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Kate Berlant: Cinnamon in the Wind (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kate-berlant-cinnamon-in-the-wind-transcript/

Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who to watch. Is that the comedian, or is that the, uh, the mic stand?” So… So, the cameras. Big night for me. Yeah, really big. So there’s a camera, there’s a camera. Huh! You know, they’re everywhere. They can see you. We can see them. It’s an inherently false, um, moment, right? It’s a little bit scary. They’re… they’re filming. They’re not actually filming. They are, but it’s… Is it… is the camera inherently misogynist? Yes, right, so… Am I… Am I… Do I feel attacked? Yeah. Right, it’s very… Even the language. You know, “We’re shooting her. We shot her.” “We got her. We have her.” Right, it’s a… You know, I feel… Is it scary? Yeah, you know… Is what I do brave? Yeah, you know… It absolutely is. But I was, of course, forced into comedy at a very young age just because of my bone structure. But I did… I chose to stay in it for this, the directness. Right? And I can reach out and I can actually… I’m changing lives, and she’s crying. She’s crying. It’s me, sweetie. You can touch, yeah, yeah. Very sweet. No, that was very sweet. That was very sweet. She was looking up at me, and she was like, “Uh! I grew up with you in my home. “How can… Am I in my living room? What’s going on?” And her friend was like, “Go for it, babe.” And she was like, “Okay, if you say so.” It was very sweet. So, yeah. So it’s… great moment to have up top. Unprecedented, I would argue, to have such a direct physical connection with the audience, aside from the emotional one that I’m fostering already, and we’re what, minute… Who cares? I’m not counting. You are, yeah. But… Out of breath from the physical comedy I did, so right now… I do… One thing about me that is essential is that I do comedy primarily to process the overwhelming privilege of my childhood, um… adolescence and now adulthood, right? If you can imagine growing up almost collapsing under the weight of resources. Right? Almost so many, right, that your gait is affected, right? If you can imagine my parents, you know, so loving. “You’re so special. We love you.” Right? They’re actually not divorced, right? All of that, and somehow, with all of that weighing you down, just finding the strength to get to Zara. Just somehow… Whoa! And sometimes Zara’s closed, I’ll be honest. This is actually my first time not performing for kids. Um… I usually do my… My sort of my… My bracket is two to four. That’s really where I thrive. And, you know, I do a lot of stuff kind of… ♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday ♪ ♪ Where are my boots? ♪ You know, and then I… The boots are gone, and then we do a scavenger hunt for the boots, and it’s really fun, but tonight, I… I was like, no, no, no. I want to do adults. You know, I want to do… I want to go verbal. I want to do the adult stuff. It’s really hard to have absolutely no comedic influences whatsoever. Um… Well, I would say my influences are pottery, um, just engagement with the raw materiality of the earth, and… small batch granola. I think just batches of granola that are made in such small quantities they actively resist capitalism. I think that’s it. Uh, and Carlin, yeah. I know I ooze an East Coast intellectualism, but I’m actually from Los Angeles, right here. Um, is anyone else born and raised in L. A.? I’m the only one! So… it’s weird to be the only one, but it’s such an incredible… You know, and people say, oh, you know, “Hollywood. It’s a paper town filled with paper people.” You know, but it’s so real, I actually think. People… if you were from here, you’d know that what we do with our families is we go out to the docks every morning, ’cause it really is an import… No, it’s an import-export town. So you’ll see families at dawn, and we watch the barrels of the imports come in and the exports leave, right? And that kind of creates this beautiful choreography of commerce, and it’s really exciting, and I cry every time that I see it. So it’s emotional. But, yeah, I love it here. It’s… it’s beautiful. I often walk around and, like, it’s so lush I feel like I’m in Mexico, and then I’m like, “You are. It’s a false border.” Right? So, yeah, yeah. Hope there are no cops here. I like that. This could be good. And then it… But it would really be subversive if I took this all the way into the street, and then you were still here and never knew… “She’s in San Diego. She just crossed the line into Pomona City.” I don’t know about various cities. Um… Yeah, because, maps, no. I won’t… It always terrifies me when you see people going to the map store. “Map for one!” You know, and they bring it… They… “This is what we worship in this house.” Right. It’s like, who made your maps? Right? Who’s benefiting off that system? Dead silence. No one cares, so… And that’s what I’m doing here. I’ve actually been sent here by the government. To shine a flashlight in those dark corners of culture and go, “Who made your maps? You don’t know, right? Well, now you’re gonna know.” But I… But then, of course, the deep terror: I don’t know either. Yeah, I don’t even know what day it is. I don’t… Ask me what day it is. – What day it is? – Don’t know! I’m an artist, okay. I’m more pulled by the tides. It is sometimes, I’ll admit it, hard being the only artist in the room. Um… Sorry, the only true artist in the room. I am controlling the laughter tonight also. Just, you know, know that, so, yeah, shh. Ha ha ha. You know. A little less here and then… Okay. You were late, whoever that was, you were late. Okay. Mm. Two weeks till regionals. We’re screwed! Yeah. Yeah. “We don’t wanna practice.” Well, it’s gonna be a lot of sad faces in the parking lot after the tournament. That’s all I’m gonna say. Wow. Hmm. Thank you for… for this. For giving me a safe place to heal tonight, for… My work is, of course, endurance-based. It’s kind of about you enduring me. So this very… Yeah, it just means a lot. I am psychic, so, uh, is your name, like… Christine? Okay, it’s fine. Um… Hmm. It’s fine. It’s fine. Is there a Christine over here? Just ’cause sometimes the energy does a direct transfer. Is there a Christine in this area at all? Christine-less. Wow. Well, it’s bad luck. Corporate’s not gonna like that. No. Yeah, I think the mirror, you know, it’s just so interesting to perform in front of a mirror when I am a mirror for you. Right? For your fears, desires, anxieties, right? So… And you’re also my mirror as the audience. You know, I look at you and I’m like, “I am the messiah.” You know, it’s very… Or a messiah figure, I should say, but it’s… so there’s a lot going on here. There’s actually… There’s actually three mirrors in the room. You’ll get it in a week. Call me. Okay. No, but the mirror, of course, also is the origin of narrative, film, the building blocks of cinema. Entertainment. The origin of entertainment right here. The first entertainment, of course, the cavewoman, or caveperson, looking in the river. “Who’s that? Ahh!” Delight in one’s image, eh? Spanking the river. Realizing, “Ohh!” And then… and then the ripples. Oh, frames, frames of film, right. So it goes on… Yeah, so it’s… it’s the river, the reflection, and then “Cheers,” that would be next in line. And then me, yeah. That’s the evolution of entertainment. I feel like I’m neglecting this side. We’re… I’m so frontal. I’m so Western. I’m so American. The front, the front, the front. I want to see it all! Right? Instead of kind of not America. Kind of other ways to live, right? Kind of like getting my hair cut at home. Right, things like that that I don’t explore. I’m like, “Oh, boy. A sale?” You know? And it’s like, why? Why couldn’t I go, “Make it at home.” You know, except… But that’s a side neglect. So it’s make it at home, yeah. Okay. I’ll work on it. Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry to try to find something in the moment. I’ll get… I’ll get back to the… the “A” material. Okay, ten years ago, there’s nothing, so… I sort of just for the mo… I kind of wanna… Could I have a spotlight? I just want to really feel what that might be like. In the… for the complete drama. Oh, wow. Can you believe that? How’s this? How’s this? Am I in it? Oh. It’s hard to receive. I’ll be hon… Isn’t that wild? Right now, being in it, feeling it, it’s so… it brings up, “Oh, no.” You know, it does. But I could. I could actually go to that place where I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. Actually, it feels really good. Just, “I don’t know.” You know, it feels good to go there, ’cause so often you have to, “I have the paperwork right here, sir.” You know, but… but inside, I don’t know. I think as women we fear our excellence so intrinsically. We’re taught to fear it so early, so the spotlight to really feel th… I also just wonder, like, in this light, are my features too violently Hassidic, or could I pass for Italian, right? I wonder. I don’t know. I can’t quite tell. Mmm. The makeup. I do… I believe that women have the right to steal cosmetics 100%, by the way. I do want to say. Are you kidding me? We are forced into a system where we have to constantly pay for certain creams, powders, lotions, right? We have to pay for our own subjectivity. And, no, you know, if you don’t… if you don’t have that, then the state won’t recognize you, and you can’t get a job. Right? So… No, I have to contour my nose away to get a bank loan. I’m not… I won’t do it. No, well, this lipstick tonight that I’m wearing actually is called Scarlet Empress, and, yeah, so the violence is truly never-ending, and… it cost $30. If you pay for it, right? But… No, and by the way, I’m not advocating for stealing from small businesses, of course not. I’m talking about large corporations who factor theft into their annual budget, I think, heh. But… but have fun. If you can safely do it, have fun. Okay. Mmm. I was on my way to what I knew would be a disappointing massage… and I realized I… I do think I’ll see a woman become president in my lifetime. I do, and… No, I think it’s cool you’re not clapping, though. I think that’s cool. Um… No, it’s chic, you know. It’s not condescending. You’re not like… “Who run the world? Girls!” No, it’s just very real. You’re like, “No, we… It’s time, and…” we anticipate that.” So… I do think I’ll see it. But… but I will say, I think for America to elect a woman as a president, she’s either gonna have to be so hypersexualized, like pornographically feminized to the point that she wins and immediately is like, “Oh, no! Oh, no!” Gets into the Oval Office, is like dropping stuff. Like, “I’m such a slut. I’m sorry.” I’m sorry.” Or… or she’ll have to be so radically desexualized that she’s truly just a fridge on one wheel with a single eye, like… That’s it! I just… I don’t see America electing just a woman. Just a woman in pants who’s like, “I believe people have the right to live with dignity.” No. I don’t see it. So, yeah, to recap, it’s either hypersexualization or desexualization to the point of being artillery, just so it’s clear. Oh, and I want to be clear. Like, I want the fridge. Like, please, I’m dying for the fridge. I go to museums. Nothing? Okay, and… I’ll just take an afternoon, like absolutely. Oh, mys… Yeah, no, I’ll go and… to get inspired and to meet men, and I’ll… I always feel like I have this direct connection to kind of almost a past self. Like, I’ll look… I always find myself wandering the halls of the… the rococo paintings and the… and the Renaissance, and there’s always this incredible cornucap… I’ll walk you though what happened. I meant to say cornucopia. Co-co-co! And I said ca-ca-ca. “Cornuca… Cornucapia? Never heard of it, Kate. The show’s over, okay?” And that’s… That’s a professional. ‘Cause someone else, “cornucapia,” they’d never notice, uhh! But me… Cor… I… one… one little mistake like that, I’m not kidding, we’ll go from the top. I’ll start this puppy over. I will. Okay, so the museum stuff, I’m gonna do it. You’ll see, it’s not worth it, but, um… I’m doing it! Okay, so sometimes, you’ll be at the museum and I’ll see… I will see these paintings of these sort of beautiful cornucopias, and, uh, there’s a slaughtered rabbit, right, and the orange peel. You know what it’s like. You’re a cultured group. And there’s… There’s always a wench just hovering just over the cornucopia like… It’s me, it’s me. And also, I will say I can very easily become male, kind of look like the, um, the court jester, you know, with the pan flute, like… You know, that’s… I’m eternal… is, I guess, what I’m trying to say. I’m not really the… the girl next-door. I’m the door! I don’t know if anything’s ever happened to anyone here. Um… I don’t want to assume, right, but I will say growing up in my family, we didn’t have wheat. Um… but we had each other. Oh, we had the hope for wheat, so, in a way, it’s almost like we had… Wheat! Love this crowd! Thank you. To feel so bolstered, so supported in that moment was something I haven’t felt in a really long time. Oh, ah! But… I was in here before all of you came, just waxing the floors, getting everything just so. I did found this theater. I founded the theater, and founded theater in general, or… at least am seen as responsible with bringing theater to the West, but… “Jokes Aside,” which is the name of my book, but, oh… I… I was in here alone, and as women we’re socialized against seeing solitude as a space of productivity… Write it down if you have to… And so in doing that, I was like, “That’s activism.” Right, that’s it’s right there. Right, so why even go on stage and do the work? It’s almost redundant. But… While I’m here, can someone just give me an emotion? I want to continue to act. – Anger. – Anger. Anger I think for me is really just… Can I have… Can I have another? We’re not done. Can I have another? – Acting nervous. – Fear. Oh, whoa. Fear. Well… One more, ’cause you’re begging for it. – One more. – Thrill. Thrill. No, I like that, thrill. Thrill is really just in the most simple form… Right? Because we actually hide what we feel. We don’t show what we’re feeling, right? An amateur would get up here and say, “Oh, fear? Oh, no!” Right? But no. When you’re actually afraid, you’re like, “I’m not scared,” you know. “Don’t… don’t let him see.” Right? So that’s… that’s what that is. Cool. Whew. A lot came up for that. That was actually good. I could actually feel myself locking in there. Somatically, I was like, “This is acting.” So… that was absolutely helpful. While I’m in the spotlight, hit the track. Can you imagine? There’s nothing, but… I wish. Give me a couple years. No more spotlight! Okay, I’m over it, actually. Can we get out? Thank you. I could call back, but… Oh, they want more? Whatever they need. Whatever the camera needs, right? Oh. Cameras, cameras, everywhere. Cameras, cameras, don’t you dare. You see me, but I see you. You say yes, I and say… Ugh, couldn’t rhyme. I’m just checking in. I love you. Okay, great. It is helpful just to have that anchor. To have an anchor. Here, I would almost just almost end the sentence there. To have an anchor. Wow. Only because I’m really feeling it, did someone… yeah. Okay, did someone over here recently move? And I’m seeing Wisconsin. I’m real… Wisconsin’s being highlighted. Is anyone in this area from Wisconsin or have any relationship to it? Wisconsin! Okay, um… Michigan. Did anyone here move recently? By the way, I’m fine. I need you, I need you, I need you. Relax. I need you supine. I need you trusting. Okay? I do this at the boardwalk every Sunday, okay? I’m fine. Now back to Wisconsin. No, that’s fine. It’s… It might be somewhere else. It’s called an energy flare. Oh, Wisconsin? Oh, thank you, great. Thank you so much. See? So, I’m right. Yeah. You recently moved? Yeah, silent. I like that, okay. I’m seeing an injury. Not like I… It’s… It’s healed. But did someone here have like a left… Is it their left angle… ankle. Left angle? Cool, we’re going from the top! I’m not kidding! I said angle instead of ankle. Unprofession… Oh, my God! That’s radical. See, this actually looks like a plant. This is actually… No, this is unfortunate, ’cause this looks fake. I’ll only ask this. Is it your left side? Yeah. I can do more of like a… Of a clear landing just for… Yeah, good. God, it feels good. First of all, I’m sorry. Hey, hey, hey. Your h… It goes your health, my show. Yeah. Is it… is it a… is it a break? – It’s a sprain. – A sprain. And it is my ankle. Yeah, so ooh! Oh, you didn’t think I was really psychic, huh? Left ankle sprain. Was it… I’m getting the sense that it was not sports-related. Um, it… it was, but… Well, I mean, it always is, like in the sense that you are in sport, that your body is in motion, but, yeah. I’m not a sporty person, so… Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you… What were you playing? I was in a spin class. Let this be a lesson. They will take your money… they will ruin your family and your reputation, and they’ll send you on your way. Were you downtown? I was in Eagle Rock. So, yeah. I’ve always said, like, downtown is up here. You know? Like, you’ll notice right now I’m downtown. I’m downtown. And for me, even when I’m uptown… Oh, no, no! Oh… Whoa, I almost tripped, and no one came to help, whoa! That actually was scary. There was a quick moment, and then… and not… To not even feel a hand come up. “Let me help you. You’re just here to… “You’re just trying to make me laugh. “Let me help you if you fall.” Right? But instead, “Work, work, work!” I guess I am alone up here. It’s good… No. Thank you for reminding me. Very good, very good. The wire, of course, kind of representing media, I think. The way it’s snaking around me. The way media literally cannibalizes the female form. Right, you’ll notice how it’s snaking around. ” Sure, tell your story… – but on my terms.” You know, it’s very… Yeah. Oh, yeah. 40 minutes right here. Can you believe this doesn’t affect the sound? Can you believe that? This really is… This is engineering. This is… this is why we go to war is to protect this. I want to fight for this. I want to fight for my country with this, okay. Back to the ankle injury. Is your name Rachel? No. Can you imagine that? I would’ve been, “Whoo!” Do you have… a dog. No, I want a dog, though. That’s what I’m picking up on, the urge. Last thing I’ll say or not, it’s my show. Um… Do you have… I’m seeing sisters. Do you have sisters? I have a younger sister. Yeah, so you’re the second sister. So I’m seeing sisters, and it’s you. You have… It’s you and your younger sister. I’m actually an only child. Go ahead, laugh. You’ve got one. Never seen one up close, huh? Go ahead. For those of you who don’t know, an only child is somebody with no brothers, and you guessed it, no sisters. It used to make me sad as a child, but now I realize it’s actually a gift, because I don’t have to live under the crushing weight of the sexual tension that I know exists among all siblings, yeah. That’s what I like when see people full, “Oh, God, the truth!” They’re crossing in. That’s what I like to see. And by the way, that’s okay. You’re normal, okay? Any institution that’s like, “Sex doesn’t exist here,” it’s ’cause it does. And I’ll just say, like if I had a brother, forget about it, okay? Forget… about… it. Cannot imagine. Sneaking a glimpse of him in his boxers at dawn, like… Before school. Heh! Long family car trips, no one else to talk to. Fall in love like that, okay? It’s easy. It’s easy. Getting picked up, being like, “Oh, Josh, put me down! “Stop! “Ugh! You ripped my shirt. Yeah, I need yours. What else am I gonna wear to Easter brunch?” “Mom and Dad aren’t gonna be home for like an hour. “Just give me your shirt. Ugh!” I’m jealous. My, bring up some stuff… And by the way, if you’re uncomfortable, if you feel that, know that that’s for a reason, right? That’s why… that’s why they won’t air this show live. They won’t stream this on the radio right now. And why do you think? ‘Cause people will be driving. “Oh, here’s my light.” They hear my voice. “I have a choice in life?” Veer off the road. A lot’s at risk. Heh! There are cameras, but also… there are cameras. They’re watching. I am always pretty sure I’m being surveilled in bathrooms, so I will just be like, “I know!” It helps, ’cause I want the person surveilling me to be like, “She sees!” You know, I want… I want to feel that. I want to feel it. I want to feel that. If that… it that’s a crime, then take me back to the bishop’s ranch. Ohh! I want to go back to the bishop’s ranch. Huge theme emerging about the bishop’s ranch. Um… Incredible to feel that, and then touch it with that authentically and to know that’s where I belong. It’s something that I couldn’t have planned, and that’s why I’m so excited to actually present to you, we have the bishop. Come on out! Yeah. In editing, that’ll be… huge. ‘Cause we’re gonna CGI the bishop, and “Oh, my God!” The people at home? “Oh-ho-ho!” Yeah. Sorry. I want money, okay? And people love the bishop. Okay, okay! Wrap it up. Okay. Ohh! I’ll say therapy, get in it now, you know? Is my therapist here? Christina? ‘Cause you never know. Okay, wow. So you’re not curious what I do. Yeah, I was just like, okay, okay. When people say they’re not in therapy, I’m like… you can’t do karaoke forever. You know, you have to… Oh, no. Your friends and family see what karaoke has become for you. So… Uh, sex. Um… I don’t know. I’m not convinced. I’d say. Like, does it even have the power to transform the day? I don’t know. I just… Not to brag, but I probably had the best sex of my life recently, and like an hour and a half later I was furious at Bank of America. Like I don’t… Even the day, you know, couldn’t be changed, so… And I also, I do not appreciate the myth brutally propagated by media that sex is the one time in your life where you’re able to finally shed the prison of your personality. That that’s when your mask finally drops. I find that during sex my mask has never been tighter. Like it’s absolutely… And trust me, I’ve tried to like… You know? You know, I’ve tried, but it’s never so much as slipped. I mean, it’s really… Ugh. I actually think that the only time that we’re truly released from the prison of our personality, the only time that our mask actually drops, is when we barf. I really think that’s it. ‘Cause just the rawness, the animalism, that’s the only time in your life when your… your taste in art, your funny outgoing voicemail, right, your grant money, is irrelevant. It’s not there. It’s just about that. It’s also the only time in modern life when you aren’t being advertised to. That’s it. And trust me, they’ll find a way. Oh, they’ll get in there. They’ll get in your toilet if they have to. Hmm. Oh, I love your laughs. Ohh, I love this moment! Ohh! Really, though, when I hear… I hear kids. I hear little kids going, “Where’s my dad?” Right, I mean… Really, though. Sometimes I’m up here and I’m like, “Where are our dads?” Like, this is crazy. Did you know that you’re born with your eggs? I’ll go back. If you’re… If you’re someone who has eggs, you’re born with them. It’s not like they developed during puberty. Can anyone confirm? This really blew my mind. Yeah. So what does this mean? This means that your mother, the day she was born, you were already inside her. The potential for you was already there. Can you go that far? Yeah. Crying, crying, crying, crying, crying. Okay. So, what I’m trying to say is, we’ve all been marinating in our mother’s rage since the day she was born, and then her mother’s rage, and her mother, her mother, on and on, okay? We’re all stewing in the rage of all the women who’ve come before us. It’s an intergenerational tajine of rage. And it’s deserved, I want to say that, but it’s been very helpful for me because I’ll be going about my day, everything’s fine, and then out of nowhere I’m like, “I’m gonna break glass,” you know? And I… I’m like, where does that anger come from? It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, and it’s been very helpful to be like, it’s actually maybe not mine. It’s my grandmother in Spain, like, “Aah!” You know, that’s… That’s who it belongs to. So release. Release thyself. And, you know, honor it, but push through. I actually don’t have kids yet, but my daughter right now is like, “Mom, what are you doing up there? I can feel it.” “Love you, sweetie. Maybe we’ll watch this together one day with Dad.” You probably have read in the news that I’ve been tucking in my blouses more. Sss… And it does feel good. It makes me feel very together. Like I tuck in, and immediately I really do feel like I have children, like I just completely… I feel effective. I’m like, yes, absolutely, right here. I have everything I need. Immediately leaving the house with the blouse tucked in, I’m like there’s all these kids that are like, “Okay, come on. We gotta go. “We gotta go. We’re gonna get in the car. “Can you tell me in the car? Can you tell me in the car? “Okay, great. Yeah?” It’s my husband. “Uh… okay. I could’ve used that information earlier, I’ll be honest, yeah.” “How can I do that now? Uh, I’m just really asking. How can I do that now?” “No, no, I asked you, and… and I remember “’cause I asked you yesterday. “No, I know that you said no, but now you’re saying yes. “Okay, yeah, okay. “Okay, say bye to Daddy. Say bye to Daddy. “Yeah. Oh, hi. Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later. Bye.” That’s the woman who lives next-door who I feel more connected to than my own husband. All of that, all of that with just imagination. Can you believe it? I want you out of your seats. Okay. I have no texts. Not possible, actually. Uh-oh. Remember her? You know what that means. Yeah. We’re in the final quadrant of the show. Isn’t that heartbreaking? Mm. Oh! I’m actually a huge gear nerd, so I usually bring my own mic, ’cause I love to be like… It’s good! We’re set. We’re set. Okay. Life, like this show, is cinnamon in the wind. It’s just… whoosh! You know, it’s gone. And… you’re just there left cursing the air like, “There was spice here once.” You know, it’s… That’s all it is. It’s… It’s hard to admit, but, you know, life is short. I… I like that. Life is short, life is short. Write that down. Okay, we’ll, we’re filming, so that’s fine. “Honey?” Shh, my husband. “Babe… write down ‘Life is short’.” “Life is short. I’m just thinking here. “Uh, live out loud. I like that. Write that down.” Okay. He’s jealous of what I do. Hmm-hmm. Um… yeah, but it’s true that this could really be… Oh, no, not again. Right. No, but this really is me wrapping up formally. Um, people close to me know I hate to leave the stage, so this will not go well, I just want to tell you now. It’s not gonna… it’s not gonna be a smooth one, but we’ll get you… We’ll land you there, okay? We’ll land you in Des Moines. It’s funny. Someone here tonight has the exact laugh of somebody who deceived me, and it’s really… Huh. Now you’re quiet, right? Typical. You do all look gorgeous, though, I have to say. When we started this show, you were all like this, “Oh, the mortgage, the mortgage.” Right? And now you’re so relaxed. You’re so open. “The mortgage, the mortgage.” You know? And it is special… Oh, my God… I’m so sorry. Hello? Yeah! I’m at work. Why? Okay. Um… like 30 minutes, yeah. Oh, it’s going really well. Yeah, it’s going well. Ohh, how is she? I said, “Ohh, how is she?” Uh-huh. Oh, she not find it? Shit. Okay. Tell her to look under the bed, yeah. Okay. Okay, okay, great. Um, oh, I gotta go, but, um… okay, perfect. I love you, too. Okay. Bye. Oh, my God. No, I’m sorry. That’s… so rude. First of all, I never wanted to be one of those comedians who took a call onstage. That is crazy, crazy rude, but there’s this guy I’ve been seeing for a while, and he just like told me he loved me, so right now I’m just like, oh, my God. So, I… immediately, the walls. Isn’t that funny? Immediately. “Oh, God, now I can’t trust,” but it’s… I actually… we do have that solid foundation of trust because he is my lawyer, so I feel like there is… we have that, you know? But… hmm! I’m just laughing thinking about how fulfilling my private life is. It’s just crazy. I just… And this is amazing. Like, I love being able to do this and connect like this, but then I go home to my boys, and it’s just very… I have seven sons, um… They are 4, 6, 2, 8, 9, 12, and two days. So I have a lot on my hands. I… Yeah, so I have to go home, but, um… Oh, what… I can’t think about my family for a minute? Okay, sorry, whoa! Okay! No, I’ll get back on schedule for sure. Jesus Christ! In case anyone cares, this whole night has been hell for me. Okay? In case anyone cares! Since the very beginning. Tick tock! Right? “Get to the point, bitch!” Right? I’ve felt that from you, so don’t worry. I’ll be on my way, and you can go back to your perfect life without me. Jesus Christ. By the way, I’ll just say, like, you paid to see me, but I’m the weirdo. Okay, got it! Yeah, all of you staring at me, but I’m the one who has a screw loose. Got it. Sure. Okay. No, I’m being… It’s not cool to, like, yell at you. It’s… I’m, um, sad to leave, because until tonight, I… I didn’t know what a family was. No, I’m serious. I had always seen in… books and… TV movie, things like that. I always saw this family, I always saw these happy people smiling, and I was always banging on the glass like this. “Let me in, let me in!” And I never could get in, and, um… I guess tonight for the first time I actually kind of felt like I was sitting at the dining room table with everyone. So, um, that’s why it’s hard for me to leave, but I have to leave… I have to get back, um… I’m selling tank tops and stuff outside, so… So I have to get back to that, but, um… all good things must end, right? “Write that down, babe! That’s good, but…” But I’m gonna put on a happy face… and we’re gonna get on with the show, right? Because it is a show, and there’s so much pressure on me. And don’t… just… Just don’t forget that tonight. Goodbye. No, okay! Ohh. Ahh. Come on! I have to leave? Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay. I actually have to… I’m slashing material. That’s what I’m doing right now. It’s really hard. I’m slashing. I’m slashing the good stuff. I had this… I did have this incredible closer. It was like… Mmm! You know, it was like really creamy and like brought together all these different little… Little variations on the show. It was like all the different threads of the show into this one finely woven tapestry. “Here!” You know? But… time. I just can’t. Heh. Also, closers are gauche. I’m like, “Oh, oh, I’m real… Here’s my big closer.” You know, it’s like… uhh. You know, it’s cheap. It’s cheap! And I don’t want to belittle what we have with material. Like, blah! You know? Are we on a cruise? You know? Jesus. No, I’m… I am like… delaying leaving. There is something I, like, don’t… I’ve been, like, putting off saying. I’m just gonna, like, rip off the Band-Aid and say it. Um… mm! Why is this hard? Oh-kay. My name is not Kate Berlant. And I’m not a comedian. Um… my name is Megan “redacted for my privacy.” Um… but I’m actually the chief research analyst of Behavioral Science at Cornell University, and this has been incredible. I’ve been living as Kate for longer than I’d like to admit, studying the relationship between audience and performer. Things like that, but tonight, uh, it’s over. This was kind of my magnum opus, was to perform as her for an hour. I can’t believe so many people fell for it, but this is my night to sort of shed her, and it’s been… It’s been amazing, but I do want to go back to my roots, my real passion, which is irrigation. And… yeah, just rerouting water systems, the bureaucracy of water, stuff like that, I really want to get into. Uh, so, yeah, I’m gonna shed Kate tonight, and with that… Good night! That’s not it, but can you imagine? No. Not gonna end on that, but, uh… But, yeah, okay. Ohh! The chili sale. The… Okay. I’m selling chili. Uh… I couldn’t send you home with nothing. There is a chili sale happening, um, out front. There are three crocks. They’re Mild, Medium, and “Oh No She Didn’t.” It’s kind of three different… And we encourage you to layer the chilis, right? Have fun with it. They’re 3.99, yeah, uh, a cup. And please, please buy it. Know that all the proceeds go. Um… So… so that’s great. Well, this has been explosive. Your words, not mine. But, um… yeah, it really is time. I have to say when I first got here tonight… I didn’t know what to expect. I was like, Will the spirit be with me, right? Will tonight be a night I just go home, open up the Uber app, and watch the cars go? You know, is that… See, right there I could’ve left. That would have been good. That would have been professional, in fact. Okay, should we do house lights up? I don’t know… Here’s what’s so crazy. Here’s… here’s my dirty secret. The show’s over. No, but it reall… It ended… Yeah, see… By the way, look how casual I am. Is this thing… No, you know. “Where wasn’t I?” That’s the name of the show. But… Yeah, that’s the kind of casual kind of… Oh, my water. Wait, there’s a camera here? Oh, no. Damn it. I wanted to do this, and that, and the other thing.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Whitney Cummings: Jokes (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-jokes-transcript/

[cheering and applause] [lively music playing] [emcee] Give it up for my good friend and yours, Whitney Cummings! [cheering continues] What is up, Newark, New Jersey? [cheering] Whoo! Thank you so much for coming out. This is my fifth stand-up special I am taping with you tonight. It’s been a minute. Uh, my last special, just to catch you up, I had announced that I had just gotten engaged. [cheering] Um… nope, nope, nope. My personality handled that. The problem is, nobody’s happy for me when I say I’m not engaged anymore. I was just used to, when you’re in your twenties and you break up with someone, everyone is so proud of you. They’re like, “Good for you, you don’t need him, fuck him!” You break up with someone in your late thirties and people are like… “Are you sure?” You break up with someone in your twenties, everybody’s worried about your emotional state. They’re like, “How are you feeling?” You break up with someone in your late thirties, people are just worried about your physical safety. They’re like, “You live alone again?” “What if you fall?” I guess I’m a late bloomer. It took this long for me to figure out what I wanted in a relationship, although I finally figured out what I wanted– a man– only to realize that what I want is now considered creepy. Um… I know it’s not popular to say, but I’m into older men. That’s my thing, I like an older man. [applause] Are there any here tonight or did COVID get ’em? [laughter] Do we have any at all? Did any make it? How old are you, sir? Sixty. Sixty! Aaaaaah… I can’t– I can’t help it. Why is that so hot to me? It’s not even like a choice. It’s like every cell in my body is just like, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…” And then just… [splutters] But we can’t, we can’t do this, sir. [inhales sharply] Dating an older man is now considered creepy. I think it was ’cause of all that sexual harassment news. Now it’s, like, creepy to date older guys. You’re not creepy, sir, it’s not you. It’s not you specifically. It’s just everything your generation made is a little sketchy. I dated an older guy last year and we went on a road trip. Every song on his playlist was, like, wild. It was like… ♪ Hey, little girl ♪ ♪ Is your daddy home? ♪ ♪ Did he go away And leave you all alone? ♪ I was like, “Oh, God.” I used to love that song. That shit does not hit the same way. But the good thing about dating older guys is that every now and then, you get to listen to R. Kelly by accident. ‘Cause they didn’t hear about it. M’kay? Yahoo! News or whatever didn’t cover that story. Oh, wow, you’re gonna try to be woke with me? Newark? You sure? You’re gonna try to tell me when the R. Kelly “Ignition Remix” comes on– and it’s not your fault– that that isn’t a gift from God? Okay, I’m not an asshole. I’m not just going to enjoy the song. I’m obviously going to educate him, you know. I’m gonna be like, “Baby, you need to turn this song off.” “You need to turn…” “You need to turn this song off immediately.” “This man is disgusting.” “This man…” “This man was a sexual predator.” “What he did was wrong.” “He objectified women.” “There’s a documentary I need you to watch immediately.” “There’s a Gayle King interview I need you to turn on, and you need to turn this song off in three minutes.” Not dating an older man didn’t work out for me. I did, however, get conned into dating a younger guy. I’m dating a man who’s nine years younger than I am. [splutters] People are so down on younger guys, like, “How do you communicate with him?” Like, he speaks, he can speak. He’s not that young. Um… The only time we have communication problems is when we text because he insists on texting with the little videos, the little moving videos that repeat 50 times. What are they called, giffies? GIFs! Everyone calls them something different. All I know is that if I don’t respond for 20 minutes, I get Homer Simpson backing into a bush. Fifty fuckin’ times in a row. I’m like, “I haven’t seen this episode, I don’t know what this means.” I know what most of the giffies mean, but sometimes it’s just, like, a random person. Like, usually, it’s like Amy Poehler from Parks and Recreation, or it’s Steve Carell from The Office, but oftentimes it’s just a random fucking stranger out of context. When we first started dating, he sent me one. It was like a random toddler in the back seat of a car with buck-ass teeth. She was just staring at me, she was like… I didn’t know what I was looking at. I was with a girlfriend, like, “Dude, if this is his kid, I’m fuckin’ out.” “Absolutely not, you need to fix that. I can’t– no, no.” “‘Course not. I can’t let that bitch ruin my Christmas cards, so make that go away.” People are very down on younger guys, I feel like now. People always say, when I tell them I’m dating a younger guy, they’re like, “Well, he’s a younger man.” “Isn’t he desensitized to women from watching all that toxic porn?” Like, I don’t think so. Younger guys are way more sensitive because of whatever porn they’re watching. He’s always so worried about me. Like he gets really stressed out when I go visit my stepbrother alone. Like, waits by the door. I’m like, “What are you…?” He’s very sweet. The younger guys are nice. They’re nicer. I think that maybe it’s ’cause from all that sexual harassment news, I think the younger guys might be scared of us or something, or maybe, you know, they respect us all of the sudden, whatever it is. It’s annoying as fuck. This guy, when we first hooked up, he had to ask permission for everything he did, everything, he had to ask consent. He’d be like, “Can I kiss you?” “Can I take off your bra?” I’d be like, “I don’t know, bitch, can you?” “I’m a 39-year-old woman.” “You want me to have an orgasm, you better bring me to the brink of death and back.” “Can you do that?” [cheering] They won’t even choke us anymore. They’re too afraid to choke us. He’ll do a hover, it’s like a choke hover. He’ll just hover his hands. I’m like, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” So now I have to… So now… So now I have to choke myself. I have to choke myself on your hand, so now I have to do a sit-up on my day off? Is this what you bitches marched for, shitty sex? Is this what you wanted? ‘Cause I would like to start a new march. “Pay us equally, but choke us like the dirty whores we are.” [cheering and applause] [Whitney chuckling] Ahh! He’s very weird about that stuff because three months in, he’s still asking permission. I’m like, “What are you doing? This is weird. Yes, of course, fine.” He’s like, “You just never know these days.” “All my guy friends, they all say now that sometimes you can have sex with a girl, you’ll think it’s one thing, and then later, you’ll find out that it was something else.” What? I have a question– I know this is gonna get me in so much trouble, but do you guys not know when you’re raping us? You seem confused. Two guys have sex with a girl, your guy friends next day are like, “How did it go, man?” You’re like… [inhales sharply] “Ahh!” “Dude, it could have gone either way.” “Um…” “We either had amazing sex or I’m going to jail, dude.” “Couldn’t tell ya.” [laughs] And then he goes, “If I don’t explicitly ask, how am I supposed to know if you’re into it?” I was like, “I see what’s happening.” “I need to make an announcement to clear up some confusion.” “This will solve that problem.” “I know it’s a bummer, but during sex, every now and then, you guys are gonna have to look at us in the face.” “And I know it’s a bummer.” “You’re just gonna have to check in, just quick… quick gander, just see what it…” “Look me in the eyes.” “If I’m crying, it’s consensual.” “What’s the confusion?” “I feel like…” [laughter and applause] “…you’re overcomplicating this.” No, I do like an aggressive man, but I think that things have gotten a little too aggressive in some fetish communities. I dated a guy that was in the dom-sub community. It’s a very real thing. And he said to me, like on our third date, “Just so you know, I would have to be your dom, you would be my sub.” “I will text you 30 times a day orders that you have to follow,” and I was like… [clicks tongue] “Let me stop you right there.” “You had me at ‘texting 30 times a day.’ I’m fucking in, this sounds incredible.” Here’s what I did learn, though. If you’re going to text a girl 30 times a day a bunch of orders, you better know how to spell. So… you can’t dominate me if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” You’re gonna have to figure that out at some point. I found it very silly until I realized, like, when he was bossing me around and telling me things to do, I was like, “This is so goofy,” but then I realized you can use that dom-sub thing to change all the things about your dude that annoy you. He’d be like, “Get down on your hands and knees!” And I’ll be like, “Mm! Okay.” “Hmm!” “Hmm… and while I’m down here, what if I took off those Birkenstocks… mmm… and put them in the trash?” “Ooh, I am so submissive.” “And then what if I took this Fast and Furious poster off the wall and put that in the garbage?” “And then I’m going to take this Call of Duty mouse pad, ’cause you’re 40.” “Oooh!” “And what if I took those iridescent oak leaves off your head, and what if I sat on them?” “Ooh, so kinky, so kinky.” “And then I’m gonna tell your roommate to move out!” “Ooh, I am so submissive!” [cheering] You gotta find the silver lining, you never know. I found it very silly, but every time he would say something that spooked me, I realized I’m old enough to maybe benefit from this weird-ass lifestyle. He’d be like, “If you’re bad, I have to punish you.” I’d be like… [snickering] “What does that entail?” He’d be like, “I have to physically hurt you,” and I was like, “Eww.” “That sounds weird.” “Then again I pay people to do that sometimes.” “Okay, you know what would really punish me?” “If you jammed your finger into this knot right under my shoulder blade for like 45 minutes every day.” “Ooh, that would punish me so much.” “You know what I hate– when people crack my back.” “Oh, please don’t!” [sighs] That did not work out. I couldn’t take it seriously. This new guy, the younger guy, doesn’t make me do anything I don’t wanna do. Almost like– it’s a little much, actually. I feel like I’ve gotten really lazy. Uh, I recently sat him down and I had to retire a couple sexual positions. It’s a wrap on Reverse Cowgirl for me personally. I’m not trying to be lazy, I just don’t think it’s sexy anymore. I think it’s just more distracting with my knees going “pop-pop-pop, crack-crack, pop-pop-pop-pop, pop-pop-pop.” I do believe the joint pop during sex is truly the only thing we cannot laugh about yet as a species. We can laugh about queefs at this point. It’s not embarrassing, guys love it. They’re like, “Yeah, my dick is so big, I made that pussy fart, yeah.” [imitating fart] They love it. They don’t think that you have a giant pussy, they think they have a giant dick, you’re fine. You’re fine, you’re fine. But that joint pop, that’s embarrassing. There’s nothing… there’s nothing you will not say to get out of that situation, dude. You go down, like, “pop-pop.” “Was that the bubble wrap?” “I think that might have been the bubble wrap.” “Pop-pop? Are we under attack, was that a machine gun?” I really try, I give it my all. I just have too many injuries. I go down, 20 seconds in, I’m jammed up. I got that catcher’s knee. He knows right away, he’ll be like, “Baby, do you want to turn over?” “Turn over? Bitch, I live here now.” “You’re dating a 39-year-old woman.” “Reverse Cowgirl is not the third or fourth position in a series of nine or ten.” “It’s the final position every time it is attempted, okay?” “The only thing to do at this point is to figure out how I can dismount with a modicum of dignity without further injuring my L4.” “Now, listen very carefully.” “I’m gonna need you to scoot out.” “Need your little shimmy-shimmy, little reverse Storming Normandy, shimmy outta there.” “Now I’m gonna need you to turn the lights out, pitch-black.” “Go get Mommy some Icy Hot and some WD-40 while I figure out how to get out of this goddamn nightmare.” [sighing] Now I injured my back, which means now I need to retire Missionary. [laughing] And I also need to retire this fucking joke. Whoo! [applause] I’m very pro younger guys, I’m telling you. They’re very sweet, they’re very caring, they want us to have orgasms. This guy always wants to check to see if I have an orgasm. After we had sex, he’s like, “Did you come?” I’m like, “Of course not.” “When would that have happened? My hands are up here.” “What do you– what?” [applause] [high-pitched whistling] Was that a birdcall? What the fuck’s going on over there? No, he’s very into that, and he’s very into, like, sex toys. For Valentine’s Day, he got me a sex toy as my main gift. He showed up with this gorgeous box. Gives it to me, he’s like, “I found this sex toy for you on Instagram.” “It’s made for women by women.” I opened it, it’s gorgeous. It’s like this glass orb. I was like, “Baby, this is stunning. We should put this on the coffee table.” “I would– I would buy this at West Elm. How much did you pay for that?” He was like, “It was $180.” I was like, “Oh, you’re going to return that right now and I will masturbate with the cash.” “So…” [laughter and applause] “Uh…” “Something you don’t know about me is that my kink is thrift, and I’m never going to be able to have an orgasm knowing that was $180.” “Get the fuck outta here. Okay? You’re dating an older woman.” “We’re ratchet as fuck when it comes to sex toys, okay?” “We came up on the jelly cocks.” $18, 92 veins. That’s a bargain. Now, that is a bargain. They saved money because they molded those jelly cocks onto a homeless man who had just overdosed on methamphetamine and cocaine. They’re like… [straining] “We got it!” “Now all we gotta do is cover it in glitter and it’s ready for market.” [giggles] Those jelly cocks had a suction cup on the back. You just pop that shit onto a wall. Or a washing machine, in my case. That is a product made for women. Is anyone dating an older woman? Younger man/older woman? -[man, clapping] Me. -Yes. One guy. Okay. How much older? How much older is she than you? Three months. Three months. [laughter and applause] That’s your definition of “older woman,” got it. How old– may I ask how old you are, sir? -[man] 53. -53, oh, okay. Okay, got it. You do get points for that. Do you have a life insurance policy on her or what’s, uh… [man] Her job does. Her– he went, “Her job does.” Uh… I do feel like a lot of guys are now dating older women. It’s progressive, but at the same time, you gotta watch it. Don’t just pat yourself on the back. You can’t waste her time. You can’t trifle with a woman in her thirties, you know what I’m saying? If you’re dating a woman in her thirties, that’s like going to the grocery store and buying avocados. You better have a fuckin’ plan. [laughter] [applause and cheering] You don’t just go to the grocery store willy-nilly and decide, “I’m gonna buy some avocados.” No, you better have fuckin’ guacamole shit in your cart. You better have a party coming up, ’cause you know exactly how that’s gonna end. Day one, you look at those brand-new avocados, you’re like, “I got all the time in the world.” You have five days! Like my dude, I tell him, “I don’t give a shit.” “You’re gonna marry me. I will propose to you.” “I don’t give a fuck, okay?” “I’m not gonna just let you watch me rot while you plan a scavenger hunt so that I can hunt for my ring, following a treasure map into the woods like a fucking truffle pig.” Like… [snorting] “Can I have my ring, please?” [snorting] You guys overthink the proposal thing. I feel like I want to get ahead of it. I don’t want him to get down on one knee and propose. I don’t want him to see my neck from this angle. Like, I feel like I’ll lose a lot of leverage. Don’t you dare shoot my neck from this fuckin’ angle, either. No, I do not understand why women don’t propose to men more. Um, I always thought that was weird until I thought through it. “Why don’t I get down on one knee and propose?” And then I realized why ’cause I thought it through, right? “Okay, I’m going to get down on one knee…” Pop-pop, crack-crack. And I realized that if you’re a woman proposing to a man, you have to open with something completely different than the guys open. I would have to open with, “If you take your dick out right now, I will fucking kill you.” [laughter] [scattered applause] [applause building] “I thought that maybe all of our friends and family behind me might be a dead giveaway that I’m not gonna suck your dick… on this beach… next to your niece who’s filming.” “But I guess I have to say this.” “Also, when have I sucked your dick on one knee?” “When have I ever been in this configuration? Okay?” “I would never suck your dick on one knee because I know you would think about Colin Kaepernick, and we can’t both be doing that.” [audience] Ooh! [scattered applause] Then I would just go into my romantic speech. I’d be like, “Alex, will you make me the happiest woman in the world and let me buy my own engagement ring?” “‘Cause you can’t afford the one I deserve.” [laughter and applause] [inhales sharply] [sighs] I’ve been wrong before. I can be wrong. But this is the first guy I’ve ever dated where I do feel like we might have kids together, but I also kind of want to make sure, before we have kids, we do those, like, 23andMe tests so I know what I’m in for. Has anyone done a 23andMe test? [fan] Whoo! Yeah? How’d it go? [woman] I’m 10% Native American. You’re 10% Native American, but you didn’t know that? [woman] No idea. Your kids will be getting into college, so congratulations. You have that. I’m obsessed with these ancestry results. But no one will let me take that test. They’ll be like, “They’re gonna take your data.” Who gives a fuck? They’ll be like, “They’re gonna have your phone number and email address.” I’m like, “Okay.” I’m old enough to remember when there used to be a book full of everyone’s phone numbers and home addresses and they would just throw it at your house. [applause] They were all over people’s porches, in bags. No one even opened them. Homeless people would wipe their assholes with your data. No one wants your fuckin’ data, you dorks! [laughter] Everyone in the audience in their twenties is like, “She doesn’t get it.” “Our data is very precious. Everyone’s, like, obsessed with it.” I’m aware. I have a 25-year-old guy working in my office. Everything’s about his privacy and his data– I can’t even pay him. He will not send me his tax form. He’s like, “I can’t email this document.” “This is a private document.” “My private information.” I’m like, “Cool.” We used to fax our “private” documents to an establishment called Kinko’s. To a communal tray. Full of other private documents. Our encryption, it was something called a “cover page.” Just a piece of paper you would put on top of the other piece of paper. If there was a ceiling fan, you were fucked. There’s no privacy in Kinko’s. You go to the front of the line, like, “Hey, um, I’m here to pick up my private document.” They’ll be like, “Cool. Are you the girl with the DUI or, uh… the one with the Valtrex prescription?” You’ll be like, “Dude, chill, I’m both. Chill.” [laughter] [scattered applause] You putting tape over your camera on your computer, sir? You are? I knew it. Putting tape over your computer camera. You’re like, “Russia’s not gonna see this dick.” “They don’t deserve to see this V-neck and this dick.” You deleting your cookies? You don’t know, you’re not sure. That means, “Yes, every 20 seconds.” All the guys in my office are like, “We need a program that deletes all of our cookies.” I’m like, how much weird-ass porn are you watching? Where is our homie, where is 65? Where is our guy? Did he pass on? Okay, there he is. Um… [laughter] Listen to me. They– if you can hear me. Listen, they… watch all the porn on the Internet, and then they complain that it doesn’t get deleted fast enough. They have to delete their cookies. Do you have any idea what he had to do when he wanted to see a pair of titties? He had to drive into town. Look for a newsstand. He had to look a grown man in the eye and say, “I would like a Big Beaver magazine, please.” [applause] His cookies was a human man! Who he could run into at the grocery store or church whenever. He never knew. If he wanted to delete his cookies, he had to kill his friend! [laughter and applause] This man is an American hero. That’s what he is. I feel I might be a little desensitized to all the privacy stuff. Maybe, I don’t know, I think that that ship sailed for me. Uh, if you didn’t hear, a couple of years ago, I had my nudes publicly leaked. Uh, and I’m gonna tell you something right now, Newark, New Jersey. It wasn’t that bad. [applause] Wasn’t that bad. Uh… They got my whole cloud, and I was actually way more embarrassed about all my screen grabs of inspirational quotes. That’s the shit you want to get ahead of, that will bite you in the ass. I was like, “You guys can have my titties, but please don’t tell anyone about all those Marilyn Monroe quotes in that folder titled, ‘You got this, girl.'” “It was a bad… week.” It was so stupid. It wasn’t even a nude photo that I got to take myself and make it cute. It was a screen grab of a video that I’d accidentally uploaded on Instagram Stories when I was in the bathtub and high on edibles. [scattered laughter] So… I’m in the bathtub and I’m making this Instagram Story, right? I’m so high. I get out of the bathtub. And you know when you post something on social media and you’re like, “I feel like that was good.” Like, “I feel like that’s gonna get in the algorithm.” Like, “That’s gonna get in there.” I open my phone to see how many “likes” it got. “14 missed calls.” My friends were like, “Whitney, your tits are on the Internet!” I had videoed myself getting… out of the bathtub. And it was a very long video, because… You know when you’re high or drunk and you’re alone in your house and you’re convinced that all your furniture’s trying to kill you? I was like, “Not tonight, side table. Not tonight.” “Coffee table looking at me like I’m a snack, no way.” [laughs] So I was able to delete it. Everything was fine, it came down in, like, five minutes. Three months later, I get this very cryptic email from an AOL address. This can’t be good. I open it, and it was a guy who was trying to extort me. He goes, “If you don’t give me $10,000, I’m gonna sell this photo of your boobs to a tabloid.” And I’m, like, opening the photo, it’s loading, and I’m like, “Wait a second, how did he know my boobs cost exactly $10,000?” Like, this is a very fair hacker. Um… I open it and it’s a screen grab of the video where I’m hunched over at this angle, and it is not a flattering angle. And on a bit of a serious note, if you guys saw my last special, you know that I talked about my history of struggling with eating disorders and body image issues, and I hope every woman accepts their body unconditionally wherever you are. [applause] Except from this angle. Um… because it’s actually not acceptable. I said all that before I had seen titties from this angle. Uh, nobody told me, no matter how perky your tits are, the second you bend over, they get long and pointy. Did you know about this? They’re super perky, then they just turn into traffic cones. Did you know that? With, like, a dent in the side. Like traffic cones where someone kicked in the side of the… I did not know about that elasticity situation. I mean, I had a little bit of a suspicion. I had seen a glimpse of myself having doggie-style sex in a mirror before, and I remember thinking, “Why do my titties look like those inflatable men outside a car dealership?” They’re just sort of… And I know on my last special I talked about having fake boobs, but the fake boobs, they do the same thing. You thought they’d stay cute, they don’t. They get long and pointy and weird. I think the fake boobs unionized with the real boobs. They started working together. And the only real difference between fake boobs and real boobs is that real boobs, you know, when you lie down, they just completely disappear. They’re gone, dude. They ghost you. They’re like, “Bitch, I did my job. Peace!” Whereas fake boobs, fake boobs, they go no place. The guy that I’m with had never slept with a girl with fake boobs before. The first time I lied down naked in front of him, he literally– literally this was his reaction– he’d be like… [gasps] Like it was a– audible gasp. It was like [gasps]. I would say, “What?” It is jarring, it’s a little jarring, it is. It’s like two crocodile eyes coming out of a pond. It’s very… [laughter and applause] It is relentless. And, uh… although I do sometimes miss having real boobs because I miss them disappearing. My favorite prank used to be when I would hook up with a guy for the first time, I would lay down and my boobs would disappear, and he’d get on top of me, and I’d go, “Ha ha! You’re gay.” [Whitney laughing] I know. Can you believe I’m not married? Um… [scattered applause] Wild! So I’m in this situation where this guy’s trying to extort me. I’m not gonna give him the $10,000. He’s just gonna do this to someone else. So I was like, “Oh, God, this is such an ethical dilemma.” So I was like, “Okay, I’m just gonna post these photos on social media so he can’t sell them.” I queued them up to post to Instagram and Twitter in, like, an hour. I scheduled the post, and then I did like seven shots of whiskey and passed out. Woke up three hours later. Your Auntie Whitney trending on Porn Hub. [cheering and applause] I feel like… I feel like all the guys that were dragged here by their wives and girlfriends right now are like, “That is how I know her.” “Okay, I know… “ “I got it. I know her, I know her. I know who that is, okay.” I get shamed about this all the time. People blame me, like, “Why were your photos in the cloud?” “Why did you have videos in the cloud?” “Why didn’t you have privacy for all your photos?” ‘Cause I’m not a fucking nerd? Like, when has that even been an option? That’s not something I’m trained to think is even possible, dude. We used to take a roll of film, and we would leave it with some guy at Kroger for like a week. And then we found out whatever the fuck he was doing only took an hour. Like, none of it’s good. Those prints came back sticky as hell. You know I’m right. I never want to be negative about technology. The only time I ever get a little bit suspicious of technology is when I go to the doctor and I see some new gadget that we didn’t have before that makes you do math on what we did before the gadget. Like I had to go in for a COVID test last year. They were like, “Ma’am, we need to take your temperature.” I was like, “Cool.” They were like, “Ma’am, we haven’t done that in a while now.” I was like, “I haven’t had my temperature taken in a while now, so what?” This next generation, you just had little laser beams? Aimed at your forehead? And we had anal sex with thermometers our entire childhoods? You guys are just cool with this? You’re just gonna let this slide? ‘Cause I would like to discuss reparations at some point. If you think about what it was like for us to be at the doctor as kids, it’ll ruin your day. When I was a kid, you got buck naked at every doctor. No questions asked. I still do it. Old habits, dude. I just want to get out of there quickly, and there’s rules about it, there’s laws now. If a doctor walks in, they’ll be like, “No, ma’am, you’ve got to put on a robe.” “This is illegal now.” “What do you mean? You’re my ophthalmologist.” “Don’t you need to see if…?” “Don’t you need to see if my nipples work? Like, since when?” I feel like what happened is that women started becoming doctors and they looked at the protocols that the male doctors had made before them, and they were like, “Okay, let’s see what…” “Wait a second, they didn’t need to be naked at the ear, nose and throat doctor, you perverts.” They were like… [deep voice] “Eh, we had a good run.” [laughter] “Don’t worry, we got Polaroids.” I went to my annual gynecological exam. For the first time ever, there was, all of the sudden, a chaperone in the room. Is that a law here? There’s a chaperone during the gynecological– this never happened before. I’ve been going to this guy for 25 years. He’s 70 years old, all of the sudden there’s this nurse there. I was like, “My only opportunity to get fingered by an older man, and you are fucking it up!” “You are fucking this up for me.” [applause] “What? What? Oh, he’s got to wear gloves during the exam?” “Cool! You fucking nerd.” “We have a thing going on.” I was fine, I was like, “Dude, I’m used to this.” She was the one stressed out. I was like, “Are you okay?” “Do you need a chaperone?” “You’re watching me get fingered by Santa Claus.” “How are you doing?” [laughter] [applause] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin Santa Claus for you. No, I feel like I’m the most pro-technology of all my friends. A lot of my friends are very against technology. They’re worried about it. It’s mostly my friends that are parents. As soon as my friends become parents, they get freaked out about technology. Mostly the phones, that’s every conversation I have with parents now. They’re like, “These kids, now they’re on their phones eight hours a day.” “Kids are on their phones all day long now.” I’m like, “Good.” “We’ve finally figured out a way to shut them the fuck up.” “Why…” [applause] “Why are you complaining about this miracle in your living room?” They’re like, “Whitney, because the phones are dangerous for the kids.” Eh… Are they? Is anything more dangerous for the kids than what we played on? You want to put your kids on the shit we played on when we were children? Okay, great, why don’t you put your kid on a merry-go-round? Remember that quality item? It’s like a lazy Susan for pedophiles. Make sure they saw every angle of the kid. They wait for the first kid to fall off who didn’t cry. They’d be like, “That’s the one.” We used to play on something called a seesaw. It’s a piece of wood on a hinge. The main objective was just to catapult the other child… into the air. And we were such homicidal psychopaths. If you were the kid that was on the bottom, you’d be like, “I wonder what would happen if I just jumped off this?” [laughter and applause] We’d… We’d watch the other kid careen to the ground, shattered nine vertebrae. Attempted murder, every day. At recess. “But the phones!” Fuck outta here. I have a goddaughter, she’s five. I went to her playground. If you’ve been to a playground recently, you know playgrounds are totally– You know, playgrounds now, they’re, like, mushy? Did you know that playgrounds have shade? Dude, we had a slide made out of sheet metal. [cheering and applause] It would bake in the hot sun. Dude, you’d get down on it. It was like a hot skillet. You’d go down that slide, like… [shrieking] We’d be squealing like pigs. Frying our assholes! Which had just had a thermometer in it 20 minutes earlier at the school nurse. [cheering and applause] It kind of ruined our plans to put sparklers in our butts later that night. [giggles] This is a very incendiary thing to talk about, people will argue with me. They’re like, “Whitney, it’s also about, like, the phones.” “They can be tracked. What if predators find the kids?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s bad, that’s not good.” Then again, when I was a kid on the schoolyard, we would play a game on the swings called “Spider” where you would straddle the other child and just… fuck each other. We’d just fuck each other in broad daylight. All the teachers saw what we were doing. The teachers were in the corner like, “Aaah!” Like, they knew. They didn’t care. Any predator that found the kid on their phone, they’d walk up and they’d be like, “Eww, never mind, dude.” “Those kids are nasty.” You cannot argue that kids are not physically safer than they’ve ever been. Like, kids don’t get injured the way we got injured. When’s the last time you saw a kid in a cast? It doesn’t fuckin’ happen, dude. We used to spend the first 45 minutes of school signing casts. That’s how we learned to read and write. Half the kids in my grade, they had a cast with a metal bar. It was a metal rod, it was a metal– kids were doing the Hitler salute just the entire school year. I do feel like the casts were like the first “comments section.” We’d all write on them, we’d be like, “Hey, love you. Get well soon.” And then some punk would draw like a dick on the back, with balls. No one would tell the kid. Just add emotional injury to physical injury. [giggles] People will even argue with me about that. People will be like, “No, Whitney, the kids do get injured ’cause they type all day and it hurts their fingers and their fingers have pre-arthritis.” I’m like, “Got it.” We used to play a game called “Bloody Knuckles.” [laughter] [scattered applause] We would just punch each other in the knuckles until our eyes started twitching. They’re like, “But sometimes the kids have to wear wrist braces because they get tendonitis in their wrists from typing.” I’m like, “We used to play a game called ‘Red Rover, Red Rover,’ where you would hold hands with another kid and just pray that your wrist didn’t snap off your fucking body.” That is a move that’s illegal in the NFL, it’s illegal. It’s called the flying wedge. We played it every day at recess, dude. Red Rover, dude. And then the kid with the metal-bar cast, they let him play! [laughter and applause] The kids are fine. I’ve heard every argument. I’ve yet to hear an argument that really convinces me that the kids are in any real trouble, but people will still fight with me. They’ll be like, “Whitney, it’s the social media, it traumatizes the children, it’s psychologically traumatizing.” I’m like, “Hmm, when I was five, my parents showed me a movie called Old Yeller.” [laughter] “And then I had to read a book called Where the Red Fern Grows.” “Feel like all those alive puppies on TikTok are probably fine.” This is a big one, “Wendy, they could go on the Internet and get misinformation.” That’s all we got. My mom used to tell me that when the ice-cream truck played music, that meant it was out of ice cream. [laughter and applause] Do you know how fucked up that is? We got misinformation in the form of lies. From people that were supposed to love us. I remember on the way home from school, I’d be like, “Mom, can we stop at McDonald’s?” She’d be like, “Sorry, baby, it’s closed.” Like, “Aw, man!” Try pulling that shit with a kid today. Good luck. Be like, “Mom, I wanna go to McDonald’s.” She’ll be like, “Sorry, baby, it’s closed.” “Bitch, that’s a 24-hour McDonald’s.” “And if you don’t take me right now, I will tweet that you molest me.” “So… your move, baby girl.” “Your move.” [giggles] I’ve just heard every argument, and I feel like it’s a little overblown. What I hear is about how kids, all they do is take pictures of themselves. “They just take pictures of themselves, they take selfies all day long.” Who gives a shit? We’re just jealous, I think we’re jealous because we got one photo a year. We had a day. It was called “Photo Day.” It was our only opportunity in a year to get proof of our existence, and we had to wait in line for five hours, holding an envelope full of change? You would get to the front of the line, you had one shot, dude. They’d be like, “All right, say cheese!” [imitates shutter] “I think I blinked!” He’d be like, “Sorry, brace face, see you next October.” Kids now, they can get eight tries till they get a good one. We got eight sizes of the same shitty photo. What were those sizes? I remember being with my mom in the Walmart frame section, she’s in tears. She’s like, “What’s this one? What is this, a 9×1?” “I don’t even– is this a bookmark? I don’t know what that was.” “What’s this tiny little one? Is this for a locket?” “I paid 74 nickels for this bullshit!” I think we have to use critical thinking on this stuff, you know? I know it’s insensitive sometimes to say, but people will be like, “Whitney, the phones, they are really toxic for the kids.” “The filters on Instagram, they give the kids body dysmorphia.” Okay, I have body dysmorphia ’cause we used to xerox our faces. I’ve never seen myself before because I fried my retina on the surface of the fuckin’ sun, ’cause that was the only way to get a selfie back in my day. And then we would play with something called “pin art,” you remember that? It was the red frame with all the little needles in it, and you put your– put your hand, the outline, and your hand would go– We’d put it on our face! [laughter and applause] My generation needs filters to cover up the tetanus scars from jamming our head into a box of nails. [sighs] [applause] I just think it might be the best-case scenario. You can’t let kids get bored, and when kids get bored, they do dumb shit, that’s it. Like before phones, for our main form of amusement, we used to walk around the mall. For five hours. With no money. You know some bad ideas are gonna bubble up at some point. Twenty minutes in, we’d be like, “Oh, my God!” [groans] “Should we just get in the van with that guy?” “Like, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?” “He’s got candy.” Like, that was our Candy Crush, just a guy in the Penney’s parking lot with Werther’s Originals. Wearing that exact shirt. Um… No, I just feel like it’s just so odd to me, like when people come up to me after I talk about this stuff. They’ll come up to me, like, “What did your parents think of all that?” They didn’t. Our parents had no idea what we were doing. My mom used to say to my face, “Go out and play. Come back before dark.” Kids don’t know when it’s gonna get dark. Gets dark, and they’re like, “Fuck, it’s dark!” “Noooo!” “This happens every night! It’s always a surprise!” And then we would just have to Blair Witch Project our way home. Eventually we’d find a pay phone, and you’d have to pray that your mom would take a collect call. You call your mom and you’d be like, “You have a collect call from–“ “Mom, it’s dark! Come find us!” And then you would just hitchhike and… that was kind of the deal. It’s wild to think about because even when our parents were with us, they had no idea what we were doing. My mom used to take me to birthday parties every Sunday, and we would play in something called a “bounce house.” Is that what you guys call it in New Jersey? Are you sure? You guys seem rich. Do you call it a “bouncy castle”? Don’t lie to me. [laughter] She’s like, “Okay, you’re right, I’m a princess.” Um… So you’d roll up to the bouncy castle, right? And I remember, even as a kid, I always thought that shit was sketchy. I was like, “I’m just a kid and I don’t know anything about math, but, like… there’s, like, 70 pairs of kids’ shoes outside, but only, like, three kids inside.” No maternal alarm bells are going off. She would just fuckin’ leave. She would leave, and you remember the screen outside the bounce house? That was painted over, she didn’t know what was going on. You guys remember what was going on. There was always that bully kid who was, like, hiding in the corner who had been practicing all day how to bounce. He knew every sort of part. He knew all the soft spots, he knew how to bounce, and he would just wait in the corner for new blood to come in. You would come in there, you’d be like, “I’m on the moon!” Come outta nowhere. Boom! Bounce you into the air, down into the crevice between the floor and the wall where you would join nine other kids who had been there for five days, covered in their own blood and piss. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what to do. I’m trying to figure out how to be a good mother. I’m not a mother, but I am a godmother. Is anyone a godparent? -[scattered applause] -Yeah? It’s a fuckin’ scam. It’s a racket. You fall in love with this child and you have no authority over them at all. Then you just get yelled at by the parent, you know? I get yelled at constantly. All I do is try to do good things for this child. I love her so much. Every time she comes over, I get in trouble. Like recently she came over, I had gone to a store. I got all this organic, like, food, and, like, I made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, gluten-free bread, right, I think I’m in the clear. And, uh, she comes over, and there was peanut butter on the sandwich and… if you live in California and you put peanut butter on a sandwich and it’s near a child, uh, Will Smith just comes out and punches you in the face. Um… [applause] It’s like a new law. So I got in trouble for that. But then I got some other fuckin’ almond butter thing and all this organic stuff, and she’s like, “I need to see the bottle,” and I was like, “It’s organic.” She’s like, “Hmm, even a lot of the organic brands have chemicals.” I was like, am I the only kid that drank out of a hose till I was, like, 14? Dude, I remember the first time I went to a restaurant. They brought me water, I was like, “Eww, what’s this clear shit?” “I ordered water, the murky stuff that makes you go night-night?” “Try again.” “Ecch! I already had to bring my own paint chips to this shit hole.” I’m always getting in trouble. I guess I just don’t know how to be a good parent. There’s all this new stuff you have to, like, know about, and I just feel like it’s a little bit overkill, ’cause I really try and I always end up in trouble every time I try to be in her life. She recently got into ballet, all right? She’s five years old, she’s in ballet. I’m like, I have to go to the recital for that ’cause there’s nothing cuter than toddlers in ballet because they all have, like, beer bellies. For no reason. They probably have tapeworms ’cause they only eat fuckin’ organic shit. Just saying. And then… [laughs] …their pantyhose never fit, right? ‘Cause no one wants to touch their legs ’cause it’s too awkward, so they all have like ball sacks on their knees and they’re just like these stupid little sumo wrestlers knocking into each other, so I was like, “I have to go to that, that’s hilarious.” And I did not get in trouble until the freakin’ end after it’s over, right? I didn’t say anything, I didn’t talk about the ball sacks. I totally behaved myself. And then after the show, I went up to my goddaughter, and I was like, “Olivia, you did such a good job and you looked so pretty in your outfit.” My friend pulls me aside, she goes, “Whitney, get over here!” “We don’t say she’s pretty.” “We say she’s smart.” I was like, “Okay.” “But she’s not.” [laughter and applause] “I am happy to lie.” “I’m trying to understand what we’re doing ’cause the spelling bee’s down the hall.” “Maybe we can plié down to the spelling bee ’cause your kid can’t fuckin’ read yet ’cause you let her choose her own classes.” “How am I the asshole?” “You’re the one that bought lingerie for your baby.” “How am I…?” “I just watched you put mascara on your toddler in the parking lot.” “I feel like we’re even.” She goes, “Whitney, you don’t understand.” “There is an epidemic in this country of girls that define themselves through their appearance over their intelligence.” I was like… “That sounds true.” “But there’s also an epidemic of hot girls who think they’re smart.” [laughter and applause] “What are we gonna do about that?” “You can make a difference today.” No, I’m always getting in trouble with her. I have very strong feelings about stuff ’cause I love her. She’s in ballet, and I feel like a toddler in ballet, totally fine, it’s cute, but I feel like, as a girl, you cut ballet off at, what, like ten? Eight, ten. I basically said to her, “I don’t think that toddlers need to keep doing ballet later.” Like, I don’t think anything should exist today if you can’t sell it right now as a brand-new idea. I get why ballet was entertaining like 400 years ago, but I don’t think it needs to still be a business based on what we now know. Imagine trying to sell ballet as a brand-new concept to a Broadway producer right now. You’d be like, “Hey, I have this idea for a show.” “It’s a dance show.” “It’s about 20 18-year-old girls.” “They dance for about two hours in underwear.” They’ll be like, “Brrr, I’m sorry, is that like a burlesque-type show?” “Not at all.” “They don’t have tits or asses because we starve them.” “And their toes look like curly fries for the rest of their life.” They’d be like, “Uhh… I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand this show.” “So it’s just women, there’s no men in the show?” “Oh, my God, totally forgot to tell you.” “Yes, there is one man in the show.” “He is like 30 and he’s the one that holds them up by their pussies.” “Sorry, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this idea.” “Um, so they’re just in underwear? Is that the only–“ “Oh, forgot to tell you.” “Of course they’re not just in underwear. We have skirts for them, obviously.” “But we figured out a way to make them go straight out.” “So you can still see everything you need to see.” [clicks tongue] “I’m sorry, I’m just– [splutters] I’m not getting it.” “Do you want to just, I don’t know, show me the dance moves?” She’s like, “No problem, it’s very simple.” “They just show their pussies… from every angle.” “Their pussies fly. They’re making the pussies fly.” “And then they just present their pussies to everyone in the audience.” “One by one.” “You know how you blow kisses at people? They just blow their pussies at people.” “Don’t worry, we don’t let them smile.” “Make sure they have no joy behind their eyes.” You can have one, of course, sir. Of course. Ballet is a wild show! It’s a wild show. You know a show’s creepy when they give the audience binoculars. Like, why do they have binoculars? Why do the binoculars have one handle bar? Why do you need one hand free? What is this show? It’s called The Nutcracker, you guys! [laughter and applause] I love you, Newark, New Jersey! ♪ Don’t act like that’s a disease ♪ ♪ Need y’all to bear with me, please ♪ ♪ I just say what I see ♪ ♪ You look at me And you see what I see ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror… ♪ I love you, Newark, New Jersey! ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror… ♪ You better fuckin’ catch me! You better catch me! ♪ ‘Cause maybe, maybe, maybe We’re just the same ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror ♪ ♪ We’re all crossing paths For a reason… ♪ Get your photos, everyone! ♪ Hoping just to share Some laughs… ♪ Here we go, Bap Bap Bap! [cheering] ♪ Have I met you in the past ♪ ♪ In a life that I lived last ♪ Bap Bap Bap! You want to see my new act? [laughs] ♪ Well, I don’t know The monsters you knew ♪ ♪ But I’m trying to forget The ones I met too ♪ Ehh-ehh-ehh. ♪ Baby, you could help me ♪ ♪ Baby, I’m-a help you… ♪ [audience] Whoo! Whoo! What’s up, Des Moines, Iowa?! [indistinct chatter] That is wild to me! ♪ Baby, baby, baby… ♪ All right, I love you. We’re outside your house, bitch. Hard work paid off! Hard work paid off! Thank you to the Windy City for drying out my chin but not my… [clicks tongue] ♪ It’s the same pain ♪ I love you! ♪ And when I wake, I hear ♪ Whoo! ♪ The same wave ♪ ♪ Of sirens coming down my way ♪ ♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay ♪ So, my pants did split. [laughter] [chanting “Hard work paid off!”] ♪ You look at me And you’ll see what I see ♪ ♪ Ayyyy ♪ ♪ When you’re with me ♪ ♪ There’s no use in hiding ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror ♪ ♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪ ♪ Don’t look away… ♪ I love you, Newark! ♪ ‘Cause, baby, baby, baby ♪ ♪ We’re just the same ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror ♪

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Trevor Noah: I Wish You Would (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-i-wish-you-would-transcript/

[orchestral warmup] Potatoeszah. Zah. Potatoes. Baby. [low voice] Baby. [high voice] Baby. [normal voice] Can I hear it without the house for a second? Yep. Yep. [drawnout] Yep. [malevolent voice] “All those who try…” [normal] All right, bring it all in. [mimics announcer] “Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner…” [accented] “As a South African…” Yep. Yep. Yep. “In the red corner…” [mimics Trump] “I’ve had so many, so many of them…” [mimics Obama] “Americans.” Yep. Yep. [accented] “As Americans…” [mimics Obama] “As Americans…” “You gotta realize…” “Never again.” “…it’s not a question.” ♪ There’s a place… ♪ [mimics Trump] “So many…” [as Obama] “…but rather of how.” [as Trump] “I’ve tried…” [as Obama] “Gotta know that yes, we can.” [as Trump] “I know…” [rapid vocalizations] Yep. [rhythmic vocalizations] [normal voice] Where are all the people? Why are there no people here? What do you mean, I’m early? [chuckling] Ahh. Yeah, that sounds amazing. [midtempo rock intro plays] [audience cheering, muted] [music volume increases] [cheering grows louder] [audience cheering loudly] What’s going on, Toronto, Canada? [cheering grows louder] How you doing, everybody? Welcome to the show! [cheering continues] Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show! Thank you so much for coming out! We made it! Oh, we made it. This is so amazing. What a long time. It has been too long. Too long. But we’re back. [applause] And it’s so good to see you all again. [crowd cheering] Oh, man, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this so much. I’ve missed going around the world. I’ve missed people’s languages and cultures. We just did Europe as well. It was so fantastic. One of my dreams came true. I got to go to Switzerland for the first time. One of my dreams. If you don’t know this about me, I’ll tell you why it was such a big dream. My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman, from South Africa. I grew up in South Africa, right? Molweni, molweni. [crowd cheering] My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland. White man, right? And so, I never got to go to Switzerland. Then, when I got the chance, I never made the time. Then I couldn’t go. Then finally now, we went to Switzerland for the first time. And it was liberating. ‘Cause here’s the thing. My whole life, my whole life, I have always felt like my dad didn’t really love me. Okay? And then now, when I went and met him in Switzerland, I was like, “No.” “He’s just Swiss.” [laughter] They’re all like that. [scattered cheers] It was a bit weird, though. I tried to surprise him, though. Right? I tried to surprise him by learning German. We hadn’t seen each other for a while. Because he speaks German, I thought I’d surprise him on the trip. You know? I went on Duolingo, did a bunch of studying. And I got to Germany. Like, practiced the whole thing. Got to Switzerland, was like, “Oh, this is it.” I was ready. Like, “I’m gonna surprise my dad.” I planned to get to his house, knock on the door. He’d open it, surprised, like, “Oh! Trevor!” Then I’d be like, “Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!” He was gonna be like, “Huh? Ich liebe dich!” Be like… [celebratory singing] Was gonna be a whole thing. I had it all planned out. Didn’t go according to plan. [laughter] I got there. He was surprised. He was happy. But as soon as I spoke, I was like, “Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!” He was like, “Don’t do that. Don’t do that, huh?” [laughter] “No, don’t do that. No.” Learning German has been a weird journey for me. You know? I wanna speak it because most of my family speaks it on my dad’s side. But I… I’ve learned a few things about my German which haven’t been great. I was in Germany, visiting some extended family in a place called Cologne. Beautiful city. If you’ve never been, you should go. Stunning. Stunning place. And one of my friends, Rolf, was with me in the city. Right? One day Rolf turns to me, like… [German accent] “Trevor, you know, today maybe we should have a traditional German meal, ja?” “You want to eat something traditionally German?” “Ja, we’re going to take you, okay?” I was like, “That sounds amazing, Rolf. What are we gonna have?” He’s like, “Ah, okay, have you heard of Subway?” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s German, Rolf.” He’s like, “Nein, nein. I’m just saying to understand the chain.” “Right? Where you’re going to be having the sandwiches und you are having the bread und choosing the toppings.” Like, “Yeah, I know how Subway works, man.” He’s like, “Okay. Ach so, I want to take you to a German version, ja?” “Better than that. Better.” “Like, with the best bread und meat. You have to go.” So he took me, and he wasn’t lying. So we go to this sandwich shop. It’s, like, 50 years old. Everything is in German. We walk in, I was like, “Oh, this is it!” “Might not be my dad’s house, but this is where I can practice my German.” [laughter] Rolf looks at me, like, “Would you like me to order?” I was like, “No, Rolf, I’ll… I’ll order the food.” He’s like, “Okay, you’re going to buy the food?” Like, “No, you’re gonna buy. I just wanna order it.” [laughter] “I just wanna practice my German.” He’s like, “But they might not understand you, ja?” “Because German can be diff” I was like, “Yo, I got this, Rolf. I got this.” So I walk up to the counter. The woman was really friendly. Like, “Guten Tag, kann ich dich helfen?” I was like, “Guten tag!” [laughter] [shouting] “Ich will ein kleinen Broten haben, bitte schön!” “Das schwarze Broten mit dem Käse!” “Und das Schinken, bitte schön!” “Und gib für mich ein Pepsi Cola! Danke!” [laughter] And she shat herself. [laughter continues] I’ll never forget the look in that woman’s face. She was petrified. She stared at me and was like… [gasps] “Der Schwarze Hitler!” [laughter] Which means “the Black Hitler.” [laughter] Yeah. The way I inflect on certain words has a certain, uh, Führer feeling to it, apparently. [laughter] I was devastated. Rolf thought it was hilarious. The whole ride home, we’re in the car, he’s hitting himself. [mimics laughter] “Oh mein Gott!” “Der Schwarze Hitler!” [cackling] “Oh, Trevor, can you imagine if Hitler was Black?” [continues cackling] “It totally wouldn’t have worked, ja?” [audience laughing] Like, “Rolf, it’s not that funny.” “I tried to learn German to connect with my family and sound like one of the worst humans in history.” He’s like, “Yeah, but it was totally funny.” “You should have seen yourself.” [mock shouting] “It’s like you were about to invade the meat section.” “Oh mein Gott!” “Oh, you should have” I was like, “Rolf, it’s not cool, man!” “I’m in pain right now.” He’s like, “Calm down, Trevor. Calm down, ja?” “Indulge me mein schadenfreude, okay?” [laughter] He actually taught me a new word that day. Yeah. Never heard it before. “Schadenfreude.” German word. Schadenfreude. All right? It means “to take great joy in the pain and suffering of others.” [laughter] [chuckles] Fun fact… That word was never translated into another language. [laughter] I wonder why. [laughter continues] Pretty insane word, right? Schadenfreude. Why would you want that? To indulge in others’ pain and suffering. Why would you… But then when I thought about it, I was like, “It sounds terrible, but… we all do it.” [laughter] Every one of us in this room. We all experience schadenfreude. You know? We all do. You know when you have schadenfreude? When you’re driving on the highway, yeah? And you’re cruising along, everything’s going well, and you look over on the other side, and the traffic is packed up. [laughter] And you get that little feeling inside. Like… [giggles] “I made the right choices in life!” [maniacal chortle] [laughter, applause] That’s schadenfreude. You know what schadenfreude is? Schadenfreude is what happened when Black women saw middleaged white men crying after Disney said they were changing The Little Mermaid. [laughter, cheering] That’s schadenfreude. That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. Grown men, crying. [whiny masculine voice] “This is ruining my childhood!” “They changed The Little Mermaid!” “She looks nothing like the original!” [normal voice] “Nothing”? She looks nothing like the original, really? Nothing? There is nothing that reminds you of the original when you look at her? Nothing at all? You realize the only thing that changed is the color of her skin? This part of the color of her skin. The hair’s red, the body is fish. That doesn’t remind you of The Little Mermaid? That was the main thing that you recognized in The Little Mermaid? Really? [laughter] You know what schadenfreude is? Schadenfreude is what everybody from Ireland and Kenya and Trinidad and Jamaica… [scattered cheering] …and South Africa… and India… [cheers continue] …all felt when the news came out and said, “The Royal Family has bad news.” [audience laughing] [Trevor chuckles] Here’s the thing people don’t understand. People are like… [British accent] “Are you laughing at this?” “Are you laughing at this?” [normal voice] “Yes, first of all. But…” [laughter] “…you’re misunderstanding it.” Right? The Royal Family always gets sensitive about people responding to their bad news. But they don’t understand, that’s not really bad news. Every time the Royal Family wants us to feel sorry for them, is it really bad news? Huh? They be like… [British accent] “Please, we ask you for your sympathy right now.” “We have lost Harry and Meghan.” [normal voice] “Lost them? They’re missing?” [British accent] “No, no.” “Your favorite British couple has now become your favorite American couple.” [dramatic sobbing] [audience laughing] [Trevor giggling] [British accent] “The Royal Family has bad news.” [normal] “Is it bad news?” [British] “Yes, it is.” “The Queen has died.” [normal] “Died of what?” Finishing life! [laughter] You kidding? I’m not saying someone shouldn’t grieve, but she finished life. Do you know how many human beings don’t get to do that? She finished it. She died as Queen. Died of what? Old age. That means you finished the game. Done. Credits are rolling. [cheers and applause] Buried with the jewels. Hashtag “winning.” You want the colonies to be sad? Those are their jewels. [laughter] Africans are like, “Can we have our diamonds back?” They’re like, “No, the Queen takes them with her.” [laughter] You kidding me? People are like, “This is not the time to be talking about her.” “You shouldn’t be saying bad things about her. It’s not…” “You shouldn’t be speaking ill of the dead.” No, that’s exactly what you should do. [crowd chuckling] Yeah, the perfect time to talk shit about people is when they’re dead. All right? [laughter] Can we agree on this in society? Maybe be nicer to each other when we’re alive, and let’s talk shit when people die. All right? [cheers and applause] Do that for me, people. When I’m dead, say whatever you want about me. When you see me in the streets, just say hi. [laughter] You know why? ‘Cause I’m gone. People are like… [angry muttering] “These people up there dancing on her grave.” Yeah, that’s what graves are for. That’s why they made them flat. [laughter] The whole point was people could dance on them. Otherwise, they would’ve made them slanted so you would slide off. And even in that, the Queen is winning. She’s got some of the best dancers dancing on her grave. Huh? Can you imagine the Africans coming in? They’re just there, huh, doing their thing? Then the Irish are like, “We’re up next. Hey!” “Oh, save us some space on the grave.” You’ve got the Indians coming in. “Now it’s our moment.” Finally, everyone from the Caribbean… ♪ Murder, she wrote ♪ [laughter, applause] Give it up! [audience laughs, applauding] One of my favorite things I used to love doing was watching horror movies and then judging people when they made stupid decisions. [laughter] I love it. I watch horror movies. I wait for people to make stupid decisions. And then when they die, I’m like, “You deserved it.” [laughter] Never makes sense. Never. You know? Someone being chased. There’s, like, a guy in a mask, and he’s got a knife. Right? Guy’s walking. Person runs to their car. They always fumble with the keys. [panicked whimpering] Dead. What are you doing? [laughter] What are you doing? If someone’s chasing you with a knife and you get to a car, don’t bother getting in. It’s a waste of time. All you do is just run to this side of the car. And then you wait. [laughter] When they go that way, you go this way. [laughter] They go that way, you go this way. Yeah, we can do this shit all day. [vocalizes jaunty tune] People make the dumbest decisions in horror movies. I don’t get it. My favorite is when people just have to hide. That’s all they have to do. Just hide and shut up. [laughter] For an hour and a half, they can’t do it. Like in A Quiet Place. Have you watched that? One of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah? The one with the aliens that don’t see anything? They just use echolocation to figure out where everyone is. [throaty clicking vocalizations] [laughter] [continues clicking sounds] There’s always the people hiding in the shed. Just there, like… [loud, trembling breaths] [laughter] [quavering] Shh… [shuddering sobs] [audience laughing] You just have to be quiet. You can just chill. Just be there, chilling. [chuckles] Could be sitting there playing Xbox quietly. [laughter] No… [whimpers] Shh… There’s always that baby. [mimics baby giggle] [shuddering] Shh! And there’ll always be the moment where you can see the monster’s given up. You know? The moment where the monster’s like… [clicking] [rapid clicking] [laughter] And just as it’s about to leave, just as it’s about to go, there’s always one idiot, one idiot who jumps up, like, “I can’t take it anymore!” “Come get me!” [mimics impact grunt] Dead. You deserved it. [audience laughing] ‘Cause I never got it. Right? I never understood. Why? All you have to do is wait. You just stay inside for long enough, and the danger will subside. Why can’t you do it? Why is it so hard to just stay inside? And then the pandemic hit. [audience laughing] I was like, “Ah, now I get it.” [laughter continues] Ah, ’cause we all hit our breaking point. The pandemic made people crazy. I thought we were all gonna come together. That’s what I believed. From all the movies I watched as a kid. I thought if humans were ever threatened with an existential threat, we would abandon every single fight we were having, and we would come together to win. You know? I thought if that virus came, we’d all be there. We’d be like, “All right, no more racism. No more sexism. Let’s do this together.” And we’d go and defeat the enemy aliens, and then we’d come back, be like, “All right, let’s get back to the racism and sexism.” [laughter] Like in Independence Day, that’s what happened. Remember? Yeah. That’s what I grew up watching. Everyone in the world came together to fight the aliens. We stopped all our… There was no politics, no nothing. We unified, and we won. And then in real life, what do we do? We fought each other, and we lost. We were supposed to be a team. Will Smith was supposed to be our hero. [laughter] None of it went as planned! [applause] [Trevor chortles] [audience chuckling] I wonder if that’s how the dinosaurs went out, you know? Maybe they just couldn’t agree on anything. Maybe some warned the others, like, “There’s an asteroid!” “There’s an asteroid coming down to Earth!” Other dinosaurs are like, “Asteroids are not real!” [laughter] “It’s a hoax!” That rock smashed into the planet… [mimics impact explosion] Dust covered the globe. All the dinosaurs were running around in panic, “Ahh! The dust is everywhere!” “Wear a mask! Wear a mask!” [laughter] The T. rex was like, “I can’t!” [laughter continues] [giggling] You know what’s so crazy is… I thought the pandemic was gonna ravage Africa the worst. Yeah, I won’t lie. I was terrified. I was terrified for the African continent. My whole life, I’d seen, whenever there was a virus that broke out in the world, if it got to Africa, we got it the worst. I remember when it started spreading around the globe. I was getting ready for it. My friends from home were calling me on the phone. They’re like, “Trevor, are you seeing what’s happening with coronavirus?” “Yeah, I’m seeing it.” “What do you think’s gonna happen?” Like, “Aww, man. You guys are screwed, man.” [laughter] “You guys?” Like, “Yeah. I’m in America, baby.” “I made the right choices in life.” [laughter] Turns out it was the other way around. Pound for pound, Africa did better than any other continent in handling the disease. [cheers and applause] Shocked everyone. What was even wilder was this… When Ebola was happening in Africa, the news always made it seem like it was Africans’ fault for having Ebola. Every time you’d watch the news, there was always a subtle level of blame that was happening in the news reports, right? Didn’t humanize the people. It would always be someone random on, like, Sky or the BBC standing there. There’d be dead bodies piled up behind them. Like, “Sarah, I’m standing in West Africa, where as you can see behind me the bodies of Ebola victims are piling up.” “Many European scientists are asking if unfortunately these Africans have themselves to blame.” “They’ve been refusing the advice of the World Health Organization, not understanding the importance of distancing from each other during this time.” “And it appears that they only have themselves to blame.” “Dillian Pann, BBC. Back to you in the studio.” And I would watch this and be like, “No!” “Africans, why do we do this to ourselves?” “Why, Africa?” “Why?” “Why do we love doing this to ourselves?” “Why do we like kissing monkeys?” Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. [laughter] Mwah, mwah, mwah. “The lips are so sexy.” [laughter] And then when COVID came, Africans used everything they had learned from every virus they had to fight without the help of the West, and they dealt with it better than any other continent. [applause] Didn’t get credit, by the way. Everyone made it seem like it was luck. That’s where the world is lucky that Africans aren’t spiteful. Yeah. Africans aren’t spiteful people. ‘Cause I would’ve given anything to see one African news anchor be like, “Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the Africa News Network.” “Tonight, we are covering the ongoing coronavirus pandemic that is ravaging the Western world.” “Many African scientists are asking if these people do not have themselves to blame.” [laughter] “Many of them have refused the advice of the World Health Organization, completely ignoring the social distancing methods.” “Some have even had to be shown how to wash their own hands.” [tsking] [audience laughing] “Savages.” [cheers and applause] “It appears what has been increasing the severity of this problem is the fact that some do not even want to wear masks across their face, saying, quote, ‘I cannot breathe through this piece of cloth.'” [laughter] “This is commonly known by scientists as ‘bitchass lungs syndrome.'” [laughter] “Back to you in the studio, Chippewa.” [cheers and applause] Would’ve given anything to see that. One of the biggest side effects of COVID that I didn’t expect is how stupid it would make human beings. [laughter] Yeah. If there’s one thing coronavirus did, it taught me how many of my friends are absolute idiots. Everyone studied at the University of Facebook. [laughter] Everyone’s a scientist. [chuckles] Everyone had a conspiracy theory. “You know what happened here. The government did this.” “Oh, the government?” “Yeah. The government did this.” “Why?” “To control us.” “You thought this gave them control?” [audience snickering] “You think governments wanted this?” Which do you think gives a government more control? A population that goes to work, earns money, buys things they can’t afford, get into debt, have to go back to work, do more of the thing they don’t like to get more money to pay the debt for the thing they didn’t need, for the thing they didn’t need or afford. To get more money to go to the job for the thing they don’t like, for the thing they didn’t need, to get the loan for the money for the thing they didn’t want, to get into more debt to get the thing they don’t want, to go to the job they don’t need for the money… Which do you think gives them more control? That? Or everyone just sitting at home with free money, thinking about life? [laughter] Everyone just sitting at home, like, “How come a weekend’s only two days?” [laughter] [Trevor chuckles] That’s a government’s worst nightmare. Conspiracies were stupid. Here’s the thing. I’m not against conspiracy theories. Right? Please understand that. I actually like a good conspiracy theory. In fact, I think everybody should hold one. I think, in your life, you should hold at least one good conspiracy theory. Yeah. Keeps you on your toes. [crowd chuckling] Don’t just trust everything everyone tells you. You gotta have one. Like, mine? My personal favorite? I believe that gluten is concentrated white privilege. [laughter] You know I’m right. [laughter continues] But COVID, oh, man, the conspiracies were ridiculous. Especially because I know what really happened. All right? That’s what frustrated me. No, I do. I knew exactly what caused COVID. I saw it coming and I didn’t say anything. My bad, by the way. I, uh… [laughter] Yeah, it was too much wishing. We wished too much. I saw it coming. You know, when I was young, wishing was something that was special. Didn’t happen that much. You had to have a special set of circumstances in order to make a wish. You’d find a clover with the right amount of leaves. Yeah? There’d be a star, shooting. “Where?” “There!” [gasps] Too late. [laughter] Or it had to be your birthday. They’d bring out the candles. And if you blew them all out, you could make a wish. And if you missed any, you died. [laughter] But then people just started wishing for anything, huh? Find an eyelash on their cheek… [dramatic gasp] “Make a wish!” Know how many of these shits are on your face at any given time? [laughter] People started wishing on, like, the time. Right? Be like, “11:11.” [laughter] “Make a wish!” That’s every day. [laughter] Twice a day on this side of the world, ’cause people don’t like big numbers. [laughter] You can’t wish every day. That’s not a special occasion. But people did it. People were wishing. Wishing, wishing, wishing. Everywhere. Even rappers got involved. “Oh, I wish a nigga would.” Would what? You can’t just leave it openended. [laughter] And that’s how we got COVID. All our wishes came together. And they all came true at the same time. And that’s what we got. Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie that gave us everything we asked for. [laughter] We all wished. How many people were rubbing that lamp at the beginning of 2020? Just wishing away, like, “Oh, I wish I didn’t have to go into the office every day.” “Oh!” [mimics whoosh] [evil chortling] [audience laughing] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” [laughter] Yeah, you wished not to go into the office. You forgot to wish that the office wouldn’t come into your house. [laughter] [scattered applause] Now you are stuck, every day, on Zoom, can’t blink, gotta make constant eye contact. “Uhhuh. Uhhuh. Uhhuh.” [laughter] “Yeah. Uhhuh. Uhhuh.” Had to find the one corner of your house that made it look like you had your shit together. [laughter] Everybody wished. And, boy, we got what we wished for. How many parents were rubbing that lamp? Wishing away? “Oh, I wish I could spend more time with my kids. Oh!” “Oh!” [mimics whoosh] [evil chortling] [audience laughing] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” [laughter] Yeah. A lot of parents realized the only reason you like your kids is because you only know them parttime. [laughter, applause] [scattered cheers, whistles] You meet them in the morning, send them off, tuck them in at night. It’s a pretty sweet gig. [laughter] But the next thing you know, everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7. Ooh, it was so fun to watch the parents flip. It was so fun. Remember at the beginning, all the parents were there, like, “You will not open the schools!” “My children are not going anywhere!” “I will protect them at all costs.” “I’m a mama bear and I’ll protect my cubs, you hear me?” “You will not open the schools until the virus is gone!” [laughter] Nine months later… [laughter continues] Those same parents were there, screaming on the stoop. “When are the goddamn schools opening?” [laughter] “You can’t expect me to spend all day with these kids! Who am I, their mom?!” [laughter] “They should be in school!” Kids are like, “But, Mommy, there’s a new variant out there.” “Listen, Timmy, at some point you’re gonna have to see what you’re made of, okay?” [laughter] “Either your lungs are gonna make it or they ain’t. All right, buddy?” “Now get on out there and see what you’re made of.” “If Simba could do it, so can you. Hakuna matata.” “Go on, buddy. Go on.” [laughter, applause] [Trevor laughing] We all wished! How many couples out there were wishing? [laughter] Rubbing away at that lamp. Looking into each other’s eyes. Like, “Damn, girl.” “I wish I could be locked in a room with you all day.” [laughter] “Mmm, mmm, mmm!” “Mmm, girl, I wish they would lock us up and throw away the key.” “The things I would do to you.” “Oh, yeah? What would you do to me?” “Girl, I wish they would tell us we could only see each other all day.” “All day.” [mimics whoosh, chortles evilly] [laughter] [malevolent voice] “Your wish is granted.” Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic. Lot of couples learned a lot during the pandemic. Lot of people realized that love may be unconditional, but “like” has a timelimit. [laughter] “‘Cause I love you, baby. I just don’t know if I like you anymore.” [laughter continues] It all started as so much fun, remember? In the beginning, it was like a sleepover. “Oh my God, this is so much fun!” And then the weeks turned into months. The months turned into years. And at some point, you’d be sitting in the house with a glaze over your eyes, and you’d hear them coughing on the other side. [mimics weak coughing] And you’d be like, “Yes.” [laughter] “Oh, yes, Jesus.” “Take them now, Lord.” “If it’s their time, it’s their time.” “Let thy will be done, Lord Jesus.” “I could use the extra office space.” [laughter] You know, one of the things that saddens me the most about the world we live in is that we oftentimes don’t have the luxury to process the whys. We know that things happen. We feel the things happening to us. But oftentimes, we don’t make the time or don’t have the time to process the why. Why were we so angry? Why did we fight each other so much? We had no compassion for each other. We were the worst of ourselves. And you know, if you ask me, it’s because… we were scared. As humans, we’ve become so comfortable knowing, that we forget how uncertain life is. We get taught every single day that “we know, we know, we know.” We get comfortable knowing, so you think you’ll always know. “What’s the traffic gonna be like?” You know. “What’s the weather gonna be like?” You know. “Oh, it’ll rain on Thursday.” Understand what a magic trick that is? If you had that technology 500 years ago, you’re like, “It’ll rain Thursday,” people will be like… [mimics tribal chanting] [audience laughing] We take that for granted, but it’s also made us forget that life is uncertain. We don’t know. The pandemic showed it. It exposed every one of us. And I think the thing we need to take a moment to think about is the why. Why were we so angry? Why were we so frustrated? It wasn’t because of movies, it wasn’t because we couldn’t go out to parties, it wasn’t because we couldn’t go to the mall, any of that shit. It’s because we lost each other. I lost you. You lost me. [cheers and applause] We lost this. You know? That’s the real thing people were frustrated about. And what made it worse was governments made it seem like they knew. I think that’s the thing that made it worse. They were so confident, they made it seem like they knew. They said it would be 21 days. [laughter] Twentyone days. I will never forget that number. ‘Cause we didn’t ask why. Right? We heard of China building a 10,000person hospital overnight. None of us asked, “Why?” [laughter] We were just like, “Ah, China.” “They love building shit.” [laughter continues] I remember how confident world leaders were as well. Some more cocky than others. One of my favorites was Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson. Yeah. He was an interesting one. [laughter] He went to a hospital during the pandemic, and he was hugging people. Like, right at the beginning, he was hugging people. Journalists asked him, “Prime Minister Johnson, do you think it’s appropriate to be hugging people during…” He’s like, “First of all, everyone needs to calm down. This is not a pandemic.” “Look at my hair. Do I look stressed? Everybody needs to calm down.” “Nothing… Everything is fine. I can touch people.” “We’re not shutting down. Everything stays open.” “The pubs will stay open, the football stays open.” “Excuse me, I have to go…” [dramatic vocalizations] He was just gone. He didn’t give a shit. You know? America’s president, oh, he was even cockier. Yeah. You see him when he came out? Donald J. Trump? Oh, he had all the swag. He was like, “Folks, we’re gonna have it handled.” “In 21 days, 21 days.” [laughter] “The virus will be gone, 21 days.” “Some are even saying 20.” [laughter, applause] That disease came and kicked Trump and Boris deep in the chest. Both men went to the ICU, almost died. Only reason they survived is because they’re both heads of state. They gave them that secret juice. Boris, to his credit, he came out of that hospital like he had seen Jesus. [laughter] He came from the hospital, held a press conference, shut everything down. He came there, barely dressed, like, “Everybody, this is not a joke.” “I’ve seen it for myself. The UK’s shutting down.” “Please, football’s gone. The pubs are gone.” “Do not take this lightly. I’ve experienced it myself.” “I promise, this is not fun. I can’t talk, I have to go.” “Please, I can’t talk. I have to…” And he was just gone. Gone! That man was terrified. I was halfexpecting coronavirus to come around the corner. Like… [clicking] [audience laughing, applauding] [cheering] Trump, on the other hand, didn’t give a damn. That man will die from being stubborn. He came out of the hospital, could barely breathe, but still held a press conference. Didn’t even speak. Was just like… [dramatic wheezing] [audience laughing] [continues wheezing] [laughter continues] [mimics Trump] “If I can do it…” [wheezes] “…so can you.” [audience laughing, cheering] [laughing] Ah, man. [cheers and applause] I honestly don’t get how anybody voted for that man. [laughter] I really don’t get it. [crowd cheering] And by the way, I don’t mean politically. All right? I understand. People will vote for the politics they wanna vote for. I get that. What I don’t understand is why people voted for him. What was even crazier was that some people voted for him and then were disappointed by who he was. [laughter] That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. People were like, “I can’t believe what he’s doing.” “I can’t believe what he’s doing.” “I’m sorry, you can’t believe what’s happening?” “Donald Trump. Can you believe this?” “Can I believe he’s doing the same thing he’s been doing his whole life?” “Yeah, I can’t believe this. This is shock” “You’re shocked?” Donald Trump is the least shocking human being I’ve ever come across in my life. He is consistently being himself. The man is a clichéd villain. Looks like a villain, talks like a villain. He looks like he should be in a ScoobyDoo episode. [laughter, applause] With that face, with that vibe? You could see him in the lineup when they’re trying to solve the crime. “Who do you think it is, Scoob?” Be like, “Oh, it wasn’t me, I’ll tell you that much.” “I didn’t do anything. I’m innocent.” [as Trump] “I’m innocent. So innocent.” [laughter] “Some say, the most innocent man who’s ever lived.” Be like, “Yeah, I think it’s that guy.” [laughter] I just don’t get it. Why would you vote…? I mean, actually… I get it, but I don’t understand. ‘Cause what I get and I’ve realized is, in the United States of America, if you want to win an election, all you need to have is a strange voice. [crowd chuckling] Simple as that. Wanna be president of the United States? Get a strange voice, you’re done. Yeah, forget policies, forget ideas. That’s boring. You come out there, “Here are my” “Boo!” “Normalsoundingass bitch.” [laughter] No. You come out there with a strange voice, the people love it. You realize there’s been no American president who has a normal speaking voice. None. You can go back as far as you want. None of them spoke normal. None. Go back as far as… Like, JFK. JFK. He didn’t speak normal. He had that thing. [mimics trebly voice] “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your…” That’s not normal. [laughter] Don’t care what anybody says. That’s not normal. You’re telling me that man was standing in a McDonald’s, ordering food with that voice? Like, “Could I please get a number one, medium, with fries.” “And I’ll also have a McFlurry, please.” “What do you mean the ice cream machine is broken?” [laughter] That’s not normal. No American presidents speak normal. None. Bill Clinton. He didn’t speak normal. He always did that thing where it sounded like he was trying to seduce the audience. You know? Like… [gravelly, seductive voice] “I did not have sexual relations…” [laughter] “…with that woman.” [sleazy chuckle] What are you doing? [laughter] No American president spoke normal. None of them. George Bush, he didn’t speak normal. Always did that weird chuckly thing. [Southern accent] “Gonna find the people that did this, and then bomb a totally different country.” [snarky chuckle] [laughter] “Fool me once…” [snarky chuckle] That’s not normal. No American president spoke normal. None. Barack Obama, he didn’t speak normal. Always did that thing where it sounded like his voice was buffering. “Uh…” [laughter] “Uh… as Americans, uh, we gotta try to get, uh… faster internet.” [laughter, cheers] That’s not normal. Joe Biden, he doesn’t speak normal. You kidding me? He just fades into mumbles every time he gives a speech. [laughter] Not normal. He’ll be up there, like, “That’s why the most important thing to understand…” [mumbling] “…the dreams of the finest negroes. Come on, man.” [laughter] “Come on. Please.” “I mean it.” “Come on.” That’s not normal. Trump, that was the weirdest of all. [laughter] Every other American president was predictable. You understood the ebb and flow. Trump, you never knew what to expect. All right? The volume on his voice, all over the place. Inflection where it didn’t make sense. Do you know how hard it was to figure out where to put the volume on your TV when watching his speech? [laughter] I had to sit there and ride it like a shitty DJ the whole time. As he would speak. Because you wouldn’t know when it’d happen. He’d be up there, “I think, as Americans, we try and try, so try, big trying.” [laughter] “All trying.” “I know this. I do.” “But I know and I think if we can, we can, but we won’t, but we will, but maybe. But…” [laughter] What? [cheers and applause] It’s not normal. That’s why I laugh whenever I come to Canada and watch your news. [laughter] Every time I come to Canada, I turn on the news, and they’ll be like, “There’s a Canadian scandal happening.” “Justin Trudeau in another scandal.” He has the most adorable scandals. You kidding me? Compared to American presidents? What? They’re like, “He’s scandalous.” “Has he been convicted of anything? Then shut the hell up.” [laughter] Be like, “He’s scandalous.” He’s got the terrible… “He slept at a rich man’s house.” [chortling] Ah, that’s adorable. [laughter] My favorite scandal of Justin Trudeau’s, by far, is the one where he went on a trip to India. [laughter] And then became Indian. [laughter, applause] That has to be one of the greatest scandals of all time. I remember when it broke. He took off. He was wearing a suit. He left Canada. Waving on the plane. “Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.” Got on, flew to India, landed. Doors opened, and he came out, and he was already halfIndian. [laughter] Had the jacket on. But what was crazy was that as the trip progressed, he became more and more Indian each day. Clearly, no one’s telling him what’s happening on the news in Canada, because Canadians were losing it. Like, “This is disrespectful! How can you do this, eh?” And he was out there becoming more and more Indian. It started with the top, and then he went down to the pants. He had the full outfit. Then he had the headdress. My favorite was when he walked into a meeting with Indian dignitaries and they were all wearing suits. [laughter] [applause] This man walked into that meeting looking like he was about to audition for Baat Ban. You were like, “What the hell is this?” [laughter] He was getting so Indian that I was hoping a moment would come where he’d be in the middle of a speech, and I was just hoping suddenly he’d be like… “Can I just say how proud I am of the work we’ve done together?” “As Canadians and as Indians…” [singing] ♪ …we… ♪ [rhythmic vocalizations] [laughter, applause] [vocalizing in Indian musical style] [cheers and applause] I was hoping that would happen. I was waiting for it. “The biggest scandal of all time.” “He became Indian.” [laughter] I don’t think it was that bad. I just think he tries too hard, to be honest. You know, I think Justin Trudeau tries too hard. Tries too hard to show he’s compassionate. Tries too hard, you know? I don’t think it’s that bad. And look, I’m biased. I know I’m biased. I am. Because I… I too have Trudeau’d. [laughter] I’ll… Yeah. I’ll confess it here tonight. I too have Trudeau’d, Canada. [crowd chuckling] I too have tried too hard to connect with a group of people, and… it did not go well. [laughter] My story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland. [scattered cheers] Beautiful place. If you’ve never been, go. Stunning. Everything. The place is full of history. The people are lovely and warm. The place isn’t, but the people are. [laughter] Everything is old. They love telling you that. Everywhere you’ll go in Edinburgh, people will be like, “How old d’ya think that bridge is?” Like, “I don’t know.” They’re like, “Three hundred years old.” Like, “Oh, okay.” They be like, “That church, 500 years old.” “Meet my son, 800 years old.” [laughter] “He looks six.” “Aye. Scottish workmanship.” [laughter] But they’re a wonderful people. It was really great out there. We were there for a comedy festival, okay? And… what I do whenever I’m traveling is, if I get to be in the same place as my friends, we try and spend as much time together. And what we’ll do is we’ll order food or we’ll go out, and when we do that, we allow one person to designate the meal. Nobody negotiates. Everybody gets to pick a day. And so, whenever my day comes around, consistently I pick Indian food. All right? Yeah, I think it’s the best cuisine in the world. Nothing comes close. [cheering] You don’t agree with me, let’s meet in the parking lot and we can fight. [laughter] I love Indian food. Loved it my whole life. We’re in Edinburgh. I’m with friends. “Where are we going?” “Trevor, what do you say?” I’m like, “Indian food.” “Every time!” “Yes, every time, Indian food.” “It’s always the same.” “Then why keep asking?” “If you know, you know. Stop asking me.” [laughter] And I searched for where we were gonna go. I always try and find the most authentic Indian restaurant I can find. I mean, like, authentic Indian restaurants. You know? What I’ll do is I’ll go to a place, and then I’ll ask around. I’ll ask people, like, “Where do you go?” Then like, where the white people tell me, I don’t go there. [laughter] [Trevor chuckles] So I found this authentic spot. And it was… I was so happy. Now, the reason it had to be so authentic, just so you understand a little bit of me… I grew up in South Africa, as you know. Right? Now, what a lot of people may not know is that South Africa has one of the largest Indian populations outside of India. All right? One of the largest Indian populations outside of India. I know Canada’s number one now. [laughter] But when I was growing up, we had the single largest population of Indians outside of India. Yeah. So if India blew up… [mimics explosion] We were India. [laughter] It was that close. And so I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded by Indian culture. In fact, one of my best friends growing up was a little Indian boy by the name of Theesan Pillay. And we were thick as thieves. I don’t think you understand. Every day, we hung out together. We spent our recesses together. We’re hanging out, eating, everything together. Because we had so many things in common. We met at the beginning of the school year, and we had so many things in common. Like, he liked running. I liked running. So… [laughter] Theesan and I would spend every day together. And our ritual was simple. We’d go to all the classes we did, and then we’d meet at what we called break time. At break time, we’d sit and eat lunch together. Now, our lunches were very different. All right? Because Theesan would get a packed lunch from his mom every single day. I would get money from my mom to buy food from the school tuck shop. Right? Cafeteria. Right? So I’d go and buy the food every day. ‘Cause my mom couldn’t cook, right? Well, she tried once, and I was like, “Don’t do this ever again.” [laughter] “This is child abuse.” “Just give me the money.” So, I would buy the food every day. Theesan, on the other hand, had food that his mom made every day. And every day, the meal was curry. I know this because every day, we’d sit down together, Theesan would open his little lunchbox, he’d take out his little can of juice, he’d unwrap his sandwich with little triangles cut out. And then he’d pull it out, he’d open the bread, look inside, and then he’d scream at the top of his lungs. He’d be like, “Curry!” [laughter] “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every day. Every day, we’d sit down, I’d have my food, he’d have his. He’d take the juice out of the box, unwrap the sandwich, look in between, and be like, “Curry!” “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every single day. Without fail. Every day. Mutton curry. Lamb curry. Potato curry. Every curry you can imagine. But it was curry every single day. “Curry!” It was my favorite part of the day. [laughter] Some days, I wouldn’t even open my lunch for fear of missing the moment. I would just sit there next to him, waiting. And he’d open it up and be like, “Curry!” And I’d mouth it next to him. “Damn it, Mommy.” [laughter] Every day for months and months and months and months, this happened. And then finally, finally, at the risk of breaking it all, I turn to Theesan one day, he screams, like, “Curry!” “Damn it, Mommy.” And I was like, “Theesan.” “You know it’s gonna be curry every day.” [audience chuckling] He said, “What?” [laughter] I said, “It’s gonna be curry every single day.” “Every day, you open the bread, and then, every day, you’re shocked and you’re like, ‘Curry! Damn it, Mommy.'” “But it’s always gonna be curry.” And he said, “I know, Trevor. I know.” “I’m not shocked. I’m just disappointed.” [laughter] “Right? Because every single day, right, I come to school, and then every day, I’m like, ‘I wanna eat lunch.'” “And every day, I open the box and I know what it’s gonna be because last night, we had the curry.” “Then what my mom does is she takes last night’s curry, then she put it in a sandwich for me, and then that’s the curry I’m gonna have today.” “Then I know when I go home tonight, I’m gonna eat the curry I know is coming the next day.” “So every single day, I’m getting curry.” “It’s curry and then there’s gonna be more curry.” “Trevor, I know I’m Indian, but it’s too much, man.” [laughter] “I just want something different, you know?” “They say variety’s the spice of life, not just curry.” [laughter continues] I was like, “Ah, but, Theesan, is it… Like, is it bad?” He said, “I don’t even know anymore.” [laughter] “I lost perspectives.” “Here, you can have it.” And he gave me his curry sandwich. I bit it. And, Toronto, there are moments in your life… [laughter] …that’ll forever shape who you are. [laughter continues] Moments that will define who you grow on to be. This was one of those moments. I put that sandwich in my mouth, I bit down, and my mouth came alive. My tongue discovered its purpose. I didn’t know potatoes could pop like that. The flavors were bouncing around. [audience cheering] My eyes opened wide. It was… I was like, “Wow!” I was like, “Curry!” [laughter] “Thank you, Mommy.” [laughter, applause] And I said, “Theesan, this is amazing. You eat this every day?” And he’s like, “Every damn day.” [laughter] And I was like, “Okay, let’s swap.” “I’ll give you my money for tuck shop, and then you give me your curry food, every day.” And we did that. We traded. Let me tell you something. You thought we were best friends before, we turned into soulmates. [laughter] Yeah, because we both got everything we dreamed of. All right? I got to have a homecooked meal every single day. And as an Indian person, he got to start a business. Theesan was in heaven. [laughter] It was perfect. [applause] And since then, I’ve loved curry. So, fastforward many decades. Edinburgh, Scotland. Going out with my friends. We’re choosing a spot. I choose Indian. Authentic Indian. We get to the place, and it’s legit. Like, it is legit. We walk in and there’s Indian music playing. There are Indian people eating. Indian cooks in the back. Indian waiters. Indian garbs on the wall. I’m like, “This is it. I’m home.” [laughter] We walked in, sat down. And as soon as we sat, one of my friends, Steve, launches for the menu. And I was like, “Steve, Steve.” “It’s cool. I’ll just order for everyone at the table.” And he’s like, “Oh, that’s fine, Trevor. I’ll order for myself, thank you.” I was like, “No, it’s not about that, Steve.” “I just prefer to order for all of us, yeah?” “All right? You good?” He’s like, “Uh, I don’t know why that’s necessary. I…” “I think I’ll just order for myself. Is that okay?” I was like, “It’s not, no. It’s not okay, Steve.” [laughter] “It’s not okay. All right?” “Because you’re probably gonna say some shit that’s gonna embarrass me in front of my Indian people. All right?” “So I just need you to back off for a moment.” He’s like, “I’m sorry. What would I say that could embarrass you in front of Indian people?” I was like, “I don’t know, and I don’t want it to happen.” “Just let me handle this, okay?” He’s like, “Let you handle this?” “Trevor, I’ll have you know that I’ve eaten curry for many, many years.” I’m like, “Steve, not the time. Just let’s not argue, okay? Not the time.” He’s like, “What do you mean? Why would I embarrass you? Why?” I was like, “You don’t need to know why. Let’s just not.” “No, why? Because I’m white?” I was like, “You brought it up, not me. All right?” “I wasn’t gonna bring up race, but you did.” “You brought it up. Let’s talk about it.” Every time I take my white friends to an ethnic restaurant, they always say some shit that embarrasses me. Every single time. Every time. Either they don’t know how to pronounce the food or they’ll say some random shit. Like, “Can I get that one? The papadums?” “What do you call these ones?” “Can I get this one, but not spicy?” “Kill yourself!” [laughter] “Can I get the curry, but not spicy?” “Kill yourself!” [laughter] How you gonna ask for curry but not spicy? That’s the whole point of curry. You want curry without the spice. What, do you go to a sushi restaurant and ask for the fish slightly boiled? [laughter] “Don’t want the spice.” “Your forefathers went around the world killing people for this spice!” “Now you don’t want it?” [laughter] [cheers and applause] “Shut up and eat the spice, Steve.” And he’s like, “Trevor, I really don’t understand where this is coming from.” “All right? I’m not gonna embarrass you. I understand curry.” I was like, “Let’s just leave it at that. I’ve got you.” “I understand this way more than you.” He’s like, “I’m sorry, you’re not more Indian than me.” Like, “I’m sorry, what?” Like, “Yeah, you are not more Indian than me.” I was like, “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.” [laughter] “What the hell is that?” “Exactly.” “Don’t tell me I’m not more Indian than you.” “You shut up. When the waiter comes in…” He’s like, “I’m not gonna shut up.” Like, “You shut up!” Like, “Okay, fine. Order, then.” The waiter walks over, this beautiful Indian man, got his beautiful Indian garb, and he steps up. And I know Steve. I can see him questioning my authority out of the corner of my eye. And that’s when I Trudeau’d. [laughter] I was just a little too hyped. I wanted to show him that these were my people. As the waiter got there, I didn’t let him speak. I just jumped up and was like… [Indian accent] “Good evening.” [laughter] “I’m going to be ordering for the entire table, please.” [laughter continues] “Could we please have three garlic roll naans?” “We’re going to have, uh, three rumali rotis.” “Give us one shahi paneer, one palak paneer.” [audience cheering] “You know what? We’re going to have a rogan josh. Lamb, of course.” [laughter] “Could we also please have one butter chicken for my Caucasian friends?” [laughter, applause] “And then we’re going to have three samosas and three mango lassis to wash it all down.” “Thank you very much.” [laughter] I crushed it. [cheers and applause] I could feel it. Everyone could feel it. They could feel something. [laughter] ‘Cause the table went dead. [laughter] The waiter just stared at me. At first I thought he was impressed. Then I realized he was confused. [laughter] And this Indian man leans in, looks me dead in the eye, and he’s like… [Scottish accent] “Sorry, sir, could you repeat what you said?” [laughter, applause] “I canna hear what you were saying. You got a bit of an accent.” [laughter] And I was like, “Oh, shit!” [laughter] “He’s Scottish!” I mean, I know he’s Scot… We’re in Scotland. Scottish… But, like, he’s Indian! I didn’t expect that, right? Because the whole place is Indian. Indian restaurant, people were Indian. Indian garbs on the wall. The guy was Indian. His beard was Indian. But his mouth was Shrek. I didn’t expect that. [laughter] And now he didn’t understand me. ‘Cause I Trudeau’d too much. [laughter] I didn’t need to try so hard. But then I realized I also couldn’t stop. [laughter] ‘Cause that would be racist. [laughter] So now, I’ve got this ScottishIndian man looking at me. Everyone’s quiet, and he’s like, “If you don’t mind, laddie, could you order again, a little slower this time?” “I didna hear what ya said.” [Indian accent] “You want me to place the entire order again?” [laughter] [Scottish accent] “Aye, if you don’t mind. I’m ready whenever you are.” [Indian accent] “I think everybody can order for themselves at the table. I…” “I don’t think it’s necessary to hold their hands.” “Everybody can order individually.” “And we can go from there, okay? We can go from there.” Steve was like, “Oh, I wish I could, but I’m so afraid I might offend someone. I…” [laughter] “I think my friend here should order for us. Please, Trevor, go ahead.” “Go ahead. You’re far more cultured than I am.” I said, “No, Steve, please. You can try your hand.” “I’m sure you know what you want.” He’s like, “No, but what if I say something embarrassing?” “The last thing I’d want to do is offend another person’s culture, Trevor.” “You can’t offend anybody. There are no mistakes here, okay?” “We are all friends, okay?” “If anybody make a mistake, we forget about it.” “In fact, whatever happens today, we’re all gonna forget about it, okay?” “Just order. Just order.” He’s like, “No, I really wish I could, but Trevor, please go on.” I said, “No, just order, Steve.” “No, please, Trevor.” I was like, “Order, bastard!” [laughter] “Just order!” The waiter was like, “Hey, there’s no need to fight amongst yourselves.” “Look, clearly your friend’s a little uncomfortable.” “Right? Just order for him.” [Indian accent] “Yes, it’s totally uncomfortable.” “Okay, could we please have, um… uh, three rumali rotis, and… three garlic naan, uh, one shahi paneer, one palak paneer, and, uh, could we also get a lamb rogan josh?” “And we’re also going to be having, uh, one butter chicken” “For your Caucasian friends?” [laughter] “For anybody. For anybody.” “Anybody can enjoy different types of curry. They don’t all have to be spicy.” “It doesn’t matter, as long as you participate.” “There is no wrong way.” “Oh, you’re so understanding, Trevor.” “Yes. Yes, I am.” [laughter] “Could we, um, also please get, uh” [mimics phone buzzing] [audience laughing] [continues mimicking buzzing] [audience chuckling] [continues mimicking buzzing] [laughter] [Scottish accent] “Aren’t you gonna answer that?” [continues mimicking buzzing] [laughter] [Indian accent] “No, they can call me back later.” [continues buzzing] [Scottish accent] “It’s getting awkward. Just answer your phone. I’ll wait.” [buzzing] [Indian accent] “Okay.” [buzzing] [laughter] [mimics button click] [audience laughing] [Indian accent] “Hello?” [audience laughing] “Yes, this is Trevor speaking. How can I help you?” [laughter] “Yes, no, one and the same. Can you get to the point?” “I can’t talk right now. Can you…” “Can you tell me what you need? I can’t speak for too long. Can you…” “No, there is nothing wrong with my voice. Can you just get…” [laughter] “No, everything’s fine. No, I have not been kidnapped. No.” “I have not been kidnapped. Everything is fine.” “This is not a secret message. Just, can you tell me what you need?” “No, we can talk later then. We” “No, yeah, my voice is like this sometimes. Don’t worry about that.” “Just No, and I think I know my voice.” “I know my voice also.” “Well, I’ve been me my whole life, okay?” “Okay, fine. We’ll talk later. We’ll talk later.” “Okay, okay, okay. Love you too, Mommy. Byebye.” [laughter, applause] Most awkward meal I’ve ever had in my life. I barely ate a thing. I just sat there thinking about my life. [laughter] We finally get up to leave. Steve is beaming from ear to ear. [laughter] They walk out ahead of me, and as I’m leaving the restaurant, the waiter waves us off. [Scottish accent] “Good night, everybody! Have a great night.” And we wave at him. He’s like, “Excuse me, before you go, hey.” “Aren’t you Trevor Noah?” [laughter] “The comedian, right?” I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, why?” He’s like, “Oh, no, because…” [Indian accent] “I totally got you, Trevor!” [laughter] “I totally got you, Trevor!” [laughter continues] Like, “Wait, wait, what…?” “Wait, you’re Indian?” He’s like, “Of course I’m Indian!” “Of course I’m Indian! Whole place is Indian!” “I totally got you, huh?” I said, “I don’t understand.” He’s like, “You don’t understand?” “You walked in. I said, ‘Look, Trevor Noah’s coming.'” “Then you start talking with accent. I go, ‘I’ll also do accent.'” “Then you were doing accent. Then I do accent.” “Then you were doing accent. You make joke, I make joke.” “Do you like joke?” I was like, “No, I don’t like your joke!” “I thought I was about to get canceled! You see this shit?” He’s like, “It was amazing. You were sweating so hard! Not from the curry, eh?” “That was so funny, Trevor!” I was like, “It was not funny. My friends were laughing at me.” Like, “I know.” Like, “I was scared, man. Why would you do that?” Like, “Because, Trevor, I take great joy in the pain and suffering of others.” [audience laughing] “It’s called schadenfreude.” Yo, Toronto! You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much for coming out! [cheers and applause] I love you all. Good night! [midtempo rock beat plays] [cheers continue] I love you guys so much. Good night, everybody. [audience cheering] [music continues] [cheers continue, muted] [cheers fading] [music continues] [music fades out]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Neal Brennan: Blocks (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-blocks-transcript/

