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reddit_tifu

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mandatory throwaway and this happened a few years back. so there's this popular radio show in my country. they have a love / sex advice portion, most of their callers are wives complaining about their cheating husbands, guys who think their dicks are too small and the occasional celebrity's kid looking to damage their parents' reputation. it's all anonymous and they don't do anything to verify the stories but people still eat it up. anyway, i was taking acting/drama classes at the time and a friend told me that one good way to practice was to do prank calls. make a character, give him a backstory then pick up the telephone and go wild. so i got this idea to prank one of my colleagues. i would call this radio show and pretend to be him. i would introduce myself as emerson (not his real name). emerson was a hardworking man with a loving wife and a healthy, 4 year old son. he cared for both of them dearly but there was one problem. emerson was gay. this was something he had been in denial of all his life, going so far as to marry someone just to prove that he was a man. it wasn't easy. every intimate moment was a challenge for him and having a kid was literally a miracle. they stopped having sex soon after. now at the climax of my performance, i began to wail and confess that this call was emerson's official coming out. he had never told anyone prior to this call and while he wanted so much to admit who he really was, he did not want to abandon his wife and kid. he tried to keep up the ruse but suffered a mental breakdown the last year. radio host goes to give advice about how it wasn't fair to his wife, but it didn't mean he would stop being a father to his son. now, the real emerson wasn't gay. but he did have a wife and child. and while i didn't use his real name, i practically impersonated him. i imitated his voice, his mannerisms, his accent etc. it was a believable performance, enough to convince his wife who just so happened to be listening to the program! she was furious, and emerson came home that night to find all his stuff scattered outside his house. i was wracked with guilt at this point. i was about to cause two people to divorce and a kid to grow up in a broken family. i had to tell them the truth. i met emerson a few nights later, accompanied him to their house, knocked on the door and told them everything. his wife wouldn't believe it at first until i started to impersonate him. they were both pissed. the wife said that i almost destroyed a family. they kicked me out and i was told that i was no longer welcome to be apart of their lives. i met emerson at the office the next day. he told me everything was cool. he was still pissed, but all that ended with him having the best sex of his life that night. he even told me a few weeks later that their relationship actually improved since the phone call so i guess all was well. he also got back at me by calling the same radio show, using my name and proclaiming on live radio that i had a small penis.

pretended to be my friend and confessed on live radio that he was gay, almost causing him and his wife to divorce.

almost causing a husband and wife to divorce

this actually happened just 18 hours ago. first, to help you understand me well i have to point out that i live in algeria, a country in the north of africa with a fucked up government & society. i went to algiers, the capital city, where i had some things to do at the malaysian embassy. being 5 hours early, i didn't know what to do or where else to go so i sat near an unfinished building that was in front of the embassy. it didn’t take long before i became bored af, that’s why i started walking around and taking pictures of myself and the area, sooner after that and when i was answering a call … suddenly and out of nowhere some policemen appeared in front of me and took both my phone and my identity card. they told me that it's absolutely prohibited to take pics of embassies or official building or anything related to the government (of course i didn't know that + there's not any warning sign next to it) they thought that the call i had, which was with my father btw, was me plotting some terrorist attack or whatever … they were even going to take me to the police station for further investigation (as a terrorism suspect) … they called their chief to decide in the end, the chief was actually was a nice person,he let me go after deleting all the pictures but the experience was really terrifying … welcome to a police state.

police officers thought that i am a terrorist who was preparing for attacking the embassy

trying to take a picture of an embassy

before i delve into this, i'm going to give the obligatory "this didn't happen today", it happened last year. it's probably a hard story to believe but i'll try to post some evidence without giving away the video or my identity. just for some context, i work at a sex toy company. a lot of you probably don't even know how companies like mine operate or how we even come up with some of the stuff we make. i've only worked at two companies, so i'm not really too experienced either, but i'll skip the lecture. i'm a designer, i come up with the ideas, sometimes sketch them or put some crap together depending what i have on hand to get my point across of what i'm suggesting. in this case, i came up with a fleshlight that you (the customer/user) would be able to tighten or loosen based on what you felt most comfortable with. it had other features but this is what caused my problem. so, after i came up with my idea, i sent it to one of my buddies who helps manufacture our products so he'd be able to make me a prototype. we have a small group of designers other than myself, and we have a rule (that also serves as comedy) that if you design a product, you have to be the guy who tests it out. usually this only promotes efficiency, as we all want to make good stuff so we can use it ourselves. often times, we brag to each other about how good our products are to each other and bash some of each other's shittier ideas (there's only 4-5 of us, we work in different offices but sometimes meet up or mail each other products to fuck with each other). after a couple weeks i got my prototype, it was basically a normal fleshlight modified by a mechanism i ripped off of massage chairs. basically, it had an attached keypad where you could hit a "+" to add pressure to your junk, and a "-" to make it looser, as well as a vibrate option (i'm pretty creative). so there i am, in my office, alone. it's important to note that this isn't really my office. sometimes my friends/designer buddies stop by and use it for their own crap. they knew i had been making this product and were telling me that it would never work as was too complicated to make and sell, that people preferred just regular fleshlights. of course, i take it out of the box and start doing the normal routine. i then proceeded to hit the "+" button to add pressure and make it a little more rough. to my surprise, it worked! but then it only started to get tighter, and tighter, even though i wasn't even pressing the button. it was tightening itself to the max, and my member was feeling the pressure. so there i am, panicking. i'm scared i'm gonna lose my penis, frankly. i run to get a knife i just happen to have (one of those pocket knives they sell for "survival"). and i just stab the switch and try to pry the fleshlight open (with my member still inside it). mission successful. my member (though still throbbing in pain) was freed. i put on my pants and went home. i was too traumatized. i (stupidly) left everything where it was and didn't even bother to clean up. just locked the door and left the little office building without even talking to anyone. a day later, i get texts and calls from my designer buddies. still joking and messing with me about how my product is bound to fail. i think nothing of it. until one of them sends me a video of me struggling and screaming, trying to get a normal looking fleshlight off my member. one of them had put a camera in my/our office and had just happen to catch me having a sexual catastrophe with my own product. and of course, they posted it on the internet for shits and giggles (blurred my face). suffice to say, i'm now the laughing stock of my group of coworkers.

made a sex toy, got it stuck on my penis and exposed my member to intense pressure. hacked it off with a pocket knife. now it's on the internet for the world to see on some shady porn website as some guy struggling and screaming try to get off a sex toy.

designing a sex toy that malfunctioned

as usual this didn't happen today but when i was twelve years old (so twelve years ago) i had just moved to a new city with my mom and my stepdad, i was spending the rest of summer break at our new apartment doing pretty much nothing all day, i didn't now anyone, my parents worked all day so i was left alone. it was maybe one or two weeks before i was to start in a new school and i had caught a cold, when this happens i usually become very congested runny nose, having to breathe through my mouth, not a pretty sight to behold (specially on a chubby 12 year old), so on one of these sick days my nose was runnier and itchier than usual so i spent a lot of time wiping it, sticking my fingers in to scratch it, the whole deal. a little bit of background here: previously i had suffered from random nosebleeds before, i would just be sitting in the bus and my nose would just start to bleed, that sort of thing. my parents took me to the doctor to get some tests done and he said i just had thin blood vessels in my nose or something along those lines. so nothing to worry about. when these nosebleeds would happen i would just tilt my head back for a few moments and it would stop. okay, back to sick day, from all the rubbing and scratching i must have open a vessel and my nose started bleeding, no big deal, i tilt my head back and i assume it will go away... oh boy was i wrong. after a couple minutes i realize i'm tasting the blood in my mouth. it's not stopping. i go to the bathroom sink and spit a lot of blood. since i tilted my head forward a gush of blood comes out of my nose. fuck. i grab a full roll of toilet paper and press it against my nose and since i'm freaking out i just start pacing through the whole apartment. when i look at the paper roll it's fully red, there's blood running down my arm, i grab another roll of paper. keep in mind i'm still pacing through the apartment, the three bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, kitchen, living room and main hallway leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind me. by this point i gotta let my mom know what's happening. where i'm from there's no ems i can call without any kind of insurance information. i'm was a dumb twelve year old who didn't know what the fuck insurance was or ems for that matter. i just need my mom. there's no land line in the apartment. double fuck. oh i know i'll call my mom from my super cool flip phone. wait, phone plans and carriers are weird in my country so i have a different company than my mom and i don't have minutes for her phone company. holy fucking shit. i'm gonna die. who the fuck can i call in this shitty new city where i know nobody? the answer is no one. i call an aunt in my hometown. she picks up, i'm freaking out i tell her to call my mom cause i'm dying here, she freaks out. tells me to hang up so che can get in touch with my mom. okay, i hang up, i'm still pacing through the apartment leaving bloody toilet paper, footprints and just an all around mess. my mom calls me i tell her what's happening she says she'll be home in 20 minutes. by this point my clothes are soaked in blood i've wasted like 4 rolls of toilet paper and i just fall on the floor crying and bleeding. i'm starting to faint. shit. i hear the door open and my mom enters she freaks out because she finds me lying in a pool of my own blood picks me up and her co-worker rushes us to the hospital. awesome. i'm not dying. great. not so fast. remember the whole ems and insurance thing? in my country the only way to be admitted into a private hospital through the er (because in a public one i might as well have died back in the apartment) is to have your insurance company issue an approval key to greenlight the procedures. it takes them another half our to issue the damn key and keep in mind i'm still bleeding. i'm fading in and out of consciousness, my mom is yelling at everybody to start treating me. they finally send me in. they patch the blood vessel with silver nitrate or something and start giving me blood transfusions. by this point i'm just unconscious. i wake up a few hours later, with my mom and my stepdad in the room. apparently i lost around 40% of my blood and was extremely close to dying by exsanguination. they had me in observation for another day before sending me home. oh also, my stepdad's brother was in town and he had a spare key for the apartment, he stopped by that same day after my mom took me to the hospital and he freaked out, he thought someone was brutally murdered in the apartment. there was blood everywhere. he called my stepdad to see if we were still alive, my stepdad told him what had happened and he spent like 4 hours cleaning up the freaking crime scene i left behind. that sucked. i was sick. i rubbed my nose too hard i almost died. i made someone think a quentin tarantino film had taken place in my apartment. edit: words are hard.

picking my nose and almost bleeding to death.

this story begins last saturday as i was attending a relative's birthdayparty. here i talked to a cousin of my mine who showed me the scp website. (for those who don't know this is a huge catalogue of fictive stories about mysterious things and creatures held my a secret organisation to secure contain and protect) as someone who enjoys spending a lot of time at night reading this seemed like the perfect kind of content for me to go through as the usual hunt through the various reddit pages sometimes feels a bit dry. my cousin then proceeds to tell me that i absolutely have to read about [scp 087] and while doing so i should have a rather creepy song playing while going through the transcripts. at the time i looked at the initial description of what was apparently a haunted stairwell with a child asking for help somewhere deep down in the darkness. this didn't scare me at the time and i didn't think much of it as i am usually rather hard to scare. however last night as i was browsing reddit i suddenly remembered the scp website and promptly went there. as i got through a couple other scp's i decided to start the music and check if it was some sort of cheap trick by my cousin to scare me with some sort of scream at a weird time of the video. it wasn't. however it did set the tone for my evening to be quite a bit more spooky than i had anticipated. i started to read the transcripts anyway which in retrospect really should have been done without the music. as i got through the first two transcripts i was actually alright with it. i could feel the goosebumps a bit but in an entertained kind of way like watching a horror movie that intrigues you. so i continued through it and got to a point where it started to make me feel not so good. the transcripts tell of 3 individual investigations where someone traverses down the stairwell. the first two of which walk for quite a while until faced by a glowing face with humanlike features without being human. (bascially the worst type of face) the third person however doesn't see the face like the others until she at one point decides she has walked down long enough and tunrs around to realise that the face has been right behind her the whole time. this type of horror is something i don't like. creppy creatures and monsters that attack people i can live with but the sneaky creatures that adapt and mostly just watch freak me out. the transcripts then end as the third person is forced to run further down until she falls over and presumably dies. great, the story is over, i'm more scared than i have been for a long time with some sort of paranoia starting to grow. i decide it's time to go to bed but can't shake the uneasy feelings from the story off. as i get to the bathroom it gets to the point where i scan the whole room for any potential monsters, even checking behind the shower curtain. (writing this in broad daylight makes me feel a bit shameful but in the moment i was dead serious) being ready to sleep i check my room for anything suspicious and go to sleep. suddenly i wake up and just a few centimeters from my face is a glowing face. instinctively i punch it and complete darkness ensues, followed by a bump. i just lie there completely still trying to figure out what just happend. adrenaline pumping i jump out of bed quickly getting to the lightswitch and i turn it on to see what i have done. the reading lamp by the side of my bed is smashed and my phone lies under the bed. (my bed is about 2 meters in the air) the only thought in head at this point is fuck as i realise that i just destroyed my own lamp and pushed my phone off the shelf above it in my panic. having calmed down i inspect my phone and luckily it appears without much more then a scratch on the side. the lamp however is done for. i then proceed to climb back into bed and try to sleep. a few minutes go by as i just keep rethinking how the hell the lamp turned on and how it all happend when i hear a sound about 200 meters outside the house. the sound of a child screaming. i freeze completely. awaiting some sort of other sound to follow by only complete silence. the next hour or so i just lie there in my bed waiting for something, anything to happen but nothing did appear. so for those considering reading a creepy story late at night while playing music to scare yourselves. please don't, you might regret it.

i read a creepy story while have creepy music playing which made me somewhat paranoid. as i woke late at night i saw what appeared to be the creature from the story and pucnhed only to realise i smashed my lamp and pushed my phone off a shelf so it dropped 2 meters. later i heard haunting noices which scared me to the point where i couldn't sleep.

smashing my lamp, dropping my phone and making myself paranoid

customary "this was actually a few years ago"... i've been an avid reader ever since i was able to understand written words. i read the entirety of the dark tower series (only seven books at the time) within one school semester when i was 16, and it blew my mind. wizard and glass is my favorite, and i wanted to get a second tattoo back in the fall of 14, so i figured i'd combine the two. there's a gang in the book called "the big coffin hunters", and they have a distinct blue coffin tattooed on the skin between their index finger and thumb. after drawing it onto myself everyday for two weeks, i made an appointment at a local tattoo shop. the night before, i'm rereading wag again, just for the nostalgia. next morning, i go to my appointment, get the piece done in about fifteen minutes for around $75 (i went with black ink instead of blue, it won't fade or blur as badly), and return home happy as a clam. i go back into my room and pick the book up again. as i'm reading through, i get to the part that describes the coffin tattoos. i'm smiling to myself, until i see the words "on their right hands". my jaw drops. i look down at the fresh ink on my left hand. husband comes running as i shout "oh god no" and curse a few times. the description was only three or four pages away from where i'd stopped reading the night before. if i'd just stayed up a little longer, i'd have it on the proper hand. this is the most permanent screwup of my life. (in retrospect, i find it hilarious. and it's actually a good thing, because otherwise when i shake hands, that's the first thing they'd see.)

i got a tattoo that is a direct reference to a book on the wrong hand, which would have been avoided if i'd read an extra chapter the night before.

not reading an extra chapter of a book.

at work today, i fucked up. shit. literally. there i sat minding my own business, while i was doing my mindless work. to be honest i was getting bored and quite frustrated with computer systems that would not work properly. enter the tummy rumble. i am posting under a fake account, because several people know my real account and i really don't need this associated with that; there are people who do not know that it was me. i thought i can just shove my ass into the chair, let one rip nobody will hear it i will probably be the only one that smells it. you know when you can just tell if something is going to be a silent nice little puff versus a gigantic horn? have you ever been tricked? i have. so i decided to let it rip as nobody else seemed to be around at that time, but i must have pushed too hard. i felt the hot lava coming out of my asshole and before i could clamp my ass cheeks shut, i felt it hit the underwear. as a female... yes a female, i always keep an extra pair of panties hidden away and one of my desk drawers in a little bag with pads just in case that time of the month decides to sneak up on me and obliterate my undergarments. i've never been so happy as i was today that 1. the shitstorm did not go past the panties and 2. i had remembered to make sure that i had a pair of underwear in my drawer. i ran to the private bathroom that we had in our area and i cleaned up my shame. unfortunately the smell was quite strong over by my desk when i sat back down and a bunch of people came back from break and i got a couple looks that were a little suspecting. i tried to play it off as though it must be the toilet maybe it's the sewer like it was last week... but i'm pretty sure, i'm pretty *positive* in fact someone knows. edit: don't underestimate a fart

today i fucked up i just fucked up.

mistaking a shart for a silent fart.

so this actually happened like 3 years ago at the beginning of high school. so i was hanging out at the house of my buddy's house and i mentioned in passing i never played portal before and he sets up it up on his pc. every thing is fine for like half an hour and then i stumble upon a particularly difficult level and in fit of frustration i stand straight up somehow smacking my balls against the desk. then disaster strikes again as in fall back in pain and promptly end up sitting on them. then i fall out of the chair sideways and end squishing them between my thighs. i was out for a while and my best friend laughed his ass off. needless to say i haven't played portal since. i also dropped plyers on the later that day.

i ragequitted at portal 2 and hurt my balls multiple times.

playing portal nsfw

haha, i'm new to reddit, so this is the most interesting story i have in mind. this actually happened today, late afternoon. i was minding my own business until my sister had secretly baked some tasty snacks. it was some homemade bread with cheese and other mouth watering, flavorful toppings. i took a little bite... i was like; okay it's good! i then proceed to consume the entire thing, then it hits me. my sister had left the bread out to ferment and it was a little too long... for those who are not familiar with biology, fermenting releases alcohol... you know where this is going. i realized this as i tasted a very distinct alcoholy taste. later that night i got dizzy (when i was not but i couldn't tell) so i assumed i was drunk when i wasn't. it did manage to make me step on my dog with both feet and create my reddit account. at least in my placebo- drunk craze i did not find a coconut in my closet. edit: i'm so sorry guys for posting cancer like this, i was incredibly tired and down at the time

i ate alcohol infused bread and thought i was drunk and possibly damaged my friendship with my dog

consuming overly fermented bread and thinking i was drunk and fucking up my first reddit post which caused me to step on my dog

so last night i decided to go see a concert, my first time at this particular venue (over 21 to enter). it was a grunge rock music festival, with fantastic tributes to stone temple pilots, foo fighters, pearl jam, and nirvana. last may i turned 21 (and i have basically zero drinking experience), so i figured i would be adventurous and have a little more than my usual one beer to experiment. sometime after faux pearl jam took the stage i decided to have a third beer (not too much of a pearl jam fan haha). i drank over 2/3rds of that third beer until i realized that i didn't feel too good. the nirvana tribute was about halfway​ through their set now and i noticed that i was sweating profusely. this was when i remembered that this was the first time i had consumed alcohol since i started taking 50mg sertraline (zoloft) for anxiety. a few minutes later i started to get nauseous from the intense strobe lights on stage, and ended up spontaneously throwing up on the monitor wedge at the center of the stage. i got most of it into my left hand over my mouth, but it was too little, too late. the dude standing next to me looked over and mouthed "oh shit, are you okay?" and i nodded as i stumbled to the venue's bathroom to clean myself up. i watched the rest of the band's set from a chair at the bar. went home feeling like a binge drinking dumbass. never again, lesson learned!

drank 3 beers for the first time at a concert, realized it was mixing with my anxiety meds, threw up on fake kurt cobain's stage monitor.

drinking too much at a grunge festival.

i had not zested the lemon for some time due to traveling. when i finally got home, i pulled up some quality stuff and started the throw down. i pulled up some askreddit thread about how to masturbate well, and it said to make it a marathon, not a sprint. i usually and a "sprinter" myself and spend under 3 minutes usually. so this time i decided to stop and take a few seconds to breathe every time i came close to a ko. i lost track of time and ended up spending some odd 5 hours just doing the up and down fist grab. felt amazing when i finally came, 9/10. i cleaned up, when to bed, and fell asleep. but when i woke up today, my shoulders and arms were so sore (i switched which hand fairly often) i could hardly move them. this was especially awkward during tennis practice. "hey why are you hitting so bad today?" "oh i just fapped too hard last night." "oh ok.. wait what?"

fapped too hard for too long, couldn't play tennis next day.

