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ysharma

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short_jokes_embeds

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Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

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Is this your 1st video conference call? *Takes HUGE bong rip* *Holding it in* umm no So you're aware we can see you? *Cough* what *cough*

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NASA's Scott Kelly is back on Earth after spending a year in space He found out how many states Trump won and left again

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Thank you, Student Loan, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

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There's 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

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/r/Jokes just surpassed /r/AskReddit in users! I lie...

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Whats worse than eating 10 oysters out of your girlfriends vagina? Realising you only put 9 in

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What's the difference between a Malaysia Airline flight and Internet Explorer? None. Eventually, both of them are gonna crash.

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A man deserves a woman who he enjoys spending time with, who can fulfill his desires, and who can cook. But most importantly, he must make sure that these women never meet.

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*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dejav." "Dejav who?" *knock knock* *edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity

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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

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What did the Marvel character say when he attained full control of his Android's CPU and Kernel? I am Root.

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I am trisexual I'll tri sex with anyone

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Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

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Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"... Me: "...How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

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Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

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DYK Mozart never suffered from stress He always kept his composer.

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Why did the Mexican guy rob a train? He had a loco motive.

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I used to be in a band called 500Mb...... But we had to break up because we couldn't get a gig.

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What's Black & Rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre

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Do you like oranges? Well I am bad at colloquialisms! How you like them oranges?!?!

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What did the dragonball z fan say when he wanted to go to the toilet? I need to goku the toilet

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I once dated a mortician... it didn't work out because I'm not that much of a mourning person. Though she was a real head-turner.

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How to get personal space If there's a lot of people, just yell "Allahu Akbar" for a rapid evacuation.

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Why is it called almond milk? "Nut juice" wasnt very popular.

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When I broke my back the doctor said I had to start sitting down to pee... Because I'm not allowed to lift anything over 25 pounds.

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my son is only in 4th grade but he snap chats at a 7th grade level

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A guy called out over the radio that someone spilled chips at work... Turns out they were Flooritos.

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In which country are they refusing to use wi-fi and bluetooth? In wireland

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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

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The Declaration of Independence was NOT written in Philadelphia. it was written in ink

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I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

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Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

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Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business "Dale's Paint Supplies" but what if it was named "Best Dog Memes"

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I don't hate you, but if you we're drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

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I really don't understand why people think mayweather is so great I'd much rather have June weather

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Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? Poop

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Why did the meatball chef get fired from the middle school cafeteria? They caught him stroganoff.

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Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather...

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If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee's to chest b!tch , knee's to chest!!!

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What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus station? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

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What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know it all!

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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, "Big pee pee!" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

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A duck walks into rehab "What're you here for?" asks the desk lady. "I'm addicted to quack."

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If the opposite of "pro" is "con"... Then what's the opposite of "progress?"

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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"... But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.

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I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week I'm a student loan collector

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What is the most popular social media form at Hogwarts? SnapeChat

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Bartender: "Why the long face ?"

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3.39150615e-02]

knock knock... "knock,knock" "who is there?" "KGB" "KGB who?" (you slap a person across the face)"we ask the questions around here"

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Strap-on backwards spells No-parts.

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The best thing about going on a first date to the petting zoo is that if she doesn't put out there are still plenty of options.

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Two word joke Dwarf shortage

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She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P

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What was Hitler's favorite letter? Not z!

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Did you hear about the gay german? Apparently he Adolf Hitler.

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What's E.T short for? He's got little legs

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Did you know there is a Virus that turns fruits into vegetables? It's called AIDS.

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You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans That's crossing the border!

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Biography of a voyeur He came, he saw, he came

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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone's gotta have multiple.

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In light of MLK day... African american culture has fought so hard not to have to sit at the back of the bus. But they still do anyway.

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What's ISIS's favourite song? Niggas in Paris

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Did you know that in any given group, only 9/10 of people understand basic math? The other 3% doesn't.

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If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, "Unable to follow instructions."

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What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook. Wait

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Did you hear the Joke they don't tell retards... No, Oh my bad.

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Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive

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What do you call a Vietcong that's been hit by napalm? Charlie Brown

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When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now

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How do you know a black guy's been at your computer? It's not there.

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Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures; they only use pubic transportation.

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OC that I came up with whilst daydreaming: Why is there no sofa in the forbidden kingdom? ... because Mao is more of a chair man!

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OMG! It's colder than a pimps heart out here!

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Canada's navy

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Why are most reactionists black? Because stealing is the only thing they can do.

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Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."

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I used to have a friend who practiced acupuncture.

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Why do lesbians like radishes? Because they like to get their daikon.

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The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty.

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What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog

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What do gay men and ambulances have in common Both get loaded from the rear and go woop-woop!

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A flying pig defecated on me today. I shit you not.

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At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.

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My friend gave me a free dvd... but it's only Chinatown.

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A black man and a mexican are in a car. Who is driving? The police officer

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Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

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What do you get if you cross history and a cow? A moo-suem.

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A man only wearing saran wrap pants... Walks into his doctors office. The doctor says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

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What is a gay jew's favourite bank? Goldman Sach's

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After his failed Presidential run, Bernie Sanders decides to write a book and finally endorses Hillary Clinton. The Clinton Foundation bought 10 million copies in advance.

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A joke I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.

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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

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I'm not racist, but... >[deleted]

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What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last hit was the wall.

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All of the other reindeer were secretly watching red-nose-on-regular-nose porn.

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What's the difference between a duck? One of it's legs is both the same.

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'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.

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Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.

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