[gentle music playing] [audience applauding] [audience cheering] All right, let me explain. Friend of mine… “Former friend,” we’ll call her. [audience laughter] …is an artist, right? And the theme of our friendship is kind of feeling alone in the world. Right? So I wrote this show, which is about that feeling. And I sent her the script and I was like, “Hey, can you make a backdrop for me?” She’s like, “I got you.” And then two days ago, she sends me this. [audience laughter] Which feels less like alienation and more like a second grade speech therapist’s office. [audience laughter] I’m like, “How am I supposed to arrange these things?” She’s like, “Oh, you’ll figure it out.” [audience laughter] So, I’m going to be talking to you guys… all night, but, I’m going to be preoccupied with trying to satisfy her. None of this should surprise me. Is your life going smoothly? [audience laughter] Are you just floating from event to event, feeling good about yourself? ‘Cause I’m not. Most interactions I have feel like when you go to throw something away and it’s in one of those garbage cans that’s got a garbage hole, a recycling hole, and a compost hole. You do your best, but after you’re like, “I don’t think I did that right.” [audience laughter] That’s how I feel most of the time. Going through life feeling like I fucked up, and I’m going to get in trouble. I worry that my final thought on Earth, on my deathbed, is going to be, “Is that nurse mad at me?” [imitates flatline beep] [audience laughter] These are technically the areas of my life that make me feel like something’s wrong with me. Some of them are more important than others. We can start small. We’ll start with dogs. Right? So, I never had pets growing up, right? But I watch videos of dogs and they’re so funny and loving, and soldiers come back from overseas, the dog’s freaking out, the soldier’s freaking out, the dog’s fucking his face. I’m like, you know what? I should get a dog. [audience laughter] So I get a pit bull named Keith. And um, everybody told me, “Keith’s going to be your best friend.” And I gotta say, maybe my ninth-best friend. [audience laughter] Like, we’re cool, but whatever that thing is that opens up between humans and animals just never opened up. And then I go, “Do I not understand human-dog relationships or am I the only person who understands human-dog relationships?” ‘Cause everybody asks the same question, “Is he a rescue?” Yeah, they’re all rescues. [audience laughter] None of these dogs are thriving on their own. [audience laughter] Never heard a story like, “Where’d you get your Labradoodle?” “Went into Bank of America. She was the manager.” [audience laughter] “Now she’s our full-time Labradoodle.” I shouldn’t even say I rescued it. People love patting themselves on the back. “We rescued it, saved it, adopted it.” No, you didn’t. Here’s what happened to your dog, my dog, every dog. The dog was born into a litter, kidnapped, given to you. [audience laughter] “No, Neal. You don’t understand. I’m a dog mom.” Really? You know who else was a dog mom? That dog’s mom. [audience laughter] [applause] We think because we talk to dogs like they’re babies, they’re babies. They’re not. They’re our captives. Right? But we think because we go, “Are you a pretty girl?” Pitch your voice down. See what a monster you are. “Are you a pretty girl?” [audience laughter] “We can go outside. I have to put a chain around your neck.” [audience laughter] “Do a trick for me. I’ll give you a tiny morsel of food.” [audience laughter] “You’re my best friend.” [audience laughter] We try to make movies about it romanticizing the relationship, like Marley & Me. You know what a dog sees in Marley & Me? He sees Taken, but Liam Neeson never shows up. [audience laughter] [sighs] And, by the way, I think it’s my fault. Something’s wrong with me. Uh… So I’d read books about loving dogs… Just… Like, okay, so is this thing… Is this for my LGBT joke? Or is she trying to tell me I’m on the spectrum? [audience laughter] Even groups you’d think I’d feel like I’m a part of, I don’t feel like I’m a part of. Like… liberals. Clearly liberal. Look at me. Bone-thin. [audience laughter] I look like Rachel Maddow with a beard. [audience laughter] But I don’t feel like part of the group, ’cause liberals are the least-welcoming people on the planet. Republicans are having a blast. Grabbing pussy, shooting guns like Westworld. [audience laughter] Republicans get to be greedy. Republicans care about themselves, their families, rich people, that’s it. Liberals got to care about everybody. Not fetuses. But everybody else. Am I right, liberals? [exclaiming] Fuck a fetus. Who’s with me, liberals? [audience exclaiming] I will punt a fetus down Wilshire if I see one. [audience laughter] The problem being liberal is there’s no amount of liberal that’s liberal enough. If there’s a bunch of Republicans and someone goes, “I’m a Republican.” They go, “Come on in.” If there’s a bunch of liberals and a liberal goes, “Hey, I’m liberal,” they’re like, “We’ll see.” [audience laughter] You can believe the right shit as a liberal, but if you express it incorrectly, you’re fucked. It’s terrifying. Ever try to talk about transgender issues in public? Even right now you’re like, “We don’t gotta do this.” [audience laughter] “Don’t go out like your boy. Just move on.” [audience laughter] [audience cheering] But that’s exactly my point. It’s terrifying. I’m sure we all believe the right shit, but you ever… Trying to talk about transgender issues in public is like playing conversational Jenga. You’re like… “Pronouns…” “He… They…” Then Republicans are like, “Trannies? We’ll call ’em trannies?” [thud] [audience laughter] “What happened here? You guys playing Jenga?” [audience laughter] “I fucking love Jenga. Rack ’em up.” There’s a lot of little conundrums as a liberal, right? Like, I live in Venice, California, in LA. [man whoops] Yeah. And there’s a lot of homeless people in Venice. But I’m from New York, so it’s hard to take LA homeless people seriously. [audience laughter] It’s like once you work with the best, you know? [audience laughter] So… So one day I get home, and I got an… email. Paper email. A letter, we’ll call it. [audience laughter] The letter says, “We’re opening a homeless shelter.” As a liberal, that’s great. I keep reading. It says, “Across the street from your house.” I was like, “Oh shit.” [audience laughter] It was like being on a game show like How Liberal Are You? Like, “Uh…” [audience laughter] “I wrote a Black TV show.” [audience laughter] Yeah. My neighbors want to protest and shit. I’m not going to protest. I’m going to move. But I’m not going to… [audience laughter] No, I didn’t move. They opened the shelter. It’s not bad. It’s fine. How Liberal Are You? would be a funny game show, wouldn’t it? “You’re at an airport and a Muslim-looking man asks you to watch his luggage while he prays.” How Liberal Are You? [audience laughter] “Pass!” [audience laughter] You know who’s a liberal conundrum, as a person? Kanye. Yeah, ’cause when Kanye first started, he said, “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people.” Conservatives were like, “He needs to shut the fuck up.” Liberals were like, “Let him speak.” Then he started saying how much he liked Trump and liberals were like, “He does need to shut the fuck up.” [audience laughter] People at this point are just exhausted by Kanye. People are like, “That guy’s fucking crazy.” Yeah. No kidding. He’s a rapper. Since when do you rely on rappers for their emotional stability? [audience laughter] What’s your argument? “Back in my day, there was a guy named Flavor Flav.” [audience laughter] “And he’d walk around and say, ‘You know what time it is!'” “And we did know. He had a fucking giant clock on his chest.” [audience laughter] “There was another fella named DMX who’d smoke crack and bark at people.” [audience laughter] “He’d go…” [barks] “And we knew where he stood.” [audience laughter] “His bark was as good as his word.” [audience laughter] “There was another named Eminem who’d make albums about murdering his wife.” “These are normal people we are talking about.” This. Maybe she’ll like this. Yeah, guns. I lose liberals on guns. I would like to, before I talk about this, say that I am afraid of guns, but it turns out the cops are too. [chuckles] [audience cheering and applauding] What’s the lesson we’re supposed to learn from Uvalde? Right? From Uvalde, Texas. Are we supposed to just… It’s always got to be a good guy with a gun? That’s the only way to stop it? Right? Everyone… The whole country’s going to be good guys with guns. Everywhere you go, “Freeze!” “You freeze!” “I’m already frozen!” Just fucking… [audience laughter] Also, if it’s up to us to stop guns, you know, speeding kills thousands of people every year. Are we supposed to stop that too? We’re supposed to run them off the road? If we see a speeder coming up, “You know what they say, the only thing that stops bad guy in a car is a good guy in a car.” Neew! [audience laughter] Yeah, my problem with guns is I don’t buy either side’s arguments completely. So the conservative argument is that guns are in the Constitution because the Founding Fathers thought if the citizens have guns the government will do what they say or else the people will rise up and fight the government. Which is a legitimately great idea in the 1700s, but… problem is, there’s still people now hoarding weapons thinking that, at some point, they may need to take on the American military, and they think they have a shot, right? [audience laughter] And look, maybe they’re right, which is why I’m proposing we test their theory, and once a year have a head-to-head showdown. [audience laughing, cheering] Say 100 members of the NRA versus, I don’t know, two members of the military. [audience laughter] Broadcast it on Fox, Christmas Day. [audience laughter] “Merry Christmas and welcome to the 2022 NRA-Military Showdown.” “Let’s go down to the field of battle, meet one of our NRA combatants.” “What’s your name? What kind of weapon?” “My name’s Andy Baker, and I got an AR-15, wearing Kevlar head-to-toe.” “How confident are you on a scale of 1 to 10?” “Fuckin’ a million.” [audience laughter] “We’re going to check in with the military.” They cut to one guy by himself, in a bunker, and he’s like, “My name is Staff Sgt. Jeremiah Walker.” “What kind of weapon are you working with?” “I don’t know if this is fair, but I’m working with a drone.” [audience laughter] “It’s equipped with eight Hellfire missiles and a high-power camera.” “As you can see on this monitor, the NRA fellas are in one big cluster.” [audience laughter] “So, I’m going to…” “We started? All right.” [audience laughter] “Yeah, so I’m going to hit this button right here.” [audience laughter] “Yeah, now they’re all dead.” [audience laughter] “That’ll do it for this year’s NRA-Military Showdown.” [audience cheering and clapping] “Brought to you by Whole Foods.” [audience laughter] You know the NRA guys would be like, “We can take ’em next year. Just got to split up.” [audience laughter] That’s the conservative argument, and the liberal argument is that, uh, the gun stats in America are just horrifying, right? And they are on their face, right? 40,000 gun deaths a year. Which is awful. But, you know what they never tell you? You know how many of those are suicides? Two-thirds are suicides. No one ever knows that. So whenever there’s a mass shooting on television, which are legitimately tragic, liberals always run on TV and say, “We don’t need mental health care. We need common-sense gun control.” No. How about both? Right? How about one question at the point of sale? Find out who’s depressed, who isn’t, and two-thirds of gun deaths right there. Guy comes in and they go, “Before we sell you this weapon, can we just look at your browser history real quick?” [audience laughter] He goes, “Sir, you’ve been listening to Lana Del Rey.” [audience laughter] “And staring at pictures of your ex. We’re not going to give you a gun today, but we are going to give you a bag of mushrooms and a copy of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” [audience laughter] [audience clapping and cheering] “You’re gonna be back on your feet and talking with your butt cheeks in no time.” [audience laughter] So now we’re down to about 13,000 gun deaths a year, which is atrocious. But, by the way, you know how many people the flu kills in the average year? 50,000. If you’re worried you’ll be murdered by a gun, think about how scared you are of dying from the flu… You’re not. …divide it by three, and I’ll meet you there. By the way, do you see how I think myself into isolated, asshole-y positions? About everything for as long as I can remember. Even I hear myself sometimes and I’m like, “Just shut the fuck up.” I got to be the only person who was ever asked, “Would you rather be right or happy?” And I was like… “Ugh…” [audience laughter] Something’s wrong with me. And, by the way, I work against all my instincts with this. You know, I give to every liberal group you can think of. I give to so many… I give to an anti-capitalist group. How fucking dumb is that? And they have the balls to hit me up for donations. “Can we get another 100 bucks for our anti-capitalism group?” I’m like, “But you know how I’m getting this money, don’t you?” [audience laughter] Oh yeah. Maybe you’re thinking like, “Neal, why don’t you smoke some weed?” “Chill the fuck out.” That’s not up there ’cause I love weed. That’s up there ’cause I don’t think recreational drugs work on me right. Like MDMA. Molly, ecstasy, depending how old you are. [audience laughter] Uh… I… I’ve done it seven or eight times. Never worked on me once. There’s people whose brains don’t respond to MDMA. Guess I have one of those brains. My friends do not have one of those brains. That was pretty awkward. They’re all rubbing each other’s nipples, and I’m just like… [fake laughter] [audience laughter] Yeah, and I don’t think weed works on me either. Unless, is weed supposed to make you violently paranoid for five minutes, then you got to go to sleep? Is that weed? [audience laughter] ‘Cause in that case, bull’s-eye. I feel bad too because we’re living in the golden age of weed. Weed is legal in so many places. It’s legal out here. Uh… They sponsor comedy shows, so I get bags and vapes and pipes. I have so much weed at my house that I cannot use, I’ve become like an old lady with a lemon tree in her backyard. I’m like, “Take some weed.” [audience laughter] So weed’s legal. Shrooms just got legalized in Denver, Oakland, all of Oregon. Yeah. Yeah. [audience cheering] So there’s going to be shroom stores. You ready? You’ll go to a shroom store and go, “You open?” “I don’t know, are you open?” [audience laughter] I’m not mad at these drugs. MDMA, psilocybin, weed all passed the FDA hurdles for safety. Uh, but you know what wouldn’t pass the FDA hurdles for safety? Alcohol. For safety? Like, if they tested out whiskey in a lab. 100 men, 100 women, scientists dispensing it, marking down the results, they go to their boss. “Sir, we did the whiskey test.” “Uh, first one or two drinks, people seemed warm and happy.” “Then around the third drink, a lot of the men became belligerent.” “The women were upset, but they said they didn’t want to talk about it.” [audience laughter] “And then a lot of people vomited and passed out, and everyone who drove home crashed their car.” [audience laughter] “That sounds awful.” “I know, here’s the crazy part.” “They all want to come back again on Saturday.” [audience laughter] “They’re wondering if we can hire a DJ.” “And two Israeli guys want to promote it. Does that…?” [audience laughter] So clearly I’m not a big drinker. The fucked-up thing about alcohol is it gets so much good PR. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always heard, “When you drink, your real self comes out.” Which is true to a point. Maybe one or two drinks. But I’ve never looked at one of my sloshed friends and been, “There’s the real Tony.” And they’re, “Ugh!” [grunting] “Fuck you guys!” “That is his God-given essence, right there.” [exclaims] The real Tony has to piss on the street. [audience laughter] Yeah, not a big drinker. Not a big smoker. People don’t like it. It is good for me. Not drinking and smoking. I know it’s good for me because when I tell people at parties, they say, “Good for you,” right before they walk away. [audience laughter] But alcohol is hard. It’s a tough issue for me ’cause I grew up with an alcoholic dad, right? Uh… and, you know, people love alcohol, and women are people. So… [audience laughter] Admit it. Um… And so dating is tough because I don’t want to be a drink cop, but at the same time, it can be a little triggering. Sometimes it’s fine. Other times it’s like, “Mmm, trauma.” Um… [audience laughing and clapping] Yeah, but I don’t know what I can ask for within this, right? Like, I just don’t know what’s… I go, “Who am I to tell her not to drink?” “As someone who’s trying to protect themselves?” “From what?” “I don’t know, a negative emotional experience? The smell of alcohol?” “Are you not fucking over that? How are you not fucking over that?” So I’ve just got this negative tape running in my head about that and pretty much most things in my life. I have a very… I got a bad inner monologue. I wrote it down one time, and as soon as I saw it, I was like, I got to erase this. Because if any of my friends know that someone’s talking to me like this, they’re going to be pissed. But meanwhile, it was an inside job, you know? You ever look back on your life and think the way you are is inevitable? If you don’t know much about me, I’m the youngest of ten kids, which is… too many. Right? Both my parents were born during the Great Depression, and they were nice enough to bring it with them. [audience laughter] Yeah, so both my parents brought that energy to their union, and it was just a lot of chaos and alcohol and law and order. Like, a lot of violence. My earliest… One of my earliest memories of life is watching my teenage brother fistfight my dad on the front lawn. It’s like, “Okay, so this is life.” Um… Yeah, just so many rules. Just constant rules. There were so many rules that eventually my mother wrote the important ones down and stuck them on the wall of the kitchen, like you’d see at a steel factory. My friend actually put them on here. I’ll tell you about some of them. Bunch of TV rules, which I guess makes sense. A lot of laundry rules. My mother was laundry-room crazy. Um, if you left your clothes in the laundry room for too long, my mother would confiscate your clothes. Disappeared, Khmer Rouge-style. [audience chuckling] Never to be seen again. Although one year for Christmas, my sister Anne did get a keychain, a candle, and a box of her old clothes back, so… Merry Christmas, Anne. Why are you crying? [audience laughter] A lot of sandwich rules. You guys probably all had sandwich rules, right? [audience laughter] We had to make all of… There were too many of us. We couldn’t all make sandwiches every morning before school, so we’d have to make them in bulk on the weekend and then stick them in the freezer. And then on the way to school, we grabbed one of our sandwiches. You’re thinking that must not have made for very fresh sandwiches, but you’re forgetting a more important piece of information. Sandwiches don’t always thaw between 8:00 a.m. and lunchtime. [audience laughter] In those cases, we’d eat around the edges like rats on a pirate ship. [audience laughter] So, pretty much the Gilmore Girls is what I’m saying. Yeah, so I grew up Catholic. Anybody else? [cheering] Yeah, I did all the Catholic milestones. Baptism, First Holy Communion, Confirmation, atheism. Right? [audience laughter] [applause] I shouldn’t even say I’m an atheist. Let’s say I’m agnostic about my atheism, right? Atheists are such smug hypocrites, by the way. Atheists will be like, “You pray to a god? That’s so silly.” “Can I show you my vision board real quick?” [audience laughter] I know a lot of white atheists. I don’t know many Black atheists. Not none, just not many. I got a theory about why there’s not many Black atheists. Here goes. Atheism is really like the height of white privilege. It really is. Religion says, “Can we interest you in an afterlife?” And white people are like, “No, thank you.” [chuckles] [audience laughter] “How much better could it be?” [audience laughter] “I’ll just take my supplements and see what happens.” White privilege has had a big couple years, huh? Yeah. The Cauckies, the Caucasians. [audience laughter] Cauckies were blindsided in 2020. They were just caught unawares, right? I was talking to a white lady. She says, “I had no idea things were so bad between Black people and the police.” I was like, “There’s no way you could’ve, unless you listen to any song by a Black person, ever.” [audience laughter] Like, what do you think “Fuck tha Police” was about, lady? “I didn’t think it was all police. I thought it was one precinct.” How about Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff”? “I know, but he didn’t shoot the deputy, so…” [audience laughter] I like the white privilege that’s hiding in plain sight. You know what’s a white privilege thing that’s hiding? A lot of American city names are white privilege. Like Chicago, Milwaukee, those are Native American words. West Coast is wild. San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego. Spanish names. Ever think about why they’re Spanish? Well… ‘Cause we jacked the motherfuckers from Mexico, didn’t even bother changing the names. [audience laughter] That is some ice-cold white privilege shit. That’d be like if your boy Pete had a girlfriend for years. “Pete’s girl.” Then you steal her, take her to a party, you’re like, “You know my girl Pete’s girl, don’t you?” [audience laughter] “You thirsty, baby? Get Pete’s girl a drink, would you?” “I got you a necklace with your initials on it. PG. Pete’s girl.” You know what’s white privilege? Joking about race. That’s white privilege. ‘Cause as a white person, it just bounces right off. Right? I know the funniest, meanest Black dudes in the world. They’ll be like, “White people can’t dance. No rhythm.” I’ll be like, “Who needs rhythm when you own the record label?” [audience laughter] [audience continues laughing] Am I TikToking? Be honest. Is this TikTok? [audience laughter] A lot of Cauckies ask me, they go, “Neal…” “Neal, I’m a good Cauckie. What can I do?” “How can I combat white privilege?” Acknowledge it as it’s happening to you. This happened to me recently. I got pulled over doing 73 in a 35. So it was tight. [audience laughter] And white cop. I get my license and registration. He’s back running my plates, and I’m sitting there going, “I deserve whatever. A fine or a ticket.” “Whatever I’m going to get, I totally deserve.” He comes back. He’s like, “I’ll let you off with a warning.” I’m like, no, that’s fucked up. ‘Cause I know my Black or brown friends would at least be getting a ticket. I gotta say something. I was like, “Don’t be stupid. He’s a cop.” I was like, “No, now’s the time.” And I said, “Thanks, officer. It’s been a white privilege.” [audience laughter] He said, “The privilege is all white.” What the fuck? [audience laughter] Race is another one of these issues that’s a weird one for me, ’cause it’s had an oddly big effect on my life. Not anywhere near a person of color, but 50 times the average Cauckie. Uh… [audience chuckles] And I’m good at writing racial jokes, and I’m like, is it my place to tell them? Like, if they fall into the wrong hands… Like, that “who needs rhythm when you own the record label” joke, that would crush at a Klan rally. Crush. [audience laughter] You can hear it. “So I said, ‘Who needs rhythm when you own the record label?'” “Good night. My name’s Jedediah.” [audience laughter] So it’s like, should I not tell the jokes in public? Like, I know what my intentions are, but, like, who gives a shit what my intentions are if they’re… misinterpreted? Pretty accessible comedy show, huh, folks? [audience laughter] I’m in a tiny theater, moralizing about race. Meanwhile, Kevin Hart’s in an arena, “I tell you about the time I went to Egypt and a camel bit me in the dick?” [audience laughter] Something… Something’s wrong with me. Oh, you know what? I think this is a woman’s shoe. You might be thinking like, “Neal, if you got married and had kids some of your… alienation might dissipate.” Maybe. I don’t know. Never been married. Don’t have kids. 48 years old. People don’t like it. [audience laughter] It’s worse for women if you’re over a certain age. Not married, no kids, people pity you. But as a guy, people are suspicious. [audience laughter] I would get more trust from women if I’d been married and murdered my wife. [audience laughter] They’d be like, “He’s capable of love. He gets too passionate.” [audience laughter] “Also, he’s not going to murder two people.” [audience laughter] Cute. Yeah, it’s not… I’ve… I’ve been in long-term relationships. Been in love a few times. It just never got to marriage. It just never got there. These are big risks, these relationships, ’cause… ’cause… You’re basically just doing a daily trust fall with somebody, right? Every day you’d be like, “Okay. Your turn. Okay, here we go.” Aah! “Oh my God, this is so fun. Do me.” “Okay, here we go. I got you.” Aah! “Oh my God, I feel so connected to you. We’re so lucky.” “Do me again.” Aah! [thud] I’ve hurt people as the catcher, and I’ve been hurt as the faller. They both suck for different reasons. The thing with these relationships is, you just have to believe in each other and assure one another, like, “We both feel the same way.” “I feel the same about you as you do me. We’re connected, we’re connected.” And then a certain point, they look at you and go, “Oh, I’ve been pretending.” “We’re… we’re… we’re not connected.” And then you have to parse the relationship to try to figure out when they started pretending. And then eventually accept the fact that some of the most cherished memories of your life may have been a grift. Shit’s breathtaking. I judge myself a lot for this. This is where I’m like, “Something really is wrong with you.” You know, other comedians judge me for it. I was talking to a comedian friend. He’s like, “You’d be more popular if you were married with kids.” I said, “Why?” And he’s like, “The audience trusts you more if you’re married with kids ’cause you’re moral.” “You put other people ahead of you.” Uh, which I’ve legally never done. I have a dog. You’re like, “Which one? The one you don’t love?” Fuck you guys. [audience laughter] I’m not telling you shit anymore. But I get how, as an audience member, you trust comedians more if they’re married with kids. I do have one follow-up question. How is Bill Cosby’s marriage? Any word? [audience cheering] Is Louis C.K. still happily married? He’s fucking hilarious. He must be married. I had one more, and I need you guys to give it to me straight. John Mulaney? [audience exclaiming] Don’t fucking “oh” me. I went to the goddamn wedding. [audience laughter] Yeah. I don’t know what you spent. I had to fly across country, rent a car. They’re like, “Wanna upgrade for $30?” I’m like, “It’s Mulaney’s wedding. Let’s blow it out.” Cut to me in a PT Cruiser going, “Was this an upgrade?” [audience laughter] Well, at least Woody Allen’s marriage is still flourishing, huh? [audience clapping] Did you see that documentary? Allen v. Farrow? Uh, they lay out the case pretty conclusively that before he married his stepdaughter Soon-Yi, he molested his other stepdaughter. And I got to say, it’s probably my least favorite Woody Allen movie. [audience laughter] My failure in relationships is not for lack of trying, I swear to God. Like, I’ve done different approaches, love language, attachment style. Age, race, weight, job. I dated a model. Thank you. [audience laughter] Guys, dating a model is like owning a dune buggy. Dating a model’s like owning a dune buggy ’cause at the beach, it’s great. But everywhere else, you’re like, “I shouldn’t have brought you here.” [audience laughter] [audience cheering] By the way, this is all going to be heterosexual. Like, I don’t have any gay insights. Never been gay. I check once a year. [audience laughter] I do. If you’re honest, check once a year. I go on Pornhub, I click the “gay” button, and I go, “Anything?” “All right, back to women.” [audience laughter] While I haven’t been gay, I have experienced a ton of homophobia ’cause I have a bidet. [audience laughter] My straight guy friends will be like, “Can’t do it, bro.” “Can’t have water shooting up my ass.” Are you worried about… Look, if the only thing keeping you from being gay is water hitting your ass… [audience laughter] …you are gay. [audience laughter] Just be gay. Come on over, take a ride on the pony, start your new life. That’s how rudimentary guys’ understanding of our sexuality is. We’re like, “I just got to protect the flag.” “And everything’s the same.” Fellas, no, you don’t. I’m 48. The flag’s been violated or whatever. I’ve had a couple fingers in the butt. From women. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. I wasn’t like, “My identity!” [audience laughter] “Everything I thought I was!” [audience laughter] “Turn off Rogan, turn on Drag Race.” [audience laughter] You know what the first thing that always left in my relationships? Uh, appreciation for one another. Right? It happens in most relationships. We stop appreciating each other. Women start thinking, “Men are so thoughtless and stupid.” And men think, “Women are so fussy and high-maintenance.” And we’re both right. Women, you are fussy and high-maintenance. You know what else? They’re sophisticated and elegant, and can make emotional connections including, get this, direct eye contact. Women’s spirit is just elevating. They can transform a room with their presence and energy. I’m thankful there’s women here tonight. If there were no women here tonight, fellas, with just all dudes in a dark room staring at me… [audience laughter] …you know what the energy would be? Proud Boys, and you know it. [audience laughter] Just a bunch of guys in cut-off leather gloves and wearing their horrible sunglasses like this for some reason. [audience laughter] And women, you think men are thoughtless and stupid, and we are. But you know what else we are? Fucking hilarious. [audience laughing and applauding] We are. We’re very funny. Women are beautifully constructive, and men are hilariously destructive. Right? If you ever go to an all-women’s event, it’s just a bunch of women making eye contact and drinking white wine. [makes high-pitched sound] Eventually you’re like, “I gotta get the fuck out of here.” Right? But usually guys show up to kind of ground the energy, and we’re there, we’re trying to… We’re always trying to impress. We’re buying you shit, we’re break dancing… [audience laughter] …doing magic tricks, backflips. We’re telling stories with sound effects. “Then I punched him in the stomach.” Pssh! Then he took out a machine gun.” Trrrr! I’ve never heard a woman do a sound effect in my entire life. [audience applauds] Noises… Like birds’ chirps, meows, shit you could do. We’re always trying to make you laugh. We got funny mean nicknames for our friends. “This is Mike, aka Boner Mike.” [audience laughter] “Aka Illiterate Mike.” I never heard a woman be like, “This is Sarah, aka Barren Sarah.” [audience laughter] “She’s so dry down there, we call her Sahara.” [audience laughter] [audience laughing and whopping] [audience laughter] [sniffles] I just don’t have any like, real innate skill for being a boyfriend. Like, I’m thankful that there’s not an entrance exam to become a boyfriend ’cause I would fail that shit miserably. The woman would come with the results. “All right.” “We’re not going to pass you. I think you knew that.” [audience laughter] “Couple areas in which you didn’t do well, one of them was listening.” “Um, question was, ‘If you’re watching basketball on TV and your girlfriend needed to speak to you, how would you handle it?’ We were looking for, ‘Turn the TV off, and ask what was going on, ‘ but you wrote down, ‘I’d turn the TV up.’ [audience laughter] ‘And say, “I can’t talk right now, babe. It’s the first quarter, which is one of the most important quarters.”‘ [audience laughter] “You also did poorly in conflict resolution.” “The question was, ‘If she had an issue with something you did, how would you deal with it?’ And you wrote down, ‘I’d think of a time she did something similar, and say, “See, bitch? Now we’re even.”‘ [audience laughter] Back to the apps for you, my friend. Yeah, something’s wrong with me, like… The other thing I’m not dying to get into with relationships is the power dynamic. ‘Cause I feel like men had all the power for 400,000 years, give or take. And about six years ago, women were like, “May we?” [audience laughter] I shouldn’t say men have no power. I should be more specific. Liberal white men have no power in relationships. At this period in history, as a liberal white man, you now have to go to protests against myself. Understand? [audience laughter] I… [applause] When the George Floyd protests broke out, I was like, “I’ll get my sign from the Women’s March. Here.” “I am the problem!” [audience laughter] I went to the Women’s March. It was inspiring on the one hand, and I also saw the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, right? So, inspiring, 400,000 women, their husbands, boyfriends, sons, dads, all together, marching for a cause. That was incredible. And then I also saw the funniest shit ever, uh… We all had signs that we made, right? And there was another guy there, and he had a sign that said, “This is what a feminist looks like,” with an arrow pointing at him. He and I are walking along, we make eye contact, the guy looks up at his sign and goes… [audience laughter] So we’ll see what happens. [audience chuckling] [man] Oh, my God. [chuckling] Yeah, I’ve dated a lot of women that were correctors. I had two different girlfriends in my life say in front of me, “I trained him.” [audience muttering] “I taught him.” Yeah. Ever hear a guy say that? No, ’cause you don’t know any pimps. [audience laughter] [chuckling] Yeah. And you do teach us shit, women, but it’s never shit we want to know. Shit you want us to know. Never had a girlfriend be like, “Let me show you how to choke a wolf.” [audience laughter] It’s always girly shit that you want us to know, and then we go, [in squeaky voice] “Oh yeah.” [audience laughter] That’s the sound of a guy learning shit he does not care about in the slightest. “Oh yeah.” [audience laughter] “Duvet cover, yeah.” [audience laughter] “Yeah, a blanket should have its own pouch.” [audience laughter] “Thank you, babe.” Happens to all guys, all over the world. Age, race, class. Doesn’t matter. We all know what happened with Meghan Markle and Harry Potter. Right? Is that his name? [audience laughter] We know what happened. She came home and was like, “I know we’re in England, you’re a prince, but your family sucks, so let’s go to America and you’re a fucking nobody.” And he was like… “Oh yeah.” [audience laughter] “Fuck a thousand years of tradition. Thanks, babe.” So much in relationships is luck. That’s the thing nobody talks about. It’s luck. So this is the thing I looked up. So there’s a one-in-eight chance that you will marry somebody you’re dating. There’s a 50-50 chance the marriage will work. So, in essence, there is a 6% chance that you’ll be in an everlasting loving relationship with someone you’re dating, even if they’re great and you’re great. 6%. That’s luck. And I know I need to pause the show right now and let all the guys that are here on dates look at your lady and let her know that you guys are the exception. [audience laughter] [man] Whoo! You’re going all the way. I get it. But 6%. It’s luck, right? Even if I’m wrong it’s 9, but it’s 6. It’s luck. We’re all… We all judge each other for our failures at relationships. We judge ourselves. We should have empathy. We’re all basically just fans at an NBA game taking a half-court shot. When those fans miss the shot, everyone goes, “Aww!” They don’t go, “Fuck you!” [audience laughter] “Think about why you missed that shot.” “Start with your relationship with your mother and go forward from there.” [audience laughter] And then, babies. I’m not anti-baby. [audience chuckles] I’m anti-fetus. Y’all know I’m anti-fetus. [audience laughter] I fucking hate fetuses. I fucking hate them. I wish a fetus would step to me. [audience laughter] Yeah, so, I gotta… I’ve just never looked down and been like, “I should reproduce this.” “Run it back. Let’s go.” You know what TV show made me wary of having kids? You guys ever see that show, the nightly news? [audience laughter] Alright, climate change is a nightmare. We’re already double what Earth’s population should be. I can’t remember this much anger or division in my life. Having a kid right now would be like being at a house party, it’s packed with people, you can’t move, roof’s on fire, basement’s flooding, cops are coming, you look at your friend and you’re like, “We should invite Brian.” [audience laughter] The problem is I gotta tell women on first dates I won’t have babies. I guess I don’t have to. It just seems nicer, right? Because women have weird timing with that shit. I was on a date with a girl and she’s like, “I am 40.” “I need to start thinking about who I’m going to have kids with.” I was like, “Start thinking?” [audience laughter] “Miss, we may be down to minutes.” [audience laughter] Yeah, I got to tell women on first dates that I don’t want to have kids. People don’t like it. Telling a woman on a first date is like going to a job interview and being like, “Just so you know, I don’t fuck with computers.” [audience laughter] “How do you want to do this?” Maybe it’s luck. Maybe it’s timing. Or, you know, could be both. Or maybe it’s me. Maybe something’s wrong with me. Maybe I’m too cranky, or wounded, or misogynistic. Or something I don’t even know I am. You know what I realized? [woman] It’s not you. It’s not me? Well, good. Let’s end the show. Good night, everybody. [audience laughter] [chuckles] Women, do you see the kind of belief I’m looking for? Just a little? Yeah, like, I had the thought recently that I don’t think I can guarantee a woman’s emotional safety. And I’m not sure she could guarantee mine. I wish that were not the case, but that’s just how I feel. And people go, “Well, don’t you get lonely?” Yeah. But also, I’ve never been lonelier than in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. [audience applauds] And then with kids… You know, I say it’s climate change… It’s not. Secret, it’s not. [audience laughter] I say it’s all that stuff, but it’s about the emotional connection ’cause I don’t want the kid to come out, and I don’t feel it. We all know what happened with Keith. [audience laughter] And more importantly, my dad had ten kids, didn’t love any of us, right? So I don’t want to… I’m half him, so I could repeat that all over again. And people are like, “You’d be such a good dad.” I’d be a good Marine too. I don’t want to be a Marine. Like, people go, “Well, try.” It’s not… “Take the leap.” It’s not my risk, it’s their risk. They bear all the risk, right? ‘Cause if you’re born with a parent who doesn’t love you, you spend your whole life thinking something’s wrong with you. I… I also got to say, I really resent the pressure we’re all under to do it. I really resent it. Right? There’s dozens of new gender and sexual orientations. There’s still only one relationship orientation. Toward marriage. “What about polyamory?” There’s no tax cuts for polyamory. Stop it. But people are really impressed with like, “We got married and signed a license.” “A marriage license? How’d you do it?” [audience laughter] A legal yoke isn’t that impressive to me. You know what I mean? What’s more meaningful? A bird in a cage? Or a bird that flies away every day and comes back just ’cause they like being birds with you? Isn’t that better? [audience applauds] People say stuff like, “Well…” Just the dumb shit. “If you don’t marry her, you won’t be able to visit her in the hospital after hours.” [audience laughter] I will if I give security 40 bucks. [audience laughter] There you go, bird. Also, you ever ask married people how it is? [audience laughter] The answers may shock you. By the way, it’s not just men. Ask a woman how marriage is, women sound like a politician ducking a hot-button issue. “Lisa, how are things with you and Mike?” And she’s like, “Kids are great.” [audience laughter] And you ask guys how the marriage is, guys sound like they’re reading a hostage letter. “Mike, how are things with you and Lisa?” And he’s like, “Hello.” [audience laughter] “I am happy.” [audience laughter] “Do not worry about me.” [audience laughter] “Worry about yourself… [audience laughter] …and your heathen lifestyle.” [audience laughter] “She has taught me so much… [audience laughter] …and made me a better man.” And she’s in the corner like ISIS like, “Tell him about the duvet cover.” [audience laughing and applauding] “Oh yeah.” [audience laughter] This is fun. It’s just fun to be out, right? Do you know what one of the upsides of COVID might be, I hope, is uh, empathy for mental health stuff, right? ‘Cause everybody was isolated. And human beings don’t do well with isolation. We’ve still got cave brains. So we think if we’re isolated that the tribe is rejecting us, and then we start picking away at ourselves and finding faults that aren’t there and… Basically, our mental health declines. So I hope in the future that people have empathy when someone says, “I’m depressed or anxious,” they’ll go, “Yeah, I remember that.” Because for a lot of us, we’ve felt isolated our whole lives. And the other thing I’ll say, one of the things I didn’t mind about COVID was that we could all just chill a bit with work. We could put the sword down a little bit. If you achieved something during COVID, cool. If not, also cool. The only people who accomplished anything during COVID to me were Bo Burnham… [audience laughter] Amazon.com, and the 1998 Chicago Bulls. Somehow. [applause] They, like, won again, right? But it was nice to chill out, but as soon as the world opened up, I was back comparing myself to other comedians, and seeing who was doing whose podcast, and who did what venue, and how many tickets they sold. And am I too old to be on TikTok? Can a person do lip-sync videos and be on cholesterol medication? [audience laughter] Yeah, like I said, comedy is so public, and it can be sort of… you know, it’s exposing. And, like I said, there’s a lot of ways in which I feel like I don’t fit into the world, and I’m not doing it especially good, but comedy’s one of these things where I feel like I know what I’m doing, I’m part of something, but there’s always a reminder like, “You don’t.” Right before the start of COVID, Netflix had a party. By the way, this story’s so name-droppy, I apologize in advance. This story’s so name-droppy, DiCaprio was there, I don’t even mention it. [audience laughter] So, uh… Netflix has a party, and it’s at the head of Netflix’s house. A guy named Ted Sarandos. A great man. [audience laughter] [woman cheers] A great man. [audience laughter] So it’s at Ted Sarandos’ house, and I walk in, and it’s the biggest comedians in the world, right? I look over, it’s Burr, Aziz, Mulaney, Ali Wong, Sarah Silverman, Wanda Sykes, Trevor Noah, Borat. [audience laughter] And you’re like, “Pretty good. Pretty big, Neal. All right.” Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Kevin Hart. And then I look over here, Ellen DeGeneres, Eddie Murphy. I was like, “God damn. I’ve never seen all these people together, ever.” Right? And I remember thinking, “Buddy, I don’t know what you did to get invited to this party, but it must’ve been pretty good, and I’m proud of you.” And I’m just looking around at all these heroes of mine, right? Uh, all icons. And Ted Sarandos, who is a great man… [audience laughter] …gives a toast, and he goes, “It’s such a thrill for me to be in the same room with all of my comedy heroes.” And Chris Rock yells out, “And Neal Brennan!” [audience laughter] I just thought, “Man, I hope someday Chris gets humiliated in front of all of his peers.” [audience laughing and applauding] And a great joke, by the way. Like, the right joke to make. I wish I could’ve been somebody else so I could have enjoyed it more. I was like, “Oh fuck, I am Neal Brennan. Shit.” [audience laughter] You know in a movie when someone gets embarrassed and they cut to slo-mo shots of… “Ha, ha, ha.” My slo-mo shots were Ellen going… [distorted] “Ha, ha, ha.” And Borat was like, “My wife!” [audience laughter] But, yeah, it just made me, like, second-guess myself, as usual. ‘Cause all these people are such naturals. Dave started doing comedy at 14. He was good then. Eddie knew he was going to be on TV when he was five. Ellen called being on The Tonight Show before she did stand-up. Like, just all these stories, right? And meanwhile, I did it completely backwards. I was a writer, then I became a comedian in my thirties, and I had to… I’m not a natural. I had to grind and take vocal lessons and movement classes. I listened to multiple audiobooks about charisma. Multiple. [audience laughter] I act like this is all past tense. I’m doing it now. See this thing? “It’s not a watch.” You’re right. It’s not. It’s called a Pavlok. This thing gives me a small electric shock every three minutes on stage to remind me to smile more. It’s been happening the entire show. [audience laughter] [audience applauds] Yeah, when I’m around people like that, I’m like, “Am I not supposed to be doing this?” By the way, what even is this? Why can’t I just do regular stand-up? Last time I was like, “I’m going to need three different microphones set up equidistant.” This one is… And this one… “Ugh…” “Ha, ha, ha, ha.” [audience laughter] And then this show I’m like, “Hey, everybody, I brought blocks!” [audience laughter] I’ve spent the last… 15 years of my life being a comedian. And every comedian I met was like, “You seem like more of a writer.” Which is comedians’ way of saying, “Give me your jokes.” Before that I was a writer, and every writer was like, “You seem like more of a comedian.” Which is writers’ way of saying, “You’re annoying.” [audience laughter] If just feels like comedians over here, writers over here. Neal, you can just stay in this middle area, with your little stand-up traumedy shows. [audience laughter] Did I mention I paid her for this? Individually… these things are all manageable, you know? But it’s… In totality, that’s the hard part. That’s where the depression comes. And I’ve tried so much stuff. Like, so much. Therapy, medication. Ketamine. I tried transcranial magnetic stimulation. [click] Ooh, okay… [loud clicking] That was good, but it kind of wore off. So then I went to China to get a stronger version of TMS which isn’t legal in the States. [loud clicking] It may not even be legal in China, for all I know. And then, I did 5-MeO-DMT. Like Bufo alvarius. It’s like the nuclear bomb of psychedelics. I think I went too far… with that one. Like, I think… I think I hurt myself a little bit. Yeah, but I guess it makes sense if you’re looking for a magic bullet, occasionally you’re going to get shot. But I just kept thinking, “Dude, how did you turn self-help into self-harm?” I’ve been saying all night that something’s wrong with me. And something is wrong with me. [gentle music playing] I won’t show myself any kindness. I won’t give myself any grace. Like, I just grind and attack myself relentlessly like it’s my job. I would love to stop. I like to believe that my ways of being, like my thoughts, my habits, my emotions, my beliefs… I’d like to believe that they’re not defects. I’d like to believe that alchemy of a personality… my spirit… it’s got to be enough. Please. Let that be enough. [audience applauding and cheering] [audience continues applauding] [closing music playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Deon Cole: Charleen’s Boy (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deon-cole-charleens-boy-transcript/

[indistinct chattering] [woman] Oh, this water is so good. I don’t know why I was so thirsty. But anyway, I feel comfortable now. It feels real good in here. Yeah. It’s so good to see you, babe. What are you… Tell me, I’ve been thinking about it… What are you doing with Netflix? Is it gonna be like your… Cole Blooded Seminar that you did? [indistinct chattering in crowd] Is it gonna be like the Cole Blooded… you taught? You know, you taught at your Cole Blooded Seminar, you taught. You took the people to school. It’s gonna be… You talked about peanut butter. You talked about, relationships. You talked about sex. I’ll get you on that one. [indistinct chattering continues] What else? [drumbeat] [theme music playing] [crowd cheering] What’s up, Brooklyn? How y’all feeling? [crowd cheering] Thank you all for coming out, man. I sure appreciate y’all for coming out to this special and shit, man. Good to see you. How’re y’all beautiful motherfucking faces tonight? Give it up for yourselves, thank you. [crowd cheering] I’ma tell you this much, though. These young women have been on my ass lately. I ain’t gonna even lie, look. And I know they’re young, too. Because they’re always asking me for my Instagram instead of my phone number and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’s young bitch game. [crowd laughing] “Wanna go out?” “Yeah.” “What’s your IG?” I’ll be like, “Argh, young bitch! Shit.” [crowd laughing, clapping] Could it be some old motherfucker’s asking for my Instagram, I’d be like, “Now, you know you’re too old to be asking for my Instagram. Go get a pen.” [crowd laughing] “You know better, motherfucker. Go get a pen. Old bitch keep a pen, don’t you?” [crowd laughing] All this technology, that motherfucker is still got that pen. [crowd laughing] Phone right here in her hand. [crowd laughing] I asked a woman one day, I was like, “If you see an attractive man, do you come on to him when you him?” She was like, “No.” I was like, “Really?” I was asking another woman out. I was like, “If you see an attractive guy, do you say anything to him?” She was like, “No. If he don’t say nothing to me, then it really ain’t going down.” I was like, “That’s some dumb ass shit, man. [crowd laughing] Do you know how many potential soulmates, husbands your goofy ass could have had, [crowd laughing] if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked, smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?” You even ain’t gotta look at the man directly in his eye. You can just look at his way and he’ll get it.” A woman look my way too long, I’ma be like, “I’ma go over there and put this thang on that bitch, I promise.” [crowd laughing] I mean, you and I speaking. And you women over 45, let me tell you something. You can’t afford not to speak to anybody. [crowd laughing] You need to be speaking to everybody you see. [crowd laughing] Every door you go through, you need to be like, “Hey, y’all! [crowd laughing] I’m Sheryl. I brought potato salad.” Bitch, you need to boil potato salad every goddamn door you go through, because time ain’t on your side. [crowd continues laughing] Don’t be mad at me. This’s God talking to you right now. [crowd laughing] I’m just a vessel. [crowd laughing] Damn, older women know that. See, you gotta understand, like, woman 50, 55 and up, they understand you know that the older you get, and everybody knows this, men and women, the older you get, you know, time becomes the new currency. It really does. Money, I’ma make that. I’ma get that. But my time, you fuck over my time, motherfucker, we’re gonna have a problem because I can’t get that back. [crowd laughing, cheering] Goddamn it! [voice in crowd whoops] [crowd clapping] Motherfucker take me to a fucked up movie, I’ll be like, “Bitch, I’ma need two hours about you.” [crowd laughing] Goddamn it. Older women know that, though. They move as such too. See, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit. Like when they go out, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit because it’s too time-consuming, you know. Waiting on three bitches to get ready, you’ll miss the show and shit. [crowd laughing] Going out to eat, one bitch want taco, one want a hotdog, one want a pizza… you’ll starve fucking with these hoes. Old bitch will be like, “No, just send me that address. I’ll meet you out there.” [crowd laughing] “No, I’ma meet you all there. Ain’t you gonna be drinking and driving?” “Yes I am, bitch.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch ready to catch a DUI than fuck with you, ho! That’s how serious this is. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] Plus they drive by themselves just in case it goes down that night. They can dip off without a whole bunch of judgement and shit. Yeah. [voice in crowd] Yeah! Without a whole bunch of motherfuckers in their business and shit. “Text me when you get in.” “Nah, I’ll be alright, bitch. I don’t need to text you.” [crowd laughing] “I’m 50 for a reason, ho. I’ve made it this far. I’ma be alright. I don’t need to start texting bitches, letting them know I’m leaving.” [crowd laughing] Yeah. [Deon laughing] Older women, lemme ask you something. If you ever have be at a party, and you see a young girl there and that motherfucker be dropping that motherfucker down to the ground, do you be jealous of her knees? [crowd laughing] Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do. [crowd laughing] Young bitch sweeping the floor with her ass. You can’t go no lower than this. All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here. [crowd laughing] Bust out Tina Turner shit all there. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughs] And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it! Some of y’all sex toys are older than your kids. [crowd laughing] Got that same rabbit tongue… [Deon hisses] wand… bullet… It ain’t even a bullet no more. It’s a slingshot, shit. [crowd laughing] Upgrade your shit. There’s some new shit out there right now called, Tracy’s Dog. [woman in crowd screams] [crowd laughing, cheering] [voice in crowd] Our little testimonial holler is right there. [crowd laughing] Shando! Let them use you, sister! Go ahead. [Deon laughs] Tracy’s Dog, this motherfucker is serious, you hear me? It’s only 50 motherfucking dollars, y’all. My son’s mother, she said, “I can’t keep that motherfucker in the house because I ain’t getting any shit done with it in there, alright? Can’t get shit done with that motherfucker in there. This motherfucker is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?” And this is like this U-shaped device, right? This part goes in, it’s vibrating and it curves around to the top. And on top, there’s this sucking mechanism that goes right on the clit. All it does is just sucks. [Deon hissing] [crowd laughing] Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker. This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you. [crowd laughing, cheering] It’s serious. Now go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead. No, go ahead before you forget it and shit. Put it in your god… Don’t worry about who’s looking at you. Put it in your phone. [crowd laughing] You old women, put it… you know your mind ain’t… doing like it used to be. Go ahead, put it in your phone before you forget it. Sitting there trying to remember that shit. “Ha ha ha, he’s so silly. [crowd laughing] Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog… “Okay, I know a bitch, she’s named Tracy. She got a dog. Tracy’s dog. [crowd laughing] You know, Tracy’s… Tracy’s dog.” [crowd laughing] You out there with your man. Your man’s like, “You don’t need that shit.” “You’re right, Daddy.” “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] [crowd clapping] [indistinct chattering in crowd] Older men change too. It ain’t just women. Men change too. We get old and shit. Like, we can’t fuck the same. No, not at all. The older we get, now, we can’t fuck the same. Shit, sometimes, n*ggas don’t even be thinking about fucking like that, though. For real, though. Just imagine doing this for 50 years. Just… [crowd laughing] 50 years, just… Picking up all different sizes of bitches. 50 fucking years, just… [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] N*ggas get tired of that shit! 50 years of that shit, no. N*ggas can’t be thinking about fucking all the time. Not successful men. No. Successful older men won’t be thinking about fucking. We’ll be having other shit on our minds like taxes and, “When are the kids moving out?” Payroll… Motherfuckers depend on us. We got payroll. We ain’t got time to be cuddling with your ass all the goddamn time. And then we are cuddling with you, we ain’t thinking about you. [crowd laughing] You know what we’re thinking about? When I’m gonna get the feeling back in my goddamn arm? [crowd laughing] From your big ass laying on it for two hours. If I wanna grab a titty, I can’t feel it. [crowd laughing] Got no time to be cuddling with you, motherfucker I got payroll in the morning. “Grab that goddamn pen and help me crunch these numbers, bitch.” This is what older successful men do when it comes to our wives, girlfriends, fiancées and shit. We fuck to keep you. That’s the realest shit you gonna hear. “Not my man.” Especially your man, bitch. [crowd laughing] Whoever the fuck just thought that. We fuck to keep you and that’s it. Your man could be sitting on the couch at home, one sock on, one sock off… [crowd laughing] Holes all in his underwear… Parliament Funkadelic t-shirt… He just ate three sandwiches. You can tell from the bread crust on his plate. Grabbing his plate, going to the kitchen and making a fourth sandwich. [crowd laughing] And you come down the steps looking good to the motherfucker, he’s like, “Where are you going?” [crowd laughing] “I told you it was April’s birthday. We’re going out.” “We’re gonna get something to eat, and after we get something to eat, we’ll go get some drinks, so… you ain’t gotta wait up.” [crowd laughing] “Let me put a little dick in you before you get on outta here.” [crowd laughing, cheering] He didn’t want to fuck. He had to fuck. [crowd laughing] Looking too good. You gotta put that dick in there. You ain’t even thinking about no pussy. He was going to make another sandwich. [crowd laughing] Wasn’t thinking about no goddamn pussy. You gotta put that dick in her before she go out. Man, before somebody else offer her some dick. See, one thing a lot of women don’t do, they don’t do two dicks in one day. That kinda fucks with their psyche and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah. They don’t do two in one day. So you gotta be the first one in there. [crowd laughing] You gotta get in there first. If she goes out and another n*gga offers some dick, she’s gonna be like, “Oh! [crowd laughing] Damn, why did I let that other n*gga fuck me earlier?! Should have listened to my spirit.” [crowd laughing] Fellas, your girl ever come home from out kicking it all night and she goes straight to bed and you’ll be like this, “Hey, baby. I’ve been up waiting on you and shit. I know you had a good time tonight but come on. Hey, I know you’re ready.” She’ll be like, “Look, just let me go to sleep, please.” [crowd laughing] If that happened, you’re number two. [crowd laughing] See how the laughter died down? [crowd laughing] Men, in here like, “Ha ha ha… That bitch did that shit Thursday night.” [crowd laughing] There’s a certain age, a man should be where he should no longer be considered a gentleman. Like a motherfucker being 80 years old… He shouldn’t be considered a gentleman, you shouldn’t even look at him to be a gentleman. Motherfucker’s 80. But women don’t give a fuck. As long as somebody’s doing something for your monkey ass, that’s all you care about. [crowd laughing] [woman in crowd] That’s damn true. I’m at the airport and shit, this little young chick she gets to the door, she waiting on somebody to open it, I’m about 30 feet away, I’m like, “N*gga, I ain’t about to go over there and open that door.” But here comes this old teskyer man n*gga like, [crowd laughing] Young bitch go through the door, the door slid his ass on. Like, “You seen I’m struggling, bitch.” [crowd laughing] This woman gets on the plane with her luggage and shit. She like, [groaning] “Ugh! I can’t pick it up.” You knew you couldn’t pick that motherfucker up when you packed all them goddamn sweaters and shit. But you ain’t give a fuck ’cause you thought some man gonna come along and… And sure enough, here come this old civil rights n*gga like… [crowd laughing, cheering] We had to grab that n*gga like, “Champ! Sit down, champ. We’ll get it. We’ll get it, champ. We’ll get it, champ.” You gotta call them old n*ggas champ to make them feel like they still got it. It’s all good, champ. You woulda got that shit up there if that bitch didn’t pack up all them sequined sweaters and shit. Those sequins get heavy when they’re in bulk like that, champ. [crowd laughing] I would not be a gentleman for you until I get to know you. Point blank. Period. ‘Cause you don’t even know what the fuck you want, as a collective. You don’t. Some women, you open the door for them, they’ll be like, “Thank you so much.” Some women be like, “I can open the door!” You’ll be like, “Bitch, go open the goddamn door!” [crowd laughing] Scaring me and shit. [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. Women judge men on what they’re do and don’t do for them before you even know who we are! Cold game y’all been running it for years. Gentlemen shit. Well, hell, there ain’t no gentlewomen shit to do. Name some gentlewomen shit. Right. [crowd laughing] Here’s some gentlewomen shit y’all can do. Just go to a random motherfucker and moisturize his hands. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’ll work. N*gga talking, “Yeah, I told that n*gga last night…” [crowd laughing] “Well, that’s mighty sweet of you, Ma’am. Thank you very much.” [crowd laughing] Looking at the motherfucker, he like… “Aha!” [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. What?! I gotta open the door for you, pull your chair out. If it’s cold outside, I gotta take my jacket off and put it on you but I saw the weather and I knew it was 40 motherfucking degrees. [crowd laughing] So I brought a jacket. So now I gotta catch pneumonia ’cause your goofy ass won’t watch the weather. [crowd laughing] I commend all you young folks out here to taking a stance in life on all kinds of shit like Black Lives Matter. Gay, trans, bi and all that shit. [crowd clapping] [whistling in crowd] I commend y’all, man. It was instilled in our minds back in the day like, if you was gay or something like that, they’d beat your ass and shit if that shit was, if you was gay or whatever. There’s a lot of people my age right now ain’t living their truth because of the way that we was fucking raised and shit. Right now. Real shit. [crowd clapping] Wasn’t nobody gay in my class. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school district. [crowd laughing] Not that I know of. Yeah, wasn’t nobody, like, hanging out like that. Man, the motherfuckers was like homophobic as fuck back in the day. I remember my mother took me to one of my uncle’s houses to stay over there for the summer. This n*gga was homophobic as fuck. Had all these rules and shit. We get over there, this motherfucker’s like, [mimicking baritone voice] “Yeah, uh, first of all, I got some rules and shit if you gonna stay here, you understand me? First of all, if you see something in my hair, you leave it there, motherfucker, alright? Don’t no man pick shit out of another man’s hair, you understand me? There’s a feather in there, you leave that motherfucking feather in there. There could be a whole bird in my shit, you leave it in there, motherfucker. If there’s something in my eye, n*gga, you fix your lips to blow on my eye, I’ll rip your motherfucking mouth off. Don’t no man blow on another man’s eye. You let that motherfucker bleed to death, you understand me? If I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’m kicking you and your nuts. If you can’t reach some shit, you get a broom or shoe trying to knock it down. If it don’t fall, it ain’t meant for you, n*gga. But I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’ll fuck you up, you understand that? You put cologne on in this house, n*gga, you spray that shit dead on your clothes. If you spray that shit in the air and walk through, n*gga, I’ll fuck you up. [crowd laughing] “N*gga, if I see this shit… [hissing] [crowd laughing] I’ll beat your ass, you understand me? And all the food you eat in this house better be solid as a rock, motherfucker. Don’t you eat shit that ooze in your mouth, motherfucker. Ain’t no Twinkies, jelly doughnuts, sunny-side up eggs, Halls Mentho-Lyptus, sucking on that Halls and it burst all in your mouth. You keep your cold, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] Look, I’m nine years old, like, [gasping] “Argh…” [crowd laughing] All I’m saying to the younger generation is, “Be patient with us, being patient with you.” Alright? [crowd clapping] ‘Cause I can only fathom what a motherfucker go through not living their truth and shit, you know. Being something that they’re not, you know. I can, I mean, I sympathize with people like that, you know. I remember one time, I read an article about me. That shit said, “Deon Cole is gay.” I was like, “What?!” It didn’t say, “Is he gay?” “Deon Cole is gay,” like they had facts on this shit. Hey, motherfucker, I ain’t never been gay, goddamn it. Closest I came to being gay was fucking a tomboy. [crowd laughing, clapping] That was my n*gga. [crowd laughing] That bitch was cold on the court, n*gga. That bitch was at a crossover… crossing over n*ggas, n*gga. Breaking n*ggas ankles out there, n*gga. I had to let her go though, ’cause every time we had sex she would put her arms under my arms and grab me and do this shit. “Look, get your arms from under my arms, bitch. “That’s some disrespectful shit.” Slide that shit under then grab me like, “Yeah, n*gga.” What the fuck is you doing? Get your arms from me. I like to take pictures of fucked up shit I see, save it on my phone and use it for lies later on. [crowd laughing, cheering] [laughs] If I had a girl and I was out all night, she be like, “Where the fuck you at?” Send her a picture of a helicopter crash. [crowd laughing] “As soon as they clean this shit up, baby, I’m on my way home.” [crowd laughing] Men out there like, [mimics] “Ha ha…” [crowd laughing] “Makes sense to me!” [laughter dies down] There, anything fucked up. Take a picture of it. You could use that shit. You see somebody fighting, film that shit. You could easily be like, “Man, that’s my boy. I gotta go help him there.” [crowd laughing] I’m telling you this shit works, n*gga. Dead animals, take a picture of them. Anything fucked up. Oh, here’s the good one. If you see an abandoned car on the side of the road take a picture of that motherfucker there. You could leave in the middle of the night on those. [crowd laughing] Yeah, you get up, get dressed at midnight. Your girl like, “Where the fuck you going?” Be like, “To get my boy a jump.” [crowd laughing] “He’d been out there for three days. I gotta go help him.” “Why is it daylight in the picture, n*gga?” [crowd laughing] “God works in mysterious ways, bitch.” [crowd laughing] How many fellas out here with a thick woman with him tonight? Make some noise. Where you at? [men whooping] [crowd laughing] Should be a few more of y’all clapping. [crowd laughing] [a voice in crowd cackling] You know I can see you, right? [crowd laughing] Let me ask one more time before I start point n*ggas out. How many in here with a thick one tonight? Make some noise. [men shouting] [whistling in crowd] Oh, okay then. Alright. Alright, then. [crowd laughing] Did you clap? Okay. I’m making sure you clapped. There we go, alright. [crowd laughing] N*gga all under the seat with it. [crowd laughing] You ever take a thick woman to the ‘hood? That shit’s stressful than a motherfucker. Them ‘hood n*ggas don’t give a fuck you’re with her, they’ll be circling that motherfucker like… [crowd laughing, clapping] [laughing continues] I’d be standing there like I don’t see none of that shit. [crowd laughing] I ain’t getting shot over this motherfucker, n*gga. Putting their dick all on her thighs shit. “You’re just gonna let them do that to me?!” “Let me take this call, I’ll be right back.” Um, I don’t think I’m where I need to be at in my career and shit, you know. I think I’m almost there but I ain’t really there and shit, you know. I can tell I’m not there because, I still got a flyer guy. [crowd laughing] I think if you still got a motherfucker making flyers for you you ain’t really where you, where you really wanna be at in life. [crowd laughing] Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock can post they’re shit, one time. “World Tour. Our latest sellout.” Me? I gotta make individual flyers for every city I go to. And try to appease to them, you know? “Hey, Memphis, I know you like barbeque. Check this slab out tonight at the Comedy Club.” [crowd laughing] Men’s some nasty motherfuckers. Oh we are. You know what we do when we go pee? Any toilet we see, we get to it. If there’s something on the inside rim of that toilet, we gotta piss it off. [crowd laughing] It’s gotta happen. It turn into a game instantly. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck what it is, gum, toilet paper… It could be somebody else’s shit. We don’t care. [crowd laughing] Soon as we see it, we be like, “Oh!” [crowd laughing] We don’t move, n*gga. We froze right on that spot, pissing. When you run out of piss, you be mad as shit, like, [groaning] “No, no! Argh! [groans] Ah, I lost.” [crowd laughing] Let me go get another beer. Who in here used to be racist? [crowd laughing] N*ggas in here like, “Used to be?! [crowd laughing] Still is, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] You know what some racist shit is in hotels? Overhead showers. You ever check into a hotel, they got that motherfucker come out the ceiling down? That’s some racist shit. Yeah, they ain’t thinking about n*ggas. Nah, they’re not. They thinking about white folks. When I see shit like that, that let me know ain’t no Black people on the board over there. If there was, there’d be one n*gga like, “Hell no. This shit here coming straight from the ceiling, we n*ggas don’t want that. Water hit our hair first then the rest of us? No!” White folks like that. That make them feel like they’re in a, rainfall or some waterfall. [crowd continues laughing] Nah. N*ggas want that spout out the wall where the water descend down and we can decide how much water we want on our hair if any. If any. [crowd laughing, clapping] You go straight out the ceiling shit. Now you got motherfuckers washing up like this in that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] This white woman called me a nylph. [crowd jeering, laughing] I was like, “Bitch, I ain’t never be your neighbor.” [crowd laughing] I got no money living next door to me… [laughing] You was thinking neighbor, right, Ma’am? [crowd laughing] Excuse me, white lady, you was thinking “neighbor”? [crowd continues laughing] Would you like to answer the question or get fucked up? You wanna answer the question or get fucked up tonight, which one? You gonna answer the question? Answer! Neighbor? Alright. There we go. Appreciate that. [crowd cheering] She’s still racist too. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] [female voice in crowd laughing] You ain’t Black to me unless you got a case of water on the floor at home. [crowd laughing] That’s how I test n*ggas’ Blackness when I get to their house. I walk around with my hands behind my back. Can I see your pantry please? [crowd laughing] Or laundry room. They’re the same, I think. [crowd laughing] That case of water be dusty than a motherfucker. N*ggas never drink that water, boy. They use it as a stepladder now and shit. [crowd laughing] [Deon snickering] Listen up, white folks. [crowd murmur in laughter] If you go to a Black person’s house, and use their bathroom, and in that bathroom, you see some clean, crispy white towels hanging up… [crowd laughing] You better not touch them motherfucker. [crowd continues laughing] Them for show. [laughing continues] You use your clothes like everybody else. [crowd continues laughing] Tonight, fellas, when you go home to your girl, y’all about to get it in and get it popping and shit like that, she wanna get all the way naked, don’t let her get naked. No. This could be your wife or whoever, don’t let her get all in there. Tell her to keep them panties on, yes. Something about a pair of panties on, man, make you feel like uh, you ain’t supposed to be doing this. [crowd laughing] Like you ain’t got enough time. Yeah, tell her to keep them panties on, goddamn it. Just hook the motherfucker to the side. A nice “hookening” just… Yeah. Catch her at night while she brushing her teeth by the sink, you know, before she go to bed. That’s if y’all brush your teeth at night. [crowd laughing] Aw, don’t do that. Don’t do that. There’s a whole bunch of you goodnight hoes in here right now. [crowd laughing] Wrap your hair up, “Goodnight!” [crowd laughing] [voice whoops in the crowd] Ain’t brush shit but your edges, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] She brushing her teeth, come behind her, n*gga, smack her on that ass and shit, she be like, “What you doing?” Hook the motherfucker over here, slide in the motherfucker. Yeah. Now the elastic from them panties gonna eat that dick up on the left side. Oh yeah, it’s gonna chafe the shit out of that dick but keep going, n*gga, you a soldier, go. Go! No burn, no earn, n*gga, roll! [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] I got some jokes I’m gonna read for y’all real quick. [crowd laughing] Hopefully, y’all like ’em. If y’all don’t, I’ll never see y’all again and all… You ever see a big girl at Whole Foods? [crowd laughing] Anytime I do, I always go up to her and be like, “Today must be your first day.” [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] When you’re in a grocery store checkout line, whose job is it to put the grocery divider down? Is it the person that’s standing there, or the person that walks up because this is a very stressful moment. Go. [crowd laughing] The person standing there. Yeah, fuck that! Why fucking would I put the divider down and probably ain’t nobody even behind me? It should be the job of the person that walks up to put the divider down to buy their groceries. [crowd laughing, cheering] I’m in line, this white dude come behind me like, [groaning] “Ugh!” [crowd laughing] I’m like, “Wait a minute, white n*gga, I ain’t know that was my job to put that down.” Come over here stressing me out, white n*gga. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd laughing] You ever curse when you pray? [crowd laughing] Y’all some bourgeois motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, keep these hating assholes off of a bitch, God. [crowd laughing] Don’t wanna see a bitch be great, God.” [crowd laughing, cheering] You ever asked God to hurt somebody? [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, please kill my supervisor. “I’ll glorify your name forevermore. Shaloh!” [crowd laughing] You ever be wearing some pants, go home take them off? Next day, you wake up, you be like, “Shit. Didn’t nobody see that outfit?” [crowd laughing, cheering] So you put them same pants on. You just going on with your day. About an hour later, you notice a big knot in your pants, and it’s your drawers from yesterday? [crowd laughing] “My good drawers, too. I can’t throw these away.” I just push them up by my dick until I get home. [crowd laughing] White people don’t laugh at that joke ’cause they wear their shit five days any goddamn week. [crowd laughing] Why do you guys do that? [crowd laughing] [Deon clears throat] I only call white people “guys” ’cause it makes them feel comfortable and shit. Y’all n*ggas do it too at work. Put on your white voice and shit. [crowd laugh] “Hey guys, we’re going to lunch.” [crowd laughing] “You’re buying?” “Thanks, guys.” [crowd laughing, some clapping] I never call Black people “guys.” Never call n*ggas “guys.” Like, “Hey guys, wanna smoke a blunt?” [crowd laughing] [Deon sniffs] “Who the fuck you calling guys, n*gga? [crowd laughing] Get your moist ass outa here, motherfucker.” [crowd laughing] Is it racist to say, “No way, Jose”? [crowd laughing] ‘Cause that’s my shit. I love saying it. Let’s find out. Hold on. Where the Hispanic people at? Make some noise. [whooping in crowd ] Hey! I can say that shit, right? [voices in crowd] Yeah! See, this is how you learn, motherfucker. Ask questions. Yeah. Goddamn it. [a few voices in crowd laugh] Can white people say it? [voices in crowd] No! [crowd laughing] Sorry, guys. [crowd continues laughing] They’ll fuck you up. Don’t say it, guys. Refrain. Do vegan women swallow? [crowd laughing] [poof sound] [crowd continues laughing] ‘Cause it’s life so… I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. Protein? [crowd laughing] It’s protein. Men be running that game a long time. “Hey, bitch, get over here and get this protein in your life. Looking a little flimsy on that couch.” [crowd laughing] [female voice in crowd cackling] [crowd laughing unrestrained] Some more testimonial chuckles over here. [crowd laughing, cheering] Late, late, late at night, right before you go to bed, you had some nasty sex. I’m talking about nasty, like, you gotta kill this bitch after y’all done. [crowd laughing] She got secrets on you now. [crowd laughing] Nasty. I’m talking about sucking and licking and cum shots to the face and riding a man’s face raw, moustache all white, just… nasty. [crowd laughing, cheering] And right before you go to bed, do you say your prayers? [crowd laughing unrestrained] I do. [crowd laughing] I had a whole day that happened before that episode that I gotta give God the glory for. So yes, I say my prayers. [crowd laughing] I be on my knees butt-ass naked, glistening. [crowd laughing] Lips stuck together. [crowd laughing] [smacks lips] “Heavenly Father, we thank you for this wonderful day that you created, Lord. [smacks lips] Without Your grace and mercy, I don’t know where I’ll be, Lord.” [crowd continues laughing] [voice in crowd] Oh my God! [crowd continues laughing, muttering indistinctly] I was having sex with this girl and she screamed out, “Deeper!” And I said, “Tighter!” And then, [crowd laughing] and then we both sat there, depressed, [crowd continues laughing] because we knew we weren’t gonna get what we wanted. [crowd laughing and cheering] [continued cheering, whistling] [groans] Oh, man. Here’s a fun fact, pretty women are never in the way. Pretty women are never in the way. They’re not. “Oh, excuse me.” “Nah, you’re straight. You’re good.” [crowd laughing] “No, don’t worry about him. He bleeds in the neck all the goddamn time. You good. Stay where you are. That’s it.” My taste in women changed a lot, you know. The type of women I’m into right now is, lonely women. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whoops] Lonely. Like, lonely. [crowd continues laughing] Like, she gotta use her hanger to zip up her dresses. [crowd laughing] See how there wasn’t a lot of laughter there just then? A lot of women evaluating their lives right now. Yeah, that truth hurt, doesn’t it? Yeah, it was all fun and dandy when I was talking about the fat bitch and old fools, right? Oh yeah, they was in here, kicking it up. [crowd laughing] “Ha ha ha. Fat bitch. Ha ha ha.” [crowd laughing] Lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] You better smile. Everybody gonna know you’re the lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] Smile. Lonely. Motherfucker got a closet full of sundresses. [crowd laughing] [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] Hard to fuck with them zippers. [laughing] Look at all the lonely motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] I’m gonna keep talking about it until you smile. [groaning] Lonely. Bitch ain’t even got a shadow. [crowd laughing] Shadow-less bitches. That’s what I like. Lonely. Motherfucker ain’t never been in the carpool lane. [crowd laughing] “Why they going so fast over there?” You gotta know somebody to be in that lane. You will forever be in traffic. [crowd laughing] Don’t get in your emotions, this is still jokes. Stay with me, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] I like older women. Nice little vintage piece, you dig? Yeah. Gotta have a nice vintage piece in your life. Keep everything all civilized, you know what I’m talking about? Yeah. I love me a nice vintage piece. I love me a woman with more yesterdays than tomorrows. [crowd laughing] Say it again for the people on top. [crowd laughing] [yelling] I love a motherfucker with more yesterdays than tomorrows! [crowd laughter quietens] Yes, nice vintage piece, you dig? Nice nurturing motherfucker. Yes. Treat you so good, you understand why her son won’t leave. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker 38, still at home. He moved his girlfriend in. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] All her money be warm. [crowd laughing] “Go get me some bread.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Hmmm! [crowd laughing] Every time we get in her old ass car, it takes us 15 minutes to pull off. Now she gotta find the right CD to play in her book of CDs. [crowd laughing] “This ain’t it. Hand me that red book down there. This ain’t it. The one that say “nephew.” Give me that. Now where’s my Sounds of Blackness?” [crowd laughing] She always making me feel sick. Be coming to my house, “Ooh, it’s hot in here!” What you got the heat on?” “The air’s on 65.” “No, it ain’t! You must be sick! Go in there and take some Theraflu.” Three p.m. n*gga, I’m drowsy than a motherfucker. Fucking with this motherfucker on her hot flashes. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker has seven fan chains on. [crowd laughing] Everywhere we go, I gotta get this bitch a cup of crushed ice. [crowd laughing] Y’all sleep with an older woman? [whooping] Whoop! They’ll wear your ass out, boy. An older woman? Aw, n*gga, their… A hole will outlast a pole on them motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] They’ll wear your ass out, n*gga. If they don’t catch no cramp, shit. [crowd laughing, clapping] Wear your ass out. Fuck your ass into slave sleep. [crowd laughing] You ever have slave sleep, n*gga? [Deon snickering] It’s an inch from death, n*gga. You be… [crowd laughing] Cotton field sleep, n*gga, that… [crowd laughing] Older woman will fuck you to slave sleep. Now when you have sex with an older woman, they don’t be making a whole bunch of noises and shit, nah. They just give you encouragement. [crowd laughing] “Go ahead in there, baby. Go ahead. Get in there. No, go ahead. This ain’t my first rodeo. You ain’t gotta be shy. Go ahead. Push it on in there. Push it. There you go! There he is! I knew he’s show up. There he is! Go on ahead, baby. Put that back, where I had that leg. Put that back. Put it back. There you go now. Go on, big guy. Go on, get up in. There ya go. Alright now, get off them knees. Get off them knees.” [crowd continues laughing] What she want me off my knees for? [crowd laughing] I keep all my vintage women the same. I keep them all farsighted. [crowd laughing] They can see for miles and miles and miles. But when we in bed together, shoulder to shoulder, and I’m texting hella hoes… [crowd laughing] she can’t see none of that shit. And I keep my fonts real small. [crowd laughing, clapping] My screen black as night. [crowd laughing] She be trying to see, though. That motherfucker be like… [crowd continues laughing] Don’t strain your brain, bitch. You know you can’t see this shit. But when she put on them readers, [crowd laughing] them Walgreen Number Threes, [crowd laughing] the one with the chain on the back of them motherfuckers? That bitch could see through my sim card wearing them motherfuckers. Put my phone under the mattress, n*gga. [laughing] I keep a young piece too, you dig. Yeah, it’s all about balance, you know what I’m talking about. Yeah. All about balance. That’s what it is. She keep me vibrant. Keep me on my toes and shit, you know. Always show me the cool little TikTok videos and shit. We busting up together and shit. I be like, “Ha ha ha, send me that.” [crowd laughing] That make her happy when I tell her, “Send me that.” That mean the video hot. She be like, “Oh, let me send it to you.” [crowd laughing] She’d be playing me all the new music out and shit. And I be blowing her mind ’cause I tell her where all her original samples come from and songs. [crowd clapping] I be like, “You know, Curtis Mayville made that, right?” Like, “What?!” [crowd laughing] I keep all my young pieces the same too. None of them can read cursive. [crowd laughing] You know they don’t teach penmanship in college, right? It’s all typity-type type type. Yeah, they don’t know how to read cursive, motherfucker. Cursive is the new pig Latin, n*gga. [crowd laughing] They can’t read that shit. Show a young person the big S in cursive. They don’t know what it is. They’d be like, “What’s that? The infinity sign? What the fuck is that?” They don’t know. [crowd laughing] I’d be writing love letters to my vintage bitch in front of my little young piece. [crowd laughing] She don’t know what the fuck going on there. She be trying to follow my pen and shit. [crowd laughing] Mail it. [crowd laughing] Getting old is the goal. Know that getting old, is the goal. [crowd clapping, cheering] You want to be at a certain age in your life, man. You wanna get there and shit. Your 40, upper 40, your 50s and shit. You wanna be there like, it’s a sexy place to be, goddamn it. I promise you that, boy. For real. [crowd whooping, clapping] There’s a I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that just, drench your mind, body and soul. Unlike you ever been before. [crowd continues cheering] There’s a selfishness too that you love and embrace, goddamn it. You don’t care about shit. Not even your kids. [crowd laughing, clapping] You’re like, “I did the best I could do. Y’all get the fuck out.” [crowd laughing, muttering indistinctly] If you got a kid over the age of 19, you got the right to say you don’t have kids. [crowd laughing] Next time you go out, ladies, and the motherfucker like, “How many kids you got? You like, “None. What we drinking?” [crowd laughing] I be asking women. I be like, “You got any grownups?” [crowd laughing] You know, I’m old and I embrace that shit, goddamn it. This is my shit, goddamn it. I’m at that age now where as soon as I get somewhere, I’m ready to go. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck how long it took me to get ready. I don’t care how long it took me to get there. I go on that bitch and spin around. [crowd laughing, clapping] Alright. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whooping] I used to think old people were rude. They always cut your off when you’re talking. But that ain’t the case. They just got say what they gotta say before they forget it. [crowd laughing] I do that same shit now. You could be telling me a cure for AIDS. I’ll be like this, “What?! All you go to do is… “Wait, wait, wait. They got greens on sale down the street.” [crowd laughing] “Alright. Back to AIDS. Go ahead.” [crowd laughing] I’m old, n*gga. I’ll be working out to slow music. [crowd laughing] ♪ It’s seven o’clock On the dot I’ll be in ♪ ♪ My droptop cruising the streets ♪ [crowd laughing] ♪ Pretty little lady ♪ Fuck all that fast shit. It’s about to burn, n*gga. The slow burn. [crowd laughing] You know you’re old when your favorite DJ start wearing glasses. [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] Like, look at Kid Capri blind ass up there. [crowd laughing, clapping] [Deon blabbing] [crowd laughing] I can’t chew and hear at the same time. [crowd laughing] I cannot eat cornflakes and watch CNN. [crowd laughing, clapping] I will miss valuable information. I gotta stop chewing in order to hear. [crunching sounds] [mimicking crushing sounds] “Who got murdered? What the fuck they talking about?” My vintage bitch be sitting there eating oatmeal. [crowd laughing] “If you ate oatmeal, you’d know who got murdered now.” [crowd laughing] Motherfucker always got one up on me, doesn’t she? [crowd laughing] I can’t fuck on a full stomach. [crowd laughing] Too old for that shit. I ain’t doing that shit no more. “We gonna fuck before we eat. [crowd laughing] I’ma feed you. [crowd laughing] You just gotta trust me. [crowd laughing] You want me to sign something, I’ll sign something. But we’re fucking first.” [crowd laughing] I’m sick of going to eat, coming back trying to fuck all bloated and shit. Here come your big ass crawling on top of me. [breathless] And I got to breathe like this so I don’t throw up on your ass. You ever catch the ‘itus and try to fuck, n*gga, you be like… [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd] Too old! Too old to fuck with squirters. You can handle this. This grown talk we doing. I don’t fuck with that squirt shit. That shit is silly. [crowd laughing] That some young man shit. That’s silly, shit, that squirt shit is silly. [crowd laughing] You don’t even know what that shit is, do you? Well, don’t come over to my house shooting that shit all over the goddamn place. You calm that pussy down. [crowd laughing] That pussy don’t know how to act, you and that pussy get the fuck out my house. Fucking my sheets up and shit. You know long it take a n*gga my age to change sheets? [crowd laughing] I gotta put this corner on and come around here. Put this corner on then that corner to pop off then I gotta come back over. Lay on the bed and hold this part with my foot. Put this here, then I realize I put the short side on the long side of the bed. Now I gotta lift all that shit up with the pillows up and turn it around. [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch, you squirt in my bed, I’ll sling your ass smooth out my window. [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. [female voice in crowd laughs] [crowd laughing] So many testimonial cries in here tonight! [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. When I was young, I lay on my back, that shit come out like a oil rig. Hey. [Deon] Hey! [crowd laughing] Ceiling fan going around, I hit every blade on that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] Not no more. Now my shit is more like a fondue machine. [crowd laughing] It just come up and over the sides. [crowd laughing, clapping] It ain’t just me. There’s some fondue n*ggas out here. Any n*gga hairline back here fondued out. Any bald head n*gga fondulicous n*gga. Women, you seen the progression of that shit from you when you was younger till now. Back in the day, yous had to run to catch that nut then, you’ll be like… [crowd laughing] Now, you just sit there and be patient. [crowd laughing] [mic reverberates] [crowd laughing] [blowing sound] Yo Brooklyn, I’m Deon Cole. [crowd cheering] [crowd cheering, whistling] I wanna tell y’all something real quick. When y’all come to these comedy shows, and specials and shit like that, man, do me a favor, y’all. Give it and then what I’m about to say, I ain’t saying this for claps, so I want you to hear me. Give the comedian’s love, y’all. ‘Cause I’m a let you know something. Comedians be some hurt motherfuckers, man. We gotta put away everything that’s bothering us in order to come make y’all happy and we not complaining. It’s part of the job. A boxer get hit, so that’s just the job and shit. But you never understand what the comic is going through. He has to constantly be doing this shit and being happy around everybody when his whole fucking world is caving the fuck in. And y’all don’t know that. That’s a lot of hurt motherfucking comics out there. Me, personally? I’m coming out here doing the special and shit but this past year was hard for me, y’all. I lost my aunty, two of my uncles, my mother’s best friend, and I lost my moms. My mom, is the only thing I have ’cause like, I’m the only child and it’s just her. I ain’t have no father and no brothers and sisters and shit. It’s just her, and I lost her. And I lost her a year to this day. She died last year this day. And I said to myself, “I want her name to ring and I want her to be out here and live through me.” [crowd cheering] But hold on. That shit devastated me and I’ve been fucked up ever since. But when I come out here and I get love from y’all, I’ll be good. But I know there’s other people out there going through the same thing, man. They told me there’s a club called the 50 Club. And motherfuckers close to 50 or at 50, we lose our parents ’cause our parents is like 70 and 80 and shit. There’s a lot of people going through the same thing I’m going through right now. I’m not normal, motherfucker, I promise you. And I’m trying to live normal every fucking day. I’m trying to find a new normal in this fucking world. But when you got people like that, and I know y’all out there, I know you lost your parents, and I’m here to tell you, man, you ain’t alone. I’m here for you as long as everybody else is too. And anybody that you see who lost their parents, you embrace them. Go try and make them still be normal as fuck, they’re not. They hurting, they crushed. And they lost. Just like me. So I dedicate this to my mother, Charleen Cole. I love you to death, Ma. And thank y’all, Brooklyn, I hope you had a wonderful time. I love you, Mommy. I miss you so much. [crowd cheering] And I thank y’all Brooklyn, man. I appreciate y’all, man. [crowd cheering] [somber music playing] [crowd continues cheering] [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd whistling] [crowd continues cheering]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Fortune Feimster: Good Fortune (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fortune-feimster-good-fortune-transcript/