fapping too long (nsfw)

this just happened. i have an english bulldog. if anyone owns one can tell you as well, they smell like a giant foot on a good day. a bad day they smell of hot garbage with a yeast infection. today reached hazmat level. we are a military family and have been relocated to georgia. georgia is hot and muggy af and i don't know if there is an allergen that doesn't reside here. english bulldogs are allergic to practically everything so add itching, hair loss and a large vet bill to this mix of fresh bulldog owner hell. he is as miserable as we (and our poor iroomba) are. medication, shots, special shampoos. we can't wait to move north. well today my husband had to work and it just had to be done. my house was beginning to smell like a free clinic. after shoving his 60lb fa up the stairs i started the routine. medicated the water, got the towels, scrub brush and my strength. his fur is short and pretty water resistant so you have to scrub good to get to the skin. you have to pretty much dissociate yourself and lose all shame to scrub all of the areas that need extra help. i worked my way to the rear and as i lift his cork screw tail i get squirted face full of the foulest smelling liquid from his ass. apparently his anal glands needed to be expressed and i must have hit the trigger. it sprayed out of his anus, like one of those water toys, all over my face, shirt and wall. i run blindly to the sink and scrubbed my face raw. i had to psych myself out to not puke. afterwards i finished his bath and i swear he smells worse than before. maybe it's just my upper lip. *puke*

tifu by giving my dog a bath and getting a shit shower instead.

scrubbing my dog too hard and getting a facial.

this happened when i was like 16. i had been running around in a little kid's playground, and decided it would be cool to try and be a ninja around the entire place. i was jumping off of slides, leaping from guardrail to guardrail and running across the top of the monkey bars. eventually i had made it to the top of the highest slide and was determined to do a backflip and land on my hands in a handstand position, cause i thought that would look awesome, and i saw a guy do something similar in an anime before, so i thought it was definitely possible. i jump off the slide, and immediately my foot gets caught on the side of the slide, which messes up my backflip form. but i was determined to get this to work! so i extend my arms out anyway, and my hands hit the ground before any other part does. i'm thinking, "success!" but a second later i hear both my arms snap really loud. turns out, my forearms landed in a weird way, and pushed my elbow joints up past my upper arm to my armpits. it looked really weird. like i had a really fat upper arm or something, and two large bumps where my armpits were suppose to be. my skin was also jutting out in places where it wasn't suppose to, and my forearms looked like jelly gloves. i couldn't move my hands or anything, but i still had a little bit of muscle control in both arms. i guess the adrenaline was still kicking in, because i hadn't felt any pain at that moment. i decided then and there that i was going to save my parents any expensive medical bills by flexing both arms as hard as i could to snap my arms back to where they were suppose to be. without a seconds hesitation, i flexed as hard as i could, and instantly heard another four huge snaps. both forearms and upper arms broke in two, and had pierced through my skin and muscle pretty bad. like really bad actually, to the point where my arms were really mangled up. i just stood there for what felt like an eternity as i tried to contemplate what just happened. the thing that brought me back to my senses was one of my elbows had fallen back towards my hand, and hit my wrist pretty hard. i snapped back to reality, and then i felt a crazy, crazy amount of pain. i mean crazy amount of pain, like it felt like i was going to pass out just from the pain. i started crying and running as fast as i could in the direction of home. even though i was like 5 miles away from home i didn't care. now keep in mind this was during the time where skateboard shoes were really in style, and people would where those really big shoes with the flat bottoms and never tie there laces...yeah i was that type of poser kid haha. i must have tripped like 30 times on my way home, each time landing either on my shoulder or on the absolutely shredded arms of mine. to add salt to the wound, most of the trek back home was on back roads that had asphalt and stuff on them, so i got my face and knees pretty scraped up too. by the time i got home it was like late evening and my parents were both gone out with friends of theirs. usually this is fine because i would just get in through the front door with the key, or use the garage pass code thingy, but in this case both arms were totally useless, so i had to wait. outside. for like an hour. i couldn't even wipe my eyes full of tears or tend to the scrapes on my face and knees. anyway, they finally got home, and i was taken to the er for surgery. the doctors said it was long surgery and that i was lucky my parents found me when they did, cause i could have had to amputate both arms off. a year later i went back to the park with my little brother, not telling him that this was where i broke my arms. to this day i still wonder if what i was attempting is even possible, and even though i'm tempted to go back and try, i think i'll wait till i can do a cartwheel first haha.

tried to flex both dislocated forearms and elbows back into place, end up fracturing both upper arms and both forearms in multiple places

trying to flex my dislocated forearms back into place

unlike the majority of posts here, this just happened a few minutes ago. i live in seattle, and there is a neo-nazi counterprotest occurring. i didn't have time to eat lunch, but i went anyway. i rode the bus down to join them with my flag. 1000 people and i marched all around the city, being pepper sprayed and flash bombed on the way. someone even tried (poorly) to recreate what happened in charlottesville by ramming a bike into the crowd. i was wearing a mask the whole time, also waving a flag. by 4:30 pm, we had surrounded the nazis, much to the police's dismay. then, i began to feel a bit dizzy. my vision became a bit fuzzy. eventually i just tried to escape the crowd and find a place to lean. eventually i found a barricade that i leaned on, but it was not enough. i managed to pass out, forcing everyone to move and let the medics help me. i'm waiting for my bus back home as i write. i wasn't able to continue on, unfortunately. i'm just glad that there were medics there to help out.

didn't eat or drink, went out to protest, passed the fuck out.

not eating before waving a flag.

so this happened about 30 minutes ago. i have been trying to get into meal prep because i'm tired of coming home and not having any food prepared after work. i live with my parents and my dad usually has days off and tends to eat a lot of our leftovers and doesn't cook so i have to at least make something on the weekends so me and my mom don't starve. anyways, so for my sunday meal prep i decided on jerk chicken. i've never made it before so i found a decent recipe and decided to give it a shot. fast forward into making it, i got everything ready and was putting everything for the marinade into the food processor. everything was going fine until i added the last ingredient: 1/2 tsp of allspice. i dumped the amount into the food tube thingy and was about to hit the button when my mom asks me something. i stopped to answer and my mom took a deep breath in order to respond to me. she all of a sudden starts coughing and choking and i'm all standing there trying to figure out why she is coughing so much. not my best moment but for some reason i start laughing maniacally cuz in my own sick mind i find it hilarious. i also realize that i have to go to the bathroom. instead of helping her out, i walk to the bathroom cracking up. finally after going to the bathroom i can hear her yelling at me for laughing which of course i deserve. before i wash my hands though, my eye starts to itch so i wipe my eye. big mistake. my eye all of a sudden felt like i stuck it with a hot fire poker and the skin around it feels like it's melting. i start freaking out and try to put as much water in my eye as i can stand. during this my nose is running like a waterfall. after a good 10 minutes of water and blotting my eye with wet paper towels, my eye feels a little bit better. right now i'm still trying to finish the stupid marinade with a wet towel eye patch and my mom is still pissed.

trying to make a marinade, ended up making my mom choke, laughed about it, and made myself temporarily blind

laughing at my mom choking

this happened 2 hours ago. i was emailing a .txt containing the latest installment of my fanfiction to myself because i'd written it on my laptop and i wanted to edit it on my desktop. but i typed in my work email by accident. it's extremely similar to my personal email, but my work email automatically forwards every incoming message to everyone in my department. didn't even think about it. i've never actually gotten physically sick because of a mistake before. the panic has died down a little. i've begun to accept that this is my life now. it's not even tame porn you guys. i'm going to resign tomorrow, early in the morning, by means of a letter; leave my keys to the building in the envelope; and go back to get a different degree. i've been thinking about doing it for a while. guess i don't really have a choice now. --- **edit:** thank you guys for all the advice and reassurance you've offered. you have no idea how much i needed it. i feel a little more human now, but this thread has gotten away from me. i still plan on resigning. i liked my job, but my boss will hear about this one way or another and as much as i appreciate all of the lies you've suggested, i honestly can't lie to her. i'm a shitty shitty liar and she's a very sharp woman. i won't get fired, she'd never pay unemployment as long as she lived, but i can't hope to move up in this particular company after something like this, and my life could get very difficult where i'm at. i intend to go back to school. it's what i've been wanting to do for a long time, but i never had the courage to move forward with it. fortunately the nearby college has a good nursing program and i'm taking steps to register for fall. now if you'll excuse me i'm going to go lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. --- **last edit:** i know there might be at most 3 people who see this but i felt the need to update. it's very anticlimactic. i calmed down before going into work monday and decided not to resign right off the bat. i just walked in like everything was normal and tried not to look at anyone. i sent out an email stating that my personal account had been compromised, and to please delete any messages from my personal account, as they may contain viruses. i felt like a dumbass trying to lie, but nobody approached me or acted strangely all day. my boss didn't even speak to me. these last few days have been the same. maybe they read it, maybe they didn't, i have no clue. my guess is "no" but that might just be wishful thinking. either way, my life is going on somehow - but i'm definitely never going to email myself porn again. and for those of you who were curious, it was a hg x lm fic set 5 years after the last book, so no, there was no cp or any other kind of nonsense going on, just regular ol sex between adults, although one is much older than the other. so don't worry. the children are safe.

sent a chapter of my harry potter porn to my coworkers earlier today. going to resign in disgrace tomorrow.

accidentally emailing everybody in my dept a chapter of my pornographic harry potter fanfiction.

for some context, im 30 years old and live in my girlfriends parents basement. bad housing market and whatnot. its not an ideal situation, but her parents are very accommodating. today we decided to head out and enjoy the day. taking some back roads into the mountains, we found some water and enjoyed ourselves. once we arrived back to civilization and cell service, we notice a few missed calls from her father. we think nothing of it and arrive home shortly after. we arrive to her father absolutely tripping out on weed cookies. turns out he thought we used a new sugar, he thought they tasted a little wierd. he proceeded to eat 2 of them he says it comes in waves. he forgets then it hits him again. hes been pacing around alot. i feel horrible. in a way its his fault for eating cookies that werent his. i feel like it falls on me for not labeling them. anyone have any suggestions to help this pass quicker? hes in his early 50s and hasnt done a drug in his life.

(?)- didn't label my weed cookies. faather in-law ate 2. hes tripping out a bit.

not labeling my edibles.

so i got back from home depot to paint the house we just bought in this nice neighborhood. the gallon of paint falls out of truck and breaks spilling all of it on the driveway. panicked it will stain our new driveway, i begin dumping water on it and then spraying it with a hose. satisfied i got as much as i could with those, i begin power washing the driveway. all done and clean. look up and see a giant paint trail that runs down the block and into the next streets. red paint everywhere! panicked i grab a bucket of water and push broom to see if i can clean it. can't. it's already in the concrete. i'll probably get fined some mass amount of money by the city all because there was a bucket of red paint on sale and i thought it would look good on the patio furniture.

. moved into new swanky neighborhood. bought paint. spilled paint. washed paint. now the neighborhood streets have paint all them.

painting the street red on accident.

for years i've been wanting to build my own pc for many reasons: 1:) the satisfaction of knowing that i put it together myself 2:) the tingly sensuous i get from powering in my pc knowing that it works 3:) bragging to my friends and family that i now posses a badass computer that i put together on my own with that being said, i never had the knowledge to just go out and purchase components, a tower, and then assemble everything and have things work properly. so i asked for the help from my good buddy /u/imadv8 who is a techs god and has vast amounts of knowledge on everything that is technology. he built me a fantastical gaming pc on pcpartpicker and instructed me to buy these components in order to create the machine of my dreams. for months i saved up and finally obtained enough cash to purchase everything i needed. i placed the order and waited impatiently for my packages to arrive. when the bell rang my heart began to race as i knew whom the individual on the other side was. i snagged my boxed and tore it open, first opening my psu, then moving to my graphics card, shortly after my motherboard, ram, ssd, and finally my processor. i sweat profusely as i quickly open each package in excitement and set in nicely to the side. i spent copious amounts of time reading each manual carefully to ensure i know what i'm doing and what goes where. it took 4 hours just to assemble the machine, but alas i connect sata cable to my ssd, close up my tower, and power this baby up. everything boots correctly and i load into bios, sweet the bios screen this is so awesome! i read through the various bios settings then insert my windows 10 usb installer and reboot. windows installer loads and i go through the steps to install, this is so exciting! i make it to the drive selection screen, and there's nothing there. i think maybe it's the port i have my ssd plugged into (i have 6 available to me). so i change the port and reboot, same problem. i take the whole machine apart and put it back together, over, and over again, still nothing. for three days, i google answers to all my questions, and found many solutions. i tried solution after solution, but no solution would work for me. finally, after becoming far behind in college due to the inability to get my computer working i get all bummed out and don't do any of my college work. last resort, text /u/imadv8. i tell him my situation, he immediately asks "does bios detect your ssd?" i didn't know, so i loaded up bios and checked, turns out it wasn't detecting it. i respond that it is not and he replies with "do you have power hooked up to the ssd?" i answer yes, in the assumption that my sata cable from my ssd to my motherboard was supplying it power, could not have been more wrong. he informs me that the sata data cable is different than the sata power cable and that the power cable needs a direct line to the psu. i pull everything apart and plug the ssd into the psu. pissed off at how easy this sounds, i reboot my machine into bios, there's my ssd. then i reboot into windows installer, go through the steps, get to the drive selection screen and lone behold, the holy sight that is my ssd in the glorious land of the selection menu. for three days, three days, i died inside, and in 30 seconds that man solved all my problems. not all heroes wear capes.

bought parts to build a pc, didn't hook up power to the ssd, tried for 3 days to install windows.

attempting to install windows on a ssd that was unplugged.

so my laptop has had overheating issues for the last 2-3 months, and i refused to do anything about it until two days ago, where i decided to watch a video on dismantling my particular model laptop and cleaning it's fan. after removing the keyboard and unplugging everything inside that i could, i attempted to take the motherboard out with a small plastic prying tool meant for cellphone repairs. i don't know exactly happened, but i know for a fact that i damaged something in the motherboard while doing it. i wasn't able to remove the motherboard, and instead i found a video on how to clean your laptop without opening it up (it involves blowing into your laptop's heat exhaust). after that i put everything back together. i turn on my laptop on the next day, and everything is worse that it was before. my games crashed even more often, and some things simply didn't work properly. on the next day, my start menu wouldn't show anything, and i couldn't open any programs from the search bar. i am genuinely disappointed, as this laptop was really good and costed a grand. edit: after making a new account on the laptop, it seems to be working fine. i'll try to reinstall all of my programs and see how it goes.

opened my laptop and broke the motherboard.

dissecting my laptop

##pens my first experience of **hell itch** was in my lower teens when my family and i spent a day fishing at a local stream without sunscreen. to celebrate that milestone we go fishing again, two days later. this time we decide to invest in some sunscreen, hoping to learn from our already scarlet flesh. sadly, the damage was done and on the ride home, i began to feel this terrible, ever-present**itch** on my back and ask my dad to pull over. the **itch**ing only grows until i pour ice-cold water over my back from a cooler, providing immediate, amazing relief... for about two minutes a splash. at the end of those two minutes, the **itch** returns all the worse for the waiting. we eventually just get in the car and i white-knuckle it the hour and a half home, the **itch** dragging it's claws through my back more slowly and less deeply all the while. time goes on. ##needles i'm now in my upper teens and home for summer break. like a dutiful, capitalistic youngster, i volunteer to mow and trim the lawn (4+ acres) for a tidy sum of cash. parents agree, and i get to mowing without a shirt, sunscreen, or care in the world. two days later, i feel **it**. everything is terrible, i hate everything in life. the **itch** is back, i sit in my computer chair until i feel a twinge, a scratch, an ant-sized **itch**. making a terrible mistake, i decide to shower, with the thought that i might be having an allergic reaction to something and should wash it off. the shower involves water, soap, all things that can dry out skin. i try to get out of the shower several times over the next few hours, each with the **itch** returning, immediate and unrelenting. finally the water runs cold, exhaustion hits, and i retreat to my bed to restlessly toss and turn until lucifer grows bored. time goes on. ##knives i am now twenty-three and am driving back west from a funeral in the south, i am feeling grief and the certain shade of guilt you get when you leave behind someone who you loved. now, i have a personal rule to not become intoxicated while excessively sad, angry, nervous, or depressed; as i'm of the mindset that mind-alteration should be on occasion of celebration, not grief. however, i do hold the notion that a medicine, correctly applied, can be healing, regardless of the source. regardless, i was past the angry stage, past the depressive state, and was beginning to accept that a figure in my childhood had moved forward. all that rushes through my head as i sit in my parked car, hands still on the wheel, staring across a lush mountain stream. i sit there for a few minutes, alternatively noting the lack of passing cars and the refreshing water. with my first heart-felt smile in a while, i get out of my car and quickly shuck my oxfords in favor of chacos, my stiff slacks for six-year-old cargo shorts, and my faded tee shirt for my gleaming, pearlescent torso laid bare to the glare of god. in my right hand is my phone. in my left is my preferred method of cannabis consumption. my pockets hold my water, a kind bar, and a set of keys. and so prepared, i enjoy the next several hours climbing over rocks, jumping between river islands, and photographing all that i see. throughout, i narrate this wonderful experience to nature. i accept my past. all this i dump into my verbal diary until all my words run dry and give way to three words. **"i can swim"** i threw my shirt onto a giant rock in the river and promptly jump into the silky, deliciously clean mountain water. an hour passes as i alternate between floating down the river and swimming back upstream. all the while, god's frown only deepened and his gaze sharpened upon my porcelain skin. and so it was that i found myself finishing the day by drying off with the towel my car, judas, had been warming up for me. my shorts were soaked, but i felt they matched the happy path this road trip had taken. the next seven hours weren't too remarkable, but the driving was made exceptionally pleasant from the lack of cars on the road and the warm spring air coming through judas's windows. i fell asleep almost immediately when i arrived home that night. yesterday morning was uneventful; i was laid in bed feeling the unpleasant, but manageable burn that accompanies a sunburn. the day went well and i go through another evening shift with red arms coming out of my scrubs. not remembering the past, i take my routine evening shower. not more than five minutes following the shower, i begin to feel little tickles on my back; little pinpricks of pain. i dismissed these foolishly. if only i had the foresight to bring sunscreen before the pens grew into needles and the needles grew into knives and the knives continued to stab into my flesh, repeatedly and constantly as i tried to force myself to sleep. having had enough, i forced myself to jump back into the shower and spray scolding hot water onto my already tender, painful skin. there i stood, experiencing a new pain from the water. i prayed the **itch** wouldn't return when i the water left. i spent that shower waiting. i waited for benadryl to knock me out. i waited for the water temperature to stop the **itch**, i waited for the benadryl to be expired and kill me with a heart attack - i didn't care, i just waited. i felt i was empty husk when i stepped from that shower, so terrified to have hope. i stepped out of the shower and had the realization that the monster on my back was calm, the hot water had sated him in a way i hadn't dare hope for. i gingerly stepped into my room, crawled under the covers and felt an ember of hope begin to smolder in my trembling chest. today when i woke, i was afraid of the sensation moving might bring me. thankfully, the morning air was kind and i began my day normally aside from than the two or three needles randomly and infrequently. my hope that i was through with the **itch** was a match light. but the match flickered and those needles began to grow once again to spike my mind and muscles into action and spasm. in response to with the growing pain, i grew angry, took another benadryl in defiance of my latest glass of caffeine, and i paced, running through my options, before suddenly snapping. i begin doing push-ups. i do bicep curls. i do sit ups. i defy pain. i look right in it's eyes and say that i'm tired; i accept your message and i will move past you. maybe it was the increased circulation, maybe the exercise over-road the pain from the **itch**, but i don't definitively know how the pain was stopped. i sit here without pain, i moved past the itch. but judas is now hanging on to a bottle of spf 70.

i have the most white person problem - i develop a strange reaction to over exposure to the sun. this reaction occurs most commonly in individuals of northern-european descent and remains relatively undocumented and is joyfully called hell itch. this post is a true retelling of my past and current experiences with hell itch. google "hell itch" for more horror stories. or go to the subreddit /u/hellsitch. thank you for reading!

getting sunburnt. - the hell itch chronicles

so one day i thought to myself. hey! i'm pretty hungry i'll make cookies. so at the time i didnt know how to operate basic appliances. so since i'm too lazy/stupid to figure how to operate an oven i was like pffft i don't have time to learn that i will just put that in the microwav because that makes sense to me apparently. so when my genius intelligence i took a large plate and a large scoop (i had a tub of cookie dough at the time) of cookie dough. then i had the brilliant idea of putting the cookie for 5-10 minutes in the microwave. since i put the cookie dough in there for that long it got dark brown/black and slowly started to explode. so long story short the cookie dough exploded and got all over the microwave my mom wasn't happy and that's why i'm not allowed to use the microwave because i've blown up 3 things in it.

i blew up cookie dough in the microwave and now my mom won't let me use the microwave.

blowing up cookie dough

so here's the scoop. i'm a senior undergrad and this is my last semester. the semester has gotten busy, especially with a final capstone research project i've been working on. last night i received an email stating my draft was due tomorrow, a full 2 weeks before i anticipated it. naturally, i hadn't even finished the work for the project, let alone any of the reports, because lol procrastination. so i tell myself i'm gonna buckle down and complete the all the work over night, and all will be great and right in the world. except the program i need to use is buggy as hell and the models are way more complicated to run than i had thought. so i fight the good fight, and what do you know, pulled and all nighter and didn't even finish. awesome right? but wait i still need to commute my hour drive to campus. people can function on 0 hours of sleep going 70 on a highway right? well it turns out my eyelids are more fucking dense than the sun and i just couldn't hold them open. ended up falling asleep at the wheel and turned into a median. thankfully i only lost my side view mirror (and all my bowels knoimsaying) and scuffed/scratched the hell out of my car. one hell of scare, has me feeling like i ding donged ditched satan.

always sleep. just not at the wheel.

pulling an all nighter

i live in an aparment complex that has garden plots that tenants can sign up for and use for the summer each year. it's finally nice weather out so they just opened this week and i wanted to get out there and start weeding, loosen the soil a bit, plan out the plot, lots of prep stuff before actually planting this weekend. yesterday was gorgeous so i decided it would be a good time to do all that after i got out of work. so, i got out and decided to get dinner started while i was out in the garden. i was planning on tacos with black beans so i got the beans going in a pot of water (normally takes at least 45 minutes of simmering for dried beans to become edible, most of the time they're good for at least an hour to an hour and a half). so, the pot's boiling, i've still got a good 2 hours of sunlight left, and i head out to the garden. twenty minutes in, my so went and checked on them and said they were a little low on water so he added some more. forty five minutes later, the dirt's good to go for this weekend's planting. i'm fantasizing about tacos when i hear the fire alarm's going off. shit. i started walking a little faster hoping that it's just a little smoky. nope. smoke's pouring out of my apartment's windows. the police had just gotten there and the fire department's on their way (the building's alarms automatically contact emergency services. i ran in to take the damn beans on the stove and get the cat out. there's no fire, just a ton of smoke, a very upset kitty cat, and a few annoyed neighbors. now i have to take a fire safety course mandated by my lease and everything in my apartment smells like burnt beans. at least things didn't turn out much, much worse.

gardened, made dinner, smoked the house and the cat (cat's ok)

being an idiot and trying to do too many domestic things at once

i have waited for several years for coldplay to perform in asia where i live in. tickets in alot of countries in asia were sold out but the one in japan wasn't released to the public yet. so i waited to buy online at the official site during the general public sale, but they were sold out within seconds. this was the fu when i purchased two tickets from **viagogo** for coldplay performing on the 19th of april in tokyo dome. i did my research about **viagogo** everywhere along with other third party sites and it had a f ton of bad reviews everywhere in the internet. i even went to yahoo jp auction website to register but it required authentication in japanese. i was desperate for the tickets that i went on ahead and spent *$567* for two tickets from **viagogo** anyway. more than a week before the event, i received two incorrect tickets to norah jones which happens in a few days. and even if i were to send it back it wouldn't make it. i tried contacting them about it but i have never heard back since. back when i needed help with changing the delivery address they were willing to reply to my e-mail but after getting the incorrect tickets they have been ignoring my emails. update: viagogo contacted me close to midnight before the event day itself. so they asked me to collect the tickets at a post office about 3 hours before the event. went there, met alot of people who were also going through the same thing. not sure if they got theirs in the end, but i received mine and got to the concert !

