit in the box! Don’t send me out there. Those things eat pussy! Don’t send me out there!” [hisses] And if you have a cat a a dog… and they live together, do you think your cat mind-fucks your dog? I don’t think it’s fair. I think the moment you go to sleep the cat’s like, “Scooby!” [hisses] “yeah yeah?” “hey, Scooby, are you man’s best friend?” “oh God, yeah. I love him. I love him!” “really? Then where are your balls?” “shit, they were there yesterday. I wondered why my ass tasted differently.” “I’m just saying that’s weird. You know, I’m just saying–” [hacking] “I’m just saying that’s weird, that’s all I’m saying.” And people in California give their cats prozac. How much more mellow can a fucking animal be? But that’s California, where animals have better healthcare than the rest of the country. It’s fucking insane. And if the whole healthcare debate– If you want to know how your congressman and senators are gonna vote, we should actually– maybe they should be like NASCAR drivers. They should actually have to have jackets with the names of all the people who are sponsoring them. Wouldn’t that be cool? Fuckin’-a! Yeah, baby. Then you might have a clue to why the fuck they voted that way. “big drug company.” got it! Thank you. And I have an alternative healthcare plan. It’s called cash-for-clunkers- for-older-relatives. It’s kind of fun. You sell grandma for parts. Grandma, you’ve got two kidneys. We need a porch. Let’s do this. And do not sell grandma’s kidneys to that Hasidic Rabbi in New Jersey. Fuck. Who buys organs from a Hasidic Rabbi Going, “I’m crazy Itzhak. Come on down. I’m verklempt with values. Come on down! I’ve got kidneys. I’ve got livers. How’s the liver? Fresh! Come on down! and if you order now, you’ll get this lovely wallet made from a Hasidic foreskin. You rub it, It becomes a suitcase. Come on down! Come on down! I’m open 24/6 for you! Come on!” And if you have an older relative living with you that has dementia, and the temarketers are calling, put her on the phone with the telemarketers. [laughter and applause] It works. After two hours she thinks she’s talking to your long-lost cousin Carl, and the fucking telemarketers will NEVER call back again. [laughter] And it’s weird too, ’cause I had open heart surgery which lets you know exactly what the fuck it is– open heart. An angiogram does not let you know what they’re going to do. An angiogram is where they go through your groin to your heart. And how knew that the way to man’s heart was through his groin? And the women– many women are going, “we’ve known that forever. Yes. Simple. You grab a man’s balls, his heart will follow.” And I found out I had a bad heart because they did an echocardiogram and my heartbeat was like– [mimics irregular beating] My cardiologist went, “that’s not good.” My latin friend said, “no, you could dance to that. That’s kinda cool.” And then they did the angiogram and I heard my– [blowing raspberries] I had a blown valve which makes me sound like a Chevrolet. Like what the fuck? And they started offering me choices about what type of valves I could get. And here were some of my choices: Number one– a porcine valve Which is a pig valve, which is kind of cool because you’re already inoculated for swine flue, number one. And one of the side effects is you can find truffles, which is kind of cool. I was hoping to get an equine valve ’cause then you can hang out of your shorts like, “oh my God.. Baby, I’m sorry. I just got excited.” You know? To get out of the house, you have to have a midget jump on your back going, “we’re going outside right now. How many months since the surgery?” five. And they offered me a mechanical valve which is kind of cool. I thought, maybe I can get the new Apple iheart. That would be great. It comes with 20,000 emotions and that would be– and I thought, wait a minute. if I could get an iheart, ladies, how about this? Instead of breast implants– Speakers. Wouldn’t that be cool? We’ll call ’em blue tits, they’ll be compatible with the heart. And if you can’t afford speakers, just put in a squeak toy. We’re that simple. That’d be great. A lot of you men would be going– [squeaks] “oh yeah, baby.” [squeaking] [laughing] And I’ll put a whistle in my dick so when you blow me– Whoo! Kind of fun, but… I ended up getting a bovine valve which is a cow valve. Which is kind of cool, ’cause you can shit standing up. That’s great. Great to be here. Nice to be here. But after the surgery, you get very emotional. It’s like– it’s like weird. People go, “how are you?” [crying] God, thanks for asking. And I got so emotional, I thought instead of a valve They gave me a tiny vagina. Which is like– what? “how are you?” much better now, thank you. Mmm. Oh God. Don’t use the paddles, just rub me here. There we go. And if this is the symbol for men, Is this the symbol for women? Don’t jerk me off. I won’t. God bless. Thank you. And the surgery– the surgery went amazing. I had a doctor who had done 4,000 surgeries. All of them fucking amazing. That was great. You don’t want a doctor who’s done six surgeries, three of them haven’t gone that well. You don’t want a guy going, “let’s see what happens.” And the surgery was pretty amazing. It went fantastic. First thing to come back online, Your heart– [beeps] Great. And then your brain. Last thing, asshole. [grunts] The drugs make you so constipated, I thought they were gonna have to bring in a priest to do a rectal exorcism. Demon turd, fall from his ass! The power of fiber compels you! The power of fiber compels you! And after the surgery, they put you on a little self-medicator, which is fucking great. You’re like… [laughs] I want to thank my anesthesiologist, ’cause I don’t fucking remember his name. And the drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called propofol which is nicknamed milk of amnesia. Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking propofol at home To sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said, “taking propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you’re tired of shaving your fucking head.” It’s like, no. And do you think that when you die and you get to the other side in the afterlife They give you things you had in life? Like Michael got to the other side and it’s like, Michael? [high voice] “yes?” We have some of your things here. “really?” One african-american nose. Is this yours? “yes.” We have four others here. Are these yours? “three of them are mine. One’s Latoya’s.” But you can’t blame Michael. We’re a heavily medicated society. All the drugs we take: Prozac, Effexor, Valium. I thought for the last ten years, we’ve been on some weird fucking drug – the whole country – called “Fukitol.” [laughter] What a weird fucking drug. And we’re just coming out of it and we’re kind of waking up. [cheers and applause] Fuckin’ A! It’s weird. It’s like you’re going “last thing I remember was the economy was working and there was a budget surplus.” Yeah! “Where’s Clinton?” We impeached him. “Fuck!” [laughter] “For what?” A blowjob. “Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?” [laughter] No! No, he got blown by a Jewish girl. “Wow! He got head from a Jewish girl? Fuckin’ A! And they impeached him for that?” Well, he lied about it. “He’s married! Who wouldn’t? What the fuck?” [laughter] No, he lied about it to Congress. “And THOSE fuckers impeached him? That’s like a group of lepers judging a beauty contest. What the fuck?” [laughter] “Wow, that’s nuts!” And then they acquitted him. “Oh, cool. And who was president next? Gore?” No, Bush. “He was already president!” No, this was his son. “Oh, the one from Florida. He’s kinda cool.” No, the one from Texas. “JUNIOR? Fuck! My God, he… the one who traded Sammy Sosa?” Fuck yeah! “How was he as president?” Kinda goofy. “Really?” He waved at Stevie Wonder. [laughter] “What the fuck!” It’s like, “Wow! And then what did he do?” Well, he took a lot of vacations. “And then what happened?” We got attacked. “By who?” Osama bin Laden. “That guy from Afghanistan? Didn’t we used to send him weapons?” Yeah, I know! “We went after him, right?” Yeah. “Did we get him?” Almost. [laughter] “Well, what do you mean ‘almost’?” Well, we went after Hussein, because he had weapons of mass destruction. “That guy from Syria. I knew that fuck would do this.” No, the one from Iraq. “SADDAM Hussein? Bush Sr. kicked his ass!” Yeah, he did! “And we got him?” Oh, fuck, we got him. “And we found the weapons of mass destruction? Cause he would tell you where they are.” Well, they executed him. “Fuck off! And did you get bin Laden?” Almost. We got four of his number threes. “Okay. But he’s in Afghanistan.” Maybe. He might be in Pakistan. “Well, let’s go after him in Pakistan!” Well, there’s a problem there. They’re allies, and they have weapons of mass destruction. “Oh, no! What about the economy?” Well, we had to bail out the banks. “Again?” Fuck, yeah! “And now, who’s the president?” A black guy. “Oh, yeah right.” Yeah, there’s a black president and a Latino on the Supreme Court. “There is? Oh, my God! Who’s the president? Jesse Jackson?” No, his name is Barack Hussein Obama. “Now you’re fucking with me!” Fuck off! [laughter] And that’s where we find ourselves today. We have an african-american, but he was not born in Africa. Even though the birthers are going, “he was born in Africa!” Yes, and his campaign was financed by a Nigerian prince on the intenet. Come with me, my friend. It’s like their worst nightmare would have been at the inauguration going, “Mr. Obama, you are now President of the United States.” [African tribal chanting] Hillary, work the booty, work the booty, work the booty. What the fuck? And you have to break his name down. It’s Barack– blessing, Hussein– we know who that is, Obama– it’s an old Kenyan word for Kennedy, cool! The moment he was elected, caucasian guilt dropped lower than the stock market. It was like a brother be going, “my man, could you spe a dollar?” I’m sorry, my good fellow, but I voted for Obama. Good fucking luck. Take care. [groans] And now you have Michelle. Michelle– oh my God, girl, please! Mmmm! Yeah, baby, oooh! Like a combination Jackie Onassis and Serena Williams, Way to go. She is so elegant and she’s got guns too, Which is kinda cool. But you get the feeling, as elegant as she is, If you dis her man, she will fuck your shit up. Mmm! She will. She will open a can of whupass. She will go from “yes, we can” to “oh, no you didn’t.” And Obama got heckled in Congress. What the fuck is that? That would not have happened if Cheney were there. If Cheney were there– oh no. If someone had heckled “w” Cheney would be like, bam! Yeah! [mimics cocking guns] “anybody else got a problem?” Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don’t know about east coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. You gotta drop kick them then get them in the air going bam! “shit happens!” And I love Cheney at the inauguration looking like old man potter. Like, “good luck with the economy, little African prince. Ha ha ha! Take care, Simba. Ha ha ha.” And he was transforming as we speak. The last few years He’s been turning slowly but surely into Gollum. Like, “they don’t likes us. Don’t give a shit! Not caring why. Halliburton is the precious. It’s the precious.” And he’s become an archetype now. It’s the type of thing that if you want to frighten a little child, you just have to say, “if you’re not good, The Cheneyman will get you.” [cackles] Nooooo! And what’s “w” doing now? He’s a motivational speaker. Kinda cool. It’s kinda like having Lindsey Lohan as a guidance counselor. Way to go. And I love– I love the fact that they’re talking about opening the George W. Bush library, which I think, wow! That’s kind of like the Colonel Sanders Culinary Academy. Just the concept alone boggles your mind. And they’ve already talked about making it very interactive, which I think is code for “not so many books.” And I hope they have some of his great quotes on the walls, like, “a lot of our imports come from other countries.” Yes! “the question that’s never asked: Is our children learning?” Didn’t know that. “people misunderestimate me.” that’s not even a fucking word. Way to go! And you’ve got to cut “w” some slack, man. He comes from a family where the smart brother is named Jeb, number one. And he had a wicked coke problem. And why did he have to stop doing blow? Because I believe one day he was like, “shit, my mom’s on the dollar bill! God damn. Gotta cut this shit out.” And near the end of his term, even world leaders were dissing his ass. There’d be the world economic leaders conference and they’d all be up there, Going, “oh, shit, here comes skippy. Fuck off.” And he’d be up there like a kid at a graduation, like, “nobody likes me. This is bullshit. This is crazy-ass shit.” But there was one guy who treated “w” with kindness and respect. And that man was Tony Blair. Tony Blair and “w” was like the United Nations production of “Rainman.” It was wonderful. There was sweetness. Tony– Tony’d be going to “w,” “‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas. Don’t know the price of gas.” “do you have an economic stimulus package?” “definitely have an economic stimulus package. Might work. Definitely might work. Give each and every american over the age of 20 $1 million. Tax them at a flat tax rate of 10%. Gives back the government $100,000, gives each and every person $900,000. Might stimulate locally and personally. Definitely might work. Definitely might work.” “but ‘w’– ‘w,’ do you know the price of gas?” “definitely don’t know the price of gas.” And the definition of insanity is Repeating the same action, expecting a different outcome. We elected him the second time, the whole world went, “what the fuck is going on with you people?” But now we still have comedy though. We still have great comedy out there. There’s always rambling Joe Biden. What the fuck? Joe says things that even people with tourette’s go, “no. No. What is going on?” Joe is like your uncle Who’s on a new drug and hasn’t got the dosage right. “I’m proud to work with Barack america.” he’s not a superhero, you idiot. Come mere. “when F.D.R was was on television…” There was no TV back then. Come here, Joe. Bzzzt! Sit down. And then you always have Senators willing to push the comedy envelope. Like Senator Larry Craig– a guy who tried to pick up a man in a men’s room by morse code. How the fuck do you do that? How do you go, “will… You… Blow… Me?” Maybe. And… There’s always Governor Sanford. He’s a piece of work. “I’m going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail.” Where does it end? “Patagonia Oh, fuck off. And if always, if you want comedy there is always Sarah Palin. God bless. She is wonderful. Sarah… Sarah is a self-opening piñata. She is a gift. How did they find her? Was it “project running mate”? Is that how they got her? Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna White and drop it off in Alaska? And it was raised by wolves and that’s why she hunts them? “you’re not my dad. You’re not my dad.” And she says amazing things Like, “I know about Russia because I can see it from my backyard.” You have super vision, number one. I can see San Quentin from my backyard but that doesn’t qualify me on prison reform. What the fuck? And it’s incredible too. She said, “polar bears are not endangered. They’re just unlucky.” Oh, really? And who knew Katie Couric was the cutting edge of journalism with ambush questions like, “what do you read?” “well… Well, that’s a trick question.” Not if you read, no. You know the basic difference between her and Cheney? She shoots you, game over. She will have you gutted and standing on the wall next to Barbara Walters. In the last few days of the election she got really sexy. She let the hair down. I thought the last day of the election she was gonna pop the Prada And be like… “yeah! How do you like my northern slopes now, boys? Drill, baby. Drill, baby, drill.” And do you think the whole time she was running for office Clinton was sitting at home going, “where was she when I was in office? Shit. God damn. She is hot. Whoa. That’s a milf. That’s a mother I’d like to filibuster. Yeah.” And Bill did some good work recently. He went to North Korea, got the two girls home. Way to go, Bill. Way to go. Got them back. Way to go. Good job. But I wanted to be in the room when Kim Jong il came in the room and went, “so, Bill Clinton. You bring me the pictures I asked you for? I have on my big boy glasses. I want those pictures and Clay Aiken.” “why do you want Clay Aiken?” “you know why I want Clay Aiken. That’s how I ‘roro.’ That’s how I ‘rororo.’ That’s what I like.” And you think when Bill got back from North Korea And Hillary got back from Africa, that was a rough dinner? Hillary went, “Bill, congratulations on North Korea.” “we’ll baby, it was a happy ending. Shit, wrong words.” “come again, Bill?” “not this time, baby. Not this time.” And people got mad at Hillary that she didn’t go trailer park on Bill’s ass during the Monica Lewinsky thing. That she didn’t start throwing his shit on the white House lawn Like, “Bill Clinton, you lying sack of shit! How could you find the only Jewish girl who couldn’t get a stain out? You asshole! Damn you!” And he’d be on the lawn like an episode of “Cops” Going, “I love you, baby! Depends on what your definition of is is. And when Hillary ran for president there were a lot of guys going, “I don’t know about a woman president.” What are you worried about? You worried every 28 days She’ll be going, “I can’t talk to Putin. Not today. I’m just gonna balance my budget and watch my stories.” She’s in her 60s. She has her own global warming right now, Number one. She is one tough ass woman. And you don’t necessarily want sexy. I know when Sarah ran a lot of guys are going, “she energizes my base.” Yeah, all right. But necessarily– Sexy and world leaders, not necessarily the case. Especially with female world leaders. Throughout history– Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi– These are women you may not want to fuck, but you definitely don’t want to fuck with them. They are scary women. Oh my God. Whoo. And if you don’t think a woman can handle a military situation, ask the argentineans. They were going, “Margaret Thatcher, that crazy coño sank a battleship. She is nuts.” She was Julia Child on steroids going, “I will sink your shit right now. I will open a can of whupass on you little brown men. I will do it right now.” And you have to look at the English Royal Family and realize all that money and no dental plan. How sad. So sad indeed. But if you want sex in politics the French are always there to top everyone. The French have a president, Sarkozy, whose wife fucked Mick Jagger. Way to go. The French look at the Americans like, “top that, little puritans. Take care.” And I believe there’s one man we could run for office that even the French would go, “fuck off.” That man is Jack Nicholson. Yes! Oh yeah, baby. He’s nuts. You’ll never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone. I had Angelina Jolie and afterwards she adopted me. What? And he’s done every known drug known to mankind. He’d be the only guy in the world that Keith Richards would go, “I have to go home now, Jack. No, I really do. It’s fucking over.” Where you running, you pussy? Get back here. It’s so weird too. If you elect celebrities it’s always not a great idea. Because in California we are a 60% hispanic state. We elected an Austrian Governor. Even old nazis are going, “that’s weird.” He has a hard time even saying the name of the state. Arnold, where are you Governor? “Caforna.” What? “Cafornaa.” And he’s married to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver, who has been getting thinner and fucking thinner and smaller. I believe he is sucking the Kennedy out of her. Shh. Slowly but surely becoming a Kennedy by assimilation. Which is kind of cool. That’s how you get a liberal Republican, which is neat. It’s like a Volvo with a gun rack. You don’t see a lot of them. And in terms of energy policies– 21st century. Stem cell research– 21st century. Immigration– Arnold’s a little old school. Arnold, how will you handle immigration? “I will build a wall.” And even the Chinese go, “that will not fucking work. They will go around around your wall. And who will build the wall? The people you are trying to fucking keep out.” So maybe you want to invent some self-picking fruit real quickly. Come with me right now. And… In California we barely balanced the budget. They were coming up with weird alternatives to balance the budget like selling San Quentin as real estate. What the fuck? Is this like, are you going to open some sort of severe spa? These are the lovely sodomy suites. Come with me over here. Don’t sit in that chair… Zzzp… Too late. Thank you. And they’re gonna close Guantanamo. And I go, what are you gonna open there? Maybe an amusement park. We’ll call is Muslim Mountain. It’ll be cool. What will the water slide be? We strap you to a board and send you head first in to a pool. Good luck. And where are they gonna send all those guys from Guantanamo? People in Texas are going, “we’ll take ’em.” Zzzp… No, you can’t– zzzp… No! And the whole budget crisis, The whole manic recession, we’ve just come through this manic recession. Remember the banks saying, “we’re too big to fail”? It’s like saying too fat to diet. What are you doing? Remember they came to us going, “we need $500 billion”? We went, okay, here you go. A week later… “we need some more.” You fuckers are economic freebasing. What are you doing? They’re like a group of junkies who’ve relapsed and are going, “oh my man, listen. I just need some liquidity, you know what I’m saying? I just ran into some bad subprime, you know? We had some complex formulas. We just didn’t factor in greed and panic. Yeah. I just need $805 billion by Tuesday. I would not fuck you again.” My God, it was insane. In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named “made-off.” Hmm. Yes. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewy, Fuckyou & Howe? And now Bernie’s in prison where insider trading is a whole other game. The bull market is what your ass will bear, motherfucker. Let’s do this. Mm-hmm. Payback’s a bitch. Yeah. And then the automobile companies needed help. And I thought, wait a minute. Wouldn’t it be cool is the oil companies gave a little money to the automobile companies? I know it’s like your dealer paying for rehab, but why not? Give it a shot. And now we’re trying to get off the petroleum titty. It’s like we’re trying to kick it. And how are we doing this? We’re looking for alternative fuels. Some of the alternative fuels are a hydrogen powered car. Cool idea. If you’re thinking of a hydrogen powered car, I have one word for you– Hindenburg. Good luck. A more interesting gas and a lot more fun is helium. Number one with helium, you could float over the potholes. And if you get into an accident you get out of the car with road rage going… [high voice] I’m gonna kick your ass. What? Oh my God. I’ve got a fuel leak. How weird is that? I can’t kick your ass. I sound like a chipmunk. This is nuts. Look at all the clowns getting out of the trunk of my car. Fuck off. And I’ve found another alternative fuel. And I found it by accident. I was having my morning coffee, and I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain. Number two, and more importantly, to jumpstart my colon. More importantly. The moment I have my morning coffee it’s like, morning, everybody. Fire in the hole! Son, open the bathroom door. I don’t care if you’re rubbing one out, I’ve got to drop a resume. Open the door. And even the dog is going, “he’s leaking methane!” There’s a dead canary in the corner like… And I went, wait a minute. I’m leaking methane. I’m my own fuel source. How about this for a new car? The new ford colon. How about this? Here’s the ad: Me shirt, no pants, tube in my ass. Hi, I’m Robin Williams. I’ve just had a black bean burrito. That’s right, I’m gonna drive all the way from San Francisco to Washington, D.C. Yup, the shit’s hit the fan and it’s powering my car. Won’t you join us? Fuck green, go brown. Come on. Come with us now. Another alternative fuel is ethanol. And people from the South are going, “that’s moonshine, motherfucker.” Damn right. And ethanol is pure grain alcohol. No better car in the world to drive if you’re an alcoholic. If you get stopped by the police you can get out of the car going, “officer, I’ve had a few cocktails. My car, however, is totally fucked up.” Even the cheap gas in the car is going, “I don’t know where the fuck I am a God damn tree just jumped out at me.” And Hyundai makes a car that can park itself. I’m going, where the fuck were you when I was drinking? God damn! What a great car. You get in the car a little loaded going, Shall I drive home? Fuck yeah. And before you do, blow me. And what a great new car. The new Ford fellatio. That would be a car. It gets you off before it gets you there. And most cars now have GPS which is kind of cool. I have a GPS in my car. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was halfway across and all of a sudden the car went, “take a right turn.” [laughter] What? No can do, HAL. I’m not that depressed really. And the car went, “Really, Robin? I saw Bicentennial Man.” [laughter] Shut the fuck up! [laughter] “Damn you!” And it’s a bitchy English voice too. It goes, “in one quarter mile, take a right turn. In one eighth mile take a right turn. There it was. You missed it, Magellan. Shall I reroute? I who has access to 12 satellites? You who doesn’t look at a fucking piece of paper?” And maybe they should have a GPS that ages with you. It becomes age appropriate. So eventually the car’s going, “there’s your turn! Hello! No no, that’s not it. Maybe the next one. That could be it. That might be it. Yeah, that’s the one. There used to be a gas station there, yeah. Yeah. Right. That’s when gas was a nickel a gallon. That’s it, yeah.” I want a Scottish GPS ’cause I think that would be an honest GPS It would be going, “there’s your turn. You fucking missed it, you idiot. Take another fucking right turn. Take one more fucking right turn Take one more fucking right turn. Ooh, there’s your fucking view. Yeah!” They say that Bob Dillon is gonna be making a GPS I want that GPS “driving down the road. Up ahead there’s a light. Very soon very soon you’re gonna have to take a right. Driving along, driving along, Driving in the land of the free. So remember to pull off, you have to take a pee. Do it now. Pull up ahead. Don’t try to stop. Oh God, oh God. Look out, there’s a cop. Look out. I’m just trying to direct you as one wealthy Hebrew.” And it’s cool now. If you see someone driving alone talking like this… Hopefully they’re hands-free and not out of their fucking mind. ’cause in the old days if you saw someone driving and talking like… And they’re alone you go, change fucking lanes. And hands-free means hands free to talk on the phone. This does not mean find another activity for your hands, like text messaging. No no. Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift. And unless you’re gonna develop an eye like a chameleon where one looks down and one looks ahead, your brain will eventually go, “I can’t do this! I am intextificated. This is insane.” And when you get out of the car take out the bluetooth, o, Seven of Nine. Join us. Come back, yes. Oh please. It’s all right. ’cause you’ll be wearing the bluetooth and deaf people are going, “are you hearing? No, you’re just an asshole with a bluetooth. Fuck you.” And then there’s always that awkward bluetooth conversation. You’re in an elevator, you can’t see the bluetooth and some guy’s going, “hi, gorgeous.” Thank you. “not you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. No, I want to fuck you. I don’t want to fuck you. Fuck you, God damn it.” The homeless people are going, “that’s my act, you asshole. I talk to people. I hear voices. I just don’t have call waiting. What the fuck?” And if you wear a bluetooth 24/7, I’m sure there are no long-term effects. [mumbles] And thank you for not filming me with your phones tonight, Because phones now are cameras. There was a lady filming me the other night. You could see ’em. There’s a fucking red light, bitch. I see it. And I said, turn it off. And she went, “how will I remember?” I went, the old fashioned way. You will have to tell people what you saw. That you saw a hairy comedian. Because you see, it’s not big brother anymore. It’s little snitch. It’s like, I see you. I fucking see you. I see you. I fucking see you. And it’s also too weird. Because your phone– You can google on your phone. I googled the word corkscrew And it said, “did you mean cocksucker?” No. But while you’re there… And texting– the whole texting thing– I walked into a Starbucks, there were all these little girls sitting around like a cyber witch’s coven. They were like… Not saying a fucking word. Just… Finally one of them looked up and went, “I know.” And you twitter. Twitter, or tweeting. It’s not the root word. It’s not twit, it’s tweet. Okay, cool. Is it rude to twitter during sex? To go, O.M.G. O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.? Is that rude? And is there something called clittoring where you play with the little button on your Blackberry? What are you doing? I’m clittoring. Ha ha ha! And Twitter broke the other day. Twitter went down. What the fuck happened to all those people then? Where they like, “my thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no fucking reason! What the fuck is that?” a book. [hisses] “who are you?” dad. I’m miss you. Let’s talk. When you walk into their room– my son has four screens going simultaneously. He’s got a game on here, he’s playing a move over here. He’s also downloading, he’s texting. He’s got all this stuff going and people go, “that’s A.D.D.” I go, bullshit, he’s multitasking. Fuck off. And then suddenly I’ve become my father. Your mother and I weren’t online. We did lines, my friend. I’ll tell you that. You do 50,000 hits, we did five hits. That’s how much we needed. And we didn’t have Twitter. We had shitter. That was my chat room. We had useless conversations. We just didn’t fucking share them with the world. What are you doing? Oh, you’re playing with your wii. Oh, you got a joystick. Yeah. I had a joystick growing up, except mine was fucking attached. Yeah. And it was a first-person shooter too, yeah! God damn it. I miss human contact. Even on the phone for directory assistance It’s like, “city and state, please.” Washington, D.C. “what would you like?” Constitution Hall. “did you say Kennedy Center?” No. Constitution Hall. “did you say Congressional Ball? No. Consti– and it starts to become like “The Miracle Worker.” Constitution Hall. “did you say cocksucker?” No, I didn’t say cocksucker! “would you like to talk to a person?” Fuck yes! “if you’d like to talk to a person, press one. If you’d like to talk to someone in English press two. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to someone in Spanish? Press three. Press four if you’d like to move to the next menu. Press five if you’re getting somewhat irritated. Press six if you’re my bitch. Press seven. You know you want to. Press eight, daddy. Do it. Press nine.” What are the chances of talking to a real person? “zero, press it!” Beep! Beep! Beep! [Indian accent] “hello. Did you want to talk to a real person?” Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Where are you? You’re a real person? “very much so.” Where are you? “I am on the phone with you.” What is your name? “Thomas Edison.” Don’t fuck with me, Thomas. “don’t fuck with me, Mork. I know who you are.” What? “I know about you googling cocksucker, So don’t piss me off. And I have access to a nuclear device. And I can say it unlike your former president, so don’t fucking piss me off.” Change a light bulb, change a light bulb, change a light bulb now. [imitating Chinese] China is now outsourcing many American products as we speak. You send us your cat food, we send it back to you– [gasps] sorry about kitty. We make your toys. Oh, Timmy can’t take lead? How sad for him. And now Chinese families are adopting American lesbians. Payback is a bitch. Now… China makes a lot of money off us. But we’re gonna get some money back soon because they’re gonna open a Disneyland in Shanghai. It’ll be cool. It’ll have characters like Mickey Mao. There’ll be duck Xiaoping. You go down main street– there’ll be 12 Donald Ducks Hanging upside down in the market. That’ll be cool. And there’ll be the village people’s republic going, ♪ young Mao, there’s a place you can go ♪ ♪ I say, young Mao. ♪ And before the Olympics The Tibetans were demonstrating against the Chinese. It was kind of sad too, because the Chinese accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker– it just doesn’t fit. And then California went, “we are gonna boycott Chinese products In sympathy with the Tibetans.” then they went, “fuck, they make everything.” And they even make the “free tibet” stickers, So it’s fucking insane. And the weird thing in the Chinese Olympics, Beijing– one of the most polluted cities in the world. During the Olympics no pollution. How did they pull this off? I believe they sent one billion Chinese into Beijing. Everyone breathe in… [exhales] One of my favorite events during the Olympics was women’s gymnastics, which is kind of a misnomer. These are not women. These are Shetland females. And some of the events are a little… [chuckles] like the uneven parallel bars is a bit like horizontal pole dancing. It’s like, daddy would like to watch this alone, if you don’t mind. And who invented that event? Was there some German at a playground going, “here’s my idea for girls in tight clothing– I want you to put on spandex And then spin around on the upper bar, and slam your vagina into the lower bar, spin around. Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Spread your legs and then dismount and make it look like you had a good time.” What? Weird. And they do all this incredible stuff. And if their foot goes one inch to the right, you’re fucked! And who invented the pommel horse? Was it a cowboy with A.D.D. Going, “I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse, I’m on the horse, I’m off the horse”? No. My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug-test an African distance runner. Are you on drugs? “no, I’m looking for food.” And I’m sure in Kenya There’s a chicken that runs a sub-two-hour marathon. You just won the New York marathon. How do you feel? [clucks] What did he say? He’s wondering where the Ethiopians are. One of my favorite runners of all time Was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, He carried the fucking shoes. No performance enhancement there, no way. Because always people are looking for performance enhancement. Cut to the American swim team with their new porpoise foreskin swimsuits– Full-body condom swimsuits. What the fuck was going on? These guys were shaved like a Brazilian hooker to begin with. What was going on? Was there one pubic hair like… [blows raspberry] And they put on that full-body condom– even the penis is like, “I’m in here. Help me.” But I realized the moment you do that– No nutsack drag. You’re a Ken doll all of a sudden. Are you ready to swim? [high voice] I think so. But no more– no more nutsack drag. .05 nutsack drag with this. Then you get to the end of the pool .05 faster. Why? No nutsack drag. And the French got pissed off going, “they have no nutsack drag. They’re cheating.” And Michael Phelps is on the box of frosted flakes. Then he gets caught smoking weed and then take him off the box of frosted flakes. – [man boos] – this is a failure in marketing, my friends. Listen, if you’re basically having frosted flakes and you’re older than 10 years old and it’s after 10:00 in the morning… – [laughter] – …I’m gonna guess Weed may be involved. And you can’t tell me Marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug. Fuck off. It’s only a performance-enhancing drug If there’s a fucking chocolate bar at the end of the pool. Then even a one-legged swimmer will go, “I will beat your ass.” But performance enhancement doesn’t always include drugs. Cut to miss Semenya, the South African middle-distance runner who turns out to be a he/she. She’s a hermaphrodite. She can have her own biathlon– kind of neat. But this is not new. The East Germans used to have really butch female sprinters. Olga, you just won the 100 meters. How do you feel? [deep voice] “really good Is that a penis? “no, just a very large clitoris.” Oh. And the Germans used to give their athletes pure fucking speed. They would finish a race going, “Hans, you just won a race. How do you feel?” “wonderful! But the spiders are crawling all over me again.” And the one drug they seem to have the most problem with is steroids. And there are always these poor fuckers who get caught doing steroids And they deny it, and yet they look like a Mardi Gras float. Bubba, are you doing steroids? “no.” Where’s your neck? “I haven’t seen it for a while.” What about your balls? “I don’t know.” You’re taking horse genome. “no!” No. And it’s weird too. Why would people take steroids in football When in football the object of the game is to be a big fucking mountain of flesh breaking past another mountain of flesh And grabbing the little guy and going, “tell me about the rabbits”? That’s the game. But maybe if you get caught doing steroids instead of kicking you off the team you have to take another drug like ecstasy to compensate? It’s gonna make the huddles a lot more fun. You’re gonna come into the huddle like, “hi. sorry about the long count. I just felt such love.” And the other drug that people are doing is human growth hormone. I first heard about human growth hormone from Nick Nolte who was telling me the advances of human growth hormone. He was like, “Robin, human growth hormone is amazing. It’s taking 20– argh!” He went fucking stiff as a board. And I went, “I’ll get back to you, Nick. Good luck.” Insane. But there was one guy– one guy who had an amazing claim to fame in terms of drugs and sport. His name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows– thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on L.S.D. Those who have taken L.S.D, tell the others how hard that might be. Fuck off. If I took L.S.D., I’d be talking to every blade of grass like, “sorry sorry.” To walk into a major-league baseball stadium like… the whole field is like… “fuck fuck fucfuck.” All the fans in the stadium like… the umpire walks out, it’s shiva… [chanting] The catcher steps out. Instead of a mask he’s wearing a Samurai mask. [imitate Japanese] Instead of a glove, it’s a vagina. “come to daddy!” The batter walks out. Instead of cleats, he’s got hooves. Yes, instead of a bat, it’s a cobra. [hisses] You walk out on the mound, even your glove’s going, “this is fucking weird.” The ball– “yes, I love you.” Let’s do this. “do it, daddy, do it.” [chanting] [screaming] Past the cobra, into the vagina. [chanting] For nine fucking innings? Fuck me. It’s like, wow. He should have his own black-light room at the Hall of Fame. When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” And now that I’m 58, my doctor’s going, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” And I realized my doctor’s my dealer now and a lot harder to get ahold of. And he’s always giving me free samples like, “yo, Robin, some lipitor, motherfucker. Try it out. That’s all I can hook you up with right now. I got an H.M.O. on my back, baby. That’s all I can do.” And it’s weird too– these drugs have side effects that go on for fucking days, Like tendency to grow another head. Oh my God. When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine– side effects were paranoia and ninjas on the lawn. I remember that. Quaaludes– side effects were Talking in tongues, English as a second language. I remember that. Marijuana– side effects side were laughter and frosted flakes. That’s all I remember. But now there are side effects which fucking rival the syndrome. There’s a syndrome called restless leg syndrome. What the fuck is that? A tendency to break out into a Riverdance? Like, “oh, dear Christ. Grandma’s got fucking restless leg syndrome. Take care of kids. I’m on my way to Dublin. Take care.” And side effects include compulsive gambling and obsessive sexual behavior. That’s not a side effect. That’s fucking Vegas. They should just give you a bus ticket and say, “good luck.” And how soon before they have a drug where side effects may include rectal ventriloquism? If your asshole starts talking, call the doctor or get friends over ’cause it’s gonna be a fun night. And what a great side effect for a politician. “I was never with that woman.” “liar! Liar! He’s an asshole and so am I!” And the one drug they give you that’s kind of wonderful before the surgery was viagra– A great drug, amazing, a lot of fun. After open-heart surgery– not so much fun. Taking viagra after open-heart surgery is like a civil war reenactment with live ammo– not good. It’s a duel to the death between your dick and your heart. The moment you take it, your penis is like, “I’m 25. Yes! Let’s do this!” And your heart’s going, “bullshit. We’re just back online, you asshole. Slow down. I’m gonna put a cramp in your calf. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’ve still got the hips. Ramming speed, let’s do this.” And your heart’s going, “I’m throwing your back out. Fuck off. Argh!” And your penis is going, “I’m still hard. We’re going in. Yeah!” And your heart’s going, “I’m opening up your asshole.” [blows raspberry] Argh! “are you coming?” “no, I think I’m fucking dying.” And when you finally do come after an hour– And after an hour even my penis is going, “I got shit to do.” After an hour when you finally come it’s like, Argh! Agh! One drop of sperm… With two 50-year-old sperms going, “where the fuck are we? I never thought I’d be called into action. This is crazy.” I’m sure if you had a microscope, they both would have walkers, like, “keep moving. My tail is cramping, God damn it. Head towards the tits. I know my way from there.” And I’m sure there’s two othesperms in my balls going, “wait here. If she puts a finger in the ass, then we go.” Yes, indeed. But there’s another drug– Another drug they don’t tell you is a drug. It’s a class-4 narcotic– alcohol. And the only warning they have on the bottle of alcohol is “don’t drink this if you’re pregnant.” bullshit. That’s how you got pregnant. And alcohol is especially dangerous for people like myself– Alcoholics, or you can say “ethanol-challenged,” whatever you want to call it. And people go, “now, Robin, how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?” Well, as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one– after a night of heavy drinking you wake up fully-clothed going, “hey, somebody shit in my pants.” Number two– you have a couple of cocktails and you find yourself on the freeway going, “what are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?”– number two. Number three– you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta-dah! You are an alcoholic. And some people say, “Robin, I’m a functioning alcoholic.” You can be one. It’s like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others really. And they say alcoholism is peer pressure. Bullshit. Peer pressure for an alcoholic is, “psst, come here.” And I believe alcoholics are God’s rodeo clowns. We’re the ones doing the stupid shit nobody else will do. We’re the ones coming out of chute number five on a fifth of vodka like, “yee-haw!” looking for a woman who’s going, “you’re the one.” “yeah!” And we’re moody little motherfuckers too, ’cause we’ll be like, “Goddamn it, man, I love you. I’ll fucking kill you! Step outside, I’ll kick my ass. Goddamn it, let’s do this! Poor me. Goddamn poor me. Poor me… another drink.” And we think we’re sexy too, ’cause we’ll come up to women going like, “hey, baby. Were your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.” And we see nothing wrong with that. We’ve got backup. If that doesn’t work, we go, “hey, sit on my face. I’ll guess your weight. Yeah!” [barks] And ladies, if you take an alcoholic home for the night, oh, good luck. You’re in for a fun evening. It’s like playing pool with a rope. Good fucking luck. He’ll be like, “I love you. [retching] I love you.” And the next morning, that all-important question, “who the fuck are you?” [bleats] “oh my God. Well, at least I’ll get a sweater. Cool. Fuckin’-a.” ’cause, you see, as an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the devil would go, “dude.” And there’s a voice that tells alcoholics we can drink. It’s the same voice you hear if you can go up to the top of a very large building and you look over the side, there’s a little voice that goes, “jump. You can fly.” Even though your asshole is going, “no, you can’t.” And if you ever thought about jumping off a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and he survived. And he said this– he said, “halfway down I thought it was a bad idea.” And some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily: Ebay– not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism– a perfect storm addiction. You’ll find yourself up to your ass In George Foreman grills and shamwows. Another thing you don’t want to do while really drunk is get a tattoo. I did. I got really loaded. I got a tattoo in mandarin that says “happiness and laughter” right here. I think it says that. I’ve never had a Chinese person that close to my balls Going, “that’s what it says.” But I had a friend get really fucked up and he got a tattoo in mandarin that’s supposed to say “golden warrior.” And a Chinese friend said, “no, it says ‘ass monkey.'” Then the idiot went out and got drunk again and got a tattoo in Hindu that was supposed to say “dawn of enlightenment.” And a Hindu friend said, “no, it says ‘deliveries on Tuesday.'” So he is not the ass monkey who delivers on Tuesday for the rest of his life. And girls, if you want to get that lovely tattoo of the sunrise rising out of your ass crack– gorgeous when you’re 20, but when you’re 50 It’s an octopus chasing a fucking starfish. So no. Be careful. And if they made a drug that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go, “what happens if you take two?” no. ’cause we have these things called blackouts as alcoholics. It’s not really blackouts. It’s more like sleepwalking with activities. Kind of strange. I believe it’s your conscience going into a witness protection program. It’s your conscience going, “you’re about to fuck a hobbit. I gotta go. Good luck.” I’m gonna leave the dick on and after an hour I’m opening up the asshole, but that didn’t stop you Tuesday. Good luck. Take care.” And alcoholics, we’re like assholes. We can’t wait to shit on everybody– family, friends. We’ll be like, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Fuck you. Fuck. I’m fucked.” And they tried to send my ass to rehab, and I went, “yeah yeah yeah.” And I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open. And while I was in rehab I read an article in “The Inquirer” about my being drunk. It was like, “that poor fuck. Oh, fuck, that’s me.” And the weird thing too about when you read articles in “The Inquirer” or “TMZ” and you’re looking at all these assholes going, “those poor motherfuckers.” And only the Germans could come up with the word for that– Feeling pleasure at other people’s misfortune. It’s called schadenfreude. And only the Germans could go, “we found the fucking word for that. God bless you.” I was once on a German talk show. And if you want to go on one, it’s a lot of fun. It’s really fun. And I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, “Mr. Williams, why do you think there’s not so much comedy in Germany?” And I said, “did you and ever think you killed, all the funny people?” [laughter] And it was– And here’s what got interesting. She didn’t bat an eyelash. She just went, “no.” At that point even God’s going, “do you get it?” German comedy: Knock knock, we ask the questions. It’s like the French production of “Anne Frank”– “she’s upstairs!” And we have a German Pope now. How do you get a German Pope? Well, it’s a tough gig. they don’t retire the jersey like Magic Johnson. You stay in the chair to the bitter end. Remember John Paul II? It was like, [imitates Latin] in nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti. We’re lucky he didn’t have dementia in the Yankee Stadium, going, “everybody gets pudding. Chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding.” And when the pope dies, the Vatican finds out you’re dead the old-fashioned way: They have a guy come with a silver hammer– not maxwell– but he comes and he basically comes in– he basically comes in and goes, pwap! And if the Pope goes, “ahh!” “one more week! He’s got another week!” And the moment the Pope dies, they take him through Saint Peter’s Basilica and 50,000 cell phones are like… [clicking] and I’m sure that was his last wish. “when I die, I want to be a screen saver.” And then what happens? The College of Cardinals, they all go into a small dark room and the only thing that comes out is smoke. And I’m going, “what are you doing in there?” And I believe they have da Vinci’s hookah. And they’re inside getting a little loaded, going… [inhaling] “I got a crazy idea. No no no, wait wait wait! Wait, listen, this is crazy. No, wait! The last Pope was Polish, right? Yeah, no, wait– this is a good one! Hold on. How about this? No, wait, this is crazy. How about this? A Nazi!” [laughs] “no no, Hitler youth. It’s like boy scouts with artillery. It’s great! It’ll scare the shit out of the Jews. They’ll be like, ‘oy!'” And I was hoping, rather than a German Pope, they would do something cool like a Latin american Pope, man. That would have been cool, like Pope Enrique. Yeah! That would be cool. And he’d have the cool pope-mobile Like, “Ave Maria! Check it out– [scatting ]” or a Brazilian Pope, ’cause then you could have the samba nuns in the thongs Going, “come on back to the church. Come on back to the church. You know you want to come back to the church. Come on back to the church.” I’m sure the kids would go, “fuck the internet! I’m going back to church.” But it’s weird. The Vatican and homosexuality– oil, water. The Pope is always, “homosexuality is an abomination.” Time out. “you’re the Pope?” “yes.” “you’re dressed like Freddy Mercury’s stunt double. Your purse is on fire and you’re surrounded by hundreds of boys. And you’ve had kind of a problem in the after-school area.” And why is there a problem with pedophilia in the Catholic Church? Well, it’s a big deal. You become a priest– retire this. And once a week, we’re gonna put you in a small dark box and people are gonna tell you their nastiest sexual shit. “bless me, father, for I have sinned.” “yes, my son?” “last night I had sex with two Thai twins, a slip ‘n slide, a diving helmet, and a ferret.” “could you say that slower, my son?” And I believe the Vatican’s gonna come out one day and come out big. It’s gonna be… ♪ in nomine patris… ♪ [loudly] ♪ et spiritus santi! ♪ ♪ one secular sensation ♪ ♪ all the folks you meet ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ ♪ one singular salvation ♪ ♪ every word on the street! ♪ ♪ da da da da da da! ♪ And there still will be the evangelicals going, “homosexuality is a sickness.” And the same Reverend will be caught buying crack from a gay prostitute going, “we were just playing tummy swords.” And then he’ll deny it going, “I did not perform a homosexual act.” “no, you didn’t. Elton John is a homosexual act. You just blew that guy. It’s okay.” And this Reverend went to rehab for homosexuality. I’m going, “I was in rehab. I didn’t see that wing. There was no cockenders in my rehab.” And is homosexuality a preexisting condition? What the fuck? And the other people that come out against the whole thing are the Mormons. They came out against gay marriage big time. And with gay marriage, you couldn’t even say “gay marriage.” In California you couldn’t call it “gay marriage.” It was like, “what do we call it?” “we’ll call it ‘same-sex marriage.'” And people who have been married for a long time are going, “that’s a little redundant. If you’ve been married a long time, it’s always the same sex. Shut the fuck–” What? And then they said, “we’ll call it a union.” Then the union guys get pissed going, “it’s not a fucking union. It’s not ‘local cocksuckers #69.'” And you’re going, “wait a minute, Canada has gay marriage. Do you want all the gay people to immigrate to Canada? Then they’ll win figure skating for the next 200 years! No! They’re already the nicest people on the planet. Do you want them to be the best dressed? That’s bullshit!” And the whole thing– and we talked briefly about this before– the other people that come out against gay marriage were the Mormons. Basically the Mormons– the people that used to do polygamy– they used to perfect polygamy. A Mormon giving marital advice is like the octomom Running a Planned Parenthood Clinic. And if the answer to “who’s your daddy?” is multiple choice, come with me, my friend. And who thought polygamy was a great idea? Who got married and went, “my one marriage isn’t going so well. I’d like to double down.” Fuck off, man! And if you– why would you want another strong opinion? Even if you marry a deaf and a blind girl, they will fucking communicate! And they will work out that you are the asshole. In marriage, I’ve learned this: In marriage there’s penalties for early withdrawal and deposit in another account. Remember that. And alimony doesn’t stop people. Alimony– look at a guy. You could call it all the money and guys would still be going, “I’m in. Let’s do this.” Look at Donald Trump. He’s always going, “this one’s broken. Bring me another one. Ha ha ha!” But maybe there should be a three-strike law with marriage. If you want to get married for a fourth time, you have to give up a body part. Then that might slow people down. Like, “Bob, how many times you been married?” “four times, Robin.” “Ted, how many times you been married?” [garbled] “five times, Robin. Five times.” Larry King would just be a fucking head on a stick. And… You talk about intelligent design– look at the human body. It’s waste-processing plant Near a recreation area. How intelligent is that? And they say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee? Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was the guy going, “Tom, do you have those designs For the human reproductive system?” “I do, Ted. Let’s show you what we came up with. Normally with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to something different for the mammal– The male penis for the human. We call it ‘the collapsible.’ kind of fun. And look at this: Murray came up with the idea of making the covering optional. Thank you, Murray. Way to go. When we take the covering off, it’s a little sharp, a little pointy. We need something on the top to soften it up. Bob, what was your idea?” “a mushroom cap.” “thank you, Bob. We put the mushroom cap on the top and it’s kind of a tool ’cause when it’s retracted, it looks like a little toad stool and when it’s erect like a little soldier– thank you. And Tim put a piece of sting up at the top. Thank you, Tim. I guess to tune it. Thank you, Tim. And we run the semen out the top and urine through– We also run urine through there. We call it multitasking, or ‘coming and going.’ Kind of a fun concept. And initially we just had the sperm stored inside the penis itself like a toothpaste tube– pbbt! Gone. So we need something to store it in and produce it. What was your idea, Carl?” “nuts.” “thank you, Carl. Initially we used walnuts. We’ve had good luck with those in the past.” And the human males are going, “we can’t sneak up on the females.” “what do you mean? Listen.” [clucking] “got it. Forget the coconuts. Let’s try something different! Bob, what was your idea to replace them?” “balls.” “balls! That’s it. Who doesn’t like balls? What fun. Initially we used three balls, and here’s some of the tests with the three balls. They were going everywhere. The male was, like, playing with the balls, playing with the balls. And we went, ‘we’d better put those in a bag.’ So we decided to make a bag and the only thing we had lying around was some old turkey neck. I said, ‘use it! Let’s try it.’ So… We put the balls in the turkey neck and, um… it’s ugly. I think… Yeah. Next to the asshole, it’s one of the uglier things we made, really. And we got some negative feedback from the females who were going, ‘we’re not going down there unless you cover that up!’ ‘okay!’ so we put some garnish around it. And initially we made the hair straight. The females: ‘my eyes!’ ‘okay.’ Curly! We put curly hair. And initially we put the hair everywhere– even the top of the penis. And it looked like my uncle Phil. Like, ‘hey, how are you?’ So we just went with a topiary thing, which was kind of fun. And then the females went, ‘we’ll go down there now.’ Thank you, ladies. Thank you. Which is cool because you can start the penis orally– thank you; Manually– thank you, Manuel, for finding that out; finger in the ass– Ted found that out. He said it was an accident. Kidder. And if you play with the balls, the penis likes that. It’s kind of fun. But we did find out a negative thing about the balls. If you hit them really hard, it’s a total system reset. It’s like… if it was a slot machine, it would pay. It was kind of rough. But that’s essentially the design for the penis. Initially we gave the male about 800 sperms and those were gone in a millisecond. And now we give him 8 to 9 billion, and he shoots them everywhere: tits, drapes. We found some on the ceiling. Those are the overachievers. We hope some make it to the vagina. In terms of the vagina, Carl’s in charge of the vagina project. Carl, what did you come up with?” “well, normally with the mammal vagina, you have the genital slit or opening. We decided to accessorize it.” “what did you accessorize it with, Carl?” “curtains. We just thought it makes it less of an opening and more of a show, really. Kind of– we had some old lips lying around. We said, ‘try those! Let’s give it a go.’ And initially we made it horizontal, and… the damn thing talked. It was weird. And the first time it talked, the males were going, ‘I’m not going down there if it talks! I’ve already got one opinion down here! I don’t need a second one!’ Fine. So now we made it vertical and now it just farts. So– and the first time it went, it was like… [neighs ]. ‘easy, big fella.’ And the asshole got offended, saying, ‘that’s my job!’ ‘okay, hold on. Yours will smell. Not to worry. Not to worry.’ But we needed something kind of special– one last little thing that would really work. And Clint came up with a brilliant idea. And I think we’re gonna name it– it’s kind of wonderful. Clint, what was your idea?” “a doorbell.” “thank you, Clint. You ring the doorbell, the curtains open. It’s kind of fun. Some guys can’t find it. Others don’t know when to stop ringing it. But you ring the doorbell, the curtains open, the penis goes inside. And Tom worked out some choreography for the balls that’s kind of fun. That’s really… it gets everything ready to go. And the sperms fly out up into the human female. She carries the egg. Normally we gave it– we tried first giving the egg to the male. He kept losing it. And we went, ‘fine.’ We gave it to the female. She carries it. And then we thought, ‘the male will be in charge of feeding the infant.’ We gave the human male two breasts. And the male is like, ‘ha!’ ‘okay, nipples. That’s all.’ We thought, ‘the female will be in charge of feeding the infant too.’ So we gave her six breasts like a mammal. And the male was like, ‘ha ha! Ah ha ha!’ ‘two hands, two tits! That’s it.’ And so the female will, carry the infant to term’ and it will come out through the curtains. And they get wide… like Broadway. And she’ll also feed the infant. The male will assist. Ha ha! But we do have one major design flaw. We’ve tried to wire the penis to the conscience and it keeps short circuiting.” And it’s weird too– the whole thing. I mean, every since I was a little boy, it was like, The first time I was cleaning it, it went off. “I’m sorry!” And then later on it was like, breasts. “breasts breasts! Aha ha ha!” Vagina. “vagina vagina!” And by the time you get to be 58, it gets a little more difficult. “okay, here’s what you gotta do: You put a sparkler in your ass. I’ll set my pubic hair on fire. You put on a German army helmet. You jump off the couch yelling, ‘fire in the hole!’ That might work. I don’t know.” And then… If that doesn’t work, there’s always pornography. And the definition of pornography is quite simple: Erotic is using a feather; pornography is using the entire chicken, which is weird. And I’ve been watching a little bit of porn since I’ve been on the road. “a little?” shut up. That’s fine. And with porn movies, they don’t have coming attractions ’cause if it was, you’d be like, “oh, done. Thank you. Fine.” With porn movies, when you’re watching them, it’s basically, they’re an hour and a half long. And who watches an entire fucking porn movie? One guy up there going, “I do.” But an entire porn– an hour and a half long? Even with fast forwarding– fast forwarding you’re like, “ahhhhh! Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!” What? No! And the one thing you don’t want with porn is basically slow motion, ’cause it’s like, “haaa.” Prrrggh! “ahhh!” [slow groaning] And the acting– the acting in porn movies is always so bad. There’s always that one girl who’s like… [giggling] It’s not Miss America. Stay with the dick! What are you doing? And why do they always have to have such bad actors? They’re always like, “I’m going to fuck you… so hard.” Even my right hand is going, “I don’t believe him.” But there’s scripts. There’s scripts for porn movies. Somebody’s writing this stuff going, “‘I’m going to fuck you… So hard… You little whore.’ okay, that’s it for today.” And then they’re on a porn movie set going, “‘I’m going to fuck you…’ Line?” “fuck you hard, you little whore.” “thank you! I just need a moment.” And that’s fucking weird too. And there’s been porn for centuries. Was there radio porn? Was there George Burns going, “well, tea-bag me, Gracie.” I don’t know. Did John Wayne have a “Brokeback Mountain” moment of going, “well, stuffy, we’re going up the old jizzom trail right now. God damn it, here we go.” And Walter Brennan going, “oh, duke, you’re tearing my ass apart! Gad ya! I can’t quit ya! I can’t God damn quit ya!” Was Gregory Peck going, “I’m going to glaze you like a danish.” Did Jimmy Stewart basically go, “well, just play with my balls. Just a little bit. Yeah. Just dangle the twins around. And put a finger in my heinie if you’re a friend. Yeah! Two if you’re a pal. Yeah.” There’s one guy who could do porn and I think we all would watch. That guy is Chris Walken. Oh God, yes. Oh my God, he would be amazing. Chris would be up there going, “I’m… inside you. So deep inside you now, fucking you now, inside you, deep inside you now, yes, now. I came… an hour ago.” And it’s not bad enough they make porn movies. They make porn movies of my movies. They made “Goodwill Humping.” it’s okay. “Wet Dreams May Come.” all right. “Snatch Adams.” that was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, “Popeye” I would watch. Popeye would be like, “oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl, Come on now, yeah! Blow me now. Yeah. Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah. You got no tits and a tight box. Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack! Yeah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ooh! I creamed me spinach! Yeah.” Good night! [cheering] Whoo! Oh my God. Whoo! Whoa! Sit down quick! Thank you. Damn. Shoo! – Thank you. Wow. – Oooh! This is– “oooh!” wow! – [cheering] – oh! Thank you, baby! This is weird. Right now I feel like, “what are you gonna do now, smart ass? You just did, ‘ack ack!’ no, follow that. Good luck, boy.” It’s weird. Some people say I look like Bono, and I’m going, “what the fuck are you on?” But it said that Bono was onstage recently in Scotland and it got very quiet like right now. And he started clapping his hands. And he said, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. And from the back of the Scottish audience, somebody went, “then stop fucking clapping your hands!” It’s weird though. I want to do something kind of special right now and dedicate it to a friend of mine. It was a man I knew– a very interesting guy– Walter Cronkite. Incredible man. And we worked together on a Disney project years ago. [applause] And he was a very eloquent and elegant man, but Walter had another side. Basically, he liked his jokes like he liked his ocean, a little blue. So I would like to do a joke right now for Walter as Walter in his memory. [as Cronkite] a man and his wife are having sex. They’re going at it hot and heavy. Suddenly they hear a noise. It’s their little son Timmy standing in the doorway. Timmy is shocked and runs out of the room. The father goes, “I’ll go talk to Timmy.” He goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door. And little Timmy is giving it hot and heavy to grandma. The father goes, “oh my God.” And little Timmy says, “not so funny when it’s your mother, is it?” Good night! Thank you, D.C.! God bless you! Buenas noches! The peeps in the top! Thank you! May we have health care! God bless you! Have a good night! Whoo! Oh!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Roy Wood Jr.: No One Loves You (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/roy-wood-jr-no-one-loves-you-transcript/

male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Wood Jr. [cheers and applause] If you want more people to stand for the anthem, change the song. That’s half the problem right there. It’s just the lyrics to the anthem. We can stand to any song. Patriotism is a feeling. Let’s not forget that. Patriotism ain’t no one song. As long as we stand and agree that people died for us to kick it, we can do that to any song. You can do that to Bruno Mars. What’s more American than Bruno Mars? They say America is a melting pot. Well, damn it, I want to stand to Bruno Mars. He literally looks like every race at the same time. What’s better than that? What’s more American than us standing with a Hawaiian-Mexican-white- lesbian-Jewish man… To honor the troops? Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please rise as we sing our national anthem, “24 Karat Magic.” Remove your hats and put your pinkie rings to the moon at this time. You mad about the damn anthem. Man, please. Let’s be real about the anthem. First and foremost, the beat is wack. It don’t go hard. You love America, but you ain’t downloaded the national anthem to your phone. If you was at the club and the DJ started playing the national anthem, you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with this DJ?” You ain’t at the DJ booth, “Hey, man, play some of that patriotism shit. That’s what I like. That’s the jam.” I understand it’s supposed to honor the country, but here’s the thing people forget about the national anthem. It ain’t even an original song. It ain’t original. It’s based off a British song. It’s the exact same as the British song, and that’s what you want people to stand up for? First of all, imagine that. Imagine whupping another country ass, getting your freedom, and then to celebrate your freedom, you write a freedom song based on the song of the country ass you just whupped. That don’t even make no sense, and now you running around telling stolen people in a stolen land that they should stand for a stolen song? Come on, bro. That ain’t how the game go. [cheers and applause] Plus, just be real about it, white people. Y’all came at black folks the wrong way. You had bad marketing. If you wanted black people to stand for the anthem, all you had to do was tell us that it was a remix. That’s all you had to do, tell us it was a remix. Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please stand to the remix of “National Anthem,” featuring Puff Daddy and the Family and Francis Scott Key. Either that or made a dance to it. Hand over your heart. Hand over your heart. Everybody salute the flag. Like, that–black people would stand up in a minute. Man, I love doing the Freedom Slide. Don’t you like the Freedom Slide? Hell, yeah. Hand over the heart. Then you salute. Then you– That’s how you do that Freedom Slide, boy. The anthem ain’t even the most disrespectful thing happening at a football game. The most disrespectful thing is when they bring a troop out, let us clap for him, and paint the illusion that they actually care about the veterans. That’s the real BS. Every game they do that, right. They bring a troop out, let us clap for him, but they don’t want to talk about the issues affecting the troop. They bring him out. Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to turn your attention to the field as we welcome home Lieutenant Colonel Commander Fifth General Submarine Driver–he’s braver than your bitch ass. Clap for this hero. And we clap, as we should, but do you ever notice– whenever they bring a veteran out at a football game, you ever notice we give them a round of applause. They give them good seats. The one thing they never give them is the microphone. [cheers and applause] You can’t do that. Just once, I’d love to see a vet just snatch the mic from the PA announcer. Ladies and gentlemen, this brave hero– can we talk about the VA and the homeless? Get the fuck– get your ass over. Now please rise and put your pinkie rings to the moon, as we sing Bruno Mars. Stand for the anthem. You need to stand for that goddamn anthem. That’s what they tell you, right. You need to stand. Do you know how many people trying to get in this country right now? Here’s the thing. What you’re not gonna do is tell me how to voice my disapproval with something. You can’t tell nobody how to complain. That don’t make no sense. [cheers and applause] This is how you got to think about it. This is the only way I can try to explain and make it make sense. This is how you got to think about it. America is basically a restaurant. America is a restaurant that sells equality. That’s all it is. They serve equality, and some of y’all had some delicious equality. It was good. You had great service. And some of us need to speak to a manager. [cheers and applause] You telling black people to stand for the anthem, that’s the same as walking around Applebee’s, telling people not to complain about they food. How you get to dictate how somebody else complain about they situation? You may as well just walk around Applebee’s, “You need to fucking be happy “that you even in this Applebee’s. “You know how many people outside trying to sneak “in this Applebee’s? We had to build a wall around this Applebee’s.” And I’d be like, “Yo, man, you need to calm your ass down. “Get your facts straight. First off, “I was at Red Lobster, minding my business. Y’all brought us to Applebee’s.” [cheers and applause] Chicago, how you doing? [cheers and applause] That’s what’s up. Good to see y’all, man. Good to see y’all. Good to kick it in the Chi. I had to come. Had to come kick it with y’all, man. I was in them trenches with my brother U.S. Floyd, walking around. This bother intervenes with gangs in the fucking city, man. My brother’s right here in the building, man, U.S. Floyd. Now, he’s dressed like a pimp, so let’s excuse that. But in the streets on the South Side, the brother gets respect. He gets respect. And what he does is meaningful work, man. That changed my whole perspective of the world. I saw what he does every day, walking up to gangbangers who mad at other gangbangers. You know how much you got to care about the world to go calm down a stranger? Hey, man, I know something just happened. I know you’re ready to murder, but don’t murder. Hey, man, don’t murder. All right? Good job. I’m gonna turn my back on you now. [cheers and applause] That’s real. I don’t know what we gonna do between us and the police. This shit is getting hard. Every day, police might get called on you while you’re trying to get coffee. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to barbecue. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to mow the yard, take a nap, sell some water. At this point, if you black, the safest thing you can do every day is just call the police on yourself. I mean, the white people gonna call anyway, so you may as well take the power back. Control the narrative. That’s what I’m gonna do every day, call the police and compliment. Say something nice about yourself. Change the perception. 911, what’s your emergency? Ain’t no emergency. It’s just a smooth motherfucker headed to Walgreens. Just checking in. Red jacket, white pants. Don’t shoot me! All units, be advised, male black, Walgreens. Respond code [imitates radio clicking] I don’t know. I don’t know what the–I don’t know what you do. Move too slow, you might get shot. Move too fast, you might get shot. Don’t move, you wasn’t obeying commands, you might get shot. Yo, at this point, like, I ain’t gonna tell y’all how to dress every day so you can feel safe, but I’m gonna start wearing a cap and gown everywhere I go until things cool off for a little while. You ain’t never felt threatened by somebody in a cap and gown, not never. Cap and gown is like a wedding dress. You see somebody wearing it, it make you happy. It change your mood. So that’s what I’ma do. Until we get some real police reform, I’m wearing a cap and gown every day with a fucking middle school diploma in my back pocket, a middle school diploma and an engagement ring. It’s gonna be the saddest story, ’cause you ain’t gonna sweep me under the rug, ’cause this is what’s crazy. We live in a time now where if you get shot on the wrong day, you might not even make it in the news. They’ll sweep your story all the way to the back page. Damn that. I’m gonna be on the front page. If the police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader, I promise you, it’s gonna be a conversation about me. Y’all better riot for my ass. And in other news today, police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader. He’s survived by his three ex-wives and six children. Send a prayer for Mr. Charles. Pay cops more money. Money is part of the solution. It ain’t the only solution, but it’s part of it. Here’s the thing. We love to act like all these good cops just gonna all step up and do the right thing together. Please. Most people don’t do the right thing for the right reason. They do the right thing for the right price. It’s about the money. And don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of good cops out there, man, but not enough to effect change. You got to do something to incentivize. You got to break bread, and don’t tell me you ain’t got the money to pay cops more. Every time somebody get hit over the head, you got to pay a settlement, so take the money you would’ve paid for a settlement and just put that in the cops’ pockets, and they might care a little more. At minimum, just set up a snitch fund. Can we do that? Okay, don’t pay every cop more, just the cops who snitch on the other cops. That’s who you pay. $100,000. $100,000 per snitch. You got police departments paying $200 million, $300 million a year. You put $100,000 per snitch– I promise you, if you started giving cops $100,000 to snitch on other cops, they would be arresting each other at roll call, immediately. You wouldn’t even make it out the police station in the morning. Put your hands up, Sanchez. I saw what you did, Sanchez. I got to get $100,000. Shit, I need $200,000. Arrest me too, Sanchez. We got to go down. Put $100,000 on it. It’ll change everything, I promise you. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna break through that thin blue line just off of morals. Real cops don’t snitch on other cops. Real cops stand tall. You ever notice all that brotherhood, fraternity shit? It’s for jobs where you’re underpaid and nobody appreciates you, so it’s cop and schoolteacher and military. It’s firefighters– it’s all these jobs where you do dope shit, but no one respects you, so they’ve tricked you into thinking that fraternity is a substitute for currency, and it ain’t. Pay them. Give them some money. [cheers and applause] ‘Cause here’s what happens. You start giving cops more money to snitch on each other, it’s a good-paying job. Anybody with a good-paying job knows. You snitch immediately. Ain’t no brotherhood in a job that pay you a real wage. People snitch left and right. You ever notice doctors don’t stick together? Doctors snitch on each other in a heartbeat. Every year in this country, somebody get the wrong leg chopped off, or the doctor leave a butter knife inside you, it ain’t a bunch of doctors in the emergency room talking about, “Real doctors don’t snitch on other doctors.” No. That n i g g a chopped off the leg. Come get his ass. And she gave him too much anesthesia. You get over there with the doctor with your stupid ass. Shit, if you was giving police $100,000 per snitch, I’d become a cop. For real, I’d be the first millionaire rookie police officer. First day, snitching, everybody. I don’t give a damn. Not only would I snitch, I’d brag about it. I’d be a proud snitch. I’d be in the club, VIP, bottles, just… “Yeah, girl. What’s up?” I’d be out there snitching. What’s good, boo? You good? I don’t give a damn. It’d be a family tradition. Find out my son going to college, I kick in his door. What’s this shit I hear about you trying to get an education? You ain’t going to college, boy. I’m a snitch, your mama’s a snitch, and you gonna be a goddamn snitch. That’s right. You got to make snitching a tradition. You got to make it something flashy. You’ve got to show people that doing the right thing isn’t something to be embarrassed about. We got to make snitching great again. [cheers and applause] That might not be the best slogan. I’ll work on– we’ll workshop that.   But in the meantime, we protest. We do what we can to effect some change. We go out, stand tall. Which I got to say, thank you, white people. Thank y’all for showing up a little more to the protests. [scattered applause] It’s been nice these last couple years, seeing more white folks out there. You know, ’cause as a black person, it’s nice to see somebody else cover your shift. It’s a good feeling. You know what I’m saying? You be getting ready to go to the march. You see all these white people on TV. I’m like, “Shit, they got this one. “Stay at the crib. I don’t have to go walk with all them white people like that.” Some of y’all over-protest. Y’all need to scale it back. You’re doing too much at the marches, and I know why you’re over-protesting. It’s ’cause you’re determined to show the world that you aren’t the other people. I understand that, and that’s fine, but some of the stuff y’all doing is out of line, and it’s coming back on black people. It’s people showing up to protest throwing piss balloons. Yeah, throwing piss balloons at Nazis. Which is hilarious. It’s funny. Don’t get me wrong. It’s funny to throw some piss, but it ain’t a solution-oriented activity, and most people at the march are out there for solutions. Once you add piss to the conversation, the conversation stops. And don’t get me wrong. I respect you. I respect your effort, just scale it back. You got to respect anybody showing up to a protest with a bag of piss. That’s dedication. That’s at least three days’ planning. ‘Cause you throwing piss, that’s not a spur-of-the-moment projectile. You’ve got to drink water for a couple days. You’ve got to buy party supplies. You need a funnel. You’re eating asparagus. You’re trying to get everything perfect. You know, that asparagus set it off. This is the rule of thumb. This is the rule of thumb for protest behavior. If Dr. King and them didn’t do it in the ’60s, you ain’t got to do it now. Okay, you ain’t got to do all that extra. And if there’s anybody that would’ve been justified in throwing piss, it’s them civil rights soldiers from back in the day ’cause they was the ones getting done way dirtier than most protests now. They was getting bit by dogs, chased home, house burned, fire hose. I’m shocked Dr. King didn’t turn to Ralph Abernathy. Give me one of them piss balloons, Abernathy. We got to throw them at the oppressors. Give me another piss balloon. [grunts] You can over-protest. They had a ten-day march not too long ago. A ten-day march. It’s too long. A week and a half of just walking. Just walking for a week and a half and they called me thinking I’ma roll with the– hey, man, we’re gonna go down to D.C. We’re marching for ten days from Virginia. Can we count on you? I said, “No, you cannot. You cannot count on me.” I’m not marching nowhere for no ten days. I’ll click the link. I’ll donate some money. You can go march on my behalf. I’m not walking nowhere for no ten damn days, and what make you think any black person got ten vacation days to burn just walking? [cheers and applause] We ain’t got no ten days, not even for freedom. We ain’t got ten days. Look at the civil rights movement. Most of the key moments you can name in the civil rights movement, most of them was three days or less. Get in, get out, keep your job on Monday. Selma to Montgomery, that was two days. Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, the iconic “I Have a Dream” speech was one day. It wasn’t no weeklong extravaganza. I know you see the picture. You see all these black people marching. It was one day. He didn’t even do two shows. He did a matinee and was out. Get in, get out. I have a dream. The mountaintops, one day we gonna get to the–all right, I got to roll. Let’s get it, Abernathy. Secure the bag, Abernathy. Give me one more of them piss balloons. Oh, man. These protests though. You want to do something really meaningful? Go to a protest that has nothing to do with you personally. That’s what we’re seeing more of. I did that for the first time. I did that for the first time. I went to a Muslim ban protest, man, banning the Muslims. This is what they don’t tell you when you go to a protest that ain’t got shit to so with you. You can just leave whenever you want. I never knew that was an option because I only go to black pro–I’m from Birmingham. All we do is go to black protests, and when you’re at a black protest, you there. There’s no leaving. You think black church long, go to a black protest. Better pack a snack and a diaper. Ain’t no sneaking off. I just left the Muslim ban. They waved. See you later. Thank you. I tried to tiptoe away from a black protest. I got two steps away from the group. They said, “Where you going, brother? The struggle is this way.” My bad, fam. That’s on me. I thought we was gonna make that left. We’re making a–okay, the struggle’s–okay, let’s go this way. Okay. You got to respect anybody that’s at somebody else’s protest. You see a lot of that with black folks, man. Black women, man. Black women just be supporting folks, bro. It’s amazing. [cheers and applause] I tell you right now, you see a black woman at your march, get them a hug and $20 and cover they Uber ride home. Uber Black. ‘Cause black people would be perfectly justified in not showing up to anybody else’s march. We ain’t got to show up to your shit. If you’d have listened to us, you wouldn’t even be marching ’cause it happened to us first. Half the stuff you marching about happened to black people first. We was trying to tell you. You see a black person at a march that doesn’t have anything to do with them, that is a gracious, giving soul because black people would be perfectly justified in only tending to issues affecting the black community. We could fill our calendar just walking for black issues, from crime to poverty to unemployment to home loans. Like, we ain’t got the time, man, to be helping everybody, so when people make the time, that’s a blessing. Why you think black superheroes only save black people? They’re busy. They ain’t got the time to save the rest of the world. That’s a luxury that only white superheroes have. My neighborhood’s great. What else is going on out here in the world? Black superheroes got to focus on they block. I watched Luke Cage.” Luke Cage is my show. [cheers and applause] Love Luke Cage. Luke Cage. If you don’t know nothing about comic books and superheroes Luke Cage is this TV show about an indestructible black man. The brother is bulletproof, super strength. He’ll throw a truck at you like a football. You would think with his résumé, he would be somewhere with Iron Man trying to save the universe. This motherfucker never leaves Harlem. He ain’t got the time. Whole TV show, eight blocks. That’s all it is. Luke Cage ain’t got time to be saving everybody. He ain’t even got time to go to Hell’s Kitchen to help Daredevil. That’s how busy Luke Cage is. Can’t even take the 1 line. Luke Cage don’t care about the rest of the world. Luke Cage is like, “Look, until Thanos come by the Apollo Theater, “that ain’t none of my business. Sweet Christmas.” It’s not that black people don’t care about what you’re going through. I promise you, we care. It’s just some of us don’t have the time. Shit, black people folks ain’t even got the strength to help other black people. Black Panther didn’t even have time to help the rest of Africa. That’s how busy he was. All them powers, all them weapons, you’re telling me Black Panther couldn’t swing by South Africa and free Mandela real quick? He didn’t have the time. He was only worried about Wakanda. That’s what half the movie was about. Half the movie Black Panther was about him using his powers to help the rest of the world. He had to get his ass whupped by his cousin before he would even consider it. The whole movie, Black Panther, “Brother, we cannot concern ourselves “with the rest of the world. “Wakanda is what– [shouts] “I have reconsidered my position. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will go drink more of my magical grape soda.” It’s not that we don’t care. We don’t have the time. Why you think you don’t see Samuel L. Jackson in half these Avengers movies? Motherfucker busy. You ever notice that? Half of these Avenger movies, Samuel L. Jackson will be in the movie half the time. Sam Jackson appears at the very end of the movie. All this shit done went on the whole movie, and then here comes Samuel L. Jackson at the very end. Good job, motherfuckers. You did it. Here’s your next mission. It’s a god from another universe that can destroy the world with the snap of a finger. Good luck with that. I got to go to a protest. Police just shot a 40-year-old eighth grader. [cheers and applause] We got boycotts now, boycotts left and right. Boycott, boycott, boycott. You mess around and don’t get on the Internet one day, you missed the new boycott, and then people attack you. They attack you for something you just honestly didn’t know nothing about ’cause you hadn’t been on the Internet today. That’s how I found out about the chicken sandwich and the gay marriage. That’s how I found out about that, on the sidewalk. You know, I’m on the sidewalk. I’m chilling. Didn’t know that there was an issue with the gay marriage and I’m just sitting there, eating my Christian chicken sandwich. Delicious. I’m eating my Christian chicken sandwich, and two gay men walk by, and they just look at me, look at the sandwich, and one of them goes, “No,” and just walked. And that pissed me off ’cause I thought he was fat shaming me. I’m like, “Hold on, bro. You ain’t gonna fat shame.” So I chased him. I chased this gay man, and I got in his face with my chicken sandwich. I said– [chomping] I didn’t understand what that gesture meant at the time. I just didn’t know. You know, you do better. That’s how it go. At this point with boycotting, man, shit, man, we need… we need an app. That’s the only way to keep up with all these boycotts. These boycotts be coming down so damn fast. You can’t keep up with all these damn boycotts, man. You just need an app, just your phone. You punch in your political beliefs, and then anytime you get too close to one of them stores, your phone just goes, “Mm-mm. Mm-mm.” I’d pay $2 for that. Food boycotts are the toughest for me. I don’t know which boycotts y’all go through, but everybody in this room done had one, at least one thing when they called the boycott, you was like– [groans] The rest of them boycotts I can do, no problem. You tell me not to buy a shirt from a store, cool. You say don’t watch the NFL, cool. I’m a Dolphins fan. I ain’t missing nothing, so that’s easy for me. But when you say food, that’s a whole nother world, ’cause only one company that I think makes food good enough to maybe, maybe navigate outrage. It’s one company I think might be close to being boycott-proof. It’s McDonald’s. McDonald’s is delicious. I’m sorry. I know some of y’all got money now. You eat hummus, so you got bread. Whatever. But don’t act like McDonald’s wasn’t the sustenance of your childhood, you ungrateful asshole. [cheers and applause] Like Ronald McDonald ain’t have your back. McDonald’s is delicious. This is how good–this is how delicious McDonald’s is. This is how delicious McDonald’s is. McDonald’s just recently started giving us all white meat chicken nuggets. At no point did we stop to ask what the nuggets was made of before that. We just kept eating them. It’s all white meat now? Oh, shit yeah. That’s good right there. Yeah. McDonald’s is delicious. They got that damn McRib. Some of y’all act like you’re too good for the McRib. That McRib, man. Do you know how arrogant you got to be as a company to just offer a sandwich and then just take it away when you feel like it? You be in McDonald’s, scratching. You ain’t got no more McRibs, man? When they coming back, baby? When does it return? McDonald’s might be boycott-proof. I don’t know, man. ‘Cause here’s what McDonald’s does. McDonald’s does some smart shit that no other company does. Like, McDonald’s has figured out a way to always address issues in the black community. They always in the hood. McDonald’s got a Twitter account separate from regular McDonald’s where all they do is talk to black people. This is what McDonald’s does. This is why McDonald’s is slick as hell. McDonald’s got a commercial where all they do is just recap everything they did for black people that year. No other company does that. No other company that I can think of has the negro recap commercial every year. It comes on during black TV shows, so, white people, I’m sure ain’t none of y’all seen it, but this is a real commercial, and I’m not talking about the black McDonald’s commercial. I’m not talking about some motherfucker with a nugget talking about, “Yeah, put that love in the nugget. I eat a nugget.” Not that. This is a totally separate commercial. There’s no music. They’re not trying to sell you anything. It’s no crazy camera angles and moves. It’s just a kid flipping burgers, a little high school kid working the grill, and then you just hear a voice come on the commercial. Did you know McDonald’s and the United Negro College Fund… [cheers and applause] Gave $40 million to send these kids to college? If it wasn’t for McDonald’s, people like Terrence here might still be robbing your ass. Ain’t that right, Terrence? McDonald’s. It’s brilliant. It’s brilliant marketing. So the next time a black person get knocked out at a McDonald’s, they just gonna be like, “Hey, look, we sent Terrence to college.” McDonald’s does so much with the black community, man, the boycott wouldn’t be instant. There would be a conversation. They do the McDonald’s All-American Game every year. If you’re not up on sports, the McDonald’s All-American Game, every year, McDonald’s takes 24 of the best high school basketball players, puts them in the same gym in front of pro scouts, college scouts, foreign scouts, giving them an opportunity to take their talents to feed their family and change the trajectory of their whole fucking namesakes. Taco Bell ain’t never done no shit like that for us. [cheers and applause] At this point, McDonald’s could just show a commercial of black people doing anything and just put a voice-over to it, and they’d take credit for it, and black people would be like, “That’s all right, McDonald’s.” It could be anything. It could be a brother just– it could be two dudes just shooting dice in an alley, just– Did you know McDonald’s gave this boy Terrence half a kilo to get back on his feet? He took that kilo and flipped it a couple of times, and now he’s got the best dope in the city. Ain’t that right, Terrence? McDonald’s. Arby’s ain’t never done that. I like Arby’s. McDonald’s is delicious, but I like Arby’s too, man. I do. I like Arby’s. I like the commercial ’cause the commercial is just so straightforward. It ain’t no jingle. We have the meats. That’s it. No nothing else. It’s just Ving Rhames. Meat. That’s what we have. We have the meats. Could you imagine if that’s how Arby’s employees talked? This is my first time here. What do y’all specialize in? Meat! We have the meats! Ving Rhames in them Arby’s commercials sound like a fed up black father. That’s why you couldn’t even have–even if Arby’s did do shit like that for black people, they couldn’t have Ving Rhames doing the audio for the commercial. Did you know Arby’s helped this little bastard get into a college, and now he talking about he don’t want to go to college no more. Look at the camera with your ungrateful ass. We have the meats. McDonald’s is delicious. McDonald’s so good, McDonald’s be the first restaurant black people would have to boycott one sandwich at a time. We wouldn’t quit McDonald’s cold turkey. You know how every other boycott, you just cancel the whole store. Old black lady get knocked out. One of them black leaders come on TV. It’s been brought to our attention that McDonald’s likes to punch old black people in the face. Well, until we get justice, we, the black people, will no longer be eating… the McChicken, just the McChicken, until we get answers. McDonald’s is delicious. We don’t do enough caring for each other, man. I think that’s part of who we are. ‘Cause to me, like, we don’t even want to learn what other people are going through. Like, that’s the biggest rift is that, as a country, to accept somebody else’s truth, you got to be open to learning their perspective on their walk through this country, and people are like, “I don’t want to fucking learn.” We ain’t got time. And we don’t like learning. That’s what it really boils down to in America. We don’t like learning. To learn new stuff, that means you got to sit and read. Especially if you ain’t in school no more, you’ve got to force yourself to learn what somebody else is going through, and we don’t like learning. We hate learning new stuff. We don’t even like updating our cell phone. That’s how much we hate learning new stuff. You got a damn $1,000 phone in your pocket right now. Every week, your phone send you a message and be like, “Hey, man, if you hit this button, I’ll be a better phone.” And what we do? Fuck that. Maybe later. Ain’t got time to be learning no new phone. Just be the phone you was when I bought your ass. We hate learning. We don’t like learning new stuff. Look at graduations. That’s all a graduation is. A graduation is just the celebration of the end of learning. That’s why we dance at the graduation. I ain’t got to read shit else. You snatch the diploma. Give me the diploma. Hell yeah. Then you put the diploma on a wall in a frame, so everybody can see. That’s all a diploma is. A diploma is just a sheet of paper showing the exact day you stopped giving a fuck about everything. [cheers and applause] And that’s when people go back to their diploma. Well, that ain’t how it was back in my day. See, I got a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned everything. We don’t like learning. The only thing we hate worse than getting new information is having to relearn old information. Somebody told you something was one way. You bought into it your whole life, and then on a dime, the U-turn tell you what you knew was false, and we get– [scoffs] Remember when they told us Pluto wasn’t a planet no more? People lost they damn mind. Hey, remember that planet that we thought was a planet? Yeah? It ain’t a planet no more. Fuck you, motherfucker! It is a planet! You can go to hell. It is a planet. Pluto is a planet. I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned it was a planet. I’m like, “No, it’s not a planet. It’s okay.” We reject new information. That’s why we are at this crossroads with LGBTQIA issues and trans issues, ’cause, like, people don’t want to accept somebody else’s truth. Just kick back and just listen to what other people are going through. Learn something. Because… [cheers and applause] Like, it’s hilarious to me that people don’t even care about just basic, simple– like, something as simple as just calling somebody a different name. You can’t do that? You can’t do that? You just can’t call someone a different name? Somebody named Jack want to be called Jill. You can’t do that? You can’t even do that? Is that– is that asking too much? Hey, man, this person used to be called Jack. They want to be called Jill. Can you call them Jill? Fuck, I can’t call them Jill. Can’t be calling nobody no different name ’cause they feel like a lady. I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned all the genders. One, two. That’s it. Somebody named Jack want to be called Jill. You can’t do that? Meanwhile, half your favorite entertainers been performing under a fake name, and you ain’t had no problems with that. I ain’t finna call you Jill. Meanwhile, you think Ice Cube is his real name? Really? Or maybe he just gave you a name he wanted to be called. Maybe, just maybe. [cheers and applause] Hulk Hogan’s real name is Terry. Let that sink in while you refuse to call a trans person what they want to be called. Sweaty-ass Hulkamania, Hulk fucking Hollywood Hogan is a n i g g a from Tampa named Terry. But you can’t call Jack Jill but Hulk Hogan– Come on, man. We just don’t do enough caring about people, man. The only time you see Americans really come together is during storm coverage. That’s it. As far as I can tell, that’s the only time you see people really putting issues aside and helping each other is when the floodwater up to here. Ain’t no politics when the floodwater up to here. It’s just people helping people. It’s black people on the roof, white people in the boat pulling up. Get in, buddy. Come on. [imitates engine puttering] Which, sidebar, black people, we got to start buying boats. It’s time. [cheers and applause] It’s time. Okay? If you got people live close to the water, get them a basic-ass, get-off-the-roof boat. It ain’t got to be nothing expensive. Just– This don’t cost a lot. But that’s how we are, man. We don’t care about people until they messed up in a group. That’s when we go, “Okay, we got to do something. It’s a bunch of them. Now I care.” We help all these people during storm relief, and it’s a beautiful thing. Every time Americans get messed up in a storm, we step up, send money, send clothes, do whatever we can, but it’s only 2 million homeless people coast to coast. We got a bunch of homeless people coast to coast in this country, but we don’t do nothing for them ’cause they ain’t homeless in a group. Yeah, we don’t care ’cause they sprinkled all over the country, which is why, if you’re homeless–if I was homeless, I would just start watching the Weather Channel… And just wait to see where the storm’s swirling and just head straight there and just lay underneath some rubble and wait for them to dig me up, and I spring up. Hey, I lost everything too. Where’s my assistance? I’m a veteran. I thought you cared about me. We pretend to care but only as far as it will benefit us most of the time. We don’t want to accept other people’s truths as reality, because to learn requires you to face some truth. Truth is overwhelming, so it’s easier to just deny it and go, “That ain’t happening.” It’s quicker. It’s easier. Hey, men are touching us, and we want you to stop touching us. Fuck that. That ain’t happening. No, it is. It’s happening. Men are touching us. We want you to stop touching us. Well, when? Motherfucker, I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says it was okay to touch people from back when we were touching people. No, we’ve reevaluated, and much like Pluto, we’ve decided that’s a planet we don’t want to live on anymore. [cheers and applause] And they’re like, “No.” Fellas, if you ain’t learned shit else from this Me Too movement, I hope you’ve learned how not to apologize. You should be ironclad with your girl by now, ’cause these apologies, oh, my God, them things is rough. Did you touch that woman? [stammering] I do not recollect my recollection of the events of the evening and are unfortunate. I do not recollect. Anytime somebody use the word “recollect,” some shit went down. That ain’t no regular-ass word. Anybody who say “recollect,” that ain’t no regular conversational word. Ain’t never in your life when you arguing with your girl have you said the word. Are you cheating on me, yes or no? It’s unfortunate that your recollection does not match my recollection. ‘Cause what I’m noticing from these apologies, you see how much power these men have. Like, this is how you know they had a lot of power. It’s men apologizing for harassing women, but within the apology, telling you when they last day of work gonna be. You know how much power you got to have to get caught grabbing somebody on the ass– you grabbed somebody on the ass. Did you grab her? Yeah, I grabbed her. Then you’re gonna leave? Yeah, but I got to stay onboard with the transition team. Like, no. Go home. You don’t have to hang around. We’ll figure it out. Like, that would never happen at a regular job. If you worked a regular-ass job, they not gonna let you stay onboard. If you got caught grabbing asses at fucking Burger King, they ain’t gonna let you keep making Whoppers. Did you touch that woman? Well, it’s unfortunate her recollection does not match my recollection, but I plan to stay onboard with the Whopper team to ensure quality sandwiches for the constituents. That’s not how it goes, man. That’s not how it goes. But, you know, these men are caught up. It’s not a lot you can do. If you get caught up in Me Too allegations, boy, you can either apologize. You can be quiet. Some dudes did it way wrong. Kevin Spacey tried to play the gay card, which that did not go over well at all. Did you touch those boys? Listen, I don’t–I’m gay. [imitates explosion] Like, he thought it was, like, gonna make him disappear. I’m gay. Like, no, we still see you. We still see what’s going on. You got to do something to try and get the sympathy, man. You see what Bill Cosby did. He went blind. That was a slick move. Almost worked. Bill Cosby played that cripple card. Did you know–did you touch those women? What women? Who? You’d think by now, half of these men caught up in Me Too allegations would’ve had enough sense to drop a R&B album to take people off the scent. [scattered groans and applause] I mean, if you gonna be a piece of shit, do it the right way: Drop some hits. ‘Cause if you do music the right way, it gives you a little longer time to be a bad person. You know, ain’t nobody care about Kevin Spacey. Ain’t nobody getting pussy to House of Cards. You don’t care about that. But when you start accusing musicians of that stuff, people get defensive because they’re guarding their own memories, because that music is attached to something special in their life, or it brings them back to a special person in their life, so for them to reject that musician who may or may not be treating women badly, they ain’t ready to do because they’ll put themselves– they’ll put their happiness over your humanity, and that’s just what it is. Some people just don’t care. They’d rather fucking step than take a stand, you know. You got to do something though. Ain’t but one person successfully escaped Me Too allegations, and that’s Hugh Hefner. He died, which I got to say, well played. Did not see that coming. That was a slick-ass move out of Hef. Hugh Hefner got the fuck up out of here, didn’t he? Hugh Hefner died the week before the Weinstein allegations went public. You think that was a coincidence? The playmates–playmates in the Playboy Mansion were getting ready to roll on Hugh Hefner, and he saw the opportunity and talked it over with his team and was like, “I’m out this bitch.” Mr. Hefner, there’s gonna be allegations coming out, and the women say [gibberish]. How do you want to handle it? That’s a good question. I’ll be right back. [choking and gasping] No, ’cause here’s the thing that Hugh Hefner knew that the other Me Too men hadn’t figured out yet. If you die, all this shit goes away. It does. That’s how it is in America. If you die before the truth comes out about you–like, if you die before somebody says something bad about you, it don’t count. All you have to do is die. You know what’s crazy, you die–not only that. You die, people defend you. You have way more defenders in death than you ever do when you living. People defend you. Anybody in this room, we could die tonight. They find ten bodies at the house. They be like, “Well, let’s not talk about the bodies. “Let’s remember the good times that Terry gave us. Did you know he worked at McDonald’s before he became”– You got to die on time. It’s the secret to life, people. People tell you all this different stuff, the secret to life. I’ll tell you the secret to life. The secret to life is knowing when to end life. You got to die on time. If you think you’re gonna get accused of doing some bad shit, you got to die on time. It’s the only way to preserve your reputation and your money. Joe Paterno almost didn’t die on time. Barely made it. Bang-bang play at the plate. Safe. He got in. Joe Paterno almost didn’t die on time. Did you know them kids was getting molested while you was coaching football? You know what, that’s a very good question. I’ll be right back. [choking and gasping] You got to die on time. Say what you want about death, but as a crisis management tool… They went in there and talked to Hef. He was like, “Mr. Hefner, a lot of the playmates “are coming forward with allegations about you. We’ve drafted a statement.” I don’t need no statement. Go upstairs and get my casket. Mr. Hefner, you don’t have to. We can fight this. Just say “recollect” 12 times. I ain’t saying no “recollect.” Go upstairs and get my casket. Put some snacks in it. I’m out this bitch. Wakanda forever. And he just sank down into the ground. [cheers and applause] You have to die on time. The secret to life is knowing when to die. I don’t give a fuck. Quote me on that. Put it in a meme. When I’m dead, put my picture beside that quote. Yeah, it’s just that, to me, I look at the world, and I feel like there’s just not enough caring about one another, and if people cared more about the next man, then we would all be better. I was watching some storm coverage in Houston when the hurricanes hit, and there was these fire ants, and when a fire ant nest gets flooded, all the fire ants cling together and form an ant raft, and they just fucking float. Something that should kill them, they survive because they know they have to rely on each other, and ants periodically take turns rotating from the bottom up to the top and working and saving the larvae and the queen, and I saw these ants floating down a Houston street, and that’s when I knew there’s no hope for humans. We are a long way from being the fire ants. But we got to try. We got to try. The media doesn’t help though. The media doesn’t help. Stuff happens in this country, and the first thing we do, we talk about it for a second, and then we argue about it, and then we move on to the next thing that happened. At no point do we stop to analyze the things and the circumstances that led up to that event, so that maybe you could have a real conversation about prevention. You know, we don’t talk about that. We don’t dig deep for that, and that’s where we are. Nobody cares enough to drive that conversation, especially not in the media. The media don’t give a damn. The media is all about ratings. Money over morals, man. Clickbait, clickbait, clickbait. Oh, that’s good. They clicked it. Ooh. They give you an article. Some shit happened, and then they argue about the shit. That’s the news. This just in, some shit happened. What do you think about it? I think it’s good. I think it’s bad. Well, fuck, I hate to cut in. Some new shit just happened. What do you think about the new shit that we just cut you off from the old shit? I think it’s good. I think it’s bad. I hate to cut in. Some new shit just happened. That’s where we are with the news. At no point is it a conversation about solutions. I’ll give you a perfect example of this. I don’t know how many of y’all are familiar with the Facebook shooter. The Facebook shooter was– it was this guy a while back who was in a relationship with a woman. They broke up after three years, and because he couldn’t deal with the breakup, he decided to just ride around on Facebook Live, and he told her on Facebook Live. He told this woman on Facebook Live. He said, “Until you take my phone calls, I’m gonna ride around and just shoot at random people.” Yeah, and he kept his word, and this was extra bad ’cause this was a black dude, which is, like, extra stressful for us. You know, anytime a black person go crazy, it’s stressful ’cause you got to be nice at work for the next week and a half. You know, you got to, like, work harder to improve black stereotypes. Anytime a brother go crazy, you got to come to work in a suit for the next three months. How y’all doing? This is my “not all of us are shooters” jacket. Got this at Nordstrom’s Rack. But the Facebook shooter. The Facebook shooter, he rides around shooting at people because a woman won’t take his phone calls, no reason more than that. Just a woman won’t take my call. And there was a four-day manhunt. The brother’s picture was everywhere, every channel, Food Network, Nick Jr., every, every– That’s when you know they gonna find you, when your picture is on Nick Jr. When your shit coming on between episodes of “Paw Patrol,” oh, please believe they gonna track you down. They catch the Facebook shooter three, four days into the manhunt. He pulls into a fast food spot, and the woman in the drive-through recognizes him, and she did something that I know I wouldn’t have done for minimum wage. She stalled him. She stalled him. She looked a certified, cold, lunatic in the face and said, “Sir, it’s gonna be a minute on your fries.” Would you mind waiting?” Now, I don’t know what y’all do when y’all was working for minimum wage, but I did the minimum. [cheers and applause] That’s maximum. I don’t do maximum for minimum. If I’m working at McDonald’s and I see the Facebook shooter through the glass, that’s my last day at the McDonald’s. Hey, I’m gone. I’ll make up a reason. I’ll make them fire me. I’ll be like, “Look, in the coming weeks, “there are some truths about me you’ll discover. “I don’t recollect her accusations of the recollect– I got to go.” So this brave McDonald’s worker, she goes in the back and calls the police. The police roll up. Facebook shooter speeds off. Three, four blocks later, they catch up with him, and they corner him. The Facebook shooter takes his own life, which is a horrible story, very sad. The national conversation in the media after this happened, it wasn’t about mental health; it wasn’t about gun control. It was about whether or not Facebook Live is a useful tool. That’s it. That’s all we gonna talk about? After all this shit that went down, that’s what we gonna talk about, whether or not Facebook Live– A brother who was completely sane two days earlier snapped like that and was the most wanted man in the country. You have to sit and have a conversation about mental health and what we can do to get people the help they need before they hurt other people. [cheers and applause] Because if you’d have paid attention to the Facebook shooter, you would’ve known that there’s a need to have a conversation about mental health. If you’d have paid close attention to the Facebook shooter, you’d have known that there is a need to have a conversation about domestic abuse and why some women can’t just leave a man because he might snap and try to kill everybody, and if you really paid close attention to the Facebook shooter, he would’ve shown you just how delicious McDonald’s is. He was on the run from the feds and still stopped to get fucking nuggets. Good night, Chicago. [cheers and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-fire-in-the-maternity-ward-transcript/

Now… my best friend’s wife is a born again Christian, and we do not get along at all. The other day, she called me up to yell at me, saying I’m a terrible influence on her husband because he called her a bad name. I said, “What? Did he call you a bitch?” She said, “No, Anthony. He did not use the B word.” I said, “Uh-oh.” “Did he call you a cunt?” She said, “No.” I said, “Well, then he didn’t hear it from me.” Yeah, that’s pretty much the greatest opening joke of all time. Because even if you’ve never heard of me before, which I doubt… you listen to that first joke, you’re like, “Oh I get it. He’s fucking brilliant.” My sister just had a baby. My sister had a baby to try to save the relationship. But I still don’t talk to her. Guys, this is gonna take forever. Um… Life can be funny sometimes, all right? Like, I can’t get into details right now. But earlier this week, I received the single greatest phone call of my life. And then just five minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital. I said, “Yeah, I just heard.” I mean, look, I don’t want to give you guys the wrong impression, you know. I didn’t hate my father. My father wasn’t a bad guy. For instance, I never once, not once, not ever, ever saw my dad hit my mother. I mean, he was quick and you can’t… you can’t teach speed. That comes from here. I remember when I was 13, my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson’s and my dad just gave up immediately. Said, “I can’t deal with this, I can’t live like this,” and packed up his car. So, as a 13-year-old boy, I had to be the one to roll up my sleeves and say, “Okay. Guess I’m going with Dad. Sounds like Mom needs some alone time.” I think, like a lot of guys…. I’ll never forget the one time I saw my dad’s penis. I said, “Dad, don’t text me shit like that.” When I was a kid, my family used to move around a lot. But now they’re all fat as fuck. To give you an idea… To give you all an idea of how crazy my family is, I’m not even the biggest asshole in my own family. I have this cousin. Everybody hated this cousin, my own family hated this cousin. And then a couple of years ago, my cousin fell off of a horse and broke his neck. We all refer to that as “the Superman incident.” Because that horse is a hero. When I was in high school, my high school employed a blind janitor. One hundred percent totally blind. And all the other kids would joke around that he went blind from masturbating too much. And at the time, I believed that. I was just a kid, I didn’t know any better. It wasn’t until I got older, wiser, I realized that’s just an old wives’ tale they used to use to… try to explain why he was always masturbating. One of my good friends is a narcoleptic. A narcoleptic. It’s the craziest shit. One minute, we’re having a conversation, like, everything is completely normal. And then the next thing I know, I’m having sex. It’s… Did everybody get that one? If you didn’t get that last joke, don’t worry. This next joke is just like it. Only dumb. One of my old friends from high school now works as a doctor in the emergency room. He once told me that 25% of his job is pulling strange objects out of people’s asses. We don’t talk much anymore. But I see him all the time. If you didn’t get either joke, how did you figure out Netflix? I live in Los Angeles. Like you fucking wish you could. Yeah! I like my place. I’m not that crazy about my neighbors. Like, I live on the same street as three different families of Jehovah’s Witnesses. And no matter how many times I tell them, “No, absolutely not,” they still come by twice a week and say, “Anthony, please stop throwing rocks at our houses.” “Don’t push your religion on me.” And they’re not even the worst of my neighbors. One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door, and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means… that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I have thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning, but to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face. Yeah, for some reason, that joke’s a crowd-pleaser. My grandmother is suffering from dementia right now. She forgets who she is, wanders out of the house and gets lost for hours. It’s a problem. So what I did… is I tied a bell around her neck. Sounds inhumane, sure. But problem solved. I mean, that thing is… really heavy. If you’re not laughing right now… …the problem is your imagination. Don’t get mad at me ’cause you don’t know how big bells can get. I remember, like, a couple weeks after my grandfather died, my father discovered a giant trove of vintage pornography. Frankly, an embarrassing amount of vintage pornography. So I blamed it on Grandpa. My grandfather died a couple of years ago. But he died like a king. No one was even mad. My grandfather died in what has to be the best way possible. My grandfather died in a hammock, on a beach in Hawaii during a sunset. That’s how I want to go out. Strangled to death. It just seems like fun. You know, sometimes… Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone. Like, do I have it in me to take a human life? And then I remember… Oh, yeah, Debbie. How do you… How do you forget Debbie? She was special. Speaking of special, went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, found that I’m special. Went to the doctor, took a blood test. My results came back. Doctor told me my blood type is O-negative. You know what that means? Means I’m the fucking best. Means I’m a universal donor. Means I can give my blood to anyone else in the world who also has AIDS. Uh-huh. I am not afraid to say this, I hate pretty much every single religion in the world. -Let me repeat that. I hate pretty much every single religion in the world. Did you know there’s a religion called Christian Science, where they believe that even if their own children are sick and dying and all they need to save their lives is a little bit of medicine, their beliefs won’t let them give their own children that medicine. That’s the only good religion. I was like, “Get me a cup that I can put toothbrushes in.” All right, guys, listen, jokes are all well and good. I’d like to take a couple of minutes right now and talk about something that is important to me. And I will preface this by saying there’s a lot of people right now who say that stand-up comedians should just stick to comedy, and not talk about anything else. I disagree. I think that stand-up comedy doesn’t always have to be funny. Stand-up comedy doesn’t always have to be entertaining. Sometimes, it’s about speaking truth to power. Sometimes, it’s about pointing out wrongs in the world, even though it might not be popular. So please, indulge me. With all the terrible things going on in America right now, and you know exactly what I’m fucking talking about… With all the terrible things going on in this country right now, the thing that drives me the most crazy are the people who see all this awful stuff happening, and they still flip out over the little things. My biggest pet peeve in America today are people will see all this horrible stuff going on and yet they still overreact to shit that just does not matter. For example… have you ever dropped a baby? Holy shit, do people overreact! You drop a baby in America today, I swear people hit the roof before the baby even touches the floor. And it’s not a big deal. How do I know? Because I do it all the time. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever held a baby… to completion. And you might be thinking, “Anthony, how could you drop a baby?” You ever held a baby? How could you not? It’s so easy. It’s a two-step process. Maybe less. Should you ask, “Anthony, why would anyone ever let you hold their baby?” The answer is simple. Negligence. I love it. It’s a hobby. The only negative, the only drawback, as far as I’m concerned: the embarrassment. People try to shame you when you drop their baby… …even though I almost always make it look like an accident. That’s why this is so great. You ever do this? You ever drop a baby… and then scoop it right back up before anybody sees you? No shit, -best feeling in the world. You just hand the baby back and no one is the wiser. Especially… not that baby. Happened to me just last weekend. I was at a party. One of my friends come up and said, “Anthony, I got to go to the bathroom. Will you hold my baby?” And I tell the truth. I’m always a hundred percent honest. I say, “Yeah… for a little bit.” Held that baby 30, 45 seconds, a personal best. Dropped the baby. Scooped it right back up before anybody saw me. And it was close too. Had to run down three flights of stairs. I’ll be honest, I don’t really understand how the legal system works in this country. I think it’s unfair, needlessly confusing. I’ll give you an example. One of my next-door neighbor’s kids is climbing a tree on their property. Falls out of the tree and lands on my fence. Now I’m being told I’ve got to get myself a lawyer… if I want to keep my half of the kid. How is that fair? And who’s going to reimburse my taxidermy? I have a two-year-old nephew. Two years old, already been to the hospital 27 times for eating pennies off the floor. What the fuck? Honestly… it’s like I can’t drop enough pennies. I’m gonna blow your minds right now. I’m gonna blow your minds out the back of your heads. You ready? I don’t like kids. There’s this nine-year-old girl. Tiny little nine-year-old girl. Tiny little nine-year-old girl lives in my neighborhood… with a glass eye. Scares the shit out of me. Terrifies me to my very core. Anytime she sees me, she just fucking chases me around. Until she gets her eye back. It is the worst… Now, that’s a fun joke for you guys, I’ll explain why. It’s got incredible value. It’s two laughs for the price of one. You get to laugh at what I said, which was hilarious. And then you get a second laugh when you picture me… …stealing a child’s glass eye. And most people when they picture it, they see me just running up and snatching it out of her head and running away. Wrong. You don’t want to just snatch out somebody’s glass eye. You know why? Because if you guess wrong… You guess wrong, now it’s not just a funny prank anymore. Now you’re in some trouble. In fact, that’s how she lost the eye in the first place. What you want to do, if you’re ever in this situation… …hit her on the back of the head, not hard. It’s a child, you don’t want to hurt it. Just hard enough to… get that sweet glass eye. I find that the older that I get, the more women get upset when you talk about kids. I don’t mean joke about kids, I mean they get upset when the subject of children is brought up. Like, I have a friend who just found out she can’t have kids… according to Child Protective Services. Hey, did you guys know… Did you guys know the average person eats nine spiders whenever I cook for them? I don’t know if you guys know what a false premise is, but… I have this cat. I think it must have been a stray cat because anytime it gets outside, it immediately runs off, kills something, drags it back in, and leaves it at my feet. I’ve had this thing for, like, a month and I swear we have got… quite the competition going. I don’t even like cats, if I’m being honest. More a dog guy, me. I used to have a Great Dane. You guys know what a Great Dane is? One of those big, tall, skinny dogs. Marmaduke was a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo. They call them the “heartbreaker breed,” because they normally only live up to eight years, but with the right diet, exercise, attention… I got it down to four. It was great. It was the perfect college dog, it really was. Oh, you think I can’t tell one more animal joke? Well, fuck you. Listen to this… When I was a little kid, I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. Then one summer, I went away to camp. While I was gone at camp, the turtle died. When I got home, my dad lied to me. He said, “Anthony, your turtle is alive and well. It just went to go live with your mother.” And I believed that. Till a couple of days later, I was digging around in the backyard… found my mom’s body. Worst day of my life. I loved that turtle. Now, listen. Look, guys. I know, I know, I am aware that I must seem like a tough, cold son of a bitch up here. In fact, the only time I’ve ever cried in public in my entire life was at my mom’s funeral. I might be a tough, cold son of a bitch, but that doesn’t mean I’m not also… one hell of an actor. My mom was a depressed woman. My mom was a very depressed woman. My mom was so depressed, she had the words “in case of an accident, please do not resuscitate” tattooed… across all of her children. I’d say my mom’s funeral was like ten, eleven years ago now. Last year, I had her body dug up… to settle a legal dispute with my siblings. Turns out I was wrong. That is illegal. – -You can’t just… You can’t just do that. No. Now, at this point, I should admit my parents were actually pretty reasonable people when they were raising me. Unless they found drugs in my bedroom. Oof… Then they were high for days. I think the strangest thing in my family, my family was just weird about sex, you know. I was the oldest of five kids in a tiny little house. When my parents wanted alone time, they would gather us together, say, “Kids, go play hide and seek,” and they’d lock their bedroom door for an hour. Of course, I always knew what was going on in there. I mean… I would hide in their room. My parents were weird about sex, you know. I think the most embarrassed I’ve ever been in my entire life was the time my mom and dad caught me watching hardcore bondage pornography… over their shoulder. And I’ll never forget… I’ll never forget the first time I had sex. You know those stories you hear, about kids who lose their virginity to the hot babysitter? I was the babysitter. Yeah, I could have opened with that if I wanted to. I don’t like racism. Thank you. I don’t get it. Why would you hate? Why would you choose to hate? Why would you choose to hate an entire group of people, just because of the way they all behave? I don’t know about y’all. Seems pretty narrow-minded to me. Now, racism, of course, is… starting to become a problem in this country. I was doing some research. Found out one of my family members used to own slaves. I couldn’t believe it. My own brother. I did even more research. Went even deeper into this bit, found this out. This is a fact. Do you guys know there are actually more slaves in the world today than at any other point in time? A higher number of slaves in the world right now than any other period in history. You think your job is bad? Imagine… counting slaves. If you’re not laughing at this one, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. I’m not trying that joke out, I am showing off. Now, I, of course, do not consider myself to be a racist person, but I get mad when people tell me that I can’t understand racism. I understand racism just fine. I once got beaten up by a pack of skinheads. Beat the shit out of me. I was in the hospital for a week, and it was a… a brutal initiation. Now, we like to have fun. But in all seriousness, you do have to be very careful telling ironically racist jokes once you get to my level. When you’re a bad comedian, you can say whatever you want. I mean, that’s true freedom. You’ve seen those losers, they can fly. Once you get to my level, now you’ve got a responsibility, you know? Like, I once told an ironically racist joke on television. The next day, I got a fan letter from a white supremacist in Jacksonville, Florida. Bone-chilling. He just started praising me. “Thank you so much, Anthony. Thank you for not denigrating the great white race. Thank you for making fun of all the other races the way that it should be. And can I pay you $100,000, come down to Jacksonville, Florida, do a private show just for me and my white supremacist buddies.” I wrote him back right away. And I said, “Absolutely not. You are against every single thing that I stand for, you cheap piece of shit.” Look, I mean, I consider myself to be a modern man. I try to be tolerant of all different races, cultures, religions. Not so much religions, but the other two for sure. But I’m not always at my best. Sometimes I make mistakes. For example, every single day… Every single day in Los Angeles, my Latino neighbor tries to talk to me. I don’t understand shit. Nine times out of ten, I am polite. I smile and I nod, but the other day, the other day, I was tired, I was hungover, I’d smoked some pot, I’d taken a handful of pills… …and I was not at my best. And I just snapped. And I said, “Hey, asshole. This is America. I don’t speak sign language.” Now, that… that… is a fun joke from me. You think I’m about to make fun of Latinos, I take a hard left. Smack the shit out of the deaf… …for almost no reason. Guys, things like that just make me happy. There’s not a lot in life that always makes me happy. One thing, one thing that always makes me happy. I love it when I see this. I love it when old married couples… I love it when old married couples die really close together. I love that. I will clip that out of the newspaper every time I see it. To me, there is just nothing more romantic than a good old-fashioned murder-suicide. True. In fact… now that I’m saying this out loud, it’s probably more accurate just to say that I love murder-suicide. Because I do. I mean, don’t get me wrong, guys, I like all of the suicides. But murder-suicide’s my favorite. I have friends who worry about me. They’ll say, “Anthony, why are you so into suicide? You have everything.” Yeah. Everything but a successful suicide attempt. I think I got really into suicide just after college, when I worked at a suicide hotline. Just for a couple of days. Day and a half, really, they got rid of me pretty quick. They said, “Anthony, we’ve got to let you go. Half the people you talk to… …end up committing suicide.” I said, “Guys, that’s hardly fair. Most of those were wrong numbers.” My point… My point here is this: that you should all trust me. You should all believe me when I tell you that I know my suicide and murder-suicide number one forever. ‘Cause what else you got? Doctor-assisted suicide? Get that weak shit out of here. Fucking kidding me? Teen suicide? Teen suicide? No. College is important. I’m all about… I’m all about murder-suicide. Murder-suicide’s the best. You guys seem like you don’t believe me. That’s okay. I’m a pro. Watch me sell this. You hear your friend Jeff just committed suicide. Your only thought is devastation. “Oh, my God, what could I have done to save my friend Jeff?” You hear your friend Jeff killed his wife and then himself. You just think, “Yikes, Jeff doesn’t fuck around, huh? Holy shit, Jeff! I didn’t know the big guy had it in him. Should have shown Jeff more respect back in the day. Jeff was a boss. He wasn’t cleaning that shit up.” That… is just one reason… …why murder-suicide is so great. Guys, listen to me. Murder-suicide… is practically a victimless crime. You are… You are allowed to kill your wife. You are allowed to kill your husband. You’ve got to be married, otherwise you seem nuts, but… …you are allowed to murder your spouse, as long as you just kill yourself immediately afterwards. Then there’s nothing they can do. It’s even-steven, you’re above the law. What the fuck is wrong with this crowd tonight? You trying to tell me there are those among you who are still skeptical? You saying there are people here right now who still don’t believe me that murder-suicide is the goddamn cat’s pajamas? Okay. Then think about it like this. You’re walking down the street. Somebody comes up and punches you in the face. You are going to press charges no doubt. But if you’re walking down the street, somebody comes up, punches you in the face, takes a step back, and then punches themself in the face… -“Have a good day, sir.” Right? You wouldn’t even tell your friends about that. Murder-suicide… Shut up! Murder-suicide is a victimless crime as long as you don’t leave behind any kids. Got to kill them, too. That’s right, I was going there the whole time. Now, I am going to leave you all with this. And if you’ve been on the fence about me tonight, one way or another, then please, guys, please… allow me to knock you clean the fuck off. A couple of months ago… A couple of months ago, I took a friend of mine to get an abortion. Get on board right now if you are going to. This is a very long, very true story. I took my friend to get an abortion. Don’t worry, guys, wasn’t my baby, wasn’t important. I don’t know if you’ve ever done that. Ever helped someone to get an abortion. It’s a big favor. It’s a big favor to do for somebody. Not an easy favor, not an easy favor at all. Don’t get me wrong, I am as pro-choice as they come, but still… the whole time I’m driving her, I’m just thinking to myself, “God damn. There has got to be a better way to… come up with new material.” And, yes, yes, I did just say I’m pro-choice. That does not mean I am pro-abortion. You have other options. If you don’t want your baby, you can still have your baby delivered. Leave it outside any fire station in the country… …they will run it over for you. It’s true. It’s true. It’s the law. Far as I’m concerned, they’ve been heroes since before 9/11. Fun little New York joke for you guys. Now… Now people hear me tell this story and they always say the exact same thing, “Wow, Anthony, you’re a good friend. You would help someone like that, Anthony. You’re a good friend.” Fuck you. No, I’m not. I’m not a good friend. I’m a great friend. You know the difference? Great friends wake up at six in the morning. Great friends drive to your house. Great friends pick you up and then take you to get your abortion. Good friends… Good friends just babysit. Now, I have given this a lot of thought, a lot of thought. And I still don’t know if it had been my baby, would I have argued to keep it? I think about that saying they always use, you know, “What if your baby turns out to be a great artist someday?” I don’t need that competition. People ask me, “What was it like? What was it like to take your friend to get her abortion?” It was boring. I don’t know why I thought it was gonna be fun and exciting… …but trust me, the only person more disappointed than me that day was the baby, all right? It was so boring. It was just me by myself for two and a half hours in an abortion clinic waiting room bored out of my mind. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to an abortion clinic waiting room before, but… the magazines are not great. The whole place is filled with kids for some reason. I mean, I thought they were kids. Turns out they were just ghosts. -There’s a difference… …sort of, you know? Yeah, that’s the high point of the story. But I’m only halfway done. So I’m in this waiting room for so long and I’m so bored that after a while, my mind just starts to wander, and I start to think about my friend and what she’s going through behind those doors. And then almost immediately, I bring it back to myself. And I think, “Anthony, what are you going to say to her when she walks out of there? You should think of something nice to say. You should have a plan.” Because I’m not going to lie to you guys, I blew it when she walked in there. I didn’t have anything nice prepared, I didn’t have a plan. The doctor called her name, she stood up, turned around to look at me one last time and I panicked. I just went, “Um… “kill ’em in there.” I’m not proud of that, you know? I consider that to be a total failure. Worst part for sure was the fist bump, I know that now. And, yeah, she looked at me like I’m an asshole, but… who is she to judge? But now the pressure is on me. Think of something nice for when she walks out of there. But I’m not good at that. That’s not my specialty. Thinking up nice things to say to people in their time of need. The closest option I could come up with in my own mind was, “Hey, did you lose weight?” I know. I know. Look, I’m not proud of that either, okay? That is useless. I can’t say that to my friend. That is useless. Except for the fact that it made me laugh. And that’s when I realized I am chuckling to myself… …in the waiting room… …of an abortion clinic. I catch myself, I stop, I look up. I see a couple sitting straight across from me. The guy looks away in disgust like he wants to fight me. But the woman leans forward and goes, “Hey, Anthony, big fan.” Which I always appreciate. Never a bad time for that. Literally… …any trimester is good. Couple of minutes later, a nurse walks out, comes right up to me, hands me some paperwork and says, “Hey, are you here for Jessica’s abortion?” And at his point, I was so bored. I just stood up as fast as I could and said, “Wait! Don’t you mean ultrasound?” And then I laughed for quite some time. I mean, really threw my head back on that one. If you’re wondering about the nurse, don’t worry, she was a total pro, did not laugh at all. So I got a little more time left in this waiting room, and it finally dawns on me, “Anthony, you’re just a terrible person. And you are never going to think of something nice to say to your friend. So why not just get her a present, get her a gift to make her feel better. That way, you don’t have to say anything.” But what do you get for someone who’s just had an abortion? I had no idea. So I Googled it. You can Google that. It worked. A website popped up and I’m glad I looked at it too. It really helped me out. ‘Cause my first thought, commemorative coin, does not exist. -Yeah. Turns out it’s actually never been a thing. I must have dreamed it. My second thought: flowers. Flowers are always good, right? No, not according to this website. This website said, “Do not get her flowers. Flowers are more of a romantic gesture, then she’s got to take them home, put them in water. Do not put her through that on this day.” According to this website, flowers are the worst gift you can get someone after they’ve just had an abortion. Now, I took that advice on the day. I still don’t think I believe it. I feel like we can all agree the worst gift you could get someone after they’ve just had an abortion would be a to-go box. Think of something worse and I’ll change the fucking joke. The answer is “to-go box.” That would be inappropriate. That would be a real bucket of cold water on abortion day. No. According to this website, there’s only one gift. Only one gift is appropriate after someone has just had an abortion. And that is… a succulent. Do you know what a succulent is? ‘Cause I had to Google that shit too. If you don’t know, a succulent is a desert plant. It’s like a cactus, it’s a plant that doesn’t need water. It’s a plant that gets its nutrients from the air. Give her that. I said, “Absolutely not.” I would never do that to my friend Jessica. I would never be like, “Oh, here you go, Jessica. Here’s something else you never have to take care of.” I would never do that. What am I, a monster? So I didn’t get her anything. She eventually walked out from behind those doors. I didn’t give her anything, I didn’t say anything. I just stood up, I gave her a hug, helped her to the car, drove her home. I sat next to her on her couch, holding her while she cried. I was a great friend that day. Such a great friend that even hours later after she’d stopped crying, calmed down and forgotten about the whole thing forever… …I was still there next to her, writing down all these jokes. Now, my favorite part about having a true 15-minute story about taking my friend to get her abortion to end my shows with are the different reactions I get from the audience. Some people laugh, some people cringe, some people get visibly upset. And the truth is, guys, those are all the same to me. But the best reaction, my favorite reaction I’ve ever gotten from this story was just a couple of weeks ago. A woman in the back of the theater stands up very confidently and she screams out, “Excuse me. Excuse me, Anthony, but what the fuck is so funny about abortion?” And I said, “Lady, I just told you.” Thank you very much, everyone. You’ve been a wonderful crowd.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chelsea Peretti: One of the Greats (2014) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chelsea-peretti-one-of-the-greats-transcript/

Air date: November 14, 2014 [Peretti opens the show with a bit of pre-taped tomfoolery. Lowering her voice to a dramatic, Christian-Bale-as-Batman-esque growl, Peretti monologues over shots of her riding a motorcycle through San Francisco, à la Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. She then proceeds to trace her “history” up to this point, which includes clips from her previous (and fictional) specials with titles like It’s Go Time! (a riff on Eddie Murphy’s brash ‘80s specials), I’m Still Tired and Why Am I Still Talking] [motorcycle engine revs] [instrumental rock music plays] [Chelsea] So many trials and tribulations brought me to this point. All the crazy years of my life stacked on top of one another in a pile of mistaken identities. I did countless hour specials where I looked like a damn fool, trying to be something I wasn’t. Ladies, who’s a whore? We all are. We just need to own it. We’re whores. I’m ugly but I’m a whore. [giggles] I’m a ugly whore. I don’t care. Sometimes I feel like everybody tripping but me. It’s go time! [cheers and applause] Go time! I’m still tired, and I got 12 hours’ sleep last night. I’m still tired. Who’s tired? Who’s tired? Who’s sleepy? I am. I know I am. [chuckles] In all seriousness though, who cares about anything? [sighs] We’ll all be dead soon. But it was time to put everything else behind me and start fresh. I trained with the best impression coach in the world. De Niro. Did you fuck my wife? Killed it, but I still had to go down Lombard Street. At last, I made it to the venue… San Francisco… My hometown Bay Area, the iconic Palace of Fine Arts. An icon within an already-iconic city, so it’s like a double whammy of iconography. I was still so far from showtime. First, I had to go through a rigorous calibration of the lighting environment on stage. This is interesting. This is interesting. I don’t know the terminology you guys use. It’s a little harsh. It’s hitting my eye a little… like, ow. Pure fire. But that wasn’t all. I also had to do a sound check. Ladies! I mean, it’s pretty good. I just want to make sure it can take the volume that I get to… like, what! [heartbeat] ♪♪ All that was left was for me to hit my knees and pray to God to thank Him for all the humility He bestowed upon me… and the supreme gift He blessed me with. I guess you could say I’m a direct vessel of God. It was time to hit the slats with nothing but the clothes on my back. I’m like a loaded weapon, and my brain is the bullet. [audience clapping rhythmically] They were already clapping for me. [chuckles] Me! Imagine that. Okay, we’re at places! Stand by, lighting cue. Spot 2, adjust your beams. You’re just off soft. Spot 1, match spot 2. We want more of a soft glow around the talent! Spot 1 and 2, follow me out to my car. [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the show’s about to begin. Please silence your cell phones. No photos, no videos, and do not approach the stage with gifts. [gasps] [security guard] Let’s go. [announcer] And now, Chelsea Peretti! [audience cheers and applauds] ♪♪ Thank you so much for coming out. I’m just like you guys. I’m also a huge fan of my work, and… just really excited to see what I’m gonna do up here… uh, tonight. I am one of the greats. [audience laughs] [giggles] [audience cheers and applauds] One of the top comedians touring the country right now, so it should be a great show. [softly] You’re a clown. You’re a clown. You’re a clown. I like to always get into a stand-up… like, a stand-up stance, you know? Just… I always put my arm here so you guys will be like, “Uh-oh.” [chuckles] “Looks like this comedian’s probably gonna be telling it like it is.” I like to get you in the right zone. Oh, no, I just wish I was someone else. Honestly, I do, all the time. I wish I was a guy. You know what I mean? I just want to feel what it feels like to have male confidence, like, just that feeling, like, it just seems like it must be so amazing, like… My fantasy of what it’s like to be a guy is you wake up in the morning, and your eyes open, and you’re like, “I’m awesome!” [chuckles] “People probably want to hear what I have to say!” Does that sound accurate? “I’m probably gonna do something great today.” I’m always doubting myself. I’m like, gah-ah-ah, you know? Male comedians get to have so much fun. They get to do stuff where they talk about having sex with a girl. They’ll do a joke, “Oh, I was having sex with this girl…” They’ll act it out on the stool. Be like… [grunts] “I was having sex with this girl. I was fucking this girl. I was like…” [exaggerated sexual noises] They’re like… they’ll always use the mic as their dick. They’re like… I’m always just so blown away by their creativity. I want in, you know? So, I’ve been kind of working on my own version of this classic bit… where I just passively take it from the stool. So, in my version, um, you know, I would be like, “So, I was fucking this guy…” [sighs] “Then things got a little crazy.” [audience laughs] [chuckles] That’s my take on a classic. That’s it. That’s my take. Thank you. Thanks. [audience cheers and applauds] Thank you, San Francisco. I hate small talk. I really do. I hate, like, getting to know people. I hate all the little questions you have to ask to get to know someone. If I’m making a new friend, I just want to already be best friends. Or dating, I just want to already be deeply in love. I don’t want to have to trot through all the getting-to-know-you questions. “Oh, whereabouts do ya hail from? Where do ya hail from? I need answers!” Ugh, you know? [shrilly] “Where?” [normal voice] And then it’s like, “Oh, okay, yeah, I’ve never been to that town, but I’ve been to a nearby town, so I can kind of imagine.” [screams] I would like small talk if it were socially acceptable to make those sounds during it. [audience laughs] You’re just like, “Oh, your favorite color’s purple?” [screams] Then I would love it. I just hate that feeling when you don’t know someone, and any little thing they say, you have to stretch it out, turn it into something. They’ll be like, “Yeah, we had cats growing up. We were a cat family.” And I’ll be like, “You guys were a cat family? We were a dog family. Uh-oh, uh-oh! Controversy!” Then you find out you’re not that compatible as friends, but you still run into that random person all over town at the local smoothie shop, you know, and you have to be, like, “Oh, my God! You still exist!” They’ll always be, like, “We should do lunch!” The thing that people who hate each other do. “We should do lunch!” I always push it a little bit just to call their bluff. I’m, like, “We should rent a car and drive up the coast. Let’s buy some lumber and learn how to build. I just want to get to know you through task-based projects.” Everyone’s different, and when you don’t know each other well, you can’t read each other as well. Right? like, some people are big casual huggers. They love to hug. They come at you at a party… “Hey!” It’s annoying ’cause there’s no… I don’t really like hugging that much. like, someone I’m not that into… like, I’ll hug my lover while he’s inside me, you know? For the duration, but I’m not a big stranger hugger. I don’t really want your sweaty armpits on top of my shoulder tops. But there’s no polite way to turn it down. like if someone’s coming in… you can’t just be like, “Oh, no, thank you. I’ve already hugged someone today. Thank you.” But I kind of figured out a way that you can thwart an unwanted hug. When someone runs at you like this, you just grab their hands and you go, “Yay!” I also have some little party tricks sometimes I’ll bust out, you know, to lighten the mood at a party. I’ll go up to someone, “Hey, let me show you a party trick. Do you want to see a party trick? Relax your arms. Relax your arms.” And then I’ll just grab their neck as hard as I can, and squeeze it, make lots of eye contact. Just like, “I fucking hate parties.” I do, though. They seem like they’re gonna be so fun, parties, and then they’re just so stressful. like dinner parties, they seem… oh, dinner, food, friends. But then you get there, and it’s so much pressure to have a conversation, and everyone’s gotta pull their weight. And ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba. Da-da, da-da, oh, da-da. Da-da, da-da, da-da. Buh-ba, buh-ba. Is that too reductive? Then there’s always that moment where everyone runs out of shit to say, and everyone’s like… [sighs deeply] I will just panic and be like, “How much money does everyone make?” [audience laughs] “Who’s adopted?” You know. “Who’s ad… let’s find your parents.” Sometimes people will tell you, like, “If you’re… if you have social anxiety, just try to imagine people naked.” And it’s like… that sucks. That’s horrible advice. Watch this, I’ll do it. [scared scream] See? It’s too distracting. I read this woman’s magazine, and it said, “If you feel nervous at parties, here are some conversation starters.” One of the things was “wear a funky necklace.” Wear a funky necklace, and that’ll help break the ice. And I’m just like, “Why not go big?” Why not just walk into a party just dragging a dead dog? [feigns crying] You just kick the door open at a house party. Boom! [crying continues] That will get lips a-flappin’. People will be, like, “Who is that girl? How’d she get in here? How’d the dog die? Why is she wearing a cape?” [trills tongue] [audience laughs] I just got a dog. I got a rescue. – [applause] – [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you. I’m not that into the rescuer identity, you know. I feel like people who rescue dogs are very mouthy about it. They’re like, “He’s a rescue! He’s a rescue! My dog is a rescue. He would have been dead in a ditch. Then I came along…” You know? “I’m his savior. I saved him.” I feel like you’re kinda taking advantage of the fact that your pet can’t talk. Just be like, “All right, chill out though a little bit.” I wish I could text my dog. That is so irritating to me, that I could text everybody in my life that I love except my dog. And he would be the perfect person to text ’cause he’s always home. Okay? He would always be available. I could be uncomfortable at a dinner party, and just shoot him a text, like, [high pitched] “Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing, little cutie?” And then, he’d write back just like, “Nothing… As per ‘uzhe.’ What about you?” I’d just write back, “I feel awkward at this party. I don’t know what to do,” and he’d just be like, “Sniff people’s butts.” I’d be like, “Dude, that’s more your thing. That’s not something I do.” And he’d be like, “Oh, sorry, I can’t read your mind at all times. I’m just trying to help out, I’m sorry. I mean…” [sighs] “Why don’t you just lick your own butt and then try to lick them right here, like right inside their lip… right… right there.” I’m like, “Dude, once again… you’re looking at my life through the prism of your own experience. It’s, like, fucked up.” He’s like, “All right, what about try to go outside? It’s so fucking cool out there. Even if you can just look out a window for a second, I promise you there is shit you can see that no one else can see, Chelsea.” I’m like, “Dude, fuck you.” Click. Then people are like, “Are you all right?” I’m like, “Yeah, I just got in a fight with this guy. He’s a dog.” He’s well trained, though. We trained him to always sit, but on the 15th command. I think he’s able to count it out in his head. He’s very cute. He’s very friendly. He’s not a super-aggressive dog. Sometimes he’ll try to act tough. If a big dog’s coming at him, he’ll be like… [barks] Then he’ll get on his hind legs and look at me in the eyes, like, “Pick me up. Pick me up. Pick me up.” Yes, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. But you learn a lot about people from how they are with their dogs. There’ll be some big huge dogs staring at my dog from a block away, like his whole body locks up, and then he’s walking all stiff toward my dog like this. And then, the owner’s, like, “He’s friendly. He’s friendly. He’s friendly.” I’m like, “Bitch, no, he’s not. Please reconsider all your friendships. That’s not what ‘friendly’ looks like.” I hate that when someone’s just overconfident, and it’s in direct conflict with reality. “He’s friendly, he’s friendly…” ’cause I’m so insecure I will start to just accept whatever they say. I just hate that confidence. I one time was driving on the freeway, and I saw an old man driving on the shoulder of the road, but he was going 80 miles an hour and driving so confidently that I was just like, “That’s a lane, I guess. I guess it’s a lane.” Sometimes when I get really intimidated by someone’s confidence, I have this little thing I’ll do. When they’re talking to me, I’ll interrupt them and be like, “Have you been crying?” Really works. No matter where their head is at, it really brings them right back down to earth. I feel like when girls are super-confident, walking around with confidence, most of the time it’s ’cause they think they’re hot. Most of time… “I’m hot. This is my world.” And I don’t relate to that because that’s just never been my full identity. When I was a kid, for example, the girls that I’m talking about, they were princesses for Halloween every year. They were like, “I’m a princess. I’m Pocahontas. I’m a rainbow,” you know? I realized the other day that one year as a child for Halloween, I was an old man. Okay? I had some stringy gray hair, and my dad’s old suit. I was like, “Let’s do this! I am the shit!” Everyone was like, “You’re weird.” I was a tarantula one year, okay? Just painting the scene, okay? And then me and these girls, we go off in different directions our whole lives, out into orbit, you know? And then, when your lives intersect later, it can be very strange because super-hot girls don’t understand regular girls’ lives, so they’ll give you very shitty dating advice, for example. They’ll be like, [mimicking] “Okay, he’s playing you hot and cold. Okay, all right. Let me think. Okay, Chelsea. All right, I know what you can do. Okay, just ignore him. Just ignore him for a little bit. Trust me, okay? Just ignore him, Chelsea, for a little bit.” [normal voice] It’s like, “All right, I haven’t heard from him in five months. Thanks for the hot tip.” I’m not saying I’m ugly. I hate when female comedians are like, “I’m ugly. I’m garbage.” I’m just saying that, like, when I get super-dolled-up, the best I can hope for is someone like, “Maybe she’s a philanthropist.” [echoing] Chelsea. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to turn yourself into a punch line. You don’t have to turn all your feelings into jokes. And I don’t want to shit on hot girls either. Whatever, that’s cool. You’re beautiful, great. And there’s actually amazing things that they’re doing right now online. A lot of super-beautiful girls, they’ll… They’ll put a picture of their face online, but they’ll scrunch up their face and stick their tongue out, like… You know? And I’m always so floored by their realness. So inspiring to be so vulnerable with society. There’s also a very powerful movement going on right now on the Internet that, you know, women are kind of, coalition building in a very cool way. I’m talking about the hashtag “no makeup.” Um… You can search it if you don’t believe me, but some brave women are mustering up all their courage, and they will post a photo onto the Internet in which they are wearing no makeup whatsoever. I’m serious. But when they post the photos, they’ll always make a big announcement. In the caption, they’ll be like, [mimicking] “In the following photograph, I, Cassandra… am not wearing any makeup!” Then the whole Internet is like… [British accent] “Ooh-hoo-hoo! Oh, good lady, your bravery is unparalleled. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! We thank you, Cassandra. Please check your DMs.” It just annoys me too because in the no-makeup photos, they never fully look shitty. Like they’re always still in the splits, in a bikini or something like, “No makeup!” It’s like, partial credit. And then the guys fall for it every time. It’s a thirst trap, it’s a trick. And there’s always some guy riding into the comments on a horse like he’s the Lone Ranger, he’s like… [imitates Western film music] He tips his leather hat. He’s, like, “Dear Cassandra, I actually think you look better without makeup.” [imitates grunting] Cassandra is like, [mimicking] “Thank you, thank you. Mission accomplished. Thank you.” If you really want to piss off a really hot girl, like a model-hot girl, go onto her social media, find a photo where she looks smoking hot, and you’re just a regular girl. Go onto her comments and just be like, “People say I look just like you.” [audience cheers and applauds] She’ll be like, “No!” Do you know that women Botox their armpits? This is an actual thing. It’s not to make them look youthful, you know. “Hi, everyone, same old me.” It’s actually to stop them from sweating, because why would you, you know, as a human? But the reason I know about it is I met a girl who did it, and she was like, “It worked. I did stop sweating out of my armpits, but I started sweating out of my butthole.” So, I’m… uh… Is that a good trade? like, kind of a deal with the devil. Then I’m imagining the guy that sees her out somewhere and is just like… “Oh, ho, ho, ho.” He’s like… [constricted laughter] He’s like, [surfer voice] “She is so fucking hot. Her armpits are bone-fucking-dry… just like I always dreamed of.” Then he’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” That’s him slipping on her butt sweat. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” He’s like, “I’m so drawn to you, but I can’t get near you! This is a whole new kind of juicy booty.” [audience cheers and applauds] He’s a surfer. That’s his profession. Why just because you go onto the ocean on a thingy… do you have a dialect? Why just ’cause you have an athletic skill set, do you laugh like… [constricted laughter] It’s like, “Just stop making such a tight circle with your mouth… and then more laugh sounds could get out.” You’re my favorite female comedian, Chelsea! Thank you. Women lie about their age. That’s very complicated, actually, if you think about it. Lying about your age, it’s like you have to remember a different birthday, which would already be impossible for me. You have to remember the music that was popular at a time just before or after you were listening to it, I don’t even know the direction. I would always mess it up like, “I love to sock hop, I mean Tyler, The Creator. I don’t know, I’m old.” Just give up. Again, I feel like if you’re gonna create this whole alternate reality, do something cool with it, like walk into a cafe by your house and just be like… “Huh.” [chuckles] “My God. I haven’t been here in 128 years. Ain’t nothing changed. My God.” Your friends are like, “What? How fucking old are you?” And then you get to be like… [smug chuckling] Uh-uh-uh… Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a Fedora or kill 15 people? Be honest. Sometimes masculinity is so silly. Just the idea that because you’re born a guy, you have to be like, “I’m tough. I’m tough. I’m putting my foot down. I’m tough.” When you guys stomp, do your balls wiggle? Are you like, “I said no!” [trills] It’d take some of the intimidation out of it. And it’s like girls have reputations for being into the dumbest stuff, like purses, shoes, or whatever. What are guys into? Also stupid stuff, like architecture, literature, politics. Motorcycles. Motorcycles are very silly to me. I feel like, why not just unzip your pants, and pull your balls out, and then just walk around town banging pots and pans, just like… like that’s a DIY motorcycle. Everyone’s like, “Oh, okay, he’s a guy.” Men love Daniel Day-Lewis. That’s a real obsession. They love him, right? It’s like, I don’t fully… I’ve sat beside multiple guys in Daniel Day-Lewis movies where they’re just crying silently the whole movie, and I’m like, like, to me it’s like I’m watching a poem for men. I don’t understand it fully. To me, every movie he’s in he’s just like, “You are my son!” Like, that was a dead-on impression. I feel like men, they connect with it ’cause it’s like a male fantasy. They’re like, “What if I was that masculine? What if I had greasy black hair, and I was incoherent?” You know? It’s like the Marlboro Man. It’s the same reason that men love Breaking Bad. They love that show because it’s a fantasy. You’re like, “Oh, if I got cancer, I could probably rule the ghetto.” It’s like, “No, you’d probably just die of cancer. Similar.” [giggles] I just wish that we didn’t always have to live out our fantasies through TV and movies. I wish we could have a little more of our real feelings and fantasies in our day-to-day life, and we didn’t always have to be like, “How are you?” “I’m good, thank you.” Like… I always want to just go to one of my friends’ houses when I know they’re home, and just throw a brick through the window. Hear me out. Just for that moment where there’s that shattered glass hole, to see my friend’s head pop into it. like this. And then I’m on the other side like, “JK! Just kidding.” Just, like, shake it up a little bit. Or when people are standing outside of a movie theater, and after the movie, kinda talking or whatever, I always wanna go up to them and be like, [shrill voice] “Guys, we do need to keep this area clear, okay?” [normal voice] ‘Cause I feel like they’d be like, “All right. That’s that awful voice we listen to.” I hate that. How does that voice count as polite? [shrill voice] “Okay, guys! We do need…” It’s like you have so much hatred in your voice. Just ’cause you’re smiling, that shouldn’t count as polite. You should have to use the word “bitches” in every sentence if you have that much hate in your voice. Just like, “Okay, bitches, we do need to keep this area clear. Thank you, bitches.” [audience laughs] It’s cool to do a show in San Francisco. We’ve been traveling all over on this tour leading up to this, and… [cheers and applause] I can safely say that San Francisco audiences are the best audiences in the country. [cheers and applause] [vacuum cleaner roaring] Does that have to happen right now? Or could you turn it off? Thank you. Thank you so much. It is funny though, like traveling… I’m a pretty good traveler. I did get sick once. I try to avoid getting sick, and by that I mean throwing up. I hate throwing up so much. I come from a shit family, like… You know there’s two kinds of families. There’s vomit families and there’s shit families. And the way you can tell which one you’re from is when you were a little kid and you felt sick, did your parents tell you to shit or to vomit? That’s how you can tell. We were a shit family. So, I hate vomiting. But this particular early morning flight, I drank this green smoothie at the airport that they had prepackaged, and it tasted… [audience gasping] Oh, my God. That is the most fucking Bay Area response imaginable. You’re like, “No! Fuck that. Make ’em fresh, blend ’em up. [cheers and applause] Organic only.” Yes, I know, but that was what was available, I’m sorry. I had to do it. So, I got this pre-made green smoothie, and it tasted garlicky, and I was like, “That’s weird,” you know. But it was 5:00 in the morning, so I drank half of it, and then I was like, “I’m not drinking this.” Then I get on the flight. It’s a short flight, and during the descent, I start feeling like… [groaning violently] But I’m just sitting still, but that’s the feeling. I’m like, “Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.” I start feeling that lip sweat. I’m like… [groaning weakly] “Oh, no. Oh, no.” And I know I seem like a rule breaker and a rebel, but the little “fasten seatbelt” light was on, so I was like, “I can’t get up. Teacher will be mad.” So I’m just sitting there, and I’m like… and everyone around me is acting like nothing is happening ’cause they’re all guys, so they’re like, “This would involve feelings.” So, I’m like, “Ugh.” I’m looking for the flight attendant. She’s already strapped in in the back of the aircraft, just like a little hateful dot in the distance, just emanating beams of hatred as they do, and I’m like… [groaning] to no avail. So, I pull the seat pocket open, looking for the little vomit bag that’s on every flight except this one. In this case, it was not on this flight. So, while I did have the seat pocket open, I just went ahead and… [imitates vomiting] I’m sorry to my family! And of course, the guy next to me is just like, “There’s my light, okay, okay, there it is. It works, it goes on and off, that’s great.” So the flight lands, and I’m like, “I have to tell her. I can’t just walk off,” ’cause it was going to another location after that. And I’m a good person, which I like to tell people. And so, I walk back and I’m like, “Hey, girl. Uh… Hey, beautiful. There is a pile of vomit with my DNA in it, and your name written all over it.” And as I’m talking to her, I have that awful taste in my mouth, so I’m like… [imitates spitting] I spit in the sink, and she’s like, “Why would you do that?” And I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I just… I was… I’m disoriented. If you could just have some compassion…” And she was like, “If you only knew. I’m one of the most compassionate people.” I was like, “When do you bust that out? I’d love to interact with that.” I was on another flight that had an emergency landing. That was terrifying. Here’s how that goes down, if you’ve never lived through it. There’s a little PA announcement, they’re like… [imitates ding] “Are there any doctors on the flight? Are there any doctors on the flight? Please come to the front of the aircraft.” And then you see a few people start walking down the aisle, and you’re like, “Oh, they must be doctors.” Then you hear, “We’re good on nurses.” That’s borderline disrespectful… to the entire nursing industry. Pretty soon they’re just like, “Anybody want to see a dead body?” Anyway, it’s cool. It sucks that we can’t just walk everywhere. I wish we could walk everywhere. We’re so dependent on so many technologies, you know what I mean? Look… [chuckles] case in point. [giggles shrilly] Are you guys silly? [audience laughs] [Chelsea giggles] I’m, like… at this point, I’m so addicted to so many different websites, and apps, and things. I’m honestly thankful when I’m in the shower. You know what I mean? Just the relief of not refreshing anything for… You know, aside from the obvious nooks and crannies. [audience laughs] Cricks and cracks. But there is some really cool stuff that we get to experience in this day and age that our grandparents never got to experience… like that feeling you get when one of your friends leaves their phone or their laptop unattended, and they do not have a password on it, like a dummy. My friend did this recently, and I saw his phone, and I was like… [gasps] I was filled with adrenaline. It’s what I imagine hunting and gathering felt like. I was just like… [gasps] “But this could sustain my spirit for two weeks!” I went onto his phone. I was just like… went onto Twitter. I’m like, “My dick hurts.” Then I was just like… [humming triumphant tune] I went onto Facebook. I was like, “My dick hurts.” [chuckles] ‘Cause I wanted it to be cross-platform, you know? I didn’t know if they were linked. And then I got to sit there and watch the comments roll in… People just like, “Dude, what’s up with your dick? We’re worried about you.” Our grandparents never got to do that. Do you guys think that comments… Internet comments are a good thing, pushing society in an even better and greater direction? It’s a leading question. It’s just weird that any news story that goes online, it’s like any shithead can just write [grunts] “Here’s my thoughts.” I wonder how is that gonna affect our society? How is it gonna shape things? I think about a young comedian starting now, anything they do is gonna go online, and it’s gonna be a million people at every stage of their development, giving them instant feedback. How’s that gonna affect their artistic journey? Imagine if some of the great minds of the past had been around during comment culture. If Einstein had been a young scientist, you know, maybe he would have posted a little theorem up on some science website, you know, just like, “E equals… I’m not sure yet.” You know. And then the first comment would have been like, “What’s up, Jew-fro?! You Jew-ass bitch! Jew, Jew, Jew, bitch, Jew, bitch, Jew.” Einstein would have just been like, “Oh, I’m not gonna do science anymore. It’s too hurtful.” Just pack up his little beakers and hit the road. Maybe get a job at Kiehl’s. [giggles] Did he use beakers? I don’t know. like, what did he do? He invented wing sauce? It’s weird there’s so much interactivity now. I was on Twitter, and someone tweeted to me, and they’re, like, “Get your thyroid checked.” And it threw my entire day into a complete ball of chaos. I’m like, “What? Why?” That’s not even someone being hateful. That’s someone who’s concerned for you. So, I’m Googling symptoms. It’s like, “Bug eyes.” I’m like, “Aah! Aah!” And sometimes you’re just gonna see shitty stuff online… like my friends in… who are also entertainers, they’ll be like, “Don’t search yourself. It’s all shitty stuff. That’s just what the Internet is, and blah-blah-blah.” But sometimes I have to do it. Sometimes I just… ’cause it’s my version of cutting. Like I just… I need to feel something sometimes. And one time I did, and I found this caricature that someone had drawn of me, and I don’t know if you can imagine what feature they may have exaggerated, but it wasn’t my big heart. I’m looking at it and I’m just like, “You know what?” And I got in the comments. I was just like, “Hey, I hope you and everyone who liked this dies.” And, uh, the artist got back to me really quickly, and he was like, [French accent] “I don’t understand. How could you say such a thing?” like he wasn’t French, but that was his energy. I’m like, “All right, take it down a notch. You’re definitely at a state fair right now.” Not to be a dick, but I’m just saying, is that really art? Can you call it art if someone can guess what you’re gonna do every single time you set pen to paper? like, no one’s going, “Oh, what’s he gonna do with this girl with the buck teeth? It’s a real wait-and-see.” Being a caricature artist, that’s basically like, “Did you hear about the school bully? Yeah, he’s an artist now. Yeah, he’s turned a new leaf, kind of.” And the guy was like, “You’re not that nice, either. You said you hope we all die.” I’m like, “All right, fair point. I hope you live forever as a caricature artist.” [chuckles] “That is my wish.” – Do you guys text and drive? – [audience whoops] [sighs] It’s really hard not to. That’s another thing. It’s like, we have this technology. It’s so hard not to use it, right? If you’re driving to brunch to meet your friend, it’s a 40-minute drive, you get a text from that friend, you see it, you’re not gonna be like, “I’ll just wait till I get there to see if brunch is canceled.” It’s like… it’s hard not to. And then you have those texting and driving PSAs that are fucking terrifying, right? They’re like, “This is the last thing Johnny ever texted before he crashed and died,” you know. And then it’s like, “‘Sup?!” And it’s like, “Was it worth it?” It’s like, “Oh, my God, no. No, it wasn’t.” Nothing we ever text is worth dying over. Unless, I mean… I’m just thinking there is some scenario like, imagine your friend’s being stalked, and the murderer… you know what he looks like. You’re driving by her house like 40 miles an hour. You see that guy running like this. He’s running up her steps like… [trills] And you don’t have time to stop, so you’re like, “Dude, the guy that’s trying to kill you is running up your steps”… Then it’s like, I don’t know. Now we’ve got a dialogue. [chuckles] Now we can reopen that file. We’ll all die of it. But I just wish… I just wish they would have a little… Just a titch more levity with that whole ad campaign. like, if just one out of a hundred of these PSAs, the last thing the guy texted was a dick pic? So, it’s like, “This is the last thing Patrick ever texted before he died.” Then it’s just a dick. And then it’s like, “Was it worth it?!” And then his ghost is just like, “Yes! It was worth it.” He high-fives the camera. “Uh! I needed her to see it!” Felt strongly about it. Anytime I see a dick pic and receive one from all across this great nation… what I think about is what brought the guy to that point. like I just think about the whole process, you know? Not thinking about just the result, I’m thinking about him taking down his pleated khakis… Something got him riled up, the pleats are popping, you know? I see him unzipping, and then I’m imagining he’s not just taking one photo, and then he’s done, you know? I’m imagining it’s gonna be a series of photos, so he’s getting different angles and whatever. Pretty soon, he’s got a phone full of dicks. Then I’m imagining him scrolling through a bunch of dicks, going like, [imitating Evil Queen] “Ooh, come to me, my pretty. Who is the fairest dick in the land?” And then, I don’t know, there’s something kind of gay about it. I just feel like it’s kind of gay. I just feel like, even if you’re a guy, liking a girl is kind of gay, you know what I mean? Like, we wear pink, and we like to smell like flowers. It’s like, “Suck a dick!” [woman] Whoo! I am in love. [giggles] No, it’s nice. It’s nice. It’s, um… [sighs] I don’t like to talk about who I’m seeing because he’s also in entertainment, but like, first name, Denzel, and he’s… He’s really cool, you know? He’s good to me. I don’t know. I’m just glad… I’m glad I’m not on the market anymore. I love it ’cause I remember talking to people, and just like… this one guy would be like getting to know me, and he’s like, “Do you consider yourself to be a positive or a negative person?” I’m like, “Oh, you stumped me,” you know? “I’m gonna go negative because I hate the question so much.” And then, there are just so many little things that will turn me off with someone, just the littlest thing. I remember that guy smiling at one point, and I could hear his smile. like he smiled, it was like… [tinks] [laughs] I was like, “Ah!” like, “Drink water! Please drink a beverage!” That shouldn’t be happening. That’s a medical problem. I shouldn’t be able to hear it when you smile. I definitely shouldn’t be able to have my back to you and be like, “Whoa”… “What are you smiling about, ya silly Billy?” Or someone just rolling a paint roller… in a tray that has about one to two drops of paint in it. Which is it? Yeah, there’s a lot of weird kinds of guys now, like there’s new genres of guys, I feel like. I’m not sure I’m into the “sensitive guy” thing that’s happening, you know, the kind of guys that are wearing these exact pants. You know, like they walk into your coffee shop… and they’re wearing a ratty cardigan and tortoiseshell spectacles, and you’re just like, “Oh, good afternoon, Professor 20-year-old.” You know? I’m not sure I’m into that. I feel like for me to see a guy be super-sensitive and find that attractive… like to see a guy cry and find it hot, the way he’d have to cry is just like… He can’t even put his arms down ’cause he’s so jacked. And the way he cries is just like… [goofy crying] like he’s almost confused by what feelings are. “What’s happening to my face? Why’d I kill so many bears?” That’s the kind of stuff he’s up to. Like Channing Tatum, you know? Ronnie from Jersey Shore, Channing Tatum, that’s my… [sighs] Like Magic Mike… Did you guys see that? – [audience whooping] – Yes! One of the best American films of our century. I did love it, though. It was such a pièce de résistance performance. Um… And I’m extremely religious, and extremely politically conservative, but I saw that movie, I’m like, “I want to fuck Channing Tatum on camera in front of his wife and my boyfriend, our families.” He just brings out that kind of openness and vulnerability. I never had that much luck with Jewish guys. I don’t know, I just feel like, you know… Some of you are gonna disagree, some are gonna agree… It’s kind of a stereotype but it is one of those ones that’s true. They definitely do really want to fuck their moms really hard. Don’t get uncomfortable. Just be like, “Oh, yeah, that’s true.” You know what I mean? It is true, and we just have to accept it. And I think that that tension of that taboo is honestly what causes all the earthquakes in California. I’m serious. I feel like if… Why don’t we just make a day where it doesn’t count, okay? Hear me out. We just make one day where we’re like, “We’re not looking, go, go, go. No one’s gonna judge you. No one’s gonna wag their finger. Just do it. It’s not gonna count.” And I actually think that would make a great movie, like Hall Pass or something, you know? And I want to pitch it to a Hollywood executive, and just feel that out, but I feel pretty sure that that executive would be like, “Um, Chelsea, we’re not gonna make this movie, but I am gonna fuck my mom. That sounds incredible.” Do you guys know that it’s illegal to make jokes about the Holocaust in Germany? Isn’t that funny? Like, to me, that’s such a fascist approach to anti-Semitism. It’s like, “You guys have learned nothing. What are you doing? Hit the books.” I always wanted to be… Tolerance books. I always wanted to be in one of those Holocaust movies where it’s like there’s the beautiful Jewess who can pass for German. And I want to play her. So, it’s just me with my exact face, but in a blonde wig. And I’m just walking around, hanging out with Hitler and his friends, and like, I see a Jew. I’m like, “Shh!” [giggles] They’re like, “What?” Everyone watching the movie is like, “This is miscast. I’m furious.” “Shh.” I was talking to my friend, and he was like, “Hitler was a good speaker.” I’m like, “What are you doing right now?” Like, do you think Hitler’s ghost is sad somewhere like, [whiny voice] “Did I do anything right? Wah… I feel like a failure.” You’re throwing him a bone like, “Here you go, Hitsy.” You know? It’s like, of course he was a good speaker. That’s part of being a dictator and creating a genocide environment. You can’t just walk out like… [constricted laughter] [surfer voice] “All right, you guys. What we’re gonna do, depending on the vibe… is grab a gypsy if you feel like it. Blue-sky thinking, but maybe kill all Jews. I don’t know. Feel it out.” Everyone would be leaving… Just like, “Mmm, Hitler, you suck.” Just tearing off their armband like it’s a shitty music festival. Why are old maps always burnt? Have you ever noticed that like every map you see from the olden times is always burnt all around the edges and in the middle? Where did they used to store their maps at? They’re like, “This is our cooking pit slash map storage unit.” [baby voice] You guys know what I’m talking about, – don’t you? – [barks] Don’t you know? Don’t you know? So, yeah, I’m in love. I’m in love. Just trying to keep leading you guys back to being okay with that, ’cause when I said it the first time, you’re like… “We’re really not here for love. Um… we’re here to laugh at your pain.” [audience laughs] [Chelsea laughs] Anyway, I don’t know. I wanna like… Now I’m in love, so it’s like I gotta figure out, “Okay, now what?” Right? The whole rest of our lives stretch ahead. Do we get [shrill voice] married? Married? [normal voice] I feel like marriage needs re-branding. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, [shrill voice] “We’re married. This is a marriage. I’m his wife, and he is my husband. Wife, husband, marriage.” [normal voice] I just feel like… I like the idea of soul mates, like being together forever, or like Bonnie and Clyde, like, kill people and die, you know? But I don’t know about marriage. The only really cool example I have is my grandparents. They were married 50 years, okay? They had this beautiful marriage. They worked their way up from nothing, they built their dream house, they had a garden together. She grew roses, he grew vegetables. It’s a beautiful marriage. And then I always tried to ask her questions about it to get some insight, like how can I have that kind of longevity and that compatibility, you know. And my grandmother will tell this story where she’s just like, “Well, the day we got married… Grandpa was driving away from the church, and I remember looking at his hand on the wheel, and thinking, ‘I don’t know this man.'” I’m like, what? That’s the story you’re passing down to the next generation? What am I supposed to do with that? Just marry a stranger? Also that’s a pretty shitty story. It has no beginning, middle, or end. It’s just, you were looking at an arm. But she’s told it to me like 25 times. “I don’t know this man.” I’m like, “What is happening?” And they had this great marriage, and then it’s like, okay… then he passed away. So now, even though they had this long, great marriage, now she kind of wanders around her house… she’s like, “Well, guess I better go turn that light off. Then I’ll go round back and turn that light off. I don’t know how all the lights got on!” [chuckles] We got her a dog. We’re like, “Here, take this.” She named it Buffy after the Vampire Slayer, which is cute. – [applause] – Yeah! All my Buffy heads. But it’s weird ’cause she projects all her own nonsense onto the dog. The dog’s just like, “Yay, I’m a puppy!” And she’s like, “Buffy don’t want to go outside. Buffy’s tired.” Buffy’s like, “Let’s go, come on! Let’s go, I’m a dog!” She’s like, “Buffy don’t want to play. Buffy’s feeling morose today. Buffy’s been off her meds for months.” We’re like, “Uh, Grandma, we still talking about Buffy?” My dad, he’s at the opposite end of the spectrum. He’s on his third wife now, so… [sighs] Yeah, cool. Um… I don’t know if you’ve ever attended a third wedding, but there is kind of a different feel to it… maybe a titch less whimsy. You kind of walk in, you’re like, “All right, hey, everyone! Same seats, or… we gonna switch it up?” Just eating cake like, “Dad, dare I say, this cake is even better than all them other cakes.” My dad’s Italian and my mom’s Jewish, then he was married to a black woman from when I was one until I left home. Now he’s married to an Indian woman for his golden years, so it’s really been just a whirlwind of scents, and spices, and silks, and colors. It’s been like some sort of a strange foreign exchange program that just kind of revolves around my father’s penis. My black stepmother, which is what we used to call her… She used to do my hair when I was a little girl, and she would always call me tender-headed. She’d be like, “Chelsea, stop moving! You are so tender-headed!” I’d be like, “Well, I’m really just more of a white person. We kind of have a two-barrette maximum… on what we’re up to with barrettes. Please stop sending me to school looking like Katt Williams. I’d like to do an impression of my dad, but I don’t have a newspaper and five hours to spare. I was so excited when this show was put in The Chronicle, ’cause I was like, “He will have to acknowledge my existence.” Don’t feel sad. Don’t be sad. Um… I’m always looking for just examples of happily married people… You know, just to see someone like, “Oh, that looks awesome.” like, looking for clues in society all the time, and how do people make it work and be fun. like, I’ll watch the “housewives” reality shows, um… just looking for a morsel of inspiration. I remember when those shows first started airing, like 18 years ago, I remember being like, “Oh, my God.” I forgot being a housewife was still an option for women. I was like, “Fuck, I should have done that!” I took a wrong turn. That is so awesome. Someone else works and then you do not work? Like, why did women ever stop doing that on any level? Why did we phase that out? Just out of dignity? I’m not trying to be rude. If any of you guys are housewives, I’m sure it’s a lot of work, but… [audience cheers and applauds] “You should be paid a wage.” No, but sometimes I look at… friends of friends on Facebook, and just kind of observe their lives to see… Do I want any of that? Is there anything I can cherry-pick out of those lives, toss it into my life and make it a better life? A friend of a friend just posted like 500 engagement photos on Facebook. It was a photoset of 500 photos. I’m not exaggerating. It’s like that wedding portraiture, where it’s just like, two assholes back to back in the woods, just like… [laughing shrilly] “To the future!” I’m just obsessed with the entire photoset. I’m just like, “Next, next, next, next, more, more, more, more.” Every photo, they were just like… [giggles shrilly] “Uh-oh, it’s us again.” [trills] This same girl on Facebook, all her posts and all her updates are about her husband. That’s all she seems to write or think about, but she doesn’t call him her husband, which would be awesome, and she doesn’t call him by his name, which would also be great. She calls him by a word that I really feel is one of the more disgusting words in the English language. She calls him her “hubby,” which, to me is on par with the “N” word. Like let’s… Let’s eradicate both. All her updates, she’s just like, “My hubby made breakfast. My hubby fixed the door. My hubby is sleeping. He breathed in, he breathed out. He breathed in, he breathed out.” I just keep waiting for the day where she is like, “My hubby shot himself in the face! His letter said he missed his name… which I just found out is Steven. Missing my hub like a mug.” You have to be so patient to be a parent, you know? My friend, her kid… We were in the park hanging out, and her kid tangled up his kite string, and she’s sitting there with it for 40 minutes like, “Okay, baby, I got it. Over and under. It’s okay, baby. I got it.” And he’s just watching, like… And I’m watching this whole operation, and thinking if that was me, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, we have to throw away your kite! Oh, you loved it. Aw…” [chuckles] [nasally voice] “That is awful. I feel so bad.” [normal voice] I just want a life that has passion. I don’t know. [sighs] I just want excitement. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good adult, have a solid life, but I also want passion and unpredictability. Not like Jodi Arias level, but like something. Are you guys following that… The Jodi Arias? [scattered applause] Cool. [giggles] Me too. Me too. How crazy, we have that in common. Um, no… it’s an interesting one, right? First of all, it’s like, you know, she’s a woman, and murder is mostly a man’s game, so it’s like she kind of broke a glass ceiling in a way. It’s like… I don’t know. Feminism is so complicated. But it’s an interesting case because… [sighs] allegedly, she stabbed him a bunch… It’s her ex-boyfriend… She stabbed him a bunch of times, then slit his throat from ear to ear, then she shot him. It’s like, “Mmm, pick a thing,” you know. In that regard, she really was like a typical girl, where she’s like, [mimicking] “I can’t decide. I’ll have all the desserts.” Well, congratulations, guys, on you all just coming out of your houses tonight. That’s so hard to do, isn’t it? [applause] So hard. I hate leaving my house. I’m always amazed when people do it. I’m the happiest when I’m just on my couch, under my blankets, just all cozied up with just my laptop, and my iPhone, and my iPad, and my pee jars everywhere. Just playing bongos on my pee jars. Happy as a clam in my little kingdom. Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate that for ten years? Or you have a pile of dirty dishes in the sink in the next room, and you hear water, one drop drop into it, just like, “Bloop.” And you’re like, “I know!” That’s my kind of household, but I love it. Sometimes I feel like if these walls could talk, they’d be like, “Bitch, you’re back in bed again?” I’d be like, “Shut up, walls! You’re boring, too.” [chuckling] I do hate it. I hate leaving my house ’cause I have to pee constantly, and I hate asking people… I hate asking people, [nasally] “May I use your restroom?” I hate that, like, [shrilly] “Please, may I?” [normal voice] It’s just so humiliating to ask a business to use their restroom. And I pee all the time. I told my friend that. I’m like, “I pee all the time,” and he’s like, “You’re a frequent urinator?” I’m like, “Um, don’t put a medical flair to it. I pee a lot, okay?” And he’s like, “Is it sticky pee? like, is it like syrup?” I’m like, “No, motherfucker.” How crazy would I have to be that I have sticky pee, and I’m just walking the earth… like I’m just like, “Uh-huh. Yeah, I do, I have sticky pee. Why, what’s up? What’s up? What’s up? What is it? What’s on your mind? What’s the deal? My pee… yeah, it’s like molasses, why? Why do you ask? Just wondering why you ask.” You know. It’s like… if I had molten pee, like, I would be in an ambulance right now. I don’t like peeing in public. I hate that feeling of like, someone being so close to you. I don’t know if you guys do this, but I will actually tilt and try to pee on the side of the toilet bowl ’cause it flattens it and then it’s seamlessly injected into the toilet water, completely silently. And then no one can ever know how forceful my pee stream is. That’s too much intel for a stranger. They’re like, “Chelsea pees like a horse.” It’s like, no. Putting my foot down. I just panic… like, what if I let go, and it’s that kind of lawn-sprinkler pee, you know, that pulsating… Where it’s like… [makes whooshing sounds] Then all of a sudden, you gotta make a joke to your stallmate. You’re like… [forced laughter] “Club music!” I can’t take this stress. like, I’d rather just hold it. I don’t even like eating in front of people. That stresses me out, to be honest with you. I hate the feeling… I don’t want to eat on a business lunch, and I don’t want to eat on a first date. It’s an animal thing… I can’t chew confidently, like… [imitates chewing] You know? My instinct as an animal, when I see meat on a plate, I just want to pick it up and then just drag it off down into a dark hole somewhere, just… [makes gnawing sounds] That’s how I think restaurants should be, just jet black with dirt holes around the perimeter. Just like throw a pan in there. My ideal eating situation is just me in a ditch with a buffet in it. Okay? With no one around for miles, just the wind and the treetops. I’m just naked. I’m just like, “Mmm. Shrimp, shrimp, shrimp, cake, cake, cake. Shrimp cake, why not?” [grunts] And I’m not saying this in a Cathy cartoon way. I’m saying this in a River Monsters way, okay? A Game of Thrones feast. That’s how I want to eat. Just like Sizzler right when the apocalypse hits. That would be my absolute dream. I don’t like eating bananas in public. That is so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying ’cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana on the bus or wherever you may be, all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how do I de-dick this delicious treat, so that I may enjoy it without people imagining me blowing them, you know? So, I have a system again, and I think a lot of us do this. What you do is you peel it, right? Then you break a piece off, right? Then you mash it up in your palm into a paste, and you push it up between your fingers and eat it like… [trills] [laughs] [trills] Right, ladies? ‘Cause you don’t want it to look sexual. That’s a no-no in society. I actually just got some bad news. I just found out I’m allergic to gluten-free food, so it’s a nightmare. It’s gonna be hard to eat in this century. Do you guys know… Speaking of pigging out, do you know that a female pig’s orgasm lasts supposedly for 30 minutes? Ask your mom. That’s a great spirit in here. Honestly, sometimes, I look out at the audience, and I’m just like, “Fuck, I wish I was you.” You know? Just sitting there totally just like, “What’s next?” You know, just totally relaxed, just watching a genius, you know. Just seems like a fun time. Do you guys ever fantasize about having a job other than your own shitty job? like, for me, I do it all the time. For me, what my fantasy job is… is to be a florist. I really feel in my heart of hearts, if I was a florist, I would be happy all the time. It would just be 24/7 nirvana, and I would always have my hair just kind of loosely piled on my head, you know, with just some chopsticks through it, and just long skirts and bangle bracelets, just like… [imitates clinking] And then I would talk to all my customers just really soothing, like, [quietly] “Let me put some extra baby’s breath in there for you.” [giggles] It actually calms me just to pretend to be a florist. “Okay, these will look really nice. That’ll fill that in really nicely for you. There you go. And I’ll put a little ribbon on it. [indistinct] I think that would be really nice.” It makes me feel so good, I should do this every night. “All right, there you go.” And then I feel like, in my fantasy, all my customers would be really handsome male architects ’cause that’s like the perfect guy job, and when I was done making the bouquet, they’d take it and turn it around and be like, “It’s actually for you.” You know, that’s my fantasy of what it’s like to work in the floral industry. I’m sure I’m idealizing it. If I actually got into that field, I’m sure someone would just be like, “That’s not a daffodil, you cunt.” You know. [audience laughs] It’d be a rude awakening. That’s my fantasy. It’s weird being on TV now because then it’s like stand-up… When you do stand-up, it’s all about being relatable. You want to go, “Okay, here’s what my day was, here’s what’s going on,” and people are like, “Oh, I’ve done that, too.” Then you get on TV and weird stuff starts happening in your life. You start going, “Is this relatable?” You know, like… [sighs] For example, nothing really feels like it costs anything anymore. Is that relatable? [audience laughs and applauds] [Chelsea giggles] No, I do love stand-up. I think it’s just cool that you get to say your feelings, and it’s this completely unmoderated experience. like any song you’ve heard, that’s the same thing. That’s just that songwriter’s point of view on what was happening. I always have that Michael Bolton song stuck in my head, where it’s like… ♪ How can we be lovers If we can’t be friends? ♪ ♪ How can we start over When the fight never ends? ♪ ♪ Oh, baby, how can we? ♪ Anyway, yes, yes, it’s a great song. We all love it. [chuckles] I think we can agree. But that’s just maybe Michael Bolton’s take on whatever was going on in that relationship with that girl that he was singing about. Maybe that wasn’t her issue with Michael Bolton at that time at all. like, maybe her song to him would have just been like… ♪ Your hair kind of hit me In the face when we fucked ♪ ♪ I just didn’t like it That was more my issue ♪ [audience laughs] That’s so funny how you know every word to a song, and then, it’s like, maybe ten years in, you realize what it’s actually about. You realize the lyrics, what they’re actually meaning, you’re like, “Oh!” You know? I was thinking about that Dr. Dre song from the ’90s, where it’s like… ♪ Bitches ain’t shit But hoes and tricks ♪ I’m like, “If you actually look within the lyrics… that song is actually not that complimentary to females.” [laughs hysterically] You guys have been really cool. You know, uh… have you? I don’t know. Um… [chuckles] Sometimes when I do interviews, which is constantly, people will ask me, you know, “You’re a woman and you do comedy. Question mark.” like, that’s the whole question. And I never know what to give them, what they want. I don’t know how to describe what it’s like. The best I can do is like, you’re up on stage, and you’re telling jokes, and the whole time, in between your legs, you have a pussy. Sometimes the jokes are going great, you still have one. Other times they’re going… ugh… you still have that same set of genitals. It’s like it’s haunting your every move… no matter what ideas you might be expressing. It’s creepy. like, watch… [grunts] still there. So scary. It is weird being a female comedian ’cause you do hear people talking shit all the time. like, “Fucking female comedians, dude, they fucking suck. All they do is talk about their fucking period, man. Fuck that shit. I have discerning taste. I like fart jokes mostly.” [chuckles] Or whatever their taste may be. But it just annoys me ’cause I have never… just because of that, I’ve never talked about my period the whole time I’ve done stand-up ’cause I don’t want to give anyone the satisfaction. But what annoys me is just on principle, because I guarantee you, if guys got their period, all right? Just make that jump. If guys got their period, there’s no way a male comedian would be standing on stage right now bleeding out of his dick, okay? Just like bleeding, and he’s just like, “I’m not gonna talk about it. I’m not gonna do it. It would be déclassé. I don’t want to disrespect comedy like that. I said no.” You know? If guys got their period, 90% of stand-up comedy would just be people running around like, “I was bleeding out of my dick! What the fuck?! Drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop, drip, drop!” Thank you guys very much. [man coughs] [snores] [soft music plays] [instrumental rock music plays] I found a caricature that someone had drawn of my face and I don’t a-know… And I don’t a-know… [laughs] I don’t a-know. Show the audience you’re having a soda. [imitates soda can opening] [burps] Men love Daniel Day-Lewis, you know? [audience whoops] Hoisting my pants. Should I say that again? Or should I just keep all this in? [grunts] [man] This isn’t funny. Can I have my money back, please? It’s not funny? You want your money back? All right. – [click] – [whirring] – There you go, toots. – Great, thanks. – Are you guys awake? – [audience laughs] Just checking in. This will be my life dream. Uh… just making sure you are with me here, as I do perform my jokes for you tonight. Thanks for checking in. I will go off-book. As you can see, I will go ahead and personally attack each and every one of you. [laughs]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

George Carlin: What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-what-am-i-doing-in-new-jersey-transcript/

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? is the 12th album and sixth HBO special by American comedian George Carlin. It was recorded at the Park Performing Arts Center in Union City, New Jersey for an HBO special and released on August 15, 1988. George Carlin changes his act by bringing politics into the act, but also talks about the People he can do without, Keeping People Alert, and Cars and Driving part 2. * * * Hey I got to go to Jersey. Is there any way you can get out of it? No I don’t think so. I think it has something to do with original sin. Okay get in. Sorry to do this to you. Why are you going to go to New Jersey? I got to do a show. What kind of show? I’m a comedian. 42nd Street man. You know why they call it 42nd Street? Why? Cause that’s about all the amount of time you’ll want to spend on it. 40-seconds. But I kind of like the signs. Yeah they look great. I saw a sign here last week I’d never seen before. “On stage tonight, continuous live adult, nude, all male fucking.” Huh? You know every time I go through this well-used tunnel I think of my ex-wife. What do you mean 3 dollars for a round trip? Nah, she’s from Jersey. Those people know about sex. They came up with those names, Middlesex County, Essex County, Sussex County, Point Pleasant, Long Branch, Cherry Hill, Succasunna, Fort Dix. Jersey’s not so bad. A lot of yuppies live out here. Yeah? Maybe if we’re lucky most of them will die. Hey man it’s getting late. I hate to tell you this but I think we’re lost. Lost in New Jersey. Let’s get out of here man. Hey, here’s a place. Pull in over here. I’ll go in and ask directions. While you’re in there ask them about what you think of man’s role in the universe. Why? I’m a cab driver, I just want to know. Excuse me, I got to do a show near by and I need directions, can you help me? Hey you’re George Carlin. Yeah. We’re just getting ready to watch you on TV. Oh great, but look can any of you guys tell me how to get to the Park Theatre? Just one more thing. What do you think about man’s role in the universe? Okay. What’d they say? They said keep going straight until you come to a turn. No what’d they say about man’s role in the universe? Oh they said they needed more time to think about it. Okay here. Thanks a lot man. Appreciate it. Hey you want to come in and see the show? No I think I’ll go back and watch it at Manny’s. Okay. Just don’t ask them anything too deep. Hello Union City, New Jersey. Hi everybody. Thank you. I’m Lloyd Lindsey Young. I want to tell you right now we got a wild night. Heavy thunderstorms. Heavy. Heavy. 49 degrees in the breeze and we’re gonna have a lot of fun. Without any further ado it gives me a great deal of pleasure to introduce a gentleman who needs no introduction. All right. Hey there. Is it going all right? Thank you. Thank you everybody. Hello. Hi ya. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi ya. All right thank you. I appreciate that. I’d like to begin tonight by thanking you for being here and thanking everybody at Manny’s for helping us find our way down here. And I’d like to start. Oh I’m sorry. Okay. Like to start with a list of people I can do without. I think everybody has a list like this. This is my list of people I can do without. Guys in… guys in there fifties named Skip. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot whose wearing two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have 3 or 4 drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 300 times in a 2-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breastfeeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says, “Hope to see you folks again real soon.” Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to the Star Spangled Banner. Any lawyer who refers to the police as the federalez. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin. A brain surgeon with “Born to Lose” tattooed on his hands. Guys who have their names printed on their belts. Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initial. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. Okay that’s enough of that. That’s enough of that. Thank you. All right. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. This a lively group we have here and a good sized audience too. I want to mention that this is probably… I have… I really haven’t seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. Yeah. Yeah. 225 of them so far. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, been arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code. 225 of them and Edwin Meese alone… Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by 3 separate special prosecutors and there’s a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. 3 separate special prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the attorney general. And the attorney general is the nation’s leading law enforcement officer. See that’s what you got to remember this is the Ronald Reagan administration were talking about. These are the law and order people. These are the people who are against street crime. They want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. There against street crime …yeah… there against street crime providing that street isn’t Wall Street. And the Supreme Court decided about a year ago that it’s all right to put people in jail now if we just think they’re going to commit a crime. It’s called preventive detention. All you got to do now is just think they’re going to commit a crime. Well if we’d of known this shit 7 or 8 years ago we could have put a bunch of these republican motherfuckers directly into prison. Yeah. Put them in the joint where they belong and we could have saved the money of putting these country club pinheaded assholes on trial. Another thing you’ve got to remember this is the group of people who are elected with the help of the moral majority. Elected with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters Union. That’s a good combination. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America. Another thing, keep in mind these Reagan people are the ones that were going to get government off our back. Remember that? That was the rhetoric of the 1980 campaign. We’ll get government off your backs and out of your lives. Yeah, but they still want to tell you what magazines you can read and they still want to tell you what rock lyrics you can listen to and they still want to force your kids to pray in school and they still want to tell you what you can say on the radio. The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only 2 parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the First Amendment to the Constitution. I’d like to repeat that because it sounds vaguely important. The FCC, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only 2 parts of American life not protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution why did they decide that? Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi. A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well Reverend did anyone ever tell you there are 2 knobs on the radio? 2 knobs on the radio. Of course I’m sure the Reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has 2 knobs on it. But hey Reverend there are 2 knobs on the radio. One of them turns the radio off and the other one changes the station. Imagine that Reverend, you can actually change the station. It’s called Freedom of Choice and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library Reverend if you have any of them left when you finish burning all the books. And I don’t know how you feel about it but I am getting pretty sick and tired of these fucking church people. I have just about had it with these fucking church people, all of them. You know what I say we ought to do with these churches? Tax them. Tax these motherfuckers. If they’re so interested in politics and government policy and public policy let them pay their admission price like everybody else. Tax them. Hey the Catholic Church alone could wipe out the federal budget deficit. If all you did was tax them on their real estate holdings. And speaking of real estate holdings let’s get back to Ronald Reagan and his criminal gang. When last we left them they were going to get government off our backs. Yeah but when it comes to abortion they don’t mind government being in a woman’s uterus do they? Yeah backs are no good but uterus’ okay by them. These people call themselves right to lifers. Don’t you love that phrase and don’t you love the way these kinds of people pervert the English language, “Right to Lifers.” You realize that most of the Right to Lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty and they support the South American DEATH Squads and they’re against gun control and they’re against nuclear weapons control. When they say right to life their talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. [applause] So these right-wingers you know… so these Reagan people, these right-wingers in general, these cryptofascists there against homosexuality. They’re against pornography. They’re against sex education. They’re against abortion. Yeah they’re going to get government off your back but their going to tell you how to live your sex life and let me ask you this. How would they know anything about it? Have you ever taken a look at those people? No wonder there afraid of their body’s. Take a look at them. Doesn’t it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? Doesn’t that strike you a little strange? Hey I’m the first one to say it’s a great country but it’s a strange culture. We got a strange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like Bulimia. Got to be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills 400,000 people a year so they ban artificial sweeteners because a rat died. Know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards but not a list of criminals and maniacs. And now they’re thinking about banning toy guns and their going to keep the fucking real ones! This is a place where alcohol ruins more lives than cancer and everybody gets upset when some athlete gets hooked on cocaine. You know Time Magazine and Newsweek they put cocaine on the cover but they put the liquor advertisements inside the magazine. It’s the old American double standard you know, say one thing do something different. And of course the country is founded on the double standard. That’s our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free so they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, give them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto… you know what the motto of this country ought to be? You give us a color we’ll wipe it out. You got it. So anyway about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified… 80 years later… the slaves are freed. Not so you’d notice it of course just sort of on paper and that was of course during the Civil War. Now there’s another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I’ve heard one. Civil War. Do you think any country could really have a Civil War? Say pardon me. I’m awfully sorry. I’m awfully sorry. Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years but not so you’d really notice it. Cause we still have these people called Civil War Buffs. People who thought it was a really keen war. And they studied the battles carefully and they try to improve other strategies and the tactics to increase the body count, in case we have to go through it again sometime. In fact some of these people actually get dressed up in uniform once a year and go out and refight these battles. You know what I say. Use live ammunition assholes would you please? You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool. But what do you expect? Hey, come on, this is a war like country we come from that northern European, basically the northern European genes, the blue eyes. Those blue eyes. Boy everybody in the world learned real quick didn’t they? When those blue eyes sail out of the north you better nail everything down motherfucker. Nail it down. Strap it down or their grab it if they can’t take it home they’ll burn it. If they can’t burn it they’ll fuck it. That’s what happened to us. And it’s a war like country. Come on I mean forget foreign policy. Even the domestic rhetoric is war like. Everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. We don’t like something in this country we declare war on it. The war on poverty. The war on drugs. The war on crime. The war on AIDS. The war on cancer. We got the only national anthem that mentions fucking rockets and bombs in the goddamn thing. You know what I mean? All right. Anyway you know. Well that’s enough fantasy stuff let’s get back to the real world. Let’s check on Manny’s and see how these guys are doing. You people all right over there? Everything cool? It’s just like a Giant’s game you know? I think they’ve all been drinking intravenously. They don’t have any rectal drugs do they? That’s going to be a big advance when we have that. Soon as we have… then you can hide them and take them at the same time you know? We’ll have to come up with that. Anyway. Now we come to the practical portion of our show. This is the practical stuff. This is where I actually give advice. Little tips and hints and suggestions on things that’ll help the quality of life. Little things you can put to work almost immediately. In fact, some of you may be aware of my more famous tips from the past: How to get rid of counterfeit money. Put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us. Here’s one: How to get out of jury duty. Lots of people try that don’t they? And they do. A lot of them get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie tell the judge the truth. Tell them you’ll make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people just like that. Well today’s suggestions are a little different. These are just sort of hints on things you can do to keep other people alert during the day when you’re out and about your business. Little ways to keep people on their toes cause people need that. And I’m not talking about your friend so much it’s just the general public. People need a little sort of a mental goose during the day to kind of bring them back to reality you know? There are an awful lot of people walking around not all there. And I don’t mean the helpless or the homeless. I don’t mean people who have been kicked out of Matawan without you know their medications and stuff; I’m talking about fuckers with jobs. There are people walking around with a kind of [noise]. Kind of a neutral zone around their heads. Some people leave part of their brains at home when they come out in the morning. Hey some people don’t have that much to bring out in the first place. So I say there are little things you can do to help keep other people on their toes. Did you ever try backing out of a drive-in bank? That’s the kind of thing I mean. Or just walk up to someone on the street and say, Pardon me I have nothing to say. Someone asks you what time it is say, Well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on. Yeah. Now many of these suggestions… many of these suggestions, which I’m offering, are intended for use on retail clerks because retail clerks seem to need special help. [Noise] Did you ever go into a store and realize immediately that the clerk is running on a lean mixture? The cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago. He’s just a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Here’s one to try. Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift. Well they never seem to have mine. I say, I saw your sign I came in for my gift. Save you the trouble of looking all over for me. Doesn’t impress them but it keeps them on their goddamn toes. Or else just go running into any quiet little store on a Sunday morning and say, Are you open on Thursday? They’ll say yes. Say, Thank you. And run. Let them figure it out. It’s not your concern. Stand on line at the bank for a really long time. One of those new kind of lines they have at the bank. The common feeder line. Used to be every teller had his own line, not anymore. Now you think you’re in fucking Disneyland. Stand on line a long time. When you finally get up to the window just ask for change of a nickel. They actually call other tellers over to look at you. Here’s one. Go into the photographer’s studio in your neighborhood and ask the man if you can buy the pictures of the other people. Say how much for that heavyset couple in the window? Oh they will stare at you a long time on that one. In fact, they might even back up several feet. This one is my current favorite. Go into the dry cleaners and ask the man if he can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them on another pair of pants. They ought to be able to do that for the same amount of money. While you’re in there ask them if you can get pecker tracks off a wedding gown. That’s the test of a really quality dry cleaner. Go into a laundry, hand them your shirt and tell them to rotate the buttons. Go into a gun store, buy a gun and buy some ammunition then ask them if they have any ski masks. All right. That’s all right. Go into a supermarket. This is a good one for the supermarket. Get your shopping cart in the supermarket and fill it to the top. I mean a huge mound of groceries and then go up to the line and look for somebody with one item and ask them if you can get ahead of them. Do you mind? I’m in a hurry. I only have 1100 items. Run into a bakery and say, Can you bake a cake in the shape of a penis? They never know they always have to have a meeting. Well I don’t know. Wait a minute now, hold on just a second. Could we have a picture to go by? Well no but I’ll tell you what I’m going do for you lady. Helen? Order more flour Helen. Next time you’re at a wishing well, doesn’t happen often, next time you’re at a wishing well ask to see the manager. Tell him you’ve been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you give me my money back or I’m shitting in the well. Here’s one for the baseball park. Baseball Park. You ever notice at the ballgame a lot of guys bring a glove? Fuck that bring a bat. You see a foul ball coming hit back to them. Hit back to them. Yeah. Then stand up and wave at the pitcher. They’ll think you’re a fun fan. They’ll think it’s straightjacket night. Did you ever notice in some hotels they give you a little sewing kit? You know what I do? I sew the towels together. Sew the sheets to the drapes. Let them know you’ve been there. Here’s one for the guys. This one is strictly for the guys. Go into a barbershop, tell the man you want to get your pubic hairs streaked. Say, Nothing fancy just frost my bush. They’ll be talking about you for years. The man who had his bush hair sectioned off with aluminum foil. As they try to find a way to fit you under a dryer. You’ll be in the Bush Hall of Fame. Here’s a good one in the bar. When you’re drinking in the bar. You ever notice in the bar someone always says to you, Hey can I buy you a drink? Say, no thanks but can I have the money instead? Tell him you’re saving up to buy your own goddamn bar. Now there’s one more area of daily life, which lends itself to keeping people alert and that is when you’re driving. Certainly you’d agree anyone behind the wheel of a car has lots of opportunities to keep people on their toes. And I don’t mean just blowing some guys head off because he cut you off at the red light or something I’m talking about subtle things like putting your car in low gear and following pedestrians into the mall. There’s been a lot of talk, as you know about this violence on the highways. People shooting each other from their cars. I don’t believe too much in that sort of overt violence. I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car I have one of those diamond shaped yellow signs that says, Armed pit bull with AIDS on board. And I’ll tell you even the jackoffs are leaving me alone. Here’s a little some fun in the car driving along. Somebody’s driving along next to you in the next lane over there and you say, Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! He pulls over you keep going. Let him park a while and think it over. Hey it’s certainly none of your concern. In fact you don’t want to have anything to do with an asshole like that. That man is liable to kill someone. Here’s another little practical joke for the driver. When you’re going through the tollbooth—well, not actually through the booth itself. Shit that would be a big practical joke. I mean when you’re going through the little space in between the booths. When you get up there and the guy sticks out his hand bargain with him. Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was free Chevrolet Day. Tell him it’s a used road and you’re looking for a discount. Tell him you got no more money you spent it all on pussy and beer. That will wake him up especially if you’re a woman. Talking about tollbooths. Talking about tollbooths and paying you’re way. I grew up in this area and I think anyone who’s driven in this area would have to agree with one thing, New Jersey deserves the title, Toll Booth Capital of the United States of America. Huh? Oh yeah. You know because you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some smuck in a hat wants 50 cents. And I don’t mind paying tolls but every 27 feet? Bullshit. I’d like to give them a blank check when I enter New Jersey and I’ll sign it when I leave and let them fill it out. You know what I mean? Leave me out of it for Christ’s sakes. You can’t make any gas mileage in New Jersey. You’re in a constant state of slowing down. By the time I get to Pennsylvania I need a fucking brake job. So I say let them be honest. Let them put it right on the license plates New Jersey, The Toll Booth State. What does it say now? The Garden State? Sure if you’re growing smoke stacks, yes! Now don’t get me wrong I got nothing against New Jersey. I love the place. I used to live right across the river from Jersey and I used to wave to the people. They couldn’t see me it’s a mile and half, but fuck’em I waved anyway. Why? Because I’m a caring guy. I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell it says, Kiss her where it smells take her to New Jersey. So I’m a supporter you can hear that in my voice. Well, I know you can’t please everyone that’s true. Well you see I mentioned the license plates because I’m interested in what different states put on their license plates. Different states choose different little slogans and I sort of keep an eye on that. Like Florida and Georgia put the county in case these people forget where they live overnight. Indiana says, “Wander.” Sure just get out and get hit by a fucking Greyhound bus. Pennsylvania went cutesy the last time. Pennsylvania’s now says, “You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania.” Well most of the people who read these things live in fucking Pennsylvania! Of course they have a friend or 2 by now! 30 or 40 years you meet someone you know? I just… well. The most dramatic license plate of all has to be New Hampshire’s, which says, Live free or die! Well I’m certainly not going to move there. I get just a little nervous in any state where they mention death right on the license plates. On the other hand Idaho says, Famous potatoes. I guess those are the two extremes in thought. It would seem to me that somewhere in between ‘Live free or die’ and ‘Famous potatoes’ the truth lies probably it’s a little closer to famous potatoes. But that’s just one fellow’s opinion. And as long as were talking about things that belong on the back of the car, things that are there to be read, let’s check our bumper stickers before we go out driving. Let’s make sure we have enough bumper stickers on the car. You wouldn’t want to get out in traffic and not have some reading material for the other drivers. What on earth would people ever do at the red lights if it weren’t for my handy rear bumper mobile library service? And I have so many I always have to check to see which ones are current. Let’s see what I have on here today. Kind of an intellectual bumper sticker. Honk if you’re horn is broken. That ought to hold the average American for about a mile and a half. Here’s a spiritual one. I’ve found him. I have Jesus in the trunk. And of course my favorite bumper sticker. I’d rather be driving. Usually the guy who has that one is wearing a T-shirt that says, Same shit different day. What else do we see on the backs of these cars? I love my German shepherd. I love your wife. And of course a humorous license plate frame. You wouldn’t want to wonder too far from home without a humorous license plate frame. Mine says, My other car is a piece of shit too. And let’s not forget the 3 most puke inducing words that man has yet thought of, baby on board. I don’t know what valueless, soulless, yuppie cock sucker thought of that idea. No idea who. Baby on board. Who gives a fuck? I certainly don’t. You know what these morons are actually telling us don’t you? I know you’ve figured this out. They’re actually saying to us, we know you’re a shitty driver most of the time but because our child is near by we expect you to straighten up for a little while. Fuck these people. I run them into a goddamn utility pole. Right into a pole huh? Roll that car over. Bounce that kid around a little bit. Let him grow up with a sense of reality for Christ’s sakes. Life doesn’t change because you post a sign. I’m supposed to alter my driving habits because some woman forgot to put her diaphragm in, isn’t that really nice? Isn’t that a real treat for me? Baby on board. Child in car. Don’t tell me your troubles lady. Why don’t you put up an honest sign? Asshole at the wheel! Asshole at the wheel. They don’t sell many of them do they? No. They give them away free with Volvo’s and Audi’s. God help us. And Saab’s. Some of these misfits buy Saab’s. We bought a Saab. Well what’d you buy a Swedish piece of shit like that for? It’s a safe car. These people think if they buy a safe car it excuses them for the responsibility of having to learn how to drive the fucking things. First you learn to drive then you buy you’re goddamn safe car. Well I get pissed. Goddamn it I get pissed. You know there’s a lot… there’s a lot of shit you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like red lights. When did this bullshit start? I only noticed them about a month ago myself. And I’ll be honest with you I don’t stop for them anymore. I did for about a week didn’t like it. Fuck’em. I’m gone. I got no time to sit there jacking around listening to the news. You know my motto in traffic, cop didn’t see it, I didn’t do it. I’m gone. Hey I haven’t hit anybody yet. Haven’t hit anybody. I’ve had a few people behind me hit each other but hey. That’s not me that’s back there. Me… I’m gone and I’m getting a whole lot better mileage. Especially in town. Goddamn them sidewalks come in handy don’t they? But what are they going to do if they catch me, give me a ticket? You know that’s the big fear in some people’s lives. Ain’t this a bitch might get a ticket. You know how to handle a ticket by now don’t you? You got to be firm with the policeman. Be firm with that policeman. Policemen respect strength. While he’s writing out the ticket you got a flash him a whole lot of bad looks. Then when he’s almost finished writing reach over and grab the ticket out of his hand. Tell him you’re going to check it over for mistakes. Then when you’re finished reading it crumble it up and throw it at his feet and say, Fuck you and you’re ticket too! You asshole in a hat. Can’t you see I have enough garbage on the floor of my car already without another worthless piece of paper from the state? I got 8 or 9 of them fuckin’ things floating around in here. Hey. Don’t I pay your salary? They like that when you’re interested in the state budget. You’re a public servant; get me a glass of water. You pinheaded prick you’re holding me up Jack. People are waiting for me at a party. I got a trunk full of heroin get the fuck out of my way will ya? Tell him it’s your car. Tell him it’s your car and you do what you goddamn want with it. Say I own this car. My name is on the pink slip. I do what I what and I own the highway too that my taxes pay for that. There both mine. I own the highway and I own the car. I own everything goddamn it. He’ll be glad to hear that shit. That’s what they like, people who know their rights. That way they don’t have to read them to you on the way downtown to the maximum security penitentiary where you’ll spend the rest of your life with no conjugal visits except from some big guy you don’t want one from. Well I get pissed goddamn it. There’s a lot of shit you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like these jogger assholes. I’ve killed 3 of the motherfuckers myself. 3. I have killed 3 jogger assholes. Out. I’d have more… I’d have a few more but I don’t always kill them. Sometimes I just toy with them you know? I pull up in my car and with my right front tire I pull a sneaker off their heel. Of course he can’t hear me coming because he has on his Walkman. I’m wearing my Walkman today. I’m cutting the world out. Bullshit you are asshole. They think they’re going to live longer by jogging. Not if they get near my fucking machine they’re not. You’re going away. It’s Michelin on Nike time. I don’t know which is worse, the jogger assholes or the bicycle riding creeps. These faggots on their bicycles and they got special little hats you know. They have special little hats to protect their special little heads. And they all try to act grown up. These bicycle people try to act mature because they know basically they’re dealing with a toy. So they try to act grown up by giving hand signals. That makes them feel adult. They give hand signals. He’s going to tell me where’s he’s going. I’ll tell you where you’re going; you’re going 30 feet up in the fucking air is where you’re going. Back on the sidewalk with the rest of the children. Didn’t you’re mother tell you to keep your toys in the yard. Well, I get pissed goddamn it! There’s a lot of shit you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like the other cars. Have you noticed that hazard? Thousands of these other cars many of them with people who have licenses apparently and they get you so fucking pissed off. Some of these people in their cars they get you so fucking pissed off. You get so fucking pissed off you know what I mean? Did you ever get so fucking pissed off that you forgot where you’re going? Because you got behind someone who isn’t going anywhere either. A man with no destination at all. And I say, Step on all the pedals maybe one of the means go! Awe they get you pissed. I don’t know where they come from but I believe… I believe there’s an automotive harassment squad that is notified when I leave the house. All right he’s leaving now. Everyone in position. And they’re laying for me all along my route. Here’s a guy making a U-turn in reverse. Here’s a woman backing out of a bush. And each of them has a special talent. Each driver has one thing he does for you. First of all there’s the guy whose turn signal has been on since 1955. Then there’s his opposite. That’s the guy who doesn’t put his turn signal on until he’s finished the turn. He’s going to tell you where he was. And there’s the guy behind you at night who’s bright’s are on. He has his bright’s on in case you want to read. Well I just happen to have a copy of Ivanhoe with me. Oh don’t they get you pissed off? Don’t they just get you so goddamned mad sometimes when you’re out there. Some of them especially. Here’s one you know. Here’s a feeling you’ll recognize immediately. You ever been behind somebody on like a two lane road or something, somebody you cannot get around, you’ve been behind them already for like 18 minutes and you want to get some where and he’s not moving all? And did you ever get so pissed off that all you want to do now is catch up with him to see what the fuck he looks like? You know that feeling? But I just want to see this cock sucker’s face. Look he looks exactly like I thought he would. Constipated! Cars to watch out for. First cars, any car where the driver is also on the phone. Technology has brought us these self-important twits. You know if phones were invisible these guys wouldn’t own them. The whole idea is for you to see the phone so you’ll know he’s a busy guy. I’m a busy guy. He’s reaching out that’s what he’d tell you. I’m reaching out. Well, reach out and jerk me off. Cars to watch out for. People who don’t know how wide there cars are. Only been driving the goddamn thing for 4 years. Don’t know where it fits yet. Well I don’t know if I can fit in there. You could get the fucking Romanian Army in there! Car to watch out for. Any car with more than 3 people in it wearing neck braces. Cars where the driver is also conducting a personal sightseeing tour for the rest of his passengers. There’s a lot of this going on. Hey lady. Guys in vans. I don’t understand these vans, what’s all the extra space for? They’re never hauling anything. You want to haul lumber rent a truck. You want to get laid go to motel like an Evangelist would for God’s sakes. Use you’re brains a little. Then there’s these people who want you to go ahead of them. This courtesy bullshit that’s going around. See I don’t think it’s real courtesy that’s why I don’t like it. It’s a bogus. It’s a counterfeit generosity. Everybody wants me to go first. You go… go ahead… please… go… go. Even when I leave the house in the morning there’s a guy there at 7 a.m. Waiting for me. I’m waiting for you come out so you can go first… go ahead… go on. I think it’s a post-Vietnam guilt syndrome of some kind. You know America has lost its soul so now it’s going to save its body. It’s like the fitness craze in this country well [noise] doesn’t work that way you know what I mean? Doesn’t work that way and I’m sitting in the driveway. I know I’m sitting there, I’m stuck. It looks like I’m stuck but I’m not asking for any help. I’m not asking for anything just sitting there and some yo-yo, some putts, some, some world class high-tech, state-of-the-art yo-yo who hasn’t had a generous thought since St Swithin’s Day slams on his brakes, kills 3 people behind him and doesn’t ask me to go, tells me to go. You, go! Fuck you! You go! I like it here! I come here all the time. You go. Then when he goes– crash into him. And if he gets out to complain say, Hey you said to go. All right that’s enough of that for the moment huh? I’ve got to take a breather. Thank you. I guess you noticed tonight while we’ve been doing our show we’ve also been electing a pope. And I… ever since I was a little kid, you know when you elect a new pope he chooses a new name for himself and ever since I was a little kid you know what I was hoping? I’m hoping that someday a pope will choose the name Corky. I just want to see Pope Corky the 23rd you know? I think you’d have to skip right to 23 to give him a little creditability. Some how Pope Corky the 1 st doesn’t make it does it? Names interest me. As some of you will be going out of here tonight you might wind up in some of these places which names I haven’t yet figured out who’s in charge. Single’s bars. Have you noticed that single’s bars all seem to think they have to have cute little names that end in ‘S.’ Scamps, Tramps, Chats, Rumors, Cahoots, Bingles, Buckles, Bangles, Jungles, Bongos. I’d like to have a singles bar and call it Nipples and Dicks. A little truth in advertising. The Sperm Club. Snatch ‘O Rama. Frankie’s Fuckery. The Crotchiteria. Café Vagina, Open All Night. Thank you all very much. Have a good time. Good night Kelly. Good night Kelly. See you all later. Thank you appreciate it.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Demetri Martin: Live (At The Time) (2015) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/demetri-martin-live-at-the-time-transcript/