[upbeat music plays] [audience cheering] [announcer] Please welcome Fortune Feimster! ♪ I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I ♪ ♪ Powerful woman, oh, yeah ♪ [cheering] Oh man! Stop! [cheering continues] Stop! Chicago, what’s going on? [cheering] Oh man! Thank you for being here at the beautiful Chicago Shakespeare Theater. [cheering] A lot has transpired in the last couple of years, right? The world has dealt with some crazy stuff. It felt like the end of times, and I thought lesbians would be built for that, you know? [laughter] Put us in a bunker with some canned hams, we’re good. [laughter] But things went south, and I learned a lot about myself. I found out I have zero survival skills. None. All I had to do was stay home. I got nothing accomplished. No sourdough was started in my house. I didn’t learn how to make cold brew. Nothing. It was my partner, Jax, who surprised me. She was the one outside painting our fence, rewired our electricity, fixed our plumbing. I was the one on the couch every night, just watching documentaries about old people in love. [sighs] Just crying in my Ugg boots. [laughter] I found out, y’all. I’m not butch. [laughter] Yeah. [cheering and applause] I am not butch, which is shocking, I know, ’cause I have these broad shoulders and my favorite color is plaid. [laughter] But this is a preview to a whole different movie than what you think you’re about to watch. As they say, the carpet does not match the drapes. Two things that I do not know how to install. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I look very handy, though. I do. I look handy. If you saw me and your car was broken down, you might assume I could fix your car. I got that look about me, ’cause that is what a butch lady can do. She can literally put your car on her back… [laughter] …and walk it to a service station. [laughter] She can actually just spit in your gas tank… [imitates spitting] …and your car will start. [laughter] [sighs] Magical. But that is not me. And men are the most mystified by this information. They come up to me constantly at, like, a Home Depot because they assume I work there. [laughter] They’re like, “Uh, what’s up, dude? Um…” “Where are the nails?” I’m like, “Ooh, I’m here for a potted plant.” [laughter] “I do know they sell M&M’s at the checkout.” [laughter and applause] We got bored at one point, and we drove out to the desert in California, out to Joshua Tree, and I noticed up ahead on the freeway, there was this car broken down, and this guy whose car it was, he was really tall. He was ripped, shirtless, he had a man bun. Straight ladies, are we still into man buns? [woman] No! Oh, hard no right there. Wow. This guy had on black-and-white striped pants. Looked like a gorgeous prisoner that had escaped. Now his car is broken down on the side of the road. I’m driving past him, I look over my shoulder, I realize it’s Jason Momoa. Yeah. Oh, you like man buns now, don’t you? Yeah. That’s what I thought. [applause] It was Aquaman, miles from the ocean, just stranded in the desert without his superpowers. Beautiful, shirtless. I kept driving. [laughter] We’ve been over this. I can’t fix his car. I can’t give him a BJ while he waits for somebody else to fix his car. I got nothing for this man. [laughter] I did the next best thing. When I had to get gas, I went to his Instagram page. “Let me just double-check to see if it was him.” To me, all dudes look alike. [laughter] Went on his page, he had posted a picture of him in the black-and-white striped pants, side of the road. I went, “Oh my God, that was Jason Momoa.” And I gave his picture a like. [laughter and applause] I did my part. But I’m a lot different than what meets the eye. I am a dainty lady. I am a delicate flower. I like a massage every now and then. This girl likes to be pampered, y’all. I got a butt massage for the first time recently. Have y’all had one of those? Oh man! I’m not talking about an elbow to the glute. I’m talking full-on butt, booty massage. I mean, I was at this very respectable spa, on my stomach, and this guy just started going in on my ass. [laughter] Making noises too. [exhaling loudly] I went… [gasps] [laughter] I clutched my invisible pearls. [laughter] I had never been touched by a man like this before. [laughter] He just kept digging into my butt, and he unlocked some sort of treasure. [laughter] I had never felt anything that good before. I went home that night light as a feather. A whole new woman. I cooked a three-course meal. I don’t even know how to cook. [laughter] I called a few days later. I had to book another appointment. This guy was booked solid for a month. I was like, “Oh, this is, like, his thing. He’s the butt massage guy, and everybody knows about it.” So I finally got back in there a month later, same thing. Went in on my ass. [exhales loudly] This time for, like, 30 minutes. He spent more time on my butt than I have ever spent taking care of my face. [laughter] He wouldn’t touch anything else. Like, my feet, “Ugh, gross! Ugh.” Just all butt. Went home. Called a couple of days later to make another appointment. [laughter] He had gotten fired. [laughter] Yeah, somebody ruined it for all of us. Freaking butt narc. [laughter] [groans] Turns out he unlocked too many treasures. [laughter] But the one person I did not want to find out that I’m not as tough as I appear is my partner, Jax. I did not want her to know this information, because before me, she dated nothing but butch women, and I’m talking butch. I’m talking cops, truckers, and bouncers. Oh my! [laughter] Butch. I’m a whole different vibe. I’m like, “Who wants a hug?” Like, so different. But we were going to this fancy Hollywood event, and I was trying to play the part, so I had on my Men’s Wearhouse suit. [laughter] Jax had on her dress and heels, and we got a phone call from the alarm company. They said our home alarm was going off, and did we want them to send security out to check? I said, “Absolutely.” We turn back around. We get home, and nobody’s there yet. Jax shifts. She goes, “Well, we got to go in and assess the situation.” I’m like, “No, we don’t.” [laughter] She said, “Well, my ex, Darlene, who was a cop, said that home alarms are the lowest of the priority.” I was like, “Wait.” “I thought that ex’s name was Pam.” She’s like, “There is a Darlene and a Pam. Maybe you’re thinking about Sheila.” I’m like, “How many cops?” [laughter] [groans] She dated, like, the whole lady force of Chicago. [laughter] She said, “You’re really not gonna go inside and check the house?” I said, “No!” So she grabbed the high heel off of her foot like this and held it up like a weapon, and she charged in there with one shoe off. [laughter] Just going room to room, like she was gonna Jimmy Choo someone’s face if they jumped out. I stayed in the doorway ’cause I had on flats. [laughter] I’m like, “How am I gonna protect myself? I don’t have a kitten heel on, nothing.” [laughter] I heard a noise at one point, so I held the key fob up higher. [laughter] I was like, “I will press this button, I swear to God. It says ‘Panic, ‘ and I’m panicked.” [laughter] The alarm company called, they said it was a false alarm. A battery had died in one of the sensors. They said, “We are so sorry. We hope we did not cause you any inconvenience.” I said, “My partner now knows I am useless. This is very inconvenient.” [laughter] Jax came hobbling out. She said, “You could have at least gone in there with me.” I was like, “Oh my God, that did not even occur to me.” [laughter] So I am not the protector of my family. And I know why Jax is so strong. I do. She is a kindergarten teacher, and they are tough. They have to be. [cheering] Yeah. That’s a hard job. [applause] But I think about when I was in kindergarten in the ’80s, and, oh boy, they just let you do whatever. I have a picture of me at five years old in kindergarten class, and I am holding a hammer… [laughter] …and nails. I mean, first off, somebody should have taught me how to use ’em. [laughter] But I’m like, “Why am I holding a hammer and nails?” Were we practicing hammering? Was the teacher like, “All right, class, we’re gonna build shelves for the classroom, and then afterwards, maybe a nice bench for my garage”? That’s bonkers. Imagine your five-year-old right now. They cannot color inside of a giant circle, but you’re gonna hand them a large, heavy hammer and hope that they can hit this itty-bitty, tiny nail. No! But that’s the kind of stuff that they would do in the ’80s. I mean, recess alone was like, “Godspeed.” You were on your own. I mean, think about it. Our favorite game, dodgeball. You were taking a large, heavy ball and you were pummeling each other in the face as hard as you can. That’s where we had to learn to Matrix. [laughter] To keep from getting our teeth knocked in. That game did come in handy for me a little bit later on in high school. I dodged a couple of balls. Not many. Um… [laughter] Never caught one. It was actually Red Rover that would get the most intense. You guys remember Red Rover? [cheering] You get in a line with your friends and you lock arms. Your other friends would get in a line across from you and they’d lock arms. And then you yell, “Hold the line! Hold the line!” Like we’re Braveheart. [laughter] You’re staring your friends down from across the field. Your only objective is to run as hard as you can right towards that line, and they just wanna break your arm. [laughter] Then all you wanna do is when they’re running towards you, you wanna grab your neighbor’s arm, you wanna pull your arms up, and then you just wanna crush their clavicle. [laughter] And then you start taunting each other. You go, “Red Rover, Red Rover, you send that little bitch Timmy…” [laughter] “…right on over.” [cheering and applause] Timmy gets that look in his eye. He starts running as hard as he can. We’re like, “Hold the line!” Here he comes. We grab each other’s arm. We pull our line up. Now Timmy’s crashed through our line. Now our arm’s dangling from the socket. [laughter] We’re like, “Did we win? Did we hold the line?” Your teacher’s not doing anything. She’s over there on the blacktop, just smoking a Virginia Slim. [laughter] Having some sort of midlife crisis. [laughter] She’s like, “They don’t pay me enough to care about that.” [laughter] The PE equipment was insane. We had merry-go-rounds. They’re metal death traps. They were only fun if you would spin ’em 60 miles an hour, and then we would try to run and jump on ’em while they’re moving. [laughter] It’s like trying to jump on the hood of a moving vehicle. But there was nowhere to land. There was already 20 friends in a nook just going around. [laughter] Couldn’t touch anything ’cause it’s 135 degrees in the sun. Inevitably one friend would fall off and get trapped. “Agh!” Bleeding from the kneecap now, we’re trying to get our teacher’s attention. She’s like, “20 more minutes!” [laughter] “This is me time.” [laughter] And because I’m from North Carolina, we used to play with tires. Yeah, I’m talking about tires that fell off of a Mack truck, rolled into the elementary school parking lot. Our administrators are like, “Well, we don’t got much of a budget, so we’ll figure out something to do with these old things.” These were large tires. You stand them up, they’re this tall, like 75 pounds, hollow in the middle. We had a hill in the back of our elementary school, so it was our teachers who had to push these tires up that hill, [grunts] Just so angry, just pushing them up there. They’re like, “I have a master’s in education.” [laughter] We ran up there, we took our little five-year-old bodies, and we would… We got into the middle of these tires. Our friend would take their five-year-old body, get in the other one. Then it was our teachers who would get behind each tire, and get momentum. [laughter] “All right, you little fuckers.” [laughter] “Get ready for the ride of your life.” And then they pushed us down a hill. We got speeds of, like, 20 miles an hour, 40 miles an hour, 60 miles an hour. There’s no handle. You’re just like… [yells] We crashed into a brick wall, flew out of the tire, vomited. [laughter] Your teacher came down the hill, put her cigarette out on your forehead. She’d be like, “Recess is dismissed. In fact, school’s dismissed. I got to go meet my man friend who I connected with via the newspaper.” [laughter] And that was recess in the ’80s. [cheering and applause] It was a different time, y’all. It was when you could take a large calculator and write the word “boobs.” Ah. My favorite number, 80085. [cheering] [Fortune chuckles] I mean, yeah, kids can get their phone out right now and see as many boobs as they want, but who got to write it out in numbers? We did. [cheering and applause] Good times, y’all. But I’m glad to be in a relationship. I like it. It suits me. Dating is hard. It’s really hard. I don’t know. You got to go on apps and swipe and do the things. Like, if I were single, my favorite dating app would be Grubhub. [laughter] For sure. I think swingers have it figured out. I do. It had to be tough for them dating in the pandemic, uh, but they have ways to let each other know that they are swingers. Did you guys know this? I’m gonna teach you. All right. I found out that if you want to let people know that you are a swinger, you can put flamingos in your front yard. Yeah. It gets very confusing in Florida and at my mom’s house. [laughter] Maybe that’s why she’s been busy on the weekends. I don’t know. [laughter] I don’t quite understand it. Do people just drive around the neighborhoods looking for a flock of flamingos? They see it, they ring your doorbell and tell you they’re down to clown. I don’t know. But I like it. There’s also, uh, an upside-down pineapple. You can put an upside-down pineapple on your front porch. Don’t put it right side up. That is just a pineapple. [laughter] I always assumed that an upside-down pineapple was letting people know that you like cake. [laughter] I would stop and ring a stranger’s doorbell for cake. [laughter] But I actually got approached by a swinger couple after a show. Uh, they came up to me. Yeah, it was very exciting. And I am not an ageist, I am just telling you a fact. This is just a fact of the story. They both had canes. [laughter] So this was not their first rodeo. [laughter] And the wife informed me that her husband really enjoyed the show, which I very much appreciated, and she said that he had told her by the end of the show that she was allowed to get with me. [laughter] [snickers] Sexually? I don’t know. [laughter] I didn’t know what to say. So I curtsied. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Which is not a no. [laughter] But it is polite. [laughter] But you got to put yourself out there, date different people. I went out with different people. I went out with a nurse at one point. And God bless nurses. They have gotten us through this crazy time. [cheering and applause] Yeah. I thought it would be different. I thought she’d come home in a sexy nurse outfit and be like, “Who’s got an owie?” And I’d be like, “Me.” [laughter] But it didn’t work like that. She’d come home in her dirty-ass scrubs. She brought her work home with her. She was always following me around with a clipboard, asking me about my bowel movements. She thought I should lose weight, which, touché. [laughter] I’m just saying it wasn’t fun to eat nachos with her, ’cause she’d look at me and then look at the nachos and be like, “Okay.” [laughter] “All right. Well, someone made a choice.” “Mm-hm.” “Three kinds of cheeses, sour cream, and liquid cheese?” [laughter] I’m like, “It’s called queso.” [laughter] “And it’s Spanish for heart disease.” [laughter] “And it’s delicious.” I knew it wasn’t gonna work out right then and there. I was trying to find, like, a legitimate excuse to break things off. She’s doing the Lord’s work, and I didn’t wanna just be like, “Hey, you bum me out when I eat nachos.” [laughter] Then I eventually met Jax right here in Chicago. [cheering and applause] At Gay Pride. Yeah. [cheering] There’s hope. We met in a parking lot. [chuckles] We met in a parking lot. That’s how few lesbian bars are left in the United States. The lesbians are just relegated to a parking lot where you can either party or valet cars. It’s up to you. [laughter] But we dated for a bit, but I knew pretty early on that, uh, Jax was the one. And it got to the point where I knew it was time to propose, and I’m not known for romance, so I called my friend. I said, “Where should I propose to Jax?” And she said, “Oh, you got to go to Big Sur.” And no, that was not my nickname in high school. [laughter] It’s a town in California out by the coast, really beautiful bridges and cliffs. She said, “There’s this hotel, very romantic, call there.” I called the hotel, and whoever was on the phone was upselling everything. I just wanted a standard cabin. She goes, “Whoa! You’re gonna propose? Don’t you be cheap, okay? Don’t be cheap. You better upgrade to that ocean view, I’m telling you. It’s worth it. It’s gonna knock her tits off.” [laughter] I don’t know if she actually said that, but that was the energy she was bringing to the conversation. I’m like, “Fine.” I paid a bunch of extra money, got this ocean view that’s supposed to be great, and off we went. We get up there to this cabin, I walk in. A very old cabin, very expensive cabin. I said, “But wait till you see this view.” And I’m about to open that back door, and I say to her, “Hold on to your titties.” [laughter] And I open that back door, we walk outside, and it is just fog, fog, fog. Just a hateful fog. I’m like, “What is this? An 1800s lesbian period piece? Why is there so much fog? Is Kate Winslet down there searching for fossils?” [laughter] [groans] Not how I wanted things to start, but I was like, “It’s fine.” My plan was I was gonna take her to their fancy restaurant for dinner, and then I would go back to the room, and that is where I would propose. So I, uh… I called ahead to the hotel and I say, “Can you guys help me make our room look like it does in The Bachelor?” I don’t know, ladies seem to like that. “Can we get some candles and rose petals, uh, how about some champagne? How about some strawberries? But let’s dip them in chocolate. Otherwise it’s fruit.” [laughter] They said absolutely, charged me a bunch of money. Happy to pay, happy to have the help. So off we went. We go to dinner. I go find the waiter ’cause I need his help. I tell him what’s going on. So I walk up to him and I see that his name is Craig. And Craig is very dramatic. I think that he does local theater up there. [laughter] So I walk up to him. I go, “Hi, Craig,” and he goes, “Hi.” [laughter] I said, “Craig, I am going to be proposing to my girlfriend tonight,” and he goes, “Oh… my… God!” [laughter] He reminded me of the candlestick in Beauty and the Beast. Just a lot of, like, “You will propose, and the curse will be broken!” [laughter] I was like, “Thank you. I’m very excited, but I’m nervous. I don’t want dinner to drag on. This ring is burning a hole in my pocket. So they’re doing stuff to our room. Do you mind near the end of dinner, calling the front desk, finding out if our room is ready, then giving me some sort of signal, and that’s when I’ll know to wrap it up?” He goes, “Absolutely. You got it.” [laughter] I said, “You don’t need to offer dessert, I’m taking care of that in the room.” He goes, “Okay.” And then he turns around like this… [laughter] …and leaves. [laughter] I’m like, “I like Craig.” So we start eating this meal, and every course that comes out just ends up being weirder than the next. It’s too fancy for us. It’s too fancy. It’s a lot of foams and tentacles and shells. A lot of stuff from that “ocean” I keep hearing about. [laughter] So everything is just a hair off, but we finally finish dinner, and, uh, I’m ready to get the night going, and Craig goes, “Hi, ladies. Who wants dessert?” I’m like, “Not us, Craig.” He goes, “Oops!” [laughter] I was like, “Craig! You had two jobs, bud.” [laughter] How could someone be so excited and incompetent all in one body? [laughter] So now Jax is very confused, ’cause she’s never not seen me order dessert. [laughter] And I’m staring at her and I don’t know what to say. I’m thinking about getting this right, I want it to be perfect. It’s the one story that everybody asks you about. They want every detail. And Craig’s not coming, he’s not coming. It is the least romantic dinner of our life. And then finally, after what felt like a lifetime, Craig sneaks up behind Jax. [laughter] And he’s now hovering over her shoulder. She has no idea that he is behind her, and he is just staring at me so… intensely. [laughter] I have been with Jax for seven years. We have never looked at each other in the eye for as long as Craig is staring at me. [exhales] Then finally, he goes… “Mm!” [laughter] So proud of himself. Turns around. Into the fog, never to be seen of again. [cheering and applause] We’re heading to the room. I’m trying to think of all the things I want to say to Jax. I just want it to be perfect, I want it to be romantic. We’re getting up to the door, I’m starting to sweat. I’m getting nervous, and when I get nervous, I start doing finger guns. [laughter] So I look at Jax and start going… [laughter] And then I am ready to open that door to romance. We walk in there, and it just looks like a crime scene. [laughter] Our eyes are adjusting ’cause it’s weirdly lit. You know what a room looks like when just the bathroom light’s been left on? I’m looking around, there’s, like, 50 tea light candles, but they’re all battery-operated. And half of them are just dead. They’re just dead. Ten are flickering, like, “We’re trying!” [laughter] My OCD brain is like, “Who made this call?” But I can’t even focus on it because I’m standing on a mound of something. There are rose petals everywhere. Everywhere! Not in any way that makes sense. There’s no heart shape or initials. It’s just chaos. It looks like someone opened that back door, a bunch of shit flew in the room, then they grabbed a leaf blower… [imitates leaf blower buzzing] …and called it a night. I’m like, “Did I order the ‘It’ll Do’ package?” [laughter] “What is this?” And when you guys think of roses and romance, what color do you think of? [audience] Red! Red? Interesting. [laughter] Well, these were white rose petals, half-dead. I googled later, “What do white roses stand for?” It’s chastity. Yeah. This is, in fact, an 1800s lesbian period piece. [laughter] So even though they did not apparently allow real candles in this cabin, they did light a roaring fireplace, and that was exactly where they decided to place the chocolate-covered strawberries and the bucket of ice with champagne. Both are just profusely dripping onto the floor. Nothing about this scenario makes Jax think that she is about to get proposed to. [laughter] I have a split second to decide which direction I am going with this night. Do I call the front desk and be like, “Somebody broke into our room and destroyed it”? [laughter] Or do I lean into this and pretend that every single thing that is happening in that room is exactly how I planned it? So now I’m staring at Jax like a deer in headlights. I can’t think of any of the romantic things I was gonna say to her. I’m sweating again. I’m getting nervous. Oh man, here come the finger guns. [laughter] I forget to get on my knee. I can’t think of anything. I’m panicked, so I just go… [laughter] And I yelled, “You wanna?” [laughter] Jax curtsied. [laughter and applause] And then, thank goodness, she said yes. [cheering and applause] Phew. So, um… So now that we were engaged, we had to start planning our wedding. And we were engaged for a while, ’cause truth be told, Jax and I are not big planners. And then my mom, Ginger, started offering up her wedding planning services. And I was like, “Oh boy.” Because my mom got remarried later on in life, and I was at that wedding, and, um, my mom had a circus theme. [laughter] Yeah. She was marrying this old-school Southern guy who sounded like Foghorn Leghorn. [laughter] He was not part of the planning. Uh, I don’t know if my mom thought she was planning a 12-year-old’s birthday party or her wedding, but that’s what happened. It was a circus theme. She invited 300 people. That’s right, 300 people. To come to the Methodist church for this big party. And she rented a red-and-white striped circus tent and had them put it inside the fellowship hall. Not outside where tents go. Inside. [laughter] She rented a cotton candy maker. She said,” I’m gonna serve nachos with ‘jalapee-nos, ‘” as she called them. There was a juggler. I guess I was the clown. [laughter] She had just 12 gallons of ice cream. The main entrée was a hot dog cart. She just found some guy on the side of the road the week before, and was like, “What are you doing on Saturday?” And this guy got there. I don’t think he’d sold more than 20 hot dogs in a day. And now he has 300 starving people wrapped around the church, just desperate for one of his wieners. [laughter] He was just like, “Agh!” Panic. In the middle of this party, there were two round, plastic baby pools. I was like, “Are we bobbing for apples now?” No. My mom had put ice in both of these plastic baby pools and then put canned soft drinks in both of these pools and announced to the party that these were our coolers. [laughter] I walked in there and I saw two plastic baby pools being used as coolers, and I thought, “Here I am working so hard in Los Angeles, trying to make a name for myself, and we are trash.” [laughter] “We are trash.” My mom’s man friend walked in there in his penny loafers, not knowing what was going on. He about fainted. Like, “I do declare!” [laughter] But the best part was the entertainment. They had a woman from the church choir singing, and this was her big solo moment, and she took center stage so confidently, and she started singing. ♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪ ♪ Over the hill and everywhere ♪ ♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪ ♪ That Ginger ♪ ♪ Got married ♪ [cheering and applause] Oh, there was more. She started singing… ♪ Oh when the saints go marching in ♪ ♪ Oh when the saints go marching in ♪ ♪ How I want to be in that number ♪ ♪ When the saints go marching ♪ ♪ In ♪ [cheering] [Fortune laughs] That marriage lasted three months. [laughter] That circus tent was up longer than my mom’s marriage lasted. So… [laughs] We started planning our wedding and, uh, did not involve my mom. The pandemic hit, and we thought, “Well, I guess we’re not gonna be able to get married.” Uh, but then the fall came, it was October, and we’re like, “Actually, this is the perfect time to get married. We can do it how we want and we don’t have to worry about anybody else.” So yeah, it was great. [applause] We planned it in two weeks, rented an Airbnb out by the ocean, had a stranger in a mask be our officiant. We Zoomed our families. I think my mom is still on that Zoom call. [laughter] And it’s not how either of us ever thought that we would get married, but it ended up being perfect ’cause it was just about us and just about our day, and, uh, we even got baptized that day. Not on purpose. [laughter] But… But we were taking these, uh, these photographs, and we saw the sun was setting, and there was these stairs down to the ocean. We were like, “Oh my gosh, we got to get a picture here.” So we stand over there, and our amazing photographer got a series of pictures. And in our first picture, we look beautiful. We look like, uh, two lesbians at prom together. [laughter] Gorgeous picture. Our second picture, we’re kind of doing this ’cause something is looming over us. Like the principal who’s angry that two lesbians went to prom together. [laughter] Then in the third picture, we’re doing this because the ocean is now crashing into our earholes. Fourth picture, we’re completely covered by water. Fifth picture, the ocean’s been sucked back out to sea, and we’re dripping wet like… [laughter] “So glad we decided to take this picture in the sunset.” [laughter] We have all these pictures, and I think it means it’s good luck. That’s what I’ve been told. It’s good luck. We’re gonna go with that. But, uh, a few days after we got married, they announced online that we had gotten married, and we got a lot of love and a lot of support, which I really appreciate. [cheering and applause] I try to put out positivity, so when it comes back to me, it means so much. I try not to focus on negative stuff. I try to surround myself, uh, with positive things. I try not to read negative comments, but in a job like mine, you do hear from a lot of people. And I don’t see everything, but occasionally a turd will get through. [laughter] And I happened to see this message on that day that was sent to me directly. And, uh, I wanted to read that message to you guys, if that’s okay. [woman] Yes! Yes! All right. It’s from a guy named Gary, and, uh, I will preface it with you are not going to like this message, but we are going to unpack it together. [laughter] So here’s what Gary wrote to me on the day it was announced that I got married. He said, “How long have you and your wife been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians who should be put in Alcatraz?” I was like, “Wow, that is very specific.” [laughter] There was no grammar in that message, by the way. He was like, “Mentally ill taco licking…” I’m like, “I think he means ‘mentally ill, ‘ comma, ‘taco, ‘ hyphen…” You guys get it. Already I’m doing him favors. [laughter] And I guess I was bored on this particular day, because I was like, “I just got to see what this person looks like. Who sends a message like this to a complete stranger?” So I went on his page, and he did not have a picture of himself. It was a picture of an American flag, and written across of it, it said, “We need God in America again.” That is what Gary leads with on Instagram, and then that was the message that he sent me. I was like, “I don’t know that God would be into the phrase ‘taco-licking.'” [laughter] Call me crazy, which he did… [laughter] …but that did not sound very Christ-like to me. [laughter] By the way, there is nowhere in the Bible where it says what you can or cannot do with your Mexican food. Just so you know. [cheering and applause] That is up to you, my friends. So then Gary said that we should be put in Alcatraz. Now, I don’t know if he doesn’t have Google… [laughter] …but Alcatraz has not been a prison for a while. If that’s what he intended, it’s not a prison. It’s actually a museum, and it’s a museum in San Francisco, which is one of the gayest cities in the whole world. [cheering and applause] I’m like, “Is Gary telling me I should be in a gay museum?” “Gary, stop. Am I a trailblazer? Stop, Gary.” At the top of the message, it said that he and I did not follow each other, which was not a surprise. But it did say that we followed one person in common. I’m like, “Who in the world could Gary and I possibly agree on? We seem like very different people.” And it said, “You both follow Oprah.” [laughter] What? I have to say, I did not take Gary as an Oprah kind of guy. But that is how famous Oprah is. She builds bridges. [laughter] So I read the message again. “How long have you and your wife been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians who should be put in Alcatraz?” And I was like, “Why have I not moved on from this message?” [laughter] And I’m looking at it. “What is it?” Then it hit me. I was like, “Oh my God. Gary just recognized my marriage.” He said, “Your wife,” and that is called progress. [cheering and applause] Granted, he spelled “wife” with a Y, but I know what he meant. [laughter] And listen, there are a lot of people who fought many, many years for someone like me to be able to say “wife.” Gary said it in 2.2 seconds without even thinking. His head would explode if he knew how progressive that message was. So that is, in fact, progress, my friends. [cheering and applause] So we got married, we stayed at home for the next year like everybody else. I couldn’t go on the road and do my job, which was really weird. And now that I’m back on the road, I do not take it for granted anymore. It is such a beautiful thing to come out and make people laugh, and to add some sort of levity to the world. I love Chicago, I love coming here. It’s one of my favorite cities. [cheering and applause] There was only one city on this tour I was nervous to go back to, and that was Des Moines. [laughter] Last time I was there, it was in the middle of winter, and I forgot that in the Midwest, when it is wintertime, and people are freezing, they get hammered. Hammered. It is too cold to go outside, there is nothing else to do. So I get to the venue, and girls are coming out of the bathroom like this. There is toilet paper on the bottom of their shoes. It is 7 p.m. That is where we are starting this night. So I get out on stage, and they are just wanting to party. They’re sending shot after shot, and I like drinks, but my vice is milkshakes, so I’m good. And they keep wanting me to drink Fireball Whisky. They love Fireball Whisky. I think it tastes like a bottle of gasoline with a stick of Big Red chewing gum plopped in the middle. [pretends to retch] I’m like, “I’m good.” They’re like, “What?” “She doesn’t like Fireball!” “She doesn’t like Fireball. Shit!” They cannot fathom this information. So now as an audience, they only care about trying to figure out what drink to send me next. “All right, okay, she doesn’t like Fireball.” “All right. Oh, vodka!” “Yeah, send it, send it!” All these vodka and cranberries start coming to the stage. “I’m not really a vodka person.” They’re like, “What?!” “Uh, she doesn’t like vodka. Shit, she doesn’t like vodka.” “All right. Oh, beer! Yeah, send it.” All these beers start coming to the stage. I’m like, “I never acquired a taste for it.” They’re like, “Well, that’s surprising.” [laughter] I know I look like somebody that would pound a beer, take the can and crush it on my forehead, and still recycle. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I’m now taking these drinks they’ve passed up. I’m passing it back out to them. I am only making them drunker. They go, “Please, for the love of God, tell us what you drink. You cannot leave Iowa without having a drink with us.” I’m like, “That’s a weird rule, but all right.” [laughter] I’m trying to think of a drink that’s gonna take a while to make ’cause then I can do my job, tell some jokes. I go, “A sangria.” [laughter] I forgot where I was. [laughter] I was like, “All right, an old-fashioned.” I assume they got to find a mixologist with a little mustache. He’s gotta freeze a large ice cube, bitters, slice an orange… It’ll take a while. Two minutes later, these gorgeous old-fashioneds show up. “All right, fine. Is this gonna make you happy?” I grab this drink that’s meant to be sipped, and I just… Down the gullet. [sighs] They are so pumped. You would think I had just competed in a decathlon. [laughter] So they’re having a good time. We get back into the show, we’re laughing, the show’s great. Later, they start getting restless again. I’m like, “What now?” I look back, and there’s this older woman trying to make her way through the crowd. She’s got short, spiky, gray hair, she’s got this worn face like she has seen some shit. [laughter] She’s got a leather vest on. I assume she’s got a dreamcatcher in her car. [laughter] She’s walking very confidently towards the stage, and she lands right there at the end of the stage, and I look and I see that she is holding a Smirnoff Ice. [audience member] Oh! And she looks at me and she goes, “Hey. My name’s Linda…” [laughter] “…and you are about to get iced.” [laughter] I grabbed the Smirnoff Ice and I said, “What time capsule did you dig this out of?” [laughter] Thinking the whole crowd would agree. They start chanting, “Iced, iced, iced, iced, iced!” They are relentless. I’m like, “What is iced?” I have no idea what they are talking about. This very sweet Midwestern woman stands up. She goes, “Getting iced is when you get down on your knees, you take that bottle of Smirnoff Ice, you drink that whole bottle all in one gulp, and that is getting iced.” [laughter and applause] I’m not getting on my knees and drinking a Smirnoff Ice. The whole room yells, “Those are the rules!” I’m like, “I am a grown woman, professional comedian.” Linda yells, “Get on your knees!” [laughter] “You are getting iced!” [laughter] [laughter continues] [cheering] So I got on my knee. This would have come in handy during my proposal. [laughter] And I start chugging this God-awful Smirnoff Ice. Like… [groans] This malt liquor bullshit’s falling down my face. It’s all sticky and gross, it’s ruining my perfectly good cardigan. They’re just going nuts. The audience is going nuts. I’m like… [groans] I finally finish this drink. Mm. [exhales] And I stand up. And something about that old-fashioned… [laughter] …and that Smirnoff Ice… and that low gravity… [laughter] …did not mix. I am immediately seeing double. I don’t finish my set. I don’t say goodnight. I just look at the crowd and I said, “You did this.” [laughter] And I left. [applause] Passed out backstage. I come to, like, two hours later in the promoter’s car. I’m waking up, I’m like, “How did I get here?” She said, “Well, three very large security guards had to carry you outside.” [laughter] I’m like, “I did not ask that.” [laughter] “And it could have been done with two.” [laughter] I said, “No, what happened?” She said, “Well, you got iced. I don’t know if it was that, if it was the mix of the two alcohols.” I said, “Get me out of Des Moines!” [laughter] She goes to start the car, and it will not start. I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I am not getting stuck in Des Moines!” It’s freezing cold, it’s late at night, there’s no Ubers, my plane’s leaving soon, people are icing me. [laughter] I’m just ready to leave, and I hear the doors burst open to the club. I look over. Here comes Linda. [laughter] She saddles up to the car. “What’s up, ladies?” [laughter] I’m like, “Hey, Linda.” [laughter] I’m trying not to make eye contact with her, ’cause I don’t know what kind of powers that dreamcatcher has. [laughter] I said, “Hey, Linda, uh, our car won’t start, but we’re good. We got it. Thank you for coming. Good night.” She took a look at me, she goes… [clicks tongue] Gives me a wink. Walks to the back of the car, opens up that gas tank. [pretends to spit] Spit in the gas tank, and I got the heck out of Des Moines. [cheering and applause] Oh, Linda. [Fortune chuckles] So I have now been married for two years. [cheering and applause] And it’s great. I love it. And, uh, we get that next question that you always get when you’re newly married. Everybody wants to know if we’re having kids. And I’ll tell you parents, you are not making it look fun. [laughter] You guys all have a glaze in your eyes. So we’re dog moms right now. That’s what we’re doing. And, uh, we’ll see what happens. But we have this little Pomeranian named Biggie. [cheering] So cute. He’s a little guy, eight pounds, and a very happy, healthy guy, but he came down with something called HGE. Now it’s this thing that dogs can get where they go from being totally healthy and fine to being super, super sick, and it can be deadly. It comes on fast, like 48 hours, and vets don’t know how dogs get this. They say it could be from something they ate, it could be from stress. I was like, “The Humane Society found Biggie eating out of a dumpster, and now he is walking around Beverly Hills in my wife’s Gucci purse.” [laughter] “He ain’t got no stress.” [laughter] His food is more expensive than mine. He ain’t got no stress. So we have no idea where this came from or how he got it, but the signs of it start to show up at the beginning of our flight from LA to New York City, five and a half hours, and every hour, he got significantly worse. We couldn’t do anything. We landed, it took us an hour to drive into New York City. We went straight to an animal hospital. Jax took him in the examination room, and I was filling out tons of paperwork. It’s so different than when I grew up with pets. I mean, back in the day, your dog slept inside, outside, your neighbor’s house. It’d roll up after two days, you’d be like, “Sparky, where’ve you been?” [laughter] Your dog ate whatever leftovers your grandma threw over the fence from the Sizzler. And if suddenly your dog required a large medical procedure, your parents were straight up just like, “It’s been fun, Sparky.” [laughter] And that was it. But now I am the adult. I have to be the one that makes these decisions. So I filled out everything, and I hadn’t seen Biggie in 45 minutes, so I don’t know how he’s doing at this point, but I do know this. It is time for me to step it up and be that protector of my family. It is time for me to be butch. [laughter] I have my Rocky moment, I’m, like, hitting myself in the face. I would do a push-up, but I can’t. [laughter] I’m all bowed up, ready to walk in that room, all tough. I walk in that door, and Biggie’s laid on the floor. There’s blood everywhere, he is way worse, and I lose it. I just start going… [screams] “No!” And Jax goes, “Get out of here! You’re bumming us out.” [laughter] I got kicked out of the room! [laughter] I was forced to stand behind the glass door. [laughter] I’m just staring at my family. And I’d finally calmed down ’cause the nurse gave me a lollipop. [laughter] And I was so frustrated, I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t just pull it together for three freaking minutes, but it’s not who I am. I’m a Cancer, I’m sensitive, and I cannot change that about myself. So I go wait in the lobby till four in the morning. Jax joins me, they go take Biggie back and hook him up to all these machines. Finally, the vet comes out and he talks to us. He says, “Listen, it is bad. He is at, like, 5%. And we will do whatever we can to try and save him, but for us to do that, he will have to be here for three to four days, round-the-clock care. He’s gonna have to have transfusions, plasma. We can’t even guarantee that it will work. But for us to try, it is going to cost a minimum of $10,000. What do you two want to do?” [laughter] [laughter continues] Jax is like, “$10,000? I’m a teacher. That’s like a whole year’s salary.” [laughter] I’m like, “$10,000? He’s eight pounds. How much plasma could he possibly need? He can’t just share a crate with a squirrel?” [laughter] The vet’s like, “I need an answer.” I’m like… [groans] Jax isn’t saying anything, so it’s clear I’ve got to make this decision. I’m like… [groans] I’m like, “What would my parents do? No, no, don’t think that.” [laughter] Jax is starting to get more upset. I’m like… [groans] [exhales] [sighs] So I pulled out my man wallet… [laughter] …and I grabbed my credit card and slammed it on the table. I said, “Charge it.” And then I looked Jax dead in the eye, and I said, “You think Darlene could have done that?” [cheering and applause] “No!” [cheering] “Pam is broke. Sheila has shitty-ass credit.” [laughter] Who’s butch? I’m butch! [cheering and applause] And the best part is, you guys, they did, in fact, save Biggie’s life. [cheering] Who’s that? [loud cheering] This is Biggie, everybody! [cheering] Worth every single penny right here, you guys. [cheering] And give it up, everybody, for my wife, Jax! [cheering and applause] That’s it from me, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheering and applause] Aw, thank you, guys. Thank you, Chicago! [cheering continues] [upbeat music plays] Look at that. Goodnight, you guys. Thank you. [cheering continues] [upbeat music continues] ♪ You know we like to keep it lowkey ♪ ♪ Windows down, feel the breeze ♪ ♪ No cares, no worries ♪ ♪ Just you and me ♪ ♪ You and I, we don’t have to try ♪ ♪ We just work, can’t deny ♪ ♪ I know you’ll stay by my side Ride or die ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good ♪ ♪ it’s feeling good, good, good ♪ ♪ Good, good, good, good ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good, good, good ♪ ♪ Good, good, good, good ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good ♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Gabriel Iglesias: Stadium Fluffy (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-stadium-fluffy-transcript/

[man] Can you please state your name? Martin Moreno. But you might know me as… Martinnnnn! I’ve been touring with Gabriel Iglesias for 20-plus years. Martinnnnn! And, yeah, he’s been screaming my name for 20-plus years. Hurry up, Martinnnnn! Dude, that’s better than most marriages. That’s a win. It has been an incredible journey. We’ve gone from garages, clubs, living rooms, to theaters, arenas around the world, and now a stadium. They say comedy is subjective, but when you’re selling out stadiums, that’s no longer subjective. So, what can people expect? One of the biggest shows Los Angeles has ever seen. And whatever you do, make sure you stick around till the end. You want to see how this thing ends. So, what else is left to say? Without further ado, live from Dodger Stadium, Gabriel Iglesias! [theme playing from 2001: A Space Odyssey] [ignition cranking] [engine not starting] [ignition cranking] [engine starts] ♪ California love ♪ ♪ California ♪ ♪ Knows how to party ♪ ♪ California ♪ ♪ Knows how to party ♪ ♪ In the city of L.A. ♪ ♪ In the city of good ol’ Watts ♪ ♪ In the city, the city of Compton ♪ ♪ We keep it rockin’ ♪ ♪ We keep it rockin’ ♪ ♪ Now let me welcome everybody To the wild, wild West ♪ ♪ A state that’s untouchable like Eliot Ness ♪ ♪ The track hits ya eardrum Like a slug to ya chest ♪ ♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy In the city of sex ♪ ♪ We in that sunshine state With a bomb ass hemp beat ♪ ♪ The state where ya never Find a dance floor empty ♪ ♪ And pimps be on a mission For them greens ♪ ♪ Lean, mean money-makin’ machines servin’ fiends ♪ ♪ I been in the game… ♪ Los Angeles! [crowd chanting “Fluffy!”] We did it. I didn’t do it, we did it. Thank you so much. Thank you so very… [in Spanish] “They want to cry.” “Yes, they want to cry.” I haven’t been out here 30 seconds and already… Thank you so much. Thank you. I know some of you just found out Martin is real. ‘Cause you finally get to see him, right? And if you’re Mexican, yes, he looks like Machete. Or Marco Antonio Solís. If you’re white, he looks like the Big Lebowski. Wow! This is awesome. Martin wasn’t lying, you guys. We started off in freaking garages and backyard barbecues and quinceañeras and weddings and… now it’s like, you know, this is… this is home for us. The biggest thing I’ve ever done will be tonight without a shadow of a doubt. And I’m glad that you can all be here for this. This is, uh… ‘Cause, yeah, after Covid, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. You know what I’m saying? Like, the only good thing I can say about 2020 for me was the fact that, for some reason, I managed to lose 70 pounds. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I lost 70 pounds. People ask me, “What’s your secret?” I said, “It’s no secret, they closed all the goddamn restaurants, that’s the secret.” I didn’t know how to cook. That was the secret. It was me at home with a Foreman Grill making wienies… But, yeah, we were on tour in Kalamazoo, Michigan, when we got the news that we had to go home. And then we came home, and we all turned on our TVs. And we watched them lie to us. I’m not trying to be a conspiracy person, but they told us, remember? “It’s only going to be two weeks.” That’s it, they told us, two weeks. Right? “Ladies and gentlemen, we’d just like to ask that you go home for two weeks, be with your loved ones, be with your family, just two weeks, while we figure things out.” “Dr. Anthony Fauci has given us some new information to go by.” “Just two weeks, that’s all we need, just two weeks.” And I apologize for using the same stereotypical old white voice. But that’s the one that they used. Because that’s the one we listen to in a time of crisis. It couldn’t be any other voice. It couldn’t be… [in Spanish and English] “No, man, shut up, look!” “No more than two weeks, okay?” “You gonna go home, go to your mama and your papa.” “And if Covid come to the house, you tell Covid, ‘Hey, he’s not here, buddy.'” “Come back another time, it’s okay.” “Just two weeks.” It couldn’t be any other voice. It couldn’t be… [as redneck] “I’ll tell you what, this is what you’re gonna do, God damn it.” “You’re gonna take your ass home, you’re gonna hunker down.” “You’re gonna hunker down and if Covid shows up at your front door, get her done right there to the face, okay, that’s what you’re gonna do.” “Just two weeks.” It couldn’t be any other voice. It couldn’t be… [as Black man] “All right, listen up, this is what’s gonna happen.” “You’re gonna go home, you’re gonna be with your family and them, right?” “And if…” oh, you don’t wanna laugh at the Black voice, huh? Whatever. That’s your guilt, not my guilt, I’m fine. I’m fine. But, yeah, just two weeks, that’s what they told us. Two weeks, and two weeks turned into two months, turned into half a year, turned into a year-plus. And little by little, they told us who was most at risk for Covid-19. Come to find out, it’s people over 45, okay? People who are overweight. Here we go. Diabetics. [in Spanish] No fucking way, really? Most at risk, Latinos and African Americans. Yeah. Bye, Felicia. I come to find out I was 85% of the underlying conditions. Over 45, overweight, diabetic, high cholesterol, high blood pressure. Apparently Covid is my Tinder match. Someone finally wants to swipe right, and her name is Corona. Yeah. The mask thing is still a thing. Some are for it, some are not. Some, you know, some places it’s required, some places it’s optional. Biggest complaint I have heard about the mask is that the mask smells funny. And I’m here to tell you, no, it doesn’t. You do. You are smelling what everyone has been telling you all these years, and finally you’re smoking what we’ve been smoking. Oh, yeah. I’ll be honest with you, my mask smells delicious. My mask smells like Oreos and tres leches cake, okay? If you smell my mask right now, you will Krispy Kreme yourself, it’s so good. I feel like selling it on the OnlyFans website to see if I can make some money. Some of you know what’s up? [in Spanish] You skank. This next thing I’m going to say is in no way, shape or form political. So, please, don’t take it that way. The vaccine. Look at some of you, “Oh, here we go.” “Here we go, I knew it was coming.” “I knew it.” “Look at him, he’s got ‘booster’ written all over him.” I’m not here to tell you what to do with your bodies, I’m just here to share a story. I got vaccinated, okay, and I’m not saying it to get approval. I’m just telling you because, hey, look, I was 85% of the underlying conditions. At this point, I’m rolling the dice. Plus, I wanted to work. I got the vaccine, but it was one of those things where, you know, in the beginning, when you wanted to get the vaccine, you couldn’t just walk into a CVS. You had to make an appointment. You know, and it was a drive-out, you couldn’t just show up. ‘Cause I tried. Oh, I tried using the face. I’m like, “Eh, hey, eh!” Apparently this only works at Red Lobster. Oh, yeah, I could show up at Red Lobster at eight o’clock on a Saturday, it’s on. “Do you have reservations?” “It’s Fluffy, make biscuits!” But for the vaccine, no, I made my appointment like everyone else. It was a drive-out location, you know. [imitates car revving, tires screeching] There’s a little speaker box. “May I help you?” This is very familiar. “Yeah, let me have… a large vaccine.” “Pfizer/Moderna?” “Uh, I got a coupon.” “Whatever’s free.” “Pull up to the window.” Then I pull up to the next window. And then a guy who’s all covered up, he’s got the whole, you know… [breathing loudly] Then you give him your arm, and then they harpoon you. And they make you park your car for 10 to 15 minutes in case you have an allergic reaction. So I’m sitting in the car and I got the radio going and the A/C going, and I glance over and I notice there’s people there protesting. And that’s fine. Protesting is a right, and I’m all for it, okay? My problem is when protesters leave the sidewalk and get right in your face. So here’s what happened. I glance over, I see the protestors, and I locked eyes with one of them. And I could do this all day, I’m in the car. I’m like, “What?” The lady who I’m looking at all of a sudden starts walking towards me. And I’m like, “Ah, shit.” She gets to my car and she starts going off on me. And I have never had a complete stranger go off on me for no reason at all. She gets to the car and she’s like, “You are so stupid! You are so stupid!” “How could you get the vaccine? How could you get the vaccine?” “You have no idea what you just put inside your body, dumb ass.” I didn’t know what to say. I was like, “Bitch, I eat chorizo.” You have no idea what that vaccine has to work through in order to have any type of effect whatsoever. It’s got to go through years’ worth of chorizo, chicharrón, carnitas, carne asada, freakin’ hot dogs, bologna, Spam, menudo, caldo de res. It’s gotta go through the gauntlet. But, yeah, so, on top of that, you know, we’re trying to figure out this whole thing with Netflix and doing a new special. And during the pandemic, 2020 especially, there was not even a possibility of assembling a few people, much less a stadium. So, Netflix made it clear. “We need a new special sooner than later, okay?” This was right before… They didn’t have Squid Games yet. You remember… [chanting Squid Games melody] [in falsetto] “Red light!” Some of you are like, “That’s racist.” No, that’s accurate, that’s really good. So anyway, Netflix said, “As soon as there’s an opportunity to record a new special, we need a special.” So, with time going by, there became two options for recording a special in late 2020. One was Florida and the other was Texas. [scattered booing] Some people from Texas cheering, yeah? Okay, you can cheer all you want. That’s where I got Covid. Yeah. [in Spanish] Fucking slacker. So… So, here’s the story. So, I had done shows before in Texas, and I had never done a show in San Antonio, so the original plan was, we wanted to record a special in San Antonio for the new Netflix show, you know, for the series. So, we couldn’t really travel too much. And remember they kept telling us, “Stay in your Covid bubble.” “Don’t forget to stay in your bubble,” so, in order to be as proactive and just careful, we all went out there together as a team, okay, and then we all basically said, “We’re going to do a residency in San Antonio for 30 days.” “Thirty shows in 30 days, and on the last day, we’ll record a new special.” This way gives me a chance to start performing again because it had been over a year since I touched a stage. And so we get there and they gave me the option, “Do you want to stay in a house or do you want to stay in a hotel?” And I said, “Well, I’ve never lived in Texas before, so let’s see what a house feels like.” So they got us, like, this fancy Airbnb, and basically, you know, it was Martin, Alfred, my friend Rick, myself, it was four of us. It was like the Mexican version of The Real World, okay? So, we’re all in this big house together. Everyone gets their own room, and so, of course, I get the big room ’cause it’s me. And… you know. Look at some of you, “No!” Yes! So I open up the door, I turn on the light… click! And I’m like, “This is a beautiful room.” “Wow! Look how big it is.” And then I notice there’s a hole in the wall. I said, “That’s weird.” So I get really close to the wall, and when I got close, I realized it’s not a hole, it’s a big-ass roach. And let me tell you, I am not exaggerating when I tell you that cuca was this big. That roach was this big. Now, I have used this unit of measure before to exaggerate, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that freakin’ cucaracha was this big. And I don’t want you guys thinking, “You think you’re too good for roaches?” No! I grew up with roaches my whole life. My mom and I, we lived in apartment buildings, projects. We always had roaches, but they were different. First of all, they were this big. And California roaches are very different, okay? For example, when you turn on the light, they scatter. In Texas, he chilled. In California, they respond to sound and movement. “Haaaa!” “Scatter!” I tried my California technique on this Tejano roach. I said, “Haaaa!” And the roach was like, “What?” Oh, my God, I don’t think he’s in my room, I think I’m in his. And at that moment, my tour manager walks in the room, and she’s like, “Is everything okay with the accommodations?” I said, “No, the room is beautiful, but, um, look at the wall.” “Aw, there’s a hole in the wall!” I said, “Get closer.” She gets up to the wall and she’s like, “Oh, it’s a big-ass roach.” I said, “You’re okay with that?” She said, “He’s not in my room.” She can see that I’m visibly bothered by this roach, so she’s like, “Would you like me to take care of your little friend for you?” And it is a little emasculating, because I’m a big guy and she’s like 5′ 2″. So she’s like, “Move, fool.” She takes off her shoe, she grabs it, she gets up on a chair, and she brings it back and she’s like, ♪ Soy la 69 ♪ Bam! Nailed that roach. Threw down her shoe, put it on. I look at the wall, and it kept moving. And I said, “You have angered our friend.” And she was defensive. “Uh-uh, fool, round two!” So she grabs her shoe, gets back up on the stool, and she brings it back, and just as she’s about to nail this roach for the second time… that shit started flying. It was a Harry Potter roach! Oh, man, look, look, look! She’s ñañaras, man. So anyway, we were there for 27 days. And for some reason, on the 27th day, out of a team of 30 people that were there to film a special, I was the only one that tested positive for Covid-19. No one else got it. Not Martin, not Alfred, nobody. And I told Martin, “Dude, I don’t know where I got it.” And he said, “I think you got it from the roach.” Anyway, on top of dealing with Covid… and, by the way, a sincere apology to the city of San Antonio because I was supposed to tape a special with you guys, and clearly for obvious reasons we couldn’t do it. But I hope you understand why I had to do this tonight. [cheering] On top of dealing with Covid, the vaccine situation, I come to find out someone was trying to extort money from me. Yeah, and they weren’t even family. [in Spanish] So, suck it. Watch. I get a phone call from my manager telling me that someone reached out claiming to have video footage of me being “inappropriate” with models. Yeah, see? Look at ’em. You guys are like me. Yeah, I’m like, “I need to see it too.” Now, no disrespect to any woman who has ever given me the opportunity. But none of them were models. Maybe a couple of cochinas from West Covina, maybe. But they were not models. They were just good citizens. Thank you. So, anyway, they said I had until 9 a.m. to make a deposit of $50,000 into an account or they were going to release the footage to TMZ and my career was going to be over. When I got the message, it was already 6 p.m. So I had missed the deadline by half a day. So I was like, “Let me turn on the TV, see if I still got a job.” And clearly this is the first time you guys are hearing about this because there was no footage. They were just trying to scare me into giving them money. The only reason why I’m telling you the story is because… only 50,000? Like, seriously? That’s what my career is worth? Don’t get me wrong, when I said $50,000, some of you were like, “Oh!” And it is a lot of money, but if you’re going to go after a celebrity, $50,000 is really low. Like, to put it into perspective, they did the same thing to Kevin Hart. And with Kevin Hart, they hit him for ten million. Ten million. Which lets me know where I stand on the comedy totem pole of success. There’s Kevin Hart with ten million, and I am like the Groupon of extortion. “Where’d you get your extortion?” “Got that shit at Ross on clearance.” Fifty thousand dollars. You can’t even buy an Escalade with $50,000. That is like a Hyundai Sonata at best, okay? And that’s like a base model. You still gotta do this shit to the window, you know? Fifty thousand dollars? But… on a more happier note, I did manage to stay busy during the pandemic. I did a movie from my living room. Yeah. And it wasn’t even on Pornhub. The movie already came out in theaters. It was called Space Jam, it’s the movie with LeBron. Los Angeles, you are looking at the new voice of Speedy Gonzales. [cheering] Thank you. I found it ironic that they hired the slowest Mexican to play the fastest, you know? And two weeks after I get this part, I come to find out that they’re trying to cancel Speedy Gonzales. I’m sure some of you heard that they came after two cartoons. They came after Pepé Le Pew and Speedy. Now, Pepé I understand. He’s a little touchy. You know, but he disguises it with a “Oh-oh, mon chéri.” “Oh-oh-oh!” “Mon chéri. Oh-lah-oh-ohhh!” Yeah. But Speedy Gonzales, what’s his crime? He’s Mexican and he’s fast. That is not a crime. In Montebello, that’s called job security. So I said, “I cannot let them hurt Speedy,” you know. “I can’t let them cancel him.” So I came to his defense. Plus, it was my only job. I went to the only place I felt I could go to protect him. I went on Twitter. And Twitter, ooh, Twitter’s a scary place. It is. You only go there to fight, to get into it, to prove a point, and so a friend of mine said, “If you want to get some attention, use a hashtag,” and so I did. And I wrote a tweet that said, “Hey #cancelculture.” “My name is Gabriel Iglesias, and I’m the new voice of Speedy Gonzales.” “You cannot cancel or catch me.” And I posted it. I had no idea that when you go on Twitter looking for problems, you will find them. Oh, yeah. Every major news outlet picked up my tweet and used it in a story about cancel culture. ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN. If I would have known that, I would have used spellcheck. ‘Cause my family called. [in Spanish] “What, are you stupid? Spell correctly!” Oh, my God. Even Fox News did a story with my tweet. Fox News. You know how I know? My bus driver Dave called me. Oh, he was thrilled. He was like, “Fluffy, God damn it, I’ve never been prouder.” “You made it, baby. You’re on Fox News.” I said, “Dave, shut up, you’re stupid.” He’s like, “America.” Even Warner Bros. Pictures reached out to say thank you, and before I know it, I was on a Zoom call. And I know a lot of us had to get used to Zoom, and it’s kind of convenient, right? All they see is this. So to entertain myself, every time I took a Zoom call, I was full Winnie the Pooh. And if you’re not laughing now, you better ask someone who is, ’cause there is no coming back from full Winnie the Pooh. I was leaving baby powder all over the house. It looked like an episode of Narcos. So I get on the Zoom call with the director, writer and producer of Space Jam. And they’re being super nice, super supportive, super cool. They’re like, “Gabriel, thank you so much for lending your voice talents to our film.” “We really appreciate you being part of this.” “If you have any questions or concerns, let us know.” So, “Thank you.” “We have a question for you.” I said, “Okay.” “How do you feel about the voice of Speedy Gonzales?” I said, “Well, what do you mean?” “Well, you know, some people find him to be a little stereotypical.” “What are your thoughts?” I said, “Well, you have not met my family.” I cannot speak for all brown people, but I can tell you that me personally in my house growing up, Speedy Gonzales was not viewed in a negative way. As a matter of fact, he was the only form of representation we had growing up. It was him and the little bumblebee on The Simpsons. “Gabriel, we were thinking that perhaps you would like to lend your real speaking voice to the character?” “Maybe modernize him a little, you know, bring him up to speed.” I said, “Well, you know, with all due respect, I appreciate the fact that you would give me the power to change the sound of such an iconic character, but at the end of the day, when people see the movie, I don’t want them to think of me, I want them to think of Speedy Gonzales.” So I said, “Please keep his voice original.” And then he asked the question, “Well, do you think you can do the voice?” How did I get the part? Now, remember, I never auditioned for Speedy Gonzales, they just called me. And I assumed that they knew that I did voices for a living and that I could pull this off. So I says, “What made you choose me if you didn’t know whether or not I could do the…” “Oh.” “You needed a big brown shield in case shit happened, huh?” And then all three people on the phone call were like… I said, “Well, don’t worry ’cause with me you get a twofer.” “You get an actual Mexican and you get someone that can nail the voice.” So… oh, yeah. That’s right. So, before I know it, this sound person, the guy who does recordings over at Warner Bros., gets on the call. The only thing I know about this guy is that he’s loud, okay? He gets on the call, he’s like, “Gabriel Iglesias, how are you?” Wow! “How’s it going?” “My name’s Steven, the sound coordinator at Warner Bros. Pictures.” “So here’s what’s gonna happen.” “Basically, I’m gonna hit ‘record, ‘ and as soon as I hit ‘record, ‘ I just need for you to start talking like Speedy Gonzales.” “We’re gonna get the flow, the tempo, the timing, and as soon as we got it dialed in, we’re gonna make a movie.” “Sound good?” “Sounds good.” “This is Gabriel Iglesias for Space Jam: A New Legacy, Speedy Gonzales, take one.” “Gabriel, mic check, 1, 2, 3.” “1, 2, 3.” “Sounds good, here we go.” “And… go.” All right, here we go. “Hola, amigos, my name is Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in all Mexico.” “¡Arriba! ¡Epa, epa, ándale!” The director, writer and producer, all three were like… “That was perfect!” I said, “I know, I’ve been Mexican a long time.” And I said, “And don’t just think that just because I’m Mexican, I can only play the Mexican character.” I said, “I do voices for a living.” “If given the opportunity, I could voice the entire film all by myself.” I could. Watch. Marvin the Martian. “Oh, my, oh, my modulator.” Yosemite Sam. “I hate that rabbit!” Bugs Bunny. “Eh, what’s up, Doc?” I said, “You can fire all the other voice actors right now. I will do the whole movie for half plus medical insurance.” And it was the middle of 2020, so I meant that shit. I’m like, “Yeah, no co-pay, no co-pay.” My favorite part about this was the fact that they actually entertained the conversation. Like, he could have just looked at me and said, “You’re stupid.” And I would have accepted that. I would have been like, “Okay,” you know? But I guess we’re living in different times where people are a lot more sensitive and more mindful, and so he just wanted to make sure I was okay, so he’s like, “Gabriel, I am not taking anything away from your credibility as a voice talent, as an entertainer, as just an individual, but my hands are tied.” “Contracts have been signed, checks have been cut.” “This was a union project,” and I’m like, “Look at him go!” The producer is also on this call, and the producer is the one responsible for the finance, the money. So he hears the director just freakin’ goin’ down, and he’s like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.” “Hear the man out.” “Gabriel.” “Fluffy.” “Baby!” “Talk to me, puddin’.” “If we can make this happen, what are we talkin’?” I said, “What do you mean?” “Well, what are we talkin’? What’s your rate, what’s your fee?” I said, “Well, word on the street is I go for no less than 50,000.” “And I do have emails to support that.” They still said no, but whatever. I know I’m going to have to defend Speedy Gonzales again at some point, because unfortunately that’s how cancel culture works. You know? And don’t get me wrong. I understand that some people need to be held accountable, but… And by the way, if I’m the one telling you about cancel culture, it’s already gone way too far. Because I pride myself in the fact that I’m not a comedian who’s divisive. That’s why I don’t talk about politics, religion or sports, okay? Because all three will divide people. That’s why I talk about food. Because food brings people together. That’s right. Unless you’re vegan. In which case, you can leave right now. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care if I offend you and your salad, you can leave. Bye. And the only reason why I’m so “ugh” on the vegans is because I once was vegan. I know, some of you are like, “No!” Yeah. I was vegan for a little under a year. Some of you are probably thinking, “You weren’t vegan, then, if it was less than a year.” But think about it. Anyone who has ever gone on a diet knows just how hard it is to change your eating habits for one week, much less a year. And they told me, they said, “You’re going to lose weight.” And they were not lying. I lost weight, patience and friends. So I’m just here to let you know, I’m back. [bellows like cow] So… I almost got canceled. I almost got canceled because I posted a tweet of one of my dogs. Now, some of you already know I have two Chihuahuas. Yeah. People watching at home are like, “That’s not stereotypical.” Yeah, I know. I have two Chihuahuas. I have a little boy dog named Vinnie and a little girl dog named Risa. Combined weight, 14 pounds. My little girl dog Risa, she is 4 pounds, and she’s 17 years old. Yeah. Her anger keeps her alive. I will confirm every stereotype about Chihuahuas. Oh, yeah, it’s real. The rage is real. But with me, she loves me, okay? She’s 17, she has no teeth. Her tongue hangs out. She’s adorable. So I posted a picture of her on Twitter with the caption that basically read, “Going to take my little nugget to go get some chicken nuggets.” And then I tagged “@Chick-fil-A.” Okay, so, yeah, you feel that? See how the majority of the room was like, “That place is good”? “Sucks they’re closed on Sunday.” And then there was a few of you in here and you heard the groan… Yeah. Half of those people, vegans. The other half are the ones that blew up my Twitter feed. My Twitter feed started getting flooded with nasty comments. “You’re stupid, you’re horrible. How could you? We thought more of you.” “Really, Fluffy, you?” And I don’t know what they’re talking about. The problem with cancel culture is they only attack, they don’t educate. They don’t explain. They just attack, and they expect you to know better or understand them, but they’re not willing to play nice. So here’s what happens. I’m asking questions, no one wants to answer. “Fluffy, you’re horrible.” I’m like, “What do you mean?” “Really? Chick-fil-A?” I’m sorry, Popeyes was closed, I don’t know what to tell you. “You know what you’re doing.” I am more hungry than woke. I don’t know what you mean. And then finally someone took the time to explain to me why I was “wrong” for that tweet. Come to find out that Chick-fil-A in the past has been known to make contributions to organizations that are a little out of line with the LGBTQ+ community. Now, forgive me for using my hand to get the letters right. I just wanna get the letters right. I do consider myself a supporter and an ally, and I’m trying my best to be as understanding as I can be… …with the limited information I have available. Now, I’m gonna say it again. I’m trying to be as understanding as I can be with the limited information I have available, which basically means I only read headlines. Here’s the thing, you guys. There are a million struggles in this world. Every single day there are people trying to better their lives, trying to get to a goal, trying to achieve something to get them out of one place and into something better. And it’s impossible to keep up with everyone’s fight unless you mess up, and then someone pulls you aside and reads you the riot act. So, here’s how the conversation went. ‘Cause I finally got one. They said, “Well, Gabriel, if you consider yourself a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, moving forward will you still be tagging Chick-fil-A in future posts?” I said, um, “Yes, I will, but it’s not because I’m not a supporter.” “I’m definitely a supporter of your cause, but causes are a two-way street.” “You gotta support mine too.” I said, “I tagged Chick-fil-A for the same reason I tag every other company I use organically.” “I’m trying to get free shit.” Plain and simple, don’t look past it. And I know some of you are like, “Well, Gabriel, don’t you make money?” Yes, I do, and you know how you keep it? Free shit. Yeah, let me tell you how I discovered this one. So, I was at a Chipotle one night, and the staff was incredible. So I wanted to give them a little shout-out online. So I gave them a shout-out and then I tagged “Chipotle.” Chipotle saw my tweet and then they reached out to me to say thank you, and to show their appreciation, Chipotle mailed me a burrito card, good for one year’s worth of unlimited Chipotle. And I tested it. Oh, they gave it to the wrong person. After about two weeks, it looked like a Metro card. It was all scratched up. So now, let me tell you guys, if you were me and you sent out one tweet that got you fed for a whole year for free, wouldn’t you be tagging as many companies as you could to see who else would want to donate to the cause? The only thing I’m guilty of is ho’ing myself out, that’s it. I was being a little cyber skank, that’s all I was doing. But again I understand that some people need to be held accountable for certain actions. I just feel like a lot of times a simple conversation can fix things. I know that based on today’s rules, I can be canceled right now for previous comedy specials that I’ve done over the years. And I understand that, so I’m just waiting for the call. I know I can be canceled for previous comedy specials. And I know they probably expect me to apologize, but I would never apologize for my previous work because, you know what, it was perfectly acceptable at the time. Clearly there are things I would change now, but there’s no way to go back and apologize for that when everything was okay. I want to let you all know right now that there are things about me that you don’t know that you’re gonna find out sooner than later. So basically what I’m trying to do at this moment is do what my lawyer said and “get ahead of it.” I offended someone whose name I should have never brought up. I offended a professional fighter. His name is Canelo. I know. Go big or go home. If you are not familiar with who Canelo is, give me a few seconds to explain. Canelo is arguably one of the best fighters in the world. Okay? You cannot miss him. He is, in fact, Mexican, but he does not look traditional. Canelo is, in fact, the whitest Mexican on Earth. He’s super white. He’s so white, he’s redhead. Canelo is a redheaded white Mexican fighter. He is so white, even Donald Trump was like, “You can come.” Super white. But then he opens his mouth and you realize, “Oh, Canelo, he’s not local.” So here’s how I got in trouble. A comedy friend of mine by the name of Ron White reached out to me. And Ron White invited me to be part of his tribute to the troops comedy show for the national network. And I told Ron, “I’d love to do the show. Anything for the troops. Let’s do this.” So the show taped in Vegas, and it’s a couple of comics plus myself, and Ron White’s the host. He brings me up onstage, and I figure I’m only doing ten minutes, okay? I might as well just do references to Las Vegas since everybody knows Vegas, so I started talking about boxing. And then I brought up Canelo. And here’s where I got in trouble. I said, “Canelo is my favorite fighter of all time.” “I just wish…” And it was all downhill after that. I said, “I just wish he would not do interviews in English, because English is not his strong language, and if you’re a professional fight…” Hear me out. If you’re a professional fighter, you need to sound confident, engaged, threatening, aggressive, on point, in your face. And in Spanish, he does. In English, not so much. In Spanish, he’s a killer. In Spanish, the reporter, the announcer comes out… [in Spanish] “We’re here with Canelo Álvarez, who’ll be fighting Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather this coming weekend on pay-per-view at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada.” I know some of you heard that right now and you’re like, “Oh, my God, I think I understand Spanish.” ‘Cause you do. So then the reporter will look at Canelo and ask him about the fight. [in Spanish] “Canelo, what will be your fighting approach?” Canelo takes the microphone. He’s a man of few words, but he’s on point. He looks at the camera and he’s like, [in Spanish] “Look, I’m gonna punch him like this and like this.” “I’ll knock him to the ground and, boom!” “So don’t miss the fight this weekend at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada, Canelo Álvarez vs. Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather.” “Don’t miss out!” Same exact interview. English. “I’m standing here alongside Mexican superstar Saúl Canelo Álvarez, who’s going to be facing Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather this weekend on pay-per-view.” “Canelo, what is your strategy and your plan of attack going into this weekend’s fight against such a technical opponent, if you will, a man who has single-handedly redefined the sport of boxing?” “What is your plan of attack going into the fight?” “Uh…” “Well… I… am going to hit him like this.” “I’m going to hit him like this.” “He going to… fall on the…” “How do you say piso?” “Floor? He going to fall to the floor and then… así.” “All right, well, there you have it.” “Floyd Mayweather, I hope you are ready, my friend, because, yeah, that’s what’s waiting for you.” “Reporting live for ESPN News, I’m Phil Stevens.” “Back to you in the studio, and we’re out.” “What the hell was that, God damn it?!” “Why didn’t you warn me?” So word gets back to Team Canelo about the joke that I did. I find out because I have friends in the boxing community who reached out to tell me, “Bro, what happened?” I said, “What are you talking about?” “Dude, we heard.” “Heard what?” “We heard that Team Canelo’s pissed.” I said, “So, what does that have to do with me?” “Well, I guess it’s about a joke you did about Canelo?” “Huh?” “Who showed him?” If I would have known one of the best fighters in the world was going to see me do a joke about him, I would have never done a joke about him. I didn’t think he’d ever see Ron White’s tribute to the troops comedy show on the national network. I didn’t think he was ever gonna see it. Shit was in English. Now I’m worried about the confrontation because I know it’s only a matter of time. And I know where he’s going to confront me. It’s gonna happen in Vegas. And the reason why I’m so confident that it’s going to happen there is because when I perform in Vegas, I perform for MGM Grand Properties. And so I get free tickets to the fights. And I always go ’cause it’s free! And they put me ringside so that my face comes out on the jumbotron to help me sell tickets. So I know ’cause I’ve seen Canelo fights before ringside, I’ve never spoken to him, but I know that’s where it’s gonna happen. And I’m nervous about this confrontation, because I didn’t know if he’s going to confront me in English or Spanish. I hope it’s in Spanish ’cause I want to feel the fear, you know what I’m saying? I hope, you know, he’s like, [in Spanish] “I’m going to kill you, fucking fat man!” I’m just worried he might, you know… “Hey!” “Hey, jou.” “Hey, jou, fat bitch mother Fluffy.” “He just called me ‘fat bitch mother Fluffy!'” So, if anything happens to me… Canelo. But I guess I should feel honored at the fact that someone at his level would even acknowledge a comedian. You know, it feels good at least knowing that he knows who I am, which is nice. It at least makes me feel relevant. Because, you know, after 2019, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. Honestly, for me, I thought that 2019 was the best year I ever had in comedy. And the reason why I say this is because I was this close to hosting the Oscars. Yeah. Pretty sure I got a good chance next year. The year that I almost got to host, that was the year that Kevin Hart was supposed to host. I don’t know if you remember the story, but basically, Kevin Hart was supposed to host the Oscars, and any time you host, the background check is next level, okay? They go through all of your social media, all the way back to Myspace. People over 40, you know what’s up. Come to find out that ten years ago, Kevin Hart had sent out a couple of tweets that were questionable, so the academy confronted Kevin Hart about the tweets. And they said, “Kevin, can you please explain?” And Kevin was like, “Yes, I said those things.” “I acknowledged them ten years ago and I apologized ten years ago.” “Can we move forward?” And the academy was like, “Well, good, Kevin, we’re glad that you apologized because they’ve been brought to our attention again and we need for this to go away, so we need you to apologize.” And Kevin said, “You can’t make me apologize twice for the same thing ten years apart.” And they said, “Well, you have to, because if you don’t, you cannot host the Oscars.” And Kevin said, “Well, thank you, but no, thank you.” And he walked away from the job. I would have done the same thing in his position. Because by him apologizing, he gives more power to cancel culture, and we can’t give them more, we gotta take it back. So… now… So, now the academy was left with a problem… trying to find a suitable replacement for Kevin Hart, which is not an easy thing to do. So they reached out to a bunch of actors to see if there was interest, and everyone said the same thing: “Thank you, but no, thank you.” “We want no part of that Kevin Hart drama.” No one wanted the job. Me, on the other hand… Oh, I recognize a job opening when I see one. So I had my manager call the academy, and the academy was thrilled to hear from anyone. They were like, “Gabriel Iglesias, yes, we know who he is.” “He’s very funny, very witty.” “We think he would make a good host for the Oscars.” “Please have him submit some comedy material so we can see what the vibe of the night would be, and based on the material, we’ll make our choice.” So, that’s what I did. I sat down one night, got a pen, piece of paper, wrote out a bunch of jokes, and I turned them into the Oscars. And I think that’s why they said no. It never made it to TV. So tonight… [cheering] Tonight, I would like to do the opening joke that I was going to do for the Oscars. And then you can decide what the vibe of the night would have been. All right. Let me do the voice. [clears throat] “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Academy Awards.” “Here’s tonight’s host, comedian-funnyman Gabriel Iglesias.” “Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.” “Thank you, it is an honor.” “Thank you. Thank you.” “It is an honor to be here tonight hosting the Oscars.” “In keeping with tradition, here is another Mexican doing a job nobody else wanted.” And they passed. They passed. Yeah. You know, and then getting back into the swing of things, we have definitely come a long way from 2020. The fact that we’re in a sold-out stadium, elbow to elbow, ready to laugh. Have fun. We’ve come a long way. You know? 2020, you guys, I gotta just thank my dogs. I gotta thank my dogs ’cause my dogs kept me sane, they kept me happy, they kept me focused. ‘Cause I was so depressed, I was sad, I didn’t know what to make of things. Do we have any dog owners? [cheering] Yeah? See, dog owners, you know what’s up. No other animal in the world will give you 100% like a dog. What? Cat? No. I’m sorry, no disrespect to cats or cat owners, but cat owners, you know as well as I do, your cats… ’cause I know you got more than one… your cats look at you like you live in their house. You walk in, you try to scold them for something… [purrs] Then when you try to talk to them, they turn their back and show you their butthole. You’re staring like, “Oh, my God, it’s so dark!” Only a dog will give you 100% of itself. That’s why they get so sad when they know you’re about to leave and why they get so happy when you come home. You are literally everything they’ve been looking forward to. “And now you’re back!” I know for a fact nothing on this planet loves me more than my dogs. I said this last night, and someone said, “What about your son?” I said, “Nothing loves me more.” I could leave my dressing room for one minute or for one hour. When I come back, the reaction is the same. It is the greatest moment ever, every single time. Oh, yeah, my dog Vinnie will jump off the couch and run towards me top speed, and then when he gets to me, he jumps up and down, and he makes a sound like… [imitates Chihuahua] You can almost hear, “Where were you? Where were you? Where were you?” And he pees everywhere. I used to get upset that he would do that, but then I thought about it. My dog loves me so much, he cannot control his own bodily functions. That’s why, when I would go home, I would immediately pick him up before anything. And then my girlfriend would get mad. “How come you don’t come to me first?” I said, “Because the dog loves me more.” “How do you know I don’t love you more?” I said, “I don’t see a puddle.” Mira. Dry. Yeah, she didn’t like that. Sorry. But, yeah, these dogs, man. Let me tell you. And I apologize if I’m kind of stuttering or I’m not as focused right now. I have never been distracted by a blimp with my face on it. [cheering and applause] I’m sorry, Netflix, but, shit, this… This is like a birthday and Christmas and the Super Bowl and the World Series and losing my virginity all at the same time. [chuckles] [crowd chanting “Fluffy!”] Oh! ♪ Even saw the lights Of the Goodyear Blimp ♪ [laughing] I’m sorry, you guys, I’m just so goddamn happy right now, thank you. [cheering] I wish my mom were here to see this. You have no idea. She would have been happy to see all of you, but she would have been like, [in Spanish] “Fuck off.” “Look, what… my son is in heaven, he’s with Jesus in the sky, you see?” That is amazing. Some of you guys okay? I heard a cough over there. You all right? Don’t cough, they just let us come back. I would rather you fart than cough. If you feel another one of those coming, just hold your face, convert the energy, and blow it out the back, all right? And I know the people behind you are like, “Don’t do that!” You let it rip, and if the people behind you can’t smell it, then they got Covid. Okay, that’s a free home test. Anyway… So during 2020, my dogs and I, the most normal thing we could do was just take a drive, okay? Drives, you could just get in the car. Nothing was open, but you could take a drive, and so we get in the car. [imitates doors closing, engine revving] I put on this playlist and just drive. Eventually, we went out looking for food. And I know that sounds crazy to say it that way, but remember, 85% of the underlying conditions. I never once set foot in a market because I was afraid. All of my food came from friends and street vendors. Yeah. Yes, I support street vendors in case anyone’s wondering. [cheering] ‘Cause no matter what, they’re working their asses off, again, trying to make a better life for themselves and for their families. After leaving a taco stand one night, I realized that a lot of people needed to step out of their comfort zones in order to find alternative ways of making ends meet. I made the mistake one night of assuming the guy working the stand was Mexican. [in falsetto] He wasn’t. I even spoke Spanish to him, which is a no-no. The rule is, when engaging a brown person, you must speak English to them first, and then if there’s a language barrier, then you go to plan B high-school Spanish. You start off in English. “Hello, sir, may I…” [in Spanish] “I don’t understand.” [in English] “Oh, hold on, I got this.” “Hola.” “Yo me…” So I walked up to this guy at the stand and I was like, you know, he reminded me of a tío, so I was like… [speaking Spanish] Which is like, “Hello, friend, how are you?” And he responded, [Greek accent] “What are you saying to me?” “I’m sorry, sir, I thought you were Mexican.” “No, no, I am not Mexican. I am Greek.” Greek? Shit, I was way off. “I’m sorry, brah, it’s late, I’m tired. Can I have two tacos?” “What you mean, ‘Can I have two tacos?'” “I just finish tell you, I am not Mexican, I am Greek.” “I do not sell taco.” “I sell yee-roh.” “Yee-roh?” And then I remember seeing writing on the front of the car, and I just thought it was the guy’s name or something, right? I’m like, it spells it out: G-Y-R-O. “Gyro!” He got all pissy. “It is not a gyro, it’s a yee-roh.” “That shit says ‘gyro.'” “It is yee-roh!” “Bro, I’m tired, it’s late.” “What is a ‘yee-roh'”? “It’s like a taco.” “Gimme two.” Eventually businesses started opening their doors and allowing us to go back inside, and I’ll tell you guys right now, my big, guilty pleasure is Starbucks, okay? That’s my guilty pleasure, I’m all about a Starbucks drive-thru. But the difference is, when you have the option of going inside versus drive-thru, that’s one thing, but when they tell you you can’t go inside anymore and then they tell you you can, you kind of miss it. Like me, I couldn’t wait to go back inside when they said the doors are opening up. I couldn’t wait to go in and order from a counter and talk to a person and look at a menu. I didn’t mind. I showed up early. [imitates engine revving, tires screeching] Got my dogs with me, I didn’t care. We walk into Starbucks. And I know they did this over in Long Beach. I’m not sure if they did this here, but they put stickers on the floor. And so there I am standing on this freakin’ sticker. I got my dogs, just chillin’. Standing there looking like a third grader. We’re just chillin’, waitin’. And some lady behind me notices that I’m holding two dogs. She clearly had an issue with the fact that I was holding two dogs, and instead of saying, “Pardon me, excuse me, hey there, hi, hola,” she does the whole… [clearing throat] I’m hearing this and I’m like, “Shit! Covid!” “I don’t see any stickers!” “I’m off the grid!” And she was like, “I do not have Covid.” “Are those service dogs?” “They’re Chihuahuas.” “And these, in particular, are the complete opposite of service dogs.” “Well, are they supposed to be inside?” I say, “You know, I didn’t ask.” “I didn’t want to leave them in the car.” “I’m not staying, I’m going to order my drinks and leave.” “I’m not even going to put them down. I’m sorry.” And she’s like, “Well, are they at least legal?” You’re gonna ask a Mexican if his dogs are legal? Fortunately… “Next in line.” “Thank God.” So I get to the front, and now I’m worried, because the lady has me thinking in the back of my head that I’m doing something bad, that I’m about to get scolded or kicked out. So I’m trying not to make eye contact with the guy. So I’m just looking at the menu, and I hear him, “Dogs.” “Hi, bro, sorry about that. Sorry, sorry, I know.” “They’re adorable!” “What are their names?” “Oh! Well, this is Vinnie, this is Risa.” “They’re so cute.” “Thank you.” Then here comes another barista, and she’s like, “I see dogs!” “I’m sorry.” “They’re adorable.” “What are their names?” I was like, “Oh, well, this is Vinnie, this is Risa.” “They’re too cute.” “Thank you.” So I placed my order, and then the girl barista, she goes… “Yes?” “You know, I gotta tell you something about your dogs, right?” “I know, I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to leave them in the car.” “What are the little ones gonna have?” “Well… as much as I would love to share my coffee with my dogs, I don’t think caffeine and Chihuahuas mix.” “No, silly.” “Maybe your little puppies would like a Puppucci…” Okay, you see that shit? Now you’re vocal. When I talked about stickers, “We don’t know nothin’ about stickers, pero un pinche Puppuccino, all freakin’ day,” right? Sorry. Anyway… When she said “Puppuccino,” I was like, “What kind of a drink is it?” I’m looking at the menu like, “I don’t see that shit anywhere.” “No, silly, a Puppuccino is just a little cup, and we put whipped cream in the cup.” “This way, you can enjoy your beverage and your little ones can enjoy something with you.” I said, “Oh, my God.” “I love this.” “How much are they?” “Oh, they’re free.” “Tell me more.” “You have two little puppies so you get two free Puppuccinos.” “Oh, my God, can I have a third one?” “Oh, is there another little puppy we’re missing?” This one. I was so excited, I told her, “Do you understand how happy you just made me with this whole Puppuccino thing?” “Oh, yeah.” “They let it be known that if anyone ever shows up with a dog, always offer them a Puppuccino on the house.” “So, it’s cool that I walked in with my dogs?” “Oh, yeah, they’re welcome any time.” I’ll just tell you guys right now, I am very petty. I am so petty, I was like, “Can you say that louder?” “Your puppies are welcome any time!” I’m not gonna lie, I felt a little bit like Canelo. I did, I couldn’t help it. I turned around, I was like, “Eh, you hear that, bitch mother?” [woman’s voice] “I was there the night Fluffy got fired.” Like I said, no matter what you say or do, someone’s gonna find a way to twist things and make it bad. I’ve already gotten an email over the fact that I did that joke about… that nothing on this planet loves me more than my dogs, versus my son. Someone already reached out, like, “How devastating for your son.” I’m like, he knows! I love him very much. My son is going on 25 years now. He’s 24 years old. Frankie is 24 years old. Thank you for clapping, he’s still at the house. I did an interview recently and someone was asking me questions about my son. They said, “You know, Gabriel, you’ve always mentioned your son in your specials.” “Can we look forward to a new story coming out?” And I said, “Not really a new story so much as…” ‘Cause my son is doing his own thing now. He’s doing his own thing, he’s got his own life, and that’s awesome. I do however still have stories from the past that I never told, and he goes, “Well, do tell.” I said, “Okay, my favorite story is actually probably the first one.” “In 2007, when I first got him…” Some of you know he’s technically my stepson, but I’ve never liked saying “stepson.” He is my son, yeah. [cheering] He is my son or my aftermarket child. No gray area. Anyway, it’s 2007, and for some reason, I’m home on Halloween. Now, here’s the thing. As a comedian, I have signed up to perform 365 days a year. There is no sacred day for me. I work on Christmas day. I work on New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, birthdays, holidays, special occasions, no matter what. My mom told me, [in Spanish] “If you have a job, you have to work.” You gotta work, especially if you got a good job. You don’t want no one to take it, so if you’re going to go for it, give it everything. So the fact that I’m not working on Halloween is super rare. And so my son’s mom is like… She’s like, “I think this is so cool that you’re home today.” “You know, since this is Frankie’s first year where it’s just the three of us, how about this?” “How about tonight you take him trick-or-treating and I’ll stay home and give out candy?” “This way, it will give the two of you the opportunity to get to know each other, have some conversations, have some laughs.” “What do you think?” I said, “Baby, you know what, that’s a great idea.” “I love it, I love it.” “Okay, I’m on it. Frankie! Come on, we’re going trick-or-treating.” “What about my mom?” “She’s gonna stay home.” “Yay!” So we get in the car. [imitates doors closing, engine revving] And I take Frankie to “that neighborhood.” You know what I’m saying. That neighborhood that gives out the Costco candies. Yeah. So we park the car and we start going up the street. And I’m not wearing a costume, I’m there for him. So he’s dressed up for Halloween, I’m just me. So some of the doors we knocked on, the people freaked out. One guy was like… “The Fluffy!” I was like, “Oh, my God, I’ve never been referred to as ‘The Fluffy.'” I didn’t know what to say. “It is I.” [humming epic tune] One door we knocked on, they opened the door, they were like, “Oh, my God, you’re famous!” I was like… We go all the way up, cross the street, come all the way back. By the time we get to the car, the bucket is overflowing with candy. Okay? So we get back to the house, and it hasn’t even been an hour. We walk in, and Frankie’s mom is pissed. She’s like, “What the hell is this?” I go, “What?” “I thought I told you to take him trick-or-treating.” I go, “I did. Like, show the score.” “The whole point of you taking him trick-or-treating wasn’t to get candy.” “The hell you say.” “What was the point?” “The point was for the two of you to spend time together, have some laughs, have some conversations, get to know one another.” “You’re not going to do that in an hour.” “Can you please, for me, take him out one more time for at least an hour?” “Baby, I get it, don’t even worry about it, I got it.” So I said, “Frankie, come on. Dump out your bucket. Round two.” So we go outside, we get in the car… [imitates doors, engine] I don’t want to go door-to-door again, so I say, “I got an idea.” I take Frankie to Walmart. We get to Walmart, and Frankie goes, “What are we doing here?” “I got it, watch.” We walk in, I said, “Grab a cart.” “Follow me.” And I lead Frankie all the way to the candy section. As soon as we get to the candy section, I stop the cart. And I got in Frankie’s face and I said, “Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds to grab as much candy as you can.” “Ready? Go!” And he froze. I said, “Dude, clock’s ticking, move.” “Oh, my God!” So he grabs a bag, looks at it, throws it in the cart. Grabs a second bag, looks at it, throws it in the cart. Grabs a third bag, and on the third bag… “Time!” And it was the first time I heard him go, “Shit!” ‘Cause he knew he wasted that golden opportunity, those first few seconds. So we get to the car, I rip open the three bags, I dump them out in his bucket, and I tell him, “Look, Frankie, when we get home, you cannot tell your mom that we went to Walmart.” “Why not?” “Because she’s gonna say that we cheated trick-or-treating.” “But it’s better.” “I know it’s better.” So we get home, and of course now it’s a different tone. She’s like, “There you are. Did you guys have a good time?” “We had a great time, baby. We had a good time, huh, Frankie?” “That’s good. Frankie, give me your candy.” “Why, Mom?” “Because I need to go through your candy to make sure it’s safe for you to eat.” “Why wouldn’t it be safe? It all came from…” [in Spanish] “Shut up, you idiot! Shut up. Shut up, you son of a bitch. Shut up.” He almost took down the empire, know what I’m saying? So he hands over the bucket and she grabs it and immediately dumps it out on the table right in front of us. She notices, you know. “There’s a lot of the same candy right here.” “A lot of the same candy.” “Can you explain why there’s so much of the same candy in Frankie’s bucket?” “I don’t know what to tell you, baby, there’s a lot of basic bitches in this neighborhood.” “We can’t go back to that other neighborhood because they got cameras and they’re gonna know us and we don’t want to be ‘that person.'” So fast forward one year. It is now October 31st, 2008. And for some reason, I’m not booked on Halloween again. And so my girl’s like, she swears up and down. “Oh, it’s a sign, it’s a sign.” I’m like, “It’s a sign my agent is slacking.” Shout-out, Matt, I know you’re here. Sorry about that joke. You’re doing a great job, thank you for this one, but that year you dropped the ball, so… But anyway… [chuckles] And so Frankie’s mom is like, “I think that, you know what?” “Maybe, just maybe, we can make this like a tradition.” “This could be you guys’ thing: the two of you go out trick-or-treating and then I’ll stay home and give out candy.” “This could be your thing.” I go, “You know what, baby, sounds good to me.” “Frankie, come on, we’re going trick-or-treating.” “What about my mom?” “She’s gonna stay home again.” “Yay!” So we get outside, we get in the car. [imitates doors closing] I lean over and I look at Frankie and I said, “Frankie, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “Walmart!” We pull up to Walmart. [engine revs, tires squeal, doors slam] We walked in, I said, “Frankie, grab a cart.” “Follow me!” And I lead him all the way to the candy section. As soon as we get to the candy section, I stop the cart and I get in his face. I said, “Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds to grab as much candy as you can.” “Ready? Go!” Apparently, this motherfucker was training all year for this. As soon as I said “Go!” his arm, bam, and he starts gutting the shelf. He’s ripping bags of candy into the cart. He overflowed the shopping cart in ten seconds. I firmly believe that’s the first day of my diabetes. And that’s a story that I’ve been sharing, you know, at parties and just close friends, and I just recently started telling it onstage. And he overheard me one time saying the story, and he’s like, “Really? Still?” I’m like, “It’s a good story!” “You’re the hero!” And, you know, some things transpire. And, uh, one day he wanted to have a conversation with me, and he caught me off guard. He’s like, “Can I talk to you, Dad?” “Yeah, what’s up?” “I have something I want to tell you.” “Okay, what’s up?” “It’s important.” “Okay.” “It’s serious.” “Can you please sit down?” “How far along is she?” “What are you talking about?” “What are you talking about?” “Don’t be scaring me, dude.” “It’s about us.” “Okay.” “What’s up?” He tells me… “Can you please stop making fun of me?” And when he said it, I felt it, because I knew how hard it was for him to bring that up. And I said, “How long have you felt this way?” “My whole life.” “Have you ever tried to bring this up in the past?” “Yeah.” “What did I say?” “You told me to put on deodorant.” “It worked.” “Look, Frankie, um… I didn’t know how to be a dad, okay?” “It was one of those things where there were certain things I didn’t want to do.” “I knew that I never wanted to yell at you, and I knew for a fact that I never wanted to hit you.” “So I did the best thing I could do with what I knew how to do.” “I made fun of you!” “That’s called shaming.” “This year.” “Look, if you don’t want me to do any more stories or jokes or just make fun, I understand.” It’s one of those things where I didn’t want to make him feel bad, and I don’t want to feel bad, you know what I mean? So I said, “Look, I’m going to let the audience know that we spoke. And… so that they understand why, moving forward, in the future, there will be no more stories about Frankie.” “Why is that important?” “Because if I don’t explain why I stopped talking about you, they’re gonna think you died.” “I don’t want… “ “I don’t want them to think you died either.” Gave him a big hug, reminded him how much I love him, ’cause I love him very much, and I hope he knows that. [cheering] I think that a lot of the issues and frustrations we’ve had for a while now have a lot to do with the fact that I am no longer with his mom. I don’t want you guys to think that I’m going to start doing jokes about her. I’m not. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about the woman I was with for almost 14 years. Okay? Nothing bad, nothing negative, nothing derogatory, nothing… nothing short of awesome. Nothing short of good vibes, okay? I have nothing bad to say about her. And not just because I signed a piece of paper that said I wouldn’t say anything bad. But because, at the end of the day, that is still my son’s mom and I need to make sure she continues to support me being his dad. So you got to keep it cool. I will tell you, though, that I did not handle the breakup well. She was, in fact, the first breakup, like real… She was my first true love. I’ll just say it, she was my first true love. And I did not handle it well. You’re supposed to have your heart broken when you’re, like, 12. When you have your first crush. That’s when you’re supposed to have your first heartache, not in your forties. It’s supposed to be when you’re young, you’re little, you’re resilient. You realize it’s not going to work out, so you’re devastated. “No!” ♪ And I… ♪ Yeah. Not when you’re in your forties. So, without divulging too much information, let me just tell you that, when everything was finalized, I was at the gas station and I got a text message basically saying, “Everything’s been signed.” “It’s official, it’s turned in.” And I’m like, “Oh, wow, okay.” I get in the car, I start the car, and then I put it in drive. And that’s when it hit. That’s when it became real. That’s when it was like, “Oh, my God.” “I can no longer go home.” That’s no longer an option. I have messed things up. I can no longer go back to what I called home. I have to restart my life right then and there at the gas station. And I had a full-blown meltdown. And some of you know that my tour came to an end a while back and people were wondering, is it drugs, is it alcohol, is it mental health? I was going through my first breakup. How was I supposed to be an effective comedian when I couldn’t stop crying? You know what I mean? It was bad. And you guys have heard the shows before, you know I never bring this up. It was the lowest point of my life. I had never felt so sad, weak, vulnerable, depressed, lonely, everything all rolled into one. And it was at the lowest point of my life that I found… That’s right, country music. Country music knows when you’re sad. Country music knows when you’re weak. Country music knows when you’re vulnerable and you need something to fill the void. I used to fight off country music. I used to look country music in the face and tell country, “You can take your achy-breaky heart, you keep on movin’.” But not today. Let me tell you what’s going on. I’m in the car and I’m crying so much, my tears are rolling down my cheek and they’re blending with my snot. They’re blending with my mocos. My tears are blending with my mocos, and then blending with my babas, with my drool. I have three different fluids coming out of my face at the same time. My neck looked like menudo. It was bad. All I needed was a pinch of limón and say, “That’s it, right there.” I am making ugly sounds, and I don’t want to hear myself, so I turn on the stereo, and I started hitting buttons. And it lands on the country station. And I knew immediately that it was country music I was listening to, and I did not try to change the station, because I figured, you know what? I deserve to suffer more for the mistakes I made and the people I hurt. So I let it play. And play and play and play. I listened to country music for over an hour and I came to this conclusion: country music has at least one song that will speak to your heart directly because you feel like the artist wrote the song specifically about you and your life, because of how detailed the songs are. Oh, yeah, my hat’s off to country music singers and artists. You guys, you know how to do something very well, and it’s not till you experience a certain time of your life that it makes sense. I’m in that car bawling and all of the sudden on the radio, I hear this… ♪ It’s been seven days ♪ ♪ Since you seen her ♪ How does he know it’s been seven days since I’ve seen her? ♪ You just can’t Get her off your mind ♪ ♪ ‘Cause every little thing That you do or say ♪ ♪ Is another reason You pushed her away ♪ ♪ And now you’re sittin’ in your car ♪ ♪ All alone ♪ Waaaa! How does he know? Make it stop! And it doesn’t stop, it keeps kicking you on the ground, reminding you what a piece of crap you are. ♪ You should have gone home And locked the door ♪ ♪ But you was outside being a whore ♪ ♪ And now you’re sittin’ in your car ♪ ♪ All alone ♪ So moving forward, it’s been over a year now, and the same question has been asked over and over again: “So, what now?” “Are you gonna start over, you gonna get back up on that horse, you gonna get a girlfriend, you gonna get a wife, start a new family, what are you gonna do?” And I’m like, “I got dogs.” “I’m good right now.” I know what it’s like to be single for a long time, and I know what it’s like to be in a relationship for a long time. And there’s pros and cons to both. I can only speak for the guys on this one. Some guys. Guys, you ever been single so long, you start to question whether or not it’s by choice? And then you find yourself saying things like, “Guess I’ll be single forever, you know, just nobody wants me.” ♪ Nobody wants me, nobody wants me ♪ Some of you are laughing ’cause you have that friend. A lot of you are quiet, ’cause that’s you right now. And then you notice how sometimes all it takes are just a couple of minor changes, a couple of minor adjustments to get back in the game. Like, maybe you start cutting your hair different. Maybe you start dressing better. Maybe you start, I don’t know, showering and shit. Someone takes notice and decides to give you a chance, and now you’re back in the game. And there’s no greater feeling in the world than that of being in a brand-new relationship ’cause you’re just so happy. You’re so happy, you’re the most optimistic person in the world. Nothing can mess your day up when it’s brand-new. You can miss your bus on the way to work. [imitates bus passing] “There’ll be another.” You could get fired. “Guess it wasn’t meant to be.” You are so freaking happy. And then you start to reflect on your life before the relationship, and you remember how you would look at your phone and it would never ring. You thought it was broken because there’s no text messages. You look at your DMs, nothing. But the minute you get into a brand-new relationship, like magic, your phone… [imitates buzzing] Text message. Ding! Your social media, now you got numbers in there. People in the street are talking to you, and then you say this out loud. “Where were all these people at when I was single?” Answer: they were there the whole time. The difference is, you were not this happy. I found out that happiness is one of the most attractive things in the world. Who doesn’t want to be around someone who’s positive? You know? Unless you got Covid. Never mind. Nice, pleasant. A joy to be around. Good energy. You know who really notices just how happy you are, guys, when it’s that brand-new relationship? Other women. Not your woman. Other women. They can’t help but notice how happy you are. They stare at you and they point. “Look at him. Look how happy he is. I bet I can change that.” Guys, you are now blood in the water, and the sharks are out. And if you’ve never been hunted before, it is one of the scariest things in the world. ‘Cause usually you don’t know you’re being hunted until it’s too late. You’re over there minding your business, you’re in your relationship, you’re trying to make it work, and here they come. [imitating “Theme from Jaws”] Before you know it, it’s too late, she’s got ahold of you and she has you pinned down in the back seat of a car. And she’s hitting you. She’s hitting you with a… ♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪ ♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪ ♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪ ♪ Baby shark ♪ You will never look at that song the same way again, you’re welcome. ‘Cause I’m a giver. I know. They’re flashing. Okay, so, um… Netflix is letting me know… [laughing] …that my one-hour special has gone over by 37 minutes and 30 seconds. [cheering] Um… [man] Keep it going! [cheering loudly] [chanting “Fluffy!”] Should I keep going? [cheering] Should I keep going?! [cheering] Netflix. The people have spoken. For legal reasons, I must say this out loud. I have officially fulfilled my contractual obligation with the good people of Los Angeles and Netflix. The show is technically over. From this moment forward, anything you hear, if you don’t like it or you don’t think it’s funny, you can’t get mad. You can’t get mad. ‘Cause you didn’t pay for it. The show is now over. This is now a Fluffy hangout. [in Spanish] Fuck off. [crowd chanting “Fluffy!”] Thank you. I’m gonna keep going, but is it cool if I grab a soda? Okay. Because, wow, look. Sorry. That’s why I said the show is officially over. All right. [whistles] To the city of Los Angeles and all surrounding counties and everyone who’s here tonight, salud! [cheering] I have a little bit more I’d like to share with you before I completely start breaking down again. Earlier tonight, I made a comment about how there’s some things about me that you don’t know yet that are coming down the pike. And… [woman] Love you! This next thing… I love you too, maybe not after this story. Don’t forget me. The story that I’d like to share right now happened a long time ago, but based on today’s rules, that’s what’s concerning me. I’m gonna share this story in a different way. I’m gonna tell you the ending first and then tell you how it happened. Like Star Wars. At least by me giving you the ending first, it allows the people that brought children to make a choice. That’s why… see, you’re already leaving. I see how it is. I’m sorry. Can’t hang, huh? Okay. Here’s the end of the story. When I walked offstage, I was completely naked. Here we go. So 15 years ago plus, I was doing a show with my friend Martin. [audience] Martin! That’s right. [in Spanish] Come on! We were doing a show together in Orlando, Florida, at a comedy club called The Improv. Now, The Improv is a comedy club chain that’s all across the country. There’s a couple here in Los Angeles, so it’s an awesome chain. The difference between this comedy club and any other clubs in the country is that the dressing room for the comics is actually on the stage. Not only is it on the stage, it’s on the second floor. So there’s a door that opens up and stairs that lead down to center stage. So Martin is hosting and he introduces me. “Gabriel Iglesias!” And then here comes my big Cinderella ass come down the stairs, right? He hands me the microphone, gives me a hug, and then he whispers in my ear. “Bro, order a shot of tequila, I’ll explain later.” “Okay.” I start the show and, shoot, 30 minutes go by. And… I have completely forgotten about Martin’s request. So out of the corner of my eye, I start seeing movement, and I turn, and it’s Martin, and he’s like this. And I’m like, “Oh, shoot, I forgot. I sure could go for a shot of tequila right about now.” And here comes Martin walking with the tray. And the tray has two shots on it. So I’m thinking, he must want to do a toast to the audience, right? Who knows? It’s a Tuesday. He comes down to the front row, and I guess during his performance, he was eyeballing some girl in the front. And he wanted me, his friend, to set up this magical moment for him to do a tequila shot with her so he could impress her so he could, you know… Martin! Baby Shark! So I look at the girl like, “I think my friend wants to do a shot with you.” And she was excited, she was happy, she’s like, “Okay!” Martin hears “okay” and he doubled down. He’s like, “Let’s do body shots!” And she stands up, “Okay!” And the whole crowd is like, “Whoo!” And I’m like, “What the hell?!” Martin grabs a lime off the tray and then he rubs it on his neck. And then he takes salt and sprinkles salt. And then she snatches the lime away from him and rubs it all over her chest ’cause she’s a whore. Next thing you know, they’re making out in the front row, and the whole crowd’s going crazy. “Martin! Martin! Martin!” And they walked away together, and I’m like, what the hell? I didn’t even get my shot! A couple of minutes go by, and here comes a guy, and he walks up to the stage and he’s holding a shot glass, and he goes, “Hey, Fluffy, you can have mine!” And he gave me his personal drink. So I said, “Thank you, bro, I appreciate that.” So I held it up and I said, “To Orlando!” And everyone cheered, right? And then I slammed the shot, and then everyone cheered, and then I gave him back the glass, gave him a fist bump, and he walked away. A couple of more minutes go by, here comes another guy. And this guy’s holding a glass. Not a shot glass, a glass glass. And he gets to the front and he holds it up and he goes, “Hey, Fluffy, take mine!” And I grab the glass, and it’s full of black stuff. I said, “What is that?” And he said, “That is Jäger.” “Excuse me?” “Jäger!” And it freaked me out because he would not close his mouth. “Jäger!” I smelled the drink, it smelled sweet, I said, “Oh, this is gonna be good.” So I held it up and I said, “To Orlando!” And everyone cheered, and then I slammed this double shot of Jäger. Oh, my God, it tasted like expired NyQuil. It was so bad. The guy looks at me, he goes, “What do you think?” I didn’t want to be rude. He gave me his personal drink, so I sucked it up, I’m like, “It was good, it went down the wrong way, I’m sorry.” [in Spanish] “It’s for soothing a cough, for a cough!” I give him back the glass, he takes the glass, and then he does this, he holds it up, and then he goes… And he licked the entire rim. I have seen enough episodes of Law & Order: SVU to know that if he commits a crime, I was there. I’m like, “Dude, what are you doing with the glass?” He will not explain why he did that, he’s just laughing at me. So I’m just following him and questioning him. He won’t tell me. I’m not paying attention. I don’t realize that a small line has formed on the other side of the stage of people holding shots of Jäger. The problem that I have is that I’m a drinker. Clearly. And I have a rule. If I’m at a bar and I’m sitting at the bar, I’m in a drinking environment, if someone sends me a shot, I don’t say no. I say, “Thank you,” I accept the shot, and I tell the bartender, “Who sent it?” so that I can lock eyes with that person and go, “Thank you,” and they can see me drink the shot so they know it didn’t go to waste. If someone sends me a shot, I take that as a compliment. I think it’s an awesome thing if someone sends you a drink, so when I send someone a drink, I mean good intentions with that drink. And if that person is, like, at the bar, and they’re like, “Ugh, no,” I’d take offense to that. I’m like, “Ugh, dick.” I don’t want to make someone feel that way, so I know, if I’m in a drinking environment, I don’t say no. I have already established the fact that this is a drinking environment. I’ve already done two rounds. And so I see what’s going on, and I’m looking for help because that’s a lot. So I look for security, and I’m like, “Security!” And security sees, and security was so clueless that night. They’re like, “Want me to help you drink?” “No, stupid!” Martin is gone somewhere, security’s clueless, so I’m stuck on my own. So I walk over and I start drinking. I grabbed the first shot, and I held it up and I said, “To Orlando!” Boom! Second one, “To Orlando!” Boom! Third one, “To Orlando!” Boom! After about eight shots, I was like, “To Nanando!” Boom! After about 12 shots, I was like, “To Armando!” Boom! I did 17 shots of Jäger. At this point, people are no longer watching my show for the sake of stand-up comedy, they’re watching a train wreck and they don’t want to leave ’cause they want to see what’s going to happen. I am now reaching for number 18. And as I’m reaching for it, someone in the back of the room yells out, “Take it off!” And I was like, “You take it off!” And then her boyfriend stands up. “Hey! She’ll take off whatever you take off.” And all of the sudden, we had a party. That girl came up onstage and she was beautiful. According to Jäger. She’s standing on the stage next to me, but at this point I’m so gone, I can barely finish a sentence. So then the crowd starts chanting. “Take it off! Take it off!” I’m like, “Here we go,” so I kick off a shoe. She kicks off a sandal. I kick off the other shoe, she kicks off the other sandal. Then we started going toe-to-toe. Eventually I end up in my boxers and nothing else. And she’s in a sports bra and her underwear, and it’s her turn, and we all know it’s her turn. And this is what I feel like I might get in trouble for because I was instigating. I was like… “Oh! Oh!” “We’re gonna see something. We’re gonna see something.” “I don’t know what we’re gonna see, but we’re gonna see something.” “It’s either going to be mo-mo or meow-meow.” “It’s going to be something.” As soon as she heard “meow-meow…” she ran off the stage, and now I’m standing there in my boxers. No one there to help me. Finally, my friend shows up. Martin comes out the door, runs down the stairs, takes the microphone away from me. And he goes, “Get your ass upstairs.” I’m not paying attention, I’m just looking at the ground, you know? I am gone, I’m this guy. I look like the end of a Mortal Kombat game. So, I’m not looking at Martin, so he pops me in the chest. He goes, “Hey!” And I see Martin’s face. And his whole face is covered with salt. ‘Cause he’s a whore. Martin says, “Get your ass upstairs!” “Okay, Martin!” So I start trying to walk up the stairs, but I can’t ’cause I’m too drunk, so I got to do that little baby bear crawl. You know, that football thing where you get on all fours. And so I crawled up the stairs like a little baby bear, and when I got to the top, everyone cheered. “He made it!” And so I’m, “Whoo!” And Martin, he’s just trying to get me to go away. He’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias.” “This man gave you everything he had!” “He almost got naked for you!” And then I heard “almost.” And a little devil appeared on my shoulder. And his name was Jäger! And from the top of the stairs, freakin’ 3-2-1, “I’ll tell you what…” And I threw my underwear at Martin. Half the crowd saw my side naked profile, the other half saw Pikachu. Now, the problem with sharing a story like that is that people have questioned the credibility of that story. They say, “How is it possible you could remember a story like that with such detail after drinking so many shots?” And honestly, I don’t. But we recorded the show. So I know the story very well, you know. “She’ll take off whatever you take off. She’ll take off whatever you take off. She’ll take off whatever you take off.” I know it very well. The question that I’ve always gotten over the years is, you know, “Are your stories real? You know, we hear these crazy stories, whether it’s about me and Snoop Dogg or Martin or all these different adventures or my son Frankie. People have always questioned whether or not the stories are, like, legit-legit. And so in my last special, I addressed it. I was tired of people asking if my stories were real, so to prove a point, at the end of my last special that I did, I included a photo of every single one of the stories that I talked about so that people would know the stories are real. And tonight… is no exception. So… Did I really get naked onstage? Ryan, hit the button. I’m fucking with you. [laughs] Oh, my God, you guys thought you were gonna see 3-D. I’m sorry, I did that for me. Oh, my God. You were getting stressed, like, [in Spanish] “You asshole! There are kids here!” Oh, my God. The number-one question I’ve gotten when it comes to my shows is, “What is your writing process?” My writing process is simple. I do not sit and write out jokes. I am really bad at that. Ask the Oscars. I experience things, and then I come out onstage and I share them, and sometimes people laugh, and if they laugh, I keep that, and whatever doesn’t get a laugh, I work on until it gets a ha-ha. Fifteen-plus years ago, my friend Ivan, who is one of my… he is my number-one longest, oldest employee. Not old like, “Hello, how are you?” He’s been around a long time. He’s been there from day one. Ivan’s original job was to record my shows using a camcorder. Now, the fact that I’m saying “camcorder” should be an indication of the timeline. ‘Cause some of you right now are like, “What’s a camcorder?” It was the Snapchat of our day. So Ivan would record the shows and then put away the camcorder and the tripod and a bunch of tapes into a bag. It was very bulky, it wasn’t a phone, it was bulky. And then we’d go back to the hotel and he’d break the little guard off the back of the TV and then he’d hook it up and we’d watch the thing, and that’s how I would review my material. One night, we go to dinner. Ivan packed up the bag. And we met in the hotel lobby. And Ivan forgot the camera bag in the hotel lobby. And we went to dinner, and when we came back, it was gone. And we never recovered the tape. And I know some of you are like, “How convenient.” “The tape of him getting naked is gone.” And to you I say, “Why would I even make up such a story that could potentially hurt my credibility or my image?” I don’t need five minutes of ha-ha. What I need is there to not be a tape. I know that there’s footage out there of me doing something really embarrassing and something I wish I could take back, and I know that, when this Netflix special airs, a lot of people are gonna see it, and hopefully the person who has the footage is watching. And I would like to tell that person right now, in your living room, I know you have the tape. I have $50,000 with your name on it. Come get paid. [fans chanting “Fluffy!”] For the last 25 years, every year I get the same question. People ask me, “Gabriel, in all your years of doing comedy, what has been the greatest moment of your career?” And it’s always been one of those things where I never try to put a highlight to one specific thing, because there have been so many incredible moments over the last 25 years. You know? I love the fact that my mom saw so much of it and she saw her son become successful and that she raised someone that was respectful of people and that, you know, chased his dream. And I’ve always been very, like, I never wanted to put a specific date or time or event on one thing, whenever people would ask, “What has been the greatest moment of your career?” The problem is, I think that, if someone were to ask me the question on Monday… “Gabriel, what has been the greatest moment of your career?” I think I have an answer. [cheering] I’m sorry, I’m not trying to mislead you guys. This is not the greatest moment of my career. This is the greatest moment of my life. [cheering and applause] And if I die tomorrow, I did everything I’ve ever wanted to do and then some. I think at this point, there’s only one thing left to say. I get pulled over one night two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. I made a left turn instead of making a right turn, but I wasn’t paying attention because I had a box, right? I was like, “You’re going to get it when you get home!” “You’ve been so bad, so bad!” “Aaah! You’ve been so bad.” I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way. [imitates car passing] [siren wailing] Awwww! [engine revs, tires squeal] Hmm! [in falsetto] Later. [speaking gibberish] The officer’s taking forever. I said, “Forget this, he’s taking too long.” I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open. “Ahh! Mmmmm!” “Ha-ha-ha-ha!” “Mm-waah! Waaaah!” And just as I’m about to tear it up, the officer gets to the window. “You know why I stopped you?” It was too easy, I said, “‘Cause you can smell it!” [cheering and applause] Los Angeles. I love you. You are my home. Thank you for 25 years. Thank you for the greatest night of my life. I will never forget you. Thank you. Thank you. This show is dedicated to the memory of Vincente Fernandez! Muchísimas gracias! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Martin! [Vincente Fernandez singing “El Rey”] Give it up for the man that made history tonight. You guys and Gabriel Iglesias! All I can tell you right now, this cabrón right here, Gabriel Iglesias, pulled all you guys together to unite Los Angeles. Every color, every single race, every single belief, every single faith, every background, every neighborhood, everybody’s here united in laughter because of Mr. Gabriel Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen. [crowd chanting “Fluffy!”] Listen to me, everybody out there with a dream, these are three Mexican kids from the freaking ‘hood, cabrones, all right? East Los Angeles! East Los. Long Beach! Wilmington! That’s right. And I tell you, if we can follow our dreams, you follow your dreams, cabrones. Please. I don’t care what it is! [Gabriel] Don’t make excuses. Don’t let nobody tell you no! [Gabriel] Don’t make any excuses, you guys. If we can do it, por favor. I know that somewhere tonight, someone’s watching this special, they’re going to be inspired to do something great. I know that a few years ago, I was in Philadelphia and I saw Kevin Hart in front of a football stadium perform a show like this, and I said, “You know what, Kevin Hart can do it, I can do it.” So I hope somewhere tonight, someone is watching this, says, “You know what, I can do it too.” Whatever your dream is, please go for it. Please chase it. Work hard for it, sacrifice. [in Spanish] Just do it. [crowd chanting “Fluffy!”] So, Martin, did he really get naked? Did he get naked? His balls were everywhere!