**viagogo** went radio silent after sending me wrong tickets to another concert which costs 30% of what i actually paid for.

purchasing concert tickets from viagogo

usually, i'm just content with just lurking around reddit. however, this just happened to me and i figured i might as well make an account to post it. my sister and i were waiting for our mother as she was ordering some food. rather than sit down inside the restaurant with our mama (which, in retrospect, would have made the most sense), we stayed outside and leaned on the railings overlooking the mall. first mistake. had my back to the railing and was constantly shuffling and re-adjusting, because it's uncomfortable to lean on a railing while wearing a backpack (with a water bottle in its side pocket to boot). second mistake. after a few minutes of being distracted on my cellphone (third mistake) i hear a loud crash and some murmuring below. i turned to look at my sister, who had a horrified expression on her face. below us was a group senior citizens seated at a coffee shop. they were all staring up towards us angrily. amazingly, the bottle didn't give anybody a concussion but did land dangerously close to a sickly old dude in a wheelchair, of all people. literally, beside his wheelchair. decided i'd man up, go downstairs to pick up my water bottle and steeled myself for the verbal lashing of a lifetime. went down, picked up the bottle, looked at them and mustered up the courage to say what best apology i could think of at the moment, "uhhh. sorry about that." nobody was hurt, but it did give them a mini heart attack. (i mean, they're old) also, they got kinda wet. (but not that kind of wet, i hope) and they didn't take my apology too well either. needless to say, i got a good scolding from those senior citizens. i feel like a total dope but at least i didn't kill anyone. surprisingly held up pretty well but i need a new water bottle now. http://i.imgur.com/auwngbm.jpg

dropped water bottle on table full of old people and almost hit an old dude in a wheelchair.

accidentally dropping a bottle from the third floor onto a table of senior citizens

okay, so it's not a major fuck up, but it's something. today was the last day of class so all my friends and i went out drinking. i ended up walking home with the guy i have a crush on and the girl he was about to sleep with so i was in a bad mood on top of the fact i didn't eat today. so when i got to my actual house i decided to make a breakfast sandwich and some pancakes (not eating isn't healthy, kids). so i made myself my sandwich and cakes... the issue was that i was still drunk... oops. so... normally when i make food i enjoy spice, i put hot sauce on a lot of things. drunk me decided it was a great idea to put a lot of hot sauce on my breakfast sandwich. by the time i made it to said sandwich i had forgotten due to the alcohol and took a giant bite of this stupid sandwich expecting bacon bliss and getting a nice hot sauce burn, to the point i just sat with my mouth open for over a minute. and now i'm laying in bed with the "too spicy" feeling typing this up until the feeling goes away and i can go to bed,

the risk of cooking drunk isn't burning the house down, it's burning your mouth.

cooking drunk

well it was a really boring day, so i decided i will have some fun with fire and electricity (i know, that's a wise idea) my mother is away for a couple of days, and my grandma is with me. it was around 11 pm, i started doing some flame throwers with my deodorant. and all of a sudden, i got a brilliant idea. why not just try to connect a light bulb to power? disclaimer : i'm not very clever, and i don't know anything about electricity. i've had some spare cables in my room, so i grabbed one of my psu cables, cut the output away, got rid of the isolation, and viola! i took the light bulb, and decided to record it with my phone, as i thought the light bulb was going to explode or something like that. i wanted to have something that would cover my hand, and the only thing i had nearby was a plastic glove. good thing i used it. so i started the recording, plugged the cable in, and connected the end of it to the light bulb. as you probably may have already predicted, the cable sparkled, and the electricity went out. my grandma got scared. well i got scared shitless as well. i dropped the cable instantly, and took my phone away from it, because i was scared it might get damaged. the glove got all black, with a little marks of melting on it. well i'm glad i didn't do it bare handed, as i might've gotten a hand burn, or get electrified (probably to my death) the video : https://youtu.be/nwbqq6tbsrc

i connected a lightbulb to a 230v output using a psu cable, because i thought the lightbulb would explode, and the power went out after i tried it, probably almost killing me.

connecting a lightbulb directly to a 230v output (with video)

this tifu happened a year and a half ago. i was living in arizona when i got a job offer in new york. i took the job, flew out to get started. my wife stayed home to get the house packed. a few weeks later i flew back to arizona to bring the spouse and house out east with me. it was a pretty crazy weekend. i pulled the moving truck and tow dolly into the backyard through the rv gate so we could load it, this made everything much easier. monday we finished getting the last few things packed and were getting ready to pull away from the house. the house was empty, i hooked up the tow dolly and started to make my way to the front of the house. now i live off of a busy street. the penske truck probably cleared the opening in my gate by an inch or two on each side. it was real close. but i successfully navigated the truck through the opening, and i waited somewhat patiently for traffic to clear. when there was an opening, i jumped out. what i did not pay enough attention to was that pesky tow dolly i had behind me. i clipped the gate on the right, it jumped over somehow and hit the left gate, then proceeded to pull over a 15' section of block wall. i was supposed to be in new york in a few days and i obviously didn't have time to fix things before i left. i got a friend to come over and help me move what i could into my backyard (broken block, bending the pieces with the rebar over so it wouldn't gore people walking down the sidewalk). he told me he would get a few quotes done on it and let me know. he didn't, but i was out of state so it wasn't at the front of my mind. our renters didn't care (it was a weird situation, they were family of a friend and he was paying their rent...that's a whole different tifu). i ended up asking for a few quotes, and ended up sending one over to my home owner's insurance. now months go by and i have heard nothing back, i find out that my rep with this insurance company had quit and somehow no one took my case over. i finally got the check. for about 30% of what the quote was. they take the deductible out which i expected, but they also adjust for depreciation (things you learn as a first time home owner). this left me with nowhere near enough to repair the wall. in the mean time, a guy in my neighborhood that is pushing for an hoa keeps calling the city and complaining about my wall that has not been repaired. the city keeps sending me notices, i keep calling them back and leaving messages that are never returned. all of this amounts to well over a thousand dollars in fines. end of story, i youtubed how to build a block wall, flew home for a weekend and rebuilt it. still paying off the fine with the city. the great thing about this is, i wanted to do a time lapse of the moving truck filling up. i had set the gopro up and had it running the whole time, so fortunately i was able to record the destruction and relive that memory as often as i want. and so for your viewing pleasure...

i used a moving truck to tear down a block wall. [watch it here.](http://imgur.com/loejlg6)

using my penske truck to knock down my block wall

this happened a few years ago when i worked at an italian icecream store. i had been working for a few hours and got sent on a break. seeing as it was around 5 pm and i still was going to work some hours in the evening, i went to a fastfood restaurant across the street to get me some fries and a burger. when i got there, the place was packed. i ordered my food and tried to get back from the counter a bit to make way for other people while i wait. behind me was an elderly man, he must have been in his eighties... i accidentally stepped on his slipper. i don't even think i touched his foot, just the side of the sole. he panicked. as it turned out, he wasn't quite stable on his feet, and my stepping on the slipper made him think he might fall over. "oohh.. i'm falling!" he was still standing up fine when he muttered those words... then, as in slow motion, he actually fell backwards, and the poor guy hit his head on the floor. i immediately got on my knees and held his frail, balding head.. the girl from behind the counter got a towel to put under his head and when i took my hand away, it was covered in blood. i felt horrible. an ambulance was called and they took him with them just to check that he was gonna be ok. i don't think i even ate my food after that. i went back to the icecream shop, where the owner saw my face and asked what was wrong.. had a good cry right there and then. the old man recovered fine. did see him at the bus stop a few days later with a very bruised back of his head and bandages on it.

injured an old man by stepping on his slipper, which made him fall over and he was taken by an ambulance.

stepping on his foot.

##obligatories: this didn't today but it's still in progress as of right now. this is not my actual account even though i'm a loser and nobody would know me from my main account. ##story: about a month ago i was watching a youtube video and in the comments, somebody was advertising a gtx 980ti for 200$. so being the savvy shopper i am i go and swoop this deal. i ask the general questions like how long has he had it and has it been overclocked. i asked for some pictures and everything seemed legit so far. **fu #1**: proceeded with the transaction after he said that his paypal was blocked because of a chargeback. so after he told me that, he said that i could pay him in steam gift cards or keys or whatever and i said sure that's fine but i'm only gonna pay a quarter up front. the next quarter would be sent after i received the tracking information and the last half would be received once i've received, tested, and validated the card. he said fine that will do. **fu #2**: continuing the transaction after he sends me a [form](http://imgur.com/a/pfnvz) with his "address" and my address he says he didn't get tracking numbers but he sends me the form linked above and that's when i start to get suspicious but i still proceed. (note: today 2/27 is when i realized that the address given was in hollywood and thus what prompted this tifu post) **fu #3**: sending him more money in order to have him "unlock" my transaction. after a few days of not hearing from him since that incident, i messaged him asking if he had any info on when it was going to arrive. he said that he put it on hold until i could reassure him that i wasn't gonna bail on him after i received the card. ironic huh. after about a week of back and forth, i end up sending him 40 more bucks with the promise that i would be here the next day. surprize, surprize; it didn't show. and it hasn't shown for two weeks now. after frantically emailing him seeing if he had any info i decide to lie and say that i received it and guess what? he responds saying great is ready for the next set of payment. that's when i knew that i royally fucked up. so today i tell him that i already sent him the rest of the payment to see if i could bait him and continue to get responses from him. so far this has been correct, i just don't know where to go from here. so if you have any advice that would be fantastic. ** **edit 1**: edited picture to remove name. not sure if its his actual name or not but better to be safe than sorry. **edit 2**: formating to make it more readable.

**; i thought i could get a 650$ graphics card used on youtube in the comment section and proceeded to ignore all red flags telling me that this is a scam throughout the transaction.

ignoring all internet saftey rules

technically, it was yesterday that i messed it up, but it still bugs me today. my wedding anniversary lands on a weekday this year, so i thought that i'd make it a nice weekend for my husband by making a nice homemade breakfast. i bought the necessary ingredients to make buttermilk biscuits during my shopping trip earlier in the week. we live out in the country, so grocery stores aren't real close by and convenient to run off to if you forgot anything. so, i'm following a tutorial video step-by-step and still, i miss the fact that i should be using self-rising flour. i only purchased a small pint of buttermilk, since it's nasty stuff to drink on it's own and i only ever would use it for making the biscuits. i start off with the flour, then grate in a 1/2 cup of frozen butter, make a little well for the buttermilk, and mix it all up. floured my surface down, rolled out the dough, folded it over onto itself a few times, and then cut out some nice sized biscuits. still....i hadn't realized i was missing the key ingredient for fluffy biscuits. i get my oven pre-heated and i'm excited for the end results that is sure to impress my husband of 17 years! then it hits me. the hamsters in charge of powering my brain suddenly kick in and i have an actual intelligent thought strike me down. "wait.....did i buy self-rising flour?" i run to check the package.....nope! i thought maybe i'd be able to start over from scratch and just add in the missing salt and baking powder, but i didn't have enough buttermilk to make up a second batch. i couldn't mix in the salt and baking powder into the existing dough because i'd already worked up the dough and it wouldn't mix in right. i knew that if i had baked those biscuits, they'd come out like hockey pucks. so...into the trash they went, and out came the pillsbury insta-dough poppin' fresh can. i still made a decent breakfast, but i was definitely annoyed at myself for buying the wrong flour (or at least not noticing that the flour i had was not self-rising and adding in the missing ingredients i'd need). at least he's used to my cooking by now. lol!! the man deserves an award for sticking with me this long and eating my cooking!!

i didn't buy self-rising flour and tried to bake hockey pucks for breakfast. in the end, i ruined the recipe, ran out of enough ingredients to make it over again, and had to resort to pillsbury pre-made biscuit dough from the can.

buying the wrong flour

this happened when we were in our school bus going back to home. so we were just doing some crazy thingies because it's like a 90 minutes ride back to home and pretty boring. sowhie he was using his mobile i asked him to lend me his ring. he gave it to me and i wore it and it got atuck pretty bad on my finger. we then tried to take it off my finger by pulling it out as we didn't have anything else. so after trying i held my finger straight and told him to pull it out with any amount of force as long as it comes off my finger. now the good thing bad thing part. good thing: the ring was taken off. bad thing: i broke my bone in the process where the joint is and it was a pretty bad fracture.

i got my bone broken by wearing a friend's ring.

wearing a friend's ring

this didnt happen today, rather a few days ago. throwaway account because i dont want her mother finding this. on to the story, its a doozy. the other day, my girlfriend was in need of emotional support, and two days prior to her asking for this, her mother had banned me from seeing her except at school("because all teenage boys are horny scum", her saying this after 5 months of dating, but i digress) so obviously im not allowed over. cue fuck up number 1. after her mother left the house, i formulated a plan to walk over and console her with hugs and kisses for a bit before i left. little did i know her mother had neighbors watching out for me, and after i left, her mother told her we were found out. obviously this was upsetting, so i typed up an explanation as to why i did what i did. i was persistent, and sent a few more messages saying i will always support her and i wont give up. this was fuck up number 2. her mother took this as threatening, and told my father that if i continued to "harass" her, she would call the police and have a restraining order placed on me. so now i am no longer allowed to see my girlfriend, except at school. the funny part about this is, however dark it may be, her mother threatened me after i "threatened" her. maybe not funny, just ironic and hypocritical. i may update as things progress.

got banned from my girlfriends's house after trying to support her behind her mom's back, made it worse by "threatening" her mom, no longer allowed to see my girlfriend except at school

supporting my girlfriend in a time of need

my ass injury story. at the end of this story, i hope to all my fellow ballers out there, watch out for the pole... why you may ask? well a while back, i was playing basketball at a local court. as this guy went for a classic right hand layup, i naturally went to attempt a block. as if in slow motion, we collided in the air and with me being a mere 160cm (5 feet 2 inches), i flew backwards and what awaited me at the landing was the most bizarre and worse injury i have ever experienced. though before we get into that. let's first describe the setting of this basketball court. there are these metal poles which supports the basketball hoops, just as most basketball hoops are like, but what makes me question the design of this pole was this protruding metal piece that was about knee high. this is a picture. http://imgur.com/a/lckaq at this point you would've guessed that that was the fatal cause of what i am about to receive. i landed right on it... ass first on this protruding metal branch and from the cushioning of my fat i bounced right off. on the floor, i experiencing a split seconds of sharp pain, but without thinking twice i got back up and continued to play. bare in mind at this point, i had no idea how sever my injury was and as the game continued, i felt some slight pain through my left thigh area, though believing it was from leg day a day before at the gym. if anyone watches jknews/party/films, i was thinking of what bart said when he fractured his ankle and said to myself stop being a little bitch, it’s just a bruise. as adrenalin keep me going for another 20 mins the game eventually came to an end. as i cooled down i subconsciously felt my ass, then and there i saw some blood printed on my hand. of all days i decided not to drive, today was the day. i walked myself home, thinking i must have gotten a minor cut, but i did not find my pants ripped. little did i know what awaits for me when i get my hands on a mirror. when i finially reached home, i went straight to the bathroom to shower. as i was removing my clothing, i noticed something that looked like egg pudding where the injury should have been along with the blood staining my pants. turning to the mirror for a better look, i realised it was the fat from my ass cheek. yes, the pole had penetrated my ass cheek! even a big cut was an understatement for what i was looking at. i had a giant, bleeding, fat missing hole on my ass. my parents then took me to doctors to receive 7 stitches. i must add in that this injury couldn’t have come at a worser time either, as i had exams a week later. imagine trying to study for the rest of the week while you can't even sit properly. my luck when it comes to injury is about as good as davidso, if you know him, he's a youtuber xd for those whose curiosity got the better of them, gory images, you have been warned. warning gory. nsfw. picture of injury, http://imgur.com/a/vrvgu http://imgur.com/a/34eka . the fat that got stuck on my undies, http://imgur.com/a/xq5e6 this was my girlfriend’s reaction to my ass injury. http://imgur.com/a/n1snt also it would be awesome if this made it to jknews :d

fell ass first on a metal piece sticking out of a metal pole playing basketball and got badly injured.

my ass....

**welcome to the common fuck-ups megathread.** you [suggested it](https://redd.it/4ifanz), and [we listened](https://redd.it/4ir8p4).   you may be wondering what a "common fuck-up" is. normally they are topics that are non-noteworthy or unoriginal, the minor things we fuck up. you can view them in our [[wiki]](/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups). while we are being lax on this rule within this thread, we want to remind everyone that every other rule still applies, which can be found on our sidebar or [[wiki/rules]](/r/tifu/w/rules) page. *we will be having 2 megathreads a week:* 1. monday-friday for normal common fuck-ups 2. friday-sunday for nfsw (rule 4) common fuck-ups --- wiki pages: / [*detailed rules page*](/r/tifu/wiki/rules) / [*sidebar link*](/r/tifu/about/sidebar) / [*list of common fuck-ups*](/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups) / [*flair/nfsw filters*](/r/tifu/wiki/flairs) / [*rules(report reasons)*](/r/tifu/about/rules) / [*fuotw archive*](/r/tifu/wiki/index) / [*other subs*](/r/tifu/wiki/subs) /

common fuck-ups megathread - february 26, 2017

this fu happened today only, but the tale starts about two years from now about two years ago i had a pair of samsung headphones. i was listening to some music on my laptop, and we (my family) were about to leave for my hometown. as i was listening, i suddenly jerked my head sideways to check something, and the laptop suddenly slid out of my lap onto the floor. i know laptops are sturdy and nothing should have happened to it, and it didn't. but my headphone jack plug was bent out of shape, and it didn't work. at all. my parents scolded me for my incompetence and told me i did not deserve a new pair just like that. i mad it through a whole year without headphones, when last november my parents gifted me a new pair (of sony) on my birthday. i knew i couldn't fuck this one up, or i will be out of headphones for at least another year. all well and good. cue the fu. tomorrow we are leaving for my hometown.15 minutes ago i was listening to some music on my laptop. sound familiar? my laptop ran out of juice, and i bent sideways to plug in my laptop charger... i stared in horror as the laptop flipped over, and the suddenly the sound in my headphones went off. i checked the headphone jack plug, it was still connected to the laptop, but the headphones were torn off from the jack, so now my headphones and the headphone jack plug were separate entities, with the plug still in the laptop. fuck. fuuuck. i grabbed a nail cutter and pried off the plug from the laptop with it. but the plug is permanently severed from the headphones, and nothing i have tried makes it fit back into the headphones. now i can't face my parents with the same mistake the second time, and i will probably go without headphones forever. so take the lesson, kids. headphone jacks are evil. i think i may move to apple now.

