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What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King

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An Indian redditor gets an arranged marriage. He turns to his partner and says: "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!

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I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's "The Final Countdown" during the last 30 seconds.

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Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.

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What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex.

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How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!

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Kids are like farts. You don't mind your own, but others peoples are just unbearable

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Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

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I milked the cow "We don't have a cow" the neighbors' cow then "Their cat?" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo "Meow" Ah shoot

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Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

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The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . . All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.

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How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.

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Why is Chapstick so popular? Cause it's the balm baby!

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What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.

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If I was antisocial I wouldn't have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

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What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider

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Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

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I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

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I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.

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My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn't understand the difference between a professional "colorist" and a professional "racist"

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[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

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so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!

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You're so fat and unfunny... that the only punchlines you have are stained on your shirt.

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A kiss will make her day But anal will make her hole weak

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Glue is weird it's all like hey I want to stick these pieces of paper together wait I have an idea hand me that dead horse

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Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence

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Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

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Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold... But that can't be true because he said the Heat is On.

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A duck walks up to a prostitute.... And says, "put it on my bill"

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What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There's 20 of them. (Works better in person)

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My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart.

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What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake? Get off me, homes.

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"You're a unit of power Joe." "I'm a Watt?"

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I once bought an e. e. cummings poem collection.. It was the worst game of Mad Libs ever.

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Why is it that the more numbers someone has in their e-mail address, the less I respect them?

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What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Shut the door im dressing

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My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!

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If you ever need help learning C++, I can give you some pointers. And you can keep me as a reference.

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What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

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A good rule of thumb is to never be in Liam Neeson's movie family.

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If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

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Why was the baby ant so confused? Because all of his uncles were ants!

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Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.

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After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says (-1)/8

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Simba - "welcome to... The bone zone" Nala - "the what?" Simba - "elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard"

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How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress? They have a lot of patients

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I wonder if dog's had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

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Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.

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My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. edit: Going through a potential breakup, so if you see this, this isnt about you, babe. Dont leave me, please.

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Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.

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ME: Haha you can tell them any name and they have to say it BARISTA: I have a latte for "A Person Who Deserves Love"? ME [crying]: Hahaha

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Peter Pan escaped the adult world... ...by becoming an alcoholic. He goes by Peter the Panhandler now.

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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard

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My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night....I could see it in her eyes

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FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached.

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An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar... Who talks more?

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How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.

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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I'll see myself out.

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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

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What do you call a number that won't sit still? A roamin' numeral. :P

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Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica

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I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

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I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.

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My terrible Joke but I never forget it. A dyslexic man walked into a bra....

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What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)

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Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.

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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.

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So a Trabi owner pulls up to a gas station... ...and says to the attendant: "Two windscreen wipers for my Trabi please." The attendant replies: "That sounds like a good deal!"

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How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!

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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

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Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

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What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles

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So a blind man walks into a bar He hurts himself pretty badly.

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If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.

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sometimes i visit websites that have videos of people making love

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Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.

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Every woman I've ever been with only saw me the way they wanted to see me... ...in their rearview mirror.

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How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi

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How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says "I da ho".

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Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.

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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?

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[Google search history] Moles How to kill moles How to make homemade bombs Rescue moles from cave-in Dealing with regret Mole stew

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A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

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-3.14228311e-02]

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.

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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

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[Ouija board] Spirits are you there? U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K *flips board*

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Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem.

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My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.

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Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?

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What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. ( )

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An irishman walks out of a bar...

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Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.

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Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke

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What is a bear's favourite drink ? Koka-Koala !

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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one

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How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

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What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way

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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.

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