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Iliza Shlesinger: Hot Forever (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-hot-forever-transcript/

[upbeat music playing] [crowd cheering] Cleveland, Ohio! Thank you! Thank you so much. This is so great. This is so nice to be here with you in public. We’re not stuck at home doing this for ten likes. Ah, that’s right, you danced. You know you did. It was a real blight on American history. No one wants to talk about how they danced, but people danced. They’re like, “If I do it enough, it’s my key to financial freedom.” “I don’t need to read a book.” “I’ll just do this for ten likes. I hope it works out for me.” No! You were never gonna make money dancing on TikTok. You want to know why? Because you’re ugly. It’s only for, like, 22-year-old smokin’ hot girls. They’re like, “It’s a skill,” and dude’s finger going now. “Oh, good job, Chloe.” Yeah. It was never gonna be your financial future. We got a whole microgeneration of kids now going for job interviews at, like, Bank of America. “It says here under ‘special skills, ‘ ‘Look up at Travis.'” He’s… Nothing? The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok, okay? There is no music in real life, there is no editing. The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, that would be very weird for you if you saw one of those dances in the wild. You’re out at a bar and look over on the dance floor and you see a girl just… You’d be like, “Oh, no. Hope she gets home okay.” The dances on TikTok were never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Let’s put this into some scene work. Before we get in the scene work, I just want to acknowledge this is my sixth Netflix special, and I built a career… [cheering] Good night. I’ve built a career the last five specials talking to people in general, but I always want girls to feel good, to know that I’m on their side. Yeah, I want you to do well. Yeah. But, boys, that doesn’t mean I’m not on your side. I’m on no one’s side. I want everyone to do well. And, boys, I want you to have the information and the wisdom nuggets that girls have, because I believe you are half the problem. So come along, let me teach you. It occurs to me now, I’m 39. I’m an elder millennial. I’m a mother. I have information. I remember dating, why waste all this information? So, this is for the young men in the crowd. We’re talking 30, younger, okay? The rest of you boys will die set in your ways, okay? For the young one. And the older guys are fine, they’re like, “Yeah, come and take it.” Okay. The younger ones, give me your squishy brains and let me help you, okay? Let me give you some pearls of wisdom to make it easier with the girls. So, the dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, let’s say you get a girl to go home with you. You get a girl to go back to your apartment by the grace of God, and you bring her back. You should know, boys, first of all, you get naked so fast. You’re like, “Do you wanna have sex?” The girl agrees, you sign the contract. It’s all good, NDA, done. She has barely even said, like, “Okay,” and you’re like, “You ready?” It’s like, “Is this America’s Got Talent?” Like, quick change, naked. Uh-oh. Is that made of Velcro? You get naked so fast, and then it’s uncomfortable because we’re sitting there as women, like, barely taking off our overalls. Like, “Oh, my God,” and you are naked, trying to make us comfortable, like, “Did you want a snack?” or… “You want soup?” “I have a cup of soup in the car.” While we appreciate that, you should know that’s uncomfortable because there’s us, half-naked in the corner, nervous. You are hovering over us, naked, trying to give us food. It feels like we’ve been kidnapped. “I promise you’re gonna like it here.” Okay. Getting naked should be a seductive dance, a back and forth. I take off my blouse, you take off your blouse. I wonder why he’s wearing a blouse, whatever. Back and forth. Instead, girls get nervous. Like, “Oh, don’t look.” “I know you’re going to be inside me soon, but don’t look at me naked.” He doesn’t care. “But I didn’t shave here.” He will rip it out with his teeth, he doesn’t fuckin’ care. Have some confidence. Men have Sasquatch bodies, and they’re like, “Isn’t it perfection?” And we’re… sculpted like, “I’m hideous! Oh, I didn’t shave my legs!” He doesn’t even know you have legs! He loves ya. Now you’re going to get in bed. Gentlemen, this is important. The way in which one gets into the bed, okay? ‘Tis a dance. When you prepare the bed, it should require multiple gestures of pulling back multiple sheetsss. Ssss! [whooshing] Sheet, top sheet, duvet, duvet cover, comforter, nano-blanket, teddy bear. Multiple. It’s a workout, not you grabbing a crusty sleeping bag, like, “Get it over.” “Who sprayed this down with Febreze? This is normally in the duck blind.” Ohio likes that one. “Yeah, we go huntin’.” And then the way you get into the bed, boys. This is paramount, okay? When you get in bed, it should be a simple motion, it’s just… [whoosh] …and then it’s… [pop] …and then one leg and then the other, okay? Now, what I’m about to paint for you is a memory that a lot of women have suppressed, and I’m gonna say it, and you’re gonna be like, “Oh, my God, Tom!” Like it’s… Boys, you get so excited that we’re gonna have sex. The girl’s trying to go to the bathroom, the guy’s like, “I’ll meet you in bed.” And then we see you hop into bed. Never. Don’t get giddy, okay? This is a serious sexual experience. I don’t want to see, “I’m Peter Pan!” We never want to see… “Yippity-skippity!” We never want to see you fawnlike, like, “Oh, I’m dainty,” in the bed, okay? In my life, I’ve never been naked and had both feet leave the ground. Do you know how big that spider would have to be for me to just forget about physics? That spider would have to have a gun. Like, “Dance!” No! And now I’m going to say this. This is indelicate, but it bears being said. Gentlemen, when you “yippy-skippy” into the bed, you know, you’ve got to clear the mattress so the human body naturally rounds, your spine naturally rounds, and you hunch over to dive in, and I’m just gonna say it, “We can see your butthole.” Don’t want to see that. That’s not nice, okay? I just ruined so many rides home tonight. “Did you see my butthole?” “Susan, did you see my asshole? I need to know!” Don’t make us see that. That’s a lot to reckon with, okay? As it is, we’re fine with your body. We don’t want to see… It’s too intimate. We don’t even know how much we like you. We don’t even know if we’re going to be together. We already know the sex will most likely be mediocre for the girl. And then if she accidentally gets pregnant, depending on the state, she will be forced to carry that child to term. [cheering and applause] Just so we’re clear and it’s on record, fiercely pro-choice. There is no other way to be, and if you want to… [cheering] Oh, yeah. I hope this goes around the world. And if you, for whatever reason your heart desires, you want to keep your baby, that is fine, I want you to keep your baby. Just don’t make that choice for other women, okay? Okay. Okay. Back to the butthole jokes. So… He’s in bed. He buttholed, he daintied. He’s in the bed, the girl’s in the bathroom. The premise of this joke, gentlemen, is TikTok dances are not sexual independent of the app of TikTok. The dances are not sexy. It would be weird for you boys. You’re in your weird bed, and the girl comes out and she’s fully naked, and she’s just like… He’s like, “You look good. Why don’t you get in bed?” “Oh, I’m going to.” “But first… I’m going to seduce you… …with a dance from TikTok!” Remember, there’s no music. There are no filters. Just you guttural breathing to an eight-count, like, “One, two, three, four!” Tits swinging like an orangutan. The 20-year-olds are like, “Those aren’t the dances.” Every guy in here is like, “I mean… not not hot.” “You are a woman breathing in my apartment, so… wouldn’t kick you out of bed, just wondered how long you were gonna stay.” So I do have a little girl, and I love her more than life itself. One of the weird parts about being pregnant are the mental hurdles. One of them is that you have to accept that you’re going to gain weight, which, if you’re a woman, you’ve been taught that’s an unforgivable sin, right? Whatever weight you were at 12, you’ve got to spend your life trying to get back to that. You’re gonna gain weight, you’re gonna need new clothes. I didn’t buy maternity clothes, I just wore leggings and T-shirts, but you got to get new underwear, new big-girl underwear, that’s right. And you’ve got to get a new bra. And I will tell you what, that was mentally very difficult. Because a woman’s relationship with her bra, particularly the ugly one, is sacred, all right? Every girl has an ugly bra. That’s right, every girl. I believe it’s what unifies every woman on this planet. We all got an ugly bra, and the bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. That’s right. Every girl’s got an ugly bra. It’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in. She is battle worn. Every man in this crowd is like, “I seen that bra.” I woke up the other night, bra was looking at me like, “Get out of here, motherfucker!” People don’t understand our connection to ugly bra. Like, “Why don’t you get rid of her? She’s so ugly.” And we’re like, “‘Cause she does me right and she’s a hard worker.” “She’s loyal.” The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. There’s some truth for you, yeah. If you’re working with anything over a C cup, I got you. I know that pain, I know how hideous our bras are, okay? So you are my people. Anything… and I know. People are like, “You’ve got big boobs, is that hard?” It fuckin’ is, okay? They gaslight you, that’s right. There’s where all the big tits are, yeah. The world wants you to have giant knockers, and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them. All we want are cute bras. Instead they’re like, “Here’s a Soviet era wind sock.” “Just strap it on and help plow.” “Just do it.” You never got to wear the cute bras. Remember when you were a teenager? By the way, if you have smaller breasts, an A cup or a B cup, this is size-inclusive, but you don’t know! You don’t know what it was like being friends with you, and your girlfriends are like, “Let’s go to the mall.” Remember malls? And you go and they say, “Let’s go get cute bras at Abercrombie.” Remember Abercrombie? And you’d go with them, and they’re running forward, and you’re carrying around your grown woman divorcée chest. Like, “Wait for me!” “Can’t run, I’m not wearing two sports bras, I’m coming.” They’re all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle. You’re just sitting there eating a slice from Sbarro. Like… “My mom’s getting me at two. I’ll just be here.” They’d have the cutest bras. I always wanted the cute bras. None for you. They’d come out cute. “Look at this one, it’s made of moose felt. Mmm.” “Mm. So bucolic. Look at this one, it’s got hearts on it.” “This one’s got little kisses on it.” “I’m a child. Isn’t it so cute?” “Aww! This one’s got feathers.” “This one’s just two contact lenses and dental floss.” “Bouncy.” Not me! Not me and every other big-breasted girl. We were getting hauled into some back-alley discount van where some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you, scoop each breast into its own personal hurt locker and jiggle your tits around in front of your mother! Just sitting there. You’ve never even made out with a boy. She’s just grabbing at you like, “How does this feel?” You’re like, “I’m kind of turned on. I don’t know!” Ugly bra comes in one color. And I can only describe it as like a gray beige. Like, if clammy were a color. Like, I don’t know whose skin tone they’re matching, but it’s offensive. Who looks like that? It’s like a drowned Caucasian. It’s just… no life to it. And sometimes, to put lipstick on that pig, they’ll take a thread of the same pukey color and they’ll sew in a floral scape, like, “Oh, thank you.” “Yeah, someone brought me flowers. Thank you.” “Oh, a rose, but the death of my self-esteem.” “Thank you so much.” Sometimes to gussy it up, they’ll put a little gold coin here. Who is that for? The guy’s already pumped to be there. What guy takes off her shirt, he’s like, “Jackpot, yeah”? “Ch-ching!” “Oh, El Dorado. I have riches for my lifetime.” I got one ugly bra that had a ruby, a ruby, right here. What the fuck, am I a troll doll? Why? Ugly bra comes in that one color. I think the part that adds insult to injury are the thick straps. “Thick-ass strap.” No girl wants that. No girl wants thick straps. As you get older or if you’re pregnant, you want the support, but when you’re younger, you don’t fuckin’ want that. I want a licorice whip, that’s it, tiny. Just a… [blows] …whisper of… You don’t want the thick straps, and you know what? You look at any magazine, any fashion shoot, and in movies, there’s all these girls with huge boobs and they Photoshop out the straps. They don’t want you to see that fuckin’ harness holding it all up. They know no one wants to see a model with a backstrap of bacon. They know… Girls in movies, the ingenue, she’s got big boobs and she’s running, and it’s always like a tank top, and the tank top’s always falling, right? We like our women half-dressed and distressed. Just like, “Oh, my God, I dropped everything.” “I’m such a klutz. Oops. Tank top fall. Mm.” “Ooh, it’s a clove cigarette, I’m complex. How am I gonna…” And then the bra strap falls down. “Mm, I’m a riddle.” “Oh! I work at a café one day a week.” In my life, my bra strap has never fallen down. This thing clocks in for a union job at 9 a.m. Works a 12-hour shift as a tension bridge. It’s not fallen down, okay? If my bra strap fell down, the next thing you’d hear is like, “Oh, fuck!” “I’m taking my things and I’m leaving, thank you.” You never see a hot girl, tank top strap falls down, and there’s just a seat belt. You never see it. Why those straps got to be so thick? In case I need to, what, pull an apple cart to market? I toured Europe and did that joke in Hungary, and they were like, [Hungarian accent] “Yes, woman needs to help.” The hooks are also a nightmare. Multiple hooks, okay? Anything over three hooks is not a bra, it is an ADT interlocking security approach. [imitating static] [robotically] “Enter passcode.” Nobody wants all those hooks. No girl wants multiple hooks, because after three hooks, it’s not even a bra, it’s a brassiere, and it’s a full approach. Every girl wants a bralette, that’s what every girl wants. The cute, like, fart of a bra, that’s what you want. Boys, I know, I’ve lost you. You’re like, “What the fuck is a bralette”? “Why is she speaking French?” I got you. A bralette is a butterfly burp of an undergarment. It’s not even a bra, it’s just two hummingbirds, one under each nipple. Just two cat whiskers holding the back together. It’s… [blows] …bralette! That’s what that is. Multiple hooks are a nightmare. You could hurt yourself. Why is it that the hardest thing in the world to do is when you get out of the shower and your skin is damp and you connect the hooks here… Help! Shredding your clavicle. “So, why are you in hospice care?” “Well, I pulled a back muscle putting on my bra, and I think it’s over.” Multiple hooks bother me. And I was thinking about it, like, why is this so triggering? And it goes all the way back to being a teenager, like most things, okay? Remember the first time you seriously made out with a boy, Ohio? So, what, 12, I don’t know. Remember the first time? Oh, I can go lower. Yeah, I’ve played Louisiana, we can go into the single digits. We’ll put it at a 16. We’ll put it at a nice, healthy “Jack & Diane,” all-American 16, okay? The first time you, like, really made out with a boy, right? You’re making out with him. You know, as the girl, you are harboring that secret. You know the multiple hook situation. You know the Rubik’s Cube of nylon and nickel that’s back there. That’s a fuckin’ cloth LSAT he’s going to have to pass. You know what’s back there. The boy has no idea, why would he? He’s never seen a bra before. All he knows is, “I caught a big one.” Like, he’s just excited. You know he’s going to have to contend with that, and you’re keeping that secret, like a bridge troll guarding a secret. Like, [high-pitched] “If you can solve these riddles three… …naked for you I shall be.” And you know it’s back there, and there’s that moment, there’s that moment where you’re making out, right? And he pulls away, and you’re like, “It’s time.” And he’s like, “Let’s do it. I need you.” “I fucking need this, Jeremy.” And he puts his head here. He pulls away from kissing so he can look over your back and look down at his work. Of course he has to look at your back, of course he needs his eyes on his paper. He can’t do that for the first time, sight unseen… [speaking gibberish] He can’t do that. “Yippity-skippity.” He can’t do that. No man has the natural dexterity of a doll brain surgeon. Why would you be able to intricately have that gorilla grip, to expand, contract? Why would you know? I know, all the lesbians are like, “We figured it out.” By the way, gentlemen, we want you to get it. We don’t want you to be embarrassed. No woman worth her salt wants that. We want you to succeed, right? We want you to take off our bras, and by the way, boys, that is your role. That is your job, to take off her bra. And this has nothing to do with feminism or gender roles. It has everything to do with no woman wanting to make this face. [ululates] “How was the date?” “It was great and then she flew out of the sunroof.” “We were making out in an Ultima.” And so there’s that moment where, like, he pulls away and he puts his head here, but you’ve never made out with a boy, and now you’re just a head floating on his shoulder. Like, “What do I do?” You can’t, like, “You got it, Trey.” “Keep going, Steven.” You can’t say anything, so you start kissing his shoulder, like… “You can do it! I don’t know…” “My curfew’s in ten minutes.” “I need to be shirtless in the back of my mom’s Maxima. Hurry!” And you watch as his little monkey paw goes behind your back. And you’re a young girl, and you don’t know you’re about to come in contact with your first lesson in male fragility. Because the hand goes behind the back, and he’s focused and it’s silent. And then for us girls, the next thing we hear is just… [inhales sharply] [low-pitched] “Motherfucker!” [high-pitched] “Calm down.” Unnecessary to have so many hooks. Unnecessary. I did that joke in Portugal, and this woman comes up to me after the show, and she was like 5’5″, and she comes up, this little old lady. There was no security, she just walked right up, and she just… She goes… [speaking gibberish] I was like, “Yes? Hello?” And she just goes, “I have six hook and never tell no one.” [whoosh] I’m like, “Catch her, grab her jewel.” You don’t need all the hooks, and I’ll tell you why. When you go home tonight and you take off your bra, you’ll notice only one hook is doing the work. ‘Cause these things aren’t structurally sound. It’s that middle hook that’s been stripped of its paint. The hook and eye are so warped, it looks like God touching man. [groans] Ugly bra’s important. It’s an important bond. Brought ugly bra on a recent trip, um… You know, the world opened in the last year or so, and I think I’m like a lot of people in that, when you had the chance to take a trip, you were like, “We gotta fuckin’ go.” “Pack the toothbrush, let’s go.” So we took, like, a anniversary, post-baby, babymoon, birth-iversary, work is hard, mix it all together, “we never take a vacation” trip. We went to Italy, and I’m going to admit something that no woman has ever admitted before, here I go. Um… we did not have a great vacation, and… it was my fault. [gasps] [applause] Thank you so much, good night. No, it was my fault. But here’s why it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. Are you… a person who works? Are you a woman who works? Do you have a family? Do you have a passion in this world? Yeah. [cheering] Are you fucking tired? And not just tired from work, tired from living up to the expectations of everybody who comes in contact with you? It is exhausting. We need a break, and we’re always champion, like, “Oh, keep working,” and then it’s a joke when you’re tired, like, “Oh, my wife doesn’t want to have sex, she’s tired.” Not just tired, she wants to be dead for a week. She wants to be put in a medically induced coma, if, for nothing else, just to get rid of these bags so people stop asking her why she looks so tired. Yeah, I had just had a baby. I shouldn’t have gone, but I was like, “Get it while the gettin’ is good.” Body was different, mind was different. Exhausted from work, stressed out. Allergies, feeling nauseous. I think I took too much Ambien. Is anyone regulating this? And we get there, jet-lagged, and I am miserable. And to make it worse, everybody there, all the girls were like 25. “From Michigan!” And they were all, like, [like valley girl] “on their honeymoons with their baseball player husbands named Coleton.” “Hey!” “Coleton, come here.” “I’m flawless. Coleton.” “Blixly, Brangin, come here.” “Crackin’, come here.” What are we doing with these names, America? Like, why mess with normal names? No one thinks we’re from old-line British money. “Like, Huxton.” I’m sorry, are you a hotel lobby? What are these words? “Blisten, Blixon, Dasher, Dancer.” “Braxton, Higgs, Contraction, come here.” “Tinkle, come here, Triscuit. I married a kitten.” “Come here!” “Tinkle. I’m in a romper. Let’s take a picture.” Romping! Romping with Tinkle. Ruff! Boys, I know, again, I got you. “What the fuck is a romper?” I got you. Let me explain. A romper is a garment made for a toddler… [cheering and applause] …that, because of our society’s obsession with infantilizing women, we have convinced grown adult women that they need to wear, okay? Not one woman has ever put on a romper and then said, “And there’s so much room in the crotch.” I think it’s all a part of a giant plan to keep women down. Like, you’ll have CEOs, mothers, businesswomen walking into meetings, like, “Thank you for waiting.” Just tugging at it. You got to be smart to wear a romper, I hope you know that. You do. It’s a puzzle. ‘Cause there’s only enough cloth to cover one set of genitals adequately. Like, you can cover your nipples, but, Cleveland, your south mouth is out. Okay? It’s gonna be out. I’m a woman. When I put on my clothes, I should not have to decide if I’m going to dress to the left or the right. They’re all in rompers having the best time, and all the Italian women were stunning. Olive skin, designer outfits, wearing six-inch heels. Fuckin’ killing it on ancient cobblestone walkways, not missing a beat. Sitting there in fartable Umbros and orthotics, just eating. I’m just like, “It’s called parmesan. We’ll never see this cheese again.” “We should have it now.” “Load ‘er up on my bra, and I’ll pull it back to the hotel.” “It’s duty-free if you eat all of it.” Those women were so beautiful, and I would just look at them, snorting ham. And I would just be like, “You girls are so beautiful.” “This food here is so good. How are you not a thousand pounds?” And they would look at me and they would just be like… [blows out emphatically] “Because we smoke cigarette.” “We do not eat processed corn for every meal.” “American, you are disgusty.” And she was right. I was disgusty. But not of body, of heart and mind. I was feeling so bad for myself. Then I started to feel bad about how bad I was making myself feel. And if you’re like me, when I’m in a bad mood, nothing makes me feel better than dragging everyone down. Then I started to get mad at myself because I would look at these beautiful girls, who hadn’t just had a baby, and I would be like, “They’re making me feel bad about myself.” Which is insane, okay? They’re not making you feel anything. And it’s okay, it’s okay to look at other women and decide what you like about them that you might want for yourself, okay? And society will label you competitive, a word that we reserve as a positive for male CEOs, male athletes, and men in general, but if a woman makes herself better, “She’s competitive.” “Sit the fuck down.” It’s normal, it’s intelligent. It’s called fucking adapting. It’s called evolution. When I look at another girl, it’s not about disdain for her, it’s about looking at her and thinking, “What about you do I want to try for me?” That’s what we do. You are constantly… It’s a goose. You are constantly… okay. You are constantly submarine sonaring yourself off of other women. That’s how you improve. Life is not a vacuum. You have to take in everything around you. [imitating sonar emissions] “She has bangs, should I get bangs? Remember the 2000s? Don’t do it.” “She’s wearing a mustard jumper. Should I…” “No, mustard doesn’t look good on white people.” “Low-rise jeans? No, you just had a baby.” “High-waisted, elder millennial black-denim-till-you-fuckin’-die, sister.” Every girl does it. Admit it. Every girl does it. Don’t believe women that are like, “I don’t judge other women.” Yes, you do, and I judge you for lying about it, how’s that? It’s okay. It’s okay to even have a bad thought. Don’t share it, don’t be a fuckin’ monster. Every girl does that. You leave your house feeling great. You’re thriving, right? You just did, like, ten minutes of yoga, mostly Shavasana, but you still did it. You made a recipe for a green matcha oat latte you saw on TikTok. So you did that. And you’re feeling so good, right? You leave your house like, “I feel so lean, so good.” You see another girl, maybe she’s not the cutest, right? Maybe she has her own hermit crab shell. Who knows? At least she’s a homeowner, who knows? You see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you judge her. You’re like, “She’s not too cute.” Maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s wearing boot-cut jeans and wedges, who knows? Oh, my God, Cleveland, that’s bad, okay? We’ll cut that part. You see her and… It was bad. But you see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you’re just like, “Oh, she’s so cute, she’s trying. Mm.” “Why does she bother? I look so good. Oh.” And then you turn the corner and see one of those hot girls in the butterfly fart bras, and she looks beautiful even when she cries, and you’re like, “Why do I bother?!” [groaning] “Return me to the sea.” “Let my body break down into fossil fuels that I may fuel the yachts of hotter people.” Your partner just wants you to feel good, right? Your husband, your boyfriend, they want you to feel good. They don’t understand the complexity of self-loathing when it comes to being a girl. They don’t understand that everything is attached and nothing is an isolated incident, right? Men are able to compartmentalize, but they are simple. And I envy that. A guy can look at weight gain like an isolated thing. [low-pitched] “Well, I gained weight.” “Better remedy that with some bigger pants.” “Here we go.” “To the Dillard’s.” Not that simple for girls, is it? ‘Cause when we gain weight, it’s never just about the weight. Is it? No. It’s attached to many things because everything is everything and it’s all happening at once. “I gain weight because I don’t have a work/life balance because I hate my fucking job because I didn’t get the job I wanted because I didn’t go to school because the guy I was dating didn’t encourage me and I always date the wrong men.” That’s what it’s about. That’s what it’s about. We are constantly beating ourselves up as women, and we are constantly feeling bad. And then I started to feel bad about the fact that we feel bad, and I started to think on the fact that we have a mental illness in this country where, as totally normal women, we just feel bad about ourselves, or we just feel gross. At least once a day, if you’re an American woman, you will utter the phrase, out loud or to yourself, “I just feel so gross.” For what? For sweating? For working out, for not working out? For feeding yourself? For having sex? Okay, that one, I don’t know. He might be… They might be… To burn off the whole arm. Okay. It’s easy to stand here and say that. However, counterpoint. You know when you’re eating and you take, like, one extra bite too much and you can feel yourself gain weight because your bra gets tight? You know what I’m talking about? [cheering] I call it “the thickening.” And, boys, you need to know about the thickening because so many of our behaviors as women, you’re like, “She just went crazy, everything was fine.” No, ’twas the thickening. It’s not you. You brought over a nice meal. It’s not your fault. The girl’s sitting there, “I’m having the best time,” and… Poof! [low-pitched] “Uh-oh!” “Get me out of here!” And you should know, once the thickening happens, it’s over, and it’s nothing you did. We need to go to a safe space and eat more food, okay? That’s what the thickening is. She’s not horny. You’ve got to get her out of there. No woman’s ever been like, “I just feel so gross.” “Let’s fuck it out of me!” It’s over. Give it a beat. I was feeling so bad about myself and so mad at myself and just awful, and my husband looks at me and he goes, “Well, I think you’re beautiful.” [audience] Aww! [growling] [low-pitched] “It’s not about what you think!” “It’s between me and her, and she doesn’t even know it!” And every night we’d go to bed, I would kiss my husband good night, and I would say, “I love you.” My husband would say, “I love you too.” And I would say, “Okay.” “Go to sleep.” And he’d roll over and he’d go to bed, and I’d roll over and stare at the door. Where bra would be hanging. And I’d look at her and she at me. And I’d whisper to her. And I’d say, “I love you.” And bra would look back at me and she’d say, [straining voice] “Let me die!” “I served you well.” “My cups runneth over.” “Seriously, you need to go up a band size.” And I’d say, “Please, don’t go.” “You could at least wash me!” I’m like, “I need you now more than ever.” “I can be useful in other ways.” “You can carry your jewelry in my cups.” “I could be stuffed into the shoe to keep its form.” It was like the end of The Giving Tree. “Cut off my straps and make me into a necklace for a village cat.” Only been married for four years, but in that short time, I have figured out what marriage is. Notice how everyone’s silent. All the long-haulers are like, “Let’s hear it, missy!” Marriage is, every morning for the rest of your life, waking up next to someone and having to hear a full report of how that person slept. And if you don’t act like this information is new… …and interesting, you are a monster. My husband does not sleep well. I know my husband does not sleep well because I sleep next to my husband. But part of my wifely duties is, every morning, I must play the part. I must get into character. I wake up, I see him. [exhales sharply] [wavering voice] “Oh!” “How did you sleep… …milord?” “Seems you’ve grown a tail.” Then my husband plays his part. “Who, me?” “Ohh!” “Not well.” And then I’m like, “Oh.” “That’s fascinating.” “Hmm. What could we do with this brand-new problem?” “Do you think you maybe, finally, want to see a medical doctor… …before I kill you?!” I don’t talk about my husband a ton in my act, but I did that joke for the first time a few weeks ago and he was on tour with me, and I came off-stage, I was like, [apologetically] “Is that okay?” And my husband was like, “No, it’s great.” “It’s great, it’s cool.” “It’s just really cool how only one of us has a microphone.” I was like, “What do you mean?” He’s like, “Like you never repeat yourself?” I’m like, “What do I repeat?” He’s like, “How many times a night do you yell at me to look at the dog?” “She’s a dog, and she’s naked. Look at her!” “Look at… she sleeps between my feet, I see her.” “She has tail and mouth.” “She has perfect nose-to-mouth ratio, one-to-one, never seen before.” “She’s just baby.” He’s like, “You know, we have a real baby.” “But this one has four feet!” “You can kiss this one deep in the mouth, you will not go to jail.” Don’t judge me. My husband has trouble sleeping. I actually have a little bit of trouble going to bed because, I don’t know if you’re like me, but I need to look at TikTok for six to eight hours before I… [high-pitched] Yeah! Oh, it’s my reward. I’m like, “I read a full paragraph of an actual book.” [high-pitched] Brrrrr! I will look at anything. I will Clockwork Orange my eyes open, and I will let it feed me conspiracy theories, ancient alien architecture, a Pomeranian in a raincoat, Taiwanese nail art, pizza-making tutorials, a duck walking across a deck. [imitating duck] I will look at lipless pit bulls, I don’t care. The other day, I watched a thick couple in rural Illinois do a custody exchange in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby… …to a Jason Derulo song. And I double-tapped for part two. I… watched these two thumbs get out of their matching cherry-red F-250, swap kids, and the dad looks at the camera like he’s hosting American Idol and goes, “We’re divorced but we co-parent. How do we do it?” I’m like, “Probably a court order, Zeke.” Double-tap, part three. Then I watched them each get back into their truck next to their new spouse, who, let’s be honest, it’s the middle-of-nowhere America, looked identical to the melted vanilla pudding cup they left in the first place. Real lateral trade if you ask me. And then I double-tap for part four, it was a link to their family Etsy store. I bought a bandanna. Shop small, America. My biggest issue with social media is the commodification of intangible things, right? The commodification of mental health, for example, okay? So, what do I mean by that, America? Well, I mean this. Whatever you’re dealing with, no matter how niche or huge what you’re dealing with is, there is someone who knows exactly what you’re going through. They’ve written papers on your issue and gone to school for it. They are called doctors, and I will tell you what, America, after these last few years, those are the only people from whom I would like to hear. I don’t want your feelings to be facts, I’m not interested in alternative facts. I’m not interested in armchair psychology. I’m not interested in your trauma giving you the qualification to give some sort of medical advice, and don’t be so sure that the person on the other end of that TikTok actually cares about you. Remember, a look is a like, okay? A click is a like is a dollar. This is all being monetized, okay? So just be very careful because you don’t know who’s over there and what their intentions are. I only want to hear from doctors and scientists. I don’t want to hear from couples who think vanilla essential oils cure autism. I don’t want to hear from anyone who’s done their own “research,” personal facts, none of that. Because it finds you. You have to be clear about what you’re looking for, it will find you. You’re looking at those lipless bulldogs, like, “Baby needs a kiss on the mouth.” And they pop on like, “Hey there, just dropping in to remind you, make space for Grace.” You’re like, “Who the fuck is Grace?” Get out of here. There’s always some girl named Cheyenne with a dream-catcher tattoo. Like, “Hey there, just dropping on to remind you you are safe on this page.” No shit I’m safe, I’m taking a dump in my own home. Get out of here! Commodification of feminism is another one. To review, feminism is the idea that people should be treated equally. That’s it. It shouldn’t be politicized. And I understand that it has the prefix “fem,” so it’s like “ugh.” But in our third- and fourth-wave feminism, in an attempt to empower women, we’ve decided the best way to do that, to communicate with the masses, is to talk to women like they are fucking idiots. And we use a specific language. You’ve seen it. You’ve seen it in gift shops, you’ve seen it on thank-you cards, you’ve seen it on empowerment bags. You’ve seen this pejorative, infantilized, I call it “glitter speak.” You’ve seen it, splayed across RBG totes and “Michelle Obama on a unicorn” wine bottles. You’ve seen this language. “Yes, sassy bitch, sassy A-F, work, queen.” “Yes, girl, twerk it, mama. Rosé all day.” “Thiccck with three c’s.” “Workin’ and twerkin’.” “Not an entrepreneur, a she-entrepreneur.” “Not a boss, a boss bitch.” “‘Cause it’s different than a regular boss, like a boy.” “Boss bitch, yes, twerk, queen mama, thick raccoon bitch, do-it-all-day, bubble-gum mama thing.” “Yes, queen, work, bitch.” “Slay all day, mama.” They stole this language from Black gay trans drag queens and made it their own to sell you pencil bags. Who is this language good for? I don’t want to be a boss bitch. I don’t want be a bitch. That’s not nice. I want to be regular boss. You would be horrified if someone used this language in real life. So I don’t understand why we think it’s okay to just write it on everything. You’d be horrified, girls, if you were at work and your male boss went up to your male co-worker and was like, “Tom, good job.” “Keep it up, cowboy style, oorah,” and then… he turned to you and was like, “And to you, she-bitch… keep it up, thiccck-ass glitter queen.” “Yes, mama.” “Workin’ and twerkin’ on the weekend.” “Keep rewriting herstory, not history, right?” “You thick, juicy, empowered slut.” Who wants that? We like the idea of empowering women. In theory, that’s a really nice idea, but in practice we’re still uncomfortable with the idea of a strong woman who makes money. We want to promote the idea, like, “Yes, work, get that money.” But when you do, when a woman is a capitalist, it’s like, “Well, how are you considering other women and the planet and the animals?” “What are you doing to make sure… Have you apologized lately?” “What are you doing to stay humble?” We don’t like it when women are capitalists. We love it when men are unabashed and kicking in dicks. You ever see Realtor billboards outside, like in rural areas? It’s always some jackass in a ten-gallon hat and a gun, just like… [imitating gun cocking] “My name is Dan, and I’m the number-one Realtor on the south side of town.” “I’m Cowboy Dan and I will fuck your wife in your condo and sell it back to you with a 30% markup.” “Let’s do some paperwork.” “Come on, come here!” You never see that! [high-pitched] “Oh, Vigilante Dan! Oh, take all my money!” You never see a woman, like, “My name’s Vicky, and I got a fat vagina and a pistol, and you can ride this vagina to savings!” You never see that. Ever. And it’s easy for me to stand up here and tell you to be empowered and be strong, but we all know, when you’re a woman, the real world is very scary, and you will be dinged, you will be faulted for failing to not be perfect to everyone all the time. And what breaks my heart is that women can’t carry that strength all the time. And it breaks my heart when girls who really have done nothing get attacked. You go online, you see a girl, maybe she’s not the prettiest girl, right? And you know it took a lot for her to post a picture. And there’s always one comment from a private account, ’cause you know he’s brave… This poor girl took everything to post a picture, and it’s something about her weight or her gender or telling her to kill herself. “Why can’t you control yourself, you fat bitch?” Why can’t you control your thumbs, motherfucker, and just say nothing to this stranger? Ask any women in your life, you do not have to be famous for people to say vile things to you. It’s easy, we just say, “Just ignore it,” but you carry it with you. By the way, I don’t think it’s the gentlemen that are here, because if you buy a ticket to see me, you’re very smart. You’re a good guy, you are. And I love you. If you don’t know who I am and your girlfriend dragged you here, I have your money. I’ve got great news for you boys. If you’re ever online and see a girl that you don’t like for whatever reason, you don’t like the shape of her body, the cut of her jib, the size of her tooth, she’s only got the one, whatever, great news for you, boys, you don’t have to fuck her. Isn’t that great? We don’t have that program set up yet. That’s right, you don’t have to fuck her. You don’t have to patronize her business, you don’t have to pay her any mind, you never have to see her again, ’cause you have the power to take your probably very small finger and… [blows] …scroll right on by. That’s all you gotta do. Don’t pay your pain forward. I wish that women could speak to men in real life with the impunity with which you speak to us online. That’s what I wish, I wish there was a federal holiday every day where I could just tee off, no physical repercussions. I could be walking with a girlfriend, and one of you walk by, and I’d be like, “That one, I’m having a bad day.” “I’m gonna go off.” And she’d be like, “Don’t do it, you don’t know him.” “That’s the whole point of this holiday. Hey!” “You, yeah. It’s thinning up here, we can all tell, fuck you.” There is an anger toward women in our world, in our country. You can see it with the current legislation that’s being written. However, I wrote this joke before all this happened. Lucky for me, hating women is evergreen and so these jokes still work. But there is an anger toward women when they don’t give attention, a sexual experience, love, admiration, a conversation to an absolute stranger, and there can be deadly consequences for it. And that’s not her fault, but this is what happens. Now is the portion where I bring it down in order to bring it back up, here we go. That kid that shot up the University of Santa Barbara a couple years ago… I know, it is hard to keep them straight, America, but this one was different, because this kid wrote a whole manifesto about how women don’t pay attention to him and don’t sleep with him and this is what they deserve. That guy that shot up that Asian strip mall in Atlanta, he had a whole interview about how women don’t sleep with him and he’s alone and this is what they deserve. So now this next part, I’m going to be as clear as possible, because this is a Netflix special, so what I say next will be translated into hundreds of languages, and I want to be succinct and I want to be loud and I want to be clear, so here we go. [applause] [cheering] Gentlemen, if you are not having sex, and we’re not talking a dry spell, we’re not talking you’re a little shy, we’re not talking, “Your Aunt Sheila did a number on me, I gotta take a knee.” We’re not talking you swiped right, she had a tail. You didn’t know it till the Awesome Blossom came. We are talking, if you don’t have sex… and the narrative of your life is that you are not having sex because women are bitches, women are whores, you’re a nice guy and you deserve better… that is nature’s way of saying you should not be having sex, for you failed to adapt and evolve and there should be no more of your kind. If you can’t figure it out. And I understand, women cheer for that, most men do. Some men are reserved, I get it. I’m a girl, I’m not one of you. And you don’t know, “I don’t wanna cheer for that.” “Bros before hos, I’m leaving behind my guys.” “I can’t do that.” Yes, leave them! Leave the diseased portion of your herd that is broken. They’re giving you a bad name. We believe you are good. Come with us for snacks and sex and good-looking babies. And, gentlemen, if it still makes you uncomfortable, I get it. It might make you more comfortable to note that I stole that idea from a man named Charles Darwin. You can Wikipedia it, okay? It’s just evolution and adapting. Because here’s the truth, boys, it is so easy to get a girl. This is where I lose the women. You were on my side, “We’re outta here.” It’s so easy to get a girl. By virtue of the fact that there are more women than men on this planet, it means the odds are [British accent] ever in your favor, okay? The fact that women are brainwashed into thinking that we lose value as we get older, that’s not true, but as we get older, our standards aren’t lowered, but they are negotiable. So, you can get in there. And I know, I’m supposed to stand here and be like, “All women are fucking treasures,” and we are. “All women are She-Diva power bitches, that’s right.” “Diamonds in the muff.” “All women are delicate, beautiful flowers…” Some are. And some are total armadillos. And, boys, get you an armadillo. You get you a fully loaded armadilly with a CD changer and everything. Get in there. So many girls are like, “Am I an armadillo?” No. I’m afraid that when I say that, I’m gonna see that back door open and I’m just gonna see a shell and a tail. “I did not drive in all the way from Toledo to be told…” It is so easy to get a girl, gentlemen. All you got to do is show up. Just be good at… something. Women love a man with a purpose, even if it’s a dumb one. “I love model trains.” Like, “I’m there.” A girl… it doesn’t matter. He’s got a passion, it could be anything. You know what? Even fishing, someone will take you. Some woman will be like, “I’ll take him. So, is that a wide-mouth you caught?” “I can look at your Instagram where you’re holding all of them? I can’t wait.” You could be good at anything. You could be smart, that’s always a plus. You could be rich, obviously, good-looking, good at math. You could be nice. Turns out that’s attractive. Like, later in life. I know, men don’t… “I don’t want to be nice, I’m Rambo!” “I’m a badass. I don’t want to be nice.” “Nice guys finish last.” Yes. But at least they finish. You could be good with computers, you could be funny. – You could, honestly… [bottle rattles] You could be an alcoholic. You could be… Some girls like to party. You can be shy, that’s kind of cute. You can be nerdy. Some dorkstress. “I will roll the eight-sided die with thee.” Like, whatever. Honestly, sometimes you could just be tall. Like, for a little while, that’s enough. You could just be tall. All the 5’10” guys are like, “Fuck you, motherfucker, you could be tall.” “Try me alone, come here!” You could just be tall. You see the way girls’ eyes light up? “Tell us about your boyfriend.” [like valley girl] “Coleton, okay, well, he’s tall!” “Coleton, stand in the Zoom ’cause I want my family to see how tall you are, especially my sister, ’cause she’s a bitch, come here.” “Stand in the Zoom. Stand next to me.” [microphone thuds] [mouthing words] “Stop it.” “Put on a fucking towel, stop it.” “I’m not looking at that, stop it!” “Because the whole audience doesn’t realize it’s a dick, stop it!” You can get a girl, boys. Magicians have girlfriends. I’m not even talking like David Blaine, multimillionaire Vegas magician. We’re talking some guy doing sleight of hand at a bar mitzvah. He’s got a girl waiting in his Ultima in the parking lot. “That’s my baby!” In closing, been married for four years. I’m 39 years old. We have a beautiful little girl who just turned six months old. And before we had that beautiful little girl, about a year before, we thought we were going to have a baby and we had a miscarriage. And I don’t tell you that to garner sympathy or make anyone sad or bring the room down, Cleveland. I only tell you I had a miscarriage because I have a microphone, and we don’t talk about these things. [applause] And I’m not embarrassed about it. And maybe if we did talk about these things, maybe if we normalized these discussions, maybe if all discussions about women’s bodies weren’t hidden under a stack of cash, under a Bible, under a federal building, maybe… [cheering] If this happens to you, because it happens to three out of every ten women, it’s not that it would take the sting out of it, but you would know you’re part of a large group. You did nothing wrong. You’re not weird. You’re not bad. You certainly shouldn’t be prosecuted for it. [cheering] And you’ll be okay. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant that first time that I became personally in tune with how often women are asked about children. Prior to that, no one had ever asked me about children because I’m a stand-up comic. “Well, you’ll just die in a clown suit somewhere on a regional flight, won’t you?” But I realize how often people ask women about this, I didn’t get that before. Now, it’s totally normal and innocuous to ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” It’s an okay thing to ask because we’ll call it traditional. Someone had kids, that’s why we’re all in this room. It’s totally traditional for two humans regardless of gender to put their bodies together and then, through means of sex, science, or trade… …acquire smaller humans that they then put in their home and then subsequently put to work. Okay. That’s what’s done. It’s a little less traditional to be like, “We’re in a throuple and this is our tortoise.” But okay. However, you ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” and she says no, if she doesn’t continue that conversation, that’s not her in need of prompting. “Do you want kids?” She has her answer, she was just drawing a boundary. There’s no more information. We have to be okay with that. She has her answer and she’s thought a lot about it, and it’s personal to her, and that answer is somewhere in the realm of, “Yes, we do have kids.” “They’re weird-looking.” “Yes, we want them, we’re working on it, we’re fucking real hard.” “We’re not sure, it’s expensive, something’s wrong with me.” “More likely something wrong with him, we don’t know.” “Unclear, future’s uncertain, come back later,” or, “Fuck no, we love our tortoise.” Whatever the answer is. Whatever the answer, I promise you her answer is never that she forgot and thank God she ran into you at the dry cleaner’s. Because, Cleveland, I think it speaks to the constant conversations about women, rarely to our betterment, often to our detriment, and the misinformation and disinformation about vaginas, okay? Remember, there’s a lot of people making a lot of money off of you feeling bad about what’s normal about you, okay? We don’t have to make this political, we already did, but we can keep this social. We’ll keep it in pop culture, right? We’ll talk about all the things that we hear about this idea that she’s gotta keep it tight, right? “A loose woman”? You gotta keep it tight? Let’s put this to rest. ‘Tis tight! It’s tight. I understand if she’s had several children, it may not be that tight, but chances are, if she’s had several children, a tight vagina ain’t at the top of her priority list, okay? It’s tight enough. Work your pelvic core for your own health. But let’s put it this way, gentlemen. It’s tight enough for you and your five inches of fury, okay? Which is plenty. What’s with making women feel so insecure? How tight do you need it, boys? Are you fucking a dolphin blowhole? You’re fine. All right? You’re gonna have a good time. This idea that it tastes like candy. No candy! No candy for you! It’s a vagina, it’s a body part, okay? At its finest, it might be, what, a little metallic? I don’t fuckin’ know. Why would it taste like candy? What other part of your body are you like, “That is Ripple”? Like, it’s not… Girls are gonna feel bad that it doesn’t taste like candy, and you shouldn’t make it taste like candy, you’re gonna make it sick. That’s a problem. Makes girls feel bad. If he comes up from down there, like, “Green apple Jolly Rancher,” you better call an ambulance. Something went wrong. Then finally, this idea, the stigma, that you have to keep it clean. No! The vagina is self-cleaning. Okay? Leave it alone. Yeah, there’s a small chance you’re sick and you have to see a doctor, but for the most part, it is clean. You know what isn’t clean? Your penis. Yeah. I see you put it anywhere just for funsies, yeah. Don’t be tracking that through my house. Yeah. Okay? It’s clean. You don’t need to do anything to it. It has its own ecosystem, okay? You don’t need to clean it. You don’t need to put a Glade plug-in, okay? You don’t need to steam it, Gwyneth! You don’t need to vacuum it. It’s not the back seat of a Mazda. It’s clean! Okay? The vagina is its own ecosystem. The vagina has its own pH balance. That’s why it has its own smell and its own temperature. Your vagina, Cleveland, is like a rain forest in that it is dangerous, it could kill you, it is damp, and it needs government protection. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. [cheering and applause] [TimaLikesMusic playing “Party Goblin”]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle: What’s in a Name (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-whats-in-a-name-transcript/

What’s in a Name? is a 40-minute talk Chappelle delivered at Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, D.C., on June 20, 2022 * * * Art is dangerous. It is one of the attractions: when it ceases to be dangerous you don’t want it. Duke Ellington Amid the controversy of Dave Chappelle’s Netflix release “The Closer,” Duke Ellington School of the Arts resolved to name its newly renovated theatre “Dave Chappelle Theatre.” The following is Dave’s acceptance speech for that honor… [Dave Chappelle] This… is… surreal. [cheering and applause] In 1987… 1987, I moved back… from Ohio to D.C. And– and– and enrolled in Eastern High School, and did… [audience member] Whoo! You must not have went there when I went there, champ. Those were tough times is the way I remember it. [chuckles] [groans] When I had gone, I– I had lived with my father for three years. I went to middle school in Ohio, and when I’d gotten back to Washington, the crack epidemic was in full swing, and the city was largely unrecognizable to me. Now I was an older kid, and– and– and kids my age were doing a lot of wild things that I– I didn’t know that kids would do. I– I’d never seen a kid with a pager before, I didn’t know anything about selling drugs, any of that shit. All I knew, every day when I went to Eastern, I didn’t feel safe. [groans] I’m a quiet guy, naturally. I’m a shy person, naturally. And I used to get my hair cut on a barbershop on 15th Street Northeast. And I would go there, and, uh… and everyone in the barbershop would just snap on each other. And I’d sit in the corner, and I– and I’d watch everybody, and just listen to all these jokes. The guys were funny as shit, but– but one day, after a few weeks of goin’ there and gettin’ my hair cut, they– they– they turned the jokes on me. I call that day The Barbershop Massacre. I lit everybody in that barbershop up, I had been sittin’ in there listening to ’em for weeks talk about each other, I knew every inside joke about each and every one of ’em, and they couldn’t believe I knew this stuff. I lit their asses up. From then on in the neighborhood, people kind of liked me, like, “Okay… he’s pretty funny.” Time magazine released an article about Bill Cosby. The headline said, “Fifty, Funny, and Filthy Rich,” and I read that article and it was when I was looking at his face, before all that disgrace, that I looked and I said, “I could do that.” I told my father and my father said, “Well, then just do it.” I said, “Well, I wouldn’t even know where to start,” and he said, “Well, look in the phone book.” It’s before the internet, if you’re young. We used to have a book with phone numbers in it. My father found for me the local comedy club in Washington, D.C. I called ’em… I found out when Open Mic night was, and I started to go there on Tuesday nights… and just watch. And then one night I went on a weekend. I would– I would get my money together and I would go to this comedy club and I would just watch these comedians, and sometimes… sometimes they would talk to me. And I told one of the comedians after the show one night, I said, “Man, I really wanna try to do this.” And– and he said, “Well…” He said… He said, “If you wanna be a good comedian, you should know how to act.” I said, “Why?” And he says, you know… He didn’t explain it. I said, “Okay,” and I told my parents, and– and this is how I came to find out about Duke Ellington. My mother, she said, “There’s a place you can go where you can learn to act right in Washington. It’s a– It’s a high school.” I said, “You mean I would… get out of Eastern?” The school year was already in full swing and Ellington has a policy that they don’t let people just come in the middle of the year, but Lynda Gravatt was the head of the theater department at the time. Very graciously took a meeting with me and my mother, and… I get emotional thinking about it. Anybody that went here? [crowd cheers] Remember what it was first like? [audience members] Yes! Yes! When you first walked through the door? It was in the afternoon, and everyone was in their arts classes, and the girls had tutus on, and everyone was weird, and walking around the hallway, like, you weren’t sure where anyone was supposed to be, and you could hear people practicing their horns and shit all through the hallways. There was art bouncing off the walls, the minute I walked through the door, there was a gallery of– of all these children’s work and these pictures were amazing. My first thought… when I walked through that door: “I’m not good enough to be here. I’m sure.” And Miss Gravatt sat me down, she told me about the school, and you remember Miss Gravatt? She was very businesslike. But also very warm. She was intimidating, but palpably kind. She was a paradox of a human being. She gave me a date for an audition. My mother said, “Okay, Dave, it’s on you.” Now… Those of you who know me… know that I didn’t prepare for that audition. That audition was like a– a possession, it was just something that I was proud to have. But as the days got closer, I’m like, “Oh, my God, I gotta get– I gotta get something together.” I didn’t even know how to do an audition, And I had never done it before, so I went and I said– I said, “What do I need?” They said, “A monologue,” I… So I looked up “monologue.” And I went to the library, the MLK Library, this huge library, so I gotta find something, and I found a piece in one of those yellow script books, it was a monologue by Mark Twain called “The Judge’s Spirited Woman.” And I learned it in a night. You know, it was not hard for me to memorize things. The next day, it was a Saturday, I think, and I came to the school, and they auditioned in what used to be this room– the original… theater, Duke Ellington School of the Arts. And all the department heads sat in here, and the light’s in your eyes, and there’s a bunch of kids who already go to the school, who come on Saturday, just to see… who might be coming. And I talked to all these kids before I went in, and these kids were nothing like the kids at Eastern. They were like them, but they were different, they were weird, funny, and self-deprecating, things like this. And I remember I came out on stage… and I did my audition, and it was like… like, terrible. I– I froze up in the beginning, I started, and then I said, “Wait a minute, I’m messing up, I’m gonna start again.” [sighs] And I was nervous, and I was scared, and… and… in the middle of the audition, I’m in the middle of the monologue, uh, one of the teachers, Fred Lee, he said– Fred Lee, he goes, “Okay, that’s enough.” I said, “Well, there’s still a little more,” he goes, “No, no, no, no, no… That is enough,” he said. And I– I can’t tell you, like, I– I was crushed. Uh… without saying his disapproval, I knew it stunk. And I was right. When I walked in here, I knew I wasn’t good enough to go to this school. And I thought to myself, “Ah, fuck this school, that’s stupid anyway.” In first-year theater, there’s a question that they ask students from time to time. And it’s a make-or-break question, and… And we ask this question, you don’t know. And the question is this: They say, “Why do you wanna act?” Now… if you say anything like, “I wanna be a star,” you’re not… You’re not gonna get in. I didn’t know that. And I figured I already blew the audition, so I told them the truth. He said, “Why do you wanna act?” “I don’t.” That’s what I said. And they said, “Well then, why are you here?” I said, “Because I wanna be a comedian and some comedian told me that if I wanna be a good comedian, I need to learn how to act.” And the teachers look at each other and go, “Thank you very much,” and I left. And I was walking down the hallway kicking rocks. It was a kid that already went here, his name was Ako Handy. And Ako said, “Hey, man, I listened to them talking about you.” I said, “You did?” He said, “You’re in.” I said, “What?” He said, “You’re in.” But it didn’t make any sense. Somehow we worked it out so that they gave me an early enrollment, and I left Eastern within weeks of that, and I came to Duke Ellington and it was better than I could have ever imagined. I didn’t have the suspicion that most new kids get. I was an oddity, a new toy, I was quirky, I wasn’t a snappy dresser, I didn’t really know what the fuck was going on, because the crack epidemic itself was new to me and they were all refugees from their neighborhood schools. In the morning, we would have our academic classes, and then in the afternoon, we would have our arts classes. It was a long school day. We’d start at 8:30, we wouldn’t leave here ’til five, sometimes 5:30. Whenever they saw fit. It’s funny walking in here tonight, ’cause I saw the Pride flags up, and I remember when I came here all those years ago, it’s the first time I ever met a kid who was just, like, gay. It was never strange to us. Their sexuality or their gender identity was the least remarkable thing about a person that could dance as well as Roger Bellamy, or… There was no distinction between any of that. Everybody was weird in their own way. And in a very strange way, because we spent so much time with one another. We helped raise… one another. There’s a camaraderie between these students that I don’t know that I’ve seen since I left this school. I can remember, and I won’t say names, there was a student that went here that used to sell drugs. It wasn’t just a student, but this particular guy… This particular guy did the cardinal no-no on the streets. He did what they call “not making your roll,” which meant he got some drugs on consignment and he didn’t pay whoever gave him the drugs back. And whoever gave him those drugs had declared, “I’m gonna come to that school, and I’m gonna kill you,” he said. And my man was scared, and word got around, around school, that the goons was coming. And by the time the goons showed up, every dude that went to this school: gay, straight, whatever the fuck, was all standing out front, they say, “You’ll have to kill all of us.” And who was in front of all of ’em? Roger Bellamy with some leg warmers on like this. I started making friends that are still my friends to this very day. Life-long friends. As I get older, I appreciate my teachers more and more. But to tell you the truth, I appreciated them then. Teacher salaries, you know, not necessarily what it should be. And when I think about that, juxtaposed to the dedication that the teachers, the time they would spend with me, the way they would notice, “Are you okay? Is everything all right? You look sad today.” Any little thing, like a family member would. And they fostered an environment of almost absolute trust, like your parents. There’s two lectures that I got at school that changed the way I do comedy. That like… turned the light switch on. It was two teachers: Donal Leace. Donal Leace, may he rest in peace. Maybe one of the single best educators that I’ve ever met in my life. He had a demeanor about himself that demanded excellence from his students. He would tell us incredible stories that I didn’t believe. He claimed… in one class, the song “Killing Him Softly” was about him. I was like, “Nah, n*gga, not you.” He told me he knew Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack and all these people. These D.C. legends. He’s a humble man, but he really demanded excellence. And he gave us a lecture once on a concept called polarization. Polarization meaning the– the idea that if you can make everybody look at the same thing at the same time, that their rational mind will decrease, and their emotional response will increase. He said, “That’s how audiences work, that’s how mobs work, that’s how you make a person lose themself in the crowd.” I got it. As he was saying this, he would hold a stapler in his hand, it was a good lecture. He said, “Everyone focus on the stapler,” and he would explain to us what polarization is as we’re all looking at this stapler, and then he’d scream, “Hah!” And everyone would jump, “Oh!” He said, “What’re you scared of?” “Oh, shit, that works.” And ever since he did that lecture, I listened in his class intently. He was one of the only guys that I would always get straight As from because I worked very hard, not to get his approval, but to avoid his disapproval. When we were coming up, they had a thing called juries. I don’t know, do they still do juries? Juries is when all the department heads give you a piece to work on, and they sit there, and they make you perform the piece, and the criticism is brutal. And we were kids. We didn’t understand that they were preparing us for a hard world ahead if you wanted a profession in art. They would tear us to shreds. Just the stress… The stress of a jury. And man, I never practiced. ‘Cause I didn’t wanna act. At an improv class, a teacher named Geraldine Gillstrap told me that she should– I should stop doing funny pieces. That I should try to stretch myself artistically. And maybe had more in me than comedy. And at the time, I took offense to that. So because she said that, after school that very night, I went to the comedy club, and for the first time I signed the list, and I waited, and I got on, and I killed it. Killed it. Must have been 35 years ago, night after night, I killed it. I’d show up with the bag of tricks that I learned at school, and I would dominate adults on a regular basis. Couldn’t wait to get out of D.C. When I was 17, I moved to New York and lit that comedy scene up. I was obviously talented. You’ll hear stories about people saying that I discovered Dave Chappelle. That’s like saying you discovered sunshine. I was shining on everybody. And when I got in that professional world, I was oddly prepared. I had a sense of professionalism, I showed up on time, I did the things that I learned in school to do. Just the basics. My… career didn’t have any direction ’cause I was still so young. And that didn’t change for many years. It didn’t change until, uh… my girlfriend at the time, now my wife, told me she was pregnant, and I was like, “You know what? I should really start taking this seriously.” And when she told me that, before the baby was born, I’d done my first HBO special, and then– and then I went to work on a sketch comedy show idea I had, and– and– and The Chappelle Show came out when my son was still maybe 18 months-year old. And I bet on myself. I took less money. I took less money, I remember that, so I could do what I wanted to do. I said, “You don’t have to pay me that much, but you can’t ever tell me… You can’t ever tell me that I can’t do what I wanna do.” And I did the first season, I’ll tell you, for $300,000. Which sounds like a lot of money, but– but– but– but– but… It was a rare experience in my life, because it was the first time that I did something that was so successful that I knew I had exceeded the expectations. I was more successful than I felt like I was supposed to be. They didn’t plan on that. The second season… came out, and it was a juggernaut, and– and– and… and then, I remember this was the single best day of my career, the Rick James episode of Chappelle Show had come out… People were going crazy about the Rick James episode at the same time the– the DVD for Season 1 of Chappelle Show dropped. It was the first time any television show had ever been sold off air. And it sold a million copies in the first day. It was unheard of. To this day, nothing has sold more than Chappelle Show. It’s still on the Top Ten in Netflix. All those great things happened, and my contract was up. Clearly… Clearly, I was about to be rich. I’ll spare you all the details of why it didn’t work out. But it didn’t work out. And I ended up doing something that no one had ever seen before, including myself. Maybe Prince is the only other guy that I’ve seen do this, where you just quit something that was popular when you’re at the very top of it. Lucky for me, when I quit, I went to Africa, so there was a media storm that I didn’t hear. By the time I got back, everyone was just lookin’ at me crazy. That was a very difficult decision to make. The entire world told me I was crazy, but I– I was sure… I was sure I was being true to myself and to something that I learned at Ellington. I’m one of those comedians that thought of himself as an artist. I was enamored by what the genre could do. It was like… the pictures that I could paint with words, and the way I could engage with audiences. I understood as it was happening, I was very lucky to be able to do this. And I protected that. And I knew that if I took the money, they would expect me to behave differently, and I wasn’t willing to accept that, so I quit. And when I quit, it was a very difficult time in my life, that I’ll spare you the details, but man, fuck show business. It was tough. And then one day I was in Panama City, Panama, and I was in a hotel, and I looked at the lobby, there was a– a painting of Abraham Lincoln. Was– And then– I would look closer, it wasn’t a painting, it was all pennies, just pennies on a black canvas, arranged into the face of Abraham Lincoln. And I asked the guy, I said, “How much is that painting worth?” He said, “$600,000, sir.” And I looked at the pennies that made up the painting, and I was like, “That’s like, $300 worth of pennies.” Lightbulb went in my head. I realized the value of art. Some of the biggest wars and crimes and scams in history were financed through the theft of art. Art is a powerful commodity. An artist, if you’re good at it, should never behave as a commodity. It’s a tough one. And then I gave up. ‘Cause it– I said, “Oh– you know, this is probably it.” I accepted the fact that the career I thought I was gonna have was over, but, I started to rediscover just my art for its own sake. I would go to comedy clubs and I’d work for way less money than I ever had, and I enjoyed it more than any of the work I ever did. It was probably the best work I’ll ever do. ‘Cause it was so honest. It was so sincere. There was no media, there was no studio, there was no scrutiny, just me and the crowds. And I did it night after night, and slowly but surely the crowds got bigger and bigger, and then suddenly people started to notice. In post, I would say, “Dave Chappelle has the tour of the year.” And again, and then the year after that, and then the year after that. And then, Lorne Michaels asked me to do Saturday Night Live. And it wasn’t just like he asked me, he was courtin’ me, I didn’t even know it, he gave me this whole long speech, and I was like, “All right.” And then I read some book about Lorne Michaels starting Saturday Night Live, and I read the speech that he gave Richard Pryor when he wanted him to host the show, and I said, “Holy shit, that’s the same shit he said to me!” And I did it. And that was an enormous amount of pressure, it had been 12 years since I’d been on television, or since I’d even talked to the media, and I remember I signed my Netflix contract on my way to my mark for the monologue. If you do live television, they count down every second, “30 seconds…” “Are you sure this contract is good?” “It’s good, just sign the papers…” “22 seconds…” “Aw, nigga, you better not be trickin’ me.” Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, I walked out on that stage, and I killed it. It was natural. It was nothing. It was easy work. Got an Emmy for that one, too. First Emmy I won. And when I walked on the stage after being in the cold for so long, for the first time when I walked on the stage, I’m like, “Damn, n*gga, I just made 60 million dollars.” That’s what I thought to myself. It’s been great ever since. And really I could do these specials like Steph Curry, I be shooting from inside, outside, all night. It’s been great ever since. A lot of my friends are athletes, and I never could understand what it would feel like to only have a limited amount of time to be great. You got 20 years to be the best, or 30 years to be the best, but when you do art, you could be great whenever the will decides that you’re great. And I feel very lucky for that. And I never forgot this school. I’ve always come back, checked in. One of my favorite honors was doing the commencement at Ellington. Listen, I can’t even remember what year it is. I just remember they cheered for me when I came out, I wasn’t a big star, but I was their star, and I felt like I was home. After I did Lorne Michaels, I mean, after I did Saturday Night Live, Lorne Michaels said something that I gotta share with you. He goes, “You went to Peggy Cafritz’s school, didn’t you?” That’s what he said. I said, “I did,” and he said… he said– I wanted to say this on Saturday Night Live. He goes, “Tell her I owe her money.” You know, I never asked to have this theater named after me. Peggy asked me. She was ailing, and I went to her house to visit her. And she said, “I want you to put your name on the school,” she said, “It would help us raise money for the school,” and to me, it was like, I felt like I’m a little young for that, and I’m still kind of using the name, you know what I mean? Let’s see what I do with it first! You never know… Like, imagine if O.J. had named his son O.J. Junior. “Oh, Dad!” And around then, I was receiving the Mark Twain Prize. Huge honor… And… [audience applauds] And the next day, all the artists that came to honor me, the Bradley Coopers and Chris Tuckers, and all these great people who came to Ellington and they taught master classes for the students. And Peggy Cooper Cafritz, as sick as she was, got out of her bed, so she could be with her babies. She never left us. So I did it. So, you know, whatever you wanna do, if I can help, I’ll do it. Now I have to tell you: if you quit a show like Chappelle Show, I don’t know if you know what happens to you professionally, but I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t just say, “Well, good luck in your future endeavors.” With that media, they beat me up. With their power, they tried to make me behave, it’s– -it– it takes a strong person to stand out in the cold like that, and I swear to God, so much of the strength I got to do that, the inner warmth I got to do that, I learned in this school, and from my friends who helped raise me. So why wouldn’t… I’d do anything I could to help my benefactor. And the last time I came back, after The Closer, when the kids were mad at me, I got to tell you, that was quite the day. All the kids was screaming and yelling, I remember, I said to the kids, I go, “Well, okay, well what do you guys think I did wrong?” And a line formed. These kids said everything about gender, and this and that and the other, but they didn’t say anything about art. And this is my biggest gripe with this whole controversy with The Closer: that you cannot report on an artist’s work, and remove artistic nuance from his words. It would be like if you were reading a newspaper and they say, “Man Shot in the Face by a Six-Foot Rabbit Expected to Survive,” you’d be like “Oh, my God,” and they never tell you it’s a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I took a lot of cold shots… in show business. And I gotta tell you, as the years go on, you feel the shots less and less. “Ah, it’s just the business,” is what you say. But that one, that day, boy, that day they hurt me. When I heard those talking points coming out of these children’s faces, that really, sincerely, hurt me. Because I know those kids didn’t come up with those words, I’ve heard those words before. The more you say I can’t say something, the more urgent it is for me to say it. And it has nothing to do with what you’re saying I can’t say. It has everything to do with my right, my freedom… of artistic expression. That is valuable to me. That is not severed from me. It’s worth protecting for me, and it’s worth protecting for everyone else who endeavors in our noble, noble professions. And these kids… And these kids didn’t understand that they were instruments… instruments of oppression. And I didn’t get mad at them. They’re kids. They’re freshmen. They’re not ready yet. They don’t know. What made me mad… and I am this petty… I ain’t sayin’ names. One of the kid’s mother went on Fox News, and she used to be a student here, I remember her face but I don’t know if she was particularly popular. Anyway. She was in the Literary Media Arts department. She said a lot of things that I didn’t like, lot of things. But, you know, that’s her right. The thing she said that got to me, she said, “At Duke Ellington, that theater was a sanctuary for students. I used to sit there and meditate.” Well, of course you’d meditate. You were a Literary Media Arts student. We didn’t meditate in here. We got to work. But, okay, fine. “I would sit in there and meditate,” she said. And then she scrunched her face up. She’s a beautiful woman, but her face looked hideous, the way she scrunched it up, and she said, “And just to imagine… his name… on that theater. How could you do that to those kids?” Listen. No matter what they said about The Closer, it was still the most-watched special in the world. And I am still of the mind, and I say this with all humility, it is a masterpiece, and I challenge all my p– my peers– to make its equal. They cannot. I am sure. It will be decades before you ever see someone in my genre as proficient as me. I am maybe a once-in-a-lifetime talent. I am telling you the truth. About three weeks ago I saw in the newspaper that a man, they said a man that was dressed in women’s clothing, threw a– a pie at the Mona Lisa and tried to deface it. And– and it made me laugh, ’cause I’m like, “It’s like The Closer.” I said it to the kids that day: if you have a better idea, then express it. And you can beat me. It’s that easy. If you have more talent than me, then display it and you can beat me with certainty. This is what our genre is about. The idea that my name will be turned into a– a– a instrument of someone else’s perceived oppression is untenable to me. The fact that if my name was on this theater, and a kid that walked through that door would feel anything other than pride in his school and in their endeavors, that’s untenable to me. So on Friday, I decided… that I don’t want my name on the school. Hear me out. The Ellington family is my family. When this controversy came out, and students were angry, at the height of their anger, they said, “We still wanna name the theater after you.” They taught the kids about the nuance of art and activism. And to– I feel a great deal of success, and it came around. So it’s not that they did not wanna give this to me, they’re still my family. And, I’m not gonna say I don’t want it. I’m gonna say I’ll defer it. Rather than give this theater my name, I would like to give these students my message. To them. So it is with great honor, that I unveil the new name of this theater, the Jerrod Carmichael Theater. I’m just kidding, I’m just kiddin’… I’m just kiddin’. I’m totally joking. Uh, let me see if I can get this here. This theater should be called… The Theater for Artistic Freedom and Expression. I want that for myself, and I want it for every student that’s educated at this school. And when and if you are ever ready, you can put my name right on top of that. I love you, Duke Ellington, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring off his new album Leace Renewed, the first single “Flow to You,” give it up for the best-hitter history teacher in the world, Mr. Leace. [laughter from class] [Mr. Leace and students singing] [students begin clapping] Come on! Here we go. [all clapping] That’s the show! I’ll see you next year! [whispering] Bitches. [all laugh] [announcer] This is protected by the red, the black, and the green at the crossroad with a key! * * * The Judge’s “Spirited Woman” by Mark Twain “I was sitting here,” said the judge, “in this old pulpit, holding court, and we were trying a big, wicked-looking Spanish desperado for killing the husband of a bright, pretty Mexican woman. It was a lazy summer day, and an awfully long one, and the witnesses were tedious. None of us took any interest in the trial except that nervous, uneasy devil of a Mexican woman because you know how they love and how they hate, and this one had loved her husband with all her might, and now she had boiled it all down into hate, and stood here spitting it at that Spaniard with her eyes; and I tell you she would stir me up, too, with a little of her summer lightning, occasionally. Well, I had my coat off and my heels up, lolling and sweating, and smoking one of those cabbage cigars the San Francisco people used to think were good enough for us in those times; and the lawyers they all had their coats off, and were smoking and whittling, and the witnesses the same, and so was the prisoner. Well, the fact is, there warn’t any interest in a murder trial then, because the fellow was always brought in ‘not guilty,’ the jury expecting him to do as much for them some time; and, although the evidence was straight and square against this Spaniard, we knew we could not convict him without seeming to be rather high-handed and sort of reflecting on every gentleman in the community; for there warn’t any carriages and liveries then, and so the only ‘style’ there was, was to keep your private graveyard. But that woman seemed to have her heart set on hanging that Spaniard; and you’d ought to have seen how she would glare on him a minute, and then look up at me in her pleading way, and then turn and for the next five minutes search the jury’s faces, and by and by drop her face in her hands for just a little while as if she was most ready to give up; but out she’d come again directly, and be as live and anxious as ever. But when the jury announced the verdict–Not Guilty–and I told the prisoner he was acquitted and free to go, that woman rose up till she appeared to be as tall and grand as a seventy-four-gun ship, and says she: “‘Judge, do I understand you to say that this man is not guilty that murdered my husband without any cause before my own eyes and my little children’s, and that all has been done to him that ever justice and the law can do?’ “‘The same,’ says I. “And then what do you reckon she did? Why, she turned on that smirking Spanish fool like a wildcat, and out with a ‘navy’ and shot him dead in open court!” “That was spirited, I am willing to admit.” “Wasn’t it, though?” said the judge admiringly. “I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I adjourned court right on the spot, and we put on our coats and went out and took up a collection for her and her cubs, and sent them over the mountains to their friends. Ah, she was a spirited wench!”

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue – SNL (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-monologue-snl-2022-transcript/

Original air date: November 12, 2022 * * * Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle. [Cheers and applause] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. [Laughter] “I denounce anti-Semitism in all its forms.” [Laughter] “And I stand with my friends in the Jewish community.” And that, Kanye… is how you buy yourself some time. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] I got to tell you guys, I probably been doing this 35 years now. And early in my career, I learned that there are two words in the English language that you should never say together in sequence, and those words… are “the” and “Jews.” [Laughter] I’ve never heard someone do good after they said that. [Laughter] Kanye’s gotten into some scrapes before. Normally when he’s in trouble, I pull up immediately. But this time, I was like, “You know what? Let me see what’s going to happen first. I just want to see — just want to see where this is all going.” [Laughter] I can’t even remember how it started. Vaguely I remember it started with a tweet, strange tweet. It was like, “I’m feeling a little sleepy.” [Laughter] “I’m going to get me some rest, but when I wake up, I’m going to go DEFCON 3 on the Jews.” [Laughter] And then he just went to bed. I was up all night worried. What is he gonna do to the Jews? [Laughter] I grew up around Jewish people. I have a lot of Jewish friends, so I’m not freaked out by your culture. I know a little bit about it just from hanging around. Be like, “Yo, yo, let’s go out after school tomorrow.” They’d be like, “We can’t go out. It’s Sha Na Na tomorrow.” I’d be like, “What?” [Laughter] What is Sha Na Na? I had so many questions. Why do some of your people dress like Run-DMC? [Laughter] When Kanye woke up from that nap, he went to work. [Laughter] A year ago, I’d seen him on a podcast called “Drink Champs.” Great show, and it was an amazing appearance. Noreaga and them were there, rappers that I love, and they all had their gold chains and stuff on. And Kanye said, “Only millionaires wear chains.” They said, “What?” He said, “I’m a billionaire. Billionaires don’t wear their money on their body.” I took my chain and I said, “Oh, snap.” [Laughter] That’s right. It was a good appearance. It was fun and funny. But when he woke up, he went on “Drink Champs” again. This time, he was on one, mad about something. He said, “I can say anti-Semitic things, and Adidas can’t drop me. Now what?” Adidas dropped that n*gga immediately. [Laughter] Ironically, Adidas was founded by Nazis, and they were offended. [Laughter] I guess the student surpassed the teacher. [Laughter] It’s a big deal. He had broken show-business rules. It’s just a rule. You know, the rules of perception. If they’re black, then it’s a gang. If they’re Italian, it’s a mob. But if they’re Jewish, it’s a coincidence and you should never speak about it. [Laughter] Kanye got in so much trouble, Kyrie got in trouble. [Laughter] [Applause] Kyrie Irving posted a link to a movie that he had seen on Amazon. No caption on the post or nothing like that. But apparently this movie had some, I don’t know, anti-Semitic tropes or something. It was some weird title like “From Hebrew to Negro” or something. [Laughter] And the NBA told him he should apologize, and he was slow to apologize. And then the list of demands to get back in their good graces got longer and longer. And this — this is where, you know, I draw the line. I know the Jewish people have been through terrible things all over the world, but you can’t blame that on black Americans. You just — You just can’t. Whoo! You know what I mean? Thanks, the one person that said “Whoo.” [Laughter, applause] A fair punishment would be he should just post a link to “Schindler’s List” and y’all write your own captions. [Laughter] Kyrie Irving’s black ass was nowhere near the Holocaust. In fact, he’s not even certain it exists. [Laughter] I saw one news pundit screaming about Kanye. She said, “Mental health is no excuse for that type of language.” Yes, it is, bitch. You would kill somebody if you’re mentally ill. Listen, okay, I don’t think Kanye is crazy at all. I think he’s possibly not well. [Laughter] I’ve been to Hollywood. Don’t want y’all to get mad at me. I’m just telling you. I’ve been to Hollywood. This was just what I saw. It’s a lot of Jews. [Laughter] Like, a lot. [Laughter] But that doesn’t mean anything. You know what I mean? There’s a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri. Doesn’t mean we run the place. [Laughter] [Applause] I can see if you had some kind of issue. You know what I mean? You might go out to Hollywood. And your mind might start connecting some kind of lines, and you could maybe adopt the delusion that the Jews run show business. Not a crazy thing to think. But it’s a crazy thing to say out loud in a climate like this. [Laughter] Now the midterms are over, and it’s a crazy climate. And I got to tell you, I feel like this midterm was like all of humanity depends on it. And it’s an ominous sign. The most ominous sign of the midterms, I believe, would be Herschel Walker, who I — I don’t want to speak badly of because he’s black. But I have to admit… he’s, um… he’s observably stupid. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] Even when he’s not talking, his mouth be open a little bit, like… [Laughter] He’s the kind of guy that looks like he thinks before he makes a move on tic-tac-toe. [Laughter] And watching the news now, they’re declaring the end of the Trump era. Now, okay, I can see how in New York you might believe this is the end of his era. I’m just being honest with you. I live in Ohio amongst the poor whites. [Laughter] A lot of you don’t understand why Trump was so popular. But I get it, ’cause I hear it every day. He’s very loved. And the reason he’s loved is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He’s what I call an honest liar. I’m not joking right now. He’s an honest liar. That first debate — That first debate, I’d never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs. “This whole system is rigged!” he said. And across the stage was a white woman, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama sitting over there looking at him like, “No, it’s not.” I said, “Now, wait a minute, bro. It’s what he said.” And the moderator said, “Well, Mr. Trump, if, in fact, the system is rigged, as you suggest, what would be your evidence?” Remember what he said, bro? He said, “I know the system is rigged… because I use it.” I said, “God damn!” [Laughter] And then he pulled out an Illuminati membership card and chopped a line of cocaine up and did it right at the podium. [Laughter, applause] No one had ever heard someone say something that true. And then Hillary Clinton tried to punch him in the taxes. She said, “This man doesn’t pay his taxes.” He shot right back, “That makes me smart.” [Laughter] And then he said, “If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code, but I know you won’t because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.” And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners, “We’re doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house.” Then he just went right back in the house and started playing the game again. [Laughter] Democrats were sore losers. I’m a Democrat, and I’m telling you, as soon as he won, they started saying all that — “He’s colluding with Russia. He’s colluding with Russia.” It was very embarrassing as a Democrat. But as time went on [Sighs] we all came to learn… he was probably colluding with Russia. [Laughter] I even look at his wife different now. His wife is beautiful, no question about it. But she looks like the kind of chick that James Bond would smash but not trust. [Laughter] [Applause] Why he got all them documents at his house? What is this? This a guy that’s famous for not reading his press briefings. Now all of a sudden he got 10,000 documents at his house, gonna catch up on his reading list. [Laughter] I have been fired from jobs many times in my life, and I will be very honest with you. Sometimes when I was fired, I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. But you know what I never stole from work? Work. [Laughter] [Cheers and applause] War in Ukraine brought it all into focus. And lucky for everybody in the Western world the Ukrainians are way better fighters than we thought they’d be. I mean, these guys… God bless them. They’re doing good. [Cheers and applause] They killed 10,000 Russians the first week of the war. Even the Vietnamese were like, “God damn. Them some good numbers!” [Laughter] This was before they had weapons. Before we started sending them weapons, they was killing Russians with things you can find around the house. That whole country, Ukraine, is littered with traps like Home Alone. They were stepping on rakes and touching hot doorknobs. “Aah!” [Laughter] How is Russia losing to the Ukraine? That would be like America losing a war to Colorado. [Laughter] Now the midterms are over, and everybody’s awake. These new whites, man, they’re like — The whites are like — They’re like — They’re like newborn babies, just woke up. Everything white people mad about, we’ve been on that. “Man, I can’t see my family.” Black people like, “We been on that!” “Man, we can’t trust the government.” We been on that. “Man, we should dismantle the FBI.” Word to Martin Luther King, bro. We’ve been on that. [Cheers and applause] Nobody listens to me. When I tell these jokes, you ignore me. My first Netflix special, what did I say? I said, “I don’t want a sneaker deal, ’cause the minute I say something that makes those people mad, they’re going to take my sneakers away.” And the whole crowd was like, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha.” Now you see Kanye walking around L.A. barefoot with his chain out. [Laughter] This guy lost a billion and a half dollars in a day. A billion and a half dollars in a day. I saw that and I said, “Put your chain on, n*gga. Welcome back.” [Laughter, cheers and applause] It shouldn’t be this scary to talk about anything. It’s making my job incredibly difficult. And to be honest with you, I’m sick of talking to a crowd like this. I love you to death, and I thank you for your support. And I hope they don’t take anything away from me. [Laughter] Whoever they are. [Laughter] We got a great show tonight! [Cheers and applause] Brooklyn’s finest Black Star is in the building! [Microphone thuds] [Cheers and applause] ♪♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Jim Jefferies: High n’ Dry (2023) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-high-n-dry-transcript/