2 years ago i broke my headphones and got another pair with difficulty. 15 min ago i broke my new pair the same way, and will probably go without headphones for my life. and use apple. i f'ing hate apple.

breaking my headphones. again.

i'm volunteering as a teacher's aide in a preschool while going to college. i started helping out about three weeks ago, and this incident happened last wednesday. early that morning a parent mentioned that there were personal issues going on in their home and that the child's father is not allowed to pick up the student. an hour later the teacher and i had walked our children down to the indoor recess area. the general chaos of playtime was underway when an alarm went off. i had worked in the building at an unrelated job for the past six months. i was present for at least three fire drills, and none of them sounded like this shrill sound blaring throughout the building. i looked at the teacher, who was ushering the child with issues at home into a bathroom. i thought she was hiding the student. then i looked out into the hallway. a strange man was walking in our direction. i assumed that it was an intruder alarm, and pushed the door shut. i braced my body against the door and mentally prepared myself to fight off this potential threat to my students. the teacher comes out of the bathroom and gives me a weird look, then tells the children to line up for the fire drill. we got the kids out of the building, but there were about twenty seconds added to the evacuation because of my confusion. the man in the hallway had just installed the new fire alarm system. the teacher had just been helping the student reach paper towels in the bathroom.

i blocked a door in a school during a fire alarm because i thought my students were in danger.

thinking a fire alarm meant there was an intruder in the school.

not actually today, but friday night/yesterday morning. background is necessary. when we were kids my sister would sleepwalk or sit on her bed, talk to you in some godforsaken language if you were awake and then fall asleep again. we shared a bedroom with my brother, and i would wake up when she did that. anyway, i don't live with my siblings anymore. now to the story: i didn't have to work on friday, so i was home, unshowered, binge-watching something on netflix and i get a text from my sister. she works at an it company and she was on call and she was told she needed to be online at 8 pm and asked me if she could come over. her workplace is closer to my place than it is to hers, so i said "yeah, sure". anyway, she came over and stayed the night. the housekeeper was supposed to come yesterday, so, to avoid anything awkward, she slept on the floor of my bedroom on an inflatable bed i had from a few years back when i first lived on my own. we go to sleep at midnight. flashforward to somewhere between 3-4 am, i wake up because i hear a noise, like something's moving. i'm scared and half-asleep. i open my eyes, check around without looking at the floor (ffs) and don't see anything. i then see a dark silhouette rising from the floor and out of fear and holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-that-ness i punched it. it was my sister and apparently i had entirely forgotten she'd stayed. she wakes up really angry and watery-eyed, followed by me explaining that she'd scared the living shit out of me. made her a good breakfast and kept apologising for my stupidity.

my sister who sits on the bed in her sleep came over because she needed to be online asap due to her job, stayed the night, i forgot she'd stayed, she sits on her bed whilst asleep, i punch her out of fear and lack of light.

punching my sister out of her sleep.

tifu by getting involved with a drunk married couple showing their ass in the street. i've been living in central china for nearly two decades. i used to drink a lot and am often proud of controlling myself for the past ten years or so. i rarely drink hard liquor. got home late after teaching classes to an empty home. the wife and kids are in the next town over. i watched a few parts of a few movies i've seen too many times and was over-caffeinated and feeling talkative. a guy who i consider an old friend watches his store from about 5pm to 4am. i go. he had a new product, 42% booze with ginseng in the bottle. good times, and i was in high spirits. now this store is in the backstreets, an area known for prostitutes and apparently drugs. it's also just a place for cheap housing, and your average ktv girl or bartender is often coming home late, so there are many stalls/carts in the street making whatever food. i haven't frequented this shithole in the late hours in years. anyways, a couple arguing, about money from what i understood, she gets in a cab, he flips out, she gets out, he lays into her, punching the shit out of her. i run up grab him by the shoulder, he starts shouting at me, and me calm as fuck telling him to hit me, rather than her. he talks some shit and head-butts me in my already big nose. my nose, who when chinese people ask where i'm from they never believe me i'm from the usa with a nose that 'high' or big. it's bleeding profusely, which i thought was only from the inside. hits are nothing new for me. i smile and ask him if he feels better and if we're done here. he's drunk as shit, much more than i am. after some more shit talk he shakes my hand, i pat him on the back and he walks away. the wife, looking like a prostitute with the long fake nails, heels, sparkly shit, skimpy outfit, etc. is sitting at a table of a guy who makes noodles. my friend comes out to tell me i shouldn't get involved, i say it's not a big deal, and i sit down at an adjacent table smoking a cigarette, something i only do after a few drinks. she goes on about how this is a daily thing, crying, and i just kind of stare at the ground, wondering what happened to the can of fish i bought earlier. a white suv comes up and stops less than a foot from my back, i didn't flinch, and knew the dumb cunt was back. he starts screaming at her, what are you talking to the foreigner about, and i knew right then i had fucked up. "foreigners are our enemies!". first time i heard this phrase in seriousness. i walk inside the store and look at my friend who's looking at me and shaking his head. the girl ends up running away with a friend who showed up, and the guy drives off. i wake up this morning and look in the mirror at a gash across my nose. it's my day off and i plan to play basketball, and plan to tell my wife i had a collision on the court. reddit, normally i only use you to blow off steam and make dumb comments. today, i'd...... just thanks for listening. i am a dumb shit, and even though i don't regret ending a beating... well, i'm still a dumbshit. thanks.

and learned, again, not to drink the hard shit.

sticking my big nose where it didn't belong

so this was not today but friday, i was going to the store with the kids i babysit to get a few things. normal business, we get out to go in and get what we needed. we come back out and of course, they want to ride the kiddy merry-go-round thing in front of the store. i said why not, so i set the items i bought down on the grill of the jeep and then place my phone on the hood. the ride ends and i get the kids off and into the car to bring them back home. i also had to be to my other job that morning, i was in a bit of rush. i get back to the house and i realized i do not have my phone. one other weird thing that confused me was when i got back to my house the groceries i bought were still on the grill of my jeep. i noticed that when i got out of the car with the kids. i also could not find my phone. so like all other times i thought i misplaced my phone i check my purse, the backseat, next to the seat and all over the car. it's not there. so now i'm in a panic, where did i lose it? so i get the kids out and back in the house and rush back to the store and ask the clerk if maybe i left it on the counter? he said no, no-one has turned anything in but will keep an eye out for it. i looked all over the parking lot thinking i dropped it, or maybe someone had picked it up. it's now getting later in the morning and i must get to my other job. i had no choice but to go to work and worry about it later or hope it turns up. so all day i'm wondering what could have happened to it, i searched my car again and again. i called it and no answer. it was an i phone 5c (bright green). so, me not using the resources it came with like find my i phone i was out of luck. i somehow turned that off or had not of set it up properly, so that was useless. i called and had it suspended temporarily and reported it stolen/lost. the day at work was long and a bit stressful because of my morning. the reason i thought someone stole it was that it kept calling my parents cell phones and not responding. i thought some punk was playing games or something. but my day went on slowly feeling a little lost and worried about it. so, i get home from work and i am still down from losing my phone and thinking someone stole it. my boyfriend says i have some good news and some bad news. right away my eyes light up and i say you found my phone? he says yes i did but you do not even know the bad news. it's toast.. like gone no return. i was just too excited it was found i did not really care for a second that i would have to buy a new one. he explained to me that it had been in a puddle in the road getting run over by cars all day. that because of the puddle he could not have seen it till after the puddle was lower, later in the day. the only logical reason my parents had been getting calls had to have been because of it getting run over repeatedly. finally, i came to the realization that i need to be more careful and mindful of what i am doing and where i am placing things. even when in a rush it only takes a second to slow down and think of what you're doing. result: http://imgur.com/a5qyhx1 http://imgur.com/2tg3se4

i learned that you can't place your phone on the hood of the car and expect it to stay there while driving home. results in spending $700 on a new iphone.

placing my phone on the hood of my jeep and driving away.

it was early one spring morning about two years ago and i see a deer and her two babies were laying in my yard when i go out to smoke a cigarette on my front porch. i have a great idea while i’m smoking and looking at them lay there about 12 feet from me, so i turn around, pull my pants down, grunt slightly, and squeak out a tiny fart thinking i’m hilarious. two of the deer run away, but one fawn stays laying down, i can’t see very well and don’t have my glasses on but don’t think anything of it. i come back out to smoke again an hour later, and the fawn is still sitting in the same spot, and mother and her other fawn are wandering around my yard. i still don’t have my glasses on so i figure the fawn is sick or something and go back inside. one again i come back to smoke, and the fawn is in the same spot, and the two other deer are now grazing across the street. i go an tell my mother that there’s a sick deer in the front yard and we go to look at it. at this point i see that the fawn’s head is cocked back at about a 70 degree angle with a look of terror in her eyes, and she is frozen in place. i figure it might be dead so i get a broomstick and try to poke the fawn to check, and of course, i poke it and it doesn’t move. i ask my mother what we should do and she says she will call animal control to see if they will come pick it up. the answer is no, animal control will only come pick up live animals. then she calls the department of transportation to see if they will pick it up, and they say no, they only pick up dead animals off the street. at this point, my mother asks us what the fuck we should do with this dead deer in our yard, and the dot says that we are supposed to bury it on our property. of course that’s not happening, so my mother tells me to put some gloves on and carry this “sick” deer to the street so the dot will come pick it up. so i put some yellow gloves on, come pick up this baby deer that weighs probably 30 pounds, and carry it’s stiff body to the street, hearing the liquid contents of it’s stomach slosh around while i do it. it’s not decayed at all so it’s not that gross, but it’s a very sad scene. i put the deer in the street, and now anybody that is talking a walk around my neighborhood and happens to venture up my street is now greeted by this dead fawn frozen in place with the head cocked back at 70 degrees with a look of terror in her eyes. the deer sits there for a few hours and the dot comes to pick it up in the afternoon, because now there’s a dead animal in the road. rest in peace, baby deer.

a deer and two fawns were in my yard so i pulled down my pants, mooned them and farted and thus caused a baby deer to have a heart attack so i had to resolve the issue of having a dead baby deer in my front yard because neither animal control nor the dot would pick up the deer.

giving a baby deer a heart attack

this delicious event happened after a great night of heavy drinking. everyone was passed out but i was still starving and bacon is amazing. so i opened a fresh pack and starting frying away. with the pan i have, you can only have four slices on at a time so i'd be eating 4 while cooking 4 others. so i ending up just eating the entire pack. then came the time to dispose of the grease. i always heard that you shouldn't put grease down the garbage disposal so i got out a mug to pour the grease in. i got over the sink and started pouring. something to note here is that i didn't dispose of any grease while i was cooking so i bet you can imagine how much grease was in that pan after cooking a full pack of bacon. so i started pouring and it was taking forever. my drunkenness got the better of me and i tilted to pan a little too much and pour grease all over my thumb. i immediately yelled fuck and dropped everything into the sink, grease flying everywhere. i turned the faucet on which led to some sweet relief but as soon as i took my thumb out of the stream of water, i thought i was dieing. after about 10 minutes of this, i decided to take a few more shots and try to pass out. once i got to my bed, the pain was still just unbearable. there was no way i would be able to fall asleep. so i tried to come up with solutions. chop it off? no. suck on my thumb all night? possibly but grease burns taste wierd. so i decided to sleep in the hallway with my thumb in a cup of water. this miraculously worked wrll and that is how i found out how to sleep with a grease burned thumb. the next day, i woke up with my thumb looking like a balloon as it blistered up to double it's size. this was kinda cool since it felt like an air bag and didn't hurt too much.

ate a full pack of bacon and then poured bacon grease all over my thumb.

eating a full pack of bacon

flights are scary as fuck so i take 3x the recommended dose of ativan to calm the fuck down. i works really well but it always makes me forget or neglect the fact that mixing it with alcohol can be extremely dangerous. mixing the two multiplies drunkeness by a crazy amount, it can lead to alcohol poisoning, blind rage, and even death. i get to the all inclusive hotel and immediately start pounding drinks, i'm here to party boys. black the fuck out within an hour. wake up the next morning in my hotel room bed covered in sweat but in one piece, pretty successful ending to an ativan drunk. but i unfortunately learned from my friend that i didn't just pass out and slip into my comfy bed like a baby bear. my body was a car and the ativan had taken the wheel. in my blacked out state apparently i tried to fight a 55 year old man and my best friends. ativan rage, check. my friends left to go back to the room and fall asleep, not me, ativan's here to party boys. at about 3am my friend thinks he hears something outside the door. it's my body, passed out on the ground. the ativan did who knows what while they were gone then dropped my passed out body on the door step and fucked off. i was carried to my bed where i laid on my back and pissed all over my body (it wasn't sweat).

mixed a shit ton of ativan with alcohol, blacked the fuck out, ativan took over, tried to fight people, body was lifeless outside the hotel room, ended with golden showers on myself.

mixing drugs with alcohol in mexico.

so this happened about 15 mins ago (now, when i say 15 mins ago i mean on wednesday since we can't post sexual things until the weekend). fiance and i had a couple bottles of wine and things started heating up. the idea of rim-lathing came up and i went to clean up the backdoor region. things started going great. we were really getting into things and i wanted the bum gummin' to go further. so we decided to get a little thumb action going. down the rabbit hole she goes. at this point i should point out a few hours earlier i was making chili. she was cutting up the peppers for me and i like jalapenos in it. well apparently she never washed her hands afterwords. this minute detail was over looked in the heat of the moment (see what i'm doing here). well the first few seconds were ok. then it all started feeling a tit bit warm down there. then it was getting hot. and then the burning. well that shit burns pretty bad. so after scrubbing my derriere with a wash cloth for a while it kind of worked. thank god for eating chili before hand because all the southern winds have been helping to cool things off.

fiance put her thumb in my ass after cutting up jalapenos. things got pretty heated after that.

getting a hot butt

sorry to disappoint but this happened during 6th grade and i was a little shit. i had the attention span of a gnat, and this was when teachers still used the lightbulb overhead projectors that were painful to learn from. it was 30 minutes into a lecture by my english teacher, and i was already getting drowzy sitting all the way in the back of the room in the dark, with my legs crossed on the floor. i'm not sure how, but i managed to find a small grouping of staples on the floor, the ones that are still stuck together to be directly fed into a stapler. as my wild imagination began to unfold, i figured: "wow! maybe i could somehow bend this into a figure-- like one half can be a table... and this half is a chair!" the exact thought process. here was the problem: there was no immediate way i could bend the second half of my staples to resemble a chair, and i was adamant in making my miniature lawn set. i really don't know where i was going with this part, but i found a pair of those really old cast iron teacher scissors (the ones about as long as an adults forearm), and began manuvering the blades to halve the four staples width-wise between my fingers. -snip- in the silent classroom, i nearly shit myself because it was so loud and i may have interrupted the lecture. no one turned around, i breathe a sigh of relief, cool. let's continue our project. uh-oh, i lost the other half of the staples i cut... then my eyes focused better in the dark-- there was a "u" shaped cut on my left fingertip, even a bit of the nail was gone. there wasn't blood, right away, but of course i had to squeeze the finger to make sure it didn't bleed, but it did, it bled all over the place and i had splatter marks on the linoleum floor at this point. i grabbed some tissue and wrapped it around my finger and waited until the end of class. 45 minutes later. i waited as my classmates began clearing out of the room. my best friend asked me why i had a tissue around my finger and i didn't say anything. i approached the teacher, she was younger and a new teacher with maybe 2 years total of teaching experience. i asked her, like an idiot: "what should i do about this?" and lifted the bunched tissue and the blood started streaming down again and some dripped on her foot. she and my best friend fucking lost it and she had no idea what to do, since now another class was coming in. she ran me to the nurse's office who wasn't quite sure what to do about it either. they ended up coating it in vaseline and wrapping a shitton of band-aids around it and sending me home. strangely enough, it didn't hurt, but it was gruesome has hell. thankfully, the tip of my finger did grow back, but it took 6 months of having a plateau shaped fingertip.

i cut my finger due to my terrible childhood imagination, managed to score an early dismissal, and my finger did grow back.

cutting off a piece of my finger with scissors

this happened today. last night i used google maps' satellite view to plot a bike route to work. there's this field not far from my house that has a small driveway leading up to it. this field also connects to the parking lot of one of the business's close to my work. this route would allow me to bypass 2 main roads and shorten the distance to work by almost half. the satellite view showed a nice trail running along the edge of the field that spilled out into a nice paved parking lot. it looked like an easy ride. it wasn't. i left the house at my usual time, all the while thinking i'd have plenty of time to change and eat breakfast before my shift started. so i get to the field and at first everything is fine, a little too leafy for my liking but whatever, it'll be worth it. i carefully made my way through the overgrown brush and thorny ass plants. i should note that i don't see that well i wasn't looking too closely at the clearing up ahead. as i start to near the entrance to the parking lot, i look up. damnit! a fence! not just a fence, a tall, barbed wire fence! i look for a way around but i'm sol. i swiped my hand over my phone to check the time. i had 17 minutes to get work, change, clock in and be ready to rock n' roll (i do not actually rock n' roll for a living). the trip from my house to work takes about 12 minutes. i couldn't afford to be as careful on the way back through the field. i rode as fast as i could without wiping out. during the mad dash to the road, i managed to completely soak my shoes and socks. i also got several scratches on my already poison oak covered legs. i made it to work with 4 minutes to spare. i clocked in and quickly changed. i keep some spare shoes in my desk drawer so i slipped those on. i had to take my socks and hang them on my bicycle and leave my shoes out by it to dry. they finally (mostly) dried out by lunch time. my feet were cold all morning.

took a different route to work with no prep, ended up with soaked feet, scratched up legs and no breakfast.

taking a different route to work.

a long time ago in a shopping mall far, far away... it was the mid 80's and my brother was an assistant manager of the chuck e cheese's in our local mall. i would go up there close to closing time on saturday nights. my brother would give me a bucket of tokens to keep me occupied, and after closing, it'd turn into a party. we'd drink beer, blast the music or, put snl up on the projection tv. we'd clean and party until 1 am or so. one saturday night i end up arriving way early for some stupid reason. this place usually did a good business but, the place was really packed this night. my brother sees me, grabs me, and says "we're short handed and you need to be chuck e". he helps me into the costume, leads me onto the floor, and just leaves me there. so there i am. 14 yo, 5'2 jutnob, standing in a fucking rat suit that i can barely see out of. i'm not sure where i am on the floor. i damn sure couldn't see well enough to walk around. i just stuck out there, getting molested by unseen hands and, ninja hugs. i'm doing the "smile and wave, boys" routine but after a while, it started to feel like that scene in silence of the lambs when jodie foster is in that blacked out house. i'm dying in this fucking suit. i have no idea how long i've been out on the floor but, it felt like hours. the place is crowded, the suit hot and i'm sweating my ass off in it. i can't see well enough to the kitchen so, i'm just stuck out there. then, i hear an excited kid scream chuckieee!!!! and the next thing i know, this little girl runs head long into my stomach. i double over a bit from the unexpected blow and when i do, all the sweat that had accumulated in chuck e's head, comes pouring out his mouth and on to that little girl. now, when i say poured, i do mean poured! i could actually hear my sweat leaving the costume. this little girl starts crying, and screaming, **"chuck e. threw up on me!!"** next thing i know, i'm surrounded by some moms and man, are they pissed! there was a little pushing and a lot of yelling. i'm standing there, petrified. i'm expecting an ass whipping any second. someone grabs me and starts pulling me away. it was my brother, thankfully. he gets me off the floor and the cashier helps me out of the suit. my brother gave away sooooo much shit to make those moms happy. he later apologized to me because he honestly forgot about me being out there for 45 minutes in that fucking suit.

my brother put me to work as chuck e. cheese and, my head sweat poured out of chuck e's mouth, and drenched a little girl.