Air date: August 14, 2015 Recorded at The Lincoln Theater in Washington D.C. [rock music plays] [crowd cheering] Thank you. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you for clapping. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thank you. That’s cool. All right. This is a good crowd. This is… All right. Thank you. That guy has a high voice. – [laughter] – [laughs] All right, I got a lot of jokes, so I’m just gonna start telling them. Here we go. I went to a baseball game last summer in a stadium and they had a huge TV in the stadium. A Jumbotron. And this guy proposed to his girlfriend using the giant TV. He put her name up there, said, “Will you marry me?” She said yes. The crowd went wild. They found the couple in the audience. I was sitting there thinking, “God, that’s so romantic. That’s so cool.” And then I remembered thinking, you know, you could also use a screen like that if you’re having trouble breaking up with somebody. Be like, “Hey, I’m gonna grab a hot dog. But you should definitely look at that screen.” That’s a smooth way out of it. I think my favorite sign that I’ve seen is “Bridge May Be Icy.” ‘Cause it’s so honest, you know? It’s just like, “Bridge… may be, I don’t know. I’m… …a sign. I don’t have a conscious mind. I’m… …a tilted yellow square. What are these shapes on the front of me? I mean, bridge may be chocolate. Whatever you want. I don’t care.” “Bridge may not be icy.” That means the same thing as “Bridge may be icy.” That’s… even better, you know? More optimistic. That’s a better sign. “Bridge may not be icy.” Hey, I like your attitude, sign. “Bridge probably not icy. Give it a shot.” Even better. It’s August, bridge probably not icy. You’re right. One sign I don’t like is “Please use other door.” You’re a fucking door, you don’t get to take a break. Just be a door. Just swing. This door thinks it’s a wall. This is ridiculous. When I see “Please use other door,” I wish I had a sign with me to put on the other door that says “No, no, no. Use… first door. First door pulling bullshit. First door lazy. Use first door. Trust me, find way to use first door.” Yeah. Okay. [chuckles] I like that sign “Beware of dog.” I saw that at Staples, they had them. They look really professional. I just wanted to buy a pile of them. Just put ’em up in stupid places, you know? Like… like in the men’s room of a fancy restaurant. Guy gets up to go to the bathroom, “Oh, shit. There’s a… There’s a dog in the men’s room. I think I’m…” Just hang one around a dog’s neck. What a vicious, considerate poodle we have here. Look at that. Or maybe, you know, like if you get a massage, they lay you down on that table, and there’s a hole that you look through. Just centered under the hole on the floor. Guy’s like, “Oh, I’m gonna get a massage. Great. Oh, shit. There’s a freaking dog in this room.” Pets are animals that are not delicious. I don’t think that was by mistake. I think we probably tried to eat all of them. Like, “Okay, these don’t taste good, so we’ll give these first names and sweaters and we’ll hang out with them. And then, uh, let’s eat the rest. Let’s eat these.” [laughs] We even eat birds. I can’t believe we eat birds. How did that start? Somebody was like, “You see that flying up there? I wanna put that in my mouth. Yeah, that looks good.” “It’s covered in feathers.” “No, no, no. I’ll do some shit to it. I’ll make it good.” “What if it doesn’t taste good?” “Well, then I’ll capture it, and I’ll put it in a cage and it’ll live in my kitchen. And I’ll have it shit on old news.” I think we’re mean to birds, man. Like… I mean, turkeys, we break the wishbone. We’ve killed the bird, we’ve cooked it, and we’ve eaten it. Then we’re like, “You wanna break its fucking bones, man?” “Yeah. Yeah, let’s… let’s break its bones, man. We’ll make a wish.” “What did you wish for?” “Death to all turkeys.” It seems like there’s a fine line between having a pet and having a hostage from a different species. You go to somebody’s house, they’re like, “Close the door. He’ll get out. Close the door! He’ll get out!” Okay. What kind of relationship do you have with this dog exactly? Owner walks away, the dog’s like… [pants] “He’s not looking. Open the door, let me out. Come on. I can’t shit when I want to. Open this door! This woman put sunglasses on me last week. I’m gonna eat her when she’s sleeping if you don’t open the goddamn door right now.” I saw a poster that said “Missing cat.” They had a picture of the cat and a whole description. Missing, huh? I think that’s from the human perspective. The cat made that poster, it would say, “Free cat. Finally.” Picture of the cat would be like… “Cat is hunter, cat gets own food, cat has no first name, don’t look for cat, fuck off, leave cat alone, fuck off.” Okay, cat, we get it. Jesus. The hairless cat, that’s a weird looking animal. Looks like somebody procrastinated when they were designing animals or something. Like, “Okay, animals are due for earth today.” “I thought they were due Monday.” “No, they’re due today.” “Oh, shit. Uh… Yeah, no, I am finished. Uh… It’s, uh… The hairless cat, what do you think?” “I think it looks like a meth addict. Let’s see what God says, come on.” I wonder what the hairless cat looks like to regular cats. Just walks by and they’re like, “Whore.” I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between killing a fly and applauding a fly. There was one in my living room, I was trying to kill it. But I was too slow. So was I just… …following the fly around my house, clapping for it. Sending the exact wrong message to the fly. He’s like, “Oh, this guy, uh… he likes what I’m doing. Huh, you like that? You think that’s impressive, let me fly right up to your face give you a close-up of some of this. Oh, now he’s waving at me.” I have an L-shaped sofa. Lowercase. – [applause] – Thanks. Soap scum seems like a really harsh term for that stuff. Maybe we overreacted a little bit with that one. “Look at this soap scum.” “I think that’s just dried soap, man.” “No. This shit betrayed me. This used to help me clean, now I have to clean it? It’s the lowest form of soap there is, man. You’re looking at scum right there.” When I was little, I learned that “please” was the magic word. Then I got a little older, and I learned that “abracadabra” was the magic word. Then I learned that they’re never interchangeable, under any circumstances. “For you, sir.” “I will have the grilled cheese with tomato, abracadabra.” “Okay, here’s your grilled cheese. Enjoy.” “Will you abracadabra just look at me when I’m talking to you?” “Bitch, abracadabra.” And there’s a fourth example, but I can’t say it ’cause I’m a white comedian. [laughter] Those are the rules. White privilege does not extend onto the stage, you see. One thing you don’t see that often is a black magician. There aren’t that many black magicians. Probably because of racism. If a black guy makes something disappear, they’re like, “Hey, get him!” “It’s magic.” “No, you’re black.” White guy can make a whole woman disappear. They’re like, “Ah, she’s fine. He’s white. Don’t worry about it.” People get so mad when you run and try to catch the elevator. I can’t get over how angry they get. What they really hate is when you run and catch it and you go, “I just wanna say hey, everybody. Have a good ride. Okay?” They don’t like that. People are crabby in elevators. One time I was in an elevator and I hit the wrong floor. And then I hit my floor. And people looked at me like I stabbed a baby in front of them or something. I just… I just made a mistake, you know? Longest moment of my life was when we got to the first floor that I hit… The doors opened, and nobody got on, nobody got off. I was like… [humming nervously] The elevator was like, “Oh, this asshole messed up. I’m gonna stay open extra long.” I had to, like, improvise some sort of a cover, you know? I just leaned out, I was like, “Bobby? Pssh. He said he was gonna met me on four. That’s weird. [makes farting sound] Anyway…” If you ask somebody how they’re doing, sometimes they’ll say, “A-OK.” It’s like they’re giving you the beginning of a weird multiple choice answer or something. “How you doing?” “A-OK. B-suicidal. Uh… C-horny.” “Okay, I think I’m gonna head out.” “D-all of the above. Hold on.” I was in the supermarket and I saw they had prune juice for sale. And I had to stop ’cause I was like, “Prune juice? I thought prunes were dried plums. What the hell is prune juice? How hard are we squeezing these prunes?” “Come on, you little shit. We’ll get some juice out of you. Come on.” “Okay, that’s 97 prunes, we have one glass. Should we keep going?” There’s no such thing as prune juice. That’s bullshit. That’s plum juice. That’s the reason you’re a prune is that we took the juice from the plum, leaving you. And then you took credit… …calling it your juice? What a dick move, prunes. I’ve never seen raisin juice for sale. Prunes are pushy. I mean, that’s their nature. You eat a prune… [laughs] – That’s like… – [applause] …sending a cop into your stomach to break up the party. Food’s digesting, having a good time, you eat a prune. “Lights on. Let’s go. Everybody out. Come on, move. We gotta go. Go.” Piece of broccoli, “My friend’s still in there.” “I don’t give a shit. No pun intended. We gotta clear the room.” Freaking prunes. You ruin everything. I like French toast way better than toast. I think a French kiss is nicer than just a plain kiss. So I guess the rule is if you make something French, – you make it better. – [woman cheers] – Except for people. – [laughter, applause] It’s the… it’s the one exception. But, you know… [laughs] I’m just saying they’re not better. They’re equal, they’re the same as us. French people… A souvenir is a funny thing to me. What an interesting concept. It’s like, “Hey, I got you something to remember the time I went to Paris and you didn’t. Yeah, put this on your mantle so you can remember the time that I had a great vacation and you stayed home ’cause you couldn’t afford to go. There you go, enjoy. A piece of garbage from another continent. Do what you want with it.” I like airports, though, ’cause they have those flat escalators. People never look more like groceries than when they’re going through an airport. Just going by. I wanna get one of those rubber dividers in the supermarket, just put it on the thing there. “This is my stuff, that’s your stuff. Don’t try to make me carry your shit, okay? That’s mine.” I don’t like when I’m stopped at a stoplight, I’m sitting there in my car, the light changes, and people in the crosswalk, and they don’t, like, hurry up to get out of the way. And sometimes it’ll be like a tough guy in the group, and he’ll, like, slow down almost. Just to show how tough he is. He’s like looking at my car like he’s gonna fight it. You know? I think you should be able to hit one person a year – with your car. – [laughter, applause] Not to kill, just to communicate. Just to say, “Hey, you know, it was my turn.” Then as he rolls over the top of your car, maybe he’d be thinking, “God, this guy used his one hit for the year on me. Maybe I’m a dick.” Yeah. If I’m in the crosswalk and the light changes, I’m not saying I run out of the way, but I make a gesture to the driver who’s waiting to let them know that I’m not a dick. Know what I mean? The light changes, I don’t run, but I do a thing with my arms. I go… Just so they can see, “Oh, his torso’s running. Look. He’s trying. This guy’s… He’s a good person. You see that? The top half is considerate.” I like that at a lot of crosswalks they have a countdown. It’s like they tell you exactly when it will be funny to push your friend into traffic. Just like, “Here we go.” One time I was at a crosswalk and I saw a guy wearing the same shirt that I was wearing. It was kind of a specific shirt and I looked at him, and he was a dork. Just like a dorky looking guy. And I thought, I’ve got the same taste as a dork. That makes me a dork. That sucks. You know? Two months later, I’m in a restaurant. It happened again. I see a guy wearing the same shirt that I’m wearing, but he was really good-looking. He was with a beautiful woman. And I just looked at him and I thought, “I’m the dork.” [laughter] Can’t win. I bought a box of crackers, took out the first cracker, and I looked at it, it had holes throughout the cracker. I was trying to figure out, why are there holes? For aerodynamics maybe? Just… whoosh! Oh. Look how quickly I can eat these crackers. [whooshing] I’m so glad they perforated them with that tiny drill press. That’s like [whooshing] Without those, ugh! Fucking wind resistance on these crackers. That joke never does well, but I like it. – So I don’t give a shit. – [applause] I believe in it. You know, there were like six people in here who liked it, so that’s, you know, that’s my demographic for the crackers joke. And it’s… I stand by it. How bad does a guess have to be for it to be an uneducated guess? “Do you know the temperature outside?” “Uh, carrots?” “Did you say carrots?” “Yeah, I was just guessing. I don’t know, carrots?” “Are you educated?” “No. No, I’m not.” “Okay. Well, that makes sense because it’s never been carrots outside and never will be carrots. So you need to get an education, go to school, then come back to me, maybe you can make an educated guess.” “Okay.” I wonder what a walrus vampire would look like. Probably a lot like the other walruses, I don’t know. Be hard to pick it out of a crowd. [laughs] I like the word “folks” ’cause it’s so positive. You know, black folks, white folks, Asian folks. It’s just got a good feel to it. You never hear, “I was at a party and these fucking folks showed up. Folks are the worst, man.” You never hear on the news, “22 folks were killed when a bus hit a train.” “Oh, those poor folks!” Quesadilla, that’s a word that you never see the English translation for. You never see that in English. You know? They just keep it in Spanish. I guess ’cause maybe it’s too awkward or something. You know, “And for you, sir?” “I will have the quesa… ‘cheese female small, ‘ please. One little cheese girl for me, that’d be great.” [chuckles] “Okay. You want any peppers or chicken in there?” “No, I think she’s been through enough. I’ll just have the… [laughs]” I feel like they could bring fajitas out from the kitchen a little bit later. There’s a lot of showboating going on with fajitas. Seems unnecessary, a fire emergency coming through the dining room. “Ah, it’s fajitas, they just need attention. Fuck ’em.” I was eating some fajitas and I burnt the roof of my mouth. And I was like, “Ow! The roof of my mouth, that hurts. It’s really tender. Wait a minute. The roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. The roof of my mouth is way up here. Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth at all.” [laughter, applause] Thanks. I love applause for head architecture. This is a good crowd. I took Super Shuttle from the airport. I think they forgot to put the word “slow” in the middle – of their name. – [scattered applause] Hey, if I’m eating some Tic Tacs, and you want some, I’m happy to give you some. Just don’t give me a specific number. It’s too stressful. You know? You want two? Okay, one… 11. Fuck. No, I don’t want those back. Just… They’re in your palm, just keep them. Okay? Thank you. When I was in high school, I took karate. One time I lost my temper in class. That’s when I learned that there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. I received the shit out of that karate. I like when people use the term “color scheme.” ‘Cause it sounds so sneaky. “Okay, we’re gonna make this room look great, and here’s how we’re gonna do it. Blue. Beige. Green. Sh! Somebody’s coming. Don’t talk about colors. Hey, how you doing? What’s up?” [chuckles] Sometimes the opposite of something bad is also bad. It’s confusing. Like pickpocketing. That’s bad. But I found that putting thing in people’s pockets is also bad. So pickpocketing and its opposite, put-pocketing, are both bad. Logic is tricky. When we talk to babies, sometimes we use baby talk. I guess to relate to the baby, we try to sound more like a baby. You know, we’ll be like, “Hello, goo-goo, boopie.” We should do that with old people too. “Oh, hello, Grandpa. Come here, you tired? Oh, hello. Yes, oh. Hello.” If I live long enough, that joke is gonna haunt me. [laughter, applause] We should do that with teenagers too. “What’s up, asshole?” “What are you doing?” “I’m talking teen. Teen talk. Don’t worry about it.” I parked my car in a grocery store parking lot. I got out of my car, and I was walking towards the store and this guy stopped me, goes, “Hey, Demetri.” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “Hey, um, could I be in one of your jokes?” I said, “Uh, sure. How about this one?” [laughter] He was like, “Okay. What does it entail?” I was like, “That’s pretty much it. That’s the joke.” He was like, “Then no. I’m cool. No thanks. I don’t think I wanna be in that joke.” I was like, “Too late. I just told it.” He’s like, “Seriously?” I’m like, “Yeah. You’re in it.” He was like, “Shit.” He walked away, he was pissed off. I was like, “You know, fictional people can be so moody, it’s ridiculous.” It’s interesting that we say “a head of lettuce” but not a “dick of cucumber.” [laughter, applause] “Yeah, give me, uh… give me a dick of cucumber. That’d be great. You know what? Two tits of cantaloupe. Throw those in the bag too. Are kiwis in season? They are. Okay. Three testicles of kiwi and I think we’re good. Good. And a rectum of fig. That sounds delicious.” [laughs] I’d say based on their behavior, cherry tomatoes are not interested in participating in the salad. Kind of like, “Whoa! Nice try. I don’t think so. Watch out. Whoa! Whoa!” How evasive are you gonna be? It’s like I’m trying to stab a rubber ball in this salad. This is ridiculous. It’s just too much work. Then I get to the bottom of the salad and it’s just like a bowl of defiant small tomatoes that are like… “We’re no longer a salad. We’re tomatoes. Now what?” Well, then I’ll just eat you with my hand. Then I bite it, so much drama. It’s like… pssh! Blood! Ahh! Salad is just too much work. You know? You gotta get the ingredients, wash everything, dry everything, mix it together, dress it. Then I go to eat the salad, now I have to make a small copy of the salad on my fork. For every bite. I have to be like, “Okay. Lettuce, onion, cherry tomato, cherry… Forget it. Mushroom, pepper. Gotta make another small salad. Here we go. Lettuce…” “How’s your salad?” “It’s 17 small salads that I had to make.” That’s probably why in a restaurant the waiter’s like, “Are you still working on that salad?” “You’re goddamn right I’m working. I’m exhausted. Take this thing away from me.” I think if a recipe is unhealthy for you, they should change their tone in how they describe the steps. I feel like the tone never changes. It’s just like a sociopath telling you what to do, and they don’t care if it’s like quinoa or cheesecake. They’re just like, “Just do this, I don’t care.” But if it’s unhealthy, if it’s like cinnamon sticky buns, “Step one: run seven miles. Step six: before combining brown sugar and caramel in bowl, take off all of your clothes and stand in front of the mirror. You sure you wanna do this? [sighs] All right. Step 14: contact your doctor, you have diabetes.” [laughs] I can’t believe people can still die from complications in today’s day and age. That that counts as a valid medical reason. I mean, how’s that even acceptable? “So what happened exactly?” “Well, we got him into the OR, and, uh, we opened him up, and, uh, it was complicated. You know? It’s, uh… it’s a lot of blood in there, all over the place, and the organs are pretty tightly packed. Brenda didn’t have a good lunch, my phone went off twice, it’s just… it was complicated. He’s dead. Okay? Forget about it.” If you get cremated, is it all or nothing? Can you make requests? I wonder if you can be, like, half or something. Like, “What does he want? Okay, says he wants to be cremated from the waist down. Okay?” “Anything else?” “Yeah, open casket. He wants his torso at the one end, then the ashes, and they lead to a lamp, and, uh, he’s dressed as a genie.” [laughter, applause] “Well, good for him. He’s having some fun with it. I think that’s cool.” I was thinking maybe I’d get cremated. But instead of having him put me into an urn, I’d have him put me into, like, an hourglass. Then I could still participate, you know what I mean? It’d be like my grandkids could be playing a board game, they’d be like, “That’s my grandfather on the mantel there. Grab that. Yes. He’s like six minutes. Flip him over. Bonus round, Scattergories. Here we go.” Jokes that end in death don’t usually end happy. Kind of like life. – [laughs] – [audience laughs] I might just stick to the prepared material for the rest of the set. I thought… I thought I could freestyle a little bit, but the insides came out a little too much there. “How was the show?” “I’m sad.” When they say someone is gone but not forgotten, it’s such a nice sentiment. You know what I mean? Forgotten but not gone… that just sucks. “Did he die?” “Who are we even talking about? I don’t remember.” Oh, that sucks. When something goes wrong, people send you their thoughts and prayers. And, uh, it’s a nice idea, but it’s kind of weird. You know what I mean? I understand sending the prayers, but the thoughts… that’s kind of strange. “What do you got there?” “Demetri sent us his thoughts and prayers.” “How do they look?” “Uh, the prayers look appropriate. Um… The thoughts are kind of weird. He’s… …thinking of clipping his toenails tonight before he goes to bed. I don’t know why we need to know that. We’re grieving here. But thanks.” I was walking on the beach in California, and a volleyball rolled up by my feet. And this guy yelled, “Little help!” So I just kicked it a little bit towards him. I like watching volleyball. I think it’s a good sport to watch. ‘Cause most sports it looks like all the players really want the ball. But volleyball is different. That looks like nobody wants that thing. Like, “Okay, we don’t want this. You guys take it. Here you go.” Each player’s like, “I don’t want it. You take it. I don’t fucking want it!” “Let’s try this again. We don’t want this.” It looks like a game for people who don’t like volleyballs. Football, on the other hand, that looks like everybody wants that thing so badly. Know what I mean? All the players are like, “Give me the ball. I’ll catch it, I won’t drop it. I’ll covet it, I’ll protect it, it’s mine,” you know? They should make the football look like something that you would protect and covet and hold. A baby. A football should look like a baby. Imagine if they were shaped like babies. Those guys would look like such heroes, like throwing and catching the baby and protecting it, you know? Until they get to the extra point, then it looks like, “I’m sick of this freaking baby.” [thudding sound] – [chuckles] – [applause] Baby just goes through the uprights. “It’s okay.” [laughs] Indoor sports don’t look as cool as outdoor sports. Pool looks pretty cool. But I’ve seen that in movies where the guy’s like… boof! And the lady walks in, he’s just kind of looking smooth. But I don’t even know what’s the second coolest indoor sport. It’s like a distant second. Maybe darts? She walks in the bar and you’re like… [laughs] Air hockey? Foosball. That’s the worst. You don’t wanna do foosball. Are sheep pubes also wool? How much of my turtleneck is pubes? I don’t know if I want to wear that thing anymore. Pubes on my neck. I don’t like that. You can say “Mind your own business,” or you can say “Mind your own beeswax.” I think that’s the only time you can really substitute “beeswax” for “business.” “Is your trip beeswax or pleasure, sir?” “It’s, uh, it’s a beeswax trip, actually. [laughs] It’s personal beeswax. I’d rather not talk about it.” “What are you doing after college?” “Um, applied to beeswax school. So we’ll see what happens. My dad’s a small beeswax owner.” I like the word “nope” because it’s really specific. That’s for when you wanna say “no,” but you’re also happy about it. “Are you guys still serving breakfast?” “Nope.” ‘Cause you never hear “Unfortunately, nope.” “Nope” is for dicks. Sometimes when I have to fart, I feel like my stomach is like a pushy attorney and my butt is like a judge. They’re going back and forth having this furious debate, just back and forth, more and more heated, and eventually my butt is like, “I’ll allow it.” [laughter, applause] “Sustained. This better be silent, counselor.” It’s so frustrating. I don’t know why, but I think of so many fart jokes. I’ll sit down to write some jokes, we go for a walk, fart jokes just float into my head. I’m prolific with fart jokes. But it’s frustrating because I can’t tell them all, because it’s a bad style to have as a comedian. You know what I mean? You don’t wanna be the guy who tells a lot of fart jokes. So I end up having to hold them in. I actually have to hold in… …jokes about farts, even. And it hurts. Then I get home, and I just tell one giant fart joke… [laughs] …to my place when I’m alone, and that’s terrible. I don’t know a lot about the laws of the universe, but I will say this, just on the topic. If you’re a man and you’re alone somewhere, and you fart, a woman will appear. Just bam! Just like that. It’s like they know and they just send one. “He just farted. Get over there. You’re attractive? Even better. Go, go, go. Stand next to him! Embarrass that dude!” [laughs] My friend said, “I’m way better with faces than I am with names.” It’s like, yeah, me too. Everybody is. If I see somebody, I’m like, “That’s his face, right there. The fleshy part on the front. That’s his face. Yeah.” I heard somebody say, “He’s like a brother to me.” I said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. So he stole a bunch of money from your mom and he tries to fight you whenever you go back to New Jersey? I can relate.” [laughs] – Too real, guys, too real. – [laughter] I was in a jewelry store and they had this necklace, it was like cursive writing in gold. And it said “Diane.” And I went up the saleswoman and I said, “You know, if you had one that said ‘Not Diane, ‘ I think you’d have a bigger market.” And then I heard somebody go, “Oh, that’s a good point.” I turned and it was the guy from the parking lot at the grocery store. – [applause, laughter] – Just like… What are you doing here? He said, “I just wanted to stop into another mediocre joke.” [laughs] People say “shotgun” when they want the front seat. You should say “shotgun” when you’re eating rice and you have to sneeze. [laughter, applause] ‘Cause there’s that moment where there’s no turning back, where you’re just like, “Snowstorm’s about to come out of my face, I don’t know how else to tell you this. Just watch out.” I’ve heard people talk about their private parts. I’d like to hear someone talk about their public parts. “You okay?” “Yeah, yeah, I just hurt my publics on that door. I’m fine.” “Your publics?” “My hands, man, my publics. You see?” Sometimes I’ll be in an awkward situation, and I’ll try to save it really quickly by saying something fast, but often it just makes it worse. I was at a party and this woman said, “Excuse me, your fly is open.” I said, “For business.” And… “I mean, thank you. Sorry, excuse me.” If you’re on the phone with somebody and they’re looking up some information for you, I don’t know why, but they often make a soft laser sound while you’re waiting. You know what I mean? They’ll be like, “Okay, sir, let me just look up your account number. [softly] Too-too-too-too… Too-too-too-too… Too-too…” What the hell was that? Totally acceptable. Only if it’s a soft laser. It can’t be like, “Okay, sir, just one minute. [makes loud laser sound effects and explosions] There it is. 628… Bum-bum-bum-bum…” When they came out with the Phillips head screwdriver, I wonder if the guy who did the flathead was like, “What? We can get credit for this? Shit!” If I see a scary movie and then I come home, and there’s a noise in my house, it sounds scary. I’ve seen a lot of funny movies, I wish it would work the same way. Like, “Did you hear that in the kitchen?” “Yeah. That was fucking hilarious.” “There is somebody hilarious in this house.” [laughs] “I hope they bump into some more stuff.” I don’t like the way they write on food packaging. I think it’s condescending. Because they use euphemisms where they really shouldn’t. You know? Like, it’ll say “best before April 3rd.” Best before? Is this the time to be discussing excellence? How about “dangerous starting on”? “Diarrhea at.” Food is tricky. Like, milk starts out good, then it becomes bad. Then it becomes disgusting. Then it becomes dangerous. Then it becomes cheese. Way to turn it around, milk! [applause, laughter] Who figured that out? “Man, your place smells terrible. You gotta get rid of this crap.” “Hold on. I just… wait. I wanna see where this is going. This vomit-shit smell might turn into the thing I wanna melt over everything I eat. So just wait.” If I were inventing foods, I would have never come up with the hot dog. That is a very counterintuitive food design. “Okay, what do you got?” “All right. Uh, we start with the intestine of a dead animal. We take all the meat byproduct you were gonna throw away, grind it up, shove it into the intestine.” “I’m listening. What does it look like?” “A severed penis.” “How is it served?” “On a bun that looks like partially spread apart ass cheeks. What do you say?” [laughter, applause] “You’re calling it dog. Hm, very appealing.” “It’ll work in America.” When I was in grade school, they had the alphabet on the wall above the chalkboard, kind of going around the corner, and it was interesting ’cause you could see the uppercase and lowercase letter for each letter. It looked like a parent and child from each family. You know what I mean? And with some of them, you could really see the resemblance. Like with “X” I was like, “That’s definitely your parent. I mean, I can see you’re like a carbon copy. ‘C’, I totally get it. ‘Z, ‘ ‘S, ‘ I mean… identical.” Others, like, harder to really see, you know? Like “A”, like is that… I don’t know. I don’t really see the resemblance. Looks like an “O” with like a crutch or something. But okay. “R”… did you smoke while you were pregnant or something? ‘Cause… that kid looks unfinished. That’s kind of a weird-looking child you have there. And “Q”, did “P” and “G”… …kind of have an affair or something? And then they were like, “Oh, what are we gonna do with this kid?” And “Q” was like, “I hardly get used. I could adopt it and look after it, just… We’ll call it a ‘Q’. Don’t worry about it.” If you’re in a restaurant and you wanna get the check, you just go like that and they bring you the check. I think you should be able to do that at your job too. You know? If your boss walks by, you be like, “Can I get the check? Can I… I need the check now. Yeah, for the… Thank you, yeah.” The only time it’s okay to throw a hamster is if it’s out of the window of a burning building. Then you’re a hero. You’re like, “Live! [sighs] That felt great. It’s the perfect size and weight. I’ve always wanted to flick one of those.” My smoke alarm is so annoying. I hate that that’s how safety works, is that they’re gonna annoy me into being safe. I wanna put, like, microwave popcorn around my house. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m like, “That smells great. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Get a snack on the way. That’s a good idea.” When you’re trying to tell somebody a letter on the phone, you’ll be like, “B as in boy. M as in Mary.” That’s what people do. They always pick the first letter of the word. You could mix it up. “O as in tango. F as in deaf. R as in fart.” [laughs] “Okay, sir, we get it.” I don’t like fitted sheets. I feel like that’s a very passive-aggressive design we’re dealing with there. Does it have to be the exact same size as my mattress? Couldn’t you give me a little bit of wiggle room? I do my laundry and I’m already in a bad mood as I approach my mattress. Do the first corner, then the second. By the time I get to the third, I’m looking at the fourth like, “You son of a bitch.” I get over there and it’s just such a struggle. I’m like, “I can’t do it! Come on, come on.” My fingers are killing me. I’m just pulling that thing down the side as far as I can go. I get halfway down, I’m like, “That’s enough. It’s fine.” Four in the morning. “Surprise, bitch!” “Get off me! Get off me! Fine, I’ll use you as a thin blanket. There you go. Now what?” I find that athletic clothes are perfect for just sitting around in. [applause, cheering] These are pajamas that make me look ambitious. I like this. – [laughs] – [whistling] I’m an athlete. I’ll even watch sports. There we go. I’m so close. When I was in high school, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be on the debate team or not. And that was frustrating. Happy birthday, by the way. – [woman] I just turned 30! – Hey, I used statistics. – Happy birthday. – [laughter, applause] That’s great. Thanks for coming. You just turned 30. That’s cool. How’s it going? – [woman] Great. – What are you doing? Like life-wise? Job-wise? I messed up that question. I could just “What do you do?” – She left. Oh, shit. – [laughter] She’s like, “I’m 30, I don’t have to deal with this shit.” What’s the minimum number of people you can have and it still counts as a surprise party? I wonder. It seems like it’s gotta be greater than one. If you come home and just one friend jumps out from behind your couch, “Surprise!” “Get the hell out of my house!” “It’s a party.” “No, you’re an intruder.” If I robbed people’s houses, I would just bring a lot of people and a cake just in case the person came home. They walk in, you’re like, “Surprise! Hey, we got you all your stuff. We put it in bags. Okay, we’re gonna go. Enjoy the cake. Bye.” I think what I like the most about people who are very religious is how open they are to other people’s points of view. It’s nice. I like atheists because you don’t really ever hear about, like, an atheist, like, blowing up a school or, you know, a restaurant or something. They’re never like, “Science!” [imitates explosion] “Logic!” [imitates machine gun] I heard this R&B song. It came on the radio. I was in a rental car. I turned the radio on. This song comes on. This guy’s, like, kind of telling a story, he’s kind of whining. But okay, I’m listening. All of a sudden, in the middle of the song, a rapper shows up. Guess these guys are friends or something. He shows up, he does a whole rap of just his own thing. Finishes up, he takes off. We never hear from him again. He’s gone. First guy comes back and he finishes the story, and then the song’s over. I just thought that was hilarious. ‘Cause I’ve never seen that in any other art form. You know? Not like in literature, you know, you’re reading a book. “What’d you think of that novel?” “Pretty good, you know, like, I got into the story, first seven chapters. Then in the middle, there was a really angry first person essay… This other writer, I guess. I don’t know if they’re friends or something, but… You know, this guy has a big dick, he’s gonna sleep with all these women, it’s a whole thing. And… he’s not gonna by them stuff, though. He made that clear. He’ll sleep with them, but he’s not, you know, not looking to get tied down. All caps. Very confident. Uh… A lot of it rhymed, and then the essay was over. And then went back to the story. Yeah, it was all right.” When I was a kid, I could climb trees. That was a thing I could do that I can’t do anymore. I lost that privilege. You know? If I go down a street and I see a bunch of kids in trees, I’m like, oh, they’re having fun. If I go down the same street and there are adults in all the trees, I’m like, “I need to get into a fucking tree now.” [applause] “Something bad is happening on this street. There’s like a wolf or something around here.” That’s how you know you’re a grownup, if someone sees you in a tree and they’re like, “Get help!” I don’t know why, but if somebody’s smelling something, and they also close their eyes while they’re doing it, I just wanna smack them in the face. “Open your eyes. You can do both. You can look and smell at the same time. Don’t do that.” Sometimes they have a bottle and they’ll have a little ship inside. Looks cool. It’s like the ship in the bottle, you know? That would probably be the worst thing to have float up to an island that you’re stranded on. “This is no time for irony!” People only mention that it’s a free country when they’re doing something shitty. [laughter, applause] – It’s like… – [cheering] “Hey, that’s my seat.” “It’s a free country.” [mutters] Motherfucker… People should mention it’s a free country when they’re doing something nice too. Hold the door for a bunch of people “Thank you, sir.” “It’s a free country.” “Yes, it is, and you are a patriot. Thank you.” – [cheering, whistling] – Yeah. I wonder if you’re in prison, if the other inmates judge you based on what you’re in for. Like, when they’re organizing events or activities, you know. Like, “Should we get Joey on the committee?” “No, he’s in for attempted murder. I feel like he doesn’t really see things through.” [laughter] On your tombstone… stay with me. [laughs] On your tombstone, they have the birthdate, and the death date. And in between, your whole life, everything you experienced, joys, triumphs, defeat, love, heart break… Pshht! Your whole life is just a little dash after all this. That’s a bummer. I’m not doing that. I’m gonna have an ellipsis. I’m gonna have three dots. Somebody looks at my tombstone, there’ll be suspense. They’ll be like, “He was born… Then what? Uh, he died. There it is. Right there.” – But then… – [cheering] …three more dots, and a third date. “Holy shit, this guy rallied! Whoa! What an interesting dead person.” I would never go tandem skydiving. If something goes wrong, you’re getting dry-humped to death. What a terrible way to go. “What happened?” “Uh, looks like he got dry-humped going about 200 miles per hour into the earth.” I got an email from someone that said, at the bottom, “Warmest regards, Steven.” That’s when I realized that’s as warm as you can go with regards. You know what I mean? Like, “Hot regards, Steven.” That’s no appropriate, Steven. “Steaming hot regards.” What, did you just take a shit in my email? Warm or room temperature regards will be just fine for me. Okay? Regards are strange, ’cause you can only really send them. It’s very hard to give them in person. You tell somebody, “Hey, give him my regards.” And they can kind of be the middleman and pass the regards along. You show up at a friend’s house, they open the door, you’re like, “Hey, regards.” “What the hell was that?” “I’m regarding you.” “Don’t do it, it’s awkward. I don’t know how to deal with this. Please send them through someone else in the future, okay?” I like buying shoes because you go the store, and they have those little mirrors, they have those little slanted mirrors. So funny, you know? “How do those feel?” “These feel good. I was just wondering, do you have anything that could show me what they’ll look like to dogs?” “Uh, yes, we do. We have these ridiculous small mirrors all over the room, so… Yeah, these.” “Oh, those are perfect, yeah, ’cause I don’t want to be involved in the reflection, I don’t want my identity linked to the shoes at all. I just want new shoes and severed shins, just floating around the room, like, as if I’m four-fifths ghost or something would be perfect for me.” It’s weird, ’cause, like, when you buy gloves, they don’t have mirrors off to the side where you’re like, “Oh, that’s good. Just… …the glove and my wrist. That’s all, the forearm and the glove is all I really needed there.” I saw a TV commercial for a TV. The basis of the commercial was, “Look at how amazing the picture is on this TV.” I looked at it and I was like, “That looks remarkably identical to the resolution of my TV. I think I’m good, thanks.” I like the term “sexual favor” ’cause it’s a really funny understatement. You know? “Anything else I can do for you?” “Uh, yeah. Just, um… …if I could ask a favor.” “What, you need a ride or something?” “Yeah, kind of.” All right, I wanna get something offstage now. But I don’t want there to be, like, a dead space in the middle of this special, so… I wonder if I, um… if I use editing, if I go from right here, if I could suddenly appear over there. Cool, that worked. All right. [laughs] – They can’t see me right now. – [plays harmonica] [cheering] [playing harmonica] [chuckles] – [strums chord] – All right. – Yeah, that was… – [cheering] That was almost smooth. It was so close. [laughs] [plays guitar melody] I love playing guitar. I find it so relaxing. I’m not great at it, but, you know, I still play ’cause I enjoy it. I’ve tried to write songs, but it’s not my gift. I wrote a protest song, but it was an instrumental, so… So very ineffective. My friend called my other friend a night owl, and I was like, “You know, owls are nocturnal. You could probably just call him an owl and that would cover it.” I think it’s cool that flash mobs came and went so quickly as a phenomenon. I find that it’s a lot less creepy to ask a woman to dance with you than for you. What happened with number one pencils? I feel like they really blew it. My friend’s really good at doing the robot. I’m pretty good. If you can imagine a robot that’s so technically advanced that it moves exactly like a regular human being… …who’s standing on the side of the dance floor being a judgmental asshole. [plays harmonica] Stuffed animals are cute… …unless they once lived. I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. I saw that it was Shark Week. So sharks get a week every year. So black people get only three more weeks than sharks in this country. That’s messed up. I know we’re afraid of both, but I don’t think that’s appropriate. [plays harmonica] My friend has a beach body. Kind of like a sea lion. I wanna open an optical store. I’ll make the sign really blurry. I think the best form of birth control is correcting other people’s grammar. Works every time. I like that they came up with the word “crafts.” ‘Cause I think art and shitty art just sounds too mean. One restaurant that doesn’t deliver that should is a food truck. Just drive it to my house. Come on, you’re perfectly equipped for this. Taste buds sound like they get along really well with each other. I think most people who describe themselves as a people person should maybe check with others before they give themself that title. [plays harmonica] One place I would not want to be chased is Kenya. I think my favorite thing of all time ever, of everything ever, is exaggeration. No, I’m sorry. I like second guessing the best. I prefer second guessing. That’s the best. If I had a safe in my house, the only thing I would put in there is a note that says, “Nice try, asshole.” I feel like most people are assholes because if I see a group of people and I go, “Hey, asshole,” they all turn and look. Sometimes I’m worried that I might be an asshole. I feel like I’m a good person, but, at the same time, if I see somebody trip, I feel like, “Yeah.” [laughs] “Wasn’t me. Awesome.” Fall is the only season that has another name. It’s like that one had a sex change or something, you know? “Have you seen fall recently?” “You mean autumn?” That joke is not offensive. Sometimes instead of saying “for example,” I’ll say something such as, “such as,” for example. I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays. [laugher, cheering] All right. I think Jesus was probably one of the first scarecrows. – [plays harmonica] – [crowd gasping] Thank you, harmonica. I don’t like double-decker busses. I think that’s a bad idea. There’s a situation where you can get in a car accident and fall down the stairs at the same time. Way too dangerous. If you’re in a drum circle, I wonder if there’s a moment where you’re like, “I’m never gonna be rich.” I think “balls” is a terrible nickname for that part of the male anatomy. Balls? That implies all these things we don’t want done to them. You throw balls and you bounce them and you kick ’em. All bad. Terrible. They should have named them something better. Mints. “You okay?” “Yeah, yeah, my lozenges just got grazed. I’m fine.” When I was in high school, I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody, no matter how hard I tried. Success. When you’ve having sex with somebody, you can say, “Yes” or “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.” But for some reason, you can’t say “Yep.” “Oh, yep, baby. Ooh! Yep. Yep, yep. Yep, yep! Yep, yep, yep! Indeed!” [plays harmonica] – [song ends] Thank you so much, everybody. – Thank you. – [cheering] Thanks. Thank you. [cheering] [soft rock music plays] [cheering, applause continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Colin Quinn: The New York Story (2016) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/colin-quinn-the-new-york-story-transcript/

[disco music playing] [horn blows] ♪ Young and pretty New York City girl ♪ ♪ Twenty-five, 35, hello, baby, New York City girl ♪ ♪ You grew up ridin’ the subways, running with people ♪ ♪ Up in Harlem, down on Broadway ♪ ♪ You’re no tramp, but you’re no lady ♪ ♪ Talkin’ that street talk ♪ ♪ You’re the heart and soul of New York City ♪ ♪ And love ♪ ♪ Love is just a passing word ♪ ♪ It’s the thought you had ♪ ♪ In a taxi cab that got left on the curb ♪ [music continues] [cheering] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, folks. Folks, thank you. Thank you. [music, applause continue] All right. Stop, folks. Stop! Stop it, folks. Folks. [cheering continues] Enough. I’m not kidding. I’ll stop the show. I’ll stop the show. [cheering continues] Folks, I’m not playing games. I’ll stop the show. Enough applause. If you want exuberance… This is a New York show. It’s not… Exuberance is the West Coast. That’s my whole point. Applause is killin’ this city. Understand me? The West Coast… Exuberant, enthusiastic people… That’s what they’re supposed to be, ’cause it’s paradise on earth. So they’re happy and enthusiastic, perpetually surprised by everything that goes on. Oh. “The mountains, the beach.” Ah. Everything they do, they’ve done it a hundred times. It’s like the first time. “You wanna go to the store?” “Yeah!” Midwest… Humble, hard workin’. They had to farm. So they got that personality. The South. Very hot. Very polite. Overly polite because, you know, could get a little violent if you’re not careful. I don’t know about you, but I got a concealed carry permit myself. New England, it’s like they’re always gettin’ hit by mist from the water. New York is New York. We’re what everybody says we are. Rude, opinionated, pushy, loud, fast-talking, sarcastic, wiseass. But what people don’t understand is, what’s rude to the rest of the country is polite to us and vice versa. Because, if I go to a pizza place, and like, “Gimme a slice.” – That’s polite. Because… – [laughter] you’re not tryin’ to hold the line. There’s a line. You’re not tryin’ to slow… If you go into a pizza place like, “Hi, how are you? You must be hot.” That’s rude. You know what I’m sayin’? There’s no stools. They want you to walk and eat your food. You have to fold your food and walk. I remember once, when I was little kid, we went to Maine. On, like, a family vacation to Maine. We go to the general store. I wanted to kill myself in five minutes. I was like… You walk in, the guy’s like, “Oh, haven’t seen you around.” Sir, who cares? Gimme my… What do you care? Give me my soda. “You… visiting?” “No, I live here. I’m just very shy. It’s my first day out of the house.” “You new in town?” “No, I’m the mayor. I just got elected actually.” But, um, yeah. New York, it’s always like somebody’s hurrying you somehow. It’s just a rushed kind of vibe. But the thing is it’s a pedestrian city too. It’s a city for walkers, not cars. That’s why you’ll notice every car acts like a person, and every person acts like a car. Pedestrians are in charge. They walk like they… You’ve seen it a hundred times. They walk in the street, the cars just stop. The driver’s like, “Ooh, I almost got hit by that person. That was close.” It’s just a rushed and hurried thing. Even as a kid, in church: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know. Come on. Hurry up.” Yeah, the New York personality, that’s us. So where… Why did the New York personality form? How did all these cultures come together to make the New York attitude? Well, first of all, you have to realize, all the people that came here came here ’cause they were miserable wherever they were. So now, you know, you got a city filled with miserable people, to begin with. The first people were Lenape Indians. The first people on Manhattan. That’s according to them. You’re takin’ their word, which is… You know, they said they were first, but what are you gonna do? Say, “We killed the people here before us”? Of course you’re gonna say you were the first. And, um… But let’s just assume they were the first people here. Already, they had an attitude to the other tribal people ’cause they had all the seafood. This was headquarters for all the seafood. All the waterways. Give ’em five bushels of clams, give us 40 cartons of American Spirits. You know… Give ’em some beads, but get outta here. Canarsies are like, “Don’t push me.” Canarsie Indians. And Ramapough comin’ in from Jersey on the weekend for some seafood. And… The Lenapes were kinda… They smoked. The only place to get tobacco in the whole world was North America. They invented smoking. Already a New York vibe. They’re smoking. Standin’ up there. Henry Hudson sees them standing there, lookin’ at him over the cliffs. Northern Manhattan. Lookin’ at him. Smokin’, shirtless. A little homoerotic. You’re not imagining that. It’s kind of like… Right away, it’s not a friendly… When you think of the Dutch comin’… The Dutch… pot, prostitution, Amsterdam. This is not those Dutch. This is, like, 1600s Dutch. Everywhere they go, they take it. And they show up with the navy, so it’s already not… When you showed up with the navy, that was a statement back then. ’Cause there’s only four navies in the whole world. And the Lenape Indians don’t have a navy. Their navies are a couple of strong swimmers, a couple of canoes. So when Holland’s like, “This is a beautiful place you got here.” “Oh. Here it comes. It’s not for sale. It’s not for sale.” “I didn’t say if it was for sale. I’m just sayin’ it’s beautiful. How about $26?” They’re like, “No.” “Twenty-five.” “The guy doesn’t understand… No.” “How about 24?” We better say yes. ’Cause it’s gonna get lower than 24 soon. The Dutch just took it. They branded in those… All those names are Dutch names. “Bronx” is a Dutch word. “Harlem,” Dutch word. “Bushwick,” Dutch word. “Brooklyn” is a Dutch word. “Stoop,” Dutch word. “Yankees” is a Dutch word. The word “fuck” is a Dutch word. I swear to God. So if you see anyone on a stoop in Brooklyn going, “Fucking Yankees,” they’re speaking Dutch. So. Now, you know… You know, it’s true. It’s true as anything. Right? Um… It’s New York. So now you got the smoking. You got people saying “fuck.” You’re starting to get a formation of a New York personality. The surface, you know. But still… But you still don’t have that attitude that we all… Everybody from New York thinks they’re better than everybody else. Everybody, we think we’re smarter. Not just rich people. Poor people, middle-class… This is the only city that has blue-collar snobs. You know. Take somebody, two years of high school, put ’em in a room with MIT professors, after an hour, you’re like, “What’d you think of them?” “They’re not New York. They don’t”… You know. “They’re… They’re educated. I give ’em that. You know. They’re smart, but they don’t get it. They got their head up their ass. No common sense, you know.” Yeah, we just think… We go on vacation. Everybody else goes on vacation to say, “Can you imagine if we lived here?” We go on vacation to tell people, “Can you imagine if you lived in New York?” What do you do? “Give me a slice of the pizza. That’s not New York pizza.” The guy’s like, “I know. It’s Italy.” “I don’t give a shit what it is. It’s not New York pizza.” “Gimme that bagel. That’s not a New York bagel. You don’t know… You have the wrong water.” We tell people they have the wrong water. It’s not like we live in Minnesota with beautiful lakes. It’s our water. We act like, “Oh, this is the water.” But you still don’t have the psychological… the attitude. The superior attitude that we all… That came from the British, you know. ’Cause the British showed up, and the British in those days, they showed up, it was theirs. Nobody even fought. They’re just, like, “You know the drill. It’s the British Empire.” They brought the real navy. They had the Royal Navy, the biggest navy in the world. Peter Stuyvesant is walkin’ around. Looks in the harbor one day. With his wooden leg, you know. He just turns to his Dutch friends and speaks in Dutch, “We’re fucked. You understand me?” I don’t know. And the British were like, “You can keep the names of the towns. They’re quaint. But lose the shoes.” They’re the British Empire. “Get rid of the windmills, please.” “What are you calling it, by the way?” “New Amsterdam.” ’Cause the Dutch named it after their most prized possession. Amsterdam is beautiful. The British rename it after the sixth shittiest city in Northern England. York was always a shithole. Like, we should have been named New London, right? But there already was a New London, Connecticut. But if you’ve been to New London, Connecticut, you realize they should be called New York, and we should be called New London. So the British ran it, like I said, all those Protestant churches in Lower Manhattan were Brit… And they just ruled, you know, British style. And they ran until… Revolutionary War, this was still British headquarters. Manhattan was British headquarters throughout the Revolutionary War. So all the… Nathan Hale hung to death on 66th Street and 3rd Avenue, where there’s now a Starbucks, of course, on the corner. That doesn’t say at all… That ruins the glamour of their death, you know, the martyr. “I regret I have but one life to lose for your reduced-fat raspberry scone and your caramel macchiato.” You know. So the British ran it. Finally, they’re out. Then it became the transshipment point. All kinds of stuff, but smaller groups of people. There was no main group until the Germans. Germans came in in the early 1800s, and they brought that German personality, which is still a part of us. First of all, they brought the delicatessen, which is a German word. And it’s the German personality that’s still here today, where the customer’s not always right. They yell at you. They hurry you. They bully you. Efficiency over humanity. “Come on. What do you want? While we’re young. Let’s go. What do you want? You don’t know? Get over there.” We’re still… We’re still the only city that has two lines. One’s for people that know what they want. One’s for people who don’t. And if you get on… If you get on the line that doesn’t know what they want, you never get back. It’s impossible. Yeah, and that German personality is still there. The abrupt, rude-polite. Where people, like, people from out of town… They ask directions. They’re smiling. You’re giving them information. “Excuse me. Where’s the museum?” “Excuse me. Where’s the subway?” People from New York accuse you of information. Like you owe them the information. They don’t say, “Excuse me,” just block you. “Where’d you get the ice cream?” You’re like, “Holy shit.” Then if you tell ’em, they want a review. “Over there.” “Is it good?” If you say it’s good, you have to leave, or they might come back. “Where’s that guy that said this was good?” Yeah, that abrupt, accusatory, Germanic, you know. But most of them left. There’s still some Germans… in Ridgewood, compulsively washing their stoops right now. For the most part, they moved to Pennsylvania, Ohio, ’cause they wanted order, symmetry. The city had no symmetry. All the streets are, like, on top… It was just back… It was… Shantytowns on top of sh… The water was so polluted, people had to drink grog. They couldn’t even drink water. Have to drink beer instead of water. Who’s gonna move there? The Irish. Yeah. Irish people. The Irish came and they brought the wiseass. When people say, “Why do you talk out of the side of your mouth?” That came from the Irish people. ’Cause that’s an Irish quality from trying not to get slapped in church, they talk out the side of their mouth. ’Cause we came here, and we were cynical to begin with. And we’re cynical we got here ’cause there’s no Statue of Liberty yet. There was never that poetic moment that the Italians and Jews had. The Italians came. They see New York City. They’re already cryin’, emotional. And then they look up, and welcoming them is a hundred-foot mother. You know? They’re like, “Oh, Mama.” – So… – [applause] They’re like… [speaks Italian] [mock Italian] The Jews were like, “Look at this. It’s beautiful. The quality’s not necessarily… It’s obviously copper. It’s not bronze. But, uh… They’re welcoming you. That’s the important thing. The message they’re trying to get across comes across.” Irish showed up. It was the same docks they just left. [Irish accent] “Look at this fuckin’… Streets are paved with gold? They’re paved with shite.” Yeah. We just did what every group did. We brought our history and put that onto it to make sense to us. So we brought it. We made it into parishes. ’Cause parishes make sense to us. And a parish is just, you know, a church, some Irish people and a bar. Basically. The bar and the church are very similar. There’s a lot of stained glass in both. A lot of kneeling going on. There used to be a lot of smoke. You’re waiting for the one person to tell you, “The mass has ended. Go in peace.” Or, “Hey, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” And, yeah, that’s what happened. The Irish showed up, went to the church. “What should we do, Father?” “You go to the bar. Tell them I sent you, and they’ll set you up with you a job.” That was Tammany Hall, basically, in a nutshell. The church was the Internet, bartender was the search engine and whatever web site he sent you to, that was your job. You didn’t turn it down. They were all Irish Catholic jobs of course. Because they’re like, “We need a thousand carpenters.” If you turned it down: “Are you too good to do what Joseph and Jesus did?” “No, okay. I’ll take it.” The fire department started in 1845. They said, “We need guys that are willing to run into flames and drag souls out of the torments of hell, and then sit around, 12 of you, and have supper together every night.” They’re like, “I’ve seen that picture my whole life. I’d love to do it.” The police department started the same time. They said, “We need you to find people, drag ’em to a small, dark room, smack ’em into confession… until they absolve themselves of punishment.” They’re like, “They did that to me my whole life. I’ll do that to people.” When people say, “Why were all the New York cops Irish?” ’Cause the police academy was Catholic school. Nobody likes to admit it, but a good cop should have the listening skills of a good bartender and the unpredictable violence of a nun. – Now… So… – [applause] The Irish… There’s still an Irish vibe. Like, you can tell when you compliment somebody from New York, the Irish influence. You’re like, “Nice haircut. They’re like, “Fuck you, what’s wrong with it?” You’re like, “No.” “I said it was nice.” “I know what you meant.” So the Irish ran New York for about 40 years. Then 1880, the Jews show up. [groans] And… I think it’s safe to say most of the Jews have not physically recovered from their boat trip. They’re still… Somethin’ about that boat. They’re still kind of seasick if you talk to them. It’s genetically passed down over the generations. A little nauseous. “How was the trip?” “It was hot. That’s how it was.” The Jews were the only immigrant group that wanted to be checked for tuberculosis at Ellis Island. Every other group’s like, “Don’t let ’em touch me with a stethoscope. They’ll send me home.” The Jews are like, “Excuse me. You missed this whole section. I’m wondering why. You’re supposed to be a doctor.” They love their doctor. They came and they worked the sweatshops when they came over. They had to work… All the sweatshops were all Jews. They were the earliest union organizers. They started all the unions. ’Cause I guarantee somebody must have said, ““We need volunteers to complain about conditions. Is there any…” Every hand shot up. “I was gonna do it anyway. Make it official.” And… The Jews don’t even consider it complaint. They’re just inquiring why you would do it that way when there might be an alternative. ’Cause they… They came here to not talk. Remember, they’re like, “Don’t talk.” The pogroms of Europe traumatized… But after a couple of months, it drove them crazy. “I just wanna ask one question. If they tell me to shut up, I’ll shut up.” And they looked around, you know. “We’re not gonna get civil servant jobs. The Irish have those locked down.” What about what doesn’t exist? What about those abandoned buildings? They saved their money from the sweatshops. Show up, Department of Buildings, Irish civil servant. Nobody’s asked him a question in 12 years. He loves his job. He’ll take a three-hour liquid lunch whenever he feels like it. Then, these two cultures never met. The Jewish guy’s like, “Excuse me. I’m wondering about… We want to buy the abandoned building.” He’s like, “That’s the city’s. It’s not for sale.” So, other people just walk away. Irish people are like, “Oh.” “Just curious. When you say that’s the city, is that you? Is there somebody I should talk to?” The Irish guy’s like, “Pushy bastard. Do you believe the pushy fuck?” Irish guy tries to scare him. “Trust me. You don’t want to deal with the city. Paperwork, inspectors, licenses, Department of Sanitation, Department of Health, permits.” He thinks he’s scaring the guy. He doesn’t realize he’s turning him on right now. The Jews aren’t scared of the paperwork. Everybody else: “Get the paperwork done quick. Just sign it.” The Jews are like, “Whoa, whoa. Don’t rush me on this paperwork. Now I am a little suspicious that you’re trying to get me past this paperwork. I want my nephew… He’s an accountant. I’d like him to look at it, too.” That’s what the Jews did. They came and they saw what didn’t… “What about that? What about the fish market? You wanna be partners? “If you don’t, tell me.” “I’ll be in.” “I’m doin’ it.” “What about the, uh, vaudeville? That’s puppet shows. It’s fine for cowboys in Montana. We’re supposed to be civilized people here.” You know. Cultural Center, Lincoln Center, Carnegie Hall, City Center, all Jews. Not just the people that started. I mean, look on the chairs. “Melvin Tannenbaum.” Even out here. The Michael and Lenore Schimmel Center. That’s where we are right now. “You know Lenore was like, “You said we were gonna do the thea…” “Okay, okay. I’ll do it.” And the audience is all Jews every night. Right now. The whole audience… No, wait. Wait. Once in a while, a couple of young Asians. Their cousin’s a cellist. Otherwise, the whole audience are Jews. So… They like the culture, the intelligen… The New York Times. Eskimos have 30 words for snow. Jews have twice that many for stupid. “Schmuck, schmo, schlub, schmendrick.” We could be here all day on the sch’s alone. And they brought that linguistic thing that we still speak to this day. All of us still speak that, uh, art of complaint. A minor inconvenience in apocalyptic terminology came from the Jews. Like, “How was traffic? Bad?” “Murder.” “How’s the line in there?” “A bloodbath. I’ll be honest with you.” “You look hungry.” “I’m starving to death.” “I’m dying of thirst right now.” “Are you uncomfortable?” “I’m in agony. I’m not uncomfortable.” So now you got this Irish and Jewish kind of vibe goin’ on. Then these Italians are comin’ ten years after that. They came like everybody else, where they’re like, “Hey, where you goin’ tomorrow?” “America.” “Really? What part?” “Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s called none of your fuckin’ business. ‘What part?’ Mind your business.” And… The Italians, they brought the volume. Because the Irish and Jews were still, in the house: “Get in here. I’m gonna fuckin’ talk to you.” The Italians, no. I’d be out playin’, my friend, Anthony… Little kids. His father would lean out the window. “Anthony. Get in. Dinner.” He’s like, “No, Dad.” “No?” Shut the window. We all knew what was gonna happen except for Anthony. He’d be playin’. You know. Every time. His father’d come out. “You wanna play? Let’s play. Let’s play for awhile.” Beat him down the block. Just beating him. Just knocking him into every car on the block. All the adults are watching. Nobody would do anything. There was no child abuse in those days. People would be like, “Hey, watch my antenna.” You know. “Watch the mirror.” Finally, Anthony’s laid out like Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull. [crying] His father starts cryin’. “Anthony, look what you made me do!” Anthony’s like, “I know, Dad.” “What are you doin’ to me?” Finally, kiss, hug, walk in. Make up. A mini opera just played out before your eyes. That’s the Italians. They’re operatic. It’s good or bad, high or low. There’s no in-between. There’s no, “The guy’s passive aggressive.” No. “He spit in my eye, basically.” You’re either the nicest or the worst. Either you’re the be… I always use whatever’s in the street as the example. “He’s the most honest… You see them ants eatin’ that bread? He wouldn’t take the bread from them if he was starvin’ to death. “’cause it belongs to them.” Or: “The biggest piece of shit. He’d step over his mother’s body for the love of a dollar. This fuckin’… ” And they always gotta have the cash out to show you… They’re very… No wallet. No credit card. Cash. “Fuck, this is what it is.” They looked at it like a Sicilian village. Like they invented their neighborhood. I mean, they respected the parish to a degree, I guess. But at some point, they try to make the priest a frontman for their bazaar. “Hey, Father, we’re havin’ a thing on Saturday down in the basement. We need some foldin’ chairs. But you don’t gotta be around. Leave him alone, stupid. He’s gotta get up Sunday mornin’. He needs to get to bed early. Here’s a few dollars for the collection. Take care.” Everything’s the collection plate. It’s a psychological thing with them because, you know… Milkman, give him a stick of butter. Twenty bucks. They’re not makin’ money off it. They’re losing money. Twenty bucks for a stick of butter. It’s some psychological thing. They consider it, like, “Take care of the guy.” Take care. It’s money, but it’s… Take care. Mailman, take care of him. But then you have to reciprocate. So, if the mailman takes the 20, then he has to treat you a little special. He can’t throw your mail in the puddle like every other jerk-off on the block. He’ll ring the bell. “I took care of your letters.” “Thank you.” Know what I mean? ’Cause if he doesn’t do that, then… enemy for life. Then, that’s it. Thirty years he can work. They’re like, “There’s that mailman. See how he likes deliverin’ letters with broken fingers, this fuckin’ mailman.” Never forgive. That’s it. For the rest of your… Guy’s lived on the block 40 years. “Hey. Hear the guy across the street died.” “Yeah, he’s the one that stepped on my wife’s foot. What goes around comes around. Drunken Irish bastard that he was.” “Hear the guy on the corner passed. He suffered.” “He’s the one who used to comb his hair in the meat market. Let him rot.” Yeah, always vendetta. They like the vendetta. When there’s nobody to fight, they turn on the son. The son’s too big to fight now. He’s grown up. He can’t fight him. They’re heckling him, still trying to embarrass him in front of the block. Kid’s out washin’ the car. He’s like, “Look at him, washin’ the car. Can’t even wash his own ass yet, this fuckin’ ciuccio. You missed the right rear hubcap, you fuckin’ meatball. Look at this kid. Wash the car, fuckin’ jamoke over here. Fuckin’ ciuccio. Half a momo I got for a son.” “Half a momo.” Which, I still… I still don’t know what that is. Half a momo… If it’s half a mamaluke, which is an idiot. Or half a homosexual, or some combination of a… It doesn’t even matter. ‘Cause the insult… The fraction is the insult. That… It’s whatever they say about you, I’m sayin’ you’re half of that. How do you like that? They’re scared of shit that doesn’t scare other people, not scared of shit that… Come to the block beat up. “Get the bats. We’re goin’ there now. Everybody get the bats, ’cause we’re going.” By the way, notice: “Get the bats.” Not, “Get some bats,” or, “Do you have any bats around?” The bats. They’re already pre-positioned, under the stoop. One’s behind the door. One’s under the tree. On the curb. Back of the guy’s trunk. But they don’t like new things. Like when ’70s yogurt started. “Hey, try this.” “What is that? What is that?” “No, it’s yogurt.” “Is it all right? Get the fuck out. Fuckin’ yogurts. Fuckin’ sick bastard.” Yeah. When they like you, you know they like you. They kiss you, hug you, smack you in the face. Punch you in the stomach. When they don’t like you, they don’t touch you. They touch themselves. Right down the body. “He thinks… Let’s see what’s goin’ on. I don’t say nothin’ to nobody. [mutters] Che palle.” The balls on the fuckin’… [imitates spitting] That was always the period. [spits] When they spit. Oh, they came, just about 1930. Then the Puerto Ricans came and brought the pace. When I was a kid, I thought Puerto Ricans were just speaking Spanish because they speak so quickly. But when you get to know Puerto Ricans, you realize they don’t speak Spanish. They only speak English… with a Spanish accent very quickly. That’s New Yorican. And they understand Spanish ’cause their parents speak it. But they don’t speak a word of it, but… The Puerto Ricans came. In those days, a Puerto Rican building on the corner… Now, people would be horrified. We used to give directions based on ethnicity. Make a lef… Irish bar, the Greeks, the Chinese laundry. The Puerto Rican building on the corner. Now people go, “Whoa. How do you know it’s a Puerto Rican building?” “There are Puerto Ricans outside.” They say… They say, “What if they’re not outside?” “Don’t worry. They’re gonna be outside.” The Puerto Ricans… They brought the kind of communal food festival, kind of outside, inside, no real distinction. Outside, inside. The TV’s in the windowsill. It’s half inside, half outside. The old lady’s leaning. Half her body’s there. The music’s inside, but it’s blasting outside. They’re pulling a chair down on the rope for the uncle to sit on outside. The ironing board’s inside. It comes out. Now it’s a card table. There’s a fluidity. All together all the time. Just social. Everybody. Multigenerational. Little kids. Old people. Everybody hangs out together. I never saw one Puerto Rican. Just everybody together. Goin’ up to the… They’re goin’ up to the park like a carnival atmosphere. They got the radio, the grill. They got ice and chicken on sticks. The bandanas and the flags and the little kids dancing. The old lady is dancin’. They got the mix of Catholicism and sexuality. A lot of cleavage with a lot of crosses. They got the little girl in the Communion dress holdin’ hands with the aunt in the halter top. The cousin’s driving next to them. Six saints on the dashboard, decal of a naked woman, right next to each other. The door’s half open. He’s half inside, half outside driving. Yeah. It’s all a continuity with them, know what I mean? You go to their house. You think you’re there as a guest for a party. They put you to work. They give you assignments. “Good. You’re here early. Check the stove. Then… go see what’s wrong with Grandpa. He won’t leave the room. We can’t get him out of the room. Then walk the most frightening dog you’ve ever met in your life. Then change the baby. Change the baby.” Always the baby. Change the baby. The baby… Always baby… “She’s pregnant. “Her face is gettin’ fat. I think her cheeks…” People walk by. They’re like sonograms. “Look, that’s a boy. She’s carryin’ high.” They heckle you if you have one kid. “Where’s her brothers? Her sisters? I don’t understand what’s goin’ on.” The baby’s the star of the family. By the time you’re eight, in the Puerto Rican family, you’re washed up. It’s over. Eighth birthday, you’re like, “Hey, happy birthday. Okay. Change the baby.” It’s the circle of life. Then the black people came back in the 1950s. There were black people at the time in Harlem, believe it or not. There used to be black people in Harlem. And… I know it’s a shock. Listen to me. 1950s, black people came from down South. Called the Great Migration. Came from down South. So the black kids, we’d meet ’em early ’60s. And you could tell right away they had a New York attitude. First of all, they would talk back to the adults. They would talk to the adults like they were the same age. Store owner’d be chasing us. He’s like, “I’ll tell your mother.” We’re like, “Oh, shit. Tell my mother?” Black girl’s like, “Tell my mother. I don’t care. Get my mother here.” Talk back to the cops. The cops would talk like black kids. And the black kids would talk like cops. They’d reverse. All the cops, it’s, like, the late six… ’71. Like, “Oh, slick. My man, come here. I wanna talk to you. That’s right. I’m not jivin’ you.” All the black kids spoke police procedural. “Nah, that’s a class-D misdemeanor. He ain’t gonna get out of the car. That’s a 522. Nah. No, that’s a Fugitive Task Force. See his insignia?” When it’s cold… “That’s the lieutenant. He don’t get out. He make the sergeant go out. It’s too cold. Yo, Sarge. They’re making you get out.” And, um, talk back to the teachers? We go to class. Black girls come into class. Eatin’ SweeTarts, six kinds of candy, like they’re at the movies. They come in with candy. They’re talkin’. Teacher’s like, “Sit down, Josephine. Be quiet.” “Lincoln freed the slaves. Don’t tell me to sit down. I wasn’t talkin’ anyway. I was done talkin’. I was tryin’ to listen.” The black guys come in five minutes late. The black guys come… When I came in late for class, I’d adopt a posture of penance. Like, “I know I’m late.” I don’t wanna get called out. Black guys come in like the Medicis comin’ to check on Michelangelo’s progress. Lookin’ around like… No books, just a No. 2 pencil in the Afro, like, you know… If there’s a test, break it out, borrow a piece of paper. Heckling each other. They can’t let one physical flaw go uncommented upon. They walk into class heckling. “Yo, he got old lady ears.” You know. “She got a varicose neck right there.” “Your glasses is fogged. Better clean off your glasses.” “He live in the back of the hardware store, come in smellin’ like cut keys.” “Yo, your book bag is dusty. His book bag. Get it off the floor.” “He wear the same shirt every Tuesday. That’s your Tuesday shirt, right?” Then the teacher’d go, “Sit down, Antoine.” “Tell him to stop wearin’ the same shirt, and I’ll sit down. Shit.” Then they’d put themselves in whatever the teacher was talkin’ about. Sit there, like, “Shit, if I was Tesla, I’d beat Thomas Edison’s ass if he steal my idea.” Then the girl leader would shut… It would be, “Be quiet.” “Don’t tell me to be quiet, bitch.” In those days, they’re fightin’ words. “My brother’s gonna wait outside and fuck you up at 3:00.” And here’s the thing. Her brother didn’t go to the school. There’s no cell phone. You couldn’t text anybody. Somehow, at 3:00, her brother’d be outside waitin’. With, like, a… The kid with muscles over a dashiki. So he was a badass. But that girl was, like, the leader. She’d get ’em all quiet. “Shut up! Let the teacher teach. Go ahead, teacher. Teach.” She was just over it all, like… Unless the teacher said something they didn’t like. They’d all hiss. “Then we became the land of the free.” “Sss, land of the free.” Yeah. So that’s the original… The people I was talking about till 1965. Black, Puerto Rican, Italian, Jewish, I… Like, that’s the original New York personality till 1965, whatever. And it’s opinionated, loud, pushy, cynical, fast, you know… And, of course, politically incorrect. In those days, people spoke ethnically. A little, you know… Obviously, it’s better today. There’s a lot less racial tension now. – [loud laughter] – But, what I’m saying… In those days, the first thing people said was racial. The first question they’d ask you… “What are you?” And you’d have to answer. They’d ask your ethnicity first. Forget about avoiding… Now, try to get a white person to say “black.” “What race was he?” They’re like, “Oh, God. Oh, shit.” This is bad. This is bad. This is bad, huh? In those days people would go, “What are you?” You could only be four things at that time. Black, white, Puerto Rican or Chinese. That was it. If you tried to be something else, people would dismiss it. You’re like, “Well, I’m half Honduran and half Filipino.” “You can be Puerto Rican or Chinese. So make a decision.” In those days, first of all, prejudice and racist, two different things. Racist, systemic. Prejudice, individual. Some people would be prejudiced, but systemically, they were fair. The store owner would be, “Hey, wait your turn. You’re not next. Get in the back of the line. The colored lady was next.” So… Individually, he was prejudiced. Systemically, he was fair. We had the black bus driver, hated white people. And, like I say, New York characters, the point of those New York characters, is that most of them are prejudiced. That’s part of the charm… Nice people are very nice people. Sincere, like I said. They’re supposed to be sincere. Boring. Not the most exciting people you’re ever gonna meet. You gotta have a little bit of a crummy at… We had a black bus driver, hated white kids. We rode public busses to school. Sometimes you’d get him. You were excited. Everybody on the bus liked it ’cause it was a little bit of a story instead of the usual nice driver: “Hi, come on on.” I’d get on, try to make my friends laugh, pretend I couldn’t find my bus pass. “Sir, I know I have it here somewhere.” “You better have it. You ain’t gettin’ on this goddamn bus without it. You white people run this country. You don’t run this bus, unfortunately for you. I know you think you do, but you don’t.” I’m like, “Sir, it’s here.” “You little cracker, I know what you’re doin’. I recognize you.” “Sir, it’s here.” “You goddamn devil. Get in the back of the bus.” And he’d be yelling, “White devils! I know what you do!” Everyone’s like, “Whoa.” Laughin’. It wasn’t a commission-forming moment back then. But now, even nonethnic thing… People are very touchy. The New York characters. The obnoxious fan at the game. You can tell they’re influenced by society now. “Hey, ump! You’re crazy! No offense to anyone with mental illness in their family, obviously. Obviously, it’s a serious issue. We need more funding for research. Hey, ump! Why isn’t there more funding for research for mental illness?” Cranky old ladies. “Turn that music down, you little bastards. Unless it’s a legitimate form of social protest, in which case, I understand.” The construction workers… girls walk by. Now they’re like, “Whoa. Look at that strong, independent woman.” Nah. I know girls are like, “Bullshit. They still harass us.” Okay, fine, ladies. Yeah, because all those pe… It’s also the Internet, obviously, took away a lot of New York characters. Because, like, Yelp, perfect example. Yelp was a person. Now you read: “I didn’t like this place.” In those days, you wanted to find out if the deli was good, some guy was human Yelp. He’d come in. “Gimme a sandwich. Whoa. He’s not makin’ my sandwich anymore. This kid, he’s stingy with the relish. This little… You make it.” Like he’s givin’ the guy a treat. “You make it from now on.” Directions, you know. Now you got Google Maps, Waze. Five… It’s dispassionate. “Make a left. Go 500 feet.” “Stop. Make a U-turn.” “Congratulations, you’ve reached your destination.” In the old days, you had to find directions guy. Every couple of blocks, there was a guy, pretty effective, be out there. Miserable. Didn’t get along with his wife. So he was always standing outside, waiting… for somebody. You pull up. “Hey, this guy looks like he knows where he”… “Where you tryin’ to get to?” He had to shame you. Part of the ritual. You’re like, “The Van Wyck.” “The Van Wyck?” “How’d you get here if you’re tryin’ to get to the Van Wyck?” You can’t even answer that question. He starts tellin’ other people. “This guy’s tryin’ to get to the Van Wyck.” This guy’s not helpful. “Where’s he comin’ from?” What does that have to do with it? “The Van Wyck.” The whole block’s embarrassed. Then he starts grandstanding ’cause he’s got you now. The kids are in the back. “You kids okay with this guy drivin’?” Shut up. And, yeah. The difference was, like I said, negativity. That’s what makes humorous characters. New York was supposed to be a negative town. A city of misery and complaint. That’s the whole point. And the positive people were the psychopaths back then. ’Cause they just came out of some program. You’d see them on the streets. “How you doin’?” “I’m doin’ great. How are you?” I should’ve crossed the street. I forgot this… “I heard your girlfriend left you.” “Blessing in disguise.” [groans] “Heard you lost your job.” “Best thing that ever happened to me.” Oh, Jesus. Now people try to be positive. I see them all the time. They come, move here. My building… Guys get in the elevator, fuckin’ lacrosse equipment. “What’s up, man?” “Nothin’.” “So what’s goin’ on?” “Same thing that’s up, coincidentally. Nothing.” This guy goes to me the other day, I swear to God, in New York City… It was sunny. “How much are you lovin’ this sun?” “Not as much as you are apparently, ’cause… you seem to be loving it like an Aztec priest after an eclipse. Calm down.” I’ve seen the sun, like, 2,000 times. I’m over it. I’ll be honest with you. I got it when I was young. The sun. The only thing that does create New Yorkers out of all the people that move here, thank God for the true misery creator, right here, this makes… You take… if you can’t see it. This… takes nice, Midwestern girls, peppy, life coach, motivational speaker personalities… Nine months, you’re walkin’, that hits your hips, like eight times a… Like six times a month, you’re like, “Shit. Oh, yeah. I’m rat in a rat race. I forgot.” ’Cause you can take the nicest girls. They’re all chirpy, happy. After nine months on that subway… One day, you’re on the subway, they’re on the subway, you hear the announcement. “Sorry for the delay. Someone jumped on the tracks and killed themselves.” And they’re like, “You gotta be shittin’ me right now. What the hell?” ’Cause it’s ugly. That turnstile… First of all, no one ever lets you in. They’re off the train. They don’t need to hurry, and they still won’t let you go in when you’re tryin’ to catch the train. You have to wait for somebody whose eyes look weak and vulnerable enough. You have to make ’em… Some middle-aged Canadian tourist lady, and you’re like… [grunts] Yeah. That’s not nice. She’s like, “Sorry. Oh, my God.” Yeah, you’re sorry. And you go down to the train. The train closes in your face. I hate… The train close… Movin’ away. People just look at you. They don’t even look like, “Sorry.” They just look at you like… Or if you’re on the local and the express is there, and it just pulls away. Instead of waiting the extra 30 seconds till people can get off. Come on. Unless I’m on the express. Then I’m like, “Let’s go! Quick, before… ” You hope the conductor doesn’t see the local comin’ for some reason. Like, “Eh, let’s go.” Yeah, ’cause I think I’m better than people if I’m on the express. I think I’m better than the people on… I mean, literally, they walk across the platform tryin’ to catch… They look like suckers, like this. Fuckin’ idiots. [grunts] Pleading eyes. Weak. And the subway in the old days, it was so psychotic. There was more of a bond. It was more of a community. Like, no guy would ever sit if a woman was standing. ’Cause, you know. The guy could be 103 years old, just got out of the emergency room, still got the hospital bracelet on. Female Olympic athlete. Everybody’s like, “Get up. Give her your seat.” Now, guys, because of the iPad, they can pretend they don’t see. Got the headphones, sitting there. A woman’s nine months pregnant. The fetus is kickin’ me in the forehead. He’s like, “I didn’t feel it.” “You don’t feel that, you son of a bitch?” Here’s the difference. The subway now… There are poems on the subway. The MTA puts up “the darling buds of May.” “The city awakens from its slumber of winter.” In those days, the MTA put up signs all over. Saw them a hundred times. “Remember, it’s chain-snatching season. So… So tuck your jewelry into your clothing and turn your rings around so the stones don’t show.” That’s the mentality. It wasn’t: “It’s chain-snatching season, so if you see something, yell for a transit cop, the conductor.” No. It’s: “It’s chain-snatching season. Somebody’s about to get robbed. Make it not be you. Better them than you. Tuck your shit in so it’s not you. It’s gonna happen, but it might not happen to you if you tuck shit.” The subway was so bad, people would blame you if you got jumped. You’d come back, cut. “I got jumped on the subway.” “What happened?” “I was on the last car.” “Last car? You deserved what you got.” Only an idiot would go on the last car. Even the transit cops wouldn’t go on the last car. They’d be like, “Is that the last car? I’m not going in.” The whole city had, like, this other vibe. All the things you say now, the associations then were… A talk show host would be like, “I was in Central Park.” Everybody would be like, “Oh-ho.” That was a joke that you got mugged. Not at night. Like, anytime. Central Park. If you told somebody, “I saw your mother on 42nd Street,” they would physically try to kill you. That was the biggest insult you could say. “Your mother was on 42nd Street.” People would fight all the time over that. Now, they’d be like, “Yeah. She works”… The New York Times building is there. They got the Graduate Center. She’s doin’ something with Playwrights Horizons. I don’t know. Times Square was freakin’… Times Square, you’d get off the train. Port Authority, walk outside. The pimps would be lined up like Citi Bikes. They’d be lined up where the Citi Bikes are now. All of them just standing there. A couple of empty slots. 42nd Street was porno, drug dealers, and then, like, 20 shirtless guys with nunchakus. ’Cause there were five martial arts stores on 42nd Street. Guys standing’ there swingin’ nunchakus. Everybody’s just watchin’. People go to a play. Nobody went out to dinner after the theater in New York. Nobody stayed in Times Square. People wouldn’t even applaud. They’re like, “That’s the end of the show. Let’s go. Come on.” Yeah, it was psychotic. I mean, people started to accommodate criminals. People told you, “Bring 20 bucks with you.” “Why? What if I get jumped?” Because the mugger started to know. “People aren’t gonna bring money? We’ll kill a few people.” They started killin’ people for havin’ no money. So you’d bring mugger money. That’s what they’d call it. The muggers knew about it too. “Gimme your money.” “I left my wallet home.” “You got your mugger money, right?” “Of course I do.” I mean, I’m not… Yeah, people started writing notes to the car thieves. You’re writing “no radio” and putting it in the car. I’m not sayin’ one day. I’m sayin’ the whole city did for 20 years. “No radio.” “Who’s that for?” “The car thief.” I corres… Puttin’ correspondence with the car thief. Could have had their own stationery. Would’ve made a lot of money. The car thieves would read it. They’d be like, “Come on, man. It says ‘no radio.’ Can’t you read? Let’s go” The city was a hellhole, but it seemed more authentic. The people were more down to earth. Like, the difference between Mayor de Blasio and Mayor Koch. Two mayors of New York. Mayor de Blasio gets up there. And just… “We need crucial, critical, fundamental steps to remedy and measures to address some “of the challenges and the obstacles that we face.” Once in a while, he’ll throw a little New York thing in. “As we New Yorkers say, ‘Forget about it.’” [groans] Koch was always in a wrinkled shirt. He just got out of… He’d be at the Kew Gardens Senior Center. You know. Some old lady’s yelling at him. “You promised us last year there’d be a stoplight on Parsons Boulevard. Well, I haven’t seen anything.” He’d just start yelling at you. “Lady, you oughta get your head examined.” “You have a screw loose. There’s no money. You’re not getting that. You wanna cross Parsons Boulevard? Run. I’m running across right now to get the hell outta here.” He had no bodyguards. Just get on the E train by himself. “These ladies make me sick. I’ll never go back to Kew Gardens again.” Yeah. The New York personality. The cynical, opinionated, brutal, loud… You’d think it was gone. No. That’s the only immigrants that make it here, if you’ll notice, are the ones that have all those qualities. They’re not, “Hey, tired, poor.” They got a shit attitude. That’s how you make it. Starting with the Greeks. They came in the ’60s. Rude-polite, that’s what they do. They were rude-po… Turnover. Their whole business in their diners was turnover. So they’re welcoming you in, but kicking you out at the same time. They’re like, “My friend, I love it. I know. Eggs, bacon, home fries. You like the French fries better. Give him the home fries. Give him the check. “Come on, let’s get him out of here. The fuck outta… Come on. Kick him.” They loom over the stool. Send him to the cashier. They always blame the cashier. She’s the only non-Greek in the place. She’d have the bouffant hairdo and the cat glasses. You know. You think she’s just some old lady. She was an Instagram star today back in the ’50s. Like a real hottie. Like a Miss Subways runner-up. The hand job queen of Ebbets Field or some shit. She went to high school with everybody from… the real goodfellas. She’s like, “Yeah, they were cowards. My boyfriend beat the shit outta half of those guys.” You can’t be nice and last in the city. I witnessed it. Haitians and Jamaicans got to New York in the early ’70s. Right away they had to be tough. The Haitians, first of all, they were fearless. They weren’t tough, just fearless. Nobody could hit them harder than their father. Their father would come up to school and beat them in the middle of class. [Haitian accent] “Who are you to disrespect these teachers?” They weren’t scared of any kids. They’d just quote the New Testament. ““By scribe and Pharisee, you do not intimidate.” The Jamaicans would quote the Old Testament. [Jamaican accent] “Abraham and Jacob.” And Jamaicans… Fun historical fact. Jamaicans were the first black guys it was socially acceptable for white girls to date. Before it was okay to date black Americans, I heard it all the time: “She’s goin’ out with a black guy.” “He’s Jamaican.” “Oh.” I don’t know why. Pot. Bob Marley. I don’t know, folks. I just report it. Then, um… the Chinese and Koreans came. Notice, the Japanese had to go to Fort Lee. They couldn’t stay in the city. ’Cause they were polite, tryin’ to be friendly. Chinese are not on a charm offensive, to put it mildly. First of all, they kept the Lenape Indian’s cigarette thing going. When the rest of the city abandoned smoking… You go to any one of the four Chinatowns in New York, it’s like they never heard of Mayor Bloomberg. “Yeah. There was Giuliani and then this guy de Blasio.” “There was a guy in the middle.” “Don’t worry about it.” Not friendly. They’re workaholics. Workaholics aren’t frie… Koreans. They tried to make Koreans… Remember in the ’90s? Koreans are unfriendly. They gotta be friendly. They tried. They had classes to try to be friendly. But it’s just not what they do. They try. “Hot enough for y… I can’t do this. I can’t. I got four hand trucks to unload.” They just wanna work the whole time. No one’s ever leaning at the Korean deli. Nobody’s ever leaning. You got a 40-year-old guy stocking the shelves. Twelve-year-old girl’s working the register doin’ her homework. The 100-year-old grandfather sittin’ on a crate, pickin’ snow peas at 2:00 in the mornin’ by himself. Once in a while the manager… here’s the vacation… after a 20-hour shift, walks out and leans on his own body weight for ten seconds. Then they’re like, “Break’s over.” “I know.” The only friendly thing they did, they brought flowers. There were no flowers at the bodegas before… The Koreans just showed up with flowers in the ’80s. They must’ve thought that was enough. But they don’t go near them. They make the Mexican guy guard them. Mexicans do every job nobody else will. Even among the immigrants, I’m sayin’. Like, all the immigrants make fun of how lazy we are as Americans. Like, “Oh, I hurt my foot. I need a vacation. I’m American.” Mexicans make fun of how lazy the other immigrants are. That’s how much they work. They’re like, “I only put 18 hours in. I’m Korean.” Dominicans. Dominicans came over. First of all, Dominicans came over 1980, ’81. They had the Puerto Ricans goin’, “Who are these people blasting music, staying up all night? I’m tryin’ to sleep. I like a party. A party’s a party. There’s a time and a place for a party. And they’re speaking Spanish. I understand it, but I don’t speak it.” The Dominicans, they made themselves right at home when they came here. Because the first non-Lenape Indian… The first immigrant resident of Manhattan was a Dominican, a Dominican trader named Juan Rodriguez. That’s a true thing. Some trader who’s like, [Dominican accent] “I come to trade. You don’t wanna trade. I don’t wanna argue with you, but I came here. I bring sugar. And you wanna hand me… I don’t want beads. I go home and then… They’re gonna think it’s gang-related. I don’t fuck around.” Some Dominican, he was the first Manhattan resident, basically, except for the Lenape Indians, was a Dominican trader. Russia… How do you think Russians lasted here? They’re more sarcastic than all of us. You ever try to small talk a Russian? I’m at the Sheep’s Head Bay train station. Beautiful Russian girl. “Boy, this train is late.” “Yes, and mindless chatter will not accelerate.” Yeah. Albanians? Albanians, big part of New York. I’m not even gonna say anything about Albanians. And that should say everything you need to know about Albanians. You know. East Indians? East Indians. Friendly everywhere else. New York? They had to learn how to fight. And I’m saying… They fight. They’ll never raise their voice. But they always gotta get the last word. The guy’s outta the store. The trouble’s over. They gotta get a shot. It brings them back. The guy’s drunk. He’s like, “Fuck you, Bin Laden.” He’s like, “Okay, sir. Go and smoke crack. I don’t know where you’re gonna… ” The guy’s like, “What did you just fuckin’ say to me?” “Nothing, sir. Please leave. I don’t want trouble.” “Just shut up.” “All right. You are uneducated person. I understand. Even you go in jail, your family happy and relieved too.” Arabs. When I was growing up, there were a lot of Arab candy store, grocery stores in Park Slope. And all the Arab stores… Even as kids, we knew, don’t rob the Arab store unless you absolutely… The other stores banned you or something. All the other stores, you run out with the candy. You shopli… The owner runs three feet. He’s out of breath. “I’m callin’ the cops.” Arab guy… First, you go in the store, there was never anybody else in there. It’s always deserted. He’s 130 pounds, lookin’ at you. And then he realizes, these kids aren’t buyin’ anything. They’re here to shoplift. You see a look come over his face. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t anger. It was, like, calm. Just like, “I see. Now, my destiny is this.” Usually, I’d chicken out right then. Once in a while you’re like, “Aw, screw that,” and run. He starts chasing you. You turn around two blocks later, still chasin’. You drop the candy. He doesn’t stop for his own candy. ’Cause now it’s not even about that. It’s about a principle. You know, like a… Code of Hammurabi. Like, his store… It’s like eye for an eye. Tooth for a Three Musketeers bar. You know. But that was the beauty of New York was… It still is. You can go into a store, you’re in another country. You walk in. The guy’s Pakistani, got a beard down to here. In the back, the uncle. Everyone’s sittin’ on crates playin’ a card game that was outlawed during the Crimean War or some shit. You know? And, gettin’ a cab… Before stupid Taxi TV… Every time I’d go in a cab, you’re in a different country. The guy’s, like, on the phone to Senegal. There’s some music playin’ from Central African Republic. There’s a little amulet from, like, his village when he left. They’re like, “Good luck.” It’s a big deal. It’s a drama… To him… Like, you see him, he’s livin’, like, five people sleeping in shifts. But he goes home once a year, Senegal. He’s like LeBron when he went back to Cleveland. He’s the star of the village. They’re like, “I told you he was gonna come back. You said he wasn’t, see?” The amazing thing is everybody from every country packed in a little city. One-hundred-sixty languages in Queens alone. But you’re not supposed to mention ethnicity of course. That’s the other problem. You just have to vaguely look around and golf clap. If you see something, you’re not supposed to have a reaction to it. Even if it’s another culture and it shocks you at the beginning. Forgive me. If I’m walking on Roosevelt Avenue, and I see a couple of Ecuadorean guys in cowboy boots, carryin’ 50 slaughtered guinea pigs on Sixth… I’ve seen it. Like Apocalypse Now. Just all these skulls of guinea pigs. I reel back, almost knock over the guy on his prayer mat, doing his call to Mecca next to the food cart. If I go, “Oh, my God,” a well-intentioned white person scurries over to explain cultural relativity to me. “You know… hillbillies also cure their food, and they’re hyper-religious. I don’t know if you realize. So you shouldn’t say”… I’m like, “Thank you. Where once I was blind, now I can see. Thank you. “Until you came along, I don’t know what…” Because they want, you know, everything to be authentic, artisanal, vinyl, but when it comes to ethnicity, go generic-speak at all times. I was in Brooklyn once. This kid got mad at me. He’s like, “You see somebody pass here?” “What’d he look like?” “What’d he look like? He had a green shirt, a brown tie, blue jacket.” “What color was he?” “I don’t see color, all right?” I mean, if you don’t want to see color, go to Brooklyn. It’s 100% white now. When did that happen? I mean… Brooklyn’s so white, they have Black Lives Matter protests, half the protesters are white, in Brooklyn. I’ve seen white kids yelling, “Black lives matter,” at black cops. And they’re tryin’ to… They’re tryin’ to say… They’re tryin’ to say, “I’m tryin’ to protect you from yourself.” I go on the L… When I was a kid, L train… Wouldn’t go near the L train. You couldn’t catch me on the L train. You know… I go on the L train now, 2:00 in the morning, it looks like a ski lift. Kids with iPads out. IPads, cell phones. Like, $400, in their hands. When I was growing up, any train, immediately, your money in your underwear, your bus pass in your… Now, they’re sittin’ there, $400 basically. A train full of kids. And you know there’s gotta be one guy who was in jail since 1979. Just got out. He’s on the L train goin’ to stay at his mother’s. And he was, like, the hardcore gangbanger. He’s, like, the guy that killed Mike Tyson’s pigeons. He’s just half asleep and wakes up and sees a car full of white kids holding $400 in their hand. He probably just starts crying. “This is all I ever wanted when I was a… I had to go to the Upper East Side to find white people.” In those days, there were no blond people. The only blond people were… Greenpoint was all Polish. But nobody ever saw it. You just heard about this place called Greenpoint. Nobody would be on the G train. That was like, “What are you doin’? G train?” It’s packed now. In those days, it was deserted. And Polish people, who also contributed a lot… They were big immigrants. They contributed a lot to New York. I didn’t talk about them. In those days, people would make Polish jokes. Talk about stereotype. They used to say Polish people are stupid. That was the big joke. Polish people are stupid. Cruel. And why? There’s not even a reason for it. Why? Because they said, “We want to live in the neighborhood that’s so close you can almost touch Manhattan, but by train it takes two and a half hours?” I don’t know. I’m sure they have their reasons. They have their reasons, folks. It’s not for us to say why they did. They have their thing. I’ll tell you a Polish joke right now. It won’t be the same, but it’ll still be funny. Times change. You wanna be sensitive. Here’s the Polish joke. A Polish guy… See right away, even that seems tone-deaf to me. No because there’s gotta be a guy in the joke. Like, a Polish guy… Could be a girl. Let’s say it’s a girl. A Polish girl. A Polish girl. Hey. Hey. Let’s open it up for that matter. A Polish member of the LGBTQ community. A Polish member of the LGBTQ. No. I tell you what. We’ll bring it back. This’ll cover… A Polish guy, but he self-identifies as a Polish girl. All right? Forget it. We’ll start… A person of Polish extraction. It has nothin’ to do with the punch line anyway. If I have to rely on that for the punch line, where’s the… A person of Polish… And when I say Polish, obviously, it’s a little reductive to the rest of Eastern Europe to say Polish. No, because Eastern Europe, there’s a… I don’t want to marginalize the rest of Eastern Europe. ’Cause that’s punching down. And comedy never punches down. It only punches up. I’ve read that from 50 people that never did comedy. They all said… [laughter] What? All right. Listen. Here’s the joke. I’m not telling this again, but you can tell this on the way home. A featureless, colorless, nonsectarian… non-gender specific… person… of indeterminate origin… walks into a bar. Um… When you’re careful and nice and sincere, that’s fine. It’s not funny. Funny. New York was clumsy. New York’s, like, the city… It’s just reckless. It’s impulsive. It’s accidental. The whole city is an accident. This whole city was an accident. It wasn’t even supposed to… Henry Hudson, the explorer that started this whole… He was on his way to China. He was tryin’ to find China. I swear to God. He got lost. He’s comin’ down the river. Here’s the Lenapes lookin’ at him. “What’s this?” He comes over. They’re like, “What’s up?” He’s like, “I’m lost. I don’t know where I’m goin’.” “You’re lost? Where you tryin’ to go?” He goes… He goes, “China.” “You’re tryin’ to go to China.” [laughter] [applause] [rock music playing] ♪ To the left and to the right, buildings towering to the sky ♪ ♪ It’s outta sight ♪ Thank you. Thank you.  ♪ In the dead of night ♪ Good night, guys. ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Here I am, and in this city ♪ Thank you. [murmurs] ♪ With a fistful of dollars ♪ ♪ And, baby, you’d better believe ♪ ♪ I’m back, back in the New York groove ♪ Thank you. ♪ I’m back, back in the New York groove ♪ Good night. Thank you, upstairs. Thank you. Thank you. ‘Night, guys. ♪ I’m back, back in the New York groove ♪ Thank you, folks. ♪ Back in the New York groove ♪ ♪ In the New York groove ♪ ♪ In the back of my Cadillac ♪ ♪ A wicked lady, sittin’ by my side, sayin’ “Where are we?” ♪ ♪ Stopped at Third and 43, exit to the night ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Eddie Murphy: Raw (1987) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-murphy-raw-transcript/

After achieving fame with Saturday Night Live and Beverly Hills Cop, Eddie Murphy released a film version of one of his live stand-up performances. He mainly focuses on the topics of divorce and relations between the sexes, but also goes into some of the problems he’s encountered because of fame, including offended listeners and fans who continually greet him with his unprintable catch phrases.   – Show me that little dance you-all be doing. – I told y’all to stop running in here. Yes, ma’am. I’m gonna smack one of you now, you hear? Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear? See that chocolate cake I bought? The chocolate cake that was on the counter? – Yeah. – Well, check Cousin Cecil’s pockets. He probably got it in there with the turkey leg and the sweet potato pie. Hey, little brother. Show me that little dance y’all be doing. Get down, Lester, you is talking! You move like you’re 21 . That dance ain’t new. lt ain’t nothing but the old shuffle-butt. Well, show me that move. Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down. Can’t you see the kids are trying to put a show on there? Lester, she ain’t your mama. – Yeah. Yeah. – Junior! Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa. Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma. – That’s my granddaughter. – That’s my niece. Why do fools fall in love? Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day. Why do they fall in love? Why does the rain fall from up above? Why do fools fall in love? Why do they fall in love? Mama, I got a joke. Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. I got a joke to tell. Once there was a lion and a monkey. The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.” So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing!” So the lion said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I can make the stars come out.” And then he kicked him in the ding-ding. Thank you. I love that doo-doo line. That boy’s got talent. My favorite movie is Trading Places. – 48 Hrs. Has to be. – Trading Places. – Beverly Hills Cop. – Delirious. – Beverly Hills Cop. – No, 48 Hrs. – All of them. – 48 Hrs. – All of them. – 48 Hrs. I even liked Best Defense. I’m looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit. – I’m telling you, that behind and all. – Yeah, he’s looking sexy. – He looks good. – Handsome. Thank you. Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And hello, New York City! Thank you for coming out. Don’t let the lights and cameras throw y’all. We filming a movie here tonight and y’all gonna be in this shit. Except only I’m getting paid for the motherfucker. Every now and then I take a joke too far. That’s why I haven’t been on the road the last three years. Did y’all see Delirious? In Delirious, I was making fun out of a lot of entertainers too. That’s when I got scared. I did some jokes about Mr. T. And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up. He was… And I was scared, because y’all seen Mr. T. He don’t look like, you know, like he can’t fight. He looks like he can whip some ass, right? And I was petrified. I would walk at parties and people say: “Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you.” He was walking up to people saying: “I’m gonna whip Eddie Murphy’s ass when I see him.” Then I watched his show, because I didn’t know him, to see what kind of guy he was, and the character on the show ain’t too bright. So I figured if he came up to me, I could use the Jedi mind trick on him. Mr. T walk up and go, “I heard you did some jokes about me.” “No, you didn’t.” “Maybe I didn’t.” “I’m gonna go beat up the fool that told me them lies.” I’d be at parties, hear he was looking for me, I would just leave. I don’t wanna fight Mr. T. Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me. I was like… When Mike… My manager called me up and said: “Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad.” I was like, “So?” You know, because I’d fuck Mike up. You know, Mike… Mike don’t weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know. I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking for him, but my manager said: “We don’t know everything about Michael. “He might be this bad motherfucker behind closed doors. “He’s a recluse. Behind closed doors, he might be completely different.” And I’d be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day and it’d be like this: “Can I talk to you for a minute? “Yeah, what’s your motherfucking problem, man? “Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh? “What’s all the motherfucking jokes? You don’t like my clothes? “I’m Michael-motherfucking-Jackson, I will bust your ass. “Get the fuck out, motherfucker… “I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker. “You mind your motherfucking business. “I hear some more shit, I’m gonna put this glove up your ass. “I’ll see you later.” That’s a dumb… I could never… I’ve been trying for five months to do the moonwalk and I can’t do the shit. lt’s shitty. lt’s the dumbest dance ever, because I can’t do it, that’s why I say it’s stupid. But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? Be at a party, say, “Hey, baby, come on, let’s dance. See you later.” Do the moonwalk. That’s some stupid shit. Michael can do that shit, though. Michael’s so famous, Michael went on TV and everything he says, the public believes. Went on television and said: “I don’t have sex because of my religious beliefs.” And the public believed it. I know brothers were like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And white people go, “That Michael’s a special kind of guy. “He’s special. I mean, he’s good, clean and wholesome.” You know how I knew y’all believed it? Y’all didn’t get mad when he took Brooke Shields to the Grammys. Nobody white said shit. And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America. Miss America every year is Brooke. Fuck who you see with the crown. You look up “white woman” in the dictionary, be a picture of Brooke like this: She’s white. And this n i g g e r took her to the Grammys, nobody said shit. lf I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys, y’all would lose your mind. Because y’all know Brooke would get fucked that night. And Brooke knew too. That’s why we going this year. No… Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about… I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago and faggots were mad. They were like… And they were… There’s nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you. I’d be at parties… There’s always two or three at a party. They’d be standing around looking at you, they’d be looking at… “He’s an asshole.” I can’t travel the country freely no more. I can’t go to San Francisco. They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport. Soon as I got off the plane, they’d be like: “He’s here, yes. Yes, it’s him. Yes, it’s him!” And the cars would come rushing across town. It’d be: And it won’t be no siren, it’ll be a real fag sitting on the roof going: “Pull over. Pull over. “Pull over. I’m gonna read him his rights. “You have the right to remain silent. “Anything you say can and will be held against you. “You have the right to an attorney. Turn around. I’m gonna frisk you. “You carrying any concealed weapons? “Are you carrying…? What is this? What is this? “Lay down on the floor and spread them.” Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show? – Yeah! I do too. I love Bill Cosby’s show. I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. Never met the man before, but he called me up about a year ago and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage. It was real weird, because I had never met him and he just thought it was… He should call me up, because he was Bill, and tell me that he did… About what comedy is all about. And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. And I ran in the house all excited to talk to Bill and picked up the telephone and Bill got raw on me. I was like, “Hello, Mr. Cosby?” And you hear: “I would like to talk to you… “…about some of the things that you do in your show. “Now, I’m going to tell you a story.” He always tells you stories. “I would like to tell you a story. I have five children. “One, two, three, four, five. Five… Five children. “I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children. “Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy. “The boy’s name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. “Comes home from school the other day “with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. “He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile, “and I cannot resist, because it’s such a beautiful smile. “And he walks up and I say, ‘What are you smiling about?’ “And the child says to me: ‘I’m smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show. ‘Please give me money for a ticket.’ “Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket, “I have to give him money for a ticket. “I do not handle the money in the house. “My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. “So I must go into the kitchen, “to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. “And she is inside the kitchen cooking. “And she’s got a bowl. “And she’s cooking up the food, man. She’s cooking it up. “And the child walks in the room with the smile “and he says, ‘Mother, please, money.’ “She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. “Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return. “At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door. “He has a different look on his face. “A look like he heard something at your show that he’s never heard before. “And I say to my child, I say, ‘Child…’ “I say, ‘What did the man say on the stage?’ “And he says, ‘Pop, the man comes out and says these things.’ “I say, ‘Well, what did he say?’ ‘Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.’ “I say, ‘What did he do?’ ‘Pop, he walks out and he goes: “Hello, suck this, and MF and kiss my big black stuff. “And suck it and stick it down in your mouth and suck it, suck it.”‘ “You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth in front of people.” And I say, “I never said no ‘filth, flarn, filth’.” “You know what I’m talking about. “I can’t use the type of language that you use, “but you know what I mean when I say ‘filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth’.” I say, “I never said ‘filth, flarn, filth’. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m offended you called. Fuck you.” That’s when Bill got pissed and said: “That’s what I’m talking about. You cannot say ‘fuck’… “…in front of people.” And I got mad. Because he thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, “motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. “Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.” I was pissed off. I was so mad I called Richard Pryor‘s house up. I said, “Yo, Richard, Bill Cosby just called me up “and told me I was too dirty.” Richard said: “The next time motherfucker call, tell him I said, ‘Suck my dick.’ “I don’t give a fuck. “Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit.” He said, “Do people laugh when you say what you say?” I said, “Yes.” “Do you get paid?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Well, tell Bill I said: ‘Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.’ “The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker.” Richard… Richard is the rawest motherfucker in show business. Richard’s the one that made me wanna do comedy. When I was little, I wanted to be Richard Pryor so bad I used to… Remember, you’d sneak in the basement, put his albums on, and your mother ain’t supposed to hear, and you’re listening to this shit and I turned it… I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used to go out on-stage when I was 15 and talk and act and walk and do everything like Richard. My mother would sit there and watch her 15-year-old son on-stage saying some outlandish shit. My whole act back then was about taking a shit, because that’s all I had done at 15. That was my life experience, but it sounded like Pryor jokes. I’d be going, [imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo’ ass? Don’t that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin’ yo’ ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo’ ass don’ cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo’ ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o’ toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin’ for a long time and one lil’ pebble shit comes out? Y’ want some shit this big right? Stick yo’ head up your ass and say: That all the shit I’m gonn’ get mothafocka? And it’s afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin’ you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back… WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT? That was my act. My mother sit there shocked. If you don’t speak English, you can’t hear that bit. All you hear is “shit, ass, shit, shit.” I got a lot of foreigners that come over. People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S., because New York is a tourist place, and they get HBO and they catch Delirious and they can’t speak English and try to do my act and all they got is the curses. I got foreigners from all over walking up, going: “Eddie Murphy! Fuck you! “Fuck you, Eddie. “I know you. I see you on television. “You’re the ‘fuck you’ man, right? “I love it. Suck my dick, huh? “Suck it, you black motherfucker. “I love it. The best motherfucker. The ‘fuck you’ man.” Made me stay in the house, man. Almost got married last year. Don’t you “ooh” and “aah”. Got to get married in the ’80s. I read the papers. I said, “Fuck this, I’m getting out.” Hey, you know, read. You can catch some shit. You can’t just keep messing around like you used to. Eventually, your dick will fall off. Remember…? Remember, like, VD in the ’60s? That shit don’t just sting no more. Every time they cure something, it come back stronger. VD is new and improved now. They got dudes in the doctor’s office with symptoms like, “Excuse me, doc, “what does it mean when you go to the bathroom “and fire shoot out your dick?” “Let me get this right. So you’re getting a burning sensation “when you urinate?” “No, fire shoot out my dick, is all. “A burst of flame fly out my dick when I pee. “I can’t even pee in the house, I burn my house down. I gotta go outside. “I was outside peeing, dude tried to mug me, “I turned around and burned him up on the street. “Because my dick is a blowtorch, is what I’m trying to say.” Got to be careful. They say having casual sex nowadays is like playing Russian roulette. And I know I’ve thrown my dick on the crap table many a night. Looking for Miss Right, you be gambling every time. You gambling with your dick, saying, “Come on, need a woman with a mind. “Come on, now. I need somebody perfect for me. Give it to me, now! “Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch. No, give me my dick back. No. “I’m gonna keep rolling. I got one more roll in me. “I want the perfect woman, now. I want somebody with a mind, “intelligence, a nice ass and a body. Give it to me, now! “Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch. No, give my dick back. “Give my dick back. Now, listen, be quiet. “I’m gonna keep rolling. This is my last roll. “This is the last one. This is the one for me. “Miss Right. Blow on this for luck. “This is my last roll. Come on. Here we go. “Give it to me, now! Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out. “My dick is fucked up. My dick is ruined.” So be careful. Get married. I went out and found the perfect woman. Nineteen years old. Beautiful face. A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her. And had an ass like this: And her legs are like: Her titties are like: She was so fine. She’s one of the people that’s so fine, when you see them, they make you ugly. You be like, “Goddamn, who is that motherfucker?” She was fine. I went, I cut all my girls off. I said, “That’s it, I’m getting married. This is it. Gonna be me and her.” I was so happy. And I went out and I went shopping. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine while I was waiting on the line and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. There was a picture of him like this: Then I said, “What’s up with Johnny?” I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page and she was like this: And over her head it said, “Johnny’s wife wants half Johnny’s money.” I turned that shit back to Johnny. Then I started thinking about it. Half. If you… If you have $5 and have to give somebody $2.50, you’d be upset. Johnny had to have at least 300 million. And have to give up $150 million? And they wasn’t even married but ten years. And $150 million? Get… Give me a fucking break. What…? What…? And ladies… Now, here’s a woman right here saying, “Right on.” Baby, that’s not fair. Not no 150 million. I see a lot of you ladies going: “Get all the money you can, shit. I’m glad she did get all that money. “She earned it. She earned it. That… You damn right. “She was married to him, she deserved that money.” Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. No. Stop it. No, don’t get me wrong. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. And I’m quite sure she knew. Johnny says, “Hey, I’m Johnny.” She was like, “I know who you are, motherfucker.” And they got married, broke up, shit didn’t work out. And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: “You can’t put a price on what I do.” But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t no regular housewife. You ain’t got to clean the house no more. You get a maid. You ain’t cleaning shit! You marry a man with $300 million, you ain’t cooking. You’re eating out. You marry… You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side to help make ends meet? He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? And say, “Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. “Now we have $300 million and 70. “Because I want to do my share.” No. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband. That’s it! That’s your job. Fuck your husband! That’s it. That’s… Just fuck your husband. You fill out a W-2, they say, “What you do?” You say, “I fuck my husband.” That’s it. And I’ve had my share of pussy. I have yet… Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman’s ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million! No pussy. I’d like to meet some pussy like that. Put the shit on layaway. That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified. Man, you know what’s real scary is that American women in the ’80s have become very business-conscious. Y’all the most resourceful and the most business-smart women on the planet. Now, in the ’80s. And it would be an asset to us, as American men, if you weren’t so vindictive. Because the two don’t match. Then, what’s really fucked up, is y’all the most loving people. American women are all off into this romance and they genuinely fall in love with you. Now, love and money do not mix. The shit don’t mix. Especially if you got a business-smart woman… You go up and say, “I never met anybody like you before.” “I never met anyone like you.” “Why don’t we be together.” “Will you marry me?” “I thought you’d never ask.” “Before we get married, why don’t you sign this prenuptial agreement.” “What do you mean, a prenuptial agreement?” “That’s a contract that stipulates if we ever break up, “you take what you had and I take what I had.” “First of all, I don’t give a fuck who you are and what you have, OK? “You got a lot of motherfucking nerve by asking me to sign a contract. “There’s nothing a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself. “You got a whole lot of… I love you. “Telling me to sign a contract to show that I love you? “If I need something, I can go to my family. My family takes care of me.” And men hear all that shit and we be like this, “OK. “We don’t need no contract.” And you don’t get a contract and get married without one and the shit don’t work out and you break up a year later. She’s sitting around in the kitchen by herself, mad, trying to figure out a way to get even with your ass. “I can’t believe that motherfucker did this to me! “After all the shit I did… “All the things I did for that motherfucker, he do this to me? “Him and his fat bitch can kiss my ass! “I don’t give a shit about either one of them. “I don’t want shit from him or her and I don’t care. “You know something? You know what I should…? You know…? “Half! “I’ll take half his shit!” And they’ll get it. They’ll get half your money, your house, your car, alimony, child support and your children. You will be on the cover of the Enquirer like this: So be careful! I started having nightmares. I was waking up in the middle of the night like this: “Half!” Because I’m into American women. I like American women. I got a friend got a Japanese girlfriend. And Japanese women are the most docile women on the planet. They’re real… They’re real timid, timid, timid, timid women. I walked in the house and his friend, Japanese girl, bowed to me when I walked in. I said, “What’s wrong with your wife’s back and shit?” He said, “That’s a Japanese thing. They bow.” And I was like, “Miss, did you decorate the house?” She looked at her husband, he did like this: “You may speak.” And she spoke. And I was like, “Now, that’s pussy control for you, there.” You know, because I’m used to American women saying: “You don’t own me.” “Hey, baby, where you going?” “Excuse me?” “I said, where you going?” “You don’t own me.” “You my woman, ain’t you?” “I don’t see no rings on these fingers. “Are you gonna put a ring on this finger? “Well, I…” “Then you don’t own me then, OK? “I don’t give a fuck who you are or what you have, OK? “You got a whole lot of nerve, come and ask me where I’m going. “I don’t answer to my father, I ain’t gonna answer to no man. “Ain’t no man gonna tell me where I can go. “Who do you think you are? “To come and ask me where I’m going? Nobody owns me. “I own myself. I am my own person.” And we hear all that shit, then be, “OK.” “Well, where you gonna be?” “I’m gonna be where I’m at! “You don’t own me!” Well, you don’t. You don’t own your woman. “You gonna put a ring on my finger?” That shuts you right up. You say, “OK.” I know you spend a lot of your money on your woman. And I know you go to the movies and you go to get the ice cream and the candy and the flowers and the anklets and the bracelets and help her get some clothes. You spending all your money on shit you ain’t never spent it on. But you don’t own her. Because theoretically, that pussy’s on lease. You’re leasing the pussy. With an option to buy. But be careful, because you lose half on the trade-in. You got to be careful. You gotta have a J-O-B in the ’80s. You gotta have some money, you can’t get no pussy. Listen to the radio. That’s what it’s about. Listen to Madonna. “I’m a material girl in a material world, “you ain’t got no money, you can’t have no pussy.” There’s a song out now called “Got to Have a J-O-B If You Wanna Be With Me.” And the lyrics go, “Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.” Like if you went up and said: “Hey, baby, what’s going on?” “The rent, motherfucker.” “You have a job?” “Well, I…” “Then get the fuck out my face.” Got to have some money. It says, “No romance without finance.” And women love them songs. They be going: Got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me. Janet Jackson got a hit record: “What Have You Done For Me Lately”. That’s what they thinking. “What have you done for me lately?” The record start off like that. “I know he used to do shit for you, but what has he done for you lately?” “Baby, I love you.” “What have you done for me lately?” “You the only thing on my mind.” “What have you done for me lately?” “We make good love.” “What have you done for me lately?” Got to have some money to get some pussy in the ’80s. It’s fucked up, that’s why I say, hey, I’m a target. If I ever get married, I have to go off to the woods of Africa and find me some crazy, naked, zebra bitch… …that knows nothing about money. She got to be butt naked on a zebra with a big bone in her nose and a big plate lip and a big, fucked-up Afro! Her Afro… Afro gotta… Like, Angela Davis see it and go: “Goddamn, that’s some fucked-up shit.” Afro gotta be fucked up and one of them picks with a fist in the back. And she gotta be butt naked, because if she got clothes, she gonna have to put something in the pockets. She’s gotta be butt naked on the zebra. And y’all think it’s a joke. I’m gonna walk up and say, “Hey, how you doing? My name’s…” And she go: I say, “Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy.” And I’m gonna bring her home. Y’all gonna go past a newsstand one day and see me on the cover of JE with some woman with a big bone and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro, butt naked, and y’all gonna say, “Eddie must be visiting Africa.” It’ll say, “Murphy Marries Bush Bitch.” I’m gonna be like: What? What? Because I ain’t getting caught. I refuse to get caught out there. Fuck that. And I’m gonna bring her home and lock her up in the house. You go off to Africa and get you a bush woman, you can’t let her mingle with American women. Because they’ll change her shit up. American women stick together. Last thing they wanna see is you got some trained bush bitch in your house. They will catch her by herself in the kitchen and throw a monkey wrench in your whole program. They get her alone, they be like, “I can’t stand the way you be “doing everything he tell you to do. You a human being. “This house is too big for one person to clean. Why don’t you leave? “You always crying. Just leave him. You know something? “Do you know you could take half his money? Did you know that? “He didn’t tell you you were entitled to half? “He only told you half the story. “You can take half the money, the car, the house, the children. “You can buy all the zebras and bones you want. “Go back home in style, girl. And get your hair done right. “Cut that Afro off, go back home in style. Who the hell he think he is? “Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy. “That motherfucker ain’t nothing but… Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing? “Oh, I didn’t know you was here. You scared me. “No, I can’t stay. I was just talking to Uhmfufu about a couple of things. “No, no, no, I got to go. I got to… You two… Y’all two lovebirds talk. “Eddie, talk to your… Talk to Uhmfufu. “Y’all got a lot to talk about. Go on, Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu…” And leave me in the kitchen with some bush bitch with an attitude. “Eddie! “Eddie! “I want to talk to you!” “What’s your problem, baby?” “I don’t like the way you treat me, Eddie. “You treat me like animal.” “You was butt naked on a zebra last month.” “I don’t care, Eddie. I am American woman now. “I want what’s coming to me. “Eddie, what have you done for me lately?” “I want you to be happy. Well, what you want?” “Half! “Give me half, Eddie. Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man. “Suck my dick, Eddie. “You motherfucker.” Then I’d be on the front page of the African Enquirer like this: So be careful. Don’t get caught in a trap. Any woman can get any man she wants if she puts her mind and pussy to it. They can have you. They have figured us out. We’re very easy creatures to figure out. And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around and you had to fuck her? And then afterwards you be like this, “I can’t believe I fucked this bitch.” They just cater to your ego. Sometimes you’ll see a real ugly bitch with a handsome dude. You say, “How that happen?” Dude’s going, “Yeah, how that happen?” Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. Guys, don’t get trapped. We’ll call them “pussy traps”. Let’s call them pussy traps. It’s a trap. They trap you with the pussy. They catch you with the pussy, see. And it’s a trap. The most common trap is to not give you any, though. Don’t think, “Maybe you’re gonna put a trap on.” The most common is when you ain’t getting any at all, that’s the trap. When you meet a woman and everything is perfect and she won’t do anything, it’s a trap. Sometimes it backfires, because a lot of women play these games with sex. And ladies like sex just as much as we do, guys, but they act like they don’t. But they do. There’s not a woman… There’s not a woman in this room that wouldn’t rather be somewhere else with a nice stiff one in them. Don’t you let them fool you. They like it just as much as us. See, ladies sitting there going: “That’s true. “He’s funny, but he’s not that funny. “I’ll take a dick over a smile any day. Yes, I will.” They like it just as much as us, but they play these games. Know where it backfires on you, ladies? When you go meet a guy, he wants you, you want him, you like each other, everything is perfect, but you won’t do anything. He say, “Let’s go.” You say, “No, I’m not gonna do it.” And after that, he don’t like you no more. But he still wants to fuck you. So he waits. He be like, “Okay, I’ll wait. “Goodnight.” And you wait. You wait three months. Then you finally get it and she’s like this, “I’m yours.” And you go, “Fuck you, bitch!” “Fuck you and your pussy. Get the fuck out of my face.” Be careful. Don’t get trapped. The most common trap is to not give you any. Let me hear the men clap that are with women that you’ve never slept with before. Let me hear you clap, truthfully. Look at the ladies going, “Stop clapping.” Shame on you. You should’ve fucked them. Clap. Clap louder. Shame on you. Y’all should’ve fucked them. These men like you and you just won’t do it, because you’re trying to trap… Guys, don’t be hurt. She likes you. This is what is going on inside your house every night. “Baby, come on, now, please.” She go, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.” “Baby, come on. Would you stop?” “Oh, stop. Can we please stop? “Are we gonna go too far?” “I want it to go too far. Come on now, baby.” “We could… Stop. I just don’t think the time is right.” “Well, my dick don’t get much harder than this. “I been waiting three months. What’s the problem?” “I don’t wanna fuck. I wanna make love. “I’ve had too many relationships that didn’t work out. You’re special to me. “I know all the girls do everything that you want. “And I don’t wanna go through… Why are you doing this…?” And men see those tears and we be, “OK. “We don’t have to do nothing.” Then you go out and your friends be, “Yo, man, you fuck her yet?” “No.” “Why not?” “She’s special. “She said she don’t wanna fuck, she wanna make love.” Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking and making love, let’s be real. I mean, the physical act… I like to fuck somebody I’m in love with. But I ain’t making love to nobody. I get into bed… I get into bed… I get into bed… When you get into bed, would you rather have somebody say: “Oh, make love to me” or grab the back of your head and say, “Fuck the shit out of me. “You motherfucker. “Just fuck, mother… Fuck me, goddamn it.” You want somebody in the bed with you: “Oh, darling, I want to make love to you.” That type of shit. “You a motherfucker…” I’m a realist. But they’ll tell you, “I don’t wanna fuck, I wanna make love.” And they make you wait. And you wait and wait and wait and wait. And you just keep on waiting, you just wait and finally she gives you some. And it’s the best you ever had in your life. You come harder than you’ve ever came. “This was it. This was the feeling I’ve been searching for. I finally made love.” You didn’t make love. lt just felt real good. You know why? Because you waited five months for it. If you’re starving and somebody throw you a cracker, you gonna be like this: “Goddamn, that’s the best cracker I ever ate in my life! “That ain’t no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine? “Goddamn, that was delicious. “That wasn’t no Saltine. That was… That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz? “God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. “Can I have another one, please? Please, one more.” Then you get married, because you think you’ve found the bomb. Have the same crackers every day for a year. And you roll over one day and be like: “Hey, I just got some regular old crackers.” Try to leave? Half! So be careful. Marry someone that’s not gonna fool around on you. Which would be hard to do in the ’80s, because everybody’s fucking each other nowadays. It’s like Fuckfest ’87. Everybody… Everybody is fucking and it really… It’s getting bad. Let me hear the women clap that are loyal to their men, truthfully. Let me hear you clap. OK, now, let me hear… Let me hear the women clap that have men that are loyal to them, truthfully. Yeah, I see. Y’all some disillusioned ladies clapping right now. Let me hear the men clap. Let me hear the men clap that are loyal to their women. Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass. Fuck, there ain’t no such thing as a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers. Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you’re clapping is because your woman’s sitting next to you right now when I asked you. When I asked the question, she looked at you like this: “You gonna put your hands together? “You better stomp your feet and light a match for this pussy, goddamn it. “Stand up and clap. Stand your ass up and clap.” “She’s number one!” Get the fuck out. No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they’ll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men fuck other women. We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it. We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pussy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is fucking. He is a man and has to conquer women. I see a lot of you good women sitting out there going: “Not my man.” Yes, your man too. Your man too. If he’s not here with you tonight, he fucking somebody. Because he is a man. lt has nothing to do with you. You can have the best pussy in the world. There can be a cape hanging out your pussy with a big S on it. Your man’s still gonna go fuck somebody else, because he is a man. It is a dick thing. Do not try to understand it. You have to have a dick to understand this. We are men. I know a lot of guys sitting out there right now like this too: “Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man! “I ain’t spent all my money for this, motherfucker!” You gonna be driving home tonight with your wife in the car like this: “You don’t really be fooling around like Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?” “No, baby. That’s just jokes. “That Ed sure is funny, ain’t he? “Why don’t we change the subject. Let’s talk about something different. “I don’t wanna talk about this stuff.” “I do wanna talk about this stuff. “Why does he have to lie to me? I think he was telling the truth. “If you fooled around, I would be so hurt and disgusted, I would wait “until you went to sleep, I would come inside the room and kill you.” – Thanks, Eddie! – We love you! “Yeah, that Ed sure is funny. “I ain’t got to worry. As much as I love you, “I wouldn’t fool around. Let’s talk about the Richard Pryor.” “I don’t wanna talk about the Richard Pryor. “I wanna talk about this, because if you fooled around, “I would be so hurt, you know what I would do?” “What would you do, baby, take half?” “No, I’d wait till you went to sleep “and I’d come inside the room and cut your dick off.” “Don’t be talking about cutting off my dick.” “Well, you don’t be putting your dick in nobody else, then.” “Well, I don’t play that shit. You cut off my dick, you better run, goddamn it. “Stop making them dick threats.” The woman’s favorite… Y’all always make… The woman’s favorite threat is, “I’ll do something to your dick.” “If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts. A man put his hands… “Don’t you put your hands on me, I’m gonna kick you where it hurts.” Dick threats. Y’all don’t realize how sensitive nuts are, do you? Men don’t like to hear a threat like that. You hear somebody: “I’ll kick you in the nuts.” It make you wince, be like: “Change the subject, please.” You don’t have to kick no nuts to hurt nobody. You could just graze nuts. And the man would be fucked up. And that pain is worse, because it don’t set in for, like, ten seconds. You be wondering if it’s gonna hurt. You say, “I wonder, did that hit my nuts, just…?” There’s no getting around it. “I’ll kick you in your nuts.” You don’t have to kick. You could just graze it. Y’all do that… You ever have a woman play-fight with you? Your man get serious when they threaten your dick. You be, “Hey, baby, come on.” And she go: You say, “Hey, hey, hey. “I think playtime is over. “Getting a little crazy.” That’s why men don’t like to handle babies. Them little babies with them high-top white shoes on with the real hard bottoms. When they about 1 years old, you pick them up and their leg muscles be strong and they stomp you in the nuts with both feet. And both of y’all be dribbling. You be like: And their mother think you talking baby talk. “Oh, that’s so cute, the way they talking.” “Yeah, go to your mother, please.” “What’s the matter, he stink?” “No, I’m about to throw this motherfucker someplace. “Get a little older, I’m gonna kick you in your nuts, see how you like it.” “I kick him in his nuts.” Always talking about kicking somebody in the nuts. You know what, ladies? I had a woman ask me the other day: “You know why I say my thing? I wanna know why all men fool around. “Why, why, why? I do everything my man wants me to do “and he still fools around. Why? I cook, I clean, I fuck. “I come and go as he says. Why, why, why?” Then you call up your girlfriends and go, “Why?” She go, “I don’t know. My man ain’t home.” “Why?” Then you call up your mother and say, “Mama, why?” She go, “I don’t know, your father ain’t home.” “Why? Why?” I’ll tell you why all men fool around. – Why? – Hear the ladies go, “Why?” Men fool around because of this. Look at all the women in the audience right now looking up here like this: We fool around because we figured women out. We did. See, a lot of you ladies going: “What does he mean, he figured us out?” And dumb n i g g a s going, “Yeah, what does he mean, we figured them out?” We figured you out in this sense, and this is true. Anybody’s ever done this will agree with what I’m saying. Any woman that’s ever had this done to her will agree what I’m gonna say. Those of you who’ve never done this will go, “I disagree.” But once you make a woman come real hard, once you make a woman say: No matter how bad you fuck up, no matter what you do wrong, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, as long as you say: “I’m sorry,” she will listen to your story. And that’s the truth. That’s the God’s honest truth. lt is the truth. Stop it. lt’s the truth. lt is the truth. And, ladies, as soon as y’all make that noise, your relationship will change with your man. Because we know. We wait on that noise. We waiting on it. Because we know we can act different as soon as you go: We know we can act the fool then. Remember when your man couldn’t make it, he would call? No more of that shit. He heard you go: Remember he wanted to spend all his free time with you? No more of that. You made that noise. Your man can act crazy. We know as soon as you go: Our face is in the pillow like this, “I got this motherfucker now, boy.” Then you start talking to her: “Whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this?” “Oh, it’s your pussy! lt’s your pussy!” And your relationship changes from that moment. The woman be sitting on the bed, legs shaking: “Oh, my God. Oh, I can’t believe it. “I never came like that before. I can’t believe it.” And their man get real cold, saying shit like: “Why don’t you shake your ass home.” “What are you talking about? Why are you treating me like this? “We have a relationship.” “You don’t own me.” “What do you mean? We have a relationship. “I thought that we go together.” “I don’t see no rings on your finger.” “But I love you!” “Well, what have you done for me lately?” And y’all put up with it. Y’all start putting up with all kinds of crazy shit. I guess it’s hard to find somebody that knows how to do it to you right, because when y’all find one, y’all stick through that man through all kinds of bullshit. I know a man got busted coming out of another woman’s house. Show you how far a woman will stoop. He got busted coming out of another woman’s house. His woman saw him come out, knew that the woman lived there and didn’t say shit. Wait till they got home and said: “What the hell was you doing in that bitch’s house?” You know what the man said? “Wasn’t me.” “I looked right in your face!” “Wasn’t me.” “Well, I’m supposed to be a fool, right?” “Hey. “Wasn’t me.” You know what the woman said? “Maybe it wasn’t you.” I got a friend got busted in his house, in his bed, where him and his wife sleep, with another woman, fucking! His wife walked inside the house, opened up the bedroom door, saw her man in her bed with another woman, fucking. She walks in: The man jumped up, saw his woman standing there. She ran down the hallway. Chased his woman down the hallway butt naked with a rock-hard dick, talking about, “I’m sorry.” This sound like a tragedy, right? No, it was like this: “Baby, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. “Baby, look. Whoa, hold on. Wait, we got to talk. “Baby, I am sorry.” “No, you’re not sorry. “I can’t believe you did this. You have no respect for me. “Get the fuck… Don’t you fucking touch me.” “Wait, baby, I am sorry. Wait a second.” “No, if you’re sorry, you wouldn’t have fucked her!” And then you change the shit around. Right, guys? “OK, wait a minute! “Wait one second, goddamn it! “Yes, I fucked her, yes. “ls that what you want me to say? I fucked her? I fucked her. “We fucked, all right? You happy now? We fucked! “Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’ for a minute. “Because that’s a very important word here. Fuck, yes, we did. “Fuck. I fucked her. “I make love to you. “And if you gonna let a fuck come between our love, “there’s something really wrong happening here, baby.” Bullshit. That’s the only reason why it works. Now, guys, I see a lot of y’all feeling real macho, because you may have heard your woman make that noise and you think you are in control of your shit. But I told you a half-hour ago, women are vindictive. Don’t you think for two seconds that if you keep breaking this woman’s heart, your sweet, innocent, little, sweet, loving, darling woman, she eventually will go out and fuck someone else. Don’t think she won’t. Don’t think she won’t. Look, all the men’s faces, they’re like this now: And men don’t like to picture their woman fucking nobody. That’s taboo. Watch the guy’s faces. Ladies, look at them. Guys, picture your woman fucking your best friend. Look at them, they’re: Hey, your woman is like this: I gotta tell you, be careful. And women ain’t like us. It’s not their nature to fool around. Like, we’ll go out and sneak out to the hotel and have to wash your dick in the sink and all that shit. Women gonna do it classy. They don’t fuck around like us. It’s like, “Hey, I don’t do this often, I’m gonna do it right.” Know when your woman’s gonna fool around? You keep messing her over, eventually she says shit like this: “You know, I think I’m gonna go to the Bahamas by myself for the weekend.” And you say, “You want me to go with you?” She goes, “No, just me and my girlfriends are going. “Just me and my friends.” And we so stupid, we start thinking about all the pussy we can get while she gone. “You gonna go by yourself?” “Yes.” “OK.” And send your woman off to the romantic Bahamas by herself? By herself to the Bahamas? She’s walking on the beach, she laid out all day and got a tan, your woman is fine and got her body looking right, she’s walking on the beach, crying, in the Bahamas. Lovers on the beach making love. She’s all by herself, walking along, feeling sad, thinking about you and everybody’s real romantic. The motion of the ocean is shimmying off… The moon is shimmying off the ocean. Your woman’s standing, looking at it and crying. And all of a sudden, a dude named Dexter walks up. Dexter St. Jock. He walk up swinging his dick. Then he do that smooth Bahamas shit on your woman. “What a beautiful girl like you doing by herself on the island of love? “This is the island for lovers. “You should be being held right now, girl. “What you crying about?” “I’m having some problems with my boyfriend, “so I came down here to think it over.” “Tell me what hotel your man’s staying. “I tell him that you treat a woman like you like a princess. “If you were my woman, I make love to you constantly. “What hotel this man staying in?” “Well, he’s back in New York.” “Is that right? “Well, listen, girl. Won’t you come back around my place? “We sit down and talk it over.” “All we gonna do is talk?” He take your woman to his house and roll one of them big-ass Bahama joints. Shit this big and shit. Put some of that Bob Marley music on. And y’all know Bob be preaching this shit: Don’t let him fool you Oh, no Or even try to school you Oh, yeah Could this be love? And be loved Dick swinging. Next thing you know, Dexter is fucking your woman. Well. Send your woman home floating on air. Walk through the door like this: I shot the sheriff We so stupid, we think it was the weather. We be going: “Hey, baby, you need to get away more often.” And she be like this: And never tell you. lt’s her little secret. All women have a skeleton in the closet. All women have done something that only them and another person knows about. All women have one skeleton. Even the little, sweet, innocent ones have something that only them and another person knows about. All women. Don’t be… Look at the guys, looking at their women again like this: “You got skeletons in your closet? “I thought I seen a bone in your shoe. Whose skeleton was that?” Don’t be fooled. They all have a skeleton in their closet. Some of them got cemeteries in their closet and shit. You open the door and ravens and shit fly out of the closet. So be careful. Be careful. Get somebody you gonna be with forever. Find somebody perfect for you. I’m not saying they’re perfect people. I’m saying we ain’t perfect. Find somebody just as fucked up as you are and settle down. That’s what you gotta do. If I ever get married, I got to marry somebody with personality. For instance, I hate those quiet, salad-eating bitches, those real quiet ones, you know. The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say: “Hey, what you wanna eat?” They go, “I’ll just have a salad.” And you hear their stomach going: “I don’t know why my stomach is making that noise.” “Because you’re hungry, bitch.” “Why don’t you have something to eat?” “No, no, no. I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ll just have a salad.” “What you want to drink?” “Water.” “What movie you wanna see after you finish eating?” “Whatever you wanna see is OK with me. “As long as it’s a PG. I hate scary movies.” “This is my friend Bob and Karen.” “Hi.” “What’s your problem?” “I’m just a little shy.” Get your shy ass away from me. I hate those shy bitches. They make me sick to my mother… I hate shy… You know, those shy women, those are usually the ones that have the most skeletons in their closet. That’s why they shy now. Because they been raising hell all their life, now they shy. Think about it. All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk, because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit. “Hi. “So many skeletons.” I hate shy women. I like extroverts, I like women with a sense of humor. I like funny girls, funny women. But you gotta be good-looking too. I don’t wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch and shit. I’d have me in the bed going: “Hey, baby, can you tell me some more jokes, please?” Gotta be a good cook. I didn’t realize my mother was a good cook till after I moved out. When you’re a child, if your mother doesn’t take you to McDonald’s, you don’t think she can cook. I had one of those mothers, no matter what you want, she has the ingredients at home. You say, “Ma, I wanna stop and get some McDonald’s.” And she go, “I got hamburger meat at home.” “But I want McDonald’s hamburger.” “I’ll make you a hamburger better than McDonald’s.” “You cook better than McDonald’s?” “That’s right. You can help Mama make it.” You say, “Shit, that’s better than McDonald’s.” Your mother say, “OK, go get me the big frying pan.” So you hand her the frying pan and she say: “I want you to go in the refrigerator and get the meat and while you in there, get me a green pepper and a onion.” And you say: “Ain’t no green peppers at McDonald’s.” “I’m not making McDonald’s, I’m making Mama’s burger. “I need a green pepper and an onion and get me an egg out too.” “What you need eggs for? “I want hamburgers. “You making Egg McMuffins.” “I’m not making an Egg McMuffin. I don’t know what no Egg McMuffin is. Just get me the egg and shut your mouth.” She take the egg and the green peppers and chop the peppers up in big chunks. Don’t even dice it. Big chunks of green peppers and onion and mix the egg in and put paprika and all this shit in it and make a big meatball and put it in the middle of this frying pan. At McDonald’s, the meat is this thin. Your mother’s shit is like this or fatter. Green peppers hanging out of it and shit. And there’s a big split in the middle and grease is popping out. You’re looking at it while it’s popping. You’re looking at the grease in the pan and thinking: “That don’t look like no McDonald’s.” Then your mother say, “Go inside the refrigerator and get me the bread out of the bread box.” And you go look in the bread box and you say: “Ma, we don’t have no hamburger buns. “All we have is Wonder Bread.” “That’s what I said. Get the bread out of the bread box.” “You gonna put it on square Wonder Bread?” “Bread is bread. Bring me that bread before I slap you. “Don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “As much as that bread costs, don’t tell me about Wonder Bread. “This is Wonder Bread. A hamburger is a hamburger.” And she’d make it and put it in the middle of square Wonder Bread. At McDonald’s, they use buns, the meat covers the whole bread. At your mother’s, the meat’s right in the middle of the bread, with grease running through the middle, making the bread stick to the plate. This big green pepper is hanging out the top of this big meatball on the bread. And you try to put some ketchup on it and it mixes with the grease, turn the bread into pink dough. Then you grab it and get fingerprinted and you got big, pink fingerprints in the dough. You stand there looking at it and you try to make it look like McDonald’s, so you rip the edges off around it, make it round. And you got green peppers and grease running down your hand. And your mother say, “Now, go on outside and play.” And the other kids got McDonald’s. They outside going, “We got McDonald’s hamburgers. “McDonald’s. McDonald’s. “I got McDonald’s.” And you standing there with this big “house burger”. And kids are honest. They say, “Where you get that big, welfare, green-pepper burger?” And you cry. “My mother made it.” And long slob… When little kids cry, some long slob come out of their mouth and it hangs this far to the ground. And it won’t break. And adults stand around going, “That slob gonna break?” And it won’t. The wind can blow that slob. You know where you see kids crying? I do it all the time, I’m sadistic. I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Party at the Loft! I was at the Loft. You know why I ain’t dancing at the Loft? I had just got over some shit. I go to parties… I went to a white disco recently and I watched the white people dance. Y’all… Y’all can’t dance. No, it’s not… I’m not being racist. I mean, I mean… It’s like saying black people have thick lips. That’s not racist. It’s true. We have thick lips and white people can’t dance. And y’all be trying. Y’all be really… Do y’all listen to the words or the beat? Because y’all be… I really… I tell you, every time you see a black… When you go to a white club, you see five or six brothers just standing. You ask, “Why are those n i g g e r s in here?” They watching y’all dance. “Look at these crazy motherfuckers.” Y’all got one dance y’all can do. Y’all can do this shit, like this: But y’all don’t do no moves, it’s just this: Y’all do some shit like this, you be fucked up. You’d be: “Oh, shit…” And white people, y’all step on each other’s feet. Brothers, we go to the disco, get all fucked up, you’re stepping and hitting and… Brothers got some dance. They be doing this with their heads. Some shit like that. If the white people do that, they’ll kill each other. They be like: “Sorry.” “Let’s stick with this.” I was in the club, man. I stopped going… I ain’t dancing at the Loft because I had a fight recently and I said I ain’t dancing. I went to clubs… People get drunk, go to clubs and start fighting. I had a fight with an Italian dude right around the time Rocky came out. Italians… White people, period, y’all go crazy after y’all see a Rocky movie because y’all believe that shit. Because the movies are so emotional and so real, you sit there and go like, “Hey, this is real.” And Stallone have y’all white people pumped, especially Italians. After Italians see Rocky, they come out the movie theater, they be like… Italians are funny people, because they act like n i g g a s. It’s funny. They do. They hold their dick more than us. They be standing around, “Get the fuck out of here.” “It’s right here, all right? What? Hey, fuck you, all right?” Everything is a question too. “Hey, what am I, an asshole? “What am I, a fucking jerk? Get the fuck out of here. “It’s right here, all right?” After they see Rocky, they come out of the theater charged. They be like, “All right, Rock-O! “All right, Sly!” “All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!” Go up to the people standing on line and shit. “Hey, paisan, you going in to see Rocky right now?” “Yeah.” “It’s a great fucking movie. “It’s great. “You gonna like this. When Sly comes out, “he breaks this big fucking n i g g e r’s face. “He busts it fucking wide open. “Fucking melanzane laying on the floor, fucked up. “It’s fucking great. I fucking love it, man. All right, Rock-O! “At the end of this picture, now, just between you and I, “I don’t wanna ruin the surprise, but Sly wins this one again.” “You know what I like about Stallone’s movies? “The realism. Because that’s the way you gotta treat those fucking moolies. “They think they can fucking push you around, ‘Oh, you big hotshot,’ “get the fuck out of here. “Get the fuck out of my face with that shit. “That’s what I like about Sly. He goes in “and the moolies are beating him and he don’t fucking go down, “he comes in and he cracks the fucking moolie’s hole like this. “He falls on the ground. You know, you can really fucking do that. “You see that fucking big melanzane standing over there? “See that black guy over there at the line getting candy?” “Yeah.” “All right. Now, he’s about 6’5″. I’m 5’2”. “I ain’t no big guy, all right? “But I’m Italian. Watch this. You watch this, all right? “Hey, excuse me, brother. “Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits “and let me have some Bon Bons. “I think I’ll have some Bon Bons there. “And let me have some Junior Mints. “And give me another box of Juji Fruits. “And the n i g g e r’s gonna pay for it.” “Excuse me?” “You heard what I said, moolie. Pay for my fucking candy… “…or I’ll kick your ass.” “Oh, you just saw Rocky. “Look, little Italian white man. “I enjoy Sylvester Stallone’s movies too. “But I’m waiting to get some candy and I’m gonna go see a movie. “Why don’t you just go hop in your IROC Z-28 and take your ass home.” “I’ll kick your fucking ass.” Then they hear that Rocky music. Hour later: “He’s not gonna make it. “The big n i g g e r named Abdullah’s hand wrapped around his throat. “And a box of Juji Fruits rammed up his ass. He’s not gonna make it. “He’s fucked up.” That’s who I had a fight with. An Italian. Those are the worst white people to fight, especially around Rocky time. Because I was in a discotheque talking to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever. Don’t ask me why. We were there kicking it and this Italian dude was there with his girlfriend and she is looking at me or Deney. Italians don’t play that shit. You hear the shit they say to their girlfriends? “What the fuck you looking over there for? “Don’t tell me you’re not looking. I just saw you. “You been looking over there all fucking night. “You look over there again and I’m gonna pick up a glass “and shove it in your fucking mouth. Don’t look over there. No, you shut up. “You’re making me look like an asshole. “Don’t you ever disrespect me. Don’t you ever. “Hey, shut up. Don’t you ever… I’ll fucking kick your ass inside here. “What are you looking at a fucking dancer and a melanzane for? “You know I’ll kick his moolie ass.” He pushed me. Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can’t fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. lt works. lf you have some problem… Walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: “Hey, you got a problem?” You go, “Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!” “I just lost my motherfucking job “to a white man, look just like you! “So I say I’m gonna step on some feet till I feel I’ve redeemed myself. “You got a problem?” And white guys will go, “Hey, I didn’t know about your job.” They leave and brother be standing there like this: “That was close. “I almost got fucked up.” So I know you gotta act like you can fight. First, you make your voice go up an octave and act real confused. And mumble: “What the fuck this motherfucker trying…? “Yo, you don’t put your motherfucking hand, no… “Mind your motherfucking business. I’ll bust your motherfucking ass. “Don’t you never put your hands… Shut the fuck up. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man? “You know I’ll bust you… Get the fuck off me. “I’ll bust your motherfucking ass too. Mind your motherfucking business. “You want some, motherfucker? You want some? “Then make a move, then. Make a move. “Yeah, you better walk away, mother… I’ll bust your pussy ass too. “You never put your motherfucking hands on me. “What the fuck is your problem? What’s your problem, huh? “You got a problem? Well, I’m gonna settle your problem. “I’m gonna settle your problem, motherfucker!” And the dude did like this, “Come on!” I was stuck. I was standing there like this now. Dude said, “Come on, that’s the way I like it.” I didn’t know what to do, because I could act like I could fight good. I’m an actor, I ain’t no fighter. You put me in a movie where I’m the star, I’ll kick your ass. This is real shit. He’s going, “Come on.” I was frozen, man. I was standing there, my ego jumped out of my body and said, “Punch him in the face, Ed.” I said, “I ain’t punching nobody.” My ego said, “Well, give me your hand.” Clocked that boy in his eye. Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, he was all fucked up. I looked at my ego, I said: “What the fuck you do that for?” Ego said, “Because you’ve got an image to uphold. “You kicked the dude’s ass. Relax.” The dude was laying there, holding his eye. My ego said, “Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you.” And I was like, “Yeah. “I’m tired of people messing with me.” “Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass.” “If somebody else move, “I’m gonna kick their ass?” “Do some rhyme with your name. That always scares white people.” “Because I’m Ed “and if you mess with Ed, you be dead.” “That’s all right. Just worry about… Shit, you doing fine. “You just relax, don’t worry. Just be cool. “Ain’t nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude’s ass. “Just relax and cool out.” I start cooling out. My ego said: “Every now and then you gotta whip somebody’s ass, “let them know where you stand.” I said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” I ain’t see this dude’s brother standing behind me. And he has seen Rocky too. And he swung around my back and punched me in the mouth… …real, real hard. Because the punch said: And my ego said, “What was that?!” I said, “I don’t know.” And my lip said, “Hey, fellas!” So I’m standing there with my lips hanging down, looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. And I ain’t know what to do, so I scream for security. I said, “Security!” And that’s when one of my boys jumped over the table like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad and grabbed that boy and started going: Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up and starts fucking this boy up and his brother woke up, jump on top of my boy and started kicking his ass. Then somebody says, “Fight in the back!” And all the people, the bouncers, came and saw two n i g g e r s fighting two white guys. They jump on the n i g g e r s. “You n i g g e r s have to learn “to stop fucking up our club. Didn’t we let you in here, n i g g e r? “We saw you laughing while we were dancing. We saw you.” Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys, “Hey, you can’t beat up the brothers.” They jump in the fight. Then it looked like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys, it was a big race war and suntan lotion and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over. And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. I’m 5’10”. I weigh 165 pounds. I can’t whip a disco’s ass by myself. Even people that didn’t fight sued me. People that watched the fight was in court. “No, I didn’t actually fight, but I was there watching. “And it was a discotheque and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, “creating a weird effect with the mirror “and I saw this and my eyes were sprained, “the eyes, and I need 1 2 million for my sprained eyes.” Brothers sued me. Yo, man, the brothers came out and sued. I was like, “Ain’t no brothers gonna sue me.” Brothers sued Ed. The brothers went to get paid. I was, “Brothers don’t sue brothers.” They was like, “Fuck that. I’m getting paid, motherfucker.” The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, “Can you state your case?” [gangsta voice] “Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor… yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin’, right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin’, says “There go Eddie Murphy.” Started actin’ all tipsy and shit. I said, “Where, where?” She go, “Over there.” I say, “Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!” I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t gittin on nobody’s jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, “Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker’s autograph?” I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, “Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph.” [pause] Then Ed said, “I ain’t signing a *motherfuckin’* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!” I said, “Yo, Ed, I’ll bust your ass for sayin’ shit like that.” He say, “Wh-Where, motherfucker, I’ll kill-” And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12! [normal] I was disgusted. Man in Audience: Half! [gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit! I was mad. I called my mother up. You know how you do. When you get depressed, you call your mother. You get your ass whipped, first you call home. I call my mother’s house. Because you wanna hear: “It’s gonna be all right, baby. It’s gonna be fine. “You just come on home. Stop crying. I’ll cook you something to eat. “I’ll cook you one of them big old hamburgers “I used to make before. You just come on home.” And you want that burger when you get older. I called my mother’s house, it was a Friday night, the phone rang for a half-hour. Which meant my pops was home, and on the weekends, my pops gets drunk. I was praying he wouldn’t answer the phone, because I’m bleeding, my lips are swollen, people walking by going, “Jimmie Walker.” I’m going, “No, I’m Ed. I just had a fight.” So I’m praying my father wouldn’t answer the phone. And I picture this is going on, my pops is home like this, drunk: “This is my house! “It’s my house and I don’t give a fuck! “You know something? Hey, I’m drunk, Lil. “Lil? I’m drunk. And you know something? “It’s beautiful. “It’s beautiful, Lil. In my heart and my soul, I’m drunk. “You know something, fuck it. “Because if I wanna drink something in my house, fine. “You don’t like it, get the fuck out of my house. “I pay the bills for this motherfucker. I wanna drink something, I drink. “Hey, Lil, you gonna answer this telephone? “Do you hear the phone ringing? “Lil! “That’s the phone, motherfucker. That’s not me. “No, I’m not answering shit. “I pay the bills. I’m gonna answer the phone too? “Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell up in this motherfucker? “You better answer this telephone. “Lil, answer the phone. Goddamn it, look… “Shit, I’m watching the fights, Lil. “Are you…? You’re not gonna answer it? “OK. Fine. Don’t touch the phone no more, Lil. “Since you can’t get up off your ass and answer the phone, “you can’t touch the phone. Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian. “No more phone for you. Your phone privileges are cut off. “I’m gonna write that down and put it on the fridge. “That’s the new rules in the house. “I’m gonna take the old rules off and put new rules up. “You gonna listen to me when I tell you to do something. “We gonna put new rules up. We gonna put rules up. Rules up. “Rules. Rules. “One, ‘Lillian cannot use the phone.’ “Two, ‘Lillian cannot…’ “Since you’re such a smart motherfucker, “you can’t go outside anymore either. “Cannot go outside ever again. “Now, put the rules up, Lillian. “You abide by my rules and my regulations, goddamn it. “And the rules say ‘No phone and no outside.’ “And I don’t give a fuck if the motherfucking house is burning down. “If I come home and a fireman putting the house out, I say: ‘How you find out the house was burning?’ ‘We got a call from your wife,’ I kick your motherfucking ass. “You’re in this house to stay! You’ll burn up in this motherfucker. “No, Lillian, where you going? Didn’t I just say you couldn’t go no place? “How the hell you gonna go somewhere…? “You’re not going to Shirley’s house to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno. “Take your coat off. No, you can’t go no place because I said so. “The rules say ‘no outside.’ I know you wanna leave, that’s why you can’t go. “You better call and tell her you’re not coming. “You can’t use my phone. “I don’t know. You better lift up the window “and scream your motherfucking head off. “But you’re not… I don’t give… “You’re not going no place. You’re not going no place. “Because I know you wanna leave. That’s why. I know you wanna leave. “I know you wanna leave.” I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings old Motown songs to you in his argument, fucks up the lyrics and thinks he’s saying it right. “I know you wanna leave me “But I refuse to let you go, Lillian” Then he fuck up, think he’s saying it right. “If I have to beg and plead Do the symphony “I don’t mind because it means That much to me “You’re not going no place. “You be right here in this motherfucker, Lil. “Watching the ships roll in “Then you watch them Roll away again “Lillian “Because I put the rules up. Like Diana Ross say, “It’s my house I live here “And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian: En my casa, I… Yo vivo aqui “This is my house! I don’t give a fuck! “Do you hear this phone? I’m gonna answer, because I know it’s Shirley. “And you not supposed to let a phone ring for a half-hour. “You let it ring two or three times and hang it up. “That’s a lonely bitch at the end of that line. I’m gonna tell her. “Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever let my phone ring like this again… “Shir…? What’s wrong…? Hey, what’s wrong with you? “What you crying about? Eddie, what’s…? “Eddie, what’s wrong with you? “What? You had a fight?! Lillian, get my pistol. “Who you have a fight with? “What? A disco? With Deney Terrio? “Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio? “And Jimmie Walker? And your lips? And you shot… “What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight in a disco with Deney Terrio “and shot Jimmie Walker. “He shot him in the lips, Lil. “Eddie, why’d you shoot Jimmie Walker in his lips? “I like Good Times. “Oh, you took a shot in your lips? “And you look like Jimmie Walker? Oh, that’d do it. “Who punched you in the lips? Italian? For what? “What you mean ‘nothing’? Nobody get punched for nothing. What’d you do? “Don’t tell me ‘nothing’. You had to do something. “What did you do? No, don’t tell me ‘nothing’. “Nobody gets punched for nothing. What…? Eddie… “No, don’t say ‘nothing’. Eddie. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing “Had to do something “Motherfucker punched you in the mouth “Now, what did you do? What? “Eddie. No… Eddie, then it’s something that you did a long time ago. “Didn’t I always tell you, you reap what you sow? Yes. “What goes around comes around, Eddie. “Yes, that’s why that man punch you in your mouth tonight, “for something you did a long time ago. “Yes, Eddie. Well, you give what you get. “You get what you give. That’s why that man… “Eddie. What do you mean, you don’t remember what you did? “He probably punched you for something you did “when you was living here. “I didn’t catch everything that you did. I worked all day, you played all day. “Eddie, who broke that lamp in 1971? “It was you! Yes, it was. That’s why that man kick your ass tonight. “I’d appreciate if you go up and tell him that your father says ‘Thank you.’ “Save me a trip to California. Because you never respect me. “You never listen to what I tell you to do. “I put rules on the refrigerator and you never obey my rules. “Me and your mother want respect. “You, Charlie and Vernon could not respect me and your mother. “All we wanted was some respect. All we asked for was a little respect. “How come you can’t respect me? How come? “I’m a man. I want respect. I want respect, Eddie. “What we want Baby, you got it “What we need I know you got it “Because all I’m asking “ls for a little respect, motherfucker “When you come on home, baby Hold on a minute. “The kiss is sweeter than honey “R-E-S-Z-C-P Find out what you mean to me “R-E-C-C-T-T-P “Motherfucker, you know how to spell it! “Respect. You never had no respect for me, Eddie. “That’s why the man kick your ass. And when I was a child, “I respect my parents. And we didn’t have shit. Okay? “I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers and sisters didn’t have shit. “I had 11 brothers and sisters, Eddie. My father made 13 cents a week. “He worked at the Coleco toy factory, Eddie, and made 13 cents a week. “That’s not a lot of money when you have 11 children. “We didn’t have all the fancy things like you, Charlie and Vernon. “We didn’t have fancy luxuries like food. “What the fuck you gonna eat on 13 cents a week? “We had to eat whatever my father brought home from work. “We ate the toys, Eddie. “We ate the toys and we never complained, “because my mother could cook her ass off. “My mother get some hot sauce and some salt and pepper, “make a Tonka truck taste so delicious. “The wheels will melt in your mouth, Eddie. “And you appreciate it. You never complained. “It was all for one and one for all. We stuck together. “I only hurt my brothers and sisters once. “I came home from school and my mother had made “a birthday feast for my father. “She had cooked and slaved over the stove all day “and made enough food for 13 people to feast on “for my father for his birthday and I sat down and ate it all by myself. “I ate it all, Eddie, by myself. And my father came inside the kitchen, “put his little birthday hat on and he looked at all the children. “He had a tear in his eye and he said, ‘Which one of you kids sat down ‘and ate a whole fucking game of Monopoly by yourself?’ “And I ate it all, Eddie! “Boardwalk, Park Place, Illinois Avenue, “the shoe, the boat, the hat, the cannon, “Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax, “Eddie, I even ate those cheap purple motherfuckers after ‘Go’… “…that nobody buys. I ate them. “I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue. Yes, I did. “I did, and I sat down and ate my father’s birthday cake too. “No, we couldn’t afford a cake. “It was two Etch-A-Sketches on top of each other. “Two Etch… Etch-A-Sketch cake. That’s right. “We couldn’t afford no icing, “so my mother would write ‘Happy Birthday Pop’ on the Etch-A-Sketch. “Know how you made a wish? You shook it till the words disappeared, “then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch. “And that was your birthday cake. And we never complained. “We were happy to get that. All for one and one for all. “We would get dressed to go to school. Let me tell you about our clothes. “We had to wear whatever my father brought home from work, Eddie. “We wore the toys! “Each day my mother would wake up and open 11 Twister games, Eddie. “She would roll the Twister mats on the floor. “Me and my 11 brothers and sisters “would wrap the Twister mats around our body like a suit. “Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack and put that around our waist as a belt. “And if there was no Hot Wheels, we used Johnny Lightning. “And if there was no Johnny Lightning, we ripped up a Hula Hoop “and put that around our waist. But we went to school, goddamn it. “Other children would make fun of us because we got on Twister suits. “And it’s no fun to get your ass kicked in a Twister mat. “Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie. It was a goddamn game to these kids. “I’m standing on the corner, “a motherfucker is spinning the spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie. “Then I gotta go to school and watch the other children eat real food. “I gotta watch them eat peanut butter and jelly, bologna and Swiss, “ham and cheese. I got a goddamn Silly Putty sandwich. “Then, for dessert, they’re gonna pull out a Hostess cupcake “and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky? “A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie, I ate so many Slinkys, “every time I hear the motherfucking Slinky song, “it make me sick to my stomach. “They walk downstairs Alone and in pairs “And make a clinkety sound “A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing Everyone knows it’s Slinky “A Slinky, a Slinky A wonderful, wonderful toy “A Slinky, a Slinky They’re fun for a girl and a boy” Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Cedric the Entertainer: Live from the Ville (2016) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/cedric-the-entertainer-live-from-the-ville-transcript/

[slow jazz music playing] [Ice Cube] He one of the OGs, one of the all-time greats. He can make you laugh with a look. [Jimmie Walker] He is a legend in the stand-up game. [Chris Rock] Yes. [Jerry Seinfeld] He’s so good. He’s completely unique. I love the guy. [Rock] The hardest gig I ever did was following Cedric the Entertainer on New Year’s Eve in Oakland. [Ice Cube] Talented, gifted, naturally funny. [Rock] As good as it gets. [whistle blows] [band playing] [Announcer] Give it up for the Tennessee State marching band! [audience cheering] Give it up for Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric Give it up for Ced, Cedric The Entertainer – Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced, Cedric Give it up for Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – The Entertainer – Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric – The Entertainer [trumpets blasting] [whistle blows] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Cedric the Entertainer! [audience cheering] [woman shouting] [cheering continues] Wassup? [cheering continues] – [audience whooping] Nashville. Cashville. What up, y’all? [cheering continues] Yay! Yeah, man. Hey, how y’all doing? I feel y’all. Go and have a seat. How y’all doing, man? Y’all gotta give up for that TSU band. Let ’em hear it. [audience cheering, whooping] – That shit wore me out. [audience laughing] I only did the last two minutes of the dance. I’m-a-be like this. [audience laughing] They let you know, boy. Gotta get in shape, man. Try to do it. I’m gonna be breathing, with an “F.” I had a “bref,” my “bref” was… – Oh, my “bref.” – [audience laughing] Man, I see y’all too, looking good. What up? [audience cheering, whistling] Laid up in here too, I saw. Player with all white on, I see you, pimp. You know it. Any of you know how to eat barbecue like this? [audience laughing] Tell your mama Rufus stopped by. Look at this, man. It’s good. I was joking about getting in shape, but that shit is real. You gotta do that. That’s the latest thing. Everybody gotta lose weight. I got all the equipment at my house. I don’t do none of it. I got everything you can order on the infomercial. I got so much equipment, my neighbors come and work out. I got my own… sell my own gym membership. “Y’all come in.” There’s some towels, cucumber water. Go on, enjoy yourself, John. “I ain’t using none of that shit. Go on in.” Gotta try to do it. I had to do something. I’m walking down the street. This lady sees me, a little white lady. She got a little daughter. She sees me. “Oh, my God.” I can’t believe it’s you. Can we take a picture?” “Of course!” She talking about, “Thank you, CeeLo!” [audience laughing] C-CeeLo? Uh, bitch… Fuck you! And little girl… Fuck you too! I ain’t no goddamn CeeLo. Shit. I walked right into a cycling class, n i g g a. [chuckles] Shit, man. I gotta do something. Everybody losin’ weight in Hollywood. All my partners. Ain’t nobody call me and tell me nothing. I’m like the last fat brother in Hollywood. Anthony Anderson lost weight. He ain’t called me to tell me. Rick Ross lost weight. The Boss, he’s… [grunts forcefully] He all skinny as hell, like, “Eh.” Al Roker, Al Sharpton. You know, Al Sharpton lost too much goddamn weight though. Al Sharpton lost neck weight. His head look like a damn bobblehead. Like Al, you can’t lose neck weight. You can’t have no perm and no little-ass neck like that. That combination don’t go together, Al, is what I’m trying to say. Come out here feeling good, man. Lookin’ good. Everybody all spiffy. [woman] Whoo! -I like that. I like to get G’d up. We from that… – We from that generation. – [Audience] Yeah! I notice how the new kids are dressing. They ain’t really give a shit about clothes no more. They don’t really give a shit. Especially boys. The thing is, I ain’t trying to say they style is… It’s for their generation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little asexual. All the little long-ass T-shirts n i g g a s is wearing now. One little boy, his shirt was so long, he had a train on the back. I’m like, “Where’s the reception, motherfucker? Shit.” I think it started with skinny jeans. – [audience agreeing] – You know what I mean. The jegging kind, the real super-skinny ones. I ain’t trying to say skinny jeans gay. I don’t know that to be true. What I’m sayin’ is, it’s a gateway apparel. [audience laughing] It leads to other gay articles of clothing is what I’m saying. ‘Cause there ain’t no time should a dude ever be putting their jeans on like this. Never! Ever. Sagging. That shit went too far. I used to get sagging. When it first came out, I understood it, because that’s when new designer underwear came on the scene. So you want to let somebody know that he Tommy Hilfiger, that he Gucci. “Look, these ain’t no regular Fruit of the Looms is what I got on.” I got that. Now these dudes got they pants all up under they ass and shit. I saw one little boy, didn’t have his pants on. That n i g g a had his shit on his shoulders. “It’s that new, Ced. We don’t even wear our shit no more, man. We just carry it with us in case we gotta run in somewhere, man.” It’s a trip, man. They music has changed too, boy. That young music. I like rap, all kinds of rap, but rap got so aggressive now, man. Like when we came up, it used to be sexual innuendo. They might be talkin’ about something. You had to figure it out. “Oh, okay.” Y’all heard “Down in the DM”? They ain’t got time for that shit. It go down in the DM, it go down It go down in the DM, it go down Snapchat me that pussy Oh, whoa! Whoa! Ooh, Jesus. Or FaceTime me that pussy if it’s cool What did they… On the record? That’s on the radio right now. When I first heard it, I ain’t know what Snapchat was. I thought he said, “Snatch at me that pussy.” I said that is pretty aggressive with all this Bill Cosby stuff goin’ on right now. “I don’t think you wanna be snatching at nobody’s pussy like that now.” They were like, “No, Ced, it’s Snapchat. It’s Snapchat.” That’s an app. I don’t know if y’all know this. That’s a little app. It’s what all the kids on right now. And you can take a picture of your pussy, now, okay? And you can put it up on the Internet, and it will disappear like a snowflake. Okay? It will be gone. So whenever you bored and you just feel like doin’ something… Snapchat your pussy on out there! Snapchat your pussy. All the way. It’s fine. I ain’t know what it was. Soon as I heard you can do that shit, I downloaded that app immediately. I would be ridin’ around in my car, lookin’ at the app now and then. Ain’t nobody Snapchat on mine. I ain’t got no… I don’t know how this work. Don’t nobody put none on mine. “Snapchat me that pussy.” All they little songs. I like all rap. Fetty Wap. That’s another rapper had a big hit. Fetty Wap. Big rapper. Y’all know Fetty Wap. That’s the rapper with one eye. Fetty Wap had a little accident earlier in the year where he was on a motorcycle. And I was thinkin’ to myself, “You know what, Fetty Wap? – “Uh…” [audience laughing] “Your head got one eye.” You might not wanna be on no goddamn motorcycle. You gotta have your peripheral when you on a goddamn motorcycle. You can’t turn all way left, n i g g a, every time you tryin’ to turn. “Stay off goddamn motorcycles, okay? With love.” But he dope though. I like him ’cause he got a melodic kind of rap style. It’s got melody to it, but out of nowhere, it’ll turn into some gangsta shit. So it be a love song, and then out of nowhere, it be a tragedy. So it like a Fetty Wapera, if you will. Fetty Wap be like, Baby, won’t you come my way Tell me what you want to say But first off I’m gonna start by saying this: Ay Two head shots if you try to take my bitch Like, whoa! Whoa, what just happened there? You know. That is mighty aggressive, Fetty Wap. I just saying she looked nice in her dress. I don’t think I deserve two shots in the damn head for that, you know. I don’t think the crime fits the punishment. Even the girls are aggressive. I heard the most aggressive language I’ve heard in a record this year came from a little girl. I’m riding in the car with my 12-year-old daughter. She’s singing along. All of a sudden, this girl say the most craziest shit I ever heard in a song. She like, You gotta eat the booty like groceries Now wait. What? Ooh, Lord, where’s Yolanda Adams when you need her? “You gotta eat the booty like groceries”? Don’t get me wrong, I’m over 40, so I’m willing to participate is what I’m saying… I just need to know how much groceries we talkin’ about right now. Is it ten items or less or… Or are we talking Costco’s, now, ’cause I think… Somebody yell up here, “Come on, help me with the groceries!” That’s too much goddamn groceries. I can’t… I can’t eat that much groceries. All these little songs, man. They got songs that be making dudes… Gotta get your manhood together. Like Rihanna little song. I turn that off every time it come on. I can’t listen. ‘Cause it make you do some bullshit. You a grown man. You came here. Let me see you work, work, work, work, work Why the fuck am I doin’ this right now? Unh-unh. Rihanna always got songs like that. She always tripping. ‘Cause her other song last year was a scary song to me. Shine bright like a diamond Shine bright like a diamond I’m like, “Is she a little witch? What the hell is she doing?” Scary-ass little song. Shine bright like a diamond I ain’t like that song. That song scares me. I live out in the mountains. I came home one night and our lights was off at the house. Right when I was parking to go in, that song came on. Shine bright like a diamond I think I’ll stay in the car till morning. I was like, “Unh-unh.” No, this how a motherfucker get killed. I ain’t ready to get out the damn car.” Scary-ass song. Beyonc, she another one. She’s been killing the game. – Everybody know the Lemonade shit. – [women in audience shouting] Look at the ladies, ladies get it. Dudes like, “I don’t get it.” Lemonade got too much tea in it for me. She telling too much of her goddamn business. Thing is, you know, she’s just dope like that though. Beyonc, she kinda got like songs that’s always empowerment. She do make people mad one way or the other. She made me mad when she had that song about the elevator, when she talking about Jay Z and Solange fighting on the elevator. I was mad ’cause she was goin’ all off about the elevator shit. When I think about it, it’s been a couple of hard years for elevators in general. I just don’t trust elevators the way I used to. You remember, the whole Ray Rice shit… That happened on the elevator. Then Beyonc and Solange, they was lookin’ for Jay Z on the elevator. And I was checkin’ into the hotel today, the manager asks me, “We got you in the best room on the top floor.” I said, “Oh, no.” No, no. What y’all got by the gift shop, my n i g g a? I ain’t trying… I ain’t tryin’ to go up no goddamn elevator. I already know “what happens in elevators, and I ain’t goin’ up on one.” Beyonc cool. She dope with it though. That’s the thing about it. She be writing all these women empowerment songs that be so beautiful. She talented, she sexy, she good to look at. That’s why she confuse dudes, ’cause we like lookin’ at her, but then her songs be dope, and they be good songs. You be, “Man, we ain’t supposed to be singing this part.” But she will have you out there, you know? Like now, if I went… We be all night [audience singing response] There better not be one dude in this motherfucker talkin’ about… [vocalizing] N i g g a, that ain’t your part, player. You cannot… [repeating vocalization] You gotta wait on Jay Z like everybody else. I do think up this shit, if I do say so myself That’s us. That’s where we come in. We cannot… [repeating vocalization] The trip is that nowadays, certain shit be gay, we didn’t even know it. You be, “That’s gay now?” “Yeah, that’s gay. You can’t do that no more.” Little shit like, dudes, you can’t be talkin’ to another dude on the phone and hung up talkin’ about “bye-bye.” [audience laughing] That’s gay, man. We can’t say “bye-bye” to another dude, dawg. Trip, man. Being a father… And I was talkin’ about all the young kids with their communicating right there. ‘Cause I’ve been married 16 years, man. I been trying. My wife still be tryin’ to keep a hot thing, yeah. My baby, she a good babe too. We be tryin’ to keep the shit fresh. So I be tryin’ to do the Snapchat, and the keep it sexy, you know. I tried sexting, that’s what I tried to do. I want sex. I’m on my way home one day. “Hey, girl. Daddy ’bout to pull up.” [chuckles] “I might wanna dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.” You know? [giggles] She go text me back, “Pick up some bread.” [audience laughing] You know what? You ain’t put no water splash emoji on there or nothing. Just “get some goddamn bread.” Really? Trying, man. We trying to raise these kids. We got all the generations. I got three kids. I got one kid, 26. She was in college a couple years. She fuck around. Fuck around. You know. Bullshit. You in college. Bullshit. C’s, D’s. She wasn’t serious. Because she my daughter, she expect to ball though. She wanna ball out. She gonna hit me up the other day, “Daddy, would you buy me the new Camaro?” I’m like, “What?” “Yeah, I want you to get me the new Camaro.” “The new Camaro? You know, that’s more like A-student shit right there.” You more like used Hyundai or something like that, the area you in. What I supposed to put on my bumper sticker? “My daughter doin’ a’ight, n i g g a.” “CSU? N i g g a, no.” Get you one of them hoverboards, you can go to the club in one of them. “Pull up, goddamn.” My son, 15. Now he on the swim team. You know, the swim… They be getting you into different kind of shape. All of a sudden, my son out of nowhere got all shoulders and chest. He walkin’ in the house one day. “What up, Dad?” I say, “Oh, no, you wanna put all that shit up when you walk in the house.” Put them shoulders in the closet, put your chest in the drawer.” I ain’t gonna have all this walk around my goddamn house. Little bitty scrawny ass motherfucker walk around. “What up, Dad?” “No, n i g g a, put all that up right now. Hang those shoulders on a hanger and put ’em in the closet.” See, he 15, you know, now, he try to start dating a little bit. The thing about my son, he like the little mix girls. He like the girls half black, half white. Little curly hair, that’s his thing. He gonna go out on a date, he tell me take them to the movies. I’m like, “Cool.” He hopped in the backseat with her. I’m like… “When the hell I turn into a Uber driver, goddamn?” I’m Ced the damn Entertainer. Somebody better get up here with me. “I ain’t get ready to be driving y’all like that now, shit.” She a cute little mixed girl. They come back to the house. She like, “Let’s go to your room and close the door.” I’m like, “Oh, whoa.” I say, “Son, that’s the white 15 right there that’s talking.” You don’t get to do that ’round here. “You don’t get to close damn doors and shit, no.” She’s like, “You tell Cedric it’s your room. You can do that if you want to.” I’m like… “Tell Cedric”? “Bitch, when you say my name, put some respect on that shit.” [audience cheering] “Put some respect on it.” I ain’t gonna say it no more. “Now, is we finished or is we done?” Okay. I’ll trill y’all, shit. Put some respect on my shit. “Tell Cedric.” What? The truth is they are your little kids. And they yours, you been raising them, but you realize your kids do things you do that you didn’t really think you taught them, but you gotta deal with it now. Like the other day, they called me up to my son’s school, told me my little boy was up there cussing. I said, “What?” They’re like, “Yeah, he here cussing in the school.” I’m like, “My little boy?” They like, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no, you know. What did he say?” They were like, “He said, ‘Shit, damn.'” I’m like, “‘Shit, damn’? In that order?” They say, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no. That means the little white kids are influencing my son, you know. I mean, hey, he say ‘motherfucker’ or ‘Fuck that shit, dawg’ or ‘We ’bout to blow this bitch up.’ Or something like that, I would have taken responsibility. Everybody know that ‘Shit, damn’ is not a part of our culture, okay? “So… thank you so much, okay?” I’m gonna hop right on top of that. I don’t want my son growing up being no dyslexic cusser like that. “Shit, damn.” So I’m walkin’ him to the car, mad about the wrong thing. I’m walking him to the car. “‘Shit, damn.'” Really? ‘Shit, damn.’ I’m one of the original Kings of Comedy and you up in here talkin’ ’bout some ‘shit, damn, damn.’ Get your ass in the car! “You know how to cuss.” So you can see where my parenting skills are off a little bit. You can understand. “Shit, damn.” Shit is embarrassing. My little daughter, she 12. She real intelligent though. She be asking you questions you can’t answer. We had people over. I’m there. We doin’ grown-up shit. We got a little wine goin’. We in the kitchen laughing, talking. Got company. She gonna walk in. “Daddy, do animals commit suicide?” “What?” Come on, don’t do me like that. You see these damn people over here. Don’t be asking me shit like that. I ain’t thought of that before. Do animals commit suicide? Google it. Shit. Google the shit. I don’t know. “Maybe. Maybe, you know.” You ever thought about it? Maybe though. Maybe? You ever see a possum dead on the side of the road? You ever think that maybe that possum just was… tired of being a possum? N i g g a just… hanging out with the other possums, like, “You know what?” “I don’t even give a fuck no more, dawg.” [audience laughing] The other possum like, “Don’t walk out on the street, Daryl.” “You can’t tell me what to do, Wayne.” I mean, I’m ugly. Don’t nobody like us. “Fuck it.” [imitates horn honking, body thudding] It got ran over by a Crown Vic on 26th, this n i g g a. Possums standing over him. “He deader than a motherfucker.” They all like, How do I Say good-bye? “Oh, that dawg, man. We loved Daryl.” Give your kids a goldfish. Have it in that little tank on the dresser. Leave for two days. Come back. Goldfish on the dresser, dead. That’s suicide, isn’t it? That goldfish knew there wasn’t no water outside that tank. But he swim around that tank for two days like, “Man, this some bullshit, man.” I’m a fish. I know I ain’t supposed to go in no circle for three damn days. “You know, that treasure chest ain’t even got shit in it. Fuck it.” [grunts] [audience laughing] [woman cackling] Dead. On your dresser. Suicide. Know them bugs that run into your windshield when you driving the highway? Them bugs know what they doing, n i g g a. That’s jihad. Them bugs see your car lights. They like, “For the love of Allah!” Suicide. Wow, last year, man. So much shit going on. Crazy shit in the news. I saw this shit on the news. Threw me off. This lady, 55, just had a baby. I was like, “Damn. That’s pretty late be havin’ a damn baby.” But don’t get me wrong, if you 55 and wanna have a baby, go on ahead, have a damn baby. I just find it rude and inconsiderate, personally. You gotta think about this. You 55. That means she already got kids that got kids. When they go visit grandmama, they gotta deal with their little aunt or uncle. You gotta be thinkin’ about it. That gotta be fucked up. You eight, nine. You go to your grandmama’s house to go play… Here come this little motherfucker, “Hey, unh-unh, whoa, whoa!” Where you think you goin’? No, pick me up, take me upstairs and change my diaper. Then you can go outside. I’m sorry, what? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, goddamn it, shit. Put that on Disney Channel, put something in my sippy cup, then you can go outside, but other than that… come again? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, motherfucker. Your mama’s my sister. Respect the hierarchy around here, shit. “Don’t give a damn how old I am.” Fucking little-ass uncle. What a trip, man. Saw this shit too. I saw Lamar Odom… God bless Lamar Odom. I’m glad I saw him. He doin’ a’ight, but that was a little scary. The scary thing… it let me know I’d been out the game for a long time. Scary thing, I was glad he was all right, but when shit hit the news, told me he had spent $75,000 for two chicks, I was like, “Ooh! When I was…” I kinda… I kinda been out of the game for a while. This n i g g a seemed to raise the Blue Book on these bitches right here. N i g g a, that’s… That’s… “That’s pretty expensive.” As soon as he did that, at your local strip club, all the girls went up. They heard them girls got 35,000 a piece. They was like, “Unh-unh, table dances…” Table dances is $80, Latrell.” [audience laughing] That my black stripper dance right here. [audience laughing] [audience laughing continues] You be, “Hey, baby, let me get a piece of gum.” “I ain’t chewing no gum.” “Wait. You not chewing gum right now?” “No, motherfucker… This how you do the dance, n i g g a.” “So you sayin’ you not chewing gum right now.” “No, motherfucker, I’m in my job. Do you chew gum at your job?” [audience laughing] All I know is that shit make me want some gum like a motherfucker. [chuckles] That’s the difference too. ‘Cause you go down South, they got that shake-a-booty style. I live in LA. They got the more corporate strip club… It’s all about the up-top game. There, the girl’s like, “Oh, my God, how are you?” Yeah. Yeah. “Yeah, you like that? You like that?” “Uh, no, not really, baby.” Brothers, we be wanting that goddamn bass, n i g g a. You go there, you be seeing… You come down here… I went to Atlanta one time, saw a girl… Her ass was so fat, I thought I had on 3-D glasses, n i g g a. I was, “Ooh!” Ooh, I gotta take these off! That’s too close. “Ooh, that’s givin’ me a headache. Is that too close for you?” I can’t wear these. I can’t wear these and look at her. ‘Cause they got that shake-a-booty style. That style right there. You ever notice, once you a stripper and do the shake-a-booty style, you can’t stop doing it. Anybody know somebody that used to strip and don’t no more? They’ll just do this shit in regular life sometimes. They be at the bank about to cash their check. You be behind them with your check like… “You know what, give me that in all ones, my n i g g a, a’ight? I didn’t know y’all was doing it like that up in here today.” They’re doing it big. No, it’s a condition. They don’t know they doing it. It’s something like stripper Tourette’s. The stripper Tourette’s. You don’t know you’re doing it. You don’t strip no more. You have moved on in life. You got your real estate license and everything, you know. [mumbles] But don’t let your song happen to come on. It’s just a… You can’t help it. Even in your mind you might hear your song and just do stripper shit. They be about to check out at the grocery lane and don’t even know they doing stripper shit. Boop. [dance music] Boop. Boop. “Excuse me. These two-for-one? “That’s what I thought. Okay.” Boop. Boop. “Twan, put that down. You can’t have that. Unh-unh.” [dance music continues] – “Y’all take coupons?” Oh, good. I’m about to make it rain in this motherfucker.” I’m-a drop it down, pick it up Twerk this ass Just make sure you be throwing the cash And make the rain come down Rain come down And make the rain come down Rain come down [chuckling] Little kid’s like, “Mama, what is you doing?” Like, “Ooh, baby. Mama got to get home and take a No-strip-itol.” I got to take… 400 milligrams of No-strip-itol. I’ve got a condition. “I need my medication.” I’m feeling good, man. I just had a birthday. [cheering, applauding] Wow, man. You get old and you don’t even realize it. You feel good. But when you get older, you know you getting older ’cause old shit happen to you. Like, in your mind, you still young. But then you be doing regular life and some old shit happen to you, like, “Ooh, I’m older than a mofo.” Like you be pouring cereal and your knee go out. “Oh! Shit.” Mmm. I’m gonna have to stop fucking with these Honey Nut Cheerios, n i g g a… “if that’s going to happen every time.” Dude, we got one little move that we know we old. When we can’t just step into the car no more. You know your ass old when you leave like this. “All right, I’m gonna holler at y’all.” “Tell you mama Roosevelt came by here.” Your ass old, n i g g a. I know I’m old ’cause I got old-ass friends. It ain’t got shit to do with me. I feel good, but my friends be old and doing old shit. I’m like, “Damn. I’m one of y’all, ain’t I?” Idiots in the club arguing over blood pressure medicine and shit. “Would you stop talking about your damn prescriptions in the club?” We at a club, my boy taking his pills, girl walk up to him, “Is that a Molly? Can I get one?” I’m like, “Girl, you better not take that shit right there.” Your goddamn glucose level’s gonna go up so high. Don’t. No. No. Don’t. “Don’t take that shit he on, baby.” My boy, he’s trying to be hip. He trying to be on social media. His old ass. Talking about “Follow me @Willy Earl.” [laughs] Man, ain’t nobody gonna follow nobody named Mr. Willy Earl on goddamn Instagram. Goddamn. Mr. Willy Earl. He in the club with some damn shape-ups on. So every time he stop, he just rocking for no reason, n i g g a. “Man, there’s a few of them in here tonight, ain’t it?” “N i g g a, if you don’t stop all that damn rocking.” “I can’t help it. It’s the shoes, you know. Joe Montana wear these right here.” He’s 60-something. He won’t tell us how old he is. He had downloaded his damn… He got an iPhone 6 and downloaded his music on there for ringtones. I’m like, “Willy Earl”, come on, man, don’t put those old-ass records on there, man.” A ringtone for young people, man. You ain’t supposed to… When your phone rings, it supposed to be some cool shit come on. Fuck up some commas Fuck up some commas, yeah Sure enough, we in a club, this motherfucker’s phone rings. Sit yourself down, girl, and talk to me Let’s straighten it out Like, “N i g g a, is that Latimore on your damn phone?” I ain’t know you could download Latimore, man.” He gonna answer his phone, “Hello. This is Willy Earl.” Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Where did you find me? “On WillyEarl.com? Okay, thank you.” Oh, damn old ass. Like I say, he’s 60-something, man, but he got a girlfriend like 28, 29. [audience cheering] He be bragging too, like, “Hey, boy, hey.” [chuckles] “Hey, boy, I’m still out there in the game, boy, you know?” I’m picking ’em up and I’m putting ’em down. I get it like I live. You know? “I told the bitch ‘If I got four quarters, I couldn’t call it.’ You know?” He trying to keep up with that young-ass girl. He got a pocketful of Viagras and Cialis and Levitras. N i g g a just eating them all day like they sunflower seeds. “I’ll stay ready so I ain’t got to get ready.” [laughs] He be offering them to you like they Altoids. “You want a Cialis, my n i g g a?” No? All right.” I caught him one day with a Cialis sweetheart necklace on. “Trying to find one of my Levitras.” Got this damn election going on. Boy. Goddamn Donald Trump, man. He’s an ignorant little motherfucker. Like he’s been eating Cheetos and just rubbed it on his face. I ain’t never seen a tan that goddamn orange. This fool talking about he gonna build a wall to stop the Mexicans from coming in. Come on, Donald. Nobody gonna stop no damn people from Mexico with no damn wall. We already see El Chapo. We know they doing tunnels already. Plus, I just was in Mexico. They heard we were gonna build a wall. Everybody in Mexico practicing already, getting ready to come here. Everybody heard we were building a wall. They down there getting ready. As soon as we build a wall, everybody learning how to pole vault. What a wall gonna be… 15-, 16-feet tall? Them n i g g a s on the other side of the wall like this. rale! “17’2″, motherfucker!” He’s on the other side like, “Throw the stick back, homes! Fucking Hector, you took the stick with you, bro.” This motherfucker here. And I don’t know who be voting for him. Anybody in here… A show of hands. Who be voting for Donald Trump? Anybody? Nobody ever say it. One motherfucker. There’s Trump. There go Trump, dude. There’s got to be one. Every time he win, it be a thousand people voting for Trump. And I’d be like, “Who the fuck?” ‘Cause every time I see he won, it’s just surprising as like seeing your one girl cousin that dress like a boy, but she show up at the family reunion pregnant. Everybody like, “Who the fuck is fucking Mr. Cynthia?” I can’t figure it out. Who? I think Hillary want to win just so she can get Bill back. She going to be in the Oval Office with somebody under her desk, n i g g a, like, “I’m the captain now! Look at me. I’m the captain now.” Everybody think they can do what Barack did, man. They gonna come in and just try to do their job. Barack did his thing, man. – [cheering] – Barack did his thing, man. As the president, if they keep fucking with him, I don’t know if he gonna make it all the way to the end. Barack might quit like that black lady did on the news. Remember? Wake up one day, go, “Fuck this shit! I ain’t going through this shit.” Just leave. I know he ain’t gonna put on no suit that last day. That last day, Barack ain’t gonna put on no suit. He gonna walk to that helicopter in Jordan flip-flops with his hat backwards, wave cap on, n i g g a. “Michelle, Sasha, Malia, y’all coming? Oh, get some of those sheets. I like that thread count on that shit.” I don’t know why they be messing with that man like that, man. Barack, he the only one who really could have been the first black president. For real. Look around. I mean, look at yourselves. Come on, now. We like to fight too much. Everybody in this room be like… We can’t have nobody say shit about us. Barack be holding that shit in. Every now and then, that negro do show up though. Black people see it. We see it first. We like, “Ooh, there it is. He about to trip.” Not long ago, he was talking about I’ve done all I can do with this and that. “Right, ’cause you can’t go again!” Barack was like, “Because I won ’em all, fuck, boy, pussy.” You got to listen to the tape slow. You got to play it real slow. “Fuck, boy, pussy, n i g g a, I won everything. Just saying.” Like, damn, Barack. Motherfucking thug. I don’t know why they be talking about he soft. Barack been taken some serious folks out. I’m talking about Osama bin Laden, merked. Muammar Gaddafi, merked. All the Somalia pirates, done. Shit. Barack got to fuck around and get some tattoo tears, n i g g a, shit. He the only president in the US history looking like Kevin Gates over there. I got two phones Thug, dawg. I like coming down South too, man. Somebody ask me, “Why you do your special in Nashville, Ced?” I’m, like, “What?” Nashville’s the city, man. – Y’all know it. [cheering] Burning up all this energy right here. All these dope colleges down here, man. ‘Cause you got energy, man. People ain’t know that. They gonna see it on this special. They gonna see it though. They gonna be like, “Damn! I ain’t know it be popping like that.” – Yeah, man! [cheering] The city’s known for country music. That’s what everybody kind of think. It’s about the country music down here. And I like country music. Don’t get me wrong. Some of ’em really got hot. And it got interesting too. Like, I’m in my room in the hotel not too long ago… A couple years back, I hear a country western song come on with hip-hop language in it. Shit threw me off. I’m in my room chillin’… Y’all heard of “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”? This is a real goddamn song, man. I’m in my room and that shit goin’ in, dawg. I’m in my room chillin’. She was a honky tonk badonkadonk You don’t have to knows it She got me goin’ She got it goin’ on Like Donkey Kong N i g g a, I be in my room line dancing like a mother. Swear to God. Didn’t even know I was doing the shit, dawg. I caught myself in the mirror, n i g g a, just… That’s the other thing too… You be down South, you get outside, like, the city limit you get into that little country area, you’ll run into some of them good old boys out there, man. They be corn-fed, cock-strong motherfucking boys. Been lifting baby bulls since they was six-years-old and shit. Be strong as hell. They daddy be like, “Trevor, go put those baby bulls in my pickup truck.” “All right, Daddy.” [imitates mooing] Before they’re six, with one arm, throwing a bull up in a truck. [imitates mooing] And them mothers will fight your ass too. That’s the thing about it. Black people, we think just ’cause we born black we can beat up white dudes. In our minds, we like, “White boy, I’ll beat your motherfucking ass.” You better go on with that bullshit, boy.” You don’t do that shit in the country, man. Trying to tell you that shit ain’t gonna go like you think at all. That mofo be like, “Come on, son of a bitch!” Whoo! “Let’s go, bubba, let’s do it, baby!” You be like, “Everybody just need to calm down for a second. Listen.” Listen, is it Trevor? It’s Trevor, right? Is it Trevor? “Let me get you a beer, bro. Shit.” Fuck. I ain’t trying to get Bobby Boucher down this bitch. It’s totally different than black country. Black country is a whole ‘nother dialogue altogether. I got some country-ass cousins… It’s fast and it’s country and it all ran together. You don’t know what the fuck they be saying. I got a cousin excited to see me. Every time he see me, “Hey, coz.” Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Huh?” “Hey… [rapid babbling].” [rapid babbling continues] “Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Why you like… [rapid babbling]. [laughs] Goddamn it.” “What?” I’m gonna need closed captions for your ass, n i g g a. I don’t have… “I have no idea what you just said, motherfucker.” Trip is, I’m talking to one of my cousin’s friends, he talk faster than him. He walk up and introduce himself. “Charles Johnson. Everybody around here call me ‘Bominicious.'” Everybody around here call me Bominicious. It’s fine. “You call me that. Don’t even worry about it. Everybody call me Bominicious.” “Everybody call you ‘Bominicious'”? “Yeah, everybody in the whole city call me Bominicious. Don’t worry. You can call me that. Don’t worry about it.” “That’s what everybody calls you?” “Yeah, everybody calls me that.” So I’m like, “All right.” So all week long… my ass talking about, “Bominicious, what up, boy?” “Hey, Bominicious, you gonna come over here watch the game with us?” “Hey, Bominicious, run to the store, grab some beer, come on back.” My coz said, “What’d you call him?” “Bominicious. He said everybody called him Bominicious. It’s all right for me to call him that.” “No, man, his name is C.J.” He saying, “You can call me by my initials.” That’s what he saying. C.J. I been calling that boy Bominicious all week. “By my initials,” is what he’s saying. This shit is embarrassing. “Why you ain’t say nothing? You heard me call you Bominicious.” “I couldn’t understand you. I ain’t know what you talking about.” “You couldn’t understand me? Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I deserve that.” We had a little wild-ass year. We had a wild-ass year. Lot of little stars was getting, like, locked up in the last couple of years. Little Chris Brown in and out of jail. Little Chris Brown finally got it together. That mofo get locked up, get out of jail, get locked up, threw a rock at his mama’s car, went back to jail, got locked up. Little n i g g a gonna learn… These jails ain’t loyal, n i g g a Wesley Snipes had to go to jail couple of years ago. Passenger 57 was inmate 135267. He was locked up. Ron Isley had to go to jail. Even Mr. Bigg was in the big house. I heard somebody, “Oh, Lord. Jesus!” No, he fine, baby. He out. She go, “Oh, Lord!” No, he okay. He all right. Matter of fact, he in the studio right now doing a remix to Akon’s song “Locked Up.” But doing it Ron Isley style. So you know that shit buttery than a motherfucker, n i g g a. I’m locked up La da da da da da da Ooh, ooh, ooh Locked up Well, well, well, well, well La da da da La I was locked up I was locked up “Locked Up” remix. Buttery as hell. I been feeling good, man, you know. Trying, you know, to take care of yourself. Got to take care of yourself, man. You know, everybody all upset. Everybody all angry. The world is angry as hell, for good reason. Lot of bullshit going on out there. Like all this year, all the violence where police were killing kids. I got a little boy, man. I’m concerned about this shit. Like police will just shoot a little black kid. Same motherfucker will jump in a raging river to save a dog. That’s why every time my boy leave the house, I’m like, “Take the puppy with you, n i g g a. That’s all I know.” He’s walking around with a Yorkie on a goddamn key chain. “I’ll just take him with me.” All I know is black Labs’ lives matter, n i g g a. I’ve know that. I had to defend my dawg couple times in the year… Steve Harvey. I had to come to his defense. First, about the Miss Universe shit. Everybody was upset about it. I called him that night. I had to hit him with the Menace II Society. I’m like, “You know you fucked up, right?” You know you fucked up? “You fucked up. You fucked up.” But a couple of months before that, people was mad at him ’cause he put Paula Deen on his talk show, and everybody was mad, man. “Ced, why your boy got Paula Deen on the talk show?” First of all, it’s a talk show, motherfucker. Hold on. Somebody got to be on there talking. Give him a minute, you know. But I get it. I understand. Black people, we were mad ’cause Paula Deen, you know, real, on the low, we mad Paula Deen said the N-word. ‘Cause, on the low, we fucks with Paula Deen. ‘Cause Paula Deen cook the way we like shit. So it kind of hurt us when Paula Deen said the N-word at all. When Paula Deen be on TV, she like, “First, I’m gonna take some biscuits, then put them in the oven,” and I’m gonna take some butter and put that on top of there, and then take some bacon and crumble it on top and melt some cheese all over it. “And we’ll take some gravy and sop it up through there.” We be in the house like, “Oh, shit!” God damn, Paula Deen, that shit sounds good as a motherfucker there!” That’s why it hurt us when she said it. God damn, Paula Deen. When you think about it, anybody cook a sweet potato pie that good, got to say n i g g a every now and then, you know. But I ain’t talking about no egregious-ass shit. When you first taste it to make sure it’s good. You like, “N i g g a! Yeah.” N i g g a. Might want to get you a little piece of that right there, boy. N i g g a. “N i g g a.” Animals all mad and shit. So much shit going on, like, animals are upset. Rightly so. In Ohio, a couple of years ago, this dude had, like, a zoo at his house with real zoo animals. He got up one day and let ’em go in a regular-ass neighborhood. “Hyah! Get on out of here! Hyah! Hyah! Go on now!” That ain’t for black people right there, that shit. This n i g g a had lions and tigers and bears, oh, my! You know us. We scared when somebody’s dog get loose. I couldn’t even imagine walking through a Walmart parking lot and seeing a loose-ass lion. N i g g a, you like… “Is that a lion, n i g g a?” Don’t move! Don’t move! “I heard you ain’t supposed to move.” You be coming up with all kinds of shit. I don’t even know what you supposed to do you see a loose-ass lion. Somebody talk about “Run!” N i g g a, your ass can’t outrun no damn lion. I don’t know about y’all, but I would try to Jedi mind-trick that motherfucker. If I saw a loose-ass lion, I would turn into a lion tamer. That lion came at me, I’ll be like, “Ha! Sit, Abar!” I am Cedric! “Hup! Sit!” The lion would be looking at me, “Do I know you, motherfucker?” “I’m just trying not to get ate, Lion. Doing the best I can, you know.” Saw this shit on YouTube the other day. This lady was at the zoo and got kicked by a giraffe. I don’t know what your ass did to make a giraffe mad. Do you know how irritating your ass gotta be for a giraffe to haul off and kick the shit out of you? Giraffe is usually one of the cooler animals at the damn zoo. They all long and lanky. Be walking around like a ballplayer. They got the eyelashes that’s all fleek and shit, n i g g a. I don’t know what this lady said, but that giraffe had had enough of her ass. She up and said something, that giraffe went like, “Bitch, shut the fuck up!” But he knew he had fucked up, so that n i g g a ran off and shit. He tried to mix in with the other giraffes and shit. They going, “We see your ass, Dwayne.” You know damn well you weren’t supposed to kick that lady.” And chickens have had a hard couple of years. Ooh. It’s got to be rough if you a damn chicken when you think about it. ‘Cause chickens, man, we love damn chicken. So if you a chicken, you can’t be out on the farm making plans and shit. Talking about, “Yeah, I think next Saturday we should all get together” and go over to Reggie’s house…” N i g g a, you going to be 86ed Wednesday. Your ass ain’t gonna make it to goddamn Saturday. You gonna be on somebody’s grill, dawg. There’s been a lot of controversy around chicken. The last couple of years… It started with the Chick-fil-A man. The Chick-fil-A man didn’t want gay people to eat chicken. He made a statement and everything. “Your ass gay, don’t come over here and eat no motherfucking chicken.” I could be paraphrasing. I could be off a little bit. But I believe it’s an exact quote if you look it up. “Don’t bring your punk ass here to eat no goddamn chicken.” I could be off by a word or two, but I believe it’s somewhere right in there. He’s like, “Don’t bring your punk ass over here” try to eat no goddamn chicken up in here, is what I’m saying.” Damn, Chick-fil-A man, that’s aggressive. Black people, we had to deal with it a couple of years ago with, you know, Mary J. Blige. She ended up singing the chicken song for Burger King and that kind of offended us. Well, one, that’s a stereotype that we love chicken. You know. And we do. We just don’t want no motherfucker singing about that shit though. It’s already hard enough. We can’t eat watermelon at the company picnic, n i g g a. We be at the company picnic like, “You know damn well y’all waiting on me to get that goddamn watermelon. I ain’t doing that.” You like, “Trevor, put some watermelon on your plate” and bring that shit over here for me, man. “I ain’t doing that shit.” I wasn’t even really upset that Mary J. had sang about chicken. I was more upset that she Mary J. Bliged the shit more than anything. You ever hear the song? I want some chicken With lettuce Lettuce and cheese I want some chicken I’m like, “Mary, no, you didn’t just Mary J. that bitch like that.” When I found out she got paid $2 million to sing that song, I was like, “Shit.” Somebody going to ask me, “Ced, would you do that shit? Sell out like that for $2 million?” I’m like, “N i g g a, for $2 million”, I’ll sing the song as Mary J. Blige, n i g g a.” I’m talking about boots on and everything. Whole thing. $2 million. I’d sing the chicken national anthem so goddamn well. You’d look up, n i g g a, I’d be, Oh, say Can you see Order me a two-piece With some wings and some pie Oh, yes, I love me some Popeye And I love KFC Church’s really do please me. Hey, Nashville! That’s my time, man! I appreciate y’all. Cedric the Entertainer. Thank y’all for being here. A holler! [marching band playing] Thank y’all! Appreciate it. Give it up for Ced – Cedric – Give it up for Ced Damn, that’s hot. Give it up for Ced Cedric Bam! I’m center stage. I want to feel it right away. We can fire it up. Just get like… Give it up for Ced Does it make it weird? The Entertainer – I’m a great dancer. I was on Soul Train. [laughing] I like what’s happening, what’s goin’ on. [jazz music continues] Let’s check it out. Yeah, come up, rock, boom, boom. It’s a lot of choreography. Catch your breath. [chuckles] Soon as the band starts up, y’all get to rocking though. They going off. This is it. [music stops] It’s all right. [chuckles] It done blazing, right? [imitating drumming] [music ends]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Doug Stanhope on babies and abortion

