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You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

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When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."

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You know what the definition of "competitive" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.

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How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.

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What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming

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[car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

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Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now

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Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken

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Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

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I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

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Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.

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Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.

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When my wife takes a nap, it's "desperately needed rest." When I do, it's "lazy chauvinist party-time."

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"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

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TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.

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What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.

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Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

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Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.

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Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.

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This morning I had a swollen testicle. "I'd have simply preferred toast," I told my wife.

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"What's that?" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* "WTH!?!"

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What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

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If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

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My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet

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What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider

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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

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It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

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What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated "Don't worry, I still have my third one."

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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet

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When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.

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There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.

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I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

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Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows

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Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*

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In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."

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It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.

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You could be a "Before" model.

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Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual tonight?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears.

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Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.

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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

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My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...

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My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.

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With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!

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[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word "bae"

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Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine

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What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae

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What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.

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What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.

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I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special

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What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.

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What is your best "Yo mama" joke?

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What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR

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Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!

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I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

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Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

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Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

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*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

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I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

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A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

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Instead of calling them flyover states we should call them comments section.

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A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.

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Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

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Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her

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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......

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Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.

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What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"

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Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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5.80433980e-02]

What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

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Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA

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My house is really small until I can't find my phone.

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Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?

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Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.

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I don't understand women. I also don't understand how a car works but I still drive it.

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage? Tri-weekly Try Weekly and Try Weakly

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How do they calculate global warming? Al-gore-ythms

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What happens when Turkeys get the common cold? They quit smoking.

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The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.

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What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...

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My girlfriend is great in bed... But I don't know how my best friend would know that.

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What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines? Panickin' Skywalker.

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Why did the composer go to the chiropractor? Because he had Bach problems

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[Justice League HQ] SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I'll just fight daytime crimes

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If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?

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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff badum tss

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My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson

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How do you hide an elephant in a fridge? You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.

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Pete and repeat are in a boat Pete and repeat are brothers. Pete falls overboard, who's left?

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What do you call a green cow in a field? Invisibull.

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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the gym manager when he was joining a new gym? I'll re-rack.

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You're shoes are untied! April fools! Got ya!!

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Right now a group of women at a baby shower are simultaneously saying, "Awwww..." while some knocked up chick holds up a tiny pair of socks.

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Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

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I went in to hospital for an operation... I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said: "Sure, knock yourself out".

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A piece of shit walks into a bar It's my dad... My dad is a piece of shit.

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What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !

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What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

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What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles

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