dressing up as chuck e. cheese

i wasn't sure what the right word was, but yeah, i almost injured a blind person. i just want to put this before hand, in this most nicest way, i'm sorry i take things for granted, now i understand how tough you guys are. so i saw a blind man at my school. we have lots of stairs. lots. you'll get a sense just how many in the story. he was bumping around and i thought it was odd because most people have assistance at school. if they didn't, they seemed able to handle themselves (i'm not sure why) so the first thing i said was 'do you need help?' he said yes, so i helped him; i let him take my arm. this was my first fuck up. it's not that i have anything against anyone, but i'm seeing a counselor about my aversion to being touched. (yeah, i got issues) but i thought, "well, i already offered, to late to back out." this was my first problem in guiding the man. right now, thinking back, i would subconsciously move away from him which just was one of the reason why he probably walked funny because i was half dragging him in a way. when i offered my arm to him he stowed his stick. i guess he trusted me enough to not use it? he shouldn't have. because right after that, we hit stairs going up and i fucked up. i forgot to tell him there was stairs. he tripped. but he said 'that's okay'. when we reached the top we talked. during the whole time i was trying hard not to fuck up again, so then i started looking out for stairs and telling him when there was stairs. i also tried mentioning, 'now we go right/left'. so while i was concentrating on the path, he was chatting with me. he had an accent so unfortunately my poor concentration got thrown off and then i started saying nonsense, such as asking if he was a student at school despite him just moments ago saying he was taking class x 101. as i eased into the conversation i forgot to mention stairs again, this time going down. i fucked up twice. the stair case had a flat bit for a bit and then went down again. too late, i forgot to mention that. anyways, by the third stumble his stick came out and i guess he didn't trust me anymore, which was understandable. but, gladly, that was the last set of stairs and i left him at his destination. and that was that. side note: i'm sorry if this 'tifu' made me sound like a jackass, i suppose i might have been, but you know what, this was an eye opener, (no pun intended) and now i realize the stuff i take for granted. so, in the nicest way possible, damn, how you keep up with concentrating on walking, accents someone else etc... is wonderful. koodos.

i don't know how to guide a blind person properly and he tripped at least three times.

almost injuring a blind person

so this happened yesterday and now i'm grounded so yeah. was playing ball with my good friend at the park when i noticed the ball had a little less bounce and then needed in order to dunk like jordan... we'd need to pump this bad boy up. problem number one: i had no pump. after a quick youtube search we decide the putting the basketball in my microwave will be a quick fix that'll get us our ball back and i'll put on the hops. i'm not stupid of course so i test it in the microwave for 10 seconds and it seems all good. now for the long haul, i put it in there for 1 minuet, doesn't seem too long right? after 30 seconds the microwave is starting to smell and my moms asking me, "hey whats that smell?" she walks in the kitchen, sees my friend and i, sees the microwave going and then **boom!** the microwave door flys off and hits my mom in the head. shes stunned but not hurt and now my kitchen looks like afghanistan. i gotta make up 100$ for a new microwave and i'm not getting my phone back any time soon. [my kitchen](https://imgur.com/gallery/ph68m)

i put basketball in microwave, it blew up and hit my mom

blowing up the microwave with a basketball.

this happened 2 days ago. i'm a college student, it was 7 pm after class, and i usually walk back home while browsing reddit through a reddit app (unofficial). i was looking at a cat video on front page (can't find it now) near the exit of apartment complex when suddenly a car came out of the parking lot. the driver didn't seem to see me (she didn't stop) so i jerked back to avoid her and dropped my phone. i picked my phone and put it in my backpack subconsciously while giving a nasty deathstare to the driver (which just drove away probably oblivious to the whole thing - she's an old lady). i walked back home still high on adrenaline and generally shitty mood, ate dinner and fell asleep, completely forgot that my phone was still running that cat video. i woke up in the middle of the night, remember i did not set my alarm and got my phone off backpack, only to find that the app has been burning through 4 gb of data. my phone does not auto-sleep when an app is running.. and usually i have my phone wifi on but that day it was off... otherwise it'll use home internet. since the monthly charge just started the day before, i basically burned through a whole month of data. now i cannot internet from phone for a whole month :( no more browsing reddit during my daily walks :( although the light at the end of tunnel is, compared to some other tifu this does not seem to be that bad (first world tifu). edit: this is the particular cat video https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/70dxog/first_video_of_our_new_kitten_nora_and_she_does/ edit: obligatory proof (imgur failed to upload so i used google drive) https://drive.google.com/file/d/0b700ejuj38-_awvvuw5eoutuemc/view?usp=sharing

watching cat video on reddit while walking home, almost got hit by a car, forgot to close cat video for hours, cat video drained whole month of data

forgetting to close a reddit video in my phone for 6 hours and burning through gigabytes of data

[emetophobia/vomiting/choking/drowning warning] yesterday, my boyfriend was having an already bad day from taking a midterm and general mental health problems. it's unseasonably hot, so i felt gross from sweat and wanted to shower. he didn't want to, due to feeling upset, but i convinced him to. eventually he cheers up a little and we start messing around by taking mouthfuls of water and spitting it out on each other (that sounds weird now i say it?). the playful spitting escalates as we each try to be annoying as possible, and i end up holding his mouth open and spitting the water into it. he immediately froze up, but i didn't understand why, i thought maybe he was upset that i did that. i go to his side, and he then vomits in the shower. i immediately realized i had fucked up, but i thought that maybe i hit the back of his throat too hard so he gagged on the water or something. he vomits twice more, and moves out of the shower towards the door of the stall. he isn't vomiting, but still is struggling, so i try to do heimlich, but he grabs my hands so i stop. he then throws himself at the door, yells 9-1-1, and i grab him and try to calm him down. after that, he was breathing frantically. until he told me, i did not realize he wasn't breathing the entire time. after describing the trauma of not being able to breathe for 20 seconds, he apologized for vomiting in front of me. i told him i owe him anything he wants for at least a month. (we spent the rest of the night playing portal 2) edit: both of us are guys.

i spit water into my bf's mouth, making him drown and think he was going to die in the shower.

almost killing my boyfriend in the shower

today, i had to work from home and brought home a bunch of audio software from work. i work as a sound designer in the software industry. audio has been a passion since i was a kid. and like all kids, i was a fucking idiot. and like all *millennial* kids, i was an idiot who pirated a shit ton of software needlessly. mind you, i'm talking probably two to three operating system upgrades back - in ye olde days where it was still "a grey area" in the mind of every teenager. i've "gone clean" on all software since i started freelancing probably 8 years ago. for those who don't know, the gist of the piracy process is this: to prevent software from recognizing that they're hacked, you have to modify a file on your computer to prevent them from phoning home to the server that checks registration details. but if you edit that file, it also, that prevents your actual, legal software from phoning home and registering too. so since yesterday, i've gone through three layers of tech support, and wasted an entire working day and a half, nevermind all the customers who they could have been helping instead of me, before i quietly realized on the phone that my edited hosts file was probably the reason the server wasn't seeing my connection. i made up some bs reason to get off the phone call and checked the file. with the deletion of a single line of text, i can now get back to work...it's only too bad i already missed my clients deadline - and boy are they stoked about that.

i missed a client deadline and have to make up the work at a heavy discount all because i wasted time on account of stealing software as a teenager.

pirating software as a kid just cost me almost a grand, stressed me out for two days, and has a client super pissed at me.

i am a college student. i also have depression. normally i take my pills and everything is fine. however, last week i ran out. i thought i had more refills left than i did, but i was told earlier this week that i can only get an additional refill by skipping my classes and a couple days of work to go back to the office where i got the prescription on the opposite side of the state. because i can't afford to do that, i started looking for alternate sources. eventually i realized that my school has a clinic. so i went over there today, and they told me that in order for them to give me a refill i would have to make a separate appointment to give them information at which point they would set up a third appointment to talk to a councilor at which point i would be ok'd to set up a fourth appointment to talk to a psychiatrist, at which point i would be able to request a refill on my pre-existing prescription. so i made the appointment for the first step of the process. (which they won't actually be able to do for another 2 weeks) but the doctor i spoke to told me that there was a medical center down the road that could possibly give me one more refill while i jumped through all of their hoops. so, i walked down the street to the second medical center. i spoke to a couple nurses, described the situation, and they said that they could give me the new prescription no problem. i filled out some paperwork (name insurance info etc) and we got down to business. afterwards, they handed me the script and told me to go to the next room to check out. so i went to their check out area where they needed my insurance info. now a bit of back story. my entire family is on the same insurance plan. one of my parents work at a insurance firm so we get better rates than we would if we each had our own plan. so i call up the parent and ask them to pass on some additional info that i did not have. they spoke on the phone for a minute and then a nurse informed us that we needed to pay them $470. fortunately we had that much in a emergency medical fund. however, i just spent almost $500 on a single months supply of medicine and i am drowning in shame.

tried to get a prescription refilled, ended up charging my family almost $500. so, in a search for the medication i need i accidentally depleted my family's health savings account.

with prescription medication

this fuck up started years ago but only caught up with me now. when i was in my late teens and early twenties i was a shitty drug addict. i once went as far as breaking my finger on purpose to get pain medication. my family started locking up money and pills when i was visiting. around this time is when my dad had a generous prescription for kidney stones. as you can tell i wasn't very smart back then, and in my brilliant mind i decided that if i couldn't have my dads medication i would have to get my own. i looked up the causes of kidney stones and made a passive effort to get them. my thinking was that i could play up the pain and the prescription would be worth it. in the end i didn't get kidney stones and forgot about the idiotic plan. i've been clean for a number of years now. i started having pain and noticed pink in my piss so i went to the doctor and lo and behold he told me i have kidney stones. he gave me the prescription i wanted years ago but because i'm clean i'm trying not to use it unless i desperately need to. let me tell you, kidney stone pain is **not** worth the prescription. holy fucking hell it hurts. i doubt my efforts contributed to them, the doctor said it's most likely hereditary, yet i can't help but think it's cosmic justice. either that or i've completed a most successful long con.

my past heroin addict self tried to get kidney stones for a prescription. after many years clean my present day self has kidney stones and can't use said prescription.

trying to give myself kidney stones

yes, this actually happened today, still need to take a shit so a friend and i skip class a lot to go to the bathroom and hang out and just enjoy the feeling of not being in class. we typically go in separate stalls and talk for the whole period, as well as do other funny shit. so he texted me and said he was on his way, and then someone appeared in the stall next to me. we do this all the time, it's always him, so i assumed it was him this time as well. i called his name, he didn't respond, so i thought he was just fucking with me. so to fuck with him, i decided to light some toilet paper on fire and throw it over the stall at him. i was laughing my ass off when i threw it, but i was concerned when he didn't laugh back. about a minute went by, and then he texted me "dude who's in there?" and then i saw his shoes in the bathroom, outside of the stall. what followed was an episode of a fire increasing in size by a likely terrified kid who was too scared to stamp out the fire, and me running out of that bathroom as fast as i could.

i thought i was making a joke with my friend, instead i threw fire at an innocent kid taking a shit

throwing flaming toilet paper at a stranger

so this is currently ongoing. yesterday i rode home on the motorcycle and left my backpack like i usually do in the garage. unfortunately it rained on the way home so everything was dripping wet. i was going about my routine and went to grab my shirts and mug out of the compartment and as i pull them out in the split second i did i noticed something looked off. as my eyes adjusted i could see clearly the objects i was holding were swarming with fire ants. i panicked a bit and threw the shirts across the room scattering ants everywhere. fucking everywhere reddit. i collect myself reached in carefully to get only my laptop checked it quickly and left for work. i thought it was over besides the one i found crawling on my leg. well my laptop has since heated up and wouldn't you know it, they're attempting to swarm my desk. at 76 kills now. here's a picture: https://imgur.com/a/dwwpx

left backpack in garage now have literal bugs in my code

leaving my backpack in the garage.

this happened today - about four hours ago, in fact - so i'm still feeling the side-effects of my ill-advised bravado and hiding under my bedclothes regretting everything that has led me to my perpetual goal of trying to "spice up my life." i'll start from the beginning. where i live, on the east coast of straya, you're spoilt for choice if your tastebuds tingle at the thought of meat pies, prawns for the barbie, or if you're just cray-cray for crayfish. and while i have all my life gone ga-ga for gold coast cuisine, about four years ago i had the fortune of discovering what is now my favourite dish in the world - pho, a traditional vietnamese soup. because i first ate this in a hole-in-the-wall ghetto in kreuzberg, i was well aware that i hadn't found my golden goose, and since then i have been on an eternal search for the perfect pho. i haven't found it yet, but there's a winner of a granny-and-gramps home-run vietnamese restaurant that does a 9/10 for just $14 (that'll hardly buy you a decent maccas down under), and by lord if i haven't been there at least twice a month with old mate since i found it. i haven't always loved spicy food. and if you think you can see where this is going, no it's not your traditional "white-boi-eats-spicy-food-and-shits-fire" story. i didn't grow up with it, but i love to cook and experiment and recently i've gotten so comfortable (read: arrogant) in the kitchen that i consider(ed) myself a bit of a hothead for the red thunder. i'll go out and pick chillies off my neighbours plants (with permission of course) and i grow my own at home. came across some carolina reapers in my supermarket a few months back, bought em, tried em, loved them. i'm not going to argue the science over whether it's endorphins or natural highs or anything like that, but eating those little bastards makes me feel amazing, and by golly do i chase that feeling. so the last few months, old mate, her boyfriend and i have gone to this restaurant many times and each time i politely request that the pho makes me "cry at the table, sweat out of my clothes, and beg for forgiveness", or some variation thereof. each time, old mate and i cry, moan, eat quickly and tip well, but looks like i crossed the line tonight when i asked for "the hottest pho this kitchen has ever made." (i think this is the specific point of where "i fucked up"). when asked if i wanted fresh or dry (aka hotter) chillies on the side, i asked for both, as i normally do. so the pho is served in these huge bowls with the small plates of chilli, beansprouts, and other aromatics alongside, and boy does it smell good. but my chillies aren't served on the normal black mini-plate - they've come in a small bowl, and are coated with a thin dark sauce. i think nothing of it (how bad can it be? lol) and dump them all right in there. old mate tries some of the sauce on her finger after i point it out and i'm not sure if she needed an excuse for another vodka tonic, but she sure went and got one after that. confident i could put her "i'm-indian-and-you're-white-therefore-i-can-handle-spice-and-you-can't" argument in the ground for good, i dig in, and by golly it's hot. i ask the waitress what's up with the sauce, and she says the words i'll never forget; **"the chef made that up just for you. we don't serve it to the public."** elated by the fact that i could now crown myself as the regular spice-king-hothead of this lovely little restaurant (and my chilli high was coming on) i smash down the whole bowl, with not a drop of water for the duration. i was sweating by the third mouthful, tears by the fourth, but i made it through (helped by the chilli numbing my mouth) and happily ordered the banana fritters with ice cream for dessert. but before they got there, the pain started. as the "high" wore off, and that familiar *heat* started moving down my chest, i became deeply uncomfortable. it was like watching the last episode of how i met your mother - you know something's about to happen, and it's probably about to be pretty shit. i ordered two bottles of water and smashed them down, but unfortunately we were past the face/mouth stage and i had capsaicin about to nuke my stomach. i ducked out of the restaurant and bombed over to the gas station, where i managed to smash down two bottles of good ol' breaka choccy milk before i'd even paid for them. next visit: the domino's toilet. so there i was, sitting on the domino's toilet with what felt like ragnaros and deathwing having an flame-filled orgy in my chest. i couldn't shit; i didn't need to shit, so i knew the only option was to weather the pain. stepped outside, lit a smoke (fight fire with fire, amirite?) but to no comfort. i was at the mercy of the vietnamese overlords, and oh golly do i regret ever trifling with them. this was no indigestion; no "bad tummies for spaggies", but a combination of "you may have ulcerated your colon" topped off with a nice helping of "you've necked so much breaka you feel physically ill." about thirty seconds after that i offered my finest artistic work to date - a spraypaint of the back pavement of zaraffas (think starbucks) with "dinner; a rendition by drinkingspaghetti (2017)" and now four hours on, the immense discomfort has finally begun to subside. i have taken off my imaginary fucking medal that i awarded myself for finishing "the hottest pho ever served at grammy and gramps" and thrown it in the imaginary fucking dumpster. i will of course, return next week, and allow the staff to mock me and offer the chef my praises. going to the doctor's tomorrow to make sure that i haven't permanently damaged my body. **edit**: cheers for all your concern boys and girls, i've been fine all day! due to popular demand, the restaurant is called can tho kitchen and is in runaway bay on the gold coast, near harbour town. mods didn't delete my comment where i detailed this so i assume it's okay. bookings are a must, they do 2 seatings a night and the pho really is the best thing on the menu. it's really affordable as well. 10/10 my fave restaurant around here. maybe i'll see some of you there next weekend!

white boi may have ulcerated stomach due to a lack of respect for a plant that is used in concentrated doses in surgeries to permanently deaden nerves .

trying to take on everything a vietnamese chef threw at me.

so this just happened about an hour and a half ago... allow me to preface this by saying that i am at least a little bit allergic to every nut there is. my worst allergy, however, is peanuts. my dad usually takes all peanut/tree nut products to work with him so i don’t get sick. today, however, was different. i woke up at 6:45 this morning, completely exhausted because i went to see billy joel last night. i went down to the basement to grab an energy bar from the pantry, not bothering to read the label. i could’ve sworn it was a chocolate chip clif bar. i returned to the kitchen, sat down at the table and tore into my breakfast. i noticed there were no chocolate chips in the energy bar, but decided to eat it anyway. about five seconds into my first bite, i noticed something was off. didn’t taste like chocolate. finally read the label of the energy bar, and to my horror... **crunchy. peanut. butter.** *holy shit.* all of a sudden, being the raging hypochondriac i am, i convinced myself that my throat was closing up. i quickly grabbed two benadryl from the medicine cabinet and retrieved my epi-pen just in case. thankfully, the extent of the reaction was a runny nose and itchy eyes. i’ve never had to use my epi-pen, so i’m glad today wasn’t the day my streak would end. thank goodness. i was supposed to take a test today, but i’m glad i get to stay home and have the weekend to study. will keep y’all posted if something happens.

ate a peanut butter energy bar and almost went into shock the day i was supposed to take a test. i get the weekend to study since i’m staying home 😊

almost going into anaphylactic shock

obligatory didn't happen today - was actually a year ago, exactly haha. so i was part of this school trip to noumea, new caledonia, while i was taking part of this french exchange thing. there i was, with some 15-20 other people, most a bit older than my mild 15 years, but still most of them were good people. the 4 boys on the trip, (we'll call them bob, fin jeff and myself) had a bit of banter, never really got to heavy though. but! there was this one girl who was really starting to piss us off: we'll call her sally. sally was about the most stereotypical annoying white girl possible. she was insistent on speaking english on a tropical island surrounded by attractive french people. she was also a teachers pet, although i use that term loosely, considering our teacher mr corridor didn't like her much either. he was often a part of our sessions of just ripping into this girl in retaliation for her superiority complex, but good old monsieur was still very insistent on following the rules. this was a bit of a problem. see, the quartet that i was talking about, we had this game to pass the time. we would come up with a dare, and then play 4 way papiere, ciseaux roche (paper scissors rock) to decide who had to do the dare. most of the bad ones were to piss sally off, because her pansy ass couldn't take any of the fun that we were having. some examples of dares included asking for bright red pantyhose at the auckland airport victoria secret, or moaning out loud while doing 20 press ups in the middle of a café. but the worst one came to me. i lost a dare that i had to go on a bus, and use an expired bus ticket that i found on the ground outside the bus station. seems not too bad, right? well, not so fast, redditor. see, the thing i forgot to mention was that i never actually checked the bus ticket. i had assumed that it would just be expired or at the very least used, so it would be declined on the bus and i wouldn't be allowed on. well, unluckily for me, it was a montlhly ticket. suddenly, as i get up to go on the bus, i hear sally yell out "wah stop i'm gonna go get mr corridor hes gonna get so mad omg omg omg" like the retard she is. but i ignore her, and to the amusement of my friends, board the bus. so i put the ticket into the scanner, and wait for the unfortunate declined sound that would mean i could leave the bus. however, that never happens: the ticket gets accepted. meanwhile, fin has just gassed it to wherever sally went so that he could stop her and get bob to explain it, but ends up accidentally slipping and tackling her into the sidewalk, resulting in more unfortunate explanations. so while i'm contemplating what went wrong, i realize the bus driver has closed the doors. so now, i'm left with no exit, and stuck on a bus where i don't even know is going to, and worst of all, since i left my bag, i have no way to contact any of my friends or teacher back in noumea. next thing i know, i'm trying to communicate to any of the asians on the bus, or even the bus driver, but since he is hidden behind his glass panel he doesn't hear a word of what i'm saying. then, after what felt like an hour, i finally arrive at my destination, which i still don't know what is called. luckily, mr corridor managed to trace the bus number to the city or town where i was going to, meaning i only diverted everyone elses days and plans for like 4 hours. cue earful from mr corridor, his wife, my parents over the phone, but worst of all, sally fucking mann. i couldn't stand the smug look on her face so i just didn't look at her for the rest of the 12 days.

lost a dare, boarded a bus i wasn't meant to, ended up in a random city in a foreign country.