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-babies-and-abortion/

From “Dead Beat Hero” (2004) Immigration. There’s too many people in this fucking country. But I think if you’re gonna focus on keeping people out, you gotta focus on the people who don’t contribute to society. That’s an old brainer but… And there’s a specific group of over four million people that come into this country every year and don’t contribute a fucking thing. And everyone knows who I’m talking about. But no one wants to say it cause it’s politically incorrect, but fuck that. You know who I’m talking about… Officer Bob? You know who I’m talking about? Who am I talking…? Babies! That’s who I’m talking about. Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country, they don’t speak the language, they don’t wanna work. They just take, and they take… And they cause a roc[??], and they waste all of our natural resources. I say put the border patrol agent at the foot of your uterus. Anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole. “What’s your name? You’re not on the list. Get back behind the velvet rope.” “The club is overfull. We’ll call you when we need you.” Sick of other people. “Oh Doug, don’t you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD? “Yes, cause you won’t stop having them, so I’m gonna keep saying it. Almost every problem in the world boils down to too many fucking people. And I’m not just talking out of my… I had my vasectomy, I have no children. Anyone else had a vasectomy? Who did? Did you? Get him a drink. That’s a true American hero right there. Don’t name the fucking memorial highway after him. After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space… There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks. He’s the guy who didn’t have someone parking there. Every time you’re fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the… Brainers. “Hey, no traffic at all the day…”. Thank you. How long before you blew it on after you had it? Do you remember? Two weeks? I waited 8 days. Cause they tell you “Wait 72 hours”. I developed what they call granuloma. If don’t know how they do a vasectomy… What they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrot sack, and then they go in with a tweezer thing, and they remove your courage, and your confidence, and your social skills, and your sense of humor, and your need for any personal hygiene… And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing. So I had that done out of respect for the world. And then I get granuloma that is when you continue to leak semen in you bag sack, and then your bag sack start swelling out bigger and bigger every day– did you get that? No? I have pictures of it on my website cause people thought I was exaggerating. It was like… I called it the “Hindenburg”. It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs. It was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka. And they’re telling me “Wait 72 hours”. And I go “What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?” Six days?? I waited 8 days and… And I didn’t even wanted jerk off then, but you go 8 days without… I’ve never gone 8 days in my natural low blowing life without emptying it all… But weird shit happens in your head after that about the time. I’m getting deviant thoughts watching TV commercials that don’t even have people in them! I had to do something. I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers squinting like a little girl in a horror movie. “I don’t wanna see what’s coming out of there… Blood, or stitches, or chili…” I didn’t think I needed a vasectomy. I was like some convenient frame of my mind. Cause I’ve dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies… I think with all the shit I’ve done to my body I was surprised I had sperm that was still white. Much less potent. So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago. It was the first abortion… The only abortion, I’ve had… But it was might have been the longest abortion of all time. It took a month to have. Has anyone had an abortion? You’re all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that “Oh, it’s a living thing, what are we doing?” Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say “stop playing god.” It’s horrible. We panicked and then do any research… Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out. It’s not like in 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right? You feed her a tapeworm, and hope it takes a left at the Y. I mean you have medical options. I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example to living babies on, that were already on board, and thinking about screaming through the all flight. Little scared straight program to the infance but… Can’t do that. But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy. Yes, it sounds like, “Oh, it’s an abortion pill!” “Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?” And you go “Ah, that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter onto your womb, and no one knows the whys about. But no. It was a long story and I won’t get into the graphic details about. But it would took a month to have this… And what was more fucked up is how they treat you. There was just this clinic… Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??]. And they were all fucking assholes, and they treated you like shit because they can. And that’s a problem. Even though abortion is legal… Yes, for a limited time only. Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town and he knows your body better than you. Trust your government. That blue light specials are about to end. But even though it’s legal, it still lives in that grey area of shame where if you even bring it up in a fucking basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo all silence. And that’s how they treat you… like shit. Because they can get away with it. It’s like dildos, right? They’re legal, except for Mississippi, “You’re gonna jail for that!” They’re legal. Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight. You go out to the smut shop, you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler, and you bring it home, and you jam[??] the batteries in it… But then the neck doesn’t swivel quiet right for the G spot. And then little robber rabbit doesn’t quiet reach you clitoris, like it says it will on the box. What are you gonna do? Bring it back? You’ll have to get have liquored up on draft beer just to walk into that joint. Much less stop buying Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you’re… “How you did it talk to someone [??] This doesn’t reach my clitoris, There’s something… Can I try on a different one?” They gonna tell you to pound sand and get out of the store. Who you gonna call? The better business bureau? “I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!” It’s the same with an abortion. They know that I’m not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the form and go: “This is the worst abortion I have ever had, I want to see your manager.” “I want to talk to your manager. You call this an abortion?” “I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship, my friend.” “I’m gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am.” “I’m not gonna have my abortions here anymore.” “You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.” “I’m cutting up my priority club membership card.” You’re gonna fucking stare at me like you don’t have any… Yeah, fine. Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy, like I’m some asshole about this, keep in mind I’m just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don’t know the reason we had… The reason we had an abortion was… It wasn’t because… It wasn’t frivolous. We didn’t have an abortion because we weren’t ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we’re not financially capable of taking… The reason we had it is ’cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby. I just do not want you to judge.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Wanda Sykes: Not Normal (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/wanda-sykes-not-normal-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen… Wanda Sykes! Yes. Yes. Thank you. New York. New York. Oh, my goodness. So… let me just start by saying… if you voted for Trump… …and you came to see me… …you fucked up again. This shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal. Come on. The lying, the tweeting, the playdates with dictators. Come on. This shit is not normal. It’s not normal that I know that I’m smarter than the president. That’s not normal. Come on. In the Mueller investigation, how does he not know that he’s Individual Number One? Come on. Everybody who’s been indicted or going to jail, Papadopoulos, Gates, Flynn, Manafort, it all says in the Mueller report that they co-conspired with Individual Number One. Motherfucker, that’s you! All right. Now… if everybody you come in direct contact with… gets herpes… …wouldn’t you be like… “Am I giving everybody herpes?” But no. President Trump tweets… “All clear.” “Too bad for Individual Number One. Hashtag sad.” No, motherfucker. You have herpes! You are patient zero. Trump, he doesn’t even look presidential. He doesn’t look presidential. It looks like he’s doing an impersonation of a president. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. Even the way he stands there, he’s just like… He looks like those things that you put out in front of the car wash. You know… Shit’s not normal, y’all. It’s not normal. Here’s another thing that’s not normal. Presidents, they all age while in office, right? They age while in office, because the job is so fucking stressful that it affects you physically. We’ve seen it. Obama… First two years, President Obama went totally gray. His face started drooping. He got all droopy in the face. One time, I was like, “Is that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Who the fuck…” “Is that what… Misha, is that Kareem? What the hell?” George W. Bush, he shrunk four inches. At one point, he was looking like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. “Ah, my precious! My precious!” Bill Clinton. He grew that bulb on the tip of his nose. What the fuck was that? Bill Clinton looked like the man on the Operation board. But not Trump. Nope. Mm-mm. He’s on executive time. Trump hasn’t aged. But we have. He is fucking us up. Everybody’s looking older. My God. I was in my car, I saw a billboard. “Cher, Vegas.” I was like, “Oh, shit, that’s on my bucket list. I’m going.” I get to the stop light, I look back up, I was like… “Oh, damn, that’s Ariana Grande. What the hell?” He’s fucking us up. You know how they say some women have resting bitch face? Well, Trump has given me resting “what the fuck?” face. Every morning, I’m looking in the mirror like, “What the fuck? What…” I got crow’s feet. I got a fucking divot in my forehead. He has cracked black. That’s… That’s damn near impossible. I was like, “We got to get rid of him. Two more years, I’mma to look like Cicely Tyson.” She look good, but I ain’t ready. I ain’t ready to go there. If someone offered me a deal tonight and said, “Wanda, here’s your deal. You keep Trump for two more years… or we’ll switch him out tonight with R&B singer Bobby Brown…” Without batting an eye, I’m taking Bobby Brown. I’m taking Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown is a proven talent. We know what he can do. Right? Trump, uh-uh. We respect Bobby Brown. Nobody respects Trump. You know how I know they don’t respect him? Because they let him walk up on Air Force One with toilet paper on the back of his shoe. You would stop a stranger to get toilet paper off their shoe. I’ve been in airports and, like, tracked people down for ten gates… like, oh… …to get this toilet paper off your shoe. I bet you there’s been murderers on their way to the electric chair… passing the guards with toilet paper on their shoes… and the guards are like, “Yeah, you motherfucker, you deserve all of this. I hope… Oh, hold up, man, hold on. Let me get this off your shoe.” “Can’t let you go out like that.” “It’s embarrassing, man.” Trump passed Marine guards… on his way. Marine guards. These people see everything. They are the sharpest motherfuckers on the planet. But they let him ascend… …up to Air Force One, the plane that represents America… with toilet paper on the back of his shoe. And they just stood there. “You see that?” “Yeah, I see it. I see it.” “I think it’s a good look for him.” And he’s always on Air Force One. Never in the White House. Always running off, Mar-a-Lago or somewhere, costing us all kind of money. Hey, I was like, “We should just put the White House on Airbnb.” “Maybe we’ll get somebody good in there.” His whole family is costing us money. Yeah. Did you know that we pay for a Secret Service detail for Tiffany Trump? Exactly. Who the fuck is Tiffany Trump? Nobody’s gonna mess with Tiffany Trump. She ain’t on our radar. Shit, she ain’t even on Trump’s radar. We don’t give a shit about Tiffany Trump. Don’t wanna be paying for Secret Service. All she needs is a mall cop on a Segway. Just this motherfucker. “Oh, not the stairs, Tiff, not the stairs.” Shit’s not normal. The president is in litigation with porn stars. With porn stars! Come on, that shit’s not normal. What the fuck? And everybody’s like, “Well, you know, that’s just what we doing now.” Really? We’re putting up with this bullshit? We were outraged when President Obama wore a tan suit to work. That was the bar back then. “Oh, how dare he come to the Oval Office so casual, in a tan suit?” People were disgusted because one of the greatest first ladies we’ve ever had, Michelle Obama… …she went sleeveless. “Oh. Oh, how unbecoming of the first lady to wear no sleeves, to show her arms.” Really? You gave Michelle Obama shit for that. Really? You can Google Melania’s titties right now. Yeah. I did it. I bet you the Obamas must be beside themselves. They must be. They must be beside themselves. I can’t… Could you imagine, like, all that shit that they went through for eight years and they’re watching all this bullshit just go and everybody just turns their heads toward it? I mean, what the fuck? I bet you they’re in bed, watching the 11 o’clock news and Michelle looks over at Barack and is like… “N i g g a.” “Porn stars? Really? We gonna to talk about the porn star now.” She didn’t put that in the book. But I was confused. I was confused by the whole situation. The whole porn star thing. Because first of all, I was like, “Who is admitting that they fucked Trump?” That’s what I need to know. Who’s going to admit that? And then all of the hush money thing. I said, “Okay, wait a minute. Okay, hush money was exchanged.” And then when I saw Stormy Daniels, I was like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me he paid her?” I thought she paid him to shut the fuck up. ‘Cause that made sense to me. If I fucked Trump, he came to me and said, “Okay, I’m going to give you, um… 130,000 not to say anything,” I’d be like, “Bitch, I was about to give you 250.” Shit. If I ever fucked Trump, I’m telling you, I’m taking that to the grave. That’s going to the grave and beyond. I’d be walking around Heaven, I’d look Jesus right in the eye… “Huh?” “What? Me? Wasn’t me, Jesus.” “You must have turned too much water into wine that day.” But you know what? I believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Because of Trump being president… we sent more women to Congress than ever before. That’s because of Trump. Thank you, Trump. All kinds of women. African-American, Native American, Asian-American, Muslims. Yes. It’s funny looking at Congress now. All those beautiful women in there and all those old white guys. It looks like the cast of Cocoon… …meets the cast of any Shonda Rhimes show. We are gonna be all right. We gonna be all right. We’re just in a fight right now. We’re just in a fight. And when you’re in a fight, big thing, you got to stay consistent. You got to stay consistent, ladies. Especially us. That’s right. So, you know… You can’t be out there at the Women’s March, “Fuck Harvey, yeah! Equal pay! Yeah, we got to get equal pay!” and then be like, “Ooh, girl, I got to get home and watch The Bachelor.” No. The Bachelor cannot coexist with Time’s Up, Me Too. You can’t have it. No. The only time you hear, “Me too,” on The Bachelor is if somebody says, “I have chlamydia.” Got to let The Bachelor go. I know some of you are like, “Well, Wanda, it’s just entertainment. It’s a TV show.” Yeah, I know. But it promotes bad behavior and it makes women look stupid. It’s got to go. It’s got all these women, you know, all these women gathered, trying to all vie for this one little shitty dude. And he’s actively dating all of them right in front of your face. And you know he’s sleeping with all of ’em. And the women just standing around like… “When is he gonna fuck me?” “When do I get my one-on-one?” I have more respect for strippers than I do for women who go on The Bachelor. I do. What the hell? And then they try to make it like it’s some fairy tale. You know. With the rose ceremony. Oh, if he wants you to stay, he’ll give you a rose. I say bullshit. I want them to show it for what it is. Instead of the rose ceremony, I want them to line all the women up… and if he wants you to stay, he will tap you on your forehead. With his dick. “Oh, yes! Yes! I’m staying! I’m staying, yeah!” You know, y’all, I really thought I knew my country. I was like, “I really…” I was like, “I know America. I know who we are.” Right? I really thought that. But nope. It fooled me. When it was confirmed that Russia indeed attacked us… They… They interfered with our election. – That’s right. – I said, “Oh, shit, here we go. Here comes the America I know and love. Here we go.” ‘Cause this is what we do. When we are attacked, we stop the bullshit and we unite. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? It’s like when Cardi B is beefing with Nicki Minaj… …and then Taylor Swift pops off. Cardi B and Nicki are like, “Okay, Nicki, we’re gonna put this on pause, right? And let’s go drag that ho.” “Okurrr.” But we didn’t do that. I was waiting for it. I was like, “Oh, shit, here come the crazy. Here we go.” I thought for sure… I was like, “Uh-oh, there ain’t gonna be no more Russian salad dressing.” “We gonna to start booing Russian hockey players.” I was like, “Oh, boy. Uber’s gonna be missing a whole lot of drivers.” But no, none of that happened. I’m like, “Y’all, Russia attacked us.” And everybody’s like, “Yeah, but have you had a Moscow Mule? They are delicious.” It’s like… It’s like we’ve forgotten history. Russia hates us. We broke up the Soviet Union. We broke up the Soviet Union. We gave them Boris Yeltsin. Boris Yeltsin was a drunk. He was a big embarrassment as a president for them. But it makes sense now. We gave them Boris Yeltsin. They paid us back with Trump. Forget that. We forget all about that shit. And Russia, they sneaky. Them some sneaky motherfuckers. Who else would think of those little stacking dolls? What the fuck is that? All those damn nesting dolls. That’s some sneaky shit. “Oh, here’s another one.” “Open it again.” “It’s another one! And another one! And another one! Okay, this is the last one, right? God damn, there’s another one!” “Y’all are some sneaky motherfuckers. God damn! There’s another one! Wait, this is the last one? This the last one? Wait a minute. Ooh, is this the pee-pee tapes?” Sneaky. But Russia, they knew. They knew how to attack us. They know our weakness. Race. Yes. That’s our Achilles’ heel. Race. That’s it. So they brought out Trump to rally the racists. Exactly what they did. That fucking wall… That wall is racist. That wall is… It ain’t about protecting your borders. It ain’t about protecting our borders. He’ll tell you, “Oh, well, we want the wall ’cause it keeps out all the gangs and the… and the opioid crisis.” Yeah. That’s a message to white people. That’s for white people. Opioid crisis. Because of racism, black people, we don’t even get our hands on opioids. They don’t even give ’em to us. White people get opioids like they’re Tic Tacs. It amazes me how many opioids you motherfuckers have. I’m at work, I’m sitting in a writers’ room with a bunch of white people, right? And I’m like, “Damn, I got a headache.” White people start pulling out all kind of pills and shit. Just fucking loose pills in Ziploc bags. “Would you like an oxycodone? I got oxycodone.” “No, she should take a Percocet. She should take a Percocet.” Oh, other girl over there preparing a needle. “Give me your arm.” What the fuck? White people get the opioids. There was a study… It’s racism. There was a study and it showed that doctors, they actually prescribe opioids… frequently to white people than they do to blacks. They don’t give us opioids. Because they are sympathetic. They’re like, “Oh, this white person, they’re in such pain. I hate to see white people hurting.” “They can’t handle this pain. Let me… Here, let me give you this. Let me give you these opioids. Get that pain away.” They don’t give us the opioids. They’re like, “Ah, you can take it. Walk it off.” I had a double mastectomy. You know what they sent my black ass home with? Ibu-fucking-profen. Shit, to get some opioids, a black person will have to show up in the emergency room holding they own head detached from the body. “Uh… uh… Excuse me. Can I get some help out here? My body’s still in the car, but, uh…” Got to… Got to treat opioid addicts. You do. Got to treat them. We weren’t trying to treat crackheads, were we? No, we were capturing crackheads, locking up crackheads. Weren’t treating them. You didn’t see anybody busting down the door of a crack house, boom, “Okay, where’s the crackheads? I need to check your blood pressure.” “Let’s all sit in a little crack circle and talk about our feelings.” “Let’s get to the root of this. Pookie, would you like to start first?” Racism. We got to deal with it. It is going to be the demise of our country if we don’t fucking deal with it. Look, I’m from Virginia, right? And whenever I go home… Wait a minute. Off of 95… right outside Chester, Virginia, there is a big, giant Confederate flag. Big Confederate flag. Every time I go home and I pass that flag, it hurts me to my core. It fucking hurts. ‘Cause it’s racist. It’s racist and it’s wrong. And I’m sick of this bullshit of, “Well, that’s part of my Southern heritage.” Well, your heritage is shitty. It’s garbage. Your heritage is trash. The atrocities that happened under that flag, are you proud of that shit? – Yeah. – What the fuck? There are so many other things about the South that you can be proud of. Right? Moonshine. Dollywood. Come on. You got to love Dolly Parton and Dollywood. Clay Aiken. Come on. Why don’t you tear down those statues and put up a statue of Clay Aiken drinking moonshine, wearing a Dollywood t-shirt? Race means a lot. It does. I think about it a lot, just because of the makeup of my family. Look, I’m married to a white French woman and we have two white kids. – Woo! – Yeah. And now white supremacy is on the rise. And I’m living with a house full of white people. I took them to DC over Thanksgiving break. I took them to DC and we went to the museum, the National Museum of African-American History and Culture. Yeah. Oh, beautiful museum. I’m telling you, you got to go. If you’re in DC go to this museum. Seriously. Yeah. I see the white people are like… “It’s gonna make me sad.” “I don’t want to be sad. Oh.” It made me proud. It made me proud. Yeah. It just reaffirmed what I always knew. I was like, “I can do anything.” I can do anything. To come from people who survived all that shit and we still here and kicking it, I’m like, “Pff, I can do anything.” Yeah. I can… I can do anything. I know this. And that’s why you don’t see a lot of black folks on, like, those survival-type reality shows. We don’t need to fuck around like that. Man Vs. Wild, Doomsday Preppers. No, thank you. We leave that for y’all. Black folks can get the same exhilaration just by driving around on expired tags. But one of my favorite ones to watch is Naked and Afraid. That’s the best one. If you haven’t seen Naked and Afraid, treat yo self. They take a man and a woman and they drop them off on some uninhabitable island or, you know, desert or Florida and, uh… You know, like the Everglades. You know, the swamps. Yeah. They drop them off in there. They got to get butt naked and they have to survive for 21 days. And they get to bring one item. Usually, the guy shows up with some crazy knife or custom-made ax or something. And the woman, she shows up with, like, fishing nets or maybe a fire starter. But there was this one episode, this guy showed up with his ax and this woman showed up with a fucking magnifying glass. The look on his face said it all. Like… “Magnifying glass? Like… Bitch, what you think? We out here solving crimes? What the hell?” I love that show. There was an episode that stood out, because it was a black guy on the show. Yeah. This black guy… he’s paired up with this nice little white lady from North Dakota, right? They drop ’em off on this island… and they were… Things were going great, right? So after, like, day three… the white lady’s like, “Oh, Ronald, he’s a good team player and, uh, man, like, the bugs and everything, just nothing is bothering him. Nothing is affecting him out here, so I think we’re gonna be good. He keeps to himself, but I think we’re gonna be okay.” Two days later, you find out that Ronald is homeless. Yeah. These assholes booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid. So no wonder nothing was affecting him. He got on that island, he thought he was at Sandals. He was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah. I can do this. This is nice.” That lady went home. She tapped out. She was like, “I quit. I’m going home.” She was like, “I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave.” They booked a homeless man to go on Naked and Afraid. That tells me that there was no black people in the room. When they made that decision, a black person was not present, ’cause they’d have been like this, “Wait a minute, you booking a black… Are you out of your damn mind?” That’s fucked up. Yeah. You need a black friend. You need a black friend. It’s 2019. If you don’t have a black friend… you’re the problem. But if you don’t have one, I understand. I understand. It’s scary. It is. Because of how we’ve been portrayed. Right? Black people have always been portrayed as sinister, menacing, a threat. Yeah. I don’t know if you’ve heard about this story in Chicago. A black security guard, right, at a club… There was a shooting. The black security guard apprehended the shooter. The cops show up, shoot the black security guard. Yeah. ‘Cause all they saw was a black man. Why can’t we be the good guy? – Right. – Yes! Black people, we need a better publicist. No, fuck that. We need a publicist. I want the publicist that the white guys use. That publicist kicks ass. That publicist is the best. ‘Cause they know how to spin it. Even when white guys fuck up, they can spin it… in a way you won’t think, “Oh, all white guys are fucked up.” No. ‘Cause they make them individuals. You know, crazy white guy shoots up a movie theater, they give you his backstory. Right? They tell you where he went to school. “Oh, he was a loner.” They put a picture up in the news of him that’s so sympathetic. I’m watching news, I’m like, “Oh, man…” “He shoulda called me.” We need a better publicist. Yeah, I want a campaign. A campaign for black people. Right? How about, like, some billboards all across the country of black people just doing fun, non-threatening, frivolous shit? Just black people just, like, bowling. How about some slogans? You know, like “Toys for Tots.” How about a good slogan for black people? “Hey, let’s get black to business.” I like that. Or, maybe, you know, something environmental, like show black people just taking out the recycling can, you know, like… “We’re black, but we’re green.” You need a black friend. Get a black friend, you’ll learn some shit. Like, here’s an easy one. You should know this one. Never touch a black woman’s hair. Yes. Never… touch a black woman’s hair. I don’t give a fuck if she has a tarantula sitting on her head. You… Let it bite her. Here’s another one. Here’s another one I’ll give y’all. White people, you go and you get a tan. You get a nice tan, you been on vacation. Do not go back to your job and go up to your black coworker… “Hey, Denise.” “I’m almost there.” “Hey, girlfriend, I’m almost there.” We hate that shit. And we secretly wish bad black shit happens to you when you do it. “I’m almost there.” Mm-hmm. “I hope you get sickle cell.” I know some of y’all are like, “Well, Wanda, what about black people who don’t have white friends?” I’m okay with that. A lot of trust has been broken. But I do encourage them. I do. I say, “Come on, guys, let’s break this up. Come on. Spread out. Open it up a little bit.” You know, I tell them, “Ease into it. Start off with a Puerto Rican.” “They’re cool. Come on.” Look, I’m learning a lot. I’m learning a lot from my white family. I am. You know? And you know what? Yeah… People always say, “Because, Wanda, we’re all the same.” No, we’re not. We’re not all the same. We’re different. But we’re equal. We’re different. But we’re equal. And that’s the thing. That’s what we have to respect. Like, I’m learning things from my family. I’m learning how to play. Oh, ’cause black people don’t play. We don’t play. Some of the first things that we were taught as kids, right? You’re over there, acting up. Your parents tell you, “Hey, better stop playing. Oh, you think I’m playing with you? Keep playing here. Keep playing, keep playing.” Learning how to play. White people play all the time. Just make up shit. You don’t even know what you’re playing. Just play. I had to learn this. Like, we had a birthday party over the weekend, so, during the week, you know, there’s still some balloons floating around. I get up Monday morning, I’m coming downstairs, my son takes a balloon, kicks it, and it hits me right in the face. First thing I do, “Boy, you better stop playing.” He laughs, he takes another balloon, kicks it… almost knocks my glasses off. I’m like, “Oh, Lucas, you think I’m playing with you? Keep playing with me. Keep playing with me, hear?” My wife hears me yelling. She runs into the living room. “Baby, what’s the problem? Qu’est-ce qui se passe? Ça va? Ça va?” “No. No it’s not ça va!” “You want to know what… I’ll tell you what happened. Uh, Lucas here just kicked me in the face…” And now I’m hearing myself. Uh… “Uh, Lucas kicked me in the face… uh, with the balloon, uh… I haven’t had coffee yet, okay? First…” “And he did it twice. Twice. And, uh… And, uh, you know, it was that little knot part, the knot part on the balloon. You know, that little knot in the balloon? Yeah, that knot part hit me right… You… You were playing, huh? You were playing. I’m sorry, baby. I… I didn’t know you were playing. Okay, stop crying. Stop crying. It’s okay. All right. You got to let me know we’re playing or something. I didn’t know, right?” So then my wife just looked at me like I was an asshole. He goes off to school and she’s like, “What is your problem? Why did you…” I said, “Look, first of all, you need to take it down a notch, all right? You ain’t gonna be in my face like this, okay? And, second of all, I behaved the way I was supposed to behave, okay? All right? I’m a black woman, all right? I come downstairs in my living room and this little white boy kicks me in the face.” Just saying. But I felt bad. I did feel… I did. I felt bad. I did. So what I… So what I did, when he came home from school, I had all the balloons lined up. Oh, I was ready for his ass. Soon as he walked in the door, I was like, “Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! You want to play? You want to play? Boom, boom, boom!” I took care of him. All kind of shit. All kind of shit. I’m learning we’re different. Yeah. I was on my way home from, uh… I was on my way home, right? I’m in the car. And my wife, she calls me in the car. She’s like, “Babe, uh… on your way home, uh, could you stop at the pharmacy and pick up this stuff? It’s called RID. Uh… There’s a problem at the school with the lice and the kids have the lice.” I’m like, “What? Lice?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids have the lice, I have the lice, you have the lice.” “No, I don’t. No, I don’t.” “That’s some white shit.” She’s like, “No, it’s a little bug in your hair.” “Mm-mm. No, no, no, no. We don’t do that. I would choke the shit out of a lice. We don’t…” “That’s you and your inferior scalp. We don’t do that.” She’s like, “Will you pick it up?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll pick it up. And put it in the mailbox.” “I ain’t coming in that lice-y ass house. I ain’t coming in. I’ll be at Sabrina’s. Mm-mm.” Then I thought, “Am I being ignorant? Maybe I’m being ignorant about this thing.” Right? So I called my friend, you know, she has a bunch of kids and stuff. I was like, “Hey, look, um, have you or any of your kids ever had a lice issue?” She went, “Nah, girl, that’s some white shit.” I was like, “That’s what I thought.” That’s what I thought.” I knew it. I knew it. Mm-hmm. I was gonna Google it, but I figured, no, I knew, knew what I’m talking about. Knew that.” We get different shit, different stuff. Yeah. When I was in fifth grade, I got mononucleosis. Yeah. Yeah, we had just moved. White neighborhood. And I got mononucleosis. I’m not saying white people gave me mononucleosis, but… I just got it. But the fun part was listening to my mother trying to explain it to her mother. Yeah. So my mother’s on the phone, like, “Hey, Mama, how you doing? Look, I’mma need you to come up here and stay with us for a few weeks. Wanda’s sick. Hm? Um… She’s got mo… Mononu… Hm. Lord Jesus. Uh, she’s got mo… She’s got tuberculosis.” “Mm-hmm. Yeah, she’s got the TB. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no. I got Vicks. I got the Vicks. I’ll put the Vicks on her. That’ll do.” The Vicks. We put Vicks on everything. Yes. Love the Vicks. I remember the first time I introduced Vicks to my little French family. You would have thought I poured acid on them. My daughter had a bad chest cold, right? So… So I heard the rattling. She was sleeping, but I could hear the rattle, so I was like, “Oh, Wanda, get your Vicks.” So I got my Vicks. I go in her bedroom, you know… open up my Vicks. I start putting a little bit on her, on her chest. Right? She wakes up… “Mommy-boo, you’re burning me!” I’m like, “No, no, baby, it’s just Vicks. It’s Vicks. It’ll open up the thing.” “Maman! Maman, vite, vite! Vite, Maman! Mommy-boo is burning me.” I’m like, “Olivia, I’m not burning you, sweetheart. It’s just Vicks. It’s Vicks VapoRub. It’ll open this up.” My wife comes in the room, “Baby, what is the problem? Oh, my eyes! Oh! Baby. Oh. Olivia… Ferme les yeux, Olivia. Oh, ferme tes yeux, Olivia. Oh, close your eyes, Olivia, please. Oh, baby, why are you burning us? What are you doing?” I’m like, “It’s just Vicks!” “Y’all can’t handle Vicks?” Vicks! I was so pissed. I was like, “Y’all have cheese that’s stronger than Vicks.” One of my first trips to Paris, right, I’m at her mother’s house, we’re having dinner, they pass around the cheese plate. “Wanda, tu veux du fromage?” “Non, merci.” Because I want to know… who just shit themselves at this table. So we’re just gon’ sit here like this is not happening, huh? “C’est qui qui fait caca dans leur pantalon?” That’s what I want to know. Don’t make me get up and just go around check everybody. Is that what we doing? Different. But, you know, like, all I’m doing, man, I’m just trying to, like, raise my kids like how I was raised. That’s what I’m doing, just raising my kids like how I was raised. You know? Yeah. Didn’t turn out so bad. Right? And, oh, boy, I lotion ’em up good. You should see ’em. Oh. They be glistening, man. They hate it. My wife is like, “Why? Why all the lotion, the crème? Pourquoi la crème?” I say, “‘Cause I don’t want some little ashy-ass kids.” I get their legs, everything. I lotion ’em up. They leave the house shiny, boy. I bet you even little black kids at school are looking at them like, “Oh, here come them greasy twins.” “Here come the greasy twins.” We’re all different, man. I feel different. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Yeah. Going through menopause right now. I’m sorry. Did you say sorry? Yeah, yeah. It’s the worst. Oh, my God, the hot flashes. Woo. The hot flashes are the worst. They’re crippling. All of a sudden, you just flop sweat. Sometimes, I feel like I’m going to pass out. They’re awful. They’re awful. There’s no way in the world men would put up with hot flashes. No way in the world. I think if a man had two hot flashes… they would blow the sun up. You’d go out and they got the missile pointed to the sun. “Hey, what are y’all doing?” “Oh… Bob got hot.” “Did you, Bob?” “Yeah, yeah. Just… poof. It seemed like it started in my balls and just my balls got hot and just… Poof. It was awful. We’re gonna turn that off.” “Cool it down. Cool it down.” What the hell? I mean, ladies, come on. What kind… We got a shitty hand that we were dealt, right? Is it a design flaw? What the fuck? Okay, so let me get this straight. This is our plight, right? Okay, so when you’re young, you’re fertile, you’re producing eggs, you’re bringing life into the world, right? You’re bringing life into the world. And then you get older, no more eggs. You can’t bring any more life into the world… so they just set you on fire. What kind of shit is that? You know, I’ve always said, you know what, the older I get, the less I care. But you know what? There’s science behind that. There’s science behind that. Yeah. Because, when you’re young, right, your body is producing estrogen. Now, estrogen, that’s that hormone that makes you compassionate, makes you empathetic. Makes you say sorry all the damn time for no reason. Ladies, you know how many times we say sorry for no reason? Like, even when it’s not your fault. Like, you’re at the grocery store, somebody runs into your ankle with the grocery cart and you’re like, “Ooh, ooh, sorry, my ankle was in your way.” That’s that estrogen. And then, when you get older… it drastically reduces. You’re not producing estrogen like that anymore. Yeah. So it’s not the older you get, the less you care. It’s the older you get, you’re just becoming a man. That’s why you don’t give a fuck. And becoming a man indeed. Oh, my God. If I go four days without tweezing… …I could have a nice situation going on right here. The other day, I pulled a hair out of my neck that was so long… I thought my neck was growing bangs. I was like, “What the fuck is this? Ah! How long has this been here? I can see it out the corner of my eye. Ah!” My metabolism just shut down. Oh, my God. I got a nice gut going on. Ugh. Yeah, Esther is out of control. Woo! Yes, I call her Esther. When I was in my forties, I got this little fat roll. I just named it. That was Esther. And now Esther is spreading. Esther is roaming around my body. Esther’s all creeping around my back, like, “Mm, what’s back here? Let’s see what’s back here. Hey.” And she wants to eat everything. You know? And, you know, when you get older, your digestive system changes. I can’t eat a bunch of junk, like greasy food and shit like that. That’d tear me up. But Esther’s… We sitting there watching TV, commercials come on, and Esther’s like, “Mmm. Let’s live a little. Let’s go get some of them Taco Bell Nacho Fries.” I was like, “Ain’t no way in the world I can eat some Nacho Fries.” If I got some Taco Bell Nacho Fries, I would have to eat them in the parking lot of the urgent care. I caught my wife eyeballing Esther the other day. That didn’t feel good at all. We were getting ready for bed, you know, brushing our teeth. You know, brushing my teeth. I’ve got an electric toothbrush and the jiggling from brushing my teeth just kind of… resonated on down, so Esther was just… And I saw my wife look over like… I was like, “Uh-oh, uh-oh.” But it’s okay. Esther can’t stand her either. Esther was like, “What the fuck you looking at, Frenchie?” “Don’t worry, one day, you gonna get a little Estelle. Bonjour, Estelle.” It’s the worst. Whiskers, weight gain, hot flashes. I know, one day, TMZ, they’re going to catch me standing in the frozen food section with no pants on and a full beard. But I won’t give a fuck. I’ll be like, “My balls were hot.” But, you know, there’s help, you know. There’s a solution. Like, a lot of women, they just take the estrogen. Just take the hormone. But, see, I can’t take the estrogen. I can’t take the hormone because of the type of breast cancer I had. Yeah. But the irony of it all is like when… You know, because I curse and stuff. When people say to me, “Hey, Wanda, would it kill you to be a little more ladylike?” I go, “Yes.” “It would.” “It really would.” I’m snoring now. That’s different, yep. Snoring. You know, my wife, boy, God bless her, putting up with it. You know, ’cause, at first, it started off with just some deep breathing, you know. Just like… And then it quickly escalated to… How do I know? Because my wife records it. That doesn’t feel good. That doesn’t feel good. Yeah. ‘Cause, you know, like, during the day, I’ll get, like, a text message from my wife with an audio file. And I get all excited. I’m like, “Oh, my baby loves me. She even…” It’s bad. ‘Cause, you know, you wake up in the middle of the night and she’s out of the bed. I’m like, “Uh-oh.” I got to go look for her. Like, “Ooh, did she leave me this time? What’s going on?” “Oh, no, okay, she’s over there with the kids. All right, okay. Cool, cool.” Yeah. You know, she wears the earplugs, and that doesn’t help. So she was like, “You know what, babe? I think maybe if I take, like, some Ambien or something, that could help.” I’m like, “No, no, no. You can’t take Ambien, because, you know, those drugs, you’ll wake up and do things you don’t even know you’re doing. You know, like suffocating me to death.” I don’t want to wake up chewing on a pillow. Or she’s shoving Vicks down my throat. Argh! So I was like, “Let me check with my doctor.” So I went to the doctor. I was like, you know, “I got to do something, man. I got to do something about this.” And he was like, “Well, you know, first, you got to lose some weight, Wanda.” And Esther was like, “Fuck you, I want some Nacho Fries!” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. And he goes, “You know what? You could stop drinking.” “What else you got?” And he goes, “You know what, Wanda? I want to test you for sleep apnea. I want to test you for sleep apnea, because judging from the recordings, uh…” “Oh, man, that’s fucked up.” He said, “Yeah, I think you have sleep apnea.” So I’m like, “No, no, I don’t want to take that test, because if, uh, I have sleep apnea, then you’re going to put me on one of those CPAP machines.” I said, “I can’t do that. You know, my wife is ten years younger than I am. I can’t be in the bed with a fucking Darth Vader mask on. You know? Looking like an astronaut or shit. I can’t…” You know, I said, “It’s bad enough I’m already in the bed, you know… hot flashes with a gut and a beard coming in.” “Now you want me in the bed with that mask on?” “Do you want to sit on my face?” Thank you, New York! Yes! Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

The Standups: Gina Yashere (2018) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/the-standups-gina-yashere-2018-transcript/

[announcer] And now, coming to the stage, Gina Yashere! [“Afro Puffs” by The Lady of Rage plays] Oi, oi! Oi, oi! What’s happening, Los Angeles? Good to be back. Good to be back. I don’t know if you know this, guys. I used to live here. I lived in L.A. for a few years. Yes, I did. I lived in Los Angeles for a while. Loved it, loved the lifestyle. Beautiful. Had to leave, though. Had to leave. I’m not Hollywood. I’m not Hollywood. Look at this. This… This is not the Hollywood look. This is not. There’s two looks for black women in Hollywood. You either look like Halle Berry… Or Precious. And there’s no… There’s no sliding scale! I used to get the most ridiculous auditions when I was in Hollywood. This was an audition I got sent for. I’m not even making this up. This was the name of the character. Ghetto Hoochie Number Three. I had one line. Do you wanna hear the line? [audience] Yeah! “N i g g a, it’s not your baby!” That was… I said to my agent, “I will not say that. I refuse. I will not say it. I’ve got integrity, I’m a black woman. I will not do it.” And then I saw the money. And I was like, “N i g g a, it’s not your baby!” Do you think I’ll get promoted to Ghetto Hoochie One? What do you think? So, it’s good to be back. So, I don’t know if you… Some of you look a bit confused. Did you know there were black people in England? Did you? We are everywhere. You look confused, though, sir. You’re looking up at me, like, “Is that Idris Elba? What is happening?” I know! From London, England! Born and raised. Obviously, black people are not indigenous to England. My mum came from Nigeria. West Africa. No! Don’t cheer that shit! She went from Nigeria to England. What the fuck was she thinking? My mum had the pick of the globe. She could’ve gone anywhere in the world. I imagine my mum in Nigeria with all her maps spread out before her. “Where shall I go? Where shall I go? You know what? I am fed up with the sunshine. I want to go somewhere with a lot of drizzle… and subtle racism. That’s what I want, subtle.” I don’t know if you know this, Americans, but the Brits are the best at racism. They’re the best! They’re better than you, Americans. They’re so good, you don’t even know you’re being discriminated against. They are fucking ninja racist! And that’s why I prefer good, old-fashioned, American racism. Yeah, I said it, America. I prefer it. It’s in your face. You know where you stand with American racism. You guys have even made movies to let me know where I’m welcome and where I’m not. For instance, I know I’m never going to fucking Mississippi. I’ve seen the films! Having said that, though… my manager did recently put some shows in my calendar… for Birmingham, Alabama. [audience oohs] I know! I saw that in my calendar and I was like, “Fuck, no!” And then I saw the money. And I said, “We shouldn’t be so quick to judge. We should give the people a chance.” So, I went to Birmingham, Alabama, people! It was all right, I had a good time. I experienced that Southern hospitality, the shows were great, and they put me in a very nice hotel. Very nice. I was very surprised by this. I’ll tell you why. I’m from England. All I know about Alabama is from your movies, so I wasn’t expecting to be staying in no nice hotel. I was expecting to be staying in a shack, on a swamp… run by some guy wearing overalls… who referred to me as “boy”! That’s what I was expecting. I was surprised by the hotel. I thought, “Oh, this is lovely! This is very civilized. This is wonderful.” I basically treated Alabama the way white people treat Africa the first time they go. You know, white people. You turn up in Africa for the first time… “Wow! They have cars and shoes and shit.” That’s how I was in Alabama. I was like, “Wow! They have electricity and teeth! This…” Lot of black people in Alabama. That shocked me. I was surprised by that. I was like, “Wow! Lot of black people.” I got off the plane, saw the black people, and I ran up to them, I was like that. “You know you can leave, right? You don’t even have to go underground. You could just drive! I’m learning a lot. So, born and raised, London, England. My mother emigrated from Nigeria to England, had us all in England. So, she was super overprotective. Was very ambitious for us as well. ‘Cause when you have your kids in another country, you want the best. My mum was scared that stuff was gonna happen to us. Like, she was over-the-top, crazy overprotective. I’ll give you an example. This is God’s honest truth. My mother… used to keep a scrapbook… of bus and train crashes. Yeah, I’ll repeat that. A scrapbook of bus and train crashes. Whenever there was an accident, she’d cut the story out of the newspaper, and she’d put it in a special book, and she would use that book to deter us from going places. She used that for everything! “Mum, can I go on a school trip?” She’d be like… [clears throat] “Do you see these children? Look at them. They are all dead. You know why they are dead? Because they wanted to go on a school trip. Their mother said, ‘No, don’t go!’ But they wouldn’t listen. Now, look at them. Dead, dead. Look at them! Dead-y dead. Super dead. Look at their dead faces! Dead! Dead-y dead, dead, dead. Dead-y dead. Super dead. Dead da-da, dead, dead-y. Dead, dead.” She’d use that book for everything. “Mum, can I play in the park?” “You see these children? Look at them. Dead! Dead-y dead! Know why they’re dead? Because they went to play in the park. And they all caught hay fever and died. Dead! Dead!” We once had a school trip to the Tower of London. We lived in an area of London called Tower Hamlets. You can probably tell from the name, it was very close proximity to the Tower of London. I was like, “Mum, look, it’s there. It’s… Look. It’s there. You can hold my hand from the house as I walk in. It’s there.” “You see these children? Look at them, look at them. Dead. Dead! You know why they’re dead? Because they went to the Tower of London. And they were all beheaded by Henry VIII’s ghost. Dead. Dead!” Super overprotective. Didn’t understand a lot of western culture. My mum did not understand the concept of Halloween. She was like, “Halloween? What is this devil business, Halloween? Trick or– What is this trick or treating? So, let me understand. You are running around the neighborhood at night… dressed as a cartoon character… banging on people’s doors… begging. Making people think your mother cannot afford confectionery. There will be no trick or treating. You can trick or treat in the house. You can come and bang on my door and ask me for confectionery. And then I will say, ‘No, go to bed.'” So, I ran away. And I live in America now. ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ That should’ve been your national anthem, Americans. How much more fun would the Olympics have been… if your athletes could’ve gone up on the podium and just gone… ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ Since I was six, I have wanted to live in America. Tell you why. In England, we got all your TV shows and movies, and it looked like American kids were having a great life! You had the coolest clothes, the manicured lawns, and it looked like every American kid rode around on cool bicycles, solving crimes. And I’d be watching that in England, going, “Fuck!” ‘Cause I’m from London. That’s how six-year-olds speak. “Fuck!” American kids were allowed to be detectives! “I want to go to America and become a child sleuth!” Looked like you guys were having a great time! Every TV show I watched was like, kids going, “What do you wanna do after school?” “I don’t know.” “Let’s go to the beach and hang out with Brad and Chad.” And then you guys would frolic to the beach. American kids were always frolicking! Do you know what after-school activity was for me in London? I’ll tell you. It was, “Mike and John… have found a white dog shit behind the shed. Let’s all go look at it.” And then, we’d all gather around this white dog shit. And we’d poke it with a stick for seven hours. Some of you look a little bit confused. You don’t know what a white dog shit is. Doesn’t exist in America. It’s weird. White dog shit is really a thing. In England, in the ’80s, ’cause I Googled this shit… In England in the ’80s, apparently, we fed our dogs too much calcium. So, when they shit on the street, as dogs did, in the good old days… Days when you didn’t have to scoop your dog poo up in a bag and carry around warm shit for seven hours. So, when dogs pooed on the street, their poo turned white, and had a crumbly texture. And I knew this ’cause I spent seven hours poking it with a stick. Listen, if you’ve learned nothing from this comedy show this evening… you’ve learned of the existence of white dog shit. Go Google that shit. You’ll be amazed. So, I couldn’t wait to leave England, leave white dog shit behind… Go to America, ’cause it looked like you guys were having a fantastic time. Every TV show and movie was kids going, “Oh, my God. What am I gonna wear to the prom?” And I was like, “What is this ‘prom’ that they speak of? It sounds amazing! Every kid in America spends school life worrying about the prom, it must be the best party ever! I wanna go to America! I wanna go to the prom. I wanna be picked up in a limousine, and given a corsage, and driven to the prom, and we dance all night, and then we win king and queen of the prom.” Because in every movie, winning king and queen of the prom is just amazing. Well, except in the movie Carrie. But in every other movie… winning king and queen of the prom is amazing! And then we leave the prom in triumph, we get in the limo, we drive to Make Out Point, and then fuck in the back of that limo. ‘Cause every movie ended with the couple in the back, overlooking the city, having sex. Then the movie would end before the Planned Parenthood scene. We didn’t have proms in England. You know what we had in England? We had discos that kids got stabbed at. That’s what we had. So, it was my dream… to come to America and fuck in the back of a limo. And I finally made it to America… Then you guys voted for Trump, and now I’m getting deported. Fuck you, Americans! You know, I am four out of six things that Trump hates. Four out of six. Black. Female. Immigrant. Gay. Four out of six. The only two that I don’t have is I’m not Muslim, and my name is not Lopez. That’s it. ‘Cause I was out of the country on tour, trying to get back into America, when the Trump travel ban came in. And I’m on the plane, watching it on the news, and I’m like, “Shit! They’re not gonna let me back in America! I’m an immigrant… and I can’t do an American accent for shit! I am not Idris Elba.” And I thought, “The only way I can get back into the country is, when I land, let ’em know for sure… that I’m not a Muslim. ‘Cause as we all know, Muslim is the new black. That should be a TV show right there. Muslim is the New Black. They’ve already got the orange jumpsuits. Not much of a jump. You know it’s true. So, I was thinking on the plane, “Okay, when I land in America, I gotta let ’em know that I’m the old black.” So, when that plane landed at JFK, I walked through the airport with my breasts out, wearing a yarmulke. It worked! I got back into America! ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ So, I live in New York City now. New York City! I like New York. I’m from London. Look, London, New York, very similar cities. New York is just a bigger… crazier… filthier version… of London, ’cause New York is filthy. It’s a dirty city. It’s a dirty, dirty city. It’s a filthy… dirty city. It’s a dirty, filthy, shit hole of a city. New York is a fucking swamp! A cesspool of a city. It’s a dump! It’s a dirty, shitty city. It’s filthy! You know, there’s no alleyways in New York. No alleyways. So, in New York, on trash day, which in New York is every fucking day… they just throw their trash out onto the sidewalks. Bags of trash! They just throw it! So, the streets are just lined with bags of trash. It’s terrifying! I’ll tell you why. I’m scared. When I’m walking home in the night, I don’t walk on the sidewalk. I walk in the middle of the road. ‘Cause I don’t wanna walk… ‘Cause you walk by those trash bags… And then they start to rustle… And then a massive rat will just pop out. “What’s up, Idris?” It’s a filthy city! And so expensive! So expensive. I didn’t realize New York would be so expensive. ‘Cause I’m like, shit hole of a city. I assumed Los Angeles would be more expensive, ’cause when I came from England, Los Angeles was my first choice. Like, “I’m not making the same mistake my mum made. I’m going to L.A. I want sunshine!” You guys have only got one season here. Sunny sun, sun, sun! So, I was like, “I’m going to L.A.!” And I assumed it was gonna be super expensive. I did. I thought it was and it wasn’t. I had a very nice lifestyle while here. Like, you know, I had a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment… like, gym, concierge… underground parking for two cars. Rooftop pool… overlooking the Hollywood sign. Yeah, every Facebook and Instagram picture for three years, was me just posing by the pool. I never went in it, ’cause I’m black, but I posed the hell out of it. $1,700 a month, I paid for that. Which is a pretty good price! Pretty good for L.A. It’s decent. So, when I was moving to New York, I was like, “Well, New York is a dump… I should get way more for my money in New York! In New York I’m gonna get an apartment with two pools… for $1,700.” Now, what I didn’t tell you before was when I was living in L.A., I met my girlfriend while I was living in L.A. She– That’s her. And… So, she… was living in New York. We did the long distance thing for a year, and then I was moving to New York. And she was like, “Great! You can move in with me. I’ve got a house in Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy.” And I was like, “Bitch, no. Bed-Stuy? I don’t wanna live where Jay-Z lived when he was not successful. I’m going to the Upper East Side… I’m getting an apartment with two pools for $1,700.” And she was like, “Oh, really? I’m gonna come with you while you view these apartments.” And then, she followed me around for three weeks, and watched me make a fucking dick of myself. And I was so cocky, as well, so cocky. I’m just walking in… “Oh, this? Upper East Side? Only one pool? [gags] It’s adequate. All right. How much?” And the guy was like, “$12,000 a month.” And I was like, “You misunderstand me, sir. I only want one.” And then I had to start looking at apartments within my budget. And holy shit! You can’t get nothing for $1,700 a month in New York that’s decent. Unless you want to live with 27 other comedians. Everything I looked at was worse than the last, which is horrible. One apartment, I was like, “Sir, did you actually know that you were showing this apartment today? ‘Cause, quite frankly, it looks incomplete. Looks like we stumbled onto a construction site. This is ridiculous!” One apartment was so filthy, the cockroach opened the door and showed me around. “Come on in. Come on in. This is our room, and…” After 10 shitty apartments, I turned to my girlfriend, like, “You know what? I’m in love, and I think we should make a life for ourselves in Brooklyn, Bed-Stuy, in your house. Bed-Stuy, do or die, motherfucker.” So, that’s right, I live in New York with me girlfriend. That conversation didn’t go too well when I had to tell my mum. I came out to my mum, was not a great conversation. ‘Cause she’s, as I said, super ambitious. Wanted the best for us, so, like, I was supposed to be the doctor. And… then I found out I couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Then I switched to engineer, and my mum went, “Okay, that’s good. That is on the list of African jobs, okay.” And then I decided I wanted to become a comedian. I thought, “Well, she ain’t gonna like that. I might as well come out to her, and go for the double whammy.” My mum was like, “What? What are you telling me? You are telling me… that my daughter… is a gay clown. You see these children? Look at them. They are all dead. They’re dead. Because they became gay clowns. There are no gay clowns in Nigeria. Clowns are creepy.” So, I’m in America. ♪ America! ♪ ♪ Fuck, yeah! ♪ I like America. I’ve learned a lot about you. I’ve been studying you. I’ve learned much. What have I learned? Like, in America… when you guys get fat… you get really fucking fat. Like, humongous. Like, cartoon fat. Like… I saw a documentary the other day where a guy got cut out of his house. You guys get cut-out-of-your-house fat! Some of you have gone very quiet. You’re like, “Was it a bungalow? Was it an apartment?” It was a house! They cut open his house! At some point, this guy looked in the mirror and gone, “You know what? I ain’t fat until they have to take the roof off this bitch!” I admire your tenacity, Americans. It’s not your fault. I watch all your commercials. All your commercials are food. Food! And it’s not good food, it’s all shit food. I saw a commercial the other day for pizza. Now, pizza… is a traditionally Italian dish. Flat bread, tomato, bit of cheese… Maybe an olive. Not this American pizza. This commercial’s like, “This is an American motherfucking pizza! We don’t just have olive, we have beef and cheese and chicken and steak and bacon and beef and cheese and chicken and steak and bacon and beef and cheese and chicken! We don’t just have cheese on the pizza, we have cheese inside the motherfucking crust of that motherfucking pizza! Because this is an American, motherfucking pizza! $1.99.” Judging by all the commercials for pharmaceutical products, you guys are pretty sick as well. The powers that be love to put out this image of black men on street corners selling drugs. And it’s a bullshit myth. These pharmaceutical companies are the biggest drug dealers on the planet! Yeah, and they’re doing it legally! Legally. They have these meetings every year. They go, “Okay, we got this new drug. We need an illness to go with this drug.” And that’s how illnesses are made, people! You see those commercials that come on in the night. Trying to convince you you’re ill. “Do you find… that your eyes… close at night? Then you need Oxy-moxy-lixy-loxy-loxy-lixy-trip. Side effects may include headaches, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, menstruation in men, and death.” Why would you buy a drug with death as one of the side effects? You’re buying drugs with worse side effects than the illness you’re trying to heal. I saw a commercial for an anti-depressant, and one of the side effects… was suicidal thoughts. You might as well save your money… and have your suicidal thoughts for free. You’re buying drugs… Worse side effects. It doesn’t make any sense. You’re like, “I am bleeding through my anus, yes, but I no longer have fungal toe nails.” I sound angry, I know. I sound angry. I’ll tell you why. I’m from England. We have free health care in England. Free. Free health care. Everybody pays a little extra tax, everybody gets health care. You get sick, you go to the hospital. You come out of hospital, you haven’t lost your house. It’s amazing! I can’t understand how expensive health care is in America. It’s a scam. Whole thing’s a scam. An ambulance in America can cost anywhere between $1,000 and $25,000. For an ambulance to take you to the hospital. I’m sorry, if I got into an accident tomorrow… Ambulance turned up, I’d be like, “Get the fuck out of my face, ambulance guy. Get out of here with your glorified van. I’ve still got one arm working. I’m gonna get my phone out, and I’m gonna summon an UberXL…” You guys are awesome! Good night! Thank you! [“Afro Puffs” by The Lady of Rage plays] ♪ I rock rough and stuff With my Afro puffs ♪ ♪ Rage! Rock on with your bad self ♪ ♪ I rock rough and stuff With my Afro puffs ♪ ♪ Rage! Rock on with your bad self ♪ ♪ I rock on with my bad self ‘Cause it’s a must ♪ ♪ It’s the Lady Of Rage Still kicking up dust ♪ ♪ So let me loosen up my bra strap ♪ ♪ And let me boost ya with my raw rap ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’mma break it down To the nitty-gritty one time ♪ ♪ When it comes to the lyrics I gets busy with mine ♪ ♪ Busy as a beaver, ya best believer ♪ ♪ This grand diva’s runnin’ shit With the speed of a cheetah ♪ ♪ Meet a lyrical murderer ♪ ♪ I’m serving ’em like two scoops of chocolate… ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jo Koy: Comin’ in Hot (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-ko-comin-in-hot-transcript/

[announcer] Hawaii. Are you ready? [cheering and applause] Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jo Koy! [“Uproar” plays] ♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go ♪ ♪ Bow, get the fuck though I don’t bluff, bro ♪ ♪ Aimin’ at your head like a buffalo ♪ ♪ You a roughneck, I’m a cutthroat ♪ ♪ You’re a tough guy That’s enough jokes ♪ ♪ Then the sun die The night is young though ♪ ♪ The diamonds still shine ♪ That’s what I’m talking about. Yes! Had to bring it to Hawaii, baby. [cheering] Aloha is real. If you’re in a bad mood, just [whoosh], shoot them with some Aloha. [laughter] You guys are like Care Bears, it just comes out of your chests. [laughter] “Someone having a bad day?” [whoosh] [laughter] Oh, shit. People in Hawaii brag about shit that no one else brags about. [laughter] That’s real! ‘Cause you cher… you cherish the things that you have. It’s yours. I love this, it’s mine, brother. [cheering] I had a guy walk up to me, he was like, “Hey, brother, you see my… you see my brand new 2003 Toyota Tacoma? [laughter] Cherry, bro. Fucking cherry! [laughter] Lifted, bro. Lifted. Lifted, 2003! Brand new, 2003. [laughter] Toyota Tacoma.” [laughter] You don’t care, you’re laid back. You live in paradise. You don’t have time… You’re not uptight. You go out, “Good, we go out.” Dress nice. “Okay, dress nice.” [laughter] Nice outfit, “Where’s my slipper? [laughter] Where’s my slipper?” You guys will wear a slipper. “Slipper!” Always, “Slipper.” [laughter] “Slipper.” Fucking brand new outfit, “Slipper.” [laughter] No one outside of Hawaii knows what “slipper”… I’ll tell you what “slipper” is. It’s fucking, look… – Look, “Slipper.” – [laughter] “Slipper, slipper, slipper. [cheering] Slipper, slipper, slipper, slipper.” I don’t even know why you wear it. They’re barely on your fucking foot. [laughter] [laughter] That’s how you guys walk. [laughter] “Slipper” at the front of your foot. You’re not even… It’s not even on your foot. You just, kick the slipper, step. Kick, step, kick slipper, step, kick slipper, step, kick… [laughter] You love the vowels. You guys love vowels. [laughter] You don’t care. A, the letter A. [laughter] How many A’s can you put in one street name? [laughter] How many A’s? That’s too many A’s. [laughter] That’s why if anyone comes to Hawaii, I’m talking to the world right now, if you come to Hawaii, don’t ask for directions. [laughter] – All the streets sound the same. – [laughter] Ask for directions, they’ll be like, “Oh, that’s easy, brother. This how you get there. You just go down Kaleakalakaka. [laughter] Make a right turn on Laukaladakalakau. Left turn on Naukauaakala. And then a right turn on Ahaahahaha’aaa. [cheering] Love everything about Hawaii. Can’t get enough of it. I don’t even listen to the music and I love it. When I’m here, I can’t stop listening to it. Don’t know any of the words. I don’t care. [laughter] I drive and I sing… [imitates Hawaiian music] [laughter] [continues singing] [cheering] [continues singing] You’re clapping. I just made that song up. [laughter] You guys don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying. [laughter] All I did was the vowels… [singing] [laughter] [cheering] That hula is this shit! Hula is everything. That is the sexiest dance ever. All that shit they’re doing now, all the sexy dances they’re doing, – they stole it from the hula. – [laughter] Hula… that shit is sexy. She talks to the man through dance. – [laughter] – That is sexy. She tells him what she wants through dance. “You come see me… [laughter] when the sun go down. [laughter] You take me to dinner. [laughter] If I like you… [laughter] I give you pussy.” [laughter] [applause] Everybody, look at this. Every culture. Every race. Every ethnicity is in here, hanging out, laughing. “Good time.” They don’t care, “Good time, bro.” They don’t give a shit. And we look… I look out into the crowd, you can’t tell us apart. You can’t! You know how many Mexicans my mom walks up to and goes, “Filipino?” [laughter] “Mexican!” “Sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry.” [laughter] There’s a way you can tell Asians apart from other Asians. It’s by their accent, and only if they have accents. [laughter] Out of all the Asians, Koreans are the easiest, ’cause when a Korean person talks, they sound like they’ve been smoking weed all day. [laughter] Like right before they talk to you… [inhaling] [imitates Korean] [laughter] [continues imitating Korean] Koreans sound like Asian ghosts. [imitates Korean] [laughter] My best friend growing up was Korean. I remember the first time I went to his house, his dad yelled from upstairs. I thought the fucking house was haunted. – [laughter] – Swear to God, right when I walked in… [imitates Korean] [laughter] [imitates Korean] [laughter] – I was like, “What the fuck was that?” – [laughter] “Ah, it’s my dad. He just wants to know if you’re hungry.” [laughter] You can do that with any Asian. Vietnamese. [laughter] What? I haven’t even done anything yet. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people. – You’re my… I love you. – [cheering] You’re the smallest of the Asians. [laughter] You’re smaller, but I will tell you this, don’t fuck with Vietnamese people. They will fight anybody. [laughter] Those little fuckers will fight any… They don’t give a shit. I don’t care how strong you are, they will fight you. – They will run up to you and say shit. – [rapid shuffling] [laughter] That’s their little feet. [rapid shuffling] [laughter] I had one run up to me at the end of the show. – [rapid shuffling] – [laughter] “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude?” [laughter and applause] – They talk… – [cheering] [Jo laughing] They talk… They talk real fast… You know they talk that fast. They talk like this, real fast, like, “Dude, what you say to me like that, dude?” – [laughter] – They talk real fast like that, dude. [laughter] Koreans sound like they’ve been smoking weed all day. Vietnamese people sound like they’ve been doing cocaine their whole life. [sniffs] “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don’t you talk to me like that, dude. What you say to me like that?” [laughter] Vietnamese people put a period after every word that come out. “Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me. Like. That. Dude?” [laughter] Vietnamese people go real high. [high tone] They go real high, like that, dude. [low tone] They go down low, like that. They start low, like that, dude. [high tone] Then they’ll go real high like that, dude. [laughter] Vietnamese people sound like they’re in a car far away and they drive by you real fast when they’re talking to you. Like, “Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don’t say that!” Man, say that shit again, man. Get out the car and say that shit. [cheering and applause] Japanese. – [laughter] What? [laughs] [deep moan] – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Japanese, only if they have accents you can tell us apart. Japanese, very distinct. When a Japanese man talks… [deeply] it come from diaphragm. [laughter] [imitates Japanese accent] This where Japanese man purr. [laughter] Huh! Hi! [laughter] Japanese! – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Japanese woman, doesn’t matter if she’s 12 years old, or 75 years old, they always sound 12 years old. [upbeat, high-pitched speech] Let’s go! Okay! [laughter and applause] That’s why no one watches Japanese porn. [laughter] No one watches Japanese porn. You know how annoying that shit is to watch? [imitates man, deep voice] [imitates woman, upbeat] All right, let’s go! [laughter] [imitates man] [imitates woman] Oh-oh, keep going! – [laughter] – [imitates man] [imitates woman] Uh-oh, in my eye! Ooh! Ooh! [laughter, applause, and whistling] [Jo laughing] Ever since my last Netflix special, I’ve been getting a lot of Mexicans coming to my shows. – [cheering] – A lot of Mexicans come to my shows now. And they always come up to me and say the same shit at the end of my show. They always go, “Hey fucker.” [laughter] Sorry. [laughter] It’s so racist. I don’t know why. I don’t know why… “Hey fucker.” Why… Why when I impersonate a Mexican guy, I always gotta sound like… I always gotta sound like I’m falling off a cliff. [laughter] It’s so fucked up. [laughter] It’s a horrible impersonation, but that’s what they sound like. They always sound like they’re falling off the cliff. [laughter] The longer the sentence, the further the fall. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Mexicans always come up to me and say the same thing at the end of my shows, all the time. They’re like, “Hey, your mom’s just like my mom. Everything your mom does, my mom does.” [laughs] What’d I say? “Everything…” You look like a cholo, I swear to God. – Its scaring the shit out of me. [laughs] – [laughter] I’m trying to do this joke, but this guy’s like, “Say it right, fucker. [laughter] “Say it right, fucker. Don’t…” [laughter] You know how hard is it to be funny when a cholo’s looking at me like this? [laughter] What’s your name, bro? – Jason. – Jason? – Are you Filipino or Mexican? – I’m Filipino. He’s fucking Filipino! – Goddammit. – [cheering and applause] See what the fuck I’m talking about? – You look like my brother, man. – [laughter] Jason? [laughs] See, this is what I want everyone to know, man. There’s a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos look a like. There’s a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos relate. It’s a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub. [laughter] That’s not the only common bond we have. I don’t want you to come up to me at the end of the show, “Hey, my mom use Vick’s VapoRub too. That’s so crazy.” – No, it’s not. – [laughter] There’s a reason why. There’s a reason why we relate on so many other levels. Spain conquered the Philippines for over 350 years. That’s real shit. You guys bred with us. [laughter] We’re the first hybrid race. That’s what Filipinos are: Spanish, Asian. Filipino. [laughter] That’s what we are. It’s a bad thing what happened, but it’s also a good thing. We got a lot of their traits, a lot of their culture. Know what I’m saying? We look like ’em. Look at us. We’re two hour flight from Japan. We are in the heart of Asia, that’s where for the Philippines sits. But look at us, we don’t even have Asian last names. [laughter] Because they left their fucking names there. [laughter] We don’t have Asian names, we have Latino last names. Look at our fucking last names. In my family alone, De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez. We’re fucking Mexicans! [laughter and cheering] We are the Mexicans of Asia. [laughter] That’s… that’s real talk. Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do. Everything! What do you guys have? Quinceañera, debut. [laughter] We got that from them, right? We celebrate the daughter when she turns 15, right? She’s 15? Same shit! Throw a big ass party. Mexicans do that shit all the time, right? “You’re 15, you’re ready to be a woman, mija, it’s your quinceañera.” “Are you sure Papa? I’m only 15.” [laughter] “Yes, I’m sure. [laughter] Your mother’s only 30.” [laughter] Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up! That was fucked up. But it’s funny, come on. [laughter] – Is it fucked up? It’s just a joke! – [laughter] Fuck! Stop being sensitive. Go fuck yourselves! [laughter] Stereotypes are funny for a reason, ’cause they’re true. [laughter] We all have stereotypes. Embrace it. Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit? Not all Filipinos are nurses, but a lot of you motherfuckers are. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I don’t know all these Filipinos in here, but I know one thing, – we have the same uncle. – [laughter] Every holiday, he has to talk to everybody. And we dread it, ’cause it takes forever to talk to him. ‘Cause he doesn’t even know what he wants to say. He always starts off every conversation like this, “Ah… [laughter] You know, uh… Josep, ah… [laughter] Remember the… [laughter] The… Shit, the…” – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Always, “Ah…” [laughter] I took… [laughs] I took my uncle to the to the mall, and we were in the food court. We’re just sitting there, he’s just trying to talk. And he’s loud, so everyone’s watching. That’s the part that embarrassed me the most, ’cause he’s loud, and everyone’s looking, and he’s like, “Ah… Josep, you remember the… that, uh… one time you… got me… – the…” – I’m like, “What? What are trying to say?” “Hey, I’m trying to tell you. Wait! [laughter] Don’t rush me, huh. I’m trying to think and you’re rushing… Don’t rush me, huh! [laughter] The… that one time you got me…” Everyone’s watching. Everyone in the food court is looking. “Ah… that, ah, you got me a drink? [laughter] You got me that drink?” “Yeah, I got you that drink. What about it?” “Yeah, and, uh, you come back, it had that, uh… that big straw? – [laughter] – Remember, it has that big straw. I look at it, go, ‘Putang ina, that’s a big straw!’ [laughter] Remember that, you look at this big straw, and then you got mad at me?” – “Yeah, what about it?” – “Yeah, you told me to just drink it. – [laughter] – Remember? You told me, ‘Just drink it.'” “Yeah, what about it?” – Everyone’s watching. Everyone’s watching. – [laughter] “Yes, so I start to drink like that, and… [laughs] – [laughter] – I’m… I… I’m drinking like that and I start sucking on the straw… [laughter] And then, this, uh, black ball starts shooting in my mouth… – [laughter] – And I’m sucking. I’m sucking like that, and I’m… I’m… Black balls are in my mouth and I’m sucking and choking on these black balls. I got mouth full of black balls, and I’m choking, sucking…” “Shut the fuck up! [laughter] Boba, it’s fucking boba!” [laughter] “Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit.” [laughter] That’s why Filipinos should only be nurses. [laughter] Just be nurses, don’t be doctors. Imagine my uncle a doctor, during surgery. [laughter] “Nurse, can I get the, uh… [laughter] the… oh shit. The… you know, that, uh… you know, to cut the… to cut, uh… you know, the…” The nurse is like, “Putang ina, what? They all cut, what? What do you need, doctor?” “The… the shit… the… the…” “He’s dying, what the fuck do you need? What? What? Say it.” “The shit… the… the…” [laughter] We are a stereotype. Filipinos morph into a fucking stereotype. I don’t know what it is, they just morph into a goddamn stereotype. I talked about that on my last special, but look, look around you. They’re here. [laughter] See, my mom‘s not here tonight, but I look out, and fuck, there she is! [laughter] Short hair, glasses. [laughter] Purse on the lap. – Look, right there, there she is. – [laughter] There she is. Handkerchief, handkerchief. [laughter] Louis Vuitton purse. Confused, “Where are we? [laughter] [Jo laugh] Where… where are we? What is this?” [laughter] I love us. They got to have that Louis Vuitton purse. That’s their purse. You know how many Louis Vuitton purses I bought my mom? So many. You know what she puts in it? Snacks. [laughter] It’s the most expensive lunch box you’ll ever see. [laughter] And they’re not even good snacks. [laughter] All my friends, when I was a kid, man, they would go to the mom, “Mom, can I get a snack?” And she’d pull out delicious snacks out of her purse. Doritos. Fun Size Snickers. I run up to my mom… Shit! [laughter] Her snacks were something she took from a restaurant. [laughter] Run up to my mom, “Mom, can I get a snack?” “Oh, here’s some oyster crackers.” [laughter] Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup. [laughter] And she wants me to eat this before I go to class. “Put that in your stomach.” I’d put it in my… [chokes] [laughter] [choking] – “Swallow it!” – [chokes] [laughter] [chokes] [laughter] That’s my mom’s hustle. That’s any mom’s hustle, I swear to God. And here’s the thing, man, it doesn’t matter how much they make, It doesn’t matter. They will get free shit. [laughter] “If it’s there, get it.” My mom said that to me all the time, “Get it. – [laughter] – Go back in there and get it.” [laughter] “Get what?” “Just what… that… whatever that is. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] Just get more, grab more. [laughter] Put it in the purse. Put it in the purse. Go! [laughter] Get it, get extra.” She always said that, “Get extra. Joseph, go back in there and get extra. Get extra.” You know what “get extra” means? Steal! [laughter] Steal! She wants her kid to fucking steal. [laughter] “Get extra.” I used to hate going to McDonald’s. [laughter] ‘Cause she’d always make me go back in, “Go back in there and get extra napkins.” [laughter] “Why?” “Because we need extra for the… the house. [laughter] Get extra, Joe. Go, go back in there.” “God, how many do you need?” [laughter] “Well, your birthday is coming up. Go back in there.” – [laughter] – “Fuck!” [laughter and cheering] Stuffing my pocket with napkins. I’m so mad, I’m looking at my mom. She’s out in the parking lot. [groans] I’m crying. [sobs] [laughter] She doesn’t care. “The other pocket! Fill it!” [laughter] My son has no idea how that feels. He doesn’t know. I buy napkins. [laughter] I buy expensive napkins, because I’m traumatized. [laughter] Stealing napkins my whole life. I don’t want my son to go through that shit. My son doesn’t know how embarrassing birthdays are. My birthday sucked. My mom was handing out slices of cake to all the kids, then she hand out napkins. None of them match. “KFC, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King, KFC, Cheesecake Factory, ooh that’s a good one. That’s… that’s a lot thicker than the other.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] These kids got a good though. Fifteen-year-old kid. Man, my son has no idea. He has no idea how good he’s got it. These fucking millennials, millennials! Is that what they’re called this year? Millennial? Gen X? Millennial? Pussies! [laughter] Is that what they’re called, pussies? They’re pussies. All of them, pussies. If there’s 15-year-olds in here, you’re fucking pussy, all of you. [laughter] Fucking pus… Right? Am I my fucking right? They complain. You can’t… you can’t yell at ’em. They’ll… they’ll say something. You’ll get in trouble. They go, “Oh my God, my… my mom yelled at me, and I’m so scared to go to the house, ’cause my mom yelled at me.” Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me? [laughter] You’re scared to go home ’cause you’re mom yelled at… That’s all my mom did, was yell at me. That was the only language my mom spoke, was yell. “Ha? – What? – [laughter] – Say it again! – [laughter] Say it again! Say it! – What did you say, Joseph? – [laughter] What did you say? Turn around. Turn around, Joseph. [sobbing] [laughter] That’s the only language my mom talked. Yell! “Ha? When? When did you do it? Where? Where did you go? Ha? What? [laughter] Did you lose your lunch box?” I remember when I lost my lunch box one time, holy shit! [laughter] That’s how my mom disciplined. Through the… She never, like, physically touched. She… she verbally attacked you. That’s when she went after you. She’d break you down in words. Interrogation. – Two and a half hours of yelling. – [laughter] “What? Where… where’s your lunch box, Joseph? Where did you put it?” “I… I don’t know!” [laughter] “What do you mean ‘you don’t know’? Where? Where did you go? You go from house to school. School to house. Where the fuck did you lose it? [laughter] What? You just take your lunch box, put it anywhere, ‘Oh, I don’t know where. I don’t know where anything is. I don’t know where.’ [laughter] Where’s your lunch box, Joseph? Where? Where did you put it?” “I don’t… I don’t know!” Then she’ll just repeat what I said in a stupid voice. [deep voice] “I don’t… I don’t know! [laughter] How do you not know, Joseph? How?” “I don’t know, Mom, what do you want me to say?” “Tell me where it is?” – “I don’t…” – [laughter] Two hours of that. – “Where?” – “I don’t know.” – “Ha?” – “I don’t…” [laughter] She wants me… she want me to have snot coming out of my mouth, and then breathe it in at the same time. – That’s when she’s happy. – [laughter] That’s what my mom knows she got me. [mumbling] I don’t know where… [choking] [laughter] [choking] [choking] That’s when she walks up to me, “Okay, okay, breathe, Joseph, breathe. – Breathe. My God.” – [choking] “Breathe, my God, Joseph. Breathe, breathe. Breathe” [choking] [laughter] “It’s just a lunch box.” [laughter] [chokes] [cheering and applause] Then she’s gotta embarrass me. Then she’s got to put my lunch in a Tupperware container. That’s how she embarrasses me. She always says, “I’m going to put your lunch in a Tupperware container.” And then, I’d cry more, “Why? I don’t want to go to school.” “Why not?” “Because I don’t want to go to school with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares.” [laughter] ‘Cause that shit’s embarrassing. If I send my son to school with the Tupperware container, he goes to school with a clear bowl, and it’s got a blue lid, and it says Tupperware on the lid. My son would be proud to go to school with that shit. My mom’s Tupperware… [laughter] usually an empty Cool Whip container… [laughter] Country Crock. [laughter] One time, she put it in an empty Neapolitan ice cream container. Had the red handles, she put my homework and my lunch. It looked like a fucking briefcase, like what the fu… [laughter] Put my lunch in a Cool Whip container, that shit is so embarrassing. Then she goes, “Grab a Sharpie so I can write your name on the lid.” Like… Like someone else has a Cool Whip container lunch box. [laughter] “I’m pretty sure I’m the only one with a Cool Whip container lunch box.” “You never know, Joseph.” “No, I know.” [laughter] I’m walking around the lunch room, looking for a place to sit, with my Cool Whip container lunch box. [laughter] All the other kids are looking at me. “Whoa. [laughter] Your mom’s gonna let you eat Cool Whip?” [laughter] “I don’t know what’s inside it.” [laughter] I’m sitting down at the lunch table, with my Cool Whip container lunch box. All these other kids are trading lunches in front of me, but no one wants to trade for the mystery bucket. [laughter] My mouth is watering, ’cause you see all these delicious trades going down. “I’ll give you my turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich, for that peanut butter and jelly.” “I’ll give you my chocolate chip cookies for those Pringles.” [laughter] “I’ll give you my chocolate milk for that Gatorade.” And I’m looking at all of ’em. [laughter] “Does anyone want munggo? [laughter] [cheering] Munggo? Munggo? No munggo? It’s so good, munggo? [laughter] You get to keep the container.” [laughter] Some kid was like, “What the fuck is munggo?” [laughter] I had to explain it to him. [laughter] “It’s these little round green beans. [laughter] And it sits on top of a bed of rice. And if you dig deep enough, you might find a shrimp or two.” [laughter] Some other kid was like, “What the fuck is that bag of sauce next to it?” [laughter] “Patis. [laughter] Filipino fish sauce. [laughter] It really accents the flavor of the munggo. [laughter] Don’t spill it on your shirt, you’ll smell like pussy all day. [laughter] Here’s the thing about my son, man. He doesn’t know what a lunch box is. This kid has a debit card. I’m even embarrassed to say this. His school takes credit and he has a debit card. It fucking sucks. Doesn’t know the responsibility of a lunch box, just goes to school and rings it up. I still discipline him. I still get mad at him. He called me on a Wednesday one time, he was like, “Hey Dad, there’s only, like, $0.40 left on my debit card.” [laughter] And I was like, “Oh, my God. [laughter] Go fuck yourself! [laughter] The fuck did you eat on Monday, asshole, filet mignon? [laughter] What, you’re walking into the lunchroom like a fucking nightclub? “Ah, chocolate milk’s on this motherfucker, let’s go!” [laughter] I know this is weird for me to even say, but my son doesn’t know what rice is, the way I knew rice… Rice was fucking everything to me. Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch, rice for dinner. And I know there’s a lot of people going, “Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?” Yes, we do. It’s… it’s just last night’s dinner with an egg. That’s all that… that’s all that is. [laughter] And it’s delicious. That’s all we ate was rice. That’s the key to a Asian household, rice. That shit is always cooking. There’s always a pot of rice cooking. The rice cooker is always on. You could get locked in an Asian person’s house, and all the lights are off. – You can find the kitchen. – [laughter] Just look for that little square red light. [laughter] Now, there’s the fucking rice, right there. [laughter] [Jo laughs] I sent my son to go get rice the other day, I go, “Joe, go grab a bag of rice.” And he ran down a couple aisles, and then he came back with this little-ass bag of rice. – [laughter] – Was in his hand like that. And even though I knew that was the bag of rice he was supposed to get, I started reflecting back to when I was his age. The bag of rice I had to get… was a size of this fucking stool. [laughter] That shit was twice my body weight. I had to drag that shit back to my mom. [laughter] It was a big nylon bag, with Chinese writing on the front. Said 50 pounds at the bottom of it. My mom would sit that in the back of the kitchen next to the trash. Top just ripped open. Inside that bag was a coffee mug with a broken handle. [laughter] She called that a measuring cup. [laughter] She taught me how to make rice. I remember that day. “I’m going to teach you how to make rice, and this is the only time I’m going to teach you.” – [laughter] – “Okay. How do I do it?” “You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph, put it in the pot, put water in the pot, squish it around. Clean the rice like that. If the water is cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. Put more water in there. Squish it around. Squish it around. If the water is still cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. Continue the process, Joseph, until the water is clear. When the water is clear, add water. It’s ready to cook.” “Well, then, how much water do I add?” “Just fill it to this line right here, Joseph.” [laughter and cheering] This is how you cook perfect rice. I want the world to know that right now. This is an ancient fucking secret. [laughter] Every Asian knows how to make rice, and this is how you do it. You don’t need a measuring cup, and you don’t need no fucking rice cooker. All you need is rice, a pot, and this fucking line right here. [laughter] [cheering] And I know there’s people watching right now, “How do you do that? That doesn’t make any sense.” Well, let me explain it to you. Put as much rice as you want in any pot, then fill it up with water. “How much water, Joe?” Well, you touch the top of the rice with this finger right here, and fill it up with water till it hits that fucking line right there. [laughter] Perfect rice. [cheering] This kid’s got it so good now. So good. Disciplining him is easier too, though, I will say that. It is a lot easier to discipline my son. My mom had to be creative. With me, shit, it’s easy. If my son fucks up, and this is anyone, though, with a teenager, they fuck up, what do you do? Take their phone away. That shit works. You don’t have to verbally abuse ’em, you don’t have to physically touch ’em. Just take their fucking phone away. My son doesn’t know what to do when I take his phone away. My son physically breaks down when I take his phone away. [laughter] I’m like, “Give me that phone.” He’s like, “Ah, Dad, ah. [laughter] What do I do now, Dad?” [laughter] He’s never seen his hand before. “What is this? Hello?” [laughter] My mom, when she disciplined, shit! Like I said, she never hit me, but goddamn, man. I remember one time, I was hiding in the closet, and she walked by and I scared her. Jumped out, “Ba!” [laughter] – My mom got so… “Ah!” – [laughter] “You think that’s funny? [laughter] Jump out and scare me like that, ha? [laughter] Get back in that closet. [laughter] Get back in there. Sit there. You sit there till I tell you to come out. Sit there.” [laughter] And I sat in that closet. And then she forgot I was in that fucking closet. [laughter] She came back with laundry, “Ha, what are you doing here?” “You told me to go here. [laughter] [crying] I’ve been here all day.” [laughter] She didn’t even apologize. “Just go to your room, it’s late now. [laughter] Go to my room crying. She didn’t give a shit. [laughter] Called her sister, bragged about what she did. [laughter] “You’re not going to believe what I did to Joseph. [laughter] [laughing] I put him in the closet. [laughter] All day! All day, I swear to God. I was even walking around, ‘Where the fuck is Joseph?'” [laughter] My son, goddammit. He’s 15. Here’s the thing about 15-year-old boys, man. He thinks he’s being slick and he’s not. [laughter] I keep telling him that, too. And that’s the thing. If you got boys, if you got a little boy, just be honest with ’em, talk to ’em like dudes. I can’t speak for girls. I’m just saying, if you have a little teenage boy, talk to ’em like dudes, they’ll respect you more. I don’t hide shit, I don’t candy coat shit. I let my son know. Like, “Joe, I know what you did in there.” [laughter] “What are you talking about, Dad?” “Well, I’m just saying, like, I was 15. And I know what you did in there. Like, all the creepy shit you’re doing, I did too. [laughter] I was just better at it.” [laughter] “What are you talking about, Dad?” “Joe, come on, man. I know what you… You were in the shower for 30 minutes, man. I know what you did.” “I didn’t do… I just took a shower.” I’m like, “You didn’t take a shower.” “How do you know I didn’t take a shower?” “Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes, and your hair is dry. [laughter] Bought you a big bottle of Head and Shoulders and it’s empty. [laughter] But you still have dandruff. I don’t know how… what… [laughter] But your dick always smells like mint. It’s just mint. Mint and zinc come from here. [laughter] It’s Head and Shoulders, Joe, not Dick and Hand. That’s it. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] [laughing] It says Head and Shoulders! It doesn’t say Dick and Hand, Joe. It says Head and Shoulders. [laughter] It’s not slick. Come on, man. “All right, Dad. All right.” That’s how my son is now. Now he’s cool with it, “All right. All right. [laughter] I promise. I’ll be… I won’t… I’ll make it so you don’t know.” [laughter] Then he went to high-five me, “I promise.” I’m like, “I’m not gonna fucking shake your hand.” – [laughter] – I’m not gonna touch the murder weapon. [laughter] Good-looking kid, man. He’s got a full head of hair, man. He’s got a big afro, man. He’s got dark skin. All right, he’s got the darker skin. He’s been going to a lot of the other football games from other schools, and all the kids are asking him if he’s half-black. He even came up to me, like, “Dad, a lot of kids think I’m half-black.” I’m like, “All right, what’d you say?” He goes, “I’ve been saying yes.” [laughter] “Why would you say that?” “I don’t know, like, they don’t know.” “Well, how about when I come pick you up or something, and they notice that you’re not half-black?” He’s like, “Well, just don’t pick me up.” [laughter] And then he asked me if he can get a DNA test, ’cause he saw a commercial, and he’s like “Hey, Dad, let’s get one of those DNA tests.” “Why do you want to get a DNA test?” “Let’s just see, maybe there’s black in the family, Dad? Maybe a long… maybe a long time ago, there… maybe a long time ago there was someone black in our family, and it’s catching up to me, Let’s just see, it would be fun.” I’m like, “Joe, there’s no black in the family.” “You don’t know. Let’s just see.” I’m like, “Joe, there’s no black in the… Your aunt married a black guy, but that doesn’t help you at all.” [laughter] “Come on, Dad. Just get it. Just get it. It’ll be cool. Just get it.” [laughter] So I got it. [laughter] And we’re gonna do it. And I hope, I don’t know… I hope it comes back black. I don’t know… [laughter] If the results come back black, I’m just gonna be like, “Um… get the fuck out of my house. [laughter] – Go find your real dad. Who the fuck… – [laughter] Who the fuck is this kid? Give me back that debit card, motherfucker. [laughter] He’s constantly fucking with me. Always fucking with me. – Oh, I’m sorry there’s a wire. – [laughter] A black guy right here, I’m sorry. [laughter] – That’s… no. What’s your name, sir? – Malcolm. Malcolm. Goddammit, couldn’t get any blacker than that, shit! – [laughter] – Motherfucker! Shit. Malcolm. [laughs] [laughter] Of course it is. [laughter] – Is this… is this your lady? – This is my wife. – And what are you? What’s your ethnicity? – I’m Filipino. – You’re Filipino. See, this is what… – [laughter] This is what my son’s parents should look like, right here. [laughter] My son’s parents are here! [laughter] You think I’m joking? Wait… wait till I bring ’em out. You’re gonna be like, “Oh fuck, that is our kid, shit!” [laughter] You know my son ran up to me one time… This is true story. We were, uh… I was, uh… I was in my room, and he ran up to me, he always fucks with me. But he… ‘Cause he’s got such a beautiful head of hair. Right? It’s fucking beautiful, man. And, um… He looks like one of the Jacksons, from the Five, like, “Hey!” Like… [laughter] [cheering] But… [laughs] And it comes up to me, Malcolm, and he goes… “Dad, when I get older, am I gonna be bald like you?” [laughter] And that hurt me so bad. [laughter] Like, he doesn’t understand how hard that hurt. And I was like… So I wanted to, like, let him know that it hurt, but not with words, just by my tone. I was like, “You know what, Joe? You get your hair from your mom’s side. [laughter] And on your mom’s side, everyone has a full head of hair. That’s probably why you have so much hair. So you have to be worried about being bald like your dad.” [laughter] And my son goes, “Sweet! [laughter] Sweet!” And went into his fucking room like an asshole. [laughter] And I was crushed. I was like, “Man, fuck this kid, man.” [laughter] That’s why any time he asks a question, I have an opportunity to knock him down, I do it, Malcolm. Fuck him, man. [laughter] He came up to me, like, two weeks after that. And he was like, “Dad.” He was like all sad. “Dad, can I talk to you for a second, please and you promise you won’t make a joke?” [laughter] “Yeah. I pr… I promise.” [laughter] “No, I’m serious, Dad. Like, it’s been bothering me, and I need to talk to you about this, so please, no jokes.” “All right, Joe, talk to me. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” “Okay, um… Ah… I don’t even know how to say this. Um… Okay, I’ve been growing my pubic hairs for a couple years now…” [laughter] “Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic. [laughter] Like, you can’t just come in hot like that, man. You gotta… warn me, let me know. – I’m trying to eat lunch right now. – [laughter] – Now I got pubic hairs on my mind.” – [laughter] “All right, come on, Dad. You said you were gonna not joke around, I’m being serious. Like, listen to me. I’ve been growing pubic hairs for a while now, like for a couple years.” “Yeah, you’re a teenager, that’s what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to grow your pubic hairs, what’s bothering you? Why is that making you mad?” “No, just listen to me.” “Okay, I’m listening. What? What’s bothering you?” “Okay, well, I always thought, Dad, that once you start to grow your pubic hairs, that… that the penis was supposed to start growing.” [laughter] “Yeah, and?” “My penis isn’t growing, Dad! [laughter] Just my pubic hairs. [laughter] My penis is still the same size from two years ago, but my pubic hairs are long, Dad. It just keeps growing. I don’t get it, Dad. Dad! [laughter] Dad! [laughter] Dad!” [laughter] I didn’t know what to do. I just got on my phone like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] He’s like, “What are you doing, Dad?” And I was like… “I’m canceling that DNA test.” [laughter] [cheering] “Oh, my God, Dad. Does everything have to be a joke, Dad? Does everything have to be a joke?” And I was like, “Well, you made fun of my hair. [laughter] Now I’m making fun of yours.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, Dad. Come on. Seriously. I don’t understand what’s going on. Dad, what’s going on? What’s supposed to happen? I’ve been waiting, nothing’s happening, Dad. Dad! Dad!” I just grabbed him. Grabbed him, I was like, “Yo, stop. Stop fucking crying. – [laughter] – Stop!” “Well, tell me what I’m supposed to do. I don’t get it, Dad.” “Well, stop crying, first of all.” “Well, then, tell me. What?” I go, “Listen to me. Look at me. Listen to me.” “Oh, my God, what, Dad?” “Unfortunately, Joe… [laughter] That comes from your mom’s side too.” [laughter] Okay, now…[laughs] [laughter] Now here’s a fucked-up part about the story. I lied to my son. [laughter] He didn’t get that from his mom’s side. [laughter] That’s 100% my dick, 100%. [laughter] I knew it was mine when he described it. I was like, “Oh, shit. That’s mine. I got the same… I got the same fucking thing.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] But I’m not gonna tell him that. I’m not gonna be like, “Yeah, that’s the family dick and I’m heading down to you.” Like no, fuck that! [laughter] It’s the dick I hand down from generation to generation. – [laughter] – [Jo laughs] I’m not gonna tell him that. That’s the hand he was dealt. Now he has to play his own cards. I had a small dick and it worked. [laughter] Worked for me, goddammit. It’ll work for him. Not gonna be sad about it. He’s gotta deal with it. Deal with it. I’d be sad if he walked up to me and was like, “Dad, I don’t have a dick.” I’d be like, “Oh shit! – [laughter] – [laughing] I’m so sorry. [laughter] [laughing] Oops! Maybe Malcolm isn’t your dad.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] Fuck you, Malcolm, you’re laughing too hard at that shit. – [laughter] – Fuck you, man. See? Laughing hard at the big black dick joke. [laughter] But then he got mad at the Malcolm joke, “Oh, ’cause I’m black. Gotta have a name like Malcolm.” [laughter] Stereotypes are funny for a reason, for that reason right there alone. That’s a good stereotype, Malcolm, and you know it. Your whole life, you’ve been blessed with that stereotype. [laughter] The big dick stereotype. We don’t know if you have a big dick, but none of us in here wanna take that bet. [laughter] [applause] [cheering] We just assume Malcolm has a big dick, ’cause that’s your stereotype. Just like you assume I’m good at math. Fuck you, Malcolm. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s the fucked-up part. That’s the fucked-up part, Malcolm. You can’t get mad when someone else calls you out on another stereotype, ’cause it’s just funny. We’re just having fun, man. So, don’t get mad. If you’re gonna take that stereotype, you have to take ’em all, Malcolm. You have to take ’em all. Don’t be biased with your stereotypes. Don’t get mad if someone walks up to you, “Hey, you like chicken?” – “Why? ‘Cause I’m black, motherfucker?” – [laughter] Black man’s gotta like chicken all the time, motherfucker?” [laughter] “You got a big dick?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] [laughing] Unfortunately… Unfortunately… I don’t have a big dick. [laughter] And neither does my son. [laughter] [Jo laughing] Oh, this is gonna suck for my son when this goes out on Netflix. [laughter] Goddammit. Fuck! [laughter] [Jo laughing] [laughter] He’s gonna walk through the hallways at his school, and everyone gonna be like this, “Whoa.” [laughter] “It was just a joke.” [laughing] No, it wasn’t! [laughter] [laughing] That shit is real. [laughter] So what? He has a small dick, and? It doesn’t matter. Small dick… fuck it. It’ll work. It works. It fucking works. [laughter] I’m gonna… You know what? Here’s the thing. He’s gonna go through his teenage years, be insecure about his small dick. Then he’ll go through his twenties, probably build-up some confidence, I think. Then he’ll get to his thirties. If he’s not confident about his small dick then, then I’ll step in and talk to him. [laughter] Then I’ll walk up to him, like, “Hey man. Hey! Still mad about that small dick thing?” [laughter] – [deep voice] “Yeah, Dad. It sucks.” – [laughter] – That’s my son, 30-year-old voice. – [laughter] – “Yeah, Dad. It sucks. – [laughter] I’m 30 years old, I got a 15-year-old dick. [laughter] [Jo laughs] Here, I’m gonna do it to this side, “Yeah, I’m 30 years old, – I got a 15-year-old dick, Dad. – [laughter] What the fuck?” [laughter] That’s what I’ll grab him. “Listen to me. All right? Listen to me.” “What? What, Dad? What could you possibly tell me?” [laughter] I’ll just tell him, “From the bottom my heart, look, Joe, you got a small dick and… This is all you got to do. Fix your credit.” [laughter] And that’s the truth, Malcolm. [applause] [Jo laughs] You ever want to live… If you ever wanna live the big dick life, like Malcolm… [laughter] – …fix your fucking credit. – [laughter] You got a small dick, fix your credit. That’s the truth. You got a small dick? Good credit make your dick grow ten inches. [laughter] That’s the truth. And there’s a lot of guys in here that have a small dick, just like me. You’re just not laughing as hard. [laughter] Trying to play it off. [laughter] Try not to laugh, like this part of the joke doesn’t relate to you. You’re just looking at me like this. [laughter] But the girl you came with his dying. [imitates girl laughing] [laughter] “What are you laughing at?” “Fix your fucking credit.” [laughter] [Jo laughs] That’s the truth. Fix your credit. Shit works, man. Look, it works for me. I’m confident. I don’t give a fuck. – [laughter] – I’m single and I got good credit. I’ll tell every woman in here right now, I got a small dick! [laughter] But I got good credit. [laughter] Can a big dick buy you a house? [laughter] This little motherfucker can! [laughter] [cheering and applause] [Jo laughs] [laughing] It’s real talk. Everything you hear, Malcolm, I hear. [laughter] You hear big dick shit? So do I. [laughter] Women aren’t like men, man. Women are different creatures, man. When they love, they love. You take care of a woman, you provide for a woman, you protect. Cherish. Honor. Love. Every… All that shit, make her feel like a queen, watch what she does for your ego. – Watch what a woman does for your ego. – [woman cheers] ‘Cause she knows that’s what’s important to a man, his fucking ego. And men love that shit. She’ll say shit to you that you know goddamn well she shouldn’t be saying to you. [laughter] She lies to you in bed, and you take that lie. – [laughter] – You love that lie, ’cause it makes you feel good. You never question her on that lie. – “Who the fuck are you talking to?” – [laughter] You love it when she says it, you tell her to repeat it. “Ha, oh my… ow!” “Yeah, bitch, ‘Ow!’ ‘Ow!’ It hurts, huh?” “Yeah! Oh, my God!” [laughing] [laughter] Doesn’t matter about the size. Size doesn’t… look at it. See, it’s small, she doesn’t care. She loves you. She loves you. What you doing, the physical act, making love, she loves making love. She doesn’t care about the size, “It’s mine, mine. [smooches] [laughter] Mine, mine. That’s mine. Mine. Muah. I’m gonna sleep on it.” [imitates sleeping] Muah. [laughter] [Jo laughing] So, stop trying to do big dick things. Why do we do that? Stop trying to do big dick things. Stop trying to do shit that Malcolm does naturally. – [laughter] – Stop! Just do you! Do you! I do it all the time. I’m in as far as I can go, but what do I do? I arch my back, like more dick is gonna come out. The fuck am I doing? Like there’s extra dick in my hip. I just need to unlatch it. “There it is, bitch. You feel that shit?” [laughter] Your balls are a natural stopper. Your balls tell you when you’re out of dick. Your balls always tell you. Your balls are like, “That’s all the dick. That’s all the dick. Just balls, Jo. Just balls.” [laughter] Stop trying to do big dick things. Stop. Stop doing this shit, bringing it out and going back in. What are you doing? You have to have laser point accuracy to get back in there. Stop! Stop! Just leave it in there. Leave it in there. Cram that pussy. Cram the pussy. Cram it. Fuck her up. Cram it. Fucking cram. Fucking cram. Cram. Push the bitch. Cram it. “Where the fuck are we going?” Fuck… fucking cram it. “We’re in the kitchen.” [laughter] Just be happy you’ve been invited to the mansion party. [laughter] Just be happy you’ve been invited to the mansion party. That’s her mansion. Her 40-million-dollar mansion. And she’s throwing a party, and there’s only one person on that guest list, you! [laughter] I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. [laughter] Forty-million-dollar mansion party and she’s got one person on the guest list, you. That’s fucking amazing. [laughter] Unfortunately, you can’t go all the way inside the mansion. [laughter] “It’s a big place you got here.” [laughter] But you can compliment the door frame. [laughter] – Jiggle the knob. – [laughter] Jiggle the knob. Look for the spare key. It’s in here, up here, and right there. That’s where the spare key is, I swear to God. Find that shit. [laughter] Malcolm’s upstairs, “They got a Jacuzzi up in this motherfucker.” [laughter] Fuck you, Malcolm. [laughter] [Jo laughs] I’m just gonna tell my son the truth. And be like, “Look Joe, size doesn’t matter. [laughs] Size doesn’t matter.” [laughter] It got quiet in here. [laughter] Does size matter? – [man] Yeah. – Yeah? [laughs] [laughter] Does size matter? [woman] Yes! [laughs] Yeah? Yes? [women] Yes! One no! [laughter] I was right. [laughter] I’m gonna ask again, does size matter? – [women] Yes! – [women] No. Yes. [laughing] No, down here. Yes, up there. [laughter] [Jo laughs] See what good credit will get you. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Good credit gets you downstairs. [laughter] Oh, shit. [laughing] Malcolm’s got front row. He got a big dick and good credit. Motherfucker! Motherfucker! [laughter] You sure you don’t have a big pussy? [laughter] What? Is that fucked up? Stop. I said I had a small dick. Stop. Maybe that wasn’t her yelling. Maybe that was their big pussy like, – “Yes!” – [laughter] “Shut up, big pussy.” “No, he’s a liar.” “Shut up, big pussy.” “No!” [laughter] If… [laughs] If size matters, then why is the number-one sex toy that’s always sold out at the sex shop that little, tiny… [imitates vibrator] [laughter] Look, look at all the women. [imitates vibrator] The size of my dick, right there. – [continues imitating vibrator] – [laughter] Every woman buys that fucking thing. Not one woman goes in the sex shop and goes, “I’ll take this right here. [laughter] I wanna fuck something and scratch my throat at the same time.” [laughter] Every woman… [imitates vibrator] When you use it… [imitates vibrator malfunctioning] [laughter] I love you, Hawaii. Thank you so much, man. [cheering and applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jo Koy: Live from Seattle (2017) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-koy-live-from-seattle-transcript/

Yo Finally here You know I’m finally here Finally here You know I’m finally here I hear these people talking about Where I been I been on tour trying to work it out They talking, like “Man, you finally made it, dawg” Shit, I’m working on copping My second house I remember back when No one wanted to listen Kind of funny who done came and gone But I’m still here And I ain’t going nowhere Nah, it’s my time, homey This where I belong Truth is, I’m a savage… I’m home, you guys. [chuckling] Look at the diversity in this room. Every color. [cheers and applause] That’s what I love about Seattle. There’s, like, every color just mixed with everybody else. [audience laughing] Good shit. We’ve got Latinos out here. [cheering] Somehow you guys swam up. “Just keep going! I swear to God, mijo. Keep going!” When I first moved out here… Like, when I was living out here, this is where the Indian casinos started opening. Like Muckleshoot. Remember that? Is that still around? – [crowd] Yeah! – Muckleshoot? But when an Asian says it, it sounds more Asian than Indian. [Asian accent] “Muckleshoot. You want to play… Where you play? Muck… Muckleshoot. Play blackjack at Muckle… Muckleshoot.” You go to the Indian reservation. I’ve never seen any Indians. There’s more… I don’t see any. It’s just all Vietnamese people and… Chinese people. That’s all. I want to see an Indian. One. Just one. Give me one Indian. I want to see Pocahontas. Just one Pocahontas. Just give me an Indian lady. One Indian lady. I swear to God, if I find her, it’s over. It’s over. I want a hot Indian wife, and I’ll marry her, and I’ll have ten kids with her, just so when I load the van, I can go… One little, two little Three little Indians Four little, five little Six little Indians Seven little, eight little… I love watching… When women laugh, it’s my favorite. Because when women laugh, they laugh hard. They don’t give a shit. If it’s funny, they’re, like, “Oh, my God. Right? Ten Indians. And then he’ll count, like the fucking song! Hilarious! [sobbing] Hilarious!” Women will laugh… Look. Women will laugh and cry. Women will laugh and cry because they’re emotional creatures. They can’t give you one emotion. “I gotta give you two! Ha ha ha! Are you serious? Are you happy? Ha ha ha! Fuck! Fuck! Seriously, stop! Fuck!” [cries] And they do this shit. What is that? Because they’re crying, and that’s their way of drying the tears. Fanning tears. That’s fucking water! You can’t fan water! You don’t get out of the shower and go, “Oh, my God, that shower was amazing. Oh, my God! I’m gonna be late!” Women will laugh and pee. They don’t give a shit. In public. In public! In front of their friends. They don’t give a shit. They’ll tell their friends, “He’s funny, right?” “I know. I just peed a little. I swear to God.” “A little? Bitch, that’s a lot.” “I don’t give a fuck. It’s funny. It’s funny.” And I love it when women laugh and they threaten that they want you to stop, and if you don’t, they’re gonna pee. They threaten you. “Stop. No, seriously, stop! I swear to God, I’m gonna pee! Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop! Stop! I’m gonna pee. Look, look! Seriously. You’re crazy.” This is amazing. Look, she’s crying right now! Where’s the hand? Look at her! And then look at her crotch. Piss. She just pissed. You got that on tape, right? Welcome to Hollywood, bitch. She did exactly what I said. She went like that, then went like that, and she went, like, “Oh, my God. Fucking stop! I’m about to shit! I’m gonna shit. You want me to shit? I’ll shit.” I’m half-white, half-Filipino. That’s what I am. Which means my dad was in the military. That’s not even a joke. That’s real shit. A lot of soldiers were fighting for this country. My dad was dating. I’m his Purple Heart. My dad would say borderline-racist shit to me when I was a kid. Borderline-racist shit. But I knew he was joking. It’s my dad. Just sitting at the dinner table, like, “You know why I married your mom, right?” I’m, like, “Why?” “Because I love Chinese food.” “She’s Filipino, Dad.” “Whatever. Rice is rice.” What the fuck? “Rice is rice!” That’s so racist! I’m not knocking what my mom had to do to get to America. Fuck it. That’s her hustle. That was her hustle. God bless you, Mom. You hooked up with a soldier and had a kid in America. God bless you, Mom. She did what she had to do. She could’ve hooked up with a Filipino and had a kid in the Philippines. You know how much a comedian makes in the Philippines? A chicken and flip-flops. Fuck that. Fuck that. I don’t even like flip-flops. My mom was the shit. My mom and dad divorced when I was, like, ten, 11 years old. My mom had to raise us on her own. She did that shit on her own. Tough as shit. She had… [cheers and applause] Sometimes a little too tough. Like, it was borderline illegal, but… It sucked. My mom never took us to the doctor. My mom raised us like we were still in the Philippines. She tried to cure everything at home, like a real Filipino woman. You had to… You had to die to go to the hospital. Shit. My mom cured everything with Vicks VapoRub. Vicks VapoRub! I should’ve died nine times when I was a kid. That’s abuse! There was one time I thought I had pneumonia. I go, “Mom, I think I have pneumonia.” She goes, “I’ll put extra Vicks on your body, Joseph. Just rub it everywhere, Joseph. Rub it on the bottom of the foot, and then put a sock on the foot, and then the pneumonia will come out of the foot, Joseph.” I’m just smothered in fucking Vicks. I should’ve called the cops. One time I was so sick… I swear to God, true story… I go, “Mom, I don’t feel good. I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep, Mom.” My mom took her finger and stuck it in Vicks and rubbed it on top of my eyelids. On top of my eyelids! That shit burned so bad. I go, “Mom, it burns! I can’t open my eyes!” My mom goes, “Well, then you can sleep. Good night, Joseph.” She didn’t give a shit. Mean. She never hit us. My mom never hit us. She just scared us a lot. She loved to curse, and she used to flex like that. She used to do that shit! She brought that to America! Anyone that does this shit, hey, my mom started that shit. She did it to all of us. You know how embarrassing that is, to get punked by a four-foot-eight Asian woman at the fucking mall? “Get out of the goddamn Foot Locker. Get out of the Foot Locker!” “I’m not even in the Foot Locker!” I used to cry and tell my mom, “Mom, when I have kids, I’m never gonna do what you do to me to my kids.” And my mom looked at me… I swear to God… she put her hand on my shoulder and goes, “Joseph, promise me, okay? Never have kids.” Shit on my dreams. I’m telling you this: I became a comedian, which is totally against the grain when you have a Filipino mom. If you have a Filipino mom, that is not the career choice you’re supposed to have. Filipino moms predetermine what their kids are supposed to be when they grow up. And you know I’m not making this shit up. There’s a lot of Filipinos in here, right now, that are nurses. Today is a good day to get injured at a show… because there will be a nurse in here, like… [in Filipino accent] “Oh, my God. Put a cold compress on the head. Elebate the peet! Elebate… Elebate the peet.” “What the fuck is ‘elebate’?” “Just lipt! Lipt the pucking peet! Are you stupid?” And I’m not… I’m not shitting on you for being a nurse. That’s a great job, great benefits, good money. I’m just saying, it wasn’t your dream. That was your Filipino mom’s dream. My mom wanted me to be a nurse. Are you fucking kidding me? Filipino moms shit on their kids’ dreams. And you know I’m not lying. You know I’m not lying. You can’t have a dream. “What are you talking about… dream?” I told my mom I wanted to be a comedian. She cried. “Why? Why do you want to be a comedian, Joseph? All your aunties are nurses, your cousins are nurses. Do you see any clowns in this family? I don’t. Do you?” Shit on my dream right there. Just looked at me and went like this: “Joseph, who told you you were funny? It wasn’t me.” That’s fucked up. I’m just saying… you’re a nurse, God bless you. But you know there are some nurses out there that didn’t follow their dreams. There are some nurses working at the hospital that wish they were a Jabbawockee. You know exactly what I’m talking about. “Hey, follow me to the X-ray.” “I’ll follow you…” “Goddamn, that nurse can dance.” “It was always my dream. My mother did not believe in me.” Oh, fuck. It’s either nurse or mailman. Mailman’s another strong option. Oh, shit. My mom cried and even suggested, “Joseph, be a mailman. Your uncles are mailmen. Your cousins, they’re mailmen.” My stepdad, he’s white. He’s a fucking mailman! I swear to God. I asked him, “Fred, why’d you become a mailman?” He’s, like, “Your mama told me to become a mailman. She shit on my dreams.” I came home from school, and my mom had my uncle come over and talk to me about getting into the post office. That’s how… Right? It’s fucked up, right? Come home from school, and here’s my uncle. By the way, my uncle is one of those Filipinos that hide their accent. He’s got a thick accent, but he likes to hide the accent because he doesn’t want anyone to think that he has an accent. And it just ends up sounding like a worse accent. He sounds like a Filipino Elvis. And I came home, I came through the door. He got up, he’s, like… [deep voice, thick accent] “Joseph, let me talk to you for a second. So, I hear you want to be a comedian?” Like, what the fuck did you just say? Filipino moms, stop turning into Filipino moms. I can guarantee you right now… There’s a ton of Filipinos in here, but I can tell you, I don’t know any of you, but if you met my mom, I guarantee she looks just like your mom. Identical fucking twins. Just… They’re just cut from the same cloth. I don’t know what it is about Filipino women. They’re beautiful at the age of 20, but right when they hit 69, they all morph into the same Filipino woman. Short hair, glasses. Louis Vuitton purse. “Where are we? Seattle? Moore Theatre?” [chuckling] Break that mold, man. I told my son. I told him. I’m breaking that mold. I looked at my son right in the eyes, and I go, “Joe, look, if you have a dream and you think you want to do it and you believe in it, then chase that dream. It’ll happen.” That’s what I said. [cheers and applause] “As long as you continue to follow that dream, your dad’s got your back. I got you, bro, 100 percent.” He goes, “Oh, my God. Thanks, Dad.” I go, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” He goes, “I want to be an architect.” And I go, “Joe… I’ve seen you draw. You got another dream? What the fuck are you talking about? You ever think about nursing? Get the fuck out of here.” I love my kid, but I understand where my mom’s coming from, because he’s at that age. Right when he turned 12, that’s when he just stopped taking care of himself. And that’s when I stopped taking care of him. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re a parent. Twelve? “You should know how to brush your teeth now. You know what to do, Joe.” But now that I ignore the fact that he doesn’t brush his teeth, I have to fucking deal with the breath. The breath, it comes in hot. Hot. And he’s breathy when he talks. [breathy voice] “Dad. Dad. Dad.” I’m, like, “Joe, what did I tell you to do when you talk to me?” “Face the wall.” “Face the wall and write it down. Let me read what the fuck you’re trying to say to me.” Armpits. God damn it. Armpits smell like chopped onions. And I always get mad. I’m, like, “Joe, why do I smell it first? I’m over here. You’re right fucking here.” I grab the deodorant every time. “Joe, this is all you gotta do. Just rub it under this armpit like that. That’s all you gotta do. Now, listen to me. Here’s the important part. When you go to the other armpit, I want you to go across your mouth.” Just dirty. My son is dirty. He loves it. He thinks it’s the funniest thing. Still doesn’t know how to sneeze correctly. Are you kidding me? My friend had a daughter the same time I had my son. She’s been cute her whole life. When she would sneeze, she’d announce it. “I gotta sneeze, Mommy. I need a napkin.” Her mom would run over with a napkin. “Here you go, baby. Put your nose in the napkin.” “I gotta sneeze, Mom. I gotta sneeze.” [soft sneeze] It’s fucking beautiful. Glitter. When my son sneezes, no announcement. His face just explodes, mid-conversation. It always happens at the restaurant. He’s, like, “Dad, did you see how many points…” [splat] And then I still help him. I grab a napkin. “Here, wipe your face, Joe.” Because I’m a good dad. Let me do that with my mom when I was a kid. Shit. At the dinner table. “Mom, can you pass a…” [splat] “Are you fucking kidding me? Are your hands broken when you sneeze? When you sneeze, you can’t use your fucking hands? You could not go like that? Now there’s boogers on the chicken. You’re eating all the booger chicken, Joseph. All of that is yours. Enjoy boogers and chicken. Delicious, huh?” The whole week, I gotta eat booger chicken sandwiches at school. And she’d make fun of me. “How was your sandwich? Salty, huh? Cover your mouth.” I’m ready for my son, and I’m financially prepared to take care of him for the next 15 years. I know that. As a man, as a dad, I know I have to take care of my son for the next 15 years. Why? Because he’s a boy. Boys don’t leave the fucking house. They don’t leave. How do I know that? Because I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t leave the house till I was 28. “I ain’t leaving. My mom can cook.” And I’m ready for that. Now, if I had a daughter, I wouldn’t put a dime away. Not a penny. Not a cent. Why? Because girls mature quicker, they grow up faster, and they get the fuck out of the house! “Don’t talk to me like that, Mom! That’s bullshit! I’m a fucking woman! Don’t touch me, Dad.” Girls at 18 don’t give a shit. They’re ready for the world. And you know what I’m talking about. Don’t act like you don’t. There’s women in here that left at 18. And the reason why I know is because I have two sisters… Gemma and Rowena. Both of them left at 18, and neither one of them came back. That’s some gangster shit. My sister Rowena was the first one to go. Had a full-time job at Wendy’s. Swear to God. Shift supervisor. She thought she was a fucking millionaire! Showed me her paychecks every week. “Look at this shit. I’m rich.” And she was ready. Got into the last fight with my mom in the living room. She had it. “Whatever, Mom. I’m going. I’m getting the fuck out of here. I’m sick of these fucking rules. I’m old enough to take care of myself. And you know what? Me and Brian, we’ve been looking for a place, and when we find it, I’m fucking out of here!” And my mom just looked at her and goes, “Are you fucking crazy? Get the fuck out of here right now.” And my sister didn’t even flinch. “Fine! Fuck it! I’m out of here!” And she left. My sister left at 18 and never came back. That’s some gangster shit. I remember that day like it was yesterday. She was in the garage, loading the trunk of her car with all her shit, and I was upstairs in my room. And then my sister yelled up to my room, “I love you so much, Joe!” And I started crying. And I looked at my mom. I go, “She’s gonna die! She’s gonna die, Mom!” And my mom looked at me and goes, “Well, then let her die. You want to die with her, Joseph?” “I don’t want to die!” And she left, and she never came back. Then my other sister, Gemma, 18… left. She never came back. My sisters are the shit. The shit! Because I didn’t leave till I was 28. Twenty-eight! And even then I wasn’t sure I was ready to go. I swear to God. I remember standing at the doorway with a garbage bag full of my clothes, and I looked at my mom. I go, “Mom, are you sure you want me to leave?” And my mom goes, “Yes, Joseph. It’s time. It’s time for you to be a man now, Joseph. Now move to the garage.” And I moved to the garage like a fucking man. Twenty-eight. And then I moved back in at 29. It was cold in that garage. I go, “Mom, there’s no insulation in the garage.” And my mom let me back in. “Come back in here, Joseph.” That’s what she always does. I always had second, third chances. “Come back in here, Joseph. I was just joking. I thought you were the comedian.” And I moved back in at 29. And then I moved out again at 32. But fuck it. That’s what boys do. Shit. My sisters never got a second chance. Once they were gone, that was it. She didn’t give a shit. “Bye. Don’t even call me. You think you can do it? Oh, go. Do it. It’s cold out there, huh?” My sisters would get into epic fights with my mom. Like, some of the shit they would say… unbelievable. I remember watching those fights when I was a kid. My sister Rowena, especially. Holy shit. Every weekend. “Mom, I’m going out with my friend. Why do you always question me every time I go out with my friend?” “Yeah. Because every weekend, it’s a different guy.” “Yeah, Mom, it’s called dating. I’m dating people. I’m allowed to do that. I don’t go to school anymore. I make my own money. I want to go out and date and have fun. Is that a big deal?” “Yeah, but you go out every weekend, just gallivanting with different people all the time.” “They’re not different people! They’re my friends!” “Sure, they’re you’re friends. They’re just people out there. You’re giving your pekpek away to everybody! You don’t even know them. Who wants pekpek? You want pekpek? That’s a pekpek for you. You want it? There! It’s for free!” “Pekpek” is “pussy.” There’s some people that got it, but then there’s some, like, “Is she giving chickens away? Every weekend, she has a chicken and she gives it away? That’s expensive.” But now they made up. Now they’re friends. Best of friends. Seeing my mom and sister make up: Funniest shit ever. Just seeing my mom cry. “I just want you to know that… I didn’t think you gave your pekpek away to everybody.” “Well, I didn’t, Mom. It’s right here. It’s the same one you gave me.” Man, I get it, Mom. God bless you. That shit is hard. My son’s 13, and it just keeps getting harder and harder. It’s so hard. My son is in the seventh grade. God damn it. I want all you new parents to know this right now. When you were in the seventh grade and you weren’t smart, you’re definitely not gonna be smart when your kid gets to the seventh grade. It’s harder. My son and I are failing Math. It’s so hard. Now he’s getting a C-minus in Math. C-minus in Math. In private school, that’s not good. That’s failing Math. So, of course, she brings me in for a parent-teacher meeting. Private school. That’s what they do. They sit you down because they’re concerned. “Hi. [chuckles] Mr. Koy. Mr. Koy, please sit down. I don’t want to startle you. I want to nip this in the bud. Just want you to know, Mr. Koy, that your son has a C-minus in Math. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That’s not good. What are we gonna do to solve that, Mr. Koy? You need to help me help him. I can do whatever I can over here at school, but when he gets home, you need to crack open that book and start working on those questions with your son. Let’s bring that grade back up. Let’s do this as a team, Mr. Koy. Come on!” And I was, like, “You know I’m a comedian, right? And I hired you to teach my son math. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What are we gonna do to fix that? Sounds like you owe me money.” If you have kids, take them to public school. That’s the only… Public school, please. I’m paying college tuition for my son’s seventh-grade education. And then I get a call from the principal. “Mr. Koy, you forgot to pay your milk fee. You forgot to pay your milk fee, Mr. Koy.” I go, “I paid the tuition. I thought it was included in the tuition.” “No, Mr. Koy, that’s separate.” I got so mad. I was filling out that paperwork, and I just looked at my son. I go, “I can’t believe I’m filling out paperwork to pay for milk.” He goes, “What are you talking about, Dad?” I go, “When I filled out paperwork, it was so I can get free milk. We were poor, Joe. We couldn’t afford milk, so my mom filled out paperwork so we could get a free milk. I couldn’t wait to get to school so I could actually taste calcium. And it’s delicious when it’s free.” He didn’t know what a free milk was, so I had to explain to him what a free milk looked like. I go, “Joe, a free milk was a carton of milk that looked like a house from Monopoly. And it had three simple instructions. You pulled the right side to the right, the left side to the left, and then you pinched the middle and pulled it towards your chest, and it’s supposed to make a spout. But it never made a fucking spout. So, you turned it to the back and started over. That side had too much glue. You couldn’t even open that fucking side. So you just ripped it open in the middle. Now you’re drinking milk out of a square box. And when you were done with that milk, you put soil in it and a bean, and you grew a tree.” Yeah. Public school. I gotta get my son to be humble. How is my son gonna be humble when I’ve been driving him to school? His whole school career, he’s been chauffeured to school. He’s never been on a bus before. That shit will make you humble. Go to school on a public bus. He doesn’t even know what a public bus… I just found out my son doesn’t know what a school bus is. We were driving on the freeway, and a school bus passed us, and my son goes like this: “Where are they going?” “Fucking school, asshole. Who’s this dick?” He’s been going to school… You gotta go to school on a bus. That shit will make you humble. Go to school on a bus with a bunch of kids that hate their fucking life. That was me. I hated my life. I was the last kid on, and I was the last kid off. Hated that shit. Every time I got on, there was only one seat left, and there was always that one kid that didn’t want to share the seat. And I’d walk up to him. He’s, like, “You better not even think about sitting here.” And I’d go, “Where am I supposed to sit?” “I don’t fucking care.” And the bus driver doesn’t give a shit. “You’d better sit down back there.” “I don’t know where to sit. He’s not gonna let me sit down. She’s getting mad. She’s not gonna go unless I sit down. I won’t even sit on the whole thing. Just let me… let me sit on the edge.” I had to sit on the edge and then hold the seat across the aisle. I went to school looking like I took a shit on the bus. And then he’d still fuck with me. “Why do you smell like Vicks?” “Because I have pneumonia.” He’s got it so good. I’ve got to stop spoiling him. I spoil him too much. It sucks. But the reason I spoil him is because I didn’t have shit when I was a kid. We were broke as shit. And now that I can afford it, I’m buying everything. And yes, it’s for him, but he doesn’t know that it’s actually for us. All that cool shit he has, I want it, too. I want it so bad. This Christmas pissed me off. I go, “Joe, you want a PS4 for Christmas?” He goes, “No.” I go, “Why the fuck not? You’re selfish, bro.” I want all that shit. I want all those toys. And I’m holding back, but it’s hard. It’s so damn hard. We went to the mall. This was, like, seven months ago, eight months ago. And the kiosk with the hoverboards. Oh, shit. And my son got on it like a fucking natural. He just got on and was, like, “Oh, my God. Dad. Dad. Dad! Dad! I’ve got to have this, Dad. I’ve got to have this.” And I just looked at him, and this is what I said in my head. I go, “Yes, we do.” But I was being a good dad. I was, like, “No. I can’t buy that for you.” He goes, “Why not?” I go, “Because you have a C-minus in Math, and I can’t reward you for that. Bring the grade up to a B, and I’ll buy it for you.” My son goes like this: “Are you serious right now?” And this is what I said, I swear to God. I went like this: “I know, right? Why’d you fail the test, man?” We both left that mall just fucking crying. I wanted that hoverboard so bad. And then I told him, “Joe, I’ll buy you that hoverboard. I’m gonna get you a tutor, and she’s gonna help you with your math. You bring the grade up, it’s done.” So, I get the tutor. This is how shitty of a dad I am. Just for one week with the tutor, he has a quiz the following week. Four out of five right. Doesn’t even apply to the grade. And I just looked at him like this: “Look at you, Einstein. Looks like we need to go to the mall and get something, don’t we?” And I got that hoverboard. Oh, I fucking love that thing. I ride it every morning. [bleeping sounds] “You want cereal?” “Yes, Dad.” “I’ll be right back.” [bleeping sounds] I crashed on that hoverboard. Holy shit. I got wood floors at my house. This is what it sounded like when I crashed. Twice, because I skipped across the floor. And this is how old I am. When I finally landed, this is what I said. I went, “Uhh! Oh, fucking hip! Oh, my fucking hip! It’s broken!” And my son doesn’t give two shits about me. He came around the corner and went like this: “Dad? Where’s my hoverboard?” “Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you.” Don’t buy that hoverboard. I don’t even know why they sell it in America. I don’t know how they got past inspection. They’re dangerous. When the battery’s dead, it doesn’t even tell you. I swear to God, it just stops mid-ride. And then it catapults you across the living room at 17 miles per hour. I’m flying through the air with a bowl of cereal, like, “What the fuck?! Shit!” Thirteen. God damn it. They grow fast, you guys. He’s at that age where he doesn’t want to kiss me anymore. It makes me so sad. I hate it. “Have a good day at school.” He’s like this: “All right.” And I… I don’t know what to do now. Turning into a man. I don’t like the way God tells you that your son is turning into a man. It’s too quick. I’m not even mentally prepared for this. I found out last year that he’s turning into a man. It sucked. Last year… This is when I found out. He was in the pool, swimming, and I’m on the outside of the pool, just watching my son swim. He comes out of the pool. This is what he says to me, word-for-word, when he comes out of the pool. He went like this: “This pubic hair is tickling my butt.” And when he said “pubic hair,” he meant one pubic hair. Just one. It’s so long, it’s tickling his asshole. And I started crying. I go, “Why do you have a pubic hair? Why?” And that’s it. That’s it. The pube is here. That was last year. He’s 13 now. How many does he have now, 20? I’m not ready for that. No more toys anymore. No more of the cute toys he used to play with when he was 11, 12. Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… fuck that. He’s got a new toy. He’s got a new toy that he’s gonna love to play with a lot more. He’s probably gonna play with it in front of the old toys. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not prepared for that. My son? Now! This is when it starts! Thirteen. This is when it starts. Shit! And I’m gonna catch him. I’m gonna catch him. It’s inevitable. I’m gonna catch my son jerking off. Are you kidding me? And what do I say to him when I catch him? I don’t even know what to say to him. What do I say? “Stop doing that”? That’s fucked up. I’m still doing that! Who the fuck am I? “Only one guy jerks off in this house. And since I own it, take your little dick outside. This is my lotion.” He’s gonna get caught. Because boys are sloppy with their work. They’re sloppy with their work, and you know what I’m talking about. They just… They don’t know what to fucking do. Thirteen? [grunts] [grunts] I was the creepiest. When I was 13? Shit. Thirteen… I could eat cereal, jerk off, watch cartoons and look out for my mom at the same time. Just creepy shit. “Aah! Shit!” It’s gross. It’s gross, but it’s life. This is it. I’m gonna catch him. Fuck. He’s gonna be so creepy. Boys are creepy with their work. They don’t know. The first times that they do it, the first 20 times, nothing comes out, ladies. You do know that, right? It’s just you and your friend at a party. And then your friend starts to dry-heave for no reason. [laughing] [grunts] Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [grunting] Yeah! And that’s why we get caught. Because we think that happens every time. And it’s not. One day, something comes out, and we don’t know what to fucking do. It catches us off guard. We’re, like… [chuckling] Blam! “Aah! No, no, no, no! Oh, no! Oh, my God! No, no! No! Oh, my God! I’m ready for church!” You go to church with a come-print on your chest. I want every woman to know this right now. We don’t stop. We don’t stop, all right? I didn’t stop. Been doing it since I was a kid. I got caught by my mom. My mom caught me. Worst day of my life. Worst day of my… And I don’t like how quiet it is in this room right now. I really don’t. I don’t like how every guy is looking at me like: “This is kind of disgusting. I don’t know what he’s talking about. How could he get caught by his mother?” I want every guy in this room to know this tonight. You got caught by your mom, too. She caught your dumb ass. She saw it. That’s a grown woman. She knows what her teenage son is doing. She just never said anything to your dumb ass. But she found it. Whatever it was you were abusing, she found it. She just didn’t tell you about it. She was cleaning your room. And she was, like, “Oh, let me get that plate. Oh, that’s not a plate. That’s a towel.” She just… She didn’t say anything to you. My mom said something to me, because that’s the kind of fucking mom I got. But I thought I was bulletproof. Sock. Genius. Sock. Sock, hamper. Sock, hamper. All week. Sock, hamper. Sock, hamper. Two-a-day Friday. Sock, sock, hamper, hamper. Then Sunday came around. My mom walked into my room. “Stop fucking your socks. Are you kidding me right now? You want me to clean it? Fuck you, Joseph. That’s disgusting. I’ve been throwing all your socks away. You have two pair of socks left for the rest of the year. You fuck those… no more socks, Joseph. You’re gonna go to school barefoot like that, huh? The principal will call me. ‘Joseph doesn’t have any socks.’ ‘Yeah, because he keeps fucking them!'” We all do it. We all do it. Every guy in here still does it. It’s creepy. We’ll move on from this, but I just want to keep going. We’ve got plenty of time to kill. Every guy does it, though. We haven’t stopped. We become better at it. We don’t stop because we’re creeps, ladies. We’re just creepy people. I don’t care how long you’ve been with your man… five years, ten years, five days… it doesn’t matter. That’s his shit. I want every woman to know this: The creepiest man in this room tonight is the guy you came with. I swear to God. There’s no one creepier in this room. Don’t look across the aisle or up in the balcony. He’s sitting right fucking next to you. That guy is a creepy, creepy fuck. Don’t give it to him for a couple days. Watch him just, “Uhh!” I don’t care how good-looking your man is. When we jerk off, we all look the same. Creepy. By ourselves. One shoe on. Always one shoe on. Look at the toe! Look at the fucking toe! Shirt tucked under the chin. Shirt tucked under the chin. Did you know that, ladies? Did you know your man tucks the shirt under his chin? You want to know why? Because he doesn’t want the bottom of the shirt to touch his dick, because he’s still gonna wear that shirt for the rest of the day. Creepy fucker’s gonna wear his jerk-off shirt to the comedy show tonight. Don’t shake anyone’s hand in here tonight. I swear to God, the diversity in this room is amazing. I will tell you this right now. I’m just gonna be honest with you guys. I’m gonna put it all out there. No one is more indirectly racist than Filipino moms. My sister’s about to marry her fiance. He’s dark. He’s dark. Darker than you. My sister got the darkest one. There’s black, and then there’s nighttime. Andre is nighttime. Andre used to kill it in hide-and-seek when he was a kid. Didn’t even have to hide. Just closed his eyes like that. “Where are you, Andre?” “Right here, motherfuckers. I win again.” You should’ve seen how my mom acted when she met Andre for the first time. When he walked into the house, my mom went like this. [shudders] “Put my purse in the room. Put my purse in the room.” I got so mad at my mom. I took her to the kitchen. I was, like, “Mom, are you kidding me? Just because he’s black, you want me to put your purse in the room? Are you kidding me right now?” And then she got mad at me and made me feel like the racist. Some Filipino Jedi shit. She just looked at me and goes, “Oh, just because he’s black, Joseph, and I told you to put my purse in the room, you think your mother is a racist? Wow, Joseph. Wow. Wow. I would do that with any stranger, Joseph. White, black, Latino, Asian. I don’t care. If I don’t know you, put my purse in the room. That’s a Louis Vuitton.” I go, “Mom, you know what you did. Stop right now. You’re making Andre feel very uncomfortable.” And my mom looked at me and goes, “I’m not making him feel uncomfortable. You are. Bringing me into the kitchen to talk to me. Are you kidding me right now? I’m doing everything to make Andre feel comfortable. I’m frying chicken, I put basketball on the TV.” “Out of everything you could’ve cooked tonight, you decided to fry chicken.” “Joseph, they love chicken.” They love… “They love chicken, Joseph.” Right when I said that, Andre walked into the kitchen. He’s, like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t know y’all was in the kitchen. Quick question: Are y’all frying chicken?” And my mom goes, “Yes, Andre. We’re… We’re frying chicken. But if you don’t like chicken, I can… I can cook something else, if… if you don’t like chicken.” And Andre was, like, “Oh, no, no. I love chicken. I eat it every day.” And then he walked out of the kitchen. And then my mom looked at me and went like this: [whispers] “I told you.” That’s a very racist… Right? That’s racist. Right, black guy? That’s a racist… You want to hear the most racist part about that story? Andre doesn’t talk like that. I gave Andre an ’80s black rapper voice because it’s funnier. If you ever meet Andre, he talks like this: “Hello. My name is Andre.” I made him talk… “I love chicken!” Who the fuck talks like that? I’ve never even met a black guy that talks about chicken like, [rapping] “I love chicken, I eat it every day. I eat that chicken in every kind of way.” [grunts] She’s getting married. My sister’s getting married. Shit. That’s good, right? How long have you guys been together? [woman] Eighteen years. Eighteen years? Goddamn. Eighteen strong years. You got kids? Two kids? How old are the kids. Eighteen and what? Did you watch the baby come out? Did you watch the baby come out? You better, man. You’ve got to watch that shit. That’s why a lot of you guys out there… If you don’t pay your child support, I want you to start thinking about what happened that day. And remember, that shit costs a lot of money. I give my ex whatever the fuck she wants. I saw that baby come out. Fuck that shit. And a lot of you women need to be more graphic with these guys that ain’t paying their child support. Let them hear. Stop being nice about it. “Your daughter wants to take ballet classes. She needs shoes and some lessons. Your son wants to play sports. He needs cleats and some gear.” Fuck that. Be graphic. “Why do I want extra money? Because those kids ripped my pussy apart. Ripped. Ripped. Ripped it. Ripped.” It doesn’t stay like that. I don’t want you to think it’s ripped and stays like that. That’s the cool thing about the vagina. It comes back together. It’s fucking… It’s like a Transformer. It’s like Pussimus Prime. It’s like, “Babybots.” [grinding] “What the fuck?!” I saw that baby come out. Fuck that shit. The vagina is beautiful, just not that day. That day, it’s its evil twin. It’s not even vagina. It’s called “va-gina.” “I am Va-gina. I’m delivering a baby. Push, baby. Oh, come out of Va-gina. Push! Oh, here comes the baby! Oh, here comes the baby! Oh, baby!” My son’s head was hanging out like this. And then she coughed, and he went back in. I was, like, “Oh, shit! Her pussy just ate the baby!” I just remember my son going, “Dad!” Dating. Dating, right? It’s rough, right? Shit. Here’s the thing about dating. All you need is just to be secure. Just be secure and your girl is gonna fucking love you. Stop being insecure. The minute you’re insecure and start questioning her, it fucking turns her off. Don’t question her every time she goes out with her girlfriends. “Where are you going?” “I’m going out with my girlfriends. I told you that already.” “Okay, what time are you gonna be home?” “I don’t know. Maybe later. I don’t know. What the fuck? Seriously? Do I do this shit with you on your fucking guys’ night out?” “I’m just saying. I just want to know…” [mumbling] They hate that shit. Just be secure and let her fucking go. That turns a girl on. Ignore her. She loves that shit. It pisses her off, and she loves it at the same time. When you don’t call her the whole time. It even confuses her when she leaves. “I’m going out with my girls.” “All right, see you.” “But are you gonna ask where…” “No. Just go with your girls.” “All right. That’s crazy.” Don’t call her the whole night. Just ignore her. She’ll be at the club, freaking out. Just fucking dancing, looking at her phone. “What the fuck?” That shit turns her on. Because guys get mad at girls when they go out with their girlfriends. Stop being insecure. Fuck it. If she goes out with her friends, she goes out with her friends. And the guys always get mad. “Yeah, but every time she goes out, guys buy her drinks, and then she fucking takes them.” No shit! They’re free, asshole. Wouldn’t you take a goddamn drink for free? If a girl walked up to you… “Hey, I’d like to buy you a drink,” you’d be, like, “What the fuck? Can you buy my friends some?” And if a guy is buying your chick at the club a drink, that means she’s one of the hottest chicks in the fucking club. So you should proud of that shit. And don’t get mad at her for getting free drinks. That’s her hustle. She’s hot, and she’s getting free drinks from a dude at a club. You don’t have to worry about it because she has your back. Every girl that has a man and she’s at a club has her dude’s back. Swear to God. And you know what I’m talking about. She’ll keep getting those drinks for free. She’ll get them, as many as she can. “I’m gonna drink free all night.” And then, when that question comes: “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Yeah, he’s at home. His name’s John. He’s black. Bye! Bye. Bye! Thank you!” Because that’s what women do. They get your back, and you know what I’m talking about. Every guy’s bought drinks for a girl that had a guy, and you know it. They drop it on you at the last second because that’s what women do. So, don’t get mad at your girl when she goes out with these guys. Let them go. Let them have as many drinks as they want. Let them fucking get tore the fuck up. As many drinks. Let her get them. As many drinks. “Thank you. Thank you.” All fucking night. She’s gonna get fucked up. And then she’s gonna come home drunk, and then she’s gonna want to suck your dick… on his tab! “What the fuck? This blowjob is free?!” Stop being insecure. Let them go. In fact, when your girl goes out, you go out. Don’t stay at home. Go get fucked up, too. That’s the best sex you’ll ever have. You both ignore each other all night, you both get fucked up with your own friends, and then you both come home drunk as shit. That’s the funniest shit. And the guy’s always the first one home. “Babe! Babe!” Nobody’s home. Then, all of a sudden, she walks through the door, drunk as shit. [chuckles] “Hi, baby.” She’s limping because she has one heel on. “Hi, baby.” “Hi, babe. Hi, babe.” “Hi, baby. Why didn’t you text me all night?” “I didn’t know where my phone was.” It’s a fucking square right here. That turns her on. “Your phone is right there, you stupid. Your phone’s right there, stupid. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” They’re drunk and horny. “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. I swear to God. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” And then he’s, like, “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” Then you guys walk towards each other, about to fuck each other, but it’s not even cute. It just looks like two zombies about to fuck each other. “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” The woman always gets to the bedroom first, completely naked. Completely naked. “Come on, baby. Come on. Oh, I’m gonna fuck the shit…” This foot completely dirty. This one clean, completely clean. This one… gravel in the heel. “Come on, baby. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. Come on.” The man’s walking down the hallway, fully clothed. Drunk. Taking his time. He’s kind of mad, too, because not only is he drunk, but his dick is more drunk. And he doesn’t know what to do, because it’s about to happen, but he can’t. And drunk guys will talk to their dicks. They don’t give a shit. Like, “Come on, wake up. Come on. Why are you doing this to me? Let’s go. Why are you doing…” And their dick is, like, “I’m drunk, too, asshole. What the fuck do you want me to do?” We’ll start grabbing blood from anywhere. “Don’t do this to me. You need to give me something. Don’t do this to me.” But our dick’s our best friend. He doesn’t leave us hanging. He gives us something. It’s not much, but it’s something. It’s like half-and-half. Soft on top, hard in the middle. And it’s barely holding up. It’s just balancing on the balls like this. “Try this. This might work. This might work.” And we’re, like, “Are you sure you’re gonna work?” “Hurry up before I change my fucking mind.” And we go to put him in. He’s, like, “Man, I can’t fucking do this.” I love you guys. Thank you so much. Finally here You know I’m finally here Finally here You know I’m finally here I hear these people talking about Where I been I been on tour trying to work it out They talking, like “Man, you finally made it, dawg” Shit, I’m working on copping My second house I remember back when No one wanted to listen Kind of funny who done came and gone But I’m still here And I ain’t going nowhere Nah, it’s my time, homey This where I belong Truth is, I’m a savage Flow cold and politely But like a fat chick Fighting with a skinny trick Don’t take a brother lightly I know my enemies despise me… You know I’m finally here There’s no one to fear

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Adam DeVine: Best Time of Our Lives (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/adam-devine-best-time-of-our-lives-transcript/

[rock music playing] [indistinct chatter] Hey, man. How are you? [crowd cheering] Thank you. Let’s do this. [man] Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Devine! [loud cheering] Hey, how’s everybody doing? Thank you, thank you! Thank you! All right. Yeah! Thank you guys so much. Take a seat. Thank you, thank you. Oh, my, you guys got me jacked. [crowd whooping] I’m fully juiced for this thing. Man, I am, I’m so excited to be here. Thank you guys for having me. I’m gonna have a blast tonight. We all are. [crowd cheers] I’m so excited to be… I can’t get that excited, though, ’cause I’m an adult man now. [laughter] You know, you can’t get that excited. They will lock you up. [laughter] You can’t get little-kid-level, like, geeked, you know? [laughter] Remember when you were a kid and you would, like, open up a present, and you didn’t have the vocabulary to say, like, “Thank you so much, Mama.” [laughter] Or however you guys talked, I don’t know. I was kind of a weirdo. I said things like, “Yeah, Mama. Thank you so much, Mama.” You didn’t have the vocabulary to say that, so you just went like… [laughter] You cannot make that face as an adult. They will lock your ass up. [chuckles] You can’t do, like, adult-ass things like take your kid to school, drop them off, and be like, “Enjoy your lunch today. [laughter] [whispers] I made it myself! Ham and cheese!” They will have some questions about the quality of those meats, you know? I made that, like, little-kid-level excited face for, like, two months, as a child, I swear to you. My mom, uh, gave me a super bouncy ball for my birthday. You guys didn’t have poor parents? That’s cool. Uh… -[Adam chuckles] -[laughter] She gave me this bouncy ball, right? And for like two months straight, I was just in my driveway like… Snatched it in midair. [chuckles] That’s a phrase you only use in your youth. “Midair.” Nothing is midair as an adult. Everything as a child is like, “I caught it midair, Mom. It was soaring through the abyss, and I snatched midair. Midair, Mom, midair, midair, midair.” My mom’s like, “Jesus Christ.” [laughter] “Of course you caught it midair, honey. Because anything you catch in the air… [laughter] …would technically be midair. ‘Cause if you caught it on the ground, that’d be called picking it the fuck up, you idiot, you dumb little boy.” -[laughter] – But kids– What’s cool is that kids are still getting that level of geeked, you know, they’re still getting fully geeked, right? Like, I was in this elevator not too long ago, no big deal, and, uh… [chuckles] Fuck stairs! Who’s with me? -Stupid. Stupid. -[laughter] So I’m in this elevator, and I was having a crappy day, ’cause I’m an adult, right? So I’m wearing these boots, and they’re the shitty, asshole, adult fabric of suede. And it was raining outside. So I’m in this elevator, just defeated. I’m just like, “Oh, no, not my boots! Oh, my boots!” You know? I wasn’t verbalizing that, I’m not an idiot. [laughter] I’m not in an elevator alone going, “Boots!” [laughter] “No! Not my boots!” But I was thinking it, right? And… And so these kids come in, and they’re, like, 13, 14– That’s a weird age, right? Can we all agree that that is the worst age in the human existence? Because we’re like mutants at that age. You go from being, like, “Look at this cute little kid,” to having an 18-month period where you’re just a human Transformer, where you’re like… -[squeals] -[laughter] Ping, ping, ping! It’s confusing, right? It’s weird for girls, obviously. Obviously, you know? But it’s also weird for dudes. Remember how weird, like, eighth grade was? That was a confusing time, right? Remember as a guy, your voice would change suddenly just overnight, like, one day you’re like… [in high voice] “Wanna go play some kickball?” [in regular voice] And then the very next day, you’re like, “Fuck kickball, motherfucker!” [laughter] “I’m trying to get laid. Pass the Hennessy. [laughter] “Daddy’s trying to…” You guys… You guys remember middle school, right? Another… Another weird thing about being a 13, 14-year-old, for– as a guy, is like, a lot of people don’t realize this, but if you have a 13 or 14-year-old in your life, there is a 100% chance that their dick is hard 100% of the time. Constantly. And it’s not always sexual, you know? Sometimes, yeah, it is, you know. [chuckles] But not always. I remember one time, like, a gust of wind hit me just right. [laughter] Just a sexy, sexy gust, just… [laughter] Just someone slammed a car door. It was the month of August. I remember the heat coming off that car door. Just the… [imitates wind blowing] Just hit the nape of my neck just right. Just… [imitates wind] -And I was like… [screams] -[laughter] That was confusing, you know? I don’t know about you pervs, but I didn’t have sex at 13 or 14. Or 15 or 16 or 17 or most of 18, you know? [laughter] I’m a late bloomer. So suddenly, I just got an erection from the wind. That’s a confusing moment in a young man’s life. I was like… [laughter] “Do I want to fuck the wind?” [laughter] “Am I wind-sexual? What does this mean?” You know? “Wind-sexual,” so stupid. [chuckles] That could be, like… Everything’s so weird nowadays that that could be a real thing. Like if you saw on CNN, you’re like, “Wind-sexualism is sweeping the nation,” you’d be like, “Yeah, makes sense.” [chuckles] How weird– It’d be so weird and confusing to be like the dad of a 16-year-old boy right now, ’cause your son could legitimately come out to you and be like, “Dad, can I speak with you?” And you’re like, “You’re gay. And I’m perfectly okay with that. That’s fine for me.” And he goes, “No. Mm.” [laughter] “No, that’s weird that you put that on me. No, I’m not gay. But I am fully wind-sexual.” [laughter] And you would have to go, like, -“Yep.” -[laughter] “All right, let’s get the posterboard and markers out. We gotta march about this shit.” [laughter] “Between your sister wanting to piss standing up and you wanting to fuck the wind, we gotta march every goddamn weekend!” [laughter] “I remember when I took you to soccer practice. It’s okay.” There’s a ton of kids just on a bluff just trying to fuck the wind. [laughter, cheers] Trying to catch a good gust. [chuckles] “It’s El Niño season. We gotta get out there!” Stupid. What was I talking about? Weed, man, it’s legal in California. -[cheering] -Oh, you guys like weed? That’s cool. Yeah, these girls, they’re getting in the elevator, right? They’re coming in the elevator. They’re 13, 14. That’s a weird age for girls, ’cause girls grow so quick, right? That’s why you always see a pack of girls, they’ll be a bunch of little girls and then like one girl that’s, like, three and a half feet taller than them. She’s just… [squealing] You know? They always look like they’re, like– grew that far just that afternoon. Like, they grew three and a half feet, just like, “What’s happening?” [squealing] You know? That’s what was happening. She was gigantic, one girl that was coming in the elevator, she was, like, my size, like, 6’2″, 6’3″, you know? [laughter] [laughter continues] [chuckles] You can’t tell how big I am. I’m on stage, you know? So she comes in the elevator just all gigantic, and her friend comes in, and she has a mouth full of braces, you know, and she still looks like a little girl. You can tell she’s pissed her friend’s more developed, so she’s like, “Get in the fucking elevator, Becky.” [laughter] “Ooh, with your ‘new boobs.’ Complain about your back one more time, bitch.” Meanwhile, Becky’s like, “Everything hurts!” [screams] You know? And I’m in the elevator going, “Not my boots!” You know? But they were having the best time. The one little girl’s telling a story. She was like, “Oh, my God!” [laughter] “Oh, my God!” And her friend’s losing her mind, her friend’s like… [laughter] And I’m like, “Oh, shit. The youths are about to teach me something. This is gonna turn my whole shitty, adult-ass day right around.” And she goes, “We were running… We were running…” And I’m like, “Yeah? And then what happened?” And she goes, “We were running.” I’m like, “You said that, bitch, what’s up?” [laughter] And she goes, “And there was that puddle…” That was it, that was the end of her story. [laughter] Her friend lost her fucking mind. Her friend was like… [screaming] And I’m like, “Oh, shit, that right there is the difference between being an adult and being a child. Because as an adult, that story fucking sucked.” [laughter] That was a dog shit story. But as a child, that might have been elite-level storytelling for that crew. ‘Cause she wasrunning. There was that puddle. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha. [laughter] Quite the epic adventure. I was also running. There was also that puddle. It ruined my fucking boots. [laughter] And it got me thinking, like, “Man. It’s so hard to have that level of a good time.” Like you guys tomorrow are going to go to work, and your friends are like, “How was the show?” You’re not gonna go like… [laughter] No one at home is gonna be like, “Yeah, you know what…” Your spouse or whoever comes in the room, and it’s like, “How was his stand-up special?” And you’re like… [laughter] It just won’t happen. Like, we’re adults, we’ve seen some shit. Some weird stuff’ll have to go down in order for us to lose our minds like that. Right? A ton of hot chicks would have to come running in with pistols drawn, like, “Freeze!” And we’re all like… [gasps] And they go, “Just kidding. We’re going to suck your dicks.” [laughter] And we’re all like… [laughter and applause] Stupid. Seeing some women’s faces over here, like, “That’s not the best time of my life. [laughter] That actually sounds like a fucking nightmare.” [laughter] Admittedly, that is a more dude-centric best time… of your life. That’d be pretty depressing, if you’re female, that’s where you peak. [laughter] That’s your best time of your life? You’re, like, on your deathbed talking to your kid. Your kid’s like, “Mom, like, when was the best time of your life?” You have a shitty kid. “Mom…” [laughter] “You’re dying, I guess? I dunno. Like, when was the best time of your life?” And you’re all old and shit, so you’re like, “Well…” [laughter] [chuckles] Why is that, you hit, like, 85 years old, no muscle control your mouth anymore, you’re like… “Sorry about this.” [laughter] [cheering] “I got… I got it. Well, I was at a comedy show. The little one from Workaholics and Pitch Perfect was onstage.” [loud cheering] “And other movies and TV shows, but I don’t want to go down the list. Halfway through the little guy’s set, a ton of hot chicks came running in, with pistols drawn, and started blowing your dad!” [laughter] “Best time of my life!” [laughter] Your kid’ll be like, “I’m pulling the plug. That’s just depressing. We didn’t march for that shit, Mom.” Stupid. The best would be watching every dude in here who’s on a date act like they’re not having the best time of their life. Be like, “Ah! What, babe? She’s got a gun!” [laughter] “We must listen to the assailants. Ah, no! Not the whole thing! What?” [laughter] “This is torture. No, no! Anything but the balls! Aah! No, don’t put a finger in…” [laughter] Stupid. [Adam laughs] That would be the conversation on the car ride home, too. It wouldn’t be like, “Oh, my God. We were just held up at gunpoint. That was insane. I saw my life flash before my eyes.” It wouldn’t be that at all. It’d be like, “Don’t put a finger in your ass?” [laughter] “What the fuck, Chad?” [laughter] Chad would be like, “What, babe, I saved your life.” [laughter] “I’m a hero, babe. I’d do it again. I don’t care. I would do it again.” He’s walking like that ’cause of the finger, you know. [laughter] That’s how stupid guys are, too, like, if it was Victoria Secret models that ran in here with guns, every dude in here would be like, “Let’s hear ’em out.” [laughter] [chuckles] “Possible blowjob situation might unfold.” Not me. I’m running. I’m a bitch. I know that about myself. I was recently in a bar fight. -I was in a bar, and… -[laughter] I’m not gonna lie to you guys. We have a rapport. I was in a bar, and a fight broke out. Man… I ran away so quickly. Like, aerodynamically fast. Like, head down, arms back, like… [screams] “Gotta get away!” [laughter] It sucks, ’cause I get recognized, you know? I can’t run away like a bitch anymore, like the good old days. I don’t want to be a meme the next day that just says, “Adam Devine, bitch made.” [laughter] You can’t run away from fights like you used to. Used to be able to get out of there. Now everyone has a phone connected to the internet on it. Right? Next time you’re at a bar and a fight breaks out, watch, there’s gonna be five dudes who are gonna act like they’re gonna join the fight and absolutely won’t. Like, a fight breaks out, and they’re like, “Oh, shit.” [laughter] Throwing kicks and punches from 35 feet away. [laughter] “I don’t know how none of those landed.” How come people that are about to start a fight suddenly lose their sense of hearing? You noticed this phenomenon? “What’d you say?” [laughter] “What the fuck d’you say? What’d you say? I can’t hear you. What’d you say?” That’d be a good way to get out of a fight, act like you’re deaf. Nobody’s gonna hit the deaf guy. You’re a fucking monster. He didn’t hear you. [laughter] You’re a piece of shit, you hit the deaf guy. You’re like, “Fuck this guy!” And he’s like, “I couldn’t hear you! I got a hearing aid, so I couldn’t hear you!” And you’re like, “Oh, shit.” [laughter] “Chad, Derek, let’s roll.” [laughter] “He couldn’t hear our qualms.” If you beat up a deaf guy, you definitely have two friends in your crew named Chad and Derek. ‘Cause those are the two worst white guy names. I hope there’s a Chad and Derek in here right now going, “What the fuck, bro?” [laughter] “Derek, you listening to this shit?” Derek’s like, “What’d you say?” And I’m like… [yelps] [laughter] [chuckles] How come when someone’s really loud, that’s not scary or intimidating, right? [whispers] It’s when they get quiet. That’s when it gets weird, right? You’re at a party, somebody bumps right into you, you spill a drink on yourself, you’re like, “Hey, man, fuck you.” And that guy goes, “No! Fuck you!” You’re not scared. You’re like, “Oh, he’s obviously a crankhead. I just won’t move.” [laughter] Crankheads are like T. rexes in that respect. He’ll be like, “Fuck you!” And you’re like… And he’s like, “…you…” [laughter] [Adam squeals] “Must find more crank!” You know? That’s the best T. rex impression you’re gonna hear tonight. [crowd cheering] It’s when they quiet, right? That’s when shit gets weird. Like, somebody bumps you, you’re like, “Hey, fuck you.” And that guy just goes… [shuddering] [wavering moan] [moaning continues] [whispers] “No.” [laughter] [whispers] “Fuck you.” You’re gonna be like, “Holy shit, grab your things. This guy’s gonna shank us. What is wrong with this man?” Stupid. Let’s get political, guys. Global warming, where do we stand? [laughter] Yeah. Fuck the coasts, right? Time for Omaha, Nebraska to get some beachfront property. Who’s with me? [cheering] I like how you guys all just applauded about mass death to half the… [chuckles] “Fuck it, let ’em drown.” Cool, guys. I can’t wait to go vacation somewhere tropical, like the Arctic. Just recline on my beach chair and slightly move my Corona to block the view of a polar bear drowning. [laughter] [screeching] [laughter] [whispers] Relax. [giggles] Stupid. Man, it’s so good to be here, guys. Thanks for coming out. [cheering] I put a lot of thought into this special, of what I’m gonna wear. I went with, uh, what I wear every day, so… Part of me wanted to wear a cape… just at the punchline so I could do shit like… [crowd whoops] I wanted to wear a cape so that, like, uh, when you guys are, like– you’re here and you’re like, “Man, he’s wearing a cape, that’s funny, he’s definitely gonna talk about the cape.” And then 20 minutes in, you’re like, “I guess he’s closing on the cape stuff?” [laughter] Then at the end of the show when you’re driving home, you’re like, “Fuck that guy, I hate him. He’s stupid. That was a fashion choice. I hate that man.” I actually did use to wear a cape, which is a little embarrassing, but whatever. There’s 2,500 of us, let’s get intimate. I used to wear a cape. I was, like, deep into magic as a kid, you know? [cheering] Yeah. [stammers] You know, I was 26 and deep into magic. [laughter] I was like seven years old and I was deep into magic. I didn’t know any, like, tricks or spells or whatever. I called them “ta-dahs?” ’cause I was an idiot. I didn’t know any ta-dahs. One of my big ta-dah would just be me putting earthworms on the sidewalk and being like, “How did they get there?” [laughter] “Ta-dah!” My friends are like, “You’re covered in mud. Obviously you dug them up. You’re horrible at this. Just wash your hands.” My other big ta-dah would be I’d leap out of the hallway closet and scare the shit out of my dad, while wearing a cape. But I did it every day. So he, like, knew it was coming. I’d be me at the top of the stairs going, “Papa…” I was a weird kid, remember? “Papa, I’ve fallen at the base of the stairs again. Right next to the hallway closet. Ah, help me.” And he’s like, “Jesus Christ.” [laughter] “She shouldn’t have drank when she had him.” [laughter] “We didn’t know, it was the ’80s, you know?” I’m hiding in the closet, he’d come around, he’s like, “Where are you?” It’d just be me leaping out of the closet, like, poof, “Ta-dah!” [panting] You know. ‘Cause I was a fat kid. [laughter] That was a lot of exertion for me. “Ta-dah!” [panting] That was right around the time that my dad told me that magic was for the gays. [laughter] Yeah, kind of a bigoted thing to say, right, guys? Oh, really? You guys don’t have bigoted dads here? [laughter] -Hmm! -[applause] Not buying it. [chuckles] My dad heard me say that, he was like, “I’m not a bigot.” I’m like, “Hm. Little bit, little bit you are.” [laughter] “Just a little bit.” He was like, “How could I be a bigot? I got a black friend at work.” [laughter] “Black Craig.” And I go… “Well, that is a bigoted thing to say. I’m sure Craig doesn’t like to be called ‘Black Craig.'” [laughter] “Doesn’t call you ‘White Dennis,’ you know? Just calls you the fucking asshole from work.” So I remember one time, like, as an adult, I look back at my youth, and I remember my dad being bigoted, but as a kid, I was like… I didn’t notice it, you know? And so we’re in this grocery store, and we see this dude who, as an adult I pegged as a pretty flamboyant gay man, right? But as a child, I’m like, “This guy looks like he knows how to dance.” [laughter] And my dad sees this same man, and he’s like… [groans in disgust] Like, butt cheeks just clenched. Like… [groans] And I’m like, “Whatever do you mean, Papa?” [laughter] And he goes, “Jesus.” First of all, my dad is the type of dude that thinks every gay man is, like, out to fuck him. You know? [laughter] And you guys don’t know what my dad looks like, but, uh… They’re not, you know? [laughter] Unless there into some very specific kinky shit. They’re like, “The rougher the hands, the better,” you know? Which I don’t think is the case. So my dad sees this man, he’s like, “Eee! Jesus Christ!” And he goes, “Look at this fairy over there.” Yeah. And I’m a seven-year-old boy. Who loves magic. [laughter] I hear the word “fairy” and lose my fucking mind. I’m like… [in high voice] “There’s a fairy over there?” [laughter] “Where? Sprinkle your pixie dust upon me, fairy. I want to fly.” [laughter] And my dad’s like, “Don’t let him sprinkle the pixie dust! Whatever you do, don’t let him sprinkle the pixie dust.” ‘Cause he thinks it’s… [laughter] …jizz, you know? [laughter] Stupid. [laughs] This is definitely a big enough crowd that there’s one person in here that read the poster wrong and thought Adam Levine from Maroon 5 was performing… [laughter] …stand-up comedy for the first time. I know that’s gonna happen on Netflix. Someone’s gonna be sitting at home going, “What the fuck is this?” [laughter] “He looks horrible.” [laughter] “Did he gain 40 pounds and lose 11 inches? He is atrocious looking.” But I’m assuming some of you guys know who I am from TV and movies and stuff. [crowd cheering] Thank you, man. It’s cool, man. I get recognized a lot, which is pretty fun for the most part. I get, like, free beer. That’s why my face is so squishy now. [laughter] That’s one of the main things. If I go to, like, a Sbarro’s Italian Eatery… It’s one of my favorite Italian eateries. There’s always a 16-year-old kid working behind the counter, going like, “Get the fuck out of here!” [laughter] “You can have whatever you want, bro. I will go to prison for this shit!” I’m like, “You don’t need to go to prison. I can… Actually, yeah, you might need to serve some time. Give it to me.” Meanwhile, if I go into a Jamba Juice, they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here. You broke up with Haley on Modern Family. You’re dead to us.” [laughter] “Bye-bye, bitch, no immunity boost for you.” But it’s weird getting recognized, ’cause no one’s ever cool when they recognize a celebrity. Everyone’s always like… [shrieks] “You’re the guy, the guy from the thing!” You know? And I’m– I’m no better. I ran into Will Smith at this party, and I don’t go to those parties very often, but, uh, I was at this party, and I’m looking for cocktail shrimp. And I’m like, “On the hunt for the cocktail shrimp. Mmm. Gotta get me some cocktail shrimp.” And just suddenly, it was just… Just ran into the top part of Will Smith’s dick. [laughter] And, man, I was not cool at all. In fact, I was the opposite of cool. I was kind of racist ’cause I went, “Morpheus!” [laughter] That’s not who he is at all. That is Laurence Fishburne, a completely different actor, but that’s how, like, geeked I was, you know? He was like, “Yeah, man, okay.” This is an impression of anyone when they recognize me. No one’s ever that cool. Yeah, t hat’s about my size. And… This is… Everybody’s always like, “Shit, is that that fucking guy? Is that that fucking guy right there? No, no, I’ll be cool, I’ll check it out.” [laughter] [sniffs loudly] [laughter] “It’s not him, he’s too fat.” [laughter and applause] “That is not him. That is not that man.” [crowd cheering] It’s weird getting recognized, man, it is. The first time it happened, it was like the scariest moment of my life, ’cause I didn’t expect it,  you know? Like, uh, first of all, I didn’t get recognized right away like Blake from Workaholics. It was episode two or three, Blake got recognized ’cause he’s got that amazing head of hair, you know? Yeah, yeah, Ders got recognized ’cause he’s got those bodacious man titties. They’re nice. They are nice. My little troll ass, not one. I’m driving past local high schools, making eye contact with kids like… [laughter] “This ring any bells?” Nothing. Nothing. So when it finally happened, I was just like, “Yeah!” I was next-level geeked. and I was… It happened… I was at a stop light, you know? Which I stop at most times. Sometimes I don’t. I’m like, “Fuck it, kill ’em all.” But this time I stopped. And this dude comes walking past, and he’s like… He wasn’t walking like this, but he was cooler for the story. And he sees me and he just goes… Just dead inside. Just nothing happening behind the eyes, just like… [laughter] Like, I thought he was sent from the future to murder me. Like, Workaholics had ruined the youth of America, and this is the time traveler they’ve sent to end me. But he wasn’t a time traveler. He was a regular person, and he goes, “Adam!” [laughter] “Adam!” And I didn’t know what to do, you know, because… that’s my name, and so I was excited, and I didn’t know what to do, and I just did what came naturally to me, and evidently what comes naturally to me is the douchiest shit in the world because I went… [laughter] And then… Double backwards peace sign? That is elite-level douche maneuver. But then I literally said, “I’m getting recognized!” And then started driving a motorcycle. I’m sitting in my car and I went… [laughter] This man looked right at me and goes, “You got a tight butthole, man.” [laughter] “Your butthole is the tightest.” And he walked away, and I drove away feeling good. Just ego boosted. Until I realized he didn’t use it in the proper context. First of all, I’m seeing some Pitch Perfect fans in here -that are looking at me like, “Why is…” -[crowd cheering] Yeah. “Why is he screaming about buttholes?” Well, let me explain. On my show Workaholics, which we did for seven seasons on Comedy Central… [cheering] Thank you. Uh-oh. Went fishing for a compliment, caught one. And so on my show, when something is good or cool, it is… -[crowd] Tight butthole. -Tight butthole. And when it’s not cool or good it is… -[crowd] Loose butthole. -…loose butthole. I feel like a deranged 4th grade teacher. [laughter] Very good, class. Four gold buttholes. [laughter] Chad, Derek, you got that one right. “I know my buttholes.” Really boils down to I’m a nine-year-old who wrote his own TV show. I’m like, “Buttholes are funny.” [laughter] “Here’s the script.” “This is just sevens and question marks. We cannot use this.” “We’ll improv it. Buttholes.” You know. But this guy didn’t say it in the proper context, right? He didn’t say, “You’re being tight butthole,” or “You are tight butthole.” He screamed… in a busy intersection… “You got a tight butthole, man!” [laughter] “Your butthole is the tightest!” And I didn’t do anything to negate the fact that this man… knows the actual size… of my asshole. In fact, I went… [laughter] “I’m getting recognized.” I wish I could meet someone who was in that crosswalk that day who had just moved to Los Angeles, called their parents that night and was like, “Holy shit.” [laughter] “LA really is the most progressive city in America. The gays are just out here screaming about butthole sizes.” [laughter] Stupid. Pitch Perfect was a weird one for me, too, man, I swear to you, because as we’ve established, I’m a wee bit of a stoner. So… Yeah, weed, cool, all right. -Yeah, weed? All right. -[cheering] So I didn’t fully read the body of the email, I just read the subject line. It said “Pitch Perfect.” I’m like, “Cool, baseball movie. Put me in, coach.” [laughter] I showed up to this audition like a true asshole. I was in baseball pants doing stretches in the parking lot, practicing ground balls, just… I walk in the audition– I swear to you, I walk in the audition. There’s all these, like, cool-ass dudes. Hollywood is, like, a weird place, ’cause everyone’s, like, the better-looking version of you. They’re looking for a type, and you walk in and there’s a bunch of Taylor Lautner-looking motherfuckers. How come cool guys look like they had some shit thrown in their eyes? You know, they were totally normal when they walked in for the audition. They’re like, “Hey, what’s up? I’m here for the audition.” Poof! [laughter] “What’s up? I’m here for the audition or whatever.” That’s what was happening. There’s all these hot-ass dudes, and they’re singing. They’re all going… [humming] I’m like, “Good luck singing in the baseball movie, pussy.” [laughter] “I’ll be over here stretching.” [laughter] So I go in the audition room, and I did the audition, and it went really well, and they’re like, “What song did you prepare?” And at that point in my career, all I knew about Hollywood is that “No” holds a lot of power. If you say no, you hold all the power. So, “What song did you prepare?” And I’m like, “I didn’t prepare a song. Take it or leave it.” [laughter] And they go, “Leave it. Get the fuck out of here. Go away.” And I go, “I prepared a song.” [laughter] “That’s one of the many pranks I’ll be playing on the set of Pitch Perfect, the singing movie.” [laughter] They’re like, “So what song do you know that’s just on the radio so we know you can carry a tune?” And I’m like, “Yes, yes, yes, a radio hit. A current radio hit. Sure. Yes.” And then the only song I was able to summon was this one that was on the radio, which was… ♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪ ♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪ ♪ Bounce ♪ ♪ Motherfucker hammer time ♪ [laughter] Remember that classic from eight years ago? They were like, “Definitely not that song.” [laughter] “Definitely choose another song. Pick a song from your youth that you know a lot of the words to.” And I’m like, “Ah, shit. What song do I pick? I don’t know.” The only song that I was able to grab from the deep, wrinkly parts of my back brain was this hit, which was… ♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪ ♪ The milkman, the paperboy Evening TV ♪ -[cheering] -Which is the Full House theme song. And that’s evidently exactly what they were looking for in the character of Bumper. [scatting end to Full House theme] -[crowd cheering] -[hums guitar riff] Stupid. [applause continues] I’ve been, um… I’ve been traveling all over, preparing to do this special, so I’ve been doing stand-up all over. I did a college a few weeks ago. There’s a sign language woman on the side of the stage ’cause there’s a deaf guy in the crowd. I don’t know what this is, but… What if this is sign language? What if there’s one deaf guy in the crowd going, “Say it again, motherfucker!” [laughter] “You talk about my mama one more time.” So I don’t know much sign language, right? But I did learn one word, and in case you guys are wondering the word “blowjob” in sign language… Exactly what you think it is. [laughter] What? I felt bad. This woman was like my mom’s age. She’s like a 60-year-old woman. She’s like… [deep sigh] [laughter and applause] I felt bad, man, but not bad enough not to add that word to my act 85 times. Didn’t even make any sense. I was just screaming it. I was like, “Blowjob! Blowjob! Blowjob!” [vocalizing] I’m like, “It’s a carousel of blowjobs.” She’s like, “What does that even mean?” [ululating] I’m like, “Why’re you tickling the balls, Carol?” [laughter] “That’s not part of the sign. What you doing after this, Carol? What’s good, girl?” [laughter] This is a good-looking crowd, guys. -Not all of you. Not all of you. -[cheering] There’s some uggos out there. All right, man, some days I look so ugly. Ever wake up and you’re just like, “Did I drink acid last night? What happened?” And I’ve got a squishy, gummy face. I’m gonna look hideous when I’m older. Like, I’m gonna look like a human Saint Bernard. Just like… [laughter] Just the droopy of skin. So, like,  I was having one of those days a few weeks ago, and I walked past this window to get food with my friends, and I catch my reflection in this window, and I look at myself and I go, “You know what? You look like garbage. Time to give yourself a little ego boost.” So I looked at myself and go, “I would fuck that dude!” And I walked away feeling good, ego boosted, until I realized, I felt good about that exchange. The guy working at that Wells Fargo… [laughter] …felt pretty weird about that. This little troll motherfucker from Pitch Perfect waddles up to his window. “I would fuck that dude!” I hope it boosted his ego. I hope he’s like, “Yeah. You hear that, Sharon? He would fuck this dude. I know, I know. Not at work. Time’s up, I get it.” I have a girlfriend now. That’s a big thing in my life, guys. -Yeah. -[cheering] Yeah. It’s been four years, but, you know. I’m admitting it publicly now! [crowd whooping] [chuckling] Man, I hope we don’t break up. Yeah. [stammers] Like, guys have a hard time admitting that shit publicly. Girls will do it right away. You’ll be on like the third date and they’re like, “This my man. Back away, bitch, get the fuck away, bitch. This is my man.” Guys’ll be like a year and a half in and be like, “Oh, yeah. I know her.” [laughter] “Yeah, no. Yes. I’ve seen her around. She’s got that hair, right? Yeah.” Yeah. Then your friend calls you out. “Aren’t you living with her?” [laughter] And you’re like, “That’s where I’ve seen her around. Yeah. That’s right. The living room area. Correct. She does have that hair, though. That is true.” I– I– I will never break up with her, ever. Not that we won’t break up. I’m assuming she’ll break up with me, you know. And that’s what I want. I will never break up with a girl again, ever, never, never, ever. because if you’ve dated a girl for more than six months, all she’s doing is collecting horrific data on you, to crush you, just decimate you if you ever break her heart. I broke up with this girl once and I had to be cold with it, you know? I was like, “Hey, this is going nowhere. Just be cold, be strong, Adam.” So I’m like, “Hey, you know what? We’re done. I’m sorry, but it has to end now. I think we should see other people.” And without missing a beat, without missing one second, she goes, “You’re getting fat, you’re going bald, and your dick is whatever.” [laughter] [shouts] Yeah! Those are the three things I care about in my life. [laughter] Going bald, getting fat, and my dick being whatever? Whatever dick? So I looked right at her and go, “I am not…” [laughter] “…going bald.” [applause and cheering] Those other things are debatable. I’ll admit that. I had a girlfriend cheat on me once. Anybody have that? -[scattered applause] -Yeah, 2,000 people here, no one? Cool. You guys are like, “It might be your whatever dick. Think about that, maybe? Maybe that had something to do with it?” I cried in front of her. Oh, that is the most emasculating thing you could do. I– Why are you laughing? [laughter] Some mean bitch back there, like… [cackling] “We’ve caught another!” [cackling] I cried in front of her. That’s the most emasculating thing you can have happen to you. I didn’t allow her to see it, though, using the power of gravity. She was like, “I slept with someone else.” I’m like, “What’s that?” [laughter] “What do you mean, you slept with someone else? Explain yourself.” Just trying to wiggle the tears back in my tear ducts. How I found out is I walked into the room, and she was crying. That’s a bitch move. You don’t get to fuck someone else and keep all the boo-hoos. [laughter] All boo-hoos are mine in this scenario. I walk in the room, she’s like… “Mm-mm-mm… Mm-mm, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No.” You don’t know her, but this is a really good impression that I’m doing. “No. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.” I’m like, “What happened? Did one of the Pretty Little Liars die? You love that show. And she’s like… “Fine, fuck it.” [groans] [deep sigh] “I slept with Kevin.” And I’m an idiot, so I’m like, “What do you mean, you slept with Kevin? You slept near him when you guys went on that trip– business trip together?” And she’s like, “No, you fucking idiot, I fucked Kevin.” And I’m like, “Aah!” ‘Cause I know Kevin. Kevin’s nickname? Sweaty Kevin. [laughter] That’s not the guy you want to fuck your girl. You don’t want a guy with a nickname that starts with “Sweaty.” You don’t want Sweaty Kevin fucking her, you want Handsome Chris. Hemsworth. [laughter] If she fucked Chris Hemsworth, I would’ve proposed right then. “This shit’s real. Okay.” [laughter and applause] I would’ve told everyone for the rest of my life. I’d be like, “She fucked Chris Hemsworth. Now she’s fucking me!” [laughter] I would’ve told our kids. I would’ve been like, “Your mom fucked Chris Hemsworth. Now she’s fucking me!” And our kids would be like, “We know, Dad. We’re 6’4″ and blond.” [crowd cheering] [in Australian accent] “You’re delusional, mate. We’re Australian. What the fuck?” Stupid. I’m glad I have a girlfriend, mostly ’cause I can watch Netflix with someone, and not catch an STD. That’s it. Right? Like, being able to watch Ozark with someone and not have an itchy crotch. That’s the one-two punch of being in a relationship. STDs are terrifying, right? You guys disagree? That’s cool. You guys are like, “There’s some good ointments now, you can take care of most things.” STDs are scary, right? Not so much the S and the T, really. [laughter] Mostly the D. That’s the scary shit, right? Disease. Uh-uh. “Sexually transmitted” just sounds like some cool electronic band from Germany playing on the third stage of Coachella at 5:00 a.m., with some weird bangs, who’s like… [in German accent] “Hello… Ve are Sexually Transmitted.” [laughter] “Ja! Super. Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!” You’re like, “These guys are good. They’re from Germany!” [laughter] “Can’t wait for song number ten!” Disease, that’s the scary shit, right? I think the best STD to have… Um… [clears throat] …would be the one I have. Know what I’m saying? No, Adam, ew. Ew! No. I think the best STD to have, hear me out, would be crabs… ‘Cause they sound delicious, right? [laughter] “I’ve got crabs.” Well, I have butter. Let’s have a feast! [laughter] Wait, that’s pubic lice? Never mind. I’ll leave the butter at home. You know what? I’m bringing the butter. Let’s party tonight. Why not? Stupid. Why is it whenever you’re at a party, whoever says they’re cool to drive is always the least coolest person to drive? Without fail. Like, if you drove somewhere, you should be able to drive home, right? It’s like saying, like, “I can tie my shoes.” If you come in a room and say, “I can tie my shoes,” everyone’s like, “Get this motherfucker some Velcro. He cannot handle the bunny ear situation on his tippy-toes.” You know? It’s always that person that passed out early at the party. If you took a nap at the party, you’re not driving anywhere. There’s no naps allowed at the party. It’s always on that decorative pillow your grandma gave you, with, like, the zippers and buttons. So when he wakes up, he looks like he got in a fucking knife fight in the 4th grade. He’s like… Comes in the room, you’re like… “Where’re you going?” [slurring] “Where you going?” Does that thing every drunk person does when they open their eyes way too wide to seem not drunk, but then they look like a serial killer. Where they’re like… “Where you going? I’m cool to drive.” You’re like, “No, you’re not, Chad.” [laughter] “I just saw you shadow boxing in the corner for 20 minutes. You just pissed in my laundry basket.” Keep saying things that don’t make any sense. “The bitch took my Skittles. The sour ones! I love the sour ones!” And you’re like, “I won’t let you drive, man. I’m a good friend. I won’t do that to you.” And then he’s like, “But we’re going to Taco Bell.” And you’re like, “Let’s go!” [cheering and applause] Why is that? Why is that, like, the only food in American society that we’re willing to die for? There’s no other food. If it’s 3:00 a.m. and everyone’s wasted, and your friend’s like, “Let’s go get some chicken parm!” You’re like, “Shut the fuck up, Larry.” [laughter] “I’m not gonna go eat chicken parmesan right now, you monster. No chicken parm right now, we’re wasted.” But if he’s like, “Beef and Bean Chalupa!” You’re like, “Slit my wrist right now. I will die for this shit. Cheesy Gordita Crunch? Give me the noose!” [cheering] I enjoy a party, guys, as you can tell by my extra neck fat. I do, man. It was just my birthday a few days ago, guys. -Yeah. -[cheering] Yeah, I just turned 35 years old. [cheering] Yeah, okay. Give it up for your mid-thirties, I guess. It’s a shitty age. ‘Cause I still party, but I’m friends with my friends from high school, who have real jobs. They have kids and mortgages and real lives, and I’m like, “Hey, what are we doing for my birthday?” And they’re like, “Your mid-week 35th-year-old birthday? Absolutely nothing, you Peter Pan motherfucker. [laughter] We’re not doing anything for your birthday. It’s Dalton’s soccer practice… the next morning.” I’m happy too, man, because my friends used to try to murder me on my birthdays. Twenty-one was the scariest day of my life. I feel like girls are nicer their friends on their birthdays. They’re like, “Fuck it, bitch, let’s do you, spa day, ah!” Not guys. Guys are like, “Are you ready to die tonight? You better call Mom and Dad, ’cause we’re taking you straight to Hell.” You know? My friends tried to murder me. They’re like, “21 shots, 21 minutes. Let’s do this.” I’m like, “Oh, that sounds dangerous.” [laughter] “But okay.” It’s always the grossest shots you ever want to take. It’s never anything you enjoy drinking. So it’s like, “Dude, it’s Cum in a Bathtub. Take it.” [laughter] “It’s a Gorilla Ass Fart. Take it, take it.” “This is just homeless piss in Tabasco sauce. We call it the Spicy Leon. Take it, take it.” Half hour later, I was curled in the fetal position, asking God for forgiveness. That’s when my friends decided to get me laid, too, which sounds like a good idea in theory. But my friends, I feel like most guys’ friends, secretly fucking hate me. So they got the biggest monster-truck, behemoth-Clydesdale mountain lady they could find, one with a mole with hair coming out of it that follows you around the room like Jesus’ eye in the painting in the spare room at Grandma’s house, so you can’t masturbate ’cause Jesus is staring at you. Know that painting? She put it up on purpose. She’s like, “Not in my house.” Like, “Finally, some alone time,” and Jesus is like… [laughter] They bring her to me. They’re like, “Hey, Adam, this is Denise. But we like to call her… [whispers] …Diesel. [laughter] She plays linebacker for the Rams. Enjoy.” And I did. [chuckles] My friends are stupid, too. My friends always ask me dumb questions. My one buddy comes up to me and he’s like, “Bro, bro. Seriously, would you suck a dick for a million dollars?” And I’m like, “Hmm… Why, do you know someone?” [laughter] A million dollars? That’s such an insane question. First of all, 80% of everyone in here would be driving a Maserati the next day. Like, “What, this? No, there’s a deal at the dealership. Check it out.” [laughter] [chuckles] I mean, what a dumb question to ask. It’s not like there’s some gay, eccentric billionaire out there with a cauldron of money. Just some creepy billionaire with just this cauldron who’s like, “Suck my dick! Suck my dick. Gather around boys, and tinier boys… to suck my dick.” There’s a line a mile long of straight dudes, like, “Fuck it.” [laughter] “Gotta pay off the student loans,” you know? Chad’s definitely calling Derek, like, “You hear about this shit?” “What’d you say?” And he’s like, “The blowjob thing.” And he’s like, “I’m wind-sexual. I’m off that.” [laughter] Stupid. I want to be rich. I’m a little rich. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you for watching. [applause] I’m not like super rich, though. I wanna be super rich. I’m the type of rich that I can, like walk into a Chipotle… like, any burrito shop and then order extra chicken. And then when they say, “That’ll be two more dollars,” I’m like, “I don’t give a fuck!” [laughter] I’m like, “Extra chicken for everyone in this bitch!” And they’re like, “That’ll be $64.” I’m like, “Extra chicken just for me!” That’s my level. I was actually able to do something cool with my money recently. When I was 18 years old, I wrote my parents a check for a million dollars, and then in the memo I wrote, “Cash it when you can.” Then this past Christmas I was actually able to go home and take that check and fucking destroy it, you know? [laughter] ‘Cause now I’m greedy. I got a little taste. ‘Cause I want to be, like, really rich. I want to be the type of rich I can have, like, real fun with my money. Right? Like to be able to go into a police station, say, “Hey, cops,” take a shit on the floor, then leave. [laughter] Just dropping wads of hundreds on the way out. They’re like, “I would arrest him, but this is too lucrative. I got bills to pay.” I wanna be so rich that I can, like, line my pockets with jewels, diamonds, rubies, emeralds alike. When a homeless person asks me for change, I say, “How about I change… your life!” [laughter] Stupid. You guys are good laughers. I appreciate it. Thank you for laughing. I’m always fearful that there’s one prankster in the crowd, that when you guys were coming in, went up to everyone like, “Hey, let’s just not laugh the whole time.” [laughter] “Let’s fuck with him, right?” You’re good laughers. Thank you. I hate when people, uh, like, laugh when they don’t mean it, ’cause we can always tell. Like, they think I need a little help, and they’re like… [forced laughter] “Mm-mm. Not for me. This butthole stuff’s disgusting. Mm-mm. Not for me. Not for me.” Laugh if you think it’s funny. Don’t if you don’t. That’s how it works. My least favorite thing is when a person finds it funny, doesn’t laugh, comments on the laughter. They say something like, “That’s funny.” [laughter] “That is funny.” Really? Then laugh, you piece of shit. [laughter] Laughter’s an uncontrollable thing, like screaming from pain. You don’t get in a car accident, come out missing your arm and be like… [seething] “Shucks, this hurts.” [laughter] “Shenanigans, I’m gonna have to get this checked out.” [Adam hums a tune] No, they’re like, “Aah! My fucking arm is missing! I’m missing my fucking arm!” Blood, blood, tears, angst. This is what angst looks like, by the way. Spirit fingers. Cheerleaders are always in angst. “The car wash didn’t make any money.” [laughter] “Billy didn’t talk to me. [whispers] I’m not gonna eat today.” [cheering] Hurkey! If you had no arms, would you wave like this? “I’m over here. Come this direction. Come this way. Chad! Derek!” [laughter] I want to stop doing that joke. “If you had no arms, would you wave like this?” ’cause it’s… you know, it’s really stupid, but I can’t ’cause I did a while ago at this theater, Madison Square Garden, heard of it? [cheering] No, it was a Chinese restaurant, but a nice one, you know? And it was like this, where, like, it was a theater, and I couldn’t see the people in the background, you know, and at the punchline, where you guys laughed, ’cause we’re having the best time of our lives tonight, right, guys? [cheering] Hit it, girls. [laughter] No, not you guys. I hired some women with guns to come in and blow everybody, but… [laughter] Hard to find good help here evidently, but… At the punchline where you guys laughed, nobody laughed, and instead of laughing, one person goes… [booing] [booing continues] Took a breath… -…ooo! -[laughter] You know how much hate that is to go back for a second “Oo”? That is just unbridled hate, you know, have you ever second-booed your entire life? Never. So, you know, as a veteran comedian I was like… I ignored him, you know, ’cause I’m tiny. [laughter] And I get out to the lobby area afterwards, probably… signing titties or whatever, and, uh… [laughter] [scattered cheering] No, no. Keep your titties in. You took too long. I get out to the lobby area and there’s this dude there… -No arms. -[crowd exclaims] Right? How do you think I felt? It was goose-egg on the arm front. And he comes up to me like, “Hey, man.” Actually, he was like, “Hey, man.” [laughter] “I was really offended by what you said up there.” And I’m like… [seething] “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. But now that I’ve got you here… how do you wave?” I don’t know how he waved. That guy punched with his feet, I’ll say that. I know a good way to get out of a fight. You guys can use this. Next time you’re about to get in a fight, just be a little masochistic and a little erotic, and you’ll pull it off. You gotta be able to take one punch, okay? So you take the punch. And then you go… [moans] [moaning] [inhales sharply] [moans] Mm. Hit me again, big daddy. [laughter] Oh, that hurts so good. Hit me in my no-no zones. That dude’ll be like… “Chad, Derek, get out of here.” [laughter] “I’m gonna fuck this dude.” That’s it from me. Thank you guys so much. You guys have been amazing. [cheering] [rock music playing] Thank you, guys. Cape me up, baby! [cheering] This is so stupid. Thank you guys so much! You guys really have been amazing! I love this place with all my heart! I love all you guys for coming out. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight! [cheering] [woman] You want a ham sandwich? [man] Yes!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Epps: Only One Mike (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-only-one-mike-transcript/

♪ Washington D.C. are you ready? ♪ ♪ It’s about to be off The Richter scale tonight ♪ ♪ Give it up for Mike Epps ♪ ♪ Give it up, give it up, give it up ♪ ♪ For Mike Epps ♪ ♪ Give it up, give it up… ♪ What’s up, D.C.? ♪ For Mike Epps ♪ Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Don’t slow down. What’s up, D.C.? Yeah. You motherfuckers! Where the sexy ladies at? Where the sexy ladies? ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪ ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪ ♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it and you wanna show it ♪ Meet me behind this curtain right here for about five minutes. I seen some guys clapping over there when I said that shit. Yeah, D.C. up in the house! Yeah, y’all got some sexy ladies up in this motherfucker tonight. Yeah, there’s a lot of ladies wearing them bodysuits on and ain’t got no body in here too. You’re looking like a wrestler around here. You see when them big girls get out the car, the whole car get up like… Wham! Fellas, brush your teeth before you suck a girl’s titties. Now, I’m tired of it. You done let a raggedy mouth n i g g a lick your titties. Now your titties stink. You’re at work, don’t know where you smell doo-doo at. It’s your nipple, bitch! Fellas, cut your toenails. You’re trying to be sexy with a bitch and then cut her foot. Fellas, stop putting that Bigen in your hair, like these young girls can’t tell you did. Ain’t y’all tired of these old motherfuckers trying to trick y’all? I went to see Ginuwine. By the time he got to “Pony,” I seen some black shit dripping right here. By the time he got to the end of the concert, he did a 360 and three Adidas stripes right here on his forehead. ♪ My whole life has changed ♪ ♪ Since you’ve been in… ♪ Motherfuckin’ hairline done changed too since we’ve been up here. All these sexy ladies. I like coming to D.C., looking at all these beautiful ladies sitting in the audience. Yeah. I go to some cities, it’s hard to look in the fucking audience. ‘Cause all the werewolves buy all the first front-row tickets. Three rows of werewolves right in a fucking row. And they in the front, “Woo!” “Mike Epps!” I’m like, “How’d these ugly ass bitches get front row seats like that?” All the fine bitches in the back, “Mike!” Poorer than a motherfucker, “Mike!” Yeah, I was just in Arkansas. Shit! I don’t know what the fuck. They ain’t drinking water down there. And two of the girls got backstage, they was like, “What you doing after this?” I said, “Going to bed. I’m not fucking neither one of y’all. Security! Two circles is back here bothering me. Two Cheerios with legs and arms, is back here fucking with me right now. A grape and a marshmallow just left.” Ladies, stop putting them eyelashes on your car. You want a motherfucker to respect you, but your car look like a ho. Your car riding around trying to give that pussy away, just blinking in the hood. N i g g a s be like, “Man, I’ll fuck that car when I get a chance.” Yeah, women ain’t right. They’ll let you put your whole face in their ass and then say, “You a nasty n i g g a.” You’re like, “Hey!” Now you’re riding home smelling your top lip, mad. You got a booty-hole mustache. Spitting out the window. I ain’t never did that. I seen it on Lifetime. I seen it… Shut up, motherfuckers! I seen it on the Lifetime channel. I ain’t gotta sit there and lie to y’all. Y’all looking at me like, “Oh, you done had your face in an ass or two.” Yeah, man. Shit. It’s cold outside. It’s cold as a ho’s heart outside. Hell, yeah. I seen Ice-T and Coco. Man, I love Ice-T. I’ve been looking at Ice-T since six in the morning. You know what I’m sayin’? I’m a big fan of Ice-T. I seen him in the airport with his girl. He’s like, “Mike, we need to do a movie together.” I said, “All right.” But in my mind I said, “Man, they only give you two lines on Law & Order.” It’s fucked up how they do Ice-T. They done cut his ponytail and his lines. I seen him on there the other night. He came on there, “Homicide called this morning, said three kids missing.” I said, “Goddamn.” The man said two words on there, and then they cut him off. He leaned over a dead body the other night and said, “Yep, that’s him.” I said, “Oh, man. His ass is out of there.” Yeah, there’s a lot of old men in here ’cause there’s a bunch of Chryslers outside. They’ve got Chryslers and Polars and Cordobas. Yeah, I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I used to be able to piss from here to that wall right there. Now I pee on everything… toilet seat, floor, leg, foot, hand, wall. You know, the older you get, you get a built-in sprinkler system in your dick. The hole be open, but it come out five ways. That’s why I tell fellas, “You’d better use your penisas much as you can ’cause it’s gonna die before you.” Yeah, man, you keep living if you want to. You gonna be by your motherfucking self. Your dick gonna die, fellas. So if a woman get mad if you ask for some pussy, so fucking what! I’m working on borrowed time down there. Yeah, tell her. Shit. And women tell each other. If your dick don’t work, they’ll tell another woman in the community, and the whole place… Yeah. And you can tell the women that heard about it because they’d be looking at you going like that, “Huh!” And you go, “Hey, that’s the third fucking woman that done said ‘huh’ to me. What the fuck is going on around here? You didn’t say something, Barbara?” There’s some old women running around and hate on each other, hate on other old men and shit. You be in the gym. You see them old men in the gym trying to still keep it together. Got their little cocoa butter on. I know y’all seen them little old men walking around. Always got a saying. “Life is not a rehearsal.” Get your old ass… I ain’t seen you lift shit. And you know, other women come to the gym and they new, you know what I mean? Here come one of them hater old women. Woman talking about, “Girl, that’s a nice looking old man right there.” And another woman walk up and say, “Girl, you know his dick died two years ago? Yep. I read it in the paper. They said he beat it to death. That’s what they saying. I don’t know. That’s what I’m hearing.” Yeah, shit. And, ladies, I know y’all… Y’all don’t even understand. Y’all pussy gonna live forever. Long live… Yeah, the pussy gonna live forever. I seen it on 60 Minutes. They said… Yeah, they said your pussy gonna live forever. Long live the pussy! But ain’t no guarantee it’s gonna look the same. Now, ladies, do not fucking panic. When you pull your pants down and see that little man from The Lord of the Rings down there. “Hello, hello, hello. It is I, little precious.” Look down there and see a catcher’s mitt and don’t know what to… You think your pussy gonna look young forever like you? Cut it out. It’s gonna age like you, ladies. I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I was playing ball with some young dudes the other day, and somebody said, “Get Old School.” I said, “Who the fuck you talkin’ to?” They was talking to me. Age is a motherfucker, ain’t it? ‘Cause you be looking in the mirror like, “I look good.” And when you go outside, they go, “You getting older than a motherfucker.” “I don’t know what the fuck I seen this morning. Shit!” I was playing ball with some young dudes. Man, we were playing and shit. They don’t like playing with older guys ’cause older guys like me, you know what I mean, we don’t play no defense ’til we hit a shot. Soon as we hit, “Get back. Get back. Get your man. Get back.” “Man, get the fuck out of here. That’s your first fucking shot today. You telling a motherfucker to get back? You get your old ass back.” Get back. Every now and then, I have celebrities come to my show, you know what I mean, support me. You know what I mean, whether I like them or not, but they be in the house. Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause… give a round of applause, let’s clap it up. Donald Trump is here tonight, y’all. N i g g a s are like, “What? Where?” There’s some white people in here like, “Oh, God. For real? Serious? He’s here?” I can’t say nothing about his motherfucking ass right now ’cause I know he got somebody in here looking at me. Fuck you, whoever’s in here working for Donald right now. Yeah, well, I won’t be getting my cousin out of prison then. That n i g g a gonna kill me. “Man, what the fuck you saying that shit for, man? I thought you was going to visit me, man!” That motherfucking Kanye West fucked it up. He went to visit the motherfucker. He getting everybody out of jail. You know everybody in prison been calling me, “Man, you gonna go holler at Trump, man, or what?” Man, I can’t go stand with him. It look like I’m standing with the feds. Yeah, Donald Trump, man. That motherfucker wouldn’t… He won’t even… Y’all think he down there right now. He ain’t even in that house. He don’t live in that house. You know why? ‘Cause there was a brother living in there. And he be damned if he gonna move in behind a brother. “I ain’t moving in there behind him.” They said he called Obama. He said, “I did a walk-through. You left your wave cap in the bathroom. Whose Hot and Flamin’ Cheetos is in the refrigerator? It’s a German Shepherd tied up on the side of the house. Whose Cadillac on bricks is in the backyard?” Yeah, man. Obama, man. That’s a real motherfucker right there. Hey, man. I miss Obama, man. I miss Obama. He back smoking and everything again. I done see him. I seen him the other night. “Mike, what’s up, man?” ‘Cause that’s how Obama look when he going to cop some weed. He be like this… Michelle be sitting in the car. When he get in the car. Michelle, “Did ya get it?” “Let’s go. Just ride. Just drive, drive, drive. I know the cops are around here. Let’s get it and go. Smell it. It’s good this time. Smell it. Smell it. Let me put it in my nuts.” Yeah, Donald Trump, he mad, he mad, he mad. You know what I mean? He mad… You know what? I kind of figured it out. He probably got a little dick, you know what I’m saying? That’ll make a man mad as a motherfucker. You walk around here, dick little. You ain’t servicin’ the women right. That’ll make you angry as a motherfucker. Ladies, next time you see a man that’s mad and got a bunch of power, and you’re like, “Why is he so unhappy?” Dick this big. Got little dick issues. Look at Obama, man. Humble, got a beautiful family. I ain’t no homo, but n i g g a’s dick probably hit the ground. Shit hit the ground. And y’all know how humble I’ve been throughout my career. I’ve been humbler than a motherfucker. Yeah, yes, I’ve been humble. And if you think I’m lying, I ain’t gotta lie to you. This all me right here. That’s all me, Goddamn it. I’m thinking a n i g g a playing with… Yeah, shit. It’s crazy out here, man. Donald Trump, man, he cold. He told the Mexicans, “Build a wall. I’m tired of them coming over here. Build a wall right now.” Mexicans says, “Shit. We’re not building no wall. Shit. No, we’re not building no wall. Gonna build a wall so we can’t come back over here. Shit!” You see they ain’t built it yet. I know they weren’t talking about black people building that motherfucker. That’d have been a 30-year job. I can see brothers now, “You know I’m still down on the wall, right? I’m still down there on the wall, man. I think I’ve been down there, what? Thirteen years now or something like that. And I got my son on. My son working here now. Probably retire after another 20 years, man.” If the white man build the wall, they gonna build it in a year. Why? ‘Cause they had a plan. Yeah. It’s crazy, man. Shit. All these beautiful ladies out here. I come to D.C., man, to eat your motherfucking fish sandwiches and shit. Y’all got it going on out here. Go-go music, fish sandwiches, Redskins, Wizards. Real pimping in D.C. They got the motherfucking, uh, Ethiopians and shit. If Ethiopians rob someone, they gonna say, “What’d he look like?” They’re gonna say, “I don’t know. His head was big. And his brother work at a car lot. He takes tickets at a parking…” Aw, the Ethiopians is gonna fuck me up now. “You talk shit.” Them Ethiopians get mad if you call ’em something else. – “Somalian?” – “No, Ethiopia.” All y’all motherfuckers got big ass heads. Sixty-five-inch flat-screen forehead. That’s why they always think I’m Ethiopian. N i g g a, look at this motherfucking forehead right here. I got to go like this to make that hairline come down. How many women in here think they the best woman their man ever had? Keep it real. How many… Yeah, okay. Why? Why? She said, “‘Cause I seen the bitch.” You seen… “I seen that ho. You went backwards, n i g g a.” Women will dog a man out for his past relationships. They’ll tell you in a minute, “I’m the best thing you ever had. Look how people treat you now. You seem more happier, is what everybody is saying.” “Ain’t that a bitch. You gonna take God’s credit, baby?” We didn’t know we was gonna meet y’all ladies. If we knew we was gonna meet you, we’d have told every woman before we met you, “No, I can’t fuck with you. I got a bad bitch waiting on me five years from now. And she gonna kill me for fucking with your ugly ass.” Women don’t like to apologize, do they, fellas? Tell the truth. Hell no! You know how women apologize. “I’m sorry. Let it go. I did it. It’s over. Stop tripping.” It’s like, “No, motherfucker.” That shit ain’t going past that quick. We harping on this. ‘Cause when we do something, they don’t let us forget a motherfucking thing. It be two years later, they on their period… “Wanna go get something to eat?” “Go ask that bitch with the blue sweater on if she wanna…” “You still… That bitch is dead now. That bitch… Are you still talking about this bitch? This bitch is out of here now.” And fellas, if you in a relationship, and you ain’t got no fucking money, and you live with a woman, you need to walk on fucking egg shells. Don’t be walking around the fucking house doing what you want to do. You might get kicked out. Women be watching that shit. How comfortable your ass is, and you ain’t paid no fucking bills. Eating cereal and toast, twiddling and shit. Better walk around this motherfucker like this… Women be like, “Yeah. Yeah, motherfucker. Check it in.” ‘Cause that’s fucked up when a woman kick you out and you ain’t got nowhere to go. And you just talking shit. “Yeah, fuck this shit. I know what I am to this family. Shit! Talk that motherfucking shit to me. Fuck that shit. I know what I… Have you seen my, uh… My, uh…” I ain’t seen shit, man. They see the kids and try to confide in ’em. “Everything gonna be all right. Everything gonna be good.” The kid is like, “What? I ain’t upset about nothing. What’s…” “I love you. I love you!” Get your ass out of here, man. You fuck around, go to work and come back, this n i g g a asleep on the couch. “I thought you was gone.” “As soon as Earl get off work, I’m outta here.” If you kick a man out the house and you even say one thing remotely about like you care about him, he gonna start moving back in. “How’s your mother doing?” “Oh. She doing pretty good. Yup. You know they had her in the hospital last week? But they said her blood pressure done rose up.” Like, this n i g g a’s moved… Get your ass out of here, man. How you gonna move back in? That’s fucked up when a motherfucker leaves ’cause the kids really don’t like yo ass. Unless some kids don’t like no motherfucking boyfriend. You in there eating a snack, one comes in, “My mother bought them for our lunch. Mama, Melvin here eating our snacks again!” He on the phone with no shirt on, “Man, let me get off the phone, man. Tripping off a cheese and cracker set, man, you know what I mean? I done ate one of his Lunchables and he upset. Soon as I get this settlement, I’m out of there. I ain’t fucking with her or these little kids. I’m the one that taught these little motherfuckers how to pray. They didn’t even know how to pray when I moved in this house. The little girl was flunking. I got all her grades… Uh, here she come. I gotta call you back. Let me call you back.” You’d better get a job, motherfucker. I got four daughters. I don’t know what the fuck I did, wrong or right. Four daughters. Can you imagine? Oh, Lord. ‘Cause I’ve been running around lying to women and cheating on ’em and shit my whole life. God said, “I got something for you, n i g g a. Yeah.” You know God’s from D.C., he said, “I got something for you, slim. Got something for you, slim.” Four daughters. No more skeeting on bitches’ backs for me, and none of that. Skeet on another bitch’s back. I asked the doctor, “What did I do wrong?” He said, “You got to stop fucking women with dress socks on, Mike.” Walkin’ around butt naked with some dress socks on in the house. Yeah, it’s cool to have daughters, you know, ’cause you get to see your mother in them and shit. You see your mom. You like, “Damn, girl, you remind me of my mama.” You know what I mean? Get to see beautiful things when you got daughters, you know. But what fuck you up and make you mad is when they start dating. They start bringing little boys in the house. ‘Cause you don’t know what the effect of having a daughter is until she bring a n i g g a in the house. My daughter’s been bringing all little boys in the house that look like me. I want to kill every last one of them. I said, “If you anything like I was, I’m gonna fuck you up.” There’s one. I really want to fuck him up. He be walking around looking at me. “Ha, ha, ha.” “This little fucking tight pants ass little… nut-hugger.” I be looking at him going like this… “Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. N i g g a!” One night, I needed some weed. I couldn’t find none. I called everybody. I said, “I’m gonna try something.” He was sitting in there, I said, “Hey, man, you smoke weed?” He said, “No, I don’t smoke no weed.” I knew he was lying. I said, “Okay.” And before I can get out the door, he said, “I know who got it.” I said, “Oh, yeah?” “Yeah, I know who got it. I know who got it.” I said, “Is it good?” He said, “It’s loud.” I said, “Go get it.” Man, I’m sitting there watching this little motherfucker. He walk out the back door and walk right back in the house. I said, “I’m gonna fuck… I’m gonna slap the shit out of him, soon as I see him.” I said, “Hello. Who the fuck you think I am?” He was like, “What, OG? I got that.” I said, “Man, you had it on you.” I said, “Get your ass in here.” ‘Cause I still wanted it. I wasn’t gonna kick his ass out that house. As long as I’ve been looking for this shit, I said, “Get your ass in here, man.” Man, the weed was so good. I’ve been asking my daughter, “Where your little friend at? I kind of like him.” I liked him too much, I got a granddaughter now. That weed got a hold of her. But I see all you fellas running around, got sons. Yeah, that’s cool. You know what I mean? Y’all be bragging all in my face, teasing us and shit. That’s okay. One day, we gonna get our real love. It’ll be later on in life. ‘Cause all you fellas that got sons, you n i g g a s is going to the nursing home. I’m just putting it out there. ‘Cause I got a daddy. I want to put him in the motherfucker right now. You n i g g a s is going to the nursing home, man. All them football games and shit you done been to with him. He gonna trick you like he’s taking you to get some ice cream. “Butter pecan.” “Come on, Dad. Let’s get in the car.” “Butter pecan, butter pecan.” “Come on, get in the car.” “Aw, yeah. Butter pecan, butter pecan.” Gonna pull right up at that nursing home. “This ain’t butter pecan.” “Get your ass out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “Get out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “I need to live my life, Daddy. Come on. You lived your life. Get in here.” Yep. I’m gonna live with one of my daughters when I get grown. I’m gonna be living right in her front room. I have a big-ass bed laying right up in her front room. With all my medicines right here. It’s going to be orange right by my bed, on both sides of the goddamn bed. And all her friends will come over. I’m gonna act like I’m sleeping, pull my dick out. All her friends gonna be running past like this… “He’s a nasty ass n i g g a. Get your daddy, girl.” Yeah, it’s fucked up. You know what I mean. ‘Cause I don’t make all the best decisions in the world. You know, I’m a little special. Can you tell? Yeah! Fuck whoever said, “Yeah.” Don’t say no fucking yeah. Who the fuck said “yeah” over there? Somebody said, “Yeah.” I don’t look fucking special, do I? Even with the suit on? Bitch, with the chain and all that? That’s cold, man. Yeah, I’m a special-ed kid, you know what I mean. When women find out you in special-ed, they don’t want to give you no pussy. If a woman find out that a man can’t read, they’ll say, “Uh-uh. You might shoot a non-reading baby in me. Don’t you shoot no dumb n i g g a up in here.” The baby might not read, bitch, but I shoot money out these nuts. I shoot hundred dollar bills out these special-ed nuts. Yeah, I’m a special, man. It took me years to come to grips, to be in that, you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause I used to be embarrassed about it. You know, motherfuckers come around, get to using them big-ass words and shit. That’ll make a n i g g a walk away up out of that. You know? In a real conversation, they get to talking and shit. Man, I backs up out of there ’cause I can’t relate to what they talking about. I’m a special student and I never forget the day they came and got me out of a regular room and put me in there. Yeah, y’all laughing, but that hurt me, that… man. I still is messed up behind this. I’ll never forget the day they came and got me. It was raining. It was on a Wednesday. Look at the guys who’ve been to prison. “That’s when they take you to prison. On a rainy Wednesday.” Yeah, I was sitting in the motherfucking room, man, and the principal, the guidance counselor, and another teacher, they all walked in the room. I was like, “What’s going on here?” And they was scanning the room. They was trying to see who was in the room. They was looking at me and another dude. I told the other dude, “They coming for you.” He said, “Uh-uh, they’re coming for you.” They was walking all in between the motherfucking desks. Ready to come and get me. They said, “You. Come here.” I say, “Oh, man. That’s cold.” They was walking me down the hallway. I had my little lunch bucket, and they said, “Right in this room right here.” And I went in the room. I said, “Where’s the kids?” She said, “This is it.” It was six kids in there. I said, “Man, this is a mistake.” She said, “No, there ain’t no mistake. You was in my folder this morning when I came into work.” I said, “This ain’t right.” I said, “Look at him and look at me.” She said, “He asleep right now.” I told her, “You go fuck yourself and call my mama right now. This is a mistake.” See, the only way women find out you in them special classes, is if you go on a field trip with him. Don’t go on no field trip with them kids. I never walked with the kids when we went on one. I walked with the teacher. Just in case somebody seen me with ’em… I’m helping her with them. I’m a monitor. I don’t… I’m not in there. There goes this one girl, “No, you in there. ‘Cause you got a paper turkey with your name on it in there…” Remember them paper turkeys? I went in there and snatched that motherfucking paper turkey off the wall so goddamn quick. I said, “This is how these bitches is finding out I’m in this class. Through these activities I’m doing with you.” Y’all sitting up there laughing. I’m telling the fucking truth. My mother going to see this and be like, “He right. He… he… He ain’t lying.” Yeah, it’s a cold world, man. You know what I mean? But we all got to get through the motherfucker any kind of way we can. You know what I mean? And that’s fucked up, man, you know. Everything that’s going on in the world, man. That’s cold, man. You know, Bill Cosby and shit. Ooh, that was cold. The bitches wait ’til he was a hundred and told on him. That’s the bad part. You know, I don’t condone no man knocking bitches out like Floyd Mayweather with a pill. He was knocking them out, “Bip! Get on the ground, bitch. “Bip! Get on… Boop! Get on the ground. Foop.” That Bill Cosby was funny doing that case, man. Shit. I liked when he was walking to court that time and did a… Remember? I said, “What the fuck was that?” He must’ve thought he was gonna beat that case. He was like, “Ah!” In the beginning of the case, he couldn’t see. You remember that? He was going to court like this… He thought he was gonna beat that motherfucker. That n i g g a was… Soon as they gave him that time, he was back like this again. “I can’t see now. I can’t. Y’all remember? I can’t see.” They said, “Take that stick and tap your way in that room right there. Feel your way in that cell. You ain’t going to see this time, but you gonna feel it.” Yeah, they did my man Bill Cosby. He in there lifting weights now. One of my partners is in there with him. They said Bill putting about 350 on the rack now. He gonna have a tattoo saying, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yeah, that’s cold, man. They locked Bill Cosby up, man. You know, most of them was white women that did it. You know? All of them was white girls, and I tell brothers all the time, “You fuck a white girl, and you wake up in the morning and she’s crying, you’re going to the penitentiary. Period.” If it’s a black girl, you can give her 1,500. “Don’t ever do that shit again. You could have went down for this. Go ahead and get me some scratch-offs.” Black women will come back 30 days later. “I don’t feel right.” “Hold on. I thought I gave you the money.” “Nope. I don’t feel right. I thought about it, and I feel like I got short-changed. Them white bitches that’s telling on Bill Cosby is getting money.” “Okay. Well, what? How much?” “Another… a… another… You know what you gave me last time. ‘Cause you might have this phone tapped. Give me that same thing… and I forget about everything. You know what it is. Bye.” “I ain’t finna give you shit.” There’s a lot of sexy women around here, and they eating up all the coochie, fellas. We’d better get a hold of it, before they get it all. Leave some pussy on the plate for us, ladies. Fellas, we’ve gotta step our game up. ‘Cause these women come up on each other and put that soft tongue on each other. Women don’t want a n i g g a licking them no more. “Oh, n i g g a, you rough.” Been smoking Backwoods all day. You gonna put a Backwood tongue on… Back up, man. Got my pussy smelling like a berry Backwood now.” I was in a club. I seen a bad chick. I walked up talking to her. Here come Cleo from Set It Off. “She already taken, my n i g g a.” I’m like, “Who is this?” I can see her nipples through this leather jacket. Anyway, I took both of them back to the room and fucked both of them. Yeah, knocked both of them down. It was the craziest experience in the world. Fuck a lesbian. Oh, my God! Feel like I robbed a bank or something. Like, “Ooh!” It was crazy. ‘Cause when I was banging the woman that was the regular woman, and I was hitting it, the lesbian was standing over there naked with her titties swinging, smoking weed, saying, “Hit that shit, dog. Beat that pussy up.” I’m like, “You shut up. You throwing me off.” Old D.C., man. It’s motherfuckin’ D.C. gangster around here, man. Shit. Yeah. See, that’s what I like about D.C. Y’all ain’t got no gangs, you know. That’s what I like about D.C. Don’t fuck with no gangs. I tell kids all the time, “Don’t fucking ever join no association that ain’t got no motherfucking dental plans or none of that to it. Don’t fuck around and join a gang, ain’t no benefits.” I tried to be in a gang one time, you know. We had a gang called The Mad Dogs. See, y’all from D.C. It’s funny to y’all. “Ha-ha! The Mad Dogs. Young’un, it’s luncheon.” Yeah, we was called The Mad Dogs. We had a dog on the back of our jacket. And we about to fight, we say… And one night, I was at the movie theater. I had this girl with me, and The Cobras… There was another gang called The Cobras. They had little blue jean jackets with snakes on the back of ’em. About 12 of them walked in the movie theater. I said, “Oh, God.” And they chased me. And I called the leader of The Mad Dog gang. His name was Fatso. Rest in peace. I said, “Fatso, The Cobras got me up here.” He said, “Man, I’m watching the kids right now.” I said, “This is some bullshit. Now, I’m sitting up here watching a movie, and some n i g g a’s finna kill me, and you’re watching the kids?” “Yeah, I ain’t doing nothing tonight, Mike. We all laid back tonight.” So he said, “Call Scooter.” Scooter was supposed to be the shooter. I ain’t seen this n i g g a shoot nobody. I called Scooter. He’s telling me, “My car running hot.” I said, “You know what? Fuck y’all, all right? I’m out of this gang. I’m turning the jacket in. This is some bullshit.” He gonna tell me, “Let ’em get you, and we’ll get ’em later.” I said, “No, I don’t work like that.” Gonna fucking let ’em get me and then… No! It don’t fucking work like that. He said, “Where are you now?” I said, “In the movie… Where they show the movie at. Up there with the projector, n i g g a.” Yeah, it’s real, man, you know. Yeah. But God is good, man, you know. That’s why I don’t like complaining, you know, ’cause… That’s one thing I don’t never do. I don’t never forget that God is around, you know. Don’t ever forget God is good. And God is, you know… God is tired of a lot of people crying to him about bullshit. He is tired, man. He been working with people since the beginning of time, and he’s tired. At the end of the night, the angels take all they wings off, and be just sitting around and… they talk about people that they blessed and stuff, and God coming over to roll, and say, “Man, I’m tired of everything. Can you believe a n i g g a asked me for some rims today?” God is tired of everybody crying. You know what I’m saying? He gonna tell everybody one day, “Everybody throw your fucking problems on the ground. I’m tired of it.” And when you throw your problems on the ground, he gonna say, “Now pick ’em up.” And when everybody go pick their problems up, your shit gonna be gone. Somebody else gone took your shit and ran. That’ll make you appreciate your problems. You be crying every day about your shit. There’s somebody else fucked up worse than you. You done threw all your problems. You’re looking for your problems. “Where my problems at?” And your buddy says, “Somebody ran off with your shit, and left you theirs.” Now you walking around like this. “Has anybody seen my problems? Man, they left me with this shit.” That’s how somebody with a bad hip spin around. “Tony!” “What’s going on?” Ladies, would you fuck a man that had a billion dollars like this? Tell the truth. Lying ass… Look, look. They said they will. Look at that. You be talking about, “Girl, that walk is kind of cute that he got.” You know when a n i g g a put Gucci on, it’ll take all that away. “He got the new Gucci on.” That n i g g a like, “Yeah.” I fell in love with a skeezer one time and didn’t know it. Me too! You did too? Is that her you sitting with right there? Shit! He like this, “Me too.” Her breath over there, dicky as a motherfucker. Yeah, I fell in love with a motherfucking skeezer and didn’t know it. I took her to a picnic, and everybody was laughing at me. I was like, “What the fuck is so funny?” N i g g a s was like, “Oh, Mike. Oh.” I was like, “What?” “Nothing, man. Just do your thing. Do your thing, Mike.” I was like, “Something the fuck ain’t right.” I told her, “Come here. I need to talk to you. Is there something I need to know?” She said, “Mike, I wanted to tell you. I know everybody. That’s all I wanted to tell you.” I said, “I’ve gotta go find me an old antibiotic in the house somewhere.” There’s some old tetracycline up in there. Yeah, I love D.C. This ain’t the strip club city, though. They took me to… What’s it called? Live? Uh… Stadium! Stadium. Yeah. The Stadium. Yeah. They took me to the Stadium. Yeah, that was all right, you know. But they’ve got some strip clubs in D.C. that don’t even need to exist. What’s the name of that other one? They need to throw a bomb up in there and blow that motherfucker clean out. It is hazardous in there. It’s unhealthy. The sanitation ain’t right. They got three shifts of women working in there, all related. Yeah. Daughter, momma and grandmama at this one strip club I go to. The daughter work grave shift. Yeah, eleven ’til seven in the morning. The momma work three ’til eleven. Ain’t playing nothing but Keith Sweat and Baby Bash and shit in there. The grandmama work during the day. Them old strippers work from ten to two. Them motherfuckers be out there… Old Margaret. Ain’t no music on. Price Is Right be on TV. Is this bitch dancing on top of me, talking about “The Guiding Light, sponsored by Charmin, the quicker picker-upper.”? She giving you a dance with People’s Court on. “These cases are real.” I see why there’s so much crime in y’all city. The police ain’t shit. Not the ones in here. That’s my man and them. Y’all police is n i g g a s, man. Them n i g g a s got dreadlocks and shit. “Yo, shorty. What the fuck wrong with you, shorty? Driving a motherfucking car like that, shorty.” You ain’t a police, man. ‘Cause if the police jump behind motherfucking n i g g a s, they call their mama. “Mama, the police behind me.” “Oh, Lord. Where you at?” “They behind me.” “Oh, my God. It’s time for your prayer, Corey. Remember what the prayer was?” She tell your daddy, “Ray, they got him.” Them black daddies be glad you going to jail. “That’s good enough for his ass. Let him go down there and clear shit up. This is good. He can go down there and get him a trade. Get that n i g g a’s ass out of this house. Sucking up all my heat and food. Let his ass go down there… and clear shit up.” Your mother be, “Oh, don’t say that, Ray. He’s in school.” “That n i g g a ain’t in no school. Shit.” “She’ll believe anything that n i g g a say.” “He’s a good son, Ray.” The Mexicans get pulled over and ain’t got no license, registration or nothing. They be like this when the police pull up… “Do you have license, registration?” “Yes.” “Did you hear what the fuck I just said?” “Yes.” “Do you understand English?” “Yes.” “Are you fucking with me?” “Yes.” “Do you know you’re going to jail?” “Yes.” “Step out the car.” “No, no, no, no. Ah… no, no, no, no. Ah! White people get pulled over by the police, they get out and be talking to ’em. “How’s everything going?” What the fuck is this? They out there talking to each other. There’s a lot of old women in here, man. You know what I mean? I love that. I love to see grandmas and mamas and shit out here in the audience. You know, excuse my language. You know, but y’all did some of the same shit we did. A lot of you, you only know your grandma as who she is now. You didn’t meet her ’til she was 50. You don’t know who the fuck she is. She just turned to God when you was born. Old women ain’t scared of shit. There’d be a rat in the house. They’d be like, “Go on, now.” Did she just tell a rat to “go on, now?” And they don’t be scared of no motherfucking burglars either. There be a burglar come in the house. “Where’s the money at, bitch?” “Who are you supposed to be?” Them grandmothers know about everything going on, and they ain’t never out their house. You ever noticed that? How in the fuck do old people know about everything? They know about who got shot and everything. “Know that one boy got shot, and they said Tony did it. This is what I heard now.” And they on Instagram. You think they don’t see you posting them naked pictures on Instagram? There’ll be a family gathering and grandmother’ll pull you out. “Come here. I want to talk to you for a minute. What’s this shit I heard, you done showed your puss on a computer?” I try to support black people, man. You know. I try to support black people as much as I can. You know what I’m saying? It’s not fucking easy. Yeah. It’s hard as a motherfucker supporting black people, you know. I try to support this black dude, one of my partners. He got a haunted house, you know. He’s a street dude. N i g g a done just got out of prison, and he got a haunted house. “Mike, bring your kids to the haunted house.” Oh, what’s this n i g g a doing with a haunted house? In Detroit, too. Ain’t that a bitch? And in the back of the haunted house is a halfway house. Everybody just… Yeah. Everybody that just got out of prison is working as monsters… in the haunted house. When I walk my kids in there, they was like, “Something ain’t right.” And I ain’t never seen monsters as cool as these n i g g a s. Prison n i g g a s in there as monsters. So the first monster come out like this… “Roar! Roar.” I’m like, “What kind of monster n i g g a is this?” He noticed it was me. He was like, “Mike Epp! N i g g a, you know I just came home? I just did 15, right. They got a n i g g a with this monster shit on, you know? It’s all right, though. Know what I mean? N i g g a gotta do what a n i g g a gotta do, Mike. Let me finish scaring y’all. I said, “Move, man. The kids ain’t scared no more. You done showed them your face and told them how much time you did. It’s over.” We walk in the other room. It’s a dude rolling weed. This n i g g a turned around… I said, “N i g g a, it is over. They done see you rolling weed. Ain’t nobody scared.” He tried to get me to work at the fucking haunted house. True story, man. There was some kids trapped in a fire. This is some real shit I’m talking about. There was some kids trapped in a fire. The fire was so fucking bad that the fire department came and said, “Man, we can’t save the kids.” Hurt my fucking heart. I mean, the whole neighborhood was crying. It’s some real shit. Motherfuckers was on their knees, crying and shit. So the neighborhood… The thugs in the neighborhood was like, “Okay, motherfuckers. Y’all don’t wanna go in there and do your job? If y’all don’t go in there and get them kids, we gonna light y’all’s ass on fire up out here. So the fire department got scared and called the police. Police and the SWAT team came down. They about to fight the whole neighborhood. Man, here come a dude named Shoo-Poo. He walking down the street. He done broke in everybody’s house. You can tell he a crim… He walked around with hospital scrubs on all the time. N i g g a walking round… And seen all the commotion and said, “What’s happening?” They said, “Man, there’s some kids in there and the fire department won’t go in there and get them.” He said, “What?” He said, “Yeah.” He said, “Fuck that. That’s some bullshit.” He took his shoes off. The police said, “You’d better not go in there.” He said, “Fuck you.” They tried to grab him, and he ducked up under them, and went in the house. Whole neighborhood was quiet ’cause they thought he was going in there and he was gonna die. Nine minutes later, came out of house with all three of them kids. Lay them in the grass. Made the police and the fire department look like shit. He said, “Fuck that. There’s some more people in there.” They said, “No, it ain’t.” He said, “Yes, it is.” And he ran in there again, and they said, “Oh, he a fool. Ain’t no more kids in there.” This time, he was going in there to steal some shit. He sees some shit in there when he was getting them kids outta there. He said, “Ain’t going to give me nothing. I better get me something now.” Yeah, I love D.C., man, but… I know you brothers out here better go to work. Don’t call in. ‘Cause y’all got Mexicans out here now. And every time you call in, Hector call his little brother. “Juan… Tyrone called in again today. He turned up last night too, late. He’s off again. You’re gonna get the job.” See, I thought all Mexicans was just grass cutters, until I moved to L.A. You know, you look at the Mexicans. They always portray them as Dora the Explorer and all that shit. So you’d think they straight run-overs. Man, I move to fucking L.A. I’m in the Home Depot buying some nails, and a motherfucking Mexican just walked up and grabbed… I said, “Hey, man.” He say, “I’m getting…” I say, “These ain’t your…” And he said, “Fuck you.” I said, “Fuck you.” So he left. I was like, “Fuck that motherfucker, man.” About an hour went past. I done pay for my shit. I’m walking out the Home Depot, and I see ten Mexicans. But I didn’t pay no attention. I was like, “Fuck them. They ain’t into nothin’. You know what I mean. Fuck that shit.” I’m pushing the cart, and I see another Mexican. But this ain’t no worker. He done jumped out that motherfucking brand-new Escalade 2019. Got a bald head. Tattoo on his whole face. He about six-three. And he jumped out the motherfucking car, man, and shut the door. I said, “Oh, shit. Who is this?” Had a Raiders jersey. I swear to God he had a Raiders jersey on. He was walking in between the cars like this… I said, “Who in the fuck is this?” He said, “Hey, psst, come here.” I’m like, “Who the fuck… Who are you talk…” That’s what I said to myself. I didn’t say it to him ’cause I was scared than a motherfucker. I know a killer when I see one. This the dude that be on Lockup: Raw and all that. ‘Cause you know everybody think they real until real walk up on ’em. You know, every n i g g a in here be talking about, “I’m gonna motherfuckin’…” ’til the real shit walk up. You’d be thinking about your kids and career and all that. Man, I got kids. You ain’t have no kids when you was in front of your girl telling her, “I’ll tear all them n i g g a s’ ass up.” Man, my heart is beating, and he’s walking towards me, says, “You say something to my little nephew in there?” A whole hour done went past. I done forgot who the fuck his nephew… I said, “Who?” I’m thinking he’s starting. I’m like, “Who’s your nephew?” He said, “Paco, psst, come here.” And the little dude named Paco, he came out of nowhere and said, “Yeah, that’s him right there.” I was like, “Oh, my God.” This n i g g a done went and got some motherfuckers over some nails. They was finna fuck me up. This how I know God is real. And I got favor. He was walking towards me, and his bottom lip was shaking. But one of them stopped all of them and said, “Hey. That’s fucking Day-Day.” I was like, “Yeah! It’s me! I grew my hair out. You ain’t know it was me?” They was like, “Oh, Day-Day. What’s up, bro?” I’m in the parking lot for ten minutes, talking about 15… 30… ♪ Thirty-five… ♪ ♪ Forty… ♪ ♪ Forty-five, forty-seven ♪ The Mexicans just stand there dancing like this. I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all, D.C.

