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Grammar Nazis see things only two ways The Reich way or the wrong way

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A photon checks into a motel the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room." The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"

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I have a Step-Ladder... I never knew my real ladder tho. :\

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I can always tell by their eyes if someone is a primary school teacher They have small pupils.....

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

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The worst thing about being deaf is... when I masturbate, I can't hear anybody come in my room. *Not even myself.*

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What does an elephant say, looking at a naked man ? You can't breathe from it

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Malaysia has some of the world's best magicians They make entire planes disappear.

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why is the bass player stuck outside? he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

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Once you go black... ...you're a single mother

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I told my wife not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other.

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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything. WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter. ME: I know. *carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

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[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans] Why doesn't he simply mount her with no apparent warning?

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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle? No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

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two lesbians Lesbian 1: "Hey! I finally found your dido!" Lesbian 2: "Great! I knew you had it in you!"

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Man in fatigues w SONY written on his forehead has handcuffed me&my sons to radiator & is forcing us to watch 8th Spider-Man reboot in 3 yrs

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Money doesn't grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

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Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.

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Massive explosion at a French cheese factory, first responders say cause is still unknown. All that was left was de brie.

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What do you call a skeleton who just had anesthesia? A numbskull

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What does a black person get after sex...??? A life sentence.

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If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Genocide

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"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying... But apparently a bad way to tell your kid they're adopted.

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I'm at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe*** * 3 cats ** can opener *** catfood can

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TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's. Apparently they opposed integration.

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Hello. It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you still had all the money you owe me.

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I just realized that my sex life is like my movie habits. I stick it in, lean back, and fall asleep halfway through.

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Mickey Mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!" Doctor: Which knee? Mickey: Disney

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Sometimes I think we're all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

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What is her Majesty the Queen's console of choice? The Royal Wii.

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What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass? Donald Trump's tie.

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God is cruel God said that good lil wayne songs could be found in all corners of the Earth. Then he made the Earth round and laughed.

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What do black people get after death? Nigger Mortis

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Einstein made a theory about space, And it was about time, too!

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What's the difference between an amusement park and a pedophile? A pedophile doesn't have a height limit

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What do you call a Kryptonian who loves popcorn? Kern-el

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My wife was gang raped, impregnated and gave birth to a baby boy named Muhammed. Now they want to kill us for depicting the Prophet Muhammad.

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Perfect pitch is... ...when you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.

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Boy born with no eyelids! The Dr. used the foreskin from the circumcision. Now the boy is cockeyed

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Why did the hen win a Wild West duel between it and a Peacock? Hen shot first.

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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Some obscure number you probably never heard of.

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A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand The monk says, "Make me one with everything."

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What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman? Wait, I can explain everything!

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Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

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SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

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Whenever I confront the messy baker I'm always walking on eggshells.

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What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm? A rooster!

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Why are Jews so good at making action movies? Shlo-mo.

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Broke up with my blind girlfriend She didn't see it coming

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is this already a joke? Why don't pastry chefs buy taylor made cigarettes? Because they profiterole their own

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What did one bunny say to the other bunny? "There's a sale on at the carrot store!"

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The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen

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TIL That I Shouldn't have gone to law school, because everyone in /r/news already has their law degree

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What did the RAM stick say to the politician? I'm PC2!

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what do you call a play about victorian era menstruation? A period piece!

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Calculus should be taught in every high school around the world. It is such an integral field of math.

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