using a non expired bus ticket

tifu but actually this was yesterday afternoon. so a little back ground: i am a graduate student and we have a collective office for the graduate students in our department. we just moved offices into some rooms on the top floor of the history building on campus over the summer and we are still getting settled in. so it was free queso day at moe's so my buddy and i go get food around 3:30-4 and bring it back to eat. as is tradition i have to take an emergency shit pretty much right after i finish my meal; so i head to the bathroom. now these new bathrooms are really really tiny, like the toilet barely fits in between the wall and the stall wall and the urinal is like immediately next to that same stall wall. if you're doing anything in there you kind of rubbing elbows with anyone else in there too. so around 5 i'm in the bathroom on our floor beefin' it real hard. the janitor ladies come around to do their thing and i can hear them hanging out talking for a really long time outside the bathroom which makes me nervous and i try to wait them out until they leave so i can leave without having that awkward "i'm sorry for what i just did in there" eye contact. this is where i fucked up. one of them comes in to clean the bathroom and see my feet and goes back out into the hall and start talking about "there is a guy in there. he won't leave. he is skipping class. what is he doing in there?" so i'm thinking "fuck me, it'll be more weird if i leave now." i wait longer hoping they will move on and comeback later but they don't, they just hangout outside the bathroom talking about me and how i won't leave. i thought they would move on to the other classrooms and circle back and finish the bathroom but no they just waited and kept talking about how i was taking a really long time. so now i'm feeling super awkward and my legs have fallen asleep so i put my headphones in so they at least think i might not have heard that they were waiting on me. i walk by them to the office and can still hear them talking about how i took a really time in there. fast forward like an hour and me and 2 other grad students are in the office talking and we hear the door being unlocked and it opens to 2 police officers. we all greeted them with a confused "uhh hey?" the main officer tells us that they are responding to a call about a suspicious person in the building possibly in our room. the cop then points at me and says "i think it was you!" and then laughs and tells us to have a nice day and they leave without asking any further questions. i guess they saw that we belonged in our office. now i'm just waiting for an email from my project manager and professors asking to explain why the cops were called to our new office looking for me.

i took a nasty shit in our new office floor that we share with classrooms and my natural awkwardness got me to try and wait out the custodial staff, who were waiting on me, and they called the cops on me for being a suspicious person.

getting the cops called into my office looking for a suspicious person because i’m awkward and took a really long time in the bathroom.

not a major fuck-up, but still pretty dumb. reddit noob here. this is my first post, so be gentle :) meet me, typical broke uni student trying to eat anything other than macca’s. thought i saw some uncooked spaghetti laying around in the pantry from whenever months back and decide that it’s the perfect way to ease myself back in to the world of real food. water, on. spaghetti, in. discount supermarket bolognese sauce, microwaved. playing some games to pass time. life is good. five, eight minutes in and the spaghetti’s still as stiff as an unwashed handkerchief. i trust my instincts and leave it alone. ten minutes more and nothing changes, except now the kitchen smells vaguely like sandalwood. i wait few more minutes. the place is small, ventilation is subpar, and there is now pine-scented smoke everywhere. the fire alarm starts. i am running around with the tea towel, flapping my arms up and down. the fire alarm stops. i stop too, although by now it's because i am about to have an asthma attack. i cough my way around the room and manage to grope everything other than my inhaler. the next one or two minutes consist of me opening every window and door i could get my hands on as if i was in the opening sequence to some london musical, although instead of the smell of fresh dough it was the smell of some brief and distant springtime hellscape. then, in a truly anti-climactic fashion, everything calms down. i finally decide it might be a good idea to read the cooking instructions and dig around for the packet. [the regretti packet.](https://i.imgur.com/wcpu3um.jpg)

i cook a scrumptious dish of bamboo skewer bolognese. i go to bed hungry and puffed.

making stickghetti.

**welcome to the common fuck-ups megathread, weekend edition.** - weekend specific [[wiki]](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups#wiki_weekend_specific). time for the weekend, let the shit post flow (literally). you [suggested it](https://redd.it/4ifanz), and [we listened](https://redd.it/4ir8p4).   you may be wondering what a "common fuck-up" is. normally they are topics that are non-noteworthy or unoriginal, the minor things we fuck up. you can view them in our [[wiki]](/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups). while we are being lax on this rule within this thread, we want to remind everyone that every other rule still applies, which can be found on our sidebar or [[wiki/rules]](/r/tifu/w/rules) page. *we will be having 2 megathreads a week:* 1. monday-friday for normal common fuck-ups 2. friday-sunday for nfsw (rule 4) common fuck-ups --- wiki pages: / [*detailed rules page*](/r/tifu/wiki/rules) / [*sidebar link*](/r/tifu/about/sidebar) / [*list of common fuck-ups*](/r/tifu/wiki/commonfuckups) / [*flair/nfsw filters*](/r/tifu/wiki/flairs) / [*rules(report reasons)*](/r/tifu/about/rules) / [*fuotw archive*](/r/tifu/wiki/index) / [*other subs*](/r/tifu/wiki/subs) /

common fuck-ups megathread (nsfw) - september 23, 2017

so this didn't happen today. happened a couple years ago. long story short. i went to chick fil a and purchased a milkshake with my good buddy. on our way back home, i decided to toss the rest of the milkshake outside. by accident, i hit another car that was passing by. in response, the guy shot 3-4 bullets at the car i was in. one went through the center console, one went through the passenger seat near the bottom end, and the other two went through the rear tail lights. i can provide a news article with proof, and yes, i was a stupid teenager. never littered again to this day. the reason i share you this story is because my best friend and role model who was with me during the event, passed away one year ago. this is one of my most memorable times i had with him

threw a milkshake out the car window. hit another car. the guy in that car fired 4 shots in return and all of the shots hit the body of the car

purchasing a chickfila milkshake

so this actually happened today, about two hours ago. i'm sat at work right now, i absolutely stink and i wish i wasn't such an idiot. i live out in the middle of the countryside, in a small farming village. my work is about an hour and a half walk away. if i'm heading in early, there's no public transport so i take a walk along the canal side which leads me right to town. this morning i was setting off at 05:30. the first leg of the journey is across a horse field and a small hill. this bit has no lighting at all. as i get to the bottom of the hill i'm just coming out of pitch black and into where there's street lights again. the street lights at this point have been damaged for a few months now and a couple of them flicker which just adds to the creepy, since the area is absolutely steeped in local folklore. over the years a couple of old people have fell into the canal around this area, a car full of teenagers came off the road there and into the canal. to top it off, there's a railway bridge over the canal where, legend has it, a young boy was hit by a train in the 50s/60s and lost his legs. he bled out on the bridge, trying to drag himself home. there's a shit ton of ghost stories that are circulated in the local newsletter every october and and it's creepy to walk through anyway. as i'm coming off the hill and onto the road i hear these weird noises like children. i'm looking around wondering where the noise is coming from, i'm hard of hearing (have a hearing aid but don't often have it on, other than for meetings) so i'm not really sure what i'm hearing to be honest... when this god aweful crying, like a baby crying but really "off" starts coming from the canal. i'm still in the road by this point, i haven't crossed over so i'm pretty freaked out. it's cold so mist is just rolling off the water and creeping across the road, the lights are flickering and this almost-but-not-quite-human wailing is going off just through the bushes. as i'm trying to work out what the hell this noise is and what i should do, it erupts into screams. high pitched like a toddler in agony... at this point i figure it has to be a kid who's hurt themselves and if i don't man the fuck up and help i won't ever forgive myself. i run across the road, push through the bushes and get onto the canal... nothing. the noise stops, i stop and look around. there's nothing there at all, just the rolling mist and flickering lights. i walk around a bit to have a good look, heart in my throat. silence, nothing there... i figure it must be something else that i've misheard. as i start heading back to the road, thouroughly freaked out by the whole thing, i see two great yellow eyes stairing back at me from the bushes. this weird noise just erupts, this time completely inhuman. the bush goes fucking crazy, i scream every swearword i can think of and fall backwards nearly landing in the canal... two little foxes go darting out of the bush. fuck those things. nearly gave me a heart attack and/or drown me in the canal. i may not of landed in the canal, but i've landed in something. i'm sat at work and there's a strong stink coming off me which i just can't wash off. can't wait to get home so i can just feel clean again and i'm absolutely dreading my 10am meeting... p.s. i had heard that fox noises can sound like screaming and stuff, but despite living in an area where you come across foxes on a regular basis, this is the first time i've heard them. they're creepy bloody noises and i hope to not hear them again.

mistook fox noises for a child screaming and crying, thouroughly freaked myself out and in my panic i landed in something so now i'm sat at work stinking of strange piss.

following the sounds of a crying child

whelp, i have been a lurker for months but i have finally had a fuck up that is worthy of posting. this fuck-up actually happened about an hour ago, but like all good tifu's, it is the accumulation of multiple fu's. in june immediately after i finished my freshman year, i visited an older sister who was still in school (i am also in college), and i had had a significant hiatus in drinking because i was in season for track. that weekend was also the weekend of my sister's sorority "formal" where everyone gets dressed up and usually gets a party bus all that jazz. now i should mention that the only suit that i own is one passed down from my father as a gift when i graduated high school, an upper end ralph lauren suit, over $1,000 when including the shoes. it also has sentimental value bc my dad is a doctor and wore it years and years to many medical conferences and the like, and bought it for himself once he graduated from residency. giving that suit to me was a big deal bc it was the most thoughtful and by far the most expensive gift i have ever received, and also because i dreamed of using that suit for my medical school interviews. so i suppose the first mistake would be wearing my prize possession to a night out of shannaigans. so back to the party: all is well, but i am a tad more drunk than i intend to be, and as the night progresses, i over estimate how much my body can handle. by the end of the night we have to head back to campus, i am in real rough shape. i puke out the window of the car we were in, but unfortunately the flak takes my suit down as well as a few unsuspecting bystanders. wake up the next morning hungover and slightly pissed that i have to get my suit dry cleaned-- but all is well because i had a fun night and it was my fault. i am in an unknown city so i just go to the nearest hole in the wall dry cleaner. i suppose this is my second mistake by not checking reviews on the place because if i had i would have seen that they had less than 2 stars (for what that's worth). i have a plane flight the next morning so i grab it on my way to the airport and it has my tag on it and the right tie and the same color, ect. but i don't bother checking to make sure it was my actual suit. probably my biggest fu. throw it in my suit carrier that is within my suitcase and forget about it for 3 months (until today). open the suit bag about an hour ago, and it looks a bit....off. so i put on the coat and it feels...for the lack of a better term...like a cheap suit. check the inside of the coat, and it does not have the usual branding that i was used to, but instead it said "merona." quick google search tells me that this is not in fact my suit, but a 30 dollar coat from target. (something like this: https://www.target.com/c/suits-men-s-clothing/merona/-/n-5xu20z4ynan). uh oh. stomach drops to the floor. after i finished my panic attack i plan on calling the store in the am, but as of right now it looks pretty bleak guys. and as someone who is a chronic skeptic, i will also include a pic of the suit, because that is the only form of "evidence" i have to show that this actually happened. https://imgur.com/a/jdxmc

took too many shots of cheap alcohol, puked over myself and traded down the nicest thing i own to something i can buy for 19.99 at your nearest target.

not paying attention and swapping a $1,000 suit for a target knock off.

as is tradition of this sub, this did not happen today, but last month. my parents had to head out to the shops to grab some groceries, as you do, and told the kids we were allowed to watch some movies while they were gone. they said they would be gone a few hours, so the kids got super hyped about being left alone; in a family of six kids, that doesn't happen often. i'm about to head into the living room to sit my ass down on the couch in front of the tv when my parents call me out into the hall. it turns out that in the depths of the fridge is a large packet of mince meat sitting there that was going to go off the next day, so i had to brown it for dinner that night. so, while the little kids sat down in the living room to rewatch "now you see me" for the 22nd time, i'm heading out the back to start up the portable gas stove to heat the pan. this is were the fu occurred. i'm pretty sure you guys have all seen the videos of people who have decided to dump flammable liquids onto a naked flame, and watched it just ignite every last particle of god-knows-what that was thrown in. i've heard of people doing it, but i've never actually seen the result of it first-hand. the stove hasn't been on for long, so it's not insanely hot, so shit-for-brains here decides that the time was right to blow stuff up. while the stove cools down, i hurry over to the laundry and grab a little spray bottle filled with methylated spirits which my parents use on their feet for some reason (if you know why, it would would be interesting to find out). anyway, i turn the stove onto low and spray a little bit of it in the fire. it really didn't do much: it just made the fire a little bit orange. at this point, i'm thinking, "ok, that's not too bad". i turn it up to high and spray a generous amount directly at the flames, with similarly pathetic results. so, i take the whole lid off the bottle and throw a little bit in. now, we had a decent burst of fire from that, but some of the methylated spirits spilt down the side of the stove and onto the floor. quick as a flash, i scoop some dirt onto the worst of the fire and stomp the rest out. the rest that was on the side went out by itself, and i thought i was pretty lucky not to cause a blaze in the middle of the suburb, so i quit after that. a few minutes go by when, as i'm about to start cooking the mince meat, smoke starts wafting through the doors underneath the stove top. i turn off the gas, thinking it might just be something from the plants around that's fallen through and set alight, but the smoke was getting worse. i get a towel and open up the door to find my little brothers t shirt, soaked in metho, on fire, and resting on the grass underneath the appliance. i'm freaking out at this point, because this fire has spread a few meters back towards the fence, but i haven't noticed it come my way because i'm standing on the concrete patio, and it's gone everywhere but my directions. it's a decent area as well: maybe around 2mx4 and a bit m. i go over to this dirt mound by the wall (we were digging holes for plants the previous day) and start filling this bucket with dirt and just chucking it at the fire. i don't think that's how you're supposed to do it, but it was working just fine. i just lathered the area with dirt and turned off the gas, and left it alone. good news: my parents didn't find out about the grass. bad news: they did find the t shirt, and it was my brothers favorite. i said it was touching the fire from behind the grease tray, and although they weren't happy, i didn't get in trouble. oh, and the meat went off.

instead of getting dinner ready, i decided to try pyrotechnics in the backyard and set the backyard alight.

setting fire to my backyard

so i was talking to my friend over the phone, while stabbing a tree at the same time, with a knife i'd just gotten from some small shop in va. i wasn't paying good enough attention, when i felt a small drop of warm blood run down my wrist and knife handle. i'd cut my middle finger, at the second knuckle. (middle knuckle.) i looked down, with a sort of "oh. uh, that's fine no big deal." until i moved my hand and it started bleeding pretty bad. i ran home, and ended up going to the hospital. i ended up getting it glued shut at first, before needing around 10-12 stitches later when the glue failed twice. (apparently they're not auqaphobic in the least.) i now have a decent scar on my right middle finger's knuckle. edit1: here's the link of the splint i had my hand in: https://imgur.com/9hphumt

stabbed a tree, knife slipped, cut myself, and required stitches.

stabbing a tree and cutting my hand

story is pretty short. sold a an old 50" plasma tv on facebook. lady and her mom showed up to pick it up, gave us the $200 we were asking for it ( 2 - $100 bills) fast forward a week later i got to deposit them in my bank account with the auto-teller. first one goes fine. second won't. try again. nope. bank employee comes over to ask to see the bill. 20 minutes later i'm being told they have to send it to their fraud department because it is apparently a bleached $1 bill then had $100 printed on it. i get to fill out a police report and whatever else happens when counterfeit money is involved. just for details sake the bad $100 was a "1985" bill so i wasn't looking for any security shit on it. the other $100 was brand new with all the fancy anti-counterfeit stuff.

got paid with counterfeit $100 bill. not happy and out $100 that was going to go towards rent.

selling an old tv on facebook

oh boy. am i embarrassed about this one. obligatory, this did not happen today but actually about 4 weeks ago. to start off, i don't like spiders. frankly, i hate them which is kind of what led to this shit show of nightmares. it started off by me finding a huge spider in my room. great. i didn't wanna touch it and was scared to get rid of it. so i took one of [these] (https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/i/31ta0t2mxil._sx355_.jpg) things and swept it off my ceiling. the little bastard climbed right on and i stuck it in a jar i had recently emptied of my spare change. one of [these] (https://i.pinimg.com/736x/d9/43/43/d943434779066f9228ee18e1ba117fca--antique-bottles-vintage-bottles.jpg) with a cork lid. ok. so far so good. i debated with myself of how to get the spider outside without it climbing on the outside of the bottle and onto me at which point i would flip my shit. it was late at night and i thought i'd better do it tomorrow. next night, come home from work another spider on my ceiling. ok... so i dust his ass off the ceiling and sweep him into a jar. now at this point i'm thinking, hmmm spider fight night. cruel? maybe. but fuck these spiders and their nightmare inducing little bodies. so i decide to leave the fuckers in the bottle overnight. next, day. another one. why. where are they coming from‽  at this point i'm suspicious. the house is newly built due to a house fire destroying my home 2 years ago so we hadn't had many bug issues like we used to. i'm thinking maybe a nest hatched somewhere? but these spiders are huge. so now i'm thinking....how many can i collect? i don't know why i thought this. i don't know why i went through with it but i did. i hid it in my room for about 1 month where i just kept collecting spiders and adding it to the jar. i didn't tell or show anyone because of my shame. all in all, i had 27 spiders. not a lot or anything but enough... when i had finally come to my senses and really looked in the bottle there were webs everywhere on the inside of the jar. the spiders were eating each other and there were spider cannibals taking over as leaders. fuck that. this has gone too far to come back. i'm not releasing this nightmare carnival anywhere near my home and decided to just throw the whole thing out. today is trash day. i take a trash bag, take the jar outside and drop it into the bag on my front porch. kshhhhhhh!!!! my stupid ass just literally dropped this glass jar into the bag forgetting it's resting on my porch made of concrete. the panic sets in. i rush to close the bag and tie it shut so i can run it up to the curb for trash pickup. it's their problem now suckers!! nope. still my problem. the glass ripped through the bag. as soon as i lifted the bag, it was like a hole opened up into the earth and i got a glimpse of hell. spiders. spiders everywhere. climbing up the bag. climbing up my legs. scattering throughout my porch. more spiders than i thought i'd had. small spiders. big spiders. brown spiders. fucking spiders. i screamed. i cried. i ran away to the street, running up the stairs from my walkway to the street, missed a step, and i heard a pop. i had sprained my ankle. now i'm immobile, injured, crying in pain, there are spiders in my hair and all over my body. i'm laying in the pebbles and dirt of the front walkway of my parents house. it just wasn't my day. i couldn't stop crying. next thing i know my parents find me outside screaming, my neighbors come out and offer to help me get up. i'm trying to scream spiders at them incoherently between tears and shrieks of terror. so cue my father and the next door neighbor's husband wiping spiders off me, stomping them, and trying to figure out what the fuck happened. my dad carries me inside, i'm in so much pain and my ankle is on fire but i have to change or something. forever unclean. my mom washes my hair in the kitchen sink. spiders. my saint of a mother pushes through drowning the little bastards. i change as much as i can, burn my clothes, and we head to the er at 12 am. basically i partially tore the ligaments in my ankle. just slightly. they give me crutches, an air cast, 800mg of ibuprofen and i'm on my way. basically, i told them i was taking the trash out, a bag broke and inside was a whole mess of spiders. which is kinda true... fast forward to a couple days later. i'm having nightmares. i keep hearing the spiders scratching inside my walls. i wake up and still hear the scratching. i listen close to my walls but it sounds the same. my right ear is so stuffy i can't hear anything. i touch it and it burns. my heart sinks so low into my stomach i start crying. the scratching was coming from inside my head. yup. if you guessed, spiders, you're correct! my parents take me to the emergency room at 1 am again. spider in my ear. made a little home in there all curled up nice and warm. doc ripped him out and asked me if i wanted to keep it. no doc. i'm done collecting spiders. maybe in my past life i would have but not today. edit: formatting edit: forgot to mention i stabbed a hole in the cork top and stuffed it with aquarium foam so that air could get in but spiders could not. i...uhh...was really committed, i guess you could say ಠ_ಠ

collected spiders, kept a spider cannibal civilization in a jar, they weren't down with the cause. fuck spiders.