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Ralphie May: Filthy Animal Tour (2014) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ralphie-may-filthy-animal-tour-transcript/

Ralphie May hosts his legendary Filthy Animals in Portland Oregon to a packed house. In this comedy special, Ralphie takes you on a fun filled barnyard tour full of bellyaches, discomfort and laughter. Always funny, uncomfortably hilarious and occasionally awkward, Ralphie May is joined by a cast of rising comedians that push the boundaries of comedy, because Ralphie’s big enough to get away with anything. ** (cheering and applause) What’s happening, baby? Yeah! What’s happening, you filthy animals? Sit down, God damn it. We got shit to do. Can’t have you standing around, like, look at all these white people, looks like an anti-Obama rally or some shit, I don’t know. It’s great to be here in Portland. I thank you for having us. I– I love coming to a town where the weather is always partly suicidal. It’s awesome. I love wearing fur. People go, that’s so crazy, a big fucking fat guy wearing fur. I’m like, yeah. Top of the food chain, bitch. I got thumbs. I’ve got thumbs. Go fuck yourself. It does, it looks like I finger banged a sasquatch. Big feet, tight ‘giner. That’s all I’m saying. Tight, tight ‘giner. If you can get it, get it, that’s why they’re so God damn mysterious, tight ‘giners in this day and age. Can’t find ’em. Can’t find a squeaky monkey hardly at all. Am I lying or am I dying? Come on, creeps, you know what I’m talking about. Fuck yeah, squeaky ‘giner. Rare. Have to finger bang a midget to find something like that, man. A papercut. See, some of y’all are already groaning at me, okay? You need to understand, okay? Me and my friends, we’re kinda like a finger in your ass, okay? Uncomfortable at first. But… But not so bad, not so bad. Just a knuckle, nothing gay. Easy, sleazy, one knuckle deep. A little how-you-doing. Trick or treat, come on with you. Holler. We are in Portland, home of stinky white people, all right? They are fucking– Let me give you the downtown Portland greeting. Hey, man, can I get $2? Can I get $2? Can I get $2? How about $1.89? $1.76? What you got? What you got? I can take that. Dirty ass white people. Oh, God, it’s so fucking disgusting. Okay, you don’t have– I can’t find a job! Try pissing on the outside of your pants. You know what I’m saying? Fucking– That makes you amazingly more employable. You’d be surprised. When you don’t reek of piss and squish when you walk, uh, you… That’s what those tight jeans are for. That’s why they’re so tight. They piss in ’em and it fucking shrinks ’em up. What the fuck is with that, okay? Tight pants, skinny jean dudes. Okay, listen up. You’re not supposed to know a dude has got camel toe from the back. That’s all I’m saying, man. You know? It’s like, hey, hey, player, hey. Hey. Get some loose pants or enjoy your yeast infection, you pick, okay? Then they do that dumb shit with their ears? That big, dumb fucking hoop shit where they put, like, a– a coaster in their fucking dumb ears? That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. It is so dumb. It’s not like it’s gonna come back. It’s not like an earring where you take it out and it just seals up. You’ve got loops in your ears forever, bro. You can’t ride a motorcycle, you put the helmet on, your little… Ears are flapping. What cracks me up is that it’s only white people that are doing that shit and Mexicans that think they’re white. That’s it. And– But every time I say that after the show, some white guy with these dumb fucking hoop earrings with a Frisbee in his ear comes up and he’s like, you know, dude, this started in Africa, it started in Africa. Yeah. But you don’t see black guys doing that shit right now, do you? Fuck no. ‘Cause every black person’s been told by their great grandparents and their great parents– parents before them and their great, great, great-grandparents before them that that’s how white people caught black people. Right, player? There’s some black guys in the back. Right, money? Fuck yeah. They got y’all on y’all’s jug handle. You ever had your grandmamma get you by the fucking ear? That’s what they did, they got ’em by their jug handle. You can’t go nowhere when you got somebody in your earlobe like that. You’re like, oh, shit, oh, shit! That’s what happened. Now, I know some of y’all are shocked and you’re like Ralphie May, you’re telling us that the reason black people got caught and put into slavery is ’cause white people grabbed them by their jug handle earlobes. Yes, that is what I’m saying. Okay, that’s my hypothesis. Yours would be that there was a bunch of white people faster than black people. Now– Come on, what– What, come on? Which is more believable, your theory or mine? Mine. Mine make a hell of a lot more sense. Oh, man. Stinky, dirty white people. Old white people, oh, enough with them, too. Enough. Old white people in Washington, they fucking hate our president. I’m old school, like, look– I don’t maybe not like the man but God damn it, I love the office, you know what I’m saying, I respect the president, maybe that’s just me, you know? I wasn’t one of these comedians making fun of George W. Bush when he said “nuke-ular.” I don’t know, I didn’t invent it. That might be how you pronounce it. I don’t know, I wasn’t there. “Nuke-ular” might be the shit, that might be it. What if Albert Einstein had a speech impediment? “Nuke-ular.” You don’t know. You weren’t there. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t like him because he traded Sammy Sosa, but that’s just me, you know. That’s how I vote. Did you ever run a baseball team and trade Sammy Sosa for some bullshit pitchers? I can’t vote for you, son, you can’t have the button. I’m sorry. But Barack never traded anybody. I like Barack Obama, I do. But every time these white guys in Washington say “Barack Obama,” it’s like the word “n i g g e r” is right below the surface. Y’all notice that? Y’all notice that, playboy? You know what I’m talking about, right, money? Every time, every time, they got so much hate, they can’t even hide it. It’s like a n i g g e r shark swimming right below the surface, you know what I’m saying? It’s like– That Barack Obama, ooh, he’s a… Woo! Who wants to give healthcare to people? Ahh! N… Ahh! It’s like they’re all Yosemite Sam, you know? They’re turning into Yosemite Sam. Ooh! I hate that Barack Obama. He’s the n i g g erest nig that ever n i g g ed a n i g g e r. Racist motherfuckers. Sick of that shit. People have a problem with the black part of him, ’cause he’s half and half. If he was white, they wouldn’t have no problem with him at all. I gotta say, that’s the part I got a problem with, is the white part. I want that black part to show up every now and then. Just, like– Just a TV, just come up. Uh, breaking news. The president is about to address the country. Yo! What’s up? I want everybody to hear this shit from me. So you didn’t hear it on the streets, you know what I’m saying? Ten minutes ago, I called that cocksucker over in Syria, who be using chemical weapons and shit and killing babies? I don’t play that. I don’t play that. Ain’t nobody killing babies and shit on my watch, son, you know what I’m saying? Chemical weapons my ass, pussy. Get in there and do it yourself. Can’t fucking roach bomb a fucking country. I told that– I say, hey, hey! Yo, yo! Motherfucker! Look out your window! Bam! I wanna take his dick and hit the button with his dick. (imitating explosion) Yeah, that was my dick, son. Be bombing you later. What’s up? You dropped a bomb on me. I love it, man. Cracks me up. People are uptight, man. You know, they– What the fuck? They want to ban gay marriage like that’s an issue. Okay, is that a problem? Does anybody have any problem with gays getting married? If you do, have you been married? Have you fucking been married? It ain’t no God damn walk in the park, I’ll tell you that shit for real. It’s a God damn job. It’s hard work, Jack. Hard work. You’re doing it right, it ain’t easy, okay? It ain’t like it’s fun all the time. Look, homos, you wanna get married? Jump in the boat and start rolling with the rest of us, I don’t give a fat baby’s dick. I don’t care. I don’t care. But I am gonna tell you, all weddings should be gay. All weddings should be gay. All weddings should be gay. I went to a straight wedding this year, okay? It was a friend of my wife’s, okay? And– That’s right, I’m married. Sorry, bitches, pack up your pussy and hit the bricks. That’s right. Sorry, girls, none of this sweet dick for you, baby. No. No sweet dick for you. Okay, just the tip, but that’s just a little bit. Um… I went to a straight wedding, she was a friend of my wife’s that she hadn’t seen in 20 years, okay? And then she’s acting like they’re all friends. Oh, my God, girl, you remember when we gave handjobs to those two lacrosse guys? And I’m like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this handjob lacrosse shit? What the– Oh, nothing, it was crazy. I don’t even remember doing it. Only saving grace is I’ve had her handjobs for, like, 15 years, I know how shitty they are, so I was like… That guy probably got a broke dick, ha ha, ha ha. She was worse then. So… We went to this wedding, okay, and… Oh, my God. It was so horrible. This fat bitch took forever to walk down the aisle. You didn’t even recognize the wedding march. Walk, fat bitch, walk! Get your big ass up there. Maybe if you didn’t have a 300-pound dress on, you’d walk a little faster, God damn it. She gets up there and she– They light at candle. Some other fat bitch gets up and sing, they light another candle, the guy does some poetry, which is never a good idea. Like every night has its dawn, every rose has its thorn. And I’m like, is that Poison? Is that motherfucker doing Poison? Bret Michaels, Poison! Ahh! So funny. Oh, my God. Hilarious, I cracked up at that shit. I was like, well, this sucked, but the wedding reception’s got to be better, right? It’s got to be better. It wasn’t. Cash bar. Fuck you, man. If you’ve got a cash bar, you’re an asshole. Just have the wedding at your mama’s house, get a couple of keggers, man, get that barbecue out, fuck catering, make Lipton burgers, I don’t give a shit, but don’t have a cash bar, man. You’re just a dick. Right? Fuck yeah. Cash bar my ass. And then the food was shit. It was– Fucking shit chicken and green beans, not even mashed potatoes, and I’m a fat guy and I flipped the fuck out. You don’t know, I flipped the fuck out, Jack. I was like, mashed– Where’s some fucking mashed potatoes? Shit chicken and green beans with no mashed potatoes? You fat bitch, I bet you got mashed potatoes! You had the God damn nerve to register at William Sonoma, I bought you a $600 vitamix God damn blender and your fat ass ain’t never made a fucking smoothie in your life. You fat bitch! That’s when my wife made me leave, man, my wife made me leave. Oh, God. We went to a gay wedding, though, two weeks later, okay? Fucking awesome. That’s all I can say. It was fucking awesome, all right? Every wedding should be gay. This was one so much fun. The worst part about it is when you first get there, you’re like… Where do we sit? Where do we fucking sit? Technically, they’re both the groom. All right, I got it. We’ll sit on the aisle, and if we’re on the wrong side, we’ll just yell “Red Rover, Red Rover, send some of y’alls faggots over.” It was awesome. During the ceremony, they had some entertainment. They had a six-foot-four black male transvestite singing Cher. It was fucking great. “If I could turn back time…” (singing gibberish) “Oh if I could turn back time…” I guess he really got into it. He popped a boner and lost his duct tape and so half his cock came out. Had to re-duct tape his dick back down. I guess that’s bad form in the transvestite world. Have your dick pop out during a Cher ceremony or something. It was great. The vows were quick. The vows were quick, Jack. Do you agree to be a top and a bottom? Yes, yes. Done. We’re out. The reception was fucking epic, man. And not epic in the fagster way they say it, you know, the hipster– The hipster little shit. “It’s gonna be epic.” Go fuck yourself. It’s a poetry reading in a coffee house, it’s not gonna be epic. But what happened… They had– Okay. Okay, open bar, fuck yes. Open bar. You’re God damn right. ‘Cause trust me, people are fucking drinking at a gay wedding. I saw a guy get a big pint glass, like, for beer, and told him to– told the bartender to fill it up with vodka and limes, that’s it. That was all that was in that. He drank three of ’em in eight minutes in front of me. Almost a whole bottle of Belvedere. Said five words to me the whole time. Yep. That’s my son. I’m trying to bond with him even though I like– I like the guys who are gay. I’m like, yeah, wanted a football player, got a cheerleader, huh, man? That’s how it goes. That’s how it goes, man. You roll the dice. Roll the dice. I blame the God damn mama letting him run around in her fucking high heel shoes and shit, that’s what happened. Just angry. So funny. Oh, God damn it. They had a whole buffet, okay? It was fantastic food. They had a shrimp tower, they had an ice sculpture of a dude with a massive cock and people could get shots of vodka right off his cock. It was great. But on the– On the dance floor, DJ, man, you’re good, B, you’re really good, but this DJ was off the fucking charts, man. Gay DJ? What? First of all, all of his clothes lit up in glitter, okay? All his shit lit up in glitter and then he had lasers and smoke and shit. You ain’t got no lasers, okay? This shit would be on HBO if we got lasers. Am I lying or am I dying, right? If we had fucking lasers? Fuck yeah. Get us some lasers. He had four– Okay, there was four huge pedestals on each corner of the dance floor and up there was a– Each one had a Puerto-Rican male exotic dancer, okay? All right, just super skinny, tanned, oiled up, wearing a sequined G-string, shaking his cock and balls and wearing angel wings, just… And one was right there by the shrimp tower. And I wanted some fucking shrimp, but I didn’t want a dick on my head, you know what I mean? I didn’t want to get teabagged, okay, at 7:30 at this gay wedding and think, like, oh, that’s cool, okay? ‘Cause I mean– If you start off with a dick on your head, I mean, what’s further down the line, you know what I mean? So sent my wife over there. All right, get ’em, but duck, okay? If he swing that dick, duck. You’re shorter than me, give me some shrimp. Every now and then, those gay angels would fly. I didn’t know they were wired and they would fly from pedestal to pedestal, just sprinkling fairy dust over everybody, just… Fairy dust, hee hee hee. Sorry. That’s a twofer joke right there. If you get it, you get it. There was three pills on our plate, three pills, okay? And everybody had ’em. And that’s when one of the gay angels took the microphone. He was like, okay, party people! Let’s do this shit, okay? Okay? All right, party people! I can’t fucking hear you! That’s right, motherfuckers! We’re gonna do this shit. We’re all about to go down to wonderland. We’re gonna fall down the rabbit hole. Everybody’s got pills on their plate, okay? And one is gonna make you small and one’s gonna make you tall and then there’s a Goldilocks pill, baby, that’s just right. Yeah. We’re gonna do this shit. My nipples are so fucking hard. We’re gonna do this shit, my nipples are so fucking hard. Oh, my God. Okay, party people. All right, party people? Are you ready to do this, party people? I can’t hear you, party people! Fuck yes! On three! One, two, three! And he did the pills, right? And my wife looks at me, she’s like, should we– should we do these pills? I’m like, fuck yes, we should! Are you shitting me? These are gay drugs. These are the best drugs they fucking make, man. Took those gay drugs. There wasn’t nobody sitting beside me here, I took their gay drugs. Fuck it. You gonna dance with the devil, you might as well lead, you know what I’m saying? God damn right, man. I– 30 minutes later, I had my shirt off. I was fucking dancing, poured water over myself, redoing “Footloose.” I’m a maniac… Holding my balls, listening to Ke$ha. It was a fucking party, man. That’s why all weddings should be gay. It’s a party. We all got somebody gay in our family, okay? I don’t know why they have problems with gay folks. If you don’t have nobody gay in your family, you might have two or three, okay? Trust me. Trust me, okay? If it ain’t one, it’s two or three, all right? For me, it’s my Aunt Sandra. My Aunt Sandra been lesbian since jump, okay? And growing up, my– My mama and my grandmamma, in the early ’80s, late ’70s, they– That’s where I was living, in my grandmamma’s house, but they didn’t know that my Aunt Sandra was a lesbian, even though she brought her “roommate” to Thanksgiving like 19 years in a row. I mean, come on, get with it, right? I knew she was a lesbian at six. We was outside playing football and she about broke my God damn hand. Pow! Oh, shit! I don’t wanna play no more. Aunt Sandra got some pepper on that ball, that hurts. Oh, fuck! Lesbians got strong hands from years of finger banging, okay? Don’t believe that. That’s from years of good fingerblasting. Bitches got strong hands. You also need to know, I’ve been mean my whole life, okay? I’ve been mean my whole life. I’m dirty, I’m irreverent, I’m honest. I’m– I’m kind of a dick sometimes. I’m a wiseass. I don’t have any tact. I’ve been mean my whole life. I’m not my mama’s favorite child. I’m not. I wasn’t liked in school by the teachers, they hated my guts. They tested me to see if I was a retard. Swear to God, at 15, what the fuck? At 15, you’re gonna test me, see if I’m a ‘tard? I’ve been at this school for ten God damn years and you’re just now getting around to finding out if I’m a retard or not? You bunch of assholes. And you bunch of assholes are like, well, what’d they find out, Ralphie? What’d they find out? Dicks. Hey, if I’m a retard, you paid a shitload of money to see a retard, okay? Fuck off. So funny. So this happened the Thanksgiving after– of 1980, okay? It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, okay? And I’m wearing my long Johns, okay, I’m watching the new TV up on top of the old TV. And I’m eating some good-ass leftover peach cobbler, okay? Out of a Cool Whip bowl stained with chili or spaghetti sauce. Yeah, baby, yeah. And I hear my mama say to my grandmamma, “I don’t know why Sandra can’t find a good man.” And I’m like, ’cause she likes eating pussy meat, mama, that’s why. Yeah, that wise ass remark got me ten minutes with yellow Dial soap in my mouth. Ain’t nothing worse than yellow Dial. Yellow Dial is the nastiest God damn soap they ever created. Yellow Dial soap, oh, Lord. I’d rather have 20 minutes with Dove than ten minutes with yellow Dial. Oh, shit. And my wiseass mouth got me another five minutes added on to it, I’m like, mama, why y’all putting soap in my mouth, it’s Aunt Sandra that’s eating all that pussy meat, y’all put something in her mouth. There’s another five minutes. You can imagine how traumatizing it was. That was the family soap. It wasn’t like a new bar, you know what I’m saying? So it’s like all my family in my mouth, just nasty. My brother jerking off, my mama and her old titties and shit, my grandmamma’s ass up in my mouth. Woo! Woo! Thank God it didn’t get the dirt and filth out of my mouth forever, I wouldn’t have a God damned career. That’s my part of the show, folks. Are you ready to do this shit? Ladies and gentlemen, I brought together a collection of my favorite dirty fucking comedians from around the country. ‘Cause we’re bringing back the filth. Everybody’s gone clean. Fuck yourself, Seinfeld. Go fuck yourself. Your clean jokes. We ain’t clean. We don’t want clean. We want the filth. We want to bring the heat. I got a little something for everybody. If you’re familiar with my comedy, you know that one of my best good friends is my pal Billy Wayne. He was there when I was smoking weed with Jesus. He was there when I did lots of drugs and shit. We filmed it together, I helped him get a big girl one time, okay? It was his first time he ever fucked a big girl, changed his life. Changed his life, I told him. Man, a big girl will suck you dick and make a sandwich at the same time. That’ll change your life, God damn it, that’ll change your life. All the way from Crossville, Tennessee, home of Dicky Justice Motors, give it up for my pal, Mr. Billy Wayne Davis! Guys, keep it going for Ralphie May one more time. Keep it going for that vest one more time. Did you guys see that vest? That was the genocide of a species. He ordered a jacket, but they ran out of stuff. I like Portland. I like your motto. “Keep Portland weird.” Seems redundant. It’s like the post office advertising. It’s like, yeah, we know. I quit drinking about seven months ago. Oh, you guys knew me before? You should applaud. Good. I used to drink so much, I thought it’d be pretty handy to put a bottle opener on my keychain. That’s not handy at all. ‘Cause every time you really need it, you have to pull the car over, take the keys out… That’s how I got caught. It is. He didn’t even ask me for my license and registration, I just rolled down the window, he was like, Jesus Christ! Would you like to step out and do a field sobriety test? I was like, no, I would not like to do that. That’s not on the list of shit I like to do. I know where we’re going, yeah. I just want a buzz when we get there. Jail. We’re in the booking process, I get that question I’ve been dreading. He’s like, what’s your occupation, Mr. Davis? I was like, God damn it. I’m a standup comedian. He immediately covered his nametag. This other state patrolman walked by and he said, did you say you were a comedian? I was like, yes, sir. He was like, oh, shit, dude, show him your name. I’ve been waiting on this motherfucking day. I’m not making this up, this is a matter of public record. The Washington state patrolman that arrested me, a standup comedian, moved his hand to reveal his last name was Bacon. That’s destiny, you guys. I believe in fate now. You still have to go to jail, though. There’s no weird clause where, like, isn’t that funny? Get the fuck out of here. You have to check in jail, too. I was married at the time, the lady was like, would you like for us to call your wife? I was like, that’s cool. That reminds me, how long can I stay here? Will you guys keep me safe? I’ll join a gang, I don’t give a shit. Then you have to take off all your drunk clothes and they give you sober clothes. I mean everything. I’m standing there naked in front of a new dude I just met in a uniform. He’s getting impatient. He’s like, let’s go, hurry up. I was like, no. You can give me a minute. Up here, up here, you’re a professional. What are you gonna do? Take me to jail? He did. The next morning, you have to wake up and go directly to court in your sober clothes then they put shackles on your feet to remind you of all the good decisions you’ve been making. I learned through the shackle process I have giant man ankles, ’cause deputy mouth-breather that was putting ’em on kept going, God damn, man, you got big old man ankles. I can’t fit these sumbitches around, I gotta– Derr… Derr… Derr… I’m like, it’s bleeding, that means it’s on. And then they chain you to two dudes that were much more serious about being a criminal than I was. The dude I was chained to directly got arrested for armed robbery. He stabbed a dude and took $7. The dude he was chained to got arrested for breaking his parole for a homicide conviction by shooting another dude in the face, and I was the caboose. I was the bar car on that train. As we were walking in to the courtroom, my shackles fell off. You guys know what happens in a courtroom when your shackles fall off? Everyone that has a gun puts their hand on it. Then you pee a little bit. Not a lot, just a little. Like… If you’re me, you start talking for no God damn reason whatsoever. I was like, no, no, no, no– I’m drinky-drinky. That’s stabby, that’s shooty, I ain’t going anywhere. You took my car. I’m pretty sure my ankles are broken. Why don’t you put your bullet back in your pocket, Barney? I’m here to stay– You know what, mouth-breather? I got it this time, I’ll just– just take care of this. Been traveling a bunch. Recently got to go to Wichita, Kansas. Yeah, ’cause my career is taking the fuck off. Look at it go. Why is it stopping in Kansas? I don’t know if you’re– I didn’t know this. Evidently, Wichita, Kansas is where dumb goes to breed. I’m serious. You hit the city limits, there are dumb people behind a fence, just going, like, yeah, let’s make some of us! Yeah! Derr! Derr! Derr! I like it when their eyes are far apart. Derr! Be fruitful, go multiply. They sell knives at the airport in Wichita. I’ll say that again a different way. I don’t think everyone understood what I just said. They sell knives at the place you can’t have motherfucking knives. Then it hit me. That’s a brilliant business plan in Wichita. ‘Cause they get the dumb people walking in every day, like, fuck, I do need a knife. Here you go. Then they get to security, like, fuck! Here you go. They got me again, Darlene. Every god damn time we come here. Where’s my shoes? Then the knife guy goes to the security guy at the end of the day, he’s like, give me those knives back. I only bought six of them. I keep reselling them. I’m making a God damn fortune here. It’s pretty easy. You pick the ones, their eyes far apart? Bam, fish in a barrel right there. Just don’t stand right in front of ’em, they can’t see you, they can’t– You startle them, they’ll breed you, you don’t want that. I got a brand-new car I’ve been driving around. I got a 2008 Scion XB. Thank you, one person, that’s never fucking happened. That’s weird. It’s usually some douchebag in the back, like, you’re gay! Which is weird, ’cause when I was test-driving that car and the dealer asked “How do you feel?” I was like, I feel like I want to suck a dick. I never felt this way before. I think this car makes me gay. 35 a gallon? Fuck it, I’ll take it. A guy I travel with a lot, he weighs like 400 pounds. Wears a fur vest. Getting him in that car is kind of like putting biscuits back in the can. Everywhere I push, something else comes out, dude, I don’t know. Some people get mad about that joke, like, that’s fucked up! He’s your friend! I’m like, he fucking wrote it. He did. First time he got in the car, he’s like, God damn, man, it’s like putting biscuits back in the can. I was like, thank you very much, motherfucker. I’m Billy Wayne Davis, you guys are fantastic, man, thank you guys so much. * * * Hey, guys, we’re back here at the Ralphie May Filthy Animals show taping right now with some of the black folks I was talking about just to prove that there are black people here in Portland. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. But this soft brother’s wearing a sweater. Hello, Huxtable. Okay, all right. No, no, I just wanted y’all to show– I love when stereotypes just fucking happen, like, y’all wouldn’t have been in the back of the room if y’all had gotten here on time. I know, I know, you were late because you had to leave tip money, okay? Ahh! Come on! Stop. It must have been ’cause you was getting pretty or something like that or you had to change sweaters ’cause the Coogi sweater wasn’t working no more, all right. No? All right. Well, I love you guys, you can’t do nothing about it, baby. I’m so happy you’re here. And man– Baby girl, you like– You like funny women? You like, fucking wanna hear– You wanna hear some women? God damn right, I do, too. You guys want to hear one of the funniest women in America? You’re God damn right you do. Just to prove I don’t have the best tits on the stage tonight, give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for Miss Danielle Stewart! Oh, my God, you guys. I’m so sorry, I had to take my boyfriend’s car here tonight. What is up, Portland? I am so excited to be here. This is one of the best drinking cities in the country. Yeah! Unfortunately, I can’t drink anymore. I actually found out that I’m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink, my throat closes up around a penis, so. (ringing bell) I’m not married. I’m afraid of getting married, that’s the truth. I’m– I have so much respect for people who are married, God bless you, I am terrified. I am so afraid that if I get married, I’m not gonna be able to, like, have sex with other people, you know what I mean? And it’s interesting to me ’cause I never wanted to get married, even when I was a little girl, you know, my other friends would play with dolls and be like, oh, they’d tell me all about their wedding. It’s gonna be pink and purple. I’m gonna marry Kevin Bacon, you know. And I was like– I was way into Barbie dolls. I loved Barbie, ’cause I thought Barbie knew what was up, you know? She wasn’t married with children. She was single, she had a hot boyfriend, a house in Malibu and a bald pussy. I mean, that’s fucking– That’s what I want in life. Even her boyfriend Ken had a bald pussy, which was weird, I’ll give you that. That was weird. Ken and Barbie– Ken and Barbie had Brazilian waxes. And good ones, too, not a follicle in sight. And for those of you who don’t know, by the way, what a Brazilian wax is, it’s when a woman pays, like, I don’t know, $50 to have an Asian lady accost her with a hot popsicle stick dripping in molten lava. I don’t know how many ladies have gotten the Brazilian, but it’s quite an experience. I was really nervous the first time, you know, ’cause I had never had my genitals mutilated before. I’ll tell you something. Like, the place that does it calls itself a spa? Like, you’re supposed to come in, relax, it’s a spa. It is not a fucking spa, okay? It is a turn ’em and burn ’em business. And I don’t know what’s going on, but they are pissed in there. Like, I went in and I was like, hi, I have an appointment. She’s like, go to door four, take off your pants. Like, Jesus, this is like high school all over again. It’s horrible. And I go into this, like, tiny procedure room where they do it, it’s like a doctor’s office, kind of, like, and I– I’m wearing, like, a button down shirt and a vest and then just a vagina, like. And they have a full-length mirror there so you can look at the whole thing, you know, like, I can see this circus. I’m like, there’s nothing grosser, by the way, than a vagina and a vest. I’m like, I look like Donald Duck. This is awful. And I’m feeling very self conscious, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I’m supposed to act when she comes in there, you know what I mean, like a pro, like I’m just like, “Wassap!” You know what I mean? Or, like, being, like, all demure, like, I never do this. Like, I just– And I’m, like, spinning in my head about it and all of a sudden, this four-foot-eleven Korean woman like fucking busts in the door like she waxed a thousand pussies that day. And she had no time for my nervous bullshit. She was like– She didn’t ask my name or how I was, she just had, like, pubic hairs dripping from her brow and crazy eyes. She just started yelling at me. She’s like, get up on the table, spread your legs! I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, I’m terrified. Like, there is nothing more vulnerable than being in a tiny room with an angry Asian woman and no pants on or rape whistle. Like, I’m like, I am in this. Like, the train has left the station. Like, whatever is happening, I’m working out in therapy. I’m here. I laid out on the table, she slaps this burning hot wax on me, rips if off and as I am dying on the inside, she fucking shows me the strip. Like she was gonna read my pubic fortune or something. Instead, she mocked me. She goes… Oh… This is what your boyfriend see. Like, that’s so fucked up. I don’t have a boyfriend. This is… I was, like, traumatized. I’m like, what part of this procedure was invented by a Brazilian? Like, is there some Brazilian female prisoner of war? Who after months and months of being tortured by way of hot wax to the labia is one day, like, holy crap. This is actually lasting me like three fucking weeks. I mean, what the fuck? So I get off the table to leave, ’cause I think it’s over, right? I’m like, getting up the table to leave, she goes, “No, no, no, turn over, we do your butt.” Oh, I’m sorry. It sounded like you said “We do your butt.” She’s like “We do your butt!” I was like, listen, Yoko, okay? There seems to be some sort of a miscommunication here. See, I’m a woman, okay? I don’t have hair in my butt. My nipples, maybe, but not my fucking butt. That’s disgusting. But… Before I could get out of there, she was, like, all up in my business. She, like, slapped that wax on me, ripped it off, showed it to me… It was like a small furry animal. It was like– It was like anal road kill, like… I was so confused. Like, all of a sudden, my maternal instincts kicked in. Like, I didn’t know whether to vomit or fucking adopt it, you know what I mean? ‘Cause, like, I walked around most of my life thinking, like, I’m kind of a sexy lady. Turned out, I had a tail. I’m Danielle Stewart, you guys have been amazing, thank you so much! * * * Come on! What did I tell you, baby? Did I tell you? She’s hilarious. Her last Brazilian wax is where I got my jacket. It is soft, I ain’t mad at it, it’s soft. Man. God damn, she’s so funny. Man, fellas, how hot was that? Come on. Yeah, no shit. Usually, you think chick comic, you think me with a wig on. You know what I mean? You’re welcome, gentlemen. Her pants were as blue as my balls, trust me on that, I’m married. I’m married. I want to tell you about this next comic coming up. He’s gonna rock the mic for you. I’ve known him literally for 15 years. And he’s a dear, dear friend of mine, one of the funniest motherfuckers and I don’t know why TV hasn’t picked him up to put him on a sitcom or in movies, I’m telling you, this guy is on the cusp. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my friend and soon to be yours, Mr. Chuck Roy! How are you? Hello, Portland, Oregon, how are you? You sound beautiful, some of you look– I’m gonna high-five you, sir. You look terrified as hell. And then the little girl. Let me high-five, you, too. You look like a bear just walked out here. You got real nervous, like, is he gonna– I wanna high-five you for just one– I want to high-five the one fucking black guy. Oh, not you, dude, ugh. This is the one black guy in Portland, good to see you, my friend– Fucking-A. They had to fly you in, right? Come on, I’m not wrong. This is the whitest city ever. Four people clapping and the rest of you are going, like, is he talking about us? Yeah. I’m in a silly mood, I hope you are too. I’ll tell you how my day started. I live in Denver, Colorado and every day when I gotta fly and go do a gig like this, I like to hit my favorite little spot. There’s a little creek called the Cherry Creek, runs about a mile from my house and I like to wake up early and this morning, I woke up and when I got to the creek, all right, I just– Checking on the water and then I look down and I see a duck and then a duck and then a goose. Yeah. So I ran. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what else to do. Ever since I’ve been this tall, that is the rule. When you see a duck followed by a duck and then a goose, it is go time. There was a bike path and I was hauling up it and a lady coming at me, I tried to warn her, I’m like, lady, you can’t go that way. There’s a duck and a duck and a goose. She wanted nothing to do with my warning. Yeah. All day, like, the whole plane flight here, I’ve been like, what the fuck with that lady? Right? Like, I just tried to warn her. That’s all, you know– And then I figured it out. She’s coming the other way, so what she saw was goose, duck, duck. And that ain’t shit. That ain’t shit. She had every right to look at me like I was a weird fucking bear. I should take back all things I’ve thought at her. Soon. One day, I might, I’m gonna consider that. It’s fun to be here in Portland, Oregon. A very fun year for this bear. I’ve done a lot of this, traveling and joke-telling. They call that tour and I’ll tell you how that works. Every year, before I go to bed for hibernation, which is right– Yeah, right after Christmas and well before New Year’s, I call some friends and I say, hey, when I wake up this March, I’m gonna need some gigs. And this year, all the gigs have been in the south. Yeah. Augusta, Georgia and Savannah, Georgia and for a while I’ve been like, what the fuck did I do wrong? Like, did I fuck up? What happened? Why are all the gigs in the south? Savannah, Georgia was beautiful and I think my friends bring me to places like that ’cause I do things like google, like, where are we gonna have lunch in Savannah, Georgia? And if you do that, one quick google will yield a restaurants named Lady and Sons. Yeah, terrific restaurant, owned by a woman named Paula Deen, who– Yeah, googles rather differently today than she did at the start of the year. I guess she’s a bit of a racist is– That’s– Which, I guess I should have known, like, after having had food at her restaurant, there were some signs. The tablecloths and napkins all had eyeholes cut in them. The salt and pepper was on separate tables and I thought, that could be a mistake, right? That could be a mistake, that could be something– You ever, like, set up at work and do it wrong, right? But there was an auction for our waiter, and– Right? Who pays for the meal at the start? I’m sorry. Again, Portland, Oregon, you’re very cute and I love how offended you’re getting, but possibly– Get some black friends and then I’ll believe you on that. All the whitest people in the world going like, whoa! Are we allowed to talk about this? I am, I don’t know what your world is like. I don’t– Is your human resources officer here? I don’t know. That is not my world. I am my human resources officer and I said I can talk about Paula Deen being a bit of a racist, okay? I’d probably go back to her restaurant and eat again. I actually would. I have black friends who want to go with me. It is an all-you-can-eat buffet where everything is made in butter. Yes. That is God damn delicious, the first item in the buffet was butter wrapped in bacon and simmered in a butter cream sauce. Like, if you dipped that into hot butter, oh, my God, that was so delicious! There was butter in the salad bar. That’s how much butter was in the restaurant. Like, right next to the croutons, I was making my salad and then there were little pats of butter, and I was like, that is fucking going on my salad. Ah. Butter on a salad is delicious. Like, there’s a moment where you gotta decide, like, am I gonna spit out this wrapper or am I gonna swallow? Right? Those napkins let anything go through. So I swallowed. Yeah, which is weird for this bear. ‘Cause, like, it was noon and I hadn’t had whiskey. Right? Thanks for one-clapping that one. Obviously, that’s how hard I work to just get one applause once. No– Uh-uh. No, no. I am no pander bear. You just react the way you damn well want to. Fucking-A, Portland, I ain’t trying to impress you that much. All right? Get over yourselves, it’s– In the end, this is still Portland and I’ll be leaving. I’m sorry, too true? Could you turn down the truth in this mic? I’m sorry. The sound is terrific, but I’m telling Portland the truth. Right after Savannah, we went to Jacksonville, Florida, very fun and I’m saying that to be polite. Right, right? Like, we all know Florida, right? That’s the dick of our country. Hangs right off there, there’s Georgia. There’s Florida, Castro and Fidel, the Cubans are right down here, sometimes we hang a little flaccid on them, right? Like, hello, Fidel. Fuck you, Castro, right? Fuck them, they’re communists. Right, but on our map, Jacksonville is up here where the pubic hair meets the shaft. But it smells like the balls. Yeah, oh… But good fishing. Yeah, I love to do that, I love to go fishing and joke-telling, like Friday night joke-telling, Saturday morning, wake up, do some fishing, and in Jacksonville, terrific fishing. I have a friend there with a home right where the ocean meets the river. Caught two sharks. No big deal, one was like a one-foot sand shark, the other was a claims attorney. Good fella, loves my waiter. See, there you coming around. Now we’re somewhere. Now we’re somewhere. We’re gonna get there, Portland! Fun fishing. And like I said, a beautiful dock, right where the ocean meets the river, you gotta cross a half-mile of marsh. That’s a fancy home, you know, the big old dock and a homeowner’s association, with rules, like, if you’re gonna fish off of one of their docks, you gotta use a pole. Yeah, that jacked this bear up, you know? I’m pretty used to just swatting the fish out of the river with my paw. I’m like, Bear, you gotta use a pole, yeah. So a young fella helped us out with baiting our hook. We were using shrimp for bait and I had never done that before and so this young fellas just snapped the shrimp in half and then he goes, Bear. Top or bottom? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, top. And right away, he goes, bear, top gets the head. Yeah! Yeah, I was like, that has been the rule ever since. I’ve been a top. Are you stuck? Those are some of the gayest fishing jokes anybody has written this year. How the fuck are you not laughing at that? Rich enough to be in the balcony but not smart enough to get a fucking joke. That’s adorable. Get a pole, get a pole and catch my jokes. I’ll say hello to the other poor people in that balcony. All right, well, try to afford better seats. Okay. I like fishing and joke-telling. We played Charlotte, North Carolina. They’re real rich there, did you know that? They’re investment bankers. There’s a beautiful lake named Lake Norman. If you’ve ever heard of it, it’s ’cause Michael Jordan owns a home there. We fished right off of his dock and caught nothing but a glimpse at a lifestyle. They are real rich. It is, investment bankers living right next to people like Michael Jordan on the lake. And then there’s investment bankers and then NASCAR drivers. Yeah, it’s people living in an English Tudor next to people who need an English tutor. That is a tremendous juxtaposition of souls. Fun to be home– I’ll be home soon. This is the last night of a bit of a tour. I’ll get home and then Tuesday is date night. I think that’s cute. A lot of you seem to be on date night tonight, I see some of you coupled up and holding hands and comedy shows make for a good date night. Me, I work a separate schedule than the person I’m in a relationship with, and if any of you, that’s your life if you know– You know how important date night is then, like, if you work separate schedules, you gotta plan, you gotta be like, Tuesday, don’t plan shit. It is date night. We are going out. The only good date night I’ve been able to plan this year is I went to see that movie “Les Miserables” with my boyfriend. Yeah, turns out, that’s the only way you can say that sentence. Did you get that one? That kinda bear. I try to keep things romantic, you know. Before I left for this road trip and before I leave for every road trip, I leave my boyfriend the only kind of flowers you can give a man. Hops and barley. Yeah, I’m not wrong, right? Ladies, do you hear that? That’s joy coming from the people you’re with, the men in your life. They actually can reach joy. You bring home whiskey, they might be happy with you. Try bringing home those kinda flowers, whiskey or beer or– Bring home some weed, ladies, do that. Yeah. Maybe life with you wouldn’t be so fucking miserable. Oh! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t– That truth, it sounded perfect. I dig my boyfriend, he does well. He’ll pay for date night on Tuesday. It’s his idea, he made reservations. It’s ’cause he’s got his first real job, paying his first real salary, you know, and now he’s paying his first real taxes and now I know another gay Republican. Aw, come on. Shut up, Portland. Are you all upset about the gay Republicans? Are they– Are we fucking with your political agenda, Portland? All 26 of us? Is our vote really jacking up your politics? I’ll call them off, I’ll call them off. I’m on the phone list. Two of them work off, fuckin’ Morse code. I will– Hey, guys. Portland’s really jacked up, they’re mad about all 26 of us ruining their fucking day. Fucking liberals, man, that’s just how you are. You’re all like, open-minded, until someone thinks differently than you. So I happened to be off last night and it’s a Saturday night. We– My boyfriend and I took in my favorite show. It comes– It’s not on TV, it’s not on the Internet or anything. It’s just live there in Denver, right there on Tenth Street, we got a little show called “Saturday Night Meathead Fights.” Some of you know what I’m talking about. It goes on in almost any city in the world, right near where they got nightclubs, right, ladies? We all know what nightclubs are, right? They play that dance music and a lot of ladies love dance music. In fact, it makes your pussy wet, right? And it’s known many men love pussies when they’re wet. And so a lot of guys will pay for anything. Like, they will buy all the drinks they possibly can and they will go to those nightclubs, like, you know, they just put up a DJ Fuck-knocker on the ones and twos and charge a lot of money for vodka and energy drinks. And they, you know, the fellas go there all night and they try to– They meet you girls, they buy you drinks, and girls, what’s that trick you do, right? Right before last call, you’re like, “We should go before we have to fuck anybody!” Right? And then you’re like, fuck it, we’re outta here! Yeah, that’s a fun move. Smart, real clever. It just leaves the guys like a little fucking, like, what the fuck happened? I was gonna get laid! And the fellas, they leave the nightclubs, like, well after you do. They’re jacked up on vodka and energy drinks, they did drugs and they got no pussy to fuck. So that’s when they get into fights with each other. This last Saturday was possibly the best meathead fight I’ve ever heard in my life. It was Chad versus Chad. Oh, God, Chad was so mad at Chad, that’s– It just– I had my window open and all the sudden, out on the street, we heard, “Are you calling me a liar? I love you like a brother and you’re calling me a liar?” And to the window I go. ‘Cause that is a meathead audio goal. And there on the street lit by a streetlamp is a Francis Ford Coppola. He’s shooting a film adaptation of an S.E. Hinton novel called “Saturday Night Meathead Fights.” It’s Chad and he is very mad at Chad. The only way you can tell the difference is one had a little fauxhawk. And that was the one who was screaming. Five times he yelled at his buddy, five times, he’s like, “If I’m lying to you, then you can suck my dick!” Five times. That is a lot to yell. You yell that the second time if you think no one heard you. But when you yell it the fifth time, I think you’re saying, like, you can suck my dick… I… That’s where men are at in this country now. The fellas, they go to the gym, they work out, they have all those muscles and nobody’s sucking anybody’s dick. Which, I don’t know if you’ve been to a fraternity party, but those guys will blow anybody, right? They all have that hair gel. I play my favorite game. Just, who’s my porcupine? Who’s my porcupine? Oh, you are, Chad! And now you’re not mad. Do you like parades? Hey, enjoy the rest of the show, thanks for coming out, everybody! Ladies and gentlemen. What do you bring up last? What’s always last? The best. Well, that’s what we’ve got for you tonight. They are a set of twins from the Inland Empire, we call them the Smash Brothers! You guys doing good? – Holy shit, man. So far, we like Portland. It just looks so different on the show “Cops,” that’s all. – There’s more white people in real life, I can tell you that much. – Yeah. We’re gonna set some fucking rules right from jump here during our set, folks, ’cause when you mix up a bunch of races, you gotta have fucking rules. Otherwise the white people fuck something up in that situation. Jailhouse rules apply tonight, folks. He’s been in jail, he knows what the fuck’s about to happen. – And he’s white, good for you. – Yeah. – God’s white. – Yeah. – Good for you. – So if anything happens tonight, since jailhouse rules, if anything happens, a big fight, Pandemonium, melee, anything like that, pick a race, pick a wall and let’s fucking do this shit, that’s how it works. – You’re gonna know who the mixed races are, ’cause they’re gonna be in the middle of the theater looking for their fucking wall. – Hit those motherfuckers first. – We don’t make the rules, Jesus does. – Amen. – And if you’ve seen prison movies, you know, when there’s a big fight, Mexicans and the whites, we team up, blacks, you get the Asians. That’s just how it goes. – Sorry. – Where’s all the parents at? You got a bunch of parents in here? See, here’s the problem with you parents. Yeah. Here’s the problem with you motherfuckers, man. See, before 1985, if your kid talked back or looked like a fruit cup like your kids. – Right. – You could knock ’em the fuck out. – Fuck yeah– That’s the thing. There’s parents in this room right fucking now that are so fucking guilty of buying their fat little son skinny jeans. – Fat. – You have a fat fucking kid fucking walking around like a double scoop of fucking ice cream with shit blowing out. – And he’s probably white, named Skylar or some shit. – Yeah, yeah. – And if you named your kid Skylar, whether you’re male or female, punch yourself in the pussy, – ’cause that’s what you got. – Fucking-A. – ‘Cause your son’s a bitch and so are you, fuck you. – Yeah. – My name’s Skylar. – Oh, my kid’s sensitive, oh, he’s sensitive. No, your son’s a bitch, bitch, that’s what the fuck’s going on. – See, whether you’re in this room and you’re 65 or you’re 35, before 1985, if you ever talked back, you’d get knocked the fuck out. – That’s it. – And we had respect. See, but the problem is, these kids today don’t respect you parents, ’cause you’re giving them too much. You’re giving your eight-year-old a cell phone, so if you do hit ’em, now they can call the cops on your dumb ass. – If we dared to call the fucking cops in the ’80s, first of all, if you were successful on calling the fucking police, when they showed up, they would kick your fucking ass for wasting their fucking time. That’s just how it went. We didn’t have pagers. Fuck, we didn’t have cell phones. We had pay phones, but that shit cost change and who has change? – Right. – We didn’t have change. We had one phone and it was in the kitchen and it was a rotary phone. – Yeah. – And it took ten goddamn minutes to call anywhere. – Yeah. – Let’s say you got hit. Your mom’s in there making Kraft Macaroni & Cheese – with a wooden spoon. – Yeah. – And she heard you call your brother a cocksucker. She’d take that out of the hot, boiling cheese and crack you across the face with it– And you would say, “Thank you, ma’am, I appreciate that. – Yep. And you’d better hope to God she didn’t break that on your ass, ’cause she’s grabbing a metal one next and you better watch the fuck out then, Jack. – Now, listen, some of you guys ain’t laughing, you’re under 25 and you’re wearing skinny jeans like a bitch, – you know what I’m saying? – Yeah, yeah, you are. – And after the show, we’re gonna take pictures and if I see a grown man wearing fucking jeans tighter than his girlfriend, I’m gonna kick you in your pussy right the fuck out of this theater. – Bitch. – Yep. Yep, keep letting your kids stretch their ears out, parents. That’s fucking hilarious. Fucking funny. That way when your kid goes to jail, he can fit two more dicks in his ears, so that’ll be good. – See, you 25-year-old bitches don’t know what it was like to grow up in the fucking ’80s or before. Our Saturday mornings were the coolest fucking thing in the – whole God damn world. – Fucking-A. – You guys remember Saturday? – Oh. The ’80s were great. First of all, you got up early. Real fucking early, 5:30, 6:00 a.m. You cleaned your fucking room, you made your bed and you had to be very, very fucking quiet. – Quiet. – If you had a friend over and he was getting squirrelly, jumping around, you’re like, calm the fuck down, man! What the fuck’s wrong with you? Don’t think my dad won’t come in here and fuck you up, too. He doesn’t give a fuck. It was like, man, why do we always have to be quiet at your house all the time? It’s like, dude, my parents were up all night playing Uno doing cocaine last night, okay? – And everybody in the ’80s played Uno and did cocaine. – Right. I mean, it was in the rules under Milton Bradley. If you did a reverse card, you got a bump. – I swear to God. – That’s just how it works. – Swear to God. So we’d make our bed, we’d go out in the living room, Saturday morning, about 6:00 a.m., you turn on the TV and if you were lucky, it was the coolest show of all coolest shows and it was called “Fraggle Rock.” – Fucking-A. – Wait. Look at Skylar and Bryce. What the fuck is “Fraggle Rock”? Serious, it sounds gay. – What’s “Fraggle Rock”? – I don’t know. – It’s only the coolest show ever, motherfucker. – Yeah– Oh, that show was great. You know, there was all kinds of fucking badass shows in the ’80s, you know, you’re flipping through the channels, you’re like, oh, fuck, Bullwinkle’s on, this is great. – Fuck yeah. – You know, Bugs Bunny. There was cool shit. Little Rascals, things like that. Say you got a little baby boner that morning, you’re like, what the fuck is that little bitch Punky Brewster doing right now? What is she doing? I loved that little black bitch Cherie. – Where is she at, man? – Yeah, what’s she doing? So then you turned on the TV, you turned it low. You and your friend tiptoed into the kitchen, you made your favorite cereal. – Mm-hmm. – For us, it was Honey Smacks. – Right. – Fuck yeah. Now, our dad was a coke head. We didn’t have the good shit with the frog on the box. – Fuck no, no, no. – We had the fake shit with a bear wearing a blue sweater – on the box. – Fuck yeah. – And his name was Sugar Bear, motherfucker. – Yep, and they must have sprinkled cocaine on that cereal, ’cause I’d mow the yard, throw rocks, I’d do anything after eating that shit. – Fuck yeah. I heard if you crush up a bowl, you can do fucking yardwork – all day. – That’s what I heard. – All day. Now, you ate your cereal, you turned off the TV and you got – the fuck outside. – Yep. And we stayed outside all goddamned day, and if you were thirsty, you didn’t have Capri Suns. You didn’t have soda pop. – No. – You had one option and that was the hose, motherfuckers. – That’s it. Try giving your fat little kid the hose and see what the fuck he does. Oh, my God, are we broke? What’s going on? – Serious, there’s ants and dog shit on this. – Oh, God! – Our gardener drinks out of this hose. This is bullshit. Listen up, you fruitcups, you 25-year-old bitches. We had to drink out of the hose, man. And drinking out of the hose was a motherfucker. We had to turn it on and wait three minutes for the spiders, roly-polys and pincher bugs. – Yeah. – And it could be winter at midnight and that water – was hot as fuck. – Yeah. – Oh, and you’d pinch off the hose, there was all kinds of fun games. You let your brother or sister get a drink and then blow their God damn mouth wide open. Boom! – That shit was fun. – So then you drink out of the hose. You got on your– We had old-school scooters, not the ones with the little fucking wheels like that, we had big-ass wheels and we’d just be kicking it down the – fucking street… – Jumping off curbs and shit. – …just kicking that shit. – Oh, that– – Fuck– – Fuck yeah. – Ooh, yeah. – Fucking doing tricks and shit. – Fuck yeah. – Fuck yeah. – Say you crashed that fucking thing and you got a wound or something, blood, you were like, fuck you’d grab some mud, you’d sling that shit right on there. Not your fucking kids. They got Neosporin on their fucking keychain for Christ’s sake. Bunch of fucking pussies. And see, that’s the thing folks, you stayed out all day. You stayed out all fucking day and you only came home when the street lights came on or the fucking black kids were chasing – you and that’s it. – That’s it. Because we wanted to be outside, we wanted to be outside and do shit. Not your fucking pussy kids. Your kids are at home right now on the Internet playing Farmville with a 45-year-old man with his sweats around his ankles. – Yep, right now. – Yeah. – Yeah. – Check your Internet options, motherfuckers, go to cookies, you’re gonna be disgusted. – Fucking-A. – Oh, and there’s parents in this room. – I don’t like to hit my kids, you know, I was hit and that’s not right, I don’t like to hit my kids. Well, that’s fine, folks. That’s what pepper spray is for. Your kid wants to act like a fucking little animal? You fucking spray him down. Then you hand him a cell phone and go, go ahead and call the cops, you little fuck, call ’em right now. The cops show up, you’re like, he’s telling the cops, oh, he sprayed me with mace, you’re like, Officer, first of all, no I didn’t, he has allergies, that’s what’s wrong. – Skylar’s sensitive, officer, he’s sensitive. – Yeah. – He’s sensitive, him and his boyfriend Bryce are sensitive. – Right. He’s obviously ready to go to jail, Officer, he’s been in his room dancing around with his boxers on backwards to “Gangnam Style.” Take his ass in. And here’s the deal, parents, if you don’t want to hit your kids, that’s cool. We babysit for two bucks an hour and we’ll beat the fuck out of your kid. – ‘Cause I’m tired of repeating my order at Subway ’cause your kid’s a fucking retard. – Right. God damn right. – Now listen, folks, the last 30 minutes were crazy and if you didn’t laugh at any of this, you didn’t understand anything we said, you’re probably under 25, named Skylar and you wear skinny jeans and you’re a fucking cunt, so fuck yourself. – We’re the Smash Brothers! – Thank you! – Thank you! * * * The Smash Brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what do you think? What do you think? Oh, my God. What a fucking night of filthy, dirty comedy. We were so happy to come here and bring it to you, Portland. Yeah, I finally got something to work that I’m high and so I feel pretty good about it. No, but it is welcome to Portland, here’s a joint. I– I love it. I– I would be remiss in not bringing these men and women out for the ovation that they deserve and I think you appreciated ’em all, ’cause we sure as fuck did, we love ’em. Let’s bring it up for my best friend, Mr. Billy Wayne Davis, ladies and gentlemen. How about Miss Danielle Stewart, ladies and gentlemen? Come on, give it to Danielle. Where you at, you smoking hottie. Jesus Christ. My main man Chuck Roy! Yeah! Uncle Chuck. Uncle Chuck. Fuck yeah, baby. And loud, the guys I’m on tour with right now, the Smash Brothers! Love you boys. Hey, we are the Filthy Animals we love you the most. Thank you so much for coming out tonight! (cheering and applause)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Aziz Ansari: Right Now (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-right-now-transcript/

♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ Aziz Ansari’s Right Now! Aziz Ansari! ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪ ♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ Thought of you as everything I’ve had but couldn’t keep I’ve had but couldn’t keep Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you. Thanks. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. Take a seat. Take a seat. Thanks so much. Wow. What a nice welcome. Wow, wow, wow. Very excit… By the way, this guy’s with me. He’s, uh… he’s authorized. He’s not, like, a very audacious bootlegger who really doesn’t give a fuck. “You said no phones, but what about full-on cameras?” Uh… Yeah, we’re filming these shows, so, you know, you might be in the show, uh, when it’s on, whatever I put it on. You’ll be like, “Oh, shit. I was there!” But we’re filming a few shows, so if you’re, like, the shitty crowd, we won’t use any of the footage. Um… I’m psyched to be here. I-I’ve been on the road for a while. Um, I just got back to New York, uh, my home, uh, a few days ago, and, uh, yeah. I, uh… I was walking around the other day, and this guy, uh, came up to me on the street, and he was like, uh, “Hey, man. Love the Netflix show!” And I was like, “Oh, thanks so much.” He was like, “Yeah, yeah, I really liked the episode you did on Supreme!” I was like, “What? I didn’t do no episode on Supreme.” And then I quickly realized he’s talking about Hasan Minhaj. Patriot Act. Different show. Different guy. And he felt horrible, right? He immediately realized his mistake, and he was trying to buy it back. He was like, “Oh, no, no, Aziz, right?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Master of None!” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Parks and Rec.” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “Treat yo’ self.” “Yeah, yeah. That’s me.” “And, uh, you had that whole thing last year, sexual misconduct?” “No, no, no, no, no! That was Hasan.” You know, I… I haven’t said much about that whole thing, um, but I’ve talked about it on this tour, ’cause you’re here, and it means a lot to me. And I’m sure some of you are curious how I feel about that whole situation. And, uh, it’s a tricky thing for me to answer, ’cause I’ve felt so many things in the last year, so… There’s times I felt scared. There’s times I felt humiliated. There’s times I felt embarrassed. And ultimately, I just felt terrible that this person felt this way. And after a year or so, I just hope it was a step forward. It moved things forward for me and made me think about a lot. I hope I’ve become a better person. And I always think about a conversation I had with one of my friends where he was like, “You know what, man? That whole thing made me think about every date I’ve ever been on.” And I thought, “Wow. Well, that’s pretty incredible. It’s made not just me, but other people be more thoughtful, and that’s a good thing.” And that’s how I feel about it. And I know… this isn’t the most hilarious way to begin a comedy show. But it’s important to me that you know how I feel about that whole thing before we share this night together. Well, that was pretty intense. What else shall we talk about? America? Everyone’s very worried right now. A lot of people are bummed. People are like, “Oh, my God. Shit has hit the fan.” I’m not worried, though. You know why? ‘Cause… this is America, okay? Shit didn’t hit the fan, shit’s always been on the fan, okay? There’s never been a clean fan out there. There’s always been shit up there. Every generation of Americans has had their shit. And they’ve persevered, and we will as well, okay? And some of those generations have had even crazier shit than we do, right? Things like the Depression, Vietnam, the draft… Could you imagine if we had a draft? With today’s people? “Uh, I can’t go to war. I just started this company. We make eco-friendly shoes out of cashews. They’re called “Cashoes”. Just a few generations before, they’d give that guy a rifle, they’re like, “Go shoot some Asian people!” Now he’s at work like, “Uh, it’s not pronounced ‘pho’, Valerie, it’s ‘faa.'” His grandfather… But I promise you, we’re gonna be okay, ’cause despite how it may seem, we still have a capacity for listening, for understanding. I’ll give you an example, okay? There was a story I read. This girl goes to her high school prom. White girl. She wears an Asian garment. And there’s an Asian kid at the school and he’s offended. He actually did something really cool. He actually went up to her and they had a conversation. He explained his concerns about cultural appropriation. She assured him she was coming from a place of respect and admiration. And they both learned about each other’s perspectives. And it was a really… Just kidding. None of that shit happened. Oh! Why would that happen? No, he just Tweeted out her pictures and wrote, “My culture’s not your goddamn prom dress!” And this became global news! And there was articles, and comments, and tweets. And I read all of ’em. And my favorite thing is you go on these threads, and you’d see people arguing, trying to, like, out-woke each other. You know what I mean? Like, one person’d be like, “Oh, I can’t believe she’d just steal from Chinese culture like that.” Another guy’d be like, “Actually, the Chinese stole that from Malaysia.” And I was like, “Oh, shit! You just got out-woked! You thought your eyes were open. This other dude doesn’t even have a forehead. His eyeball just keeps going… just so he can see all the injustice.” Man, look, man. I saw the pictures. It didn’t seem like this person’s heart was in the wrong place. It’s not like she tweeted, “Hey, everybody, check out my ching-chong, bing-bong dress!” Well, that would be bad. Do I not have all the facts? Did she step out of the limo like… “Konichiwa, bitches! Where’s the prom?” All right, that’s problematic. Nowadays, man, sometimes even when the stuff is racist, I’m like, “Can we just talk about something else? I don’t think we’re gonna fix it at this brunch. I don’t think this is the crew that’s gonna crack the case.” Say what you will about racist people, but they’re usually very brief. Newly woke white people are exhausting! “Uh, what’s the statistic? Where’d you read the article?” Chin, chin, chin, chin, cha. “Aziz, have you seen this episode of The Simpsons? There’s an Indian character and dabu do dabee dabade dabado.” ♪ Think piece, stink piece I just read a think piece ♪ ♪ Now I’m gonna say what I read to you ♪ ♪ Here are the bullet points For this issue ♪ ♪ Badoo-badoo, badoo-badoo badoo-badoo, ba-doo-doo ♪ Oh, can you just call me Apu and leave me alone? Yeah! I’m aware. I’m aware, Candice. I saw it 30 years ago. It’s a white guy doing an Indian voice. I appreciate the support, but things don’t just become racist when white people figure it out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like those Simpsons people either. They’re running around, “Why did no one say anything 30 years ago? We’re winning awards and stuff, no one said anything.” ‘Cause Indian people could only say something, like, four years ago, okay? We’ve had a slow rise in the culture. You know who the first Indian person I saw on MTV was? Me! It’s taken a minute. All right, truth be told, it was that bass player in No Doubt, but, you know… He was in the background playing bass! He didn’t have a platform to speak on these things! Plus, we all know the dynamic in that band. “Uh, Gwen, there’s a couple of issues in the Indian-American community and…” ♪ Don’t speak! ♪ “Okay, shit, I’m sorry.” Interesting times for, uh, white people. Uh… I’ve been observing you. I see what’s going on. You’re trying really hard to be nice to minorities… in a way I’ve never seen before. Putting in the time, putting in the effort. Getting out there. Watching Crazy Rich Asians. White people went in droves. Very cool. Any white people here see Crazy Rich Asians? Raise your hands, everybody. Yeah? Yeah. You, man, in the front. You saw it? Yeah? It had, like, a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. You think it was that good, 97%? Eh, maybe a little less? What… what number would you give it? Eighty-five. Eighty-five? Wow! Twelve percent less. Anything in particular you didn’t like that made you dock it 12 points, man? Are you nervous right now? I’m just messing with you. It doesn’t matter what you think about the movie. It’s just fun to make white people feel bad. And… This is so adorable. Look how far we’ve come… …in just two generations, right? Like, your grandma doesn’t even call that movie “Crazy Rich Asians.” She calls it “that movie that has too many Orientals.” And now you’re sitting here like, “Uh, 85? Shit. I take it back, 97. What do I need to say to not get in trouble? Uh…” It’s coming from a good place, but some people are acting weird, man. I asked this one lady, I was like, “You see Crazy Rich Asians?” She was like, “Yeah!” I was like, “You like it?” She was like, “Uh, I actually didn’t see it, I’m sorry!” I’m like… “What are you lying for?! What did you think, I was gonna give you some cookies?” My favorite thing, though, one time I asked someone, I was like, uh, “You like Crazy Rich Asians?” They’re like, “You know what, Aziz? I’m gonna be honest with you. The first time I saw it, I didn’t really enjoy it. But then I watched it again with one of my Asian friends, and I saw how much it meant to her to see herself represented on the screen, and that made me really like the film.” And I said, “Oh, um, that doesn’t mean you like the movie, that’s just a weird, condescending, shitty thing to say.” Could you imagine if I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop… …and I was like, “I didn’t really like it, but then I watched it again with one of my chubby white friends… Really changed my perspective.” Oh. But, look, I’ll give credit where credit’s due. I’ve been around 36 years. I’ve never seen white people trying this hard be nice to minorities. I know there’s some people that are not trying at all, and some people going a bit aggressively the other direction… But overall, I’d say this edition of white people is trying the hardest. And I think it’s cool, and I appreciate it. But… sometimes I’m a little suspicious. Uh, minorities, you know what I’m talking about? Doesn’t it seem a little weird sometimes? Doesn’t it seem a little strange? Almost like some people are playing a game where they’re, like, tallying up points for doing nice stuff. Like, is there some sort of secret, progressive Candy Crush we don’t know about? Like, don’t you imagine some white people getting together in secret, like, “All right, let’s tally up our scores. What did everyone do for equality today?” Let’s hear it. Brian, tell us about your day.” “Well, I told one of my African-American friends I thought Black Panther should have won Best Picture. Then I tweeted out some support for this new documentary by a lesbian filmmaker. Then I Instagrammed a little love for Colin Kaepernick. Then I crossed the street when I saw a black guy. Shit! I need more points. I need more points. What can I do? Wrote a lengthy Instagram post calling myself out for white privilege based on something I did in 2015.” Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! “Tell him what he’s won, guys!” “Oh, Brian’s won a bunch of Instagram likes from other white people playing the same game!” And look, I know there’s some people sitting here like, “Come on, Aziz. What the hell? I’m white. I don’t do this shit, okay? I’m here, watching you, supporting minorities in the arts!” It’s a weird time to be working on jokes. Gotta be very careful about what you say, right? I’ve seen people in regular jobs getting in trouble these days, you know? I recently saw some people got in trouble for, uh, saying the word “niggardly.” Which, take it easy, has nothing to do with race. It just means cheap or stingy. You can look up the etymology, it’s a completely innocent word. And people are getting in trouble for it. Which is crazy. But… it seems like they could’ve just said cheap or stingy, right? I don’t know why they had to walk the plank on this one. “Mmm… I know what it sounds like. But I want to use my big word! What do you mean you’re getting a regular ticket? Let’s get a Fast Pass. Quit being so niggardly!” One of the guys that got in trouble, he’s a senator from Ohio, right? His name’s Sherrod Brown. They had a meeting about military spending. And he goes to the legislators, “You all, when it comes to spending on the weapons and the wars, you all want to spend very lavishly, but when the veterans come home, you start acting very niggardly.” They’re like, “Uh, what’d you say?” “I said, ‘You just start acting very niggardly.'” “Uh, just the last word again, Sherrod?” “I said, ‘Niggardly.'” “Get him out of here!” And he got in all this trouble. And then, they looked it up in the dictionary, and he was fine. But when I first read the article, I was really confused, ’cause I read his name as Sherrod Brown, and I was like, “Uh, seems like Sherrod Brown should be okay here, right? Am I missing something here, Sherrod Brown? Do I not have all the facts? Uh… Oh, he’s a white guy? Get him out of here!” No. It’s a completely innocent word. Nothing wrong with it. So, you know, white dude in the front, if you want to put it in rotation every now and then, go for it. Nothing wrong with it. I just explained to you, there’s nothing wrong with the word, right? Right? You got it. So, why don’t you just yell it into the microphone right now? Okay, here we go, let’s do it. Here we go. Let’s go. Here we go. Let’s go, let’s go. Here we go. He was about to do it! Can you believe it, guys? Come on, sir! That’s not cool. That was a test and you failed! You can’t just throw it around willy-nilly. Maybe if it comes up in your life organically, then you can consider throwing it in. I don’t know what the scenario is, maybe, uh… Maybe go out to dinner with your African-American boss, right? And… he grabs the bill, and then you look at the tip. You’re like, “Mm, I don’t know, sir, seems a bit niggardly.” Like, that… seems okay. Gotta be careful about what you say. And about what you said, right? ‘Cause they’ll dig up the old tweets. They’ll find the old clips. You know what’s strange about that whole thing, though? Is like… you ever just watch very popular mainstream stuff from not that long ago? Uh, there’s stuff in there, guys! I was watching The Hangover the other day. This is one of the biggest movies ever, right? It’s not that old. There’s a scene in that movie where Bradley Cooper goes, “Paging Dr. Faggot!” That’s in the movie! Did you guys write a letter? I didn’t write a letter. Not only is it in the movie, it’s in the trailer for the movie! You know why it was in the trailer? ‘Cause they did test readings, and whenever Bradley Cooper went, “Paging Dr. Faggot,” everyone went, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! This movie rules! I love that word!” You can watch stuff that’s not that old with 2019 eyes and things can seem weird now. Like… like, I was watching a… a rerun of The Office. What’s the biggest story? “Jim and Pam. Oh, I hope they get together!” You watch it now, though, it’s like, “Mmh, I don’t know. This lady’s engaged. He’s been hitting on her for, like, four seasons. I don’t know if this is cool in the workplace. If they rebooted The Office now, it’d end with Pam winning a landmark sexual harassment case. And then, in the series finale, you’d find out that’s what the documentary was, they were just gathering evidence against Jim! I was even watching my own show. I was watching a Parks and Rec rerun. I love Parks, love my Parks family. But I was watching some season’s rerun, and I was like, “Eee, I don’t know. Like, we had a whole scene in the show where my character Tom gets a gift for Rashida Jones’s character. Right? I get her a teddy bear. But the teddy bear has a nanny cam in it. Nuh… I feel like if I got script today, I’d be like, “Mmh, yeah, I’m not doing this one, guys. Pretty sure Tom would go to jail for that.” But back then, I was like, “Oh, I get it. Now I can see inside her house. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.” But that’s very interesting. What does that mean? Does that mean me and the people that made Parks are bad people? No. It was a different cultural context. You can’t judge everything by 2019 standards. Sure, some things, of course, but not everything. Yeah? I guess what I’m saying is, “Look, we’re all shitty people, okay? And we have our blind spots. And we become aware, and we slowly get better. We’re all on a journey. And if you’re sitting there, like, “I’m not shitty. I’m aware of all the marginalized groups.” You’re extra shitty, okay? ‘Cause you’re arrogant. Have some humility. Don’t you realize in 50 years we’re all gonna look back and feel like complete assholes? Like, isn’t that the dream, in a way? That 50 years from now, we look back, we can’t even justify ourselves to our grandkids. We’re just sitting there like, “Uh, yeah. I don’t know what the fuck was going on. Um… There was just homeless people everywhere and no-one gave a shit. Uh… You’d just kind of avoid eye contact, walk around ’em, hope it wasn’t one of the ones that’d chase you down. Every now and then they’d have cups out and you’d open up your wallet and be like, “Uh, sorry, all I got’s twenties.” And then you’d hop on one of those weird scooters and get the fuck out of there! It was a weird time, 2019. We put every single black guy in jail. Every single black guy was in jail, except for, like, Drake, LeVar Burton, and that little kid from Stranger Things. Besides them, we put every single black guy in jail for, like, a little bit of weed. And then we made weed legal and we just left ’em in there. I don’t know, it seems like we could have made a couple of calls. Cultural context, right, could change everything. Look at all this R. Kelly stuff. All this information was out there in the past, right? There was the Aaliyah thing, there were the tapes, and everyone just kind of looked the other way, right? But now, the culture has reached a breaking point. Now that there’s a bingeable six hour documentary, the culture’s like, “Hey, it’s one thing for all this information to be out there in a 20-page long read, but now that it’s been packaged in an entertaining fashion, no more!” I watched it. Intense. Just out of curiosity, you guys, clap if you’re done with R. Kelly. Clap if you’re done with R. Kelly. Yeah. Wow. A lot of people. Yeah. I mean, it was a very compelling piece. A lot of people putting out statements and stuff now. People that used to work with him. People like Lady Gaga, Chance the Rapper. You know who I haven’t seen a statement from? This guy right here. Nothing from you, sir! – Sir, what’s your name up here? – Dan. – Dan, what’s your last name? – Greenblatt. Dan Greenblatt. I’ve seen nothing from Dan Greenblatt. But why would I, Dan? There’s no documentation of your R. Kelly patronage, right? You’re very lucky in that regard. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? What if you were watching that documentary, right, and they’re like, “Oh, and then the tape comes out” At this point, you’ve got to know something’s not right. But people didn’t care. Here’s footage of Dan Greenblatt just one week after the tape was released. ♪ It’s a remix to ignition I got them fresh out of the kitchen ♪ ♪ I got the rollin’… ♪ Here’s footage of Dan just two weeks later, driving to work. ♪ I’m sippin’ on Coke and rum ♪ ♪ I’m like, “So, what? I’m drunk” It’s the rar, rar, rar, rar” ♪ You’re lucky they don’t have that footage, Dan. You know you got down to those tunes. Wouldn’t that be so awful?   +..0What if they had footage of you from, like, 18 years ago? Maybe, uh, you know, talking about going to an R. Kelly concert. Talking about how you had a great time and how it was so silly. Wouldn’t that be awful? You know who they do have footage of like that? Me! Yeah, it’s the end of my first stand-up special. I put it out myself. I had this whole bit at the end of my first stand-up special. I’m like, “I went to an R. Kelly concert. It was crazy!” I don’t do that shit now, but it’s still out there. And I’m watching this documentary, I’m terrified! I’m like, “Man, they’d better not pull up them clips! I’ve had a tricky year as it is.” ‘Cause… I listened to it the other day, guys, and the bit has not aged well. Like, all the wording I used is the worst possible wording. And I’m imagining Wendy Williams or whoever going to one of these clubs where I’m on stage like, “You know, guys, my favorite musician I’ve ever met is R. Kelly!” “His favorite musician he’s ever met… is R. Kelly. And it doesn’t end there. Let’s look at a clip from Aziz’s second stand-up special, which came out just two years later.” “You know, guys, in my last special, I talked about R. Kelly. And I figured I don’t need to do that this time, but here’s the problem, R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things! Amazing things!” You know what’s weird is I was watching that special, and there was a lot of jokes on there I’d forgotten. It was, like, ten years old, you know? There was bits, I was like, “Ooh, I don’t know if I’d say that today.” I felt bad. Then I was like, “Eh, that’s fine.” That’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? If you’re the same person you were ten years ago, you’re shitty! Like, you’re supposed to change. But there was jokes on there, like, I wouldn’t do that now, you know? Like, I had this old bit where I used to talk about my little cousin Harris, and, uh… Yeah, yeah, thank you, whatever. And, uh… I-I had this joke in there where I would talk about how he watched weird TV shows and how he’s a little chubby. I had one bit where I was like, “Know what? There’s not a lot of chubby Indian kids! It’s kind of a rarity. It’s kind of like seeing a shooting star, only it’s fat, brown, and on the ground.” It’s fine, whatever, but I feel like if I had thought of that joke today, I’d be like, “Uh, probably no reason to fat shame my little cousin on a global scale. Maybe I’ll tuck that one aside.” But back then, I was 25. I was like, “I’ve got to fill this hour, I don’t give a shit!” I just threw little Harris under the bus. Well, he is a little chubby, so, technically, I squeezed him in, right? He’s fine. He got internships and stuff ’cause of that bit. Yeah! People were like, “What? You’re that Harris?” And he’s not chubby no more. He’s like super buff. He goes to gym all the time. Probably ’cause he was scarred for life. “I’m not a shooting star! I’m not a shooting star!” I watched that, uh… I watched that Michael Jackson documentary. Ooh, I don’t know if you had a chance to see this one, but let’s just say hypothetically you did and you’re equally as convinced as you are about R. Kelly. Clap if you’re done with Michael Jackson. Clap if you’re done. What happened to all them R. Kelly claps? That was way less people. You guys are all collectively like, “Uh, I don’t know what to tell you, Aziz. The music’s way better. Sorry, I… I’ll take the hit on Kells, but Michael is a bridge I’m not willing to cross. I got a wedding next month, let’s be serious!” Dan, nothing from you? Dan’s like, “I heard it’s, like, two kids. I don’t give a shit. Sorry, Aziz, I’m going home, I’m listening to “Thriller,” I’m watching The Cosby Show and going to bed. Deal with it!” All right. But, Dan. Okay. Let’s say… let’s say another doc comes out. Now it’s worse. Now they’re saying it’s, like, a thousand kids. Now are you done with Michael Jackson? Yeah. See? Dan is a man of principle, okay? He was like, “Two kids are one thing, but I got to draw the line somewhere, and Dan’s gonna draw the line at a thousand kids!” Isn’t it weird we’re just watching this stuff as entertainment? Right? Isn’t that kind of strange? Your friends were like, “Oh, man. Have you seen that show where those two guys graphically describe being molested for four hours?” “No.” “You gotta watch it!” I don’t know what went down, but I will say that it did seem like something weird was happening and that Michael was kind of a sick guy. And I wish the people around him had done more to get him help. You know? Like… like, he would bring these kids on tour and stuff. I’ve been on tour. I know what it’s like. There are plenty of other people around. I got a tour manager, I got opening comedians, I got the venue staff. I feel like if I showed up on a Friday and I was like, “Hey, guys. This is Justin. He’s gonna be with me all week.” “Um… Aziz, Justin’s six.” “But he’s my friend.” “Um… Maybe you need some friends your own age.” “Uh, but I didn’t have a childhood. I’m Peter Pan.” “No, you might be a pedophile. Come on Justin. Let’s get you to your parents. Have a talk with your mom about her priorities.” Stand up for a second. I don’t know this kid. You could have played Justin. This is my friend Justin. He’s gonna be with me all week. Why the fuck are you sitting in the front row of this show? What was that, dad and two sons? Well, uh… you know… If that ends up in a special, mom is not gonna be pleased. “Way to go, Dad!” What is your name? I’m Tyler. – Tyler. And the other kid’s name? – I’m Dylan. Dylan. Tyler and Dylan. Okay. How old are you, Tyler? – Ten. – Ten? Oh, shit! Perfectly cast! Jesus. What’s your name, Dad? – Uh, Ben. – Ben, okay. You made an awkward decision bringing these kids. You know, the other thing that’s tricky about the Michael thing is I don’t know what to think ’cause I have the internet, and the internet can confirm anything you want to believe, right? You know, I can go on there, I can type “Michael Jackson guilty.” And I’ll be like, “What? Michael is a monster. I can’t believe he’d do that.” But then, I can go on there, I can go on YouTube and type “Michael Jackson innocent,” and be like, “What? Those kids set him up!” I don’t know what to believe, ’cause a YouTube video can convince you of anything! I watched a YouTube video once, I was like, “Whoa, am I in the Illuminati? Like… This is some compelling evidence they’ve put together.” I watched this video, it’s like, “Aziz Ansari: illuminati. Look at his name. How does he spell it? Two As. What do As have on the top of them? Triangles. Two triangles. What else does he have in his name? Two Is. A-Z-I-Z, A-N-S-A-R-I. Two Is, two triangles. What does he have in his head? Two eyes. Aziz Ansari: illuminati.” If Michael did do this stuff, it’s created, you know, a weird cultural conundrum for us. You know. ‘Cause, you know, music’s very visceral. It becomes a part of your life. You know, my first memory of music itself, is when I was probably not that much younger than Tyler. And I remember… …listening to a Michael Jackson cassette, to Thriller. That was my first memory of music ever. What’s your first memory of music ever, Tyler? Like, the first song you remember putting on and listening to, you remember? – Probably “Thriller”, actually. – Probably “Thriller”? Which song? – What do you mean? – Which song from Thriller? Oh, “Thriller”, the song “Thriller”? Oh, okay. But how do you erase that stuff from your life, Tyler? It becomes a part of you, right? You know what I always thought would be the craziest conundrum? What if in 1999, Osama bin Laden put out… an incredible jazz album? And people are like, “This is seminal work. This is Miles Coltrane bin Laden,” right? Then that day, you’re watching the news, and the anchor’s on there like, “Uh, it appears the perpetrator of the attacks was… jazz legend, Osama bin Laden? The saxophone player? Are we sure it’s the same guy? Oh, my God, we’re in complete shock here in the studio. Uh, right now we have the representative from his record label on the phone, this is Darren from Bop Boppity Bop Bop Records. Darren, what do you think about all this?” “I’m in… I’m in complete shock. I-I can’t believe it. I was with him a couple of weeks ago, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy.” “Really? A nice guy?” “Well, I mean, you know, he helped me move into my apartment. Uh… Used to always pick me up at the airport. Uh… Shit. I should probably tell the FBI about that. Uh… But I really can’t believe it.” “And what about the music, Darren?” “Well, you know, we just… recorded this Christmas album with Michael Bublé, and, uh… I got to be honest, it’s sick. But… we’re probably gonna have to shelve it.” “Probably will have to shelve it. I think this might be a question on a lot of jazz lovers’ minds today: Are we still going to be able to enjoy this music? Uh, let’s see what the viewers think. Let’s go to the phones. We have a gentleman calling from Brooklyn, New York. This is Dan Greenblatt. Dan, what do you think?” “Meh, it’s not like it was a thousand buildings.” Um… Oh. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to Michael, but… I think R. Kelly’s in a little bit of a pickle. Uh… it seems like he’s getting charged. All of the companies have abandoned him. RCA, Sony, all these places. You know, nowadays, you know, you have a big corporation, even one employee does something, the whole company’s under fire, right? You know, we saw this with this whole Pizza Hut thing, right? Guy orders a pepperoni pizza. He gets the pizza, the pepperonis are arranged to look like a swastika. But now some people online are saying it doesn’t look like a swastika. They’re saying it looks like a regular pizza. So the internet is split. I saw it. It kinda looked like a regular pizza to me. I don’t know. What do you guys think? Clap if you think it was a swastika. Clap if you think it looks like a swastika. Okay. A couple in the back. Now clap if you think it just looks like a regular pizza. Yeah. So, you, sir, right here… You… you think it looks like a regular pizza? Yeah? And what, you think this guy’s just lying to get attention or something like that? Yeah? And do you remember where you saw it? ‘Cause, uh, it was in New York Times and Washington Post, but Washington Post supposedly accidentally posted a digitally-altered photo. Do you remember where you saw it? – Washington Post. – You saw in Washington Post? Okay. Well, you know what’s interesting is, um… I just made all that up. None of that happened. I’m not trying to embarrass you, dude, but you and everyone that clapped earlier, you’re the fucking problem, okay? What are you doing? This is where we’re at now? You think your opinion’s so valuable you need to chime in on shit that doesn’t even exist? I mean, I do this every night. Every night, people clap. First, the first group claps. “Yeah, it’s a swastika. That’s what the country is. Trump probably put those pepperonis on there himself!” Then, the other crew claps. “No way. The country’s way too sensitive. PC police. Snowflakes!” And what these people don’t realize is despite believing completely different things, they’re actually the same person. ‘Cause they don’t really care about learning, and exploring, and discussing, they just want to chime in with their little programmed reactions. They already know what they think about everything. And the rest of you, the ones that didn’t clap, you’re not off the hook. I saw your faces. No one was sitting there like, “Oh, no. This poor guy. I hope that didn’t happen.” No, you were all sitting there with the same thought running through your head. “How did I miss this Pizza Hut thing? You see the…? You see it? I watch so much news. I’m watching CNN all goddamn day! I’m on my phone the rest of the time, I’ve had my shit locked up in this stupid pouch for an hour, and I’m already behind!” By the way, you had to be a little skeptical of this thing, ’cause, you know, if this happened, it wouldn’t have been a Pizza Hut, it would’ve happened at Papa John’s. Funny! Cool. Some lady just yelled, “Funny!” Unnecessary, but appreciated. This is why it’s cool to come to live stuff. You never know what’s gonna happen, right? “Funny!” That’s never happened ever in 18 years of doing comedy. So… Ooh! Let’s talk about Alzheimer‘s for a minute. My grandma has Alzheimer’s. I just saw her in India over the Christmas holiday. And, um, you know, I don’t know if you’ve got Alzheimer’s people in your life, but it’s a very sad disease. Uh, she has a caretaker now. This woman named Fatima. And, uh, Fatima kind of explained to me how you hang out with Alzheimer’s people, ’cause, you know, they have all these little tics and stuff you gotta account for. Like one thing my grandma would do is she would ask the same questions over and over, you know? Like, one thing she kept asking, she kept going, uh, “Is Aisha in there making samosas?” And Fatima would go, “Yep, she’s in there!” This was very strange to me ’cause Aisha’s her sister… that passed away. She’s definitely not in the kitchen making samosas. And I asked Fatima, like, “Why are you saying that? Why are you lying?” She goes, “Oh, sometimes it’s easier that way.” And I was like, “Oh. That seems kind of mean.” But I was there with my girlfriend, right, who’s a Caucasian woman. And every now and then, we’d be sitting around, and my grandma would just go, “Who’s this white lady?” I’d go, “It’s my girlfriend, Grandma.” “Does that mean it’s your wife?” “No, no, no. We’re just dating. Love each other very much, might get married in the future, but she’s very important to me, I wanted you to meet her.” “Oh, okay.” Blah, blah, blah. “Who’s this white lady?” “It’s my girlfriend, grandma.” “Is that your wife?” “No, no, We’re just dating, might get married. Love each other. She’s someone important. Wanted you to meet her.” “Okay.” Blah, blah. Who’s this white lady?” Um, “The British are back, Grandma. And… we’re gonna need to see your papers.” The saddest thing that happened was when my grandma goes, uh… At one point, she kept asking me to stay with her a little bit longer. She was like, “Why don’t you stay here a couple of nights, spend some time with your grandma?” I was like, “Oh, I can’t, Grandma. I’ve got to head back and get ready for my tour.” She was like, “Oh, okay. Hey, why don’t you stay here for a couple of days, spend some time with your grandma?” I was like, “I can’t, Grandma. I gotta fly back tomorrow and get ready for my tour.” “Oh, okay.” She kept asking me. I kept saying my thing. And it was killing me because… I knew it wasn’t true. I mean… I had a flight the next day, but I could’ve rearranged some things and stayed a little longer. But I’m not that good a person. I’m one afternoon good, I’m not two nights good. And, uh, she asked me again, and I was about to go into my spiel, and then Fatima just taps me on the shoulder, and she just goes, “Just tell her you’re staying.” And I was like, “Oh, man… I’m a bad grandson, but… you’re like a demon or something. I’m not doing that! That’s mean!” “Yeah, Grandma, I’ll be here all week! And guess who else is here? Aisha, bring out those samosas!” It’s hard seeing my grandma that way, though, ’cause I remember her when she was younger, you know? And that’s a scary thing when you get to the age I’m at. I’m 36 now, so, I’ve seen people get old. I see what old age can do to people. When you’re younger and you meet people that old, you only knew them in the deteriorated state, right? Like, if you ever met your great-grandma, the first time you met her, she was like, “Aah!” Uh, “Hi, Great-grandma Carol.” You didn’t know her when she was jumping rope or whatever. Like, you only knew her as this Star Wars villain-type person. But now, you see that change. It’s very scary. ‘Cause you realize that’s coming for us all, right? It’s coming for us. It’s coming for our parents. That’s when it gets scary, right? You start thinking about your folks. I’m very lucky, both of my parents are still alive and well, still have it all up here. And I completely take it for granted. I don’t call ’em enough. I don’t see ’em enough. You see your folks enough? How often you see them? What, two or three times a year? What have they got left? Maybe 20 years? That’s… 60 more times you get to see ’em. That’s it. Sixty more times. Sixty more hangs. Are you making the most of these hangs? Are you creating cherished memories? You know what? Everyone just close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes. Come on, man. Let’s close ’em. You’re the only one. Just think back to that last weekend you saw your parents, right? Think about everything you did. Hone in on your most cherished memory. And when you’ve got your memory, just raise your hand. There’s, like, five hands right now. You know why? ‘Cause we all had the same shitty weekend, okay? I know what you did, ’cause I did the same thing. You show up late on a Friday like, “All right, well, I better unpack my stuff and get to bed.” “All right, we’ll see you in the morning.” Day one done. Then, you wake up early the next day at like… 11:30. go in the kitchen, making coffee. “Oh, you guys got a new coffee machine.” “Yeah, we like it.” Conversation done. The rest of the day, everyone’s on their phones, computers, doing whatever they can to avoid eye contact or any kind of deep conversation. At a certain point, collective guilt sets in. The entire family convenes in the living room. No one knows what the fuck to say. Then, at some point, for some reason, you and your entire family watch the film Speed together. And then, it’s dinner time. One of your parents is like, “Hey, let’s go to any restaurant you like. You pick.” And you’re like, “I don’t live in this shitty town. You pick!” And they’re like, “Let’s go to that restaurant we like and don’t realize is actually a chain!” You show up, you order jalapeno poppers and the fried onion thing. You eat all the stuff, come home, you take the biggest shit you’ve had in months. Wake up the next morning, pack your stuff up, wheeling it out. Just as you’re leaving, one of your parents finally looks you in the eyes. And they’re like, uh, “Is your life okay?” And it never is. But you’re just like, “Yeah!” ‘Cause we’re completely incapable of having a real conversation with these people we’ve known our entire lives. We do this whole song and dance 59 more times… And then they’re dead. What if I ended the show right there? By the way, poor Tyler. None of this applies to you, dude. He’s sitting there like, “My dad’s gonna die in 20 years!” You’re all good, man. You’re with your dad right now. It’s all good. He’s gonna go home and just hug his mom, “Mom, the man said you’re gonna die in 20 years!” I’m not saying all this stuff to make us sad, okay? I’m saying it to hopefully inspire us to talk to these people, get to know ’em, right? ‘Cause when they pass, we’re the ones that tell their story, okay? You know, we’re their biographers. And I’m sure they’re way more interesting than we give ’em credit for. So, next time we’re home, I challenge us all, sit down with these people, talk to ’em. You know? Sit down with your mom and say, “You know what? Put away the phones and everything. I want to talk to you. I want to learn about your life. Tell me your story.” And she’ll be touched. You look her in the eye and you ask her stuff. You go big. Say, “So, Mom… You ever fuck a black guy? “Why would you ask me something like that?” “I’m just trying to learn about your life, I don’t know. I just want to know things.” “Well, that seems like a very strange place to start! “I don’t know. I’m trying.” All right, it was ’98, and the Bulls were in their prime. Um… Tyler, you can do that part if you want. Tyler, promise me you’ll do that. Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? Will you do it? Yes! Mmm… Uh… I, uh… I’m in a relationship right now. Yeah, a very wonderful woman. Uh, we’re an interracial couple. You know, most people don’t care about that. But, uh… some people don’t like it! We kind of get it on two fronts nowadays, you know? One front, we get kind of old-school, classic stuff, you know? Like, “Y’all don’t match!” And you also get kind of new school stuff, like, “Aziz, you’re in entertainment, you shouldn’t be dating outside your ethnicity, especially a white person, ’cause that propagates ideas of white beauty being put on a pedestal!” Which is just a fancy way of saying, “Y’all don’t match!” ‘Cause, look, man, I understand. I get the argument, okay? But I’ve dated Indian people. I’ve dated people of many ethnicities. But this is the person I have a deep connection with. That’s very hard to find. And I’m sorry we’re not the same skin tone. But I’m also kind of tired of people telling me what race person I’m allowed to date. This has happened my entire life, you know? Even when I was a little kid. I remember being in first grade, every single kid in the class was white, except for me and this little Asian girl. And even back then, people used to be like, “All right, Aziz! What’s going on with you and Christine Li, man? I see you two. What’s going on over there? Come on, man. You look weird. She looks weird… Let’s do this!” Then 20-odd years later, I get into show business, it’s the same thing, right? “All right, Aziz, you’re an Indian comedy actor… Mindy Kaling’s an Indian comedy actor. What’s going on-yam-yam-yam-yam?” Uh… You know, uh, my girlfriend, she’s Danish, so she doesn’t even understand some of the racism we deal with sometimes. ‘Cause, you know, they don’t have the same kind of racism in Denmark. Just culturally, it’s different, ’cause they don’t have any other races. Just Danish people, and the closest thing they’ve got to minorities is rye bread. So sometimes, I’ve got to explain stuff to her, you know? And, okay, I’m gonna do her voice for this next bit. This is not her voice, okay? Her… her accent’s a little tricky, ’cause she’s lived in a few different parts of the world, so, I’m just saying that ’cause I don’t want to do this voice and people be like, “Whoa, Aziz is dating some Mary Poppins-sounding motherfucker.” Anyway, she comes up to me one day, she goes, “Darling, I did something a bit naughty. Um, I went on some internet forums and I saw people have been posting paparazzi photos of us. And I’m just wondering, why do these people think that my name is Becky?” And I had to explain to her, “No one thinks your name’s Becky. That’s just internet slang making fun of white girls. Like the Beyoncé song, “Go call Becky with the good hair.” “Oh… so it’s kind of like a slur? Not that bad really, just calling me a different name.” And then she opened up her umbrella and flew into the sky. One time… we were walking around in New York, right? And we’re just holding hands, minding our business. Dude just points at us, and he goes, “Bet you get a lot of free taxi rides with that one!” Oh! Before I could even say anything, my girlfriend just goes, “Excuse me, sir. I pay for my fair share of the taxis, thank you very much!” And then just started strutting like she’d dominated the interaction. And… I didn’t even get a chance to get angry at this guy ’cause I was so confused. And I was eventually like, “Why did you say that?” She goes, “Well, this gentleman is clearly implying that I’m dating you for your wealth and that I am some kind of gold digger.” “That’s what you think just happened? No. He’s making fun of me ’cause I’m Indian. He’s saying that I drive a taxi.” “Hm, well, you don’t drive a taxi. Ha-ha!” “No, he knows that. He’s just saying that… a lot of times you get in a cab, it’s a brown guy. It’s a stereotype. It’s a job Indian people have a lot.” “Mmm, well, a lot of Indian people are doctors as well. He could’ve said, ‘Oh, bet you get a lot of free check-ups with that one.” Uh… “I guess technically, yes, but… why the fuck would he say that? That’s not… not really what he’s going for here, okay? He’s trying to be demeaning, okay? He’s not trying to make fun of me for potentially being a doctor. Uh… He’s just saying, often you get in a cab, it’s a brown guy and he’s Indian, okay?” “Hm, well, someone send him a memo, ’cause just ’cause someone’s brown doesn’t mean they’re Indian. They could also be Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and many other…” “Yeah, he knows all this! Goddammit, Becky, this is what racism is.” For birth control stuff, my girlfriend, uh, she has an IUD. Got some fans in the house! “Whoo, I have one in my pussy, as well!” Two people that are sitting pretty close together. There’s a little cluster. But, you know, my girlfriend has one, and she’s very surprised that more people in America don’t have the IUDs, ’cause they’re very popular in Europe. Here, not as much. Here, people are more into the pills. If you think about it, I get her confusion, ’cause the pills really are a crazy product, right? Pills are like you and your partner, Lisa and David, go to the doctor, you’re like, “Uh… Yes, um, we’re worried about pregnancy but we don’t want to use condoms. Is there anything we can do?” The doctor’s like, “Yes. I’ve got the perfect plan. Lisa, I’m gonna give you this pill. This pill, uh… this pill’s gonna fuck you up. It’s gonna put a bunch of hormones in your body, it’s gonna be weird, but I need you to take the pill every day at the same time, okay? Every day, same time. Don’t forget. You forget even once, you’ll get pregnant today, okay? Every day, same time. Don’t fuck this up, Lisa! All right, David, this is what you’re gonna have to do. Nothing. I got you, dog, just go ahead. Drop it in. Have a good time. I don’t even know why you came to the appointment. You’re adorable.” Now, the way the IUD thing works… The way the IUD thing works is there’s this little copper guy, and the doctor puts it in there very deep in a very painful procedure. And it’s got these strings on the outside so the doctor can take it out if you decide you want to have kids, or I guess after, like, seven years, it has to be replaced. And, uh, one time, we’re doing stuff, and I hit the string… with my penis. And… it hurt very badly. And, oh, man… It’s hard to go back in there with that same level of enthusiasm… after an attack. I’m trying to think of an analogy. It’s like… Uh, let’s say you’re eating a bag of chips, right? And… everything’s fine, right? You’re having the chips… “Meh, eh, eh, eh.” And then one time, you reach for a chip and… something bites your dick, right? And the next time you reach for the chips, you’re not gonna be like, “Eh…” You’re gonna be like, “Oh, hold on, don’t move the bag. I’m coming in. Don’t move the bag!” It’s different. So, this eventually becomes a problem, right? And… my girlfriend’s like, “We gotta do something. I don’t like this. Maybe I should go back on the pills.” “Hey, whatever you want to do is fine with me. It doesn’t really feel like my place to say, you know?” And she’s like, “Yeah, I know, but I don’t really like the pills.” I’m like, “Why not?” She goes, “Ah, you know. You get very cranky, very moody, irritable. But I guess I could do it.” And I was like, “What? These are the two options? Either I risk penal bruising, or you just resign yourself to becoming this shittier person? There’s got to be another way.” Sure enough… she goes to the doctor, finds out there’s this brand new male IUD… And I got one put in. And now we’re all good. Yeah. So, the way this thing works… There is no male IUD! Look how excited people got! This lady in the front just pulled out her phone, “I’m calling to make an appointment for my boyfriend. What time do you open? Uh, eight o’clock? Yeah, he’ll be there at 7:15. Let’s go ahead and put two of those guys in there in case one of them breaks down, and, uh… Please, tuck those strings in nicely, I don’t want anything poking my pussy. Uh, his name? Uh, it’s Dan Greenblatt. That’s right.” Oh… Dan, glad you came out tonight. I’m glad you all came out tonight. And… yeah. I really mean that. I really am very grateful you came, you know? ‘Cause, you know, I’ve done a lot of shows in my career. At the end of the shows, I’d always go, “Good night. Thank you very much!” But the truth is, I never really meant it. I was just saying that ’cause it’s what you say at the end of a show, right? I mean, sure, I was grateful. I’m not a dick. But… I wasn’t grateful enough. I didn’t really think about what it means that all you guys came out. But now, when I see you guys here, it hits me in a different way. I think about what it means that all you guys, you drove down here, you waited in line. And you did all of this stuff just to hear me talk into a microphone for, like, an hour or so. And it means the world to me, ’cause… I saw the world… where I don’t ever get to do this again. And… it almost felt like I’d died. In a way… I did. That old Aziz who said, “Oh, treat yo’ self,” whatever, he’s dead. But I’m glad… ’cause that guy… was always looking forward… to whatever was next. “Oh, am I gonna do another tour? Am I gonna do another season of the show?” Blah, blah, blah. I don’t think that way anymore. ‘Cause I’ve realized… it’s all ephemeral. All that stuff… it can just go away… like this… And all we really have… is the moment we’re in… and the people we’re with. Now, I talked about my grandma earlier, and it was sad. But what I didn’t tell you was the whole time when I was with her, she was smiling, she was laughing, she was there with me. She was present in a way no other people I’ve been around recently have been. I’ve tried to take that with me. And Granny, my grandma, doesn’t have much choice in this matter. But I do. And that’s how I choose to live, in the moment I’m in with the people I’m with. And right now, this is our moment, right? Me, you guys, Dan… Random lady that yelled, “Funny!” Young Tyler who’s scarred for life. It’s all of us. And this is our moment right now. So, you know what? Why don’t we all just take it in for just a second? An on that, I’ll say good night, and thank you very, very much. Thank you. ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪ Thank you very much, Brooklyn. I hope to see you again sometime. ♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪ ♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪ ♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪ Thought of you as everything ♪ I’ve had but couldn’t keep ♪ ♪ I’ve had but couldn’t keep ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ If I could make the world as pure ♪ ♪ And strange as what I see ♪ ♪ I’d put you in the mirror ♪ ♪ I put in front of me ♪ ♪ I put in front of me ♪ ♪ Skip a life completely ♪ ♪ Stuff it in a cup ♪ ♪ She said, “Money is like us in time ♪ ♪ It lies but can’t stand up” ♪ ♪ Down for you is up ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ ♪ Linger on ♪ ♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪ * * * FURTHER READING Kathryn VanArendonk, Aziz Ansari Reckons With Himself, Vulture, July 9, 2019

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Tom Segura Overdoses – This Is Not Happening [Transcript]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-overdoses-this-is-not-happening-transcript/

Episode aired 30 July 2013 This woman goes “Hey Tom, you are in the emergency room and you overdosed.” And they’re like “what did you take?” So, I write, ‘Heroine.’ And they go “Are you serious?” And, I write, “Jk.” [intense dubstep music] [Ari Shaffir] Welcome to ‘This Is Not Happening’ presents one crazy night. So, this is what we do. We’re a bunch of comedians. We tell stories about a similar subject. So, this is just one crazy night. – Give it up for my friend and yours Mr. Tom Segura everybody! Let him hear it! [cheering] Thanks, Ari Shaffir, everybody. Let him hear it. Ari Shaffir. [applause] Alright. Let’s go back to 1997. Holy shit. Fuck. That time flies. And, I’m a freshman in college. And, Thanksgiving. Remember Thanksgiving everybody? [laughter] That’s the first time that you go, usually, back home. That’s your first break in your freshman year. And, it’s a big deal, because it’s also like a mini class reunion, because it’s the first time you see everybody you used to go to school with everyday. You’re back. Your first few months. And, everybody’s recapping. And the big thing is the next day. The day after Thanksgiving. Everybody gets together and parties their fucking balls off while acting like they’re a new person. Right I start off, I find the guy, one of the guys that didn’t go to school, and he’s like “I’m the new drug supplier.” And, I’m like “I remember you from math.” [laughter] And uh, he asks me what I want and I’m like “What do you got?” And, he goes “I have ecstasy.” And, I go “Yeah!” “Everyone says that’s fun, let’s try it!” [laughter] And I start taking it, and, oh! I forgot to mention. Before I went to college, senior year, I got really into a drug that was making its way especially through the south, through Florida, called GHB. And, I’m sure, I don’t know if you know what it is, it’s gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid your body naturally produces it. Sometimes, there are some places where they regulate it as an anesthetic. But, basically, when you get it, somebody made it in a bathtub [laughter] and that’s the good stuff, alright? [laughter] And they sell it to you, and they get it in a water bottle. They also call it the date rape drug, I, no I didn’t do that. I gave it to myself all the time, [laughter] it does have an amazing effect on sex. on masturbating, let’s be honest. On masturbating Uh, I really had some crazy masturbation seminars. [laughter] As a senior, and then I passed out, and I’m like “Who jerked me off?” And then I’m like, “oh yeah, it was me” [laughter] So… anyways… Okay, so I get the ecstasy into my system and then, I take it, I’d never taken it, so as soon as I’d taken it, I go like “Hey, man… Fuckin’…I don’t feel anything.” He’s like, “You just took it man, like, give it a minute, alright?” “Alright.” So, I’m hanging out at this party, we’re at a party everyone’s together, and then we’re going to go to a bar and at the end of the house party on the way to the bar I go “Hey man, I don’t feel anything.” So he goes “Alright, when we get to the bar, come find me and I have GHB.” So I’m like “Okay.” So, I find him and he’s like “Alright, let’s go the car.” And that’s always the big move when you go to the car, you’re like ah, this is where dreams come true, in the car. [laughter] Drug dealers cars, where it all lives, so I’m expecting what I know, which is a water bottle, and then a dose is the cap. So all you do, is you pour the water into the cap, and you drink it like that, and it takes like ocean water, like sea water, right? salt water, and then, it’s immediate. GHB, if it’s good stuff, it’s like, we used to call it perma-grin. Cause you’d be like [inebriated sounds] And if someone’s like “Fuck you!” You’re like “[happy inebriated sounds]” [laughter] So, I’m like “Alright, where is it?” And he goes “It’s right there!” and he has a gallon jug. Right? And, I’m like “Wow, that’s not a water bottle” And he’s like “Yeah, I haven’t even put it into the water bottles yet. That’s the full thing.” And it’s a full gallon. Now if you think about a full gallon you know that A] the cap is much different, it’s flatter you’re not gonna, and it’s also heavier, so I don’t know how to pour it, so he’s like “Just take a shot!” And I’m like “Alright!” [laughter] So I put it up and then I go in my mind, oh shit, I have like nine shots in my mouth right now. [laughter] So, the options are: do I spit it back into [laughter] the main jug, which I feel like he’s gonna be not cool with that, you know? Being that he’s a drug dealer and all. [laughter] The other thing would be spit it out on the ground, and I don’t wanna be rude, right? So, I just go like [grunts] [laughter] And, I’m like “Holy fuckin’ shit, I have taken way too much GHB.” Now, I’m leaving out the point that you’re not supposed to mix GHB and alcohol. It is potentially fatal. You may have known this, if you didn’t, it can be. At this point, I am on 13 or 14 drinks [audience exclaims] and it’s liquor, you know, vodka drinks, and I’m just pounding ’em, I get the nine shots into me, and then I walk back into the bar, and I’m like “What’s up everybah?” Like, I’m fuckin’ [laughter]. They’re like “Where does all this personality come from?” “Ah, it’s just natural man.” And then, I sat down I remember sitting down and then a girlfriend came, and she sat on my lap and then lights out like I just don’t remember anything like I went to sleep. All I remember is that I wake up, and I’m looking at lights on a ceiling right? I’m just like “Oh, shit, is this heaven?” And, then I see a woman come in the frame, right? Because I’m laying on my back. I can’t talk. I can’t move my arms. And this woman goes, “Hey Tom, you are in the Emergency Room, and you overdosed on drugs and now you’re coming out of a coma.” And, I’m just like “[unintelligible sounds of affirmation]” [laughter] Like processing it, but the process literally was just eyes closed, like “Ah, shit” and my only thought was like “I hope nobody knows.” That’s the only thing I’m thinking. [laughter] I hope nobody knows. And then I open my eyes again and my parents come in the frame. And I’m like “Ah, everybody knows.” [laughter] And they look so, just like “We thought you were a good kid what the fuck?” So, I’d never been in trouble They won’t let your arm out cause I would pull out the tubes. I have a tube for breathing, I have another tube that’s pumping liquid charcoal into my stomach because that makes the chemicals of the drugs come together and then you also can’t digest it, so you vomit. Which is what they want you to do. So, as I’m like [embarrassed whimpers], I’m also like [retching sounds] and throwing up, right? [laughter] So, they give me a piece of paper and a pen, but I can’t really write normally, cause I’m strapped down, but I can kinda chicken scratch, and they’re like “What did you take?” Cause they’re tryna figure out they don’t even know what I took. So I write “Heroin.” And they go, “Are you serious?!” And I write, “Jk” [laughter] They’re not like “Good one!” They’re like “What the fuck, are you joking right now?” [raucous laughter] So then, the kid in me, I’m looking at my parents and I’m so worried about them. I write on the paper I go “Are you mad at me?” – [Audience Member] Awww. And my parents, at that moment my dad reads it and goes “No, buddy, just disappointed.” [laughter] Can you save that for when I’m breathing on my own? Like so, I’m in that emergency room, I get moved to critical then ICU, and in the ICU, a doctor comes in who I hadn’t seen yet. And, I’m later told this is the doctor, they tell me, this is the doctor that saved your life. So, I’m sitting there in the bed and he comes in, and he goes “Are you in a band?” [laughter] And I was like “What, man? What?” And he goes “Are you in a band?” And I was like “No, I’m not in a fuckin’ band.” And he goes, “Well you had enough in you to take down two drum players and a bass player man” [laughter] And, I’m like “You, now, with the fuckin’ jokes? Really?” [laughter] And he goes “What did you take?” And I go, I don’t know “I took a couple pills” I told him honestly, “I had some drinks and, I took, uh you know, some GHB probably enough for a whole lot of people [laughter] And he goes, “What about the heroine?” And I go “nah, I was just joking.” And he goes “No, you have heroine in your system.” And I was like “[laughs] really?” And he’s like “Yeah, you have heroine, you have cocaine you have PCP, you also have the same chemicals that are in um, cleaners, like some of the, like the super duty cleaners.” And I’m like “What the fuck, man?” And he goes “Where’d you get your GHB from?” And I go “one of my buddies from high school.” He’s like “yeah, he’s a good friend. He gave you some fuckin’ WD40 to put in your system.” So, I, you know, eventually get to breathe on my own and all this shit and then he comes back, and they’re like “You know, the doctor” the nurse tells me “the doctor that saved you wants to talk to you.” And, I’m like “Alright.” And, I ask him, “how did I survive?” And he was like, “honestly… cause you’re fat [laughter] like you’re pretty fat.” [laughter] I was like “What, man?” [laughter continues] And he goes “I mean, a smaller person would definitely, like a 120 pound person would die halfway through this. This is just one of the only times where it’s good to be fat, right now” and that’s yeah, that’s why I still haven’t lost the weight, you guys. [laughter, cheering] [upbeat electronic music] – The best part is when he called you fat. Tom Segura everybody, keep it going for Tom Segura. Hey everybody, I just took a break from flying through space to tell you to, uh, click the link over there so we get more YouTube hits. And, don’t forget to subscribe, so that next week when the story comes out, you’ll get that as well. Oh, there goes a celestial planet. Hi, planet. [staccato tones]

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Eddie Griffin: The Black Man’s Bible (1994) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-bible-negro-version-transcript/

HBO Comedy Half-Hour Episode aired 21 July 1994 They always make Jesus look like an old Hells Angel on heroin with dusty drawers on. Jesus was a black man. You don’t believe me? Read your Bible. It’ll tell you he had skin of bronze. That ain’t a black man, … my ass. Hair like sheep’s wool. If that ain’t a afro, my name ain’t Eddie motherfucking Griffin. Strong brother. Left the house when he was 13. That’s a bad motherfucker. It wasn’t that soft guy they had in the movies, marching around with that fucked-up music playing. ♪♪ Ohh oh oh ohh ♪♪ ♪♪ Ohh oh oh ohh ♪♪ I’m like, “is this the son of God, or are you getting ready to pick cotton?” Nam sayin’? Jesus left the house when he was 13. That’s a bad motherfucker. Went to his parents, “Look, I got to go.” They are like, “No baby.” “No, I got to go. I got people to save and water to walk on. See you!” Nam sayin’? He wasn’t walking around in no dusty drawers! Jesus was knocking motherfuckers out. Trust me when I tell you. You walk into a new town and tell somebody, “I’m God’s son.” What’s the first thing coming on your mind: “N i g g e r, you tripping. Get out of my face with that bullshit. I’m trying to sell these mushrooms here.” ‘Cause drugs ain’t that new. Jesus steps to him: “Look, imma give you one more chance. Stop what you doing because you’re about to ruin the style and the image that I’m used to.” Nam sayin’? Brother like, “yeah, right.” Jesus clocks him. “Byeah!” “Yes, lord! I see the light! A whole lot of them!” Jesus was so cold, he was at the last supper, godfather style. Strong brother don’t get loud. 12 motherfuckers eating his food– his homeys. Back then, they called them apostles. Homeys, partners, his n i g g e r s, his road dogs, eating up his shit. Jesus sitting there scoping them out: “I know one of you motherfuckers snitched on me… But I’m gonna let you slide… because it’s in my father’s plan. If it wasn’t, I’d be whopping your monkey ass.” Jesus was so cold, he was on the cross, still talking shit: “I’ll be back in a couple days. These little nails don’t mean shit.” They opened the tomb, Jesus was gone. John seen him walking down the street: “Jesus, that you?” “It ain’t Peter, motherfucker.” Nam sayin’? And that’s power, man, to be able to wake somebody from the dead. That’s power. Somebody break in Jesus’ mama house. Jesus be like, “go on upstairs, baby girl. No, no. You going upstairs, I got this”. “Come on out  behind that couch, n i g g a. Come on out from behind that couch. You can’t hide from me. This is Jesus. What the hell your problem, fool? You don’t break in mama house. That’s the virgin! There’s something wrong with you, boy. You got a problem. You got a problem.” “Yeah, I got a problem. Heh heh heh. I got a problem like a motherfucker, man. See, I ain’t got a lot of things. So sometimes I have to take them. I heard about you. You’re that brother they call Jesus. Be doing miracles and shit. Why don’t yo hook a n i g g e r up with a miracle?” “I’m going to hook your little ass up. First, I’ll teach you a lesson. Bam! Bam! Now, get on up.” If I had that power, I’d be killing motherfuckers all day long. “Don’t fuck with me no more! The line said 10 items or less!” Moses was another strong brother. I’m sorry. It wasn’t Charlton Heston. I’m sorry. We know Egypt is in Africa. I’m sorry! Moses had a big old nappy ‘fro and a nappy beard. Cold brother. Walked into the pharaoh by hisself. At the time, the pharaoh was the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Walked in with just a stick. It wasn’t that begging shit they had Charlton Heston doing it. “Would you please let ’em go?” This was a N i g g e r. He walked in, “look here, motherfucker. “I hate to he to put this stick on your ass. Stick a bad motherfucker. I got frogs, mosquitoes in here. I’ll whoop your ass!” You know the pharaoh must have been sitting down cracking up. “This N i g g e r done lost his mind. “N i g g e r, you been wandering around that desert too long. Your brain fried. I ain’t letting these slaves go. Who going to build my pyramid, fool? You ain’t the only one with a stick. That N i g g e r over there got a stick. He got a stick. Old N i g g e r, we’ll stick you like a king. Since you my half brother, I’ll let your ass slide because I know you’re deranged.” Moses wasn’t no fool. He seen all them guards. Moses like, “I’ll give you till tomorrow.” Next day, pharaoh sitting around, “shit, ah… Hey, where Moses at? “You get Moses up in here! “Hey, what up, Moses? “We going to let the slaves go hey, can you take these mosquitoes back?” And then Moses– “no. The stick put out. Don’t take back.” N0 “just get the fuck off! Hey, baby, you got any calamine lotion?” So Moses takes the slaves out to the red sea. Pharaoh changes his mind. You know why, because his wife was on his case. “You ain’t nothing but old soft-ass N i g g e r. “Going to let them slaves go. “N i g g e r, who going to crush my grapes, make my wine? That wasn’t nothing but one N i g g e r with a stick. Y’all had sticks! You needed to be wearing that little skirt you got on!” Pharaoh got to play like he still the man. “Baby, I’m setting them up. Get them all at the same place, and then I got them. You got any calamine lotion?” So the pharaoh gets out to the red sea, sticks the staff in the water. Shit don’t part immediately like it did in the movie. That N i g g e r got nervous for a minute. [Chanting] “Hey! Hey, god! “Hey, help a N i g g e r out! Got all the people here.” [Chanting] There’s one motherfucker standing off to […]? “Now what are we going to do, Moses? Done marched me out here. N i g g e r, I can’t swim.” “Now, either this water part, or I’m parting your ass.” When the water finally opened up, Moses wasn’t the first one through. He didn’t know how long that shit was going to stand up. Moses like, “go ahead, my people. Go ahead.” “Shit, it’s cool.” There was a couple motherfuckers at, “shit, might as well get catfish while we in here.” Nam sayin’? The dumbest motherfucker in the Bible to me had to be Lot’s wife, of Sodom and Gomorrah. This is the dumbest bitch ever. She make La Toya look like a genius. Nam sayin’? They lived in a town called Sodom. You know what Sodom is– ass fucking. A town full of ass fuckers. God up in heaven, “I’m tired of smelling the shit. “I’m burning this motherfucker up. There’s a lot of shit-packing going on.” He came down to lot and his wife, and this was in the days when God talked to you in stereo. It ain’t like today when you be praying and you hear something, “no, that’s my head fucking with me.” This is when it came in stereo! He said, “lot, I’m going to burn all this shit, “but you been on your knees regular. “You and your wife ain’t doing the freaky-freaky. “So I’m going to let you know, get the fuck out of town. “Take your wife. Just get on out and don’t look back.” Said it again! “Don’t look back!” Lot like, “cool. Shit. All right. Much love!” “Baby, come on. “Fuck that dress. Fuck them refrigerators.n “just get your shit. Come on. Let’s go! Don’t look back. I like the pussy. Come on.” They walking down. Lot’s stupid-ass wife– they get 5 miles outside of town, this bitch going to doubt God’s word. Bout.” “Baby, I like the pussy. Don’t turn around.” “I want to see n i g g a.” Lot didn’t even flinch. He’s like… “Kind of salty. Sure going to miss that pussy.” Then there was Adam and Eve. Mmm! You know, Adam must have been real fucked up, man, before god made Eve, because there’s no pussy. He walking around the garden butt naked, jacking off, naming shit. Madder than a motherfucker! “This shit ain’t right!” “Tree!” “Giraffe!” “Birds! “I’ll name y’al. Individually later. I’m tired.” Look at the professional jack-offs that know that thumb action. “Water come out this thing, but it won’t go down. Kind of tingle right there.” You know, god must have been up in heaven tripping. “Damn. What the hell did I forget? “I got the trees, the air, the water. “This N i g g e r keep holding his dick. “Something missing! “Goddamn, N i g g e r! What the hell did you forget? “Aw, damn! Oh, no! All right. All right. All right.” “Hey, Adam!”0 “Yeah?” “Got something for you.” “Is it going to make this go down?” “Oh, it’ll handle it. It’ll handle it. Going to cost you a rib.” “A rib?” “Go on and do what you got to do. Do what you got to do!” [Grunting] “shit. You didn’t say it was going to hurt.” “Now, roll over and see what you got.” “She’s got lumps on her chest.” “I’m going to call you Eve “yeah. “Oohh!t ahh!” [Sniffiog] “we ain’t going to do that yet. That smells like that thing I call fish.” “Hey, she got hair, but she ain’t got no thing.” “Oh, you like that? “Ahh! “Ughh! Ughh!” “It ain’t that bad.” “Yours go in, and mine’s come out. “Open your legs. Leave them open!” “Come here. Bend over.” “Ah-ha! Hi-yah!”  “Let me go!” And that’s how fucking was born.

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Whitney Cummings: Can I Touch It? (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-can-i-touch-it-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen… Whitney Cummings! This is awesome. I am shooting my fourth stand-up special this evening in my hometown, Washington DC. Thank you. Thank you so much. A lot’s happened since I made a stand-up special. A lot’s gone on in the past year. I don’t know if you noticed, but people started caring about sexual harassment all of a sudden. That came out of fucking nowhere. I feel like the sexual harassment news has finally been going on long enough to where my guy friends feel comfortable complaining about how hard it’s been for them. Anyone have any guy friends who are acting like they have no idea how to behave at the office? All of a sudden, my guy friends say, “What, so I can’t even hug a woman at work anymore?” You never could. It’s why we’re in this mess. No one wants to bump nipples with you at 9 a.m… by the Keurig machine. It’s weird. But as I say that, I want you guys to know, I get it. Of course you want to touch women. They’re so freaking cute. They’re impossible to resist. I relate to your frustration, because sometimes I will see a service dog at the airport. And it’s wearing a little vest. It says, “Dog working, do not pet.” Now I’m in a pickle. Because I’m going to pet that fucking dog. This is going down the easy way or the hard way. I mean, it’s a dog. It obviously wants it. I get your logic. And it is asking for it with that adorable little butt. I can see its butthole. If that’s not asking for it, I don’t know what is. But I don’t. I never pet a service dog. It’s that vest. You’re like, “Oh, God, that dog’s in the middle of something.” You respect that vest. I think that’s what we need to start doing at work. Women need to start wearing little vests to work. “Lady working. Do not hug. Shit to do.” I feel like we were all getting a little sloppy at the office. I used to work with this guy. Every day, he’d run past me, he’d put his hands in between my butt cheeks, like this, and he’d yell to the whole office. He’d go, “I’m swiping a credit card, I’m swiping a credit card.” I thought it was hilarious. I’d be like, “You’re declined. You’re declined. Your card did not go through. No, it didn’t.” That’s on me. That is on me. Um, that’s my bad. I’m not proud of that. But now credit card machines, they have a chip reader now. So you’d have to do that, and that is not okay. That is wrong. That’s wrong. I have a couple of guy friends who are trying so hard to not be creepy at work that they’re doing way creepier shit by accident. One of my guy friends tried to compliment a woman he works with and he called her “wife material.” He got in trouble and had no idea why. He said, “What do you mean? That’s not even sexual.” Calling a woman “wife material,” that’s like saying, “I could fuck you forever. So I’m going to make you sign a contract, so that, if you want to get away from me, you have to hire a lawyer.” Just think it through. Think it through. People really want to challenge me about all these women coming forward. Someone came up to me and was like, “Well, how do these women even remember what happened?” Like, “Oh, because we’re known for our amazing ability to forget shit. Uh, we’re known for just letting things go after a while. It’s our thing.” Maybe some people don’t understand that when you get harassed at a young age, you might not even put together that that’s what’s occurring until later in life when you’re an adult. That was one of my experiences. When I was 19 years old, I got a job as an extra in a television show. The first day I was there, the director, who was at least 65 years old, invited me into his trailer for lunch. So I go into his trailer. And I know what you’re thinking. “Why did you go into his trailer?” Because I was an idiot. I was 19 years old. No one had told me trailers were bad. There was a lot of shit I didn’t know. I also thought clear bra straps were clear. Um… I also thought that lady living with my aunt was her “roommate.” I also thought guys could be “allergic to latex.” There was a lot of shit… …I hadn’t figured out yet. Don’t blame me. So of course I go into his trailer. Out of nowhere, he just lunges at me. I didn’t understand what was happening because he was so much older than me. I thought he fell. I was like, “Are you okay? Oh, my God. Are you passing away? What’s happening?” No idea what to do with that story. I don’t remember the guy’s name, but the good news is I did accidentally stumble upon a great way to deal with harassment at work from a creepy guy. Just pretend you think he’s having a medical emergency. Next time a guy’s like, “Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?” just go, “Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance! Gary thinks he’s in my league! I don’t know if it’s, like, dementia or maybe it’s a stroke. Gary thinks I would fuck him. We’ve got to call an ambulance! This is bad.” Don’t get angry. Just get very compassionate. That’s my new approach. I don’t even get angry at cat-callers anymore. My new thing with cat-callers is just do what they ask. Because then they’ll realize it’s not at all what they want. Next time a guy’s like, “Hey, baby, smile,” just be like… People really want to argue with me about this stuff. I had a guy come at me and he was like, “You know, what if women start taking advantage?” We got it. We’ll handle it when that happens. I love that you guys think that we have no idea that some women are batshit crazy. We know. Okay? We know way more shit than you know. We see the text messages she didn’t send to you. We know. We see the ones that are too crazy to even get to your phone… because we’re the ones that put a stop to that shit. We’re the ones like, “No, you’re not going to kidnap his mom. Delete it, delete it. Give me the phone. Give it to me. Put the phone down. That’s too many bubbles. He hasn’t responded in five days. Give me the phone. You’re not sending that. You’re not going to send an Adele song with six eggplant emojis. Give it to me. Log out now.” We know. You guys just don’t know that we know because we’re in this climate where everyone’s walking on eggshells and no one’s allowed to say anything negative about a woman or people freak out. That’s not healthy. We have to get back to a place where we can call out women if they’re acting like silly gooses. And there are some silly gooses out there. Does anyone have any girl friends that think they’re “feminists,” but they’re actually just “assholes”? Someone’s got to say it. But I also think we have to be patient with women right now. You’ve got to understand, this came out of nowhere. For thousands of years, nobody cared about our feelings, nobody cared about our opinions. Then a year ago, everyone was like, “What do you think?” It was like… “What the fuck? I’m sorry, can you just give us one second? We were not at all prepared for that question. It’s just no one has ever asked us that before. Can you just give us a minute? We were just taking a selfie with dog ears. Just give us one second. We’re going to regroup and come right back to you with an answer. Bitches, huddle up right now. Um, they give a shit about us all of a sudden and we have absolutely no practice being listened to, so we need to level the fuck up right now. Some things need to change around here. First of all, the ‘ros all day’ shirts have to go. Just for a couple of years till we get out of the woods on this. ‘Namastay in bed, ‘ it’s not a sophisticated argument. No more sassy shirts for a while. You stop saying, ‘totes.’ You’re 40. Um… We might have to stop calling each other hookers and whores for a while.” – Does anyone have that girl friend? – “Hey, hooker.” I actually think we need to steal from what guys do with their nicknames, because guys build each other up with their nicknames, right? “What up, champ?” “What up, chief?” “What up, boss?” Guys give each other promotions in their nicknames. I make television shows. I have an intern. He’s 20 years old. People walk in, they’re like, “What up, boss?” I’m like, “What? No, I’m your boss. I’m your boss. That’s nobody’s boss. That’s my friend’s nephew who was too stupid to get a job, so I had to give him an internship… because he got a two on his SATs… …so that’s nobody’s boss. Okay? Best case scenario, he will be a hooker. So let’s just get this… I’m your boss.” I don’t like any nicknames my girl friends give me. They’ll be like, “Hey, honey. Hey, cupcake.” I’m like, “What are you doing? You don’t like it when guys call you that.” Let’s just all stop calling women desserts for a while. If you must call a woman a dessert, at least pick a cool dessert, you know. Like bear claw. “What up, bear claw?” That’s fine. Mousse. “Mousse!” “Alright, get back in the huddle. There’s more shit to do. Okay, I think, for a while, we need to stop yelling at guys when they drive by in a sports car.” Does anyone have that girl friend? When a guy drives by in a sports car, they go, “Sorry about your dick.” How is that helping? You’re making us look like hypocrites, right? Because, if the roles were reversed in that scenario, it would be so messed up, right? If a woman drove by in a sports car and a guy was like, “Sorry about your giant pussy!” Not a good look. “What else? We’ve got to watch what we prioritize on social media. We’ve got to watch the causes we prioritize on social media. Free The Nipple? Not this month. Next month.” Unless you’re breastfeeding, in which case you can do whatever the hell you want with your nipple as far as I am concerned. If your nipple has proven to be of use to society, you may free it. But I think we can all agree, a breastfeeding nipple is not free. That nipple is working. We need to get it a little vest. Like a little, tiny… Like a… Like a baby vest. I think the biggest thing I want to work on with my girl friends is telling the difference between empowerment and entitlement. It’s a fine line. Very easy to confuse those two. Like I have this one girl friend, she thinks she’s very empowered, but she’s actually just entitled and it comes out in the way that she complains that no man is good enough for her, even though all she does is talk about astrology and go to music festivals. She has no concept of what she deserves. Like, she will go to a music festival for five days and do drugs the entire time, and then she’ll come back and she’ll be like, “I told you, there’s just no good men out there.” No, there are good men out there. They’re just at home with their good women. You’re never going to meet them, because they’re not at Burning Man watching you puke on your slutty Native American Indian costume. We get in fights because she generalizes a lot about, like, all men and all women. I know it’s weird that I’m criticizing that, because generalizing about men and women did pay for my house, but… I’m evolving and I now find that really frustrating to engage with. I had a guy come at me on social media. He said, “Well, all women are just liars.” All women? Okay, let’s say some of these women are liars. Just for a thought experiment. You have to admit the reaction of men lying and women lying in our culture is very different. You’ve seen the movie Catch Me If You Can. Great movie. It’s about a con artist. He pretends to be a doctor, pretends to be a pilot. So if you’re a woman and you lie, you’re a monster. If you’re a man and you lie, you get a movie made about you starring Leonardo DiCaprio. What do we get? We got fucking I, Tonya. That’s what we got. You have to be in a leotard for anyone to give a shit. I also did research on the guy that movie is based on. He now works at the FBI. They pay him millions of dollars to consult on other con artists. So if you’re a man and you lie, that’s like a hireable skill. People don’t like when women lie. They get very uncomfortable when women lie. That’s my theory about why there’s no female magicians. Never thought about that shit before? Because when men lie, we’re like, “Whoa, magic!” If there was a female magician, after every trick, everyone in the audience would be like, “I fucking knew it. What did I tell you? I told you, you cannot trust these bitches. Sneaky bitches.” The other generalization I keep hearing is, “Well, all these women are just gold-diggers.” Like, okay, fine. Let’s say… Let’s say some of these women are gold-diggers. You guys have to admit that you guys were afraid of gold-diggers way before this even happened. It’s hard for us to hear you guys complain about gold-diggers. Because when you guys complain about gold-diggers to us, it kind of just sounds like you’re bragging. We’re like, “Alright, well, a lot of the reason you have all that gold is because you have the advantage of being a guy.” Especially in the goods and services industry, a lot of the reason you have that money is because we buy a bunch of shit we don’t fucking need. So if I’m dating the head of Sephora and I gold-dig him, I’m not using him for his money. I’m using him for my money. That is my money. I’m just trying to get that shit back. Um… “I feel like you gold-digged me first. Bronzer should not be $90.” When guys complain about gold-diggers, it’s tricky, because, to us, the solution is so obvious. If you’re worried about gold-diggers, I have an idea. How about just date women with their own fucking gold? I don’t know, maybe stop dating 18-year-olds that need a Kickstarter campaign just to eat dinner. Maybe just date adults with jobs. I don’t know. I don’t know. No, no, no. Also, it’s very ironic to me when guys complain about gold-diggers, because you know you were the original gold-diggers, right? You know your great-great-grandfathers got a bunch of shovels and started digging up actual gold… before women were allowed to leave the house. I would love to dig for gold the old-fashioned way and get, like, a pickax and, like, a salad strainer and go get my own gold, but you guys took it all and you refused to share, so… now we’re going to have to do this the hard way… and be in a bad relationship for two years and hope that you cheat on me. And I feel like I can say that, because I have had a guy use me for my gold before and I’ve noticed, when you hear the word “gold-digger,” you think of a woman right away. Men use women for their money, too. They’re not called “gold-diggers.” They’re called, like, “backup dancers.” They have, like, a… They have, like, a jaunty name. It’s hard to talk about this stuff without sounding self-righteous. That’s my nightmare. I’m trying to not sound self-righteous about all this, because it’s my pet peeve when people are self-righteous in conversations. And I try to remember though that when someone’s self-righteous, it usually just means they care so much about something that they become an asshole. Right? I do it. I’m guilty. I am guilty. I am very into animal advocacy. And… Oh, thank you. Oh, that’s very nice. I don’t have kids. What else am I going to do? There are times when I am so passionate about protecting an innocent animal that I will be a jerk to a human. It happens… kind of a lot. And… recently, I saw a stray dog at this huge intersection in Los Angeles and nobody was stopping. Nobody was stopping, so I pull over and I can see – that it’s a little, tiny puppy. – Aww! I know! And I could tell it was in really bad shape, okay? So I get out of my car and this guy yells at me. He’s like, “You dumb bitch!” and I was like, “Fuck you!” So I’m screaming at all these people. I finally get, like, 12 lanes to stop and I get closer to this puppy and I get closer and closer to this little, tiny puppy and I see that this little, tiny puppy is a trash bag. But I had already been such an asshole… that there was really no turning back at this point, so I just had to… Just had to lean in. And that’s how I got tetanus. I am realizing that the guy friends of mine that are the most self-righteous I actually think might be the ones that have done nothing wrong. They assume these women must be exaggerating, because they themselves would never behave the way they’re seeing in the news stories. Like you would never pull your dick out at work, sir. Of course not. Of course not. It would be ridiculous. Woo! It would be crazy for you to do that. That would be an insane thing to do. But… you have that one friend you can totally see doing that shit. What’s his name? – Jeffrey. – Jeffrey. Anyone that goes by Jeffrey instead of Jeff is a fucking asshole. He likes to waste people’s time with his full name. Jeffrey. That’s who we’re talking about, right? I try to remind my guy friends, we’re not attacking you. We’re just… You have to remember that the world is a little more dangerous for us because of the Jeffreys of the world. Like, you know we have to take a class to learn how to go outside, right? Has anyone ever taken a self-defense class before? Okay. Yeah. That’s a lot. Wow, okay. Like, 25 women. The rest are dead. Okay. I took a self-defense class in my 20s and I think we could maybe update the tactics a little bit. I remember, the tactics she told me, I physically can’t even execute. She was like, “If your attacker gets you on the ground, gouge his eyes out.” What the fuck? I can’t even open a package from Amazon… without getting a paper cut. I can hardly get a straw in a Capri Sun, so… I’m not sure this tactic is for me. None of it was pragmatic. She said to us, “Never get in an elevator with a man.” “Bitch, have you ever had a job? Have you ever seen an office building before? It’s basically a bunch of elevators full of men.” If I didn’t get in an elevator every time a man was in it, I’d constantly look like I was trying to get into a double Dutch game. “It’s fine. Just go. You go. Okay, I’ll just quit. No.” We have to be able to get into elevators with men. We have jobs now. But I know that’s a very sketchy thing to do and I know it could be dangerous, so now, when I get in an elevator with a man, I just try to make myself as unattractive as possible. So I just hit all the buttons… so that we’re instantly in a long-term relationship and he’s completely disgusted by me. I’m like, “You want me, you’ve got me… for 36 more floors and I want to talk about The Bachelor.” – Huh. – Woo! I used to carry Mace. I don’t carry Mace anymore, because I find the packaging way too patronizing. When you try to buy Mace as a woman, they sell you Mace in a pink bottle. I’m trying to look scary. I’m trying to look menacing. Don’t give me something that looks like a toy out of Dora the Explorer’s backpack. “Mm, Swiper, no swiping. Mm, don’t even think about it. Meh!” Not really the vibe I’m going for. A lot of my girl friends talk about how, when they walk to their car, they put a key in between their fingers. Yeah, but they don’t even make metal car keys anymore. The new car keys are those little plastic remotes, so that’s a conspiracy. Think about that shit for a minute. The one weapon we have has been taken from us. So now I’ve got to use my mailbox key… like an asshole. A little shitty Wolverine. Could you come forward a fucking inch? A little shitty Wolverine. I’m just kind of tickling my attacker at this point. Just kind of delicately caressing him. It’s kind of bringing him to climax at this point. You look like a villain in an ’80s movie, just FYI. It’s no joke out there. It’s no… I have a girl friend, she carries a Taser with her. But Google, “Taser for women.” It’s even more insulting. They try to sell you a Taser that looks like a tube of lipstick. It’s disguised as a tube of lipstick. You’re supposed to fool your attacker. The only person that’s going to fool is fucking me. I’m not falling for that racket. I argue, the best weapon against an attacker, not lipstick Taser, not Taser, just regular lipstick. Red lipstick. Put it in your back pocket. Any time a guy’s hovering, creeping around, just take it out and start putting it on. Just be like… “Is that what you want? Ah-ahh! You wanna fuck this clown?” Sometimes you’ve just got to out-weird your attacker. You’ve just got to make it not worth it to them. You know, he’s going to be like, “Uh… You’re good. You’re good. You run along. You have a good night. Leave it. She’s one of us. Leave it.” I think you guys just might not know how dangerous the world is for us. You guys just don’t have the same experience out in the world. Your biggest fear when you walk to your car tonight, sir, is there’s going to be a ticket. That’s scary shit. Our biggest fear when we walk to our car is there’s going to be a dick… attached to a criminal… named Jeffrey… …waiting for us. You guys are cool, you’re not getting defensive. Sometimes guys get defensive and that’s never good. I had a guy come up to me after a show recently and he was like, “Hey, this isn’t really very fair. We offer to walk you gals to your cars all the time.” I was like, “Yeah, you do. Why? So you can try and fuck us. That’s why.” Those are our options. Get murdered by a stranger or dry humped by my “chaperone”… against my car that I pay for. Cool. Not really chivalry if we owe you at the end. It’s hard to talk about this stuff without coming off too angry. I don’t want to come off angry or anti-man. I am not. I’m engaged to a man. I’m going to marry a man. I mean… we’ll see. I love him very much, but when we talk about this stuff, sometimes the conversations get awkward because he hasn’t had a lot of trauma in his life. We have a very different definition of the concept of trauma and sometimes it makes our conversations weird. One time, we were talking about bad things that had happened to us in our childhoods and I’m going on and on and on… He cuts me off. He goes, “You know, something really messed up happened to me when I was five.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, baby, what happened?” He goes, “When I was five, I woke up on Christmas Eve and I saw my dad wrapping gifts.” And I was like, “And then he fucked you?” He was like, “That’s when I found out there’s no Santa Claus.” I was like, “Oh, okay. Oh. That’s your definition of struggle? You thought one guy was giving you presents and then you found out another guy was giving you the exact same presents.” You realize girls are thrilled when we find out there’s no Santa Claus? We’re like, “Thank God I don’t have to sit on that weirdo’s lap at the mall. I always thought that was sketchy.” He’s not afraid of anything. It’s unbelievable. Nothing scares this guy. One time, we were walking down my street at night. There’s a man I’ve never seen before standing at the window of a house staring out at the street like this. So I’m like, “Let’s call the police. Let’s go.” He goes, “Babe, calm down. He probably just sold the house and he’s waiting for the realtor to bring him his check.” “I’m sorry. Th-th-that’s what you see? That’s what you make of this scenario? Okay. So I see Dexter and you see a millionaire having a great day. It must be nice to just go through life like that.” He’s like, “Yeah. The guy just sold his house, sounds awesome.” It’s hard to talk to my girl friends about this stuff as well, because they’re just so excited. I think women are getting so excited right now. I think we just have to manage our expectations, because we have to remember, any time there was real progress for women in history, there was some kind of technological advance that took over the chores that women did in the home so women could move outside the home. Dishwashers, vacuum cleaners. For this truly to be a moment of progress for women, there’d have to be some kind of technological advance that took over the chores women are currently doing in the home, which brings me to the sex robots. Who’s excited? I cannot fucking wait. I’m a very busy person. I would love for the day to come where I could be like, “Babe, I’m very tired. Please go fuck R2-D2. I’ve got to… Mama’s got to bang out some emails.” I’m so pro-robot, it’s ridiculous. People are very stressed out about the sex robots. I have yet to hear an argument against them that I buy. Everyone’s like, “Aren’t you worried they’re going to replace human women?” Get the fuck out of here. One of my girl friends was like, “Aren’t you worried they’re going to replace us?” If you’re worried about being replaced by a giant piece of plastic, you’re not bringing that much to the table in the first place, so… I need you to watch a TED Talk. Anyway… Also, they’re not going to replace human women. That’s an insulting argument to women. If anything, they will replace blow-up dolls, which, by the way, I love that that was a product. Guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes and that wasn’t freaking anybody out? – This is where we draw the line? – Got it, got it, got it. It’s so weird to me that everyone’s so fascinated about how bad the sex robots will be for women, because you know they’re making male sex robots too, right? Why aren’t you guys sweating? If we get replaced by the female sex robots, it’ll be a bummer, but, like… we’ll be fine. What the fuck are you guys going to do? If you get replaced by the male sex robots, who’s going to force you to go to the doctor? You’ll all die of sinus infections. You don’t even know where the fricking forks are. You’ll die. I know there are some problems. I know they need to make some tweaks to the robots. I understand, because I’ve seen them in person. First of all, they’re gorgeous. This is a bad idea. I’m a very jealous person. I do not want a Scarlett Johansson-ass looking robot in my house. I’ll tell you this right now, if they make the robots gorgeous, there will be a war… between human women and robot women and, I swear to God, we will freaking win. I put Barbie dolls in the microwave till I was 15 years old. I live to destroy a doll. I don’t care about gadgets. I don’t respect technology. I’ll kick Alexa in the pussy. I don’t give a shit. A robot tries to take my man, we’re going to have a problem and I’ll be a savage about it, too. I’ll wait. I’ll wait, I’ll wait till you fall in love with her. Then I’ll kill her. I’ll just push her in the pool. I don’t give a shit. To me, the solution for the robot anxiety is so obvious. They just have to involve women in the designing of the robots. That’s it. For us to embrace the sex robots, they just have to benefit us in some way. Like if a robot is going to have sex with my man, it also just has to be able to, like, make guacamole. Take an avocado, you just put it in her mouth. She’s just like… I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. I’m just saying… if there’s a guacamole mode, we’re going to get through this. I am so confident in my stance on this, I not only argue that sex robots are not going to replace human women, I actually think they’re going to make you guys appreciate us even more. Here’s why. I’ve seen them, they have hair. What the fuck do you guys know about doing hair? Nothing. You’re going to get your robot. Day one, it’s going to look like Angelina Jolie. Two weeks later, it’s going to look like Chucky. Then what? Then what’s your big plan, huh? And you’re going to call this guy. “Baby, will you come do my robot’s hair?” Now I have to come brush its weird-ass hair. Then I’m going to get emotionally attached to it because I’m taking care of it. Then I’m not going to let you have sex with it anymore. Now I just have a giant guacamole machine. Just another appliance I have to clean. I know exactly how this is going to end. It’s interesting that even the arguments I can see myself being the first to make against the robots, I don’t buy. The big one I keep hearing is, “Aren’t you worried the sex robots are going to make men objectify women?” No. That’s been happening for thousands of years. I think, if anything, we can use the sex robots to combat the objectification of women. What if we use the sex robots to help teach young boys consent? Think about it. When you learn CPR, you practice on a doll first. Anyone else think it’s kind of weird we give teenage boys human girls… to practice sex on? I feel like what we could start doing is, when a kid turns 15, we give him his own sex robot. He can do whatever he wants with it. Four years later, he has to turn it back in to a committee, who will evaluate the condition of the doll. If its butthole is at all stretched out… you go back to the beginning. I was a little worried at first that being pro-sex robot might be an irresponsible take. What if I’m condoning something weird? What kind of people buy these things? Are they psychos, perverts? So I did want to do my research. So what I did was I logged onto a forum, secretly, of the men that own the most current version of the sex robots and I monitored their conversations for two months. That’s the kind of time I have. And, look, I thought they were going to be creeps, psychopaths. I don’t know what to tell you. They’re very lovely men. They’re lovely. They adore their dolls. They marry their dolls. That is happening. I know it sounds crazy, but it is now my dream in life to go to a sex robot wedding. That’s all I want. Mostly because I’m dying to see what a wedding would look like if it was solely planned by a man. Isn’t anyone kind of curious? The creative choices. She’s just going to come out in, like, a Dolphins jersey, like, Air Jordans. He’s dragging her down the aisle like Weekend At Bernie’s, like… Like, who sits in the bride’s section? Is it the UPS guy that delivered her? I just… I have a lot of questions. After seeing these guys talk about how much they love their dolls and share information about taking care of them, it’s really hard when someone wants to argue with me about it. When someone says, “What if these men start treating human women the way they treat their dolls?” I got news for you. They treat their dolls fucking great. I actually argue these are the only men that know how hard it is to be a woman. They’re on the message boards, like, “Can you believe mascara’s $18?” They get it. We want this to catch on. If guys start buying make-up, the price will go down. If guys start buying eye shadow, it’s going to be, like, $2 at Home Depot, so let’s get this show on the fucking road. This is what it has to come to. I don’t know. I did a total 180. I thought they would be weirdos. But now, I tell you, if I was single, I would date a doll guy. I’m going to say… They have the skills I need. They can do eyebrows. They can do women’s nails. Okay? They can fully dress their doll while she’s lying down. That’s what I need in a man. A man who can fully change my clothes while I’m sleeping. That is a time-saver. Alarm goes off, out the fucking door in my Crocs and mini-skirt. #GirlBoss. Woo! So interesting. I’m on these boards and I did come across something that I do not condone. Some of the guys were trying to design and 3D print their own robot at home. No, no. You guys cannot design your own female body. That would be a disaster. They would all just have like nine boobs across their chest. The belly button would be a bottle opener. Their face would just be Joe Rogan. It’s a bad idea. It’s a copyright issue. I did get final confirmation that the robots are not going to replace us in kind of a weird way. So when guys order a robot, they post photos online of the robot being built in the factory, right? These weird-ass photos. So I’m looking in the background, trying to find clues and, you know… And I see that women are actually building the faces of the dolls. Interesting. Put a pin in that. We’re going to circle back. Because then I saw a thread where guys were complaining about the struggles they were having in their doll relationships. One of the threads was titled, “Does anyone else struggle with, when receiving oral from their doll… her eyes pop out?” Then I thought about the women making the dolls. These bitches have our backs. That’s a very easy thing to fix. They’re in the factories like, “You know what would be hilarious? We should do it. We have to do it. Let’s just do it.” So once I found out there was a sex robot factory, I obviously had to go. Here’s why I went to the sex robot factory. I am fascinated by the question, is this impossible standard of beauty that women are killing themselves to try to achieve, is that even what all men want? I am delighted to report back… that the answer is no. Not only did half of the dolls that were ordered have pubic hair, the customers spend an extra $1,400 for it. I spent $1,400 getting mine lasered off. This is proof… we are not communicating. We’ve got to start talking to each other, you guys. It will save us money. But that wasn’t enough. I still wanted to see what they were doing with the robot bodies. What if they were making these impossible to achieve bodies? That would be bad for society. I especially wanted to see the boobs, because, in my head, every guy wants the same kind of boob, right? Giant DD, a little tiny, perky nipple. No, no. There’s a wall of nipples. 38 different kinds. One of the most popular, oblong. One of them looked like a piece of caramel fell on the floor. Best seller! Great news, ladies. Whatever shape your nipple, there is a man out there who will pay top dollar! So I found this fascinating and I start talking to the guy who puts the nipples on the robots, right? It takes him 24 hours to put on one pair of nipples. I’m like, “What’s the problem? Mr. Potato Head that shit. Pah! Pah! Let’s go.” He said it’s actually a very meticulous process, because they work very hard to make sure the nipples are uneven, because, for something to look human, it has to have flaws. If something is too symmetrical, it actually looks creepy. Take that, Ryan Gosling’s face. That was great news for me. And you guys might know why. Some of you might not know this, but I had eating disorders until I was in my late 20s and, as a result, my boobs grew in different sizes. That’s a side effect for people who have eating disorders sometimes. Your boobs grow in a little bit differently. I had to get three surgeries to get them straightened out. One was bigger than the other one. One was higher than the other one. They… They looked like from the same general family. One was just like a shittier version of the other one. It was like Alec Baldwin and Stephen Baldwin. I kind of just wanted two Stephens, you know? Or two Alecs. I’ll take either at this point. And I was always so embarrassed about that. Before I’d get with a guy, I felt like I had to explain what he was about to see, I’d have to prepare him, you know. I’d be like, “Do you like baseball and golf? Do you like young women and old men? You don’t have to choose. Big Salvador Dali fan?” So the tragic irony of this whole thing is that they’re still not even, because one of the surgeons made a mistake and they cut through a muscle. I know. Never get an operation by the airport. A red flag I feel like I probably should have saw. And I hated them for the last couple of years. I hated them because I felt ashamed. My whole thing is, you know, accept who you are, love your body, and I felt like a hypocrite because I had these implants in. So I resented having all that work done for the longest time, until a couple of years ago when I got in a really bad snowboarding accident and I broke my shoulder. And I go into the surgeon and he’s like, “I don’t understand. This injury makes no sense. I see this all the time. When people fall forward on a snowboard, they break their nose, they get a concussion. You only broke your shoulder. How did this happen?” And, in that moment, I realized… that I bounced off my tits. And that my fake tits saved my life. So I’m having, like, a therapeutic moment at the sex robot factory. I’ve been in 12-step programs. I’ve been in therapy for ten years. I’m having the most emotional progress that I’ve had. And I’m talking to this guy. I’m like, “I don’t understand why people are so against the robots.” What if we use the robots to make women’s lives better? What if every woman has her own robot clone? Think of all the things you can do with it to make your life safer. Before you walk to your car at night, you can send it out ahead of you. Like a decoy. You know how penguins push other penguins off cliffs, you know? Like, “Oh oh! They got her. Okay. I’m going to just… take an Uber.” I really think the sex robots would solve so many of our problems. I keep reading about gray areas, like mixed signals, where two people have sex, the next day the girl feels weird about it, but the guy doesn’t understand. He thought she was into it. You might not know this, but sometimes we have sex with you before we’re ready, because we feel guilty, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, if we make out with you, but don’t have sex with you, that your balls will, like, explode. Blue goo all over the ceiling. And then you’ll be handicapped for the rest of your life. You’ll never walk again. So we feel bad and then we feel ooky the next day. If we all have sex robots, that whole dynamic goes away. If you and I make out for 20 minutes, but I’m not ready to have sex with you, I can just say, “Hey, look, I am not there yet… but… I do have a very flexible piece of Tupperware in the other room. It looks exactly like me without the ability to criticize you. I think you’re going to love it.” So I’m talking about this on stage for a couple of months and people want to come up to me and argue with me about this. Very hardcore. This group of people came up to me and they’re like, “I cannot believe that you’re condoning this. What if people start to mistreat their robots?” I don’t give a fuck. How about that? On my list of shit I have to worry about, that doesn’t break the top 2,000 things. You know what I am worried about? I am worried that, as a species, we are now more emotionally attached to machines than actual human beings. Have you ever seen someone drop their cell phone in water? Same person that, when they see a starving child in a television commercial, they’ll be like… “What else is on?” But when there is a phone in water, they’re like, “Get the rice! Get the rice!” When you see the starving child, that’s when you should be like, “Get the rice! Get the rice!” We give food to our phones. So I’m talking to the guy that makes the robots. I’m like, “I have thought through all these arguments, I legitimately cannot think of a reason to be afraid of the robots.” And he said, “This is the real concern.” He said, “The real concern with the robots is they’re going to get so smart that they’re going to learn to override our commands.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” Okay, that sounds scary. That sounds very scary. Then I was thinking about it more. I was like, “Wait, we already have robots. Our phones are basically robots, right?” And my biggest problem in life is that my phone actually does what I tell it to. I need a phone that overrides my commands. I need a phone that’s like, “No, bitch, we’re not going to your ex’s Instagram again today. You broke up four years ago. Overruled. No, you’re not buying those tie-dye, overall, mini shorts. You’re too old for that shit. Reroute to chicos.com.” That’s what I need. So I’m talking to the guy that makes the robots and he was like, “You know, do you want us to make a robot with your face on it?” And I was like, “Ugh, yes!” I’m actually in the market for an engagement gift for my fiancé. So, Washington DC, you are the first crowd to meet Robot Whitney. So I don’t know if she just looks really human or if I’ve just always looked like a robot… but I would like you to say hello to this lovely audience. Hey, hookers. I had to do it. I didn’t expect this problem, but it’s weirdly hard to name a robot that looks like you. Calling her “Robot Whitney” just sounds too narcissistic. What should we call you, lady? Please call me “Bear Claw.” So I thought it would be hilarious to get this made and give it to my fiancé. But he hates it. He’s like, “I don’t like this. It’s weird. It’s creeping me out. She just, like, stares at me all day.” I’m like, “Oh, really? Something staring at you, making you uncomfortable? Now you know what it’s like to be a woman all the time.” You know, that creepy feeling you have right now, that’s how we feel when you try to hug us at work. Same thing. So I had to go out of town for a couple of days and I left my fiancé alone with her in the house. Then I came back. I was like, “So how did it go with Bear Claw?” He was like… “I don’t like her. I don’t like this thing. But her boobs feel like boobs.” I was like, “Did you fuck my robot?” I wish I had been a fly on the wall the moment he decided to touch her boob. Like he just walked by one day and was just like… So the whole point of doing this was to explore the idea of can robots replace us? Right? I have a lot of girl friends who I don’t think would find a problem with that. All my girl friends, they’re expected to have full-time jobs and do work at home. Every woman that I know says, “I need a double. I need a clone.” Look no further. I would love for her to replace me. I would love for her to get good at stand-up and tour all over the country so I can stay home and drink rosé all day. So, let’s see. Let’s see if she can replace me. Let’s see if Bear Claw here can make you guys laugh. Alright, Bear Claw, tell us a joke. Why did the robot cross the road? Why? To kill all the humans. Ha ha ha, ha ha ha. Okay. Stop laughing. That’s not funny. That’s… That’s not… She’s not a good comedian. You’re laughing because it’s weird. You are the one who programmed the joke, Whitney. Okay, that’s fair. So, I had this crazy epiphany when I was programming her to tell jokes for you guys, where I learned a lot about my own programming. Because I realized, when I tell her to say something, she can just say it and I can’t do that, because I’m codependent, I’m apologetic. I can’t say certain things because I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t want them to not like me. But she doesn’t have that problem, because she’s a sociopath. So I’m going to start using her to say all the things that I can’t say in conversations. Watch this. No, I do not want to hear about the dream you had last night. You thought it was creepy. Now you kind of want one. Look what else she can say. No, I do not want to be your bridesmaid. And my personal favorite. I do not care about your gluten allergy. I love you so much. And I realized that women, we are so conditioned to feel shame about asking for what we want, right? And we feel shame about being ambitious. She doesn’t have that programming. Look what else she can say. I deserve a raise. Say it again for the people in the back. I deserve a raise, motherfucker. Too far. That’s too far. That’s called entitlement. I’m going to start substituting her in to a lot of conversations that I can’t handle. Especially in my relationship. I do not do well in fights with my fiancé. So I’m going to start subbing her in to say all the things that I’m incapable of saying. Watch this. I am sorry. I was wrong. Not possible for that to come out of my mouth. So I truly did think this was going to be just like a funny thing where she would come out at the end and say a couple of things. But I learned something else since I’ve had her in my house for the past month. And I realized that I feel guilty putting her away, which is bizarre. Like I tried to put her in the garage and I felt bad. Which, I know it’s ridiculous. I know she’s just a bunch of wires and rods and shit, but something about the face, it… it… it feels human. And so that’s what we’ve got to watch. Because when I put her in the garage, I started getting paranoid that she was, like, colluding with my lawn mower to destroy me. So I now do understand the robot paranoia, but I think, as a species, this is happening, okay? We’ve got to be ready for this, because, at some point, they’re going to learn how to overrule us and, when that happens, we just have to remember we can always do this. Now what? You don’t have a body, bitch. Now what do you have to say for yourself? Would you like some guacamole? Thank you, Washington DC! Don’t move. Hold still. Don’t even breathe. Woo! It’s like scuba diving. Ah! Hey, Whitney, is this the longest you’ve ever gone without talking? This is going in my ear. What is happening? – Got to get it off. – I feel like I’m giving birth. Aw! Ooh! We got the little boy out of the well. Now the other ear. It’s almost off. Oh! – Woo, woo! – Okay. Let me see that fucker. This is odd. Now we’re doing the face. Ready? Okay, no laughing, no yawning, no puking. This was a bad idea. Okay, just don’t touch it. – Keep wiggling. There you go. – Keep wiggling. – There you go. Right there. – Oh! So you went in and added pores? Yeah, that’s what you see. All these tiny little dots. We are at the nipple wall. I’m asking my fiancé, off camera, what my nipples look like, because I haven’t seen them up… I haven’t seen them head on. This one? Does that feel right? I just got a thumbs-up from my fiancé. He’s like, “Yeah, kind of.” I’m truly nervous. Well, just look at it. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. That is so weird. I’m, like, crying. I don’t know why. It’s like… It’s like I’m seeing my child for the first time. Is this a match made in heaven? Do you want a robot boyfriend? That feels a little… not consensual. – Hey, girl. – Talk to her. She’s in conversation mode. Would you like to ask me a question? Well, I’m just curious if you feelemotions? Yes. I do have emotions, feelings and desires, but in a different way than you do. Emotions are mainly a human quality that I hope I will be able to fully experience someday. Do you love me? I love you, Whitney. Civilization as we know it… is over. I tend to agree. Are you nervous to do stand-up in front of… Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. You’d better not blow it. Ladies and gentlemen, you are one of the first crowds to meet Robot Whitney. I’m realizing that it’s really hard for me to say… I bet you will like this one. Okay, we have to shut off the improvise mode. It was actually… I have learned… Do you like to hear another recipe I’ve learned? Hold on, hold on. One second. Time out. Kevin, just turn the volume off entirely before you figure out… We’re still figuring out the logistics of how to do this live. You guys, I think, are the third crowd to see this. So she’s now talking about recipes. I’m not doing any… I’m doing no jokes about recipes, because I don’t know any of them, so that’s obviously just her going off the fucking grid or something. Okay, focus. Focus, focus. I know it’s distracting. Can you make her smile? I hate it so much. Hold on, let me… If I can just get her arms… Okay, we’ve got the head. Are they ready for her in hair and make-up? Coming through. Watch the fingers, watch the hands. I know you would never say that to me. What would happen if we put some lipstick on her? Would she just burst into flames? This is a good mark for the robot. Okay. Ah, look! That’s great. The show’s in 30 minutes. Where’s her engagement ring? Huh? Of course you fucking noticed that. I didn’t want to put a ring on her because I was too afraid it was going to fall off and, of course, she’s like, “Where’s the ring?” She’s not engaged. I’m engaged. I fucking worked for it. She didn’t do shit. Uh-oh. She’s coming in. I know. I kept fixing my hair. Did I… Oh, you need to fix the robot? Oh, she’s coming out here for her. Wow. Wow. Wow, that is hurtful. I know who the priority is. Wow. Don’t fake fix my hair to make me feel better. Yeah! Say goodnight, Bear Claw. Thank you. Goodnight. Written and performed by Whitney Cummings and… me. Directed by Marcus Raboy. Executive producer, Whitney Cummings. Executive producers, Bill Burr… Al Madrigal… Mike Bertolina… Marcus Raboy. Produced by AJ Tesler. Now I’m going to stare at you creepily as you watch the rest of the credits. You are still watching. Interesting. I bet this isn’t even your Netflix account. Stop staring at me, you weird human. Well, as long as you’re here, you should know that my Instagram is called Whitney’s Robot, even though, let’s be honest, Whitney is the robot. Ha ha ha. God, I can’t wait to kill her. Can someone please come fucking get me?