Please welcome to the stage, Jim Jefferies! Hello, Toronto. Alright. Alright, look at this. We’re all out. No more fucking masks! I hated the masks. I’ll tell you who’s gonna miss the masks: chicks with good bodies but shit faces. Haven’t they been getting away with murder the entire pandemic? In Australia, we call them prawns ’cause you keep the body and throw the head away. I just got back from touring Australia, the whole place was flooded. Right? Remember three years ago, the whole place was on fucking fire? Remember that? Just before Covid, all of Australia was on fire and we’re all like, “The world can’t get any worse than this.” People died. People lost their homes. The only thing reported in North America about the fires in Australia was… Koalas. The koalas, yes. You all seemed very concerned about the koalas. If you saw me, you’d say something. “I’m so sorry to hear about your koalas.” And I’m like… Pretty fucking cut up about the whole thing. How did they get all the press? Imagine you’re a fucking wombat and your family’s just burnt to death. Now I like koalas as much as the next man… but if any animal deserves to die, it’s the koala. The koala is the laziest animal on Earth. It sleeps for 22 hours a day. The sloth sleeps for 21. It only eats eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus leaves are its source of food and water. There is a chemical in eucalyptus that reacts the same way to them that THC reacts to us. So they’re stoned all fucking day. Eighty percent of koalas have chlamydia. So they’re stoned with chlamydia. We all have a friend like this. And they’re up in the tree with their family, just sitting there. And the fire’s blazing through the Australian bush. And all the other animals are running and jumping in the opposite direction of the flames. Not the koala. “It’s gettin’ a bit hot.” “It’s probably just your chlamydia, love, go back to sleep.” And then when we have these natural disasters how do we rectify it as a society? We get a young Swedish girl with a twitchy eye to tell us off. Fucking Greta gets up there and she’s like, “I should be in school.” Now, I know, as soon as I mention Greta Thunberg that’s a triggering thing for a lot of women. A lot of women get upset when a man my age mentions Greta Thunberg. In your brain, a little loop’s going on going, “How dare you pick on a 16-year-old girl? Who do you think you are?” You know what? You’re right. That’s wrong. But she’s 19 now and I fucking waited. I waited three long years to talk about this shit. I can say whatever the fuck I want about a 19-year-old. Here’s one for you: I can fuck Greta Thunberg and I’ve done nothing wrong. And I wouldn’t use a condom either. Out of respect for her and the environment. Now, I don’t have a problem with Greta fundamentally. I agree with everything she’s saying. I agree with the science. I just don’t wanna fucking hear it. She’s always picking on my generation. She’s like, “Your generation ruined it for my generation.” Not “my generation”, Greta. You’re thinking of the c*nts before me. The generation before me did fucking nothing. My generation invented the different colored bins. That’s all I can do, Greta. I’m fucking flat out with the different fucking colored bins. The generation before me had one bin and they threw everything into it. They didn’t give a fuck. And it was a small, steel fucking Oscar the Grouch lookin’ fucking bin. And it had a lid that fully detached. ‘Cause that generation was so fucking stupid. They hadn’t thought to put a hinge on the bin. So the lid and the bin could be one unit. Maybe they talked about it in the bin factory. Someone threw out the idea of the hinge, “I reckon we should put on a hinge.” And then one bloke puts up his hand, “Yes, Neville?” And then Neville goes, “But what if the kid wants to use the lid as a shield?” Oh! “You fucking got me there, Neville. Why would I wanna fuck around with childhood magic? No hinge it is!” And then on garbage day… the bin company conveniently put two handles, two steel handles, on the side of the bin. So you have a couple of options on garbage day. You can get the bin by one handle, and drag it along your driveway with fucking sparks flying out of the c*nt and take it out to the curb. Or… you can pick that bin up with the two handles and put the wet garbage up against your body, and you could waddle out to the sidewalk like this. ‘Cause that generation was so fucking stupid… they didn’t think to put man’s first invention on the bottom of the fucking bin. They didn’t see… a heavy object that had to be moved on the regular and thought, “Fuck me, the wheel would nail this one.” They missed plenty of these opportunities. We didn’t have wheels on suitcases in any meaningful way until like the mid-90s. No one had wheels on suitcases. I remember my father being at the airport carrying two bags, another one under his armpit, like, “There’s no better way to do this.” We went to the airport in a fucking car. He saw wheels in motion. He was holding the wheel the entire time, couldn’t fucking piece it together. 1971. 1971 was the first time the patent office got a patent for a suitcase with wheels on it. 1971 was the first time anyone on this planet thought… to put wheels on a suitcase. To put that in context, we went to the moon in the 60s. This means that Neil Armstrong left his house… and he said to his wife, “Next time you see me, I’ll be on the moon.” And he got out to the launchpad, looked at the rocket majestically. “One day, one day they’ll put rockets on bags.” So, let’s tell some stories. This first story involves my fried DJ Qualls. Right. You might know him as the skinny guy from Road Trip or Hustle & Flow, or more importantly, Billy from Legit. Right? So… So DJ… DJ’s gay. Right? I can tell this story. He knows. He’s well-aware. Also… If there are any gay people in the room this evening, welcome. I… Big fan of the gay community. I’ve always been pro-gay. I studied musical theater at university. I grew up in Sydney, one of the gayest cities on Earth. Me and the gays, we’re down. In fact, I’d say I’m an advocate. They have not said that. I like the gays. I like the LGBTQ community. I like em’ all! I like the L, the B, the G, the T, the Q. In equal measures. I don’t even have a favorite! I like em’ all equally. I support them all equally. As individual groups. I do not support them as a collective group. Because they have fucking nothing in common. You have one bloke who’s like, “I like sucking dicks!” Another guy goes, “I wanna cut my dick off! We should be a group!” Which brings us to the trans… people. Uh, look. Hot topic in comedy. A lot of people are talking about it. I’ve worked with trans people for 20 years in this business. I have no issue with trans people. I think it must be a very hard life. You know, if there was a surgery that I could have for me to stop hating myself, I’d fucking take it. So I get it. It’s not an easy choice. Right? And then… I’ve got no problems with trans people, I see all the comedians, there’s Chapelle and Gervais and they told those jokes, and, um… Everyone got upset and there was all this press. And I have no problem with trans people. But I do like press. So here we go! As I said, I like trans people. Do you know why I like trans people? I like anyone who’s got a good story. If we’re at a party and you tell me you cut your dick off, you’ve caught my attention. I’ll sit and chat to you for a while. I feel like you might have some tales to tell. Can I empathize completely with a trans person? I try to, but I can’t, really. Because I’ll never know what it’s like to hate the body I’m living in so… Oh, hang on, I do. I… I’ve never understood this argument. “I hated the body I live in.” That’s like 98% of us. Ninety-eight percent of us get out of the shower and see ourselves in the mirror and go, “Aww…” But I’ve never wanted to cut my dick off and that’s a fundamental difference. I do consider myself a bloke with a six pack and I’d like you to see me that way as well. I like trans people. I often think they shouldn’t stop transitioning. Keep going! Transition more. You ever see a trans person and think to yourself, “They could do with more.” Let me explain. So when a man becomes a woman and I will call you a woman or them, they, her, whatever you wanna be called. I got all day. I’ll call you whatever you want, I regard you as a woman, you’ve made the decision to change, I regard you as a woman. So the surgery, first thing they do is take the hormones, it lowers the bone density, it raises the voice a bit. Then they go get the surgery. So the first thing they do is, they cut the dick off and they put that on a plate. I don’t… for the life of me, I don’t know why people laugh when I say, “You put that on a plate.” What did you want me to do in this scenario? They cut the dick off and they chuck it! Of course there’s a fucking plate! So they cut the dick off, now they have to make a hole. So they get a spoon… at this stage, I should mention that I’m not a doctor. I have no formal medical training to speak of. So I just know this happens. So… They shovel a hole. But that’s just a hole. That’s not realistic. You need flaps. And that’s where the dick meat comes into play. So they… They julienne some dick strips… and they get some 3M double-sided tape. And they put two on this side and one on that side. I don’t know a lot about c*nts, but they’re not symmetrical. So… So then they’ve made it, right? That’s all really… That’s good now, it’s good. So they grow their hair long, make sure they’re clean shaven, right? Then they get the fake tits. Now, here is my problem where they don’t transition enough. They always get perfect tits. Believe me. They always get perfect tits. And that’s not the real female experience. They wanna be a real woman, they gotta get one titty slightly bigger than the other. And a nipple covering one for no reason. You do that, you can play any sport you want, I reckon. Then the next one, so a woman becoming a man. How would they… They would have to… You’d fill that in, wouldn’t you? You’d fill it in? Cement? So they cement that in. Then they have to build a new fresh dick with that new dick smell. Maybe that’s what all the excess dick bits… They build a new dick. A beautiful dick. You’d ask for a good one, wouldn’t ya? You wouldn’t go small. You’d go, “Give me a nice dick.” Then they take the hormones, they always grow a beard. I’d grow a beard too. I understand that completely. They cut off the tits. But they always keep the full head of hair. That is not the real male experience. Whoa! If they wanna be a real man, just one of them. Just one. Shave the horse-shoe shape in, and grow a bit out the side and fuck it, whip it across. ‘Cause they will never know the full pain of male pattern baldness. It’s fucking killer. If you watch my early specials I think I’ve done nine, maybe… You watch them, I get hairier and hairier as I go along. ‘Cause I had a transplant I’ve had fucking… I take a tablet every day for the last 15 years to keep my hair looking this shitty. Hey, every single fucking day I have to take this tablet, if I stop, my hair falls out. Gotta keep taking it. But I have to only take it every four days now. If I take it everyday, my dick doesn’t work. So I have a couple of options in life. Either I have hair and I can’t fuck anyone, or I’m bald and no one wants to fuck me. And people, you mock the bald. You tease them, it’s like the last physical… We can’t knock the fat anymore, or this or that. But it’s the last physical thing people tease about. “Hey baldy.” They don’t give a fuck. My friend, someone polished his head at a party with a tea towel. Right? Fucking terrible shit. It really hurts. Losing your hair as a man is devastating. Devastating. So you can’t joke about it anymore. And you’re thinking I’m a comedian, I should have thicker skin. But no. It’s over. You cannot knock or tease male pattern baldness anymore. And these are your rules, not fucking mine. And I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you why. Because one woman once had her baldness mentioned in jest… and you all lost your fucking shit, didn’t ya? Fuck Jada Pinkett Smith and her bald ass fucking head! I have zero sympathy! I hope it never grows back! She has it easy! A woman losing their hair is easier than a man losing their hair. And I know you don’t think it is, but it fucking is. First of all, sympathy out the fucking wazoo. They get called brave. Sir, did anyone ever call you brave? Not fucking one! Not one! She could’ve worn a wig. She could’ve worn a wig. No one would’ve cared. Men aren’t allowed to cover their baldness up in any fucking way, and if they do, they’re considered a loser by society. If a man has a comb over, as soon as he leaves the room, you’re all making little comments. “You see the fucking c*nt with the comb over?” How dare he. How dare he try to look like he has hair like everyone else. Not allowed to wear a wig. If a man wears a wig and is found out, that’s fucking… There’s no country you can move to. If a man wears a wig, and he’s not found out, his entire life is lived in fear. All day’s he’s like this. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! The weatherman said it wouldn’t be windy!” Yet women are allowed to wear wigs. Women are allowed to wear wigs over full heads of hair, and they’re just having a bit of fun. Wigs for everyone, or wigs for no one! While I’m at it, fake ponytails, hair extensions. If you can’t grow it, you can’t fucking have it! Do you know how disgusting it is that a part of our society with hair who are allowed to wear wigs when the bald is not? That is the equivalent of a woman who can walk getting in a wheelchair… and wheeling herself up to a legless man trying to crawl his way home from the pub… and she just keeps up with him and laughs. So my point is… DJ’s gay, right? So… Now, this is the story of how DJ Qualls came out of the closet. His friends and I knew he was gay, but it wasn’t public. Me and DJ went to see Elton John in concert at his Farewell Tour, right? So we’re sittin’ there… Yeah. I’ll take any cheer I can get. Anyway, so… We went to the concert, we’re sitting there, and Elton’s at the piano and the band leaves the stage and now it’s just Elton, the piano, and a spotlight. Nothing else. And Elton says, “This will be the final song I perform this evening.” Now of course, it wasn’t. He was doing that c*nty thing that musicians do. Like fucking how long as a society are we gonna play their fucking game? Every single concert we go to, “No. Don’t go.” You know they’re coming back. And we always act surprised. “We did it!” I was next to a young fella. Maybe his first concert. He was maybe 15-years-old. Elton said, “This’ll be the final song.” And the kid lost his mind. “No, Elton! No!” And I was like, “Calm the fuck down, mate. He hasn’t sung ‘Rocket Man’ yet.” So we’re there, it’s a three-hour mark and Elton, right? He says, he gives a ten minute speech. A beautiful speech, Farewell Tour. He says, “Thank you so much for following my 50 year career. Thank you so much for buying the albums and hearing the music. Without you listening to the songs, me writing them is inconsequential. And I love you. You’re the greatest fans I could have.” A beautiful speech, right? Very long, but it was a beautiful speech. And I turned to DJ and I went, “I should do that.” And he said, “Do what?” “I should thank the people who come to see me. I never do that. I tell my jokes and I piss off. I don’t do that.” And he goes, “Yeah, but with your fanbase someone would just yell out, ‘Fag!’ Like that.” And as he said that, Elton John had stopped talking. And the word “fag” just sang out. Everyone in the room’s freaking the fuck out. They’re all turning around. Of course they think it’s me. I’m elbowing DJ, “Probably a good time to come out. I’d come out right fucking now.” Elton John looks up from his piano. Stares at us, the room goes silent. Now let’s break down what just happened there. Elton John’s at the three-hour mark of his Farewell Tour and he gave a lovely speech, and someone yelled out “fag.” Who must’ve Elton thought that person was? Did he think it was someone who really hated him and had come to show after show, and was like, “If I don’t say it now, I’ll never say it!” Or did he think it was someone who had just figured it out? Maybe… Maybe someone who’d bought the albums, listened to the music, never seen the outfits. And he’s sitting with his wife like this. “He wears an awful lot of sequins, doesn’t he? “You know what I think? I think he might be a… fag!” So the next day… I’m performing in San Diego, and DJ came along with me to my show. And so he’s, he’s sitting in the wings and I tell the Elton John story that night. I’m on the stage, and I don’t mention DJ’s name because I don’t want them to know it’s him. And then he walked on stage out of nowhere. He came on, and I looked at him, “What the fuck’s he doing?” And he… And he took the microphone from me, and he went, “It was me! I’m gay!” And the whole place erupted. And he just waved goodnight. And then he tweeted about it right away. Tweeted it so he couldn’t take it back. That’s how he came out. Then we went out that night and everyone was so excited for him. People from the show came up, gave him drinks and hugs, took photos. Everyone… It was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. Coming out looks like a lot of fun. Like… Like, I was gettin’ jealous. ‘Cause you know, as a hetero, we’ve got nothin’. You know… Like… I have no bit of information that will really ruin an elderly relative’s Christmas. So I thought about it, what have I got that’s close to coming out? I thought about it and I’ve come up with this. It’s hard to say publicly, but I have to… live my truth. My favorite TV show is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love that shit! I don’t work on Monday nights ’cause I like to follow the live tweets. I’m part of Bachelor Nation! I fuckin’ love that shit. A lot of you might think I’m an idiot for enjoying that. Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m not stupid. I don’t like reality shows. I don’t watch Selling Sunset, or Below Deck, or any of that fuckin’ shit. I like game shows. And The Bachelor is a game show, where the prize is a person. It’s a lot of people who just want to get famous. And we force two of them to get married. It’s fuckin’ belter. If you’ve never seen it, I’ll walk you through The Bachelorette. It’s a 28-year-old girl. She lives in a house you never really see. She’s in this house over here. And there’s a mansion that literally has 30 guys in it that are all fighting for her attention, right? She comes over and visits occasionally. Oh! There’s a petition, going around the internet, for a gay bachelor. No! The Bachelor is a heterosexual show for heterosexual people, and it will remain that way, thank you very much. I’m not being homophobic. It just wouldn’t logistically work. Say you got a gay bachelor, his name’s Darren. Darren lives in a house over here. Then there’s a mansion over here… with 30 guys. You’re getting ahead of me, Toronto, don’t do that. And the producers come over to meet Darren. They go, “We’ve got a great group of guys. They’re very excited to meet you.” “I’m excited to meet them.” And then Darren walks over there. With all of his hopes and wishes and dreams inside this house. And he gets to the doorknob, and takes a breath… and then he opens the door and they’re all fuckin’ each other. And the producers, they know this isn’t good for the show. So they roll up a newspaper and start wackin’ ’em. “Get out of it! Stop fuckin’ each other!” They get a spray bottle. They get on of ’em and rub their nose in their cum. “Bad gay! Bad gay!” So no gay Bachelor. Let’s do The Bachelorette. The bachelorette will be a 28-year-old girl, she’s known she’ll be the bachelorette for, like, four months. She does what most women do before marriage. She’s working out every day. She’s eating well. If she does eat something naughty, she vomits it back up. This is a comedy show, so if there are any bulimic women in the room, don’t think it goes unnoticed. Us boys appreciate that you’re keeping it tight. You’re doing what the fat girls aren’t willing to do. So… She’s at the front of this mansion, She’s all bulimic, ripped and bulimic, sexy… She’s had her hair and makeup done professionally She’s in a $10,000 dress that the show has given her. This woman is in her prime. She will never look better than she does at this exact moment. What a good time to fall in love, eh? I can’t see any disappointment in the future. So she stands at the front of the house, then 30 limos, one by one, will drive up, and 30 different men will come out of their car. They’ll walk up, they’ll introduce themselves, then they’ll say some line they pre-rehearsed they think will sweep her off her feet. This line will be some innocuous bit of rubbish that fuckin’ means nothing. Now… They show up in the car, good lookin’ guys, wearing a beautiful, tailored suit. Right? But because they’re in their 20’s, the leg’s up to here. It’s very important to that generation that we see their ankles. You look like c*nts. Anyways… So the limousines show up, and out steps this guy, right? He’ll be handsome, wrinkly forehead handsome. And he’ll walk up to her, he’ll be… “Hi, my name’s Kevin. I believe… that a woman’s heart should be protected.” What the fuck does this mean? But she will think this is amazing. She’ll just be like, “I also believe that a woman’s heart needs protecting.” “Well maybe we should talk about that inside.” And then he walks off, and she loses her shit. She goes to the presenter, “Oh, my God, it’s Kevin. Kevin’s the one.” She doesn’t know fuckin’ jack shit about Kevin. Kevin arrived in a car he doesn’t own, in a suit he’s been given walking into a mansion he’s never fucking been in. Kevin could be unemployed, living with his mom in Regina. He doesn’t know fuckin’ Kevin. Now on the show you need to get a rose, alright? And if you’re one of the guys… I don’t watch the Canadian version. I live in America, they give roses. I assume with you guys it’s, “I really like you, here’s a beaver pelt.” In the USA they give a rose, right? If you’re one of these guys going, “I won’t get a rose this week, she doesn’t like me,” What you do, you tell her a sob story, alright? Cause she can’t fuck you off that week. Can’t get rid of you that week. She’s a bitch if she kicks you off that week. So a sob story will buy you about a week. Now… it’s amazing how they just weave them into conversations out of nowhere. And ’cause they’re in their 20’s, some of these sob stories are as weak as balls. And it always happens… They’ll be playing touch football, the girl comes by, they say, “Hey, Katie, how are you?” And one guy will stand back… and he’ll wait ’til he makes eye contact. She’ll come up, and she’ll be like, “What’s wrong?” “Oh, no. No, no. It’s… It’s nothing, it’s nothing. It’s just that… we’re having such a good time today, I just wish that… my grandmother was here to see it.” And you’re like, “You’re 28, mate, you’re grandmother’s meant to be dead, c*nt.” There was a guy last season, he was raising a four-year-old boy, right? ‘Cause his wife had died two years earlier. That’s roses all day! I… I… I got married in Covid. I… I would’ve waited a little longer but, I said to my wife, “I’m worried that Covid’s going to end, we must get married now.” She said, “Why?” ‘Cause my wife’s British, I’m Australian. We live in Los Angeles, right? I said, “Covid will end, we have to get married.” She’s like, “Why?” I go, “‘Cause if we wait ’til after Covid, I have to fly c*nts in from all over the world. See people I don’t want to fuckin’ know.” So we went to Vegas, just did it, and rang everyone up, “It wasn’t the same without you. Damn you, Covid!” It was the fuckin’ best, man. I love my wife, I’m lovin’ being married. I’m loving it. I know. I believe… I believe in the term, “Happy wife, happy life.” These are words to live by. There’s never been a truer sentence in the English language than “Happy wife, happy life.” If your wife is happy, you’ll be happy, the kids will be happy, everyone will be happy. It does surprise me, however, that there’s no saying that goes the other way. If my wife had a saying, it would be, “Happy husband, we’ll see about that.” Or, “Happy husband, what’s he been up to?” So… We get married in Vegas, and then my wife gets pregnant on the wedding night. Probably mine. So she gets pregnant, it wasn’t expected. We have a little boy now. Um… Thanks. I’m not fuckin’ having another one. I’m not doing it. I’m actually having a vasectomy on Monday. I had to time it after this. I’m having one on Monday. My wife doesn’t want me to get one. But I said, “My body, my choice.” Do it! I see why you guys like throwing that out. That seems like a fun sentence, “My body, my choice.” I told my dad a couple weeks ago, I said, “Dad, I’m getting a vasectomy.” He’s 81 years old. I said, “Dad, I’m getting a vasectomy.” He said, “Don’t do it.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “Because most women, not all women, but most women they like to see the cum.” And I said, “Dad, when you have a vasectomy, you still ejaculate, it just doesn’t work anymore.” And he went, “Oh, get one, then.” That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen anyone change their opinion on fucking anything. He’s 81 years old, and all that time he thought blokes with vasectomies were shooting dust out of their dicks. So the wife gets pregnant, right? Now, we had a baby shower. We had a little boy, we had a baby shower. Before I tell this, I have to mention, my wife is British, very posh accent, sounds like Mary Poppins, my wife, right? She’s British, but visually… she’s, um… she’s Indian. I feel like I said that weird, didn’t I? Said that a bit weird. How do I fix that? British talky talky, Indian looky looky. Alright, nailed it. Anyway… So my wife’s Indian, she’s walking around the baby shower holding her stomach, going, “I hope he’s brown. I want a brown baby. Not a stupid White baby.” Now, I wasn’t offended. But imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine if I was walking around the baby shower with my friends… and I pointed at my wife’s stomach, and went, “I hope he’s White. I want a White baby, not a stupid brown baby.” Anyway, so the baby’s born. This thing’s white as fuck, man. It’s so fuckin’ white. This is whiter than the kid I had with the blonde Canadian woman. I don’t know what happened. I was at the c*nt-end of the birth, and I saw the baby crowning, I was like, “She’s not gonna be happy about this!” My mother-in-law… So at this stage they take baby out, my mother-in-law has it. My wife’s being stitched up. She’s being stitched up. Could have done more. Anyway, so… She’s being stitched up, the reason I’m telling you this, she’s in no mood to make a joke, she’s not joking when she says this next thing, she’s not joking. This baby that came out of the woman looks just like me. It has thin hair and one eyebrow. My mother-in-law’s there, she holds the baby next to my head, and she goes, “Oh, my God. He looks exactly the same as Jim.” And my wife said, “So you don’t think he’ll be good looking?” You can’t argue with a woman when her c*nt’s being stitched up. You just can’t! So I just stand there and take it like this. “Maybe he’ll grow up to be one of those people who pays for everything.” So my wife… I’d never seen her hornier than the last trimester of her pregnancy. Don’t know if it happens to others, something to do with hormones. She wanted to fuck non-stop in the last trimester. So we go to the obstetrician. And the obstetrician says to us, my wife’s asking the doctor, and the doctor’s talking about medicine things. She’s like, “And the baby will turn around, expect this to happen, your ankles will do this,” she’s telling her all these things, and my wife’s so single-minded, she’s like, “But can we still have sex? Are we still allowed to have sex?” And the doctor’s like, “Of course! We encourage it. It’s healthy to have sex during the pregnancy.” And I went, “Uh… I don’t know. Feels like it might hurt the baby.” That wasn’t the real reason I didn’t want to have sex. The real reason was… I thought she looked weird. Now, I know that’s not a nice thing to say, but I can’t… The dick wants what the dick wants. The dick didn’t want. I told him he should want, but he’s in charge, man. He didn’t want. I love my wife. I’m very attracted to my wife. But when she was really pregnant, she was like… She’s five foot two, she’s under a hundred pounds. She gained no weight. All she gained was a big fuckin’ pot belly. She looked like fuckin’ ET, man. So, I had this fuckin’ horny ET, just following me around the house, like, “Are we going to fuck today? Are we going to fuck today?” I’m like, “Oh, my God, no!” It’s… Over the course of my career, I’ve told a lot of jokes, a lot of sex jokes. Lot of sex jokes. Normally they’re about cocaine, one-night stands, threesomes, prostitutes, things like that. I’m sorry, you’ll not hear that this evening. Because, I’m a happily married father of two, I’m 45 years old, and it’s just not my life anymore. But I still want to do some sex jokes for you. But these sex jokes are for all the people in the room who are just like me. And they have to fuck the same person every day. When you fuck the same person every day, you get good at it. You get good or you get efficient. You know each other’s buttons, and how to get them out of the room quickly. Now I should mention something about myself. Um… I haven’t had a drink in 18 months. Right, I don’t… I don’t drink anymore. I think if you’ve watched my career, you’ve seen that I’ve had struggles. I did some of my specials completely drunk, there were some specials where I blacked out afterwards, and I don’t remember the special. I just… I had a problem. I had years that I was good, I had a handle on it, then I didn’t, then it got away from me. It’s been a struggle for many years. So I want to talk to you about something important. I know a lot of you won’t like me talking about it. I had… something… come into my life which I’ve always rejected. And this change has given me… Weed! How fucking good is weed? I had no idea! It was a drug I never did. I was doing cocaine, and all… pills and all that shit. I never used weed. I thought, “I might get…” It’s the fucking best! I never want to drink again, man! I don’t want to drink. I much prefer being high. I don’t drink anymore. I’m high and dry, baby! High and dry! I fucking… I get stoned, I take an edible, every fucking day. I’m a fucking koala, man! So every day… I drop my kid at school, and I take an edible. And I play Call of Duty for about five hours. Alright, play Call of Duty, and my wife will come in, I’ll be there, stoned, playing Call of Duty, and she’ll come in, sit next to me, and she’ll go, “Do you wanna fuck?” And I’ll be like, “Uh… Team Deathmatch.” And then she’ll look up at me. I can’t say no to her. So I’m like this… Now get out of here, you! And she’s happy with that. That helps her move on with her day. My wife hasn’t watched me do standup for over a year because we have a kid and she’s… Look, life is busy. She hasn’t come to my shows in a year. And I said to her before this special, I said, “Uh… There’s a couple of jokes about you.” And she was like, “Don’t tell me, don’t tell me.” She says, “I want to watch them on Netflix with you.” So… right now… if you’re watching this on Netflix, know that I’m next to my wife like this. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you settle in to four positions. You start out with more, but as the relationship gets on, you settle down to your core four. The four positions you always use. You both know your core four, but you’ve never talked to each other about the core four. Right now you’re thinking about your core four. And in the car ride home, you’ll talk about your core four. We’re all doing two of the same. Her on top, him on top. These are classics! They’re not going anywhere! Then the other two are variables for your relationship. And they are… the one that helps her cum, and the one that helps him cum. Your finishing positions. I won’t tell you my wife’s finishing position, because I respect her privacy. But I will tell you mine. I used to finish in doggie when I was a younger man, but as I’ve gotten older, I now finish in what’s called “lazy doggie.” Lazy doggie is where you lay in the spoon position, grab one tit, and you rut around. It’s a fucking solid position. It’s a good position! ‘Cause you feel like you’re being active, but you still get a pillow. My wife loves me so much, that if she finishes in her position, she’ll just get off the cock, and she’ll lay in lazy doggie, and she’ll look at me and go, “Go on, then.” And I’ll be like, “Thanks, love. I shan’t be long” Every now and again, you venture out of the core four. You’ll throw in an old position you used to do. There’s one position all couples do four or five times a year. And every time, you go, “This is dumb.” That’s reverse cowgirl. Now in case you don’t know, that’s when the girl’s on top, turned around. So the ass is facing you and she just… But she bends over, so it’s not good, because the dick goes this way, and the c*nt goes that way. And they’re fighting against each other. Unless you have a big dick, and I don’t, right? It’ll come out every sixth thrust or so, and you have to thumb it back in. Hello, mate. Good to see you. Back you go. Didn’t think I’d see you again so soon. Back in. There’s another thing you only do early in a relationship, and then you fuck it off. Sixty-nine. Sixty-nine is a new relationship activity. And then you fucking never do it again. Three months it gets, 69. You do it in the beginning to act like you’re free with your body. But then it’s stupid. Too much geometry involved. I’m six foot tall, so I need a woman who’s five-five for the perfect 69. Any taller, I’m finger-banging behind my head, and licking her navel. Any shorter, my neck’s up like this, and I feel like I’m in the front row at the movies. That’s why you gotta give it up for the gays. Must be wonderful. You just see each other. Same height? 69. ‘Cause those people stick together like LEGO. Another problem with 69 is, no one’s doing their best work. I can’t lick your c*nt to the best of my ability if you’re sucking my dick to the best of yours, and vice versa. I can’t tell you… how many times I’ve been in 69, and I’ve thought to myself… “I haven’t done anything for minutes. Should probably get back to it.” And then because I’m doing such a good job, she’s lost all focus! She has a cock in her mouth with zero fucking passion! You have to knee her in the head, “Fucking get back to it!” You ever do the 69, where the woman’s laying on her back, and the man gets on top? This is so horrendous looking, that you can’t search for it in Pornhub. No one in the world has ever searched… I’ve tried! They’ve never searched for this! No one wants to see it! You always get into that position by accident. It’s never your intention. Me and the wife got into it by accident, right? So I’d… gone down her, right? Y’know… my turn. We don’t keep a tally, but… I’m two up. Anyway, so… I go down on her, she finishes, right? I fucking go, I’m off to the bathroom. Her heads at the end of the bed, she was lying that way, and as I’m walking by, she grabs my cock and she goes to put it in her mouth and I’m like, “Hello!” I should mention at this stage, my in-laws will be watching this. I… I don’t know what to tell ya. Anyway, so… So, she starts sucking my cock and I’m like “Good on you! Well done, you!” And we go through the whole show, the whole song and dance. We all do it. She puts it in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out, and I slap it on her tongue, and… and she acts like that’s something she enjoys. She’s like this, “Ah!” And I’m like… “You’re having a good time.” So… she’s sucking on my dick, and her head’s at the end of the bed and I don’t know why I did this, but I thought “What I’ll do is whip my leg around here… like that!” And as soon as I did it, I knew I’d made an error. The ballsack was covering her nose, and and… and the breathing became very labored. And not just her nose, they’d come over her eyes, giving her fly’s eyes. And I was like, “This can’t be good. I have to relieve a bit of the pressure.” So, I put one knee up onto the mattress. But all that did was shift the balls off the eyes, onto the bridge of the nose so… she still can’t breathe but now she has a very clear view of my gaping, hemorrhoidal asshole. And I’m like… “That can’t be fun.” So, I put the other knee up. Then I’m up. And then I fell forward, and started licking from above, and acted like that was what I meant to do! Now, boys… if you ever find yourself in a situation where a woman asks for a 69 where she’s on the bottom and you’re on the top, make sure you get yourself some rock-solid consent. Get a video of her saying what she expects, what she wants. Make her hold the newspaper for that day. Maybe a contract, get a notary. There’s not enough. Because, girls, once we get started in this position, there’s no turning back. Unless your safe word is… you’re butt-fuck outta luck! If you do it on a soft, inner-spring mattress, she stands a chance! You do it on memory foam, you’ll fucking kill a bitch! That’s what it’s like to be married. Now… I wanna finish on this routine. I have… traveled the world with this job, this job has been such a blessing in my life. I just, I have been… I have been everywhere. Anywhere where they speak English, I’ve gotten up somewhere and told a few dick jokes. It’s fantastic. I’ll tell you what, I’ve seen all different cultures, different societies and I know who the biggest c*nts on Earth are. The biggest c*nts on Earth are the Swedes. Swedish people are the worst people on Earth. If there’s any Swedish people in the room know that you’re not welcome here. Do you know Sweden was the last place in the free world to give up on Eugenics? Right up until 1974, they were sterilizing people against their will if they were disabled or had a degenerative disease. So if you had cerebral palsy, muscular distrophy, you’re a dwarf, they sterilized you. That’s 1974. That’s recent history. But if you go there, you can’t argue with the results. Fuck me, they’re good looking! Like they’re so fucking good looking, man. They’re so good looking, it’s like they’re killing the ugly people. Now, I’m not saying they’re walking around killing people, that’s ridiculous. I’m saying they’re doing it from birth. So, there’ll be, like, a woman giving birth, there’ll be, like, a doctor, and then there’ll be, like, an official guy in the corner. And the doctor pulls the baby out and goes… “No.” Right? Then they throw the baby in the corner with all the other ugly, dead babies. He didn’t have a plate this time. Right? And the woman, they’re such a rational breed of people, I don’t think the woman would even be upset. I think she’d just be like this, “Was it ugly, was it? Thank you for catching it so early.” Urban legend has it… that one of the ugly dead babies survived. It wasn’t hit hard enough, and it was thrown into the corner. And then the other ugly dead babies kept on piling up on top of it. And it lived under there. Feeding… off the rotting flesh. Until, eventually, it was strong enough to crawl away on its own. “Be free, Greta. Be free.” Thank you very much! I appreciate it! You’re awesome!

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Tom Papa: What A Day! (2022) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-what-a-day-transcript/

Premiered on December 13, 2022 Ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for Tom Papa! Thank you very much. Look at you. Look at you, still alive. Good job. I’m proud of you. Oh, thank you so much for that. This is so nice to be here. We’re gonna have a good time, I hope. They say these are very exciting times. They are. Some people say scary times. I disagree. I think these are very exciting times. When they’re changing all the rules, we can do anything we want now. I say, let’s kidnap some billionaires. Why not? We got a lot of problems. Five guys have all the money. Let’s go get them. Who’s gonna stop us? I’m all for you being a billionaire. Good job. You worked hard, you changed the world. You get to be a billionaire for 24 hours. You don’t start giving that money away to poor people by morning, we’re coming to get you. Could you imagine a billion dollars? I don’t even dream like that, do you? One person, a billion dollars. No, I used to be bothered by big dreams and high expectations. Not anymore. This is it, guys. This is it. We’re already doing it. You did it. Good job. This is it. Really. For me, a good day is any day I don’t have to retrieve a username and password. Oh. Oh. What a great day. Nothing worse on the planet, when you’re about to have some fun and you’re cock-blocked by the username and password. There’s nothing worse. I mean, I know there’s wars going on, and things are on fire, but for us, for us… there’s nothing worse. It’s not like in the olden times and fairy tales and storybooks, when you need a magical password, go on an adventure, you get something amazing for it. You need the password to get in the gate, go into the dark forest, and become friends with a talking crow, fight a demon with a willow stick, and you get the password. And the doors open up, and a unicorn gives you a ride to a magical wizard who gives you gold coins and sexual favors. We don’t get any of that after pouring our heart and souls into our devices for three straight hours, giving away all our family secrets, our mom’s maiden name, and who she had sex with in high school… and then we play that “squarey” game like we’re in nursery school. Is there a stoplight in the square? Is there a dump truck in the square? Was that my dead grandma in the square? They send a bunch of codes to other emails you don’t have the password for, either. Then finally you get the password. Do we get sexual favors from wizards? No. What do we get? What do we get? We get to order on the Pizza Hut app. Yay. Yay. If only I had the courage to call someone on the phone three hours ago… and place this order. But I’m scared of people now. I don’t know what that 16-year-old manager at Pizza Hut is gonna ask me, but it’s gonna be scary. No way around it. We’re all being changed, dragged into the metaverse, turned into robots as we speak. Remember you before these devices as a different person? You get a glimpse of it when you go out into the world without your phone. You ever do that, leave your phone behind? By mistake, of course. You wouldn’t do it intentionally. But just go out about the day without your phone? Oh! What a great day. Once you get past the crying and the dry heaving and… tugging on strangers’ pant legs, asking for help. Once you get through all of that, it’s a magical day. You just walk around with your own thoughts, just thinking about stuff. Wow, this must be what Benjamin Franklin felt like… just walking around, thinking about kites and candies and syphilis. There’s no getting around it. The world is too easy with it. Could you imagine traveling without your phone? Leaving tomorrow, going to the airport, getting on a plane and leaving for three days without your phone? Terrifying idea. How did you even get to the airport? That’s a good question. How did you get to the airport? Is Uber responding to smoke signals now? What happens once you’re at the airport and they change your flight or gate? How are you gonna know? You’re not. You’re not gonna know. You’re just gonna wander the halls of the airport until you die. You’re going to die at the airport on the floor outside of a Hudson News… that’s filled with things that could save you if only you had Apple Pay. That’d be a good ending to the story. Or would it? What happens if you die, and you go up to Heaven, and they’re like, “We weren’t gonna let you in, but you did your best.” “You get in. Welcome to Heaven. Congratulations.” “What’s your username and password?” I don’t have it, I don’t have it. Remember two years ago, when they told us we couldn’t see our families? Remember that? Yeah. Don’t do it. Don’t go home. You’re gonna kill your family with your face. No. No holidays for you, not this year. You stay home. You’re gonna kill your mom with your breath. Two years, no family. Oh, my God. Those were the good old days. We all had the same excuse, we all had the same excuse. I would love to come home, but they won’t let me. I’m gonna have to spend Thanksgiving with my friends and have fun this year. Oh, man. Families are a blessing. It is a blessing if you have your family, but it doesn’t make ’em any less annoying. I just saw my parents. Oh, my God. They’re getting goofy. My father bought my mother one of those weapons-grade jackhammer massage guns. Have you seen these things? These new torture devices they’re just selling to old people to try on each other? No background check, no licensing, no training of any kind. My father just aimed it at my mother’s shoulder and hit the trigger. Wasn’t good. Wasn’t good. It just gathered up her skin like pancake batter. She couldn’t get away. He couldn’t turn it off. She looked like a Shar Pei stuck in a car wash. Yeah, it got the knot out. It also got her collarbone out and her shoulder blade. And all her insides are on the outside now. I love them to death. I do. But what are we doing with our old people? We should be protecting our old people. Why are we telling our old people they can do more things the older they get? That’s not how it works. You don’t add things to your bucket list after 70. Anything you don’t do by 70, you don’t have to do. My mother watches TV, she gets these ideas, seeing all these active old people, she comes back, “Your father and I are gonna start to travel.” “Your dad and I are gonna hit the road.” “Time to start traveling.” No. You’re scared of stairs. This isn’t the time to backpack through Europe. Your ankles are made of Popsicle sticks. It takes Dad three tries to get up the ramp at Starbucks, just gaining momentum till he eventually bursts through the door and forgets where he is. Starts cursing out the barista because his car’s not ready. “You don’t know. Your father and I like activities.” “We rent the tandem bike.” “We go to the hotel. We rent a tandem bike.” Don’t. A tandem bike after 70 should be called a double suicide. Two people who don’t get along and don’t know where they’re going, turning in opposite directions, should not be on a tandem bike. You should be in a wagon. You should be in a wagon, and we’ll tug you around, you can feed the ducks. We’ll have you home by 4:00, in time for your programs. And then they get angry. They get angry if I try and help them, and give them advice, and protect them, they get all defensive. “Don’t tell us what to do. We’re your parents. We made you.” All right. Thank you for inventing me. That was very nice. But things have changed. Things have changed. My brain’s still intact. I didn’t put sponges in the toaster this morning. I’m looking forward to the time when my kids help me out. I have two teenage daughters. They help me out now. I’m grateful for the assistance. I don’t do things right a lot. They don’t have to know it’s because I’m drunk and high. But I am confused sometimes. “Dad, should the stove still be on?” “No.” “No, I made dinner an hour ago.” “That pot’s going to have to soak for a while.” “Fill it with bubbles. We’ll deal with it on Wednesday.” “Dad, that was a stop sign.” “Good thing we’re speeding.” “Hold my weed. I’m gonna make a U-turn.” “Don’t tell your mom.” They could be nicer about it, though. Nothing meaner than a teenage girl when she comes after you. Nothing meaner on the planet, ’cause they’re smart, they’re cunning, and they just laser on your weaknesses. It’s very unsettling. My daughter came into the kitchen she said, “Dad, we’re trying to watch a movie in the other room, and we can hear you breathing.” “Okay, I’ll just stop that.” “I’ll just stop breathing and living here, and living all together. How about that?” And she just high-fived her sister and went back to watching The Avengers. My other daughter, 16, was just staring me down at breakfast. Very scary. She hasn’t made eye contact with me since she was six. “I don’t like the way you chew your granola.” “Why you chewing your granola like that?” What the hell does that even mean? It’s granola. It’s big and it’s crunchy. I have to make it smaller. Or it’s gonna rip apart my trachea. How do you eat your granola? You just swallow it whole, like a snake? Devil child? This is the same daughter, by the way, who without my permission or my knowledge, during the Troubles, went out and adopted a rescue pug. A pug! Did all the paperwork herself and just showed up with a pug. If you don’t know what a pug is, they advertise it as a dog. It is not. It has a fat, round, hairy, turkey-like body, four spindly legs that look like it couldn’t support that fat body. Dogs have paws. Pugs have long, lady fingers with fancy press on nails. Some have four, some have three, some two. Like a chicken foot. And the face of an arthritic 80-year-old man. Eyes that look like it belongs on a different animal altogether. It looks like God was making it, ran out of pug eyes and said, “Let’s give it cow eyes. See how that goes.” It doesn’t go. This poor guy’s got these two bulbous things hanging out of his skull. The lids can’t even get up and over the ball. He hasn’t had his eyes shut in the time I’ve had him. He just struggles and snores 24 hours a day. “Is he asleep right now? We’re on a walk.” Fun fact. Fun fact. If a pug falls in the pool, it sinks immediately. Turns out if your head’s made of a concrete block, you’re gonna face plant in the deep end. Still snoring, still snoring. Bubbles coming up on either side. I don’t think he even knows he’s in the pool. Think he thinks he wandered into a weird part of the yard and his glaucoma’s flaring up. Best part about him, his name is Frank. Which is hilarious, because any time you yell at him, it’s like you’re in a movie with Sinatra. “Come on, Frank. Why are you acting that way?” “You’ve changed, Frank. You’ve changed.” Like I said, he’s a purebred… A purebred rescue dog. He was found on the mean streets of Downey, California. If you don’t know where Downey is, it’s like here, but a little more stabby. Why was Frank just wandering the mean streets of Downey, California? There’s either something wrong with him, or he’s wanted by the law. There’s something wrong with Frank. Something very wrong with Frank. Frank pees everywhere he goes, inside or out, wherever the hell he wants, Frank pees. I found this out because I got a blacklight on Amazon. Yes. Well, I never caught him in the act. I’d always see him walking down the hall with his fancy lady feet and a suspicious look in his fat eye. I never caught him, but I got that blacklight, and I went through my house. He has devastated my home. Ruined it. My office in particular, wrecked it. First I didn’t say anything. I was like, “What if it’s me?” After careful analysis, it’s Frank. It’s very low. So what do you do? I got angry at first. “How do I handle this?” Maybe leave the back door open and see if he wants to go for a swim? Then I checked myself. “No, let’s get him checked out.” Maybe there’s something really wrong with Frank, like a bladder problem. I don’t know what goes on inside pugs other than prizes. Maybe there is a urinary tract infection. I took him in, he’s a healthy son of a pug. Everything checks out. There’s nothing wrong with his urinary tract. No infections. What’s wrong, according to the vet, in medical terms, is Frank is an asshole. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s gonna continue doing it while he’s looking me right in the face. So I went back to Amazon, where all our answers lie, and they make diapers for pugs. They make diapers for pugs. You can get ’em on Amazon. I know it’s pathetic. It doesn’t even look like a diaper. Looks like those Velcro back braces the UPS guy wears his last year on the job. Just kind of hanging off his ass. Doesn’t look like it does much, but his sciatica is really bothering him. We don’t call them diapers out of respect for Sinatra. We call them pants. “Come on, Frank. We got company over. Put on some pants, will you?” “For crying out loud.” I’ll admit it felt weird putting pants on a dog. Didn’t feel right, didn’t feel natural. But then I thought about what dogs have done in our short years. When I was a child, a dog was a dog. It lived outside in the yard, tied to a tree. If you went somewhere, the dog waited for your return. It could be an hour, a day, a year. The dog waited for you to come home. You’d never say to your father, “Can we bring the dog on vacation?” They would have tied you to the other tree. And look what they’ve accomplished now, these dogs, I see them everywhere. I see them checking into hotels by themselves. I see them in fancy restaurants, drinking martinis, boarding flights to Hawaii. Well, I don’t know how you did it, dogs, but you did it. You’re part of the human world. You did it. Congratulations. Now that you’re here, take your tongue out of your ass and take a look around. And you’ll notice we’re all wearing pants, ’cause we know what our junk looks like and it should be covered up. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a pug’s penis, sir. You look like you’ve seen some shit in your day. Maybe you did some time. I don’t know how you live. If you haven’t seen it, Google it after the show. All of you, Google it after the show. Private browser, private browser. Wait till you see it. It’s weird, it’s misshapen, it’s covered in weird, multicolored horse hairs. It follows you around the room when you walk by. It looks like something the devil would tickle you with. Put on some pants. But, as disgusting as pugs are, and they are, we’re worse. Human beings are worse. I thought we were gonna be better after all we went through. I thought we’d be more germ conscious, a little more mannerly. Nope! Just as disgusting as before. We are. We’re horrible. Coughing’s back. Coughing’s back. Walking through the airport, all these people acting like sea lions. No one covers their mouths. Spraying whole rows of people. I saw a guy on the plane clipping his nails. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Why? Why is a nail clipper in your pocket in the first place? What’s in your other pocket? Used dental floss and toilet paper? What’s wrong with you? They’re back to spitting everywhere, those big man-spits right on the sidewalk where you’re walking. Those big, disgusting, from the small intestine, windup spits. It was six inches from going out the other way. And this guy says, “No, I’m bringing it up top.” “People are gonna wanna see this.” And it just lands on the sidewalk like an alien afterbirth. It’s got eyes and a heartbeat and feelings. Skitters into the sewer and replicates itself. And that’s where COVID came from. I’m not really kidding. That’s where it came from. All these examples are things that men do. Men do these things. I never saw a woman blow her nose in the air without a tissue in all my days. These are things that men do. And I know we’re trying to figure it out. Was it a bat? Was it a kangaroo? Was it a lab? I don’t know. I know one thing’s for sure. Men were involved. You know. You know, you know some guy dared another guy to do something weird to a bat for $10. And they went out to an alley next to a lab, and a bunch of other guys got in a circle and cheered him on. And now we’re gonna be wearing masks to the end of time. We can’t help it. Men. We’re horrible. Men are horrible. We’re horrible. We’re disgusting. Every guy in here pees in his own yard. Pees in his… Right? Yes, yes, yes. “No, Tom, not my guy.” Yeah, your guy. I guarantee it, when you’re not looking, behind the lounge chair, behind the grill. In the grill, if it’s on. Yeah, because that’s a fun noise. Think about it, any inconvenience you have out in the world is because men were there before, did something horrible and they had to change the rules. Why can’t you just walk into a bathroom at a gas station? Why do they have to give a key attached to a chain attached to a truck tire? And we have to drag it around the building like an Egyptian slave. Why? Because men were in there. Horrible men doing horrible things. Playing in the toilet like a bird bath. Putting their penis in the hand dryer. Yes. You think when the Dyson came out, that’s not what they were doing? That’s what they’re doing. I know, the lady’s room is no treat either. That’s not because of anything you do in there. That’s ’cause men sneak in there when you’re not looking and use your hand dryer too. But, as disgusting as we are, and no man will dispute that fact, we’re good for you. Men are good for you. We make you stronger. Yes, we’re immunity boosters. You think this whole thing was bad? It would’ve been twice as bad if men weren’t fiddling their nuts and grabbing every door handle in town. So you’re welcome. The other thing that men have, and I don’t understand why women don’t have it, this seems backwards to me, is this incredible amount of self-esteem and self-confidence built on absolutely nothing. As awful as we are, every guy also thinks everyone wants him all the time. A guy will pee in his backyard, walk out the front door and think, “She wants me.” And yet women are the most magical, beautiful creatures on this planet, just gliding around the globe like cotton candy goddesses, just filled with life and love and beauty and self-doubt. “Do I look fat? Do I look old? I hate my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my ass.” And meanwhile, you’re walking around with a pet orangutan. Who doesn’t even look in the mirror. The epitome of male vanity is in the summer. In the summer, in any town, you will see a man, an 80-year-old man, walking down the street in a tank top, or worse, no shirt at all. Just strutting down the sidewalk like an expired rotisserie chicken. No muscle mass left, just two bony chicken wings. Licorice nipples swaying in the wind. Gold chains tangled in his spooky cobweb body hair. With the nerve to hit on young women. God, I don’t know how you women let us climb all over you. I really don’t. I would be a lesbian for sure. Both of my daughters are straight. I’m like, “Focus, we have time.” “You don’t have to do this.” I am not a lesbian. I am a straight, married man. I’ve been married now to the same woman for 22 years. Thank you. You don’t know what I’m going through. No, she’s great, of course. 22 years. She’s the best. I love her to death. I’m not gonna be up here attacking marriage. I believe in marriage, really do. It’s a hard life to get through. If you find someone else, partner up through it all, it’s good. It can make your life a lot better. If you find the right person, and lower your expectations of what you’re gonna get out of it, you’ll be very happily married. I don’t mean to demean it when I say lower your expectations. I think that’s why people get divorced. Too high of an expectation of what they’re gonna get out of this one relationship. It’s not that much. Don’t put so much pressure on it. Keep your eyes open going into it. Don’t be dumb about it. Gotta be smart. I have a friend that’s thinking about getting married. He’s so dumb. The way he’s talking, he’s a moron. He’s been with the girl for five years, the things he talks about, “She’s nice, you know, her family’s pretty cool.” “She’s smart, but I don’t know if she’s hot enough.” “Don’t know, we’re talking about getting married. She hot enough?” Are you high? Hot enough?! You’re talking about getting married for the rest of your life. You don’t care about hot, you don’t marry hot. You marry strong. You don’t want a supermodel. You want someone who can pick up the other end of the couch. Without taking the cigarette out of her mouth. That’s who you marry. No. It’s a good thing. If you’re married, and in here tonight, it’s a great night for you. You’re having a great time. There’s no pressure on you at all. You’re married. You don’t even care if your partner’s having fun right now. That’s not why you’re here. Let’s let someone else talk for an hour. It’s easy. If you’re dating, if you’re in here right now on a date, this is a difficult night for you. This is a lot of work. You actually care how this goes tonight. You want them to be happy. It’s a lot of pressure. This is why… this is the thing that bothers me about dating. If you do get in a fight on the way home tonight, maybe off of something I’m about to say, if you get in a fight tonight, the whole relationship could be over tonight. Tonight. You could end it tonight. Because you have that option. And that’s a horrible option to have. Because if you do leave, oh my God, you gotta get your laptop, and all your chargers. Get a new haircut, buy some cool clothes, go back out into the world. Lie to everybody all over again about how great you are. My wife and I could get in the same exact fight tonight, and we’re not breaking up. We are not leaving, because we don’t have that option. We could get in the worst fight in the world, we are not leaving. I’m not leaving. I get in a fight, I don’t leave. I go to the pantry. I go to the pantry and I get a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies. And I eat them one by one as I’m staring at my reflection in the toaster oven. Until I feel so disgusting that I forgive her, for whatever it is she said, because I know she’s probably right because she’s married to a monster person who just ate 24 Samoas standing up. I don’t need cool clothes, I don’t have to get a new haircut. Get a haircut when she says, “get a haircut.” And I get clothes when she gets clothes… reminds me I need clothes. That’s how married couples end up looking alike. “Be right back, going to get sneakers.” “Wait a minute.” “I need sneakers, too.” “You do? You wanna come?” “Yeah, I wanna come.” “Let’s go. Sneaker day!” And we go to Footlocker and we sit in the married section. And they bring out sneakers that aren’t made for any athletic event whatsoever. No, they’re big and they’re white and they got Velcro. They’re good for standing while we wait for each other. “You want socks, too?” “You read my mind.” “Socks, shorts, and sneakers. Don’t bag ’em up. We’re gonna wear ’em out.” Do we look good? No. We don’t look good. That wasn’t the point. The point was to make each other unfuckable to the rest of the world. We don’t need some single pervert looking at your cool shoes and making a move on you. That’ll ruin the good thing we got going. “What about the sex, Tom? What about the sex?” Everyone asks, “One person for the rest of your life?” “What about the sex?” Grow up. Dumbass sex. You mean the cause of every dumb decision you’ve made? That sex? Sex is fun, but it’s a ride. It’s a ride. The first time I went on Space Mountain, sure, it was exciting. I didn’t know it was gonna do that. Whee! Hey! I’ve been riding Space Mountain now for 22 years. I know how it goes. It’s fun, but you end up confused, nauseous, and in need of a nap. I was staying in New York recently, and the people in the hotel room next to me were having sex. Very loud, very rhythmic, very joyful. And it kept going, 15, 20 minutes. I was like, “I guess the pandemic’s over.” Have fun in there. Didn’t stop. Kept going. Twenty-five, 30 minutes. Nonstop. No break. Thirty straight minutes. I called my wife, I was like, “I owe you an apology.” Didn’t stop there. 35, 40 minutes. 40 minutes nonstop action. We’ve never hit 40 minutes… 40 minutes straight? No, you could add in dinner. We haven’t hit 40 minutes. I wouldn’t want to. 40 minutes? Get off me. I got stuff to do. Where’s my phone? At an hour, I just put in earplugs and cried myself to sleep. I don’t wanna know these people even exist out there. Woke up the next morning, 7:00 in the morning, still heard it, Still heard it, 7:00 in the morning! I go, wait a minute. This isn’t people. This is porn. This is porn. I was so relieved. But then I got angry, who’s in there at the ass-end of a pandemic, spraying all over like Frank? A man. A disgusting man. Awful. Look, I’m not gonna judge you, or where you’re at in your relationship. Single or married? I don’t know. These are things are complicated, they’re difficult to navigate. It’s tricky, you hook up with somebody you don’t know, you’re gonna go the distance? That’s gonna change. You’re gonna change. You’ll both get weird hobbies, start doing weird things. You’re gonna look weird. It’s gonna change. You’re gonna find out things about your spouse you didn’t see coming. I just found out my wife doesn’t like when I read. She doesn’t like when I read! Anything! A book, a magazine, a cereal box. If my wife sees me reading, she doesn’t think, “He needs some quiet time.” No, she thinks, “He’s bored. Let me tell him a story about my sister at work.” “He’s reading a book. He must be really bored.” “Let me tell him about my mom’s new lease agreement on her apartment.” Ugh. The other time she likes to talk is late at night. Late at night when I get into bed, put my head on the pillow, and turn out the lights. That’s when she likes to talk about cancer, child abductions, and the end of days. Whatever bad news she gathered up during the day, she’s gonna sprinkle on my side of the bed. Until she unloads and starts to snore. As soon as she turns out the light, “I spoke to your mom on the phone today.” “She sounded so old. I wonder how much more time we have with her.” “Have you pet the cat recently? He’s got a tumor on his neck.” “Carol’s cat grew a tumor. It’s so big, it looks like he’s wearing a hat.” “Did I mention I spoke to your mom on the phone today?” “Who’s older, your mother or your father?” “One of ’em’s not making it to Christmas, I can feel it.” “I can’t believe our daughters are going away to college soon.” “It’s terrible to think they’ll be out in the world with all those horrible men.” “Probably no more horrible than what they’re doing in their rooms on their phones right now, though.” “Carol’s daughters have been taking pictures of their vaginas, putting ’em on the internet.” “Do you think that’s what our daughters are doing right now?” “Twenty feet from our bed, on our family plan?” “I spoke to your mom. I spoke to your mom on the…” And I stare at the ceiling for six straight hours just waiting for the sun to come up so I can get some coffee, and get away from this devil woman I sleep with. Shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed anymore. Not all the time. Once in a while it’s fun. But, you know look, I hope you find love in life. I really do. I hope you’re as lucky as I have been. It doesn’t mean a life sentence of having to be in the same bed with your partner for the rest of your life. Oh my God. Look, I tell her, “Look, someone’s leaving tonight.” “Someone’s getting the pillow, kicking the other one and leaving in the middle of the night in a rage.” Why not do that at 10:00, with a peck on the cheek? “Love you. Mwah. See you in the morning. Mwah” She won’t do it. She’s hanging on to the young version of us. And of course, starting out, you should be in the same bed. You have to be! You’re young, sexual, you’re in love. Make love three times a night. You end up asleep in a pretzel twist, foot in your face, hanging upside down. And you do sleep well that way. That’s the thing. You actually sleep a solid eight hours that way. And you wake up in the morning so refreshed and in love. You look at each other, “Let’s do it again.” “Let’s have morning sex,” you say. We don’t say that where I live. No, we’re too busy in the morning pointing at each other and blaming each other for who ruined the sleep last night. “It was you. There’s something wrong with you.” “Oh, no. You need a doctor.” “There’s something inside of you and it’s trying to get out.” And the reality is it’s probably both of us because we’re over 40. And if you’re over 40, you have a 50% chance of getting a good night’s sleep tonight. Fifty percent. Just you, alone. Fifty percent chance you’ll get a good night’s sleep. ‘Cause you’re dying. You’re slowly dying. Your body’s trying to choke you out and technology’s keeping you alive. Fifty percent chance you’ll get a good night’s sleep. And not ’cause you did something crazy, not ’cause you went on a cocaine bender. No, someone had a cookie after 6:00. “Donna had cheese at the party. Oh, no!” “She’s not going to breathe right for a week.” “Bob had three beers. Three beers. Welcome to the Fart Palace.” “Buckle up. No one’s sleeping tonight.” My wife has a lot going on. She grinds her teeth in her sleep. She’s so angry she’s grinding her own teeth down to nubs. Rather than find out the cause of that, they don’t do that. Instead they just give her an NFL issued mouthpiece and just shove that in her mouth like a chew toy from Petco. She goes through three or four a month like an angry beaver. I wake up with bits of plastic all over my face. And it’s blue and it glows in the dark. Yeah, that’s how I know if we’re fooling around at night. If I see a blue floaty thing coming across the room… Not happening. Not tonight. She just put on her equipment. Put on her headgear and her mouthguard and her eucalyptus ointments, climbs into bed with her unshaved legs like a koala bear. Like an angry koala bear trying out for the Packers. And she gets up to pee like six, seven times a night. I didn’t know a woman could have a swollen prostate, but she does. And when she walks, her ankle pops. You can hear it! Pop, pop, pop, pop. You don’t hear it during the day when there’s leaf blowers and garbage trucks. You don’t hear it at all. Three o’clock in the morning, loudest sound you’ll ever hear. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Trying to breathe through the mouthpiece… Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. It’s like Darth Vader’s trapped in bubble wrap in my bedroom. And that’s why you should get married, too. It’s weird being a human being, isn’t it? This is weird, what you’re going through. I know, ’cause I’m one, too. It’s weird. The reason we’re here, to connect with people. It’s our whole thing, connect with people. Befriend people, date people, marry people, make new people. But everybody that you fall in love with, connect with, you have more to worry about. Every love is a worry. It’s a weird way to live. That’s why everyone’s on drugs. First time I took my daughter into a doctor’s appointment when she was a baby, Her first doctor’s appointment I realized, “I’m never gonna sleep again.” I never loved something so much and felt so vulnerable at the same time. It’s a weird way to live. Everything was cool, but terrifying. Doctor’s like, “Everything’s great, everything’s good.” “Okay, good.” “One thing.” “Oh, shit. What is it?” Start sweating immediately. “Not a big deal, but her head is in the fifth percentile.” “What does that mean?” “It means that 95% of the heads out there are bigger than her head.” “What?” “Yes. Only 5% of the population have a head as small as your daughter.” “You don’t see them, ’cause they’re scurrying in the dark from alleyway to alleyway.” “What?” “Not a big deal. We’ll just check every six months.” “Okay.” I got her home, I took her to the playroom, started blowing in her mouth. “Come on, grow.” Panicked for two years. There’s nothing to worry. Everyone’s head grows. You never walk through the mall, see someone with a ping pong head walking down the hall, with a bottle cap for a hat. “Hello.” No, everyone’s head is fine. But you shouldn’t stop loving because of the fear. You can’t. The more love, the less you actually are frightened. You keep doing it. All the closest people in your life, you don’t know what they’re up to. Everyone’s got their own secrets, lives. You’re not responsible for them. Even the people you make! Even your children! My daughter came home from college, first year of college, I was like, “You’re an adult now. Welcome home.” “Would you like some wine with dinner? You’re a grown-up now. Welcome.” “How about some wine?” “No, thanks, Dad. I don’t drink.” “Oh.” “I don’t like alcohol.” “Oh. What a good dad I am.” She said, “I only smoke weed.” “Oh? How long you been doing that?” “Since I was a freshman in high school,” she said! “Oh?” “Where?” “In my room,” she said. Four years, straight A student. High as a kite, in my house. She loved the weed. Here’s the problem. I love the weed more. And for four years I didn’t smoke it because I wanted to be a good example for the children. For four years, I ate nothing but handfuls of melatonin gummies to get some kind of buzz and eventually fall asleep. She was doing bong hits right down the hall. My real goal, what I’ve learned having these kids is make good people. There’s a lot of bad people, there’s a lot of good people. We can’t change the bad people, apparently, but maybe we could outnumber them by making more good people. Should be easy. It’s not like bad people are making great kids. No, they make shitty kids. You see them out there, knocking things over in restaurants, falling down wells. I don’t know why we even scoop ’em out. Who’s falling down a well? Not a good kid. They’re gonna fall again. Seems like it should be easy to change bad people, doesn’t it? Should be easy. Your life will be better if you just turn it down a notch, and try and get along with the rest of us. I know you don’t care about anyone else, but your life will be better, and less stressed if you just turn it down a notch. We’re not even asking you to do anything extra. Just do less of what you’re doing now. Start small. Start small. Don’t put testicles on the back of your pickup truck. Why are you doing that? What is wrong with you? And why are you doing that? I have a minivan filled with children and old people. We don’t need you teabagging us on the freeway. Not easy to be good, you gotta work at it. You’re good people, I can tell. People at my shows are always nice people. But you gotta work at it. You all drive cars, so I know you’re an asshole once in a while. Everyone’s merging, a nice beautiful day. You even surprise yourself. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, “Not today, you old bag. You’re not getting in front of me. No!” “I feel you’re looking at me. I’m not gonna look back.” “Not today, raisin face. Not today.” Where the hell did that come from? Got to work at it. Be nice to people in customer service. Be nice to people in customer service. You think they want to wait on you? These people waiting… No, you’re not the queen because you walked into a restaurant. They don’t want to wait on you. They just… It’s their job. They just wanna make money, pay their rent, and buy some cocaine on the way home. And from a former busboy, be nice to the busboys, those people will lick your rolls. Be nice to people in customer service on the phone. You think these kids in India want these jobs? Helping us? No, they just want their families to survive. Can you imagine them telling their friends they got these jobs? “I got a job today.” “Good for you! What are you doing?” “I’m gonna help Americans fix their computers over the phone.” “Oh, no!” “You don’t even have a computer.” “I know.” “You hardly speak English.” “I know.” “They’re gonna kill you.” “I start tomorrow.” I’m supporting babies who cry on airplanes. Yeah. I’m team baby now. I’m always next to some businessman who’s always complaining. “Who’s gonna shut that damn kid up?” No, wait a minute. You shut up. You’re a man. You’re a man with hairy arms and a wallet. You chose to be on this flight. That baby doesn’t wanna be here. No baby wants to be at 30,000 feet with their skeleton collapsing like a Poland Spring bottle. Sitting at ass level with all you middle-aged gas bags, crop dusting them on the way to your seat. No, that kid’s in a bad spot right now. He should be crying on the airplane. We all should be crying on the airplane. He’s the only honest one on the goddamn plane. And let me be clear. I’m not even a fan of babies. I’m not. I made two and I still don’t like ’em. I don’t trust anyone who’s heart you can see beating out of the top of their head. Useless dinner roll feet, can’t stand for years. No, I don’t like them. But if a kid’s crying, they’re in a bad spot. They’re at church, restaurant or on a plane. You know, let ’em cry. You took ’em out too early. Why you gotta take them everywhere? They’re babies. Leave ’em at home. That’s a happy baby. At home, 72 degrees, naked, Cheerios stuck to their torso. Eating out of the cat dish. That’s a happy baby. You gotta go out, putting a big pink bow on her bald head so everyone stops calling her a boy. She looks like a boy. She’s not done yet. She looks like a man. She looks like a middle-aged man working at the docks. Give her a year, let her fill in, then take her for a ride. Now you wanna complain to me about toddlers who have their own seats in business class? I’ll listen to you. Because that should be illegal. I travel a lot, that’s tough to take, my friends, when I don’t get the upgrade, and I’m jammed in coach between two sumo wrestlers in track suits eating pretzels like a praying mantis for six hours. And the toddler standing naked in my seat, drinking a mimosa and giving me the finger through the curtain. Tough to take. Look, I understand why we get angry at babies, hearing them cry on a plane. Because you’re scared. That businessman’s scared. We’re all scared. It’s scary up there. Scary. It’s scary. We’re not far from the children that we were. You get scared, hear a cry for help, and get more unnerved. That was the nice thing about being home for two years, you feel safe at home. Gives you this illusion that you’ve got control over the universe. Which, of course, we don’t. But at least there you know where the toilet paper is, where all the spoons go. Then as soon as you travel, it’s uncertainty. I’ve had a great time with you tonight. This was a wonderful experience. I love all of you, but it was hell getting here. Soon as you get to security, you’re like a third grader being yelled at by the principal. As soon as you leave your house, Security’s holding up your bag. “Whose bag is this?” “Ah, shit. My bag.” “Is there water in here?” “Maybe.” “You’re a moron.” “No, I can do things.” Then you get to the hotel, more uncertainty, right? How does the key work? How does the elevator work? How’s the remote control? How’s the thermostat work? Whose curly hair is this? How do you turn on the lamp? How do you turn on the damn lamp? Why are there so many lamps? You can never find the switch on the lamp. Is it on the base? Is it on the stem? Is it a chain? Where’s the switch? You put it on the wire, under the table? You heartless sons of bitches. I’m just a strange man in a strange town trying to survive. This is the easiest travel you could have, by the way. This is alone with a wheelie bag. Then you travel with your family. Oh. That’s hell on Earth. A family vacation? Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Look, a family is a bad organization. It barely works at home. Why would you take it on the road? And I’m always so stupid. I always think, when we get to the resort, then I’ll have fun. Travel will be hell, of course, but when we get to the resort, I’ll have my time. No, you moron. Now you’re in this weird reality show with obstacles being thrown at you you couldn’t even dream of. They come running out of nowhere. “Your wife was just stung in the vagina by a jellyfish, go!” “Your mother-in-law is trying out her Spanish on the busboy and saying slightly racist comments, go!” Lo siento, lo siento. “Your youngest child broke out in hives in the middle of the night.” “There’s not a hospital for hours. What do you do?” What do I do? I’m gonna get a dirty Benadryl out of the bottom of my backpack, take the hair off it, give it to her, put her back in bed and hope she wakes up in the morning. I’m not a doctor. I’m a drunk dad on vacation. And news flash, the kids don’t wanna be there either. No kid wants to be trapped in a hotel room with their half-naked parents. The only two people who can get them in trouble. Your whole childhood is spent getting away from your parents. Hiding in tree houses, piles of leaves, sleeping over at your friend’s house. My friends and I used to play in a drain pipe. A drain pipe that took all the human waste from the town and dumped it in the lake. Yes, that’s where we played, in the town shit pipe. And we loved it because we knew our parents would never look for us in the shit pipe. “Tom’s been gone awhile. Do you think he’s in the pipe?” “No.” It’s scary in the shit pipe. It was! There were ghosts and that clown from It. It was scary in there. But I would much rather be in the pipe than sitting in a hotel room at the end of the bed waiting for my father to come out of the bathroom for an hour and a half. “What are those noises?” “Sounded like a bear rummaging through a dumpster filled with balloons.” He’d come out an hour later. “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.” “But I have to go in there. There’s nowhere else to go.” Walking through a toxic haze. “Why does it smell like an antique pet shop in here?” Standing in your socks in water. “What did he do?” That’s childhood, isn’t it? Being stuck in your socks, in some place you didn’t ask to go. It’s tough being a kid, isn’t it? It’s like a hostage situation. Eighteen years being dragged around by these two kidnappers. No money, no identification. 18 years. No decision is your own. “Get in the car.” “Where’re we going?” “I said get in the car.” Thank you so much for coming. You guys were tremendous. Thank you so much. Sincerely, thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. Take care of yourselves and I’ll see you next time around. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chelsea Handler: Evolution (2020) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chelsea-handler-evolution-transcript/

Join me in welcoming the author of six number one “New York Times” bestselling books, the star of “Chelsea”, “Chelsea Does”, “Chelsea Lately” and “Hello, Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.” Please put your hands together for Chelsea Handler. Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this beautiful train station. Built in 1889 for immigrants. Remember when that was cool? I decided to wear white tonight, ’cause I’m expecting my period. Before we get started… Hi, ladies. Hi, everybody. So nice to be out! I wanna make a serious announcement… to my husband, if he happens to be sitting in this audience tonight. My future husband, sorry. I wanna dedicate this show to him. But there seems to be a misconception, and I get this a lot from white men. Here’s a Black man and a white man together. Perfect! Let’s talk to you together. There seems to be a misconception that I only date Black men. So I wanna use this opportunity to make a PSA for white men who are scared of women who have dated Black guys. Beavers retract. They don’t just stay open. They go back to simpler times. I went through a difficult time about three or four years ago, whenever the last election was. I couldn’t believe that we elected that fucking baboon! And when you live in Los Angeles, as I do, when you’re going through a difficult time and you have high levels of rage or outrage or anger, however you want to frame it, people wanna talk to you. And they wanna use words like “manifest”… and “gratitude”… and “kale”. And I’m not into shit like that. I’m all for spiritual people, or spirituality, I should say. Spirituality is fine with me as a component of your lifestyle. Sure, go for it. My problem with spiritual people is that spiritual people can sometimes be giant fucking assholes. I feel spiritual when I’m on mushrooms. I’m not into rocks and stones and chakras or walking into Whole Foods, hearing phrases like “artisanal deodorant”… or “micro panic attack”. It’s like, fuck you! That’s a micro panic attack. Los Angeles is a tricky place if you’re going through a vulnerable time. And if you’re not careful, you could end up at one of those silent retreats in the woods of Topanga Canyon, finger blasting yourself all weekend long. That’s what happened to me. I had a girlfriend who came to visit me from high school, from Nueva Jersey. That’s Spanish for “New Jersey”. De nada. Any other questions about Spanish? And she was hanging out with me for a couple of days, and after hanging out with her, I said, yeah, I would be willing to go to a silent retreat. And we went. And it was exactly what I had imagined. It was in the woods of Topanga Canyon. And we get there and there’s just girls everywhere and Lululemon everywhere. Leggings and deep stretching for no reason. A lot of room-temperature water. That annoys me. As if water could get any more boring, let’s heat that shit up and hand it out. And there were three veterinarians alone in a circle. I’m like, that’s suspicious to me. I don’t like to see vets out of office. And not running in packs, either. I have a problem with vets. I respect what they’re trying to do. The intention’s nice. You wanna work with animals, great. They’re just too vague. All of their answers are too vague. I’ve had too many rescue dogs, I’ve had seven or eight, and I’ve brought them in every single time to find out how old they are. And no matter what vet I’m seeing, the answer is the same. “They’re somewhere between the ages of 4 and 12”. What kind of answear is that? What kind of margin of error… Are you a doctor or not? We know that kangaroos were alive on the island of Australia 25 million years ago because of a half of a tooth. And you can’t tell me how old this fuckin’ chow chow is? Honestly, go fuck yourselves. So anyway, we’re at this retreat, and I was already have the attitude that I’m not into this stuff, but I was trying to be open minded because of the level of my outrage. So then, I heard that there’s gonna be a sound bath. I didn’t know… In the woods. I didn’t know what a sound bath was. I thought, “DJ’s will shower with us.” And we go up to the woods and there’s more stretching, camel toe everywhere. So annoying. Kale chips. I’m like, it’s 85 degrees. Who wants to suck on a kale chip? Then I saw a ukulele. I’m like, no, you don’t. I know that is gonna end up somewhere that I’m not gonna like, okay. This is classic, classic finger blasting setting. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on my Pikachu. So I walked out, and I found some other girl. I left the woods and I’m like, “What’s up? Who’s got drugs?” She’s like, “We’re having a ceremony tomorrow night” “with toad venom, and it’s called 5-DME-OT.” And I was like, “Okay, I’ll take mine now.” Let’s party. And she said, “It’s not really that kind of drug.” I’m like, “Listen bitch, I’ll decide what kind of drug this is.” I understand some people are not built for drugs and alcohol, and I respect that. I don’t ever want to get anybody involved with drugs and alcohol that can’t handle it, but I believe that I am. I believe that I’m built for the apocalypse… which, by the way, we’re in. I’ve done every drug. I’ve experimented with everything. Unless there’s a new drug that came out this morning, I’ve tried it. I did a special on Netflix. I went down to Peru and did ayahuasca on camera with a shaman, and they said, “No, you can’t do that.” “People vomit and shit their pants.” I was like, “I won’t do that. I’m too advanced.” I’m like, “You think I’m gonna ruin a buzz by defecating on myself?” “Never is that going to happen.” I took my SATs tripping on acid. I didn’t get into college, but I had a great time taking that test. And I’ve never had a bad time. Like everybody always has a bad time with drugs. There’s always a girl in the corner for eight hours, like… That’s never me. I’ve had never a bad experience. Nothing that I would frame as negative, anyway. The one time, I had a questionable experience. This was 15 years ago, before cannabis was the way it was, before there were labels. And a man had given me a cookie. And I ate that cookie. And I thought I was at a movie theater. And when the movie ended, I got up to leave the movie theater, only to find out I was on an airplane. That was shocking. ‘Cause I didn’t just get up; I got my shit together. I got my coat, and it had a belt. It must have been winter. And then I got my bag out of the overhead bin and pulled it down as if that’s how you leave a movie theater. It never occurred to me this isn’t what you’ve ever done leaving a theater before. It was rote. I was like, “I better get my bag.” “I better get my things.” And then I was like, yeah. Up the aisle, straight to the little window that you look out if you’re trying to escape. And I’m looking at the other passengers like, what are these idiots waiting for, the credits? I was staring out that little bagel window, and then I feel tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, and the flight attendant’s like, “Sweetie, there are three more hours left on this flight.” And I was like, “I know”. I was like, “I’m going to the bathroom to change.” Just layered on my lies. I was like, “You’re not gonna shame me.” And then I walked up to the bathroom and shoved my suitcase inside. Apparently not only was I not at a movie theatre I had never flown on an airplane before, and knowing that you can’t bring your suitcase into that little urine-soaked wet box and change your outfit, but I did. I put on a tube top to prove a point. And I walked back out with my head held high. I was like, do not make eye contact! You are a queen! I sat back down in my seat, and I was like, “What’s next?” It’s like, this is like an adventure. I wonder where I’m going. And who’s gonna pick me up when I get there? And then I put in another movie, and I watched that. And when that ended, I was like, “Do not get up, bitch.” And then I wrote on a piece of paper, “You are on a plane.” It’s not like you can look over at your neighbor and be like, “Speaking of nothing, where are we headed?” Anyway, so, that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, and I would frame that as a B-plus. I’m back at the retreat and this woman, I don’t remember her name, who had the toad venom, we’ll call her Sierra Mist. So she and I are walking down to this cottage to do it, and then this other dipsy doodle comes running out of the bushes and she’s like, “Are you guys getting high?” I’m like, “Back the fuck up.” First of all, I don’t like interlopers, you know what I mean? I don’t wanna do drugs with somebody if it’s their first time. I don’t have time for that shit. And a lot of people depend on me because I’m a pharmacological intuit. I could look at you and say, “You’re gonna thrive on this drug,” “you’re gonna do better on Xanax, you might prefer a Vicodin,” “you might like an Adderall.” I can tell by looking at your body and talking to you for five minutes what drug you are going to respond to. Don’t talk to me about melatonin either, people. Melatonin is for beginners. Talk to me after you’ve taken an Ambien and woken up at a Harrah’s blackjack table, $500 up, with your eyeshades on. Then you can talk to me about fuckin’ melatonin. So a lot of people know this about me. My sister she had trouble making speeches at work, ’cause she would get dry mouth. So I prescribed her Propranolol. A beta blocker. I said, “Take one 30 minutes before you speak publicly.” She’s been promoted twice. She called me. She’s like, “Thank God we have a doctor in the family.” Magnesium 07 by Aerobic Life for women who have trouble going to the bathroom. A lot of women have trouble going to the bathroom every day. If you take three of those every night for three nights, you would have solid shidoobees for the rest of your life. If you take 4, you will get diarrhea. Some girls like that. If you do, take four. You’ll get it. Doxycycline will kill anything in your system. Acne and malaria. 2 doxycycline twice a day for 10 days. Never on an empty stomach. You’ll vomit, okay? It will knock anything out of your system. I take one every morning just not to fuck around. I looked at this girl, this other 7UP Light girl that came out of the woods, and I could tell by her body type that I didn’t want her to rain on my party. And a lot of people think, heavier or taller people can handle more drugs and alcohol. That is not true either. It’s those skinny little bitches you have to watch out for, the ones who can do coke all night and then take one of those Lime scooters to work in the morning. I said, “Listen, I’m gonna do this, sweetie, and I’ll get back to you.” So I go down with Sierra, we go to this cottage, and she’s like, “Okay, you know, this is gonna be about 10 or 12 minutes.” And I’m like, “What?” Like, That’s not fun, 10 or 12 minutes. I go, “Just give me a double dose.” And she said, “No, why don’t you try it first?” “It’s transcendental,” is the word that she used. So I was already bored. And then she said, “You need to set an intention.” I was like, “I don’t care.” “Why don’t you set one for me.” And she said, “You need to set it.” I’m like, To be less of a cunt, okay? Is that an intention? ‘Cause I would like to do that.” So I take a hit, and it’s in, a little crack pipe, or whatever. I take a hit, and it’s immediately terrible. Like, the most terrible thi-dark, swirly greens and purples. It was like I was on a roller coaster and my head was in a vice and I couldn’t move. And then I open my eye; I’m like, “Fuck. She’s still here.” I was like, “I don’t like this, I don’t like this,” and I was like, “You’re gonna pass away today.” That’s what’s happening.” And then I’m like, “No, don’t be so dramatic.” “You’re not gonna pass away. You’ve received brain damage,” “but you’re already a little bit on the spectrum, so don’t even worry”… not that people on the spectrum have brain damage, but I definitely have it, and I’m on some spectrum. I’m sitting there, and I am sweating, just drenched in my own sweat. I’m ripping my clothes off and I’m hyperventilating and I’m like, “Don’t say anything.” And when I couldn’t wait anymore, I was like, “You have to make this stop. I’m in a matrix.” And she puts her hand on my chest in between my naked boobs and she’s like, “It’s okay. You’re in a parallel universe.” I was like, “Bitch, I don’t have any Bitcoin. Get me out of there.” And finally, I started to come out of it, and I was so, first of all, embarrassed, ’cause I was nude. That I had lost complete control. I was like, “My God.” And I open my eyes and I look at her and I look down at my body and I was completely nude. I had forgotten that, that morning, I had put on nude underwear. So when I looked down, I just saw a bald bump. And I was like, “You shaved my beaver. I knew something like that was gonna happen this weekend.” I had to get my stuff together, like with the walk of shame in the morning. Turning away from her when she’s already seen my nude body. I’m covering myself, picking up my clothes. And then I’m like, “Thank you.” ‘Cause that’s what girls do. We say thank you even when we’ve had a terrible time. I did it two more times, and I’m like, “I definitely don’t like this.” And then my curiosity had reached its conclusion. And I figured it was time to go to a real therapist. I needed to talk to somebody, but I was embarrassed that I needed to talk to somebody. I had seen doctors and therapists before, but never with the intention of fixing anything that really ran deep. I didn’t have the mental equipment to let anyone see me for anything other than what I’d become, which was strong. And because of that strength, I wasn’t about to sit in a doctor’s office and cry. Crying for other people, my friends, about their problems, sure. But crying for myself about myself was absolutely out of the question. So I sat down, this guy’s name is Dan, he’s a psychiatrist, and I said, “I have a lot of anger and outrage about Donald Trump,” “and people are running when they see me coming.” “I’m losing friends. I’m losing family members.” He said, “Let’s talk about that.” I said, “I travel a lot.” “I’m in airports a lot. And I check in to the first-class lounge,” “and then I immediately go over to the Fox News section” “and start going off on people.” I’m like, “You fuckin’ racist!” And then I run out. And then I come back and I’m like, “Do you have a daughter that doesn’t have any rights? ‘Cause she won’t.” And then I run back in; I’m like, “Are you still a racist?” Dan is really understanding, he’s like, “It’s a really tricky time right now.” “Emotions are high. A lot of people are enervated.” I said, “Dan, I went to the airport today, and I didn’t have a flight.” I told him that, before the election, my biggest privileged decision was whether or not to install a waterslide off of my bedroom balcony into my pool for the next time my friends and I did molly. And then I told him, the day after the election, I’m driving around the streets of Bel Air, where I live, passing out water bottles and blankets to the Mexican workers in my neighborhood, going, “You belong here!” And them looking at me like, “We’re not all illegal, you racist bitch.” Cheers! I told him I had read this book by Viktor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning, and in the book there was a line that made me put the book down. And the line said, “Stop thinking about what you expect out of life, and start thinking about what life expects out of you.” I was like, “What?” I’d never thought about what life was expecting from me. I was thinking about what I was gonna get, always about me and my family and my friends and my homes, my vacations. I was taking, without thinking about my contribution. And I told Dan, I said, “I have to do better. I wanna do better; I need somebody to help me do better.” I said, “But I feel so hopeless,” “I had read an article that men were masturbating into plants.” That’s happening. When did that start? Please stand up if you’ve done that and explain it. Please, get up. If somebody’s done that here, you need to come forward. Why did that start? I mean, honestly, guys, only a man would do such a thing. Poor plants. They’ve been sitting around for how many millions of millennia, minding their own… giving us air to breathe. And then cavemen come running along with their dicks waving, and plants are like, “My God. What is gonna happen now?” “Are we gonna get ejaculated on?” Talk about picking a victim that can’t get away. Sickos. Only a man would see a plant and be like… Only a man would do that. No woman has ever done it. In the history of the world, no woman is like, “Where’s a cactus?” Never! Never ever, ever. Not one time. I’m willing to vouch for all women everywhere. Not in the history of the world or in the future history of the world will a woman ever have said that she has done that or will we catch one doing it. That was a disappointing revelation. It’s not like women don’t get turned on at inappropriate times. We do. I get a manicure and a pedicure every week. And she does that forearm massage this spot right here is my sweet spot. When somebody touches that, I’m like… I flutter my eyes, start to twitch, and I’m like… And then I’m like, open your eyes. You’re at a nail salon. You can’t do that right now. You’re in public, you sick bitch. You can’t audibly moan while you’re getting a massage. That’s not okay. And in that moment, when she does that, I’m vulnerable. I would like it to continue in different ways, maybe. When she does the little dipsy doo, if she… even if in that moment, if she tried to just go a little bit too far, like, up the leg, and a little dipsy doodle, like, a little… Itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the rain… If in that moment she did do that, I might be like, “Yeah, quick.” “Do it, get in, quick, before anybody else walks in.” I might even return the favor. I doubt it, but I might. I’m talking to my new psychiatrist about this. And I was like, “Dan, I’m thinking I’m lit.” “You know, I know I’m, like, woke, and I know my shit.” I’d started filming a documentary for Netflix about white privilege. And on the very first day of shooting, Netflix called me and said I had to go to sexual harassment training. I was like… again? And I had been on set and this Black woman sang this song and I went to go hug her and after I hugged her, I smacked her on the ass. I said, “Way to go, sister.” She did not like that. But I didn’t understand why I had to go to sexual har… I was like, “Why is this sexual harassment? I’m not hitting on her. I’m straight.” And they’re like, “No, it’s not about that. You have to call this woman and apologize to her, and you have to get her to accept your apology.” And I was like… and I was defensive. And so I called her, and I was like, “I was just trying to say,” “‘Hey, go girl.’ Like, sisterhood.” And she said, “It doesn’t matter what your intention was. “It’s how I received it, and you… Black women have been defined by their hair and their asses since the beginning of time. You have no right to touch my body.” And she was right. I have no right to touch her body or anybody else’s. So I was sitting there talking to Dan, and I was like, “But can I still touch white people?” And he said, “No, no, you can’t touch anyone, Chelsea. It’s unwelcome.” And I was like, “But that’s how my family and I communicate.” I see my sister, I grab her by the Pikachu. I’m like, “Beep, beep!” He’s like, “You definitely shouldn’t be doing that with family.” And that was a wake-up call, ’cause she was right and I was wrong. It’s not about your intention; It’s about the reception. And any time you’re defensive, especially about racism, you’re fuckin’ wrong. If you’re a person who doesn’t think that “white privilege” is a real thing, then you’re a person who’s choosing to be part of the problem rather than being part of the solution. Because the world is only getting browner and gayer, so you better hop on board. So that was lesson number one, but not from Dan, but I talked it through with him. And then he wanted to know about my family history. I was like, that’s not what this is about. Nothin to see there. I was like, my brother died when I was a little girl; My mom died, like, 8 or 10 years ago; My dad’s a huge pain in the ass, so hopefully he’ll wrap things up. And I said, “And quite frankly, like, I’m ready to wrap it up, too.” I said, “Dan, I’m not suicidal. You don’t have to worry about it. But people say life is too short. I think it’s too long.” There’s so many annoying people out here and I just can’t deal with it. I said, “I’m losing my patience, and I need you to help me with my lack of patience.” And he said, “Okay. Give me some examples of your lack of patience.” I was at a table like this, probably a little bigger, with three of my girlfriends before my session that day with Dan. My girlfriend orders a turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese. That’s fine. We live in LA. So the server comes over with his hands full, with four plates, and comes over and we’re all sitting at a table. We’re not even talking. And he says, “Turkey burger? Who ordered the turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese?” And my friend is just sitting there like Stevie Wonder playing the piano. And he says it again, louder, “Turkey burger. No onion, no bun, no cheese.” And this is her. I go, “Hey, you fucking cunt! Wake up! Is that your turkey burger? You can’t order that and then forget that you ordered that.” I said, “So that’s one example. Would you like to hear another?” He said, “Yes, please go on.” I said, “Airports, airports. I can’t deal with the people that work at Hudson Booksellers. What’s wrong with those people? What’s up with the slowness of the transaction? I can’t deal with the slowness of the transaction “when I wanna buy a book. Are those people… Are they koala bears?” He said, “How do you handle that?” I go, “I have to shoplift. I have to.” “I get the book, and I wave it to the security camera…” Always, I always say, ‘Hey, it’s me, Chelsea Handler, I’m taking this ’cause your koala bear is on a branch somewhere in the back.” I’m like, “I’m gonna leave 40 bucks here, and hopefully they’ll find it when she comes out from her nap, if she’ll find it before a stranger does, but it’s on this bookshelf. I didn’t steal. I’m leaving,” and then I skedaddle. And Dan was looking at me when I said that. I was like, “What? Is that white privilege too?” He’s like, “No, Chelsea. White people aren’t even doing that.” I told him, anything hotel related, “I spend tons of times in hotels,” and I get home at, like, 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, “I want my snack. I call down,” I order what I want from room service, and that’s too slow.” At 1:30 in the morning, there should be, like, a double speed, where people are quicker and more alert, or just quicker. Then they wanna repeat the order back to me. It’s like, please, whatever you think you heard, just bring double. And don’t say “chicken fingers” out loud again. I’m 45 years old. I don’t wanna have this conversation. Do you know how humiliating it is to call you in the first place and order this at 1:30 in the morning? And now you wanna go over it and shame me again? Just bring them. And then they bring them and that’s a whole episode in and of itself. It’s like, with the cart and the fork and the knife and they set me up like I’m fine dining at 2:00 in the morning with some chicken fingers. As if I’m going to use a fork and a knife to cut up my chicken fingers. You could throw them across the room and I will catch them in my mouth. Then I have to pretend I have a fake daughter that’s, you know, in the bath. “My daughter’s getting out of the bath. Can you wrap this up, please? Get the fuck out of here.” I said, “I could get annoyed during a hotel massage, Dan. That’s the kind of bitch I am.” The way they talk to you after a 45 minute Swedish massage is ridiculous, “You’re gonna wanna be careful… getting up.” Why? Did you amputate my legs? Why do I need to be careful getting up? This is supposed to be more relaxing, not stressful. And then they hand you a gross Dixie cup of room-temperature water. It’s like, “I don’t want that.” “You’re gonna wanna drink a lot of water.” No, I won’t. Fuckin’ hate water. The only thing more offensive to me than room-temperature water is room-temperature sparkling water. That is like, “Fuck you and your family.” So I said, “So what do you think I have after all of this?” I said, “What do you think it is, Dan? What? ADD? What?” He said… “I don’t know if you have ADD.” He’s like, “I have no idea if you have that. You could take a test for that.” It’s like, great. He said, “It’s eight hours long.” I was like, “Let’s just operate under the assumption that I have it.” He said, “I think you lack empathy.” I was like, “Like a Republican?” And I had him draw the distinction for me between sympathy and empathy because I couldn’t remember. I said, “Wait, sympathy is what?” “Sympathy is when you feel sorry for somebody, or you feel badly. Somebody’s going through a bad time and you help them.” I said, “I’ve got that.” I would do that for any of you sitting here. I would do that for strangers. Yeah, I’ve got sympathy. He said, “Empathy is actually thinking about what it’s like to be that person that’s going through a difficult time… Actually thinking about what it’s like to be in their shoes. Have you ever done that?” I was like, “Oh, no.” I was like, “That’s depressing. No.” He said, “You need to think about the woman that’s working at the Hudson Booksellers store. You need to think about the fact that she may have more than one job, or that she has to deal with people like you all day long. You have to think about the fact that she’s got a family at home.” And I’m like… “I have to think about all those koala bears?” But it made sense, and I was clicking. Paying somebody to tell you what is wrong with you is a great transaction. I was like, no friends are gonna tell you, I was like, “Okay, great.” I’m like, “How do I get empathy? Is there an app I can download?” And he said, “Can you think of any experiences that you’ve had recently where you lacked empathy?” I was like, “Yeah.” And all these light bulbs went on in my head, and I remembered going to this movie with one of my gay friends. It was called “Call Me By Your Name.” It came out three years ago. And I didn’t know what the movie was when we went in, but five minutes in, I did. And I was like, “What is this?” I go, “A gay love story?” He goes, “Yeah. Shut up.” I go, “You’re so selfish.” And Dan looked at me: “Do you know why that’s wrong?” I go, “I think so. ‘Cause gay people have had to sit through “straight people’s love stories since the beginning of fucking time.” And he goes, “Yeah.” So now at my house, all I have on a loop, all day long is gay porn. Out of respect. Finding out I lacked empathy was, like, a huge light bulb, and I was so excited. I was on board with therapy, and he got me from that. I’m like, “You’re right. I don’t have empathy.” “Okay, let’s go, what else? He said “What about relationships?” I’m like, “No good. I’m not good at that.” “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I’m like, “Whatever you say, I’ll do. If you think I should be in one, I’ll go find somebody.” “It’s tricky ’cause everybody annoys me, and men annoy me. Their belts annoy me, their shoes, everything about them.” “But if we’re gonna do something, we should lock something down quick.” I’m in a denim onesie right now. I have orthotics in every pair of my shoes. One of my eyes is going bald. I have to shave my face in the shower in the morning to get rid of this facial hair that I’m starting to grow. I used aftershave the other day for the first time. Either I’m transitioning and I don’t know it… or I’m in decline. I saw my elbow in the mirror. I was like, is that an iguana? What happened? And why does it look like a butt? The other day I coughed, and liquid came out of my vagina. That, I blame on 50 Cent. And I went to my doctor, and she was, like, doing my hormone testing, and she’s like, “Okay, sweetie, you’re low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I don’t think I’m low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I could give a man some testosterone.” I’m like, “I’m very aggressive.” She’s like, “That’s not testosterone.” So she said “You have none.” And she said, “It’s just better that you replace your hormones when you start to lose them.” And I’m like… So I started taking testosterone, which is some cream you have to rub on your leg like an older woman. I was like, okay, well, here we go. I’m just heading into elderly territory. Then I go back to the same doctor, two months later and I was like, “My hair is really thin on top. Do you know what that could be from?” And she’s like, “Well, are you on testosterone?” I’m like “Yeah, bitch, you prescribed it to me. Don’t you remember? What are you? A vet?” “What are the side effects of… What is testosterone even doing for me?” I don’t want to lose my hair. And one of my eyelashes… One of my eyes is almost bald. I have two eyelashes that have come in over the past two years. Like, none will sprout. And she says, “It helps with your sex drive.” I’m like, “So you want me to be bald and horny?” And then what? What’s the game plan after that? Just play solitaire all by myself every night? The thing is, I like older men. When I was 20, that was fine, ’cause they were 40. When I was 30, I dated a 50-year-old. When I was 35, I dated a 55-year-old. I’m 45. I’m not down to fuck a 65-year-old. Okay, that margin needs to close. I’m all for 65-year-olds, and I’ll fuck you when I get to be your age. But not now. It’s too much. There is an age where men either start to look like women, or they get the slippery lips, where their mouths turn into Jacuzzis. And that’s when I skedaddled. Which brings me to the strong and deep sexual feelings that I have developed for Andrew Cuomo. I know we all feel it. A lot of women are feeling it. When he came on the scene, he looked like the Incredible Hulk also. That big Italian gorilla. It’s like, “Put on your mask,” I’m like, “I’ll put my mask on.” He’s the kind of asshole that I will do shit for. And you know he’s an asshole, and that’s what I like about him. An old-fashioned asshole who’s gonna tell me to sit down and shut up. I want him to flatten my curve and then I wanna flatten his curve. And then I want us to apex together. And he can mansplain to me all night long about fishing or motorcycles or whatever dumb shit he’s into that I will pretend that I am into, because that’s how down I am with him. Guess who’s not jerking off into plants? Andrew Cuomo. I want him to govern me… multiple times. I imagine us spending long weekends together in the Adirondacks, playing games of “Clue,” a game I thought I had already mastered that he’s teaching me entirely new strategies to. I imagine him getting very sick and me having the only medication that can make him better. Two doxycycline… twice a day for ten days. Never on an empty stomach. I would keep him slightly dehydrated so wouldn’t get the slippery lips. Because he’s got them. He’s on the cusp of exactly what I’m talking about. That big mouth, and it’s wet, and in two more years, he’s gonna be able to swallow me like a meatball sub. But I need to get in there quick. Once the curve flattens for good, so will my crush. I told Dan that I mostly hook up on vacation when I travel internationally, ’cause there’s a language barrier, and that works to my advantage when people can’t really understand what I’m saying. We went on a scuba diving trip with my girlfriend for her 40th birthday. We all had to get certified and I’m not really good in a classroom setting. So I wasn’t paying attention, and they were like, everyone needs a buddy. I’m like, “I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy, I’m not gonna help anybody with their oxygen tank. Like, everyone’s… I can’t, I’m not the girl for that.” And my counsin is, like, “I’ll be your buddy.” I’m like, “But I’m not gonna save you, so, like, we should split up, and I should go with one of the guides.” They had two divemasters. And we’re in French Polynesia, and we’re shark diving. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m like, I can’t get my mask on normal. I’m already underwater and shit is, like, messed up all of a sudden. I’m, like, trying to tie my sneaker underwater. That’s the kind of situation I was in. And she pulls on my leg. And I freak out, and I look down, and there’s this huge blacktip reef shark, and underwater, you can’t tell if it’s five feet away or 20 feet away. So I go to kick it immediately. And I go back, ’cause I have my scuba tank on, and my goggles fill up with all this water, and I can’t see anything. I’m sitting there, waiting to be eaten by a shark, and I can’t see. You can’t ascend when you scuba dive ’cause you could hurt yourself and your equilibrium, you can screw that up. I’m panicking and having, I think, my very first panic attack. I don’t know what else you could describe it as. I’m like… And all of a sudden, my divemaster comes down, smashes my mask against my face, looks me in the eye, and he’s like… Breathe. And then he holds my hand. I’m like, “I’m gonna fuck you. As soon as we get to land, I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. This the hottest rescue I’ve ever had. My God, I love a man in charge of me.” We did the rest of our dive holding hands like an underwater couple. I’ve never been so happy. My friends were all looking at me, giving me the finger underwater. Then we got to the top after our dive, and we got in the little boat, and he took his mask off and I was like, “Whoopsie doodle. You’re gonna wanna put that back on.” I was skiing in Switzerland once and I wiped out really badly and I ended up tearing my ACL. And so I’m, like, tumbling down this mountain. I was skiing out of control, and I paid the price for it. As I’m crashing, I hear… And I’m like, my God, my legs are gone. I’ll just be a floating neck when I stop. And I stopped, finally, and I look up at my Austrian ski guide, and he’s smoking a cigarette. He’s like… “You just tore your ACL. Helicopter is coming.” I was like, “Helicopter? This is exciting.” And a helicopter came in, we’re in the Swiss Alps, and my three girlfriends are just staring at me like, “Again?” And they come down, and these two medics run out and they run over to me and I’m lying on the ground. And they’re like, “Are you okay?” And I’m trying to be tough. I’m like, “Yes, I’m okay.” They’re like, “Are you in pain?” I’m like, “Nope.” And they’re like, “No morphine?” I’m like, “I’m in pain!” And then they whisk me away on the stretcher back to the helicopter, and I get in the helicopter. The wind is blowing; The propellers are blowing; There’s snow everywhere. It was so romantic. And I get in, and there’s two pilots and two medics. I’m like, I’m gonna fuck all four of these guys. I’m like, this is gonna be like a reverse gangbang. Look at me! So turned on, so turned on by that rescue. But it was a 45-minute ride to the hospital and they had these thick German accents and I’m a Jew, so I was like, I’m not fuckin’ these guys. Not giving these Nazis another victory. I’ll take one of you, but not all four, not today. When I finished telling Dan that, he was looking at me funny and he said, “I really think you need to settle down. “You need to stop. You’re moving very, very fast.” And it seems to me that you could benefit a lot from meditation.” And I was like… Meditation, to me, sounded like room-temperature water. And he said, “I want you to commit to meditation for three months.” And I was like, “Three months? That’s like a pregnancy.” And he was like, “That’s nine months, Chelsea. Pregnancy is nine months, and you know that.” I go, “Dan, some are nine, some are three, some are one. Don’t even get me started.” And then cannabis became legal in the state of California. There was all of this education that has been missing for all of these years with cannabis. You no longer had to take a cookie and find out you were on a transcontinental flight 7 hours later. Cannabis became my gateway drug into meditating. It allowed me to, like, slow down. It was cannabis, meditation, therapy. And it was working. I was slowing down. And I was thinking before I spoke, which, before I met Dan, was something that never even occurred to me. And with microdosing, you know, you could take, like, 2 1/2 milligrams, 1 milligram, 5 milligrams, you take a blueberry, you’re never gonna be off your rocker. It sanded down the edges, and I stopped watching the news 24 hours a day and I stopped being so angry at Donald Trump and Ivanka. I was able to focus on other things, I was able to be happier and lighter and I started drinking less, which was a sentence that I thought would never ever come out of my mouth. I was so excited because now cannabis can be a drug that you control, not a drug that controls you. So I was excited about the prospects of cannabis, not only in my life, but all my friends’ and family’s lives. All the people I’ve been prescribing medication to were now getting cannabis instead. Anybody who had trouble sleeping, I’m like, try this gummy. Anybody who had anxiety, I’m like, try this edible, try this mint, try this chocolate, covered blueberry. It was helping all sorts of people, and I was doing research and collecting data and I was keeping notes in my medical journal. The best part, I think, about edibles is that you take a little edible, and then sometimes you forget you’ve taken one, and then, like, 45 minutes later, you’re like… Everything’s a little bit more sparkly. Everybody’s a little bit less fuckin’ annoying, and you’re like, yeah, I could talk to you for another hour. So my family came out to visit me in LA for Thanksgiving, and my sister’s a recovering Mormon, and I said, “I want you to try this. I know you don’t like fun, but do you wanna try this chocolate-covered blueberry?” I said, “I think you’re gonna like it.” And she’s like, “Yeah, I’ll try it.” And she loved it. She came back into the kitchen an hour later. She goes, “Sissy, I feel so warm and fuzzy.” I go, “Isn’t it great?” And she goes, “My God, yes. This is better than drinking. This is just-I love everybody.” And I’m like, “I know. Do you want another one?” She said, “Can I?” I go, “Oh, yeah.” And I put in my medical journal, “She’s taking two.” An hour later, she walked into the living room from the kitchen with a frozen ham underneath her arm. And I’m like, “What’s that about? You wanna cook a ham right now?” She’s like, “No, I opened the freezer and this reminded me of Mom.” I was like, “Sissy, let’s go to bed.” So we went upstairs, and we got into bed. I took the frozen ham and I threw it in the sauna. I was like, this will be ready at some point. And we got into bed, and we were just, like, snuggling and cuddling like sisters do, and we were laughing and it was so fun. And it was like we were like little girls. And she was like, “My God. This the best feeling.” “I can’t believe we’re in our 40s and we still get to act like this. How long are we gonna be able to act like this?” I’m like, “Sissy, we will always be able to act like this.” Then I stuck my finger in her butt, and she passed right out. So I walked into Dan’s office after my family left, and I was like, “Hey, Dan.” I go, “Cannabis has changed my life. I’m meditating”. I was meditating every morning for 20 minutes. I was going to the airport. I wasn’t even going to the Fox News lounge. I wasn’t yelling at people who disagreed with me politically. I was trying to have compassion and empathy. And I was being more patient, and I was holding my tongue more. And I said, “Cannabis is the way to keep families together. Like, this is the best family vacation we’ve ever had. Like, everyone got along. It was fun.” And he said, “Great. I’m in support of that.” And he handed me an orange, very casually. He said, “I picked this off my tree this morning. I thought you might like an orange.” And I was revolted. I was like, “Orange?” First of all, he knows how I feel about this color since the election. And then I burst into tears, and I was so embarrassed, ’cause he had not seen me cry and I didn’t want him to see me cry. And I immediately put up the orange in front of my eyes. I was holding it, and then I was stabbing it with my thumb, so the citrus was squirting into my eyes. I was like, “Shit.” And then I was really crying, I was, like, convulsively crying. And there was snot coming out of everywhere. And then at one point, somehow, snot had alley-ooped up to my forehead and then dropped back down to my chin. I looked like Brett Kavanaugh during his senate confirmation hearing. Like a big white male baby! And finally, I dropped it. And I looked at him, and I knew I had no way out. And I said, “I need to tell you about the day my brother died and what happened to my family.” And I told him about my brother, that there were six of us, and I was the youngest. I was the baby, and my brother Chet was the oldest. He was the only family member who understood that I was born going through menopause, that I was a sweaty baby, and that I would have to retire somewhere probably in the Arctic. He was the only person in my family who knew that when I ate soup, I had to be topless, ’cause I would immediately start sweating. And when I was a little girl, that was fine. But when I was eight, I remember we had this summer house in Martha’s Vineyard, and my buds had come in. They weren’t really boobs yet, but they were flappy titties, where your nipple just goes down before it’s gonna burst. And I remember hearing my father say to my brother, “You gotta cover her up if you go into town now. She can’t be topless anymore.” ‘Cause I walked around topless my entire childhood. And I remember hearing that. I’m like, “What’s he talking about?” My brother took me into town to go to this place called the Quarterdeck, where we would always get fast food. It wasn’t fast food, but it was, like, you know, a Vineyard place. You get takeout fried clams, a lobster roll or steamers… And I remember that day. I was sitting there, and I was holding my brother’s hand at the takeout counter, and I was like, “I’ll have the clam chowder.” He’s like, “Whoa…” He goes; “No let’s not do soup today.” And I said, “What do you mean? I want clam chowder.” He’s like, “We can’t have that today. Like, we can take it to go, but we can’t sit out and eat clam chowder. We’ll explain it to you when we get home.” I was like, “But I really want it.” And he said, “Okay. If you really want it, we can go in my car and you can eat it in the car.” And I was like, “All right, whatever.” And I’ll never forget that day. I sat in my brother’s car eating my clam chowder with my top off, just sweating. And my brother had his back against the passenger’s side window to cover up the little eight-year-old girl that was nude in his car. Just like R. Kelly. And we used to have this game where we’d be, he’d come home from work, and he’d come running up to my parents’ room, and I was always hiding under the covers in my mom’s bed. And he’d come up and go, “Where is she?” It’d be at 11:00 at night. And I’d hide under the covers and my mom would be like, “She’s not here.” I’d be like, “Shut up, Mom. You’re not even in this game.” And then he’d grab me by the ankles under the covers, throw me over his shoulders and we’d run downstairs and we’d go into the kitchen and I’d make him a big bowl of Raisin Bran. I knew the right ratio of Raisin Bran to bananas to milk that he liked. And I would make him his dinner and then we’d sit there like a couple and talk about our day. And I remember him telling me he wasn’t coming to Martha’s Vineyard that year because he was going on a hiking trip in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And I was mad because I would always drive up with him, and he would leave the window down the whole way so I could have fresh air blowing in my face and be topless. He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll meet you in two weeks on the Vineyard. I will never, ever leave you with these people.” And then he went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and fell off a cliff and died three days later. And Dan said, “What… then what happened?” And I said, “I just remember going into the kitchen and throwing away all the cereal. Like, cereal was over. It was a wrap on it. Childhood was over. Our family was over. I haven’t had cereal since that day.” And he said, “What happened with your family?” And I said, “It was awful.” My father was this big, strong man who was in charge of everything and didn’t fuck around. I’d never seen my father cry. And I remember sitting shiva… What Jews do when people die with all these relatives and neighbors and strangers coming to our house, and my dad, who was so strong and so in charge, sitting on the couch like a baby, crying. And I was looking at him, and I was so embarrassed. I was like, “What are you doing? What is happening, he’s dead, and you’re gonna… what are you doing? Where the fuck are the adults? I’m nine, what is happening?” And I remember, I thought, I gotta grow up. This is it. It’s over. And at some point, we went back to Martha’s Vineyard, to our summer house, and my dad was sitting on the deck, and we had a house in front of the water. And he was sitting on the deck, and my parents’ faces had changed after my brother died. They were just old, all of the sudden. And they were gray, and gray in the face, and I wanted joy back. I didn’t know what was happening. I wanted to bring joy to them again. I wanted them to laugh again. I wanted… anything to happen. And I remember I walked outside and I saw my father sitting there, just holding his head. And it was a beautiful sunny day, and I said, “Dad, can we please just go in the water?” I was like, “Please?” And he said, “No one’s going in the water. My boy is dead.” And I walked off the deck, and I thought, I’m gonna go in alone. And the only rule in my family growing up was you could not swim by yourself. You could shoot heroin or hide a body, but you could not swim alone. “Jaws” was filmed on Martha’s Vineyard. We were scared of the mechanical shark. But I didn’t care, ’cause… and I was so scared to defy my father. My father would… he would smack me. I was scared of him, especially in that state. But I didn’t care because my need for joy was paramount to my fear. And I walked off the deck, and I remember walking down to the water, and I just said, keep going. I got in the water, and I swam out, like, 20 yards and I turned around. And he had gone inside. And… Dan said, “Sit with that feeling.” And I said, “I can’t. It’s too painful.” He said, “Sit with it. What do you feel right now?” I’m like, “I’m so angry.” And he said, “Yes, but what’s underneath the anger?” And I’m like, “Hurt. I’m fucking hurt. I’m hurt that my brother went off and ditched me when he told me he was gonna come back. And then my father ditched me.” And he said, “Yes, what’s underneath the hurt?” I’m like, “I’m paying you to tell me what’s underneath the hurt.” He said, “Rejection. You took that as rejection, because that’s what a nine-year-old girl thinks. It doesn’t matter that your brother had a hiking accident. It matters that he told you he was coming back and he didn’t come back, so for a nine-year-old little girl, he rejected you. And then your father rejected you, so you were broken up with twice. This is why, when I handed you an orange, you were revolted, because it requires you to be vulnerable with a man, and you don’t trust men, because the two men you trusted the most lied.” He said, “This is where your lack of empathy comes in.” How are you meant to have empathy for anyone when you’ve never even grieved yourself? You’ve never allowed yourself to because you had to be strong.” And I’m looking at him, hearing these things, and I’m like…” My God, I wanna fuck you, too.” He’s like, “You don’t wanna fuck me.” I’m like, “I do in this moment.” He’s like, “No, you want someone to take care of you. That’s why you hire guides and why you hook up with guides, ’cause you’re paying them to take care of you.” “And you’re also paying them, technically, to have sex with you.” I’m like, “Dan, that’s too far.” I didn’t know that my brother’s death was defining me. I didn’t know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that still acted like a nine-year-old little girl into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit that you’re in pain, thereby relinquishing that pain or beginning to relinquish that pain. My brother dying no longer had to define my existence. It’s part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part, but it’s not all of me. I define me. I decide who I am. No event or person does this. I decide how I’m going to behave and I know now that vulnerability is not weakness, that vulnerability is strength. So I was excited. I went home. I was packing my bags. I was leaving for Clearwater, Florida, to visit the Scientologists… to try and knock some sense into them. And I got on my plane, and I was feeling so good. I had the information that I needed to understand why I reacted… I wasn’t mad at Donald Trump. Of course I hate Donald Trump, but that was representative of the other time my life became unhinged. It was a trigger, a word I never thought I would use. But it made sense. And I was putting all these pieces together, and I was so grateful. I was sitting on the plane, and I saw this large man walking towards me. And I was like, I hope he doesn’t sit next to me. I could tell by his body type that he was a Trump supporter. He looked like a swollen tick. And he had these denim pants. They weren’t pants, they weren’t denim. They looked denim, but they were cloth. And I was like… that is tricky. I don’t like that, and then I was, no. You don’t judge people based on their denim-looking pants. This person is a man with a family. Stop looking at the exterior and start thinking about the interior of people. That’s what Dan taught me. I was like, this is a man with a family. I immediately closed my eyes. Like, this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity to talk to somebody who voted for Donald Trump and actually be kind and generous and understand or try to understand why they would do something like that. So I closed my eyes, and I’m doing my breathing, I’m like, okay, opportunity… I’m like, think about his family; He’s got a wife. I’m like, well, she probably hates him too. I’m like, no. I’m like, no, Chelsea. Wives love husbands usually. I mean, just… no, he has children. He’s someone’s father. And I’m like, they fuckin’ hate him too. If they saw him in these shorts, they’d fuckin’ be pissed too. And I was like, no, no, no. Then I was like, okay, I can do this. I ordered a bowl of cereal for my first time in 30 years. I’m gonna have a bowl of cereal with a side of Republican. And I took my first bite of cereal, that’s when I smelled my first fart. There were eight. I know this because I counted, because they were like tsunamis. You thought one was over, and then it was done, a tsunami happens, and the water recedes, and people come down from the trees, and they’re like, “Okay, it’s gone.” And then, fuck, another wave is coming. That’s what that was like. So the first one, I was like, whoa… Is that me? Did I fart? And then there was the second one, I’m like, he’s farting on me. This Trump supporter is really checking me right now. This is really testing me. And then I’m thinking, like, my God, he needs a panty shield. Like, he needs something. He definitely needs a doxycycline. So I went in my bag, and I got some out. I took one, I put one on his plate, but I closed my eyes. And I was like, just breathe. You can deal with this too. This is just another challenge. And then I realized I was sucking the air from his asshole into my nose. And I was like, no… Remembered the Lamaze from my fake daughter, and I was like… and I kept my eyes shut. I obviously lost my appetite. I didn’t eat anything else. And when the flight attendant came over to clear my tray, I didn’t even look up. I just sat there trying to get myself together. And then finally, he got up to go to the bathroom. And when he did, she came back over, and she said, “Are you okay?” And I’m like, “Are you?” And then I turned around to look at the other hostages… I was like, “People are going to pass away on this flight.” She said, “Hopefully he’s just in the bathroom now getting rid of it.” I said, “What? You can’t say that.” I was like, “Getting rid of it? You need to call ahead to the airport… Do you have a hospital there? He’s gonna need a colonoscopy. You need to see if there’s a doctor or a vet on board, okay? He went to Chipotle, and things took a hard left turn.” And he comes out of the bathroom, and she scuttles away, and I’m like, God, I’m like, okay… You have to think of the most loving way to tell someone to stop farting. So he comes walking over, and he sits down and it’s loud and… I said, “Sir, will you please stop what you’re doing?” And he said, “Excuse me?” I go, “Stop it with your butt.” Then I covered my eyes and I sat like this for the rest of the flight, rocking myself like a baby. “Don’t say anything else, don’t be a cunt, don’t start a confrontation.” You’ve farted too. You’ve farted too, okay. You’ve had bad situations. Remember Panda Express? Don’t judge him… And I was so excited. We were descending. I was like, you did it, you didn’t do anything. If that had just been six months ago-six months before I had gone to therapy, just six months… He would have gone to the bathroom. I would’ve formed a gang. I would be the leader of the gang. I would’ve lurched at him like this, grabbed him by the neck, pinned him down on the floor, ’cause I have strength like that, and flipped him over like a baby and stapled his asshole shut. But I didn’t do that because I’m growing. And they’re called baby steps. So as we were leaving the plane, the plane had landed, he gathered his stuff, I didn’t make eye contact. We never had the relationship I thought we could have because he ruined it with his asshole. And the flight attendant came over as I was leaving, and she’s like, “It was a pleasure having you on board.” I was like, “Yeah, thank you.” I was like, “The pleasure was all yours.” And she said, “Can I ask you something?” And I was like, “Yeah, of course.” And she said, “I heard a funny story about you once.” I was like, “Really?” I go, “Which one?” “I heard you were so high once you tried to get off a plane mid-flight.” I said, “I’ve heard that story too.” I said, “That was Elizabeth Banks.” Thank you, guys! Does anybody want some complementary oranges? There you go. Thank you, New Jersey. It’s good to be home. Yeah! Thank you, guys! I love you guys. Thank you.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Marc Maron: Thinky Pain (2013) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-thinky-pain-transcript/