collecting spiders

so, first off, this happened today and hasn’t exactly concluded, but anyways i’ll start the story. i had to house watch/take care of their two pets, a cat, and a dog. luckily my school is within walking distance, so my mother left to drop my sister and go to work, and i was left to go to school. but when i went to lock the the door i couldn’t get it to lock, so i reached inside and locked it and closed the door. i then went on my merry way. but when i came back and to my dismay the door wouldn’t open. so i called my friends mom to ask how to get the door open. she told me there was a latter in the back yard (they were using it to paint) that was conveniently by the 2nd story window. so i climbed up that, suppressing my newfound fear of heights and squirmed through the window. but the latter was made of fiberglass and made my arms really itchy. i then walked down the stairs, leaving the door to the 2nd story open, to grab my things. instead of taking a shower i decided to walk the dog and get that over with. as i came back, i checked my phone and realized my friends mom had texted me, a half an hour later, to not forget to close the second story door so i wouldn’t let their cat, kit kat, out. i immediately knew i didn’t close the door. (i’m saying the door instead of the window because, it’s one room, upstairs, and they keep the windows open) i then rushed around the house after closing the door looking for her. while i was hurriedly searching in my friend’s room i looked out his window, which overlooked(or underlooked?) their miniature back yard to see kit kat sitting patiently by their door on their also miniature patio. i excitedly opened the door hoping she’d come in. but nope she immediately hopped into the railing causing the neighbor’s cat, who i didn’t notice, to his from his perch of the fence surrounding the yard. and in turn causing kit kat to scamper away into a tiny bit of land connected to a weird space between other houses ( here’s [a bit of visualization ](https://imgur.com/a/tzvkp)) . i immediately bolted out to the front door only to find she’s going up to a neighbor’s door. but when i tried to get her she’s ran, into another neighbor’s backyard, who luckily had a tiny fence that could only stop a tiny dog. again when i tried to get her she only ran, but this time she disappeared down to somewhere else, concluding my story for now. i’ll be sure to update you if there is one. also, while typing this i heard a loud clunk in the back yard, followed by loud meowing. i come out, only to see the one and only, kit kat looking smug, giving out a tiny meow, before leaving. i’m not exactly sure what happened but my best guess is she pushed another cat off the fence. and if you have any suggestions please tell me.

i lost my friend's cat by leaving a door open after locking a door weirdly

loosing my best friend's cat

this happened a year ago. so i'm at the park with my buddies, and being the cool black guy i am, i decided to impress them by jumping off the slide and doing a backflip. i failed and ended up falling on my knees and hurting my ass. my knee was all red and my legs hurted real bad. i went to the hospital and had to wear a cast for weeks. i couldn't play any basketball or any sports until my leg was better.

hurting myself trying to impress my friends.

so this happened probably 7 years ago but still resides as an untold secret, until today i suppose. my dad's girlfriend had just recently moved in with us not three months before this happened. with her came her three birds, super pretty very smart very loud, exotic birds. for those of you who don't know, sometimes birds can be very territorial so i was only "friends" with one of them- kiwi. aptly named because that's exactly what he looked like (green). so kiwi and i have a pretty good relationship for a human and a bird, he'd pretty much just hang out with me most of the time i spent at home, usually falling asleep in my lap. anyways, one day i got a call from my best friend who needed to borrow something (can't remember what it was for the life of me) for her after school activity. school was only 5 minutes away, no big deal. as i was preparing to leave though, i remembered that dad's gf took kiwi on rides with her all the time, whats the harm if i do it? so my animal loving self, who now knows that the bird could be having such a better time on this car ride rather than in his cage (even though he probably could give two shits) decides to give it a go. step 1: making it to the car. check. step 2: driving without distraction. check. step 3: arriving to the school, notifying the friend i'm here, and delivering whatever it was i was giving her successfully without having the bird fly out of the car and almost inevitably losing it forever then having to explain to the new member of the family that i lost her $1000+ bird. ha. nope. so the friend comes out and in the small bit i rolled down the window i guess the bird got spooked and flies out of the car. as soon as i can i jump out of the car hitting my friend with the door, also forgetting to put it in park. fu #1. car starts rolling away and i run-jump into the drivers seat, inaccurately judging the space and bash my head into the door frame pretty f-ing hard. very. hard. now that the car is stopped and parked i get ahold of myself and of course notice there's blood running down the side of my face. great. i wipe it off as fast and best i could but still bleeding...and i still have to try to find this bird. i ran around the school parking lot for probably 10 minutes screaming the bird's name, hearing it reply, and trying to pinpoint what part of the school he's on top of (i knew he was somewhere on the roof at this point). kiwi's wings are trimmed so he has flying feathers, but can't fly for long distances because they're not fully grown. this means he can get up, but probably not down. at this point i got a teacher leaving work to let me in and i immediately go to the janitors, bleeding and sweaty and try to get them to let me onto the roof. they didn't speak much english, and i only spoke some spanish so now i'm bleeding, sweaty, panicking and trying to explain in a language i hardly speak what's going on. i'm pretty sure the lady thought i was getting beat up or threatened and i'm almost positive i scared the living daylights out of her as she begins praying for me. not the help i needed, sorry. so i run, yes actually run, to the other side of the school and burst into the police office, still bloody. still sweaty. panicking even more. "officer, this will undoubtedly be the weirdest thing you've heard today but hear me out...." the look on this poor guy's face was the definition of "i didn't sign up for this shit". anyways, he let me up onto the roof to get kiwi, which we're still calling and getting responses from, but demanded (politely of course) that he be the one to go up there and get the bird. fu #2. i'm watching from the ladder probably 10 feet away. officer snuck up slowly, trying to not scare kiwi away, and as soon as he's about to grab him the bird flies up into his face, spooking the officer and causing him to fall back. officer screams and tried to refrain from yelling curse words in front of me (like a good adult. i was around 17 at the time). he gets up with a some issues, i figure out later that he had just recovered from an ankle injury and that twisting-fall did not help. now i understand this sounds almost comical, but don't doubt me when i say birds can get revenge and if they want to, they will. now the officer is up for probably 2-3 seconds and here flies around kiwi coming in for the "ninja kick claw to the face" on this poor " definitely didn't sign up for this shit" officer. and per usual, kiwi didn't forget the bird shit, that happened too. so now that kiwi is satisfied with his bullying of this school officer he flies over to me and lands happily on my shoulder, basically saying "ok i'm done here take me home". all of this happened on the roof within probably a minute, give or take. i ask the officer if he's ok and he said he's fine just needs to get off his ankle asap. now the three of us are in the ladder tunnel (best description) getting down from the roof and the bird flips out again. i was on the ladder, the officer was at the bottom waiting, and somehow managed to grab kiwi. fu #3. kiwi bites him, and bites him again, and again. now i'm trying to get down the ladder so fast i miss a bar and almost fall. bird is still biting officer, my head is still bleeding, and both of us at this point had physically suffered enough from this bird in just 20 minutes. now i'm off the ladder, get kiwi back from the officer and hold him so he can't fly away. he's already pretty pissed so of course i'm suffering the consequences via beak. we make our way back to the car and i vow not to tell anyone what just happened. once we got home i cleaned and bandaged myself up and kiwi acted as if noting had happened. little bastard ended up taking a nap in my lap, per usual. the next day i came to school and the officer had bandaids all over his hands, a wrap on his ankle, and a crutch. he proceeded to flood me with questions on whether or not you can get infected from a bird bite. guy looked traumatized, but also told me he went home and had a pretty good dinner table story for his family. i sent him an edible arrangement as an "i'm sorry, thank you" and we laughed about it until i graduated.

took my dad's gf's exotic bird on a car ride (a normal thing to him) to drop off something to a friend at my high school. bird got spooked and flew out of the window during the exchange. i jump out, hit friend with the door, forget to put the car in park and end up run-jumping back into it while simultaneously bashing my head open on the frame and keeping an eye on the bird. now bloody & sweaty after running around the parking lot looking for bird i'm in the school trying to explain in spanish, which i barely barely speak, what happened to the janitor to get her to let me on the roof where bird was. i scared the living hell out of janitor lady and she began praying for me. went to school police office and ended up getting him to help me. officer went to roof to retrieve bird while he told me to wait back. now i'm watching him get beat up by bird causing him to fall and re-injure his ankle, get ninja-kicked by a bird claw and then shat on. later while going down the latter officer held bird and got multiple bites, and same happened to me after the hand off. next day, officer came to school with hands bandaged, ankle wrapped, and a crutch, traumatized and worrying about bird-related infections from the bites. bird gave zero shits and continued along with life.

"losing" my dad's new girlfriends exotic bird on top of my high school, busting my head open, and accidentally injuring a police officer.

so i still live with my parents and they aren't fans of weed. so i can't keep my weed in the house or in my car. so what i like to do is stash it real quick on the side of the road about a mile down the road. there's a little spot where you can park that no one really goes. most people just park there if they want to go across the street to go to a little pond in the summer or if they're having car trouble. so i usually just wait till no one's around, get out of my car, and stash my jar under some brush. and that's what i did last night. today, i came back to the spot to pick up my bud. it's gone... half an ounce of bud gone... now that area has a lot of trash for some reason from people just throwing shit out their window as they drive by but that trash is all still there so i seriously doubt some good samaritan came around picked up the trash on the side of the road, and found my jar. but it ain't fuckin there. i came back with a big black trash bag to make it look like i was just picking up trash, combed the area as meticulously as possible, and actually picked up some trash along the way. nothing. just packs of cigarettes and beer bottles. fuck me. edit: stashed my weed on the side of the road. it isn't there any more.

hiding my weed

this just happened. it was lunch at school. they were serving shitty meatless monday dishes, so i opted for pizza. squad sits outside behind a concrete circle bench thing. as always i start to jump over the bench but i missed the top of it by a centimeter. i fall face first, my pizza goes flying, and at least 50 people saw.

one centimeter

so i'm eating breakfast at a mcdonald's and after i'm finished, i head to the restroom to wash my hands, then head out to take the soundtransit (seattle train). suddenly, i didn't have my wallet on me. i went to check the booth i sat at to find it... and nothing. went back to the restroom... nothing. asked the staff to maybe assist me to find my missing wallet. sitting next to my booth were 5 young black men, aged ~ 16-19. as common as it is, they dressed in hoodies and in what some people might say "gang related" clothing. i started to suspect that maybe one of them had noticed my wallet that i left behind, and snatched it. i preceded to ask them if they had seen a wallet. i described it to them, and they said no they didn't see one. i thought maybe they were playing me. so the manager wasn't in, therefore no one could access the security cameras to see if i was being robbed or where the wallet could be located. the woman in charge recommended that i call the police to have them check the black kids if they had my wallet. so yeah at this point we began to stereotype these kids very negatively due to pas history. i just couldn't accuse them though. it would be so wrong especially if they did not do anything. i was so bummed out at this point because i had lots of cash on me, and i was so careless to just lose it all. then magically (for lack of a better term), my wallet was found by one of the workers!!!.....in the trash can in the restroom. why it was there? i don't know. how i was dumb enough to discard a wallet in the trash? pretty dumb. needless to say, i looked pathetic to everyone that was watching me. one of the black kids called me insane for throwing a wallet in the trash. afterwards, i thanked the staff for their help and just walked out of there with one of the biggest fails of my life. i have a feeling that those black kids think of me as someone who fears black people. and i can't blame them. it's their first impression of me and i acted that way. now that i have my wallet, while writing this i am thinking heavily about what just happened. out of fear, i began to negatively stereotype these black kids, and in the end i was the one who fucked up. i don't want to ever relate myself to being a racist, but i feel some racist views in me were exposed to the open. that's all i want to say for now. i just feel disappointed in myself for throwing a wallet in the trash and for revealing negative views on other people's ethnicities and race.

lost my wallet in mcdonald's....thought maybe these black kids stole it....mcd's staff suspected them too, recommended i call police...wallet was found in trash...don't know how i did that...people in restaurant were watching...black kids were being stereotyped in the open because of me...i feel shitty because i view myself as non racist, but my actions kind of say otherwise.

"losing" my wallet

i've been using bluehost to register and host several very small websites that i use to keep various things easily accessible, most of which probably only receive ten visits a year. we're talking seven or eight sites that have been up for the last six to eight years. i just learned that i do not need to pay for hosting for each of these sites, and can instead add multiple domains to one hosting account. i am a moron. a quick calculation comes up to around $4,000 in wasted hosting fees.

giving bluehost $4,000 dollars for no reason.

so this happened yesterday. i work at a mental health facility and im fairly new(4 months in) at the job. it was going like how every other sunday was going until one of our new clients threw a fit and started rampaging through the facility. of course, me being only one of the guys in the facility at the time(most of my coworkers are women) had to react fast to stop him from getting through the nurse' station. i have no idea what got to me but all i was thinking about was that i had to stop him from getting inside. so i got up close and told him to calm down. at this moment, i knew what was already going to happen. right after i told him to calm down, he rushed at me and started throwing punches. at this point all i could remember was trying to stop him from hitting me any further until my other coworker(male) restrained him and i was able to snap out and helped him out. after that, everyone else from the other stations came and helped out. i felt so embarrassed because being the new guy at work and all and having to go through that.

patient threw a rage, tried to calm him down, ended getting beat up.

letting a patient hit me.

so i was sitting in geometry class not really doing anything because i had already finished the assignment. now i had never seen any shock or enthusiasm on my geometry teachers face, he has one tone of voice and one only. now we're on to the fuck up, this student (we'll call him chad) walks in the room to pick up some missing papers from the teacher. now i'm a annoying fuck sometimes, and i'll try to have small interactions with people who i don't know that much. he walks by my desk and i shoot up and raise my hand in the air with the most serious look as my desk shifted around, bringing everyone's attention to me. this kid didn't have a left arm. me trying to fix the situation, leaned over to the other side with my hand holding the desk so i didn't fall out of it while everyone is looking with shock and the teacher has a very concerned look on his face, my friends mouth is wide open but there's a grin on it. so when i lean over my desk tips and i fall over with the desk and everyone laughs at me as the kid steps over me and my desk and walks out of the class. after class i received a scolding from the teacher and that kid bats an eye at me every time i see him in the hall now.

trying to give a student a high-five

so this happened about 10 mins ago, and is still happening now. i'm fed up with my geometry teachers shit, and really couldnt handle dealing with her today, so i started sitting in the commons. i had been here for about 20 mins, when somebody who is also in the same class walks in and asks why i'm not in geometry. i need to think of an excuse fast, so i say i have a really important computer science project due tomorrow, quickly alt-tab to my notepad++ window, and show him my code. he then says "ok, ill tell her you wont be there today" i try to convince him not to, but he insists on it. (pretty sure he hates me) now, my teacher is the kind of teacher who, if she finds out you're skipping class, she emails/calls your parents. this is the worst part of this fu, as **my dad is a teacher**. he takes this kind of thing *very* seriously. i dont see him for another few hours, and my plan is to, once i get home, get on his and my mom's computer, and delete the email. kinda doubt that i will be able to do it though. i would love comforting, because i am super worried/stressed right now. edit: class ends in 10 mins, so far no messages from parents edit2: think im in the clear, been home for a few hours and nothing wierd. still waiting for dad to get here though.... will do another edit end of day/tomorrow with final stuff. edit3: hopefully the last one, but my parents gota call saying i was absent block 3, and i told them it was because i fell asleep in class (totally plausible, it actually had happened in another class this morning) and they took it. *hopefully* in the clear

skipped class, guaranteed email home with excuse that wont stand up to parents; i am dead.

skipping calss

obligatory not today but i'll tell the story as if it were. today i was having an email conversation with the cto of a newly partnered company. i'm basically a level 2 tech, switches, access points maybe some minor routing. nothing major. anyway, i ask him about a new ip block we need to route and he responds with just the completely wrong answer. it's as if he had no idea what i had even asked. this guy is pretty smart though, a bit of an ass but then so am i. i ask him if he's drunk. in hindsight, maybe that wasn't a great idea. not 20 minutes later my managers boss asks me into his office. my boss is in there and so is the president of the company. they have a printout of my email and ask me what in the hell i was thinking. i ask them if they had read his response (another bad decision). they didn't care what his response was, they just wondered how i could be so dumb. on the phone was the boss of the other company. not sure his title but he's definitely the big boss. he wasn't pleased at all. long story short, i was given a written warning. explained to that if i were not so good at what i do i would have been fired on the spot. there was no one else who could have gotten away with that. (wo hoo)

asking a stupid question.

so... this just happened. i work from home and the only place i can smoke inside (its too cold out) is my private bathroom. i was finished smoking as well as using the can, so i leaned forward to drop the cig into the bowl behind me. my phone rang at the same time i was doing this so i leaned forward, pitched the smoke behind me under my ass, answered the phone and sat back down. well the butt didn't make it to the water and landed on the seat. i didn't realize this and leaned back to sit into "starting position". i burned my still dirty ass, screamed and fell off the can while answering the phone. my wife ran upstairs to find me on the floor, on the phone half naked with the smell of burnt flesh and poo hanging in the air. she didn't say a word, just laughed, shook her head and shut the door.

burned my ass on a cigarette.

smoking in the bathroom.

this really happened last night but i'm getting the side effects today. so last night i decided to relax, smoke a little and play video games after work. well, eventually the munchies kicked in and i decided to grab a snack. after looking for a while, i was only able to find fiber one bars. i've never had them before and was hesitant about eating them so i tried one and it was delicious. well, that one bar led to 4 more. felt nothing while playing games and all was good, i got tired and went to bed like normal. i wake up this morning to my girlfriend yelling at me about me constantly passing gas all night into the am. we went to go see a gynecologist as she's pregnant and we were getting an ultrasound done. i had to continuously excuse myself to go outside and pass gas, it was rough. now i'm at work and i'm dying in the bathroom writing this.

getting the munchies and eating 5 fiber one bars

just wasted 350 canadian dollars on impulse flight ticket purchase because i forgot that china needs a tourist visa. i just wanted to give my family a nice surprise trip to china.

my impulse buy + forgetting countries need tourism visa

this was yesterday. my birthday. got a cool new book from my friend, it is a book of photos from a bookseller who finds odd stuff that people left in old books. while reading this book on stuff left in books, i suddenly had a flashback to last year this time, my uncle gave me a graphic novel i never got around to, but also gave me a $100 bill in a card, which i sort of remembered sticking in the book when i unwrapped it. sweet! that $100 should still be right where i left it. so here's the fu - went to the living room book shelf, found the book, it's not in there. we stuff all kinds of things in books (i live with my gf, more on that in a moment) so i thought the card and money might have gotten passed around. i start rifling through all the books on the shelf. found old plane tickets, gum wrappers, coffee shop napkins, a little flash drive i had been looking for... but no card. i yell to the bedroom where my gf is watching tv. i ask her if she has come across a birthday card with $100 in it here on the bookcase. she says no. i briefly tell her the whole story, book about stuff left in books, uncle money bags and the graphic novel, young narrator in search of his $100 between the pages... and like a phantom she is suddenly right there at the door looking like [this.](http://i.imgur.com/7mhaio4.png). she blurts out that she'll look for me and that the tv isnt working and that i should have a look at it. oh no, i'm determined. gonna find that money. she does not appear happy with this plan at all. at this point, i have no idea what's going on. next book i pull off the shelf is a great big rand mcnally atlas. all seniors got a copy when they graduated from my high school. i always thought it was funny - hey kid, look at all the places you won't go because your guidance counselor here couldn't be bothered to show up to your college planning appointments and now you're stuck working retail until you can save up to go to state. go hornets! anyway, the atlas. i open her up, and there inside, right by the table of contents is a photograph. no ordinary photograph, mind you. an ultrasound image. patient name: my gf. date: 15 days ago. i tried to look up but it was like my head was made of concrete. my stomach was through the floor. overwhelming mix of dread, pride, horror and excitement. i finally look up, i figure i have to be strong here and show her i'm here for her, i'm ready to talk - and just to listen, if that's what she needs - and that i'm not going anywhere... all that stuff that gilmore girls taught me. but she can't look at me, she is silently crying, no breaths, just like a stream of tears down her face. gilmore girls or no, i have no idea what to do here. i reach out for her, she pulls away. i ask if she's ok, she just runs into our bedroom. i sat on the couch for an hour, she finally comes out and tells me i should go stay with a friend tonight, and she will talk to me in the morning. i ask if that's what she really wants, she says yes, i grab some clothes and my phone and leave. got a text at 4 am. she was pregnant, got an abortion. it wasn't mine. today i get to move all my stuff out and start over.

got a book about stuff in books, remembered i had $100 stashed in a book, found gfs ultrasound instead. it wasn't mine.

reading

so, last week my boss asks me if i can go with him to another city do a job for a company that has ties with one of our local clients. normally we work remotely in this situation, but this required a hands on visit that would couldn't farm out to another company. i check with the wife, and everything is fine with me going, so i think nothing of it. pack last night for a couple days and grab my laptop bag on the way out of the house, and get dropped off at the airport on the way to drive the kids to school. i go through security, and of course, in my early morning state, don't remember that my belt or ring are metal, so i have to go back and forth through the scanner a few times. then i get to the end and the guy is asking to open my bag, where he finds a multi-tool that has a small knife on it. i could go back through and check it, but it is a cheap thing that i don't think i have ever even used. no big deal, i think, and carry on to the departure gate where i chat with my boss for a while, and then they start calling people up to board. 'everyone, make sure you line up and have your photo id out and ready. ' photo id? of course photo id. this might be a problem. a couple days before my birthday, i got my license renewed. we have security features built into our licenses that require them to issue a temporary paper (and not photo) license and then they mail the real one in 2-3 weeks. i don't have any photo id on me. i go to the gate, and she confirms, no photo id, no boarding the plane. i arrange for my passport to be brought to the airport, so i can still make the next fight, and am sitting here waiting for it to arrive. on the plus side, the second multi-tool that i have in my bag that security somehow totally missed can be sent back with my wife, and i won't risk losing it on the flight back home.