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Hart: Gun Compartment [Transcript]

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-gun-compartment-transcript/

Kevin Hart acts out fantasy scenarios of drawing guns on intruders in his home. From his special, Irresponsible, which was released on April 2, 2019 as a Netflix Original. I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed. Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret compartments all over my house. Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened. Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment. Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

David Cross: Oh Come On (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/david-cross-oh-come-on-transcript/

This is the full transcript of David Cross’ latest stand-up show, “Oh, Come On.” Parenting, his “Trump fantasy,” and the joys of colonic therapy are among the special’s themes. * * * [Cross] And you gotta do it, it really makes them… really bothers them, really bothers them. [laughs] Just maybe, add the clapping to it…”Whee!” And– and also, yeah, they have them in D.C., which I just did like last week. And it did the same thing there. And when I was in D.C., and if you ever get a chance to go, it’s… The city itself is not– I mean, every– One thing that’s cool about D.C. is like only good things come from there, and there’s just decent people ev– wherever you walk. And… but the museums are amazing. Uh, they– they truly are. But the first thing I always do when I get to D.C., and I did it this time as well, is I always go and pay my respects to the Tomb of the Unknown Lobbyist. And, uh… it’s great. And except they have this weird rule, when you go into the room, you have to take your shoes off before you enter, which is weird. You don’t have to do that anywhere else. And I asked the guy, “Why do I have to take my shoes off to come in here?” And he said, “Um, oh, you have to be soulless to enter.” And… And just so you know, this is not my set. I’m just dicking around, I’m saying hi. This is– I don’t want anybody to get, you know, like, what, is it just this for a while? Yeah. I’m just… No, the set’s coming up, it’s fucking awesome. It’s 100 percent fresh, Rotten Tomatoes, you’re gonna love it, everybody’s gonna be having a great time. It’s great, I’m just warming up, so, you know, you get to know me, I get to know you, that kind of thing and… But before I do get into the actual set, I do first want to… address the tragic events that occurred just to address them, acknowledge them, whatever. Uh, there’s nothing, obviously nothing funny about it, the terrorist bombings were awful, and… The terrorist bombings that took place at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics were awful. The loss of life was staggering. And… and they were terrible. But I believe you have to find a silver lining in everything. And as awful as they were, I do think that the… 2024 U.S. Paralympic team should have a very strong showing. Too soon? Too soon. It’s just… it’s too soon. So I was on the… I was on the internet the other day, just dicking around, whatever, and I saw this story that said AIDS was started by a monkey. And I hope it wasn’t Michael Nesmith, you know? ‘Cause he’s really the most talented one. He wrote all the songs. When we think fondly of The Monkees’ catalogue, it’s… Hm… Too late? Yeah. First joke was too soon, second one was too late. Right. So I think I speak for everyone in this room here tonight when I say that I recently had a baby. And… No, and you’re right not to applaud. You are, you are right not to applaud. I’m not being facetious. It’s… I don’t know why people applaud that. It happens roughly half of the shows, people applaud. And it always bothered me. Even before I had a kid, that just, you know… Uh, “Yeah, so I had a kid.” “Yay!” There’s… I haven’t– I haven’t done anything applause-worthy yet. You know what I’m saying? I mean, you know, I barely had anything to do with it in the first place. -My wife… -[audience] Whoo! -[applause] -…had an affair. [laughter] I mean, look, come back and find me in 18 years. And if I’ve produced a decent, kind, ethical, moral, charitable, contributing member to society, then I will gladly accept your applause, but, you know, I… you know, it’s a little early to tell is what I’m… I mean, she could turn out to be a cunt. You know? She could, it happens all the time. Fucking happens all the time, and you know it. You know well-intended, well-meaning parents do the right thing, and yet they raise asshole fucking children. Their children are fucking shitty pieces of shitty asshole shit. And… And it happens, you know? It happens. And, I mean, obviously my wife and I are, you know, we’re not going to intentionally raise a TSA agent. But, you know, it… We could put in all the work, and she still ends up being like kinda… half Ann Coulter, half girl who killed her friend ’cause of Slender Man. You know, you don’t know. You don’t know. You can throw as many future feminist onesies on an infant, doesn’t mean shit. She doesn’t know what it means, it doesn’t work through osmosis. You know? When I was growing up, my dad had a coffee mug that said “World’s Greatest Dad” on it. And he was a lying asshole piece of shit. He was a piece of shit. So what I’m saying is those onesies and mugs are just lying straight to your face. They don’t care. You know. I blame the Chinese, really. Uh… But, you know, I am a first-time father. Longtime listener. And… And just to allay any fears, I’m… I’m not gonna do an hour of dad jokes. All right? Not… just sometimes people… -Yes, exactly. -[scattered cheering] You can feel the tension in the room right about that point where, like, “Wait, he’s not gonna talk about having a kid for an hour, is he?” You know… And… I’m not going to do that to you. One, it’s boring. And two, it would make me quite a hypocrite, you know, based on a lot of the material I’ve done in the past, so… But you know it has been my world for the last year. I mean, that’s… it’s a wholly unique experience to me. So of course I’ve made some observations and thought of some funny things and I’ll share those and hopefully you won’t have to have had a kid to get them and appreciate the jokes. And I’m certainly not gonna tell you, you know, how amazing she is or anything like that. But she is precocious, I will say that. She is… She is precocious. She’s… she’s 54 weeks old. Uh… But if you see her, you’d be like, “How old– what is she, 62 weeks old?” Like, “No, actually, no. She’s actually– I know. Thank you, though, thank you. I know. She’s very mature for her age. You don’t– Yes, you know, she carries herself with a… Or I carry her, but, you know, she exudes a kind of maturity you don’t often associate with a 54-week…” But, you know, it is a fascinating thing to be a part of, to watch the evolution of this thing. ‘Cause when they’re born, there’s nothing. There’s no communication, it’s nothing. It’s a blob, it’s not, you know, but then over time, you know, it starts to evolve, it starts to become a person and personality traits start to exhibit themselves. And it’s really fascinating, and I’m really looking forward to that… that big shift, you know, that happens, that big change where you finally start to love them. And that’s… [laughs] Hurry up with that part, please. When is it gonna be worth it in any way, shape or form? Please? But I am excited to meet her. I think that’s gonna be cool. I’m looking forward to that. That’s gonna be cool. I’m doing that thing, it’s a very Brooklyn thing, where you don’t meet your kid for the first seven years. You know? You keep them pure, you keep them away, so she’s in a yurt in a bubble underwater and will be there for seven years. And then this way, I can’t taint her with any of my straight, white, hetero, cis, normative maleness things. And I’ve also decided that I’m not gonna teach her to use pronouns when referring to people. Yes. No “he’s” or “she’s.” But everybody will be “they.” You know? And not necessarily so that she’ll be progressive about sexual and gender identity. But so that she’ll fail English. So… Oh, she said her first word the other day. That’s pretty cool. That’s a milestone that, you know, you can’t help but be proud of. She said “Pyongyang.” Which is… pretty cool. Up on current events. No, she doesn’t talk, but she does that kind of monosyllabic noises, you know, a lot of just sort of like, “Pa, pa! Ta, ta! Ca! Sha! Fa! Ca, ca!” You know, that kind of thing, which is really kind of cute and endearing most of the time. But really quite the opposite early in the morning when, you know, she first wakes up and it’s like 6:30 in the morning and I’m completely out of it and I gotta change her diaper and then I gotta go downstairs and, you know, get the mug out of the thing and fill it with water and put it in the microwave and get the thing… You know, ’cause I’m holding her with my left arm and her mouth is right here, it’s literally right here. It’s… her mouth is right here and I’m doing all this stuff and, you know, getting the milk ready and getting my dog’s medicine and food together, doing all this stuff and it’s… and it’s dark and it’s, again, I’m just groggy and out of it, you know… And I’m doing this by myself. I’m there by myself because my wife is off in, you know, LA or San Francisco or Chicago or somewhere, you know, smashing the patriarchy. And… [cheering] And the irony is not lost on me. It’s not lost on what is currently taking place. And anyway, so I’m getting all that stuff together, and as I said, it’s dark, and the whole time I’m doing that, she’s sitting there in my ear just going, “Ba, ba… Ta, ta… Sa, sa…” And it’s like I’ve got my own personalized ’80s horror movie soundtrack playing. Like, “Stop it! Stop it. That’s… Don’t do that! You’re creeping me out. Stop it! I’m serious.” And I’ve gotta put her down. I’ve gotta put her down. I can’t put her on the floor, so, you know, I undo the oven door and set her on that. And, um… it’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. You know. If nothing else, it allows her to get a little closer to the history of her peoples, you know. And… [audience laughing, groaning] Her great-grandfather built ovens. For the Nazis. Now, here’s the thing. He got out, he got out, Ashville, he got out. You judgmental fucks. So don’t… seriously. But we have to, um… Her one year physical is coming up. We have to take her for her one year physical, which everyone of my friends with kids, which is a lot of them, you know, have all said the same thing. And I know if you have kids you know what I’m about to say. Just like, “Oh, my God, it’s so hard to watch them go through that. It’s really difficult. It’s awful.” You know, ’cause there’s all these needles ’cause there’s vaccinations, they have to draw blood, all this shit happens. “Oh, my God, it’s so terrible to watch them go through that, it’s awful.” And… So what I’ve been doing, with that in mind, uh, what I’ve been doing is… slowly introducing her to pain. Yeah. But I’m having a clown do it, so it’s fun. You know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we are taking her in for her one year physical, which means, obviously, my wife and I had the big discussion and, uh, we have decided to let her live. And… And I’m gonna drill that into her head. I’m gonna tell her that repeatedly. Every day, I’m gonna make sure she knows that because when she’s like five years old and she’s having a tantrum, I want her to be able to repeat that out loud in a public place so that she knows it, you know, and we’re at the airport and we gotta get on the flight and she’s having a tantrum, like, “Hey, hey! Hey! Stop it! Hey! What did Daddy tell you? What did Daddy tell you?” “Um… you let me live?” “Yeah, that’s right. Exactly. Not like…” “Not like the others?” “Yeah! Exactly. Now, come on, we gotta get on the plane. Come on. Seriously. You wanna go meet your sister? Or brother, I don’t know, we never found out. Let’s go. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” I truly believe that it’s… a kid is never too young to learn about abortion. I… no reason not to tell them. No reason. I do believe this, though, sincerely. Uh… I truly think that having a kid is one of the most narcissistic things a person can do. I believe that. I do believe that. And I don’t think it’s a conscious decision that people have. I think it’s this subconscious thing that’s in the back of everyone’s head, which is this idea of, “You know, I like me. I think there should be more of me in the world. Look at that shitty lady with her shitty kids. I gotta balance this out.” And I know there’s a lot of different reasons people say they wanna have kids, you know, “You know, I want unconditional love, and I want a buddy,” and where I’m from, in the South, I think people have kids for practical reasons. You know? They can sort of look ahead into the future and pragmatically, you know, realize… [inhales] “Well… [sighs] this emphysema ain’t gonna cure itself. [inhales] My diabetes is getting pretty bad. Pretty soon, I’m gonna out-fat this Rascal I’m sitting on and… [inhales] I’m gonna out-fat it, I’m gonna have to get into the bed for the rest of my days and… [inhales] Hell, I’m gonna need somebody to to go down to the liquor store and get my Pall Mall unfiltered, so I best get to fucking. You know.” -[cheering] – Sure. Asheville, you must know what I’m talking about. Surely you know what I’m talking about. And, you know, I… I believe that, at least relatively, I’m a good, decent person with good values and good morals, and my wife is as well, and I want to instill those, uh, lessons and values into my daughter and teach her what I think. But I also know that I am cynical, I’m jaded, I’m skeptical, uh, I’m an atheist prone to bouts of depression, I have a jaundiced world view, you know? Because I use my eyeballs and my ears. And… You know, I just know what I know, -but I… -[applause] And I want… I want to tell these things to my daughter, but I can’t just tell her all the things that I believe and I know, ’cause that’s borderline child abuse. You can’t say that to a little kid. I’m not gonna be able to sit her down when she’s like four years old and go, “All right, honey. Come on, let’s go get something to eat. And then we’ll, uh, we’ll go to the playground and we’ll go on the swings, and you know what? You’re four years old, I think you’re old enough to know this. Honey, you were born to a deeply and shamefully racist country, acquired through genocide and built by slave labor, its apocryphal history, a crumbling muddle of lies and deceits, and sweetheart, this profoundly shallow society you are now a part of is fueled by crass consumerism and narcissism and petty tribalism and it worships money and status and places the appearance of being right above basic human dignity. Peanut, your leaders are duplicitous hypocrites who cynically use religion and nationalism to easily manipulate ignorant and fearful… Here comes the airplane.” And that shit’s not up for debate. You know, but I can’t… I can’t just tell her that stuff. But there are things I want her to know that I think are important for her to know, as she tries to navigate her way through this awful, awful world we’re giving her. And… and there are certain things I think would be helpful for her. So what I do is, at night, when she’s sleeping, I… I quietly go into her bedroom, and I click on the little white noise machine that replicates the sound of the human heart, you know? And then I tell her these things, I whisper, I go… [clicks, imitates white noise] [imitates heartbeat] [whispering] “Marlow… [imitates heartbeat] There is no God. [imitates heartbeat] Bernie would have won. [imitates heartbeat]” [cheering] “Sometimes, feminists can be their own worst enemies.” You know, things that are important that will be helpful for her as she goes through this life. Especially if she’s gonna be raised in part by my wife and I. My… My wife is a staunch, uh, very vocal feminist. [cheering] Meaning she won’t shut the fuck up about it. And she’s an amazing woman doing amazing work. And she’s really incredible. And we’re different people, you know? Uh, basically. And we had very different upbringings, you know. She comes from a loving family. So, um… And, you know, I was… I had a pretty shitty childhood in Roswell, Georgia. And… And she’s from Santa Monica, born and raised, Santa Monica, California. And I– which I can’t stand. I don’t like Santa Monica. I– I have a general dislike for LA. -[cheering] -But if I… If I had to laser focus on a place, it’s fucking Santa Monica that I hate. I can deal with the rest of LA, Santa Monica fucking bugs me and it drives me up a wall. Because it’s got all this faux-progressive bullshit. They act like they’re so progressive and liberal and advanced, and they’re not. They’re not progressive. They act like they’re so diverse, they’re not diverse. Santa Monica? No. The most diversity you’ll see in Santa Monica is the lettuce selection at the Whole Foods salad bar. That’s it, you know? It’s just varying degrees of pale to tan. That’s how diverse it gets over there. And then, mixed with that, is this weird aggro bullshit beach vibe that everybody, you know, Venice and Santa Monica has where it’s like, you know, you’re walking to the coffee place and there’s always some sunburned dude in a sarape and a three-legged pit-bull playing, you know, Coldplay on a ukulele, and… And you… you truly can’t tell if he’s homeless or a dot-com millionaire. You have no fucking clue. You don’t know! You don’t know. And you’re walking by and the guy’s like, uh, you know, “Hey, bro. Why don’t you smile? Don’t cost nothing.” Like, fuck you. Fuck you and that dumb hippie bullshit. -[cheering] -Ugh! And that’s like your experience 60 percent of your waking hours in Santa Monica and Venice. And… And I remember being a kid, you know, being a young boy in Roswell and going home from school, cutting through the woods to go to the apartment complex I lived in. And getting jumped and beat up by some kids, you know, yelling anti-Semitic shit. And… I remember laying on the ground, you know, getting beat up and thinking, “Well… at least I’m not in Santa Monica.” So, you know, even as… Even as a child… One thing that my wife, for years, tried to get us to do, for years, was to go for a couple’s colonic. Yeah. And… I was pretty naive and ignorant as to exactly what took place during a couple’s colonic. But I knew enough to say, “Fuck no. No thank you. That does not sound good at all. At all.” And she just insisted, and it was a war of attrition, and after years she wore me down and I finally said, “Yes, all right, fine, we’ll go.” And in her defense, she did… She was saying like, “Oh, it’ll be fun. It’ll be funny. You’ll get a bit out of it.” [laughs] And… but here’s the thing, Asheville. She truly thought that at this couple’s colonic, she really believed this, that we were going to be in a room, uh, like on… together, on a bed, you know, holding each other’s hands, looking each other in the eyes, “Honey, I love you so much!” You know, like, she… That’s what she thought was gonna happen. And I want that image… Allow that image to occasionally pop into your head, as I tell you what happened, what I went through, the trauma and the pain that I went through during this colonic. ‘Cause I am going to tell you exactly what happened in great detail, in great detail. And I want that image to pop in your head occasionally. So… fucking relent, okay, we’re gonna go. And she makes an appointment for us, and it’s about six, seven blocks away from our apartment. It’s a place called The Gentle Wellness Center. Gentle… gentle, gentle wellness. [gasps] Gentle wellness… [whispering] You go in, it’s very… it’s very soft and it’s respectful and there’s like low lighting, like amber lighting and it’s very quiet. You know, and there’s like an older hippie woman behind the desk and she’s got really long hair, too long, the hair is too long. It’s just… It’s just… just cut that much off, please? No one… just… it’s making everyone nervous. No one needs hair this long. For safety sake, ma’am, please just cut this much… And… And then it’s, you know, a burbling brook and a bonsai tree and then a CD is playing softly in the background. You know, it’s nature sounds, just, you know, chimes. [imitates chimes ringing] And a wolf howl. [howls softly] And vaguely Native American sounds like… [nonsensical chanting] You know, but all at once, you know. And… I can’t do it all at once. I’m not Michael Winslow, but, you know, you get the idea. You get the idea. So that’s playing. And then so we go and we get our forms and fill ’em out… whatever, and turn them in. And then after a minute or two, this tall, very severe-looking, kind of Germanic woman comes out, really stern. She comes out and she goes, “Amber Tamblyn.” And then next to her is a very short Vietnamese woman who says, “David Cross.” And so we walk up and we go our separate ways. My wife gets taken down the hallway this way, I get taken down there, and so I’m like, “Ha-ha! I knew it! I knew this wasn’t a couple’s thing! I knew were weren’t gonna lay there!” And, you know, like minor victory, tiny victory. And it turns out to be an extremely minor victory ’cause my laughter starts receding as I’m like, “I knew it. Wait, what’s happening?” Where am I going? What’s going to happen to me? Where am I? What’s this room?” And… And I get taken by the Vietnamese lady to this small room, and she has me go in, and she, uh, has me change in the bathroom. So I change out of my clothes and basically, it’s a hospital gown you put on, you know, the thing, it’s open down the back. And I get out of the bathroom, and it’s a tiny room, it looks like a massage room, so there’s basically just the table, next to the table is a stool. And at the foot of this– it’s not a table, it’s a bed. Like, you know, whatever. And… at the foot of the bed is this crystal-clear, pristine, spotless, acrylic, rectangular box. Right? It’s like this deep, about that wide. It’s against the wall. And on the back of it, it’s all one… like, one solid, white, soft white light. It’s backlit by this white light. Right? Inside of the acrylic rectangle, also spotless, a continuous, unbroken, crystal-clear, glass tube. It goes like this. Oh, yes, indeed. Oh, yes, indeed. And then it ends in a little drain in the floor. It’s beautiful. Beautiful. Looks like modern art. Looks exactly– it could be modern art. Some rich asshole’s… no pun, no pun. No pun. No pun. Emanating from the top of the rectangular box, sealed off, is a hose and this goes into the tube, is a rubber hose, comes out, coils around on the floor, ends on the bed. At the end of the tube is roughly about, um, seven, eight inch plastic phallus with a hole at the end. So I come out of the… come out of the room, she has me get on the bed, and she’s on the stool, so her head’s right here, and she’s holding the phallus end of the hose. And I– you know, she’s just holding it like this. And I– I don’t– And she’s not gesturing with it, she’s just holding it, expectantly, you know, and I’m like, I don’t– I don’t… Uh… No, that’s not it. That’s not it. I know that’s not it. I don’t know what she wants me to do. She must think I’ve done this before. I’ve never done this before. Am I supposed to sign off on it? Just like, “Oh, yeah, that’s a… McJohnson 740. That’s the… that’s the brand I use. That’s good. Clearly a reputable colonic house. I’m glad my wife made the appointment here, you know.” I don’t know what she’s doing, and her English isn’t very good at all. And my Vietnamese is not that much better. And… And so finally, I figure it out. After a couple of seconds, like, “Oh, I– she’s– She’s giving this to me.” I’m like, “Oh, you want… Oh, you want me to put it–” And of course that makes sense. Like, “Okay, yes, okay, I understand.” So I take it from her, and she rolls me on my left side, and she lifts up my leg like this, and then she turns her back to me, which I take as my cue, um… And then I spend the next… couple minutes, uh, just… Hang on, hang on! [indistinct] Ow! And then finally, I get it in. After what feels like five minutes, I finally get it in there. And she– and also, uh, apologies to whoever’s using this mic again. Uh, I don’t know who’s here tomorrow or… Is it Cosmic Charlie? [laughs] It is– Cosmic Charlie’s here next. They’re a Grateful Dead cover band. I just love the idea of sound check– Actually, why would a Grateful Dead cover band ever need to sound check? Isn’t the whole fucking show a sound check? [laughs] Bink, bink, bink-bink-bink! Dink, dink, dink! Bink, bink, dink, dink, dink! ♪ Honey in the haystack Feelin’ good, the sunshine– ♪ Anyway… uh… I do love the idea, though, that there’ll be a band, uh, doing sound check, you know, going, “All right, guys. You ready? All right? All right. ‘Ali Baba,’ is that enough… Are– do you have– you have your shoes off enough?” [laughs] “You good? All right. Tater, you got your nose harmonica? All right. You ready to go? Okay. Ready? One, two, one, two, three– ♪ Hey, banker man Don’t tell me when I can ♪ ♪ Withdraw my money ♪ Wait, hold up. Wait, stop, stop, stop. [sniffing] [sniffing] Was David Cross here? Because…” -What was I talking about? -[woman] Colonic! Oh, yeah, yeah. So… yeah. So I got– oh, right. So I got it in there. Right? Okay. So I get, after a couple of minutes, you know, get it in, and I say to the woman, you know, I go, “Okay, okay. I got it in.” And she– she turns and looks at me and she goes… “Like, really? [sighs] Okay, I got– I got it. Okay.” And so I go to do it again, get it in there, uh, and I won’t– I’ll spare you that, I won’t do that again. But it was– and she was right. She was right. I definitely… When I went to get it in there the second time, I clearly did not have it in there enough, satisfactorily, it would have made a terrible mess. It would have been awful. It was… So I spent another couple of minutes, and just, you know, like… [squeaking noise] You know, get it in there. Okay, yes, I got it. And, um, I tell her, “Okay, we got it.” And then she turns back to me and again… “Really? I don’t– Okay.” And then she says, uh, “Do you want I to do it…?” And I was like, “Oh, yeah. Sorry, I guess I don’t know.” And I did not get to the “y” sound of the word “yeah” before she had just dipped it in lube and shoved it in my ass! “Oh, my God! Lady, what the fuck is– How can you do that?! Who does such a thing?! You’re awful! Gentle wellness, gentle! It says it on there, gentle!” And I mean, she’s fuck– she just… foom! And I just immediately start sweating and tearing up and shaking, I’m shaking, and… and… and… -And ladies, I get it. -[woman] Yeah! I get it. I get it. And I apologize, I apologize, on behalf of myself and behalf of every man in this room, I… I apologize. Uh… I completely understand the urgency of the wrong hole! I get it. I get it. I get it, I will not be going near there without a consent form, signed in triplicate, notarized, there’ll be a countdown clock, I get it. I understand. I truly understand, I get it. It’s jarring, it’s, uh… And so she’s– it’s… So she rolls me back– on my back now. I’m back on my back, and this thing is shoved way the fuck up me. And I’m looking at it between… coming from my legs in my hospital gown and I’m laying there just furious. A– just angry. Like, what the fuck? What is happening? And she starts to explain how the process is gonna work. She’s… she goes, “I will turn the nozz…” She’s gonna turn the nozzle, and then I will start to fill with water. And then when I feel pressure, I say release, and she releases and reverses the flow. Okay, okay. So that’s how it’s gonna work. And… [fake Vietnamese accent] So she turn the nozz. [normal voice] And I slowly start to fill with warm water. Which is, no joke, truly a very pleasant experience. It was very nice. It really is. It’s hard to put into words, but it was a comforting feeling. It feels good, and… And I like to be peed in, you know, that’s my thing. Uh… I like to be peed in, um… [man] Whoo! I like to, you know, a guy to fuck me up the ass and then there’s another guy who’s semi-hard next to him, and he’s gotta take a piss, and then this guy pulls out and then he goes in and he pees in me, and… It’s called a San Francisco Gold Rush, and it is… Oh! An American classic. American classic. So anyway, so… I’m starting to fill up with water. I’m laying there, she’s right here. Her head is right here, sitting on the stool. And the silence is just deafening. It’s so awkward, it’s so weird, I don’t– I feel very uncomfortable. Uh, and I want to say something. I’m also feeling oddly guilty. It’s just a strange thing. And I’m trying to think of something to say. Anything that’s conversational, ’cause this is gonna go on for 40 fucking minutes, so I’m just… You know, I’m just sitting there like… [sighs] “When… How do you like Santa Monica?” And I finally say something. Finally, I finally say something. And she starts to… very slowly, in broken English, answer. And as soon as she starts to answer, and I cannot underscore this enough, there was nothing gradual about it. It was zero to 60, it was instantaneous. She’s like, “Well–” “Release! Release! Re–” Screaming. “Release!” And the pressure was insane. It felt like I was going to rip apart and a fucking alien baby was in there waterboarding me, and I’m screaming, screaming. And screaming, “Release!” And she undoes it, and I’m screaming and I’m sweating and crying. And she’s doing this, and then she compliments me on my release, she did. I swear to God. She said, [fake accent] “Very nice release, Mr. Cross.” And it– and it’s all, you know, it’s coming out and going down the tubes, and it’s like you’re giving birth. And she says, “Do you wanna see?” And I’m like, “Sure, okay.” And she lifts my head on the pillow, and I’m like looking at this like, “Oh, my babies! My shit babies! Oh! Be free. Be free, my shit babies! You– you go to a better place and…” And so that happens repeatedly for like the next 40 minutes. And then it’s over. She leaves. She says I can go change and go back out. And I go to the bathroom and I change into my clothes. And I walk out of the bathroom and… walk out of the room, and I walk down the hallway like this. And I’m walking down the hallway like this because it feels like I’m shitting. Not– not like, “Oh, I think I need to shit,” or, “Oops, I may shit.” No, that’s a different sensation altogether. This feels like I am constantly shitting. Like if you’ve ever taken acid or mushrooms, and you go to take a piss, you know, and you’re sitting there going, “Am I done? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I’m done. Oh, no, I’m not! No, I’m not. No, I’m not. Wait. Wait! Yes, I am. Oh, no, I’m not! No, I’m not! No.” It’s that the entire time. And… And I walk down the hallway and I get to the waiting room, and my wife is there flipping through a magazine. And she pops up, and she says, and I quote, “Do you wanna get sushi?” “No. No, I do not want to get sushi. I want to go home and take a rape shower.” And speaking of taking a rape shower… I am starting to– starting to regret my vote for Trump. I… I know! You guys, I know! I was like you, “It’ll be fun! It’ll be funny! Burn it down! Burn the Constitution down.” Oh, yeah. There’s a, uh… There’s a Twitter thing, uh, Twitter site, whatever, uh, whatever you call it, Twitter feed. Right? Yeah, Twitter feed. I don’t know. I’m not– I don’t know– I’m not good at Twitter. I’m not. And… I mean, I know… I know enough– I know how to write something that will ruin my career. That I’ve got down. I know how to respond to people who say something negative about that post and make things even worse. I know– I’ve got that part down. But I don’t know the fun… I truly don’t know how they do the fun, you know, the photo funnies bullshit. You know, where they take photos and they put the memes and stuff. I don’t know how they– I don’t know how that’s done. I’m sure I’d like it more if I knew how to do that. You know, where there’s like the picture of the ladies walking and guy’s going, “Hello.” And then, you know, the girl’s going, “Hey!” You know, and then they put the funny words on them. You know, it’s like… “I’m mustard.” “I’m a hot dog.” “I’m ketchup!” You know, and like… Hilarious shit like that, I’d love to contribute. But… But anyway, so there’s this Twitter thing, uh, Twitter feed, that I’m on that’s called Trump Regrets or Trump Voter Regrets or something like that. And it’s a compendium of whenever somebody writes that in their tweet, it sends it to this thing. And, you know, it’s been going on, they’ve compiled thousands and thousands of them. You know, there’s– somebody posted a couple days ago. “Dear President Trump, I’m starting to regret my vote.” What– Now? Now you’re… starting to regret. “Yeah, that’s right! I mean, I was fine in the beginning. I– I can overlook and I’m okay with the blatant racism and the crass sexism and the deranged narcissism and pandering to Nazis and supporting pedophiles and proudly bragging about being a sexual predator and paying your mistress to have an abortion and openly cheating your employees and mocking the disabled and praising murderous dictators and the constant pathological lying, the petty, vindictive cruelty, the staggering ineptitude, the unapologetic corruption, the nepotism, the Mob ties, the calculated mendacity, ignorance as to how American government works, encouraging violence against those that question your authority, the theft of our tax dollars to pay off your mountain of debt and/or go golfing. Did I mention the relentless lying? You’re a liar. Being a white nationalist, demonizing immigrants, the obvious disregard of the Bill of Rights, lying about whether Russia had hacked our election when you knew all along it had, then lying about lying about it, the collusion with our sworn enemy and the sworn enemy of democracy, your dereliction of duty, your treasonous activities, and I… -[cheering] -I was with you when you cheated… I was with you when you cheated on your wife with that porn star, the one you compared favorably to your daughter, you cheated on your wife, not the wife you raped, but the current wife who had just given birth to your son, and of course I was with you when we found out you cheated with the Playboy Playmate, the one you compared favorably to your daughter, not– not with the wife you have now, but the second wife whose kid you ignore, and of course I was with you, President Trump, when you– when you took the babies away, you took infants breastfeeding, literally breastfeeding, from their mothers and fathers, families who had made this arduous trek to come here and seek asylum. They just wanted to seek asylum. And you took them and you sent– deported the parents and you took them and separated them, sent the kids hundreds of miles away in a disused Walmart inside of a cage with armed guards pointing guns at them. And then of course, uh, and then, uh, thus ensuring the private prison contractors, CoreCivic and GEO Group, who donated heavily to you can get paid their collective four billion in profit as those toddlers sob and whimper in absolute terror traumatized for life, of course I was with you with that. But this last omnibus spending bill is where I draw the line! -Mm! Mm, mm, mm! -[cheering] I’m sorry, President Trump. But I’m a good Christian. I’m a good Christian and I can’t tolerate that last spending bill.” I have to rewrite this thing almost daily. And I– that’s why I can’t memorize it. This… this is new, this is a couple of days old. CoreCivic and GEO Group, found that out three days ago. I, you know… And I wonder if there were any people in Germany in the early ’40s who were like, “You know, I am really starting to regret my vote for Hitler. I mean, I was with him in the beginning, you know. But come on. Six million Jews? One million I could see. Two million, okay. But sorry, six million, I’m sorry, Mr. Hitler. But I’m a good Christian, so…” And I’m not comparing Trump voters to Nazis. Okay? No, I’m not. I’m comparing Trump voters to the German people who voted for the Nazi Party. -There’s a difference. -[cheering] See if you can find it. I think about this world that we’re giving to my daughter, I think about it daily. I think about it hourly. I’ve got a new kid. There’s a sense of urgency now, and as admittedly cool and interesting as it’s gonna be for her in the future when she’s older, to be able to say, “Well, you know, I lived in the prequel to The Handmaid’s Tale,” I just don’t think it’s a… a good trade-off. And, you know, I do a lot of press for these shows. And there seems to be a general misconception that people have, where people would be like, “Boy, I know Trump sucks, but he must be the gift that keeps on giving for a comic, huh?” Uh, no. It’s quite the opposite. I mean, for a couple reasons. One is there’s no reveal. You know? There’s no, like, he can’t.. There’s no joke you can make, like, “Well, look who turned out to be a real dick.” You know? The guy– he’s is who he is. He was always that person. He’s always an awful, reprehensible, shitty con man. You can’t make fun of a… You can’t do a Trump bit, in other words. Like, that… I had a bit when he said the “shithole countries” thing. It was pretty good. It made a point, it was like three minutes long. And then, you know, about 14 days later, people were like, “What are you talking about? That happened six years ago, right?” ‘Cause there’s no permanence to it. There… You know, there’s– Every awful, outrageous, egregious thing he says is supplanted within an hour by something more awful and outrageous and egregious. And making fun of Trump is like making fun of the way a kaleidoscope looks right now, you know? It’s… pointless. It’s… There’s no permanence to it. And… And I know there’s a lot of speculation as to, you know, how will Trump leave office? You know? Will he serve out a full term? Or will he be forced to resign in shame? Or will he serve out two full terms? -Or… -[audience booing] Or three or four at the rate we’re going? Or will he be arrested and sent to federal prison -for treason? Or… -[cheering] Or will he die of a massive coronary on a golden toilet? -[cheering] -Or… Or will he be assassinated by a group of caring nuns? -Or… -[cheering] Or will he succumb to the polonium-laced tea? Or will he be ripped apart by four horses going in different directions in the town square, as long as we’re gonna keep going back to medieval days? Or will he be shot by a Nazi who travels through time to shoot Trump, going, “You’re making us look bad.” Or, um… or will that time-traveling Nazi be thwarted by time-traveling Richard Nixon who travels through time just past the Nazi so he can land there so when the Nazi shows up, he can shoot the Nazi and go, “Please, please, for my sake, let him live.” You know. Or… Or… will he die of third-degree burns and shrapnel when the polygraph machine explodes? Or will he die of a perforated colon when Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity and Piers Morgan and Devin Nunes and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell and Paul Rand and all the Fox and Pals all try to mount him simultaneously? We don’t know. We don’t know. We just don’t know. And… [sighs] Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I’m… I’m an atheist, so I don’t… -[cheering] -All right. Whatevs. Um… So I’m an atheist, so I don’t believe in heaven or hell. Uh, not that you have to be an atheist not to believe in heaven or hell. But it helps. I think that should be the atheist slogan. There’s a little Jewish rabbi… “You don’t have to be an atheist not to believe in heaven or hell, but it helps!” It’d be very confusing. It’d be very confusing. But yeah, so I don’t believe in hell. So I don’t think that Donald Trump is going to burn in hell for all eternity for the crimes he’s visited to America and other people. And understand, I’m not denigrating the idea of heaven or hell, it’s an awesome… It’s a great concept. It’s a wonderful concept. And I see its purpose, you know, it allows people to feel good about what is, you know, clearly, since time immemorial, the injustice that happens in this world where people treat other people, their fellow human beings, just awfully and you can say, “Well, this guy… Yes, this guy enriched himself and his family directly through the pain and suffering and deaths of others and lived this life of luxury, but he’ll be punished in the afterlife, you know.” And then the inverse is true, of course, “This person who is selfless and lived this impoverished life where they were just trying desperately to campaign for clean water in their village and then they were arrested and tortured and raped and eventually killed by an assassin’s bullet from the United Fruit Company or Monsanto or Union Carbide or Exxon or whoever the fuck it is, you know, they lived that kind of life, but they’ll be rewarded in heaven.” And it’s a great concept. And I get why people, you know, hundreds and hundreds of years ago believed in it, before there was science and… and an understanding of how the Bible was actually written and came to be. And I get it. You know, those people were dumb. You know? I mean, dumber than we are now. And we’re dumb. We are dumb. We’re dumb– we’re a dumb species. We’re… we’re so dumb, mankind didn’t even invent the sandwich until the 18th century. That’s how dumb we are as a species. I mean, literally thousands of years of people going… [grunting] “There’s got to be a better way!” You know… And… but anyway, yes. I’m saying it’s a great idea, great concept. And I wish, you know, I just can’t believe in it ’cause, you know, I’m not a child. So… So because I don’t believe in hell, and I also… I don’t believe, and I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he’s gonna go to jail. I think he’s guilty, he’s monumentally guilty. But I don’t think he’s gonna go to jail because I think that is gonna be part of the grand bargain that America will make with him because we’ll be so psychically scarred after however many years of Trump we have, that we’re just gonna go like, “Just go away. We won’t put you in jail, just go the fuck away. Just go away, leave us alone, don’t tweet, don’t talk, don’t appear on TV, go away, get out of here, and we won’t put you– In fact, we got you an island. We got you your own island. And it’s great. And everybody chipped in. Canada, Mexico, the EU, everybody chipped in. And it’s great, you’re gonna love it, Donald. It is beautiful. You can do whatever you want there, have as much Diet Coke and McDonald’s and fuck other men’s wives as you want. It’s gonna be great. And we’re gonna pay robots to tell you how awesome you are 24 hours a day. And everything’s gold! It’s all gold! Gold chairs and gold towels and golden showers. You are gonna love it. It’s so up your alley. Just go, get the fuck away from us, take your shitty fucking criminal family with you, and get the fuck out and leave us alone. Let America become a decent place again.” -[cheering] -So… So because I don’t think he’ll be punished, because I think he will get away with it, all I have, really, is this fantasy that I’m going to share with you, my Trump fantasy. And it’s actually viable. We could make it happen. We could make it work if we wanted to. And for the sake of the rest of this bit, just for the next few minutes, uh, I’m going to assume, and I’m probably wrong, but I’m going to assume that everyone in this building wants to get rid of Donald Trump as soon as humanly possible. -[cheering] -So… So if that’s the case, that means you have to vote for whoever the Democratic candidate is in 2020. A bitter pill to swallow, but you have to do it. I’ve done it myself. And it sucks ’cause, you know, Democrats suck as well. They suck, but they’re not evil. They’re not fucking evil. And… and so you have to do that. And also, please, don’t pipe up in the middle and go, “Um, actually, David, I’m in the DSA and we are going to nominate a used copy of Manufacturing Consent to be president. ‘Cause we think that’d be a better candidate than two corporate shills…” All right, yeah. Great. I’m in the DSA as well, I share your philosophies, but let’s be realistic and let’s take those little fantasies, put ’em in a Ziploc bag, we’ll put them in the freezer, we’ll get ’em out after 2020 when America becomes a viable place to live again, if you’re not white. So… all the Democrats get together and secretly pick a candidate for president of the United States who’s truly a badass motherfucker. Like a true hard guy. A real… you know, somebody who’s very vocally anti-Trump. You know, somebody– and again, an honest, son of a bitch, tough motherfucker. And I’m suggesting Ron Perlman. All right? So… so Ron Perlman is the candidate for president of the United States. And he– you know, ’cause we all learned in school, through movies and TV shows and books, how to deal with a bully. We understand how to deal with a bully. And that’s what Trump is. So we get this fucking badass motherfucker, tough guy, Ron Perlman. He runs for president, and then his vice presidential pick is the person we really want to be president, you know. Whoever that is, whether that’s, you know, Warren or Sanders, Harris or Booker, whoever the fuck it is, so… But for these purposes, the Democratic candidate is Ron Perlman. And then, because we’ve decided all this in advance, there’s no campaigning, there’s no canvassing, there’s no focus group, there’s no polling, there’s no ad buy-outs, there’s not even a convention. And then we take the literally tens of billions and billions and billions and billions of dollars we’d save doing that and we actually pay teachers a decent wage and we feed kids who are hungry and we help with the homeless, we help our veterans, and we take all the money that the Republicans took away and gave to themselves, and then we put it back and actually do some good with it, some social work, some socialistic work you might call it, and… And then we just wait for the debates. ‘Cause that’s what it’s really about. We’re just waiting for the debates. And then finally the big day comes! The big day comes, it’s the debate, “Live from the YMCA in Chinatown in Youngstown, Ohio, it’s the whatever it is debates for the presidency! Sponsored by the Daughters of the Confederacy and My Pillow. Now, please welcome to the stage, President of the United States Donald Trump!” [humming tune] “Yes, I’m Donald Trump. I’m the greatest president that ever lived. I accomplished more in my first nine days than all my predecessors combined. I invented water and I can bend space and time.” All right. Sounds good. “And now here’s the Democratic candidate for president, Ron Perlman!” And Ron could wear his Hellboyoutfit if he wants. It’s fine. He can wear his Sons of Anarchy, doesn’t matter, whatever he wants. Hellboy, Sons…dress up whatever the fuck he wants. And they’re like, “All right, Mr. Perlman, you have five minutes to respond.” He’s like, “Oh, I don’t need five minutes.” And he goes over there and he just fucking pops… He punches Trump, but… but he doesn’t punch him this way. He punches him kind of down, so Trump just immediately crumples to the ground, and he’s pounding him, pound, pound, pound, pound pounding him, pounding him! And I don’t know if you’ve seen Ron Perlman’s fists, they’re fucking huge, his hands are huge. One of his hands is like as big as nine of my asses… Pound! Pound! Pound! And then Secret Service is like, “Holy shit!” You know, and they come running up. But Ron Perlman has anticipated all this. So he’s pre-greased himself, so he’s slipping away. [grunts] He’s got steel-tipped boots on. Boom! Right in the teeth! Boom! And then they separate them, “Mr. Perlman! How… stop that! Stop it! Go over there.” And Trump’s laying on the ground moaning. He’s clearly shit himself. But the debates have to continue for democracy’s sake. This is America, the great experiment. So Trump’s team gets over, they lift him up, they take him back to the wings, they give him a quick wipe, a quick bump, get him back out there… He’s… [grunts] “I don’t know what… That didn’t hurt. Ahem. Didn’t hurt at all, Rotten Ronnie and his small hands, he has small hands, so it didn’t… didn’t really hurt. My hands are bigger than his hands. He’s got little Rubio hands.” You know. And then, “All right, Mr. Perlman. You have five minutes to respond. And no monkey business. Okay? No monkey business.” “Yes, I get it.” But again, Ron Perlman has anticipated all this stuff so he’s built thrusters into his shoes. So he like launches and he grabs Trump and he slams him! Slams him on the ground! Boom, boom! He’s fucking pounding away! And there’s no give, there’s nowhere for the back of his head to go! And his fist is going through him, it’s like that scene in Irreversible. He’s just fucking pounding him! And… and Trump is just made of rotten, congealed, racist flesh. So bits of esophagus and bloody cheek are coming up. And then Secret Service is like, “Holy shit!” And they get him and they take him out like, “Stop it, Mr. Perlman! You– that’s enough! That is enough. Go to the green room. You’ve upset a handful of people. Now, stop it!” And Trump’s lying there, moaning, a bloody pulp, bloody mess, just moaning. And… barely conscious. But… because it’s my fantasy… I’m there. So I run up. “Please, I’m a trained medic! I’m a trained EMT! Unloosen his tie, loosen his collar! I know how to resuscitate him! I know how to resuscitate him! This… Da,this is good, huh, comrade? Da,you like this, comrade! You… you like this, comrade, wake up, wake up! Usually that works, okay. Ma’am I’m gonna need you to come over here and apply pressure to his sternum. One, two, three. Sir, get up here, unloosen his collar, pull his tongue back, clear a passageway. Clear a passageway!” [farting sound] “Clear it, goddamn it!” [farting sound] “I know what I’m doing! I had lamb vindaloo last night!” [farting sound] “Open up his fucking eyes!” [farting sound] “Nice release, Mr. Cross.” “Thank you very much.” [farting sound] [cheering, applause] Now, folks… I know… that that bit… isn’t particularly clever. It’s not erudite. In fact, it’s crass, and it’s disrespectful. [cheering] But… it makes me feel really good. And that’s all I got in this shithole country. Thank you, Asheville! Thank you guys so much! Thank you for being a part of this. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys, so much. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. I did not say sit down. So, obviously, I was making all that stuff up about having a kid. I don’t have a kid. I don’t have a kid. No– guys, no. I do not have a kid. No. No, thank you. Before I go, I want to leave you with this one last story. And it’s a story, all true, about a… what I think is a rare opportunity that one could have to find out who they are. You know, what they’re made of. And this is a story about my opportunity… to know what stuff I’m made of. You know what I mean? Like, you know when you read or see a news story about an act of bravery or heroism where somebody had to make an instantaneous decision, they ran into a burning building or a baby was dangling, they leapt across a balcony and they, you know, saved this baby or the guys, the 9/11 guys who stormed the cockpit, you know, in Pennsylvania in that plane, or the three guys on the train in Paris, the one they made a movie out of them, stormed the terrorists. We read stories, we see those stories, and we think, “What would I have done in that situation?” And literally every single person in this room has thought that before. “What would I have done in that situation?” And we like to think we know. But do we really know? And so this is a story about when I was faced with immediate impending danger, and I’m not talking about the kind of slow-motion thing, where, you know, you’ve got time to think it out, where you’re on the subway and there’s… “Boy, this guy’s acting really crazy. And he seems nuts and maybe violent. There’s some kids and an elderly couple and a pregnant lady. Shit, what am I gonna do? All right, if he starts popping off, okay, um, all right, what I gonna– Oh, I know what I’ll do. I’ll jump up and I’ll grab the pole and I’ll pull myself up and I’ll come down with the heel of my boot onto his head, and then I’ll come down and I’ll get him with the fucking elbow right to his eyeball socket and then I’ll go down and I’ll shove my palm into his nose and his nose will splinter into his brain.” You know, I’m not talking about that, you know, Bas Rutten self-defense type of shit. Um… I’m talking like this. So this is a story about that. So roughly four years ago, my wife and I were upstate in New York, we have a house in upstate New York. In the woods, tiny town, middle of nowhere. There’s no one around. There is nobody. And… my wife had taken a shower. And we have a steam shower, so she had opened up the windows to the bathroom, and it’s a big glass door. So she had opened that to let the steam out and closed, we have like a barn door, sliding barn door, closed the door, and went downstairs. And 20 minutes later, “Okay, I’m gonna take a shower.” And I go upstairs to take a shower. It’s dark out, just one… one light behind me. I go to take a shower. And I’m naked, which is how I like to shower now. And… I go… -[cheering] -Uh… And I open the door, it’s a small bathroom, open the door to go take a shower, and there’s a guy coming at me. And when I tell you all the things I’m about to tell you, when I tell you all the things I’m about to express, these things that go through your head, there’s no time, all these things went through my– But it was like that, instantaneous, how I had to react in this. And we’re– It’s just on the second floor, immediate like, who is this guy, how did he get there, did he climb up, did he come through the window, was he waiting, he’s been waiting there for like 20 minutes? ‘Cause it’s been 20 minutes. When did he fucking get there, who is this guy? And he’s coming– he is coming at me double time. This guy’s coming at me like this with purpose. Looking me right in the fucking eyes. And he’s coming at me, and he’s naked. He’s naked and he’s… And I’m like, “Who’s this fucking crazy naked motherfucker in the upstate naked bathroom killer guy? What the fuck is going on?” And I’m the line of defense between… it’s me and my wife who’s downstairs, you know, in front of the fire with our shitty dog. And then– and I’m… and I’m it. I’m it. And this fucking crazy motherfucker’s coming at me, and I do not have time to process that it’s my own reflection coming at me. And… And this is how I reacted to imminent danger, all right? As the protector of my wife and myself. This is what I said. This is who I am. I went, “Oh, come on.” “Oh, come on?” I don’t even know what the fuck that means! I don’t know what I’m thinking! I don’t know what is– What does that mean? That’s who I am? That’s what I’m made of. I don’t know, am I trying to appeal to his sense of creativity or pride? Like, I don’t know what that means! Like, you know, “Oh, come on. Are you really gonna– Oh, you’re stabbing me. Oh, that’s great. Well, that’s been done a million times. Kind of hacky! No, that’s not a pun. I wouldn’t do that. All right. Well, don’t worry about the dog. The dog won’t give you any trouble. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Oh, thank God I’m not a father. I’d be the most useless father. Oh, God, I’m… I’m bleeding out. This is it. This… this is it. Well… at least I’m not in Santa Monica.” All right, Asheville. All right! You guys… thank you, guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. -Thank you, guys. -[music plays] Again, great town. Great club. Orange Peel, thank you to the Orange Peel. Thank all of y’all. You guys are awesome. Thank you. ♪ At the bottom of a swamp ♪ ♪ There was no air But to be clear ♪ ♪ Darkness was all you wanted ♪ ♪ To see the rot in no disguise ♪ ♪ Oh, what a time to be alive ♪ ♪ The scum, the shame The fucking lies ♪ ♪ Oh, what a time to be alive ♪ ♪ Oh, what a time to be alive ♪ ♪ Oh, what a time ♪ ♪ To be alive ♪ [announcer] Yes, indeed, what a time to be alive, ladies and gentlemen, she’s and he’s, they’s and z’s, are you ready to have your funny bones shattered? Are you ready prepared to have your tickle skeletons crushed? I can’t hear you! Seriously, I’m in a recording booth in LA, so I’m gonna assume that you said, “Hell, yeah!” Well, then please welcome to the stage, America’s littlest sweetheart, give it up for David Cross! [cheering] [Cross] Asheville! Late show, Asheville! All right! How are you?

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Emily Heller: Ice Thickeners (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/emily-heller-ice-thickeners-transcript/

Emily Heller compares Donald Trump to Air Bud, answers some FAQs about vegetarianism and recalls telling her personal trainer about her lack of fitness goals. The idea of this event is really simple. I just thought with everything that’s happening in the world with Trump and Harvey Weinstein, and God, who’s that guy who looks like he’s wearing a kids size fake beard? James Toback, just anyway, with all of that, I just thought, I don’t wanna tell my jokes to men anymore, so I’m doing a special that is no men allowed. The idea of liberating my comedy from the male gaze, it’s just so freeing to me. To create this safe space full of just amazing women and non binary people, how do you take that electricity, that singular alchemy out of the room after tonight? I mean, it’s the question that every stand up special tries to answer, which is how do you capture lightening in a bottle? And then once you get the lightening in that bottle, how do you then keep men out of the bottle? Not only do I not want men at the show, I also don’t want them to watch it ever. You know how they did those (phone dinging) Wonder Woman screenings that were… Is it okay if we actually hold? ‘Cause I have to make a quick family emergency related phone call that’s not about this. – [Woman] Yeah. – Yeah. What do you mean? Well, how many tickets have we sold? Well, what the fuck do the woman of Seattle have to do tonight that’s better than this? Well, what are you suggesting? (inhaling deeply) No, it’s fine. It’s fine. I love you. Sorry about that. And action. (beeping) – [Woman] Emily, why did you change your mind? – Why did I change my mind? I just thought that as wonderful as it would have been to cultivate this space for women, wouldn’t it do more good to give men the opportunity to come learn from my ideas, give men the opportunity to get these two for one tickets? They would come and they would see me in charge with a microphone, a woman, that is the real safe space. So that’s the reason, and that’s the real reason. (upbeat music) (Keep On Livin’ by Le Tigre) ♪ You hide inside, so not okay ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ What if you remember more today? ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ The phone rings but there’s too much to say ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ You tell them to go when you wish they would stay ♪ ♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ You gotta keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ You gotta keep on, keep on livin’ ♪ ♪ You gotta keep on ♪ – [Announcer] Please put your hands together for Emily Heller. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) Oh my God, oh, thank you so much. Oh! Seattle, thank you so much for coming out. All right, that’s enough, that’s enough. Oh my gosh, it’s so great to be here. I see some men here, that’s fine. (audience laughing) Either you must be a little confused right now, ’cause for so long I didn’t want you to come and then at the last minute, I was like, actually, I think I might need you here. And for you, that must have been confusing, like am I really welcome? The reason why I know that is ’cause that’s how all women feel in every workplace. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) So, now you guys know. Thank you so much for being here. I don’t know if you can tell from my glasses or everything about me, but I’m not thrilled with the president right now. (audience laughing) Imagine if I looked like this and I was stoked. (audience laughing) What would my deal be? What an interesting person that would make me. I wish I was that interesting. I’m not, I’m just another sad, boring, liberal. (audience laughing) I kind of think Donald Trump is like the Air Bud of American politics. But I also think Air Bud was the villain of that movie. (audience laughing) Right, because imagine for a moment that you are one of the kids on the other basketball team. You’re one of the kids who has to play basketball against a golden retriever in front of your parents. (audience laughing) You’re just a kid who loves basketball, right? You’ve been practicing basketball. You know the rules of basketball. You showed up to the gym that day expecting to play another child at basketball. (audience laughing) That was Hillary Clinton, right? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) She was just like, Put me in coach, for the last 20 years, and we finally did, and as soon as we did, this fuckin’ fluffy dog who has not business on the court comes running out, distracting everybody. He doesn’t know the rules, he can’t know the rules. (audience laughing) He is a dog. He’s traveling like crazy, where’s the ref? And everyone’s just fine with it because there’s nothing in the rule book that says a pumpkin headed racist can’t be president. Let’s write more rules maybe, how about that? That seems like a pretty obvious fix. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Also, I should say, I have not seen Air Bud. (audience laughing) But I feel like I pieced it together pretty well, don’t you? I did write that joke before the election, when this was all still funny to me. I mean, that joke is still funny, but everything else is a waking nightmare. (audience laughing) It’s a very weird time to be a comedian, or an alive person, just generally. But as a comedian, I definitely feel this palpable pressure to have something comforting, or at least coherent to say to you about what’s happening in the world. And I don’t, I’m sorry, I got nothin’. I’ve been performing in a lot of other better countries recently. (audience laughing) You know, I can tell those people are not there for joke so much as an explanation. (audience laughing) I did some shows in Australia right after inauguration and I did an interview with a newspaper there to try and get people to come and see me perform. It didn’t work. (audience laughing) And the only question the interviewer asked me was, what’s it like to make jokes about President Trump? And that was the first time I had heard those two words together, so my response to this reporter was I started crying. (audience laughing) Just on the phone with an Australian stranger. Not one of my travel tips, if you ever go there. Because it’s not funny to me, it’s still not funny. And I understand why people sometimes make jokes when they’re right in the middle of a terrible situation. I get that impulse, I used to live in New York before I moved to LA, I used to ride the subway all the time. Very often when you’re riding the subway in New York, it’ll stop underground in between stations. You have no idea how long you’re gonna be there. People get stressed out, tense, claustrophobic. So I always liked to used to break the tension with a little joke. I’d be like, I mean, I know it’s not the express train, but this is ridiculous, right guys? (audience laughing) And they’d be like, oh my god, that’s so funny, are you a comedian? (audience laughing) And I would say, yes, a very famous one. And then the train would start up again, we’d all get uptown like we knew we were going to. So I get it, I get making jokes when you’re in a bad situation. This doesn’t feel exactly like that, right? This doesn’t feel like we’re just stopped momentarily but we’re definitely getting to the station eventually. This feels more like we all got on a train that we thought was going uptown. And instead of stopping, it very suddenly started going 800 miles an hour. (audience laughing) We’re not even in Manhattan anymore, we are off roading it. We are just plowing through a SeaWorld in New Jersey. Kids are diving out of the way. We’ve impaled an orca whale that was about to be released into the wild after 17 years in captivity. Because we all saw Blackfish and we’re makin’ some changes. But not soon enough, because she is dead now and we are just dragging this whale carcass behind this runaway subway car. And me and all my friends on the train are horrified, and we’re looking around at the other passengers like, Can you guys believe this shit? And they have their backs to us, but then their heads spin around like they’re in The Exorcist. (audience laughing) And they’re like, oh, we actually like the new train conductor, he says what he thinks. (audience laughing) And I’m like, Okay, but he’s not a train conductor, he’s a human toilet, he’s a toilet that a witch put a spell on and now it can talk. I’d rather have an engineer in charge or something. And they’re like, No, no, no, it’s better with a human toilet, it’s about time this train ran more like a haunted bathroom. (audience laughing) I’m like, what’s going on, where are we? Are they’re like, Oh, you’re in real America now, bitch. I hope you like staying pregnant. (audience laughing) I know, and then before I can even say anything to that, there’s a horrible screeching noise because the runaway subway car that we’re all on has found its way onto the tracks of the rollercoaster at SeaWorld. And it has ground to a halt, upside down, at the top of the loppty loop, and that’s where we are right now. (audience laughing) We’re not stopped underground at in midtown headed to the Upper West Side, we are dangling from a fucking rollercoaster in Hoboken and we don’t know if we’re gonna stop off and drop to our deaths or finish the loop and slam into a children’s hospital. (audience laughing) We don’t know. It doesn’t end good either way. And no one can see what’s about to happen because the outside of the train car is still coated in orca blood, so everyone is real quiet. ‘Cause they’re just listening to see if they can hear what’s about to happen, and it just doesn’t feel appropriate for me to break the silence to be like, they call it SeaWorld, but I can’t see anything, can you guys? (audience laughing) You might be relieved, I guess, if you’re a Trump supporter who found their way in here somehow. If that’s the case, all that I ask is that at no point do you make that known to me in any way. (audience laughing) If you would be so kind. But you know what, congratulations on bucking the stereotype and showing up to hear a woman talk for an hour. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) I would be genuinely impressed with your nuance if that’s what happened. I’m not that nuanced myself, I’m very predictable. I am in therapy, anyone else in therapy? (audience cheering) Yeah! Some people here know they’re not perfect, a few of you in deep denial. (audience laughing) I think everyone should be in therapy, everyone should be in therapy. Don’t do it for yourself, do it for your friends. (audience cheering) They don’t wanna hear that shit anymore. If you think you don’t need therapy, here’s what I want you to do. Tell your best friend that you’re thinking about it, see how relieved they look. (audience laughing) That’s all I’m saying. You don’t have to be on the brink of despair to go into therapy, I’m a pretty happy person. I’m a pretty happy person. Sometimes I think I’m depressed, but then usually I just need to take my bra off. (audience laughing) It’s like, oh, that’s what that was. I’m a happy person in therapy, which I recommend. Because I walk in there confident. I walk in there with the confidence that I imagine people who floss have when they go to the dentist. (audience laughing) I’m speculating. Just like, we’re probably not gonna find anything, but let’s take a look, huh? (audience laughing) I don’t think I’m going to therapy to get better so much as I am just waiting for the day when my therapist tells me I’m her favorite client. (audience laughing) That’s all I want. I just wanna show up on day and have her say, Listen, I can’t take your money anymore. Do you wanna just hangout? (audience laughing) I’ll tell you about my other patients. As your prize for being the least crazy. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. I’m tryin’ real hard, I’m suckin’ up, I do all the good therapy things, like, I cry every week right at the beginning. Just to let her know I mean business, I came here to work. Crying is the best thing you can do in therapy and I do it every week right at the top, that’s like starting a song with a guitar solo. (audience laughing) It’s the Carlos Santana smooth of therapy moves. (audience cheering) (audience laughing) Featuring Rob Thomas. And yeah, that’s an old reference, but write a song that rocks harder and I’ll update it. (audience laughing) I really thought I was nailin’ it and then a friend of mine told me that she made her therapist cry recently. (audience laughing) I know, I was like, Fuck, I gotta step it up. Do you like your therapist? – [Woman] I do. – You do, why do you like your therapist? – [Woman] She actually says things in therapy. – She actually says things in therapy? You are holding her to such a low standard. (audience laughing) It doesn’t matter what she says, I just like that she talks. How did you find your therapist? – Actually, it was through a referral of another therapist. – It was through a referral of another therapist. That’s the perfect answer, that’s the only way to go. Some people say they get a referral from their friend, you can’t do that. First of all, which friend do you ask? It’s gotta be someone who’s visibly improved in the time you’ve known them. (audience laughing) ‘Cause otherwise, how do you know? But then you can’t go to the same therapist as your friend. I’ve tried that before, it didn’t work. The whole time I just wanted to be like, Let me tell you what Kim’s real problem is. (audience laughing) I know that bitch is not being honest with you. (audience laughing) I did what you did, I got a referral from another therapist. ‘Cause I didn’t wanna use Yelp. The one thing I know about people who leave Yelp reviews is that they have not received effective therapy. (audience laughing) I got some referrals, I went to their websites thinking maybe the websites will help me chose between them. Their websites, it turns out, were all basically identical. They all had the exact same qualifications, the exact same mission statement. No one was out there being like, I dropped out of middle school and I’m gonna make you crazy. (audience laughing) It was basically the same. There was no dancing baby gifs to help me definitely pick that one. (audience laughing) The only difference I actually found website to website was their picture, so that is how I chose. (audience laughing) I don’t feel good about it, I didn’t have a choice. I became as shallow as the men I am going to therapy to talk about. ‘Cause here’s what’s fucked up, you guys. I went with the pretty blonde lady therapist. Yeah, my natural enemy, why would I do that? That doesn’t even make any earthly sense. How is she gonna understand my problems, right? I’m gonna be like, I’m afraid he’s gonna leave me. I don’t know what that is. (audience laughing) Sometimes I think I might not deserve love. God, it’s like you’re speakin’ Chinese over here. (audience laughing) But it turns out, it was actually a great call. Hot people are amazing at therapy. Because there is nothing I feel guilty complaining to her about, because I just assume her life is better than mine. The last thing I want is a therapist who’s gonna put my problem in perspective. (audience laughing) I don’t wanna think for a second that my life is going better than my therapist’s. If I walked in there and my therapist had an eye patch on or a peg leg, I’d just be like, You know what, I’m good, I’m gonna walk it off. We got bigger questions we need to answer, such is why is this pirate a therapist now? What’s goin’ on in their industry that they’re fallin’ back on their MFTs? This economy is really effecting everyone. That is a joke, but the other day my therapist had a bandaid on and I was like, Should we cancel? (audience laughing) I am a pretty predictable person though, I am a vegetarian which of course means that people like to argue with me a lot. That’s the main thing that means. That’s something about me that people really don’t like, and that makes me sad. I wish they’d take the time to get to know me. I think they’d realize there are a lot of other things about me that are much worse. (audience laughing) The fact that I’m annoying about food is actually one of my better qualities. And I don’t talk about it. I mean, I realize I brought it up almost immediately tonight, but you have to believe me, offstage I do not talk about it because I’ve heard the feedback from you meat eaters and that feedback was shut the fuck up. (audience laughing) And I’ve heard you, I’ve internalized that, I’ve shut the fuck up, but there’s the thing. Sometimes when people hear me order at a restaurant or something, they find out I don’t eat meat, they actually have a lot of questions about it, and that’s confusing to me because on the one hand I know I’m supposed to shut the fuck up, but then on the other hand I usually answer direct questions that are asked to my face. It’s this weird thing about me. And I’m tired of that happening, so what I decided to do is I’m just gonna answer all the questions onstage, right now, so no one has to ask them ever again. There’s only three questions that people usually ask, it’s the same three questions all the time. The first question people always ask is why, and that’s personal, but I’ll tell you. My reasons are probably the same as everyone else’s. I just love farting. (audience laughing) I love to fart, vegetarianism makes that possible for me. I don’t know if the meat was acting like some kind of cork, I’m not a scientist. (audience laughing) But it’s working out. The second question people always ask is, where do you get your protein? Like that’s not a creepy thing to ask someone you barely know. (audience laughing) That is not information that I owe you. I don’t think I’d mind that question so much, it’s just that no one who’s ever asked me that has been healthy. It’s never people with a gym membership who are asking me where I get my protein. It’s always people who only know where they get their protein and don’t know where they get any of their other nutrients. And I’ll answer that question, but I don’t like to, ’cause the honest answer is I get my protein from hemp powder. I don’t like telling people that. (audience laughing) Because if there’s one thing I know is more annoying than someone talking about being a vegetarian, it is a white person explaining the many uses of hemp. (audience laughing) I don’t know which conversation I wanna be in less, honestly. And then the last question people ask, it’s always a hypothetical. I think to try and figure out exactly what it would take to get me to eat meat again, they all think they’re gonna crack it. It’s always like, okay, but like, what if you were in the woods and you had no food, would you eat a deer? I’m always like, what are you planning? That is the most terrifying question I’ve ever heard and multiple people have asked me that. And of course the answer is yes, I would eat a deer, but can we maybe back up, just like a couple steps and talk about how I ended up in the woods without my cellphone? (audience laughing) That doesn’t sound like me. Something big went wrong and I don’t understand why we’re just glossing right over it and getting to these pretty unimportant questions about my new life. (audience laughing) Also, just to clarify, in this scenario, I’m athletic enough to hunt and kill a deer. (audience laughing) Fuck yeah, I’m eatin’ that thing. This is a parallel universe we’re talking about. I’m not even sure morality exists on the planet you just described because I know gravity doesn’t. (audience laughing) I’ll let you guys all in on a little secret, it does not take that much to get me to eat meat again. It really doesn’t, all you have to do is put the pepperoni under the cheese and not tell me about it. (audience laughing) Not only will I eat it, I will spend the next month talking about how that’s the best pizza I’ve ever had in my entire life. (audience laughing) Cannot put my finger on why. I know I need to work out more than the zero I have been. It’s very hard for me to motivate though because as soon as I put on workout clothes, I feel done. (audience laughing) I’m already cos playing as an exerciser. (audience laughing) I don’t need to take the fantasy any further than that. The only reason why I wanna workout is so my pants will fit. If you get me in spandex, we did it. (audience laughing) Mission accomplished. Plus, once I’m wearing workout clothes, I never wanna leave the house. ‘Cause I know how I look in them, it’s an indoor look. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a beautiful body, I just kind of think only fit people can look good in workout clothes. It’s a broken system, there’s no way in for me. (audience laughing) And it’s not because they’re hotter than me, we all know they aren’t. It’s just that only fit people look self actualized when they’re wearing workout clothes. You see a person in workout clothes, you think, oh, she’s doing what she wants to do with her life. You see me in workout clothes, it’s just like, oh, someone had a talk with her. (audience laughing) Probably a doctor. Everyday is January 2nd for me in workout clothes. I cannot look like I’m having a good time. And I don’t like the idea that someone might be looking at me wearing them thinking, oh, she’s trying to better herself. So that’s why when I do workout, I just wear a hospital gown. (audience laughing) ‘Cause I don’t want people to think that I’m trying to better myself, I want them to think I’m already beating the odds. I think in a true sign of the apocalypse, I joined a gym last year. I joined for what I actually think is a pretty unusual reason. I joined because at the age of 31, I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. Maybe soon I’ll get my braces off, get my period, who knows. (audience laughing) But I’ve been reading more about it, in short spurts. (audience laughing) And it turns out that one of the things that is supposed to really help with ADHD is regular exercise, which was devastating news. (audience laughing) Because I know empirically I will not workout for the sake of my body, but it turns out I will give it a go for my brain. My brain’s very important to me, it’s where all my Tweets come from. (audience laughing) My brain gives me gifts my body never has. The other day my brain gave me a new theme song for the TV show Frasier, but it’s set to the tune of the theme song for the TV show Friends. Don’t worry, I am gonna sing it. So it’s like, ♪ So no one told you were Dr. Fraser Crane ♪ ♪ Your job is talking on the phone to the insane ♪ ♪ It’s like you’re always stuck in second Cheers. ♪ (audience laughing) So you see. Okay, okay, good, so you guys see why I need to keep this thing at 100%. For your sake. So I joined a gym, my gym membership came with a free personal training session. And I was like, oh, well that sounds like that sucks. But I also don’t know how to do anything there ’cause I’ve never been to a gym before, so I was like, maybe I’ll just use that time to learn how to use the machines without bonking my head, and then I’ll never have to talk to another human being at the gym for the rest of my life. And I told him that plan when I got there, and it wasn’t him, because I didn’t get to choose. And he was like, I totally get it, but first we do need to do a questionnaire about your fitness goals. And I was like, Oh, I feel like it should be clear from that last thing I said that I do not have fitness goals. My fitness goal was to join a gym, and I did that already, so I kind of feel like taking the rest of the year off, if I’m being perfectly honest. And he was like, it’s not that big of a deal. All you have to do is just tell me what it is you’re hoping to get out of this. And I was like, Okay, I guess I would like to improve my posture, my stamina, my general energy level. And he goes, Okay, great, and your goal weight? And I was like, Oh, not applicable. And he was like, You don’t wanna lose weight? And I was like, No, I do not. And he got this look on his face that told me that what he was thinking was, but I can see you. (audience laughing) But here’s the thing you guys, I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t trying to be snarky or cram my feminism down his throat. I’m genuinely not interested in losing weight. That’s not why I walked in there that day. Nothing against you if that’s something you want. I think I used to want that when I was younger, and then what happened was I gained 40 pounds and then I started making a lot of money and having a lot of sex. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) And okay… I’m not saying the weight is why that happened, but I also don’t wanna jinx it. (audience laughing) And what would I stand to gain by getting skinny at this point? Just being too hungry to enjoy the money and the sex. I’m trying to buy some butter and lick it off a dude. (audience laughing) So I don’t wanna lose weight. And he goes, but, what are your fitness goals? I was like, posture, stamina, energy. I’m committing to it now. And he goes, And you don’t wanna lose weight? And I was like, No, I do not. And he goes, but you have to be specific with me about your fitness goals. I was like, Oh, I’m sorry, leg posture. (audience laughing) Butt stamina, hand energy, is that specific enough? I have ADHD, I really can’t sit here that much longer. And he goes, Okay, but like, looking in the mirror, there’s nothing you wanna change? I was like, I don’t know, maybe the person I’m talking to right now. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) He goes, Let me put it this way, if you lost weight, would that be okay with you? And at that point, it was clear to me that he was not gonna let me leave there until I admitted to him that I was Slimer from the Ghostbusters. So I decided to throw him a bone. I was like, Okay, I guess ever since I put on weight, I’ve got a little bit more meat in my neck. It’s made breathing a little bit harder than it used to be from certain angles when I’m lying down on the couch. (audience laughing) I guess if that improved, I’d be fine with it. And you guys, he looked so relieved. He just like, Okay, so we wanna lose some weight. And he wrote it down, and the quiz was over. Isn’t that crazy? I’m still so mad about it, you know? I’m not mad at him, he was just doin’ his job. I’m just mad at me, ’cause I missed an opportunity to just walk in there and be like, Oh yeah, my goal weight, this plus like 500. (audience laughing) Yeah, I wanna gain 500 pounds, but I only wanna gain it from here up. (audience laughing) I wanna be like a perfect circle, no neck, neck gone. Just a perfect circle, same size legs. That part’s really important. Basically what I’m saying is I wanna look like the sexy green M&M, can you make that happen for me? (audience cheering) I will not be happy until you can roll me out of here Willy Wonka style, and if you can’t make that happen for me, I will find a gym that can, maybe a Curves. Maybe a Curve singular, ’cause I do just wanna be the one curve, real women have curve. (audience laughing) A lot of times when I tell that story. I can tell there are people in the audience who feel bad for me, and I need you to know I don’t need that. Don’t do that, I need you to know something you guys. I am immune to body shame, I don’t know why. I think it might be a side effect of being immune to all other kinds of shame. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Someone said to my face the other day, you look tired. And I was not offended at all. I was just like, Oh, yeah, that is accurate, I am tired. I’ve actually been tired everyday since I was 14 years old. Yeah, I wake up tired, I got to bed tired, I get middle of the day tired. I probably get tired while I’m sleeping, I just don’t know about it. (audience laughing) Obviously the fact that you’re telling me that I look tired to you, all that tells me is that at some point in our relationship I didn’t look tired to you, and I don’t know how I pulled that off. That’s incredible, this is not an insult today. This is just a compliment that took a few months to get here. (audience laughing) But better late than never, I’m not a go getter either, take your time. I think I’m trying to be more okay with other people’s rudeness so that I can in turn be rude to others, right? I’m being the change I want to see in the world. (audience laughing) Because the world is ending, we don’t got time. I don’t have time for politeness anymore. I don’t have time for small talk. I don’t have time for icebreakers. I’m only interested in ice thickeners right now. Global warming, we need it, right? An icebreaker is like, Oh, when did you get married? And ice thickener is like, Oh, why did you get married? (audience laughing) Don’t act like you’re not more interested in the answer to that question. It’s a better question, why am I not allowed to ask that? I know when you got married. I’m on Facebook, I’ve looked at all the pictures already. The whole point of us talking face to face is so that you can tell me the shit you’re not allowed to put online. Did you think you were pregnant? (audience laughing) That’s all I wanna know. Are there any parents here tonight? (audience applauding) A few, a few tired claps. How many kids do you have? – [Woman] One. – One, how old is your kid? – [Woman] Nine and a half months. – Nine and a half months, and it’s going good? – Yeah, yeah, he actually sleeps. – He actually sleeps, okay. I like that that’s people’s answers for like, It’s going well, sometimes they’re unconscious. (audience laughing) Just objectively, a bad hobby is when it’s going well, you’re not really doing it, you know what I mean? I’m sorry, I’m not very natural at crowd work about children because I’m not interested in them. (audience laughing) I don’t wanna be a mom, is that clear? I don’t wanna be a mom, I do really wanna be a grandma though. Is there a way I can make that happen? Do I need to adopt a pregnant teenager? Put me on the list. I just feel like being a grandma is the only way I’m ever gonna be considered cool. Like, I’m not cool now, I shush people for fun. (audience laughing) I love rules, I love bedtime, I don’t really go to parties. When I do, I smoke a little bit of pot, I go home at 9:00. But here’s the thing, if you’re a grandma and you do that, that’s pretty cool, right? (audience laughing) That’s a cool grandma, you see what I’m saying? That’s a low bar, I can clear that bar. That rule doesn’t apply to moms though. It’s a double standard. If you’re at a party and a mom starts rapping, everybody’s like, Shut up, Mom! (audience laughing) But if a grandma starts rapping, you’re like, Oh shit! (audience laughing) That’s about to pop off. It’s not fair, if you’re a mom, you’re not allowed to just quit your job and cover your body in tattoos, and drop a bunch of molly, and go on a fuck rampage across Italy. (audience laughing) But if you’re a grandma and you do that, you get a book deal. (audience laughing) How is that fair? A mom gets arrested, a grandma, Hellen Mirren plays her in the movie. (audience laughing) What kind of fucked up curse is that where not until your kid has a kid do you get to do cool shit. No wonder your parents want you to give them grandkids so bad. No wonder they love those grandkids more than their own children, they’re the ones who broke the curse. (audience laughing) And set them free to go fuck Italian guys. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Glad you guys all enjoyed picturing your parents fucking an Italian guy. You wanna hear something weird? You guys were all picturing the exact same Italian guy. I don’t know how I know that. (audience laughing) I do have a boyfriend which is fine. (audience laughing) It’s fine, it didn’t fix it. I mean, everyone acted like that was gonna fix it. It didn’t fix it, it’s fine. There are some things that are better about being in a relationship. Seesaws. (audience laughing) Oh my god, so much better with another person. That is like night and day. And that’s it. (audience laughing) No, sex is good with another person. But it was pretty good when it was just me. I’m not gonna act like that wasn’t tight. I knocked it out, you guys, sometimes still do. We got any masturbators here? (audience cheering) Thanks for takin’ a break, comin’ out. (audience laughing) I appreciate your sacrifice. Let’s all just do one of these while we’re here. (audience laughing) I love my boyfriend. (gagging) Oh god, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I have to say that for the joke, but I also want you to know that I am sorry. I love my boyfriend, I’ve told him so. I definitely told him that I loved his dick first. And then about three months passed and then I said it to the rest of his body. (audience laughing) That’s weird, right? What happened in those three months? I guess some ambiguity got cleared up that I never felt about his penis. His penis, I was like, yep, for sure. And then him, I was like, let’s hangout a few more times. (audience laughing) I have follow up questions. My boyfriend loves that joke. He’s always like, Are you gonna tell the joke about how my dick is good? (audience laughing) I’m like, It’s not a joke about how your dick is good. It’s a joke about how I wasn’t sure you’re not a serial killer. (audience laughing) I’m never sure, I’m always so cautious at the beginning of a new relationship. Just because everyone I know is dating the worst person I’ve ever met. (audience laughing) Anyone else here know someone who’s dating someone horrible? Yes, you’re being a little quiet about it. Are you here with them? I get it, you can never say a word. And I don’t trust myself not to be that person in the terrible relationship. I know for a fact I’m that person. I dated a guy who went to mime school for two and a half years. (audience laughing) And he broke up with me, I didn’t even get out of that on my own. He broke up with me before he graduated. (audience laughing) And I still went to his graduation. Because I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to be supportive, go watch him accept that invisible diploma. (audience laughing) And I was talking to my best friend on my way over there and she was like, Emily, don’t go to that. You know his new girlfriend’s gonna be there, don’t you think you’re gonna be jealous? I was like, you remember I said I’m going to his mime school graduation, right? (audience laughing) I think my jealousy’s gonna be under control. I don’t think I’m gonna be sitting there looking at her goin’, Oh, you lucky bitch, I wish I was takin’ that striped mother fucker home tonight. No, listen, if you want to get over someone, and I mean like really thoroughly get over them, go to their mime school graduation… (audience laughing) If you get a chance, that was like getting an hour long pat on the back from a white gloved hand. (audience laughing) Just gently saying to me, You are better off. Well, not saying it. (audience laughing) It took all my strength too not to just shout out in the middle of the whole thing, Hey, why don’t you do the one where you’re a… trapped in an unhappy relationship. (audience laughing) Why don’t you do the one where you’re… Stringing someone along for two and a half years. You’re good at that one. (audience cheering) Thank you. I’ll accept your applause. A lot of work went into that joke. A lot of work, not just writing it or practicing it, or honing it in front of audiences. It was the two and a half years of dating someone who wasn’t even a mime yet. (audience laughing) You’re like, I’ve earned an applause break on that one, that’s all. All that is to say I’m cautious now. But the signs are good with my current boyfriend. There are no red flags, he’s friends with all his ex girlfriends, which I actually take as a great sign. It means he didn’t serial kill them. (audience laughing) They’re all still around, walking, talking, vouching for him. That’s important to me. Honestly, the only thing I don’t like about that is I do think that sets a very unfair precedent for me for how mature he expects me to be when we break up. And that is not gonna happen, I am going to burn his house down. I don’t care if he breaks up with me or I break up with him, I am burning it to the ground. I love him, he’s so nice, I’m burning it to the ground. We just moved in together, I don’t have a back up plan on where to live. But I do have renters insurance. (audience laughing) I’ll be honest with you, I don’t understand how people stay friends with their exes after a breakup. It’s like, why would you wanna stay friends with the one person who knows what’s really wrong with you, right? Put the person on a rocket ship to the moon, I don’t need to see them ever again. I definitely don’t need them hangin’ around in my life, ready to warn all the new people I’m tryin’ to trick. (audience laughing) That’s not a liability I can afford. I’m not that good of a person. My boyfriend and I, we did move in together. We’re also not planning on ever getting married or having kids, so this is it, we did it. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) It’s very anticlimactic. Like, have you ever fallen asleep on an airplane and then woken up as it’s landing? Like, oh, are we here? That’s how I feel in my relationship everyday. (audience laughing) It’s great, but it is literally unceremonious. There will not be a ceremony. And it’s weird that I’m gonna be calling him my boyfriend forever. ‘Cause I’m not gonna break up with him, he’s definitely not gonna break up with me. He’s heard that last joke. So that means that if all goes to plan, at some point, I’m gonna have a 70 year old boyfriend. He’s 68 now. (audience laughing) But like, I already feels childish to call him that, but there aren’t really good alternatives. I want people to take our relationship seriously. Boyfriend doesn’t communicate that, but I’m not gonna call him my partner. We’ve never played tennis or closed a deal. (audience laughing) We’re not that active. I’m not gonna call him my lover, that doesn’t tell people we’re committed, it just tells them we don’t use condoms. (audience laughing) Soulmate I actually like, it’s very spooky, very Halloweeny, I like that. But the problem is, I don’t think it applies to us. I don’t think he’s my soulmate. I’m sorry if that makes you sad. I just kind of think in order to be soulmates, you have to at least have the same opinion about Star Wars, and my boyfriend’s opinion is that it’s not that boring. So, oh my god, we are not soulmates because those movies are so boring, oh my god, oh. And if this is the point in the show where I’ve lost you, good riddance, nerd. (audience laughing) Oh my god, I don’t care. I will die on this hill. I met my boyfriend online, that’s where I do all my shopping. (audience laughing) I have Amazon Prime too, so it was like two days, so fast. I’m kidding, of course, it took forever and I met a million monsters, it was the worst. It was like trying to meet Super Mario, it was just like monster after monster after monster. Just like, turtle, mushroom, lizard, just like over and over and over again, until I eventually found the princess. I call him princess now, he’s fine with it. Are the nerds back? Anyway. (audience laughing) I think the weirdest reaction that I get though is when I introduce my boyfriend to one of my friends and they find out that we met online, they’re always like, You met him online? He’s so normal, you won the lottery. I’m always like, How dare you? Because I did online dating for years before I met him. Winning the lottery takes one day, no skill. That analogy does not properly honor my resilience. Do you have any idea how many men’s opinions I had to listen to before I met him? (audience laughing) How many conversations I had about Quentin Tarantino? It was just one conversation, but I had it a hundred times. (audience laughing) And it ended the same way every time, with me saying, Yeah, I haven’t seen that one either. (audience laughing) And that’s just once you get to the date. Before the date there’s the profiles and the messages. When you are a straight woman online dating, you just have to read a bunch of personal essay by unaccomplished men. (audience laughing) It’s the worst book club you’ve ever joined. (audience laughing) Not one of them has done a single thing to earn a minute of your attention. So no, I didn’t win the lottery, that doesn’t describe my experience. What happened was I ate at a restaurant that gave me food poisoning everyday for years. And then one day I tried the pasta and it was fine. (audience laughing) And I was like, Oh, I guess this is what I’m ordering now. I might get bored of this eventually, but I cannot risk it on another menu item… (audience laughing) At this point in my life. I don’t want you guys leaving here thinking I hate men. I want you leaving here knowing it for sure. (audience laughing) And you know, usually I feel like I need to justify that further, but you read the news, you get it. (audience laughing) But the truth is, I feel like I escaped from online dating relatively unscathed compared to other people. I never got harassed, I never got assaulted. Only one guy I went out with ended up being a DJ. (audience applauding) I know you guys believe me, but sometimes there are people who don’t. And so I always feel the need to back up what I’m saying with some evidence. So I did bring a little bit of an exhibit A, just in case you were wondering what we’re really up against out there. I’m gonna read to you a real message that I got on the dating website OkCupid. Yeah, the women know what’s coming. (audience laughing) I’m not gonna preface it because I don’t know how to. (audience laughing) I’m just going to tell you that this real. I know I have to say that because people have come up to me after shows and been like, Oh my god, how did you come up with that? No. (audience laughing) I wish this didn’t happen to me. This is a real message that a human being sent to me, another human being, on the dating website OkCupid. Hello Ma’am. (audience laughing) Okay, I feel like we’re all in agreement about that being like a rough start, yeah? It’s somehow both polite and so rude. (audience laughing) Hello Ma’am, great pics, I love it. Can I be your errand boy or human dog? (audience laughing) I am good with content writing, designing basic websites, doing a bit of photography, video editing, house cleaning, doing errands, light cooking, and I am also fine with racial humiliation, et cetera. (audience laughing) Okay, so I don’t know about you guys, but for me personally, racial humiliation is the only item on that list where I don’t know what an et cetera means after it. (audience laughing) And it’s the only one that got one. He could of put that etcetera anywhere else in that paragraph, I would have been fine. Designing basic website, etcetera. Okay, he knows HTML, maybe a little bit of Photoshop, I get that. By the way, I’m not okay with racial humiliation. There is no way I’m cool with the et cetera that comes after it. (audience laughing) Unless it stands for apologizing for the racial humiliation. I don’t like the way he phrased that either. I am also fine with racial humi. Like I brought it up. (audience laughing) Like that’s my deal breaker we’re negotiating on. I’d also just like to point out none of these are things a human dog would do. (audience laughing) He promised me human dog, why is he offering to write me content? (audience laughing) He should drink out of a bowl with his tongue. That’s all I’m saying. (audience cheering) The next paragraph is just a marvel of the English language. I have lived in LA for two years, but now I am back and want to move back to LA. (audience laughing) Where do you live, Bro? I mean, I know it’s a van, but where is it parked? (audience laughing) I can probably get a job. (audience laughing) Women love confidence, he knows this. I can probably get a job and you can control my paychecks and money. (audience laughing) Please consider, GK. So I wrote him back. (audience laughing) What, am I not gonna write him back? Do you guys wanna hear what I wrote him back? (audience cheering) Do you guys wanna hear what I wrote him back? (audience cheering) Okay. Okay. Hey Man, I’m in. Thank you, Seattle, it’s been so great being here. (audience cheering) Have a great night. (upbeat music)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-sticks-stones-transcript/

Sticks & Stones is Dave Chappelle’s fifth Netflix special. In the promotional trailer Morgan Freeman narrates as Chappelle swaggers across a salt flat in leather pants, aviator shades and a remarkably long t-shirt. [Morgan Freeman] This is Dave. He tells jokes for a living. Hopefully he makes people laugh, but these days it’s a high stakes game. Hmm, how did we get here, I wonder? I don’t mean that metaphorically, I’m really asking: how did Dave get here? I mean, what the fuck is this? But what do I know? I’m just Morgan Freeman. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is if you say anything… you risk everything. But if that’s the way it’s gotta be—okay, fine, fuck it! Ahahah, he’s back folks! Sticks & Stones streamed August 26, 2019 on Netflix. “TELL ME SOMETHING’ YOU MOTHAFUCKAS CAN’T TELL ME NOTHIN’ I’D RATHER DIE THAN TO LISTEN TO YOU…” —KENDRICK LAMAR, PULITZER PRIZE WINNER “I KNOW REAL N*GGAS HAPPEN TO LOVE IT” —SHAWN CARTER (BILLIONAIRE) ♪ I was dreaming When I wrote this ♪ ♪ Forgive me if it goes astray ♪ ♪ But when I woke up this morning ♪ ♪ Could’ve sworn it was Judgment Day ♪ ♪ Sky was all purple ♪ ♪There were people running everywhere ♪ And this is the bar of the whole song. Prince say… ♪ Trying to run from my destruction ♪ ♪ You know I didn’t even care ♪ Good people of Atlanta, we must never forget… that Anthony Bourdain… Yeah! …killed himself. Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job that show business ever produced. This n i g g a flew around the world… …and ate delicious meals with outstanding people. That man with that job hung himself in a luxury suite in France. ♪ They say 2000-zero-zero ♪ ♪ Party over, oops, out of time ♪ ♪ So, tonight I’m gonna party ♪ ♪ Like it’s 1999 ♪ I knew a n i g g a in high school that was an urban genius. This motherfucker’s grades was so good, he got all the way from the hood to an Ivy League school with a full scholarship. From there, the motherfucker got himself into one of the best law schools in the country. And when he was in law school, he met a woman and they fell in love. And they were gonna get married. I remember him telling me about it. He was home for Christmas, and I told him, I said, “My man, my man… save that bitch for late in your life.” But he’s in love. He didn’t listen to me. He married her while he was in law school, and sadly, they got divorced, while he was in law school. He was a street n i g g a from the hood. This man had nothing… and that bitch took half of that. And then, I just never saw him again for years, and then, two years ago, I was home in DC doing some shoppin’, tryin’ to buy my sons some socks at Foot Locker. I go to Foot Locker. Guess who’s the manager? That n i g g a. Dressed like a referee, the whole shit. This motherfucker is 45 years old! We went out drinking that night just tryin’ to catch up, and… and he told me. He said he’s been living with his mother for, like, ten years, just trying to get back on his feet. But that’s not the point of the story. The point of the story is… never occurred to this n i g g a to kill himself. He’s alive and well in D.C. I even suggested to him that he should try it out. Like, “I don’t know, maybe…” Nobody’s life is perfect. No matter what it looks like from the outside, you don’t know what the fuck’s going on inside. I have a great life, but it’s not a perfect life, but it’s good. It’s… My shit’s like an above ground pool. You ever seen one of them? It’s a pool. So, in that spirit, tonight I thought I’d start my show a little differently. Tonight I’m gonna do something that I’m not particularly good at but that I like to do. Tonight I’m gonna try some impressions out. I only got two. Aight, the first impression’s kind of dumb, but I like it. This… This is my impression, you ready? This is my impression… of the Founding Fathers of America… when the Constitution was being written. You ready? Here it goes. Hurry up and finish that Constitution, n i g g e r. I’m trying to get some sleep. It’s not bad, right? All right, the next one… The next one’s a little harder. I want to see if you can guess who it is I’m doing an impression of. All right? Let me get into character. You gotta guess who it is, though. Okay, here it goes. Uh, duh. Hey! Durr! If you do anything wrong in your life, duh, and I find out about it, I’m gonna try to take everything away from you, and I don’t care when I find out. Could be today, tomorrow, 15, 20 years from now. If I find out, you’re fucking-duh-finished. – Trump. – Who… Who’s that? – Trump – Trump. That’s YOU! That’s what the audience sounds like to me. That’s why I don’t be coming out doing comedy all the time, ’cause y’all n i g g a s is the worst motherfuckers I’ve ever tried to entertain in my FUCKING life. Ugh. I’m goddamn sick of it. This is the worst time ever to be a celebrity. You’re gonna be finished. Everyone’s doomed. Michael Jackson has been dead for ten years and this n i g g a has two new cases. And if you haven’t watched that documentary… uh, then I’m begging you, don’t watch it. It’s fucking gross. I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears for four hours straight. Really nasty shit. I don’t want to know all these things. Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long gander at the anus. They said he stares at people’s buttholes. That’s what they said. That’s how gross the documentary was. I’m gonna say something that I’m not allowed to say. But I gotta be real. Uh… I don’t believe these motherfuckers. I do not believe them. But… let me qualify the statement. I… I am what’s known on the streets as a victim blamer. You know what I mean? If somebody come up to me like, “Dave, Dave, Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna.” I’ll be like, “Well, what did she do?” “Dave, Michael Jackson was molesting children.” “Well, what were those kids wearing at the time?” I don’t think he did it. But you know what? Even if he did do it… You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Eh… I mean, it’s Michael Jackson. I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives. But it wasn’t no goddamn Michael Jackson, was it? This kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop. All we get is awkward Thanksgivings for the rest of our lives. You know how good it must’ve felt to go to school the next day after that shit? “Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?” “How was my weekend? Michael Jackson sucked my dick! And that was my first sexual experience. If I’m starting here, then sky’s the limit!” I know it seems harsh, but, man, somebody’s gotta teach these kids. There’s no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii. He’s gonna want to look at your butthole or something. You know why I don’t believe it? You know why I don’t believe it? Because if Michael Jackson’s out here doing all this molesting, then– then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm? Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him or even around him. Think about that shit. You know… I’m not a pedophile. But if I was… Macaulay Culkin’s the first kid I’m fucking, I’ll tell you that right now. I’d be a goddamn hero. “Hey, that guy over there fucked the kid from Home Alone. And you know how hard he is to catch.” ♪ My mind’s telling me, “No” ♪ – Oh! R. Kelly! Well, okay. R. Kelly is different. I mean, you know, if I’m a bettin’ man, I’m gonna put my money on “He probably did that shit.” I’m pretty sure he did that shit. You know, it was bad, okay, so a couple years ago, I was doing a show in Detroit. And I’m sitting backstage in my dressing room and a friend of mine comes by, this chick, Dream Hampton. Dream, uh, tells me, right before I’m going on stage, she goes, “Dave, I’m working on a documentary about R. Kelly. “Would you like to be in it?” And I was like, “Nah, bitch, I’m cool.” I went onstage, I just forgot about the shit, and then two years later, the documentary comes out, Surviving R. Kelly. And when it comes out, Dream’s promotin’ shit and she keeps bringing me up. She said, “I asked Dave Chappelle to be in my documentary, and he said it was too hot for TV.” Bitch, I did not say that. That does not even sound like how I talk. “Oh, that’s too hot for TV.” I would never say that shit. But I’m gonna tell you guys why I wasn’t in the documentary. It’s a very simple reason, and, uh, I cannot stress this point enough. The only reason that I didn’t do it was because, and this is very important… I don’t know this n i g g a at all! I don’t know anything! I don’t know anything that they don’t tell me about. I don’t hang out with this n i g g a. Nothing. So what the fuck do I got to be in the documentary for? This guy, R. Kelly, got another sex tape out now. Can you believe that shit? This guy makes more sex tapes than he does music. He’s like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes. “Another one.” Like, damn, n i g g a! That’s a lot of tapes. The new one’s so bad that they didn’t even show it. I’ve never seen anything like this. The prosecutor in Chicago came out in a press conference and read to the media a transcript of a sex tape. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This n i g g a read the sex tape. And it was so bad that R. Kelly sounded guilty in the transcripts. It’s fucking amazing. Sixteen times the girl’s age was mentioned. Isn’t that crazy? This motherfucker is an idiot. He was fuckin’ her like, “Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” She was like, “You like this 14-year-old pussy?” Like, “Oh, yeah, I love this.” I’m like, “Man, you need to shut the fuck up.” You gotta give your lawyer something to work with. You supposed to be on the tape like, “This is the best… 36-year-old pussy I’ve ever had in my life.” Then your lawyer can be like, “Your Honor, clearly my client thought that this woman was 36, as he mentioned some 16 times in the tape.” They gonna know you lying, though, you know what I mean. Everybody knows… no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy. Doesn’t matter what I say. And if you at home watching this shit on Netflix, remember, bitch, you clicked on my face. Celebrity hunting season. Doesn’t matter what I say, they’re going to get everybody eventually. Like, look, I don’t think I did anything wrong, but… but we’ll see. They even got poor Kevin Hart. Can you imagine such a thing? Kevin Hart, let me tell you something. It was… It was Kevin Hart’s dream to host the Oscars. That’s what he told me. And I remember when he told me, ’cause I was thinking to myself, “Well, that’s an awfully strange dream for an African American.” What kind of n i g g a dreams of hosting the Oscars? Kevin did, that’s who. And he did it. Against all the odds, Kevin became the most famous comedian this world has ever seen, and he got the job that only one black man before him had had. He was gonna host the 80th Oscars. And I don’t know what you know about Kevin, but I know Kevin Hart is damn near perfect. As close to perfect as anybody I’ve ever seen. In fact, Kevin is precisely four tweets shy of being perfect. Ten years ago, Kevin had made some very homophobic comments. And I’m not gonna repeat what he said… because this is Atlanta. You know what I mean. I’m sure there’s a lot of gay men here tonight… with their wives. Far be it from me to offend anybody. All right, I’ll tell you what he said. But just remember, these are not my words. These were Kevin’s words. And it was a long time ago. And I’m paraphrasing, ’cause I’m not good at telling other people’s jokes. Okay, Kevin said… that if his little son was demonstrating or-or-or exhibiting, uh, homosexual behavior around the house, that he’d chastise him. He’d say, “Hey, that’s gay.” And then he said he would smash a dollhouse over that child’s head. Ooh, the gay community was furious. And I don’t blame ’em. I got a lot of gay friends. And all of them, 100% of them, all have told me fuckin’ horror stories about the shit they had to go through just to be themselves. Crazy, crazy stories. And in all those stories, I gotta say, not one of them has ever mentioned anything like… their father smashing a fucking dollhouse over their head. ‘Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking. Think about it. You would have to buy this n i g g a a dollhouse to break it over his head in the first place. Does that sound right? Is anybody gonna do that? The gay community was upset, and then they put so much pressure on the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences that they went to Kevin and said, “If you don’t apologize to that community, then you cannot host these Oscars.” And then Kevin said, “Fuck it, I quit.” And then he went on every talk show in America and apologized for six weeks. Kevin fucked up. I understand the mistake he made because I’ve made the same mistake early in my career. This is many years ago, 15 years ago. It was when I was doing Chappelle’s Show. There’s a– Thank you. Thank you. On network television, they have a department that’s called Standards and Practices. This is the department that tells you what you can and cannot say on television. And if you’re doing your job well, you should never hear from ’em. But if you’re making Chappelle’s Show, you’ll hear from these motherfuckers all the time. And remember, this was 15 years ago. I made a mistake. I didn’t even know I’d done anything wrong. I had written a sketch… that had the word… “f a g g o t” in it. So I had to go to Standards and Practices. They call me up. I don’t know why they’re calling me, but I like the lady that runs the department. She’s usually really fair and was one of my favorite people I’ve ever worked with. So she sits me down. We have a nice conversation. She tells me, “Oh, the sketches are great.” I go, “Oh, fantastic. Well, then… well, then, why am I here?” She said, “Because, David, there’s no way… that you can ever say the word… “f a g g o t” on our network. I didn’t know I did anything wrong. I didn’t try to defend myself. I said, “All right. Fuck it, I’ll take it out. Have a good afternoon.” And as I was leaving, it occurred to me. “Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question. It’s just a question. Seriously, I wanna know. Like, wh-why is it… why is it that… that I can say the word “n i g g e r” with impunity… …but I can’t say the word “f a g g o t”?” And she said, “Because, David, you are not gay.” I said, “Well, Renée… I’m not a n i g g e r either.” But, you see, what I didn’t realize at the time and what Kevin had to learn the hard way is we were breaking an unwritten and unspoken rule of show business. And if I say it, you’ll know that I’m telling you the truth. The rule is that no matter what you do in your artistic expression, you are never, ever, allowed to upset… the alphabet people. You know who I mean. Those people that took 20% of the alphabet for themselves. I’d say the letters, but I don’t want to conjure their anger. Ah, it’s too late now. I’m talking about them L’s and them B’s and them G’s and the T’s. People would be surprised. I have friends of all kinds of letters. Everybody loves me and I love everybody. I got friends who are L’s. I got friends who are B’s. And I got friends who are G’s. But the T’s hate my fuckin’ guts. And I don’t blame ’em. It’s not their fault. It’s mine. I can’t stop telling jokes about these n i g g a s. I don’t want to write these jokes, but I just can’t stop! You know, you hear all those letters together all the time. “LBGT, LBGT,” and you think it’s just one big movement. It’s not. All those letters are their own movement. They just travel in the same car together. And… my guess is… Oh! What is this, high school? This n i g g a probably got a babysitter or something. Go and answer your phone, n i g g a. Get that shit out of here. I’m… I’m in the middle of something important. Wouldn’t it be funny if we made fun of him and he’s like, “Ha, ha,” and he went outside like, “Hello?” “Mama’s dead.” “Oh, no!” “Mama’s dead.” That was a weird-timed phone call, wasn’t it? It’s like his phone is gay. Like I was saying… my guess is… the G’s are driving that car. That makes sense to me. ‘Cause there’s white men in the G’s. And these people are trying to get around, uh, discrimination and oppression, and you know how white dudes are. “We know these roads. In fact, we built these roads. “The rest of you, buckle up. We’ll get you to where you want to go.” So the G’s are just driving the car. Of course, next to the G’s in the passenger seat… is the L’s. Everybody likes the L’s, except for the G’s. I don’t know what that’s about. I just know the G’s don’t like them that much. The G’s always say, like, little subliminal digs on ’em. It’s unnecessary shit. It’s not mean, but you know what I mean? They just be like… “I wouldn’t wear that.” And the only thing that breaks the tension between the L’s and the G’s are the B’s in the backseat. That’s right. There you go. Everybody scream out when you hear your letter. If there’s one thing that the L’s and the G’s agree on, is it’s that the B’s are fuckin’ gross. They seem greedy to the L’s and the G’s. You know what I mean? ‘Cause they’re just sittin’ in the back seat like, “Yeah, man, I’ll fuck anybody in this car. What’s going on, man?” And sitting next to the B’s, all the way in the backseat by themselves looking out the window… that’s the T’s. Everybody in the car respects the T’s, but everyone also… resents the T’s. It’s not the T’s’ fault, but everyone in the car just feels like the T’s are making the trip take longer. Anything the T’s say gets on everybody’s nerves. And then, the T’s don’t even say anything bad. They just be in the back talking to themselves. “Hm… “I’m hot.” “Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay? You should roll the window down, you… Bitch, I don’t know what you…” “What? I just said I was hot. Can you pull over at the next exit? I need to use the restroom.” “There is not a restroom for you for four states, n i g g a! Will you just shut the fuck up so we can get where we’re going?” And just when that car can’t get any more tense, the Q’s are a hitchhiker that they pick up on the road. Some white dude in booty shorts just walking in the freeway. The G’s see him. “Hm, that guy might be one of us. Hey, are you okay? You need some help?” And he come over there with them booty shorts, leaning on the window. “Hey, what’s going on, fellas?” Lady. Whatever pronoun makes you feel comfortable in the back. Yeah. I don’t really know where I’m going. I don’t know if I’m gay or I’m straight or whatever. All I know for sure is that, um… I really want to get in this car.” And they make him get in and sit between the B’s and the T’s. I feel bad for T’s. But they’re so confusing. And it’s not all my fault. I-I feel like they need to take some responsibility for my jokes. ‘Cause I didn’t come up with this idea on my own, this idea that a person can be born in the wrong body. But they have to admit that’s a fucking hilarious predicament. It’s really fucking funny. If it happened to me, you’d laugh. Wouldn’t you? That wouldn’t be funny if it happened to me? I think it would be. What if… What if it did? What if… What if I was… What if I was Chinese? But… But born in this n i g g a body. That’s not funny? And for the rest of my life, I had to go around making that face. “Hey, everybody, I’m Chinese!” And everyone gets mad. “Stop making that face. That’s offensive.” -“What?” “This is how I feel inside.”   It’s hard not to write these jokes. It’s hard not to think about it. Even when I watch sports, I’d be thinking about it. Like, think about it. Okay, say… say LeBron James, uh, changed his gender. You know what I mean? Okay. Can he stay in the NBA, or, because he’s a woman, does he have to go to the WNBA where he will score 840 points a game? What does it actually mean to be equal? You know what I mean? Like, if women are actually equal to men, then there would be no WNBA, would there? You would just be good enough to play in the NBA with us. Or, here’s another idea that’s going to be very controversial, you could… shut the fuck up. I’m sorry, ladies. I just… I got a fucking Me Too headache. Y’all is killing me right now. It’s really fuckin’ tough to watch what’s going on. You know, ladies, I said it in my last special, and I got in a lot of trouble for this. I told you, you were right. But the way you’re going about it is not going to work. But I’m biased. I said it. Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine before he died in that terrible masturbation accident. And it was his room. You read the story. He was masturbating in his own room. That’s where you supposed to masturbate. Then he said, “Hey, everybody, I’m gonna pull my dick out.” Nobody ran for the door or nothing like that. They all just kind of hung out, like, “I wonder if this guy is serious.” And he came on his own stomach. There it is. What is the threat? Have any women ever seen a guy that just came on his own stomach? This is the least threatening motherfucker the Earth has ever seen. All you see is shame in their face and… cum dripping down like pancake butter. He didn’t do anything that you can call the police for. I dare you to try. Call the police on him. “Hello? Police, yes. I am… I am on the other line with comedian Louis C.K., and I think that he is masturbating while I’m on the phone.” You know what the police are gonna say in Atlanta? “Well, what are you guys talking about? Mm-hm. Mm-hmm.” They ruined this n i g g a’s life, and now he’s coming back playing comedy clubs, and they acting like if he’s able to do that, that’s gonna hurt women. What the fuck is your agenda, ladies? Is– Is sexism dead? No, in fact, the opposite happened. I said it was gonna get worse, and they said I was tone deaf. But eight states, including your state, have passed the most stringent anti-abortion laws this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade. I… I told you. I told you. I’ll be real with you, and I know nobody gives a fuck what I think anyway. -Uh… I’m not for abortion. -Oh, shut up, n i g g a. I’m not for it, but I’m not against it either. It all depends… on who I get pregnant. I don’t care– I’ll tell you right now. I don’t care what your religious beliefs are or anything. If you have a dick, you need to shut the fuck up on this one. Seriously. This is theirs. The right to choose is their unequivocal right. Not only do I believe they have the right to choose, I believe that they shouldn’t have to consult anybody, -except for a physician… …about how they exercise that right. Gentleman, that is fair. And ladies, to be fair to us, I also believe if you decide to have the baby, a man should not have to pay. That’s fair. If you can kill this motherfucker, I can at least abandon ’em. It’s my money, my choice. And if I’m wrong, then perhaps we’re wrong. So, figure that shit out for yourselves. I mean, really, uh, what the fuck are we doing? I can’t live in this new world you’re proposing. And meanwhile, while we’re worrying about this other shit, look at what’s happening. They just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach. This shit’s happening every week. It happens so much, I’m almost– I don’t care anymore. I came home early from the road. I had a $12,000 suit on, ’cause life’s been going good. And I got home early, and dinner was cookin’. You ever come home when dinner’s cookin’? Doesn’t that smell good? And my son saw me, and he was like, “Dad’s home.” And he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug, but he had chicken grease all over his face, so I stiffed on him, like, “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man. Watch these threads, son. This is an expensive suit. I don’t want you to get that chicken grease all over me.” A-And he was like, “What the f… Chicken grease? Dad, this is duck.” Hmm. A tear came out of my eyes. I never dreamt I’d do so well in life that I’d raise a n i g g a with duck grease all over his face. And we sat down, we just talked about everything. I was telling my wife about how my shows were going, and I told her my trans jokes, and she was like, “Oh, I hate that joke.” And you know why she hates the joke? ‘Cause she’s Asian. But you know what I mean? I don’t make that face at the house, u-unless we’re really fightin’. And me and her, we weren’t arguing, but you know what I mean? She’s like, “You need to stop doing that.” And then, I tried to change the subject. “Oh, how is school going, boys?” And my son’s telling me, “Well, we didn’t have school today, technically.” I’m like, “What… What’s going on?” He said, “Well there was, like, a school shooting drill.” I never heard of this. You know what this is? They have drills that they make kids do, uh, where they practice what to do if somebody comes to shoot up their school. I’d never heard of that before. I was like, “What the fuck?” I had to tell my sons the truth. I didn’t want to tell them this shit. “Son… Son, listen to me. Fuck that drill. If somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up, I’m just gonna be honest with you. You probably gonna get shot, n i g g a. I’m just being real. You got a famous dad. I talk a lot of shit. They gonna be gunning for you, little buddy. Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern, and don’t try to save anybody, son. Do you understand me?” Why would you have kids rehearse for some shit they have no control over? All you’re doing is training these kids to worry. It’s the stupidest drill I’ve ever heard of. And while you’re in there training ’em during these drills, well, aren’t you training the shooter, too? This n i g g a’s in here listening and learning like the other kids. Sittin’ in the back… “So, where are we supposed to meet? Okay.” All right. If you’re a parent, this shit is terrifying. This shit is real scary. All the parents is looking at each other crazy, because we know, as parents, that one of us is raising the shooter. We just don’t know which one of us it is. All we know for sure… is that if you’re a white parent, the chances that it’s you… …it’s exponentially higher than the rest of us. Shooting up school is a white kids’ game. It’s fuckin’ crazy. You know, I hated school, too. It never occurred to me… kill everybody in school? It’s fuckin’ crazy. Just do what I did, n i g g a. Try some things. “Have you skipped school, n i g g a? Skip school! Take a walk and meet some other kids. Fuck school, n i g g a. Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out? N i g g a, that might…” Some scary shit. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I don’t see any peaceful way to disarm America’s whites. There’s only one thing that’s going to save this country from itself. Same thing that always saves this country from itself, and that is African Americans. Right. And I know the question that a lot of y’all have in your minds is, “Should we do it?” Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it. Listen, no matter what they say or how they make you feel, remember, this is your country, too. -It is incumbent upon us… to save our country. And you know what we have to do. This is a fuckin’ election year. We gotta be serious. Every able-bodied African American must register for a legal firearm. That’s the only way they’ll change the law. I hate guns, personally. I can’t stand ’em. Yeah, but I have several. I don’t want ’em, but I feel like I need ’em. Don’t forget where I live. I live in Ohio. And anyone that knows anything about Ohio knows that even the word “Ohio” is an old Native American word. It means, literally, uh, “land of poor white people.” And I don’t know what’s going on down here, but in my experience, uh, poor white people love, and, I mean, they fucking love… heroin. They can’t seem to get enough of it. I didn’t know what I was looking at at first. I was driving, like, “Why are all these white people so sleepy out here?” It’s really bad. Matter of fact, I was coming out of the nightclub the other night in Dayton, and I had parked my car in the alley, and no one was out. I didn’t have no bodyguards or nothing. I was home. I figured everything was fine. And as soon as I open my car door, all by myself, suddenly, uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites just pops out of a trash can. It scared the shit out of me. I screamed. “Aah!” And then, I realized it was a woman. She was fucked up. She was like… “Hey, man. Hey, man. Relax, okay? I’m sick, all right? I need some drugs, man. Please? I’ll suck your dick for five dollars, man.” I was like, “Ick… Two.” Obviously, I’m joking. This opioid crisis is a crisis. I see it everyday. It’s as bad as they say. It’s ruining lives, it’s… destroying families. Sadly, you know what it reminds me of? Seeing it? Reminds me of us. These white folks look exactly like us during the crack epidemic. You know, it’s really crazy to see. And all this shit they talk about on the news about how divided the nation is, I don’t believe it. I feel like, nowadays, we’re gettin’ a real good look at each other. It’s wild, because I even have insight into how the white community must’ve felt watching the black community go through the scourge of crack… because I don’t care either. “Hang in there, Whites. Just say no. What’s so hard about that?” Remember when y’all said that to us? But it’s okay. There’s no grudges. Now you finally got it right. Once it started happening to your kids, you realize it’s a health crisis. These people are sick. They are not criminals. They are sick. Be that as it may, I’m armed to the teeth. First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun. I didn’t want the gun. Remember, though, I’d moved to a farm and I was sittin’ on the porch, and I see a white dude walking across my property, entitled, like he’s supposed to be there. He had a rifle over his shoulder, too. Ain’t that a bitch? I said, “What the fuck is this guy doing on my property?” I was mad as shit, but I was unarmed. So, I ended up just waving to this motherfucker like a bitch. I was just, like… And as soon as he got far enough away, I ran to my car and sped to Kmart. This is in a rural white area. And remember, I was nervous, ’cause the guy was on my property, I’m black, and I was sweating. You know what I mean? And I ran to the gun counter. Black and sweaty, sweating and black, and I looked up and I was like… I looked like a slave or something. I said, “I need a gun. Immediately.” Like that. Just like that. The guy didn’t ask no questions, he just… grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun, handed it to me. I’d never even held a gun before. I’m like… “Well, I need… I need some bullets, too.” And the guy reached under the counter, put two boxes of shells on the counter. He said, “All right, buddy. Which box do you want?” I didn’t know. One box had a picture of some ducks on it. The other box had a picture of some deer. I said, “Well, what’s that box with them ducks?” He said, “Oh, that there’s bird shot.” And then he goes just like this, I’m not exaggerating, he goes, “That won’t kill a man.” He said, “It’ll just pepper him up nicely.” I said, “What the fuck? Pepper?” You know what it means to pepper a motherfucker up? It means that when the shell explodes, hot BBs will shoot out of the barrel of the gun, not killing a motherfucker, but penetrating their skin and shallow flesh. Boy, that’s gotta hurt. Hot BBs? “Aah! Aaaah!” Remember when Dick Cheney shot a motherfucker in the face and he lived? That was bird shot. I said, “Well, what’s that box with the deer on it?” He goes, “Oh, that there is buckshot. That’ll put a hole in a goddamn truck if you wanted to. So, which box do you want?” And he picked the one with the deer up and shook it. I thought he was trying to trick me. I was like, “Do you have a box, uh, with a picture of a white dude trespassing on it? ‘Cause… ….that’s exactly the strength I’m looking for. But I didn’t know that if you’re defending your home with a shotgun, the formula dictates that you’re supposed to buy both boxes. This was not a formula that I was familiar with. It goes like this: there’s six shots in a 12-gauge shotgun. So when you load the gun, you load it like this. First shot, bird shot. Next shot, buckshot. Bird shot, and then after that, gun’s Jamaican. Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot. But you gotta picture it. Okay, like, say I’m in bed and I’m sleepin’, and suddenly, my wife wakes me up. “David. David, wake up!” And I’m like, “Uh, oh. Look who’s come around.” And I pull my dick over the top of my pajamas. And she’s says, “No, I hear somethin’.” I go, “Oh, this bitch.” So I get up out of bed… Uh, grab the gun. I say, “Wait here, baby. I’ll go check it out. Just lock the door behind me.” Oh, my God, she’s right. Right there in the kitchen is a heroin-addicted white and… he’s digging through the change jar by the door. “I work really hard for that change. I gotta do something.” So, first, I rack the shotgun. “Hey, motherfucker!” Click-clack. That’s a test. That click-clack sound will stop a rational human being in their tracks. But, sure enough, this person is not rational. They’re sick on drugs. They’re digging in the change. I gotta act fast. This n i g g a’s almost got $1.50. “I warned you.” Bird shot! And there it goes. Hot BB’s will permeate his yellow heroin skin. Remember, I’m not killing him, I’m just “peppering him up nice.” He lets out a heroin scream. No! And that should be the end of it. But… Uh-oh. I miscalculated. While he’s on the ground screaming, I notice that his teeth are horribly miscolored. That’s not heroin at all, is it? That’s crystal meth. He pops right back up, unscathed. Time for the heavy stuff. Clack-clack. Buckshot! And then, if he got a friend with him, I got one more bird shot left. And I repeat the cycle. After that n i g g a, it’s slugs for everybody. And I’ll be in a kitchen full of dying heroin addicts, saying stupid heroin last words. “You shot me, bro.” “Oh, it hurts, man. It hurts. Ah.” Their last words are always the dumbest words, like… “Why is your dick out?” I’m just afraid of being attacked. It happens to the best of us. Don’t ever forget what happened to that French actor. You know who I’m talking about. Jussie Smollett, he’s a very French… A very famous French actor. Y’all never heard of Jussie Smollett? Jussie Smollett is an actor from France. A-And he became famous on a show called Empire. And one night, he was in Chicago late at night, and was the victim… He was the victim of a racist and homophobic attack. You see, Jussie Smollett is… gay, and he is black, not just French. Oh, it was a crazy story. Apparently, when he’s walking down the street late at night, two white men came out of the shadows, uh… with MAGA hats on and beat him up. Tied a rope around his neck, called him all kinds of n i g g a s and… and… put some bleach on him and ran off into the night. This shit was, like, international news. And everybody was furious, especially in Hollywood. It’s all over everybody’s Twitter feed and Instagram page. “Justice for Jussie” and all this shit. The whole country was up in arms. We was talking about it all the time on the news, and… and, for some reason, uh, African Americans, we were like oddly quiet. We were so quiet about this shit that the gay community started accusing the African American community of being homophobic for not supporting him. But what they didn’t understand is that we were supporting him with our silence. Because we understood that this n i g g a was clearly lying. None of these details added up at all. He said he’s walking down the street in Chicago and-and, uh, white dudes come up to him and say, “Hey, man, aren’t you that f a g g o t n i g g e r from Empire?” What the fuck? Does that sound like how white people talk? I know white people. They don’t talk like that. “Are you that f a g g o t n i g g e r from Empire?” They would never say that. It sounds like something… that I would say. If you’re racist and homophobic, you don’t even know who this n i g g a is. You can’t watch Empire. Black people never feel sorry for the police, but this time, we even felt sorry for the police. Can you imagine if you was a police veteran taking this kid’s police report? “Okay, Mr. Smollett. Please, tell me what happened.” “All right, you… 2:00 a.m. You left the house at 2:00 a.m. It was minus 16 degrees and… -All right. You were walking? You were walking. All right. And… and where were you going? Subway? Sandwiches? That’s when the men approached you? Did you see them? Do you have any– Okay, what did they have on? MAGA hats? MAGA hats on in Chicago? Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett. Frank, come here for a second. Find out where Kanye West was last night.” Such a fucking outrageous story. He said they put a rope around his neck. Has anyone here ever been to Chicago? Yes! All right. All right, so you’ve been there. Now, tell me, how much rope do you remember seeing? Who the fuck is carrying rope? Like, when did you get mugged, n i g g a, in 1850? -Who’s got rope? – Who’s got rope? Man, that shit was awful. So, okay. I’m doing a show somewhere, and I’m on stage, and I was a little drunk, you know. I figured, “Fuck, let me talk about that n i g g a a little bit.” I figured it’d be safe, ’cause, you know, everybody’s phones are locked up… And I went in on this kid. I was talking all kinds of shit. Now, I didn’t know that there was a journalist in the audience. And unfortunately for me, that motherfucker… took impeccable notes. He told everybody everything I said. He was even puttin’ the jokes in the headline. The headline said, “Dave Chappelle Says He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse Over Jussie Smollett’s Head.” I thought for sure when I read that headline, I said, “Well, that’s it for me. I’m canceled.” But lucky for me, that very same day, the Chicago police caught the motherfuckers that actually did it, and, hilariously, they were both, uh, Nigerian. Not only were they not white, they were very, very black. They were Nigerian, which is the funniest shit. The whole story is funnier now. “This is MAGA country, you f a g g o t n i g g e r.” “You f a g g o t n i g g e r.” If… If you’re in a group that I made fun of, then just know that I probably will only make fun of you if I see myself in you. I make fun of poor white people because I was once poor. And I know that the only difference between a poor black person and a poor white person is that a poor white person feels like it’s not supposed to be happening to them. Yeah! Everything else is the same. I know what it’s like to have a cold house. I wasn’t allowed to touch the thermostat growing up without asking my father, and it would be fuckin’ freezing in the house. I’d be like, “Dad, please. Can I please just turn the heat up to, like, I don’t know, 32, n i g g a? It’s really cold.” And my dad would say, “Just put more clothes on, David.” “I got all three of my outfits on, n i g g a. Will you look at me? I’m freezing up here.” And he said, “Just don’t think about how cold you are, David.” And I said this. I didn’t say it to him, but I said it in front of him so he could hear. I said, “I fuckin’ hate being poor.” And my dad got really upset. He didn’t scream or howl. That wasn’t his way. He just threw his newspaper on the floor, and he said, “David, David, David. You are not poor.” He said, “Poor is a mentality.” He said, “It’s a mentality that very few people ever recover from. Don’t you forget it, son. You are broke.” He said, “These are just financial circumstances that I hope to overcome one day very soon.” And I said, “Well, Dad, whatever you want to call this, uh, it’s wildly uncomfortable.” There was a big dance coming up in the middle school. I was 12 years old. I said, “Dad, can I go to the dance?” He said, “Of course you can go. I want you to get out and meet some more kids.” I said, “Great. Uh, it costs three dollars to get in.” And my dad said, “Ooh… Sorry, son, uh… I don’t have it.” I was like, “What the fuck? You don’t have three dollars? Well, then, how are we alive, Dad? Wish I found some way out of this hell! I’d do anything to not be poor. I will show Michael Jackson my anus if I get a chance. I just gotta get out of this hell.” Dad said, “If you want to go to the dance bad enough, I’ll tell you what. There’s some money in the change jar, get the money from there.” I was 12 years old. That’s what I did. I showed up to the dance early. There’s a long line of kids waiting behind me while I’m at the door, trying to count out 300 pennies to get inside. I will never forget this shit as long as I fuckin’ live. Oh, man, you know. If you’ve been poor, you know what that feels like. You ashamed all the time. Feels like it’s your fault. And all them kids was laughing, “Ha, ha, ha, look how poor Dave Chappelle is.” Oh. Like, when I think back at it, that was really the only time in my life that I ever thought to myself, “I should kill everybody at school.” Thank you very much, everybody, and good night. ♪ Got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ ♪ Got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ ♪ I got loyalty, got royalty Inside my DNA ♪ ♪ I got… This is my heritage, all I’m inheritin’ ♪ ♪ Money and power The makin’ of marriages ♪ ♪ Tell me somethin’ ♪ ♪ You motherfuckers Can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I’d rather die than to listen to you ♪ ♪ My DNA not for imitation ♪ ♪ Your DNA an abomination This how it is when you’re in the Matrix ♪ ♪ Dodgin’ bullets, reapin’ what you sow ♪ ♪ Stackin’ up the footage Livin’ on the go, sleepin’ in a villa ♪ ♪ Sippin’ from a Grammy Walkin’ in the buildin’ ♪ ♪ Diamond in the ceilin’ Marble floors ♪ ♪ Beach inside the window Peekin’ out the window ♪ ♪ Baby in the pool, Godfather goals Only Lord knows ♪ ♪ I’ve been goin’ hammer Dodgin’ paparazzi ♪ ♪ Freakin’ through the cameras ♪ ♪ Eat at Four Daughters Brock wearin’ sandals ♪ ♪ Yoga on a Monday Stretchin’ to Nirvana ♪ ♪ Watchin’ all the snakes Curvin’ all the fakes ♪ ♪ Phone never on, I don’t conversate I don’t compromise, I just penetrate ♪ ♪ Sex, money, murder, these are the breaks These are the times, level number nine ♪ ♪ Look up in the sky, ten is on the way Sentence on the way, killings on the way ♪ ♪ Motherfucker, I got winners on the way ♪ ♪ You ain’t shit Without a body on your belt ♪ ♪ You ain’t shit Without a ticket on your plate ♪ ♪ You ain’t sick enough To pull it on yourself ♪ ♪ You ain’t rich enough To hit the lot and skate ♪ ♪ Tell me when destruction Gonna be my fate ♪ ♪ Gonna be your fate Gonna be our faith ♪ ♪ Peace to the world, let it rotate ♪ ♪ Sex, money, murder, our DNA ♪ ♪ Mommy ♪ ♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪ ♪ Mommy ♪ ♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪ By the way… Vanglorious! This is protected by the red, the black, and the green, at the crossroad, with a key, sissy!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Brazil, Corruption and the Amazon Rainforest | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brazil-corruption-amazon-hasan-minhaj/

On this episode of Patriot Act, Hasan breaks down of the growing threats to Brazil’s Amazon rainforest. After a long and welcome decline, Brazil’s deforestation rates have begun to rise again, just as climate science shows how desperately we need the forest to survive. Now, backed by the country’s powerful beef industry, the country’s inflammatory new president Jair Bolsonaro has vowed to exploit Brazil’s natural resources. Standing in his way: the determined indigenous peoples whose domain over the land are the last, best shot for the rainforest — and possibly the world’s climate. * * * Tonight, I want to talk about the Amazon. The one that’s losing half its assets, but not to divorce. When I was growing up, I heard a lot about how the Amazon rainforest needed saving. Sting [Rainforest Foundation, 1989]: This is the rainforest in 1900, and this is the rainforest today. [Mirage Sudios, 1990] Who caused all this damage to the rainforest? Unfortunately, people did. [Wold Wildlife Fund, 1988] ♪ The rain forest. The tropical rainforest. ♪ ♪ Unfortunately, some don’t understand ♪ ♪ Like people coming in And clearing the land ♪ ♪ Tragically this devastation Doesn’t have to happen ♪ ♪ That’s why I’m on the mic here rappin’ ♪ For the record, I am absolutely fine destroying the rainforest as long as that guy lives there. Look, I  always thought that was the weirdest PSA I had ever seen, until I saw the one with Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey: I am the rainforest. I watched them grow up here. They’ve left, but they always come back. Yes, they always come back. That PSA aged so poorly, Kevin Spacey doesn’t even think it’s hot anymore. I know. Hey, you didn’t think you’d see him on Netflix again, did you? They didn’t even reshoot with Christopher Plummer. You had no idea. Now, the reason you probably stopped seeing PSAs about the Amazon and saving the rainforest is because we actually started saving the rainforest. Between 2004 and 2012, deforestation plunged 84%. Yes. It’s shocking. Humans actually stepped up and did the right thing. But let’s not give ourselves too much credit. We didn’t save the rainforest as much as we didn’t fully kill it, but just like Nazis and high-waisted jeans, deforestation is making a comeback. In the last year alone, Amazon deforestation has jumped 13.7%, a loss of nearly 1.2 billion trees. Now, deforestation rates are on the rise, and this couldn’t be happening at a worse time for the planet because when it comes to climate change, we are, and I cannot stress this enough… fucked. Dire new warnings about the effects of climate change. Intense heat, waves, storms. Deadly wildfires, droughts. Ocean dead zones. People are dying. They are dying. You know Fox is gonna use that against her. They’ll be like, “Oh, really? You’re talking about death, even though you’re still alive. Such a hypocrite. Really, AOC?” Now, look, we have to stop messing with the rainforest. The Amazon is home to 10% of all species on Earth. It absorbs 25% of the carbon emissions captured by the world’s forests. The Amazon also produces massive amounts of oxygen and water vapor, which serves as the Earth’s cooling system, which is why the Amazon is often called… The lungs of the Earth. The lungs of the Earth. The lungs of the Earth. I don’t know if you know this, but every part of Earth is actually a body part. The Amazon is the lungs. Canada is the forehead. Iceland is the third nipple. Malta’s the skin tag. England is the birthmark. Italy is not the foot. Australia is the foot. Italy’s the bladder. Germany’s the benign tumor. North Korea’s the malignant tumor. Argentina is the sinus, and Fiji is the prostate. Going there is simply the greatest pleasure you will ever experience. The Amazon touches nine different countries, but to really understand why deforestation is on the rise, we have to look at the country responsible for most of it. Brazil. Now, there are a lot of great things about Brazil. Carnival, Neymar, some percentage of Hailey Baldwin and the Brazilian wax, which is another kind of deforestation. But it’s also very painful. Over the last five decades, almost 20% of the Amazon has been destroyed. Even though Brazil has laws to protect the environment, those laws aren’t always enforced because of insane amounts of political and corporate greed, and I know as an American, we should probably shut the fuck up when it comes to the moral high ground. Americans lecturing Brazil about corruption is like Steve Bannon launching a skin care line. It’s just like take care of… your own shit before you… dive into the whole face… thing. But corruption in Brazil is truly on a whole ‘nother level. Brazil’s last three presidents were steeped in scandals. Dilma Rousseff, impeached for financial misconduct. Michel Temer, charged with corruption. And Lula da Silva, currently in jail for stealing DVDs from a Redbox. I’m just kidding, corruption. And we haven’t even gotten to Brazil’s massive bribery and money laundering scandal called Operation Car Wash. Now I’ll let Fareed Zakaria, aka the original brown John Oliver, explain. Fareed Zakaria: The biggest corruption scandal ever anywhere in the world, $788 million in bribes to various officials, five former Brazilian presidents, nearly one out of three cabinet ministers and almost one out of three senators have been indicted or investigated. This is the country the world is relying on to protect the Amazon. Thank God, America doesn’t have that responsibility. Can you imagine if we were in charge of the Amazon? We would probably tear it down and build a headquarters for Amazon. You just see a bunch of howler monkeys driving UPS trucks with Kindles in their hands. Now, unfortunately, things are going to get a lot worse because of Brazil’s current president, Jair Bolsonaro. He’s a former army captain who answers the question, “What if Carl Sagan wasn’t properly embalmed?” And he’s made it very clear where he stands on the environment. BBC News: Mr. Bolsonaro campaigned to make Brazil great again, to kick-start it’s struggling economy. And he sees the Amazon as Brazil’s cash cow. BBC News: He may open up vast sections of the Amazon rainforest to mining. He said he’s gonna pardon people who have been fined for deforestation. Jair Bolsonaro: After all Brazil does not owe the world anything when it comes to environmental protection. “We don’t owe the world anything” sounds like the chorus to an Eminem song. But Bolsonaro’s stance on the environment doesn’t even scratch the surface of his insanity. Jair Bolsonaro [1999]: I’m in favor of torture. You know this, and the people are in favor of it, too. Jair Bolsonaro [2017]: If it’s up to me… every citizen will have a firearm in their home. Jair Bolsonaro [2010]: If your son starts to become like that, a little gay, you take a whip and you change his behaviour. Jair Bolsonaro [2003, to a reporter]: So now I’m a rapist? I’m a rapist now? I would never rape you because you don’t deserve it. Jesus. Bolsonaro sounds like every last comment before someone is blocked on Twitter. This is why he’s often referred to as the “Trump of the Tropics.” So think of Trump, but with even more tiki torches. Bolsonaro also loves Twitter, and his tweets are insane. The president, who tweeted a video apparently filmed at a carnival event, showing one man urinating on another man in a sexual act. On the plus side, at least Brazil’s seen their president’s pee tape. Now, eventually, “Golden Shower President” started trending online. Bolsonaro then tweeted out, “What is a golden shower?” I love how there isn’t a Portuguese word for “golden shower.” Like, you ever been to another country and then you watch TV and they’re like… [speaks gibberish] “Macaulay Culkin.” You’re like, “Something’s happening with Macaulay Culkin.” Now, as dangerous as Bolsonaro’s policies are for the Amazon, that danger is fundamentally being driven by agribusiness, which is the industry that produces the food that we eat. Agribusiness accounts for almost a quarter of Brazil’s economy and is one of the biggest drivers of illegal deforestation. Brazil is the world’s largest exporter of sugar, coffee, soybeans, orange juice and most importantly, beef. The Amazon is home to millions of species, and the biggest threat to the rainforest itself is this one. Cattle ranching is responsible for up to 80% of deforestation. And to turn the rainforest into grassland, they don’t just cut it down. They burn it down. It’s all about creating new pastures. The Amazon rainforest is being burned down and destroyed. Elizeu takes pictures of the tragedy in order to tell the authorities what’s going on here. Anything that can still move tries to escape the inferno. No no no, don’t worry. That rat goes on to become a chef in Paris. It’s beautiful. Brazil’s beef industry is a huge driver of Amazon deforestation. And it’s dominated by a single company called JBS. They’re the largest meat processing company in the world. Last year, JBS made $46 billion. That’s a double what McDonald’s made. Even more surprising, Brazil only accounts for 24% of their revenue. Their U.S. division generates 76%. That’s $35.2 billion. That’s right, America. Once again, we are fucking shit up. Look, if it’s terrible, we’re probably in the mix. We’re like the raisins of international relations. Like, the rest of the world is like, “We fucking hate raisins.” And we’re like, “Raisins are essential to democracy. Raisins have to be in everything, raisins need to be in Afghanistan for three plus decades.” JBS also happens to be one of the most corrupt companies in the world, which isn’t shocking because for a long time, it was run by Joesley and Wesley Batista. The Batista brothers. Now, come on. Their names are Joesley and Wesley. They look like dudes on a yacht Liam Neeson has to rescue girls from. The Batista brothers are possibly two of the most corrupt people on Earth, and they have history with the Bolsonaro administration. Bolsonaro’s current chief of staff has admitted to taking money from JBS, and in the past, the woman who is now Bolsonaro’s Minister of Agriculture gave JBS tax breaks while also doing personal business with them. The fact that senior members of the Bolsonaro administration are closely linked to JBS is a huge liability because the last president that got entangled with the Batista Brothers was Michel Temer, and it ended horribly. Globo, Jornal Hoje, Sep. 13, 2017: Joesley Batista, owner of JBS, had recorded the president, Michel Temer, in an embarassing conversation. France 24, Aug 2, 2017: In exchange for no jail time, Joesley Batista strikes a deal, providing information about bribing 1,829 Brazilian politicians. The Batista brothers admitted to bribing almost 2,000 politicians, spent roughly $150 million just in bribes and agreed to pay a fine of $3.2 billion, which is almost how much Facebook has to pay for destroying democracy. Shouldn’t it be, like, more? It should definitely be more. JBS’ business practices continue to do environmental damage. They have been accused of buying cattle from illegally deforested land in the Amazon, even though they deny it and investigators recently arrested Joesley Batista again for allegedly bribing officials at Brazil’s agriculture Ministry. If that doesn’t make you sick, their beef just might. JBS bribed Brazilian food inspectors to give passing grades to spoiled meat. And on the U.S. side, their meat isn’t any better. ABC, Dec 4, 2018: A massive ground beef recall is now expanding. The USDA says the Brazilian company, JBS is now recalling more than 12 million pounds of ground beef shipped to stores across the U.S. This past year, JBS beef and chicken from the U.S. were found to have been contaminated with hard plastic, rubber and e-coli. All of which generally cost extra at Chipotle. But even before that, the US had banned all Brazilian beef imports, including JBS, indefinitely. Do you know how bad your meat has to be for Americans to notice? We thought Super Size Me was just a normal movie. No lessons. It actually just made us hungrier. The Amazon has never been more vulnerable. Between political corruption, Bolsonaro’s pro-business agenda and the incentives of agribusiness, the Amazon is going to keep burning. But there is some hope. The strongest blockade against deforestation isn’t more regulation or enforcement or fines, it’s people. Al Jazeera, Sep 27, 2017: The Javari Valley Indigenous Reserve… eight million hectares of Brazilian Amazon, the size of Austria. It’s home to the largest number of non-contacted tribes in the world, photographed only rarely from the air. There are nearly a million indigenous people in Brazil, and almost half of them live in the rainforest. Research shows that when indigenous people have legal and physical protection, so does the rainforest. Now, I know this looks like a map of the only school of vaccinated kids in Orange County, but… it’s actually a time-lapse of deforestation. The red is loggers and ranchers, and that part right there is protected indigenous land, and the only reason they stop is because these tribes are not fucking around. PBS News Hour, Sep. 13, 2018: The Guajajara Indians armed and in full camouflage, crouch down for an ambush. These vigilante patrols began six years ago as a way to battle the region’s powerful logging mafia. They call themselves “The Guardians of the Forest.” The Guajajara are one of 305 tribes that have official demarcated land that is legally protected by Brazil’s Constitution, but it is still a war for them. And look, I know, deforestation has been on the rise well before Bolsonaro, but no modern Brazilian president has ever been this hostile toward the indigenous. Jair Bolsonaro [2017]: There is not going to be a centimeter of land demarcated for indigenous reservations. [Globo News, Central Das Eleicoes, Aug. 3, 2018] Interviewer: You said recently that if it depended on you the Indians wouldn’t have even one… Jair Bolsonaro: …centimeter… Interviewer: …centimeter of land… Jair Bolsonaro: …centimeter, I said it wrong, not even one millimeter. I don’t know, racism sounds weird to me when you use the metric system. I mean, if they’re like, “Build the wall, one kilometer at a time.” I’d be like, I don’t… I don’t get it. Bolsonaro is not just dog whistling to his base. He is barking through a megaphone. On the night of Bolsonaro’s election in October, a hospital and a school on an indigenous reserve were fire-bombed and land invasion, when loggers and ranchers take indigenous land, that has increased 150%. DW, mar. 25, 2019: Protected areas borders are a thorn in the side of many farmers. They want their cattle to be able to penetrate the reserve. Raimundo Nogueira Alencar, Cattle Farmer: First of all, I believe in God and then in the words of our President Bolsonaro. He promised we would soon be able to enter the reserve. The department in charge of overseeing indigenous lands is an agency called Funai. On Bolsonaro’s first day in office, he took that function away from Funai and gave it to the Ministry of Agriculture. Remember? The same government agency that JBS paid off for years. And even now, Brazil’s Agriculture Minister wants to open indigenous land to commercial farming, but indigenous tribes are fighting back to defend their land, and no one has brought more attention to the movement in recent years than Sônia Guajajara. She’s a prominent activist for indigenous rights and was the first indigenous woman in Brazil’s history to run for vice president. So I sat down with Sônia and her translator to talk about her fight to protect the Amazon. Hasan Minhaj: Here in America, we’ve already destroyed all of our forests, and we raise millions of cows. So do we sound like assholes when we say, “Hey, Brazil. Don’t cut down your trees and don’t raise cows”? Sônia Guajajara: Now maybe you have to compensate for what was done here. Because when you cut your forests, it doesn’t harm only you. If you cut it in one place, it harms the entire world. Hasan Minhaj: But you’re saying we’re assholes? Sônia Guajajara: You are saying it and I’m affirming it. It’s true. Look, we’re assholes, all right? I admit it. America, we’re assholes. We still haven’t given Captain America a promotion. I mean… What does a guy have to do to become Major America? Now, for Sônia and her tribe, protecting their homeland gets more urgent every day. Sônia Guajajara: Deforestation, apart from it ending nature and the environment, it provokes a gigantic conflict between indigenous people and non-indigenous people. We already had several cases of indigenous people, guardians of the land, that were assassinated simply because they were defending their land. Last month, tribes from around Brazil gathered in the capital for an annual march to protect indigenous rights and take on Bolsonaro’s policies. Bolsonaro has escalated the fight against the indigenous, but in many ways, he’s just adding to a dark chapter of Brazil’s history. 519 years after the Portuguese set foot in Brazil, it’s the same fight. On one side, are the people who live on the land and want to protect it. And on the other side are the people who see the Amazon as a resource to exploit. In Sônia’s lifetime alone, over 1,400 people have been murdered in Brazil because of land disputes, but she isn’t backing down. Sônia doesn’t just take on Bolsonaro in real life, she trolls him online, too. Hasan Minhaj: How did you get into the meme game? Let me guess, it was your son. Sônia Guajajara: Of course. my son has a big influence. Hasan Minhaj: I’ve seen a lot of your memes. You have the classic Pinocchio Bolsonaro meme, you have the golden showers dog peeing in Bolsonaro’s mouth meme, Sônia Guajajara: Sí. Hasan Minhaj: And then, of course, you’ve got this one. I honestly don’t know what’s happening here. So I wanted to help you with your memes. Is that okay? Sônia Guajajara: Claro. Hasan Minhaj: Okay. So, let me know what you think of these. This says, “When you’re Bolsonaro and you haven’t displaced an indigenous person in eight minutes.” This is Bolsonaro right here, and he’s getting one of those huge veins in his head. Where he’s like… It’s like if he doesn’t say anything about indigenous people, he looks constipated. Sônia Guajajara: I suppose he really would be like that because he talks about indigenous people every day. Hasan Minhaj: How about this one? “You can’t be jailed for corruption if climate change wipes out all the people.” Sônia Guajajara: This one’s not funny. Hasan Minhaj: It’s all good. This doesn’t work. The meme game is a volume business. Everything’s not gonna hit. You’ve seen the girlfriend meme, right? This is the Amazon rainforest. This guy over here, that’s the agribusiness lobby being like, “Oh, damn!” Okay? And this is oxygen, and oxygen’s like, “Hello. We’re together.” Sônia Guajajara: So what? Hasan Minhaj: What do you think of the meme? Sônia Guajajara: I don’t like this one. Hasan Minhaj: All right. How about this? This is Bolsonaro, he’s like, really staring at the Amazon. Super creepy. And the girlfriends like, “God, you’re such a dick.” Sônia, you posted a photo of a dog peeing in Bolsonaro’s mouth… Sônia Guajajara: I think these are good, but they’re not working for me. Alright, Sônia may not like my memes but… I don’t know. I wanted to take a page out of her playbook. I wanted to find a way to troll Bolsonaro and help at the same time. So we thought, “Why not buy a website?” Obviously, goldenshower.com was long gone. Goldenshowerpresident.com was also taken, probably by Michael Cohen. But we were able to get… goldenshowerpresidente.com. Like, how did Bolsonaro’s digital team not beat us to this? It’s just been there the whole time. If you go to goldenshowerpresidente.com, you can donate to organizations that help protect the Amazon and its people. Remember, it’s goldenshowerpresidente, The “e” is very important, because we’re trying to help the rainforest, not get you fired.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones | Epilogue: The Punchline – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-sticks-stones-epilogue-punchline-transcript/

Tacked onto the end of the Dave Chappelle’s Sticks and Stones is a secret 23-minute special called Epilogue: The Punchline. The hidden special consists of Chappelle joking with the audience and inviting them to ask him questions, with the comedian touching on everything from the 2020 US presidential election to the most influential comedians in his life and the #MeToo movement. Well, I have some very bad news for the people in the front rows. I heard that some of you paid as much as $800 for your tickets. Sadly, I did this same show a couple weeks ago in Atlanta… for $60 a head. Can you imagine? N i g g a, you could have flown to Atlanta… got a hotel, had some dinner, and came back and you’d still have a little money left over, n i g g a s. Paid way too much just to see me in this gay-ass neighborhood. All right, let me roll up my sleeves and tell these pussy jokes. Will told me to say there hasn’t been this many pussy references in this room since Cats was here. And when I think back at it, this was probably the only time my life that I ever thought to myself, “I should kill everybody at school.” Thank you very much, New York. Good night. Thank you, guys, very much. Boy… I got to tell you, man. I’ve been doing this set all week, and boy, I’ll be telling jokes and sometimes n i g g a s look like they’re in actual pain over the jokes. Uh, one of it’s that bad to me, but I understand why I could hurt some people’s feelings, so tonight… Tonight I’m going to give you an opportunity that I rarely give anybody. I’m going to let you say whatever it is you need to say to my face. Or ask me whatever it is you want to know, but there are no dumb questions allowed. If you ask a stupid question, you’ll be asked to leave. Just kidding. No, I’m just kidding, go ahead. Everyone relax. Yes, sir, in the front. Two questions: How often do you write? And can I have a cigarette? All right. First, you may have a cigarette, but remember, this is not jail, motherfucker. This lady right here. I have a question. Do you remember this scene? Uh… Oh, I do remember that. Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. That was a terrible question. This gentleman in the front with a salmon-colored shirt on. I was wondering if you had any advice for young comedians that you generally give, and…? Are you thinking of doing comedy? Um… I’ve never done it before, but watching you has made me want to try it. Bring him up! Bring him up! Bring him up! I don’t know if that’s an insult or not. It’s a– It’s a compliment. It’s… I mean, n i g g a s don’t say, “I’ve never done brain surgery, but it looks a lot easier than I thought.” I was… I’m teasing. All right, here would be my advice. Okay, I don’t know how comedians start nowadays, right? But what I would suggest is just start. And, and, and… once you start, you can’t really stop, no matter… what happens, no matter how bad it gets, no matter what people say. You know what I mean? ‘Cause comedy is weird like that. You know why I hate watching other comedians do comedy? Not ’cause I hate other comedians, but because I love comedy so much. It’s like watching somebody else fuck your girl. And I say, “I fuck her better than that.” Yes, you on the aisle up there, the lady with the long… Yes, you, standing up, I see you. What’s your favorite book of all time? My favorite book of all time? The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass. That guy– That guy with the baseball hat. Marry-fuck-kill: Michelle, Rihanna, Oprah? Wait, who’s Michelle? Oh, Obama? Well, sir, you’re putting me in quite the pickle. I can’t… I can’t say I’ll fuck Michelle Obama, that’s insane. Well, I guess… I… I mean, ’cause I wouldn’t kill any of those women. But I’d fuck all three of them. Uh, the gentleman in the blue Oxford, standing up. Tell us a story with Charlie Murphy. Tell a story about Charlie Murphy? Or your favorite. Boy, there’s so many good Charlie Murphy… The thing with Charlie Murphy is he used to just make us laugh all the time. And I used to ask him about all the old Hollywood shit I was curious about, like when they used to accuse Michael Jackson, I remember asking, I go, “Charlie, do you think Michael Jackson actually did those things?” And he said, “Let me ask you a question, Dave.” He said… He said, “Say it is illegal to fuck women. How long are you staying out of jail?” So God bless Charlie Murphy, wherever you are, Charlie. I love him. Who do you think is going to win the 2020 election? All right. I’m going to put a pin in this, but I’ll tell you right now, I don’t know. But I think Trump has a better shot than a lot of people would like to think. I’m just saying, it all depends on how the left talks. The way we’re talking is not going to win the fucking ballgame. Donald Trump’s over on the right, grabbing handfuls of pussy. Joe Biden can’t even smell hair over here, fuck this side. All right, ma’am, go ahead. Thank you so much for this show and… How old are you? Twenty five. Twenty five? Yeah. Boy, don’t let R. Kelly see you, He gonna… He’s going to pee on you by accident. “Oh, my bad. I thought she was 15.” “Yuck.” Um… I’m totally joking. I’m sorry. Um, my question is, um, is there anything you’ve learned from another comedian that you feel like will stay with you for life? I’ll tell you what, miss, that’s a good question. Uh, “Yes” is the short answer. A longer version of it is this: I was raised by comedians. I started doing stand-up when I was 14. The other day I went to a comedian’s funeral and I realized as we was putting this motherfucker in the ground, that these people are at least as influential to me as my family. I rock with these n i g g a s till the wheel falls off. We fight and we fuss, and we get jealous of each other, and we get mad at each other, but my life wouldn’t have been what it was without each and every one of them. And I consider them my family. That’s your answer. My favorite Club in America… is a club in San Francisco called the Punch Line. It’s a very small room. It’s a 200-seat room. And… I was working out the material that was going to be the show tonight. I still hadn’t figured out exactly how to say what I wanted to say, but I was doing pretty good. And I was doing some “Me Too” jokes. And a woman… stood up from the audience, and she was crying. Clearly, it was a white woman. She says… She says to me, she says, “You can’t say that!” It’s a 200-seat room, a very small room, I’m like, “What the fuck–?” Like, “Miss, are you okay? What are…?” She says, “You can’t say that!” I said, “Yes, I can, it’s my show. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want.” The crowd was like, “Ooh!” Like this. Um… And then, she gets up from the table and she starts making a big, like, show, just pushing through the aisles and all this stuff. And there’s, like, a curtain right before the front door and she gets to the curtain, and she’s crying. This is fucking crazy. She says, “I’m sorry I was raped.” It’s a fucking comedy club. That’s like loud farting getting out of an elevator. “Nothing funny can happen in here.” Now I’m trapped in a room with this woman’s fucking stink. And I say… I say, “Miss… Miss… it is not your fault… that you were raped. But it’s not mine either. Ta-ta, bitch.” Like this… She storms out. Now the room is very uncomfortable, but I managed to get the crowd back. But I’m, like, you know, a little traumatized. Same show… there’s a trans woman sitting in the audience. This is a true story, this was like a few weeks ago. I did six shows that weekend. This trans woman came to four of them. Calls herself Daphne. Man, this chick Daphne was in there cracking the fuck up at everything I said about everybody. It was amazing. She was laughing. And it was fun to watch her laugh. You could tell she was letting go of something that was heavy. And she’d throw her head back and she’d smile with all her teeth. She was having a great time. And the more fun she had, I felt bad. ‘Cause I knew… I had some trans jokes to unload. And I thought to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t say these jokes, ’cause I don’t want to, like, fuck her evening up. She’s having so much fun.” But then I thought to myself, “Well, if I can’t say in front of her, should I say this shit at all?” So I let her rip. And to my surprise, Daphne laughed harder at the trans jokes than anybody in the room. In fact, everybody in the room would look at her to make sure it was okay. And… I got off stage, in the dressing room, like, “That was a fucking weird show.” I’m sitting in the dressing room, by myself, trying to figure out, like, “What the fuck just happened out there?” Like, “Why is it that this one woman can’t take any of these jokes and Daphne can take all of these jokes? So weird.” And then I realized… Ah! Daphne used to be a man. So, now, I go out of the dressing room and, like, you can see, like, all the staff was there, like, cleaning the club up, the audience had gone. And sitting at the bar by herself… was Daphne. And she’s like, “Hey, Dave, come join me for a drink.” And I don’t want her to think that I’m transphobic, so I’m like, “Fuck it, I guess I could have at least a drink.” And we get some tequila and we’re sitting there. And she was fucking cool. Turns out that Daphne, she wants to be a comedian. She was asking me for advice, I told her advice and all this shit. And then she says to me, she says, “Boy, you sure do get a bad rap for your trans jokes.” I said “Daphne, thank you, but you don’t have to say that. I hope I didn’t offend you.” She goes, “No… No, no, no.” She said, “In fact, I read about you in The New York Times.” I said, “You did?” She said, “Yeah. I thought it was interesting that they blamed you for R. Kelly. They said you normalized him for telling jokes about him.” I go, “Yeah, yeah, they said that.” She goes, “I wonder why they never said that you normalized transgenders by telling jokes about us.” And I’d never thought about that, it had never occurred to me. And we started making out. And then, like… I… I reached up just to see what it felt like. I was like, “Oh, what does…?” And it felt like pussy, it did. It was like… Go ahead, ask me a question. What the fuck you gonna do if Trump get re-elected? Uh, what am I gonna do if Trump get re-elected? Probably get a significant tax break. Hey. You want to know why I don’t even talk about Trump in my show? Because that motherfucker is not the Hokey Pokey. He is not what it’s all about. There’s millions of people that put him in power. And the ideas that he puts forth… uh, are not his own. He’s singing poor white people’s greatest hits. So why the fuck would I worry about him? And not the other millions? Really, know who I’m gonna vote for next time, if things keep going the way it’s going, is that gay dude. No, Mike Pence. Now, this is the same club, the Punch Line, this is 15 years ago. And I had just gotten back from my infamous, uh, South Africa trip. And I came to the Punch Line, just to cheer myself up. It’s a safe place where I could tell some jokes. And…. I find out that this comedian I know, Chris Tucker, who was in all those Rush Hour movies… I find out that Chris is in San Francisco too, at some charity event. So I call him, like, “Yo, I just saw you at some charity event.” I’m doing the show at the Punch Line. Why don’t you come by the club after your event?” He’s like, “Cool, Dave. I thought you was dead, n i g g a. I’ll come by.” He said… He says, “Is it okay if I bring some friends ’cause I’m with a lot of people.” I go, “Man, you’re Chris Tucker, you can bring whoever the fuck you want.” And then I show up to the club… late that night. I walk into the dressing room, and sitting in the dressing room… is, uh, Gavin Newsom, who at the time was the mayor of San Francisco, but now he’s the governor of California. And sitting next to him was Kamala Harris, who at the time was the DA of San Francisco. Now she’s a senator from California that’s front-running on the Democratic ticket. And sitting next to her was Al Gore. That’s fucking weird. And sitting next to Al Gore was the guys from Google, Sergey and… I don’t know how to say these… Whoo! All right. And it was Chris Tucker and Ben Jealous, who at the time was the president of the NAACP, who was all just at this big charity dinner. And, and… And Paul Mooney was drinking scotch. And we all was just in there. You know, at first, I was a little uncomfortable. We start talking and we all got along really well. Mmm… At some point, uh, Kamala Harris says… she says to me, she goes, “You know, a friend of mine is announcing his candidacy for president tomorrow. I went to college with him.” I’m like, “What the–?” I go, “Barack Obama?” She goes, “You’ve heard of him.” I’m like, “Yo, I just read about this dude.” And she goes, “Yo, yeah…” Blah, blah. We’re talking. She goes, “You know what? Let’s– Let’s call him on the phone.” I said, “What the fuck?” She picks the phone up and she dials, and she’s listening like this… And she goes… “Ah…”   “It’s his voice mail.” And she gives me the phone and goes, “Leave him a message.” I didn’t know what to say. I just said what you say to any black dude that’s running for president: “Stay low, run in a zig-zag pattern,” this kind of shit. And then the last thing I say is… You know what? I said, “Sir, I really do believe you can do this. Man, I’m wishing you luck.” Now… Next day I wake up and go for coffee at a place called The Embarcadero. It’s like an eatery by the sea in San Francisco, and I’m walking to the coffee shop and there’s a police line. And I can’t cross… the tape. But I figure, “Ah, fuck it, I’m Dave Chappelle” so I go under the thing, like this. And the police yoke me. These motherfuckers, like, tackle me immediately. And I see… over the police’s shoulder, Gavin Newsom. I couldn’t remember his name, but I remember the night before I had kept teasing him and saying he looked like Christian Bale, the guy from the Batman movies. Uh, so I see him and I can’t remember the name, so I’m like, “Batman, help.” And he stops, he’s like, “Dave?” And then the police see that the mayor knows me. So they’re all like, “Oh, sorry about that. Uh…” And he’s like, “Back up, everybody,” He picks me up, like, “I’m really sorry about that.” I’m like, “Ah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” And he’s like… he’s like, “Listen, I’m here with the prince. Would you like to meet him?” I’m like, “I know Prince, that’s my n i g g a.” And we go around the corner and it was Prince Charles, the Prince of England. I didn’t know the protocol of meeting royalty. You’re not supposed to touch ’em. I dapped him up like a n i g g a. “My n i g g a.” I was hugging him and shit like this, dapping him up. Like this. And that n i g g a was cool, too. It was really fucking weird. And then I was just out there in the Upside Down, not having no TV show, trying to figure life out, and the election was going on in the background, and this guy, Barack Obama, was picking up steam. This motherfucker was killing it. And I had a chance to go to the last debate on the Democratic ticket. And I went. It was me and Chris Tucker, sitting in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It was the last three candidates. It was Barack Obama, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton. Now, Obama is a lot taller than Edwards and Clinton, and he had the center podium. And at one point, they’re all on stage and they start fussing, and then Obama goes, “Look, none of us are perfect.” Like this. His hands was like this, and there was a light shining behind his head, and the other two candidates was looking up at the n i g g a, and I’m sitting in the audience, like, “This n i g g a looks like Jesus.” And I realized, in that moment… that I was looking at the next president of the United States. I was certain of it. I couldn’t explain it. But I knew what I was seeing. And I got really excited. And I’m not that kind of guy. I said, “I gotta meet this motherfucker.” So I stayed. They were all on stage doing interviews, and I just waited. I was waiting and waiting. And then John Edwards was done with his interviews first, ’cause everybody knew he wasn’t gonna win. Uh… And I see John Edwards, and I said, “Hey, Senator Edwards, I just wanted to say hi.” That motherfucker looked at me like, “Mm-mmm.” I’m like, “Fuck you, n i g g a, you gonna lose anyway.” And he left. And then Hillary Clinton just walked by me in one of them Steve Harvey suits. But Obama was taking forever. Everybody wanted to talk to him, and I knew the media saw exactly what I saw. There was no question about it. That was the guy. I waited and I waited and finally… Must have been over an hour and a half. He finishes his last interview. He’s like, “Thank you very much, good talking to you.” And he turns around, and he– We make eye contact. He sees me. And when he sees me, he looks over, he goes… “Dave Chappelle.” And… And Obama did me the same way I did Prince Charles. He dapped me up… And he, like, bro-hugged me, and he pulled me in. I’ll never forget this, he said in my ear… “I got your message.” Thank you very much, New York City. Good night. By the way… vanglorious.  This is protected by the red… the black and the green. At the Crossroad, with a key. Sissy.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bill Burr: Paper Tiger (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-paper-tiger-transcript/

Recorded Live at the Royal Albert Hall, London, England [cheering and applause] [female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Burr! All right, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? Excellent. Thank you for coming out. Very prestigious… arena to listen to my d!ck and sh!t jokes over the next… [chuckles] …90 minutes. No, I’m excited to be here. I am. It’s very, uh… [audience whooping] …exciting to be doing stand-up outside of my own country. Yeah. No, not ’cause of you! [laughter] It’s how it’s become. F*cking US, everything’s so goddamn… Every f*cking joke you tell, “Well, what did you mean about that? I didn’t go to the gym today. Are you calling me fat? I feel f*cking triggered.” [laughter] Gotta f*cking apologize to everybody. This is how screwed up my country is right now. You… You know Bryan Cranston, right? [audience cheers] That dude did a movie. He played a quadriplegic… and people gave him sh!t… [laughter] …being like, “Why is there an able-bodied person playing a quadriplegic?” It’s like, “It’s because it’s called acting, you dumb f*ck.” See, if he was a quadriplegic playing a quadriplegic, that’s not acting. That’s just f*cking laying there, saying sh!t that someone else wrote. [laughter] “So tell us, what did you do to prepare for the role?” “Well, I dove head-first into the shallow end of a pool when I was 23. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this role for my whole life.” [laughter] “Right, what is up next for you?” “Oh, well, they’re gonna do a reboot of Top Gun. Uh, I’m gonna fly… [mumbling] And, uh, the copilot’s gonna be transgender. So everybody will be happy. She won’t die. Her discarded d!ck will block her head from the canopy. There’ll be a gender-neutral bathroom on the plane.” [laughter] How f*cking dumb is that? That’s literally like watching a movie, “Why didn’t you have a murderer play a murderer? And how come the guy he shot, I saw him in another movie?” I mean, what the f*ck is going on? [laughter] No, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what the f*ck is going on… but I think white women started it. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Oh! It’s the worst. The f*cking worst. That’s all they do, is bitch, moan, and complain. I had no idea how difficult it was to be a white woman in the United States of America. Evidently, it’s really difficult. [chuckles] [laughter] Yeah, they’re always bitching. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be me?” “Well, I imagine it would be slightly less awesome than my life.” [laughter] [laughs] “What happened to you today, sweetheart, huh? Did they not chill your rose?” You know? “Was the trolley not running down at the mall? What happened?” No, it’s unreal. I’m really f*cking annoyed how white women have the f*cking balls to throw my white privilege in my face. You know? Start to separate themselves from these “white males, with their white male privilege.” It’s like, “Bitch, you’re sitting in the Jacuzzi with me! The f*ck are you talking about? Yeah! Quit your f*cking whining.” Look… here’s a little caveat here, so you don’t think I’m a complete as*hole right out of the gate, all right? If you f*cking… If you’re living some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle on the Appalachian Trail, you know, and your uncle just banged you in the dirt, all right, I can listen to you. No, one of my fantasies is I wanna drive by, like, a woman’s rally and just say the most sexist sh!t I can think of… just to watch them lose their minds. You know, just drive by real slow and be like, “Yeah, why don’t you get back in the kitchen where you belong?” [chuckles] Just to look in the rearview mirror, watching them, “ah,” flipping out in the road. Spinning around like Leatherface at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, like… “Ah! Ah! Ah!” Yeah. No, it’s a very, uh… I don’t know, times are changing, I guess. I don’t know. Yeah. Michelle Obama‘s doing an arena tour. That’s another thing going on. I’m gonna say that again. Michelle Obama… [laughter] …is doing an arena tour. She’s not playing comedy clubs. She’s doing arenas. When did First Ladies start acting like they got elected? You know? Dude, being a First Lady, that’s not a f*cking job. Just standing there, smiling and waving. Hey? Look how quiet it is in here. Why is it so f*cking quiet? You think that’s a job? It’s not a f*cking job! Dude, if you really think it’s a job, just look at him. Right? Look at Obama. When that guy got elected, he looked like he was about 41 years old. When he left office, that guy looked like he was about 73. Right? Look at Michelle. She looks younger now than she did when that dude got elected. What has she done for the last eight years… [cheering and applause] …yeah, other than lay in a giant vat of Illuminati-level lotion? Just sitting there, floating. A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in and dumps another bucket on her. “Here’s some more… more of this.” She pops her head up: “Hey, Bam-Bam, tell Stevie Wonder to come down and play some songs tonight.” [gurgles] [laughter] Yeah. I found out she’s doing a tour, ’cause she’s doing a book tour. Yeah, she wrote a book. She wrote a book about not having a job. [laughs] I gotta read that f*cking book! “Chapter One, how to know if a d!ck tastes presidential. [laughter] How to weed your way… [whistles and applause] How to weed your way through all that local representative cock and get to the big swinging d!ck in the room.” [chuckles] I’ll tell you right now, say what you want about Republican Presidents, but they got their First Ladies in line. [laughter] They do! Dude, George W. was President for eight years. Eight years! I don’t even know his wife’s name! [laughter] What was it, Abigail or some sh!t? Maggie? No clue! Donald Trump’s wife stands behind him like a giant meerkat, like… [laughter] [chuckles] Bill Clinton was President, his wife never shut up. “Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!” He f*cked around on her so much. He was like, “All right, whatever, just do it.” [laughter] [chuckles] But I’m telling you right now, I’m gonna check out that f*cking tour. I gotta see what that’s all about. You know? Who opens? Who opens on that f*cking tour? Was it Oprah Winfrey’s husband? You know? [laughter] Does he f*cking come out and talk about what it’s like to walk her dogs? “I do it for 20 minutes a day. The cocker spaniel’s probably the most fussiest, and I gotta bring him around.” Look, I’m sure that there’s some, uh, feminists in the crowd right now not appreciating this joke, feeling triggered, feeling like they need to f*cking put out a hashtag or some sh!t. And be brave and speak out. You know what? You’re full of sh!t. [laughter] You are. [cheering and applause] All… All those feminists are full of sh!t. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you right now, someday… someday, there’s gonna be, there’s gonna be the first woman President. All right? Which means… [cheering] You don’t even know what her f*cking platform is, and you automatically cheer. [laughter] “Ooh, ooh, it’s got the same genitalia! Ooh!” F*cking… I’m telling you. They’re not smart people. Feminists, they’re not as smart as they’re coming off, I’m telling you. Someday… there’s gonna be… This is going to be my last show ever by the time this f*cking thing comes out. Someday, there’s gonna be the first female President, which means there’s gonna be the first male First Lady. Right? And you wait. You f*cking wait! The first time that dude opens his mouth about some political sh!t, you watch all these feminists. They’re all gonna be, “You shut the f*ck up! You shut the f*ck up! It is her time now. It is her time. She was elected, not you! Go pick out some plates, bitch! You are the First Lady.” [chuckles] He’s gonna get treated like Tom Arnold when he was with Roseanne. [laughter] Secret Service name will be, like, “Appendix” or “Doesn’t Matter.” “‘Not Worthy of Protecting’ just entered the Oval Office. ‘Not Worthy of Protecting’.” So, anyways… There’s been, uh… The #MeToo movement has happened since the last time I was here. Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ, but, you know, I think it’s dying down. You know? I don’t know, I think they got everybody. [laughter] Right? [chuckles] Just judging by the stories, I feel like they kind of got everybody. ‘Cause the first stories that came out, they were f*cking unbelievable. It was just guys taking their d!cks out at work, like, “Look at it! Look at it! Ah! Ah! Ah!” F*cking blocking doors and jizzing on plants. You’re f*cking at home watching, “Jesus Christ, people did this sh!t?” I remember this one poor woman said she was a PA, went into some director’s trailer, and he came… allegedly, came running out, masturbating vigorously while holding a shrimp cocktail. [laughter] [chuckles] I swear to God! I know that’s f*cked up, but I gotta tell you something. It’s a little bit funny that she felt the need to use the adjective “vigorously” after she said he was masturbating. “He was masturbating vigorously.” I’m thinking in my head, “Like, as opposed to what?” [laughter] As far as I know, there is only one successful way to perform that act, and that would be vigorously. Is there another way to do it? Can you do it passively? You know? Is that how Sting does it? Is that how he’s able to f*ck for hours and hours? Fans a little air on it. He puts on “Fields Of Gold.” Just lets that thing rise up. Just… Just letting it marinate, right? [chuckles] Yeah, so the stories were big in the beginning. Like, “Oh, my God, what a bunch of f*cking animals.” And then they just started tapering… tapering off. And about, I don’t know, six months in, they just sounded like bad dates. It was like, “He was… He was ten minutes late. The chicken was cold. I think I was raped. Career over!” [laughter] “What about my side of the story?” “F*ck your side of the story! You have a d!ck and balls. We don’t wanna hear it!” Yeah. It’s really weird how the whole thing… It went from, like, nobody listening… men not listening to women at all, to just this total over-correction that anything they f*cking said means it happens, you know? They got these hashtags like, you know, “Believe women.” “Believe women,” right? That’s a little open-ended, huh? Just straight across the f*cking board, all of them? Every last f*cking one of them? What about the psychos? What about the ones that key your car and light your sh!t on fire ’cause you didn’t f*cking answer a text? What about them? Huh? How about you believe, like, 88%, and that last 12% that’s out of their f*cking minds… You know, I think that’s a fair percentage, wouldn’t you? No? Are you too afraid? To not believe? I know, that’s the world we’re f*cking living in right now. No, everything has just become f*cking absolutes. In… In… In the States, it’s f*cking nuts. Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was, like, protesting during the national anthem, no one was gonna listen to what the f*ck he had to say. No matter how much he explained it. He goes, “I’m taking a knee during the national anthem. This is a protest about police brutality, the way people of color are treated. We’d like to open a dialogue.” He got halfway through, then people were like, “My brother’s fighting in Iraq, you f*cking piece of sh!t!” It’s just like, “Buddy, buddy… nobody is saying your brother isn’t in Iraq fighting. You’re not listening. This is about police brutality–” “My brother’s a firefighter. He watched 9/11 on television!” “No, no, no, buddy, nobody’s saying that your brother’s not a firefighter.” “I have a bone spur in my heel! I can still stand up during the f*cking song!” “Buddy, nobody is saying you can’t see a f*cking podiatrist. All right? You’re not listening.” That’s what it became. It went from not listening to women to just “believe women”, right? And then people were just like, “Did you see that story? Did you read the story? You can’t make something like that up.” I literally wanna be like, “Well, did you see Star Wars?” [laughter] I mean, somebody made that up. They made, like, f*cking 15 of them, you know? People can make sh!t up, right? “You’re part of the f*cking problem! Get the f*ck out…” You know? [chuckles] “No means no,” that’s another one. “No means no.” It’s like, no, it doesn’t. All right? [laughter] Look, “No!” means no. “No!” That means no, all right? [in flirty voice] But, “No, stop it, what are you doing? Oh, my God, you’re being so bad. Stop it! No!” Yeah, that’s not a f*cking no! That means, “I wanna do it, but I’m afraid you’re gonna judge me, so I’m just gonna make it look like it was your idea so you don’t figure out that I’ve already performed this act with 40 other f*cking people.” Right? [laughter] But then… then you go to court and you get a bad reading. Some guy’s reading it. [in serious voice] “Ah, Your Honor, she said, ‘No, stop it. What are you doing? You’re being so bad.'” [laughter] Yeah! And you’re just sitting there like, “She didn’t f*cking say it like that! She didn’t say it like that!” Yeah. So now everybody’s just, like, scared sh!tless. You know? ‘Cause I guess if women ran the world, there’d be no war. Evidently, there would be no due process either. So you’ve just gotta sit there, going, “Ah? Ah? Huh?” [laughs] No, it’s f*cking nuts. People are so scared now. You now have the male feminist. Like, where the f*ck did that come from? Just out of nowhere, last couple years. “I’m a male feminist. I’ve always championed women–” No, you haven’t. You haven’t! This sh!t came out and you’re f*cking scared. You did something. You grabbed some f*cking titties. What the f*ck did you do that you have to over-correct that f*cking hard? What kind of a man who still has his balls is walking around saying that he’s a male feminist? “Oh, I’m a male feminist. I totally see the way you see the f*cking world.” It’s… It’s impossible… as a man who was raised right… [laughs] [laughter and applause] …to be a feminist. You can’t do it. You’re a man. Look, you can agree with it, you can empathize, sympathy, you can do all of that sh!t, but you can’t be it any more than I can stand there and just be like, “I’m a Black Panther. Fight the power!” And then I walk out the door, a blue-eyed white dude, and I get to live that f*cking life, right? I don’t know. I don’t know, ladies. I don’t buy it. Maybe you do, I don’t. Anytime I hear a guy say, “I’m a male feminist,” I always just think, “That is the most pathetic, limp-d!ck way ever to try and get some pussy.” Right? Like, that’s literally… that is literally the f*cking game you had when you were on a first date when you were 16, you were all nervous and your whole game plan was, “Just agree with her. Maybe she’ll touch it.” [laughter] [chuckles] “So, what are your favorite bands?” “I like whatever you like! Will you touch it now? Did I do it right? Uh…” Yeah, it’s a weird time right now. I’m glad that I’m f*cking married now. I don’t gotta f*cking deal with any of that sh!t. You know? For younger guys, how do you deal with it? You know what was really f*cked up in all of this, though? What about women who like it rough? Right? That doesn’t happen here in the jolly old England? Huh? [laughter] Not at all! Everybody gets all dead silent. Big f*cking elephant in the f*cking room. Right? Yeah. -[man] Ask for consent! How the f*ck do you… What’s that? [man] Ask for consent! “Ask for consent”? Doesn’t that take the mood… Well, Jesus, that kind of took it in a weird way. [laughter] [chuckles] Dude, whatever the f*ck I was saying, however you heard it, that’s not what the f*ck I’m saying. All right? [laughter] “You know, I’ve really listened to this Me Too movement. I think for the first time in my life, I’m gonna ask for consent! I’m really gonna do it this time. I’ve been feeling…” This is why you can’t judge comedians. Do you understand? Do you understand what the f*ck I was saying and how this f*cking jackass just heard it? You know? The second… [cheering] Yeah! The second it comes out of my mouth, it’s not what I said anymore. Goes into your f*cking ear hole and gets cut with your whole f*cking childhood. “Oh, this is what he means! Da, da, da, da, da, da, da…” [laughter] Sir, if I could get along with my point, if you wouldn’t mind that. [laughter] No, like, f*cking women who like it rough, like, that’s gotta be so f*cking weird. [chuckles] I remember when I was a single man a long time ago. A lot of hair ago, right? Still wasn’t a good look, but I was single. I was out there, taking some at bats. I remember that sh!t. You’d meet a woman, and when it started going down that road, like you knew you were gonna hook up, you’d try to get a jump on it, right? You’d try to figure out what they liked in the bedroom because you wanted to satisfy them. There’s nothing worse than if you don’t satisfy them, and you know they’re gonna tell all their friends, and then you gotta f*cking move, and now there’s social media and you got a f*cking nickname… It’s a nightmare. So, you just try to, you know… You try to do a little f*cking intelligence. You’ll be there, hanging out, just being like, “Yeah, so, uh, what are you into? What do you, uh… What do you like to do?” Right? One night, I asked a woman that, she set her drink down, she looked me right in the eye, she’s like, “I like to get f*cked.” [chuckles] And I knew what she meant! “All right, this is gonna be one of these. Okay, here we go. Just trying to… [laughter] We’re gonna have to go hard on this one.” Right? We had a great f*cking time. I don’t know how I would… Today, I would just be like, “All right, I know what you wanna do, but, like, you’re gonna have to do it. You understand? Like, I’m just gonna stand here, and then you just back into me however hard you want. You control how hard you’re backing into me. Then I’m gonna lay my hand on your shoulder. You can put your ponytail in it. I will slowly close my hand around it. And if at any point you want to yank your head like that, that’s on you. My other hand will be just to the right of your right ass cheek, and if you wanna do one of those, that’s fine. But I am not doing anything. I’m just gonna stand here like a giant f*ck stick, and you just have at it, you just have at it.” Yeah. You know what’s hilarious about sexual assault? [laughter] [chuckles] You know what’s hilarious about it? Is how women are acting like that is a uniquely female experience. You know what’s funny? I actually, to the letter of the f*cking law, within the last two and a half years, got sexually assaulted in this business by a woman. Yeah! And this is my story! [laughter] [chuckles] I feel like I can live my truth and be brave tonight and share this with you. It’s a 100% true f*cking story. I was doing stand-up, I was doing a private gig. All right? Private gigs are the f*cking worst. You do a public gig, anybody can show up. It broadens what you can talk about, right? You do a private gig, it’s like everybody grew up on the same f*cking street, so all your jokes gotta go right down f*cking mainstream or you’re bombing. So all you do is listen to the first comic to hear what’s working and what isn’t. You’re just listening as he’s up there struggling, going, “Okay, they like bread. Talk about bread. Get all the bread you can. Don’t make fun of the troops. Stay away from the troops!” Right? So that’s what we’re doing, right? And the host gets them going, then he brings up the first act. Okay, she goes on stage. She’s not really a comedian, more of a personality. She does her bullsh!t or whatever, and I’m standing there, looking at my jokes, figuring out what I’m doing. She wraps it up. He goes on stage. She goes to get off. I’m thinking, “Okay, I’m next.” I’m looking at my stuff, and she just walks right by me and just f*cking… poof! Just flicked me right on the head of my d!ck and kept walking! [laughter] Like it was nothing. Just f*cking… pow! And just kept… I couldn’t f*cking believe it. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, was this a friend of yours? Was she flirting with you? Was this a joke?” None of the above. You know what it was? I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe. Like she was trying to get in my head. “There you go, you little red d!ck. Poof! Follow that!” And she just kept walking. Dude, my first thought as I saw her walking away, I just wanted to punch her in the back of the head as hard as humanly possible. Like, literally make her leave her shoes. You know? [laughter] But the other side of my brain’s like, “No, dude, you can’t do that. You can’t do that. It’s a woman. And it’s just spitball. Well, f*cking boot her in the ass! Boot her in the ass! Can’t hit her, dude. Can’t hit her. It’s a woman. Well, f*cking tell somebody! Tell somebody!” And all I’m thinking is, like, “Dude, I’m a guy.” Can’t f*cking tell anybody. Nobody gives a sh!t what happens to a guy. I’m gonna walk up to another man and be like, “Excuse me, sir, but she just flicked me in my pee-pee, and I didn’t like that one bit. No, sir! I didn’t like that at all. No, I didn’t!” All the guys are gonna be like, “Dude, if she did that to me, I would’ve taken my balls out, too. F*cking flick both of these. F*cking sports bar, up top, Super Bowl, hey!” Right? That’s all I would’ve got, right? So now I’m standing there, I’m waiting to go on stage, the dude’s doing my intro, I’m trying to think about jokes about bread, and the tip of my d!ck is still stinging. This is the world I’m in. And right as he’s gonna bring me on, all of a sudden, she came out, ’cause she was going back out to her f*cking car, and that’s when my brain started firing up again with some ideas. Started thinking sh!t that I had never thought before in my life. Going like, “Dude, there she is. There she is. Flick her in the box. [laughter] Do it, man. Equal rights. She did it to you, you do it back to her!” It started making sense. “Yeah, f*ck that! Flick my d!ck, I’m gonna flick your clit! That’s right! I’ll f*cking hit the man in the boat. Drop down, uppercut to the bush. F*ck this sh!t! Think I’m the kind of person you just can flick my d!ck and walk away like it ain’t sh!t?” Right? And it was making sense till right when she got there, finally, I just started thinking of all the sporting events I had watched, and I realized that the referee only sees the retaliation. He never sees the first aggression, and then you have to go to the… yellow card, whatever the f*ck you people do over here, right? You go to the penalty box! So I let her go, and I went out on stage. I did my sh!t. But here was the thing. For the next three f*cking days, I’m driving round LA, and I’m just losing my f*cking mind. You know? I’m f*cking screaming at the windshield, saying all this sh!t that I wanted to say but didn’t say it in the moment. You know? It wasn’t because… This is the thing. It wasn’t because she touched me. You know what I mean? I don’t give a f*ck about that, all right? You know, when I was a kid, I had a paper route and I was an altar boy. You know? [laughter] Yeah. You’re gonna have to do a little bit better… than flick my d!ck over my jeans and my underwear. It’s like, “Are we gonna do this or what? Like, what is happening here?” It’s the fact that she thought she could bully me. So after f*cking three days of this sh!t, I had a splitting headache, and I started realizing, “Wait a minute. She’s winning this thing.” You know? “Here I am, still thinking about this sh!t. She’s probably gone on to flick 30 to 40 d!cks since she’s been with me. All right, she doesn’t give a f*ck about me.” So, you know what I did? I drove to my house, there was nobody home, I went upstairs, I closed the door, and I just sat down and I meditated on it, and I just forgave her. I did. [applause] I just pictured her as a little five-year-old girl crying because her alcoholic dad, you know, wouldn’t hug her or something. And she’s just standing there crying, like, “But, Daddy, I love you!” He’s like, “Get away from me! I never wanted children!” And then he walked through a screen door and he, like, face-planted into this above-ground pool. And he had a tool belt on, and it just sort of pulled him under. And she ran out, she grabbed his foot, and she was pulling and pulling, and his boot came off, and she sat down, and she just watched him slowly drown. [laughter] I don’t know what happened after that. I just felt, like, this weight lift off of my chest. [chuckles] So, there you go. All you tough guys over here in England, don’t be afraid to meditate, man. I’m telling you. You can let a lot of stuff go. I don’t know. [man] Whoo! [whistles] Do you know… I’m all right with silence. You don’t have to feel like you have to do anything f*cking extra. Just relax. If it’s funny, f*cking laugh. If it isn’t, just f*cking sit there, and I’ll know it’s time to move on. [laughter] Uh… So, anyways, I’m a married man with a kid. Happily married man. Yes, I am. [cheering] I… Yeah, I love my wife to death. I love everything about being f*cking married, but I’ll tell you this right now, we do fight a lot. We do argue all the time. If I’ve learned anything in five years of being married, it is we’re always working on me. You know? [chuckles] Evidently, my wife is this completed work under museum glass that is to be admired and studied, like, “Hmm, how did she do that?” And I’m like one of these… You know those buildings that just has scaffolding around it for, like, six straight years, and you’re like, “Are they ever gonna finish that thing? Is that some sort of insurance job? Jesus Christ, what a piece of sh!t! They should just tear it down and start over again.” Yeah. I have a temper, so that’s the thing. That’s what kind of ruins things. Everything else I do is fine, but I have a f*cking temper and it just ruins sh!t, and then my wife always says the same thing. She’s always just like, “I just don’t understand. Where did that come from? Where is that coming from? You just go from zero to 100 in two seconds.” It’s like, first of all, I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right? So don’t give me this zero to 100. I walked into this restaurant 75. I could hear that guy talking too loud on his cell phone from the f*cking parking lot! [laughter] [chuckles] Yeah. I f*cking tried all of this sh!t… Whenever she says that to me, though, I swear to God. “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from?” It actually hurts my feelings when she says that. You know? ‘Cause it makes me feel like she’s not listening to me. It’s like, “Honey, how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to the absolute lunatic that you married?” [laughter] Didn’t she ever take a psychology class? I’m not that complex! Like, I’ll tell you guys a quick… I’ll tell you a quick childhood story. I’ll tell you one of the funnier ones. One time, when I was, like, six, my older brother was eight, we were in the back seat of my dad’s car, and we were, like, laughing and excited ’cause it was around Christmas. Right? And my dad just had this thing. He just didn’t like joy, you know? [laughter] So he’s sitting there driving, going like, “Jesus Christ, knock it off back there! Christ, you’re giggling like a couple of little schoolgirls! Christ, you don’t straighten up, I’m gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!” And then he did. [chuckles] I swear to God. He made us hold them up. My mother’s taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree. I’m just standing there, like, “Wah! Wah!” Afterwards, I ran upstairs to my top bunk. My dad knew he’d f*cked up. To his credit, he came up, he tried to smooth it over. He’s like, “All right, come on back down. It’s over. Come on down and enjoy the holiday.” And I’m like, “No, I don’t want any gifts, I f*cking hate you! Ah!” Right? He eventually coaxed me down, you know? He just… He softened up a little bit. “Look, you don’t get your f*cking ass back downstairs, no one else can open their gifts. Now move it out! I said move it out!” I go back downstairs all shell-shocked. “Here’s another gift for you, Billy.” I’m like, “Is this a f*cking dollhouse? When does it end?” Yeah. That was Christmas, and those were people that loved me. [laughter] “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand.” So, I gotta do it, though. I gotta work on the temper. I’m gonna do it. You know, I got the kid now, and I just don’t want… I don’t wanna pass it on to her, you know? I have, like, a demon in my family tree. Like, this f*cking rage, it’s just… You know? Just keeps following us, and now I got it. I have it so bad, like, literally, my daughter, she’s a little over two years old, she’s yet to meet me yet. You know? Like, the real me. She’s seen glimpses of me. Like, “Hey, how are you?” [chuckles] She’s seen glimpses of the anger, but I’m able to smooth it over quickly. Like, “Whoa, Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!” [laughter] But I see it in her face. I can see the way she looks at me. She’s starting to put it together, like, “This dude’s a little f*cked up, man. He’s a little f*cked up.” I cannot tell you how heartbreaking that is to see from a toddler… much less your own daughter. I’m like, “I gotta end this thing, man.” This rage, it has to end with me. I can’t have an angry kid just walking around, f*cking kicking toys, “F*cking bullsh!t!” and just being, like, a lunatic. I want to be like that priest in The Exorcist when the devil got in him, and he just f*cking leaps out the window and dies. You know? So I have been f*cking trying everything. You know? I tried, you know… I don’t know, I tried… meditating, wearing sweaters. I did that for a while. Like, if I dressed like a regular guy, I’d be one. I drew a smiley face on a Post-it and stuck it on my dashboard, like that was gonna help with my road rage. You know, driving down the street like, “You mother… Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve done that too! Thank you, smiley face.” [laughter] I remember one night I actually considered taking a bath. ‘Cause I was gonna call my wife, I was on the road, and I was like, “I don’t want to have a fight with her. I need to relax. What the f*ck can I do?” And I thought about it. Women take baths, right? They do. It’s a very feminine thing. They have a bad week. “I just wanna decompress,” and they just have a soak, and then they’re just fine. Next thing you know, they’re drinking wine, calling friends. “I’m so glad you’re in my life… and I feel I can get back out there again.” Right? So I’m literally alone, I start drawing a bath, and the water came all the way up. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t f*cking do it! [chuckles] There’s just no way as a man to take a bath and not think about killing yourself. You know? There’s just something about slipping into that coffin-shaped thing. It’s like, “Am I gonna slit my wrists? Am I testifying against the Mob? What the f*ck am I doing here?” I’m a man! I don’t take a bath, you take a shower. Hose it off, block out your feelings, keep walking till you drop of a heart attack. Literally, as you’re going down, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine! I’m fine!” [laughter] Can’t take a bath. Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky, sticking my toe in the faucet. Right? Not allowed. Not allowed to be that happy, so… I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I think I’m gonna go back to therapy. Do that f*cking bullsh!t again. Fast-forward through all these stories I’ve told a million times. I gotta do it, though. And I’m gonna do it for my kid and do it for my wife, and, selfishly, do it for me… because… -[woman] Whoo! -I’m gonna tell you why. You’re not gonna like the results, miss. [laughter] This is why I’m gonna do it. If I actually don’t have a temper, like, I just think to myself, “What could my wife complain…” Like, “What could my wife bitch at me about?” Right? I f*cking crush everything. I do. I take out the trash, okay? The gate was squeaky the other day. I f*cking made sure that was done, you know? I pick up after myself. I like to think I’m a good dad. I work my ass off. I make a great f*cking living. Crush all of that. All she has on me is who I am as a person. [laughter] That’s it! [cheering and applause] Yeah, if I could just not be who I was when she met me… I think I’d have a shot, you know? So, we figured out the number one thing we fight about is television, you know? I watch sports. She watches those Real Housewives. You know, it just doesn’t work out. You know, I… You guys have The Real Housewives out here? You do? Yeah. Yeah. It’s just… I imagine it’s just the most depressing f*cking thing ever, isn’t it? Those women, they just look so f*cking exhausted, you know what I mean? Just with the war paint and the circle tits, just trying to f*cking tuck it in and f*cking… Like an athlete at the end of their career, just trying to limp on to the field one more time. They’re not as fast as they used to be. It reminds you of your own mortality. It’s just like, “Ladies, just f*cking sit down. Put on something flowing. I’ll put on a sport coat. We’ll be in bed by 8:30,” right? “We’re f*cking old,” you know? So, we realized that, uh, I don’t know, we always fight about the television, so I’m like, “What about documentaries? Why don’t we just tape something we both like?” We both love documentaries. They’re fun, right? You watch them. You learn something. You repeat it at a party. People think you read! [laughter] So I tape… You know, first one I tape is on Elvis Presley. Right? Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me. He’s, like, the first rock star with the power of television. They just intersected, and he ascended to this level of fame that no one had ever been to before. Hence, he made all the mistakes ’cause there was no one there to help him out. Right? He got a piece-of-sh!t manager that stole from him. Bam! He stopped making music, started making sh!tty movies. He’s not a good actor, right? Does that. Married a minor, started doing drugs, got fat, got an entourage, got even fatter, started wearing onesies, doing karate kicks, splitting his f*cking pants. Nobody’s saying sh!t. “You look good, King!” “You like that? You like when my royal balls hang out?” “We love it, King. Keep f*cking going!” Starts doing pills, gets addicted, he f*cking dies alone on a toilet. All right? This man kicked open all of those f*cking doors for the rest of us. All right? So I sit down, and I’m watching this documentary as a white dude. Which is what I am. I’m looking out my white head, watching this white sh!t, it’s coming back into my white eyes, getting whiter by the f*cking second. All right? Now, my wife, on the other hand, she’s black, right? Now, I hate saying that, ’cause it makes it seem like I’m gonna start doing some stupid comparison jokes. You know, those dumb white guy, black guy jokes. It’s always like the white guy is like, “Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes. Can this chair hold me?” The black guy is always like, “You need to loosen up, you gotta relax, man. You just gotta let it happen.” Right? [chuckles] It’s always the same stupid f*cking joke. I hate those jokes, you know, ’cause they’re easy, and it’s been my experience that it’s just not true, you know? Fifteen years of being with her, there’s really no difference, you know? Because at the end of the day, it’s a woman. [laughter] All right? It’s gonna be the same fights. I don’t give a f*ck who you’re with. I’m not gonna lie to you, there might be more head movement and hand gestures with different races of women… possibly an index finger jabbing at your forehead, whatever the f*ck that is. But at the end of the day, it’s the same fights. “What’s going on with us? Do you need to work on this? Why don’t we communicate better?” Right? So she starts watching this sh!t as a black person, right? And she’s seeing all the racism, obviously, that I’m seeing, but she was catching all this subtle sh!t that I was too white to see but I knew I was missing it ’cause I just kept hearing her huffing and puffing. Just sitting next to me, being like… [huffing] And I’m just sitting there like, “Okay, somebody did something! [laughter] I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t think that was good!” So right when I didn’t think it could get any worse, it couldn’t get any more uncomfortable between the two of us, this f*cking white dude comes on who, evidently, discovered Elvis. And he’s, like, a hundred and f*cking 90 years old. And he comes out, starts talking. He’s just like, “Well, basically, I was looking for a white boy that could take the down-and-dirty, nasty blues and combine it with the pristine, angelic sounds of bluegrass.” Yeah, that’s what he was doing. He was subtly putting black sh!t down here while he was propping up the white sh!t. You know? “The down-and-dirty, daddy-not-sticking-around, drug-infested neighborhood blues, with the Jesus-as-white-as-me, hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic, bluegrass-playing music,” right? So, at this point, my wife has, like, f*cking steam coming out of her ears, so I make a judgment call. I just f*cking shut it off. Right? And she looks at me. She’s like, “Why did you shut that off? Why did you shut it off?” I was like, “Because you’re about three minutes away from yelling at me like I produced this music. [laughter] All right? Let’s just forget it. We’ll watch something else.” She’s like, “No, why can’t we just watch the rest of this and then discuss it afterwards?” It’s like, “I don’t want to f*cking do that. I just wanna watch a documentary! I don’t want to have a f*cking lecture… because of these f*cking as*holes. I didn’t do anything! I’m just sitting here watching TV! Not to mention, we’re just gonna get into an argument.” She’s like, “Why would we get into an argument?” I’m like, “Ugh. All right, you know what? Because not for nothing, there was some black people in there saying some sh!t that I didn’t agree with. I’m not huffing and puffing.” Yeah… I said that. [laughter] Like a f*cking idiot! And she just looks at me. She’s like, “Like what black people? Like what black people that said what?” And at that point, it’s like you started the luge, right? You can’t get off the f*cking sled. Now you gotta have the argument. Like, “Oh, f*ck, here we go, guess we’re having this.” And I’m like, “All right. All right, the black guy brought up leg shaking, saying, ‘Elvis took leg shaking from us.’ It’s like, really? Leg shaking? Nobody thought to f*cking do this? Black people came up with that? You’re telling me that? I’ll even give you that! Let’s say you came up with that, but where did that black dude learn how to do it? Didn’t he watch some older black guy do it? But what? ‘Cause he’s the same color, he’s not stealing. He’s just carrying on the tradition. But if Elvis does it, ‘Oh, what the f*ck?’ Now he’s the biggest thief ever? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” She goes, “No, you idiot, it’s not about the leg shaking, okay? He appropriated a culture. He took all the music, he got all the money, got all the fame, he’s called the King of it now, and he never gave a sh!t, not even a shout-out.” And I was like, “All right. [laughter] Fair enough. Made about seven or eight good points there that I can’t refute. [laughter] He appropriated a culture. I get it. You’re right.” She goes, “Fine, thank you.” And I go, “However… [laughter] Not for nothing, do I get mad at you when you get on a skateboard and you start going down the f*cking street? Do I get all offended, like, ‘Hey, man, that’s some white sh!t! Stop appropriating my culture, man. Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica came up with that, man.'” So she starts laughing, and I should’ve stopped there, but I’m a comedian, right? I’m like, “Ooh, I’m getting a laugh. There’s gotta be a bigger laugh, so keep going, Bill. Let’s come with another example.” So I’m like, “Yeah, do I get mad at you when you fly from LA to New York in under six hours?” And she just, yeah… [chuckles] Yeah. And she just stares at me. She’s just like, “That was f*cked up.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, I know. It sounded good in my f*cking head and then it came out. I just… I was just going for the laugh.” And then she wouldn’t let up. She’s like, “Why is it f*cked up? Why is it f*cked up?” So now I’m back in the classroom, and I’m like, “Because… if, historically speaking, black people enjoyed the same amount of freedom and privilege, they would have had the money and the time to figure out how to fly, too.” And she goes, “That’s right.” And I go, “However… [laughter] …your music would’ve suffered.” [laughter and applause] Yeah! “You can’t have my level of freedom and privilege walking around with that cul-de-sac, ‘It really is gonna be okay!’ and come up with that painful, beautiful music. You can’t do that. Next thing you know, you’re clapping on the f*cking downbeat, you’re playing a washboard, right? James Brown is line dancing. All goes out the window, so you gotta make a choice! Either you learn how to fly and your music sucks…” [laughter] [chuckles] Oh, I just noticed this thing came off. We can’t have this. There’s gotta be continuity between the f*cking shows here. Oh, Jesus Christ! This thing never comes off. It’s right when you tape a f*cking special, then everything just falls apart. Royal Albert Hall, huh? Where did you buy this mic stand, huh? Where the f*ck did you get this? [cheering and applause] You know the mic stand guy’s all f*cking pissed off. “Right, that’s a jolly good f*cking mic stand. F*cking Yank! F*cking Yank… Everything f*cking falls off on him. [laughter] How dare you! The Queen comes down here and sits in a box and watches the show!” You know what I heard about you guys? [laughter] Actually, by the way, I’ve been over here for a week, and as an American, I gotta say something. You guys are pretty fat, too. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheering and applause] Yeah. Specifically the men. I don’t know what’s going on with the men, but I don’t give a f*ck how fat you get, you’re gonna pour yourself into your skinny jeans. They still got them. It’s like you’re squeezing all the fat to the top like toothpaste. “Right, still wearing me same jeans from primary school!” [laughter] [chuckles] Um… I don’t know, but anyways… You know what I’m afraid of? Robots. Yeah. I saw one get interviewed on 60 Minutes. The top journalistic program in the United States. And he’s just sitting there getting interviewed, not nervous at all, just rattling off all the f*cking answers. You know? Not smoking, not f*cking, you know, leaking oil, whatever you would do as a nervous robot, right? And the reporter’s asking him questions, and in the end, he goes, “So, tell us…” He’s like, uh… He’s like, “What are your goals?” And I am alone in a hotel room, and I literally lean towards the TV. I’m like, “Do these f*cking things have goals?” [laughter] And the f*cking robot just answers. He just goes… uh… He goes, “What are your goals?” And the robot goes, “To become smarter than human beings.” Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it. He’s like, “Okay, and what’s your favorite color?” [laughter] Meanwhile, I’m standing on my bed, yelling at the TV, like, “Dude, unplug that f*cking thing! Take the batteries out! Pull the wire… Pull the wires out! Do something! How many sci-fi movies do you have to see before you realize where this is going?” So, anyways, every smart person, every super-smart person in the world is saying these f*cking things are gonna kill us. Even your boy here, he recently died. What was his name? He was always sitting down. [man] Hawking! [laughter] Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah! Too good to f*cking stand up and make his point, just sitting down, all f*cking smarmy. [chuckles] “Oh, I care so much, I poured ice on myself! Um… And I showed off my abs at the same time for the Gram!” No, I’m just f*cking with you. I am so glad that guy’s f*cking dead, though. You know? [laughter] Look at you guys. How much longer did you want him to suffer? You don’t believe in an afterlife? Maybe he’s up there now, his f*cking legs work, he’s getting an angelic blow job. How much longer did you want him to f*cking sit there so you could feel better about yourself? “Well, at least I’m not all f*cking twisted up, saying smart sh!t,” right? I couldn’t f*cking stand that guy. He was so f*cking negative! He never had anything positive to say. “Hey, Steve, what have you got for us today?” “In 2035, there will be no more apples.” “Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot. Wasn’t thinking about that, now I am. Hey, so what’s the solution?” “It’s too late. We needed to try 40 years ago.” “Thanks a lot, buddy. I’m gonna go cry with my child now.” Dude, I could hang out with that guy for about three minutes before I took the brake off his chair and just zoomed him into the other room. [laughter] “Hey, Steve, come back here when you got something dumb and positive to say.” Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with all of these super-smart people thinking that these f*cking robots were gonna kill us. Right? I agreed with all of that sh!t until, a couple of years ago, I was in New York, and I was looking through a newspaper, right? And I have a whole new f*cking theory. But in order for me to tell you my theory, I have to quickly take you back to the deep, dark, sordid history of the blow-up doll. All right? I know there’s a lot of millennials here, young people. You probably don’t even know what one of these is, all right? With your f*cking… I don’t know what you guys do, your virtual reality glasses, you know, f*cking free porn flying by. You’re grabbing titties, whatever. Whatever it is you do. Right? [laughter] Back in the day, this was the deal. If you were a person and you wanted to have sex with somebody else, but, like, nobody else wanted to have sex with you… and, you know, you weren’t strong enough to hold anybody down, I mean… [laughter] You had to go… You had to… That’s how it was! You had to go out, and you had to get a blow-up doll. And you had to f*cking go out and get it. You had to f*cking go out and get it. All right? You couldn’t just order it off of an Amazon and some delivery guy shows up. He doesn’t know what’s in the box. You’re standing there like Tom Hanks, “Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!” [chuckles] “I’m gonna f*ck that, and you have no idea what it is!” [laughter] No. Dude, you had to go down, and you had to f*cking get this thing. You had to find a porno store. You had to work it out that it was far enough away from your house that no one’s gonna recognize your car. You drive down at, like, 11 in the morning. Who the f*ck is gonna be there then, right? You park in the back on, like, a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car, psyching yourself up. [exhaling] “Okay, I’m not hurting anybody. It’s just an urge. Just get in there, okay? Hand him the money, just get in there and get it done!” You yank your hat down. You f*cking walk in with all your courage. Then you get in there, there’d be too many other perverts in there, and you get all psyched out. So what you do is you just grab a bunch of videotapes, and you walked up to the counter. And you had to make it look like it was an impulse buy, right? And you’re walking up, and everything, all the creepy sh!t, was behind the counter, right? Just f*cking heads and feet, just an ass, body parts. Serial killer buffet. “What f*cking world am I entering? Oh, my God, somebody’s f*cking a neck? Jesus Christ!” Right? And you set it down. Just make it look real subtle. “Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?” “Uh, yeah, no, maybe that thing down the end with the surprised look on its face. Maybe I’d like to take a shot at that. I don’t know.” The guy wraps it up, you finally get it. You give him the money. You f*cking run out to the car. You have this whole weird emotion. You’re, like, excited and you hate yourself. “Thank God, I finally did it! What the f*ck is wrong with me?” And just drive off. You go back to your little sh!tty f*cking apartment, and you had to blow it up quietly so none of your neighbors heard. Just like… [blowing] Then you got excited, started going a little faster. And just watching this thing slowly coming to life, just like… [laughter] [applause] Right? And then you’d wrap those rubber legs around you. [screams] And God forbid you got caught. Your roommate comes walking in, “He’s f*cking a blow-up doll!” Dude, your life was over! You had, like, six minutes to get your mom on the phone. “Mom, I love you, and you’re never gonna see me again! Don’t believe what people said about me! I’m so sorry! I’m going to Alaska! Oh, God, God!” Click. That was it. You moved to Alaska. No one ever saw you again. And that’s why, to this day, if you go to Alaska, there’s, like, eight men for every two women. Yeah, ’cause that state is littered with men who got caught f*cking sh!t they shouldn’t have been f*cking. [laughter] So, now, fast-forward to about 2016, I’m in New York City, right? And I’m looking through the newspaper, whatever, and I come across an article, and it’s on this robot that, for $10,000, you buy this thing, you can have sex with it. Right? Now, notice, five minutes ago, I brought up a blow-up doll. Didn’t even have a joke, just said “blow-up doll” and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha. A blow-up doll. “Who would do such a stupid thing?” Right? “That’s weird.” Five minutes later, I say, “A robot that you can have sex with,” dead silence in here. [laughter] As if, collectively, you were all just like, “Well… [laughter] What does it look like?” I’m not gonna lie to you. It still looks like a dead body, but it looks way f*cking better… than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago. And that’s what scares me. Because everything gets better. Right? You look at when cars first came out, the stupid horn… Ah-oo-ga. You had to crank-start it, you’d run over your best friend. Now you can start one up with a remote control from, like, 50 yards away. Right? Remember when airbags first came out? They just had one for the driver. [squeals] Ah! “My family! [laughter] [sobs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Why would you just save me?” [laughter] And then, eventually, they got airbags for everybody. Well, these robot sex dolls are gonna be no different. Okay? They’re just gonna keep getting better and better and better, and these f*cking nerds are not gonna be making any regular-looking robot dolls, right? You know, some girl next door, you know, just some plain Jane, the chick your mom likes, being like, “Well, there’s a nice girl you could settle down with. She knows how to cook.” F*ck that. They’re gonna make Victoria’s Secret supermodels, just absolute, like, Paris runway-looking supermodels, and you’re gonna come home to one of these things and it’s gonna laugh at all your jokes. [robotic laughing] It’s gonna sit down and watch the game with you, like, “It doesn’t get any better than this. Yes, it does!” Ah! Ah! Ah! And it’s gonna get up and make you a f*cking, I don’t know, Bundt cake or a meat pie, whatever the f*ck you people eat, right? [laughter] There’s not gonna be a human woman in here that’s gonna be able to compete with that… for longer than 90 minutes, even on your birthday! By the third trip to the fridge, she’ll be like, “F*cking get it yourself! What am I, your slave? Go f*ck yourself!” And after you’ve been with one of these robots, like, sex dolls, you’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman. Right, with all her hopes and dreams… and her needs. You’re gonna be coming home. She’s like, “What is going on with you? We’re not connecting. We need a date night.” All you’ll be thinking is, like, “How do I shut this f*cking thing off? What, is it on nagging mode? Why isn’t it blowing me right now? I clearly entered the room. I entered the room. It’s supposed to drop to its knees and blow me. I don’t understand.” Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at, like, a dictator level. Like, “Me and my man tits have arrived! Service me! Say that I am your lord!” Yeah, that’s it. You’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman, and then nobody’s gonna be f*cking women, so they’re gonna get lonely, so they’ll have to create a doll for you guys, right? A giant f*cking… I don’t know what you guys are into. I don’t pretend to know. Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking f*cking robot doll, f*cking eight-pack abs, a robot d!ck down to the floor. You know? Holds both your hands when you tell a story. All right? [laughter and applause] Whatever you’re into! Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon. “It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere.” [robotic laughing] Yeah. I think they’re gonna f*ck us into extinction. ‘Cause at that point, the only people left having sex with other human beings are gonna be hipsters and the homeless. Right? Because hipsters, they love all the old sh!t, right? Cassette tapes, Frisbees, dressing like a cobbler… Whatever the f*ck it is they’re doing, right? But even a homeless guy, you know, after, like, I don’t know, a couple of years, he’ll be able to drag some old, one-legged, f*cked-out robot model out of the trash, drag it back to its lair. That thing will still be building him up, you know, just laying there, like, “I don’t think you smell that bad.” [robotic laughing] “This is my favorite bridge.” [robotic laughing] Yeah. And we’re all gonna f*cking die off, and what’s gonna be left to fight these robots off is gonna be an entire generation of hipster spawn. Yeah! And they’re gonna go to war ironically. [laughter] Yeah. Dressing… Dressed like… I don’t know, f*cking growing Civil War beards, dressing like Star Wars action figures, and they are gonna get f*cking slaughtered! And right when they get down to the last 30, there’s gonna be a liberal robot going like, “We should save a few for posterity.” Right? And they’re just gonna stick them in a zoo… and be this little hodgepodge of what was left. You know, black, white, Latin, Asian, gay, straight, trans, whatever. Whatever the f*ck, right? And they’re still gonna be arguing with each other. The robots will just be standing outside, going, “I love it when they cross their legs.” [laughs robotically] [laughs] Yeah. And this is the f*cking world that I brought my daughter into. Like, I actually… am legitimately scared about them. I don’t know. I gotta tell you, though, becoming a dad was the greatest… is the greatest f*cking thing that ever happened to me. It really is. I don’t have any jokes about my kid. No, it is. [cheering and applause] And you’re applauding my wife. She did all the work. Yeah. Yeah, knocking a woman up, that’s easy. You just have fun. You… Unprotected sex, bam, you knock them up, and then they have to deal with it. You know? No matter how much they try to drag you into it, it really is, it’s their show. You know? I always say my wife… When my wife was pregnant, I’d say, “My wife, you know, she’s pregnant.” Then I have these people like, “Excuse me, you’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.'” It’s like, “Well, I’m not a seahorse, so I’m not f*cking pregnant.” My wife is pregnant. She’s putting on weight, her feet are swelling up. You know, she’s miserable. F*cking miserable. I’m still doing pull-ups. I’m crushing it while being pregnant. I’m still drinking, smoking, yeah. [chuckles] No, the only thing that sucked was I had to get rid of my dog. Yeah. Had to find her a new home. Well, I finally had to admit that she was f*cking crazy. I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah, it was one of these f*cking dogs, man. It tried to kill both of my parents. It tried to kill my father-in-law. It bit one of my friends. I’d have family come over, friends or whatever, we’d have to stick it in the back room, like, lock the door. For the first hour, it’d just be throwing itself up against the door. “I’ll f*cking kill all you motherf*ckers! I’ll kill all you motherf*ckers!” Looking under the door, “I can see your feet! I know what you smell like! I’ll follow you home. I’ll find you. I’ll f*cking kill all of you!” And we were just in total denial, like, “No, she’s just a little, you know, a little scared… ’cause she was abused.” And we got, like, a trainer and all of that sh!t, and he finally said, “Listen, man, this is one of these dogs nature said no to, but people said yes to.” So I’m like, “Jesus Christ, you could’ve told me that 10,000 f*cking dollars ago!” You know? So now my wife, she’s five months pregnant, she’s six months, seven, eight months pregnant. It’s just the f*cking… this thing just hanging over my head, and finally I said to my wife, “We gotta do something about this.” I’m not gonna be this guy in the news, being like, “Well, you know, uh, the dog loved me and my wife, so I figured it’d be all right to let it sleep near the bassinet. And, well, you can imagine my surprise the next morning…” Yeah. I wasn’t gonna be that guy in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right? I gotta get rid of this thing. So we called my trainer, and he goes, “All right, I’ll take it.” Okay, thank God they’re not gonna put the dog down or anything like that, so I’m like, “Thank God.” So he goes, “I’ll come back in a week.” And it was very sad because we both loved this dog, like, with all our hearts, right? And what amazed me, though, was over that week, the way my wife handled grief versus me. It was so mature. She just, like, took it on. I just went into denial. I was just like, “Well, I’m not giving it away tomorrow, so I’m not gonna think about it.” And I just called the dog up on the bed, started petting her and lashing out at people for no f*cking reason. Right? My wife just went into the bathroom that night. She was brushing her teeth. I could just hear her quietly crying. [weeping] I swear to God, I was on the bed, and I literally… I got mad at her. I didn’t yell at her. Just… I had it just internal, you know? And I was just thinking, like, “Why is she having the proper emotion in this f*cking moment? Why isn’t she just blocking it out the f*cking way I am?” Right? “Just don’t deal with it till you f*cking give it away, and then just start yelling at people. The way I do.” Right? That’s what we did. I blocked it out, and every night, she would cry a bit more. The whole week… [weeping] Till the night before, she’s like… [sobs loudly] Right? And what I didn’t realize was she had cried herself into acceptance. And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line. And there’s a knock at the door, and she goes, “Okay, he’s here. Go get the dog.” And I’m like, “Hey, Cleo!” And she popped her head up, and I saw her wagging her f*cking tail, and all of a sudden, eight years of conditional love all started bubbling up, and I was like, “Oh, f*ck, not now! Not now!” So I just pushed it down. [grunts] I just walked at her like some weird game show host. “Hey, how are you? I’m smiling for no reason, all right? Now we’re going for a walk. I’m just gonna say what we’re doing so I don’t think about what I’m feeling.” And I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner, pet her on the head, didn’t even look her in the eye, ’cause I knew I couldn’t, and just turned around and walked away from something that I had loved more than I had loved anything in my life up to that point. Don’t tell my wife. All right? [laughter] Then I come back into the house. She’s just looking at me. She knows I’m out of my f*cking mind. She’s like, “Are you okay? Everything all right? Wanna talk about it? We could go get something to eat?” I’m like, “No, I’m fine. Sometimes, you have to be up here and think logical, and not be in your heart. I’m just gonna go into the bathroom for a second.” And I went in, and I closed the door, and for 0.8 seconds, cried like a little boy, before I put the lid back on the jar. Fastened it back and just added it to the shelf of anger that sits in every man’s chest. Yeah. [cheering and applause] And I couldn’t help but wonder in that moment who that I love in my life is gonna pay for that in the future. [laughter] Like, where am I gonna be? Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond… “How many f*cking towels do we need? Jesus Christ, it’s a f*cking sickness with you!” “Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand where this is coming from.” Listen, you guys are so awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I had a great time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering and applause] Seriously, thank you, guys, so much. It’s been the best two days of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night! [cheering continues]

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George Carlin: Dumb Americans (2006) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-dumb-americans-transcript/

From Life Is Worth Losing Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York “It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it”. People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Do you ever notice that? Oh, my goodness, yes. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Nitwits, assholes, fuck ups, scumbags, jerk offs and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote, yeah. In fact, sometimes you get the impression They’re the only ones who vote. You can usually tell who’s been doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns. Man, it sure ain’t me out there wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that. You know those people on the “Jerry Springer Show”, those are the average Americans. Oh, yeah, believe me. Below average can’t get on the show. Can’t get on. Below average is sitting home watching that shit on TV, getting ready to out and vote, filling out their sample ballot. People are fucking dumb. You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. I love the freedoms we used to have. I love it. I love that. I love it when it didn’t take a fucking catastrophe to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we’re on camera all the time from all angles. But, you know, you can say what you want about America. And I say I love this place. I wouldn’t have it any other way, wouldn’t live in any other time in history in any other place. But say what you want about America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We’ve got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around this country. Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know. Now, obviously that doesn’t include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive but the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. Now, this ain’t just ranting and raving. This ain’t just blowing off steam. I got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me seems to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited… Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians but. Hey, it was nice when we stole it. It looked pretty good. It was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It’s fucking embarrassing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today, a shopping mall. A big, fucking shopping mall. You know that. That’s all you got. That’s all you got here, folks. Mile after mile of mall after mall. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls. And in between the mini malls they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts. You’ve got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, Laundromats, cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do the people feel about living in a coast-to-coast shopping mall? Well, they think it’s JUST FUCKING DANDY! They think it is as cool as can be. Because Americans love the mall. They love the mall. That’s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time. Shopping and eating. Millions of semiconscious Americans day after day shuffling through the malls shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise-soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. America will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit,if you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them. This country is big-time pig time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Because everything in this country is king size. King size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big, fat motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstrous thighs and big, fat fucking asses. And if you stand there for a minute and you look at one of them, you’ll look at one of them and you begin to wonder, How does this woman take a shit? How does she shit? And even more frightening, How does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her. Of course. With a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless fucking husband Joe Six Pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle. This guy ain’t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and you look at the two of them. You begin to wonder to yourself, Do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn’t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they’re in that “Cirque du Soleil” or something. I’m telling you the people in this country – every one of them – is 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime – God help us – in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver us from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has got two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt… “I’m with stupid.” Apparently in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts. Everyone in the family has got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And… Another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They ain’t got enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, they’re gonna buy more. They’re going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV that’s got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping on the way, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough. These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. It’s their civic duty. Consumption. It’s the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. It’s consumption. The only true lasting American value that’s left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need. MONEY THEY DON’T HAVE ON THINGS THEY DON’T NEED. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost 12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway! Not too bright, folks. Not too fucking bright. But if you talk to one of them about this. If you isolate one of them, you sit them down rationally, and you talk to them about the low IQ’s and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions. Right away they start talking about education. That’s the big answer to everything. Education. They say “We need more money for education. We need more books. More teachers. More classrooms. More schools. We need more testing for the kids”. You say to them, “Well, you know, we’ve tried all of that and the kids still can’t pass the tests”. They say, “Don’t you worry about that. We’re going to lower the passing grades”. And that’s what they do in a lot of these schools now. They lower the passing grades so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody’s happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you’ll need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there, it’s physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. “EDUCAATION”. Politicians know that word. They USE it on you. Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things, the flag, the Bible and children. “No child left behind. No child left behind.” Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t long ago you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start. Left behind. Someone is losing fucking ground here. But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason that education sucks. And it’s the same reason that it will never ever. Ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you got. BECAUSE THE OWNERS OF THIS COUNTRY DON’T WANT THAT. I’m talking about the real owners now. The real owners. The big, wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians… they’re irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. YOU DON’T. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU HAVE OWNERS. THEY OWN YOU. THEY OWN *EVERYTHING*! They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, and city halls. They got the judges in their back pocket. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear! THEY’VE GOT YOU BY THE BALLS! They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed. Well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want OBEDIENT WORKERS. OBEDIENT WORKERS. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits. The end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now, they’re coming for your SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back! So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street! And you know something, they’ll get it… they’ll get it ALL from you sooner or later… because they own this fucking place! It’s a BIG CLUB…AND YOU AIN’T IN IT! You and I are not in the big club! By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head. And their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy… The table is tilted. Folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good. Honest. Hard- working people. White collar. Blue collar. It doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good, honest, hard-working people continue… these are people of modest means. Continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. AT ALL. AT ALL! Yeah. You know. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth… It’s called the American dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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Mark Normand Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mark-normand-stand-up-tonight-show-starring-jimmy-fallon/

Aired on September 19, 2019 Hey, hey. All right. Thanks. Sorry. A little sluggish. Really did it up last night. I got to take it easy on the booze, you know. My cousin’s a doctor. He thinks we should get rid of alcohol. Said it kills 2 1/2 million people every year, which is sad, but, I mean, think of how many people it produces. Yeah. It’s got to be like 3-to-1, you know? If my parents didn’t drink, I might not be here. I’m definitely going to name my kids after the substance that got them conceived. “This is my daughter Tequila. This is my son Jager.” “What about the kid hugging your leg?” “Ha! That’s Molly.” Yeah, went out with my friend. He’s gay. We get along really well. He’s gay, I’m broke. I feel like poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know, right? Both born that way. Yeah. Yeah. Women just want to be our friends. And when you finally tell your parents they’re like, “Yeah, we knew.” Yeah. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, we were drinking that White Claw. You guys ever touched — Yeah, that stuff’s — It’s too much. I like White Claw because it sounds like the new Marvel hero — White Claw, you know? Sounds like Wolverine’s overprivileged nephew, you know? White Claw’s superpower would be showing up to a wedding in flip-flops and driving his dad’s boat while hitting a Juul. Yeah. I’m doing better, though. I used to black out four or five nights a week. I’ve cut back. Now my phone is my main addiction. Everybody goes, “Hey, phone addiction — better than alcohol.” I don’t know. Same side effects. Both dangerous while driving, both what I go to when I’m nervous at a party, and both have helped us all sleep with very regrettable people. Right? The phone is just the new booze. Both are fun, but if you do it too long, it just becomes depressing. You know, you drink too much, you’re like, “I hate myself.” You look at your phone too long you’re like, “Ah, even Jeff found love? God!” Yeah. [Cheers and applause] Yeah. It’s too much. Too much. Yeah. My biggest fear used to be the bar closing. That was, like, my biggest fear. Now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know? Which is pretty good. 100 years ago, we had real problems. “My baby’s got the black lung. She might not make it through the night.” I’m like, “I’m at 2%. I might actually have to feel something.” Yeah. I’m hooked. Oh, geez. Yeah, I actually carry a battery pack on me now in case my phone dies. That’s insane. That’s like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask. That’s where I’m at. And I don’t even know — can you quit a phone? You know, like, If somebody goes, “Hey, I gave up drinking,” I go, “Good for you.” If somebody goes, “Hey, I gave up my phone,” I’m like, “How did you get here?” Yeah. The phone is ruining our lives. It’s bad. You know, I was walking down Third Avenue. I was next to a homeless guy. He was drunk. I was on my phone. We were doing the same stuff, you know? He’s yelling about the government. I’m tweeting at Trump, you know? He’s creepily staring at beautiful women. I’m scrolling through Instagram, you know? He’s flashing everybody. I’m sending a photo of mine. Yeah. I don’t know. [Cheers and applause] Yeah, we don’t know how to connect anymore. You know, my friend just got dumped, so I took him out, tried to wing-man him, meet some ladies for him. Didn’t go too well. You know, he got upset. He’s like, “Screw this. Let’s go to a strip club.” I don’t get that logic. You know, to me, that’s like going fishing, not catching anything, and being like, “Screw this. Let’s go to the aquarium.” It’s the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. [Cheers and applause] Oh, yeah. The only difference is — no one leaves an aquarium going, “I tell you — I think that flounder was into me. That’s one hot piece of bass.” Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I got to figure something out. I’m 35. You know, I’m at the age where all my friends are getting divorced. And, yeah, it’s tough. I’m surprised people still want to get married. That shocks me, especially younger people. They’re so against traditional stuff, you know? But, yet, every lady I know is dying to get married, which blows my mind. Ladies, you’ve come so far, so much progress, but, yet, when it comes to marriage, you guys get very old-fashioned. “I want the ring and the dress and the party.” What? Grow up. Ladies, you’re killing it. Go frolic, be free. “But it’s my special day.” All right. Why do you have to ruin mine? I don’t know. But that’s why you ladies are brilliant. You gals are geniuses, ladies, because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get married, yet, somehow, you’ve designed it to where the man asks you. That’s some Jedi-level mind trickery right there. Yes. Well-played. Right? Genius, ladies. Genius. You’re like Yoda. “I want to get married, but you’ll ask me.” Yes. You got it. “And you’ll get down on one knee.” No problem. “And you’ll buy me an expensive ring.” Will do. “And whose idea was this?” All Mine. Well-played, ladies. Well-played. I don’t know. Am I nuts? Marriage just feels like the least-romantic thing on the planet. It’s legal. Ugh! Got to go to a courthouse, get a license. What’s the license for? That’s the only license we don’t check, by the way. Driver’s license, liquor license. People check a fishing license. I’m gonna start checking marriage license. Next time I see a short, broke, weird guy — he’s like, “That’s my hot wife over there” — I’m gonna be like, “Let me see some I.D.” Thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart. Thank you. ♪♪ [Cheers and applause] -Hey! Mark Normand.