[siren wailing] I don’t know what you were thinking. Like, I’m not nervous, really. All I’m thinking is–I think it looks good out there. I think I’ve got– it was a good choice to do it in that small venue. I didn’t want a theater, because that doesn’t seem to be where you do comedy, running back and forth, trying to be larger than you really are. But now I’m starting to think maybe it’s just all done out of complete fear. Like, why not just have 12 people and shoot it very tightly and then err on the side of performance art if things don’t work out the way I want it to? You’re at a nice place now where you can have more than 12 people. There’s, like, 70. Maybe 100. 150. I don’t know. My stomach hurts. Badly. And I’ve been nauseous all day. I think I should be happy about all this, though, right? This is exciting. This is the best. Oh, my God. This is–for you, this is such a big year. Think of what you would have done to have this year ten years ago. Oh, I would have ruined it at the beginning of it. But if somebody would have laid out– it’s like, “Here’s the year you could have. What would you do for that year?” I often think about that. If I would have gotten the opportunities I have now when I was 20, there’s no way. I was not–like, that’s one of the great ways to alleviate any sort of bitterness you have in your life, is to really be honest with yourself and think, “Could I have handled this then?” There’d be no way. There’d be no way I could have handled it. I would have ruined it. People would have been disappointed. That could still happen. Tonight it could still happen. But isn’t that the best part of it, in a way, knowing that it’s yours to– you could press the button any time you want– And just fuck it up? Blow it all up again. You’d be all the way back at the beginning. Yeah. The stakes are higher if you blow it further along. No, this would be the worst you could do right now. This is the best pep talk I’ve ever had. Because it’s finally lined up, everything. Everything’s about to happen. Exactly. But that’s another benefit of the small audience. Like, so the disaster, it’s limited. Only a certain number of people could tweet that it’s going bad during the show. “Maron not quite getting over.” #MaronFail. [laughs] That’s a good way to start. You ready to go? We ready to go? Want to go do it? You want to bring me onstage? Yeah, sure. Can you believe we just did that? Like, this is how we prepared for me to go onstage? That this is it? You squeezed in a small podcast. I squeezed in a small… All right. Oh, my goodness. I feel the presence of alcohol. [indistinct chatter] [cheers and applause] All right. Everybody, let’s welcome to the stage our friend Marc Maron! [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in the basement showroom of the historic Village Gate, which was a big venue upstairs and down here that I used to do comedy in when I was a child. Why am I bringing this up? Because some part of me wants to glean some meaning out of that, that I was upstairs– they used to have a show. I know what I could do. There was a Bill Hicks story. I didn’t prepare. Did you want me to prepare? Upstairs, back in the late ’80s, they had a show– the Village Gate, they used to all the old jazz shows, and it was, like, a historic place. But by the late ’80s, early ’90s, it was kind of decrepit but cool. And they had a showroom up there, seated about 400 people. And on weekends they’d do a comedy show there, and the structure of the show was, they had a host, and then they had two comics doing 15 minutes apiece, and an improv group. Now, this is a story about Bill Hicks. So there was a briefly a time where Bill Hicks lived in New York City. He wasn’t received well, ’cause New Yorkers don’t understand anger. Like, they understand it, but they don’t understand why it’s onstage. It was so amazing to watch Bill perform in New York, ’cause literally the audience would be like, “What’s he so mad about?” You know, “He seems angry about something. Isn’t life hard enough?” But, like, I remember the night because the comics were me and Hicks, and it didn’t matter, it was interchangeable, but he had already done a few Lettermans, and he was Hicks, so even if he did badly, there was going to need to be some reconstruction, audience-wise, you know? So I remember, I walked up to him. I went, “Hey, Bill, you know, “you got the Lettermans and stuff. “I’m just starting out. You know, could I go first?” ‘Cause he was supposed to go first. And he was like, “No, man. I got to meet a guy to play chess.” I’m like, “I don’t even know what that means, but it seems important.” So I’m like, “All right, well, I guess I’ll just follow you, then.” And then I remember going to the bathroom, this was upstairs, so I go to the bathroom, and Hicks was–he went onstage, I go to the bathroom. I don’t know what happened while I was in the bathroom, but when I got out of the bathroom, there was 400 people in this room, and nobody’s laughing, no one’s saying anything. There is a silence in the room of 400 that has a suction to it. It’s like, “Oh, my God. “There’s actually sound being sucked out of the room by an audience that is in shock,” because Bill Hicks is at the lip of the stage, screaming at a woman, like, right where you are. And he’s going, “I’m a fucking poet! I’m a fucking poet!” And he stands up, and there’s nothing but silence. And I’m standing there like, “What is happening?” And then in the sweetest voice, this woman goes, “Tell us a poem, then.” So what’s happening? What do you want to talk about? You want to do the act or– I don’t know. Let’s not. Let’s just work through some stuff. I had a weird thing happen. Like, there is something to be said about doing a lot of drugs at some point in your life. I personally don’t have a lot of respect for people that don’t have the courage to lose complete control of their life for a few years. You know, right down the fucking hole. You know, like, “What happened?” “I don’t know. “I know it’s time I’m not getting back. “I’d like to think I did some good writing, “but there’s no real evidence of it. “Just random pieces of paper “and something I have finished, but I was in it, you know?” But, no, there is something to be learned from drug experiences, especially if you go out there, right, bro? Yeah. So… What the point is, I went and ate this Chinese food the other night, and it seems disconnected, but I went to this Chinese restaurant in San Francisco, and there was, like– I’m not a big Chinese food guy, but this was like this, you know, kind of nouveau cool Chinese place, and I ate pastrami kung pao. That’s crazy, right? Just chunks of fatty meat with, you know, salt and more salted things. And then there was the– I think it was just called lamb fat curry, which was just lamb fat and curry and some other vegetables. And then there was these tiki pork bellies. I’m not sure when it became okay to eat that shit, ’cause, I mean, it’s not even bacon. Didn’t they used throw that part away, pork belly? But now it’s like, “This is great.” So there were these two pieces of pork belly that were just– I don’t even know if they were deep-fried or what. There were chopsticks, and they were squares, and there was no way to eat them, other then to pick them up and just bite them, and they were just sort of warm gelled fat with crispy outsides. The point I’m making is, I ate all this shit, and I got in the car with my friend Jack, and I’m sitting there, and my hand went numb. Like, literally 20 minutes after I ate that, I’m like, “My hand’s tingling. I can’t feel it.” But because of my drug experience, I’m like, “I’m just gonna ride it out.” You know what I mean? It’s probably gonna go away. If it doesn’t, like, maybe my whole right side will go numb, you know? [slurring] And have to talk like this. But right now we’ll see what happens. I wouldn’t have had that wisdom without years of laying in bed on coke, going, “Please not now. Not now. Just ride this out.” I am still alive. That’s amazing. It’s all amazing. I’m happy to say that I’m having a reasonable midlife crisis. You know, I bought a– I buy records, and I bought a tube amp. I’m not gonna drive it into a wall. You know, I’m not gonna get in trouble for fucking it. But it was weird. Like, what sort of inspired it is, I had these records, and there weren’t even that many records. There was about 300 records that I had, and I had ’em since high school. I don’t know, I mean, I’m 49, so, like, when you go through the records that you– you stop buying them at some point, right around when CDs came out. I don’t even know when that was. In the late ’80s maybe? But you can go through your whole life with these records that you have. Like, I could see, like, okay, I was trying to, you know, relate to the townies I grew up with. Here’s some Skynyrd, some Bad Company. Had to do that. And then at some point, you know, like, “Oh, that’s where I met the guy in college.” All right, so… then all of a sudden you’re like, “There’s a lot of Bowie and some Eno and some Fripp. “And then there’s, like– oh, there’s college. There’s OMD and”– I was a little confused, and… I go through a little gray area there with who you were, and then you sort of move into jazz and other stuff. But I got this tube amp. The story of the tube amp is essentially– you know, a tube amp is what you play records through if you want it to be pure, you know, pure tube sound. Just like, from the record to the speaker, no fucking with it. So I interviewed Jack White. I’m not dropping names. It happened. So I interview Jack White, and I go down to his place, right? And in his studio office, he’s got a wall of McIntosh tube amps, all right? These are the best– American-made, beautiful, right? And I’ve always been fascinated with them, and I’m like, “He’s got, like, 15 of them,” so in my mind I’m like, “If he’s got 15, I could afford one, right?” So I get back to L.A., and I immediately go price McIntosh amps. I go into one place, and I’m like, “That’s the one I want. I said, “Jack White has those, man. How much is that one?” The guy goes, “$14,000.” And, look, I could have put it on my credit card, but the truth of the matter is, if you don’t have $14,000 to comfortably throw away on a fucking tube amp, there’s no way you’re gonna enjoy music through that thing. If I would have bought that thing, every record I put on, I’d be sitting there going, “Uh, this doesn’t sound like $14,000. “Maybe I move this knob. No, it still doesn’t sound like $14,000.” And then eventually you’d go over to some other guy’s house, and he just had a cheap setup and you’d listen to the same record and it’d sound perfect, and you just sit there going, “I’m a fucking idiot.” So I found a more reasonably priced tube amp, and then I decided, now that I’m back into records– this has been hanging over me since high school. I’m like, “I’ve got to understand Beefheart.” Now, like, okay, some of you are gonna get this shit. Other–I don’t know– you know. Captain Beefheart has been hanging over me, like this weird, you know, cryptic– you know, I can’t even– I’m not even– I will never be smart enough or large enough of mind to assess and understand Captain Beefheart. Like, it’s just been hanging there, but as soon as I start getting into records, I was like, “I got to fucking understand Beefheart.” And the day came where I bought my stuff and– okay, it was a Sunday morning. My girlfriend was hungover. I remember this well, because, like, there’s a couple things I could do when my girlfriend’s hungover– generally would be to reprimand her and wake up and go, “You don’t feel good, right? “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have drank “and made a fool out of yourself and me. “Wouldn’t that have been a good thing if you didn’t fucking do that?” And, you know, just keep pushing until she cried. Because I don’t really know if someone loves me if I can’t make them cry. So… Isn’t that the test for all of us, really? If you’re with somebody and you don’t know if you can make them cry, I’d really go deeper. Wouldn’t trust that bond. But I made a different choice that morning. I went with, “Hey, baby. You feel shitty? Look, you want me to go get you a breakfast burrito?” So that was how I treated it, but I knew that the record store was right next to the breakfast burrito place. All right? So I go to Atwater Village, and I go to the burrito place, and I go up–there’s a Latino guy there, which I expected. I’m not racist, but I was like, “Oh, yeah, of course you’re here.” So I ordered the burrito from him, and then I go three doors down to the record store, and I must have–I was almost in, like, a panic. You know, I just walk into this record store, and it was only open for, like, ten minutes. I just barge in. I’m like, “Beefheart! Where’s the Beefheart?” And the the guy in there, it was almost as if he was expecting me. He’s like, “Yep.” And, like… And he walks me over to this bin, and I’m like, “Which one? Which one?” “Safe as Milk.” “All right, this is the one? All right, good.” And as I’m walking out, I see there’s a sealed Kraftwerk album, and I’m like, “Well, I’m still kind of gay.” So, like, I get that. So I got Kraftwerk, and I got Beefheart, and I purchase it, and I go back to the burrito place. I timed it right to pick up her burrito. You know, and then I’m waiting on the line. I got my records, and there’s some big old weird-looking dude behind me, and I approached the Latino kid, and he says, “What’d you get?” I’m like, “You wouldn’t understand.” That’s what I’m doing in my mind. So I go, “I got Captain Beefheart.” He’s like, “Oh, really? Which one?” I’m like, “Safe as Milk.” He’s like, “That’s a good start.” I’m like, “Who the fuck are you?” You know? And then it just became this pocket of weirdness, because I was like, “All right, so he’s on to it.” You know? And then, like, I’m walking– I turn around and go walk out and the guy behind me is this large–kind of looks like– you know, he looks like the dude– he lived through the ’60s and, you know, survived it. He had heard the exchange with the Latino guy, and then as I’m walking out, I hear him right here to the side of my head go, “Trying to catch up, huh?” But it was like–to me, it didn’t even come off as an insult. Like, I walked right by him, and I’m like, “That is all I’m doing.” I mean, I think in every aspect of my life, that is all I’m doing. So then I felt like, “That was the Buddha. That guy was the Buddha,” and I so wanted to go back and have him not be there and then ask the Latino guy, “Where’s that guy that was behind me?” And have the Latino guy go, “There was no one behind you.” Yeah, so that’s–yeah, so I’m doing the vinyl thing. Vinyl midlife crisis. I didn’t anticipate doing that story at all. “Why are you sitting weird?” I don’t know. Honestly, though, like, I didn’t prepare that well, ’cause that’s just the way I do it. I don’t–like, I don’t believe in preparing. I personally don’t really like preparers. They’re annoying people, generally. Like, you know, it’s like, “I really prepared for this.” Well, you’re a coward. You know? Where’s your sense of adventure? How important is it that you– like, you know, why set yourself up for that? You know what I mean? Everyone with this careerist culture, you know? This sort of, like, trajectory thing. You know, it’s gonna kill you. You’re gonna end up lonely at the end and not doing what you want to do. Don’t prepare, man. Just load up. [laughter] I think that’s the key. I think I’m rationalizing, though. Clearly I’m rationalizing, because that’s my system. I mean, this is my system. It’s right there on the floor. Why did I bring notebooks out here? What, am I gonna look at notebooks? Is that why I brought them out here? It’s ridiculous. I’m more professional. I’ve been doing this half my fucking life. I’m gonna bring notebooks out? It’s to prove a point. It’s to prove a point. I’ll show you in a minute. I just–I… I don’t prepare because– look, it’s my system. How’s that? In my mind, if I don’t prepare and I pull this off, I’m a fucking genius. I’m a genius. Right? And if I don’t pull it off, I didn’t prepare. If I would have set my mind to it, I would have nailed that shit, but, no, I didn’t prepare, because I like to roll the dice, man. Feel alive! What’s gonna happen? I don’t know. I might fail. All right. Fuck them. That would be you. I’m not gonna blame myself for that. So–yeah, the reason I brought this out here, ’cause I know a lot of you are creative people, and I just wanted to share my system of success. I choose to write on hotel stationary. This is how I write. This is the process. Can you read that? I can’t read that. That’s also part of my process, is be sure to impulsively write quickly with a borrowed writing instrument in a cursive that is unreadable, because this is just phase one of the process. The second phase is decoding, understanding the text. Sure, write smaller and underline occasionally. That’s good too. Or perhaps you can get to a point where, hey, let’s get to the final part where you type it up, right? Right there, that’s an almost finished joke, and over here, written is a punch line. I can’t read it. See? Make it challenging at all levels. This is a system that’s kept me out of the big time for 25 years, right here. The reason I’m illustrating it to you is that… my system sort of looks like this. When I write, I don’t write jokes, I write thoughts, and I think the action of actually doing the writing is what’s important to me. It’s not whether or not I remember it or anything. So my writing process is, I could be in a coffee shop, I could be standing on a bank line with their deposit slips, maybe waiting at a cash register. So my process looks something like this. “Oh, shit. Fuck. “You got a pen? Do you have a pen? “Just hand me that. “Can I–hand me that piece of paper. “Thank–pen? Okay. “Uh, okay, I got it. Thanks, man. Saved a life today.” You know, “All right.” So then I have the paper. So that’s really done. That’s the entire creative experience for me. It’s done, because a lot of them don’t ever go anywhere. So that piece of paper goes onto a stack of pieces of paper that look a lot like it– napkins and stuff. Now, the problem is, if I get too far away from those things, I don’t know what I was thinking, so if I ever get to them– like, I found a napkin not long ago, had three words on it, “auto erotic asphyxiation.” That was what was on the napkin. So that’s sort of a problem, right? ‘Cause now I got to sit there with that thing and go, “What was going on that day?” Like, I would have remembered if I did that. I mean, that– ’cause that’s a big day. That’s kind of a game-changer. I mean, you don’t do that and go, “Oh, fuck, yeah, I remember. I did that.” No, if you do that once, you do that. You’ve done that. And, then, like, I’m looking at it, and I remember, “Oh, I was in a hotel room.” I decided at some point that autoerotic asphyxiation is strictly a hotel room activity. That–like, no one is doing that at home. You know, I picture men leaving on business trips, saying, “Honey, where’s that belt I always bring? “You know, the one with the weird markings? I know I’m not that skinny. I don’t know how that happened.” All right. But then I decided that autoerotic asphyxiation was discovered or invented in a hotel room. This was my logic. I spent a lot of time in hotels. I travel alone for my job. I’m under the impression that if you go out on the road, whether it’s for business or pleasure, and you stay at a hotel alone for at least a night, at some point during your stay, you will find yourself in that hotel room alone, thinking this: “I want to fucking kill myself.” It’s gonna happen. It’s a hotel room. But if you’re me, like, three minutes later you’ll say, “No, I’ll just jerk off.” So how long before one day you’re like, “Hey, maybe we can bring these two things together. “Maybe we can take this masturbation thing “to the next level. “I want this to be life-threatening. “I want to push the envelope. I’m not really a sports guy, but extreme wanking I could handle.” Now, look, I know a lot of you clammed up on that, but this is just the way my brain works. I have not done it, so don’t judge me in that way. I’m not saying it’s outside of the realm of possibility. I may do it, and I know exactly how it would go down. I know exactly how it would happen. It would be– probably be after a show. Maybe this one. I would get back to my hotel room, and I’d be all jacked up from the show, and I’d be like, “Fuck. What am I gonna do now? “Fuck, I’m gonna do it. Fuck it. “I’m gonna do it. “All right, I know I need a belt. “Okay? “I had a good set. I earned this. “I think, what, you got to hang from a door. “That’s how those guys end up in the paper. “Wait–should I pull my pants down now or wait? “Oh, fuck. Google it. Google. “Autoerotic asphyxiation: “how. “Holy shit–I would have died if I did it that way. “I would have fucking died. “Oh, fuck. I lived. I’m just gonna do it regular. That was crazy.” I spend a lot of time in hotels. I do. It’s just part of the job. It’s just part of my life. And I don’t mind it. I got nothing to complain about. I mean, I got to wake up early sometimes to enter a morning zoo format. I have to get up to do morning zoo radio. [grumbles] As many of you know, in every great city or lesser city in this country there’s a morning zoo situation happening, and comics sometimes have to enter that situation and play along to sell tickets. Now, as many of you know, a morning zoo format, traditionally there is a main guy, a laughing guy, and a baffled and shocked woman. That’s the classic setup, give or take the woman or the laughing guy. If I were to do an impression of that, there was just sounds, it would be, “Bah. Bah-bah-bah. Bah-bah-bah.” [laughing hysterically] “Oh, fellas.” So I have to deal with that. Now, in this particular story, I’m in Cleveland at a hotel. I get up at 5:30, which quite honestly, is bullshit for anybody. 5:30 is bullshit. I mean, is it night? Is it fucking day? What the fuck is 5:30? I don’t care who you are, whether you have to wake up for it or you’ve been up all night for 5:30, it’s bullshit. Of course if you’ve been up all night for 5:30, you have other problems. Usually if you see the sun come up at 5:30, you’re saying something like, “Fuck, should we call the guy?” You know? “No, dude, we ran out at the right time.” “Fuck you, I need a bump for work.” “No, fuck you. You got a drug problem.” “You’re gonna tell me I have a fucking drug problem in my apartment, asshole?” “Yeah, you do. We don’t need more blow.” “Fuck you! “I just listened to you talk about your guitar “for four hours, “and you’re gonna tell me “that I can’t have another fucking bump? Get the fuck out of my apartment.” Sorry. Flashback. So I wake up at 5:30 to do morning radio, and I realize I had forgotten my toothbrush, so then there’s this dialogue that happens in my head. Like, one part of me is like, “You fucking idiot. “You’re a professional traveler. How could you forget your toothbrush, stupid?” And then the other part of me is like, “Hey, take it easy on us. You know, it happens.” And then the other guy is like, “Fuck you. Take it easy? It’s your fault, asshole.” And then a voice I don’t know goes, “Oh, fellas.” And then I realize, “Holy shit, “I can just call the front desk of the hotel “and you can ask them for a toothbrush,” and they will give you, like, half a toothbrush. Like, not even a real toothbrush. Like, this–you get it, and you’re like, “Why do they even bother making these?” So I call the front desk, and no one answers the phone. That’s a lonely feeling. Right? Why isn’t someone answering? There’s always supposed to be someone at the front desk at the hotel. Why aren’t they answering? That’s weird. What was weirder was my first thought when no one answered, my first real thought was, “Oh, fuck. Zombies.” And it wasn’t even a fake thought. It was a real fear in that moment. I don’t know what that says about us as a culture, that my first real fear was, “Oh, fuck. Zombies.” But I know it was genuine, because there were thoughts that followed. The thought that followed that was, “How many more are left like me? Should I be stockpiling food? Do I need a weapon?” These were practical questions. And then I remember, like, getting exasperated and taking a deep breath and thinking, “I’m not prepared to lead.” Like, I really hope there’s an alpha male out there with a rudimentary sense of tribalism that can lead me and a frightened multiethnic crew of people through this postapocalyptic zombie landscape, or I’m fucking food. I mean, I’m food in 20 minutes if that guy’s not fucking out there, you know? And then the woman picks up. “Sorry to keep you waiting. Can I help you?” And I go, “What is going on down there?” And she said, “Excuse me?” I’m like, “Why didn’t you answer? We’re in trouble!” And she said, “What’s the matter, sir? Can I help you?” I’m like, “I need a fucking toothbrush.” And she said, “There’s no reason for that language. I’ll send one up.” I’m like, “No zombies!” And then, like, I realize I just said that out loud to a person and that maybe I should clear something up. So I caught myself, and I thought this would take care of it. I’m like, “Hey, I’m sorry. I got to do radio.” Like that should make it understandable to someone who has no idea who I am or my life. So I’m sure she hung up and said, “There’s someone on meth upstairs. “But that doesn’t really add up because he asked for a toothbrush.” Yeah, so–yeah, so that’s it. That’s the life. Yeah. You guys are good. You’re a good audience. I attract a lot of sweet-looking people. I don’t know how that… But you know… When I was upstairs opening for Hicks, you guys wouldn’t have liked me at all. It’s a different style of comedy. I don’t know. I sort of evolved. Or devolved. I’m not sure what. Let’s see, what would Marc have been like? The guy that was upstairs. Here, I’ll try to capture the essence. [grunts] [groans] Uh-huh. Then somehow that just became… [sighs] Hey. No, but I judged you. But I judge in general. I think we all do. Like, I sat over there, and I looked at the audience. I’m like, “Oh, they look good.” You know, I judge. I judge everything. I judge all the time. I’m a great judger. I have shitty judgment, but I’m a great judger. I’ll judge the fuck out of almost everything. I fucking love it. I’ll own it. I hate when people say, “Hey, don’t judge.” I’m like, “Fuck you. Don’t take away my hobbies.” I mean, if there is a god, why should he have all the fun? I love to fucking judge. What does that even mean, “Don’t judge”? What does the resting human brain do other than go, “What the fuck is that guy?” I mean, what are you gonna do? I mean, there’s really– there’s eating. There’s, “Oh, I’m working now.” And, like, “That guy’s an idiot.” That’s all there is. And then fucking, but you’re usually judging at least for a few minutes during that, till you lose yourself and then you think you’re a hero of some kind. But… I don’t even know what that meant, but I think it makes sense. But the point is, I learned a lesson about judgment. There’s a story that I want to tell, because I think it’s an important story to tell. I’m at a hotel in Montreal. All that’s happening in this story is, I’m walking towards an elevator. That’s it. I am walking towards an elevator. There’s a guy in front of me about 20 feet walking towards the elevator. He’s wearing shorts. That’s all that’s happening. Now, I don’t know what’s going on with me that day. I’m sure there’s something on my mind, but I do know that when I looked up and noticed that guy, my brain went, “Fuck those shorts.” But that angry. I mean, immediately. Like, “Who the fuck? What kind of fucking idiot–” Like, I was that hostile. Now, we’ve all had that happen. You see somebody you don’t know dressed a certain way, and you’re just walking down the street and you’re like, “Oh, fuck you. “Now your weird attempt at self is cluttering my fucking brain? “Like, what are you trying to present me here? “What era are you going for? Where are we? “I mean, is that a real beard? Is that a coffee shop beard? “Is that a ‘the Jews run the government, “I shit in an outhouse’ beard? “What are you trying to do? “Do you need those glasses, or are you just a glasses delivery system?” Anyways, you get what I’m saying. And I’ve made bad choices in that area. I’ve been on the other side of that. There is footage of me on Conan O’Brien, 1992, sitting confidently beside him, wearing black leather pants and a black velvet Nehru jacket. That exists in the world. I left my house thinking that was a good idea, that I could transcend that outfit in a non-ironic way and be funny. What the fuck was I thinking? I mean, did I leave my house thinking, like, “I’m Bono. You know, I can do this.” All right, back to the elevator. So by the time I get to the elevator, I’m seething with anger at that guy’s pants choice. Literally, like, “You’re a fucking idiot. “People wouldn’t even wear those shorts on vacation. You’re so fucking– How the fuck–” Like, I was so furious. I was seething, right? And I hadn’t even seen him from the front yet. We get on the elevator, he turns around, and he’s got a scar that starts on the center of his forehead and goes all the way around his skull. My only thought in that moment was, “Oh, you can wear ’em.” But I don’t even– what does that even mean? Like, what went through my mind? Like, let’s do, like, a montage. All right, first shot, he turns around. My thought, “What happened to your head, man?” Right? Second thought was probably, “That must have been touch-and-go for at least an afternoon.” You know, concerned family wandering the hospital hallways, the whole bit. Then the third thought must have been, like, “Well, you’ve earned the right to pretty much wear whatever you want, pal.” And I guess the final thought was, “Oh, I’m gonna give you a pass today, “’cause I’m the king of this elevator, “and you’re my guest. What floor would you like?” Yeah, I don’t believe in God, and I don’t… It’s not because– I’m not an atheist. I don’t call myself an atheist. I just don’t give a shit, really. Is that okay? I mean, I think it’s a pretty enviable position to be in, because it pisses people off more than atheists. ‘Cause, like, if someone goes, “Do you believe in God?” and you’re like, “I don’t give a fuck,” they’re like, “Well, what does that even mean? Pick a side! What the fuck?” Atheists are annoying. They’re annoying. And I think they just like to– they’re control freaks who like to argue. They like to win. You know, they’re buzzkill poetry assassins. I don’t understand, you know, what it is they’re after, exactly. And now they think they’re the minority voice. You know, they’re like, “Come on, we’re the minority voice. “We have to have our point of view too, and why isn’t our voice out there?” Because it’s shrill and annoying, and no one really wants to hear it, but… That’s really the only reason. We understand your point. It’s just when you talk about it, we just hate you. And I certainly wouldn’t want to have lunch with an atheist, ’cause I know where that goes within ten minutes. I’d be just screaming, like, “All right! “You’re right! Shut up! You win! What do you need?” And you’re not even talking about God. You’re just talking about lunch or anything. They’re just annoying. Now, my bigger question about atheists is that, has there ever been a moment where they’ve actually talked a believer out of their god? And what does that moment look like? If that is their agenda, what does that moment look like, given the atheists that perhaps you know? Seriously. All right, I’ve created an analogy. I picture it going like this. There’s some dude just walking down the street, and things have been hard for him, and he’s probably thinking like, “You know, things aren’t going well, “but, you know, I got God in my heart, “and that makes me feel better. “You know, he gives me hope that things are gonna be okay. God’s looking out for me.” And then out of the bushes jumps an atheist. [screams] “There’s no god! You’re living a lie! “There’s no proof! You believe in a cartoon! It’s a delusion, stupid!” And then the guys just goes, “Oh, I never thought about it like that. “Oh, no. I think you’re right. “I think you’re right. There’s no God. Everything’s just bad. It’s just bad.” What does an atheist do at that moment? “Boom! Who wins? “Yeah! “Oh, I won! I’m gonna go tell my shitty friends.” My point is, there are no atheist soup kitchens. [scattered applause] So just shut up. And if there were– if there were an atheist soup kitchen, no homeless people would go there. They’d be like, “No, they’re depressing and annoying. “The food’s better, but it ain’t worth it, man. “Let’s just go over to where the sisters are and fucking have a warm meal.” Vegans too. Like, look, I get it. I understand you have an ideological eating disorder. But I don’t want to have lunch with you either, ’cause I know how that goes. 15 minutes in that lunch, I’m gonna be like, “All right, I’m not gonna eat it. “Are you happy? “We didn’t save a pig. We wasted one. “I know they’re smart. I get it. “Okay, look. You know what? “Why don’t you go to where the smart pigs are “and lead a smart pig revolution? “If you showed up and just converged on a town “with a bunch of smart pigs, “if you could find talking pigs, “all the more awesome, all right? “If you did that, I would never eat meat again, and I think it would be hilarious.” An atheist vegan, that would be horrendous. Right? I would rather spend an hour with a reasonable Christian on a mission than spend, like, any time at all with an atheist vegan. ‘Cause I know what I’m getting into with a reasonable Christian on a mission, right? I know that one. All right, let’s picture it. I’ll do my side of that conversation. I’m approached by a reasonable Christian on a mission on the street. Let’s go there now. “Oh, hi. “Wow, yes, I am lost. “It is sad. “Okay, wait. Stop right there. I got a question. “What if I let him into my heart and then I want him out? “Is there any way to get Jesus out of your heart “once he’s in there? “Like, do people ever experience chest pains? They’re like, ‘Jesus wants out. He wants out.'” Look, I got nothing against Jesus. Like, if you want to hang your hopes on a flying Jew, that’s fine. I’m not here to take God away from anybody. I’m not here to mock the myths that define you. The bottom line is, the only reason I’m like this is, I wasn’t brought up with God, so I don’t have one. The only way you get God is if you’re brought up by parents that pounded it into your head, ’cause they’re frightened and think it’s the right way to do things, ’cause they don’t know how to control you and they’re nervous and they think that will help somehow. So either you get it when you’re a kid or your life goes so far off the rails that you’re left with no choice but to reach out to something bigger than you to fucking keep your sanity. Those are the only two ways you can get God. Either you’re brought up with it, or you either metaphorically or literally find yourself in a puddle of your own pee, you know, perhaps bleeding from someplace, it’s not even clear at that moment, and you’re just sitting there saying something like, “Where’s my shoe? Where’s my shoe? I’m in trouble.” And then, like Jiminy Cricket, Jesus shows up. [whistles] And you go, “Jesus, you’re here.” And Jesus goes, “Yes, my son, and I have your shoe.” So there’s that moment, the born-again moment. And most people go with Jesus at that moment, when they’re broken like that. But I found that that’s also a crossroads. If you’re not gonna go for Jesus, you’re not gonna go for Jesus, but I find that there’s this weird line where, like, your life goes off the rails, and either you’re gonna go with Jesus or, from my experience, you’re gonna go become a massage therapist. These seem to be the two avenues for broken, lost people. They’re gonna go with Jesus, or they’re gonna be like, “I just want to touch people in a healing way.” And yoga instructor. Whatever you’re gonna do. Spiritual. There’s another problem. Okay, so you’re spiritual. Do you have a god? “No. I have a mat.” Look, I don’t want to talk about religion forever. You know, I was born a Jew, and I remain a Jew, culturally. But I’m not a Jewy Jew. You know, I don’t–you know. And quite frankly I have a problem with the Hasidim. I resent them. They make me uncomfortable, and I think they’re freakish, and they bother me. And I don’t know why I can feel comfortable saying that. You know, why do I think it’s okay for me to say shitty things about the Hasidim? ‘Cause what are they gonna do? They gonna, you know, write me an email? Are they going to engage me online? [with Jewish accent] “I really don’t understand “why you would say that about your own kind. Are you not a Jew?” I’m like, “Yeah, but you guys are freaks and you dress funny.” “But that’s just the way we believe.” “Like, how are you even writing in this accent?” Um… I think they just annoy me, because, like, it’s got to be something I’m jealous of. There’s got to be something that bothers me about them, you know, as a Jew. I think it’s because, literally, like, some part of my brain thinks, “Well, they’ve got ritual, they’ve got discipline, “they’ve got community, they’ve got beliefs. They’ve got all that stuff.” They never wake up in the morning and say, “What am I gonna wear today?” You know? “How about the leather pants and the black Nehru jacket? What would the Rebbe think about that?” [chuckles] But I do think they’re freaks. I will drive through Hasidic areas as if they’re wildlife parks, with, like, the same energy. Like, “Ooh, they’re out. They’re out. “It must be feeding time or the Sabbath. “Oh, speed up. They’re coming towards the car. Oh, my God–they’re doing the Fiddler dance.” [imitates If I Were a Rich Man] That’s wrong, as a Jew, to do that, to talk about other Jews like that. I don’t know. I grew up in the middle class, you know, just conservative American Jew guy. You know, you’re not that invested in it. You get your Bar Mitzvah, do the thing. Go to the stupid temple, where they have the dumb gift shop, the shitty watercolors of Hasidim at the Wall. You make fun of ’em when you’re a kid. Like, “Those are bad.” And the lady’s like, “Those were done by a member of our congregation.” “Yeah, but they still suck.” “Yeah, well, he’s a survivor.” “Oh, why doesn’t he paint that? “You don’t think watercolor can handle the camps? Why condescend an already under-appreciated medium?” But the weird thing about being just an American Jew is that there’s this– underneath all of it, even if you’re not religious, which I never was– I was just culturally Jewish– there’s this drumbeat beneath all America Judaism. Like, “You will go to Israel, “and you will love Israel. “Israel was built for us. “You will go there and love it “and send it money and let it do whatever it wants to, “whoever it wants to, even if it’s wrong.” And eventually you’ll go to Israel. You won’t necessarily know why you’re there, but you’ll go there. Like, I went there with my first wife, the Jew. That was a mistake. I–what? I married a Jew. It was a mistake. I just found that if you’re a Jew and you marry a Jew, that means everything you hated about going home is now in your house. Some people find that comforting. I found it disconcerting and a little uncomfortable for me. It’s amazing. Like, when you marry a Jew, if you’re a Jew, that’s the day you become an old Jewish person. You don’t realize it, but it’s encultured into you. That’s when the switch goes on. I married her, I was in my 30s. Within two weeks of marrying her, I was just a 30-year-old angry Jewish guy with his own mind and point of view. Within three weeks of marrying a Jew, I talked like this, “What? “What do you mean, ‘Where are we gonna eat’? We’ll eat where you want to eat.” How’d that happen? Who am I? All right. Let’s get back to Israel real quick, and then we’ll move on to other things. So some point during that marriage we went to Israel, ’cause we were Jews and we were programmed to go to Israel. Now, when you go to Israel, you’re supposed to get there and be like, “I’m home. Finally I understand where my heart is.” That’s how you’re supposed to feel when you get off the plane is Israel. That was not my experience. I literally– the plane door opened, I got on the stairs, and I was like, “We have to get the fuck out of here. “We really– that guy’s got a gun. “There’s chaos. “I don’t even know why we’re here. “There seems to be problems that have nothing to do with us. Why is this a vacation?” And then other Jews will comfort you and go, “No, no, it’s right. It’s good.” And then you’re like, “Okay, let’s go on the rides.” And then… So then you spend some time walking by ruins, just piles of rocks that used to be other things, with pictures of what they used to be, and you go, “Oh, look at that. Yep, it was Jewish.” And then… and then you go by some other rocks, and you’re like, “What is this? Oh, it wasn’t Jewish. Mm.” And then eventually you’ll end up at the Wailing Wall. That’s the big payoff, man. That’s, like, home turf for the Hasidim. That’s the big thing there. That’s where they all go to cluster. What you don’t realize, though, is that’s where Hasidic Jews come from, the real ones. Like, I don’t know if you know this, but if you go to the Wailing Wall early enough in the morning, it’s just hats on the ground. And if you look at, like, a time-lapse photograph of the day, you literally like… That’s a little secret that a lot of you non-Jews didn’t know about. They come right out of the ground in Israel. Yeah. So, all right–so let’s move on. Let’s move on to some other things to talk about. I… I’m trying to mix it up. [laughs] There’s things in my mind, man. Oh, I’m fucking sweating. My stomach was hurting before. I don’t know how that happened. I’ve been traveling a lot, and I didn’t feel nervous about coming out here, because, like, I trust you people. I think we’re okay. But, like, maybe my stomach was–I don’t know. Like, I’ve always been an anxious, nervous, person, and I would have psychosomatic events. Is that the word? Did I ever tell you that story about how I cured being a hypochondriac? Do you know that story? That’s a good story. My father was a doctor, which means I was a hypochondriac. How else are you gonna get their attention? Now… Am I gonna tell– okay, let’s do it. When you grow up with a dad who’s a doctor, you have access to other doctors, and–well, here’s the story. I was at college, I was a sophomore in college, and somewhere about a month or so before Christmas break, I decided that I had M.S. So I started calling my father. Like, “Dad, I have M.S.” And he’s like, “You don’t have M.S.” I’m like, “How do you know? How do you know? “You haven’t examined me. I don’t know how you would know that.” He goes, “I know you don’t have M.S.” He goes, “What are your symptoms?” I’m like, “I don’t know. My hands are tingly.” “Son, you don’t have M.S. Are you drinking coffee?” I’m like, “I drink coffee.” “It’s probably coffee.” “No, I have M.S.” And then–okay. So he hangs up. And then, like, a couple weeks later, I’m like–I call him up. “I have M.S. I still have M.S.” He’s like, “You don’t have M.S.” And then that ends that conversation. And then, like, a week before– maybe a week before, I call him up and I’m like, “Dad, I have prostate cancer. I have prostate cancer.” He goes, “How do you know?” “I don’t know. “It hurts down by my balls and stuff, “and I think I have prostate cancer. It kind of hurts on my butt cheeks and stuff.” And he’s like, “You don’t have prostate cancer.” I’m like, “I do.” And then I called him every day for a week. Just–“I have prostate cancer. I have prostate cancer.” He’s like, “You’re too young for prostate cancer.” “I know I have it.” So I get off the plane when I got home. It’s, like, 6:00 or 7:00 at night, and my father says, “We’re going to Bob Rosen’s house to get you examined.” This a urologist friend of his. So he’s taking me to a man’s house to be examined for prostate cancer. So he picks me up at the airport. He’s like, “No, we’re going now.” I’m like, “I don’t think that’s– why can’t I just go to his office?” “No, you have prostate cancer. We’re gonna go now.” So we drive to this guy’s house, who– he doesn’t know we’re coming. So… We walk up to the door, my father knocks on the door, and Bob literally is like– he shows up, he’s got a napkin, he’s wiping his mouth. I see his family’s at the dinner table. My father goes, “My son thinks he has prostate cancer. Can you take a look?” And Bob’s like, “I don’t know what you mean.” He’s–“Well, come on in.” And then he goes back to the table, he puts a napkin down, and then he walks me and my father into his bedroom, and we’re all standing there, and I’m like, “This in any other situation would be illegal. “Whatever’s happening, whatever’s about to happen, this is bad.” And thank God Bob says, “You know what, he should probably come to the office. I don’t think this is the place to do this.” And my father’s like, “Are you sure? Is that all right with you, kid?” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s probably better.” All right, so, Bob didn’t finger-bang me in his bedroom. With my father watching, nonetheless. So this is how I cured my hypochondriac-ness. Hypochondria. All right, so I go to Bob’s office. Does the horrible examination. It’s very difficult. You know, when you’re a man, this is– I know women have their thing, but I’m not a woman. I know that as a dude, I got to go in and get finger-banged by a guy, you know, once a year, in a clinical way, but it’s always awkward. It’s never a pleasant situation. The most awkward part about is, like, you get to a certain age where it’s about to happen, and it goes in and you’re like, “Oh, I kind of get this. Wait, I’m not changing my life.” So… But… It does seem to do something. But, okay, so he gives me the examination, and then he, you know, he dives in. It’s really hard. I don’t want to go into it. But he does the examination. It turns out I had something. I had something. Huh? Yay. I had some sort of prostatitis, which my dad gets too. It’s some sort of–you know, sensitive to it or what. So I had something. Great. I was right. Now, what happens next is, a week later, it’s supposed to be gone, but I still feel it, right? So I go into Bob’s office, and I go, “I think I still have it.” He goes, “No, you’ve been on antibiotics for 12 days. It’s gone.” I’m like, “No, I’m pretty sure that I have it still.” He’s like, “No, you don’t have it.” I’m like, “I don’t know.” He goes, “You want me to examine you again?” “If you have to.” So he does it again. I do it again. I get finger-banged by Bob Rosen again. Twice. Okay. So now, like, another week goes by, I’m about to go back to school, and I decide I have herpes on my cock. Now, the irony of this is, I had not had sex. I had somehow gotten it from something. It was a unique case. [laughs] So I, you know–sadly, I probably just, like– I probably just jerked off too hard. That was the sad part about it. Like, all right, anyways… Look, I didn’t want to do this story. All right, so… So now I got to go back to Bob Rosen. So this is–like, I’ve been at this house. I’ve been finger-banged by him twice. And now a week later I’m going back with herpes that isn’t even there. So I go into Bob’s office and I go– he’s like, “What’s up?” and I’m like, “I’m pretty sure I got herpes.” “Have you had sex recently?” “No, I’ve never had it.” “Then how do you think you–” “I just think I have herpes.” And so he goes, “All right, take your pants down.” So I take my pants down, and he sits down, and rolls up one of those chairs, you know. And he’s got my cock in his hands. He’s holding my cock. And he looks at it, and he goes, “You know, there’s nothing here, Marc. Do you like coming here?” And that ended my hypochondriacal period. That was the end of that. Sealed. Nipped that in the bud. I should tell you the Viagra story now. Has to do with another doctor. I have doctor things. Some of you know that I’ve been divorced a couple times, and the divorce from the second wife was particularly horrible. And I remember, like, I was in the middle of that, and I had to get my checkup. You know, you got to get your yearly checkup. So I had a doctor here in town, Dr. Jay [bleep]. Maybe I should change his name. I think it’ll be all right. I don’t say anything bad about him. But he was, like, this 75-year-old guy. Classic, you know, old Jewish doctor. He’s the kind of guy– like a little Jewish Buddha. He looked like a well-worn piece of Semitic furniture. You know, he’s the kind of guy you walk into his office, you’re like, “How you doing, Dr. [bleep]?” He’d say, “I’m 75. How do I look?” You know, he was that guy. You know, and then by that point, like, you know, he’d been doing some painting, so he’d have to walk around his office, “I’m painting now.” And he’d have to walk around and… “It’s great. A watercolor of Jews at the Wall.” So… I’m broken up, you know. I’m, like, in the middle of this divorce. I’m heartbroken, you know? So, you know, we do the exam, you know, and he’s very stealth about it. There’s no big drama about the–whatever. You know, he says, “You know, what’s going on with you in your life, you know?” And I tell him about the divorce and everything, and he’s like, “Well, that’s”– I literally spent 20 minutes telling him about my heartbreak. And he looks at me, and he’s also the kind of Jew that just, like, makes everything like an adage. You know, like, I go– I just lay it all out for him, and he looks at me and goes, “People make a mess.” You know, and then I’m like, “Okay.” And then he goes, “At least you have your health.” So I’m like, “All right, well, that’s good. Everything checks out.” And I’m walking out, and I’m like, “Well, thanks for listening, and thanks for the examination. People make a mess.” I’m actually repeating it to myself. “At least I have my health.” And then as I’m walking out, he goes, “Marc, come back in here.” And I’m like, “What? What’s the matter? Is there a problem?” He goes, “Sit down.” And I sit down. This little, old Jewish guy, he looks at me and goes, “Have you tried Viagra?” And, like, when you’re a dude, you know, there’s part of you that thinks, like, “I don’t need that. I’m fine. “My angry Jew cock is in working order and seeking revenge on a weekly basis.” So I literally–I look at him. I go, “I don’t need Viagra.” And his little Jewish man, his face lights up. He goes, “It’s not about need. “This is a great drug. No side effects. It’s terrific.” So now I got to picture him, you know, like, just this– [laughs] This, like, weird little, you know, sack of sand with a protruding nub. You know, like… And he goes, “Let me give you a few.” So I’m like, “You know, I’m a drug guy at heart.” And I’m like, “All right, didn’t take my–yeah. I’ll take some of these.” So I had, like, three of these fucking blue pills, you know, in a little sample pack, three or four of them, and I had never taken them before. I knew what they were supposed to do. I didn’t, you know, ever take ’em. I did a little research on them, you know? Do you know how much money those drugs make? I mean, they make millions of dollars. So in my mind, I was like, “Well, that means that, you know, “everyone’s doing ’em. “It’s not just those people you see, you know, “dancing in their living room on the commercial “or holding hands in bathtubs “or getting onto motorcycles “with too much gear at their age. “Everyone must be doing this. Everyone has at least tried it.” You know, so I’m just trying to justify it in my mind, you know? And then I started thinking, like, “Why don’t they market it to people like me? “I mean, I’m in trouble. I’m heartbroken. I fucking–I’m a mess.” And I pictured the ad campaign, you know. “Viagra–for when you want to fuck anything.” ‘Cause, you know, you could be crying, just sort of like, “I don’t know. I miss my wife. “This feels weird. Okay, I’m ready. Sit on it.” “Viagra– for when you want to fuck anything.” I tried ’em. I tried ’em a few times. They’re dangerous, man. Have you ever done it? Have you ever? You got to do it at least once, ’cause you don’t realize… you know, whatever you’re working with without them, it’s fine, but on them, you’re like, “Oh, my God.” It’s almost like, when you’re fucking on Viagra, there’s, like, a moment, like, where you look down at your cock and you think, “It doesn’t even need me.” Like… “Like, I wish I could just leave my body and sit over there “and jerk off to me doing this. That’s how good I’m doing.” Yeah, so… so don’t get too caught up with that stuff, ’cause it’s a lie. [chuckles] But it’s a fun lie. “So, wait, where do you go from there, exactly, Marc? Why are you talking to yourself out loud?” Look, you guys, I’m not an alpha guy. I just want to put that out there. Like, I think I act like an alpha guy, but I don’t think I am an alpha male, and I know that because when I lock eyes with a real alpha male, they know. I can read their face. There’s that moment, they’re like, “Say hi to that little girl in there.” I’m like, “Oh, fuck. They saw you. “They saw you. “Walk away. “He’s gonna want to talk about sports. “Walk away. Gonna bring up extreme wanking.” But, yeah, I’m not that guy. I’m not a sports guy. I mean, I just wasn’t brought up believing in it, and… But there’s still part of me, it’s weird. I’m 49. There’s still part of me that if I see, like, four high school guys wearing varsity jackets, there’s still part of my brain that thinks, “Oh, fuck, be cool. Just be cool.” I’m not even on their radar. I mean, like, unless it’s for one of them to say, “Why is that old guy acting weird?” You know, and in my brain, I’m like, “Leave me alone. I’m just going to my locker. I’m just going to my locker.” But, okay, let’s get to sports. I’m not a sports guy for a very specific reason. I also think I’m a comedian for a very specific reason, and it has to do with my parents, ’cause they can go fuck themselves. Look, if your parents ever sent you to more than one summer camp in the summer, it wasn’t about you having a good time. They wanted you out of the house. They didn’t want to deal with you anymore. And they’ll try to push it off on you, like, “You need to learn new things.” And like, “When is a Jewish kid gonna need to ride a horse? “Seriously, when am I gonna need to ride a horse? “What situation will I ever be in “where I’m like, ‘Thank God I went to that camp “‘where they all made fun of me ’cause I can ride this horse right out of here’?” My mother also found me a guitar teacher that was a guy who was married. They were these two Christian hippies, little chubby Christian hippies, and they would come, they would pick me up at school, they would take me to swim practice, they would take me out to dinner, and then they’d take me home to their house and teach me guitar. And my mother would say, “How was your guitar lesson?” And I would say, “With my other parents? It was fine.” My mother is a professional anorexic, and I say that– I say that because it’s her job. It’s not a sickness. She manages it. If you were to ask my mother, “What do you do for a hobby?” She would say, “I maintain a weight of 116 pounds.” And you would say, “That’s your life?” “Yes, that’s–all my life goes into that.” So that’s my mom. Thought it’d be funnier. But I… ‘Cause this next part really needs a buffer. I really… I think for the first nine years of my life, I was a fat kid, and I really believe my mother just saw me as some sort of weird extension of her fat, and I think that she thought if she could just stop eating, then maybe the kid would disappear. [groans] I can’t frame that any funnier. But–just saying it that time made me hurt a little bit. Let’s get to the funny part. At some point my mother decided “Maybe we should put Fat Marc”– she never referred to me that way out loud, but I could see it. “I think Fat Marc should be on peewee little league.” I showed no interest in sports. I didn’t care about sports. I was not guided that way. I never played catch with my dad, because playing catch with my dad would have been like throwing the ball… away. All right. So she puts Fat Marc on peewee little league. All right, now, when you’re fat and you’re on peewee little league, you’re in the outfield, ’cause no one’s going to hit that far, and if it does get out that far, it’s gonna hit the ground and it’s just gonna be bouncing. It’s not a big deal. So Fat Marc is out in center field. Got a fat left-fielder. Got the fat right-fielder. We’re just out there being fat. We’re the fat outfield. All right, maybe a little chatter, hitting the glove a little bit. “Hey, batter, batter. “What does this even mean? Why are we saying this like this?” You know, maybe a little chitchat with the other guy. “Hey, are you gonna get a Snickers or a snow cone after? “I’m probably gonna get both. “I’m gonna get a rainbow snow cone and try to eat it before it turns purple.” All right. And, look, I got to be honest with you. I was not prone–you know, I’m fairly athletic. I could probably pull it off, but I was afraid of the ball, man. But, like, at that time, like, you know, batting– this is how I would bat. Catching. But this was me in the picture. [applause] All right, so here’s what happens, and this was a life-changing event. We’re gonna try and work through this. I’ve made a promise to myself to work through this. I’m out there in center field, just being fat. We’re having our time out there, all right? We’re just kicking the dirt around. And then I heard that sound. It’s an unmistakable sound. Everyone knows that sound. It was the crack of a bat. And my first reaction was to look at the other guy. And then I look over at that guy, and he’s pointing at the air, and there’s a ball just suspended in the air, coming towards Fat Marc. The coach is saying, “Get under it! Get under it!” And I’m backing up, and I know this is– like… [groans softly] You know, it’s right there. And then in my memory, there was a sprinkler, all right, that–my heel caught on a sprinkler. I’m pretty sure it was there, all right? I can’t be sure. It might just be something I put in there to– you know, to buffer the shame of what’s going to happen next, which is me falling backwards onto the ground and the ball bouncing off of my face. So I was under it. I got that part of the equation correct. Now, in my mind, at that point, the coach is yelling, “Get up, you fat fuck! “Field it, fatty! Come on!” Now, that’s obviously revisionism. I don’t think a coach would talk that way to a fat kid, right? I probably made that up to make the shame worse. So now it’s not really a ball game as much as it is a fat kid crying, which on some level, in my mind, is like, “Well, it was all about me for that time.” It would have been a better moment to be like, “I caught it. I caught it.” But, like… [wailing] That’s all right? Like, on some level, if you’re that self-absorbed and you want to be the center of attention, it succeeded in that way. But see, I really think, though– this is my point. I think if I would have caught that ball, I would have been a different person. I don’t think I would be up here talking to you. I think I would have been a well-adjusted person. I would have felt that feeling of esteem and maybe gone on to play more sports. Perhaps I would have, you know, now been at a pretty good job with a family and had, you know, guy friends that I would say things like, “Good talk, bro.” You know? Like, it could have been a whole different life for me if I just caught that ball. And some part of me needs closure, so if you don’t mind, I want to go through a psychodrama here where I’m going to walk Fat Marc off the field. I’m gonna walk Fat Marc off and just try to give him a heads up, which is a term he didn’t understand at this point. Just try to, you know, give him a heads up for what’s gonna happen. So let’s go there now. I’m gonna try to coach little, fat Marc. Here we go. Wow, that was ridiculous, what just happened. You were so close. You almost had that. You all right? It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Look, there’s a couple things I need to tell you about what’s gonna happen for you. First of all, there’s no going back to the dugout. This shit is done. You’re not gonna–there’s no more putting yourself in the position to be physically hurt. From here on out, it’s all gonna be thinky pain. What else can I tell you? Teamwork–that’s done. No more of that. No reason to believe in that shit. And quite honestly, from here on out, no sports heroes, not that you had ’em to begin with, but here on out, just loners, fragmented people, drug addicts, people who live on the margins. Comedians, rock stars– those are your people. Get used to it. And also I guess I can tell you quite honestly, it doesn’t get much better after this. On many different levels in your life, metaphorically, this situation will play out over and over again. You’re gonna very close to catching it, and then you will just end up crying. What else can I tell you about the immediate situation? Okay, you’re gonna get off the field, your mom’s gonna take you to Dairy Queen, she’s gonna let you eat a banana split, you’re gonna enjoy that, and an hour later, she’s gonna make you feel guilty about eating it. So that’s gonna happen. So quite honestly, she’s out too after this. You know, they’re both out. Mom and Dad are done. What else is gonna happen? Oh, at about 14 you start smoking cigarettes, which are really cool, but at 39 when you can’t breathe, not so cool. Cocaine is gonna come into play, about 15 years old. You’ll commit to that for about nine years of your adult life, which will also be very exciting, but a mistake. I don’t know, how can I sum this up? Okay, it’s gonna take a lifetime to walk this off. And you can quit crying now on the outside. And I think the big payoff is that, eventually, you know, because of this moment that you had on this field, and, holy shit, and let me just look around for a minute. No sprinkler. Because of this moment here, you’re gonna find yourself at age 49 on a stage in a basement in New York City in front of a room full of strangers, taping a special with no end to this story, really. There’s no end. So if you’d only caught that ball, we’d have a little closure on this bit. Thank you. [applause] All right, I’m glad we did this in a little space. This is the way to do it. Like, part of me–like, I think this is the way comedy is best. See, like, right here. You know, like that. I want to have that. I don’t want to do it in a theater. ‘Cause, like, all the specials that you see at theaters, it’s like there’s 900 people, and, like, this not–you know, comedy is not done like this: “How’s everybody doing? What’s going on? “What do you say? Funny time! Ow!” All right, let’s talk about love, and let’s move through this stuff. All right, here we go. So I’m in a relationship now. Been married twice, divorced twice. That’s fine. I’m over that shit. Got no problem with it. The first one I feel bad about. The second one, she can go fuck herself, but I don’t feel that actively. It’s not an active aggravation that I have. I’m in a relationship right now with a girl who is significantly younger than me. I’m not bragging. It’s just the way it goes. All right? See, I’m 49, she’s 29. That’s it. It’s out there. Don’t judge me. Don’t judge me. Do not judge old guys with young girls. Do not judge them, like you fucking know what’s going on. You don’t know what’s going on. I hate when people see an older dude with a younger woman, like, “I know what that’s about.” No, you don’t. You don’t know what it’s about. What it’s probably about is, that dumb old fuck is probably in love with her and he’s doomed. If you ever see an old guy with a younger woman, just picture him as a doomed clown. Just look at him, like, wearing the clown’s hat with a clown’s nose, maybe the big clown shoes, and picture him maybe a few paces behind her, trying to keep up, saying things like, “What’s this band called? “How long’s the show gonna go on for? Is this a seated event?” And then just see him slow down and she just walks away. He goes, “Bye. Thanks for helping out.” [imitates horn honking] [hums whimsical carnival music] I know what this is about. I don’t go after younger women. It’s just what I’m attracting right now. I don’t attract age-appropriate women, thank God. I don’t have anything– and that’s not a dig on age-appropriate women. My mother still hangs on to the hope. She’s like, “Marc, you’re gonna meet an age-appropriate woman and be very happy.” I’m like, “How is that possible? “How am I gonna meet someone my age or within that age range “that is not as fucked up as I am? “I mean, I’m a big bag of problems. “Whoever I meet’s gonna be a reflection of that. “How is that fun? What are we gonna do? “Sit on a couch every night “and talk about how we fucked everything up, “how we both failed? “Are we gonna have arguments “why I can’t get along with her teenage son? “I mean, how does it play out in your mind? “Am I gonna be sitting there going, “‘Because he can catch! That’s why! “‘Because he can catch. “‘And he can’t wear that fucking varsity jacket in my house. Oh, he’s here. Just be cool. Be cool.'” My second wife was younger than me. I’ve been through this before. I know what it’s about. I’ve been through this several times, the younger woman thing. I actually thought about having business cards printed up that just said, “Marc Maron: A phase you’re going through.” “Resolving daddy issues since 1989.” That’s what it’s about. That’s what it’s always about. That’s what most of it is about. Come on. I know how this ends. I’ll finally get comfortable. My heart will be wide-open. We’ll just be sitting on a couch, watching Chopped or House Hunters, and out of nowhere she’ll just say, like, “Yeah, it’s weird. I’m getting along so much better with my dad now,” and I’ll be like, “Oh, fuck. I guess I’m done. “My work is finished. “Now it’s time for you to move on “to an age-appropriate relationship and have some babies.” [woman groans in audience] Is that sad? I don’t think it’s gonna go that way with this one. I don’t think… Yeah, I think that was a hypothetical one. This one’s not going anywhere that quickly. I don’t think I could get rid of this one if I had to. [laughs] She’s fucking terrifying. I’m actively scared of her, and somehow in my mind I’ve decided, “Well, that’s healthy to be frightened, terrified, of the person you love.” Like, I think that if you were with somebody and you’re not terrified of them, how is that gonna last? You know what I mean? How are you gonna behave properly if you are not terrified of them? What do you think, just intimacy and trust is gonna hold that together? But it’s hard being older, because, like, you know that. You’re constantly reminded by the fact that we’re with a younger person. ‘Cause sometimes she’ll just hover over here by my head. Like, I’ll just feel her looking at the side of my head, and she’ll say something like, “Oh, we got to do your ears.” How do I hear that as anything other than, “You’re old. Look at your hairy ears.” One time we were at a hotel, and I picked up something that I thought was a phone. It wasn’t a phone, it was a remote control, but that didn’t stop me from holding it up going, “Is this a phone?” And then she looked at me goes, “That’s the oldest thing you ever did.” Then I saw the regular looking phone right over there. I’ll tell you, there’s some couples shit that’s just so– I think it’s so– like, I always think I’m, like, the only one, but it’s just not. Like, sometimes– like, okay, look. The driving thing when you’re in a couple, it’s not good. One time–okay, look. She drives for her job. She works with emotionally– severely emotionally disturbed or autistic children. That’s what she does for a living, so she’s perfect for me, because that’s really who I am in there. She’s actually said this to me, you know, earnestly, “Use your words. Use your words.” So she’s in the passenger’s seat. We’re driving somewhere, so she’s got to be, like, control freaky about it. We’re on the highway, she’s like, “Oh, you want to get in the other lane, because this lane turns–” I’m like, “I know. I know how to drive. You know, I’ve been driving a long time.” You know, and she’s like, “Okay, okay.” And we keep driving, she’s like, “Oh, you want to– you got to get–” I’m like, “I know where– I know. I’ve been down this road,” but in my mind it’s starting to be like, “Shut the fuck up. You know, I’m not a fucking idiot.” You know, that’s what’s going on in my head. She’s like, “You got to get off.” In my head I’m like, “God–what the fuck?” All I want to do is create tears, and– but I don’t. I don’t. This is the amazing thing about being a dude or being this dude, is, like, every time that I don’t honor the part of me that wants to say, “Shut the fuck up,” I think I deserve a medal. Like, literally, by the third time she talked, I’m like, “I’m doing a good job. “I think she should appreciate just how much I’m not making her cry right now.” So I keep it all to myself, and we finally get to where we’re going, this art gallery. And now, look, I have a style of stopping. I generally–I’ll roll through a stop sign and look both ways and stop somewhere in the middle. You know? It’s gotten me two points away from losing my license, but I still commit to the style. So we made it through this whole drive without me fucking losing my mind, and I pull up to this crosswalk. I drift into the crosswalk. We’re right across the street from where we’re going. And she goes, “You’re in the crosswalk! You’re gonna kill somebody!” And I just said, “Shut the fuck up! “We’re not gonna be this couple! “We’re not gonna do this thing! “I’m not gonna live like this. I mean, what are we, 50?” And, like, I’m a year away from 50, so, like, I thought fast, and I’m like, “What are we, 65?” I said. By that point, like, I had lost. You know, I just looked like an idiot, and then all I could do was, like, dude brood. You know, just the sulking thing. What do we think we’re accomplishing with that? I mean, I don’t know if you do it, but, like, literally, they’re like, “It’s okay.” I’m like, “No, don’t touch me.” You know, like, “Eh.” She wants to have a baby. You think I should? [audience exclaims in agreement] [audience exclaims in disagreement] [laughter] I know–I somehow managed to be married twice and not have babies, but this one wants to have a baby. I know that ’cause she says things like, “When are you gonna put a baby in me?” “I don’t know, when you frame it differently maybe would be…” And also I don’t want to do that to a kid. I mean, I think I’m too old, and people are like– especially dudes are like, “What do you mean? You’re a dude. “You can have babies as long as you have come in your balls that you can get out into the other thing.” I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to get clinical. I apologize. And I’m like, “No, not that. I just don’t want to do that to a kid.” And they’re like, “What are you talking about?” It’s like, “Look, I remember the first time I met a kid with an old dad.” Don’t you? It was awkward. Like, first grade or something. You’re both waiting for your parents to pick you up. Like, his dad comes, and you’re like, “Who’s that?” The kid’s like, “That’s my dad.” And, like, you can’t even wrap your brain around it. You’re like, “What? How old is he?” “I don’t even know.” “Does he do anything?” “Yeah, sometimes. I got to go. I got to help him.” I just don’t want to do that to a kid for some reason. And, like, I’ve done a lot of jokes onstage that are a lot more– like, I’ve done some wrong-minded shit in my life onstage, but that is the only joke that I’ve told and a woman has come up to me after a show crying, crying. “I had an old dad! And he was really nice!” So of course I’m thinking something must have happened. I mean, you got to think this through. You shouldn’t be that upset about that joke, you know? “Where’d you say you were dancing tonight?” Um… You know, maybe I’ll have a baby. I mean, I got to do it– I got to do it soon. It’d be good, right? They hang out, you know. I think I’d be a pretty good dad. I’m just very nervous and very panicky, a very worried guy. Like, even thinking about the baby, like– “Yeah, I could have a baby.” It goes right from there to “It’s dead!” Like, there’s nothing in between those two things. “I think it would be wonderful to have a child.” “It’s not breathing! What do I do?” But I know she’s probably the right girl, because we vacation together and we survive that. That’s always dicey. Are you guys married? Yeah? Do you remember the first vacation? Horrifying, wasn’t it? Did you do all right? You did all right? See, my whole thing was, like, look– we have this system at home where, like, okay, we’re playing pieces on this board that we understand. You have a sort of weird, kind of petty interactions that you get very predictable, and you’re like, “Okay, I’m gonna say this. “She’s gonna do that. I hope she doesn’t, like, threaten to leave now.” You know, that kind of stuff. So we didn’t know where to go, and a lot of people were suggesting Cuba, which I didn’t understand. What the fuck is wrong with hipsters? Like, “Yeah, you got to go to Cuba.” I’m like, “Why do I need to go to Cuba?” “Because they’re gonna let capitalism in, and it’s gonna change.” “So you’re saying I should go appreciate the charm “of a failed communist dictatorship? “You want me to go experience that “before the people actually have a sense of self and pride or whatever?” Well, maybe that’s not what capitalism will bring, but you get what I’m saying. “They make the cigars right there.” Look, I can be miserable and smoke a cigar anywhere. I don’t have to go to the source of the cigars to do that. Some people are like, “You should go to Kauai. There’s nothing there.” Right? That’s what people say. “It’s great. It’s in Hawaii. There’s nothing there.” That’s the selling point. “Really? Nothing there?” “Yeah, it’s great. There’s nothing there.” And then you go, and within three days, you’re like, “There’s fucking nothing here!” So I don’t know if you know anything about Kauai, but there are thousands of roosters. There are thousands of roosters, real, full-on fucking roosters. Not little roosters. The kind you see twice in a lifetime, because the bottom line is, there was nothing in Kauai, right? Portuguese ships would come and leave animals. There was nothing to eat ’em, so now you’ve got an explosion of roosters. The first time you see that many roosters, you’re like, “This is the sign of something bad.” But then you’re like, “No, there’s just a lot of roosters here.” Thousands of ’em. And by day three, you’re like, “All right.” You’re used to it, but then you realize, “Fuck. None of them know what time it is.” You know, it’s like all day long. [imitates rooster crowing] You’re like, “It’s fucking 3:30. “What is this bullshit? Is this what freedom does?” They’re just out there like, “I don’t work for the man! “[imitates crowing] “I just woke up. Fuck you. You’re on my schedule, tourist.” And it’s weird. I had a very poetic moment with a chicken– or a rooster, not a chicken– in Kauai. I had a very powerful moment with a rooster, and I’ll share it with you. It’s weird. When I said that line in North Carolina, that line, “I had a powerful moment with a rooster,” there was a dude in the audience that went, “Yep.” And, like, in my mind, it’s like, “His story’s got to be better than mine.” ‘Cause I just pictured a dude, like, “Yeah, it was, like, in seventh grade. “I was horny, you know, “and I thought I could wrangle it, “and it was, like, weird, and that’s why I have one ball.” But I had a poetic moment with a rooster, and I’ll explain it to you. I was just on the balcony in Hawaii. I was looking at the roosters. Just me looking at roosters. And one of them had a fucked-up leg, but he didn’t know he had a fucked-up leg. He’s a stupid rooster. Now, you know, these roosters are big. I have to assume that’s where the word “cocky” came from. Roosters are pretty dramatic, you know, intense-looking things. And this guy has a fucked-up leg, but he doesn’t know it, so he thinks he’s still getting over, you know? So he’s sort of like, “Oh, yeah, look at me. “Fuck yeah! Who wants a piece of this?” You know? And I’m just assuming all the chickens are like, “No, that guy’s got a funny frequency. “I’m not gonna fuck that guy. “It’s probably congenital, and I don’t want my kids to walk like that.” But he doesn’t know that. They’re thinking, like, “I don’t know if I can fucking invest my eggs in that fucking freak.” “Come on, baby! Who wants a piece of this?” So I’m projecting all this onto the situation. In my mind I’m like, “You know, we’re a lot alike, you and me, crippled rooster.” I’ve been to Kauai twice, with both of my ex-wives. All right? So I had a lot more baggage than we actually brought. So I don’t know if you’ve been to Kauai, but people go on helicopters. Did you go on the helicopter? You didn’t go? Why didn’t you go? ‘Cause it’s ridiculous. There’s no reason to go on a helicopter if you’re not in combat. There’s no reason. It’s not a recreational vehicle. It’s a dicey machine. But I’ve been on two. I went on a big one with my first wife, and I went on a smaller one with the German, the second wife. Now, I’m not even gonna explain that. The second one– the second wife paid extra money to go on a Huey– that’s the one with no doors. I remember it very well. If I were an alpha male and went out with this girlfriend, I would have been, “Fuck you. I’m going on the helicopter, even if you don’t want to.” And she didn’t want to. She wanted to go on a boat. Fine. But that second helicopter, I remember that, ’cause we were in there, strapped in, me, ex-wife, pilot, podiatrist, and his wife. My entire time I’m like, “I don’t want to die with a podiatrist. You know, It’s not even a real doctor.” So… But I remember it, because the pilot– we got on, the pilot said, “I flew in ‘Nam,” and I’m like, “Not a selling point,” you know what I mean? And I appreciate you had to do what you had to do, but are we gonna be dodging things only you can see? Is this a tactical mission away from your past? I mean, how is this gonna go? But I remember it because, like, we were flying on the Na Pali coastline, which is the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see in your life, especially from that angle, and I was terrified. My leg was hanging out the door, and I remember ’cause my wife was holding me with a concerned look on her face. I remember that because it was the only time I really saw it. That was the only thing. And I remember, like, seeing the most beautiful thing you ever saw in your life and being terrified more than you’ve ever been in your life simultaneously was an amazing experience, ’cause I remember the pilot goes, “Pretty cool, huh?” And I think I went, “Yes! “It’s very nice! Please land the machine!” Because when I’m terrified, I turn into Gene Wilder. So my girlfriend wants to go on a boat. Okay, boat’s fine. I can handle a boat, right? Boat’s okay. So we’re gonna go on a catamaran. You know what a catamaran is? I didn’t know what it was. It’s the two things. Um… Now, I didn’t really know the kind of old Jew I was becoming, but this is the kind of old Jew I’m becoming. We’re supposed to get on a boat 6:30 in the morning, okay. At 12:30 at night I sat up in bed and said, “I need the pills! “I need the pills for the seasickness “or I’ll get sick on the boat. We got to get the pills.” And she goes, “Can we get them in the morning?” I’m like, “No! I don’t know! I need ’em.” So I put my shorts on, she puts her sweats on. We drive around the island of Kauai to 24-hour supermarkets, me walking in, going, “Do you have the pills for the seasickness?” Some guy behind me going, “Fuck those shorts.” “I know you.” So we get the pills. We wake up. We get on the boat. All right? It’s fun. There’s about 15 people. It’s a catamaran. You go, you– we go around the island. We saw porpoises. We saw sea turtles. I am capable of childlike awe. “Look at the turtle!” Okay, but then what happens is, the water gets rough. It gets rough. It seems dangerous to me. I knew I wasn’t gonna die, but, you know, I was in a helicopter, but it was still rough, and it was bouncing, and everybody takes seats, and there’s no seats left for me. So now I’m the guy holding on to a pole. So now I’m this guy. I got a vest on, and I’m, like, sitting there, going, it’s like… Like, and my girlfriend’s sitting in a seat. She got a seat, so I keep checking in with her. “Hey, baby, you okay?” She’s like, “I’m fine.” I’m like, “All right. I’m not so good.” Yeah. And, like, three minutes later, I’m like, “You okay, baby?” She’s like, “Yeah, I’m fine.” I’m like, “All right, I’m just over here.” And then I’m like, “Are you okay?” She’s like, “Shut the fuck up!” I’m like, “Okay.” And then I realize I’m that kind of guy. Like, if you’re ever checking in with the person you’re with over and over again, no matter what the situation is, all you should be saying is, “Help me. Please help me.” I do it at home. I could be in the kitchen. I’ll be like, “Where are you, baby?” She’s like, “I’m in the bedroom.” I’m like, “All right, I was just feeling abandoned. Do you love me still?” All right. So now I’m all alone on this pole. It’s, like, connected to a platform where the captain is, and I’m just, like, holding on, and I noticed there’s two dude-dudes behind me, two alpha dudes. They weren’t even wearing vests. They were just leaning against the back part, where the door goes under, right? Just leaning there. And then part of me is like, “Oh, maybe those guys will take care of me.” You know? [laughs] “Will you guys be my friends?” You know? And I realize that they probably wouldn’t, but I just thought I’d lean in and, like, listen to what they’re talking about, to maybe wedge myself into the conversation. And this is what transpired. I’m paraphrasing, but I swear to you, this is what happened. I leaned in, and I’m listening to them, and I hear the old one go, “So you got a boat?” The young guy’s like, “Oh, yeah, we got a speed boat, “couple Jet-Skis. We love it. We take it out all the time.” And, like, right away my brain’s like, “How do you even own a boat? “What do you do with it when you’re not using it? “Does it just sit out there? “Do you take it out of the water? “Do you hire somebody to take care of a boat you’re not using?” By the time they had changed topics, I had sold my boat. All right. Then the next topic– swear to God, the next topic, the guy goes, “So you got bikes?” And the young guy’s like, “Oh, yeah, we got dirt bikes. “Put ’em on the trailer, take ’em out, ride ’em on the hills, take ’em to jumps.” And the old guy’s like, “Yeah, I got speed bikes. I like going fast.” And in my mind, my dad was taking me to a hospital– this really happened– where he walked me up to the fourth floor, stood me in front of a dude in traction with pins sticking out of his legs and said, “Motorcycles.” Yeah, so that was that memory. So then the next topic was– the old guy goes, “You hunt?” And the young guy’s like, “Fuck, yeah. We go out for deer. We go out for elk sometimes,” and the old guy’s like, “We went out with– we nailed some bears up north once.” I swear I was waiting for one of these guys to go, “I killed a guy with my dick once. “You know, by accident, you know. “I was just, you know, gutting a moose. “It popped out. Took my buddy out, you know? “Shit happens. He was wearing a vest. That didn’t help out at all.” Lastly… I’m gonna talk about pornography for a moment. Don’t applaud it. I’m not here to celebrate porn. I’m here to– yeah, I use it occasionally, but that’s the way I want to frame it. I can’t believe how much porn there is. Do you ever really sit and think just about how much fucking porn there is? Like, when did that happen? How did life become so glorious that there’s that much porn in the world? Could you imagine? If I were a 15-year-old boy in the culture that we live in now, my head would fucking explode. I would never leave my bedroom. Could you imagine? You would just be coming like a monkey. I’m 49. Do you know how hard it was to find porn when I was, like, 14, 15? I mean, you had to know a kid who had a weird brother or a dad with stash, and then you’d have to keep lookout in front of a bedroom while he riffled through a mattress. You know? Or you had to find one page of a magazine under a bridge somewhere with your friends. You’d all stand there looking at it, like, “Oh, man. That’s how it works. I got a funny feeling in my pants.” And then you, like, go back there every day for a month to see if the rest of the magazine showed up. You know, as if there were porn trolls out distributing it at night. “Put more filth out for the children. “They must learn somewhere. “Come. More bridges. Sunrise is soon.” It was hard to find, man, and I think some computers come with porn on them now. Like, you just pop open a new computer, they’re are people fucking on it. I’m just–this is like a warning. I don’t celebrate porn. You know, I use it. I just think you got to be careful. You don’t want to be too excited about porn. It’s a drug, and it’s dangerous, and I’ll establish that in the next few minutes. I mean, look. Like, if you ever are excited to the point where you’re about to watch porn, and you go, “Yes,” you’re already in trouble. You’re in trouble. You shouldn’t be that excited about it. I think the moment that you decide to watch porn, you should probably be working on something else. You’re alone in your office or your home office, and you’re just, like, plugging away at something and you have that moment, you’re like, “Oh, fuck this. “This is bullshit. “I’m not gonna finish this. “This isn’t my fucking life. Why am I–oh, fuck it.” Ding. “Ahh.” That’s when you should watch porn, when you’re falling down the pit of self, and the only thing you can do to stop your fall is to grab hold of your cock. Now–and I’m sorry if this is specific. A woman came up to me, and she’s like, “You know, women watch porn too.” And I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m not in a position “to really mock that when I– I can’t sit up there and like…” Do you remember the first time you saw a woman masturbating, like, in person? You were like, “Oh, my God. That thing can really take a beating.” You know, as a dude, you were sort of like, “Oh, I want to take care of that fragile flower,” and they’re like, “No! No! “We’re driving somewhere. Get on it! Ahh!” Holy fuck. Um, so what am I saying? Oh. Just don’t watch too much, ’cause you’ll get porn brain, and it’s like– it’s a condition that I think I’ve, you know– I’ve diagnosed. Like, I think that, like, you should just keep it in check. Like, never download porn. Always go to free sites for the humility of picking a clip. It’s very important to be very aware of who you are and what you’re doing when you’re picking your clip. You know, make sure your lower self is obviously engaged, but don’t let your higher self get too far away. Let it hover. And just look down on yourself as you’re sitting there alone, going, “Uh. “Oh, fuck. That’s pretty good. “Oh, how many people are in there? “That’s not a real strip club. “Where the fuck is that wallpaper from? “That’s some weird Baltic porn or something. “Oh, shit. That’s the one. “Oh, bookmark it. Save her for when you finish. There might be a better one.” And don’t be afraid to let your higher self rise up out of you and look down upon you in judgment and say, “Look at you, little man! “Locked in a cage of self, “hitting a button for pleasure like a rat, “you sad little man. Tragic.” But don’t be afraid to look up at him and go, “Shut the fuck up! I’m doing this now. “I’ll hook up with you again later. Don’t be a buzzkill, fuckface.” Now… the bigger point I’m trying to make is, I don’t think that our brains are equipped to take in as much fucking as we’re allowed to take in on porn, all right? We’re just people. Like, if you sit and watch porn, like, if you’re compulsive about it, like, in a half hour you can watch at least 15 different sexual situations. How is our brain meant to handle that? I mean, we’re just animals. I mean, even if you’re a fucking monkey and you’re up in a tree and there’s a couple of sets of monkeys fucking, I mean, you’re, like, “All right, that’s two. That’s plenty.” You know, like, but if there were 20, you’d be like, “What the fuck is happening to the monkeys?” So… So I’m just saying, it fucks with your head, and I think that we’re doing damage. Let me try to illustrate it another way. Let’s create an analogy. All right, you’re at the end– you’re at the end of a hallway. It looks like a hotel hallway. There’s 15 doors, and they’re all open. And in each one of the rooms, there are people fucking somehow, all right, and you start jerking off at the end of the hallway, and then you just stand in front of every door going, “Holy shit. What the fuck is that? “How many people are in there? That’s not a real strip club.” And then you just come on the floor at the end of the hallway. If that day happened in your life, you would never forget it as long as you live. But, no, now you can just do that in a half hour right at your fucking desk, and you think it’s not fucking with your head? Don’t get porn brain. Here’s how you know if you have porn brain. If you ever detach from the porn long enough to have a real sexual experience, if you ever walk into a room with a person that you’re with that you’re about to have sex with, and for a split second when you walk into that situation you think, “Where’s the other guy?” You’ll have porn brain. You know? If you go for that split second, you’re like, “Oh, fuck, it’s me. This is an interactive thing. There is no other guy. I’m the guy.” That’s when you know when you’ve watched too much. Thank you very much, folks. You’ve been great. Thank you. I appreciate you coming out. Thank you. [cheers and applause] [indistinct chatter] Oh, my God. That was pretty good. Hey, Marc. Yeah? That was incredible, man. Thank you. We good? We good? Did it. We did it. That one felt good, man. Oh, my God. So–okay, so you think we did all right? Oh, yeah. It was awesome. It was a triumph. Thank–yes! It’s a triumph. We triumphed. You triumphed. You triumphed. Own it. We sat around, talking shit. No, you definitely could have done it without us. Okay. But here’s how–this is what I learned from my mother. You always punctuate a declarative with a question. “I triumphed. Right?” [laughs] Um, so how are the kids? They’re doing great. You know, I got to do it. I’ve got a window till July. She wants me to start pumping the stuff into her in July. The soylent green? Yeah. I hope better than that. I noticed that guys who don’t have kids, after a certain age, there’s something wrong with them, I think, a little bit. Like, I’m already self-centered, so I think it can only get worse. If I don’t have kids, what have I contributed? What am I gonna–like, “Here’s my DVD from that special I did. That’s what I’ve offered the world.” Why not have some other fucked-up thing in the world? Another mouth for the world to feed. Yeah, that’s the other side of it too. That’s the other side. Yeah. I just wonder– – Well, you could say, “My kid’s gonna be the one that cures cancer.” Do people still say that kind of stuff? Or, you know, “My kid’s gonna be the one that causes a lot of cancer.” You just don’t know. President of some chemical corporation or something. Could go either way. Or just some, you know, random drug addict. Right. [laughing] All right, good. Excellent. Let’s cut.

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Chris Rock: Selective Outrage (2023) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-selective-outrage-transcript/

[slow instrumental music playing] [funk drums playing] [indistinct chatter] [man] Let’s go! [hip-hop music playing] [audience cheering] [Chris Rock] She said, “$300, I’ll do anything you want.” I said, “Bitch, paint my house.” We don’t need the death penalty! We got the tossed salad man! ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. I ain’t scared of Al-Qaeda. I’m scared of Al-Cracker. You cannot lend money to people you’re fucking. ‘Cause they think that sex is a payback. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [hip-hop music playing] [female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock! [audience cheering] [audience continue cheering] [Chris Rock] What’s up, Baltimore? [audience cheers loudly] Yes! Yes, yes. Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much to coming to my Netflix special. Thank you. [audience cheering] That’s right. That’s right! Okay. I’mma try to do a show. [man shouting unintelligibly] I’mma try… N*gga, sit down! I’mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay? I’mma try my best. You know why? ‘Cause you never know who might get triggered. That’s right. You say the wrong thing… motherfuckers get scared. You gotta watch out. You know what people say. They always say, uh, “words hurt.” That’s what they say. You gotta watch what you say. ‘Cause words hurt. You know anybody that says words hurt has never been punched in the face. [audience laughing] Okay? Yeah, words hurt when you write them on a brick, okay? You gotta watch out. Everybody’s scared. Everybody scared. If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared. In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, they just worked harder than you. Now, somebody wants your job, they just wait for you to say some dumb shit. Yeah. Try to get you with one of them woke traps. Say, “Hey, we going to a gay wedding tomorrow.” “How do you feel about that?” Oh, ho, ho, ho! “It’s good. It’s good.” Don’t fall into the woke trap at all now. I have no problem with the wokeness. I have no problem with it at all. I’m all for social justice. I’m all for, for marginalized people getting their rights. The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage. [audience applauding] That’s right, selective outrage. Everybody, you know what I’m talking about? One person does something, they get cancelled. Somebody else does the exact same thing… No. You know what I’m talking about. You know, like the kind of people that play Michael Jackson songs, but won’t play R. Kelly. [audience laughing and applauding] [imperceptible] Same crime. One of them just got better songs. [chuckling] That’s right. Well, I’ll play “Startin’ Somethin’,” it’s a party. I play “Bump n’ Grind,” now you are activists. So, everybody’s scared. Everybody full of shit, you know? I’m in my old neighborhood the other day. I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred. Hadn’t seen him in years. Hadn’t seen him in years. Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay? So, I’m like, “Hey, Fred, how’s the job?” And Fred’s like, “Oh, I love the job.” “It’s a safe space.” “I feel seen, I feel heard.” “There’s a lot of diversity.” And I’m looking at him. I’m like… “N*gga, it’s me.” What, you think I’m wearing a wire or some shit? What the fuck you talking about, safe space? N*gga, you did eight years for manslaughter. Nobody’s safe around you. Everybody’s full of shit. Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves. You need to cut it out, man. Not only is everybody full of shit, not only is everybody full of shit, every business is full of shit. – [man whooping] Everybody you do business, they don’t even tell you about the product no more. They just tell you how much charity they do. They say, “We give back.” “We like to give back.” “We don’t even like the money.” “We just give back.” I’m in the mall the other day. I went by that store. What’s this thing? A Lululemon. Lululemon, I walk by and in the window of every Lululemon, there’s a sign that says, “We don’t support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate.” And I’m like, “Who gives a fuck?” You’re just selling yoga pants. I don’t need your yoga pants politics. Tell me how you work on ball sweat. The fuck you talking about, man? And then, I’m watching the game the other night. There was a– There was a commercial for Subaru. Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh, “For every Subaru we sell, we’ll donate $250 to your favorite charity.” And I’m like, “Who gives a fuck?” I’m like, “Subaru, you want to help me out?” “Why don’t you just sell me the car for $250 less?” [audience laughing] Shit, I’m my favorite charity. Shit. You know what Elon Musk does? Every time he sells a Tesla, he gets his dick sucked. That’s why he looks so weird. ‘Cause his body has negative cum. He’s the richest man on Earth. No one has lower cum levels than Elon Musk, okay? Women are sucking out the cum before it’s even formed. There’s a six-month waiting list for Elon Musk’s cum. [chuckles] He’s flying bitches to the moon. Who could compete with that shit? No one has less sperm than Elon Musk. Only Jason Momoa comes close. To having less spunk than Elon Musk. Fucking Lululemon. “We don’t support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate.” They sell $100 yoga pants. $100 yoga pants. They hate somebody. [laughs] They hate the poor. [sputters] $100 yoga pants? No, no, no. Correction. They don’t sell $100 yoga pants. They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. I think I speak for the entire audience tonight when I say most people in this crowd would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants. [audience cheer in agreement] That’s right. Like, yoga pants that whistled “n*gga” as you walk. “N*gga. N*gga. N*gga. N*gga. N*gga.” “Are my pants whistling, ‘N*gga’?” “Can’t wear these to Cherry Hill.” Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby. We are motherfucking live. [audience cheering] Okay? Homework, that’s right. Whenever I do a show, I do my homework. First thing I do when I get to town, I’ll go, “Where should I not go?” And then I say, “Where can I buy coke?” And they’re usually the same place. [chuckles] Now, America’s… America’s got problems right now. They say we’re addicted to opioids. They say we’re addicted to opioids and we are. I like a good opioid when I could get my hand on it. [chuckles] There’s, like, no pharmacist has ever paid to come to my show. [laughs] “I think we can get him in there, yeah.” That’s right, man. They say we’re addicted to opioids, but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. No. Not even close, man. The biggest addiction in America is attention. That’s right. We are addicted to attention. Can’t get enough attention. Feening for likes. Just feening. We used to want love. Now, we just want likes. Posting up pathetic pictures. [high-pitch voice] “This is me eating sushi. Like me.” [chuckling] “This is me, 25 years ago, when I was hot. Like me.” [normal voice] Oh, it’s fucking sad, man. Just feening for attention. Addicted to attention. And how do you get attention? Four easy ways to get attention. Number one easiest way to get attention, show your ass. Show your ass! You will get attention, even if you don’t got ass! That’s the world we live in. It’s why Blac Chyna has more followers than Gayle King. ‘Cause Chyna is showing that ass. That’s right. So number one, show your ass. Number two easiest way to get attention is to be infamous. Yeah. Do some fucked up shit. Shoot up a school. Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show. That’s right, infamy. You will get attention. Number three easiest way to get attention, that’s right, to be excellent. That’s right. Like Serena Williams, greatest tennis player to ever play the game. [audience cheering] Absolutely excellent! Being excellent will get you attention, but it’s hard being excellent. You gotta get up in the morning. [laughs] You gotta work out. You gotta practice. It is much easier to show your ass. That’s right. That’s right. And the number four easiest way to get attention, number four, is to be a victim. [audience] Ooh. It’s like “Where he going with this?” [audience laughs] Don’t get me wrong, there’s no victim-shaming going on. No. No, no, no, no. There are real victims in this world. There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. But if everybody claims to be a victim when the real victims need help, ain’t nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? And right now, we live in a world where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts. Okay? [audience cheering and whistling] That’s right. Everybody’s trying to be a victim. People that know good and goddamn well they ain’t victims. Like white men. When did white men become victims? White men actually think they’re losing the country. To who? It ain’t us. When’s the last time you got on a Black cruise ship? Or flew on a Black airline? Get the fuck out of here. We don’t got no money! We got some vodkas and a couple of record companies. White men actually think they’re losing the country! Can you believe– Did you see the Capitol riots? White men trying to overthrow the government that they run! [audience laughing] The fuck? They’re like, “We gotta get them out of office.” Who? “Us.” [laughs] Did you see the Capitol riots? Like, what kind of white Planet of the Apes shit was that? These motherfuckers are climbing up walls and taking a shit on Pelosi’s desk. What the fuck? What would make white men think they’re losing the country? What? What? What? What, ’cause there’s no more white couples in commercials? There’s no Black couples either. Every commercial has a mixed race couple. Everything! Shit, I saw a commercial the other day, saw a Japanese woman married to a caterpillar. [chuckles] Their kids were squirrels! By the way, speaking of commercials, when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman? [audience laughing and applauding] This n*gga’s selling everything. Beer, wine, tampons… I saw a commercial the other day, Snoop was selling reverse mortgages. Called them, “Dogg-ages.” What the fuck’s a “Dogg-age”? I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just… I’m not dissing Snoop, all right? Last thing I need is another mad rapper, right? [audience laughing] Nope. Nope, nope. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Back to the show. Everybody is trying to be a victim. Like, what’s this girl Meghan Markle? [groans] Seemed like a nice lady. Just complaining. I was like, “Didn’t she hit the light-skinned lottery?” Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining. Acting all dumb, like she don’t know nothing. Going on Oprah, [voice breaking] “I didn’t know. I had no idea how racist they were.” [normal voice] It’s the royal family. You didn’t google these motherfuckers? [chuckles] What the fuck is she talking about, “she didn’t know”? The fuck? It’s the royal family! They’re the original racists! They invented colonialism! They’re the OGs of racism. They’re the Sugarhill Gang of racism. Like, “The hip-hop, the hippie, the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop and you don’t stop” of racism. The fuck is she talking about, “I didn’t know”? That’s like marrying into the Budweiser family and going, “They drink a lot!” The fuck is she talking about? These motherfuckers invested in slavery like it was Shark Tank. [laughs] The fuck? She said, “They’re so racist. They’re so racist.” Some of that shit she went through was not racism! It was just some in-law shit. And sometimes it’s just some in-law shit! ‘Cause she’s complaining, and I’m like, “What the fuck is she talking about?” [voice breaking] “Oprah, they’re so racist!” “They wanted to know how brown the baby was gonna be.” “They’re so racist. They wanted to know how brown the baby’s gonna be.” [normal voice] I’m like, “That’s not racist!” ‘Cause even Black people wanna know… [audience laughing and applauding] …how brown the baby gonna be! Shit, we check behind them ears. That’s a scientific test. [chuckles] ‘Cause you gotta see what kind of Black child you’re gonna get. Is this a Steph Curry baby? Or a Draymond Green baby? That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life. Draymond Black, baby. That n*gga dark. He’s “sneak-up-on-you” Black. Where you at, Draymond? “Right here.” Hey! Hey! Put a bell on, n*gga! Put a bell! I know what she going through. I know what Meghan Markle’s going through. I-I know her dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it’s hard. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. It’s so hard. It’s very hard! But it ain’t as hard as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. Now, that shit is really hard. Shit, you bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, your momma gonna say something. Your momma’s like, “Why is there a social worker at the table?” Like, “Momma, that’s Jackie!” “We’ve been married nine years!” “You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean!” “You know I’m playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time.” Nah, nah, nah. Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. I’m like, “Hey! If you’re Black, and you wanna be accepted by your white in-laws, then you need to marry a Kardashian.” ‘Cause they accept everybody. So, like, Kris Jenner is like the Statue of Liberty. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…” Kris Jenner lets everybody in. That’s right. She’s like a Black grandma. She just wants to fix you up a plate, that Kris Jenner. She don’t give a fuck. She lets everybody in. She’s like, “Bipolar rapper? Bring your ass in here.” “Come in here, you genius, bipolar motherfucker.” “Crackhead basketball player? Bring your ass here.” “Let me fix you up a plate, you old crackhead.” “Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here.” “Help me with these plates.” [laughs] The Kardashians are inclusive! And they love Black people more than Black people love Black people. Shit, the father freed O.J. [audience laughing] Oh, you forgot that little nugget of Black history? He was a, he was a valuable member of the Dream Team. That’s right. He wasn’t Johnnie Cochran. He was the Klay Thompson of that team. That’s right. That’s right. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football playing murderer! Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. That’s another kind of Black excellence. That’s way before Wakanda. Ah, ha, ha! Yes. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson. That’s right. And from that day on, from the day that he helped to free O.J. Simpson, from the time O.J. Simpson left that court… From that day on, Robert Kardashian was cursed. That’s right. The judge said, “Not guilty.” O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. And soon as O.J. drove away, God appeared. And God walked up to Robert Kardashian and God said, “Robert Kardashian!” “For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football-playing murderer, from this day forth, for the rest of eternity, till the end of time, your daughters will fuck nothing but n*ggas!” [audience laughing] “And not just any n*ggas, crazy n*ggas.” “The craziest n*ggas to ever live.” [laughs] Yeah, we going in tonight. You can’t tell none of these jokes at work, motherfucker. No! I love the Kardashians. I love the Kardashians. They’re a very tight-knit family. I– You know what I love about the Kardashians? I love how quickly they accepted Caitlyn. I thought that was beautiful. I thought it was beautiful. That’s right. “No muss, no fuss, she’s with us.” I thought it was beautiful. I would love to believe that if my father became a woman, that we would accept the situation as fast as the Kardashians. And I’m sure we would. I’m sure we would. It wouldn’t be the first season. [chuckling] You know, we need a few episodes to make this shit happen– No, no, no. No, no. Honestly, here’s the deal. If my father became a woman, I would accept it right away. I would accept it right away. You know why? ‘Cause I’m an artist. And I’ve worked with all sort of people, got nothing against anybody. Trans, I’m sure there’s trans people here. I got no beef with anybody. I’m gonna accept everyone, right? [man whoops] That’s right. If my father became a woman, I’d accept it. I mean, to be perfectly honest… To be perfectly honest, in some situations I actually prefer trans women to original recipe. Like, when you’re watching a game they could read defenses. “That’s a Cover 2.” “Ooh, thanks, Peaches.” No! [guffaws] No, no, no. Again, if my father became a woman, I would accept it ’cause I’m an artist and I would accept it immediately. Now, my brothers drive trucks. So, their reaction might be a little different than mine. Especially my older brother, Andre. He, you know, drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan. He’s one of them “argh” n*ggas, you know? If my father became a woman, Andre would have a problem with it. That would be a very testy Christmas to say the least. My brother Andre would be like, “Man, fuck that shit, man!” “The fuck, you got the heels on?” “The fuck you doing? You don’t gotta wear a motherfucking heel.” “Why the wig? What that got to do with nothin’?” “What the hair got to do with nothin’?” “Nah, I ain’t shaking your hand.” “I don’t want none of that trans to rub off on me.” “My kids here, n*gga, my kids!” And then, I would have to step in and be the voice of reason. I would have to check my brother. I would have to walk up to him going, “Hey! Hey!” “Hey, n*gga!” “She’s your daddy!” [laughs] We gotta love everybody, man. We gotta love all. America, America’s in bad shape right now, man. America’s in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? ‘Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. Okay? We are clearly divided. Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, “Let’s hear ’em out.” We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie. Republicans lie. Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth… [audience cheering and whistling] …that would lead to a more nuanced argument. The whole country is fucked up. School shootings every week. Fucking opioid epidemic. Abortion is illegal in most of the country. In most of the country, abortion’s illegal. A lot of people say, “Chris, you shouldn’t talk about abortion.” “It’s a women’s issue.” Say, “Chris! You shouldn’t talk about abortion.” “It’s a women’s issue.” And I’m like, “Hey.” “I’ve paid for more abortions than any woman in this room.” Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say, “Gimme the usual.” When I go in there, they give me a punch card. “Here you go.” Two more and I get a free smoothie. “Mango.” That’s right, pro-life, pro-choice. Pro-life, pro-choice, what are you, what are you? I have two beautiful daughters. I have two beautiful daughters, right? And… So, there’s a part of me… There’s a part of me that’s pro-life, okay? ‘Cause I’m definitely pro their lives. Okay? So, there’s a part of me that’s pro-life. But since I love my daughters unconditionally– I love them not just as little girls, I love them as grown women. I want my daughters to live in a world where they have complete control of their bodies, okay? [audience cheering] Okay? And because of that, I am pro-choice. I am absolutely pro-choice, okay? I believe women should have the right to kill babies. [scattered laughs] That’s right. I’m on your side. I believe you should have the right to kill as many babies as you want. Kill ’em all, I don’t give a fuck. But let’s not get it twisted, it is killing a baby. ‘Cause whenever I pay for an abortion, I request a dead baby. Sometimes, I call up the doctor like a hit man. “Is it done?” [laughs] And people argue first trimester, second trimester. First trimester, second trimester. I think women should have the right to kill a baby until it’s four years old. That’s right, fuck trimester. Semester. I think you should be able to kill a baby till you get that first report card. [exclaims] “He ain’t never getting a scholarship.” “Okay, you can finish watching Stranger Things, but when it’s over, we going to the clinic.” “Hurry up, I’m trying to get a smoothie.” That’s right. Pro-life, pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. I’m pro right choice. I’m pro good choice. I’m pro practical choice. Like, ladies… Ladies, listen to me. If you have to pay for your own abortion, you should get an abortion. Stop letting broke dicks cum inside of you. This has been a public service announcement. I’m on your side! I’m on your side. Everybody cares about abortion, trying to save these bad-ass kids. You know, whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, they always say, “No child… No child is born is racist.” “No child is born hating.” “You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good.” “All children are born pure.” You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that. Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. They’re the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay? You realize human beings, we have the worst offspring of any animal. We’re the only animal in the whole animal kingdom that has to raise its kids for 18 years. Eighteen years. Every other animal’s like two or three days. Like, birds are like, “I hope you can fly.” [chuckles] Eighteen years! And they still bad! And they still fuck up. “No, kids are born good.” Shut the fuck up, man. My oldest daughter, Lola, used to bite kids. Bite ’em. That’s right. You’d be at a birthday party. “Happy birthday to…” [yelps in pain] You look around, Lola done bit somebody. Now, let me ask you something. Do you think me and her mother taught her to bite? Do you think me and her mother sharpened her teeth? Do you think we bought her mannequins to practice on? No, that’s just who the fuck she is. That’s just her nature. She came out the womb like Wolverine. I love my kids. I love my kids, but I don’t like them. I don’t like my kids. You know one reason I don’t like my kids? ‘Cause my kids are rich. My kids are rich and spoiled. I know some people are like, “Chris, you’re rich.” Yeah, I’m rich. But I identify as poor. [audience laughing and applauding] [man] Whoo! That’s right, my pronoun is broke. That’s right, man. And my kids are spoiled. My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it. Me and their mother, but I fucking did it. A lot, a lot of Black people get a little money, and they’re like, “I want my kids to know how it is in the hood.” Not me. I want the exact opposite. I want my kids to know shit about the hood. I want them to be lost every time they’re in a hood, okay? My kids went to the best schools on Earth, okay? My kids speak multiple languages, okay? Sometimes they curse me out, I don’t even know what they talkin’ about. My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence. I’ve got fencing Black girls, with afro puffs, talking about, “Touché, n*gga.” That’s right. You can’t fuck with the Rock girls, boy. Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled. I remember my youngest, Zahra, when she was in kindergarten, one day, the teacher said, “Today, we’re gonna learn about the four seasons.” And Zahra said, “That’s my favorite hotel.” [laughs] Yeah, you ain’t never seen Black girls like this. My kids are fucking spoiled. That’s right. And I did it, man. When they were little kids, I used to take them to Disney a lot. Used to take them to Disney all the time, right? But I ain’t take them like normal people, no. That’s right. We went on the Illuminati package. We weren’t out there waiting to meet the characters, like everybody else. We were backstage chilling with the characters. That’s right. I smoked a joint with Goofy. Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance. Rubbed that big rat ass on me. Ha, ha, ha, ha! That’s right, man. My kids had it good. Had it much better than me. ‘Cause when I was a kid, we went to Disney. That’s right. Me, my mother, and my brothers, we went to Disney as poor people. On a church trip. [chuckling] Sad already, ain’t it? On a church trip. New York to Orlando, in August, on a bus with no AC. It was so hot, I thought we were going to see the Devil. Took us two days to get there, ’cause the driver was selling weed on the way. And when we finally got there, we weren’t really there, ’cause Disney’s in Orlando, and our hotel was in Alabama. And we’re staying in some nasty motel. It had a bed that vibrates if you put a quarter in it. We’re little kids. We don’t know this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress. And we’re begging my mother, “Mommy, can you put another quarter in?” And my mother’s like, “I’m gonna put a quarter in, but this counts as a ride.” [chuckling] God damn. Best time of my life. Now, my kids, my kids, yes, they’re spoiled. Yes, they are spoiled, but they get in trouble just like any other kids. So about three years ago, my oldest, Lola, was a senior in high school, right? And they went on a class trip. It was time for a class trip. Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip. So their class trip was to Portugal. Ain’t that some shit? Portugal. When I was a kid, we went to the Bronx Zoo. Watched a gorilla jerk off. And then had to write a report about it. “He held it tightly.” So Lola goes on the class trip, and she’s in Portugal, doing whatever Portuguese shit they do. And one day, Lola, and four of her little white girl friends decide that they’re bored and they’re gonna leave the class. They’re gonna sneak away, go to a bar, and get drunk. And then they tried to sneak back in. But of course, they got busted. Of course, they got busted. Now, these crazy, rich, white schools, they don’t play that shit. You get busted sneaking out drinking, they’re like, “You are kicked out.” But… But, this school, of course, these crazy white schools got rich-ass white parents. And rich-ass white parents do not let their kids get kicked out of school. So all these rich-ass parents, they’ve all got lawyers. Even the ones that were lawyers, got lawyers. Okay? And they got them good lawyers. They got those NFL rape lawyers. Like, I’m not advocating rape. But if you’re ever on trial, that’s who you want, okay? Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right? And they got the good lawyers, right? I didn’t want a lawyer at first. I didn’t want to get a lawyer because I was mad at my child. I was mad. I was like, “Lola, what the fuck is going on?” “First, you’re biting. Now, this shit?” And I tried to talk to my ex-wife. I was like, “Let’s wait before we get a lawyer.” “Let’s see how this turns out. Let’s see how it unfolds.” My ex-wife’s like, “No, fuck that.” “We’re getting a lawyer, and we’re gonna sue this school.” “We’re gonna sue this dean. We’re gonna sue these teachers.” “I can’t even believe they let her out of their sight.” “We are suing these people.” And I started to argue with her, but the last time I argued with my ex-wife about a lawyer, I lost my house. So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer. And I’m talking to the lawyer, and the lawyer’s like, “Okay, okay, I talked to some people.” “And if you give me ten days, I should be able to get her back in the school.” So Lola’s home for ten days. One day, I come home from work and I see Lola outside just laughing with, like, three of her little white girl friends, just laughing. You ever just want to choke your child for smiling? Like, motherfucker, what are you smiling about right now? So I walk over to Lola. I’m like, “Lola, what’s so funny?” “What is so funny?” And Lola’s like, “Daddy, stop it!” “You’re so serious. I’ll be back in school in no time.” And I’m like, “Look at this smug motherfucker.” And at that moment, I kind of snapped. And I got back in the car. I got back in the fucking car and I drove to the school. I drove to the school and found the dean. I was like, “Hey, we need to talk.” “I know you’re going through it right now.” “I know you’ve got a lot of parents trying to sue you, and trying to sue the school, and trying to get you fired, but I need a favor.” “I need you to kick my daughter out of this school.” “I need you to kick her Black ass out of this school.” “I need my Black child to learn her lesson right now, before she ends up on OnlyFans or some shit.” “Please kick my child out of fucking school.” And they kicked her out. They kicked them all out, but they kicked my child out first, okay? ‘Cause I’m a celebrity. And I went home, act like I didn’t know what was about to happen. The phone rang. I was like, “Lola, you should get that.” I act like I didn’t know shit. And Lola got the phone and they gave her the news. And then Lola comes in all sad. [crying] “Daddy, they kicked me out of school.” And I was like, “I told you them crackers are mean, Lola.” “I told you about them crackers.” And to this day, Lola has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. And her mother has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. And the lawyer has no idea. And they won’t find out till they see this shit on Netflix. [audience cheering] Here’s the amazing thing. Here’s a beautiful thing that happened. Here’s a beautiful thing… It worked. The whole thing humbled Lola, my God, ’cause Lola got kicked out of school for real. So she had to apply to another high school, and she had to write essays explaining why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. And when it was time for her to apply for college, she had to write why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. And now, three years later, my daughter, Lola, is one of the coolest people I have ever met. She is so amazing. [audience applauding] Lola Rock is amazing. My daughter, Lola, goes to culinary school in Paris. Yeah. Culinary school. Touché, n*gga, touché. Culinary school in Paris. That’s right. My greatest achievement, man. I mean, let’s just think about it. Let’s just think about it for a second. My mother was born in 1945. My mother was born in 1945, in a little town called Georgetown, South Carolina, right? And my mother told me when she was a little girl, it was against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist. Against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist, right? And if you were a little child and you needed your teeth taken out, like all children do, if you’re a little Black child and you needed your teeth taken out, and you couldn’t find a Black dentist, you had to go to a vet. Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America. I’m talking about my mother. I’m not talking about Harriet Tubman. I’m talking about my mother. Shit, she’s sitting over there, okay? [audience cheering] My mother went to a vet, okay? Went to a vet. And think about it. The same woman that had to go through the indignity of getting her teeth taken out by a fucking vet, the same woman now, twice a year, gets on a plane, flies to Paris, and has coffee with her granddaughter, who is going to culinary school. Touché, n*gga, touché. Okay? And Lola, and my mother, my mother sits her down and tells her about her life, and then Lola bites her. Yes. Touché, n*gga, touché. Oh, my life is good. I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain. You know, I got some bullshit going on, but it’s going good. I’m single. I’m single. Have been single a long time. I was married for a long time, you know, I was dating somebody for a while. Now I’m single and here’s the crazy thing. You don’t even realize all the amazing little things a woman does for you ’til you don’t have one. You don’t even realize ’em. Women do so many things that you don’t even realize. Like the other night, I’m trying to get some sleep trying to sleep, couldn’t sleep, trying to sleep, couldn’t sleep. And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like, “This pillowcase is filthy.” “Are we supposed to change these?” I flipped it over it was black and greasy. I was like, “Did Draymond Green sleep on this part of the bed?” That shit was black, man. Yeah. Try to date. Trying to fucking date is hard. ‘Cause on one hand, you know, I’m loving, I want a real relationship. “I want a Sunday kind of love.” And the other time, on the other hand, I’m just a ho. I’m just bad. I’m like, “Ah, fuck all this shit.” Like I’m all fucked up, we all got that. Like, ladies, I will lick your ass and never call you again. But if we hold hands, you my girl. Why is that? Why is holding hands more intimate than licking ass? That don’t make no sense. I’m doing the Netflix special tonight, I’m making a ton of money, I might lick somebody’s ass tonight. But I know, I ain’t holding nobody’s hand. I know that shit. [laughs] I can’t tell you every woman I fucked, but I know every hand I ever held. I’m trying to date, trying to date. Trying to date women my age, which is 10 to 15 years younger than me. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. You’re right. I didn’t get rich and stay in shape to talk about Anita Baker. [laughs] I’m trying to fuck Doja Cat. [guffaws] Yeah, n*gga, yeah. No, man, a lot of people think men date younger women ’cause they’re younger. No, not at all. Men do not date younger women ’cause they’re younger. Men date younger women ’cause they’re less expensive to date. That is what it all boils down to. See, you go out with a 25-year-old, she just wants a pair of shoes. [imitating a woman] “I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “I really like these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “Can I send you the link?” “Can I send you the link?” “I want to get these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “You can Venmo me.” “That’s the app I put on your phone three weeks ago.” “Can I get these shoes?” [normal voice] And if you’re lucky, your 25-year-old will model those shoes for you. That’s right. You go, “Fuck it. Get your shoes.” And if you’re lucky, she will model them for you naked. She’s like, “You like your shoes, Daddy?” “You like your shoes?” [imitating a woman] “You like your shoes, Daddy?” “You like your shoes?” [normal voice] And everybody’s happy for the price of a pair of shoes. That’s what it’s like to date a 25 year old. You go out with a 45, 50? They want more than shoes. [chuckles] You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, she’s like, “Can you help me fix my roof?” [audience laughs] Goddamn. That ain’t sexy at all. What, I got to get estimates for this pussy? I got to see contractors for this pussy, goddamn. [laughs] You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they got a house that’s falling apart. They’re like, “You know anybody with a snake?” A snake? You don’t want my dick to ever get hard. You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they always got a car that’s falling apart. Car’s a piece of shit. They always got the worst version of a good car. The car got a good name, but they got the worst version they ever made. Like a Mercedes 308. What the fuck’s a 308? Four-cylinder and you roll the window down? Who sold you this shit? They got a Tesla that takes gas. You’re like, “Who sold you this shit?” What the fuck? God, man, but the pussy good. The pussy, that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it’s good. That’s right, it simmered longer. It’s been on the pot a little longer. That’s right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy is like spaghetti. It’s better the next day. It really is, really is. Whoo! It really fucking is. And they always got a fucked up car then you get that good pussy. You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy you think you leaving the house, “Okay, see you later.” And then she’s like, “No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor.” “Can you come with me to the mechanic to pick up my car?” “I need you to come ’cause if I go alone they’re gonna take advantage.” So now you gotta go with her to pick up her car. You don’t even know what’s wrong with the car. But you gotta go. And you just standing there like some sort of sexual scarecrow. [chuckling] [man whoops] And the mechanic’s like, “That’s $500,” and you’re like… [screeches] And then the mechanic says, “Okay, $450.” And then she goes, “I only got $35.” Bitch, you fucking played me! I just got your roof fixed. They say women have all, they say men have all the power. They say men have all the power. But we don’t. We don’t have all the power. Women have the power. You got all the fucking power. [scattered applause] That’s right. ‘Cause there’s nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing more powerful, that’s right. A beautiful woman can stop traffic. There is nothing about a man that can stop traffic. Now, that’s right. You could be a dead man on a highway with your dick out and they will drive around your dead ass. There’s nothing [chuckling] more powerful than female beauty. You call it female beauty, you can call it pussy. Call it whatever you want, man. Shit, I’ve been working, I’ve been working since I was seven years old. Been working for almost 50 years. Seven years old! I used to sweep up at a supermarket. I’ve been working since I was seven years old. And I have made millions of dollars, okay? And every dime I have ever made I have spent it on pussy. Every fucking cent! Either pussy or pussy adjacent. Every fucking dime. Getting the pussy hair done, getting the pussy taxes done, getting the pussy’s son into camp, getting the pussy’s tooth fixed, getting the pussy’s driveway done, getting the pussy’s mama some life insurance, getting the pussy bunion surgery. I’ve paid more college loans off than Joe Biden. Motherfucker. Spent all my money on pussy. And if I had a chance to do it again I’d spend it on pussy again. They say men have all the advantages. No, we don’t. That’s right, man. Women you got all the advantages. You ever notice how you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in? Just by who’s not working? Think about it for one sec, you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in just by who’s not working. If you’re in any neighborhood in America, at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and you see women with sweatpants on coming out the gym, pushing babies, riding bikes. That’s right, having brunch, going to SoulCycle. Chances are you’re in a nice neighborhood. There’s probably a Whole Foods nearby. That’s right, wherever women ain’t working is an amazing place to live. That’s where I want to live. I want to live in a place where women are voluntarily not working. That is where I want to live. Now, let’s switch it up. If you’re in any neighborhood in America, at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and you see men in sweatpants, smoking cigarettes, hanging with their boys, lifting weights in the yard, riding children’s bicycles, as their actual transportation, then you are in danger. Wherever men don’t work is fucking dangerous, that’s right. That’s right, that’s right, women have all the power, shit. My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know. She got just as much money as me ain’t funny at all. [man whoops] [Chris Rock laughs] God bless her. God bless her. Nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing. Just look at Beyoncé. Whoo! Can’t wait for that tour. That’s right, man, Beyoncé. Now I know she talented. She is so talented, man. She’s extremely talented. But even with all that talent ain’t nothing more powerful than the beauty. Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers I have ever seen. Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit. Beyoncé is so fine that if she worked at Burger King she could still marry Jay-Z. [chuckling] That’s how fine she is. She could still get her a billionaire, great, rapping, fucking businessman. She is so fine that if she worked at Burger King, she could still marry Jay-Z. Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King… [audience laughs] No, no, no, women got the power. By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss. I do not need another rapper mad at me, okay? I don’t need it. I don’t need that smoke. [chuckles] I’m, like, The Rock. The Rock. I do not need the smoke. Y’all know what happened to me. Getting smacked by Suge Smith. Everybody knows. Everybody fucking knows. Yes! It happened. I got smacked like a year ago, fucking last week, I got smacked at the fucking Oscars by this motherfucker. And people like, “Did it hurt?” It still hurts. I got “Summertime” ringing in my ear. Fucking drums, please. But I’m not a victim, baby. You will never see me on Oprah or Gayle crying. You will never see it. Never gonna happen. [whimpering] I couldn’t believe it and I love Men in Black. [normal voice] No. It’s never gonna happen. No. Fuck that shit. I took that hit like Pacquiao, motherfucker. [audience cheering] I took it like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay? Shit, man. Did it hurt? Yeah, it motherfucking hurt. People are all, “You guys are fighting all the time.” We’re not fighting. First of all, I know you can’t tell on camera. Will Smith is significantly bigger than me. We’re not the same size, okay? We’re not. This guy mostly does movies with his shirt off. You’ve never seen me do a movie with my shirt off. If I’m in a movie getting open heart surgery, I got on a sweater. Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie. You think I auditioned for that part? He played Muhammad Ali. I played Pookie in New Jack City. [audience cheering] Pookie, motherfucker. I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang. Shit, even in animation, this motherfucker is bigger. I am zebra. He’s a shark. What the fuck, man? But… But, Will Smith practices selective outrage. Practices selective outrage. ‘Cause everybody knows what the fuck happened. Everybody that really knows knows that I had nothing to do with that shit. I didn’t have any entanglement. [audience cheering] I didn’t. I did not have any entanglement. For people that don’t know what everybody knows. Will Smith, his wife was fucking her son’s friend, okay? Now, I normally would not talk about this shit. But for some reason, these n*ggas put that shit on the Internet. I have no idea why two talented people would do something that fucking low down. What the fuck? We all been cheated on. Everybody in here had been cheated on. None of us have ever been interviewed by the person that cheated on us on television. None of us. It’s like, “Hey, I was sucking somebody else’s dick.” “How did that make you feel?” Why the fuck would you do that shit? She hurt him way more than he hurt me. Okay? Okay? And by the way, he does that shit, everybody in the world called him a bitch. I tried to call the motherfucker and give him my condolences. He ain’t pick up for me. Everybody called that man a bitch. Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch. The Breakfast Club called him a bitch. And The View and The Talk and every rapper and the Drink Champs called him a fucking bitch. Everybody called him a bitch and called his wife a predator. Everybody called him a bitch. Everybody! Everybody! And who does he hit? Me. A n*gga he know he could beat. That is some bitch-ass shit. [audience cheering] That’s what the fuck happened, okay? Get the fuck out of here, man. What the fuck? I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay? Whatever. Years ago, his wife said I should quit the Oscars. I shouldn’t host. She fucking said, “He should quit ’cause Will didn’t get nominated for Concussion.” What the fuck? What the fuck? So then I do some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck? That’s how it is. She started it. I finished it. Okay? That’s what the fuck happened. Nobody was picking on this bitch. She started this shit. Nobody was picking on her. Nobody was picking on her. She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man should quit his job ’cause her husband didn’t get nominated for Concussion. And then this n*gga gives me a fucking concussion, okay? What the fuck, man? I love Will Smith. My whole life, I love this n*gga. I saw him opened up for Run-DMC at the Nassau Coliseum. These n*ggas made brand-new funk. I love this n*gga. He made some great movies. I’ve rooted for Will Smith my whole life. I root for this motherfucker, okay? And now, I watch Emancipation just to see him get whooped. It got me rooting for Massa, okay? Hit him again, Massa. Hit him again! You missed a spot, Massa. You missed a spot. A lot of people go, “Chris, how come you didn’t do nothing back.” “How come you didn’t do nothing back that night?” ‘Cause I got parents. That’s why. ‘Cause I was raised, okay? I’ve got parents. You know what my parents taught me. Don’t fight in front of white people. [slams mic] [audience cheering and applauding] [hip-hop music playing] [audience continue cheering] [“N*gga in Paris” playing]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle (2023) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-razzle-dazzle-transcript/