forgot i didn't have photo id because my license had been renewed, and tried to get on a plane for a work trip anyway.

not remembering it was my birthday a little while ago.

so this actually happened today. so i'm in work and it hits lunch time. made a big pot of chilli last night, so brought in remainder of said chilli and some pitta breads for lunch today and left it in the car. i normally have lunch in work but had to make a few calls at lunch, so write down the numbers of the people i have to call and headed out to my car to have lunch. i get into the car, open my lunch and realise i've left the paper with the numbers i've to call at my desk. i put the chilli to one side, quickly go into the office, grab the paper and back outside to get lunch. the car is locked.... my car automatically locks when you exit, through the window i see my lunch, my car keys, and my house keys. fuck. i decide i'll make the calls i need to make and deal with this later. one of the calls i had to make was to my insurance to pay an outstanding insurance payment. where's my bank card? in the car. insurance company explain that it's a £50 fee for late payment if i can't pay today (that'll take it to more than i have left in the bank) and if it's not paid today i have 14days before they'll cancel (don't get paid again until end of feb). go back into work and my boss offers to pay for me to get a taxi home and pick up my spare key (pretty cool). by this point i realise my house keys are in the car but have no choice but to try and enter my house as my so is at work. taxi comes and it's about 20-25mins to arrive home, get to my house and proceed to kick one of the pvc panels through on my front door while the taxi waits for the return journey. grab my spare key, exit the burglar hole and fuck. the panel doesn't go back in from the outside, due to the seal and frame being on the outside. try for a good 15 mins and no joy. i live on a pretty busy road, so no way i could leave it like that and go back to work. had to send the taxi on his way. can't even go back to work today and have now skipped the whole afternoon. fuck mondays.

locked car keys, house keys, bank card and lunch in my car, probably going to default on my insurance and have it cancelled, missed an afternoon of work and broke my front door for no reason.

locking shit, breaking shit, skipping shit and defaulting shit.

tifu, i bought a pre hard boiled egg at au bon pain and i hate the taste of them cold so i thought i might spice things up a bit by microwaving the eggs. after nuking it for 30 seconds in my office pantry, i started walking back to my seat and took a bite out of the atomic egg, which promptly exploded with a puff of hot egg air and a loud pop noise directly into my face. my two coworkers in the pantry looked over at me to see egg in my hair, on my shirt and a egg splatter mark on the ground. i was wholly embarrassed. i quickly cleaned up the mess. i should also note that i had my first dental filling two days ago. yesterday i gave myself a nasty wound by trying to eat a bacon egg and cheese while i had novocaine in my face. i chewed up my lip and made a nasty little wound when the egg exploded this morning it bust open the wound and so i was dripping blood and egg from my mouth. the other atomic egg is still on my desk. i may offer it to this one guy i don't like in the office.

turning my breakfast into an explosive device

i was walking along listening to music on an old phone i use specifically for music. the headphone jack is a bit worn, so it gets staticky or only plays in one ear (not headphones fault, have tried multiple ones). in my frustration i threw it on the ground and watched in horror as it bounced off the path into the river. i tried to get it out with a stick but it snapped and made the water cloudy and muddy. the one saving grace is i backed up the music. lesson learned, do not throw phones even in anger. edit: i bought a cheap trowel to try and get it. i almost had it until it got lost in some reeds and rocks. then the trowel slipped out of my hands in to the river and i have dog poo on my jeans so i gave up and went home.

dropping my phone in the river.

here we go. the most embarrassing moment of my life. it was thirteen or so years ago, but someone from another thread said i should post it here after i posted it in an askreddit about noise disturbance police calls. not a cop, but a caller. a snitch. a dirty rat, or what have you. about thirteen years ago i was living in a college neighborhood in a little townhouse in a large open alley/tiny street. i worked a late second shift that balmy late spring night. the windows were open to let the breeze in. my wife and young baby were asleep upstairs. after checking on them and giving cheek kisses i went downstairs to unwind. at about one a.m. i was drifting off on the couch when i heard shouting coming from across the street. it's a noisy area, no biggie. then, pop pop! i leapt off the couch at the obvious sound of small arms fire. a small caliber pistol, by the pop. i looked out the window and across the alley from me the small house door was open and the guy that lived there was walking back and forth yelling to himself "you done fucked up! you . done. fucked. up." a quick aside. i was in the army only a couple of years prior to this. i fucking know the sound of gunshots. this was bad. i called 911 and tell them shots fired, screaming, etc. a...fucking...million cops showed up. a bullhorn. battering ram. a sniper crawling under my car! i'll make this quick. after an hour they got dude (the only brother on the block, btw, making this ten times more embarrassing) out. a cop came and knocked on my door and in front of fifty laughing or concerned neighbors says, "yeah, he had a fight with his girlfriend and she slammed the wooden screen door. it doesn't have springs and makes a loud noise." then, he turns around and walks away. the next day i came over with a twenty-four pack of the beer i always saw him drinking. his mother, who had come to visit (timing!), answered the door after i tentatively knocked and was taping a note to the beer. she. was. furious. "they took him to jail! my son never did anything wrong. he went to the army and now he's in college. and now he's in jail!." i apologized profusely and left. later that day he came over. he had been arrested. his brother was wanted, or something. i don't recall the details, but i know he was taken on mistaken identity. he himself was a really clean cut, good guy. i apologized and explained. he was cool about it and gave me a folder of burnt pirated pc games. for years after i'd see him out downtown and he had an uncomfortable joke and a laughing hug for me.

i was falling asleep. heard a door slam and thought it was a gunshot. called 911 and made a guy's already shitty night a whole lot worse. he went to jail for the night despite no wrongdoing on his part.

activating a swat team

check comments for a link to the cartoon i made about my store so i can destess myself.....60% finals architecture descriptive geometry. 9-11am. i spent the night studyig till 2am . put an alarm for 7 am and woke up to it. turned it off then slept back again. woke up to a wet dream. quickly checked my cell .its 9:30 fuck ! wore yesterdays clothes in the fastest 2 minutes . took a cab to college. got there at 10 am. i could still finish it in 1 hour cause i saw my friend done his exam and about to leave. bought some rulers there cause i missed mine at home. and last of all they didnt let me do take the test ! im a smart fella and all. i cried on the inside. next day. my friends told me another person also got late 1h with all his friends done the exam( so the questions are public ) and they still let him in.. i got so pissed off. (this happened thursday and friday. today monday , i still saw people late and theyre letting them in. i have to fuck the principal.

not waking up for finals

it actually happened a week ago. i live in france and i'd like to go abroad ( university of montreal ( the french one ) next year to study economics. at my university we had meetings with professionnals who told us what to do ( the paperwork, the requirements etc.. ) 2 months ago. they told those who want to go to canada ( including quebec, or so i thought ) and the us to register for the ielts, an international english exam, which costs 175€ at my university anyway the test at my university was planned for late-january ( the oral test on the 16th january, the writing test on the 28th.. or so i thought.. ), and we received a mail 1 week before the test, reminding us of the dates, i read it, prepared myself for the oral test on the 16th, attended it, nailed it, great start ! i was 100% sure that the writing part was on the 28th in the morning ( at 9am exactly ), so when my mom asked me to read the mail again to be absolutely sure that this part take place 2 weeks later, i told her that i was already certain of that, so i didn't re-read it. fast forward to the 21st january. i wake up at 9:06am, check my phone, see that i have 3 messages from a friend who had to pass the ielts too, saying ( " where are you ? " ; " where are you ??? " ; " are you at the uni ? " ), and a missed call of her. i begin to think " wait.. is it possible that i misread the mail ? ", i check my inbox, check the date.. and yep, i misread it, the test began 6 minutes before i woke up.. i begin to freak out, i get up, put on my clothes ( got in the car with only a shirt, it was -1°c out there.. ) ask my mom to drive me there as she can drive faster, i get there 30 minutes late, and after a quick talk with the supervisor of the test, i go back home, unable to attend the test.. that was the 1st fuck up. fast forward again to a week ago, i need that ielts to go to montreal ( or so i thought.. again ), so i had to ask my teacher if i could register for another session of the ielts, and if i would get the results in time for the investigation of my case. she asks me " wait, where do you want to go ? - montreal, qc - the french university or the english one ? - the french one - but you don't need the ielts to go there - really ? are you sure - yeah i'm pretty sure, you should ask the international relations service ( the group of people who deal with erasmus, bci, bilateral problems ) " so i go there, and they confirm that i did not need the ielts to go to montreal next year it is a french university. that was the 2nd fuckup in conclusion, i spent 175€ for a test that i missed, and that i didn't need.

chose to go to montreal, thought i needed the ielts, paid 175€ for it, forgot the date, didn't attend it, eventually learn that i didn't need to register for it

wasting 175€ twice

earlier today, mothers birthday was going on. as we're all sitting around (roughly 15 people) my mom starts telling a story about me and sibling when we were younger. as the stories go on, she gets to one of me as a baby; "he hated wear clothes, i couldn't ever get him to keep anything on" (etc) so, being the joker i am, i jump out of my chair, start to take my shirt off and run across the room, all while shouting, " still can't!" about halfway across the room, with my shirt half over my head, i trip blindly onto the staircase leading up, blacking out for a good 30 seconds, laying there with my shirt half off and in pain.   edit: oh hi front page (insert joke here), rip inbox. edit2: i'm 23, fire away edit3: head is fine, guess i can take a beating, prescribed some acetaminophen.

i made a joke about being naked as a baby, knocked myself out and had to lay in my shame.

making a joke

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common fuck-ups megathread - january 29, 2017

so for the last few days there has been a huge stream of ants that have crawled out from a hole in front of my brother's room, which is in front of my room. we managed to locate the source of where the ants were coming from and we plugged the hole up, but the damn ants still kept pouring in. i was about fed up having to sweep them up and dumping hundreds of them every couple of hours. so my brother and i, being the foolish teenagers we are, decided to have some fun with them. well, we grabbed a lighter and lysol spray and giggled at the thought of torching these ants to kingdom come. we started off in little spurts, and it was great watching them scramble for cover. as we were just about to stop, the smoke detectors went off, and my brother and i stared at each other in horror behind us; we totally forgot that the floor we stood on was wood, and it apparently had oil residue of some kind that burned like paper. now we were the ants, and we scrambled to put out the fire. thank god we put it out quickly, and that our parents weren't home.

tried to burn ants, almost burned the house down

playing with ants

so for some context i'm pretty lazy and hate shaving. i was growing a decent sized and at the time had no clippers or shaver, i decided it would be a good idea to use a lighter to light my pubs on fire. unfortunately i lost control of it and burned myself in several places.

setting my pubic hair on fire and burning myself

it's all about a car loan. so me and my crush were texting and i dared ask her about the loan she made for her huge purchase. as she explained the details i just said its a huge thing to have on her shoulders especially since she isnt really working enough hours, barely enough to pay the monthly payments. i said she wont have enough wiggle room for everyday needs. as we kept texting she told me the whole total and how much she got discounted and the addition stuff they threw in. well this is where it turned downhill real quick. she told me she makes enough which she does but it comes down to 2 dollars left over of her paycheck. then she said that the discount was really good and boom she told me i was really pissing her off cause she knows what she is doing. which i never actually said that she didn't know what she was doing. i literally was just asking and wanting to help her so that she wasnt being ripped off, which she was big time. i'm a car enthusiast so i know the value of cars, especially the one she got. it all ended with her saying she didnt want to talk to me. i apologized and told her i didnt mean any harm and that all i was trying to do is help her. literally they could of gave her double the discount she got and even then the car would still be a little bit over the car value. now i'm here thinking whether she will ever talk to me again :/ what do i do? p.s sorry if its confusing or very bad, my experience on posts is very minimum.

unintentionally tellin my crush she made a bad financial choice

so me, my granny and aunt were going to the mall. i took a nice cold shower before going. i always had problems picking up shampoo specifically and i always throw my shit up and down to play with it. so when we got to the health store i picked up shampoo, so my dumb ass thought it was a smart idea to throw my stuff up and play with it, i kept on playing with it but then my butterfingers slipped the catch and it dropped on the floor. the person was watching me and thought "damn that dumbass is stupid". shampoo everywhere, i asked my grandma for tissues to clean my hand, floor and bottle. they said i had to buy that broken bottle but typical chore me switched it and didn't have to pay for the broken one. there were tissues in the cart, some looked at me looking like i "did" it in the tissue.

i kept on throwing a bottle of shampoo in the air, dropped and broke it causing me to clean up the shampoo with tissues, bonus points someone thought i was a dumbass and people thought my tissues were something other than shampoo.

picking up shampoo.

today started off well. treated myself to a new pair of bluetooth earbuds with some leftover paycheck. naturally i ripped into them as soon as i got home. now i never use the differently sized earpieces that earbuds often come with, but seeing as these were nice and new i figured i'd try them out and see which fit the best. i eagerly took them out and- starting with the smallest- shoved it directly into my right ear to test for fit. well, the smallest size was too small. thus, with my application of excessive force i lodged it directly into my ear canal. my panicked attempts to retrieve it upon my realization of this only lodged it deeper inside. my brilliant brain them told me that the pair of needle nose pliers in my closet would be the perfect tool for the job. nope, you guessed it, jammed it further in. and cut me to boot. so i am currently sitting here writing this post with one bloodied and backed up ear on hold with my doctor's office.

lodging a rubber earpiece in my ear canal

first of all i’m not a native speaker so please excuse any mistakes i make. i live in germany and met my girlfriend at university, we were not long together (like 2 months) and our relationship went a little bit downhill but i really liked this girl and wanted to make up for some shit i’ve done. it was at the beginning of summer after all the exams where she wanted to go back to her hometown to work for a month there and make some money. i thought to myself that, being separated now wasn't good for our relationship, so i wanted to visit her as often i could. her hometown being one hour away from my town. as she was away i asked her if i could visit her but she refused. "not even in like a week ?" i asked but she insisted me not to come and we started arguing again. after a few days she texted me that we could meet thursday in strasbourg, the 23 of june i remember that date exactly. i think i should clarify that her home town was really near the borders of france and her mom works in strasbourg she also could speak the language fluently. strasbourg being two hour away from my hometown i thought to myself "why not". i could see her, she could give me a tour around strasbourg and we would have a nice time together. being a student and not having my own car i had to relie on public transportation. i checked up on train tickets...60euros one way. than i looked up if any buses went from my hometown to strasbourg and indeed there was and only 20euros round trip. bus it is then. i called my girlfriend and asked her for what time i should book the bus. she said that she only has time in the morning and had to leave 4 o'clock pm . at first it bothered me a little bit that she couldn't take more time for me, her boyfriend that she didn't see for some time. also the first bus that returns from strasbourg to my hometown was around 7 pm. but after some thinking i booked it because i really missed her and wanted to see her again. i could spent 3 hours alone in strasbourg no big deal. so the tickets. 7:40 am hometown ---> 9:30 am strasbourg 7:00 pm strasbourg ---> 9:00 pm hometown. we clarified that she has to come to the bus station to pick me up because i had no idea of strasbourg and to be honest i didn't pay any attention in my french classes in high school. first fuckup. i was ready, i packed my stuff, stood up early just before leaving for the bus station i’m checking one last time the ticket. and what i saw burned into my brain. i remember that exact moment i knew i fucked up. the ticket said “departure 7:20 am”. i could swear to god that the other days i looked at this goddamn ticket it said 7:40... this was the beginning. i missed my bus, i panicked. the first thing i did is to texted my girlfriend and apologizing, trying to explain that the ticked tricked me. but she should not worry i still would come with the next bus leaving at 9:20 this time for sure. i booked the ticket and waited for a response. it was early in the morning i thought to myself she could still be sleeping i'll wait a bit. after 1 hour of no response i called her. she picks up the phone and asked what happened. “i...ehh... didn't you get the message i sent to you ?” “no, i don’t have internet on my phone in a foreign country”. i explained to her what happened and that i booked a ticket for the next bus. she was outraged at this point because she was already on the train on the way to strasbourg to pick me up, shouting at me while i apologize like 1 million times. “fine i'll wait” and hangs up. at this point i feel really bad fucking this up. i go to the bus station waiting for the bus when i receive a sms from the bus-company telling me that the bus is running half an hour late. i had no money on my phone and her having no internet meant i couldn’t reach her to tell her that the bus was running late. things just went downhill. after the bus arrives i go up to the door show my ticket and the driver said to me with a dead look in his face “this ticket is for tomorrow 9:20, friday the 24 of june”. because i was in panick mode before, i mussed have booked for the wrong date, to be fair the layout of the webpage of the company is fucking awful. i panicked again. “look man i really need to get to strasbourg my girlfriend is waiting is there anything i can do ?” “you could by a ticket here in the bus”. he printed a new ticked for me and sold it for 30 euro. 30 fucking euro. i only had 40 on me but i thought to myself that once i’m there everything will be fine. i buy the ticket, take my seat and the bus begins its journey. i forgot to mention that at that time was the uefa european football championleague in france. so of course there was a lot of traffic delaying the bus more and more. after 12 o'clock i start getting smss from my girlfriend asking where i am. like i said i could not write her back. each 10 minutes i would get a new sms where she got more and more furious. there was some shit going down as we crossed the boarders that caused an even bigger delay (if requested i will tell you what happened but i don't want this to be to long). i arrived at 1 o'clock pm. i storm out of the bus to find my girlfriend but no sign... in the last sms she wrote that she would leave if she didn't get an answer now. i actually asked random people in the bus to borrow there cellphone so i could write one sms but they all refused to trust me. i didn't thought that she would really leave but yeah... she must have left 10 minutes before i arrived. at this point i start crying. i felt so helpless in the bus i couldn’t do anything but watch my girlfriend getting madder and madder at me. and now i’m here in strasbourg... alone... not knowing the language. i walked around trying to find a kiosk to buy a card for my cellphone but the women there didn't even know a single word in english. i pointed at my phone and said “money?” but she just gave me this look ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ . i walked out at start crying again. feeling like i never felt before helpless, alone.... i went back the the bus station and spotted two police officers i run at them as they where my parents. they even did understand a bit of german so i explained what happened and the police man offered me his cellphone to write my girlfriend a sms. waiting at the station my girlfriend arrives at 2 pm. we meet and she starts immediately to argue... that i should have called sooner so she could wait at home at not at this place and so on. at this point i'm crying again. now... i don’t know why i cried at this moment. maybe it was pitting myself because of all the shit i’ve gone through. maybe it was still the feeling of being so alone, i don't know. but my girlfriend didn’t like it at all. after i calmed down i explained to her what happened and what i've done to came to her. but she wasn't impressed. “you could have avoided all this trouble if you just could look right at your ticket and the time” she said. she left at 3 o'clock totally mad. i didn't even touch her once... all this trouble...not a single hug or touch. fuck it i just wanted this nightmare to be over to get home and sleep in my bed. i became hungry so i bought myself something to eat for 5 euros and waited at the bus station again. “this time i will check twice for the time on the ticket” i thought to myself pulling out my ticket and checking, “7 pm from strasbourg”, that’s right, “23 of ju......ly”. i shit you not i booked the returning ticket for 1 month later. i curl myself up on the bench in the fetus-position not caring anymore what other people might think of me and start crying out loud. i had the same feeling again being alone in a foreign country. only now i had no means to get back to germany. i had no money left, i had no internet, i had no ticket. i thought i have to live life on the streets of strasbourg for one month till my bus comes. after a while i get my shit together and start walking around to find help. i find a mall with a sign that said “free-wifi”. “bingo” i thought, i could get online and book another ticket for the right bus this time and pay with paypal. the thing is you can't pay with paypal over your phone, this i learned this day. but at least i had internet now, i contacted a friend of mine asking him to call me. i explained him everything and ask him please to buy a ticket for me, i will give him the money back. like a true friend he is he instead did come and pick me up personally with his car from strasbourg and drove me home. i never was more happy to get home. this was the worst day in my entire life. two day later my girlfriend calls me up and breaks up. not because of what happened in strasbourg but it wasn't working out in general like i mentioned at the beginning. at least she says so. edit: a lot of people seem to say that i dodge a bullet or that she was a bitch. i wrote this story not to get some pitty or to provote hate speech agaisnt my now ex-girlfriend but to entertain you and get it out of my chest and maybe think about me if you have a not so good day, "at least it wasn't as bad as his".

wanted to visit girlfriend in strasbourg, miss the first bus, book for the next bus, cant message my girlfriend to tell her about it, booked the for the wrong date. busdriver sells me ticket on the bus for the tripled price, i arrive late in strasbourg. she isn't there anymore, send her from a police officer an sms to come. she comes we argue she leaves. im alone in strasbourg. find out that my return ticket is also booked for the wrong date. have money. find a mall with internet friend picks me up.

wanting to visit my now ex-girlfriend in straßbourg