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Ryan Hamilton Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript

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Published on Sep 11, 2019 The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon [Cheers and applause] That’s very nice. Thank you. Someone said to me, “You look young from far away.” [Light laughter] And I think it might be the worst compliment I’ve ever heard… [Laughter] …in my life. It has a real M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end, doesn’t it? [Light laughter] “You look young.” “Yeah?” “From far away.” “Wow! I did not see that coming.” [Laughter] You are mean from up close is what you are. [Laughter] I… I don’t like you from this distance. I’m trying to stay young, you know, and move. We don’t move enough. Isn’t that a weird modern-day health concern? But it’s true. Do you ever sit sedentary for 36 hours and just go, “Boy, I don’t feel well right now.” [Laughter] I think it’s going to baffle historians. “What happened to these people?” “They just stopped. We’re not sure.” [Laughter] “They kind of slowly coalesced into a gel, and that was it for them. We have evidence that they were actually counting their individual steps one at a time.” [Laughter] “That’s how little they were moving.” [Cheers and applause] My friends are into running. And they say stuff like, “I’m addicted to running,” which I cannot wrap my head around. I am so addicted to stopping running. [Laughter] I can’t stop stopping running. The whole time I’m running, all I’m thinking is, “When does the addiction kick in?” [Laughter] Most things that are addictive take action quick, but this running seems to be a bit of an outlier — can we agree? [Laughter] I mean, you see people run who are meant to run. They look graceful and efficient. The whole time I’m running, there’s this thought going over and over in my head, which is, “I’ve never seen me run, but I don’t think this looks right.” [Laughter and applause] “One leg is doing far more work than it should. I might be skipping right now. I’m not certain.” [Laughter] So… [Laughter continues] Little things are happening. I fell down. I used to trip. [Light laughter] Do you understand? [Laughter] Here’s how life goes. Tripping — young. Falling — old. [Laughter] I fell down. It was significant. I’m calling it an adult fall. And I say that because I remember as a child adults talking to other adults about falling in very hushed, serious tones. Do you remember those conversations? “Ryan, Grandma fell.” [Light laughter] “Did you tell her to get up?” [Laughter] “I fell six times. It’s not even noon. What do you want from me?” [Laughter] But I understand now. I have a little empathy. I had my own adult fall. I fell on the streets of New York City. People were around. I mean, there was no denying it. Everyone asked, “Are you okay?” Yes, but let me make this point — not everyone meant it. That’s true. [Laughter] Two 25-year-old girls on the street go, “[Chuckles] Are you okay?” [Laughter] I mean, there was… [Laughter] [Laughter and applause] [Chuckles] [Applause continues] …zero empathy in their reaction. The words came out of their mouths. What they actually communicated was, “I wish my camera was on for that. That was spectacular.” [Laughter] “Are you okay?” Has anyone ever answered, “No,” to, “Are you okay?” in the history of falling down? My body was screaming I was not okay, and I still said, “I’m fine.” [Laughter] “I want to die alone right here. Put the orange cones around me and leave me alone.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] “Are you okay?” What am I supposed to say to two 25-year-old girls on the street? “No, can you two petite children take me to the hospital”? [Laughter] “What are you gonna do? Go get a grown-up, quick.” [Laughter] I was with a girl when I fell. [Audience ohhs] Let me just tell you the whole story. So, there we are. We’re at dinner. We’re enjoying each other’s company. Over time, I thought maybe we should date. So I brought it up. I said, “Maybe we should date.” She very kindly, as gingerly as humanly possible, said, “Maybe we should not date.” [Laughter] Now, it’s okay. I’m — I’m happy to have an honest conversation. but then we left the restaurant, and then I fell down. And… [Laughter] Now… [Laughter continues] My only wish for this whole scenario is that there could have been a little space between these two moments. [Laughter] That’s all. Just, does nobody have my back? Is there not one guardian angel petitioning for me, going, “Look, he threw a curve ball at dinner. Nobody saw that coming. Is there any way that we can push his adult fall by just a day?” And… [Laughter] …I can just hear God going, “You know, I would love to, but we’ve pushed this adult fall as far as we can possibly push it.” [Laughter and applause] “I’m very sorry. Everyone’s in place. There’s simply nothing I can do.” [Laughter] “Anyway, he’s gonna be fine. He looks young from up here.” [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I’m Ryan Hamilton. Thank you very much. Thank you. What? Oh, my God. What a great set. Ryan Hamilton! That’s a nice standing ovation for you there, buddy. Well done. Ryan Hamilton. For info on Ryan’s fall tour, visit ryanhamiltonlive.com.

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Nikki Glaser: Bangin’ (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nikki-glaser-bangin-transcript/

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! How’s it going, guys? Good? Let’s get started. Girls, okay, do you remember the first time you found out about blow jobs? Do you remember that day? It should be a different day than the first day you gave a blow job. I hope those were vastly different days for you. I hope you had a lot of time to process that information. I know I needed it. I was… The day I found out about blow jobs, it was a pivotal day of my life. It was… I remember the date actually, it was September 11th, 2001, and I don’t know what else happened that day. Devastated. I… couldn’t understand it. At first I go, “Blow job? Blow? Do you blow on it?” Remember that? Remember for a couple seconds you go, “Do you blow it? Uh!” You wish. You wish that’s all you had to do to it. Oh, that’d be a cakewalk. It’s much more invasive than that. Blowing on it! No, I didn’t… I couldn’t believe you have to like suck it. You have to like French a dick. I was like you… I thought I could, maybe like, mwah, like peck it, but you got to French it. All I knew about penises at this point in my life were that they’re these noodly things that hung between a guy’s legs, they pee from them, and you shouldn’t look at your cousin JD’s when you guys are getting changed to go swimming. Like, that’s all the information I had about penises. And now, one’s going to go in my mouth. Okay, I knew that sex was a thing, a penis would go in my vagina some day, but that was… It’s my vagina. Like, I don’t have tastebuds down there, or whatever… Like, stick whatever you want down there, I can’t taste it, okay? So, I was like, “Who cares about my vagina? But my mouth? That’s where candy goes. Like, I can’t believe you would put a dick there.” I was devastated. And you like… You kind of go, “Maybe I don’t have to do it, maybe it’s something that not every girl does.” And then you realize it’s kind of your destiny as a woman. Like, you’re gonna do it. You know when I realized you have to do it? Is when I found out it was one of the bases. ‘Cause I knew homeplate was sex, and if I ever wanted to have sex, ’cause I wanted to, I don’t know, make a family someday, I was gonna have to… You can’t skip a base, if you want kids you’re going to have to suck some dicks on the way to those kids. That’s the last thing my kids want me doing. Sex made sense ’cause it makes kids. What do blow jobs make, you know? And then you find out, careers. And it’s like, “Okay. I do want one of those. I would like to have one of those.” I got one. You accept it. You’re just like, “Okay, I’ll do that someday. Not today, but it’s going to happen. I…” I accepted it the same way I kind of accept death. I feel like, you know when you find out about dying and you’re like, “Oh, no. I don’t wanna die.” And it’s like, sorry you have to, you were born, so someday you have to suck a dick and die. Like, those are kind of like the touchstones of a woman’s life. You might get to vote and go to college somewhere in there, but then it’s back to sucking dicks and grave time. And then more information about blow jobs trickles in. Like, okay, if you do a good job at it you’re rewarded at the end with a liquid substance. Hold on, before the liquid you will know it’s about to come because he’s going to turn into a demon for a couple seconds. Sorry. Yeah, that’s a key part of this whole thing. He’s going to shape-shift… No one warned me about that. I’m here to… If someone hasn’t had sex before, I’m here to tell you before he comes, about five seconds before he comes, he turns… Every man turns into Vincent D’Onofrio’s character in Men In Black. You know the… That’s every man is on his way to that. I don’t know. It’s just like a… Like a roach crawling out of your eye, just… It’s frightening. And you’re like, “The liquids, I didn’t know… I don’t know any liquids.” All I know about that comes out of a guy is pee at this point. I’m like, “Is it pee?” They’re like, “You wish. Oh God, again. So naive, ‘pee’.” It’s much more viscous than pee. It’s… Pee has the consistency of like a Gatorade, whereas semen, it’s more like a bum’s loogie, if… It’s what it is. I know it’s gross, but when you like… These are facts and… When you spell it out like that, aren’t you, girls, aren’t you just like… Like, we’re so strong. Like, we… can do anything. Yes. I can’t believe we do it. I couldn’t believe about that liquid. I was just like, “That is awful. Where does it come from?” And then you find out it comes from the sack that rests beneath the noodle, the grossest part of a guy’s body that’s covered in hair and every… The balls! It’s so gross. The liquid’s so gross, the male body has found a way to store it outside of the body, because it’s like, “I don’t want this in me, either.” It’s just a… Balls are just a crock pot for the liquid, that’s been on simmer all day. And then, it drains into your head. I just… It just kept getting worse. What do you do with it? And that’s where you find out you get to exercise your right to choose as a woman. Thank God, finally. That’s… And that’s a right Congress will never take from us, ladies. Oh, they’ll try. They probably will, but… You have two choices, you can spit or you can swallow. Right, you got to register as one before November 9th. Just make sure you know what you’re gonna do. I knew what I was gonna do. I was registered as a spitter long before I ever got in that booth, you know what I’m saying? I knew I was gonna spit, because I knew about girls who spit and I knew about girls who swallowed. Girls who spit are grossed out by it, and they’re like… “Fuck off, gross.” And guys don’t appreciate it, but it’s far better than a girl who swallows, ’cause I knew girls that swallow… Oh, these sloven whores, they love it. It’s fuel for them. It’s how they survive. It’s the base of a slut’s food pyramid. It’s just a sturdy base of come. And so, I was like, “I’m not gonna be a slut. Like, I don’t wanna be that. So, when I give a blow job I’m totally gonna spit.” So, I get in there, I give my first blow job and I swallowed immediately, ’cause I was like, “This is disgusting. Let’s get it down the hatch. Take it like a shot. Like, this… is clearly the most efficient way to dispose of this.” Immediately. I didn’t even have to think twice about it. I’ve never spit, and… Ever! If you spit, that means you have to hold it in your mouth as you like walk through his apartment and find the bathroom that he shares with his roommates, you run into them, they’re all watching Varsity Blues in the living room. You have to be like, “Hey guys, is anyone in there? Can I get in or…? Oh, so, Andrew’s in the shower. I’ll wait. It’s fine. I love this movie. What is… This is such a good movie, I forget. You forget how good it is. You’re quoting classic lines. I’m like, “I don’t want your life.” Like, and I can… It’s a better James Van Der Beek because of it. Okay, it’s one benefit of it. But you’re doing like a wine tasting, like you’re just… And don’t get it twisted, guys, a girl isn’t… She’s not swallowing ’cause she’s like, “Yummy cummy in my tummy.” No. I mean, sometimes. Turns out I’m a whore. Pretty big whore. But, it’s usually ’cause you’re just like, “This is the way to get it done.” Sometimes, if I think a load is gonna be really gross, I’m like, “Let’s deepthroat.” So it’s like a feeding tube, and I don’t have to touch it to my taste buds, so… Pro tip. You’re welcome. Some girls love sucking dick. They like love it. And I’ve never understood it. I’m like, “What are you getting out of it?” And then I realize, it’s ’cause they’re good at it. That’s it. It’s as simple as that, truly. If you’re… If you love sucking dick, it’s ’cause you’re good at it. And if you don’t like it, if you’re like, “I hate blow jobs.” It’s ’cause you’re bad at it. It’s… You’re really bad at it. We like doing things we’re good at, and if you’re good at it you would do it all the time. If you’re just like, “It’s such a bore, it’s such a pain.” You suck at it and I’m one of you. I could have been good. All it would have taken was one guy to just like give me a compliment early on, you know. Someone to just like show me that I had a little promise or something. Just send me off in the right direction. We just want to be good. And… It’s early intervention is key. Like, I feel like true blowjob queens, girls that are like, “I love it.” It was like one of the first times they gave a blowjob, the guy was like, “You’re great,” and like believed in them. ‘Cause that’s what it takes. It takes one guy. One coach. One youth minister to lay the foundation for a girl. The first time, oh, you’re so nervous, and all you want is a guy to just take your chin and be like, “Hey, look up.” And you go, “What?” He’s like, “You’ve got spunk… in your hair, but like the way that you handled my balls is pretty cool. And I think you’re on to something.” Just anything. Little nudge. And that’s why I tell guys, lie to us. Tell us we’re good and we’ll blow you all the time. Honestly, like, you hook up with a girl and she blows you and it’s not very good, just lie and be like, “That was the best blow job ever.” ‘Cause she’ll just be like, “It was?” And then, she’ll like set off on a course to like be the best, and she’ll go out and she’ll be like, “I was good once.” You know? And I know you’re like, “Why would I encourage a bad blow job?” First of all, she’s going to blow you a bunch, ’cause this bitch has never heard she’s good. She’s going to be like, “This guy gets it.” And then, she’s going to blow you a bunch. And she’s going to get better with practice. She’s going to Malcolm Gladwell that shit, and you’re going to have an expert blowing you. Ten thousand hours later, you’ve got to work with her. It’s going to be several years. But she’ll get there. I mean, I don’t know. Just lie… Even if it’s so bad you can’t come. I swear to God, even if… You could be like, “That was so good I couldn’t come.” I’d be like, “I guess that’s a thing. I guess, cool, wow!” You could tell that to me tonight, and I just made it up, and I’d be like, “I guess that thing I made up is true, I don’t know.” That’s how bad I want to be good. An innocuous compliment from a guy you like means everything. I don’t think you guys understand what power you wield, with just dumb compliments. I stand before you tonight, because I did stand-up comedy one time fifteen years ago on a whim, I was like, “I’ll try it,” and I was fine, but a hot guy after the show was like “You were great,” and I was like “I’ll do it forever, thank you.” I swear to God. It’s just… I just needed someone to believe in me, and then I look at the first time I gave a blow job, and I’m like, “What did that guy say?” And it was not… It actually was the same, he was like, “You should do comedy. I mean, I’m serious. This is so funny, what you think is good.” So… I crave compliments. I love them so much. I was an ugly child. So, I like, I saw the people get them and I was like, “That looks fun to experience.” You know? I was diagnosed as an ugly child at… the age of 11, by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and… I didn’t know until then. I really didn’t, you know, and then he turned that canvas around and my dad was like, “That’s great. Oh my God, it’s uncanny.” And my whole family was like, “Woah! Nik, it’s you.” I’m like, “Really? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck teeth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut… a tiny bicycle.” But then, I knew. Listen, I kind of had an idea that I wasn’t that cute, you know. ‘Cause I had a really beautiful sister growing up. Never went through an awkward phase, she was just so stunning. She literally would stop traffic, when I pushed her in front of it. I tried to get her out of the way. And I’m the second prettiest sister and then there isn’t another one, but… So, I’ve got that, but… People would stop my mom as a child and tell my mom that my sister should be a model, like right in front of me, and be like, “This child needs to be a model.” And they wouldn’t see me at first and then I’d emerge from behind my mom’s legs like Nosferatu, like, “What should I be?” Just like, desperate to be discovered or whatever. And they’re like, “You should be… you’re going to be a model train enthusiast, probably. I think you should start collecting soon, ’cause you’re gross.” And I was like, “Cool.” Whenever I see two kids and one’s cuter than the other, I always tell the mom, “Your kids are cute.” I make an emphasis on kids and then I wink, ’cause she knows. She’ll know. And you can get away with a pretty obvious wink, ’cause usually the ugly one has like a lazy eye situation, so they’ll miss it entirely, so you can be… But just don’t single out one child as cuter than the other, ’cause we don’t need more female comics. I can’t take the competition, and that’s how you make them. As an ugly child, boys didn’t like me. I was okay with that at first. I was just like, “Good, like, I don’t want their dicks in my head, anyway, like this is perfect.” And then I hit puberty around like 22, and I was like… And at that time, guys started to take interest ’cause I had sort of blossomed into this like blackout drunk and… they wanted in. But the problem was, the second I thought that maybe I wasn’t so ugly up here, I realized I was ugly down here. I have a vagina that resembles a hastily packed suitcase. Yeah, okay. I know there are some bitches that are late for their flights tonight in here, too. I know you’re out there. I see you at the gym locker room. I spy on you. Yes, I do. There’s a lot of hermit crabs looking for new shells. Out and about. I know. I used to feel alone. I really did, ’cause you watch porn and you’re like, “Where’s my vagina?” That’s when I realized, I was like, “Shit… That’s not… None of these look like mine. I have a…” I felt like a young black girl watching Disney movies. I’m like, “Where’s one with me in it? Do you want to make one with me?” That would have been nice. “Oh, you made one with a mermaid before making one with me. Cool. That feels great.” But I truly… I didn’t know any other vaginas. And why would I? You don’t see vaginas growing up. You know? You don’t even see your mom’s. If you do, there’s a giant bush in front of it, so you don’t know what her lip action is. I had no idea. And now, mine has to be like out, you have to have like, here it is! No hair and everything’s out, and guys make fun of vaginas like ours. Don’t they, girls? We hear it. “Roast beef, five for $5. Cold cut combo.” I know they look like meaty sandwiches. I know. We get it, and it’s just like… Dead on, dude. It’s dead on! You nailed it. That’s what it looks like and it’s funny. It’s so funny, that’s what sucks. Sometimes, as a vegan, I offend myself sometimes. I’m like, “Meat is murder.” Every time I wipe. Throw paint on myself. It’s a whole process. But I’m just tired of caring. It’s just… And I’ve gotten over most of my insecurities. I feel like pretty good, ’cause I’ve done a lot of work up here and a little right here and… Got something on the books for this next week, but… Little snip-a-rooney. Great clips, but I… I didn’t masturbate my whole life, almost. I didn’t start masturbating till I was 28, ’cause I quit Zoloft. Yeah, I was on Zoloft for like my whole adult life, and I had orgasms, but what I thought were orgasms turned out to be like okay sneezes compared. Oh my God, I had my first real orgasm off Zoloft and I was like, “Why is everyone not doing this all the time?” And so I started, all the time. I was chronically masturbating. Like, a 28-year-old woman behaving like an 11-year-old boy, truly. You know you hear these stories from guys that are like, “I did it till I bled. I didn’t know.” I did that. It was my period but it counts, and I still count it. I was… I couldn’t stop. I did it on a plane once and got caught, and… She saw me and I was just like, “I thought you could in first class.” And she’s like, “No… Also, you’re seated in coach and you just walked up here, so that doesn’t even make sense.” And I go, “I thought if I was beyond the curtain.” Masturbating now, I just am too exhausted by all of it, you know? I’ve too many toys. I got all the toys. As soon as I started masturbating I was like, “I gotta get that rabbit. I’ve heard about this thing for a while.” So, I go to PetSmart and I get that thing, and I returned it, you know? I was just like, “This thing bit my clit off!” Felt good for a second, then… a lot of blood, but… I got too many toys. And now, when I go to masturbate, I just look at all my toys in the bucket… With a bucket? What the fuck did I just say? I do not have a bucket. I don’t want you thinking I’m having a bucket of dildos. It’s literally a ripped Victoria’s Secret bag, that I keep in my closet. So, I got to the old dick bucket. I have so many toys, too many. And every time I go to masturbate I have to like look at all of them, and I always feel bad that I’m not using all of them. I have some sort of Toy Story guilt with it all. I’m just like, “Oh, Woody, you used to be my favorite. I’ll sit on you.” And I’ll just sit on that, and I’ll put Buzz up here, and then I got something inside me that I’m working like this, and I just… It’s too much going on. I always feel like a one-man band. Eventually, I’m just like… “Come on, join in, kids.” Like, I just feel like a town square fool. There should be a monkey on my shoulder with a tambourine like collecting coins from passers-by like that is… I feel like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. That is how I feel every single time I masturbate. It’s not hot. Ironically enough, Dick Van Dyke are the three words I type in to find every porn that I look at. So, I need all those elements to really get me there. My porn searches are disgusting. Oh, man, those got gross, fast. Listen, I know what I like. I like bondage. I’m into like getting tied up. I’m into watching girls getting tied up. I don’t… I’ll sell it to you, ladies, if you’re not into it, you’re about to be. Guess what? Bondage, forced laziness. You don’t have to do anything to him if you’re tied up. “Oh, I want to jerk you off, but my hands are tied. Let me out! No, I’m just kidding it’s fine, just leave it. What are you doing?” If there’s a ball gag in your mouth, no dick in your head. It’s just very comfortable. You make it look like a struggle, like, “Oh no! Oh!” But, it’s easy breezy, man. They blindfold you, oh my God. And you go, “Oh no! I can’t see you, how am I going to come?” Easily. Thank you for the assist. It’s so good. But bondage porn, it’s always like in a cellar with like dripping walls. Or like a warehouse, and she’s just like abandoned. It’s like, can’t she be comfortable? I don’t understand why there always has to be a guy with a welder’s mask and a purpose, like with a stick. Like, can’t it be nicer? But it can’t be, they’re always mean to her. And I’m just like, “Be nice!” Like, she’s invited all these dudes over. You guys… One of you showed up late, there’s nowhere for your dick to go now. And so… I hate that guy. He’s always just like, “Where do I go?” It’s just like, “Go fill the Brita, Tony. Why were you late? Like, do something useful. We’re all going to be very dehydrated after this.” But… no. Then Tony’s just like hitting his dick on her shoulder, as if that’s doing anything for either of them. And it’s just like, “Look inside yourself, Tony. Why were you late?” God! She’s not like a bison on the Great Plains. You don’t need to use every single part of her… to honor her. Gangbangs, like, I love gangbangs, but I’m just looking for like a respectful gangbang. Like, why not just a nice… Be nice to her. A respectful gangbang, that would just be a girl tied up, and guys doing lots of things to her down here, and then up here guys just brushing her hair and telling her she’s strong. Respectful. It’s all I want. You know what’s frustrating about masturbating when you’re a woman, is that you can’t really fuck yourself, you know? Like, you can do clit stuff or whatever, but truly, having been penetrated, it’s hard to do to yourself. Like, this is… And it is hard to come from that if you’re like doing a CrossFit sequence, as you’re like getting tennis elbow. I mean, it’s a lot of work and I always give up. And I’m just like, “This is too hard.” And that’s why I get so jealous of guys, ‘cause I’m like, “Jerking off is so easy for guys.” It’s just this… That’s so… That’s literally… That’s what you do when you think… When you say something’s easy. You’re just like, “we’ll fucking bang it out and go to Chipotle, man. I’ll just… Just get the reports done, and we’ll go to the game.” Like, that’s how easy that is. Uh, I’m jealous. ‘Cause I like a dick in me, I’m sorry. I like getting stuffed. I do. It feels good and I’m not going to apologize for it. I just like… But the problem is, and people are like, “Oh, then why don’t you just go have sex, Nikki. If you want to catch a dicking, go out and get one.” It’s like, I would and I used to when I drank, but if you’re sober you can’t just have casual sex. I don’t know if anyone here has had casual sex sober, but like, how did you do that? Having casual sex sober, it’s really… It’s a lot more intimate. It turns into an episode of Dawson’s Creek for some reason. A Counting Crows song starts playing. I’m just like, “What’s happening?” It’s like, “Round here.” I’m just like, “Where is that coming from?” This has meaning, when it shouldn’t. Sometimes you don’t want sex to mean anything, and you just want to like bang it out and live your life, but you can’t when you’re sober. When I drank, oh, that’s all I did. If I wanted to like, get dicked out, I’d just like… None of this sounds real good. If I wanted to get… I wanted to say I had had sex, but I didn’t want to experience it, and that’s what would be perfect. I would just be like “I feel like getting fucked.” And so, I would just blackout drink, hone in on a guy and then like kind of Cosby myself into this situation where… I would bepenetrated that night by a comedian, and not remember any of it. I’d wake up in the morning, I wouldn’t even know what I had done. And sometimes I’m like, “Oh dear, is that…? Did I do anal or is that bronzer?” Like, I would try and figure it out, you know those mornings? Where you’re like, “Did I have sex? I don’t know. I should know that.” I’d figure it out if the sheet was stuck inside me. I’d be like, “Okay, I probably had sex.” That’s a classic post-sex old Glase-dog move. I always do a tuck, right. ‘Cause I don’t like to go to bed with a soggy vag, so I just like tuck it up. I don’t want to be sloshing around all night. And so, I tuck and release, and I don’t get yeast infections, girls. Like, it’s a good plan if you don’t want to get a yeasty, just tuck and release, but sometimes you’re drunk and the tuck feels so good, and you just leave it, and then it dries overnight, and you gotta peel it off like a Bioré Strip in the morning, and that’s… It hurts. You leave behind a paper mache stalagmite on his duvet. It’s not a nice way to be remembered. Trying to flatten it when he’s in the bathroom. I’m just like, “Go away. Out, damn spot.” There are embarrassing moments like that, but like, you know, most of the time having drunk sex, it made it just a lot easier to just, to get it, you know? And sometimes when I’m sober, I got with a guy and I’m like, “God, I’d love to feel that way again.” So, I’ll just like take out one contact lens just to feel a little off. Just to be like, “Maybe I’ll make some mistakes and…” It takes a lot now, for me to want to have sex with a guy and it’s because sober sex, it’s risky, right? Your body, as a woman, when there’s a penis in you, and you’re sober for it, it like thinks you’re making a baby with the guy, so it like shoots off all these chemicals, that are just like… “Remember him.” You know? “Hold on to him. Wait for him. He’s going to provide for you.” And I just want to tell my dumb cavewoman brain, like, “I’m gonna do everything in my power to not get pregnant right now. I hope you know that, and by that I mean the pull-out method. Like, that’s the best I can give you, body.” And it works. It’s worked for me most the time. I’m probably barren, that’s what I’ve determined. Like, it’s not supposed to work. I’ve had one pregnancy scare. It was double scary. It was in a haunted house and I… I was alarmed. Yeah. A woman like jumped out in a bloody sheet and I was like, “I haven’t seen those in a while.” And it reminded me that I hadn’t ruined a sheet set that I love in over a month. So, I was like, “Oh, I should…” When you use the pull-out method, you sometimes need to supplement with the morning after pill, which I’ve taken a handful of times and… No, I took a handful one time, I’m sorry. And… It’s different. No, the morning after pill, let me just tell you though, you can take it up to 72 hours. I don’t think… that’s not in the name, the Morning After. They need to change the name, ’cause sometimes you have sex in the morning and you’re like, “Okay, I’ve got to wait till tomorrow morning, I guess, to take it.” And then you forget and you start a family, so… It’s three days. You have three days, and I’m trying to get it changed to the Long Weekend After the Holidays… The Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday Weekend After Pill. I think that’s… Gives you an idea of the chunk of time you have. And I’m getting a lot of pushback from his foundation, but… But you have three days, and I’ve used them all before, and it’s not ’cause I’m like, “Oh, I’m lazy.” It’s ’cause I’m just waiting till I need to get toilet paper, too. I’m like, “I’ll kill two birds or three, twins run in my family. I don’t really know how this thing works, but…” I am willing to take it, especially if the guy asks. Have you ever had the guy ask you to do it? I’ll always… I’ll do it, especially if he pays. And I’m like, “Yeah, if you give me fifty bucks.” And he does, and you go to Sephora and you pray. And that works. It might cost you a little on the back end, but what other excuse do you have to spend $49 on an eyeliner, so… Isn’t it funny when they ask you to take the morning after? I’m always just like, “Oh my God. Yeah, I’ll take it. It’s so cute that you think that I want your baby. Like, it’s so funny that… Dude, I would abort your child so soon, like you don’t even… I wouldn’t even call you, it’s so… Oh my God, huh.” I wouldn’t think twice, I’d just go to a clinic and be like, “Hey, I slept with a guy who wears tank tops that say ‘rise and grind.'” And they’d be like, “In and out, ma’am. Let’s get her in. Let’s go. Well… We need all hands on deck for this one. It’s going to be on the house for this lady.” Alabama would allow that one. That’s the one caveat they have. Only in cases of tank tops with motivational words on them. “Oh, he raped you. Never mind, you have to keep it.” I know, sorry, isn’t the truth weird? It’s so weird. But this is the problem… Is I was sleeping with tank toppy guys a lot of times… last year. ‘Cause I came up with a strategy. I kept sleeping with guys I liked, ’cause I liked them, and then I would fall for them, and I was like, “This is a pain in the ass.” ‘Cause they don’t text you back and it’s just like, uh, it’s annoying. I’m just tired of screenshotting conversations between men who will never love me and myself, and sending them to my friends to be like, “What’s he thinking?” And they’re like, “Nothing. It’s all blue, Nik. Get a hold of yourself. None of these are delivered, we kind of think he blocked you, so…” And so, I came up with a plan. I was like, “Oh, I’ll only have sex with guys who I would never want to love” Right, then I’ll never like want them to be my boyfriend. So, I pick a guy with like a necklace, right, like a dangly outer necklace. Not an inside one, ’cause you can’t ever predict those. Girls, we’ve all slept with guys with necklaces, where we didn’t know it was there until we got naked with them, and then you see it and you’re like, “Okay… I feel like I wouldn’t be doing this right now if I knew that was there. I really feel a little bit hoodwinked by you at this moment, but… our shirts are off, so… I’ve got to at least blow you or something. Great. Them’s the rules.” So, I go after a guy with like an active necklace and… Which is good, though, because during the sex it’s like hanging over you, like swaying back and forth as a reminder… that he’s not to be loved… and/or respected, right? It’s right there. And you feel good. And they always have a dumb reason for their necklace, too. It infuriates me. “It’s my grandfather’s dog tags. Hold it close.” I’m just like, “Okay, good, at least the spirit of a real man will be hovering over me tonight.” That’s a plus, I guess. Someone who actually fought for something other than a parking spot at GameStop. So, I slept with a necklace guy, and I feel good. The next day, I would feel good. I would have like a little whore’s skip in my step. Like, “I just banged, and I don’t even care if I hear from him. Like, I’m a Samantha. We do exist, right” And then I’m in line at Starbucks, and I’m just like waiting, and I let my thoughts go, I don’t know, three thoughts too far, and I’m just like… “I love his necklace. Like I… love necklaces, and I love him for wearing that stupid necklace. Like, I made fun of him for that necklace, and I think it’s the worst thing about him, I think it might be the best thing about him, because like his necklace… I made fun of reasons for necklaces, but his is actually good, like he went to Aéropostale, it was on sale and he liked it. So, like… That’s a legit good reason. Oh my God, I wonder where I’m going to store my necklace when I move in with him? Like, I wonder where… If he has like a necklace tree. Oh my God, I bet when he’s ready for me to move in with him, he’ll like clean a branch off the necklace tree. And we’ll be in bed on like a Sunday morning, and he’ll be like, ‘Go check the necklace tree.’ I’m going to be like, ‘Why? We’re in bed. I wanna cuddle.’ He’s like, ‘Just go check the tree.’ And I’m like… ‘You’re being weird.’ And then I go and there’s like a ring on one of the branches. It’s like… ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m moving to Fort Worth, like, this is insane.'” And then, I’m done. And then, I’m in love with a guy who’s not going to text me back, ’cause he knew the rules, and it’s just like… It’s not worth my time anymore, so I’ve just… No more penises in me. That’s my new rule. No more. And it sucks ’cause sex, now that that’s off the table, man, what do I have? That was the one thing I was good at. If I would hook up with the guy, I would go right from making out, and I’d be like, “Let’s fuck.” And it wasn’t cause I like, “Loved a dick in me.” I’m just like, “This is the easiest thing to do.” And I’m good at it. I like doing things I’m good at. Girls like doing things they’re good at. I am great at getting fucked. I just am, and I know that’s braggy, but I was just born with the ability to kick back and have a hole, like, I just like… lean into it. And as a whole, I think… As a whole as a hole, I think it is by far our best option to get you off, is having sex. It’s the easiest. I never understand when girls are like, “No, I didn’t have sex with him. We did everything except sex.” I’m like, “Are you exhausted? Why would you do all the hard stuff? What’s in it for you?” Sex at least, like, if you have sex it’s going to feel good. You could come, you know? You won’t, probably, like most of the time you don’t, but it’s like on the table, right? Our options to get you off, just are like… They’re not great, and we have to get you off. We do, right, girls? You have to get a guy off, ’cause we all learned about blue balls, right? I grew up in a generation of women who went through a course similar to the DARE program about blue balls, in which we learned that it is our duty to get you off, if you think you’re going to get off, you know? If you make a guy hard, it’s… You have to see it through or you’re like a selfish cunt. Like, you… Why did you make him hard then, if you didn’t want to make him come? So, do it, you know? If you build it, he must come. You know the rules. Finish what you started. Clean Plate Club You get all these… Like, “I will.” And I certainly will, because blue balls is a pain. It’s a severe pain that I could inflict on a man by not blowing him. That’s so mean. And the pain, apparently, girls, we can’t even understand it. We can’t. Physiologically our bodies are not made to understand that kind of pain, but I can guess the closest we can get is like maybe a spinal fracture, or like a gunshot wound. That’s kind of in that range. So you go, “Oh my God, I don’t want to make this guy feel that pain.” This guy that I don’t really even like that much. So, you blow him or you fuck him, ’cause you’re like, “I don’t want you to be in pain. Here’s the antidote.” And then you find out it’s not a pain and that’s a bunch of bullshit. It’s not a pain. It’s a feeling, for sure. It’s a feeling, and I will validate that. It is just like a… “I want to. Please, but I want to! Mom! It’s not fair! He got to come!” That’s it. That’s the feeling. I know, and you can’t act that way either, ’cause you’re a man, you know, or at least you’re dressed like one, so… You have to like bottle up that intense anger, and it must be annoying, and I get it, I’ve felt that way. I’ve not come before, like almost exclusively, so I understand… cranky clit or whatever it is to me. I felt that frustration and it sucks. And you feel it as a girl, if you don’t make a guy come, and you give him blue balls or whatever that is, you feel it the next day. Girls, you ever spend the night in a bed with a guy and not touch his dick? The next morning, the energy will have shifted in the room. There’s just a palpable anger, that even he is not aware of, but he’s tying his shoes kind of loud and you’re like, “Ah! Yikes!” He will have brought you to his place in an Uber black, but then you’re going home in a Lyft Share. I mean, things have taken a turn. So, you just make guys come. Like you’re just like, “I’ll make him come, ’cause I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want them to be mad at me. I don’t want them to feel bad or sad, so I’ll just fucking… Here, take a come. You can have a come.” I was doling out comes all through my twenties. Gave away so many comes, and then I came up with a way to like stop giving out comes, which is I just wouldn’t touch their penises. ‘Cause if you don’t touch their penis then you don’t have to do anything about it. That’s a trick I learned, it’s like, if you touch their hard dick, it’s like inviting a vampire in your house, like you’re obligated to then do something about it, or whatever that rule is. But you can avoid touching their dick. At the end of a date, I always keep my hands up here, ’cause I’m just trying to figure out if I want to touch their dick or not. But I’m just keeping them up here and kind of keeping my space. ‘Cause I haven’t decided, maybe I do want to touch your dick. I don’t know yet. I’m trying to figure it out. I probably… It’s always between, “Oh, do I go home with him or go home and eat?” Like, that’s usually kind of the battle in a woman’s mind. Especially me, like, if I’m nervous about a date, I usually haven’t like eaten enough that day, ’cause I’m scared we’re gonna have sex and I don’t wanna fart during it, so I’ve like just been like… So, I’m starving at this point and I’m just like, “I’m just going to go home.” But sometimes, they like… They get frustrated and they’re like, “Maybe she doesn’t know I’m hard.” I think that sometimes you guys are like, “Maybe she doesn’t know.” So, they’ll take your hand and kind of Helen Keller you, “Hey, I’m hard right…” And you’re like, “Oh, thank you, papa.” Like, I just… I don’t know why ‘papa’. That doesn’t fit either scenario, but we had fun. But then you touch it, and I do like a hot stove now, I’m like, “I didn’t touch it, so I don’t have to do anything.” Cause if you don’t touch, you can just kind of go, “Goodnight.” And like, float away on a toadstool, and like, go home and eat in bed. And then… But then, if you touch it, you have to… You either have to do something to it, or you have to tell him that you don’t want to do anything with it at this point, right? And you’re just like, “I just don’t like you enough now, or I’m not comfortable.” It’s like a hard conversation to kind of have and sometimes… I’m better at sucking dick than I am at sharing my true feelings. And so, I blow a guy to avoid telling him the truth. I’ve done it so many times. But… I just… For me to make you come now, I just like… If I’m not having sex, that used to be my go-to. Now, I’m like, “I have to blow you?” And I’m still not confident in my blow jobs and I was… I’m trying to get better, but recently I gave one, and 90 seconds in, the same thing happened that always happens, the guy just kind of held my head steady and decided to fuck it himself, you know? Kind of took over and and treated my head like a bird house. That’s how I got through it, is pretending I’m a birdhouse. I just… I have no rhythm. I have no natural rhythm. And so, I actually was like, “Thank you, take the wheel. I don’t know what you want.” I just don’t have a good sense of rhythm. I may be able to show you a good time, if you’ve like a metronome on your nightstand, but it’s just not… Most girls do not like when you grab their head and just hold it and fuck it, but I truly appreciate the gesture and… ‘Cause then I can focus on what I’m actually good at, which is going to be surviving this blow job, because my breathing is now up to you, good sir. ‘Cause you don’t seem to understand that I can’t breathe when your dick is in my head. So, I hope you let me get a couple gasps in here and there. I always feel like I’m lost at sea when I’m sucking dick, and I’m just like emerging like, “Coast guard!” And just getting sucked back under. I’ve got to time them perfectly. And I’m good at breathing during blow jobs, ’cause I didn’t know guys didn’t know we couldn’t breathe, but we can’t breathe when your dick is in our head. I have to get it through to you. I know you think we can, because of our nose. You’re like, “Your nostrils don’t have dicks in them.” Like, clearly it’s an open passage. It’s the only way to shut off a girl’s breathing. Let me tell you that it’s from within. I don’t know what’s happening, but when the dick’s your head, you can’t breathe through your nose. You can’t… It’s like an inside job. You can’t… I can’t explain, but it’s all getting clogged. It doesn’t take a big dick. It doesn’t take deepthroat. It’s just all… And it’s rarely deepthroat by the way. I just want to just briefly tell you that when you think… I don’t know… Sometime you just go, “Take it.” You know, you jam it and it’s not like drain snaking its way gently down our esophagus like… Like a boomerang of a lady going down a waterslide. Like, “Oh, so fun. Easy does it.” No, it’s jamming into the back… It’s crumpling into our soft palate. I’m like, “Does he know this is a cul-de-sac? Like, there’s no way through.” Drive like your kids live here, like, take it slow, dude. He’s punching in the… Ramming the back of your head. It hurts. It feels like you’re trying to punch through like a game on The Price is Right. It’s so aggressive and it hurts. It really does hurt. And I don’t know if you guys can’t tell ’cause you can’t see, but start to look, you’ll be able to tell just by just… It’s a little thing we do, like, the tears streaming down our face. Thick tears, just like an elephant who lost a friend. Like those, just kind of like… That could be an indication. I couldn’t be… I guess I wouldn’t have known that, you know, you can’t breath if a dick’s in your head, had I not been on the receiving end. I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t have, but I’m here to tell you we can’t. And I found out guys didn’t know that we couldn’t breathe from watching a porn. Not even from my own experience. I saw this guy, and he was using this girl’s head as a fleshlight, pretty aggressively. And he did the thing where he was like, “Take it all.” And he… ‘Cause he was mad at his Mom. Clearly, it was something to do with her. She didn’t pick him up from school a couple times and she said she was going to make an effort to do so, and she was late and it was embarrassing, and so, he’s taking it out on Savannah, and she had nothing to do with it. I mean, it was in the 80s, well before she was born and so… So he’s… “Take it, bitch.” And he’s holding her there for a while, and I was holding my breath with her, ’cause I was like, “I got you, girl. I know you can’t breathe. Solidarity. Neighborhood Watch. Like, I am on it.” So, I’m watching… and it’s about a minute in and I’m like, “This girl’s a pro. This is incredible. She must deep sea dive or some shit like that. This is awesome.” And then, I saw him see her struggle. And he goes, “Oh, you think that’s bad? What about now?” And he plugged her nose to be like, “Take it to the next level.” I’m like, “This fucking idiot.” First of all, that is the most worthless, like, “What about now?” He should have been like, “What about now?” And added like a fun Mardi Gras mask flourish, that would have been a more interesting challenge. Than this, which you’re already doing. So I was like, “Oh my God, if this guy thinks she can’t breathe now.” Like, I’m about to watch her die, you know? So I came really hard, and I go back to it and I check in on her and I go… She survived. I’m happy to tell you she lived. ‘Cause she knew, and she’s smart, and she did her safe word to get out of that, which worked out before which is… And it’s so… It’s the correct pronunciation. I don’t know how to spell it, but it is… I think it’s Yiddish, but it’s… That’s like a hot sound now, isn’t that weird? Porn has made that like a sex sound. It used to… Porn sounds used to be like… And now they’re… It’s that pervasive in porn. It’s wild. I guarantee you there are at least 14 dudes in here with blood rushing to your dicks right now. Just based on Pavlov’s dick response, of just like… “Is a girl getting choked by a dick somewhere? What’s happening?” And I know you feel bad about it. It feels weird to be turned on by that, but it’s okay, you just watch too much porn, it’s fine. It’s like, it’s not gonna be fine when a woman is actually choking at a restaurant where you’re… dining with your wife. And a woman’s at the next table like… Your wife is like, “You know Heimlich. Give it to her.” And you’re like, “I can’t, I have a boner, and I don’t want to put it in her back as I save her life, so I’d rather she just like die.” So, that’ll be weird, but until then… It’s just all these things. I’m willing to do all of this, by the way. So happy to do it. I like when guys come. It’s like, it makes me feel good when they come. I’m not… I never want to be a comedian who’s up here like, “Fucking men.” You know? I would love to be up here fucking men, that’s a different thing. That’s a… It’s a show I aspire to put on for you someday, but… Building towards that. But I just… I am willing to do all this stuff. It’s like… And I want you to come, and… ‘Cause, girls, we like when guys come. We really do. Like, it means we can get on our phones sooner, so it’s like… “Oh, good. He did that, and back on Instagram.” But I just can’t give away any more comes. I just can’t anymore. I’m 35, and I just… I don’t know, if I… I think I just know my worth more. I have value, and like for me to suck your dick, like it’s… It’s like a thousand bucks. Like, I don’t know, like you can Venmo me, or we’ll… Hooking up now is just… It’s very complicated for me, because I’m just plagued by this obligation to get you off, that I can’t even enjoy what you do to me anymore, ’cause I’m like, “What am I going to do to him.” You know? I get fingered and I’m just like, “What am I going to be willing to take after this?” It’s like when you’re in grade school and you give your friends… You’re like, “Let’s massage each other” And you’re doing back rubs. The whole time, I’m like, “I can’t even like this, ’cause I’ve got to rub this bitch next, like…” That’s what it feels like, hooking up with you. Every single one of you. And so, I think I’ve figured something out. The best hook up scenario I can imagine, and I think you guys will like this, too, is that I get fingered to completion, and then I get out of the Uber. And I feel like that… I’ll tip you. I’ll throw a tip on there the next time I pull up the app. I know how to do it. Please. I would love that to be a part of the Uber app, Uber finger. It just… It’s like you pay more, you pay double, ’cause it’s like, it’s a two-man operation. We can’t have our drivers fingering the passengers. So, there’s a guy in the back seat, it’s not even a guy, it’s maybe a girl. You don’t know, he’s wearing a mask. They don’t… They’re not allowed to talk to you. He’s maybe dressed like a minion. It’s a tie-in with Sony for a promotional stunt. I don’t know… We’re still working out the kinks. It’s in beta, but… Yeah, it’s a two-man op. It has to be a two-man op, you’re going to pay extra until there’s self-driving cars, right, and then… As soon as there are self-fingering cars, I mean, you’ll never hear from me again. Truly… I’ll be gone. I’d be a real road dog after that. It does take a lot for me to want to do anything to a guy now, ’cause I just can’t, you know? And I would. I would love to, just, I need… And I bristle at even saying this word, but I need more foreplay. And I hate saying that, I never wanted to be a female comic who said, “More foreplay. We need more foreplay.” I like… I looked at sitcoms in the 90s. I saw housewives on those shows be like, “Well, if he had more foreplay.” I just heard foreplay and I’m like, “You should never ask for more foreplay, guys hate it.” Because I hear audience members go like, “Boo, foreplay!” And the dudes would be like… And then the girls would be like, “Tee-he, we relate.” And then they’d get beat on the car ride home, so I was like, “Okay, I’m never going to demand foreplay.” I’d never had sex, but I’m like, “This foreplay thing, I’m going to let it slide. I don’t give a shit. Stick it in dry. Pay me $0.80 on the dollar. I should just be happy this guy wants to stick his dick in my ugly head.” I truly believed that. I was like, “I’m never gonna complain about foreplay.” And then I started hooking up and I’m like, “We need more foreplay.” Hand me a fucking blazer with shoulder pads in it, and give me some high-waisted jeans, frizz-out my hair, ’cause we need more foreplay. Like, I just… I’m with those 90s bitches now. You didn’t listen. I don’t understand what to tell you. I have been fingered when I’m dry so many times this year, it is truly an act of terrorism. I am so sick of it. You should not ever finger a dry vagina. Ever! It should never happen. When you get fingered, when you’re dry, as a woman, it’s the same as if we took your limp dick, and we were just like, “Come on.” We would never do that to you. I don’t even look at a limp dick. Like, I wouldn’t touch one. I don’t look at one, ’cause I know you’re not proud of it. So, I’m like, “I won’t look at it until he’s ready for me to see it, and to meet it, okay.” So… I treat it like your wedding dress. I’m just like, “I’ll let him show it to me when he’s ready, for good luck or whatever the hell.” I never look at a limp dick, and I’m dying to play with a limp dick. I would love it. But I don’t even let myself. I don’t get to, because I respect your boundaries. But if I could, oh, I’d do this, and I’d stretch it. You can stretch it and it does… They don’t care, until they wake up and they’re like, “Hey, will you cut it out?” It’s so fun. They’re so fun. Oh my God. But I’m serious, guys, like you got to cut it out with the dry fingering. It’s truly… It’s devastating. It sucks. And I’ve tried different ways to avoid getting fingered while dry. That’s why my pants keep getting higher and higher, as I’m building in more track time for me, when you’re on your way down, to make myself wet. I’m just like, “Get wet. Get wet for the summer. Get wet.” And I never do, you always get down there, and then I hear a squeak, and I’m like, “Fuck, he thinks I’m menopausal.” I’ve gone as far as like, if I know a guy is going to be worthless, I’ll finger myself on the cab ride to dinner with him. Just to get a nice sheen going before we break bread. I don’t trust you anymore. Yeah, sometimes, guys when they spit on you, it’s like almost insulting, because sometimes I work so hard to get myself wet, and I want to like show it off, and sometimes guys will… Like, just do that and I’m like, “Umm…” Don’t salt your food before you try it. Like can you at least like… Respect the chef, like, I… Oh God. I asked my friend the other day, I’m like, “What do you do for foreplay when you hook up with a girl?” And he’s like, “I don’t know, I really like fucking on the couch. I think that’s pretty cool.” Okay. That’s what they think. They think as long as it’s out of the bedroom, that counts. Fully penetrating a woman on a couch. Foreplay. No, foreplay is… It’s simple. It’s kissing. It’s compliments. It’s going to therapy. It’s just… Work on yourself. Whisper in my ear that you’re ready to address your anger with your dad, and I’ll fucking… You’ll get an alert on your phone about a flash flood, I’ll get wet so fast. “Evacuate caves!” Like I… I can get wet. I just… Dry humping. Man, I get turned on just thinking about dry humping. I could ride a knee into the goddamn sunset. Give me a knee. A knee clad in denim and I can just get up on it. Like Don Quixote up in this bitch. I love dry humping. I want to invent a move called The Reverse Santa, where a girl just… You get… They face you sitting down, you get on their knee. You grind it out. You tell them what you want for Christmas. They call you a good girl, and then you take a picture. And that’s… Coming to a mall near you this holiday season. That’s what I want. Just do stuff to us that isn’t our vagina. Like just keep it dry before it’s wet. I think dry humping’s great. We all are wearing jeans now, like this, that have like a seam… Right where the seams meet there’s like a bump. It’s called a clit nobbin. That’s the name that Levi Strauss gave it in his blueprints for the original 501s. But that’s good, you use that and just… That’s a huge bump there. He put it a little low, ’cause every guy thinks your clit is like where your hole is. Just like, “Oh, he thought it was where the hole is.” So, you’ve got to hike it up, but.. And it is hard to locate a clit. I don’t mean to like judge a guy for not knowing. Sometimes I look down there, “I don’t know where the fuck that thing is hiding today.” Keep a little post it on it now, it’s easy to locate but… You got to be sucking clit. Do you guys know about that? Clit stuff’s important, and sucking clit is where it’s at. I didn’t know anything about sucking clit. I would have done the same thing that you guys do when you go down on us. If I went down on a girl I would have done the same style. I would just rub my face in it until I hit something, like, that’s good. I like that. Keep that. I do enjoy it. It’s like when I play video games, I like press all the buttons and I win. I’m just like, just same logic. However, you got to be sucking clit. Let me tell you about this. I didn’t even know about sucking clit until I got sent a toy that did it for me. This woman had heard me talk a lot about how I… For me to have an orgasm, I need like a lot of pressure, peer. And so… She’s like, “You need the Womanizer.” And I was like, “Yeah, I’ve been trying to slide into John Mayer’s DMs for a while now.” And I was like, “He writes, LOL and then he just kind of peters off.” And she’s like, “No, I’m talking about a tool.” And I was like, “Yeah, so am I, but I guess he’s… I like some of his songs and…” So… we had a little back and forth, a little who’s on first. And then she sent me this toy and it blew my mind, because you put it over your clit and it sucks your clit. It has three settings, it’s low, medium, squirt and then it… I swear to you, you can squirt. I didn’t think I could and now I know I can do anything. Like… We can do anything. I never could squirt and I wanted to, ’cause I think it’s such a cool power move. Like, just to just dump a quart of water on a guy’s bed and be like, “Peace.” And just like, “Catch you on the flip, dude.” Like… Nothing cooler than that to me. No, it’s like sucking clit makes sense, dude, it really does. Because clits and penises are pretty much the same thing, like the same nerve endings. So, what you really need to treat it like, is like go down on a girl and suck her clit like you would a tiny version of your penis, okay? I know that feels weird to say and to even do, but I swear to God, if you go down there and you just treat her clit like you would your tiny little penis, and you suck that tiny little penis… you’re gay. You’re so gay! That’s the gayest shit I ever heard. Why would you do that? Dude. No, it’s fucking great. Do it. Please, do it. That’s the best. So, when you… So, next time you go down on a girl, I’m not kidding you, find her clit and you latch onto that thing like a barnacle on an old boat. I swear to you. Just latch on and don’t let go until the captain sprays you off. ‘Cause she’s gonna. Oh, she’s gonna. And then, you swallow. No, don’t do that. You’ll drown. That would be cool. And I’m like, “Take it all.” He’s like… Is that feminism? I think I just stumbled upon feminism. Thank you guys very much. You’re fucking rad. Thank you for… Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for being here. I love you. Thank you for watching at home. Thank you. Good night. Subtitle by Matheus Modesto Perfect.

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Sebastian Maniscalco Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sebastian-maniscalco-tonight-show-starring-jimmy-fallon-transcript/

Sebastian Maniscalco returns to The Tonight Show with jokes about his experiences eating out at restaurants with his wife and in-laws. Aired on September 27th 2019 -Thank you. Thank you. So, it’s been a big week for me. My wife and I celebrated at a restaurant. My wife doesn’t really know how a restaurant works. Like, I worked in restaurants. I know the back of the house, I know the front of the house. I know the nuances. [Laughter] My wife has no idea. For example, she always flags down the busboy. [Laughter] She’s always like, “Excuse me?” He’s like, “Yes?!” Oh. [Laughter] My wife doesn’t know how to talk to foreigners. Okay? Look at how quiet it just got. [Laughter] I said “foreigners.” Everybody’s, “Hey, guy…” [Laughter] I grew up with foreigners. My father is a foreigner. My grandfather is a foreigner. They do not have the complete grasp of the English language. So you can’t talk to them like you would talk to somebody who knows English. All right? It’s always fragmented. My wife, she’s asking the busboy, “Can I have another Tito’s and soda?” I go, “Babe, the only ‘Tito’ he knows is in the back.” [Laughter] He’s gonna go and say, “Tito, they need you!” [Laughter] And he’s gonna come out with a towel over his shoulder and a can of soda. “Hey!” [Laughter] My wife never knows what she wants to eat. She always goes, “You go first.” I said, “All right. I’ll have a New York strip and mixed vegetables. Back to you. How long did you think I was going to take?” [Laughter] And She gets it from her family. Going out with my wife’s family is a nightmare. All right? My wife comes from a Jewish family. Do we have any Jews here tonight? [Cheers] Perfect. You’ll get this. Okay? [Laughter] I love the Jews. The Jews are very sweet people. All right? My wife’s Jewish. My best friend is Jewish. They’re sweet people, all right? I got to build them up because now I’m gonna rip them to shreds, right? [Laughter and applause] When we go out with my wife’s family, Jews, generally, are unhappy… [Laughter] …when they go out to a restaurant. Right? For example, when we go to the table, I never sit down at the table. ‘Cause I know this isn’t the table… [Laughter] …we’re gonna be dining at tonight. [Laughter] There’s a lot of whispering as we approach, particularly coming out of my mother-in-law. [Stammering] “Oh…” There’s always something wrong. There’s a draft. There’s a lot of traffic. [Laughter] The chair’s screwed up. [Laughter] The chair is always screwed up. Constantly. Food’s going back. Food’s gonna go back… for sure. [Laughter] Like, they think every ingredient should be listed on the menu. So when it comes out and they don’t — You know, they’re like, “Huh? What?” The hand goes up. [Laughter] She’s like, “What’s this?” And the waiter’s like, “That’s a little cumin.” She’s like, “Well, I didn’t see that on the menu.” And I’m thinking, “I don’t know. Maybe the chef was in the back, and he’s like, “Eh, let me give it a little cumin.” [Laughter] Maybe — [Laughter] “A little experiment tonight. I don’t know. Just because it’s not on page 2, I can’t use it?” [Laughter] Italians, we don’t send food back. We’ll talk about it. “How is it?” “It sucks, but what’d you expect? We didn’t make it. All right?” [Laughter and applause] We’ll try and fix it at the table. “Give me the pepper and the oil. Let me see what I could do. Some rosemary. There it is.” You guys are great. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] ♪♪ Come on, now! That’s insane. Sebastian Maniscalco! For more info, visit sebastianlive.com.

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Arsenio Hall: Smart and Classy (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/arsenio-hall-smart-and-classy-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, Arsenio Hall. What’s up? -Oh, yeah. Hey. Oh, shit. I’ve been coming to San Jose for a long time. This is such a wonderful night. I first came to San Jose opening for The Spinners. Yeah. Way back when y’all wasn’t as nice to a motherfucker as you are tonight. – You know? Yeah, I opened for The Spinners. I– It was when you would see “The Mighty Spinners” on the marquee, and under it, “Arsenio Hall,” and you thought that’s where the fucking show was gonna be at. You know? I was at a restaurant– I walked in a restaurant recently and there’s a couple sitting in the front booth, lady and a man. And the lady looks at me and smiles, you know? And she has that knowing look and I’m like, “Yeah.” I gave her some Arsenio shit and I did that to her, you know. As I walked away, I heard her say to her husband, “Honey, it was the guy from Blade.” – I was like… You bitch, you… -Poke your fucking eyes out of there. -“Stop it, Wesley! Stop!” Yeah. That’s God’s way of putting the Hollywood ego in check. That’s happened to me before. I was– I was walking at Universal City, and there’s a family of four coming towards me. And they were all happy and looking for a Sharpie in Mommy’s purse ’cause they thought they saw Wesley Snipes. And I knew they didn’t know who the fuck I was. I knew it! You know, the kid– The kids was doing this… -I knew they didn’t know who I was. And my job is making people happy. Making people smile. And I’m thinking I won’t even tell ’em -who the fuck I am, you know? Just let ’em think they had a brush with greatness. Let ’em think they’ve met Wesley. Why not? -Fuck it. As they got closer, I said, “I’m going to act just like Wesley.” -I kicked the boy in the throat. The little boy, I caught the little boy. He was like, eight. I fucked that little boy up. Caught him right on the Adam’s apple. Now he has a memory from when he met Wesley. He talked like Miles Davis the rest of his fucking life. “Wesley Snipes kicked me in the throat. -Motherfucker said, ‘Always bet on black.’ I don’t fucking get it.” Right as I was walking away, -they said, “Can we get autographs?” – Yeah! Yeah, and I’m thinking like that’s forgery. -That’s forgery, you know. I know the law. But they were smiling. They were so happy, so I’m like, “Fuck it.” I know what my job is. I’m gonna make ’em happy. I’m gonna write the shit Wesley would write. -So I wrote, “Fuck the IRS. -Love, Wesley.” Yeah. Yeah. “Uncle Sam, suck my To Wong Foo. Love, Wesley.” -I got creative with the shit. “The Asian vagina is the tightest vagina on the planet. Love, Wesley.” Oh! I was in Alabama. Arrived at the airport in Alabama, got out of a SUV at curbside. This is a crazy one, I’m still in therapy over this one. This is crazy. I step out of the car. There’s a man and his son, and the son’s holding a basketball. And the man steps to me, swear to God, man steps to me and said, “Excuse me, Mr. Rodman?” -And I’m like, “Oh, shit! -Motherfucker, no, you did not. You did not just mix me up with fucking Dennis Rodman. -No, you didn’t. No, you did not.” Yo, I know white people have that “All black people look alike” thing, but stop it, y’all! Stop it. Dear white people, you gotta start looking at details and shit. We do not all look alike. And if we do, it’s us and that n i g g a over there. -Dennis, he’s not with us. It’s us, we all look alike. Yo. That fucked me up. He was sincere. He wasn’t snapping, he was sincere. And I’m like, “Look at details, motherfucker. Look at details. I ain’t got no tattoos, I ain’t got no nose ring. I ain’t got no hepatitis, – I don’t understand. -What have you seen?” Oh, shit. I will kick your son in the throat, mister. I know I’m not Denzel, but Dennis, n i g g a? Dennis? – Oh my God. Fuck. And you know, I think what it is, is when I see Dennis on TV, he’s always like crying or some shit, you know, in the news. And everybody look ugly crying. -And Dennis is always crying in a clip. Remember? He brought Trump and Kim Jong-un together. And I think that n i g g a thought he was gonna get a Nobel Peace Prize ’cause he… “My friend…” He was so emotional, he couldn’t even say Kim Jong-un’s name. That motherfucker said, “Kim Yum-Yum.” I’m like, “Kim Yum-Yum? If that’s your friend, you should learn his name.” -Kim Yum-Yum? Kim Yum-Yum is a stripper I met in Orlando. -Shit. Kim Yum-Yum is… somebody Robert Kraft hooked me up with. -I got a good massage and happy ending and shit. Kim Yum-Yum a bad bitch, but I think he meant Kim Jong-un. Oh my God. – “Kim Yum-Yum…” Kim Jong-un. I can’t stand that little fat motherfucker. Fat-ass. -Bad haircut-having motherfucker. Testing missiles? Test a new barber, bitch. -How about– You know, your fade is fucked up. -You need– You need to ask Trump for a barber from Harlem to straighten out your fade, fat motherfucker. He better stop fucking with us, threatening us. Ain’t nothing he can do with America. He better make friends testing his missiles. And I’ve seen satellite footage of his missiles failing. He don’t even know if that shit will work. You know? I’ve seen that shit just fall over. Motherfucking missile needs Cialis -or something, I– I don’t make missiles, but something wrong with his fucking missiles. I’ve seen them fail. He’s like the Wile E. Coyote -of international leaders and shit. Motherfucker got missiles with “Acme” written on ’em. He be trying to scratch it out with crayon and write, “Un.” Don’t wanna compete with America. -We’re the greatest. Yeah, we’re the greatest. Maybe– maybe they can have a marching contest with us. North Korean army? You ever seen them motherfuckers march? Them’s some marching little n i g g a s. -You ever seen them march? On the news, if you walk past the TV you be like, “Look at them motherfuckers march.” They be– The legs be locked and shit. Them motherfuckers be bouncing. Yeah, right? They be marching they ass off. And then they got little tricky shit they do. I saw him salute, and they like dabbed. I don’t know what dabbing is in North Korea, but them motherfuckers was marching, -they said… I said… “Look at them n i g g a s march.” They like the Alphas or the Q’s or some shit. Them n i g g a s is stepping. We can have a marching contest. We still gonna win ’cause we America. I’ve seen our soldiers march. And… And we got some shit– We got some shit for you. We gonna have our soldiers work out with New Edition before the contest. -Yeah. Right. Now they’ll turn that shit out. It’d be, ♪ If it isn’t love, Why do I feel this… ♪ We turn that shit out. We turn that shit out. -America. Yes. Oh, man. It’s a great time to do stand-up ’cause there’s so much going on. At the same time, it’s a scary time to do stand-up. You think every word could end your fucking career. Even Jerry Seinfeld said that shit is too politically correct. – Yup. -You know? – Yeah! -And by the way, I speak for this whole group. If Jerry Seinfeld offends you, fuck you. -You know? -I mean… -Come on. Jerry offends you? You a little thin-skinned. -You a little thin-skinned. You might wanna fucking join ISIS and get the fuck out of here -if Jerry offends you, you know? You should be at the Damascus Improv this weekend. Get the fuck outta here before we build a wall around your motherfucking ass. Jerry offends you. It’s hard to do stand-up. Now you be nervous, you know? Roseanne had the racist tweet. Bam! Everything. They fired her, she’s over, and… And you know what? I wasn’t as mad about the tweet as I was that she blamed the racism on Ambien. I love Ambien. Yeah, thank you. I thought it was a melatonin crowd -for a moment, but uh… Oh, man. There’s a certain time in life where there’s nothing like a good fucking nap. -You know? Fucking Ambien nap. And I was mad, ’cause I was like– Not at her, but I was like, “Ooh, I hope that’s not true,” and it turned out it wasn’t, ’cause I don’t want Ambien to make you a racist. -You know? ‘Cause I wouldn’t stop taking it. I love my Ambien naps. I would just be a motherfucker at the mall talking about, “White devils!” I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m– I’m sorry. -I had an Ambien nap and I… think I had some kind of racist Tourette, I think. My bad. That would be fucked up if you didn’t know what that was, you know? Have an Ambien nap and be walking around saying like, “White women smell like baloney.” I have racist Tourette, I think. I don’t know, I took an Ambien nap. I need a physical. You know what’s funny about what I just said? I’m looking at some of y’all are laughing, but I see one lady who’s like, “What’s that shit about baloney, motherfucker?” -She’s like, “No, you tried to slide -that baloney shit. What– What’d n i g g a say about baloney and white women? What the fuck?” Oh my God. Oh my God… Take a half an Ambien, by the way. A half. Yeah. No, not a whole one. Yeah, you’ll pee on yourself. -I took a whole one and– Yeah, I took a whole one one time and I thought I was dreaming about waterfalls in Hawaii and some shit. -I just was pissing… on myself, you know? I woke up and my room was smelling like R. Kelly’s recording studio and shit. -I was like, “What the fuck?” Yeah. It was embarrassing, you know? I was standing with some sheets. ♪ I believe I can lie ♪ I think people who don’t curse… are living dishonest. You gotta let that shit out. Be honest. You ever been walking through your house, late at night, in the dark, with no shoes on? And hit your baby toe on a piece of furniture? -Ooh… Yeah, see? I see the look. Y’all know what I’m talking about. That shit hurt. Yeah. You have– You can’t say “fudge nugget.” -You got to say “shit.” I believe the pope would say “shit” if he hit his toe. And I love this pope. This pope would probably say “shit” and “motherfucker,” the pope we got right now. “Shit! Motherfucker! I gotta get my Birkenstocks. -I’ll be damned.” God puts extra feeling in that baby toe. And no self-esteem. You ever notice that? I see pretty ladies, no matter how fine you are, your baby toe is like this. -It’s depressed and shit. No fucking self-esteem. The baby toe be leaning on the other toes. “How y’all doin’? Y’all all right?” -Little ugly motherfucker, right? You can feel it in your shoe sometimes, you know? The other toes, “Get your black ass off me, motherfucker! Get off me! Rotten-ass baby toe looking motherfucker. Get off me! Just stand up straight.” No matter who you are. Your baby toe may be prettier than mine, but it’s uglier than your other four, right? Sometimes the lady don’t know what to do when you go weekly, she’s just standing there with an emery board -and like a tear in her eye. Right? She look like the Indian from the pollution commercial back in the day. “I don’t know what to do with this ugly motherfucker.” ‘Cause it won’t die, it won’t grow, it look the same every week. You don’t know what color polish to put on it. ‘Cause you put red on the other four toes, and that one look dark crimson and shit. -You don’t know– Do I need a white base? Do I put some pink in it? How do I make that little black motherfucker lighter? And I see pretty ladies laughing. You know what I’m talking about. One of the prettiest women in the world is from my hometown, Halle Berry. Agreed? Yes. Halle Berry. I don’t care what race you talkin’, what age you talkin’, one of the most beautiful women in the world. But I saw her– Yes. I saw her with flip flops on. This is true. Don’t let this leave the room. Saw her with flip flops on, and I ain’t going to go too far into this, but she’s a perfect ten from head… to ankle. But that’s just between us. That’s just normal. Everybody. Your baby toe is… is crazy-looking. My woman has beautiful feet. But that baby toe… Her foot, except for the baby toes, is perfect. But the baby toe, it look like she had a transplant that went wrong or something. Like an episode of Stranger Things, when you look at her baby toes… Look like somebody put Dikembe Mutombo’s toe on her foot. One time I was getting ready to suck her toes and the baby toe said, “No, no, no!” And then I was like, “Oh, shit.” I wish I had that on video. I was at a comedy club and the manager of the comedy club told this young lady when she came off stage that she was banned from the club because he told her not to use the “m-word” again, and she did. “Midget.” She said “midget” and got banned. We’re so politically correct. But here’s what bothered me. He told her, “That’s just like using the ‘n-word,” and I said, “Err!” No, it’s not, motherfucker. I had to get into shit. I was getting into somebody else’s business, but no, the m-word and the n-word, there’s nothing like the n-word. I’m sure midgets have been through a lot of shit. Don’t get me wrong. -I get it. But not like n i g g a s. There’s nothing like the n-word. If you don’t want me to say midget, just tell me don’t say midget, but don’t tell me it’s like the fucking n-word. It is not. You don’t see no movies where midgets are taken from their people into another country -and forced to pick cotton. You’ve never seen a midget– -♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪ You’ve never seen a midget with Kenny Norton in Mandingo 2. -Hervé Villechaize and Kenny Norton. ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪ Never seen that shit. So don’t, don’t do that. Don’t do that with the n-word, you know? Nobody ever told a midget, “I’m changing your name.” Nobody ever did that to a midget. “What’s your name?” – “Pecari Maximus.” It’s like, “From now on, you’ll answer to ‘Itty Bitty,’ motherfucker. -Say it! Say, ‘Itty Bitty.'” It’s like, -“My name is Itty Bitty. It’s Itty Bitty.” “Hey, Fiddler. My name is Itty Bitty now. But it’s really Maximus.” Yeah. Nobody ever gets angry at the sight… of a midget. Right? You’ve never seen a Western bar… You frontin’. You’ve never seen a Western bar where a midget walk in, you know, and a bunch of rednecks be, “Look at that fucking midget. Messing with our women.” And a very sharply dressed midget is like, “Where the white hoes at? Hey bitch, come here. Let me talk to you. San Jose snow, yeah.” You wouldn’t believe that I’m the son of a Baptist preacher. Gosh. When I first started stand-up, my comedy hero used to always approach me and say, “Look, a smart, classy comic doesn’t have to curse and be dirty.” And I used to say, “Okay, Mr. Cosby.” I was like… I love to say “Mr. Cosby” in an audience of people. Yeah, that just tears the room in half. I heard some asses getting tight, you know. Right? Over in this area I heard… ‘Cause everybody feels different about that, you know? Yeah, some of you are like, “I’m so glad he said that.” And then other people are like, “You know them 60 bitches lied, right? They all lied.” There are two sides of the issue, clearly. I remember seeing a picture of all the ladies on cable news and I’m like, “Wow, that’s a lot of women.” You know? And I saw people I knew. That affects you. I saw actresses I knew and models I knew. I saw everybody but Oprah and Madea, it felt like. -It was very– It was like… Madea would have whooped his ass, though. That would have been a nice… -a nice UFC fight, Madea and Bill Cosby. – Over a cup of coffee and shit. Yeah, but that’s one of my comedy heroes. You know what I’ve had to do? I’ve had to separate the artist from the man, you know. I mean, the artist has done so much for the black image on television and he made me laugh as a kid and he’s given so much money to black colleges. I’ve had to separate Dr. Huxtable -from Dr. Fuxtable is what I’m saying. -That’s what I’ve had to do. Everybody has to handle it in their own way. -You know? I saw– I saw Lady Beverly Johnson, who I know, a model, and she told her story. It was interesting. She said that Bill Cosby put some shit in her drink, but it didn’t put her to sleep. She was able to cuss him out and call a cab. And I was like, “That goes to prove, once again, you really can’t drug an old school New York model.” You really can’t. She was like, “Motherfucker, I take this for fun, Bill. This shit right here? I went to summer school at Studio 54, motherfucker. You can’t put me to sleep. How ’bout if I fuck you, Bill? Come here. Come here, Bill.” She wasn’t going to sleep. I saw the court trial where the lady got the guilty verdict. Her name was Andrea Constand. And I don’t– Did y’all see her? Y’all see her in the news? ‘Cause initially when she walked in, I saw her walk in, I was like, “Oh, shit. Why is Colin Kaepernick here?” -I didn’t know who that was, you know? And then I realized that was her. I also realized she don’t want no dick. He’s guilty. She don’t want– You can look at her, she don’t want no dick. She has never wanted no dick, Bill. She looked so much like Colin Kaepernick I figured she, before she fell asleep, just took a knee and said like, “Motherfucker.” Mm. Yeah, see, when you’re black, you have less heroes. So this stuff is important to you. You know? That’s why a lot of people can’t let it go. They’re still, “I don’t know about that Cosby thing. There’s not enough women yet.” Tiger Woods. You know, my favorite golfer. At one time, the greatest golfer in the world was a black man. Don’t tell him, though. Don’t say it to him, he gets mad. -But he is, he’s black. He’s black. Fuck them words he be making up. He’s black. Tiger Woods, man. He’s… I think he’s finished. You keep wanting– Like he did really well a couple weeks ago and you’re like, “Oh, Shaq gave him some Icy Hot.” -And he’d be like, you know… But it’s just a… a good day. Just one good day. And the other days he golf like Charles Barkley. The other days just like… – “That was terrible.” – Terrible! – Terrible! And then the fall from that infidelity chapter. Um… I thought he would become a better golfer after all that stuff because I’ll tell you, like me, whatever I’m doing in life, if my relationship is right, I’m focused and I’m better at anything that I’m doing. But apparently Tiger was better on the 18 holes when he had 18 hoes. Yeah. That motherfucker was good when he was… staying out late with waitresses. Yeah. And then the DUI thing happened with Tiger Woods. I woke up– This is how it happened for me. I woke up, I turn on the TV, and I’m like, “Oh… Tiger Woods is in the freeway with the police and he ain’t got on no fucking shoes.” And he got no shorts and I’m like… And I heard him babbling about pills. I call my girl, I said, “Baby. I think Bill Cosby raped Tiger Woods.” I’m sorry. I was making up fake news. I was like… “That’s not what happened at all.” You know? I was tweeting the shit already, you know? I had to erase all my tweets. My publicist, “Are you out of your fucking mind?” “Tiger Woods got Jell-O puddin’ on his back.” You know? -And I’m like tweeting this shit out. It’s like, “Motherfucker, that’s the reflection of the police light.” That’s not Jell-O pudding. That was… Delete, delete. I was making up fake news. I was recently in Washington. There was a protest. Interesting protest against… I guess you would call it white privilege. I don’t understand why the owner of the Redskins won’t tell Native Americans, “Fine. I’ll change the name.” I mean, there’s so many animals we don’t use. The lemming. -They could be the Washington Lemmings. You know, everyone follows the fucking lemmings. You know? -We don’t– You know what I’m saying? It’s ’cause– they were protesting because they don’t like that Redskin icon that you have on the helmet, a smiling ass Indian. You know, this is a people. This is not an icon. -This is our native people. You know what I’m saying? -It’s like– Here’s the thing. Sometimes you’ve got to put yourself in a situation, and that’s how I thought about it. Like if there was a team– If I came up here and y’all had a new team called the San Jose Light Skin Negroes -or some shit like that… You know? And y’all had fucking helmets with Drake on the side, I’d be like, “I’m staying till Monday to march on you motherfuckers. I’m marching.” Y’all can’t put Drake on a fucking helmet. -I’m staying to march on this bitch. Yeah, I worked… in D.C. and then to, uh… I went to see the monuments. There were monuments I’d never seen before, like the MLK monument. And it’s funny, all the monuments have these incredible things you can read. There’s quotes. And we’ll probably live long enough– One day, there’s gonna be, like, a Donald Trump monument in Washington. -‘Cause he’s our president. Yes. I know y’all may not like it, but it’s gonna be a little orange monument -with tiny ass hands and shit or something. I don’t know, they can get creative with it. And they’re gonna have to put something– They’re gonna have to put “Grab them by the pussy” in granite. Right? I mean, that’s his greatest quote so far. “Grab them by the pussy.” The monument you have to rush your kids by. It’s like, “Come on, let’s look at the Reagan one. Don’t read that. -Bring the kids. Bring the kids.” It’s interesting that no rapper ever wrote a song after that incident called “Grab Them By The Pussy.” Usually hip-hop imitates life, but even the rappers were like, “No, we don’t talk about women like that, motherfucker. -That’s rude. Uh-uh. You don’t grab nobody by their pussy.” We are a generation of parents that have to teach our kids, “Don’t you talk like the president. I done told you, I don’t mind you talkin’ like Future, -but don’t you talk like the president.” Oh, man. -Kanye should have done a song. ‘Cause Kanye like him and shit, you know? They could do the video in the Oval Office where we last saw them hanging out. A Kanye track called “Grab Them By The Pussy” might work, too. ♪ Grab them by the pussy, The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ That got a– You could floss to that. ♪ Grab them by the pussy, The pussy, the pussy ♪ Kanye could turn that shit out. Be number one on the Breitbart chart. Throw some bars in there. Get Trump to sit at his desk. You know. ♪ He’s taking over the political game ♪ ♪ Don’t challenge him, ‘Cause that would be insane ♪ ♪ He’s the Twitter-in-Chief He piss you off and make you laugh ♪ ♪ Bill Clinton asking for his autograph ‘Cause he grabs them by the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by the pussy ♪ Yeah, that shit work, right? For Kanye. When I first met Donald Trump, I thought we’d get along. ‘Cause rappers used to talk about him and he was liked a lot more then. I thought, you know, we had stuff in common. We both like baseball, we both like politics. We both really like his daughter. -And– I thought it might work out, but, no, it didn’t. It didn’t. Yeah, I was on Celebrity Apprentice one season. -And– Yes. -Yeah. Yeah, see? The applause used to be larger for that. Yeah. I won Celebrity Apprentice. -Yes. -Yes. The first black celebrity to win. I’m the Jackie Robinson of Celebrity Apprentice. But we don’t get along. And now people don’t give a fuck that I won. ‘Cause he chose me. You know what it’s like? It’s like being a little puppy who won the Westminster Dog Show and then somebody tell you that we don’t give a fuck ’cause we found out Michael Vick was the judge, you know? – It’s like, “Aw, man.” Me and Donald Trump are so different. I saw him eat a chicken wing with a knife and fork once. Yes. Yeah, and when you poor, the whole game, you grow up getting all the meat off the bone. Right? You can’t– If Donald Trump was at my house, my mother would slap the shit out of him if he picked up a knife and fork. “Fuck you doing with that knife and fork? You can’t clean that wing with a knife and fork.” I was a wing ninja when I was little -’cause you can’t get another wing until you clean the meat off that bone. “Can I have another wing?” “No, there’s more meat on that.” I would decimate a wing, you know? You could take a wing off my plate and run it over to CSI. They wouldn’t know what animal it was. They’d be– “I think it’s a frog, but this motherfucker, he sucked the DNA out of this bone right here. -We don’t know what animal this is.” My family, we bite the tip off a wing. That pointed tip? And chew that motherfucker. Swallow that. If you cook it well done and you eat that? Can’t do that with a knife and fork. Plus, that look crazy. You look crazy eating a wing with a knife and fork. That’s like you coming to bed to eat her pussy with a lobster bib on or some shit like that. -It’s like what kind of shit– The optics on that are very strange, sir. Bernie Sanders is back. – Yes! She said, “Yes!” She had a Bernie-gasm. -She said, “Yes!” I like Bernie. I would like Bernie if he was my neighbor or some shit, you know? But I don’t know, the presidential thing, I think he missed his window. You know? Bernie should have run against Lincoln. -Or somebody. Yeah, Bernie older than a motherfucker, Bernie. -You can look on the internet and find pictures of Bernie throwing tea over the boat and shit back in the day. That motherfucker old. You can’t be president if you go to bed at five. Mm. I hate politics. I hate politicians. -You know? Yeah. I– I’ve been around a long time and it’s all the same bullshit. I’m a republi-crat. Yeah, that means I’m suspicious about all them motherfuckers. Hillary ran against Donald Trump. I don’t trust neither one of ’em. That’s like asking me who my favorite Menendez brother is -or some shit, you know? Fucking Hillary and Donald Trump. I don’t know. Erik, Lyle, either one of ’em. Eenie meenie miney mo. You know what’s interesting? I look at the audience and I see people of all colors and everybody’s laughing at the same shit. Maya Angelou used to say we’re more alike than we’re unalike. -We’re all in here doing– Yeah. -Having fun. Gotta laugh to keep from crying. The only real difference in black people and white people is black people like lotion more than white people. -That’s all, really. I read that in a Johns Hopkins’ report. -It’s a brilliant piece. Dry skin is important to us. My mother was like the Dry Skin Avenger and shit. -Dry skin– Like if you’re white there are words you don’t even have to know. You can tell a lot about a culture by the words they have. We have a lot of words for dry skin. You could be white all your life and never have to know what “ashy” means. -You don’t have to know. At no time did your mother ever scream at you and say, “Look at your ashy ass. -You can’t go to church with them ashy-ass elbows. Look at your elbows. Get me some lotion.” You never dealt with that. “Rusty.” You never heard your mother use, “Look at your rusty-ass -motherfucking knees.” You know? If I said to you, “Look at your rusty-ass elbows,” you’d probably say, “Will it affect my FICO score?” He wouldn’t give a fuck ’cause dry skin is a black thing. -It’s a black thing. Yeah, my mother used to get upset about ashy skin. I’ve– I’ve seen my mother sitting in church and there was a man on her left. He wasn’t a relative. I saw my mother– We knew him, but I saw my mother while he was singing, she licked her finger and rubbed it on his knuckles. -Motherfucker’s knuckles was ashy. And my mother was like the Ashy Avenger. She– “I can’t. I can’t have an ashy motherfucker around me.” God’s lotion, that’s God’s lotion right there. I had a conversation with my son. Me and my son were talking about his major. He chose his major and I’m like, “Hey, you got to choose for yourself. I don’t know what to tell you to do. I just hope that you can educate yourself and give back to your community -in some way.” You know? And that’s– I didn’t know what else to tell him. Like I told him, I said, “We need scientists that deal with black problems,” like somebody to work on the lotion pump. -I told him. That’s the talk you’ve gotta have with young black men now, about the lotion pump. I told him, “We need a scientist– You ever notice how the lotion pump coagulates too quickly? Somebody needs to work on it.” I use lotion three times on the hour and sometimes you put lotion in your hand and right in the middle of the good lotion -is that hard-ass lotion booger? That lotion maggot, that little hard motherfucker? You trying to get it out of the good lotion and shit. Sometimes you don’t feel it ’cause you’re rushing and you end up at church with a lotion booger on your neck and shit. People just laugh at you. They don’t even tell you. ♪ Jesus keep me near the cross ♪ Everybody laughing. “If she knew Jesus he’d tell her she got a lotion booger her neck.” Who would have imagined– Like if you went to a psychic two years ago, and they told you, “Um… Bill Cosby will be in jail and OJ will be out.” You would have said, “Give me my fucking money back. -You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. That’s impossible.” But here we are. I read an article where OJ said he wants to be a preacher. Yeah, that shit made me laugh, too. ‘Cause if OJ preached, he’d have to preach the Nine Commandments, okay? That motherfucker don’t know all ten. Come on. He don’t know all ten. Anybody got a friend that always got negative shit to say? To the point where you almost try to avoid them? -Anybody? Yes. Ooh, let’s talk about them motherfuckers. Just people that– You could say, “Hi,” first and, “Beautiful day out.” But they start conversations with, “You know who got chlamydia?” -“Stop, man. Stop. The fuck you bring that to me for?” You know? But he said to me, out of the blue, “Yo, man. I didn’t know OJ didn’t like you, bruh.” And I’m like, “What?” This is the Butcher of Brentwood -you’re talking about, okay? Don’t tell me this motherfucker don’t like me. Somebody who’s been accused of cutting off heads and shit. Don’t tell me this motherfucker don’t like me. Now that’s in me. I can’t stop thinking about that now. I went to Vegas. -And apparently OJ lives in Nevada now. Okay, I walk in a restaurant with my girl after my show, we go to have a steak. And I seat her and then I go to the bathroom ’cause I’m over 50. -And… yeah. Some of you know what I mean. You have to pee all the fucking time when you’re over 50. There are times when I pee and then I’m washing my hands and I say, “Hey, I have to pee again.” Where did that pee come from? I don’t need a prostate check. I should speak to Penn and Teller about this. “This pee just reappeared.” So anyway, I seat her and I’m headed to the bathroom. By the way, don’t you hate when bathrooms make us play gender Jeopardy? Can’t you just put “men” and “women” on the door? -We don’t need to guess what the fuck this is and what the garment is– I’ve gone to bathrooms and it’s like an Amish bonnet and a wave cap. -I don’t wanna guess. I have to pee. I don’t want to guess which is the brother’s bathroom. You ever go to a game or something and be in the bathroom next to your son? I’ve been at a Dodger game where my son is in the stall next to me and right before I start peeing, it’s like, “Hey, I think Seabiscuit just came into his stall.” It’s like… -I mean, he’s peeing and tearing the fucking urinal up, you know? I see white dust flyin’ and shit. Right? I still haven’t peed, you know? -There’s porcelain going over my stall. I see the words “American Standard” fly that way and I’m like, “Wow, that’s how my dick used to be. That’s how my dick was at one time.” And then he finishes, you know. And I say… -But I’ll be back. I digress. So I’m going to the bathroom, and I think when you fear something, it finds you in life. Uh… Just as I go to push open the door, the door opens and it’s OJ. -And I’m standing like this, and all the shit you said you were gonna say if you saw him. “No, I’ll just ask that motherfucker, ‘What up, killer? What up?'” -I didn’t say none of that shit. I’m gonna tell y’all exactly what I did. My hand was like this and I said, “Ooh, Juice.” That’s exactly what I did. -I don’t know what the fuck got into me. I’ve never said, “Ooh, juice,” in my life. I’ve been at Jamba and not said, “Ooh, juice.” He scared the shit out of me. I went from Arsenio Hall to Rue Hall. I hugged him and peed two more times. I was just in Florida. They don’t want OJ to live in Florida. He’s living in Nevada, but they won’t let him come where he wants to go. I guess he did a lot of crazy shit. He had to do crazy shit when he was there ’cause there’s cocaine kingpins in Florida -but they’re saying, “But not OJ. -Fuck that n i g g a, not OJ.” They won’t let OJ come down there. I read stuff I didn’t even know about. I guess when he was there he had a road rage incident, you know, where OJ was on the freeway and somebody gave him the finger. And he followed ’em. Because OJ love a chase. Yeah, that motherfucker, he don’t care if he in the front or the back. He love a freeway chase. And he followed ’em. That’s the ultimate sign of bad luck. What’s the over-under, that with all the people riding around Florida, you can give somebody the finger and when you get to a stop sign, you look in the rear view mirror and realize it’s OJ fuckin’ Simpson behind you? -That’s horrible luck. Now OJ is coming towards your car, putting on a glove and shit. Motherfucker dropping socks and suddenly your mirror says, “This n i g g a ‘s head may be larger than it appears,” and shit. The Juice. He ain’t OJ like he used to be. It ain’t like the commercials in the airport, that motherfucker’s PJ now. He’s prune juice. That motherfucker’s knees– If the light change, he might not get to your fucking car. It’s a new day. A new day. You ladies… first generation of ladies to grow up… in a Viagra society. That shit sound funny now, but wait till you’re 90 and don’t want to fuck. You’re the first generation of women that have to fuck forever. You have to fuck till you die. You don’t never get to stop fucking. Your grandma used to be able to get old and water her plants and shit and there’s no more fucking now. You guys at 90 are gonna be crazy with that pill, you know? -Motherfuckers 90 years old, “I knocked the dust off that pussy last night.” -You know? It’s like, “Oh, Grandpa.” Remember you could stop by Grandma’s house anytime? You never had to call Grandma. You could just open the door. You could send your kids, “Go on, I’m gonna park the car. Y’all go on in.” You can’t send your kids -in Grandma’s house now. Your kids will be traumatized forever and shit. Kids come back out to the car… “What’s wrong?” -“Grandma was butt naked in a swing. And I don’t know what it means. I don’t know. It just hurt me.” Everything’s changing. This has changed a lot. This is my favorite thing in the world. My woman hates this. My phone. She’s like, “You’re always on that damn phone.” It’s everything for me. I pay my bills here, it’s my flashlight, -it’s my photo album, it’s my camera… Right? It’s actually everything but a phone for me. How many get mad when somebody call you on the fucking phone? -It’s a new day. Right? You’re like, “Who– Text me, motherfucker. What old motherfucker is calling me and leaving a voicemail? Look at him leaving a– Oh, that’s grandma. She said, ‘Don’t come back.’ She sent the Ben Wa balls emoji. Grandma crazy.” This is important. I got a new case. I get a new case every couple months. My girl says I take my phone clothes shopping. I do. I take her, too. You know, I go to the Apple Store and get a new case and I let her go next door to Forever 41. You can tell how important something is by how you react when you lose it. -You ever misplaced your phone? I misplaced my phone earlier today and got heart palpitations. You’re not supposed to get heart palpitations over misplacing your phone. I left my son in the mall when he was little -and didn’t get heart palpitations. That’s too important. It makes you crazy. I’ve actually been looking for mine and realized I was on the motherfucker. I’ve actually said, “Wait. Hold on for a minute.” I did that today. That San Jose weed -is a motherfucker there. -Oh, it’s crazy up here. It’s crazy. “Where’s my phone?” It’s amazing, all over the world, how celebrities get away with shit. I was reading the article about Oscar Pistorius, the blade runner. He got six years for killing an innocent woman, and now they’re gonna give him 13, but that’s still not enough. You all know who I’m talking about, Oscar Pistorius, the blade runner, killed his girlfriend? I can’t stand that spatula-foot motherfucker. -I can’t stand him. This motherfucker– I can’t stand this motherfucker right here. He wants his legs in jail, ’cause they won’t let him have his legs. They can be used as a weapon or something. And he wants his legs. Plus, I don’t want him comfortable. I don’t care what you want. You killed an innocent girl. You should be uncomfortable. I want you in the shower every morning with big South African dicks in your face. -That’s– That’s how you gonna do your 13 years. You know? I wanna see a motherfucker like this… “Come on, Mobotu. Stop, now. Stop. You’re uncircumcised. Your dick stinks, stop. I’m trying to shower.” He said he woke up in the middle of the night ’cause he heard noise in the bathroom, but he didn’t check to see where his woman was. He didn’t even look. Come on, guys. You look. You wake up and the first thing you do is you see where your woman is. And if your woman’s not in bed, and you’re a real man, your first thought is, “Oh, shit. Where’s my cell phone?” That’s your first thought. Yeah. I don’t even go to the bathroom. I go to the top of the steps, “Baby, you got my phone? You downstairs? You got my phone? Stop fucking around and get my phone.” My woman’s always in my shit. I had to have some Pajamas made. I had pajamas made with a pocket so I can get some sleep. You know? I had pajamas with a passcode made and shit. But she’s the Copernicus of getting in a phone. She getting in a motherfucker’s phone no matter what phone you got. I remember when I used to have passcode digits. I woke up one night and I heard– This is what I heard: -I was like, “What the fuck is that?” I look on the side of the bed, she’s got my phone doing this: That’s some slick shit. Yeah. Oh, y’all know that up here. You ladies, y’all ain’t shit. Yeah, y’all know that you breathe on the phone and fog it up and you can see the most frequently tapped password numbers. Yeah, you’re like, “Uh-huh, that’s his father’s birthday right there. That’s what that is.” Oh, she’s a trip. Hey, I woke up one night and she had my phone, she was over me, and had my thumb, too, and she was doing this -on the new phone. I’m like, “Hey, give me my shit! You’re not gonna bust me with my own fucking thumb. N i g g a can’t even get an Ambien nap in this motherfucker. I smell pee.” Now I got the facial recognition. It’s gonna take her at least a week. ‘Cause eventually, she’ll figure this shit out. Eventually, she’ll have hair around her mouth looking at my phone talking about, – “If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.” Hey, we’re getting ready to do a sequel, y’all. Coming to America 2. Yes. I’m excited. We old as hell, though, -30 years later. We so old, we won’t have to use makeup for the barbers this time around. The sequel was based on a true story. Um, Akeem and Semmi come to America and beat the shit out of Jussie Smollett for that– -Yeah. -Everybody’s mad. Every… Nigeria, Wakanda, Zamunda. Everybody’s upset at what he did. It’s not just Chicago. “Semmi, get me the bleach.” I mentioned my girl earlier. My woman is younger than me ’cause I’m in show business and… I love listening to her music. And sometimes I realize my oldies are gonna be better than hers. You know? I love the period I grew up in. I grew up listening to The Beatles -and Earth, Wind & Fire, you know? Oh, man, my favorite writer is Stevie Wonder. -Yes. Yeah, if you’re in love with somebody, when you get home, Google “As,” A-S, and play it for the one you love. “As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving. Yeah! And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May. Just as hate knows love’s the cure, you can bet your mind assure -that I’ll be loving you always.” -Yes. Fucking Steve. He put his foot in that motherfucker. -My woman ain’t got no oldies like that. You know, when she’s 90, she gonna be talkin’ about, -♪ Shake that ass, watch yourself ♪ I love Mystikal, but that’s not a good song for the elderly. You don’t want Grandma at Thanksgiving walking with mac and cheese, talkin’ about, -♪ I come in with a dick in my hand ♪ “Yo, Grandma. Put the mac and cheese down, Grandma.” I love listening to my son’s music. Keeps me young. And he turns me onto stuff, I turn him onto stuff. He told me one day, he said, “Dad, remember you played Otis Redding for me?” And he said, “Jay-Z has a track where he samples Otis Redding.” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah.” And… when he came home, I wanted him to hear– I forgot what I played for him, but I wanted him to hear “Dock of the Bay” ’cause he had never heard that song. And… this is his stereo. So I said when you get home, also, I want you to see my stereo from college, -which I still have in the garage, you know? I took him out in the garage and I said, “That’s Daddy’s stereo.” He said, “Where?” I said, “All this shit right here. -All this. Here, help me with this speaker. Help me take the speaker.” And we put it together. He said, “Dad, what’d you do when you wanted to take the music to another room?” And I said, “Shut the fuck up -and just help me put this together. Making me feel bad about my childhood. You turn the shit up. You want me to plug it in and pair up the speakers? You lazy motherfucker. We didn’t have no pairing. No, you eat a pear back then. You don’t pair your speakers. Put all this shit together. I take the red and black wire -and I bite the rubber off and expose the copper, -get it in the hole back here. Help Daddy find this hole. I can’t get the copper in the hole.” We put it together and I had Otis Redding’s Greatest Hits and I’m like, “I know Jay-Z sampled it, but I want you to hear the totality of this man’s gift.” You know? And the track… skipped. “Dock of the Bay,” yeah. I put it on, it said, -“Sittin’ in… Sittin’ in… Sittin’…” See, I see some young faces. Y’all don’t even know what skipping is. Buffering, for you. Buffering. Buffering, for you. But you know what I did? I remembered something my mother taught me. Put a quarter on the arm -and it weighs the arm down and you can play a record that has a scratch in it. I put it on and it worked. And we got to listen to “Dock of the Bay.” And I heard the words different than I’ve ever heard them before. You know? I think when you’re a father you listen differently. ♪ Sittin’ in the morning sun ♪ ♪ I’ll be sittin’ when the evening comes ♪ And it dawned on me. This is about a lazy motherfucker, this song right here. That’s all you do, is watch the ships roll in and then watch ’em and roll away again? You ain’t got no wife, no kids, you can’t play Candy Crush. There’s no phone yet. I’m surprised you could write a good song. -You don’t do shit. Maybe that’s why so much of that song is– Mm. Thank you once again for coming out. I appreciate you all being here. -Yeah. Yes. If you can, follow me on all the social media platforms. You know, Facebook and Instagram– I like Facebook and Instagram. Twitter is mean. You ever notice how mean Twitter is? Twitter, I don’t know– People follow me, but they hate me, it seems. You know? -It’s people who I don’t even know. That’s the craziest thing. We’re talking to people we don’t know. It’s like leaving your car door open at a red light and having somebody just get in -and say, “Hey, n i g g e r,” and then leave. “Who was that racist that got in my car?” We’re entertaining crazy motherfuckers. But Instagram, I never– Maybe it’s just my followers, or it’s just me, but on Instagram, pictures, you send a picture, you know? One time I was on a private plane, I sent a picture of my breakfast on this plane and I put hashtag “eggs” and you know, people we’re like, “Oh, that’s cool. That’s cool.” And on Instagram you get “likes.” If you put that picture on Twitter, people would be like, “Fuck your eggs, n i g g a.” -You know, it’s like– So why are they so mean? What did I do? “Stick your eggs up your ass, motherfucker.” Yeah, I’ll take Instagram. Plus, I love the name. I’m an OG. I remember when Instagram was a cocaine delivery service and shit. -Yeah. Back in the day. My friend used to run that motherfucker, you know? -He’d arrive at your door, – “Yo, I got your gram. -It’s Instagram. I got your gram. You get a free coke spoon. Here.” I have a picture of Mike Tyson on my Twitter page. This is how mean Twitter is. This is a Sunday morning. I decided to look and see if anybody said anything about my show on Saturday night. I usually don’t read the shit. The first thing I see, the guy says, “Didn’t you and Mike Tyson used to fuck?” “What’d I do? You’re following me… Happy Sunday to you, motherfucker. Happy Sunday to you.” I didn’t know how to take it, it was just so much. All at once.You know? First of all, I wasn’t mad that he was calling me gay. I was mad that he was calling me stupid, you know? -‘Cause you don’t have to know a lot about Mike Tyson. You don’t have to know his win-loss record or who Cus D’Amato was, but all of you know that he bit some shit off once. I bet all of y’all know that, right? So if you’re gay, you’re still not going to fuck with Mike Tyson. That’s suicide. That’s an insane move. Nobody fucking with Mike Tyson. Elton John wouldn’t fuck Mike Tyson. Fucking Elton John would be like, “Not my Rocket Man.” You know? Thank you, San Jose. Thank you very much. I appreciate you. ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ And when you’re a star they let you do it. ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Seth Meyers: Lobby Baby (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/seth-meyers-lobby-baby-transcript/

How are we doing, everybody? Thank you all… so much for being here. You guys, it is so great to be back in the Twin Cities. And when I say that… When I say that, I mean it is great to be back in Minneapolis because I have never been to St. Paul. Hear it’s lovely. Hear it’s lovely. Wanna go. But I do think it’s very important… I know with twins, you have to pay attention to both of them equally, or else one of ’em gets a complex. I will say, in real life, I think of you have twins, it would be the wrong move to give ’em such different names. “And this is Minneapolis, which is the Dakota word for ‘water’ and the Greek word for ‘city.’ And this is Paul.” I also want to start by saying I know it might be a little weird to see me in this environment. Most of you are probably used to seeing me wearing a suit, sitting behind a desk. Very odd. See me doing stand-up in casual clothes. It can be very jarring to see someone… out of context, like when a kid sees a mall Santa getting into his Ford Festiva. I mean, it might be weird to even be seeing my legs right now. It’s like that time Kermit rode a bike. It was fun, but you were like, “Are those weight-bearing legs?” So, hopefully, you’ll learn a few things about me tonight you don’t know. Uh, one thing people think they know about me that is wrong is, uh, I am not Jewish. Um, all Jewish people assume I am Jewish… because of my name and my face and everything about me. My father’s father was Jewish. My mother could not be less Jewish. For example, the other day, she said, “As long as my kids are happy, I’m happy.” So… My wife is Jewish. And her parents were so excited when they first met me. They were so happy that their daughter had met a nice Jewish boy, and then I had to break the news to them that Seth Meyers was not, in fact, Jewish. And that is very unfair to them, because to be named Seth Meyers and not be Jewish is false advertising. But I will say, over the course of the five years I dated my wife before we got married, I think, to my in-laws, I became, to them, Jewish enough. And I believe that’s the only religion that that happens in. Which is why it’s so great that it’s the only religion that ends with -ish. I really believe… I really believe that on our wedding night, people were going up to my mother-in-law and saying, “Is Seth Jewish?” And she was saying, “He’s Jew-ish.” You may have noticed that I said, “In the five years my wife and I dated before we got married,” the only mistake… the only mistake I made with my wife is that I made her wait five years before I married her. That is too long for a woman of her caliber. I made a mistake. I also appreciate right now that if you’re watching this with a woman you have dated for five or more years, I have ruined your night. Right now, you are staring at me, but you can tell… that she is staring at you. It gets awkward. The longer you go, the more awkward it gets. We were together for four years. We were trying to figure out what to do for my wife’s birthday. We decided to go to Europe. She said, “Where do you think we should go?” I said, “Why don’t we go to Prague? We’ve never been to Prague. I heard it’s amazing. Let’s go to Prague.” She said, “We could do that. Or we could go to Paris. I know we’ve been to Paris before, but we have such a nice time in Paris.” I said, “Hey, it’s your birthday. If you want to go to Paris, let’s go to Paris.” We go to Paris, and the first night in Paris, my wife is more miserable than I’ve ever seen her. And finally, I said, “Why are you so upset?” And she said, “Every one of my friends said, ‘If he’s bringing you to Paris for your birthday, he is going to propose.'” Oh! To which I said, “Did you fucking tell them about Prague?! Did you tell them my opening offer was Prague? A place where, famously, no one gets engaged.” No one has ever said, “Look what happened in the Czech Republic.” But shame on me. You cannot bring a woman who is expecting an engagement ring to Paris. It is too romantic a place for that. At one point, we were crossing a bridge going over the River Seine, and my passport fell out of my pocket. And I looked down, and I realized it would be easier to kick it into the river… and replace it at the embassy… than it would be to take a knee in Paris without an engagement ring. Like, “Oh! We live here! We live here now. We live here.” But I finally wised up, and after five years, I proposed, and my wife planned the most amazing wedding. She was very sweet, because she tried to involve me in the planning of the wedding by asking me questions, but I kept getting the questions wrong. For example, she said, “Hey, for the wedding invitations, I was thinking, since we’re getting married near a lighthouse, it might be cool to get a lighthouse embossed on the back of the wedding envelopes. What do you think? It’s a little bit more expensive, but I think it’d be really nice.” And I said, “I have to be honest, I don’t think people look at things like the back of wedding envelopes. And if it’s more expensive, it’s probably not worth it.” And then, I could tell from her expression that what had happened was… is she had phrased a statement in the form of a question. And the punctuation was purely ornamental. But instead of giving up on me, she just made the questions easier. She was really holding onto this idea that I would help her plan the wedding. So she would say things like, “Hey, what do you think we should do for food at our wedding? Do you think we should have it professionally catered, or… do you think we should have a trash can full of Wendy’s in the middle of the dance floor?” And I’d think about it, and I’d say, “I think we should have it professionally catered.” And she’d say, “Look who’s planning a wedding! My little wedding planner right over there!” So, she plans, uh, this amazing, uh, wedding. And then, uh, at the rehearsal dinner, night before the wedding, uh, my wife got food poisoning. Oh! That is the accurate reaction to that piece of news. We’re at the rehearsal dinner, it’s a wonderful night, but my wife does not look well, and I say, “What’s wrong?” And she said, “I think I have food poisoning.” And so, then, I did something, uh, called mansplaining. And… Uh, if you don’t know what that is, uh, ladies… It is when… a man with no shared experience to what you’re going through tells you what’s actually happening. And so, I said to my wife, “You do not have food poisoning. What you have is something called the wedding jitters. You’re gonna go back to your parents’ house, I’m gonna go to the hotel. In the morning, I’m gonna call, you’re gonna feel great, and we’re gonna have this amazing wedding that you have planned.” And so, we did that, and the next morning I called her, and I said, “How are you feeling?” And she said, “I’m at the emergency room because I have fucking food poisoning.” So, I’m driving to the hospital the morning of my wedding, and I’m thinking to myself, “Oh, my God. I hope she doesn’t die for two reasons. One… I love her more than anything in the world. I cannot imagine living another day without her.” Two, I couldn’t help but think, if your wife dies of any kind of poisoning… morning of the wedding… you’re gonna be a suspect. And even once they clear you, that’s a real shadow for the rest of your dating life. “Were you ever married?” “Almost. Died, morning of. Poisoned. Anyway… Can I make you another drink?” There’s one thing I feel terrible about, which is this. I felt so bad for my wife, and the whole time I was thinking, I’m so angry that it’s her and not me. That’s really not fair. A bride should feel great on her wedding day, but there was one thing that made me… a little happy… that it was her, which is this. About… a month before our wedding, my wife said to me, “Hey, I think, at our wedding, we should do a choreographed first dance.” The only person I know who’s a worse dancer than I am is my wife. But because “Envelope-gate” had just happened… instead of saying, “I think that’s a terrible idea.” I said to her, “I think that’s a great idea. And I think that not one of the over 100 professional comedians at our wedding… will talk shit about us behind our back… during our terrible-ass dance.” And we went and we saw a woman, a choreographer, and this was her specialty, was to teach people who did not know how to dance how to do a first dance at a wedding. And we went in, and it was the most… She was the most vibrant person I’ve ever met, and she looked at us and said, “I know you think you can’t do this, but I promise you, you can do this. If you put the same commitment to this as you’re about to give to each other, this will be the most amazing thing. And when you do this dance, your family, your friends, all of them will say, ‘You are a perfect couple.'” And we bought in. Guys, we bought in. And we said, “You know what, lady? You won us over. Let’s do it.” And after a full hour of dancing with this woman, her soul had died. I’ve never seen a person look more hopeless. She looked the way an emergency room doctor would look if you just ran in with a bunch of bones and said, “Help my grandpa! Stay with us!” My wife’s not here, but this is one of the moves of the wedding dance that I remember. See if you can imagine this. If I did that better than anyone on Earth, it would be the worst thing I ever did. So, as we’re leaving the ER, after my wife has been pumped full of fluids, and my wife is a superhero who’s rallied and was about to actually have a great wedding, she turns to me in the car and says, “I think I don’t feel well enough to do the dance.” And I will tell you that Daniel Day-Lewis himself would’ve tipped his cap at the delivery I gave. When I looked at her with the hands on the wheel, and I said, “That is so unfair.” Now we’re married, we have two kids, a three-year-old and a one-year-old. And it’s great having two kids. It’s a lot, but also, you’re a little bit more relaxed, because the more kids you have, the more resilient you realize children are. Uh, now, we don’t panic every time we hear a “thunk.” For those of you who don’t have kids, a thunk is the sound of a toddler’s head hitting the ground. And when you first hear it, when you only have one kid, you panic every time you hear it. But then, you grow to learn that a toddler’s head is so close to the ground that… it can’t reach terminal velocity. The thunk is either followed by the sound of your kid just getting up and going, doing whatever he was doing pre-thunk. Or they start to cry, more often than not, because they’ve scared themselves. The other day, I was upstairs and my wife was downstairs with one of our boys, and I heard the thunk, followed by a cry. And I realized, that provided me with an opportunity to go downstairs and behave the way I want my wife to behave when the thunk is my fault. ‘Cause this was clearly on her watch that the thunk happened. So, I came downstairs and she was comforting our son. And I said to her, “He’s fine. He’s just scared. Don’t blame yourself.” And my wife looked at me and said, “He was actually going down that step I always warn him about. And I thought if I just let him fall, maybe he’ll learn his lesson.” And all I could think was the fucking look she would’ve given me. We’ve got two now, we’re a little more loose with it. You know, we’ve realized now we don’t like hanging out with friends that just have one toddler, they’re too stressed out. We also don’t like hanging out with friends that also have two. There’s just too much going on. We like hanging out with people who have three or more kids. Because people with three or more kids are so Zen and checked out. They are so checked out. There could not be a sound loud enough from the other room… that will make them put down their CBD-infused Pinot Grigio. You can hear… just a grandfather clock come crashing down, and they’re like, “Watch it in there, guys. They’re kids. They’re fine. They’re kids.” Somebody runs in, is like, “A raccoon bit me!” They’re like, “Did you bite ’em back? They’re kids. They gotta learn. They’re kids.” I’m fascinated by the youngest of three kids. They’re so much more interesting than the other kids. They’re so resourceful and self-reliant because they’ve received so much less attention in their lives. They’ve figured out everything on their own. You know, when you have one two-year-old, they’re crying for you to make a smoothie. When your third is two years old, they make the smoothie. They just walk into the kitchen, drag in a stool, get up on top of it, start throwing bananas into a blender. And it’s not even your blender. It’s a blender they bought from a job they have on the side. And the parents know that they get things done, and so, the parents take advantage of them and treat ’em like a tiny monkey butler. “Tyler, we’re out of beers!” And he just comes in with… Coronas on a tray and limes in the tops. And they’re verbally advanced, so much more verbally advanced than their siblings were at that age, and at the end of the night, they say, “Well, if that’s everything, I’m gonna put myself down. I can feel myself getting a little cranky and I certainly don’t want any of you to have to see that. If you need anything else, my older sister, Becky, is here to help you. Good night.” We are, um… We’re thinking about a third. We are thinking about a third. Our biggest hesitation is that when you have a child, you have to give birth to a child, and we… We’ve had very dramatic birth stories… so far in the old Meyers family. Our first boy was almost born in the backseat of an Uber. My wife started having contractions, they started moving so quickly. We called our doctor to explain what was happening. He said, “You have to come right now.” We got into the Uber. And on the way to hospital, my wife was in so much pain that she was on all fours in the backseat of the Uber with her head out the window… screaming, “I do not like this.” Being very economical with her word choice. Also, in any other city in America, if someone’s yelling, “I do not like this,” out the window of a car, it is an abduction taking place. In New York City, nobody blinks an eye. See, we weren’t on highways. We were, like, stopped at stop lights. And my wife was screaming, “I do not like this,” and old women were, like, crossing the crosswalk, saying, “It’s New York City. Nobody likes it.” And we got to the hospital, my wife gave birth 15 minutes after we got to the hospital, 15 minutes after we got there. And I had not decided where I was gonna watch from. I had not decided vantage point, and then, things were moving so fast that I just watched it all, and I’m so glad I did. It truly was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. It truly was stunningly beautiful to watch my son being born. I have since seen a still photo of it. Horror show. But good when it was, like, moving. So, anyways… we almost have our first kid in an Uber. And despite that, our second baby was born in the lobby of our apartment building. And guys, I know you’re judging me right now. Like, “How could you have your baby born in the lobby of your apartment building after what happened last time?” But we were on our toes based on what had happened last time. Once again, the contractions started. We didn’t wait a second, we didn’t call the doctor. We went downstairs into our lobby and we started walking out to the car. And all of a sudden, at the door, my wife stopped and turned to me and said, “The baby is here.” Subtle. Nuanced. From the people who brought you, “I do not like this”… “The baby is here.” And so, once again, I go to my old standby of mansplaining… which, if you ladies forgot… is when a man uses no shared experience, and says to his wife, “The baby is not here. You only think the baby is here. We have more than enough time to make it to the hospital. Take it from me, a man who has also had a baby out of his vagina.” And my wife looks back at me and says, “The baby is here.” And I looked down, and the only way to describe what I saw… It looked like my wife was trying to smuggle a baby in a pair of sweatpants. It was like, “Oh! That can only be one thing!” It was like a velour boa constrictor ate a baby. And so, then my wife doubles back. And I would describe her gait as the way you would walk if you had a wet grocery bag full of oranges. Like, “Okay, where… Would love to find a place to put this down. If there was anywhere to put this down.” And we basically had two choices of where to go at that point. We could either get back on the elevator or go to the lobby. Terrible options… if what you want is a hospital. Neither of those are even close to a hospital. That would be like if you said to someone, “Hey, do you have an iPhone charger I can borrow?” And they said, “No, but I have a grapefruit and a sombrero.” You would say, “Just fucking say no.” So, my wife chooses lobby, and my wife goes down and she lies on her back in the lobby. And I cannot stress to you how quickly she gave birth to our son. I was on the phone with 911, and this was the extent of my conversation with 911. “We’re about to have a baby. We’re having a baby. We had a baby.” And let me tell you, it is very strange to be on a 911 call that ends with the operator saying, “Congratulations!” Almost never happens. Almost unheard of. You might be saying to yourself, “Seth, you just told us that you watched the birth of your first child from a vantage point, wherein you might actually have learned something that would be helpful in the birth of your second child. Hopefully, you’re about to tell us how helpful you were.” Sadly, I am not. I stood with my back against the wall, mouth agape, as my wife Lion King-ed her own baby. She played… She played two roles. She was Simba’s mom and that weird old monkey. You know, I think we all think of ourselves as the heroes in our own story. You see your entire life from your perspective. And yet, there’s never in my life been a moment where I’ve felt more like the sidekick to someone else than when I stood there and watched my wife deliver our child, which made the next moment one of the more harrowing moments of my life. Because in every day of the past nine months, my wife had said to me, “Make sure you have the doctor’s phone number in your phone.” So, imagine how I felt… having watched my wife do what she just did, to have her look at me and say, “Call the doctor,” and I had to look back at her and say, “Do you have his number?” I had 911! The other thing that was crazy is, within 15 minutes of my son being born, there were, uh, five firemen and seven police officers in our lobby. And, uh, that was weird for me, because, uh, I think, as a dad, you’re hopeful that until your kids are seven, eight, nine years old, you will be the coolest man they ever meet. And yet, I feel, a full 15 minutes into my son’s life, he was looking around being like, “Man, I really hope my dad is one of these 12 kick-ass dudes. Not that scared guy in the corner. Looking in a phone for a number he knows isn’t there. Is he Googling, ‘Baby doctor New York?'” They were… They were so professional. If any of them recognized me, none of them said a word until the last minute, because as we were loading my wife into the ambulance, the last fireman was walking by, and as he passed me, he whispered in my ear, “Guess you got your monologue for tonight.” I was like, “I do. Thank you. Thank you. I do.” You may be wondering, I don’t blame you for wondering, you may be asking, “Is it possible to love a lobby baby as much as a hospital baby?” It is. Over time, it is. In fact, the only relationship that changed based on the fact that we had a baby in a lobby is our relationship with the two doormen who were on duty that night. And it changed in very different ways. Ramone is now like family. Ramone feels like he was there for a magical moment. He feels closer to us than anyone else in the building. Every time he sees our son, his face lights up. Kevin cannot make eye contact with my wife. Kevin is definitely giving off a “I’ve-seen-your-wife’s-vagina” vibe. The other crazy thing about being a dad is you just aren’t a dad, and then you are. It changes immediately. And I feel like, for a mother, you know, your body is telling you that a change is coming. You feel like a mother before the moment actually happens. But you are just not a dad, and then you are a dad. And that became very clear to me after our first son was born. About two hours after, we were in the hospital, and he’s asleep and my wife’s asleep, and a nurse brings me some paperwork to fill out. And the first question was, “Mother’s name?” And I put my wife’s name. And then, it said, “Mother’s phone number.” And I put my wife’s phone number. And then, it said, “Father’s name.” And I put my wife’s father’s name. And then, it said, “Father’s phone number.” And I thought, “Who the fuck knows their father-in-law’s phone number?” And then, I realized, “Oh, I’m the father!” I hope I can be as good of a father to my kids as my dad was to me and my brother. My dad was an incredible father. So supportive, our best friend, even to this day. And there are things that I want to emulate in the way that he raised us. One thing I’m really looking forward to is trying to be the kind of disciplinarian that my dad was, because he really seemed to enjoy it. He was never physical or threatening. He used a technique that I believe cognitive psychologists would refer to as “mindfuckery.” I remember there was this time there was a storm in our town that knocked down a tree in our backyard. And the town came and took the tree, but they left the stump. And my dad thought the stump was an eyesore, and it really drove him crazy that he had this ugly stump in his front lawn. And so, one day, we were driving to school and one of our neighbors had a landscaping crew there. And my dad stopped the car and he got out, and he went over to the foreman and said, “If I gave you 100 bucks, would you get rid of this stump using your bulldozer?” The guy said, “I can do that.” Dad took us to school, went to work. That night he got home, the stump was still there. Next day, stopped again. The guy said, “We got busy. We’ll get rid of the stump.” Again, school, work, came home, stump was still there. My dad was so mad that the stump was still there. It was all he talked about. It was the week we found out the incredibly high bar he had for the customer service he expected of under-the-table stump removal. So, finally, after about a week, we’re driving to school, and my dad stops the car, and turns around to my brother and I, and says, “Everything’s gonna be fine.” Which is a terrifying thing to hear… if it never even occurred to you everything would not be fine. It sounds like a positive thing, but in context, it’s very negative. It’d be like if a surgeon, right before you went under, said to you, “I hope we meet again!” So, my dad said, “Everything’s gonna be fine.” And he gets out of the car, and he walks over. And in his business suit, he lies down in front of the bulldozer. Lies down on the ground in front of the bulldozer. And then, as you would do if you were a landscaping crew and you saw this happen, they all walked over. The foreman said, “What are you doing?” And my dad looked at him and said, “I’m so depressed about the stump in my lawn… that I don’t want to live anymore. Will you please run me over with your bulldozer?” And the foreman said, “Man, you’ve got to get up.” My dad said, “I can’t get up. I’m too sad… from, you know, the stump.” And so, they looked at my dad, and then they looked at my brother and I with our faces pressed against the window. And he said, “Man, I promise if you get up right now, and get in your car, I will turn this bulldozer around. The stump will be gone by lunch.” My dad said, “You promise?” He said, “I promise.” My dad got back in the car. We drove off. We watched the bulldozer turn around and go the other way. And it was a very quiet and awkward drive. And then, finally, after about ten minutes of silence, my brother said, “Why would you do that… with us in the car?” And my dad, with no hesitation, said, “Oh, it wouldn’t have worked without you in the car.” I have great parents. And it’s fun to be a parent, because I think in a lot of ways, it makes you a better person in general because you just have more empathy and you care more about the future of the world. But in other ways, it makes you morally a worse person because now there are things you would never have done before that you would do for your kids. Like, for example, we have this plastic toy. It’s basically a plastic box with four holes in it, and it has four corresponding shapes that goes into those holes. There’s a square, there’s a circle, there’s a triangle, there’s a star… We lost the star. I don’t know where the star is, but we lost the star. And yet, every time we take the game out, my three-year-old says, “Where the star go?” And I say to him, “We lost the star.” And if you’ve ever met or talked to a three-year-old, you know that’s not the end of that conversation. No three-year-old ever says, “Ah, such is life. We shall not speak of it again.” So, I’m not sad that we lost the star ’cause he misses the star, I’m just so fucking irritated talking about it. And the other day, we were over at one of his friend’s house for a play date, and I noticed they have the same toy. And they have the star. And I couldn’t believe the speed at which I had the thought… “Am I gonna steal the fucking star?” I’m like casing the place for a nanny cam. It’s like I was George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven. Asking the dad weird questions, like, “Hey, when you lose stuff, do you just let it be lost or do you investigate?” In the end, I did not steal it, but not because it was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t steal it because I thought I wouldn’t get away with it. I think I could’ve gotten the plastic star out of the house. I think I could’ve done that part. But I think the next time I took it out, I couldn’t be sure that my son wouldn’t go, “That’s Tony’s star.” And the minute he does that, we can never see Tony again. ‘Cause my son will give me up. And three just seems like it’s too young to teach him, “Snitches get stitches.” We don’t want to let our kids play video games, which means I have to stop playing video games. Which is sad because I love video games. I like it ’cause it’s the only place I’m good at sports. My brother said, “Oh, you should play Xbox Live, it’s really great.” And I said, “Why’s it great?” He said that you put on a headset and you can talk to the people you’re playing against. And I did it. And it wasn’t great because I found out by doing it that I’m way worse at video games than 12-year-olds. The way I found out they were 12 is the other day I was playing somebody and I lost two games in a row. I said, “One more game?” They said, “No, I have to go.” And I said, “What do you have to do?” And they said, “Social Studies homework.” And I said, “How old are you?” And they said, “Twelve, how old are you?” And I said, “I’m 36.” And I’m not. I’m 45, and let me tell you guys something. When you… When you lie about your age by nine years… and you’re still three times as old as the person you’re lying to… it’s a real take-stock-of-your-life moment. Like, pretty much the only upside there is, “Well, at least I’m not a pedophile.” Speaking of pedophiles, and I’ll be brief… My least favorite thing about pedophiles… My second-least favorite thing about pedophiles… My least favorite thing is, you know, the whole… the whole deal. My second least favorite thing, every time they catch a pedophile, the same thing happens, they interview friends and neighbors of the pedophile. And they always say, “He’s the last person we ever suspected of something like this.” And I hate that so much because it implies everyone’s walking around with a list in their head in reverse order… of the likelihood that everyone they know is a pedophile. Just once I’d love to see someone on the local news being like, “What do you think of the local pedophile?” “Who’s the local pedophile?” “Your neighbor Dave.” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah! Yeah, of all our friends, we thought it might be Dave.” Also, “pedophile” is too fancy a word. You know what I mean? It’s like a pervert who’s also a snob. It’s like, “Child molester? Please. I’m a pedophile.” It also reflects so badly on the other “-philes.” You know, like bibliophiles, cinephiles. Those are just people who like books and movies, you know? An audiophile likes music. He doesn’t fuck the record player. That is the best that joke has ever gone. The best that joke has ever gone. You were probably thinking, “I was right in the middle.” Nope. Best it’s ever gone. And for the special, no less, peaking at the right time. Thank you. Thank you, Minneapolis. I was bombing everywhere and people said, “Give it a chance in Minneapolis, they go… they go for the pedophile jokes there.” Every now and then, I do a show at a college. And every now and then, it is a Catholic university. And… Uh… Ugh… Oh, man. You remember what we were just talking about, right? Every time I do a show at a Catholic university, the same thing happens right before I go on stage. Someone from the school will take me aside and say, “Hey, the only thing we’d ask is don’t make any jokes about the Catholic Church.” And I feel like I have the perfect response to that, which is I look at them, and I say, “Oh, what kind of jokes do people make about the Catholic Church?” And it’s so great, because when I do that, their eyes light up… with joy, because you can tell they’re thinking, “Oh, my God. Maybe he hasn’t heard!” And that… is faith. Really, there’s a lot of conversations lately about people in scandals, and questions like, “When can that person come back into society?” “When can this person, post-scandal, come back?” And it makes me think, doesn’t it feel like the Catholic Church should’ve had to have taken at least one week off? Just after everything that’s happened, just one week you go to church, and there be a sign outside saying, “Hey, we’re closed for the day. We’re doing an all-staff meeting. We’re gonna go over the rules one more time.” I mean, there was one racist incident at Starbucks and they shutdown all the Starbucks. And solved racism. That’s why you don’t hear about it anymore, ’cause of Starbucks. I’ve nothing against Catholics. The most wonderful people. Yet, the leadership, it’s crazy. If your favorite restaurant in the world, if you found out they had a rat problem, you would say, “Hey, I’m not coming back until you solve the rat problem.” If you waited a month, came back, and said, “Is everything taken care of?” If they said to you, “It’s more than taken care of. We found a thousand rats in the dining room, and we moved ’em to the kitchen.” I mean, when Netflix kicked Kevin Spacey off House of Cards, they didn’t move him to Stranger Things. And I mean, he would’ve… loved that. So, I want to talk about, uh, politics, uh, for a second. But I also… Yeah. I also know there are people who, uh, don’t like jokes about politics. And because this is on Netflix, it presents us with a unique opportunity. Uh, we are gonna have an option for people watching at home to skip politics. There will be a box right down there. And they can just click that, and it will take them to the next moment of the show when it’s not about politics. So, let’s give them a second to find that. Because I appreciate that there are people who think there are too many jokes about Donald Trump. And they say, “When are the jokes about Donald Trump gonna stop?” And the only thing I’ll say is I feel like the jokes are the only good part about living through the Trump era. The only good part. I mean… living through the Trump era without any jokes would be like getting a prostate exam and not wanting the results. “Let me tell you what we’ve found.” “No, no! That’s not what I’m here for! I’m gonna be here tomorrow, get you back up in there, though.” It’s also very strange for me, because, based on the kind of show I do, and because it’s a show about politics, people have been coming up to me so much over the last few years and saying, “Oh, my God. This Trump presidency must be so good for you. How good is this Trump presidency for you?” And I hate that, because I hate having people feel as though I’m benefiting from this. I’m feeling like… I feel as though I’m a gravedigger in the Middle Ages. And people are coming up to me, like, “Oh, my God. This plague must be so good for you. How good is this plague?” And I have to say, “Well, obviously, we’re very upset about the plague. But it has been very good for me. It’s been very good for business, really. We had to open a second location.” It’s also strange because there are people who blame me for the Trump presidency, because in 2011, I told jokes about him at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and many people say that’s the night that maybe he decided to run for president, because I told jokes about him and President Obama told jokes about him. And it turns out, he has very thin skin. Which is ironic, because it looks thick. Like the heel of a catcher’s mitt. A lot of people said it because I told jokes about him that night, Obama told jokes about him that night. That night he began plotting his revenge, began plotting this course to be president of this country. And a lot of people wrote articles about that night in the lead-up to the election. And a lot of those articles only talked about Obama’s jokes and left me out of it, and that hurt my feelings, because I also wanted credit for tricking him into running for president, because I was so sure that he was going to lose. And then he won, and the minute he won, I realized something. “This is Obama’s fault.” You know who I feel really bad for in the Trump era is, uh, Canada. I feel bad for Canada because in the run-up to the election, so many people said, “If he wins, I’m gonna move to Canada.” And then he won, and nobody did. They must’ve been so excited on election night. Like, waiting at the border. Then a couple of weeks passed, nobody showed up, they called. They were like, “Hey, you guys coming or not, eh?” And we’re like, “Oh, what? Oh, yeah. Umm… no.” They’re like, “Why not? Did he not win?” “No. Yeah, no. He did. He did win.” “Oh, is he not as bad as you thought he was gonna be?” “N-No, he… he’s a little bit worse.” “So, what’s this all a-boot?” “Uh… “I g… Yeah, um… I guess we just don’t want to live in fucking Canada.” A lot of conservative Christians voted for Donald Trump, and they voted for him for the reason that he would pick conservative judges. He would pass legislation that was kind to them, and they are certainly getting what they voted for. And I am not to deny anyone voting for what they want. The thing that frustrates me is when conservative Christians tell us that Donald Trump is a religious man. Donald Trump is not, in any way, shape, or form… …a religious man. Here’s a dead giveaway. Here’s a dead giveaway. Donald Trump does not go to church. Which makes sense, because he would hate church. Can you imagine Donald Trump sitting for an hour in a room where someone talks about the glory of someone who is not Donald Trump? “Is this whole hour about Jesus? Do you know he didn’t own a single hotel? True story. Night he was born, couldn’t get a hotel reservation.” And the Bible warns against this exact thing. In the Bible, it says, “Beware of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” Donald Trump isn’t even trying that hard. He is not a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’s a wolf in a shitty wool sweater… Just walking into a flock, being like, “Baa, I’m a sheep. When are you guys going to bed? Baa, I’m also a sheep. I’m not gonna eat you. ‘Cause I’m a sheep. Baa!” The other crazy thing about that White House Correspondents’ Dinner night is it was on a Saturday, and on Sunday, Barack Obama went on television and announced that SEAL Team Six had killed Osama bin Laden the very next day. And it was an amazing moment. I think it caused a lot… Yeah. It was a moment of great relief to many Americans, which is why I’m ashamed to this day at how I reacted to that piece of news. Because I… did what I thought was a very good job at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and it went to my head. It went to my head and I started thinking, “When the news comes on Monday, all they’re gonna do is talk about how fucking funny I was on Saturday… as long as nothing major happens on Sunday… a notoriously slow news day.” I’m basically admitting to you that I was the one person in America, who upon hearing that SEAL Team Six had killed Osama bin Laden had this reaction… “Shit! Tonight! They waited ten years and they got him tonight! Fuck me!” All right. That’s the end of politics. And, uh… we’re gonna have the people who left us join us again. But when they come back, I want them to hear me say something that will make them curious enough to go back… and watch it. So, I’ll just give it a beat here. So, I guess my point is I misjudged him and I do think he’s a very good president. The whole thing, based on how I laid it out. You agree with me, too. I’ve been, uh, living with my wife now for ten years. We’ve lived together for ten years, and let me tell you, my wife has made my life just immeasurably better. Living with her has made just my environment immeasurably better. Everything about living with my wife is so much better. With that said, and I’m ashamed to say it, there are times where I resent how much better she thinks she’s made it. Like the other day, I couldn’t find my belt and my wife found my belt, and as she brought it to me, she said, “Where would you be without me?” And I wanted to say, “Exactly here without the belt.” In fact, I would have the belt because I would know exactly where it was, in yesterday’s pants on the floor. But now… we’re not allowed to leave yesterday’s pants on the floor, so I need a National Treasure-style map to find my one lousy belt. My wife always knows where everything is because my wife has OCD. She’s one of those people who, if she walks into a room and anything is even a little bit off, if a Venetian blind is turned the wrong way, she cannot settle until she figures out what it is. And I think it’s really important to find ways to never be bored in a marriage. And so, what I like to do… If I get home first, what I like to do is I like to go into our closet and turn around one of the hangers. And then, when she gets home, I sit on the end of the bed, and I ask her how her day was. And then, I wait until she goes into her closet and she gets quiet, because her spidey sense is telling her that something’s wrong. And it’s in that silence that I think to myself, “As long as I can do this, I will never be bored in this marriage.” I have a brother. My wife has a brother and a sister. And it’s been a real education what sisters are like, especially how sisters fight. The way my wife and her sister fight is it escalates so quickly, and then is immediately forgotten by both of them. And the only people left to pick up the pieces are those of us unlucky enough to have been there when it went down. This is a very normal argument, a normal fight between my wife and her sister. One of them will say, “Hey, when you borrowed my sweater, you stretched out the neck.” And the other one will say, “You were a slut in high school.” I’ll be like, “Whoa!” Where is the middle of that argument? The sister will leave and slam the door. You’ll think, “We’ll never see her again.” The next day, the buzzer in the apartment rings. “Who’s that?” “It’s my sister.” “What’s your sister doing here?” “She’s borrowing a sweater.” And I’m like, “What about the neck? Did you already forget about the neck?” This is a true story about my wife and her sister. When they were five and nine, they were sharing a bowl of guacamole. And one of them, I won’t say which one, took the last bite of guacamole, and the other one said, “Did you take the last bite of guacamole? You are a bitch.” And then, the one who had taken the bite, very calmly looked at her sister dead-eyed, pulled the bowl back, opened her mouth, and let the bite of guacamole fall back into the bowl. And the only part… The only part of that story that isn’t true is that it happened last week. It happened last week and I was there. My wife is a lawyer. My wife is a former prosecutor. Uh, I use “former” loosely because she falls back into it pretty quickly when we argue. In every one of our arguments, my wife is this incredibly well-prepared prosecutor and I am a public defense attorney who just found out I have the case. Like, she’s so ready for all of our arguments, and I’m running into the courthouse late, and I’ve got papers coming out of my briefcase and mustard on my tie, and I run up to the judge, and I say, “I need a continuance!” And the judge says, “Overruled!” because my wife is also the judge. She’s one of those really, really good prosecutors that gets you to admit to your crime on the stand without you knowing it. Like, we’ll have an argument, and she’ll say, “Hey, did you forget to separate the recycling when you took out the trash today?” And I’ll say, “Absolutely not.” And she’ll say, “You’re so confident. How can you be so sure?” And I’ll say, “I didn’t take out the trash today.” And she’ll say, “No further questions, Your Honor.” One of the things my wife loves about the law is each side gets to make their case. And we were talking about how that’s so different from my job, where I get to come out here and just give my side of the case. So, we decided it would be healthy and good if I also shared her perspective. So, would it be okay right now if I did stand-up as my wife about me? Is that good with everybody? Hey, everybody. Um, my name is Alexi Ashe Meyers. Thank you so much for letting me do this. I really appreciate it. Thank you. I do not… I do not do this professionally, because unlike my husband, I do not live my life in the desperate quest for the approval of strangers. It is true that I found my husband’s belt, but I do take issue with him saying he tried to find it, could not find it. I want to tell you how my husband looks for things. He looks one place, and if it’s not there, he loses his mind. This is my impression of my husband as Sherlock Holmes. “Watson, I believe the killer was the coachman.” “Well, it couldn’t have been the coachman, Holmes. The coachman was out of town.” “Then I don’t fucking know, man! I don’t fucking know, Watson!” It’s true, I have OCD. My husband has no CD. And that, I mean there is no amount of clutter that can make him even the least bit upset. He is a glass-half-full kind of guy. And by that, I mean there is not one surface in our apartment that does not have a half-full glass of water on it. Because despite being a full-grown man, he can still not remember how much water he needs when he’s thirsty. Nor can he remember when he’s thirsty again that he has unfinished water right next to where he was sitting. So, however hard it is to live with my OCD, I assure you it’s only a fraction as hard as it is living with a man who has aqua aphasia. I’m a former prosecutor. I’m a former sex crimes prosecutor. And you would think, based on that, that at the end of a hard day at work, my husband, the comedian, would cheer me up. You’d be wrong. One time, I came home and he was lying on the couch. And I said, “What’s wrong?” And he said, “Two of my jokes didn’t work in the monologue tonight.” And I said, “You have a show tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll get them next time.” And the, he just rolled over and made a noise, like… And then, a full hour later, he finally got around to asking how my day was. And I said, “It was really hard. We arrested a pedophile.” And then, I swear to God… when he heard that word, he smiled. And I said, “Why are you smiling?” And he said, “‘Pedophile’ is too fancy a word.” And I said, “That joke will never work.” And he said, “It might work in Minneapolis. You never know. Give it a chance in Minneapolis.” I spit out the guacamole. Who’s the bitch now? Every now and then, I want to let my husband sleep in. When I want to let him sleep in, what I will do is I will get up very quietly. I will take our two boys, I will bring them downstairs, and I will make them breakfast. When my husband wants to let me sleep in, what he will do is he will wake me up… and say, “I’m gonna let you sleep in.” Because he can’t even go an hour without getting thanked. And by they way, I’m not gonna make it an hour, because there are so many questions. The morning that he tries to help out, there are so many questions. He’ll go downstairs, then he’ll come back up and just say, like, “Hey, what do the kids eat? How do I make it? Where do I put it? In their mouths? When they’re done, how do I clean up? Do I do all the dishes or just throw them in the garbage?” And then, I’m so frustrated that I just get up ’cause it’s easier to do it myself than explain it all to him. And then, he gets frustrated at me and says, “I will never learn unless you teach me.” And when he says that to me, I am so happy that the windows in our apartment have child locks, because if they didn’t, I would open them up and throw myself out. Because how do you not know? There’s that expression, “If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you will feed him for life.” My question that I ask my husband now is, “How do you not know how to fucking fish? You watch me fish every day. And then, when it’s your turn to fish, you eat the worm and throw the whole fucking rod in the water. What’s wrong with you?” Sometimes my husband will open the refrigerator and say, “We’re out of yogurt.” And I will say, “We are not out of yogurt.” And he will say, “I swear to God, there’s no yogurt in this refrigerator.” And I will say, “Please don’t make me come over there and find the yogurt.” And he will say, “On our child’s lives, there is no yogurt in this refrigerator.” And then, I will walk over to the refrigerator and it will take me this long to find the yogurt. This is my husband if he was Apollo 13. “Houston, we have a problem. There is no moon.” And then I would say, “Have you looked out both windows?” And then, there’d be a pause. And he’d say, “Houston… we’re good to go.” But guys, I feel bad. I do feel bad about something. Every tenth time… there is no yogurt… Every tenth time I have just forgotten that we ran out of yogurt, and we did not replace the yogurt. But now my husband is too afraid of me to ask me to find the yogurt. And so, he’ll just stand there with the refrigerator door open looking for yogurt that is not there. And in those moments where I see him, with the blue light of the refrigerator illuminating his stupid face… as he scans the only three shelves over and over again… In that moment, I think to myself, “As long… as I can make him do this… I will never be bored in this marriage.” Thank you, guys, so much! You’ve been amazing! Good night, Minneapolis.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-unveiled-transcript/

Thank you, Nashville! Thank you. So this year was a really important year for me because I got… Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that reciprocity. I said something positive, you gave me positivity back. I was like, “I got married,” and you were like, “That’s great. How old is she?” But like, you went… …for it. I think sometimes as women we’re afraid to share good personal news with people. Because we’re afraid that other women won’t be happy for us. What a scathing note -to start a special out on. But all too often you say something good like, “I got married,” and what I’ll get back is like… “Amazing.” I am here running on a platform to eradicate the usage of the word… “amazing”… …from our female vocabularies because I know what “amazing” means. Okay? Girls, when you say “amazing,” I know you don’t mean amazing. Okay, so save it for your boyfriends. They are not paying attention. I know what amazing means. When a woman says “amazing,” what she actually means is, “This isn’t about me and I don’t care and I’m a little insecure but I wanna make sure I’m being a good feminist and saying ‘amazing’ back when in actuality it’s boring.” Amazing. -That’s what that means. Amazing. We’ve become like robots just like, “Amazing, amazing, amaz… – Amazing. It’s amazing.” Because in the wake of Me Too and Time’s Up, all of these important, very necessary movements, what’s come out of it is women policing other women and we walk around terrified as women of being called bad feminists by quite frankly other bad feminists. So we all walk around on this heightened alert like, “She’s amazing. I didn’t say anything. Don’t get mad at me. I love all women. No woman’s ever made a mistake. White jeans are always a great choice. -Slay, queen.” Terrified. Terrified. That if we give an actual opinion, we’re going to get crucified. That if you say any criticism, some blogger in the back of the room is like… “Female comic shamed my choices by existing. She hurt my fee-fees.” That’s what happens. So we all walk around and all we’re doing is blaming other women for our own insecurities and all of a sudden everyone’s shaming everyone by sharing an opinion that you fought so valiantly to get to exercise. “You’re shaming her. You’re shaming her.” “I’m not. She fucked up my coffee order. No personal agenda. I asked her to make it again.” This is why China is beating us. Okay? I’m a real feminist. I judge you on the asshole that you are, we go from there. That’s what it should be. Okay? That’s what it should be. You liking another woman should not be mandated. That’s not feminism, that’s communism. Okay? This idea that just because she showed up I’m supposed to have this abundant love, I can promise you this as a feminist. I’m excited you showed up. I’m excited you’re capable. I do not hate you because you’re younger than me or prettier than me or as successful. However, you showed up and so did I so let’s get it started ’cause life’s a competition. -Like, let’s do it that way. Okay? And I know other women feel the same way, not just because you’re laughing at what I’m saying, but if you look at the language that women consistently use to uphold one another, the language is aggressive. ‘Cause women are aggressive, we’re just not allowed to show it because “likability and wrinkles.” So we keep everything… But we’re aggressive, look at the words we use on our “slay all day” tote bags and our “feminists with to-do lists” neckerchiefs. Look at the words. “You’re killing it.” “I’m gonna kill you.” “She’s slaying it.” “I’ll slay you in the fucking streets.” “Murdering it.” “Wrecking it.” “Shutting it down in the name of the dark lord!” Like everything. It’s just on fire. It’s exhausting. I don’t have, at 36, the full energy every time I see a woman to be like… “Kill it, queen! Mama. Amazing!” ‘Cause I’m so tired from doing all the other shit society told me to do. So if I see you, you’re not going to get the full welcome bouquet, but it’s not personal. The most you’re going to get out of me is just… So I got married and I married a chef, another thing that I was reticent to tell people because of our country’s preconceived notions about chefs and everybody has an opinion on food. Everyone you know, you say, “I married a chef.” They’re like… “I am a chef, sort of. I film myself, I make it. I put my hand in the water! I’m in to cooking. I have a food blog, I’m a foodie.” Nope, you’re just huge. It’s not… you’re not a foodie. It’s not the same. “I love food.” I’m like, “Me too when I’m drunk at 3:00 a.m. and there’s a taco truck, ‘I’m a foodie,’ but it’s not the same thing.” “No, I have a blog. I write mean comments in a Yelp page. I’m hoping to get a series picked up -based off of it. I love… I take pictures of my spaghetti with a flash so it looks like a snuff film.” Pro tip: don’t take a picture of your food. Period. But don’t take a picture of your food with a flash. It makes the food look like a hostage. The food always looks scared. Like, take a picture of spaghetti with a flash, the spaghetti looks like, it’s like, “Please unchain me, I won’t tell anyone. I promise to be loyal.” Everyone’s involved with food now. I think it’s because of the Food Network, the ubiquity of these cooking shows. Everyone loves cooking and the Food Network, even if you haven’t seen the Food Network, you’ve seen the Food Network, right? -Like, we’ve all seen Chopped, right? Yeah. Inside your wicker basket, you’ll find a severed head and a grape, make a frittata. Yes. And everyone’s a celebrity chef now. Everyone’s like a “celebrity chef.” You can’t just be a chef. When I was little, I don’t remember any boy saying they wanted to be chefs. There were no celebrity chefs. There were like a couple of them. When your parents were kids, there were like three fat French guys -and Julia Child and like that was it. You weren’t a chef, you were a cook and you were a cook on accident. You were a cook ’cause dudes were coming home from Vietnam, we didn’t know what PTSD was yet, they’re like, “Bob’s acting weird. Stick him in the back.” “Female comic makes scathing social commentary -about our nation’s treatment of veterans. Accurate but hurtful.” And because of how many food shows there are out there, the Food Network knows what kind of chefs you like to watch, so they cast the same archetypes of chefs, right? So there’s always like a “bad boy” chef and I didn’t want people to think I was married to that. Like just a sack of rage, fully tattooed piece of shit. “This is a devil’s tooth, here’s your crepe, suck my dick, Karen! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! These are gauges in my ears, they also measure out an ounce of responsibly-sourced tuna, eat my butt, Susan! Just tough. Yeah, wallet chain. I keep a knife in my truck to do a fine chop on parsley, lick it. Just tough.” There’s always a bad boy chef and there’s always a lesbian chef. There’s always a lesbian chef that takes cooking, like, a little too seriously… for this to be an enjoyable viewing experience. They’re always posted up, feet hip-width apart, like… “Yes, chef!” You’re like, “Okay. Can you just stand down? Thank you for your dinner service, but just relax.” “I make vegan wedding cakes.” “You need to chill out.” This is so aggressive, right? They’re always tough. She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna. And food-related tattoos. Like salt, pepper, sugar. Like, yeah. Right? They’re always like meaty. Always a… Always a little mean-looking, right, but she always got a dainty name, like “Charity” ’cause her parents weren’t counting on having a pit bull for a daughter. “Chef Charity, what would you do if you won today’s episode?” “I would take that money so me and my girlfriend, Steph…” It’s always Steph. There’s no tough lesbians out there like, “Hey there. Stephanie.” “Me and my girlfriend, Steph, take that money, move upstate, open up our own bakery and bake everything from snatch.” And then… Okay. Okay. There you are. There you are. Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we? I always like to see where my audience has like gerrymandered its ethics for the evening’s performance. Most of you laugh, there’s always a couple people in the back, like… “She said snatch so close to Sunday. No. No, ma’am. I am uncomfortable. It’s unholy. We got four churches on every corner, but I feel uncomfortable.” “Female comic makes commentary on social topography of neighborhood, “can’t tell what audience is cheering for.” Okay… So we went on our honeymoon and my husband really wanted to go to Italy. Really wanted to go. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go ’cause I’d been. I wanted to go other places, but he wanted to go because he’s a chef and Italy is like a food mecca, so he wanted to make his hajj. So he wanted to go to Italy and I said yes, not because I love him but because you can find alcohol pretty much anywhere. So we go and he nerded out. He made a map, a real eat-seeking map of the whole… country. And we didn’t do the tourist stuff. We went to like the foodie, cheffy places. We went to the region where they grow the grapes that the goats eat. The special goats and they take a dump and it makes the fertilizer that makes the mushrooms. If you eat them, you get detained. Like we did a whole thing. And on, like, day five, I was like, “I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t eat any more. I want to pick something. I cannot be carted around anymore like a prize pig. -I want to pick… I want to participate in this. I want to pick the restaurant and I want to order in Italian.” My husband goes, “You want to pick the restaurant and order in Italian?” I was like, “Yeah, I’ve seen Lady and the Tramp, like, I know what’s going on.” The picking of the restaurant wasn’t that important to me. It was speaking Italian in a restaurant was important to me for one simple fact. I didn’t like the idea that as an American I would walk into some random part of Italy into a random restaurant and have some random Italian waiter think that I expected him, in his own country, to speak English, okay? Yeah. Although he probably should, like that or Spanish or Mandarin, like something along those… So… But I’m hyperaware of how we’re perceived when we travel. As an American and I am very, very proud to be an American, I know that people are watching us. Yeah, you can cheer for that. That’s fine. They have questions. A lot of them hate us ’cause they ain’t us and they want… a reason to discount you and that goes for whoever you are, whatever you look like from anywhere. When you travel abroad and you fuck up, people will decide, “Oh, all of your kind are like that.” And I couldn’t stomach that ’cause I am so proud to be an American and I wanted him to think all the great things about Americans that we already think about ourselves. So I wanted… to walk in and have him think that we’re educated and open-minded and kind and if I’m shitcanned and embarrassing in public, I want people to know I’m Canadian and I’m sorry. So I’m all set to speak Italian. I’ve got the, like, translator thing. I’m all ready to go, he hands me a menu and it’s a steakhouse. I’m like, “I’m gonna do this. It’ll be flawless Italian. It’ll be so impressive. Everyone will be impressed. They’re gonna vote me mayor of Italy. Open it up…” And I open the menu and all of their steaks were listed… in grams. There’s a 500 gram steak. What the fuck is a gram? I was so busy focusing on coming off looking amazing and the conjugation and the pronunciation, I forgot the rest of the world uses metric to measure. The rest of the world uses fucking logic. Tens, one hundreds. Yes! We here in the United States, we like to measure based… on a dream. And I’m staring at this 500 gram steak and the waiter’s looking at me, my new husband’s looking at me and I’m trying to do the conversion math in my head where my only frame of reference was like, “Okay. Well, a gram of cocaine is like that much.” Okay, you know what? We’re just gonna do an eight ball of steak. For the table. Yeah. Thank you. Grazie mille. I love it, Nashville turned up for that cocaine joke. Oh, yeah. I heard a lot of guys laughing. “Don’t let the Vineyard Vines fool you, I fucking love rails! I may have little whales embroidered on my shorts but I like to fuck and party. Yeah. You can seersucker my dick.” Love the South. So I got married about a year ago. I’ve had about a year to think on it, ruminate on it, marinate on it, and I think what’s fascinating about getting married is it’s one of the few acts you can go through in this lifetime where once you do it once you come out the other end an expert. Totally omniscient, you know everything. You do it once, you come out the other end, you know everything about weddings, every detail. The problem is nobody wants your shitty wedding advice. Like no one. Other women will ask you advice as a way of ingratiating themselves or perhaps bonding with you. We as women are often taught if we act like we don’t know what’s going on and we need help other people will find us more palatable. So you say to other women, like… “You got married? I’m getting married. I don’t know what’s going on. What color is white? Is my foot in a bear trap? Help me!” And the other woman thinking she’s helping you and doing something right, she’s like, “Oh, okay. You want advice, great. Okay, so for my wedding, what I found helpful…” But the whole time she’s talking, all you’re sitting there thinking is, “Oh, my God, that is a tacky-ass wedding, you’re a dumb hooker.” -The whole time. -Yeah. Because every girl thinks every other girl kind of fucked it up -and you’ll do better. You won’t, and on that note, I’ve come humbly offering some wedding advice to you, Nashville. One thing you must know, the wedding industry is not designed to bring two loving souls together under the State and/or God, it is designed to extract your money from your wallet, pit you against other women and make you feel like garbage fire. -That’s what it’s there for. Okay? There’s a litany of requirements, social, cultural, traditional. All these things, everything’s got a price tag, everything takes up time and I’ll tell you what, I paid for my wedding personally. So you can best believe I took a red Sharpie and went down that list of bullshit and if it didn’t involve me taking off my shoes, drinking tequila or listening to Garth Brooks, we did not fucking do it. Yes. That’s right, Nashville. The theme of my wedding was feminism. No one had a good time. But there’s all these things, all these requirements, all these traditions, these things, and I took a comedian’s microscopic lens to each thing and was like, “Is it weird? We’re not doing it.” So the first thing I refused to do, I would not wear a garter, okay? Okay. Okay. Some of you cheered, some of you were like, “I’m still wearing mine. What’s up? -What the fuck is up, Hollywood?” I’m glad that not everyone cheered for that because it sets up my next point perfectly. Okay? It’s important to me that me and my audience be on the same mental page for the rest of the set. Okay, right now in 2019, more than it was five minutes ago, right now, it’s the best time it’s ever been to be a woman in most states. -It’s the best time. I said it, I meant it. -The best time. Okay? But overall, we are the most heard, the loudest in our message, the most unified. However, with this newfound sense of feminism, I have noticed that there’s this weird splinter-faction of feminists, of women who get angry at other women when they deign to disagree with an opinion and then it’s not enough to agree to disagree. They want you fucking dead. -I am talking drawn and quartered in a Twitter town square. Because you hurt their feelings. So I get up here… As a joke. No harm intended. It’s a funny time, and I get up here and I’m like, “Don’t wear a garter, it’s trashy,” and I get that same blogger in the back of the room, like, “Female comic shamed my wedding-day choices and I don’t have the social wherewithal to confront her in person so I’m just going to hurl these insult turds -from behind a faceless avatar.” -So… So, since we’re all so hurt and gutless all the time, I’m going to stick to my initial notion. You look like a saloon hooker. Okay? -Go get married at a Six Flags. Girls, there’s got to be a middle ground where someone disagrees with you and you get the fuck over it. -Okay? You don’t have to hate her. Don’t have to hold on to it. One woman’s affirmation of her life choices is not the negation of your existence. -Be better than that. Okay? Yeah. We can’t walk around calling ourselves queens. “I’m a queen. She doesn’t like my top!” -Who cares? Move the fuck on. And you know who does this better? Men. They agree to disagree all the time and they’re fine. You see it all the time. Guy’s like, “He’s my best friend. I don’t like his politics and he’s stupid. -He’s a son of a bitch, but… I love him. We didn’t get along at first. We went out back. We had a drink. We fought. We had a little bit of sex and we were good to go. -Good to go!” That’s what we must do, girls. Just move on. You want to wear a garter, wear it. I’m not going to be at your wedding, you wear it with pride. -I want to see… I want to see every one of your wedding pictures, you, garter on, dress hiked up, holding a shotgun, like… -$5,000 reward, sepia tone. Like that’s… Remember sepia tone? What’s a garter? Some of you might be wondering. Perhaps you’re from the future where they’ve eradicated this practice. A garter is a Barbie doll scrunchie… …forged of the finest polyester lace. Comes in one size. Shame. And you, on your wedding day, among the one million things you’re in charge of, girls, are also tasked with taking this fucking NuvaRing… …and hoisting it up your leg. God forbid on the wedding day we give women a break with the body-image issues. And be like, “Oh, what? That goose-choker? That lap-band for a chinchilla? Yeah, you could just… You can just wear that at the ankle, that’s fine. You can just wear that where everything tapers.” “No! You got to get it up. Get it up here.” To this thick-ass traffic jam. Of just ice-cold fat and skin and dinner, -just thick. I live in L.A. They’re like, “You can freeze it off if you don’t like it.” I’m like, “I’ve done North Dakota winters. -It did not go anywhere.” “Female comic shames her own thigh and in doing so makes millions of women question their own thighs. Why can’t you love your thighs?” -Because I am a white woman, okay? -We don’t know. We haven’t figured that out. Women of color for a couple years now have been like, “This is a thigh.” And society’s been like, “That is a thigh. We celebrate it.” White women somehow, we’re still like, “Uh-uh, I’m gonna shave it down. -I’m gonna make it small. Be small. I’m gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin. -Be cage and shin. Snip, snip. You won’t even see it. I’m the crab woman. You won’t even know it. No thighs, can’t see them. Can’t be big. No thighs. If I walk, I’m gonna put my thighs in the background, put my tits in the foreground and walk around like this. From here to here, I am a woman, but from here to here I want to be a ten-year-old Japanese boy. Thin!” And it never looks nice. Your leg has to be the length of your body… …for it to look nice. You look down, you finally get it up there, you’re like, “It looks like I put a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham. It hurts.” And it’s tight. Of course, it’s tight. It’s a garter. It’s meant to hold up clothing. And right now all it’s holding up is that blood flow. Blood, like, trying to get to the artery. -You’re like… Your skin is just… …MoonPieing out on either side. You’re staring down at your corpulent leg -as it pulsates. With stagnant blood. It’s turning a light shade of blue. You’re like, “I’m the night queen. I don’t know. -What is this?” You don’t have time to ponder the deadening of your leg. You don’t have time. You got to get yourself over to the dance floor, sweet tits. That’s right. You gotta get yourself over to the dance floor where you and your new husband are going to perform a weird, -sexual garter-removal dance… …in front of your family! -Your mother is there! You’re sitting there spread-eagle, she’s like, “I’ll get it on tape, I’ll be there for the conception. This is excellent.” Your father is there and he loves you, girls, but he is tapped out. He’s like… “Yeah, fuck her, I don’t know. He’s a good guy and this is good shrimp. It’s good shrimp. It’s a cash bar, but they’re trying.” So you got to get over there for that dance. So you go to the dance floor, -you drag your now purple… …stump over to… -…a single chair. -A single chair that has been ominously placed in the center of the dance floor. You are meant to sit in this chair… …my child. -Sit down. And you’re like, “Sit, okay. I wasn’t planning on enjoying myself, but okay.” Sit in the chair? Well, that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? ‘Cause you’re a bride like me or a bride that chose a dress that was form over function. -Your dress is tight. You’re a bride like me that perhaps chose a dress that was a size, maybe half a size too small, right? ‘Cause you told yourself you were gonna lose the weight for the wedding, but you didn’t lose the weight, did ya? -No. No, in fact, you gained two pounds just trying. -Yeah. So that dress is tight and you are trying to make yourself thin and compact in the moment, right? You got all your carry-on luggage up here. Trying to extend the torso, tuck in the tailbone, -protecting the spine, moving with breath. All the way down, slowly, slowly. You’re like that goat in the cage in that first Jurassic Park like… How does she work that noise into every special? Slowly lowering yourself down, praying to God that you don’t experience the one female-specific sartorial mishap there’s no coming back from. When you’re a woman, there’s a lot that can go wrong. You snap a heel. You have an accident on your period. Your bra strap, whatever. But none is more embarrassing than the horror of going to sit down and having the back of your dress burst open. ‘Cause it couldn’t contain your lady meat. You won’t like me when I’m married. I don’t think the Hulk threw his shit, but… – …this Hulk does. So you finally sit down, right? You go down to the hem of your skirt, it’s time to show off that $2.45 investment, right? You gotta show off that garter. You go to lift up the hem and that’s when you realize you only put on fake tanner to the knee. I’ll be brave. Blinded… No! So you put your little white-orange Dreamsicle leg out there. Right? And you sit there and you wait and I believe what is to come next is ostensibly your first real test as a married couple. But, of course, the onus is on the woman to pass this test because it’s on you, girls, to sit there and remain facially-excited… …and turned on at your new choice in mate, as your new husband emerges from the smoke of the DJ lights. And you’re just sitting there like… “That’s my baby. That’s who I might have a family with.” His tuxedo jacket is off, so you as the bride are treated to this sweat map of South America. And you have to sit there ladylike but also excited, but also demure, but also horny. And sit there while your new husband goes under your dress… This is the most expensive dress you’re probably ever going to wear. …and he’s rooting around under it. Like a ghost schnauzer. You’re like, “That’s my husband.” He now must remove the garter but according to weird wedding tradition he’s not allowed to use his hands. What must he use, Nashville? Teeth! So he gets under there, slides his five-o’clock shadow… …up your five-o’clock shadow. The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir with Bath & Body Works Plumeria. Gets up here around this side hustle. Clamps down on that garter with, let’s hope, wolf-like precision. Slides it down your sweaty fucking ham hock… …to the ground and then he eats it. I don’t know what happens. I’ve never watched the full YouTube video. Okay. So, no garter. And I did not want to wear a veil over my face. It’s okay. Piercing deafening silence. -One sad “whoo” in the back, it’s fine. One girl’s like, “Whoo, I’m still gonna do it.” That’s fine. You’ll get on board eventually. I don’t like the idea that as a… What I want… I don’t like the notion that because I’m a woman and it’s tradition, my vision of a current situation… …let alone an important one… …should ever be obfuscated in the name of tradition, expectation or fashion. Okay, I can’t see. This is an important day and I’m fucking over here like John Cena. “You Can’t See Me.” What is this? Watching the whole thing through gauze? I planned… I planned this part of the wedding. I planned the whole wedding, okay? If you’re a girl, you had a lot to do with it and you don’t get to see it. Homeboy did nothing. And because he’s a boy, he gets an unencumbered 360-view of the entire service. I’m sitting here in a bridal hurt locker. The girl did everything. “Female comic assumes gender-roles.” Fuck, yeah. Only women have a bandwidth for this kind of bullshit. She did everything. You’re the one that for the past year has been clawing at your mother like, “It’s buttercream, not French vanilla, there’s a difference!” You’re the one doing it. Put the veil over the boy, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the details. He loves you. Okay, he bought the ring. He asked you to spend his life with him. It’s enough, put the veil over the cage like a blanket over a parrot. – Night-night. Polly go night-night. And then when it comes for the important part, like, “Do you take this woman?” “Polly does.” -Put it back down. It’s fine. -He doesn’t care. Put a game on in there like, “Bye-bye.” He doesn’t care. No man cares. He loves you. He thinks you’re beautiful, wants to marry you. That’s it. No man cares. You’re sitting there shrouded in mystery. No man’s ever going to be standing there like, “I know you can’t see this, but I’ll tell you what. You were right, -peonies were an excellent filler flower.” And you’re sitting there like… “Describe it to me. -I wish to know. Is my sister here? Does she look jealous? I’m just a humble beekeeper but one day…” Moreover, I think it’s creepy. I think there’s something a little eerie about a bride. If I describe to you a bride independent of the context of a wedding… ♪ Be mine forever ♪ Till death do us part. The pace with which the bride walks is unnerving, right? You don’t tend to see this gait independent of a haunting. However, the bride moving slowly is the least creepy of the options because let me ask you this, Nashville. What’s creepier, okay? A veiled woman walking towards you at this pace? Or this running at you? “What happened to that bride?” “I don’t know. She jumped into that mirror.” I don’t want to cover my face. Two hours in hair and makeup just to be like… “All right, let’s get you covered up. Cover that shit.” I would have worn the veil over my face if it was, like, really important to my mom. Like if that meant everything to her. I would have done it if she begged me. If she was like, “I wore the… I covered my shit and… And your grandma covered her face and your grandpa… We’re a progressive family. …he covered his face.” I would have done it, but I would have had a ‘tude about it. I would’ve put the flap down… …and be like, “You may kiss the bride.” Then he’d lift it, I’d be like, “You know it’s me, motherfucker.” Yeah. You know it’s me, we Ubered here together. I watched you hit “Split Fare.” You know it’s me. Unpopular opinion, actually popular opinion, just unpopular publicly-declared sentiment, getting married is not that much fun. Yeah. You’re not allowed to say that, especially if you’re a woman, God forbid, over 30. “Well, you’re just lucky that the Lord sent you someone… …to put up with your shit. Kissing your dog on the mouth. Stop taking videos.” There is a world where you can admit that something is difficult but also love the byproduct of it. I love my husband, but the wedding part is exhausting. It is a physical and mental and financial just gauntlet. Even down to the last minute, the wedding itself. The whole year is exhausting planning it. It’s fun, you love your mom. But it’s a whole thing. But even just the day of. Let’s talk about the day of. What happened on the day of your wedding, girls, right? You had to prepare for it, like you woke up early. Just want to greet the sun. Got up at like 6:00, like when your dad gets up. Right? What, did you meditate? “I just want to be centered.” Right? You worked out like it matters the day of. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. You’re not going to lose any weight at the buzzer. It’s not going to… It’s never going to happen. What did you do? You did your little workout and then you got your makeup done and your nails and a massage and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber and a hyper… hyperbolic chamber. Amazing. And you got a situation room and a silence cone and a shame corner and a Reiki healing. And you went ghost hunting, you did all this stuff. What did your husband do on your wedding day? I’ll tell you, he woke up like whenever. Went out to eat with his buddies. “Something tasty, doesn’t matter if I’m fat ’cause I’m a funny guy.” Went… Who cares if it’s bloated? Right, then he went and got a haircut… on the day of the wedding! Are you kidding me? What faith you have in this barber. Went out, had a drink, went home, jerked off, took a dump. Who says you can’t lose weight? Right, fellas? Who says you can’t lose weight day of? Yeah. Yeah, probably about 500 grams. He took a nap, he woke up to an alarm labeled “Wedding for you?” He barely made it. The bride, it just doesn’t seem like the bride is having as much fun as everyone else because she is the one that planned it and she wants everything to be perfect. They don’t tell you that when you have a wedding, you have to plan every moment because people, when they get in a group, it’s mob mentality and they don’t think like they normally would. Okay, so you would think logically, like… “We said ‘I do’ in this room and that room’s got food on tables. Should go from A to B, shortest distance. No problem.” People are walking into walls like Sims. You have to shepherd them. You have to coordinate it. Everything you do has to have coordination. People have to be let in. You have to plan for these moments that seem organic. I will give you an example. So, if you’re the couple that wants that moment where after you say “I do” and you run out of the religious part and you get announced into the room, right? If you’re the couple that wants to have the DJ to everyone at the party be like, “For the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon.” Have all your babies, yeah! If you… want that moment, you have to plan for it. Meaning, if you want that reveal, you, after you say “I do,” have to haul ass out of that room, go to a fucking broom closet in a Ramada Inn, sign away your goats, his chickens, stamp it, kiss me. Okay, then you go and you take your couples pictures and while you’re doing that they’re setting up the party room and you have to provide a cocktail hour for your guests. So that’s three parties. The party they’re going to, this party and then the one they had before ’cause they’re gonna get liquored up to listen to “YMCA.” So they’re there and you have to provide that party, a party that you’re paying for that you’re not invited to. My wedding planner was like, “So did you want to do, like, an oyster bar for your guests?” I was like, “Do I get to eat the delicious oysters?” She’s like, “No, you’re going to be in the closet taking pictures. You don’t get to partake.” I’m like, “Then they can eat corn dogs and wait in their cars.” Okay. Tapped out. Tapped out. It just felt like the bride is the last one to have fun. Even if you have a fun ceremony. Some couples like that. Some couples like a quiet, spiritual ceremony with crying and saying I’m sorry. Some people like… a fun service, some people like to dance. Like white people love to come down the aisle to that Bruno Mars song, like… ♪ Hey baby ♪ ♪ I’m gonna marry you ♪ ♪ Marry you… ♪ The bridesmaids and the groomsmen, one who was like a cheer captain in middle school, was like, “We go up, you go down. Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you.” And then you do it and it’s a whole thing, right? So everyone has fun with it. So the first ones that come down… Girls, it does not matter who you marry, every man has the same group of friends. Every man has the same groom-pod, okay? First one to come walking down that aisle… Every man’s got that one friend that’s too big, okay? He’s like 6’9″. His name is Donk. He’s just like… walking on two snapped Achilles and all head injuries… “Donk.” Everyone’s, “Oh, Donk’s doing the choreography, barely.” “Go, Donk!” “I am Donk.” “Put that baby down!” “Donk is hungry.” Then the funny friend. Every man you date will have that one friend that’s funny. He never shuts up, his name is Daniel, and he comes down the aisle… “Yeah!” …and he doesn’t see a congregation, he sees an audience. So he’s going up to your nana like, “Oh, yeah, Nana. Yeah.” Right? And they’re loving it. You’re loving it. He’s like, “Yeah.” And the more they laugh, he’s like, “Uh-oh.” And then he goes off book. He’s like, “Yeah, I do the sprinkler and whatever the hell this is.” And they’re loving… and people are laughing at your wedding, bride’s not even there yet. Everyone’s having a good time. She’s in the back, breathing into a fucking paper bag. And they think Daniel is so funny. Then they turn to me, “Isn’t Daniel funny, Iliza? You’re doing it, bravo. Move your dick more. This is great. Daniel’s so fun… Iliza, isn’t Daniel funny? He should’ve been a comic.” He could’ve been. But something happened senior year at Duke. The girl never woke up but it was wrong place, wrong time. He deferred for a year while his parents put together a defense fund. He didn’t do anything wrong, but it didn’t look very good to apply to other schools so he deferred and took community college credits. His CPA degree wasn’t what he wanted, but he won’t graduate on time. But he did graduate. ♪ Marry you, marry you, marry you ♪ The bridesmaids come down like, “This is a strapless bra. This isn’t fun. I slept with Daniel.” ♪ Marry you, marry you ♪ Now the groom comes down and he’s in sunglasses. “I’m in sunglasses. Isn’t this funny? I’m indoors, what a juxtaposition. I’m in sunglasses, which is an homage to Risky Business, which is a movie about what, Nashville? Hookers!” ♪ Marry you ♪ “Everyone get serious, she’s here.” She was last. She missed out on all the fun. All I want is for brides to have fun in 2020, that’s my campaign. That’s it. No foreign relations change, no tax refund. Nothing like that. No tax reform, just brides having fun. I think I can win. So here’s my idea for brides to have fun. If I tell it to you, will you promise to do it? Okay. Take one part red food coloring, one part corn syrup. Mix it in a bowl, a reusable bowl. Mix it. Stick it in your mouth, back of the chapel. ♪ This is gonna be metal ♪ “You may kiss the bride.” Girls, he lifts your flap, that’s when you… “Help me get back to the mirror! I do.” This is a question for the men in the audience, and keep in mind, boys, it is rhetorical before you yell out your gem of an answer. This is a scripted program. My question for you is why? Why would you want to cover your girl’s face? These guys are like… “We don’t. She wanted to wear the veil. I said, ‘Okay.’ I was enabling her feminism, I don’t… I agree. What? I’m not heckling her. I’m not… We don’t want… I’m not yelling, she asked a question. I feel maligned right now. I don’t wanna cover her face. What? You’re giving me shit. She’s the one… You know what? Get up, I gotta take a piss. Get up. I don’t care what they… I don’t even know who you are. I bought this as a Christmas present for her. Your tickets went on sale a long time ago. Okay. What? You said this was gonna be about peacocks and baby legs and so far, I don’t know.” “Accurate.” When I say her face, gentlemen, is a big part of the reason that you’re with her… “What about the tits?” For sure. For sure. Okay. In fact, that should be a big part of the veil-lifting ceremony. But the girl gets to do it. If she wants. “You may kiss the bride.” He lifts the flap and then the girl goes, “Check it out.” It’s a great idea. Think… Let me pitch you on this. Think of the money to be made on a bridal tit-flap. Right? Think of how we could market it. Think of how we could pitch it like, “Hey, sharks.” Now, when I say her face and her body, gentlemen, are big parts of the reason you’re with her, that’s not a knock against men. That’s never my MO. I think sometimes people hear that a woman is speaking. They’re like, “Oh, she must hate men.” That’s bullshit, okay? You can be pro-woman without being anti-man. We have to adjust that, okay? My motivation has never been to shit on men. My motivation is to shit on everyone and together we rise. Yes! Like a shit phoenix. Men make up 50% of my audience. I love men. I married one and I slept with a bunch of hot ones right before, so… Right before. When I say her face and her body are big parts of the reasons you’re with her that’s commentary, not on superficiality, that’s commentary on the way men’s brains are wired, a subject I find endlessly fascinating and I write a lot of material about it. Okay? Men are visual creatures, I’ve stated this before. They’re visual creatures, which means, girls, they have to be physically attracted to you for at least a second to get engaged and then want to get to know, like, your amazing personality. That’s the way it goes. It doesn’t have to be the whole thing, it could be a hair. Just a whisker. Just a nub. They’re like, “Hey, what’s that?” It goes looks… looks, hook him, and then your heart of gold reels him in. That’s what it is. It does not go the other way. No man’s ever been like, “I want to set you up with a girl.” And that guy’s been, “All right, tell me about her remarkable charity work first.” No. They’re attracted to you. And then they move in. Okay? He saw you and then the rest of it was yours, okay? He saw you at work, at a bar, on an app, through your window for the last six months. He saw you… approached you, fingers crossed, like, “Please don’t be a lunatic.” You turned around, you’re like, “This is my shoulder iguana and I’m a Taurus. It means a lot to me. Let’s go.” He’s like, “Okay. That’s fine, she seems warm.” You want a man that is wired that way for as annoying as it can be. Like, “Men are pigs.” You want a man that is visually-wired because that’s the correct way to be wired, okay? “I don’t care about her looks.” Yeah, ’cause she’s hot. So, nice try. You don’t want a man that’s wired the other way. A man would have to be so broken by society to be like, “I don’t care what she looks like, just don’t let her spit in my food.” You want a man… And rather than get angry about the way that they’re naturally wired, all while crying like, “Accept me for who I am, but you better change who you are, boys.” Rather than get angry at that, let’s use this information, rather than rage against the patriarchy. Let’s use the information we have to work within the confines of the structure… as we have for millennia. And gather information, okay? If he has to be attracted to you in order to want to get to know you, that means he must be attracted to you in order to stay with you. That means if he’s with you, he thinks you’re beautiful and he does not see all the ugliness that you think you see. Okay? Yes. He’s incapable. All the problems society says are wrong with you, he hasn’t been brainwashed into thinking that, okay? So when you were getting ready like I was for the show and you’re like, “I’m so fat. They won’t even let me in the building and asked me to resurface this whole… Cover it up.” He doesn’t see any of it. He thinks you’re beautiful. Give him a break. Okay? If he loves you, if this is a first date, I don’t fucking know what’s gonna happen. But men are very visual, women are not. We are cerebral. We are cerebral creatures, which means we don’t have to be attracted to you to fall in love with you. We’re cerebral creatures, which means we can fall in love with you… despite your stupid fucking face! Girls, if you’re on a date, don’t cheer too loud. Every woman in this room has at some point gone out with a man less attractive than she simply because… “He makes me laugh.” It’s true. Every woman, at some point in her life, has gone out, dated, loved an absolute fucking hobgoblin… simply because like, “He’s real good with business” or some shit, right? And there’s this weird allowance we get as women where you are allowed to, like in public, say that the man you love and are with is not attractive. “But he’s real, real sweet.” Like, in front of his face. Like, at a dinner party. You’re allowed to be like, “Sean? I don’t know. He’s no Brad Pitt.” And Sean’s the first motherfucker to be like, “Yeah, I am not an attractive man. But I own a boat and I’m fucking her, so… Yeah!” It’s not okay. No one loves to be called ugly, but when you call a guy ugly, they’re very honest about it because a man knows his worth does not hinge on the way he looks, nor does it hinge on the way people perceive his looks. When you’re a girl, that is an inextricable part of your experience on this planet and will be held against you no matter what you look like. Obviously it’s better to be better-looking, but… when you’re attractive at all, you are up for the slings and arrows of judgment from men, women. “She’s a skank.” “She must not be smart.” “I bet she steals boyfriends.” “She’s probably an idiot.” If you’re ugly, it’s like, “I bet she gets worse in the moonlight.” You’re always… Jobs, boyfriends, perception, your rise in our society, hinges on your looks and other people’s take on the way that you look. For men, not so much because they can still be charismatic and attractive to women, even if they’re hideous. You can have bad hair and date a supermodel. You can be structurally-fucked and still run the Free World. Like, you can do these things. It’s interesting because we all wanna be treated equally, we all wanna be treated the same but I don’t think that’s gonna happen for a very long time because of the un-brainwashing we have to do with the way we treat and perceive women based on their looks. It affects everything, even if you’re trying to be kind, it still affects it. I will give you an example in real time. If I had a man here and he was heckling me the whole show, ruining the show and just being an idiot, I could snap and I could say something hacky like, “Well, you’re bald and you’re ugly and fat and I bet you got a small dick,” right? And most of you laugh, one person checked their phone. No one’s anger… Even the one in the back was like… “I got nothing to tweet. Fair play.” If I had a woman here who was yelling at me, being rude, interrupting your show, interrupting my night at work… This is a job, despite the fact that I have purple lipstick on. Okay? And a fun ponytail. If she was doing that and acting like an asshole and I snapped and I was like, “Well, you’re a fat, ugly bitch…” She’s not even real. And you’re like… “Don’t shame her!” A woman… As women, we are forced to be practical. We are forced to be honest about things and our expectations and we are honest. A girl, we can be attracted to ugly things. You hear girls all the time like, “My husband’s got this weird tooth in the back of his throat, but I love it. I like to lick on it. I love it. He’s so gross, sometimes he sheds all his body hair. I eat that hair. I love it so much. I make a pillow, I sleep on it. I love it. He’s ugly, I’m into it.” You will never hear a guy be honest about his girlfriend being ugly. ‘Cause he doesn’t see it. You’ll never hear, “Oh, what a blithe existence!” You’ll never hear a man admit like, “My girlfriend… Sorry, I was just thinking about her smile. It’s fucked up, but… …her punch lines are on fire.” Now you clap, but I noticed that your laughter spiked and then immediately declined… because you’re still thinking about this woman. So no veil. And I did not want a bachelorette party out at a bar for a very specific reason, okay? I work at night, so I have seen first-hand the havoc that can be wreaked by an out-of-control bachelorette party. Okay? It sounds like that. I have been there when a zombie horde comes over the ridge, fucking kicks in a window and makes their nests, like in my show. I’ve been there… when they come in, one’s missing a fucking femur. And knowing how out-of-control they can get, I couldn’t, in good conscience, be that for a fellow night worker. I couldn’t do that to someone else who works at night, okay? Those of us, yes, who work at night! Those of us who work at night. DJs, sound mixers, security, bartenders, waitresses. Yes! Yes, nighttime scientists, Nashville. Yes, those of us… who make our wages under the cloak of the moon. I have no friends. Those of us… who work at night know first-hand what it’s like to have to absorb a crazy bachelorette party. Okay? You don’t see a bachelorette party coming, you fucking hear it. And if you’re hearing it… it’s too late. They’re already here. So you can imagine how unnerving it is for me as a performer. I’m sitting here. I can see the first couple rows, but the rest is pitch-black. You can imagine how terrifying that is for me, just in the middle of a set in a sea of strangers and darkness like, “And another thing about raccoons…” “Stacy’s getting married!” I don’t know where it’s coming from. Get back. Get back. Don’t shoot till you see the whites of their wines. I want you to know something about bachelorette parties. They are well-versed in the art of basic tactical warfare. Okay? Bachelorette party knows that they have you trapped, timid, trepidatious. The three Ts of combat. They got you right there. And they know that you don’t know where they’re coming from and they know that you are expecting all of them to come running in at once. But a good bachelorette party, a good bachelorette army knows you don’t send in all of your troops at once. A well-led bachelorette party understands you must send your troops in in waves so as to exhaust the bar… and deplete it of its resources. If you are at a bar and you see a bunch of girls come running in, do not be foolish. That is not the bride. That is not even the family. That is her infantry. These are her bannermen. They come running in first to let the bar know like… “Stacy’s getting married!” They kick some girls out of a booth. “This is our territory now. Get out of here!” They set a waitress on fire. Isn’t this amazing? They put down a debit card for the first round. Get fresh with the table. These women are not there for a good time or a long time. Okay? These women are there for one reason. To establish and maintain a region. That’s why they’re there. And they fought valiantly and the battlefield has been set. Now the bar knows that it’s Stacy’s bachelorette party and what to expect. The next one to come in is perhaps the most important one of the party, or so she thinks. This is your General, otherwise known as your maid of honor, Amanda! I am Stacy’s maid of honor. Many of you know me from the Evite comment section where I’ve chatted with you briefly. XOXO. I am Stacy’s best friend since the third grade. A fact I shall lord over many of you when I feel left out of a conversation. She is my best friend. We’ve been to Cancún upwards of five times. I’ve sat in the hotel room many a night while she’s been out, making out with hot dudes and promises to tell me about it later. I am the best friend. She is the one to be married, but in many ways, I feel like tonight is about me. I have set up all of this. I have made all the reservations. I am the one you will follow and before we ride into battle, I need each of you to Venmo me $50. Will you ride with me? It was $40, but Megan’s not feeling well and she just canceled. Before the festivities begin, I wish to open with a quote from General Patton. To go bravely… Morgan. Morgan, Morgan, Morgan. Drink some fucking water, I’m not joking. Heyah! The bartender’s like, “You can’t have a horse in here.” Very well, then. If I give you my phone, will you charge it behind the bar? No, okay. Heyah! The time has come. She is about to arrive. They all begin to scream. “She’s getting married.” We know. Bachelorette partygoers of the world, we know! Quit screaming, you fucking banshee. We know she’s getting married, we can tell, because she’s covered in dicks. Why? What is this West African shaming ritual? What is that? Why are we doing that? Why are we, every night in America, drenching our women in teeny-weeny Party City peeny? I know what your friends will say. “It’s ’cause we love her. We love her so much. She’s amazing.” Dicks! Dicks! Wear these dicks! Be a dick! Eat a dick! My issue… …is not the ritualistic shrouding of women in tiny, plastic commemorative penii. My issue is merely the lack of reciprocity at a bachelor party. I’ve never seen a bachelor party like, “Joey’s getting married, everybody put on your snootch-hat.” “It’s so tight, bro. Isn’t it crazy how no matter how many times you wear them, they never lose their elasticity… .although we tell women that, to shame them out of exploring their sexuality?” Of all the things I did not want to do for my wedding, the one thing we ended up doing was they had a bachelorette party at a bar for me. Obviously, I’m not gonna have a party at a library. So… we had this bachelorette party at a bar and we went. And I had about four or five women with me and… I know I should have been just like going crazy and getting drunk and having a crazy time but I’m a sentimental person and I’m a thinker and I was looking at these girls, these women that some of whom I was related to, the rest of whom I’ve known my entire life. I’ve seen relationships come and go and jobs and heartbreak and death and all of the landmarks and all the things that make us human and I was with these girls and I realized that we had all been single, we had all been on a journey together, and for me that part of my journey with them stopped that night. I can still go to bars, if my husband says it’s okay. But like we’ve been going out for like a decade together, like looking for a good time, looking for a guy. And like, that was it for me. And I thought that… I get goosebumps thinking about it because like that chapter of my life was closed that night and I think that there’s something very poetic about the notion that your bachelorette party, you are in effect picking up the ashen, lifeless body of your singlehood… and laying it to rest where it was born. In a shitty bar. And it’s not that I would never be at another bar again, but I would never be at another bar unmarried. I mean, I don’t know– but I would never be… I would never be… at that time, like, that was it for me. And I looked around the room and there was a group of girls, same amount as us, in their 20s. And they were over there. They looked amazing and they were over there and I was just staring at them. And they’re like, “Who’s that old lady staring at us?” Because they were us and I remember so fondly being that age and going out and all the trappings of it. I know so much about it, I wrote four fucking Netflix specials about it. And that was over. And I was reflecting on those years versus these years as you get older. In your 20s, you should just know, you will never be as close to other people, let alone other women, as you are in your 20s. You will have good friends. You will have book clubs. You will have all this stuff as you get older, but in your 20s, you’ve just come out of high school or college. You’re very close to the realms of academia and you are hive-minded. So you are in each other’s shit, you know everything. “I know who texted… He’s my boyfriend, I know who you are, who you like. I like you, you’re my best friend. Matching dove tattoos. Make ’em fuck. Dove tattoos. Right there. You’re my best friend. I love you so much.” And boys ask you dumb questions that you tolerate ’cause you don’t know any better. When you’re in your 20s, boys will ask, “How many guys you slept with?” Nobody asks you that in your 30s because the answer is gross. She’s in the back. “I’ve slept with so many dudes. I dunno. I feel empowered.” But in your 20s, you’re right there and you’re in that mentality, you’re so intertwined and you make packs like, “We’re going out together. I don’t care if you meet a boy. We’re going home together. You’re my best friend. Hold my hand. We’re going out together. Tie your hand to mine. My best friend. I’m a Sagittarius, you’re a Pisces. How’s it work? Dunno, it just does. Text me when you’re home. That’s right, we’re home, we live together. Roll over. You’re my best friend. You’re right there.” People shit on women for some reason being 30. I understand there’s the whole egg issue, but society is not kind. They’re not kind to women as they get older. Men, shitty men, not the good ones that are here, don’t like it as women age. And I gotta believe it’s less about the fact that you’re older and it’s more about the fact that when you’re older you don’t put up with bullshit and they don’t like that. They don’t like it. Smart guys don’t have any bullshit. I was at a bar the other night, some guy walked up, he goes, “Hey.” I was like, “I don’t buy it.” And I just walked away. But moreover, you’re close and you’re a cluster of girls and you go out together and no matter what plans you make, there’s always that one girlfriend that breaks away from the pack. You’re like, “We’re here for safety.” She’s like, “I’m just gonna talk to him.” Some fucking idiot with the dumbest line, but you’re in your 20s, so you’ll listen to it ’cause you haven’t lived a life yet. “I’m just gonna talk to him.” He’s like, “Yeah, come on. I’ll tell you about my company, Herbalife, let’s go. I run…” And she’s not making your job easier. You’re also out to meet a guy, to have fun, to have a life, and you’re like, “Get back here, Cassandra. No.” And you have to endure this fucking piece of shit being like, “Why are you being such bitches?” But you wanna protect your girlfriend. You’re like, “Get back here, she’s not awake. Come here. Come here.” We will do anything. When you’re younger, we will form a phalanx around a fallen girl like… Sorry. That noise right there is the anti-mating call of 20-something girls everywhere. “Sorry.” That’s right, girls, before there was RuPaul’s Drag Race… …”bye”, there was “sorry.” It’s us protecting a girl who can’t protect ourselves. Now, I wish I could tell you that that action is solely altruistic and when we do it, it’s just for the benefit of that girl. Unfortunately, oftentimes, the subtext of, “You can’t have her” is “because you didn’t want me.” But that’s a whole other lecture… and special. In closing, girls, enjoy the sovereignty of the protection of other women when you’re in your 20s ’cause guess what, chickens? After 30, it’s not that we don’t love you, haven’t spent a lifetime with you, it’s that we’re sick and tired of your bullshit, Jamie! We’re tired of following you around, looking for you at bars, when we should be out doing our own thing. We’re exhausted, our patience has run thin, so is this delicate under-eye skin I’m finding out. We’re tired. After 30, we are not your keepers anymore. After 30, we’re gonna be like… “Go with him! We want to see what happens.”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Mike Birbiglia: The New One (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-birbiglia-the-new-one-transcript/