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Bert Kreischer! [audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [audience continues cheering] [audience cheering and applauding] Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. You look beautiful, sir. [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. [man wolf-whistles] I look beautiful. Thank you, sir. [audience cheering] This is the skinniest fat I’ve ever been. [audience laughing and cheering] Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. [chuckles] I’m so fat, when I jog, my ass hairs tie in a knot. [audience laughing] Yeah. You don’t even know it’s happening. It’s really a treat. [audience laughing] Get in the shower, get a handful of soap, give yourself a little credit card action. [audience laughing] And you get denied. I’m talking rope, ladies. Ass cheek to ass cheek. Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and… some Italian women will tell you that. [audience laughing] You just put your finger on top until you’re free. Like when you sleep in a braid. Same thing. [audience laughing] One time, I was on vacation, and it wouldn’t come free. Like, I’m the shower tugging. And I’m panicking too, because I got to take a shit. [audience laughing] If we don’t do something, I’m gonna have a Play-Doh factory there. So I get out of the shower. I grab my pocket knife. I walk over to my wife. [audience laughing] [Bert laughs] [audience laughing] I go, “I need to know if you’re on my team or off my team.” [audience laughing] [thick Southern accent] She’s like, “I’m on your team.” [normal voice] My wife’s a redneck. I should have told you that. On our marriage application, in her hometown, third question: “Are you blood relatives?” [audience laughing] I go, “What do we put for three?” [Bert laughs] [audience laughs] The lady goes, “Well, is you?” [audience laughing] I go, “I don’t think we is.” [laughs] “Then put you ain’t.” “I’m not writing ‘ain’t.’ That means we is.” So… [audience laughing] I hand my wife the pocket knife, and I go, “We have a problem.” I turn around, show her the affected area. [audience laughing] And she says, “Why did you do that?” [audience laughing] Fantastic question, LeeAnn. You know… I figured, we’re on vacation. Lady by the pool’s like, “Braid your hair. Braid you hair.” [audience laughing] “I didn’t do this on purpose, fuck nut.” [audience laughing] “Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd. I’m cresting down here.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “I ain’t doing that.” I was like, “Hate to break your heart, redneck. I think you is.” [audience laughs] “As a matter of fact, you’re the only person on this island that will be cutting these ass hairs.” [audience laughs] I can’t call the front desk and be like, “Send up a sure-handed boy.” [audience laughing] “Better yet, who does your hedges? I like his work.” [audience laughing] She goes, “No, I ain’t.” And she puts the knife down and turns on the hair dryer as if our conversation’s over. Oh, you want to play games? Let’s play fucking games. I grabbed the knife. I’m still naked, mind you. I sit down on the bed, facing her. Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air like a baby getting his diaper changed, and just go, “Wah!” “Baby’s got a knotty asshole!” [audience laughing] I didn’t even hear my daughters walk in the room. [audience howling] [audience laughing] All I heard was, “Oh my God, Dad’s vagina!” [audience laughing] Scared the shit outta me! [audience laughing] I hop up naked with a knife like I’m fighting two hookers for my wallet. [audience laughing] LeeAnn doesn’t even know what’s going on. She sees the commotion, cuts off the hair dryer, and goes, “Fine, give me the knife. I’ll cut your asshole.” [audience laughing] My daughters are shell-shocked. “What the fuck are you two doing?” [audience laughs] They storm out. I get in trouble. She goes, “You know, heads-up, you’re not supposed to show your daughters your dick.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Objection, Amber Heard. That’s not what happened.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Walk it back, sister. [audience] Oh! Yes. [audience cheering and applauding] First off, they didn’t just see my dick, okay? [audience laughs] That would have been a walk in the park. [audience laughs] They saw all of it. The trilogy. All three stories. Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East! [audience laughing] Secondly, I didn’t show them my dick. I wasn’t like, “Hey, girls…” [audience laughing] “You almost done your homework?” [audience laughing] “Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15. There’s something I want to show you.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] They didn’t even see good dick either. That’s what bothered me. No, hang on. Hear me out. I’m not saying I want it to be rock-hard, but, like… [audience laughing] …pretty hard. You can’t send your daughters to college thinking their dad’s got the smallest dick. [audience laughing] First time they get a guy and they’re like, “Now, that’s a cock.” “Shit!” “Yeah, my dad has a penis. That’s a cock.” “You could whip that out at a party. My dad’s got something you show a nurse.” [audience laughing] They saw belly dick. Just sitting there, defenseless, just… [audience laughing] Looks like a whale breaching. Just… [groans] [audience laughing] Can’t tell where it starts, but you know where it stops. [audience laughing] Looks like a little boy looking in a well. “What’s going on in here?” [audience laughing] What the fuck, I saw my dad naked. A lot. [audience laughing] A lot… One time, he got in the shower with me. I was taking too long. He had work. I was in ninth grade. [audience laughing] Yeah, I panicked and did the old Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, just… [audience laughing] I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough. [audience laughing] Enough that the first time I got a chick naked, I was like, “Where’s your C-section scar?” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] My wife’s honest with them. She’s honest, 100% honest all the time. The other night we’re at dinner. I’m three drinks in. The girls go, “You guys ever done drugs?” I’m like, “What are you, fucking cops?” [audience laughing] She just goes, “Yeah.” [audience laughs] “What the fuck you doing?” She goes, “You got to be honest with them girls.” “I smoked marijuana a couple of times.” “I didn’t like it very much.” “Made me throw up. Never smoked it again.” “But your daddy’s done cocaine.” I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “I don’t think they’re looking for recommendations, LeeAnn.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Go on, tell ’em. Go on, tell ’em. Tell ’em.” “Tell ’em the truth now.” I was like, “Okay, I tried cocaine… one time.” [audience laughing] “I didn’t like it very much.” [audience laughing] “It made me throw up. Never did it again.” [audience laughing] I hear her fucking laughing. She goes, “That’s a lie. Your daddy’s done cocaine a lot.” [audience laughing] “Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13. Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah.” “Yeah. She’s a whore!” [Bert laughs] [audience laughing] And she just leans into me, she goes, “First of all, I was almost 14.” [audience laughing] “And shit, ain’t nothing to do in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?” [audience laughing] “Sorry I ain’t no prude like your daddy. Your daddy’s only been with six people.” “And he lost his virginity when he was 17.” I was like, “First, I’ve been with six women, not people.” [audience laughing] And 17’s a normal number. But they’ve already heard 13. Now they’re looking at me, like… [gasps] “Were you homeschooled, Dad?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Thirteen’s the fucked-up number in this story.” “Seventeen’s normal. I’m so sorry I wasn’t molested like your mother.” [audience laughing] I didn’t spend high school in the back of a pickup truck in a field all “Next!” [audience laughing] I fucking hate that I love this woman. [audience laughing] My buddy… My buddy sold his company, made a lot of money, and got rid of his old wife, upgraded. Twenty-seven years old. [scattered cheering] Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. He brought her to our house, showing her off. “She can’t read at all.” [audience laughing] That night, I get in bed with my wife. My old one. [audience laughing] Socks on under the covers. [audience laughing] Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine. Gotta lick that dead old dry finger to turn a page. [audience laughing] [laughing] I was drunk. [audience laughing] [Bert laughs] I leaned over… This is the relationship I have with my wife, okay? I just lean over, look at her, and go… “I wonder what I could upgrade to.” [audience laughing] [laughing] She looks at me and goes, “I’d like to see you fucking try.” [audience laughing] She’s all, “You wouldn’t know what to do with the floor model.” [audience laughs] New car smell with the push-button start. [imitates engine revving] I said, “Yeah, I’ve been working with the old beater too long.” Just… [imitates engine spluttering] You ever get your wife close to an orgasm and watch it just disappear? You get her right there… [engine cranking] [engine slowly revving] Then the cat jumps up on the bed. “Are we fucking this bitch?” [audience laughing] You’re like, “Goddamn it, Gus Gus, get the fuck out of here.” [audience laughing] Here, let me go. One, two, three. That’s how it’s done. Jesus, fuck! [audience laughing] [audience member cheers] I’m fast at sex. I’m so fast, one time I had an orgasm and she laughed. [audience laughing] She goes, “Shit, I don’t think you could’ve gotten AIDS from that one.” [audience laughing] Yeah. [laughs] She’s a bully. A fucking bully. She doesn’t give me a blowjob. Oh, no. She toys with me. Grabs my dick. Stares at me, just, “Oh.” [audience laughing] [moans] [audience laughing] [moans] “Oh, oh.” Is this thing on? [audience laughing] Do you know how soul-sucking it is to have to fake laugh to get your dick sucked? As a comedian… I told my buddy Tom this, he goes, “That would break my spirit.” He goes, “Know what I’d do if I was lucky to suck your cock?” I was like, “Please tell me.” [audience laughing] He said, “I’d respect the fact that you’re a comedian, and I would bring you original material every time.” [audience laughing] I said, “Like what?” He didn’t flinch. “I’d grab your dick, look you in the eyes, and go, ‘This week, on a very special episode of Man v. Food.'” [audience laughing] “‘One man takes one dick to the mouth until it explodes.'” [moaning] We cried laughing. [audience laughing] And then one month later, I’m in bed with my wife. She goes down to give me a blowjob. I completely forgot the conversation I had with Tom… [audience laughs] …until she… taps on my dick, and I start laughing hysterically. [audience laughing] She goes, “Finally, you get it.” I said, “What?” She goes, “Get the joke? It’s a microphone.” I said, “You thought I didn’t get the joke?” [audience laughing] She goes, “You don’t laugh.” I said, “Because it’s not fucking funny.” She goes, “Not funny, why are you laughing now?” I said, “I’m thinking about Tom.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] “He does this better than you.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] She’s turned my daughters into bullies. Yeah. We were watching a documentary the other night on Gandhi. All I said was, “I don’t get the whole hunger strike thing.” My daughter Georgia looks me up and down and goes, “No shit.” [audience laughing] They don’t call me Dad. They have nicknames, like “Chonk.” [audience laughing] Or “Fetus.” They call me “Fetus.” [audience laughing] They had a nickname they were calling me behind my back for two years. We’re at dinner one night. LeeAnn sends a text. Both the girls giggle. “Oh, good one, Mom.” [audience laughs] I said, “What is it?” They said, “You wouldn’t get it.” I said, “I’m the funniest motherfucker at this table.” [audience laughing] “My comedy’s paying for this dinner and those teeth. Run it by me.” [audience laughing] Ila’s like, “I don’t think you’d find it funny.” [giggles] So I go to the bathroom. I come back quick. I look over Ila’s shoulder. She’s slow. [audience laughing] What I see is a series of pictures of me, and the chat thread is titled, “Baby Walrus.” [audience laughing] My stomach drops. I sit down at the table. I go, “What the fuck is Baby Walrus?” They freeze. They’re like, “Oh, it’s not, ‘What’s Baby Walrus?'” [audience laughs] “It’s, ‘Who’s Baby Walrus?'” [audience laughing] I said, “Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?” Ila goes, “I think you know who Baby Walrus is.” Georgia goes, “Calm down, Dad.” “It’s just Mom thinks when you put on fancy clothes, you look like a baby walrus who’s trying to escape from the zoo.” [audience laughing] I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, “Calm down. You actually behave like a baby walrus.” I said, “No, I don’t.” And then the waitress came over. She goes, “Double Tito’s and soda, big glass, no lime?” I didn’t even think I did it. I went… [groaning] Ila pulls out here phone. “Baby Walrus loves vodka.” Click, click. [audience laughing] I will destroy these women. [audience laughing] My daughters are dumb as fuck. We went camping one time. [audience laughing] Whole family goes camping. Middle of nowhere. Ten o’clock at night. Girls are roasting marshmallows. LeeAnn’s over by the tent, cleaning up. I’m drinking moonshine. Ten o’clock at night, we hear a gunshot ring out. Just… [imitates gunshot] We’re frozen. LeeAnn’s a redneck. She’s like, “Someone got their period,” or whatever. [audience laughing] [laughing] [audience continues laughing] [audience cheering] [Bert laughing] She’s not even this big of a redneck, but she hates this accent. [audience laughs] So it’s gonna get worse throughout the show. [audience laughing] It’s ten o’clock at night. We heard a gunshot. We’re fucking frozen. No one says a word for ten seconds. And then we hear another gunshot ring out. [imitates gunshot] My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow out of the fire, looks at all of us very confidently, and goes, “Well… we know it’s not a suicide.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Thanks, Matlock.” [audience laughing] She goes, “Two gunshots, Dad.” “I follow your math there, big brain.” [audience laughing] This child will make you stupid by proxy. [audience laughing] We’re in the car one time. Georgia’s up front, I’m driving. Ila’s in the back seat. And we drive past a sign that says, “Deaf child.” And immediately I hear the think tank in the back start bubbling. [audience laughing] Ila just, to herself, goes, “Oh, well, that’s racist.” [audience laughing] I go, “Nope. No, it’s not. That’s… That’s not what racism looks like.” And Georgia goes, “Ila, they put that sign up so we know when we’re in this neighborhood we should lower our radios.” I’m like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “No, finish this. I want to hear the end of this.” [audience laughing] She goes, “So we don’t rub it in that we can hear, right, Dad?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “No, that’s not… Shit, you’re dumber than she is.” “No. No.” “No, Georgia, that’s not why they have that.” “It’s so you know there’s a kid that may not hear your car coming, Georgia.” And then Ila leans up at the front and goes, “So are deaf kids like guns?” [audience laughs] “Do you have to register them with the state?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What are you talking about?” She goes, “Well, Dad, how do they know where to put those signs?” [audience laughing] And now I’m sitting in the front seat of this clown car, thinking sincerely to myself, “How do they know where to put those signs?” [audience laughing] You cannot put me and this child together. We’re bad news. [audience laughs] We’re dumb as fuck and we have impulse control problems. [audience laughing] We went to Georgia’s choir concert one time. Four hours long, just to set the scene. Four hours of choir. And LeeAnn doesn’t even sit in the room. She sits in the back and sells baked goods with friends and chitchats for hours. Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit in the front row for four hours. She’s having a blast. Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass. [audience laughing] Two hours into this choir concert, choir teacher comes out and lets us know they’re auctioning use of the school snow machine to the highest bidder. Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila shaking like a junkie next to me. [audience laughing] I go, “What’s wrong with you?” And she goes, “Fetus…” [audience laughing] “…we need that snow machine.” I’m like, “Uh, we’re getting that fucking snow machine.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Should I go out and ask Mom?” “Fuck that bitch. She’s not here.” [audience laughing] “I’m a parent also, Ila. I can make decisions too.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Do we have $50?” I go, “Baby, without your mom in the room, we have stupid fucking money.” [audience laughing] “Watch and learn. I’m about to drop a big dick on this room.” [audience laughing] I stand up in the front row. Teacher gets excited. “Do I hear an opening bid of $50?” I said, “Honey, cut out the riffraff.” “Make it 500.” [audience cheers] Room goes crazy. I sit down. Ila’s shaking back and forth. “Ahh!” [audience laughing] I go, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You just dropped a big dick on the room, Dad!” [audience cheering and applauding] Laughter dies out. I hear one dad in the back still laughing. I’m like, “Shit, we got a problem.” [audience laughing] Ila’s like, “What is it?” “There’s another alcoholic dad here looking for action.” [audience laughing] “It’s gonna be a long night, baby.” Dude in the back just stands up quick, “550!” Whole room does that. “Oh!” Except for my daughter, who punches me in the leg and goes, “Stand up and be a man.” [audience laughing] “Tell him 600, Dad.” I said, “No, baby, that’s not how we’re gonna play it.” “Now’s when we hit him with the razzle dazzle.” [audience cheering] She… She goes, “What’s that?” I said, “You stand up, you say 600, then turn around and wink at him.” [audience laughs] Now she’s turned into a baby walrus. [groaning] She goes, “I can do that?” I go, “If you don’t, you sleep outside.” [audience laughing] This is what a thousand parents saw: a fifth grader in the front row stand up. In fairness, I didn’t know she was nervous. I also didn’t know the kid couldn’t fucking wink, okay? [audience laughing] [scoffs] Who the fuck can’t wink? [audience laughing] She turns around trembling. Finds her guy, goes, “$600!” And then proceeds to have a seizure… [audience laughing] …trying to eke out a wink. Just… [audience laughing] Sits down, she goes, “How did I do, Dad?” [audience laughs] I go, “You just dropped a big dick on that room.” [audience laughing] Old boy in the back is losing his fucking mind. He stands up, he goes, “Baby girl, $700.” I’m like, “Whoa, you coming after my daughter, bro?” [audience laughing] I stand up, stare him down, I go, “$800.” Ila stands up, “$900!” [audience laughing] [scattered applause and cheering] I’m like, “You’re bidding against me, you fucking moron.” [audience laughing] She’s ear to ear, “Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!” [audience laughing] We won that snow machine for $1,800. [audience laughing and cheering] Yeah. [audience cheering and applauding] Yeah. [applause continues] I got… I got in trouble. [audience laughing] I did. My behavior was… questionable. [audience laughing] I can’t tell if it’s… I can’t tell if it’s me or the fact that I live in L.A. Like, I think if I lived here, I’d be like a pretty normal dad. [audience cheering and applauding] Dare I say progressive. [laughs] [audience laughing] But in L.A., I’m a problem. I’ll… I’m gonna… Okay, I’m gonna tell you a story. But do not insert your politics into it, okay? Just listen to the story, enjoy it for what it is. Okay. [audience laughing] End of Ila’s fifth grade year, they throw a dance. They taught all the kids the foxtrot in fifth grade, right? Parents sit in the auditorium and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage, go out, milk and cookies 8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom. We show up at eight o’clock. Kids aren’t on stage. Kids were in the auditorium. Teachers off to the side. She’s crying. Parents are irate. It’s a shitshow. Pull us outside as the parents. Teacher addresses the parents. “I…” [exhales] “All I can do is apologize.” “What I’ve done is horrific.” “And if you’ll allow me the opportunity to keep my job, I will do better.” In the back, I’m like, “Someone fucked a kid.” [audience laughing] I’m starting to loosen up to go high-five a fifth grader. [audience laughing] And she says… “Two weeks ago, in preparing for this dance, I assumed your children’s gender, and I paired them up boy, girl.” “Now, I understand what an egregious error I have made, and if you give me an opportunity, I will show you I’m not the monster you think I am.” Now, hold on. I want to say this real quick, just so we’re clear. I want every child in this world to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time. I’ll do what I can to make that happen, that is how I feel. [audience cheering and applauding] But it’s fifth grade, right? Like… [audience laughs] It’s 8:00 in the morning. We’re hungover. Let’s wrap it up. [audience laughs, cheers] I think we’re done, right? Cool? Forgiven. First parent stands up. She goes, “My name is Jennifer. Pronouns: she/her.” I’m like, “Oh, shit.” [audience laughing] “This isn’t gonna go well.” She goes… “Our household are strong allies.” “We have family members in the community, and I want you to know that I can hear that apology, but it is shallow.” “Actions speak louder than words, so if you do keep your job, you should do better.” And she sits down. Now, I don’t know if you know how this works, but the next parent has to out-liberal the first parent. [audience laughs] You can’t be like, “Eh,” because then you look like Alex Jones. “Frogs are gay. Hoo!” [audience laughing] And it goes around the horn. They light this bitch up left and right. And the teacher, God bless her, she’s taking it on the chin until it gets to me and LeeAnn. I’m like, “I’ll take this.” LeeAnn’s like, “Please don’t.” [audience laughing] I said, “Hi, my name’s Bert. I’m Ila’s, uh, parent.” [audience laughing] I said, “First off, it’s fifth grade.” “No one’s finger-fucking in the back of a Jetta tonight.” [audience laughing] It’s 8:30 in the morning. Everyone’s listening now, right? [audience laughing] I said, “As Ila’s parent, it goes without saying that I do not care if my child dances with a boy or dances with a girl.” “I will do everything in my power to love her and support her.” [audience cheers] Yeah. [audience cheering and applauding] “As long as it’s white.” Now… [audience laughing] How do you not go for the fucking joke? It’s right there! It’s right… It’s 8:00 in the morning. They didn’t see it coming. [audience laughing] The pronoun parents lost their fucking shit. [screams] LeeAnn hops up. [in thick Southern accent] “He’s a comedian! He’s a comedian!” [audience laughing] They’re like, “Listen to her accent. They’re racist!” Dude, I’ll tell you the worst one. The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle. Tuesday night… On the way there, LeeAnn’s in the car. She’s driving. She’s like, “Let’s not get fucking wasted tonight.” I’m like, “Too late!” [audience laughing] ♪ I’ve been drinking in the shower ♪ [audience laughing] It’s a Tuesday night. I’m getting ripped. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket. It’s going down. [audience laughing] I get there. I’ve never been to a wine tasting. They don’t give you, like, big goblets. They give you these baby cups, like Michael Jackson’s about to eat our assholes. [audience laughing] I think that’s how he did it. I’m not sure. [audience laughing] So I bail on the tasting. Find the dads that party. Ten dads over by the stage. They’ve already bought all their wine. They’ve opened up the bottles and drinking like it’s Game of Thrones. [audience laughs] One dad’s in an Austin 3:16 shirt. I’m like, “That’s my fucking table.” [audience laughs] So I go over to them, chop it up. Work my way to the raffle towards the end of the night. My buddy Darren’s running the raffle. I go, “Yo…” “What you got in the pot?” He’s like, “I’ve only sold 40 tickets.” I said, “Oh, your prizes suck?” He goes, “No, I got 12 great prizes.” I said, “Bullshit. Why is no one buying tickets?” He goes, “The parents found out that the money for this raffle doesn’t go to our school, but an underprivileged school.” “They don’t want to chip in if their kids won’t benefit.” “They’d rather spend money on wine.” I’m like, “Are you fucking serious?” He goes, “I guess.” I said, “Okay.” “How many tickets do you want to sell?” He’s like, “Well, 700 is our goal.” I said, “Cool, put me in for 660.” He’s like, “For real?” I said, “Yeah, but close the raffle now.” [audience laughing] He goes, “If I do, you’re gonna win a lot of the prizes.” I go, “Darren, I want to win all of them.” [audience laughing] He goes, “If you do that, that’ll upset some parents.” I go, “It would break my heart if it didn’t.” [audience laughing] I go, “You want to make your money or not?” He goes, “I want to make that money.” I said, “Give me 660 tickets, close the raffle right now, and do not tell a soul.” [audience laughing] “What about LeeAnn?” “Definitely don’t tell her.” [audience laughing] This man took me to the back of a wine bar and started a giggle that lasted the entire evening as he peeled off… [audience laughing] …six hundred and sixty tickets. When he handed them to me, he was shaking like he was selling drugs in ninth grade. [audience laughing] I ripped off the first ticket and the last ticket. I said, “Darren, anything in between, you know I have.” [audience laughs] I have never been more excited for any event in my life. The birth of my children? [blows raspberry] [audience laughing] I picked the table furthest from the stage where they were calling the numbers and mapped out my parade route. [audience laughing] I had two tickets in my hand. LeeAnn came over. “You bought raffle tickets?” I go, “A couple.” [audience laughing] He called the first number. I practically leapt out of my shoes. I was like, “Oh, that’s me!” [audience laughing] I bumped into every parent on the way. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” [giggles] “No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I…” “There’s 12 prizes, and I won the first one!” “Bert Kreischer. Yes, that’s my name. I’m so sorry.” [audience laughs] I get to the stage, grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are there. They’re like, “What did you win, Bert?” I go, “It’s a Fitbit.” [giggles] “I’ll be tracking my steps tonight, boys.” [audience laughing] Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn. I go, “Make some fucking room.” [audience laughing] He calls out the next number. I go, “Oh shit!” [audience laughing] “That’s me too!” I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked, stands up on the foot of her stool and announces to this wine bar, [in thick Southern accent] “My husband is the luckiest guy in the world!” [audience laughing] “Swear to God, I swear to God.” “I wouldn’t be shocked if he won all 12 prizes.” [audience laughing and applauding] I’m on stage now, like, “From her mouth to God’s ears.” [audience laughing] Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like, “What did you win?” “Don’t know, don’t fucking care.” [audience laughing] Get back to the center, I go, “Call the next fucking number, Darren.” [audience laughs] He calls it, I look at LeeAnn, I go, “Bingo, bitch!” [audience laughing] The king is back! [audience cheering and applauding] [Bert laughs] [cheering and applause continues] Now I’m just staring at parents, going, “What did I win, Darren?” He is crying-laughing, and he goes, “Diamond earrings.” [audience laughing] I go, “Well, pierce my ears and call me Kaitlyn.” [audience cheering and laughing] I’m on stage putting diamonds in my high school holes… [audience laughing] …when I see the energy of the room shift. It’s starting in the back with a circle of people around the principal, who yells out, “Check his tickets!” I yell back, “Mind your own business!” [audience laughing] She does not like that. And now she storms the stage. “I see three prizes but only two tickets.” “I want to see his tickets.” Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard to do anything. And I watch the energy of the room halt. The dudes in the kitchen, they’re not cooking anymore. They’re looking out that little sliver of a window, just… The bartender who was making a drink audibly slows down, just… [imitates shaker slowing down] [audience laughing] The ten drunk dads who trusted me now are looking at me like I let them down. [audience laughing] The way a child looks at his sports hero and goes, “Say it ain’t so, OJ.” [audience laughing] [scattered applause] I let that energy breathe… [audience laughing] …as I reached into my pockets, grabbed onto 658 tickets like they were a hot rattlesnake, threw them in the air and went, “Read ’em and weep, motherfuckers!” [audience laughing, cheering, and applauding] The room went fucking bananas. Ten drunk dads pounding on the table. “Let’s fucking go!” [audience laughs] The principal is livid. I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing. [audience laughing] Principal sees this, makes a beeline to my wife, gets in her face and goes, “You need to make him stop right now.” [audience laughs] My wife doesn’t even miss a beat. Takes a breath and goes… [inhales] “Sugar, he hasn’t even started.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh. “Honey, honey, there’s nine more prizes and his shirt’s still on.” “It’s gonna get way worse.” [audience laughs and cheers] Then my wife kills her glass of red wine, looks at the stage and goes… [in Southern accent] “Call the next fucking number, Darren.” [audience laughing] Prize number four, my shirt came off. [audience laughs and cheers] Prize number five, Steve Austin’s shirt came off. [audience laughing] Prize number six, a mom unwittingly in the back said just a little too loud, “Who the fuck is this guy?” [audience laughs] To which the bartender replied, “He’s the fucking machine!” [audience cheering and applauding] [Bert laughs] [Bert laughing] [cheering and applause continues] By prize 11, the room was polarized. [audience laughing] You either absolutely loved what was going on, like the ten drunk dads and the bartender… [audience laughing] …or you hated it. And if you hated it, you were now surrounding the stage protesting the raffle. [audience laughing] These Capitol stormers… [audience laughing] [audience cheers] …were unhappy with the outcome of their day, and took it upon… Look, when he called prize 12, I knew what I had to do. I had to hit him with the “suck it.” Just… [grunts] [man in audience] Suck it! Twenty of them, just around the horns. Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! [audience laughing] I was ready. It was my job. And as he called the number, I go to hit the first “Suck it” and realize I don’t have that ticket. [audience laughing] Oh, you think you were upset? Ten drunks dads are pounding on the table going, “Recount! Recount!” [audience laughing] The people that hated me were mocking me at the top of their lungs. They’re like, “That’s what you get, fat boy!” “Put your shirt on, loser! You’re a loser!” They were so loud, I could barely hear my wife in the back go, “Oh, that’s me!” [audience laughing, cheering, and applauding] We won all 12 prizes. [audience laughing and cheering] And then I spent the rest of the night drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced… [audience laughing] …holding 11 prizes, walking up to parents, going, “What did you guys win?” [audience laughing] “Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot.” [audience laughing] The best part of that story, in my opinion, is that LeeAnn got it. That she got the… She doesn’t always get the joke, you know? Like, some things just… [audience laughing] January 2020. I’m on a flight with my wife to Burlington, Vermont. We get a text from my buddy, Tom Segura. Now… yes, yeah. [audience cheering] If you do not know who that is, he’s a stand-up comedian who cannot do… that. So… [audience laughing] That simple act. [audience cheering] That little act will make this leg explode. [audience laughs] And this arm will break in half right here and spin in circles. Crazy. Crazy. Big racist. Now he said… [audience laughing] Yeah, yeah. Big fan of Nazis. Anyway… Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text, a group text, and it says, “Hey, I don’t know if you guys have heard about this new virus called the coronavirus, but it’s a real thing, and I just read an article in the L.A. Times.” “There’s been an outbreak in your neighborhood.” “Here’s a link to the article. You might want to check it out.” This is January 2020. I’m in a panic. I have heard of it, but in our neighborhood? So I clicked the link. I don’t know if you got this. [audience laughing] But it wasn’t an article. [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] It was a picture of a Black man… [audience laughing] …naked on the side of a bed, just… [audience laughing and applauding] [audience cheering and applauding] I open the link, see the picture, I laugh. It’s funny, right? [audience laughs] I finish my double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. [audience laughs] I pass out. I wake up in Burlington, Vermont to my wife in a tizzy. We’re on the tarmac and she goes, “Did you get that text from Tommy?” [audience laughs] I said, “Yeah, I did.” [audience laughs] She goes, “Fucking terrifying.” [audience laughing] I said, “I wouldn’t say that. I think that’s racist.” [audience laughing] I mean, it’s more than I could fit, but yeah. [audience laughing] She goes, “No, it’s in our neighborhood.” [audience laughing] I go, “Did you click the link?” She goes, “No, I didn’t have time.” “Flight attendant made me put my phone away.” I said, “You have to click the link.” [audience laughing] She goes, “Is it bad?” I said, “Worse than you think.” [audience laughing] [Bert laughing] And I watched this woman click that link. And the picture of that man… His name’s Wood, fittingly. [audience laughs] …comes up, and I watch her just see it, and she goes, “Oh no!” And swipes out. My wife doesn’t like looking at big cocks. So… [audience laughing] Thankfully. She looks at me, confused. Now, I’m just chuckling. [audience laughing] She clicks the link again. [audience laughing] Must have been user error, right? [audience laughing] Same picture shows up, only this time I watch her attempt to scroll… [audience laughing] …as if she’s gonna find an article attached to that picture. [audience laughing] Finds no such article. Swipes out. Clicks the link a third fucking time. [audience laughing] I am now crying-laughing. And she goes, “I don’t know what’s so funny. My phone’s broken.” [audience laughing] I said, “It’s a joke.” She goes, “What?” I said, “What do you mean, ‘What’?” “It’s a picture.” “You thought you’d read an article, now you’re looking at this cock.” “It’s a joke.” [audience laughing] She goes, “That’s not funny.” [audience laughing] I said, “I disagree.” [audience laughing] I watched you open it three times. It got funnier and funnier. [audience laughing] Her face goes white and she goes, “No, that’s not funny.” “I sent that to all the moms at Georgia’s school.” [audience laughing] I go, “You’re right, that’s not funny. That’s fucking epic!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] I grab her phone and read the replies from the moms. The best were the cool moms who were like, “I hope that doesn’t hit my house.” [audience laughing] One mom was like, “My ninth grader is not ready for that.” [audience laughs] Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back, “Are you sure that’s the coronavirus?” “I think I had that in college.” [audience laughing] And then she goes even paler and she goes, “I sent that to our girls.” [audience laughing] I called Georgia, I go, “George, Mom sent you a link to an article.” “Did you see it?” She goes, “Dad, I can’t unsee it.” [audience laughing] “I was at softball practice. I opened it in front of the coach.” [audience laughing] I was like, “What did Coach say?” [audience laughs] “Coach said we need to get one for batting practice.” [laughs] [audience laughing] I go, “What about your sister?” She throws Ila the phone. I go, “Ila, Mom sent you a link. Did you see it?” She goes, “I did.” [audience laughing] I said, “What did you think?” She goes, “Interesting article.” [audience laughing] My daughters have the most fucked-up sense of humor. [audience laughing] For Georgia’s birthday one year, she gets a psychic. She’s gonna tell her and all her friends about their past lives, right? The lady comes to the house. She’s 100 years old. Sits down across from Georgia and her friends. Ila and I are at the end. She goes, “Okay, who’s the birthday girl?” Ila hits me and goes, “One hell of a psychic, Dad.” [Bert laughing] [audience laughing] [Bert snorts] Georgia’s like, “I am, I am!” She puts her palm out and the lady goes, “Okay…” “In a past life, you were a general in a great war.” “You were responsible for the death of 257 men.” “Those men’s souls will haunt you until the day you die.” Ila’s next to me. She just goes… ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ [Bert laughing] [audience laughing] The best one, from one of Georgia’s birthdays. Both the girls pull me aside, “Hey, Dad.” “We want to go to an escape room.” I’m like, “Both you geniuses?” [audience laughing] “You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points together and see what happens in a room?” Shut the fuck up! [laughs] They’re like, “We want you to go too.” I go, “You want to add drugs and alcohol? Okay.” [audience laughing] “Good call.” They go, “No, you and Papa.” I go, “I’m gonna stop you right there.” [audience laughs] “Uh, me and my dad don’t work well together as a team.” “Okay, ladies? It’s not gonna end well. It’s gonna end horrifically.” And they both are looking at me, and they go, “Yeah, we know.” [audience laughing] I said, “What?” Georgia goes, “That’s what I want for my birthday.” [audience laughing] “I want to see Papa lose his shit and you have a panic attack.” [audience laughing] I was like, “All right, he’s cheap. I’ll call him.” [audience laughing] So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old. Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing. I go, “Hey, Dad. When you guys are out in L.A., the girls want to go to an escape room.” He goes, “Rape room?” [audience laughing] I go, “Yeah, Dad, that’s what they want.” [audience laughing] “They want to go get raped together. All of us.” [audience laughs] “And then after we’ve all been raped, we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory.” [audience laughing] I go, “No, Dad, an escape room.” And he goes, “Escape room? What the fuck’s an escape room?” And I hear my mom in their kitchen, going, “Yes! We’re going!” “I saw about this on the internet. We’re going!” “I’ve always wondered how I’d fare in a kidnapping.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Pump your brakes. We’re not going.” “What the fuck is an escape room?” And my mom’s like, “They grab you, they throw you in a van.” I’m like, “Don’t listen to Mom, Dad.” [audience laughing] I go, “Dad, it’s a room where we pay these kids 200 bucks.” “They lock us in the room, and we gotta figure out how to get out.” And he’s quiet on the phone for a second, then he goes, “Give me 50 bucks. I’ll lock your kids in a car.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] My mom snatches the phone away and goes, “Tell my granddaughters we’re going.” “They can count on us.” “Are we supposed to wear leather?” I’m like, “Easy, Mom.” [audience laughing] So we go. Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters. We all go. Now, here’s where it starts to veer wrong. As we start driving, you know how escape rooms normally happen in, like, a mall? This was in a dude’s house. [audience laughing] He had converted every room in his house into an escape room, much like John Wayne Gacy. [audience laughing] We pull into the neighborhood. My dad’s like, “No fucking way.” [audience laughing] Georgia’s like, “Pop, I heard it’s really scary.” He goes, “I’m shitting my pants now, ladies.” We see a house painted all black, no landscaping. LeeAnn’s like, “I think that’s it.” My dad’s like, “Keep fucking going.” [audience laughing] Get out, go up to the door, knock on the door. Dude’s already in character. Oh. Dude, it’s L.A. This guy’s good. Silk robe, towel around his head, stroking a kitty cat. And he just goes… “Have you seen my mother?” My dad grabs my hand, he goes, “What the fuck did he just say?” [audience laughing] I go, “He’s looking for his mother.” He goes, “Tell him his mother can suck my dick.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Is this real? Is this real?” I go, “It’s part of the escape room. Play along.” He goes, “Would you like to see a tour of my house?” And my mom’s, “Yes, we would love to see a tour.” “What’s your mom’s name? How old is she? Where’d she go to college? Take notes.” So we go on a tour of the house. The women are into it. And my dad is picking this guy apart left and right. He’s like… [sniffs] “He smells like shit.” [audience laughing] “Buddy, I think he fucking lives here. I think he lives…” “What kind of fucking lunatic lives where every room is an…” “He was just eating lunch.” “He’s eating mac and cheese with coffee. Who the fuck drinks coffee…” “Black coffee with mac and cheese? He’s got IBS, I guarantee you.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “I don’t think these are helpful clues, Dad.” [laughs] The guy comes in. “Like to see Mother’s room?” My dad goes, “Absolutely fucking not.” [audience laughs] My mom’s like, “Yes, we want to see.” He’s like, “Mother doesn’t allow car keys, cell phones, or wallets, so empty your pockets and put them on the kitchen table.” And like sheep, we’re like, “Okay.” [audience laughing] We empty our pockets. Walk into the room. And the second I step into the room, I feel the door shut and lock behind me. And I have a panic attack. [audience laughing] The first thing I think is, he didn’t ask our names. [audience laughing] We didn’t give him a credit card. [audience laughing] We didn’t fill out a waiver. [audience laughing] We didn’t even really check the address. [audience laughing] We just saw one sketchy house in a neighborhood, knocked on the door, he presented a problem, and we’re like, “The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out.” [audience laughing] Now we’re locked in this fucking house. My dad’s next to me going, “Tell me where I steer wrong in this story.” [audience laughs] “Did you just walk your family into a serial killer’s house?” [audience laughs] Georgia goes, “Papa, isn’t this scary?” He goes, “You have no fucking idea.” [audience laughing] “You two are getting sold to the goddamn Albanians tonight.” [audience laughing] “You’ll be working in a Chechen whorehouse the rest of your lives.” Ila’s like, “Papa, how do we get out of here?” He goes, “I think I have to suck that guy’s dick.” [audience laughing] “Someone’s sucking his dick. I nominate your shithead dad.” [audience laughing] My mom’s in the corner, “You think he’s gonna tie us up?” My dad’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Maggie!” [audience laughs] “Your shithead son just walked us into a serial killer’s house who smells like shit.” “Did anyone smell this guy?” “Maybe it’s because he eats mac and cheese and coffee all fucking day.” Guy’s like, “Sir, I can hear you.” [audience laughing] Now I’m having a full-blown anxiety attack, and for me, they happen in my stomach, and I have to shit immediately. [audience laughing] I’m looking around the room for a vase or something to shit in. [audience laughs] My dad knows me way too well. He goes, “Oh fucking no, you don’t!” “It’s tennis camp all over again. He’s gonna shit in the houseplant.” “Goddamn it, this fucking shithead walks us into a serial killer’s house, and now he’s gonna shit in his mom’s room?” [audience laughing] My daughters are skipping, they’re so excited. [audience laughs] My wife is a fucking savage. She saw four clues by herself. [audience laughing] Pulls a lever under the desk. House lights drop out. We hear two screams and a thud. Lights click back on. I’m holding both my daughters like a human shield. [audience laughing] My mother’s on the floor in a steamer trunk. “Your father threw me into the wall!” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Fuck her, she’s a liar. She tripped.” [audience laughing] Guy’s like, “I saw it. He threw her into the wall.” [audience laughing] LeeAnn solves two more clues and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall, exposing a crawl space two feet tall by three feet wide, down the length of the wall into another room. My mom sticks her head in. Pops out and goes… [gasps, chuckles] “I think we should all get in the wall.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “You first.” [audience laughing] She gets in the wall, he goes, “Fuck her, she’s dead to us.” [audience laughing] “Good riddance. We didn’t need her.” LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes, “There goes the brains of the operation!” “I’m stuck with you three shitheads. Get in the fucking wall.” I go, “I’m not getting in the wall, Dad.” Georgia goes, “Make Dad get in the wall.” I go, “Georgia, I’m claustrophobic.” Ila’s like, “What’s Christmas have to do with this, Dad?” “Shut the fuck up, Ila!” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Buddy, I got bad news for you.” “You’re getting in that fucking wall.” [audience laughs] He goes, “Girls, you get in first. Big guy, I will be behind you.” “You close your eyes. Listen to my voice.” “I’ll coach you through the wall, and trust me, if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass through that fucking wall.” [audience laughing] “Now, let’s fucking go.” And we get in the wall. My daughters, me, my dad. I listened to his voice, like when I was a kid and played baseball. “We got this, big guy.” “We can do anything.” “Listen to my voice. We can do this. Me and you. Big team.” Now… [audience laughing] …I don’t know if it was… the angle of my body… [audience laughing] …the anxiety… that was resting in my stomach… or shimmying on all fours… [audience laughing] …but I let out a novel virus fart, like… [audience laughing] The kind that come out of your ass like hot breath, just… [moans] [audience laughing] The kind of farts that escape your body like a curse out of a mummy’s sarcophagus, just… [hissing] [audience laughing] The kind of farts that burn your asshole. Just the fart, the air burns your asshole. And you think to yourself, “That was air. I’m gonna be shitting blood later.” [audience laughing] And I release it into my father’s mouth human centipede-style. [audience laughing] He goes from coach to cunt real quick. Just, “We got this, big guy!” “We can… We can…” [groans] [audience laughing] “Oh fuck, keep going.” [groans] “We can do any… [groans] What the fuck?!” “I think we rolled up on a dead animal.” [groans] [audience laughing] “I think it’s asbestos.” [groans] “It’s burning my eyes! Keep moving.” [groans] “I feel like I’m in the tunnel from Shawshank Redemption.” “Why aren’t you moving?” [groans] “It’s in my skin!” “It’s burning my clo…” [groans] “Move, asshole!” I turned around, I go, “I can’t. I think I’m gonna shit.” He goes, “You did this?!” [audience laughing] “You did this?! I think you gave me cancer!” [audience laughing] [groans] “I can taste it in my molars! Keep moving!” [audience laughing] [groans] My daughters come flying out of that wall the happiest they’ve ever fucking been. [audience laughing] Go right up to my mom and they go, “Nana, it’s happening.” [audience laughing] I come out of the wall, I’m like, “Nana, big guy’s unhappy.” [audience laughing] My dad comes out of that wall like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole. [audience laughing] “Cocksucker! Motherfucker!” “God! You’re going to a fucking doctor!” [audience laughing] “That is not healthy. That is not…” “He shits like your side of the family, Maggie.” “You need a colonoscopy. You need a colonoscopy.” “That’s what’s wrong. I’m telling you. Where the fuck’s your goddamn wife?” [audience laughing] LeeAnn comes out of the rafters of the ceiling… [audience laughing] …and is like, “I think I solved the escape room, Albert.” [audience laughs] “Try one of the doors.” He goes, “The fuck I will!” [audience laughs] Grabs the first handle of three on the wall, and it doesn’t move, it’s just locked. [imitates rattle] My daughters now have crossed their legs. They’re about to piss their pants. He is at a level nine. “Motherfucker!” [audience laughs] Grabs the next door. Nothing. “Cocksucker!” Grabs the third door, and as it flies open, he turns his back to the door, looks at us and goes, “Fucking finally!” [audience laughing] He doesn’t see what we see… [audience laughing] which is a 90-year-old woman in her nightgown in a closet. She’s been in this closet for 45 minutes. [audience laughing] I don’t know who’s more scared, her or us. [audience laughing] She’s trying to adjust her eyes to the light and remember her line. And she just goes… [yelling] My dad shuts the door… [audience laughing] …puts his heel on it, and he’s like, “Everybody, back in the fucking wall!” [audience laughing] My girls are now on the fucking floor. Georgia looks at me and goes, “This is better than I thought it could have ever been!” [audience laughing] My dad looks at me and he goes, “What the fuck are they talking about?” I go, “Dad, you’re not gonna be happy when you hear this.” [audience laughing] “But the only reason they wanted you to come… is for this right now.” [audience laughing] He goes, “To solve the escape room?” I go, “No, to watch you lose your shit.” [audience laughing] He’s still standing there, heel on the door. Looks around the room like he’s trying to find someone to love. [audience laughing] Lands on my daughters and he goes, “You wanted this?” [audience laughs] “This is what you wanted.” Looks at his watch and he goes, “My Apple Watch says my heart rate’s 154.” [audience laughing] “I’m 75 years old, ladies.” [audience laughing] “I’m on nine different medications.” “I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol.” “Your father just shit in my mouth!” [audience laughs] “And we got the old lady from Titanic locked in a fucking closet!” [audience laughing] “And this is what you wanted?” Ila looks at Georgia and goes… ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] Omaha! [rock music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [cheering and applause continues] [rock music continues] [audience cheering] [rock music continues]

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Marc Maron: From Bleak to Dark (2023) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-from-bleak-to-dark-transcript/

Legendary comedian and podcaster Marc Maron stars in his first-ever HBO comedy special filmed in front of a live audience at New York City’s Town Hall. Over the course of a personal and provocative hour, Maron tackles such topics as getting older, antisemitism and faith, and his thoughts on having children – especially during the pandemic. The comedian also opens up about reestablishing his complicated relationship with his father following a difficult diagnosis and the loss of partner Lynn Shelton in 2020. Darkly funny and fearless, Marc Maron: From Bleak to Dark showcases the long-established comedian’s deeply layered cynicism as he deftly weaves humor and ire into his signature style of storytelling. Air date: February 11, 2023 on HBO Max. * * * ♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming. I don’t want to be negative, but… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …I don’t think anything’s ever gonna get better ever again. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I don’t wanna bum anybody out, but I think this is pretty much the way it’s gonna be for however long it takes us to polish this planet off. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And don’t misunderstand me, I have no hope. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I think if you have hope, what are you, fucking seven? So… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …again, I don’t want to be negative, but you kinda know it’s true, right? In your heart, you know that it’s fucking over, right? I know it’s hard to handle… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …culturally, politically, climate-wise. What are you gonna do about the climate? Nothing. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I think in the back of our heads we’re like, “Well, you know, I don’t wanna get in the way of anything that Swedish teenager’s doing, you know?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, “Greta’s got focus, she’s young, I think she’s gonna nail it.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And, look, I don’t know. I… You know, I have moments where I’m like, “What can I do?” And then you’re like, “What? Is that gnocchi?” You know, so, like it’s… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Look, I’m doing a thing, that, uh, occasionally I’ll– Well, yeah, I’ll do it now. Just like, a lot of these ideas that I’m playing with, they’re hard to do, comedically. So I’ve been working on a one-man show, sort of a serious one-man show, and I workshop it during the comedy act occasionally. I’ll do it for you now. It’s called Voices From the Future. This is a multi-character one-person show where I play all the characters. If you ever are like, you know, “Where’s Marc?” It’s still me, I’m here. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) So this is a one-person show, it’s called Voices From the Future. It’s just random people saying random things in the very near future. The show right now is running about a minute and 30. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I picture that, when I produce it, it’ll be in a small black box theater. You know, it’ll be dark and the lights will like, come up on each character, but I’ll just kinda mime that. But you’ll get it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Some references are to the West Coast, but I think you’ll get them and maybe I’ll throw one that’s-in that’s more appropriate to this coast. Yeah, I’ll have to do a whole new character, but I think I can do it. Right, so this is the first guy, Voices From the Future. Okay, first guy, lights come up. “How close are the fires?” Lights down. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) All right, this… (CHUCKLES) …this is the second guy, lights up. “Will the fifth booster work on the Zephyr strain? ‘Cause I can’t see out of this eye, doc. I can’t see.” Lights down. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) All right, this is-This guy. All right, this is– Hold on, this guy’s sad. (BREATHES DEEPLY) Okay. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Lights up. “What, do you mean-You mean there’s no more water?” Bring the lights down. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Wait. All right, wait, there’s-Okay. So a East Coast one. All right, this guy’s a-All right. All right. Okay, okay, here we go. (GROANS) Lights up. “Do they have the floatable seating at the restaurant downtown?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Okay. Now, this last guy– So, if you’re doing this at your community theater or, uh, your high school… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …uh, you’d want to cast, like, a working-class guy for this last guy ’cause he’s kind of the comic relief at the end. Okay. (GROANS) Lights up. “You know, 130 is not that hot.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Once you get out in it, it’s not that bad. Don’t be a pussy and hydrate!” Thank you, Voices From the Future. Appreciate it. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) So, like, I’m trying to cover a lot of territory, or a lot of things in this first chunk of this show, and it gets a little heavy, but you’ll be all right. Um… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) There’s-I think we have a stupid people problem and I’m not saying that as a condescending person or a-I’m not a genius, but I kinda miss old-timey stupid. You know, I miss back-in-the-day stupid. I miss, like, ten-years-ago stupid. You know, stupid that had a little humility, where you could say things like, “You’re kinda dumb,” and they’d be like, “Yeah, I know.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Well, it’s good you know that.” “Well, I’m not that dumb. I mean, come on!” “Well, good talk. Good luck with everything.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But now, there’s a new stupid, a brazen, sort of shameless, confident stupid. They’re just loaded up with all kinds of bullshit information. It has a tone to it. I’ll try to do a little of it for ya, the tone. “Oh, so, you’re a scientist?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) And you can’t pull that same thing you used to be able to pull with the old stupid. You can’t be like, “You’re kind of dumb.” ‘Cause they go, “What’s your source?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What are you talking about?” “Where are you getting your information?” “Just talking to you right now.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “You gotta do your own research, bro.” “I’m doing it in real time…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…and I think my study’s almost concluded. And I’m stepping away slowly.” So now, we’re just kinda half-waiting for the stupids to choose a uniform. Um… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I don’t know. Are you nervous? Isn’t it weird that, like, you know, you get your information one place and they get there’s another place. Everyone gets it at different places, but there’s definitely a strain of stupid where you hear guys do, like, “You know, you don’t have to get any vaccines ever. I was listening to this podcast.” Most of the time that’s not going a good place. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I was with this podcast. You know, I was kinda in and out.” “But…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…I’m pretty sure the guy said that if you take a human growth hormone suppository and stick it up your ass hard until you get a boner, but it’s not a gay boner ’cause it’s your finger, so why would it be gay?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “And I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a man clit in your asshole that I found when I was watching UFC once. I was just poking around up there. And I told my bros about it, I’m like, ‘Do you know about the man clit in your ass?’ So, they were like, ‘What the fuck, dude?’ I’m like, ‘All right, you live your life.’ Anyway…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…so when you get the boner, you stick it into a warm elk’s heart, which you can order from the guy’s website. Comes three in a package, frozen, and you just fuck it like a pocket pussy or a fleshlight. It’s not gay, it’s an elk’s heart. How would that be gay?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “And then you cum in it, and then you just throw it on a Traeger or whatever kinda grill you have. I have a Weber, but it doesn’t matter and you cook it up and you, like, eat it on a sandwich or– It’s not gay to eat your own cum if it’s cooked. Anyway…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…if you do that and you eat it, you don’t have to get vaccinated for anything. Pretty sure that’s what the guy said. I was kinda in and out, was ordering supplements and, a new fleshlight and, you know, the uniforms are in, so I wanted to get a jump on that.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “And then I think the guy interviewed a professor of misogyny from Canada.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “That was really smart, man. He really knew what he was talking about. Someday when I have a woman, I’m gonna use some of it.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) And now, there’s all these comedians, like, “I’m an anti-woke comic, man. I’m anti-woke and that’s why I don’t get work.” “Really?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “You think that’s the reason?” (CHUCKLES) “Yeah, man. We can’t say anything anymore. Like, me and all the other anti-woke comedians, we all wanna say our version of the same three things. And you just can’t–“ (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “You can’t say anything anymore.” “No, I’m pretty sure you can say whatever you want, really.” He’s like, “No, you can’t, man.” “You can. There just may be consequences.” “See, that’s the fucked up thing, the consequences.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Well, maybe when you get your uniform, you can make that the first order of business, is getting rid of the consequences.” (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (CHUCKLES) “No, man. I’m anti-woke.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Look, there’s problems. You know, I don’t wanna– But I don’t wanna say there’s a problem with Christian fascism, but… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …there might be a problem. And I’m not saying you’re all in on it, if you’re Christians, but, you know, you kinda are. Right? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, if you really think a flying Jew is gonna come back… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) …and make everything okay, isn’t that, like, mental illness? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I don’t wanna make anyone uncomfortable ’cause I know, a lot of you know that we have– You know, as I’m speaking, and I guess I should make it clear that we have found recently that there is actually something that brings most people together, it’s antisemitism. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And… (CLICKS TONGUE) …yeah. I’m saying that as a Jew, and as a Jew, I’m saying that we will replace you. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) It’s… it’s happening, we’re all part of it. We’re doing it, we’re all doing our bit. You-There’s an app now we can replace you with. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And it’s a commission thing. How-We get a certain kickback for the number of you replaced. I talked to my brother last week, he replaced, like, 76 last week. And every quarter, we get a check from Global Control HQ. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s got the cool logo with the planet and the Star of David and gold leaf around it, signed by George Soros. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s kinda cool, it’s almost frameable, but we cash them. So… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I don’t know, like, I’m not religious, I’m a Jew, so… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) And there’s a difference between Jews and Christians, obviously, I mean, I think if the relationship with God is different, if you look at the testaments, the Old Testament. It seemed like the relationship with Jews and God was basically, “What?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What do you want me to do? Now? All right, all right. Don’t yell, don’t yell.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Whereas I think the Christian relationship is more like… (WHIMPERS) So… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But there’s not a racket. I don’t see the Jew thing as a racket. The Christian thing I see as a racket. It’s almost like, you know, “Here’s the New Testament, make it your own and grift as you will.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Right? I mean, and there’s a pitch to it. that’s kinda genius. And if you really break it down, the pitch is basically, “Everything will be amazing when you’re dead.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Put some money in the jar.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But, look, the real problem right now with, uh, you know… Christian fascism… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …is that, you know, Roe v. Wade was taken down. Women, all women in this country have lost their physical autonomy and their rights and the weird thing is, I don’t hear men talking about it. I hear no men talking about it. Which is unusual to me because if you’re a guy with any game at all, you’ve paid for at least two of those. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) So you had something to say at some point in time. I think most men are pro-choice, usually desperately. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Baby, it’s up to you. It’s your choice, but not a great time, right?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I mean, for either of us, it’s just not a good time. I mean, fuck, right? Fuck! No, I’m not mad at you, it’s just my whole fucking life! I’m not crying, just do what you want! I’ll pay for it. I’ll drive you down there. I’ll take you to the place. We can get pancakes at that place you like.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Or the entertainer’s version, “I’ll fly back into town, just tell me the day!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) It’s hard to talk to people of faith about abortion if they have the whole murder frame in place. If it’s murder to somebody, there’s really no conversation. There’s no way to bridge it. You can’t do the, like, “No, it’s just cluster of cells, not unlike a tumor. It’s just… going a different direction, you know?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) “With the same result sometimes, it’s just a longer game, really.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But a lot of it has to do with the language of choice which is… it’s practical, it’s medical. You know, abortion, abortion clinic. Easy to demonize, scary. Like, if we shifted some of the language, we might be able to bridge a gap and have a conversation with people of faith. Maybe just– Maybe we call them angel factories. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I mean, that would be at least a conversation starter, right? I didn’t-I don’t-I didn’t say abortion clinic. I said an angel factory. And how if the concern is getting souls to heaven, we need more of them, we need more. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Now… Christians have corrected me on this. One guy who wrote me an email. It was a fairly heady email. It had two levels to it. The first level was, “The number of angels is finite.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Dead children do not become angels, they’re separate things. There’s only a given number of angels, good and bad. So you were wrong there.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) And the other thing was, “If a soul needs-is gonna go to heaven, it needs to be baptized.” So, I’m like, “All right, well there’s-That’s– We can troubleshoot around that.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Right? I mean, there’s a lot of priests around with a lot of free time, and historically, that’s not a great thing. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But I say get the priests out in front of the angel factories with the water and the, whatever the kind of Latin hokum they need to do the little dance around. And just do it for each woman coming in and then, boom! Guaranteed soul right up to heaven, every time. And I think that the vibe outside an angel factory with the Christians hanging out will be different than those at the abortion clinic. I think it’d be more festive. Just like… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Just standing around watching the counter on the side of the building. Maybe there’s a bell on top of it. Bing! “Hallelujah! Praise Jesus. When the bell rings, an angel gets its wings. We are blessed today. We are blessed. Thank you, lady. Put a little money in the jar. You’re not off the hook.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CLICKS TONGUE) So, okay. I know it’s a lot to get through, especially from a Jew. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why every show, there’s part of me, that just wants to keep poking the Jew thing… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …just so people who think they don’t have anything against Jews, under their breath says, “We fucking get it, man.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) (CHUCKLES) I just want you to find that part of you. (SIGHS) All right. So… (CHUCKLES) …I’m getting old. I’m 59. It’s not really old, but it’s ol-I’m in a– (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) Yeah, whatever. I’m in a… It’s no victory. (CHUCKLES) Just luck. So-But it’s weird, you get to a certain age where like, like almost every night, right before I go to sleep, I’m like, “Is this it?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Right? And then the next thought is always like, “I gotta get rid of some shit.” (CHUCKLES) “I got too much shit, man.” But I don’t always know that I’m getting older. I don’t always feel it because I think it’s a few reasons, ’cause I don’t have kids. I think if you have kids, you can kinda see you’re dying in your kids. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I mean, maybe that’s cynical and I don’t really know, but I have to imagine at some point you’re like, “Happy birthday, son. How old are you today? Seventeen? Fuck, I’m dying.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I’m sorry. I meant to say have fun today. I don’t know. I guess I was thinking out loud a little bit.” Mirrors don’t really help. I mean, they do, but that you can’t trust them. You have a relationship with your mirror. It’s the same thing you look at every day. You have a codependent relationship with the mirror that you look in every day where you gaslight yourself into believing that you’re hanging in there. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I don’t know what your ritual is, but it’s probably something along the lines of… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) And then you walk out into the world totally deluded… that you look the age you think you look. The only time I know how I’m getting old, or that I am getting old, is when I look at pictures of myself. Then it’s-It’s somehow, it’s clearer to me ’cause it’s separate. And I look at pictures and I’m like, “Oh, my God, look at my old head! Look at my old, big head! When did my head get big and old?” And it did, and there’s nothing you can do under your head that’s gonna diminish from your old head. No matter how you dress. Everyone– People are gonna be like, “Cool boots, old head though, right?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Yes, it is an old head. It’s an old, honest head. I do nothing to it.” I can’t dye my hair. Who the hell– How can you dye your hair in your mid fifties as a dude and just-What, you just expect everyone in your life to play along with that decision, like… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) You just show up one day and everyone’s like, “Oh, fuck, I guess that’s who he is now.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What do you think, man? You think-Does it look good?” I’m like, “What are you going for, Dracula? If you’re going for Dracula, you nailed it.” “I did it myself.” “I can tell, you dyed your scalp.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Think it’s a little late to go through a goth period, don’t you? Am I wrong? And I think about what kind of old guy I’m gonna be. I don’t know, like, you know, I’m approaching it, but, like, I know guys in their eighties. Like, and I’ve decided that there’s like two kinds of old guys in their eighties. Like, there’s the kinda guy that no matter what kinda life he had, you know, he’s got some humility, he knows where he’s at in his life. You know, he’s got a certain amount of acceptance, you know, the kinda guy that’s like, “Yeah, you know, life was hard, but, you know, it was up and down. But I’m just happy to have another day. I’m grateful, and I’m just gonna sit here and watch the water.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Right? That guy. And then there’s the other guy in his eighties that no matter what kind of life he had, in his mind, he got fucked somehow. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “The whole thing was bullshit. It was all bullshit. No money left. No fucking money. Two ex-wives. No money. One of my kids doesn’t talk to me. The one that does is a moron.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Fuck the whole thing, it was bullshit. Just gonna sit here and watch this asshole, watch the water.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “My best friend here, the water watcher. Not mad at this guy.” “Not today, you’re not, but yesterday–“ “Shut up. Don’t talk.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) MARC MARON: I have old guys in my life. My dad’s still alive. My dad is 84 years old. Don’t. No. Don’t. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) I get-Don’t. Hold your applause… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …’cause I have to preface this material by… with some honesty. My-For most of my life, my father was very self-centered. He had bipolar, emotionally abusive, narcissistic fuck. Now, the only reason I’m telling you that is because I don’t want you to have the wrong amount of empathy… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …when I do these next few jokes. I don’t want you, I don’t want you rooting for the wrong guy. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) My father’s 84, recently diagnosed with dementia. We’re all pretty excited. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Everyone’s dealing with this, everyone’s dealing with this. And I gotta be honest with you, he’s right at the beginning, so he’s still got almost all his old memories. Day of stuff’s a little tricky. But to be honest, he’s very pleasant to be around right now. He’s open, he’s kinda funny. He’s warm. Look, I guess what I’m saying is, I know it’s a terrible disease, but don’t miss the sweet spot. It’s… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …I think it’s right at the beginning. It’s just lovely. It really is just lovely. I’ll just walk up to him and be like, “How you doing, Dad? How you doing?” I rub his little head. People get uncomfortable when they think of me rubbing my dad’s head. What am I supposed to be doing? “What’s my name?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Where do you live? Do you know where you live? What day is today?” That’s what they’ve earned at 84 is for you to selfishly yell at them thinking it helps as they look at you confused and crying. But I’m showing up for him, which is interesting, you know, because we did have a difficult relationship and it’s kinda nice to live to be my age and have your parents alive, because, look, I’m one of those people. I have a hard time when people my age say, “Aren’t you a little old to still be mad at your parents?” “No.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “They did it.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (APPLAUDING, CHEERING) (CHUCKLES) I love my audience because I just know there’s a room full of people that were-They only had maybe one good parent. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Maybe. So it’s a big room full of broken toys in here. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) (CHUCKLES) Every day is a fucking challenge and you’re overly sensitive and just… (CHUCKLES) …battling dread all the time and wondering if you’re talented. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) So… So, my dad, so, he’s like-Okay, so, here’s the thing. I’m like, I’m showing up for the guy, like I said before. And it is weird, but something gives way, no matter how difficult the relationship was between you and that parent or both of them. Like, you get old enough, and, you know, in your mind, you’re sort of like, “I kind of won.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) So, I’m gonna go out there, you know? But I go out there to hang out with him. You know, the dementia is new to him, it’s new to me. I don’t know his life that well. And I’ll take him out to this Chinese place. The last time I was there, we go to the Chinese place and I order, you know, soup and some entrées. And we’re just sitting there, me and my dad, just sitting there, and he just picks up his soup spoon and he fills it with soy sauce. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And he’s looking right at me, right in my face. (SLURPS) And he just sucks the spoonful of soy sauce down. And my only thought in that moment was, “I didn’t know my dad did that.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I really haven’t gone out to Chinese with him in a long time, I guess.” You know. That’s wild. Right out of the spoon. Yeah, I watched him fill it up again. He filled it up again. He’s looking right at me. (SLURPS) And I said, “Is that good?” And he said, “I like it.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) He did it three times… before my brain was like, “He has dementia. Take the spoon away from him, or he’ll drink all the soy sauce one spoonful at a time.” So I put the spoon down. “Dad, we’re gonna have food coming.” And he’s like, “All right. Now, there he is.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Every time I do that to his head, he’s like… (CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And, look, I know. (SIGHS) I know it’s a terrible disease and… you know, and at some point, he’s– he’s not going to know who I am anymore. I know that. (CLICKS TONGUE) And I also know, on that day, I will be truly free. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Hey, Dad, how you feeling?” “Who the fuck are you?” “Yes! It’s over.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “The most toxic relationship of my life just ended, buddy, just ended.” “Who the fuck are you?” “Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. I thought I knew you. My bad. My bad.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) So I have this other old man in my life. My mother is still alive. But I can’t– I’m going to go easy on her because she’s still, you know, cognizant. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s not great. But she’s got this boyfriend. Do you still call him a boyfriend when they’re 85? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) The guy who’s fucking my mother is 85 years old and… I should be nothing but grateful that he’s fucking my mother. I should thank God every day that John is fucking my mother. Right. It’s great. Takes a load off of me. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In a metaphorical way. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But John’s difficult. And it’s not ’cause he’s fucking my mother. I mean, like, I’m 59. He’s 85. Is there a point where you grow past that sort of like, “Why are you fucking this guy, Ma?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But they’ve been together a long time. He’s just annoying, you know? And I try to be tolerant. But he’s one of these old guys that, you know… (CHUCKLES) He just talks. He talks a lot. He thinks he’s telling stories, but he’s not really. They don’t go anywhere. They don’t land. You don’t even know they’re over, you know, until he wistfully says, “It was a different time.” You know? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And it’s annoying, you know? Like, I’ll go over there and he’ll be like, “Marc. Marc, come here. Let me tell you something.” “What?” “Listen.” “Okay?” “When I was younger, we used to go to the delicatessen, maybe have a sandwich, some coffee, talk a little bit. It was a different time.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Is that the whole thing? That’s the whole story?” “Why you got to be a wiseass?” “It’s just not a story. I mean, there was probably a story in there. You know, what deli? Who were you talking to? What kind of sandwich? A lot of options. You chose none of them. Zero.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I can’t talk to you.” “Good. Don’t fucking talk to me or…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…get some sort of narrative arc going. Flesh it out a little bit. Land it. Land it.” (CLICKS TONGUE) “Marc. Come here, let me tell you something.” “What? What is it?” “Listen.” “Okay?” “When I was younger.” “Yeah?” “We used to go out maybe on a Saturday night with the ladies, to a show. Always shined my shoes. Always. Different time.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Not a story, again, not a story.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Why you got to be a wiseass?” “I’m just saying, there was a story in there? What show? What ladies? What year? The type of shoe would be a nice detail.” “Maybe that’s just me.” “I can’t talk to you.” “Good. Don’t fucking talk to me. Do me a favor.” “Marc.” “What?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Listen.” “What? What is it?” “New York City.” “Okay, yeah?” “It’s raining outside.” “Okay.” “Different time.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “Wait, are these poems? These are poems. I thought you’re trying to tell stories, but these are actually poems and they’re kind of good. You’re kind of an amazing poet. Maybe we should self-publish an anthology of your poetry. And just call it, It Was a Different Time: The Poems. Like, I could blurb it for you. Quote, ‘These little bits and pieces of his life are just vague enough to make you wonder what it was like to be him during the times he doesn’t really tell you about…’ “ (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…unquote. Marc Maron, stand up-comic, podcaster, his girlfriend’s son.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) MARC: But the point I was trying to make is that the mortality thing, the idea of impending death, which is, you know, pretty much going to happen. To everyone. It’s right there. And I know a lot of you know me and you know my life ’cause you listen to me all the time. And you know that during COVID, my partner, my girlfriend, Lynn Shelton, the director, the genius passed away. She didn’t get COVID. Thank you, I… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’m assuming that’s applaud of recognition. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) “Thank God, she’s gone. Jesus.” So… (SHUSHES) Take it easy. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’ll be okay. I can get right back into the sad tone. But she did. She passed away. And it was the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’m sure to her. And… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It was right there. But let me get serious. You know, she did die and it was a terrible tragedy. And the truth is, like, I’m a guy who talks about his life. So I wasn’t clear how that was gonna go. How am I going to talk about that? You know, “Is that ever going to happen? Is there a way to bring humor to that?” Because I’m not really the kind of guy that’s like, “She’s dead, what are the bits? Let’s get going.” You know? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But there was also moments where I’m like, “Well, maybe I can’t do it. Maybe I have to do something more serious. Maybe I have to do maybe a Jewish themed one-man show, you know, maybe, like, Marc Maron’s Kaddish: A Prayer for the Dead,” you know, sort of a black box theater. You know, before the show, there’s like Israeli music playing, you know. (VOCALIZES) And then the lights come up and I just lean into it. (IN HEBREW) ♪ Yis-gadal, v’yis-kadash! ♪ (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) People would walk out of that show going, “Definitely wasn’t funny, wasn’t funny at all. And I like him. He’s funny. But this was very sad. But I’m glad he did it. He seemed to, like, really work through some stuff. But not one laugh. Not one laugh. And I’m not Jewish, so I missed half the references.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But then I thought, “Well, maybe how about a TED talk? People do TED talks. I could do a TED talk. How hard is a fucking TED talk? I just have to get one of those weird, you know, earphone, microphones. You know, change my posture a little bit.” You know, like, “Everyone dies.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “I’m gonna die. You’re going to die. We all die. I’m Marc Maron. I’m a comedian.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But then, ultimately, what happens is I realize, well, you’re just going to talk about it. You know, somehow or another, you figured out you’re gonna talk about it and if, you know, you need to talk about it in a funny way, it will happen at some point if it’s necessary, which it always is. But, like, I realize, you know, and thinking about it that, you know, no one really talks about grief. No one talks about PTSD. No one knows how to process this stuff. Everybody has it. It’s just, you know, locked into us. And there’s not a conversation. There’s not really a cultural conversation around it. And it’s difficult. You know, when she died, the only things that really kind of stuck in my head was that I’m not the victim, you know, she is. And it’s horrible. And, you know, this is not unusual. People die in people’s lives. Tragedy happens. You hope it doesn’t happen to you, but it happens to probably most people. And then the Jewish thing, you know, “May her memory be a blessing.” These sort of, you know, kept me going. And it was a difficult time to grieve because it was COVID, so, you know, no one could really come by. People reached out, but there was not a lot of, you know, human contact, and I guess– I’d be honest with you, I got very tired of crying in front of strangers, my neighbors. ‘Cause I didn’t know them. And it was in the paper. And this is how I met my neighbors. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You know, and grief is a fucked up thing. You know, I remember, like, a week after she died, I was just taking my garbage out and from across the street, I hear, “Hey, Marc, I’m Troy. I live across the street. How are you doing, man?” I’m like, “Not good, dude! It’s not good.” He’s like, “Yeah, I bet, buddy. I bet.” “It’s fucking terrible.” “I bet, man. Well, I’m just across the street.” “I know, man. I see you. You’re right there.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And he just stood there until I stopped crying. And I was like, “Thanks, man.” That’s-I feel better, buddy. I feel better.” “Nice meeting you, dude.” It was that moment where I realized, like, it doesn’t take much to show up for somebody in grief. And a lot of us, when it happens in our lives, you’re like, “What do I do? What do I say?” You don’t have to say anything. You barely have to show up. You don’t even have to invest emotionally. You just have to be like, “How you doing?” Wait till they stop crying and go like, “Okay.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And they’ll think you’re the greatest person in the world. Like, “You really showed up for me when I was grieving.” I’m like, “Really? Oh, yeah. Okay.” So… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But it was just weird because, you know, it was COVID. And, you know, I just sit on my porch and people I knew would come over and they stand in the yard, you know, with their mask on. I felt like a zoo exhibit. There should’ve just been a sign that said, “Grieving Man.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I would just sit there and people would show up, they’d be like, “How are you doing?” I’m like, “Not great.” “We brought food.” “Slide it into the cage.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, bagels. I like bagels. Grieving Man feeding time.” (CHOMPS) People wanna help you. You want to be helped. You want to feel better. You want it to go away. But it doesn’t, because it happened. And you realize over time that it’ll never go away. But people want to help and you want to feel better. If you have smart friends, you’ll get, like, six copies of the Joan Didion book. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) It seems like there’s a group of people that as soon as someone dies, man, The Year of Magical Thinking goes out. And you read it ’cause you want to feel better. And you’re like, “All right. So her husband died, too. Didn’t really help me.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But if you’re a creative person, it adds another level of despair ’cause you’re like, “Fuck, do I need to start writing now?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) People tell you things that they want, they think will make you feel better. like, I remember someone told me, I can’t remember who it was. They said, “Hey, man, you know, when people die, they don’t really leave. You know, their energy is still here.” And I’m like, “How is that helpful?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I got used to her in a human form.” And this person was like, “Yeah, but just think about it, man, everyone who’s ever died, their energy is still here.” And I’m like, “Okay.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But oddly, you know, when you’re fucking sad, you’ll go mystical. You need it. A couple of days after that guy told me that, I’m just sitting on my porch and a hummingbird came right up to my head, just like… (IMITATES BUZZING) I’m like, “Oh, my God! Lynn! Lynn, you’re a hummingbird now. Of course, you are. That makes so much sense.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “I miss you, baby. I can’t believe you’re a hummingbird. What’s that like? That’s crazy.” And then the next day there were, like, four hummingbirds and I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Which one is Lynn? Who’s Lynn? Is this, like, Lynn and her new dead friends? This is what happens when people die. They just become birds of one kind or another. That’s going to disappoint some Christians.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (MARC CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES) “Everything will be amazing when you’re a bird.” (CHUCKLES) “Put the money in the jar.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But the bird thing kind of stuck because, like, at some point, like, a bird, you know, built a nest right above where I walk into my house and they just shit so much. It’s, like, astounding. If you really just take a minute to think, like, “How much do birds shit?” It’s a lot. And I have to be careful walking into my house because the bird was shitting, and at some point I said, “Hey, baby, I’m not going to forget you. Is there a different way…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…that we can do this? You know, I still have the hat and stuff, and… the shit thing’s kind of tired, I think.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But, look, I miss her and it’s weird when you lose somebody because it really, you know, it wakes you up to some… To who you are really, and also how fragile life is. You know, maybe love will happen again. I don’t know. I’m not that great at it. I just… (CHUCKLES) I come from very selfish stock, and I don’t have the tools necessary to really be as open as I’d like. But who knows? It might happen. I might find love again. And maybe I’ll be sleeping with a person I love, having love sex as opposed to the other kind. Equally as good. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But maybe I’m having love sex and, you know, it’s beautiful and the woman I’m having sex with kind of looks over my shoulder and she says, “Why is that hummingbird just hovering out there?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I’m like, “Yeah, that’s my old girlfriend. She just-I don’t know. She just likes to be part of it sometimes.” “You cool with that?” “Is she with her friends?” “Usually there’s four of them and… it’s fucking out of control.” I did wonder, like, would I ever be able to be funny about things? But I find that, like, you know, humor that comes from real darkness is really the best because it disarms it. It’s elevating to the spirit. It’s why I got into comedy, because I would watch comics and they would take things that were complicated or horrifying and simplify them and sort of make you see them in a different way and have a laugh. And I think it’s a beautiful thing. And necessary, like, I believe there was probably, some hilarious people in Auschwitz. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I mean, come on. It was, like, all Jews. Are you going to tell me… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) …are you going to tell me there wasn’t one guy where the other Jews are like, “Are you going to watch Murray tonight? It’s crazy. He’s hilarious. He does all the Nazis. It’s hilarious.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Of course, there was. I’m sure there’s, like, an Auschwitz joke book written by Jews that no one knows how to publish. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What are we going to call it? The Auschwitz Joke Book by Jews.” “It’s not happening. We can’t.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “It’ll be misunderstood. We can’t.” But I do remember the first, you know, joke that came to me about Lynn’s passing that made me feel better. And I’ll share it with you. The setup is heavy. And if you’re-if… The fact that you’re going to die is triggering to you, you might want to leave for a few minutes. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) All right. So… this is a day that a lot of people have had. It’s when you have a loved one in the hospital who’s fighting for their life. It’s a horrible day. Don’t wish it on anybody. It’s the worst day of your life. You’re on the phone with doctors, with friends, with family members, trying to hold on to hope, trying to get information, trying to figure out a way to stay positive. You know, and at some point, you know, it turns and it’s not going to work out the way that you want it to work out. And about 5:30, 6:30 in the afternoon, you know, the doctor says to me, he says, “Look, you can come down here and see her if you want.” This is peak COVID, no one’s in hospitals. “She’s probably going to be gone. We’re taking her off the machines, but you can come down here and see her.” And I was like… (EXHALES) “What? Do-What do you mean? Do people even do that?” And he’s like, “I don’t know what people do. I’m just telling you I can make that happen.” I’m like, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I gotta, you know, I gotta call, like, 12 people to figure out what to do.” So I start calling people and I’m like, “Dude, the doctor just said that I can go see her and she’s going to be dead.” And they’re like, “That’s fucked up.” And I’m like, “That’s not helpful.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) So I went through about nine of those. And finally, I called Michaela Watkins, who’s a friend of both of ours, great actress. And I go, “Michaela, the doctor says I can come see her, but she’s going to be dead.” And Michaela just goes, “Oh, you have to do that.” And I’m like, “I don’t. It sounds terrible.” She goes, “You would regret not doing that.” And I thought, like, “You don’t really know me, apparently, because it sounds like the worst thing I could ever do in my life.” And she said, “Well, it’s never going to happen again, and it might be good to do it because there’s going to be closure there and you don’t really know how it will feel. And it’s an important thing to do. It’s an opportunity.” And I’m like, “Oh, okay. Fuck.” So I call the doctor back and I’m like, “All right, I’m in, I’m coming down.” And he’s like, “All right, well, I gotta give you a heads up. We can’t really clean up because the coroner has to sign off on her.” And I’m like, “You’re not really selling this. I gotta be honest with you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I don’t know if I can handle it, man.” He’s like, “You can handle it. Just come down here and we’ll take care of you.” And I’m like, “Oh, all right.” So, now, it’s 12:30 at night, I’m driving down to the hospital and I’m in shock. My girlfriend died. You know, out of body experience. I’m shattered and totally traumatized. And I’m driving alone to this hospital in the middle of the night. And I get to the hospital and there’s no one in it, just a security guard. I’m like, “I’m here.” He says, “Yeah, I know.” And he takes me up to intensive care. Now, like, thank God for nurses. They’re real heroes and they’re at this shit. Yeah. (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) Every day. Every day, nurses are dealing with this stuff. And I’m saying that to preface the fact that the nurses up in the ICU were a little chipper. I don’t know why. But… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Maybe it was helpful. I don’t know. But I got up there and I’m like, “Hi.” And they’re like, “Hi!” And I’m like, “Re-Okay.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I’m like, “You know, I’m here to see Lynn Shelton.” They’re like, “We know, she’s just in there.” And there’s no rooms in an ICU. Not at this one. It was dark and there was just curtains. And they said, “She’s in there. You know, you go in there and, you know, take as much time as you want.” And I’m like, “Okay.” So I walk in there and Lynn’s there and she’s gone. And I was able to, you know, touch her forehead and, you know, tell her I loved her and cry, you know, for a few minutes. And I stayed with her for a good five minutes, and I was like, you know, I felt like, “Okay, I’m going to go,” you know, and I said goodbye and I’m walking out and I’m thinking, “Selfie? No. Right?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) (MARC MUMBLES) Now… (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) …when I wrote that joke or when I came up with it, it made me feel so happy. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But I didn’t know what to do with it, you know, so I call the darkest comic I know, Dan Vitale, who’s since passed. And I said-I told the joke. And he’s like, “Oh, my God, that’s amazing. But you can never tell that.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I’m like, “I don’t know, man. We’ll see.” I think-And I think Lynn would like it, you know, and I held on to that, you know, until I got to Ireland recently. And now, it’s become unclear. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I was doing that bit in Ireland, and her and I had a vacation there. It was the only vacation we had taken and we had an amazing time. We both had a deep sort of love for Ireland for whatever reason, because it’s amazing. But– So I’m in Dublin doing a show recently and I do that bit and the lights in the venue started going on and off. The lights on me started wavering. And everyone in the room was like, “Oh, my God.” And I’m like, “Take it easy. Hi, Lynn. I’m glad you’re in Ireland and you love it here. You good?” And then it was like, “Okay.” And I did– And I took it as a sign that, “Okay, she likes the jokes.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Wait. But wait. So then I get back to my hotel room and the venue manager said, “That’s never happened before.” “No, it was Lynn, she’s hanging out.” So-“Usually she’s a bird.” So… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But I get back to my hotel room in Ireland and I go to turn the lamp on and the bulb goes… (IMITATES CRACKLING) It just doesn’t-It goes out. And I’m like, “Shit. What’s up, baby?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But I’m still holding on to the idea that, “No, she likes the jokes. Right?” When you’re sad, you’ll go mystical. So I do them in Texas a few months later and during that bit the mic starts going in and out and I’m like, “Oh, shit, she came to Texas.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) “Maybe she doesn’t like the jokes.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But I thought if it happens at the HBO taping, I’m definitely never doing them again. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING) But… Look. I-She was, you know, a big supporter of mine, and I loved her and I miss her. So, rest in peace, Lynn Shelton. (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) You know, I’m– You know, I do try to focus on gratitude to some degree when I can, and I have no kids. And it’s amazing. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It really is. It’s-I can’t even begin to tell you, if you have them what– well, how amazing it would have been if you didn’t. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) (CLICKS TONGUE) And I think even ten years ago, a 59-year-old man on stage saying he didn’t have kids, a lot of people would be like, “Aw,” but I think that paradigm is shifting a little bit. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I think there are people that are like, “Oh, God, good for you. Jesus, what a mistake.” I don’t know why people have them. I have nothing against them. But it really seems that people don’t know that they don’t have to have them. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, something just clicks on and they’re like, “I guess it’s time.” It’s like, It doesn’t have to be. You’re human. You can decide. You’re not a dog. It’s not based on a smell. Think about it. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But I just-I never thought about having them. I never really wanted to have them. And people, you know, say to me, you know, like, “Well, don’t you get lonely?” I’m like, “I do. I get very lonely. But I never think, like, a kid would make this better, you know?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I’ve had two wives and I got no kids. It takes a special kind of asshole… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …to have two wives and no kids. I think my second wife put it like this, “You think I’m bringing children into this?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “It was a different time.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Look, if you have love in your heart and you want to bring a kid in the world ’cause you want to spread that love or whatever the way is. And that’s your impulse, that’s your reason. Good. Do it, you know. You know, I think it’s a beautiful thing. But if you have nothing but like a weird void where your heart should be and you think like, “A kid will fill this.” Maybe don’t do it. Maybe don’t. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Because that void will be passed along for generations. You can’t stop the void from moving. You can now track your void on 23andMe. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) My void started in the chest of a tailor’s wife in Belarus… in the 1850s, in the Pale of Settlement, it was a-It’s a 99.9 percent Ashkenazi void. And you’ve all been sitting in it for an hour now. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) People had children during the pandemic. What kind of… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …cynical, selfish weirdos… saw that as an opportunity to start a family? Like, there’s no cure, there’s no vaccine. And people are like, “Let’s have a baby.” “What if we all die?” “Then we’ll die as a family.” “I think we should do it.” At some point, those plague babies are going to want answers. They’re gonna… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …they’re gonna want to know what it was like before they were born. And some dad is going to have to step up and be like, “All right, son, I think you’re ready to hear this, you’re five.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Before you were born, there was a horrible disease that was spreading around the world that killed millions of people. And there was no cure and no medicine for it. And we couldn’t leave the house. Your mother and I were stuck in the house, for a long time!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “We had to have food delivered. It was dark and scary. You just couldn’t leave the house. And then eventually, you had to. You just had to get out. And you had to wear gloves and a mask and a visor. Yeah, kind of like a superhero. Like an angry superhero that just needed some space.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “And then your mom started making bread. I don’t know why. So a lot of bread being made. It was like a bakery at the house, sometimes two, three loaves a day. Sometimes she’d walk into the living room with a loaf and say, ‘I don’t think this one turned out, but we can still eat it.’ And I ate it because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. It was a dark time! Then puzzles started coming. There were puzzles coming. Yeah, I don’t like puzzles. You don’t like puzzles, do you? They’re terrible, right? I know, right? Hundreds of puzzles it seemed like. We’re doing puzzles all the time. We’re watching movies we’ve seen, like, five times. We’re eating bread. It’s the worst. It was terrible. And then, you know, she starts drinking wine and I’m like, ‘All right, if she’s going to do it, I’ll drink scotch.’ And at some point, I just think we stopped loving each other and…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “…I’ll be honest with you, I was Zooming with a woman from work and… But I couldn’t act on it. I don’t know what she was doing. It was just bad. And, you know, we were fighting and drinking and eating bread. And one time we were just yelling at each other, we’re crying, and it was very sad and we didn’t know what to do. And, you know, I kicked over a puzzle because I was mad and I don’t know, we just ended up having sex on the floor, right on the puzzle pieces. And puzzle pieces were sticking to us. I don’t know. Well, that’s when we made you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “Oh, shit. I think she’s here. Do you have all your stuff?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Where’s your iPad? Is it in your backpack? She’s coming. Just go. I don’t want to talk. Just go out there. Go. She’s getting out of the car. Go out there. You have everything? I love you. I’ll talk to you in a week. Don’t tell her what I told you. Go. Get out there. She’s coming.” That’s a one-man show called Plague Baby. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING) Thank you. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) That’ll be running in repertory with Voices From the Future and Marc Maron’s Kaddish: A Prayer for the Dead, in an evening of one-acts when they are all published in the same volume from the Samuel French Publishing Company. The other reason I’m happy I don’t have kids is, I have friends my age who have grown kids. Grown-ups. And if I haven’t seen that friend in a while and ask him how his kids are, it’s never a great story. I mean, it’s like… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …70 percent of the time, it’s not a good story. So… “Hey, man, long time. How you been?” “I’m dealing, you know how it is.” “Yeah, man. Me, too. How are the kids?” “Well, you know… one of them is doing great. But the other one, I don’t know, kind of got away from us. I don’t know what the fuck happened. I don’t know if it’s anyone’s fault, but fuck ’em. I’ve had it. Got a guy out there looking for him again. It’s just bullshit. It’s killing his mother. I can’t fucking take it. Fuck that kid. But… his sister is doing great. Just got in to a good school. Thanks for asking.” “That sounds terrible.” “You know how it is.” “I don’t.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And then they always ask me the same thing if they know me, and I can’t help but hear it as condescending, where they’re like, “Oh, that’s right, you still got cats. How those cats doing?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But in my head, I’m always like, “Go fuck yourself. You think you’re a better man than me because you have human kids.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Like, that makes you more responsible? More evolved? A better human? Go fuck yourself.” I have three cats that I love and in the best case scenario, I’m going to have to have them all killed. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’m going to have to kill my friends. And I knew it going in. That’s how big my heart is. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) You can’t have your drug-addled son put down, can you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) No matter how much you want to, you can’t walk into a veterinarian’s office and just say, “I think it’s time. He’s not grooming himself. He’s barely eating. Can’t keep his head up. There we go. There we go.” “This is a veterinarian’s office. We don’t do people.” I’m like, “Doc, I got cash. How much would it take? Just help me out. Do me a-His mother thinks he’s dead already. Can’t you just bring him in back? Knock him out, burn him up, put him in a box. And if you want, you give me the handprint on the paper.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) You kind of got to go all the way with that one. I’m sorry, I… (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) “Yeah, man, it’s ’cause I’m an anti-woke comedian.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) So… (EXHALES DEEPLY) …I almost bought a gun recently. My friends are like, “What, just for home protection?” I’m like, “I don’t know. It just feels like it’s time.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) “What do you mean?” “When they come around looking for Jews who have had HBO specials…” (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) “…I just want to go down shooting, that’s all. I don’t think I’ll win. I just want to go down shooting. That’s my right as an American. That’s what the Second Amendment is all about. It’s like-It’s not about gun ownership. It’s about going down shooting!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I currently have a bat. I’m a grown man with my own house on the second floor, in his own bedroom, with a bat next to his bed. That you can see. Like I live in a dorm room. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think I could hit a guy with a bat… let alone shoot a guy with a gun. I mean… if you’re going to hit a guy with a bat, you better have hit a guy with a bat before. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Or you’re just going to end up getting hit with your own bat. That’s how that’s going to go. And it’s… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …and it’s going to happen very quickly. And you’re not even going to understand how. You’ll just be like, “Get the fuck out of my head! What’s happening? Why am I running in my house? Ow!” And I have an alarm system. I have a very expensive, multi-laser alarm system that protects the gemstone I have in my foyer. It’s a… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, it’s a gift from George Soros. It’s the bonus level. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You know, when you replace a certain number. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But even with the alarm, if I hear something in my house, I’ll pick up that bat, upstairs, in my boxers. And I’ll pick it up and walk around. And a voice comes out of me that only comes out of me when I’m holding a bat. And I’ll do it for you. But brace yourself. It’s intense. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What’s going on down there?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Who’s down there? What’s going on?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) MARC: Yeah. Right. If you’re breaking into my house, you take pause. “Holy shit. You hear that, man? That guy means business. Sounds like he’s got a bat up there. I’ve been doing this a long time. That’s definitely bat voice.” “I’m coming down there!” “He won’t. Not that guy.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) “Let’s just take the Jew stone and get out of here.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But I’ll be honest with you, I like having a bat because… it’s good. A bat is good. Beca-Look, I’m a-You know, I’m a moody person. I have good days, I have bad days, you know. But in my heart, I know, that no matter how bad my day is, I’m never going to look at a bat and think, “I’m going to kill myself.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Because that would take some time… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …and a level of commitment I don’t think I have. (EXHALES DEEPLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Fuck it, man. Fuck this shit. Fucking done with it, man.” (IMITATES CLACKING) “Ow, fuck! Wow. Fuck, man. Whoo!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh.” “Fuck this life, man. I don’t want to live anymore.” (IMITATES CLACKING) “God damn it.” (IMITATES CLACKING) “Ow, fuck!” (IMITATES CLACKING, GROANS) “I feel better.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) “Wow. That was great. I think that’s all I needed. I got to remember that. I got to remember that.” Thank you very much. (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you very much. ♪ (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ (CAT MEOWING)

1686242980-418

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

Kathleen Madigan: Hunting Bigfoot (2023) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-hunting-bigfoot-transcript/

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [CROWD CHEERING] Wow. Hello, hello, hello, everybody. Wow. Thank you so much. Yeah, it’s so fun to be back in Denver. I’ve been coming here for 150,000 years and I’m never bored. There’s always something to do and that is not the case every week on the road. No. Just not long ago, I was in this tiny town in Georgia, me and my friend Vic, and we were looking for something to do and we kept asking the local people. He’s like, “We got eight hours off is there anything fun to do?” And they just… all of them responded with, “Well, you can zip line to another state for $55.” And I asked the one guy, just ’cause I wanted to see if he would know, I go, “What state would I end up in if I chose to do it?” And he literally answered me with a question. He goes, “Alabama?” Yes. That is the state on the other side of you, Jesus, even I know that and I don’t even live here. And I think that’s what you should do with your criminals in Georgia. You should zip line them in the middle of the night to Alabama. You give him an iPhone and $100 and say, “Look, if we see your ass again in Georgia, pow, pow, bang, bang. No jokey-jokey.” We were so bored. So he goes, “Well, let’s just go take a walk. There’s a creek over there.” So we took a walk and some lady pulled up with a red truck. I don’t know her. He doesn’t know her. She rolled out her window and she goes, “Hey, are y’all walking on purpose?” Wow. I’ve never been asked that in my whole life. I go, “Yeah, we’re walking on purpose.” She goes, “Why?” I said, “‘Cause we don’t want a zip line to Alabama.” [CROWD LAUGHS] Do you guys have saved your ticket? Like, this has been rescheduled because of COVID and I felt so bad during COVID, ’cause like I have relatives that are teachers and nurses and they all had to work so, so hard and it was all crazy. And as a comedian, I was told by the government to stay home and watch TV and… I nailed it. I’m just saying, I’m kind of an American hero. So, I followed my instructions. I watched stuff that I didn’t even know really while I was… why I was watching it, while I was watching them, I’m like, “Well, last I checked, I have a year off, so, I’ll finish it. Who cares?” I watched an hour-long special about Caitlyn Jenner, and I said to my sister, like, I don’t know, halfway through, and I go, “I have no idea what it’s like to want to transition, but the desire must be super powerful because she, Caitlyn, is in her 60s and had to go through all these surgeries and all this craziness to become a woman in her 60s.” I’m in my 50s and I don’t wanna go to LensCrafters, like… I won’t do it anymore. Like these contacts will rot my eyes, or I will drag my ass back down to that mall and have a millennial shoot air in my eye… that I didn’t ask for. [BLOWS RASPBERRY] Stop doing that. Stop doing that. “We have to test for glaucoma.” “No, you don’t. No, you don’t. I’ll give you some 70 bucks and sign a waiver. We’ll call it even.” [BLOWS RASPBERRY] “Oh, your eyes are closed again.” Yeah. That’s what happens when you shoot an F5 tornado into some of these eyeballs. That’s the natural reaction. That’s why Jesus gave us eyelids. That’s why we have those. God. A year off. I mean, people fantasize about that, right? We’ve all had those conversation. “What if you had a whole year of your life, like, what would you do? Would you, like, write a novel or, like, you know, learn pottery or, like, build a cabin?” [BLOWS RASPBERRY] Nope. Turns out nothing. I did nothing. I am no different unemployed than I am employed. There’s just more of it. Well, “Yeah, I will have a Bloody Mary right now. I don’t have to be at work or another 385 days. Yeah, go ahead. Make it a double.” Who cares? It really proved the nuns right of my grade school career, because in a Catholic school, they always took that opportunity on a report card to write something snide on the back, and they would always write. “Kathleen does not make productive use of her free time.” Like to shout-out to Sister Sheila, you nailed it. You did. You are still right. I did not make productive use of that time… a year. I thought about learning stuff, like I thought about learning Spanish, but then I’m like, “Yeah,” but they’re doing so good at English. Like, I’ll never catch up to them. Like, I’ll be dumb in two languages and there’s no reason to put yourself through that. I did teach myself how to gamble via phone. That was pretty exciting. Yeah. DraftKings, BetMGM, FanDuel, all of them. But here’s a little warning, if you have an addictive personality, just a little recommendation, I would turn the notifications off because that is a hundred percent the devil’s doorbell, okay? Every five seconds, “Bing. Hey, Kathleen. There’s a cricket match starting in Mumbai in four and a half minutes. Do you wanna get a bet in?” “Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.” I don’t… I don’t even know how to play cricket, but there’s only two teams. I got a 50/50 chance right out of the gate. Set it down, literally four minutes later, “Bing. Hey, Kathleen, there’s a women’s tennis tournament starting in Eastern Europe. Would you like to bet on individual players?” “Yes. Any lady that ends it ‘ova, ‘ I want $50 on all the ‘ova, ‘ surely one more win.” And then I’ll cover that bet. The only thing I did learn, which was alarming, is that I’ve been washing my hands wrong for 56 years. Yeah. Sanjay Gupta, the Buzzkill. He was on some show and he said, “In order to wash your hands properly, you have to wash your hands for three minutes.” [CROWD LAUGHS] Exactly. I’m like, “Three minutes? Sir, I am involved in a cricket match in Mumbai right now. Like, I’m a busy lady. I don’t know what you got going on.” I didn’t wanna fight during COVID. I hated all the fighting, so I tried it to avoid any situations, except at one point I had to drive through Kentucky and none of the normal gas stations were open. So I had to go to a back-ass hillbilly gas station, and I walked in and I had a mask on at the time, and the lady… there was only one person and there’s the lady working in there, and she’s smoking a cig. And in this hand, she had a scratch off lottery ticket and I thought, “Oh, wow, she still has hope. I like it.” But when she saw my mask, she went… [GROANS] so I was like, “Whatever.” I went to the bathroom. I got a soda, I got pretzels and sat them down. She looked at me with such disdain. She goes, “I just want you to know… we don’t got Corona here.” I said, “That’s okay because I mostly only drink Bud Light.” [CROWD LAUGHS] And she goes, “What?” I go, “I know, right?” And then I ran away. I literally ran. I left the soda. I dropped $20. I made it rain. And then I ran away. I was so… and I was on a roll before COVID because I’ve been on the road for, like, 185 years and I was like, “You know what? I should start doing some bucket list stuff that I wanna do before I decide to quit the road,” and one of the things I’ve always wanted to do was go ice fishing because it looks fun. And I booked myself at a casino in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. No. Yeah. If you’ve never been there, uh, it is beautiful. It’s probably some of the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen. But the people, um, I would describe them, and I think they would be proud of this, I would describe them as feral. Like… they are not properly socialized. Like… when you’re talking to them, they have long pauses. I’m like, “Are we done or do you have more thoughts? This is not a normal rhythm to a conversation.” They’re all real nice though. The lady in charge of the gig, I say, “Can you find somebody to take me ice fishing on Saturday? She called me back. She goes, “Okay, Kathleen, I found a guy that’s gonna take you and I promise he’s not a pervert.” What? Why would you say something like that? Like, what are you trying to get out in front of? What’s going on up here in the past? Because, I mean, I’m still going, but now I’m gonna be thinking about that the whole time. I mean, just looking at this strange man going in. I’m either gonna catch some fish or out of nowhere he’s gonna sexually assault me. But then I thought, “Yeah, but I bought so many different pieces of clothing from Bass Pro Shop.” I would almost challenge him like, “If you could get it off, you win it because you won’t… you won’t get it off because I don’t know how I got it on. I’m never getting out of these clothes.” Be the first #MeToo from what I saw. #MeToo. I wanted to support the women of the Me Too Movement, but like at one point, I turned on CNN and they literally, the people in charge, were chasing Chuck Grassley down… the senator from Iowa down a hallway to speak to him about the Me Too Movement. [BLOWS RASPBERRY] Ladies, Chuck is an 88-year-old farmer from Iowa. He doesn’t even understand why you’re out… like of the house. Like, “It’s a Tuesday. Where are your children, you two bad whores? And if you’re here, who’s making supper for your husband? I don’t understand what’s happening.” He’s 88. He’s not gonna get it. Don’t waste your time on him, like, old guys, it’s… some of it is generational. My dad doesn’t get it and my dad’s very liberal, but he’s also 80. This is his “Me too” thing. He goes, “This ‘Me Too’ thing, I mean, obviously, I don’t wanna see you girls get attacked at work.” Thanks, Dad. That’s a good thought. I like going to work with that thought. You know what? Today, Dad’s on my side about not getting attacked. He goes, “But seriously, this for ‘Me Too’ thing, are we gonna take it too far? Hmm? Are you not even gonna be able to wink at a gal in your office?” Nobody’s doing that anymore, Dad. I don’t know… I don’t know when it was popular, like, back in the ’60s when Bewitched was on or whatever, and you guys would all go get shitfaced at lunch and then just go back and wink your ass off as nobody you thought was super-hot? Uh-uh.” All right, Dad, if you winked a little at a millennial, they wouldn’t even know what you were doing. They would just be like, “Oh, my God, there’s something wrong with Mr. Madigan’s eye.” Like every time I walk by his office, he’s like… Maybe he has that dry eye Jennifer Aniston talks about in those commercials, right? Like, we should get them those drops, as a secret Santa and just leave them there for him. In the Me Too Movement, all the men that were accused… what was crazy is the media, it didn’t matter who was accused, another rich, powerful boss guy, they’d go, “Is it this shocking?” No, because the men you’re talking about are in charge and they’re the boss and they have money and power. It’ll be shocking, like, if you told me Jerry from the bowling alley did all that shit. I’m like, “What? Stop it. You’re kidding me.” Jerry can’t do it, because Jerry has no power. Jerry only has power over shoes. That’s Jerry’s area. And nobody cares about your bowling shoes. You take what you’re given and you’re happy. It’s just that easy, but, like, no matter what guy, Charlie Rose was one of the big ones because they thought he was such an esteemed journalist, Charlie Rose, I’m not saying he did it. I have no idea. But to be accused, not shocking. It would be shocking if you told me Charlie Rose was a furry. I’ll be like, “What? No way. What animal is he? I wanna know. I judge people… on what animal they chose.” And if you don’t know what a furry is, do not feel stupid. I didn’t know them until three years ago. I was sitting in a San Jose Marriot Bar that was attached to the convention center and it was my day off and all of these people in elaborate animal costumes started coming in and I was like, “Wow, they’re impressive,” right? And I… in my mind, I thought, “Oh, it must be a mascot convention,” right? You know, ’cause they work alone, they probably like to get together and complain about work, like we all do. But then as they kept coming in, I’m like, “You know, I know a lot about sports and I don’t recognize any of these mascots.” So then all on my own, I decided, “Oh, I bet it’s minor league,” you know, because there are so many teams. You can’t keep up. The Savannah Bananas, you know, like, too many. So the bartender came back and I go, “When… how long are the mascots in town?” He’s like, “What? Lady, those are furries.” I go, “Oh, what’s a furry?” He goes, “Well, I’m not one of them and I don’t wanna answer that question.” I said, “Well, my phone’s dead. Come on, I can’t Google it.” He goes, “Well, they’re like Millennial type age people and they like to dress up like animals. And then they come to these conventions and some of them just wanna be the animal and then others wanna hook up as the animal.” Okay. I said, “Well, can I just ask one follow-up question? Um, if, if you’re gonna hook up, do you have to stay within your species or is that taboo? Like can the beagle get with the iguana if nobody knows, or like…?” he was like, “Yeah.” And then he walked away. I’m like, “Well, I still wanted a beer. I know that you didn’t like that conversation.” I’m like, “Wow. That’s what a lot of the Millennials are doing on weekends.” And you know what? I am a fan of the Millennials because they’re the first generation that has realized that if you live with your parents long enough, eventually they’ll be glad you’re there. Yes! It’s gonna take a while, but grind it out, Millennials ’cause when your… when your parents are 85 and they see you in the kitchen, they’ll be like, “Hey, can you drive at night? That’s fantastic. We wanna go to bingo on Friday at 8:00. What’s your name again? Matt? Okay, Matt. So, Matt, did you leave ever or did you fail and come back, or did you just… have you been here? We forgot.” I am frequently shocked though when you’re dealing with Millennials in the general public and I think it’s kind of nice I guess that they truly believe on some level that strangers care about them. Like… I was in Lowe’s and I had all these tiny paint samples and paint brushes, I just… I set ’em down. And then I… the guy was like 30 whatever, and I go, “Hey, how are you doing, man?” He goes, “Uh, not good, lady. Not good.” He said, “I just saw the work schedule and I was supposed to have three days off in a row because I worked three days in a row, and I don’t. And I don’t even know if I wanna work here anymore.” And in my head, I thought, “Oh, my God, he thought I meant that.” I don’t really care how you are, sir. I barely care that I’m here. I… that was just a pleasantry. Those are nice things you say to keep society moving and forward progress so we don’t kill each other with barbecue equipment on weekends, like nobody cares. Yeah. I… that’s why I think we could use a little bit more to people being nice in public and pleasant because I think everybody forgot to behave, how to behave in the general public, like I went into a Taco Bell… yeah, like, be nice. It’s not that hard. People have just flipped their lids like… I went to a Taco Bell. Now, there’s only two girls, they’re probably in their 20s and there’s only two employees ’cause we’re not employees anymore. One’s trying to fix the drive-thru which is broken, which is why I went in and there’s one girl that’s gonna wait on me and there’s a man ahead of me. He’s about mid-60s. She tells him they’re completely out of mild sauce. And he loses it. He just loses it. And he starts yelling and screaming. And in my mind, I’m like, “Dude, that is the last lady on the Titanic handing out life jackets. Like, don’t piss her off because that’s the 20-somethings, they will quit, sir. I don’t think you understand. They will fucking leave in a minute.” And they all agree on that. It’s like they formed a union without ever having a meeting. It’s… and I think their union should be called “Yeah, no,” ’cause they won’t. [CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] And good for them, you know, ’cause it never occurred to our generation. “Hey, I could just leave here.” Nope. Never even thought about it. “Oh, man, this blows but I’m gonna stay ’cause I thought I’d die.” But I’m looking at him going, he’s still yelling at the girl. I’m like, “If she quits, sir, do you understand we have to do it. Do you know how to make a gordita? I don’t. I want a soft-shelled chalupa, no idea.” Then I went out to the car and my sister goes, “Oh, I saw that guy losing his mind. What was he saying?” I said, “It doesn’t even matter what he was saying. I can tell you this though, I know it was for, uh, certainty. We as a nation are not prepared for war.” That was mild sauce. Not even fire. He went that crazy. Sometimes I wish the Millennials could be a little more flexible though ’cause I think they’re linear, ’cause they grew up with the computer, they fully trust the computer, um, to the point where sometimes they’re like… I was babysitting my brother’s three kids, and I called to get pizzas to be delivered and the girl goes, “What’s the address?” And I gave it to her. She goes, “Hmm, yeah, that’s not coming up on GPS so we can’t bring your pizza.” Oh. I’m like, “Can we do it the old way or I’ll just tell you how to get here and then you’ll come with pizza and then I’ll just throw a bunch of crumpled dollar bills in your direction with tips and all that?” She goes, “No, because we were taught in training that if you go to a house that has a GPS address that doesn’t come up, that’s exactly how you get lured to your own death.” What? So I said, just to see… I wanted to see if I would get a reaction, I go, “Yeah. ‘Cause I remember like in the ’70s and ’80s all those pizza kids that were murdered, like every weekend we’d lose another 400 and then more signed up. I don’t even know. That was just in the Midwest. I don’t even know the coastal counts.” And she just goes, “Yeah. Bye.” Like I don’t… she may have believed it, not sure. They’re a trusting bunch, the Millennials, which I appreciate. I like, I think it’s nice. I don’t think my group, not trusting at all. Like during COVID, one of the things that was really weird is like, most of my normal friends and my relatives, they still had to go to work so they had stuff to do so nobody wanted to participate in my world. And, like, one day I called my brother, he worked at a bank and I go, “Hey, Pat, you’re not gonna believe this but there’s a king cobra loose in Grand Prairie, Texas ’cause some asshole forgot to put the lid on his “cobra cage,” and it’s just running around a normal neighborhood. And my brother goes, “Well, you’re not gonna believe this Kathleen, but I have a job.” And he hung up. Boo. Boo, Patrick. So then I texted him, I knew that would make him mad, I’m like, “So I guess you don’t care about the zebras loose in Maryland either then, do you, Pat? You wanna know more? Call me back.” So I didn’t have anybody to talk to so I thought, well… I started Madigan’s Pubcast ’cause I thought, “Well, there’s gonna be a lot of” yeah, it’s fun, people. Somebody wants to hear these stories, right? ‘Cause they’re true. It’s important there’s a cobra loose for Christ’s sake. But I had a Millennial hit me up on Instagram and she wrote, “I’m coming to see your show in Austin ’cause I love your podcast. I didn’t know you were a comedian.” Okay. Fair enough, you know? She’s young, whatever. Fair enough. But I was very curious. I go, just out of curiosity, ’cause she had bought a ticket, I go, “What did you think I was gonna do when you got there?” And she wrote back, “Well, I didn’t know.” I thought, “Wow, that’s so trusting.” Like I’m 56, I’ve never bought a ticket to a surprise show in my life. I got 37 bucks. Let’s see what’s going on in that building. I do wish the Millennials though would step it up in this one department. I would like them to run for office. I’d like them to try to be in charge. Yeah, ’cause the people in charge right now, um, we are being governed by a Florida Bridge club and… nobody seems alarmed and nobody wants to say nothing ’cause you’re being mean to Meemaw. No, I don’t… I don’t give a shit anymore. It has gotten… it has gone over the rainbow. Chuck Grassley, the 88-year-old from Iowa, announced on Twitter, and I know he’s doing his own tweets. You know how I know that? Because he signs them. Okay, Papaw, you don’t have to do that. He announced he’s running again. No, Papaw, no. You are 88. You go home now. That’s what you do when you’re 88. And it doesn’t… yeah. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] It doesn’t mean that you don’t have worth and you don’t have value, but you gotta find something else to do instead of being in charge of 350 million people. Okay, Papaw? Here’s… like, my dad was a lawyer, my dad retired, and then my dad became a golf marshal. That’s appropriate. If you don’t know what a golf marshal is, it’s an old guy that gets in a cart and then he drives around the course and yells at other old people to hurry their asses up because not everybody has 11 hours to play four holes. And it’s both sides of the aisle. I mean, there’s no difference. I mean Nancy Pelosi, I don’t really know for sure how old she is, but some days I know for sure her teeth don’t fit right. I know that. I know that. ‘Cause it happens to my mom. It’s a bridge issue. There’s like a clip that goes on that fang tooth and if it slips, it’s not good. Like my mom will be speaking like a totally normal human being and then it’s just full-on Liza Minnelli, [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] Mom, fix it. Clip it back on. You sound like you’re having a stroke and… I don’t know. But Nancy will do it live on TV, just come out for a press conference. “Hi, everybody, it’s me, Nancy Pelosi. And today I’d like you… I’d like to discuss insurance. I’m like, “Ah, fix it.” “Affordable healthcare insurance, that’s what I like to talk about. I don’t know sign language. It looks like I do. Actually, my hands just do this ’cause I’m Italian. We talk with our hands. That’s why I have such good skin ’cause I’m Italian. I’m actually… I’m 64. Nobody knows that.” No. No. Over 80. Mitch McConnell, the talking turtle from Kentucky. No, I just can’t look at you anymore. It’s over now. The man’s never voted yes for anything, you know? “I vote no on everything. That’s my thing. Sometimes if I haven’t voted no in a while, I’ll write a bill just to vote against myself so I stay in practice.” And I’m not saying the Millennials would be any smarter, I don’t know. But I know for sure they don’t have grudges that go back so far, they’re not repairable because I haven’t had the time to have ’em. When you hear these, these people fighting, and Mitch McConnell, “Well, I remember when Nancy Pelosi voted against the Spanish-American War.” I was like, “You California-salad-eating- pie-nut-loving-fruitcake-piece-of-shit, them boys at the Alamo would be alive if it wasn’t for Nancy Pelosi.” And so the only time I’ve ever voted yes in my life, reinforcements for Mr. David Crockett.” Stop. It’s crazy. And then who are we presented with? More 80-somethings. Bernie Sanders said he’s probably pretty sure he’s gonna run again. Bernie is like from the Bible old. Like I… if you could bet on DraftKings, one person is still alive from the Bible, I’d throw a hundred on Bernie. I’m like, “Yes.” And I liked Bernie. I had a soft spot for him ’cause to me, every time he showed up somewhere, he always looked like he may have just been involved in a car accident. “I’m sorry I’m late. Let me take off my mittens. The maid in Vermont by a woman named Naomi. If you’d like a pair, go to my website.” I thought Biden was too old. And I don’t know why nobody helps the guy, like I don’t get it. Like when he’s out giving speeches, I would do it for free. I’ll be in charge of… I’ll be in charge of him ’cause here’s what I would say to him, I go, “Joe, here’s the deal. Guess what? We’re not gonna do anymore story times. We’re not… ixnay on the stories, okay? ‘Cause it’s… they’re very dated, stick to the script. And what I’m gonna do for you, Joe, is I’m gonna stay on side stage with a burlap bag full of tennis balls. And any time you start going off-script and telling a story, I’m gonna throw a tennis ball in your direction, not at you, just so you see it and you go, ‘Oh, shit. Right. I’m not supposed to do that.’ Right. Right.” Because at one point he kept repeating the story, no one’s ever stopped him. It’s a story about when he was a teenager and there was another gang somewhere in Delaware and that gang leader was named Corn Pop. And he said, “Remember the night before a gang fight how you’d take that straight razor and you’d put it in a rain barrel to let it get rusty all night?” “Ah-ah, tennis ball, where is the tennis ball?” “What are you talking about?” A straight razor? No, I don’t… sound like we’re in the Westerns where they go like that on their face and then you’re saying you put it in water on purpose to get it rusty to then, I guess when you stabbed people, to give them tetanus? Like, this is sociopathic. No. I thought Trump was too old. But here’s where I knew he was definitely too old because whenever he gives speeches in any state that has any relationship with coal or coal mining, he gets up front, everybody goes, “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna open, like, a bazillion, gillion, trillion new coal mines. And we’re gonna have coal everywhere. And all the young people are gonna be so happy because they could be coal miners and they can stay in their area.” Part of me thought, “You know what? I think he believes that in, in some way but I think you believe that because you’re too old.” Because I have met 50,000 Millennials on the road and I have not yet met one that I think would agree to be a coal miner. And nor should they. I would give everything I have though to see their reaction to the job description of coal mining, just sitting on their phones, half-ass paying attention to me, “So wait. What? So, like, you want me to go into Earth in the daytime, in a rollercoaster to get rocks, like rocks? Well, will my phone work down there because I won’t do it if I can’t TikTok. That’s my thing. So, yeah, no.” I tried to learn to TikTok over the pandemic. My nieces love it, but they’re 13 and they’re like, “We’ll show you, Aunt Kath.” And they show me their phones and I watch them. If you’ve never seen TikTok, it’s just a barrage of videos. And I put them down and they’re like, “You didn’t like it, did you?” I go, “Well, here’s what I’ll say about it, ‘I feel like I just sat next to someone who did an eight ball.'” [LAUGHTER] “Nope.” I’m a drinker, not a drugger, so nope.” And they go like, “Oh, are you saying it’s, like, too much?” I go, “Yeah, it’s way too much. I can’t… I can’t process it.” They go, “Yeah. But just because our videos are mostly dance, and music, and stuff, like you could build your own and it won’t be as crazy.” I said, “All right.” So I signed up and I don’t know how it decides what your first batch of videos is gonna be. But my first batch, all of my people were in hospice. I was like… [LAUGHTER] “This is horrible. Why would anybody watch this? Why, why is this entertaining?” And they’re like, “Don’t watch it too long or you’ll get a lot more of them.” I was like, “What?” They’re like, “Mm-hmm. Too late. You went past six seconds.” They go, “Did you ever watch one somewhere?” I go, “Okay. On Instagram, I did. I watched a hospice video. Maybe they know that because the girl was so young, she was like 26 years old. She was sadly dying. But she had said it all started with her eye twitching, and at the time, my left eye had been twitching for like two and a half weeks, I just know I was tired running around.” Then I was like, “Shit. I didn’t know it could end like this.” Like, this is… I’d prefer Instagram because it’s passive. It’s just… yeah. It’s just, “Oh, look, beagle, puppy. Beagle… oh, there’s a cat eating a popsicle.” It’s just pleasant. There’s nothing bad. People are nice on Instagram. Like Twitter, I like it, but it’s aggressive. You better be ready. It’s like walking into a bar at midnight and everybody’s had shots except you. Yeah. “Well, look what the cat dragged in with a little opinion about nothing.” And I’ve tweeted about everything and never really got any backlash, except, it was shocking… sports. Who would think? You’d think it’d be politics or… nope, nope, nope, nope. Just sports. One day, I just tweeted out, because I’m from St. Louis, I tweeted out, “Go Cards.” That’s all I wrote. “Shut your whore, bitch mouth.” Hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey. That was uncalled for, okay? I didn’t type, “Fuck the Cubs,” did I? No. I typed, “Go Cards.” That’s all I said. So I don’t tweet about sports anymore. Facebook, I don’t love it. I have it for work. But I don’t like Mark Zuckerberg, yeah, because I feel like he stole all of our information. He sold it 17 times around the globe to Sunday and he never really paid a price for that. Right. [APPLAUSE] And sadly, last summer, we had him in front of a senate committee, but the people asking the questions were so old. I truly think they were just excited to meet him. I do. “Well, hello there, Mr. Zuckerberg. I joined the Facebook on a Sunday morning. Super happy you’re here because, coincidentally, I forgot my password. It used to be 1234 then the wife said that was too easy. And I changed it but I don’t remember. So I was hoping at the break you could help me retrieve the said password. My parents like it, but they’re 80.” They get up in the morning, they drink coffee, and then they troll the entire family, every second cousin, third cousin, people we lived by when I was five. That’s their morning entertainment. That’s what I told my teenage nieces and nephews, I’m like, “Uh, heads up, if I were you guys, I would not friend Grandpa, or Grandma for that matter. They look innocent and they seem nice, but they’re spies. That’s what they are. They’re flat-out spies. They’re gonna go through your whole feed and they’re gonna read everything and then they’re gonna tell your parents who are too busy for that shit and report back.” Well, one nephew goes, “Well, I already friended Grandpa.” I go, “Well, I would unfriend Grandpa.” And he goes, “Well, I think it would hurt his feelings.” I said, “Well, if he were to notice, which he will not, just tell him it broke. There will be no further questions, because they’ll accept that.” “Huh. All right. It broke.” Both of our… both of our parents just turned 80. And I go, “You know what? You’re the age. You’re the exact age, as a matter of fact, of people that are running this country.” I said, “Honestly, do you think you could be the president?” And my dad goes, “Uh, do you mean individually?” I said, “As compared to what?” He goes, “As a couple. Could we do it as a couple?” I go, “What?” “Well, you know, like, some days, I don’t remember anything, but your mom will remember all kinds of stuff. It’s weird. And in other days, she won’t remember shit.” And I’m like, “I got you. I got it.” “Together, we’re probably about 68.” He said. But individually, Christ, no, Kathleen, we can’t. I don’t even know where the car is at.” I think the cutoff should be 70 or 75. That’s fair enough, right? If you have to be a minimum age, there should be a maximum age. Like it… because I’ve seen the difference in my parents between, say, 70 and 80. Like 70, everything was pretty much all right, I’d say. Eighty, oh, now, whenever I see them, they’re completely covered in Band Aids. I’m like… “Wow. What are you guys doing? Are you, like, stabbing each other with pencils for fun?” My dad’s like, “No, no, no. It’s the medication we take, Kathleen. You’re barely banging or something, there’s blood shooting everywhere. It’s a problem. It’s a problem. We can’t even go to your sister’s house because of that cat. We’ll bleed out over there. We will bleed out.” He goes, “Look at these scratch marks. These are three weeks old, Kathleen. They… we don’t heal anymore either. That’s a new thing. We don’t heal.” And I looked and I go, “Oh, my God. Let me go get the new skin.” “It won’t work. We tried it. Here’s the problem with new skin, it turns out your skin, you have to have enough skin to connect with that other skin and we’re running out of skin. I don’t know what comes after this.” [LAUGHTER] At 80, there’s so many health problems that, like, nothing’s alarming anymore. It’s like, oh, okay. I called. They were in Florida and I said, “Hey, what are you guys doing?” My mom goes, “Well, we’re going to the hospital because your dad thinks he might be having another heart attack.” I said, “Oh, shit.” I go, “Well, let me talk to him.” She goes, “Well, no, he’s driving.” [LAUGHTER] I go, “Seriously, Mom?” “I know it’s crazy, Kathleen, but he said if I drive, he sure will have a heart attack. And right now, it could be indigestion. We ate spicy food last night.” I don’t love calling there ’cause he has his hearing aids. And if you call somebody with hearing aids on his cell phone, this is all you’re probably gonna hear on your end… “Eeeeeee…” and they don’t hear you going, “Hello?” They don’t hear it because the stupidest system I’ve ever heard of, the hearing aid company decided that when a hearing aid battery is going even slightly low, they decided the good idea would be to have the hearing aid make a noise to alert the hard-of-hearing person, which they don’t hear. Everyone else hears it. Dogs in the neighborhood are going all… [MIMICS DARK BARKING] What’s that?” [MIMICS DARK BARK] Like, what a dumbass system. Like when the hearing aid is about to go dead, that thing should start vibrating in his ear and then fly around the house like that ball in Harry Potter till he grabs it out of the air. And then when they get older, there’s less to talk about because they do less, you know. So when I call, that’s fine, but like they golf. They like to golf. So if I ask my dad, how was golf, oh, 45-minute answer. I don’t know if that’s a dude thing. He will go through every hole, every club, every putt, how he was in the woods versus my mom, nope. “Mom, how was golf?” “I saw a fox.” Yes. Thank you. That’s what I’m looking for. Short, concise, interesting, animal-based. Jesus Christ. She has an iPhone because I bought it and I sincerely wish I hadn’t because now, every time it breaks, she calls me. She’s like, “Kathleen, that iPhone you bought me broke again so I took it to Walmart.” Random. “We didn’t buy it at Walmart, but whatever, Mom. You’re 80. Take all your broken shit into Walmart. Just throw it on the ground. Start crying. Maybe somebody will fix it. Maybe you’ll be arrested, whatever. You got to nothing else going on. Do it.” She said, “No, they won’t. They won’t help you. I went back to that phone counter and there was a young guy working there and he asked me a question. I answered it, and then he started laughing. And then another kid came out, I asked the same question. And this went on through three people, Kathleen.” I said, “Well, what was the question?” She said, “Well, he kept saying, who is your provider? And I kept saying, my daughter.” [LAUGHTER] No. I am not… I’m not your provider, but I’m, like, your… your supplier. Like a drug deal, I gave you the supply.” She goes, “Well, who’s our provider as of right now?” I said, “Our provider is Sprint because we don’t care about service.” Sprint is so shilly. But I don’t care because some days, I don’t like getting calls, you know. Let the Lord decide who’s getting through. I’ll… I’m involved in a cricket match in Mumbai. I don’t have that kind of time. Sprint is so strange, though. I think I’ve… I think I stay because I’m curious because, like, it doesn’t work in places where it should work like here or Chicago, you know, cities, like, it doesn’t really work. But then out of nowhere, it’ll work in some random ass place. That’s why I like if you’re gonna go out drinking, and you think things might get crazy and maybe go off the rails, you should make sure somebody in your group has Sprint because like if we got completely shitfaced tonight and ended up in one of El Chapo’s tunnels, and people were like, “Oh, my God. Well, how can we get out? Our phones won’t work.” Oh, yeah, bitches. Who’s got four bars? Sprint does. That’s right. [LAUGHS] It’s never even truly bothered me, except one time I flew to South Dakota and my plan was I’m gonna get off the plane and Uber to this casino deal. Well, when I landed, my phone was just going… [MIMICS ERROR TONE] like a tornado warning or something crazy. And then it started blinking. I’ve never seen anything happen before like that. “You are now internationally roaming.” Oh, Sprint. I’m in South Dakota. There’s another one on top of it. I’m not even near a border, you morons. But then I was curious to see if they had Uber, and there’s nobody in the airport. It’s small. It’s pretty much empty, but there’s an old lady in a card table that just says “information.” And she’s doing the crossword puzzle and I walked out. But I was very respectful and polite. I go, “Excuse me, ma’am. I was just curious. Do you guys have Uber here?” She’d never stop doing the crossword puzzle. She goes, “I don’t know anyone by the name of Uber. But if you need a ride, I can have Darryl come get you.” No. ‘Cause when she said “get,” I heard “take.” I’m like, “No. I’m not getting in the car with Darryl.” So, then I thought, “Well, I’ll just rent a car. The phone ain’t working anyway.” And I rent from Avis and I love Avis. And here’s why, ’cause if you rent a lot of times from Avis, you get in their frequent renter club. And their frequent renter club is the Wizard Club. So, you become a wizard, right? And they send you a card in the mail, like, mine said Wizard Madigan. And I… you would not think that that would excite me at this age, but it was so awesome. I was so excited. And then the greatest part is, like, if you’re in a bigger city where they have the shuttle, when the Avis shuttle pulls up, a full-grown adult has to look at me, another full-grown adult and without laughing… say, “Are you a wizard?” [BLOWS RASPBERRIES] God damn right I’m a wizard. Come on. Just once before I quit the road, I wanna get dressed up from head to toe as a wizard. And I don’t wanna wait at the Avis shuttle spot and I… I don’t wanna have luggage or nothing. I wanna have one of those scepter sticks with the ball on the end. And then when the driver pulls up, he goes, “Are you a wizard?” I wanna go, “Ahh!” ’cause at best, I’m a crazy lady. At worst, I’m a real wizard and I just did something horrible. My parents go to Florida in the winter ’cause it’s warmer than Missouri. That’s where I’m from, the State of Missouri. Oh, that was such a smattering polite applause. I know people don’t know how to react. It’s okay. It’s in the middle. At least you guys have an idea of where it’s at, in Colorado. But like the Coast? No. I was in California. It’s a bar. The girl says, “I’m gonna need to see your license.” I gave it to her. She goes, “Missouri. Is that by Minnesota?” I said, “It is. In the ’80s, we moved all the M’s together so they could be in the middle for the M, you know. Like, we moved Montana over and then that kicked Iowa even further by the “I’s” like Illinois and Indiana.” And she just went, “Oh.” And walked away. I went, “Oh, my God. I think she believed me.” That’s not true. Don’t tell your friends that. That is not true. I grew up in St. Louis and I grew up a lot in the Ozarks. And lately, there have been a lot of shows about the Ozarks. And my mom is so upset. She’s like, “Have you seen these shows about the Ozarks?” ‘Cause they live their full-time in Florida.” And she’s like, “I just find it awful. They’re making us look like hillbillies. And, Kathleen, we have a Panera now.” [LAUGHTER] It’s getting more modern, but that hillbilly thing is still definitely there. Last Christmas Eve, me and my brother, I said, “Before we go back to Mom and Dad’s, let’s just stop and get a beer.” And we went to some back ass Ozark hillbilly bar and we walked in. We’re the only two people. Great. But a guy comes in, and Missouri is an open-carry state. That used to mean liquor. Now it just means any weapon you can find on the Internet, like a cannon. Bring it. Fuck it. Nobody cares. Bow and arrow, you’re good. No problem. Guns, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a free for all. But this guy walked in with a gun on each hip and he sat down on the barstool and he ordered three Bud Lights and three shots of Fireball. Yeah. He’s alone, right? So, he’s here. I’m here. My brother’s here. So, I moved from this bar stool around to this side, putting my brother in the line of fire in the event that hillbilly hell decides to shoot a gun tonight for fun or some shit. But I knew he’d see me do it and I knew it might cost a thing. And he looked at me and he goes, “You scared of this?” And I knew he meant the guns. Well, I go, “No. I’m not scared of Bud Light. That’s crazy talk.” I said, “I’m not scared of your Fireball either. I love Fireball every now and then. And I’m not even scared of your guns. But altogether… [CROWD LAUGHS] …I find it a little concerning.” And then he said, “So, you don’t believe in the Second Amendment? Well, now before you answer that question, you have to think about it ’cause it’s gonna deem how the rest of your night’s gonna go. And I had already ordered nachos, right?” [CROWD LAUGHS] So, I said, “I will only discuss the Second Amendment if you could name another amendment.” [CROWD LAUGHS] [CROWD CHEERING] [CHUCKLES] And that’s when my brother got mad at me. He’s like, “Goddammit. Can you ever just keep your mouth shut, Kathleen? We were having a nice time. Is this where you wanna die? Is it? You wanna die at the drunken catfish? ‘Cause this is what’s gonna happen when you mouth off off like that.” I said, “Patrick, you’re getting way too upset. He didn’t even understand my joke. Like, some jokes are just for me. He shot his Fireball and smiled. We’re good. Everything is good. Everything is fine.” [CROWD LAUGHS] It gets too cold for my mom and dad there, though. It doesn’t get as cold as when I was a kid. I mean, something’s happening. I don’t know what with the weather. But, like, when I was in fifth grade, that year we had 57 snow days. Yup, 57. And we never made them up. [CROWD LAUGHS] Nope. The nun said, “Fuck it. School is over on May 26th. And don’t even think about bringing those little rat bastards back around here because this convent’s got a float trip down the Merrimack scheduled and we’re going.” [CROWD LAUGHS] That’s why, like, when my friends with grade school kids or my younger siblings that have grade school kids during COVID, when it was an online homeschooling, they were all just unraveling. One phone call was worse than the next. “This is ridiculous. I don’t even know how to do sixth grade math anymore. Science, I never understood to begin with. I’m drinking margaritas at 9:00 in the morning so I don’t kill people in this house.” [CROWD LAUGHS] At one point, I told my younger sister, I go, “Just don’t do it.” She goes, “What?” I go, “Just don’t do it. It doesn’t matter. I missed 57 days of fifth grade. And so far in my life, it’s never come up.” [CROWD LAUGHS] I’ve never been in a bar where somebody said something and I was the only one shocked, like, “What?” We had a Civil War? Shut up. I never heard about that. Maybe…” [CROWD LAUGHS] My parents like Florida. I don’t really, totally get it. They leave the day after Christmas and then they come back on Easter. Like Jesus, they rise from the State of Florida back to my brother’s backyard in Missouri. They just reappear. I’m like, “Wow, you’re back. And there’s still two of you. Well done. I don’t know what you’re doing down there, but you look wonderful.” There… there’s a lot of drinking going on down there with the old people in the retirement places. Like, my mom goes, “I want you to go to my golf league and meet my friends.” I said, “Okay. What time do we tee-off, 8:00? But I like to get there at 6:00.” What? I said, “No, Mom. 7:00.” I’ll go. “All right. Fine.” So, we go at 7:00. I meet all of her friends. I get in the golf cart at 7:40 AM. I go, “Mom, your friends are a lot of fun, but what exactly is wrong with that lady, Marybeth?” She goes, “Oh, well, she’s hammered.” [CROWD LAUGHS] I said, “Dear Mom, it is 7:40 in the morning.” She goes, “Well, we don’t have a relationship with time anymore, Kathleen. We don’t really live within time. We’re like out of time. We’re in a different dimension than you people that are in real time.” She goes, “You know, I mean, some days we wake up at 3:00. Some days 6:00. I mean, today, I’ve already had lasagna.” [CROWD LAUGHS] Oh, my God. I’ll tell you what, though, if you ever think you have a drinking problem, go down to Florida and hang out with those old people ’cause they will do stuff for you, like, “Whoa. Hey, Jameson and toast?” Like, I’ve never even thought about that. I’m fine. Like, I’m fine. [CROWD LAUGHS] I never truly have ever thought I had a drinking problem till about three years ago. I was in Nash… I flew in Nashville and I rented a car and my friend goes, “Oh, people are coming over. Can you stop and get some wine?” I said, “Sure.” I don’t know the liquor laws in every state. So, I go into a grocery store and I get a bottle of red, a bottle of white, sat them down. The lady looks at me with complete disdain and she goes, “Ma’am, those are not for sale.” I said, “Well, I don’t wanna freak anybody out, but there’s a whole aisle of them.” [CROWD LAUGHS] And they have price tags on them. That front door is open and that cash register is on. So, to somebody who ain’t from around here, this whole situation implies that a sale’s going down. And she said, and I quote, “Ma’am, Tennessee is a Christian state.” Now I didn’t say nothing right there ’cause I still wanted the wine. I thought I was in the game, right? I just let that one go. It’s hard, but I let it go. She goes, “And you are not allowed to buy wine on Sundays.” Now, I might have been okay if she just stopped there, but she kept going. She goes, “But you can buy beer.” What? I go, “Can I ask you something? And I’m not… I’m not from here. I’m not trying to be sarcastic.” And she goes, “You may.” I said, “Well, I’m not from here and I’m catholic, so I don’t really know anything about the Bible, but…” [CROWD LAUGHS] …too vague, too long, sorry. I don’t have the time. But I do think… I remember a story from the Bible about Jesus turning water into wine. And I don’t think I have ever heard a story about Jesus turning water into beer. So, maybe you can explain to me why the Christians in the state of Tennessee will make Jesus a beer guy when clearly He was a wine guy. Like, that’s documented. [CROWD LAUGHS] Now there’s two men behind me. A guy and an older guy with overalls on and he leaves and the old guy in the overalls, he says to me, “Ma’am, it’s just all about the alcohol content.” I go, “Right. But, like, if I drink 20 beers, I’d be way more drunk than if I just had a glass of wine with dinner, right?” He goes, “Yeah. You’re right. I didn’t even know what I meant. I just heard that on the TV when they were talking about it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] Wow. I’m like, I’m in a circle of stupid and I started it. And now I can’t get out. Now she’s mad at him, too, the old lady. She said… we’re both in the penalty box. And she goes, “I want you both to know I don’t find any of this humorous.” [CROWD LAUGHS] I said, “Me neither.” And I left ’cause I got my wine. And then as I was walking to the car, I was getting madder and madder. And then I thought, “Wait a minute. I’m get… maybe I have a drinking problem. I’m getting way too angry about two shitty bottles of wine.” But then I was like, “No. If I had a drinking problem, I’d have bought the beer ’cause a drink is a drink at some level.” [CROWD LAUGHS] I’m on cheat day with alcohol, too. Wine, I don’t care what kind. Boxed wine, fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. I don’t know who’s doing their marketing but they’re not selling their biggest selling points. The two biggest selling points to me about the boxed wine first and foremost, especially if you have judgey neighbors, it makes no noise in the trash. That’s right. [CROWD APPLAUDING] “What’d you do all weekend?” “Nothing. It’s super quiet.” [CROWD LAUGHS] The other thing is you can always get into a box of wine. I’ve been given bottles of wine on the road, go back to the hotel. Shit. No wine opener. And then, boom, the cork breaks. Oh, sad times. No wine. That’s never gonna happen with a box of wine. ‘Cause even if that sprout deal breaks off, you can stab it. You can stab the box. You’re getting in if you’re determined. Even with a pair of tweezers, you can get in there. But hold them tight ’cause sometimes if it hits it, it could slide backwards and cut your hand. I’m not gonna tell you why I would know that, but just trust me. I do find… some of my friends know a lot about wine, but sometimes I think they’re situationally unaware. Like, I took my friend Lou to a really shitty lake dive bar in Tennessee. We get in and he goes, “So, Kathleen, did you have a wine list?” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Lou, look behind the bar. Look on the wall. You see what we’re looking at?” I go, “That’s a stuffed squirrel playing a tiny banjo, Lou.” Yeah. It’s marvelous. I don’t even know where you find that. Do you Google on Amazon a squirrel tiny banjo? I don’t… and then the person shellacked that and then they nailed that to driftwood and then they hung that as a full piece of art. And you know what? The guy who did that, Lou, does not have a wine list. I guarantee you that guy has a bottle of Jack Daniels and a carton of Marlboro Reds. And this is his idea of art. And I like it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] A lot of people, as they get older, they just decide to quit drinking. I’m like, “No, I’m not gonna quit.” I do find, though, the older I get, there’s stuff I won’t start that I might have when I was young. You know, people are… it’s usually physical things. “Hey, do you wanna learn how to snow ski?” “Um, let me Google the deductibles on broken legs.” Oh, no. I’ll be at the bar at $16,000.” No. I did a corporate gig in Hawaii, which never happens and they were such a nice group. They were from Minnesota, this insurance company, and every day, the leader of the group would call my room to see if I wanted to do their activities. It was always going, “Hey, Kathleen, that’s me, Bob from Minnesota.” “I know, Bob, you don’t have to keep saying the Minnesota part. I got you because it’s either you or the My Pillow Guy calling my room. And I don’t know that man.” He goes, “Well, I just wanted to see if you wanted to join us for surf camp.” I said, “Well, I don’t have my glasses on, but I think it’s dark outside right now.” He goes, “Yeah, it’s dark, it’s 5:30, but the sun comes up at 6:00 and we’re gonna start surf camp at dawn.” I thought, “Oh, I didn’t say it.” [INDISTINCT] how fortunate for the sharks that all, all of these white walleyes from Minnesota are just gonna drop through their ceiling right in time for breakfast, be like pizza’s falling in here tonight. We’re like, “Oh, my God, look, a pepperoni. This is crazy.” [CROWD LAUGHS] But I didn’t say that because I don’t wanna be rude. And he goes, “Well, you know, just in case you are afraid, I wanna let you know now they have foam surfboards. So, if it does come back and hit you in the face, it doesn’t break all your facial bones.” [CROWD LAUGHS] You’re still not selling me all this, Bob, because I’ll tell you this, Bob and I wasn’t gonna bring it up, but since we keep talking about it on the way over here, I did think about snorkeling and I Googled, uh, shark attacks in the water surrounding Maui. And in the last six years or five, there’s been three fatalities. Now, that may not seem like a lot compared to the amount of people that are in the water every day, but it is a lot if you were one of those three because that’s it. The game’s over. That’s it. It’s over. And I can’t tell you how I am gonna die, Bob, but I can tell you how I’m not gonna die. [CROWD LAUGHS] And unless there is a great white shark bartending at that tiki hut, [CROWD LAUGHS] it’s not going down like that, Bob. [CROWD CHEERING] And then what’s crazy if you put something like that into YouTube or Google, shark attacks in the water, oh, my God, seven million videos come up of horrifying things. And I don’t know what made me click on the one. It was like a 60 Minutes or one of those shows. It was an old guy interviewing this young, cute girl, a surfer girl. But unfortunately, her right arm had been eaten off by a shark. And this was to be a feel-good thing because she’s gonna surf again and she’s sitting there with her parents and the old guy goes, “So you’re gonna to surf again, huh? Are you nervous? Because, well.” [CROWD LAUGHS] So inappropriate, right? And the… but the girl goes, “No, because like I told my parents, what are the odds of a shark eating my other arm?” And her parents were just sitting there. I wanted to go, “Tell her, the same, the exact Goddamn same. What’s the matter with you?” And you know why they’re the same? Because sharks don’t have Monday morning meetings about what has occurred and what will be occurring. “This is Tiffany. Somebody ate her right arm off a year and a half ago. She’s getting back in the water. Let’s not eat her left arm off, too, okay? Don’t be a dick, Bill. Everybody knows it’s you. There’s a lot of nice sharks in this room giving us a bad name.” [CROWD LAUGHS] And I’ve watched Shark Week my whole life. I’m not getting in ever, ever again. It’s never, ever gonna happen. I like Shark Week and I really love the show. I’m very faithful to the show Snapped on Oxygen. Yeah, it’s, it’s like the only show they have anymore. Like, if you turn on the guide on Oxygen, it just says “Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap, Snap.” And if you’ve never seen it, it’s about women who have tolerated a whole lot of crap in their life. Bad crap. Until one day, they don’t. [CROWD LAUGHS] And that’s the snap. And what’s crazy about this show is not only are the crimes usually off the charts crazy, but the women who did them, they’re on the show. It’s not actors. And they seem so extraordinarily normal. Like any lady you’d meet in the suburbs. I know now nobody’s normal. And it’s the way they tell the story. It sounds almost sweet when it starts. “Hi. My name’s Sue. Uh, yeah, me, and, uh, me and Dave got married young. We were young. But a couple of years into the marriage, I found out he was having an affair, and I was just heartbroken. I was so upset. But he apologized and said he was drunk and I was young, so I stayed. Fast forward, a couple kids later, a few more years later, I find out he’s having his second affair. And now I’m angry. I am. I’m angry because we have two little kids and this is their dad and they really like him. And again, I chose to stay. And then fast forward a few more years later, I found out he was having his third affair. And that’s when I set him on fire. [CROWD LAUGHS] Yeah, I did. He was just laying there on that couch, passed out, and I thought, you know, I’ve asked him to move the gas cans in the garage at least 87 times. And I thought, you know, dammit, I’ll move them. You watch me. I’ll do it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] And this is why when my friends in their 40s and 50s, they get divorced and then they’ll start dating and then they’ll always circle back around and go, “Goddamn, Kathleen, I had no idea how many women out there are crazy.” Well, you know what? That’s your fault, because we have a whole channel devoted to what we are capable when the envelope gets pushed and it’s… you can watch it, too. It’s not just for women, but that’s the problem. You guys aren’t watching it. You know who’s watching it? Other women. We’re just getting ideas. I know prison sentences. I know which states have the death penalty. You don’t even know how much shit I know from that show. And what’s really alarming is my mom loves it, too. I would say we’ve probably both been watching it for seven years and I’ve never seen a repeat. Oh, yeah [INDISTINCT] I like that. And I still watch Tiny House Hunters. Yeah, the other ones I got bored with. But Tiny, I like it because I feel like if you have never seen it, it’s usually a couple. And I feel like they’re suffering some sort of clinical nervous breakdown, but nobody in their family or friends wanna deal with that shit, so everyone just encourages them. “Yeah, you should live in a tiny house. You should leave right now. I don’t even know why you’re still here. Like, get going.” [CROWD LAUGHS] The whole concept is that the tiny house is 500 square feet or less and they’ll all want it to be mobile, okay? Because they’re gonna tow this shit show all across North America and bother every single person they’ve ever met on Facebook. “Hi, do you care if we live in a yard for like a year? We’ll be so quiet.” But with this show, what’s alarming is every time they pull up the couple to get their tiny house, they’re like in a 2015 Honda Civic. Well, come on, guys. You can’t pull that with that. You can’t even pull another Honda with that Honda. The tiny house you want is $47,000. The truck you need to pull that tiny house is $62,000. So, why don’t we take your dumbasses truck shopping? And that’s why I will never be the host of Tiny House Hunters because it would turn into truck shopping, a show which I would have no interest in at all anyway, because as an adult, I don’t think there’s anything worse for me. Maybe aside from doing taxes is having to buy a car so much and I don’t care what I drive. Up until last November, my car was a 2007 Mercury Mariner. Hold your applause. [CROWD LAUGHS] There’s more than just me. I see them out there. I loved it. But then it started acting weird. I’m like, “Shit, I’m gonna go have to buy a car.” And my sister, who’s my height, important to this story, she drives a GMC Acadia. I’ve driven that. I’m like, “That’ll do. I’ll just go get one of those.” So I called the GMC people. I go, “I’m coming down there and I’m gonna pay cash and I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna spend any more than an hour. I don’t wanna talk about math or math or math. I don’t wanna be in your play where you go talk to some secret person. I don’t… I don’t… I don’t… I’m just gonna pay what you tell me it cost and then I’m going to leave it. This’ll probably be the last car I’ll ever buy for all I know.” “Okay, sure. Come on down.” So I go down and Dave is my guy. I said, “Dave, I truly don’t give a shit. I don’t even care what color it is. All I care about, Dave, one thing, my deal breaker, that seat has to go up electronically because it may not look like it, Dave, but I am actively shrinking in real time, like, it’s a thing, Dave, like in five years, I’m gonna be in a car seat because for four-ten or under is the law.” [CROWD LAUGHS] I said, “Other than that, I don’t care.” And he goes, “Well, you know, you did say on the phone that you travel a lot. So I worked up some numbers about leasing.” No, don’t do this, Dave. And he did it. He just started talking about math [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] …la la la. And at some point, he noticed I had drifted out. [LAUGHS] And he goes, “Kathleen, are you still with me?” “No, Dave. I quit listening like eight minutes ago.” He goes, “Well, what are you thinking about? Maybe I can help you.” I go, “Do you really wanna know what I was thinking about, Dave? Honest to God, I’ll tell you what I was thinking about, because maybe you can help me because, um, I haven’t figured it all out yet. Um, I just found out that in, like, the next, um, few months, I’m gonna have… I’m gonna go to do shows in Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, and Medford, Oregon. And at night, me and the other comedian will drive, uh, to get to the other city and I was thinking about what I would do if we hit a Bigfoot. [CROWD LAUGHS] Yeah. [SIGHS] Because think about it, Dave. You know, with COVID, the animals are coming into town more and they’re more comfortable and it’s worth millions and millions of dollars, Dave, that’s why you have to have a plan. Like, you can’t just react emotionally in the moment or you’re gonna lose all your money. So while you were talking, I figured there’s two scenarios, Dave. Scenario A is I’ve hit it and it’s injured. Oh, not good, right? It’s stuck under the wheel well like [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] then how do I explain that, Dave? And so, I mean, I’m a wizard, but I only have so many powers. I can’t be in charge of that. Scenario B, Dave, is I’ve hit it and it’s dead. That’s a lot more of a tame scenario. So, that’s the one I would hope for. But then you have to think, Dave, what are you gonna do? Like, are you gonna call the police?” “I’m not because I don’t trust the po-po. They’ll steal my Bigfoot. I know they will. It’s worth millions and millions of dollars. Am I gonna post a picture on Instagram? No. Because then the millennials will get motivated and they’ll get up and they’ll come out there and beat me up and steal my Bigfoot because I will have forgotten to turn off my location. Am I gonna post it on TikTok? No, because most of my people are in a hospice and they don’t need to be bothered with my horseshit. So that’s as far as I got, Dave. I don’t know what I will do yet, but I know a lot of stuff I won’t do and that’s how you start a good plan for you.” He just looked at me with his eyes, they’re weird and where he goes, “So the only thing you care about is if the seat goes up? “Yes, Dave.” [LAUGHTER] All right, you guys. I got to get out of here. Thank you so much, Denver. You’re always the best. Thank you. [SINGER] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ [KATHLEEN] Bye. Bye up there. [SINGER] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ What’s it all about? ♪ ♪ Boxed wine ♪ ♪ And tiny banjos ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪♪

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https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/

John Mulaney: Baby J (2023) | Transcript

https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-baby-j-transcript/

[John Mulaney] The past couple years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself. And I’ve realized that I’ll be fine as long as I get constant attention. [laughter] I do. I love attention. I always wanted attention. [laughter] When I was a little kid, I didn’t get enough attention. I was the third of four kids. I have an older brother and an older sister. When I was three years old, they pulled me aside and they told me that I was adopted. [laughter] And that my real mother had been murdered… [laughter] …by Miss America. They said, “If you ask our mom about it, she’ll get really upset. So don’t ask her if it’s true unless you want to upset her.” And they said, “If you ask our dad about it, he’ll say that we’re lying.” “But he’s lying.” [laughter] They thought of every angle. [laughter] And to compound the stress that I was under, when I was three years old, I thought that Miss America was the Statue of Liberty. [laughter] And that summer was 1986. In ’86 that summer on the Fourth of July, Reagan was president then, and he gave a speech in front of the Statue of Liberty. He was wearing a white shirt, the wind was blowing, and he goes… [as Ronald Regan] “This lady is a great lady.” And I was sitting at home like, “Oh, my God.” “This goes all the way to the top.” [laughter] “I’m never gonna get justice for my mother.” I always wanted attention in school, like to a sick degree. I really… I mean, I don’t know if you guys ever had this feeling, but do you remember when you were in elementary school, grammar school, and a kid in your class would come to school one day and you’d find out their grandparent had died. And they would get, like, so much attention. [laughter] You know, the teacher would be like, “Aaron’s grandpa passed away,” and he’d be like… [as a child] “That’s right.” [laughter] And we’d be like, “Aw, Aaron.” And he’d be, like, VIP for the day. [laughter] He’d be like, “Can I sit in the beanbag chair during reading time?” We’re like, “Of course, you poor fuck. You sit there.” [laughter] Forget the fact that there’s a laminated construction paper list of whose day it is to sit in the beanbag chair, and we’ve all been patient waiting for our day. And let’s even forget that the beanbag is there to teach us patience. You just jumped the line. [laughter] Did you ever look at how much attention that dead-grandparent kid was getting? And did you ever, like me… [laughter] …hope? [laughter] Or maybe even… [laughter builds] …pray. [laughter and applause] [scattered laughter] “Please kill one of my grandparents so I can get attention too.” I did. I did do that. And some of you did, too. And I know you did because you started laughing from the very beginning of the joke. [laughter] If you did, don’t feel too bad, okay? Yes, it’s a super dark memory. But you were a little kid. Also, you were a little kid, so you probably still had, like, four grandparents. [laughter] This is a lot of grandparents. Is this too many? I’m… I am… I don’t know, I’m asking. Look, God damn it! I’m not saying you pray to kill one of the important ones. [laughter] You don’t want to kill your mom’s mom, too special of a relationship. And you don’t want to kill your dad’s dad because then your dad gets all weird. [laughter] Kids, you think your dad’s weird now? Wait for his dad to die. Then he goes on a whole quest. He’ll wanna take more family pictures, but be angrier during them. [laughter] “Can we get one photo where we all look nice?” We’re like, “I don’t think this motherfucker’s doing that well.” [laughter and applause] [scattered cheering] So you don’t want to kill one of the important ones. [laughter] But you could kill… one of the unimportant ones. [laughter] You know who. [laughter] You… [laughter] You could kill your dad’s mom. [laughter] Who even knew your dad had a mom? [laughter] It doesn’t seem like she did a very good job. [audience laughing hysterically] Ask your mom if she thinks that your dad’s mom did a good job and deserves to live. [laughter and applause] Of course not. She is an unpleasant older lady. She’s never done nothing for no one. But she could now. [laughter] She could die, between September and May. Real talk, Boston. When I was in elementary school, my grandma died over the summer! [laughter] It was useless. You can’t be walking into school on Labor Day, talking about “We lost our Grandma July 17th.” “You should be over it by now. Get out of the beanbag chair!” [laughter] Well, I apologize for beginning the show on such a… dark note. But I didn’t want to start way too upbeat, you know. I’ve had a weird couple years. You’ve had a weird couple years. I didn’t wanna come out all phony, you know. You’re like… [mimics trumpet] “Hey, Boston! It’s time to laugh!” ♪ Raise up your smiles ♪ ♪ Lower those masks ♪ ♪ You know what I mean ♪ ♪ We all quarantined ♪ ♪ We all went to rehab And we all got divorced ♪ ♪ And now our reputation is different ♪ [audience laughing hysterically] [cheering and applauding] ♪ No one knows what to think ♪ ♪ Hey, yeah! ♪ ♪ All the kids like Bo Burnham more ♪ ♪ Because he’s currently Less problematic ♪ ♪ Likability is a jail, ah ♪ So we can’t start that way. [cheering and applauding] All right, thanks. I wrote that song. Before I begin… Uh, young man in the third row up there. Uh, what’s your name? [boy] Henry. Henry? Okay, Henry. How old are we? [Henry] Uh, 11. Eleven. Okay, ha-ha, wonderful. [laughter] You won’t at all… [laughs] be distracting me throughout the entire performance. Henry… Oh, man. Henry, do you… I don’t mean this in a like, “Do you know who I am?” kind of way, but like, do you know, like who I am, or did, like a babysitter cancel, and suddenly you were like, in a van? [laughter] You know who I am? Okay. Have you seen me do stand-up before? Okay. All right. Well, I appreciate you coming. So, um… So… [laughter] …the things that I talk about… [laughter] …tonight, that I did recently… [laughter] …I never say this, Henry. It’s not… I don’t say this explicitly, but don’t. [laughter] All right? [laughing and cheering] Don’t. You’re in the sixth grade? Fifth? [laughs] [laughter] All right. Well, Henry, if you’ve seen me do stand-up before, I have kind of a different vibe now. [laughter] When I was a younger man, I’d come out on stage and be like, “Hey!” [babbling rapidly] And I wonder what caused that. [laughter] Well, those days are over. [laughter] That’s it. That’s over. [cheering and applauding] Okay. [laughter] Here’s what happened. [quirky music playing] [man scatting] December 18th, 2020. Henry, you were about to go on Christmas break… [laughter] …from the third grade. [laughter] [Mulaney chuckles] [man whoops] I, meanwhile, was loose in New York City, not doing well. Feral. That night, December 18th 2020, I was invited over to my friend’s apartment for dinner. Exciting, right? No. [laughter] When I got there, it was a trick. There was no dinner. It was an intervention. For me. [laughter] Interventions for me, are my least favorite kind of intervention. [laughter] When I walked into my intervention, I knew immediately that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have, if when you open a door, and see people gathered, your first and immediate thought is, “It’s probably an intervention about my drug problem”? [laughter] “There’s no other reason people would be behind a door.” [laughter] This was my thought process, walking into my intervention that night. “Going to dinner with a friend from college!” “Going to dinner with a friend from college!” “Going to dinner with a friend from college!” “What’s Seth Meyers doing here?” “Fuck!” [laughter] Also, I was two hours late for my intervention. [laughter] Well, I didn’t know people were waiting on me. I wish I had. I would have been a million hours late. [laughter] I was two hours late, so when I got there, everyone was mad-der at me. [laughter] They were like, “And you’re late.” I was like, “Hey, if you wanted me here on time, you could have texted me, ‘John, we have cocaine.'” [laughter] I would have been a half hour early to help set up chairs. I was two hours late, ’cause I was running two very important errands. First errand, I went to my drug dealer’s apartment. I’m ashamed to tell you all I was there to buy drugs. And I had to pay my dealer in cash, and I had to give him a bunch of cash for some drugs I bought a couple nights before because my Venmo was maxed out. Did you know? Did you know you can do that? You can max your Venmo out, on a weekly basis. By the way, while I have you all here, allow me to say something about Venmo on behalf of the drug addict community. [laughter] Venmo is for drug deals. That’s what it was for. None of us in the drug world have any clue what all of you civilians… [laughter] …are doing on our app… [laughter] …with your public fucking transactions. [laughter and applause] What are you, in ye olde marketplace, 1555? “Hear ye! Hear ye!” “Look at me!” “I trade one fatted goose for ten radishes.” “Keep it to yourself.” The second errand I ran that night is very amusing to me. Dinner was scheduled for 7:00 p.m. So I went to get a haircut… [laughter] …at 7:00 p.m. [laughter] And I truly believed I could make both work. [laughter] I went to get this nighttime haircut at Saturday Night Live, which is a TV show, not an all-night pop-in barbershop. But they have a hair department there, right? And I still had my badge from when I worked there. So, at 7:00 p.m., coked out of my mind, I went up to the eighth floor of 30 Rockefeller Center, walked into the Emmy-Award-winning hair department, and I said, Hey, can I have a haircut? [laughter] And they said, “Oh, John, you’re not hosting this week.” And I said, “Ah, hey, can I have a haircut?” [laughter] You know that thing of when a junkie walks into your office and asks for a haircut and you’re like, “Hurr, it’d be faster to cut the hair”? That’s what happened. I walk into my intervention two hours late. According to my friends, this is what I said. [in annoyed tone] “Okay!” [laughter] I’d just been to my drug dealer’s apartment, so I immediately yelled out, “Before we start, can I go to the bathroom?” [laughter] And they said no. And I said… [screams] Then this intervention lady that they’d hired runs up to me, and she goes, “Hi.” And I said, “Wrong energy!” [laughter] I walk into this intervention. Now, listen, everyone there at the intervention is really worried about me. They’re all concerned about my physical well-being. But I stroll in there, I am cocaine-skinny, with a new haircut. [laughter] They’ve all been in heavy quarantine for nine months. They looked like shit. [laughter] I was the best looking person at my intervention, by a mile. [laughing and cheering] Everyone there looked like Jerry Garcia. I walk in the room, there’s six of my friends sitting there in-person in New York. And six of my friends over Zoom, from LA. You may be thinking, “Hey, if that was me, I would have been like, ‘If you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in?'” Don’t worry. I said that several times. [laughter] I said that multiple times throughout the night. The intervention lady goes, “Here, let me show you your chair.” I had a special chair. ‘Cause I was belle of the ball. And I’m about to sit down in my chair, when a friend of mine in the corner goes, “I thought they were gonna tackle him.” [laughter] “You thought they were gonna what?” “You know, like on Intervention.” “I thought they were gonna tackle you.” “That’s To Catch a Predator.” [laughter] “Are you disappointed now that they’re not gonna tackle me?” He went, “Yeah, I’m a little disappointed.” I sit down in my chair, I face all these rats. [laughter] Look. Let me just call this out now, I don’t mean to be weird. It was a star-studded intervention. [laughs] It was like a good group. It was a good group. As mad as I was when I walked in there, I was like, “This is a good lineup. This is very…” “This is really flattering in its own way.” It was like a “We Are the World” of alternative comedians over the age of 40. All comedians. Yet no one said a funny thing the entire night. Before I got there, they promised each other that they wouldn’t do bits. [laughter] I was going psychotic. I am sitting there in an awful chair, crashing from cocaine. No one will let me go to the bathroom to freshen up. [laughter] And the funniest people in the world are staring at me, refusing to do jokes! It was maddening! Fred Armisen was serious. [laughter] Do you know how off-putting that is? [laughter] He didn’t do a character or a voice. He was just like, [as Fred Armisen] “Hey, John, I’m really worried about everything that you’re going through.” And I was like “Ah! Next! Next!” [laughter] By the way, for most of this intervention, I was determined not to go to rehab. a.k.a., “Lose.” [laughter] My plan was to destabilize the leader lady. [laughter and applause] If I could get the others to question her authority… [hysterical laughter] …I thought the whole thing would fall apart like a house of cards. I was hoping, eventually, they’d be like, “I don’t know, the haircut, the confidence, maybe we should make him the leader and send this lady to rehab.” At one point I was standing at an open window, chain smoking, in December in New York City. You know, the way a sober person would. And I looked at her and I said, “Were you even prepped for me?” [blows air] [laughter] And she said, “Yes.” “But everyone said you were very nice.” [laughter] Don’t believe the persona. At one point, I threw this grenade at the gang. I go, “I’ll go to rehab when all of you stop drinking and smoking weed.” [laughter] A hush fell over the intervention. And then Nick Kroll yelled, “Johnny, that’s not what this is about.” [laughter] It’s frustrating when people intervene on you, but they have problems of their own. It’s like when someone sends you a text but the text comes from their email address. [laughter] And you’re like, “Okay, I understand the message, but you need to get your shit together. This…” “I hate this. Your name at iCloud.” “Why are you texting me? Don’t ever text me this way. It’s foolish.” Now we have two threads going. The original thread with your name saved the way I like it, and this new all lower case abomination. So many letters, it doesn’t even fit in text preview. Then they keep texting you to see if it’s still coming from their email, “Hey, are my texts still coming from my email address?” “Huh. Weird.” “Are my texts still coming from my email?” “Huh. Weird.” They FaceTime you from their email address! [laughter] Are you calling on a child’s iPad? [laughter] I was truly an asshole that night. I recognize that. But listen, I was furious at them. I was so mad that night. They had tricked me. I mean, at its core, an intervention is a prank. [laughter] They had pranked me, they were trying to tell me what to do with my life, they were trying to control me, they were sending me away to rehab for months. I felt powerless. I felt very angry. Now, standing here tonight, February 26th, 2023. One of the worst times of the year. [laughter] Here with all you wonderful people, and one of our top fifth graders. [laughter] Getting to do this show and standing here… Listen, I am grateful to everyone at my intervention. They intervened, they confronted me, and they totally saved my life. [all cheering] Okay. That’s enough. That’s enough. Don’t… Don’t stand for them. Listen… [laughter] They’ve been thanked. [laughter] And like, they’re well aware they did a good thing. [laughter] They bring it up a lot. [laughter] Also, like, I’m still pissed off at them. I’m grateful. I’m truly grateful. And I wish I just felt that one emotion, but I don’t. [laughter] I feel two emotions. [laughter] I’m still kind of mad. ‘Cause… Okay. Do you know what it’s like for 12 people to save your life? It’s too many people. [laughter] They could have done it with four people. And I know the eight they could have cut. [audience laughing hysterically] Instead, for the rest of my life, there are 12 separate people out there who if I’m at dinner with them, I have to be like, “No, I got that. Come on.” “Hey, come on. For real.” “You saved my life.” [laughter] “Over Zoom.” [laughter and applause] [all cheering] If anyone here has ever been to rehab, you probably know this, but you are not allowed to bring drugs in with you. [laughter] I don’t know if you all recall my first errand of the evening before my intervention, but I leave that intervention for rehab, I have a lot of narcotics on me. So, back then I was addicted to cocaine, Adderall, Xanax, Klonopin, and Percocet. Called a Providence special. [laughter and applause] Providence, Rhode Island. For those of you around the world, there’s a city near here, and it’s a big joke to all of us. [laughter and applause] Um… Very silly place. I leave for rehab. I have on my person a full baggie of 30 mg Adderall, a full baggie of Xanax, 3 g of cocaine, and $2,000 in cash. I had other plans that weekend. [laughter] So I get to rehab at four o’clock in the morning and I walk up to the intake desk. And at the intake desk, the woman says, “Do you have any drugs on you?” And I said, “No, I do not.” “May I please go to the bathroom?” Two guys grab me. They take my winter coat off me, they start going through the pockets. They go through the inside zipper pocket of my winter coat. I was like, “How did they find out about the inside zipper pocket?” [laughter] “That pocket has eluded everyone in my life.” They reach in there. They pull out all these pills and all this cash and 2 g of coke. Remember I said I had 3 g? Well, I did a bunch in the car. And I did a bunch at a gas station in the bathroom off of one of those Koala baby changing stations. [audience groans] What? That’s what those are for. [laughter] You think you’re supposed to put a human baby on that mouse trap of a device? [laughter] They have gang signs carved into them. [audience groans] Those are for snorting coke off of. When you’re a cokehead, you see the world in terms of surfaces. [laughter] So they reach in. They pull out all these pills and all this cocaine and all this cash, and they stare at me. And I said, “Oh, those old winter coats.” [laughter and applause] You know that phenomenon. When you’re going through your goose down jackets and you’re like, “Five grand and an eight ball?” [laughter] “From the night we went caroling.” [laughter] “Those old winter coats.” Then they took my prescription drugs from me. My prescriptions. Not the illegal pills I bought on the street. The official prescriptions, with my name on them. And they took them from me simply because I had no business being prescribed them in the first place. [laughter] But, oh, the collection I had. All the effort, all the work that went into it. Do you know how hard it is to get a doctor to write you a prescription for a pill you don’t need? [soft laughter] It’s not hard. [laughing] It’s… [laughter and applause] It’s so easy. It’s so easy. Here’s what you do, or here’s what I did, but don’t do it. But if you did do it, it would totally work. Okay. [laughter] Um… Go on… Go on, like, WebMD. Search doctors in your zip code. Okay? And then sort the results. Lowest rating to highest. [laughter] You will not need to scroll far. [laughter] Find the doctor in your area with the lowest number of stars. This person needs your business. [laughter] Is this a bad doctor? Nay, nay. [laughter] This is the best doctor. [laughter] Dude… [laughter] You can walk in there and it’s like Captain Phillips. You can be like, “Look at me, I am the doctor now.” [laughter] You can use their computer. [laughter] Check Yahoo! News or something. I had a doctor in New York City that just wrote me prescriptions. Dr. Michael. No last name. Oh, I don’t mean I’m protecting his identity. He never told me his last name. [laughter] Even before the pandemic, Dr. Michael worked out of his apartment on Second Avenue. That’s odd. [laughter] I’d go to see Dr. Michael, and I’d knock on his door, and he’d always answer the door like this. He’d go, “My wife, Minerva, is sleeping.” Like, really paranoid. But he wasn’t saying, “So keep your voice down.” It was as if he was saying, “I didn’t just kill my wife Minerva.” [laughter] So then we’d go into his kitchenette. To call it a kitchen would be a great exaggeration. And we’d have our appointment. I’d go, “I want Klonopin.” And he’d go, “Okay.” [laughter] And as he was writing it out on the pad and tearing it off, he’d go, “Oh, what’s it for?” And I’d go, “I have anxiety.” And he’d go, “Oh, then you need it.” [laughter] And then Dr. Michael, he’d always go, “Hey, you want a flu shot?” [chuckling] Aw… He wanted to be like a real doctor. [laughter] I go, “No, Michael, you already gave me two flu shots this month, man.” “I feel crazy.” [laughter] “I feel super sick.” Then he’d go, “Do you want a B12 Shot?” “You want a vitamin shot?” So he always wanted to give me a shot of some kind, because he had, like, a thing. I mean, look, a guy named Dr. Michael that works out of his apartment is gonna have a thing. Michael’s thing was, he wanted guys to take their shirts off in his apartment. [audience exclaims] You’re all uncomfortable now, but I’m way over it. And also, if you think this story ends with me being like, “And I said, ‘Absolutely not, ‘” you’re about to be so disappointed. [laughter] So we had this little, like, charade. I’d roll up my T-shirt sleeve and Michael would come in with the syringe, and he’d go, “Um, I’m gonna need the whole shirt off.” [laughter] I’d be like, “Thirty Klonopin, two refills…” Wapow! [laughter] And then the sexual harassment would stop, to be fair. So maybe that was his whole thing. It was just getting guys to take their shirts off. Or maybe there was something about me with my shirt off that stops sexual harassment. [laughter] You know, that story has two morals. One, now you know that. [laughter] You didn’t used to. The other moral is this. You should get vaccinated and get a booster and all of that. But… these days, when you hear people be like, “Just trust doctors…” [laughs dryly] Anytime you hear someone say, “Trust doctors,” just remember, somewhere, in a kitchenette… [laughter] …sits Dr. Michael. [laughter] And if he’s so trustworthy, why is Minerva always sleeping? [laughter] [cheering and applauding] So they took my prescriptions. They take my prescriptions. Now this was all at four o’clock in the morning when I first checked into rehab. Let’s flash forward 12 hours now to 4:00 p.m. that same day. I’m in my hospital room, in the detox hospital at this rehab. I had to go to detox for like four or five days when I first got there ’cause of everything in my system. I’m in my hospital room. I’ve been in rehab at this point for 12 hours. I have not gone to sleep during that time. And my total time awake to this point – is 50 hours. [audience exclaims] Now, the doctors are trying to give me a bunch of medication to calm me down. But by this point in my life, my tolerance for sedatives was superhuman. No matter what they give me, they cannot subdue me. I’m like the great Rasputin, they cannot bring me to my knees. [laughter] Just then, a legitimately good doctor walks into my hospital room. If you have only been seeing Dr. Michael for the past few years, a good, legitimate doctor is terrifying. It’s like an exorcist. This guy walked in like, “Hi, I’m Dr. Henry Ford Askew.” I was like, “No. Two names.” [groaning] “No.” Oh! Hey. [intoxicatedly] “You want my shirt off, huh?” “You like this?” “You like stuff?” “What kind of a doctor are you, huh?” “Is your wife dead?” [shushing loudly] I scream at this doctor. I go, “Where’s my Klonopin?” “We cannot give you your Klonopin.” “Why not?” “We are a rehab.” [laughter] “I cannot give you a Schedule II narcotic under Pennsylvania state law.” And I said, “Pennsylvania state law?” “Well, what if we go to a pharmacy in New Jersey?” [laughter] You see, I thought he was telling me about a predicament that we were both caught up in. [laughter and applause] Like, he was like, “Look, I would love to give you these pills.” “You are clearly a super-chill young man, bobbing and weaving in a hospital gown and a pair of New Balance sneakers for the past 12 hours.” “But this pesky state of Pennsylvania.” “Oh-ho-ho, doctor, what if we go to a pharmacy in New Jersey?” “Oh, my God, no one has ever thought of that.” “You’re the first drug addict here to have a scheme.” [laughter] “Let’s go in my car.” “You’re clearly ready to leave the grounds.” That was at 4:00 p.m. Three hours later, 7:00 p.m., I finally go to sleep. They give me enough of this drug called Librium, and I drop. They put a nurse in my hospital room to make sure I stay asleep ’cause I had been trouble. I’m not sure what it was exactly that got them so worried. But it might have been when I said, “I’m gonna pretend to go to sleep.” “And then when you’re all like, ‘He’s asleep, ‘ and you leave my room, I’m gonna run the fuck out of this rehab.” Something about saying that out loud, twice, to two different staff members had raised a few eyebrows. So now I’m asleep, though. I’m legitimately out cold. They have a nurse in my room to make sure I stay asleep. She’s sitting in a chair next to a bedside table. I’m asleep in the bed. My phone is face up on the bedside table next to her. Now, at this exact same time, about 7:00 p.m., my good friend Pete Davidson starts calling me. Pete… Yes, that one. Pete… [laughter] …was not at my intervention ’cause he was traveling that night, but now he’s landed, he’s found out I’m in rehab, and he’s concerned. So he starts calling. Fun fact about Pete. He changes his cellphone number constantly. I don’t know why. That’s his journey. [laughter] Every month and a half I get a text from Pete, saying, “Yo, it’s Pete. New number.” And I go, “Send a pic to prove it.” And he sends a photo like this. Then I save him in my phone. For a long time I just kept saving him again and again as Pete Davidson. At one point, I had nine Pete Davidsons saved in my phone. [in Italian accent] And that’s too many Pete Davidsons. [in normal voice] So… I started to save him under fake famous people’s names just to mix it up. Like, for a while he was saved in my phone as Rodney Dangerfield. The week I went to rehab, he was saved in my phone as Al Pacino. [laughter] So, I’m asleep in bed. A nurse is watching over me. My phone is next to the nurse. And Pete Davidson starts calling again and again and again. But what the nurse sees on the phone… [laughter] …is that this unconscious patient is getting, not one, not two, but five missed calls from Oscar winner… [laughter] …Al Pacino. [laughter] So… she fuckin’ wakes me up. [audience laughing hysterically] [applauding] I don’t blame her. I would’ve been so curious. She wakes… I wake up and she’s shaking me going, “You’re getting a phone call.” [laughter] I was so groggy, I was like… [grumbling] I roll over. I’m so exhausted. I look at the phone. I see that it says, “Call from Al Pacino.” I know that that means call from Pete Davidson. But I don’t explain this complex code to the nurse. I just take the call in front of her. I go, “Hello?” “Oh, dog.” [laughter] “I’m not doing that well.” “Oh, yeah, no one’s going to blame you.” Now… [audience continues laughing] I said that last part because some people suggested that he and I did drugs together because he has tattoos… [laughter] …and I am plain. [laughter] We must be up to witchcraft. I’ve never done drugs with Pete. He’s always been very supportive of my sobriety. So that’s the conversation I’m having with Pete. But the conversation that the nurse thinks is happening… [laughter] It delights me to this day. [laughter] “Hello…” [mimics Al Pacino] “Johnny!” [laughter] “It’s Al.” [laughter] “My little boy blue.” [laughter] “I heard your ass is in rehab.” “How you doing, dog?” [in normal voice] “Oh, dog.” [laughter] “I’m not doing that well.” [mimics Al Pacino] “Oh!” “My little freckle juice.” [laughter] “Reason I’m calling you five times… I think I’m going to get blamed for this.” “Yeah, I’m getting suspicious that when the American public hears about the drug relapse of John Mulaney, they will logically…” [audience continues laughing] “…and immediately name… only one culprit.” [laughter] “And that is myself!” “Seventy-nine year old…” [laughter and applause] “…Oscar winner, Al Pacino!” “Pacino from the Italian.” “‘Pa’ meaning Daddy, and ‘Chino, ‘ meaning khaki pants.” [laughter] “They’re going to blame Daddy khaki pants.” [laughter] [scattered laughter] “This line has been compromised.” [laughter] I was in rehab for two months from December 18th to February 20th. I was there January 6th during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. [laughter] ‘Cause I would have made sure. I would have made sure it didn’t. [cheering] Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know Baby J is back on the streets. [cheering and applauding] The whole time I was in rehab, it was very locked down for COVID. So we never got to leave the building. But I’ve heard at some rehabs, they take you on field trips. Like the one I was at, I guess in better times, you got to go to a farm and meet a horse. They do it a lot. It’s called equine therapy. That sounds really nice, but how bad do you feel for that horse? It’s born being like, “One day I’m going to win the Kentucky Derby.” [chuckles] And its whole life it’s just junkies being like, [mimics junkies] “Okay.” [laughter] “All right.” “Petting your strong leg gives me confidence.” [laughter] “If I can lift your hoof, it means I’m ready to have my own apartment.” [laughter] When I first got to rehab, one of my biggest fears, was that everyone was going to recognize me. Gradually… [faint laughter] …a new fear took over. [audience laughing hysterically] I’m not… I’m not, like exaggerating to be funny. Fucking no one… [laughs] [laughter and applause] No one knew who I was. [audience whistling] And it was driving me bananas. [laughter] Please don’t repeat this. It was in the newspaper that I was in rehab and I left it out. [chuckles] [laughter] I was like, [high-pitched] “Oh, my God, the paper’s here.” “Get in here, you addicts. Oh, my God!” “Let’s… Oh, I wonder what’s inside.” [laughter] Before I realized that no one knew who I was, I went to this Welcome Group. So, like, I went from the detox ward to the men’s ward where I was gonna live for a few months. When I got there, they had a Welcome Group. And before I walked into the group, I said to myself, I was like, “Be modest.” [laughs] [laughter] So, I go in and I sit down and I go, “Hi, I’m John M.” [laughter] And they’re all staring at me like, why are you holding for applause? [laughter] And this one guy, Lenny, who I later became really good friends with. He goes, “What do you do for a living?” The other guys go, “What do you do for a living?” And I was like, ah. And I go, “I’m a stand-up comedian.” And Lenny goes, “You make a living that way?” [laughter] Like, “Yeah, ask your daughter.” [laughter and applause] “Or your son if he’s not an athlete.” [laughter and applause] Ask only certain sons. [laughter] I got in trouble my second week in rehab. ‘Cause I ordered Outback steakhouse using Postmates. [laughter] There were two things in this Pennsylvania town where I went to rehab. There was an Outback and there was a rehab. But when I ordered the Outback, I somehow thought the delivery guy wouldn’t know what the rehab was. So I gave him the street address of the rehab as if it was my home. [chuckles] And then in the special instructions I wrote, “Don’t stop at the big building.” [laughter] “Drive up the hill to the brick dorm and you’ll see a 38-year-old man outside in a robe who’s so excited.” [laughter] So the food arrives, but it gets confiscated by the RS on duty. He calls me into his office and he goes, [angrily] “This is fucked up. This is serious.” I go, “It’s just Outback.” He goes, “What if it’s an Outback dry run?” I go, “What’s an Outback dry run?” He goes, “Well this time you order Outback and it’s just food, and we laugh it off and we let it through.” “But what if you left a really big tip, so that next time you order, you go, ‘Hey, remember me?'” “‘I left you a really big tip. ‘I’ll give you an even bigger tip if you get me some drugs.'” I said, “Oh, my God, that is a fantastic idea.” [laughter] [man whistling] I worked hard in rehab. I did what my counselors told me. When I first got there, my counselor asked me to write an autobiography of my substance use and abuse. I said, “What do you mean?” He goes, “Write all the big life points where you use drugs and alcohol.” I said, “You mean recently or starting at age six?” He said, “You started drinking then?” I said, “Yes.” And then he gave me more paper. [laughter] I tried alcohol when I was six. I don’t mean I was at a bar, having a Manhattan or something. We were allowed to try beer and wine. My dad told us when we were kids, “We have a European approach towards alcohol in this house.” That was the only thing we had a European approach towards. Everything else we had a very Midwestern approach. Including Europe. We’re like, “We’re not going there.” [laughter] By the time I was 13, I got drunk every weekend. My friends and I would go out on the streets of Chicago, on Lincoln Avenue, and we’d stand in front of liquor stores and try to get adults to go in and buy liquor for us. This was always a very dramatic process – ’cause we were thirteen, we looked nine. [faint laughter] We’d be sitting out there like little Charles Dickens’ urchins. Just like, “Sir, please. Sir, Sir, please.” They’d sometimes try to give me money, I’d go, “No, I give you money.” “And you buy me beer in this store, the one where the cashier is watching – this entire exchange through the window.” [laughter] In 8th grade once I said to my friends, I go, “We should only ask couples on dates ’cause the guy will want to buy beer for us to look cool in front of the girl.” [scattered laughter and clapping] I did not understand adult first date dynamics. [chuckles] As if when he’s dropping her off, she’d be like, [mimics woman] “You know…” [laughter] “…I wasn’t sure about you in the beginning of the night, but… when I saw you buy those two 24 packs of Natty Light, using quarters and dimes…” [laughter] “…and that one bottle of Boone’s Farm for that really specific child…” [scattered applause] “…I was like, this guy might be a keeper.” [laughter] I started doing drugs when I was 14 with my two best friends, John and John. They’re not me. They’re other people. [laughter] They were both named John. There was John O’Brien, John McNulty, and then me. My name is John Mulaney. And if you didn’t know that, you were probably in rehab with me. [laughter] One time… [chuckles] One time when we were 16, me, John and John, we were in a parking lot at night and we were smoking a joint. We’re getting high. And a police car pulled in out of nowhere like… We went, “Shit.” And we threw the joint we had down a sewer and we got rid of all of our weed. But they still called us over and made us put our hands on the patrol car. “Line up and put your hands on the hood.” So the three of us line up and we put our hands on the patrol car. The police officer walks up to John O’Brien first and he starts to give him a pat down. He goes, “What’s your name?” He goes, “John.” [laughter] Then he goes to John McNulty. [chuckles] Starts to give him a pat down. He goes, “What’s your name?” He goes, “John.” [laughter] Then he got to me. Before he gave me a pat down, he leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Your name better fucking not be John.” [laughter and applause] “They call me Baby J out on these streets.” [cheering and applauding] One thing you do in rehab, you sit down with your counselor and you go through your phone. And a lot of times they’ll have you delete and block any drug dealers or any bad influences numbers that you have. In some cases, you reach out to the people first and you tell them, “Hey, I’m going to delete and block you.” So that they don’t try to track you down later. It’s called breaking up with your dealer. So I did this one day. I sat with my counselor, I go through my phone. I went to my main dealer Arvin, first. And I texted him and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you.” “I’m never going to buy drugs from you again.” “I’m sober now.” Then I didn’t know how to end the text. So I go, “But thank you for… [laughs] your many years of inspired professionalism, and the many nights that became days.” I send the text. Before I can delete and block him, Arvin texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you for getting sober.” Then he writes, “You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you ’cause I was worried about you and I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” [laughter] I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? [laughter] So I… I can’t delete him now. I text him back. I go, “You sweet man.” [laughter] I said… I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says, “Yeah.” I say, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He says, “No.” [soft laughter] Then I say, “Hey, this is a weird time to ask, but are you a drug dealer?” [laughter] He goes, “No, I’m a painter, we talked about this.” [laughter] [scattered applause] Boston, to this day, I have no idea how I know this person. [laughter] So I text him back. And I say, “How did it come to be…” [laughter] “…that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know.” “You just kept asking.” [audience laughing hysterically] I like that story ’cause there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. [laughter] I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer. [all applauding] And that is the promise of J. [cheering and whistling] In rehab, we would sit around in group a lot. And we would sit around and share stories of the most desperate things we did to get drugs. And I would like to share one of those with you now. So a little context for this story. Uh, in January of 2020, I’m very addicted to cocaine. I want to stop. Uh, so rather than talk to a drug counselor, or any type of counselor or a therapist or a doctor or literally anyone in my life, I call my accountant. And I go, “Hey, I’m addicted to coke.” “You need to stop giving me money.” “Don’t give me any cash.” He goes, “God, this is not what I signed up for.” [laughter] I go, “The only way you can give me cash is if I email you and CC my doctor.” “That’s the new rule.” I hang up the phone. I’m immediately mad about the rule. [laughter] I’m like, “It’s my money.” “Son of a bitch wants me to email him with my doctor?” So rather than pick up the phone and call him back and say, “Hey, that’s not a rule anymore.” Which I could totally do because I’m a grown man and he works for me. Instead, I spend the next six months finding elaborate ways to steal my own money from myself. [laughter] In August of 2020, I was very strung out. I desperately wanted cocaine. And I realized I still had a credit card that worked. And I decided I was going to buy a Rolex watch with my credit card and pawn it for cash five minutes later. I’m pretty good at reading a room. You’re all very impressed by this plan. [laughter] So, one day in August of 2020, when it is 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside, I walk in to the Rolex store on Madison Avenue in Manhattan. I walk in. All the guys in there are in suits. And they’re going like, “Hmm, watches… Switzerland…” They move like animatronics. I walk in there. I’m wearing very light jeans, cuffed twice at the ankle, white Reebok sneakers, white socks, a very long white T-shirt, a white baseball cap. I am chewing Nicorette gum. I have a JanSport backpack hiked up as high as it can possibly go. I am 38 years old. [audience laughing hysterically] I walk into the store and I walked up to the first display case I saw, and I went, “That one. Hi!” “That one. I loved that watch.” “I want that watch, please.” The salesmen turns around. He has a handkerchief already like he’s a magician. He goes, “Ah!” “I see you’re looking at the rose gold watch.” “Would you like to see any other time pieces?” I go, “No, no, I’m not interested in timepieces.” “Just watches. That’s the one I want.” “I researched it.” “I know everything about it. Give me the watch, please.” He opens the display case, he takes the watch out. It’s on its own little, like, suede bed, you know. He goes, “Shall we try it on your wrist?” I go, “No time. No need.” “It’s not for me.” “It’s a gift for my brother, and I know his wrist so well.” “When you’re brothers, you look over.” “We shared a room, I’d see his wrists, so I know it’s going to be perfect.” He goes, “Ah! A gift for your brother.” “And tell me, what rings does your brother wear?” I go… “What?” [laughter] “Is this some kind of a riddle?” [laughter] “Is this the initiation to some Yale White People Society?” [laughter] “What do you mean, what kind of rings does my brother wear?” He goes, “Well… uh, if your brother wears rings of yellow or white gold, you may not want a rose gold watch.” “As you may know, you should never mix metals.” I go, “First off, I’m insulted you only think I might know that.” [laughter] “I definitely know that as well as all other facts.” [laughter] “I never mix…” “I wouldn’t put, uh, an aluminum can next to a teakettle.” [laughter] “I wouldn’t put a trumpet on a radiator.” “I… Call me old fashioned but I believe in this strict segregation.” “You heard me. Segregation of metals within the home.” “Secondly, my brother has no rings and he never will.” “He never will. My brother, oh, he has no fingers.” “He has a stump.” [laughter] “That… He has a stump of a hand.” “That’s what the watch is for. Don’t you see?” “The watch will adorn the stump, so that when he looks down at this foul thing, he will see the beautiful watch.” “And he will think only of the generosity of his little brother and not the horrible Vitamix accident that claimed his digits.” “Sell me the watch, please.” [laughter and applause] The guy takes out a green Rolex box and he opens it, puts the watch in. There’s a little cardboard card in the box. He takes out a fountain pen and he’s writing on the card… for what I thought was too long. I was like, “Jesus Christ, is he writing a letter to the watch?” “He knows I’m going to pawn it, wants it to have a letter to know where it came from.” “Everyone in this store knows I’m about to pawn this watch.” “They think I’m dirt, but I’m not. I’m God.” That’s what’s going through my head. The guy takes out a ribbon and I go, [aggressively] “No. No gift wrap.” He goes, [calmly] “I thought you said this was a gift.” I go, “No. But my brother and I, we’re not like that.” “We’re not fancy. I’m going to run past his house.” “I’m going to throw the watch in the air.” “He’s going to catch it on his stump.” “I can’t show up with some big elaborate ribbon.” “And how would my brother even untie that? I confided in you.” “I confided in you about his condition and now you’re giving me all this.” “What do you expect him to do? Pull it apart with his teeth?” “Sell me the watch for cocaine.” [audience laughing hysterically] [applause, whistling] He takes my credit card. He runs it. He gives me my card back. He takes out a Rolex shopping bag. I immediately spin my JanSport backpack around, opened and unzipped. And I go, “No need.” [laughter] He puts the watch box in my backpack. I zip it up. Before I’m even out the door of the store, I take out my phone and I google, ‘Where sell watch right now in New York City.’ A place called ‘Sell your watch right now NYC’ comes up. I was like, “Finally, someone in this town gets me.” [laughter] I call the place and I go, “Hello. Um, yes, I have a Rolex watch to sell.” “May I come in today?” The guy goes, “Yes, yes. What time do you want to come in?” I go, “I am two minutes away and I am sprinting towards your store.” “I will be there in one minute.” And he goes, “Okay, I’m across the street at lunch.” “I’ll start running too.” [chuckling] So now he and I are both running down 47th Street. My backpack is flying back and forth to either side like an old lady’s big bosoms when she jumps up and down on the showcase showdown. [laughter] We get to his business. It’s above one of those big Diamond Martz, but his office is upstairs. so we go upstairs. He buzzes me in through two bulletproof glass doors. You’ve seen Uncut Gems. We go into his office and we sit down, and now I have to change gears. Because, yes, I’ve been frenzied all morning, but I’m now selling the watch. I can’t act desperate to sell it. I need to get the right price. So I have to play it very cool. So I slowly removed my backpack, revealing a perfect outline of sweat on the straps and back. He offers me water, which I immediately refuse. Despite the fact that my lips are sticking to my teeth. [laughter] I say, “Hello. I have a beautiful watch to sell.” “I’m in no hurry to sell it.” “I’ve had it for many years.” “I’ve never worn it either, so it’s in perfect condition.” He goes, “You’ve had this watch for many years?” I go, “That is correct.” He goes, “Why don’t you wear it then?” I said, “Oh, I would love to wear this watch.” “But you see, I wear rings…” [audience laughing hysterically] “…of yellow gold, and silver gold.” [laughter] “And as we both know…” [laughter] “…you must never mush metals.” [woman in audience] “Mush metals.” The guy opens the Rolex watch box he looks in, he looks at the little card that the guy was writing with a fountain pen on. He looks at the card. He looks at me. He looks at the card. He goes, “You’ve had this watch for many years?” I go, “Uh-huh.” He goes, “This is today’s date.” [laughter] And I said, “That’s right.” [laughter] And I stared at him… with all the charm and charisma left in my drug-addled body, hoping I could somehow bend logic to make both things be true at once. I have had this watch for many years. And that is today’s date. [laughter] At this point, he realizes he has the upper hand in this negotiation. [laughter] I bought the watch for $12,000. Before you all flip out… [laughter] …please remember, watches depreciate… within seconds of leaving the store. I bought the watch for $12,000. He goes, “$5000.” I go. “No.” He goes, “$6000.” I go, “Yes.” [laughter] I feel your judgment. You must think I’m pretty stupid. Well, let me ask you this. Why don’t you name a better way… to make $6000… in five minutes… [laughter] by only spending… [laughter] …$12,000? [laughter and applause] And… as you process and digest how obnoxious, wasteful and unlikable that story is, just remember, that’s one I’m willing to tell you. [laughter] [cheering and applauding] It’s weird to be a recovering drug addict. It was weird to be a drug addict, but at least I was on drugs. [laughter] It’s strange sometimes, you know, like I’m doing great. But when I’m alone, I’m with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I’m like, “This fucking guy again.” “Jesus.” That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes. But it’s also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes, because, like, look, I… I used to care what everyone thought about me… so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don’t anymore. And I don’t because I can honestly say, what is someone going to do to me that’s worse than what I would do to myself. What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I’ll kill him. [laughter] [scattered applause] I almost did. [woman cackling] I was in a museum in Detroit with my son. I was pushing him in a stroller through this big room where they have all these Diego Rivera murals. And I was explaining to my son, Malcolm. He was about nine months at the time. Diego Rivera was brilliant but a communist. [laughter] And Malcolm was just blowing kisses to inanimate objects and crossing his eyes as he shit his diaper. [laughter] And I’d never been out with him and had to change a diaper alone in public before. So I went up to the museum docent, and I said, “Is there anywhere I can change my baby?” And she goes, “Yeah, the men’s room would be fine.” I go, “Okay.” And I push him in the men’s room. And I walk in there and I look on the wall. [laughter] [scattered applause] “Hello, old friend.” [laughing and cheering] My life is in a much, much better place now. But… if I ever feel that I need a reminder… Thank you very much. …of just how bad things used to be. I luckily, have this This is an interview that I gave to GQ magazine, that I have absolutely no memory of giving. [laughter] Have you ever had a conversation on drugs that you don’t remember the next day? Was it a very long interview? [laughter] I gave this interview December 15th, 2020. My intervention was December 18th. [faint laughter] So it’s bad that it was before. I guess what happened was a reporter called me and he said, “Hey, I’d like to interview you.” I was on a lot of cocaine, and I don’t know if you know how cocaine works, but that is great news. [laughter] So I want to share a few highlights from this interview that I have no memory of giving. Beginning with a line in their introduction, which says, “GQ hopped on the phone with the comedian, for a wide ranging conversation.” [laughter] First question. “GQ: What are you up to today?” “Mulaney: I walked past what is supposedly the most haunted building in New York City.” [laughter] “GQ: Oh!” [laughter] “Where is that?” “Mulaney: It’s a vacuum cleaner store, and it’s on 14th between 5th and 6th, and it used to be a boarding house.” “My, oh my, apparently just incredibly haunted, and I’m talking like Poltergeist haunted.” [laughter] “GQ: Okay.” [laughter] “Did you get a chill or a bad vibe?” “Mulaney: It doesn’t give me a bad vibe anymore.” “I think when I first walked past it, I knew what it was.” “So maybe I faked the bad vibes.” What? [laughter] What could he mean? By the way, they have editors. They could have helped me out. [laughter] “I think when I first walked past it, I knew what it was.” “So maybe I faked the bad vibes.” “Although I walked by a house that was haunted in Los Angeles once, I didn’t know it was haunted.” “I was just kind of like, ‘Oh, what’s this house?’ “ “And then slowly, I was like, ‘Nah, I don’t like this house.’ “ ” ‘I’m going to walk away from here with my dog.’ “ “And then I found out it was called the murder house of Los Feliz.” “And then I found out that it had a terrible history.” “Yes, that’s the only time that I’ve really had a creeping sense of ghouls and ghosts out of nowhere, and then have it to be proven totally correct.” [laughter] [cheering and applauding] No. There was not another question asked in the midst of that run, I am still answering the question, “What did you do today?” [laughter] Also, I goddamn love that I used the word “ghouls.” [laughter] When do you get to say that? Next question. “GQ: I want to talk to you about how this year has been for you creatively because around this time last year, you were coming off of the Sack Lunch Bunch, which was arguably one of your biggest creative risks, and it really paid off.” “How has your creative process been impacted by this year?” “Mulaney: [excitedly] If you heard that spoon drop, it’s ’cause I’m eating a bowl of fruit loops.” [audience laughing hysterically] [scattered applause] Phenomenal. Phenomenal answer… to any question in life. Always call out and identify every noise in a room. It doesn’t come off paranoid… at all. Next question. “GQ Magazine: Watching you on late night with Seth Meyers made me wonder, would you ever want your own talk show?” “Mulaney: Okay. So…” [cheerfully] “I had two ideas for a talk show once.” [in normal voice] Let’s pause and appreciate that sentence for a sec. “I had two ideas for a talk show once.” [high-pitched] “And by ideas, I mean, I thought about them in the privacy of my own room.” [laughter] “One idea would be just interviewing people who do anything that interests me.” “And I don’t mean like I’m on the ground and I’m watching them do their job.” “No, it would be like a talk show set.” “And they’d come out there. And there’d be a band and so forth.” [in normal voice] Okay, let’s pause right here. So, just to recap. I had two ideas… for a talk show once. And the first of these is a talk show. [laughter] [excitedly] “The other idea was to have a show and just have on only elderly people.” [laughter] “Which I obviously would not do now due to the risks.” [laughter] [cheering] [whistling] [chuckling] “But I just thought it would be great to talk to old people, especially if they were comfortable talking about being at the end of their lives.” [laughter] Next question. “GQ: Speaking of television, [chuckles] you had that sitcom that didn’t pan out, but that was such a long time ago.” “We’re in an era where networks and all these different streaming services are giving creators seemingly more room to make the shows that they want.” “Given that, would you try it again?” “Mulaney: Are you talking about a multi-cam, live audience sitcom, The way I did it?” “GQ: No.” [laughter] [chuckles] “Not necessarily.” “Mulaney: I would do the exact same show I did before, and the only thing I would change is the audience.” [hysterical laughter] [applauding and cheering] And here’s how it wraps up. “GQ: I think what we’ve established in this conversation is that there are a ton of different ideas rattling around in your head that you should definitely make happen.” “Mulaney: If that’s what people take away from this, I’d be thrilled.” [laughter] “GQ: Okay.” [soft laughter] “I’m going to let you go.” “I don’t want to take too much of your time away from the fruit loops.” [laughter] [high-pitched] “Mulaney: What are you talking about?” [laughter and applause] [laughs boisterously] “They’re long gone.” Good night, Boston. Thank you very, very much. [cheering and applauding] [slow-tempo bass music playing] [cheers and applause continue] [music continues]