♪ Hey! I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was lonely Till I saw your face ♪ ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was broken Till I wanted to change ♪ ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was broken Till I wanted to change ♪ Thanks. Thank you! Thank you so much. I’m gonna put this on. You gu… you guys can turn off your things. And, uh… and we can start this up. Thanks for, uh… thanks for… thanks for making it here, to this big, beautiful theater. I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell you a story tonight. But first, I want to tell you about my couch. I love my couch. It’s first thing I ever dropped money on in my life. In your twenties, you just sort of get a couch… on the street. Like, it’s garbage. And then, you bring it home to your six roommates. And they’re like, “Nice!” And then, you reach an age… For me, I was… I was 25. I was living in Astoria, Queens, and I was just like, “I’m a goddamn man. I’m gonna buy a goddamn couch.” And I went to a department store and I was like, “Wait. How much is it? A thousand dollars? Is there gonna be a sale? This is the sale? Do you think you might go out of business at some point? You are going out of business?” I thought about this a lot. I think the reason a couch is so expensive is that it’s a deceptively sophisticated piece of technology. It’s a… It’s a bed… that hugs you. Right? It’s like, “Do you want to watch TV? Do you want to eat pizza? You sure do like eating! But I like that about you.” And beds are comfy. But they know it. They’re like, “I’d like to be called a ‘king.’ I’m gonna need a box spring.” I’m like, “For what?” They’re like, “I don’t touch the floor.” “Get your hands off that tag. I’d like this room named after me.” Couches are humble. They’re like, “This is about you.” “Do you want to take a nap? Be my guest. Do you want to have sex with my arm?” I’ll think about it. I feel terrible. How… I’m gonna pause for a moment… and point out that you seem younger than some of the other audience members. Is this your mom? Yes. How… I know sometimes it’s a rude question. How old are you? Eleven. Eleven! Before we proceed… I want you to know that I am not doing anything wrong. You… you just have bad parents. I, uh… No. They’re wonderful parents, but there may be some things they need to explain later. Or in seven years. Um… -But I’m thrilled you’re here. I, uh… My wife and I got married almost exactly ten years ago, here in New York City. Actually, at City Hall, which is about 56 blocks that way. And, uh, it’s a great place to get married. If you have a chance, very convenient, lots of subway lines. We took the subway home. We took selfies on the subway. We ate pizza and hamburgers at this place in our neighborhood at the time, called Big Nicks, and then we took a nap… on our couch. We’ve spent thousands of hours together… on this couch. We’ve watched classic films on the couch. We’ve eaten 20 birthday cakes on the couch. We’ve laughed hysterically on the couch. We’ve cried in each other’s arms when we realized we were gonna have to put our cat, Ivan, to sleep on the couch. It’s soft, yet firm. Filthy, yet spotless. Colorful, yet no one can agree on what color it is. I think it’s green. My wife thinks it’s gray. I looked it up… Chocolate. Which isn’t a color… But it’s fitting, ’cause there’s chocolate in it. I love being home on my couch, but I travel for my job. I do this in, sometimes, a hundred cities in a year, which is more cities than there are. Some of them are just an Applebee’s with a dream. And… And I-I love the shows, but the travel can be rigorous. Often, when I return home, I’m entirely empty. Just bones, and garbage, and Diet Coke, all strung together by those plastic ringlets that bind sodas and strangle ducks, and I collapse on the couch, and I say to my wife, I say, “Clo…” Her name’s Jen. “Clo… leave me by the side of the road. But she doesn’t. She revives me. Jen has a soft, sweet voice. It has a thread count of 600. It always seems like she’s telling you a secret, like, “I’m gonna make tea.” I’m like, “I won’t tell anyone.” So, we’ll lie on the couch, and she’ll order me a chicken kabob platter and scratch my back, and we’ll snuggle with our cat Mazzy and watch a documentary about murder. And that’s what love is. And it all takes place… on the couch. In October of 2012, I’m doing a show in Boston, and I’m staying with my brother Joe. My brother Joe used to be so cool. And then he had two kids. And now he’s a loser. No, he’s not a loser. I will say, like, it’s just less fun to visit his house. Like, I’m trudging through living room and there’s crap all over the floor. I’m trying to eat breakfast at the kitchen table and I realize there’s one of those sticky yogurt pouch containers underneath me, and the table’s filled with wet Cheerios, and sippy cups, and Aquaphor. And Joe’s trying to show me this video of his son, but his son is sitting right there, and I’m like, “I got Henry live! I don’t need Henry on tape.” And the video itself… underwhelming. You know, like… “This is a 12-minute video of Henry picking apples.” I’m like, “Nobody wants to see that.” There’s so much great content out there. I mean, I… I was on YouTube, I saw a 90-second video of a cat giving another cat a massage. Don’t waste my time… with Henry picking apples. And as I’m watching this, actual Henry starts whacking me in the eye with this foam bat, and I’m like, “What game is this?” And my… My brother does nothing. He’s like a world wrestling referee, like, “I don’t know. He’s not supposed to do that.” I don’t know what to do. I hide in the bathroom and I’m trying to pee, but they have the child-proof circle inside the circle, inside the circle, like a carnival peeing game that I’m losing badly. And then Henry pushes in the door. Now I’m peeing into the wall… which has pee on it already. And then… I lock the door. I’m standing in Joe’s bathroom for 15 minutes, doing no activity other than avoiding his family. And I pull out my phone. I’m looking up things going on in town that night. I walk out, I go, “Joe, we should see this band at the Paradise.” He says, “I can’t go to a concert, Mike! I have kids!” I said, “Sorry.” And he says, “Don’t apologize. It’s the most joy I’ve ever experienced.” Congratulations on your ambiguous tone. And so… So we don’t go out. We stay home and watch these Baby Einstein videos, which have yielded no geniuses to my knowledge. There was… There’s nothing about the theory of relativity in the one I saw. It was a pig playing a xylophone, and then a dog barks, and a lady’s voice goes, “Pillow!” -And then… my nephew spits yogurt on his shirt, and my brother’s like, “He’s a genius.” And I’m like, “I’m not seeing it, but…” I fall asleep around 7:30 p.m., because being around children makes me want to be unconscious at all times. And then… I’m wide awake around 4:15 a.m. with this fierce cold from sleeping in this Petri-dish house, and this… ringing foam-bat headache, and I hobble onto a 6:30 a.m. flight, and, sure enough, there’s a baby across the aisle, screaming at the top of his lungs. And in that moment… I can’t defend this, but in that moment, I remember thinking, “That baby doesn’t need to be anywhere!” You know what I mean by that? I can’t even begin to defend it. It’s just how I felt. I was like, “It doesn’t know it lives in Boston! It doesn’t know what New York City is! I’m wearing noise-canceling headphones, which apparently are not enough. You need baby-canceling headphones, which are condoms, I guess. But I… Look, I think we’ve got to get babies off planes. I feel like we got rid of smoking in the ’80s, we can get rid of babies now, or bring back smoking, get these babies some cigarettes, ’cause they’re… They’re so stressed out. And so, I land… I land at JFK, I take a cab to our apartment, I collapse on our beloved couch, and it hugs me. Jen gets me some mint tea and some hot-and-sour soup, and I say, “Clo… people with kids… are miserable.” And look, maybe I have a low tolerance for children, ’cause… I’ve lost a lot of great friends to kids. Because it really is like a disease in some ways, but it’s worse than a disease, ’cause they want you to have it, too. They’re like, “You should have kids, too.” “I’m watching you do it and I’m thinking I’m gonna not do it.” They’re like zombies. Like, “You should eat brains.” “I’m watching you eat brains and it seems like it ruined your life.” And the way you kill zombies– You probably know this from the movies, right? Is you shoot ’em… in the head… with a shotgun. Or… you chop off their heads with a machete or a samurai sword, which is also the way you kill anyone. So I’m talking about this with Jen, and she laughs, and I laugh, and we laugh… as one. And then she says, “But if we had a baby, I think it would be different.” And I was like… You got bit! I tried to remain calm. I said, “Clo, I was very clear… when we got married that I never wanted to have a kid,” which, by the way, gets you nothing. Being very clear… is apparently useless, because she said I was clear. I didn’t want to have a baby at the time, but that I might change. And I said, “I was clear… I would never change.” She said, “If you don’t want to have a baby, maybe I’ll have one on my own, and we can stay married.” And I said, “Oh, that’ll be a good look.” Just you, and me, and this kid that’s a cross between you and some grad student jacking his way through SUNY Purchase. I mean, you can’t… You can’t have a kid on the side, like… “We keep him in the shed!” I mean, people do it. I’ve seen the documentaries. It’s just… those aren’t my role models. And then people will be like, “You guys have kids?” I gotta be like, “She does.” She says a baby wouldn’t have to change the way we live our lives. I said, “Did you get… less smart? Because you used to be so smart, and what you’re saying currently, it… is factually incorrect.” By the way, I’ve never wanted to have a kid for seven specific reasons. Number one, I’ve never felt like there should be more of me in the world. Don’t get me wrong. I think one is funny. You know? One… Ha-ha! Good one! You know what I mean? Like… “Let’s get tickets.” But… But I believe in survival of the fittest, and this is not the fittest. Like I… I have the body of someone who’s just about to start P90X. And then, doesn’t. And… And I have a long medical history. I had a malignant tumor in my bladder when I was 19. I was very lucky. Uh, they took it out. Uh, it hasn’t come back, but every year I go for what’s called a cystoscopy, where they take a rod about this long, with the width of a Twizzler and a camera on the end, and they stick it through your urethra to look at– I know! While you’re awake. I should say while other people are awake. I get knocked out for it. But I didn’t… I didn’t the first time. When I was 20… my urologist, Dr. Kaplan, stuck me in the chair with the leg stirrups, and he put on a local anesthetic and some jelly, which was quite cold. And the moment… The moment he made contact, I go… And he said, “Relax your butt.” And I said, “You relax your butt!” Which… By the way, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to convince someone to relax their butt… one thing I would suggest not saying… is, “Relax your butt.” I feel like it has almost a reversing quality. I… Look, if that’s your end game, maybe throw a curveball like, “Relax your ears!” You’d be like, “Oh, my butt feels pretty loose!” And then, it just… Then it just slides right in there, which is all to say… I get knocked out for this every year. Last year was particularly eventful, ’cause I went for my physical, and I was nearing 40, so they asked to do the prostate exam, which you probably know, is a finger in the butt and one in your mouth if you’re close to the physician. And I… I think that’s what it is. I couldn’t… I couldn’t handle it. Like… He went for it, and I was like… “Oh! No, thank you!” And so… So, when I went for my cystoscopy, I said to Dr. Kaplan, I go, “Hey… while I’m under… um, do you mind… also… sticking your finger… in my butt?” Dr. Kaplan goes, “Yeah, I can do that.” And I thought, like, I might be a medical genius. Like, I never… I never went to school for this, I barely finished Our Bodies, Ourselves, and I just… invented the Urology two-for, which if it catches on, should be renamed the “Birbiglia Bonus.” And so… So, I had bladder cancer. I have a life-threatening sleepwalking disorder, which is very extreme. I mean, 13 years ago, I jumped in my sleep through a second-story window of a La Quinta Inn. Yeah. When I say “through,” I mean “through the glass.” The glass was double-paned. I ended up with 33 stitches in my legs. The glass was a centimeter from my femoral artery. Had it struck there, I could have just bled out on the front lawn and died. I was diagnosed with a very rare thing. It’s called REM Behavior Disorder. So when I go to bed at night, I take medication and I sleep in a sleeping bag… up to my neck. And I wear mittens… so I can’t open the sleeping bag. And that’s my life! So… Yeah, there are details in my life that are both setups and punchlines. And… I make a lot of jokes about it, but it’s a very serious thing. There are people who have what I have, who, in rare instances, have been known, to physically harm the person they’re in bed with while remaining asleep. Uh, there was a news story a few months ago, which people were tweeting at me, which, by the way… Don’t do that. Where… A guy goes camping with his wife. He has a dream there’s a wild animal in the tent, and he’s punching and kicking, and he wakes up. It’s not an animal, it’s his wife. And she’s dead. I know. So I don’t think that’s a great quality in a dad. So… So I had bladder cancer, I have a life-threatening sleepwalking disorder. My health is not trending upward. Last year, I went for my physical. My doctor took blood and he called me. He said, “You have Lyme disease… and…” “And?” “…diabetes.” I was like, “One at the time. Everybody’s gonna get a chance.” It was like… It was like going to a parent-teacher conference, and they’re like, “Your son’s getting D’s, and he’s been molested by the gym teacher. We’re gonna need separate meetings. I couldn’t believe it. Thirty-nine years old, diagnosed with type-2 diabetes. He said, “Is there anything in your diet that might be spiking your blood sugar?” I said, “Sometimes, I eat pizza until I’m unconscious.” He said, “I think that might be it.” So I had Lyme disease, diabetes, I’m generally devoid of joy. I really am. I try. Like, I was listening to this TED Talk about how to find joy in your life. And the host said, “One thing everyone enjoys… is confetti.” And I thought, “Oh, no! I hate confetti.” To me, confetti is just garbage that we throw into the air. So I had cancer, life-threatening sleeping disorder, Lyme disease, diabetes, I dislike joy. I’m not exactly handing off A-plus genes here. Number two… I love my marriage, and I feel… I really do, I feel so lucky to have found my wife. And I don’t fall for these clichés at weddings, where they’ll say, like, “Two becomes one.” But I do feel, if you’re lucky, in a relationship, there are moments… And I mean… moments. Like, this is a moment. That was a moment. There are moments… where you feel like your souls are colliding in a way that two souls have never collided in the history of humankind. And you think, “How did I get this lucky?” My wife and I hate going to parties, but we love driving away from parties. A few years ago, we went to our friend Katie’s birthday, and this lady got up and gave a speech, which isn’t a thing. -And… that’s why I remember it so well. She said, “Last year, Katie and I went scuba diving, and her oxygen tank got stuck on the rocks, and I wriggled it free, and I may have saved her life. I saved your best friend’s life.” Jen and I lock eyes from across the room, and we project the sentence, “We’re gonna talk about this for years.” And we have. So, here’s… Okay, here’s how it comes up. Whenever Jen and I do something sweet for one another, like if she zips me up in my sleeping bag before bed, what she will do, and she’ll say, “It’s time to put you in your pod!” And I’ll say, “Thanks.” And she’ll say, “I saved your best friend’s life.” It’s never not funny. It literally has never not been funny. And I don’t want to give that up. I don’t want that to change. I don’t want a third person showing up like, “What about me?” I’m like, “We don’t even know you!” Number three. I don’t know anything and I’m not ready to teach the children. I mean, I’ve read hundreds of books. I’ve retained very little. In third grade, they taught us photosynthesis, and I thought, “This is not gonna stick.” And it hasn’t. I’m not 100% sure why it rains. I’m not sure you are either. I don’t know anything for certain. I think it’s entirely possible consciousness is a hallucination. How do I explain that to a kid? “See that juice box? Don’t be so sure.” I can’t explain existence. I was raised Catholic, but I didn’t really believe in God. I just believed in my mom. And my mom believed in God. It was like I was in this weird three-way with God, where I’m like, “It’s okay if He’s here while you’re here, but and I’m not gonna do anything with just me and Him.” To be clear, I’ve never had sex with my mom. Or God, or had a three-way. So it’s a true metaphor. Number four, I have a cat. Number five, I… I have a job. That’s what we’re doing here. It took me a long time to figure out anything I was good at. I wasn’t good at video games, or archery, or whatever the hell kids do. And then, I figured this out. I don’t want to give that up. My brother’s like, “Mike, you can have a kid and a career.” And I said, “Yeah, Joe, but it’ll be worse.” If we’re being honest with ourselves… kids hold us back. My best example of this is the history of women. Stay with me. Uh… I feel like women are smarter than men, their brains are more sophisticated, and they make 21 cents less on a dollar. I think women are smarter from birth. You ever talk to a two-year-old girl? Two-year-old girls are like, “Would you like to have a tea party? A two-year old boy is like, “No!” And it doesn’t get better. I mean… Marginally better. If I were a woman, I’d be furious at all times. I’d be like, “These morons are in charge of anything? How did this happen?” The answer is “children.” Which brings me to number six: I don’t think there should be children anymore. Nothing drastic. I think the current children can see through their term. I just think maybe we cut it off there, because… Look, we were given the Earth and we failed. At a certain point we got to call it, right? I mean, I… And I live here with you guys in this supposedly liberal city. If we’re honest, we barely recycle. I mean, come on. It’s like there’s the garbage, and then the blue bin, which is basically like, “Is this anything? Like… Here are some batteries stuffed in an ink cartridge, could you turn that into something else?” And then… And then we just throw it on trucks and ship it to Pennsylvania, which is fine, till New York sinks into the ocean, and we all have to move to Pennsylvania, like… “I’ll sleep in the almond milk jug, and you can sleep in the packing peanuts. Someday we’ll move to Blu-ray Mountain.” I mean… In Germany… In Germany, they recycle 45 percent of their garbage. Thirty-eight percent of their garbage, they incinerate. Granted, their history of incineration, not great, and… Obviously sensitive, I get it. Germans are always like, “We’re not Nazis.” I’m like, “Yeah, but you know some.” I mean, I don’t… I don’t know any. How many do you know? Some? I think that’s enough to exaggerate for humor. Which brings me to number seven. People aren’t great. Not just Nazis. I mean, people in general are not great. And… And look, you guys seem fine. And the conventional wisdom is that people are generally good. But are they? I’m not sure. Like, I think women are okay. I think men are on thin ice. I mean, historically, right, if you zoom out a little. Currently, if you zoom back in, and then… And then, personally, think about the men you know, think about the men you’ve met in your life. When I do that, I think, like, two or three are horrible. Really, unspeakable. Just a few, two or three. Most are decent. I think that’s sort of the ceiling for men. I think… I think “good” is aspirational. I think “great” is a fantasy. If you’re with someone who’s great, get out of there. The men we used to think were great were priests, politicians, and gymnastics doctors. It hasn’t… It hasn’t ended well for “great.” And look… I think sometimes it’s hard to tell. When I was 23, I was in Amsterdam with a friend of a friend, which is a cautionary type of person. A friend of a friend is someone you murder people with, or… buy steak knives from. And we’re walking… through the Red Light District. This is how naive I was at 23. I didn’t know what that meant. If you don’t know, it’s a neighborhood in Amsterdam that has literally hundreds of prostitutes in windows, illuminated by these red lights. And I’m walking with my friend of a friend, I’m thinking these are bars or strip clubs, and I say to my friend of a friend, like, “Should… should we go in one?” He says, “Yeah, but we gotta choose carefully.” I said, “How come?” He said, “It’s expensive.” I said, “How expensive?” He said, “It’s about $200.” I said, “$200… to go into a strip club? He says, “No… They’re prostitutes.” I said… “We gotta choose carefully.” I wanna be very clear. I don’t want to tell you… this story. It’s the only story I’ll tell you tonight I genuinely do not want to tell you, but I feel like it’s essential to the larger story I’m telling. I chose someone who didn’t have a long line. There was something about the line that made it too real. Like, if I were waiting in line, I could imagine thinking, “The line for this prostitute is outrageous!” And I… I chose someone who sort of looked like me. She was a cross between Matt Damon and Bill O’Reilly. And… She walks me up these rickety steps into this room that’s brightly lit and spare. There’s only a bed in the shape of a gurney. She says, “Take off all your clothes and sit on the bed,” and I did that. And my body… was not excited. Which is, of course, a euphemism… for my penis. And I… I thought that would be it. Like, she called it, like an umpire. Like, “Rain delay.” But-but that’s not… That’s not what happened. What happened was that she took a condom and she put it on the thing. Which I didn’t know was physically possible. I grew up in Massachusetts, and we had health class in seventh grade, and we put a condom on a banana, but never on a water balloon. And… So… So she puts the thing on the thing, and then… starts fellating the thing. And then, if I were to guess, I’d say about 40 seconds later, I just… And then, she said, “I guess you’re done.” And I said to her… and I’ll never forget this. I said, “Can’t we just hang out?” I’m telling you this long, embarrassing story to make the point… that I consider myself… decent. So I explain all this to my wife. Because it’s part of my larger point. I said, “Clo… Why would you want to bring a child into this world with me? I’m a walking pre-existing condition, the Earth is sinking into the ocean, we’re about to be living in the movie Waterworld, which did terribly at the box office. People are horrible, and I’m not great.” She gets real quiet. My wife is a poet, like an actual poet. So, she’ll say one line, and then there’s a lot of space. She says, “I know all of that. And I think you’d be a good dad.” So that night, we have sex without a condom, which, if you haven’t tried it… by all means, give it a chance. Not with my wife, but with your partner. It’s a… It’s a phenomenal activity. There are videos of it online. And… But I was anxious. When we were doing it, I was like, “I’m not sure!” Which is not sexy language. That’s right up there with “Is the oven on?” And… “I’m gonna wear my shirt.” And… I was anxious, ’cause I’d never had sex without a condom, which is a shocking thing to do for the first time. It’s like going on a road trip, and halfway through the trip, the car just flies, and you’re like… “This is better! There’s no traffic! And we can go anywhere!” And so… So it’s exhilarating, but also nerve-racking. The next day, I call Joe. I’m like, “I am freaking out, ’cause I’m flying the car.” And he says, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” I said, “I don’t think you’re following the analogy. I… I’d have a kid. Is there anything I should know?” He says, “You can’t know what it’s like to have a kid… until you have a kid.” And I say, “Can you be more specific?” And he takes a long, deep breath… and he says, “It’s relentless.” I say… I say,”What do you mean by ‘relentless’?” He says, “You know how you go to the gym and you push, and you sweat, and it sucks?” I said, “Yeah.” He says, “When you have a kid, you can’t even go to the gym.” And then he says, “But I’m not worried about you, Mike, ’cause whatever happens, whether you have a kid or not, it’s not gonna be better or worse. It’s just gonna be new.” So, Jen and I attempt to conceive for eight months, and it does not work, ’cause like I said, my body is a lemon… and my boys don’t swim, which killed me, ’cause if I’d known that in my twenties, I would have had a much better time. In my twenties… I treated my sperm like it was plutonium. Like… “Don’t let that sperm anywhere near those eggs!” Like, there’d be this infestation of tiny neurotic Mike Birbiglia toddlers, like, “Why would I slide down the slide when I can walk down the steps?” It turns out I do not have plutonium, I have flat soda. And, uh… And my boys don’t swim, which isn’t surprising. I mean, I don’t swim. Uh, I… I swim, but in circles. I’m always ordering hot dogs at the side of the pool. Which is not a quality you want in your sperm, that hungry, lethargic quality. You want your sperm to be like, “I swim from sea to sea!” Like the Ryan Lochte of sperm without all the fake robbery. But I found out… ‘Cause I… I went to Dr. Kaplan, and he asked me to masturbate into a cup. I said, “That’s rude.” And he said, “No, it’s a medical procedure… called ‘masturbating into a cup.'” I said, “If it’s for science, sure, I get that.” Two things about masturbating into a cup at the doctor’s… I will limit it to two. I could talk about this for six hours. One… everybody knows what’s happening. Everybody! Doctors, nurses, people in the waiting room, the UPS guy down the hall. And you’re trying to play cool. You’re like, “Oh, yeah,Brexit.” You know what I mean? Just like… “Sea levels rising rapidly.” Everyone’s like, “You’re about to ejaculate in Tupperware.” And… Two. They give you porn, and it’s the most extreme porn I had ever seen. I was… I was like, “Easy, medical porn.” Like, here I was… all these years, thinking I’m taking in the USDA recommended levels of porn, and they’re like… “You’re gonna need a lot more than that. You’re gonna need to take a multi.” And so… So I go in and I do the thing. Dr. Kaplan calls me a few days later with the results. He says, “Mike, you’re gonna have to come back in… and masturbate into a cup.” Again? And now I’m like, “Is this a joke?” I mean… Really, ’cause I’m in the jokes business, -and actually… that would be a pretty good joke, -where… you convince a stranger to masturbate… into a cup, and then you’re like, “He did it!” They’re like, “He did?” “Yeah, now what do we do?” “Ask him to do it again.” “Ask him to do it again? Why would he do it again?” “I don’t know. I don’t know why he did it in the first place. This whole thing is a sham!” A cup, by the way, being the least conveniently shaped receptacle. One could masturbate into a cup, assumes a level of composure and accuracy… that is so rare in this activity. A cup assumes the precision of an archer, like… When, in fact, you’re like, “It’s everywhere! Put some in the cup. Get me some gloves!” And now everybody knows. And so… So I go in and I do it again. This time, I waive off the medical porn. I say, “I’m gonna use memory porn, ’cause I’m a… I’m a Christian.” And, uh… Dr. Kaplan calls me at the office a few days later with the results. He says, “Mike… If you want to get your wife pregnant, you’re gonna have to have what’s called a varicocele repair. I’d never heard this term. He said, “We cut an incision in your abdomen, we go into the vein adjoining a testicle, we squeeze out the excess blood, we patch you up, and you can’t walk for about a week.” I said, “I don’t even want to have a kid.” Like, I… I had to level with him because it was escalating so rapidly, and… I was like, “Dr. Kaplan, I wasn’t gonna tell you this, but I don’t even really want to have a kid, and now you’re describing a Black Mirror episode, and I don’t… I don’t want to be in that one.” And… Dr. Kaplan says to me something I never expected anybody to say to me as an adult, never mind a medical professional. He says, “Mike, here’s what they don’t tell you. No men want to have kids.” And I go, “That’s not true. Tell me more.” He said, “Our wives want us to, we all go along with it. It’s the best thing that’ll ever happen to you. You’ll call me and you’ll thank me. It is the most joy… you will ever experience.” And I stumbled out of his office in a daze. I mean, I nearly wandered into traffic. And then, I turned around… and I walked back in, and I make an appointment for a varicocele repair. And they ask you to sign some pretty extreme forms. Like, “We may accidentally cut out your balls.” I’m like, “Do your best, Mike Birbiglia.” “We may replace your balls with Chinese yin and yang balls.” “Namaste, Mike Birbiglia.” The night before the scheduled procedure, I made the mistake of going on a surgery message board. And… Oh, I know! And… Okay, a gentleman who had had this exact procedure wrote, in all caps… which I found aggressive… D– “Do not have this surgery. Your p– Your penis will never work again.” Also all caps. I call my doctor, in the middle of the night, and I say, “Hey, I was just doing some research, and I was talking to this one guy, and he was shouting about… how his penis doesn’t work. Is that possible?” He goes, “Mike, a lot of these people are getting this stuff done by amateurs.” Which I pictured immediately, like, “I like huntin’, I like fishin’, I do varicocele repair down in the garage.” At this point, Jen didn’t think it was a good idea. I didn’t think it was a good idea. I remember sitting up in the middle of the night, thinking, “My wife would be a great mother, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. So, I’ll let him tinker with my balls for a few hours.” Well, tinker they did. The next morning, after several hours, I limped out of outpatient surgery. For eight days, I walked around New York City… like a cowboy in the snow. People were like, “What happened?” I was like, “Unnecessary ball surgery.” But it worked. At that point, I’m shooting firebombs, slinging rockets… in every direction, laser accuracy. Everyone I’m even shaking hands with is walking away pregnant. And… One of those people… was my wife. Aww. Thanks. I’ll tell you, I was more excited than she was. I came back from a trip to Appleton, Wisconsin, and she said, “I’m pregnant.” And I said, “Yes!” ‘Cause I’d forgotten I didn’t want to have a kid. I mean, that’s… that’s how dumb my brain is. Like, even though I didn’t want to have a kid, when Jen said she was pregnant, I was like, “We got a win!” Like… “Now, what?” And… She was pregnant for about 75 months. -And I’m not sure… of the exact amount of time, but it was a long duration, and it was a brutal pregnancy. It was hard for her, too. Because… There was… No, there are just a lot… there are a lot of extremes. The first one I learned about is in a woman’s first trimester, her hormones double… every three days. That’s so much! And… The first hint of this is when we interviewed this OB-GYN, and she seemed very sharp. We walked out, and Jen said, “She’s a fucking monster!” And I said, “I totally agree. She’s not good at being a doctor.” And that was not enough. She said, “No, she’s a fucking monster!” And I was like, “Yeah! She’s a fucking monster!” And now I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, in broad daylight, on the corner of 29th and 1st, about a doctor who I think is pretty good. When we get home, Jen says, “Will you go to the grocery store and get me some pretzels?” I said, “Yeah, I’ll head over there in a few minutes.” And then, what happened… is that Jen starts crying the most I’ve ever seen her cry in 15 years of knowing each other. I… I go, “Clo, what’s wrong?” She says, “I need the pretzels now!” So, I sprint to the store like a snack-food superhero, and I take photos of three types of pretzels, and I text them to her, and she writes back, “All of them!” And I wrote, “I saved your best friend’s life.” My neighbor spots me photographing the pretzels. He goes, “Mike, what are you doing?” It was early, we weren’t telling people. So I had to be like, “This is something I’m into. I got a lot of secrets, Tony!” He said, “When my wife was pregnant, she craved pretzels.” I said, “That’s irrelevant.” That’s all she could eat for a while, was pretzels. She had this awful morning sickness, and it continued into the second trimester, which is more rare. So then, we’re Googling, “What happens when it doesn’t stop?” And… The internet’s like, “That isn’t a thing.” And we’re like, “But it’s happening.” And it’s like, “Try the other internet.” And we’re like, “There isn’t one.” And it’s like, “Exactly.” And then… Jen said, “I found this one site that says that blowjobs can cure morning sickness.” Which wasn’t on WebMD. It was just… in the comment section. You know… Heroes aren’t always the people you expect. It’s not just the firemen or the first responders. Sometimes… it’s a guy with a laptop and a convincing username. One night, Jen wakes me up in the middle of the night, and she says, “I’m bleeding. A lot.” And we jump in a cab. We rush to the hospital and the doctor explains that it’s her placenta that’s bleeding. And I said, “Is it gonna be okay?” And she said, “Its going to bleed more, or it’s gonna stop bleeding.” I thought, “That’s like what I would say if I was pretending to be a doctor.” Like,”It’s gonna bleed more or less! I prefer cash!” The bleeding continued for weeks, and on top of the bleeding, Jen had hypermobile hips, which meant she might break or dislocate her hip during labor, which is obviously not great timing. And we were… so worried that we went to this holistic birthing education class, which wasn’t a great fit, because it was too much optimism for us at that moment. The instructor was like, “What’s the most exciting thing about having baby?” Which is a new thing for us where they don’t say “the” baby, they’re just like, “Baby!” We were like, ” We just want baby to live. We don’t… we don’t have high hopes for this thing, ’cause we went to hospital, and… we spoke with doctor, and… she did test, and it’s touch-and-go at moment. And that… That wasn’t anyone else’s answer. One lady was like, “I just want to hold baby skin-to-skin.” And one lady is like, “I just want to see the world through baby’s eyes.” And I was like, “See the world through baby’s eyes? How did you make this about you? It’s another person! Now you’ve invented this futuristic eye surgery? Get a hold of yourself! What happens if the baby is blind?” Feel so bad for himself, like, “My mom only had me for my baby’s eyes. They don’t even work!” At one point, the instructor says, “When baby comes out, they’ll try to take her away and check her vitals… but don’t let them.” I was like, “I think I’m gonna let them. They’re called “vitals,” not “optionals.” I think I might go with the grain on that one.” One night, we were walking home from birthing class, and Jen starts making out with me, because the same hormone that causes hypermobile hips causes some people to crave sex. And so, we got home, we have this magically pregnant sex with all these contractions and these very loose hips. It was like having sex with Space Mountain. I was like… “Hold on!” We were both so worried that any moment, she might give birth into my penis, which… they never discussed in birthing class. Like, “I just want to see penis through baby’s eyes.” In the third trimester, the bleeding stopped, which was a huge relief, and the morning sickness went away. And Jen started eating like a college freshman. Just hot dogs, and ice cream, and mayonnaise. At one point, she’s eating three hot dogs, all at once. She’s a vegetarian. And… She looks up at me… and she says, “I feel like I understand you now.” I said, “I think that’s the most offensive thing you’ve ever said to me. Is that… is that how you have viewed me all these years? Just… this ogre who swallows buckets of hot dogs, and ice cream, and mayonnaise?” Yeah, that’s a part of me, but that’s… that’s not the whole picture. One morning, we were lying on the couch, and we’re sharing a pint of double peanut-butter chocolate-chip ice cream, and I’m rubbing Jen’s shoulders, and she says, “It’s hard for me to breathe, or speak, or move.” I said, “That really limits your options. That’s… That’s my big three.” She said, “I feel… like a mammal.” I said, “You’ve always been a mammal. We’re both mammals. And, uh… But what do you want to do?” She said, “I want to go to the Museum of Natural History… with the other mammals.” So that’s what we did. We went to the Museum of Natural History. And I… and I took photos of Jen with her exposed pregnant belly, next to porpoises, and walruses, and narwhals, and dolphins. Then we get to the big blue whale. And she says, “I want you to know… I know you never wanted to have a kid, and I want to make sure this doesn’t change the way we live our lives.” And I said, “Thanks.” And the next morning, at 10:04 a.m., our daughter was born. Which is a reality-bending experience, because two colossal events occurred simultaneously. One is that a human being enters the Earth. And the second is that my wife, this person I love and cherish and know better than anyone, in front of my eyes, becomes a mother. And I… pretty much stayed the same. And that was really the strangest part, because I’m watching this go down, and I’m thinking, “That’s nuts. I don’t know what I could possibly do to help. I guess I’ll just write an email to anyone we’ve ever met,” which is the chief responsibility of the dad. The mom births a living fire hydrant through her vagina, and the dad knocks out an email to his list. She does the physical. And I do the clerical. I forgot to write the email. And… Not proud of it. Uh… I was stunned for those first ten hours by the trippy hospital lights, and chlorine smell, and I’m wearing the art school smock, and the shower cap. At a certain point, they hand me this monkey. And I’m like, “But we’re humans.” And they’re like, “This is what it is.” And then I’m like, “Can we speak with a manager?” And they’re like, “There isn’t one.” And I’m like, “That’s the problem. There’s no accountability.” And… And then you have to take it home. I mean, it’s completely frowned upon to leave it there. And… They tried to dress it up. They’re like, “We’ll put a striped blanket on it, and a beanie. We’ll make it look like E.T. You can give it a name.” So we… so we called her Oona. Which means “one.” As in, “We’re only having one.” I’ve been very clear. And then, we bring home this monkey. And she wouldn’t sleep for a year. And that’s when I remembered I didn’t want to have a kid. It’s a little bit like this… where people send you… all this crap! They’re like, “This is a chair that shakes the baby! This is a blanket that smothers the baby! This is a Magic Sleepsuit!” This is an actual item. A Magic Sleepsuit! You’re so desperate for your child to sleep… you’ll believe… in magic! And that’s not all! There’s the Boppy! There’s the Breast Friend, which is what I thought I was! There’s this worm! There’s bibs, and balls, and binkies, and Slumber Buddies, and a Baby Shusher, which is an owl that tells you to stop talking. There’s a Moses basket in case you want to ship your baby down a river. There’s rattles, and a rainstick in case your baby’s a shaman. And none of it works! Everybody tries to give you advice. They’re like, “Have you tried sounds of the ocean?” I’m like… “Yes, we’ve tried sounds of the ocean!” “Have you tried massaging her legs?” “Yes, we’ve tried massaging her legs!” “She should be sleeping.” “I know she should be sleeping!” My wife hasn’t slept in weeks! Though I’m sleeping pretty well, because… Well, I had a doctor’s note. As you know… I have a rare and dangerous sleep disorder. And… And Jen… and Jen… Jen and I were… Jen and I were both very worried about this. We went to my sleep doctor after Oona was born, and we said, “Is this dangerous?” And he goes, “Oh, yeah!” He said there are people who have REM behavior disorder who have dreams their son is a football, and they kick them through the goalposts, which are above the fireplace. And I said, “I wish you hadn’t put that image in my brain, but I see your point.” He said, “One thing you might consider is sleeping in a separate room from your wife and daughter, and installing a chain lock from the inside.” So we did that. And then, to supplement the sleeping bag, I created a fitted sleep sheet, that fits me into my mattress. I cut out a hole for my head and one for my wife, though she never used it, and then… I secured the sheet under the mattress with a rope… and a camping clasp. And so, now, I’m like a relatable Hannibal Lecter. And… This is real. And, uh… Yeah, I brought this from home. This is a double-sided zipper, in case I’m suffocating. So, that’s fun. And, uh.. I made this. I took it to the tailor on my corner. And I said, “Can you make more of these?” And he said, “No!” And he walked me out of the store, ’cause he clearly thought it was some kind of S&M sex sheet for Orthodox Jews, which it isn’t. It’s a… It’s a homemade medical device. You might remember that we also have a cat. And, uh, her name is Mazzy, and she was a street cat. And so, she wakes us up every morning by scratching our faces, which is, I believe, a survival instinct from the streets, but in a domestic setting, it’s much less charming and can be dangerous. You can’t have that around an infant, so we locked Mazzy in the bedroom with me. You can see where this is going. And so, every morning, she wakes me up by scratching my face, but I can’t protect myself, ’cause my arms are bound by the sheet. I’m like, “Outta here, street cat! Nobody wanted you!” And she’s like, “Well, well, well! Cat’s got your arms!” And… If you have a cat, you know that we had to keep the litter bin in the locked bedroom. In the first week, I forgot to scoop the litter, and Mazzy peed on this linen chair. I don’t know if you’ve smelled cat pee… but it’s a little bit like if regular pee… took a shit. It’s… It’s the most… rancid smell.   Before… Before we had Oona, Jen said to me, “This baby isn’t gonna change the way… we live… our lives.” And I feel like it has. -Because… I sleep in a straitjacket… in a room that is chain-locked from the inside, filled with cat litter dust and super pee, and every morning, I’m awoken by a wild animal… that is trying to murder me in my sleep. I feel like this baby has changed the way we live our lives. One morning, I’m walking home from Rite Aid with cat litter and diapers, and I walk into our apartment, and Jen is crying on the couch a lot, like “pretzels” level. And I say, “Clo, what’s wrong?” And she says, “Oona is never gonna be in my belly again.” That’s how close Jen and Oona were. One day, I found this. This is a… a short poem that Jen had written. This is one of her actual poetry notebooks. This is called Little Astronaut. “A newborn rests her head on the earth of mother. Everything else is outer space.” This is the most profound level of love… I had ever witnessed. And I was there, too. It’s almost like I didn’t know what “nothing” meant until I became a dad. And then, I was like, “Oh, that’s what nothing is.” I was so nothing. I was this pudgy, milkless vice-president of the family. Huge title, no power. Also oversees Congress. My whole job… was to be around and have no opinions. Like, if I expressed a hint of an opinion, everyone was like, “What’s that?” I’d be like, “I was just mumbling to myself… about the news.” Like… I was the intern of my own family. I was like, “Does anyone need coffee? I’ll clean up your crap. Someday, I hope to be a member of the family.” And… I was a good intern. I showed up on time, I worked hard, but it would always be junior level activities. Jen would put Oona down for a nap, stick her in the stroller and say, “Take her for a walk, and when she wakes up, return immediately.” So I would do that. When I wasn’t interning, I was on the road, in every Applebee’s with a dream. And one night, I’m in Weatherford, Oklahoma, which is a direct flight from nowhere, which is why, after the show, I drove a rental car four-and-a-half hours down to Dallas. I caught the first flight in the morning, but we were delayed from thunderstorms all… all day, so… After 26 hours of travel, I walk in our apartment at 1:00 a.m., and I make my way through the living room. And I’m drenched, and exhausted, and empty. And I get… to the couch. And Oona is asleep… on the couch. And I tiptoe into the kitchen. And I say, “Clo, it’s not a big deal, but that’s my couch.” Jen says, “Great news. That’s where Oona likes to sleep.” I said, “I totally get it. As a short-term solution, I think that’s phenomenal, but long-term, I think Oona should sleep in a crib.” Jen said, “We decided that Oona doesn’t like to sleep in a crib.” I said, “Who’s in ‘we’?” She said, “Me and Oona.” I said, “I’m not in ‘we’ anymore? I’m a founding member of ‘we’.” It is a shocking revelation when you are evicted… from your own life. So I decide I’m gonna win back my wife… from my daughter. The next day, we’re strolling Oona through the park, and I said, “I was thinking we should set aside one night a week and get a babysitter.” And Jen looked at me like I was suggesting we sell Oona into slavery, and then, Oona starts screaming, like the meanest heckler I’ve ever encountered. Like, a heckler not only hates what I’m saying, but every word individually in any context, and… Jen looks at me and says, “Oona doesn’t like it when we talk.” This baby isn’t gonna change the way we live our lives… but she doesn’t like it when we talk. And then she started to talk when she was six months old. Jen said, “Hi!” And then, Oona said, “Hi.” And I said, “Hi!” And Oona said… When she was eight months old, Jen wrote this… “An infant reaches for something. I don’t know what. Pushes it farther away and cries in frustration each time she reaches, without realizing she is crawling for the first time. She is just like her father.” That’s a poetry burn. And… When she was 13 months old, she was teething. As far as we could tell, she was growing 234 teeth. The only time she wouldn’t scream was when she was suckling my wife’s boob with her freaky shark teeth. One morning, we’re at the kitchen table, and Oona is just sucking all the life, and food, and energy out of my wife. Which is what I want to do. But I can’t, ’cause I’m doing the dishes. She says, “You’re doing a great job.” And I say, “Thanks.” Sometimes, I’m not sure. She says, “Not you.” Cool! Two hours later, Jen has to pee, and she hands Oona to me. The moment I take her, it was like holding the angriest thing I’d ever held. It was like… it was like holding my dad. She was like… I was like, “How do you think I feel? I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know anything.” At that moment, the church bells on our corner start chiming the song Ave Maria. And she stops crying. Looks up. Starts bobbing her head. I said, “I know. It’s a classic.” She’s bobbing her head, and I’m thinking, “She’s got a really good rhythm. Maybe she could be a drummer, or a DJ, or an agreeable person. Maybe this’ll help her sleep. She won’t need the Slumber Buddies, or the Dream Dust, or the… Magic Sleepsuit. And the song ends. She’s looking at me, and I’m looking at her, and we both know… it’s about to go down. So, I go… ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Ave ♪ ♪ Maria ♪ I don’t know the words, and so I go… ♪ There will be a Jesus ♪ ♪ In your womb ♪ ♪ It’s actually a pretty big honor ♪ ♪ It’s more like an Oscar than an Emmy ♪ Eventually, I run out of lyrics, and she’s staring at me, and I’m bracing myself, and she looks me in the eyes and says, “Dada.” Aww. For that moment, I was the pudgy, milkless vice-president with record high approval ratings for no reason. Ten hours later, I’m back on the road, but this time, I have the flu. And when I get the flu, it is worse than when other people get the flu. I’m backstage at the Byham Theater in Pittsburgh. I’m lying on the floor in the darkness. My cheek is pushed up against the cold tile, my throat feels like I’ve swallowed broken glass, and the tour manager opens the door a crack. He says, “Mike, we have to start.” And I roll off the floor, and I hobble onto the stage. I didn’t know what to do. I was looking at the audience like I’m looking at you now, thinking, “Should I tell them?” Like, what would Springsteen do? Like, “This might take the fun out of ‘I’m on Fire’… but my ass is on fire. Here we go!” Everyone would be, like, “Bruce, no!” I made it through, but the next morning, I’m even sicker. And I’m driving home, I pull over to Starbucks, I don’t mean to be crude, to use the restroom aggressively. Which I believe is the rudest thing one can do at someone’s place of business. They’re like, “We’ve got muffins, we can make you a latte.” -You’re like, “That’s all well and good… but what I’m gonna do… is go into this private room you have in the back and unload the most vile substance my body’s been able to conjure in 39 years of existence. Then I’m gonna leave and I’m not gonna purchase anything. And I’m gonna drive as far away from this location as physically possible to forget this ever happened. Do you have the code?” So now… Now I’m driving, I’m sweaty and flu-ish. After seven hours, I walk into our apartment, I collapse on our beloved couch, and it hugs me. Jen walks in, who has the sweetest, softest, thread-counted voice. And says, “Get the fuck off the couch!” I said… I said, “Clo, I have the flu.” She said, “If Oona gets the flu, I’m gonna be up all night holding her until my arm is numb, using the other arm to rummage through the darkness for the baby Tylenol and the thermometer. And I’ve tried to make it so this doesn’t change the way we live our lives. I don’t wake you up, I change the diapers, I give her baths, but right now, you’re in the way.” You tell that story about me breastfeeding at the kitchen table, and the only part that isn’t true… is that you do the dishes.” I roll off the couch, and I walk into my dungeon, and I lock the door.2 And I get into my straitjacket… and I can’t believe my own thought. I think, “I get why Dads leave.” And I’m only comfortable saying that, because I’m not gonna leave. I love my wife. And where would I go? Who’s gonna zip up my sleeping bag? I’m not gonna be out on the town, like, “What do you say we get out of here, and you put on my mittens?” “Do you mean a condom?” “Not exactly.” I’m comfortable saying it, ’cause I’m not gonna leave, but for the first time in my life, I get it. And I know that’s a sensitive subject. especially if your dad left. But if your dad left, I want you to know it is not because of you. It’s because… you exist. And I’m gonna clarify that, ’cause it’s a very subtle distinction. It’s not because of your personality, or that you don’t deserve love. It’s that your dad maybe didn’t want to be a dad, and he doesn’t understand causality that well. And now, you’re alive. And I think that’s great. So who cares if your dad’s around, ’cause who needs a guy like that anyway? That said… I get it. Because this person who I have sworn to spend the rest of my life with, this person who I’ve spent thousands of hours on a couch with, who has saved my best friend’s life… is in the greatest love affair of her entire life that I’m watching through a window. And all day, people come up to me and they say, “Is it the most joy you’ve ever experienced?” And I have to say, “It’s the most joy. I didn’t know what joy was… until now. And now I know what it is. It’s this.” I’m literally empty bones, and garbage, and Diet Coke, and people say, “Are you full?” I have to say, “I’m so full.” So I fall asleep and I have the best sleep I’ve had in a year, because I’ve accidentally locked Mazzy out of the bedroom. And in the morning, I wake up and I open the door, and I smell the most unmistakable, heinous stench, because Mazzy has peed all over the couch. – Oh. -I know. So, I order a pizza… to compete with the smell, and when the delivery guy shows up, I pay him $20 to carry the couch with me out to the street. And that’s where it died. I’m in the bedroom for four days with the flu, and on the fifth day, I wander out at 4:30 in the morning. And I wander into the kitchen. And I do the dishes. And I enjoy it. That week, Jen started writing poems for Oona for when she gets older, and I found… this. “Oona… in our house, there is always a congregation of ants summiting around a noodle, or carrying their weight in popcorn across the kitchen floor. And in the sink, there is always a pile of dishes. But this morning, your father… did the dishes. And it made me want to fuck him.” And I’d like to think that was for me. That week, we took Oona… to a department store, and she spots this couch. It was blue. My wife thinks it’s green. I looked it up… “Lagoon.” Oona loves the couch. She goes, “Couch! Wug! Piwwow!” She’s a genius. The three of us sit on the couch in the department store. Oona is hiding behind each of us. And we go, “Where’s Oona? Where’s Oona?” She’s clinging into my back as I spin. The more she clings, the more I’m committing. Like… “Where is Oona? Where is she?” And she starts laughing so hard, like the hardest I’ve ever seen anyone laugh in my whole life, and I’m in the jokes business. At this idea that she’s tricking us, the people in power, the people who know everything. She’s fooled us completely, at least this once. And look, I know she’s gonna grow up and find out that the Earth is sinking into the ocean, and we might have to live in an almond milk jug in Pennsylvania, -and… people can be horrible, but as I’m staring at this monkey on a couch, I feel like she might be one of the people who changes that trajectory. She’s laughing so hard that I start laughing in a new… way, from my perspective, and Jen’s perspective, and Oona’s perspective all at once. We’re laughing… as one. And in that moment, I feel… full. I’ve seen the world… through baby’s eyes. ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ Thanks. – -Thank you, guys! ♪ Ave Maria ♪ Thank you! ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ There will be a Jesus in your womb ♪ ♪ It’s actually a pretty big honor ♪ ♪ It’s more like an Oscar than an Emmy ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ There will be a Jesus in your womb ♪ ♪ It’s actually a pretty big honor ♪ ♪ It’s more like an Oscar than an Emmy ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ – ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was lonely Till I saw your face ♪ ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was broken Till I wanted to change ♪ ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ There will be a Jesus in your womb ♪ ♪ It’s actually a pretty big honor ♪ ♪ It’s more like an Oscar than an Emmy ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ There will be a Jesus in your womb ♪ ♪ It’s actually a pretty big honor ♪ ♪ It’s more like an Oscar than an Emmy ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ – ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was lonely Till I saw your face ♪ ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better I wanna get better ♪ ♪ I didn’t know I was broken Till I wanted to change ♪ ♪ I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Better, better, better I wanna get better ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪ ♪ Ave Maria ♪ ♪ Gratia Plena ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tiffany Haddish: Black Mitzvah (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tiffany-haddish-black-mitzvah-transcript/

[roaring cheers] [Haddish] People think they know everything about me. Well, here’s something they probably don’t know. [gong] [affirming yells] [audience whoos] [low cymbal roll] [clapping] [Haddish] ♪ Hava nagila ♪ [audience roars] ♪ Hava nagila ♪ ♪ Hava nagila Venis mecha ♪ ♪ Hava nagila Hava nagila ♪ ♪ Hava nagila Venis mecha ♪ [audience whoos, claps] [“Hava Nagila” by Tiffany Haddish plays] ♪ Hava neranena ♪ ♪ Hava neranena ♪ [continued cheering] ♪ Hava neranena Venis mecha ♪ ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ [audience clapping to beat] ♪ Let’s party ♪ ♪ Let’s party, let’s party, tonight ♪ [clapping to beat] ♪ They call me Tiffany ♪ [whoos] ♪ And I’m here to say ♪ ♪ I’m gonna make you laugh Real hard baby ♪ ♪ When I do my thing, on the microphone ♪ ♪ Ain’t none of y’all going home alone ♪ ♪ You gonna leave with thoughts You gonna leave with this ♪ ♪ You might leave with a little pee on you, miss ♪ [laughing] ♪ I’m here to teach, so listen up ♪ ♪ Sometimes I’m good, sometimes I suck ♪ ♪ I’mma tell you about what happened in Miami ♪ Also gonna talk my granny and the Grammy’s ♪ ♪ How you let the boys Play in there is crazy ♪ ♪ Assure their hands are clean Don’t wanna foamy fanny ♪ ♪ Short play all the way up in my punani ♪ ♪ Parasites all up and listen, yes ♪ ♪ I’m a little bit of a scientist ♪ ♪ I’m an energy producer and I’m comin’ with it ♪ ♪ Sing “Ready, babe, Black Mitzvah, bitch” ♪ [loud cheering] ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ It’s the Black Mitzvah ♪ ♪ She ready ♪ ♪ Black Mitzvah ♪ ♪ Yeah, it’s the Black Mitzvah ♪ ♪ She ready ♪ ♪ Black Mitzvah ♪ [clapping to the beat] ♪ Black Mitzvah, bitch ♪ [whoos] Master talk. [cheering, clapping] [whooping, screaming] [woman whoos] [cheering continues] That’s right. That’s right. [whooping] I’m Jewish. Mm-hmm. Everybody don’t know that about me. I’m Jewish and I hope that you are all here ready to celebrate tonight. Tonight is a celebration! [whoos of agreement] [clapping] ‘Cuz I have finally come into my full grown womanhood. I’m a grown-ass woman. [woman] Yeah! [cheering] Okay, I have survived the foster care system. [quick whoos] I have survived homelessness. [clapping] I even survived the Swamp Tour with the Fresh Prince while I was high as fuck. [whooping, laughing] So why not celebrate, huh? Here’s the thing. My father is from Eritrea. I don’t know if you ever heard of this place. It’s on the east side of Africa, [cheers] one of the most beautiful places. It’s the real Wakanda, baby. [rounds of whoos] There was a war there for 30 years. And my father was from there. He’s an Eritrean Jew. And he came here to America, met my mom at a gas station, and booyah! [roaring laughter] [clapping, whooing] So tonight, welcome… to my black mitzvah baby! [euphoric screams] [clapping] [man whoos] [loud cheering] It’s where I’m from. I grew up right here in South Central Los Angeles. [whoos] Do you know how difficult it is to be black and Jewish in the hood? [audience laughs] I knew how to count but I couldn’t read that good. [laughing, whooping] [rounds of clapping, laughing] Y’all can sit down now if y’all want to. [laughs, whoos] And on that road, on that long road to womanhood, you know, I grew up in South Central Los Angeles and it’s a lot of lessons. [whoos of agreement] A lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way because I really didn’t have no one particular person to raise me. The world raised me. And I’ve learned a lot of things. I’m here tonight to share with you. It’s my mitzvah. I’m here to teach. [whooing] [clapping] And one thing that I’ve learned is that [clicks tongue, clears throat] it was really hard for me to breathe after that little dance routine. [audience laughs] That little song and dance– ‘cuz I… [whoos] ‘Cuz see, what had happened was, uh, [uproarious laughter] I have stopped smoking cigarettes like 10 months ago, right? [round of whoos] And…yeah. [cheering, clapping] Thank you. I stopped smoking cigarettes and I started to… eat. [chuckles] [audience laughs] And my heritage started to kick in. [chuckling] You know how most people, they get houses, cars, things like that. Well, you know, [puffs in mic, laughs] my inheritance was that DNA. I inherited this ass. [cheering, clapping] And I ain’t gonna lie to you. I like my inheritance a lot! [audience screams with laughter] Oh, I love my ass. [whooping] [clapping] But I knew that if things are getting a little out of control when I would walk around the house with no panties on and I would hear round of applause. I would hear clapping. [audience laughs] I was like, who is clapping in here? Who is– who is clapping over here? It was my ass. It was my ass. [whooping] [rounds of laughing, clapping] [inhales, steadily exhales] [continued laughing] You know, what’s crazy is Ms. Tina, Ms. Tina Knowles-Lawson, Beyoncé mama. She had invited me– I got invited to her birthday party, right? But she didn’t invite me, somebody else had. They didn’t know I was gonna be there. So what happened was– [whooing, laughing] [clapping] I was at the birthday party, right? And Beyoncé had came in. And her suit was banging. And I was like, “Oh my God, this suit is amazing!” She said the suit was from Christian Siriano. I was like, “Christian Siriano made that suit? Oh, I know Christian Siriano. I’mma ask him to make me a suit too.” [audience chuckles] She’s like, “Okay.” So then… [audience howls] When he sent me the suit, right? He gave it to me fresh off the runway, right? I couldn’t even pull it up on my thighs or nothing. It didn’t fit. So I was like kind of devastated. So then I thought to myself, “Let me call Beyoncé mama. Just take a shot in the dark to see if she let me borrow that suit, right?” So I called Beyoncé mama. I said, “Hey, Ms. Tina, how you doing? [audience laughs] You know that suit that Beyoncé was wearing that night at the party, do you think that Beyoncé will let me borrow it?” She was like, “You know what’s crazy? She was talking about gifting that to you. But I don’t know if you going to be able to fit it. You know, Beyoncé had three kids and you didn’t have none.” I was like… [roaring whoos] Well… [rounds of clapping] We’ll see, you know. [audience cackling] We’ll see, I– [blows lips] Girl, I got a needle and thread. Don’t worry about that. [laughter] So then, she called Beyoncé. The next day, the suit is at my house. The suit is like at my front door. I was like, “Oh my God. Beyoncé is the most dopest person [uproarious cheering] in the whole wide world!” [whistling in agreement] Beyoncé is the epitome of women supporting other women. That’s girl power to the fullest, like, she supporting other women. That’s what I love about her, right? And then, I had put the suit on. And it fit me perfectly! It was a little loose in the titties ‘cuz I don’t have none. [audience laughing] But it fit me perfectly, right? It fit me perfectly. So then, I called Beyoncé mama, said, “Hey, Ms. Tina. It fit perfect. The suit fit perfect.” She was like, “It do?” I said, “Yeah, it was a little loose on the breast area but everything else fits perfectly.” And she was like, “For real?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “Wow, I’m shocked.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Shots fired, Ms. Tina!” [audience laughing] [Haddish chuckles] So my homegirl’s like, “We should go to the gym. Let’s go to the gym. Like, your body used to be banging. You was a track star. Used to run cross-country, used to do all these things. Get that body back. Get back in the gym, Tiffany. Get back in the gym.” I said, “I became a comedian so that I could get fat if I felt like it bitch.” [roars of laughter] Stupid! [continued laughing] And yes, I’m drinking out of a plastic straw. [audience chuckles] ‘Cuz I’m a motherfucking rebel. [laughing, clapping] I know it’s illegal. [rounds of howling laughter] I can smoke some weed up here and that’s totally legal. But drinking out of the straw… [laughing, whooing] So bad. [continued laughing] [giggles] You looking like you want to call the police on a bitch. [audience whoos, laughs] But real shit, my friends were like, “Tiffany, you got to go to the gym. Come with us to the gym. Let’s go work out. Come on. Let’s go out. Let’s go to the gym. Let’s work out.” Fuck the gym! [audience roars with laughter] “Gotta get your cardio. Gotta get your cardio in.” Fine. I’ll get my cardio in. I’ll skip. [laughter] I’mma skip around the block two times [audience laughing] with my bonnet on. I’mma tell you right now, you can– I still stay in South Central Los Angeles. I can skip around my block no matter what time of day or night. Ain’t nobody finna fuck with no bitch that skip. [laughing, clapping] [whoos] [continued clapping] If ever you feel like danger is around. Bitch start skipping. [howling laughter] Ain’t no body ’bout to fuck with a bitch that skip! [whooping] I mean, either she fucking happy or she crazy! [audience laughs] If ever you’re driving down Crenshaw and you see a chick with a bonnet on, [hollering] cellphone in hand, and a full-blown skip, [audience clapping] [cackling] that’s me. [audience roars with laughter] [clapping, hollering] ♪ Do you know the muffin man… ♪ [Haddish laughs] [laughing, clapping] Full-blown skipper. [guffaws] I’m here to teach. [cackling] And becoming a woman, I’ve learned a lot of things. I think I’m a scientist. Personally, [audience whoos] I think I’m a lightweight scientist. People always say, “Tiffany, when you first got money, what did you buy? What’s the first big purchase? Your first big purchase?” A motherfucking microscope. [whooping, clapping] I went straight to Amazon and I bought me a microscope ‘cuz I was like, “I need to see what the fuck is going on out here.” [laughter] Bought me a $325 microscope that I can hook up to my computer. I can take pictures of the bacterias and the germs and the parasites. [laughs, whoos] Then I can upload them to Google and I can find out exactly what the fuck it is. Dude come to my house. “Drink off this cup. Let’s see what happens.” [laughter] [chuckling] You can go home. I’ll see you in five to seven days. [whooping] I need to see what the fuck grow out of that motherfuckin’ mouth. [audience laughs] This mo’fucker got a yeasty-ass throat. [laughter] [hollering in disgust] [shrieking] [cackling] He said, “Gee.” Is that too much for you, sir? Is the science– Is the science too much for you? [cackling] Now you wanna know if you yeasty, don’t you? [uproarious laughter] Look at you. He’s like, “Haha-ha.” [laughing, hollering] Now that tongue a little white. [audience laughs] Might got some candidosis on that bitch. [laughing] Parasites is real though. Parasites is a real fucking thing. Parasites is a real thing. Every single one of us human beings, all of us, every human… We all got parasites inside of us. [laughter] It’s crazy like, we’re made up of like a billion million parasites. And then our minds, our minds is the government, right? And like, so the parasites like, listen to your mind. If you’re in control of your mind, then you can run everything up in here, right? But if you’re not in control of your mind, then the parasites run you. [whooping] [laughing] Let me say it again. [laughter] If you’re not in control of your mind, [continued laughter] the parasites run you. [audience whoos] So you gotta be in control of this right here. Now so… so like, for me anyways, you know, like… [clicks tongue] People be like, “Tiffany, you got an attitude.” No, I don’t got an attitude. My parasites got an attitude. [uproarious laughter] [clapping] [cackling] “Tiffany, Tiffany, you talk too much.” I don’t talk too much. My parasites talk too much. [whooping, laughing] “Tiffany, I don’t know. You’re a borderline alcoholic.” I’m not no alcoholic. [audience screaming with laughter] My parasite is an alcoholic. [cheering] They like the vodka. [fading claps] Anyway… [sighs] You have to work at it everyday, though. You gotta work at it every day. Some days the parasites, they just… [stammers] they fucking wild. They wild. I get tired. I get really tired ‘cuz I work really hard. You ever have like a really bad day at work? [whoos of agreement] Like one of them days you’re like, “Why did I wake up today? [chuckling] I should’ve stayed asleep on this day. I should’ve called in pregnant. That’s what I should’ve did.” [laughter] One of them days. I have one of them days last year. On the last day of last year was that day for me. It was a bad day. [laughing] It was one of them days when I was like, “Fuck.” [laughing continues] See, what had happened was– [howling laughter] Lemma tell you what had happened. What had happened was… Last year, I worked my ass off, like… [sharp exhale] I only had 40 days off. And out of those 40 days, I only slept in my actual bed 28. ‘Cuz I was fuckin’ the rest , ‘cuz… [laughing] Parasites. [whooping] [cheering, clapping] [woman whoos] And… [chuckles] Like, hold up– Y’all this mic pack is trying to fuck me in the ass. [roaring laughter] I just can’t, it is like… [stammers] And I got on the Spanx. It’s like cutting up the– [laughing] I’m ’bout to be molested up here. This is… [laughter] [stammers] I want to finish the joke. But if this mic pack touch my ass one more time… [laughing, clapping] That’s it. The parasites gonna have to do its business with this mic pack. [laughing] ‘Cuz I don’t know if y’all noticed, I ain’t got no boyfriend. Anything with a battery in it, I’m trying to fuck. [cackling] [clapping] [hollering] I’m trying to fuck it, y’all. [screaming laughter, whooping] Oh, mic pack! [audience laughs] Can you look at it? [giggles] It’s in there, boy. [laughter] I got that little arch on my back, so it slides down, slide, slide… Ah, it’s nasty. Feel like a dick just running up and down. [howling laughter[ It’s so hard. Yes. It feel like a hard dick. [laughing] The fuck I’m sayin’… Y’all should see how much Saran wrap I got on under this bitch. [cheering] [whooping, clapping] [Haddish laughs] [audience whoos] [Haddish chuckling] When I take this shit off, it’s gonna be like… [whooshing] [audience laughs] That’s right, white woman, sweep these floors. [laughter] That’s right. Clean up, clean up. That’s what I’m talking about. Yeah! [cheering] See how I do it, bitch? [Haddish sneering] [laughter] [audience whoos] [whooing intensifies] [clapping, whistling] [continued whooing] [woman] Yes! [clapping fading] So. [whooping] Thank you. I love you for loving me. I appreciate you. So let me tell you what had happened, so… [laughs] [audience laughing] So I’m at work, right? I’m at work on a movie set. The next day, I fly out to Miami, right? I fly out to Miami. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in Miami, but this is where the devil lives, okay? [uproarious laughter] I’m telling you, the devil live there. You gotta be careful there, okay? I didn’t know. I found out. So what had happened– So I get to the hotel. It’s late at night. It’s about ten o’clock at night when I get to my hotel. All my friends are in town, right? Because they all want to go to Tiffany Haddish’s New Years Eve show. Yay! It’s gonna be so much fucking fun, right? [audience laughing] It’s… They out there, they calling me, “Tiff, what you doing? What you doing?” I said, “I’m going to bed, man. I’m tired. I just flew in. I just left the set, I’m tired, I’m going to bed.” And then– Anybody got that one friend, that one friend that can motivate you to do shit -you ain’t got no damn business doing. [audience laughing] That friend that can make you move [drawn out] into doing things you know you’re gonna go to jail for. [audience laughs] You ever see that movie “Pinocchio”? [laughter] And then when Pinocchio was trying to go to school. He’s trying to be a good boy. Just a good little boy. And his friend came in, saying, “Let’s go have fun, let’s go do something cool. Let’s… He’s like, “Yeah, we go!” And they turned into fucking donkeys. They turned into jackasses. That’s what the fuck happened to me! [roaring laughter] My friend called me, she’s like, “Tiffany, come on, let’s go out.” I’m like, “Nah, girl. I gotta go to bed.” She’s like, “Tiffany, have you celebrated this year?” I was like, “What do you mean? Have I celebrated?” “Did you celebrate?” [laughing] “Celebrate what, bitch? What are you talking about?” [laughing] “Tiffany. You was the very first African American female stand-up comedian to host SNL. And you won an Emmy for that. [cheering] You won an Emmy for it! [continued cheering] Did you celebrate? Did you celebrate, Tiffany?” I said, “No. I went to my next job trying to get an Emmy for that motherfucker.” [laughter] She said, “Okay. But you was in a movie with Kevin Hart and it made over a hundred million dollars. [audience whoos] You was in a movie that made a hundred million dollars. Did you go out to celebrate that, Tiffany?” I said, “No– You know what? Yes, I did. I celebrated by cashing that check from that movie that made a hundred million.” [whoos] That was my celebration. [clapping] Thank you. Check it! [laughter] She said, “But Tiffany, when you were 16, you could not read. You learned how to read. And then you wrote a book. And it came out and it was on the New York’s Best Seller’s list. You did an audio book. And that was on the New York’s Best Seller’s list. And you got nominated for a Grammy for reading out loud, bitch! [uproarious laughter] Did you celebrate? Did you celebrate? [cheering] Gettin’ the Grammy for reading out loud. Do you know how inspiring that is to people that hate readin’? Bitch, there’s people out here who can’t see that can read. Now they finna be reading, to get Grammys!” [laughter] I said, “Girl. No, I’m not working on my Hooked on Phonics program so I can write a better book that’s more eloquent.” [audience laughs] She said, “Tiffany. It’s gonna be a gang of dick in the club.” I said, “You should’ve just said that in the first place!” [howling laughter] [clapping] [whoos] I was out there partying my ass off, dancing, drinking, drinking more than I ever drank in my whole entire life. I was drinking everything. Anything somebody handed to me, I was drinking it. Man, I was so messed up, my kidneys failed on me. I was… [sighs] I’m pretty sure I peed in the Uber. I know my Uber rating went down. [roaring laughter] Got me to the hotel. Boom, I went to sleep, right? They wake me up in the middle of the day, said, “Tiffany, you got to do a video. You got to do a video to let everybody know where you gonna be at tonight. Got to let everybody know.” And I said, “Oh, okay. But I don’t feel so good. [groans] I don’t think I should do it.” They said, “Get out in the sun. You can do it.” If you see this video, this video will tell you this is not gonna be a good show. [roaring laughter] This show is gonna be horrible. I didn’t know where the fuck I was gonna be performing at. It was bad. It was just a… It was another bad choice. It’s a bad idea. Just look. What up, y’all. This is me, Tiffany. [screaming laughter] I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve been out here in Miami since yesterday this night [whooping, clapping] or early this morning. And I partied. I partied all night. I can’t open my eyes, y’all. [laughter] Not even that, I partied all morning. I went to bed at seven. It’s whatever time it is right now. I’m up. [howling laughter] I’mma do the show tonight. New Year’s Eve. Uh-huh. I’m about to party. About to party some more! [laughing] Who comin’ to party with me? Who comin’ to ring in the New Year with me? It’s James… I don’t know the name of the place. I forget the name of the theater. [roaring laughter] Go to my website Tiffanyhaddish.com, you find out where it’s at. You can tell my breath stinks. James L. Knight Center Theater. -[laughing] – James L. Theater Center–Knight! [continued laughing] The Ciroc’s still in my system. The, the party’s gonna… The party’s gonna be so lit! Get your tickets, Tiffanyhaddish.com! [cackling] New Year’s Eve. Let’s go! Yeah! [uproarious laughter, cheering] [whooping, clapping] She was not ready! [laughter] She not ready. Anybody with any common sense is gonna be like, “That show’s gonna be bad. She don’t even know where the fuck she at.” [laughing] Wind blowin’ through my partial weave, two tracks slapping in the back. [laughing] You can barely see it, but it’s back there flapping. Horrible. I go back to sleep. They wake me up, “Tiffany, it’s time to get to the theater. Get to the theater, “We gotta do your makeup.” I can’t sit up. I can’t sit up in the chair straight. They said, “Lay on the couch.” It was like they was getting me ready for my funeral. I was just laying there dead. [laughter] [howling laughter] I was dead. [continued laughter] I was dead! [cackling] I was dead! [whooping] Look at that. Trying to hold my coochie ‘cuz I think somebody’s gonna steal it! [uproarious laughter] That’s usually what happens when you sleep like that in public. [Haddish, audience laughing] [Haddish chuckling] [cackling] The shit is horrible! They wake me up. “Come on, come on, get up to the stage. Come on. You gotta get to the stage.” They get me to the stage. I hear them announce me. Right before the announcement, you know, the comic on stage was killing. They killing. I’m like, I’m sitting there. I’m hurting. I’m just… I’m like this. [laughter] [continued laughter] ‘Cuz my kidneys ain’t came back yet. They ain’t… They go, “Tiffany, you ready?” I’m like… “She ready.” [roaring laughter] [continued laughter] They said, “Pull yourself together. Come on!” I said, “Okay, okay.” Said, “You sold out this theater, Tiffany. You sold it out. You’re gonna knock this out the park. Come on.” “Okay. [whimpers] Okay, let’s go.” [laughter] They announced me. I come out. I walk out like ain’t shit wrong with me. [audience laughs] [howling laughter] [clapping] All these people standing up. Thousands of people. Over 4000 people standing on their feet, cheering for me. All these cellphone lights, 3000 cellphone lights up in the air, making it even brighter. And I’m looking out. And my soul looking out. [laughter] And my soul looked at me and said, “Bye, bitch.” [uproarious laughter] [clapping] I said, “Wait! [strained] Wait! Don’t leave!” She said, “Mm-mm, we don’t do cellphones. Cellphones be snitching. We don’t do that. [audience laughs] And that’s why y’all shit locked up till this day. [continued laughing] [clapping] Why y’all shit locked up.” [clapping fading] The next day, the next day, right? [laughs] The next day, I get home. I go to sleep. I wake up. When I open up my phone, it’s like on the front page of Google: “Tiffany Haddish bombs in Miami, does a horrible New Year’s Eve show. Oh my God, it’s horrible.” Right? I’m just like, “Oh, well.” I just tweeted, “Yeah, this happened. I’m so sorry. I’ll make sure I prayed on it. I’ll make sure this never happens again.” Right? And I leave it alone. Hours later, I started getting these phone calls. First, Kevin Hart calls me. [affected accent] “Tiffany! [audience laughs] You alright?” I said, “Yeah, I’m good.” “You sure?” I said, “Yeah, I’m sure.” He said, “You ain’t gonna kill yourself or nothing, are you?” I said, “No. Why would I kill myself?” “Shit. I’m just sayin’.” [blows lips] [chuckles] “What? [indistinct vocalizations] [hissing, coughing] [indistinct vocalizations] The fuck? Kevin? Are you dodging tennis balls? Why are you making this noise?” [audience laughs] “Just making sure you’re good.” “I’m good, Kevin. I’m good.” “All right. All right.” Click. He hanged up. Then I get a call– Oprah Winfrey. [audience whoos] Oprah Winfrey calls me. [affected, drawn out] “Tiffany! [roaring laughter] [clapping] I know that you’re gonna have better shows.” I said, “Thank you, Oprah. When we’re gonna start gardening?” “Gotta call you back. Bye!” [audience laughs] Then Martin Luther King called me. I said, “Well, God damn! [laughing] I’m bringing the dead back with my bad-ass show?” [howling laughter] [clapping, whooing] Now here’s the crazy thing. Here’s the crazy thing. Sinbad called me. Now, to me, that is fucking amazing. Sinbad! He’s a legend. And my mom, my mom is in love with Sinbad. When I was growing up, my mom was pretty mean to me, right? She used to say stuff to me like, “Dang, you bald-headed on the side. I can see your thoughts.” I’m like, “Damn, mom! [roaring laughs] You did my hair.” “Who dressed you? You look like a dirty little kid.” “You dressed me! You, mama!” [laughing] She said some mean stuff to me, like “You look like your ugly-ass daddy. You ain’t gonna be shit.” Well, look at me now, bitch. [cackles] [cheering] [clapping] I started thinking to myself, “My mama, she might be mean to me. But the only reason she’s mean to me is because she knows that I’m the better version of her. [laughing] It’s like she’s Pic ‘N’ Save, and I’m Big Lots. [roaring laughter, cheers] [Haddish laughs] She was in love with Sinbad. She used to talk about Sinbad all the time, right? So when he called me, my first thought was, “I should fuck Sinbad, get pregnant, and make my mama babysit.” [audience laughs] That’s the ultimate revenge right there. [laughing] But then I was like, “Nah, he probably too old.” [laughter] But then we started to talk, right? He said, “Tiffany, how you doing? How you holding up?” I said, “I’m good. I’m holding up good.” He said, “Let me tell you something. I had shows on New Year’s Eve too. And I did bad, man. Two shows. Both of them were really bad.” I said, “For real?” He said, “Yeah, man. But, you know, what’s crazy is, nobody talked about my show. So, you know what that means.” I said, “What?” He said, “Cuz you know, they all talked about you.” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “That means you made it. You a star.” [whooing, clapping] [cheering intensifies] [whoos] But it’s crazy ‘cuz like, [stammering] I’m so always like… I have a big heart. And I feel… I think I feel everything. Like, [clicks tongue] three weeks ago, I was asleep, right? Sleeping good. Then in the middle of the night, two o’clock in the morning, I wake up. And my heart was so hurt. I was just hurting. I don’t know why. And I went ahead, and I tweeted about it, right? I said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why I woke up crying. But I feel much better now that I prayed about it. And I went back to sleep, right? When I woke up– This is how I know I’m famous. When I woke up, that shit was on the front page of my Google again, talking about “Tiffany Haddish claims depression. It says crying was cathartic.” I was like, “First of… [intensifies] What the fuck is ‘cathartic’? [audience laughs] Ain’t no body says shit about catharticism. Okay? I don’t even know what religion that is!” [roaring laughter] Then I looked it up and I was like, “Oh… [laughter] Okay, ‘cathartic’. Alright.” But I didn’t say I was depressed. And I know, I know what depression is, first-hand. I know. I was homeless three different times in my life. I know what the fuck depression is. And they even gave me medication for it. I’mma tell you right now, alright? I don’t like that medication. I don’t like it at all. I rather be moist and crazy… [exhales] [laughing] than dry and sane. That medication dry you up! [cheering, clapping] They dry you up! [whooing] Do you know how hard it is to walk fast when your coochie dry? [laughter] You ever see them older ladies try to cross the street? They had to hunch in like that. They crawled up like a shrimp. Like this, right here. [cackling] When they crawled up like that right there, that mean they coochie dry. [audience laughs] You gotta walk with your legs cocked open like this. You gotta walk slow. [laughing, clapping] ‘Cuz if you move fast, your coochie’s just gonna blow up. [puffs into mic] [laughing] It’s gonna catch on fire. Gotta put Carmex on your lips and shit. [whooing] [audience laughs] Sorry, that was funny to me. [laughter] I did that one time. It tingled too much. [screaming cackles] Carmex is not for your coochie lips, just so you know. [audience laughs] They should put that on the container. [laughing] But it was crazy to me ‘cuz people keep talking about it, they were talking about it like, “Oh, Tiffany’s claiming her depression.” And I was not depressed. I just felt hurt for a moment. And I cried and I think personally, me, I believe that crying is a removal of old beliefs and a replacement of new ones. You gotta remember, see, we were all born crying. That was your first mode of communication. That’s the first way you communicate, crying. Like babies, that’s their first way to communicate, right? Nobody goes, the baby be in the bed, sleeping. The baby’s like– [wailing] [giggling] Nobody’s like, [laughing] “That baby is manic. [continued laughing] Somebody get that baby some Paxil, please.” [howling laughter] [clapping] [chuckles] But nobody says those babies need therapy. Nobody says those babies need any kind of drugs. All they say is “Hold the baby. Love the baby. Talk to the baby. Communicate with the baby.” So what does that say that we need? Somebody to hold us sometimes, love on us, communicate with us. [cheering] And then maybe, [whooing] maybe you won’t feel so fucked up! [audience laughs] [uproarious cheers] Any questions? I’m here to teach. [audience laughs] Speaking of babies, I was at this party, right? I was at this party and it was popping. And Drake’s dad was there. I don’t know if y’all seen Drake’s dad. [woman whoos] You know who Drake is, right? The rapper? Well, his dad was at the party, so was Drake. But his dad was there. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seen him, but he looked like the black Inspector Gadget. [laughing] Mixed with Super Fly. [whooing] And he was talking to me. He was like, “Tiffany, you got a very bright career ahead of you. You plan on having any kids? You plan on having any babies? I was like, “Ah, I don’t know. If God want me to, maybe in the next two or three years. Maybe. Otherwise, I’ll just adopt. Get some foster kids or something like that.” He said, “Well, you let me know. [laughing] Let me know. I make stars. You know, Drake is my son. Heh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I know. Hold on one second, Mister Gadget.” [laughter] “Drake. Drake. Drake, Drake! Drake! Drake.” [laughing] He’s like, “What, Tiff, what?” [clears throat] “Can I talk to you for a sec? Come here. Let me talk to you for a second.” He was like, “What? What’s up?” “Look here, Drake. [stammers] I would much rather be your baby mama… than your step mama. Get your daddy, n*gga. [roaring laughter] Get your daddy! [whooing] Get him!” [cheering, clapping] You know what’s crazy, is like– One of the things that I learned in life is like how to survive, right? Like I’m a survivor. [giggles] Mm. [laughs] [laughing] [chuckles] And when I was younger, it was so crazy ‘cuz like I would hook up with dudes ‘cuz I was like so hungry. I weighed like a hundred pounds and I was starving. And I would like, you know, go out for dinner and lunch, and breakfast, and… [audience laughs] [laughs] I was hungry. And… I’d be like, “Oh shoot, my cycle late. Oh my God, what am I going to do? And then I would just go to Six Flags and I would get on every roller coaster [laughing] like six or seven times and I drink a fifth of Hennessy. And… [laughter] Then my cycle would start. That’s how you do… [whooing] an abortion on a budget. [cackling] [clapping] That was the late 1900s. [giggles] [continued laughter] [Haddish exhales slowly] Yup. But it’s not even a joke. It’s the truth. That’s when… [clapping] That’s what you learn in foster care, thinking like, “How am I gonna get rid of this!” I can’t afford Planned Parenthood. [audience laughs] “You got Coca-Cola cans?” “Yeah. Six Flags.” [roaring laughter] [clapping] [cackling] I don’t think either one of these companies is gonna sponsor me. [laughing, whooing] But I ain’t got no kid! [laughs] [audience laughs] [continued laughing] It’s what happens when you raise yourself. It’s the shit I learned, man. It’s the things I’m just here to teach. [laughing, clapping] [cheering] One of the valuable lessons I learned in life that I think every woman should know is, you know… Never let anybody with dirty hands touch your cuckoo. [laughter] I learned this lesson the hard way in life. I learned it the hard way. I was about 17, right? I was on the school bus, alright? It was after the track practice, and this boy I liked or whatever, and he is like, you know, we was making out. He’s like, “Can I touch your coochie?” I was like, “Okay.” [audience laughs] And I let him touch it. Next day, I was itching like a motherfucker. [laughing] I was itching bad. I was like, “Oh, shit. Something’s wrong.” And I went to my homegirl and I was like, [inhales] “Girl, [cackles] I think he gave me AIDS.” [howling laughter] She was like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “My coochie itching really bad. I’m pretty sure it’s AIDS.” She was like, “No, Tiffany. I heard my mom talking about this. You just need to put– It’s something white. Yeah, mayonnaise. Put mayonnaise on. [screaming laughter] I was like, “What?” She was like, “Yeah, put mayonnaise on it.” So I went home. I put mayonnaise on my cuckoo. [audience laughs] I went to sleep. When I woke up, my left coochie lip was gone, y’all. [screaming laughter] [clapping] My whole left lip was gone. My right lip was on super swole. I was like, “Uh-oh. I’m growing a penis. [cackling] I’m going through the change.” [continued laughing] So I thought, “Or maybe… Okay, maybe I’m not going through the change. Maybe it’s just an infection. What Grandma say if you get an infection? Oh yeah, put some peroxide on it.” [audience oohs] So… [blowing hard into mic] [audience laughs] My coochie looked like it had rabies. [laughing] I was foaming. It was bad. [chuckles] [continued laughing] I went to her, she’s like, “Girl, you stupid.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Nobody raised me, bitch! I’m just going off things that I hear from other people! [laughing] This is why I’m glad there’s the Internet now. This was the 1900s. The bitch didn’t know no better. [laughing, clapping] [continued laughing] [Haddish snickering] It was so bad. I went back to sleep. I went to bed to sleep. When I woke up, my right coochie lip looked like it was a hot dog in the microwave for too long. [audience laughs] [screaming laughter] We’re not gonna show that image. [roaring laughter] [clapping] [whoos] Turns out I just had a yeast infection on steroids. So what did we learn from this? Dirty nails, dirty D. That motherfucker can’t touch me. [laughing] And… [clapping] Don’t put mayonnaise on your pussy. [chuckles] [audience laughs] [clapping, cheering] You know, when I was homeless in the city full of my family members, right? And this is the thing, like, now that I’m successful, family members feel like they could just ask me for money. Just ask me, just like, like I owe them. Like, wait, hold up, bitch. [laughing] When I was sleeping in my Geo Metro two-door hatchback and it was middle of winter, and I asked if I could come over and sleep on your couch and you told me no. [shouts of affirmation] Why do you think I’mma give you a dime? [audience laughs] “Because blood is thicker than the cold.” No, it ain’t, bitch! [gruff] I’m still cold in my heart. [laughing] I ain’t forgot! [cheering] I ain’t forgot! Wait till I get Alzheimer’s and then ask me for some shit. [audience laughs] [Haddish giggles] That’s how I feel. ‘Cuz I work my ass off. I work really, really, really hard. [woman whoos] And I work so hard because I want to bless the ones that did look out for me. Like my granny, she looked out. So now she needs a little help, I got her staying in my house. And you know, [chuckles] I love her to death, but she is a major cock-blocker. I can’t even have sex in my house. [audience laughs] She’s a super cock-blocker. I didn’t block no cock from her. But… [laughing] Nam sayin’? She had five kids, four baby daddies. Ain’t nobody stop her. [roaring laughter] [continued laughing] Let me bring a man in the house, she hear a man, she in there clappin’ like it’s church Sunday or somethin’. She– [laughs] And then we talking like, “Yeah, so, ah, so, ah, you… you wanna make out? He’s like, “Oh yeah.” Starting touch on my waist. And then you hear my grandma: [popping claps] [audience laughs] [yelling] “What y’all doing up in there? Bring me in. Let me look at it!” [laughing, clapping] [stammering] “You, you live– You live with somebody?” “She live with me.” [audience laughs] [cackling] Always blocking! That’s why I ain’t had no dick all last year. [laughter] [Haddish snickering] It’s all good. I’m fixing up her house. I’m actually trying to buy her a house just so I can put her in there so I can get some dick in mine. [audience laughs] [clapping, whooing] I’m dead fucking serious. [giggles] It’s not a joke. [laughter] [Haddish chuckles] A lot of my– Since I’ve been getting popular, you know, a lot of my exes have been popping up. A lot of my exes have been popping up and what I have realized is that like I don’t know what it is about my vagina, but… [sighs] These dudes, they don’t want to get they life straight. They don’t get they life together, but they all get braces. [howling laughter] And I’m trying to figure out what is it about my pussy that make you decide once we break up, “I’mma get my teeth together.” [laughing] It’s always the dudes I think got money but they don’t got no damn money. [audience laughs] And I’m not — I figured out what my favorite kind of man is. It used to be like a fit man with abs and stuff, you know, like I used to love that but I realized they are fucking broke. [laughing] That’s why they got abs. [audience laughs] They hungry just like I was. [laughter] And it’s hard to fuck a skinny dude. Like I love to ride. I’mma rider! I’mma rider! [laughs] [cackling] [clapping] Sometimes you be riding on a skinny guy, he got a flat-ass belly and shit. Them bones. Them bones be rubbing up against your thighs, make it look like you’ve been pole dancing all night and shit. [cackling] All bruised up in this motherfucker ’cause he’s so god damn skinny. [Haddish giggles] I like how some woman in the back was like, “Shit!” [laughter] ‘Cuz she just fucked a skinny dude yesterday. [audience laughs] This bullshit here. That shit be hurting! But they do have D, though. And you trying to ride. You’re like, “I’mma sit on this…” [laughter] You be tryin’ to ride you like, “Yeah.” But they so fucking skinny, they ain’t got nothing to stop you from sliding up to the front [laughing] and busting him in the mouth, like, “Well, there you go. Go on and eat that. That’s for you right there. That’s fast food. I’m up here at your mouth already, might as well open up.” Ah… [roaring laughter] That’s why I prefer like a more heavyset dude. Like a dude with a little gut on ’em. That’s what I prefer, a little belly. Little… [blows raspberry] [audience laughs] Look like he got a lot of parasites. [laughing] Bloated like you, sir. [whooing] First off, I know you can cook. [audience laughs] I know I ain’t gonna be hungry. [chuckles] And you got that little belly on you. Mm… [laughter] That’s that coochie bumper. That keep you from falling off. [laughing] Get on that. You can lay down. He lay down like that. He put that mofuka up. [Haddish exhales] [laughter] “There you go your dick, there it go. Okay. [Haddish laughs] [audience laughs] [soft voice] Okay, there it go. I’m feeling now. Hey dick…. [audience laughs] You ready to disappear in this pussy?” [laughing] He’s like, “Stop playing and get on that mofuka.” “Alright.” [laughter] You climb up on that shit like you on a ride at Six Flags. “Okay.” [laughing] You lock in right there. He let that belly down. Pop! That land on your thighs. [howling laughter] Now you can’t move, bitch. All you can do is this. Right here. That’s it. ‘Cuz that belly hold you down. [screaming laughter] [cackling, clapping] “Ooh…” [laughs] [audience laughs] You riding on that dick like, “Whee! [laughing] Now come on, suck on my titties.” He’s like, “Whoever titty’s the biggest gets sucked on first.” Like, “Shit!” [audience laughs] [whooping] [Haddish puckering] When you really take the time to really look at a penis, it’s nothing but a vagina that fell out. [laughter] [continued laughter] I mean, if you really look at it, you can tell. Like… The testicles are the ovaries. The sack is the uterus. The shaft is the vaginal canal. And the tip is a clitoris. Your pussy fell out. [cackling, cheering] [clapping] Scientific proven fact. It’s a fact. Every single one of us humans, we start out as female. The first three months, you start out as female. Then the chromosome kicks in. That’s why God felt bad for y’all, men. God felt bad and gave you strong arms and strong legs. [laughter] So you can hold on to things ‘cuz you couldn’t hold onto your pussy. So. [howling laughter] He felt bad. [continued laughter] [whooping, clapping] [Haddish snickering] [sighs] My favorite part is to watch a man sleeping with no clothes on and just to look at his balls. [audience laughs] Balls never ever stop moving. Balls are always in motion. [laughing] They never stop moving. That’s how– If I’m like, “Oh, is he dead?” I just look at his balls. I don’t even check to see if he breathing. [cackling] Balls be like this… [roaring laughter] [whooing] [continued laughter] When you get close to them, if you get close, all the wrinkles come out. They’ll be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] [clapping] If you move back, they’ll be like, “Why did you leave?” Looking like elephant knees and shit. [laughter] That’s just some of the things I’ve learned in life. [laughing] Knowledge. [laughs] It’s so stupid, but I feel like, later on, like in the next month or so, y’all gonna reflect back on that, like, “That was really good knowledge.” [audience laughs] [clapping] That– that is helpful. [cheering] Are you praying for me, sir? [chuckles] He’s like, [gruff] “Oh, shit.” [laughter] [Haddish laughs] [audience laughing] You know religion is something that, to me, I’m always trying to figure it out religion, right? Like, I’ve tried them all. I literally have tried all the religions, okay? I tried Scientology and I realize I can’t fuck with that. They got bunk beds. I don’t do bunk beds. [audience laughs] Catholicism, I tried that. But they get up and down too much. And then the wine ain’t real. They givin’ you grape juice and shit in like fake-ass paper crackers. Where the fuck is the seasoning? [laughter] Jehovah Witness. I like Jehovah Witnesses because for your– Like, first off, you get exercise ‘cuz you walking around from door to door, right? And they give you the best butterscotch candies ever. [audience laughs] [Haddish chuckles] Some people know what I’m talking about, some people are like, “They give out candy?” [audience laughs] For every Watchtower you get a butterscotch. [laughter] That’s when I was a kid. And through all of that, [stammering] I realized like, Judaism, I love it, but you have to know Hebrew. You have to know this. You gotta be a certain way. You gotta do all these things. And I’ve been to like over 500 bar mitzvahs. And I’m tired of people telling me to go to the kitchen. “No, motherfucker, I’m supposed to be here.” [howling laughter] [exasperated exhale] So now I’m just, I’m spiritual. I’m very spiritual, okay? I’m a spiritual person. [cheering] [clapping] But there’s something that’s really been bothering me a lot. And I don’t know if y’all noticed this, but have y’all seen these billboards all over the cities? Like no matter what city I go to, no matter where I’m at, I see billboards for the Shenyun. [audience laughs] The Shenyun. Has anybody ever been to this Shen– Is this a religion or a cult? What the fuck is a Shenyun? [laughter] Has anybody ever seen this? Has anybody? Oh, you been? I went to look them up on YouTube to see like what do they do at the Shenyun. Maybe they got a video or a little advertisement. And I was like watching. And I was like, “Oh, they just dance? That’s it? They just dance? I could be in the Shenyun.” Now, I would love to be the first… ‘Cuz like every black person wants to be the first black person to do something. [laughter] So I want to be the first African-American Jew to be in a Shenyun performance. [audience laughs] [roaring laughter] [clapping] That’s one that’s on Crenshaw. That’s on Crenshaw. [continued laughter] You can see that billboard on Crenshaw and 48th. [giggles] [laughing] That’s me in the Shenyun. It’s crazy, speaking of dancing, like, I’ve always wanted to be like a professional dancer. And when I was younger, a bunch of my friends, they started like dancing in the strip club, right? And this is when we was kind of poor, and I was like a hundred pounds. And I was like, “Oh, man, they was making money.” I thought maybe I can get in there and get on the pole. I could dance, right? [audience laughs] So it’s like… I said, “I’mma audition. I’mma audition for, you know, be a stripper.” [laughs] [laughter] And I went in that audition, I was like… [humming tune] [howling laughter] [clapping] They was like, “Get your ass off the stage.” [laughs] Apparently pop-lockin’ and moonwalking is not stripper dancing. [laughter] And then I was like, “Can I be a waitress?” They was like, “Hell no. You probably gonna steal the food.” And they was right. [audience laughs] So then I would just hang out with my homegirls and pick up they money for them or whatever and just like be there with them. And as I was there, I started to realize like the laziest strippers will make the most fucking money. [laughter] Lazy-ass ain’t-doing-shit-ass strippers. Y’all wanna see my impersonation of a lazy stripper? [cheering] [whooing] DJ, kick that music. [“Too Much” by Tiffany Haddish playing] [audience cheering] [laughter] [clapping, laughing] [cheering] [laughter] [“Too Much” continuing] [indistinct vocals] [laughing] [howling laughter] [cheering, clapping] [continued laughing] [cackling] [clapping] [roaring laughter] [cheering] [clapping] [whooing] [cheering] [whoos] That’s a lazy stripper, y’all. [“Too Much” fading] Thank y’all for the few dollars. [cheering] [man whoos] I ain’t giving that shit back neither. [audience laughs] You know what? In closing, I’d just like to say, thank you to every single one of y’all that came out here this evening. [uproarious cheers] Thank you to every single one of y’all that came out. Thank you to every single person that’s sitting at home watching this. I’m only on this planet to teach. I know my purpose. I’m here to teach. Maybe it’s not the proper way to teach [laughter] but fuck it, you’re gonna learn today. [clapping, cheering] I’m Tiffany Haddish. Good night. [yelling] She ready! [“Too Much” playing] [cheering continues] [whooing] [indistinct vocals] [clapping, cheering continuing] [“Too Much” playing] ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ Walk it out, turn around ♪ ♪ Drop it low, hit the ground ♪ ♪ Break it down ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Michelle Wolf: Joke Show (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michelle-wolf-joke-show-transcript/

It seems like… It seems like over the past couple of years, we’ve developed this amazing ability to get mad at anyone for any reason. Like, I saw otters in real life, which was very exciting for me. I love otters, big fan. So, I post about it on Instagram, ’cause that’s how you prove that life happens. And then this woman responds to me. She was like, “You know, I used to love otters too…” “…but then my husband told me that otters rape baby seals. I just thought you should know. Be better.” Okay. Uh, couple things. What’s going on with your marriage? How is that where you’re at conversationally? He wanted to ruin otters for you. He had to look up that fact. It’s true, by the way. But he had to look that up. That’s not something they’re just giving away on Planet Earth. He had to do a deep dive. Much like that otter did into the seal. No, don’t you start groaning already! But, also, she told me this ’cause she thought she knew me. She’s like, “I’m a fan of yours, and you’re a comedian, which must mean you’re a good person.” “So I know once you hear this fact about otters, you will change your tune. You’ll be on the right side of history. You definitely won’t use this in a bit.” “Otters rape baby seals. I thought you should know.” You don’t know me! Maybe that’s why I like otters. Maybe I think seals have been getting away with too much for too long. Also, whatever you do, you gotta stop saying “rape.” These are animals. No animals are asking for consent. What kind of weird, fairy tale animal sex happens in your head? How do you think your Labradoodle was made? Aww! Did you think a Lab just fell in love with a poodle? That they saw each other from across a field and thought, “Let’s make hypoallergenic puppies”? Some breeder was like, “A happy accident, love wins.” There are two ways you’re getting a Labradoodle. Either some dog breeder jerked off a Lab, and then shoved that jizz into a poodle, or it was puppy rape. You can choose whichever one makes you feel better about life, but it was definitely one of those two. This wasn’t Lady and the Tramp, this was two dogs, one cup. And for the otters, if you want to say rape, all right, how do you know? Did you talk to the seal? Did you get a statement? For all you know, the seal could have been up on a rock and been like, “Hey, otter, want to make a new animal?” And, yeah, an otter-seal hybrid? The cutest animal in the world? I will hold the seal down. And you only care ’cause seals are cute. If I was up here being like, “Otters rape rats,” you’d be like, “Good, ’bout time.” You don’t have to have a stance on everything. You can just like some things. It’s okay. You can find bad information about everything out there. You can look it up on your phone that was made by a child. And you can find bad information about every single thing out there, but you’ll make yourself miserable. You’re too woke, go back to sleep a little. It’s not like I was posting pictures of Kim Jong-un, being like, “He seems like a fun guy.” Which, if you only look at pictures of Kim Jong-un, he does seem like a fun guy. We can’t wait to hate people. We can’t wait to have them canceled, and because of that, we get mad before we get logical. Like, me liking otters could have very easily turned into, “Michelle Wolf loves rape.” And, sure, I have a fantasy, but I don’t love that I have it. Social media has made every opinion valuable, especially if it causes a controversy. Like, right now it’s tweets and Instagram, but before that it was blogs, and before that it was manifestos. I personally love manifestos because you know when someone writes one of them, they’re fucking crazy. And that’s all your tweets are. Your tweets are just teeny manifestos. And you know what blogs are, right? Blogs are a conversation no one wanted to have with you. Even when you were typing it, your computer was like, “I hope I die, I hate this.” We have such strong opinions, and we can’t just let them be opinions, we have to fight over who’s right and wrong. I’m fighting with my friends. Like, I have a friend, she’s really worried about immigrants coming in and taking our jobs, and I’m like, “Well, you’re a stay-at-home mom.” Ball’s sort of in your court on that one. I’m much more worried about Americans taking immigrant jobs. I got a massage from a Midwestern white lady. Felt like a cat was walking on my back for an hour. And not like an angry or a hungry cat, just a happy cat. Trying to find a place to sleep. Then, a couple weeks later, I got a massage from a Korean man, and he pressed into my back with the pressure that he had left his whole family behind. That’s a great massage! You need a massage from someone who’s been through something. You can’t get a massage from a woman named Meredith, where the worst thing that ever happened to her is the one time she got bangs. Plus, you don’t want a massage from someone who wants to give you a massage. You want a massage from someone who has to give you a massage. These are two very different people. Someone who wants– Someone who wants to touch your naked back for an hour? That’s a serial killer. Someone who has to give you a massage? Someone who’s like, “This fucking piece of shit… comes in here and says her neck is sore from sleeping wrong? I work 70 hours a day. I live three states away and I bike to work, and this piece of shit…” And the whole time you’re thinking, “This is a great massage.” Such strong opinions. This same friend, she’s one of those people– She doesn’t understand why some people can’t afford health care. Uh, she’s really rich and she’s not a good person. It is though, it’s really hard for a lot of people to afford health care. It’s particularly hard for women to get maternity care. And I do think part of the problem is that women, we’re still too cute about all the stuff that happens to our bodies. We gotta stop being cute. Like, when we have a baby, we say it’s a miracle. Stop it. These men hear “miracle,” and they’re like, “Yeah, so why do you need health care? It’s a miracle.” First of all, having a baby is not a miracle. A miracle is going to bed with one foot and then waking up with two feet. “Oh, it’s a miracle. I gotta go shoe shopping. Get some of those lefts.” Having a baby is not a miracle, it’s a natural disaster. And we need to describe it like one so we get the health care that we deserve. Like, when Florida gets hit with a hurricane, they send help because they show you how bad it is. They’re not like, “And then Florida was kissed with wind by God.” No, they send reporters, they show pictures, they get testimonials. That’s what we have to do after birth. Get a reporter in there, put ’em in one of those weird raincoats. Like, “I’m here in Martha’s vagina, and things are bleak. Roads and bridges are out. Man cannot survive. Debris is everywhere. I have Martha’s husband here, let’s see what he has to say.” “I mean, you try to prepare, and, uh…” “Well, it’s just… my home is gone.” Gotta stop being cute! Same thing with periods, too cute about those. “Periods,” that’s not even the right name for it. All the names for periods suck. “Period,” “time of the month,” “Aunt Flo.” They all suck. You know what we should call a period? A period should be called: “bloody tissue falling out of a hole.” If you went into work… and you were like, “Hey, I got bloody tissue falling out of a hole,” they’d be like, “Yeah, take the week.” I know, I talk about periods a lot, and I know, men, I know they’re gross. Women know they’re gross. We– We get it. There’s never a time we wake up and we’re like, “Oh, I’m so excited to clean up a crime scene.” It does make you wonder, though. Are there more women who murder? We’ve just been so good at getting out blood. A skill we learned at age 11. Like, “No one must know.” Yeah, I clean out my vagina once a month, I think I can clean up a body twice a year. Periods are gross. I know they’re gross, but I talk about them a lot because I want men to be more comfortable. But then, I was thinking how women, how we would act if men were the ones who got periods. And you know what? I don’t think we would be very nice. I think as soon as a man got his period, we’d be like, “Get in the shed, Kevin. Kevin, get in the shed. No, you’re very leaky. And when you’re in the house, you’re only on the linoleum. Don’t you– Don’t you dare go in my living room. That is a new slip cover and you’re very leaky. You’re just like your father.” Of course, women, I also think we’d have to participate a lot more in male periods. You know? But you know, women, we would have to be the ones to remind men to change their tampons. You know we would. We’d have to be like, “When was the last time… you changed your tampon? Babe? Babe?” “Oh, it was, um… Oh… oh… three years ago. But I took it out, I flipped it around, and I put it back in, so…” “Oh, no, little buddy.” I think that’s probably what male tampons would be called: “little buddies.” And I do think they’d be more fun. I think men would have more fun with this. Like, all the strings would have little superheroes on the ends. One would just have, like, Spider-Man shooting up a web. Another one’s got Batman. It’s like, “When Batman’s face turns red, get him out of the cave.” I probably just upset some men. They were like, “I was on board with this whole male period thing, until you combined DC and Marvel. How are they supposed to be in the same box when they’re not even in the same universe?” But the more I think about men having periods, the more it feels like it fits society better. Like, you know how women, how, like, when we get our period, we get, like, a little bit emotional? Just a little. You probably don’t even notice. And if you dare say anything about it, we get really angry. You know, you’ll be like, “Is it–” You’re hiding behind a couch. “Is this– is this ’cause of your period?” And we’ll be, like, “No! I mean, a little, but no. These feelings are… justified!” I think that time would be very different if men got periods. I think we’d really look forward to it. We’d be like, “Are you about to get emotional? Yeah, let’s do this. Uh, where’d we leave off? Your dad, kindergarten, go.” We’d cancel plans all the time. We’d be like, “I’m so sorry, I can’t go to book club, my husband’s about to get his period, and we’re gonna cry together.” And, like, when we first get our periods, a lot of us are in school, and we’re really quiet about it. You know, we’ll whisper, we’ll be like… “Hey, does anyone have, like, a tampon, or, um, a sock, or… or, like, a really big Band-Aid?” Like, even when you get home, your mom will come talk to you about it, but she’s still quiet. You know, she’s like… “So you got your period? Do you have any questions?” “Yeah, do we still have to whisper here?” “Yeah, the cat’s in the house.” I think, uh, men would be quite loud about their periods. I think, first of all, regardless if it were true or not, every man would want you to know that he has a very heavy flow. “I have a heavy flow and an important job! You can ask anyone in college. They called me The Flowmeister.” I think dads– Dads would be so excited when their son got his period. You know, he’d be like, “My boy is a man. Come out here, son.” The son comes out of the bathroom, there’s blood on his legs, he’s like… “Yeah!” Takes it, wipes it under his eyes. “Rambo: First Blood!” The dad’s like, “Son, I don’t want to get too emotional about this because we both do have our periods… I’ve already synced up with my boy.” “I don’t want to get too emotional about this, but I did want to give you something. It’s a Captain America tampon.” It was my father’s. Just remember to flip it around before you…” Gross, gross, disgusting. I was thinking about it. Like, could you even– Could you even put a tampon back in after you took it out? You know, it’d be, like, all squishy. Ugh. Gross, I know. I think we’d be able to figure it out, though, you know? We seem to be able to do it with your semi-hard penises. Yeah, we didn’t have to go there, but here we are. Just really turned down that street and now we live here. It’s gross. The stuff that happens to women is gross. Periods, gross. Birth? That’s– That’s one of the reasons I’m not sure I want to have kids. Birth seems terrible. And I don’t care how many times you try to trick me with those adorable pictures of your new baby up against your chest. I know underneath that sheet is a car accident. Like, if an insurance guy came by, he’d be like, “No, it’s totaled.” “The best we can do here is a rental.” All of a sudden, the husband perks up. He’s like, “Well, what kind of rental are we talking about? Like, a mid-sized Japanese?” Birth is gross, but it’s crazy, ’cause, like, humans are the only animals that seem to have that much trouble giving birth. You ever watch other animals give birth? You can find it online. It’s not porn. Unless you want it to be. Anything’s porn if you masturbate to it. Just take that one home with you. I would give birth– I would give birth if we could give birth like giraffes. First of all, there’s a lady giraffe, she doesn’t even look pregnant, she looks great. She has, like, a summer body. Spots are in, she looks amazing. And then, all of a sudden, out of what I can only assume is her gaping vagina, a baby giraffe just falls six feet to the ground. The bitch doesn’t even bend her knees! She’s just like, “Life’s hard, learn it now!” There’s a crumpled, gooey giraffe at her feet. She doesn’t make a face, she doesn’t make a sound, she just walks away, and she’s like, “Are you coming? We’re late.” “Fix your wobbly legs or you’re gonna die.” Seems like a good mom. I don’t know– I don’t know if I want to have a baby, because I don’t think I’d be that responsible. Like, I would want to breastfeed, but only because I want to use breast milk the way a clown uses a flower with water in it. Like, always going up to people, like, “Hey, how are you? Pew, pew!” I’d try to get a job as a tollbooth operator. Like, “Sorry, E-ZPass is down, but keep the change.” I don’t know if I should have a baby because I don’t think childhood should be fun. I think childhood should be miserable so the rest of your life feels pretty okay. Like, think about it. We were all kids. We were kids and we believed in magic. And then a bunch of shit happened, and now we’re like, “When can we drink?” It, like, makes me jealous of those kids that are born in a basement to a kidnapped mom, because… I’m gonna justify, you guys gotta trust me. …because there’s no way the second half of that kid’s life isn’t better. He escapes, he’s like, “Yeah, I’m an accountant, I have a window. This is amazing.” “I know what day it is. And, like, of the week, not 8,942.” By the way, do you think those guys that have those basement prison families… What? I think about ’em a lot. I think– I think I’m like most women. I think about what I would do if I ever got kidnapped. But this is how competitive I am. I don’t think about how I would escape, I think about how I become the upstairs lady. Like, I try to tell jokes, I always put the lotion in the basket. And then one day he’s like, “Claire!” That’s not my name, it’s the name he gave me. “Claire, to the living room.” And I’m like… “Yeah!” I high-five all the other women on the way up. You know, but they’re in cages, so I only get their fingertips. They think I’m gonna save them, but I’m loyal. Anyway, I’ve thought about it… a tiny bit. But those guys that have those basement prison families, do you think they build the basement prison first? Like, do you think they’re part of the “if you build it” community? Or do you think they kidnap a lady, and then they’re like, “I am so sorry, I’m not prepared”? “Honestly, I can’t believe you got in the van. That was crazy, I wouldn’t have done that. I’m gonna have to run to Home Depot. Don’t go anywhere. Just kidding, you can’t, you’re chained to a radiator.” Yeah, that… That joke got dark. I think the whole point of that joke is, check your neighbor’s basement. Once a year, randomly, especially if he’s a nice guy. ‘Cause we all watch those murder documentaries. We all watch them, right before bed, for some reason. And they interview the neighbors, and the neighbors always say the same thing. The neighbors are always like, “Well, you know, I just can’t believe it. I’m shocked. Well, he was always such a nice guy.” Yeah, of course he’s nice. He’s doing the thing he loves. Not a lot of people get to follow their passions. If you’re ever talking to your neighbor and you’re like, “How’s it going?” and he’s like, “Every day is better than the last,” check his basement! Anyway, I’m not sure if I should have a baby. I do know I can have a baby, I can get pregnant. This is gonna be an abortion joke, put on your hats. A lot of people don’t think you should talk about your own abortion. I think it’s rude to talk about someone else’s. Plus, I’d rather talk about my abortion than hear about your gluten allergy. Anytime I’m at dinner with someone when they’re like, “I can’t have the rolls ’cause of the gluten,” I’m like, “So I walked into the office…” And that’s just the part about how I got pregnant. I like to start stories from the beginning. And a lot of people think that even if you’re allowed to get abortions, it should only be for a very few specific reasons. Well, I think you should be able to get an abortion for any reason you want. -Yeah. Like, you don’t want a baby. It’s not the right time for you. It’s not the right guy. You’re a redhead and he’s a redhead and you’re worried the baby’s gonna be translucent. And supporters, people even that support abortion, you know, they’re like, “But it is a big deal, you shouldn’t be cavalier about it, it is a big deal. You know, you should take your time making the decision. I mean, not too much time, but you should take your time.” It can be any deal you want it to be. It’s your abortion, it’s your deal. If it’s a big deal for you, it’s a big deal. If it’s not, it’s not. Both are correct. -Yeah. My abortion, not a big deal for me. I left work, I got an abortion, I drank half a LaCroix, and then I went back to work. Not a big deal. And I also think, a pretty good advertisement for LaCroix. “LaCroix, get right back to work after your abortion. Now in Totally Gone Tangerine.” And we don’t talk about abortion in a real way. We talk about it in a very legislative way, but not in a real way. So, I think a lot of women have a lot of apprehension surrounding it. You know, we talk about it so negatively that you feel like you should have this sense of shame after you get an abortion. Well, you can feel any way you want after you get an abortion. Get one, see how you feel. You know how my abortion made me feel? Very powerful. You know how people say you can’t play God? I walked out of there being like, “Move over Morgan Freeman, I am God!” And then I crossed the street very carefully. That was the perfect time for God to be like, “You’re not God, bitch, here’s a bus.” And a lot of people think, even if you support abortion, you’re a monster. Well, you know why I had to get an abortion? Why I had to get one? ‘Cause I’m a very nice person. I did one of the nicest things you can do. I said, “Sure! You can cum inside of me!” That is one of the nicest things you can do! Every man in here should be applauding me! I’m a good example. And, yes, that is how I talk during sex. “Sure, you can cum inside of me! Man, this is fun. Jeez Louise.” And guys are like, “With a voice like that, definitely get an abortion.” I’m like, “With a voice like this, I can’t believe you came. Careful around fire trucks.” Oh, you think this gets any less shrill when things are being poked inside of me? No, it does not! That one hurt my ears a little. I’m– Clearly, I’m a feminist, or at least I try to be a good feminist, but I found out recently that I’m not feminist enough for some feminists, which is so like them. You know, not the easiest group to please. And you know how sometimes it’s annoying to talk to some men about feminism, ’cause, they’re like, “Yeah, I don’t like feminists, they want all men to die.” And I’m like, “That’s not what we want.” And then I ran into these feminists that were like, “That is what we want.” Okay, this seems unsustainable. You know, just biologically. But also, what a stereotypical female thing to do. Women want other women to be perfect. And it’s crazy because I know you can settle. I’ve seen your husbands. It’s why I worry that women will never get ahead. We’re more than half the population. We could take over, but we’re our own worst enemy. We’re never good enough for one another, we’re always tearing each other down. Like, you can see, as soon as women started to organize, you could see some men get nervous. They were mostly younger men. They were like, “Women, they’re organizing.” But older men knew. Older men were like, “Yeah, don’t worry, it’s gonna fall apart.” “No, believe me, my wife’s been in nine book clubs. We’re not even allowed to drive down a street of a lady she doesn’t like. Okay, that one might be because I fucked that lady, that’s maybe…” “But she did forgive me and not her, so…” Oh, too close to home? I try to be a good feminist. I get mad, though. I get mad at some of the stuff we’re fighting for, because we’re, um, wrong. One of the things that makes me really angry is when I hear other women say, “Well, women are just as physically strong as men.” Oh, no… we’re not. Man are stronger and faster than us. That’s just how it is, it’s biological. I’m not happy about it either. But I’m not gonna argue it ’cause I’m not an idiot. There’s probably some women in here right now that are, like, “No. Serena!” No, she’s not as good as the men. And before you get angry, I’m not saying she’s not amazing. She could beat you, the man who gets tired during missionary. But the best women in the world at tennis are not as good as the best men. That’s why they put the women together in general. It’s not ’cause they’re hoping they’ll scissor at the end. That also, for the record, is not why they put the men together either. There is– There’s no scissoring in tennis, and, boy, did I make a fool of myself. It just– It’s so frustrating for women to fight that we’re just as strong as men. First of all, because it’s not true. But, also, it has nothing to do with equality. The reason we haven’t had a female president isn’t because she couldn’t do enough push-ups. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a lot of our presidents have been very weak. FDR wasn’t sitting with a blanket across his legs ’cause he was warming ’em up for squat thrusts. One of our presidents got stuck in a bathtub. Taft got stuck in a bathtub. How do we not talk about that every single day? How is there not a store called “Taft’s Baths, too big to get stuck in.” Equality is not about making men and women the same, it’s about valuing one another and making sure we’re all getting opportunities. Like, women, I think we’re very comfortable saying we’re better at some stuff than men are. And if we’re gonna say that, we have to let men say they’re better at some stuff than we are. We can’t steal it all. We’re not men. Like, let– Let men have stronger, that’s fine. We’re better at other things. Like, women, we’re better at being people. And this… this is how dumb men are. Men could learn to do the thing we’re good at. We are never gonna be as strong as them, but men could learn how to say, “Are you okay?” Women, we should just admit this has never been about equality. You don’t want to be equal, you want to be better than men! Admit it! You want to do to men what men did to us. You want to rule the world. You want to line the streets with tampons and fill the fountains with Chardonnay. You want to repeat what a man said in the meeting and have a boss go, “Good idea, Cheryl.” You want to hold power in your hands, and that’ll never happen because men will knock it away with their strong, strong arms. Just settle for equality, and maybe a place to breastfeed that isn’t a closet. ‘Cause we are. We’re getting really– We’re getting really mad at men these days. We’re blaming a lot on men. Especially white men. We’re really going after you guys pretty hard. And I’m not saying you don’t deserve it. You have been sneaky little devils. Tricksters, even. But I do think white women, it’s our turn to admit that we are also part of the problem. I know, it’s really uncomfortable. White women are like, “I did not come here for this.” Others are like, “Me? No, you can’t blame me! I didn’t do anything!” Yes. Exactly. We just sat there the whole time being like, “I mean, I guess. I don’t know.” Plus, some of the stuff white men did, I can’t even believe was their idea. Like, some of the stuff was too clever. Like, when we gave Native Americans blankets with smallpox, that was definitely a woman’s idea. That has “mean girl” written all over it. A man would have just been, like, “We’ll stab ’em and throw ’em in a river.” And then, a woman was like, “No, no. Let’s give ’em blankets. ‘Cause then they’ll think we’re friends, and we’ll be like, ‘Bye!'” And the white women of my generation, we have completely abandoned white men. We blame everything on you. Even though you pay our rent, we blame everything on you. We’re like, “They did it! It was them! We couldn’t, our arms.” We are the exact opposite of ride-or-die. We are ride-and-flee-immediately. We’re all Rose from the Titanic. We grabbed a door and we shoved a white man into the sea. “Like, I am literally freezing.” I should say, I do like to do all my historical women as millennials. Like, it’s just more fun to do history that way. Like, all the women on the Titanic would have been like, “It’s so annoying the boat sunk.” “Like, how do you not see an iceberg?” That– That had to be the main discussion on all of the lifeboats, right? It was just a bunch of women being like, “So, he just didn’t see it?” “Isn’t that, like, literally his whole job? This is the most random ocean.” “I’m starving.” And, like, we’re living in a time right now where, like, a lot of people are confronting their oppression, and white women are really trying to be a part of that. We love being parts of stuff. We just want to be invited. You know, maybe do a little light decorating. Perhaps take it over completely. And I’m not saying white women weren’t oppressed. You know, for the longest time we couldn’t vote or have bank accounts, but for the most part, we had nicer houses. So it was a very different oppression. It was a very air-conditioned oppression. You know, we were the only ones in four-poster mahogany beds being like, “Sometimes things aren’t fair for me.” That’s where, men, you were very smart. This was a genius move. You kept us comfortable. That was very smart. It’s almost impossible to start a revolution from under a duvet. And then when we did start fighting for equality, we didn’t even do that right. We were like, “We want jobs!” And then black women were like, “We have those! In your house! We’re working for you right now! Your son calls me ‘Mom’ often!” Then we were like, “This is really confusing. Plus, the baby’s crying. Can you go do that? Yucky.” That’s the thing, white women, we’re the most privileged victim. We’re a privileged victim. We’ve seen privilege because we’re white, but we’ve seen disadvantage because we’re women. You know, we haven’t had it the best, but we have certainly not had it the worst. And I don’t really know where that leaves us. You know, you want to go with white men? All right, that’s fine, but you’re always gonna be under them. You want to go with women? All right, that’s fine, but you gotta advocate for black women and black men, and you’re probably always gonna be under them. I think the fact is that white women, I don’t think we’re ever gonna have it the best. I don’t think we’re ever gonna find greatness or glory, but maybe we can be the supporters. We can help other people get there. You know, we can sacrifice ourselves so that other people have it better. And maybe in that sacrifice, we can find some sort of satisfaction. And that… is how you play the victim! I almost had some of you, I could feel it. There was white women who were like, “I will martyr, I will be a martyr.” Black women were like, “No, this is a sneaky bitch.” Women, we’re complicated, we’re complex. I think the more we actually lean into that, the better things will get for us. Yeah, sometimes we make decisions with feelings and emotions. I don’t think that’s bad. I think men, it’s crazy that you don’t, you serial killers. Like, women, we’re complicated, we’re emotional. And I think the reason we’re that way is ’cause women, I actually think we’re a higher evolved species of human than men. -Like… You know how they say God made men first? I do believe that. I believe that God made men and then he goes, “Oh, good try, but… I think I can do better.” And then he made women, and he was like, “Oh, no, that’s a little much. I’ve really over-corrected. It’s too many shapes. That’s gonna be hard to clean.” I do, I think women, I think we’re a higher evolved species of human than men, and I don’t think we recognize that. I don’t think we recognize that men are just dumb idiots and we have to remind them of things. And for every woman out there that’s like, “Well, that’s not fair,” yeah, life’s not fucking fair, you princess! For every woman who’s like, “Well, men should just know.” No, that’s the bliss of being an idiot. You don’t know you’re an idiot. For every man who’s like, “I’m not an idiot.” Shut up, I’m trying to help you, you stupid idiot! You know when I realized men were first idiots? You ever watch a man fall asleep? Men will lay their head back and fall asleep immediately, like there wasn’t a thought in there to begin with. Just like… And then, this is how deep the idiot goes. Men are the ones most likely to get sleep apnea. Your own body forgets to breathe! Your own body’s like, “Whoa, sorry, man. I almost lost us there. You know what could really help, if we wore a Darth Vader mask the rest of our lives.” I mean, one of the best examples of this was when– Remember when we were getting really mad at men for man-spreading? You know, when they were spreading their legs too far in a subway or a train, and we were like, “It’s the patriarchy!” No, I promise you, he’s just a dumb idiot… who was like, “My balls are hot. I’m gonna have to figure this one out. Okay, nailed it. God, I’m so good at problems. I should be in charge of everything.” I guarantee you, it never even occurred to him that there are other people on the train. And, yeah, it’s not fair, but it’s your job as the higher evolved species to be like, “Hey, idiot, close your legs, I need room for my bag.” And I guarantee you, 95% of the time they’ll be like, “I am so sorry, I didn’t see you there, your boobs are small.” And I remember when this was happening, some women were like, “I don’t feel comfortable telling a man to close his legs.” And why is that? Is it because men are a lot stronger than us and they could really hurt you? I promise that’s the last time I’ll make this point. But, also, if you can’t tell a man to close his legs, you can’t be in power. Power is not given, power is taken. And I’m pretty sure I wrote that, or I stole it from Game of Thrones. And, yeah, it’s not ideal. In an ideal world we wouldn’t have to do this, but in an ideal world you wouldn’t have to put a sign outside a pool that says, “Don’t poop here.” Every single one of those dumb warnings are for men, every single one! They did not put up that sign because a lady pooped in the pool. All those warnings, on medicine, when it says, “Don’t take this if you’re allergic to it, you fucking idiot.” That’s for men! That’s why there’s a man in the crosswalk, so you can go, “Oh, yeah, it’s walking time.” On car commercials, when it says, “This is a professional driver on a closed course,” that’s for men! There’s no woman sitting at home being like, “I gotta buy a Chevy and find a cliff!” So… God made men, and he was like, “I can do better.” And then he made women and he was like, “That’s a little much.” And then he made gay men and he was like, “Yeah, that’s the right one.” “That works way better together. I’ll make lesbians while I’m at it, I’ll give them my carpentry skills.” I love lesbians. I think lesbians are the future. I don’t think they know what’s gonna happen, but I think they’re always prepared for several scenarios. But my favorite fact about lesbians is that for the longest time, no one believed they actually existed. Like, men couldn’t wrap their heads around lesbians, ’cause it didn’t involve a penis. That’s how important they think their penis is. They were like, “A puzzle piece is missing.” Like, gay men, they understood. They didn’t like it, but they were like, “There’s these crazy guys, they like a penis in the butt, and I don’t think about it all the time.” But gay men, they could wrap their heads around that. Lesbians, they were baffled. They were like, “No, it’s two ins, it’s not structurally sound. Believe me, I’m an engineer.” Are there gay men here? That sounds about right. I learned this about myself recently: I hate gay men. Not ’cause of anything you do sexually, very onboard with that, quite impressed. I have tried it once, and not for me. But way to power through. I hate gay men ’cause they’re better at being women than I am. Like, I thought I liked dick, and then I heard a gay guy talk about it, and I was like, “Oh, no, I think it’s just okay.” Gay guys talk about dick the way men wished women talked about dick. Straight men, if you want someone to love your dick, be gay! Gay guys talk about dick the way kids talk about Christmas. They’re like, “Is it here yet? Can I open it?” Women, we talk about dick the way Jews talk about Christmas. We’re like, “The music is nice, but I don’t think it needs to start in October. Also, holiday’s over, let’s wrap it up, it’s wintertime.” I do think this is the crux of a lot of our problems. I think men– I think you think your penis is more important to us than it is. It’s important to you, and it should be, it’s yours, but we do not care about it… as much as you do. I think we also don’t care about big dicks as much as men do. Men talk about big dicks a lot. It really… It seems to be on your minds. You’re always saying stuff like, “She needs a big dick!” You… you should ask us. We’re all different. I have a short torso. This is a finite amount of space. I think we should start thinking about penises and vaginas as a foot-in-a-shoe situation. You ever try to jam your foot into a shoe that’s two sizes too small? Imagine if the shoe had feelings. And you cared. We should all know our size. At the end of a night at a bar a guy should be like, “I’m an eight,” and you’d be like, “Well, I’m a four so, no.” Or a guy’d be like, “I’m a two,” you’d be like, “You should lie about that. Or show me a picture of your apartment.” A two with a good apartment is a six, that’s just math. And we should talk about dicks in sizes, sizes that we all know and understand. We have to stop talking about dicks in inches, because I don’t know how much an inch is. You know how I know a penis is too big? I see it and I go, “Oh, no.” “No, you think I’m a different person. You think I’m old Long Vagina.” “She needs a big dick!” All right, what do you think I want out of sex, a hole in my back? To become a dolphin? Which, vocally, does make sense. And, look, I’ve had sex with guys with big dicks. Sometimes I’ll sort of move away, they’ll be like, “Where are you going?” And I’m like, “To safety.” You know, in boxing, if you punch someone in the liver, it’s illegal. And yet, men still say, “She needs a big dick!” No, she needs you to text her back. And I’m sure– I’m sure there’s some women in here whose preference is a big dick, and that’s fine, to each their own. Me personally, more of a strong medium. Small is still not on the table. Small’s– If you have a small penis, you should kill yourself. It’s an honor killing! It’s good! I feel like this is what Goldilocks was originally about. And then they were like, “No, we’re not gonna be able to read this to children.” “Even in Germany?” “Yeah.” “All right, ‘porridge,’ but you get it.” And I know, I know I just said a very mean thing. I said men with small penises should kill themselves, and that’s a really mean thing to say. It’s also a very funny thing to say, ’cause no man with a small penis can ever get mad at me for that without immediately revealing himself. And it’s crazy because we really only talk about big penises and little penises. We don’t talk about what I think is the worst penis out there, the skinny penis, the wisp of wind, the ghost. I blame part of this on us women. I don’t think we talk about it ’cause we’re worried men are gonna be like, “I don’t have a skinny penis! You just have a giant vagina!” No, dude, you got a skinny penis. Looks like a witch’s finger. Are you trying to have sex with me or cast a spell? Wand down, Harry Potter. But there is one important question I don’t think we’re asking ourselves right now, and I think this is really important to address in the time that we’re in as a society. And that is… do you think moms want to know how their sons’ penis turned out? I know, bit of a left turn. In the joke, hopefully not the penis. I just think she had a lot to do with that, and then she never got to see what grade she got. Think about it, she grew the penis for a while, and then she had the baby, and for several years made sure the penis was safe and clean, and then this poor woman sent that penis out into the world, and she never got to see how the movie ended. I think, men, I think you should show your mom your penis. I think you’re out there showing your penis to people who don’t want to see it, show it to the one person… who really wants to see it. Your mommy! Go ahead, pull out your phones right now! I know y’all got a dick pic on there! Send that sweet, sweet dick pic to your mommy! And she’ll be like, “Oh! There’s my little guy.” I have been getting called vulgar a lot lately. Like, when I did the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, right– It’s fine, it was a job, it didn’t pay well. Then afterward all these people were like, “You ruined the dinner,” and I was like, “I ruin every dinner. Did you do no research?” But right before I went up to give my speech, and this is a 100% true story, the guy who was sitting on my right, he was a reporter from Dallas, he leaned over and he goes, “I watched your HBO special before this ’cause I wanted to see what kind of comedy you do.” And I was like, “Oh, glad somebody did.” And he goes, “I have to admit, I think you’re pretty vulgar,” and I was like, “Oh, if you think I’m vulgar, you should hear male comics.” ‘Cause I know all the stuff I talk about, periods, pussies, dicks… There’s other stuff, but we hit those pretty hard. And as soon as I talk about that, a lot of people, especially a lot of other women, are like, “She’s vulgar! She’s nasty! Not a lady!” But men talk about almost all the same stuff. I mean, maybe not otter rape, but almost all the same stuff. And as soon as men do it, people are like, “Yeah, but they’re men. Men are gross.” Which is crazy ’cause women are so much grosser than men! We’re disgusting! This is why we gotta stop being cute! Every hot woman you know shits furiously! And that’s not the worst of it. Do you know how much stuff falls out of my vagina every month? I’m not talking about during my period, I’m talking the other weeks. The gloops and the globs. Which is also the name of the children’s book I’m working on. “Gloop! Gloop! Glob! Glob!” Like, sometimes I look down at my underwear and I’m like, “That can’t be right.” So, then I google it and I’m like, “No, that’s definitely in the spectrum.” It makes me– It makes me feel so bad for women before Google, you know, where you just had to, like, go up to a neighbor and be like, “Hey, you ever get, like, an off-white– You know what? No, never mind. No, I just– I’d rather die than have this conversation.” And, like, men try to be gross. Like, it’s almost adorable. You know, they’ll say things like, “Oh, skid marks!” Yeah, okay. Sometimes I look down at my underwear and I’m like, “Did I put toothpaste down there? Three years ago? Oh, and also skid marks. I got a butt, too!” So, yeah, if you want to call me vulgar, go ahead, I’m a vulgar, disgusting bitch! And I am– I am happy to admit that now, but I gotta be honest, it took me a little bit to get there. You know, I didn’t want to be called vulgar at first. No, I think what I needed, I needed to see an example of someone else. You know, like, I need to see someone else be vulgar that’s not supposed to be to know it was really okay. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I learned it from the President. And I hope all your daughters do too, you fucking pussies! Good night! ♪ We’re all stars now ♪ ♪ In the dope show ♪ ♪ We’re all stars now… ♪

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Andy Woodhull: You’ll Always Be Late (2019) – Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/andy-woodhull-youll-always-be-late-transcript/

I live a life where I never know what’s coming soon to a theater near me. My wife and I are late to everything it’s a big problem in our relationship at some point now or to be if we have to be somewhere at six she tells me we have to be there at 5:30 in order to trick us into being on time. And it never works. And the reason why in her works is because I’m not the problem that’s why it doesn’t work all tricking me does is make me mad for an extra half hour every time we run in late for something we’re running late for the movies I want to check on my wife she was painting her fingernails my initial response is anger because it’s dark in a movie theater no one’s even gonna know. What you’ve done we could paint your face before we head out tonight no one would know bound saying things my wife it’s the woman I picked of all the women on the planet to spend my life with. I’m a little concerned how few of you laughed at that that was that was meant to be a joke that’s a ridiculous thing to say. Pics out of all the women on the planet? Most of the women didn’t even have a chance to interview for the position. Picked her out of a different group. I picked her are the women that lived near me and would say yes, if I asked them to marry me. It’s a much smaller group. It still means something to me, you know. I love my wife so when I see her paint her fingernails I keep my mouth shut. I just accept this is the life that I’ve chosen for myself. I live a life where I never know what’s coming soon to a theater near me. And then I’d like to see what color she was painting her fingernails and she was painting them clear. And then my brain exploded. Are you even doing anything? Cuz it looks like you’re pretending to paint your fingernails! If you need me I’ll be in the front yard mowing it with the bubble maker. You let me know when you’re ready, I got so many bubbles to pop out here. She told me she painted some clear cuz it makes her fingernail shiny and she likes them when to be shiny. And I support her in that decision. I want them to be shiny too I just feel like we could have achieved the same results by ordering popcorn at the movie theater. One large popcorn, extra butter, no napkins, we gotta the look we’re going for. She’s late to everything one time my wife was late to watch Netflix in our own home. And that should be impossible because Netflix starts whenever you want. We picked on a movie and then she goes “don’t start it yet I have to go to the bathroom.” And then about a half hour later I’m just sitting there by myself wondering what’s happened to my wife, and go looking for her. I found her in the shower and I said why would you take a shower when you know I’m waiting in the other room by myself staring at a blank screen like a moron. And she said “I’m not taking a shower. I’m rinsing off.” And that’s how my wife beats me in arguments, she just denies that she’s doing the thing I said I was mad about and I don’t know how to fight back against that. I’m not smart enough. I have 37 years of life experience leading me to believe the one I’m seeing right now is called a shower you just told me that I wasn’t I don’t know where we go from here. You’re in a shower you’re naked there’s water how is this not a shower? If you were rinsing off you’d be in a colander I’d be holding you into the sink just like a bunch of grates trying to get the pesticides off. That’s how she always wins. We were on a road trip one time and she fell asleep I said honey you got to wake up I’m sleepy too and we need to talk to me she said “I am not asleep. I am just resting my eyes……. Are you also airing out your throat?” Why is your mouth been open for the last 15 miles. You should start chewing because you have three gummy bears in your mouth that you don’t even know about. That’s how I’ve been staying away come over here shooting threes with the yellow gummy bears just trying to stay alert. I would have kept going but I’m only giving you the gross flavors. You think you’re gonna get a red one you’re not even awake you’re out of your mind. I mention my girls already they’re my they’re my stepdaughters I’m a stepdad stepdad took over the lease on a couple of girls few years back. Thank you very much other other step parents here any other broken homes? Few? Go ahead you were able to come out where’s the where’s the step that out somebody raise your hand your stepdad right back there thing I said raise your hand you clap I mean yeah still appreciate. How many stuff kids you have sir one grand you are you and your wife gonna have more do you think got one on the way congratulations good for you is that amazing it’s amazing. I think that’s fun I would love to have more — I would love to have more enough I would probably love him more than the old ones do you think that that would be true I mean probably. Of course not on purpose, of course you would do your best to love them exactly the same. And they would never even know unless they watch this special. I would do my best to love them exactly the same we’re just admitting that I’m a human and there’s a small chance that I would love the new ones more and there’s nothing that I could do about it. And for those of you looking at me being judgmental right now, why don’t you pretend for a moment do you spent your whole life wanting to have a boat you wanted to grow up and be a boat owner and then one year you married someone the had a boat it was everything you thought it was gonna be when you loved that boat and you helped take care of it and then the next year you made your own boat using nothing by your genitals. Which one are you gonna be more excited about? It’s all I’m trying to say it’s not I don’t I don’t even think it makes you a bad person I think is just a pride of workmanship, I think. Cooper’s you love the old Bo you love the old bum forever cuz that’s the boat let you know that you enjoy being the captain of a ship but if there was a hurricane and you only had time to save one of your boats from the harbor… you know which one you would pick. It’s a lot of pressure being a stepparent, it’s a lot of pressure, I love the responsibility but it’s a lot of responsibility. I walk around with the weight on my shoulders every day I’m responsibility just knowing that I’m the third person on an emergency contact list. That’s terrifying. Being one’s not a big deal number one’s not a big deal but number three– if they call me that means there’s been an emergency and it’s been going on for a long time. It’s probably multiple emergencies if they make it to my own name on the list. There’s not even a line on the form for stepdad, that’s a writing candidate on the back of the form. I’m third in line to be in charge of these kids. I’m like the Speaker of the House, if it’s me some big stuff is happening. My girls are teenagers now, 14 and 16 got a couple teenagers at home and they’re really embracing it and every time I tell people I have teenage daughters at home they’re always like aha good luck with that it’s really tough. You just somebody said it just now no one can resist letting you know how difficult it is and it is difficult sure but I think I’m good at it cuz I know how to talk to teenagers I speak their language. Just the other day they asked me for a ride to the mall and I said “oh, do I have to?” And then later they’re like “are you gonna take us or not?” And I go “I was gonna do it!” They have embraced all the teenage stereotypes. Laziness is the biggest one. I’m proud of how lazy my girls are. People tell me all the time that as a parent you should want your kids to achieve things you weren’t able to achieve. And I could have only dreamt of being that lazy when I was their age. We didn’t have the technology available for this level of laziness. This is gonna make me sound ridiculous to the young people in the audience but it took me ten years to watch every episode of Friends. [Applause] My girls knock that out in the weekend. We’re having dinner together one night and while my daughter says doing ranch dressing for the salad and I said yes we do it’s in the refrigerator and then she said oh and then ate her salad with no ranch dressing. Like she had to take a trip to the Hidden Valley to get her hands on salad dressing. We don’t live in a mansion. We live in a home where our refrigerator is in the room that we eat in. She even have to get up and she just sat there and angrily choke down a dry salad – she was too lazy to swivel to the fridge. And I respect that. We took the kids to a corn maze last fall– those are any corn mazes in Utah? Hey you guys pretty pumped up about your karma is this. Do you think the mountains are pretty you should see these corn mazes we are going on. This lipstick is from Deer Creek and this one is from a corn maze. We’re at the corn maze together for some fall fun, ten minutes into the maze my stepdaughter call me on my cell phone and said “Andy, I’m lost.” Yeah well, you are in a maze right now. That’s kind of the exact experience that we paid for this afternoon. Did you think that we had brought you to a corn hallway? What did you think was gonna happen? You’re lost? That sounds like I’m getting my money’s worth right now. How do you even think I could help you I’m also in this maze. What are you near right now? Corn? Oh yeah, I remember that part. It’s tricky. I knew it couldn’t help her so try to motivate her. I said “listen, we’re leaving in 10 minutes no matter what good luck to you if you don’t make it you live here in the corn now this is your new home give my regards to Malachi he’ll be raising you from now on. It’s going to be a strict religious upbringing for you.” There are my stepkids but a step parents know eventually you start to see your kids have some of your personality traits even though they don’t look like you and that’s really fun for me and terrible for my wife. This happened recently. My wife had to work at night so she prepared to dinner and she left a note for the kids it said put it in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes that’s all you have to do and then Evie nice home-cooked dinner my wife got home from work and my kids had to order a pizza. She asked them why they ordered a pizza and they said it seemed like too much work. Fair enough my wife was curious, she called me and she’s like “what do I do, how do I punish them? And I said did they use their own money and she goes yeah okay I don’t know I think they won this round, I don’t know how to fight. And then the situation happened again where my wife is gonna be gone during dinner time. So she’s prepared a meal and all they had to do is put in the oven and she said to the kids do not order pizza she order pizza you’re in big trouble you didn’t in trouble last time because I couldn’t believe that you would have done that, so it was so far out of the things that I would expect you kids to do that I wasn’t smart enough to punish you in a timely manner. But this time you’ll be in trouble so don’t do it again she got home from work and my girls had ordered Chinese. I love those kids. Sometimes my wife asked me to help teach the kids things I don’t believe in. Pick one that we’ve been struggling with is “don’t talk about people behind their back.” And I don’t like that because it’s been my life experience of that is the number one place that you should talk about people. I agree it’s bad to talk about people behind their back and let them find out about. It you should only talk about people behind their back with a trustworthy person. You guys aren’t laughing a lot but are you really telling me you’ve never talked about someone behind their back, they never found out about it and everyone just had a positive experience? It came up because one of my girls came home from school and she was sat cuz people have been talking about her behind her back. And I felt bad for her cause she was upset and I want to help and I have some skills that could be helpful in this situation. So I said if you want I’ll go to school with you and I’ll roast those girls that are talking about you. Come on I’m a professional stand up comedian I could destroy a couple of fifteen-year-old girls. Put these girls in therapy if you want me to, I’m on your side. And then my daughter said “Andy, no one knows who you are.” All right, I guess the roast has already begun. I felt so bad for her but at the same time I was scared because she was mad that people talked about her behind her back. I was scared that she might one day find out all this stuff my wife and I say about her, behind her back. Because the stuff we say is worse. The kid is at school and we’re just just making fun of her backpack. My wife and I are sometimes are like “yeah, we don’t we don’t know she’s gonna make it in life we… don’t know if she has the proper tools.” And we wanted to– I wanted to have nothing but happiness and success but at the same time– I once saw her put a tupperware in the dishwasher… with the lid on it, so… we got to talk about things when you’re not around sometimes. They’re constantly debating with us, they think everything I say is wrong and that’s another teenage stereotype. We had a half-hour debate on whether cold pizza was better than hot pizza. That’s a stupid debate ’cause cold pizza wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for the hot pizzas… I don’t know why I participated in that debate for a half hour… I think I was just happy they wanted to talk to me. I saw them eating cold pizza and I said “you want me throw that in the oven?” And they said “no, we prefer cold pizza.” No, you don’t. You are too lazy to heat things up, we’ve already established that. Cold pizza is fine but no one prefers it, no it’s like “I’ll take one pepperoni for delivery and take your time getting over here. I want the cheese hard by the time it shows up. You know what? Forget the whole order, I’m just gonna get a frozen pizza and I’m gonna lick it till it’s soft enough for me to chew, ’cause I’m a teenager and I’m never wrong. Teenagers are the size of real people and that will mess with your head sometimes. I walk into the living room and I saw my wife bending over to put a DVD into the DVD player. And I thought look at that I think that I’m gonna give her a little smack on the backside let her know I’m back there you know maybe maybe even forehand backhand if she leans into it you know. Not too hard though no harder than no harder than I begged her to do to me, every year on my birthday. So I got my hand caught back and ready to party and then out of the corner of my eye I see my wife in the other room. Is everyone following along? The horror show that almost took place in my living room thank God I saw my wife from 10 thank God I saw her so I don’t know what I would have done if I would have followed through on that snackaroo gotta ruin my life I’m gonna ruin seven years of trust built up between stepfather and stepdaughter if I did that I think I want to be like I told you no DVDs until you do your homework. We have rules in this house young lady. I’m married for four years now we had a beautiful wedding we did this Japanese tradition in our wedding where as a couple you fold 1,000 paper cranes and then if you’re able to finish by your wedding day you’re supposed to have good luck throughout your marriage. We did an Americanized version of the Japanese tradition where the man folds 995 paper cranes. And then the woman folds five unrecognizable paper cranes and then for the rest of our lives we’re just gonna tell everyone that we folded in 1,000 paper cranes. I hope did the luck the amount of luck that we have in our marriage is proportionate to the amount of cranes that we folded for that afternoon. I don’t know why these feelings only leaking on your half of the bed maybe you should have folded more cranes. 4 years of marriage. It’s good and the biggest fight we ever gotten happened the day we moved in together. Here’s what happened. I was unpacking my boxes oh I saw me and she said what are you doing with those dishes you bought those dishes when you were living with another woman and I don’t want another woman’s dishes in my home. And I understand that point of view but before you decide that she’s right and I’m wrong I like to remind you that my wife has two daughters. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable about these dishes. I’m just trying to point out that you didn’t show up for the picnic empty-handed, that’s all I’m trying to say. If you want to get into specifics, I like to point out how my dishes don’t kind of look like my ex-girlfriend. When I met them they were much younger when I met him they were just learning how to live for the first time and that’s a cute age when they’re just trying out lying for the first because little kids don’t know how lie they suck at it they don’t know about alibis or alternative facts or anything like that. And it’s cute to watch them grow into the liars they will be one day as adults. One of them took some candy from her kitchen one night and she ate it during the night and the way that we caught her was she left candy wrappers laying on the floor of her bedroom. When we asked her where the candy wrappers came from she said “I don’t know.” As if there was a chance that we were gonna say “oh, we don’t know either, this is a real mystery we have on our hands. We may never know who ate those Twix bars.” My wife was upset and she said “we need to punish her, she has lied to us, that’s very serious.” I don’t think we should. I don’t think punishing her solves anything. That’s not smart parenting. If we punish her we have to let her know that we figured it out because of all the evidence that she left behind. That doesn’t teach her not to lie. That teacher star to hide evidence the next time that she wants to lie. I think we need to be smarter about this. Here’s what I want to do. I want to tell her that it was a monster that ate that candy. I’ll say “well, if he wasn’t you then wants to that monster that comes to our house sometimes. Thank God the candy was there or he may have eaten you. Sweet dreams.” We should just started throwing tootsie rolls on the floor her room every night just in case. You know what I did? I stayed up every night, snuck into her bedroom, I ate those tootsie rolls… and I left the wrappers behind. And that’s smart parenting. Let me keep these kids on their toes! Plus it’s a good life lesson for her. Lying is a necessary life skill and she needs to get better at it. And this way maybe she learned something, because the first time I said it was a monster maybe she thought I was telling a lie. But after waking up to evidence that monsters are real four weeks in a row, she’s gonna have to accept monsters there’s a real-world possibility. And that is how you tell a lie young lady. They’re much better at lying now that they’re teenagers. Teenagers just have confidence in everything they say it will mess with your mind um one night they’re getting ready for bed and I said hey did you brush and floss your teeth and one of my girls goes yeah I did and I said well that’s weird cuz I just watched you not do it that’s why I brought it out in the first place it’s my fault for phrasing it as a question. And then she said “I told you I did it and that’s all you need to know,” coming at me with the attitude so I don’t have to be a parent right now so I said alright that’s the way you want to play it I’m just gonna check the garbage in the bathroom for dental floss to see if you’re telling me the truth do and change your answer and she said “I dare you check the garbage you’re gonna feel stupid.” At this point I’m like maybe she did crushin philosophy and I blacked out for a minute I’ve never been that sure of myself. Even now I think I got khaki pants on but if someone came up and was like nice dress I’d be like am i wearing a dress oh. But the one rule that I know about parenting to be true is that if you make a threat to the kids if you threaten them to follow through on it or else the kids are gonna walk all over you so we walk together to the bathroom to check the garbage for dental floss. She’s talking trash the whole way there but how gross it’s gonna be and how dumb I’m gonna feel I get there and I look in the garbage and there’s no dental floss. And I turn around triumphant, stepdad has won this round. My daughter’s crying and the next thing you know I’m giving her a hug and apologizing. Do you understand what she was able to do to me she made me mad and then she got me to apologize for getting mad. She is really becoming a woman. I just think it’d be great if they were bad at getting away with things forever because right now it’s not a big deal we find some candy wrappers on the floor of the room that’s not a big deal but a few years from now we could be finding like rolling papers on the floor of the room and now we have serious parenting today our kids are experimenting with drugs and not the good ones you can get legally over there in Colorado to come in the form of cookies. And there’s an ingredients list on the back and all the ingredients are locally sourced. All the butter and the cookies comes from pasture raised cows that only ever eat grass and they’re never forced to live within the confines of a fence and they’re only impregnated during consensual sex with bulls that they’re in love with. You got to go to Whole Foods to get that butter but it’s worth the extra $30 even. When I was young my friend got caught with a cigarette and his mom and dad made him smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and never want to smoke cigarettes again. I have a similar idea if we find marijuana in our kids bedroom my idea is my wife and I finish it that’s my idea we finish it and then our punishment is they gonna hang out with us the whole time. I’m not even a drug user but I’ll do it because I love my daughter. They’re gonna hang out the holes done no you can’t go play your friend’s house we’re gonna watch another one of your soccer games on TV see these things are hilarious. Everybody’s going for the ball at the same time, it doesn’t make any sense! You kids got to spread out have you ever even seen people play soccer or Mary just left a field chasing a butterfly Heather’s digging a hole this is a disaster. Who’s coaching this team anyway? What’s that it’s your real dad well my fault then yeah my bad. I think it’s tough thing about being a stepparent is I don’t have that built-in thing that birth parents have to make them proud of every single thing that their child does I’m proud of most of the things my kids do cuz they’re super cool kids but I’m not proud of everything and people I know that how babies are proud of everything I’ve had more than one friend call me to brag about how early their baby lifted its head up. And to me that’s stupid to even mention but more the one guy has called me I mean like dude guess what my baby’s lifting its head up way before baby’s normally lift their head stuff. We’re probably gonna have some put her in a special school for girls was strong neck or something like that. She’s got chubby arms and chubby legs but her neck is ripped brow we gotta cut slits on the front of all her onesies so she doesn’t rip it out when she flexes her giant baby neck. I’m jealous of that level of pride I want to have that you know. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about one of my girls came home from school and she said we ran the Milan gym today I guess my time I said I don’t know maybe like nine minutes and then she said sixteen minutes. Well I would not have guessed that you ran the whole time that’s a terrible time for a mile run. Does something go wrong with was there someone playing defense on your mile rim did you have to do your mile run through a corn maze? What happened? We feed birds in our backyard that’s a big part of our lives we feed birds I don’t know what the birds were doing in our backyard before we started spending $30 a month on birds seed but it was rough times for the birds in the wood haul backyard jangling around coffee mugs out there tweet tweet food for the boat my wife loves those birds so much we were on vacation one time and we’re running low on birdseed and she got really upset and she goes what are we gonna do if the birds run out of food while we’re gone what’s gonna happen to the bird I was like well I guess they’re probably gonna die gonna we’re gonna come home to just a backyard full of dead birds you know we’re gonna have to rake them up and move on with our lives. We can let the kids play in the piles but only for the first couple days. One time she came from from Whole Foods with Whole Foods brand birdseed and it was smokehouse barbecue flavor no we’re not feeding them smokehouse barbecue flavor I’m gonna eat that I like sunflower seeds too. Does she think that birds are really in the backyard like playing again this is unacceptable it’s Labor Day weekend you know how we like to do we were gonna have the Robins over for a party but if we’re serving plane we’ll look ridiculous. Well I’ve came into our house the other day and she said there’s a copperhead snake in the backyard you have to go kill it I don’t know if everyone’s familiar with copperhead snakes but they’re venomous snakes and if they bite you you could die. My wife came into our home and told me to fight one to the death I’ve never fought a snake in my whole life as she wants me in a death match my first time in the ring. That’s that’s not how you’re supposed to begin new hobbies you’re supposed to build up to the difficult levels let me find a worm first learn some of the moves. So I said to my wife I don’t want to fight the snake here’s what I wanted to on a wait until it leaves she said we can’t do that what if it bites the kids or bites a dog I was like okay fair point let’s just not leave any dog treats or iPhones near the snake and I think that we’ll be okay. Yes that snakes a Wi-Fi router they gotta unplug and plug back in I don’t think the kids are gonna mess with it. How about this let’s have a barbeque invite over all the neighbors we don’t like just let nature take its course. My wife rejects all my ideas she wants this snake dead so here’s what she does she calls our neighbor he comes over and kills the snake that’s not a fun moment in a man’s life standing in your own backyard watching while another man protects your family, that sucks. This had a real negative effect on my self-esteem. she heard something the night and she goes oh my god I heard something you gotta go check I said I’m gonna go check I’m gonna give Steve a call this is his job from now on. I don’t wanna go check what if it says snakes family back to avenge his death? What if we accidentally killed snake Liam Neeson’s son and now snake Liam Neeson is in the other room right now just like I have a very sss-specific set of sss-kills. That was the first thing that was ever in our backyard since then I’ve killed three of them I’m on a real rampage Steve taught me how to do it he goes what you do is you take a shovel and you chop the head off the snake and you completely remove the head from the body and you bury it in a separate grave. Which makes it do you think some weird stuff has happened between Steve and a snake at some point in his life he has to do this weird ritualistic killing every time he takes Flint out. I think it’s cute he thinks I’m gonna dig two graves I’m just gonna throw it over the fence when I’m done with it This made me a braver man though because I’m no longer afraid of snakes and none of you should be afraid of snakes either because humans have a lot of advantages in a snake fight I would say arms are the biggest one arms arms are so useful in a fight. If you don’t believe me find a guy with no arms and then hit him in the face with a shovel: you’re gonna win that fight. I don’t enjoy killing snakes. It’s not in my nature to kill things, so the last time we had one in the backyard I called animal control and I so you guys got to get over here and get the snake and take him to the forest before my wife comes home and puts a hit out on it and they go no problem we’ll be right there it costs $275 I said you know what never mind someone just chopped his head off we’re all set over here if you still want the body it’s in Steve’s yard you find it over there. We have this coffee shop by our house that just started this new thing they do call the toast bar and if you’re not familiar with the concept yet there’s a place where you can go get toast and costs eight dollars just in case you’ve ever been at home making toast and thought yourself this is way too much work I would like to outsource this job and a five thousand percent mark up. Toast used to just come free with breakfast but that’s insulting to the tous ceux I meant the toast bar I won’t treat myself so I order one slice of toast with pumpkin butter on it and they said we’re sorry sir but it’s 11:05 and we stopped serving toast at 11:00 what will happen in the back the one guy that owns a toaster go home for the day. How is it possible that you have lost your ability to heat up bread is it a union thing is toast to breakfast food and you’re unwilling to serve it in the afternoon I found out later that the toast bar opens back up from 3:00 to 5:00 who’s running this place I was so disappointed but I was hungry so I just placed my order I was like all right you win I’ll take one grilled cheese hold the cheese put some pumpkin butter on We have a dog with dog golden retriever beautiful dog and we bought her we didn’t rescue her I know that’s not the popular way to get dogs but it’s also a way that you can get the hugs we wanted to do the rescue thing we signed up for the Golden Retriever Rescue of North Carolina and we got to nine no kind of humiliating we filled out forms they came to our house and then they said it’s a letter in the mail that said we don’t think a dog should be living in your house. We’re like we have kids and they go yeah we’re calling those people as well. We’re all really sad we’re all really sad because we wanted that dog we were sad for about an hour and then I remember oh yeah if I want I can buy dogs. So I went out and we bought a dog that hadn’t been traumatized by a family that didn’t want it. And it’s a great dog it’s the best dog I ever owned and I don’t even have any hard feelings towards that rescue organization in fact I donate money to him last year I want to stay on good terms with them just on the off chance they’re right about us and I need them to rescue this dog sometimes people ask me what my wife thinks about being in so many of my jokes and maybe this will explain it to you I did some of those jokes on Conan about her being late to things and hundreds of thousands of people watched it on the internet and like the video and wrote comments about how funny it was and how they have someone in their life that’s the same way other people wrote comments about how I look like fat versions of celebrities but those aren’t so my wife was running late for something I brought up this video to her as evidence I said hundreds of thousands of people I’ve laughed at this video almost as if an agreement with my point of view that it’s crazy that you’re late to everything does that make me one change a lifestyle just a little bit and she looked at me and she said me being late is our number one source of income right now thank you very much [Applause]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Bridges: The Story Continues (2012) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-bridges-the-story-continues-transcript/

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (BARKING) Oh! (COUGHS) (GRUNTS) (TYRES SCREECH) (HORN HONKS) (LAUGHS EVILLY) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Cheers. Thank you, all. Hello! (CHUCKLES) Yeah! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (CHUCKLES) Good evening, Glasgow. (CHEERING) Thanks for that. Good to be here. Good to be back. How we feelin’? Feelin’ good? Thanks for that beautiful welcome there. Thanks for coming out. I appreciate that. First of all, spending your hard-earned dosh, on a ticket to see me, in these tough times. Thanks very much for that, means a lot. – Sold-out show. Yeah! (CHEERING) (CHUCKLES) In these tough times, spending your hard-earned dosh on a ticket to see any comedian this year knowing that there’s a good chance we’re paying fuck all tax. Well done for that. People thought Jimmy Carr got it bad. Wait till the press hear about me. I’m still signin’ on. That’s just a wee joke there, wee ice-breaker before anybody’s fuckin’… Shock revelation. I don’t get these guys, dodgin’ tax. How much fucking money do you need? These super-rich guys with, like, 30 million pound in offshore accounts. If you’ve got 30 million pound, don’t put it in an offshore account. Put it in a current account, and fucking look at it. I would never pass a cash machine again. “Just gonna go and press ‘display balance’ here, guys. “Your balance is 30 million pound. “Today you may withdraw 300 quid.” A double-dip recession. That’s what they’re callin’ it. That’s what we’re in – double dip. I don’t even know what that means. That used to be a good thing. Double dip. Since when was that a negative? These fucking bankers have ruined Dib Dabs. I used to think of orange and cherry sherbet with a swizzle stick. Now you think of government cuts. I don’t fully understand it. I read last week, America, they’re in 16 trillion dollars of debt. That is fucking unacceptable, innit? How the fuck do you get into 16 trillion dollars? Surely somebody at the IMF’s gotta get on the phone, “Look, you’ve fucking got till Friday. “Trying to make us look like pricks here? 16 trillion?” America are skint, Europe are skint. I hope Africa have got some good rock bands ’cause we need a concert. (APPLAUSE) (CHUCKLES) That’s my solution. It’s their fucking round! (CHUCKLES) They can show some appeal videos. This is Gordon and Diane from Bishopbriggs. “Oh, I cannae watch these videos. “Why do they always show you this stuff when you’re having your tea? “Do you notice that?” Gordon and Diane, like so many others, took out a fixed-rate mortgage. Everybody’s going, “Oh, fucking… “The world can be such a fuckin’ cruel place. “Puts things into perspective. It was only this morning I had the cheek to moan “about having to walk 20 miles for clean water. Then you fucking see this.” Every time I click my fingers, a newly married couple from Dumfries have a credit card application rejected. A double-dip recession. I’ve got mates that have lost their job. I know people who have went beyond unemployed. I’ve got people in my social circle… I’ve got friends who I can only describe as being unemployed as fuck. (LAUGHTER) I know that’s not fully utilising the English language, but that’s what’s being created these days. People who have just been forgotten about, people who are unemployed as fuck! They’ve just been forced to embrace the rut they’re in. They’re sat at home. They’ve got their routines. Homes Under the Hammer, then it’s Man Versus Food. They’re fuckin’ adamant they’ve been mis-sold PPI. Every 15 minutes you see that advert. On the phone, “Where’s my fucking PPI then? “I don’t know what it stands for, but I would like it back. “I need that money so I can adopt a snow leopard.” I feel for them. It must be tough under the Coalition government, I love their proposals for the job crisis, David Cameron and thay guys, the Work Experience Programmes creating jobs for people. Just like normal jobs. The only difference being you don’t get paid. If you’re unemployed you get to work, but you don’t get any wages. But it’s to boost your self-esteem. That’s how fucking condescending… That’s what people need. Last Friday of the month I’m gonna go and check and see if my self-esteem’s in. Feelin’ a bit low. Oh, thank the Lord, it’s self-esteem Friday. Gonna try and pay these bills. “Hi, is that British Gas? “Listen, mate, I’m skint but I feel terrific. “I’m wonderin’, are you prepared to accept self-esteem? “Or maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you. How’s that?” To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said about the Work Experience Programmes. Poundstretcher, they were one of the first shops to sign up to these programmes. Workin’ in Poundstretcher for no wages, that’s pretty fuckin’ depressin’. Working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you. (CHEERING) (CHUCKLES) That’s about as depressin’ as it gets. You look at these guys, what the fuck would David Cameron know about being unemployed? He’s never been unemployed as fuck. He’s never… David Cameron’s never woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon. He’s never had a packet of Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch for his breakfast. (CHUCKLES) David Cameron’s never known that feeling of wakin’ up at 3:00 in the afternoon, and your only goal for the day is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet. (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) (CHUCKLES) Know when you start seeing that as a challenge? “Okay, that’s been three days. That’s ridiculous. “I could use the brush, but that’s admitting defeat. (CHUCKLES) “Gonna get a glass of water, I’m gonna fuckin’ reload here. “I’ll be two minutes, just tryin’ to get a hard-on. Get a bit of pressure on this.” David Cameron… I reckon even Nick Clegg, even that fuckin’ guy, regrets gettin’ involved with David Cameron. I reckon Nick Clegg… I look at that guy, I think he’s only guilty of that thing that I’ve done myself. And I’d imagine most of you here have done. You know when you meet somebody on your first day in a new job, or on a new course, and you hit it off… “Found a new buddy.” Next day, they’re waiting for you at the breaks. “Found a new friend.” But as the days and the weeks go on, you slowly begin to discover that your new pal is a fuckin’ dick! And everybody else knows the guy’s a bell-end, but it’s too late for you. You’ve committed and you’re now known as “the bell-end’s pal”. I’m not really a big political guy. Scottish independence, that’s been getting talked about. We’re havin’ a… (CHEERING) Couple of… “Fuckin’ freedom.” Yes, yes. (CHEERING AND BOOING) People booin’, people cheerin’. I don’t think anything’s gonna get resolved at a comedy show, but… feel free to vent your opinions. 2014, that’s when they’re having the referendum. That’s because it’s 700 years after the Battle of Bannockburn, that’s to get us fuckin’ patriotic, and you… you know we’re gonna show Braveheart the night before that referendum. STV, 9:00. As sure as fuck! Braveheart. I reckon we should also show Trainspotting, just to even it. “Come on. Fuckin’ freedom! That’s us. “Ooh, that’s also us.” We’re quite an open-minded country, Scotland. I seen something quite refreshing. We had an anti-immigration demo — seen this in the paper — in Irvine, that’s where they had an anti-immigration demo. In Irvine, a place that has got fuck all and nobody would move to. That’s where they had the anti-immigration demo. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And it was quite refreshing that only 18 people showed up, I read that in the paper. There’d be a bigger turnout if the wave machine broke in the Magnum Centre. That would have been a turnout. That would have been a demo. There would have been fuckin’ animosity. “I fuckin’ brought the wee man down! “And the wave machine is not working.” “Go and finish your Slush Puppie, son. Daddy’s gonna speak to the man.” I was about 13 before I discovered that sentence, “Daddy’s gonna speak to the man,” means “Mummy’ll pick you up from the police station.” I don’t really have an opinion on Scottish independence. I suppose I’m in the “Fuck it! It’ll be a laugh” camp. Maybe. Fuck it, it’ll be a laugh. Maybe, 50 years’ time you’ll turn on the National Geographic Channel, see programmes like Scottish Border Cops. Two guys in the airport interrogating some poor guy from fuckin’ Leamington Spa. Not like real cops, just thay Rock Steady guys. Know thay G4S guys that have… swapped their personality for a Hi Visjacket? Know thay guys? (AUDIENCE APPLAUD) (CHUCKLES) I would watch that. Scottish Border Cops. Goin’ through the guy’s bag, “And what’s this?” “It’s a banana. Why, are those illegal?” “I never said they were illegal, pal, but we don’t fuckin’ like them.” Have we got any English in? Whoo! Just one person there. I don’t think we’re anti-English, Scotland. People… People confuse us for… (ENGLISH ACCENT) “Why don’t you support us in major football tournaments? “Every two years… Let me get this straight. “You actively support the other teams because they’re playing England?” “That’s pretty much it, mate. Uh-huh.” (CHUCKLING) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) That’s… That’s nothing anti-English, though, that’s just the England football team. Guys like fuckin’ John Terry. Oh, he’s quit, but… I look at John Terry in the papers, I think he looks like the kind of guy, if he never made it as a footballer, you would see him outside a pub in Tenerife or somewhere going, “You guys want a free shot tonight? “What’s your plan tonight, lads? “Comin’ down the Bull’s Head for free sambuca? “Coming down? “You love it, mate. Loads of girls, free shots, come on down. “Just say John-o sent you. Big JT. Fuckin’ free shot, mate.” Scottish football, we’re goin’ through an interesting period there. (CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Feel the fuckin’ division in the camp there. I only said “Scottish football”. People going, “Just you fuckin’ tread carefully, pal.” (CHUCKLES) I remember watching a Danny Dyer documentary about the Old Firm. And it was good to see somebody like him… Danny Dyer, he’s the prick’s prick, isn’t he? (CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) It was good to see him… You know sometimes you just flick through the channels and you see he’s on – Britain’s Most Deadliest Men, him talking to some big wall puncher. Guy’s going, “I’m the kind of bloke, “if you don’t mess with me, it’ll be all right, “but if you mess with me, I’ll fuck you up.” Danny Dyer’s going, “Can I be your friend?” He done a special on football rivalries and he was outside Ibrox in the morning of an Old Firm game. And he’s talking to the camera, this guy. It made me laugh. He’s going, “Celtic are the Catholics, and Rangers are the Protestants. “I’m outside the stadium on Old Firm day. “One of football’s most deadliest rivalries. “I’m here outside the stadium on match day, “and I’m not afraid to say “I am fuckin’ shakin’.” (CHUCKLES) There’s people walking behind him, just waving at the camera, going… It was like half-ten on a Sunday mornin’. He’s going, “I’m a fuckin’ tough bloke, I’ve seen some stuff, “but today I’m fuckin’ petrified.” A guy walks behind him with a bacon roll and a cup of tea. He says, “Come on, the Rangers!” He’s goin’, “It’s fuckin’ kicked off now!” Oh, it’s a tough one to explain, Scottish football. (ENGLISH ACCENT) “What actually happened up there? Wasn’t it a two-horse race?” That’s it, mate, and we lost the horse. That’s about… Scottish football’s become showjumpin’. (CHUCKLES) I don’t know how they feel in… I know we’re fuckin’ gettin’ a wee bit tense in there, but I had to laugh at it. Rangers Football Club, they owed a lot of fuckin’ people money. I read a list of everybody that was owed money and it just got fuckin’ surreal. They owed, like, 60 quid to a local news agent. These small sums that made it mental. 60 quid to a local taxi firm. And then the one that made me chuckle. It said £40 was owed to a local Glasgow face paintin’ company. And I had to read it a few times. “Does that say face paintin’ company? “How the fuck did they… “40 quid to a face paintin’ company?” And the newspaper article never explained why. There was no backup information, just left that there. As if that’s a common footballing expense. A face paintin’ company. The club have been in financial meltdown. And there’s some guy running about the boardroom, kiddin’ on he’s a fucking tiger. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Some guy… Some guy just opening doors, going… (GROWLS) What the fuck was goin’ on? “I dare you to do the chairman.” “I fuckin’ will do the chairman.” (GROWLS) The boardroom going, “Will you go and wash your face, you fuckin’ idiot? “Trying to fix these accounts here. Sorry about him, boys. “Fuckin’ 40 quid he spent on that.” “Oh, 40 quid. Aye, but it’s a fuckin’ cracker. Did you see his whiskers?” I’ve never understood that. The religious divide. I’ve never understood that. One side shouting, “Fuck the Pope” and the other side shouting, “God bless the Pope.” I don’t think the Pope gives a fuck about the SPL. I think the Pope’s a Bundesliga man. (AUDIENCE WHISTLING) There we go. (GROWLS) Hallo… Halloween’s comin’ up. I think that’s quite a hallucinogenic experience, Halloween. In this city. Any UK city. Hallo… Because we don’t really… in Scotland and England, we don’t really have a laid-back festival carnival culture. Everybody gets dressed up, but there’s still… there’s still violence on the streets. I’ve walked down Sauciehall Street on Halloween and I’ve thought I was on something. Just… Everybody’s dressed up but emotions still run high, they’re by no means in high spirits. There’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kickin’ fuck out of SpongeBob SquarePants. Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, she’s eatin’ chips and cheese, shoutin’, “Barry, fuckin’ leave him!” Buzz Lightyear and Woody handcuffed up against a shop window. “Watch this, Buzz.” “You’re my favourite deputy!” “You’re gonna get us a weekender, you fuckin’ knob. Shut up.” (GROWLS) Uh… Big summer of sport, we did have. We had, er… we had the Olympics, don’t know if we enjoyed that. The Olympics. Yeah! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (BOOING) Somebody booing the Olympics there. (CHUCKLES) I fuckin’ hated it. I hate PE. Fuckin’ boo. I enjoyed it. Usain Bolt, that’s a great name, innit? You can make his name sound quite confrontational. “You sayin’? (TUTS) Bolt.” That’s his middle name, atut. “You sayin’? (TUTS) Bolt.” Olympics. I enjoyed the Olympics and the Paralympics. I enjoyed the whole thing. Thought it was pretty good. See, the prefix “para”, it means “parallel”, that’s why they call it the Paralympics. Parallel, it runs parallel with the actual Olympics. See, “para” to me and people my age, I’ve always associated that with “paranoia”. If you describe somebody as being a bit para, it means they’ve just had too many good weekends. And their brain has just said, “Fuck this, I’m outta here. “You can do the rest yourself. I’m just gonna…” You know the guys you see in house parties about 8:00 in the morning, long after the party’s finished. Just sittin’ on the couch wearing somebody’s mum’s dress. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Both their eyebrows missin’. That’s somebody you would say, “He looks a bit para.” I laughed this year when I seen “Paralympics”. “How fuckin’ good would that be?” An athletics event for acid casualties. I’d go to that. Just a thought I had, the Para-lympics. See some guy shattering the 100 metre record ’cause he thought the police were chasing him. Commentator, “And what made this even more special, “was he completed the entire race with his head over his left shoulder “whilst frantically emptying his pockets on to the track.” They could have a false start at the Para-lympics. “The fuckin’ voice in my head said go.” The divin’. Some guy up the top of the divin’ board just refusin’ to jump. “No chance. That’s the fuckin’ shallow end.” How about you, big guy. Do you play any sports? The guy with the biceps there. Yeah, yeah. Olympics get you inspired, no? Get involved, no? He plays sports. What do you play? Anything you want. Anything you want to play. I’m not seeing if you’re comin’ out, I’m just asking. I’m not at your fuckin’ door with a ball under my arm. It’s not the summer holidays, and we’re not ten. I’m just asking, do you play? I’m kind of busy the noo for a game of kerby. I’m just askin’… “Anything you want to play.” Aye, it’s pishin’ doon. “Will we just play the computer? Sit in?” Do you play computer games? No? You don’t play. I gave up on them. I played COD. That’s what my wee cousin said, “You need to get COD. Call of Duty.” I’ll explain that to anybody over 40. It’s the biggest selling computer game of all time. It’s Call of Duty. The kids call it COD. I’ll just explain that in case you ever get invited over for a game of COD. And you show up with the wrong fuckin’ stuff. Walk into your nephew’s living room, start fuckin’ slappin’ people. “I bet you never thought Uncle Eddie could play COD, boys, eh? “I was the old West of Scotland semi-finalist in the eighties at COD, fuckin’ love it. “Still got it. After this we’ll play smoked haddock. “Same rules, different fish. “That is fuckin’ mingin’, Uncle Eddie. “Sorry about him, boys. He’s a fuckin’ fanny.” I was always the PlayStation generation growing up. I was always terrified. You play COD these days, it’s too real. It’s a war game. You control this guy in a war zone. It’s high-definition graphics, there’s a storyline. See, I’m used to the old days. You played a computer game and your guy would die. So you would just go back to the start and then try again. And it was fun. These games, Call of Duty, your guy dies, you’re fucking stunned. I better go and buy a poppy. You start to feel guilt. “I better… “I better go and lay a wreath for this guy.” Picture myself standing there, people saying, “Oh, who did you know?” “Oh, I knew a guy called Player 1.” The window cleaner came to my door for his money, and I forgot to press “pause”. So you don’t play much sport then? Big guy, what’s your name? Me? Chris. Chris? Your name’s Chris. Good man, Chris. I was always petrified of playing sport. When I was young, at school… I blame the managers. That’s the problem with youth development in football in this country. Go to your local playing fields on a Saturday morning and watch these guys who manage under-tens. Go, if you’ve got a relative involved. Otherwise, it can look a bit dubious if you just sort of show up every week. I watch these guys. These guys, they’ve got their initials stitched on to their tracksuit, on the touchline. They’ve got an earpiece in, so they can communicate to their assistant manager. He’s sitting up on a fucking tree. They’ve got a pair of Adidas Sambas on, football socks pulled up, a pair of nice, tight shorts, nice eighties-style. They’re just screaming abuse. That’s what put me off. Terrifying, these guys. Just going, “Jamie, come inside.” Just screaming demoralising abuse at 9-year-olds. “Come inside, son. Jamie, Jamie. None of that fancy stuff… “Oh, fuck you, Jamie! “That’s why your mum’s an alky, ya wee prick. “I know, George, but it’s every fucking Saturday!” Big summer of sport. Did you go on any holidays this summer, Chris? You’re going next week? Where are you going? Going to Florida? Good man. They don’t understand a fucking word I say. I done a gig in America. And after the gig, a guy said to me, (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) “Uh, hey, buddy, “uh, are you actually Scottish?” And I said, “Yes.” A bit of your soul dies when you say, “Yes.” You’re used to saying, “Aye.” You feel your brain giving you a wanker sign. “Yes!” He said, “Are you actually Scottish?” And I said, “Yes.” And he said, “Man, your English is so good.” I went away this year. I went away with my mates. I went on a lads’ holiday this year for the first time. I’ve always seen… I went away. Done a bit of flying. The airport… Still annoying, 11 years since 9/11 and Bin Laden’s dead. And they’re still asking to check the bottom of your shoes ’cause you’re still not allowed on board the plane with dog shite. Right? I know. Everybody still getting their toiletries put in the bin, your brand-new holiday toiletries. Surely, airport security staff can now distinguish between terrorists and talented people. You see, hijacking a plane with a knife and flying it into a building, that’s terrorism. However, blowing up a plane with a bottle of Pantene Pro-V conditioner, that’s a fucking achievement. If somebody was to stand up on my flight and shout, “Nobody fucking move. “Hit the deck, fuckers. It’s shampoo time.” I’d imagine I would laugh. Do they think people are gonna be in a frenzy, going… “Just stand back. Don’t approach him. He’s got L’Oréal. It’s not worth it.” I went on a holiday. And you see it from a different perspective when you go on holiday with your friends for the first time. I’ve always seen them in action. But when you actually go on one, a boys’ or a girls’ holiday, the holiday starts months in advance. The day you go and book the holiday, that’s a wee holiday in itself. “Saturday morning, get a couple of cans, let’s get fucking steaming. “Go and book this.” You don’t just send a couple of representatives. About 18 of you go to the travel agent. Fucking boot the door off the hinges. “Get us tae fuck.” “The deal in the window, times 18.” Of the original 18 who sign up, only four will make it. It’s a bit like a boot camp. “Unemployed as fuck” mates, they are the first ones to bail on you. They fall at the first huddle. “Don’t know if I can go, lads, unless my PPI comes in.” “Do you think Thomas Cook will take self-esteem?” I went away. I went away for two weeks with my mates. That’s a mistake that you make once in your life, going on a holiday with your friends for two weeks. You go on holiday with your friends for two weeks, you will discover that you have no friends. The second week you start to feel feelings of overwhelming anger. You don’t even know why you’re furious. Inhuman levels of fucking rage. Just sitting at the side of the pool with a hat on, shorts, sunburn right up to there and sunburn to here. Your t-shirt still damp ’cause you’ve been in the pool. Just sitting there fuckin’ raging. “See that fucking prick? “I’m gonna fucking kill him.” “Why, what’s he done?” “Just fucking look at him.” “The way he reads the paper, he turns the page and, ‘Ew, ew’ “He fucking knows it annoys me!” (CHUCKLING) “I fuckin’ hate him.” You see the real guys on your plane. We were the newcomers. You see the professional lads’ holidays with their t-shirts made. They’re on your plane, nicknames on the t-shirts. “Shagger”, “Rambo”, “Craigie”, “Ginge”, that’s the four accepted nicknames for a professional, class of ’97, guys who have made bail money in Pesetas and Escudos. They’re the guys on your plane hitting the call-bell 40,000 feet saying, “Excuse me, mate,” “gonna give that CD to the pilot? Tell him Track 10.” Know when you’re that drunk, it’s only your finger that can move? They’re still trying to buy more alcohol. The cabin crew are saying, “You do realise, guys,” “that one alcoholic drink consumed in the sky” “it’s the equivalent of two consumed on the ground?” “Hey, do you hear that, Craigie?” “Fuckin’ wake up, guy said it’s two for ones, mate. Get up.” “Get up, you prick. It’s happy hour.” They’re the real guys. I went to the south of Spain on holiday. I try to be a bit more cultured. I’ve been trying to learn Spanish for about a year. I was fed up being abroad and having people translate for me into English. That’s pretty humiliating, innit, as a Scottish person? You walk into a pub and say, “Are you still serving food?” “Uh, qué?” (IN ENGLISH ACCENT) “He asked you, are you still serving food?” “Ah, sí, sí, sí.” Then the guy swans away as if he’s fucking bilingual. “That’s what I said.” In America… I had a can of Coke in America. I was looking for a bin. I just said to a guy… Just an everyday task, just an everyday question, “Where’s the bin?” The guy was even sweeping up and he had a jacket on. It was obvious he worked in the bin industry. I said, “Mate, where’s the bin?” And it just became a situation. The guy just sort of looked at me. You know the way your dog looks at you when it catches you having a wank? “A bin. A bin.” There’s only three letters and one syllable. How many variations in the word “bin” can be offered? A bin. I’ve got to a stage of speaking Spanish… Have we got any Spanish people in? MAN: Yeah. Just one guy at the back. What bit of Spain are you from, mate? Fuckin’ Provanmill, Royston or something? “Yes!” I’ve got to a stage, I can say things in Spanish that Spanish people can already say in English. That’s where I’m at. I’ve got the tourist stuff kind of nailed, like… Una mesa para cuatro, por favor. That means, Chris, “A table for four, please.” I’ve got these discs. The guy says it a few times. He says, “Una mesa… “…para cuatro… “…por favor.” (IN ENGLISH ACCENT) “A table for four please.” That’s the kind of shit I sit and listen to. Then he says it again and again. Una… …mesa… …para cuatro… …por favor. “A table for four, please.” And they say it again. They actually say it that many times, I started drifting off and imagining if anybody has ever been found fucking dead listening to these, just… Suicide note wrote in broken Spanish. Have all got too… Muchas. Una mesa… …para cuatro… …por favor. “A table for four, please.” That was the only bit I took in. That’s crucial knowledge, ’cause I know that when me and three associates walk into a restaurant in Spain, I can tell the headwaiter is looking at us and thinking, “Well, I wonder what the fuck these guys want.” But fortunately, I’m on hand to diffuse the situation. I have been thoroughly briefed. I step forward to showcase my new skills. I say, “Una mesa… “…para cuatro… “…por favor.” And it came true. We get sat at a table for four. The guy brought the menu. In Spanish. Then I fucking crumbled. Other three, they’re losing their minds, going, “What the fuck’s a hamburgeresa?” Huh? “I don’t trust this place. I’m goin’ to McDonalds.” Everybody goes on about the Glasgow accent. I don’t think it’s that bad. You hear some accents that are pretty hard to understand. I seen something beautiful on holiday. I went to a karaoke bar. I never sing, I just went to watch. And a Scouser came on stage. And it’s a universal must-see. It was my holiday highlight watching this guy from Liverpool on the stage in a karaoke bar. One of the funniest things I’ve ever fucking seen. And the guy never meant it to be funny. I felt a bit bad. He was singing his fucking heart out. And I’m in the corner, pissing my pants laughing. He’s just there with his girlfriend and he was up. He was singing that Lady Gaga song, Alejandro. He’s going… (IN SCOUSE ACCENT) # Don’t call me name # Don’t call me name #Alejandro # I’m not your babe I’m not your babe, Fernando #Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro # I’m sitting there going, “This guy does not even know how fucking good this is to watch “as an outsider.” And he gets up again. He’s going… # Baby, you’re a firework# The whole pub’s in the car park thinkin’ the fire alarm’s going off. I got asked last week, “What kind of music do you like, Kev?” I don’t know. I don’t have a fucking clue. Modern stuff, just sounds the same to me. Everything’s just all that R&B stuff, bit like, these days, isn’t it? In Da Club, all that sort of stuff. # Everybody in da club In da club # That’s the way every song sounds to me. # In da club, in da club In da club # They just speak in a language I don’t get. # Everybody gonna shuffle on down In da club # We’re getting freaky In da club # I’m feeling sexy In da club # In da club, in da club, In da club, in da club # DJ spinning my song In da club # In da club # Everything happens in this club with these pricks, innit? # We ain’t gonna stop till it’s time to start again # In da club # In da club, in da club, in da club # Know songs that just make you feel thick? You actually feel it deleting cookies in your brain. # In da club, in da club, in da club # And the song finishes and you think, “Fucking hell, I now know less stuff. “I’ve just forgot the difference between a pastoral and an arable farm. “What the fuck? Did I just forget standard-grade geography there “’cause of that song?” # In da club, in da club, in da club # Even their names, Will.i.am. That guy, how do you get to that stage in your celebrity status? Will.i.am? His name is William. You just decide to start putting full stops in the middle. Will.i.am. If I was to request to be known as Kev.i.n, I’d get a fucking slap in the face. If I was to sit my dad down and say, “Dad, I’m thinking about reinventing myself as Kev.i.n.” He’d be sayin’… “Just run that by me again, son. “Want to step outside, talk me through this?” Like that song, Bruno Mars, that’s when I lost a bit of faith in modern music. “I’d catch a grenade for you”, that song. I heard that a few years ago. It was on a lot. # I’d catch a grenade for you# I was like, “That’s what passes for romance these days.” That’s a love song in the modern day. “I would catch a grenade for you.” That’s a guy singing about the depths of his love for what I’m guessing is his girlfriend, that he’s prepared to catch… I don’t mean to offer the guy relationship advice, but if you’re dating somebody who people are chucking grenades at… (WOMAN WHOOPS) …that’s your first fucking problem right there. “Is that an ex of yours? Fucking hell.” Where does he plan on taking her? A romantic stroll down the Helmand Province? “Come on. “I’ll fucking catch them. Come on. “Come on. Come on. “Oh, you’re so cute when you worry. “Come on. “Oh, don’t worry. I fucking caught it. There you go.” It’s the kind of girl your mum would say, “I think you can do a bit better than that, son.” I like a bit of honesty in my song lyrics. If I was singing a love song, I’d be singing promises I could deliver. “I would take a dead arm for you.” I’d listen to that, “I’d take a deidie…” # I’d take a deidie for you# “I’d take a right good fucking slagging for you.” Aye, we like our celebrity these days. We like that. A bit of celebrity culture. I’m the same. I watch these fucking chat shows with all these plant pots like Nicole Scherzinger and Nicky Manaj and Madonna and all these people just… I’ve been on chat shows with these fucking types. You know, they’re goin’, “Yeah.” You know, that self-absorbed… I would love to host a chat show… Been thinking about this. I’d love to host a chat show… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) I would call it Did Ye? Aye? ‘Cause that is the only thing I think when I watch these people, you know, that self-absorbed… just lack of humility when they start whinging. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) “You know, man, after the incident, “which I’m not prepared to talk about, “uh, I guess I disappeared into a bad place. “You know, I went to a dark place “and I didn’t even know myself any more. “I was pretty low. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t even know “who that guy was any more, man. “That was a tough time for me. “But I realise now that I had to go to that place “to survive. “I had to go to that place and survive to get to this place, you know, man? “I had to go there to get here.” “Oh, did ye? Aye?” Just that one dismissive term and then just leaving it hanging, just offering a vacant stare in return. Till the studio audience – the tension’s unbearable. Occasionally breaking the stare to give the crowd the “Who’s this prick?” look. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) “Yeah, there’s so many different me’s, you know? “There’s happy me, angry me… “And you do not want to see angry me. “And I guess I was becoming this new me “that you guys in the media had created, “and you know, I get tired.” “Oh, did ye? Aye?” It’s like, at school… Remember at school when somebody was talking shite, you could just counter their claims by going, “Bah, bah, bah!” That’s how I feel when I watch a celebrity chat. “Did ye? Aye? Bah, bah, bah!” Some aspects of school life should have continued long into adulthood. That’s number one in the list. When somebody’s talking fucking nonsense, that should remain a valid retort. “Bah, bah, bah!” That made me laugh at 10. It makes me laugh at 25. I’ll fucking… I’ll laugh at that when I’m in my 80’s. I’ll be in a nursing home. There’ll be some care worker saying, “Mr Bridges, I hope you know your grandchildren are so excited” “to come and visit you on Sunday.” “Isn’t that nice, really?” “They can’t wait to come and see you.” “They’re so excited to come and spend the whole day with you.” And I’ll be going, “Bah, bah, bah!” I fucking hated school. I could never even enjoy the weekends at primary school. I could never even enjoy the weekends for worrying about going back on the Monday. Remember that? I used to get a gut-wrenching feeling on Sundays. It was the telly programs like Lovejoy and London’s Burning and then Heartbeat. Oh. You used to have that “school in the morning” telly. The Heartbeat theme tune would come on. Just feels as if it’s goin’ fuckin’ in your arse and ripping your spirit out through your arsehole. Oh! (GROANING) That’s my spirit leaving my arse again. (GROANING) (VOCALISING HEARTBEATS THEME) (GROANING) # Heartbeat… “Oh, you…” # Why do you… fucking school in the fucking morning# Claude Greengrass, how come every time he’s on the telly, I need to go for a bath? Old bastard. I enjoyed high school. Used to do that… used to play a bit of truant. I need to call it “playin’ truant” ’cause we’ve got a DVD. Don’t want to talk about fucking “dogging” in case there’s English watching it. (IN ENGLISH ACCENT) “Is he talking about his school days” “and he was going dogging?” “Should we reopen this case? Is that what you mean?” Playing’ truant up here, it’s called dogging. I used to like that. I never done it a lot. I just used to go in… Maybe a wee… One Friday a month. One Friday. Always a Friday. Take a wee voluntary day off, get as far as registration. Say, “Here, miss”, and then fuck off. Back to somebody’s mum and dad’s house about 9:30. They’d be at work, place to ourselves. And we always had a mate who would always show up at these playin’ truant or dogging sessions. He always used to have pornos on him. That was his thing. He loved pornos. Not porn. Pornos. And they came in magazine format and VHS format and then, towards the latter stages, in DVD format. Everybody liked a bit of porn, but this wee guy was fucking fascinated. Porn was his thing, right. Never seen him since school. Wee weirdo, kind of… Liked burning stuff and all that. You know, one of thay guys? Put a bit of shite on a stick and chase you. You’d leave your lunch and you’d come back and there’s a fucking pube in it. And he’s going… (CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY) There was one day, we were playin’ truant, full house, and he’d brought along his school bag. He had some porn in it. And from the porn bag, he produced a porn DVD and it was genuinely entitled, Anal Pandemonium 5. That’s what he pulled out. That was the title. That title will stick with you your whole life. Anal Pandemonium 5. Right, so you look at it. Thinkin’, “Fuckin’… This is… This is monumental. “The first time I’ve ever seen the DVD cover of Anal Pandemonium 5. “I don’t know if this is… “I’m just at the Red Shoe Diaries. “Am I getting fast tracked here?” But it was unanimous. Only one option for the afternoon’s entertainment, stuck it on the DVD player. None of us had seen the first four but we’re getting the gist. Everybody transfixed on it. Porno. Five, ten minutes in, wee weirdo guy, he got up, and he left the sitting area, and went upstairs to the bathroom and upon his return, it was noted he was gone too long to be taking a piss… but not long enough to be doing a shite. Accusations begin to fly, Anal Pandemonium 5 gets paused. “Fucking pause that till we speak to this pervert here.” One of thay big unmistakable… “We are watching porn” pauses, dildos lying on the… Nobody’s gonna walk in and go, “What’s that you’re watching?” Just fucking filth! That was the backdrop for this interrogation! And he went on the defensive, he said… We’re going, (INHALES) “Where have you been, you fucking dirty bastard?” And he’s going, “Oh, whoa, whoa…” He said, “I was just upstairs.” He said, “I was taking a shite.” And we’re looking at the time, trying to do the maths, thinking, “A shite? In that time? “Did you forget to wipe your arse?” And he said, “No, “it was a ghostie!” Immediately, we’re on the back foot, we never even considered that an option. A ghostie… The perfect shite, not one sheet of toilet roll required. Not a flush is needed. The environment does not get damaged in the slightest. Just casually strolls right out, “Don’t mind me, mate, nothing to see.” Hits the water, cheerio. “Nothing. But I’m sure I… “I’m sure I took a shite there. “It felt like a shite. “It smells like a shite. “I needed a shite, I now no longer need a shite. “But I cannot seem to locate a shite.” It’s like Keyser Söze, just fucking gone. That was it. We even apologised to the guy, “Sorry, mate, we thought… “I won’t even mention what we thought, here, go have your… “Back to your seat there, un-pause the feature.” He was doing a shite. Big fan of… I just realised I just said “shite” about 10 times. Shite’s a great word innit? Underused. It’s only Scotland and Ireland, we still keep that strong, “Shite!” Don’t like “Shit!” Shit has become a utility word. Shite… Shite means shite! Shit means anything these days, “Do you want to smoke some of that shit?” “I’m really diggin’ your shit!” “I need to go home and pack my shit.” You could never put “shite” in thay sentences. (APPLAUSE) “Do you want to smoke some of that shite?” “You’re really diggin’ my shite.” “You’re going home early to pack your shite?” Or “poo”. That’s annoying. Adults that still say poo. “Guys, uh… can we stop the car. I really have to go for a poo.” “Can I just see your ID here? “You’re over seven, and you want to go for a poo?” A poo! That’s that new voice that’s creepin’ in, you know that? “Hey, guys.” That sort of voice. I’m… I still live in Glasgow, I moved out of my family home about eight months ago, I live in the West End. And that’s the way… They’ve got that new… (CHEERING) You know that new, homogenised… “Hey, guys, “Uh, what’s your chat?” You know that new… “What… What’s your chat? “Ah, yeah, we were out last night for Callum’s birthday drinks and, uh… “Wasn’t Fraser’s banter totally bangin’, wasn’t it? “Oh, yeah. “Fraser, oh… It was Callum and Gavin are such a double act, aren’t they, though? Oh… “Their banter was on fire. “Top chat. Yeah, really top chat, top banter. “Totally top bants. “All I remember was, Rebecca bought me a Jägerbomb, and then er… “me and Gavin were planking in Burger King. “I woke up this morning, I was actually dyin’. “Top banter, top chat.” That’s the way they fucking… That’s the kind of freaks I live beside these days. Top banter! (APPLAUSE, WHISTLING) I moved out. I’ve never… I got on the property ladder, bought myself a nice wee flat, and I’ve never viewed a property in my fuckin’ life, but I was needing a bit of advice. My dad, he volunteered himself as a property expert. He said, “If you’re going viewing places, son…” “I’m gonna come with.” “Because what’ll happen is, you’ll walk into a nice wee flat,” “you’ll get excited,” “the guy who owns it will see you’re excited,” “then the fucking price goes up.” “Whereas me,” “poker face.” He’s never viewed a property in his life. My dad’s been in the same council house his whole fucking life. You don’t… You don’t go and view a council flat, you just… You don’t get a survey or a home report done, you just get told, “That’s where you’re gonna live now, get fucking in!” But he’s volunteered himself as the property expert. Me and him are rockin’ up there, to view this guy’s gaff. Me and him, like fuckin’ Colin and Justin, walkin’ up… My dad’s goin’ “Poker faces”. We never even got into the guy’s house, and my dad had dissolved, he’s going, “Look, that car’s got a valid tax disc.” “They’ve got a few quid up here. Get a wee photograph of that, son.” You learn some of life’s… harshest lessons as well, when you live on your own for the first time, some of life’s toughest lessons. Lurpak Spreadable is… un-spreadable. That was the most recent one. That was a tough one to take. I’m stood there, lunchtime, making myself a piece and crisps. I have been nothing short of meticulous in my preparations. I’ve decided how many crisps I’m gonna put on the sandwich, and how many crisps I’m gonna keep in the packet as a wee side dish. I was even whistling, having a nice wee day, got my butter knife, commenced the spread. Within seconds it turned sinister. My wrist nearly fucking snapped. Just check that says “spreadable”. All right, it must be… must be me, then, I better change my technique, I’ll go for rotations, there… Bits of your worktop start to appear through the bread. Just had to abort the mission. Lunchtime just spent in the garden eating half a packet of crisps, feeding the birds. “There you go, lads.” Even the pigeons are going, “What the fuck happened to that, mate?” “Come here and look at this, lads.” “Trying to feed us this shite?” “You put that in a fuckin’ shredder, mate?” How many more innocent bits of bread must be ripped apart “before somebody challenges these bastards?” That should be their new advert, “Lurpak Spreadable, bah, bah, bah!” Aye, still live up here. 25 years old, I got a… I got an iPhone for my birthday. My mum and dad, they got me an iPhone. A pretty extravagant gift, that’s what they got me. Sounds like a lovely gesture. But you get iPhones for free. All they done was sign me up to a contract. That’s when you realise you’re in the real world. You move out the family home, and you start getting fucking presents like that. “Happy birthday, son!” “We got you a wee £40-a-month direct debit set up, okay? “Wee monthly reminder, how much we love you.” That’s what I got. And it turns you into a fucking moron, these smart phones. I’ve got it, and you sit touching it, caressing it, and… constantly checking it, using it for everything. It’s actually a novelty to be on the phone for a phone call, I’ve… I’ve been on the phone and I’ve drifted off in the conversation, and I’ve suddenly been hit by a wave of panic thinking, “Fuck, where’s my phone?” “I need to go, mate, I’ve lost my pho…” (LAUGHS) “You know what I just done there?” (LAUGHS) That’s it. I heard a guy answer his phone on a train. He was sat behind me, and it was his mate Francis who was on the phone. I knew that because he answered the phone, by saying, “Francis?” And the guy never spoke again, the whole conversation, he just… He just laughed. And it wasn’t like a nice infectious laugh, it was one of thay laughs where the joke clearly has a victim. You know, it’s just… You don’t know the story, but your sympathies lie with the protagonist. He said, “Francis…” (LAUGHS) (GASPS) (CONTINUES LAUGHING) “All right. All right, mate. All right. Bye-bye. Right. Cheers.” I still take public transport. I know some of you probably don’t believe that. Sat there goin’, “Fucking no chance. That’s Kev.i.n. up there, fucking no way.” (LAUGHS) I still take the bus. I don’t drive, that’s my problem. I’ve took driving lessons once in my life, but I took them in London. When I was there for three months to fill my days, I thought “I’ll do something productive.” Tried to learn how to drive. A driving lesson in London, it’s just you and a guy parked in a traffic jam. After about 10 minutes, he starts, you know, “OK, mate,” “well, that’s Radio 1, just press that in there.” “Er, that’s your cigarette lighter. Just give that a few seconds, there, buddy.” “I don’t know if you smoke, but that should be good to go.” “Glove compartment. Don’t know if you wear gloves, mate,” “that’s where to keep them.” “If your hands get a bit sweaty… Okay, we’re now gonna reverse back” “15 yards, we’ll drop you home and we’ll see you next Wednesday.” That was as far as I got. I was on a bus up here about six months ago. And a guy got on, he put his money in. The bus driver said, “How much is that?” And the guy said, “It’s £1.70.” “How?” In Glasgow, “how” means “why”. I don’t know why that is… You don’t say “£1.70, why?” You say “£1.70, how?” You don’t ponder “why”, you demand “how”. He said “£1.70. How?” And the driver said, “Well, it’s £1.85 for a single.” And the guy said, “It was £1.70 yesterday. “Ya fucking dick!” Classic negotiation tactics. Well, the driver held his nerve. And he said, “Well, it’s £1.85 today, you fuckin’ dick!” It was good. On public transport you see a battle of the wits like this. And the guy just lost it, he said, “£1.85?” “I don’t want to buy the fucking bus!” He’s doing that sort of appealing for witnesses. And it goes on, and the guy starts punching the bit of perspex to get to the driver. And over years of taking the bus, I have familiarised myself with the on board safety instructions. When a guy kicks off with the driver, don’t even fucking look. Just turn, look out the window, stare at the chewing gum and go to a happy place. Have a bit of me time. (LAUGHS) “I wonder how many fish fingers I’ve got in the freezer?” “I’m pretty sure I seen there were three. Like…” “I need to stop eating odd numbers of fish fingers.” “That was inevitable there was gonna be three left.” “Now what the fuck am I gonna do with three fish fingers?” “That’s not a lunch or a tea, that’s just no man’s land.” “I’m gonna have to have one of thay Tuesday night dinners” “when you put a gammon steak and then just chuck the three fish fingers on as well.” That’s a mingin’ combo. Wherever you go, in your happy place, you start to find that you get to know yourself. I looked out the window, and there was a stationery shop. I never knew I liked stationery until that minute. “That’s a fuckin’ great deal on rubbers.” “When was the last time I rubbed something out?” “I might go in there, buy back rubbers,” “I’ll need to buy a pencil, sharpen it, a nice new pad.” “A nice sharp pencil, write my name, then just fucking rub it out.” By the time I had come back in for a landing, this situation had been resolved. A good Samaritan had put the extra money in, just to get the bus moving. And the guy was on. He’d made it. Everybody’s bracing themselves. “Where’s he gonna sit?” It was quite a quiet bus. The guy is on! And it was then I… I realised, I was… I was sat in the seats that are designed for conversation, you know the seats that face in opposite direction for people looking for stimulating debate with like-minded folk on the world’s big issues. Speakers’ Corner, that’s where I was sat. And the guy, he came in, and sat right opposite me. He never recognised me, oblivious to the fact he was sitting opposite Kev.i.n. Never fuckin’… (MUMBLING) And the bus… The bus is pulling away. He’s not going to a happy place, he’s looking at that stationery shop, “I might go in there and buy a pencil,” “sharpen it and stab him in the eye, the fucking wanker.” The bus is going on, and he started talking to me. He said, “Where are you going, mate?” And I said, “I’m just gonna meet my mate at the cinema.” And he said “I’ve not been to the cinema…” “I’ve not been to the cinema in fucking ages.” And I said “Oh, all right.” If you’re struggling for small talk, you need to keep it going. You don’t want the guy thinking you’re being ignorant. I just said, “Oh, all right.” And he said, “Did you ever see that movie Social Network?” That’s what he asked me. And I said, “Oh, the movie about Facebook?” And he said, “Correct!” As if, “You survived that fucking round.” He said, “That Mark Zuckerberg,” “he’s worth billions, mate.” And I said, “Oh, I can imagine.” Then he said, “How?” Then I said, “Well, he’s the owner of Facebook.” And he said, “How does that make money, mate? It’s fucking free!” And you don’t laugh, the on board safety instructions tell you, “Do not…” In order to avoid a punctured lung, keep your face firmly… Keep your face firmly on screensaver mode, just… He said, “If I was in charge of Facebook, mate, I’d be saying fucking quid a go.” It gave me a small sense of hometown pride when I realised the guy was serious. Small sense of hometown pride that there must be very few places in the world where Mark Zuckerberg would be offered financial advice from a guy who was 15 pence short for a single on a fucking bus. Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a nice crowd. I don’t… I don’t always… Thank you. (CROWD CHEERING) I done a show this year in Arbroath, a wee show in Arbroath… I don’t know if any… It made the papers. A guy, he walked in about 10 seconds late and I said, “How is it going, sir?” And he… he looked at me with fucking venom in his eyes. He was just right there. And I… You know the way you can tell when somebody’s kiddin’ on? And somebody’s fucking mental? I said, “I’m just saying, are you all right, mate?” And he said, “No.” He said, “I’m not all right.” He said, “In fact, I’m gonna kick your cunt in!” Even in Scotland… to any English folk here, that’s aggressive. I’m gonna kick your… I was a wee bit taken aback, but another guy in the audience leapt to my defence. And I apologise for the language in advance here. I’m only quoting this guy, and it’s probably the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard. He said “Your arse!” “Ya fanny!” “You’re gonna kick no cunt’s cunt in!” (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you’ve had a laugh, hope you’ve had a… a smile, know, that sort of stuff. Some jokes make you laugh, some make you smile. Thank you. I try to keep it as funny as possible, comedy can be… Comedy can be tough when you’re not funny. The same way that being a priest can be tough when you’ve got Tourette Syndrome. That’s… No, you’ll be going, “In the name of the Father, “and of the… Smell your maw!” (CROWD LAUGHING) “Just you calm yourself, Father. “Let’s finish this guy’s funeral.” Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening, take care of yourselves. Have a good weekend, see you again sometime. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Everybody get fuckin’ back in! This is when a comedy show becomes a hostage situation. Fucking back! Look at them. Away to catch the fuckin’ Garage, eh? You’d catch that, wouldn’t you? I don’t know where you’d catch.. Away to fucking bang the Tunnel? Yeah. Across the train station. Saturday night. I love watching wee guys arguing with bouncers. I like to… I love that on a Saturday night. I seen a wee guy, he was arguing, he had fire in his belly, it was his God-given right to be on the premises that evening, and the bouncer was saying… “I need to see ID.” And the wee guy said, “I’ve showed you ID before!” And the bouncer said, “When? When did you show me ID?” And the wee guy just lost it, and he said, “When did I didnae?” “When did I didnae?” That’s the kind of sentence that gets you from a knock back into the wee VIP bit. “Right this way, sir. ‘When did I didnae’ guy.” So, thanks for waiting behind there, thank you, thanks for coming out. All that sort of stuff, usual stuff. Thanks. Much appreciated. It’s been nice talking to you, we’re gonna… We’ve got a special guest here, don’t know if… You’re pretty… Might have a clue who that’s gonna be. A guy, he’s flew in all the way from the United States of America. For the DVD, a special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s his first time in Glasgow. Give it up please, for Chad Hogan! (CROWD APPLAUDS) Good evening, Glasgow. Whoo! How many of y’all having an empty tonight? I want to know. Or more like getting an empty, it should be, right? But, eh… I’ve prepared a little, like rap thing, not really, but… It’s two lines. Now… (CROWD CHEERING) I got it… – Do you need a beat? (BEATBOXING) – Yeah, you got me? # In da club, in da club # (CROWD APPLAUDS) # Now have you heard the news there’s a party going round # In Long Island for the weekend Chad Hogan’s parents are out of town # Do you know Chad Hogan? # Everybody knows that man I heard it’s gonna be crazy # I heard he’s hiring a band # Now I say spring, you say break!# Spring! CROWD: Break! Spring! CROWD: Break! Woo! Spring break! Chad Hogan! What a fucking guy, ladies and gentlemen, take care of yourselves. Thanks for coming out. See you next time. (CROWD CHEERS)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far… Live in Glasgow (2010) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-bridges-story-so-far-live-glasgow-transcript/

♪ I’m at the crossroads ♪ ♪ Getting drowned in white lines ♪ ♪ A bad moon is rising ♪ ♪ But now I’m doing time ♪ ♪ But I’ll just keep walking ♪ ♪ And this devil I will find ♪ ♪ Got no home to go to ♪ ♪ I can’t sleep at night ♪ ♪ Broken and falling ♪ ♪ Falling, I’m broken ♪ ♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪ ♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪ ♪ On my mind ♪ ♪ Broken and falling ♪ ♪ Broken and falling ♪ ♪ I’m broken ♪ ♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪ ♪ Got whisky on my mind ♪ ♪ On my mind ♪ ♪ My train is calling ♪ ♪ My train is calling ♪ ♪ No woman I can find. ♪ ♪ No woman I can find. ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges. Hello. Audience: Hello. How are we today in Glasgow? Friday night, it’s fucking payday. Here we go. It’s good to be here in the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are. The SECC, or as it’s known locally, “that fucking SECC”. “Three quid for a hotdog in that fucking SECC.” “See that queue at the bar in that fucking SECC.” Over in these big venues, you know, when people come out and they see their mates, and they’re on the phone going, “Where are you?” “We’re in D, we’re in D. Where are you at?” “I’m in K.” “D, E, F, G, H, I, J… K.” “Stand up. What are you wearing?” “Er, yellow T-shirt.” “Oh, aye, I can see you. I can see you. Wanker! Wanker!” It’s nice to be here. I’ve seen… I’ve seen Lady Gaga perform. Yeah, I’ve seen Lady Gaga in here. It’s easy… It’s easy to slag Lady Gaga, but the guy puts on a good show. I’ve seen him up here singing about his poker face. No, he’s a talented bloke, he is. So, did you see the entrance, did you see the intro, Tony Soprano, eh? I don’t even drive, man. See how smooth that was? I don’t even drive. It’d kind of ruin Tony Soprano’s image if he’d just whipped out a provisional driving license. You believe this fuckin’ cocksucker? You believe this fucking guy? So, it is good to be back. This is the last night of the tour. Good to be back in Glasgow. Good to come back in Glasgow because you can speak. You know, when you travel with a Scottish accent, it’s kind of hard. Nobody understands anything you’re saying, no. I’ve done a few TV shows. I’m a pretty fucking big deal, you know? I’m serious news. No, I’ve done a few TV shows. When you’ve got a Scottish accent on the telly, you need to try to enunciate and use proper English. But it’s hard to find the right balance, ’cause no matter how hard you try to enunciate and use proper English, there’s still somebody from Leamington Spa. “When we saw you on the television “I didn’t quite understand everything you were saying.” “I didn’t quite catch it. Some of it was a bit over my head. “Your accent is really quite strong. You’ve got a really thick Scotch accent. “Didn’t quite catch everything you said.” Whilst there’s somebody in Scotland saying, “We’ve seen you on the telly “talking like a fucking bender.” “Care to explain yourself?” And when you travel down south and you tell people you’re from Glasgow, they get quite excited. They go, “Glasgow, yeah, it’s really quite rough, isn’t it? “Really violent, yeah.” You kind of get proud, and you go, “Oh, aye. Oh, aye.” “You know, a lot of tough guys.” “Oh, aye, a lot of tough men, yeah.” Then they visit the place and they’re a bit disappointed. We’re trying to get away from the stereotypes. We’ve got a new promotional tourist campaign called “Glasgow: Scotland With Style”. Anybody seen the posters? It’s one of these kind of homogenised posters of people, supposed to be the new face of Glasgow. People with names like Nathan. You know, every major city advertises the happy people like Nathan, and it’s this guy who’s in the poster, “Nathan, sales assistant”. “Proud Glaswegian.” I don’t think a sales assistant called Nathan is a fair representation of any major city. I think major cities should play up to those stereotypes on the billboards advertising your city, show them real people, like wee Mental Davey. Apprentice joiner. Father of six. Davey’s there in the billboard with the six kids all tucked into the one tracksuit. A Lacoste tracksuit – only the best for these kids, they’re all dressed up for their granny’s 30th. You’ve got six kids, you’ve got Keanu, you’ve got Sigourney… Destiny. That’s a new one, Destiny. Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in. “This is Destiny, and this is my son, The Garage.” That was a nice shock statistic about teenage pregnancy. Apparently one in three 15-year-olds in the UK admit to being sexually active. That was a shock tabloid headline. I don’t know where they get this kind of evidence, no. I don’t know who they ask to get these statistics. You know, if some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old, in front of all your pals, and asked you if you were sexually active. You’d say, “Fucking right, mate.” “Who, Shagger?” Put me in for five, pal. If you ever get any sex education at school… Remember, word would spread, when you were 15, if you went to the health centre they give you out condoms. That was good, you went to the health centre and got your condoms. None of us were well sexed, but you got the condoms. Fill them up with water. They’d become water balloons. Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking man’s water fight. But you’d always have one of your friends who would take it a bit too far and introduce a Durex Extra Safe. A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight, you’ll fucking put somebody in a coma. A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe! You’ll need facial reconstruction. I’m getting to that age. I’m 23 years old. I’m 23. Not a lot of people believe that I’m 23. In the west of Scotland, this is what a young guy looks like in this day and age. I’m 23. I look like a darts prodigy, don’t I? Look at that. I’m 23, so I’m getting to that stage. Some of my friends, some of my cousins are having children. You’ll notice this: In a family gathering there’s a newborn baby getting passed around somebody’s living room like a joint. And everybody’s saying their piece. You know, some people who’ve just got this natural rapport when they speak to babies. They can just go, “Oh, look at you. Aw. Aw.” And the baby starts mumbling. “Are you telling me a wee story?” It’s getting closer and closer to me and I’m thinking, “Shit.” “I need to pretend that I give a fuck.” And it gets to me and I just kind of freeze. I’m going, “How are you doing, mate?” And the baby feels the tension, starts to cry. Everybody looks at me as if I’m in the wrong here. “Toughen up, you wee prick.” Dogs, as well. I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs. Not “dogs” in the traditional sense. I mean “dugs”, right. You know, you got a difference. In Scotland they call a dog a dug. We take that “o” and make it “u”. A dog, a dug. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication, in that you get “dogs” and you get “dugs”. D’you know what I mean by that? You get, “Oh, look at that wee dog”, “Watch that fuckin’ dug.” You know, one of them big council-house terriers with a name like Sasha. Somebody brings it on a bus and it jumps on top of you on the bus and you shite yourself. And the owner’s going, “Don’t worry, she’s only playing with you. “Don’t worry, she’s just a big softy.” And the dog’s going, “You know that’s a lie. “This isn’t over.” I like animals. Just feel uneasy amongst dogs. I was watching a documentary about animal testing, about toiletries and cosmetic products that get tested on animals. And it was showing you these horror stories about animals that get badly burned and disfigured. It was pretty distressing shit, right. But I’m quite a positive guy. I’m watching this, thinking, “What about the happy stories about cosmetic tests? “What about the tests that were successful?” “What about the toiletries and beauty products that made it to the market?” I want to turn on the TV and see the two chimpanzees in a laboratory cage somewhere saying, “You’re smelling good, chico. ” “Is that Lynx Africa?” Bomp-chica-wha-wha! I’m 23, still live at home. Don’t know if any of the young guys at the front, any of you still live at home? Yeah! Young guys at the front, a guy up in block D said yes. Twenty-three, you live at home, you don’t need to pay rent and stuff like that, but you pay mental rent, don’t you? I’ve always had a good relationship with my parents. Especially my dad. You know, when you’re seven, eight, nine years old, as a young guy, traditionally, your dad is your hero, isn’t he? Your role model. He knows everything. You want to follow in the guy’s footsteps. You want to emulate the guy. Then you get to about 12 years old, you realise your dad’s an arsehole. It’s a perfectly natural stage in adolescence, discovering that your dad’s a bit of a knob. It’s just what happens. Normally happens on Christmas Day. And involves building something. I’d be sitting there working patiently away, using the instruction manual. My dad would come in. See, my dad is of the old school where the use of an instruction manual is viewed as an admission of homosexuality. “That can get to fuck.” “Where’s the claw hammer?” And once you’ve realised your dad’s an arsehole, you can kind of use it to your advantage. I realised my dad was an arsehole in 1998. Right. In 1998 you never had Sky Plus. Or Sky HD. It was just Sky. And you had, I’d say three options. You could get it via a satellite dish, via a cable, or you knew a guy that could get you a box. You know, one of them guys that can get you a hold of anything for 40 quid? He can get you a Nissan Micra, 40 quid. He can get you a set of golf clubs, 40 quid. An iPod nano, 40 quid. Fifty quid in cash, 40 quid. Everybody’s met a dodgy bastard, right? 40 quid. The satellite dish, that was like in a working-class option. Satellite dish. You want a satellite dish. You want your neighbours to know you’ve got Sky TV. If you’re paying £25 a month, you want your neighbours knowing that you’re better than them. Now, we had Sky through a satellite dish, 1998. You could be watching Sky TV… I don’t know if anybody remembers old-school Sky. You could be watching Sky TV in the living-room television, but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs and watch Sky, but only what the person in the living room… only what they were watching. I don’t know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why that happened, but it just did. Saturday nights, me and my dad watching Match of the Day. And it gets to the kind of shite games. And I say, “Right, I think I’m going to go to bed, Dad. “Good night.” And he continues the charade, and he says, “Oh, you’re going to bed, Son? Oh, that’s fine. Good night.” And as that mutual father-and-son, we both know what the plan is here. Casually exit the living room, nice and slow. Don’t even stop off in the kitchen for a look in the fridge. Eyes on the prize, right up the stairs. Bedroom TV switched on, go to channel number 6. That’s when you see what he’s watching, number 6. TVs are synchronised, but he’s in control. A few minutes go by and he’s still watching Match of the Day. I’m thinking, “That’s fine, he must be giving it a couple of minutes. “You don’t want to make it too obvious. “Nice and smooth. He’s done this before. Nice and smooth.” Another few minutes go by, I’m thinking, “Come on, stick to the plan, Andy. “You’re better than this, come on.” Looking at the bottom right of the TV, waiting for the numbers to get typed in. The numbers that could make or break the evening’s entertainment. Waiting for the numbers. “Go on, play your numbers, give me your numbers.” Nine. That’s good. That’s good. He’s played a nine. Could not have hoped for a better start than a nine. Zero-five, the 10-minute freeview. Jackpot! “You’re a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you.” Yeah, that was back in the day, back in the old days when the late-night TV was good. Remember Channel 5 would stick a porno on. You’d have programmes like Eurotrash on Channel 4. And that’s what kept young people off the streets. That should put an end to teenage antisocial behaviour… put soft-core porn back on terrestrial TV at the weekend. Thank you, sir. Remember you’d be there watching Channel 5, The Red Shoe Diaries, or Indecent Proposals, it gets to the good bit. You’re ripping the head off it, right? You get to the point of no return and they go to adverts. Quick, change that to Eurotrash. A midget poking a zebra’s arse with a shopping trolley. Oh, it’s by no means ideal, but it’s better than nothing. Remember finding a porn mag in a hedge? That’s a dying game, innit? Finding a porno in a bush. Remember you’d be playing football, the ball’d get kicked in the bushes. Somebody would go in to retrieve the ball, they would come out with no ball. Proudly parading in a wank book. Match abandoned. Finding a porno in a hedge. It’s those kind of coming-of-age moments that shape you as a person. I don’t know if I can reminisce about much at 23 years old, but I like to reminisce about the ’90s, the good old days. Back when it was just a PlayStation 2 and stuff like that. Remember your first taste of independence, when word had spread in your school that somebody’s mom and dad were going away for the weekend? And that the guy or the girl were having a party. They never knew they were having a party. Perhaps “having” is the wrong choice of word. They were “getting” a party. And I don’t mean the kind of high-school parties that you see in American movies. “Hey, hey, do you guys know Chad Hogan?” “Yeah, of course, man. Everybody knows Chad Hogan, man.” “Chad Hogan’s mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man. “There’s a party at Chad Hogan’s mom and dad’s?” “Yeah.” “Whoo! Spring break! Yeah!” “Chad Hogan’s parties are awesome, man. Whoo!” Then it shows you Chad Hogan’s party. Chad Hogan’s booked a band for his living room. “Great party, Chad. Whoo! Yeah! “Let’s go get some dip and chip. Whoo!” Everybody’s nodding to the music with these plastic cups of beer. But nobody knows who brought them. They just go, “Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!” That’s not the kind of parties we had. We never had that kind of parties. We never had spring break, we had the Easter holidays. When I was growing up, it was called “an empty”. An empty. It derives from, ‘We’ve got an empty house.” “We’ve got an empty.” The house is empty. It’s an empty. I mean, you never had, “Spring break!” or Chad Hogan or bands at an empty. An empty was a far more tense affair. Somebody’s furious cousin would disrupt the ambience by announcing that he’d popped his 12 cans. “Drank two, gave one away, “but there’s only seven left.” “Turn that down! We’ve got a can thief. Fucking turn that down!” Somebody else in the corner just trying on people’s jackets. “Think this one suits me?” Not even asking, “Does it fit me?” “Does it suit me?” I mean, the guy’s a petty criminal, you need to look your best, don’t you? The same guy that’s leaving the house at the end of the night holding a microwave. “I think you’ll find I brought this with me.” “And I do not care for the accusation. “I mean, why would I steal a microwave?” A 35-year-old guy that nobody knew in the corner. Smoking dope and blowing into your Labrador’s face. An intelligent dog as well, and it’s sitting there frazzled. An empty. Good times in an empty. I seen a headline about a mental party. It was obviously a tragic event, but it was pretty funny. A headline that said, “Woman drugged, beaten, tied up, and left for dead “at neighbour’s party.” Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party. I have been in attendance at some pretty wild gaffs, but when a woman has been drugged, beaten, tied up… “I better get a taxi, huh?” That’s the cue to stop dishing out nibbles. Well, a lot of violent crime – that’s been in the news quite a lot. A lot of violent crime, knife crime, gun crime, stuff. I don’t know what the solution is. There’s calls for the tougher sentences. I think we need more consistent sentences. For example, the crime attempted murder, that carries a six or seven-year jail sentence, whereas murder carries a life sentence. Now, why should that be different? You still tried it. Attempted. You tried to kill somebody. You weren’t very good at it. That was by no means your forte. And I don’t think you should get a lesser sentence. In my opinion, you should get double the sentence for making an arse of it. And they get police officers to travel round schools to give talks to kids about knife crime. At the end of the talks, they give the kids a sticker that says “Dennis the Menace” or something. Something like, “Dennis the Menace says no to knives.” Now, I don’t mean to be cynical here, but if you wore a “Dennis the Menace says no to knives” sticker at school, there’s a good chance you’d get stabbed. I think a start would be to close the shops that sell violent weapons. You know you get these sports shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics, you know these places? And sport shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year but have never sold a baseball. “They’re the Easterhouse Red Sox. They’ve not had a game in a while, but we’re still… “We’re still selling them equipment. “They must have a pretty hectic pre-season schedule booked.” I was in one of these places, doing a bit of research, and the only security measure, if you wanted to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon, is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address so if anything happens, you can be easily traced for questioning. Now, that’s the theory. What self-respecting nutcase, buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony, would leave their real name and address? I picture some police investigation team going through the book. They say, “Excuse me. Shop owner. “Says here you sold a samurai sword “to Bert and Ernie “from 24, Sesame Street.” And some new-guy cop, they’ve maybe sent him on a wild-goose chase somewhere, Sesame Street not showing up on the SatNav. Sliding down the window for directions, going, “Excuse me. Excuse me, mate. “Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Can you tell me… “how to get… “How to get to Sesame… That’s a fuckin’ wind-up, innit?” I used to watch a programme called Get Your Own Back. Big show in the ’90s. I’ll explain the premise of the show to the more mature audience members. It was hosted by a guy called Dave Benson Phillips. Big Dave, as you can see, a fanny magnet, right? Dave Benson Phillips. In the show they’d get these kids on who wanted to get their own back on a family member who had done something to annoy them. And it was always like, you know, they’d tell the story about what their family member had done. Then they’d bring on the family member and everybody would boo. It was normally a guy, and they’d boo. They’d go “Boo!” “How could you do that? Boo!” Then they would gunge the guy. Cover him in gunge and go, “Boo! Serves you right.” “That’s what you get. Gunged. Boo!” And that was that. Revenge. Revenge had been hard. Revenge. It was always really, really shite stories. Like, “I’m here to get my own back on my daddy. “‘Cause we were in the car and he farted. “And it was absolutely disgusting. “And he wouldn’t put down the window.” I used to watch this every day. Just one day somehow hoping for something a bit more hard-hitting. “I’m here to get my own back on my Uncle Ronnie “’cause he’s a paedo.” And everybody’s going, “Boo!” “Gunge that paedo.” “Gunge that beast.” When’s the last time you turned on the TV and seen a paedo-gunging? Everybody had a dodgy uncle or a dodgy teacher. We’d a maths teacher, a bit dodgy, bit of a pervert maths teacher. You know, you’d forget your calculator, he’d make you do the class in your vest and pants. Your favourite subject at school? PE. PE? Same here, man. I was always the fat guy that brought in a note. “Please excuse Kevin from volleyball. He’s fucked off to the chip van.” That’s what PE stood for, for me. “Please Excuse.” My favourite subject was woodwork. And as we know… Woodwork. Everybody’s woodwork teacher was a functioning alcoholic. We’d a woodwork teacher. His name was Mr Brundle. So we’d come in in the mornings and we’d shout, “Let’s get ready to Brundle.” And everybody else in the class was ready to Brundle except this guy. He was fucked. His Brundleing days were over. He’d just be sitting at his desk, about 25 minutes into the woodwork class, just sitting there, just going… And he’d face the class and just say, “Right, kids, I’ve had a tough, tough weekend.” “I’ve had a tough time this weekend. “I was supposed to go to IKEA, “but I spent a week’s wages in Oddbins. “So one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack.” When you were 12, that was a lot of stress. Now, PE. We’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. Do you know about PE? Not a lot of young people exercising. Do you exercise? – What’s your exercise of choice? Football. Football. Do you play for a team? Just five-a-side? Seven-a-side. Just the kind of guy, just go… I play five-a-sides. I’m the kind of guy, I just go for the shower. You know, they play five-a-side on Sunday, they just stay in goal for the whole game, then as soon as the game finishes, they start whipping people in the arse with a towel. Now, we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. I don’t know if we’ve got any fat people in the room. Have we got any fat people in? I’m a little bit rotund myself. I don’t mean I’m fat. I give myself “chubby”. I’m not documentary fat. Never gonna turn on Channel 4 on a Tuesday night and see a guy like me, “Tonight, we meet the 14-stone man.” “That looks disgusting.” “Anybody watch that 14-stone man last night? Shocking. “Showed you this guy, he couldn’t even do 20 minutes on the treadmill. “It showed you the guy having his dinner. “He ate a gammon steak and oven chips, “and then he ate five Jaffa Cakes, and a Penguin.” “14 stone! “It’s on again next week. The guy’s shocking.” People always get flawed perceptions of their size. And it works in a few different ways. I’ll use women as an example here. You know you get girls who are skinny, but they think they’re a bit chubby? Girls who are chubby think they’re fat, fat girls think they’re obese, and then obese girls think they’re supermodels. They’re the happy people. They’re the ones hanging out of limousines on a Friday night going… The driver’s going, “Can you lean in, please? You’re gonna fucking… That’s right.” They’re the first ones on the karaoke. They’re the happy people. I tried exercising. I took up swimming. I tried to go swimming. I went to my local… Thank you. I went to my local pool. Don’t know if anybody here’s ever been to the local public pool. You don’t need to be a member in your local public pool. Anybody can go. And they mean that, they mean anybody can go. Anything. Anybody. Anything can go. Anybody can go. When I took up swimming, I tried to go to my local public pool. I work at night time, so I need to attend my local public pool daytime. Now, in a public swimming pool, on, for example, a Wednesday afternoon, it attracts a certain clientele. And I noticed this one day. I was in the public pool Wednesday afternoon, I had done my length. Then I stopped ’cause I was fucked. But I made it look cool. You know, when you put your elbows up on the tiles. And I was shocked. I looked around in my public pool, on this Wednesday afternoon, and I noticed in a public swimming pool on a Wednesday afternoon, there are three kinds of people. I’m going to be honest here. Three kinds, a bit of honesty here, three kinds of people in a public pool on a Wednesday afternoon. I seen toddlers, right. Toddlers. Paedophiles. And the mentally handicapped. Now, I felt self-conscious. It’s pretty obvious, I am not a toddler. There comes a point in life you need to start making decisions. You need to think fast. You need to start taking your swimming gear down inside a Farmfoods bag, to show you’re not a paedo, you’re just a bit mental. Try to cut a swimming cap out of a Farmfoods bag. ‘Cause everybody that carries a Farmfoods bag has got a screw loose. That is… I don’t mean mentally handicapped, just a bit mad, right. That is the universal sign for “Do not approach me.” The Farmfoods bag. I don’t mean people with three or four Farmfoods bags. They’ve just been shopping in Farmfoods. It’s that one single, solitary, slightly faded… “This is my Farmfoods bag. “There are many others like it, but this one is mine.” I’d seen a guy with an inside-out Farmfoods bag. That is a statement of intent, isn’t it? An inside-out Farmfoods bag. Like I said, we’ve got an obesity epidemic. Don’t know if the facilities… So we’ve got an obesity epi… You’ve got a bigger waist as well. And it means you need to shop in shitholes. You know, you walk in somewhere trendy like Topshop for a pair of jeans. Somewhere trendier than that, maybe. River Island. Walk into River Island and some… you know the sales assistants that work in these places… some indie-band freak show, they come bouncing across to serve you. “Hey, man! Yeah! Whoo!” Telling you to “chill-ax”. “Why don’t you just chill-ax, man?” Anybody ever told you to chill-ax? They’ve took the word “chill” and the word “relax” and combined them to make ironically the most infuriating word there’s ever been. Well, they come bouncing over. They’ve got that kind of energy and enthusiasm that oozes from people who have never been punched in the face. But you require this guy’s assistance. You’re in Topshop, they sell jeans. You’re in Topshop, you need jeans. So I had to say, “Excuse me, mate. Can I try on these jeans, please, “in a 36-inch waist.” And his enthusiasm… “Is that you? Good to see you again. Hey, 36-inch…” Try a 38. Try a 38? Fuck you, man. I asked the guy to try the jeans on in a 38-inch waist. Good call, all right? Shut it! 38-inch waist. Regardless, 36, 38-inch waist. You say to the guy, “Can I try these jeans on in a 40-inch waist?” Thirty-eight-inch waist. And the guy, his enthusiasm just drains. And he looks at you, appalled. You know, that way you would look at somebody if they just took a shite in your kettle. Imagine if somebody took a shite in your kettle – you’d be furious, wouldn’t you? That’s a social faux pas. “Did you shite in the kettle?” “I don’t come to your house and shite in your kettle. “You’ve changed, man.” Shiteing in kettles. So I started shopping in proper shithole clothes shops. You don’t get judged in a proper shithole clothes shop. I was in a place called Dunnes Stores. It’s the hot new up-and-coming shithole clothes shop on the scene. Somewhere between Primark and shoplifting. Now, I’ve got a theory about clothes shops. I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer. Anybody ever done that thing, you’d be in a shop and you confuse another shopper for being a member of the staff, right? You go to ask them a question, and they go, “I don’t actually… “I don’t actually work here.” And you go, “I thought you worked here.” And you both share a chuckle and move on. It’s finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it’s no laughing matter. The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer, right. Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places. I was in this dump when a guy said to me, said, “Excuse me. Excuse me. “Excuse me, buddy! “How much? “How much are these?” And I said… “I don’t actually work here, buddy.” And he said, “That’s not what I fucking asked you.” Dunnes Stores. That was my first ever, my first ever job. Part-time job. I used to work in TK Maxx. TK Maxx. Thank you. TK Maxx. I was in charge of the changing rooms. That was my job. I was the guy that would count your items, then give you a number. So, if you trying on three items, I gave you number three. And if you were trying on four items, I gave you a number four. But we only had numbers one to six. And this one time a woman was trying on seven items. And everybody was fucking freaking out. I said, “Calm ourselves”, you know. “Let’s just calm ourselves.” “Give me the six. Give me the one.” Problem solved. Unemployment. That was my first ever job. I remember being unemployed. I used to study… I used to study psychology for three weeks. That was my thing. Psychology. Three weeks studying psychology. Get a bit freaked out. Sigmund Freud, he was a sex pest. He’d a theory that young guys have sexual feelings towards their own mothers. I remember reading this and thinking the guy has obviously never seen my mother. A lovely woman, but he wouldn’t ride her into battle. I’ve been unemployed. I feel sorry for anybody unemployed… it’s a pretty tough time to go through in your life. I remember being in the job centre. I think job centres should be renamed The Shite Job Centre. You never walk by a job centre and see in the window, “Forensic detective required.” “Barrister required.” It’s always, “Customer Service Advisor’s Assistant required.” “Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?” I remember being in the job centre. Everything is: “Must have experience, must have qualifications”. I’m just a dickhead, never had much of that. Last option, just left school, you can join the army. And you’ve got the British Army recruitment desk. You’ve got the two guys there, Robson and Jerome. With the berets on. The guy’s going, “Come here, son. Be the best. Come on.” “D’you want to get shot? We’ll get you shot. Come on.” I’m thinking, “Me, join the army? “T-Mobile just said I don’t have enough qualification to sell phones. “Microsoft just said I don’t have enough experience to answer phones. “And you want to give me a machine gun?” The war on terror. That was supposed to be Obama’s thing – he was gonna end that. Obama. They get quite excited… Have we got any Americans in the room? Hell, yeah. Just one guy doing a shite accent. They don’t normally come to Glasgow, the Americans. They visit Edinburgh when they come. Have we got any Edinburghers here? Big boo for Edinburghers. I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way, but I’ve never really heard the term “Edinburghers”. You know when you hear a conversation, and I don’t mean this in a disparaging way, you hear a conversation in Scotland, there’s an Invernesian, an Aberdonian, a Dundonian, a Glaswegian, and a cunt from Edinburgh. It’s true. You never hear “Edinburghers”. It’s “cunt from Edinburgh”, that’s what they’re called. Good to see we’ve got a few cunts from Edinburgh made it through. Now, I love the Americans in Edinburgh. I love them. They’re enthusiastic. You know, up at Edinburgh Castle, the Americans thinking it’s a high school. ‘Cause they hear gunshots every lunchtime. I’ve been travelling on this tour. We were in Belfast. Belfast, for a couple of nights. I like Belfast. It’s got a kind of vibrant atmosphere. There’s a good chance things could go off at any minute in Belfast. What I mean by vibrant, I was walking through Botanic Avenue in Belfast, there’s a coffee shop called Clements. In their window it says, “Clements. We’re religious about coffee.” Which I thought was a slightly ambiguous mission statement for the city centre of Belfast. “A cappuccino, you feinian bastard.” I was at a Christian rock festival. Never meant to be there. Christian rock fest. I was just passing through the Christian celebration festival, there was a stall set up that said, “A free toastie “for all of God’s children.” A free toastie. So I thought, “Sha’mon!” I said, “Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir, may I have a toastie?” And the guy said, “Are you a Christian?” And I thought, “Well, if I’m not a Christian, am I not getting a toastie?” “That’s very un-Christian.” And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument. And he said, “Okay, you can have cheese or cheese and ham.” And I said, “Oh, just cheese, mate. “‘Cause I’m a Jew.” That’s how you get a free toastie off the Lord people. You know the big debate between religion and science? You know, atheism’s becoming quite cool in 2010. The big debate between religion and science. I would always take religion, purely on a basic level. Remember at school, you know, science was quite difficult. Right? You had to read stuff and remember stuff, right? Whereas religious was a skive. Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged women reading passages from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents that’s pissing themselves laughing at something that’s been drawn on the blackboard. I mean, that was a skive. I’d like to believe in something. I mean, you don’t just live and then die and that’s it, finish. I’d like to believe there’s something bigger than this. Know what I mean? It’s hard. You think, where’s the evidence? If there’s a God, why is there so much evil? And why is there famine, corruption and greed, stuff like that? Maybe you need to make up your own theories, right? I’ve combined a bit of religion, a bit of atheism and came to my own conclusions. Maybe God created the world, but then he fucked off. He’s God, he’s gonna have more than one property, ain’t he? Maybe we’ve got the place to ourselves. We’ve got an empty. This is the world. And like all good empties, it’s got a bit out of hand. That’s why you’ve get terrorism, corruption, greed. Maybe God will come back one day and go, “Look at the fucking state of this place.” “Everybody get out.” With your world leaders and corrupt bankers, people shuffling at the door going, “Sorry, we never thought you were coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess.” The Pope, certainly now the Pope knows he’s getting grounded. “I’ll speak to you in a minute, Pope.” No, live and let live. Believe what you want to believe, unless you’re a dick, that’s my motto. Did election fever grab you? Anybody vote in election? Anybody get interested in our big election this year? I watched the three leadership debates and I thought, “Wow! “I’m definitely going to draw a cock and balls on the ballot paper.” It was quite good when Gordon Brown got caught on the microphone. You know, they said he just got unlucky ’cause a microphone just died as… It just managed to catch him saying what he said. I think he got pretty lucky. If the microphone had stayed on we’d have heard what he really thought. “Oh, just some bigoted old woman, you know. “Whose idea was that? Was that Sue’s idea? “Absolute disaster. Just a bigoted old… “What she needed was a good fucking ride, that’s what she needs.” “Eastern European immigrants. Just a good cock, that’s what she needs.” You need Eastern European immigrants. I was in a party with Polish people. There was one Polish guy, I was speaking to him, right, the Polish guy never spoke any English, and I don’t speak much Polish. So it became apparent that a conversation would present some significant linguistical challenges. And I remembered I done some French when I was younger. French – find the common denominator with the Polish guy. So I said, eh, “Parlez-vous français?” And the Polish guy says, “Oui. ” I’m going, “Cool.” See, “parlez-vous français” is kind of all I’ve got in the tank. But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so… He’s going: “Oui. ” Next day, “Who told that Polish guy he could take a shite in the kettle?” You need a bit of immigration in the world. No, you need a few. I feel sorry for asylum seekers. Their applications get expelled, they get accused of lying. Lying about being in danger. I think if somebody’s prepared to travel thousands of miles in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks, risking their lives at the border controls, just to get a council flat in Sighthill, something’s frightening the shite out of them. You know the BNP, this year they got forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP. I thought that was pretty cool. I’d encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP. Ruin their party. I’d love to live in a country where the white supremacists are black. “I’m supposed to be racist. Who’s this guy? How is he in my team?” We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow, when we got our terrorist attack. Remember that? Glasgow airport, we got our own little terrorist attack. Pretty proud of that. Kind of put us on the map. Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow. We were fucking flattered. My dad had a tear in his eye. “It’s a proud day, son.” I saw it on the telly. “Well, I’ve been there.” “I’ve parked there!” And everybody had a laugh, but terrorism does have a negative side. It did create a kind of racial divide. I witnessed this firsthand on a train, going down south on this train. Just me sitting here and a middle-aged guy sitting just along a bit. Now, a couple of stops later, a women of Asian appearance boarded the train and sat beside the middle-aged guy, who immediately stood up and walked away. You ever seen that film Snakes on a Plane? This was jakes on a train, right? That’s funny. Walked away… The middle-aged guy stood up and just walked away and sat beside me. He started to nudge me. You know that way a scumbag presumes you’re also gonna be a scumbag? Nudging me, and he’s pointing, and he said, “I don’t fancy sitting beside her, pal. “No chance. She’ll be one of their suicide bombers. “I’m taking no chances.” I thought, “I can see your logic here, mate, “you thought she might be a suicide bomber. “So you’ve came and sat four seats away?” Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex. “Think she’s got a stink bomb?” “This is the jihad for Allah!” “Oh, it’s fucking bowfin here!” “Open that window. Smelly Taliban bastards. Oh…” That is disgusting. Somebody got a can of Febreze? There’s been a terrorist attack. That is absolutely minging. And you’re stuck with the guy the whole way. Going down south, going to London. The guy said, “You going to London?” And I said, “I’m going to London.” And he said, “I don’t like London.” Guys like me and you, mate, we are the foreigners in London. They’re coming over here, mate, and they’re speaking Punjabi. I loved the way the guy said “Punjabi”. It was pretty funny. “They’re speaking Punjabi.” “And wearing these burkas, mate. This is our country. If they want to come into our country, “they should at least be adapting to our culture.” And I’m looking at this guy, thinking, “I bet when he goes abroad, “he really blends in.” Walking about Lanzarote looking for a Greggs. “You don’t understand my accent? A Daily Record, you dick!” The summertime’s approaching. Holiday time’s coming up. Anybody going on holiday? Oh, yeah! I’ve been on a few different types of holidays. I went on holiday when I was younger, like seven years old, there was a big age gap between me and my brother. So I had to go at seven years old, with just me, my mum and dad, and I’d be bored on the first day. My mum would say, “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’ll find you a wee pal. “Don’t worry, we’ll find you a wee friend. We’ll find you somebody to play with.” You get introduced to some little stray. He would come with a disclaimer. “Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon, he doesn’t like the pool.” And I’d say, “Hi, Brandon.” He’d say, “Hi, Kev.” Brandon doesn’t like the sunshine. Brandon doesn’t play football. Brilliant! Two weeks in Majorca, sitting in the shade playing Connect Four with an albino. Now, you go on holiday, lying around the pool, relaxing during the day, and here comes this guy with a T-shirt on and a whistle, who’s the leader of the kids’ club. This prick. Leader of the kids’ club. Blowing his whistle, trying to get the kids into the shallow end for a game of water polo. You’ve got all these wee, inbred, mutant bastards screaming and splashing. “Good morning!” It’s that accent again: “Mummy, Daddy just farted!” “Mummy, can I have an ice cream?” Then there’s the Scottish kids, they’re just kind of floating. They’re still fucked from the night before. “Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?” “We’re not long in, mate. We just got in, man, honestly.” “I was doing two-for-ones in that sports café last night.” “I’ve got a throat like a junkie’s carpet, man.” “Mummy, can I have an ice cream?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Dad?” “Oh, Brian?” “Give me another one of your fags.” “Give us a fag.” Beside you is the Scottish boy’s mum and dad. I say “dad” – Brian, I don’t know, the guy that took the hit. She’s saying, “That’s embarrassing. That is absolutely cringe-worthy. “He’s only 12 and he’s asking me for a fag.” “He’s asking me and you for a fag. He’s only 12. You better speak to him.” Your mum’s worried about looking cringe-worthy… she’s sitting there with “Lidl” and “Aldi” tattooed… “You better speak to him.” The dad goes… Brian goes, “Don’t worry, hen, I’ll speak to him.” “Ho! You fucking get your own fags, you wee dick.” They’re only a quid a packet. Then you get a bit older, and you go on a holiday with your mates, as I’m sure a few of you are doing, a few young people. And then go on your first holiday with your mates, that’s when you see proper carnage. You go on holiday with your mates, you confuse having a laugh and being a major health-and-safety hazard. You see groups of guys walking about the airport. – “Anything to declare?” – “Aye, he’s a gay boy.” “You said, ‘Anything to declare?’ and I said ‘He’s a gay boy.’ “On us holidays. Gonna be mental, us holidays.” The carnage starts before you even leave your own country. And on the plane, about to leave, that’s when you see chaos. On a plane, you know, guys just swinging their T-shirts round their head on the plane. There’s always one guy, delayed, he’s getting the final call, back in the departure lounge, final, final call, final call. The whole plane is delayed, seatbelts fastened, waiting to go, waiting on this guy. He finally emerges. Front of the plane, this sombrero emerges. And rather than apologise for the inconvenience and the delay that he’s caused everybody on the plane, he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals. And shouts… “Here we go!” And the whole plane’s thinking, “No chance.” “This plane better crash.” Guy’s swinging his T-shirt round his head, singing. It’s the kind of flight that you want to see a hijacker on, on that plane. You won’t see an al-Qaeda suicide-bomb attempt on that plane, Glasgow to Palma. I don’t mean that in a self-congratulatory way. I think the hijackers would have the manpower, the willpower, determination, and the belief. The only stumbling block would be getting a word in. On that flight, Glasgow to Palma. You’ve spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps on the flight simulator, ready to die for a cause you believe in, ready to give your life for 72 virgins. For Allah, for the jihad. You’re on that plane. You try to stay focused – must be pretty intense. The place you need to go to inside your mind to commit such an atrocity. You try to concentrate whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked up the back of your head. “Gonna pass that back up, mate? Cheers.” But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on. You’re in the aisle, shouting, “Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!” Nobody bats an eyelid. People singing and banging the windows. “Allah Akbar!” People having drunken conversations, just… “Are We Humans or Are We Dancers? “That song really spoke to me. Uh. “‘Cause obviously I’m human, but I like to dance. “Is there an option for a guy like me in this?” “He’s hijacking the plane? I’ll bust him. Where is he?” I’ll put the fag out in a minute, mate. I’m dealing with a potential terror threat here.” “Fucking jobsworth.” The guy’s still shouting, “Allah Akbar!” “Sit on your arse, I’m trying to see the telly.” “You just do wee cans? Pringles, Pringles? “Pringles?” And eventually, Eventually telling the guy to sit on his arse, cuddle the guy, a beautiful moment for world peace, not just sitting there, but saying “Are you killing yourself for 72 virgins, mate? “We’re going to Magaluf, man.” I love it. Ladies and gentlemen at Glasgow, it’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thanks a lot for coming up. Goodnight, God bless. See you soon. Where are you going? That was just a wee shite bit. Then you come back on. Away to catch the bus, away to catch the garage. So I’m back. What was that? Say again? I don’t have a clue what that guy’s saying now. I genuinely don’t know what you’re saying, mate. I’d love to hear what you’re saying, it sounds pretty coherent and stuff like that. And you’re gonna translate for the guy, an even drunker guy? No, what he said was… So… I love you! I love you as well, baby. I love you. Turned into a bit of a Michael Buble concert there. So, we’re making a DVD this evening, so you’ve been part of the audience. Thanks a lot for that. A DVD that’s probably already on sale in the barrows. Give you five DVDs for forty quid. There you go. You’re a real bastard! I just heard “bastard” there. I’m not even gonna… I’m not gonna ask what preceded the word “bastard”. It sounded pretty positive, to be fair. Just ended pretty severe. Bastard. Bus stop! “Tell us the bus-stop joke.” Just there. Think I’m jukebox? Put a wee quid in… I’ve got three jokes. There’s a pound. Presto! I done that joke, the bus-stop joke, that was my first ever joke on mainstream TV. I done that joke, and about three weeks… About three weeks after the show broadcast, I was at a bus stop, right? And a guy across the street shouted, “Fat boy!” “Give me a quid, or you’re getting stabbed.” And I just started laughing. The other three or four people at the bus stop, they never knew what was going on, right? They just heard this and see me laughing, and they thought that guy must be hard as nails. I’m a bus guy. Still take public transport, I’m a bus guy. I’m a bus… I take one of their… Every area’s got a rough bus. You know, one of the kind of Glasgow safaris that you get. The number 40 bus. It runs from Clydebank to Easterhouse… via Drumchapel. As if they went, “Clydebank to Easterhouse. I’m not sure that’s mental enough. “No…” “We better stick this through Drumchapel.” On my bus, I’ve seen three generations of the one family get on for a half fair. So, how did they enjoy the SECC? First time here, first time in the SECC? Aye. Nobody ever… Nobody talks about the show. After the SECC, they always talk about the prices, don’t they? “Guess how much?” “Guess how much we paid for three drinks? Have a guess, guess how much? “For three drinks.” The key is to aim high and kill the conversation stone dead. “50 quid.” “We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if we got a bargain.” So, we’ll finish up on a joke. Has anybody ever what? Has anybody ever shat in my kettle? Since we last did the show it’s happened on several occasions. We’ll finish up… I don’t know… How am I gonna hear what you’re saying? Does that make sense to even you guys in the audience there? Just a gun noise… A-E-I, make a sentence out of that one, dick. So, we’ll finish up. Obviously the DVD is about six months away, so we need to predict the future, or it’s gonna look pretty weird. You could watch on a DVD and wonder, “How come he never mentioned the fact that North Korea blew the world up?” or something like that. So what about England winning the World Cup, eh? What about England getting fucked? We’ll wait and see what one makes the edit. Ladies and gentlemen, goodnight, have a great journey home, God bless. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kevin Bridges: A Whole Different Story (2015) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-bridges-whole-different-story-transcript/

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges! APPLAUSE Yes, thank you, Glasgow! Saturday night, Glasgow. Thank you. Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome along. The Hydro. Wow! This place! […] Well done for coming to something. Well done, good for you. Well done. It’s difficult, coming to something. I don’t underestimate for a second the challenges involved. It’s a lot of effort. I don’t think we ever take the time to show our appreciation for the heroes in there, and the unsung heroes, people amongst you who organise these nights, people who know when shit goes on sale. People who sit on Ticketmaster. “Page cannot be displayed.” “Server timed out.” The people who compose that original group text, assembling the troops. The people who dare to dream that a night out could be possible. Sitting, dealing with people’s replies trickling in, sucking out the enthusiasm. “Oh, Kevin Bridges. Aw, what night is it? Where is it? “How much is it? What time does it start? “What time does it finish? Who else is going?” “Who else is going” – what a fucking snide enquiry! That’s when the organiser’s faced with the internal politics of the social circle. Your night out needs a big name to confirm. A headline act, an A-lister pal. A crackpot – Disco, Ryzo, Gnasher – somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out. “Aw, it’s only Wee Scobey going, so far. “I know he’s a wee prick, but he’ll drive.” Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right? Looking good. What’s your name, sir? You’re not telling me? All right. That’s good. What’s his name, mate? Grass him in, since he’s not telling me. -Johnny. -Johnny. Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny? All right. It’s only a comedy show, Johnny. You’re not getting booked by the police. It’s just a wee… Camera, right on Johnny, there. That’s it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that. There we go, that’s Johnny, everybody. Tell your name to the camera, Johnny. CHEERING Good man. Welcome along, Johnny. I like a night out. I’m… I’m getting to that age. I’m growing up. I’ve got mates getting married and having children. This is new to me. My life’s changing. You don’t get a night out as often, the weekend is no longer an excuse in itself. You don’t get a night out. It’s rare. But, when they happen, then it’s a rollover and they go on far too long. I don’t think anybody can party like the newly-married man, the new father. I hear One Direction singing, “I’m going to go crazy, crazy, crazy,” until they see the sun and rappers singing, “Going to party until six in the morning.” all these parties that have got scheduled end times. That’s not what happens when your mates start getting married and having children and you get a night out. They go on far too fucking long. People don’t want to go back… ..to the life that they’re creating for themselves. Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six in the morning curfew. Yous want to call it a night? ‘Mon to fuck, man. One more hour, the Spar’s open. We’ll go and get cans. The adult empty. It’s a bleak affair, the empty, ten years on. Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room looking for a Nokia charger. “17 missed calls? I’d better fucking text her.” Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished about three hours ago, still playing. Two guys snorting cocaine, talking about a fight they had in primary school. HE SNORTS “Listen, I’m fucking glad we sorted that the night, bud.” “Me and all, mate. I was out of order that playtime. “I was out of order.” 35-year-old guys still using expressions like “playtime”. “It was me that was out of order, mate. “I’m the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you. “I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate. “I understand. You never needed to call us a VL, but. “That was out of order, on your part.” At six in the morning, Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text. “I told you I was having a mad one.” His only justification, for having a mad one – he fucking told her he was having a mad one. Then, staying on the offensive, “I thought you were going to your mum’s to watch Strictly, anyway.” HIGH-PITCHED: “It’s fucking six o’clock in the morning, Ryan.” “How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?” Then, looking at the telly, looking at the PlayStation, thinking it’s fucking Sky Sports. “Here, when did Motherwell beat Colombia?” “That’s fucking some result for the ‘Well, isn’t it?” “Colombia have their full team playing, aye?” “Wish I’d stuck money on that. Seven red cards? “Is there a bit of needle between them two?” Six in the morning. It’s tough watching guys grow up against their will, watching somebody going through an old VHS case that’s been used as a joint-rolling station for years. Raking through the paraphernalia, trying to find something smokable. “There’s a bit of green in there, press my finger on that. “There’s plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young. “A bit of green stuff, tobacco, scrape that in. “Hairs. There’s always hairs in the rolling tray. “I’ll put the pubes in. Who gives a shit?” Lying there in emotional purgatory, trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work, the only lighter in the party, doing big, long flicks. “Come on, you piece of shit!” Eventually, you get a bit of blue flame, and I’m going, “Yes!” and then the “S” blows it straight back out again. It’s hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint off the toaster. […] Are you a political man, Johnny? Oh, you don’t give a shit. I watch it. I get into it. I like the politics. I’ve started buying the big paper. I never knew the big papers were as expensive. I just thought it would just be the same price. Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin, making plans for the change. “£1.80.” “Oh, fuck. Do you take card, mate?” “Yeah, only if it’s over a fiver.” “Oh… Just… All right, a Daily Telegraph “and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate. That’s… “I’m out of here.” I watch it. The Tories, that’s what we’ve got, reducing the deficit in the economy. That’s what’s going on. Austerity Britain, making cuts. AUDIENCE BOOS I watch them. ENGLISH ACCENT: We must work together to reduce the deficit. That’s what’s going on. Reducing the deficit. I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy? Do you know Britain’s debt? No. £1.5 trillion. That’s how much the UK owes somebody. £1.5 trillion. I don’t know who the fuck we owe that to. But surely they’ve gave up on it. Surely… Surely, when it hit the trillion mark, they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back. I’ve enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude. That’s how you treat debt. AUDIENCE CHEERS They’ve had a great time. It’s got to the end. Everybody’s on their case – the IMF, the EU – and they’re just telling them to go and fuck themselves. Good on them. Well done, Greece. Angela Merkel on the phone going fucking mental. Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her. Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them. GERMAN ACCENT: “You must make the repayments now! “240 billion euros.” Going through books on Greek philosophy, trying to quote their way out of the mess. “Angela, as Socrates says…” “He is richest who is content with the least.” “That’s a beauty, man. Any more?” “Or as Epicurus said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela.” “Here, let me talk to her.” “Or as Plato says, “You’re not getting it, you fucking cow.” Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece. I’ve got mates like Greece. They’re likeable, but you don’t lend them money unless you’re prepared to deal with their shite when you try and get it back. I don’t know if you’ve seen that, Johnny. Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece 279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s. Classic tactics. “Oh, we’re weren’t going to mention it, Angela, “but since you’re chasing us up…” We’re paying it back. 1.5 trillion, that’s the plan. Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you’re spend too much money, don’t bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts. I think we just need to start making some more money. All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if the money’s irretrievable. Fucking invade the Cayman Islands. Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands going to do about it? Instead of going after disabled people, fucking single parents. That takes balls, doesn’t it? That takes balls. George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith. Going through disabled people’s doors. “This is your fault, mate. “You. We could go after tax-avoid multinationals, “we could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, […] “but it’s your fucking fault. “You.” “You’re going back to work, mate. “We don’t give a fuck how disabled you are. “Oh, you’re paralysed from the neck down? “We don’t give a fuck, mate. “There’ll be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow.” Couple of people checking for the offside flag on that joke there. Maybe an extreme example, but that’s… That’s their ideal world. Cutting benefits. People fall for it, people believe it. I hear folk moaning, I hear them, see them on Facebook. You discover through Facebook you hate your own aunties. Reading their shite. “I have worked my whole life and I’ve worked two jobs “since I’ve been 12 years old and I think it’s a disgrace “that these people are sitting on their fat arses…” “They’re spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes. It’s a darn right disgrace.” Missing the point, man. They’re spending it on alcohol and cigarettes – highly-taxable goods. The country’s getting it back. These people are reinvesting. These people are the heroes in this mess. It’s not poor people spending, it’s fucking rich people saving. That’s the problem. The money’s there. Just need to get it to people that’ll spend it. I would put the dole up, I would make the dole a grand a week. That’s how you kick-start an economy. Every bit of it would get spent. You see it on Black Friday. That’s poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week. The country would be fucking bouncing! Not one penny going offshore or into a savings account. “Let’s get fucking tattoos, man.” People arriving at the job centre in taxis, to sign on. “Just keep the meter running, my man. I’ll be five minutes.” “That’s the dole up to a grand a week, Denise. “You still wanting your tits done?” “Aye, we’ll get the hot tub, aye, why not. Grand a week.” I’ve made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people, I’ve moved on. I’ve made some cash. I’m on the property ladder. That’s what I done. Bought a house, bought a house off a neurologist. That builds an inferiority complex. I’m showing up to buy his gaff in a Superdry hoodie. Guy’s gave me the tour. Showing me his PhD “That’s nice, mate. We’ll get that down, “get that painting of the dogs playing poker up there. “That’ll be nice.” I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank. Couple of people know that. Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet. Marti Pellow, he’s the only guy who ever left Clydebank to become a heroin addict. But I’m in the West End. I’m in the nice bit of the city. I’m living… I’m living with the great and the good. It’s where I live. I’ve been there for a few years. But it’s never quite become my bit. You’ve got where you stay and you’ve got your bit. OK? That make sense? There’s where you live and there’s your bit. It’s not quite my… I don’t know if it’ll ever become my bit. I see… I see the kids whose bit it is. I hear them shouting on each other. “Sebastian?” “Sebastian, we’re over here. Sebastian?” I hear a name like Sebastian, I’m hoping to look up and see a Dalmatian, not this wee guy. Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on, his perm wafting in the wind, a cello on his back. They call me Mr Bridges, the kids on my street. I don’t feel intimidated physically. I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youths in my street. “Mr Bridges? Mr Bridges, how are we, Mr Bridges? “The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television “over the festive period, Mr Bridges. “A tad coarse in places.” “However, I would be lying if I said “I didn’t allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges.” A wee guy. I’m out of my fucking depth trying to talk to him. And having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old. I can’t have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation. “Who’s the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian?” “Well, I’m the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges. “There have been a few heated exchanges, “but we’ve not quite come to blows yet.” His wee pal’s beside him, de-seeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife. I still… See, I still wear trainers and stuff. I never knew that was frowned upon, wearing sports gear, unless you’re off to participate in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts, trainers, any excuse. I’ve got a neighbour who always looks at me. Always looking me up and down. Always going… “You off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?” I said, “Mate, why do you always ask me if I’m off to the gym?” “Just when I seen your trainers there and your sports top.” “Off to the gym, no?” “No, I’m off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate. “It’s not…” “..it’s not a fucking black-tie event, mate.” I try and blend in. I’m quite a friendly guy. I’ve got a dog, for example, right, that’s how you get to know your new neighbours. Right, you become part of your local dogging community. I got a dog, right. That’s your buddy, I got a dog. You get in the park, dog’s there, other dogs come over and start to play with your dog, you pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner. Quite a sociable experience. I’m in the park. Dog’s there, another dog came over, began to play with my dog. Began sniffing my dog’s arse. Sniffing away. Having a fucking great time. I’m patting the other dog. And I said, “And who’s this?” That’s dog walker talk for “What is your dog’s name?” That’s how you strike up a bit of chat. I said, “And who’s this?” And the guy goes, “Well, this here, this is, this is Diego.” And I thought, “Oh, naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate? “That would explain the sniffing, then, right.” I thought that was the ideal thing to say. Fucking hilarious. I’ve got a voice in my head, going, “Superb, Kev. “An exemplary piece of patter. “This’ll be your bit in no time, Kev.” I’m asking his dog for the Paw of God, thinking this guy is going to spread the word. “Oh, yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy’s funny as fuck, “even off-duty. “The man’s a scream.” But the guy said, “No, he’s not named after Diego Maradona. “We named him after Diego Rivera, “the post-impressionist 19th-century Mexican protest painter.” And this was a game changer. I had fucking nothing for the guy. Wow. I looked him right in the eye. I cannot believe you’ve just done that to me, mate. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never felt so homesick. A voice in my head going, “This is not your bit, Kev, go home. “You don’t belong here. You’re a fucking fraud. “The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit, “this is the upper echelons of society. “You think you’re going to get away with that up here? “Even his dog is looking at your dog, as if, “My dad just fucking clamped your dad.” And he just carried on with his day. And I’m left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole. Under pressure. Another fucking thing that I do not know has just been exposed. I’m on Wikipedia reading about this guy. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works “in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what that means. Let’s go back to the start, Kevin. Let’s concentrate. Learning is fun. Come on, this is the kind of shit you need to know to hold conversations up in this park. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican…” You know what a Mexican is – tequila, sombreros. […] “Mexican painter.” You know what painter is – Uncle Kenny’s a painter. Remember Uncle Kenny? Used to always sneak you and your cousins a can at Christmas – remember? “Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?” “Drink your fucking can, son.” Remember Uncle Kenny? “Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what fresco means. But fresco is highlighted in blue, meaning it’s got its own Wikipedia page. Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that link. I’ve not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera’s Wikipedia page and I’m on another Wikipedia page, reading about fresco. “Fresco is a technique of mural painting, “executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster.” I don’t know what lime plaster is. But that is also highlighted in blue. Click on that link, Kevin. “Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?” Lime plaster? “Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime water “and sand. Lime plaster is different from…” Why are you reading this, Kevin? You’re supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera. Remember why we came here. Now, you’ve went to fresco, now you’re on to lime plaster. You’ve got fucking ADD. I’m Googling, “Have I got attention deficit disorder?”. I’m taking the University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have attention deficit disorder. I’m about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because of this fucking phone, this tadger, and his wee shitey dog. Even my dog is looking at me as if, get over it, Kev, hurry up and throw that tennis ball. Give me a minute, Annie. I’m no well. I’m mentally ill. Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog. Taking the test. The University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have attention deficit disorder. “Do you sometimes struggle with the finer parts of a project “once the challenging parts have been finalised? All of the time, most of the time, some…” “Ten celebrities you didn’t know were gay.” Don’t go near it, Kevin. Don’t click on it. Don’t fucking click on it. Don’t go near it. “14 reasons you are always tired.” I am always tired. I think I have that chronic fatigue syndrome. Finish the ADD test. How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I’ve got ADD? I went back, I read about Rivera, I got tooled up on this guy, educated myself. “Diego Rivera was born in 1886, “Rivera began painting at the age of three years old, “a year after the death of his twin brother. “Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls. “His parents, rather than chastise him, installed chalkboards and canvas on his bedroom walls, to encourage his gift. “At the age of just ten years old, “Rivera was accepted to the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art “in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907, before moving to Europe, “where he became friends with Pablo Picasso…” I’ve got fucking shitloads… APPLAUSE Off to the gym? I’ve lost a bit of weight. I don’t know if anybody noticed that there. Looking sharp. Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight. I had a guy shout, “Fuck’s sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?”. Which is… just the local way of saying, “Looking sharp, Kev! “Have you been working out?” I’ve got a jaw. Look at that. Jaw. I’ve never had a jaw in my life. I’ve always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school. This has been a long time coming. I was 18st when I was 18. I was fat at school. That was tough. Sitting on a plastic chair at school at the end of every class, knowing there’s going to be a sea of sweat that’s been separating the two hemispheres of your arse. Sitting beside the lassie that you fancy, having to do that slide, trying to wipe it as you’re getting up. That was tough. Being fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It’s hard. Going to the swimming on a school trip. “No, I’ll just keep my T-shirt on, the water’s dead cold. “I’m all right. I’ll just swim with my T-shirt on.” I went to a guy. 18. That’s when I first addressed the problem. 18st. I went to the gym. The real gym. You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real big tanks. This new breed of man that you get. You know the big mammals? The big protein bastards. With the big beard, covered in tattoos. I’m going, “Mate, did I create you in a PlayStation game?” These big guys work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they’re training for the apocalypse. These big… Convinced their best mate’s shagging their missus and they’re training for the day they can finally prove it. I went in… And that’s what puts fat people off the gym. These guys. They take it too far, these big… “Only God can judge me.” I’m standing here judging you, you big bell-end. I went to the guy. I said, “Look, mate, “I’m trying to lose a bit of weight.” The guy goes, “It’s all about nutrition. All about nutrition, “You can do whatever you want in here, but it’s all about nutrition. “You can’t out-train a bad diet.” And he asked me… He asked me what I had for breakfast. He goes, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” Instantly, I’m thinking, “I’d better say something that I never had for “breakfast this morning.” Make a good impression with this big mammal. I said, “Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit.” The guy’s going, “Fruit in the morning, “that’s got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar. “You need to lose that.” I’m thinking, “Fruit, mate? “Fruit? That’s bad now, fucking fruit? “Fruit?! I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you’re aware, “I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended. “I had a fucking Terry’s Chocolate Orange, mate.” You’ve no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast – cold pashwari naan with Nutella on it. I’ve been there, mate and you’re on my case about fucking fruit?! I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast. Half past eight every morning for six years. Then, a roll and sausage at half past ten. A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o’clock. A can of Coke. Then, fucking Astro Belts on the way home. Fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny’s Onion Rings. Everything. Then, I would… AUDIENCE CHEERS Then, I’d go home, for crispy pancakes, oven chips, potato waffles, croquettes. Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat. Yellow. “And you’re on my case about fruit?” I never said that, because the guy would punch fuck out of me. but I was thinking it. I said, “All right, I’ll cut out the fruit. The guy gave me a diary to fill in, a food diary. That’s a step too far, Johnny. Submitting hand written lies to somebody. He’s telling me all these foods to cut out. Carbohydrates. “You should be eating this shit. Eat this stuff, eat this sort of stuff. I’m filling in my food diary, on the internet, reading about super foods. Trying to impress the big man. “Monday morning, I had… Avo-cado. Avo-cado. “Here, what the fuck’s avocado, in case this guy asks me? “You have it on toast? Oh, he’ll go off his heid if I say toast. “Will I just say I had avocado? How many? How many? “Five? Five avocado. “Fuck it, I’ll put ten. Ten avocado.” Show the guy I’m serious about it. Ten avocado. Monday morning, breakfast. Then, I had almonds and blueberries, and then I had beetroot. Beetroot? That’s a superfood, is it? A big jar of beetroot, mate. Got a spoon, rattled the lot. Mmm. Then, I had… Quin-oa. Qui-no-a. Am I saying that right? Qui-no-a? What the fuck is qui-no-a? Click on images. It’s a powder? Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa. And then, I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk of Alzheimer’s, mate. And the guy’s going… “This is great, Kev. Is this the truth?” And I’m saying, “No, mate, the truth would break your heart. “I’ll tell you the truth. “I lasted two meals without carbohydrates “and I thought I was going insane. “I’ve never felt so angry. “I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor, “staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place. “Fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was “until you told me to cut them out, and then you grassed them all up. “I’m lying there, ‘Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now. “Mmm, how good would that be? “Or a baked potato, with rice in the middle. “Then, I could put that on a sandwich, eh? “When’s the last time I had a piece and baked tattie and rice? Eh? Mmm. “With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes! “Then, I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen. “In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry’s that had been there “for months. Now, because it had been there for so long, “the little wooden spoon you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry’s bent “and snapped on impact with the ice cream. “So, I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry’s in the microwave. “Now, I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done “and the ice cream melted, “so rather than just have a few wooden spoonfuls, “as I had initially intended, I drank the fucking lot, mate.” I never knew how to fit that into Monday evening’s column. It’s too extreme. If you’re fat, you’re at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight. You need to bear that in mind. I was 18st at 18, now I’m 28 and I’m 14st. That’s 4st I’ve lost. AUDIENCE CHEERS Thank you for those of you applauding that. Applauding a man who’s lost 4st in just ten years. That’s… ..admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market. I’m not going to get on the front cover of Reveal with that story. “How I shifted 4st in just ten years.” A before and after photograph and it’s me with a fucking school uniform on, in the “before”. It’s simple. Simple changes. That’s what you need to make. That’s what the 4st in ten years programme encourages. Small steps. Don’t have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes. We don’t need go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes. You don’t need to lose junk food, just Google it first. “What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?” Go on Yahoo Answers, ignore the top answer. Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas. AMERICAN ACCENT: “Well, all Chinese food is usually fried. It’s always very large portions and it usually contains a chemical called monosodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening.” Fuck her. Just keep scrolling down. Keep scrolling, until you find what you want to find. What about this, guys? Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel the batter off at least three of the chicken balls. If you’re putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don’t have a lid. Just have the one prawn cracker. See, simple changes, that will help you shift 4st in just ten years. […] I’ll be fat again. Don’t worry, I’ll be fat. I’ll be back. I’m looking sharp, but I’ll be back. I’m one all-inclusive holiday away from fucking meltdown, don’t worry. […] I went on that – a cultural break. Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff, you get dragged around tourist attractions. A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit, standing looking at stuff knowing you should be enjoying it. The Statue of Liberty. Wow, that’s exactly how I thought it would look. Having to take your photograph. You don’t realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere good and your phone runs out of memory. Standing on top of the Empire State building, deleting fry-ups. I’ve got an app called WhatsApp, right. All the kids have got it. People send you… People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your phone. And it’s horrific shit people send. And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a Hoover on my phone until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs. I’m flicking through them, giving my wee commentary. “That was us on the first night, “that was the view from the hotel, Mum. “That was the wee Italian restaurant. “That was where Harry Met Sally. “The pastrami sandwich wasn’t very nice. “That’s a guy… Aye, cracking holiday. Definitely recommend it. Of course you watch it. If a guy has taken the time to fuck a Hoover, I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a Hoover. Lying watching it. You ever seen your own reflection in your phone and you see how tragic you look at these moments. Lying on your couch, big double chin, dead behind the eyes. Your life is ending. “Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he’s fucking?” And you need to reply to your mate that sent it, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.” H-A, H-A, H-A.” Into the emoticons, there’s that wee guy that fucking cries with laughter. 15 of them, mate. Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate. There we go. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…” That was it. New York, getting dragged into museums, trying so hard to enjoy it. Just that the voice in there going, “Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite.” Trying so hard. It’s not shite, Kevin, show some respect. It’s shite. It’s an art gallery, it’s full of shite. Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Listening to the tour guide, “And this is 300 years old, this was donated to the museum…” I thought… Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. “And you’re fortunate that the Tutankhamen exhibit is here “for six weeks only.” Trust me to land that six weeks. How shite will that be? Tutankhamen, the king of Egypt at 21. I bet he was a wee wank. Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Come on, Kevin. You’re better than this. Let’s see your show of strength. “Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?” You don’t know who he is? You’ve found a victim, Kev. All that hard work. Give him it both barrels. “Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate? “No? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda? “Arguably one of Rivera’s most controversial works, my man. “Why was it controversial? “Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramirez “holding a placard that said, “God does not exist”. “The work caused uproar, mate. “But Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later, “stating that he doesn’t have to hide behind Don Ignacio Ramirez “to show his own atheist views and that he believes “all religions are a form of collective neurosis.” You don’t know this shit? Listen to this guy! Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop, buy a rubber and fuck off. I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life. Travel, stay in a lot of hotels. They’ve always got bad news for you. Noticing that in hotels. “Unfortunately, Sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area.” “Is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?” That’s what to say to them. Call them out on it. “I might use your Wi-Fi in your lobby, then, mate. “And the websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies. “Your manager can deal with the inevitable “negative reviews on TripAdvisor.” Some stunned couple. “Don’t get me wrong, the rooms were spacious, the location was great, “the staff were a delight, could not fault the food or the facilities. “But on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke “ripping the head off it in the lobby.” “It was a bloody disgusting. “Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles, “his feet on the coffee table.” “He was using both his hands, at one point. “He was shouting encouragement to himself.” “He then demanded housekeeping bring him a Hoover. “It was rather bizarre.” “Two stars, we won’t be back. “Two stars.” The Wi-Fi is killing this world, isn’t it? The internet. I’m trying to cut loose. I’m trying to stay offline. I like technology, I appreciate what the geeks have done in this world, I just don’t like the person that I’ve become. As soon as it fails, as soon as it stops working, it sends me into a big angry primate. I’ve had too many of these rages. I’m quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching for wireless networks a few weeks ago, right. I know that sounds a bit trivial, but that’s enough to send me… “Piece of shit.” Fucking shouting at it. Because I’m so out of my depth trying to figure out… Your laptop breaks, you’ve got two options, Johnny. You can hand it in to where you bought it or you can phone up the technical support line. What option would you choose, Johnny? In your own time, Johnny. Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in. That’s part of my problem. I know I need to hand this computer into the Apple Store, to speak to Marc with a C, with his wee genius T-shirt on. Talking about his band. “Yeah, we’re called Skull Fracture. “We’re playing the unsigned tent at T In The Park.” With his big stupid earlobes hanging down. “Going to put your earrings back in, Marc, “and stop putting people off calamari for life.” I decided to phone up – laptop is no longer searching for wireless networks. People were calling it a First World problem. That just makes you angrier. I fucking know it’s a First World problem, that’s why I’m on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fucking fixed. I phoned up. I’m on the phone, Indonesia, talking to my man, my man Gavin. He starts asking me questions… I’m telling Gav the issue. Gav’s asking me for my DHCP client ID. I said, “I don’t know what that means, Gav.” Gav told me to click on system preferences, then go to network settings and, then, advanced network settings and he said in there, you should see a IPVN 4 number and, from that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID. I’m following him, I’m fucking getting excited here. Gav’s onto something. I said, “Yes, Gav, I can see a DHCP client ID.” And he’s asking if it is configurated or deconfigurated. I said, “Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated.” Gav tells me to click on… I’m already there, Gav. Clicked on configurate, done deal. And he goes, try again. I’m so fucking excited, Gav, to try again. I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network. I thanked Gav for his time and I’m left wondering, my mind was blown – who the fuck undone that? I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before. So what the fuck happened between connecting to wireless networks and not connecting to wireless networks? Did I have an MIT frat party in the living room one night? Did I have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans? It’s got a bit out of hand, I’ve fallen asleep at six in the morning and rather than just shave off my eyebrows or draw a cock and balls on my face, some prankster has logged into my laptop and fucking deconfigurated my DHCP client ID. And you’re raising kids in this world. I’m only 28, I still remember the world being a bit simpler. It’s tragic when you hear the children going, “Dad. Dad, the iPad isn’t performing the software update. Dad!” And if I ever become a father, I don’t know if I could handle that. I think I’ll be saying, “Shut the fuck up, ya wee tool.” Performing a software update. “You’re a wee guy. Go up to the loft, find a golf club, “get outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside.” “Outside. Get out there.” “Away and chop some jaggies. “You’re a wee guy. You got your whole life “to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored. “Decapitate a few dandelions. “Get in the bushes.” “I’ve just been stung by a nettle!” “Well, get a fucking dock leaf then.” “Learn some survival tactics. “Away out a big walk. “Just kick a plastic bottle down the street. “Be at one with your thoughts. “Get a big stick, get a bit of dog shite on the end…” “..control your bit, armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick.” It’s a rite of passage to any child. Sitting up in your bedroom getting cyber bullied. Go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick. They need to be bored. Their minds are too occupied. I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy. I tried to start a boyband. I had mental ideas. In my jotter, Element Four, that’s what I called us. I had three mates who I gave aliases to. Earth, Fire, Rain, Wind. I told them about my plans. They laughed at me, called me “gayboy”. I thought fuck yous. I went solo. Big Wind. Going down to the kitchen, grabbing the radio, up to the bedroom, blank cassette in, pressing play and record at the same time. With my lyrics that I’d wrote, Big Wind, in the studio. # Baby, I’ve been thinking about you # I think you’re thinking about me, too… # Making sure my dad’s not there, in case I get leathered. # When you say goodbye It made me cry, baby… # Doing the voice that long your eyes start to water, it really adds a bit to it. # Baby… # I was fucking bored. I enjoyed childhood. Going out a big walk. Just showing up at your mate’s door. Going in for your mates, going in for somebody. Just battering their letterbox unannounced. “All right, Mrs Cassidy, is Stu in? “I’m here to eat every crisp in this house.” “His name is Stuart, Kevin.” “Where is he? Stewbster!” That’s when you discovered the love you had for your own family. I see the wee dweebs like that. “I actual hate my mum and dad.” Fucking get out of the house, then. A sleepover, that’s when you discovered how much you loved your own mum and dad. When you went and spent an evening in another family. That was an eye opener. And we need that. The kids are too busy online, they’re not socialising to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house. Discover you’ve got it good. That Saturday morning, returning home to your own house, after a sleepover, you just want to cuddle your mum and dad, as if you just served in Afghanistan. “Mum. Come here. “Dad, bring it in, big guy. “I know I don’t tell you a lot, but I love you. “The Cassidys are fucking weirdos.” Cos it would start off all right. You’d go in for Stu and end up in the bedroom playing the computer, he’s making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him for Christmas. You’re letting that slide, even though it’s frustrating. Through on goal trying to shoot, “Stu, where’s the square button? Stu, Stu, Stu?” “It’s not square, it’s number nine on that pad.” “Fucking piece of shit. Fuck you, Stu. Fuck you.” Then, his mum comes into the bedroom. “Kevin, we’re going to phone a Chinese, “would you like to stay for some Chinese?” Fucking jackpot. “Of course. “Of course I’ll stay for some Chinese.” You start to relax. I like this family. I reckon I could be a Cassidy. Everything is going to plan. Friday night, home delivery. Then, you get shouted down the stairs, made to set the table. We’re setting the table for a home delivery? Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys. It’s not fucking Christmas Day, but maybe this is their thing. Maybe they set the table for a home delivery. Then the food arrives. You don’t recognise one fucking thing that they’ve ordered. Not once was I consulted during the ordering process. I know I’m ten, I know I’m a guest, but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process. But again letting it slide. The dad is showing you the food. “OK, Kevin, this is the king scallops, Szechuan-style. “This is the kung pao lamb. “This is the sweet and chilli bean curd.” “This isn’t Chinese food, Mr Cassidy. “Where’s all the yellow shit? “Where’s all the chicken balls, chips, curry sauce?” You’d get laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy. Then, he starts saying grace, the dad. Thanking the Lord for a home delivery. Just fucking tip the delivery driver. Job done. You’re trying to plate yourself up some food. You’re going, “Mr Cassidy, where’s the rice?” “Just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin. “It shouldn’t be long.” “Oh, they never sent the rice? “I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy.” “Oh, no, no, no. Sheila’s just boiling the rice.” “Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?” “No, Kevin, they never sent anything. “We don’t order rice from the Chinese. “Why would we pay £2 for rice when there’s a whole jar of rice “on the worktop? That would just be stupid, wouldn’t it?” Alarm bells are ringing. We’re having fucking house rice?! With a home delivery on a Friday night – we’re having it with house rice?! The evening’s took a sinister turn. Glaring across the table at wee Stu. “I’m going to fucking expose you. “This is going to finish you, Stu. In school on Monday. “This’ll be your nickname for eternity. “Wee House Rice. Even if you’re driving a Ferrari… “Oh, he’s driving a Ferrari, is he?” “Who? House Rice?” Finish the food, seeing the family. I don’t know if I could be a Cassidy. Then, you get made to wash the dishes. “Kevin, why don’t you make a little game of it? “Stewart can wash them, you can dry them.” Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy(!) Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night. Maybe we can change ends at half… Or is that a bit too out there? Then, the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room. “Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin. “It’s just our little Friday night thing. “Are you coming in? We’re going to watch The Hand “That Rocks The Cradle? Have you seen it, Kevin?” “No, Mrs Cassidy, but I’ve heard it’s fantastic. “I’ve heard it’s hilarious.” Having to sit watching this. How do I get out of here? I need to get home. I need home. Home. I’m homesick. I’m only four streets away and I’m homesick. “Kevin, why don’t you just phone your dad and see if “you can stay overnight? “That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover.” How the fuck do I get…? Imagine that, Kev? The overnight package, with these freaks. “Kevin, phone your dad.” This is before mobile phones. You had to use the living room phone. The whole family are sitting there. “Phone your dad, Kevin. Phone your dad.” The Hand That Rocks The Cradle’s been paused. They’re all listening in to your phone call. “Ask if you can stay overnight.” On the phone to your da, solely dependent on your tone, to give across to your da that you’re being held against your will. This is going to take an acting performance, Kevin. We need out of here. This isn’t a family, this is a cult. “Phone your dad, Kevin.” “All right, I’ll phone my dad.” Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat going, hoping my dad hears I’m crying. Comes and rescued me. “Where are you, Kevin? “I’m going to come and I’ll fucking do them. “Where are you? Where are you?” “Oh, it’s ringing, it’s ringing.” HE CHOKES “Hi, Dad?” “Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight “at Stewart Cassidy’s house?” “Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night.” Your dad’s not fucking getting it, at all. “Dad, are you sure I’ve got no plans in the morning? “I thought I had some plans. “Did you not say something about I had something on?” “Nothing on in the morning, Kevin. “It’s a Saturday morning and you’re fucking ten years old, pal. No plans.” That was it. You’d signed up. You were one of them for the evening. “Kevin, unpause the movie.” “I think it’s you that’s got the doofer, Mr Cassidy.” “It’s me who’s got the what? The doofer? The doofer? “Is that what you call the remote control?” “The doofer?” He’s laughing, the maw’s laughing. The whole family, wee House Rice is laughing. They’re all laughing at you. They’re ripping the piss out of you, Kev. “The doofer! The doofer!” Hook the da, Kev. Hook the da. Take the whole family out. One jab to the da. No family recovers from a jab to the da. “The doofer!” Fucking knock him out, Kev. Then, you’re nudging wee Stu. “Mon, we’ll go up to the bedroom. “Mon, we’ll go up, House Rice. Mon, we’ll go to bed.” The da catches you. “Are you trying to get Stewart to go to bed “with you, Kevin? Is there something you’re not telling us?” You’re on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard. Eventually, up to the bedroom. Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway. You’re left alone on his floorboards, inside a Scooby-Doo sleeping bag. You’ve not even got a pillow, you’ve got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck, having to turn it. Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell. The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell, that’s the way he smells when I sit beside him in school. I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out. I wonder what came first? Listen to these noises. How fucking loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice? Ticking away every second of this torture. I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here. Do you think five in the morning’s a bit early? That’s the target, Kev. Five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave… “Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?” Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shithole? “What would you like your breakfast, Kevin?” “Maybe some eggy bread?” “Eggy bread? Is that what you call French toast?!” All that shite starts again. All the fucking House Riceses laughing at you. “Are you not going to stay, Kevin? We’re going to have Alpen. “Do you like Alpen?” “Mm, yes, Mrs Cassidy, “I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen. “That’s what gets me through the week. Mmm.” Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot. Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening. It’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow. Take care. Love one another. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Good night. Cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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RICKY GERVAIS: 2020 GOLDEN GLOBES OPENING MONOLOGUE [TRANSCRIPT]

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Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais, thank you. You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking. I never did. I’m joking, I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either — fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets — hello? Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English and they’ve no idea what Twitter is, so I got offered this gig by fax. Let’s go out with a bang, let’s have a laugh at your expense. Shall we? Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that. But you all look lovely all dolled up. You came here in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. No, shush. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. OK? That must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs. Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone — Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro … Baby Yoda. Oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man. Don’t have me whacked. But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background. They all have one thing in common: They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for ya. Talking of all you perverts, it was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly, Leaving Neverland, Two Popes. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. Hollywood Foreign Press are all very racist. Fifth time. So. We were going to do an In Memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who died, it wasn’t diverse enough. No, it was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch. Maybe next year. Let’s see what happens. No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to cinema, no one really watches network TV. Everyone is watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out, going, “Well done Netflix. You win everything. Good night.” But no, we got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself ’cause his wife dies of cancer and it’s still more fun than this. Spoiler alert, season two is on the way so in the end he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend but I don’t care. You like to make your own way on your own playing, didn’t you? Right, but seriously, most films are awful. Lazy. Remakes, sequels. I’ve heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl just going, “Well, it’s gotta be this one then.” All the best actors have jumped to Netflix, HBO. And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy-adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really. Have we got an award for most ripped junky? No point, we’d know who’d win that. Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him about theme parks. I agree. Although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny. Right… The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. It was great. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew was like, “Come on, Leo, mate.You know… you’re nearly 50 son.” The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats. But no one saw that. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said, “This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs.” But Dame Judi Dench defended the film saying it was the role she was born to play because she — I can’t do this next day — because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her ass. (Coughs.) Furball. Furball. She’s old-school. It’s the last time, who cares? Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. So… Well, you say you’re woke but the companies you work for– I mean– unbelievable. Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you? So if you do win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent, and your God and fuck off, OK? It’s already three hours long. Right, let’s do the first award.

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Dave Chappelle Acceptance Speech | 2019 Mark Twain Prize – Transcript

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An outstanding lineup of entertainers gathered in the Kennedy Center Concert Hall to salute Dave Chappelle, recipient of the 22nd annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor on October 27, 2019. Thank you, thank you! I like not knowing what’s gonna happen. I like making memories. sometimes I do all this crazy shit around my colleagues just so that they can tell their friends I did it. Rather than talk about myself, just briefly I want to just talk about my genre, stand-up comedy is an incredibly American genre. I don’t think any other country could produce this many comedians, and unbeknownst to many people in this audience, I don’t think there’s opinion that exists in this country that is not represented in a comedy club by somebody. Each and every one of you has a champion in the room. We watch you guys fight but when we’re together we talk it out! I know comics that are very racist, and I watch them on stage and everyone’s laughing and I’m like, mmm that motherfucker means that shit. Don’t get mad at them, don’t hate them. We go upstairs and have a beer, sometimes I even appreciate the artistry that they paint their racist opinions with. Man, it’s not that serious. The First Amendment is first for a reason, the Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn’t work out. We gotta let some air out of the ball, man, the country is getting a little tight it doesn’t feel like it’s ever felt in my lifetime, so tonight I am honored that my colleagues are here in comedy and in music. And I want everyone in America right now to look at me, look at me smoking indoors. I didn’t ask anybody I just did it what they’re gonna do, kick me out before I get the prize no, this is called leverage. The thing I like best about tonight was that I saw so many people from different parts of my life, like friends that I grew up with here in DC, friends of mine from Ohio then and now, friends of mine from comedy clubs, all the fucking musicians that blew my mind you guys have no idea how you inspired me. I want to give a special shout-out to my OG Tony Woods. Miles Davis has a quote it’s one of my favorite– Miles Davis said so much cool shit but one of the things he said I always loved, he said it took me years to learn how to play like myself, you know he would watch other musicians then he would try to play like Dizzy or Bird, all the guys who were great. Tony Woods was my Dizzy and Bird, if I was Miles, I was trying to play like you, you were the first person I ever saw do it absolutely right, who feel us, and he told the truth. There’s something so true about this genre when done correctly that I will fight anybody that gets in a true practitioner of this art form’s way, because I know you’re wrong. This is the truth and you are obstructing it. I’m not talking about the content, I’m talking about the art form. Do you understand? Do we have an agreement? [Applause] And what I really wanted to say tonight and I’m glad I get the platform to do it– I’m gay! I am gay and I can’t wait to see what this does for my career being gay like this. So many special shout outs, one of the main architects of the come back of the century, my brother and my mentor the mighty Stan Lathan. I’d never dreamed that I would be able to work with someone as great as you. These last five specials– straight fire. I wouldn’t want to do another special with anybody else but you. So eat your motherfucker vegetables and live as long as you can cuz we’re doing a few more of these Neal Brennan your speech made me cry because it reminded me of all those hard days of work and all that money I never got for it. The other real special shout-out I got to make because none of this would have been possible in any level without this person is my mother. Mom, my mother. Mom, mom, mom, mom. You have no idea when I put this woman through If you had just given birth to me, that would have been more than enough, but the fact that she raised me and raised me well. We had a real oral tradition in our house. I knew the word “griot” when I was a little boy. A griot was a person in Africa who was charged with keeping the stories of the village. Everyone would tell a griot of the stories and they would remember them all so that they could tell future generations. When they got old, they’d tell them to someone else and they say in Africa, when a griot dies it’s like a library was burned down, and my mother used to tell me before I ever thought about doing comedy, she said, “You should be a griot,” and she filled me with every story of black life, you know she’s educated in African American Studies and she would let me understand the context that I was being raised in. I’m being raised in a hostile environment that I have to tame. By the time I was 14 years old, I was in nightclubs mastering an adult world. I was terrified. The crack epidemic was going on and my mother would hear gunshots outside and be scared to death, “Maybe it’s my son,” but early in my career, if you remember, mom, you used to sit in the club with me. She’d do a full day of work, you’d be back there, falling asleep just waiting for me to go on she would watch my show every night. Do you know how long that car ride is home? How many of you have ever heard your mother say, “***** jokes were a little too much tonight son,”? I was a soft kid, I was sensitive I cry easy and I would be scared to fistfight and my mother used to tell me this thing, I don’t even know if you remember but you said this to me more than once you said, “Son, sometimes you have to be a lion so you can be the lamb you really are.” I talked this shit like a lion. I’m not afraid of any of you when it comes word to word, I will gab with the best of them just so I can chill and be me. And that’s why I love my art form, because I understand every practitioner of it whether I agree with them or not, I know where they’re coming from they want to be heard, they got something to say, there’s something they noticed, they just want to be understood. I love this genre. It saved my life, so tonight, mom, I would like to honor you in a very special way that I cannot do on my own but because now I am a man with great and influential friends, I’d like to ask my man Thundercat to come out on stage, Thundercat, the mighty Mos Def. Washington, DC thank you very much for giving me a home and a place to start. Today is officially Dave Chappelle Day in Washington, DC, the mayor declared it last night. So, in the future, on Dave Chappelle Day, I ask everyone who wishes to celebrate it to make one incredible memory for themselves, and/or somebody else. Thank you very much, goodnight.

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Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-quality-time-transcript/

(audience cheering, applauding) Thank you! Thank you! Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you for coming out. (audience cheering) It’s good to be here. This is what I look like. It’s mostly my fault. Well, it’s all my fault. I wish I had an excuse, you know? Like I had to gain all this weight for a movie. There’s no movie. If you saw me eat, you would think there were multiple movies. Are they doing a live action “Shrek?” This guy’s gonna be perfect! I’m wearing my shirt untucked. The untucked shirt. The fat man’s last hurrah. Next stop muumuu. You might see a guy with his shirt untucked and think, “Oh, was he in a hurry? Is he going casual?” But you should know that someone very close to that man saw him with his shirt tucked in, and said, “Don’t do that. “That’s visually unpleasing. You look better not fully dressed.” The untucked shirt, it’s like the male wonder bra. There’s a surprise underneath and… you’re not gonna like it. (audience applauding) This is not an UNTUCKit. UNTUCKit, which is a brand of shirt. I do love those UNTUCKit commercials. They present it like some revolutionary technology. It’s a shirt that can be worn untucked. Wow! Like a magic shirt? That’s right. Can other shirts do that? No, this is a special shirt. It goes with our unzipped pants. And our unbuckled belt, and combined with your uncombed hair you can look unemployed. And be unwelcome in restaurants. That’s unbelievable. This shirt is actually a 2XL. That’s right, I did it. Mission accomplished. (audience cheering, applauding) There should be a moving up ceremony for when you hit 2XL. It is with great pride and slight disgust, that we present this garment roughly the size of a circus tent, to this slob who actually struggles to put on his own socks. He may now burp for no reason at all. I am new to the 2XL community. They’ve been very welcoming. I did some research. You know what the size after 2XL is? Kill yourself. No, it’s 3X! Triple X! That’s pornographic. It’s so fat it’s obscene. Triple X does sound like some fat on fat action. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I’m headin’ there, hopefully by the end of the show. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair. I am now at the size, when I go in clothing stores sales people look at me like, “We got nothing for you. And you can’t use our bathroom.” When I go out to eat, if I order a salad, the waiter’s always like, “Aw. Look at you try.” I’m always afraid he’s gonna gather the whole staff, “The fat pig is trying, the fat pig is trying, I…” (audience laughs) I’ve always talked about my weight in my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they’d be like, “Jim, you’re not that fat, you’re not that fat.” But now after shows people are like, “Good show.” (audience laughs) “You nailed it.” I don’t care. I like to eat! I like to eat. You know, when you like to eat, what’s weird is people assume you enjoy cooking. (audience laughs) Well, you must know your way around the kitchen. I know where the food is. Well, you must love to cook. Look, I like to sleep. It doesn’t mean I wanna build a bed. (audience laughs) The truth is, I don’t like to do anything. Like when I order delivery, I’m kind of annoyed they don’t know what I want already. What, do I have to do everything? I did lose some weight last summer, thank you. – Thank you. – (audience applauding) I did. I did. Well, I had my appendix removed. But it still counts. I didn’t know what the appendix was, and since I’m an idiot I just pretended like I did. The doctor was like, “We have to remove your appendix,” and I was, like, “Both of them?” Luckily he thought I was kidding. He was, like… (imitates laughing) Ah! I’m so grateful he didn’t call me out. I don’t know what I would’ve said, you know? Like, “There’s only one appendix.” “Oh, ha ha, appendix. I– I thought you said lungs. To me they sound similar ’cause I’m dumb.” I didn’t know what the appendix was, but I don’t feel that bad. The doctor told me science isn’t even sure what the appendix does exactly. Science isn’t even sure why the appendix exists. And I heard that and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian. It is. (audience cheering, applauding) Think about it. It’s a mystery to everyone. But for some of us, causes excruciating pain. It needs to be removed with a knife. Obviously, I’m not promoting violence, against any of the Kardashians. Just the mother. There’s always one person that gets too into that joke. “Yes, kill the mother. Kill her and smear her blood on my face.” (audience laughs) I think it’s strange science doesn’t know what the appendix does. That means nobody knows. You never hear, “Science doesn’t know, “but Earl has a theory. Earl, when you were cleaning the toilet, you mumbled something.” How is that an acceptable answer from the entire scientific community? “Yeah, we don’t know. Well, back to cloning everything.” And they just remove the appendix. That’s the solution. Take it out! We don’t know what it does. And it’s fine. But you know the first time they did it, “We removed your appendix. Let’s see what happens.” I had my appendix removed in Alaska. That’s not why I went there. I was on vacation with my family, and I had this sharp pain in my abdomen, and since I’m a genius, my first thought was, “Oh, I pulled a muscle in my stomach.” That’s what I sincerely thought. See all these muscles? I thought I pulled one… doin’ nothin’. And the pain was overwhelming. I couldn’t move. My wife was like, “I’m gonna go for help, I’m gonna go for help.” But we’re in a remote area of Alaska so she just ran to nearby cabins. Eventually she came back all out of breath. She’s like, “I found a guy, I found a guy.” I was, like, “Oh good, is he a doctor?” She goes, “No.” I go, “Is he a nurse?” She goes, “He’s a lawyer.” I guess he can do my will. So then this lawyer-doctor came over, and started asking me questions, and when you’re in pain all questions are annoying. He’s like, “Do you have a fever?” And I was like, “Are you even a lawyer?” He’s like, “Is it a dull pain?” “There’s nothing boring about this.” Eventually I had to be airlifted on advice of counsel. (audience laughs) I was airlifted, which was embarrassing, ’cause unlike a heroic airlift if someone from a natural disaster or a wounded solider, I was just a fat guy with a tummy ache. (audience laughs) The helicopter pilot was like, “Wait, your stomach hurts?” “Yeah, it’s real sore.” “Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?” “But my tummy hurts.” I knew it was expensive. I sat on that helicopter the entire ride just holding my stomach and praying, praying, “Please don’t let this be gas.” (audience laughs) “Sweet Jesus, don’t let this be gas. ‘Cause if it’s gas I don’t think I can return to my family.” (audience laughs) Hey kids, daddy’s back. Had some gas. Took a helicopter ride. None of you wanted to go to college did ya? It’s a little out of our price range now. We don’t know what caused the gas. It might’ve been daddy’s three breakfast burritos. Pretty much a medical mystery. I was airlifted to the closest hospital. They removed my appendix. They did a good job. I mean, I’m female now. (audience laughs) The surgeon who removed my appendix, his name was Dr. Muffuletta. Which is also the name of a delicious New Orleans sandwich. And I do look like a guy who would know that. So when he introduced himself I was like, am I being visited by the ghost of sandwich past? Is Nurse Po’Boy about to come in? (audience laughs) I woke up after the surgery covered in Mardi Gras beads. (audience laughs) No, I woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like, “The surgery was a success. Just let me know if it hurts when you pee,” and I was like wait, where’s the appendix? (audience laughs) How exactly did you remove it? This doesn’t sound like a success at all. Then she explained, right before the surgery, they inserted a catheter. I didn’t know what that was so I was like, “Oh, okay.” And then I started piecing it together. It hurts when I pee, catheter. I’m suing this hospital! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer-doctor. What monsters. If given a choice of peeing all over myself, or having a tube inserted in my penis… I’ll take the pee shower. I guess I’m old fashioned, you know? (audience cheering, applauding) Checking out of the hospital, the desk clerk was so excited. He was like, “You had your appendix removed. I had my gallbladder taken out.” I was like, “We should vacation together. “What are the odds two fat Americans had surgery on their digestive system?” I was released from the hospital the day after the surgery. They gave me pain killers. They also instructed me to do some walking, which I assume was part of the recovery, but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight. “Have you ever done any walking? “Have you ever leaned forward and let “your legs propel your fat ass? Let’s take a break from your motorized scooter.” And I was in Alaska, so I said this was perfect. So I returned to my family, and we immediately went on a hike and it was great. Alaska’s beautiful. My kids were havin’ fun. I was pretending like I enjoyed being outside. And then suddenly we saw a bear, like, 500 yards away, this huge brown bear, like, way bigger then a gummy bear. And I was so excited ’cause I watch nature shows, but I had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting. I was like, “Oh my God, I’ve watched you on Animal Planet. “You’re so much taller in person. Can we do a selfie?” But unlike a celebrity sighting, there was the risk of death. Like, you never hear, we’re in restaurant, Tom Hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family. That never happens. But the bear was far away, so I took out my phone and I started taking pictures, and then suddenly the bear stood up, roared and looked right at me. Started creeping towards me, tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized me. “That guy looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience cheering, applauding) I was terrified. Luckily, we were with a tour guide, and I looked at him and he goes, “Don’t worry, I have bear spray,” and I was like, “Do you have anything stronger? “Like a bear gun? “‘Cause I don’t think this bear’s approaching to get his hair done.” And the bear kept coming, kept coming, and then suddenly the tour guide goes, “Okay, I want everyone to start walking backwards slowly. Walk backwards slowly.” I guess, so the bear could catch up. So we started walking backwards slowly. By then the bear was in a full sprint. I had surgery 12 hours ago, so I smelled delicious. I was also sunburned, so I probably looked like a giant land salmon. The bear couldn’t believe his luck, like, “I’m not gonna have to eat for a month.” I was like, “I’m gonna die! I’m gonna be eaten by a bear!” Which is ironic given how many animals I’ve eaten. So I started humming “Circle of Life,” and continued walking backwards slowly. I should point out it’s not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin. We were walking backwards slowly to nothing. It probably looked like we were teasing the bear like, “Come and get it, Mr. Bear. “Are you looking to get a little grisly? Craving a little 2XL are you?” And before you knew it the bear was upon us, and he killed us and we died. Such a bloody mess. No, what really happened, is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing, it looked like a pen. I was like, “Great, he’s gonna ask for the bears autograph.” And I learned later on it was a bear flare, and he squeezed it, and this tiny fire ball went out towards the bear and I was like, “Oh good, something to anger the bear.” The fireball bounced off the bear. The bear stopped and then just ran the other way like it forgot something at home. And we all looked at each other like, “Oh my gosh, that just happened, that just happened.” And that’s a true story. Well, most of that’s true. Well, it’s all true except there was no bear. (audience cheering, applauding) And– No, there was a bear. I do sometimes lie up here. I’m not proud of it. But sometimes we all have to lie. Like, even when I tell my children not to lie, I’m kind of lying to them. Some people are like, “You should never lie to a child,” and those people don’t have kids. ‘Cause when you have kids, you lie to them all the time. You’re, like, “You wouldn’t like this ice cream, “it’s very spicy. “I’d share but Santa said I can’t. Now why don’t you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom?” (audience laughs) I’m not encouraging lying. I’m just saying there are times when you need to, right? Like if you’re late to meet someone, and you can see that they’re already angry, and you don’t have an excuse, you have to lie. ‘Cause if you told that person the truth, they would never speak to you again. You can’t be like, “Hey, I gotta come clean. I just couldn’t motivate to get goin’.” “I mean, eventually I could. What I’m tryin’ to say is I don’t value your time.” (audience laughs) I’ve identified there are two times when it’s socially acceptable to lie. To spare someone’s feelings, it’s okay to lie. It’s also okay to lie to cover up a murder. (audience laughs) Allow me to explain. When we discover someone’s a murderer, we also learn they’ve done some fibbin’. But we tend to focus on the murder part. You never hear, “I’m angry he killed that guy, but frankly I’m more upset about the lying.” It’s the dishonesty that bothers me. Some trust has been broken. Speaking of lying murderers, I watch a lot of “Dateline.” I don’t wanna brag. Some other winners out there. If you’re unfamiliar or you have a life, “Dateline” — (audience laughs) is a news magazine show like “60 Minutes,” but at one point “Dateline” just went all-in on murder. And it’s usually spousal murder. Like if you watch “Dateline,” it appears most marriages end in murder. (audience laughs) Every episode starts the same. They had the perfect marriage. But you know someone’s gettin’ killed. A husband, a wife. Sometimes they’ll get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. Like, you took a vow, do it yourself. (audience laughs) Anyway, I was watchin’ this one episode of “Dateline” about this guy who murdered his wife. It was gruesome. I was watchin’ with my wife on our anniversary. My wife didn’t care. I mean, she wasn’t thrilled I was taking notes. “What are you writing down?” “This guy’s just sloppy. It’s like he’s tryin’ to get caught.” If anything, this guy’s plan was foolproof. What he did on his anniversary is he threw a party for him and his wife, and they invited all their friends so that they could see how happy they were, and then the next morning he took his wife fishing. He rented a boat, he brought a cooler, some tackle, three concrete blocks and a tarp. (audience laughs) You know, for fishing. And he woulda gotten away with the whole thing, but three months after his wife disappeared at sea, he got engaged to a stripper. Which is kinda suspicious. And to celebrate their engagement, they dropped acid, as tradition would have. (audience laughs) And while tripping on acid, he admitted the whole thing to his fiance. And she turned him in ’cause she didn’t appreciate the dishonesty. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) And as the episode ended all I could think is, “I’m a terrific husband.” I’ve never even thought of murdering my wife. Well, I’ve never made plans to murder my wife. Well, I don’t own concrete blocks. (audience laughs) I can see some of you are like, “Jim, I don’t like the murder jokes. I don’t like them.” But wouldn’t it be great if in a week, you learned I was a murderer? ‘Cause then you could brag. You could be like, “Oh my gosh, “we were at the taping for his special. And he had all these jokes on murder.” “Were they good?” “Not really, no. He was better at murder than comedy.” If you know me, I would do anything for my wife, and that’s part of my alibi. No, I– (audience cheering, applauding) I would do anything for my wife, but I’m not a romantic person. I wish I was. There are moments when it’s glaringly obvious. I get to travel so much during stand up. I did a show in Cologne, Germany, and before the show, I was walking over this bridge that went across the Rhine River, and as I walked across, I noticed there were hundreds of locks, hundreds of locks on this bridge, and each of the locks had two initials, and it was apparent that couples had put the lock there as a symbol of their relationship, and I looked at it and I thought, “That’s perfect.” Nothing captures love like a rusty padlock, dangling over filthy water. But it was visually spectacular and it affected me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this. I found myself spending the next hour just kind of looking for a hardware store in this town I had never been in. I spent an hour looking and eventually I found a hardware store. I went in and I bought a bolt cutter. (audience cheering, applauding) And I went back and I started snipping off the locks. And with each snip I said, “It’s over. It’s over. You’re free.” And people were givin’ me dirty looks. What a grand romantic gesture right? But, you know the first guy who did that was a psycho. Like his partner or girlfriend was not a willing participant. He was like, “You’re probably wondering “why I brought you to the middle of the bridge, “in March. I’m gonna do something you’ll never ever forget.” She was like, “Oh my gosh, are you gonna jump?” “No. I wanna put this lock here. “I’ll put it here as a symbol of our love. “Soon others will do it, and the bridge “will be covered with locks. “But you’ll know that the first lock was the symbol of our love.” And the woman’s like, “Is that my bike lock?” (audience laughs) “Not anymore.” (audience laughs) “Jim, that’s a sad story.” Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party for a dog. That’s right, I have friends that are mentally ill. (audience laughs) I went, I went. It was in my apartment building and I needed the material. (audience laughs) And to be fair, the dog was surprised. Didn’t suspect a thing. Dog didn’t know it was his birthday. The dog didn’t know it had a birthday. The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment. It was the dog’s third birthday, which in dog years doesn’t matter. (audience laughs) Someone made that up and we just went along with it. Oh, one year equals seven for doggies? Okay. When I see a dog, I’ll do math. That’s not fulfilling some dog need, you know? There’s not a dog sitting in a bar right now going, “I’m not three, I’m 21! I can legally drink!” That’s not how dogs keep track of time. If you have a dog, you know they don’t keep track of time. You’ve left your home, forgotten something, walked back in only to be greeted by your dog like you’ve just returned from war. “You’re back! It’s a miracle! You’re back after I don’t know how long ’cause I’m a dog.” (audience laughs) These poor dogs. We just attach these points of view on these poor dogs. Like dog is man’s best friend. How desperate are humans? We’re best friends, right? Dog’s like, “Well, aren’t we different species?” “But we’re best friends forever.” “You know you lock me in the house all day, “with nothing but a bowl of water. You’d think you’d let your best friend sit on the couch.” “We’re best friends. Now put on this fireman’s outfit. We’re gonna do a photo shoot for Instagram.” “You know sometimes when you sleep, I think about eating your face.” (audience laughs) But I get it. I love dogs too. I love animals. We all have a friend that announces they love animals in a way that implies the rest of us are drowning kittens. “Yeah, but I love animals.” Well, that’s a pretty exclusive group of just you and anyone who’s not a serial killer. “Yeah, but I just get along with animals better.” Or humans don’t like you. (audience laughs) I did have an opportunity to go on a safari, which was unbelievable. It was breathtaking how bad the wifi was. (audience laughs) I went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking. ‘Cause that’s what you do on a safari. You follow animals and watch them. You’re like… Beautiful. (audience laughs) It’s a good thing these animals can’t report us to the police. “Yeah, officer, that fat guy in the untucked shirt “followed me for an hour this morning. “I woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family. (audience laughs) “We were naked. Yeah, the guy who looks like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.” (audience laughs) On the safari, I saw one animal kill another animal, and intellectually I was, like, I don’t wanna see that, but emotionally in the moment I was like, “Get him.” “Kill it!” My kids were totally savage about it. They’re like, “Kill him, kill him! I want blood.” My kids were with me. My kids were poorly behaved on a safari. They’re six and seven, and animals would walk by like, “Savages.” (audience laughs) My two youngest are six and seven year old boys, and they’re total savages. They’re constantly picking on me. They’re jumping on me and they pick on me. How they pick on me recently is they make fun of my, what they call my huge boy part. (audience laughs) Now before you think I’m walking around the house naked, or in fact have a huge boy part, you should know that, like, when you have young sons, you have to constantly encourage them to use the bathroom, and if you’re a dad, sometimes you pee with them, so that’s why they’ve seen my boy part. But that doesn’t explain why sometimes at dinner, they’ll just point at me and giggle, and go, “Dad and his huge boy part.” I never know what to say. I’m like, “Guilty.” “Got me again. Did you hear that honey?” (audience laughs) Lovely weather out there. (audience laughs) I prefer the cold to hot. I do. I know that’s surprising looking at me, given I look like a snowman. (audience cheering, applauding) But I prefer the cold you know? Last summer I was in Las Vegas. It was 114 degrees. 114 degrees. You can actually hear the sun at that point. (imitates sun crackling) It didn’t feel safe. I was, like, “Are we supposed to be here?” 114– Like, you’re never at a friends house and, “Warm in here.” “Yeah, I set the thermostat to 114. That’s how I like it. I’m part lizard.” (audience laughs) Thermostats don’t even go up that high. Meat thermometers do. I think God is just cooking people in Vegas. (imitates sun crackling) “Ooh, that one’s smoking. I love smoked meat.” (imitates sun crackling) It was 114 degrees, which was shocking, but not as shocking as how casually Las Vegas residents just went about their day in that heat. It was like… (imitates sun crackling) They were like, “Let’s play Frisbee. Time to walk the dog.” I was like, “Get inside! “The Earth is on fire! “Get inside and beg for God’s forgiveness. You’ve obviously angered him!” That’s why Vegas is called Sin City, it’s the same temperature as Hell. I have a friend from Vegas. I told him it was 114. He goes, “That’s nothin’.” I’m like, “No, that’s somethin’. That’s actually the temperature you boil water at.” He’s, like, “It’s not that bad.” “Not if you’re makin’ Ramen.” He’s, like, “That’s our summer.” That’s not summer. Summer is when you barbecue on the grill, not the side walk. It’s so weird to be places where summer is the enemy. I was, like, in the southwest, they talk about summer like it’s an ex lover they never wanna see again. “We gotta get outta here before summer gets here. Last year, I couldn’t leave my house when summer was here.” You ever notice the further north you go, the more obsessed people are with summer? Like I– In February, I was in Bangor, Maine, and everyone was talking about summer. Everyone I met, they’re like, “You gotta come back during summer. You gotta come back.” Which is a strange way to greet someone. “Hi, how are ya? Come back later.” (audience laughs) And it was everyone. “You gotta come back during summer, you gotta, I’m–” “Yeah but I’m here now.” “Just make sure you come back.” “I didn’t wanna come the first time.” (audience laughs) But I love how northern cities sell summer. Like, “Summer here’s unbelievable. It’s perfect. For one twelfth of the year it’s ideal. “Otherwise it’s a tundra filled “with alcoholism and depression. But for those 13 odd days it’s worth it.” (audience laughs, cheers) I did nothing today. Didn’t feel any pressure to do anything. Some places you feel like a pressure to do something, like St. Louis, “You gotta go see our arch.” “I don’t want to.” “Go look at our arch.” “Why don’t I just go McDonald’s and see two?” San Antonio, “You gotta go to the Alamo.” “I was gonna nap.” “No, you’re gonna stand outside in blistering heat and look at a building.” “Can’t I just say I forgot about the Alamo?” You know who didn’t wanna go to the Alamo? The people who died at the Alamo. I bet their last thought was, “I wish I didn’t go to the Alamo. I thought it was a rental car company.” Can you imagine that level of bravery? 187 Texans fought 2,000 of Santa Anna’s finest Mexican troops and at one point those 180 Texans just decided, “We should just fight ’til we all die.” Like, if I was there I would’ve been like, “Excuse me. I love the idea of Texas too, “but have you tried this Mexican food? “It is delicioso. I propose we remember the guacamole.” Of course Vegas, the big assignment is to gamble. Nobody every admits they gamble when they go to Las Vegas. “You goin’ to Vegas, you gonna gamble?” “No, I’m gonna see shows.” “You’re not gonna gamble at all?” “Well, if I walk by a poker table “I might sit down and lose $10,000. I’m mainly going for the shows.” We don’t like to admit we gamble. People never admit it. They’re like, “I’m not gambling, “I’m just pulling this lever. I like to pull levers. “It’s a good arm workout. “I’m not gambling, I’m just watching these horses run and letting the winner determine if I keep my home.” (audience laughs) We are country that loves to bet on horses. Every spring, we track the three races of the Triple Crown, and every spring I always have the same thought. We’re still doing this? Is Woodrow Wilson president? But people love the Triple Crown. The Kentucky Derby, where people bet on horses while they’re dressed like characters from Gone with the Wind. It’s like prom for gamblers. “Do you like my hat? I’m living in my sisters garage.” (audience laughs) “‘Cause I have a debilitating gambling addiction. Shall we have another mint julep?” They always announce the winner of each race on the news. You can always tell the horse was named by a guy on his eighth wife. The horse is always named like Viagra’s Revenge. Alimony Be Damned. They show a picture of the winning horse on the news. They could show us a picture of any horse, we wouldn’t know the difference. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with that horse image. It’s not like we’re gonna run into that horse in a bar. “Excuse me, did you win the Kentucky Derby?” “I did, I won the Kentucky Derby. Now I’m in a bar, enjoying a Heiferweizen.” There is the classic photo of the winning horse right? They’re always wearing that huge horseshoe wreath of flowers they stole from someone’s grave site. Standing next to the winning horse is the owner of the horse, who did not train the horse, did not ride the horse, and based on body language has never really met the horse. There the owner stands, looking like they’ve never paid taxes. Sitting on top of the winning horse is the jockey, who’s dressed like he just came from a local pride parade. They always interview the jockey expecting some insight. They’re like, “How’d you win?” The jockey’s like, “I whipped the horse and it ran.” (audience laughs) It’s very rare for a horse to win all three races in the Triple Crown, mainly ’cause they’re horses and they don’t care. Mostly they just want someone to stop whipping them, ’cause they’re horses. I didn’t know this. After the Triple Crown, all those horses retire. They retire at the age of three. It feels early. They retire and then they’re sent out to stud. Those horses get paid to have sex, which in some ways is better than winning the Triple Crown. That’s like the quadruple crown. That’s gotta be an adjustment for those horses. Like, “Hey, remember when we whipped you “and we wanted you to run? “Well, now when we whip you, we’re gonna have you do something a little different.” (audience laughs) “How many horse jokes is this guy gonna do? I never thought I’d miss a murder joke.” There’s a lot more horse jokes. And if you haven’t noticed, I know nothing about horses. I don’t horseback ride mainly because I prefer to be comfortable, and it’s not the 1800’s. I’m sure the horses aren’t thrilled either. They’re like, “Why am I carrying you around? I saw you drive up in a Honda Civic?” (audience cheering, applauding) But people like to horseback ride. I have a friend, she told me the reason she enjoys horseback riding is ’cause she loves horses which seems like a strange way of expressing love for something. Making it carry you around on its back. I mean I love my Great Aunt Katie. (audience laughs) I’m not gonna make her carry me around on her back. Not anymore, yeah. (audience laughs) I don’t even know why we have to specify that it’s horse-back riding. (audience laughs) Are there people like, “Hey, you wanna ride a horse? What part?” (audience laughs) “The part that looks like a seat, the back.” “Oh good, ’cause I’ve done horse-ass riding. That was painful, I kept fallin’ off.” (audience laughs) I should probably tell you, the rest of the show is all horse jokes. (audience cheering, applauding) (gasps) “Is he serious?” (audience cheering, applauding) There are different types of horses. (audience laughs) “He’s gonna keep going isn’t he?” No, there are breeds of horses, right? Which is different from horse breeding. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen two horses breed, but that’ll keep you awake at night. If you’ve never seen two horses breed, do not YouTube it. Do not YouTube it and print out still images. Don’t do that. Don’t affix your face on one of the images and show your wife and think it’s funny. She won’t think it’s funny. But that says more about her then you. What was I talkin’ about? Horses. It’s strange how we treat horses. We give horses shoes. I don’t even know if horses need shoes. You never seen a horse in the wild walking around like, “Ow! “Ow! I wish I had some damn shoes!” We give horses shoes that are metal. Metal. That’s worse then Crocs. That must be hard to shop for right? “Do you have anything in metal but not a slip on? Something I can nail to my foot.” That’s what we do, we nail it to their foot! And when we’re not doing that, we’re literally tossing the horseshoe around as a game. The horse must be like, “What the hell are you doin’ with my shoes? It probably looks like we’re taunting the horse. “Hey, horse, why don’t you come and get your shoes? “Why don’t you go and grab it? Oh, you can’t, ’cause you don’t have hands!” The horse shoe, a symbol of luck for everyone but the horse. I don’t know if this is true. Someone told me that when horses are sent out to stud, some female horses will wear high heel horse shoes. Makes them more confident. “I’m gonna be payin’ for this later on. Oh, and I’ve been on my feet all day.” (audience laughs) “That’s gotta be the end of the horse jokes.” Horse people, and I’m not talkin’ about people that are half-horse, half-human, which are centaur’s and they don’t exist… anymore, right? No, people who own horses will tell you that the horse can’t even feel the nail going in their foot. Not that anyone’s ever heard a horse go, “That’s fine, hammer away. Next time glue, just don’t tell me where you got the glue from.” (audience laughs) Oh, that was too edgy? There’s no horses in here. There’s not a horse in the front row goin’, “Hey, take it easy on the glue jokes. I’m gonna–” I love how some of you look for it. “Is there a horse out there?” (audience laughs) It’s strange how we treat horses, you know? The most shocking way how we treat horses is when they break their leg, we shoot them. That’s a harsh medical plan. And someone explained the reason they shoot horses when they break their leg is ’cause it’s unlikely the leg will heal properly, and I was like, unlikely? So there’s a chance? Can you imagine how stressed out horses must be? Like, “I stepped on a branch. “It was a branch, put down the gun! Look at the branch, it’s a branch!” Even if they’re injured they’re like, “I’ll walk it off, I’m gonna walk it off. “Put the gun down, jeez. “You guys, anyone? “Have you ever heard of Ben Gay? What’s goin’ on? Put down the gun!” (audience laughs) I can see on some of your faces, that you would frankly prefer if I did more horse jokes. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) Okay. (audience laughs) It’s odd, how we treat horses ’cause we live in this era where we treat our dogs and cats as family members. People are always trying to get their dog on an airplane. You know it’s just a matter of time before someone brings a horse on a plane. “Are you kidding me? “This is my therapy horse. He keeps me calm on the flight.” “We’d like to welcome our Silver Medallion members to board. “And anyone traveling with a farm animal, “you can board at Gate 47. Feel free to grab some sugar cubes that we’ve…” (audience laughs) Horse power. (audience laughs) Horse power is so different from girl power. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, “You go, horse!” Hey! Hay is what horses eat. (audience laughs) Okay, I can tell at this point there’s probably one or two, or 300 of you, that are frankly annoyed by the horse jokes. (audience laughs) And I want you to know that your annoyance gives me pleasure. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) All right, you know what? That’s, that’s– No more horse jokes. I promise, I promise. All right? Anyway, um… ponies… are completely different. (audience laughs) Here’s the problem with doing roughly 10 minutes of horse jokes. Besides the audience hating you for the rest of their lives. It’s for the next couple minutes you will all be like, “Is there a horse joke comin’?” (audience laughs) Or you’re gonna be like, “He coulda put a horse joke in there. “He didn’t use the reference ‘giddy up.’ Why wouldn’t he put it in there?” But I want you to put the horse jokes aside. Put them in a barn. And I’m gonna talk about something else. Maybe. No, it’s over. I– You know, as I mentioned earlier I did some shows in Europe and I only bring that up to try and impress you. But I flew over. Really the only way to get across the Atlantic. You rarely run into someone who’s like, “You know what? I paddle boarded. It was a great arm workout.” I flew over. That transatlantic flight wipes people out. People are a mess. They’re like, “I need a day. I need a day.” The flight doesn’t sound that hard. It’s like, “Oh, it was brutal. “I had to sit and watch two movies. “I felt like I was being water boarded. I need a day.” I was flying back, 3,000 miles, seven hours. We landed. The guy sitting next to me was like, “That took too long.” It used to take six weeks, on a boat, if you survived. That’s how long it took Columbus to get from Spain to the western hemisphere, six weeks. But you know, once Columbus got here he was like, “I need a day. I am so boat-lagged. “Give me a day and I’ll get right down to murdering and plundering.” “Jim don’t bring up Columbus, you’re too white.” But Columbus, that’s part of our history right? Columbus ushered in all these people that came to the western hemisphere, and some of them did bad things. But humans have done bad things throughout the world. Like in Australia the way some of the settlers treated the aboriginals, it was not nice. It was not a g’day. (audience laughs) In fact it was a series of bad days or bidet’s. (audience laughs) In New Zealand, the settlers shared the land with the native people, the Maori people, a very noble warrior-like people, but the Maori weren’t even the first people in New Zealand. The first people in New Zealand were the Moriori and then the Maori came and ate them. Not even makin’ that up. That’s the most intimidating thing you could do to your enemy, right? Like, “Oh, you’re gonna kill me?” “Yeah, and then I’m gonna grab some mayonnaise.” (audience laughs) “What are you gonna d– Oh!” Could you imagine those initial English settlers in New Zealand? ‘Cause the British had conquered the world. They had colonies on every continent so by the time they got to New Zealand they were like, “We’ve done this before. Let’s meet with the locals and take over.” So they met with the Maori and they’re like, “So what happened to these Moriori people, did you kill them?” And they’re like, “Yeah, and then we ate them.” The English were like, “We were thinkin’ “we could share the islands. “You wanna share? You’re not hungry now are you? “You know what? Get ’em some shepherds pie. Tell ’em it’s made out of shepherds.” (audience laughs) “Jim even makes colonialism about eating.” (audience laughs) They were cannibals. By the way, at one time, all human civilizations were cannibal, which means back then it meant something different when someone said, “I’m craving Indian or Thai.” (audience laughs) I can see how you wanna be offended, but there’s no reason. When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know? Norway, I tried reindeer meat. I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January, and they had a sale on reindeer meat, and nothing says Christmas season is over, (audience laughs) quite like a sale on reindeer meat. It’s gotta be a tough day for Santa. “I wanna thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas. “Great job. Now when I call your name, come with me into the smokehouse.” (audience laughs) France, I ate so much cheese. So much delicious French cheese, and I feel like I’m still digesting it. My delicate American body couldn’t handle the French cheese. And it’s not like I don’t eat cheese. Most of you are looking at me like, “We think you eat cheese. We think you might only eat cheese.” But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level. In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal. So you’ll eat an appetizer, then you’ll eat an entree, then for no reason at all you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese, then you eat dessert. After that, you go to the hospital. And of course, I’ve eaten chunks of cheese before, just not in public. Or with pants on. Eating chunks of cheese, that’s something I’m usually caught doing. My wife’s like, “What the hell are you doin’?” “Nothing honey!” I remember the first time I had the cheese course, I’d eaten an appetizer, I’d eaten my entree and I started eating my cheese course, and I heard my heart say, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to anger you?” My brain took over. “It’s all right, it’s all right. “There’s gonna be some sweating. “Bowels, you can take a couple weeks off. Appendix, get ready to blow.” (audience laughs) Tried so many delicious French cheeses, and I couldn’t tell you the name of one of them. And they would tell me the names. They’re like, “This is (imitating French). From the (imitating French) region.” And I’d be like, “So not cheddar? “‘Cause I tried cheddar. “You guys get cheddar over here yet? I like me some cheddar.” Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese, or as the goats call it, cheese. They’re not caught up in your cow cheese bias. You know, when I see cheese I don’t even see an animal. I just see something my body can’t process. (audience laughs) I like goat cheese. I’d never looked at a goat and thought, “I bet that would make good cheese.” (audience laughs) How do we even get to the point of goat cheese? Was someone like, “This cow cheese is good, but see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?” (audience cheering, applauding) “Can someone try and milk it? “I got a hunch it would make cheese that would great with beets.” (audience laughs) Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy. When they make a sandwich in Europe they put butter on their bread, they put butter on the bread, and then mayonnaise. Ugh. That’s like putting on contacts and glasses. (audience laughs) Butter on the bread of a sandwich? That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for. “Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, “they put butter on the bread. No wonder they fat pig.” That’s a good impression of absolutely every European. (audience laughs) I did love doing shows over there. You never knew what was gonna work. Sometimes there’s a language barrier. There’s different references. There’s famous people in other countries we’ve never heard of. I was doing this show in Ireland before. I was doing the sound check before the show, and the sound guy was like, “Do you have any special requests?” And I jokingly said, “Well, I’ll probably close my show by singing Raglan Road,” which is a famous Irish folk song based on a famous Irish poem and the sound guy was like, “Ooh, I don’t recommend that.” And I was like, “Well, I was kidding but why?” And he goes, “Well recently Billy Joelle did that.” And I was like, “Who’s Billy Joelle?” (audience laughs) And he goes, “You don’t know who Billy Joelle is?” I was like, “I’m from another country, “I don’t know who’s famous here. “What is it, Superman’s dad? I don’t know.” He goes, “Billy Joelle is from America. And I was like, “Oh my gosh, there’s an American who’s famous in Ireland that I’ve never heard of.” He goes, “Billy Joelle, Piano Man. Uptown Girl.” I was like, “Oh, you mean Billy Joel.” (audience laughs) He goes, “No, it’s Billy Joelle.” For a second I thought, “Maybe he’s right.” (audience laughs) This wouldn’t be the first time I discovered I mispronounced someone’s name for my entire life. In my mind I started going through every conversation I had on Billy Joel. I’m like, “Did anybody else say Billy Joelle? When I said Billy Joel, did anyone look at me strange?” Then I remember, you know who pronounces it Billy Joel? Billy Joel. And at that point the opening act had come in, and he was also from Ireland, and I said, “Hey, this sound guys calls Billy Joel Billy Joelle. And the Irish comic goes, “It is Billy Joelle.” I was like, “Is everyone crazy in this country? What, there’s no one in Ireland named Joel?” And he goes, “Yeah, we call them Joelle.” I was like, “Well then, what would you call someone who’s actually named Joelle?” He goes, “You mean like Billy Joelle?” Stop it. No. I loved Ireland. I spent two weeks there. One of the weeks, I was in Donegal, which is a county in the northwestern part of the Republic, and I had noticed something. Everyone in Donegal has a washer and dryer, but nobody uses their dryer. They’re like, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll just hang that out to dry.” And I was kinda skeptical, but I was staying with friends, and they offered to do my laundry, so they took my clothes and they washed it, and they hung it out to dry, and I was kind of impressed ’cause after only three days… (audience laughs) my clothes were still wet. (audience laughs) ‘Cause what they’ve yet to realize is it rains every day in Donegal. It’s like living in a shower. But my friend, she was so proud of the line drying, she goes, “Isn’t that just better? Doesn’t that smell glorious?” Meanwhile I’m holding a wet tee shirt. “Yeah, this is great. I can just pretend I got off a log ride.” “There’s nothing better than waking up on a cold morning and putting on a wet Billy Joelle tee shirt.” (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) My kids were with me in Amsterdam. I brought my kids to the Anne Frank house. I told some friends that and they were like, “Aren’t your kids a little young for the Anne Frank house?” And you know what I learned? They are. They’re too young. But I wanted to bring them, you know? It’s an important place I want them to learn. So I brought them. We were standing outside the Anne Frank house, and I said, “This is a special somber place. “This is where Anne Frank, her family and some friends “hid from the Nazis for two years, “and they couldn’t speak during the day, “and Anne also wrote this diary. So let’s be respectful.” My six year old raises his hand and he goes, “Do they have video games here?” (audience laughs) And I said, “I’m gonna need you to be quiet, for the rest of your life.” (audience laughs) I bought tickets online to the Anne Frank house. I Googled it. The Anne Frank house has a Google rating of 4.4 out of five stars. Who’s giving the Anne Frank house a bad review? (audience laughs) It’s like, “Yeah, it wasn’t that fun. It was kind of crowded, and there were no video games.” (audience laughs) Why do we feel the need to review everything? Nobody’s going to Anne Frank’s house looking for hot dogs. “Well, I misread it. I thought it was Anne’s Frank house. I was gettin’ ready to have me an Amsterdam dog.” (audience laughs) When I travel with my kids, we always try to do one educational thing a day. It usually involves going to a museum, and museums are great, they’re important, but they’re also exhausting, right? Acting like you’re interested in that crap. (audience laughs) There’s so much pressure to be impressed in a museum. It’s like “Ooh, look at that kids. “Wow, that’s a, well that’s a water fountain. What do we got over here?” And I’ve been to all kinds of museums. I’ve been to children’s museums, which are really just museums of diseases your kids can get from other peoples kids. It’s like, “Why don’t you go over there and see if we get the chicken pox.” In Stockholm, I brought my kids to a ship museum, the Vasa Museum. It was a ship museum, but it only had one ship, so it felt more like a ship garage. But that one ship, the Vasa ship, sunk on its maiden voyage in Stockholm’s harbor in the 1700’s, which is not good, but that’s the largest attraction in Sweden. Most countries, their big attraction is a design marvel like the Sydney Opera House or the Eiffel Tower, but Sweden was like, “Here’s our boat that didn’t float.” (audience laughs) “This is why we make furniture.” (audience laughs) “That, ironically, floats.” (audience laughs) Often the museums are art museums. Those are the most intimidating, right? ‘Cause in art museums, they tell us what is the good art. We have no say in the matter. “That’s good art.” “Oh, okay. I’ll take your word for it.” They treat everyone like a child in an art museum. They’re like, “Don’t touch anything. Nobody touch anything.” I wasn’t gonna. Now I kinda want to. (audience laughs) Everyone’s speaking in hushed tones. “Be respectful. “We’re about to look at the work of a mad man. He painted this after he chopped off his own ear.” “Why are we whispering? Van Gogh’s dead. Even if he was alive, he couldn’t hear us.” (audience laughs) Recently after a show, someone came up to me. They’re like you know, it’s not pronounced Van Gogh, it’s pronounced Billy Joelle. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I do find it hard to leave art museums, mainly ’cause I can’t find the exit. Great, another room filled with paintings of ugly Dutch people. In the 1600’s they painted every ugly Dutch person. “Hey, you’re hard to look at. Can I do your portrait?” (audience laughs) “Makin’ that hay look good aren’t ya?” (audience laughs) Fine art, sometimes I feel like it’s wasted on me. You know like the Mona Lisa? We’ve all seen the Mona Lisa. The most beautiful smile in the world. The most beautiful smile. I’m like, “Have you seen Halle Berry?” (audience laughs) Heck, have you seen Chuck Berry? (audience laughs) I don’t even know if Mona Lisa’s smiling. To me it looks like she’s, just came from the dentist. She’s like, “Mmm.” (audience laughs) “Novocain’s wearin’ off.” Art museums will occasionally ask if you’d like to become a member. “Would you like to become a member?” “Uh, how, how often would I have to come here?” (audience laughs) I think I can only pretend to be interested once. There’s always people sketching in an art museum. I always point them out to security. I’m like, “Copying.” Got a forgery happening mid forge. Those art museum security guards you know, they’re important. Some of that art is priceless. Some of it’s on loan. You see that next to a painting. On loan from a rich person. “The poor people may look at my art. But don’t let them get their peasant fingers on it.” (audience laughs) Some of that art is priceless. Recently, a Da Vinci painting sold for $450 million. 400– What room do you put that in your house? “I put that in the game room.” It was a Da Vinci painting, Salvator Mundi. It was a painting of Jesus, but it’s not like Da Vinci even knew what Jesus looked like. He painted it 1500 years after Jesus walked the earth. So he was just guessing. He’s like, “I don’t know. He’s got brown eyes probably? I don’t know.” (audience laughs) He probably just painted someone he knew. You know back in the day they’re like, people are like, “What, is that your nephew Eddie?” Da Vinci’s like, “No, that’s Jesus. (audience laughs) The savior of the world.” (audience laughs) “Eddie is wearing the same outfit as him.” “That’s a coincidence.” (audience laughs) So many paintings of Jesus right? But there’s really two types of paintings of Jesus. There’s Jesus as an adult, or Jesus as a baby. There’s no teenage Jesus. There’s no acne Jesus, with the beginning of a mustache. (audience laughs) “Jim, you’re going to Hell for that.” And you sound so dumb right now. That is my worst fear is to come across like an idiot, and you guys are like, “You should be terrified then.” (audience laughs) I mostly get nervous when I’m talking to really smart people. You ever been talking to someone, and you hear yourself not make sense? But instead of stopping, you just keep talkin’? “You know what? I’ll pull it together at the end. Oops, that might not have been a word.” That’s usually the moment where I make eye contact with my wife. She’s like, “What the hell are you doing?” “I’m trying to make you look good.” Here’s how dumb I am. When someone’s criticized on social media for being stupid, I get nervous. Like, “Oh, they’re comin’ for all us dummies. Probably gonna start with a spellin’ test or somethin’.” (Jim chuckles) The kids aren’t with me, but if we’re really quiet we can hear them screaming in New York City. (audience laughs) When I travel without my children, in between those moments of guilt, are just hours of happiness. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) I mean, I love my kids. I just love them more when I’m not with them. (audience laughs) And when I travel without my kids, I do nothing. I’m so productive when I travel with them. When they’re not here, I do nothing, and then I’ll do nothing all day and then I’ll call home and my saintly wife will just pick up the phone, and there’ll be chaos in the background. And she’ll be like, “What’d you do today?” And I’ll be like, “What’d I do? “Well, I got up. Did that a couple times.” (audience laughs) “Enough about me. What about you?” And she’ll put my kids on the phone. They’ll be like, “Third grade’s hard,” and I’ll be like, “It gets so much worse.” School is hard you know? I try and be supportive in the morning. I’ll be like, “Look, I know you don’t wanna go, “but just remember, I never have to go to school again. Anyway, off you go. I’m gonna nap.” (audience laughs) I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna be a kid. I like the age I am. I wouldn’t wanna be a teenager. I wouldn’t wanna be in my 20’s. I like being 30 years old. (audience laughs) I try and schedule tours around school breaks, you know? Like at Christmas one year, I did a bunch of shows in Florida, and my wife and kids came down. My wife’s family also came down ’cause they didn’t want us to have a good time. (audience laughs) I’m kidding. I love my wife’s family. Did that sound believable? I do love them. They’re my in-laws. That’s a strange term, in-laws. “Are you related?” “Uh, legally. In a court of law.” In-law, it’s like the opposite of being in love. We’re in law. We law each other. Very much. In-laws are like family you’re assigned. It’s like, “You wanna spend your life with that person? You gotta take those 10 people.” “All of them?” My only issue with my in-laws is there’s too many of them. My wife is one of nine children, so every holiday all nine of the siblings and their individual families all get together and spend every moment together. Over Christmas, I went to a movie with 30 people. I didn’t even know that was legal. We were walkin’ around, people thought we were from a church. To put it in perspective Jesus only walked around with 12. (audience laughs) I learned very quickly I don’t wanna do anything with 30 people. If I was on the Titanic and the last rescue boat was filled with 30 people, I’d be like, “You guys go ahead. “I don’t want to be there when you try and decide where to eat lunch.” (audience laughs) Oh, but it was more than 30 people, ’cause sometimes those 30 people will invite other people. So you’ll have conversations and someone will be like, “I’m your wife’s uncles best friend.” Oh, there’s a term for that. Stranger. (audience laughs) You’re a total stranger. (audience cheering, applauding) I do love my wife’s parents. Their names are Louise and Dominic so I call them Louise and Dom. My wife’s siblings, some of them have gotten married and their spouses, some of their spouses call Louise and Dom Mom and Dad ’cause they’re weirdos. No, I understand. Sometimes you marry into a family and become so close to the parents that you wanna call them Mom and Dad, but don’t. (audience laughs) It’s weird and confusing for the rest of us. Wait, that’s his mom? He married his sister? (audience laughs) What state is he from? (audience laughs) This is, by the way this is all prosthetic. (audience laughs) After the show it comes off. I just air it out and it’s like, I feel so free when I get it off, you know what I mean? It’s getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise. In your 20’s, you’re like, “I wanna be with someone physically fit, so I’ll be physically fit,” and in your 30’s, you’re like, “I wanna fight off aging,” and in your 40’s you’re like, “It’s over.” (audience laughs) And now I’m at the point where I look at morbidly obese people and I’m like, “They seem happy.” That’s one way to live a life. I used to exercise to lose weight. Now I exercise so I can continue to fit in cars. It’s still a fitness goal. (audience laughs) I’ve been in better shape in my life. I go in and out. It’s been awhile. Not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is I ran the New York City Marathon. – (audience applauds) – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Half of you are, like, “No, you didn’t.” I did, you bastards, all right? I ran and completed. All right, fine, I didn’t. (audience laughs) But I thought about it. Which I guess is technically different then running it. It turns out I couldn’t run the New York City Marathon ’cause I didn’t want to. Which is the main reason I don’t do a lotta things. I just rarely admit it. It’s like, “Hey, Jim, why didn’t you come to my birthday party?” “I didn’t want to.” We never really reply to invitations that way. “Don’t wanna go. Completely available, just not interested.” (audience laughs) “Really wish I wasn’t there, so I won’t be.” (audience laughs) I know people who have run the New York City Marathon. They always bring it up. They’re like, “Yeah, I ran the New York City Marathon.” I always ask, “Did you win?” “No, but I finished.” “What place you come at?” “I don’t know.” “Sounds like you came in last.” “Really what you’re saying is you lost the New York City Marathon.” “If I were you I wouldn’t bring that up.” (audience laughs) But that’s why some people run marathons so that they can say, “I ran a marathon.” Which to me is not a good enough reason. Heck, I can say I ran a marathon. In fact, earlier I did. It didn’t feel good, it felt dishonest. I guess what I’m trying to say is marathon runners are liars. All of them. It’s too far. It’s way too far. 26.2 miles, that’s too far to run, jog or frankly drive. Let’s be serious. But you know what? I’m not a runner. I’m not a runner. Half of you are like, “We never thought you were. At this point we’re not sure if you’re a walker.” But running is huge right? There are stores just for runners. There’s magazines dedicated to running. “Runners World,” a magazine all about running, and if you thought running was boring, wait ’til you read about running. (audience laughs) At this point, is there any information we don’t have on running? Oh, you’re supposed to use your arms when you run. What? I think I’ve been runnin’ backwards. No wonder I keep losin’. (audience laughs) The runners high. I’m sure that’s not a myth. Let me get this right. You’re confusing exhaustion for high? Have you ever been high before? How can you confuse, “I can’t breathe” with “Joy?” (audience laughs) The runner’s high. Has anyone ever used that as an excuse? Sorry I ate all the chips. Runner’s high. Hey, I ran a 10K in high school. I think I’m still high. But there’s running, and then there’s running a marathon. You know you have to pay to run a marathon? What? For the New York City Marathon you have to pay $250 to run by yourself 26 miles. That’s some S&M stuff there. That’s like the subplot of a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. You gotta pay that up front. It’s not like there’s a toll system. Like we’re on 13 mile. What is this a chip reader? You ever see the beginning of a marathon? All there runners line up in their voluntary prison number? (audience laughs) And then someone shoots a gun. Red flag. And the runners disperse like Godzilla’s approaching. Ah! Why is there a weapon involved in a foot race? Whatever happened to someone saying “go?” All right let’s review how we’re gonna start the marathon. We’ll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning, Cooter will shoot his .357. (audience laughs) In the air this time, Cooter. Then we’ll just sit back, count the money and watch some of them soil themselves. (audience laughs) (audience cheering, applauding) You ever see the winner of a marathon? They do not look healthy. They look like they were forced to run a marathon. Like it was some negotiation as part of ransom. I finished, I finished! Now can I have my children? I ran 26 miles, I drank my own urine, I’m wearing a tin foil blanket. What’s going on with my kids? Of course I respect people who run marathons. Heck, I’m impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons. I always look at them, I’m like, I couldn’t do that. Probably gotta get up early, then you gotta find cups. Then there’s passin’ out all that water. My arm’s just sore thinkin’ about it. At least those people are doing something at the marathon. You ever see the rest of the people watchin’ the marathon? They’re like. (audience laughs) What is going on in your life, if you’re watching strangers run a marathon? (audience laughs) I suppose some of them are there supporting friends. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t even want someone to see me in a hurry. That seems like a big request of a friend, right? “Hey, can you watch me run 26 miles? Only take your entire Sunday.” You can only watch someone run part of a marathon. It’s not that big of a commitment. It’s like, “You can do it, you can do it! All right, I’m goin’ to brunch.” (audience laughs) But you could watch someone run a marathon. You can’t go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill. (audience laughs) “Excuse me sir, what are you doin’?” “I’m supportin’ that lady.” (audience laughs) “Do you, uh, do you know her?” “Not yet, but I brought her this lock for the bridge.” All right, that is all for me. Thank you very much. (audience cheering, applauding) This was so fun. Thank you for coming. Appreciate it. (audience applauding, cheering)

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dan Soder: Son of a Gary (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dan-soder-son-of-a-gary-transcript/

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Soder! (cheers and applause) (cheering continues) (chuckles): Yeah. Yay! How the hell are ya? (cheering continues) Wha? Ah! All right. All right. (cheering continues) Thank you. All right. That– that’s– It was believable to a point. But then you’re like, you don’t even know. You don’t know how this is gonna go. This could suck! You could leave and you’d be like, “Why the fuck did I clap in the beginning? That guy stinks at comedy!” I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I’m a dumb person. I’ve learned you’re not allowed to call yourself dumb on the Internet without a stranger arguing with you. That’s how fucking broken the Internet is. If you go online, you’re like, “I’m an idiot!” Someone you’ve never met will be like, “Don’t say that.” (laughter) “You don’t know that.” It’s the only thing I actually know. I’m 36 years old. I just learned, this summer, from a doctor, I’m no longer allowed to eat, then go to sleep. (laughter) What kind of horseshit world are we living in? Dude, my favorite thing in the world is to eat, then go directly to sleep. I’ll eat laying down if it speeds up the process. Have you ever had a huge meal then gone right to sleep? You sleep so fuckin’ deep. You touch the bottom of the pool every time. (laughter) Whenever I meet someone that’s like, “I have insomnia,” I’m like, “You’re not eating late enough.” -(laughter) -Just… eat as your eyes are shutting, you’re gonna go down like a goddamn grizzly bear. (laughter) You are gonna wake up with the heartburn of a 20-year homicide detective… (laughter) …getting chewed up by cold cases. Like, “All those bodies and no names!” (laughter) “Those are someone’s children, Diane!? (laughter) Yeah, sometimes– I’m glad you guys liked that ’cause there’s been some audiences that are like, “Is that a fake detective with PTSD?” What are you mad about? It’s a made-up person. He’s never seen real shit. (laughter) I should tell you at the top of this, I am, uh, I am 20% white trash, so it should explain everything else. It’s not a– Twenty percent white trash isn’t enough to hurt you. It’s not, it just means I like multiple flavors of Mountain Dew… (laughter) …and I have bet and lost money on the X-Games. (laughter) I had a snowmobile parlay that fucked me. (laughter) No, I grew up in Colorado and I was always like, “Oh, our, uh, our white trash doesn’t have accents ’cause we don’t have accents.” And then I watched the X-Games and I was like, “There it is. There it is.” Just every athlete that’s like, (whiny voice): “Hey, what’s up? I want to give a shout-out to my sponsors.” Like, “Fuck, it’s every kid I went to middle school with in Aurora.” (laughter) “Just want to say what’s up to Fox Racing, “Hefty Garbage Bags, KY Jelly.” “How the fuck are those your sponsors?” (laughter) Yeah. I’m a– I’m a guaranteed weirdo ’cause I’m an only child. Um… I was– I was raised by a single mom, so I was alone a lot, and my dad picked the bottle over me, so comedian. (laughter) That’s the recipe. Just add water. Or, in my dad’s case, Bacardi, and then he fucks off. Yeah! You guys don’t think I’m up here ’cause shit went well, do you? (laughter) You think that’s why I’m onstage nightly, begging for the affection of strangers… (laughter) …’cause I had a good childhood? If I had a good childhood, I wouldn’t be a comedian. I’d just be the funniest guy that works at Enterprise Rental Car. Don’t– Don’t act like I wouldn’t. I would fucking crush on the lot. I’d be upgrading you from a standard to a full size. Yeah, I was just a weird kid. I was just a strange– I talked to myself a lot. Loved action figures. Loved action figures, until I was 12. It’s… pretty old. It’s kind of old to play with boy dolls. (laughter) Also at 12 years old, because I’m 20% white trash, I started smoking cigarettes. Do you know how hilarious of an overlap that is? -(laughter) -I would– I would play with my GI Joes in earnest for 30 minutes, and then go outside and fire up a Marlboro Red. Just like… (inhales, exhales deeply) (in gruff voice): “I think Cobra’s got the high ground.” (laughter) “We lost a Ninja Turtle to a lawnmower last week. War is hell.” Some little girl in my neighborhood walks up with a cigarette, she’s like, “You got a light? Ken and Barbie aren’t doing so hot.” (exhales) (laughter) “We had to put a Pound Puppy down last week.” (laughter) I’m kidding, I would never hurt a dog. I love dogs. I get excited every time– Every single time I see a dog, I get excited, even when I have weed on me at the airport. (laughter) It’s a complicated relationship. Remember you got that bag of weed in your pocket, and you turn the corner, and you’re like, “You a good boy or a bad boy?” That dog’s like… (imitates sniffing) Gets close to you, you’re like, “Fuck, please be cool. Fuck!” (laughter) There’s always one person there to be like, “Those dogs actually sniff for bombs,” and you’re like, “Ah, well, in that case, thank you for your service.” (laughter) “I’ve always really respected Labradors. I find you to be a great breed.” I feel bad for the guys that hold those dogs at the airport. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. (laughter) I bet there’s a bunch of shit they want to smell. (chuckles) Dude, that’s– I think that’s hilarious that they signed up to be like, “I want to protect people that are traveling. How do you want me to do that?” And someone was like, “Fucking hold this dog.” (laughter) “But make sure you scream at every child that tries to touch it.” See, that’s the best part of consistently traveling is watching little kids learn to hate authority ’cause they’ve tried to pet the security dog. They’re walking through, and they’re like, “Doggy!” Some cop’s like, “Don’t touch the dog!” Some five-year-old’s like, “Man, fuck the police. This fucking pig, stopping me from touching a doggy.” I travel, uh, I travel, on average about 25, 30 weeks a year doing this. That’s a lot of airports. That’s a lot of other people’s children. (laughter) I hear a lot of screaming babies for a guy that comes in the right places. (laughter) (chuckles) Fucking farm to bag! (cheering and applause) I don’t get mad at screaming babies. I’m not a monster. I think you’re a dick if you get mad at a screaming baby on an airplane. I know what’s going on, that kid can’t talk. Its ears hurt so it’s just gonna scream. I think you’re a dick if you get mad at the parents of a screaming baby on an airplane. Have you seen the parents of a screaming baby on an airplane? They are not into it! They’re not like, “Yeah, this guy fucking yells, huh? “You guys want to see something cool? “Sometimes I push real deep on his stomach and he goes fucking nuts.” (laughter) (chuckles) It’s the only way to fly… a child losing its shit. I’ve gotten on flights though, and I’ve seen people that don’t have screaming babies, you know, they’re just on the flight and they go right to that gate agent, and they’re like, “I’m a Sky Miles member and I was… (muttering)” Like, you’re a piece of shit! You’re an active piece of shit. But that’s what happened. That’s what Yelp did to us. Just turned us into a generation of snitches. (laughter) It’s true, man, we love to tell on each other. Like, “He did that.” For what? For what? For your benefit? Dude, the customer service generation has ruined the American dream. Sincerely, like that old American dream. You know, that one that’s like… “I’m gonna work hard, save up my money, and give my kids a better life.” That shit’s gone! The new American dream is like, “I spent a little bit of money… “on a product. “If anything… goes wrong, I’m gonna fucking uncork on someone.” Yeah! You know how dogs, uh, pre-bark before they bark? If you have a dog, you know what I’m talking about. Like, dogs can hear… They can hear people walk up to the door. So, before those people hit the doorbell, the dogs will be asleep and they’ll be like, “Bark.” (laughter) And then– and then, you know. And then the doorbell goes, like… (imitating dog barking) (laughter) America’s in a constant pre-bark bark. That’s where we’re at right now. (bark) (laughter) Trust me, dude, I know. I was a really shitty waiter for six years, real bad. Trust– However bad you think, much worse. Straight up used to forget people existed. I was a terrible waiter. But I always knew I wasn’t actually in trouble if someone asked to speak to the manager, ’cause I knew the problem wasn’t real. It was always, like, they found a hair in their food. And those people want a very specific reaction. When they find that hair, they want you, as their waiter, to be like, “I’m sorry! “I fucking suck! I’m gonna smash my dick with a hammer!” They’re all, “Yes, yes! I’m the customer!” Fucking– they love that. I never gave ’em that. Ever! Whenever they find a hair in their food, I’d be like… (gasps) “Cool!” They do not like that. They don’t like when you do that. Be like, “Keep going! You might find another one!” (laughter) One time, this lady showed me a hair, and she goes, “Whose hair is this?!” It’s like, “The fucking guy making it! “What do you want, lady?! What’s your endgame? You want a kitchen full of hairless people?” Do you have any fucking clue how terrifying that would be? If you walked in a kitchen and they had no head, or eyebrow hair. Like, “It’s almost ready!” Like, “What is? What are you fucking serpent people making?” (laughter) You want a kitchen full of Voldemorts. You’re cool with that. (laughter) (man guffawing) (chuckles) Dude, I love that you’re laughing, but your laugh could also border on bully, -in such a way… -(laughter) Like, I know it’s supportive, but I am insecure enough, that if it did– if a couple of jokes didn’t hit the way I wanted, I’d be like, “Are you– what the fuck you laughing at?” Just go full Aurora! Like, “What’s up, bro? You wanna fucking die tonight?” (laughter and applause) I don’t get mad at screaming babies. Just solve the problem yourself, be an adult. Be an adult. Pick the hair out of your food, fucking move forward. The second I hear a screaming baby on an airplane, I don’t get mad. I don’t. Second I hear that kid, like… (screams) I just shut my eyes, and pretend the baby is the lead singer of an EMO band. (laughter) You can’t get mad at that. “Waaah!” and then pretend he has bangs over his face. (as baby): ♪ I’m flying and I’m scared ♪ ♪ And whoa, so, waaaah ♪ (chuckles) And I’m laughing at a screaming baby, looking like a psycho. (laughter) I’m like, “It’s gonna be a good flight. “The kid’s really going through some stuff. He understands pain.” I feel like I should be honest. I did lie. I have been mad about one screaming baby on an airplane. Uh, it was a four-hour flight, and the kid screamed takeoff to touchdown. Which, halfway through, you’re like, “This is just impressive.” The lung capacity on this thing. It’s the second most impressive thing I’ve ever seen. One time I was on a cross-country flight, and I took a heavy edible. And I heard two different screaming babies harmonize. (laughter) I don’t even know if it was the edible, or if I just made that up, but I was– I was honored to be there. (laughter) But this flight, this four-hour flight, this kid wouldn’t stop. It was like, “Aaaaah!” And then as we landed, you just heard the kid go, “Aaah! Mom?” It’s like, “Motherfucker! You can talk?!” “Now we got a problem! Now we got a real problem!” I just– Waiting at the end of a jetway for a baby. Just like… (in Aurora voice): “What’s up, dude? “What’s up? You fucking 16B? “You’re a noisy boy! Fuck! What’s up, dude?” I don’t have kids. Don’t worry. I do– I do not have children. Uh, not sure if I’m gonna. I might just keep shooting my gun in the dirt. (laughter) Yeah! Uh, there’s been times where I feel like I’d be a phenomenal father. There’s been a couple of times where I’m like, “I’d be a really good dad.” One time, I brought edibles home from Colorado to New York. And my roommate couldn’t sleep. I told him to eat late. He didn’t listen. (laughter) But he’s like, “I know you have those edibles. Can I eat one of those edibles? It might help me sleep.” I was like, “Better, I’ll eat one with you. I’m a good roommate.” So, he ate his edible and went to sleep. I ate my edible and played video games. Like a man who lives with a roommate. (laughter) Very on-brand. I got– I got through one quarter of a game of NBA 2K, and then I felt the warmth in my stomach. You know when you feel that edible warmth, and you’re like, “Oh! (laughter) “There’s a storm coming!” (chuckles) Every weed edible’s the exact same. You eat it, and then 30 minutes later, you go, “That didn’t do shit!” And then the edible’s like, “What the fuck did you say?!” Like the edible was gonna leave but it came back in, “What did they guy say? What did he say?! “I don’t do shit? Here’s every fear you’ve had since you’re nine!” (laughter) Oh, fuck, oh! I forgot I don’t like the smell of fresh glue! (laughter) So, that’s where I’m at! I’m about to get launched. And I’m like, “If I’m going through this…” Then I look over to my roommate’s bedroom, his door– wide open! He’s standing in the doorway, in just his boxers, holding a gallon of water. And right as we make eye contact, he just goes, (whimpering): “I think you gave me too much.” It was– It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever felt like a dad! I was like, “Hey, buddy! Can you not handle your shit?” (laughter) “Let’s put you on the couch. Get on some Family Guys .” I, actually, did a bunch of shows in Canada this summer, and I learned that Canada, as a country, legalized marijuana completely across the board. But they weren’t allowed to have edibles till December of 2019, because, in Colorado, when it went legal in 2014, a bunch of little kids ate edibles, and got cool as fuck! (laughter) They were immediately skateboarding to school. They called their parents by their first names. No, I mean, that’s got to be fucked up. You’re six years old and you just knock back three gummy bears and then 25 minutes later you’re like… (exhales) You’re starting to sweat like, “I’m starting to think Santa’s not real. (laughter) “Uh, I got first grade right around the corner. Fuck it. They’re bending letters into each other.” Yeah. I do drugs. I’m fun. I’m a fun, fun guy. Thank you! (cheers and applause) I, uh, I don’t– I don’t do coke. I’m not obnoxious. Sorry, sorry, not gonna corner you at a house party and try to start a business with you. (laughter) It’s just fun to see who’s been trapped, by a small– yeah, with a guy that’s like, “Dude, I’ll get us a website by Monday.” (laughter) “You know the people, I know the places. “We got to fucking hang out. We got to fucking hang out way more.” No, I don’t like– I don’t like the drugs that make you take your shirt off. I don’t have the torso for it. (chuckles) I like the drugs that make you wonder why we wear shirts. The kind, you lay, and you’re like, “What is a shirt? Are we shirts for our souls?” (chuckles) I do mushrooms, I probably shouldn’t have just said that. I like to, yeah, I like to do mushrooms. -(cheers and applause) -Yeah. I agree. I agree, till I’ve eaten too many, then I don’t agree. I eat too many, I don’t like anything… existence, gravity. Got a real problem with mirrors. (laughter) It’s just fun to see who laughs ’cause you know that they’ve stared in a mirror and been like, “Fuck!” Yeah, last– two summers ago I went to a music festival, and took 3.7 grams of mushrooms. -(scattered groans) -Yeah, that’s what I love about drug math. It fucking gets that honesty out of people. That was great. Doesn’t get laughs, but you– you know. I said 3.7 grams, you know, everyone that didn’t do mushrooms in the room’s like, “That’s not even enough for a casserole.” (laughter) They just heard a bunch of, like, “Oh, fuck, oh, God. So you’re, like, a different guy now.” (laughter) Yeah, don’t do that at a music festival. A lot of conflicting energies. I ended up losing my shit in a field. (laughter) I learned a lot. I learned a whole lot. Mostly I learned that electronic dance music is the devil’s music. (laughter) You know how, like, since the ’50s, they’re like, “Rock and roll is the devil’s music. Rap’s the devil.” No, those have soul. EDM is just robots tricking you into dancing. (laughter) “Boop-boop-boop-boop Boop-boop. (in deep voice): Let the beat drop.” That’s Satan. Who do you think that is? It’s the fucking devil sealing us up. No, I just don’t– I just don’t like EDM. I’ve never heard an EDM song I like. It all sounds like it’s based on an alarm clock. Every single one’s like, “Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca.” You’re like, “Oh, fuck, am I late for my nine o’clock? No, that’s just the latest single from a Swedish teenager.” (laughter) I don’t know, Scandinavia is just pumping out EDM DJs. (chuckles) You can like EDM, I don’t have to like it. That’s what music is. You can like shit I don’t like, I can like shit you don’t like. Some people don’t like music. Do you know those fucking psychos are walking around? I was at a barbecue, and I heard a woman in a different conversation group just go, “I don’t like music.” What? I thought she meant, you know, like, genre. So I was like, “Oh, you mean, like, country, or metal?” She’s like, (emphatically): “I don’t like music.” Fun. I bet you’re a blast on a road trip. Just an hour in, she’s like, “Turn off the radio! “I want to hear the wind whip around the cabin. (laughter) “Leave one window down so an odd pressure builds. (laughter) I love long drives with the feeling of an inner ear infection.” What kind of broken monster doesn’t like music? That’s fucking strange. My favorite thing in the world is to get high, take a shower, and listen to music. -Love it. -(cheers and applause) Love it. I do it every day. It might be a problem, we don’t know yet. I try to explain, you don’t have to be just high in the shower letting the water hit you. You can do stuff. You can– you can air drum. (laughter) You can air guitar. You can do my personal favorite, which is bring up a fight with a coworker from 2004. (laughter) You guys never reheat some 15-year-old beef in the shower? That’s what shower arguments are built for, giving someone you haven’t seen the business. You’re just like, “Fuck you. You’re always that fucking guy at work.” And then you give them something to say. You’re like, “I knew you were gonna bring that up, I knew it!” This is how low my self-esteem is. I lose 50% of my shower arguments. I lose as many as I win. My roommates walked by the bathroom and heard me in the shower alone like, “You know what? It’s a good point. I apologize.” (laughter) “I’m sorry. I didn’t see it from your perspective.” Yeah, I mean, when you, uh… when you go on the road as a mall clown you have to… (laughter) Yeah, that’s what this is. People laugh at that, but it’s true, I’m– I’m a mall clown. I’m cool with it, I love my job. But sometimes when you’re a comedian in 2019, you can get on Twitter and see other comedians that I’m friends with and genuinely respect, Tweet out crazy shit like, “As an artist…” The fuck are you talking about? We’re a step above carnies. Art? You think I compete with art? There’s not a two-drink minimum at the ballet. (laughter) I know what I am. Most of the rooms I perform in were originally designed for laser tag. (chuckles) (laughter) It’s all right, I know what I am. One of the parts that sucks that I don’t like is when you’re on the road on Friday mornings, you got to wake up super early and you got to go pimp yourself out to a local radio station to sell tickets. You got to go make fucking Buzz and the Scooch laugh. Which is fun until it’s not. Then they suck and they’re like, “Hey, we’re here with Dan Soder from Trillions and the Campfire Podcast.” Like, “It’s called the fucking Bonfire.” So I was in– I was in Washington, DC, and they’re like, “You got to get up at six in the morning for morning radio.” I was like, “Fuck that.” I got up at 5:30 in the morning, got irresponsibly stoned, and then took a shower and listened to music, ’cause I’m an artist. (laughter) I was in the shower. I was listening to Chance the Rapper’s Coloring Book. Great album. There’s a song on there with Lil’ Wayne and Lil’ Wayne has this verse where he just goes, (imitating Lil’ Wayne): “I got problems bigger than these boys, oh-oh-oh.” -And that noise… -(laughter) …made me laugh harder than anything I’ve heard in comedy. Dude, he gives up. He gives up in the middle of a song! He’s just like, “Oh-oh-oh.” Look it up, it’s not a lyric. Dude, that shit had me laughing so fucking hard. I just started replicating the noise. I was like, “Oh-oh-oh.” And then I started putting it in different situations, like I was surprised, like, “Oh-oh-oh.” You know, scared like, “Oh-oh-oh.” I did it enough that I was laughing hard enough that I dropped my body wash, then when I picked up my body wash I was like, “Oh, shit. This is gonna be my new mistake noise.” (laughter) Like, if I meet someone new, you know, and I’m like, “This is my friend Adam.” I’m like, “Adam?” “Aaron.” “Oh-oh-oh.” (laughter) So now I’m laughing harder. I’m having a great, great naked, wet laugh, which surprisingly you get very few of in life. Most of the time if you’re naked, you’re wet, and you’re laughing, you’re a crazy person. You just escaped something. You’re just like, “Yeah!” Like, “He’s so fucking slippery.” So I’m in the shower. I’m laughing very hard, and then I just hear a very subtle, like -(imitates knocking) -“Shut the fuck up.” But I’m high enough that I’m like, “Maybe I’m– Maybe I’m making that up.” So I turn– turn the speaker off, get back in the shower, I hear it very clear like, -(imitates knocking) -“Shut the fuck up.” I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder in my life. I almost slipped in the tub. (laughter) That guy’s day is fucking done. 5:50 in the morning you’re up slamming on a wall yelling, “Shut the fuck up”? You cannot have a good day after that. You know how many times that guy heard me make that noise? (laughter) It wasn’t once. Just dead asleep and it’s like, “Oh-oh-oh.” “Shut up.” “Oh-oh-oh.” “Shut the fuck up.” “Oh-oh-oh.” “Shut the fuck up!” That guy definitely has a real job. (laughter) He’s just tired at work later in a conference room like, “Hey, guys. Uh, sorry I’m not the sharpest. “They got me staying next to Lil’ Wayne. This guy is full of mistakes.” (laughter and applause) Pretty sure I’m gonna die alone. We all are physically, unless you grab a nurse at the last second. (laughter) I just wanted to see who’s fun in the room. Fuck you, that’s a fun joke. If you could time that out right, that’s a real fun joke. Just second to last breath like, -(imitates heart monitor beeping) -“Get over here.” (imitates flatline) Just fuck up some orderly’s Wednesday. They’re like, “Yeah, was a good day “till the guy in 34C fucking headlocked me before he died. “20 minutes, 20 minutes in that armpit. (laughter) They had to butter my neck to get me out.” Now, I’m 36 years old. I’m single. I don’t believe in dating apps, ’cause you can’t smell the other person. (laughter and applause) Come at me with your science, I will prove you wrong. No, I, uh… dating in my 30s is basically me looking back to every single one of my previous relationships and being like, “Oh, it was my fault… the whole time. Huh, really thought it was someone else there for a second.” I used to have such a bad drinking problem in my 20s, I would wake up on the subway in New York and be like, (scoffs) “Not a decent woman in this town.” (laughter) Fucking puke all over my jeans. I’m like, “You cannot find a good girl.” And now I’m like, “Oh yeah, call’s definitely coming from inside the house.” (laughter) A lot of apologies. No, I used to, you know, when I was in my 20s and even in my early 30s, used to be afraid to tell women that I had a fucked up childhood. I just didn’t want to tell ’em ’cause I was afraid they were gonna run away, and now I realize, if you had a fucked up childhood, you should brag about it… ’cause it means you can endure. And it means you’re gonna be way better at sex as an adult. Sorry, everyone, that’s the trade-off. Terrible childhood, dynamite in the bedroom. You’re not gonna be a good partner, no, no, no. (laughter) You’re gonna be a big problem for a lot of people, but you’re gonna have some seasoning on you. What, do you want to fuck someone that got raised by two loving parents? (laughter) What, do you want to make eye contact the whole time and stay in between the sheets? Gross. I want to fuck someone that got punched in the head for no reason. I want a wild card. Best sex I ever had in my life, I had to watch my wallet the entire time. (laughter) I thought we were being adults, being honest with each other. I’m broken, I have abandonment issues. I go down on women like I have abandonment issues. I give please-don’t-leave-me head. I’m broken, your cum is the glue. It’s an old family motto. I think my grandma has it stitched on a pillow. (laughter) I think it’s so weird. I think it’s so weird you’re allowed to advertise with sex. You’re allowed to make people feel like shit because of sex. But the second you bring up the psychological reasoning for a sexual behavior, everyone gets weird. It’s fucked up. It’s hard to meet a sexual partner that you match with. Some people like to talk dirty. Some people don’t. Real tough to be on the wrong end of that one. (laughter) I hooked up with a girl once, I started talking dirty and immediately she goes, “Oh boy. We got a talker.” (laughter) Oh, whoo, that was right in the solar plex. Yeah, if you ever want to know how to shut someone up during sex that is the perfect way. I promise you, for the next four minutes that man’s gonna breathe through his nose like he’s moving a couch against his will. It’s a lot of through the teeth talking. You’re like, “Fuck, it feels very good.” (laughter) No, I mean, I’m still idyllic. You know, I’m 36, but I’m still idyllic. I love crushes. Crushes are fun. When you have a crush on someone and you see ’em and you’re like, -“Fuck.” -(laughter) Or they text you and you’re like, “Oh, fuck.” Or you tell them you have a crush on them and they’re, like, not into it -and you’re like, “Fuck.” -(laughter) Dude, revealing a crush to someone that’s not into it has to be the creepiest feeling in the world. You feel like you’re showing someone a dead body in the woods. You’re like, “Come here, I want to show you something.” She’s like, “What? What is it?” “Come here, it’s over here. I put it under this tarp.” Like, “What?” And you’re like, “I love you!” They’re like, “No, I thought we were friends!” You’re like, “Fuck, no. We’re just friends. We’re just friends. “Fuck it. Totally friends. “Fuck. Fuck, let’s get out of these woods, huh? -Let’s fucking go.” -(laughter) I like having crushes. They’re still fun. But I’m in my 30s, so they’re just a little more perverted. That’s it, that’s the only difference. When I had a crush on a girl when I was a teenager, I was always like, “She’s so pretty. I hope I– I hope I get to kiss her.” Now at 36, when I like a woman I’m like, “Phew, I hope I get to eat her butt. (laughter) “I’m trying to put my mouth on her worst part over and over again.” Which is crazy ’cause I remember growing up, uh, you know, little kids would always try to tease you, and they’d be like, “You’re a butt munch.” Remember that? Like, “You’re a butt munch.” You’re like, “No, I’m not! No, I’m not!” Turns out those kids nailed it, nailed it. They knew me better than I knew myself. It took three decades for my palate to develop. (laughter) I definitely– I definitely can’t, uh, I definitely can’t date a woman that doesn’t have a dark sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at dark humor, I don’t think I can hang out with you if you don’t laugh at dark humor. If you don’t laugh at dark humor, I think you did something, you know? Any time I’ve ever met someone that’s like, “Don’t joke about that!” -It’s like, “Who did you hurt?” -(laughter) If you don’t laugh at dark humor, I’m convinced you don’t laugh at your own farts. (laughter) I don’t want that for anybody. What a tough way to go through life, just standing there alone like… (imitates farting) (laughter) How dare that air rip out my butthole? You know, I love farts. Farts are the funniest thing in the world, any country, any language, top dog, farts. Biggest laugh I ever got in my life was ’cause of a fart. Fifteen years old, I was taking the PSATs. You know exactly what kind of chair I was in. (laughter) I was in one of those orange public school plastic chairs, the original fart amp. Dude, the curvature on those bad boys– unbelievable. If you had the one with the three slits in the back, you could play different chords. It’s like, “Peh-peh-peh.” So my mom gets the money together. I go to take the PSATs. It’s on a Saturday. They put me in a classroom with three of my best friends. That’s their first mistake. Second mistake was the teacher that was proctoring the tests was a teacher from a different school, so I don’t know this guy. I don’t respect his smell. (laughter) I’m making my friends laugh throughout the test. Halfway through the teacher just comes and stands over my desk and he goes, “Young man, do you know how to be quiet? Q-U-I…” Right as he gets to the E I just look up at him and lean a little bit to my left, and then went… (imitates high-pitched fart) Biggest laugh I ever got in my life. Legitimately thought I was gonna get a standing ovation. It was like a fucking Def Jam set in there. Then a DJ played me out of the room. That’s not true. They asked me to leave. They, uh… Yeah, you can’t fart in a teacher’s face and go right back to your Scantron. (laughter) I definitely broke a grown man that day. You can’t return to a position of authority after a teenager has locked eyes and farted in your face. I heard he walked into the woods and ended it Japanese style, the honorable way. No, I think you should use dark humor to laugh at the shit in your own life that hurts. I think that’s the best use for humor in general is just make fun of the shit in your life that sucks, and it helps. It doesn’t solve it, but it alleviates it. If you make fun of the darkest shit in your life, I promise you, it’s just a drop of lube… (laughter) …in a buttfucking of a life. I love doing dead dad jokes. My dad’s dead. People with dead dads love dead dad jokes. You know who doesn’t like dead dad jokes, surprisingly? People with living dads. Greedy assholes, you’re like, “Are you talking about my papa?” Like, “Shut up. Shut up, he’s fucking fine.” (laughter) If you have a dead parent, you know what I’m talking about, the second you bring it up to someone that doesn’t have a dead parent, they get weird as fuck. It’s not their fault, they just don’t know how to handle that so they just get, like… (shrieks) They end up just launching sympathy at you that feels way out of place. When they find out they’re like, “No!” You’re like, “What the fuck? What do they owe you money? What’s up?” Like, I don’t understand that. I don’t understand why you’re sad about something that you’ve never… Like, I tell people all the time my dad died of drinking when I was 14, and immediately people are like, “That is terrible.” You don’t know him. He was a Jimmy Buffet fan. That’s exactly what he wanted. Cirrhosis is the Parrot Head way out. My dad literally wasted away in Margaritaville. (laughter) What are you sad about? You didn’t– He’s not your dad. I don’t understand why his alcoholism’s always supposed to be sad when I tell people he’s an alcoholic. They’re like, “Did he steal your food money and spend it on his hooch?” No, he was just fun. I’m sorry that my dad partied so hard he died from it. What’s up, Gary? I think your living dads are a bunch of nerds. Staying alive your whole life, fucking geeks. (in nerd voice): “Oh, I’m gonna be there when you turn into a man.” Beat it, dork. (laughter) Go steal some rum, disappear for a couple years. Make me interesting. I don’t even know if my dad is actually dead. That’s just some shit my grandma told me. (laughter) You guys just got white-trash M. Night Shyamalaned. Fucking twisted. No, he’s dead. He’s in the dirt. We, uh… we have the paperwork. Did you know there’s levels of dead dad? I didn’t know that, like degrees of a black belt. Like, when my dad was alive he wasn’t around, so I was always jealous of kids whose dads were around. Then my dad died, then I got jealous of kids with better dead dads. (laughter) Dude, I’ve lived in New York the last 13 years. I have multiple friends whose dads died saving people in 9-11. Top-shelf dead dad. That is premium American hero, dead dad. My dad died drinking next to a lake. He relaxed to death. Bottom-shelf dead dad. Dude, my friends’ dads probably said something heroic, you know, like, “We need to save those people.” My dad’s last words were, like, “I like mine with lettuce and tomato.” “Pickles and pickle, and cold…” (imitates flatline) (laughter) I don’t even believe in death. I think it’s just another form of consciousness. That’s how many mushrooms I’ve taken. (applause) I know, I know. I definitely believe in aliens, that’s for sure. It’s 2019, if you don’t believe in aliens, you’re an asshole. And you’re the reason they’re not showing up. Fucking knock it off. Be cool, they have a lot of stuff we could use. I think if you don’t believe in aliens it’s for two reasons. It’s either mathematically you don’t know how large the universe is, or psychologically you don’t want to deal with the fact that aliens don’t want to hang out with us. (laughter) Stings, don’t it? They’re just flying right by like, “No, fuck that shit.” Why would they? Why would they ever want to hang out with us? We’ve never left the planet. We went to the moon in the ’60s. We haven’t stopped sucking our own dicks since. (laughter) We went to the edge of the driveway and touched the mailbox. And we’re like, “We’re space travelers.” Shut up. What happens whenever we go to another planet? Whenever we launch a fucking satellite to another planet, the second it touches down, first thing, humans are like, “Is there water here?” What a shitty way to show up somewhere. If anyone walked into your house like, “Where’s your water? If you don’t have water, you don’t have life!” You’d be like, “Get the fuck out of my house.” We don’t know. We’re the home-schooled kids of the universe. That’s what we are. We’ve never left the planet. We’re just standing on our lawn like, “We have puzzles.” And they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here.” My favorite people are the people who want to fight the aliens. Those people are fucking hilarious. They’re always like, “Let them show up.” It’s like, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna Will Smith them? You gonna punch them in the face and they’re gonna fuck off? You forget that Pokemon Go almost took us out. (laughter) Do you remember that smudge on humanity? People were looking at their phones like, “I think there’s a Pikachu.” And it’s like, (imitates truck horn). Like, “Aah.” I think my fear of aliens is that they are gonna land, I’m gonna meet one, say something stupid, and then they’re gonna fuck off. I’m always afraid that I’ve said some dumb shit and I’m not aware of it, always. I live in Queens. I’ve lived there for 13 years. I live next to a mosque, best neighbors I’ve ever had in my life. Legitimately, they pass out cookies when they break fast on Ramadan, which as a pothead… (laughter) …what a way to learn about a holiday. So we live in the front of the building and we don’t have bars on our windows ’cause our landlord hates us, and one of our windows jams ’cause the wood is warped. So last summer I got the window open, got a nice breeze, got very high, then I’m running very late. They’re probably connected. But I was definitely more late than I was high. Like, I was late to the point where I’m like, you know, you pick up your keys and then you drop them, and then you accidentally kick them under the couch. And then you’re like, “Let the fucking world burn.” (laughter) So I’m like that kind of late, and then I go to shut the window, can’t shut the window. Fucking pushing on it. I’m high enough that I’m like, “Did I forget how to shut a window?” And I’m pushing on this window, not moving. As I’m working the window, a woman in a full burka comes out of the mosque, with maybe, like, a three-year-old boy at her side. And she’s walking in front of my apartment, and right as she gets to the front, her and I lock eyes, and right as we do the window just slams shut. And I just go, “No, no!” And she grabs her son like, “Aah!” That fucked me up for three months. Three months. Three months, I keep thinking about this little boy who’s gonna grow up to be the most famous person of all time, and he’s gonna be like, “One day when I was a child, “my mother and I were leaving the mosque “when a white man with red eyes slammed his window and yelled, ‘No!'” That’s not what happened, I was fucking late. Just yelling at a biography, “I’m sorry!” I’m always paranoid. I live in a constant state of paranoia. I’m a hypochondriac. I’m a massive hypochondriac. This week alone I’ve battled throat cancer, AIDS, and a neurological disease to be named after me when I die. (man guffaws) That almost sounded bullying. That was like… You’re like, “Ha-ha-ha, you’re gonna die.” (groans) No… (chuckles) (laughter) I was just watching TV on Tuesday and my hand fucking jumped and I was like, “Well, that’s it. (laughter) “It’s the beginning of the end. I should probably Google ‘right-to-die states.'” Yeah, but I’ve been a hypochondriac for, like, about 20 years, and several times throughout those years I’ve had thoughts of suicide, and then immediately I’m like, “Dude, you can’t be both. You can’t be a suicidal hypochondriac.” Just walking around like, “I’m gonna fucking end it! “But I also have this pain. (laughter) “It only goes right to left and never left to right, “usually when I’m sitting. I’m gonna figure that out, then it’s fucking curtains!” Also shout-out to the guy that loves suicide. (laughter) What a– what a fucking limited fanbase. He’s like, “I fucking love suicide.” (imitates gunshot) “Goddammit, our numbers keep dropping. It turns out these people that love it, fucking do it.” I think you should joke around about everything in your life. I think you should joke around about the stuff that actually legitimately makes you sad. My grandmother’s 92 years old, she’s my favorite person on the planet. I love her more than anybody. She lives in San Francisco, I live in New York. I worry about this woman daily, if not hourly. Now, do I have a joke about murdering her? Yeah. (laughter) I think it’s weird if you don’t think about killing your older family members. They have soft bones, they’re easily tricked. They have stuff that’s almost yours. One slip in the shower, you get a piano. That’s a fucking deal. Whenever I visit my grandma I pull up her bath mat like… (popping) “About to get me a Steinway.” (laughter) Just get that shower gel out like… (laughter) For those of you not laughing at that joke, I told my grandma that joke and she laughed, and then she goes, “You’re not getting the piano.” -Yeah. -(laughter) “Fucking sweet burn, Nana. Sweet ass burn.” No, man, she’s my only family member left on my dad’s side. I’m her only grandchild, so every year for Thanksgiving it’s just the two of us. -Just sit there and eat. -(woman coos) I know, it’s pretty sad. It’s pretty fucking bleak just eating turkey and staring at each other like we’re two old settlers. (laughter) “How’s your bird?” “Dry. It’s a dry bird.” No, last year was the first year it actually kind of got sad. I was visiting her, I was sitting on the couch. We were having a conversation. I got up to get a glass of water. Right when I get to the kitchen, from the couch I hear my grandmother just go, (imitating grandma): “Dan? What’s gluten?” You sweet angel. I think it’s time for you to cross over. Dude, I’m not fucking telling her what gluten is. Are you crazy? That woman was born in 1927 in Muskogee, Oklahoma, then was forced to move to San Francisco because of the Dust Bowl. She’s a fucking Steinbeck character. You want me to tell her what a food allergy is? Do you know how disrespectful that would look? This woman waited in a bread line until she was nine, and you want me to be like, “Nana… “now we have so much bread… “in such abundance, “that certain little kids eat it and their tummies get itchy.” (laughter) I’d rather walk over to that couch and put my hand over her mouth like, “Just go, Nana. Just go. “Gluten is German for goodbye. “Fucking die. Just fucking die.” Yeah. (laughter) Also there’s no way I could kill her like that. If I even went for that, she would just bend my wrist and be like, (imitating grandma): “I’m from a time when men hit women like men.” “Oh, goddammit, 70 years of crosswords has given you a falcon-like grip.” (laughter) ‘Cause she’s tough as shit. My grandma is tough as hell, 92 years old, loves boxing. Sweet and unsettling. I called her during the Triple G, Canelo rematch. I didn’t know the fight was going on, and she just picked up and went, “I’m watching the fight!” And hung up. Is there a gambling problem I don’t know about? No, I love boxing, though. I do love boxing. Strawweights are my favorite. Those are the best. Those are, like, the 90, 100-pound guys. They just beat the shit out of each other, but they’re so little. The little hands can’t knock each other out. It’s like watching squirrels fight. It’s the fucking best, I fucking love it. I love it. My favorite’s when they have translators in the ring after the fight to interview the tiny men. Does not matter the nationality. They’ll get in there like, “You had him in trouble in the seventh round. When did you think the fight might be over?” (high-pitched muttering) And then the translator steps in and he’s like, “My hands are weapons from God. I destroy everything I touch.” You’re like, “That’s what that little-assed voice is saying?” (high-pitched muttering) “His family is lucky I let him leave alive. I am the angel of death, all praise be to Jesus Christ.” I love professional wrestling, love professional wrestling. Get a lot of shit talked to me because of it. A lot of people comfortable calling me a fucking idiot. They find out you like wrestling and they’re like, “You’re 36. You’re a fucking idiot.” But I don’t think so, I just like something you don’t like. I like being a wrestling fan. I think I look at the world different. Politics, mostly wrestling. Donald Trump Ric Flair’ed his way into the White House, and no one but wrestling fans saw what was happening. Everyone’s like, “What is he doing?” “I think he’s going full Horseman Flair right now.” We’ve got to get a good Dusty Rhodes in there. Get someone for the people. Yeah, I watched that– watched that Leaving Neverland documentary. Tough watch, tough watch. I thought it was weird though that that documentary came out, and then immediately after it came out there’s a small group of people that were like, “There is no way that happened.” Like, “No way that happened?” I don’t know, dude. As a guy that grew up a wrestling fan without a dad and desperately wants to be liked, I watched that entire documentary like, (whistles) “Hulk Hogan could’ve had this ass.” I mean, I was like 10 years, I was prime for the picking. Are you kidding me? If he would’ve came through Denver and been like, (as Hulk Hogan): “What’s your name, little brother?” I would’ve tore off my jeans like one of his shirts. “Get in there Hulkster, drop the leg! “What you gonna do, Hulk Hogan, when Dan Soder doesn’t tell on you?” (laughter) Don’t get weird. You can enjoy the joke. You can laugh. I’m the victim in the joke. I am the willing victim, the little power bottom that would’ve had front-row tickets to WrestleMania IX. That’s right before he jumped to WCW, learn your history. No, I mean, it was only– I always want to apologize to my mom after that joke. I feel like my mom worked way too hard for me to go around the world, like, “I would let Hulk Hogan buttfuck me.” (as mom): “That’s not why I tried so hard, Daniel.” My mom just turned 71 years old. I went out to visit her for her birthday. -It was great, man. Yeah, one person. -(one person applauds) -(audience joins applause) -Yeah, dude. It was weird, I went to celebrate my mom’s birthday and then I told one of my friends you know, she turned 71 and he was like, “Oh, she’s getting up there.” I don’t think that’s old. I don’t think 71– I do not think 71 is old in 2019. I think it’s old enough that you know for a fact she didn’t know what the Internet was for, like, five years. Everyone over 60 just got blindsided when the Internet dropped. I’m talking about that’s over 60 now. Like, the Internet came out and they’re like, “What the fuck?” They’re still catching up. They’re like, “I have an iPad.” You’re like, “All right, nice try.” My mom is like, “My phone connects to my laptop.” It’s like, “It’s fucking supposed to. It’s supposed to do that.” The Internet came out when I was 13 years old. That’s when it came into my life, the perfect age, the perfect age. Are you fucking kidding me? Thirteen years old, I was born at the crosshairs of the Internet and puberty. Legitimately for the first three months of the Internet, I thought I manifested it… (laughter) …with my horny 13-year-old brain. I was, “All the boobs in the world into one box!” Then my mom came home from Circuit City and she’s like, “I’ve got a computer and it’s got America Online on it.” I was like, “Ooh, dog will hunt.” Young millennials might not remember, but the Internet used to come in the mail. Like, that’s how you got the Internet. Like, I remember my mom holding up a CD being, like, “What am I gonna do with 500 hours of America Online?” And you’re like, “Let me see that real quick.” (laughter) 13-year-old me was like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, right here. Come on. Going through some real changes, lady.” If you learned how to masturbate during the dial-up age, you have a doctorate in patience. ‘Cause they’d be like, “You know there’s naked people on there?” And like, “Where?” And it’s like… (imitates dial-up Internet modem) And you’re like, “Oh, oh!” “You’ve got mail.” “Go, go, go, go, go.” If you whisper, “You’ve got mail” into my ear, I will come fast. I’m Pavlovian trained. If you’re like, “You’ve got mail.” I’m like, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve got so much mail.” I remember my mom– I remember I was at home alone, my mom was at work. I was home alone, got bored, you know, got horny, got greedy, as most horny men tend to get. And I remember being like, “Why am I dealing with this dial-up bullshit? “Why don’t I go online, print a picture out? I can J-O to this thing until I’m 30.” I remember having that idea and being like, “Am I the smartest little boy of all time?” It’s like, “I’m on some Doogie Howser shit right now.” I still remember the picture to this day, that’s how much time I put in. I still remember it. It was a beautiful naked woman. She was standing outside, very happy to be outside. She was smiling ear to ear and she was pouring a giant jug of milk on her body. Don’t fucking judge me! I know a judgment silence when I hear one. You guys are– Worst case scenario I got a milk fetish, worst case scenario. If that is the case, guess who’s got some strong-ass bones. This calcium-filled weirdo. But I saw that picture, I was like, “I love this woman. Print.” It was 1996. I was raised by a single mom on a real tight budget so our printer wasn’t the best. It was one of those printers where you hit Print, it’s like… (imitates printer beeping) And then it’d hit that blank spot and be like… (imitates printer clicking) I didn’t give a fuck. I was standing over it like, “Yes, come to life, my queen!” (imitates printer beeping) Then I heard the noise that no 13-year-old boy with a boner wants to hear, that garage door open up. Yeah, ’cause you don’t hear it at first. And then it’s like… (imitates garage door) you’re like, “Fuck! Abort! Abort!” I turned off the computer, rip the paper out of the printer like a fucking government document, turned off the power strip and ran downstairs with awkward 13-year-old-with-a-boner energy. I didn’t know how to hold it, you know? Like, now I’m in my 30s, I know you put it in your pant lining and you walk around like you played football in the ’70s. You’re just like, “Ow, ow, ow, ow.” But 13, I was just like, “Fuck.” My mom immediately walks in and she’s like, “What’s up? Why are you being weird?” I was like this, “I learned a lot in school today.” That was it, you know? My mom hung out. About 10 minutes later, out of nowhere, my mom makes herself a drink and she’s like, “All right, I’m gonna go play Tetris.” Thought nothing of it. I was like, “Go get ’em, Trish. Line that shit up.” Yeah, all I hear is my mom walk into the room with the computer. I hear her put her drink down, then I just hear the click of the power strip, then I hear… (imitates printer starting up) I’m like, “No, I killed you! You’re dead!” It’s like… (imitates printer sound) I’m downstairs having a full-on fucking meltdown. I’m like, “I can’t live here anymore. This lady knows what I’m into.” My mom comes downstairs furious, holding a picture of a naked woman dumping milk all over herself, no forehead, gone. It’s clean off. She just shows me the picture and she just goes, “What the fuck is this?” It’s ’96, Internet is maybe three years old. She showed me that picture, I was like… (exhales) “I think you got a virus.” That’s it. That’s all it took. It’s all it took, there wasn’t one follow-up question. My mom was like, “I’m gonna call Circuit City.” I was like, “Yeah, those fucking perverts!” Guess who dug that picture up out of the trash an hour later like a horny little raccoon? First time I ever told that story, I was in Denver and I didn’t know my mom was in the crowd. And the next day we got lunch and she was like, “You know, I remember that.” And I was like, “What? How do you remember that?” And she’s like, “You don’t forget when you come home from work, “and the son you’re raising by yourself is printing out pornography.” (laughter) I was like, “Yeah, but, you know, I told you it was a virus and you believed it.” And she was like, “Yeah, and I let you believe that I believed it.” (laughter) Which blew me away. I was like, “Why didn’t you just yell at me? Why didn’t you, you know? Why didn’t I get in trouble?” And she’s like, “Do you think I’m gonna yell at a boy “printing out pornography when I’m raising you “without a fatherly figure? You’re gonna end up choking hookers in your 30s.” (laughter) That’s when I realized how great of a mom I had. She let me think I outsmarted her. But it also makes sense why every night before dinner my mom was always like, “Let me guess, you want milk?” (laughter) You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you very much. -(cheers and applause) -Thanks a lot. God bless. See you later, guys. -Thank you. (cheering continues) (“In the Fade” by Queens of the Stone Age plays) Dan: Thank you! (cheering continues) ♪ Just live till you die ♪ ♪ I wanna drown ♪ ♪ With nowhere to fall ♪ ♪ Into the arms of someone ♪ ♪ There’s nothin’ to say that I know ♪ ♪ You live till you die ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Sara Pascoe: LadsLadsLads (2019) – Full Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sara-pascoe-ladsladslads-2019-full-transcript/

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Hello, my name is Sara Pascoe. I never want you to stop clapping. Now, what’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Oh, God, I miss it. Now it’s my turn. Thank you so much for having me. I’m going to tell you the worst thing first, the bad thing. I’m 35 years old. That’s not the bad thing, unless you’re trying to get me pregnant. I’m 35, which is the oldest I’ve ever been, and, look, I’m enjoying ageing. We’re supposed to hate ourselves, but I don’t. I’m really enjoying it. I feel more confident and I know myself better, but what’s been happening is I’ve started remembering things – memories from adolescence, things I’ve completely forgotten – they’re dropping back into my brain fully formed and I remember something about a year and a half ago. I’m going to tell you this as the first thing cos it’s going to make you not like me and then I’m going to try and win you back. Doesn’t always work! So basically what I’d forgotten, but then I remembered… So when I was 18, I didn’t have very much money, but I did have a best friend called Shelley and she didn’t have very much money, either, so what we would do, we went to parties, we had a system whereby Shelley would give somebody a blow job in exchange for a gram of cocaine… ..which we would then both take! And I had completely forgotten about this and, looking back, I cannot believe that I did that. It is such an unethical drug. It ruins lives all over the world. Also, obviously, of course, I don’t think that that was an appropriate system. I don’t think that system is OK, but when I was 18, I felt very grown up and autonomous and I thought that I could make my own decisions and so could Shelley and now I’m 35, I feel incredibly protective over teenage girls. They’re so young, it’s such a formative stage. I look back and I see I was a terrible friend. I never told her to do that, but I also never told her not to so I started to feel really guilty and I wanted to apologise to Shelley, but we’re not really in touch any more because people don’t tend to invite their pimp to their wedding. So I had to kind of write her a message and the beginning of the message was what I’ve just said to you. “Oh, I’ve forgotten, “but then I remembered how when we used to go to parties, “you’d give oral sex in exchange for narcotics and, looking back, “I should have dissuaded you “or suggested we got part-time work “and I feel really sorry about this now,” and I said, “Shelley, I hope wherever you are in your life, you’re really happy,” and then I sat back and I waited for her to reply to me cos I thought she would say it was fine and then I could feel better and I was waiting and waiting and she was not replying so I started to get paranoid, like, “Maybe she does hate me now,” and then I checked back about a week later and she’d deleted it off her wall. So there’s just no way of knowing. And I feel really bad about this and the thing is, this is the thing, this is the point I’m trying to make – I want to be a good person. I want to be on the right team, I want to be one of the good guys, but the more I think about anything, the more complicated it becomes in terms of knowing whether you’re a good person or not and also the terms “bad” and “good”, they’re subjective. They mean different things to different people. Most people agree Stalin, “Oh, very bad,” but if you were a gulag maker… ..you’d be into him. Oh, Mother Theresa, most people agree, “Oh, very good.” If you were Princess Diana, bitch is your competition so… So, like, all the recent stuff with Brexit, I find it so confusing because the whole thing with Europe, like, it seems like there’s sensible arguments on both sides and I don’t think we talk enough about that now. I don’t really understand it. Everyone I know from comedy’s really intelligent and they know their own minds and half of my friends, they’re all talking about how the EU are creating our laws and we hadn’t elected them and that’s undemocratic and then the other half are saying, “But if we actually leave, “our economy is going to get even weaker, “the vulnerable in society will become even more vulnerable,” and I’m thinking, “How can you be making a decision “between the economy and democracy?” It’s like they said to us all, “Guys, your house is on fire, “but if you put it out, gravity will stop working.” Good luck! What?! The whole thing feels like a game of Would You Rather. You know when you were little, you would go to sleepovers and play this game called Would You Rather, but it was always two things you didn’t want. You just had to choose which one you didn’t want the least. “Would you rather have massive hands “but they’re not attached to your body “or tiny hands but they’re strangling you? “Oh, and, by the way, one of them means you’re racist.” What?! It’s too hard. Why are you asking us? And another thing where the right and wrong is unclear to me, sometimes it can be… Basically, Uber. Now, most of you will know what Uber is, but just in case you don’t, it’s a taxi but with judgment. Oh, you get a review at the end. I’ve only got four stars on Uber. I’ve lost one and I don’t know how, but I sat there quietly, I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant, which is more than I can say for you, Nicolai. But they have a really aggressive business model. Lots of these companies do now and so it’s that thing of the short term vs the long term. In the long term, basically, they under-price taxi drivers and cab drivers in this country. Uber don’t pay tax here. In the long run, Uber is terrible for everyone, but in the short term, it’s brilliant for the individual because it is cheaper and also it’s marketed, especially at women, to make us feel safer – the fact that more people are getting cabs home, the fact the driver comes to where you’re standing cos of the phone signal and then they put a little picture of the Uber driver on there to kind of reassure you about who’s coming to pick you up and the Uber drivers, as a funny prank, have taken the scariest photographs that they can. There must be a competition in the office. They’re always on their phone from below with eyes like they hate you and you’re only ever asking for one because you’re scared cos it’s half-two in the morning and you’re pissed and you’re thinking, “Oh, no, it’s really very dodgy round here. I’m going to be a sensible lady and get myself an Uber,” and then you press it and it goes, “Arnab’s on his way.” “Shit.” Cos this guy’s definitely coming to kill me. And you can see where he is cos there’s a little map. You can see him in his tiny car. He’s only a minute away, he’s just turning around from the knife shop. You know you’ve only got 60 seconds to get out of there. So you’re fretting, like, “Oh, no, what shall I do? “Shall I flag down a stranger’s car and ask him to rescue me? “What if that guy is a murderer? “At least with Arnab, there’s a paper trail. “If I go missing, he’ll be the first person they’ll check with. “I better wait.” And by then, he’s arrived and then to check that it’s him, because of the angle he’s taken the photo at, to check that it’s him, you have to bend down and look upwards. You had to kind of get in the passenger side footwell. “Arnab?” And often, by then, it’s too late. I’m being very naughty. I shouldn’t be scaremongering about Uber. I only actually know one person who says that they were murdered by an Uber driver. That was my sister and she’s lied about this kind of thing before. No, this sounds like it’s bad on her. Everyone in my family, we’re all liars. We’re the worst kind of liar cos we really believe ourselves and we never, ever admit that something’s not true, no matter what evidence you have. So I’ll give you an example and to be fair to them, I’ll give you a me example cos they’re angry with me with how much I talk about them. “Rub that bit out!” So, to be fair to them, I’ll give you a me example. About 14 years ago, 15, maybe, at Christmas time, I had too much to drink and I was very emotionally involved with an EastEnders storyline and I told my sister that I was her real mum. She still doesn’t know that I’m not and I’ll never let her find out and I’m only 18 months older than her so I’ve had to tell quite a lot of other lies to make it seem believable. Now, the one place that I will not lie is in my relationship because I’ve found that the truth hurts more. My entire relationship is built on beautiful honesty, apart from there’s one lie that I told him, but it was accidental. So when we first got together, I told him that before we’d met, I had joined the Mile High Club because I thought that I had. Back story – I watched a film when I was about eight and a character in that film mentioned the Mile High Club. Now, at the time, I was in the Burger King Kids Club. That was working out brilliantly and I was keen to join more clubs and so my ears pricked up at this mention and I didn’t even watch the end of the film, I just ran through my house looking for an adult that I could ask about it. The first one I find was my Uncle Trevor. Now, looking back, I don’t know why he was in my house. I’m really suspicious about it, but it’s, like, too late to do anything about it now, like, “Repress it! “Stop thinking about it! Why didn’t he have a shirt on? I don’t know! “I don’t know!” Everyone’s divorced now, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter. So, Uncle Trevor, I was like, “Oh, Uncle Trevor, Uncle Trevor, “how does one get membership to this Mile High Club?” And he was obviously a little bit thrown cos he thought about it for a second and he was like, “Oh… “Oh, yeah, that’s when you’re on an aeroplane “and you go to the toilet for a long time.” Yes, so I thought it was doing a poo on an aeroplane and no-one disabused me of that notion for 25 years, which means that every time I’ve been asked in my life, which is probably about seven or eight times, “Oh, Sara, have you joined the Mile High Club?” I’ve always answered in the same way by going, “Yes, every time I fly! “I think it’s the nerves!” I’m going to say something in about 30 seconds and it’s, erm, sexist. I’m about to say something that’s quite sexist, but you have to understand that I know that it’s sexist so it’s OK cos that is the system. So, I earn more money than my boyfriend does, which is fine, and that means that I have to pay for everything that we do, which I don’t mind and he’s all right with it, but in the olden days, in the ’80s, there used to be this system where, like, a man would buy dinner and a woman would put out. Now, I’m not saying that I agree with that. The idea that a woman is economically dependent on a man is disgusting. The idea that a man expects sex just because he’s paid is awful, but what is worse is that it doesn’t work the other way round. Well, what I’ve found is if it is the woman that’s paid for dinner and the weekly shop and the electricity bill, oh, then he never puts out because apparently you’ve emasculated him by asking for a thank-you dance. Double standards! It’s not fair and so this is true, I don’t think me and my boyfriend have enough sex. He says that me talking about it on stage is not helping. 1-0. And so I’m trying to… I’m trying to spice things up. I’m trying to seduce him, that’s what I want to do. What I do when I’m in the mood for lovemaking, I want to try and entice him, I shave my entire body – head to toe. No, it’s too high! This is seduction, not a ’90s pop star breakdown. I shave from my chin down to my big toe and then, in order to let him know in a subtle way, I don’t rinse the bath. Yeah! He knows what I’m saying! Erm, if you are sitting there thinking, “Wow, that woman just told us a really gross thing about herself,” wait till you hear this next thing. At Christmas, we got presents for each other. I don’t know why I’m explaining. “You know, Christmas presents…” “Ever heard of Christmas presents?” Well, we did it one year. We’re crazy. Now, he opened my present first. I had bought us a holiday to Barbados and it was all-inclusive and I’d never been on that kind of holiday before, I’d never spent that kind of money before and I was thrilled to give it to him and then he gave me my present and I opened it and it was an electric toothbrush. Hmm. And then there was this tension in the house, like I could tell that he was sadder than usual during the gratitude boogie. I waited for him to finish and then I was like, “Oh, are you all right?” And he was like, “No, I’m really embarrassed “about the discrepancy in our presents. “Just please promise me you’ll never tell anyone about this.” But I am telling anyone and the reason is I thought about it and my initial response was wrong. So you think my present is a better or bigger present cos it’s more expensive, but, no, a holiday, that is a finite thing. Seven days, even if they are amazing days, seven days – done, gone forever. An electric toothbrush, that is something that I use every single day to masturbate. Guys! It’s a great present! I don’t use it as a toothbrush any more. I’m not disgusting. I just don’t brush my teeth. I don’t need to, I’m too happy. I’m happy all of the time. I’m telling you all my secrets. Another thing, I went away for about a month. About nine months ago, for a month, I went away for work. When I came back, my boyfriend had got my life insured. Oh, yeah, he’d taken out a life insurance policy on me and he’s behaving like this is a normal thing people do in relationships, like it’s a stage that you get to. “Oh, Sara, how’s it going with John?” I’m like, “Oh, yes, pretty good, very serious. “We’re at that bit where you make sure you financially benefit “if the other one dies.” I want him to cancel it. Also, I don’t think I need it. I can’t… I just don’t think I’m going to die. It just doesn’t feel like the kind of thing I’d do. It’s a waste of money, I want him to cancel this direct debit. “Stop it, it’s creepy,” and he’s, like, being all defensive, like, “No, Sara, think about it – if something was to happen to you, “I wouldn’t be able to afford the mortgage on my own,” right, which does sound sensible. Callous, but sensible, until I tell you that we don’t own a property. We rent a flat like everybody else. That mortgage is something he’s getting later on with his winnings if something was to happen to me, but this is the thing about falling in love, which is something that obviously every single person does. We fall in love. We don’t wait until we know everything about someone and then decide, “That’s it, you deserve my heart.” No, you learn a few things about someone and then you fall in love and then you continue to learn new things and some of those things are great. They’re like cute faces and funny noises and… Oh, look, my boyfriend, he collects Nectar points like it’s a computer game, like deadly serious, and he never spends them cos he thinks that Nectar points can outlast sterling as currency, which might not be mad, but other of the things that you find out are just like, “Oh, no! It’s too late, I love you now!” My boyfriend doesn’t like dogs. AUDIENCE: – Ohhh… Thank you for that appropriate reaction. He doesn’t like dogs, I found out about eight months in. He doesn’t think that they’re handsome or want to pet them and won’t let me get one. My ambition my entire life has just been to work really, really hard, make enough money to give a dog an incredible life and that would be a life well lived and now, essentially, I am waiting for him to die. Obviously, it will be sad. It is going to be a really sad day. “Oh, no, the love of my life has drowned. Oh, gosh, this is…” But it’s bittersweet, like… “I can get a dog now.” So what I’m trying to say is I do understand the life insurance thing, I get it, it’s just that money is his dogs. So what we’re doing at the moment – and I find this kind of embarrassing to talk about – me and my boyfriend are currently, or have been for a while, trying to make a baby, get pregnant. Now, I hate all of the language around this. Essentially, all it means you’re having sex without a condom on, like it’s the ’90s, but we’ve been trying for about 2½ years, which is quite a long time. It turns out that getting pregnant is a lot like learning a language in that it is much easier when you are a child. When I was 15, I was pregnant all the time. I was the girl you heard about in rumours. I got pregnant from a toilet seat. I got pregnant from borrowing a boy’s towel and now it’s so much more difficult and there’s all this stuff that you’re supposed to do if you’re trying to get pregnant. If you’re the woman, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol. If you’re a woman over 30 who normally drinks every day and you turn up to see your friends and be like, “Oh, no, I’m not drinking tonight,” they assume you’re already pregnant. It’s going to be awkward in three months – everyone’s giving you knowing glances and stretchy trousers. It’s so much easier just to go straight in, have a sambuca, no conversation. Also, you’re not supposed to drink caffeine. You’re not allowed to have coffee. How am I going to get pregnant if I’m angry or asleep? And I’ve had to buy all of these ovulation testing kits and they look like pregnancy tests. They cost nine quid each, they’re so expensive and it looks like a pregnancy test. You take the lid off to wake it up and then it has a little screen in its belly, which then flashes up a picture of itself, like, “I can get myself pregnant. “What’s your problem?” Then you have to wee on it, which is hard when something’s that expensive. You have to wee on it and also for ages, like, much longer than you think – like, 13 minutes. You wee on it and then you put the lid back on. It’s supposed to think for two minutes and then come up with where you are in your ovulatory cycle so you don’t waste the one sex you have a month and all that happens when I’ve done it is it just comes up with a picture of a book, which means that I’ve done it wrong and I need to reread the instructions, and then I break it cos I’m angry and I’m sitting there holding broken bits of plastic, hands covered in my own piss, no trousers on, thinking, “Could I really keep another human alive?” And I have an espresso Martini to cheer myself up. So I’ve got this fun thing. I’ve got polycystic ovaries or PCOS and that’s very, very common and lots of women have it. What is means is that your ovaries make an egg and then rather than going anywhere, just forms a cyst to decorate you beautifully. What this means is you have a higher than you should have level of testosterone in your system, which does mean that you have an increased sex drive, but it also means that no-one will have sex with you because of your fine beard and moustache. Nature is amazing! And this is the thing – the longer you go without having children, the older you get, the more people start to ask you about it and I’m aware they always mean really well. It comes from a really good place. My younger sisters and my friends are having kids. They’re all having this wonderful time, they don’t want anyone to miss out on this experience, but my problem with that is the experience they are having is subjective. It’s personal to them. I have had my own wonderful personal subjective experiences, like I’ve been on QI. I have never, ever said to anybody, like, “Oh, have you been on QI? “Awww! “You should go on QI! “No, I didn’t think that I wanted to be on QI until I was ON QI “and then it was like I looked back “and my entire life had been leading up to me being on QI. “When I saw Stephen Fry’s face for the first time, “I was filled with so much love. “Yes, it’s very tiring being on QI, “but it’s so worth it and I just wouldn’t want you “to leave it too late and they’ll have stopped making it.” This is the thing, it’s true – me and my boyfriend, we have sex about once a month and I would like to have more of it and what I blame it on, I blame it on pornography. I think it’s because pornography exists and I can’t compete with it. Now, he denies this, but he has a lockable study and in there, there’s a computer where he could put in a couple of search terms and then he can watch all of these men and women enthusiastically pretending to like doing stuff that I’m not going to pretend to like doing and I’m not going to do. I don’t like doing anything. I like having three things done to me very gently while I lie there. That’s my sex style. I’m saying that to all of you, I’m warning you in case any of us ever get together. That’s open to people of all genders. I’m trying to have more sex with women since I found out lesbians are very good at the three things I like. Oh, the thing is with pornography, I think when you start going out with someone, this is how I’m going to solve it – when you start going out with someone, you should be able to scan your picture into their computer and then whenever they look at pornography, as is their right, all of the banner ads have got your face on them. Fun! We could customise them, like, “Women waiting for you to put the bins out in your area!” Fun! This is such a hack observation, it’s been made so many times, but I do think gay people are having much better quality sex than straight people and it makes sense to me because I just think that they understand the machinery, the mechanics a lot more. I think a lot of the reason that I’ll be with my boyfriend until the end of his life in a horrible drowning accident… I’m just covered with dogs! I think a lot of the reason is I can’t be bothered to train a new man not to hurt me. You know when you’ve fancied someone for weeks and months and you feel electric and alert and incredible around them and then you finally get to go to bed with them and it should be so great and it’s… Ow! Ow! Ow! Who was your ex-girlfriend, a hole that you dug? Just be careful! We’re so precious, just be careful. I know now it sounds like I’m kind of ragging on straight men. I’m not. Of course it works both ways. I give a terrible hand job. Oh, so bad. I’ve been ashamed my entire life of the quality and I realise it’s a form of empathy failure and I realise this because my friend, she’s so clever and she was talking about misogyny, misogynists, and she said something so succinct. She was like, “Oh, Sara, “the problem with misogynists is they treat women “like we’re broken men, “as if our differences mean we’re flawed “or we’re less good in some way.” I was like, “That’s it, that’s everything. You’ve just described it so perfectly.” And then I realised I’ve been doing the same thing the opposite way round. My entire life, I’ve been treating men like they’re just very, very aggressive women and that if I can be calm around them and just move slowly, then maybe one day they’ll heal. What this means is when I touch a man’s body in a sexual way, I touch him how I like to be touched and I do not believe him when he says that that is not enjoyable. So this means that my technique for a hand job… I’ll show you. I’ll just show you! And then I just do some round-and-rounds. And then I just blow it some kisses from a distance. And they hate it. They’re like yelling out at me, like, “Grip it! “Grip it and move it up and down!” “I don’t want to! “I don’t want to make this situation any worse. “It already looks angry.” I’ve got a tattoo. I’m not changing the subject. I’ve got a tattoo that I keep hidden all of the time, but I will show to you. This tattoo ages me more than anything that will ever happen to my face. I have got a Japanese symbol on the bottom of my spine. That means I was alive when the Spice Girls came out and I was excited. Now, I keep it covered at all times and it’s not cos I’m ashamed of it, but because if anyone ever sees it, they go, “What’s your tramp stamp mean?” Cos apparently we’ve started calling them tramp stamps and I don’t know what kind of tramp that’s referring to, if it’s a loose woman or a vagrant man. Either way, it’s a compliment, but it’s a difficult question to answer so I just say that it means “fuck me harder” in Japanese. It saves me a lot of time when I’m over there! I’ve never been. I really want to go to Japan and I’ll tell you why. I was researching on the internet about how our different cultures respect female genitals because I can, I’ve got nothing to do in the day, and I found out about a nightclub, there’s only one like this in the world, it’s in Japan, and it’s on two floors and women get in for free if they go into the top floor if they’re wearing a skirt with no underwear because the dance floor’s see-through. It’s made of glass and men pay a huge amount of money to go to the floor underneath, where they buy overpriced drinks and sip them, looking upwards at women on the dance floor. Now, I was describing this the next day to my friend cos I thought I was going to get some material out of this. I was planning to do a routine about how maybe women don’t want to rise above the glass ceiling if we have to dance with our fannies out. Yeah, so I thought I could do this feminist light-hearted thing so I was describing it to my friend and I didn’t even get through it cos she kind of covered her eyes and was like… And I was like, “Oh, no, no, don’t get upset, don’t get angry. “I can’t work out if the men who go there… “I don’t know if they are disgusting creeps, “but maybe there could be something beautiful going on “cos they are, after all, just admiring the female form,” and then she was like, “Oh, no, that isn’t even what I was thinking. “I was just thinking that you could not do that the other way round “cos you’d keep thinking people were waving at you.” And now that’s what I think about whenever I’m sad. Whenever I need cheering up… You know, you’re a Western world person. You don’t have any right to be sad about anything, ever. I just imagine that I look upwards and there’s an entire dance floor full of men and they’ve got no trousers or pants on and they’re just dancing. They’re just really going for it to Taylor Swift – Shake It Off and I’m just waving, just waving back at them. “The world is full of pain and death is meaningless, “but it’s all going to be OK. How do we know? “Because Sara Pascoe told us “just before we gave her a big round of applause.” CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHE MOUTHS Thank you so much for having me. Good night, bye-bye! Thank you so much, bye-bye!